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@@ -1,36 +1,4 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Major Barbara, by George Bernard Shaw - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Major Barbara - -Author: George Bernard Shaw - -Posting Date: May 19, 2009 [EBook #3790] -Release Date: February, 2003 -First Posted: September 9, 2001 -Last Updated: April 15, 2005 -Last Updated: July 24, 2015 - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MAJOR BARBARA *** - - - - -Produced by Eve Sobol. HTML version by Al Haines. - - - - - +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 3790 *** @@ -4659,19 +4627,19 @@ any of you. I felt like her when I saw this place--felt that I must have it--that never, never, never could I let it go; only she thought it was the houses and the kitchen ranges and the linen and china, when it was really all the human souls to be -saved: not weak souls in starved bodies, crying with gratitude or -a scrap of bread and treacle, but fullfed, quarrelsome, snobbish, -uppish creatures, all standing on their little rights and -dignities, and thinking that my father ought to be greatly +saved: not weak souls in starved bodies, crying with gratitude +or a scrap of bread and treacle, but fullfed, quarrelsome, +snobbish, uppish creatures, all standing on their little rights +and dignities, and thinking that my father ought to be greatly obliged to them for making so much money for him--and so he ought. That is where salvation is really wanted. My father shall never throw it in my teeth again that my converts were bribed -with bread. [She is transfigured]. I have got rid of the bribe of -bread. I have got rid of the bribe of heaven. Let God's work be -done for its own sake: the work he had to create us to do because -it cannot be done by living men and women. When I die, let him be -in my debt, not I in his; and let me forgive him as becomes a -woman of my rank. +with bread. [She is transfigured]. I have got rid of the bribe +of bread. I have got rid of the bribe of heaven. Let God's work +be done for its own sake: the work he had to create us to do +because it cannot be done except by living men and women. When I +die, let him be in my debt, not I in his; and let me forgive him +as becomes a woman of my rank. CUSINS. Then the way of life lies through the factory of death? @@ -4721,370 +4689,4 @@ UNDERSHAFT [to Cusins] Six o'clock tomorrow morning, my young friend. - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Major Barbara, by George Bernard Shaw - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MAJOR BARBARA *** - -***** This file should be named 3790.txt or 3790.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - https://www.gutenberg.org/3/7/9/3790/ - -Produced by Eve Sobol. HTML version by Al Haines. - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Major Barbara - -Author: George Bernard Shaw - -Posting Date: May 19, 2009 [EBook #3790] -Release Date: February, 2003 -First Posted: September 9, 2001 -Last Updated: April 15, 2005 -Last Updated: July 24, 2015 - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MAJOR BARBARA *** - - - - -Produced by Eve Sobol. HTML version by Al Haines. - - - - - -</pre> - +<div style='text-align:center'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 3790 ***</div> <BR><BR> -<H2 ALIGN="center"> +<H2> MAJOR BARBARA </H2> -<H3 ALIGN="center"> +<H3> BERNARD SHAW </H3> <BR><BR><BR> -<H3 ALIGN="center"> +<H3> ACT I </H3> @@ -1725,7 +1682,7 @@ dislike]. <BR><BR><BR> -<H3 ALIGN="center"> +<H3> ACT II </H3> @@ -4561,7 +4518,7 @@ spirit, miss! [They go out through the gate together]. <BR><BR><BR> -<H3 ALIGN="center"> +<H3> ACT III </H3> @@ -7173,7 +7130,7 @@ never throw it in my teeth again that my converts were bribed with bread. [She is transfigured]. I have got rid of the bribe of bread. I have got rid of the bribe of heaven. Let God's work be done for its own sake: the work he had to create us to do because -it cannot be done by living men and women. When I die, let him be +it cannot be done except by living men and women. When I die, let him be in my debt, not I in his; and let me forgive him as becomes a woman of my rank. </P> @@ -7247,388 +7204,6 @@ UNDERSHAFT [to Cusins] Six o'clock tomorrow morning, my young friend. </P> -<BR><BR><BR><BR> - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Major Barbara, by George Bernard Shaw - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MAJOR BARBARA *** - -***** This file should be named 3790-h.htm or 3790-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - https://www.gutenberg.org/3/7/9/3790/ - -Produced by Eve Sobol. HTML version by Al Haines. - -Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Thus, we do not necessarily -keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. - - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: - - https://www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. - - -</pre> - +<div style='text-align:center'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 3790 ***</div> </BODY> - </HTML> - - diff --git a/3790.zip b/3790.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index aabe957..0000000 --- a/3790.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/20050415-3790-h.htm b/old/20050415-3790-h.htm deleted file mode 100644 index a22e765..0000000 --- a/old/20050415-3790-h.htm +++ /dev/null @@ -1,7633 +0,0 @@ -<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> -<HTML> -<HEAD> - -<META HTTP-EQUIV="Content-Type" CONTENT="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> - -<TITLE> -The Project Gutenberg E-text of Major Barbara, by George Bernard Shaw -</TITLE> - -<STYLE TYPE="text/css"> -BODY { color: Black; - background: White; - margin-right: 20%; - margin-left: 10%; - font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; - text-align: justify } - -P {text-indent: 4% } - -P.noindent {text-indent: 0% } - -P.poem {text-indent: 0%; - margin-left: 10%; - font-size: small } - -P.letter {text-indent: 0%; - font-size: small ; - margin-left: 10% ; - margin-right: 10% } - -P.stage {font-size: small ; - text-indent: 0% ; - margin-left: 0% ; - margin-right: 0% } - -P.dialog {font-size: small ; - text-indent: -5% ; - margin-left: 5% ; - margin-right: 0% } - -P.finis { font-size: larger ; - text-align: center ; - text-indent: 0% ; - margin-left: 0% ; - margin-right: 0% } - - -</STYLE> - -</HEAD> - -<BODY> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Major Barbara, by George Bernard Shaw - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.net - - -Title: Major Barbara - -Author: George Bernard Shaw - -Posting Date: May 19, 2009 [EBook #3790] -Release Date: February, 2003 -First Posted: September 9, 2001 -Last Updated: April 15, 2005 - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MAJOR BARBARA *** - - - - -Produced by Eve Sobol. HTML version by Al Haines. - - - - - -</pre> - - -<BR><BR> - -<H2 ALIGN="center"> -MAJOR BARBARA -</H2> - -<H3 ALIGN="center"> -BERNARD SHAW -</H3> - -<BR><BR><BR> - -<H3 ALIGN="center"> -ACT I -</H3> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -It is after dinner on a January night, in the library in -Lady Britomart Undershaft's house in Wilton Crescent. A large and -comfortable settee is in the middle of the room, upholstered in -dark leather. A person sitting on it [it is vacant at present] -would have, on his right, Lady Britomart's writing table, with -the lady herself busy at it; a smaller writing table behind him -on his left; the door behind him on Lady Britomart's side; and a -window with a window seat directly on his left. Near the window -is an armchair. -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Lady Britomart is a woman of fifty or thereabouts, well dressed -and yet careless of her dress, well bred and quite reckless of -her breeding, well mannered and yet appallingly outspoken and -indifferent to the opinion of her interlocutory, amiable and yet -peremptory, arbitrary, and high-tempered to the last bearable -degree, and withal a very typical managing matron of the upper -class, treated as a naughty child until she grew into a scolding -mother, and finally settling down with plenty of practical -ability and worldly experience, limited in the oddest way with -domestic and class limitations, conceiving the universe exactly -as if it were a large house in Wilton Crescent, though handling -her corner of it very effectively on that assumption, and being -quite enlightened and liberal as to the books in the library, the -pictures on the walls, the music in the portfolios, and the -articles in the papers. -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Her son, Stephen, comes in. He is a gravely correct young man -under 25, taking himself very seriously, but still in some awe of -his mother, from childish habit and bachelor shyness rather than -from any weakness of character. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. What's the matter? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Presently, Stephen. -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Stephen submissively walks to the settee and sits down. He takes -up The Speaker. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Don't begin to read, Stephen. I shall require all -your attention. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. It was only while I was waiting-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Don't make excuses, Stephen. [He puts down The -Speaker]. Now! [She finishes her writing; rises; and comes to the -settee]. I have not kept you waiting very long, I think. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. Not at all, mother. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Bring me my cushion. [He takes the cushion from -the chair at the desk and arranges it for her as she sits down on -the settee]. Sit down. [He sits down and fingers his tie -nervously]. Don't fiddle with your tie, Stephen: there is nothing -the matter with it. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. I beg your pardon. [He fiddles with his watch chain -instead]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Now are you attending to me, Stephen? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. Of course, mother. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. No: it's not of course. I want something much -more than your everyday matter-of-course attention. I am going to -speak to you very seriously, Stephen. I wish you would let that -chain alone. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN [hastily relinquishing the chain] Have I done anything to -annoy you, mother? If so, it was quite unintentional. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [astonished] Nonsense! [With some remorse] My poor -boy, did you think I was angry with you? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. What is it, then, mother? You are making me very uneasy. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [squaring herself at him rather aggressively] -Stephen: may I ask how soon you intend to realize that you are a -grown-up man, and that I am only a woman? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN [amazed] Only a-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Don't repeat my words, please: It is a most -aggravating habit. You must learn to face life seriously, -Stephen. I really cannot bear the whole burden of our family -affairs any longer. You must advise me: you must assume the -responsibility. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. I! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Yes, you, of course. You were 24 last June. -You've been at Harrow and Cambridge. You've been to India and -Japan. You must know a lot of things now; unless you have wasted -your time most scandalously. Well, advise me. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN [much perplexed] You know I have never interfered in the -household-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. No: I should think not. I don't want you to order -the dinner. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. I mean in our family affairs. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Well, you must interfere now; for they are -getting quite beyond me. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN [troubled] I have thought sometimes that perhaps I ought; -but really, mother, I know so little about them; and what I do -know is so painful--it is so impossible to mention some things to -you--[he stops, ashamed]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. I suppose you mean your father. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN [almost inaudibly] Yes. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. My dear: we can't go on all our lives not -mentioning him. Of course you were quite right not to open the -subject until I asked you to; but you are old enough now to be -taken into my confidence, and to help me to deal with him about -the girls. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. But the girls are all right. They are engaged. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [complacently] Yes: I have made a very good match -for Sarah. Charles Lomax will be a millionaire at 35. But that is -ten years ahead; and in the meantime his trustees cannot under -the terms of his father's will allow him more than 800 pounds a -year. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. But the will says also that if he increases his income -by his own exertions, they may double the increase. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Charles Lomax's exertions are much more likely to -decrease his income than to increase it. Sarah will have to find -at least another 800 pounds a year for the next ten years; and -even then they will be as poor as church mice. And what about -Barbara? I thought Barbara was going to make the most brilliant -career of all of you. And what does she do? Joins the Salvation -Army; discharges her maid; lives on a pound a week; and walks in -one evening with a professor of Greek whom she has picked up in -the street, and who pretends to be a Salvationist, and actually -plays the big drum for her in public because he has fallen head -over ears in love with her. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. I was certainly rather taken aback when I heard they -were engaged. Cusins is a very nice fellow, certainly: nobody -would ever guess that he was born in Australia; but-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Oh, Adolphus Cusins will make a very good -husband. After all, nobody can say a word against Greek: it -stamps a man at once as an educated gentleman. And my family, -thank Heaven, is not a pig-headed Tory one. We are Whigs, and -believe in liberty. Let snobbish people say what they please: -Barbara shall marry, not the man they like, but the man I like. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. Of course I was thinking only of his income. However, he -is not likely to be extravagant. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Don't be too sure of that, Stephen. I know your -quiet, simple, refined, poetic people like Adolphus--quite -content with the best of everything! They cost more than your -extravagant people, who are always as mean as they are second -rate. No: Barbara will need at least 2000 pounds a year. You see -it means two additional households. Besides, my dear, you must -marry soon. I don't approve of the present fashion of philandering -bachelors and late marriages; and I am trying to arrange something -for you. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. It's very good of you, mother; but perhaps I had better -arrange that for myself. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Nonsense! you are much too young to begin -matchmaking: you would be taken in by some pretty little nobody. -Of course I don't mean that you are not to be consulted: you know -that as well as I do. [Stephen closes his lips and is silent]. -Now don't sulk, Stephen. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. I am not sulking, mother. What has all this got to do -with--with--with my father? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. My dear Stephen: where is the money to come from? -It is easy enough for you and the other children to live on my -income as long as we are in the same house; but I can't keep four -families in four separate houses. You know how poor my father is: -he has barely seven thousand a year now; and really, if he were -not the Earl of Stevenage, he would have to give up society. He -can do nothing for us: he says, naturally enough, that it is -absurd that he should be asked to provide for the children of a -man who is rolling in money. You see, Stephen, your father must -be fabulously wealthy, because there is always a war going on -somewhere. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. You need not remind me of that, mother. I have hardly -ever opened a newspaper in my life without seeing our name in it. -The Undershaft torpedo! The Undershaft quick firers! The -Undershaft ten inch! the Undershaft disappearing rampart gun! the -Undershaft submarine! and now the Undershaft aerial battleship! -At Harrow they called me the Woolwich Infant. At Cambridge it was -the same. A little brute at King's who was always trying to get -up revivals, spoilt my Bible--your first birthday present to -me--by writing under my name, "Son and heir to Undershaft and -Lazarus, Death and Destruction Dealers: address, Christendom and -Judea." But that was not so bad as the way I was kowtowed to -everywhere because my father was making millions by selling -cannons. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. It is not only the cannons, but the war loans -that Lazarus arranges under cover of giving credit for the -cannons. You know, Stephen, it's perfectly scandalous. Those two -men, Andrew Undershaft and Lazarus, positively have Europe under -their thumbs. That is why your father is able to behave as he -does. He is above the law. Do you think Bismarck or Gladstone or -Disraeli could have openly defied every social and moral -obligation all their lives as your father has? They simply -wouldn't have dared. I asked Gladstone to take it up. I asked The -Times to take it up. I asked the Lord Chamberlain to take it up. -But it was just like asking them to declare war on the Sultan. -They WOULDN'T. They said they couldn't touch him. I believe they -were afraid. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. What could they do? He does not actually break the law. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Not break the law! He is always breaking the law. -He broke the law when he was born: his parents were not married. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. Mother! Is that true? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Of course it's true: that was why we separated. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. He married without letting you know this! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [rather taken aback by this inference] Oh no. To -do Andrew justice, that was not the sort of thing he did. -Besides, you know the Undershaft motto: Unashamed. Everybody -knew. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. But you said that was why you separated. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Yes, because he was not content with being a -foundling himself: he wanted to disinherit you for another -foundling. That was what I couldn't stand. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN [ashamed] Do you mean for--for--for-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Don't stammer, Stephen. Speak distinctly. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. But this is so frightful to me, mother. To have to speak -to you about such things! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. It's not pleasant for me, either, especially if -you are still so childish that you must make it worse by a -display of embarrassment. It is only in the middle classes, -Stephen, that people get into a state of dumb helpless horror -when they find that there are wicked people in the world. In our -class, we have to decide what is to be done with wicked people; -and nothing should disturb our self possession. Now ask your -question properly. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. Mother: you have no consideration for me. For Heaven's -sake either treat me as a child, as you always do, and tell me -nothing at all; or tell me everything and let me take it as best -I can. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Treat you as a child! What do you mean? It is -most unkind and ungrateful of you to say such a thing. You know I -have never treated any of you as children. I have always made you -my companions and friends, and allowed you perfect freedom to do -and say whatever you liked, so long as you liked what I could -approve of. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN [desperately] I daresay we have been the very imperfect -children of a very perfect mother; but I do beg you to let me -alone for once, and tell me about this horrible business of my -father wanting to set me aside for another son. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [amazed] Another son! I never said anything of the -kind. I never dreamt of such a thing. This is what comes of -interrupting me. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. But you said-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [cutting him short] Now be a good boy, Stephen, -and listen to me patiently. The Undershafts are descended from a -foundling in the parish of St. Andrew Undershaft in the city. -That was long ago, in the reign of James the First. Well, this -foundling was adopted by an armorer and gun-maker. In the course -of time the foundling succeeded to the business; and from some -notion of gratitude, or some vow or something, he adopted another -foundling, and left the business to him. And that foundling did -the same. Ever since that, the cannon business has always been -left to an adopted foundling named Andrew Undershaft. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. But did they never marry? Were there no legitimate sons? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Oh yes: they married just as your father did; and -they were rich enough to buy land for their own children and -leave them well provided for. But they always adopted and trained -some foundling to succeed them in the business; and of course -they always quarrelled with their wives furiously over it. Your -father was adopted in that way; and he pretends to consider -himself bound to keep up the tradition and adopt somebody to -leave the business to. Of course I was not going to stand that. -There may have been some reason for it when the Undershafts could -only marry women in their own class, whose sons were not fit to -govern great estates. But there could be no excuse for passing -over my son. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN [dubiously] I am afraid I should make a poor hand of -managing a cannon foundry. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Nonsense! you could easily get a manager and pay -him a salary. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. My father evidently had no great opinion of my capacity. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Stuff, child! you were only a baby: it had -nothing to do with your capacity. Andrew did it on principle, -just as he did every perverse and wicked thing on principle. When -my father remonstrated, Andrew actually told him to his face that -history tells us of only two successful institutions: one the -Undershaft firm, and the other the Roman Empire under the -Antonines. That was because the Antonine emperors all adopted -their successors. Such rubbish! The Stevenages are as good as the -Antonines, I hope; and you are a Stevenage. But that was Andrew -all over. There you have the man! Always clever and unanswerable -when he was defending nonsense and wickedness: always awkward and -sullen when he had to behave sensibly and decently! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. Then it was on my account that your home life was broken -up, mother. I am sorry. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Well, dear, there were other differences. I -really cannot bear an immoral man. I am not a Pharisee, I hope; -and I should not have minded his merely doing wrong things: we -are none of us perfect. But your father didn't exactly do wrong -things: he said them and thought them: that was what was so -dreadful. He really had a sort of religion of wrongness just as -one doesn't mind men practising immorality so long as they own -that they are in the wrong by preaching morality; so I couldn't -forgive Andrew for preaching immorality while he practised -morality. You would all have grown up without principles, without -any knowledge of right and wrong, if he had been in the house. -You know, my dear, your father was a very attractive man in some -ways. Children did not dislike him; and he took advantage of it -to put the wickedest ideas into their heads, and make them quite -unmanageable. I did not dislike him myself: very far from it; but -nothing can bridge over moral disagreement. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. All this simply bewilders me, mother. People may differ -about matters of opinion, or even about religion; but how can -they differ about right and wrong? Right is right; and wrong is -wrong; and if a man cannot distinguish them properly, he is -either a fool or a rascal: that's all. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [touched] That's my own boy [she pats his cheek]! -Your father never could answer that: he used to laugh and get out -of it under cover of some affectionate nonsense. And now that you -understand the situation, what do you advise me to do? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. Well, what can you do? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. I must get the money somehow. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. We cannot take money from him. I had rather go and live -in some cheap place like Bedford Square or even Hampstead than -take a farthing of his money. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. But after all, Stephen, our present income comes -from Andrew. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN [shocked] I never knew that. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Well, you surely didn't suppose your grandfather -had anything to give me. The Stevenages could not do everything -for you. We gave you social position. Andrew had to contribute -something. He had a very good bargain, I think. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN [bitterly] We are utterly dependent on him and his -cannons, then! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Certainly not: the money is settled. But he -provided it. So you see it is not a question of taking money from -him or not: it is simply a question of how much. I don't want any -more for myself. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. Nor do I. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. But Sarah does; and Barbara does. That is, -Charles Lomax and Adolphus Cusins will cost them more. So I must -put my pride in my pocket and ask for it, I suppose. That is your -advice, Stephen, is it not? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. No. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [sharply] Stephen! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. Of course if you are determined-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. I am not determined: I ask your advice; and I am -waiting for it. I will not have all the responsibility thrown on -my shoulders. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN [obstinately] I would die sooner than ask him for another -penny. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [resignedly] You mean that I must ask him. Very -well, Stephen: It shall be as you wish. You will be glad to know -that your grandfather concurs. But he thinks I ought to ask -Andrew to come here and see the girls. After all, he must have -some natural affection for them. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. Ask him here!!! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Do not repeat my words, Stephen. Where else can I -ask him? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. I never expected you to ask him at all. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Now don't tease, Stephen. Come! you see that it -is necessary that he should pay us a visit, don't you? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN [reluctantly] I suppose so, if the girls cannot do -without his money. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Thank you, Stephen: I knew you would give me the -right advice when it was properly explained to you. I have asked -your father to come this evening. [Stephen bounds from his seat] -Don't jump, Stephen: it fidgets me. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN [in utter consternation] Do you mean to say that my -father is coming here to-night--that he may be here at any -moment? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [looking at her watch] I said nine. [He gasps. She -rises]. Ring the bell, please. [Stephen goes to the smaller -writing table; presses a button on it; and sits at it with his -elbows on the table and his head in his hands, outwitted and -overwhelmed]. It is ten minutes to nine yet; and I have to -prepare the girls. I asked Charles Lomax and Adolphus to dinner -on purpose that they might be here. Andrew had better see them in -case he should cherish any delusions as to their being capable of -supporting their wives. [The butler enters: Lady Britomart goes -behind the settee to speak to him]. Morrison: go up to the -drawingroom and tell everybody to come down here at once. -[Morrison withdraws. Lady Britomart turns to Stephen]. Now -remember, Stephen, I shall need all your countenance and -authority. [He rises and tries to recover some vestige of these -attributes]. Give me a chair, dear. [He pushes a chair forward -from the wall to where she stands, near the smaller writing -table. She sits down; and he goes to the armchair, into which he -throws himself]. I don't know how Barbara will take it. Ever -since they made her a major in the Salvation Army she has -developed a propensity to have her own way and order people about -which quite cows me sometimes. It's not ladylike: I'm sure I -don't know where she picked it up. Anyhow, Barbara shan't bully -me; but still it's just as well that your father should be here -before she has time to refuse to meet him or make a fuss. Don't -look nervous, Stephen, it will only encourage Barbara to make -difficulties. I am nervous enough, goodness knows; but I don't -show it. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -Sarah and Barbara come in with their respective young men, -Charles Lomax and Adolphus Cusins. Sarah is slender, bored, and -mundane. Barbara is robuster, jollier, much more energetic. Sarah -is fashionably dressed: Barbara is in Salvation Army uniform. -Lomax, a young man about town, is like many other young men about -town. He is affected with a frivolous sense of humor which -plunges him at the most inopportune moments into paroxysms of -imperfectly suppressed laughter. Cusins is a spectacled student, -slight, thin haired, and sweet voiced, with a more complex form -of Lomax's complaint. His sense of humor is intellectual and -subtle, and is complicated by an appalling temper. The lifelong -struggle of a benevolent temperament and a high conscience -against impulses of inhuman ridicule and fierce impatience has -set up a chronic strain which has visibly wrecked his constitution. -He is a most implacable, determined, tenacious, intolerant person -who by mere force of character presents himself as--and indeed -actually is--considerate, gentle, explanatory, even mild and -apologetic, capable possibly of murder, but not of cruelty or -coarseness. By the operation of some instinct which is not merciful -enough to blind him with the illusions of love, he is obstinately -bent on marrying Barbara. Lomax likes Sarah and thinks it will be -rather a lark to marry her. Consequently he has not attempted to -resist Lady Britomart's arrangements to that end. -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -All four look as if they had been having a good deal of fun in -the drawingroom. The girls enter first, leaving the swains -outside. Sarah comes to the settee. Barbara comes in after her -and stops at the door. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Are Cholly and Dolly to come in? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [forcibly] Barbara: I will not have Charles called -Cholly: the vulgarity of it positively makes me ill. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. It's all right, mother. Cholly is quite correct -nowadays. Are they to come in? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Yes, if they will behave themselves. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [through the door] Come in, Dolly, and behave yourself. -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Barbara comes to her mother's writing table. Cusins enters -smiling, and wanders towards Lady Britomart. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SARAH [calling] Come in, Cholly. [Lomax enters, controlling his -features very imperfectly, and places himself vaguely between -Sarah and Barbara]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [peremptorily] Sit down, all of you. [They sit. -Cusins crosses to the window and seats himself there. Lomax takes -a chair. Barbara sits at the writing table and Sarah on the -settee]. I don't in the least know what you are laughing at, -Adolphus. I am surprised at you, though I expected nothing better -from Charles Lomax. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [in a remarkably gentle voice] Barbara has been trying to -teach me the West Ham Salvation March. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. I see nothing to laugh at in that; nor should you -if you are really converted. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [sweetly] You were not present. It was really funny, I -believe. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX. Ripping. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Be quiet, Charles. Now listen to me, children. -Your father is coming here this evening. [General stupefaction]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [remonstrating] Oh I say! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. You are not called on to say anything, Charles. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SARAH. Are you serious, mother? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Of course I am serious. It is on your account, -Sarah, and also on Charles's. [Silence. Charles looks painfully -unworthy]. I hope you are not going to object, Barbara. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. I! why should I? My father has a soul to be saved like -anybody else. He's quite welcome as far as I am concerned. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [still remonstrant] But really, don't you know! Oh I say! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [frigidly] What do you wish to convey, Charles? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX. Well, you must admit that this is a bit thick. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [turning with ominous suavity to Cusins] Adolphus: -you are a professor of Greek. Can you translate Charles Lomax's -remarks into reputable English for us? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [cautiously] If I may say so, Lady Brit, I think Charles -has rather happily expressed what we all feel. Homer, speaking of -Autolycus, uses the same phrase. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [handsomely] Not that I mind, you know, if Sarah don't. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [crushingly] Thank you. Have I your permission, -Adolphus, to invite my own husband to my own house? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [gallantly] You have my unhesitating support in everything -you do. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Sarah: have you nothing to say? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SARAH. Do you mean that he is coming regularly to live here? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Certainly not. The spare room is ready for him if -he likes to stay for a day or two and see a little more of you; -but there are limits. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SARAH. Well, he can't eat us, I suppose. I don't mind. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [chuckling] I wonder how the old man will take it. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Much as the old woman will, no doubt, Charles. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [abashed] I didn't mean--at least-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. You didn't think, Charles. You never do; and the -result is, you never mean anything. And now please attend to me, -children. Your father will be quite a stranger to us. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX. I suppose he hasn't seen Sarah since she was a little kid. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Not since she was a little kid, Charles, as you -express it with that elegance of diction and refinement of -thought that seem never to desert you. Accordingly--er-- [impatiently] -Now I have forgotten what I was going to say. That comes of your -provoking me to be sarcastic, Charles. Adolphus: will you kindly -tell me where I was. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [sweetly] You were saying that as Mr Undershaft has not -seen his children since they were babies, he will form his -opinion of the way you have brought them up from their behavior -to-night, and that therefore you wish us all to be particularly -careful to conduct ourselves well, especially Charles. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX. Look here: Lady Brit didn't say that. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [vehemently] I did, Charles. Adolphus's -recollection is perfectly correct. It is most important that you -should be good; and I do beg you for once not to pair off into -opposite corners and giggle and whisper while I am speaking to -your father. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. All right, mother. We'll do you credit. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Remember, Charles, that Sarah will want to feel -proud of you instead of ashamed of you. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX. Oh I say! There's nothing to be exactly proud of, don't -you know. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Well, try and look as if there was. -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Morrison, pale and dismayed, breaks into the room in unconcealed -disorder. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -MORRISON. Might I speak a word to you, my lady? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Nonsense! Show him up. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -MORRISON. Yes, my lady. [He goes]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX. Does Morrison know who he is? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Of course. Morrison has always been with us. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX. It must be a regular corker for him, don't you know. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Is this a moment to get on my nerves, Charles, -with your outrageous expressions? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX. But this is something out of the ordinary, really-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -MORRISON [at the door] The--er--Mr Undershaft. [He retreats in -confusion]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Andrew Undershaft comes in. All rise. Lady Britomart meets him in -the middle of the room behind the settee. -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Andrew is, on the surface, a stoutish, easygoing elderly man, -with kindly patient manners, and an engaging simplicity of -character. But he has a watchful, deliberate, waiting, listening -face, and formidable reserves of power, both bodily and mental, -in his capacious chest and long head. His gentleness is partly -that of a strong man who has learnt by experience that his -natural grip hurts ordinary people unless he handles them very -carefully, and partly the mellowness of age and success. He is -also a little shy in his present very delicate situation. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Good evening, Andrew. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. How d'ye do, my dear. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. You look a good deal older. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [apologetically] I AM somewhat older. [With a touch of -courtship] Time has stood still with you. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [promptly] Rubbish! This is your family. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [surprised] Is it so large? I am sorry to say my -memory is failing very badly in some things. [He offers his hand -with paternal kindness to Lomax]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [jerkily shaking his hand] Ahdedoo. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. I can see you are my eldest. I am very glad to meet -you again, my boy. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [remonstrating] No but look here don't you know--[Overcome] -Oh I say! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [recovering from momentary speechlessness] Andrew: -do you mean to say that you don't remember how many children you -have? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Well, I am afraid I--. They have grown so much--er. -Am I making any ridiculous mistake? I may as well confess: I -recollect only one son. But so many things have happened since, -of course--er-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [decisively] Andrew: you are talking nonsense. Of -course you have only one son. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Perhaps you will be good enough to introduce me, my -dear. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. That is Charles Lomax, who is engaged to Sarah. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. My dear sir, I beg your pardon. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX. Not at all. Delighted, I assure you. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. This is Stephen. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [bowing] Happy to make your acquaintance, Mr Stephen. -Then [going to Cusins] you must be my son. [Taking Cusins' hands -in his] How are you, my young friend? [To Lady Britomart] He is -very like you, my love. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. You flatter me, Mr Undershaft. My name is Cusins: engaged -to Barbara. [Very explicitly] That is Major Barbara Undershaft, -of the Salvation Army. That is Sarah, your second daughter. This -is Stephen Undershaft, your son. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. My dear Stephen, I beg your pardon. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. Not at all. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Mr Cusins: I am much indebted to you for explaining -so precisely. [Turning to Sarah] Barbara, my dear-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SARAH [prompting him] Sarah. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Sarah, of course. [They shake hands. He goes over to -Barbara] Barbara--I am right this time, I hope. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Quite right. [They shake hands]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [resuming command] Sit down, all of you. Sit down, -Andrew. [She comes forward and sits on the settle. Cusins also -brings his chair forward on her left. Barbara and Stephen resume -their seats. Lomax gives his chair to Sarah and goes for -another]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Thank you, my love. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [conversationally, as he brings a chair forward between the -writing table and the settee, and offers it to Undershaft] Takes -you some time to find out exactly where you are, don't it? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [accepting the chair] That is not what embarrasses me, -Mr Lomax. My difficulty is that if I play the part of a father, I -shall produce the effect of an intrusive stranger; and if I play -the part of a discreet stranger, I may appear a callous father. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. There is no need for you to play any part at all, -Andrew. You had much better be sincere and natural. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [submissively] Yes, my dear: I daresay that will be -best. [Making himself comfortable] Well, here I am. Now what can -I do for you all? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. You need not do anything, Andrew. You are one of -the family. You can sit with us and enjoy yourself. -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Lomax's too long suppressed mirth explodes in agonized neighings. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [outraged] Charles Lomax: if you can behave -yourself, behave yourself. If not, leave the room. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX. I'm awfully sorry, Lady Brit; but really, you know, upon -my soul! [He sits on the settee between Lady Britomart and -Undershaft, quite overcome]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Why don't you laugh if you want to, Cholly? It's good -for your inside. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Barbara: you have had the education of a lady. -Please let your father see that; and don't talk like a street -girl. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Never mind me, my dear. As you know, I am not a -gentleman; and I was never educated. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [encouragingly] Nobody'd know it, I assure you. You look -all right, you know. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Let me advise you to study Greek, Mr Undershaft. Greek -scholars are privileged men. Few of them know Greek; and none of -them know anything else; but their position is unchallengeable. -Other languages are the qualifications of waiters and commercial -travellers: Greek is to a man of position what the hallmark is to -silver. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Dolly: don't be insincere. Cholly: fetch your concertina -and play something for us. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [doubtfully to Undershaft] Perhaps that sort of thing isn't -in your line, eh? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. I am particularly fond of music. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [delighted] Are you? Then I'll get it. [He goes upstairs -for the instrument]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Do you play, Barbara? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Only the tambourine. But Cholly's teaching me the -concertina. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Is Cholly also a member of the Salvation Army? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. No: he says it's bad form to be a dissenter. But I don't -despair of Cholly. I made him come yesterday to a meeting at the -dock gates, and take the collection in his hat. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. It is not my doing, Andrew. Barbara is old enough -to take her own way. She has no father to advise her. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Oh yes she has. There are no orphans in the Salvation -Army. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Your father there has a great many children and -plenty of experience, eh? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [looking at him with quick interest and nodding] Just so. -How did you come to understand that? [Lomax is heard at the door -trying the concertina]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Come in, Charles. Play us something at once. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX. Righto! [He sits down in his former place, and preludes]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. One moment, Mr Lomax. I am rather interested in the -Salvation Army. Its motto might be my own: Blood and Fire. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [shocked] But not your sort of blood and fire, you know. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. My sort of blood cleanses: my sort of fire purifies. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. So do ours. Come down to-morrow to my shelter--the West -Ham shelter--and see what we're doing. We're going to march to a -great meeting in the Assembly Hall at Mile End. Come and see the -shelter and then march with us: it will do you a lot of good. Can -you play anything? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. In my youth I earned pennies, and even shillings -occasionally, in the streets and in public house parlors by my -natural talent for stepdancing. Later on, I became a member of -the Undershaft orchestral society, and performed passably on the -tenor trombone. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [scandalized] Oh I say! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Many a sinner has played himself into heaven on the -trombone, thanks to the Army. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [to Barbara, still rather shocked] Yes; but what about the -cannon business, don't you know? [To Undershaft] Getting into -heaven is not exactly in your line, is it? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Charles!!! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX. Well; but it stands to reason, don't it? The cannon -business may be necessary and all that: we can't get on without -cannons; but it isn't right, you know. On the other hand, there -may be a certain amount of tosh about the Salvation Army--I -belong to the Established Church myself--but still you can't deny -that it's religion; and you can't go against religion, can you? -At least unless you're downright immoral, don't you know. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. You hardly appreciate my position, Mr Lomax-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [hastily] I'm not saying anything against you personally, -you know. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Quite so, quite so. But consider for a moment. Here I -am, a manufacturer of mutilation and murder. I find myself in a -specially amiable humor just now because, this morning, down at -the foundry, we blew twenty-seven dummy soldiers into fragments -with a gun which formerly destroyed only thirteen. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [leniently] Well, the more destructive war becomes, the -sooner it will be abolished, eh? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Not at all. The more destructive war becomes the more -fascinating we find it. No, Mr Lomax, I am obliged to you for -making the usual excuse for my trade; but I am not ashamed of it. -I am not one of those men who keep their morals and their -business in watertight compartments. All the spare money my trade -rivals spend on hospitals, cathedrals and other receptacles for -conscience money, I devote to experiments and researches in -improved methods of destroying life and property. I have always -done so; and I always shall. Therefore your Christmas card -moralities of peace on earth and goodwill among men are of no use -to me. Your Christianity, which enjoins you to resist not evil, -and to turn the other cheek, would make me a bankrupt. My -morality--my religion--must have a place for cannons and -torpedoes in it. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN [coldly--almost sullenly] You speak as if there were half -a dozen moralities and religions to choose from, instead of one -true morality and one true religion. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. For me there is only one true morality; but it might -not fit you, as you do not manufacture aerial battleships. There -is only one true morality for every man; but every man has not -the same true morality. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [overtaxed] Would you mind saying that again? I didn't -quite follow it. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. It's quite simple. As Euripides says, one man's meat is -another man's poison morally as well as physically. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Precisely. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX. Oh, that. Yes, yes, yes. True. True. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. In other words, some men are honest and some are -scoundrels. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Bosh. There are no scoundrels. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Indeed? Are there any good men? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. No. Not one. There are neither good men nor scoundrels: -there are just children of one Father; and the sooner they stop -calling one another names the better. You needn't talk to me: I -know them. I've had scores of them through my hands: scoundrels, -criminals, infidels, philanthropists, missionaries, county -councillors, all sorts. They're all just the same sort of sinner; -and there's the same salvation ready for them all. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. May I ask have you ever saved a maker of cannons? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. No. Will you let me try? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Well, I will make a bargain with you. If I go to see -you to-morrow in your Salvation Shelter, will you come the day -after to see me in my cannon works? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Take care. It may end in your giving up the cannons for -the sake of the Salvation Army. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Are you sure it will not end in your giving up the -Salvation Army for the sake of the cannons? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. I will take my chance of that. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. And I will take my chance of the other. [They shake -hands on it]. Where is your shelter? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. In West Ham. At the sign of the cross. Ask anybody in -Canning Town. Where are your works? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. In Perivale St Andrews. At the sign of the sword. Ask -anybody in Europe. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX. Hadn't I better play something? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Yes. Give us Onward, Christian Soldiers. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX. Well, that's rather a strong order to begin with, don't -you know. Suppose I sing Thou'rt passing hence, my brother. It's -much the same tune. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. It's too melancholy. You get saved, Cholly; and you'll -pass hence, my brother, without making such a fuss about it. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Really, Barbara, you go on as if religion were a -pleasant subject. Do have some sense of propriety. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. I do not find it an unpleasant subject, my dear. It -is the only one that capable people really care for. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [looking at her watch] Well, if you are determined -to have it, I insist on having it in a proper and respectable -way. Charles: ring for prayers. [General amazement. Stephen rises -in dismay]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [rising] Oh I say! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [rising] I am afraid I must be going. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. You cannot go now, Andrew: it would be most -improper. Sit down. What will the servants think? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. My dear: I have conscientious scruples. May I suggest -a compromise? If Barbara will conduct a little service in the -drawingroom, with Mr Lomax as organist, I will attend it -willingly. I will even take part, if a trombone can be procured. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Don't mock, Andrew. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [shocked--to Barbara] You don't think I am mocking, my -love, I hope. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. No, of course not; and it wouldn't matter if you were: -half the Army came to their first meeting for a lark. [Rising] -Come along. Come, Dolly. Come, Cholly. [She goes out with -Undershaft, who opens the door for her. Cusins rises]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. I will not be disobeyed by everybody. Adolphus: -sit down. Charles: you may go. You are not fit for prayers: you -cannot keep your countenance. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX. Oh I say! [He goes out]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [continuing] But you, Adolphus, can behave -yourself if you choose to. I insist on your staying. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. My dear Lady Brit: there are things in the family prayer -book that I couldn't bear to hear you say. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. What things, pray? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Well, you would have to say before all the servants that -we have done things we ought not to have done, and left undone -things we ought to have done, and that there is no health in us. -I cannot bear to hear you doing yourself such an unjustice, and -Barbara such an injustice. As for myself, I flatly deny it: I -have done my best. I shouldn't dare to marry Barbara--I couldn't -look you in the face--if it were true. So I must go to the -drawingroom. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [offended] Well, go. [He starts for the door]. And -remember this, Adolphus [he turns to listen]: I have a very -strong suspicion that you went to the Salvation Army to worship -Barbara and nothing else. And I quite appreciate the very clever -way in which you systematically humbug me. I have found you out. -Take care Barbara doesn't. That's all. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [with unruffled sweetness] Don't tell on me. [He goes -out]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Sarah: if you want to go, go. Anything's better -than to sit there as if you wished you were a thousand miles -away. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SARAH [languidly] Very well, mamma. [She goes]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Lady Britomart, with a sudden flounce, gives way to a little gust -of tears. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN [going to her] Mother: what's the matter? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [swishing away her tears with her handkerchief] -Nothing. Foolishness. You can go with him, too, if you like, and -leave me with the servants. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. Oh, you mustn't think that, mother. I--I don't like him. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. The others do. That is the injustice of a woman's -lot. A woman has to bring up her children; and that means to -restrain them, to deny them things they want, to set them tasks, -to punish them when they do wrong, to do all the unpleasant -things. And then the father, who has nothing to do but pet them -and spoil them, comes in when all her work is done and steals -their affection from her. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. He has not stolen our affection from you. It is only -curiosity. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [violently] I won't be consoled, Stephen. There is -nothing the matter with me. [She rises and goes towards the -door]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. Where are you going, mother? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. To the drawingroom, of course. [She goes out. -Onward, Christian Soldiers, on the concertina, with tambourine -accompaniment, is heard when the door opens]. Are you coming, -Stephen? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. No. Certainly not. [She goes. He sits down on the -settee, with compressed lips and an expression of strong -dislike]. -</P> - -<BR><BR><BR> - -<H3 ALIGN="center"> -ACT II -</H3> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -The yard of the West Ham shelter of the Salvation Army is a cold -place on a January morning. The building itself, an old -warehouse, is newly whitewashed. Its gabled end projects into the -yard in the middle, with a door on the ground floor, and another -in the loft above it without any balcony or ladder, but with a -pulley rigged over it for hoisting sacks. Those who come from -this central gable end into the yard have the gateway leading to -the street on their left, with a stone horse-trough just beyond -it, and, on the right, a penthouse shielding a table from the -weather. There are forms at the table; and on them are seated a -man and a woman, both much down on their luck, finishing a meal -of bread [one thick slice each, with margarine and golden syrup] -and diluted milk. -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -The man, a workman out of employment, is young, agile, a talker, -a poser, sharp enough to be capable of anything in reason except -honesty or altruistic considerations of any kind. The woman is a -commonplace old bundle of poverty and hard-worn humanity. She -looks sixty and probably is forty-five. If they were rich people, -gloved and muffed and well wrapped up in furs and overcoats, they -would be numbed and miserable; for it is a grindingly cold, raw, -January day; and a glance at the background of grimy warehouses -and leaden sky visible over the whitewashed walls of the yard -would drive any idle rich person straight to the Mediterranean. -But these two, being no more troubled with visions of the -Mediterranean than of the moon, and being compelled to keep more -of their clothes in the pawnshop, and less on their persons, in -winter than in summer, are not depressed by the cold: rather are -they stung into vivacity, to which their meal has just now given -an almost jolly turn. The man takes a pull at his mug, and then -gets up and moves about the yard with his hands deep in his -pockets, occasionally breaking into a stepdance. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -THE WOMAN. Feel better otter your meal, sir? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -THE MAN. No. Call that a meal! Good enough for you, props; but -wot is it to me, an intelligent workin man. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -THE WOMAN. Workin man! Wot are you? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -THE MAN. Painter. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -THE WOMAN [sceptically] Yus, I dessay. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -THE MAN. Yus, you dessay! I know. Every loafer that can't do -nothink calls isself a painter. Well, I'm a real painter: -grainer, finisher, thirty-eight bob a week when I can get it. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -THE WOMAN. Then why don't you go and get it? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -THE MAN. I'll tell you why. Fust: I'm intelligent--fffff! it's -rotten cold here [he dances a step or two]--yes: intelligent -beyond the station o life into which it has pleased the -capitalists to call me; and they don't like a man that sees -through em. Second, an intelligent bein needs a doo share of -appiness; so I drink somethink cruel when I get the chawnce. -Third, I stand by my class and do as little as I can so's to -leave arf the job for me fellow workers. Fourth, I'm fly enough -to know wots inside the law and wots outside it; and inside it I -do as the capitalists do: pinch wot I can lay me ands on. In a -proper state of society I am sober, industrious and honest: in -Rome, so to speak, I do as the Romans do. Wots the consequence? -When trade is bad--and it's rotten bad just now--and the -employers az to sack arf their men, they generally start on me. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -THE WOMAN. What's your name? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -THE MAN. Price. Bronterre O'Brien Price. Usually called Snobby -Price, for short. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -THE WOMAN. Snobby's a carpenter, ain't it? You said you was a -painter. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -PRICE. Not that kind of snob, but the genteel sort. I'm too -uppish, owing to my intelligence, and my father being a Chartist -and a reading, thinking man: a stationer, too. I'm none of your -common hewers of wood and drawers of water; and don't you forget -it. [He returns to his seat at the table, and takes up his mug]. -Wots YOUR name? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -THE WOMAN. Rummy Mitchens, sir. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -PRICE [quaffing the remains of his milk to her] Your elth, Miss -Mitchens. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -RUMMY [correcting him] Missis Mitchens. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -PRICE. Wot! Oh Rummy, Rummy! Respectable married woman, Rummy, -gittin rescued by the Salvation Army by pretendin to be a bad un. -Same old game! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -RUMMY. What am I to do? I can't starve. Them Salvation lasses is -dear good girls; but the better you are, the worse they likes to -think you were before they rescued you. Why shouldn't they av a -bit o credit, poor loves? They're worn to rags by their work. And -where would they get the money to rescue us if we was to let on -we're no worse than other people? You know what ladies and -gentlemen are. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -PRICE. Thievin swine! Wish I ad their job, Rummy, all the same. -Wot does Rummy stand for? Pet name props? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -RUMMY. Short for Romola. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -PRICE. For wot!? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -RUMMY. Romola. It was out of a new book. Somebody me mother -wanted me to grow up like. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -PRICE. We're companions in misfortune, Rummy. Both on us got -names that nobody cawnt pronounce. Consequently I'm Snobby and -you're Rummy because Bill and Sally wasn't good enough for our -parents. Such is life! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -RUMMY. Who saved you, Mr. Price? Was it Major Barbara? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -PRICE. No: I come here on my own. I'm goin to be Bronterre -O'Brien Price, the converted painter. I know wot they like. I'll -tell em how I blasphemed and gambled and wopped my poor old -mother-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -RUMMY [shocked] Used you to beat your mother? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -PRICE. Not likely. She used to beat me. No matter: you come and -listen to the converted painter, and you'll hear how she was a -pious woman that taught me me prayers at er knee, an how I used -to come home drunk and drag her out o bed be er snow white airs, -an lam into er with the poker. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -RUMMY. That's what's so unfair to us women. Your confessions is -just as big lies as ours: you don't tell what you really done no -more than us; but you men can tell your lies right out at the -meetins and be made much of for it; while the sort o confessions -we az to make az to be wispered to one lady at a time. It ain't -right, spite of all their piety. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -PRICE. Right! Do you spose the Army'd be allowed if it went and -did right? Not much. It combs our air and makes us good little -blokes to be robbed and put upon. But I'll play the game as good -as any of em. I'll see somebody struck by lightnin, or hear a -voice sayin "Snobby Price: where will you spend eternity?" I'll -ave a time of it, I tell you. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -RUMMY. You won't be let drink, though. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -PRICE. I'll take it out in gorspellin, then. I don't want to -drink if I can get fun enough any other way. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -Jenny Hill, a pale, overwrought, pretty Salvation lass of 18, -comes in through the yard gate, leading Peter Shirley, a half -hardened, half worn-out elderly man, weak with hunger. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY [supporting him] Come! pluck up. I'll get you something to -eat. You'll be all right then. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -PRICE [rising and hurrying officiously to take the old man off -Jenny's hands] Poor old man! Cheer up, brother: you'll find rest -and peace and appiness ere. Hurry up with the food, miss: e's -fair done. [Jenny hurries into the shelter]. Ere, buck up, daddy! -She's fetchin y'a thick slice o breadn treacle, an a mug o -skyblue. [He seats him at the corner of the table]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -RUMMY [gaily] Keep up your old art! Never say die! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY. I'm not an old man. I'm ony 46. I'm as good as ever I -was. The grey patch come in my hair before I was thirty. All it -wants is three pennorth o hair dye: am I to be turned on the -streets to starve for it? Holy God! I've worked ten to twelve -hours a day since I was thirteen, and paid my way all through; -and now am I to be thrown into the gutter and my job given to a -young man that can do it no better than me because I've black -hair that goes white at the first change? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -PRICE [cheerfully] No good jawrin about it. You're ony a -jumped-up, jerked-off, orspittle-turned-out incurable of an ole -workin man: who cares about you? Eh? Make the thievin swine give -you a meal: they've stole many a one from you. Get a bit o your -own back. [Jenny returns with the usual meal]. There you are, -brother. Awsk a blessin an tuck that into you. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY [looking at it ravenously but not touching it, and crying -like a child] I never took anything before. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY [petting him] Come, come! the Lord sends it to you: he -wasn't above taking bread from his friends; and why should you -be? Besides, when we find you a job you can pay us for it if you -like. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY [eagerly] Yes, yes: that's true. I can pay you back: it's -only a loan. [Shivering] Oh Lord! oh Lord! [He turns to the table -and attacks the meal ravenously]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY. Well, Rummy, are you more comfortable now? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -RUMMY. God bless you, lovey! You've fed my body and saved my -soul, haven't you? [Jenny, touched, kisses her] Sit down and rest -a bit: you must be ready to drop. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY. I've been going hard since morning. But there's more work -than we can do. I mustn't stop. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -RUMMY. Try a prayer for just two minutes. You'll work all the -better after. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY [her eyes lighting up] Oh isn't it wonderful how a few -minutes prayer revives you! I was quite lightheaded at twelve -o'clock, I was so tired; but Major Barbara just sent me to pray -for five minutes; and I was able to go on as if I had only just -begun. [To Price] Did you have a piece of bread? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -PAIGE [with unction] Yes, miss; but I've got the piece that I -value more; and that's the peace that passeth hall hannerstennin. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -RUMMY [fervently] Glory Hallelujah! -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Bill Walker, a rough customer of about 25, appears at the yard -gate and looks malevolently at Jenny. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY. That makes me so happy. When you say that, I feel wicked -for loitering here. I must get to work again. -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -She is hurrying to the shelter, when the new-comer moves quickly -up to the door and intercepts her. His manner is so threatening -that she retreats as he comes at her truculently, driving her -down the yard. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. I know you. You're the one that took away my girl. You're -the one that set er agen me. Well, I'm goin to av er out. Not -that I care a curse for her or you: see? But I'll let er know; -and I'll let you know. I'm goin to give er a doin that'll teach -er to cut away from me. Now in with you and tell er to come out -afore I come in and kick er out. Tell er Bill Walker wants er. -She'll know what that means; and if she keeps me waitin it'll be -worse. You stop to jaw back at me; and I'll start on you: d'ye -hear? There's your way. In you go. [He takes her by the arm and -slings her towards the door of the shelter. She falls on her hand -and knee. Rummy helps her up again]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -PRICE [rising, and venturing irresolutely towards Bill]. Easy -there, mate. She ain't doin you no arm. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. Who are you callin mate? [Standing over him threateningly]. -You're goin to stand up for her, are you? Put up your ands. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -RUMMY [running indignantly to him to scold him]. Oh, you great -brute-- [He instantly swings his left hand back against her -face. She screams and reels back to the trough, where she -sits down, covering her bruised face with her hands and rocking -and moaning with pain]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY [going to her]. Oh God forgive you! How could you strike an -old woman like that? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [seizing her by the hair so violently that she also screams, -and tearing her away from the old woman]. You Gawd forgive me -again and I'll Gawd forgive you one on the jaw that'll stop you -prayin for a week. [Holding her and turning fiercely on Price]. -Av you anything to say agen it? Eh? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -PRICE [intimidated]. No, matey: she ain't anything to do with me. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. Good job for you! I'd put two meals into you and fight you -with one finger after, you starved cur. [To Jenny] Now are you -goin to fetch out Mog Habbijam; or am I to knock your face off -you and fetch her myself? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY [writhing in his grasp] Oh please someone go in and tell -Major Barbara--[she screams again as he wrenches her head down; -and Price and Rummy, flee into the shelter]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. You want to go in and tell your Major of me, do you? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY. Oh please don't drag my hair. Let me go. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. Do you or don't you? [She stifles a scream]. Yes or no. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY. God give me strength-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [striking her with his fist in the face] Go and show her -that, and tell her if she wants one like it to come and interfere -with me. [Jenny, crying with pain, goes into the shed. He goes to -the form and addresses the old man]. Here: finish your mess; and -get out o my way. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY [springing up and facing him fiercely, with the mug in -his hand] You take a liberty with me, and I'll smash you over the -face with the mug and cut your eye out. Ain't you satisfied--young -whelps like you--with takin the bread out o the mouths of your -elders that have brought you up and slaved for you, but you -must come shovin and cheekin and bullyin in here, where the bread -o charity is sickenin in our stummicks? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [contemptuously, but backing a little] Wot good are you, you -old palsy mug? Wot good are you? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY. As good as you and better. I'll do a day's work agen you -or any fat young soaker of your age. Go and take my job at -Horrockses, where I worked for ten year. They want young men -there: they can't afford to keep men over forty-five. They're -very sorry--give you a character and happy to help you to get -anything suited to your years--sure a steady man won't be long -out of a job. Well, let em try you. They'll find the differ. What -do you know? Not as much as how to beeyave yourself--layin your -dirty fist across the mouth of a respectable woman! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. Don't provoke me to lay it acrost yours: d'ye hear? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY [with blighting contempt] Yes: you like an old man to -hit, don't you, when you've finished with the women. I ain't seen -you hit a young one yet. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [stung] You lie, you old soupkitchener, you. There was a -young man here. Did I offer to hit him or did I not? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY. Was he starvin or was he not? Was he a man or only a -crosseyed thief an a loafer? Would you hit my son-in-law's -brother? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. Who's he? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY. Todger Fairmile o Balls Pond. Him that won 20 pounds off -the Japanese wrastler at the music hall by standin out 17 minutes -4 seconds agen him. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [sullenly] I'm no music hall wrastler. Can he box? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY. Yes: an you can't. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. Wot! I can't, can't I? Wot's that you say [threatening -him]? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY [not budging an inch] Will you box Todger Fairmile if I -put him on to you? Say the word. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. [subsiding with a slouch] I'll stand up to any man alive, -if he was ten Todger Fairmiles. But I don't set up to be a -perfessional. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY [looking down on him with unfathomable disdain] YOU box! -Slap an old woman with the back o your hand! You hadn't even the -sense to hit her where a magistrate couldn't see the mark of it, -you silly young lump of conceit and ignorance. Hit a girl in the -jaw and ony make her cry! If Todger Fairmile'd done it, she -wouldn't a got up inside o ten minutes, no more than you would if -he got on to you. Yah! I'd set about you myself if I had a week's -feedin in me instead o two months starvation. [He returns to the -table to finish his meal]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [following him and stooping over him to drive the taunt in] -You lie! you have the bread and treacle in you that you come here -to beg. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY [bursting into tears] Oh God! it's true: I'm only an old -pauper on the scrap heap. [Furiously] But you'll come to it -yourself; and then you'll know. You'll come to it sooner than a -teetotaller like me, fillin yourself with gin at this hour o the -mornin! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. I'm no gin drinker, you old liar; but when I want to give -my girl a bloomin good idin I like to av a bit o devil in me: -see? An here I am, talkin to a rotten old blighter like you sted -o givin her wot for. [Working himself into a rage] I'm goin in -there to fetch her out. [He makes vengefully for the shelter -door]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY. You're goin to the station on a stretcher, more likely; -and they'll take the gin and the devil out of you there when they -get you inside. You mind what you're about: the major here is the -Earl o Stevenage's granddaughter. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [checked] Garn! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY. You'll see. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [his resolution oozing] Well, I ain't done nothin to er. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY. Spose she said you did! who'd believe you? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [very uneasy, skulking back to the corner of the penthouse] -Gawd! There's no jastice in this country. To think wot them -people can do! I'm as good as er. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY. Tell her so. It's just what a fool like you would do. -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Barbara, brisk and businesslike, comes from the shelter with a -note book, and addresses herself to Shirley. Bill, cowed, sits -down in the corner on a form, and turns his back on them. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Good morning. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY [standing up and taking off his hat] Good morning, miss. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Sit down: make yourself at home. [He hesitates; but she -puts a friendly hand on his shoulder and makes him obey]. Now -then! since you've made friends with us, we want to know all -about you. Names and addresses and trades. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY. Peter Shirley. Fitter. Chucked out two months ago -because I was too old. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [not at all surprised] You'd pass still. Why didn't you -dye your hair? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY. I did. Me age come out at a coroner's inquest on me -daughter. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Steady? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY. Teetotaller. Never out of a job before. Good worker. And -sent to the knockers like an old horse! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. No matter: if you did your part God will do his. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY [suddenly stubborn] My religion's no concern of anybody -but myself. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [guessing] I know. Secularist? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY [hotly] Did I offer to deny it? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Why should you? My own father's a Secularist, I think. -Our Father--yours and mine--fulfils himself in many ways; and I -daresay he knew what he was about when he made a Secularist of -you. So buck up, Peter! we can always find a job for a steady man -like you. [Shirley, disarmed, touches his hat. She turns from him -to Bill]. What's your name? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [insolently] Wot's that to you? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [calmly making a note] Afraid to give his name. Any -trade? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. Who's afraid to give his name? [Doggedly, with a sense of -heroically defying the House of Lords in the person of Lord -Stevenage] If you want to bring a charge agen me, bring it. [She -waits, unruffled]. My name's Bill Walker. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [as if the name were familiar: trying to remember how] -Bill Walker? [Recollecting] Oh, I know: you're the man that Jenny -Hill was praying for inside just now. [She enters his name in her -note book]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. Who's Jenny Hill? And what call has she to pray for me? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. I don't know. Perhaps it was you that cut her lip. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [defiantly] Yes, it was me that cut her lip. I ain't afraid -o you. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. How could you be, since you're not afraid of God? You're -a brave man, Mr. Walker. It takes some pluck to do our work here; -but none of us dare lift our hand against a girl like that, for -fear of her father in heaven. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [sullenly] I want none o your cantin jaw. I suppose you -think I come here to beg from you, like this damaged lot here. -Not me. I don't want your bread and scrape and catlap. I don't -believe in your Gawd, no more than you do yourself. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [sunnily apologetic and ladylike, as on a new footing -with him] Oh, I beg your pardon for putting your name down, Mr. -Walker. I didn't understand. I'll strike it out. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [taking this as a slight, and deeply wounded by it] Eah! you -let my name alone. Ain't it good enough to be in your book? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [considering] Well, you see, there's no use putting down -your name unless I can do something for you, is there? What's -your trade? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [still smarting] That's no concern o yours. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Just so. [very businesslike] I'll put you down as -[writing] the man who--struck--poor little Jenny Hill--in the -mouth. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [rising threateningly] See here. I've ad enough o this. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [quite sunny and fearless] What did you come to us for? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. I come for my girl, see? I come to take her out o this and -to break er jaws for her. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [complacently] You see I was right about your trade. -[Bill, on the point of retorting furiously, finds himself, to his -great shame and terror, in danger of crying instead. He sits down -again suddenly]. What's her name? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [dogged] Er name's Mog Abbijam: thats wot her name is. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Oh, she's gone to Canning Town, to our barracks there. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [fortified by his resentment of Mog's perfidy] is she? -[Vindictively] Then I'm goin to Kennintahn arter her. [He crosses -to the gate; hesitates; finally comes back at Barbara]. Are you -lyin to me to get shut o me? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. I don't want to get shut of you. I want to keep you here -and save your soul. You'd better stay: you're going to have a bad -time today, Bill. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. Who's goin to give it to me? You, props. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Someone you don't believe in. But you'll be glad -afterwards. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [slinking off] I'll go to Kennintahn to be out o the reach o -your tongue. [Suddenly turning on her with intense malice] And if -I don't find Mog there, I'll come back and do two years for you, -selp me Gawd if I don't! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [a shade kindlier, if possible] It's no use, Bill. She's -got another bloke. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. Wot! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. One of her own converts. He fell in love with her when -he saw her with her soul saved, and her face clean, and her hair -washed. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [surprised] Wottud she wash it for, the carroty slut? It's -red. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. It's quite lovely now, because she wears a new look in -her eyes with it. It's a pity you're too late. The new bloke has -put your nose out of joint, Bill. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. I'll put his nose out o joint for him. Not that I care a -curse for her, mind that. But I'll teach her to drop me as if I -was dirt. And I'll teach him to meddle with my Judy. Wots iz -bleedin name? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Sergeant Todger Fairmile. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY [rising with grim joy] I'll go with him, miss. I want to -see them two meet. I'll take him to the infirmary when it's over. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [to Shirley, with undissembled misgiving] Is that im you was -speakin on? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY. That's him. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. Im that wrastled in the music all? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY. The competitions at the National Sportin Club was worth -nigh a hundred a year to him. He's gev em up now for religion; so -he's a bit fresh for want of the exercise he was accustomed to. -He'll be glad to see you. Come along. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. Wots is weight? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY. Thirteen four. [Bill's last hope expires]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Go and talk to him, Bill. He'll convert you. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY. He'll convert your head into a mashed potato. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [sullenly] I ain't afraid of him. I ain't afraid of -ennybody. But he can lick me. She's done me. [He sits down -moodily on the edge of the horse trough]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY. You ain't goin. I thought not. [He resumes his seat]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [calling] Jenny! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY [appearing at the shelter door with a plaster on the corner -of her mouth] Yes, Major. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Send Rummy Mitchens out to clear away here. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY. I think she's afraid. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [her resemblance to her mother flashing out for a moment] -Nonsense! she must do as she's told. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY [calling into the shelter] Rummy: the Major says you must -come. -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Jenny comes to Barbara, purposely keeping on the side next Bill, -lest he should suppose that she shrank from him or bore malice. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Poor little Jenny! Are you tired? [Looking at the -wounded cheek] Does it hurt? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY. No: it's all right now. It was nothing. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [critically] It was as hard as he could hit, I expect. -Poor Bill! You don't feel angry with him, do you? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY. Oh no, no, no: indeed I don't, Major, bless his poor -heart! [Barbara kisses her; and she runs away merrily into the -shelter. Bill writhes with an agonizing return of his new and -alarming symptoms, but says nothing. Rummy Mitchens comes from -the shelter]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [going to meet Rummy] Now Rummy, bustle. Take in those -mugs and plates to be washed; and throw the crumbs about for the -birds. -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Rummy takes the three plates and mugs; but Shirley takes back his -mug from her, as there it still come milk left in it. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -RUMMY. There ain't any crumbs. This ain't a time to waste good -bread on birds. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -PRICE [appearing at the shelter door] Gentleman come to see the -shelter, Major. Says he's your father. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. All right. Coming. [Snobby goes back into the shelter, -followed by Barbara]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -RUMMY [stealing across to Bill and addressing him in a subdued -voice, but with intense conviction] I'd av the lor of you, you -flat eared pignosed potwalloper, if she'd let me. You're no -gentleman, to hit a lady in the face. [Bill, with greater things -moving in him, takes no notice]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY [following her] Here! in with you and don't get yourself -into more trouble by talking. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -RUMMY [with hauteur] I ain't ad the pleasure o being hintroduced -to you, as I can remember. [She goes into the shelter with the -plates]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [savagely] Don't you talk to me, d'ye hear. You lea me -alone, or I'll do you a mischief. I'm not dirt under your feet, -anyway. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY [calmly] Don't you be afeerd. You ain't such prime -company that you need expect to be sought after. [He is about to -go into the shelter when Barbara comes out, with Undershaft on -her right]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Oh there you are, Mr Shirley! [Between them] This is my -father: I told you he was a Secularist, didn't I? Perhaps you'll -be able to comfort one another. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [startled] A Secularist! Not the least in the world: -on the contrary, a confirmed mystic. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Sorry, I'm sure. By the way, papa, what is your -religion--in case I have to introduce you again? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. My religion? Well, my dear, I am a Millionaire. That -is my religion. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Then I'm afraid you and Mr Shirley wont be able to -comfort one another after all. You're not a Millionaire, are you, -Peter? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY. No; and proud of it. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [gravely] Poverty, my friend, is not a thing to be -proud of. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY [angrily] Who made your millions for you? Me and my like. -What's kep us poor? Keepin you rich. I wouldn't have your -conscience, not for all your income. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. I wouldn't have your income, not for all your -conscience, Mr Shirley. [He goes to the penthouse and sits down -on a form]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [stopping Shirley adroitly as he is about to retort] You -wouldn't think he was my father, would you, Peter? Will you go -into the shelter and lend the lasses a hand for a while: we're -worked off our feet. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY [bitterly] Yes: I'm in their debt for a meal, ain't I? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Oh, not because you're in their debt; but for love of -them, Peter, for love of them. [He cannot understand, and is -rather scandalized]. There! Don't stare at me. In with you; and -give that conscience of yours a holiday [bustling him into the -shelter]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY [as he goes in] Ah! it's a pity you never was trained to -use your reason, miss. You'd have been a very taking lecturer on -Secularism. -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Barbara turns to her father. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Never mind me, my dear. Go about your work; and let -me watch it for a while. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. All right. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. For instance, what's the matter with that out-patient -over there? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [looking at Bill, whose attitude has never changed, and -whose expression of brooding wrath has deepened] Oh, we shall -cure him in no time. Just watch. [She goes over to Bill and -waits. He glances up at her and casts his eyes down again, -uneasy, but grimmer than ever]. It would be nice to just stamp on -Mog Habbijam's face, wouldn't it, Bill? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [starting up from the trough in consternation] It's a lie: I -never said so. [She shakes her head]. Who told you wot was in my -mind? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Only your new friend. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. Wot new friend? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. The devil, Bill. When he gets round people they get -miserable, just like you. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -HILL [with a heartbreaking attempt at devil-may-care -cheerfulness] I ain't miserable. [He sits down again, and -stretches his legs in an attempt to seem indifferent]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Well, if you're happy, why don't you look happy, as we -do? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [his legs curling back in spite of him] I'm appy enough, I -tell you. Why don't you lea me alown? Wot av I done to you? I -ain't smashed your face, av I? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [softly: wooing his soul] It's not me that's getting at -you, Bill. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. Who else is it? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Somebody that doesn't intend you to smash women's faces, -I suppose. Somebody or something that wants to make a man of you. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [blustering] Make a man o ME! Ain't I a man? eh? ain't I a -man? Who sez I'm not a man? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. There's a man in you somewhere, I suppose. But why did -he let you hit poor little Jenny Hill? That wasn't very manly of -him, was it? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [tormented] Av done with it, I tell you. Chock it. I'm sick -of your Jenny Ill and er silly little face. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Then why do you keep thinking about it? Why does it keep -coming up against you in your mind? You're not getting converted, -are you? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [with conviction] Not ME. Not likely. Not arf. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. That's right, Bill. Hold out against it. Put out your -strength. Don't let's get you cheap. Todger Fairmile said he -wrestled for three nights against his Salvation harder than he -ever wrestled with the Jap at the music hall. He gave in to the -Jap when his arm was going to break. But he didn't give in to his -salvation until his heart was going to break. Perhaps you'll -escape that. You haven't any heart, have you? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. Wot dye mean? Wy ain't I got a art the same as ennybody -else? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. A man with a heart wouldn't have bashed poor little -Jenny's face, would he? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [almost crying] Ow, will you lea me alown? Av I ever offered -to meddle with you, that you come noggin and provowkin me lawk -this? [He writhes convulsively from his eyes to his toes]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [with a steady soothing hand on his arm and a gentle -voice that never lets him go] It's your soul that's hurting you, -Bill, and not me. We've been through it all ourselves. Come with -us, Bill. [He looks wildly round]. To brave manhood on earth and -eternal glory in heaven. [He is on the point of breaking down]. -Come. [A drum is heard in the shelter; and Bill, with a gasp, -escapes from the spell as Barbara turns quickly. Adolphus enters -from the shelter with a big drum]. Oh! there you are, Dolly. Let -me introduce a new friend of mine, Mr Bill Walker. This is my -bloke, Bill: Mr Cusins. [Cusins salutes with his drumstick]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. Goin to marry im? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Yes. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [fervently] Gawd elp im! Gawd elp im! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Why? Do you think he won't be happy with me? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. I've only ad to stand it for a mornin: e'll av to stand it -for a lifetime. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. That is a frightful reflection, Mr Walker. But I can't -tear myself away from her. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. Well, I can. [To Barbara] Eah! do you know where I'm goin -to, and wot I'm goin to do? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Yes: you're going to heaven; and you're coming back here -before the week's out to tell me so. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. You lie. I'm goin to Kennintahn, to spit in Todger -Fairmile's eye. I bashed Jenny Ill's face; and now I'll get me -own face bashed and come back and show it to er. E'll it me -ardern I it er. That'll make us square. [To Adolphus] Is that -fair or is it not? You're a genlmn: you oughter know. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Two black eyes wont make one white one, Bill. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. I didn't ast you. Cawn't you never keep your mahth shut? I -ast the genlmn. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [reflectively] Yes: I think you're right, Mr Walker. Yes: -I should do it. It's curious: it's exactly what an ancient Greek -would have done. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. But what good will it do? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Well, it will give Mr Fairmile some exercise; and it will -satisfy Mr Walker's soul. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. Rot! there ain't no sach a thing as a soul. Ah kin you tell -wether I've a soul or not? You never seen it. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. I've seen it hurting you when you went against it. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [with compressed aggravation] If you was my girl and took -the word out o me mahth lawk thet, I'd give you suthink you'd -feel urtin, so I would. [To Adolphus] You take my tip, mate. Stop -er jawr; or you'll die afore your time. [With intense expression] -Wore aht: thets wot you'll be: wore aht. [He goes away through -the gate]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [looking after him] I wonder! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Dolly! [indignant, in her mother's manner]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Yes, my dear, it's very wearing to be in love with you. -If it lasts, I quite think I shall die young. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Should you mind? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Not at all. [He is suddenly softened, and kisses her over -the drum, evidently not for the first time, as people cannot kiss -over a big drum without practice. Undershaft coughs]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. It's all right, papa, we've not forgotten you. Dolly: -explain the place to papa: I haven't time. [She goes busily into -the shelter]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -Undershaft and Adolpbus now have the yard to themselves. -Undershaft, seated on a form, and still keenly attentive, looks -hard at Adolphus. Adolphus looks hard at him. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. I fancy you guess something of what is in my mind, Mr -Cusins. [Cusins flourishes his drumsticks as if in the art of -beating a lively rataplan, but makes no sound]. Exactly so. But -suppose Barbara finds you out! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. You know, I do not admit that I am imposing on Barbara. I -am quite genuinely interested in the views of the Salvation Army. -The fact is, I am a sort of collector of religions; and the -curious thing is that I find I can believe them all. By the way, -have you any religion? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Yes. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Anything out of the common? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Only that there are two things necessary to -Salvation. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [disappointed, but polite] Ah, the Church Catechism. -Charles Lomax also belongs to the Established Church. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. The two things are-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Baptism and-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. No. Money and gunpowder. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [surprised, but interested] That is the general opinion of -our governing classes. The novelty is in hearing any man confess -it. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Just so. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Excuse me: is there any place in your religion for honor, -justice, truth, love, mercy and so forth? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Yes: they are the graces and luxuries of a rich, -strong, and safe life. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Suppose one is forced to choose between them and money or -gunpowder? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Choose money and gunpowder; for without enough of -both you cannot afford the others. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. That is your religion? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Yes. -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -The cadence of this reply makes a full close in the conversation. -Cusins twists his face dubiously and contemplates Undershaft. -Undershaft contemplates him. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Barbara won't stand that. You will have to choose between -your religion and Barbara. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. So will you, my friend. She will find out that that -drum of yours is hollow. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Father Undershaft: you are mistaken: I am a sincere -Salvationist. You do not understand the Salvation Army. It is the -army of joy, of love, of courage: it has banished the fear and -remorse and despair of the old hellridden evangelical sects: it -marches to fight the devil with trumpet and drum, with music and -dancing, with banner and palm, as becomes a sally from heaven by -its happy garrison. It picks the waster out of the public house -and makes a man of him: it finds a worm wriggling in a back -kitchen, and lo! a woman! Men and women of rank too, sons and -daughters of the Highest. It takes the poor professor of Greek, -the most artificial and self-suppressed of human creatures, from -his meal of roots, and lets loose the rhapsodist in him; reveals -the true worship of Dionysos to him; sends him down the public -street drumming dithyrambs [he plays a thundering flourish on the -drum]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. You will alarm the shelter. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Oh, they are accustomed to these sudden ecstasies of -piety. However, if the drum worries you-- [he pockets the -drumsticks; unhooks the drum; and stands it on the ground -opposite the gateway]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Thank you. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. You remember what Euripides says about your money and -gunpowder? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. No. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [declaiming] -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> - One and another<BR> -In money and guns may outpass his brother;<BR> -And men in their millions float and flow<BR> -And seethe with a million hopes as leaven;<BR> -And they win their will; or they miss their will;<BR> -And their hopes are dead or are pined for still:<BR> - But whoe'er can know<BR> - As the long days go<BR> -That to live is happy, has found his heaven.<BR> -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> - My translation: what do you think of it? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. I think, my friend, that if you wish to know, -as the long days go, that to live is happy, you must first -acquire money enough for a decent life, and power enough to be -your own master. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. You are damnably discouraging. [He resumes his -declamation]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> - Is it so hard a thing to see<BR> - That the spirit of God--whate'er it be--<BR> -The Law that abides and changes not, ages long,<BR> -The Eternal and Nature-born: these things be strong.<BR> -What else is Wisdom? What of Man's endeavor,<BR> -Or God's high grace so lovely and so great?<BR> -To stand from fear set free? to breathe and wait?<BR> -To hold a hand uplifted over Fate?<BR> -And shall not Barbara be loved for ever?<BR> -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Euripides mentions Barbara, does he? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. It is a fair translation. The word means Loveliness. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. May I ask--as Barbara's father--how much a year she -is to be loved for ever on? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. As Barbara's father, that is more your affair than mine. -I can feed her by teaching Greek: that is about all. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Do you consider it a good match for her? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [with polite obstinacy] Mr Undershaft: I am in many ways a -weak, timid, ineffectual person; and my health is far from -satisfactory. But whenever I feel that I must have anything, I -get it, sooner or later. I feel that way about Barbara. I don't -like marriage: I feel intensely afraid of it; and I don't know -what I shall do with Barbara or what she will do with me. But I -feel that I and nobody else must marry her. Please regard that as -settled.--Not that I wish to be arbitrary; but why should I waste -your time in discussing what is inevitable? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. You mean that you will stick at nothing not even the -conversion of the Salvation Army to the worship of Dionysos. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. The business of the Salvation Army is to save, not to -wrangle about the name of the pathfinder. Dionysos or another: -what does it matter? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [rising and approaching him] Professor Cusins you are -a young man after my own heart. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Mr Undershaft: you are, as far as I am able to gather, a -most infernal old rascal; but you appeal very strongly to my -sense of ironic humor. -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Undershaft mutely offers his hand. They shake. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [suddenly concentrating himself] And now to business. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Pardon me. We were discussing religion. Why go back to -such an uninteresting and unimportant subject as business? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Religion is our business at present, because it is -through religion alone that we can win Barbara. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Have you, too, fallen in love with Barbara? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Yes, with a father's love. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. A father's love for a grown-up daughter is the most -dangerous of all infatuations. I apologize for mentioning my own -pale, coy, mistrustful fancy in the same breath with it. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Keep to the point. We have to win her; and we are -neither of us Methodists. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. That doesn't matter. The power Barbara wields here--the -power that wields Barbara herself--is not Calvinism, not -Presbyterianism, not Methodism-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Not Greek Paganism either, eh? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. I admit that. Barbara is quite original in her religion. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [triumphantly] Aha! Barbara Undershaft would be. Her -inspiration comes from within herself. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. How do you suppose it got there? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [in towering excitement] It is the Undershaft -inheritance. I shall hand on my torch to my daughter. She shall -make my converts and preach my gospel. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. What! Money and gunpowder! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Yes, money and gunpowder; freedom and power; command -of life and command of death. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [urbanely: trying to bring him down to earth] This is -extremely interesting, Mr Undershaft. Of course you know that you -are mad. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [with redoubled force] And you? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Oh, mad as a hatter. You are welcome to my secret since I -have discovered yours. But I am astonished. Can a madman make -cannons? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Would anyone else than a madman make them? And now -[with surging energy] question for question. Can a sane man -translate Euripides? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. No. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [reining him by the shoulder] Can a sane woman make a -man of a waster or a woman of a worm? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [reeling before the storm] Father Colossus--Mammoth -Millionaire-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [pressing him] Are there two mad people or three in -this Salvation shelter to-day? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. You mean Barbara is as mad as we are! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [pushing him lightly off and resuming his equanimity -suddenly and completely] Pooh, Professor! let us call things by -their proper names. I am a millionaire; you are a poet; Barbara -is a savior of souls. What have we three to do with the common -mob of slaves and idolaters? [He sits down again with a shrug of -contempt for the mob]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Take care! Barbara is in love with the common people. So -am I. Have you never felt the romance of that love? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [cold and sardonic] Have you ever been in love with -Poverty, like St Francis? Have you ever been in love with Dirt, -like St Simeon? Have you ever been in love with disease and -suffering, like our nurses and philanthropists? Such passions are -not virtues, but the most unnatural of all the vices. This love -of the common people may please an earl's granddaughter and a -university professor; but I have been a common man and a poor -man; and it has no romance for me. Leave it to the poor to -pretend that poverty is a blessing: leave it to the coward to -make a religion of his cowardice by preaching humility: we know -better than that. We three must stand together above the common -people: how else can we help their children to climb up beside -us? Barbara must belong to us, not to the Salvation Army. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Well, I can only say that if you think you will get her -away from the Salvation Army by talking to her as you have been -talking to me, you don't know Barbara. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. My friend: I never ask for what I can buy. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [in a white fury] Do I understand you to imply that you -can buy Barbara? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. No; but I can buy the Salvation Army. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Quite impossible. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. You shall see. All religious organizations exist by -selling themselves to the rich. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Not the Army. That is the Church of the poor. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. All the more reason for buying it. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. I don't think you quite know what the Army does for the -poor. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Oh yes I do. It draws their teeth: that is enough for -me--as a man of business-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Nonsense! It makes them sober-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. I prefer sober workmen. The profits are larger. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. --honest-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Honest workmen are the most economical. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. --attached to their homes-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. So much the better: they will put up with anything -sooner than change their shop. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. --happy-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. An invaluable safeguard against revolution. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. --unselfish-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Indifferent to their own interests, which suits me -exactly. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. --with their thoughts on heavenly things-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [rising] And not on Trade Unionism nor Socialism. -Excellent. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [revolted] You really are an infernal old rascal. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [indicating Peter Shirley, who has just came from the -shelter and strolled dejectedly down the yard between them] And -this is an honest man! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY. Yes; and what av I got by it? [he passes on bitterly and -sits on the form, in the corner of the penthouse]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Snobby Price, beaming sanctimoniously, and Jenny Hill, with a -tambourine full of coppers, come from the shelter and go to the -drum, on which Jenny begins to count the money. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [replying to Shirley] Oh, your employers must have got -a good deal by it from first to last. [He sits on the table, with -one foot on the side form. Cusins, overwhelmed, sits down on the -same form nearer the shelter. Barbara comes from the shelter to -the middle of the yard. She is excited and a little overwrought]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. We've just had a splendid experience meeting at the -other gate in Cripps's lane. I've hardly ever seen them so much -moved as they were by your confession, Mr Price. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -PRICE. I could almost be glad of my past wickedness if I could -believe that it would elp to keep hathers stright. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. So it will, Snobby. How much, Jenny? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY. Four and tenpence, Major. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Oh Snobby, if you had given your poor mother just one -more kick, we should have got the whole five shillings! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -PRICE. If she heard you say that, miss, she'd be sorry I didn't. -But I'm glad. Oh what a joy it will be to her when she hears I'm -saved! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Shall I contribute the odd twopence, Barbara? The -millionaire's mite, eh? [He takes a couple of pennies from his -pocket.] -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. How did you make that twopence? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. As usual. By selling cannons, torpedoes, submarines, -and my new patent Grand Duke hand grenade. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Put it back in your pocket. You can't buy your Salvation -here for twopence: you must work it out. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Is twopence not enough? I can afford a little more, -if you press me. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Two million millions would not be enough. There is bad -blood on your hands; and nothing but good blood can cleanse them. -Money is no use. Take it away. [She turns to Cusins]. Dolly: you -must write another letter for me to the papers. [He makes a wry -face]. Yes: I know you don't like it; but it must be done. The -starvation this winter is beating us: everybody is unemployed. -The General says we must close this shelter if we cant get more -money. I force the collections at the meetings until I am -ashamed, don't I, Snobby? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -PRICE. It's a fair treat to see you work it, miss. The way you -got them up from three-and-six to four-and-ten with that hymn, -penny by penny and verse by verse, was a caution. Not a Cheap -Jack on Mile End Waste could touch you at it. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Yes; but I wish we could do without it. I am getting at -last to think more of the collection than of the people's souls. -And what are those hatfuls of pence and halfpence? We want -thousands! tens of thousands! hundreds of thousands! I want to -convert people, not to be always begging for the Army in a way -I'd die sooner than beg for myself. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [in profound irony] Genuine unselfishness is capable -of anything, my dear. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [unsuspectingly, as she turns away to take the money -from the drum and put it in a cash bag she carries] Yes, isn't -it? [Undershaft looks sardonically at Cusins]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [aside to Undershaft] Mephistopheles! Machiavelli! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [tears coming into her eyes as she ties the bag and -pockets it] How are we to feed them? I can't talk religion to a -man with bodily hunger in his eyes. [Almost breaking down] It's -frightful. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY [running to her] Major, dear-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [rebounding] No: don't comfort me. It will be all right. -We shall get the money. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. How? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY. By praying for it, of course. Mrs Baines says she prayed -for it last night; and she has never prayed for it in vain: never -once. [She goes to the gate and looks out into the street]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [who has dried her eyes and regained her composure] By -the way, dad, Mrs Baines has come to march with us to our big -meeting this afternoon; and she is very anxious to meet you, for -some reason or other. Perhaps she'll convert you. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. I shall be delighted, my dear. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY [at the gate: excitedly] Major! Major! Here's that man back -again. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. What man? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY. The man that hit me. Oh, I hope he's coming back to join -us. -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Bill Walker, with frost on his jacket, comes through the gate, -his hands deep in his pockets and his chin sunk between his -shoulders, like a cleaned-out gambler. He halts between Barbara -and the drum. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Hullo, Bill! Back already! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [nagging at her] Bin talkin ever sense, av you? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Pretty nearly. Well, has Todger paid you out for poor -Jenny's jaw? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. NO he ain't. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. I thought your jacket looked a bit snowy. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. So it is snowy. You want to know where the snow come from, -don't you? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Yes. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. Well, it come from off the ground in Parkinses Corner in -Kennintahn. It got rubbed off be my shoulders see? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Pity you didn't rub some off with your knees, Bill! That -would have done you a lot of good. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [with your mirthless humor] I was saving another man's knees -at the time. E was kneelin on my ed, so e was. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY. Who was kneeling on your head? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. Todger was. E was prayin for me: prayin comfortable with me -as a carpet. So was Mog. So was the ole bloomin meetin. Mog she -sez "O Lord break is stubborn spirit; but don't urt is dear art." -That was wot she said. "Don't urt is dear art"! An er bloke--thirteen -stun four!--kneelin wiv all is weight on me. Funny, ain't it? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY. Oh no. We're so sorry, Mr Walker. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [enjoying it frankly] Nonsense! of course it's funny. -Served you right, Bill! You must have done something to him -first. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [doggedly] I did wot I said I'd do. I spit in is eye. E -looks up at the sky and sez, "O that I should be fahnd worthy to -be spit upon for the gospel's sake!" a sez; an Mog sez "Glory -Allelloolier!"; an then a called me Brother, an dahned me as if I -was a kid and a was me mother washin me a Setterda nawt. I adn't -just no show wiv im at all. Arf the street prayed; an the tother -arf larfed fit to split theirselves. [To Barbara] There! are you -settisfawd nah? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [her eyes dancing] Wish I'd been there, Bill. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. Yes: you'd a got in a hextra bit o talk on me, wouldn't -you? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY. I'm so sorry, Mr. Walker. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [fiercely] Don't you go bein sorry for me: you've no call. -Listen ere. I broke your jawr. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY. No, it didn't hurt me: indeed it didn't, except for a -moment. It was only that I was frightened. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. I don't want to be forgive be you, or be ennybody. Wot I -did I'll pay for. I tried to get me own jawr broke to settisfaw -you-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY [distressed] Oh no-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [impatiently] Tell y'I did: cawn't you listen to wot's bein -told you? All I got be it was bein made a sight of in the public -street for me pains. Well, if I cawn't settisfaw you one way, I -can another. Listen ere! I ad two quid saved agen the frost; an -I've a pahnd of it left. A mate n mine last week ad words with -the Judy e's goin to marry. E give er wot-for; an e's bin fined -fifteen bob. E ad a right to it er because they was goin to be -marrid; but I adn't no right to it you; so put anather fawv bob -on an call it a pahnd's worth. [He produces a sovereign]. Ere's -the money. Take it; and let's av no more o your forgivin an -prayin and your Major jawrin me. Let wot I done be done and paid -for; and let there be a end of it. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY. Oh, I couldn't take it, Mr. Walker. But if you would give -a shilling or two to poor Rummy Mitchens! you really did hurt -her; and she's old. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [contemptuously] Not likely. I'd give her anather as soon as -look at er. Let her av the lawr o me as she threatened! She ain't -forgiven me: not mach. Wot I done to er is not on me mawnd--wot -she [indicating Barbara] might call on me conscience--no more -than stickin a pig. It's this Christian game o yours that I won't -av played agen me: this bloomin forgivin an noggin an jawrin that -makes a man that sore that iz lawf's a burdn to im. I won't av -it, I tell you; so take your money and stop throwin your silly -bashed face hup agen me. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY. Major: may I take a little of it for the Army? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. No: the Army is not to be bought. We want your soul, -Bill; and we'll take nothing less. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [bitterly] I know. It ain't enough. Me an me few shillins is -not good enough for you. You're a earl's grendorter, you are. -Nothin less than a underd pahnd for you. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Come, Barbara! you could do a great deal of good with -a hundred pounds. If you will set this gentleman's mind at ease -by taking his pound, I will give the other ninety-nine [Bill, -astounded by such opulence, instinctively touches his cap]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Oh, you're too extravagant, papa. Bill offers twenty -pieces of silver. All you need offer is the other ten. That will -make the standard price to buy anybody who's for sale. I'm not; -and the Army's not. [To Bill] You'll never have another quiet -moment, Bill, until you come round to us. You can't stand out -against your salvation. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [sullenly] I cawn't stend aht agen music all wrastlers and -artful tongued women. I've offered to pay. I can do no more. Take -it or leave it. There it is. [He throws the sovereign on the -drum, and sits down on the horse-trough. The coin fascinates -Snobby Price, who takes an early opportunity of dropping his cap -on it]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Mrs Baines comes from the shelter. She is dressed as a Salvation -Army Commissioner. She is an earnest looking woman of about 40, -with a caressing, urgent voice, and an appealing manner. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. This is my father, Mrs Baines. [Undershaft comes from -the table, taking his hat off with marked civility]. Try what you -can do with him. He won't listen to me, because he remembers what -a fool I was when I was a baby. -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -[She leaves them together and chats with Jenny]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -MRS BAINES. Have you been shown over the shelter, Mr Undershaft? -You know the work we're doing, of course. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [very civilly] The whole nation knows it, Mrs Baines. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -MRS BAINES. No, Sir: the whole nation does not know it, or we -should not be crippled as we are for want of money to carry our -work through the length and breadth of the land. Let me tell you -that there would have been rioting this winter in London but for -us. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. You really think so? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -MRS BAINES. I know it. I remember 1886, when you rich gentlemen -hardened your hearts against the cry of the poor. They broke the -windows of your clubs in Pall Mall. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [gleaming with approval of their method] And the -Mansion House Fund went up next day from thirty thousand pounds -to seventy-nine thousand! I remember quite well. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -MRS BAINES. Well, won't you help me to get at the people? They -won't break windows then. Come here, Price. Let me show you to -this gentleman [Price comes to be inspected]. Do you remember the -window breaking? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -PRICE. My ole father thought it was the revolution, ma'am. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -MRS BAINES. Would you break windows now? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -PRICE. Oh no ma'm. The windows of eaven av bin opened to me. I -know now that the rich man is a sinner like myself. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -RUMMY [appearing above at the loft door] Snobby Price! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SNOBBY. Wot is it? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -RUMMY. Your mother's askin for you at the other gate in Crippses -Lane. She's heard about your confession [Price turns pale]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -MRS BAINES. Go, Mr. Price; and pray with her. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY. You can go through the shelter, Snobby. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -PRICE [to Mrs Baines] I couldn't face her now; ma'am, with all -the weight of my sins fresh on me. Tell her she'll find her son -at ome, waitin for her in prayer. [He skulks off through the -gate, incidentally stealing the sovereign on his way out by -picking up his cap from the drum]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -MRS BAINES [with swimming eyes] You see how we take the anger and -the bitterness against you out of their hearts, Mr Undershaft. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. It is certainly most convenient and gratifying to all -large employers of labor, Mrs Baines. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -MRS BAINES. Barbara: Jenny: I have good news: most wonderful -news. [Jenny runs to her]. My prayers have been answered. I told -you they would, Jenny, didn't I? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY. Yes, yes. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [moving nearer to the drum] Have we got money enough to -keep the shelter open? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -MRS BAINES. I hope we shall have enough to keep all the shelters -open. Lord Saxmundham has promised us five thousand pounds-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Hooray! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY. Glory! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -MRS BAINES. --if-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. "If!" If what? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -MRS BAINES. If five other gentlemen will give a thousand each to -make it up to ten thousand. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Who is Lord Saxmundham? I never heard of him. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [who has pricked up his ears at the peer's name, and -is now watching Barbara curiously] A new creation, my dear. You -have heard of Sir Horace Bodger? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Bodger! Do you mean the distiller? Bodger's whisky! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. That is the man. He is one of the greatest of our -public benefactors. He restored the cathedral at Hakington. They -made him a baronet for that. He gave half a million to the funds -of his party: they made him a baron for that. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY. What will they give him for the five thousand? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. There is nothing left to give him. So the five -thousand, I should think, is to save his soul. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -MRS BAINES. Heaven grant it may! Oh Mr. Undershaft, you have some -very rich friends. Can't you help us towards the other five -thousand? We are going to hold a great meeting this afternoon at -the Assembly Hall in the Mile End Road. If I could only announce -that one gentleman had come forward to support Lord Saxmundham, -others would follow. Don't you know somebody? Couldn't you? -Wouldn't you? [her eyes fill with tears] oh, think of those poor -people, Mr Undershaft: think of how much it means to them, and -how little to a great man like you. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [sardonically gallant] Mrs Baines: you are -irresistible. I can't disappoint you; and I can't deny myself the -satisfaction of making Bodger pay up. You shall have your five -thousand pounds. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -MRS BAINES. Thank God! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. You don't thank me? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -MRS BAINES. Oh sir, don't try to be cynical: don't be ashamed of -being a good man. The Lord will bless you abundantly; and our -prayers will be like a strong fortification round you all the -days of your life. [With a touch of caution] You will let me have -the cheque to show at the meeting, won't you? Jenny: go in and -fetch a pen and ink. [Jenny runs to the shelter door]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Do not disturb Miss Hill: I have a fountain pen. -[Jenny halts. He sits at the table and writes the cheque. Cusins -rises to make more room for him. They all watch him silently]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [cynically, aside to Barbara, his voice and accent horribly -debased] Wot prawce Selvytion nah? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Stop. [Undershaft stops writing: they all turn to her in -surprise]. Mrs Baines: are you really going to take this money? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -MRS BAINES [astonished] Why not, dear? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Why not! Do you know what my father is? Have you -forgotten that Lord Saxmundham is Bodger the whisky man? Do you -remember how we implored the County Council to stop him from -writing Bodger's Whisky in letters of fire against the sky; so -that the poor drinkruined creatures on the embankment could not -wake up from their snatches of sleep without being reminded of -their deadly thirst by that wicked sky sign? Do you know that the -worst thing I have had to fight here is not the devil, but -Bodger, Bodger, Bodger, with his whisky, his distilleries, and -his tied houses? Are you going to make our shelter another tied -house for him, and ask me to keep it? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. Rotten drunken whisky it is too. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -MRS BAINES. Dear Barbara: Lord Saxmundham has a soul to be saved -like any of us. If heaven has found the way to make a good use of -his money, are we to set ourselves up against the answer to our -prayers? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. I know he has a soul to be saved. Let him come down -here; and I'll do my best to help him to his salvation. But he -wants to send his cheque down to buy us, and go on being as -wicked as ever. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [with a reasonableness which Cusins alone perceives to -be ironical] My dear Barbara: alcohol is a very necessary -article. It heals the sick-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. It does nothing of the sort. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Well, it assists the doctor: that is perhaps a less -questionable way of putting it. It makes life bearable to -millions of people who could not endure their existence if they -were quite sober. It enables Parliament to do things at eleven at -night that no sane person would do at eleven in the morning. Is -it Bodger's fault that this inestimable gift is deplorably abused -by less than one per cent of the poor? [He turns again to the -table; signs the cheque; and crosses it]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -MRS BAINES. Barbara: will there be less drinking or more if all -those poor souls we are saving come to-morrow and find the doors -of our shelters shut in their faces? Lord Saxmundham gives us the -money to stop drinking--to take his own business from him. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [impishly] Pure self-sacrifice on Bodger's part, clearly! -Bless dear Bodger! [Barbara almost breaks down as Adolpbus, too, -fails her]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [tearing out the cheque and pocketing the book as he -rises and goes past Cusins to Mrs Baines] I also, Mrs Baines, may -claim a little disinterestedness. Think of my business! think of -the widows and orphans! the men and lads torn to pieces with -shrapnel and poisoned with lyddite [Mrs Baines shrinks; but he -goes on remorselessly]! the oceans of blood, not one drop of -which is shed in a really just cause! the ravaged crops! the -peaceful peasants forced, women and men, to till their fields -under the fire of opposing armies on pain of starvation! the bad -blood of the fierce little cowards at home who egg on others to -fight for the gratification of their national vanity! All this -makes money for me: I am never richer, never busier than when the -papers are full of it. Well, it is your work to preach peace on -earth and goodwill to men. [Mrs Baines's face lights up again]. -Every convert you make is a vote against war. [Her lips move in -prayer]. Yet I give you this money to help you to hasten my own -commercial ruin. [He gives her the cheque]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [mounting the form in an ecstasy of mischief] The -millennium will be inaugurated by the unselfishness of Undershaft -and Bodger. Oh be joyful! [He takes the drumsticks from his -pockets and flourishes them]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -MRS BAINES [taking the cheque] The longer I live the more proof I -see that there is an Infinite Goodness that turns everything to -the work of salvation sooner or later. Who would have thought -that any good could have come out of war and drink? And yet their -profits are brought today to the feet of salvation to do its -blessed work. [She is affected to tears]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY [running to Mrs Baines and throwing her arms round her] Oh -dear! how blessed, how glorious it all is! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [in a convulsion of irony] Let us seize this unspeakable -moment. Let us march to the great meeting at once. Excuse me just -an instant. [He rushes into the shelter. Jenny takes her -tambourine from the drum head]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -MRS BAINES. Mr Undershaft: have you ever seen a thousand people -fall on their knees with one impulse and pray? Come with us to -the meeting. Barbara shall tell them that the Army is saved, and -saved through you. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [returning impetuously from the shelter with a flag and a -trombone, and coming between Mrs Baines and Undershaft] You shall -carry the flag down the first street, Mrs Baines [he gives her -the flag]. Mr Undershaft is a gifted trombonist: he shall intone -an Olympian diapason to the West Ham Salvation March. [Aside to -Undershaft, as he forces the trombone on him] Blow, Machiavelli, -blow. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [aside to him, as he takes the trombone] The trumpet -in Zion! [Cusins rushes to the drum, which he takes up and puts -on. Undershaft continues, aloud] I will do my best. I could vamp -a bass if I knew the tune. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. It is a wedding chorus from one of Donizetti's operas; -but we have converted it. We convert everything to good here, -including Bodger. You remember the chorus. "For thee immense -rejoicing--immenso giubilo--immenso giubilo." [With drum -obbligato] Rum tum ti tum tum, tum tum ti ta-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Dolly: you are breaking my heart. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. What is a broken heart more or less here? Dionysos -Undershaft has descended. I am possessed. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -MRS BAINES. Come, Barbara: I must have my dear Major to carry the -flag with me. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY. Yes, yes, Major darling. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [snatches the tambourine out of Jenny's hand and mutely -offers it to Barbara]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [coming forward a little as she puts the offer behind her -with a shudder, whilst Cusins recklessly tosses the tambourine -back to Jenny and goes to the gate] I can't come. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY. Not come! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -MRS BAINES [with tears in her eyes] Barbara: do you think -I am wrong to take the money? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [impulsively going to her and kissing her] No, no: -God help you, dear, you must: you are saving the Army. Go; and -may you have a great meeting! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY. But arn't you coming? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. No. [She begins taking off the silver brooch from her -collar]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -MRS BAINES. Barbara: what are you doing? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY. Why are you taking your badge off? You can't be going to -leave us, Major. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [quietly] Father: come here. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [coming to her] My dear! [Seeing that she is going to -pin the badge on his collar, he retreats to the penthouse in some -alarm]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [following him] Don't be frightened. [She pins the badge -on and steps back towards the table, showing him to the others] -There! It's not much for 5000 pounds is it? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -MRS BAINES. Barbara: if you won't come and pray with us, promise -me you will pray for us. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. I can't pray now. Perhaps I shall never pray again. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -MRS BAINES. Barbara! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY. Major! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [almost delirious] I can't bear any more. Quick march! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [calling to the procession in the street outside] Off we -go. Play up, there! Immenso giubilo. [He gives the time with his -drum; and the band strikes up the march, which rapidly becomes -more distant as the procession moves briskly away]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -MRS BAINES. I must go, dear. You're overworked: you will be all -right tomorrow. We'll never lose you. Now Jenny: step out with -the old flag. Blood and Fire! [She marches out through the gate -with her flag]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -JENNY. Glory Hallelujah! [flourishing her tambourine and -marching]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [to Cusins, as he marches out past him easing the -slide of his trombone] "My ducats and my daughter"! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [following him out] Money and gunpowder! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Drunkenness and Murder! My God: why hast thou forsaken -me? -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -She sinks on the form with her face buried in her hands. The -march passes away into silence. Bill Walker steals across to her. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [taunting] Wot prawce Selvytion nah? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY. Don't you hit her when she's down. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. She it me wen aw wiz dahn. Waw shouldn't I git a bit o me -own back? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [raising her head] I didn't take your money, Bill. [She -crosses the yard to the gate and turns her back on the two men to -hide her face from them]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [sneering after her] Naow, it warn't enough for you. -[Turning to the drum, he misses the money]. Ellow! If you ain't -took it summun else az. Were's it gorn? Blame me if Jenny Ill -didn't take it arter all! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -RUMMY [screaming at him from the loft] You lie, you dirty -blackguard! Snobby Price pinched it off the drum wen e took ap iz -cap. I was ap ere all the time an see im do it. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL. Wot! Stowl maw money! Waw didn't you call thief on him, you -silly old mucker you? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -RUMMY. To serve you aht for ittin me acrost the face. It's cost -y'pahnd, that az. [Raising a paean of squalid triumph] I done -you. I'm even with you. I've ad it aht o y--. [Bill snatches up -Shirley's mug and hurls it at her. She slams the loft door and -vanishes. The mug smashes against the door and falls in -fragments]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [beginning to chuckle] Tell us, ole man, wot o'clock this -morrun was it wen im as they call Snobby Prawce was sived? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [turning to him more composedly, and with unspoiled -sweetness] About half past twelve, Bill. And he pinched your -pound at a quarter to two. I know. Well, you can't afford to lose -it. I'll send it to you. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [his voice and accent suddenly improving] Not if I was to -starve for it. I ain't to be bought. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY. Ain't you? You'd sell yourself to the devil for a pint o -beer; ony there ain't no devil to make the offer. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [unshamed] So I would, mate, and often av, cheerful. But she -cawn't buy me. [Approaching Barbara] You wanted my soul, did you? -Well, you ain't got it. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. I nearly got it, Bill. But we've sold it back to you for -ten thousand pounds. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY. And dear at the money! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. No, Peter: it was worth more than money. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [salvationproof] It's no good: you cawn't get rahnd me nah. -I don't blieve in it; and I've seen today that I was right. -[Going] So long, old soupkitchener! Ta, ta, Major Earl's Grendorter! -[Turning at the gate] Wot prawce Selvytion nah? Snobby Prawce! -Ha! ha! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [offering her hand] Goodbye, Bill. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILL [taken aback, half plucks his cap off then shoves it on -again defiantly] Git aht. [Barbara drops her hand, discouraged. -He has a twinge of remorse]. But thet's aw rawt, you knaow. -Nathink pasnl. Naow mellice. So long, Judy. [He goes]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. No malice. So long, Bill. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY [shaking his head] You make too much of him, miss, in -your innocence. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [going to him] Peter: I'm like you now. Cleaned out, and -lost my job. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY. You've youth an hope. That's two better than me. That's -hope for you. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. I'll get you a job, Peter, the youth will have to be -enough for me. [She counts her money]. I have just enough left -for two teas at Lockharts, a Rowton doss for you, and my tram and -bus home. [He frowns and rises with offended pride. She takes his -arm]. Don't be proud, Peter: it's sharing between friends. And -promise me you'll talk to me and not let me cry. [She draws him -towards the gate]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY. Well, I'm not accustomed to talk to the like of you-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [urgently] Yes, yes: you must talk to me. Tell me about -Tom Paine's books and Bradlaugh's lectures. Come along. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SHIRLEY. Ah, if you would only read Tom Paine in the proper -spirit, miss! [They go out through the gate together]. -</P> - -<BR><BR><BR> - -<H3 ALIGN="center"> -ACT III -</H3> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Next day after lunch Lady Britomart is writing in the library in -Wilton Crescent. Sarah is reading in the armchair near the -window. Barbara, in ordinary dress, pale and brooding, is on the -settee. Charley Lomax enters. Coming forward between the settee -and the writing table, he starts on seeing Barbara fashionably -attired and in low spirits. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX. You've left off your uniform! -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Barbara says nothing; but an expression of pain passes over -her face. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [warning him in low tones to be careful] Charles! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [much concerned, sitting down sympathetically on the settee -beside Barbara] I'm awfully sorry, Barbara. You know I helped you -all I could with the concertina and so forth. [Momentously] -Still, I have never shut my eyes to the fact that there is a -certain amount of tosh about the Salvation Army. Now the claims -of the Church of England-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. That's enough, Charles. Speak of something suited -to your mental capacity. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX. But surely the Church of England is suited to all our -capacities. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [pressing his hand] Thank you for your sympathy, Cholly. -Now go and spoon with Sarah. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [rising and going to Sarah] How is my ownest today? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SARAH. I wish you wouldn't tell Cholly to do things, Barbara. He -always comes straight and does them. Cholly: we're going to the -works at Perivale St. Andrews this afternoon. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX. What works? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SARAH. The cannon works. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX. What! Your governor's shop! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SARAH. Yes. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX. Oh I say! -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Cusins enters in poor condition. He also starts visibly when he -sees Barbara without her uniform. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. I expected you this morning, Dolly. Didn't you guess -that? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [sitting down beside her] I'm sorry. I have only just -breakfasted. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SARAH. But we've just finished lunch. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Have you had one of your bad nights? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. No: I had rather a good night: in fact, one of the most -remarkable nights I have ever passed. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. The meeting? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. No: after the meeting. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. You should have gone to bed after the meeting. -What were you doing? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Drinking. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. {Adolphus! -SARAH. {Dolly! -BARBARA. {Dolly! -LOMAX. {Oh I say! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. What were you drinking, may I ask? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. A most devilish kind of Spanish burgundy, warranted free -from added alcohol: a Temperance burgundy in fact. Its richness -in natural alcohol made any addition superfluous. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Are you joking, Dolly? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [patiently] No. I have been making a night of it with the -nominal head of this household: that is all. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Andrew made you drunk! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. No: he only provided the wine. I think it was Dionysos -who made me drunk. [To Barbara] I told you I was possessed. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. You're not sober yet. Go home to bed at once. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. I have never before ventured to reproach you, Lady Brit; -but how could you marry the Prince of Darkness? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. It was much more excusable to marry him than to -get drunk with him. That is a new accomplishment of Andrew's, by -the way. He usen't to drink. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. He doesn't now. He only sat there and completed the wreck -of my moral basis, the rout of my convictions, the purchase of my -soul. He cares for you, Barbara. That is what makes him so -dangerous to me. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. That has nothing to do with it, Dolly. There are larger -loves and diviner dreams than the fireside ones. You know that, -don't you? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Yes: that is our understanding. I know it. I hold to it. -Unless he can win me on that holier ground he may amuse me for a -while; but he can get no deeper hold, strong as he is. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Keep to that; and the end will be right. Now tell me -what happened at the meeting? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. It was an amazing meeting. Mrs Baines almost died of -emotion. Jenny Hill went stark mad with hysteria. The Prince of -Darkness played his trombone like a madman: its brazen roarings -were like the laughter of the damned. 117 conversions took place -then and there. They prayed with the most touching sincerity and -gratitude for Bodger, and for the anonymous donor of the 5000 -pounds. Your father would not let his name be given. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX. That was rather fine of the old man, you know. Most chaps -would have wanted the advertisement. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. He said all the charitable institutions would be down on -him like kites on a battle field if he gave his name. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. That's Andrew all over. He never does a proper -thing without giving an improper reason for it. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. He convinced me that I have all my life been doing -improper things for proper reasons. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Adolphus: now that Barbara has left the Salvation -Army, you had better leave it too. I will not have you playing -that drum in the streets. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Your orders are already obeyed, Lady Brit. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Dolly: were you ever really in earnest about it? Would -you have joined if you had never seen me? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [disingenuously] Well--er--well, possibly, as a collector -of religions-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [cunningly] Not as a drummer, though, you know. You are a -very clearheaded brainy chap, Cholly; and it must have been -apparent to you that there is a certain amount of tosh about-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Charles: if you must drivel, drivel like a -grown-up man and not like a schoolboy. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [out of countenance] Well, drivel is drivel, don't you -know, whatever a man's age. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. In good society in England, Charles, men drivel -at all ages by repeating silly formulas with an air of wisdom. -Schoolboys make their own formulas out of slang, like you. When -they reach your age, and get political private secretaryships and -things of that sort, they drop slang and get their formulas out -of The Spectator or The Times. You had better confine yourself to -The Times. You will find that there is a certain amount of tosh -about The Times; but at least its language is reputable. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [overwhelmed] You are so awfully strong-minded, Lady Brit-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Rubbish! [Morrison comes in]. What is it? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -MORRISON. If you please, my lady, Mr Undershaft has just drove up -to the door. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Well, let him in. [Morrison hesitates]. What's -the matter with you? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -MORRISON. Shall I announce him, my lady; or is he at home here, -so to speak, my lady? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Announce him. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -MORRISON. Thank you, my lady. You won't mind my asking, I hope. -The occasion is in a manner of speaking new to me. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Quite right. Go and let him in. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -MORRISON. Thank you, my lady. [He withdraws]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Children: go and get ready. [Sarah and Barbara go -upstairs for their out-of-door wrap]. Charles: go and tell -Stephen to come down here in five minutes: you will find him in -the drawing room. [Charles goes]. Adolphus: tell them to send -round the carriage in about fifteen minutes. [Adolphus goes]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -MORRISON [at the door] Mr Undershaft. -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Undershaft comes in. Morrison goes out. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Alone! How fortunate! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [rising] Don't be sentimental, Andrew. Sit down. -[She sits on the settee: he sits beside her, on her left. She -comes to the point before he has time to breathe]. Sarah must -have 800 pounds a year until Charles Lomax comes into his -property. Barbara will need more, and need it permanently, -because Adolphus hasn't any property. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [resignedly] Yes, my dear: I will see to it. Anything -else? for yourself, for instance? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. I want to talk to you about Stephen. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [rather wearily] Don't, my dear. Stephen doesn't -interest me. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. He does interest me. He is our son. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Do you really think so? He has induced us to bring -him into the world; but he chose his parents very incongruously, -I think. I see nothing of myself in him, and less of you. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Andrew: Stephen is an excellent son, and a most -steady, capable, highminded young man. YOU are simply trying to -find an excuse for disinheriting him. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. My dear Biddy: the Undershaft tradition disinherits -him. It would be dishonest of me to leave the cannon foundry to -my son. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. It would be most unnatural and improper of you to -leave it to anyone else, Andrew. Do you suppose this wicked and -immoral tradition can be kept up for ever? Do you pretend that -Stephen could not carry on the foundry just as well as all the -other sons of the big business houses? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Yes: he could learn the office routine without -understanding the business, like all the other sons; and the firm -would go on by its own momentum until the real Undershaft--probably -an Italian or a German--would invent a new method and cut him out. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. There is nothing that any Italian or German could -do that Stephen could not do. And Stephen at least has breeding. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. The son of a foundling! nonsense! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. My son, Andrew! And even you may have good blood -in your veins for all you know. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. True. Probably I have. That is another argument in -favor of a foundling. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Andrew: don't be aggravating. And don't be -wicked. At present you are both. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. This conversation is part of the Undershaft -tradition, Biddy. Every Undershaft's wife has treated him to it -ever since the house was founded. It is mere waste of breath. If -the tradition be ever broken it will be for an abler man than -Stephen. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [pouting] Then go away. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [deprecatory] Go away! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Yes: go away. If you will do nothing for Stephen, -you are not wanted here. Go to your foundling, whoever he is; and -look after him. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. The fact is, Biddy-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Don't call me Biddy. I don't call you Andy. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. I will not call my wife Britomart: it is not good -sense. Seriously, my love, the Undershaft tradition has landed me -in a difficulty. I am getting on in years; and my partner Lazarus -has at last made a stand and insisted that the succession must be -settled one way or the other; and of course he is quite right. -You see, I haven't found a fit successor yet. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [obstinately] There is Stephen. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. That's just it: all the foundlings I can find are -exactly like Stephen. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Andrew!! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. I want a man with no relations and no schooling: that -is, a man who would be out of the running altogether if he were -not a strong man. And I can't find him. Every blessed foundling -nowadays is snapped up in his infancy by Barnardo homes, or -School Board officers, or Boards of Guardians; and if he shows -the least ability, he is fastened on by schoolmasters; trained to -win scholarships like a racehorse; crammed with secondhand ideas; -drilled and disciplined in docility and what they call good -taste; and lamed for life so that he is fit for nothing but -teaching. If you want to keep the foundry in the family, you had -better find an eligible foundling and marry him to Barbara. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Ah! Barbara! Your pet! You would sacrifice -Stephen to Barbara. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Cheerfully. And you, my dear, would boil Barbara to -make soup for Stephen. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Andrew: this is not a question of our likings and -dislikings: it is a question of duty. It is your duty to make -Stephen your successor. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Just as much as it is your duty to submit to your -husband. Come, Biddy! these tricks of the governing class are of -no use with me. I am one of the governing class myself; and it is -waste of time giving tracts to a missionary. I have the power in -this matter; and I am not to be humbugged into using it for your -purposes. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Andrew: you can talk my head off; but you can't -change wrong into right. And your tie is all on one side. Put it -straight. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [disconcerted] It won't stay unless it's pinned [he -fumbles at it with childish grimaces]-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Stephen comes in. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN [at the door] I beg your pardon [about to retire]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. No: come in, Stephen. [Stephen comes forward to -his mother's writing table.] -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [not very cordially] Good afternoon. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN [coldly] Good afternoon. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [to Lady Britomart] He knows all about the tradition, -I suppose? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Yes. [To Stephen] It is what I told you last -night, Stephen. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [sulkily] I understand you want to come into the -cannon business. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. _I_ go into trade! Certainly not. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [opening his eyes, greatly eased in mind and manner] -Oh! in that case--! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Cannons are not trade, Stephen. They are -enterprise. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. I have no intention of becoming a man of business in any -sense. I have no capacity for business and no taste for it. I -intend to devote myself to politics. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [rising] My dear boy: this is an immense relief to me. -And I trust it may prove an equally good thing for the country. I -was afraid you would consider yourself disparaged and slighted. -[He moves towards Stephen as if to shake hands with him]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [rising and interposing] Stephen: I cannot allow -you to throw away an enormous property like this. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN [stiffly] Mother: there must be an end of treating me as -a child, if you please. [Lady Britomart recoils, deeply wounded -by his tone]. Until last night I did not take your attitude -seriously, because I did not think you meant it seriously. But I -find now that you left me in the dark as to matters which you -should have explained to me years ago. I am extremely hurt and -offended. Any further discussion of my intentions had better take -place with my father, as between one man and another. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Stephen! [She sits down again; and her eyes fill -with tears]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [with grave compassion] You see, my dear, it is only -the big men who can be treated as children. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. I am sorry, mother, that you have forced me-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [stopping him] Yes, yes, yes, yes: that's all right, -Stephen. She won't interfere with you any more: your independence -is achieved: you have won your latchkey. Don't rub it in; and -above all, don't apologize. [He resumes his seat]. Now what about -your future, as between one man and another--I beg your pardon, -Biddy: as between two men and a woman. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [who has pulled herself together strongly] I quite -understand, Stephen. By all means go your own way if you feel -strong enough. [Stephen sits down magisterially in the chair at -the writing table with an air of affirming his majority]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. It is settled that you do not ask for the succession -to the cannon business. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. I hope it is settled that I repudiate the cannon -business. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Come, come! Don't be so devilishly sulky: it's -boyish. Freedom should be generous. Besides, I owe you a fair -start in life in exchange for disinheriting you. You can't become -prime minister all at once. Haven't you a turn for something? -What about literature, art and so forth? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. I have nothing of the artist about me, either in faculty -or character, thank Heaven! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. A philosopher, perhaps? Eh? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. I make no such ridiculous pretension. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Just so. Well, there is the army, the navy, the Church, -the Bar. The Bar requires some ability. What about the Bar? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. I have not studied law. And I am afraid I have not the -necessary push--I believe that is the name barristers give to -their vulgarity--for success in pleading. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Rather a difficult case, Stephen. Hardly anything -left but the stage, is there? [Stephen makes an impatient -movement]. Well, come! is there anything you know or care for? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN [rising and looking at him steadily] I know the -difference between right and wrong. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [hugely tickled] You don't say so! What! no capacity -for business, no knowledge of law, no sympathy with art, no -pretension to philosophy; only a simple knowledge of the secret -that has puzzled all the philosophers, baffled all the lawyers, -muddled all the men of business, and ruined most of the artists: -the secret of right and wrong. Why, man, you're a genius, master -of masters, a god! At twenty-four, too! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN [keeping his temper with difficulty] You are pleased to -be facetious. I pretend to nothing more than any honorable -English gentleman claims as his birthright [he sits down -angrily]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Oh, that's everybody's birthright. Look at poor -little Jenny Hill, the Salvation lassie! she would think you were -laughing at her if you asked her to stand up in the street and -teach grammar or geography or mathematics or even drawingroom -dancing; but it never occurs to her to doubt that she can teach -morals and religion. You are all alike, you respectable people. -You can't tell me the bursting strain of a ten-inch gun, which is -a very simple matter; but you all think you can tell me the -bursting strain of a man under temptation. You daren't handle -high explosives; but you're all ready to handle honesty and -truth and justice and the whole duty of man, and kill one another -at that game. What a country! what a world! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [uneasily] What do you think he had better do, -Andrew? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Oh, just what he wants to do. He knows nothing; and -he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political -career. Get him a private secretaryship to someone who can get -him an Under Secretaryship; and then leave him alone. He will -find his natural and proper place in the end on the Treasury -bench. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN [springing up again] I am sorry, sir, that you force -me to forget the respect due to you as my father. I am an -Englishman; and I will not hear the Government of my country -insulted. [He thrusts his hands in his pockets, and walks angrily -across to the window]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [with a touch of brutality] The government of your -country! _I_ am the government of your country: I, and Lazarus. -Do you suppose that you and half a dozen amateurs like you, -sitting in a row in that foolish gabble shop, can govern -Undershaft and Lazarus? No, my friend: you will do what pays US. -You will make war when it suits us, and keep peace when it -doesn't. You will find out that trade requires certain measures -when we have decided on those measures. When I want anything to -keep my dividends up, you will discover that my want is a -national need. When other people want something to keep my -dividends down, you will call out the police and military. And in -return you shall have the support and applause of my newspapers, -and the delight of imagining that you are a great statesman. -Government of your country! Be off with you, my boy, and play -with your caucuses and leading articles and historic parties and -great leaders and burning questions and the rest of your toys. -_I_ am going back to my counting house to pay the piper and call -the tune. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN [actually smiling, and putting his hand on his father's -shoulder with indulgent patronage] Really, my dear father, it is -impossible to be angry with you. You don't know how absurd all -this sounds to ME. You are very properly proud of having been -industrious enough to make money; and it is greatly to your -credit that you have made so much of it. But it has kept you in -circles where you are valued for your money and deferred to for -it, instead of in the doubtless very oldfashioned and -behind-the-times public school and university where I formed my -habits of mind. It is natural for you to think that money governs -England; but you must allow me to think I know better. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. And what does govern England, pray? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. Character, father, character. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Whose character? Yours or mine? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. Neither yours nor mine, father, but the best elements in -the English national character. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Stephen: I've found your profession for you. You're a -born journalist. I'll start you with a hightoned weekly review. -There! -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Stephen goes to the smaller writing table and busies himself with -his letters. -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Sarah, Barbara, Lomax, and Cusins come in ready for walking. -Barbara crosses the room to the window and looks out. Cusins -drifts amiably to the armchair, and Lomax remains near the door, -whilst Sarah comes to her mother. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SARAH. Go and get ready, mamma: the carriage is waiting. [Lady -Britomart leaves the room.] -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [to Sarah] Good day, my dear. Good afternoon, Mr. -Lomax. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [vaguely] Ahdedoo. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [to Cusins] quite well after last night, Euripides, -eh? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. As well as can be expected. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. That's right. [To Barbara] So you are coming to see -my death and devastation factory, Barbara? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [at the window] You came yesterday to see my salvation -factory. I promised you a return visit. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [coming forward between Sarah and Undershaft] You'll find -it awfully interesting. I've been through the Woolwich Arsenal; -and it gives you a ripping feeling of security, you know, to -think of the lot of beggars we could kill if it came to fighting. -[To Undershaft, with sudden solemnity] Still, it must be rather -an awful reflection for you, from the religious point of view as -it were. You're getting on, you know, and all that. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SARAH. You don't mind Cholly's imbecility, papa, do you? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [much taken aback] Oh I say! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Mr Lomax looks at the matter in a very proper spirit, -my dear. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX. Just so. That's all I meant, I assure you. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SARAH. Are you coming, Stephen? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. Well, I am rather busy--er-- [Magnanimously] Oh well, -yes: I'll come. That is, if there is room for me. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. I can take two with me in a little motor I am -experimenting with for field use. You won't mind its being rather -unfashionable. It's not painted yet; but it's bullet proof. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [appalled at the prospect of confronting Wilton Crescent in -an unpainted motor] Oh I say! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SARAH. The carriage for me, thank you. Barbara doesn't mind what -she's seen in. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX. I say, Dolly old chap: do you really mind the car being a -guy? Because of course if you do I'll go in it. Still-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. I prefer it. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX. Thanks awfully, old man. Come, Sarah. [He hurries out to -secure his seat in the carriage. Sarah follows him]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. [moodily walking across to Lady Britomart's writing table] -Why are we two coming to this Works Department of Hell? that is -what I ask myself. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. I have always thought of it as a sort of pit where lost -creatures with blackened faces stirred up smoky fires and were -driven and tormented by my father? Is it like that, dad? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [scandalized] My dear! It is a spotlessly clean and -beautiful hillside town. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. With a Methodist chapel? Oh do say there's a Methodist -chapel. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. There are two: a primitive one and a sophisticated -one. There is even an Ethical Society; but it is not much -patronized, as my men are all strongly religious. In the High -Explosives Sheds they object to the presence of Agnostics as -unsafe. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. And yet they don't object to you! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Do they obey all your orders? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. I never give them any orders. When I speak to one of -them it is "Well, Jones, is the baby doing well? and has Mrs -Jones made a good recovery?" "Nicely, thank you, sir." And that's -all. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. But Jones has to be kept in order. How do you maintain -discipline among your men? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. I don't. They do. You see, the one thing Jones won't -stand is any rebellion from the man under him, or any assertion -of social equality between the wife of the man with 4 shillings a -week less than himself and Mrs Jones! Of course they all rebel -against me, theoretically. Practically, every man of them keeps -the man just below him in his place. I never meddle with them. I -never bully them. I don't even bully Lazarus. I say that certain -things are to be done; but I don't order anybody to do them. I -don't say, mind you, that there is no ordering about and snubbing -and even bullying. The men snub the boys and order them about; -the carmen snub the sweepers; the artisans snub the unskilled -laborers; the foremen drive and bully both the laborers and -artisans; the assistant engineers find fault with the foremen; -the chief engineers drop on the assistants; the departmental -managers worry the chiefs; and the clerks have tall hats and -hymnbooks and keep up the social tone by refusing to associate on -equal terms with anybody. The result is a colossal profit, which -comes to me. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [revolted] You really are a--well, what I was saying -yesterday. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. What was he saying yesterday? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Never mind, my dear. He thinks I have made you -unhappy. Have I? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Do you think I can be happy in this vulgar silly dress? -I! who have worn the uniform. Do you understand what you have -done to me? Yesterday I had a man's soul in my hand. I set him in -the way of life with his face to salvation. But when we took your -money he turned back to drunkenness and derision. [With intense -conviction] I will never forgive you that. If I had a child, and -you destroyed its body with your explosives--if you murdered -Dolly with your horrible guns--I could forgive you if my -forgiveness would open the gates of heaven to you. But to take a -human soul from me, and turn it into the soul of a wolf! that is -worse than any murder. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Does my daughter despair so easily? Can you strike a -man to the heart and leave no mark on him? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [her face lighting up] Oh, you are right: he can never be -lost now: where was my faith? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Oh, clever clever devil! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. You may be a devil; but God speaks through you -sometimes. [She takes her father's hands and kisses them]. You -have given me back my happiness: I feel it deep down now, though -my spirit is troubled. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. You have learnt something. That always feels at first -as if you had lost something. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Well, take me to the factory of death, and let me learn -something more. There must be some truth or other behind all this -frightful irony. Come, Dolly. [She goes out]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. My guardian angel! [To Undershaft] Avaunt! [He follows -Barbara]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN [quietly, at the writing table] You must not mind Cusins, -father. He is a very amiable good fellow; but he is a Greek -scholar and naturally a little eccentric. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Ah, quite so. Thank you, Stephen. Thank you. [He goes -out]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Stephen smiles patronizingly; buttons his coat responsibly; and -crosses the room to the door. Lady Britomart, dressed for -out-of-doors, opens it before he reaches it. She looks round far -the others; looks at Stephen; and turns to go without a word. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN [embarrassed] Mother-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Don't be apologetic, Stephen. And don't forget -that you have outgrown your mother. [She goes out]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Perivale St Andrews lies between two Middlesex hills, half -climbing the northern one. It is an almost smokeless town of -white walls, roofs of narrow green slates or red tiles, tall -trees, domes, campaniles, and slender chimney shafts, beautifully -situated and beautiful in itself. The best view of it is obtained -from the crest of a slope about half a mile to the east, where -the high explosives are dealt with. The foundry lies hidden in -the depths between, the tops of its chimneys sprouting like huge -skittles into the middle distance. Across the crest runs a -platform of concrete, with a parapet which suggests a -fortification, because there is a huge cannon of the obsolete -Woolwich Infant pattern peering across it at the town. The cannon -is mounted on an experimental gun carriage: possibly the original -model of the Undershaft disappearing rampart gun alluded to by -Stephen. The parapet has a high step inside which serves as a -seat. -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Barbara is leaning over the parapet, looking towards the town. On -her right is the cannon; on her left the end of a shed raised on -piles, with a ladder of three or four steps up to the door, which -opens outwards and has a little wooden landing at the threshold, -with a fire bucket in the corner of the landing. The parapet -stops short of the shed, leaving a gap which is the beginning of -the path down the hill through the foundry to the town. Behind -the cannon is a trolley carrying a huge conical bombshell, with a -red band painted on it. Further from the parapet, on the same -side, is a deck chair, near the door of an office, which, like -the sheds, is of the lightest possible construction. -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Cusins arrives by the path from the town. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Well? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Not a ray of hope. Everything perfect, wonderful, real. -It only needs a cathedral to be a heavenly city instead of a -hellish one. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Have you found out whether they have done anything for -old Peter Shirley. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. They have found him a job as gatekeeper and timekeeper. -He's frightfully miserable. He calls the timekeeping brainwork, -and says he isn't used to it; and his gate lodge is so splendid -that he's ashamed to use the rooms, and skulks in the scullery. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Poor Peter! -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Stephen arrives from the town. He carries a fieldglass. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN [enthusiastically] Have you two seen the place? Why did -you leave us? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. I wanted to see everything I was not intended to see; and -Barbara wanted to make the men talk. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. Have you found anything discreditable? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. No. They call him Dandy Andy and are proud of his being a -cunning old rascal; but it's all horribly, frightfully, -immorally, unanswerably perfect. -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Sarah arrives. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SARAH. Heavens! what a place! [She crosses to the trolley]. Did -you see the nursing home!? [She sits down on the shell]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. Did you see the libraries and schools!? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SARAH. Did you see the ballroom and the banqueting chamber in the -Town Hall!? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. Have you gone into the insurance fund, the pension fund, -the building society, the various applications of co-operation!? -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Undershaft comes from the office, with a sheaf of telegrams in -his hands. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Well, have you seen everything? I'm sorry I was -called away. [Indicating the telegrams] News from Manchuria. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. Good news, I hope. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Very. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. Another Japanese victory? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Oh, I don't know. Which side wins does not concern us -here. No: the good news is that the aerial battleship is a -tremendous success. At the first trial it has wiped out a fort -with three hundred soldiers in it. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [from the platform] Dummy soldiers? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. No: the real thing. [Cusins and Barbara exchange -glances. Then Cusins sits on the step and buries his face in his -hands. Barbara gravely lays her hand on his shoulder, and he -looks up at her in a sort of whimsical desperation]. Well, -Stephen, what do you think of the place? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. Oh, magnificent. A perfect triumph of organization. -Frankly, my dear father, I have been a fool: I had no idea of -what it all meant--of the wonderful forethought, the power of -organization, the administrative capacity, the financial genius, -the colossal capital it represents. I have been repeating to -myself as I came through your streets "Peace hath her victories -no less renowned than War." I have only one misgiving about it -all. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Out with it. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. Well, I cannot help thinking that all this provision for -every want of your workmen may sap their independence and weaken -their sense of responsibility. And greatly as we enjoyed our tea -at that splendid restaurant--how they gave us all that luxury and -cake and jam and cream for threepence I really cannot imagine!--still -you must remember that restaurants break up home life. Look at the -continent, for instance! Are you sure so much pampering is really -good for the men's characters? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Well you see, my dear boy, when you are organizing -civilization you have to make up your mind whether trouble and -anxiety are good things or not. If you decide that they are, -then, I take it, you simply don't organize civilization; and -there you are, with trouble and anxiety enough to make us all -angels! But if you decide the other way, you may as well go -through with it. However, Stephen, our characters are safe here. -A sufficient dose of anxiety is always provided by the fact that -we may be blown to smithereens at any moment. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SARAH. By the way, papa, where do you make the explosives? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. In separate little sheds, like that one. When one of -them blows up, it costs very little; and only the people quite -close to it are killed. -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Stephen, who is quite close to it, looks at it rather scaredly, -and moves away quickly to the cannon. At the same moment the door -of the shed is thrown abruptly open; and a foreman in overalls -and list slippers comes out on the little landing and holds the -door open for Lomax, who appears in the doorway. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [with studied coolness] My good fellow: you needn't get -into a state of nerves. Nothing's going to happen to you; and I -suppose it wouldn't be the end of the world if anything did. A -little bit of British pluck is what you want, old chap. [He -descends and strolls across to Sarah]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [to the foreman] Anything wrong, Bilton? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILTON [with ironic calm] Gentleman walked into the high -explosives shed and lit a cigaret, sir: that's all. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Ah, quite so. [To Lomax] Do you happen to remember -what you did with the match? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX. Oh come! I'm not a fool. I took jolly good care to blow it -out before I chucked it away. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILTON. The top of it was red hot inside, sir. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX. Well, suppose it was! I didn't chuck it into any of your -messes. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Think no more of it, Mr Lomax. By the way, would you -mind lending me your matches? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [offering his box] Certainly. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Thanks. [He pockets the matches]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [lecturing to the company generally] You know, these high -explosives don't go off like gunpowder, except when they're in a -gun. When they're spread loose, you can put a match to them -without the least risk: they just burn quietly like a bit of -paper. [Warming to the scientific interest of the subject] Did -you know that Undershaft? Have you ever tried? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Not on a large scale, Mr Lomax. Bilton will give you -a sample of gun cotton when you are leaving if you ask him. You -can experiment with it at home. [Bilton looks puzzled]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SARAH. Bilton will do nothing of the sort, papa. I suppose it's -your business to blow up the Russians and Japs; but you might -really stop short of blowing up poor Cholly. [Bilton gives it up -and retires into the shed]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX. My ownest, there is no danger. [He sits beside her on the -shell]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Lady Britomart arrives from the town with a bouquet. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [coming impetuously between Undershaft and the -deck chair] Andrew: you shouldn't have let me see this place. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Why, my dear? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Never mind why: you shouldn't have: that's all. -To think of all that [indicating the town] being yours! and that -you have kept it to yourself all these years! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. It does not belong to me. I belong to it. It is the -Undershaft inheritance. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. It is not. Your ridiculous cannons and that noisy -banging foundry may be the Undershaft inheritance; but all that -plate and linen, all that furniture and those houses and orchards -and gardens belong to us. They belong to me: they are not a man's -business. I won't give them up. You must be out of your senses to -throw them all away; and if you persist in such folly, I will -call in a doctor. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [stooping to smell the bouquet] Where did you get the -flowers, my dear? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Your men presented them to me in your William -Morris Labor Church. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [springing up] Oh! It needed only that. A Labor Church! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Yes, with Morris's words in mosaic letters ten -feet high round the dome. NO MAN IS GOOD ENOUGH TO BE ANOTHER -MAN'S MASTER. The cynicism of it! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. It shocked the men at first, I am afraid. But now -they take no more notice of it than of the ten commandments in -church. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Andrew: you are trying to put me off the subject -of the inheritance by profane jokes. Well, you shan't. I don't -ask it any longer for Stephen: he has inherited far too much of -your perversity to be fit for it. But Barbara has rights as well -as Stephen. Why should not Adolphus succeed to the inheritance? I -could manage the town for him; and he can look after the cannons, -if they are really necessary. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. I should ask nothing better if Adolphus were a -foundling. He is exactly the sort of new blood that is wanted in -English business. But he's not a foundling; and there's an end of -it. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [diplomatically] Not quite. [They all turn and stare at -him. He comes from the platform past the shed to Undershaft]. I -think--Mind! I am not committing myself in any way as to my -future course--but I think the foundling difficulty can be got -over. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. What do you mean? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Well, I have something to say which is in the nature of a -confession. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SARAH. { -LADY BRITOMART. { Confession! -BARBARA. { -STEPHEN. { -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX. Oh I say! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Yes, a confession. Listen, all. Until I met Barbara I -thought myself in the main an honorable, truthful man, because I -wanted the approval of my conscience more than I wanted anything -else. But the moment I saw Barbara, I wanted her far more than -the approval of my conscience. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Adolphus! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. It is true. You accused me yourself, Lady Brit, of -joining the Army to worship Barbara; and so I did. She bought my -soul like a flower at a street corner; but she bought it for -herself. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. What! Not for Dionysos or another? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Dionysos and all the others are in herself. I adored what -was divine in her, and was therefore a true worshipper. But I was -romantic about her too. I thought she was a woman of the people, -and that a marriage with a professor of Greek would be far beyond -the wildest social ambitions of her rank. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Adolphus!! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX. Oh I say!!! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. When I learnt the horrible truth-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. What do you mean by the horrible truth, pray? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. That she was enormously rich; that her grandfather was an -earl; that her father was the Prince of Darkness-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Chut! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS.--and that I was only an adventurer trying to catch a rich -wife, then I stooped to deceive about my birth. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Your birth! Now Adolphus, don't dare to make up a -wicked story for the sake of these wretched cannons. Remember: I -have seen photographs of your parents; and the Agent General for -South Western Australia knows them personally and has assured me -that they are most respectable married people. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. So they are in Australia; but here they are outcasts. -Their marriage is legal in Australia, but not in England. My -mother is my father's deceased wife's sister; and in this island -I am consequently a foundling. [Sensation]. Is the subterfuge -good enough, Machiavelli? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [thoughtfully] Biddy: this may be a way out of the -difficulty. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Stuff! A man can't make cannons any the better -for being his own cousin instead of his proper self [she sits -down in the deck chair with a bounce that expresses her downright -contempt for their casuistry.] -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [to Cusins] You are an educated man. That is against -the tradition. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Once in ten thousand times it happens that the schoolboy -is a born master of what they try to teach him. Greek has not -destroyed my mind: it has nourished it. Besides, I did not learn -it at an English public school. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Hm! Well, I cannot afford to be too particular: you -have cornered the foundling market. Let it pass. You are -eligible, Euripides: you are eligible. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [coming from the platform and interposing between Cusins -and Undershaft] Dolly: yesterday morning, when Stephen told us -all about the tradition, you became very silent; and you have -been strange and excited ever since. Were you thinking of your -birth then? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. When the finger of Destiny suddenly points at a man in -the middle of his breakfast, it makes him thoughtful. [Barbara -turns away sadly and stands near her mother, listening perturbedly]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Aha! You have had your eye on the business, my young -friend, have you? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Take care! There is an abyss of moral horror between me -and your accursed aerial battleships. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Never mind the abyss for the present. Let us settle -the practical details and leave your final decision open. You -know that you will have to change your name. Do you object to -that? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Would any man named Adolphus--any man called Dolly!--object -to be called something else? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Good. Now, as to money! I propose to treat you -handsomely from the beginning. You shall start at a thousand a -year. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. [with sudden heat, his spectacles twinkling with -mischief] A thousand! You dare offer a miserable thousand to -the son-in-law of a millionaire! No, by Heavens, Machiavelli! you -shall not cheat me. You cannot do without me; and I can do -without you. I must have two thousand five hundred a year for two -years. At the end of that time, if I am a failure, I go. But if I -am a success, and stay on, you must give me the other five -thousand. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. What other five thousand? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. To make the two years up to five thousand a year. The two -thousand five hundred is only half pay in case I should turn out -a failure. The third year I must have ten per cent on the -profits. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [taken aback] Ten per cent! Why, man, do you know what -my profits are? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Enormous, I hope: otherwise I shall require twenty-five -per cent. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. But, Mr Cusins, this is a serious matter of business. -You are not bringing any capital into the concern. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. What! no capital! Is my mastery of Greek no capital? Is -my access to the subtlest thought, the loftiest poetry yet -attained by humanity, no capital? my character! my intellect! my -life! my career! what Barbara calls my soul! are these no -capital? Say another word; and I double my salary. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Be reasonable-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [peremptorily] Mr Undershaft: you have my terms. Take them -or leave them. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [recovering himself] Very well. I note your terms; and -I offer you half. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [disgusted] Half! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [firmly] Half. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. You call yourself a gentleman; and you offer me half!! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. I do not call myself a gentleman; but I offer you -half. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. This to your future partner! your successor! your -son-in-law! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. You are selling your own soul, Dolly, not mine. Leave me -out of the bargain, please. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Come! I will go a step further for Barbara's sake. I -will give you three fifths; but that is my last word. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Done! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX. Done in the eye. Why, _I_ only get eight hundred, you -know. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. By the way, Mac, I am a classical scholar, not an -arithmetical one. Is three fifths more than half or less? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. More, of course. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. I would have taken two hundred and fifty. How you can -succeed in business when you are willing to pay all that money to -a University don who is obviously not worth a junior clerk's -wages!--well! What will Lazarus say? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Lazarus is a gentle romantic Jew who cares for -nothing but string quartets and stalls at fashionable theatres. -He will get the credit of your rapacity in money matters, as he -has hitherto had the credit of mine. You are a shark of the first -order, Euripides. So much the better for the firm! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Is the bargain closed, Dolly? Does your soul belong to -him now? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. No: the price is settled: that is all. The real tug of -war is still to come. What about the moral question? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. There is no moral question in the matter at all, -Adolphus. You must simply sell cannons and weapons to people -whose cause is right and just, and refuse them to foreigners and -criminals. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [determinedly] No: none of that. You must keep the -true faith of an Armorer, or you don't come in here. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. What on earth is the true faith of an Armorer? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. To give arms to all men who offer an honest price for -them, without respect of persons or principles: to aristocrat and -republican, to Nihilist and Tsar, to Capitalist and Socialist, to -Protestant and Catholic, to burglar and policeman, to black man -white man and yellow man, to all sorts and conditions, all -nationalities, all faiths, all follies, all causes and all -crimes. The first Undershaft wrote up in his shop IF GOD GAVE THE -HAND, LET NOT MAN WITHHOLD THE SWORD. The second wrote up ALL -HAVE THE RIGHT TO FIGHT: NONE HAVE THE RIGHT TO JUDGE. The third -wrote up TO MAN THE WEAPON: TO HEAVEN THE VICTORY. The fourth had -no literary turn; so he did not write up anything; but he sold -cannons to Napoleon under the nose of George the Third. The fifth -wrote up PEACE SHALL NOT PREVAIL SAVE WITH A SWORD IN HER HAND. -The sixth, my master, was the best of all. He wrote up NOTHING IS -EVER DONE IN THIS WORLD UNTIL MEN ARE PREPARED TO KILL ONE -ANOTHER IF IT IS NOT DONE. After that, there was nothing left for -the seventh to say. So he wrote up, simply, UNASHAMED. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. My good Machiavelli, I shall certainly write something up -on the wall; only, as I shall write it in Greek, you won't be -able to read it. But as to your Armorer's faith, if I take my -neck out of the noose of my own morality I am not going to put it -into the noose of yours. I shall sell cannons to whom I please -and refuse them to whom I please. So there! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. From the moment when you become Andrew Undershaft, -you will never do as you please again. Don't come here lusting -for power, young man. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. If power were my aim I should not come here for it. -YOU have no power. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. None of my own, certainly. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. I have more power than you, more will. You do not drive -this place: it drives you. And what drives the place? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [enigmatically] A will of which I am a part. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [startled] Father! Do you know what you are saying; or -are you laying a snare for my soul? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Don't listen to his metaphysics, Barbara. The place is -driven by the most rascally part of society, the money hunters, -the pleasure hunters, the military promotion hunters; and he is -their slave. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Not necessarily. Remember the Armorer's Faith. I will -take an order from a good man as cheerfully as from a bad one. If -you good people prefer preaching and shirking to buying my -weapons and fighting the rascals, don't blame me. I can make -cannons: I cannot make courage and conviction. Bah! You tire me, -Euripides, with your morality mongering. Ask Barbara: SHE -understands. [He suddenly takes Barbara's hands, and looks -powerfully into her eyes]. Tell him, my love, what power really -means. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [hypnotized] Before I joined the Salvation Army, I was in -my own power; and the consequence was that I never knew what to -do with myself. When I joined it, I had not time enough for all -the things I had to do. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [approvingly] Just so. And why was that, do you -suppose? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Yesterday I should have said, because I was in the power -of God. [She resumes her self-possession, withdrawing her hands -from his with a power equal to his own]. But you came and showed -me that I was in the power of Bodger and Undershaft. Today I -feel--oh! how can I put it into words? Sarah: do you remember the -earthquake at Cannes, when we were little children?--how little -the surprise of the first shock mattered compared to the dread -and horror of waiting for the second? That is how I feel in this -place today. I stood on the rock I thought eternal; and without -a word of warning it reeled and crumbled under me. I was safe -with an infinite wisdom watching me, an army marching to -Salvation with me; and in a moment, at a stroke of your pen in a -cheque book, I stood alone; and the heavens were empty. That was -the first shock of the earthquake: I am waiting for the second. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Come, come, my daughter! Don't make too much of your -little tinpot tragedy. What do we do here when we spend years of -work and thought and thousands of pounds of solid cash on a new -gun or an aerial battleship that turns out just a hairsbreadth -wrong after all? Scrap it. Scrap it without wasting another hour -or another pound on it. Well, you have made for yourself -something that you call a morality or a religion or what not. It -doesn't fit the facts. Well, scrap it. Scrap it and get one that -does fit. That is what is wrong with the world at present. It -scraps its obsolete steam engines and dynamos; but it won't scrap -its old prejudices and its old moralities and its old religions -and its old political constitutions. What's the result? In -machinery it does very well; but in morals and religion and -politics it is working at a loss that brings it nearer bankruptcy -every year. Don't persist in that folly. If your old religion -broke down yesterday, get a newer and a better one for tomorrow. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Oh how gladly I would take a better one to my soul! But -you offer me a worse one. [Turning on him with sudden vehemence]. -Justify yourself: show me some light through the darkness of this -dreadful place, with its beautifully clean workshops, and -respectable workmen, and model homes. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Cleanliness and respectability do not need -justification, Barbara: they justify themselves. I see no -darkness here, no dreadfulness. In your Salvation shelter I saw -poverty, misery, cold and hunger. You gave them bread and treacle -and dreams of heaven. I give from thirty shillings a week to -twelve thousand a year. They find their own dreams; but I look -after the drainage. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. And their souls? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. I save their souls just as I saved yours. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [revolted] You saved my soul! What do you mean? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. I fed you and clothed you and housed you. I took care -that you should have money enough to live handsomely--more than -enough; so that you could be wasteful, careless, generous. That -saved your soul from the seven deadly sins. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [bewildered] The seven deadly sins! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Yes, the deadly seven. [Counting on his fingers] -Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability and children. -Nothing can lift those seven millstones from Man's neck but -money; and the spirit cannot soar until the millstones are -lifted. I lifted them from your spirit. I enabled Barbara to -become Major Barbara; and I saved her from the crime of poverty. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Do you call poverty a crime? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. The worst of crimes. All the other crimes are virtues -beside it: all the other dishonors are chivalry itself by -comparison. Poverty blights whole cities; spreads horrible -pestilences; strikes dead the very souls of all who come within -sight, sound or smell of it. What you call crime is nothing: a -murder here and a theft there, a blow now and a curse then: what -do they matter? they are only the accidents and illnesses of -life: there are not fifty genuine professional criminals in -London. But there are millions of poor people, abject people, -dirty people, ill fed, ill clothed people. They poison us morally -and physically: they kill the happiness of society: they force us -to do away with our own liberties and to organize unnatural -cruelties for fear they should rise against us and drag us down -into their abyss. Only fools fear crime: we all fear poverty. -Pah! [turning on Barbara] you talk of your half-saved ruffian in -West Ham: you accuse me of dragging his soul back to perdition. -Well, bring him to me here; and I will drag his soul back again -to salvation for you. Not by words and dreams; but by thirty-eight -shillings a week, a sound house in a handsome street, and a permanent -job. In three weeks he will have a fancy waistcoat; in three months -a tall hat and a chapel sitting; before the end of the year he -will shake hands with a duchess at a Primrose League meeting, and -join the Conservative Party. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. And will he be the better for that? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. You know he will. Don't be a hypocrite, Barbara. He -will be better fed, better housed, better clothed, better -behaved; and his children will be pounds heavier and bigger. That -will be better than an American cloth mattress in a shelter, -chopping firewood, eating bread and treacle, and being forced to -kneel down from time to time to thank heaven for it: knee drill, -I think you call it. It is cheap work converting starving men -with a Bible in one hand and a slice of bread in the other. I -will undertake to convert West Ham to Mahometanism on the same -terms. Try your hand on my men: their souls are hungry because -their bodies are full. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. And leave the east end to starve? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [his energetic tone dropping into one of bitter and -brooding remembrance] I was an east ender. I moralized and -starved until one day I swore that I would be a fullfed free man -at all costs--that nothing should stop me except a bullet, -neither reason nor morals nor the lives of other men. I said -"Thou shalt starve ere I starve"; and with that word I became -free and great. I was a dangerous man until I had my will: now I -am a useful, beneficent, kindly person. That is the history of -most self-made millionaires, I fancy. When it is the history of -every Englishman we shall have an England worth living in. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Stop making speeches, Andrew. This is not the -place for them. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [punctured] My dear: I have no other means of -conveying my ideas. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Your ideas are nonsense. You got oil because you -were selfish and unscrupulous. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Not at all. I had the strongest scruples about -poverty and starvation. Your moralists are quite unscrupulous -about both: they make virtues of them. I had rather be a thief -than a pauper. I had rather be a murderer than a slave. I don't -want to be either; but if you force the alternative on me, then, -by Heaven, I'll choose the braver and more moral one. I hate -poverty and slavery worse than any other crimes whatsoever. And -let me tell you this. Poverty and slavery have stood up for -centuries to your sermons and leading articles: they will not -stand up to my machine guns. Don't preach at them: don't reason -with them. Kill them. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Killing. Is that your remedy for everything? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. It is the final test of conviction, the only lever -strong enough to overturn a social system, the only way of saying -Must. Let six hundred and seventy fools loose in the street; and -three policemen can scatter them. But huddle them together in a -certain house in Westminster; and let them go through certain -ceremonies and call themselves certain names until at last they -get the courage to kill; and your six hundred and seventy fools -become a government. Your pious mob fills up ballot papers and -imagines it is governing its masters; but the ballot paper that -really governs is the paper that has a bullet wrapped up in it. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. That is perhaps why, like most intelligent people, I -never vote. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT Vote! Bah! When you vote, you only change the names of -the cabinet. When you shoot, you pull down governments, -inaugurate new epochs, abolish old orders and set up new. Is that -historically true, Mr Learned Man, or is it not? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. It is historically true. I loathe having to admit it. I -repudiate your sentiments. I abhor your nature. I defy you in -every possible way. Still, it is true. But it ought not to be -true. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Ought, ought, ought, ought, ought! Are you going to -spend your life saying ought, like the rest of our moralists? -Turn your oughts into shalls, man. Come and make explosives with -me. Whatever can blow men up can blow society up. The history of -the world is the history of those who had courage enough to -embrace this truth. Have you the courage to embrace it, Barbara? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Barbara, I positively forbid you to listen to -your father's abominable wickedness. And you, Adolphus, ought to -know better than to go about saying that wrong things are true. -What does it matter whether they are true if they are wrong? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. What does it matter whether they are wrong if they -are true? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [rising] Children: come home instantly. Andrew: I -am exceedingly sorry I allowed you to call on us. You are -wickeder than ever. Come at once. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [shaking her head] It's no use running away from wicked -people, mamma. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. It is every use. It shows your disapprobation of -them. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. It does not save them. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. I can see that you are going to disobey me. -Sarah: are you coming home or are you not? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SARAH. I daresay it's very wicked of papa to make cannons; but I -don't think I shall cut him on that account. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [pouring oil on the troubled waters] The fact is, you know, -there is a certain amount of tosh about this notion of wickedness. -It doesn't work. You must look at facts. Not that I would say a -word in favor of anything wrong; but then, you see, all sorts of -chaps are always doing all sorts of things; and we have to fit -them in somehow, don't you know. What I mean is that you can't -go cutting everybody; and that's about what it comes to. [Their -rapt attention to his eloquence makes him nervous] Perhaps I -don't make myself clear. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. You are lucidity itself, Charles. Because Andrew -is successful and has plenty of money to give to Sarah, you will -flatter him and encourage him in his wickedness. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [unruffled] Well, where the carcase is, there will the -eagles be gathered, don't you know. [To Undershaft] Eh? What? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Precisely. By the way, may I call you Charles? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX. Delighted. Cholly is the usual ticket. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [to Lady Britomart] Biddy-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [violently] Don't dare call me Biddy. Charles -Lomax: you are a fool. Adolphus Cusins: you are a Jesuit. -Stephen: you are a prig. Barbara: you are a lunatic. Andrew: you -are a vulgar tradesman. Now you all know my opinion; and my -conscience is clear, at all events [she sits down again with a -vehemence that almost wrecks the chair]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. My dear, you are the incarnation of morality. [She -snorts]. Your conscience is clear and your duty done when you -have called everybody names. Come, Euripides! it is getting late; -and we all want to get home. Make up your mind. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Understand this, you old demon-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. Adolphus! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Let him alone, Biddy. Proceed, Euripides. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. You have me in a horrible dilemma. I want Barbara. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate the -difference between one young woman and another. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Quite true, Dolly. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. I also want to avoid being a rascal. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [with biting contempt] You lust for personal -righteousness, for self-approval, for what you call a good -conscience, for what Barbara calls salvation, for what I call -patronizing people who are not so lucky as yourself. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. I do not: all the poet in me recoils from being a good -man. But there are things in me that I must reckon with: pity-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Pity! The scavenger of misery. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Well, love. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. I know. You love the needy and the outcast: you love -the oppressed races, the negro, the Indian ryot, the Pole, the -Irishman. Do you love the Japanese? Do you love the Germans? Do -you love the English? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. No. Every true Englishman detests the English. We are the -wickedest nation on earth; and our success is a moral horror. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. That is what comes of your gospel of love, is it? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. May I not love even my father-in-law? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Who wants your love, man? By what right do you take -the liberty of offering it to me? I will have your due heed and -respect, or I will kill you. But your love! Damn your impertinence! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [grinning] I may not be able to control my affections, Mac. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. You are fencing, Euripides. You are weakening: your -grip is slipping. Come! try your last weapon. Pity and love have -broken in your hand: forgiveness is still left. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. No: forgiveness is a beggar's refuge. I am with you -there: we must pay our debts. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Well said. Come! you will suit me. Remember the words -of Plato. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [starting] Plato! You dare quote Plato to me! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Plato says, my friend, that society cannot be saved -until either the Professors of Greek take to making gunpowder, or -else the makers of gunpowder become Professors of Greek. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Oh, tempter, cunning tempter! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Come! choose, man, choose. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. But perhaps Barbara will not marry me if I make the wrong -choice. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Perhaps not. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [desperately perplexed] You hear-- -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Father: do you love nobody? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. I love my best friend. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. And who is that, pray? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. My bravest enemy. That is the man who keeps me up to -the mark. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. You know, the creature is really a sort of poet in his -way. Suppose he is a great man, after all! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Suppose you stop talking and make up your mind, my -young friend. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. But you are driving me against my nature. I hate war. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Hatred is the coward's revenge for being intimidated. -Dare you make war on war? Here are the means: my friend Mr Lomax -is sitting on them. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [springing up] Oh I say! You don't mean that this thing is -loaded, do you? My ownest: come off it. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SARAH [sitting placidly on the shell] If I am to be blown up, the -more thoroughly it is done the better. Don't fuss, Cholly. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX [to Undershaft, strongly remonstrant] Your own daughter, -you know. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. So I see. [To Cusins] Well, my friend, may we expect -you here at six tomorrow morning? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [firmly] Not on any account. I will see the whole -establishment blown up with its own dynamite before I will get up -at five. My hours are healthy, rational hours eleven to five. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Come when you please: before a week you will come at -six and stay until I turn you out for the sake of your health. -[Calling] Bilton! [He turns to Lady Britomart, who rises]. My -dear: let us leave these two young people to themselves for a -moment. [Bilton comes from the shed]. I am going to take you -through the gun cotton shed. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILTON [barring the way] You can't take anything explosive in -here, Sir. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART. What do you mean? Are you alluding to me? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILTON [unmoved] No, ma'am. Mr Undershaft has the other -gentleman's matches in his pocket. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [abruptly] Oh! I beg your pardon. [She goes into -the shed]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. Quite right, Bilton, quite right: here you are. [He -gives Bilton the box of matches]. Come, Stephen. Come, Charles. -Bring Sarah. [He passes into the shed]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Bilton opens the box and deliberately drops the matches into the -fire-bucket. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LOMAX. Oh I say! [Bilton stolidly hands him the empty box]. -Infernal nonsense! Pure scientific ignorance! [He goes in]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SARAH. Am I all right, Bilton? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BILTON. You'll have to put on list slippers, miss: that's all. -We've got em inside. [She goes in]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN [very seriously to Cusins] Dolly, old fellow, think. -Think before you decide. Do you feel that you are a sufficiently -practical man? It is a huge undertaking, an enormous responsibility. -All this mass of business will be Greek to you. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Oh, I think it will be much less difficult than Greek. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -STEPHEN. Well, I just want to say this before I leave you to -yourselves. Don't let anything I have said about right and wrong -prejudice you against this great chance in life. I have satisfied -myself that the business is one of the highest character and a -credit to our country. [Emotionally] I am very proud of my -father. I-- [Unable to proceed, he presses Cusins' hand and goes -hastily into the shed, followed by Bilton]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="stage"> -Barbara and Cusins, left alone together, look at one another -silently. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Barbara: I am going to accept this offer. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. I thought you would. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. You understand, don't you, that I had to decide without -consulting you. If I had thrown the burden of the choice on you, -you would sooner or later have despised me for it. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Yes: I did not want you to sell your soul for me any -more than for this inheritance. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. It is not the sale of my soul that troubles me: I have -sold it too often to care about that. I have sold it for a -professorship. I have sold it for an income. I have sold it to -escape being imprisoned for refusing to pay taxes for hangmen's -ropes and unjust wars and things that I abhor. What is all human -conduct but the daily and hourly sale of our souls for trifles? -What I am now selling it for is neither money nor position nor -comfort, but for reality and for power. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. You know that you will have no power, and that he has -none. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. I know. It is not for myself alone. I want to make power -for the world. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. I want to make power for the world too; but it must be -spiritual power. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. I think all power is spiritual: these cannons will not go -off by themselves. I have tried to make spiritual power by -teaching Greek. But the world can never be really touched by a -dead language and a dead civilization. The people must have -power; and the people cannot have Greek. Now the power that is -made here can be wielded by all men. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Power to burn women's houses down and kill their sons -and tear their husbands to pieces. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. You cannot have power for good without having power for -evil too. Even mother's milk nourishes murderers as well as -heroes. This power which only tears men's bodies to pieces has -never been so horribly abused as the intellectual power, the -imaginative power, the poetic, religious power that can enslave -men's souls. As a teacher of Greek I gave the intellectual man -weapons against the common man. I now want to give the common man -weapons against the intellectual man. I love the common people. I -want to arm them against the lawyer, the doctor, the priest, the -literary man, the professor, the artist, and the politician, who, -once in authority, are the most dangerous, disastrous, and -tyrannical of all the fools, rascals, and impostors. I want a -democratic power strong enough to force the intellectual -oligarchy to use its genius for the general good or else perish. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Is there no higher power than that [pointing to the -shell]? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Yes: but that power can destroy the higher powers just as -a tiger can destroy a man: therefore man must master that power -first. I admitted this when the Turks and Greeks were last at -war. My best pupil went out to fight for Hellas. My parting gift -to him was not a copy of Plato's Republic, but a revolver and a -hundred Undershaft cartridges. The blood of every Turk he shot--if -he shot any--is on my head as well as on Undershaft's. That act -committed me to this place for ever. Your father's challenge has -beaten me. Dare I make war on war? I dare. I must. I will. And -now, is it all over between us? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [touched by his evident dread of her answer] Silly baby -Dolly! How could it be? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [overjoyed] Then you--you--you-- Oh for my drum! [He -flourishes imaginary drumsticks]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA [angered by his levity] Take care, Dolly, take care. Oh, -if only I could get away from you and from father and from it -all! if I could have the wings of a dove and fly away to heaven! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. And leave me! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Yes, you, and all the other naughty mischievous children -of men. But I can't. I was happy in the Salvation Army for a -moment. I escaped from the world into a paradise of enthusiasm -and prayer and soul saving; but the moment our money ran short, -it all came back to Bodger: it was he who saved our people: he, -and the Prince of Darkness, my papa. Undershaft and Bodger: their -hands stretch everywhere: when we feed a starving fellow -creature, it is with their bread, because there is no other -bread; when we tend the sick, it is in the hospitals they endow; -if we turn from the churches they build, we must kneel on the -stones of the streets they pave. As long as that lasts, there is -no getting away from them. Turning our backs on Bodger and -Undershaft is turning our backs on life. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. I thought you were determined to turn your back on the -wicked side of life. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. There is no wicked side: life is all one. And I never -wanted to shirk my share in whatever evil must be endured, -whether it be sin or suffering. I wish I could cure you of -middle-class ideas, Dolly. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS [gasping] Middle cl--! A snub! A social snub to ME! from -the daughter of a foundling! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. That is why I have no class, Dolly: I come straight out -of the heart of the whole people. If I were middle-class I should -turn my back on my father's business; and we should both live in -an artistic drawingroom, with you reading the reviews in one -corner, and I in the other at the piano, playing Schumann: both -very superior persons, and neither of us a bit of use. Sooner -than that, I would sweep out the guncotton shed, or be one of -Bodger's barmaids. Do you know what would have happened if you -had refused papa's offer? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. I wonder! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. I should have given you up and married the man who -accepted it. After all, my dear old mother has more sense than -any of you. I felt like her when I saw this place--felt that I -must have it--that never, never, never could I let it go; only -she thought it was the houses and the kitchen ranges and the -linen and china, when it was really all the human souls to be -saved: not weak souls in starved bodies, crying with gratitude or -a scrap of bread and treacle, but fullfed, quarrelsome, snobbish, -uppish creatures, all standing on their little rights and -dignities, and thinking that my father ought to be greatly -obliged to them for making so much money for him--and so he -ought. That is where salvation is really wanted. My father shall -never throw it in my teeth again that my converts were bribed -with bread. [She is transfigured]. I have got rid of the bribe of -bread. I have got rid of the bribe of heaven. Let God's work be -done for its own sake: the work he had to create us to do because -it cannot be done by living men and women. When I die, let him be -in my debt, not I in his; and let me forgive him as becomes a -woman of my rank. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. Then the way of life lies through the factory of death? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Yes, through the raising of hell to heaven and of man to -God, through the unveiling of an eternal light in the Valley of -The Shadow. [Seizing him with both hands] Oh, did you think my -courage would never come back? did you believe that I was a -deserter? that I, who have stood in the streets, and taken my -people to my heart, and talked of the holiest and greatest things -with them, could ever turn back and chatter foolishly to -fashionable people about nothing in a drawingroom? Never, never, -never, never: Major Barbara will die with the colors. Oh! and I -have my dear little Dolly boy still; and he has found me my place -and my work. Glory Hallelujah! [She kisses him]. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. My dearest: consider my delicate health. I cannot stand -as much happiness as you can. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. Yes: it is not easy work being in love with me, is it? -But it's good for you. [She runs to the shed, and calls, -childlike] Mamma! Mamma! [Bilton comes out of the shed, followed -by Undershaft]. I want Mamma. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT. She is taking off her list slippers, dear. [He passes -on to Cusins]. Well? What does she say? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -CUSINS. She has gone right up into the skies. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [coming from the shed and stopping on the steps, -obstructing Sarah, who follows with Lomax. Barbara clutches like -a baby at her mother's skirt]. Barbara: when will you learn to be -independent and to act and think for yourself? I know as well as -possible what that cry of "Mamma, Mamma," means. Always running -to me! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -SARAH [touching Lady Britomart's ribs with her finger tips and -imitating a bicycle horn] Pip! Pip! -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -LADY BRITOMART [highly indignant] How dare you say Pip! pip! to -me, Sarah? You are both very naughty children. What do you want, -Barbara? -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -BARBARA. I want a house in the village to live in with Dolly. -[Dragging at the skirt] Come and tell me which one to take. -</P> - -<P CLASS="dialog"> -UNDERSHAFT [to Cusins] Six o'clock tomorrow morning, my young -friend. -</P> - -<BR><BR><BR><BR> - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Major Barbara, by George Bernard Shaw - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MAJOR BARBARA *** - -***** This file should be named 3790-h.htm or 3790-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/3/7/9/3790/ - -Produced by Eve Sobol. HTML version by Al Haines. - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Thus, we do not necessarily -keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. - - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: - - http://www.gutenberg.net - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. - - -</pre> - -</BODY> - -</HTML> - - diff --git a/old/20050415-3790.txt b/old/20050415-3790.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 1a25b35..0000000 --- a/old/20050415-3790.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,5089 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Major Barbara, by George Bernard Shaw - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.net - - -Title: Major Barbara - -Author: George Bernard Shaw - -Posting Date: May 19, 2009 [EBook #3790] -Release Date: February, 2003 -First Posted: September 9, 2001 -Last Updated: April 15, 2005 - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MAJOR BARBARA *** - - - - -Produced by Eve Sobol. HTML version by Al Haines. - - - - - - - - - -MAJOR BARBARA - -BERNARD SHAW - - - - -ACT I - -It is after dinner on a January night, in the library in -Lady Britomart Undershaft's house in Wilton Crescent. A large and -comfortable settee is in the middle of the room, upholstered in -dark leather. A person sitting on it [it is vacant at present] -would have, on his right, Lady Britomart's writing table, with -the lady herself busy at it; a smaller writing table behind him -on his left; the door behind him on Lady Britomart's side; and a -window with a window seat directly on his left. Near the window -is an armchair. - -Lady Britomart is a woman of fifty or thereabouts, well dressed -and yet careless of her dress, well bred and quite reckless of -her breeding, well mannered and yet appallingly outspoken and -indifferent to the opinion of her interlocutory, amiable and yet -peremptory, arbitrary, and high-tempered to the last bearable -degree, and withal a very typical managing matron of the upper -class, treated as a naughty child until she grew into a scolding -mother, and finally settling down with plenty of practical -ability and worldly experience, limited in the oddest way with -domestic and class limitations, conceiving the universe exactly -as if it were a large house in Wilton Crescent, though handling -her corner of it very effectively on that assumption, and being -quite enlightened and liberal as to the books in the library, the -pictures on the walls, the music in the portfolios, and the -articles in the papers. - -Her son, Stephen, comes in. He is a gravely correct young man -under 25, taking himself very seriously, but still in some awe of -his mother, from childish habit and bachelor shyness rather than -from any weakness of character. - -STEPHEN. What's the matter? - -LADY BRITOMART. Presently, Stephen. - -Stephen submissively walks to the settee and sits down. He takes -up The Speaker. - -LADY BRITOMART. Don't begin to read, Stephen. I shall require all -your attention. - -STEPHEN. It was only while I was waiting-- - -LADY BRITOMART. Don't make excuses, Stephen. [He puts down The -Speaker]. Now! [She finishes her writing; rises; and comes to the -settee]. I have not kept you waiting very long, I think. - -STEPHEN. Not at all, mother. - -LADY BRITOMART. Bring me my cushion. [He takes the cushion from -the chair at the desk and arranges it for her as she sits down on -the settee]. Sit down. [He sits down and fingers his tie -nervously]. Don't fiddle with your tie, Stephen: there is nothing -the matter with it. - -STEPHEN. I beg your pardon. [He fiddles with his watch chain -instead]. - -LADY BRITOMART. Now are you attending to me, Stephen? - -STEPHEN. Of course, mother. - -LADY BRITOMART. No: it's not of course. I want something much -more than your everyday matter-of-course attention. I am going to -speak to you very seriously, Stephen. I wish you would let that -chain alone. - -STEPHEN [hastily relinquishing the chain] Have I done anything to -annoy you, mother? If so, it was quite unintentional. - -LADY BRITOMART [astonished] Nonsense! [With some remorse] My poor -boy, did you think I was angry with you? - -STEPHEN. What is it, then, mother? You are making me very uneasy. - -LADY BRITOMART [squaring herself at him rather aggressively] -Stephen: may I ask how soon you intend to realize that you are a -grown-up man, and that I am only a woman? - -STEPHEN [amazed] Only a-- - -LADY BRITOMART. Don't repeat my words, please: It is a most -aggravating habit. You must learn to face life seriously, -Stephen. I really cannot bear the whole burden of our family -affairs any longer. You must advise me: you must assume the -responsibility. - -STEPHEN. I! - -LADY BRITOMART. Yes, you, of course. You were 24 last June. -You've been at Harrow and Cambridge. You've been to India and -Japan. You must know a lot of things now; unless you have wasted -your time most scandalously. Well, advise me. - -STEPHEN [much perplexed] You know I have never interfered in the -household-- - -LADY BRITOMART. No: I should think not. I don't want you to order -the dinner. - -STEPHEN. I mean in our family affairs. - -LADY BRITOMART. Well, you must interfere now; for they are -getting quite beyond me. - -STEPHEN [troubled] I have thought sometimes that perhaps I ought; -but really, mother, I know so little about them; and what I do -know is so painful--it is so impossible to mention some things to -you--[he stops, ashamed]. - -LADY BRITOMART. I suppose you mean your father. - -STEPHEN [almost inaudibly] Yes. - -LADY BRITOMART. My dear: we can't go on all our lives not -mentioning him. Of course you were quite right not to open the -subject until I asked you to; but you are old enough now to be -taken into my confidence, and to help me to deal with him about -the girls. - -STEPHEN. But the girls are all right. They are engaged. - -LADY BRITOMART [complacently] Yes: I have made a very good match -for Sarah. Charles Lomax will be a millionaire at 35. But that is -ten years ahead; and in the meantime his trustees cannot under -the terms of his father's will allow him more than 800 pounds a -year. - -STEPHEN. But the will says also that if he increases his income -by his own exertions, they may double the increase. - -LADY BRITOMART. Charles Lomax's exertions are much more likely to -decrease his income than to increase it. Sarah will have to find -at least another 800 pounds a year for the next ten years; and -even then they will be as poor as church mice. And what about -Barbara? I thought Barbara was going to make the most brilliant -career of all of you. And what does she do? Joins the Salvation -Army; discharges her maid; lives on a pound a week; and walks in -one evening with a professor of Greek whom she has picked up in -the street, and who pretends to be a Salvationist, and actually -plays the big drum for her in public because he has fallen head -over ears in love with her. - -STEPHEN. I was certainly rather taken aback when I heard they -were engaged. Cusins is a very nice fellow, certainly: nobody -would ever guess that he was born in Australia; but-- - -LADY BRITOMART. Oh, Adolphus Cusins will make a very good -husband. After all, nobody can say a word against Greek: it -stamps a man at once as an educated gentleman. And my family, -thank Heaven, is not a pig-headed Tory one. We are Whigs, and -believe in liberty. Let snobbish people say what they please: -Barbara shall marry, not the man they like, but the man I like. - -STEPHEN. Of course I was thinking only of his income. However, he -is not likely to be extravagant. - -LADY BRITOMART. Don't be too sure of that, Stephen. I know your -quiet, simple, refined, poetic people like Adolphus--quite -content with the best of everything! They cost more than your -extravagant people, who are always as mean as they are second -rate. No: Barbara will need at least 2000 pounds a year. You see -it means two additional households. Besides, my dear, you must -marry soon. I don't approve of the present fashion of philandering -bachelors and late marriages; and I am trying to arrange something -for you. - -STEPHEN. It's very good of you, mother; but perhaps I had better -arrange that for myself. - -LADY BRITOMART. Nonsense! you are much too young to begin -matchmaking: you would be taken in by some pretty little nobody. -Of course I don't mean that you are not to be consulted: you know -that as well as I do. [Stephen closes his lips and is silent]. -Now don't sulk, Stephen. - -STEPHEN. I am not sulking, mother. What has all this got to do -with--with--with my father? - -LADY BRITOMART. My dear Stephen: where is the money to come from? -It is easy enough for you and the other children to live on my -income as long as we are in the same house; but I can't keep four -families in four separate houses. You know how poor my father is: -he has barely seven thousand a year now; and really, if he were -not the Earl of Stevenage, he would have to give up society. He -can do nothing for us: he says, naturally enough, that it is -absurd that he should be asked to provide for the children of a -man who is rolling in money. You see, Stephen, your father must -be fabulously wealthy, because there is always a war going on -somewhere. - -STEPHEN. You need not remind me of that, mother. I have hardly -ever opened a newspaper in my life without seeing our name in it. -The Undershaft torpedo! The Undershaft quick firers! The -Undershaft ten inch! the Undershaft disappearing rampart gun! the -Undershaft submarine! and now the Undershaft aerial battleship! -At Harrow they called me the Woolwich Infant. At Cambridge it was -the same. A little brute at King's who was always trying to get -up revivals, spoilt my Bible--your first birthday present to -me--by writing under my name, "Son and heir to Undershaft and -Lazarus, Death and Destruction Dealers: address, Christendom and -Judea." But that was not so bad as the way I was kowtowed to -everywhere because my father was making millions by selling -cannons. - -LADY BRITOMART. It is not only the cannons, but the war loans -that Lazarus arranges under cover of giving credit for the -cannons. You know, Stephen, it's perfectly scandalous. Those two -men, Andrew Undershaft and Lazarus, positively have Europe under -their thumbs. That is why your father is able to behave as he -does. He is above the law. Do you think Bismarck or Gladstone or -Disraeli could have openly defied every social and moral -obligation all their lives as your father has? They simply -wouldn't have dared. I asked Gladstone to take it up. I asked The -Times to take it up. I asked the Lord Chamberlain to take it up. -But it was just like asking them to declare war on the Sultan. -They WOULDN'T. They said they couldn't touch him. I believe they -were afraid. - -STEPHEN. What could they do? He does not actually break the law. - -LADY BRITOMART. Not break the law! He is always breaking the law. -He broke the law when he was born: his parents were not married. - -STEPHEN. Mother! Is that true? - -LADY BRITOMART. Of course it's true: that was why we separated. - -STEPHEN. He married without letting you know this! - -LADY BRITOMART [rather taken aback by this inference] Oh no. To -do Andrew justice, that was not the sort of thing he did. -Besides, you know the Undershaft motto: Unashamed. Everybody -knew. - -STEPHEN. But you said that was why you separated. - -LADY BRITOMART. Yes, because he was not content with being a -foundling himself: he wanted to disinherit you for another -foundling. That was what I couldn't stand. - -STEPHEN [ashamed] Do you mean for--for--for-- - -LADY BRITOMART. Don't stammer, Stephen. Speak distinctly. - -STEPHEN. But this is so frightful to me, mother. To have to speak -to you about such things! - -LADY BRITOMART. It's not pleasant for me, either, especially if -you are still so childish that you must make it worse by a -display of embarrassment. It is only in the middle classes, -Stephen, that people get into a state of dumb helpless horror -when they find that there are wicked people in the world. In our -class, we have to decide what is to be done with wicked people; -and nothing should disturb our self possession. Now ask your -question properly. - -STEPHEN. Mother: you have no consideration for me. For Heaven's -sake either treat me as a child, as you always do, and tell me -nothing at all; or tell me everything and let me take it as best -I can. - -LADY BRITOMART. Treat you as a child! What do you mean? It is -most unkind and ungrateful of you to say such a thing. You know I -have never treated any of you as children. I have always made you -my companions and friends, and allowed you perfect freedom to do -and say whatever you liked, so long as you liked what I could -approve of. - -STEPHEN [desperately] I daresay we have been the very imperfect -children of a very perfect mother; but I do beg you to let me -alone for once, and tell me about this horrible business of my -father wanting to set me aside for another son. - -LADY BRITOMART [amazed] Another son! I never said anything of the -kind. I never dreamt of such a thing. This is what comes of -interrupting me. - -STEPHEN. But you said-- - -LADY BRITOMART [cutting him short] Now be a good boy, Stephen, -and listen to me patiently. The Undershafts are descended from a -foundling in the parish of St. Andrew Undershaft in the city. -That was long ago, in the reign of James the First. Well, this -foundling was adopted by an armorer and gun-maker. In the course -of time the foundling succeeded to the business; and from some -notion of gratitude, or some vow or something, he adopted another -foundling, and left the business to him. And that foundling did -the same. Ever since that, the cannon business has always been -left to an adopted foundling named Andrew Undershaft. - -STEPHEN. But did they never marry? Were there no legitimate sons? - -LADY BRITOMART. Oh yes: they married just as your father did; and -they were rich enough to buy land for their own children and -leave them well provided for. But they always adopted and trained -some foundling to succeed them in the business; and of course -they always quarrelled with their wives furiously over it. Your -father was adopted in that way; and he pretends to consider -himself bound to keep up the tradition and adopt somebody to -leave the business to. Of course I was not going to stand that. -There may have been some reason for it when the Undershafts could -only marry women in their own class, whose sons were not fit to -govern great estates. But there could be no excuse for passing -over my son. - -STEPHEN [dubiously] I am afraid I should make a poor hand of -managing a cannon foundry. - -LADY BRITOMART. Nonsense! you could easily get a manager and pay -him a salary. - -STEPHEN. My father evidently had no great opinion of my capacity. - -LADY BRITOMART. Stuff, child! you were only a baby: it had -nothing to do with your capacity. Andrew did it on principle, -just as he did every perverse and wicked thing on principle. When -my father remonstrated, Andrew actually told him to his face that -history tells us of only two successful institutions: one the -Undershaft firm, and the other the Roman Empire under the -Antonines. That was because the Antonine emperors all adopted -their successors. Such rubbish! The Stevenages are as good as the -Antonines, I hope; and you are a Stevenage. But that was Andrew -all over. There you have the man! Always clever and unanswerable -when he was defending nonsense and wickedness: always awkward and -sullen when he had to behave sensibly and decently! - -STEPHEN. Then it was on my account that your home life was broken -up, mother. I am sorry. - -LADY BRITOMART. Well, dear, there were other differences. I -really cannot bear an immoral man. I am not a Pharisee, I hope; -and I should not have minded his merely doing wrong things: we -are none of us perfect. But your father didn't exactly do wrong -things: he said them and thought them: that was what was so -dreadful. He really had a sort of religion of wrongness just as -one doesn't mind men practising immorality so long as they own -that they are in the wrong by preaching morality; so I couldn't -forgive Andrew for preaching immorality while he practised -morality. You would all have grown up without principles, without -any knowledge of right and wrong, if he had been in the house. -You know, my dear, your father was a very attractive man in some -ways. Children did not dislike him; and he took advantage of it -to put the wickedest ideas into their heads, and make them quite -unmanageable. I did not dislike him myself: very far from it; but -nothing can bridge over moral disagreement. - -STEPHEN. All this simply bewilders me, mother. People may differ -about matters of opinion, or even about religion; but how can -they differ about right and wrong? Right is right; and wrong is -wrong; and if a man cannot distinguish them properly, he is -either a fool or a rascal: that's all. - -LADY BRITOMART [touched] That's my own boy [she pats his cheek]! -Your father never could answer that: he used to laugh and get out -of it under cover of some affectionate nonsense. And now that you -understand the situation, what do you advise me to do? - -STEPHEN. Well, what can you do? - -LADY BRITOMART. I must get the money somehow. - -STEPHEN. We cannot take money from him. I had rather go and live -in some cheap place like Bedford Square or even Hampstead than -take a farthing of his money. - -LADY BRITOMART. But after all, Stephen, our present income comes -from Andrew. - -STEPHEN [shocked] I never knew that. - -LADY BRITOMART. Well, you surely didn't suppose your grandfather -had anything to give me. The Stevenages could not do everything -for you. We gave you social position. Andrew had to contribute -something. He had a very good bargain, I think. - -STEPHEN [bitterly] We are utterly dependent on him and his -cannons, then! - -LADY BRITOMART. Certainly not: the money is settled. But he -provided it. So you see it is not a question of taking money from -him or not: it is simply a question of how much. I don't want any -more for myself. - -STEPHEN. Nor do I. - -LADY BRITOMART. But Sarah does; and Barbara does. That is, -Charles Lomax and Adolphus Cusins will cost them more. So I must -put my pride in my pocket and ask for it, I suppose. That is your -advice, Stephen, is it not? - -STEPHEN. No. - -LADY BRITOMART [sharply] Stephen! - -STEPHEN. Of course if you are determined-- - -LADY BRITOMART. I am not determined: I ask your advice; and I am -waiting for it. I will not have all the responsibility thrown on -my shoulders. - -STEPHEN [obstinately] I would die sooner than ask him for another -penny. - -LADY BRITOMART [resignedly] You mean that I must ask him. Very -well, Stephen: It shall be as you wish. You will be glad to know -that your grandfather concurs. But he thinks I ought to ask -Andrew to come here and see the girls. After all, he must have -some natural affection for them. - -STEPHEN. Ask him here!!! - -LADY BRITOMART. Do not repeat my words, Stephen. Where else can I -ask him? - -STEPHEN. I never expected you to ask him at all. - -LADY BRITOMART. Now don't tease, Stephen. Come! you see that it -is necessary that he should pay us a visit, don't you? - -STEPHEN [reluctantly] I suppose so, if the girls cannot do -without his money. - -LADY BRITOMART. Thank you, Stephen: I knew you would give me the -right advice when it was properly explained to you. I have asked -your father to come this evening. [Stephen bounds from his seat] -Don't jump, Stephen: it fidgets me. - -STEPHEN [in utter consternation] Do you mean to say that my -father is coming here to-night--that he may be here at any -moment? - -LADY BRITOMART [looking at her watch] I said nine. [He gasps. She -rises]. Ring the bell, please. [Stephen goes to the smaller -writing table; presses a button on it; and sits at it with his -elbows on the table and his head in his hands, outwitted and -overwhelmed]. It is ten minutes to nine yet; and I have to -prepare the girls. I asked Charles Lomax and Adolphus to dinner -on purpose that they might be here. Andrew had better see them in -case he should cherish any delusions as to their being capable of -supporting their wives. [The butler enters: Lady Britomart goes -behind the settee to speak to him]. Morrison: go up to the -drawingroom and tell everybody to come down here at once. -[Morrison withdraws. Lady Britomart turns to Stephen]. Now -remember, Stephen, I shall need all your countenance and -authority. [He rises and tries to recover some vestige of these -attributes]. Give me a chair, dear. [He pushes a chair forward -from the wall to where she stands, near the smaller writing -table. She sits down; and he goes to the armchair, into which he -throws himself]. I don't know how Barbara will take it. Ever -since they made her a major in the Salvation Army she has -developed a propensity to have her own way and order people about -which quite cows me sometimes. It's not ladylike: I'm sure I -don't know where she picked it up. Anyhow, Barbara shan't bully -me; but still it's just as well that your father should be here -before she has time to refuse to meet him or make a fuss. Don't -look nervous, Stephen, it will only encourage Barbara to make -difficulties. I am nervous enough, goodness knows; but I don't -show it. - -Sarah and Barbara come in with their respective young men, -Charles Lomax and Adolphus Cusins. Sarah is slender, bored, and -mundane. Barbara is robuster, jollier, much more energetic. Sarah -is fashionably dressed: Barbara is in Salvation Army uniform. -Lomax, a young man about town, is like many other young men about -town. He is affected with a frivolous sense of humor which -plunges him at the most inopportune moments into paroxysms of -imperfectly suppressed laughter. Cusins is a spectacled student, -slight, thin haired, and sweet voiced, with a more complex form -of Lomax's complaint. His sense of humor is intellectual and -subtle, and is complicated by an appalling temper. The lifelong -struggle of a benevolent temperament and a high conscience -against impulses of inhuman ridicule and fierce impatience has -set up a chronic strain which has visibly wrecked his constitution. -He is a most implacable, determined, tenacious, intolerant person -who by mere force of character presents himself as--and indeed -actually is--considerate, gentle, explanatory, even mild and -apologetic, capable possibly of murder, but not of cruelty or -coarseness. By the operation of some instinct which is not merciful -enough to blind him with the illusions of love, he is obstinately -bent on marrying Barbara. Lomax likes Sarah and thinks it will be -rather a lark to marry her. Consequently he has not attempted to -resist Lady Britomart's arrangements to that end. - -All four look as if they had been having a good deal of fun in -the drawingroom. The girls enter first, leaving the swains -outside. Sarah comes to the settee. Barbara comes in after her -and stops at the door. - -BARBARA. Are Cholly and Dolly to come in? - -LADY BRITOMART [forcibly] Barbara: I will not have Charles called -Cholly: the vulgarity of it positively makes me ill. - -BARBARA. It's all right, mother. Cholly is quite correct -nowadays. Are they to come in? - -LADY BRITOMART. Yes, if they will behave themselves. - -BARBARA [through the door] Come in, Dolly, and behave yourself. - -Barbara comes to her mother's writing table. Cusins enters -smiling, and wanders towards Lady Britomart. - -SARAH [calling] Come in, Cholly. [Lomax enters, controlling his -features very imperfectly, and places himself vaguely between -Sarah and Barbara]. - -LADY BRITOMART [peremptorily] Sit down, all of you. [They sit. -Cusins crosses to the window and seats himself there. Lomax takes -a chair. Barbara sits at the writing table and Sarah on the -settee]. I don't in the least know what you are laughing at, -Adolphus. I am surprised at you, though I expected nothing better -from Charles Lomax. - -CUSINS [in a remarkably gentle voice] Barbara has been trying to -teach me the West Ham Salvation March. - -LADY BRITOMART. I see nothing to laugh at in that; nor should you -if you are really converted. - -CUSINS [sweetly] You were not present. It was really funny, I -believe. - -LOMAX. Ripping. - -LADY BRITOMART. Be quiet, Charles. Now listen to me, children. -Your father is coming here this evening. [General stupefaction]. - -LOMAX [remonstrating] Oh I say! - -LADY BRITOMART. You are not called on to say anything, Charles. - -SARAH. Are you serious, mother? - -LADY BRITOMART. Of course I am serious. It is on your account, -Sarah, and also on Charles's. [Silence. Charles looks painfully -unworthy]. I hope you are not going to object, Barbara. - -BARBARA. I! why should I? My father has a soul to be saved like -anybody else. He's quite welcome as far as I am concerned. - -LOMAX [still remonstrant] But really, don't you know! Oh I say! - -LADY BRITOMART [frigidly] What do you wish to convey, Charles? - -LOMAX. Well, you must admit that this is a bit thick. - -LADY BRITOMART [turning with ominous suavity to Cusins] Adolphus: -you are a professor of Greek. Can you translate Charles Lomax's -remarks into reputable English for us? - -CUSINS [cautiously] If I may say so, Lady Brit, I think Charles -has rather happily expressed what we all feel. Homer, speaking of -Autolycus, uses the same phrase. - -LOMAX [handsomely] Not that I mind, you know, if Sarah don't. - -LADY BRITOMART [crushingly] Thank you. Have I your permission, -Adolphus, to invite my own husband to my own house? - -CUSINS [gallantly] You have my unhesitating support in everything -you do. - -LADY BRITOMART. Sarah: have you nothing to say? - -SARAH. Do you mean that he is coming regularly to live here? - -LADY BRITOMART. Certainly not. The spare room is ready for him if -he likes to stay for a day or two and see a little more of you; -but there are limits. - -SARAH. Well, he can't eat us, I suppose. I don't mind. - -LOMAX [chuckling] I wonder how the old man will take it. - -LADY BRITOMART. Much as the old woman will, no doubt, Charles. - -LOMAX [abashed] I didn't mean--at least-- - -LADY BRITOMART. You didn't think, Charles. You never do; and the -result is, you never mean anything. And now please attend to me, -children. Your father will be quite a stranger to us. - -LOMAX. I suppose he hasn't seen Sarah since she was a little kid. - -LADY BRITOMART. Not since she was a little kid, Charles, as you -express it with that elegance of diction and refinement of -thought that seem never to desert you. Accordingly--er-- [impatiently] -Now I have forgotten what I was going to say. That comes of your -provoking me to be sarcastic, Charles. Adolphus: will you kindly -tell me where I was. - -CUSINS [sweetly] You were saying that as Mr Undershaft has not -seen his children since they were babies, he will form his -opinion of the way you have brought them up from their behavior -to-night, and that therefore you wish us all to be particularly -careful to conduct ourselves well, especially Charles. - -LOMAX. Look here: Lady Brit didn't say that. - -LADY BRITOMART [vehemently] I did, Charles. Adolphus's -recollection is perfectly correct. It is most important that you -should be good; and I do beg you for once not to pair off into -opposite corners and giggle and whisper while I am speaking to -your father. - -BARBARA. All right, mother. We'll do you credit. - -LADY BRITOMART. Remember, Charles, that Sarah will want to feel -proud of you instead of ashamed of you. - -LOMAX. Oh I say! There's nothing to be exactly proud of, don't -you know. - -LADY BRITOMART. Well, try and look as if there was. - -Morrison, pale and dismayed, breaks into the room in unconcealed -disorder. - -MORRISON. Might I speak a word to you, my lady? - -LADY BRITOMART. Nonsense! Show him up. - -MORRISON. Yes, my lady. [He goes]. - -LOMAX. Does Morrison know who he is? - -LADY BRITOMART. Of course. Morrison has always been with us. - -LOMAX. It must be a regular corker for him, don't you know. - -LADY BRITOMART. Is this a moment to get on my nerves, Charles, -with your outrageous expressions? - -LOMAX. But this is something out of the ordinary, really-- - -MORRISON [at the door] The--er--Mr Undershaft. [He retreats in -confusion]. - -Andrew Undershaft comes in. All rise. Lady Britomart meets him in -the middle of the room behind the settee. - -Andrew is, on the surface, a stoutish, easygoing elderly man, -with kindly patient manners, and an engaging simplicity of -character. But he has a watchful, deliberate, waiting, listening -face, and formidable reserves of power, both bodily and mental, -in his capacious chest and long head. His gentleness is partly -that of a strong man who has learnt by experience that his -natural grip hurts ordinary people unless he handles them very -carefully, and partly the mellowness of age and success. He is -also a little shy in his present very delicate situation. - -LADY BRITOMART. Good evening, Andrew. - -UNDERSHAFT. How d'ye do, my dear. - -LADY BRITOMART. You look a good deal older. - -UNDERSHAFT [apologetically] I AM somewhat older. [With a touch of -courtship] Time has stood still with you. - -LADY BRITOMART [promptly] Rubbish! This is your family. - -UNDERSHAFT [surprised] Is it so large? I am sorry to say my -memory is failing very badly in some things. [He offers his hand -with paternal kindness to Lomax]. - -LOMAX [jerkily shaking his hand] Ahdedoo. - -UNDERSHAFT. I can see you are my eldest. I am very glad to meet -you again, my boy. - -LOMAX [remonstrating] No but look here don't you know--[Overcome] -Oh I say! - -LADY BRITOMART [recovering from momentary speechlessness] Andrew: -do you mean to say that you don't remember how many children you -have? - -UNDERSHAFT. Well, I am afraid I--. They have grown so much--er. -Am I making any ridiculous mistake? I may as well confess: I -recollect only one son. But so many things have happened since, -of course--er-- - -LADY BRITOMART [decisively] Andrew: you are talking nonsense. Of -course you have only one son. - -UNDERSHAFT. Perhaps you will be good enough to introduce me, my -dear. - -LADY BRITOMART. That is Charles Lomax, who is engaged to Sarah. - -UNDERSHAFT. My dear sir, I beg your pardon. - -LOMAX. Not at all. Delighted, I assure you. - -LADY BRITOMART. This is Stephen. - -UNDERSHAFT [bowing] Happy to make your acquaintance, Mr Stephen. -Then [going to Cusins] you must be my son. [Taking Cusins' hands -in his] How are you, my young friend? [To Lady Britomart] He is -very like you, my love. - -CUSINS. You flatter me, Mr Undershaft. My name is Cusins: engaged -to Barbara. [Very explicitly] That is Major Barbara Undershaft, -of the Salvation Army. That is Sarah, your second daughter. This -is Stephen Undershaft, your son. - -UNDERSHAFT. My dear Stephen, I beg your pardon. - -STEPHEN. Not at all. - -UNDERSHAFT. Mr Cusins: I am much indebted to you for explaining -so precisely. [Turning to Sarah] Barbara, my dear-- - -SARAH [prompting him] Sarah. - -UNDERSHAFT. Sarah, of course. [They shake hands. He goes over to -Barbara] Barbara--I am right this time, I hope. - -BARBARA. Quite right. [They shake hands]. - -LADY BRITOMART [resuming command] Sit down, all of you. Sit down, -Andrew. [She comes forward and sits on the settle. Cusins also -brings his chair forward on her left. Barbara and Stephen resume -their seats. Lomax gives his chair to Sarah and goes for -another]. - -UNDERSHAFT. Thank you, my love. - -LOMAX [conversationally, as he brings a chair forward between the -writing table and the settee, and offers it to Undershaft] Takes -you some time to find out exactly where you are, don't it? - -UNDERSHAFT [accepting the chair] That is not what embarrasses me, -Mr Lomax. My difficulty is that if I play the part of a father, I -shall produce the effect of an intrusive stranger; and if I play -the part of a discreet stranger, I may appear a callous father. - -LADY BRITOMART. There is no need for you to play any part at all, -Andrew. You had much better be sincere and natural. - -UNDERSHAFT [submissively] Yes, my dear: I daresay that will be -best. [Making himself comfortable] Well, here I am. Now what can -I do for you all? - -LADY BRITOMART. You need not do anything, Andrew. You are one of -the family. You can sit with us and enjoy yourself. - -Lomax's too long suppressed mirth explodes in agonized neighings. - -LADY BRITOMART [outraged] Charles Lomax: if you can behave -yourself, behave yourself. If not, leave the room. - -LOMAX. I'm awfully sorry, Lady Brit; but really, you know, upon -my soul! [He sits on the settee between Lady Britomart and -Undershaft, quite overcome]. - -BARBARA. Why don't you laugh if you want to, Cholly? It's good -for your inside. - -LADY BRITOMART. Barbara: you have had the education of a lady. -Please let your father see that; and don't talk like a street -girl. - -UNDERSHAFT. Never mind me, my dear. As you know, I am not a -gentleman; and I was never educated. - -LOMAX [encouragingly] Nobody'd know it, I assure you. You look -all right, you know. - -CUSINS. Let me advise you to study Greek, Mr Undershaft. Greek -scholars are privileged men. Few of them know Greek; and none of -them know anything else; but their position is unchallengeable. -Other languages are the qualifications of waiters and commercial -travellers: Greek is to a man of position what the hallmark is to -silver. - -BARBARA. Dolly: don't be insincere. Cholly: fetch your concertina -and play something for us. - -LOMAX [doubtfully to Undershaft] Perhaps that sort of thing isn't -in your line, eh? - -UNDERSHAFT. I am particularly fond of music. - -LOMAX [delighted] Are you? Then I'll get it. [He goes upstairs -for the instrument]. - -UNDERSHAFT. Do you play, Barbara? - -BARBARA. Only the tambourine. But Cholly's teaching me the -concertina. - -UNDERSHAFT. Is Cholly also a member of the Salvation Army? - -BARBARA. No: he says it's bad form to be a dissenter. But I don't -despair of Cholly. I made him come yesterday to a meeting at the -dock gates, and take the collection in his hat. - -LADY BRITOMART. It is not my doing, Andrew. Barbara is old enough -to take her own way. She has no father to advise her. - -BARBARA. Oh yes she has. There are no orphans in the Salvation -Army. - -UNDERSHAFT. Your father there has a great many children and -plenty of experience, eh? - -BARBARA [looking at him with quick interest and nodding] Just so. -How did you come to understand that? [Lomax is heard at the door -trying the concertina]. - -LADY BRITOMART. Come in, Charles. Play us something at once. - -LOMAX. Righto! [He sits down in his former place, and preludes]. - -UNDERSHAFT. One moment, Mr Lomax. I am rather interested in the -Salvation Army. Its motto might be my own: Blood and Fire. - -LOMAX [shocked] But not your sort of blood and fire, you know. - -UNDERSHAFT. My sort of blood cleanses: my sort of fire purifies. - -BARBARA. So do ours. Come down to-morrow to my shelter--the West -Ham shelter--and see what we're doing. We're going to march to a -great meeting in the Assembly Hall at Mile End. Come and see the -shelter and then march with us: it will do you a lot of good. Can -you play anything? - -UNDERSHAFT. In my youth I earned pennies, and even shillings -occasionally, in the streets and in public house parlors by my -natural talent for stepdancing. Later on, I became a member of -the Undershaft orchestral society, and performed passably on the -tenor trombone. - -LOMAX [scandalized] Oh I say! - -BARBARA. Many a sinner has played himself into heaven on the -trombone, thanks to the Army. - -LOMAX [to Barbara, still rather shocked] Yes; but what about the -cannon business, don't you know? [To Undershaft] Getting into -heaven is not exactly in your line, is it? - -LADY BRITOMART. Charles!!! - -LOMAX. Well; but it stands to reason, don't it? The cannon -business may be necessary and all that: we can't get on without -cannons; but it isn't right, you know. On the other hand, there -may be a certain amount of tosh about the Salvation Army--I -belong to the Established Church myself--but still you can't deny -that it's religion; and you can't go against religion, can you? -At least unless you're downright immoral, don't you know. - -UNDERSHAFT. You hardly appreciate my position, Mr Lomax-- - -LOMAX [hastily] I'm not saying anything against you personally, -you know. - -UNDERSHAFT. Quite so, quite so. But consider for a moment. Here I -am, a manufacturer of mutilation and murder. I find myself in a -specially amiable humor just now because, this morning, down at -the foundry, we blew twenty-seven dummy soldiers into fragments -with a gun which formerly destroyed only thirteen. - -LOMAX [leniently] Well, the more destructive war becomes, the -sooner it will be abolished, eh? - -UNDERSHAFT. Not at all. The more destructive war becomes the more -fascinating we find it. No, Mr Lomax, I am obliged to you for -making the usual excuse for my trade; but I am not ashamed of it. -I am not one of those men who keep their morals and their -business in watertight compartments. All the spare money my trade -rivals spend on hospitals, cathedrals and other receptacles for -conscience money, I devote to experiments and researches in -improved methods of destroying life and property. I have always -done so; and I always shall. Therefore your Christmas card -moralities of peace on earth and goodwill among men are of no use -to me. Your Christianity, which enjoins you to resist not evil, -and to turn the other cheek, would make me a bankrupt. My -morality--my religion--must have a place for cannons and -torpedoes in it. - -STEPHEN [coldly--almost sullenly] You speak as if there were half -a dozen moralities and religions to choose from, instead of one -true morality and one true religion. - -UNDERSHAFT. For me there is only one true morality; but it might -not fit you, as you do not manufacture aerial battleships. There -is only one true morality for every man; but every man has not -the same true morality. - -LOMAX [overtaxed] Would you mind saying that again? I didn't -quite follow it. - -CUSINS. It's quite simple. As Euripides says, one man's meat is -another man's poison morally as well as physically. - -UNDERSHAFT. Precisely. - -LOMAX. Oh, that. Yes, yes, yes. True. True. - -STEPHEN. In other words, some men are honest and some are -scoundrels. - -BARBARA. Bosh. There are no scoundrels. - -UNDERSHAFT. Indeed? Are there any good men? - -BARBARA. No. Not one. There are neither good men nor scoundrels: -there are just children of one Father; and the sooner they stop -calling one another names the better. You needn't talk to me: I -know them. I've had scores of them through my hands: scoundrels, -criminals, infidels, philanthropists, missionaries, county -councillors, all sorts. They're all just the same sort of sinner; -and there's the same salvation ready for them all. - -UNDERSHAFT. May I ask have you ever saved a maker of cannons? - -BARBARA. No. Will you let me try? - -UNDERSHAFT. Well, I will make a bargain with you. If I go to see -you to-morrow in your Salvation Shelter, will you come the day -after to see me in my cannon works? - -BARBARA. Take care. It may end in your giving up the cannons for -the sake of the Salvation Army. - -UNDERSHAFT. Are you sure it will not end in your giving up the -Salvation Army for the sake of the cannons? - -BARBARA. I will take my chance of that. - -UNDERSHAFT. And I will take my chance of the other. [They shake -hands on it]. Where is your shelter? - -BARBARA. In West Ham. At the sign of the cross. Ask anybody in -Canning Town. Where are your works? - -UNDERSHAFT. In Perivale St Andrews. At the sign of the sword. Ask -anybody in Europe. - -LOMAX. Hadn't I better play something? - -BARBARA. Yes. Give us Onward, Christian Soldiers. - -LOMAX. Well, that's rather a strong order to begin with, don't -you know. Suppose I sing Thou'rt passing hence, my brother. It's -much the same tune. - -BARBARA. It's too melancholy. You get saved, Cholly; and you'll -pass hence, my brother, without making such a fuss about it. - -LADY BRITOMART. Really, Barbara, you go on as if religion were a -pleasant subject. Do have some sense of propriety. - -UNDERSHAFT. I do not find it an unpleasant subject, my dear. It -is the only one that capable people really care for. - -LADY BRITOMART [looking at her watch] Well, if you are determined -to have it, I insist on having it in a proper and respectable -way. Charles: ring for prayers. [General amazement. Stephen rises -in dismay]. - -LOMAX [rising] Oh I say! - -UNDERSHAFT [rising] I am afraid I must be going. - -LADY BRITOMART. You cannot go now, Andrew: it would be most -improper. Sit down. What will the servants think? - -UNDERSHAFT. My dear: I have conscientious scruples. May I suggest -a compromise? If Barbara will conduct a little service in the -drawingroom, with Mr Lomax as organist, I will attend it -willingly. I will even take part, if a trombone can be procured. - -LADY BRITOMART. Don't mock, Andrew. - -UNDERSHAFT [shocked--to Barbara] You don't think I am mocking, my -love, I hope. - -BARBARA. No, of course not; and it wouldn't matter if you were: -half the Army came to their first meeting for a lark. [Rising] -Come along. Come, Dolly. Come, Cholly. [She goes out with -Undershaft, who opens the door for her. Cusins rises]. - -LADY BRITOMART. I will not be disobeyed by everybody. Adolphus: -sit down. Charles: you may go. You are not fit for prayers: you -cannot keep your countenance. - -LOMAX. Oh I say! [He goes out]. - -LADY BRITOMART [continuing] But you, Adolphus, can behave -yourself if you choose to. I insist on your staying. - -CUSINS. My dear Lady Brit: there are things in the family prayer -book that I couldn't bear to hear you say. - -LADY BRITOMART. What things, pray? - -CUSINS. Well, you would have to say before all the servants that -we have done things we ought not to have done, and left undone -things we ought to have done, and that there is no health in us. -I cannot bear to hear you doing yourself such an unjustice, and -Barbara such an injustice. As for myself, I flatly deny it: I -have done my best. I shouldn't dare to marry Barbara--I couldn't -look you in the face--if it were true. So I must go to the -drawingroom. - -LADY BRITOMART [offended] Well, go. [He starts for the door]. And -remember this, Adolphus [he turns to listen]: I have a very -strong suspicion that you went to the Salvation Army to worship -Barbara and nothing else. And I quite appreciate the very clever -way in which you systematically humbug me. I have found you out. -Take care Barbara doesn't. That's all. - -CUSINS [with unruffled sweetness] Don't tell on me. [He goes -out]. - -LADY BRITOMART. Sarah: if you want to go, go. Anything's better -than to sit there as if you wished you were a thousand miles -away. - -SARAH [languidly] Very well, mamma. [She goes]. - -Lady Britomart, with a sudden flounce, gives way to a little gust -of tears. - -STEPHEN [going to her] Mother: what's the matter? - -LADY BRITOMART [swishing away her tears with her handkerchief] -Nothing. Foolishness. You can go with him, too, if you like, and -leave me with the servants. - -STEPHEN. Oh, you mustn't think that, mother. I--I don't like him. - -LADY BRITOMART. The others do. That is the injustice of a woman's -lot. A woman has to bring up her children; and that means to -restrain them, to deny them things they want, to set them tasks, -to punish them when they do wrong, to do all the unpleasant -things. And then the father, who has nothing to do but pet them -and spoil them, comes in when all her work is done and steals -their affection from her. - -STEPHEN. He has not stolen our affection from you. It is only -curiosity. - -LADY BRITOMART [violently] I won't be consoled, Stephen. There is -nothing the matter with me. [She rises and goes towards the -door]. - -STEPHEN. Where are you going, mother? - -LADY BRITOMART. To the drawingroom, of course. [She goes out. -Onward, Christian Soldiers, on the concertina, with tambourine -accompaniment, is heard when the door opens]. Are you coming, -Stephen? - -STEPHEN. No. Certainly not. [She goes. He sits down on the -settee, with compressed lips and an expression of strong -dislike]. - - - -ACT II - -The yard of the West Ham shelter of the Salvation Army is a cold -place on a January morning. The building itself, an old -warehouse, is newly whitewashed. Its gabled end projects into the -yard in the middle, with a door on the ground floor, and another -in the loft above it without any balcony or ladder, but with a -pulley rigged over it for hoisting sacks. Those who come from -this central gable end into the yard have the gateway leading to -the street on their left, with a stone horse-trough just beyond -it, and, on the right, a penthouse shielding a table from the -weather. There are forms at the table; and on them are seated a -man and a woman, both much down on their luck, finishing a meal -of bread [one thick slice each, with margarine and golden syrup] -and diluted milk. - -The man, a workman out of employment, is young, agile, a talker, -a poser, sharp enough to be capable of anything in reason except -honesty or altruistic considerations of any kind. The woman is a -commonplace old bundle of poverty and hard-worn humanity. She -looks sixty and probably is forty-five. If they were rich people, -gloved and muffed and well wrapped up in furs and overcoats, they -would be numbed and miserable; for it is a grindingly cold, raw, -January day; and a glance at the background of grimy warehouses -and leaden sky visible over the whitewashed walls of the yard -would drive any idle rich person straight to the Mediterranean. -But these two, being no more troubled with visions of the -Mediterranean than of the moon, and being compelled to keep more -of their clothes in the pawnshop, and less on their persons, in -winter than in summer, are not depressed by the cold: rather are -they stung into vivacity, to which their meal has just now given -an almost jolly turn. The man takes a pull at his mug, and then -gets up and moves about the yard with his hands deep in his -pockets, occasionally breaking into a stepdance. - -THE WOMAN. Feel better otter your meal, sir? - -THE MAN. No. Call that a meal! Good enough for you, props; but -wot is it to me, an intelligent workin man. - -THE WOMAN. Workin man! Wot are you? - -THE MAN. Painter. - -THE WOMAN [sceptically] Yus, I dessay. - -THE MAN. Yus, you dessay! I know. Every loafer that can't do -nothink calls isself a painter. Well, I'm a real painter: -grainer, finisher, thirty-eight bob a week when I can get it. - -THE WOMAN. Then why don't you go and get it? - -THE MAN. I'll tell you why. Fust: I'm intelligent--fffff! it's -rotten cold here [he dances a step or two]--yes: intelligent -beyond the station o life into which it has pleased the -capitalists to call me; and they don't like a man that sees -through em. Second, an intelligent bein needs a doo share of -appiness; so I drink somethink cruel when I get the chawnce. -Third, I stand by my class and do as little as I can so's to -leave arf the job for me fellow workers. Fourth, I'm fly enough -to know wots inside the law and wots outside it; and inside it I -do as the capitalists do: pinch wot I can lay me ands on. In a -proper state of society I am sober, industrious and honest: in -Rome, so to speak, I do as the Romans do. Wots the consequence? -When trade is bad--and it's rotten bad just now--and the -employers az to sack arf their men, they generally start on me. - -THE WOMAN. What's your name? - -THE MAN. Price. Bronterre O'Brien Price. Usually called Snobby -Price, for short. - -THE WOMAN. Snobby's a carpenter, ain't it? You said you was a -painter. - -PRICE. Not that kind of snob, but the genteel sort. I'm too -uppish, owing to my intelligence, and my father being a Chartist -and a reading, thinking man: a stationer, too. I'm none of your -common hewers of wood and drawers of water; and don't you forget -it. [He returns to his seat at the table, and takes up his mug]. -Wots YOUR name? - -THE WOMAN. Rummy Mitchens, sir. - -PRICE [quaffing the remains of his milk to her] Your elth, Miss -Mitchens. - -RUMMY [correcting him] Missis Mitchens. - -PRICE. Wot! Oh Rummy, Rummy! Respectable married woman, Rummy, -gittin rescued by the Salvation Army by pretendin to be a bad un. -Same old game! - -RUMMY. What am I to do? I can't starve. Them Salvation lasses is -dear good girls; but the better you are, the worse they likes to -think you were before they rescued you. Why shouldn't they av a -bit o credit, poor loves? They're worn to rags by their work. And -where would they get the money to rescue us if we was to let on -we're no worse than other people? You know what ladies and -gentlemen are. - -PRICE. Thievin swine! Wish I ad their job, Rummy, all the same. -Wot does Rummy stand for? Pet name props? - -RUMMY. Short for Romola. - -PRICE. For wot!? - -RUMMY. Romola. It was out of a new book. Somebody me mother -wanted me to grow up like. - -PRICE. We're companions in misfortune, Rummy. Both on us got -names that nobody cawnt pronounce. Consequently I'm Snobby and -you're Rummy because Bill and Sally wasn't good enough for our -parents. Such is life! - -RUMMY. Who saved you, Mr. Price? Was it Major Barbara? - -PRICE. No: I come here on my own. I'm goin to be Bronterre -O'Brien Price, the converted painter. I know wot they like. I'll -tell em how I blasphemed and gambled and wopped my poor old -mother-- - -RUMMY [shocked] Used you to beat your mother? - -PRICE. Not likely. She used to beat me. No matter: you come and -listen to the converted painter, and you'll hear how she was a -pious woman that taught me me prayers at er knee, an how I used -to come home drunk and drag her out o bed be er snow white airs, -an lam into er with the poker. - -RUMMY. That's what's so unfair to us women. Your confessions is -just as big lies as ours: you don't tell what you really done no -more than us; but you men can tell your lies right out at the -meetins and be made much of for it; while the sort o confessions -we az to make az to be wispered to one lady at a time. It ain't -right, spite of all their piety. - -PRICE. Right! Do you spose the Army'd be allowed if it went and -did right? Not much. It combs our air and makes us good little -blokes to be robbed and put upon. But I'll play the game as good -as any of em. I'll see somebody struck by lightnin, or hear a -voice sayin "Snobby Price: where will you spend eternity?" I'll -ave a time of it, I tell you. - -RUMMY. You won't be let drink, though. - -PRICE. I'll take it out in gorspellin, then. I don't want to -drink if I can get fun enough any other way. - -Jenny Hill, a pale, overwrought, pretty Salvation lass of 18, -comes in through the yard gate, leading Peter Shirley, a half -hardened, half worn-out elderly man, weak with hunger. - -JENNY [supporting him] Come! pluck up. I'll get you something to -eat. You'll be all right then. - -PRICE [rising and hurrying officiously to take the old man off -Jenny's hands] Poor old man! Cheer up, brother: you'll find rest -and peace and appiness ere. Hurry up with the food, miss: e's -fair done. [Jenny hurries into the shelter]. Ere, buck up, daddy! -She's fetchin y'a thick slice o breadn treacle, an a mug o -skyblue. [He seats him at the corner of the table]. - -RUMMY [gaily] Keep up your old art! Never say die! - -SHIRLEY. I'm not an old man. I'm ony 46. I'm as good as ever I -was. The grey patch come in my hair before I was thirty. All it -wants is three pennorth o hair dye: am I to be turned on the -streets to starve for it? Holy God! I've worked ten to twelve -hours a day since I was thirteen, and paid my way all through; -and now am I to be thrown into the gutter and my job given to a -young man that can do it no better than me because I've black -hair that goes white at the first change? - -PRICE [cheerfully] No good jawrin about it. You're ony a -jumped-up, jerked-off, orspittle-turned-out incurable of an ole -workin man: who cares about you? Eh? Make the thievin swine give -you a meal: they've stole many a one from you. Get a bit o your -own back. [Jenny returns with the usual meal]. There you are, -brother. Awsk a blessin an tuck that into you. - -SHIRLEY [looking at it ravenously but not touching it, and crying -like a child] I never took anything before. - -JENNY [petting him] Come, come! the Lord sends it to you: he -wasn't above taking bread from his friends; and why should you -be? Besides, when we find you a job you can pay us for it if you -like. - -SHIRLEY [eagerly] Yes, yes: that's true. I can pay you back: it's -only a loan. [Shivering] Oh Lord! oh Lord! [He turns to the table -and attacks the meal ravenously]. - -JENNY. Well, Rummy, are you more comfortable now? - -RUMMY. God bless you, lovey! You've fed my body and saved my -soul, haven't you? [Jenny, touched, kisses her] Sit down and rest -a bit: you must be ready to drop. - -JENNY. I've been going hard since morning. But there's more work -than we can do. I mustn't stop. - -RUMMY. Try a prayer for just two minutes. You'll work all the -better after. - -JENNY [her eyes lighting up] Oh isn't it wonderful how a few -minutes prayer revives you! I was quite lightheaded at twelve -o'clock, I was so tired; but Major Barbara just sent me to pray -for five minutes; and I was able to go on as if I had only just -begun. [To Price] Did you have a piece of bread? - -PAIGE [with unction] Yes, miss; but I've got the piece that I -value more; and that's the peace that passeth hall hannerstennin. - -RUMMY [fervently] Glory Hallelujah! - -Bill Walker, a rough customer of about 25, appears at the yard -gate and looks malevolently at Jenny. - -JENNY. That makes me so happy. When you say that, I feel wicked -for loitering here. I must get to work again. - -She is hurrying to the shelter, when the new-comer moves quickly -up to the door and intercepts her. His manner is so threatening -that she retreats as he comes at her truculently, driving her -down the yard. - -BILL. I know you. You're the one that took away my girl. You're -the one that set er agen me. Well, I'm goin to av er out. Not -that I care a curse for her or you: see? But I'll let er know; -and I'll let you know. I'm goin to give er a doin that'll teach -er to cut away from me. Now in with you and tell er to come out -afore I come in and kick er out. Tell er Bill Walker wants er. -She'll know what that means; and if she keeps me waitin it'll be -worse. You stop to jaw back at me; and I'll start on you: d'ye -hear? There's your way. In you go. [He takes her by the arm and -slings her towards the door of the shelter. She falls on her hand -and knee. Rummy helps her up again]. - -PRICE [rising, and venturing irresolutely towards Bill]. Easy -there, mate. She ain't doin you no arm. - -BILL. Who are you callin mate? [Standing over him threateningly]. -You're goin to stand up for her, are you? Put up your ands. - -RUMMY [running indignantly to him to scold him]. Oh, you great -brute-- [He instantly swings his left hand back against her -face. She screams and reels back to the trough, where she -sits down, covering her bruised face with her hands and rocking -and moaning with pain]. - -JENNY [going to her]. Oh God forgive you! How could you strike an -old woman like that? - -BILL [seizing her by the hair so violently that she also screams, -and tearing her away from the old woman]. You Gawd forgive me -again and I'll Gawd forgive you one on the jaw that'll stop you -prayin for a week. [Holding her and turning fiercely on Price]. -Av you anything to say agen it? Eh? - -PRICE [intimidated]. No, matey: she ain't anything to do with me. - -BILL. Good job for you! I'd put two meals into you and fight you -with one finger after, you starved cur. [To Jenny] Now are you -goin to fetch out Mog Habbijam; or am I to knock your face off -you and fetch her myself? - -JENNY [writhing in his grasp] Oh please someone go in and tell -Major Barbara--[she screams again as he wrenches her head down; -and Price and Rummy, flee into the shelter]. - -BILL. You want to go in and tell your Major of me, do you? - -JENNY. Oh please don't drag my hair. Let me go. - -BILL. Do you or don't you? [She stifles a scream]. Yes or no. - -JENNY. God give me strength-- - -BILL [striking her with his fist in the face] Go and show her -that, and tell her if she wants one like it to come and interfere -with me. [Jenny, crying with pain, goes into the shed. He goes to -the form and addresses the old man]. Here: finish your mess; and -get out o my way. - -SHIRLEY [springing up and facing him fiercely, with the mug in -his hand] You take a liberty with me, and I'll smash you over the -face with the mug and cut your eye out. Ain't you satisfied--young -whelps like you--with takin the bread out o the mouths of your -elders that have brought you up and slaved for you, but you -must come shovin and cheekin and bullyin in here, where the bread -o charity is sickenin in our stummicks? - -BILL [contemptuously, but backing a little] Wot good are you, you -old palsy mug? Wot good are you? - -SHIRLEY. As good as you and better. I'll do a day's work agen you -or any fat young soaker of your age. Go and take my job at -Horrockses, where I worked for ten year. They want young men -there: they can't afford to keep men over forty-five. They're -very sorry--give you a character and happy to help you to get -anything suited to your years--sure a steady man won't be long -out of a job. Well, let em try you. They'll find the differ. What -do you know? Not as much as how to beeyave yourself--layin your -dirty fist across the mouth of a respectable woman! - -BILL. Don't provoke me to lay it acrost yours: d'ye hear? - -SHIRLEY [with blighting contempt] Yes: you like an old man to -hit, don't you, when you've finished with the women. I ain't seen -you hit a young one yet. - -BILL [stung] You lie, you old soupkitchener, you. There was a -young man here. Did I offer to hit him or did I not? - -SHIRLEY. Was he starvin or was he not? Was he a man or only a -crosseyed thief an a loafer? Would you hit my son-in-law's -brother? - -BILL. Who's he? - -SHIRLEY. Todger Fairmile o Balls Pond. Him that won 20 pounds off -the Japanese wrastler at the music hall by standin out 17 minutes -4 seconds agen him. - -BILL [sullenly] I'm no music hall wrastler. Can he box? - -SHIRLEY. Yes: an you can't. - -BILL. Wot! I can't, can't I? Wot's that you say [threatening -him]? - -SHIRLEY [not budging an inch] Will you box Todger Fairmile if I -put him on to you? Say the word. - -BILL. [subsiding with a slouch] I'll stand up to any man alive, -if he was ten Todger Fairmiles. But I don't set up to be a -perfessional. - -SHIRLEY [looking down on him with unfathomable disdain] YOU box! -Slap an old woman with the back o your hand! You hadn't even the -sense to hit her where a magistrate couldn't see the mark of it, -you silly young lump of conceit and ignorance. Hit a girl in the -jaw and ony make her cry! If Todger Fairmile'd done it, she -wouldn't a got up inside o ten minutes, no more than you would if -he got on to you. Yah! I'd set about you myself if I had a week's -feedin in me instead o two months starvation. [He returns to the -table to finish his meal]. - -BILL [following him and stooping over him to drive the taunt in] -You lie! you have the bread and treacle in you that you come here -to beg. - -SHIRLEY [bursting into tears] Oh God! it's true: I'm only an old -pauper on the scrap heap. [Furiously] But you'll come to it -yourself; and then you'll know. You'll come to it sooner than a -teetotaller like me, fillin yourself with gin at this hour o the -mornin! - -BILL. I'm no gin drinker, you old liar; but when I want to give -my girl a bloomin good idin I like to av a bit o devil in me: -see? An here I am, talkin to a rotten old blighter like you sted -o givin her wot for. [Working himself into a rage] I'm goin in -there to fetch her out. [He makes vengefully for the shelter -door]. - -SHIRLEY. You're goin to the station on a stretcher, more likely; -and they'll take the gin and the devil out of you there when they -get you inside. You mind what you're about: the major here is the -Earl o Stevenage's granddaughter. - -BILL [checked] Garn! - -SHIRLEY. You'll see. - -BILL [his resolution oozing] Well, I ain't done nothin to er. - -SHIRLEY. Spose she said you did! who'd believe you? - -BILL [very uneasy, skulking back to the corner of the penthouse] -Gawd! There's no jastice in this country. To think wot them -people can do! I'm as good as er. - -SHIRLEY. Tell her so. It's just what a fool like you would do. - -Barbara, brisk and businesslike, comes from the shelter with a -note book, and addresses herself to Shirley. Bill, cowed, sits -down in the corner on a form, and turns his back on them. - -BARBARA. Good morning. - -SHIRLEY [standing up and taking off his hat] Good morning, miss. - -BARBARA. Sit down: make yourself at home. [He hesitates; but she -puts a friendly hand on his shoulder and makes him obey]. Now -then! since you've made friends with us, we want to know all -about you. Names and addresses and trades. - -SHIRLEY. Peter Shirley. Fitter. Chucked out two months ago -because I was too old. - -BARBARA [not at all surprised] You'd pass still. Why didn't you -dye your hair? - -SHIRLEY. I did. Me age come out at a coroner's inquest on me -daughter. - -BARBARA. Steady? - -SHIRLEY. Teetotaller. Never out of a job before. Good worker. And -sent to the knockers like an old horse! - -BARBARA. No matter: if you did your part God will do his. - -SHIRLEY [suddenly stubborn] My religion's no concern of anybody -but myself. - -BARBARA [guessing] I know. Secularist? - -SHIRLEY [hotly] Did I offer to deny it? - -BARBARA. Why should you? My own father's a Secularist, I think. -Our Father--yours and mine--fulfils himself in many ways; and I -daresay he knew what he was about when he made a Secularist of -you. So buck up, Peter! we can always find a job for a steady man -like you. [Shirley, disarmed, touches his hat. She turns from him -to Bill]. What's your name? - -BILL [insolently] Wot's that to you? - -BARBARA [calmly making a note] Afraid to give his name. Any -trade? - -BILL. Who's afraid to give his name? [Doggedly, with a sense of -heroically defying the House of Lords in the person of Lord -Stevenage] If you want to bring a charge agen me, bring it. [She -waits, unruffled]. My name's Bill Walker. - -BARBARA [as if the name were familiar: trying to remember how] -Bill Walker? [Recollecting] Oh, I know: you're the man that Jenny -Hill was praying for inside just now. [She enters his name in her -note book]. - -BILL. Who's Jenny Hill? And what call has she to pray for me? - -BARBARA. I don't know. Perhaps it was you that cut her lip. - -BILL [defiantly] Yes, it was me that cut her lip. I ain't afraid -o you. - -BARBARA. How could you be, since you're not afraid of God? You're -a brave man, Mr. Walker. It takes some pluck to do our work here; -but none of us dare lift our hand against a girl like that, for -fear of her father in heaven. - -BILL [sullenly] I want none o your cantin jaw. I suppose you -think I come here to beg from you, like this damaged lot here. -Not me. I don't want your bread and scrape and catlap. I don't -believe in your Gawd, no more than you do yourself. - -BARBARA [sunnily apologetic and ladylike, as on a new footing -with him] Oh, I beg your pardon for putting your name down, Mr. -Walker. I didn't understand. I'll strike it out. - -BILL [taking this as a slight, and deeply wounded by it] Eah! you -let my name alone. Ain't it good enough to be in your book? - -BARBARA [considering] Well, you see, there's no use putting down -your name unless I can do something for you, is there? What's -your trade? - -BILL [still smarting] That's no concern o yours. - -BARBARA. Just so. [very businesslike] I'll put you down as -[writing] the man who--struck--poor little Jenny Hill--in the -mouth. - -BILL [rising threateningly] See here. I've ad enough o this. - -BARBARA [quite sunny and fearless] What did you come to us for? - -BILL. I come for my girl, see? I come to take her out o this and -to break er jaws for her. - -BARBARA [complacently] You see I was right about your trade. -[Bill, on the point of retorting furiously, finds himself, to his -great shame and terror, in danger of crying instead. He sits down -again suddenly]. What's her name? - -BILL [dogged] Er name's Mog Abbijam: thats wot her name is. - -BARBARA. Oh, she's gone to Canning Town, to our barracks there. - -BILL [fortified by his resentment of Mog's perfidy] is she? -[Vindictively] Then I'm goin to Kennintahn arter her. [He crosses -to the gate; hesitates; finally comes back at Barbara]. Are you -lyin to me to get shut o me? - -BARBARA. I don't want to get shut of you. I want to keep you here -and save your soul. You'd better stay: you're going to have a bad -time today, Bill. - -BILL. Who's goin to give it to me? You, props. - -BARBARA. Someone you don't believe in. But you'll be glad -afterwards. - -BILL [slinking off] I'll go to Kennintahn to be out o the reach o -your tongue. [Suddenly turning on her with intense malice] And if -I don't find Mog there, I'll come back and do two years for you, -selp me Gawd if I don't! - -BARBARA [a shade kindlier, if possible] It's no use, Bill. She's -got another bloke. - -BILL. Wot! - -BARBARA. One of her own converts. He fell in love with her when -he saw her with her soul saved, and her face clean, and her hair -washed. - -BILL [surprised] Wottud she wash it for, the carroty slut? It's -red. - -BARBARA. It's quite lovely now, because she wears a new look in -her eyes with it. It's a pity you're too late. The new bloke has -put your nose out of joint, Bill. - -BILL. I'll put his nose out o joint for him. Not that I care a -curse for her, mind that. But I'll teach her to drop me as if I -was dirt. And I'll teach him to meddle with my Judy. Wots iz -bleedin name? - -BARBARA. Sergeant Todger Fairmile. - -SHIRLEY [rising with grim joy] I'll go with him, miss. I want to -see them two meet. I'll take him to the infirmary when it's over. - -BILL [to Shirley, with undissembled misgiving] Is that im you was -speakin on? - -SHIRLEY. That's him. - -BILL. Im that wrastled in the music all? - -SHIRLEY. The competitions at the National Sportin Club was worth -nigh a hundred a year to him. He's gev em up now for religion; so -he's a bit fresh for want of the exercise he was accustomed to. -He'll be glad to see you. Come along. - -BILL. Wots is weight? - -SHIRLEY. Thirteen four. [Bill's last hope expires]. - -BARBARA. Go and talk to him, Bill. He'll convert you. - -SHIRLEY. He'll convert your head into a mashed potato. - -BILL [sullenly] I ain't afraid of him. I ain't afraid of -ennybody. But he can lick me. She's done me. [He sits down -moodily on the edge of the horse trough]. - -SHIRLEY. You ain't goin. I thought not. [He resumes his seat]. - -BARBARA [calling] Jenny! - -JENNY [appearing at the shelter door with a plaster on the corner -of her mouth] Yes, Major. - -BARBARA. Send Rummy Mitchens out to clear away here. - -JENNY. I think she's afraid. - -BARBARA [her resemblance to her mother flashing out for a moment] -Nonsense! she must do as she's told. - -JENNY [calling into the shelter] Rummy: the Major says you must -come. - -Jenny comes to Barbara, purposely keeping on the side next Bill, -lest he should suppose that she shrank from him or bore malice. - -BARBARA. Poor little Jenny! Are you tired? [Looking at the -wounded cheek] Does it hurt? - -JENNY. No: it's all right now. It was nothing. - -BARBARA [critically] It was as hard as he could hit, I expect. -Poor Bill! You don't feel angry with him, do you? - -JENNY. Oh no, no, no: indeed I don't, Major, bless his poor -heart! [Barbara kisses her; and she runs away merrily into the -shelter. Bill writhes with an agonizing return of his new and -alarming symptoms, but says nothing. Rummy Mitchens comes from -the shelter]. - -BARBARA [going to meet Rummy] Now Rummy, bustle. Take in those -mugs and plates to be washed; and throw the crumbs about for the -birds. - -Rummy takes the three plates and mugs; but Shirley takes back his -mug from her, as there it still come milk left in it. - -RUMMY. There ain't any crumbs. This ain't a time to waste good -bread on birds. - -PRICE [appearing at the shelter door] Gentleman come to see the -shelter, Major. Says he's your father. - -BARBARA. All right. Coming. [Snobby goes back into the shelter, -followed by Barbara]. - -RUMMY [stealing across to Bill and addressing him in a subdued -voice, but with intense conviction] I'd av the lor of you, you -flat eared pignosed potwalloper, if she'd let me. You're no -gentleman, to hit a lady in the face. [Bill, with greater things -moving in him, takes no notice]. - -SHIRLEY [following her] Here! in with you and don't get yourself -into more trouble by talking. - -RUMMY [with hauteur] I ain't ad the pleasure o being hintroduced -to you, as I can remember. [She goes into the shelter with the -plates]. - -BILL [savagely] Don't you talk to me, d'ye hear. You lea me -alone, or I'll do you a mischief. I'm not dirt under your feet, -anyway. - -SHIRLEY [calmly] Don't you be afeerd. You ain't such prime -company that you need expect to be sought after. [He is about to -go into the shelter when Barbara comes out, with Undershaft on -her right]. - -BARBARA. Oh there you are, Mr Shirley! [Between them] This is my -father: I told you he was a Secularist, didn't I? Perhaps you'll -be able to comfort one another. - -UNDERSHAFT [startled] A Secularist! Not the least in the world: -on the contrary, a confirmed mystic. - -BARBARA. Sorry, I'm sure. By the way, papa, what is your -religion--in case I have to introduce you again? - -UNDERSHAFT. My religion? Well, my dear, I am a Millionaire. That -is my religion. - -BARBARA. Then I'm afraid you and Mr Shirley wont be able to -comfort one another after all. You're not a Millionaire, are you, -Peter? - -SHIRLEY. No; and proud of it. - -UNDERSHAFT [gravely] Poverty, my friend, is not a thing to be -proud of. - -SHIRLEY [angrily] Who made your millions for you? Me and my like. -What's kep us poor? Keepin you rich. I wouldn't have your -conscience, not for all your income. - -UNDERSHAFT. I wouldn't have your income, not for all your -conscience, Mr Shirley. [He goes to the penthouse and sits down -on a form]. - -BARBARA [stopping Shirley adroitly as he is about to retort] You -wouldn't think he was my father, would you, Peter? Will you go -into the shelter and lend the lasses a hand for a while: we're -worked off our feet. - -SHIRLEY [bitterly] Yes: I'm in their debt for a meal, ain't I? - -BARBARA. Oh, not because you're in their debt; but for love of -them, Peter, for love of them. [He cannot understand, and is -rather scandalized]. There! Don't stare at me. In with you; and -give that conscience of yours a holiday [bustling him into the -shelter]. - -SHIRLEY [as he goes in] Ah! it's a pity you never was trained to -use your reason, miss. You'd have been a very taking lecturer on -Secularism. - -Barbara turns to her father. - -UNDERSHAFT. Never mind me, my dear. Go about your work; and let -me watch it for a while. - -BARBARA. All right. - -UNDERSHAFT. For instance, what's the matter with that out-patient -over there? - -BARBARA [looking at Bill, whose attitude has never changed, and -whose expression of brooding wrath has deepened] Oh, we shall -cure him in no time. Just watch. [She goes over to Bill and -waits. He glances up at her and casts his eyes down again, -uneasy, but grimmer than ever]. It would be nice to just stamp on -Mog Habbijam's face, wouldn't it, Bill? - -BILL [starting up from the trough in consternation] It's a lie: I -never said so. [She shakes her head]. Who told you wot was in my -mind? - -BARBARA. Only your new friend. - -BILL. Wot new friend? - -BARBARA. The devil, Bill. When he gets round people they get -miserable, just like you. - -HILL [with a heartbreaking attempt at devil-may-care -cheerfulness] I ain't miserable. [He sits down again, and -stretches his legs in an attempt to seem indifferent]. - -BARBARA. Well, if you're happy, why don't you look happy, as we -do? - -BILL [his legs curling back in spite of him] I'm appy enough, I -tell you. Why don't you lea me alown? Wot av I done to you? I -ain't smashed your face, av I? - -BARBARA [softly: wooing his soul] It's not me that's getting at -you, Bill. - -BILL. Who else is it? - -BARBARA. Somebody that doesn't intend you to smash women's faces, -I suppose. Somebody or something that wants to make a man of you. - -BILL [blustering] Make a man o ME! Ain't I a man? eh? ain't I a -man? Who sez I'm not a man? - -BARBARA. There's a man in you somewhere, I suppose. But why did -he let you hit poor little Jenny Hill? That wasn't very manly of -him, was it? - -BILL [tormented] Av done with it, I tell you. Chock it. I'm sick -of your Jenny Ill and er silly little face. - -BARBARA. Then why do you keep thinking about it? Why does it keep -coming up against you in your mind? You're not getting converted, -are you? - -BILL [with conviction] Not ME. Not likely. Not arf. - -BARBARA. That's right, Bill. Hold out against it. Put out your -strength. Don't let's get you cheap. Todger Fairmile said he -wrestled for three nights against his Salvation harder than he -ever wrestled with the Jap at the music hall. He gave in to the -Jap when his arm was going to break. But he didn't give in to his -salvation until his heart was going to break. Perhaps you'll -escape that. You haven't any heart, have you? - -BILL. Wot dye mean? Wy ain't I got a art the same as ennybody -else? - -BARBARA. A man with a heart wouldn't have bashed poor little -Jenny's face, would he? - -BILL [almost crying] Ow, will you lea me alown? Av I ever offered -to meddle with you, that you come noggin and provowkin me lawk -this? [He writhes convulsively from his eyes to his toes]. - -BARBARA [with a steady soothing hand on his arm and a gentle -voice that never lets him go] It's your soul that's hurting you, -Bill, and not me. We've been through it all ourselves. Come with -us, Bill. [He looks wildly round]. To brave manhood on earth and -eternal glory in heaven. [He is on the point of breaking down]. -Come. [A drum is heard in the shelter; and Bill, with a gasp, -escapes from the spell as Barbara turns quickly. Adolphus enters -from the shelter with a big drum]. Oh! there you are, Dolly. Let -me introduce a new friend of mine, Mr Bill Walker. This is my -bloke, Bill: Mr Cusins. [Cusins salutes with his drumstick]. - -BILL. Goin to marry im? - -BARBARA. Yes. - -BILL [fervently] Gawd elp im! Gawd elp im! - -BARBARA. Why? Do you think he won't be happy with me? - -BILL. I've only ad to stand it for a mornin: e'll av to stand it -for a lifetime. - -CUSINS. That is a frightful reflection, Mr Walker. But I can't -tear myself away from her. - -BILL. Well, I can. [To Barbara] Eah! do you know where I'm goin -to, and wot I'm goin to do? - -BARBARA. Yes: you're going to heaven; and you're coming back here -before the week's out to tell me so. - -BILL. You lie. I'm goin to Kennintahn, to spit in Todger -Fairmile's eye. I bashed Jenny Ill's face; and now I'll get me -own face bashed and come back and show it to er. E'll it me -ardern I it er. That'll make us square. [To Adolphus] Is that -fair or is it not? You're a genlmn: you oughter know. - -BARBARA. Two black eyes wont make one white one, Bill. - -BILL. I didn't ast you. Cawn't you never keep your mahth shut? I -ast the genlmn. - -CUSINS [reflectively] Yes: I think you're right, Mr Walker. Yes: -I should do it. It's curious: it's exactly what an ancient Greek -would have done. - -BARBARA. But what good will it do? - -CUSINS. Well, it will give Mr Fairmile some exercise; and it will -satisfy Mr Walker's soul. - -BILL. Rot! there ain't no sach a thing as a soul. Ah kin you tell -wether I've a soul or not? You never seen it. - -BARBARA. I've seen it hurting you when you went against it. - -BILL [with compressed aggravation] If you was my girl and took -the word out o me mahth lawk thet, I'd give you suthink you'd -feel urtin, so I would. [To Adolphus] You take my tip, mate. Stop -er jawr; or you'll die afore your time. [With intense expression] -Wore aht: thets wot you'll be: wore aht. [He goes away through -the gate]. - -CUSINS [looking after him] I wonder! - -BARBARA. Dolly! [indignant, in her mother's manner]. - -CUSINS. Yes, my dear, it's very wearing to be in love with you. -If it lasts, I quite think I shall die young. - -BARBARA. Should you mind? - -CUSINS. Not at all. [He is suddenly softened, and kisses her over -the drum, evidently not for the first time, as people cannot kiss -over a big drum without practice. Undershaft coughs]. - -BARBARA. It's all right, papa, we've not forgotten you. Dolly: -explain the place to papa: I haven't time. [She goes busily into -the shelter]. - -Undershaft and Adolpbus now have the yard to themselves. -Undershaft, seated on a form, and still keenly attentive, looks -hard at Adolphus. Adolphus looks hard at him. - -UNDERSHAFT. I fancy you guess something of what is in my mind, Mr -Cusins. [Cusins flourishes his drumsticks as if in the art of -beating a lively rataplan, but makes no sound]. Exactly so. But -suppose Barbara finds you out! - -CUSINS. You know, I do not admit that I am imposing on Barbara. I -am quite genuinely interested in the views of the Salvation Army. -The fact is, I am a sort of collector of religions; and the -curious thing is that I find I can believe them all. By the way, -have you any religion? - -UNDERSHAFT. Yes. - -CUSINS. Anything out of the common? - -UNDERSHAFT. Only that there are two things necessary to -Salvation. - -CUSINS [disappointed, but polite] Ah, the Church Catechism. -Charles Lomax also belongs to the Established Church. - -UNDERSHAFT. The two things are-- - -CUSINS. Baptism and-- - -UNDERSHAFT. No. Money and gunpowder. - -CUSINS [surprised, but interested] That is the general opinion of -our governing classes. The novelty is in hearing any man confess -it. - -UNDERSHAFT. Just so. - -CUSINS. Excuse me: is there any place in your religion for honor, -justice, truth, love, mercy and so forth? - -UNDERSHAFT. Yes: they are the graces and luxuries of a rich, -strong, and safe life. - -CUSINS. Suppose one is forced to choose between them and money or -gunpowder? - -UNDERSHAFT. Choose money and gunpowder; for without enough of -both you cannot afford the others. - -CUSINS. That is your religion? - -UNDERSHAFT. Yes. - -The cadence of this reply makes a full close in the conversation. -Cusins twists his face dubiously and contemplates Undershaft. -Undershaft contemplates him. - -CUSINS. Barbara won't stand that. You will have to choose between -your religion and Barbara. - -UNDERSHAFT. So will you, my friend. She will find out that that -drum of yours is hollow. - -CUSINS. Father Undershaft: you are mistaken: I am a sincere -Salvationist. You do not understand the Salvation Army. It is the -army of joy, of love, of courage: it has banished the fear and -remorse and despair of the old hellridden evangelical sects: it -marches to fight the devil with trumpet and drum, with music and -dancing, with banner and palm, as becomes a sally from heaven by -its happy garrison. It picks the waster out of the public house -and makes a man of him: it finds a worm wriggling in a back -kitchen, and lo! a woman! Men and women of rank too, sons and -daughters of the Highest. It takes the poor professor of Greek, -the most artificial and self-suppressed of human creatures, from -his meal of roots, and lets loose the rhapsodist in him; reveals -the true worship of Dionysos to him; sends him down the public -street drumming dithyrambs [he plays a thundering flourish on the -drum]. - -UNDERSHAFT. You will alarm the shelter. - -CUSINS. Oh, they are accustomed to these sudden ecstasies of -piety. However, if the drum worries you-- [he pockets the -drumsticks; unhooks the drum; and stands it on the ground -opposite the gateway]. - -UNDERSHAFT. Thank you. - -CUSINS. You remember what Euripides says about your money and -gunpowder? - -UNDERSHAFT. No. - -CUSINS [declaiming] - - One and another -In money and guns may outpass his brother; -And men in their millions float and flow -And seethe with a million hopes as leaven; -And they win their will; or they miss their will; -And their hopes are dead or are pined for still: - But whoe'er can know - As the long days go -That to live is happy, has found his heaven. - -My translation: what do you think of it? - -UNDERSHAFT. I think, my friend, that if you wish to know, -as the long days go, that to live is happy, you must first -acquire money enough for a decent life, and power enough to be -your own master. - -CUSINS. You are damnably discouraging. [He resumes his -declamation]. - - Is it so hard a thing to see - That the spirit of God--whate'er it be-- -The Law that abides and changes not, ages long, -The Eternal and Nature-born: these things be strong. -What else is Wisdom? What of Man's endeavor, -Or God's high grace so lovely and so great? -To stand from fear set free? to breathe and wait? -To hold a hand uplifted over Fate? -And shall not Barbara be loved for ever? - -UNDERSHAFT. Euripides mentions Barbara, does he? - -CUSINS. It is a fair translation. The word means Loveliness. - -UNDERSHAFT. May I ask--as Barbara's father--how much a year she -is to be loved for ever on? - -CUSINS. As Barbara's father, that is more your affair than mine. -I can feed her by teaching Greek: that is about all. - -UNDERSHAFT. Do you consider it a good match for her? - -CUSINS [with polite obstinacy] Mr Undershaft: I am in many ways a -weak, timid, ineffectual person; and my health is far from -satisfactory. But whenever I feel that I must have anything, I -get it, sooner or later. I feel that way about Barbara. I don't -like marriage: I feel intensely afraid of it; and I don't know -what I shall do with Barbara or what she will do with me. But I -feel that I and nobody else must marry her. Please regard that as -settled.--Not that I wish to be arbitrary; but why should I waste -your time in discussing what is inevitable? - -UNDERSHAFT. You mean that you will stick at nothing not even the -conversion of the Salvation Army to the worship of Dionysos. - -CUSINS. The business of the Salvation Army is to save, not to -wrangle about the name of the pathfinder. Dionysos or another: -what does it matter? - -UNDERSHAFT [rising and approaching him] Professor Cusins you are -a young man after my own heart. - -CUSINS. Mr Undershaft: you are, as far as I am able to gather, a -most infernal old rascal; but you appeal very strongly to my -sense of ironic humor. - -Undershaft mutely offers his hand. They shake. - -UNDERSHAFT [suddenly concentrating himself] And now to business. - -CUSINS. Pardon me. We were discussing religion. Why go back to -such an uninteresting and unimportant subject as business? - -UNDERSHAFT. Religion is our business at present, because it is -through religion alone that we can win Barbara. - -CUSINS. Have you, too, fallen in love with Barbara? - -UNDERSHAFT. Yes, with a father's love. - -CUSINS. A father's love for a grown-up daughter is the most -dangerous of all infatuations. I apologize for mentioning my own -pale, coy, mistrustful fancy in the same breath with it. - -UNDERSHAFT. Keep to the point. We have to win her; and we are -neither of us Methodists. - -CUSINS. That doesn't matter. The power Barbara wields here--the -power that wields Barbara herself--is not Calvinism, not -Presbyterianism, not Methodism-- - -UNDERSHAFT. Not Greek Paganism either, eh? - -CUSINS. I admit that. Barbara is quite original in her religion. - -UNDERSHAFT [triumphantly] Aha! Barbara Undershaft would be. Her -inspiration comes from within herself. - -CUSINS. How do you suppose it got there? - -UNDERSHAFT [in towering excitement] It is the Undershaft -inheritance. I shall hand on my torch to my daughter. She shall -make my converts and preach my gospel. - -CUSINS. What! Money and gunpowder! - -UNDERSHAFT. Yes, money and gunpowder; freedom and power; command -of life and command of death. - -CUSINS [urbanely: trying to bring him down to earth] This is -extremely interesting, Mr Undershaft. Of course you know that you -are mad. - -UNDERSHAFT [with redoubled force] And you? - -CUSINS. Oh, mad as a hatter. You are welcome to my secret since I -have discovered yours. But I am astonished. Can a madman make -cannons? - -UNDERSHAFT. Would anyone else than a madman make them? And now -[with surging energy] question for question. Can a sane man -translate Euripides? - -CUSINS. No. - -UNDERSHAFT [reining him by the shoulder] Can a sane woman make a -man of a waster or a woman of a worm? - -CUSINS [reeling before the storm] Father Colossus--Mammoth -Millionaire-- - -UNDERSHAFT [pressing him] Are there two mad people or three in -this Salvation shelter to-day? - -CUSINS. You mean Barbara is as mad as we are! - -UNDERSHAFT [pushing him lightly off and resuming his equanimity -suddenly and completely] Pooh, Professor! let us call things by -their proper names. I am a millionaire; you are a poet; Barbara -is a savior of souls. What have we three to do with the common -mob of slaves and idolaters? [He sits down again with a shrug of -contempt for the mob]. - -CUSINS. Take care! Barbara is in love with the common people. So -am I. Have you never felt the romance of that love? - -UNDERSHAFT [cold and sardonic] Have you ever been in love with -Poverty, like St Francis? Have you ever been in love with Dirt, -like St Simeon? Have you ever been in love with disease and -suffering, like our nurses and philanthropists? Such passions are -not virtues, but the most unnatural of all the vices. This love -of the common people may please an earl's granddaughter and a -university professor; but I have been a common man and a poor -man; and it has no romance for me. Leave it to the poor to -pretend that poverty is a blessing: leave it to the coward to -make a religion of his cowardice by preaching humility: we know -better than that. We three must stand together above the common -people: how else can we help their children to climb up beside -us? Barbara must belong to us, not to the Salvation Army. - -CUSINS. Well, I can only say that if you think you will get her -away from the Salvation Army by talking to her as you have been -talking to me, you don't know Barbara. - -UNDERSHAFT. My friend: I never ask for what I can buy. - -CUSINS [in a white fury] Do I understand you to imply that you -can buy Barbara? - -UNDERSHAFT. No; but I can buy the Salvation Army. - -CUSINS. Quite impossible. - -UNDERSHAFT. You shall see. All religious organizations exist by -selling themselves to the rich. - -CUSINS. Not the Army. That is the Church of the poor. - -UNDERSHAFT. All the more reason for buying it. - -CUSINS. I don't think you quite know what the Army does for the -poor. - -UNDERSHAFT. Oh yes I do. It draws their teeth: that is enough for -me--as a man of business-- - -CUSINS. Nonsense! It makes them sober-- - -UNDERSHAFT. I prefer sober workmen. The profits are larger. - -CUSINS. --honest-- - -UNDERSHAFT. Honest workmen are the most economical. - -CUSINS. --attached to their homes-- - -UNDERSHAFT. So much the better: they will put up with anything -sooner than change their shop. - -CUSINS. --happy-- - -UNDERSHAFT. An invaluable safeguard against revolution. - -CUSINS. --unselfish-- - -UNDERSHAFT. Indifferent to their own interests, which suits me -exactly. - -CUSINS. --with their thoughts on heavenly things-- - -UNDERSHAFT [rising] And not on Trade Unionism nor Socialism. -Excellent. - -CUSINS [revolted] You really are an infernal old rascal. - -UNDERSHAFT [indicating Peter Shirley, who has just came from the -shelter and strolled dejectedly down the yard between them] And -this is an honest man! - -SHIRLEY. Yes; and what av I got by it? [he passes on bitterly and -sits on the form, in the corner of the penthouse]. - -Snobby Price, beaming sanctimoniously, and Jenny Hill, with a -tambourine full of coppers, come from the shelter and go to the -drum, on which Jenny begins to count the money. - -UNDERSHAFT [replying to Shirley] Oh, your employers must have got -a good deal by it from first to last. [He sits on the table, with -one foot on the side form. Cusins, overwhelmed, sits down on the -same form nearer the shelter. Barbara comes from the shelter to -the middle of the yard. She is excited and a little overwrought]. - -BARBARA. We've just had a splendid experience meeting at the -other gate in Cripps's lane. I've hardly ever seen them so much -moved as they were by your confession, Mr Price. - -PRICE. I could almost be glad of my past wickedness if I could -believe that it would elp to keep hathers stright. - -BARBARA. So it will, Snobby. How much, Jenny? - -JENNY. Four and tenpence, Major. - -BARBARA. Oh Snobby, if you had given your poor mother just one -more kick, we should have got the whole five shillings! - -PRICE. If she heard you say that, miss, she'd be sorry I didn't. -But I'm glad. Oh what a joy it will be to her when she hears I'm -saved! - -UNDERSHAFT. Shall I contribute the odd twopence, Barbara? The -millionaire's mite, eh? [He takes a couple of pennies from his -pocket.] - -BARBARA. How did you make that twopence? - -UNDERSHAFT. As usual. By selling cannons, torpedoes, submarines, -and my new patent Grand Duke hand grenade. - -BARBARA. Put it back in your pocket. You can't buy your Salvation -here for twopence: you must work it out. - -UNDERSHAFT. Is twopence not enough? I can afford a little more, -if you press me. - -BARBARA. Two million millions would not be enough. There is bad -blood on your hands; and nothing but good blood can cleanse them. -Money is no use. Take it away. [She turns to Cusins]. Dolly: you -must write another letter for me to the papers. [He makes a wry -face]. Yes: I know you don't like it; but it must be done. The -starvation this winter is beating us: everybody is unemployed. -The General says we must close this shelter if we cant get more -money. I force the collections at the meetings until I am -ashamed, don't I, Snobby? - -PRICE. It's a fair treat to see you work it, miss. The way you -got them up from three-and-six to four-and-ten with that hymn, -penny by penny and verse by verse, was a caution. Not a Cheap -Jack on Mile End Waste could touch you at it. - -BARBARA. Yes; but I wish we could do without it. I am getting at -last to think more of the collection than of the people's souls. -And what are those hatfuls of pence and halfpence? We want -thousands! tens of thousands! hundreds of thousands! I want to -convert people, not to be always begging for the Army in a way -I'd die sooner than beg for myself. - -UNDERSHAFT [in profound irony] Genuine unselfishness is capable -of anything, my dear. - -BARBARA [unsuspectingly, as she turns away to take the money -from the drum and put it in a cash bag she carries] Yes, isn't -it? [Undershaft looks sardonically at Cusins]. - -CUSINS [aside to Undershaft] Mephistopheles! Machiavelli! - -BARBARA [tears coming into her eyes as she ties the bag and -pockets it] How are we to feed them? I can't talk religion to a -man with bodily hunger in his eyes. [Almost breaking down] It's -frightful. - -JENNY [running to her] Major, dear-- - -BARBARA [rebounding] No: don't comfort me. It will be all right. -We shall get the money. - -UNDERSHAFT. How? - -JENNY. By praying for it, of course. Mrs Baines says she prayed -for it last night; and she has never prayed for it in vain: never -once. [She goes to the gate and looks out into the street]. - -BARBARA [who has dried her eyes and regained her composure] By -the way, dad, Mrs Baines has come to march with us to our big -meeting this afternoon; and she is very anxious to meet you, for -some reason or other. Perhaps she'll convert you. - -UNDERSHAFT. I shall be delighted, my dear. - -JENNY [at the gate: excitedly] Major! Major! Here's that man back -again. - -BARBARA. What man? - -JENNY. The man that hit me. Oh, I hope he's coming back to join -us. - -Bill Walker, with frost on his jacket, comes through the gate, -his hands deep in his pockets and his chin sunk between his -shoulders, like a cleaned-out gambler. He halts between Barbara -and the drum. - -BARBARA. Hullo, Bill! Back already! - -BILL [nagging at her] Bin talkin ever sense, av you? - -BARBARA. Pretty nearly. Well, has Todger paid you out for poor -Jenny's jaw? - -BILL. NO he ain't. - -BARBARA. I thought your jacket looked a bit snowy. - -BILL. So it is snowy. You want to know where the snow come from, -don't you? - -BARBARA. Yes. - -BILL. Well, it come from off the ground in Parkinses Corner in -Kennintahn. It got rubbed off be my shoulders see? - -BARBARA. Pity you didn't rub some off with your knees, Bill! That -would have done you a lot of good. - -BILL [with your mirthless humor] I was saving another man's knees -at the time. E was kneelin on my ed, so e was. - -JENNY. Who was kneeling on your head? - -BILL. Todger was. E was prayin for me: prayin comfortable with me -as a carpet. So was Mog. So was the ole bloomin meetin. Mog she -sez "O Lord break is stubborn spirit; but don't urt is dear art." -That was wot she said. "Don't urt is dear art"! An er bloke--thirteen -stun four!--kneelin wiv all is weight on me. Funny, ain't it? - -JENNY. Oh no. We're so sorry, Mr Walker. - -BARBARA [enjoying it frankly] Nonsense! of course it's funny. -Served you right, Bill! You must have done something to him -first. - -BILL [doggedly] I did wot I said I'd do. I spit in is eye. E -looks up at the sky and sez, "O that I should be fahnd worthy to -be spit upon for the gospel's sake!" a sez; an Mog sez "Glory -Allelloolier!"; an then a called me Brother, an dahned me as if I -was a kid and a was me mother washin me a Setterda nawt. I adn't -just no show wiv im at all. Arf the street prayed; an the tother -arf larfed fit to split theirselves. [To Barbara] There! are you -settisfawd nah? - -BARBARA [her eyes dancing] Wish I'd been there, Bill. - -BILL. Yes: you'd a got in a hextra bit o talk on me, wouldn't -you? - -JENNY. I'm so sorry, Mr. Walker. - -BILL [fiercely] Don't you go bein sorry for me: you've no call. -Listen ere. I broke your jawr. - -JENNY. No, it didn't hurt me: indeed it didn't, except for a -moment. It was only that I was frightened. - -BILL. I don't want to be forgive be you, or be ennybody. Wot I -did I'll pay for. I tried to get me own jawr broke to settisfaw -you-- - -JENNY [distressed] Oh no-- - -BILL [impatiently] Tell y'I did: cawn't you listen to wot's bein -told you? All I got be it was bein made a sight of in the public -street for me pains. Well, if I cawn't settisfaw you one way, I -can another. Listen ere! I ad two quid saved agen the frost; an -I've a pahnd of it left. A mate n mine last week ad words with -the Judy e's goin to marry. E give er wot-for; an e's bin fined -fifteen bob. E ad a right to it er because they was goin to be -marrid; but I adn't no right to it you; so put anather fawv bob -on an call it a pahnd's worth. [He produces a sovereign]. Ere's -the money. Take it; and let's av no more o your forgivin an -prayin and your Major jawrin me. Let wot I done be done and paid -for; and let there be a end of it. - -JENNY. Oh, I couldn't take it, Mr. Walker. But if you would give -a shilling or two to poor Rummy Mitchens! you really did hurt -her; and she's old. - -BILL [contemptuously] Not likely. I'd give her anather as soon as -look at er. Let her av the lawr o me as she threatened! She ain't -forgiven me: not mach. Wot I done to er is not on me mawnd--wot -she [indicating Barbara] might call on me conscience--no more -than stickin a pig. It's this Christian game o yours that I won't -av played agen me: this bloomin forgivin an noggin an jawrin that -makes a man that sore that iz lawf's a burdn to im. I won't av -it, I tell you; so take your money and stop throwin your silly -bashed face hup agen me. - -JENNY. Major: may I take a little of it for the Army? - -BARBARA. No: the Army is not to be bought. We want your soul, -Bill; and we'll take nothing less. - -BILL [bitterly] I know. It ain't enough. Me an me few shillins is -not good enough for you. You're a earl's grendorter, you are. -Nothin less than a underd pahnd for you. - -UNDERSHAFT. Come, Barbara! you could do a great deal of good with -a hundred pounds. If you will set this gentleman's mind at ease -by taking his pound, I will give the other ninety-nine [Bill, -astounded by such opulence, instinctively touches his cap]. - -BARBARA. Oh, you're too extravagant, papa. Bill offers twenty -pieces of silver. All you need offer is the other ten. That will -make the standard price to buy anybody who's for sale. I'm not; -and the Army's not. [To Bill] You'll never have another quiet -moment, Bill, until you come round to us. You can't stand out -against your salvation. - -BILL [sullenly] I cawn't stend aht agen music all wrastlers and -artful tongued women. I've offered to pay. I can do no more. Take -it or leave it. There it is. [He throws the sovereign on the -drum, and sits down on the horse-trough. The coin fascinates -Snobby Price, who takes an early opportunity of dropping his cap -on it]. - -Mrs Baines comes from the shelter. She is dressed as a Salvation -Army Commissioner. She is an earnest looking woman of about 40, -with a caressing, urgent voice, and an appealing manner. - -BARBARA. This is my father, Mrs Baines. [Undershaft comes from -the table, taking his hat off with marked civility]. Try what you -can do with him. He won't listen to me, because he remembers what -a fool I was when I was a baby. - -[She leaves them together and chats with Jenny]. - -MRS BAINES. Have you been shown over the shelter, Mr Undershaft? -You know the work we're doing, of course. - -UNDERSHAFT [very civilly] The whole nation knows it, Mrs Baines. - -MRS BAINES. No, Sir: the whole nation does not know it, or we -should not be crippled as we are for want of money to carry our -work through the length and breadth of the land. Let me tell you -that there would have been rioting this winter in London but for -us. - -UNDERSHAFT. You really think so? - -MRS BAINES. I know it. I remember 1886, when you rich gentlemen -hardened your hearts against the cry of the poor. They broke the -windows of your clubs in Pall Mall. - -UNDERSHAFT [gleaming with approval of their method] And the -Mansion House Fund went up next day from thirty thousand pounds -to seventy-nine thousand! I remember quite well. - -MRS BAINES. Well, won't you help me to get at the people? They -won't break windows then. Come here, Price. Let me show you to -this gentleman [Price comes to be inspected]. Do you remember the -window breaking? - -PRICE. My ole father thought it was the revolution, ma'am. - -MRS BAINES. Would you break windows now? - -PRICE. Oh no ma'm. The windows of eaven av bin opened to me. I -know now that the rich man is a sinner like myself. - -RUMMY [appearing above at the loft door] Snobby Price! - -SNOBBY. Wot is it? - -RUMMY. Your mother's askin for you at the other gate in Crippses -Lane. She's heard about your confession [Price turns pale]. - -MRS BAINES. Go, Mr. Price; and pray with her. - -JENNY. You can go through the shelter, Snobby. - -PRICE [to Mrs Baines] I couldn't face her now; ma'am, with all -the weight of my sins fresh on me. Tell her she'll find her son -at ome, waitin for her in prayer. [He skulks off through the -gate, incidentally stealing the sovereign on his way out by -picking up his cap from the drum]. - -MRS BAINES [with swimming eyes] You see how we take the anger and -the bitterness against you out of their hearts, Mr Undershaft. - -UNDERSHAFT. It is certainly most convenient and gratifying to all -large employers of labor, Mrs Baines. - -MRS BAINES. Barbara: Jenny: I have good news: most wonderful -news. [Jenny runs to her]. My prayers have been answered. I told -you they would, Jenny, didn't I? - -JENNY. Yes, yes. - -BARBARA [moving nearer to the drum] Have we got money enough to -keep the shelter open? - -MRS BAINES. I hope we shall have enough to keep all the shelters -open. Lord Saxmundham has promised us five thousand pounds-- - -BARBARA. Hooray! - -JENNY. Glory! - -MRS BAINES. --if-- - -BARBARA. "If!" If what? - -MRS BAINES. If five other gentlemen will give a thousand each to -make it up to ten thousand. - -BARBARA. Who is Lord Saxmundham? I never heard of him. - -UNDERSHAFT [who has pricked up his ears at the peer's name, and -is now watching Barbara curiously] A new creation, my dear. You -have heard of Sir Horace Bodger? - -BARBARA. Bodger! Do you mean the distiller? Bodger's whisky! - -UNDERSHAFT. That is the man. He is one of the greatest of our -public benefactors. He restored the cathedral at Hakington. They -made him a baronet for that. He gave half a million to the funds -of his party: they made him a baron for that. - -SHIRLEY. What will they give him for the five thousand? - -UNDERSHAFT. There is nothing left to give him. So the five -thousand, I should think, is to save his soul. - -MRS BAINES. Heaven grant it may! Oh Mr. Undershaft, you have some -very rich friends. Can't you help us towards the other five -thousand? We are going to hold a great meeting this afternoon at -the Assembly Hall in the Mile End Road. If I could only announce -that one gentleman had come forward to support Lord Saxmundham, -others would follow. Don't you know somebody? Couldn't you? -Wouldn't you? [her eyes fill with tears] oh, think of those poor -people, Mr Undershaft: think of how much it means to them, and -how little to a great man like you. - -UNDERSHAFT [sardonically gallant] Mrs Baines: you are -irresistible. I can't disappoint you; and I can't deny myself the -satisfaction of making Bodger pay up. You shall have your five -thousand pounds. - -MRS BAINES. Thank God! - -UNDERSHAFT. You don't thank me? - -MRS BAINES. Oh sir, don't try to be cynical: don't be ashamed of -being a good man. The Lord will bless you abundantly; and our -prayers will be like a strong fortification round you all the -days of your life. [With a touch of caution] You will let me have -the cheque to show at the meeting, won't you? Jenny: go in and -fetch a pen and ink. [Jenny runs to the shelter door]. - -UNDERSHAFT. Do not disturb Miss Hill: I have a fountain pen. -[Jenny halts. He sits at the table and writes the cheque. Cusins -rises to make more room for him. They all watch him silently]. - -BILL [cynically, aside to Barbara, his voice and accent horribly -debased] Wot prawce Selvytion nah? - -BARBARA. Stop. [Undershaft stops writing: they all turn to her in -surprise]. Mrs Baines: are you really going to take this money? - -MRS BAINES [astonished] Why not, dear? - -BARBARA. Why not! Do you know what my father is? Have you -forgotten that Lord Saxmundham is Bodger the whisky man? Do you -remember how we implored the County Council to stop him from -writing Bodger's Whisky in letters of fire against the sky; so -that the poor drinkruined creatures on the embankment could not -wake up from their snatches of sleep without being reminded of -their deadly thirst by that wicked sky sign? Do you know that the -worst thing I have had to fight here is not the devil, but -Bodger, Bodger, Bodger, with his whisky, his distilleries, and -his tied houses? Are you going to make our shelter another tied -house for him, and ask me to keep it? - -BILL. Rotten drunken whisky it is too. - -MRS BAINES. Dear Barbara: Lord Saxmundham has a soul to be saved -like any of us. If heaven has found the way to make a good use of -his money, are we to set ourselves up against the answer to our -prayers? - -BARBARA. I know he has a soul to be saved. Let him come down -here; and I'll do my best to help him to his salvation. But he -wants to send his cheque down to buy us, and go on being as -wicked as ever. - -UNDERSHAFT [with a reasonableness which Cusins alone perceives to -be ironical] My dear Barbara: alcohol is a very necessary -article. It heals the sick-- - -BARBARA. It does nothing of the sort. - -UNDERSHAFT. Well, it assists the doctor: that is perhaps a less -questionable way of putting it. It makes life bearable to -millions of people who could not endure their existence if they -were quite sober. It enables Parliament to do things at eleven at -night that no sane person would do at eleven in the morning. Is -it Bodger's fault that this inestimable gift is deplorably abused -by less than one per cent of the poor? [He turns again to the -table; signs the cheque; and crosses it]. - -MRS BAINES. Barbara: will there be less drinking or more if all -those poor souls we are saving come to-morrow and find the doors -of our shelters shut in their faces? Lord Saxmundham gives us the -money to stop drinking--to take his own business from him. - -CUSINS [impishly] Pure self-sacrifice on Bodger's part, clearly! -Bless dear Bodger! [Barbara almost breaks down as Adolpbus, too, -fails her]. - -UNDERSHAFT [tearing out the cheque and pocketing the book as he -rises and goes past Cusins to Mrs Baines] I also, Mrs Baines, may -claim a little disinterestedness. Think of my business! think of -the widows and orphans! the men and lads torn to pieces with -shrapnel and poisoned with lyddite [Mrs Baines shrinks; but he -goes on remorselessly]! the oceans of blood, not one drop of -which is shed in a really just cause! the ravaged crops! the -peaceful peasants forced, women and men, to till their fields -under the fire of opposing armies on pain of starvation! the bad -blood of the fierce little cowards at home who egg on others to -fight for the gratification of their national vanity! All this -makes money for me: I am never richer, never busier than when the -papers are full of it. Well, it is your work to preach peace on -earth and goodwill to men. [Mrs Baines's face lights up again]. -Every convert you make is a vote against war. [Her lips move in -prayer]. Yet I give you this money to help you to hasten my own -commercial ruin. [He gives her the cheque]. - -CUSINS [mounting the form in an ecstasy of mischief] The -millennium will be inaugurated by the unselfishness of Undershaft -and Bodger. Oh be joyful! [He takes the drumsticks from his -pockets and flourishes them]. - -MRS BAINES [taking the cheque] The longer I live the more proof I -see that there is an Infinite Goodness that turns everything to -the work of salvation sooner or later. Who would have thought -that any good could have come out of war and drink? And yet their -profits are brought today to the feet of salvation to do its -blessed work. [She is affected to tears]. - -JENNY [running to Mrs Baines and throwing her arms round her] Oh -dear! how blessed, how glorious it all is! - -CUSINS [in a convulsion of irony] Let us seize this unspeakable -moment. Let us march to the great meeting at once. Excuse me just -an instant. [He rushes into the shelter. Jenny takes her -tambourine from the drum head]. - -MRS BAINES. Mr Undershaft: have you ever seen a thousand people -fall on their knees with one impulse and pray? Come with us to -the meeting. Barbara shall tell them that the Army is saved, and -saved through you. - -CUSINS [returning impetuously from the shelter with a flag and a -trombone, and coming between Mrs Baines and Undershaft] You shall -carry the flag down the first street, Mrs Baines [he gives her -the flag]. Mr Undershaft is a gifted trombonist: he shall intone -an Olympian diapason to the West Ham Salvation March. [Aside to -Undershaft, as he forces the trombone on him] Blow, Machiavelli, -blow. - -UNDERSHAFT [aside to him, as he takes the trombone] The trumpet -in Zion! [Cusins rushes to the drum, which he takes up and puts -on. Undershaft continues, aloud] I will do my best. I could vamp -a bass if I knew the tune. - -CUSINS. It is a wedding chorus from one of Donizetti's operas; -but we have converted it. We convert everything to good here, -including Bodger. You remember the chorus. "For thee immense -rejoicing--immenso giubilo--immenso giubilo." [With drum -obbligato] Rum tum ti tum tum, tum tum ti ta-- - -BARBARA. Dolly: you are breaking my heart. - -CUSINS. What is a broken heart more or less here? Dionysos -Undershaft has descended. I am possessed. - -MRS BAINES. Come, Barbara: I must have my dear Major to carry the -flag with me. - -JENNY. Yes, yes, Major darling. - -CUSINS [snatches the tambourine out of Jenny's hand and mutely -offers it to Barbara]. - -BARBARA [coming forward a little as she puts the offer behind her -with a shudder, whilst Cusins recklessly tosses the tambourine -back to Jenny and goes to the gate] I can't come. - -JENNY. Not come! - -MRS BAINES [with tears in her eyes] Barbara: do you think -I am wrong to take the money? - -BARBARA [impulsively going to her and kissing her] No, no: -God help you, dear, you must: you are saving the Army. Go; and -may you have a great meeting! - -JENNY. But arn't you coming? - -BARBARA. No. [She begins taking off the silver brooch from her -collar]. - -MRS BAINES. Barbara: what are you doing? - -JENNY. Why are you taking your badge off? You can't be going to -leave us, Major. - -BARBARA [quietly] Father: come here. - -UNDERSHAFT [coming to her] My dear! [Seeing that she is going to -pin the badge on his collar, he retreats to the penthouse in some -alarm]. - -BARBARA [following him] Don't be frightened. [She pins the badge -on and steps back towards the table, showing him to the others] -There! It's not much for 5000 pounds is it? - -MRS BAINES. Barbara: if you won't come and pray with us, promise -me you will pray for us. - -BARBARA. I can't pray now. Perhaps I shall never pray again. - -MRS BAINES. Barbara! - -JENNY. Major! - -BARBARA [almost delirious] I can't bear any more. Quick march! - -CUSINS [calling to the procession in the street outside] Off we -go. Play up, there! Immenso giubilo. [He gives the time with his -drum; and the band strikes up the march, which rapidly becomes -more distant as the procession moves briskly away]. - -MRS BAINES. I must go, dear. You're overworked: you will be all -right tomorrow. We'll never lose you. Now Jenny: step out with -the old flag. Blood and Fire! [She marches out through the gate -with her flag]. - -JENNY. Glory Hallelujah! [flourishing her tambourine and -marching]. - -UNDERSHAFT [to Cusins, as he marches out past him easing the -slide of his trombone] "My ducats and my daughter"! - -CUSINS [following him out] Money and gunpowder! - -BARBARA. Drunkenness and Murder! My God: why hast thou forsaken -me? - -She sinks on the form with her face buried in her hands. The -march passes away into silence. Bill Walker steals across to her. - -BILL [taunting] Wot prawce Selvytion nah? - -SHIRLEY. Don't you hit her when she's down. - -BILL. She it me wen aw wiz dahn. Waw shouldn't I git a bit o me -own back? - -BARBARA [raising her head] I didn't take your money, Bill. [She -crosses the yard to the gate and turns her back on the two men to -hide her face from them]. - -BILL [sneering after her] Naow, it warn't enough for you. -[Turning to the drum, he misses the money]. Ellow! If you ain't -took it summun else az. Were's it gorn? Blame me if Jenny Ill -didn't take it arter all! - -RUMMY [screaming at him from the loft] You lie, you dirty -blackguard! Snobby Price pinched it off the drum wen e took ap iz -cap. I was ap ere all the time an see im do it. - -BILL. Wot! Stowl maw money! Waw didn't you call thief on him, you -silly old mucker you? - -RUMMY. To serve you aht for ittin me acrost the face. It's cost -y'pahnd, that az. [Raising a paean of squalid triumph] I done -you. I'm even with you. I've ad it aht o y--. [Bill snatches up -Shirley's mug and hurls it at her. She slams the loft door and -vanishes. The mug smashes against the door and falls in -fragments]. - -BILL [beginning to chuckle] Tell us, ole man, wot o'clock this -morrun was it wen im as they call Snobby Prawce was sived? - -BARBARA [turning to him more composedly, and with unspoiled -sweetness] About half past twelve, Bill. And he pinched your -pound at a quarter to two. I know. Well, you can't afford to lose -it. I'll send it to you. - -BILL [his voice and accent suddenly improving] Not if I was to -starve for it. I ain't to be bought. - -SHIRLEY. Ain't you? You'd sell yourself to the devil for a pint o -beer; ony there ain't no devil to make the offer. - -BILL [unshamed] So I would, mate, and often av, cheerful. But she -cawn't buy me. [Approaching Barbara] You wanted my soul, did you? -Well, you ain't got it. - -BARBARA. I nearly got it, Bill. But we've sold it back to you for -ten thousand pounds. - -SHIRLEY. And dear at the money! - -BARBARA. No, Peter: it was worth more than money. - -BILL [salvationproof] It's no good: you cawn't get rahnd me nah. -I don't blieve in it; and I've seen today that I was right. -[Going] So long, old soupkitchener! Ta, ta, Major Earl's Grendorter! -[Turning at the gate] Wot prawce Selvytion nah? Snobby Prawce! -Ha! ha! - -BARBARA [offering her hand] Goodbye, Bill. - -BILL [taken aback, half plucks his cap off then shoves it on -again defiantly] Git aht. [Barbara drops her hand, discouraged. -He has a twinge of remorse]. But thet's aw rawt, you knaow. -Nathink pasnl. Naow mellice. So long, Judy. [He goes]. - -BARBARA. No malice. So long, Bill. - -SHIRLEY [shaking his head] You make too much of him, miss, in -your innocence. - -BARBARA [going to him] Peter: I'm like you now. Cleaned out, and -lost my job. - -SHIRLEY. You've youth an hope. That's two better than me. That's -hope for you. - -BARBARA. I'll get you a job, Peter, the youth will have to be -enough for me. [She counts her money]. I have just enough left -for two teas at Lockharts, a Rowton doss for you, and my tram and -bus home. [He frowns and rises with offended pride. She takes his -arm]. Don't be proud, Peter: it's sharing between friends. And -promise me you'll talk to me and not let me cry. [She draws him -towards the gate]. - -SHIRLEY. Well, I'm not accustomed to talk to the like of you-- - -BARBARA [urgently] Yes, yes: you must talk to me. Tell me about -Tom Paine's books and Bradlaugh's lectures. Come along. - -SHIRLEY. Ah, if you would only read Tom Paine in the proper -spirit, miss! [They go out through the gate together]. - - - -ACT III - -Next day after lunch Lady Britomart is writing in the library in -Wilton Crescent. Sarah is reading in the armchair near the -window. Barbara, in ordinary dress, pale and brooding, is on the -settee. Charley Lomax enters. Coming forward between the settee -and the writing table, he starts on seeing Barbara fashionably -attired and in low spirits. - -LOMAX. You've left off your uniform! - -Barbara says nothing; but an expression of pain passes over -her face. - -LADY BRITOMART [warning him in low tones to be careful] Charles! - -LOMAX [much concerned, sitting down sympathetically on the settee -beside Barbara] I'm awfully sorry, Barbara. You know I helped you -all I could with the concertina and so forth. [Momentously] -Still, I have never shut my eyes to the fact that there is a -certain amount of tosh about the Salvation Army. Now the claims -of the Church of England-- - -LADY BRITOMART. That's enough, Charles. Speak of something suited -to your mental capacity. - -LOMAX. But surely the Church of England is suited to all our -capacities. - -BARBARA [pressing his hand] Thank you for your sympathy, Cholly. -Now go and spoon with Sarah. - -LOMAX [rising and going to Sarah] How is my ownest today? - -SARAH. I wish you wouldn't tell Cholly to do things, Barbara. He -always comes straight and does them. Cholly: we're going to the -works at Perivale St. Andrews this afternoon. - -LOMAX. What works? - -SARAH. The cannon works. - -LOMAX. What! Your governor's shop! - -SARAH. Yes. - -LOMAX. Oh I say! - -Cusins enters in poor condition. He also starts visibly when he -sees Barbara without her uniform. - -BARBARA. I expected you this morning, Dolly. Didn't you guess -that? - -CUSINS [sitting down beside her] I'm sorry. I have only just -breakfasted. - -SARAH. But we've just finished lunch. - -BARBARA. Have you had one of your bad nights? - -CUSINS. No: I had rather a good night: in fact, one of the most -remarkable nights I have ever passed. - -BARBARA. The meeting? - -CUSINS. No: after the meeting. - -LADY BRITOMART. You should have gone to bed after the meeting. -What were you doing? - -CUSINS. Drinking. - -LADY BRITOMART. {Adolphus! -SARAH. {Dolly! -BARBARA. {Dolly! -LOMAX. {Oh I say! - -LADY BRITOMART. What were you drinking, may I ask? - -CUSINS. A most devilish kind of Spanish burgundy, warranted free -from added alcohol: a Temperance burgundy in fact. Its richness -in natural alcohol made any addition superfluous. - -BARBARA. Are you joking, Dolly? - -CUSINS [patiently] No. I have been making a night of it with the -nominal head of this household: that is all. - -LADY BRITOMART. Andrew made you drunk! - -CUSINS. No: he only provided the wine. I think it was Dionysos -who made me drunk. [To Barbara] I told you I was possessed. - -LADY BRITOMART. You're not sober yet. Go home to bed at once. - -CUSINS. I have never before ventured to reproach you, Lady Brit; -but how could you marry the Prince of Darkness? - -LADY BRITOMART. It was much more excusable to marry him than to -get drunk with him. That is a new accomplishment of Andrew's, by -the way. He usen't to drink. - -CUSINS. He doesn't now. He only sat there and completed the wreck -of my moral basis, the rout of my convictions, the purchase of my -soul. He cares for you, Barbara. That is what makes him so -dangerous to me. - -BARBARA. That has nothing to do with it, Dolly. There are larger -loves and diviner dreams than the fireside ones. You know that, -don't you? - -CUSINS. Yes: that is our understanding. I know it. I hold to it. -Unless he can win me on that holier ground he may amuse me for a -while; but he can get no deeper hold, strong as he is. - -BARBARA. Keep to that; and the end will be right. Now tell me -what happened at the meeting? - -CUSINS. It was an amazing meeting. Mrs Baines almost died of -emotion. Jenny Hill went stark mad with hysteria. The Prince of -Darkness played his trombone like a madman: its brazen roarings -were like the laughter of the damned. 117 conversions took place -then and there. They prayed with the most touching sincerity and -gratitude for Bodger, and for the anonymous donor of the 5000 -pounds. Your father would not let his name be given. - -LOMAX. That was rather fine of the old man, you know. Most chaps -would have wanted the advertisement. - -CUSINS. He said all the charitable institutions would be down on -him like kites on a battle field if he gave his name. - -LADY BRITOMART. That's Andrew all over. He never does a proper -thing without giving an improper reason for it. - -CUSINS. He convinced me that I have all my life been doing -improper things for proper reasons. - -LADY BRITOMART. Adolphus: now that Barbara has left the Salvation -Army, you had better leave it too. I will not have you playing -that drum in the streets. - -CUSINS. Your orders are already obeyed, Lady Brit. - -BARBARA. Dolly: were you ever really in earnest about it? Would -you have joined if you had never seen me? - -CUSINS [disingenuously] Well--er--well, possibly, as a collector -of religions-- - -LOMAX [cunningly] Not as a drummer, though, you know. You are a -very clearheaded brainy chap, Cholly; and it must have been -apparent to you that there is a certain amount of tosh about-- - -LADY BRITOMART. Charles: if you must drivel, drivel like a -grown-up man and not like a schoolboy. - -LOMAX [out of countenance] Well, drivel is drivel, don't you -know, whatever a man's age. - -LADY BRITOMART. In good society in England, Charles, men drivel -at all ages by repeating silly formulas with an air of wisdom. -Schoolboys make their own formulas out of slang, like you. When -they reach your age, and get political private secretaryships and -things of that sort, they drop slang and get their formulas out -of The Spectator or The Times. You had better confine yourself to -The Times. You will find that there is a certain amount of tosh -about The Times; but at least its language is reputable. - -LOMAX [overwhelmed] You are so awfully strong-minded, Lady Brit-- - -LADY BRITOMART. Rubbish! [Morrison comes in]. What is it? - -MORRISON. If you please, my lady, Mr Undershaft has just drove up -to the door. - -LADY BRITOMART. Well, let him in. [Morrison hesitates]. What's -the matter with you? - -MORRISON. Shall I announce him, my lady; or is he at home here, -so to speak, my lady? - -LADY BRITOMART. Announce him. - -MORRISON. Thank you, my lady. You won't mind my asking, I hope. -The occasion is in a manner of speaking new to me. - -LADY BRITOMART. Quite right. Go and let him in. - -MORRISON. Thank you, my lady. [He withdraws]. - -LADY BRITOMART. Children: go and get ready. [Sarah and Barbara go -upstairs for their out-of-door wrap]. Charles: go and tell -Stephen to come down here in five minutes: you will find him in -the drawing room. [Charles goes]. Adolphus: tell them to send -round the carriage in about fifteen minutes. [Adolphus goes]. - -MORRISON [at the door] Mr Undershaft. - -Undershaft comes in. Morrison goes out. - -UNDERSHAFT. Alone! How fortunate! - -LADY BRITOMART [rising] Don't be sentimental, Andrew. Sit down. -[She sits on the settee: he sits beside her, on her left. She -comes to the point before he has time to breathe]. Sarah must -have 800 pounds a year until Charles Lomax comes into his -property. Barbara will need more, and need it permanently, -because Adolphus hasn't any property. - -UNDERSHAFT [resignedly] Yes, my dear: I will see to it. Anything -else? for yourself, for instance? - -LADY BRITOMART. I want to talk to you about Stephen. - -UNDERSHAFT [rather wearily] Don't, my dear. Stephen doesn't -interest me. - -LADY BRITOMART. He does interest me. He is our son. - -UNDERSHAFT. Do you really think so? He has induced us to bring -him into the world; but he chose his parents very incongruously, -I think. I see nothing of myself in him, and less of you. - -LADY BRITOMART. Andrew: Stephen is an excellent son, and a most -steady, capable, highminded young man. YOU are simply trying to -find an excuse for disinheriting him. - -UNDERSHAFT. My dear Biddy: the Undershaft tradition disinherits -him. It would be dishonest of me to leave the cannon foundry to -my son. - -LADY BRITOMART. It would be most unnatural and improper of you to -leave it to anyone else, Andrew. Do you suppose this wicked and -immoral tradition can be kept up for ever? Do you pretend that -Stephen could not carry on the foundry just as well as all the -other sons of the big business houses? - -UNDERSHAFT. Yes: he could learn the office routine without -understanding the business, like all the other sons; and the firm -would go on by its own momentum until the real Undershaft--probably -an Italian or a German--would invent a new method and cut him out. - -LADY BRITOMART. There is nothing that any Italian or German could -do that Stephen could not do. And Stephen at least has breeding. - -UNDERSHAFT. The son of a foundling! nonsense! - -LADY BRITOMART. My son, Andrew! And even you may have good blood -in your veins for all you know. - -UNDERSHAFT. True. Probably I have. That is another argument in -favor of a foundling. - -LADY BRITOMART. Andrew: don't be aggravating. And don't be -wicked. At present you are both. - -UNDERSHAFT. This conversation is part of the Undershaft -tradition, Biddy. Every Undershaft's wife has treated him to it -ever since the house was founded. It is mere waste of breath. If -the tradition be ever broken it will be for an abler man than -Stephen. - -LADY BRITOMART [pouting] Then go away. - -UNDERSHAFT [deprecatory] Go away! - -LADY BRITOMART. Yes: go away. If you will do nothing for Stephen, -you are not wanted here. Go to your foundling, whoever he is; and -look after him. - -UNDERSHAFT. The fact is, Biddy-- - -LADY BRITOMART. Don't call me Biddy. I don't call you Andy. - -UNDERSHAFT. I will not call my wife Britomart: it is not good -sense. Seriously, my love, the Undershaft tradition has landed me -in a difficulty. I am getting on in years; and my partner Lazarus -has at last made a stand and insisted that the succession must be -settled one way or the other; and of course he is quite right. -You see, I haven't found a fit successor yet. - -LADY BRITOMART [obstinately] There is Stephen. - -UNDERSHAFT. That's just it: all the foundlings I can find are -exactly like Stephen. - -LADY BRITOMART. Andrew!! - -UNDERSHAFT. I want a man with no relations and no schooling: that -is, a man who would be out of the running altogether if he were -not a strong man. And I can't find him. Every blessed foundling -nowadays is snapped up in his infancy by Barnardo homes, or -School Board officers, or Boards of Guardians; and if he shows -the least ability, he is fastened on by schoolmasters; trained to -win scholarships like a racehorse; crammed with secondhand ideas; -drilled and disciplined in docility and what they call good -taste; and lamed for life so that he is fit for nothing but -teaching. If you want to keep the foundry in the family, you had -better find an eligible foundling and marry him to Barbara. - -LADY BRITOMART. Ah! Barbara! Your pet! You would sacrifice -Stephen to Barbara. - -UNDERSHAFT. Cheerfully. And you, my dear, would boil Barbara to -make soup for Stephen. - -LADY BRITOMART. Andrew: this is not a question of our likings and -dislikings: it is a question of duty. It is your duty to make -Stephen your successor. - -UNDERSHAFT. Just as much as it is your duty to submit to your -husband. Come, Biddy! these tricks of the governing class are of -no use with me. I am one of the governing class myself; and it is -waste of time giving tracts to a missionary. I have the power in -this matter; and I am not to be humbugged into using it for your -purposes. - -LADY BRITOMART. Andrew: you can talk my head off; but you can't -change wrong into right. And your tie is all on one side. Put it -straight. - -UNDERSHAFT [disconcerted] It won't stay unless it's pinned [he -fumbles at it with childish grimaces]-- - -Stephen comes in. - -STEPHEN [at the door] I beg your pardon [about to retire]. - -LADY BRITOMART. No: come in, Stephen. [Stephen comes forward to -his mother's writing table.] - -UNDERSHAFT [not very cordially] Good afternoon. - -STEPHEN [coldly] Good afternoon. - -UNDERSHAFT [to Lady Britomart] He knows all about the tradition, -I suppose? - -LADY BRITOMART. Yes. [To Stephen] It is what I told you last -night, Stephen. - -UNDERSHAFT [sulkily] I understand you want to come into the -cannon business. - -STEPHEN. _I_ go into trade! Certainly not. - -UNDERSHAFT [opening his eyes, greatly eased in mind and manner] -Oh! in that case--! - -LADY BRITOMART. Cannons are not trade, Stephen. They are -enterprise. - -STEPHEN. I have no intention of becoming a man of business in any -sense. I have no capacity for business and no taste for it. I -intend to devote myself to politics. - -UNDERSHAFT [rising] My dear boy: this is an immense relief to me. -And I trust it may prove an equally good thing for the country. I -was afraid you would consider yourself disparaged and slighted. -[He moves towards Stephen as if to shake hands with him]. - -LADY BRITOMART [rising and interposing] Stephen: I cannot allow -you to throw away an enormous property like this. - -STEPHEN [stiffly] Mother: there must be an end of treating me as -a child, if you please. [Lady Britomart recoils, deeply wounded -by his tone]. Until last night I did not take your attitude -seriously, because I did not think you meant it seriously. But I -find now that you left me in the dark as to matters which you -should have explained to me years ago. I am extremely hurt and -offended. Any further discussion of my intentions had better take -place with my father, as between one man and another. - -LADY BRITOMART. Stephen! [She sits down again; and her eyes fill -with tears]. - -UNDERSHAFT [with grave compassion] You see, my dear, it is only -the big men who can be treated as children. - -STEPHEN. I am sorry, mother, that you have forced me-- - -UNDERSHAFT [stopping him] Yes, yes, yes, yes: that's all right, -Stephen. She won't interfere with you any more: your independence -is achieved: you have won your latchkey. Don't rub it in; and -above all, don't apologize. [He resumes his seat]. Now what about -your future, as between one man and another--I beg your pardon, -Biddy: as between two men and a woman. - -LADY BRITOMART [who has pulled herself together strongly] I quite -understand, Stephen. By all means go your own way if you feel -strong enough. [Stephen sits down magisterially in the chair at -the writing table with an air of affirming his majority]. - -UNDERSHAFT. It is settled that you do not ask for the succession -to the cannon business. - -STEPHEN. I hope it is settled that I repudiate the cannon -business. - -UNDERSHAFT. Come, come! Don't be so devilishly sulky: it's -boyish. Freedom should be generous. Besides, I owe you a fair -start in life in exchange for disinheriting you. You can't become -prime minister all at once. Haven't you a turn for something? -What about literature, art and so forth? - -STEPHEN. I have nothing of the artist about me, either in faculty -or character, thank Heaven! - -UNDERSHAFT. A philosopher, perhaps? Eh? - -STEPHEN. I make no such ridiculous pretension. - -UNDERSHAFT. Just so. Well, there is the army, the navy, the Church, -the Bar. The Bar requires some ability. What about the Bar? - -STEPHEN. I have not studied law. And I am afraid I have not the -necessary push--I believe that is the name barristers give to -their vulgarity--for success in pleading. - -UNDERSHAFT. Rather a difficult case, Stephen. Hardly anything -left but the stage, is there? [Stephen makes an impatient -movement]. Well, come! is there anything you know or care for? - -STEPHEN [rising and looking at him steadily] I know the -difference between right and wrong. - -UNDERSHAFT [hugely tickled] You don't say so! What! no capacity -for business, no knowledge of law, no sympathy with art, no -pretension to philosophy; only a simple knowledge of the secret -that has puzzled all the philosophers, baffled all the lawyers, -muddled all the men of business, and ruined most of the artists: -the secret of right and wrong. Why, man, you're a genius, master -of masters, a god! At twenty-four, too! - -STEPHEN [keeping his temper with difficulty] You are pleased to -be facetious. I pretend to nothing more than any honorable -English gentleman claims as his birthright [he sits down -angrily]. - -UNDERSHAFT. Oh, that's everybody's birthright. Look at poor -little Jenny Hill, the Salvation lassie! she would think you were -laughing at her if you asked her to stand up in the street and -teach grammar or geography or mathematics or even drawingroom -dancing; but it never occurs to her to doubt that she can teach -morals and religion. You are all alike, you respectable people. -You can't tell me the bursting strain of a ten-inch gun, which is -a very simple matter; but you all think you can tell me the -bursting strain of a man under temptation. You daren't handle -high explosives; but you're all ready to handle honesty and -truth and justice and the whole duty of man, and kill one another -at that game. What a country! what a world! - -LADY BRITOMART [uneasily] What do you think he had better do, -Andrew? - -UNDERSHAFT. Oh, just what he wants to do. He knows nothing; and -he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political -career. Get him a private secretaryship to someone who can get -him an Under Secretaryship; and then leave him alone. He will -find his natural and proper place in the end on the Treasury -bench. - -STEPHEN [springing up again] I am sorry, sir, that you force -me to forget the respect due to you as my father. I am an -Englishman; and I will not hear the Government of my country -insulted. [He thrusts his hands in his pockets, and walks angrily -across to the window]. - -UNDERSHAFT [with a touch of brutality] The government of your -country! _I_ am the government of your country: I, and Lazarus. -Do you suppose that you and half a dozen amateurs like you, -sitting in a row in that foolish gabble shop, can govern -Undershaft and Lazarus? No, my friend: you will do what pays US. -You will make war when it suits us, and keep peace when it -doesn't. You will find out that trade requires certain measures -when we have decided on those measures. When I want anything to -keep my dividends up, you will discover that my want is a -national need. When other people want something to keep my -dividends down, you will call out the police and military. And in -return you shall have the support and applause of my newspapers, -and the delight of imagining that you are a great statesman. -Government of your country! Be off with you, my boy, and play -with your caucuses and leading articles and historic parties and -great leaders and burning questions and the rest of your toys. -_I_ am going back to my counting house to pay the piper and call -the tune. - -STEPHEN [actually smiling, and putting his hand on his father's -shoulder with indulgent patronage] Really, my dear father, it is -impossible to be angry with you. You don't know how absurd all -this sounds to ME. You are very properly proud of having been -industrious enough to make money; and it is greatly to your -credit that you have made so much of it. But it has kept you in -circles where you are valued for your money and deferred to for -it, instead of in the doubtless very oldfashioned and -behind-the-times public school and university where I formed my -habits of mind. It is natural for you to think that money governs -England; but you must allow me to think I know better. - -UNDERSHAFT. And what does govern England, pray? - -STEPHEN. Character, father, character. - -UNDERSHAFT. Whose character? Yours or mine? - -STEPHEN. Neither yours nor mine, father, but the best elements in -the English national character. - -UNDERSHAFT. Stephen: I've found your profession for you. You're a -born journalist. I'll start you with a hightoned weekly review. -There! - -Stephen goes to the smaller writing table and busies himself with -his letters. - -Sarah, Barbara, Lomax, and Cusins come in ready for walking. -Barbara crosses the room to the window and looks out. Cusins -drifts amiably to the armchair, and Lomax remains near the door, -whilst Sarah comes to her mother. - -SARAH. Go and get ready, mamma: the carriage is waiting. [Lady -Britomart leaves the room.] - -UNDERSHAFT [to Sarah] Good day, my dear. Good afternoon, Mr. -Lomax. - -LOMAX [vaguely] Ahdedoo. - -UNDERSHAFT [to Cusins] quite well after last night, Euripides, -eh? - -CUSINS. As well as can be expected. - -UNDERSHAFT. That's right. [To Barbara] So you are coming to see -my death and devastation factory, Barbara? - -BARBARA [at the window] You came yesterday to see my salvation -factory. I promised you a return visit. - -LOMAX [coming forward between Sarah and Undershaft] You'll find -it awfully interesting. I've been through the Woolwich Arsenal; -and it gives you a ripping feeling of security, you know, to -think of the lot of beggars we could kill if it came to fighting. -[To Undershaft, with sudden solemnity] Still, it must be rather -an awful reflection for you, from the religious point of view as -it were. You're getting on, you know, and all that. - -SARAH. You don't mind Cholly's imbecility, papa, do you? - -LOMAX [much taken aback] Oh I say! - -UNDERSHAFT. Mr Lomax looks at the matter in a very proper spirit, -my dear. - -LOMAX. Just so. That's all I meant, I assure you. - -SARAH. Are you coming, Stephen? - -STEPHEN. Well, I am rather busy--er-- [Magnanimously] Oh well, -yes: I'll come. That is, if there is room for me. - -UNDERSHAFT. I can take two with me in a little motor I am -experimenting with for field use. You won't mind its being rather -unfashionable. It's not painted yet; but it's bullet proof. - -LOMAX [appalled at the prospect of confronting Wilton Crescent in -an unpainted motor] Oh I say! - -SARAH. The carriage for me, thank you. Barbara doesn't mind what -she's seen in. - -LOMAX. I say, Dolly old chap: do you really mind the car being a -guy? Because of course if you do I'll go in it. Still-- - -CUSINS. I prefer it. - -LOMAX. Thanks awfully, old man. Come, Sarah. [He hurries out to -secure his seat in the carriage. Sarah follows him]. - -CUSINS. [moodily walking across to Lady Britomart's writing table] -Why are we two coming to this Works Department of Hell? that is -what I ask myself. - -BARBARA. I have always thought of it as a sort of pit where lost -creatures with blackened faces stirred up smoky fires and were -driven and tormented by my father? Is it like that, dad? - -UNDERSHAFT [scandalized] My dear! It is a spotlessly clean and -beautiful hillside town. - -CUSINS. With a Methodist chapel? Oh do say there's a Methodist -chapel. - -UNDERSHAFT. There are two: a primitive one and a sophisticated -one. There is even an Ethical Society; but it is not much -patronized, as my men are all strongly religious. In the High -Explosives Sheds they object to the presence of Agnostics as -unsafe. - -CUSINS. And yet they don't object to you! - -BARBARA. Do they obey all your orders? - -UNDERSHAFT. I never give them any orders. When I speak to one of -them it is "Well, Jones, is the baby doing well? and has Mrs -Jones made a good recovery?" "Nicely, thank you, sir." And that's -all. - -CUSINS. But Jones has to be kept in order. How do you maintain -discipline among your men? - -UNDERSHAFT. I don't. They do. You see, the one thing Jones won't -stand is any rebellion from the man under him, or any assertion -of social equality between the wife of the man with 4 shillings a -week less than himself and Mrs Jones! Of course they all rebel -against me, theoretically. Practically, every man of them keeps -the man just below him in his place. I never meddle with them. I -never bully them. I don't even bully Lazarus. I say that certain -things are to be done; but I don't order anybody to do them. I -don't say, mind you, that there is no ordering about and snubbing -and even bullying. The men snub the boys and order them about; -the carmen snub the sweepers; the artisans snub the unskilled -laborers; the foremen drive and bully both the laborers and -artisans; the assistant engineers find fault with the foremen; -the chief engineers drop on the assistants; the departmental -managers worry the chiefs; and the clerks have tall hats and -hymnbooks and keep up the social tone by refusing to associate on -equal terms with anybody. The result is a colossal profit, which -comes to me. - -CUSINS [revolted] You really are a--well, what I was saying -yesterday. - -BARBARA. What was he saying yesterday? - -UNDERSHAFT. Never mind, my dear. He thinks I have made you -unhappy. Have I? - -BARBARA. Do you think I can be happy in this vulgar silly dress? -I! who have worn the uniform. Do you understand what you have -done to me? Yesterday I had a man's soul in my hand. I set him in -the way of life with his face to salvation. But when we took your -money he turned back to drunkenness and derision. [With intense -conviction] I will never forgive you that. If I had a child, and -you destroyed its body with your explosives--if you murdered -Dolly with your horrible guns--I could forgive you if my -forgiveness would open the gates of heaven to you. But to take a -human soul from me, and turn it into the soul of a wolf! that is -worse than any murder. - -UNDERSHAFT. Does my daughter despair so easily? Can you strike a -man to the heart and leave no mark on him? - -BARBARA [her face lighting up] Oh, you are right: he can never be -lost now: where was my faith? - -CUSINS. Oh, clever clever devil! - -BARBARA. You may be a devil; but God speaks through you -sometimes. [She takes her father's hands and kisses them]. You -have given me back my happiness: I feel it deep down now, though -my spirit is troubled. - -UNDERSHAFT. You have learnt something. That always feels at first -as if you had lost something. - -BARBARA. Well, take me to the factory of death, and let me learn -something more. There must be some truth or other behind all this -frightful irony. Come, Dolly. [She goes out]. - -CUSINS. My guardian angel! [To Undershaft] Avaunt! [He follows -Barbara]. - -STEPHEN [quietly, at the writing table] You must not mind Cusins, -father. He is a very amiable good fellow; but he is a Greek -scholar and naturally a little eccentric. - -UNDERSHAFT. Ah, quite so. Thank you, Stephen. Thank you. [He goes -out]. - -Stephen smiles patronizingly; buttons his coat responsibly; and -crosses the room to the door. Lady Britomart, dressed for -out-of-doors, opens it before he reaches it. She looks round far -the others; looks at Stephen; and turns to go without a word. - -STEPHEN [embarrassed] Mother-- - -LADY BRITOMART. Don't be apologetic, Stephen. And don't forget -that you have outgrown your mother. [She goes out]. - -Perivale St Andrews lies between two Middlesex hills, half -climbing the northern one. It is an almost smokeless town of -white walls, roofs of narrow green slates or red tiles, tall -trees, domes, campaniles, and slender chimney shafts, beautifully -situated and beautiful in itself. The best view of it is obtained -from the crest of a slope about half a mile to the east, where -the high explosives are dealt with. The foundry lies hidden in -the depths between, the tops of its chimneys sprouting like huge -skittles into the middle distance. Across the crest runs a -platform of concrete, with a parapet which suggests a -fortification, because there is a huge cannon of the obsolete -Woolwich Infant pattern peering across it at the town. The cannon -is mounted on an experimental gun carriage: possibly the original -model of the Undershaft disappearing rampart gun alluded to by -Stephen. The parapet has a high step inside which serves as a -seat. - -Barbara is leaning over the parapet, looking towards the town. On -her right is the cannon; on her left the end of a shed raised on -piles, with a ladder of three or four steps up to the door, which -opens outwards and has a little wooden landing at the threshold, -with a fire bucket in the corner of the landing. The parapet -stops short of the shed, leaving a gap which is the beginning of -the path down the hill through the foundry to the town. Behind -the cannon is a trolley carrying a huge conical bombshell, with a -red band painted on it. Further from the parapet, on the same -side, is a deck chair, near the door of an office, which, like -the sheds, is of the lightest possible construction. - -Cusins arrives by the path from the town. - -BARBARA. Well? - -CUSINS. Not a ray of hope. Everything perfect, wonderful, real. -It only needs a cathedral to be a heavenly city instead of a -hellish one. - -BARBARA. Have you found out whether they have done anything for -old Peter Shirley. - -CUSINS. They have found him a job as gatekeeper and timekeeper. -He's frightfully miserable. He calls the timekeeping brainwork, -and says he isn't used to it; and his gate lodge is so splendid -that he's ashamed to use the rooms, and skulks in the scullery. - -BARBARA. Poor Peter! - -Stephen arrives from the town. He carries a fieldglass. - -STEPHEN [enthusiastically] Have you two seen the place? Why did -you leave us? - -CUSINS. I wanted to see everything I was not intended to see; and -Barbara wanted to make the men talk. - -STEPHEN. Have you found anything discreditable? - -CUSINS. No. They call him Dandy Andy and are proud of his being a -cunning old rascal; but it's all horribly, frightfully, -immorally, unanswerably perfect. - -Sarah arrives. - -SARAH. Heavens! what a place! [She crosses to the trolley]. Did -you see the nursing home!? [She sits down on the shell]. - -STEPHEN. Did you see the libraries and schools!? - -SARAH. Did you see the ballroom and the banqueting chamber in the -Town Hall!? - -STEPHEN. Have you gone into the insurance fund, the pension fund, -the building society, the various applications of co-operation!? - -Undershaft comes from the office, with a sheaf of telegrams in -his hands. - -UNDERSHAFT. Well, have you seen everything? I'm sorry I was -called away. [Indicating the telegrams] News from Manchuria. - -STEPHEN. Good news, I hope. - -UNDERSHAFT. Very. - -STEPHEN. Another Japanese victory? - -UNDERSHAFT. Oh, I don't know. Which side wins does not concern us -here. No: the good news is that the aerial battleship is a -tremendous success. At the first trial it has wiped out a fort -with three hundred soldiers in it. - -CUSINS [from the platform] Dummy soldiers? - -UNDERSHAFT. No: the real thing. [Cusins and Barbara exchange -glances. Then Cusins sits on the step and buries his face in his -hands. Barbara gravely lays her hand on his shoulder, and he -looks up at her in a sort of whimsical desperation]. Well, -Stephen, what do you think of the place? - -STEPHEN. Oh, magnificent. A perfect triumph of organization. -Frankly, my dear father, I have been a fool: I had no idea of -what it all meant--of the wonderful forethought, the power of -organization, the administrative capacity, the financial genius, -the colossal capital it represents. I have been repeating to -myself as I came through your streets "Peace hath her victories -no less renowned than War." I have only one misgiving about it -all. - -UNDERSHAFT. Out with it. - -STEPHEN. Well, I cannot help thinking that all this provision for -every want of your workmen may sap their independence and weaken -their sense of responsibility. And greatly as we enjoyed our tea -at that splendid restaurant--how they gave us all that luxury and -cake and jam and cream for threepence I really cannot imagine!--still -you must remember that restaurants break up home life. Look at the -continent, for instance! Are you sure so much pampering is really -good for the men's characters? - -UNDERSHAFT. Well you see, my dear boy, when you are organizing -civilization you have to make up your mind whether trouble and -anxiety are good things or not. If you decide that they are, -then, I take it, you simply don't organize civilization; and -there you are, with trouble and anxiety enough to make us all -angels! But if you decide the other way, you may as well go -through with it. However, Stephen, our characters are safe here. -A sufficient dose of anxiety is always provided by the fact that -we may be blown to smithereens at any moment. - -SARAH. By the way, papa, where do you make the explosives? - -UNDERSHAFT. In separate little sheds, like that one. When one of -them blows up, it costs very little; and only the people quite -close to it are killed. - -Stephen, who is quite close to it, looks at it rather scaredly, -and moves away quickly to the cannon. At the same moment the door -of the shed is thrown abruptly open; and a foreman in overalls -and list slippers comes out on the little landing and holds the -door open for Lomax, who appears in the doorway. - -LOMAX [with studied coolness] My good fellow: you needn't get -into a state of nerves. Nothing's going to happen to you; and I -suppose it wouldn't be the end of the world if anything did. A -little bit of British pluck is what you want, old chap. [He -descends and strolls across to Sarah]. - -UNDERSHAFT [to the foreman] Anything wrong, Bilton? - -BILTON [with ironic calm] Gentleman walked into the high -explosives shed and lit a cigaret, sir: that's all. - -UNDERSHAFT. Ah, quite so. [To Lomax] Do you happen to remember -what you did with the match? - -LOMAX. Oh come! I'm not a fool. I took jolly good care to blow it -out before I chucked it away. - -BILTON. The top of it was red hot inside, sir. - -LOMAX. Well, suppose it was! I didn't chuck it into any of your -messes. - -UNDERSHAFT. Think no more of it, Mr Lomax. By the way, would you -mind lending me your matches? - -LOMAX [offering his box] Certainly. - -UNDERSHAFT. Thanks. [He pockets the matches]. - -LOMAX [lecturing to the company generally] You know, these high -explosives don't go off like gunpowder, except when they're in a -gun. When they're spread loose, you can put a match to them -without the least risk: they just burn quietly like a bit of -paper. [Warming to the scientific interest of the subject] Did -you know that Undershaft? Have you ever tried? - -UNDERSHAFT. Not on a large scale, Mr Lomax. Bilton will give you -a sample of gun cotton when you are leaving if you ask him. You -can experiment with it at home. [Bilton looks puzzled]. - -SARAH. Bilton will do nothing of the sort, papa. I suppose it's -your business to blow up the Russians and Japs; but you might -really stop short of blowing up poor Cholly. [Bilton gives it up -and retires into the shed]. - -LOMAX. My ownest, there is no danger. [He sits beside her on the -shell]. - -Lady Britomart arrives from the town with a bouquet. - -LADY BRITOMART [coming impetuously between Undershaft and the -deck chair] Andrew: you shouldn't have let me see this place. - -UNDERSHAFT. Why, my dear? - -LADY BRITOMART. Never mind why: you shouldn't have: that's all. -To think of all that [indicating the town] being yours! and that -you have kept it to yourself all these years! - -UNDERSHAFT. It does not belong to me. I belong to it. It is the -Undershaft inheritance. - -LADY BRITOMART. It is not. Your ridiculous cannons and that noisy -banging foundry may be the Undershaft inheritance; but all that -plate and linen, all that furniture and those houses and orchards -and gardens belong to us. They belong to me: they are not a man's -business. I won't give them up. You must be out of your senses to -throw them all away; and if you persist in such folly, I will -call in a doctor. - -UNDERSHAFT [stooping to smell the bouquet] Where did you get the -flowers, my dear? - -LADY BRITOMART. Your men presented them to me in your William -Morris Labor Church. - -CUSINS [springing up] Oh! It needed only that. A Labor Church! - -LADY BRITOMART. Yes, with Morris's words in mosaic letters ten -feet high round the dome. NO MAN IS GOOD ENOUGH TO BE ANOTHER -MAN'S MASTER. The cynicism of it! - -UNDERSHAFT. It shocked the men at first, I am afraid. But now -they take no more notice of it than of the ten commandments in -church. - -LADY BRITOMART. Andrew: you are trying to put me off the subject -of the inheritance by profane jokes. Well, you shan't. I don't -ask it any longer for Stephen: he has inherited far too much of -your perversity to be fit for it. But Barbara has rights as well -as Stephen. Why should not Adolphus succeed to the inheritance? I -could manage the town for him; and he can look after the cannons, -if they are really necessary. - -UNDERSHAFT. I should ask nothing better if Adolphus were a -foundling. He is exactly the sort of new blood that is wanted in -English business. But he's not a foundling; and there's an end of -it. - -CUSINS [diplomatically] Not quite. [They all turn and stare at -him. He comes from the platform past the shed to Undershaft]. I -think--Mind! I am not committing myself in any way as to my -future course--but I think the foundling difficulty can be got -over. - -UNDERSHAFT. What do you mean? - -CUSINS. Well, I have something to say which is in the nature of a -confession. - -SARAH. { -LADY BRITOMART. { Confession! -BARBARA. { -STEPHEN. { - -LOMAX. Oh I say! - -CUSINS. Yes, a confession. Listen, all. Until I met Barbara I -thought myself in the main an honorable, truthful man, because I -wanted the approval of my conscience more than I wanted anything -else. But the moment I saw Barbara, I wanted her far more than -the approval of my conscience. - -LADY BRITOMART. Adolphus! - -CUSINS. It is true. You accused me yourself, Lady Brit, of -joining the Army to worship Barbara; and so I did. She bought my -soul like a flower at a street corner; but she bought it for -herself. - -UNDERSHAFT. What! Not for Dionysos or another? - -CUSINS. Dionysos and all the others are in herself. I adored what -was divine in her, and was therefore a true worshipper. But I was -romantic about her too. I thought she was a woman of the people, -and that a marriage with a professor of Greek would be far beyond -the wildest social ambitions of her rank. - -LADY BRITOMART. Adolphus!! - -LOMAX. Oh I say!!! - -CUSINS. When I learnt the horrible truth-- - -LADY BRITOMART. What do you mean by the horrible truth, pray? - -CUSINS. That she was enormously rich; that her grandfather was an -earl; that her father was the Prince of Darkness-- - -UNDERSHAFT. Chut! - -CUSINS.--and that I was only an adventurer trying to catch a rich -wife, then I stooped to deceive about my birth. - -LADY BRITOMART. Your birth! Now Adolphus, don't dare to make up a -wicked story for the sake of these wretched cannons. Remember: I -have seen photographs of your parents; and the Agent General for -South Western Australia knows them personally and has assured me -that they are most respectable married people. - -CUSINS. So they are in Australia; but here they are outcasts. -Their marriage is legal in Australia, but not in England. My -mother is my father's deceased wife's sister; and in this island -I am consequently a foundling. [Sensation]. Is the subterfuge -good enough, Machiavelli? - -UNDERSHAFT [thoughtfully] Biddy: this may be a way out of the -difficulty. - -LADY BRITOMART. Stuff! A man can't make cannons any the better -for being his own cousin instead of his proper self [she sits -down in the deck chair with a bounce that expresses her downright -contempt for their casuistry.] - -UNDERSHAFT [to Cusins] You are an educated man. That is against -the tradition. - -CUSINS. Once in ten thousand times it happens that the schoolboy -is a born master of what they try to teach him. Greek has not -destroyed my mind: it has nourished it. Besides, I did not learn -it at an English public school. - -UNDERSHAFT. Hm! Well, I cannot afford to be too particular: you -have cornered the foundling market. Let it pass. You are -eligible, Euripides: you are eligible. - -BARBARA [coming from the platform and interposing between Cusins -and Undershaft] Dolly: yesterday morning, when Stephen told us -all about the tradition, you became very silent; and you have -been strange and excited ever since. Were you thinking of your -birth then? - -CUSINS. When the finger of Destiny suddenly points at a man in -the middle of his breakfast, it makes him thoughtful. [Barbara -turns away sadly and stands near her mother, listening perturbedly]. - -UNDERSHAFT. Aha! You have had your eye on the business, my young -friend, have you? - -CUSINS. Take care! There is an abyss of moral horror between me -and your accursed aerial battleships. - -UNDERSHAFT. Never mind the abyss for the present. Let us settle -the practical details and leave your final decision open. You -know that you will have to change your name. Do you object to -that? - -CUSINS. Would any man named Adolphus--any man called Dolly!--object -to be called something else? - -UNDERSHAFT. Good. Now, as to money! I propose to treat you -handsomely from the beginning. You shall start at a thousand a -year. - -CUSINS. [with sudden heat, his spectacles twinkling with -mischief] A thousand! You dare offer a miserable thousand to -the son-in-law of a millionaire! No, by Heavens, Machiavelli! you -shall not cheat me. You cannot do without me; and I can do -without you. I must have two thousand five hundred a year for two -years. At the end of that time, if I am a failure, I go. But if I -am a success, and stay on, you must give me the other five -thousand. - -UNDERSHAFT. What other five thousand? - -CUSINS. To make the two years up to five thousand a year. The two -thousand five hundred is only half pay in case I should turn out -a failure. The third year I must have ten per cent on the -profits. - -UNDERSHAFT [taken aback] Ten per cent! Why, man, do you know what -my profits are? - -CUSINS. Enormous, I hope: otherwise I shall require twenty-five -per cent. - -UNDERSHAFT. But, Mr Cusins, this is a serious matter of business. -You are not bringing any capital into the concern. - -CUSINS. What! no capital! Is my mastery of Greek no capital? Is -my access to the subtlest thought, the loftiest poetry yet -attained by humanity, no capital? my character! my intellect! my -life! my career! what Barbara calls my soul! are these no -capital? Say another word; and I double my salary. - -UNDERSHAFT. Be reasonable-- - -CUSINS [peremptorily] Mr Undershaft: you have my terms. Take them -or leave them. - -UNDERSHAFT [recovering himself] Very well. I note your terms; and -I offer you half. - -CUSINS [disgusted] Half! - -UNDERSHAFT [firmly] Half. - -CUSINS. You call yourself a gentleman; and you offer me half!! - -UNDERSHAFT. I do not call myself a gentleman; but I offer you -half. - -CUSINS. This to your future partner! your successor! your -son-in-law! - -BARBARA. You are selling your own soul, Dolly, not mine. Leave me -out of the bargain, please. - -UNDERSHAFT. Come! I will go a step further for Barbara's sake. I -will give you three fifths; but that is my last word. - -CUSINS. Done! - -LOMAX. Done in the eye. Why, _I_ only get eight hundred, you -know. - -CUSINS. By the way, Mac, I am a classical scholar, not an -arithmetical one. Is three fifths more than half or less? - -UNDERSHAFT. More, of course. - -CUSINS. I would have taken two hundred and fifty. How you can -succeed in business when you are willing to pay all that money to -a University don who is obviously not worth a junior clerk's -wages!--well! What will Lazarus say? - -UNDERSHAFT. Lazarus is a gentle romantic Jew who cares for -nothing but string quartets and stalls at fashionable theatres. -He will get the credit of your rapacity in money matters, as he -has hitherto had the credit of mine. You are a shark of the first -order, Euripides. So much the better for the firm! - -BARBARA. Is the bargain closed, Dolly? Does your soul belong to -him now? - -CUSINS. No: the price is settled: that is all. The real tug of -war is still to come. What about the moral question? - -LADY BRITOMART. There is no moral question in the matter at all, -Adolphus. You must simply sell cannons and weapons to people -whose cause is right and just, and refuse them to foreigners and -criminals. - -UNDERSHAFT [determinedly] No: none of that. You must keep the -true faith of an Armorer, or you don't come in here. - -CUSINS. What on earth is the true faith of an Armorer? - -UNDERSHAFT. To give arms to all men who offer an honest price for -them, without respect of persons or principles: to aristocrat and -republican, to Nihilist and Tsar, to Capitalist and Socialist, to -Protestant and Catholic, to burglar and policeman, to black man -white man and yellow man, to all sorts and conditions, all -nationalities, all faiths, all follies, all causes and all -crimes. The first Undershaft wrote up in his shop IF GOD GAVE THE -HAND, LET NOT MAN WITHHOLD THE SWORD. The second wrote up ALL -HAVE THE RIGHT TO FIGHT: NONE HAVE THE RIGHT TO JUDGE. The third -wrote up TO MAN THE WEAPON: TO HEAVEN THE VICTORY. The fourth had -no literary turn; so he did not write up anything; but he sold -cannons to Napoleon under the nose of George the Third. The fifth -wrote up PEACE SHALL NOT PREVAIL SAVE WITH A SWORD IN HER HAND. -The sixth, my master, was the best of all. He wrote up NOTHING IS -EVER DONE IN THIS WORLD UNTIL MEN ARE PREPARED TO KILL ONE -ANOTHER IF IT IS NOT DONE. After that, there was nothing left for -the seventh to say. So he wrote up, simply, UNASHAMED. - -CUSINS. My good Machiavelli, I shall certainly write something up -on the wall; only, as I shall write it in Greek, you won't be -able to read it. But as to your Armorer's faith, if I take my -neck out of the noose of my own morality I am not going to put it -into the noose of yours. I shall sell cannons to whom I please -and refuse them to whom I please. So there! - -UNDERSHAFT. From the moment when you become Andrew Undershaft, -you will never do as you please again. Don't come here lusting -for power, young man. - -CUSINS. If power were my aim I should not come here for it. -YOU have no power. - -UNDERSHAFT. None of my own, certainly. - -CUSINS. I have more power than you, more will. You do not drive -this place: it drives you. And what drives the place? - -UNDERSHAFT [enigmatically] A will of which I am a part. - -BARBARA [startled] Father! Do you know what you are saying; or -are you laying a snare for my soul? - -CUSINS. Don't listen to his metaphysics, Barbara. The place is -driven by the most rascally part of society, the money hunters, -the pleasure hunters, the military promotion hunters; and he is -their slave. - -UNDERSHAFT. Not necessarily. Remember the Armorer's Faith. I will -take an order from a good man as cheerfully as from a bad one. If -you good people prefer preaching and shirking to buying my -weapons and fighting the rascals, don't blame me. I can make -cannons: I cannot make courage and conviction. Bah! You tire me, -Euripides, with your morality mongering. Ask Barbara: SHE -understands. [He suddenly takes Barbara's hands, and looks -powerfully into her eyes]. Tell him, my love, what power really -means. - -BARBARA [hypnotized] Before I joined the Salvation Army, I was in -my own power; and the consequence was that I never knew what to -do with myself. When I joined it, I had not time enough for all -the things I had to do. - -UNDERSHAFT [approvingly] Just so. And why was that, do you -suppose? - -BARBARA. Yesterday I should have said, because I was in the power -of God. [She resumes her self-possession, withdrawing her hands -from his with a power equal to his own]. But you came and showed -me that I was in the power of Bodger and Undershaft. Today I -feel--oh! how can I put it into words? Sarah: do you remember the -earthquake at Cannes, when we were little children?--how little -the surprise of the first shock mattered compared to the dread -and horror of waiting for the second? That is how I feel in this -place today. I stood on the rock I thought eternal; and without -a word of warning it reeled and crumbled under me. I was safe -with an infinite wisdom watching me, an army marching to -Salvation with me; and in a moment, at a stroke of your pen in a -cheque book, I stood alone; and the heavens were empty. That was -the first shock of the earthquake: I am waiting for the second. - -UNDERSHAFT. Come, come, my daughter! Don't make too much of your -little tinpot tragedy. What do we do here when we spend years of -work and thought and thousands of pounds of solid cash on a new -gun or an aerial battleship that turns out just a hairsbreadth -wrong after all? Scrap it. Scrap it without wasting another hour -or another pound on it. Well, you have made for yourself -something that you call a morality or a religion or what not. It -doesn't fit the facts. Well, scrap it. Scrap it and get one that -does fit. That is what is wrong with the world at present. It -scraps its obsolete steam engines and dynamos; but it won't scrap -its old prejudices and its old moralities and its old religions -and its old political constitutions. What's the result? In -machinery it does very well; but in morals and religion and -politics it is working at a loss that brings it nearer bankruptcy -every year. Don't persist in that folly. If your old religion -broke down yesterday, get a newer and a better one for tomorrow. - -BARBARA. Oh how gladly I would take a better one to my soul! But -you offer me a worse one. [Turning on him with sudden vehemence]. -Justify yourself: show me some light through the darkness of this -dreadful place, with its beautifully clean workshops, and -respectable workmen, and model homes. - -UNDERSHAFT. Cleanliness and respectability do not need -justification, Barbara: they justify themselves. I see no -darkness here, no dreadfulness. In your Salvation shelter I saw -poverty, misery, cold and hunger. You gave them bread and treacle -and dreams of heaven. I give from thirty shillings a week to -twelve thousand a year. They find their own dreams; but I look -after the drainage. - -BARBARA. And their souls? - -UNDERSHAFT. I save their souls just as I saved yours. - -BARBARA [revolted] You saved my soul! What do you mean? - -UNDERSHAFT. I fed you and clothed you and housed you. I took care -that you should have money enough to live handsomely--more than -enough; so that you could be wasteful, careless, generous. That -saved your soul from the seven deadly sins. - -BARBARA [bewildered] The seven deadly sins! - -UNDERSHAFT. Yes, the deadly seven. [Counting on his fingers] -Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability and children. -Nothing can lift those seven millstones from Man's neck but -money; and the spirit cannot soar until the millstones are -lifted. I lifted them from your spirit. I enabled Barbara to -become Major Barbara; and I saved her from the crime of poverty. - -CUSINS. Do you call poverty a crime? - -UNDERSHAFT. The worst of crimes. All the other crimes are virtues -beside it: all the other dishonors are chivalry itself by -comparison. Poverty blights whole cities; spreads horrible -pestilences; strikes dead the very souls of all who come within -sight, sound or smell of it. What you call crime is nothing: a -murder here and a theft there, a blow now and a curse then: what -do they matter? they are only the accidents and illnesses of -life: there are not fifty genuine professional criminals in -London. But there are millions of poor people, abject people, -dirty people, ill fed, ill clothed people. They poison us morally -and physically: they kill the happiness of society: they force us -to do away with our own liberties and to organize unnatural -cruelties for fear they should rise against us and drag us down -into their abyss. Only fools fear crime: we all fear poverty. -Pah! [turning on Barbara] you talk of your half-saved ruffian in -West Ham: you accuse me of dragging his soul back to perdition. -Well, bring him to me here; and I will drag his soul back again -to salvation for you. Not by words and dreams; but by thirty-eight -shillings a week, a sound house in a handsome street, and a permanent -job. In three weeks he will have a fancy waistcoat; in three months -a tall hat and a chapel sitting; before the end of the year he -will shake hands with a duchess at a Primrose League meeting, and -join the Conservative Party. - -BARBARA. And will he be the better for that? - -UNDERSHAFT. You know he will. Don't be a hypocrite, Barbara. He -will be better fed, better housed, better clothed, better -behaved; and his children will be pounds heavier and bigger. That -will be better than an American cloth mattress in a shelter, -chopping firewood, eating bread and treacle, and being forced to -kneel down from time to time to thank heaven for it: knee drill, -I think you call it. It is cheap work converting starving men -with a Bible in one hand and a slice of bread in the other. I -will undertake to convert West Ham to Mahometanism on the same -terms. Try your hand on my men: their souls are hungry because -their bodies are full. - -BARBARA. And leave the east end to starve? - -UNDERSHAFT [his energetic tone dropping into one of bitter and -brooding remembrance] I was an east ender. I moralized and -starved until one day I swore that I would be a fullfed free man -at all costs--that nothing should stop me except a bullet, -neither reason nor morals nor the lives of other men. I said -"Thou shalt starve ere I starve"; and with that word I became -free and great. I was a dangerous man until I had my will: now I -am a useful, beneficent, kindly person. That is the history of -most self-made millionaires, I fancy. When it is the history of -every Englishman we shall have an England worth living in. - -LADY BRITOMART. Stop making speeches, Andrew. This is not the -place for them. - -UNDERSHAFT [punctured] My dear: I have no other means of -conveying my ideas. - -LADY BRITOMART. Your ideas are nonsense. You got oil because you -were selfish and unscrupulous. - -UNDERSHAFT. Not at all. I had the strongest scruples about -poverty and starvation. Your moralists are quite unscrupulous -about both: they make virtues of them. I had rather be a thief -than a pauper. I had rather be a murderer than a slave. I don't -want to be either; but if you force the alternative on me, then, -by Heaven, I'll choose the braver and more moral one. I hate -poverty and slavery worse than any other crimes whatsoever. And -let me tell you this. Poverty and slavery have stood up for -centuries to your sermons and leading articles: they will not -stand up to my machine guns. Don't preach at them: don't reason -with them. Kill them. - -BARBARA. Killing. Is that your remedy for everything? - -UNDERSHAFT. It is the final test of conviction, the only lever -strong enough to overturn a social system, the only way of saying -Must. Let six hundred and seventy fools loose in the street; and -three policemen can scatter them. But huddle them together in a -certain house in Westminster; and let them go through certain -ceremonies and call themselves certain names until at last they -get the courage to kill; and your six hundred and seventy fools -become a government. Your pious mob fills up ballot papers and -imagines it is governing its masters; but the ballot paper that -really governs is the paper that has a bullet wrapped up in it. - -CUSINS. That is perhaps why, like most intelligent people, I -never vote. - -UNDERSHAFT Vote! Bah! When you vote, you only change the names of -the cabinet. When you shoot, you pull down governments, -inaugurate new epochs, abolish old orders and set up new. Is that -historically true, Mr Learned Man, or is it not? - -CUSINS. It is historically true. I loathe having to admit it. I -repudiate your sentiments. I abhor your nature. I defy you in -every possible way. Still, it is true. But it ought not to be -true. - -UNDERSHAFT. Ought, ought, ought, ought, ought! Are you going to -spend your life saying ought, like the rest of our moralists? -Turn your oughts into shalls, man. Come and make explosives with -me. Whatever can blow men up can blow society up. The history of -the world is the history of those who had courage enough to -embrace this truth. Have you the courage to embrace it, Barbara? - -LADY BRITOMART. Barbara, I positively forbid you to listen to -your father's abominable wickedness. And you, Adolphus, ought to -know better than to go about saying that wrong things are true. -What does it matter whether they are true if they are wrong? - -UNDERSHAFT. What does it matter whether they are wrong if they -are true? - -LADY BRITOMART [rising] Children: come home instantly. Andrew: I -am exceedingly sorry I allowed you to call on us. You are -wickeder than ever. Come at once. - -BARBARA [shaking her head] It's no use running away from wicked -people, mamma. - -LADY BRITOMART. It is every use. It shows your disapprobation of -them. - -BARBARA. It does not save them. - -LADY BRITOMART. I can see that you are going to disobey me. -Sarah: are you coming home or are you not? - -SARAH. I daresay it's very wicked of papa to make cannons; but I -don't think I shall cut him on that account. - -LOMAX [pouring oil on the troubled waters] The fact is, you know, -there is a certain amount of tosh about this notion of wickedness. -It doesn't work. You must look at facts. Not that I would say a -word in favor of anything wrong; but then, you see, all sorts of -chaps are always doing all sorts of things; and we have to fit -them in somehow, don't you know. What I mean is that you can't -go cutting everybody; and that's about what it comes to. [Their -rapt attention to his eloquence makes him nervous] Perhaps I -don't make myself clear. - -LADY BRITOMART. You are lucidity itself, Charles. Because Andrew -is successful and has plenty of money to give to Sarah, you will -flatter him and encourage him in his wickedness. - -LOMAX [unruffled] Well, where the carcase is, there will the -eagles be gathered, don't you know. [To Undershaft] Eh? What? - -UNDERSHAFT. Precisely. By the way, may I call you Charles? - -LOMAX. Delighted. Cholly is the usual ticket. - -UNDERSHAFT [to Lady Britomart] Biddy-- - -LADY BRITOMART [violently] Don't dare call me Biddy. Charles -Lomax: you are a fool. Adolphus Cusins: you are a Jesuit. -Stephen: you are a prig. Barbara: you are a lunatic. Andrew: you -are a vulgar tradesman. Now you all know my opinion; and my -conscience is clear, at all events [she sits down again with a -vehemence that almost wrecks the chair]. - -UNDERSHAFT. My dear, you are the incarnation of morality. [She -snorts]. Your conscience is clear and your duty done when you -have called everybody names. Come, Euripides! it is getting late; -and we all want to get home. Make up your mind. - -CUSINS. Understand this, you old demon-- - -LADY BRITOMART. Adolphus! - -UNDERSHAFT. Let him alone, Biddy. Proceed, Euripides. - -CUSINS. You have me in a horrible dilemma. I want Barbara. - -UNDERSHAFT. Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate the -difference between one young woman and another. - -BARBARA. Quite true, Dolly. - -CUSINS. I also want to avoid being a rascal. - -UNDERSHAFT [with biting contempt] You lust for personal -righteousness, for self-approval, for what you call a good -conscience, for what Barbara calls salvation, for what I call -patronizing people who are not so lucky as yourself. - -CUSINS. I do not: all the poet in me recoils from being a good -man. But there are things in me that I must reckon with: pity-- - -UNDERSHAFT. Pity! The scavenger of misery. - -CUSINS. Well, love. - -UNDERSHAFT. I know. You love the needy and the outcast: you love -the oppressed races, the negro, the Indian ryot, the Pole, the -Irishman. Do you love the Japanese? Do you love the Germans? Do -you love the English? - -CUSINS. No. Every true Englishman detests the English. We are the -wickedest nation on earth; and our success is a moral horror. - -UNDERSHAFT. That is what comes of your gospel of love, is it? - -CUSINS. May I not love even my father-in-law? - -UNDERSHAFT. Who wants your love, man? By what right do you take -the liberty of offering it to me? I will have your due heed and -respect, or I will kill you. But your love! Damn your impertinence! - -CUSINS [grinning] I may not be able to control my affections, Mac. - -UNDERSHAFT. You are fencing, Euripides. You are weakening: your -grip is slipping. Come! try your last weapon. Pity and love have -broken in your hand: forgiveness is still left. - -CUSINS. No: forgiveness is a beggar's refuge. I am with you -there: we must pay our debts. - -UNDERSHAFT. Well said. Come! you will suit me. Remember the words -of Plato. - -CUSINS [starting] Plato! You dare quote Plato to me! - -UNDERSHAFT. Plato says, my friend, that society cannot be saved -until either the Professors of Greek take to making gunpowder, or -else the makers of gunpowder become Professors of Greek. - -CUSINS. Oh, tempter, cunning tempter! - -UNDERSHAFT. Come! choose, man, choose. - -CUSINS. But perhaps Barbara will not marry me if I make the wrong -choice. - -BARBARA. Perhaps not. - -CUSINS [desperately perplexed] You hear-- - -BARBARA. Father: do you love nobody? - -UNDERSHAFT. I love my best friend. - -LADY BRITOMART. And who is that, pray? - -UNDERSHAFT. My bravest enemy. That is the man who keeps me up to -the mark. - -CUSINS. You know, the creature is really a sort of poet in his -way. Suppose he is a great man, after all! - -UNDERSHAFT. Suppose you stop talking and make up your mind, my -young friend. - -CUSINS. But you are driving me against my nature. I hate war. - -UNDERSHAFT. Hatred is the coward's revenge for being intimidated. -Dare you make war on war? Here are the means: my friend Mr Lomax -is sitting on them. - -LOMAX [springing up] Oh I say! You don't mean that this thing is -loaded, do you? My ownest: come off it. - -SARAH [sitting placidly on the shell] If I am to be blown up, the -more thoroughly it is done the better. Don't fuss, Cholly. - -LOMAX [to Undershaft, strongly remonstrant] Your own daughter, -you know. - -UNDERSHAFT. So I see. [To Cusins] Well, my friend, may we expect -you here at six tomorrow morning? - -CUSINS [firmly] Not on any account. I will see the whole -establishment blown up with its own dynamite before I will get up -at five. My hours are healthy, rational hours eleven to five. - -UNDERSHAFT. Come when you please: before a week you will come at -six and stay until I turn you out for the sake of your health. -[Calling] Bilton! [He turns to Lady Britomart, who rises]. My -dear: let us leave these two young people to themselves for a -moment. [Bilton comes from the shed]. I am going to take you -through the gun cotton shed. - -BILTON [barring the way] You can't take anything explosive in -here, Sir. - -LADY BRITOMART. What do you mean? Are you alluding to me? - -BILTON [unmoved] No, ma'am. Mr Undershaft has the other -gentleman's matches in his pocket. - -LADY BRITOMART [abruptly] Oh! I beg your pardon. [She goes into -the shed]. - -UNDERSHAFT. Quite right, Bilton, quite right: here you are. [He -gives Bilton the box of matches]. Come, Stephen. Come, Charles. -Bring Sarah. [He passes into the shed]. - -Bilton opens the box and deliberately drops the matches into the -fire-bucket. - -LOMAX. Oh I say! [Bilton stolidly hands him the empty box]. -Infernal nonsense! Pure scientific ignorance! [He goes in]. - -SARAH. Am I all right, Bilton? - -BILTON. You'll have to put on list slippers, miss: that's all. -We've got em inside. [She goes in]. - -STEPHEN [very seriously to Cusins] Dolly, old fellow, think. -Think before you decide. Do you feel that you are a sufficiently -practical man? It is a huge undertaking, an enormous responsibility. -All this mass of business will be Greek to you. - -CUSINS. Oh, I think it will be much less difficult than Greek. - -STEPHEN. Well, I just want to say this before I leave you to -yourselves. Don't let anything I have said about right and wrong -prejudice you against this great chance in life. I have satisfied -myself that the business is one of the highest character and a -credit to our country. [Emotionally] I am very proud of my -father. I-- [Unable to proceed, he presses Cusins' hand and goes -hastily into the shed, followed by Bilton]. - -Barbara and Cusins, left alone together, look at one another -silently. - -CUSINS. Barbara: I am going to accept this offer. - -BARBARA. I thought you would. - -CUSINS. You understand, don't you, that I had to decide without -consulting you. If I had thrown the burden of the choice on you, -you would sooner or later have despised me for it. - -BARBARA. Yes: I did not want you to sell your soul for me any -more than for this inheritance. - -CUSINS. It is not the sale of my soul that troubles me: I have -sold it too often to care about that. I have sold it for a -professorship. I have sold it for an income. I have sold it to -escape being imprisoned for refusing to pay taxes for hangmen's -ropes and unjust wars and things that I abhor. What is all human -conduct but the daily and hourly sale of our souls for trifles? -What I am now selling it for is neither money nor position nor -comfort, but for reality and for power. - -BARBARA. You know that you will have no power, and that he has -none. - -CUSINS. I know. It is not for myself alone. I want to make power -for the world. - -BARBARA. I want to make power for the world too; but it must be -spiritual power. - -CUSINS. I think all power is spiritual: these cannons will not go -off by themselves. I have tried to make spiritual power by -teaching Greek. But the world can never be really touched by a -dead language and a dead civilization. The people must have -power; and the people cannot have Greek. Now the power that is -made here can be wielded by all men. - -BARBARA. Power to burn women's houses down and kill their sons -and tear their husbands to pieces. - -CUSINS. You cannot have power for good without having power for -evil too. Even mother's milk nourishes murderers as well as -heroes. This power which only tears men's bodies to pieces has -never been so horribly abused as the intellectual power, the -imaginative power, the poetic, religious power that can enslave -men's souls. As a teacher of Greek I gave the intellectual man -weapons against the common man. I now want to give the common man -weapons against the intellectual man. I love the common people. I -want to arm them against the lawyer, the doctor, the priest, the -literary man, the professor, the artist, and the politician, who, -once in authority, are the most dangerous, disastrous, and -tyrannical of all the fools, rascals, and impostors. I want a -democratic power strong enough to force the intellectual -oligarchy to use its genius for the general good or else perish. - -BARBARA. Is there no higher power than that [pointing to the -shell]? - -CUSINS. Yes: but that power can destroy the higher powers just as -a tiger can destroy a man: therefore man must master that power -first. I admitted this when the Turks and Greeks were last at -war. My best pupil went out to fight for Hellas. My parting gift -to him was not a copy of Plato's Republic, but a revolver and a -hundred Undershaft cartridges. The blood of every Turk he shot--if -he shot any--is on my head as well as on Undershaft's. That act -committed me to this place for ever. Your father's challenge has -beaten me. Dare I make war on war? I dare. I must. I will. And -now, is it all over between us? - -BARBARA [touched by his evident dread of her answer] Silly baby -Dolly! How could it be? - -CUSINS [overjoyed] Then you--you--you-- Oh for my drum! [He -flourishes imaginary drumsticks]. - -BARBARA [angered by his levity] Take care, Dolly, take care. Oh, -if only I could get away from you and from father and from it -all! if I could have the wings of a dove and fly away to heaven! - -CUSINS. And leave me! - -BARBARA. Yes, you, and all the other naughty mischievous children -of men. But I can't. I was happy in the Salvation Army for a -moment. I escaped from the world into a paradise of enthusiasm -and prayer and soul saving; but the moment our money ran short, -it all came back to Bodger: it was he who saved our people: he, -and the Prince of Darkness, my papa. Undershaft and Bodger: their -hands stretch everywhere: when we feed a starving fellow -creature, it is with their bread, because there is no other -bread; when we tend the sick, it is in the hospitals they endow; -if we turn from the churches they build, we must kneel on the -stones of the streets they pave. As long as that lasts, there is -no getting away from them. Turning our backs on Bodger and -Undershaft is turning our backs on life. - -CUSINS. I thought you were determined to turn your back on the -wicked side of life. - -BARBARA. There is no wicked side: life is all one. And I never -wanted to shirk my share in whatever evil must be endured, -whether it be sin or suffering. I wish I could cure you of -middle-class ideas, Dolly. - -CUSINS [gasping] Middle cl--! A snub! A social snub to ME! from -the daughter of a foundling! - -BARBARA. That is why I have no class, Dolly: I come straight out -of the heart of the whole people. If I were middle-class I should -turn my back on my father's business; and we should both live in -an artistic drawingroom, with you reading the reviews in one -corner, and I in the other at the piano, playing Schumann: both -very superior persons, and neither of us a bit of use. Sooner -than that, I would sweep out the guncotton shed, or be one of -Bodger's barmaids. Do you know what would have happened if you -had refused papa's offer? - -CUSINS. I wonder! - -BARBARA. I should have given you up and married the man who -accepted it. After all, my dear old mother has more sense than -any of you. I felt like her when I saw this place--felt that I -must have it--that never, never, never could I let it go; only -she thought it was the houses and the kitchen ranges and the -linen and china, when it was really all the human souls to be -saved: not weak souls in starved bodies, crying with gratitude or -a scrap of bread and treacle, but fullfed, quarrelsome, snobbish, -uppish creatures, all standing on their little rights and -dignities, and thinking that my father ought to be greatly -obliged to them for making so much money for him--and so he -ought. That is where salvation is really wanted. My father shall -never throw it in my teeth again that my converts were bribed -with bread. [She is transfigured]. I have got rid of the bribe of -bread. I have got rid of the bribe of heaven. Let God's work be -done for its own sake: the work he had to create us to do because -it cannot be done by living men and women. When I die, let him be -in my debt, not I in his; and let me forgive him as becomes a -woman of my rank. - -CUSINS. Then the way of life lies through the factory of death? - -BARBARA. Yes, through the raising of hell to heaven and of man to -God, through the unveiling of an eternal light in the Valley of -The Shadow. [Seizing him with both hands] Oh, did you think my -courage would never come back? did you believe that I was a -deserter? that I, who have stood in the streets, and taken my -people to my heart, and talked of the holiest and greatest things -with them, could ever turn back and chatter foolishly to -fashionable people about nothing in a drawingroom? Never, never, -never, never: Major Barbara will die with the colors. Oh! and I -have my dear little Dolly boy still; and he has found me my place -and my work. Glory Hallelujah! [She kisses him]. - -CUSINS. My dearest: consider my delicate health. I cannot stand -as much happiness as you can. - -BARBARA. Yes: it is not easy work being in love with me, is it? -But it's good for you. [She runs to the shed, and calls, -childlike] Mamma! Mamma! [Bilton comes out of the shed, followed -by Undershaft]. I want Mamma. - -UNDERSHAFT. She is taking off her list slippers, dear. [He passes -on to Cusins]. Well? What does she say? - -CUSINS. She has gone right up into the skies. - -LADY BRITOMART [coming from the shed and stopping on the steps, -obstructing Sarah, who follows with Lomax. Barbara clutches like -a baby at her mother's skirt]. Barbara: when will you learn to be -independent and to act and think for yourself? I know as well as -possible what that cry of "Mamma, Mamma," means. Always running -to me! - -SARAH [touching Lady Britomart's ribs with her finger tips and -imitating a bicycle horn] Pip! Pip! - -LADY BRITOMART [highly indignant] How dare you say Pip! pip! to -me, Sarah? You are both very naughty children. What do you want, -Barbara? - -BARBARA. I want a house in the village to live in with Dolly. -[Dragging at the skirt] Come and tell me which one to take. - -UNDERSHAFT [to Cusins] Six o'clock tomorrow morning, my young -friend. - - - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Major Barbara, by George Bernard Shaw - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MAJOR BARBARA *** - -***** This file should be named 3790.txt or 3790.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/3/7/9/3790/ - -Produced by Eve Sobol. HTML version by Al Haines. - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Hart -and may be reprinted only when these Etexts are free of all fees.] -[Project Gutenberg is a TradeMark and may not be used in any sales -of Project Gutenberg Etexts or other materials be they hardware or -software or any other related product without express permission.] - -*END THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.07/27/01*END* - - - - - - - -This etext was produced by Eve Sobol, South Bend, Indiana, USA - - - - - - -MAJOR BARBARA - -BERNARD SHAW - - - - -ACT I - -It is after dinner on a January night, in the library in -Lady Britomart Undershaft's house in Wilton Crescent. A large and -comfortable settee is in the middle of the room, upholstered in -dark leather. A person sitting on it [it is vacant at present] -would have, on his right, Lady Britomart's writing table, with -the lady herself busy at it; a smaller writing table behind him -on his left; the door behind him on Lady Britomart's side; and a -window with a window seat directly on his left. Near the window -is an armchair. - -Lady Britomart is a woman of fifty or thereabouts, well dressed -and yet careless of her dress, well bred and quite reckless of -her breeding, well mannered and yet appallingly outspoken and -indifferent to the opinion of her interlocutory, amiable and yet -peremptory, arbitrary, and high-tempered to the last bearable -degree, and withal a very typical managing matron of the upper -class, treated as a naughty child until she grew into a scolding -mother, and finally settling down with plenty of practical -ability and worldly experience, limited in the oddest way with -domestic and class limitations, conceiving the universe exactly -as if it were a large house in Wilton Crescent, though handling -her corner of it very effectively on that assumption, and being -quite enlightened and liberal as to the books in the library, the -pictures on the walls, the music in the portfolios, and the -articles in the papers. - -Her son, Stephen, comes in. He is a gravely correct young man -under 25, taking himself very seriously, but still in some awe of -his mother, from childish habit and bachelor shyness rather than -from any weakness of character. - -STEPHEN. What's the matter? - -LADY BRITOMART. Presently, Stephen. - -Stephen submissively walks to the settee and sits down. He takes -up The Speaker. - -LADY BRITOMART. Don't begin to read, Stephen. I shall require all -your attention. - -STEPHEN. It was only while I was waiting-- - -LADY BRITOMART. Don't make excuses, Stephen. [He puts down The -Speaker]. Now! [She finishes her writing; rises; and comes to the -settee]. I have not kept you waiting very long, I think. - -STEPHEN. Not at all, mother. - -LADY BRITOMART. Bring me my cushion. [He takes the cushion from -the chair at the desk and arranges it for her as she sits down on -the settee]. Sit down. [He sits down and fingers his tie -nervously]. Don't fiddle with your tie, Stephen: there is nothing -the matter with it. - -STEPHEN. I beg your pardon. [He fiddles with his watch chain -instead]. - -LADY BRITOMART. Now are you attending to me, Stephen? - -STEPHEN. Of course, mother. - -LADY BRITOMART. No: it's not of course. I want something much -more than your everyday matter-of-course attention. I am going to -speak to you very seriously, Stephen. I wish you would let that -chain alone. - -STEPHEN [hastily relinquishing the chain] Have I done anything to -annoy you, mother? If so, it was quite unintentional. - -LADY BRITOMART [astonished] Nonsense! [With some remorse] My poor -boy, did you think I was angry with you? - -STEPHEN. What is it, then, mother? You are making me very uneasy. - -LADY BRITOMART [squaring herself at him rather aggressively] -Stephen: may I ask how soon you intend to realize that you are a -grown-up man, and that I am only a woman? - -STEPHEN [amazed] Only a-- - -LADY BRITOMART. Don't repeat my words, please: It is a most -aggravating habit. You must learn to face life seriously, -Stephen. I really cannot bear the whole burden of our family -affairs any longer. You must advise me: you must assume the -responsibility. - -STEPHEN. I! - -LADY BRITOMART. Yes, you, of course. You were 24 last June. -You've been at Harrow and Cambridge. You've been to India and -Japan. You must know a lot of things now; unless you have wasted -your time most scandalously. Well, advise me. - -STEPHEN [much perplexed] You know I have never interfered in the -household-- - -LADY BRITOMART. No: I should think not. I don't want you to order -the dinner. - -STEPHEN. I mean in our family affairs. - -LADY BRITOMART. Well, you must interfere now; for they are -getting quite beyond me. - -STEPHEN [troubled] I have thought sometimes that perhaps I ought; -but really, mother, I know so little about them; and what I do -know is so painful--it is so impossible to mention some things to -you--[he stops, ashamed]. - -LADY BRITOMART. I suppose you mean your father. - -STEPHEN [almost inaudibly] Yes. - -LADY BRITOMART. My dear: we can't go on all our lives not -mentioning him. Of course you were quite right not to open the -subject until I asked you to; but you are old enough now to be -taken into my confidence, and to help me to deal with him about -the girls. - -STEPHEN. But the girls are all right. They are engaged. - -LADY BRITOMART [complacently] Yes: I have made a very good match -for Sarah. Charles Lomax will be a millionaire at 35. But that is -ten years ahead; and in the meantime his trustees cannot under -the terms of his father's will allow him more than 800 pounds a -year. - -STEPHEN. But the will says also that if he increases his income -by his own exertions, they may double the increase. - -LADY BRITOMART. Charles Lomax's exertions are much more likely to -decrease his income than to increase it. Sarah will have to find -at least another 800 pounds a year for the next ten years; and -even then they will be as poor as church mice. And what about -Barbara? I thought Barbara was going to make the most brilliant -career of all of you. And what does she do? Joins the Salvation -Army; discharges her maid; lives on a pound a week; and walks in -one evening with a professor of Greek whom she has picked up in -the street, and who pretends to be a Salvationist, and actually -plays the big drum for her in public because he has fallen head -over ears in love with her. - -STEPHEN. I was certainly rather taken aback when I heard they -were engaged. Cusins is a very nice fellow, certainly: nobody -would ever guess that he was born in Australia; but-- - -LADY BRITOMART. Oh, Adolphus Cusins will make a very good -husband. After all, nobody can say a word against Greek: it -stamps a man at once as an educated gentleman. And my family, -thank Heaven, is not a pig-headed Tory one. We are Whigs, and -believe in liberty. Let snobbish people say what they please: -Barbara shall marry, not the man they like, but the man I like. - -STEPHEN. Of course I was thinking only of his income. However, he -is not likely to be extravagant. - -LADY BRITOMART. Don't be too sure of that, Stephen. I know your -quiet, simple, refined, poetic people like Adolphus--quite -content with the best of everything! They cost more than your -extravagant people, who are always as mean as they are second -rate. No: Barbara will need at least 2000 pounds a year. You see -it means two additional households. Besides, my dear, you must -marry soon. I don't approve of the present fashion of -philandering bachelors and late marriages; and I am trying to -arrange something for you. - -STEPHEN. It's very good of you, mother; but perhaps I had better -arrange that for myself. - -LADY BRITOMART. Nonsense! you are much too young to begin -matchmaking: you would be taken in by some pretty little nobody. -Of course I don't mean that you are not to be consulted: you know -that as well as I do. [Stephen closes his lips and is silent]. -Now don't sulk, Stephen. - -STEPHEN. I am not sulking, mother. What has all this got to do -with--with--with my father? - -LADY BRITOMART. My dear Stephen: where is the money to come from? -It is easy enough for you and the other children to live on my -income as long as we are in the same house; but I can't keep four -families in four separate houses. You know how poor my father is: -he has barely seven thousand a year now; and really, if he were -not the Earl of Stevenage, he would have to give up society. He -can do nothing for us: he says, naturally enough, that it is -absurd that he should be asked to provide for the children of a -man who is rolling in money. You see, Stephen, your father must -be fabulously wealthy, because there is always a war going on -somewhere. - -STEPHEN. You need not remind me of that, mother. I have hardly -ever opened a newspaper in my life without seeing our name in it. -The Undershaft torpedo! The Undershaft quick firers! The -Undershaft ten inch! the Undershaft disappearing rampart gun! the -Undershaft submarine! and now the Undershaft aerial battleship! -At Harrow they called me the Woolwich Infant. At Cambridge it was -the same. A little brute at King's who was always trying to get -up revivals, spoilt my Bible--your first birthday present to me-- -by writing under my name, "Son and heir to Undershaft and -Lazarus, Death and Destruction Dealers: address, Christendom and -Judea." But that was not so bad as the way I was kowtowed to -everywhere because my father was making millions by selling -cannons. - -LADY BRITOMART. It is not only the cannons, but the war loans -that Lazarus arranges under cover of giving credit for the -cannons. You know, Stephen, it's perfectly scandalous. Those two -men, Andrew Undershaft and Lazarus, positively have Europe under -their thumbs. That is why your father is able to behave as he -does. He is above the law. Do you think Bismarck or Gladstone or -Disraeli could have openly defied every social and moral -obligation all their lives as your father has? They simply -wouldn't have dared. I asked Gladstone to take it up. I asked The -Times to take it up. I asked the Lord Chamberlain to take it up. -But it was just like asking them to declare war on the Sultan. -They WOULDN'T. They said they couldn't touch him. I believe they -were afraid. - -STEPHEN. What could they do? He does not actually break the law. - -LADY BRITOMART. Not break the law! He is always breaking the law. -He broke the law when he was born: his parents were not married. - -STEPHEN. Mother! Is that true? - -LADY BRITOMART. Of course it's true: that was why we separated. - -STEPHEN. He married without letting you know this! - -LADY BRITOMART [rather taken aback by this inference] Oh no. To -do Andrew justice, that was not the sort of thing he did. -Besides, you know the Undershaft motto: Unashamed. Everybody -knew. - -STEPHEN. But you said that was why you separated. - -LADY BRITOMART. Yes, because he was not content with being a -foundling himself: he wanted to disinherit you for another -foundling. That was what I couldn't stand. - -STEPHEN [ashamed] Do you mean for--for--for-- - -LADY BRITOMART. Don't stammer, Stephen. Speak distinctly. - -STEPHEN. But this is so frightful to me, mother. To have to speak -to you about such things! - -LADY BRITOMART. It's not pleasant for me, either, especially if -you are still so childish that you must make it worse by a -display of embarrassment. It is only in the middle classes, -Stephen, that people get into a state of dumb helpless horror -when they find that there are wicked people in the world. In our -class, we have to decide what is to be done with wicked people; -and nothing should disturb our self possession. Now ask your -question properly. - -STEPHEN. Mother: you have no consideration for me. For Heaven's -sake either treat me as a child, as you always do, and tell me -nothing at all; or tell me everything and let me take it as best -I can. - -LADY BRITOMART. Treat you as a child! What do you mean? It is -most unkind and ungrateful of you to say such a thing. You know I -have never treated any of you as children. I have always made you -my companions and friends, and allowed you perfect freedom to do -and say whatever you liked, so long as you liked what I could -approve of. - -STEPHEN [desperately] I daresay we have been the very imperfect -children of a very perfect mother; but I do beg you to let me -alone for once, and tell me about this horrible business of my -father wanting to set me aside for another son. - -LADY BRITOMART [amazed] Another son! I never said anything of the -kind. I never dreamt of such a thing. This is what comes of -interrupting me. - -STEPHEN. But you said-- - -LADY BRITOMART [cutting him short] Now be a good boy, Stephen, -and listen to me patiently. The Undershafts are descended from a -foundling in the parish of St. Andrew Undershaft in the city. -That was long ago, in the reign of James the First. Well, this -foundling was adopted by an armorer and gun-maker. In the course -of time the foundling succeeded to the business; and from some -notion of gratitude, or some vow or something, he adopted another -foundling, and left the business to him. And that foundling did -the same. Ever since that, the cannon business has always been -left to an adopted foundling named Andrew Undershaft. - -STEPHEN. But did they never marry? Were there no legitimate sons? - -LADY BRITOMART. Oh yes: they married just as your father did; and -they were rich enough to buy land for their own children and -leave them well provided for. But they always adopted and trained -some foundling to succeed them in the business; and of course -they always quarrelled with their wives furiously over it. Your -father was adopted in that way; and he pretends to consider -himself bound to keep up the tradition and adopt somebody to -leave the business to. Of course I was not going to stand that. -There may have been some reason for it when the Undershafts could -only marry women in their own class, whose sons were not fit to -govern great estates. But there could be no excuse for passing -over my son. - -STEPHEN [dubiously] I am afraid I should make a poor hand of -managing a cannon foundry. - -LADY BRITOMART. Nonsense! you could easily get a manager and pay -him a salary. - -STEPHEN. My father evidently had no great opinion of my capacity. - -LADY BRITOMART. Stuff, child! you were only a baby: it had -nothing to do with your capacity. Andrew did it on principle, -just as he did every perverse and wicked thing on principle. When -my father remonstrated, Andrew actually told him to his face that -history tells us of only two successful institutions: one the -Undershaft firm, and the other the Roman Empire under the -Antonines. That was because the Antonine emperors all adopted -their successors. Such rubbish! The Stevenages are as good as the -Antonines, I hope; and you are a Stevenage. But that was Andrew -all over. There you have the man! Always clever and unanswerable -when he was defending nonsense and wickedness: always awkward and -sullen when he had to behave sensibly and decently! - -STEPHEN. Then it was on my account that your home life was broken -up, mother. I am sorry. - -LADY BRITOMART. Well, dear, there were other differences. I -really cannot bear an immoral man. I am not a Pharisee, I hope; -and I should not have minded his merely doing wrong things: we -are none of us perfect. But your father didn't exactly do wrong -things: he said them and thought them: that was what was so -dreadful. He really had a sort of religion of wrongness just as -one doesn't mind men practising immorality so long as they own -that they are in the wrong by preaching morality; so I couldn't -forgive Andrew for preaching immorality while he practised -morality. You would all have grown up without principles, without -any knowledge of right and wrong, if he had been in the house. -You know, my dear, your father was a very attractive man in some -ways. Children did not dislike him; and he took advantage of it -to put the wickedest ideas into their heads, and make them quite -unmanageable. I did not dislike him myself: very far from it; but -nothing can bridge over moral disagreement. - -STEPHEN. All this simply bewilders me, mother. People may differ -about matters of opinion, or even about religion; but how can -they differ about right and wrong? Right is right; and wrong is -wrong; and if a man cannot distinguish them properly, he is -either a fool or a rascal: that's all. - -LADY BRITOMART [touched] That's my own boy [she pats his cheek]! -Your father never could answer that: he used to laugh and get out -of it under cover of some affectionate nonsense. And now that you -understand the situation, what do you advise me to do? - -STEPHEN. Well, what can you do? - -LADY BRITOMART. I must get the money somehow. - -STEPHEN. We cannot take money from him. I had rather go and live -in some cheap place like Bedford Square or even Hampstead than -take a farthing of his money. - -LADY BRITOMART. But after all, Stephen, our present income comes -from Andrew. - -STEPHEN [shocked] I never knew that. - -LADY BRITOMART. Well, you surely didn't suppose your grandfather -had anything to give me. The Stevenages could not do everything -for you. We gave you social position. Andrew had to contribute -something. He had a very good bargain, I think. - -STEPHEN [bitterly] We are utterly dependent on him and his -cannons, then! - -LADY BRITOMART. Certainly not: the money is settled. But he -provided it. So you see it is not a question of taking money from -him or not: it is simply a question of how much. I don't want any -more for myself. - -STEPHEN. Nor do I. - -LADY BRITOMART. But Sarah does; and Barbara does. That is, -Charles Lomax and Adolphus Cusins will cost them more. So I must -put my pride in my pocket and ask for it, I suppose. That is your -advice, Stephen, is it not? - -STEPHEN. No. - -LADY BRITOMART [sharply] Stephen! - -STEPHEN. Of course if you are determined-- - -LADY BRITOMART. I am not determined: I ask your advice; and I am -waiting for it. I will not have all the responsibility thrown on -my shoulders. - -STEPHEN [obstinately] I would die sooner than ask him for another -penny. - -LADY BRITOMART [resignedly] You mean that I must ask him. Very -well, Stephen: It shall be as you wish. You will be glad to know -that your grandfather concurs. But he thinks I ought to ask -Andrew to come here and see the girls. After all, he must have -some natural affection for them. - -STEPHEN. Ask him here!!! - -LADY BRITOMART. Do not repeat my words, Stephen. Where else can I -ask him? - -STEPHEN. I never expected you to ask him at all. - -LADY BRITOMART. Now don't tease, Stephen. Come! you see that it -is necessary that he should pay us a visit, don't you? - -STEPHEN [reluctantly] I suppose so, if the girls cannot do -without his money. - -LADY BRITOMART. Thank you, Stephen: I knew you would give me the -right advice when it was properly explained to you. I have asked -your father to come this evening. [Stephen bounds from his seat] -Don't jump, Stephen: it fidgets me. - -STEPHEN [in utter consternation] Do you mean to say that my -father is coming here to-night--that he may be here at any -moment? - -LADY BRITOMART [looking at her watch] I said nine. [He gasps. She -rises]. Ring the bell, please. [Stephen goes to the smaller -writing table; presses a button on it; and sits at it with his -elbows on the table and his head in his hands, outwitted and -overwhelmed]. It is ten minutes to nine yet; and I have to -prepare the girls. I asked Charles Lomax and Adolphus to dinner -on purpose that they might be here. Andrew had better see them in -case he should cherish any delusions as to their being capable of -supporting their wives. [The butler enters: Lady Britomart goes -behind the settee to speak to him]. Morrison: go up to the -drawingroom and tell everybody to come down here at once. -[Morrison withdraws. Lady Britomart turns to Stephen]. Now -remember, Stephen, I shall need all your countenance and -authority. [He rises and tries to recover some vestige of these -attributes]. Give me a chair, dear. [He pushes a chair forward -from the wall to where she stands, near the smaller writing -table. She sits down; and he goes to the armchair, into which he -throws himself]. I don't know how Barbara will take it. Ever -since they made her a major in the Salvation Army she has -developed a propensity to have her own way and order people about -which quite cows me sometimes. It's not ladylike: I'm sure I -don't know where she picked it up. Anyhow, Barbara shan't bully -me; but still it's just as well that your father should be here -before she has time to refuse to meet him or make a fuss. Don't -look nervous, Stephen, it will only encourage Barbara to make -difficulties. I am nervous enough, goodness knows; but I don't -show it. - -Sarah and Barbara come in with their respective young men, -Charles Lomax and Adolphus Cusins. Sarah is slender, bored, and -mundane. Barbara is robuster, jollier, much more energetic. Sarah -is fashionably dressed: Barbara is in Salvation Army uniform. -Lomax, a young man about town, is like many other young men about -town. He is affected with a frivolous sense of humor which -plunges him at the most inopportune moments into paroxysms of -imperfectly suppressed laughter. Cusins is a spectacled student, -slight, thin haired, and sweet voiced, with a more complex form -of Lomax's complaint. His sense of humor is intellectual and -subtle, and is complicated by an appalling temper. The lifelong -struggle of a benevolent temperament and a high conscience -against impulses of inhuman ridicule and fierce impatience has -set up a chronic strain which has visibly wrecked his -constitution. He is a most implacable, determined, tenacious, -intolerant person who by mere force of character presents himself -as--and indeed actually is--considerate, gentle, explanatory, -even mild and apologetic, capable possibly of murder, but not of -cruelty or coarseness. By the operation of some instinct which is -not merciful enough to blind him with the illusions of love, he -is obstinately bent on marrying Barbara. Lomax likes Sarah and -thinks it will be rather a lark to marry her. Consequently he has -not attempted to resist Lady Britomart's arrangements to that -end. - -All four look as if they had been having a good deal of fun in -the drawingroom. The girls enter first, leaving the swains -outside. Sarah comes to the settee. Barbara comes in after her -and stops at the door. - -BARBARA. Are Cholly and Dolly to come in? - -LADY BRITOMART [forcibly] Barbara: I will not have Charles called -Cholly: the vulgarity of it positively makes me ill. - -BARBARA. It's all right, mother. Cholly is quite correct -nowadays. Are they to come in? - -LADY BRITOMART. Yes, if they will behave themselves. - -BARBARA [through the door] Come in, Dolly, and behave yourself. - -Barbara comes to her mother's writing table. Cusins enters -smiling, and wanders towards Lady Britomart. - -SARAH [calling] Come in, Cholly. [Lomax enters, controlling his -features very imperfectly, and places himself vaguely between -Sarah and Barbara]. - -LADY BRITOMART [peremptorily] Sit down, all of you. [They sit. -Cusins crosses to the window and seats himself there. Lomax takes -a chair. Barbara sits at the writing table and Sarah on the -settee]. I don't in the least know what you are laughing at, -Adolphus. I am surprised at you, though I expected nothing better -from Charles Lomax. - -CUSINS [in a remarkably gentle voice] Barbara has been trying to -teach me the West Ham Salvation March. - -LADY BRITOMART. I see nothing to laugh at in that; nor should you -if you are really converted. - -CUSINS [sweetly] You were not present. It was really funny, I -believe. - -LOMAX. Ripping. - -LADY BRITOMART. Be quiet, Charles. Now listen to me, children. -Your father is coming here this evening. [General stupefaction]. - -LOMAX [remonstrating] Oh I say! - -LADY BRITOMART. You are not called on to say anything, Charles. - -SARAH. Are you serious, mother? - -LADY BRITOMART. Of course I am serious. It is on your account, -Sarah, and also on Charles's. [Silence. Charles looks painfully -unworthy]. I hope you are not going to object, Barbara. - -BARBARA. I! why should I? My father has a soul to be saved like -anybody else. He's quite welcome as far as I am concerned. - -LOMAX [still remonstrant] But really, don't you know! Oh I say! - -LADY BRITOMART [frigidly] What do you wish to convey, Charles? - -LOMAX. Well, you must admit that this is a bit thick. - -LADY BRITOMART [turning with ominous suavity to Cusins] Adolphus: -you are a professor of Greek. Can you translate Charles Lomax's -remarks into reputable English for us? - -CUSINS [cautiously] If I may say so, Lady Brit, I think Charles -has rather happily expressed what we all feel. Homer, speaking of -Autolycus, uses the same phrase. - -LOMAX [handsomely] Not that I mind, you know, if Sarah don't. - -LADY BRITOMART [crushingly] Thank you. Have I your permission, -Adolphus, to invite my own husband to my own house? - -CUSINS [gallantly] You have my unhesitating support in everything -you do. - -LADY BRITOMART. Sarah: have you nothing to say? - -SARAH. Do you mean that he is coming regularly to live here? - -LADY BRITOMART. Certainly not. The spare room is ready for him if -he likes to stay for a day or two and see a little more of you; -but there are limits. - -SARAH. Well, he can't eat us, I suppose. I don't mind. - -LOMAX [chuckling] I wonder how the old man will take it. - -LADY BRITOMART. Much as the old woman will, no doubt, Charles. - -LOMAX [abashed] I didn't mean--at least-- - -LADY BRITOMART. You didn't think, Charles. You never do; and the -result is, you never mean anything. And now please attend to me, -children. Your father will be quite a stranger to us. - -LOMAX. I suppose he hasn't seen Sarah since she was a little kid. - -LADY BRITOMART. Not since she was a little kid, Charles, as you -express it with that elegance of diction and refinement of -thought that seem never to desert you. Accordingly--er-- -[impatiently] Now I have forgotten what I was going to say. That -comes of your provoking me to be sarcastic, Charles. Adolphus: -will you kindly tell me where I was. - -CUSINS [sweetly] You were saying that as Mr Undershaft has not -seen his children since they were babies, he will form his -opinion of the way you have brought them up from their behavior -to-night, and that therefore you wish us all to be particularly -careful to conduct ourselves well, especially Charles. - -LOMAX. Look here: Lady Brit didn't say that. - -LADY BRITOMART [vehemently] I did, Charles. Adolphus's -recollection is perfectly correct. It is most important that you -should be good; and I do beg you for once not to pair off into -opposite corners and giggle and whisper while I am speaking to -your father. - -BARBARA. All right, mother. We'll do you credit. - -LADY BRITOMART. Remember, Charles, that Sarah will want to feel -proud of you instead of ashamed of you. - -LOMAX. Oh I say! There's nothing to be exactly proud of, don't -you know. - -LADY BRITOMART. Well, try and look as if there was. - -Morrison, pale and dismayed, breaks into the room in unconcealed -disorder. - -MORRISON. Might I speak a word to you, my lady? - -LADY BRITOMART. Nonsense! Show him up. - -MORRISON. Yes, my lady. [He goes]. - -LOMAX. Does Morrison know who he is? - -LADY BRITOMART. Of course. Morrison has always been with us. - -LOMAX. It must be a regular corker for him, don't you know. - -LADY BRITOMART. Is this a moment to get on my nerves, Charles, -with your outrageous expressions? - -LOMAX. But this is something out of the ordinary, really-- - -MORRISON [at the door] The--er--Mr Undershaft. [He retreats in -confusion]. - -Andrew Undershaft comes in. All rise. Lady Britomart meets him in -the middle of the room behind the settee. - -Andrew is, on the surface, a stoutish, easygoing elderly man, -with kindly patient manners, and an engaging simplicity of -character. But he has a watchful, deliberate, waiting, listening -face, and formidable reserves of power, both bodily and mental, -in his capacious chest and long head. His gentleness is partly -that of a strong man who has learnt by experience that his -natural grip hurts ordinary people unless he handles them very -carefully, and partly the mellowness of age and success. He is -also a little shy in his present very delicate situation. - -LADY BRITOMART. Good evening, Andrew. - -UNDERSHAFT. How d'ye do, my dear. - -LADY BRITOMART. You look a good deal older. - -UNDERSHAFT [apologetically] I AM somewhat older. [With a touch of -courtship] Time has stood still with you. - -LADY BRITOMART [promptly] Rubbish! This is your family. - -UNDERSHAFT [surprised] Is it so large? I am sorry to say my -memory is failing very badly in some things. [He offers his hand -with paternal kindness to Lomax]. - -LOMAX [jerkily shaking his hand] Ahdedoo. - -UNDERSHAFT. I can see you are my eldest. I am very glad to meet -you again, my boy. - -LOMAX [remonstrating] No but look here don't you know--[Overcome] -Oh I say! - -LADY BRITOMART [recovering from momentary speechlessness] Andrew: -do you mean to say that you don't remember how many children you -have? - -UNDERSHAFT. Well, I am afraid I--. They have grown so much--er. -Am I making any ridiculous mistake? I may as well confess: I -recollect only one son. But so many things have happened since, -of course--er-- - -LADY BRITOMART [decisively] Andrew: you are talking nonsense. Of -course you have only one son. - -UNDERSHAFT. Perhaps you will be good enough to introduce me, my -dear. - -LADY BRITOMART. That is Charles Lomax, who is engaged to Sarah. - -UNDERSHAFT. My dear sir, I beg your pardon. - -LOMAX. Notatall. Delighted, I assure you. - -LADY BRITOMART. This is Stephen. - -UNDERSHAFT [bowing] Happy to make your acquaintance, Mr Stephen. -Then [going to Cusins] you must be my son. [Taking Cusins' hands -in his] How are you, my young friend? [To Lady Britomart] He is -very like you, my love. - -CUSINS. You flatter me, Mr Undershaft. My name is Cusins: engaged -to Barbara. [Very explicitly] That is Major Barbara Undershaft, -of the Salvation Army. That is Sarah, your second daughter. This -is Stephen Undershaft, your son. - -UNDERSHAFT. My dear Stephen, I beg your pardon. - -STEPHEN. Not at all. - -UNDERSHAFT. Mr Cusins: I am much indebted to you for explaining -so precisely. [Turning to Sarah] Barbara, my dear-- - -SARAH [prompting him] Sarah. - -UNDERSHAFT. Sarah, of course. [They shake hands. He goes over to -Barbara] Barbara--I am right this time, I hope. - -BARBARA. Quite right. [They shake hands]. - -LADY BRITOMART [resuming command] Sit down, all of you. Sit down, -Andrew. [She comes forward and sits on the settle. Cusins also -brings his chair forward on her left. Barbara and Stephen resume -their seats. Lomax gives his chair to Sarah and goes for -another]. - -UNDERSHAFT. Thank you, my love. - -LOMAX [conversationally, as he brings a chair forward between the -writing table and the settee, and offers it to Undershaft] Takes -you some time to find out exactly where you are, don't it? - -UNDERSHAFT [accepting the chair] That is not what embarrasses me, -Mr Lomax. My difficulty is that if I play the part of a father, I -shall produce the effect of an intrusive stranger; and if I play -the part of a discreet stranger, I may appear a callous father. - -LADY BRITOMART. There is no need for you to play any part at all, -Andrew. You had much better be sincere and natural. - -UNDERSHAFT [submissively] Yes, my dear: I daresay that will be -best. [Making himself comfortable] Well, here I am. Now what can -I do for you all? - -LADY BRITOMART. You need not do anything, Andrew. You are one of -the family. You can sit with us and enjoy yourself. - -Lomax's too long suppressed mirth explodes in agonized neighings. - -LADY BRITOMART [outraged] Charles Lomax: if you can behave -yourself, behave yourself. If not, leave the room. - -LOMAX. I'm awfully sorry, Lady Brit; but really, you know, upon -my soul! [He sits on the settee between Lady Britomart and -Undershaft, quite overcome]. - -BARBARA. Why don't you laugh if you want to, Cholly? It's good -for your inside. - -LADY BRITOMART. Barbara: you have had the education of a lady. -Please let your father see that; and don't talk like a street -girl. - -UNDERSHAFT. Never mind me, my dear. As you know, I am not a -gentleman; and I was never educated. - -LOMAX [encouragingly] Nobody'd know it, I assure you. You look -all right, you know. - -CUSINS. Let me advise you to study Greek, Mr Undershaft. Greek -scholars are privileged men. Few of them know Greek; and none of -them know anything else; but their position is unchallengeable. -Other languages are the qualifications of waiters and commercial -travellers: Greek is to a man of position what the hallmark is to -silver. - -BARBARA. Dolly: don't be insincere. Cholly: fetch your concertina -and play something for us. - -LOMAX [doubtfully to Undershaft] Perhaps that sort of thing isn't -in your line, eh? - -UNDERSHAFT. I am particularly fond of music. - -LOMAX [delighted] Are you? Then I'll get it. [He goes upstairs -for the instrument]. - -UNDERSHAFT. Do you play, Barbara? - -BARBARA. Only the tambourine. But Cholly's teaching me the -concertina. - -UNDERSHAFT. Is Cholly also a member of the Salvation Army? - -BARBARA. No: he says it's bad form to be a dissenter. But I don't -despair of Cholly. I made him come yesterday to a meeting at the -dock gates, and take the collection in his hat. - -LADY BRITOMART. It is not my doing, Andrew. Barbara is old enough -to take her own way. She has no father to advise her. - -BARBARA. Oh yes she has. There are no orphans in the Salvation -Army. - -UNDERSHAFT. Your father there has a great many children and -plenty of experience, eh? - -BARBARA [looking at him with quick interest and nodding] Just so. -How did you come to understand that? [Lomax is heard at the door -trying the concertina]. - -LADY BRITOMART. Come in, Charles. Play us something at once. - -LOMAX. Righto! [He sits down in his former place, and preludes]. - -UNDERSHAFT. One moment, Mr Lomax. I am rather interested in the -Salvation Army. Its motto might be my own: Blood and Fire. - -LOMAX [shocked] But not your sort of blood and fire, you know. - -UNDERSHAFT. My sort of blood cleanses: my sort of fire purifies. - -BARBARA. So do ours. Come down to-morrow to my shelter--the West -Ham shelter--and see what we're doing. We're going to march to a -great meeting in the Assembly Hall at Mile End. Come and see the -shelter and then march with us: it will do you a lot of good. Can -you play anything? - -UNDERSHAFT. In my youth I earned pennies, and even shillings -occasionally, in the streets and in public house parlors by my -natural talent for stepdancing. Later on, I became a member of -the Undershaft orchestral society, and performed passably on the -tenor trombone. - -LOMAX [scandalized] Oh I say! - -BARBARA. Many a sinner has played himself into heaven on the -trombone, thanks to the Army. - -LOMAX [to Barbara, still rather shocked] Yes; but what about the -cannon business, don't you know? [To Undershaft] Getting into -heaven is not exactly in your line, is it? - -LADY BRITOMART. Charles!!! - -LOMAX. Well; but it stands to reason, don't it? The cannon -business may be necessary and all that: we can't get on without -cannons; but it isn't right, you know. On the other hand, there -may be a certain amount of tosh about the Salvation Army--I -belong to the Established Church myself--but still you can't deny -that it's religion; and you can't go against religion, can you? -At least unless you're downright immoral, don't you know. - -UNDERSHAFT. You hardly appreciate my position, Mr Lomax-- - -LOMAX [hastily] I'm not saying anything against you personally, -you know. - -UNDERSHAFT. Quite so, quite so. But consider for a moment. Here I -am, a manufacturer of mutilation and murder. I find myself in a -specially amiable humor just now because, this morning, down at -the foundry, we blew twenty-seven dummy soldiers into fragments -with a gun which formerly destroyed only thirteen. - -LOMAX [leniently] Well, the more destructive war becomes, the -sooner it will be abolished, eh? - -UNDERSHAFT. Not at all. The more destructive war becomes the more -fascinating we find it. No, Mr Lomax, I am obliged to you for -making the usual excuse for my trade; but I am not ashamed of it. -I am not one of those men who keep their morals and their -business in watertight compartments. All the spare money my trade -rivals spend on hospitals, cathedrals and other receptacles for -conscience money, I devote to experiments and researches in -improved methods of destroying life and property. I have always -done so; and I always shall. Therefore your Christmas card -moralities of peace on earth and goodwill among men are of no use -to me. Your Christianity, which enjoins you to resist not evil, -and to turn the other cheek, would make me a bankrupt. My -morality--my religion--must have a place for cannons and -torpedoes in it. - -STEPHEN [coldly--almost sullenly] You speak as if there were half -a dozen moralities and religions to choose from, instead of one -true morality and one true religion. - -UNDERSHAFT. For me there is only one true morality; but it might -not fit you, as you do not manufacture aerial battleships. There -is only one true morality for every man; but every man has not -the same true morality. - -LOMAX [overtaxed] Would you mind saying that again? I didn't -quite follow it. - -CUSINS. It's quite simple. As Euripides says, one man's meat is -another man's poison morally as well as physically. - -UNDERSHAFT. Precisely. - -LOMAX. Oh, that. Yes, yes, yes. True. True. - -STEPHEN. In other words, some men are honest and some are -scoundrels. - -BARBARA. Bosh. There are no scoundrels. - -UNDERSHAFT. Indeed? Are there any good men? - -BARBARA. No. Not one. There are neither good men nor scoundrels: -there are just children of one Father; and the sooner they stop -calling one another names the better. You needn't talk to me: I -know them. I've had scores of them through my hands: scoundrels, -criminals, infidels, philanthropists, missionaries, county -councillors, all sorts. They're all just the same sort of sinner; -and there's the same salvation ready for them all. - -UNDERSHAFT. May I ask have you ever saved a maker of cannons? - -BARBARA. No. Will you let me try? - -UNDERSHAFT. Well, I will make a bargain with you. If I go to see -you to-morrow in your Salvation Shelter, will you come the day -after to see me in my cannon works? - -BARBARA. Take care. It may end in your giving up the cannons for -the sake of the Salvation Army. - -UNDERSHAFT. Are you sure it will not end in your giving up the -Salvation Army for the sake of the cannons? - -BARBARA. I will take my chance of that. - -UNDERSHAFT. And I will take my chance of the other. [They shake -hands on it]. Where is your shelter? - -BARBARA. In West Ham. At the sign of the cross. Ask anybody in -Canning Town. Where are your works? - -UNDERSHAFT. In Perivale St Andrews. At the sign of the sword. Ask -anybody in Europe. - -LOMAX. Hadn't I better play something? - -BARBARA. Yes. Give us Onward, Christian Soldiers. - -LOMAX. Well, that's rather a strong order to begin with, don't -you know. Suppose I sing Thou'rt passing hence, my brother. It's -much the same tune. - -BARBARA. It's too melancholy. You get saved, Cholly; and you'll -pass hence, my brother, without making such a fuss about it. - -LADY BRITOMART. Really, Barbara, you go on as if religion were a -pleasant subject. Do have some sense of propriety. - -UNDERSHAFT. I do not find it an unpleasant subject, my dear. It -is the only one that capable people really care for. - -LADY BRITOMART [looking at her watch] Well, if you are determined -to have it, I insist on having it in a proper and respectable -way. Charles: ring for prayers. [General amazement. Stephen rises -in dismay]. - -LOMAX [rising] Oh I say! - -UNDERSHAFT [rising] I am afraid I must be going. - -LADY BRITOMART. You cannot go now, Andrew: it would be most -improper. Sit down. What will the servants think? - -UNDERSHAFT. My dear: I have conscientious scruples. May I suggest -a compromise? If Barbara will conduct a little service in the -drawingroom, with Mr Lomax as organist, I will attend it -willingly. I will even take part, if a trombone can be procured. - -LADY BRITOMART. Don't mock, Andrew. - -UNDERSHAFT [shocked--to Barbara] You don't think I am mocking, my -love, I hope. - -BARBARA. No, of course not; and it wouldn't matter if you were: -half the Army came to their first meeting for a lark. [Rising] -Come along. Come, Dolly. Come, Cholly. [She goes out with -Undershaft, who opens the door for her. Cusins rises]. - -LADY BRITOMART. I will not be disobeyed by everybody. Adolphus: -sit down. Charles: you may go. You are not fit for prayers: you -cannot keep your countenance. - -LOMAX. Oh I say! [He goes out]. - -LADY BRITOMART [continuing] But you, Adolphus, can behave -yourself if you choose to. I insist on your staying. - -CUSINS. My dear Lady Brit: there are things in the family prayer -book that I couldn't bear to hear you say. - -LADY BRITOMART. What things, pray? - -CUSINS. Well, you would have to say before all the servants that -we have done things we ought not to have done, and left undone -things we ought to have done, and that there is no health in us. -I cannot bear to hear you doing yourself such an unjustice, and -Barbara such an injustice. As for myself, I flatly deny it: I -have done my best. I shouldn't dare to marry Barbara--I couldn't -look you in the face--if it were true. So I must go to the -drawingroom. - -LADY BRITOMART [offended] Well, go. [He starts for the door]. And -remember this, Adolphus [he turns to listen]: I have a very -strong suspicion that you went to the Salvation Army to worship -Barbara and nothing else. And I quite appreciate the very clever -way in which you systematically humbug me. I have found you out. -Take care Barbara doesn't. That's all. - -CUSINS [with unruffled sweetness] Don't tell on me. [He goes -out]. - -LADY BRITOMART. Sarah: if you want to go, go. Anything's better -than to sit there as if you wished you were a thousand miles -away. - -SARAH [languidly] Very well, mamma. [She goes]. - -Lady Britomart, with a sudden flounce, gives way to a little gust -of tears. - -STEPHEN [going to her] Mother: what's the matter? - -LADY BRITOMART [swishing away her tears with her handkerchief] -Nothing. Foolishness. You can go with him, too, if you like, and -leave me with the servants. - -STEPHEN. Oh, you mustn't think that, mother. I--I don't like him. - -LADY BRITOMART. The others do. That is the injustice of a woman's -lot. A woman has to bring up her children; and that means to -restrain them, to deny them things they want, to set them tasks, -to punish them when they do wrong, to do all the unpleasant -things. And then the father, who has nothing to do but pet them -and spoil them, comes in when all her work is done and steals -their affection from her. - -STEPHEN. He has not stolen our affection from you. It is only -curiosity. - -LADY BRITOMART [violently] I won't be consoled, Stephen. There is -nothing the matter with me. [She rises and goes towards the -door]. - -STEPHEN. Where are you going, mother? - -LADY BRITOMART. To the drawingroom, of course. [She goes out. -Onward, Christian Soldiers, on the concertina, with tambourine -accompaniment, is heard when the door opens]. Are you coming, -Stephen? - -STEPHEN. No. Certainly not. [She goes. He sits down on the -settee, with compressed lips and an expression of strong -dislike]. - - - -ACT II - -The yard of the West Ham shelter of the Salvation Army is a cold -place on a January morning. The building itself, an old -warehouse, is newly whitewashed. Its gabled end projects into the -yard in the middle, with a door on the ground floor, and another -in the loft above it without any balcony or ladder, but with a -pulley rigged over it for hoisting sacks. Those who come from -this central gable end into the yard have the gateway leading to -the street on their left, with a stone horse-trough just beyond -it, and, on the right, a penthouse shielding a table from the -weather. There are forms at the table; and on them are seated a -man and a woman, both much down on their luck, finishing a meal -of bread [one thick slice each, with margarine and golden syrup] -and diluted milk. - -The man, a workman out of employment, is young, agile, a talker, -a poser, sharp enough to be capable of anything in reason except -honesty or altruistic considerations of any kind. The woman is a -commonplace old bundle of poverty and hard-worn humanity. She -looks sixty and probably is forty-five. If they were rich people, -gloved and muffed and well wrapped up in furs and overcoats, they -would be numbed and miserable; for it is a grindingly cold, raw, -January day; and a glance at the background of grimy warehouses -and leaden sky visible over the whitewashed walls of the yard -would drive any idle rich person straight to the Mediterranean. -But these two, being no more troubled with visions of the -Mediterranean than of the moon, and being compelled to keep more -of their clothes in the pawnshop, and less on their persons, in -winter than in summer, are not depressed by the cold: rather are -they stung into vivacity, to which their meal has just now given -an almost jolly turn. The man takes a pull at his mug, and then -gets up and moves about the yard with his hands deep in his -pockets, occasionally breaking into a stepdance. - -THE WOMAN. Feel better otter your meal, sir? - -THE MAN. No. Call that a meal! Good enough for you, props; but -wot is it to me, an intelligent workin man. - -THE WOMAN. Workin man! Wot are you? - -THE MAN. Painter. - -THE WOMAN [sceptically] Yus, I dessay. - -THE MAN. Yus, you dessay! I know. Every loafer that can't do -nothink calls isself a painter. Well, I'm a real painter: -grainer, finisher, thirty-eight bob a week when I can get it. - -THE WOMAN. Then why don't you go and get it? - -THE MAN. I'll tell you why. Fust: I'm intelligent--fffff! it's -rotten cold here [he dances a step or two]--yes: intelligent -beyond the station o life into which it has pleased the -capitalists to call me; and they don't like a man that sees -through em. Second, an intelligent bein needs a doo share of -appiness; so I drink somethink cruel when I get the chawnce. -Third, I stand by my class and do as little as I can so's to -leave arf the job for me fellow workers. Fourth, I'm fly enough -to know wots inside the law and wots outside it; and inside it I -do as the capitalists do: pinch wot I can lay me ands on. In a -proper state of society I am sober, industrious and honest: in -Rome, so to speak, I do as the Romans do. Wots the consequence? -When trade is bad--and it's rotten bad just now--and the -employers az to sack arf their men, they generally start on me. - -THE WOMAN. What's your name? - -THE MAN. Price. Bronterre O'Brien Price. Usually called Snobby -Price, for short. - -THE WOMAN. Snobby's a carpenter, ain't it? You said you was a -painter. - -PRICE. Not that kind of snob, but the genteel sort. I'm too -uppish, owing to my intelligence, and my father being a Chartist -and a reading, thinking man: a stationer, too. I'm none of your -common hewers of wood and drawers of water; and don't you forget -it. [He returns to his seat at the table, and takes up his mug]. -Wots YOUR name? - -THE WOMAN. Rummy Mitchens, sir. - -PRICE [quaffing the remains of his milk to her] Your elth, Miss -Mitchens. - -RUMMY [correcting him] Missis Mitchens. - -PRICE. Wot! Oh Rummy, Rummy! Respectable married woman, Rummy, -gittin rescued by the Salvation Army by pretendin to be a bad un. -Same old game! - -RUMMY. What am I to do? I can't starve. Them Salvation lasses is -dear good girls; but the better you are, the worse they likes to -think you were before they rescued you. Why shouldn't they av a -bit o credit, poor loves? They're worn to rags by their work. And -where would they get the money to rescue us if we was to let on -we're no worse than other people? You know what ladies and -gentlemen are. - -PRICE. Thievin swine! Wish I ad their job, Rummy, all the same. -Wot does Rummy stand for? Pet name props? - -RUMMY. Short for Romola. - -PRICE. For wot!? - -RUMMY. Romola. It was out of a new book. Somebody me mother -wanted me to grow up like. - -PRICE. We're companions in misfortune, Rummy. Both on us got -names that nobody cawnt pronounce. Consequently I'm Snobby and -you're Rummy because Bill and Sally wasn't good enough for our -parents. Such is life! - -RUMMY. Who saved you, Mr. Price? Was it Major Barbara? - -PRICE. No: I come here on my own. I'm goin to be Bronterre -O'Brien Price, the converted painter. I know wot they like. I'll -tell em how I blasphemed and gambled and wopped my poor old -mother-- - -RUMMY [shocked] Used you to beat your mother? - -PRICE. Not likely. She used to beat me. No matter: you come and -listen to the converted painter, and you'll hear how she was a -pious woman that taught me me prayers at er knee, an how I used -to come home drunk and drag her out o bed be er snow white airs, -an lam into er with the poker. - -RUMMY. That's what's so unfair to us women. Your confessions is -just as big lies as ours: you don't tell what you really done no -more than us; but you men can tell your lies right out at the -meetins and be made much of for it; while the sort o confessions -we az to make az to be wispered to one lady at a time. It ain't -right, spite of all their piety. - -PRICE. Right! Do you spose the Army'd be allowed if it went and -did right? Not much. It combs our air and makes us good little -blokes to be robbed and put upon. But I'll play the game as good -as any of em. I'll see somebody struck by lightnin, or hear a -voice sayin "Snobby Price: where will you spend eternity?" I'll -ave a time of it, I tell you. - -RUMMY. You won't be let drink, though. - -PRICE. I'll take it out in gorspellin, then. I don't want to -drink if I can get fun enough any other way. - -Jenny Hill, a pale, overwrought, pretty Salvation lass of 18, -comes in through the yard gate, leading Peter Shirley, a half -hardened, half worn-out elderly man, weak with hunger. - -JENNY [supporting him] Come! pluck up. I'll get you something to -eat. You'll be all right then. - -PRICE [rising and hurrying officiously to take the old man off -Jenny's hands] Poor old man! Cheer up, brother: you'll find rest -and peace and appiness ere. Hurry up with the food, miss: e's -fair done. [Jenny hurries into the shelter]. Ere, buck up, daddy! -She's fetchin y'a thick slice o breadn treacle, an a mug o -skyblue. [He seats him at the corner of the table]. - -RUMMY [gaily] Keep up your old art! Never say die! - -SHIRLEY. I'm not an old man. I'm ony 46. I'm as good as ever I -was. The grey patch come in my hair before I was thirty. All it -wants is three pennorth o hair dye: am I to be turned on the -streets to starve for it? Holy God! I've worked ten to twelve -hours a day since I was thirteen, and paid my way all through; -and now am I to be thrown into the gutter and my job given to a -young man that can do it no better than me because I've black -hair that goes white at the first change? - -PRICE [cheerfully] No good jawrin about it. You're ony a -jumped-up, jerked-off, orspittle-turned-out incurable of an ole -workin man: who cares about you? Eh? Make the thievin swine give -you a meal: they've stole many a one from you. Get a bit o your -own back. [Jenny returns with the usual meal]. There you are, -brother. Awsk a blessin an tuck that into you. - -SHIRLEY [looking at it ravenously but not touching it, and crying -like a child] I never took anything before. - -JENNY [petting him] Come, come! the Lord sends it to you: he -wasn't above taking bread from his friends; and why should you -be? Besides, when we find you a job you can pay us for it if you -like. - -SHIRLEY [eagerly] Yes, yes: that's true. I can pay you back: it's -only a loan. [Shivering] Oh Lord! oh Lord! [He turns to the table -and attacks the meal ravenously]. - -JENNY. Well, Rummy, are you more comfortable now? - -RUMMY. God bless you, lovey! You've fed my body and saved my -soul, haven't you? [Jenny, touched, kisses her] Sit down and rest -a bit: you must be ready to drop. - -JENNY. I've been going hard since morning. But there's more work -than we can do. I mustn't stop. - -RUMMY. Try a prayer for just two minutes. You'll work all the -better after. - -JENNY [her eyes lighting up] Oh isn't it wonderful how a few -minutes prayer revives you! I was quite lightheaded at twelve -o'clock, I was so tired; but Major Barbara just sent me to pray -for five minutes; and I was able to go on as if I had only just -begun. [To Price] Did you have a piece of bread? - -PAIGE [with unction] Yes, miss; but I've got the piece that I -value more; and that's the peace that passeth hall hannerstennin. - -RUMMY [fervently] Glory Hallelujah! - -Bill Walker, a rough customer of about 25, appears at the yard -gate and looks malevolently at Jenny. - -JENNY. That makes me so happy. When you say that, I feel wicked -for loitering here. I must get to work again. - -She is hurrying to the shelter, when the new-comer moves quickly -up to the door and intercepts her. His manner is so threatening -that she retreats as he comes at her truculently, driving her -down the yard. - -BILL. I know you. You're the one that took away my girl. You're -the one that set er agen me. Well, I'm goin to av er out. Not -that I care a curse for her or you: see? But I'll let er know; -and I'll let you know. I'm goin to give er a doin that'll teach -er to cut away from me. Now in with you and tell er to come out -afore I come in and kick er out. Tell er Bill Walker wants er. -She'll know what that means; and if she keeps me waitin it'll be -worse. You stop to jaw back at me; and I'll start on you: d'ye -hear? There's your way. In you go. [He takes her by the arm and -slings her towards the door of the shelter. She falls on her hand -and knee. Rummy helps her up again]. - -PRICE [rising, and venturing irresolutely towards Bill]. Easy -there, mate. She ain't doin you no arm. - -BILL. Who are you callin mate? [Standing over him threateningly]. -You're goin to stand up for her, are you? Put up your ands. - -RUMMY [running indignantly to him to scold him]. Oh, you great -brute-- [He instantly swings his left hand back against her -face. She screams and reels back to the trough, where she -sits down, covering her bruised face with her hands and rocking -and moaning with pain]. - -JENNY [going to her]. Oh God forgive you! How could you strike an -old woman like that? - -BILL [seizing her by the hair so violently that she also screams, -and tearing her away from the old woman]. You Gawd forgive me -again and I'll Gawd forgive you one on the jaw that'll stop you -prayin for a week. [Holding her and turning fiercely on Price]. -Av you anything to say agen it? Eh? - -PRICE [intimidated]. No, matey: she ain't anything to do with me. - -BILL. Good job for you! I'd put two meals into you and fight you -with one finger after, you starved cur. [To Jenny] Now are you -goin to fetch out Mog Habbijam; or am I to knock your face off -you and fetch her myself? - -JENNY [writhing in his grasp] Oh please someone go in and tell -Major Barbara--[she screams again as he wrenches her head down; -and Price and Rummy, flee into the shelter]. - -BILL. You want to go in and tell your Major of me, do you? - -JENNY. Oh please don't drag my hair. Let me go. - -BILL. Do you or don't you? [She stifles a scream]. Yes or no. - -JENNY. God give me strength-- - -BILL [striking her with his fist in the face] Go and show her -that, and tell her if she wants one like it to come and interfere -with me. [Jenny, crying with pain, goes into the shed. He goes to -the form and addresses the old man]. Here: finish your mess; and -get out o my way. - -SHIRLEY [springing up and facing him fiercely, with the mug in -his hand] You take a liberty with me, and I'll smash you over the -face with the mug and cut your eye out. Ain't you satisfied-- -young whelps like you--with takin the bread out o the mouths of -your elders that have brought you up and slaved for you, but you -must come shovin and cheekin and bullyin in here, where the bread -o charity is sickenin in our stummicks? - -BILL [contemptuously, but backing a little] Wot good are you, you -old palsy mug? Wot good are you? - -SHIRLEY. As good as you and better. I'll do a day's work agen you -or any fat young soaker of your age. Go and take my job at -Horrockses, where I worked for ten year. They want young men -there: they can't afford to keep men over forty-five. They're -very sorry--give you a character and happy to help you to get -anything suited to your years--sure a steady man won't be long -out of a job. Well, let em try you. They'll find the differ. What -do you know? Not as much as how to beeyave yourself--layin your -dirty fist across the mouth of a respectable woman! - -BILL. Don't provoke me to lay it acrost yours: d'ye hear? - -SHIRLEY [with blighting contempt] Yes: you like an old man to -hit, don't you, when you've finished with the women. I ain't seen -you hit a young one yet. - -BILL [stung] You lie, you old soupkitchener, you. There was a -young man here. Did I offer to hit him or did I not? - -SHIRLEY. Was he starvin or was he not? Was he a man or only a -crosseyed thief an a loafer? Would you hit my son-in-law's -brother? - -BILL. Who's he? - -SHIRLEY. Todger Fairmile o Balls Pond. Him that won 20 pounds off -the Japanese wrastler at the music hall by standin out 17 minutes -4 seconds agen him. - -BILL [sullenly] I'm no music hall wrastler. Can he box? - -SHIRLEY. Yes: an you can't. - -BILL. Wot! I can't, can't I? Wot's that you say [threatening -him]? - -SHIRLEY [not budging an inch] Will you box Todger Fairmile if I -put him on to you? Say the word. - -BILL. [subsiding with a slouch] I'll stand up to any man alive, -if he was ten Todger Fairmiles. But I don't set up to be a -perfessional. - -SHIRLEY [looking down on him with unfathomable disdain] YOU box! -Slap an old woman with the back o your hand! You hadn't even the -sense to hit her where a magistrate couldn't see the mark of it, -you silly young lump of conceit and ignorance. Hit a girl in the -jaw and ony make her cry! If Todger Fairmile'd done it, she -wouldn't a got up inside o ten minutes, no more than you would if -he got on to you. Yah! I'd set about you myself if I had a week's -feedin in me instead o two months starvation. [He returns to the -table to finish his meal]. - -BILL [following him and stooping over him to drive the taunt in] -You lie! you have the bread and treacle in you that you come here -to beg. - -SHIRLEY [bursting into tears] Oh God! it's true: I'm only an old -pauper on the scrap heap. [Furiously] But you'll come to it -yourself; and then you'll know. You'll come to it sooner than a -teetotaller like me, fillin yourself with gin at this hour o the -mornin! - -BILL. I'm no gin drinker, you old liar; but when I want to give -my girl a bloomin good idin I like to av a bit o devil in me: -see? An here I am, talkin to a rotten old blighter like you sted -o givin her wot for. [Working himself into a rage] I'm goin in -there to fetch her out. [He makes vengefully for the shelter -door]. - -SHIRLEY. You're goin to the station on a stretcher, more likely; -and they'll take the gin and the devil out of you there when they -get you inside. You mind what you're about: the major here is the -Earl o Stevenage's granddaughter. - -BILL [checked] Garn! - -SHIRLEY. You'll see. - -BILL [his resolution oozing] Well, I ain't done nothin to er. - -SHIRLEY. Spose she said you did! who'd believe you? - -BILL [very uneasy, skulking back to the corner of the penthouse] -Gawd! There's no jastice in this country. To think wot them -people can do! I'm as good as er. - -SHIRLEY. Tell her so. It's just what a fool like you would do. - -Barbara, brisk and businesslike, comes from the shelter with a -note book, and addresses herself to Shirley. Bill, cowed, sits -down in the corner on a form, and turns his back on them. - -BARBARA. Good morning. - -SHIRLEY [standing up and taking off his hat] Good morning, miss. - -BARBARA. Sit down: make yourself at home. [He hesitates; but she -puts a friendly hand on his shoulder and makes him obey]. Now -then! since you've made friends with us, we want to know all -about you. Names and addresses and trades. - -SHIRLEY. Peter Shirley. Fitter. Chucked out two months ago -because I was too old. - -BARBARA [not at all surprised] You'd pass still. Why didn't you -dye your hair? - -SHIRLEY. I did. Me age come out at a coroner's inquest on me -daughter. - -BARBARA. Steady? - -SHIRLEY. Teetotaller. Never out of a job before. Good worker. And -sent to the knockers like an old horse! - -BARBARA. No matter: if you did your part God will do his. - -SHIRLEY [suddenly stubborn] My religion's no concern of anybody -but myself. - -BARBARA [guessing] I know. Secularist? - -SHIRLEY [hotly] Did I offer to deny it? - -BARBARA. Why should you? My own father's a Secularist, I think. -Our Father--yours and mine--fulfils himself in many ways; and I -daresay he knew what he was about when he made a Secularist of -you. So buck up, Peter! we can always find a job for a steady man -like you. [Shirley, disarmed, touches his hat. She turns from him -to Bill]. What's your name? - -BILL [insolently] Wot's that to you? - -BARBARA [calmly making a note] Afraid to give his name. Any -trade? - -BILL. Who's afraid to give his name? [Doggedly, with a sense of -heroically defying the House of Lords in the person of Lord -Stevenage] If you want to bring a charge agen me, bring it. [She -waits, unruffled]. My name's Bill Walker. - -BARBARA [as if the name were familiar: trying to remember how] -Bill Walker? [Recollecting] Oh, I know: you're the man that Jenny -Hill was praying for inside just now. [She enters his name in her -note book]. - -BILL. Who's Jenny Hill? And what call has she to pray for me? - -BARBARA. I don't know. Perhaps it was you that cut her lip. - -BILL [defiantly] Yes, it was me that cut her lip. I ain't afraid -o you. - -BARBARA. How could you be, since you're not afraid of God? You're -a brave man, Mr. Walker. It takes some pluck to do our work here; -but none of us dare lift our hand against a girl like that, for -fear of her father in heaven. - -BILL [sullenly] I want none o your cantin jaw. I suppose you -think I come here to beg from you, like this damaged lot here. -Not me. I don't want your bread and scrape and catlap. I don't -believe in your Gawd, no more than you do yourself. - -BARBARA [sunnily apologetic and ladylike, as on a new footing -with him] Oh, I beg your pardon for putting your name down, Mr. -Walker. I didn't understand. I'll strike it out. - -BILL [taking this as a slight, and deeply wounded by it] Eah! you -let my name alone. Ain't it good enough to be in your book? - -BARBARA [considering] Well, you see, there's no use putting down -your name unless I can do something for you, is there? What's -your trade? - -BILL [still smarting] That's no concern o yours. - -BARBARA. Just so. [very businesslike] I'll put you down as -[writing] the man who--struck--poor little Jenny Hill--in the -mouth. - -BILL [rising threateningly] See here. I've ad enough o this. - -BARBARA [quite sunny and fearless] What did you come to us for? - -BILL. I come for my girl, see? I come to take her out o this and -to break er jaws for her. - -BARBARA [complacently] You see I was right about your trade. -[Bill, on the point of retorting furiously, finds himself, to his -great shame and terror, in danger of crying instead. He sits down -again suddenly]. What's her name? - -BILL [dogged] Er name's Mog Abbijam: thats wot her name is. - -BARBARA. Oh, she's gone to Canning Town, to our barracks there. - -BILL [fortified by his resentment of Mog's perfidy] is she? -[Vindictively] Then I'm goin to Kennintahn arter her. [He crosses -to the gate; hesitates; finally comes back at Barbara]. Are you -lyin to me to get shut o me? - -BARBARA. I don't want to get shut of you. I want to keep you here -and save your soul. You'd better stay: you're going to have a bad -time today, Bill. - -BILL. Who's goin to give it to me? You, props. - -BARBARA. Someone you don't believe in. But you'll be glad -afterwards. - -BILL [slinking off] I'll go to Kennintahn to be out o the reach o -your tongue. [Suddenly turning on her with intense malice] And if -I don't find Mog there, I'll come back and do two years for you, -selp me Gawd if I don't! - -BARBARA [a shade kindlier, if possible] It's no use, Bill. She's -got another bloke. - -BILL. Wot! - -BARBARA. One of her own converts. He fell in love with her when -he saw her with her soul saved, and her face clean, and her hair -washed. - -BILL [surprised] Wottud she wash it for, the carroty slut? It's -red. - -BARBARA. It's quite lovely now, because she wears a new look in -her eyes with it. It's a pity you're too late. The new bloke has -put your nose out of joint, Bill. - -BILL. I'll put his nose out o joint for him. Not that I care a -curse for her, mind that. But I'll teach her to drop me as if I -was dirt. And I'll teach him to meddle with my Judy. Wots iz -bleedin name? - -BARBARA. Sergeant Todger Fairmile. - -SHIRLEY [rising with grim joy] I'll go with him, miss. I want to -see them two meet. I'll take him to the infirmary when it's over. - -BILL [to Shirley, with undissembled misgiving] Is that im you was -speakin on? - -SHIRLEY. That's him. - -BILL. Im that wrastled in the music all? - -SHIRLEY. The competitions at the National Sportin Club was worth -nigh a hundred a year to him. He's gev em up now for religion; so -he's a bit fresh for want of the exercise he was accustomed to. -He'll be glad to see you. Come along. - -BILL. Wots is weight? - -SHIRLEY. Thirteen four. [Bill's last hope expires]. - -BARBARA. Go and talk to him, Bill. He'll convert you. - -SHIRLEY. He'll convert your head into a mashed potato. - -BILL [sullenly] I ain't afraid of him. I ain't afraid of -ennybody. But he can lick me. She's done me. [He sits down -moodily on the edge of the horse trough]. - -SHIRLEY. You ain't goin. I thought not. [He resumes his seat]. - -BARBARA [calling] Jenny! - -JENNY [appearing at the shelter door with a plaster on the corner -of her mouth] Yes, Major. - -BARBARA. Send Rummy Mitchens out to clear away here. - -JENNY. I think she's afraid. - -BARBARA [her resemblance to her mother flashing out for a moment] -Nonsense! she must do as she's told. - -JENNY [calling into the shelter] Rummy: the Major says you must -come. - -Jenny comes to Barbara, purposely keeping on the side next Bill, -lest he should suppose that she shrank from him or bore malice. - -BARBARA. Poor little Jenny! Are you tired? [Looking at the -wounded cheek] Does it hurt? - -JENNY. No: it's all right now. It was nothing. - -BARBARA [critically] It was as hard as he could hit, I expect. -Poor Bill! You don't feel angry with him, do you? - -JENNY. Oh no, no, no: indeed I don't, Major, bless his poor -heart! [Barbara kisses her; and she runs away merrily into the -shelter. Bill writhes with an agonizing return of his new and -alarming symptoms, but says nothing. Rummy Mitchens comes from -the shelter]. - -BARBARA [going to meet Rummy] Now Rummy, bustle. Take in those -mugs and plates to be washed; and throw the crumbs about for the -birds. - -Rummy takes the three plates and mugs; but Shirley takes back his -mug from her, as there it still come milk left in it. - -RUMMY. There ain't any crumbs. This ain't a time to waste good -bread on birds. - -PRICE [appearing at the shelter door] Gentleman come to see the -shelter, Major. Says he's your father. - -BARBARA. All right. Coming. [Snobby goes back into the shelter, -followed by Barbara]. - -RUMMY [stealing across to Bill and addressing him in a subdued -voice, but with intense conviction] I'd av the lor of you, you -flat eared pignosed potwalloper, if she'd let me. You're no -gentleman, to hit a lady in the face. [Bill, with greater things -moving in him, takes no notice]. - -SHIRLEY [following her] Here! in with you and don't get yourself -into more trouble by talking. - -RUMMY [with hauteur] I ain't ad the pleasure o being hintroduced -to you, as I can remember. [She goes into the shelter with the -plates]. - -BILL [savagely] Don't you talk to me, d'ye hear. You lea me -alone, or I'll do you a mischief. I'm not dirt under your feet, -anyway. - -SHIRLEY [calmly] Don't you be afeerd. You ain't such prime -company that you need expect to be sought after. [He is about to -go into the shelter when Barbara comes out, with Undershaft on -her right]. - -BARBARA. Oh there you are, Mr Shirley! [Between them] This is my -father: I told you he was a Secularist, didn't I? Perhaps you'll -be able to comfort one another. - -UNDERSHAFT [startled] A Secularist! Not the least in the world: -on the contrary, a confirmed mystic. - -BARBARA. Sorry, I'm sure. By the way, papa, what is your -religion--in case I have to introduce you again? - -UNDERSHAFT. My religion? Well, my dear, I am a Millionaire. That -is my religion. - -BARBARA. Then I'm afraid you and Mr Shirley wont be able to -comfort one another after all. You're not a Millionaire, are you, -Peter? - -SHIRLEY. No; and proud of it. - -UNDERSHAFT [gravely] Poverty, my friend, is not a thing to be -proud of. - -SHIRLEY [angrily] Who made your millions for you? Me and my like. -What's kep us poor? Keepin you rich. I wouldn't have your -conscience, not for all your income. - -UNDERSHAFT. I wouldn't have your income, not for all your -conscience, Mr Shirley. [He goes to the penthouse and sits down -on a form]. - -BARBARA [stopping Shirley adroitly as he is about to retort] You -wouldn't think he was my father, would you, Peter? Will you go -into the shelter and lend the lasses a hand for a while: we're -worked off our feet. - -SHIRLEY [bitterly] Yes: I'm in their debt for a meal, ain't I? - -BARBARA. Oh, not because you're in their debt; but for love of -them, Peter, for love of them. [He cannot understand, and is -rather scandalized]. There! Don't stare at me. In with you; and -give that conscience of yours a holiday [bustling him into the -shelter]. - -SHIRLEY [as he goes in] Ah! it's a pity you never was trained to -use your reason, miss. You'd have been a very taking lecturer on -Secularism. - -Barbara turns to her father. - -UNDERSHAFT. Never mind me, my dear. Go about your work; and let -me watch it for a while. - -BARBARA. All right. - -UNDERSHAFT. For instance, what's the matter with that out-patient -over there? - -BARBARA [looking at Bill, whose attitude has never changed, and -whose expression of brooding wrath has deepened] Oh, we shall -cure him in no time. Just watch. [She goes over to Bill and -waits. He glances up at her and casts his eyes down again, -uneasy, but grimmer than ever]. It would be nice to just stamp on -Mog Habbijam's face, wouldn't it, Bill? - -BILL [starting up from the trough in consternation] It's a lie: I -never said so. [She shakes her head]. Who told you wot was in my -mind? - -BARBARA. Only your new friend. - -BILL. Wot new friend? - -BARBARA. The devil, Bill. When he gets round people they get -miserable, just like you. - -HILL [with a heartbreaking attempt at devil-may-care -cheerfulness] I ain't miserable. [He sits down again, and -stretches his legs in an attempt to seem indifferent]. - -BARBARA. Well, if you're happy, why don't you look happy, as we -do? - -BILL [his legs curling back in spite of him] I'm appy enough, I -tell you. Why don't you lea me alown? Wot av I done to you? I -ain't smashed your face, av I? - -BARBARA [softly: wooing his soul] It's not me that's getting at -you, Bill. - -BILL. Who else is it? - -BARBARA. Somebody that doesn't intend you to smash women's faces, -I suppose. Somebody or something that wants to make a man of you. - -BILL [blustering] Make a man o ME! Ain't I a man? eh? ain't I a -man? Who sez I'm not a man? - -BARBARA. There's a man in you somewhere, I suppose. But why did -he let you hit poor little Jenny Hill? That wasn't very manly of -him, was it? - -BILL [tormented] Av done with it, I tell you. Chock it. I'm sick -of your Jenny Ill and er silly little face. - -BARBARA. Then why do you keep thinking about it? Why does it keep -coming up against you in your mind? You're not getting converted, -are you? - -BILL [with conviction] Not ME. Not likely. Not arf. - -BARBARA. That's right, Bill. Hold out against it. Put out your -strength. Don't let's get you cheap. Todger Fairmile said he -wrestled for three nights against his Salvation harder than he -ever wrestled with the Jap at the music hall. He gave in to the -Jap when his arm was going to break. But he didn't give in to his -salvation until his heart was going to break. Perhaps you'll -escape that. You haven't any heart, have you? - -BILL. Wot dye mean? Wy ain't I got a art the same as ennybody -else? - -BARBARA. A man with a heart wouldn't have bashed poor little -Jenny's face, would he? - -BILL [almost crying] Ow, will you lea me alown? Av I ever offered -to meddle with you, that you come noggin and provowkin me lawk -this? [He writhes convulsively from his eyes to his toes]. - -BARBARA [with a steady soothing hand on his arm and a gentle -voice that never lets him go] It's your soul that's hurting you, -Bill, and not me. We've been through it all ourselves. Come with -us, Bill. [He looks wildly round]. To brave manhood on earth and -eternal glory in heaven. [He is on the point of breaking down]. -Come. [A drum is heard in the shelter; and Bill, with a gasp, -escapes from the spell as Barbara turns quickly. Adolphus enters -from the shelter with a big drum]. Oh! there you are, Dolly. Let -me introduce a new friend of mine, Mr Bill Walker. This is my -bloke, Bill: Mr Cusins. [Cusins salutes with his drumstick]. - -BILL. Goin to marry im? - -BARBARA. Yes. - -BILL [fervently] Gawd elp im! Gawd elp im! - -BARBARA. Why? Do you think he won't be happy with me? - -BILL. I've only ad to stand it for a mornin: e'll av to stand it -for a lifetime. - -CUSINS. That is a frightful reflection, Mr Walker. But I can't -tear myself away from her. - -BILL. Well, I can. [To Barbara] Eah! do you know where I'm goin -to, and wot I'm goin to do? - -BARBARA. Yes: you're going to heaven; and you're coming back here -before the week's out to tell me so. - -BILL. You lie. I'm goin to Kennintahn, to spit in Todger -Fairmile's eye. I bashed Jenny Ill's face; and now I'll get me -own face bashed and come back and show it to er. E'll it me -ardern I it er. That'll make us square. [To Adolphus] Is that -fair or is it not? You're a genlmn: you oughter know. - -BARBARA. Two black eyes wont make one white one, Bill. - -BILL. I didn't ast you. Cawn't you never keep your mahth shut? I -ast the genlmn. - -CUSINS [reflectively] Yes: I think you're right, Mr Walker. Yes: -I should do it. It's curious: it's exactly what an ancient Greek -would have done. - -BARBARA. But what good will it do? - -CUSINS. Well, it will give Mr Fairmile some exercise; and it will -satisfy Mr Walker's soul. - -BILL. Rot! there ain't no sach a thing as a soul. Ah kin you tell -wether I've a soul or not? You never seen it. - -BARBARA. I've seen it hurting you when you went against it. - -BILL [with compressed aggravation] If you was my girl and took -the word out o me mahth lawk thet, I'd give you suthink you'd -feel urtin, so I would. [To Adolphus] You take my tip, mate. Stop -er jawr; or you'll die afore your time. [With intense expression] -Wore aht: thets wot you'll be: wore aht. [He goes away through -the gate]. - -CUSINS [looking after him] I wonder! - -BARBARA. Dolly! [indignant, in her mother's manner]. - -CUSINS. Yes, my dear, it's very wearing to be in love with you. -If it lasts, I quite think I shall die young. - -BARBARA. Should you mind? - -CUSINS. Not at all. [He is suddenly softened, and kisses her over -the drum, evidently not for the first time, as people cannot kiss -over a big drum without practice. Undershaft coughs]. - -BARBARA. It's all right, papa, we've not forgotten you. Dolly: -explain the place to papa: I haven't time. [She goes busily into -the shelter]. - -Undershaft and Adolpbus now have the yard to themselves. -Undershaft, seated on a form, and still keenly attentive, looks -hard at Adolphus. Adolphus looks hard at him. - -UNDERSHAFT. I fancy you guess something of what is in my mind, Mr -Cusins. [Cusins flourishes his drumsticks as if in the art of -beating a lively rataplan, but makes no sound]. Exactly so. But -suppose Barbara finds you out! - -CUSINS. You know, I do not admit that I am imposing on Barbara. I -am quite genuinely interested in the views of the Salvation Army. -The fact is, I am a sort of collector of religions; and the -curious thing is that I find I can believe them all. By the way, -have you any religion? - -UNDERSHAFT. Yes. - -CUSINS. Anything out of the common? - -UNDERSHAFT. Only that there are two things necessary to -Salvation. - -CUSINS [disappointed, but polite] Ah, the Church Catechism. -Charles Lomax also belongs to the Established Church. - -UNDERSHAFT. The two things are-- - -CUSINS. Baptism and-- - -UNDERSHAFT. No. Money and gunpowder. - -CUSINS [surprised, but interested] That is the general opinion of -our governing classes. The novelty is in hearing any man confess -it. - -UNDERSHAFT. Just so. - -CUSINS. Excuse me: is there any place in your religion for honor, -justice, truth, love, mercy and so forth? - -UNDERSHAFT. Yes: they are the graces and luxuries of a rich, -strong, and safe life. - -CUSINS. Suppose one is forced to choose between them and money or -gunpowder? - -UNDERSHAFT. Choose money and gunpowder; for without enough of -both you cannot afford the others. - -CUSINS. That is your religion? - -UNDERSHAFT. Yes. - -The cadence of this reply makes a full close in the conversation. -Cusins twists his face dubiously and contemplates Undershaft. -Undershaft contemplates him. - -CUSINS. Barbara won't stand that. You will have to choose between -your religion and Barbara. - -UNDERSHAFT. So will you, my friend. She will find out that that -drum of yours is hollow. - -CUSINS. Father Undershaft: you are mistaken: I am a sincere -Salvationist. You do not understand the Salvation Army. It is the -army of joy, of love, of courage: it has banished the fear and -remorse and despair of the old hellridden evangelical sects: it -marches to fight the devil with trumpet and drum, with music and -dancing, with banner and palm, as becomes a sally from heaven by -its happy garrison. It picks the waster out of the public house -and makes a man of him: it finds a worm wriggling in a back -kitchen, and lo! a woman! Men and women of rank too, sons and -daughters of the Highest. It takes the poor professor of Greek, -the most artificial and self-suppressed of human creatures, from -his meal of roots, and lets loose the rhapsodist in him; reveals -the true worship of Dionysos to him; sends him down the public -street drumming dithyrambs [he plays a thundering flourish on the -drum]. - -UNDERSHAFT. You will alarm the shelter. - -CUSINS. Oh, they are accustomed to these sudden ecstasies of -piety. However, if the drum worries you-- [he pockets the -drumsticks; unhooks the drum; and stands it on the ground -opposite the gateway]. - -UNDERSHAFT. Thank you. - -CUSINS. You remember what Euripides says about your money and -gunpowder? - -UNDERSHAFT. No. - -CUSINS [declaiming] - - One and another -In money and guns may outpass his brother; -And men in their millions float and flow -And seethe with a million hopes as leaven; -And they win their will; or they miss their will; -And their hopes are dead or are pined for still: - But whoe'er can know - As the long days go -That to live is happy, has found his heaven. - -My translation: what do you think of it? - -UNDERSHAFT. I think, my friend, that if you wish to know, -as the long days go, that to live is happy, you must first -acquire money enough for a decent life, and power enough to be -your own master. - -CUSINS. You are damnably discouraging. [He resumes his -declamation]. - - Is it so hard a thing to see - That the spirit of God--whate'er it be-- -The Law that abides and changes not, ages long, -The Eternal and Nature-born: these things be strong. -What else is Wisdom? What of Man's endeavor, -Or God's high grace so lovely and so great? -To stand from fear set free? to breathe and wait? -To hold a hand uplifted over Fate? -And shall not Barbara be loved for ever? - -UNDERSHAFT. Euripides mentions Barbara, does he? - -CUSINS. It is a fair translation. The word means Loveliness. - -UNDERSHAFT. May I ask--as Barbara's father--how much a year she -is to be loved for ever on? - -CUSINS. As Barbara's father, that is more your affair than mine. -I can feed her by teaching Greek: that is about all. - -UNDERSHAFT. Do you consider it a good match for her? - -CUSINS [with polite obstinacy] Mr Undershaft: I am in many ways a -weak, timid, ineffectual person; and my health is far from -satisfactory. But whenever I feel that I must have anything, I -get it, sooner or later. I feel that way about Barbara. I don't -like marriage: I feel intensely afraid of it; and I don't know -what I shall do with Barbara or what she will do with me. But I -feel that I and nobody else must marry her. Please regard that as -settled.--Not that I wish to be arbitrary; but why should I waste -your time in discussing what is inevitable? - -UNDERSHAFT. You mean that you will stick at nothing not even the -conversion of the Salvation Army to the worship of Dionysos. - -CUSINS. The business of the Salvation Army is to save, not to -wrangle about the name of the pathfinder. Dionysos or another: -what does it matter? - -UNDERSHAFT [rising and approaching him] Professor Cusins you are -a young man after my own heart. - -CUSINS. Mr Undershaft: you are, as far as I am able to gather, a -most infernal old rascal; but you appeal very strongly to my -sense of ironic humor. - -Undershaft mutely offers his hand. They shake. - -UNDERSHAFT [suddenly concentrating himself] And now to business. - -CUSINS. Pardon me. We were discussing religion. Why go back to -such an uninteresting and unimportant subject as business? - -UNDERSHAFT. Religion is our business at present, because it is -through religion alone that we can win Barbara. - -CUSINS. Have you, too, fallen in love with Barbara? - -UNDERSHAFT. Yes, with a father's love. - -CUSINS. A father's love for a grown-up daughter is the most -dangerous of all infatuations. I apologize for mentioning my own -pale, coy, mistrustful fancy in the same breath with it. - -UNDERSHAFT. Keep to the point. We have to win her; and we are -neither of us Methodists. - -CUSINS. That doesn't matter. The power Barbara wields here--the -power that wields Barbara herself--is not Calvinism, not -Presbyterianism, not Methodism-- - -UNDERSHAFT. Not Greek Paganism either, eh? - -CUSINS. I admit that. Barbara is quite original in her religion. - -UNDERSHAFT [triumphantly] Aha! Barbara Undershaft would be. Her -inspiration comes from within herself. - -CUSINS. How do you suppose it got there? - -UNDERSHAFT [in towering excitement] It is the Undershaft -inheritance. I shall hand on my torch to my daughter. She shall -make my converts and preach my gospel - -CUSINS. What! Money and gunpowder! - -UNDERSHAFT. Yes, money and gunpowder; freedom and power; command -of life and command of death. - -CUSINS [urbanely: trying to bring him down to earth] This is -extremely interesting, Mr Undershaft. Of course you know that you -are mad. - -UNDERSHAFT [with redoubled force] And you? - -CUSINS. Oh, mad as a hatter. You are welcome to my secret since I -have discovered yours. But I am astonished. Can a madman make -cannons? - -UNDERSHAFT. Would anyone else than a madman make them? And now -[with surging energy] question for question. Can a sane man -translate Euripides? - -CUSINS. No. - -UNDERSHAFT [reining him by the shoulder] Can a sane woman make a -man of a waster or a woman of a worm? - -CUSINS [reeling before the storm] Father Colossus--Mammoth -Millionaire-- - -UNDERSHAFT [pressing him] Are there two mad people or three in -this Salvation shelter to-day? - -CUSINS. You mean Barbara is as mad as we are! - -UNDERSHAFT [pushing him lightly off and resuming his equanimity -suddenly and completely] Pooh, Professor! let us call things by -their proper names. I am a millionaire; you are a poet; Barbara -is a savior of souls. What have we three to do with the common -mob of slaves and idolaters? [He sits down again with a shrug of -contempt for the mob]. - -CUSINS. Take care! Barbara is in love with the common people. So -am I. Have you never felt the romance of that love? - -UNDERSHAFT [cold and sardonic] Have you ever been in love with -Poverty, like St Francis? Have you ever been in love with Dirt, -like St Simeon? Have you ever been in love with disease and -suffering, like our nurses and philanthropists? Such passions are -not virtues, but the most unnatural of all the vices. This love -of the common people may please an earl's granddaughter and a -university professor; but I have been a common man and a poor -man; and it has no romance for me. Leave it to the poor to -pretend that poverty is a blessing: leave it to the coward to -make a religion of his cowardice by preaching humility: we know -better than that. We three must stand together above the common -people: how else can we help their children to climb up beside -us? Barbara must belong to us, not to the Salvation Army. - -CUSINS. Well, I can only say that if you think you will get her -away from the Salvation Army by talking to her as you have been -talking to me, you don't know Barbara. - -UNDERSHAFT. My friend: I never ask for what I can buy. - -CUSINS [in a white fury] Do I understand you to imply that you -can buy Barbara? - -UNDERSHAFT. No; but I can buy the Salvation Army. - -CUSINS. Quite impossible. - -UNDERSHAFT. You shall see. All religious organizations exist by -selling themselves to the rich. - -CUSINS. Not the Army. That is the Church of the poor. - -UNDERSHAFT. All the more reason for buying it. - -CUSINS. I don't think you quite know what the Army does for the -poor. - -UNDERSHAFT. Oh yes I do. It draws their teeth: that is enough for -me--as a man of business-- - -CUSINS. Nonsense! It makes them sober-- - -UNDERSHAFT. I prefer sober workmen. The profits are larger. - -CUSINS. --honest-- - -UNDERSHAFT. Honest workmen are the most economical. - -CUSINS. --attached to their homes-- - -UNDERSHAFT. So much the better: they will put up with anything -sooner than change their shop. - -CUSINS. --happy-- - -UNDERSHAFT. An invaluable safeguard against revolution. - -CUSINS. --unselfish-- - -UNDERSHAFT. Indifferent to their own interests, which suits me -exactly. - -CUSINS. --with their thoughts on heavenly things-- - -UNDERSHAFT [rising] And not on Trade Unionism nor Socialism. -Excellent. - -CUSINS [revolted] You really are an infernal old rascal. - -UNDERSHAFT [indicating Peter Shirley, who has just came from the -shelter and strolled dejectedly down the yard between them] And -this is an honest man! - -SHIRLEY. Yes; and what av I got by it? [he passes on bitterly and -sits on the form, in the corner of the penthouse]. - -Snobby Price, beaming sanctimoniously, and Jenny Hill, with a -tambourine full of coppers, come from the shelter and go to the -drum, on which Jenny begins to count the money. - -UNDERSHAFT [replying to Shirley] Oh, your employers must have got -a good deal by it from first to last. [He sits on the table, with -one foot on the side form. Cusins, overwhelmed, sits down on the -same form nearer the shelter. Barbara comes from the shelter to -the middle of the yard. She is excited and a little overwrought]. - -BARBARA. We've just had a splendid experience meeting at the -other gate in Cripps's lane. I've hardly ever seen them so much -moved as they were by your confession, Mr Price. - -PRICE. I could almost be glad of my past wickedness if I could -believe that it would elp to keep hathers stright. - -BARBARA. So it will, Snobby. How much, Jenny? - -JENNY. Four and tenpence, Major. - -BARBARA. Oh Snobby, if you had given your poor mother just one -more kick, we should have got the whole five shillings! - -PRICE. If she heard you say that, miss, she'd be sorry I didn't. -But I'm glad. Oh what a joy it will be to her when she hears I'm -saved! - -UNDERSHAFT. Shall I contribute the odd twopence, Barbara? The -millionaire's mite, eh? [He takes a couple of pennies from his -pocket. - -BARBARA. How did you make that twopence? - -UNDERSHAFT. As usual. By selling cannons, torpedoes, submarines, -and my new patent Grand Duke hand grenade. - -BARBARA. Put it back in your pocket. You can't buy your Salvation -here for twopence: you must work it out. - -UNDERSHAFT. Is twopence not enough? I can afford a little more, -if you press me. - -BARBARA. Two million millions would not be enough. There is bad -blood on your hands; and nothing but good blood can cleanse them. -Money is no use. Take it away. [She turns to Cusins]. Dolly: you -must write another letter for me to the papers. [He makes a wry -face]. Yes: I know you don't like it; but it must be done. The -starvation this winter is beating us: everybody is unemployed. -The General says we must close this shelter if we cant get more -money. I force the collections at the meetings until I am -ashamed, don't I, Snobby? - -PRICE. It's a fair treat to see you work it, miss. The way you -got them up from three-and-six to four-and-ten with that hymn, -penny by penny and verse by verse, was a caution. Not a Cheap -Jack on Mile End Waste could touch you at it. - -BARBARA. Yes; but I wish we could do without it. I am getting at -last to think more of the collection than of the people's souls. -And what are those hatfuls of pence and halfpence? We want -thousands! tens of thousands! hundreds of thousands! I want to -convert people, not to be always begging for the Army in a way -I'd die sooner than beg for myself. - -UNDERSHAFT [in profound irony] Genuine unselfishness is capable -of anything, my dear. - -BARBARA [unsuspectingly, as she turns away to take the money -from the drum and put it in a cash bag she carries] Yes, isn't -it? [Undershaft looks sardonically at Cusins]. - -CUSINS [aside to Undershaft] Mephistopheles! Machiavelli! - -BARBARA [tears coming into her eyes as she ties the bag and -pockets it] How are we to feed them? I can't talk religion to a -man with bodily hunger in his eyes. [Almost breaking down] It's -frightful. - -JENNY [running to her] Major, dear-- - -BARBARA [rebounding] No: don't comfort me. It will be all right. -We shall get the money. - -UNDERSHAFT. How? - -JENNY. By praying for it, of course. Mrs Baines says she prayed -for it last night; and she has never prayed for it in vain: never -once. [She goes to the gate and looks out into the street]. - -BARBARA [who has dried her eyes and regained her composure] By -the way, dad, Mrs Baines has come to march with us to our big -meeting this afternoon; and she is very anxious to meet you, for -some reason or other. Perhaps she'll convert you. - -UNDERSHAFT. I shall be delighted, my dear. - -JENNY [at the gate: excitedly] Major! Major! Here's that man back -again. - -BARBARA. What man? - -JENNY. The man that hit me. Oh, I hope he's coming back to join -us. - -Bill Walker, with frost on his jacket, comes through the gate, -his hands deep in his pockets and his chin sunk between his -shoulders, like a cleaned-out gambler. He halts between Barbara -and the drum. - -BARBARA. Hullo, Bill! Back already! - -BILL [nagging at her] Bin talkin ever sense, av you? - -BARBARA. Pretty nearly. Well, has Todger paid you out for poor -Jenny's jaw? - -BILL. NO he ain't. - -BARBARA. I thought your jacket looked a bit snowy. - -BILL. So it is snowy. You want to know where the snow come from, -don't you? - -BARBARA. Yes. - -BILL. Well, it come from off the ground in Parkinses Corner in -Kennintahn. It got rubbed off be my shoulders see? - -BARBARA. Pity you didn't rub some off with your knees, Bill! That -would have done you a lot of good. - -BILL [with your mirthless humor] I was saving another man's knees -at the time. E was kneelin on my ed, so e was. - -JENNY. Who was kneeling on your head? - -BILL. Todger was. E was prayin for me: prayin comfortable with me -as a carpet. So was Mog. So was the ole bloomin meetin. Mog she -sez "O Lord break is stubborn spirit; but don't urt is dear art." -That was wot she said. "Don't urt is dear art"! An er bloke-- -thirteen stun four!--kneelin wiv all is weight on me. Funny, -ain't it? - -JENNY. Oh no. We're so sorry, Mr Walker. - -BARBARA [enjoying it frankly] Nonsense! of course it's funny. -Served you right, Bill! You must have done something to him -first. - -BILL [doggedly] I did wot I said I'd do. I spit in is eye. E -looks up at the sky and sez, "O that I should be fahnd worthy to -be spit upon for the gospel's sake!" a sez; an Mog sez "Glory -Allelloolier!"; an then a called me Brother, an dahned me as if I -was a kid and a was me mother washin me a Setterda nawt. I adn't -just no show wiv im at all. Arf the street prayed; an the tother -arf larfed fit to split theirselves. [To Barbara] There! are you -settisfawd nah? - -BARBARA [her eyes dancing] Wish I'd been there, Bill. - -BILL. Yes: you'd a got in a hextra bit o talk on me, wouldn't -you? - -JENNY. I'm so sorry, Mr. Walker. - -BILL [fiercely] Don't you go bein sorry for me: you've no call. -Listen ere. I broke your jawr. - -JENNY. No, it didn't hurt me: indeed it didn't, except for a -moment. It was only that I was frightened. - -BILL. I don't want to be forgive be you, or be ennybody. Wot I -did I'll pay for. I tried to get me own jawr broke to settisfaw -you-- - -JENNY [distressed] Oh no-- - -BILL [impatiently] Tell y'I did: cawn't you listen to wot's bein -told you? All I got be it was bein made a sight of in the public -street for me pains. Well, if I cawn't settisfaw you one way, I -can another. Listen ere! I ad two quid saved agen the frost; an -I've a pahnd of it left. A mate n mine last week ad words with -the Judy e's goin to marry. E give er wot-for; an e's bin fined -fifteen bob. E ad a right to it er because they was goin to be -marrid; but I adn't no right to it you; so put anather fawv bob -on an call it a pahnd's worth. [He produces a sovereign]. Ere's -the money. Take it; and let's av no more o your forgivin an -prayin and your Major jawrin me. Let wot I done be done and paid -for; and let there be a end of it. - -JENNY. Oh, I couldn't take it, Mr. Walker. But if you would give -a shilling or two to poor Rummy Mitchens! you really did hurt -her; and she's old. - -BILL [contemptuously] Not likely. I'd give her anather as soon as -look at er. Let her av the lawr o me as she threatened! She ain't -forgiven me: not mach. Wot I done to er is not on me mawnd--wot -she [indicating Barbara] might call on me conscience--no more -than stickin a pig. It's this Christian game o yours that I won't -av played agen me: this bloomin forgivin an noggin an jawrin that -makes a man that sore that iz lawf's a burdn to im. I won't av -it, I tell you; so take your money and stop throwin your silly -bashed face hup agen me. - -JENNY. Major: may I take a little of it for the Army? - -BARBARA. No: the Army is not to be bought. We want your soul, -Bill; and we'll take nothing less. - -BILL [bitterly] I know. It ain't enough. Me an me few shillins is -not good enough for you. You're a earl's grendorter, you are. -Nothin less than a underd pahnd for you. - -UNDERSHAFT. Come, Barbara! you could do a great deal of good with -a hundred pounds. If you will set this gentleman's mind at ease -by taking his pound, I will give the other ninety-nine [Bill, -astounded by such opulence, instinctively touches his cap]. - -BARBARA. Oh, you're too extravagant, papa. Bill offers twenty -pieces of silver. All you need offer is the other ten. That will -make the standard price to buy anybody who's for sale. I'm not; -and the Army's not. [To Bill] You'll never have another quiet -moment, Bill, until you come round to us. You can't stand out -against your salvation. - -BILL [sullenly] I cawn't stend aht agen music all wrastlers and -artful tongued women. I've offered to pay. I can do no more. Take -it or leave it. There it is. [He throws the sovereign on the -drum, and sits down on the horse-trough. The coin fascinates -Snobby Price, who takes an early opportunity of dropping his cap -on it]. - -Mrs Baines comes from the shelter. She is dressed as a Salvation -Army Commissioner. She is an earnest looking woman of about 40, -with a caressing, urgent voice, and an appealing manner. - -BARBARA. This is my father, Mrs Baines. [Undershaft comes from -the table, taking his hat off with marked civility]. Try what you -can do with him. He won't listen to me, because he remembers what -a fool I was when I was a baby. - -[She leaves them together and chats with Jenny]. - -MRS BAINES. Have you been shown over the shelter, Mr Undershaft? -You know the work we're doing, of course. - -UNDERSHAFT [very civilly] The whole nation knows it, Mrs Baines. - -MRS BAINES. No, Sir: the whole nation does not know it, or we -should not be crippled as we are for want of money to carry our -work through the length and breadth of the land. Let me tell you -that there would have been rioting this winter in London but for -us. - -UNDERSHAFT. You really think so? - -MRS BAINES. I know it. I remember 1886, when you rich gentlemen -hardened your hearts against the cry of the poor. They broke the -windows of your clubs in Pall Mall. - -UNDERSHAFT [gleaming with approval of their method] And the -Mansion House Fund went up next day from thirty thousand pounds -to seventy-nine thousand! I remember quite well. - -MRS BAINES. Well, won't you help me to get at the people? They -won't break windows then. Come here, Price. Let me show you to -this gentleman [Price comes to be inspected]. Do you remember the -window breaking? - -PRICE. My ole father thought it was the revolution, ma'am. - -MRS BAINES. Would you break windows now? - -PRICE. Oh no ma'm. The windows of eaven av bin opened to me. I -know now that the rich man is a sinner like myself. - -RUMMY [appearing above at the loft door] Snobby Price! - -SNOBBY. Wot is it? - -RUMMY. Your mother's askin for you at the other gate in Crippses -Lane. She's heard about your confession [Price turns pale]. - -MRS BAINES. Go, Mr. Price; and pray with her. - -JENNY. You can go through the shelter, Snobby. - -PRICE [to Mrs Baines] I couldn't face her now; ma'am, with all -the weight of my sins fresh on me. Tell her she'll find her son -at ome, waitin for her in prayer. [He skulks off through the -gate, incidentally stealing the sovereign on his way out by -picking up his cap from the drum]. - -MRS BAINES [with swimming eyes] You see how we take the anger and -the bitterness against you out of their hearts, Mr Undershaft. - -UNDERSHAFT. It is certainly most convenient and gratifying to all -large employers of labor, Mrs Baines. - -MRS BAINES. Barbara: Jenny: I have good news: most wonderful -news. [Jenny runs to her]. My prayers have been answered. I told -you they would, Jenny, didn't I? - -JENNY. Yes, yes. - -BARBARA [moving nearer to the drum] Have we got money enough to -keep the shelter open? - -MRS BAINES. I hope we shall have enough to keep all the shelters -open. Lord Saxmundham has promised us five thousand pounds-- - -BARBARA. Hooray! - -JENNY. Glory! - -MRS BAINES. --if-- - -BARBARA. "If!" If what? - -MRS BAINES. If five other gentlemen will give a thousand each to -make it up to ten thousand. - -BARBARA. Who is Lord Saxmundham? I never heard of him. - -UNDERSHAFT [who has pricked up his ears at the peer's name, and -is now watching Barbara curiously] A new creation, my dear. You -have heard of Sir Horace Bodger? - -BARBARA. Bodger! Do you mean the distiller? Bodger's whisky! - -UNDERSHAFT. That is the man. He is one of the greatest of our -public benefactors. He restored the cathedral at Hakington. They -made him a baronet for that. He gave half a million to the funds -of his party: they made him a baron for that. - -SHIRLEY. What will they give him for the five thousand? - -UNDERSHAFT. There is nothing left to give him. So the five -thousand, I should think, is to save his soul. - -MRS BAINES. Heaven grant it may! Oh Mr. Undershaft, you have some -very rich friends. Can't you help us towards the other five -thousand? We are going to hold a great meeting this afternoon at -the Assembly Hall in the Mile End Road. If I could only announce -that one gentleman had come forward to support Lord Saxmundham, -others would follow. Don't you know somebody? Couldn't you? -Wouldn't you? [her eyes fill with tears] oh, think of those poor -people, Mr Undershaft: think of how much it means to them, and -how little to a great man like you. - -UNDERSHAFT [sardonically gallant] Mrs Baines: you are -irresistible. I can't disappoint you; and I can't deny myself the -satisfaction of making Bodger pay up. You shall have your five -thousand pounds. - -MRS BAINES. Thank God! - -UNDERSHAFT. You don't thank me? - -MRS BAINES. Oh sir, don't try to be cynical: don't be ashamed of -being a good man. The Lord will bless you abundantly; and our -prayers will be like a strong fortification round you all the -days of your life. [With a touch of caution] You will let me have -the cheque to show at the meeting, won't you? Jenny: go in and -fetch a pen and ink. [Jenny runs to the shelter door]. - -UNDERSHAFT. Do not disturb Miss Hill: I have a fountain pen. -[Jenny halts. He sits at the table and writes the cheque. Cusins -rises to make more room for him. They all watch him silently]. - -BILL [cynically, aside to Barbara, his voice and accent horribly -debased] Wot prawce Selvytion nah? - -BARBARA. Stop. [Undershaft stops writing: they all turn to her in -surprise]. Mrs Baines: are you really going to take this money? - -MRS BAINES [astonished] Why not, dear? - -BARBARA. Why not! Do you know what my father is? Have you -forgotten that Lord Saxmundham is Bodger the whisky man? Do you -remember how we implored the County Council to stop him from -writing Bodger's Whisky in letters of fire against the sky; so -that the poor drinkruined creatures on the embankment could not -wake up from their snatches of sleep without being reminded of -their deadly thirst by that wicked sky sign? Do you know that the -worst thing I have had to fight here is not the devil, but -Bodger, Bodger, Bodger, with his whisky, his distilleries, and -his tied houses? Are you going to make our shelter another tied -house for him, and ask me to keep it? - -BILL. Rotten drunken whisky it is too. - -MRS BAINES. Dear Barbara: Lord Saxmundham has a soul to be saved -like any of us. If heaven has found the way to make a good use of -his money, are we to set ourselves up against the answer to our -prayers? - -BARBARA. I know he has a soul to be saved. Let him come down -here; and I'll do my best to help him to his salvation. But he -wants to send his cheque down to buy us, and go on being as -wicked as ever. - -UNDERSHAFT [with a reasonableness which Cusins alone perceives to -be ironical] My dear Barbara: alcohol is a very necessary -article. It heals the sick-- - -BARBARA. It does nothing of the sort. - -UNDERSHAFT. Well, it assists the doctor: that is perhaps a less -questionable way of putting it. It makes life bearable to -millions of people who could not endure their existence if they -were quite sober. It enables Parliament to do things at eleven at -night that no sane person would do at eleven in the morning. Is -it Bodger's fault that this inestimable gift is deplorably abused -by less than one per cent of the poor? [He turns again to the -table; signs the cheque; and crosses it]. - -MRS BAINES. Barbara: will there be less drinking or more if all -those poor souls we are saving come to-morrow and find the doors -of our shelters shut in their faces? Lord Saxmundham gives us the -money to stop drinking--to take his own business from him. - -CUSINS [impishly] Pure self-sacrifice on Bodger's part, clearly! -Bless dear Bodger! [Barbara almost breaks down as Adolpbus, too, -fails her]. - -UNDERSHAFT [tearing out the cheque and pocketing the book as he -rises and goes past Cusins to Mrs Baines] I also, Mrs Baines, may -claim a little disinterestedness. Think of my business! think of -the widows and orphans! the men and lads torn to pieces with -shrapnel and poisoned with lyddite [Mrs Baines shrinks; but he -goes on remorselessly]! the oceans of blood, not one drop of -which is shed in a really just cause! the ravaged crops! the -peaceful peasants forced, women and men, to till their fields -under the fire of opposing armies on pain of starvation! the bad -blood of the fierce little cowards at home who egg on others to -fight for the gratification of their national vanity! All this -makes money for me: I am never richer, never busier than when the -papers are full of it. Well, it is your work to preach peace on -earth and goodwill to men. [Mrs Baines's face lights up again]. -Every convert you make is a vote against war. [Her lips move in -prayer]. Yet I give you this money to help you to hasten my own -commercial ruin. [He gives her the cheque]. - -CUSINS [mounting the form in an ecstasy of mischief] The -millennium will be inaugurated by the unselfishness of Undershaft -and Bodger. Oh be joyful! [He takes the drumsticks from his -pockets and flourishes them]. - -MRS BAINES [taking the cheque] The longer I live the more proof I -see that there is an Infinite Goodness that turns everything to -the work of salvation sooner or later. Who would have thought -that any good could have come out of war and drink? And yet their -profits are brought today to the feet of salvation to do its -blessed work. [She is affected to tears]. - -JENNY [running to Mrs Baines and throwing her arms round her] Oh -dear! how blessed, how glorious it all is! - -CUSINS [in a convulsion of irony] Let us seize this unspeakable -moment. Let us march to the great meeting at once. Excuse me just -an instant. [He rushes into the shelter. Jenny takes her -tambourine from the drum head]. - -MRS BAINES. Mr Undershaft: have you ever seen a thousand people -fall on their knees with one impulse and pray? Come with us to -the meeting. Barbara shall tell them that the Army is saved, and -saved through you. - -CUSINS [returning impetuously from the shelter with a flag and a -trombone, and coming between Mrs Baines and Undershaft] You shall -carry the flag down the first street, Mrs Baines [he gives her -the flag]. Mr Undershaft is a gifted trombonist: he shall intone -an Olympian diapason to the West Ham Salvation March. [Aside to -Undershaft, as he forces the trombone on him] Blow, Machiavelli, -blow. - -UNDERSHAFT [aside to him, as he takes the trombone] The trumpet -in Zion! [Cusins rushes to the drum, which he takes up and puts -on. Undershaft continues, aloud] I will do my best. I could vamp -a bass if I knew the tune. - -CUSINS. It is a wedding chorus from one of Donizetti's operas; -but we have converted it. We convert everything to good here, -including Bodger. You remember the chorus. "For thee immense -rejoicing--immenso giubilo--immenso giubilo." [With drum -obbligato] Rum tum ti tum tum, tum tum ti ta-- - -BARBARA. Dolly: you are breaking my heart. - -CUSINS. What is a broken heart more or less here? Dionysos -Undershaft has descended. I am possessed. - -MRS BAINES. Come, Barbara: I must have my dear Major to carry the -flag with me. - -JENNY. Yes, yes, Major darling. - -CUSINS [snatches the tambourine out of Jenny's hand and mutely -offers it to Barbara]. - -BARBARA [coming forward a little as she puts the offer behind her -with a shudder, whilst Cusins recklessly tosses the tambourine -back to Jenny and goes to the gate] I can't come. - -JENNY. Not come! - -MRS BAINES [with tears in her eyes] Barbara: do you think -I am wrong to take the money? - -BARBARA [impulsively going to her and kissing her] No, no: -God help you, dear, you must: you are saving the Army. Go; and -may you have a great meeting! - -JENNY. But arn't you coming? - -BARBARA. No. [She begins taking off the silver brooch from her -collar]. - -MRS BAINES. Barbara: what are you doing? - -JENNY. Why are you taking your badge off? You can't be going to -leave us, Major. - -BARBARA [quietly] Father: come here. - -UNDERSHAFT [coming to her] My dear! [Seeing that she is going to -pin the badge on his collar, he retreats to the penthouse in some -alarm]. - -BARBARA [following him] Don't be frightened. [She pins the badge -on and steps back towards the table, showing him to the others] -There! It's not much for 5000 pounds is it? - -MRS BAINES. Barbara: if you won't come and pray with us, promise -me you will pray for us. - -BARBARA. I can't pray now. Perhaps I shall never pray again. - -MRS BAINES. Barbara! - -JENNY. Major! - -BARBARA [almost delirious] I can't bear any more. Quick march! - -CUSINS [calling to the procession in the street outside] Off we -go. Play up, there! Immenso giubilo. [He gives the time with his -drum; and the band strikes up the march, which rapidly becomes -more distant as the procession moves briskly away]. - -MRS BAINES. I must go, dear. You're overworked: you will be all -right tomorrow. We'll never lose you. Now Jenny: step out with -the old flag. Blood and Fire! [She marches out through the gate -with her flag]. - -JENNY. Glory Hallelujah! [flourishing her tambourine and -marching]. - -UNDERSHAFT [to Cusins, as he marches out past him easing the -slide of his trombone] "My ducats and my daughter"! - -CUSINS [following him out] Money and gunpowder! - -BARBARA. Drunkenness and Murder! My God: why hast thou forsaken -me? - -She sinks on the form with her face buried in her hands. The -march passes away into silence. Bill Walker steals across to her. - -BILL [taunting] Wot prawce Selvytion nah? - -SHIRLEY. Don't you hit her when she's down. - -BILL. She it me wen aw wiz dahn. Waw shouldn't I git a bit o me -own back? - -BARBARA [raising her head] I didn't take your money, Bill. [She -crosses the yard to the gate and turns her back on the two men to -hide her face from them]. - -BILL [sneering after her] Naow, it warn't enough for you. -[Turning to the drum, he misses the money]. Ellow! If you ain't -took it summun else az. Were's it gorn? Blame me if Jenny Ill -didn't take it arter all! - -RUMMY [screaming at him from the loft] You lie, you dirty -blackguard! Snobby Price pinched it off the drum wen e took ap iz -cap. I was ap ere all the time an see im do it. - -BILL. Wot! Stowl maw money! Waw didn't you call thief on him, you -silly old mucker you? - -RUMMY. To serve you aht for ittin me acrost the face. It's cost -y'pahnd, that az. [Raising a paean of squalid triumph] I done -you. I'm even with you. I've ad it aht o y--. [Bill snatches up -Shirley's mug and hurls it at her. She slams the loft door and -vanishes. The mug smashes against the door and falls in -fragments]. - -BILL [beginning to chuckle] Tell us, ole man, wot o'clock this -morrun was it wen im as they call Snobby Prawce was sived? - -BARBARA [turning to him more composedly, and with unspoiled -sweetness] About half past twelve, Bill. And he pinched your -pound at a quarter to two. I know. Well, you can't afford to lose -it. I'll send it to you. - -BILL [his voice and accent suddenly improving] Not if I was to -starve for it. I ain't to be bought. - -SHIRLEY. Ain't you? You'd sell yourself to the devil for a pint o -beer; ony there ain't no devil to make the offer. - -BILL [unshamed] So I would, mate, and often av, cheerful. But she -cawn't buy me. [Approaching Barbara] You wanted my soul, did you? -Well, you ain't got it. - -BARBARA. I nearly got it, Bill. But we've sold it back to you for -ten thousand pounds. - -SHIRLEY. And dear at the money! - -BARBARA. No, Peter: it was worth more than money. - -BILL [salvationproof] It's no good: you cawn't get rahnd me nah. -I don't blieve in it; and I've seen today that I was -right. [Going] So long, old soupkitchener! Ta, ta, Major Earl's -Grendorter! [Turning at the gate] Wot prawce Selvytion nah? -Snobby Prawce! Ha! ha! - -BARBARA [offering her hand] Goodbye, Bill. - -BILL [taken aback, half plucks his cap off then shoves it on -again defiantly] Git aht. [Barbara drops her hand, discouraged. -He has a twinge of remorse]. But thet's aw rawt, you -knaow. Nathink pasnl. Naow mellice. So long, Judy. [He -goes]. - -BARBARA. No malice. So long, Bill. - -SHIRLEY [shaking his head] You make too much of him, miss, in -your innocence. - -BARBARA [going to him] Peter: I'm like you now. Cleaned out, and -lost my job. - -SHIRLEY. You've youth an hope. That's two better than me. That's -hope for you. - -BARBARA. I'll get you a job, Peter, the youth will have to be -enough for me. [She counts her money]. I have just enough left -for two teas at Lockharts, a Rowton doss for you, and my tram and -bus home. [He frowns and rises with offended pride. She takes his -arm]. Don't be proud, Peter: it's sharing between friends. And -promise me you'll talk to me and not let me cry. [She draws him -towards the gate]. - -SHIRLEY. Well, I'm not accustomed to talk to the like of you-- - -BARBARA [urgently] Yes, yes: you must talk to me. Tell me about -Tom Paine's books and Bradlaugh's lectures. Come along. - -SHIRLEY. Ah, if you would only read Tom Paine in the proper -spirit, miss! [They go out through the gate together]. - - - -ACT III - -Next day after lunch Lady Britomart is writing in the library in -Wilton Crescent. Sarah is reading in the armchair near the -window. Barbara, in ordinary dresss, pale and brooding, is on the -settee. Charley Lomax enters. Coming forward between the settee -and the writing table, he starts on seeing Barbara fashionably -attired and in low spirits. - -LOMAX. You've left off your uniform! - -Barbara says nothing; but an expression of pain passes over -her face. - -LADY BRITOMART [warning him in low tones to be careful] Charles! - -LOMAX [much concerned, sitting down sympathetically on the settee -beside Barbara] I'm awfully sorry, Barbara. You know I helped you -all I could with the concertina and so forth. [Momentously] -Still, I have never shut my eyes to the fact that there is a -certain amount of tosh about the Salvation Army. Now the claims -of the Church of England-- - -LADY BRITOMART. That's enough, Charles. Speak of something suited -to your mental capacity. - -LOMAX. But surely the Church of England is suited to all our -capacities. - -BARBARA [pressing his hand] Thank you for your sympathy, Cholly. -Now go and spoon with Sarah. - -LOMAX [rising and going to Sarah] How is my ownest today? - -SARAH. I wish you wouldn't tell Cholly to do things, Barbara. He -always comes straight and does them. Cholly: we're going to the -works at Perivale St. Andrews this afternoon. - -LOMAX. What works? - -SARAH. The cannon works. - -LOMAX. What! Your governor's shop! - -SARAH. Yes. - -LOMAX. Oh I say! - -Cusins enters in poor condition. He also starts visibly when he -sees Barbara without her uniform. - -BARBARA. I expected you this morning, Dolly. Didn't you guess -that? - -CUSINS [sitting down beside her] I'm sorry. I have only just -breakfasted. - -SARAH. But we've just finished lunch. - -BARBARA. Have you had one of your bad nights? - -CUSINS. No: I had rather a good night: in fact, one of the most -remarkable nights I have ever passed. - -BARBARA. The meeting? - -CUSINS. No: after the meeting. - -LADY BRITOMART. You should have gone to bed after the meeting. -What were you doing? - -CUSINS. Drinking. - -LADY BRITOMART. {Adolphus! -SARAH. {Dolly! -BARBARA. {Dolly! -LOMAX. {Oh I say! - -LADY BRITOMART. What were you drinking, may I ask? - -CUSINS. A most devilish kind of Spanish burgundy, warranted free -from added alcohol: a Temperance burgundy in fact. Its richness -in natural alcohol made any addition superfluous. - -BARBARA. Are you joking, Dolly? - -CUSINS [patiently] No. I have been making a night of it with the -nominal head of this household: that is all. - -LADY BRITOMART. Andrew made you drunk! - -CUSINS. No: he only provided the wine. I think it was Dionysos -who made me drunk. [To Barbara] I told you I was possessed. - -LADY BRITOMART. You're not sober yet. Go home to bed at once. - -CUSINS. I have never before ventured to reproach you, Lady Brit; -but how could you marry the Prince of Darkness? - -LADY BRITOMART. It was much more excusable to marry him than to -get drunk with him. That is a new accomplishment of Andrew's, by -the way. He usen't to drink. - -CUSINS. He doesn't now. He only sat there and completed the wreck -of my moral basis, the rout of my convictions, the purchase of my -soul. He cares for you, Barbara. That is what makes him so -dangerous to me. - -BARBARA. That has nothing to do with it, Dolly. There are larger -loves and diviner dreams than the fireside ones. You know that, -don't you? - -CUSINS. Yes: that is our understanding. I know it. I hold to it. -Unless he can win me on that holier ground he may amuse me for a -while; but he can get no deeper hold, strong as he is. - -BARBARA. Keep to that; and the end will be right. Now tell me -what happened at the meeting? - -CUSINS. It was an amazing meeting. Mrs Baines almost died of -emotion. Jenny Hill went stark mad with hysteria. The Prince of -Darkness played his trombone like a madman: its brazen roarings -were like the laughter of the damned. 117 conversions took place -then and there. They prayed with the most touching sincerity and -gratitude for Bodger, and for the anonymous donor of the 5000 -pounds. Your father would not let his name be given. - -LOMAX. That was rather fine of the old man, you know. Most chaps -would have wanted the advertisement. - -CUSINS. He said all the charitable institutions would be down on -him like kites on a battle field if he gave his name. - -LADY BRITOMART. That's Andrew all over. He never does a proper -thing without giving an improper reason for it. - -CUSINS. He convinced me that I have all my life been doing -improper things for proper reasons. - -LADY BRITOMART. Adolphus: now that Barbara has left the Salvation -Army, you had better leave it too. I will not have you playing -that drum in the streets. - -CUSINS. Your orders are already obeyed, Lady Brit. - -BARBARA. Dolly: were you ever really in earnest about it? Would -you have joined if you had never seen me? - -CUSINS [disingenuously] Well--er--well, possibly, as a collector -of religions-- - -LOMAX [cunningly] Not as a drummer, though, you know. You are a -very clearheaded brainy chap, Cholly; and it must have been -apparent to you that there is a certain amount of tosh about-- - -LADY BRITOMART. Charles: if you must drivel, drivel like a -grown-up man and not like a schoolboy. - -LOMAX [out of countenance] Well, drivel is drivel, don't you -know, whatever a man's age. - -LADY BRITOMART. In good society in England, Charles, men drivel -at all ages by repeating silly formulas with an air of wisdom. -Schoolboys make their own formulas out of slang, like you. When -they reach your age, and get political private secretaryships and -things of that sort, they drop slang and get their formulas out -of The Spectator or The Times. You had better confine yourself to -The Times. You will find that there is a certain amount of tosh -about The Times; but at least its language is reputable. - -LOMAX [overwhelmed] You are so awfully strong-minded, Lady Brit-- - -LADY BRITOMART. Rubbish! [Morrison comes in]. What is it? - -MORRISON. If you please, my lady, Mr Undershaft has just drove up -to the door. - -LADY BRITOMART. Well, let him in. [Morrison hesitates]. What's -the matter with you? - -MORRISON. Shall I announce him, my lady; or is he at home here, -so to speak, my lady? - -LADY BRITOMART. Announce him. - -MORRISON. Thank you, my lady. You won't mind my asking, I hope. -The occasion is in a manner of speaking new to me. - -LADY BRITOMART. Quite right. Go and let him in. - -MORRISON. Thank you, my lady. [He withdraws]. - -LADY BRITOMART. Children: go and get ready. [Sarah and Barbara go -upstairs for their out-of-door wrap]]. Charles: go and tell -Stephen to come down here in five minutes: you will find him in -the drawing room. [Charles goes]. Adolphus: tell them to send -round the carriage in about fifteen minutes. [Adolphus goes]. - -MORRISON [at the door] Mr Undershaft. - -Undershaft comes in. Morrison goes out. - -UNDERSHAFT. Alone! How fortunate! - -LADY BRITOMART [rising] Don't be sentimental, Andrew. Sit down. -[She sits on the settee: he sits beside her, on her left. She -comes to the point before he has time to breathe]. Sarah must -have 800 pounds a year until Charles Lomax comes into his -property. Barbara will need more, and need it permanently, -because Adolphus hasn't any property. - -UNDERSHAFT [resignedly] Yes, my dear: I will see to it. Anything -else? for yourself, for instance? - -LADY BRITOMART. I want to talk to you about Stephen. - -UNDERSHAFT [rather wearily] Don't, my dear. Stephen doesn't -interest me. - -LADY BRITOMART. He does interest me. He is our son. - -UNDERSHAFT. Do you really think so? He has induced us to bring -him into the world; but he chose his parents very incongruously, -I think. I see nothing of myself in him, and less of you. - -LADY BRITOMART. Andrew: Stephen is an excellent son, and a most -steady, capable, highminded young man. YOU are simply trying to -find an excuse for disinheriting him. - -UNDERSHAFT. My dear Biddy: the Undershaft tradition disinherits -him. It would be dishonest of me to leave the cannon foundry to -my son. - -LADY BRITOMART. It would be most unnatural and improper of you to -leave it to anyone else, Andrew. Do you suppose this wicked and -immoral tradition can be kept up for ever? Do you pretend that -Stephen could not carry on the foundry just as well as all the -other sons of the big business houses? - -UNDERSHAFT. Yes: he could learn the office routine without -understanding the business, like all the other sons; and the firm -would go on by its own momentum until the real Undershaft-- -probably an Italian or a German--would invent a new method and -cut him out. - -LADY BRITOMART. There is nothing that any Italian or German could -do that Stephen could not do. And Stephen at least has breeding. - -UNDERSHAFT. The son of a foundling! nonsense! - -LADY BRITOMART. My son, Andrew! And even you may have good blood -in your veins for all you know. - -UNDERSHAFT. True. Probably I have. That is another argument in -favor of a foundling. - -LADY BRITOMART. Andrew: don't be aggravating. And don't be -wicked. At present you are both. - -UNDERSHAFT. This conversation is part of the Undershaft -tradition, Biddy. Every Undershaft's wife has treated him to it -ever since the house was founded. It is mere waste of breath. If -the tradition be ever broken it will be for an abler man than -Stephen. - -LADY BRITOMART [pouting] Then go away. - -UNDERSHAFT [deprecatory] Go away! - -LADY BRITOMART. Yes: go away. If you will do nothing for Stephen, -you are not wanted here. Go to your foundling, whoever he is; and -look after him. - -UNDERSHAFT. The fact is, Biddy-- - -LADY BRITOMART. Don't call me Biddy. I don't call you Andy. - -UNDERSHAFT. I will not call my wife Britomart: it is not good -sense. Seriously, my love, the Undershaft tradition has landed me -in a difficulty. I am getting on in years; and my partner Lazarus -has at last made a stand and insisted that the succession must be -settled one way or the other; and of course he is quite right. -You see, I haven't found a fit successor yet. - -LADY BRITOMART [obstinately] There is Stephen. - -UNDERSHAFT. That's just it: all the foundlings I can find are -exactly like Stephen. - -LADY BRITOMART. Andrew!! - -UNDERSHAFT. I want a man with no relations and no schooling: that -is, a man who would be out of the running altogether if he were -not a strong man. And I can't find him. Every blessed foundling -nowadays is snapped up in his infancy by Barnardo homes, or -School Board officers, or Boards of Guardians; and if he shows -the least ability, he is fastened on by schoolmasters; trained to -win scholarships like a racehorse; crammed with secondhand ideas; -drilled and disciplined in docility and what they call good -taste; and lamed for life so that he is fit for nothing but -teaching. If you want to keep the foundry in the family, you had -better find an eligible foundling and marry him to Barbara. - -LADY BRITOMART. Ah! Barbara! Your pet! You would sacrifice -Stephen to Barbara. - -UNDERSHAFT. Cheerfully. And you, my dear, would boil Barbara to -make soup for Stephen. - -LADY BRITOMART. Andrew: this is not a question of our likings and -dislikings: it is a question of duty. It is your duty to make -Stephen your successor. - -UNDERSHAFT. Just as much as it is your duty to submit to your -husband. Come, Biddy! these tricks of the governing class are of -no use with me. I am one of the governing class myself; and it is -waste of time giving tracts to a missionary. I have the power in -this matter; and I am not to be humbugged into using it for your -purposes. - -LADY BRITOMART. Andrew: you can talk my head off; but you can't -change wrong into right. And your tie is all on one side. Put it -straight. - -UNDERSHAFT [disconcerted] It won't stay unless it's pinned [he -fumbles at it with childish grimaces]-- - -Stephen comes in. - -STEPHEN [at the door] I beg your pardon [about to retire]. - -LADY BRITOMART. No: come in, Stephen. [Stephen comes forward to -his mother's writing table. - -UNDERSHAFT [not very cordially] Good afternoon. - -STEPHEN [coldly] Good afternoon. - -UNDERSHAFT [to Lady Britomart] He knows all about the tradition, -I suppose? - -LADY BRITOMART. Yes. [To Stephen] It is what I told you last -night, Stephen. - -UNDERSHAFT [sulkily] I understand you want to come into the -cannon business. - -STEPHEN. _I_ go into trade! Certainly not. - -UNDERSHAFT [opening his eyes, greatly eased in mind and manner] -Oh! in that case--! - -LADY BRITOMART. Cannons are not trade, Stephen. They are -enterprise. - -STEPHEN. I have no intention of becoming a man of business in any -sense. I have no capacity for business and no taste for it. I -intend to devote myself to politics. - -UNDERSHAFT [rising] My dear boy: this is an immense relief to me. -And I trust it may prove an equally good thing for the country. I -was afraid you would consider yourself disparaged and slighted. -[He moves towards Stephen as if to shake hands with him]. - -LADY BRITOMART [rising and interposing] Stephen: I cannot allow -you to throw away an enormous property like this. - -STEPHEN [stiffly] Mother: there must be an end of treating me as -a child, if you please. [Lady Britomart recoils, deeply wounded -by his tone]. Until last night I did not take your attitude -seriously, because I did not think you meant it seriously. But I -find now that you left me in the dark as to matters which you -should have explained to me years ago. I am extremely hurt and -offended. Any further discussion of my intentions had better take -place with my father, as between one man and another. - -LADY BRITOMART. Stephen! [She sits down again; and her eyes fill -with tears]. - -UNDERSHAFT [with grave compassion] You see, my dear, it is only -the big men who can be treated as children. - -STEPHEN. I am sorry, mother, that you have forced me-- - -UNDERSHAFT [stopping him] Yes, yes, yes, yes: that's all right, -Stephen. She wont interfere with you any more: your independence -is achieved: you have won your latchkey. Don't rub it in; and -above all, don't apologize. [He resumes his seat]. Now what about -your future, as between one man and another--I beg your pardon, -Biddy: as between two men and a woman. - -LADY BRITOMART [who has pulled herself together strongly] I quite -understand, Stephen. By all means go your own way if you feel -strong enough. [Stephen sits down magisterially in the chair at -the writing table with an air of affirming his majority]. - -UNDERSHAFT. It is settled that you do not ask for the succession -to the cannon business. - -STEPHEN. I hope it is settled that I repudiate the cannon -business. - -UNDERSHAFT. Come, come! Don't be so devilishly sulky: it's -boyish. Freedom should be generous. Besides, I owe you a fair -start in life in exchange for disinheriting you. You can't become -prime minister all at once. Haven't you a turn for something? -What about literature, art and so forth? - -STEPHEN. I have nothing of the artist about me, either in faculty -or character, thank Heaven! - -UNDERSHAFT. A philosopher, perhaps? Eh? - -STEPHEN. I make no such ridiculous pretension. - -UNDERSHAFT. Just so. Well, there is the army, the navy, the -Church, the Bar. The Bar requires some ability. What -about the Bar? - -STEPHEN. I have not studied law. And I am afraid I have not the -necessary push--I believe that is the name barristers give to -their vulgarity--for success in pleading. - -UNDERSHAFT. Rather a difficult case, Stephen. Hardly anything -left but the stage, is there? [Stephen makes an impatient -movement]. Well, come! is there anything you know or care for? - -STEPHEN [rising and looking at him steadily] I know the -difference between right and wrong. - -UNDERSHAFT [hugely tickled] You don't say so! What! no capacity -for business, no knowledge of law, no sympathy with art, no -pretension to philosophy; only a simple knowledge of the secret -that has puzzled all the philosophers, baffled all the lawyers, -muddled all the men of business, and ruined most of the artists: -the secret of right and wrong. Why, man, you're a genius, master -of masters, a god! At twenty-four, too! - -STEPHEN [keeping his temper with difficulty] You are pleased to -be facetious. I pretend to nothing more than any honorable -English gentleman claims as his birthright [he sits down -angrily]. - -UNDERSHAFT. Oh, that's everybody's birthright. Look at poor -little Jenny Hill, the Salvation lassie! she would think you were -laughing at her if you asked her to stand up in the street and -teach grammar or geography or mathematics or even drawingroom -dancing; but it never occurs to her to doubt that she can teach -morals and religion. You are all alike, you respectable people. -You can't tell me the bursting strain of a ten-inch gun, which is -a very simple matter; but you all think you can tell me the -bursting strain of a man under temptation. You daren't handle -high explosives; but you're all ready to handle honesty and -truth and justice and the whole duty of man, and kill one another -at that game. What a country! what a world! - -LADY BRITOMART [uneasily] What do you think he had better do, -Andrew? - -UNDERSHAFT. Oh, just what he wants to do. He knows nothing; and -he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political -career. Get him a private secretaryship to someone who can get -him an Under Secretaryship; and then leave him alone. He will -find his natural and proper place in the end on the Treasury -bench. - -STEPHEN [springing up again] I am sorry, sir, that you force -me to forget the respect due to you as my father. I am an -Englishman; and I will not hear the Government of my country -insulted. [He thrusts his hands in his pockets, and walks angrily -across to the window]. - -UNDERSHAFT [with a touch of brutality] The government of your -country! _I_ am the government of your country: I, and Lazarus. -Do you suppose that you and half a dozen amateurs like you, -sitting in a row in that foolish gabble shop, can govern -Undershaft and Lazarus? No, my friend: you will do what pays US. -You will make war when it suits us, and keep peace when it -doesn't. You will find out that trade requires certain measures -when we have decided on those measures. When I want anything to -keep my dividends up, you will discover that my want is a -national need. When other people want something to keep my -dividends down, you will call out the police and military. And in -return you shall have the support and applause of my newspapers, -and the delight of imagining that you are a great statesman. -Government of your country! Be off with you, my boy, and play -with your caucuses and leading articles and historic parties and -great leaders and burning questions and the rest of your toys. -_I_ am going back to my counting house to pay the piper and call -the tune. - -STEPHEN [actually smiling, and putting his hand on his father's -shoulder with indulgent patronage] Really, my dear father, it is -impossible to be angry with you. You don't know how absurd all -this sounds to ME. You are very properly proud of having been -industrious enough to make money; and it is greatly to your -credit that you have made so much of it. But it has kept you in -circles where you are valued for your money and deferred to for -it, instead of in the doubtless very oldfashioned and -behind-the-times public school and university where I formed my -habits of mind. It is natural for you to think that money governs -England; but you must allow me to think I know better. - -UNDERSHAFT. And what does govern England, pray? - -STEPHEN. Character, father, character. - -UNDERSHAFT. Whose character? Yours or mine? - -STEPHEN. Neither yours nor mine, father, but the best elements in -the English national character. - -UNDERSHAFT. Stephen: I've found your profession for you. You're a -born journalist. I'll start you with a hightoned weekly review. -There! - -Stephen goes to the smaller writing table and busies himself with -his letters. - -Sarah, Barbara, Lomax, and Cusins come in ready for walking. -Barbara crosses the room to the window and looks out. Cusins -drifts amiably to the armchair, and Lomax remains near the door, -whilst Sarah comes to her mother. - -SARAH. Go and get ready, mamma: the carriage is waiting. [Lady -Britomart leaves the room.] - -UNDERSHAFT [to Sarah] Good day, my dear. Good afternoon, Mr. -Lomax. - -LOMAX [vaguely] Ahdedoo. - -UNDERSHAFT [to Cusins] quite well after last night, Euripides, -eh? - -CUSINS. As well as can be expected. - -UNDERSHAFT. That's right. [To Barbara] So you are coming to see -my death and devastation factory, Barbara? - -BARBARA [at the window] You came yesterday to see my salvation -factory. I promised you a return visit. - -LOMAX [coming forward between Sarah and Undershaft] You'll find -it awfully interesting. I've been through the Woolwich Arsenal; -and it gives you a ripping feeling of security, you know, to -think of the lot of beggars we could kill if it came to fighting. -[To Undershaft, with sudden solemnity] Still, it must be rather -an awful reflection for you, from the religious point of view as -it were. You're getting on, you know, and all that. - -SARAH. You don't mind Cholly's imbecility, papa, do you? - -LOMAX [much taken aback] Oh I say! - -UNDERSHAFT. Mr Lomax looks at the matter in a very proper spirit, -my dear. - -LOMAX. Just so. That's all I meant, I assure you. - -SARAH. Are you coming, Stephen? - -STEPHEN. Well, I am rather busy--er-- [Magnanimously] Oh well, -yes: I'll come. That is, if there is room for me. - -UNDERSHAFT. I can take two with me in a little motor I am -experimenting with for field use. You won't mind its being rather -unfashionable. It's not painted yet; but it's bullet proof. - -LOMAX [appalled at the prospect of confronting Wilton Crescent in -an unpainted motor] Oh I say! - -SARAH. The carriage for me, thank you. Barbara doesn't mind what -she's seen in. - -LOMAX. I say, Dolly old chap: do you really mind the car being a -guy? Because of course if you do I'll go in it. Still-- - -CUSINS. I prefer it. - -LOMAX. Thanks awfully, old man. Come, Sarah. [He hurries out to -secure his seat in the carriage. Sarah follows him]. - -CUSINS. [moodily walking across to Lady Britomart's writing table] -Why are we two coming to this Works Department of Hell? that is -what I ask myself. - -BARBARA. I have always thought of it as a sort of pit where lost -creatures with blackened faces stirred up smoky fires and were -driven and tormented by my father? Is it like that, dad? - -UNDERSHAFT [scandalized] My dear! It is a spotlessly clean and -beautiful hillside town. - -CUSINS. With a Methodist chapel? Oh do say there's a Methodist -chapel. - -UNDERSHAFT. There are two: a primitive one and a sophisticated -one. There is even an Ethical Society; but it is not much -patronized, as my men are all strongly religious. In the High -Explosives Sheds they object to the presence of Agnostics as -unsafe. - -CUSINS. And yet they don't object to you! - -BARBARA. Do they obey all your orders? - -UNDERSHAFT. I never give them any orders. When I speak to one of -them it is "Well, Jones, is the baby doing well? and has Mrs -Jones made a good recovery?" "Nicely, thank you, sir." And that's -all. - -CUSINS. But Jones has to be kept in order. How do you maintain -discipline among your men? - -UNDERSHAFT. I don't. They do. You see, the one thing Jones won't -stand is any rebellion from the man under him, or any assertion -of social equality between the wife of the man with 4 shillings a -week less than himself and Mrs Jones! Of course they all rebel -against me, theoretically. Practically, every man of them keeps -the man just below him in his place. I never meddle with them. I -never bully them. I don't even bully Lazarus. I say that certain -things are to be done; but I don't order anybody to do them. I -don't say, mind you, that there is no ordering about and snubbing -and even bullying. The men snub the boys and order them about; -the carmen snub the sweepers; the artisans snub the unskilled -laborers; the foremen drive and bully both the laborers and -artisans; the assistant engineers find fault with the foremen; -the chief engineers drop on the assistants; the departmental -managers worry the chiefs; and the clerks have tall hats and -hymnbooks and keep up the social tone by refusing to associate on -equal terms with anybody. The result is a colossal profit, which -comes to me. - -CUSINS [revolted] You really are a--well, what I was saying -yesterday. - -BARBARA. What was he saying yesterday? - -UNDERSHAFT. Never mind, my dear. He thinks I have made you -unhappy. Have I? - -BARBARA. Do you think I can be happy in this vulgar silly dress? -I! who have worn the uniform. Do you understand what you have -done to me? Yesterday I had a man's soul in my hand. I set him in -the way of life with his face to salvation. But when we took your -money he turned back to drunkenness and derision. [With intense -conviction] I will never forgive you that. If I had a child, and -you destroyed its body with your explosives--if you murdered -Dolly with your horrible guns--I could forgive you if my -forgiveness would open the gates of heaven to you. But to take a -human soul from me, and turn it into the soul of a wolf! that is -worse than any murder. - -UNDERSHAFT. Does my daughter despair so easily? Can you strike a -man to the heart and leave no mark on him? - -BARBARA [her face lighting up] Oh, you are right: he can never be -lost now: where was my faith? - -CUSINS. Oh, clever clever devil! - -BARBARA. You may be a devil; but God speaks through you -sometimes. [She takes her father's hands and kisses them]. You -have given me back my happiness: I feel it deep down now, though -my spirit is troubled. - -UNDERSHAFT. You have learnt something. That always feels at first -as if you had lost something. - -BARBARA. Well, take me to the factory of death, and let me learn -something more. There must be some truth or other behind all this -frightful irony. Come, Dolly. [She goes out]. - -CUSINS. My guardian angel! [To Undershaft] Avaunt! [He follows -Barbara]. - -STEPHEN [quietly, at the writing table] You must not mind Cusins, -father. He is a very amiable good fellow; but he is a Greek -scholar and naturally a little eccentric. - -UNDERSHAFT. Ah, quite so. Thank you, Stephen. Thank you. [He goes -out]. - -Stephen smiles patronizingly; buttons his coat responsibly; and -crosses the room to the door. Lady Britomart, dressed for -out-of-doors, opens it before he reaches it. She looks round far -the others; looks at Stephen; and turns to go without a word. - -STEPHEN [embarrassed] Mother-- - -LADY BRITOMART. Don't be apologetic, Stephen. And don't forget -that you have outgrown your mother. [She goes out]. - -Perivale St Andrews lies between two Middlesex hills, half -climbing the northern one. It is an almost smokeless town of -white walls, roofs of narrow green slates or red tiles, tall -trees, domes, campaniles, and slender chimney shafts, beautifully -situated and beautiful in itself. The best view of it is obtained -from the crest of a slope about half a mile to the east, where -the high explosives are dealt with. The foundry lies hidden in -the depths between, the tops of its chimneys sprouting like huge -skittles into the middle distance. Across the crest runs a -platform of concrete, with a parapet which suggests a -fortification, because there is a huge cannon of the obsolete -Woolwich Infant pattern peering across it at the town. The cannon -is mounted on an experimental gun carriage: possibly the original -model of the Undershaft disappearing rampart gun alluded to by -Stephen. The parapet has a high step inside which serves as a -seat. - -Barbara is leaning over the parapet, looking towards the town. On -her right is the cannon; on her left the end of a shed raised on -piles, with a ladder of three or four steps up to the door, which -opens outwards and has a little wooden landing at the threshold, -with a fire bucket in the corner of the landing. The parapet -stops short of the shed, leaving a gap which is the beginning of -the path down the hill through the foundry to the town. Behind -the cannon is a trolley carrying a huge conical bombshell, with a -red band painted on it. Further from the parapet, on the same -side, is a deck chair, near the door of an office, which, like -the sheds, is of the lightest possible construction. - -Cusins arrives by the path from the town. - -BARBARA. Well? - -CUSINS. Not a ray of hope. Everything perfect, wonderful, real. -It only needs a cathedral to be a heavenly city instead of a -hellish one. - -BARBARA. Have you found out whether they have done anything for -old Peter Shirley. - -CUSINS. They have found him a job as gatekeeper and timekeeper. -He's frightfully miserable. He calls the timekeeping brainwork, -and says he isn't used to it; and his gate lodge is so splendid -that he's ashamed to use the rooms, and skulks in the scullery. - -BARBARA. Poor Peter! - -Stephen arrives from the town. He carries a fieldglass. - -STEPHEN [enthusiastically] Have you two seen the place? Why did -you leave us? - -CUSINS. I wanted to see everything I was not intended to see; and -Barbara wanted to make the men talk. - -STEPHEN. Have you found anything discreditable? - -CUSINS. No. They call him Dandy Andy and are proud of his being a -cunning old rascal; but it's all horribly, frightfully, -immorally, unanswerably perfect. - -Sarah arrives. - -SARAH. Heavens! what a place! [She crosses to the trolley]. Did -you see the nursing home!? [She sits down on the shell]. - -STEPHEN. Did you see the libraries and schools!? - -SARAH. Did you see the ballroom and the banqueting chamber in the -Town Hall!? - -STEPHEN. Have you gone into the insurance fund, the pension fund, -the building society, the various applications of co-operation!? - -Undershaft comes from the office, with a sheaf of telegrams in -his hands. - -UNDERSHAFT. Well, have you seen everything? I'm sorry I was -called away. [Indicating the telegrams] News from Manchuria. - -STEPHEN. Good news, I hope. - -UNDERSHAFT. Very. - -STEPHEN. Another Japanese victory? - -UNDERSHAFT. Oh, I don't know. Which side wins does not concern us -here. No: the good news is that the aerial battleship is a -tremendous success. At the first trial it has wiped out a fort -with three hundred soldiers in it. - -CUSINS [from the platform] Dummy soldiers? - -UNDERSHAFT. No: the real thing. [Cusins and Barbara exchange -glances. Then Cusins sits on the step and buries his face in his -hands. Barbara gravely lays her hand on his shoulder, and he -looks up at her in a sort of whimsical desperation]. Well, -Stephen, what do you think of the place? - -STEPHEN. Oh, magnificent. A perfect triumph of organization. -Frankly, my dear father, I have been a fool: I had no idea of -what it all meant--of the wonderful forethought, the power of -organization, the administrative capacity, the financial genius, -the colossal capital it represents. I have been repeating to -myself as I came through your streets "Peace hath her victories -no less renowned than War." I have only one misgiving about it -all. - -UNDERSHAFT. Out with it. - -STEPHEN. Well, I cannot help thinking that all this provision for -every want of your workmen may sap their independence and weaken -their sense of responsibility. And greatly as we enjoyed our tea -at that splendid restaurant--how they gave us all that luxury and -cake and jam and cream for threepence I really cannot imagine!-- -still you must remember that restaurants break up home life. Look -at the continent, for instance! Are you sure so much pampering is -really good for the men's characters? - -UNDERSHAFT. Well you see, my dear boy, when you are organizing -civilization you have to make up your mind whether trouble and -anxiety are good things or not. If you decide that they are, -then, I take it, you simply don't organize civilization; and -there you are, with trouble and anxiety enough to make us all -angels! But if you decide the other way, you may as well go -through with it. However, Stephen, our characters are safe here. -A sufficient dose of anxiety is always provided by the fact that -we may be blown to smithereens at any moment. - -SARAH. By the way, papa, where do you make the explosives? - -UNDERSHAFT. In separate little sheds, like that one. When one of -them blows up, it costs very little; and only the people quite -close to it are killed. - -Stephen, who is quite close to it, looks at it rather scaredly, -and moves away quickly to the cannon. At the same moment the door -of the shed is thrown abruptly open; and a foreman in overalls -and list slippers comes out on the little landing and holds the -door open for Lomax, who appears in the doorway. - -LOMAX [with studied coolness] My good fellow: you needn't get -into a state of nerves. Nothing's going to happen to you; and I -suppose it wouldn't be the end of the world if anything did. A -little bit of British pluck is what you want, old chap. [He -descends and strolls across to Sarah]. - -UNDERSHAFT [to the foreman] Anything wrong, Bilton? - -BILTON [with ironic calm] Gentleman walked into the high -explosives shed and lit a cigaret, sir: that's all. - -UNDERSHAFT. Ah, quite so. [To Lomax] Do you happen to remember -what you did with the match? - -LOMAX. Oh come! I'm not a fool. I took jolly good care to blow it -out before I chucked it away. - -BILTON. The top of it was red hot inside, sir. - -LOMAX. Well, suppose it was! I didn't chuck it into any of your -messes. - -UNDERSHAFT. Think no more of it, Mr Lomax. By the way, would you -mind lending me your matches? - -LOMAX [offering his box] Certainly. - -UNDERSHAFT. Thanks. [He pockets the matches]. - -LOMAX [lecturing to the company generally] You know, these high -explosives don't go off like gunpowder, except when they're in a -gun. When they're spread loose, you can put a match to them -without the least risk: they just burn quietly like a bit of -paper. [Warming to the scientific interest of the subject] Did -you know that Undershaft? Have you ever tried? - -UNDERSHAFT. Not on a large scale, Mr Lomax. Bilton will give you -a sample of gun cotton when you are leaving if you ask him. You -can experiment with it at home. [Bilton looks puzzled]. - -SARAH. Bilton will do nothing of the sort, papa. I suppose it's -your business to blow up the Russians and Japs; but you might -really stop short of blowing up poor Cholly. [Bilton gives it up -and retires into the shed]. - -LOMAX. My ownest, there is no danger. [He sits beside her on the -shell]. - -Lady Britomart arrives from the town with a bouquet. - -LADY BRITOMART [coming impetuously between Undershaft and the -deck chair] Andrew: you shouldn't have let me see this place. - -UNDERSHAFT. Why, my dear? - -LADY BRITOMART. Never mind why: you shouldn't have: that's all. -To think of all that [indicating the town] being yours! and that -you have kept it to yourself all these years! - -UNDERSHAFT. It does not belong to me. I belong to it. It is the -Undershaft inheritance. - -LADY BRITOMART. It is not. Your ridiculous cannons and that noisy -banging foundry may be the Undershaft inheritance; but all that -plate and linen, all that furniture and those houses and orchards -and gardens belong to us. They belong to me: they are not a man's -business. I won't give them up. You must be out of your senses to -throw them all away; and if you persist in such folly, I will -call in a doctor. - -UNDERSHAFT [stooping to smell the bouquet] Where did you get the -flowers, my dear? - -LADY BRITOMART. Your men presented them to me in your William -Morris Labor Church. - -CUSINS [springing up] Oh! It needed only that. A Labor Church! - -LADY BRITOMART. Yes, with Morris's words in mosaic letters ten -feet high round the dome. NO MAN IS GOOD ENOUGH TO BE ANOTHER -MAN'S MASTER. The cynicism of it! - -UNDERSHAFT. It shocked the men at first, I am afraid. But now -they take no more notice of it than of the ten commandments in -church. - -LADY BRITOMART. Andrew: you are trying to put me off the subject -of the inheritance by profane jokes. Well, you shan't. I don't -ask it any longer for Stephen: he has inherited far too much of -your perversity to be fit for it. But Barbara has rights as well -as Stephen. Why should not Adolphus succeed to the inheritance? I -could manage the town for him; and he can look after the cannons, -if they are really necessary. - -UNDERSHAFT. I should ask nothing better if Adolphus were a -foundling. He is exactly the sort of new blood that is wanted in -English business. But he's not a foundling; and there's an end of -it. - -CUSINS [diplomatically] Not quite. [They all turn and stare at -him. He comes from the platform past the shed to Undershaft]. I -think--Mind! I am not committing myself in any way as to my -future course--but I think the foundling difficulty can be got -over. - -UNDERSHAFT. What do you mean? - -CUSINS. Well, I have something to say which is in the nature of a -confession. - -SARAH. { -LADY BRITOMART. { Confession! -BARBARA. { -STEPHEN. { - -LOMAX. Oh I say! - -CUSINS. Yes, a confession. Listen, all. Until I met Barbara I -thought myself in the main an honorable, truthful man, because I -wanted the approval of my conscience more than I wanted anything -else. But the moment I saw Barbara, I wanted her far more than -the approval of my conscience. - -LADY BRITOMART. Adolphus! - -CUSINS. It is true. You accused me yourself, Lady Brit, of -joining the Army to worship Barbara; and so I did. She bought my -soul like a flower at a street corner; but she bought it for -herself. - -UNDERSHAFT. What! Not for Dionysos or another? - -CUSINS. Dionysos and all the others are in herself. I adored what -was divine in her, and was therefore a true worshipper. But I was -romantic about her too. I thought she was a woman of the people, -and that a marriage with a professor of Greek would be far beyond -the wildest social ambitions of her rank. - -LADY BRITOMART. Adolphus!! - -LOMAX. Oh I say!!! - -CUSINS. When I learnt the horrible truth-- - -LADY BRITOMART. What do you mean by the horrible truth, pray? - -CUSINS. That she was enormously rich; that her grandfather was an -earl; that her father was the Prince of Darkness-- - -UNDERSHAFT. Chut! - -CUSINS.--and that I was only an adventurer trying to catch a rich -wife, then I stooped to deceive about my birth. - -LADY BRITOMART. Your birth! Now Adolphus, don't dare to make up a -wicked story for the sake of these wretched cannons. Remember: I -have seen photographs of your parents; and the Agent General for -South Western Australia knows them personally and has assured me -that they are most respectable married people. - -CUSINS. So they are in Australia; but here they are outcasts. -Their marriage is legal in Australia, but not in England. My -mother is my father's deceased wife's sister; and in this island -I am consequently a foundling. [Sensation]. Is the subterfuge -good enough, Machiavelli? - -UNDERSHAFT [thoughtfully] Biddy: this may be a way out of the -difficulty. - -LADY BRITOMART. Stuff! A man can't make cannons any the better -for being his own cousin instead of his proper self [she sits -down in the deck chair with a bounce that expresses her downright -contempt for their casuistry.] - -UNDERSHAFT [to Cusins] You are an educated man. That is against -the tradition. - -CUSINS. Once in ten thousand times it happens that the schoolboy -is a born master of what they try to teach him. Greek has not -destroyed my mind: it has nourished it. Besides, I did not learn -it at an English public school. - -UNDERSHAFT. Hm! Well, I cannot afford to be too particular: you -have cornered the foundling market. Let it pass. You are -eligible, Euripides: you are eligible. - -BARBARA [coming from the platform and interposing between Cusins -and Undershaft] Dolly: yesterday morning, when Stephen told us -all about the tradition, you became very silent; and you have -been strange and excited ever since. Were you thinking of your -birth then? - -CUSINS. When the finger of Destiny suddenly points at a man in -the middle of his breakfast, it makes him thoughtful. [Barbara -turns away sadly and stands near her mother, listening -perturbedly]. - -UNDERSHAFT. Aha! You have had your eye on the business, my young -friend, have you? - -CUSINS. Take care! There is an abyss of moral horror between me -and your accursed aerial battleships. - -UNDERSHAFT. Never mind the abyss for the present. Let us settle -the practical details and leave your final decision open. You -know that you will have to change your name. Do you object to -that? - -CUSINS. Would any man named Adolphus--any man called Dolly!-- -object to be called something else? - -UNDERSHAFT. Good. Now, as to money! I propose to treat you -handsomely from the beginning. You shall start at a thousand a -year. - -CUSINS. [with sudden heat, his spectacles twinkling with -mischief] A thousand! You dare offer a miserable thousand to -the son-in-law of a millionaire! No, by Heavens, Machiavelli! you -shall not cheat me. You cannot do without me; and I can do -without you. I must have two thousand five hundred a year for two -years. At the end of that time, if I am a failure, I go. But if I -am a success, and stay on, you must give me the other five -thousand. - -UNDERSHAFT. What other five thousand? - -CUSINS. To make the two years up to five thousand a year. The two -thousand five hundred is only half pay in case I should turn out -a failure. The third year I must have ten per cent on the -profits. - -UNDERSHAFT [taken aback] Ten per cent! Why, man, do you know what -my profits are? - -CUSINS. Enormous, I hope: otherwise I shall require twenty-five -per cent. - -UNDERSHAFT. But, Mr Cusins, this is a serious matter of business. -You are not bringing any capital into the concern. - -CUSINS. What! no capital! Is my mastery of Greek no capital? Is -my access to the subtlest thought, the loftiest poetry yet -attained by humanity, no capital? my character! my intellect! my -life! my career! what Barbara calls my soul! are these no -capital? Say another word; and I double my salary. - -UNDERSHAFT. Be reasonable-- - -CUSINS [peremptorily] Mr Undershaft: you have my terms. Take them -or leave them. - -UNDERSHAFT [recovering himself] Very well. I note your terms; and -I offer you half. - -CUSINS [disgusted] Half! - -UNDERSHAFT [firmly] Half. - -CUSINS. You call yourself a gentleman; and you offer me half!! - -UNDERSHAFT. I do not call myself a gentleman; but I offer you -half. - -CUSINS. This to your future partner! your successor! your -son-in-law! - -BARBARA. You are selling your own soul, Dolly, not mine. Leave me -out of the bargain, please. - -UNDERSHAFT. Come! I will go a step further for Barbara's sake. I -will give you three fifths; but that is my last word. - -CUSINS. Done! - -LOMAX. Done in the eye. Why, _I_ only get eight hundred, you -know. - -CUSINS. By the way, Mac, I am a classical scholar, not an -arithmetical one. Is three fifths more than half or less? - -UNDERSHAFT. More, of course. - -CUSINS. I would have taken two hundred and fifty. How you can -succeed in business when you are willing to pay all that money to -a University don who is obviously not worth a junior clerk's -wages!--well! What will Lazarus say? - -UNDERSHAFT. Lazarus is a gentle romantic Jew who cares for -nothing but string quartets and stalls at fashionable theatres. -He will get the credit of your rapacity in money matters, as he -has hitherto had the credit of mine. You are a shark of the first -order, Euripides. So much the better for the firm! - -BARBARA. Is the bargain closed, Dolly? Does your soul belong to -him now? - -CUSINS. No: the price is settled: that is all. The real tug of -war is still to come. What about the moral question? - -LADY BRITOMART. There is no moral question in the matter at all, -Adolphus. You must simply sell cannons and weapons to people -whose cause is right and just, and refuse them to foreigners and -criminals. - -UNDERSHAFT [determinedly] No: none of that. You must keep the -true faith of an Armorer, or you don't come in here. - -CUSINS. What on earth is the true faith of an Armorer? - -UNDERSHAFT. To give arms to all men who offer an honest price for -them, without respect of persons or principles: to aristocrat and -republican, to Nihilist and Tsar, to Capitalist and Socialist, to -Protestant and Catholic, to burglar and policeman, to black man -white man and yellow man, to all sorts and conditions, all -nationalities, all faiths, all follies, all causes and all -crimes. The first Undershaft wrote up in his shop IF GOD GAVE THE -HAND, LET NOT MAN WITHHOLD THE SWORD. The second wrote up ALL -HAVE THE RIGHT TO FIGHT: NONE HAVE THE RIGHT TO JUDGE. The third -wrote up TO MAN THE WEAPON: TO HEAVEN THE VICTORY. The fourth had -no literary turn; so he did not write up anything; but he sold -cannons to Napoleon under the nose of George the Third. The fifth -wrote up PEACE SHALL NOT PREVAIL SAVE WITH A SWORD IN HER HAND. -The sixth, my master, was the best of all. He wrote up NOTHING IS -EVER DONE IN THIS WORLD UNTIL MEN ARE PREPARED TO KILL ONE -ANOTHER IF IT IS NOT DONE. After that, there was nothing left for -the seventh to say. So he wrote up, simply, UNASHAMED. - -CUSINS. My good Machiavelli, I shall certainly write something up -on the wall; only, as I shall write it in Greek, you won't be -able to read it. But as to your Armorer's faith, if I take my -neck out of the noose of my own morality I am not going to put it -into the noose of yours. I shall sell cannons to whom I please -and refuse them to whom I please. So there! - -UNDERSHAFT. From the moment when you become Andrew Undershaft, -you will never do as you please again. Don't come here lusting -for power, young man. - -CUSINS. If power were my aim I should not come here for it. -YOU have no power. - -UNDERSHAFT. None of my own, certainly. - -CUSINS. I have more power than you, more will. You do not drive -this place: it drives you. And what drives the place? - -UNDERSHAFT [enigmatically] A will of which I am a part. - -BARBARA [startled] Father! Do you know what you are saying; or -are you laying a snare for my soul? - -CUSINS. Don't listen to his metaphysics, Barbara. The place is -driven by the most rascally part of society, the money hunters, -the pleasure hunters, the military promotion hunters; and he is -their slave. - -UNDERSHAFT. Not necessarily. Remember the Armorer's Faith. I will -take an order from a good man as cheerfully as from a bad one. If -you good people prefer preaching and shirking to buying my -weapons and fighting the rascals, don't blame me. I can make -cannons: I cannot make courage and conviction. Bah! You tire me, -Euripides, with your morality mongering. Ask Barbara: SHE -understands. [He suddenly takes Barbara's hands, and looks -powerfully into her eyes]. Tell him, my love, what power really -means. - -BARBARA [hypnotized] Before I joined the Salvation Army, I was in -my own power; and the consequence was that I never knew what to -do with myself. When I joined it, I had not time enough for all -the things I had to do. - -UNDERSHAFT [approvingly] Just so. And why was that, do you -suppose? - -BARBARA. Yesterday I should have said, because I was in the power -of God. [She resumes her self-possession, withdrawing her hands -from his with a power equal to his own]. But you came and showed -me that I was in the power of Bodger and Undershaft. Today I -feel--oh! how can I put it into words? Sarah: do you remember the -earthquake at Cannes, when we were little children?--how little -the surprise of the first shock mattered compared to the dread -and horror of waiting for the second? That is how I feel in this -place today. I stood on the rock I thought eternal; and without -a word of warning it reeled and crumbled under me. I was safe -with an infinite wisdom watching me, an army marching to -Salvation with me; and in a moment, at a stroke of your pen in a -cheque book, I stood alone; and the heavens were empty. That was -the first shock of the earthquake: I am waiting for the second. - -UNDERSHAFT. Come, come, my daughter! Don't make too much of your -little tinpot tragedy. What do we do here when we spend years of -work and thought and thousands of pounds of solid cash on a new -gun or an aerial battleship that turns out just a hairsbreadth -wrong after all? Scrap it. Scrap it without wasting another hour -or another pound on it. Well, you have made for yourself -something that you call a morality or a religion or what not. It -doesn't fit the facts. Well, scrap it. Scrap it and get one that -does fit. That is what is wrong with the world at present. It -scraps its obsolete steam engines and dynamos; but it won't scrap -its old prejudices and its old moralities and its old religions -and its old political constitutions. What's the result? In -machinery it does very well; but in morals and religion and -politics it is working at a loss that brings it nearer bankruptcy -every year. Don't persist in that folly. If your old religion -broke down yesterday, get a newer and a better one for tomorrow. - -BARBARA. Oh how gladly I would take a better one to my soul! But -you offer me a worse one. [Turning on him with sudden vehemence]. -Justify yourself: show me some light through the darkness of this -dreadful place, with its beautifully clean workshops, and -respectable workmen, and model homes. - -UNDERSHAFT. Cleanliness and respectability do not need -justification, Barbara: they justify themselves. I see no -darkness here, no dreadfulness. In your Salvation shelter I saw -poverty, misery, cold and hunger. You gave them bread and treacle -and dreams of heaven. I give from thirty shillings a week to -twelve thousand a year. They find their own dreams; but I look -after the drainage. - -BARBARA. And their souls? - -UNDERSHAFT. I save their souls just as I saved yours. - -BARBARA [revolted] You saved my soul! What do you mean? - -UNDERSHAFT. I fed you and clothed you and housed you. I took care -that you should have money enough to live handsomely--more than -enough; so that you could be wasteful, careless, generous. That -saved your soul from the seven deadly sins. - -BARBARA [bewildered] The seven deadly sins! - -UNDERSHAFT. Yes, the deadly seven. [Counting on his fingers] -Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability and children. -Nothing can lift those seven millstones from Man's neck but -money; and the spirit cannot soar until the millstones are -lifted. I lifted them from your spirit. I enabled Barbara to -become Major Barbara; and I saved her from the crime of poverty. - -CUSINS. Do you call poverty a crime? - -UNDERSHAFT. The worst of crimes. All the other crimes are virtues -beside it: all the other dishonors are chivalry itself by -comparison. Poverty blights whole cities; spreads horrible -pestilences; strikes dead the very souls of all who come within -sight, sound or smell of it. What you call crime is nothing: a -murder here and a theft there, a blow now and a curse then: what -do they matter? they are only the accidents and illnesses of -life: there are not fifty genuine professional criminals in -London. But there are millions of poor people, abject people, -dirty people, ill fed, ill clothed people. They poison us morally -and physically: they kill the happiness of society: they force us -to do away with our own liberties and to organize unnatural -cruelties for fear they should rise against us and drag us down -into their abyss. Only fools fear crime: we all fear poverty. -Pah! [turning on Barbara] you talk of your half-saved ruffian in -West Ham: you accuse me of dragging his soul back to perdition. -Well, bring him to me here; and I will drag his soul back again -to salvation for you. Not by words and dreams; but by -thirty-eight shillings a week, a sound house in a handsome -street, and a permanent job. In three weeks he will have a fancy -waistcoat; in three months a tall hat and a chapel sitting; -before the end of the year he will shake hands with a duchess at -a Primrose League meeting, and join the Conservative Party. - -BARBARA. And will he be the better for that? - -UNDERSHAFT. You know he will. Don't be a hypocrite, Barbara. He -will be better fed, better housed, better clothed, better -behaved; and his children will be pounds heavier and bigger. That -will be better than an American cloth mattress in a shelter, -chopping firewood, eating bread and treacle, and being forced to -kneel down from time to time to thank heaven for it: knee drill, -I think you call it. It is cheap work converting starving men -with a Bible in one hand and a slice of bread in the other. I -will undertake to convert West Ham to Mahometanism on the same -terms. Try your hand on my men: their souls are hungry because -their bodies are full. - -BARBARA. And leave the east end to starve? - -UNDERSHAFT [his energetic tone dropping into one of bitter and -brooding remembrance] I was an east ender. I moralized and -starved until one day I swore that I would be a fullfed free man -at all costs--that nothing should stop me except a bullet, -neither reason nor morals nor the lives of other men. I said -"Thou shalt starve ere I starve"; and with that word I became -free and great. I was a dangerous man until I had my will: now I -am a useful, beneficent, kindly person. That is the history of -most self-made millionaires, I fancy. When it is the history of -every Englishman we shall have an England worth living in. - -LADY BRITOMART. Stop making speeches, Andrew. This is not the -place for them. - -UNDERSHAFT [punctured] My dear: I have no other means of -conveying my ideas. - -LADY BRITOMART. Your ideas are nonsense. You got oil because you -were selfish and unscrupulous. - -UNDERSHAFT. Not at all. I had the strongest scruples about -poverty and starvation. Your moralists are quite unscrupulous -about both: they make virtues of them. I had rather be a thief -than a pauper. I had rather be a murderer than a slave. I don't -want to be either; but if you force the alternative on me, then, -by Heaven, I'll choose the braver and more moral one. I hate -poverty and slavery worse than any other crimes whatsoever. And -let me tell you this. Poverty and slavery have stood up for -centuries to your sermons and leading articles: they will not -stand up to my machine guns. Don't preach at them: don't reason -with them. Kill them. - -BARBARA. Killing. Is that your remedy for everything? - -UNDERSHAFT. It is the final test of conviction, the only lever -strong enough to overturn a social system, the only way of saying -Must. Let six hundred and seventy fools loose in the street; and -three policemen can scatter them. But huddle them together in a -certain house in Westminster; and let them go through certain -ceremonies and call themselves certain names until at last they -get the courage to kill; and your six hundred and seventy fools -become a government. Your pious mob fills up ballot papers and -imagines it is governing its masters; but the ballot paper that -really governs is the paper that has a bullet wrapped up in it. - -CUSINS. That is perhaps why, like most intelligent people, I -never vote. - -UNDERSHAFT Vote! Bah! When you vote, you only change the names of -the cabinet. When you shoot, you pull down governments, -inaugurate new epochs, abolish old orders and set up new. Is that -historically true, Mr Learned Man, or is it not? - -CUSINS. It is historically true. I loathe having to admit it. I -repudiate your sentiments. I abhor your nature. I defy you in -every possible way. Still, it is true. But it ought not to be -true. - -UNDERSHAFT. Ought, ought, ought, ought, ought! Are you going to -spend your life saying ought, like the rest of our moralists? -Turn your oughts into shalls, man. Come and make explosives with -me. Whatever can blow men up can blow society up. The history of -the world is the history of those who had courage enough to -embrace this truth. Have you the courage to embrace it, Barbara? - -LADY BRITOMART. Barbara, I positively forbid you to listen to -your father's abominable wickedness. And you, Adolphus, ought to -know better than to go about saying that wrong things are true. -What does it matter whether they are true if they are wrong? - -UNDERSHAFT. What does it matter whether they are wrong if they -are true? - -LADY BRITOMART [rising] Children: come home instantly. Andrew: I -am exceedingly sorry I allowed you to call on us. You are -wickeder than ever. Come at once. - -BARBARA [shaking her head] It's no use running away from wicked -people, mamma. - -LADY BRITOMART. It is every use. It shows your disapprobation of -them. - -BARBARA. It does not save them. - -LADY BRITOMART. I can see that you are going to disobey me. -Sarah: are you coming home or are you not? - -SARAH. I daresay it's very wicked of papa to make cannons; but I -don't think I shall cut him on that account. - -LOMAX [pouring oil on the troubled waters] The fact is, you know, -there is a certain amount of tosh about this notion of -wickedness. It doesn't work. You must look at facts. Not that I -would say a word in favor of anything wrong; but then, you see, -all sorts of chaps are always doing all sorts of things; and we -have to fit them in somehow, don't you know. What I mean is that -you can't go cutting everybody; and that's about what it comes -to. [Their rapt attention to his eloquence makes him nervous] -Perhaps I don't make myself clear. - -LADY BRITOMART. You are lucidity itself, Charles. Because Andrew -is successful and has plenty of money to give to Sarah, you will -flatter him and encourage him in his wickedness. - -LOMAX [unruffled] Well, where the carcase is, there will the -eagles be gathered, don't you know. [To Undershaft] Eh? What? - -UNDERSHAFT. Precisely. By the way, may I call you Charles? - -LOMAX. Delighted. Cholly is the usual ticket. - -UNDERSHAFT [to Lady Britomart] Biddy-- - -LADY BRITOMART [violently] Don't dare call me Biddy. Charles -Lomax: you are a fool. Adolphus Cusins: you are a Jesuit. -Stephen: you are a prig. Barbara: you are a lunatic. Andrew: you -are a vulgar tradesman. Now you all know my opinion; and my -conscience is clear, at all events [she sits down again with a -vehemence that almost wrecks the chair]. - -UNDERSHAFT. My dear,you are the incarnation of morality. [She -snorts]. Your conscience is clear and your duty done when you -have called everybody names. Come, Euripides! it is getting late; -and we all want to get home. Make up your mind. - -CUSINS. Understand this, you old demon-- - -LADY BRITOMART. Adolphus! - -UNDERSHAFT. Let him alone, Biddy. Proceed, Euripides. - -CUSINS. You have me in a horrible dilemma. I want Barbara. - -UNDERSHAFT. Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate the -difference between one young woman and another. - -BARBARA. Quite true, Dolly. - -CUSINS. I also want to avoid being a rascal. - -UNDERSHAFT [with biting contempt] You lust for personal -righteousness, for self-approval, for what you call a good -conscience, for what Barbara calls salvation, for what I call -patronizing people who are not so lucky as yourself. - -CUSINS. I do not: all the poet in me recoils from being a good -man. But there are things in me that I must reckon with: pity-- - -UNDERSHAFT. Pity! The scavenger of misery. - -CUSINS. Well, love. - -UNDERSHAFT. I know. You love the needy and the outcast: you love -the oppressed races, the negro, the Indian ryot, the Pole, the -Irishman. Do you love the Japanese? Do you love the Germans? Do -you love the English? - -CUSINS. No. Every true Englishman detests the English. We are the -wickedest nation on earth; and our success is a moral horror. - -UNDERSHAFT. That is what comes of your gospel of love, is it? - -CUSINS. May I not love even my father-in-law? - -UNDERSHAFT. Who wants your love, man? By what right do you take -the liberty of offering it to me? I will have your due heed and -respect, or I will kill you. But your love! Damn your -impertinence! - -CUSINS [grinning] I may not be able to control my affections, -Mac. - -UNDERSHAFT. You are fencing, Euripides. You are weakening: your -grip is slipping. Come! try your last weapon. Pity and love have -broken in your hand: forgiveness is still left. - -CUSINS. No: forgiveness is a beggar's refuge. I am with you -there: we must pay our debts. - -UNDERSHAFT. Well said. Come! you will suit me. Remember the words -of Plato. - -CUSINS [starting] Plato! You dare quote Plato to me! - -UNDERSHAFT. Plato says, my friend, that society cannot be saved -until either the Professors of Greek take to making gunpowder, or -else the makers of gunpowder become Professors of Greek. - -CUSINS. Oh, tempter, cunning tempter! - -UNDERSHAFT. Come! choose, man, choose. - -CUSINS. But perhaps Barbara will not marry me if I make the wrong -choice. - -BARBARA. Perhaps not. - -CUSINS [desperately perplexed] You hear-- - -BARBARA. Father: do you love nobody? - -UNDERSHAFT. I love my best friend. - -LADY BRITOMART. And who is that, pray? - -UNDERSHAFT. My bravest enemy. That is the man who keeps me up to -the mark. - -CUSINS. You know, the creature is really a sort of poet in his -way. Suppose he is a great man, after all! - -UNDERSHAFT. Suppose you stop talking and make up your mind, my -young friend. - -CUSINS. But you are driving me against my nature. I hate war. - -UNDERSHAFT. Hatred is the coward's revenge for being intimidated. -Dare you make war on war? Here are the means: my friend Mr Lomax -is sitting on them. - -LOMAX [springing up] Oh I say! You don't mean that this thing is -loaded, do you? My ownest: come off it. - -SARAH [sitting placidly on the shell] If I am to be blown up, the -more thoroughly it is done the better. Don't fuss, Cholly. - -LOMAX [to Undershaft, strongly remonstrant] Your own daughter, -you know. - -UNDERSHAFT. So I see. [To Cusins] Well, my friend, may we expect -you here at six tomorrow morning? - -CUSINS [firmly] Not on any account. I will see the whole -establishment blown up with its own dynamite before I will get up -at five. My hours are healthy, rational hours eleven to five. - -UNDERSHAFT. Come when you please: before a week you will come at -six and stay until I turn you out for the sake of your health. -[Calling] Bilton! [He turns to Lady Britomart, who rises]. My -dear: let us leave these two young people to themselves for a -moment. [Bilton comes from the shed]. I am going to take you -through the gun cotton shed. - -BILTON [barring the way] You can't take anything explosive in -here, Sir. - -LADY BRITOMART. What do you mean? Are you alluding to me? - -BILTON [unmoved] No, ma'am. Mr Undershaft has the other -gentleman's matches in his pocket. - -LADY BRITOMART [abruptly] Oh! I beg your pardon. [She goes into -the shed]. - -UNDERSHAFT. Quite right, Bilton, quite right: here you are. [He -gives Bilton the box of matches]. Come, Stephen. Come, Charles. -Bring Sarah. [He passes into the shed]. - -Bilton opens the box and deliberately drops the matches into the -fire-bucket. - -LOMAX. Oh I say! [Bilton stolidly hands him the empty box]. -Infernal nonsense! Pure scientific ignorance! [He goes in]. - -SARAH. Am I all right, Bilton? - -BILTON. You'll have to put on list slippers, miss: that's all. -We've got em inside. [She goes in]. - -STEPHEN [very seriously to Cusins] Dolly, old fellow, think. -Think before you decide. Do you feel that you are a sufficiently -practical man? It is a huge undertaking, an enormous -responsibility. All this mass of business will be Greek to you. - -CUSINS. Oh, I think it will be much less difficult than Greek. - -STEPHEN. Well, I just want to say this before I leave you to -yourselves. Don't let anything I have said about right and wrong -prejudice you against this great chance in life. I have satisfied -myself that the business is one of the highest character and a -credit to our country. [Emotionally] I am very proud of my -father. I-- [Unable to proceed, he presses Cusins' hand and goes -hastily into the shed, followed by Bilton]. - -Barbara and Cusins, left alone together, look at one another -silently. - -CUSINS. Barbara: I am going to accept this offer. - -BARBARA. I thought you would. - -CUSINS. You understand, don't you, that I had to decide without -consulting you. If I had thrown the burden of the choice on you, -you would sooner or later have despised me for it. - -BARBARA. Yes: I did not want you to sell your soul for me any -more than for this inheritance. - -CUSINS. It is not the sale of my soul that troubles me: I have -sold it too often to care about that. I have sold it for a -professorship. I have sold it for an income. I have sold it to -escape being imprisoned for refusing to pay taxes for hangmen's -ropes and unjust wars and things that I abhor. What is all human -conduct but the daily and hourly sale of our souls for trifles? -What I am now selling it for is neither money nor position nor -comfort, but for reality and for power. - -BARBARA. You know that you will have no power, and that he has -none. - -CUSINS. I know. It is not for myself alone. I want to make power -for the world. - -BARBARA. I want to make power for the world too; but it must be -spiritual power. - -CUSINS. I think all power is spiritual: these cannons will not go -off by themselves. I have tried to make spiritual power by -teaching Greek. But the world can never be really touched by a -dead language and a dead civilization. The people must have -power; and the people cannot have Greek. Now the power that is -made here can be wielded by all men. - -BARBARA. Power to burn women's houses down and kill their sons -and tear their husbands to pieces. - -CUSINS. You cannot have power for good without having power for -evil too. Even mother's milk nourishes murderers as well as -heroes. This power which only tears men's bodies to pieces has -never been so horribly abused as the intellectual power, the -imaginative power, the poetic, religious power that can enslave -men's souls. As a teacher of Greek I gave the intellectual man -weapons against the common man. I now want to give the common man -weapons against the intellectual man. I love the common people. I -want to arm them against the lawyer, the doctor, the priest, the -literary man, the professor, the artist, and the politician, who, -once in authority, are the most dangerous, disastrous, and -tyrannical of all the fools, rascals, and impostors. I want a -democratic power strong enough to force the intellectual -oligarchy to use its genius for the general good or else perish. - -BARBARA. Is there no higher power than that [pointing to the -shell]? - -CUSINS. Yes: but that power can destroy the higher powers just as -a tiger can destroy a man: therefore man must master that power -first. I admitted this when the Turks and Greeks were last at -war. My best pupil went out to fight for Hellas. My parting gift -to him was not a copy of Plato's Republic, but a revolver and a -hundred Undershaft cartridges. The blood of every Turk he shot-- -if he shot any--is on my head as well as on Undershaft's. That -act committed me to this place for ever. Your father's challenge -has beaten me. Dare I make war on war? I dare. I must. I will. -And now, is it all over between us? - -BARBARA [touched by his evident dread of her answer] Silly baby -Dolly! How could it be? - -CUSINS [overjoyed] Then you--you--you-- Oh for my drum! [He -flourishes imaginary drumsticks]. - -BARBARA [angered by his levity] Take care, Dolly, take care. Oh, -if only I could get away from you and from father and from it -all! if I could have the wings of a dove and fly away to heaven! - -CUSINS. And leave me! - -BARBARA. Yes, you, and all the other naughty mischievous children -of men. But I can't. I was happy in the Salvation Army for a -moment. I escaped from the world into a paradise of enthusiasm -and prayer and soul saving; but the moment our money ran short, -it all came back to Bodger: it was he who saved our people: he, -and the Prince of Darkness, my papa. Undershaft and Bodger: their -hands stretch everywhere: when we feed a starving fellow -creature, it is with their bread, because there is no other -bread; when we tend the sick, it is in the hospitals they endow; -if we turn from the churches they build, we must kneel on the -stones of the streets they pave. As long as that lasts, there is -no getting away from them. Turning our backs on Bodger and -Undershaft is turning our backs on life. - -CUSINS. I thought you were determined to turn your back on the -wicked side of life. - -BARBARA. There is no wicked side: life is all one. And I never -wanted to shirk my share in whatever evil must be endured, -whether it be sin or suffering. I wish I could cure you of -middle-class ideas, Dolly. - -CUSINS [gasping] Middle cl--! A snub! A social snub to ME! from -the daughter of a foundling! - -BARBARA. That is why I have no class, Dolly: I come straight out -of the heart of the whole people. If I were middle-class I should -turn my back on my father's business; and we should both live in -an artistic drawingroom, with you reading the reviews in one -corner, and I in the other at the piano, playing Schumann: both -very superior persons, and neither of us a bit of use. Sooner -than that, I would sweep out the guncotton shed, or be one of -Bodger's barmaids. Do you know what would have happened if you -had refused papa's offer? - -CUSINS. I wonder! - -BARBARA. I should have given you up and married the man who -accepted it. After all, my dear old mother has more sense than -any of you. I felt like her when I saw this place--felt that I -must have it--that never, never, never could I let it go; only -she thought it was the houses and the kitchen ranges and the -linen and china, when it was really all the human souls to be -saved: not weak souls in starved bodies, crying with gratitude or -a scrap of bread and treacle, but fullfed, quarrelsome, snobbish, -uppish creatures, all standing on their little rights and -dignities, and thinking that my father ought to be greatly -obliged to them for making so much money for him--and so he -ought. That is where salvation is really wanted. My father shall -never throw it in my teeth again that my converts were bribed -with bread. [She is transfigured]. I have got rid of the bribe of -bread. I have got rid of the bribe of heaven. Let God's work be -done for its own sake: the work he had to create us to do because -it cannot be done by living men and women. When I die, let him be -in my debt, not I in his; and let me forgive him as becomes a -woman of my rank. - -CUSINS. Then the way of life lies through the factory of death? - -BARBARA. Yes, through the raising of hell to heaven and of man to -God, through the unveiling of an eternal light in the Valley of -The Shadow. [Seizing him with both hands] Oh, did you think my -courage would never come back? did you believe that I was a -deserter? that I, who have stood in the streets, and taken my -people to my heart, and talked of the holiest and greatest things -with them, could ever turn back and chatter foolishly to -fashionable people about nothing in a drawingroom? Never, never, -never, never: Major Barbara will die with the colors. Oh! and I -have my dear little Dolly boy still; and he has found me my place -and my work. Glory Hallelujah! [She kisses him]. - -CUSINS. My dearest: consider my delicate health. I cannot stand -as much happiness as you can. - -BARBARA. Yes: it is not easy work being in love with me, is it? -But it's good for you. [She runs to the shed, and calls, -childlike] Mamma! Mamma! [Bilton comes out of the shed, followed -by Undershaft]. I want Mamma. - -UNDERSHAFT. She is taking off her list slippers, dear. [He passes -on to Cusins]. Well? What does she say? - -CUSINS. She has gone right up into the skies. - -LADY BRITOMART [coming from the shed and stopping on the steps, -obstructing Sarah, who follows with Lomax. Barbara clutches like -a baby at her mother's skirt]. Barbara: when will you learn to be -independent and to act and think for yourself? I know as well as -possible what that cry of "Mamma, Mamma," means. Always running -to me! - -SARAH [touching Lady Britomart's ribs with her finger tips and -imitating a bicycle horn] Pip! Pip! - -LADY BRITOMART [highly indignant] How dare you say Pip! pip! to -me, Sarah? You are both very naughty children. What do you want, -Barbara? - -BARBARA. I want a house in the village to live in with Dolly. -[Dragging at the skirt] Come and tell me which one to take. - -UNDERSHAFT [to Cusins] Six o'clock tomorrow morning, my young -friend. - - - -_________________________________________________________________ -The End of the Project Gutenberg Etext of Major Barbara by -Bernard Shaw - - diff --git a/old/mjbrb10.zip b/old/mjbrb10.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index c221a1e..0000000 --- a/old/mjbrb10.zip +++ /dev/null |