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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105, 
+August  5th 1893, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105,  August  5th 1893
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Francis  Burnand
+
+Release Date: May 19, 2011 [EBook #36139]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOLUME 105, August 5th 1893
+
+_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_
+
+
+
+
+THE DIRECTOR'S VADE MECUM.
+
+_Question._ What is your duty as a Director?
+
+_Answer._ To give my name to a prospectus.
+
+_Q._ Is there any necessary formality before making this donation?
+
+_A._ Yes; I am to accept a certain number of qualifying shares in the
+company obtaining the advantage of my directorial services.
+
+_Q._ Need you pay for these shares?
+
+_A._ With proper manipulation, certainly not.
+
+_Q._ What other advantages would you secure by becoming a Director?
+
+_A._ A guinea an attendance.
+
+_Q._ Anything else?
+
+_A._ A glass of sherry and a sandwich.
+
+_Q._ What are your duties at a Board Meeting?
+
+_A._ To shake hands with the Secretary, and to sign an attendance
+book.
+
+_Q._ What are your nominal duties?
+
+_A._ Have not the faintest idea.
+
+_Q._ Would it be right to include in your nominal duties the
+protection of the interests of the shareholders?
+
+_A._ As likely as not.
+
+_Q._ Would it be overstating the case to say that thousands and
+thousands of needy persons are absolutely ruined by the selfish
+inattention of a company's direction?
+
+_A._ Not at all--possibly understating it.
+
+_Q._ I suppose you never read a prospectus to which you put your name?
+
+_A._ Never.
+
+_Q._ Nor willingly wish to ruin any one?
+
+_A._ No; why should I?
+
+_Q._ You are guilty of gross ignorance and brutal indifference?
+
+_A._ Quite so.
+
+_Q._ And consequently know that, according to the view of the Judges,
+you are above the law?
+
+_A._ That is so.
+
+_Q._ And may therefore do what you like, without any danger to your
+own interests?
+
+_A._ To be sure.
+
+_Q._ And consequently will do what you best please, in spite of
+anything, and anybody?
+
+_A._ Why, certainly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DIFFERENCE OF OPINION.
+
+_Stern Parent._ "NO WONDER YOU LOOK SO SEEDY AND FIT FOR NOTHING. I
+HEAR YOU CAME HOME SO VERY LATE LAST NIGHT!"
+
+_Youth (who is having his fling)._ "BEG YOUR PARDON, DAD, I DID
+NOTHING OF THE SORT. I CAME HOME VERY EARLY!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At a meeting of the International Maritime Congress "M. GATTO read
+a paper on Harbour Lights." Does this mean that one of the Adelphoi
+GATTI read the paper (extract from the play, or perhaps a play-bill)
+on _Harbour Lights_, which was an Adelphi success? Of course one of
+"the GATTI'S" would be in the singular "M. GATTO." The paper was much
+applauded, and GATTO _prends le gâteau_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM SPIRIT LAND.--The Spirits or Spooks from the vasty deep that can
+be called and will come when Stead-ily and persistently summoned will
+not be the first to speak. The "Spooks" well-bred rule of politeness
+is, "Don't spook till you're spooken to." Also, "A good Spook must be
+seen and not heard."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUSIC FOR THE MULTITUDE;
+
+OR, BELMONT ON THE EMBANKMENT.
+
+_A Morality (adapted from the "Merchant of Venice") for Men in
+Municipal Authority._
+
+    ["The music on the Embankment during the pressman's
+    dinner-hour is a much more important matter than it seems to
+    be. It would be a most beneficial institution for all indoor
+    labourers; for it is not the long hours of labour--though
+    they are bad enough--so much as its monotony that makes it so
+    wearisome."--_Mr. James Payn in "Our Note Book."_]
+
+  _Lorenzo_  A Journeyman Printer.
+  _Jessica_  His "Young Woman."
+
+SCENE--_The Thames Embankment Garden._
+
+  _Lorenzo._ Sweetheart, let's in; they may expect our coming.
+  And yet no matter:--why should we go in?
+  The Toffs at last, have had compassion on us,
+  Within the house, or office, mewed too long,
+  And bring our music forth into the air.
+
+    [_They take a seat._
+
+  How bright the sunshine gleams on this Embankment!
+  Here will we sit, and let the sounds of music
+  Creep in our ears: soft green and Summer sunlight
+  Become the touches of sweet harmony.
+  Sit, JESSICA: look, how this green town-garden
+  Is thickly crowded with the young and old:
+  There's not the smallest child which thou behold'st
+  But by his movements shows his young heart sings,
+  As though poor kids were young eye'd cherubim:
+  Such love of music lives in simple souls;
+  But whilst grim pedants and fanatics sour
+  Have power to stop, they will not let us hear it!
+
+    [_Musicians tune up._
+
+  Hullo! The _Intermezzo_. Like a hymn
+  With sweeter touches charming to the ear,
+  The soul's drawn home by music.
+
+    [_Music._
+
+  _Jessica._ I'm always soothed like when I hear nice music.
+
+  _Lorenzo._ The reason is your spirits are responsive.
+  For do but note a wild and wanton mob
+  Of rough young rascals, like unbroken colts,
+  Fetching mad bounds, bellowing and blaring loud,
+  Which shows the hot condition of their blood;
+  If they, perchance, but hear a brass-band sound,
+  Or harp and fiddle duet touch their ears,
+  Or even _Punch's_ pan-pipe, or shrill "squeaker,"
+  You shall perceive them make a mutual stand,
+  Their wandering eyes turned to an earnest gaze,
+  By the sweet power of music: therefore poets
+  Tell us old Orpheus drew trees, stones, and floods,
+  Since naught so blockish, hard, insensible,
+  But music for the time doth change his nature.
+  The man who would keep music to himself,
+  Grudging the mob all concord of sweet sounds,
+  Is fit for Bedlam, not the County Council!
+  The motions of his spirit are dull as night,
+  And his affections cold as Arctic bergs.
+  Let no such man be trusted!--Mark the music!
+
+    (_Left marking it attentively._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Northern Light.
+
+(Dr. JOHN RAE, _the venerable and valiant Arctic Explorer, is dead_.)
+
+  The Arctic Circle and far Hudson's Bay
+  Bear witness to the glories of JOHN RAE.
+  The darkened world, with deep regret, will own
+  Another RAE of Light and Leading gone!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mrs. R. thinks she will not go abroad for a holiday tour. "You see, my
+dear," she says, "I don't mind owning that I am not well up in French
+and German, and I should not like to have always to be travelling
+about with an Interrupter."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE."
+
+DESIGN FOR A STAINED-GLASS WINDOW FOR WESTMINSTER, BY W. E. G.]
+
+    ["Would his right hon. friend excuse his suggesting an
+    analogy of the character which he bore with that which was
+    systematically assumed, he believed, under ancient rules, in
+    the Court of Rome ... when it was proposed, in consequence
+    of the peculiar excellence of some happy human being who
+    had departed this life, to raise him ... to the order of the
+    saints ... there was always brought into the Court a gentleman
+    who went ... under the name of devil's advocate. His peculiar
+    function was to go through the career of the proposed saint,
+    to seize upon and magnify every human failing or error, to
+    misconstrue everything that was capable of misconstruction....
+    That was the case of his right hon. friend."--_Mr. Gladstone
+    on Mr. Chamberlain._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A TRIAL OF FAITH.
+
+_Bertie (at intervals)._ "I USED TO----WHAT THE----DO A LOT
+OF----CONF----ROWING, ONE TIME!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE."
+
+_Old Parliamentary Pictor soliloquiseth_:--
+
+  "_As when a painter, poring on a face,
+  Divinely thro' all hindrance finds the man
+  Behind it, and so paints him that his face,
+  The shape and colour of a mind and life,
+  Lives for his children, ever at its best
+  And fullest._"
+
+              Aye, my ALFRED, there you hit
+  The portrait-painter's function to a hair;
+  And here I hit the essential inner JOE.
+  And so he'll live. But "ever at his best,
+  And fullest?" Humph! His Brummagem retinue
+  Will scarce acknowledge _that_. Some call him "JUDAS,"
+  But that is rude, and leads to shameful rows.
+  Chaff is one thing and insolence another;
+  E'en caricature may pass, so that its impulse
+  Be humorous not malevolent; but coarse spleen,
+  Taking crude shape in truthless graphic slander,
+  Is boyish work,--bad manners and bad art!
+  And so TAY PAY transgressed the bounds of taste,
+  And led to shameful shindy. HEROD? Humph!
+  _That_ flout "lacked finish," as great DIZZY said,
+  _He_ pricked, not stabbed, was fencer, not brute-bruiser,
+  But he of Brummagem hath much to learn
+  In gentlemanly sword-play.
+                  "Devil's Advocate!"
+  That hits him off, I think! _Not_ Devil,--no!
+  (Though angry blunderheads will twist it that way)
+  But ruthless slater of the pseudo-saint!
+  The pseudo-saint, I own, looks limp and floppy,
+  Half-fledged and awkward at the cherub _rôle_.
+  Poor saint! He's had much mauling, must have more,
+  Ere he assumes the nimbus, and I would
+  That he looked less lop-sided. Yes, my JOE!
+  You'll spot some "human failings" I've no doubt.
+  To exercise your "double million magnifyin'
+  Gas microscopes of hextra power" upon.
+  Your "wision" is not "limited" by "deal doors"
+  Or "flights o' stairs," or friends, or facts, or fairness,
+  You hardly need suggestions diabolic
+  From that hook-nosed attorney at your elbow
+  To urge you to the attack; erect, alert,
+  Orchid-adorned, and eye-glass-armed, you stand
+  The sharpest, shrewdest, most acidulous,
+  Dapper and dauntless "Devil's Advocate"
+  That ever blackened a poor "saint" all over
+  Othello-wise, or robbed a postulant
+  For canonisation of a hopeful chance
+  Of full apotheosis, and the right
+  Of putting on the nimbus.
+                    There, 'tis finished:
+  And--on the whole--'twere well I had not limned it!
+  'Twas tempting, yes, and pleasant in the painting,
+  But--well, I've paid for it, and much misdoubt
+  If it was worth the price. Followers applaud,
+  I--suffer. Oh, that mob of scuffling men,
+  Clawing and cursing, while the gallery hissed!
+  _Hissed_--not a pothouse outpour in full fight,
+  Not clamorous larrikins, or rowdy roughs
+  By prize-ring or on race-course fired with drink,
+  But England's Commons settling--with their fists
+  A Constitutional Contest! Shame, O shame!
+  And much I fear my Art must _somewhat_ share the blame!
+
+    [_Left lamenting._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.
+
+    "Mrs. Tanqueray has left town."
+
+  They talk of ALEXANDER
+    And Mrs. _Tanque-ray_,
+  Now who would raise my dander
+    Will just abuse that play.
+        For few there are
+        That can compare--
+  Well,--if so, give their names,--
+    With _Mrs. Tanque-ray_
+    Who has just gone away
+  From the Theatre of St. James.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mrs. R. says that of all SHAKSPEARE'S plays produced at the Lyceum,
+she liked _Henry the Eighth_ the best, because of the character of
+_Cardinal Bullseye_, which Mr. IRVING played so sweetly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STATUES OF THE TWO NEW PARLIAMENTARY GIANTS TO BE ERECTED AS GUARDING
+THE HOUSE OF COMMONS.--Gag and Maygag.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THEATRICAL PEDESTRIAN MATCH.--Match between two "Walking Gentlemen."
+Date not yet fixed. Stake-holder "Walker, London."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A VISIT TO BORDERLAND.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  I called on Mr. STEAD last week, at least I seemed to call,
+  For in this "visionary" world one can't be sure at all;
+  And when I reached the great man's house he shook me by the hand,
+  And talked, as only STEAD can talk, of Spooks and _Borderland_,
+  I own that I was tired of men who live upon the earth,
+  They hadn't recognised, I felt, my full and proper worth;
+  "They'll judge me much more fairly," I reflected, "when they're
+          dead,--
+  So I'll go and seek an interview with WILLIAM THOMAS STEAD."
+
+  The reason why I went to STEAD is this: the great and good
+  Has lately found that English ghosts are much misunderstood;
+  Substantial man may swagger free, but, spite of all his boasts,
+  STEAD holds there is a future, and a splendid one, for ghosts.
+  And so he has an office, a sort of ghostly COOK'S,
+  Where tours may be contracted for to Borderland and Spooks;
+  And those who yearn to mix with ghosts have only got to go
+  And talk, as I conversed, with STEAD for half an hour or so.
+
+  The ghosts have got a paper too, the _Borderland_ I spoke of,
+  Where raps and taps are registered that scoffers make a joke of:
+  A medium's magazine it is, a ghostly gazetteer
+  Produced by WILLIAM THOMAS STEAD, the Julianic seer.
+  And everything that dead men do to help the men who live,
+  The chains they clank, the sighs they heave, the warnings that
+          they give,
+  The coffin-lids they lift at night when folk are tucked in bed,
+  Are all set down in black and white by WILLIAM THOMAS STEAD.
+
+  While wide-awake he sees such shapes as others merely dream on;
+  For instance there is JULIA, a sort of female dæmon;
+  Like some tame hawk she stoops to him, she perches on his wrist--
+  In life she was a promising, a lady journalist;
+  And now that death has cut her off she leaves the ghostly strand
+  And turns her weekly copy out by guiding WILLIAM'S hand.
+  Yet, oh, it makes me writhe like one who sits him down on tin tacks
+  To note that happy ghost's contempt for grammar and for syntax.
+
+  Well, well, I called on STEAD, you know; a doctor's talk of diet is,
+  And STEAD'S was of his psychic food as cure for my anxieties.
+  I thought I'd take a chair to sit (it looked to me quite common) on,
+  "You can't sit there," observed the Sage; "that's merely a
+          phenomenon."
+  Two ladies, as I entered, seemed expressing of their gratitudes
+  For help received to Mr. STEAD in sentimental attitudes;
+  They saw me, pirouetted twice, then vanished with a high kick.
+  "It's nothing," said the Editor; "they are not real, but psychic."
+
+  These things, I own, surprised me much; I fidgetted uneasily;
+  "Why, bless the man, he's had a shock!" said Mr. STEAD, quite
+          breezily.
+  "_We_ do these things the whole year round, it's merely knack to
+          do them;
+  A man who does them every day gets quite accustomed to them.
+  This room of mine is full of ghosts,"--it sounded most funereal--
+  "I've only got to say the word to make them all material.
+  I'll say it promptly, if you wish; they cannot well refuse me."
+  But my eagerness had vanished, and I begged him to excuse me.
+
+  "Now JULIA," he continued, "is in many ways a rum one,
+  But, whatever else they say of her, they can't say she's a dumb one.
+  She speaks--she's speaking now," he said. "I wonder what she'll
+          tell us.
+  What's that? She says she likes your looks; she wants to make me
+          jealous."
+  That gave me pause, and made me think 'twas fully time I went; it is
+  A fearful thing to fascinate these bodiless non-entities.
+  Of course when people go to Rome they act like folk at Rome, you
+          know,
+  But flirting didn't suit my book--I've got a wife at home, you know.
+
+  Well, next I felt a gust of wind, "That's Colonel BONES," my host
+          said;
+  "He's dropped his helmet" (think of that, a helmet on a ghost's
+          head).
+  "I don't much care," he whispered this, "in fact, I can't endure
+          him;
+  Dragoons do use such awful words; I've tried in vain to cure him."
+  I ventured to suggest to STEAD that rather than be bluffed I
+  Would make this cursing soldier-ghost turn out in psychic mufti;
+  He couldn't drop his helmet then, nor threaten with his sabre.
+  "I've tried to," said the Editor, "it's only wasted labour.
+
+  "I've sought advice," continued STEAD, "from CANTUAR and EBOR,
+  They hinted that they couldn't stand a she-ghost and a he-bore.
+  I tried to get a word or two from men of arts and letters,
+  They said they drew the line at Spooks who made a noise with
+          fetters.
+  And when I talked of bringing men and ghostly shapes together
+  The Bishops tapped their foreheads and conversed about the weather.
+  In fact"--he grew quite petulant--"in all this world's immensity
+  I'd back the Bench of Bishops to beat the rest in density."
+
+  And so he talked, till suddenly--(perhaps he's talking still;
+  In talking of his own affairs, he has a wondrous skill)--
+  There came a noise, as if Old BONES had let off all his blanks at
+          once,
+  As if a thousand theorists were turning all their cranks at once;
+  It seemed to lift me off my legs, and seize me by the hair,
+  And sweep me mute but terrified through all the spook-filled air.
+  And, when I got my senses back, I vowed no more to tread
+  The paths that lead to Borderland, nor ask advice of STEAD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+_Pietro Ghisleri_ is another success for that charming writer MARION
+CRAWFORD. The style is everything. The story is not of so thrilling a
+nature as to be absorbing, but it is sufficiently interesting--for the
+Baron, at least, with whom M.C.--"Master of his Craft"--is a great
+favourite. "Odd, though," murmurs the Baron to himself, and he seldom
+murmurs about anything; "odd that a writer like our MARION should,
+in Vol. II., p. 35, pen such a sentence as this: "There are plenty
+of others whom you may care for more than I." Of course the author
+intends _Maddalena del' Armi_, who utters these words, to convey to
+her listener and to the reader that "There are plenty of others for
+whom you may care more than (you care) for me." How does "than I" get
+into this sentence, unless it is to mean "There are plenty of others
+for whom you may care more than I care for them"--_quod est absurdum_."
+It is unfortunate that the pivot on which the plot turns is so highly
+improbable as to be almost impossible, for is it not most unlikely
+that any Catholic, educated or uneducated, should ever _write_ her
+confession to her confessor, and send it by post, instead of going to
+him, and making it by word of mouth? She must have known that, in
+so doing, she was making no confession at all, _i.e._, in the
+restrictedly religious sense of the word. While she was about it, she
+might as well have inclosed a stamped and addressed envelope for the
+absolution to be sent by return. This is the hinge of the story; and
+it is a very weak one. Mr. CRAWFORD recognises this when his
+other characters casually discuss the probability of _Adèle's_
+having done such a thing. However, grant this, which is almost as
+easily done as granting superhuman strength to a Ouidaesque hero,
+and the book--in three of MACMILLAN'S blue volumes--is fascinating.
+Such is the candid opinion of THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE SPIRIT LEVEL.
+
+_Relentless Youth._ "'ULLO 'ERE, GUV'NOR, WHAT 'YER UP TO NAOW? TYKIN'
+A HORDNANCE SURWEY O' THE DISTRICT, I SUPPOSE!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO A PARISIENNE.
+
+  ["Paris est le centre du bon goût."--_Les Précieuses Ridiculis,
+          Scène X._]
+
+  By Jove, what festive tints you wear, _chère_ Madame!
+  These _fin-de-siècle_ furbelows of la dame
+  Would scare the very simply dressed _Père_ ADAM.
+                  On you they're charming;
+  But when the fashion spreads to distant quarters,
+  And far across the Channel's choppy waters
+  They glow on England's humble, tasteless daughters,
+                  They'll be alarming.
+  Bright blue, gay green, loud lilac, yelling yellow--
+  Yelling for _criard_, pray forgive a fellow
+  For using words that time has not turned mellow--
+                  Must not be worse made
+  Than in your costumes, gracefully assorted.
+  Think what these tints will be, transposed, distorted,
+  By English laundress, flower-girl, and sported
+                  By cook or nursemaid!
+  Our eyes! Oh, save them then with shades or goggles!
+  For reason totters on its throne, which joggles.
+  In choosing tints the Englishwoman boggles;
+                 "_Chacun à son goût._"
+  You're always _comme il faut_ from boots to bonnet.
+  For Paris, praised in song, and ode, and sonnet,
+  Is still, as when _les Précieuses_ doated on it,
+                 "_Le centre du bon goût._"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"MERRY MARGIT!"--"I was at Margate last July," sang THOMAS BARHAM,
+when telling of the _Little Vulgar Boy_, and so were we, this
+July, for the purpose of passing a few happy hours at the renovated
+Cliftonville Hotel under the government of Mr. HOLLAND, vice-regent
+for Messrs. GORDON & CO. No need now to quit the shores of England
+for Antwerp, Rotterdam, or any other of the Rotterdamerung Cycle, as
+visitors to Margate will, on our own shore, find HOLLAND. In the
+menu Sauce Hollandaise is avoided, and Politesse Hollandaise is
+substituted, to the satisfaction of everybody.
+
+  "Voilà ce que l'on dit de moi
+  Dans la Gazette de Hollande!"
+
+Which couplet the Manageress might sing, as they are words from _The
+Grand Dutchess_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MAN MAKES THE TAILOR.
+
+(_Fragment from a Seasonable Romance._)
+
+It was towards the close of the London season of 1893 that a man in a
+strange garb was seen at an early hour in the East End of London. He
+attracted considerable attention. It was a rough part of the City,
+still, those who lived there were conventional in their costume. They
+wore black coats, and there was a certain respectability about their
+hats. But the man to whom we refer was eccentric in the extreme. His
+straw hat was worn at the back of his head, his cut-away coat was
+thrown open, showing a huge, collarless coloured cotton shirt. He had
+flannel trousers tucked into digger's boots. No one knew whence he
+came, whither he was going.
+
+"Have you noticed him?" asked the Inspector.
+
+"Yes, Sir," replied the Police Constable, "he's got white hands, so if
+he belongs to the dangerous classes, he is a smasher, or a forger, or
+something genteel in that line."
+
+"Well, keep your eye upon him."
+
+"I will, Sir."
+
+And the strange-looking person continued his way. As he walked through
+the City, the merchants regarded him with surprise, but there
+were those amongst the stockbrokers who seemed to receive him with
+recognition.
+
+"I fancy I have seen the Johnnie somewhere before," observed one
+Member of the House to another. "I am almost sure I know the cut of
+his suit."
+
+And the man walked on until he reached Knightsbridge. There he was
+stopped by an elderly, well-dressed, well-to-do individual, who had
+evidently just come up from the country. The two pedestrians started
+back when they met face to face.
+
+"What are you doing in that hideous disguise?" asked the senior of the
+junior.
+
+"It is no disguise, father," was the reply; "it is only the customary
+get up of a young man of fashion between the hours of nine and eleven
+when he proposes to walk in the park."
+
+And, with these words, the strange apparition crossed over the road,
+and entered Rotten Row. And here he was soon lost in a crowd quite as
+eccentrically garbed as himself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WAY THEY HAVE IN THE CITY.
+
+SCENE--_Board-room of a Public Company._ TIME--_A few minutes after
+the close of a General Meeting._ PRESENT--_Chairman of Directors and
+Secretary._
+
+_Chairman._ Well, I think I got in all that was wanted?
+
+_Secretary._ Could not have been better, Sir. You had the figures at
+your fingers' ends.
+
+_Chair. (laughing)._ You mean on a sheet of paper in front of me.
+
+_Sec._ And everyone was satisfied, Sir.
+
+_Chair._ As they should have been, considering my flaming account of
+the prosperity of the undertaking. By the way, _is_ it flourishing?
+
+_Sec._ Well, Sir, that is scarcely in my department. You must ask the
+auditors.
+
+_Chair._ Oh, never mind; it is a matter of no importance.
+
+_Sec._ I daresay if you wanted any information, Sir, I could get it
+for you.
+
+_Chair._ No, thanks, I don't want to increase my work. I am sure I do
+quite enough for my wretched two or three hundred a year--don't you
+think so?
+
+_Sec._ Certainly, Sir. You do a great deal more than some Chairmen.
+
+_Chair._ Yes, I suppose I do. Come here once a year, and preside over
+an Annual Meeting, and draw my fees. What more _can_ I do?
+
+_Sec._ I'm sure I don't know, Sir. A knowledge of the duties of a
+Chairman of Directors comes scarcely within the scope of my required
+services.
+
+_Chair._ Quite so; and now I will say Good-bye!
+
+_Sec._ See you again next year, Sir?
+
+_Chair._ Certainly. If I don't sell out in the meantime. And now
+I must be off. I am due at another meeting, and have to get up the
+necessary figures in five minutes. Do you think I shall do it in the
+time?
+
+_Sec._ Certainly, Sir. You managed the task in less here.
+
+[_Scene closes in upon the valuable pair--and the security of the
+Public._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"FRIENDLY RIFLERY."--"MELLISH has followed his miss with an inner and
+two bullseyes." Very kind of MELLISH. We hope "his Miss" accepted the
+two bullseyes. "BOYD and GIBBS got magpies." Whatever sort of pies
+these may be, it is evident that, with "pies" and "bullseyes," our
+riflemen are fond of sweets.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MAGNA EST VERITAS.
+
+"MY DAUGHTER WILL NEVER GET ANOTHER PLACE WITH THE CHARACTER YOU'VE
+BEEN GIVING HER, MY LADY!"
+
+"I'VE ONLY TOLD THE _TRUTH_ ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER, AND NOTHING _BUT_ THE
+TRUTH!"
+
+"HOW WOULD YOU LIKE THE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH, TOLD ABOUT
+_YOU_, MY LADY?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FRENCH WOLF AND THE SIAMESE LAMB.
+
+_An Old Fable with a New Setting._
+
+  A little lamb lived by a flowing stream.
+    A great temptation, when the heat was torrid,
+  To thirsty souls that water's limpid gleam.
+    At least so thought a Wolf, of aspect horrid,
+  Who, having for some time abstained and fasted,
+  Desired to learn how lamb--and water--tasted.
+  He felt with pinching want his paunch was pining,
+  Early he'd lunched, so longed the more for dining.
+    A Cochin China rooster, lank and thin,
+    Or something indigestible from Tonquin,
+  For a big, sharp-set Wolf, are snacks, not meals;
+  So down the sparkling river Lupus steals,
+    Quite uninvited, but intent on forage,
+    Fronting the fleecy flocks with wondrous courage;
+  For whether in the Southdowns, or Siam,
+  By the near Medway, or the far Menam,
+  Your Wolf is most courageous--with your Lamb!
+  With joy the Lamb he spied, then, growling, said,
+    "Sirrah! how dare you thus disturb my drink?"
+  The Lamb, in answer, meekly bowed its head--
+    "_I_ trouble not the water, Sir, I think,
+  Particularly as I'm sure you'll see
+  It flows--observe the drift--from you to me!
+  You're welcome in the stream to slake your thirst,
+  But, may I just observe, _I was here first!_"
+  "Oh! you chop logic!" cried the angry brute.
+    "I can chop, too:--you've done me other wrong.
+  Young Mutton, best with _me_ not to dispute!
+    You've given me already too much tongue.
+  Are _you_ the home-born boss of all Siam,
+  Of fleet Mekong, and many-creek'd Menam?"
+  Mildly young woolly-face replied, "I _am_!"
+    His optics orientally oblique,
+    Rolling in manner sheepish, soft, and meek.
+  "Oh, _are_ you?" snarled the Wolf. "_We_'ll see about it!
+    'Twixt Western Wolf and Oriental Lamb
+    Equality is a preposterous flam:
+  Do you--as Tonquin did--presume to doubt it?
+    Fraternity? Well, I'm your elder brother;
+    And Liberty--to you--means nought but bother.
+  See, silly-face?" "Well, no," the Lamb replied,
+  "Such reciprocity seems all one side.
+  Not six o' one and half a dozen o' 'tother!"
+  "Pooh!" snapped the Wolf.  "Logic's clear _terra firma_
+    Is not for Lambkin, but for Wolf or Lion.
+    If you such little games with me should try on,
+  I'd treat you--well, as Bull did little Burmah.
+  I have imperative claims; I'm going to state 'em
+  With lupine brevity in an ultimatum.
+    That--after some two days--must stand as Law;
+    If after that you give me any jaw,
+    My little Mutton--well, beware my maw!"
+
+        MORAL.
+
+  This truth my simple Fable doth attest,
+  He who has strongest jaw argues the best!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT DALY'S.--The Comedy _Love in Tandem_ ought to have been in three
+shorter Acts. Mr. LEWIS excellent, so is Mrs. GILBERT, who has not
+more than ten words to say, but a lot to act. Spanish widow also good.
+Mr. BOURCHIER is a marvellous example of the "Walking Gentleman,"
+being perpetually on the move. It is gratifying to see him sit down
+for even a few seconds. Like the engineer of the penny steamboat in
+the burlesque of _Kenilworth_, he "has very much to larn"; but this
+fact need not discourage him, any more than it did Mr. HENRY IRVING,
+according to Mr. PERCY FITZGERALD'S recently published book of
+Irvingite Recollections, at the commencement of his career. Miss REHAN
+is, _par excellence_, the life and soul of the piece; and when there
+has been, in her absence, a dull moment or two, she re-enters and
+Rehanimates the whole.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Swimming has been much neglected in the British Navy," observed Mr.
+PHILOOLY. "When there's a Parliament in Dublin we'll pass a law that
+not a sailor shall leave _terra firma_ till he can swim."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FRENCH WOLF AND THE SIAMESE LAMB.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SCHOPENHAUER BALLADS.
+
+No. I.-THE AQUARIUM OCTOPUS.
+
+  The world is full of pretty things
+    That everyone admires,
+  And beauty, even though skin-deep,
+    Is what the world desires.
+  I'm handicapped I feel in life,
+    For very obvious reasons,
+  And yet my family always think
+    I'm lovely in all seasons!
+
+  My time is principally passed
+    In caverns under water,
+  My family are mostly sharks,
+    Except a mermaid daughter;
+  She sings her songs and combs her hair
+    To tempt unwary whalers,
+  And when we lure them down below
+    It's bad for those poor sailors.
+
+  I cannot say I like the sea,
+    The bottom, top, or middle.
+  It's always asking, night and day,
+    The same confounded riddle:
+  "Why was I made, except to drown
+    The surplus population?"
+  This is the sad sea wave's remark
+    At every sea-side station.
+
+  It makes me think about myself--
+    Octopus too unsightly--
+  Which are my arms and which my legs
+    I never can tell rightly;
+  I frighten children--old and young--
+    Without the least intention,
+  I saved a school from drowning once,
+    But that I mustn't mention!
+
+  I'm now at the Aquarium,
+    A "side-show" much belauded,
+  My antics, shown three times a day,
+    Are very much applauded;
+  The pay is not extremely large--
+    A weekly bare subsistence;
+  I take it meekly, for it breaks
+    The boredom of existence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BALLADE OF EARLSCOURT.
+
+  I've really been extremely gay--
+    I've done most things (I mean, in reason)--
+  And, though "it is not always _May_,"
+    It has been, during my first season.
+  At balls and parties I've had fun;
+    I've listened to Home-Rule disputes;
+  There's only one thing I've not done--
+    Alas! I've not been down "the Chutes"!
+
+  With screams and laughter from the height
+    I saw men splash their nice new suits;
+  It seemed to cause them great delight;
+    But still--I have not shot the Chutes.
+
+  I've been to all the good first nights,
+    I've cried at DUSÉ, laughed at PENLEY,
+  I have seen all the London sights,
+    I've been to Sandown, Lord's, and Henley.
+  At IBSEN I've serenely smiled,
+    While suff'ring torture from new boots;
+  GLADSTONE I've met, and OSCAR WILDE--
+    But ah! I've not been down the Chutes!
+
+        _Envoi._
+
+  Prince, one regret I feel on leaving
+    For country air, and flowers, and fruits--
+  I quit gay London only grieving
+    To think I have not shot the Chutes!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A deuce of a mess between France and Siam," observed a Bow-window
+Politician of Clubland. "A deuce of a mess?" repeated the other
+Bow-window man. "You mean, as far as France is concerned, it's the
+very DEVELLE!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHY ELINOR IS EVER YOUNG.
+
+(_By a Fiancé à la Mode._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+    ["... The women they might have married--the girls whom they
+    danced with when they were youths--have grown too old for our
+    middle-aged suitors."--_Standard._]
+
+  I'm just engaged: I'm forty-five--
+    Our modern prime for wedded blisses.
+  The age _par excellence_ to wive
+    With blooming _fin-de-siècle_ Misses;
+  I'm very happy; so's my Love;
+    I don't regret that long I've tarried;--
+  And yet I can't help thinking of
+    The damozels I might have married.
+
+  Yes; there was JANET, slim and pert;
+    I took her in last night to dinner,
+  And cannot honestly assert
+    That years conspire to make her thinner;
+  Yet once we cooed o'er tea and buns;
+    She quite forgets how on we carried,
+  Nor owns, with undergraduate sons,
+    That _she_ was one I might have married.
+
+  And LILIAN, emanation soft,
+    Fair widow of the latter Sixties,
+  Ideal of the faith that oft
+    With earliest homage intermixt is;
+  I used to dream her, oh! so young;
+    She's wrinkled now and bent and arid;
+  It almost desecrates my tongue,
+    But _she_ was one I might have married.
+
+  A truce to recollection sore;
+    I'm still considered smart and youthful;
+  And trusting, darling ELINOR
+    Assures me so with passion truthful;
+  In my fond eyes she'll wither ne'er,
+    Because--the fact can scarce be parried--
+  I shan't survive to see her share
+    The fate of those I might have married!
+
+        Mixed.
+
+  I'm Chargé d'Affaires--"Siam?" _Oui._
+  Pour England je don't care one "d."
+        Je prig le Mekong,
+        Si je keep it not long--
+  They call me "Brigand!"--_Je le suis._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MIND YOUR PEASE AND Q.'S.--_Q._ "Why did Sir DONALD CURRIE pair with
+Sir JOSEPH PEASE?"--No; we are not going to say anything about "PEASE
+and CURRIE" going together--we scorn getting a rice out of you that
+way--besides, this dish has been overdone. But the simple answer is,
+that as Sir DONALD couldn't get any other pair this one was a "_Pease
+aller_." [We're better now. "Pax!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RULE OF THE SEA.
+
+(_For the Use of Admirers of the Admiralty._)
+
+_Question._ What is your duty as a sailor in Her Majesty's Fleet?
+
+_Answer._ To carry out the orders of my superiors.
+
+_Q._ If you were told that black was white what would you say?
+
+_A._ That white was black.
+
+_Q._ If you were informed that two and two made five would you believe
+it?
+
+_A._ Certainly, and insist that those who thought four was the proper
+answer had been gravely misinformed.
+
+_Q._ Would you believe a captain to be always in the right?
+
+_A._ Yes, from a lieutenant's point of view. Although, of course, I
+should consider him the weakest of authorities in the presence of an
+admiral.
+
+_Q._ Would you ever act upon your own responsibility?
+
+_A._ Never; as such a course would be destructive to good discipline.
+
+_Q._ Then, if you were told to perform an impossible man[oe]uvre you
+would attempt to do it?
+
+_A._ Certainly.
+
+_Q._ Even if you saw that the result must be disaster?
+
+_A._ Yes. I should choose the lesser of two evils.
+
+_Q._ To what two evils do you refer?
+
+_A._ Loss of life by my obedience, and loss of discipline by my
+disobedience.
+
+_Q._ Which would be the smaller of the two disasters?
+
+_A._ The loss of life.
+
+_Q._ But did not NELSON solve a problem of a somewhat similar
+character by using his blind eye?
+
+_A._ Yes; but then NELSON was unique.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN AUSTRALIAN A B C.
+
+  A is Australia, the land of their birth.
+  B for BRUCE, BANNERMAN, batsmen of worth.
+  C is young CONINGHAM, more than a learner.
+  D is the Demon, once SPOFFORTH, now TURNER.
+  E the Excitement to see them all play,
+  F is the Four on the ground all the way.
+  G is for GRAHAM, the GIFFENS, and GREGORY,
+  H is a Hit that's maybe in the leg or eye.
+  I is the Interest that's caused in the cricket,
+  J is for JARVIS, who sometimes keeps wicket.
+  K is the Kangaroo, bold and defiant,
+  L is JACK LYONS, who hits like a giant.
+  M is MCLEOD, and was MURDOCH of yore,
+  N are the Nets, where they practice before.
+  O their Opponents, delighted to meet them,
+  P for the People, so ready to greet them.
+  Q is the Question, "How's that"--Out or Not?
+  R is that terror of batsmen--a Rot.
+  S their success, making Englishmen humble,
+  T is for TROTT, and stands also for TRUMBLE.
+  U is the Umpire, to whom they all shout,
+  V is the Voice, in which he cries "Out!"
+  W the Wickets, our land does not lack 'em,
+  X is their Xcellent keeper--friend BLACKHAM.
+  Y is the Yorker, that's fatal to some,
+  And Z shows the ending has really come.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Great Ferris Wheel at Chicago Exhibition can "complete a
+revolution in seven minutes." Valuable this in Paris. No military
+required.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration
+
+FRIENDS IN COUNCIL.
+
+SCENE--_Editor's Sanctum, "The Halfpenny Slater."_
+
+_Critic._ "WHAT A PITY SHAKSPEARE'S DEAD! IT WOULD BE SUCH A SCORE TO
+PITCH INTO HIM AS AN OVER-RATED OLD IDIOT! IT'S NEVER BEEN DONE YET
+THAT I KNOW OF!"
+
+_Editor._ "AH! CAPITAL IDEA! I DON'T SEE THAT HIS BEING DEAD MAKES ANY
+ODDS!"
+
+_Critic._ "OH YES--FOR THE READER! DEAD 'UNS DON'T FEEL, YOU KNOW,
+AND THERE'S NOBODY BIG ENOUGH LIVING NOW TO BE WORTH POWDER AND SHOT,
+CONFOUND IT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM OUR ISLAND SPECIAL.
+
+"I come to Cowes," quoth the German Emperor right merrily, "as the
+greatest compliment I can pay to JOHN BULL. But where are the Royal
+carriages and Royal personages to receive me?" Admiral COMMERELL
+steered himself along the main roads, and played the part of the
+look-out man to perfection. "Nothing in the offing," he reported to
+the Emperor. "I hope," returned His Imperial Majesty, with a smile,
+"that this sort of thing doesn't offing happen." Everybody in
+convulsions of laughter, which just filled up the time till the
+appearance on the scene of the Duke of CONNAUGHT on the top of the
+cabin, in the full uniform of a General of the Horse Marines. "You're
+too punctual by half a minute," called out the Duke to the Admiral.
+Then the Admiral piped his eye, and the Royalties lighted cigarettes.
+"Here are the carriages! step in!" quoth the Duke. "Aha!" cried the
+Emperor gaily, in his perfect English. "Here is the carriage and the
+'oss, so now we shall be borne by the 'oss to _Os-borne_!" Every one
+in convulsions, and amid roars of laughter the Duke and the Emperor
+drove off.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CURIOUS CRICKET ANOMALY.
+
+  When a batsman has piled up a hundred, or more,
+  Though five twenties he's hit, he has made but "a score."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JUST SUE!
+
+  When a smart cove "sues" a sweet girl, for her hand,
+    Then sueing is soft and as sweet as a peach.
+  But e'en sueing comes bitter, you'll all understand,
+    When he bolts, and _she_ sues _him_--"for Breach!"
+  A true suitor may suit her, but, faithless, the brute
+  Deserves what he'll get, a complete change of suit!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Lords, Monday, July 24._--Haven't heard much of House of
+Lords this Session. Will take the floor presently, and show Commons
+how Legislation should be conducted. For weeks and months they've been
+slaving round Home-Rule Bill. Noble Lords, with fuller experience, and
+heaven-born aptitude, undertake to polish it off in a week. Meanwhile
+have had less work than usual to do. Might even have made long Summer
+holiday. Patriotically insisted upon meeting four times a week, to
+show, to whom it may concern, that at least they are ready for work.
+
+To-night suddenly blazed forth with amazing vigour. Old friend EVELYN
+BARING, taking his seat under new style, Lord CROMER, agreeably
+surprised; House almost full; Opposition in high feather; cheered
+CADOGAN and the MARKISS with rare enthusiasm.
+
+"I suppose the question is either the Church or the Land?" said
+CROMER, looking up his Orders of the Day. "Heard in Egypt those were
+only subjects that made you sit up."
+
+"There's one other," said CARRINGTON, to whom remark was addressed;
+"though you will say it practically comes to the same thing. It's Mr.
+G. Anything connected with him ruffles House with sudden storm. Mr. G.
+made HOUGHTON Lord Lieutenant of Ireland. HOUGHTON a charming
+fellow; popular in both camps; but being Mr. G.'s selection for the
+Viceroyalty, we--I mean they--are bound to go for him."
+
+Went for him to-night hammer and tongues. CADOGAN, not usually a peer
+of bloodthirsty aspect, clenched his teeth with ominous vigour when he
+discovered HOUGHTON was not present. Had sent him special invitation,
+he explained. Had even gone so far as to leave to him choice of
+date for his execution. "And now," cried CADOGAN, glaring round the
+appalled House, "his Excellency is not here!"
+
+His absence commented on with towering vigour. Lord Lieutenant's
+procedure, in his dealing with addresses, "dishonest, dishonourable,
+discreditable to all concerned," said CADOGAN, by way of final shot,
+intended to sink whole Ministerial Bench.
+
+MARKISS, not to be outdone, denounced Mr. G. as "a despot," and his
+colleagues in the Government "a well-trained company of mutes." As
+for something Lord SPENCER had said, MARKISS described it as "a
+pure invention," which is much politer than Mr. MANTALINI'S way of
+referring to similar lapse as "a demnition lie." House sat as late as
+half-past six, and went off home in high good humour. "Quite a
+long time since we wet our spears," said the MARKISS. "Just as well
+sometime, dear TOBY, to show you fellows in the Commons what we can
+do."
+
+_Business done._--In Commons Financial Clause to Home-Rule Bill passed
+Second Reading.
+
+_House of Commons, Tuesday._--DON'T KEIR HARDIE on again with fresh
+inquiry as to misadventure to one ARTHUR WALKER on day of Royal
+Wedding. Mr. WALKER (of London) it appears had difficulty with mounted
+officer in command of company of troops. Officer says that when
+ordered to fall back WALKER seized his horse's rein. ARTHUR says
+"Walker!"; didn't do anything of the sort. That remains in dispute.
+What is clear is that WALKER got slight scalp wound, inflicted by
+the warrior's sword. DON'T KEIR HARDIE wants sworn inquiry into case.
+CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN puts whole case in nutshell. "An accident," he
+says, "a regrettable accident; entirely owing to fact of the sharp
+edge of the sword meeting the man's head, instead of the flat edge."
+
+That was all; but WALKER seems to think it was enough. Carried out on
+a larger scale, before and since Waterloo, similar accidents have
+had even more direful results. But CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN, by voice and
+manner, succeeded in throwing into explanation an amount of conviction
+that communicated itself to House, and even quietened DON'T KEIR
+HARDIE. The choice of the word "meeting" was perhaps most exquisite
+touch in answer. Without venturing upon assertion, it conveyed
+impression that responsibility for regrettable occurrence was fully
+shared by Mr. WALKER. Meeting implies advance from either side. To
+accomplish the contact, Mr. WALKER'S head must have advanced in the
+direction of the sword, which at the moment happened to be going the
+other way, unfortunately with the sharp edge to the front. Hence,
+between the two, the abrasion of Mr. WALKER'S skull.
+
+[Illustration: VIEW OF "COMMITTEE STAGE OF THE HOME-RULE BILL." "CALL"
+FOR THE AUTHOR AND MANAGER.]
+
+CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN did not add another word, but everyone who knows
+his kindness of heart will understand his unuttered wish that when in
+future WALKER takes his walks abroad he will be more careful. At least,
+if his head insists upon meeting swords going the other way, he may be
+expected to note whether it is the sharp edge or the flat that is out
+for the day.
+
+_Business done._--Financial Clause Home-Rule Bill in Committee. A long
+dull night, flashing forth at end in encounter between JOSEPH and his
+"right hon. friend." Mr. G. in tremendous force and vigour. In its way
+it was CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN'S story over again, JOSEPH'S blameless head
+meeting the sharp edge of Mr. G.'s sword. Where difference came in was
+in circumstance that no one seemed to regard accident as regrettable.
+On contrary, whilst the Home-Rulers whooped in wild delight, the
+Opposition crowded the benches to watch the fun.
+
+_Friday_, 1.20 A.M.--If there is in the world at this moment a
+thoroughly astonished man it is JOHN WILLIAM LOGAN, Member of
+Parliament for the South (Harborough) division of Leicestershire. Just
+now LOGAN'S mind is disturbed and his collar ruffled by an incident in
+the passage of Home-Rule Bill; but he is capable of giving perfectly
+coherent account of events. At ten o'clock MELLOR rose as usual to set
+in motion machinery of guillotine. Question at moment before Committee
+peremptorily put. LOGAN, unguardedly descending from serene atmosphere
+of side gallery, reached floor of House; was passing between table and
+Front Opposition Bench towards division lobby when he beheld vision of
+VICARY GIBBS skipping down gangway steps shouting and waving his arms.
+LOGAN, a man of philosophical temperament and inquiring mind, halted
+to watch course of events. Something apparently wrong in the City;
+things either gone up or gone down; VICARY GIBBS certainly come down;
+was now seated beside PRINCE ARTHUR, with hat fiercely pressed over
+brow, excitedly shouting at Chairman. As everybody else was shouting
+at same moment, Chairman wrung his hands, and spasmodically cried
+"Order! Order!" LOGAN had presence of mind to note that whilst VICARY
+in any pause in the storm cried aloud, "Mr. MELLOR, I rise to order,"
+he was sitting down all the time with his hat on.
+
+That was LOGAN'S last collected idea before personal affairs
+entirely engrossed his attention. HAYES FISHER, in ordinary times
+mildest-mannered man that ever helped to govern Ireland, took note of
+LOGAN still standing in passage between Front Bench and table; effect
+upon him miraculous.
+
+"Yah, LOGAN!" he yelled; "get out. Bah! bah! go to the Bar."
+
+Contagion of fury touched CARSON, who had hitherto been shouting
+at large. He now turned on LOGAN. "Gag! gag!" he yelled. "Gang of
+gaggers." Then, in heat of moment, he cried above the uproar, "Gag of
+gangers."
+
+This too much for LOGAN. Hitherto stood everything; now sat down
+in contiguity to CARSON. Here is where the surprise came in. Front
+Opposition Bench not his usual place, but was nearest available seat.
+His standing up objected to; it was certainly against rules of law and
+order that prevail in the House of Commons. Very well then, he would
+sit down. This he did, taking vacant place by CARSON. But, like the
+bo'sun and the sailor strung up for forty lashes, hit high or hit low
+he couldn't please them. The scene that followed has no parallel
+since similar disturbance took place in Dotheboys Hall when _Nicholas
+Nickleby_ revolted and "took it out" of _Squeers_. HAYES FISHER
+leaning over clutched LOGAN by the back of the neck and thrust him
+forth. ASHMEAD-BARTLETT, seeing opportunity of winning his knightly
+spurs, firmly fixed his eyeglass, and felt for LOGAN in the front.
+
+That the table and front Opposition Bench were not "steepled" in
+LOGAN'S gore, as were the forms and benches at Dotheboy's Hall in
+that of _Fanny Squeers's_ Pa, was due to diversion raised from another
+quarter. Irish members below Gangway, seeing the scrimmage, and noting
+CARSON had something to do with it, moved down in body with wild
+"whirroo!" SAUNDERSON, providentially in his place, sprang up and
+advanced to intercept the rolling flood. CREAN being on crest of
+advancing wave found his face, by what CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN would
+describe as a "regrettable accident." in contact with the Colonel's
+fist. Moreover, it was the knuckly end, scarcely less hurtful than the
+sharp edge of the sword which laid WALKER (of London) low. CREAN drew
+back, but only _pour mieux reculer_, as they say in Cork. Whilst the
+Colonel was standing in the attitude of pacific impartiality he later
+described to the SPEAKER, CREAN dealt him an uncommonly nasty one on
+the chops; the thud distinctly heard amid the Babel of cries in the
+miniature Donnybrook below Gangway. Amid moving, struggling mass,
+SAUNDERSON'S white waistcoat flashed to and fro like flag of truce,
+to which, alas! there was no response. What became of LOGAN in this
+crisis not quite clear. Fancy I saw WALROND extricating him from the
+embraces of FANNY-SQUEERS-ASHMEAD-BARTLETT. Mr. G. looked on with
+troubled face from Treasury Bench. BARTLEY standing up on edge of
+scrimmage, pointed accusatory forefinger at him, was saying something,
+probably opprobrious but at the moment inaudible.
+
+"So like BARTLEY to go to root of matter," said GEORGE RUSSELL, who
+surveyed scene from sanctuary of Speaker's chair. "Others might
+accuse JOSEPH of being responsible for disturbance by likening his
+old colleague and chief to iniquitous King HEROD at the epoch when
+the worms were waiting to make an end of him. VICARY GIBBS and good
+Conservatives generally are sure it was TAY PAY'S retort of 'JUDAS!
+JUDAS!' that dropped the fat into the fire. Only BARTLEY has cool
+judgment and presence of mind to point the moral of the moving scene.
+A striking figure in the inextricable _mêlée._ When his statue is
+added to that of great Parliamentarians in St. Stephen's Hall, the
+sculptor should seize this attitude."
+
+_Business done._--Home-Rule Bill through Committee; but first a real
+taste of Donnybrook.
+
+[Illustration: AFTER THE FALL OF THE CURTAIN. EXPLANATIONS.]
+
+_Friday Night._--House a little languid after excitement of last
+night. Attendance small; subject at morning sitting, Scotch Education;
+at night, Agriculture. Dr. HUNTER thinks it would be nice to have
+Committee of Inquiry into origin and progress of last night's row.
+Nobody else takes that view; general impression is, we'd better forget
+it as soon as possible.
+
+_Business done._--TREVELYAN explains Scotch Education Vote.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ANGEL (IN THE HOUSE)'S ADVOCATE.--Mr. WOODALL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+Page 49: 'gáteau' corrected to gâteau'.
+The paper was much applauded, and GATTO _prends le gâteau_.
+
+Page 51: "it's" corrected to "its". (... so that its impulse Be
+humorous not malevolent;)
+
+Page 57: 'responsility' corrected to 'responsibility' (Would you ever
+act upon your own responsibility?)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+105,  August  5th 1893, by Various
+
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+  .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;}
+  .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img
+                       {border: none;}
+  .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p
+                       {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;}
+  .figcenter           {margin: auto;}
+
+  </style>
+</head>
+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105, 
+August  5th 1893, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105,  August  5th 1893
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Francis  Burnand
+
+Release Date: May 19, 2011 [EBook #36139]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page49" id="page49"></a>[pg 49]</span>
+<h1>Punch, or the London Charivari</h1>
+
+<h2>Volume 105, August 5th 1893</h2>
+
+<h3><i>edited by Sir Francis Burnand</i></h3>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<h2>THE DIRECTOR'S VADE MECUM.</h2>
+
+<ul class="none">
+<li><i>Question.</i> What is your
+duty as a Director?</li>
+
+<li><i>Answer.</i> To give my name
+to a prospectus.</li>
+
+<li><i>Q.</i> Is there any necessary
+formality before making this
+donation?</li>
+
+<li><i>A.</i> Yes; I am to accept a
+certain number of qualifying
+shares in the company obtaining
+the advantage of my
+directorial services.</li>
+
+<li><i>Q.</i> Need you pay for these
+shares?</li>
+
+<li><i>A.</i> With proper manipulation,
+certainly not.</li>
+
+<li><i>Q.</i> What other advantages
+would you secure by becoming
+a Director?</li>
+
+<li><i>A.</i> A guinea an attendance.</li>
+
+<li><i>Q.</i> Anything else?</li>
+
+<li><i>A.</i> A glass of sherry and a
+sandwich.</li>
+
+<li><i>Q.</i> What are your duties at
+a Board Meeting?</li>
+
+<li><i>A.</i> To shake hands with the
+Secretary, and to sign an
+attendance book.</li>
+
+<li><i>Q.</i> What are your nominal
+duties?</li>
+
+<li><i>A.</i> Have not the faintest
+idea.</li>
+
+<li><i>Q.</i> Would it be right to
+include in your nominal duties
+the protection of the interests
+of the shareholders?</li>
+
+<li><i>A.</i> As likely as not.</li>
+
+<li><i>Q.</i> Would it be overstating
+the case to say that thousands
+and thousands of needy persons
+are absolutely ruined by the
+selfish inattention of a company's
+direction?</li>
+
+<li><i>A.</i> Not at all&mdash;possibly understating
+it.</li>
+
+<li><i>Q.</i> I suppose you never read
+a prospectus to which you put
+your name?</li>
+
+<li><i>A.</i> Never.</li>
+
+<li><i>Q.</i> Nor willingly wish to
+ruin any one?</li>
+
+<li><i>A.</i> No; why should I?</li>
+
+<li><i>Q.</i> You are guilty of gross
+ignorance and brutal indifference?</li>
+
+<li><i>A.</i> Quite so.</li>
+
+<li><i>Q.</i> And consequently know
+that, according to the view of
+the Judges, you are above the
+law?</li>
+
+<li><i>A.</i> That is so.</li>
+
+<li><i>Q.</i> And may therefore do
+what you like, without any
+danger to your own interests?</li>
+
+<li><i>A.</i> To be sure.</li>
+
+<li><i>Q.</i> And consequently will
+do what you best please, in
+spite of anything, and anybody?</li>
+
+<li><i>A.</i> Why, certainly.</li>
+</ul>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"><a href="images/049-800.png"><img src="images/049-365.png" width="365" height="470" alt="DIFFERENCE OF OPINION." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">DIFFERENCE OF OPINION.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Stern Parent.</i> "<span class="sc">No wonder you look so Seedy and fit for nothing.
+I hear you came Home so very late last night!</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Youth (who is having his fling).</i> "<span class="sc">Beg your pardon, Dad, I did nothing
+of the sort. I came Home very early!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind">At a meeting of the International
+Maritime Congress
+"M. <span class="sc">Gatto</span> read a paper on
+Harbour Lights." Does this
+mean that one of the Adelphoi
+<span class="sc">Gatti</span> read the paper (extract
+from the play, or perhaps a
+play-bill) on <i>Harbour Lights</i>,
+which was an Adelphi success?
+Of course one of "the <span class="sc">Gatti's</span>"
+would be in the singular "M.
+<span class="sc">Gatto</span>." The paper was much
+applauded, and <span class="sc">Gatto</span> <i>prends
+le</i> <ins title="T.N.: Original reads 'gáteau'"><i>gâteau</i></ins>.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind"><span class="sc">From Spirit Land.</span>&mdash;The
+Spirits or Spooks from the
+vasty deep that can be called
+and will come when <ins title="T.N.: Sic; see page 52">Stead-ily</ins>
+and persistently summoned
+will not be the first to speak.
+The "Spooks" well-bred rule
+of politeness is, "Don't spook
+till you're spooken to." Also,
+"A good Spook must be seen
+and not heard."</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>MUSIC FOR THE MULTITUDE;</h2>
+
+<h4><span class="sc">Or, Belmont on the Embankment.</span></h4>
+
+<p class="center"><i>A Morality (adapted from the "Merchant of
+Venice") for Men in Municipal Authority.</i></p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+["The music on the Embankment during the
+pressman's dinner-hour is a much more important
+matter than it seems to be. It would be a most
+beneficial institution for all indoor labourers; for
+it is not the long hours of labour&mdash;though they
+are bad enough&mdash;so much as its monotony that
+makes it so wearisome."&mdash;<i>Mr. James Payn in
+"Our Note Book."</i>]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem1">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4"><i>Lorenzo</i> &nbsp;. &nbsp;&nbsp;. &nbsp;A Journeyman Printer.</p>
+<p class="i4"><i>Jessica</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;. &nbsp;&nbsp;. &nbsp;His "Young Woman."</p>
+</div>  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2"><span class="sc">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>The Thames Embankment Garden.</i></p>
+</div>  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4"><i>Lorenzo.</i> Sweetheart, let's in; they may expect our coming.</p>
+<p>And yet no matter:&mdash;why should we go in?</p>
+<p>The Toffs at last, have had compassion on us,</p>
+<p>Within the house, or office, mewed too long,</p>
+<p>And bring our music forth into the air.</p>
+<p class="i20">[<i>They take a seat.</i></p>
+<p>How bright the sunshine gleams on this Embankment!</p>
+<p>Here will we sit, and let the sounds of music</p>
+<p>Creep in our ears: soft green and Summer sunlight</p>
+<p>Become the touches of sweet harmony.</p>
+<p>Sit, <span class="sc">Jessica</span>: look, how this green town-garden</p>
+<p>Is thickly crowded with the young and old:</p>
+<p>There's not the smallest child which thou behold'st</p>
+<p>But by his movements shows his young heart sings,</p>
+<p>As though poor kids were young eye'd cherubim:</p>
+<p>Such love of music lives in simple souls;</p>
+<p>But whilst grim pedants and fanatics sour</p>
+<p>Have power to stop, they will not let us hear it!</p>
+<p class="i20">[<i>Musicians tune up.</i></p>
+<p>Hullo! The <i>Intermezzo</i>. Like a hymn</p>
+<p>With sweeter touches charming to the ear,</p>
+<p>The soul's drawn home by music.</p>
+<p class="i20">[<i>Music.</i></p>
+</div>  <div class="stanza">
+<p><i>Jessica.</i> I'm always soothed like when I</p>
+<p>hear nice music.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p><i>Lorenzo.</i> The reason is your spirits are responsive.</p>
+<p>For do but note a wild and wanton mob</p>
+<p>Of rough young rascals, like unbroken colts,</p>
+<p>Fetching mad bounds, bellowing and blaring loud,</p>
+<p>Which shows the hot condition of their blood;</p>
+<p>If they, perchance, but hear a brass-band sound,</p>
+<p>Or harp and fiddle duet touch their ears,</p>
+<p>Or even <i>Punch's</i> pan-pipe, or shrill "squeaker,"</p>
+<p>You shall perceive them make a mutual stand,</p>
+<p>Their wandering eyes turned to an earnest gaze,</p>
+<p>By the sweet power of music: therefore poets</p>
+<p>Tell us old Orpheus drew trees, stones, and floods,</p>
+<p>Since naught so blockish, hard, insensible,</p>
+<p>But music for the time doth change his nature.</p>
+<p>The man who would keep music to himself,</p>
+<p>Grudging the mob all concord of sweet sounds,</p>
+<p>Is fit for Bedlam, not the County Council!</p>
+<p>The motions of his spirit are dull as night,</p>
+<p>And his affections cold as Arctic bergs.</p>
+<p>Let no such man be trusted!&mdash;Mark the music!</p>
+<p class="i4">(<i>Left marking it attentively.</i>)</p>
+</div>  </div>
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>A Northern Light.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">(Dr. <span class="sc">John Rae</span>, <i>the venerable and valiant Arctic
+Explorer, is dead</i>.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>The Arctic Circle and far Hudson's Bay</p>
+<p>Bear witness to the glories of <span class="sc">John Rae</span>.</p>
+<p>The darkened world, with deep regret, will own</p>
+<p>Another <span class="sc">Rae</span> of Light and Leading gone!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind">Mrs. R. thinks she will not go abroad for
+a holiday tour. "You see, my dear," she
+says, "I don't mind owning that I am not
+well up in French and German, and I should
+not like to have always to be travelling about
+with an Interrupter."</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page50" id="page50"></a>[pg 50]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/050-1200.png"><img src="images/050-365.png" width="365" height="485" alt="'THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE.'" /></a>
+<h3>"<span class="sans">THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE.</span>"</h3>
+
+<h4><span class="sc">Design for a Stained-Glass Window for Westminster, By W. E. G.</span></h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+["Would his right hon. friend excuse his suggesting an analogy
+of the character which he bore with that which was systematically assumed, he
+believed, under ancient rules, in the Court of Rome ... when it was proposed,
+in consequence of the peculiar excellence of some happy human being
+who had departed this life, to raise him ... to the order of the
+saints ... there was always brought into the Court a gentleman who
+went ... under the name of devil's advocate. His peculiar function was to
+go through the career of the proposed saint, to seize upon and magnify
+every human failing or error, to misconstrue everything that was capable of
+misconstruction.... That was the case of his right hon. friend."&mdash;<i>Mr.
+Gladstone on Mr. Chamberlain.</i>]</p></blockquote></div>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page51" id="page51"></a>[pg 51]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/051-1500.png"><img src="images/051-600.png" width="600" height="403" alt="A TRIAL OF FAITH." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">A TRIAL OF FAITH.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Bertie (at intervals).</i> "<span class="sc">I used to&mdash;&mdash;What the&mdash;&mdash;do a lot
+of&mdash;&mdash;Conf&mdash;&mdash;Rowing, one time!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>"THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE."</h2>
+
+<h4><i>Old Parliamentary Pictor soliloquiseth</i>:&mdash;</h4>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"<i>As when a painter, poring on a face</i>,</p>
+<p><i>Divinely thro' all hindrance finds the man</i></p>
+<p><i>Behind it, and so paints him that his face</i>,</p>
+<p><i>The shape and colour of a mind and life</i>,</p>
+<p><i>Lives for his children, ever at its best</i></p>
+<p><i>And fullest.</i>"</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i10">   Aye, my <span class="sc">Alfred</span>, there you hit</p>
+<p>The portrait-painter's function to a hair;</p>
+<p>And here I hit the essential inner <span class="sc">Joe</span>.</p>
+<p>And so he'll live. But "ever at his best,</p>
+<p>And fullest?" Humph! His Brummagem retinue</p>
+<p>Will scarce acknowledge <i>that</i>. Some call him "<span class="sc">Judas</span>,"</p>
+<p>But that is rude, and leads to shameful rows.</p>
+<p>Chaff is one thing and insolence another;</p>
+<p>E'en caricature may pass, so that <ins title="T.N.: Original reads 'it's'">its</ins> impulse</p>
+<p>Be humorous not malevolent; but coarse spleen,</p>
+<p>Taking crude shape in truthless graphic slander,</p>
+<p>Is boyish work,&mdash;bad manners and bad art!</p>
+<p>And so <span class="sc">Tay Pay</span> transgressed the bounds of taste,</p>
+<p>And led to shameful shindy. <span class="sc">Herod</span>? Humph!</p>
+<p><i>That</i> flout "lacked finish," as great <span class="sc">Dizzy</span> said,</p>
+<p><i>He</i> pricked, not stabbed, was fencer, not brute-bruiser,</p>
+<p>But he of Brummagem hath much to learn</p>
+<p>In gentlemanly sword-play.</p>
+<p class="i12">        "Devil's Advocate!"</p>
+<p>That hits him off, I think! <i>Not</i> Devil,&mdash;no!</p>
+<p>(Though angry blunderheads will twist it that way)</p>
+<p>But ruthless slater of the pseudo-saint!</p>
+<p>The pseudo-saint, I own, looks limp and floppy,</p>
+<p>Half-fledged and awkward at the cherub <i>rôle</i>.</p>
+<p>Poor saint! He's had much mauling, must have more,</p>
+<p>Ere he assumes the nimbus, and I would</p>
+<p>That he looked less lop-sided. Yes, my <span class="sc">Joe</span>!</p>
+<p>You'll spot some "human failings" I've no doubt.</p>
+<p>To exercise your "double million magnifyin'</p>
+<p>Gas microscopes of hextra power" upon.</p>
+<p>Your "wision" is not "limited" by "deal doors"</p>
+<p>Or "flights o' stairs," or friends, or facts, or fairness,</p>
+<p>You hardly need suggestions diabolic</p>
+<p>From that hook-nosed attorney at your elbow</p>
+<p>To urge you to the attack; erect, alert,</p>
+<p>Orchid-adorned, and eye-glass-armed, you stand</p>
+<p>The sharpest, shrewdest, most acidulous,</p>
+<p>Dapper and dauntless "Devil's Advocate"</p>
+<p>That ever blackened a poor "saint" all over</p>
+<p>Othello-wise, or robbed a postulant</p>
+<p>For canonisation of a hopeful chance</p>
+<p>Of full apotheosis, and the right</p>
+<p>Of putting on the nimbus.</p>
+<p class="i12">        There, 'tis finished:</p>
+<p>And&mdash;on the whole&mdash;'twere well I had not limned it!</p>
+<p>'Twas tempting, yes, and pleasant in the painting,</p>
+<p>But&mdash;well, I've paid for it, and much misdoubt</p>
+<p>If it was worth the price. Followers applaud,</p>
+<p>I&mdash;suffer. Oh, that mob of scuffling men,</p>
+<p>Clawing and cursing, while the gallery hissed!</p>
+<p><i>Hissed</i>&mdash;not a pothouse outpour in full fight,</p>
+<p>Not clamorous larrikins, or rowdy roughs</p>
+<p>By prize-ring or on race-course fired with drink,</p>
+<p>But England's Commons settling&mdash;with their fists</p>
+<p>A Constitutional Contest! Shame, O shame!</p>
+<p>And much I fear my Art must <i>somewhat</i> share the blame!</p>
+<p class="i18">[<i>Left lamenting.</i></p>
+</div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">"Mrs. Tanqueray has left town."</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p><span class="sc">They</span> talk of <span class="sc">Alexander</span></p>
+<p class="i2">And Mrs. <i>Tanque-ray</i>,</p>
+<p>Now who would raise my dander</p>
+<p class="i2">Will just abuse that play.</p>
+<p class="i6">For few there are</p>
+<p class="i6">That can compare&mdash;</p>
+<p>Well,&mdash;if so, give their names,&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">With <i>Mrs. Tanque-ray</i></p>
+<p class="i2">Who has just gone away</p>
+<p>From the Theatre of St. James.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind">Mrs. R. says that of all <span class="sc">Shakspeare's</span>
+plays produced at the Lyceum, she liked
+<i>Henry the Eighth</i> the best, because of the
+character of <i>Cardinal Bullseye</i>, which Mr.
+<span class="sc">Irving</span> played so sweetly.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind"><span class="sc">Statues of the two New Parliamentary
+Giants to be Erected as Guarding the
+House of Commons.</span>&mdash;Gag and Maygag.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind"><span class="sc">Theatrical Pedestrian Match.</span>&mdash;Match
+between two "Walking Gentlemen." Date not
+yet fixed. Stake-holder "Walker, London."</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page52" id="page52"></a>[pg 52]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3 class="sans">A VISIT TO BORDERLAND.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>I called on Mr. <span class="sc">Stead</span> last week, at least I seemed to call,</p>
+<p>For in this "visionary" world one can't be sure at all;</p>
+<p>And when I reached the great man's house he shook me by the hand,</p>
+<p>And talked, as only <span class="sc">Stead</span> can talk, of Spooks and <i>Borderland</i>,</p>
+<p>I own that I was tired of men who live upon the earth,</p>
+<p>They hadn't recognised, I felt, my full and proper worth;</p>
+<p>"They'll judge me much more fairly," I reflected, "when they're dead,&mdash;</p>
+<p>So I'll go and seek an interview with <span class="sc">William Thomas Stead</span>."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The reason why I went to <span class="sc">Stead</span> is this: the great and good</p>
+<p>Has lately found that English ghosts are much misunderstood;</p>
+<p>Substantial man may swagger free, but, spite of all his boasts,</p>
+<p>STEAD holds there is a future, and a splendid one, for ghosts.</p>
+<p>And so he has an office, a sort of ghostly <span class="sc">Cook's</span>,</p>
+<p>Where tours may be contracted for to Borderland and Spooks;</p>
+<p>And those who yearn to mix with ghosts have only got to go</p>
+<p>And talk, as I conversed, with <span class="sc">Stead</span> for half an hour or so.</p>
+  </div> </div>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width: 350px;"><a href="images/052-800.png"><img src="images/052-350.png" width="350" height="467" alt="" /></a></div>
+
+  <div class="poem"> <div class="stanza">
+<p>The ghosts have got a paper too, the <i>Borderland</i> I spoke of,</p>
+<p>Where raps and taps are registered that scoffers make a joke of:</p>
+<p>A medium's magazine it is, a ghostly gazetteer</p>
+<p>Produced by <span class="sc">William Thomas Stead</span>, the Julianic seer.</p>
+<p>And everything that dead men do to help the men who live,</p>
+<p>The chains they clank, the sighs they heave, the warnings that they give,</p>
+<p>The coffin-lids they lift at night when folk are tucked in bed,</p>
+<p>Are all set down in black and white by <span class="sc">William Thomas Stead</span>.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>While wide-awake he sees such shapes as others merely dream on;</p>
+<p>For instance there is <span class="sc">Julia</span>, a sort of female dæmon;</p>
+<p>Like some tame hawk she stoops to him, she perches on his wrist&mdash;</p>
+<p>In life she was a promising, a lady journalist;</p>
+<p>And now that death has cut her off she leaves the ghostly strand</p>
+<p>And turns her weekly copy out by guiding <span class="sc">William's</span> hand.</p>
+<p>Yet, oh, it makes me writhe like one who sits him down on tin tacks</p>
+<p>To note that happy ghost's contempt for grammar and for syntax.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Well, well, I called on <span class="sc">Stead</span>, you know; a doctor's talk of diet is,</p>
+<p>And <span class="sc">Stead's</span> was of his psychic food as cure for my anxieties.</p>
+<p>I thought I'd take a chair to sit (it looked to me quite common) on,</p>
+<p>"You can't sit there," observed the Sage; "that's merely a phenomenon."</p>
+<p>Two ladies, as I entered, seemed expressing of their gratitudes</p>
+<p>For help received to Mr. <span class="sc">Stead</span> in sentimental attitudes;</p>
+<p>They saw me, pirouetted twice, then vanished with a high kick.</p>
+<p>"It's nothing," said the Editor; "they are not real, but psychic."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>These things, I own, surprised me much; I fidgetted uneasily;</p>
+<p>"Why, bless the man, he's had a shock!" said Mr. <span class="sc">Stead</span>, quite breezily.</p>
+<p>"<i>We</i> do these things the whole year round, it's merely knack to do them;</p>
+<p>A man who does them every day gets quite accustomed to them.</p>
+<p>This room of mine is full of ghosts,"&mdash;it sounded most funereal&mdash;</p>
+<p>"I've only got to say the word to make them all material.</p>
+<p>I'll say it promptly, if you wish; they cannot well refuse me."</p>
+<p>But my eagerness had vanished, and I begged him to excuse me.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>"Now <span class="sc">Julia</span>," he continued, "is in many ways a rum one,</p>
+<p>But, whatever else they say of her, they can't say she's a dumb one.</p>
+<p>She speaks&mdash;she's speaking now," he said. "I wonder what she'll tell us.</p>
+<p>What's that? She says she likes your looks; she wants to make me jealous."</p>
+<p>That gave me pause, and made me think 'twas fully time I went; it is</p>
+<p>A fearful thing to fascinate these bodiless non-entities.</p>
+<p>Of course when people go to Rome they act like folk at Rome, you know,</p>
+<p>But flirting didn't suit my book&mdash;I've got a wife at home, you know.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Well, next I felt a gust of wind, "That's Colonel <span class="sc">Bones</span>," my host said;</p>
+<p>"He's dropped his helmet" (think of that, a helmet on a ghost's head).</p>
+<p>"I don't much care," he whispered this, "in fact, I can't endure him;</p>
+<p>Dragoons do use such awful words; I've tried in vain to cure him."</p>
+<p>I ventured to suggest to <span class="sc">Stead</span> that rather than be bluffed I</p>
+<p>Would make this cursing soldier-ghost turn out in psychic mufti;</p>
+<p>He couldn't drop his helmet then, nor threaten with his sabre.</p>
+<p>"I've tried to," said the Editor, "it's only wasted labour.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>"I've sought advice," continued <span class="sc">Stead</span>, "from <span class="sc">Cantuar</span> and <span class="sc">Ebor</span>,</p>
+<p>They hinted that they couldn't stand a she-ghost and a he-bore.</p>
+<p>I tried to get a word or two from men of arts and letters,</p>
+<p>They said they drew the line at Spooks who made a noise with fetters.</p>
+<p>And when I talked of bringing men and ghostly shapes together</p>
+<p>The Bishops tapped their foreheads and conversed about the weather.</p>
+<p>In fact"&mdash;he grew quite petulant&mdash;"in all this world's immensity</p>
+<p>I'd back the Bench of Bishops to beat the rest in density."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And so he talked, till suddenly&mdash;(perhaps he's talking still;</p>
+<p>In talking of his own affairs, he has a wondrous skill)&mdash;</p>
+<p>There came a noise, as if Old <span class="sc">Bones</span> had let off all his blanks at once,</p>
+<p>As if a thousand theorists were turning all their cranks at once;</p>
+<p>It seemed to lift me off my legs, and seize me by the hair,</p>
+<p>And sweep me mute but terrified through all the spook-filled air.</p>
+<p>And, when I got my senses back, I vowed no more to tread</p>
+<p>The paths that lead to Borderland, nor ask advice of <span class="sc">Stead</span>.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Pietro Ghisleri</i> is another success for that charming writer
+<span class="sc">Marion Crawford</span>. The style is everything. The story is not of so
+thrilling a nature as to be absorbing, but it is sufficiently interesting&mdash;for
+the Baron, at least, with whom M.C.&mdash;"Master of his Craft"&mdash;is
+a great favourite. "Odd, though," murmurs the Baron to himself,
+and he seldom murmurs about anything; "odd that a writer
+like our <span class="sc">Marion</span> should, in Vol. II., p. 35, pen such a sentence as
+this: "There are plenty of others whom you may care for more than
+I." Of course the author intends <i>Maddalena del' Armi</i>, who
+utters these words, to convey to her listener and to the reader that
+"There are plenty of others for whom you may care more than (you
+care) for me." How does "than I" get into this sentence, unless it
+is to mean "There are plenty of others for whom you may care more
+than I care for them"&mdash;<i>quod est absurdum</i>." It is unfortunate that
+the pivot on which the plot turns is so highly improbable as to be
+almost impossible, for is it not most unlikely that any Catholic,
+educated or uneducated, should ever <i>write</i> her confession to her
+confessor, and send it by post, instead of going to him, and making it
+by word of mouth? She must have known that, in so doing, she
+was making no confession at all, <i>i.e.</i>, in the restrictedly religious
+sense of the word. While she was about it, she might as well have
+inclosed a stamped and addressed envelope for the absolution to be
+sent by return. This is the hinge of the story; and it is a very weak
+one. Mr. <span class="sc">Crawford</span> recognises this when his other characters
+casually discuss the probability of <i>Adèle's</i> having done such a thing.
+However, grant this, which is almost as easily done as granting
+superhuman strength to a Ouidaesque hero, and the book&mdash;in three
+of <span class="sc">Macmillan's</span> blue volumes&mdash;is fascinating. Such is the candid
+opinion of <span style="float: right"><span class="sc">The Baron de Book-worms</span>.</span><br /><br /><br /></p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page53" id="page53"></a>[pg 53]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/053-800.png"><img src="images/053-400.png" width="400" height="460" alt="THE SPIRIT LEVEL." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">THE SPIRIT LEVEL.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Relentless Youth.</i> "<span class="sc">'Ullo 'ere, Guv'nor, What 'yer up to naow?
+Tykin' a Hordnance Surwey o' the District, I suppose!!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>TO A PARISIENNE.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>["Paris est le centre du bon goût."&mdash;<i>Les Précieuses Ridiculis, Scène X.</i>]</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>By Jove, what festive tints you wear, <i>chère</i> Madame!</p>
+<p>These <i>fin-de-siècle</i> furbelows of la dame</p>
+<p>Would scare the very simply dressed <i>Père</i> <span class="sc">Adam</span>.</p>
+<p class="i14">      On you they're charming;</p>
+<p>But when the fashion spreads to distant quarters,</p>
+<p>And far across the Channel's choppy waters</p>
+<p>They glow on England's humble, tasteless daughters,</p>
+<p class="i14">      They'll be alarming.</p>
+<p>Bright blue, gay green, loud lilac, yelling yellow&mdash;</p>
+<p>Yelling for <i>criard</i>, pray forgive a fellow</p>
+<p>For using words that time has not turned mellow&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i14">      Must not be worse made</p>
+<p>Than in your costumes, gracefully assorted.</p>
+<p>Think what these tints will be, transposed, distorted,</p>
+<p>By English laundress, flower-girl, and sported</p>
+<p class="i14">      By cook or nursemaid!</p>
+<p>Our eyes! Oh, save them then with shades or goggles!</p>
+<p>For reason totters on its throne, which joggles.</p>
+<p>In choosing tints the Englishwoman boggles;</p>
+<p class="i14">     "<i>Chacun à son goût.</i>"</p>
+<p>You're always <i>comme il faut</i> from boots to bonnet.</p>
+<p>For Paris, praised in song, and ode, and sonnet,</p>
+<p>Is still, as when <i>les Précieuses</i> doated on it,</p>
+<p class="i14">     "<i>Le centre du bon goût.</i>"</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind1"><span class="sc">Merry Margit!</span>"&mdash;"I was at Margate last July," sang <span class="sc">Thomas
+Barham</span>, when telling of the <i>Little Vulgar Boy</i>, and so were we,
+this July, for the purpose of passing a few happy hours at the renovated
+Cliftonville Hotel under the government of Mr. <span class="sc">Holland</span>, vice-regent
+for Messrs. <span class="sc">Gordon &amp; Co.</span> No need now to quit the shores of
+England for Antwerp, Rotterdam, or any other of the Rotterdamerung
+Cycle, as visitors to Margate will, on our own shore, find <span class="sc">Holland</span>.
+In the menu Sauce Hollandaise is avoided, and Politesse Hollandaise
+is substituted, to the satisfaction of everybody.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"Voilà ce que l'on dit de moi</p>
+<p>Dans la Gazette de Hollande!"</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p class="ind1">Which couplet the Manageress might sing, as they are words from
+<i>The Grand Dutchess</i>.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>THE MAN MAKES THE TAILOR.</h2>
+
+<h4>(<i>Fragment from a Seasonable Romance.</i>)</h4>
+
+<p>It was towards the close of the London season of 1893 that a man
+in a strange garb was seen at an early hour in the East End of
+London. He attracted considerable attention. It was a rough part
+of the City, still, those who lived there were conventional in their
+costume. They wore black coats, and there was a certain respectability
+about their hats. But the man to whom we refer was eccentric
+in the extreme. His straw hat was worn at the back of his head,
+his cut-away coat was thrown open, showing a huge, collarless
+coloured cotton shirt. He had flannel trousers tucked into digger's
+boots. No one knew whence he came, whither he was going.</p>
+
+<p>"Have you noticed him?" asked the Inspector.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, Sir," replied the Police Constable, "he's got white hands,
+so if he belongs to the dangerous classes, he is a smasher, or a forger,
+or something genteel in that line."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, keep your eye upon him."</p>
+
+<p>"I will, Sir."</p>
+
+<p>And the strange-looking person continued his way. As he walked
+through the City, the merchants regarded him with surprise, but
+there were those amongst the stockbrokers who seemed to receive
+him with recognition.</p>
+
+<p>"I fancy I have seen the Johnnie somewhere before," observed one
+Member of the House to another. "I am almost sure I know the cut
+of his suit."</p>
+
+<p>And the man walked on until he reached Knightsbridge. There
+he was stopped by an elderly, well-dressed, well-to-do individual,
+who had evidently just come up from the country. The two pedestrians
+started back when they met face to face.</p>
+
+<p>"What are you doing in that hideous disguise?" asked the senior
+of the junior.</p>
+
+<p>"It is no disguise, father," was the reply; "it is only the customary
+get up of a young man of fashion between the hours of nine
+and eleven when he proposes to walk in the park."</p>
+
+<p>And, with these words, the strange apparition crossed over the
+road, and entered Rotten Row. And here he was soon lost in a
+crowd quite as eccentrically garbed as himself.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>A WAY THEY HAVE IN THE CITY.</h2>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Board-room of a Public Company.</i> <span class="sc">Time</span>&mdash;<i>A few
+minutes after the close of a General Meeting.</i> <br /><span class="sc">Present</span>&mdash;<i>Chairman of Directors and Secretary.</i></p>
+
+<ul class="none">
+<li><i>Chairman.</i> Well, I think I got in all that was wanted?</li>
+
+<li><i>Secretary.</i> Could not have been better, Sir. You had the figures
+at your fingers' ends.</li>
+
+<li><i>Chair. (laughing).</i> You mean on a sheet of paper in front of me.</li>
+
+<li><i>Sec.</i> And everyone was satisfied, Sir.</li>
+
+<li><i>Chair.</i> As they should have been, considering my flaming
+account of the prosperity of the undertaking. By the way, <i>is</i> it
+flourishing?</li>
+
+<li><i>Sec.</i> Well, Sir, that is scarcely in my department. You must
+ask the auditors.</li>
+
+<li><i>Chair.</i> Oh, never mind; it is a matter of no importance.</li>
+
+<li><i>Sec.</i> I daresay if you wanted any information, Sir, I could get it
+for you.</li>
+
+<li><i>Chair.</i> No, thanks, I don't want to increase my work. I am sure
+I do quite enough for my wretched two or three hundred a year&mdash;don't
+you think so?</li>
+
+<li><i>Sec.</i> Certainly, Sir. You do a great deal more than some
+Chairmen.</li>
+
+<li><i>Chair.</i> Yes, I suppose I do. Come here once a year, and preside
+over an Annual Meeting, and draw my fees. What more <i>can</i>
+I do?</li>
+
+<li><i>Sec.</i> I'm sure I don't know, Sir. A knowledge of the duties of a
+Chairman of Directors comes scarcely within the scope of my
+required services.</li>
+
+<li><i>Chair.</i> Quite so; and now I will say Good-bye!</li>
+
+<li><i>Sec.</i> See you again next year, Sir?</li>
+
+<li><i>Chair.</i> Certainly. If I don't sell out in the meantime. And
+now I must be off. I am due at another meeting, and have to get
+up the necessary figures in five minutes. Do you think I shall do
+it in the time?</li>
+
+<li><i>Sec.</i> Certainly, Sir. You managed the task in less here.</li>
+</ul>
+<p class="center">[<i>Scene closes in upon the valuable pair&mdash;and the security of the
+Public.</i></p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind">"<span class="sc">Friendly Riflery.</span>"&mdash;"<span class="sc">Mellish</span> has followed his miss with
+an inner and two bullseyes." Very kind of <span class="sc">Mellish</span>. We hope
+"his Miss" accepted the two bullseyes. "<span class="sc">Boyd</span> and <span class="sc">Gibbs</span> got
+magpies."
+Whatever sort of pies these may be, it is evident that, with
+"pies" and "bullseyes," our riflemen are fond of sweets.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page54" id="page54"></a>[pg 54]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"><a href="images/054-1500.png"><img src="images/054-600.png" width="600" height="382" alt="MAGNA EST VERITAS." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">MAGNA EST VERITAS.</h3>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">My Daughter will never get another Place with the Character you've been
+giving her, my Lady!</span>"</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">I've only told the <i>Truth</i> about your Daughter, and nothing <i>but</i>
+the Truth!</span>"</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">How would you like the Truth, and nothing but the Truth, told about
+<i>You</i>, my Lady?</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>THE FRENCH WOLF AND THE SIAMESE LAMB.</h2>
+
+<h4><i>An Old Fable with a New Setting.</i></h4>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>A little lamb lived by a flowing stream.</p>
+<p class="i2">A great temptation, when the heat was torrid,</p>
+<p>To thirsty souls that water's limpid gleam.</p>
+<p class="i2">At least so thought a Wolf, of aspect horrid,</p>
+<p>Who, having for some time abstained and fasted,</p>
+<p>Desired to learn how lamb&mdash;and water&mdash;tasted.</p>
+<p>He felt with pinching want his paunch was pining,</p>
+<p>Early he'd lunched, so longed the more for dining.</p>
+<p class="i2">A Cochin China rooster, lank and thin,</p>
+<p class="i2">Or something indigestible from Tonquin,</p>
+<p>For a big, sharp-set Wolf, are snacks, not meals;</p>
+<p>So down the sparkling river Lupus steals,</p>
+<p class="i2">Quite uninvited, but intent on forage,</p>
+<p class="i2">Fronting the fleecy flocks with wondrous courage;</p>
+<p>For whether in the Southdowns, or Siam,</p>
+<p>By the near Medway, or the far Menam,</p>
+<p>Your Wolf is most courageous&mdash;with your Lamb!</p>
+<p>With joy the Lamb he spied, then, growling, said,</p>
+<p class="i2">"Sirrah! how dare you thus disturb my drink?"</p>
+<p>The Lamb, in answer, meekly bowed its head&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">"<i>I</i> trouble not the water, Sir, I think,</p>
+<p>Particularly as I'm sure you'll see</p>
+<p>It flows&mdash;observe the drift&mdash;from you to me!</p>
+<p>You're welcome in the stream to slake your thirst,</p>
+<p>But, may I just observe, <i>I was here first!</i>"</p>
+<p>"Oh! you chop logic!" cried the angry brute.</p>
+<p class="i2">"I can chop, too:&mdash;you've done me other wrong.</p>
+<p>Young Mutton, best with <i>me</i> not to dispute!</p>
+<p class="i2">You've given me already too much tongue.</p>
+<p>Are <i>you</i> the home-born boss of all Siam,</p>
+<p>Of fleet Mekong, and many-creek'd Menam?"</p>
+<p>Mildly young woolly-face replied, "I <i>am</i>!"</p>
+<p class="i2">His optics orientally oblique,</p>
+<p class="i2">Rolling in manner sheepish, soft, and meek.</p>
+<p>"Oh, <i>are</i> you?" snarled the Wolf. "<i>We</i>'ll see about it!</p>
+<p class="i2">'Twixt Western Wolf and Oriental Lamb</p>
+<p class="i2">Equality is a preposterous flam:</p>
+<p>Do you&mdash;as Tonquin did&mdash;presume to doubt it?</p>
+<p class="i2">Fraternity? Well, I'm your elder brother;</p>
+<p class="i2">And Liberty&mdash;to you&mdash;means nought but bother.</p>
+<p>See, silly-face?" "Well, no," the Lamb replied,</p>
+<p>"Such reciprocity seems all one side.</p>
+<p>Not six o' one and half a dozen o' 'tother!"</p>
+<p>"Pooh!" snapped the Wolf.  "Logic's clear <i>terra firma</i></p>
+<p class="i2">Is not for Lambkin, but for Wolf or Lion.</p>
+<p class="i2">If you such little games with me should try on,</p>
+<p>I'd treat you&mdash;well, as Bull did little Burmah.</p>
+<p>I have imperative claims; I'm going to state 'em</p>
+<p>With lupine brevity in an ultimatum.</p>
+<p class="i2">That&mdash;after some two days&mdash;must stand as Law;</p>
+<p class="i2">If after that you give me any jaw,</p>
+<p class="i2">My little Mutton&mdash;well, beware my maw!"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i12"><span class="sc">Moral.</span></p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>This truth my simple Fable doth attest,</p>
+<p>He who has strongest jaw argues the best!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p><span class="sc">At Daly's.</span>&mdash;The Comedy <i>Love in Tandem</i>
+ought to have been in three shorter Acts.
+Mr. <span class="sc">Lewis</span> excellent, so is Mrs. <span class="sc">Gilbert</span>, who
+has not more than ten words to say, but a lot to
+act. Spanish widow also good. Mr. <span class="sc">Bourchier</span>
+is a marvellous example of the
+"Walking Gentleman," being perpetually
+on the move. It is gratifying to see him sit
+down for even a few seconds. Like the engineer
+of the penny steamboat in the burlesque
+of <i>Kenilworth</i>, he "has very much to larn";
+but this fact need not discourage him, any
+more than it did Mr. <span class="sc">Henry Irving</span>, according
+to Mr. <span class="sc">Percy Fitzgerald's</span> recently
+published book of Irvingite Recollections, at
+the commencement of his career. Miss
+<span class="sc">Rehan</span> is, <i>par excellence</i>, the life and soul of
+the piece; and when there has been, in her
+absence, a dull moment or two, she re-enters
+and Rehanimates the whole.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind">"Swimming has been much neglected in
+the British Navy," observed Mr. <span class="sc">Philooly</span>.
+"When there's a Parliament in Dublin we'll
+pass a law that not a sailor shall leave <i>terra
+firma</i> till he can swim."</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page55" id="page55"></a>[pg 55]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/055-1200.png"><img src="images/055-365.png" width="365" height="481" alt="THE FRENCH WOLF AND THE SIAMESE LAMB." /></a>
+<h2>THE FRENCH WOLF AND THE SIAMESE LAMB.</h2></div>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page56" id="page56"></a>[pg 56]</span><br />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page57" id="page57"></a>[pg 57]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>THE SCHOPENHAUER BALLADS.</h2>
+
+<h3>No. I.-THE AQUARIUM OCTOPUS.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>The world is full of pretty things</p>
+<p class="i2">That everyone admires,</p>
+<p>And beauty, even though skin-deep,</p>
+<p class="i2">Is what the world desires.</p>
+<p>I'm handicapped I feel in life,</p>
+<p class="i2">For very obvious reasons,</p>
+<p>And yet my family always think</p>
+<p class="i2">I'm lovely in all seasons!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>My time is principally passed</p>
+<p class="i2">In caverns under water,</p>
+<p>My family are mostly sharks,</p>
+<p class="i2">Except a mermaid daughter;</p>
+<p>She sings her songs and combs her hair</p>
+<p class="i2">To tempt unwary whalers,</p>
+<p>And when we lure them down below</p>
+<p class="i2">It's bad for those poor sailors.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I cannot say I like the sea,</p>
+<p class="i2">The bottom, top, or middle.</p>
+<p>It's always asking, night and day,</p>
+<p class="i2">The same confounded riddle:</p>
+<p>"Why was I made, except to drown</p>
+<p class="i2">The surplus population?"</p>
+<p>This is the sad sea wave's remark</p>
+<p class="i2">At every sea-side station.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>It makes me think about myself&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Octopus too unsightly&mdash;</p>
+<p>Which are my arms and which my legs</p>
+<p class="i2">I never can tell rightly;</p>
+<p>I frighten children&mdash;old and young&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Without the least intention,</p>
+<p>I saved a school from drowning once,</p>
+<p class="i2">But that I mustn't mention!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I'm now at the Aquarium,</p>
+<p class="i2">A "side-show" much belauded,</p>
+<p>My antics, shown three times a day,</p>
+<p class="i2">Are very much applauded;</p>
+<p>The pay is not extremely large&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">A weekly bare subsistence;</p>
+<p>I take it meekly, for it breaks</p>
+<p class="i2">The boredom of existence.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>BALLADE OF EARLSCOURT.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>I've really been extremely gay&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">I've done most things (I mean, in reason)&mdash;</p>
+<p>And, though "it is not always <i>May</i>,"</p>
+<p class="i2">It has been, during my first season.</p>
+<p>At balls and parties I've had fun;</p>
+<p class="i2">I've listened to Home-Rule disputes;</p>
+<p>There's only one thing I've not done&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Alas! I've not been down "the Chutes"!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>With screams and laughter from the height</p>
+<p class="i2">I saw men splash their nice new suits;</p>
+<p>It seemed to cause them great delight;</p>
+<p class="i2">But still&mdash;I have not shot the Chutes.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I've been to all the good first nights,</p>
+<p class="i2">I've cried at <span class="sc">Dusé</span>, laughed at <span class="sc">Penley</span>,</p>
+<p>I have seen all the London sights,</p>
+<p class="i2">I've been to Sandown, Lord's, and Henley.</p>
+<p>At <span class="sc">Ibsen</span> I've serenely smiled,</p>
+<p class="i2">While suff'ring torture from new boots;</p>
+<p><span class="sc">Gladstone</span> I've met, and <span class="sc">Oscar Wilde</span>&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">But ah! I've not been down the Chutes!</p>
+  </div> <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i12"><i>Envoi.</i></p>
+</div>  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Prince, one regret I feel on leaving</p>
+<p class="i2">For country air, and flowers, and fruits&mdash;</p>
+<p>I quit gay London only grieving</p>
+<p class="i2">To think I have not shot the Chutes!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind">"A deuce of a mess between France and
+Siam," observed a Bow-window Politician of
+Clubland. "A deuce of a mess?" repeated
+the other Bow-window man. "You mean, as
+far as France is concerned, it's the very
+<span class="sc">Develle</span>!"</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>WHY ELINOR IS EVER YOUNG.</h2>
+
+<h4>(<i>By a Fiancé à la Mode.</i>)</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p class="ind">
+["... The women they might have married&mdash;the
+girls whom they danced with when they were
+youths&mdash;have grown too old for our middle-aged
+suitors."&mdash;<i>Standard.</i>]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>I'm just engaged: I'm forty-five&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Our modern prime for wedded blisses.</p>
+<p>The age <i>par excellence</i> to wive</p>
+<p class="i2">With blooming <i>fin-de-siècle</i> Misses;</p>
+<p>I'm very happy; so's my Love;</p>
+<p class="i2">I don't regret that long I've tarried;&mdash;</p>
+<p>And yet I can't help thinking of</p>
+<p class="i2">The damozels I might have married.</p>
+  </div> </div>
+
+ <div class="figcenter" style="width: 365px;"><a href="images/057-600.png"><img src="images/057-365.png" width="365" height="470" alt="a Fiancé à la Mode" /></a></div>
+
+ <div class="poem"> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Yes; there was <span class="sc">Janet</span>, slim and pert;</p>
+<p class="i2">I took her in last night to dinner,</p>
+<p>And cannot honestly assert</p>
+<p class="i2">That years conspire to make her thinner;</p>
+<p>Yet once we cooed o'er tea and buns;</p>
+<p class="i2">She quite forgets how on we carried,</p>
+<p>Nor owns, with undergraduate sons,</p>
+<p class="i2">That <i>she</i> was one I might have married.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And <span class="sc">Lilian</span>, emanation soft,</p>
+<p class="i2">Fair widow of the latter Sixties,</p>
+<p>Ideal of the faith that oft</p>
+<p class="i2">With earliest homage intermixt is;</p>
+<p>I used to dream her, oh! so young;</p>
+<p class="i2">She's wrinkled now and bent and arid;</p>
+<p>It almost desecrates my tongue,</p>
+<p class="i2">But <i>she</i> was one I might have married.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>A truce to recollection sore;</p>
+<p class="i2">I'm still considered smart and youthful;</p>
+<p>And trusting, darling <span class="sc">Elinor</span></p>
+<p class="i2">Assures me so with passion truthful;</p>
+<p>In my fond eyes she'll wither ne'er,</p>
+<p class="i2">Because&mdash;the fact can scarce be parried&mdash;</p>
+<p>I shan't survive to see her share</p>
+<p class="i2">The fate of those I might have married!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h4>Mixed.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>I'm Chargé d'Affaires&mdash;"Siam?" <i>Oui.</i></p>
+<p>Pour England je don't care one "d."</p>
+<p class="i6">Je prig le Mekong,</p>
+<p class="i6">Si je keep it not long&mdash;</p>
+<p>They call me "Brigand!"&mdash;<i>Je le suis.</i></p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind"><span class="sc">Mind your Pease and Q.'s.</span>&mdash;<i>Q.</i> "Why
+did Sir <span class="sc">Donald Currie</span> pair with Sir <span class="sc">Joseph
+Pease</span>?"&mdash;No; we are not going to say anything
+about "<span class="sc">Pease</span> and <span class="sc">Currie</span>" going together&mdash;we
+scorn getting a rice out of you
+that way&mdash;besides, this dish has been overdone.
+But the simple answer is, that as Sir
+<span class="sc">Donald</span> couldn't get any other pair this one
+was a "<i>Pease aller</i>." [We're better now.
+"Pax!"]</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>THE RULE OF THE SEA.</h2>
+
+<h4>(<i>For the Use of Admirers of the Admiralty.</i>)</h4>
+
+<ul class="none">
+<li><i>Question.</i> What is your duty as a sailor in
+Her Majesty's Fleet?</li>
+
+<li><i>Answer.</i> To carry out the orders of my
+superiors.</li>
+
+<li><i>Q.</i> If you were told that black was white
+what would you say?</li>
+
+<li><i>A.</i> That white was black.</li>
+
+<li><i>Q.</i> If you were informed that two and
+two made five would you believe it?</li>
+
+<li><i>A.</i> Certainly, and insist that those who
+thought four was the proper answer had been
+gravely misinformed.</li>
+
+<li><i>Q.</i> Would you believe a captain to be
+always in the right?</li>
+
+<li><i>A.</i> Yes, from a lieutenant's point of view.
+Although, of course, I should consider him
+the weakest of authorities in the presence of
+an admiral.</li>
+
+<li><i>Q.</i> Would you ever act upon your own
+<ins title="T.N.: Original reads 'responsility'">responsibility</ins>?</li>
+
+<li><i>A.</i> Never; as such a course would be destructive
+to good discipline.</li>
+
+<li><i>Q.</i> Then, if you were told to perform an impossible
+man&oelig;uvre you would attempt to do it?</li>
+
+<li><i>A.</i> Certainly.</li>
+
+<li><i>Q.</i> Even if you saw that the result must be
+disaster?</li>
+
+<li><i>A.</i> Yes. I should choose the lesser of two
+evils.</li>
+
+<li><i>Q.</i> To what two evils do you refer?</li>
+
+<li><i>A.</i> Loss of life by my obedience, and loss
+of discipline by my disobedience.</li>
+
+<li><i>Q.</i> Which would be the smaller of the two
+disasters?</li>
+
+<li><i>A.</i> The loss of life.</li>
+
+<li><i>Q.</i> But did not <span class="sc">Nelson</span> solve a problem of a
+somewhat similar character by using his
+blind eye?</li>
+
+<li><i>A.</i> Yes; but then <span class="sc">Nelson</span> was unique.</li>
+</ul>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>AN AUSTRALIAN A B C.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem2">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>A&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; <span class="sc">is</span> Australia, the land of their birth.</p>
+<p>B&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; for <span class="sc">Bruce</span>, <span class="sc">Bannerman</span>, batsmen of worth.</p>
+<p>C&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; is young <span class="sc">Coningham</span>, more than a learner.</p>
+<p>D&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; is the Demon, once <span class="sc">Spofforth</span>, now <span class="sc">Turner</span>.</p>
+<p>E&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; the Excitement to see them all play,</p>
+<p>F&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; is the Four on the ground all the way.</p>
+<p>G&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; is for <span class="sc">Graham</span>, the <span class="sc">Giffens</span>, and <span class="sc">Gregory</span>,</p>
+<p>H&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; is a Hit that's maybe in the leg or eye.</p>
+<p>I&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; is the Interest that's caused in the cricket,</p>
+<p>J&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; is for <span class="sc">Jarvis</span>, who sometimes keeps wicket.</p>
+<p>K&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; is the Kangaroo, bold and defiant,</p>
+<p>L&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; is <span class="sc">Jack Lyons</span>, who hits like a giant.</p>
+<p>M&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; is <span class="sc">McLeod</span>, and was <span class="sc">Murdoch</span> of yore,</p>
+<p>N&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; are the Nets, where they practice before.</p>
+<p>O&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; their Opponents, delighted to meet them,</p>
+<p>P&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; for the People, so ready to greet them.</p>
+<p>Q&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; is the Question, "How's that"&mdash;Out or Not?</p>
+<p>R&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; is that terror of batsmen&mdash;a Rot.</p>
+<p>S&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; their success, making Englishmen humble,</p>
+<p>T&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; is for <span class="sc">Trott</span>, and stands also for <span class="sc">Trumble</span>.</p>
+<p>U&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; is the Umpire, to whom they all shout,</p>
+<p>V&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; is the Voice, in which he cries "Out!"</p>
+<p>W&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; the Wickets, our land does not lack 'em,</p>
+<p>X&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; is their Xcellent keeper&mdash;friend <span class="sc">Blackham</span>.</p>
+<p>Y&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; is the Yorker, that's fatal to some,</p>
+<p>And Z shows the ending has really come.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center">The Great Ferris Wheel at Chicago Exhibition
+can "complete a revolution in seven
+minutes." Valuable this in Paris. No
+military required.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page58" id="page58"></a>[pg 58]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"><a href="images/058-800.png"><img src="images/058-320.png" width="320" height="482" alt="FRIENDS IN COUNCIL." /></a>
+
+<h3 class="sans">FRIENDS IN COUNCIL.</h3>
+
+<h4><span class="sc">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Editor's Sanctum, "The Halfpenny Slater."</i></h4>
+
+<p><i>Critic.</i> "<span class="sc">What a pity Shakspeare's dead! It would be such
+a Score to pitch into him as an over-rated Old Idiot! It's
+never been done yet that I know of!</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Editor.</i> "<span class="sc">Ah! capital idea! I don't see that his being Dead
+makes any Odds!</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Critic.</i> "<span class="sc">Oh yes&mdash;for the Reader! Dead 'uns don't feel,
+you know, and there's nobody big enough Living now to be
+worth Powder and Shot, confound it!</span>"
+</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>FROM OUR ISLAND SPECIAL.</h3>
+
+<p>"I come to Cowes," quoth the German Emperor right merrily,
+"as the greatest compliment I can pay to <span class="sc">John Bull</span>. But where
+are the Royal carriages and Royal personages to receive me?"
+Admiral <span class="sc">Commerell</span> steered himself along the main roads, and
+played the part of the look-out man to perfection. "Nothing in the
+offing," he reported to the Emperor. "I hope," returned His
+Imperial Majesty, with a smile, "that this sort of thing doesn't
+offing happen." Everybody in convulsions of laughter, which just
+filled up the time till the appearance on the scene of the Duke of
+<span class="sc">Connaught</span> on the top of the cabin, in the full uniform of a General
+of the Horse Marines. "You're too punctual by half a minute,"
+called out the Duke to the Admiral. Then the Admiral piped his
+eye, and the Royalties lighted cigarettes. "Here are the carriages!
+step in!" quoth the Duke. "Aha!" cried the Emperor gaily, in
+his perfect English. "Here is the carriage and the 'oss, so now we
+shall be borne by the 'oss to <i>Os-borne</i>!" Every one in convulsions,
+and amid roars of laughter the Duke and the Emperor drove off.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h4>CURIOUS CRICKET ANOMALY.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>When a batsman has piled up a hundred, or more,</p>
+<p>Though five twenties he's hit, he has made but "a score."</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>JUST SUE!</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>When a smart cove "sues" a sweet girl, for her hand,</p>
+<p class="i2">Then sueing is soft and as sweet as a peach.</p>
+<p>But e'en sueing comes bitter, you'll all understand,</p>
+<p class="i2">When he bolts, and <i>she</i> sues <i>him</i>&mdash;"for Breach!"</p>
+<p>A true suitor may suit her, but, faithless, the brute</p>
+<p>Deserves what he'll get, a complete change of suit!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2 class="sans">ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4>
+
+<p><i>House of Lords, Monday, July 24.</i>&mdash;Haven't heard much of
+House of Lords this Session. Will take the floor presently, and
+show Commons how Legislation should be conducted. For weeks
+and months they've been slaving round Home-Rule Bill. Noble
+Lords, with fuller experience, and heaven-born aptitude, undertake
+to polish it off in a week. Meanwhile have had less work than usual
+to do. Might even have made long Summer holiday. Patriotically
+insisted upon meeting four times a week, to show, to whom it may
+concern, that at least they are ready for work.</p>
+
+<p>To-night suddenly blazed forth with amazing vigour. Old friend
+<span class="sc">Evelyn Baring</span>, taking his seat under new style, Lord <span class="sc">Cromer</span>,
+agreeably surprised; House almost full; Opposition in high feather;
+cheered <span class="sc">Cadogan</span> and the <span class="sc">Markiss</span> with rare enthusiasm.</p>
+
+<p>"I suppose the question is either the Church or the Land?" said
+<span class="sc">Cromer</span>, looking up his Orders of the Day. "Heard in Egypt those
+were only subjects that made you sit up."</p>
+
+<p>"There's one other," said <span class="sc">Carrington</span>, to whom remark was
+addressed; "though you will say it practically comes to the same
+thing. It's Mr. G. Anything connected with him ruffles House
+with sudden storm. Mr. G. made <span class="sc">Houghton</span> Lord Lieutenant of
+Ireland. <span class="sc">Houghton</span> a charming fellow; popular in both camps;
+but being Mr. G.'s selection for the Viceroyalty, we&mdash;I mean they&mdash;are
+bound to go for him."</p>
+
+<p>Went for him to-night hammer and tongues. <span class="sc">Cadogan</span>, not
+usually a peer of bloodthirsty aspect, clenched his teeth with
+ominous vigour when he discovered <span class="sc">Houghton</span> was not present.
+Had sent him special invitation, he explained. Had even gone so
+far as to leave to him choice of date for his execution. "And now,"
+cried <span class="sc">Cadogan</span>, glaring round the appalled House, "his Excellency
+is not here!"</p>
+
+<p>His absence commented on with towering vigour. Lord Lieutenant's
+procedure, in his dealing with addresses, "dishonest, dishonourable,
+discreditable to all concerned," said <span class="sc">Cadogan</span>, by way of final shot,
+intended to sink whole Ministerial Bench.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Markiss</span>, not to be outdone, denounced Mr. G. as "a despot," and
+his colleagues in the Government "a well-trained company of
+mutes." As for something Lord <span class="sc">Spencer</span> had said, <span class="sc">Markiss</span>
+described it as "a pure invention," which is much politer than Mr.
+<span class="sc">Mantalini's</span> way of referring to similar lapse as "a demnition
+lie." House sat as late as half-past six, and went off home in high
+good humour. "Quite a long time since we wet our spears," said
+the <span class="sc">Markiss</span>. "Just as well sometime, dear <span class="sc">Toby</span>, to show you
+fellows in the Commons what we can do."</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;In Commons Financial Clause to Home-Rule Bill
+passed Second Reading.</p>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Tuesday.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Don't Keir Hardie</span> on again
+with fresh inquiry as to misadventure to one <span class="sc">Arthur Walker</span> on
+day of Royal Wedding. Mr. <span class="sc">Walker</span> (of London) it appears had
+difficulty with mounted officer in command of company of troops.
+Officer says that when ordered to fall back <span class="sc">Walker</span> seized his horse's
+rein. ARTHUR says "Walker!"; didn't do anything of the sort.
+That remains in dispute. What is clear is that <span class="sc">Walker</span> got slight
+scalp wound, inflicted by the warrior's sword. <span class="sc">Don't Keir Hardie</span>
+wants sworn inquiry into case. <span class="sc">Campbell-Bannerman</span> puts whole
+case in nutshell. "An accident," he says, "a regrettable accident;
+entirely owing to fact of the sharp edge of the sword meeting the
+man's head, instead of the flat edge."</p>
+
+<p>That was all; but <span class="sc">Walker</span> seems to think it was enough.
+Carried out on a larger scale, before and since Waterloo, similar
+accidents have had even more direful results. But <span class="sc">Campbell-Bannerman</span>,
+by voice and manner, succeeded in throwing into
+explanation an amount of conviction that communicated itself to
+House, and even quietened <span class="sc">Don't Keir Hardie</span>. The choice of the
+word "meeting" was perhaps most exquisite touch in answer.
+Without venturing upon assertion, it conveyed impression that
+responsibility for regrettable occurrence was fully shared by Mr.
+<span class="sc">Walker</span>. Meeting implies advance from either side. To accomplish
+the contact, Mr. <span class="sc">Walker's</span> head must have advanced in the direction
+of the sword, which at the moment happened to be going the other
+way, unfortunately with the sharp edge to the front. Hence,
+between the two, the abrasion of Mr. <span class="sc">Walker's</span> skull.</p>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page59" id="page59"></a>[pg 59]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/059-1500.png"><img src="images/059-600.png" width="600" height="436" alt="VIEW OF 'COMMITTEE STAGE OF THE HOME-RULE BILL.'" /></a>
+<h3>VIEW OF "COMMITTEE STAGE OF THE HOME-RULE BILL."&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+"CALL" FOR THE AUTHOR AND MANAGER.</h3></div>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page60" id="page60"></a>[pg 60]</span>
+<p><span class="sc">Campbell-Bannerman</span> did not add another word, but everyone
+who knows his kindness of heart will understand his unuttered wish
+that when in future <span class="sc">Walker</span> takes his walks abroad he will be
+more careful. At least, if his head insists upon meeting swords
+going the other way, he may be expected to note whether it is the
+sharp edge or the flat that is out for the day.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Financial Clause Home-Rule Bill in Committee.
+A long dull night, flashing forth at end in encounter between <span class="sc">Joseph</span>
+and his "right hon. friend." Mr. G. in tremendous force and
+vigour. In its way it was <span class="sc">Campbell-Bannerman's</span> story over again,
+<span class="sc">Joseph's</span> blameless head meeting the sharp edge of Mr. G.'s sword.
+Where difference came in was in circumstance that no one seemed
+to regard accident as regrettable. On contrary, whilst the Home-Rulers
+whooped in wild delight, the Opposition crowded the benches
+to watch the fun.</p>
+
+<p><i>Friday</i>, 1.20 <span class="sc">a.m.</span>&mdash;If there is in the world at this moment a
+thoroughly astonished man it is <span class="sc">John William Logan</span>, Member of
+Parliament for the South (Harborough) division of Leicestershire.
+Just now <span class="sc">Logan's</span> mind is disturbed and his collar ruffled by an
+incident in the passage of Home-Rule Bill; but he is capable of
+giving perfectly coherent account of events. At ten o'clock <span class="sc">Mellor</span>
+rose as usual to set in motion machinery of guillotine. Question at
+moment before Committee peremptorily put. <span class="sc">Logan</span>, unguardedly
+descending from serene atmosphere of side gallery, reached floor of
+House; was passing between table and Front Opposition Bench
+towards division lobby when he beheld vision of <span class="sc">Vicary Gibbs</span>
+skipping down gangway steps shouting and waving his arms.
+<span class="sc">Logan</span>, a man of philosophical temperament and inquiring mind,
+halted to watch course of events. Something apparently wrong in
+the City; things either gone up or gone down; <span class="sc">Vicary Gibbs</span>
+certainly come down; was now seated beside <span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span>, with
+hat fiercely pressed over brow, excitedly shouting at Chairman.
+As everybody else was shouting at same moment, Chairman wrung
+his hands, and spasmodically cried "Order! Order!" <span class="sc">Logan</span> had
+presence of mind to note that whilst <span class="sc">Vicary</span> in any pause in the
+storm cried aloud, "Mr. <span class="sc">Mellor</span>, I rise to order," he was sitting
+down all the time with his hat on.</p>
+
+<p>That was <span class="sc">Logan's</span> last collected idea before personal affairs
+entirely engrossed his attention. <span class="sc">Hayes Fisher</span>, in ordinary times
+mildest-mannered man that ever helped to govern Ireland, took
+note of <span class="sc">Logan</span> still standing in passage between Front Bench and
+table; effect upon him miraculous.</p>
+
+<p>"Yah, <span class="sc">Logan</span>!" he yelled; "get out. Bah! bah! go to the Bar."</p>
+
+<p>Contagion of fury touched <span class="sc">Carson</span>, who had hitherto been
+shouting at large. He now turned on <span class="sc">Logan</span>. "Gag! gag!" he
+yelled. "Gang of gaggers." Then, in heat of moment, he cried
+above the uproar, "Gag of gangers."</p>
+
+<p>This too much for <span class="sc">Logan</span>. Hitherto stood everything; now sat
+down in contiguity to <span class="sc">Carson</span>. Here is where the surprise came in.
+Front Opposition Bench not his usual place, but was nearest
+available seat. His standing up objected to; it was certainly
+against rules of law and order that prevail in the House of Commons.
+Very well then, he would sit down. This he did, taking vacant
+place by <span class="sc">Carson</span>. But, like the bo'sun and the sailor strung up for
+forty lashes, hit high or hit low he couldn't please them. The scene
+that followed has no parallel since similar disturbance took place
+in Dotheboys Hall when <i>Nicholas Nickleby</i> revolted and "took it
+out" of <i>Squeers</i>. <span class="sc">Hayes Fisher</span> leaning over clutched LOGAN by
+the back of the neck and thrust him forth. <span class="sc">Ashmead-Bartlett</span>,
+seeing opportunity of winning his knightly spurs, firmly fixed his
+eyeglass, and felt for <span class="sc">Logan</span> in the front.</p>
+
+<p>That the table and front Opposition Bench were not "steepled" in
+<span class="sc">Logan's</span> gore, as were the forms and benches at Dotheboy's Hall
+in that of <i>Fanny Squeers's</i> Pa, was due to diversion raised from
+another quarter. Irish members below Gangway, seeing the scrimmage,
+and noting <span class="sc">Carson</span> had something to do with it, moved down
+in body with wild "whirroo!" <span class="sc">Saunderson</span>, providentially in his
+place, sprang up and advanced to intercept the rolling flood. <span class="sc">Crean</span>
+being on crest of advancing wave found his face, by what
+<span class="sc">Campbell-Bannerman</span> would describe as a "regrettable accident."
+in contact with the Colonel's fist. Moreover, it was the knuckly
+end, scarcely less hurtful than the sharp edge of the sword which
+laid <span class="sc">Walker</span> (of London) low. <span class="sc">Crean</span> drew back, but only <i>pour
+mieux reculer</i>, as they say in Cork. Whilst the Colonel was standing
+in the attitude of pacific impartiality he later described to the
+<span class="sc">Speaker</span>, <span class="sc">Crean</span> dealt him an uncommonly nasty one on the chops;
+the thud distinctly heard amid the Babel of cries in the miniature
+Donnybrook below Gangway. Amid moving, struggling mass,
+<span class="sc">Saunderson's</span> white waistcoat flashed to and fro like flag of truce, to
+which, alas! there was no response. What became of <span class="sc">Logan</span> in this
+crisis not quite clear. Fancy I saw <span class="sc">Walrond</span> extricating him from the
+embraces of <span class="sc">Fanny-Squeers-Ashmead-Bartlett</span>. Mr. G. looked on
+with troubled face from Treasury Bench. <span class="sc">Bartley</span> standing up on
+edge of scrimmage, pointed accusatory forefinger at him, was saying
+something, probably opprobrious but at the moment inaudible.</p>
+
+<p>"So like <span class="sc">Bartley</span> to go to root of matter," said <span class="sc">George
+Russell</span>,
+who surveyed scene from sanctuary of Speaker's chair. "Others
+might accuse <span class="sc">Joseph</span> of being responsible for disturbance by
+likening his old colleague and chief to iniquitous King <span class="sc">Herod</span> at the
+epoch when the worms were waiting to make an end of him. <span class="sc">Vicary
+GIBBS</span> and good Conservatives generally are sure it was <span class="sc">Tay Pay's</span>
+retort of '<span class="sc">Judas! Judas!</span>' that dropped the fat into the fire. Only
+<span class="sc">Bartley</span> has cool judgment and presence of mind to point the
+moral of the moving scene. A striking figure in the inextricable
+<i>mêlée.</i> When his statue is added to that of great Parliamentarians
+in St. Stephen's Hall, the sculptor should seize this attitude."</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Home-Rule Bill through Committee; but first a
+real taste of Donnybrook.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/060-1500.png"><img src="images/060-600.png" width="600" height="321" alt="AFTER THE FALL OF THE CURTAIN." /></a>
+<h3>AFTER THE FALL OF THE CURTAIN.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+EXPLANATIONS.</h3></div>
+
+<p><i>Friday Night.</i>&mdash;House a little languid after excitement of last
+night. Attendance small; subject at morning sitting, Scotch Education;
+at night, Agriculture. Dr. <span class="sc">Hunter</span> thinks it would be nice
+to have Committee of Inquiry into origin and progress of last night's
+row. Nobody else takes that view; general impression is, we'd
+better forget it as soon as possible.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Trevelyan</span> explains Scotch Education Vote.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">The Angel (in the House)'s Advocate.</span>&mdash;Mr. <span class="sc">Woodall</span>.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<table align="center" summary="transcriber note" width="auto" style="margin-top: 3em; margin-bottom: 3em;">
+<tr>
+    <td class="note">
+
+<h4>Transcriber's Note:</h4>
+
+<p>Sundry damaged or missing punctuation has been repaired.</p>
+
+<p>The corrections listed below are also indicated in the text by a dashed line at the appropriate place:</p>
+<p>Move the mouse over the word, and the original text <ins title="T.N.: Original reads 'apprears'">appears</ins>.</p>
+
+<p>Page 49: 'gáteau' corrected to gâteau'.<br />
+The paper was much applauded, and <span class="sc">Gatto</span> <i>prends le gâteau</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Page 51: "it's" corrected to "its".<br />
+(... so that its impulse<br />
+Be humorous not malevolent;)</p>
+
+<p>Page 57: 'responsility' corrected to 'responsibility'<br />
+(Would you ever act upon your own responsibility?)</p>
+
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+105,  August  5th 1893, by Various
+
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+</body>
+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105,
+August  5th 1893, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105,  August  5th 1893
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Francis  Burnand
+
+Release Date: May 19, 2011 [EBook #36139]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOLUME 105, August 5th 1893
+
+_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_
+
+
+
+
+THE DIRECTOR'S VADE MECUM.
+
+_Question._ What is your duty as a Director?
+
+_Answer._ To give my name to a prospectus.
+
+_Q._ Is there any necessary formality before making this donation?
+
+_A._ Yes; I am to accept a certain number of qualifying shares in the
+company obtaining the advantage of my directorial services.
+
+_Q._ Need you pay for these shares?
+
+_A._ With proper manipulation, certainly not.
+
+_Q._ What other advantages would you secure by becoming a Director?
+
+_A._ A guinea an attendance.
+
+_Q._ Anything else?
+
+_A._ A glass of sherry and a sandwich.
+
+_Q._ What are your duties at a Board Meeting?
+
+_A._ To shake hands with the Secretary, and to sign an attendance
+book.
+
+_Q._ What are your nominal duties?
+
+_A._ Have not the faintest idea.
+
+_Q._ Would it be right to include in your nominal duties the
+protection of the interests of the shareholders?
+
+_A._ As likely as not.
+
+_Q._ Would it be overstating the case to say that thousands and
+thousands of needy persons are absolutely ruined by the selfish
+inattention of a company's direction?
+
+_A._ Not at all--possibly understating it.
+
+_Q._ I suppose you never read a prospectus to which you put your name?
+
+_A._ Never.
+
+_Q._ Nor willingly wish to ruin any one?
+
+_A._ No; why should I?
+
+_Q._ You are guilty of gross ignorance and brutal indifference?
+
+_A._ Quite so.
+
+_Q._ And consequently know that, according to the view of the Judges,
+you are above the law?
+
+_A._ That is so.
+
+_Q._ And may therefore do what you like, without any danger to your
+own interests?
+
+_A._ To be sure.
+
+_Q._ And consequently will do what you best please, in spite of
+anything, and anybody?
+
+_A._ Why, certainly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DIFFERENCE OF OPINION.
+
+_Stern Parent._ "NO WONDER YOU LOOK SO SEEDY AND FIT FOR NOTHING. I
+HEAR YOU CAME HOME SO VERY LATE LAST NIGHT!"
+
+_Youth (who is having his fling)._ "BEG YOUR PARDON, DAD, I DID
+NOTHING OF THE SORT. I CAME HOME VERY EARLY!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At a meeting of the International Maritime Congress "M. GATTO read
+a paper on Harbour Lights." Does this mean that one of the Adelphoi
+GATTI read the paper (extract from the play, or perhaps a play-bill)
+on _Harbour Lights_, which was an Adelphi success? Of course one of
+"the GATTI'S" would be in the singular "M. GATTO." The paper was much
+applauded, and GATTO _prends le gateau_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM SPIRIT LAND.--The Spirits or Spooks from the vasty deep that can
+be called and will come when Stead-ily and persistently summoned will
+not be the first to speak. The "Spooks" well-bred rule of politeness
+is, "Don't spook till you're spooken to." Also, "A good Spook must be
+seen and not heard."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUSIC FOR THE MULTITUDE;
+
+OR, BELMONT ON THE EMBANKMENT.
+
+_A Morality (adapted from the "Merchant of Venice") for Men in
+Municipal Authority._
+
+    ["The music on the Embankment during the pressman's
+    dinner-hour is a much more important matter than it seems to
+    be. It would be a most beneficial institution for all indoor
+    labourers; for it is not the long hours of labour--though
+    they are bad enough--so much as its monotony that makes it so
+    wearisome."--_Mr. James Payn in "Our Note Book."_]
+
+  _Lorenzo_  A Journeyman Printer.
+  _Jessica_  His "Young Woman."
+
+SCENE--_The Thames Embankment Garden._
+
+  _Lorenzo._ Sweetheart, let's in; they may expect our coming.
+  And yet no matter:--why should we go in?
+  The Toffs at last, have had compassion on us,
+  Within the house, or office, mewed too long,
+  And bring our music forth into the air.
+
+    [_They take a seat._
+
+  How bright the sunshine gleams on this Embankment!
+  Here will we sit, and let the sounds of music
+  Creep in our ears: soft green and Summer sunlight
+  Become the touches of sweet harmony.
+  Sit, JESSICA: look, how this green town-garden
+  Is thickly crowded with the young and old:
+  There's not the smallest child which thou behold'st
+  But by his movements shows his young heart sings,
+  As though poor kids were young eye'd cherubim:
+  Such love of music lives in simple souls;
+  But whilst grim pedants and fanatics sour
+  Have power to stop, they will not let us hear it!
+
+    [_Musicians tune up._
+
+  Hullo! The _Intermezzo_. Like a hymn
+  With sweeter touches charming to the ear,
+  The soul's drawn home by music.
+
+    [_Music._
+
+  _Jessica._ I'm always soothed like when I hear nice music.
+
+  _Lorenzo._ The reason is your spirits are responsive.
+  For do but note a wild and wanton mob
+  Of rough young rascals, like unbroken colts,
+  Fetching mad bounds, bellowing and blaring loud,
+  Which shows the hot condition of their blood;
+  If they, perchance, but hear a brass-band sound,
+  Or harp and fiddle duet touch their ears,
+  Or even _Punch's_ pan-pipe, or shrill "squeaker,"
+  You shall perceive them make a mutual stand,
+  Their wandering eyes turned to an earnest gaze,
+  By the sweet power of music: therefore poets
+  Tell us old Orpheus drew trees, stones, and floods,
+  Since naught so blockish, hard, insensible,
+  But music for the time doth change his nature.
+  The man who would keep music to himself,
+  Grudging the mob all concord of sweet sounds,
+  Is fit for Bedlam, not the County Council!
+  The motions of his spirit are dull as night,
+  And his affections cold as Arctic bergs.
+  Let no such man be trusted!--Mark the music!
+
+    (_Left marking it attentively._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Northern Light.
+
+(Dr. JOHN RAE, _the venerable and valiant Arctic Explorer, is dead_.)
+
+  The Arctic Circle and far Hudson's Bay
+  Bear witness to the glories of JOHN RAE.
+  The darkened world, with deep regret, will own
+  Another RAE of Light and Leading gone!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mrs. R. thinks she will not go abroad for a holiday tour. "You see, my
+dear," she says, "I don't mind owning that I am not well up in French
+and German, and I should not like to have always to be travelling
+about with an Interrupter."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE."
+
+DESIGN FOR A STAINED-GLASS WINDOW FOR WESTMINSTER, BY W. E. G.]
+
+    ["Would his right hon. friend excuse his suggesting an
+    analogy of the character which he bore with that which was
+    systematically assumed, he believed, under ancient rules, in
+    the Court of Rome ... when it was proposed, in consequence
+    of the peculiar excellence of some happy human being who
+    had departed this life, to raise him ... to the order of the
+    saints ... there was always brought into the Court a gentleman
+    who went ... under the name of devil's advocate. His peculiar
+    function was to go through the career of the proposed saint,
+    to seize upon and magnify every human failing or error, to
+    misconstrue everything that was capable of misconstruction....
+    That was the case of his right hon. friend."--_Mr. Gladstone
+    on Mr. Chamberlain._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A TRIAL OF FAITH.
+
+_Bertie (at intervals)._ "I USED TO----WHAT THE----DO A LOT
+OF----CONF----ROWING, ONE TIME!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE."
+
+_Old Parliamentary Pictor soliloquiseth_:--
+
+  "_As when a painter, poring on a face,
+  Divinely thro' all hindrance finds the man
+  Behind it, and so paints him that his face,
+  The shape and colour of a mind and life,
+  Lives for his children, ever at its best
+  And fullest._"
+
+              Aye, my ALFRED, there you hit
+  The portrait-painter's function to a hair;
+  And here I hit the essential inner JOE.
+  And so he'll live. But "ever at his best,
+  And fullest?" Humph! His Brummagem retinue
+  Will scarce acknowledge _that_. Some call him "JUDAS,"
+  But that is rude, and leads to shameful rows.
+  Chaff is one thing and insolence another;
+  E'en caricature may pass, so that its impulse
+  Be humorous not malevolent; but coarse spleen,
+  Taking crude shape in truthless graphic slander,
+  Is boyish work,--bad manners and bad art!
+  And so TAY PAY transgressed the bounds of taste,
+  And led to shameful shindy. HEROD? Humph!
+  _That_ flout "lacked finish," as great DIZZY said,
+  _He_ pricked, not stabbed, was fencer, not brute-bruiser,
+  But he of Brummagem hath much to learn
+  In gentlemanly sword-play.
+                  "Devil's Advocate!"
+  That hits him off, I think! _Not_ Devil,--no!
+  (Though angry blunderheads will twist it that way)
+  But ruthless slater of the pseudo-saint!
+  The pseudo-saint, I own, looks limp and floppy,
+  Half-fledged and awkward at the cherub _role_.
+  Poor saint! He's had much mauling, must have more,
+  Ere he assumes the nimbus, and I would
+  That he looked less lop-sided. Yes, my JOE!
+  You'll spot some "human failings" I've no doubt.
+  To exercise your "double million magnifyin'
+  Gas microscopes of hextra power" upon.
+  Your "wision" is not "limited" by "deal doors"
+  Or "flights o' stairs," or friends, or facts, or fairness,
+  You hardly need suggestions diabolic
+  From that hook-nosed attorney at your elbow
+  To urge you to the attack; erect, alert,
+  Orchid-adorned, and eye-glass-armed, you stand
+  The sharpest, shrewdest, most acidulous,
+  Dapper and dauntless "Devil's Advocate"
+  That ever blackened a poor "saint" all over
+  Othello-wise, or robbed a postulant
+  For canonisation of a hopeful chance
+  Of full apotheosis, and the right
+  Of putting on the nimbus.
+                    There, 'tis finished:
+  And--on the whole--'twere well I had not limned it!
+  'Twas tempting, yes, and pleasant in the painting,
+  But--well, I've paid for it, and much misdoubt
+  If it was worth the price. Followers applaud,
+  I--suffer. Oh, that mob of scuffling men,
+  Clawing and cursing, while the gallery hissed!
+  _Hissed_--not a pothouse outpour in full fight,
+  Not clamorous larrikins, or rowdy roughs
+  By prize-ring or on race-course fired with drink,
+  But England's Commons settling--with their fists
+  A Constitutional Contest! Shame, O shame!
+  And much I fear my Art must _somewhat_ share the blame!
+
+    [_Left lamenting._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.
+
+    "Mrs. Tanqueray has left town."
+
+  They talk of ALEXANDER
+    And Mrs. _Tanque-ray_,
+  Now who would raise my dander
+    Will just abuse that play.
+        For few there are
+        That can compare--
+  Well,--if so, give their names,--
+    With _Mrs. Tanque-ray_
+    Who has just gone away
+  From the Theatre of St. James.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mrs. R. says that of all SHAKSPEARE'S plays produced at the Lyceum,
+she liked _Henry the Eighth_ the best, because of the character of
+_Cardinal Bullseye_, which Mr. IRVING played so sweetly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STATUES OF THE TWO NEW PARLIAMENTARY GIANTS TO BE ERECTED AS GUARDING
+THE HOUSE OF COMMONS.--Gag and Maygag.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THEATRICAL PEDESTRIAN MATCH.--Match between two "Walking Gentlemen."
+Date not yet fixed. Stake-holder "Walker, London."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A VISIT TO BORDERLAND.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  I called on Mr. STEAD last week, at least I seemed to call,
+  For in this "visionary" world one can't be sure at all;
+  And when I reached the great man's house he shook me by the hand,
+  And talked, as only STEAD can talk, of Spooks and _Borderland_,
+  I own that I was tired of men who live upon the earth,
+  They hadn't recognised, I felt, my full and proper worth;
+  "They'll judge me much more fairly," I reflected, "when they're
+          dead,--
+  So I'll go and seek an interview with WILLIAM THOMAS STEAD."
+
+  The reason why I went to STEAD is this: the great and good
+  Has lately found that English ghosts are much misunderstood;
+  Substantial man may swagger free, but, spite of all his boasts,
+  STEAD holds there is a future, and a splendid one, for ghosts.
+  And so he has an office, a sort of ghostly COOK'S,
+  Where tours may be contracted for to Borderland and Spooks;
+  And those who yearn to mix with ghosts have only got to go
+  And talk, as I conversed, with STEAD for half an hour or so.
+
+  The ghosts have got a paper too, the _Borderland_ I spoke of,
+  Where raps and taps are registered that scoffers make a joke of:
+  A medium's magazine it is, a ghostly gazetteer
+  Produced by WILLIAM THOMAS STEAD, the Julianic seer.
+  And everything that dead men do to help the men who live,
+  The chains they clank, the sighs they heave, the warnings that
+          they give,
+  The coffin-lids they lift at night when folk are tucked in bed,
+  Are all set down in black and white by WILLIAM THOMAS STEAD.
+
+  While wide-awake he sees such shapes as others merely dream on;
+  For instance there is JULIA, a sort of female daemon;
+  Like some tame hawk she stoops to him, she perches on his wrist--
+  In life she was a promising, a lady journalist;
+  And now that death has cut her off she leaves the ghostly strand
+  And turns her weekly copy out by guiding WILLIAM'S hand.
+  Yet, oh, it makes me writhe like one who sits him down on tin tacks
+  To note that happy ghost's contempt for grammar and for syntax.
+
+  Well, well, I called on STEAD, you know; a doctor's talk of diet is,
+  And STEAD'S was of his psychic food as cure for my anxieties.
+  I thought I'd take a chair to sit (it looked to me quite common) on,
+  "You can't sit there," observed the Sage; "that's merely a
+          phenomenon."
+  Two ladies, as I entered, seemed expressing of their gratitudes
+  For help received to Mr. STEAD in sentimental attitudes;
+  They saw me, pirouetted twice, then vanished with a high kick.
+  "It's nothing," said the Editor; "they are not real, but psychic."
+
+  These things, I own, surprised me much; I fidgetted uneasily;
+  "Why, bless the man, he's had a shock!" said Mr. STEAD, quite
+          breezily.
+  "_We_ do these things the whole year round, it's merely knack to
+          do them;
+  A man who does them every day gets quite accustomed to them.
+  This room of mine is full of ghosts,"--it sounded most funereal--
+  "I've only got to say the word to make them all material.
+  I'll say it promptly, if you wish; they cannot well refuse me."
+  But my eagerness had vanished, and I begged him to excuse me.
+
+  "Now JULIA," he continued, "is in many ways a rum one,
+  But, whatever else they say of her, they can't say she's a dumb one.
+  She speaks--she's speaking now," he said. "I wonder what she'll
+          tell us.
+  What's that? She says she likes your looks; she wants to make me
+          jealous."
+  That gave me pause, and made me think 'twas fully time I went; it is
+  A fearful thing to fascinate these bodiless non-entities.
+  Of course when people go to Rome they act like folk at Rome, you
+          know,
+  But flirting didn't suit my book--I've got a wife at home, you know.
+
+  Well, next I felt a gust of wind, "That's Colonel BONES," my host
+          said;
+  "He's dropped his helmet" (think of that, a helmet on a ghost's
+          head).
+  "I don't much care," he whispered this, "in fact, I can't endure
+          him;
+  Dragoons do use such awful words; I've tried in vain to cure him."
+  I ventured to suggest to STEAD that rather than be bluffed I
+  Would make this cursing soldier-ghost turn out in psychic mufti;
+  He couldn't drop his helmet then, nor threaten with his sabre.
+  "I've tried to," said the Editor, "it's only wasted labour.
+
+  "I've sought advice," continued STEAD, "from CANTUAR and EBOR,
+  They hinted that they couldn't stand a she-ghost and a he-bore.
+  I tried to get a word or two from men of arts and letters,
+  They said they drew the line at Spooks who made a noise with
+          fetters.
+  And when I talked of bringing men and ghostly shapes together
+  The Bishops tapped their foreheads and conversed about the weather.
+  In fact"--he grew quite petulant--"in all this world's immensity
+  I'd back the Bench of Bishops to beat the rest in density."
+
+  And so he talked, till suddenly--(perhaps he's talking still;
+  In talking of his own affairs, he has a wondrous skill)--
+  There came a noise, as if Old BONES had let off all his blanks at
+          once,
+  As if a thousand theorists were turning all their cranks at once;
+  It seemed to lift me off my legs, and seize me by the hair,
+  And sweep me mute but terrified through all the spook-filled air.
+  And, when I got my senses back, I vowed no more to tread
+  The paths that lead to Borderland, nor ask advice of STEAD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+_Pietro Ghisleri_ is another success for that charming writer MARION
+CRAWFORD. The style is everything. The story is not of so thrilling a
+nature as to be absorbing, but it is sufficiently interesting--for the
+Baron, at least, with whom M.C.--"Master of his Craft"--is a great
+favourite. "Odd, though," murmurs the Baron to himself, and he seldom
+murmurs about anything; "odd that a writer like our MARION should,
+in Vol. II., p. 35, pen such a sentence as this: "There are plenty
+of others whom you may care for more than I." Of course the author
+intends _Maddalena del' Armi_, who utters these words, to convey to
+her listener and to the reader that "There are plenty of others for
+whom you may care more than (you care) for me." How does "than I" get
+into this sentence, unless it is to mean "There are plenty of others
+for whom you may care more than I care for them"--_quod est absurdum_."
+It is unfortunate that the pivot on which the plot turns is so highly
+improbable as to be almost impossible, for is it not most unlikely
+that any Catholic, educated or uneducated, should ever _write_ her
+confession to her confessor, and send it by post, instead of going to
+him, and making it by word of mouth? She must have known that, in
+so doing, she was making no confession at all, _i.e._, in the
+restrictedly religious sense of the word. While she was about it, she
+might as well have inclosed a stamped and addressed envelope for the
+absolution to be sent by return. This is the hinge of the story; and
+it is a very weak one. Mr. CRAWFORD recognises this when his
+other characters casually discuss the probability of _Adele's_
+having done such a thing. However, grant this, which is almost as
+easily done as granting superhuman strength to a Ouidaesque hero,
+and the book--in three of MACMILLAN'S blue volumes--is fascinating.
+Such is the candid opinion of THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE SPIRIT LEVEL.
+
+_Relentless Youth._ "'ULLO 'ERE, GUV'NOR, WHAT 'YER UP TO NAOW? TYKIN'
+A HORDNANCE SURWEY O' THE DISTRICT, I SUPPOSE!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO A PARISIENNE.
+
+  ["Paris est le centre du bon gout."--_Les Precieuses Ridiculis,
+          Scene X._]
+
+  By Jove, what festive tints you wear, _chere_ Madame!
+  These _fin-de-siecle_ furbelows of la dame
+  Would scare the very simply dressed _Pere_ ADAM.
+                  On you they're charming;
+  But when the fashion spreads to distant quarters,
+  And far across the Channel's choppy waters
+  They glow on England's humble, tasteless daughters,
+                  They'll be alarming.
+  Bright blue, gay green, loud lilac, yelling yellow--
+  Yelling for _criard_, pray forgive a fellow
+  For using words that time has not turned mellow--
+                  Must not be worse made
+  Than in your costumes, gracefully assorted.
+  Think what these tints will be, transposed, distorted,
+  By English laundress, flower-girl, and sported
+                  By cook or nursemaid!
+  Our eyes! Oh, save them then with shades or goggles!
+  For reason totters on its throne, which joggles.
+  In choosing tints the Englishwoman boggles;
+                 "_Chacun a son gout._"
+  You're always _comme il faut_ from boots to bonnet.
+  For Paris, praised in song, and ode, and sonnet,
+  Is still, as when _les Precieuses_ doated on it,
+                 "_Le centre du bon gout._"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"MERRY MARGIT!"--"I was at Margate last July," sang THOMAS BARHAM,
+when telling of the _Little Vulgar Boy_, and so were we, this
+July, for the purpose of passing a few happy hours at the renovated
+Cliftonville Hotel under the government of Mr. HOLLAND, vice-regent
+for Messrs. GORDON & CO. No need now to quit the shores of England
+for Antwerp, Rotterdam, or any other of the Rotterdamerung Cycle, as
+visitors to Margate will, on our own shore, find HOLLAND. In the
+menu Sauce Hollandaise is avoided, and Politesse Hollandaise is
+substituted, to the satisfaction of everybody.
+
+  "Voila ce que l'on dit de moi
+  Dans la Gazette de Hollande!"
+
+Which couplet the Manageress might sing, as they are words from _The
+Grand Dutchess_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MAN MAKES THE TAILOR.
+
+(_Fragment from a Seasonable Romance._)
+
+It was towards the close of the London season of 1893 that a man in a
+strange garb was seen at an early hour in the East End of London. He
+attracted considerable attention. It was a rough part of the City,
+still, those who lived there were conventional in their costume. They
+wore black coats, and there was a certain respectability about their
+hats. But the man to whom we refer was eccentric in the extreme. His
+straw hat was worn at the back of his head, his cut-away coat was
+thrown open, showing a huge, collarless coloured cotton shirt. He had
+flannel trousers tucked into digger's boots. No one knew whence he
+came, whither he was going.
+
+"Have you noticed him?" asked the Inspector.
+
+"Yes, Sir," replied the Police Constable, "he's got white hands, so if
+he belongs to the dangerous classes, he is a smasher, or a forger, or
+something genteel in that line."
+
+"Well, keep your eye upon him."
+
+"I will, Sir."
+
+And the strange-looking person continued his way. As he walked through
+the City, the merchants regarded him with surprise, but there
+were those amongst the stockbrokers who seemed to receive him with
+recognition.
+
+"I fancy I have seen the Johnnie somewhere before," observed one
+Member of the House to another. "I am almost sure I know the cut of
+his suit."
+
+And the man walked on until he reached Knightsbridge. There he was
+stopped by an elderly, well-dressed, well-to-do individual, who had
+evidently just come up from the country. The two pedestrians started
+back when they met face to face.
+
+"What are you doing in that hideous disguise?" asked the senior of the
+junior.
+
+"It is no disguise, father," was the reply; "it is only the customary
+get up of a young man of fashion between the hours of nine and eleven
+when he proposes to walk in the park."
+
+And, with these words, the strange apparition crossed over the road,
+and entered Rotten Row. And here he was soon lost in a crowd quite as
+eccentrically garbed as himself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WAY THEY HAVE IN THE CITY.
+
+SCENE--_Board-room of a Public Company._ TIME--_A few minutes after
+the close of a General Meeting._ PRESENT--_Chairman of Directors and
+Secretary._
+
+_Chairman._ Well, I think I got in all that was wanted?
+
+_Secretary._ Could not have been better, Sir. You had the figures at
+your fingers' ends.
+
+_Chair. (laughing)._ You mean on a sheet of paper in front of me.
+
+_Sec._ And everyone was satisfied, Sir.
+
+_Chair._ As they should have been, considering my flaming account of
+the prosperity of the undertaking. By the way, _is_ it flourishing?
+
+_Sec._ Well, Sir, that is scarcely in my department. You must ask the
+auditors.
+
+_Chair._ Oh, never mind; it is a matter of no importance.
+
+_Sec._ I daresay if you wanted any information, Sir, I could get it
+for you.
+
+_Chair._ No, thanks, I don't want to increase my work. I am sure I do
+quite enough for my wretched two or three hundred a year--don't you
+think so?
+
+_Sec._ Certainly, Sir. You do a great deal more than some Chairmen.
+
+_Chair._ Yes, I suppose I do. Come here once a year, and preside over
+an Annual Meeting, and draw my fees. What more _can_ I do?
+
+_Sec._ I'm sure I don't know, Sir. A knowledge of the duties of a
+Chairman of Directors comes scarcely within the scope of my required
+services.
+
+_Chair._ Quite so; and now I will say Good-bye!
+
+_Sec._ See you again next year, Sir?
+
+_Chair._ Certainly. If I don't sell out in the meantime. And now
+I must be off. I am due at another meeting, and have to get up the
+necessary figures in five minutes. Do you think I shall do it in the
+time?
+
+_Sec._ Certainly, Sir. You managed the task in less here.
+
+[_Scene closes in upon the valuable pair--and the security of the
+Public._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"FRIENDLY RIFLERY."--"MELLISH has followed his miss with an inner and
+two bullseyes." Very kind of MELLISH. We hope "his Miss" accepted the
+two bullseyes. "BOYD and GIBBS got magpies." Whatever sort of pies
+these may be, it is evident that, with "pies" and "bullseyes," our
+riflemen are fond of sweets.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MAGNA EST VERITAS.
+
+"MY DAUGHTER WILL NEVER GET ANOTHER PLACE WITH THE CHARACTER YOU'VE
+BEEN GIVING HER, MY LADY!"
+
+"I'VE ONLY TOLD THE _TRUTH_ ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER, AND NOTHING _BUT_ THE
+TRUTH!"
+
+"HOW WOULD YOU LIKE THE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH, TOLD ABOUT
+_YOU_, MY LADY?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FRENCH WOLF AND THE SIAMESE LAMB.
+
+_An Old Fable with a New Setting._
+
+  A little lamb lived by a flowing stream.
+    A great temptation, when the heat was torrid,
+  To thirsty souls that water's limpid gleam.
+    At least so thought a Wolf, of aspect horrid,
+  Who, having for some time abstained and fasted,
+  Desired to learn how lamb--and water--tasted.
+  He felt with pinching want his paunch was pining,
+  Early he'd lunched, so longed the more for dining.
+    A Cochin China rooster, lank and thin,
+    Or something indigestible from Tonquin,
+  For a big, sharp-set Wolf, are snacks, not meals;
+  So down the sparkling river Lupus steals,
+    Quite uninvited, but intent on forage,
+    Fronting the fleecy flocks with wondrous courage;
+  For whether in the Southdowns, or Siam,
+  By the near Medway, or the far Menam,
+  Your Wolf is most courageous--with your Lamb!
+  With joy the Lamb he spied, then, growling, said,
+    "Sirrah! how dare you thus disturb my drink?"
+  The Lamb, in answer, meekly bowed its head--
+    "_I_ trouble not the water, Sir, I think,
+  Particularly as I'm sure you'll see
+  It flows--observe the drift--from you to me!
+  You're welcome in the stream to slake your thirst,
+  But, may I just observe, _I was here first!_"
+  "Oh! you chop logic!" cried the angry brute.
+    "I can chop, too:--you've done me other wrong.
+  Young Mutton, best with _me_ not to dispute!
+    You've given me already too much tongue.
+  Are _you_ the home-born boss of all Siam,
+  Of fleet Mekong, and many-creek'd Menam?"
+  Mildly young woolly-face replied, "I _am_!"
+    His optics orientally oblique,
+    Rolling in manner sheepish, soft, and meek.
+  "Oh, _are_ you?" snarled the Wolf. "_We_'ll see about it!
+    'Twixt Western Wolf and Oriental Lamb
+    Equality is a preposterous flam:
+  Do you--as Tonquin did--presume to doubt it?
+    Fraternity? Well, I'm your elder brother;
+    And Liberty--to you--means nought but bother.
+  See, silly-face?" "Well, no," the Lamb replied,
+  "Such reciprocity seems all one side.
+  Not six o' one and half a dozen o' 'tother!"
+  "Pooh!" snapped the Wolf.  "Logic's clear _terra firma_
+    Is not for Lambkin, but for Wolf or Lion.
+    If you such little games with me should try on,
+  I'd treat you--well, as Bull did little Burmah.
+  I have imperative claims; I'm going to state 'em
+  With lupine brevity in an ultimatum.
+    That--after some two days--must stand as Law;
+    If after that you give me any jaw,
+    My little Mutton--well, beware my maw!"
+
+        MORAL.
+
+  This truth my simple Fable doth attest,
+  He who has strongest jaw argues the best!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT DALY'S.--The Comedy _Love in Tandem_ ought to have been in three
+shorter Acts. Mr. LEWIS excellent, so is Mrs. GILBERT, who has not
+more than ten words to say, but a lot to act. Spanish widow also good.
+Mr. BOURCHIER is a marvellous example of the "Walking Gentleman,"
+being perpetually on the move. It is gratifying to see him sit down
+for even a few seconds. Like the engineer of the penny steamboat in
+the burlesque of _Kenilworth_, he "has very much to larn"; but this
+fact need not discourage him, any more than it did Mr. HENRY IRVING,
+according to Mr. PERCY FITZGERALD'S recently published book of
+Irvingite Recollections, at the commencement of his career. Miss REHAN
+is, _par excellence_, the life and soul of the piece; and when there
+has been, in her absence, a dull moment or two, she re-enters and
+Rehanimates the whole.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Swimming has been much neglected in the British Navy," observed Mr.
+PHILOOLY. "When there's a Parliament in Dublin we'll pass a law that
+not a sailor shall leave _terra firma_ till he can swim."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FRENCH WOLF AND THE SIAMESE LAMB.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SCHOPENHAUER BALLADS.
+
+No. I.-THE AQUARIUM OCTOPUS.
+
+  The world is full of pretty things
+    That everyone admires,
+  And beauty, even though skin-deep,
+    Is what the world desires.
+  I'm handicapped I feel in life,
+    For very obvious reasons,
+  And yet my family always think
+    I'm lovely in all seasons!
+
+  My time is principally passed
+    In caverns under water,
+  My family are mostly sharks,
+    Except a mermaid daughter;
+  She sings her songs and combs her hair
+    To tempt unwary whalers,
+  And when we lure them down below
+    It's bad for those poor sailors.
+
+  I cannot say I like the sea,
+    The bottom, top, or middle.
+  It's always asking, night and day,
+    The same confounded riddle:
+  "Why was I made, except to drown
+    The surplus population?"
+  This is the sad sea wave's remark
+    At every sea-side station.
+
+  It makes me think about myself--
+    Octopus too unsightly--
+  Which are my arms and which my legs
+    I never can tell rightly;
+  I frighten children--old and young--
+    Without the least intention,
+  I saved a school from drowning once,
+    But that I mustn't mention!
+
+  I'm now at the Aquarium,
+    A "side-show" much belauded,
+  My antics, shown three times a day,
+    Are very much applauded;
+  The pay is not extremely large--
+    A weekly bare subsistence;
+  I take it meekly, for it breaks
+    The boredom of existence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BALLADE OF EARLSCOURT.
+
+  I've really been extremely gay--
+    I've done most things (I mean, in reason)--
+  And, though "it is not always _May_,"
+    It has been, during my first season.
+  At balls and parties I've had fun;
+    I've listened to Home-Rule disputes;
+  There's only one thing I've not done--
+    Alas! I've not been down "the Chutes"!
+
+  With screams and laughter from the height
+    I saw men splash their nice new suits;
+  It seemed to cause them great delight;
+    But still--I have not shot the Chutes.
+
+  I've been to all the good first nights,
+    I've cried at DUSE, laughed at PENLEY,
+  I have seen all the London sights,
+    I've been to Sandown, Lord's, and Henley.
+  At IBSEN I've serenely smiled,
+    While suff'ring torture from new boots;
+  GLADSTONE I've met, and OSCAR WILDE--
+    But ah! I've not been down the Chutes!
+
+        _Envoi._
+
+  Prince, one regret I feel on leaving
+    For country air, and flowers, and fruits--
+  I quit gay London only grieving
+    To think I have not shot the Chutes!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A deuce of a mess between France and Siam," observed a Bow-window
+Politician of Clubland. "A deuce of a mess?" repeated the other
+Bow-window man. "You mean, as far as France is concerned, it's the
+very DEVELLE!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHY ELINOR IS EVER YOUNG.
+
+(_By a Fiance a la Mode._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+    ["... The women they might have married--the girls whom they
+    danced with when they were youths--have grown too old for our
+    middle-aged suitors."--_Standard._]
+
+  I'm just engaged: I'm forty-five--
+    Our modern prime for wedded blisses.
+  The age _par excellence_ to wive
+    With blooming _fin-de-siecle_ Misses;
+  I'm very happy; so's my Love;
+    I don't regret that long I've tarried;--
+  And yet I can't help thinking of
+    The damozels I might have married.
+
+  Yes; there was JANET, slim and pert;
+    I took her in last night to dinner,
+  And cannot honestly assert
+    That years conspire to make her thinner;
+  Yet once we cooed o'er tea and buns;
+    She quite forgets how on we carried,
+  Nor owns, with undergraduate sons,
+    That _she_ was one I might have married.
+
+  And LILIAN, emanation soft,
+    Fair widow of the latter Sixties,
+  Ideal of the faith that oft
+    With earliest homage intermixt is;
+  I used to dream her, oh! so young;
+    She's wrinkled now and bent and arid;
+  It almost desecrates my tongue,
+    But _she_ was one I might have married.
+
+  A truce to recollection sore;
+    I'm still considered smart and youthful;
+  And trusting, darling ELINOR
+    Assures me so with passion truthful;
+  In my fond eyes she'll wither ne'er,
+    Because--the fact can scarce be parried--
+  I shan't survive to see her share
+    The fate of those I might have married!
+
+        Mixed.
+
+  I'm Charge d'Affaires--"Siam?" _Oui._
+  Pour England je don't care one "d."
+        Je prig le Mekong,
+        Si je keep it not long--
+  They call me "Brigand!"--_Je le suis._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MIND YOUR PEASE AND Q.'S.--_Q._ "Why did Sir DONALD CURRIE pair with
+Sir JOSEPH PEASE?"--No; we are not going to say anything about "PEASE
+and CURRIE" going together--we scorn getting a rice out of you that
+way--besides, this dish has been overdone. But the simple answer is,
+that as Sir DONALD couldn't get any other pair this one was a "_Pease
+aller_." [We're better now. "Pax!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RULE OF THE SEA.
+
+(_For the Use of Admirers of the Admiralty._)
+
+_Question._ What is your duty as a sailor in Her Majesty's Fleet?
+
+_Answer._ To carry out the orders of my superiors.
+
+_Q._ If you were told that black was white what would you say?
+
+_A._ That white was black.
+
+_Q._ If you were informed that two and two made five would you believe
+it?
+
+_A._ Certainly, and insist that those who thought four was the proper
+answer had been gravely misinformed.
+
+_Q._ Would you believe a captain to be always in the right?
+
+_A._ Yes, from a lieutenant's point of view. Although, of course, I
+should consider him the weakest of authorities in the presence of an
+admiral.
+
+_Q._ Would you ever act upon your own responsibility?
+
+_A._ Never; as such a course would be destructive to good discipline.
+
+_Q._ Then, if you were told to perform an impossible man[oe]uvre you
+would attempt to do it?
+
+_A._ Certainly.
+
+_Q._ Even if you saw that the result must be disaster?
+
+_A._ Yes. I should choose the lesser of two evils.
+
+_Q._ To what two evils do you refer?
+
+_A._ Loss of life by my obedience, and loss of discipline by my
+disobedience.
+
+_Q._ Which would be the smaller of the two disasters?
+
+_A._ The loss of life.
+
+_Q._ But did not NELSON solve a problem of a somewhat similar
+character by using his blind eye?
+
+_A._ Yes; but then NELSON was unique.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN AUSTRALIAN A B C.
+
+  A is Australia, the land of their birth.
+  B for BRUCE, BANNERMAN, batsmen of worth.
+  C is young CONINGHAM, more than a learner.
+  D is the Demon, once SPOFFORTH, now TURNER.
+  E the Excitement to see them all play,
+  F is the Four on the ground all the way.
+  G is for GRAHAM, the GIFFENS, and GREGORY,
+  H is a Hit that's maybe in the leg or eye.
+  I is the Interest that's caused in the cricket,
+  J is for JARVIS, who sometimes keeps wicket.
+  K is the Kangaroo, bold and defiant,
+  L is JACK LYONS, who hits like a giant.
+  M is MCLEOD, and was MURDOCH of yore,
+  N are the Nets, where they practice before.
+  O their Opponents, delighted to meet them,
+  P for the People, so ready to greet them.
+  Q is the Question, "How's that"--Out or Not?
+  R is that terror of batsmen--a Rot.
+  S their success, making Englishmen humble,
+  T is for TROTT, and stands also for TRUMBLE.
+  U is the Umpire, to whom they all shout,
+  V is the Voice, in which he cries "Out!"
+  W the Wickets, our land does not lack 'em,
+  X is their Xcellent keeper--friend BLACKHAM.
+  Y is the Yorker, that's fatal to some,
+  And Z shows the ending has really come.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Great Ferris Wheel at Chicago Exhibition can "complete a
+revolution in seven minutes." Valuable this in Paris. No military
+required.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration
+
+FRIENDS IN COUNCIL.
+
+SCENE--_Editor's Sanctum, "The Halfpenny Slater."_
+
+_Critic._ "WHAT A PITY SHAKSPEARE'S DEAD! IT WOULD BE SUCH A SCORE TO
+PITCH INTO HIM AS AN OVER-RATED OLD IDIOT! IT'S NEVER BEEN DONE YET
+THAT I KNOW OF!"
+
+_Editor._ "AH! CAPITAL IDEA! I DON'T SEE THAT HIS BEING DEAD MAKES ANY
+ODDS!"
+
+_Critic._ "OH YES--FOR THE READER! DEAD 'UNS DON'T FEEL, YOU KNOW,
+AND THERE'S NOBODY BIG ENOUGH LIVING NOW TO BE WORTH POWDER AND SHOT,
+CONFOUND IT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM OUR ISLAND SPECIAL.
+
+"I come to Cowes," quoth the German Emperor right merrily, "as the
+greatest compliment I can pay to JOHN BULL. But where are the Royal
+carriages and Royal personages to receive me?" Admiral COMMERELL
+steered himself along the main roads, and played the part of the
+look-out man to perfection. "Nothing in the offing," he reported to
+the Emperor. "I hope," returned His Imperial Majesty, with a smile,
+"that this sort of thing doesn't offing happen." Everybody in
+convulsions of laughter, which just filled up the time till the
+appearance on the scene of the Duke of CONNAUGHT on the top of the
+cabin, in the full uniform of a General of the Horse Marines. "You're
+too punctual by half a minute," called out the Duke to the Admiral.
+Then the Admiral piped his eye, and the Royalties lighted cigarettes.
+"Here are the carriages! step in!" quoth the Duke. "Aha!" cried the
+Emperor gaily, in his perfect English. "Here is the carriage and the
+'oss, so now we shall be borne by the 'oss to _Os-borne_!" Every one
+in convulsions, and amid roars of laughter the Duke and the Emperor
+drove off.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CURIOUS CRICKET ANOMALY.
+
+  When a batsman has piled up a hundred, or more,
+  Though five twenties he's hit, he has made but "a score."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JUST SUE!
+
+  When a smart cove "sues" a sweet girl, for her hand,
+    Then sueing is soft and as sweet as a peach.
+  But e'en sueing comes bitter, you'll all understand,
+    When he bolts, and _she_ sues _him_--"for Breach!"
+  A true suitor may suit her, but, faithless, the brute
+  Deserves what he'll get, a complete change of suit!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Lords, Monday, July 24._--Haven't heard much of House of
+Lords this Session. Will take the floor presently, and show Commons
+how Legislation should be conducted. For weeks and months they've been
+slaving round Home-Rule Bill. Noble Lords, with fuller experience, and
+heaven-born aptitude, undertake to polish it off in a week. Meanwhile
+have had less work than usual to do. Might even have made long Summer
+holiday. Patriotically insisted upon meeting four times a week, to
+show, to whom it may concern, that at least they are ready for work.
+
+To-night suddenly blazed forth with amazing vigour. Old friend EVELYN
+BARING, taking his seat under new style, Lord CROMER, agreeably
+surprised; House almost full; Opposition in high feather; cheered
+CADOGAN and the MARKISS with rare enthusiasm.
+
+"I suppose the question is either the Church or the Land?" said
+CROMER, looking up his Orders of the Day. "Heard in Egypt those were
+only subjects that made you sit up."
+
+"There's one other," said CARRINGTON, to whom remark was addressed;
+"though you will say it practically comes to the same thing. It's Mr.
+G. Anything connected with him ruffles House with sudden storm. Mr. G.
+made HOUGHTON Lord Lieutenant of Ireland. HOUGHTON a charming
+fellow; popular in both camps; but being Mr. G.'s selection for the
+Viceroyalty, we--I mean they--are bound to go for him."
+
+Went for him to-night hammer and tongues. CADOGAN, not usually a peer
+of bloodthirsty aspect, clenched his teeth with ominous vigour when he
+discovered HOUGHTON was not present. Had sent him special invitation,
+he explained. Had even gone so far as to leave to him choice of
+date for his execution. "And now," cried CADOGAN, glaring round the
+appalled House, "his Excellency is not here!"
+
+His absence commented on with towering vigour. Lord Lieutenant's
+procedure, in his dealing with addresses, "dishonest, dishonourable,
+discreditable to all concerned," said CADOGAN, by way of final shot,
+intended to sink whole Ministerial Bench.
+
+MARKISS, not to be outdone, denounced Mr. G. as "a despot," and his
+colleagues in the Government "a well-trained company of mutes." As
+for something Lord SPENCER had said, MARKISS described it as "a
+pure invention," which is much politer than Mr. MANTALINI'S way of
+referring to similar lapse as "a demnition lie." House sat as late as
+half-past six, and went off home in high good humour. "Quite a
+long time since we wet our spears," said the MARKISS. "Just as well
+sometime, dear TOBY, to show you fellows in the Commons what we can
+do."
+
+_Business done._--In Commons Financial Clause to Home-Rule Bill passed
+Second Reading.
+
+_House of Commons, Tuesday._--DON'T KEIR HARDIE on again with fresh
+inquiry as to misadventure to one ARTHUR WALKER on day of Royal
+Wedding. Mr. WALKER (of London) it appears had difficulty with mounted
+officer in command of company of troops. Officer says that when
+ordered to fall back WALKER seized his horse's rein. ARTHUR says
+"Walker!"; didn't do anything of the sort. That remains in dispute.
+What is clear is that WALKER got slight scalp wound, inflicted by
+the warrior's sword. DON'T KEIR HARDIE wants sworn inquiry into case.
+CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN puts whole case in nutshell. "An accident," he
+says, "a regrettable accident; entirely owing to fact of the sharp
+edge of the sword meeting the man's head, instead of the flat edge."
+
+That was all; but WALKER seems to think it was enough. Carried out on
+a larger scale, before and since Waterloo, similar accidents have
+had even more direful results. But CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN, by voice and
+manner, succeeded in throwing into explanation an amount of conviction
+that communicated itself to House, and even quietened DON'T KEIR
+HARDIE. The choice of the word "meeting" was perhaps most exquisite
+touch in answer. Without venturing upon assertion, it conveyed
+impression that responsibility for regrettable occurrence was fully
+shared by Mr. WALKER. Meeting implies advance from either side. To
+accomplish the contact, Mr. WALKER'S head must have advanced in the
+direction of the sword, which at the moment happened to be going the
+other way, unfortunately with the sharp edge to the front. Hence,
+between the two, the abrasion of Mr. WALKER'S skull.
+
+[Illustration: VIEW OF "COMMITTEE STAGE OF THE HOME-RULE BILL." "CALL"
+FOR THE AUTHOR AND MANAGER.]
+
+CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN did not add another word, but everyone who knows
+his kindness of heart will understand his unuttered wish that when in
+future WALKER takes his walks abroad he will be more careful. At least,
+if his head insists upon meeting swords going the other way, he may be
+expected to note whether it is the sharp edge or the flat that is out
+for the day.
+
+_Business done._--Financial Clause Home-Rule Bill in Committee. A long
+dull night, flashing forth at end in encounter between JOSEPH and his
+"right hon. friend." Mr. G. in tremendous force and vigour. In its way
+it was CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN'S story over again, JOSEPH'S blameless head
+meeting the sharp edge of Mr. G.'s sword. Where difference came in was
+in circumstance that no one seemed to regard accident as regrettable.
+On contrary, whilst the Home-Rulers whooped in wild delight, the
+Opposition crowded the benches to watch the fun.
+
+_Friday_, 1.20 A.M.--If there is in the world at this moment a
+thoroughly astonished man it is JOHN WILLIAM LOGAN, Member of
+Parliament for the South (Harborough) division of Leicestershire. Just
+now LOGAN'S mind is disturbed and his collar ruffled by an incident in
+the passage of Home-Rule Bill; but he is capable of giving perfectly
+coherent account of events. At ten o'clock MELLOR rose as usual to set
+in motion machinery of guillotine. Question at moment before Committee
+peremptorily put. LOGAN, unguardedly descending from serene atmosphere
+of side gallery, reached floor of House; was passing between table and
+Front Opposition Bench towards division lobby when he beheld vision of
+VICARY GIBBS skipping down gangway steps shouting and waving his arms.
+LOGAN, a man of philosophical temperament and inquiring mind, halted
+to watch course of events. Something apparently wrong in the City;
+things either gone up or gone down; VICARY GIBBS certainly come down;
+was now seated beside PRINCE ARTHUR, with hat fiercely pressed over
+brow, excitedly shouting at Chairman. As everybody else was shouting
+at same moment, Chairman wrung his hands, and spasmodically cried
+"Order! Order!" LOGAN had presence of mind to note that whilst VICARY
+in any pause in the storm cried aloud, "Mr. MELLOR, I rise to order,"
+he was sitting down all the time with his hat on.
+
+That was LOGAN'S last collected idea before personal affairs
+entirely engrossed his attention. HAYES FISHER, in ordinary times
+mildest-mannered man that ever helped to govern Ireland, took note of
+LOGAN still standing in passage between Front Bench and table; effect
+upon him miraculous.
+
+"Yah, LOGAN!" he yelled; "get out. Bah! bah! go to the Bar."
+
+Contagion of fury touched CARSON, who had hitherto been shouting
+at large. He now turned on LOGAN. "Gag! gag!" he yelled. "Gang of
+gaggers." Then, in heat of moment, he cried above the uproar, "Gag of
+gangers."
+
+This too much for LOGAN. Hitherto stood everything; now sat down
+in contiguity to CARSON. Here is where the surprise came in. Front
+Opposition Bench not his usual place, but was nearest available seat.
+His standing up objected to; it was certainly against rules of law and
+order that prevail in the House of Commons. Very well then, he would
+sit down. This he did, taking vacant place by CARSON. But, like the
+bo'sun and the sailor strung up for forty lashes, hit high or hit low
+he couldn't please them. The scene that followed has no parallel
+since similar disturbance took place in Dotheboys Hall when _Nicholas
+Nickleby_ revolted and "took it out" of _Squeers_. HAYES FISHER
+leaning over clutched LOGAN by the back of the neck and thrust him
+forth. ASHMEAD-BARTLETT, seeing opportunity of winning his knightly
+spurs, firmly fixed his eyeglass, and felt for LOGAN in the front.
+
+That the table and front Opposition Bench were not "steepled" in
+LOGAN'S gore, as were the forms and benches at Dotheboy's Hall in
+that of _Fanny Squeers's_ Pa, was due to diversion raised from another
+quarter. Irish members below Gangway, seeing the scrimmage, and noting
+CARSON had something to do with it, moved down in body with wild
+"whirroo!" SAUNDERSON, providentially in his place, sprang up and
+advanced to intercept the rolling flood. CREAN being on crest of
+advancing wave found his face, by what CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN would
+describe as a "regrettable accident." in contact with the Colonel's
+fist. Moreover, it was the knuckly end, scarcely less hurtful than the
+sharp edge of the sword which laid WALKER (of London) low. CREAN drew
+back, but only _pour mieux reculer_, as they say in Cork. Whilst the
+Colonel was standing in the attitude of pacific impartiality he later
+described to the SPEAKER, CREAN dealt him an uncommonly nasty one on
+the chops; the thud distinctly heard amid the Babel of cries in the
+miniature Donnybrook below Gangway. Amid moving, struggling mass,
+SAUNDERSON'S white waistcoat flashed to and fro like flag of truce,
+to which, alas! there was no response. What became of LOGAN in this
+crisis not quite clear. Fancy I saw WALROND extricating him from the
+embraces of FANNY-SQUEERS-ASHMEAD-BARTLETT. Mr. G. looked on with
+troubled face from Treasury Bench. BARTLEY standing up on edge of
+scrimmage, pointed accusatory forefinger at him, was saying something,
+probably opprobrious but at the moment inaudible.
+
+"So like BARTLEY to go to root of matter," said GEORGE RUSSELL, who
+surveyed scene from sanctuary of Speaker's chair. "Others might
+accuse JOSEPH of being responsible for disturbance by likening his
+old colleague and chief to iniquitous King HEROD at the epoch when
+the worms were waiting to make an end of him. VICARY GIBBS and good
+Conservatives generally are sure it was TAY PAY'S retort of 'JUDAS!
+JUDAS!' that dropped the fat into the fire. Only BARTLEY has cool
+judgment and presence of mind to point the moral of the moving scene.
+A striking figure in the inextricable _melee._ When his statue is
+added to that of great Parliamentarians in St. Stephen's Hall, the
+sculptor should seize this attitude."
+
+_Business done._--Home-Rule Bill through Committee; but first a real
+taste of Donnybrook.
+
+[Illustration: AFTER THE FALL OF THE CURTAIN. EXPLANATIONS.]
+
+_Friday Night._--House a little languid after excitement of last
+night. Attendance small; subject at morning sitting, Scotch Education;
+at night, Agriculture. Dr. HUNTER thinks it would be nice to have
+Committee of Inquiry into origin and progress of last night's row.
+Nobody else takes that view; general impression is, we'd better forget
+it as soon as possible.
+
+_Business done._--TREVELYAN explains Scotch Education Vote.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ANGEL (IN THE HOUSE)'S ADVOCATE.--Mr. WOODALL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+Page 49: 'gateau' corrected to gateau'.
+The paper was much applauded, and GATTO _prends le gateau_.
+
+Page 51: "it's" corrected to "its". (... so that its impulse Be
+humorous not malevolent;)
+
+Page 57: 'responsility' corrected to 'responsibility' (Would you ever
+act upon your own responsibility?)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+105,  August  5th 1893, by Various
+
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