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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/3906.txt b/3906.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5a2b34a --- /dev/null +++ b/3906.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2129 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, Book VI. +by Jean Jacques Rousseau + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, Book VI. + +Author: Jean Jacques Rousseau + +Release Date: December 6, 2004 [EBook #3906] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ROUSSEAU *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU +(In 12 books) + +Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus Society + +London, 1903 + + + +BOOK VI. + + + Hoc erat in votis: Modus agri non ila magnus + Hortus ubi, et leclo vicinus aqua fons; + Et paululum sylvae superhis forel. + + +I cannot add, 'auctius acque di melius fecere'; but no matter, the former +is enough for my purpose; I had no occasion to have any property there, +it was sufficient that I enjoyed it; for I have long since both said and +felt, that the proprietor and possessor are two very different people, +even leaving husbands and lovers out of the question. + +At this moment began the short happiness of my life, those peaceful and +rapid moments, which have given me a right to say, I have lived. +Precious and ever--regretted moments! Ah! recommence your delightful +course; pass more slowly through my memory, if possible, than you +actually did in your fugitive succession. How shall I prolong, according +to my inclination, this recital at once so pleasing and simple? How +shall I continue to relate the same occurrences, without wearying my +readers with the repetition, any more than I was satiated with the +enjoyment? Again, if all this consisted of facts, actions, or words, I +could somehow or other convey an idea of it; but how shall I describe +what was neither said nor done, nor even thought, but enjoyed, felt, +without being able to particularize any other object of my happiness than +the bare idea? I rose with the sun, and was happy; I walked, and was +happy; I saw Madam de Warrens, and was happy; I quitted her, and still +was happy!--Whether I rambled through the woods, over the hills, or +strolled along the valley; read, was idle, worked in the garden, or +gathered fruits, happiness continually accompanied me; it was fixed on no +particular object, it was within me, nor could I depart from it a single +moment. + +Nothing that passed during that charming epocha, nothing that I did, +said, or thought, has escaped my memory. The time that preceded or +followed it, I only recollect by intervals, unequally and confused; but +here I remember all as distinctly as if it existed at this moment. +Imagination, which in my youth was perpetually anticipating the future, +but now takes a retrograde course, makes some amends by these charming +recollections for the deprivation of hope, which I have lost forever. +I no longer see anything in the future that can tempt my wishes, it is a +recollection of the past alone that can flatter me, and the remembrance +of the period I am now describing is so true and lively, that it +sometimes makes me happy, even in spite of my misfortunes. + +Of these recollections I shall relate one example, which may give some +idea of their force and precision. The first day we went to sleep at +Charmettes, the way being up-hill, and Madam de Warrens rather heavy, she +was carried in a chair, while I followed on foot. Fearing the chairmen +would be fatigued, she got out about half-way, designing to walk the rest +of it. As we passed along, she saw something blue in the hedge, and +said, "There's some periwinkle in flower yet!" I had never seen any +before, nor did I stop to examine this: my sight is too short to +distinguish plants on the ground, and I only cast a look at this as I +passed: an interval of near thirty years had elapsed before I saw any +more periwinkle, at least before I observed it, when being at Cressier in +1764, with my friend, M. du Peyrou, we went up a small mountain, on the +summit of which there is a level spot, called, with reason, 'Belle--vue', +I was then beginning to herbalize;--walking and looking among the bushes, +I exclaimed with rapture, "Ah, there's some periwinkle!" Du Peyrou, who +perceived my transport, was ignorant of the cause, but will some day be +informed: I hope, on reading this. The reader may judge by this +impression, made by so small an incident, what an effect must have been +produced by every occurrence of that time. + +Meantime, the air of the country did not restore my health; I was +languishing and became more so; I could not endure milk, and was obliged +to discontinue the use of it. Water was at this time the fashionable +remedy for every complaint; accordingly I entered on a course of it, and +so indiscreetly, that it almost released me, not only from my illness but +also from my life. The water I drank was rather hard and difficult to +pass, as water from mountains generally is; in short, I managed so well, +that in the course of two months I totally ruined my stomach, which until +that time had been very good, and no longer digesting anything properly, +had no reason to expect a cure. At this time an accident happened, as +singular in itself as in its subsequent consequences, which can only +terminate with my existence. + +One morning, being no worse than usual, while putting up the leaf of a +small table, I felt a sudden and almost inconceivable revolution +throughout my whole frame. I know not how to describe it better than as +a kind of tempest, which suddenly rose in my blood, and spread in a +moment over every part of my body. My arteries began beating so +violently that I not only felt their motion, but even heard it, +particularly that of the carotids, attended by a loud noise in my ears, +which was of three, or rather four, distinct kinds. For instance, first +a grave hollow buzzing; then a more distinct murmur, like the running of +water; then an extremely sharp hissing, attended by the beating I before +mentioned, and whose throbs I could easily count, without feeling my +pulse, or putting a hand to any part of my body. This internal tumult +was so violent that it has injured my auricular organs, and rendered me, +from that time, not entirely deaf, but hard of hearing. + +My surprise and fear may easily be conceived; imagining it was the stroke +of death, I went to bed, and the physician being sent for, trembling with +apprehension, I related my case; judging it past all cure. I believe the +doctor was of the same opinion; however he performed his office, running +over a long string of causes and effects beyond my comprehension, after +which, in consequence of this sublime theory, he set about, 'in anima +vili', the experimental part of his art, but the means he was pleased to +adopt in order to effect a cure were so troublesome, disgusting, and +followed by so little effect, that I soon discontinued it, and after some +weeks, finding I was neither better nor worse, left my bed, and returned +to my usual method of living; but the beating of my arteries and the +buzzing in my ears has never quitted me a moment during the thirty years' +time which has elapsed since that time. + +Till now, I had been a great sleeper, but a total privation of repose, +with other alarming symptoms which have accompanied it, even to this +time, persuaded me I had but a short time to live. This idea +tranquillized me for a time: I became less anxious about a cure, and +being persuaded I could not prolong life, determined to employ the +remainder of it as usefully as possible. This was practicable by a +particular indulgence of Nature, which, in this melancholy state, +exempted me from sufferings which it might have been supposed I should +have experienced. I was incommoded by the noise, but felt no pain, nor +was it accompanied by any habitual inconvenience, except nocturnal +wakefulness, and at all times a shortness of breath, which is not violent +enough to be called an asthma, but was troublesome when I attempted to +run, or use any degree of exertion. + +This accident, which seemed to threaten the dissolution of my body, only +killed my passions, and I have reason to thank Heaven for the happy +effect produced by it on my soul. I can truly say, I only began to live +when I considered myself as entering the grave; for, estimating at their +real value those things I was quitting; I began to employ myself on +nobler objects, namely by anticipating those I hoped shortly to have the +contemplation of, and which I had hitherto too much neglected. I had +often made light of religion, but was never totally devoid of it; +consequently, it cost me less pain to employ my thoughts on that subject, +which is generally thought melancholy, though highly pleasing to those +who make it an object of hope and consolation; Madam de Warrens, +therefore, was more useful to me on this occasion than all the +theologians in the world would have been. + +She, who brought everything into a system, had not failed to do as much +by religion; and this system was composed of ideas that bore no affinity +to each other. Some were extremely good, and others very ridiculous, +being made up of sentiments proceeding from her disposition, and +prejudices derived from education. Men, in general, make God like +themselves; the virtuous make Him good, and the profligate make Him +wicked; ill-tempered and bilious devotees see nothing but hell, because +they would willingly damn all mankind; while loving and gentle souls +disbelieve it altogether; and one of the astonishments I could never +overcome, is to see the good Fenelon speak of it in his Telemachus as if +he really gave credit to it; but I hope he lied in that particular, for +however strict he might be in regard to truth, a bishop absolutely must +lie sometimes. Madam de Warrens spoke truth with me, and that soul, made +up without gall, who could not imagine a revengeful and ever angry God, +saw only clemency and forgiveness, where devotees bestowed inflexible +justice, and eternal punishment. + +She frequently said there would be no justice in the Supreme Being should +He be strictly just to us; because, not having bestowed what was +necessary to render us essentially good, it would be requiring more than +he had given. The most whimsical idea was, that not believing in hell, +she was firmly persuaded of the reality of purgatory. This arose from +her not knowing what to do with the wicked, being loathed to damn them +utterly, nor yet caring to place them with the good till they had become +so; and we must really allow, that both in this world and the next, the +wicked are very troublesome company. + +It is clearly seen that the doctrine of original sin and the redemption +of mankind is destroyed by this system; consequently that the basis of +the Christian dispensation, as generally received, is shaken, and that +the Catholic faith cannot subsist with these principles; Madam de +Warrens, notwithstanding, was a good Catholic, or at least pretended to +be one, and certainly desired to become such, but it appeared to her that +the Scriptures were too literally and harshly explained, supposing that +all we read of everlasting torments were figurative threatenings, and the +death of Jesus Christ an example of charity, truly divine, which should +teach mankind to love God and each other; in a word, faithful to the +religion she had embraced, she acquiesced in all its professions of +faith, but on a discussion of each particular article, it was plain she +thought diametrically opposite to that church whose doctrines she +professed to believe. In these cases she exhibited simplicity of art, a +frankness more eloquent than sophistry, which frequently embarrassed her +confessor; for she disguised nothing from him. "I am a good Catholic," +she would say, "and will ever remain so; I adopt with all the powers of +my soul the decisions of our holy Mother Church; I am not mistress of my +faith, but I am of my will, which I submit to you without reserve; I will +endeavor to believe all,--what can you require more?" + +Had there been no Christian morality established, I am persuaded she +would have lived as if regulated by its principles, so perfectly did they +seem to accord with her disposition. She did everything that was +required; and she would have done the same had there been no such +requisition: but all this morality was subordinate to the principles of +M. Tavel, or rather she pretended to see nothing in religion that +contradicted them; thus she would have favored twenty lovers in a day, +without any idea of a crime, her conscience being no more moved in that +particular than her passions. I know that a number of devotees are not +more scrupulous, but the difference is, they are seduced by constitution, +she was blinded by her sophisms. In the midst of conversations the most +affecting, I might say the most edifying, she would touch on this +subject, without any change of air or manner, and without being sensible +of any contradiction in her opinions; so much was she persuaded that our +restrictions on that head are merely political, and that any person of +sense might interpret, apply, or make exceptions to them, without any +danger of offending the Almighty. + +Though I was far enough from being of the same opinion in this +particular, I confess I dared not combat hers; indeed, as I was situated, +it would have been putting myself in rather awkward circumstances, since +I could only have sought to establish my opinion for others, myself being +an exception. Besides, I entertained but little hopes of making her +alter hers, which never had any great influence on her conduct, and at +the time I am speaking of none; but I have promised faithfully to +describe her principles, and I will perform my engagement--I now return +to myself. + +Finding in her all those ideas I had occasion for to secure me from the +fears of death and its future consequences, I drew confidence and +security from this source; my attachment became warmer than ever, and I +would willingly have transmitted to her my whole existence, which seemed +ready to abandon me. From this redoubled attachment, a persuasion that I +had but a short time to live, and profound security on my future state, +arose an habitual and even pleasing serenity, which, calming every +passion that extends our hopes and fears, made me enjoy without +inquietude or concern the few days which I imagined remained for me. +What contributed to render them still snore agreeable was an endeavor to +encourage her rising taste for the country, by every amusement I could +possibly devise, wishing to attach her to her garden, poultry, pigeons, +and cows: I amused myself with them and these little occupations, which +employed my time without injuring my tranquillity, were more serviceable +than a milk diet, or all the remedies bestowed on my poor shattered +machine, even to effecting the utmost possible reestablishment of it. + +The vintage and gathering in our fruit employed the remainder of the +year; we became more and more attached to a rustic life, and the society +of our honest neighbors. We saw the approach of winter with regret, and +returned to the city as if going into exile. To me this return was +particularly gloomy, who never expected to see the return of spring, and +thought I took an everlasting leave of Charmettes. I did not quit it +without kissing the very earth and trees, casting back many a wishful +look as I went towards Chambery. + +Having left my scholars for so long a time, and lost my relish for the +amusements of the town, I seldom went out, conversing only with Madam de +Warrens and a Monsieur Salomon, who had lately become our physician. He +was an honest man, of good understanding, a great Cartesian, spoke +tolerably well on the system of the world, and his agreeable and +instructive conversations were more serviceable than his prescriptions. +I could never bear that foolish trivial mode of conversation which is so +generally adopted; but useful instructive discourse has always given me +great pleasure, nor was I ever backward to join in it. I was much +pleased with that of M. Salomon; it appeared to me, that when in his +company, I anticipated the acquisition of that sublime knowledge which my +soul would enjoy when freed from its mortal fetters. The inclination I +had for him extended to the subjects which he treated on, and I began to +look after books which might better enable me to understand his +discourse. Those which mingled devotion with science were most agreeable +to me, particularly Port Royal's Oratory, and I began to read or rather +to devour them. One fell into my hands written by Father Lami, called +'Entretiens sur les Sciences', which was a kind of introduction to the +knowledge of those books it treated of. I read it over a hundred times, +and resolved to make this my guide; in short, I found (notwithstanding my +ill state of health) that I was irresistibly drawn towards study, and +though looking on each day as the last of my life, read with as much +avidity as if certain I was to live forever. + +I was assured that reading would injure me; but on the contrary, I am +rather inclined to think it was serviceable, not only to my soul, but +also to my body; for this application, which soon became delightful, +diverted my thoughts from my disorders, and I soon found myself much less +affected by them. It is certain, however, that nothing gave me absolute +ease, but having no longer any acute pain, I became accustomed to +languishment and wakefulness; to thinking instead of acting; in short, I +looked on the gradual and slow decay of my body as inevitably progressive +and only to be terminated by death. + +This opinion not only detached me from all the vain cares of life, but +delivered me from the importunity of medicine, to which hitherto, I had +been forced to submit, though contrary to my inclination. Salomon, +convinced that his drugs were unavailing, spared me the disagreeable task +of taking them, and contented himself with amusing the grief of my poor +Madam de Warrens by some of those harmless preparations, which serve to +flatter the hopes of the patient and keep up the credit of the doctor. +I discontinued the strict regimen I had latterly observed, resumed the +use of wine, and lived in every respect like a man in perfect health, +as far as my strength would permit, only being careful to run into no +excess; I even began to go out and visit my acquaintance, particularly +M. de Conzie, whose conversation was extremely pleasing to me. Whether +it struck me as heroic to study to my last hour, or that some hopes of +life yet lingered in the bottom of my heart, I cannot tell, but the +apparent certainty of death, far from relaxing my inclination for +improvement, seemed to animate it, and I hastened to acquire knowledge +for the other world, as if convinced I should only possess that portion I +could carry with me. I took a liking to the shop of a bookseller, whose +name was Bouchard, which was frequented by some men of letters, and as +the spring (whose return I had never expected to see again) was +approaching, furnished myself with some books for Charmettes, in case I +should have the happiness to return there. + +I had that happiness, and enjoyed it to the utmost extent. The rapture +with which I saw the trees put out their first bud, is inexpressible! +The return of spring seemed to me like rising from the grave into +paradise. The snow was hardly off the ground when we left our dungeon +and returned to Charmettes, to enjoy the first warblings of the +nightingale. I now thought no more of dying, and it is really singular, +that from this time I never experienced any dangerous illness in the +country. I have suffered greatly, but never kept my bed, and have often +said to those about me, on finding myself worse than ordinary, "Should +you see me at the point of death, carry me under the shade of an oak, and +I promise you I shall recover." + +Though weak, I resumed my country occupations, as far as my strength +would permit, and conceived a real grief at not being able to manage our +garden without help; for I could not take five or six strokes with the +spade without being out of breath and overcome with perspiration; when I +stooped the beating redoubled, and the blood flew with such violence to +my head, that I was instantly obliged to stand upright. Being therefore +confined to less fatiguing employments, I busied myself about the dove +--house, and was so pleased with it that I sometimes passed several hours +there without feeling a moment's weariness. The pigeon is very timid and +difficult to tame, yet I inspired mine with so much confidence that they +followed me everywhere, letting me catch them at pleasure, nor could I +appear in the garden without having two or three on my arms or head in an +instant, and notwithstanding the pleasure I took in them, their company +became so troublesome that I was obliged to lessen the familiarity. I +have ever taken great pleasure in taming animals, particularly those that +are wild and fearful. It appeared delightful to me, to inspire them with +a confidence which I took care never to abuse, wishing them to love me +freely. + +I have already mentioned that I purchased some books: I did not forget to +read them, but in a manner more proper to fatigue than instruct me. +I imagined that to read a book profitably, it was necessary to be +acquainted with every branch of knowledge it even mentioned; far from +thinking that the author did not do this himself, but drew assistance +from other books, as he might see occasion. Full of this silly idea, I +was stopped every moment, obliged to run from one book to another, and +sometimes, before I could reach the tenth page of what I was studying, +found it necessary to turn over a whole library. I was so attached to +this ridiculous method, that I lost a prodigious deal of time and had +bewildered my head to such a degree, that I was hardly capable of doing, +seeing or comprehending anything. I fortunately perceived, at length, +that I was in the wrong road, which would entangle me in an inextricable +labyrinth, and quitted it before I was irrevocably lost. + +When a person has any real taste for the sciences, the first thing he +perceives in the pursuit of them is that connection by which they +mutually attract, assist, and enlighten each other, and that it is +impossible to attain one without the assistance of the rest. Though the +human understanding cannot grasp all, and one must ever be regarded as +the principal object, yet if the rest are totally neglected, the favorite +study is generally obscure; I was convinced that my resolution to improve +was good and useful in itself, but that it was necessary I should change +my method; I, therefore, had recourse to the encyclopaedia. I began by a +distribution of the general mass of human knowledge into its various +branches, but soon discovered that I must pursue a contrary course, that +I must take each separately, and trace it to that point where it united +with the rest: thus I returned to the general synthetical method, but +returned thither with a conviction that I was going right. Meditation +supplied the want of knowledge, and a very natural reflection gave +strength to my resolutions, which was, that whether I lived or died, I +had no time to lose; for having learned but little before the age of +five-and-twenty, and then resolving to learn everything, was engaging to +employ the future time profitably. I was ignorant at what point accident +or death might put a period to my endeavors, and resolved at all events +to acquire with the utmost expedition some idea of every species of +knowledge, as well to try my natural disposition, as to judge for myself +what most deserved cultivation. + +In the execution of my plan, I experienced another advantage which I had +never thought of; this was, spending a great deal of time profitably. +Nature certainly never meant me for study, since attentive application +fatigues me so much, that I find it impossible to employ myself half an +hour together intently on any one subject; particularly while following +another person's ideas, for it has frequently happened that I have +pursued my own for a much longer period with success. After reading a +few pages of an author with close application, my understanding is +bewildered, and should I obstinately continue, I tire myself to no +purpose, a stupefaction seizes me, and I am no longer conscious of what I +read; but in a succession of various subjects, one relieves me from the +fatigue of the other, and without finding respite necessary, I can follow +them with pleasure. + +I took advantage of this observation in the plan of my studies, taking +care to intermingle them in such a manner that I was never weary: it is +true that domestic and rural concerns furnished many pleasing +relaxations; but as my eagerness for improvement increased, I contrived +to find opportunities for my studies, frequently employing myself about +two things at the same time, without reflecting that both were +consequently neglected. + +In relating so many trifling details, which delight me, but frequently +tire my reader, I make use of the caution to suppress a great number, +though, perhaps, he would have no idea of this, if I did not take care to +inform him of it: for example, I recollect with pleasure all the +different methods I adopted for the distribution of my time, in such a +manner as to produce the utmost profit and pleasure. I may say, that the +portion of my life which I passed in this retirement, though in continual +ill-health, was that in which I was least idle and least wearied. Two or +three months were thus employed in discovering the bent of my genius; +meantime, I enjoyed, in the finest season of the year, and in a spot it +rendered delightful, the charms of a life whose worth I was so highly +sensible of, in such a society, as free as it was charming; if a union so +perfect, and the extensive knowledge I purposed to acquire, can be called +society. It seemed to me as if I already possessed the improvements I +was only in pursuit of: or rather better, since the pleasure of learning +constituted a great part of my happiness. + +I must pass over these particulars, which were to me the height of +enjoyment, but are too trivial to bear repeating: indeed, true happiness +is indescribable, it is only to be felt, and this consciousness of +felicity is proportionately more, the less able we are to describe it; +because it does not absolutely result from a concourse of favorable +incidents, but is an affection of the mind itself. I am frequently +guilty of repetitions, but should be infinitely more so, did I repeat the +same thing as often as it recurs with pleasure to my mind. When at +length my variable mode of life was reduced to a more uniform course, the +following was nearly the distribution of time which I adopted: I rose +every morning before the sun, and passed through a neighboring orchard +into a pleasant path, which, running by a vineyard, led towards Chambery. +While walking, I offered up my prayers, not by a vain motion of the lips, +but a sincere elevation of my heart, to the Great Author of delightful +nature, whose beauties were so charmingly spread out before me! I never +love to pray in a chamber; it seems to me that the walls and all the +little workmanship of man interposed between God and myself: I love to +contemplate Him in his works, which elevate my soul, and raise my +thoughts to Him. My prayers were pure, I can affirm it, and therefore +worthy to be heard:--I asked for myself and her from whom my thoughts +were never divided, only an innocent and quiet life, exempt from vice, +sorrow and want; I prayed that we might die the death of the just, and +partake of their lot hereafter: for the rest, it was rather admiration +and contemplation than request, being satisfied that the best means to +obtain what is necessary from the Giver of every perfect good, is rather +to deserve than to solicit. Returning from my walk, I lengthened the way +by taking a roundabout path, still contemplating with earnestness and +delight the beautiful scenes with which I was surrounded, those only +objects that never fatigue either the eye or the heart. As I approached +our habitation, I looked forward to see if Madam de Warrens was stirring, +and when I perceived her shutters open, I even ran with joy towards the +house: if they were yet shut I went into the garden to wait their +opening, amusing myself, meantime, by a retrospection of what I had read +the preceding evening, or in gardening. The moment the shutter drew back +I hastened to embrace her, frequently half asleep; and this salute, pure +as it was affectionate, even from its innocence, possessed a charm which +the senses can never bestow. We usually breakfasted on milk-coffee; this +was the time of day when we had most leisure, and when we chatted with +the greatest freedom. These sittings, which were usually pretty long, +have given me a fondness for breakfasts, and I infinitely prefer those of +England, or Switzerland, which are considered as a meal, at which all the +family assemble, than those of France, where they breakfast alone in +their several apartments, or more frequently have none at all. After an +hour or two passed in discourse, I went to my study till dinner; +beginning with some philosophical work, such as the logic of Port-Royal, +Locke's Essays, Mallebranche, Leibtnitz, Descartes, etc. I soon found +that these authors perpetually contradict each other, and formed the +chimerical project of reconciling them, which cost me much labor and loss +of time, bewildering my head without any profit. At length (renouncing +this idea) I adopted one infinitely more profitable, to which I attribute +all the progress I have since made, notwithstanding the defects of my +capacity; for 'tis certain I had very little for study. On reading each +author, I acquired a habit of following all his ideas, without suffering +my own or those of any other writer to interfere with them, or entering +into any dispute on their utility. I said to myself, "I will begin by +laying up a stock of ideas, true or false, but clearly conceived, till my +understanding shall be sufficiently furnished to enable me to compare and +make choice of those that are most estimable." I am sensible this method +is not without its inconveniences, but it succeeded in furnishing me with +a fund of instruction. Having passed some years in thinking after +others, without reflection, and almost without reasoning, I found myself +possessed of sufficient materials to set about thinking on my own +account, and when journeys of business deprived me of the opportunities +of consulting books, I amused myself with recollecting and comparing what +I had read, weighing every opinion on the balance of reason, and +frequently judging my masters. Though it was late before I began to +exercise my judicial faculties, I have not discovered that they had lost +their vigor, and on publishing my own ideas, have never been accused of +being a servile disciple or of swearing 'in verba magistri'. + +From these studies I passed to the elements of geometry, for I never went +further, forcing my weak memory to retain them by going the same ground a +hundred and a hundred times over. I did not admire Euclid, who rather +seeks a chain of demonstration than a connection of ideas: I preferred +the geometry of Father Lama, who from that time became one of my favorite +authors, and whose works I yet read with pleasure. Algebra followed, and +Father Lama was still my guide: when I made some progress, I perused +Father Reynaud's Science of Calculation, and then his Analysis +Demonstrated; but I never went far enough thoroughly to understand the +application of algebra to geometry. I was not pleased with this method +of performing operations by rule without knowing what I was about: +resolving geometrical problems by the help of equations seemed like +playing a tune by turning round a handle. The first time I found by +calculation that the square of a binocular figure was composed of the +square of each of its parts, and double the product of one by the other; +though convinced that my multiplication was right, I could not be +satisfied till I had made and examined the figure: not but I admire +algebra when applied to abstract quantities, but when used to demonstrate +dimensions, I wished to see the operation, and unless explained by lines, +could not rightly comprehend it. + +After this came Latin: it was my most painful study, and in which I never +made great progress. I began by Port-Royal's Rudiments, but without +success; I lost myself in a crowd of rules; and in studying the last +forgot all that preceded it. A study of words is not calculated for a +man without memory, and it was principally an endeavor to make my memory +more retentive, that urged me obstinately to persist in this study, which +at length I was obliged to relinquish. As I understood enough to read an +easy author by the aid of a dictionary, I followed that method, and found +it succeed tolerably well. I likewise applied myself to translation, not +by writing, but mentally, and by exercise and perseverance attained to +read Latin authors easily, but have never been able to speak or write +that language, which has frequently embarrassed me when I have found +myself (I know not by what means) enrolled among men of letters. + +Another inconvenience that arose from this manner of learning is, that I +never understood prosody, much less the rules of versification; yet, +anxious to understand the harmony of the language, both in prose and +verse, I have made many efforts to obtain it, but am convinced, that +without a master it is almost impossible. Having learned the composition +of the hexameter, which is the easiest of all verses, I had the patience +to measure out the greater part of Virgil into feet and quantity, and +whenever I was dubious whether a syllable was long or short, immediately +consulted my Virgil. It may easily be conceived that I ran into many +errors in consequence of those licenses permitted by the rules of +versification; and it is certain, that if there is an advantage in +studying alone, there are also great inconveniences and inconceivable +labor, as I have experienced more than any one. + +At twelve I quitted my books, and if dinner was not ready, paid my +friends, the pigeons, a visit, or worked in the garden till it was, and +when I heard myself called, ran very willingly, and with a good appetite +to partake of it, for it is very remarkable, that let me be ever so +indisposed my appetite never fails. We dined very agreeably, chatting +till Madam de Warrens could eat. Two or three times a week, when it was +fine, we drank our coffee in a cool shady arbor behind the house, that I +had decorated with hops, and which was very refreshing during the heat; +we usually passed an hour in viewing our flowers and vegetables, or in +conversation relative to our manner of life, which greatly increased the +pleasure of it. I had another little family at the end of the garden; +these were several hives of bees, which I never failed to visit once a +day, and was frequently accompanied by Madam de Warrens. I was greatly +interested in their labor, and amused myself seeing them return to the +hives, their little thighs so loaded with the precious store that they +could hardly walk. At first, curiosity made me indiscreet, and they +stung me several times, but afterwards, we were so well acquainted, that +let me approach as near as I would, they never molested me, though the +hives were full and the bees ready to swarm. At these times I have been +surrounded, having them on my hands and face without apprehending any +danger. All animals are distrustful of man, and with reason, but when +once assured he does not mean to injure them, their confidence becomes so +great that he must be worse than a barbarian who abuses it. + +After this I returned to my books; but my afternoon employment ought +rather to bear the name of recreation and amusement, than labor or study. +I have never been able to bear application after dinner, and in general +any kind of attention is painful to me during the heat of the day. I +employed myself, 'tis true, but without restraint or rule, and read +without studying. What I most attended to at these times, was history +and geography, and as these did not require intense application, made as +much progress in them as my weak memory would permit. I had an +inclination to study Father Petau, and launched into the gloom of +chronology, but was disgusted at the critical part, which I found had +neither bottom nor banks; this made me prefer the more exact measurement +of time by the course of the celestial bodies. I should even have +contracted a fondness for astronomy, had I been in possession of +instruments, but was obliged to content myself with some of the elements +of that art, learned from books, and a few rude observations made with a +telescope, sufficient only to give me a general idea of the situation of +the heavenly bodies; for my short sight is insufficient to distinguish +the stars without the help of a glass. + +I recollect an adventure on this subject, the remembrance of which has +often diverted me. I had bought a celestial planisphere to study the +constellations by, and, having fixed it on a frame, when the nights were +fine and the sky clear, I went into the garden; and fixing the frame on +four sticks, something higher than myself, which I drove into the ground, +turned the planisphere downwards, and contrived to light it by means of a +candle (which I put in a pail to prevent the wind from blowing it out) +and then placed in the centre of the above--mentioned four supporters; +this done, I examined the stars with my glass, and from time to time +referring to my planisphere, endeavored to distinguish the various +constellations. I think I have before observed that our garden was on a +terrace, and lay open to the road. One night, some country people +passing very late, saw me in a most grotesque habit, busily employed in +these observations: the light, which struck directly on the planisphere, +proceeding from a cause they could not divine (the candle being concealed +by the sides of the pail), the four stakes supporting a large paper, +marked over with various uncouth figures, with the motion of the +telescope, which they saw turning backwards and forwards, gave the whole +an air of conjuration that struck them with horror and amazement. My +figure was by no means calculated to dispel their fears; a flapped hat +put on over my nightcap, and a short cloak about my shoulder (which Madam +de Warrens had obliged me to put on) presented in their idea the image of +a real sorcerer. Being near midnight, they made no doubt but this was +the beginning of some diabolical assembly, and having no curiosity to pry +further into these mysteries, they fled with all possible speed, awakened +their neighbors, and described this most dreadful vision. The story +spread so fast that the next day the whole neighborhood was informed that +a nocturnal assembly of witches was held in the garden that belonged to +Monsieur Noiret, and I am ignorant what might have been the consequence +of this rumor if one of the countrymen who had been witness to my +conjurations had not the same day carried his complaint to two Jesuits, +who frequently came to visit us, and who, without knowing the foundation +of the story, undeceived and satisfied them. These Jesuits told us the +whole affair, and I acquainted them with the cause of it, which +altogether furnished us with a hearty laugh. However, I resolved for the +future to make my observations without light, and consult my planisphere +in the house. Those who have read Venetian magic, in the 'Letters from +the Mountain', may find that I long since had the reputation of being a +conjurer. + +Such was the life I led at Charmettes when I had no rural employments, +for they ever had the preference, and in those that did not exceed my +strength, I worked like a peasant; but my extreme weakness left me little +except the will; besides, as I have before observed, I wished to do two +things at once, and therefore did neither well. I obstinately persisted +in forcing my memory to retain a great deal by heart, and for that +purpose, I always carried some book with me, which, while at work, +I studied with inconceivable labor. I was continually repeating +something, and am really amazed that the fatigue of these vain and +continual efforts did not render me entirely stupid. I must have learned +and relearned the Eclogues of Virgil twenty times over, though at this +time I cannot recollect a single line of them. I have lost or spoiled a +great number of books by a custom I had of carrying them with me into the +dove-house, the garden, orchard or vineyard, when, being busy about +something else, I laid my book at the foot of a tree, on the hedge, or +the first place that came to hand, and frequently left them there, +finding them a fortnight after, perhaps, rotted to pieces, or eaten by +the ants or snails; and this ardor for learning became so far a madness +that it rendered me almost stupid, and I was perpetually muttering some +passage or other to myself. + +The writings of Port-Royal, and those of the Oratory, being what I most +read, had made me half a Jansenist, and, notwithstanding all my +confidence, their harsh theology sometimes alarmed me. A dread of hell, +which till then I had never much apprehended, by little and little +disturbed my security, and had not Madam de Warrens tranquillized my +soul, would at length have been too much for me. My confessor, who was +hers likewise, contributed all in his power to keep up my hopes. This +was a Jesuit, named Father Hemet; a good and wise old man, whose memory +I shall ever hold in veneration. Though a Jesuit, he had the simplicity +of a child, and his manners, less relaxed than gentle, were precisely +what was necessary to balance the melancholy impressions made on me by +Jansenism. This good man and his companion, Father Coppier, came +frequently to visit us at Charmette, though the road was very rough and +tedious for men of their age. These visits were very comfortable to me, +which may the Almighty return to their souls, for they were so old that I +cannot suppose them yet living. I sometimes went to see them at +Chambery, became acquainted at their convent, and had free access to the +library. The remembrance of that happy time is so connected with the +idea of those Jesuits, that I love one on account of the other, and +though I have ever thought their doctrines dangerous, could never find +myself in a disposition to hate them cordially. + +I should like to know whether there ever passed such childish notions in +the hearts of other men as sometimes do in mine. In the midst of my +studies, and of a life as innocent as man could lead, notwithstanding +every persuasion to the contrary, the dread of hell frequently tormented +me. I asked myself, "What state am I in? Should I die at this instant, +must I be damned?" According to my Jansenists the matter was +indubitable, but according to my conscience it appeared quite the +contrary: terrified and floating in this cruel uncertainty, I had +recourse to the most laughable expedient to resolve my doubts, for which +I would willingly shut up any man as a lunatic should I see him practise +the same folly. One day, meditating on this melancholy subject, +I exercised myself in throwing stones at the trunks of trees, with my +usual dexterity, that is to say, without hitting any of them. In the +height of this charming exercise, it entered my mind to make a kind of +prognostic, that might calm my inquietude; I said, "I will throw this +stone at the tree facing me; if I hit my mark, I will consider it as a +sign of salvation; if I miss, as a token of damnation." While I said +this, I threw the stone with a trembling hand and beating breast but so +happily that it struck the body of the tree, which truly was not a +difficult matter, for I had taken care to choose one that was very large +and very near me. From that moment I never doubted my salvation: I know +not on recollecting this trait, whether I ought to laugh or shudder at +myself. Ye great geniuses, who surely laugh at my folly, congratulate +yourselves on your superior wisdom, but insult not my unhappiness, for I +swear to you that I feel it most sensibly. + +These troubles, these alarms, inseparable, perhaps, from devotion, were +only at intervals; in general, I was tranquil, and the impression made on +my soul by the idea of approaching death, was less that of melancholy +than a peaceful languor, which even had its pleasures. I have found +among my old papers a kind of congratulation and exhortation which I made +to myself on dying at an age when I had the courage to meet death with +serenity, without having experienced any great evils, either of body or +mind. How much justice was there in the thought! A preconception of +what I had to suffer made me fear to live, and it seemed that I dreaded +the fate which must attend my future days. I have never been so near +wisdom as during this period, when I felt no great remorse for the past, +nor tormenting fear for the future; the reigning sentiment of my soul +being the enjoyment of the present. Serious people usually possess a +lively sensuality, which makes them highly enjoy those innocent pleasures +that are allowed them. Worldlings (I know not why) impute this to them +as a crime: or rather, I well know the cause of this imputation, it is +because they envy others the enjoyment of those simple and pure delights +which they have lost the relish of. I had these inclinations, and found +it charming to gratify them in security of conscience. My yet +inexperienced heart gave in to all with the calm happiness of a child, +or rather (if I dare use the expression) with the raptures of an angel; +for in reality these pure delights are as serene as those of paradise. +Dinners on the grass at Montagnole, suppers in our arbor, gathering in +the fruits, the vintage, a social meeting with our neighbors; all these +were so many holidays, in which Madam de Warrens took as much pleasure as +myself. Solitary walks afforded yet purer pleasure, because in them our +hearts expanded with greater freedom: one particularly remains in my +memory; it was on a St. Louis' day, whose name Madam de Warrens bore: we +set out together early and unattended, after having heard a mass at break +of day in a chapel adjoining our house, from a Carmelite, who attended +for that purpose. As I proposed walking over the hills opposite our +dwelling, which we had not yet visited, we sent our provisions on before; +the excursion being to last the whole day. Madam de Warrens, though +rather corpulent, did not walk ill, and we rambled from hill to hill and +wood to wood, sometimes in the sun, but oftener in the shade, resting +from time to time, and regardless how the hours stole away; speaking of +ourselves, of our union, of the gentleness of our fate, and offering up +prayers for its duration, which were never heard. Everything conspired +to augment our happiness: it had rained for several days previous to +this, there was no dust, the brooks were full and rapid, a gentle breeze +agitated the leaves, the air was pure, the horizon free from clouds, +serenity reigned in the sky as in our hearts. Our dinner was prepared at +a peasant's house, and shared with him and his family, whose benedictions +we received. These poor Savoyards are the worthiest of people! After +dinner we regained the shade, and while I was picking up bits of dried +sticks, to boil our coffee, Madam de Warrens amused herself with +herbalizing among the bushes, and with the flowers I had gathered for her +in my way. She made me remark in their construction a thousand natural +beauties, which greatly amused me, and which ought to have given me a +taste for botany; but the time was not yet come, and my attention was +arrested by too many other studies. Besides this, an idea struck me, +which diverted my thoughts from flowers and plants: the situation of my +mind at that moment, all that we had said or done that day, every object +that had struck me, brought to my remembrance the kind of waking dream I +had at Annecy seven or eight years before, and which I have given an +account of in its place. The similarity was so striking that it affected +me even to tears: in a transport of tenderness I embraced Madam de +Warrens. "My dearest friend," said I, "this day has long since been +promised me: I can see nothing beyond it: my happiness, by your means, +is at its height; may it never decrease; may it continue as long as I am +sensible of its value-then it can only finish with my life." + +Thus happily passed my days, and the more happily as I perceived nothing +that could disturb or bring them to a conclusion; not that the cause of +my former uneasiness had absolutely ceased, but I saw it take another +course, which I directed with my utmost care to useful objects, that the +remedy might accompany the evil. Madam de Warrens naturally loved the +country, and this taste did not cool while with me. By little and little +she contracted a fondness for rustic employments, wished to make the most +of her land, and had in that particular a knowledge which she practised +with pleasure. + +Not satisfied with what belonged to the house, she hired first a field, +then a meadow, transferring her enterprising humor to the objects of +agriculture, and instead of remaining unemployed in the house, was in the +way of becoming a complete farmer. I was not greatly pleased to see this +passion increase, and endeavored all I could to oppose it; for I was +certain she would be deceived, and that her liberal extravagant +disposition would infallibly carry her expenses beyond her profits; +however, I consoled myself by thinking the produce could not be useless, +and would at least help her to live. Of all the projects she could form, +this appeared the least ruinous: without regarding it, therefore, in the +light she did, as a profitable scheme, I considered it as a perpetual +employment, which would keep her from more ruinous enterprises, and out +of the reach of impostors. With this idea, I ardently wished to recover +my health and strength, that I might superintend her affairs, overlook +her laborers, or, rather, be the principal one myself. The exercise this +naturally obliged me to take, with the relaxation it procured me from +books and study, was serviceable to my health. + +The winter following, Barillot returning from Italy, brought me some +books; and among others, the 'Bontempi' and 'la Cartella per Musica', of +Father Banchieri; these gave me a taste for the history of music and for +the theoretical researches of that pleasing art. Barillot remained some +time with us, and as I had been of age some months, I determined to go to +Geneva the following spring, and demand my mother's inheritance, or at +least that part which belonged to me, till it could be ascertained what +had become of my brother. This plan was executed as it had been +resolved: I went to Geneva; my father met me there, for he had +occasionally visited Geneva a long time since, without its being +particularly noticed, though the decree that had been pronounced against +him had never been reversed; but being esteemed for his courage, and +respected for his probity, the situation of his affairs was pretended to +be forgotten; or perhaps, the magistrates, employed with the great +project that broke out some little time after, were not willing to alarm +the citizens by recalling to their memory, at an improper time, this +instance of their former partiality. + +I apprehended that I should meet with difficulties, on account of having +changed my religion, but none occurred; the laws of Geneva being less +harsh in that particular than those of Berne, where, whoever changes his +religion, not only loses his freedom, but his property. My rights, +however, were not disputed: but I found my patrimony, I know not how, +reduced to very little, and though it was known almost to a certainty +that my brother was dead, yet, as there was no legal proof, I could not +lay claim to his share, which I left without regret to my father, who +enjoyed it as long as he lived. No sooner were the necessary formalities +adjusted, and I had received my money, some of which I expended in books, +than I flew with the remainder to Madam de Warrens; my heart beat with +joy during the journey, and the moment in which I gave the money into her +hands, was to me a thousand times more delightful than that which gave it +into mine. She received this with a simplicity common to great souls, +who, doing similar actions without effort, see them without admiration; +indeed it was almost all expended for my use, for it would have been +employed in the same manner had it come from any other quarter. + +My health was not yet re-established; I decayed visibly, was pale as +death, and reduced to an absolute skeleton; the beating of my arteries +was extreme, my palpitations were frequent: I was sensible of a continual +oppression, and my weakness became at length so great, that I could +scarcely move or step without danger of suffocation, stoop without +vertigoes, or lift even the smallest weight, which reduced me to the most +tormenting inaction for a man so naturally stirring as myself. It is +certain my disorder was in a great measure hypochondriacal. The vapors +is a malady common to people in fortunate situations: the tears I +frequently shed, without reason; the lively alarms I felt on the falling +of a leaf, or the fluttering of a bird; inequality of humor in the calm +of a most pleasing life; lassitude which made me weary even of happiness, +and carried sensibility to extravagance, were an instance of this. We +are so little formed for felicity, that when the soul and body do not +suffer together, they must necessarily endure separate inconveniences, +the good state of the one being almost always injurious to the happiness +of the other. Had all the pleasure of life courted me, my weakened frame +would not have permitted the enjoyment of them, without my being able to +particularize the real seat of my complaint; yet in the decline of life; +after having encountered very serious and real evils, my body seemed to +regain its strength, as if on purpose to encounter additional +misfortunes; and, at the moment I write this, though infirm, near sixty, +and overwhelmed with every kind of sorrow, I feel more ability to suffer +than I ever possessed for enjoyment when in the very flower of my age, +and in the bosom of real happiness. + +To complete me, I had mingled a little physiology among my other +readings: I set about studying anatomy, and considering the multitude, +movement, and wonderful construction of the various parts that composed +the human machine; my apprehensions were instantly increased, I expected +to feel mine deranged twenty times a day, and far from being surprised to +find myself dying, was astonished that I yet existed! I could not read +the description of any malady without thinking it mine, and, had I not +been already indisposed, I am certain I should have become so from this +study. Finding in every disease symptoms similar to mine, I fancied I +had them all, and, at length, gained one more troublesome than any I yet +suffered, which I had thought myself delivered from; this was, a violent +inclination to seek a cure; which it is very difficult to suppress, when +once a person begins reading physical books. By searching, reflecting, +and comparing, I became persuaded that the foundation of my complaint was +a polypus at the heart, and Doctor Salomon appeared to coincide with the +idea. Reasonably this opinion should have confirmed my former resolution +of considering myself past cure; this, however, was not the case; on the +contrary; I exerted every power of my understanding in search of a remedy +for a polypus, resolving to undertake this marvellous cure. + +In a journey which Anet had made to Montpelier, to see the physical +garden there, and visit Monsieur Sauvages, the demonstrator, he had been +informed that Monsieur Fizes had cured a polypus similar to that I +fancied myself afflicted with: Madam de Warrens, recollecting this +circumstance, mentioned it to me, and nothing more was necessary to +inspire me with a desire to consult Monsieur Fizes. The hope of recovery +gave me courage and strength to undertake the journey; the money from +Geneva furnished the means; Madam de Warrens, far from dissuading, +entreated me to go: behold me, therefore, without further ceremony, set +out for Montpelier!--but it was not necessary to go so far to find the +cure I was in search of. + +Finding the motion of the horse too fatiguing, I had hired a chaise at +Grenoble, and on entering Moirans, five or six other chaises arrived in a +rank after mine. The greater part of these were in the train of a new +married lady called Madam du Colombier; with her was a Madam de Larnage, +not so young or handsome as the former, yet not less amiable. The bride +was to stop at Romans, but the other lady was to pursue her route as far +as Saint-Andiol, near the bridge du St. Esprit. With my natural timidity +it will not be conjectured that I was very ready at forming an +acquaintance with these fine ladies, and the company that attended them; +but travelling the same road, lodging at the same inns, and being obliged +to eat at the same table, the acquaintance seemed unavoidable, as any +backwardness on my part would have got me the character of a very +unsociable being: it was formed then, and even sooner than I desired, +for all this bustle was by no means convenient to a person in ill health, +particularly to one of my humor. Curiosity renders these vixens +extremely insinuating; they accomplish their design of becoming +acquainted with a man by endeavoring to turn his brain, and this was +precisely what happened to me. Madam du Colombier was too much +surrounded by her young gallants to have any opportunity of paying much +attention to me; besides, it was not worthwhile, as we were to separate +in so short a time; but Madam de Larnage (less attended to than her young +friend) had to provide herself for the remainder of the journey; behold +me, then, attacked by Madam de Larnage, and adieu to poor Jean Jacques, +or rather farewell to fever, vapors, and polypus; all completely vanished +when in her presence. The ill state of my health was the first subject +of our conversation; they saw I was indisposed, knew I was going to +Montpelier, but my air and manner certainly did not exhibit the +appearance of a libertine, since it was clear by what followed they did +not suspect I was going there for a reason that carries many that road. + +In the morning they sent to inquire after my health and invite me to take +chocolate with them, and when I made my appearance asked how I had passed +the night. Once, according to my praiseworthy custom of speaking without +thought, I replied, "I did not know," which answer naturally made them +conclude I was a fool: but, on questioning me further; the examination +turned out so far to my advantage, that I rather rose in their opinion, +and I once heard Madam du Colombier say to her friend, "He is amiable, +but not sufficiently acquainted with the world." These words were a +great encouragement, and assisted me in rendering myself agreeable. + +As we became more familiar, it was natural to give each other some little +account of whence we came and who we were: this embarrassed me greatly, +for I was sensible that in good company and among women of spirit, the +very name of a new convert would utterly undo me. I know not by what +whimsicallity I resolved to pass for an Englishman; however, in +consequence of that determination I gave myself out for a Jacobite, and +was readily believed. They called me Monsieur Dudding, which was the +name I assumed with my new character, and a cursed Marquis Torignan, who +was one of the company, an invalid like myself, and both old and ill +--tempered, took it in his head to begin a long conversation with me. He +spoke of King James, of the Pretender, and the old court of +St. Germain's; I sat on thorns the whole time, for I was totally +unacquainted with all these except what little I had picked up in the +account of Earl Hamilton, and from the gazettes; however, I made such +fortunate use of the little I did know as to extricate myself from this +dilemma, happy in not being questioned on the English language, which I +did not know a single word of. + +The company were all very agreeable; we looked forward to the moment of +separation with regret, and therefore made snails' journeys. We arrived +one Sunday at St. Marcelein's; Madam de Larnage would go to mass; I +accompanied her, and had nearly ruined all my affairs, for by my modest +reserved countenance during the service, she concluded me a bigot, and +conceived a very indifferent opinion of me, as I learned from her own +account two days after. It required a great deal of gallantry on my part +to efface this ill impression, or rather Madam de Larnage (who was not +easily disheartened) determined to risk the first advances, and see how I +should behave. She made several, but far from being presuming on my +figure, I thought she was making sport of me: full of this ridiculous +idea there was no folly I was not guilty of. + +Madam de Larnage persisted in such caressing behavior, that a much wiser +man than myself could hardly have taken it seriously. The more obvious +her advances were, the more I was confirmed in my mistake, and what +increased my torment, I found I was really in love with her. +I frequently said to myself, and sometimes to her, sighing, "Ah! why is +not all this real? then should I be the most fortunate of men." I am +inclined to think my stupidity did but increase her resolution, and make +her determined to get the better of it. + +We left Madam du Colombier at Romans; after which Madam de Larnage, the +Marquis de Torignan, and myself continued our route slowly, and in the +most agreeable manner. The marquis, though indisposed, and rather +ill-humored, was an agreeable companion, but was not best pleased at +seeing the lady bestow all her attentions on me, while he passed +unregarded; for Madam de Larnage took so little care to conceal her +inclination, that he perceived it sooner than I did, and his sarcasms +must have given me that confidence I could not presume to take from the +kindness of the lady, if by a surmise, which no one but myself could +have blundered on, I had not imagined they perfectly understood each +other, and were agreed to turn my passion into ridicule. This foolish +idea completed my stupidity, making me act the most ridiculous part, +while, had I listened to the feelings of my heart, I might have been +performing one far more brilliant. I am astonished that Madam de +Larnage was not disgusted at my folly, and did not discard me with +disdain; but she plainly perceived there was more bashfulness than +indifference in my composition. + +We arrived at Valence to dinner, and according to our usual custom passed +the remainder of the day there. We lodged out of the city, at the St. +James, an inn I shall never forget. After dinner, Madam de Larnage +proposed a walk; she knew the marquis was no walker, consequently, this +was an excellent plan for a tete-a-tete, which she was predetermined to +make the most of. While we were walking round the city by the side of +the moats, I entered on a long history of my complaint, to which she +answered in so tender an accent, frequently pressing my arm, which she +held to her heart, that it required all my stupidity not to be convinced +of the sincerity of her attachment. I have already observed that she was +amiable; love rendered her charming, adding all the loveliness of youth: +and she managed her advances with so much art, that they were sufficient +to have seduced the most insensible: I was, therefore, in very uneasy +circumstances, and frequently on the point of making a declaration; but +the dread of offending her, and the still greater of being laughed at, +ridiculed, made table-talk, and complimented on my enterprise by the +satirical marquis, had such unconquerable power over me, that, though +ashamed of my ridiculous bashfulness, I could not take courage to +surmount it. I had ended the history of my complaints, which I felt the +ridiculousness of at this time; and not knowing how to look, or what to +say, continued silent, giving the finest opportunity in the world for +that ridicule I so much dreaded. Happily, Madam de Larnage took a more +favorable resolution, and suddenly interrupted this silence by throwing +her arms round my neck, while, at the same instant, her lips spoke too +plainly on mine to be any longer misunderstood. This was reposing that +confidence in me the want of which has almost always prevented me from +appearing myself: for once I was at ease, my heart, eyes and tongue, +spoke freely what I felt; never did I make better reparation for my +mistakes, and if this little conquest had cost Madam de Larnage some +difficulties, I have reason to believe she did not regret them. + +Was I to live a hundred years, I should never forget this charming woman. +I say charming, for though neither young nor beautiful, she was neither +old nor ugly, having nothing in her appearance that could prevent her wit +and accomplishments from producing all their effects. It was possible to +see her without falling in love, but those she favored could not fail to +adore her; which proves, in my opinion, that she was not generally so +prodigal of her favors. It is true, her inclination for me was so sudden +and lively, that it scarce appears excusable; though from the short, but +charming interval I passed with her, I have reason to think her heart was +more influenced than her passions. + +Our good intelligence did not escape the penetration of the marquis; not +that he discontinued his usual raillery; on the contrary, he treated me +as a sighing, hopeless swain, languishing under the rigors of his +mistress; not a word, smile, or look escaped him by which I could imagine +he suspected my happiness; and I should have thought him completely +deceived, had not Madam de Larnage, who was more clear-sighted than +myself, assured me of the contrary; but he was a well-bred man, and it +was impossible to behave with more attention or greater civility, than he +constantly paid me (notwithstanding his satirical sallies), especially +after my success, which, as he was unacquainted with my stupidity, he +perhaps gave me the honor of achieving. It has already been seen that he +was mistaken in this particular; but no matter, I profited by his error, +for being conscious that the laugh was on my side, I took all his sallies +in good part, and sometimes parried them with tolerable success; for, +proud of the reputation of wit which Madam de Larnage had thought fit to +discover in me, I no longer appeared the same man. + +We were both in a country and season of plenty, and had everywhere +excellent cheer, thanks to the good cares of the marquis; though I would +willingly have relinquished this advantage to have been more satisfied +with the situation of our chambers; but he always sent his footman on to +provide them; and whether of his own accord, or by the order of his +master, the rogue always took care that the marquis' chamber should be +close by Madam de Larnage's, while mine was at the further end of the +house: but that made no great difference, or perhaps it rendered our +rendezvous the more charming; this happiness lasted four or five days, +during which time I was intoxicated with delight, which I tasted pure and +serene without any alloy; an advantage I could never boast before; and, +I may add, it is owing to Madam de Larnage that I did not go out of the +world without having tasted real pleasure. + +If the sentiment I felt for her was not precisely love, it was at least a +very tender return of what she testified for me; our meetings were so +delightful, that they possessed all the sweets of love; without that kind +of delirium which affects the brain, and even tends to diminish our +happiness. I never experienced true love but once in my life, and that +was not with Madam de Larnage, neither did I feel that affection for her +which I had been sensible of, and yet continued to possess, for Madam de +Warrens; but for this very reason, our tete-a-tetes were a hundred times +more delightful. When with Madam de Warrens, my felicity was always +disturbed by a secret sadness, a compunction of heart, which I found it +impossible to surmount. Instead of being delighted at the acquisition of +so much happiness, I could not help reproaching myself for contributing +to render her I loved unworthy: on the contrary, with Madam de Lamage, +I was proud of my happiness, and gave in to it without repugnance, while +my triumph redoubled every other charm. + +I do not recollect exactly where we quitted the marquis, who resided in +this country, but I know we were alone on our arrival at Montelimar, +where Madam de Larnage made her chambermaid get into my chaise, and +accommodate me with a seat in hers. It will easily be believed, that +travelling in this manner was by no means displeasing to me, and that I +should be very much puzzled to give any account of the country we passed +through. She had some business at Montelimar, which detained her there +two or three days; during this time she quitted me but one quarter of an +hour, for a visit she could not avoid, which embarrassed her with a +number of invitations she had no inclination to accept, and therefore +excused herself by pleading some indisposition; though she took care this +should not prevent our walking together every day, in the most charming +country, and under the finest sky imaginable. Oh! these three days! +what reason have I to regret them! Never did such happiness return +again. + +The amours of a journey cannot be very durable: it was necessary we +should part, and I must confess it was almost time; not that I was weary +of my happiness, but I might as well have been. We endeavored to comfort +each other for the pain of parting, by forming plans for our reunion; and +it was concluded, that after staying five or six weeks at Montpelier +(which would give Madam de Larnage time to prepare for my reception in +such a manner as to prevent scandal) I should return to Saint-Andiol, and +spend the winter under her direction. She gave me ample instruction on +what it was necessary I should know, on what it would be proper to say; +and how I should conduct myself. She spoke much and earnestly on the +care of my health, conjured me to consult skilful physicians, and be +attentive and exact in following their prescriptions whatever they might +happen to be. I believe her concern was sincere, for she loved me, and +gave proofs of her affection less equivocal than the prodigality of her +favors; for judging by my mode of travelling, that I was not in very +affluent circumstances (though not rich herself), on our parting, she +would have had me share the contents of her purse, which she had brought +pretty well furnished from Grenoble, and it was with great difficulty I +could make her put up with a denial. In a word, we parted; my heart full +of her idea, and leaving in hers (if I am not mistaken) a firm attachment +to me. + +While pursuing the remainder of my journey, remembrance ran over +everything that had passed from the commencement of it, and I was well +satisfied at finding myself alone in a comfortable chaise, where I could +ruminate at ease on the pleasures I had enjoyed, and those which awaited +my return. I only thought of Saint-Andiol; of the life I was to lead +there; I saw nothing but Madam de Larnage, or what related to her; the +whole universe besides was nothing to me--even Madam de Warrens was +forgotten!--I set about combining all the details by which Madam de +Larnage had endeavored to give me in advance an idea of her house, of the +neighborhood, of her connections, and manner of life, finding everything +charming. + +She had a daughter, whom she had often described in the warmest terms of +maternal affection: this daughter was fifteen lively, charming, and of an +amiable disposition. Madam de Larnage promised me her friendship; I had +not forgotten that promise, and was curious to know how Mademoiselle de +Larnage would treat her mother's 'bon ami'. These were the subjects of +my reveries from the bridge of St. Esprit to Remoulin: I had been advised +to visit the Pont-du-Gard; hitherto I had seen none of the remaining +monuments of Roman magnificence, and I expected to find this worthy the +hands by which it was constructed; for once, the reality surpassed my +expectation; this was the only time in my life it ever did so, and the +Romans alone could have produced that effect. The view of this noble and +sublime work, struck me the more forcibly, from being in the midst of a +desert, where silence and solitude render the majestic edifice more +striking, and admiration more lively, for though called a bridge it is +nothing more than an aqueduct. One cannot help exclaiming, what strength +could have transported these enormous stones so far from any quarry? And +what motive could have united the labors of so many millions of men, in a +place that no one inhabited? I remained here whole hours, in the most +ravishing contemplation, and returned pensive and thoughtful to my inn. +This reverie was by no means favorable to Madam de Larnage; she had taken +care to forewarn me against the girls of Montpelier, but not against the +Pont-du-Gard--it is impossible to provide for every contingency. + +On my arrival at Nismes, I went to see the amphitheatre, which is a far +more magnificent work than even the Pont-du-Gard, yet it made a much less +impression on me, perhaps, because my admiration had been already +exhausted on the former object; or that the situation of the latter, in +the midst of a city, was less proper to excite it. This vast and superb +circus is surrounded by small dirty houses, while yet smaller and dirtier +fill up the area, in such a manner that the whole produces an unequal and +confused effect, in which regret and indignation stifle pleasure and +surprise. The amphitheatre at Verona is a vast deal smaller, and less +beautiful than that at Nismes, but preserved with all possible care and +neatness, by which means alone it made a much stronger and more agreeable +impression on me. The French pay no regard to these things, respect no +monument of antiquity; ever eager to undertake, they never finish, nor +preserve anything that is already finished to their hands. + +I was so much better, and had gained such an appetite by exercise, that I +stopped a whole day at Pont-du-Lunel, for the sake of good entertainment +and company, this being deservedly esteemed at that time the best inn in +Europe; for those who kept it, knowing how to make its fortunate +situation turn to advantage, took care to provide both abundance and +variety. It was really curious to find in a lonely country-house, a +table every day furnished with sea and fresh-water fish, excellent game, +and choice wines, served up with all the attention and care, which are +only to be expected among the great or opulent, and all this for thirty +five sous each person: but the Pont-du-Lunel did not long remain on this +footing, for the proprietor, presuming too much on its reputation, at +length lost it entirely. + +During this journey, I really forgot my complaints, but recollected them +again on my arrival at Montpelier. My vapors were absolutely gone, but +every other complaint remained, and though custom had rendered them less +troublesome, they were still sufficient to make any one who had been +suddenly seized with them, suppose himself attacked by some mortal +disease. In effect they were rather alarming than painful, and made the +mind suffer more than the body, though it apparently threatened the +latter with destruction. While my attention was called off by the +vivacity of my passions, I paid no attention to my health; but as my +complaints were not altogether imaginary, I thought of them seriously +when the tumult had subsided. Recollecting the salutary advice of Madam +de Larnage, and the cause of my journey, I consulted the most famous +practitioners, particularly Monsieur Fizes; and through superabundance of +precaution boarded at a doctor's who was an Irishman, and named +Fitz-Morris. + +This person boarded a number of young gentlemen who were studying physic; +and what rendered his house very commodious for an invalid, he contented +himself with a moderate pension for provisions, lodging, etc., and took +nothing of his boarders for attendance as a physician. He even undertook +to execute the orders of M. Fizes, and endeavored to re-establish my +health. He certainly acquitted himself very well in this employment; as +to regimen, indigestions were not to be gained at his table; and though I +am not much hurt at privations of that kind, the objects of comparison +were so near, that I could not help thinking with myself sometimes, that +M. de Torignan was a much better provider than M. Fitz-Morris; +notwithstanding, as there was no danger of, dying with hunger, and all +the youths were gay and good-humored, I believe this manner of living was +really serviceable, and prevented my falling into those languors I had +latterly been so subject to. I passed the morning in taking medicines, +particularly, I know not what kind of waters, but believe they were those +of Vals, and in writing to Madam de Larnage: for the correspondence was +regularly kept up, and Rousseau kindly undertook to receive these letters +for his good friend Dudding. At noon I took a walk to the Canourgue, +with some of our young boarders, who were all very good lads; after this +we assembled for dinner; when this was over, an affair of importance +employed the greater part of us till night; this was going a little way +out of town to take our afternoon's collation, and make up two or three +parties at mall, or mallet. As I had neither strength nor skill, I did +not play myself but I betted on the game, and, interested for the success +of my wager, followed the players and their balls over rough and stony +roads, procuring by this means both an agreeable and salutary exercise. +We took our afternoon's refreshment at an inn out of the city. I need +not observe that these meetings were extremely merry, but should not omit +that they were equally innocent, though the girls of the house were very +pretty. M. Fitz-Morris (who was a great mall player himself) was our +president; and I must observe, notwithstanding the imputation of wildness +that is generally bestowed on students, that I found more virtuous +dispositions among these youths than could easily be found among an equal +number of men: they were rather noisy than fond of wine, and more merry +than libertine. + +I accustomed myself so much to this mode of life, and it accorded so +entirely with my humor, that I should have been very well content with a +continuance of it. Several of my fellow-boarders were Irish, from whom I +endeavored to learn some English words, as a precaution for Saint-Andiol. +The time now drew near for my departure; every letter Madam de Larnage +wrote, she entreated me not to delay it, and at length I prepared to obey +her. + +I was convinced that the physicians (who understood nothing of my +disorder) looked on my complaint as imaginary, and treated me +accordingly, with their waters and whey. In this respect physicians and +philosophers differ widely from theologians; admitting the truth only of +what they can explain, and making their knowledge the measure of +possibilities. These gentlemen understood nothing of my illness, +therefore concluded I could not be ill; and who would presume to doubt +the profound skill of a physician? I plainly saw they only meant to +amuse, and make me swallow my money; and judging their substitute at +Saint-Andiol would do me quite as much service, and be infinitely more +agreeable, I resolved to give her the preference; full, therefore, of +this wise resolution, I quitted Montpelier. + +I set off towards the end of November, after a stay of six weeks or two +months in that city, where I left a dozen louis, without either my health +or understanding being the better for it, except from a short course of +anatomy begun under M. Fitz-Morris, which I was soon obliged to abandon, +from the horrid stench of the bodies he dissected, which I found it +impossible to endure. + +Not thoroughly satisfied in my own mind on the rectitude of this +expedition, as I advanced towards the Bridge of St. Esprit (which was +equally the road to Saint-Andiol and to Chambery) I began to reflect on +Madam de Warrens, the remembrance of whose letters, though less frequent +than those from Madam de Larnage, awakened in my heart a remorse that +passion had stifled in the first part of my journey, but which became so +lively on my return, that, setting just estimate on the love of pleasure, +I found myself in such a situation of mind that I could listen wholly to +the voice of reason. Besides, in continuing to act the part of an +adventurer, I might be less fortunate than I had been in the beginning; +for it was only necessary that in all Saint-Andiol there should be one +person who had been in England, or who knew the English or anything of +their language, to prove me an impostor. The family of Madam de Larnage +might not be pleased with me, and would, perhaps, treat me unpolitely; +her daughter too made me uneasy, for, spite of myself, I thought more of +her than was necessary. I trembled lest I should fall in love with this +girl, and that very fear had already half done the business. Was I +going, in return for the mother's kindness, to seek the ruin of the +daughter? To sow dissension, dishonor, scandal, and hell itself, in her +family? The very idea struck me with horror, and I took the firmest +resolution to combat and vanquish this unhappy attachment, should I be so +unfortunate as to experience it. But why expose myself to this danger? +How miserable must the situation be to live with the mother, whom I +should be weary of, and sigh for the daughter, without daring to make +known my affection! What necessity was there to seek this situation, and +expose myself to misfortunes, affronts and remorse, for the sake of +pleasures whose greatest charm was already exhausted? For I was sensible +this attachment had lost its first vivacity. With these thoughts were +mingled reflections relative to my situation and duty to that good and +generous friend, who already loaded with debts, would become more so from +the foolish expenses I was running into, and whom I was deceiving so +unworthily. This reproach at length became so keen that it triumphed +over every temptation, and on approaching the bridge of St. Esprit I +formed the resolution to burn my whole magazine of letters from +Saint-Andiol, and continue my journey right forward to Chambery. + +I executed this resolution courageously, with some sighs I confess, but +with the heart-felt satisfaction, which I enjoyed for the first time in +my life, of saying, "I merit my own esteem, and know how to prefer duty +to pleasure." This was the first real obligation I owed my books, since +these had taught me to reflect and compare. After the virtuous +principles I had so lately adopted, after all the rules of wisdom and +honor I had proposed to myself, and felt so proud to follow, the shame of +possessing so little stability, and contradicting so egregiously my own +maxims, triumphed over the allurements of pleasure. Perhaps, after all, +pride had as much share in my resolution as virtue; but if this pride is +not virtue itself, its effects are so similar that we are pardonable in +deceiving ourselves. + +One advantage resulting from good actions is that they elevate the soul +to a disposition of attempting still better; for such is human weakness, +that we must place among our good deeds an abstinence from those crimes +we are tempted to commit. No sooner was my resolution confirmed than I +became another man, or rather, I became what I was before I had erred, +and saw in its true colors what the intoxication of the moment had either +concealed or disguised. Full of worthy sentiments and wise resolutions, +I continued my journey, intending to regulate my future conduct by the +laws of virtue, and dedicate myself without reserve to that best of +friends, to whom I vowed as much fidelity in future as I felt real +attachment. The sincerity of this return to virtue appeared to promise a +better destiny; but mine, alas! was fixed, and already begun: even at +the very moment when my heart, full of good and virtuous sentiments, was +contemplating only innocence and happiness through life, I touched on the +fatal period that was to draw after it the long chain of my misfortunes! + +My impatience to arrive at Chambery had made me use more diligence than I +meant to do. I had sent a letter from Valence, mentioning the day and +hour I should arrive, but I had gained half a day on this calculation, +which time I passed at Chaparillan, that I might arrive exactly at the +time I mentioned. I wished to enjoy to its full extent the pleasure of +seeing her, and preferred deferring this happiness a little, that +expectancy might increase the value of it. This precaution had always +succeeded; hitherto my arrival had caused a little holiday; I expected no +less this time, and these preparations, so dear to me, would have been +well worth the trouble of contriving them. + +I arrived then exactly at the hour, and while at a considerable distance, +looked forward with an expectancy of seeing her on the road to meet me. +The beating of my heart increased as I drew near the house; at length I +arrived, quite out of breath; for I had left my chaise in the town. I +see no one in the garden, at the door, or at the windows; I am seized +with terror, fearful that some accident has happened. I enter; all is +quiet; the laborers are eating their luncheon in the kitchen, and far +from observing any preparation, the servants seem surprised to see me, +not knowing I was expected. I go up--stairs, at length see her!--that +dear friend! so tenderly, truly, and entirely beloved. I instantly ran +towards her, and threw myself at her feet. "Ah! child!" said she, "art +thou returned then!" embracing me at the same time. "Have you had a +good journey? How do you do?" This reception amused me for some +moments. I then asked, whether she had received my letter? she answered +"Yes."--"I should have thought not," replied I; and the information +concluded there. A young man was with her at this time. I recollected +having seen him in the house before my departure, but at present he +seemed established there; in short, he was so; I found my place already +supplied! + +This young man came from the country of Vaud; his father, named +Vintzenried, was keeper of the prison, or, as he expressed himself, +Captain of the Castle of Chillon. This son of the captain was a +journeyman peruke-maker, and gained his living in that capacity when he +first presented himself to Madam de Warrens, who received him kindly, as +she did all comers, particularly those from her own country. He was a +tall, fair, silly youth; well enough made, with an unmeaning face, and a +mind of the same description, speaking always like the beau in a comedy, +and mingling the manners and customs of his former situation with a long +history of his gallantry and success; naming, according to his account, +not above half the marchionesses who had favored him and pretending never +to have dressed the head of a pretty woman, without having likewise +decorated her husband's; vain, foolish, ignorant and insolent; such was +the worthy substitute taken in my absence, and the companion offered me +on my return! + +O! if souls disengaged from their terrestrial bonds, yet view from the +bosom of eternal light what passes here below, pardon, dear and +respectable shade, that I show no more favor to your failings than my +own, but equally unveil both. I ought and will be just to you as to +myself; but how much less will you lose by this resolution than I shall! +How much do your amiable and gentle disposition, your inexhaustible +goodness of heart, your frankness and other amiable virtues, compensate +for your foibles, if a subversion of reason alone can be called such. +You had errors, but not vices; your conduct was reprehensible, but your +heart was ever pure. + +The new-comer had shown himself zealous and exact in all her little +commissions, which were ever numerous, and he diligently overlooked the +laborers. As noisy and insolent as I was quiet and forbearing, he was +seen or rather heard at the plough, in the hay-loft, wood-house, stable, +farm-yard, at the same instant. He neglected the gardening, this labor +being too peaceful and moderate; his chief pleasure was to load or drive +the cart, to saw or cleave wood; he was never seen without a hatchet or +pick-axe in his hand, running, knocking and hallooing with all his might. +I know not how many men's labor he performed, but he certainly made noise +enough for ten or a dozen at least. All this bustle imposed on poor +Madam de Warrens; she thought this young man a treasure, and, willing to +attach him to herself, employed the means she imagined necessary for that +purpose, not forgetting what she most depended on, the surrender of her +person. + +Those who have thus far read this work should be able to form some +judgment of my heart; its sentiments were the most constant and sincere, +particularly those which had brought me back to Chambery; what a sudden +and complete overthrow was this to my whole being! but to judge fully of +this, the reader must place himself for a moment in my situation. I saw +all the future felicity I had promised myself vanish in a moment; all the +charming ideas I had indulged so affectionately, disappear entirely; and +I, who even from childhood had not been able to consider my existence for +a moment as separate from hers, for the first time saw myself utterly +alone. This moment was dreadful, and those that succeeded it were ever +gloomy. I was yet young, but the pleasing sentiments of enjoyment and +hope, which enliven youth, were extinguished. From that hour my +existence seemed half annihilated. I contemplated in advance the +melancholy remains of an insipid life, and if at any time an image of +happiness glanced through my mind, it was not that which appeared natural +to me, and I felt that even should I obtain it I must still be wretched. + +I was so dull of apprehension, and my confidence in her was so great, +that, notwithstanding the familiar tone of the new-comer, which I looked +on as an effect of the easy disposition of Madam de Warrens, which +rendered her free with everyone, I never should have suspected his real +situation had not she herself informed me of it; but she hastened to make +this avowal with a freedom calculated to inflame me with resentment, +could my heart have turned to that point. Speaking of this connection as +quite immaterial with respect to herself, she reproached me with +negligence in the care of the family, and mentioned my frequent absence, +as though she had been in haste to supply my place. "Ah!" said I, my +heart bursting with the most poignant grief, "what do you dare to inform +me of? Is this the reward of an attachment like mine? Have you so many +times preserved my life, for the sole purpose of taking from me all that +could render it desirable? Your infidelity will bring me to the grave, +but you will regret my loss!" She answered with a tranquillity +sufficient to distract me, that I talked like a child; that people did +not die from such slight causes; that our friendship need be no less +sincere, nor we any less intimate, for that her tender attachment to me +could neither diminish nor end but with herself; in a word she gave me to +understand that my happiness need not suffer any decrease from the good +fortune of this new favorite. + +Never did the purity, truth and force of my attachment to her appear more +evident; never did I feel the sincerity and honesty of my soul more +forcibly, than at that moment. I threw myself at her feet, embracing her +knees with torrents of tears. "No, madam," replied I, with the most +violent agitation, "I love you too much to disgrace you thus far, and too +truly to share you; the regret that accompanied the first acquisition of +your favors has continued to increase with my affection. I cannot +preserve them by so violent an augmentation of it. You shall ever have +my adoration: be worthy of it; to me that is more necessary than all you +can bestow. It is to you, O my dearest friend! that I resign my rights; +it is to the union of our hearts that I sacrifice my pleasure; rather +would I perish a thousand times than thus degrade her I love." + +I preserved this resolution with a constancy worthy, I may say, of the +sentiment that gave it birth. From this moment I saw this beloved woman +but with the eyes of a real son. It should be remarked here, that this +resolve did not meet her private approbation, as I too well perceived; +yet she never employed the least art to make me renounce it either by +insinuating proposals, caresses, or any of those means which women so +well know how to employ without exposing themselves to violent censure, +and which seldom fail to succeed. Reduced to seek a fate independent of +hers, and not able to devise one, I passed to the other extreme, placing +my happiness so absolutely in her, that I became almost regardless of +myself. The ardent desire to see her happy, at any rate, absorbed all my +affections; it was in vain she endeavored to separate her felicity from +mine, I felt I had a part in it, spite of every impediment. + +Thus those virtues whose seeds in my heart begun to spring up with my +misfortunes: they had been cultivated by study, and only waited the +fermentation of adversity to become prolific. The first-fruit of this +disinterested disposition was to put from my heart every sentiment of +hatred and envy against him who had supplanted me. I even sincerely +wished to attach myself to this young man; to form and educate him; to +make him sensible of his happiness, and, if possible, render him worthy +of it; in a word, to do for him what Anet had formerly done for me. But +the similarity of dispositions was wanting. More insinuating and +enlightened than Anet, I possessed neither his coolness, fortitude, nor +commanding strength of character, which I must have had in order to +succeed. Neither did the young man possess those qualities which Anet +found in me; such as gentleness, gratitude, and above all, the knowledge +of a want of his instructions, and an ardent desire to render them +useful. All these were wanting; the person I wished to improve, saw in +me nothing but an importunate, chattering pedant: while on the contrary +he admired his own importance in the house, measuring the services he +thought he rendered by the noise he made, and looking on his saws, +hatchets, and pick-axes, as infinitely more useful than all my old books: +and, perhaps, in this particular, he might not be altogether blamable; +but he gave himself a number of airs sufficient to make anyone die with +laughter. With the peasants he assumed the airs of a country gentleman; +presently he did as much with me, and at length with Madam de Warrens +herself. His name, Vintzenried, did not appear noble enough, he +therefore changed it to that of Monsieur de Courtilles, and by the latter +appellation he was known at Chambery, and in Maurienne, where he married. + +At length this illustrious personage gave himself such airs of +consequence, that he was everything in the house, and myself nothing. +When I had the misfortune to displease him, he scolded Madam de Warrens, +and a fear of exposing her to his brutality rendered me subservient to +all his whims, so that every time he cleaved wood (an office which he +performed with singular pride) it was necessary I should be an idle +spectator and admirer of his prowess. This lad was not, however, of a +bad disposition; he loved Madam de Warrens, indeed it was impossible to +do otherwise; nor had he any aversion even to me, and when he happened to +be out of his airs would listen to our admonitions, and frankly own he +was a fool; yet notwithstanding these acknowledgements his follies +continued in the same proportion. His knowledge was so contracted, and +his inclinations so mean, that it was useless to reason, and almost +impossible to be pleased with him. Not content with a most charming +woman, he amused himself with an old red-haired, toothless waiting-maid, +whose unwelcome service Madam de Warrens had the patience to endure, +though it was absolutely disgusting. I soon perceived this new +inclination, and was exasperated at it; but I saw something else, which +affected me yet more, and made a deeper impression on me than anything +had hitherto done; this was a visible coldness in the behavior of Madam +de Warrens towards me. + +The privation I had imposed on myself, and which she affected to approve, +is one of those affronts which women scarcely ever forgive. Take the +most sensible; the most philosophic female, one the least attached to +pleasure, and slighting her favors, if within your reach, will be found +the most unpardonable crime, even though she may care nothing for the +man. This rule is certainly without exception; since a sympathy so +natural and ardent was impaired in her, by an abstinence founded only on +virtue, attachment and esteem, I no longer found with her that union of +hearts which constituted all the happiness of mine; she seldom sought me +but when we had occasion to complain of this new-comer, for when they +were agreed, I enjoyed but little of her confidence, and, at length, was +scarcely ever consulted in her affairs. She seemed pleased, indeed, with +my company, but had I passed whole days without seeing her she would +hardly have missed me. + +Insensibly, I found myself desolate and alone in that house where I had +formerly been the very soul; where, if I may so express myself, I had +enjoyed a double life, and by degrees, I accustomed myself to disregard +everything that, passed, and even those who dwelt there. To avoid +continual mortifications, I shut myself up with my books, or else wept +and sighed unnoticed in the woods. This life soon became insupportable; +I felt that the presence of a woman so dear to me, while estranged from +her heart, increased my unhappiness, and was persuaded, that, ceasing to +see her, I should feel myself less cruelly separated. + +I resolved, therefore, to quit the house, mentioned it to her, and she, +far from opposing my resolution, approved it. She had an acquaintance at +Grenoble, called Madam de Deybens, whose husband was on terms of +friendship with Monsieur Malby, chief Provost of Lyons. M. Deybens +proposed my educating M. Malby's children; I accepted this offer, and +departed for Lyons without causing, and almost without feeling, the least +regret at a separation, the bare idea of which, a few months before, +would have given us both the most excruciating torments. + +I had almost as much knowledge as was necessary for a tutor, and +flattered myself that my method would be unexceptionable; but the year I +passed at M. Malby's was sufficient to undeceive me in that particular. +The natural gentleness of my disposition seemed calculated for the +employment, if hastiness had not been mingled with it. While things went +favorably, and I saw the pains (which I did not spare) succeed, I was an +angel; but a devil when they went contrary. If my pupils did not +understand me, I was hasty, and when they showed any symptoms of an +untoward disposition, I was so provoked that I could have killed them; +which behavior was not likely to render them either good or wise. I had +two under my care, and they were of very different tempers. St. Marie, +who was between eight and nine years old, had a good person and quick +apprehension, was giddy, lively, playful and mischievous; but his +mischief was ever good-humored. The younger one, named Condillac, +appeared stupid and fretful, was headstrong as a mule, and seemed +incapable of instruction. It may be supposed that between both I did not +want employment, yet with patience and temper I might have succeeded; +but wanting both, I did nothing worth mentioning, and my pupils profited +very little. I could only make use of three means, which are very weak, +and often pernicious with children; namely, sentiment, reasoning, +passion. I sometimes exerted myself so much with St. Marie, that I could +not refrain from tears, and wished to excite similar sensations in him; +as if it was reasonable to suppose a child could be susceptible to such +emotions. Sometimes I exhausted myself in reasoning, as if persuaded he +could comprehend me; and as he frequently formed very subtle arguments, +concluded he must be reasonable, because he bid fair to be so good a +logician. + +The little Condillac was still more embarrassing; for he neither +understood, answered, nor was concerned at anything; he was of an +obstinacy beyond belief, and was never happier than when he had succeeded +in putting me in a rage; then, indeed, he was the philosopher, and I the +child. I was conscious of all my faults, studied the tempers of my +pupils, and became acquainted with them; but where was the use of seeing +the evil, without being able to apply a remedy? My penetration was +unavailing, since it never prevented any mischief; and everything I +undertook failed, because all I did to effect my designs was precisely +what I ought not to have done. + +I was not more fortunate in what had only reference to myself, than in +what concerned my pupils. Madam Deybens, in recommending me to her +friend Madam de Malby, had requested her to form my manners, and endeavor +to give me an air of the world. She took some pains on this account, +wishing to teach me how to do the honors of the house; but I was so +awkward, bashful, and stupid, that she found it necessary to stop there. +This, however, did not prevent me from falling in love with her, +according to my usual custom; I even behaved in such a manner, that she +could not avoid observing it; but I never durst declare my passion; and +as the lady never seemed in a humor to make advances, I soon became weary +of my sighs and ogling, being convinced they answered no manner of +purpose. + +I had quite lost my inclination for little thieveries while with Madam de +Warrens; indeed, as everything belonged to me, there was nothing to +steal; besides, the elevated notions I had imbibed ought to have rendered +me in future above such meanness, and generally speaking they certainly +did so; but this rather proceeded from my having learned to conquer +temptations, than having succeeded in rooting out the propensity, and I +should even now greatly dread stealing, as in my infancy, were I yet +subject to the same inclinations. I had a proof of this at M. Malby's, +when, though surrounded by a number of little things that I could easily +have pilfered, and which appeared no temptation, I took it into my head +to covert some white Arbois wine, some glasses of which I had drank at +table, and thought delicious. It happened to be rather thick, and as I +fancied myself an excellent finer of wine, I mentioned my skill, and this +was accordingly trusted to my care, but in attempting to mend, I spoiled +it, though to the sight only, for it remained equally agreeable to the +taste. Profiting by this opportunity, I furnished myself from time to +time with a few bottles to drink in my own apartment; but unluckily, +I could never drink without eating; the difficulty lay therefore, +in procuring bread. It was impossible to make a reserve of this article, +and to have it brought by the footman was discovering myself, +and insulting the master of the house; I could not bear to purchase it +myself; how could a fine gentleman, with a sword at his side, enter a +baker's shop to buy a small loaf of bread? it was utterly impossible. +At length I recollected the thoughtless saying of a great princess, who, +on being informed that the country people had no bread, replied, "Then +let them eat pastry!" Yet even this resource was attended with a +difficulty. I sometimes went out alone for this very purpose, running +over the whole city, and passing thirty pastry cook's shops, without +daring to enter any one of them. In the first place, it was necessary +there should be only one person in the shop, and that person's +physiognomy must be so encouraging as to give me confidence to pass the +threshold; but when once the dear little cake was procured, and I shut up +in my chamber with that and a bottle of wine, taken cautiously from the +bottom of a cupboard, how much did I enjoy drinking my wine, and reading +a few pages of a novel; for when I have no company I always wish to read +while eating; it seems a substitute for society, and I dispatch +alternately a page and a morsel; 'tis indeed, as if my book dined with +me. + +I was neither dissolute nor sottish, never in my whole life having been +intoxicated with liquor; my little thefts were not very indiscreet, yet +they were discovered; the bottles betrayed me, and though no notice was +taken of it, I had no longer the management of the cellar. In all this +Monsieur Malby conducted himself with prudence and politeness, being +really a very deserving man, who, under a manner as harsh as his +employment, concealed a real gentleness of disposition and uncommon +goodness of heart: he was judicious, equitable, and (what would not be +expected from an officer of the Marechausse) very humane. + +Sensible of his indulgence, I became greatly attached to him, which made +my stay at Lyons longer than it would otherwise have been; but at length, +disgusted with an employment which I was not calculated for, and a +situation of great confinement, consequently disagreeable to me, after a +year's trial, during which time I spared no pains to fulfill my +engagement, I determined to quit my pupils; being convinced I should +never succeed in educating them properly. Monsieur Malby saw this as +clearly as myself, though I am inclined to think he would never have +dismissed me had I not spared him the trouble, which was an excess of +condescension in this particular, that I certainly cannot justify. + +What rendered my situation yet more insupportable was the comparison I +was continually drawing between the life I now led and that which I had +quitted; the remembrance of my dear Charmettes, my garden, trees, +fountain and orchard, but, above all, the company of her who was born to +give life and soul to every other enjoyment. On calling to mind our +pleasures and innocent life, I was seized with such oppressions and +heaviness of heart, as deprived me of the power of performing anything as +it should be. A hundred times was I tempted instantly to set off on foot +to my dear Madam de Warrens, being persuaded that could I once more see +her, I should be content to die that moment: in fine, I could no longer +resist the tender emotions which recalled me back to her, whatever it +might cost me. I accused myself of not having been sufficiently patient, +complaisant and kind; concluding I might yet live happily with her on the +terms of tender friendship, and by showing more for her than I had +hitherto done. I formed the finest projects in the world, burned to +execute them, left all, renounced everything, departed, fled, and +arriving in all the transports of my early youth, found myself once more +at her feet. Alas! I should have died there with joy, had I found in +her reception, in her embrace, or in her heart, one-quarter of what I had +formerly found there, and which I yet found the undiminished warmth of. + +Fearful illusions of transitory things, how often dost thou torment us in +vain! She received me with that excellence of heart which could only die +with her; but I sought the influence there which could never be recalled, +and had hardly been half an hour with her before I was once more +convinced that my former happiness had vanished forever, and that I was +in the same melancholy situation which I had been obliged to fly from; +yet without being able to accuse any person with my unhappiness, for +Courtilles really was not to blame, appearing to see my return with more +pleasure than dissatisfaction. But how could I bear to be a secondary +person with her to whom I had been everything, and who could never cease +being such to me? How could I live an alien in that house where I had +been the child? The sight of every object that had been witness to my +former happiness, rendered the comparison yet more distressing; I should +have suffered less in any other habitation, for this incessantly recalled +such pleasing remembrances, that it was irritating the recollection of my +loss. + +Consumed with vain regrets, given up to the most gloomy melancholy, I +resumed the custom of remaining alone, except at meals; shut up with my +books, I sought to give some useful diversion to my ideas, and feeling +the imminent danger of want, which I had so long dreaded, I sought means +to prepare for and receive it, when Madam de Warrens should have no other +resource. I had placed her household on a footing not to become worse; +but since my departure everything had been altered. He who now managed +her affairs was a spendthrift, and wished to make a great appearance; +such as keeping a good horse with elegant trappings; loved to appear gay +in the eyes of the neighbors, and was perpetually undertaking something +he did not understand. Her pension was taken up in advance, her rent was +in arrears, debts of every kind continued to accumulate; I could plainly +foresee that her pension would be seized, and perhaps suppressed; in +short, I expected nothing but ruin and misfortune, and the moment +appeared to approach so rapidly that I already felt all its horrors. + +My closet was my only amusement, and after a tedious search for remedies +for the sufferings of my mind, I determined to seek some against the evil +of distressing circumstances, which I daily expected would fall upon us, +and returning to my old chimeras, behold me once more building castles in +the air to relieve this dear friend from the cruel extremities into which +I saw her ready to fall. I did not believe myself wise enough to shine +in the republic of letters, or to stand any chance of making a fortune by +that means; a new idea, therefore, inspired me with that confidence, +which the mediocrity of my talents could not impart. + +In ceasing to teach music I had not abandoned the thoughts of it; on the +contrary, I had studied the theory sufficiently to consider myself well +informed on the subject. When reflecting on the trouble it had cost me +to read music, and the great difficulty I yet experienced in singing at +sight, I began to think the fault might as well arise from the manner of +noting as from my own dulness, being sensible it was an art which most +people find difficult to understand. By examining the formation of the +signs, I was convinced they were frequently very ill devised. I had +before thought of marking the gamut by figures, to prevent the trouble of +having lines to draw, on noting the plainest air; but had been stopped by +the difficulty of the octaves, and by the distinction of measure and +quantity: this idea returned again to my mind, and on a careful revision +of it, I found the difficulties by no means insurmountable. I pursued it +successfully, and was at length able to note any music whatever by +figures, with the greatest exactitude and simplicity. From this moment I +supposed my fortune made, and in the ardor of sharing it with her to whom +I owed everything, thought only of going to Paris, not doubting that on +presenting my project to the Academy, it would be adopted with rapture. +I had brought some money from Lyons; I augmented this stock by the sale +of my books, and in the course of a fortnight my resolution was both +formed and executed: in short, full of the magnificent ideas it had +inspired, and which were common to me on every occasion, I departed from +Savoy with my new system of music, as I had formerly done from Turin with +my heron-fountain. + +Such have been the errors and faults of my youth; I have related the +history of them with a fidelity which my heart approves; if my riper +years were dignified with some virtues, I should have related them with +the same frankness; it was my intention to have done this, but I must +forego this pleasing task and stop here. Time, which renders justice to +the characters of most men, may withdraw the veil; and should my memory +reach posterity, they may one day discover what I had to say--they will +then understand why I am now silent. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, +Book VI., by Jean Jacques Rousseau + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ROUSSEAU *** + +***** This file should be named 3906.txt or 3906.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/9/0/3906/ + +Produced by David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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D.W.] + + + + + +THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU +(In 12 books) + +Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus Society + +London, 1903 + + + +BOOK VI. + + + Hoc erat in votis: Modus agri non ila magnus + Hortus ubi, et leclo vicinus aqua fons; + Et paululum sylvae superhis forel. + + +I cannot add, 'auctius acque di melius fecere'; but no matter, the former +is enough for my purpose; I had no occasion to have any property there, +it was sufficient that I enjoyed it; for I have long since both said and +felt, that the proprietor and possessor are two very different people, +even leaving husbands and lovers out of the question. + +At this moment began the short happiness of my life, those peaceful and +rapid moments, which have given me a right to say, I have lived. +Precious and ever--regretted moments! Ah! recommence your delightful +course; pass more slowly through my memory, if possible, than you +actually did in your fugitive succession. How shall I prolong, according +to my inclination, this recital at once so pleasing and simple? How +shall I continue to relate the same occurrences, without wearying my +readers with the repetition, any more than I was satiated with the +enjoyment? Again, if all this consisted of facts, actions, or words, I +could somehow or other convey an idea of it; but how shall I describe +what was neither said nor done, nor even thought, but enjoyed, felt, +without being able to particularize any other object of my happiness than +the bare idea? I rose with the sun, and was happy; I walked, and was +happy; I saw Madam de Warrens, and was happy; I quitted her, and still +was happy!--Whether I rambled through the woods, over the hills, or +strolled along the valley; read, was idle, worked in the garden, or +gathered fruits, happiness continually accompanied me; it was fixed on no +particular object, it was within me, nor could I depart from it a single +moment. + +Nothing that passed during that charming epocha, nothing that I did, +said, or thought, has escaped my memory. The time that preceded or +followed it, I only recollect by intervals, unequally and confused; but +here I remember all as distinctly as if it existed at this moment. +Imagination, which in my youth was perpetually anticipating the future, +but now takes a retrograde course, makes some amends by these charming +recollections for the deprivation of hope, which I have lost forever. +I no longer see anything in the future that can tempt my wishes, it is a +recollection of the past alone that can flatter me, and the remembrance +of the period I am now describing is so true and lively, that it +sometimes makes me happy, even in spite of my misfortunes. + +Of these recollections I shall relate one example, which may give some +idea of their force and precision. The first day we went to sleep at +Charmettes, the way being up-hill, and Madam de Warrens rather heavy, she +was carried in a chair, while I followed on foot. Fearing the chairmen +would be fatigued, she got out about half-way, designing to walk the rest +of it. As we passed along, she saw something blue in the hedge, and +said, "There's some periwinkle in flower yet!" I had never seen any +before, nor did I stop to examine this: my sight is too short to +distinguish plants on the ground, and I only cast a look at this as I +passed: an interval of near thirty years had elapsed before I saw any +more periwinkle, at least before I observed it, when being at Cressier in +1764, with my friend, M. du Peyrou, we went up a small mountain, on the +summit of which there is a level spot, called, with reason, 'Belle--vue', +I was then beginning to herbalize;--walking and looking among the bushes, +I exclaimed with rapture, "Ah, there's some periwinkle!" Du Peyrou, who +perceived my transport, was ignorant of the cause, but will some day be +informed: I hope, on reading this. The reader may judge by this +impression, made by so small an incident, what an effect must have been +produced by every occurrence of that time. + +Meantime, the air of the country did not restore my health; I was +languishing and became more so; I could not endure milk, and was obliged +to discontinue the use of it. Water was at this time the fashionable +remedy for every complaint; accordingly I entered on a course of it, and +so indiscreetly, that it almost released me, not only from my illness but +also from my life. The water I drank was rather hard and difficult to +pass, as water from mountains generally is; in short, I managed so well, +that in the coarse of two months I totally ruined my stomach, which until +that time had been very good, and no longer digesting anything properly, +had no reason to expect a cure. At this time an accident happened, as +singular in itself as in its subsequent consequences, which can only +terminate with my existence. + +One morning, being no worse than usual, while putting up the leaf of a +small table, I felt a sudden and almost inconceivable revolution +throughout my whole frame. I know not how to describe it better than as +a kind of tempest, which suddenly rose in my blood, and spread in a +moment over every part of my body. My arteries began beating so +violently that I not only felt their motion, but even heard it, +particularly that of the carotids, attended by a loud noise in my ears, +which was of three, or rather four, distinct kinds. For instance, first +a grave hollow buzzing; then a more distinct murmur, like the running of +water; then an extremely sharp hissing, attended by the beating I before +mentioned, and whose throbs I could easily count, without feeling my +pulse, or putting a hand to any part of my body. This internal tumult +was so violent that it has injured my auricular organs, and rendered me, +from that time, not entirely deaf, but hard of hearing. + +My surprise and fear may easily be conceived; imagining it was the stroke +of death, I went to bed, and the physician being sent for, trembling with +apprehension, I related my case; judging it past all cure. I believe the +doctor was of the same opinion; however he performed his office, running +over a long string of causes and effects beyond my comprehension, after +which, in consequence of this sublime theory, he set about, 'in anima +vili', the experimental part of his art, but the means he was pleased to +adopt in order to effect a cure were so troublesome, disgusting, and +followed by so little effect, that I soon discontinued it, and after some +weeks, finding I was neither better nor worse, left my bed, and returned +to my usual method of living; but the beating of my arteries and the +buzzing in my ears has never quitted me a moment during the thirty years' +time which has elapsed since that time. + +Till now, I had been a great sleeper, but a total privation of repose, +with other alarming symptoms which have accompanied it, even to this +time, persuaded me I had but a short time to live. This idea +tranquillized me for a time: I became less anxious about a cure, and +being persuaded I could not prolong life, determined to employ the +remainder of it as usefully as possible. This was practicable by a +particular indulgence of Nature, which, in this melancholy state, +exempted me from sufferings which it might have been supposed I should +have experienced. I was incommoded by the noise, but felt no pain, nor +was it accompanied by any habitual inconvenience, except nocturnal +wakefulness, and at all times a shortness of breath, which is not violent +enough to be called an asthma, but was troublesome when I attempted to +run, or use any degree of exertion. + +This accident, which seemed to threaten the dissolution of my body, only +killed my passions, and I have reason to thank Heaven for the happy +effect produced by it on my soul. I can truly say, I only began to live +when I considered myself as entering the grave; for, estimating at their +real value those things I was quitting; I began to employ myself on +nobler objects, namely by anticipating those I hoped shortly to have the +contemplation of, and which I had hitherto too much neglected. I had +often made light of religion, but was never totally devoid of it; +consequently, it cost me less pain to employ my thoughts on that subject, +which is generally thought melancholy, though highly pleasing to those +who make it an object of hope and consolation; Madam de Warrens, +therefore, was more useful to me on this occasion than all the +theologians in the world would have been. + +She, who brought everything into a system, had not failed to do as much +by religion; and this system was composed of ideas that bore no affinity +to each other. Some were extremely good, and others very ridiculous, +being made up of sentiments proceeding from her disposition, and +prejudices derived from education. Men, in general, make God like +themselves; the virtuous make Him good, and the profligate make Him +wicked; ill-tempered and bilious devotees see nothing but hell, because +they would willingly damn all mankind; while loving and gentle souls +disbelieve it altogether; and one of the astonishments I could never +overcome, is to see the good Fenelon speak of it in his Telemachus as if +he really gave credit to it; but I hope he lied in that particular, for +however strict he might be in regard to truth, a bishop absolutely must +lie sometimes. Madam de Warrens spoke truth with me, and that soul, made +up without gall, who could not imagine a revengeful and ever angry God, +saw only clemency and forgiveness, where devotees bestowed inflexible +justice, and eternal punishment. + +She frequently said there would be no justice in the Supreme Being should +He be strictly just to us; because, not having bestowed what was +necessary to render us essentially good, it would be requiring more than +he had given. The most whimsical idea was, that not believing in hell, +she was firmly persuaded of the reality of purgatory. This arose from +her not knowing what to do with the wicked, being loathed to damn them +utterly, nor yet caring to place them with the good till they had become +so; and we must really allow, that both in this world and the next, the +wicked are very troublesome company. + +It is clearly seen that the doctrine of original sin and the redemption +of mankind is destroyed by this system; consequently that the basis of +the Christian dispensation, as generally received, is shaken, and that +the Catholic faith cannot subsist with these principles; Madam de +Warrens, notwithstanding, was a good Catholic, or at least pretended to +be one, and certainly desired to become such, but it appeared to her that +the Scriptures were too literally and harshly explained, supposing that +all we read of everlasting torments were figurative threatenings, and the +death of Jesus Christ an example of charity, truly divine, which should +teach mankind to love God and each other; in a word, faithful to the +religion she had embraced, she acquiesced in all its professions of +faith, but on a discussion of each particular article, it was plain she +thought diametrically opposite to that church whose doctrines she +professed to believe. In these cases she exhibited simplicity of art, a +frankness more eloquent than sophistry, which frequently embarrassed her +confessor; for she disguised nothing from him. "I am a good Catholic," +she would say, "and will ever remain so; I adopt with all the powers of +my soul the decisions of our holy Mother Church; I am not mistress of my +faith, but I am of my will, which I submit to you without reserve; I will +endeavor to believe all,--what can you require more?" + +Had there been no Christian morality established, I am persuaded she +would have lived as if regulated by its principles, so perfectly did they +seem to accord with her disposition. She did everything that was +required; and she would have done the same had there been no such +requisition: but all this morality was subordinate to the principles of +M. Tavel, or rather she pretended to see nothing in religion that +contradicted them; thus she would have favored twenty lovers in a day, +without any idea of a crime, her conscience being no more moved in that +particular than her passions. I know that a number of devotees are not +more scrupulous, but the difference is, they are seduced by constitution, +she was blinded by her sophisms. In the midst of conversations the most +affecting, I might say the most edifying, she would touch on this +subject, without any change of air or manner, and without being sensible +of any contradiction in her opinions; so much was she persuaded that our +restrictions on that head are merely political, and that any person of +sense might interpret, apply, or make exceptions to them, without any +danger of offending the Almighty. + +Though I was far enough from being of the same opinion in this +particular, I confess I dared not combat hers; indeed, as I was situated, +it would have been putting myself in rather awkward circumstances, since +I could only have sought to establish my opinion for others, myself being +an exception. Besides, I entertained but little hopes of making her +alter hers, which never had any great influence on her conduct, and at +the time I am speaking of none; but I have promised faithfully to +describe her principles, and I will perform my engagement--I now return +to myself. + +Finding in her all those ideas I had occasion for to secure me from the +fears of death and its future consequences, I drew confidence and +security from this source; my attachment became warmer than ever, and I +would willingly have transmitted to her my whole existence, which seemed +ready to abandon me. From this redoubled attachment, a persuasion that I +had but a short time to live, and profound security on my future state, +arose an habitual and even pleasing serenity, which, calming every +passion that extends our hopes and fears, made me enjoy without +inquietude or concern the few days which I imagined remained for me. +What contributed to render them still snore agreeable was an endeavor to +encourage her rising taste for the country, by every amusement I could +possibly devise, wishing to attach her to her garden, poultry, pigeons, +and cows: I amused myself with them and these little occupations, which +employed my time without injuring my tranquillity, were more serviceable +than a milk diet, or all the remedies bestowed on my poor shattered +machine, even to effecting the utmost possible reestablishment of it. + +The vintage and gathering in our fruit employed the remainder of the +year; we became more and more attached to a rustic life, and the society +of our honest neighbors. We saw the approach of winter with regret, and +returned to the city as if going into exile. To me this return was +particularly gloomy, who never expected to see the return of spring, and +thought I took an everlasting leave of Charmettes. I did not quit it +without kissing the very earth and trees, casting back many a wishful +look as I went towards Chambery. + +Having left my scholars for so long a time, and lost my relish for the +amusements of the town, I seldom went out, conversing only with Madam de +Warrens and a Monsieur Salomon, who had lately become our physician. He +was an honest man, of good understanding, a great Cartesian, spoke +tolerably well on the system of the world, and his agreeable and +instructive conversations were more serviceable than his prescriptions. +I could never bear that foolish trivial mode of conversation which is so +generally adopted; but useful instructive discourse has always given me +great pleasure, nor was I ever backward to join in it. I was much +pleased with that of M. Salomon; it appeared to me, that when in his +company, I anticipated the acquisition of that sublime knowledge which my +soul would enjoy when freed from its mortal fetters. The inclination I +had for him extended to the subjects which he treated on, and I began to +look after books which might better enable me to understand his +discourse. Those which mingled devotion with science were most agreeable +to me, particularly Port Royal's Oratory, and I began to read or rather +to devour them. One fell into my hands written by Father Lami, called +'Entretiens sur les Sciences', which was a kind of introduction to the +knowledge of those books it treated of. I read it over a hundred times, +and resolved to make this my guide; in short, I found (notwithstanding my +ill state of health) that I was irresistibly drawn towards study, and +though looking on each day as the last of my life, read with as much +avidity as if certain I was to live forever. + +I was assured that reading would injure me; but on the contrary, I am +rather inclined to think it was serviceable, not only to my soul, but +also to my body; for this application, which soon became delightful, +diverted my thoughts from my disorders, and I soon found myself much less +affected by them. It is certain, however, that nothing gave me absolute +ease, but having no longer any acute pain, I became accustomed to +languishment and wakefulness; to thinking instead of acting; in short, I +looked on the gradual and slow decay of my body as inevitably progressive +and only to be terminated by death. + +This opinion not only detached me from all the vain cares of life, but +delivered me from the importunity of medicine, to which hitherto, I had +been forced to submit, though contrary to my inclination. Salomon, +convinced that his drugs were unavailing, spared me the disagreeable task +of taking them, and contented himself with amusing the grief of my poor +Madam de Warrens by some of those harmless preparations, which serve to +flatter the hopes of the patient and keep up the credit of the doctor. +I discontinued the strict regimen I had latterly observed, resumed the +use of wine, and lived in every respect like a man in perfect health, +as far as my strength would permit, only being careful to run into no +excess; I even began to go out and visit my acquaintance, particularly +M. de Conzie, whose conversation was extremely pleasing to me. Whether +it struck me as heroic to study to my last hour, or that some hopes of +life yet lingered in the bottom of my heart, I cannot tell, but the +apparent certainty of death, far from relaxing my inclination for +improvement, seemed to animate it, and I hastened to acquire knowledge +for the other world, as if convinced I should only possess that portion I +could carry with me. I took a liking to the shop of a bookseller, whose +name was Bouchard, which was frequented by some men of letters, and as +the spring (whose return I had never expected to see again) was +approaching, furnished myself with some books for Charmettes, in case I +should have the happiness to return there. + +I had that happiness, and enjoyed it to the utmost extent. The rapture +with which I saw the trees put out their first bud, is inexpressible! +The return of spring seemed to me like rising from the grave into +paradise. The snow was hardly off the ground when we left our dungeon +and returned to Charmettes, to enjoy the first warblings of the +nightingale. I now thought no more of dying, and it is really singular, +that from this time I never experienced any dangerous illness in the +country. I have suffered greatly, but never kept my bed, and have often +said to those about me, on finding myself worse than ordinary, "Should +you see me at the point of death, carry me under the shade of an oak, and +I promise you I shall recover." + +Though weak, I resumed my country occupations, as far as my strength +would permit, and conceived a real grief at not being able to manage our +garden without help; for I could not take five or six strokes with the +spade without being out of breath and overcome with perspiration; when I +stooped the beating redoubled, and the blood flew with such violence to +my head, that I was instantly obliged to stand upright. Being therefore +confined to less fatiguing employments, I busied myself about the dove-- +house, and was so pleased with it that I sometimes passed several hours +there without feeling a moment's weariness. The pigeon is very timid and +difficult to tame, yet I inspired mine with so much confidence that they +followed me everywhere, letting me catch them at pleasure, nor could I +appear in the garden without having two or three on my arms or head in an +instant, and notwithstanding the pleasure I took in them, their company +became so troublesome that I was obliged to lessen the familiarity. I +have ever taken great pleasure in taming animals, particularly those that +are wild and fearful. It appeared delightful to me, to inspire them with +a confidence which I took care never to abuse, wishing them to love me +freely. + +I have already mentioned that I purchased some books: I did not forget to +read them, but in a manner more proper to fatigue than instruct me. +I imagined that to read a book profitably, it was necessary to be +acquainted with every branch of knowledge it even mentioned; far from +thinking that the author did not do this himself, but drew assistance +from other books, as he might see occasion. Full of this silly idea, I +was stopped every moment, obliged to run from one book to another, and +sometimes, before I could reach the tenth page of what I was studying, +found it necessary to turn over a whole library. I was so attached to +this ridiculous method, that I lost a prodigious deal of time and had +bewildered my head to such a degree, that I was hardly capable of doing, +seeing or comprehending anything. I fortunately perceived, at length, +that I was in the wrong road, which would entangle me in an inextricable +labyrinth, and quitted it before I was irrevocably lost. + +When a person has any real taste for the sciences, the first thing he +perceives in the pursuit of them is that connection by which they +mutually attract, assist, and enlighten each other, and that it is +impossible to attain one without the assistance of the rest. Though the +human understanding cannot grasp all, and one must ever be regarded as +the principal object, yet if the rest are totally neglected, the favorite +study is generally obscure; I was convinced that my resolution to improve +was good and useful in itself, but that it was necessary I should change +my method; I, therefore, had recourse to the encyclopaedia. I began by a +distribution of the general mass of human knowledge into its various +branches, but soon discovered that I must pursue a contrary course, that +I must take each separately, and trace it to that point where it united +with the rest: thus I returned to the general synthetical method, but +returned thither with a conviction that I was going right. Meditation +supplied the want of knowledge, and a very natural reflection gave +strength to my resolutions, which was, that whether I lived or died, I +had no time to lose; for having learned but little before the age of +five-and-twenty, and then resolving to learn everything, was engaging to +employ the future time profitably. I was ignorant at what point accident +or death might put a period to my endeavors, and resolved at all events +to acquire with the utmost expedition some idea of every species of +knowledge, as well to try my natural disposition, as to judge for myself +what most deserved cultivation. + +In the execution of my plan, I experienced another advantage which I had +never thought of; this was, spending a great deal of time profitably. +Nature certainly never meant me for study, since attentive application +fatigues me so much, that I find it impossible to employ myself half an +hour together intently on any one subject; particularly while following +another person's ideas, for it has frequently happened that I have +pursued my own for a much longer period with success. After reading a +few pages of an author with close application, my understanding is +bewildered, and should I obstinately continue, I tire myself to no +purpose, a stupefaction seizes me, and I am no longer conscious of what I +read; but in a succession of various subjects, one relieves me from the +fatigue of the other, and without finding respite necessary, I can follow +them with pleasure. + +I took advantage of this observation in the plan of my studies, taking +care to intermingle them in such a manner that I was never weary: it is +true that domestic and rural concerns furnished many pleasing +relaxations; but as my eagerness for improvement increased, I contrived +to find opportunities for my studies, frequently employing myself about +two things at the same time, without reflecting that both were +consequently neglected. + +In relating so many trifling details, which delight me, but frequently +tire my reader, I make use of the caution to suppress a great number, +though, perhaps, he would have no idea of this, if I did not take care to +inform him of it: for example, I recollect with pleasure all the +different methods I adopted for the distribution of my time, in such a +manner as to produce the utmost profit and pleasure. I may say, that the +portion of my life which I passed in this retirement, though in continual +ill-health, was that in which I was least idle and least wearied. Two or +three months were thus employed in discovering the bent of my genius; +meantime, I enjoyed, in the finest season of the year, and in a spot it +rendered delightful, the charms of a life whose worth I was so highly +sensible of, in such a society, as free as it was charming; if a union so +perfect, and the extensive knowledge I purposed to acquire, can be called +society. It seemed to me as if I already possessed the improvements I +was only in pursuit of: or rather better, since the pleasure of learning +constituted a great part of my happiness. + +I must pass over these particulars, which were to me the height of +enjoyment, but are too trivial to bear repeating: indeed, true happiness +is indescribable, it is only to be felt, and this consciousness of +felicity is proportionately more, the less able we are to describe it; +because it does not absolutely result from a concourse of favorable +incidents, but is an affection of the mind itself. I am frequently +guilty of repetitions, but should be infinitely more so, did I repeat the +same thing as often as it recurs with pleasure to my mind. When at +length my variable mode of life was reduced to a more uniform course, the +following was nearly the distribution of time which I adopted: I rose +every morning before the sun, and passed through a neighboring orchard +into a pleasant path, which, running by a vineyard, led towards Chambery. +While walking, I offered up my prayers, not by a vain motion of the lips, +but a sincere elevation of my heart, to the Great Author of delightful +nature, whose beauties were so charmingly spread out before me! I never +love to pray in a chamber; it seems to me that the walls and all the +little workmanship of man interposed between God and myself: I love to +contemplate Him in his works, which elevate my soul, and raise my +thoughts to Him. My prayers were pure, I can affirm it, and therefore +worthy to be heard:--I asked for myself and her from whom my thoughts +were never divided, only an innocent and quiet life, exempt from vice, +sorrow and want; I prayed that we might die the death of the just, and +partake of their lot hereafter: for the rest, it was rather admiration +and contemplation than request, being satisfied that the best means to +obtain what is necessary from the Giver of every perfect good, is rather +to deserve than to solicit. Returning from my walk, I lengthened the way +by taking a roundabout path, still contemplating with earnestness and +delight the beautiful scenes with which I was surrounded, those only +objects that never fatigue either the eye or the heart. As I approached +our habitation, I looked forward to see if Madam de Warrens was stirring, +and when I perceived her shutters open, I even ran with joy towards the +house: if they were yet shut I went into the garden to wait their +opening, amusing myself, meantime, by a retrospection of what I had read +the preceding evening, or in gardening. The moment the shutter drew back +I hastened to embrace her, frequently half asleep; and this salute, pure +as it was affectionate, even from its innocence, possessed a charm which +the senses can never bestow. We usually breakfasted on milk-coffee; this +was the time of day when we had most leisure, and when we chatted with +the greatest freedom. These sittings, which were usually pretty long, +have given me a fondness for breakfasts, and I infinitely prefer those of +England, or Switzerland, which are considered as a meal, at which all the +family assemble, than those of France, where they breakfast alone in +their several apartments, or more frequently have none at all. After an +hour or two passed in discourse, I went to my study till dinner; +beginning with some philosophical work, such as the logic of Port-Royal, +Locke's Essays, Mallebranche, Leibtnitz, Descartes, etc. I soon found +that these authors perpetually contradict each other, and formed the +chimerical project of reconciling them, which cost me much labor and loss +of time, bewildering my head without any profit. At length (renouncing +this idea) I adopted one infinitely more profitable, to which I attribute +all the progress I have since made, notwithstanding the defects of my +capacity; for 'tis certain I had very little for study. On reading each +author, I acquired a habit of following all his ideas, without suffering +my own or those of any other writer to interfere with them, or entering +into any dispute on their utility. I said to myself, "I will begin by +laying up a stock of ideas, true or false, but clearly conceived, till my +understanding shall be sufficiently furnished to enable me to compare and +make choice of those that are most estimable." I am sensible this method +is not without its inconveniences, but it succeeded in furnishing me with +a fund of instruction. Having passed some years in thinking after +others, without reflection, and almost without reasoning, I found myself +possessed of sufficient materials to set about thinking on my own +account, and when journeys of business deprived me of the opportunities +of consulting books, I amused myself with recollecting and comparing what +I had read, weighing every opinion on the balance of reason, and +frequently judging my masters. Though it was late before I began to +exercise my judicial faculties, I have not discovered that they had lost +their vigor, and on publishing my own ideas, have never been accused of +being a servile disciple or of swearing 'in verba magistri'. + +From these studies I passed to the elements of geometry, for I never went +further, forcing my weak memory to retain them by going the same ground a +hundred and a hundred times over. I did not admire Euclid, who rather +seeks a chain of demonstration than a connection of ideas: I preferred +the geometry of Father Lama, who from that time became one of my favorite +authors, and whose works I yet read with pleasure. Algebra followed, and +Father Lama was still my guide: when I made some progress, I perused +Father Reynaud's Science of Calculation, and then his Analysis +Demonstrated; but I never went far enough thoroughly to understand the +application of algebra to geometry. I was not pleased with this method +of performing operations by rule without knowing what I was about: +resolving geometrical problems by the help of equations seemed like +playing a tune by turning round a handle. The first time I found by +calculation that the square of a binocular figure was composed of the +square of each of its parts, and double the product of one by the other; +though convinced that my multiplication was right, I could not be +satisfied till I had made and examined the figure: not but I admire +algebra when applied to abstract quantities, but when used to demonstrate +dimensions, I wished to see the operation, and unless explained by lines, +could not rightly comprehend it. + +After this came Latin: it was my most painful study, and in which I never +made great progress. I began by Port-Royal's Rudiments, but without +success; I lost myself in a crowd of rules; and in studying the last +forgot all that preceded it. A study of words is not calculated for a +man without memory, and it was principally an endeavor to make my memory +more retentive, that urged me obstinately to persist in this study, which +at length I was obliged to relinquish. As I understood enough to read an +easy author by the aid of a dictionary, I followed that method, and found +it succeed tolerably well. I likewise applied myself to translation, not +by writing, but mentally, and by exercise and perseverance attained to +read Latin authors easily, but have never been able to speak or write +that language, which has frequently embarrassed me when I have found +myself (I know not by what means) enrolled among men of letters. + +Another inconvenience that arose from this manner of learning is, that I +never understood prosody, much less the rules of versification; yet, +anxious to understand the harmony of the language, both in prose and +verse, I have made many efforts to obtain it, but am convinced, that +without a master it is almost impossible. Having learned the composition +of the hexameter, which is the easiest of all verses, I had the patience +to measure out the greater part of Virgil into feet and quantity, and +whenever I was dubious whether a syllable was long or short, immediately +consulted my Virgil. It may easily be conceived that I ran into many +errors in consequence of those licenses permitted by the rules of +versification; and it is certain, that if there is an advantage in +studying alone, there are also great inconveniences and inconceivable +labor, as I have experienced more than any one. + +At twelve I quitted my books, and if dinner was not ready, paid my +friends, the pigeons, a visit, or worked in the garden till it was, and +when I heard myself called, ran very willingly, and with a good appetite +to partake of it, for it is very remarkable, that let me be ever so +indisposed my appetite never fails. We dined very agreeably, chatting +till Madam de Warrens could eat. Two or three times a week, when it was +fine, we drank our coffee in a cool shady arbor behind the house, that I +had decorated with hops, and which was very refreshing during the heat; +we usually passed an hour in viewing our flowers and vegetables, or in +conversation relative to our manner of life, which greatly increased the +pleasure of it. I had another little family at the end of the garden; +these were several hives of bees, which I never failed to visit once a +day, and was frequently accompanied by Madam de Warrens. I was greatly +interested in their labor, and amused myself seeing them return to the +hives, their little thighs so loaded with the precious store that they +could hardly walk. At first, curiosity made me indiscreet, and they +stung me several times, but afterwards, we were so well acquainted, that +let me approach as near as I would, they never molested me, though the +hives were full and the bees ready to swarm. At these times I have been +surrounded, having them on my hands and face without apprehending any +danger. All animals are distrustful of man, and with reason, but when +once assured he does not mean to injure them, their confidence becomes so +great that he must be worse than a barbarian who abuses it. + +After this I returned to my books; but my afternoon employment ought +rather to bear the name of recreation and amusement, than labor or study. +I have never been able to bear application after dinner, and in general +any kind of attention is painful to me during the heat of the day. I +employed myself, 'tis true, but without restraint or rule, and read +without studying. What I most attended to at these times, was history +and geography, and as these did not require intense application, made as +much progress in them as my weak memory would permit. I had an +inclination to study Father Petau, and launched into the gloom of +chronology, but was disgusted at the critical part, which I found had +neither bottom nor banks; this made me prefer the more exact measurement +of time by the course of the celestial bodies. I should even have +contracted a fondness for astronomy, had I been in possession of +instruments, but was obliged to content myself with some of the elements +of that art, learned from books, and a few rude observations made with a +telescope, sufficient only to give me a general idea of the situation of +the heavenly bodies; for my short sight is insufficient to distinguish +the stars without the help of a glass. + +I recollect an adventure on this subject, the remembrance of which has +often diverted me. I had bought a celestial planisphere to study the +constellations by, and, having fixed it on a frame, when the nights were +fine and the sky clear, I went into the garden; and fixing the frame on +four sticks, something higher than myself, which I drove into the ground, +turned the planisphere downwards, and contrived to light it by means of a +candle (which I put in a pail to prevent the wind from blowing it out) +and then placed in the centre of the above--mentioned four supporters; +this done, I examined the stars with my glass, and from time to time +referring to my planisphere, endeavored to distinguish the various +constellations. I think I have before observed that our garden was on a +terrace, and lay open to the road. One night, some country people +passing very late, saw me in a most grotesque habit, busily employed in +these observations: the light, which struck directly on the planisphere, +proceeding from a cause they could not divine (the candle being concealed +by the sides of the pail), the four stakes supporting a large paper, +marked over with various uncouth figures, with the motion of the +telescope, which they saw turning backwards and forwards, gave the whole +an air of conjuration that struck them with horror and amazement. My +figure was by no means calculated to dispel their fears; a flapped hat +put on over my nightcap, and a short cloak about my shoulder (which Madam +de Warrens had obliged me to put on) presented in their idea the image of +a real sorcerer. Being near midnight, they made no doubt but this was +the beginning of some diabolical assembly, and having no curiosity to pry +further into these mysteries, they fled with all possible speed, awakened +their neighbors, and described this most dreadful vision. The story +spread so fast that the next day the whole neighborhood was informed that +a nocturnal assembly of witches was held in the garden that belonged to +Monsieur Noiret, and I am ignorant what might have been the consequence +of this rumor if one of the countrymen who had been witness to my +conjurations had not the same day carried his complaint to two Jesuits, +who frequently came to visit us, and who, without knowing the foundation +of the story, undeceived and satisfied them. These Jesuits told us the +whole affair, and I acquainted them with the cause of it, which +altogether furnished us with a hearty laugh. However, I resolved for the +future to make my observations without light, and consult my planisphere +in the house. Those who have read Venetian magic, in the 'Letters from +the Mountain', may find that I long since had the reputation of being a +conjurer. + +Such was the life I led at Charmettes when I had no rural employments, +for they ever had the preference, and in those that did not exceed my +strength, I worked like a peasant; but my extreme weakness left me little +except the will; besides, as I have before observed, I wished to do two +things at once, and therefore did neither well. I obstinately persisted +in forcing my memory to retain a great deal by heart, and for that +purpose, I always carried some book with me, which, while at work, +I studied with inconceivable labor. I was continually repeating +something, and am really amazed that the fatigue of these vain and +continual efforts did not render me entirely stupid. I must have learned +and relearned the Eclogues of Virgil twenty times over, though at this +time I cannot recollect a single line of them. I have lost or spoiled a +great number of books by a custom I had of carrying them with me into the +dove-house, the garden, orchard or vineyard, when, being busy about +something else, I laid my book at the foot of a tree, on the hedge, or +the first place that came to hand, and frequently left them there, +finding them a fortnight after, perhaps, rotted to pieces, or eaten by +the ants or snails; and this ardor for learning became so far a madness +that it rendered me almost stupid, and I was perpetually muttering some +passage or other to myself. + +The writings of Port-Royal, and those of the Oratory, being what I most +read, had made me half a Jansenist, and, notwithstanding all my +confidence, their harsh theology sometimes alarmed me. A dread of hell, +which till then I had never much apprehended, by little and little +disturbed my security, and had not Madam de Warrens tranquillized my +soul, would at length have been too much for me. My confessor, who was +hers likewise, contributed all in his power to keep up my hopes. This +was a Jesuit, named Father Hemet; a good and wise old man, whose memory +I shall ever hold in veneration. Though a Jesuit, he had the simplicity +of a child, and his manners, less relaxed than gentle, were precisely +what was necessary to balance the melancholy impressions made on me by +Jansenism. This good man and his companion, Father Coppier, came +frequently to visit us at Charmette, though the road was very rough and +tedious for men of their age. These visits were very comfortable to me, +which may the Almighty return to their souls, for they were so old that I +cannot suppose them yet living. I sometimes went to see them at +Chambery, became acquainted at their convent, and had free access to the +library. The remembrance of that happy time is so connected with the +idea of those Jesuits, that I love one on account of the other, and +though I have ever thought their doctrines dangerous, could never find +myself in a disposition to hate them cordially. + +I should like to know whether there ever passed such childish notions in +the hearts of other men as sometimes do in mine. In the midst of my +studies, and of a life as innocent as man could lead, notwithstanding +every persuasion to the contrary, the dread of hell frequently tormented +me. I asked myself, "What state am I in? Should I die at this instant, +must I be damned?" According to my Jansenists the matter was +indubitable, but according to my conscience it appeared quite the +contrary: terrified and floating in this cruel uncertainty, I had +recourse to the most laughable expedient to resolve my doubts, for which +I would willingly shut up any man as a lunatic should I see him practise +the same folly. One day, meditating on this melancholy subject, +I exercised myself in throwing stones at the trunks of trees, with my +usual dexterity, that is to say, without hitting any of them. In the +height of this charming exercise, it entered my mind to make a kind of +prognostic, that might calm my inquietude; I said, "I will throw this +stone at the tree facing me; if I hit my mark, I will consider it as a +sign of salvation; if I miss, as a token of damnation." While I said +this, I threw the stone with a trembling hand and beating breast but so +happily that it struck the body of the tree, which truly was not a +difficult matter, for I had taken care to choose one that was very large +and very near me. From that moment I never doubted my salvation: I know +not on recollecting this trait, whether I ought to laugh or shudder at +myself. Ye great geniuses, who surely laugh at my folly, congratulate +yourselves on your superior wisdom, but insult not my unhappiness, for I +swear to you that I feel it most sensibly. + +These troubles, these alarms, inseparable, perhaps, from devotion, were +only at intervals; in general, I was tranquil, and the impression made on +my soul by the idea of approaching death, was less that of melancholy +than a peaceful languor, which even had its pleasures. I have found +among my old papers a kind of congratulation and exhortation which I made +to myself on dying at an age when I had the courage to meet death with +serenity, without having experienced any great evils, either of body or +mind. How much justice was there in the thought! A preconception of +what I had to suffer made me fear to live, and it seemed that I dreaded +the fate which must attend my future days. I have never been so near +wisdom as during this period, when I felt no great remorse for the past, +nor tormenting fear for the future; the reigning sentiment of my soul +being the enjoyment of the present. Serious people usually possess a +lively sensuality, which makes them highly enjoy those innocent pleasures +that are allowed them. Worldlings (I know not why) impute this to them +as a crime: or rather, I well know the cause of this imputation, it is +because they envy others the enjoyment of those simple and pure delights +which they have lost the relish of. I had these inclinations, and found +it charming to gratify them in security of conscience. My yet +inexperienced heart gave in to all with the calm happiness of a child, +or rather (if I dare use the expression) with the raptures of an angel; +for in reality these pure delights are as serene as those of paradise. +Dinners on the grass at Montagnole, suppers in our arbor, gathering in +the fruits, the vintage, a social meeting with our neighbors; all these +were so many holidays, in which Madam de Warrens took as much pleasure as +myself. Solitary walks afforded yet purer pleasure, because in them our +hearts expanded with greater freedom: one particularly remains in my +memory; it was on a St. Louis' day, whose name Madam de Warrens bore: we +set out together early and unattended, after having heard a mass at break +of day in a chapel adjoining our house, from a Carmelite, who attended +for that purpose. As I proposed walking over the hills opposite our +dwelling, which we had not yet visited, we sent our provisions on before; +the excursion being to last the whole day. Madam de Warrens, though +rather corpulent, did not walk ill, and we rambled from hill to hill and +wood to wood, sometimes in the sun, but oftener in the shade, resting +from time to time, and regardless how the hours stole away; speaking of +ourselves, of our union, of the gentleness of our fate, and offering up +prayers for its duration, which were never heard. Everything conspired +to augment our happiness: it had rained for several days previous to +this, there was no dust, the brooks were full and rapid, a gentle breeze +agitated the leaves, the air was pure, the horizon free from clouds, +serenity reigned in the sky as in our hearts. Our dinner was prepared at +a peasant's house, and shared with him and his family, whose benedictions +we received. These poor Savoyards are the worthiest of people! After +dinner we regained the shade, and while I was picking up bits of dried +sticks, to boil our coffee, Madam de Warrens amused herself with +herbalizing among the bushes, and with the flowers I had gathered for her +in my way. She made me remark in their construction a thousand natural +beauties, which greatly amused me, and which ought to have given me a +taste for botany; but the time was not yet come, and my attention was +arrested by too many other studies. Besides this, an idea struck me, +which diverted my thoughts from flowers and plants: the situation of my +mind at that moment, all that we had said or done that day, every object +that had struck me, brought to my remembrance the kind of waking dream I +had at Annecy seven or eight years before, and which I have given an +account of in its place. The similarity was so striking that it affected +me even to tears: in a transport of tenderness I embraced Madam de +Warrens. "My dearest friend," said I, "this day has long since been +promised me: I can see nothing beyond it: my happiness, by your means, +is at its height; may it never decrease; may it continue as long as I am +sensible of its value-then it can only finish with my life." + +Thus happily passed my days, and the more happily as I perceived nothing +that could disturb or bring them to a conclusion; not that the cause of +my former uneasiness had absolutely ceased, but I saw it take another +course, which I directed with my utmost care to useful objects, that the +remedy might accompany the evil. Madam de Warrens naturally loved the +country, and this taste did not cool while with me. By little and little +she contracted a fondness for rustic employments, wished to make the most +of her land, and had in that particular a knowledge which she practised +with pleasure. + +Not satisfied with what belonged to the house, she hired first a field, +then a meadow, transferring her enterprising humor to the objects of +agriculture, and instead of remaining unemployed in the house, was in the +way of becoming a complete farmer. I was not greatly pleased to see this +passion increase, and endeavored all I could to oppose it; for I was +certain she would be deceived, and that her liberal extravagant +disposition would infallibly carry her expenses beyond her profits; +however, I consoled myself by thinking the produce could not be useless, +and would at least help her to live. Of all the projects she could form, +this appeared the least ruinous: without regarding it, therefore, in the +light she did, as a profitable scheme, I considered it as a perpetual +employment, which would keep her from more ruinous enterprises, and out +of the reach of impostors. With this idea, I ardently wished to recover +my health and strength, that I might superintend her affairs, overlook +her laborers, or, rather, be the principal one myself. The exercise this +naturally obliged me to take, with the relaxation it procured me from +books and study, was serviceable to my health. + +The winter following, Barillot returning from Italy, brought me some +books; and among others, the 'Bontempi' and 'la Cartella per Musica', of +Father Banchieri; these gave me a taste for the history of music and for +the theoretical researches of that pleasing art. Barillot remained some +time with us, and as I had been of age some months, I determined to go to +Geneva the following spring, and demand my mother's inheritance, or at +least that part which belonged to me, till it could be ascertained what +had become of my brother. This plan was executed as it had been +resolved: I went to Geneva; my father met me there, for he had +occasionally visited Geneva a long time since, without its being +particularly noticed, though the decree that had been pronounced against +him had never been reversed; but being esteemed for his courage, and +respected for his probity, the situation of his affairs was pretended to +be forgotten; or perhaps, the magistrates, employed with the great +project that broke out some little time after, were not willing to alarm +the citizens by recalling to their memory, at an improper time, this +instance of their former partiality. + +I apprehended that I should meet with difficulties, on account of having +changed my religion, but none occurred; the laws of Geneva being less +harsh in that particular than those of Berne, where, whoever changes his +religion, not only loses his freedom, but his property. My rights, +however, were not disputed: but I found my patrimony, I know not how, +reduced to very little, and though it was known almost to a certainty +that my brother was dead, yet, as there was no legal proof, I could not +lay claim to his share, which I left without regret to my father, who +enjoyed it as long as he lived. No sooner were the necessary formalities +adjusted, and I had received my money, some of which I expended in books, +than I flew with the remainder to Madam de Warrens; my heart beat with +joy during the journey, and the moment in which I gave the money into her +hands, was to me a thousand times more delightful than that which gave it +into mine. She received this with a simplicity common to great souls, +who, doing similar actions without effort, see them without admiration; +indeed it was almost all expended for my use, for it would have been +employed in the same manner had it come from any other quarter. + +My health was not yet re-established; I decayed visibly, was pale as +death, and reduced to an absolute skeleton; the beating of my arteries +was extreme, my palpitations were frequent: I was sensible of a continual +oppression, and my weakness became at length so great, that I could +scarcely move or step without danger of suffocation, stoop without +vertigoes, or lift even the smallest weight, which reduced me to the most +tormenting inaction for a man so naturally stirring as myself. It is +certain my disorder was in a great measure hypochondriacal. The vapors +is a malady common to people in fortunate situations: the tears I +frequently shed, without reason; the lively alarms I felt on the falling +of a leaf, or the fluttering of a bird; inequality of humor in the calm +of a most pleasing life; lassitude which made me weary even of happiness, +and carried sensibility to extravagance, were an instance of this. We +are so little formed for felicity, that when the soul and body do not +suffer together, they must necessarily endure separate inconveniences, +the good state of the one being almost always injurious to the happiness +of the other. Had all the pleasure of life courted me, my weakened frame +would not have permitted the enjoyment of them, without my being able to +particularize the real seat of my complaint; yet in the decline of life; +after having encountered very serious and real evils, my body seemed to +regain its strength, as if on purpose to encounter additional +misfortunes; and, at the moment I write this, though infirm, near sixty, +and overwhelmed with every kind of sorrow, I feel more ability to suffer +than I ever possessed for enjoyment when in the very flower of my age, +and in the bosom of real happiness. + +To complete me, I had mingled a little physiology among my other +readings: I set about studying anatomy, and considering the multitude, +movement, and wonderful construction of the various parts that composed +the human machine; my apprehensions were instantly increased, I expected +to feel mine deranged twenty times a day, and far from being surprised to +find myself dying, was astonished that I yet existed! I could not read +the description of any malady without thinking it mine, and, had I not +been already indisposed, I am certain I should have become so from this +study. Finding in every disease symptoms similar to mine, I fancied I +had them all, and, at length, gained one more troublesome than any I yet +suffered, which I had thought myself delivered from; this was, a violent +inclination to seek a cure; which it is very difficult to suppress, when +once a person begins reading physical books. By searching, reflecting, +and comparing, I became persuaded that the foundation of my complaint was +a polypus at the heart, and Doctor Salomon appeared to coincide with the +idea. Reasonably this opinion should have confirmed my former resolution +of considering myself past cure; this, however, was not the case; on the +contrary; I exerted every power of my understanding in search of a remedy +for a polypus, resolving to undertake this marvellous cure. + +In a journey which Anet had made to Montpelier, to see the physical +garden there, and visit Monsieur Sauvages, the demonstrator, he had been +informed that Monsieur Fizes had cured a polypus similar to that I +fancied myself afflicted with: Madam de Warrens, recollecting this +circumstance, mentioned it to me, and nothing more was necessary to +inspire me with a desire to consult Monsieur Fizes. The hope of recovery +gave me courage and strength to undertake the journey; the money from +Geneva furnished the means; Madam de Warrens, far from dissuading, +entreated me to go: behold me, therefore, without further ceremony, set +out for Montpelier!--but it was not necessary to go so far to find the +cure I was in search of. + +Finding the motion of the horse too fatiguing, I had hired a chaise at +Grenoble, and on entering Moirans, five or six other chaises arrived in a +rank after mine. The greater part of these were in the train of a new +married lady called Madam du Colombier; with her was a Madam de Larnage, +not so young or handsome as the former, yet not less amiable. The bride +was to stop at Romans, but the other lady was to pursue her route as far +as Saint-Andiol, near the bridge du St. Esprit. With my natural timidity +it will not be conjectured that I was very ready at forming an +acquaintance with these fine ladies, and the company that attended them; +but travelling the same road, lodging at the same inns, and being obliged +to eat at the same table, the acquaintance seemed unavoidable, as any +backwardness on my part would have got me the character of a very +unsociable being: it was formed then, and even sooner than I desired, +for all this bustle was by no means convenient to a person in ill health, +particularly to one of my humor. Curiosity renders these vixens +extremely insinuating; they accomplish their design of becoming +acquainted with a man by endeavoring to turn his brain, and this was +precisely what happened to me. Madam du Colombier was too much +surrounded by her young gallants to have any opportunity of paying much +attention to me; besides, it was not worthwhile, as we were to separate +in so short a time; but Madam de Larnage (less attended to than her young +friend) had to provide herself for the remainder of the journey; behold +me, then, attacked by Madam de Larnage, and adieu to poor Jean Jacques, +or rather farewell to fever, vapors, and polypus; all completely vanished +when in her presence. The ill state of my health was the first subject +of our conversation; they saw I was indisposed, knew I was going to +Montpelier, but my air and manner certainly did not exhibit the +appearance of a libertine, since it was clear by what followed they did +not suspect I was going there for a reason that carries many that road. + +In the morning they sent to inquire after my health and invite me to take +chocolate with them, and when I made my appearance asked how I had passed +the night. Once, according to my praiseworthy custom of speaking without +thought, I replied, "I did not know," which answer naturally made them +conclude I was a fool: but, on questioning me further; the examination +turned out so far to my advantage, that I rather rose in their opinion, +and I once heard Madam du Colombier say to her friend, "He is amiable, +but not sufficiently acquainted with the world." These words were a +great encouragement, and assisted me in rendering myself agreeable. + +As we became more familiar, it was natural to give each other some little +account of whence we came and who we were: this embarrassed me greatly, +for I was sensible that in good company and among women of spirit, the +very name of a new convert would utterly undo me. I know not by what +whimsicallity I resolved to pass for an Englishman; however, in +consequence of that determination I gave myself out for a Jacobite, and +was readily believed. They called me Monsieur Dudding, which was the +name I assumed with my new character, and a cursed Marquis Torignan, who +was one of the company, an invalid like myself, and both old and ill-- +tempered, took it in his head to begin a long conversation with me. He +spoke of King James, of the Pretender, and the old court of +St. Germain's; I sat on thorns the whole time, for I was totally +unacquainted with all these except what little I had picked up in the +account of Earl Hamilton, and from the gazettes; however, I made such +fortunate use of the little I did know as to extricate myself from this +dilemma, happy in not being questioned on the English language, which I +did not know a single word of. + +The company were all very agreeable; we looked forward to the moment of +separation with regret, and therefore made snails' journeys. We arrived +one Sunday at St. Marcelein's; Madam de Larnage would go to mass; I +accompanied her, and had nearly ruined all my affairs, for by my modest +reserved countenance during the service, she concluded me a bigot, and +conceived a very indifferent opinion of me, as I learned from her own +account two days after. It required a great deal of gallantry on my part +to efface this ill impression, or rather Madam de Larnage (who was not +easily disheartened) determined to risk the first advances, and see how I +should behave. She made several, but far from being presuming on my +figure, I thought she was making sport of me: full of this ridiculous +idea there was no folly I was not guilty of. + +Madam de Larnage persisted in such caressing behavior, that a much wiser +man than myself could hardly have taken it seriously. The more obvious +her advances were, the more I was confirmed in my mistake, and what +increased my torment, I found I was really in love with her. +I frequently said to myself, and sometimes to her, sighing, "Ah! why is +not all this real? then should I be the most fortunate of men." I am +inclined to think my stupidity did but increase her resolution, and make +her determined to get the better of it. + +We left Madam du Colombier at Romans; after which Madam de Larnage, the +Marquis de Torignan, and myself continued our route slowly, and in the +most agreeable manner. The marquis, though indisposed, and rather ill- +humored, was an agreeable companion, but was not best pleased at seeing +the lady bestow all her attentions on me, while he passed unregarded; for +Madam de Larnage took so little care to conceal her inclination, that he +perceived it sooner than I did, and his sarcasms must have given me that +confidence I could not presume to take from the kindness of the lady, if +by a surmise, which no one but myself could have blundered on, I had not +imagined they perfectly understood each other, and were agreed to turn my +passion into ridicule. This foolish idea completed my stupidity, making +me act the most ridiculous part, while, had I listened to the feelings of +my heart, I might have been performing one far more brilliant. I am +astonished that Madam de Larnage was not disgusted at my folly, and did +not discard me with disdain; but she plainly perceived there was more +bashfulness than indifference in my composition. + +We arrived at Valence to dinner, and according to our usual custom passed +the remainder of the day there. We lodged out of the city, at the St. +James, an inn I shall never forget. After dinner, Madam de Larnage +proposed a walk; she knew the marquis was no walker, consequently, this +was an excellent plan for a tete-a-tete, which she was predetermined to +make the most of. While we were walking round the city by the side of +the moats, I entered on a long history of my complaint, to which she +answered in so tender an accent, frequently pressing my arm, which she +held to her heart, that it required all my stupidity not to be convinced +of the sincerity of her attachment. I have already observed that she was +amiable; love rendered her charming, adding all the loveliness of youth: +and she managed her advances with so much art, that they were sufficient +to have seduced the most insensible: I was, therefore, in very uneasy +circumstances, and frequently on the point of making a declaration; but +the dread of offending her, and the still greater of being laughed at, +ridiculed, made table-talk, and complimented on my enterprise by the +satirical marquis, had such unconquerable power over me, that, though +ashamed of my ridiculous bashfulness, I could not take courage to +surmount it. I had ended the history of my complaints, which I felt the +ridiculousness of at this time; and not knowing how to look, or what to +say, continued silent, giving the finest opportunity in the world for +that ridicule I so much dreaded. Happily, Madam de Larnage took a more +favorable resolution, and suddenly interrupted this silence by throwing +her arms round my neck, while, at the same instant, her lips spoke too +plainly on mine to be any longer misunderstood. This was reposing that +confidence in me the want of which has almost always prevented me from +appearing myself: for once I was at ease, my heart, eyes and tongue, +spoke freely what I felt; never did I make better reparation for my +mistakes, and if this little conquest had cost Madam de Larnage some +difficulties, I have reason to believe she did not regret them. + +Was I to live a hundred years, I should never forget this charming woman. +I say charming, for though neither young nor beautiful, she was neither +old nor ugly, having nothing in her appearance that could prevent her wit +and accomplishments from producing all their effects. It was possible to +see her without falling in love, but those she favored could not fail to +adore her; which proves, in my opinion, that she was not generally so +prodigal of her favors. It is true, her inclination for me was so sudden +and lively, that it scarce appears excusable; though from the short, but +charming interval I passed with her, I have reason to think her heart was +more influenced than her passions. + +Our good intelligence did not escape the penetration of the marquis; not +that he discontinued his usual raillery; on the contrary, he treated me +as a sighing, hopeless swain, languishing under the rigors of his +mistress; not a word, smile, or look escaped him by which I could imagine +he suspected my happiness; and I should have thought him completely +deceived, had not Madam de Larnage, who was more clear-sighted than +myself, assured me of the contrary; but he was a well-bred man, and it +was impossible to behave with more attention or greater civility, than he +constantly paid me (notwithstanding his satirical sallies), especially +after my success, which, as he was unacquainted with my stupidity, he +perhaps gave me the honor of achieving. It has already been seen that he +was mistaken in this particular; but no matter, I profited by his error, +for being conscious that the laugh was on my side, I took all his sallies +in good part, and sometimes parried them with tolerable success; for, +proud of the reputation of wit which Madam de Larnage had thought fit to +discover in me, I no longer appeared the same man. + +We were both in a country and season of plenty, and had everywhere +excellent cheer, thanks to the good cares of the marquis; though I would +willingly have relinquished this advantage to have been more satisfied +with the situation of our chambers; but he always sent his footman on to +provide them; and whether of his own accord, or by the order of his +master, the rogue always took care that the marquis' chamber should be +close by Madam de Larnage's, while mine was at the further end of the +house: but that made no great difference, or perhaps it rendered our +rendezvous the more charming; this happiness lasted four or five days, +during which time I was intoxicated with delight, which I tasted pure and +serene without any alloy; an advantage I could never boast before; and, +I may add, it is owing to Madam de Larnage that I did not go out of the +world without having tasted real pleasure. + +If the sentiment I felt for her was not precisely love, it was at least a +very tender return of what she testified for me; our meetings were so +delightful, that they possessed all the sweets of love; without that kind +of delirium which affects the brain, and even tends to diminish our +happiness. I never experienced true love but once in my life, and that +was not with Madam de Larnage, neither did I feel that affection for her +which I had been sensible of, and yet continued to possess, for Madam de +Warrens; but for this very reason, our tete-a-tetes were a hundred times +more delightful. When with Madam de Warrens, my felicity was always +disturbed by a secret sadness, a compunction of heart, which I found it +impossible to surmount. Instead of being delighted at the acquisition of +so much happiness, I could not help reproaching myself for contributing +to render her I loved unworthy: on the contrary, with Madam de Lamage, +I was proud of my happiness, and gave in to it without repugnance, while +my triumph redoubled every other charm. + +I do not recollect exactly where we quitted the marquis, who resided in +this country, but I know we were alone on our arrival at Montelimar, +where Madam de Larnage made her chambermaid get into my chaise, and +accommodate me with a seat in hers. It will easily be believed, that +travelling in this manner was by no means displeasing to me, and that I +should be very much puzzled to give any account of the country we passed +through. She had some business at Montelimar, which detained her there +two or three days; during this time she quitted me but one quarter of an +hour, for a visit she could not avoid, which embarrassed her with a +number of invitations she had no inclination to accept, and therefore +excused herself by pleading some indisposition; though she took care this +should not prevent our walking together every day, in the most charming +country, and under the finest sky imaginable. Oh! these three days! +what reason have I to regret them! Never did such happiness return +again. + +The amours of a journey cannot be very durable: it was necessary we +should part, and I must confess it was almost time; not that I was weary +of my happiness, but I might as well have been. We endeavored to comfort +each other for the pain of parting, by forming plans for our reunion; and +it was concluded, that after staying five or six weeks at Montpelier +(which would give Madam de Larnage time to prepare for my reception in +such a manner as to prevent scandal) I should return to Saint-Andiol, and +spend the winter under her direction. She gave me ample instruction on +what it was necessary I should know, on what it would be proper to say; +and how I should conduct myself. She spoke much and earnestly on the +care of my health, conjured me to consult skilful physicians, and be +attentive and exact in following their prescriptions whatever they might +happen to be. I believe her concern was sincere, for she loved me, and +gave proofs of her affection less equivocal than the prodigality of her +favors; for judging by my mode of travelling, that I was not in very +affluent circumstances (though not rich herself), on our parting, she +would have had me share the contents of her purse, which she had brought +pretty well furnished from Grenoble, and it was with great difficulty I +could make her put up with a denial. In a word, we parted; my heart full +of her idea, and leaving in hers (if I am not mistaken) a firm attachment +to me. + +While pursuing the remainder of my journey, remembrance ran over +everything that had passed from the commencement of it, and I was well +satisfied at finding myself alone in a comfortable chaise, where I could +ruminate at ease on the pleasures I had enjoyed, and those which awaited +my return. I only thought of Saint-Andiol; of the life I was to lead +there; I saw nothing but Madam de Larnage, or what related to her; the +whole universe besides was nothing to me--even Madam de Warrens was +forgotten!--I set about combining all the details by which Madam de +Larnage had endeavored to give me in advance an idea of her house, of the +neighborhood, of her connections, and manner of life, finding everything +charming. + +She had a daughter, whom she had often described in the warmest terms of +maternal affection: this daughter was fifteen lively, charming, and of an +amiable disposition. Madam de Larnage promised me her friendship; I had +not forgotten that promise, and was curious to know how Mademoiselle de +Larnage would treat her mother's 'bon ami'. These were the subjects of +my reveries from the bridge of St. Esprit to Remoulin: I had been advised +to visit the Pont-du-Gard; hitherto I had seen none of the remaining +monuments of Roman magnificence, and I expected to find this worthy the +hands by which it was constructed; for once, the reality surpassed my +expectation; this was the only time in my life it ever did so, and the +Romans alone could have produced that effect. The view of this noble and +sublime work, struck me the more forcibly, from being in the midst of a +desert, where silence and solitude render the majestic edifice more +striking, and admiration more lively, for though called a bridge it is +nothing more than an aqueduct. One cannot help exclaiming, what strength +could have transported these enormous stones so far from any quarry? And +what motive could have united the labors of so many millions of men, in a +place that no one inhabited? I remained here whole hours, in the most +ravishing contemplation, and returned pensive and thoughtful to my inn. +This reverie was by no means favorable to Madam de Larnage; she had taken +care to forewarn me against the girls of Montpelier, but not against the +Pont-du-Gard--it is impossible to provide for every contingency. + +On my arrival at Nismes, I went to see the amphitheatre, which is a far +more magnificent work than even the Pont-du-Gard, yet it made a much less +impression on me, perhaps, because my admiration had been already +exhausted on the former object; or that the situation of the latter, in +the midst of a city, was less proper to excite it. This vast and superb +circus is surrounded by small dirty houses, while yet smaller and dirtier +fill up the area, in such a manner that the whole produces an unequal and +confused effect, in which regret and indignation stifle pleasure and +surprise. The amphitheatre at Verona is a vast deal smaller, and less +beautiful than that at Nismes, but preserved with all possible care and +neatness, by which means alone it made a much stronger and more agreeable +impression on me. The French pay no regard to these things, respect no +monument of antiquity; ever eager to undertake, they never finish, nor +preserve anything that is already finished to their hands. + +I was so much better, and had gained such an appetite by exercise, that I +stopped a whole day at Pont-du-Lunel, for the sake of good entertainment +and company, this being deservedly esteemed at that time the best inn in +Europe; for those who kept it, knowing how to make its fortunate +situation turn to advantage, took care to provide both abundance and +variety. It was really curious to find in a lonely country-house, a +table every day furnished with sea and fresh-water fish, excellent game, +and choice wines, served up with all the attention and care, which are +only to be expected among the great or opulent, and all this for thirty +five sous each person: but the Pont-du-Lunel did not long remain on this +footing, for the proprietor, presuming too much on its reputation, at +length lost it entirely. + +During this journey, I really forgot my complaints, but recollected them +again on my arrival at Montpelier. My vapors were absolutely gone, but +every other complaint remained, and though custom had rendered them less +troublesome, they were still sufficient to make any one who had been +suddenly seized with them, suppose himself attacked by some mortal +disease. In effect they were rather alarming than painful, and made the +mind suffer more than the body, though it apparently threatened the +latter with destruction. While my attention was called off by the +vivacity of my passions, I paid no attention to my health; but as my +complaints were not altogether imaginary, I thought of them seriously +when the tumult had subsided. Recollecting the salutary advice of Madam +de Larnage, and the cause of my journey, I consulted the most famous +practitioners, particularly Monsieur Fizes; and through superabundance of +precaution boarded at a doctor's who was an Irishman, and named Fitz- +Morris. + +This person boarded a number of young gentlemen who were studying physic; +and what rendered his house very commodious for an invalid, he contented +himself with a moderate pension for provisions, lodging, etc., and took +nothing of his boarders for attendance as a physician. He even undertook +to execute the orders of M. Fizes, and endeavored to re-establish my +health. He certainly acquitted himself very well in this employment; as +to regimen, indigestions were not to be gained at his table; and though I +am not much hurt at privations of that kind, the objects of comparison +were so near, that I could not help thinking with myself sometimes, that +M. de Torignan was a much better provider than M. Fitz-Morris; +notwithstanding, as there was no danger of, dying with hunger, and all +the youths were gay and good-humored, I believe this manner of living was +really serviceable, and prevented my falling into those languors I had +latterly been so subject to. I passed the morning in taking medicines, +particularly, I know not what kind of waters, but believe they were those +of Vals, and in writing to Madam de Larnage: for the correspondence was +regularly kept up, and Rousseau kindly undertook to receive these letters +for his good friend Dudding. At noon I took a walk to the Canourgue, +with some of our young boarders, who were all very good lads; after this +we assembled for dinner; when this was over, an affair of importance +employed the greater part of us till night; this was going a little way +out of town to take our afternoon's collation, and make up two or three +parties at mall, or mallet. As I had neither strength nor skill, I did +not play myself but I betted on the game, and, interested for the success +of my wager, followed the players and their balls over rough and stony +roads, procuring by this means both an agreeable and salutary exercise. +We took our afternoon's refreshment at an inn out of the city. I need +not observe that these meetings were extremely merry, but should not omit +that they were equally innocent, though the girls of the house were very +pretty. M. Fitz-Morris (who was a great mall player himself) was our +president; and I must observe, notwithstanding the imputation of wildness +that is generally bestowed on students, that I found more virtuous +dispositions among these youths than could easily be found among an equal +number of men: they were rather noisy than fond of wine, and more merry +than libertine. + +I accustomed myself so much to this mode of life, and it accorded so +entirely with my humor, that I should have been very well content with a +continuance of it. Several of my fellow-boarders were Irish, from whom I +endeavored to learn some English words, as a precaution for Saint-Andiol. +The time now drew near for my departure; every letter Madam de Larnage +wrote, she entreated me not to delay it, and at length I prepared to obey +her. + +I was convinced that the physicians (who understood nothing of my +disorder) looked on my complaint as imaginary, and treated me +accordingly, with their waters and whey. In this respect physicians and +philosophers differ widely from theologians; admitting the truth only of +what they can explain, and making their knowledge the measure of +possibilities. These gentlemen understood nothing of my illness, +therefore concluded I could not be ill; and who would presume to doubt +the profound skill of a physician? I plainly saw they only meant to +amuse, and make me swallow my money; and judging their substitute at +Saint-Andiol would do me quite as much service, and be infinitely more +agreeable, I resolved to give her the preference; full, therefore, of +this wise resolution, I quitted Montpelier. + +I set off towards the end of November, after a stay of six weeks or two +months in that city, where I left a dozen louis, without either my health +or understanding being the better for it, except from a short course of +anatomy begun under M. Fitz-Morris, which I was soon obliged to abandon, +from the horrid stench of the bodies he dissected, which I found it +impossible to endure. + +Not thoroughly satisfied in my own mind on the rectitude of this +expedition, as I advanced towards the Bridge of St. Esprit (which was +equally the road to Saint-Andiol and to Chambery) I began to reflect on +Madam de Warrens, the remembrance of whose letters, though less frequent +than those from Madam de Larnage, awakened in my heart a remorse that +passion had stifled in the first part of my journey, but which became so +lively on my return, that, setting just estimate on the love of pleasure, +I found myself in such a situation of mind that I could listen wholly to +the voice of reason. Besides, in continuing to act the part of an +adventurer, I might be less fortunate than I had been in the beginning; +for it was only necessary that in all Saint-Andiol there should be one +person who had been in England, or who knew the English or anything of +their language, to prove me an impostor. The family of Madam de Larnage +might not be pleased with me, and would, perhaps, treat me unpolitely; +her daughter too made me uneasy, for, spite of myself, I thought more of +her than was necessary. I trembled lest I should fall in love with this +girl, and that very fear had already half done the business. Was I +going, in return for the mother's kindness, to seek the ruin of the +daughter? To sow dissension, dishonor, scandal, and hell itself, in her +family? The very idea struck me with horror, and I took the firmest +resolution to combat and vanquish this unhappy attachment, should I be so +unfortunate as to experience it. But why expose myself to this danger? +How miserable must the situation be to live with the mother, whom I +should be weary of, and sigh for the daughter, without daring to make +known my affection! What necessity was there to seek this situation, and +expose myself to misfortunes, affronts and remorse, for the sake of +pleasures whose greatest charm was already exhausted? For I was sensible +this attachment had lost its first vivacity. With these thoughts were +mingled reflections relative to my situation and duty to that good and +generous friend, who already loaded with debts, would become more so from +the foolish expenses I was running into, and whom I was deceiving so +unworthily. This reproach at length became so keen that it triumphed +over every temptation, and on approaching the bridge of St. Esprit I +formed the resolution to burn my whole magazine of letters from Saint- +Andiol, and continue my journey right forward to Chambery. + +I executed this resolution courageously, with some sighs I confess, but +with the heart-felt satisfaction, which I enjoyed for the first time in +my life, of saying, "I merit my own esteem, and know how to prefer duty +to pleasure." This was the first real obligation I owed my books, since +these had taught me to reflect and compare. After the virtuous +principles I had so lately adopted, after all the rules of wisdom and +honor I had proposed to myself, and felt so proud to follow, the shame of +possessing so little stability, and contradicting so egregiously my own +maxims, triumphed over the allurements of pleasure. Perhaps, after all, +pride had as much share in my resolution as virtue; but if this pride is +not virtue itself, its effects are so similar that we are pardonable in +deceiving ourselves. + +One advantage resulting from good actions is that they elevate the soul +to a disposition of attempting still better; for such is human weakness, +that we must place among our good deeds an abstinence from those crimes +we are tempted to commit. No sooner was my resolution confirmed than I +became another man, or rather, I became what I was before I had erred, +and saw in its true colors what the intoxication of the moment had either +concealed or disguised. Full of worthy sentiments and wise resolutions, +I continued my journey, intending to regulate my future conduct by the +laws of virtue, and dedicate myself without reserve to that best of +friends, to whom I vowed as much fidelity in future as I felt real +attachment. The sincerity of this return to virtue appeared to promise a +better destiny; but mine, alas! was fixed, and already begun: even at +the very moment when my heart, full of good and virtuous sentiments, was +contemplating only innocence and happiness through life, I touched on the +fatal period that was to draw after it the long chain of my misfortunes! + +My impatience to arrive at Chambery had made me use more diligence than I +meant to do. I had sent a letter from Valence, mentioning the day and +hour I should arrive, but I had gained half a day on this calculation, +which time I passed at Chaparillan, that I might arrive exactly at the +time I mentioned. I wished to enjoy to its full extent the pleasure of +seeing her, and preferred deferring this happiness a little, that +expectancy might increase the value of it. This precaution had always +succeeded; hitherto my arrival had caused a little holiday; I expected no +less this time, and these preparations, so dear to me, would have been +well worth the trouble of contriving them. + +I arrived then exactly at the hour, and while at a considerable distance, +looked forward with an expectancy of seeing her on the road to meet me. +The beating of my heart increased as I drew near the house; at length I +arrived, quite out of breath; for I had left my chaise in the town. I +see no one in the garden, at the door, or at the windows; I am seized +with terror, fearful that some accident has happened. I enter; all is +quiet; the laborers are eating their luncheon in the kitchen, and far +from observing any preparation, the servants seem surprised to see me, +not knowing I was expected. I go up--stairs, at length see her!--that +dear friend! so tenderly, truly, and entirely beloved. I instantly ran +towards her, and threw myself at her feet. "Ah! child!" said she, "art +thou returned then!" embracing me at the same time. "Have you had a +good journey? How do you do?" This reception amused me for some +moments. I then asked, whether she had received my letter? she answered +"Yes."--"I should have thought not," replied I; and the information +concluded there. A young man was with her at this time. I recollected +having seen him in the house before my departure, but at present he +seemed established there; in short, he was so; I found my place already +supplied! + +This young man came from the country of Vaud; his father, named +Vintzenried, was keeper of the prison, or, as he expressed himself, +Captain of the Castle of Chillon. This son of the captain was a +journeyman peruke-maker, and gained his living in that capacity when he +first presented himself to Madam de Warrens, who received him kindly, as +she did all comers, particularly those from her own country. He was a +tall, fair, silly youth; well enough made, with an unmeaning face, and a +mind of the same description, speaking always like the beau in a comedy, +and mingling the manners and customs of his former situation with a long +history of his gallantry and success; naming, according to his account, +not above half the marchionesses who had favored him and pretending never +to have dressed the head of a pretty woman, without having likewise +decorated her husband's; vain, foolish, ignorant and insolent; such was +the worthy substitute taken in my absence, and the companion offered me +on my return! + +O! if souls disengaged from their terrestrial bonds, yet view from the +bosom of eternal light what passes here below, pardon, dear and +respectable shade, that I show no more favor to your failings than my +own, but equally unveil both. I ought and will be just to you as to +myself; but how much less will you lose by this resolution than I shall! +How much do your amiable and gentle disposition, your inexhaustible +goodness of heart, your frankness and other amiable virtues, compensate +for your foibles, if a subversion of reason alone can be called such. +You had errors, but not vices; your conduct was reprehensible, but your +heart was ever pure. + +The new-comer had shown himself zealous and exact in all her little +commissions, which were ever numerous, and he diligently overlooked the +laborers. As noisy and insolent as I was quiet and forbearing, he was +seen or rather heard at the plough, in the hay-loft, wood-house, stable, +farm-yard, at the same instant. He neglected the gardening, this labor +being too peaceful and moderate; his chief pleasure was to load or drive +the cart, to saw or cleave wood; he was never seen without a hatchet or +pick-axe in his hand, running, knocking and hallooing with all his might. +I know not how many men's labor he performed, but he certainly made noise +enough for ten or a dozen at least. All this bustle imposed on poor +Madam de Warrens; she thought this young man a treasure, and, willing to +attach him to herself, employed the means she imagined necessary for that +purpose, not forgetting what she most depended on, the surrender of her +person. + +Those who have thus far read this work should be able to form some +judgment of my heart; its sentiments were the most constant and sincere, +particularly those which had brought me back to Chambery; what a sudden +and complete overthrow was this to my whole being! but to judge fully of +this, the reader must place himself for a moment in my situation. I saw +all the future felicity I had promised myself vanish in a moment; all the +charming ideas I had indulged so affectionately, disappear entirely; and +I, who even from childhood had not been able to consider my existence for +a moment as separate from hers, for the first time saw myself utterly +alone. This moment was dreadful, and those that succeeded it were ever +gloomy. I was yet young, but the pleasing sentiments of enjoyment and +hope, which enliven youth, were extinguished. From that hour my +existence seemed half annihilated. I contemplated in advance the +melancholy remains of an insipid life, and if at any time an image of +happiness glanced through my mind, it was not that which appeared natural +to me, and I felt that even should I obtain it I must still be wretched. + +I was so dull of apprehension, and my confidence in her was so great, +that, notwithstanding the familiar tone of the new-comer, which I looked +on as an effect of the easy disposition of Madam de Warrens, which +rendered her free with everyone, I never should have suspected his real +situation had not she herself informed me of it; but she hastened to make +this avowal with a freedom calculated to inflame me with resentment, +could my heart have turned to that point. Speaking of this connection as +quite immaterial with respect to herself, she reproached me with +negligence in the care of the family, and mentioned my frequent absence, +as though she had been in haste to supply my place. "Ah!" said I, my +heart bursting with the most poignant grief, "what do you dare to inform +me of? Is this the reward of an attachment like mine? Have you so many +times preserved my life, for the sole purpose of taking from me all that +could render it desirable? Your infidelity will bring me to the grave, +but you will regret my loss!" She answered with a tranquillity +sufficient to distract me, that I talked like a child; that people did +not die from such slight causes; that our friendship need be no less +sincere, nor we any less intimate, for that her tender attachment to me +could neither diminish nor end but with herself; in a word she gave me to +understand that my happiness need not suffer any decrease from the good +fortune of this new favorite. + +Never did the purity, truth and force of my attachment to her appear more +evident; never did I feel the sincerity and honesty of my soul more +forcibly, than at that moment. I threw myself at her feet, embracing her +knees with torrents of tears. "No, madam," replied I, with the most +violent agitation, "I love you too much to disgrace you thus far, and too +truly to share you; the regret that accompanied the first acquisition of +your favors has continued to increase with my affection. I cannot +preserve them by so violent an augmentation of it. You shall ever have +my adoration: be worthy of it; to me that is more necessary than all you +can bestow. It is to you, O my dearest friend! that I resign my rights; +it is to the union of our hearts that I sacrifice my pleasure; rather +would I perish a thousand times than thus degrade her I love." + +I preserved this resolution with a constancy worthy, I may say, of the +sentiment that gave it birth. From this moment I saw this beloved woman +but with the eyes of a real son. It should be remarked here, that this +resolve did not meet her private approbation, as I too well perceived; +yet she never employed the least art to make me renounce it either by +insinuating proposals, caresses, or any of those means which women so +well know how to employ without exposing themselves to violent censure, +and which seldom fail to succeed. Reduced to seek a fate independent of +hers, and not able to devise one, I passed to the other extreme, placing +my happiness so absolutely in her, that I became almost regardless of +myself. The ardent desire to see her happy, at any rate, absorbed all my +affections; it was in vain she endeavored to separate her felicity from +mine, I felt I had a part in it, spite of every impediment. + +Thus those virtues whose seeds in my heart begun to spring up with my +misfortunes: they had been cultivated by study, and only waited the +fermentation of adversity to become prolific. The first-fruit of this +disinterested disposition was to put from my heart every sentiment of +hatred and envy against him who had supplanted me. I even sincerely +wished to attach myself to this young man; to form and educate him; to +make him sensible of his happiness, and, if possible, render him worthy +of it; in a word, to do for him what Anet had formerly done for me. But +the similarity of dispositions was wanting. More insinuating and +enlightened than Anet, I possessed neither his coolness, fortitude, nor +commanding strength of character, which I must have had in order to +succeed. Neither did the young man possess those qualities which Anet +found in me; such as gentleness, gratitude, and above all, the knowledge +of a want of his instructions, and an ardent desire to render them +useful. All these were wanting; the person I wished to improve, saw in +me nothing but an importunate, chattering pedant: while on the contrary +he admired his own importance in the house, measuring the services he +thought he rendered by the noise he made, and looking on his saws, +hatchets, and pick-axes, as infinitely more useful than all my old books: +and, perhaps, in this particular, he might not be altogether blamable; +but he gave himself a number of airs sufficient to make anyone die with +laughter. With the peasants he assumed the airs of a country gentleman; +presently he did as much with me, and at length with Madam de Warrens +herself. His name, Vintzenried, did not appear noble enough, he +therefore changed it to that of Monsieur de Courtilles, and by the latter +appellation he was known at Chambery, and in Maurienne, where he married. + +At length this illustrious personage gave himself such airs of +consequence, that he was everything in the house, and myself nothing. +When I had the misfortune to displease him, he scolded Madam de Warrens, +and a fear of exposing her to his brutality rendered me subservient to +all his whims, so that every time he cleaved wood (an office which he +performed with singular pride) it was necessary I should be an idle +spectator and admirer of his prowess. This lad was not, however, of a +bad disposition; he loved Madam de Warrens, indeed it was impossible to +do otherwise; nor had he any aversion even to me, and when he happened to +be out of his airs would listen to our admonitions, and frankly own he +was a fool; yet notwithstanding these acknowledgements his follies +continued in the same proportion. His knowledge was so contracted, and +his inclinations so mean, that it was useless to reason, and almost +impossible to be pleased with him. Not content with a most charming +woman, he amused himself with an old red-haired, toothless waiting-maid, +whose unwelcome service Madam de Warrens had the patience to endure, +though it was absolutely disgusting. I soon perceived this new +inclination, and was exasperated at it; but I saw something else, which +affected me yet more, and made a deeper impression on me than anything +had hitherto done; this was a visible coldness in the behavior of Madam +de Warrens towards me. + +The privation I had imposed on myself, and which she affected to approve, +is one of those affronts which women scarcely ever forgive. Take the +most sensible; the most philosophic female, one the least attached to +pleasure, and slighting her favors, if within your reach, will be found +the most unpardonable crime, even though she may care nothing for the +man. This rule is certainly without exception; since a sympathy so +natural and ardent was impaired in her, by an abstinence founded only on +virtue, attachment and esteem, I no longer found with her that union of +hearts which constituted all the happiness of mine; she seldom sought me +but when we had occasion to complain of this new-comer, for when they +were agreed, I enjoyed but little of her confidence, and, at length, was +scarcely ever consulted in her affairs. She seemed pleased, indeed, with +my company, but had I passed whole days without seeing her she would +hardly have missed me. + +Insensibly, I found myself desolate and alone in that house where I had +formerly been the very soul; where, if I may so express myself, I had +enjoyed a double life, and by degrees, I accustomed myself to disregard +everything that, passed, and even those who dwelt there. To avoid +continual mortifications, I shut myself up with my books, or else wept +and sighed unnoticed in the woods. This life soon became insupportable; +I felt that the presence of a woman so dear to me, while estranged from +her heart, increased my unhappiness, and was persuaded, that, ceasing to +see her, I should feel myself less cruelly separated. + +I resolved, therefore, to quit the house, mentioned it to her, and she, +far from opposing my resolution, approved it. She had an acquaintance at +Grenoble, called Madam de Deybens, whose husband was on terms of +friendship with Monsieur Malby, chief Provost of Lyons. M. Deybens +proposed my educating M. Malby's children; I accepted this offer, and +departed for Lyons without causing, and almost without feeling, the least +regret at a separation, the bare idea of which, a few months before, +would have given us both the most excruciating torments. + +I had almost as much knowledge as was necessary for a tutor, and +flattered myself that my method would be unexceptionable; but the year I +passed at M. Malby's was sufficient to undeceive me in that particular. +The natural gentleness of my disposition seemed calculated for the +employment, if hastiness had not been mingled with it. While things went +favorably, and I saw the pains (which I did not spare) succeed, I was an +angel; but a devil when they went contrary. If my pupils did not +understand me, I was hasty, and when they showed any symptoms of an +untoward disposition, I was so provoked that I could have killed them; +which behavior was not likely to render them either good or wise. I had +two under my care, and they were of very different tempers. St. Marie, +who was between eight and nine years old, had a good person and quick +apprehension, was giddy, lively, playful and mischievous; but his +mischief was ever good-humored. The younger one, named Condillac, +appeared stupid and fretful, was headstrong as a mule, and seemed +incapable of instruction. It may be supposed that between both I did not +want employment, yet with patience and temper I might have succeeded; +but wanting both, I did nothing worth mentioning, and my pupils profited +very little. I could only make use of three means, which are very weak, +and often pernicious with children; namely, sentiment, reasoning, +passion. I sometimes exerted myself so much with St. Marie, that I could +not refrain from tears, and wished to excite similar sensations in him; +as if it was reasonable to suppose a child could be susceptible to such +emotions. Sometimes I exhausted myself in reasoning, as if persuaded he +could comprehend me; and as he frequently formed very subtle arguments, +concluded he must be reasonable, because he bid fair to be so good a +logician. + +The little Condillac was still more embarrassing; for he neither +understood, answered, nor was concerned at anything; he was of an +obstinacy beyond belief, and was never happier than when he had succeeded +in putting me in a rage; then, indeed, he was the philosopher, and I the +child. I was conscious of all my faults, studied the tempers of my +pupils, and became acquainted with them; but where was the use of seeing +the evil, without being able to apply a remedy? My penetration was +unavailing, since it never prevented any mischief; and everything I +undertook failed, because all I did to effect my designs was precisely +what I ought not to have done. + +I was not more fortunate in what had only reference to myself, than in +what concerned my pupils. Madam Deybens, in recommending me to her +friend Madam de Malby, had requested her to form my manners, and endeavor +to give me an air of the world. She took some pains on this account, +wishing to teach me how to do the honors of the house; but I was so +awkward, bashful, and stupid, that she found it necessary to stop there. +This, however, did not prevent me from falling in love with her, +according to my usual custom; I even behaved in such a manner, that she +could not avoid observing it; but I never durst declare my passion; and +as the lady never seemed in a humor to make advances, I soon became weary +of my sighs and ogling, being convinced they answered no manner of +purpose. + +I had quite lost my inclination for little thieveries while with Madam de +Warrens; indeed, as everything belonged to me, there was nothing to +steal; besides, the elevated notions I had imbibed ought to have rendered +me in future above such meanness, and generally speaking they certainly +did so; but this rather proceeded from my having learned to conquer +temptations, than having succeeded in rooting out the propensity, and I +should even now greatly dread stealing, as in my infancy, were I yet +subject to the same inclinations. I had a proof of this at M. Malby's, +when, though surrounded by a number of little things that I could easily +have pilfered, and which appeared no temptation, I took it into my head +to covert some white Arbois wine, some glasses of which I had drank at +table, and thought delicious. It happened to be rather thick, and as I +fancied myself an excellent finer of wine, I mentioned my skill, and this +was accordingly trusted to my care, but in attempting to mend, I spoiled +it, though to the sight only, for it remained equally agreeable to the +taste. Profiting by this opportunity, I furnished myself from time to +time with a few bottles to drink in my own apartment; but unluckily, +I could never drink without eating; the difficulty lay therefore, +in procuring bread. It was impossible to make a reserve of this article, +and to have it brought by the footman was discovering myself, +and insulting the master of the house; I could not bear to purchase it +myself; how could a fine gentleman, with a sword at his side, enter a +baker's shop to buy a small loaf of bread? it was utterly impossible. +At length I recollected the thoughtless saying of a great princess, who, +on being informed that the country people had no bread, replied, "Then +let them eat pastry!" Yet even this resource was attended with a +difficulty. I sometimes went out alone for this very purpose, running +over the whole city, and passing thirty pastry cook's shops, without +daring to enter any one of them. In the first place, it was necessary +there should be only one person in the shop, and that person's +physiognomy must be so encouraging as to give me confidence to pass the +threshold; but when once the dear little cake was procured, and I shut up +in my chamber with that and a bottle of wine, taken cautiously from the +bottom of a cupboard, how much did I enjoy drinking my wine, and reading +a few pages of a novel; for when I have no company I always wish to read +while eating; it seems a substitute for society, and I dispatch +alternately a page and a morsel; 'tis indeed, as if my book dined with +me. + +I was neither dissolute nor sottish, never in my whole life having been +intoxicated with liquor; my little thefts were not very indiscreet, yet +they were discovered; the bottles betrayed me, and though no notice was +taken of it, I had no longer the management of the cellar. In all this +Monsieur Malby conducted himself with prudence and politeness, being +really a very deserving man, who, under a manner as harsh as his +employment, concealed a real gentleness of disposition and uncommon +goodness of heart: he was judicious, equitable, and (what would not be +expected from an officer of the Marechausse) very humane. + +Sensible of his indulgence, I became greatly attached to him, which made +my stay at Lyons longer than it would otherwise have been; but at length, +disgusted with an employment which I was not calculated for, and a +situation of great confinement, consequently disagreeable to me, after a +year's trial, during which time I spared no pains to fulfill my +engagement, I determined to quit my pupils; being convinced I should +never succeed in educating them properly. Monsieur Malby saw this as +clearly as myself, though I am inclined to think he would never have +dismissed me had I not spared him the trouble, which was an excess of +condescension in this particular, that I certainly cannot justify. + +What rendered my situation yet more insupportable was the comparison I +was continually drawing between the life I now led and that which I had +quitted; the remembrance of my dear Charmettes, my garden, trees, +fountain and orchard, but, above all, the company of her who was born to +give life and soul to every other enjoyment. On calling to mind our +pleasures and innocent life, I was seized with such oppressions and +heaviness of heart, as deprived me of the power of performing anything as +it should be. A hundred times was I tempted instantly to set off on foot +to my dear Madam de Warrens, being persuaded that could I once more see +her, I should be content to die that moment: in fine, I could no longer +resist the tender emotions which recalled me back to her, whatever it +might cost me. I accused myself of not having been sufficiently patient, +complaisant and kind; concluding I might yet live happily with her on the +terms of tender friendship, and by showing more for her than I had +hitherto done. I formed the finest projects in the world, burned to +execute them, left all, renounced everything, departed, fled, and +arriving in all the transports of my early youth, found myself once more +at her feet. Alas! I should have died there with joy, had I found in +her reception, in her embrace, or in her heart, one-quarter of what I had +formerly found there, and which I yet found the undiminished warmth of. + +Fearful illusions of transitory things, how often dost thou torment us in +vain! She received me with that excellence of heart which could only die +with her; but I sought the influence there which could never be recalled, +and had hardly been half an hour with her before I was once more +convinced that my former happiness had vanished forever, and that I was +in the same melancholy situation which I had been obliged to fly from; +yet without being able to accuse any person with my unhappiness, for +Courtilles really was not to blame, appearing to see my return with more +pleasure than dissatisfaction. But how could I bear to be a secondary +person with her to whom I had been everything, and who could never cease +being such to me? How could I live an alien in that house where I had +been the child? The sight of every object that had been witness to my +former happiness, rendered the comparison yet more distressing; I should +have suffered less in any other habitation, for this incessantly recalled +such pleasing remembrances, that it was irritating the recollection of my +loss. + +Consumed with vain regrets, given up to the most gloomy melancholy, I +resumed the custom of remaining alone, except at meals; shut up with my +books, I sought to give some useful diversion to my ideas, and feeling +the imminent danger of want, which I had so long dreaded, I sought means +to prepare for and receive it, when Madam de Warrens should have no other +resource. I had placed her household on a footing not to become worse; +but since my departure everything had been altered. He who now managed +her affairs was a spendthrift, and wished to make a great appearance; +such as keeping a good horse with elegant trappings; loved to appear gay +in the eyes of the neighbors, and was perpetually undertaking something +he did not understand. Her pension was taken up in advance, her rent was +in arrears, debts of every kind continued to accumulate; I could plainly +foresee that her pension would be seized, and perhaps suppressed; in +short, I expected nothing but ruin and misfortune, and the moment +appeared to approach so rapidly that I already felt all its horrors. + +My closet was my only amusement, and after a tedious search for remedies +for the sufferings of my mind, I determined to seek some against the evil +of distressing circumstances, which I daily expected would fall upon us, +and returning to my old chimeras, behold me once more building castles in +the air to relieve this dear friend from the cruel extremities into which +I saw her ready to fall. I did not believe myself wise enough to shine +in the republic of letters, or to stand any chance of making a fortune by +that means; a new idea, therefore, inspired me with that confidence, +which the mediocrity of my talents could not impart. + +In ceasing to teach music I had not abandoned the thoughts of it; on the +contrary, I had studied the theory sufficiently to consider myself well +informed on the subject. When reflecting on the trouble it had cost me +to read music, and the great difficulty I yet experienced in singing at +sight, I began to think the fault might as well arise from the manner of +noting as from my own dulness, being sensible it was an art which most +people find difficult to understand. By examining the formation of the +signs, I was convinced they were frequently very ill devised. I had +before thought of marking the gamut by figures, to prevent the trouble of +having lines to draw, on noting the plainest air; but had been stopped by +the difficulty of the octaves, and by the distinction of measure and +quantity: this idea returned again to my mind, and on a careful revision +of it, I found the difficulties by no means insurmountable. I pursued it +successfully, and was at length able to note any music whatever by +figures, with the greatest exactitude and simplicity. From this moment I +supposed my fortune made, and in the ardor of sharing it with her to whom +I owed everything, thought only of going to Paris, not doubting that on +presenting my project to the Academy, it would be adopted with rapture. +I had brought some money from Lyons; I augmented this stock by the sale +of my books, and in the course of a fortnight my resolution was both +formed and executed: in short, full of the magnificent ideas it had +inspired, and which were common to me on every occasion, I departed from +Savoy with my new system of music, as I had formerly done from Turin with +my heron-fountain. + +Such have been the errors and faults of my youth; I have related the +history of them with a fidelity which my heart approves; if my riper +years were dignified with some virtues, I should have related them with +the same frankness; it was my intention to have done this, but I must +forego this pleasing task and stop here. Time, which renders justice to +the characters of most men, may withdraw the veil; and should my memory +reach posterity, they may one day discover what I had to say--they will +then understand why I am now silent. + + + + +ETEXT EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS: + +All animals are distrustful of man, and with reason +Ardor for learning became so far a madness +Conversations were more serviceable than his prescriptions +Finding in every disease symptoms similar to mine +First time in my life, of saying, "I merit my own esteem" +Looking on each day as the last of my life +Making their knowledge the measure of possibilities +Men, in general, make God like themselves +One of those affronts which women scarcely ever forgive +Prescriptions serve to flatter the hopes of the patient +Read description of any malady without thinking it mine +Read without studying +Return of spring seemed to me like rising from the grave +Slighting her favors, if within your reach, a unpardonable crime +True happiness is indescribable, it is only to be felt + + + + +End of this Project Gutenberg Etext of The Confessions of Rousseau, v6 +by Jean Jacques Rousseau + diff --git a/old/jj06b10.zip b/old/jj06b10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2e2c648 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/jj06b10.zip |