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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/3907.txt b/3907.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3f615d7 --- /dev/null +++ b/3907.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3175 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, Book VII. +by Jean Jacques Rousseau + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, Book VII. + +Author: Jean Jacques Rousseau + +Release Date: December 6, 2004 [EBook #3907] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ROUSSEAU *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU +(In 12 books) + +Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus Society + +London, 1903 + + + +BOOK VII. + + +After two years' silence and patience, and notwithstanding my +resolutions, I again take up my pen: Reader, suspend your judgment +as to the reasons which force me to such a step: of these you can be no +judge until you shall have read my book. + +My peaceful youth has been seen to pass away calmly and agreeably without +any great disappointments or remarkable prosperity. This mediocrity was +mostly owing to my ardent yet feeble nature, less prompt in undertaking +than easy to discourage; quitting repose for violent agitations, but +returning to it from lassitude and inclinations, and which, placing me in +an idle and tranquil state for which alone I felt I was born, at a +distance from the paths of great virtues and still further from those of +great vices, never permitted me to arrive at anything great, either good +or bad. What a different account will I soon have to give of myself! +Fate, which for thirty years forced my inclinations, for thirty others +has seemed to oppose them; and this continued opposition, between my +situation and inclinations, will appear to have been the source of +enormous faults, unheard of misfortunes, and every virtue except that +fortitude which alone can do honor to adversity. + +The history of the first part of my life was written from memory, and is +consequently full of errors. As I am obliged to write the second part +from memory also, the errors in it will probably be still more numerous. +The agreeable remembrance of the finest portion of my years, passed with +so much tranquillity and innocence, has left in my heart a thousand +charming impressions which I love incessantly to call to my recollection. +It will soon appear how different from these those of the rest of my life +have been. To recall them to my mind would be to renew their bitterness. +Far from increasing that of my situation by these sorrowful reflections, +I repel them as much as possible, and in this endeavor often succeed so +well as to be unable to find them at will. This facility of forgetting +my misfortunes is a consolation which Heaven has reserved to me in the +midst of those which fate has one day to accumulate upon my head. My +memory, which presents to me no objects but such as are agreeable, is the +happy counterpoise of my terrified imagination, by which I foresee +nothing but a cruel futurity. + +All the papers I had collected to aid my recollection, and guide me in +this undertaking, are no longer in my possession, nor can I ever again +hope to regain them. + +I have but one faithful guide on which I can depend: this is the chain of +the sentiments by which the succession of my existence has been marked, +and by these the events which have been either the cause or the effect of +the manner of it. I easily forget my misfortunes, but I cannot forget my +faults, and still less my virtuous sentiments. The remembrance of these +is too dear to me ever to suffer them to be effaced from my mind. I may +omit facts, transpose events, and fall into some errors of dates; but I +cannot be deceived in what I have felt, nor in that which from sentiment +I have done; and to relate this is the chief end of my present work. The +real object of my confessions is to communicate an exact knowledge of +what I interiorly am and have been in every situation of my life. I have +promised the history of my mind, and to write it faithfully I have no +need of other memoirs: to enter into my own heart, as I have hitherto +done, will alone be sufficient. + +There is, however, and very happily, an interval of six or seven years, +relative to which I have exact references, in a collection of letters +copied from the originals, in the hands of M. du Peyrou. This +collection, which concludes in 1760, comprehends the whole time of my +residence at the hermitage, and my great quarrel with those who called +themselves my friends; that memorable epocha of my life, and the source +of all my other misfortunes. With respect to more recent original +letters which may remain in my possession, and are but few in number, +instead of transcribing them at the end of this collection, too +voluminous to enable me to deceive the vigilance of my Arguses, I will +copy them into the work whenever they appear to furnish any explanation, +be this either for or against myself; for I am not under the least +apprehension lest the reader should forget I make my confession, and be +induced to believe I make my apology; but he cannot expect I shall +conceal the truth when it testifies in my favor. + +The second part, it is likewise to be remembered, contains nothing in +common with the first, except truth; nor has any other advantage over it, +but the importance of the facts; in everything else, it is inferior to +the former. I wrote the first with pleasure, with satisfaction, and at +my ease, at Wootton, or in the castle Trie: everything I had to recollect +was a new enjoyment. I returned to my closet with an increased pleasure, +and, without constraint, gave that turn to my descriptions which most +flattered my imagination. + +At present my head and memory are become so weak as to render me almost +incapable of every kind of application: my present undertaking is the +result of constraint, and a heart full of sorrow. I have nothing to +treat of but misfortunes, treacheries, perfidies, and circumstances +equally afflicting. I would give the world, could I bury in the +obscurity of time, every thing I have to say, and which, in spite of +myself, I am obliged to relate. I am, at the same time, under the +necessity of being mysterious and subtle, of endeavoring to impose and of +descending to things the most foreign to my nature. The ceiling under +which I write has eyes; the walls of my chamber have ears. Surrounded by +spies and by vigilant and malevolent inspectors, disturbed, and my +attention diverted, I hastily commit to paper a few broken sentences, +which I have scarcely time to read, and still less to correct. I know +that, notwithstanding the barriers which are multiplied around me, my +enemies are afraid truth should escape by some little opening. What +means can I take to introduce it to the world? This, however, I attempt +with but few hopes of success. The reader will judge whether or not such +a situation furnishes the means of agreeable descriptions, or of giving +them a seductive coloring! I therefore inform such as may undertake to +read this work, that nothing can secure them from weariness in the +prosecution of their task, unless it be the desire of becoming more fully +acquainted with a man whom they already know, and a sincere love of +justice and truth. + +In my first part I brought down my narrative to my departure with +infinite regret from Paris, leaving my heart at Charmettes, and, there +building my last castle in the air, intending some day to return to the +feet of mamma, restored to herself, with the treasures I should have +acquired, and depending upon my system of music as upon a certain +fortune. + +I made some stay at Lyons to visit my acquaintance, procure letters of +recommendation to Paris, and to sell my books of geometry which I had +brought with me. I was well received by all whom I knew. M. and Madam +de Malby seemed pleased to see me again, and several times invited me to +dinner. At their house I became acquainted with the Abbe de Malby, as I +had already done with the Abbe de Condillac, both of whom were on a visit +to their brother. The Abbe de Malby gave me letters to Paris; among +others, one to M. de Pontenelle, and another to the Comte de Caylus. +These were very agreeable acquaintances, especially the first, to whose +friendship for me his death only put a period, and from whom, in our +private conversations, I received advice which I ought to have more +exactly followed. + +I likewise saw M. Bordes, with whom I had been long acquainted, and who +had frequently obliged me with the greatest cordiality and the most real +pleasure. He it was who enabled me to sell my books; and he also gave me +from himself good recommendations to Paris. I again saw the intendant +for whose acquaintance I was indebted to M. Bordes, and who introduced me +to the Duke de Richelieu, who was then passing through Lyons. M. Pallu +presented me. The Duke received me well, and invited me to come and see +him at Paris; I did so several times; although this great acquaintance, +of which I shall frequently have occasion to speak, was never of the most +trifling utility to me. + +I visited the musician David, who, in one of my former journeys, and in +my distress, had rendered me service. He had either lent or given me a +cap and a pair of stockings, which I have never returned, nor has he ever +asked me for them, although we have since that time frequently seen each +other. I, however, made him a present, something like an equivalent. +I would say more upon this subject, were what I have owned in question; +but I have to speak of what I have done, which, unfortunately, is far +from being the same thing. + +I also saw the noble and generous Perrichon, and not without feeling the +effects of his accustomed munificence; for he made me the same present he +had previously done to the elegant Bernard, by paying for my place in the +diligence. I visited the surgeon Parisot, the best and most benevolent +of men; as also his beloved Godefroi, who had lived with him ten years, +and whose merit chiefly consisted in her gentle manners and goodness of +heart. It was impossible to see this woman without pleasure, or to leave +her without regret. Nothing better shows the inclinations of a man, than +the nature of his attachments. + + [Unless he be deceived in his choice, or that she, to whom he + attaches himself, changes her character by an extraordinary + concurrence of causes, which is not absolutely impossible. Were + this consequence to be admitted without modification, Socrates must + be judged of by his wife Xantippe, and Dion by his friend Calippus, + which would be the most false and iniquitous judgment ever made. + However, let no injurious application be here made to my wife. She + is weak and more easily deceived than I at first imagined, but by + her pure and excellent character she is worthy of all my esteem.] + +Those who had once seen the gentle Godefroi, immediately knew the good +and amiable Parisot. + +I was much obliged to all these good people, but I afterwards neglected +them all; not from ingratitude, but from that invincible indolence which +so often assumes its appearance. The remembrance of their services has +never been effaced from my mind, nor the impression they made from my +heart; but I could more easily have proved my gratitude, than assiduously +have shown them the exterior of that sentiment. Exactitude in +correspondence is what I never could observe; the moment I began to +relax, the shame and embarrassment of repairing my fault made me +aggravate it, and I entirely desist from writing; I have, therefore, been +silent, and appeared to forget them. Parisot and Perrichon took not the +least notice of my negligence, and I ever found them the same. But, +twenty years afterwards it will be seen, in M. Bordes, to what a degree +the self-love of a wit can make him carry his vengeance when he feels +himself neglected. + +Before I leave Lyons, I must not forget an amiable person, whom I again +saw with more pleasure than ever, and who left in my heart the most +tender remembrance. This was Mademoiselle Serre, of whom I have spoken +in my first part; I renewed my acquaintance with her whilst I was at M. +de Malby's. + +Being this time more at leisure, I saw her more frequently, and she made +the most sensible impressions on my heart. I had some reason to believe +her own was not unfavorable to my pretensions; but she honored me with +her confidence so far as to remove from me all temptation to allure her +partiality. + +She had no fortune, and in this respect exactly resembled myself; our +situations were too similar to permit us to become united; and with the +views I then had, I was far from thinking of marriage. She gave me to +understand that a young merchant, one M. Geneve, seemed to wish to obtain +her hand. I saw him once or twice at her lodgings; he appeared to me to +be an honest man, and this was his general character. Persuaded she +would be happy with him, I was desirous he should marry her, which he +afterwards did; and that I might not disturb their innocent love, +I hastened my departure; offering up, for the happiness of that charming +woman, prayers, which, here below were not long heard. Alas! her time +was very short, for I afterwards heard she died in the second or third +year after her marriage. My mind, during the journey, was wholly +absorbed in tender regret. I felt, and since that time, when these +circumstances have been present to my recollection, have frequently done +the same; that although the sacrifices made to virtue and our duty may +sometimes be painful, we are well rewarded by the agreeable remembrance +they leave deeply engravers in our hearts. + +I this time saw Paris in as favorable a point of view as it had appeared +to me in an unfavorable one at my first journey; not that my ideas of its +brilliancy arose from the splendor of my lodgings; for in consequence of +an address given me by M. Bordes, I resided at the Hotel St. Quentin, Rue +des Cordier, near the Sorbonne; a vile street, a miserable hotel, and a +wretched apartment: but nevertheless a house in which several men of +merit, such as Gresset, Bordes, Abbe Malby, Condillac, and several +others, of whom unfortunately I found not one, had taken up their +quarters; but I there met with M. Bonnefond, a man unacquainted with the +world, lame, litigious, and who affected to be a purist. To him I owe +the acquaintance of M. Roguin, at present the oldest friend I have and by +whose means I became acquainted with Diderot, of whom I shall soon have +occasion to say a good deal. + +I arrived at Paris in the autumn of 1741, with fifteen louis in my purse, +and with my comedy of Narcissus and my musical project in my pocket. +These composed my whole stock; consequently I had not much time to lose +before I attempted to turn the latter to some advantage. I therefore +immediately thought of making use of my recommendations. + +A young man who arrives at Paris, with a tolerable figure, and announces +himself by his talents, is sure to be well received. This was my good +fortune, which procured me some pleasure without leading to anything +solid. Of all the persons to whom I was recommended, three only were +useful to me. M. Damesin, a gentleman of Savoy, at that time equerry, +and I believe favorite, of the Princess of Carignan; M. de Boze, +Secretary of the Academy of Inscriptions, and keeper of the medals of the +king's cabinet; and Father Castel, a Jesuit, author of the 'Clavecin +oculaire'.--[ocular harpsichord.] + +All these recommendations, except that to M. Damesin, were given me by +the Abbe de Malby. + +M. Damesin provided me with that which was most needful, by means of two +persons with whom he brought me acquainted. One was M. Gase, 'president +a mortier' of the parliament of Bordeaux, and who played very well upon +the violin; the other, the Abbe de Leon, who then lodged in the Sorbonne, +a young nobleman; extremely amiable, who died in the flower of his age, +after having, for a few moments, made a figure in the world under the +name of the Chevalier de Rohan. Both these gentlemen had an inclination +to learn composition. In this I gave them lessons for a few months, by +which means my decreasing purse received some little aid. The Abbe Leon +conceived a friendship for me, and wished me to become his secretary; but +he was far from being rich, and all the salary he could offer me was +eight hundred livres, which, with infinite regret, I refused; since it +was insufficient to defray the expenses of my lodging, food, and +clothing. + +I was well received by M. de Boze. He had a thirst for knowledge, of +which he possessed not a little, but was somewhat pedantic. Madam de +Boze much resembled him; she was lively and affected. I sometimes dined +with them, and it is impossible to be more awkward than I was in her +presence. Her easy manner intimidated me, and rendered mine more +remarkable. When she presented me a plate, I modestly put forward my +fork to take one of the least bits of what she offered me, which made her +give the plate to her servant, turning her head aside that I might not +see her laugh. She had not the least suspicion that in the head of the +rustic with whom she was so diverted there was some small portion of wit. +M. de Boze presented me to M. de Reaumur, his friend, who came to dine +with him every Friday, the day on which the Academy of Sciences met. He +mentioned to him my project, and the desire I had of having it examined +by the academy. M. de Reaumur consented to make the proposal, and his +offer was accepted. On the day appointed I was introduced and presented +by M. de Reaumur, and on the same day, August 22d, 1742, I had the honor +to read to the academy the memoir I had prepared for that purpose. +Although this illustrious assembly might certainly well be expected to +inspire me with awe, I was less intimidated on this occasion than I had +been in the presence of Madam de Boze, and I got tolerably well through +my reading and the answers I was obliged to give. The memoir was well +received, and acquired me some compliments by which I was equally +surprised and flattered, imagining that before such an assembly, whoever +was not a member of it could not have commonsense. The persons appointed +to examine my system were M. Mairan, M. Hellot, and M. de Fouchy, all +three men of merit, but not one of them understood music, at least not +enough of composition to enable them to judge of my project. + +During my conference with these gentlemen, I was convinced with no less +certainty than surprise, that if men of learning have sometimes fewer +prejudices than others, they more tenaciously retain those they have. +However weak or false most of their objections were, and although I +answered them with great timidity, and I confess, in bad terms, yet with +decisive reasons, I never once made myself understood, or gave them any +explanation in the least satisfactory. I was constantly surprised at the +facility with which, by the aid of a few sonorous phrases, they refuted, +without having comprehended me. They had learned, I know not where, that +a monk of the name of Souhaitti had formerly invented a mode of noting +the gamut by ciphers: a sufficient proof that my system was not new. +This might, perhaps, be the case; for although I had never heard of +Father Souhaitti, and notwithstanding his manner of writing the seven +notes without attending to the octaves was not, under any point of view, +worthy of entering into competition with my simple and commodious +invention for easily noting by ciphers every possible kind of music, +keys, rests, octaves, measure, time, and length of note; things on which +Souhaitti had never thought it was nevertheless true, that with respect +to the elementary expression of the seven notes, he was the first +inventor. + +But besides their giving to this primitive invention more importance than +was due to it, they went still further, and, whenever they spoke of the +fundamental principles of the system, talked nonsense. The greatest +advantage of my scheme was to supersede transpositions and keys, so that +the same piece of music was noted and transposed at will by means of the +change of a single initial letter at the head of the air. These +gentlemen had heard from the music--masters of Paris that the method of +executing by transposition was a bad one; and on this authority converted +the most evident advantage of my system into an invincible objection +against it, and affirmed that my mode of notation was good for vocal +music, but bad for instrumental; instead of concluding as they ought to +have done, that it was good for vocal, and still better for instrumental. +On their report the academy granted me a certificate full of fine +compliments, amidst which it appeared that in reality it judged my system +to be neither new nor useful. I did not think proper to ornament with +such a paper the work entitled 'Dissertation sur la musique moderne', by +which I appealed to the public. + +I had reason to remark on this occasion that, even with a narrow +understanding, the sole but profound knowledge of a thing is preferable +for the purpose of judging of it, to all the lights resulting from a +cultivation of the sciences, when to these a particular study of that in +question has not been joined. The only solid objection to my system was +made by Rameau. I had scarcely explained it to him before he discovered +its weak part. "Your signs," said he, "are very good inasmuch as they +clearly and simply determine the length of notes, exactly represent +intervals, and show the simple in the double note, which the common +notation does not do; but they are objectionable on account of their +requiring an operation of the mind, which cannot always accompany the +rapidity of execution. The position of our notes," continued he, "is +described to the eye without the concurrence of this operation. If two +notes, one very high and the other very low, be joined by a series of +intermediate ones, I see at the first glance the progress from one to the +other by conjoined degrees; but in your system, to perceive this series, +I must necessarily run over your ciphers one after the other; the glance +of the eye is here useless." The objection appeared to me +insurmountable, and I instantly assented to it. Although it be simple +and striking, nothing can suggest it but great knowledge and practice of +the art, and it is by no means astonishing that not one of the +academicians should have thought of it. But what creates much surprise +is, that these men of great learning, and who are supposed to possess so +much knowledge, should so little know that each ought to confine his +judgment to that which relates to the study with which he has been +conversant. + +My frequent visits to the literati appointed to examine my system and the +other academicians gave me an opportunity of becoming acquainted with the +most distinguished men of letters in Paris, and by this means the +acquaintance that would have been the consequence of my sudden admission +amongst them, which afterwards came to pass, was already established. +With respect to the present moment, absorbed in my new system of music, +I obstinately adhered to my intention of effecting a revolution in the +art, and by that means of acquiring a celebrity which, in the fine arts, +is in Paris mostly accompanied by fortune. I shut myself in my chamber +and labored three or four months with inexpressible ardor, in forming +into a work for the public eye, the memoir I had read before the academy. +The difficulty was to find a bookseller to take my manuscript; and this +on account of the necessary expenses for new characters, and because +booksellers give not their money by handfuls to young authors; although +to me it seemed but just my work should render me the bread I had eaten +while employed in its composition. + +Bonnefond introduced me to Quillau the father, with whom I agreed to +divide the profits, without reckoning the privilege, of which I paid the +whole expense. Such were the future proceedings of this Quillau that I +lost the expenses of my privilege, never having received a farthing from +that edition; which, probably, had but very middling success, although +the Abbe des Fontaines promised to give it celebrity, and, +notwithstanding the other journalists, had spoken of it very favorably. + +The greatest obstacle to making the experiment of my system was the fear, +in case of its not being received, of losing the time necessary to learn +it. To this I answered, that my notes rendered the ideas so clear, that +to learn music by means of the ordinary characters, time would be gained +by beginning with mine. To prove this by experience, I taught music +gratis to a young American lady, Mademoiselle des Roulins, with whom M. +Roguin had brought me acquainted. In three months she read every kind of +music, by means of my notation, and sung at sight better than I did +myself, any piece that was not too difficult. This success was +convincing, but not known; any other person would have filled the +journals with the detail, but with some talents for discovering useful +things, I never have possessed that of setting them off to advantage. + +Thus was my airy castle again overthrown; but this time I was thirty +years of age, and in Paris, where it is impossible to live for a trifle. +The resolution I took upon this occasion will astonish none but those by +whom the first part of these memoirs has not been read with attention. +I had just made great and fruitless efforts, and was in need of +relaxation. Instead of sinking with despair I gave myself up quietly to +my indolence and to the care of Providence; and the better to wait for +its assistance with patience, I lay down a frugal plan for the slow +expenditure of a few louis, which still remained in my possession, +regulating the expense of my supine pleasures without retrenching it; +going to the coffee-house but every other day, and to the theatre but +twice a week. With respect to the expenses of girls of easy virtue, I +had no retrenchment to make; never having in the whole course of my life +applied so much as a farthing to that use except once, of which I shall +soon have occasion to speak. The security, voluptuousness, and +confidence with which I gave myself up to this indolent and solitary +life, which I had not the means of continuing for three months, is one of +the singularities of my life, and the oddities of my disposition. The +extreme desire I had, the public should think of me was precisely what +discouraged me from showing myself; and the necessity of paying visits +rendered them to such a degree insupportable, that I ceased visiting the +academicians and other men of letters, with whom I had cultivated an +acquaintance. Marivaux, the Abbe Malby, and Fontenelle, were almost the +only persons whom I sometimes went to see. To the first I showed my +comedy of Narcissus. He was pleased with it, and had the goodness to +make in it some improvements. Diderot, younger than these, was much +about my own age. He was fond of music, and knew it theoretically; we +conversed together, and he communicated to me some of his literary +projects. This soon formed betwixt us a more intimate connection, which +lasted fifteen years, and which probably would still exist were not I, +unfortunately, and by his own fault, of the same profession with himself. + +It would be impossible to imagine in what manner I employed this short +and precious interval which still remained to me, before circumstances +forced me to beg my bread:--in learning by memory passages from the poets +which I had learned and forgotten a hundred times. Every morning at ten +o'clock, I went to walk in the Luxembourg with a Virgil and a Rousseau in +my pocket, and there, until the hour of dinner, I passed away the time in +restoring to my memory a sacred ode or a bucolic, without being +discouraged by forgetting, by the study of the morning, what I had +learned the evening before. I recollected that after the defeat of +Nicias at Syracuse the captive Athenians obtained a livelihood by +reciting the poems of Homer. The use I made of this erudition to ward +off misery was to exercise my happy memory by learning all the poets by +rote. + +I had another expedient, not less solid, in the game of chess, to which I +regularly dedicated, at Maugis, the evenings on which I did not go to the +theatre. I became acquainted with M. de Legal, M. Husson, Philidor, and +all the great chess players of the day, without making the least +improvement in the game. However, I had no doubt but, in the end, I +should become superior to them all, and this, in my own opinion, was a +sufficient resource. The same manner of reasoning served me in every +folly to which I felt myself inclined. I said to myself: whoever excels +in anything is sure to acquire a distinguished reception in society. Let +us therefore excel, no matter in what, I shall certainly be sought after; +opportunities will present themselves, and my own merit will do the rest. +This childishness was not the sophism of my reason; it was that of my +indolence. Dismayed at the great and rapid efforts which would have been +necessary to call forth my endeavors, I strove to flatter my idleness, +and by arguments suitable to the purpose, veiled from my own eyes the +shame of such a state. + +I thus calmly waited for the moment when I was to be without money; and +had not Father Castel, whom I sometimes went to see in my way to the +coffee-house, roused me from my lethargy, I believe I should have seen +myself reduced to my last farthing without the least emotion. Father +Castel was a madman, but a good man upon the whole; he was sorry to see +me thus impoverish myself to no purpose. "Since musicians and the +learned," said he, "do not sing by your scale, change the string, and +apply to the women. You will perhaps succeed better with them. I have +spoken of you to Madam de Beuzenval; go to her from me; she is a good +woman who will be glad to see the countryman of her son and husband. You +will find at her house Madam de Broglie, her daughter, who is a woman of +wit. Madam Dupin is another to whom I also have mentioned you; carry her +your work; she is desirous of seeing you, and will receive you well. No +thing is done in Paris without the women. They are the curves, of which +the wise are the asymptotes; they incessantly approach each other, but +never touch." + +After having from day to day delayed these very disagreeable steps, I at +length took courage, and called upon Madam de Beuzenval. She received me +with kindness; and Madam de Broglio entering the chamber, she said to +her: "Daughter, this is M. Rousseau, of whom Father Castel has spoken to +us." Madam de Broglie complimented me upon my work, and going to her +harpsichord proved to me she had already given it some attention. +Perceiving it to be about one o'clock, I prepared to take my leave. +Madam de Beuzenval said to me: "You are at a great distance from the +quarter of the town in which you reside; stay and dine here." I did not +want asking a second time. A quarter of an hour afterwards, +I understood, by a word, that the dinner to which she had invited me was +that of her servants' hall. Madam de Beuzenval was a very good kind of +woman, but of a confined understanding, and too full of her illustrious +Polish nobility: she had no idea of the respect due to talents. On this +occasion, likewise, she judged me by my manner rather than by my dress, +which, although very plain, was very neat, and by no means announced a +man to dine with servants. I had too long forgotten the way to the place +where they eat to be inclined to take it again. Without suffering my +anger to appear, I told Madam de Beuzenval that I had an affair of a +trifling nature which I had just recollected obliged me to return home, +and I immediately prepared to depart. Madam de Broglie approached her +mother, and whispered in her ear a few words which had their effect. +Madam de Beuzenval rose to prevent me from going, and said, "I expect +that you will do us the honor to dine with us." In this case I thought +to show pride would be a mark of folly, and I determined to stay. The +goodness of Madam de Broglie had besides made an impression upon me, and +rendered her interesting in my eyes. I was very glad to dine with her, +and hoped, that when she knew me better, she would not regret having +procured me that honor. The President de Lamoignon, very intimate in the +family, dined there also. He, as well as Madam de Broglie, was a master +of all the modish and fashionable small talk jargon of Paris. Poor Jean +Jacques was unable to make a figure in this way. I had sense enough not +to pretend to it, and was silent. Happy would it have been for me, had I +always possessed the same wisdom; I should not be in the abyss into which +I am now fallen. I was vexed at my own stupidity, and at being unable to +justify to Madam de Broglie what she had done in my favor. + +After dinner I thought of my ordinary resource. I had in my pocket an +epistle in verse, written to Parisot during my residence at Lyons. This +fragment was not without some fire, which I increased by my manner of +reading, and made them all three shed tears. Whether it was vanity, or +really the truth, I thought the eyes of Madam de Broglie seemed to say to +her mother: "Well, mamma, was I wrong in telling you this man was fitter +to dine with us than with your women?" Until then my heart had been +rather burdened, but after this revenge I felt myself satisfied. Madam +de Broglie, carrying her favorable opinion of me rather too far, thought +I should immediately acquire fame in Paris, and become a favorite with +fine ladies. To guide my inexperience she gave me the confessions of the +Count de -----. "This book," said she, "is a Mentor, of which you will +stand in need in the great world. You will do well by sometimes +consulting it." I kept the book upwards of twenty years with a sentiment +of gratitude to her from whose hand I had received it, although I +frequently laughed at the opinion the lady seemed to have of my merit in +gallantry. From the moment I had read the work, I was desirous of +acquiring the friendship of the author. My inclination led me right; he +is the only real friend I ever possessed amongst men of letters. + + [I have so long been of the same opinion, and so perfectly convinced + of its being well founded, that since my return to Paris I confided + to him the manuscript of my confessions. The suspicious J. J. + never suspected perfidy and falsehood until he had been their + victim.] + +From this time I thought I might depend on the services of Madam the +Baroness of Beuzenval, and the Marchioness of Broglie, and that they +would not long leave me without resource. In this I was not deceived. +But I must now speak of my first visit to Madam Dupin, which produced +more lasting consequences. + +Madam Dupin was, as every one in Paris knows, the daughter of Samuel +Bernard and Madam Fontaine. There were three sisters, who might be +called the three graces. Madam de la Touche who played a little prank, +and went to England with the Duke of Kingston. Madam Darby, the eldest +of the three; the friend, the only sincere friend of the Prince of Conti; +an adorable woman, as well by her sweetness and the goodness of her +charming character, as by her agreeable wit and incessant cheerfulness. +Lastly, Madam Dupin, more beautiful than either of her sisters, and the +only one who has not been reproached with some levity of conduct. + +She was the reward of the hospitality of M. Dupin, to whom her mother +gave her in marriage with the place of farmer general and an immense +fortune, in return for the good reception he had given her in his +province. When I saw her for the first time, she was still one of the +finest women in Paris. She received me at her toilette, her arms were +uncovered, her hair dishevelled, and her combing-cloth ill-arranged. +This scene was new to me; it was too powerful for my poor head, I became +confused, my senses wandered; in short, I was violently smitten by Madam +Dupin. + +My confusion was not prejudicial to me; she did not perceive it. She +kindly received the book and the author; spoke with information of my +plan, sung, accompanied herself on the harpsichord, kept me to dinner, +and placed me at table by her side. Less than this would have turned my +brain; I became mad. She permitted me to visit her, and I abused the +permission. I went to see her almost every day, and dined with her twice +or thrice a week. I burned with inclination to speak, but never dared +attempt it. Several circumstances increased my natural timidity. +Permission to visit in an opulent family was a door open to fortune, and +in my situation I was unwilling to run the risk of shutting it against +myself. + +Madam Dupin, amiable as she was, was serious and unanimated; I found +nothing in her manners sufficiently alluring to embolden me. Her house, +at that time, as brilliant as any other in Paris, was frequented by +societies the less numerous, as the persons by whom they were composed +were chosen on account of some distinguished merit. She was fond of +seeing every one who had claims to a marked superiority; the great men of +letters, and fine women. No person was seen in her circle but dukes, +ambassadors, and blue ribbons. The Princess of Rohan, the Countess of +Forcalquier, Madam de Mirepoix, Madam de Brignole, and Lady Hervey, +passed for her intimate friends. The Abbes de Fontenelle, de Saint +Pierre, and Saltier, M. de Fourmont, M. de Berms, M. de Buffon, and M. de +Voltaire, were of her circle and her dinners. If her reserved manner did +not attract many young people, her society inspired the greater awe, as +it was composed of graver persons, and the poor Jean-Jacques had no +reason to flatter himself he should be able to take a distinguished part +in the midst of such superior talents. I therefore had not courage to +speak; but no longer able to contain myself, I took a resolution to +write. For the first two days she said not a word to me upon the +subject. On the third day, she returned me my letter, accompanying it +with a few exhortations which froze my blood. I attempted to speak, but +my words expired upon my lips; my sudden passion was extinguished with my +hopes, and after a declaration in form I continued to live with her upon +the same terms as before, without so much as speaking to her even by the +language of the eyes. + +I thought my folly was forgotten, but I was deceived. M. de Francueil, +son to M. Dupin, and son-in-law to Madam Dupin, was much the same with +herself and me. He had wit, a good person, and might have pretensions. +This was said to be the case, and probably proceeded from his +mother-in-law's having given him an ugly wife of a mild disposition, +with whom, as well as with her husband, she lived upon the best of +terms. M. de Francueil was fond of talents in others, and cultivated +those he possessed. Music, which he understood very well, was a means +of producing a connection between us. I frequently saw him, and he soon +gained my friendship. He, however, suddenly gave me to understand that +Madam Dupin thought my visits too frequent, and begged me to discontinue +them. Such a compliment would have been proper when she returned my +letter; but eight or ten days afterwards, and without any new cause, it +appeared to me ill-timed. This rendered my situation the more singular, +as M. and Madam de Francueil still continued to give me the same good +reception as before. + +I however made the intervals between my visits longer, and I should +entirely have ceased calling on them, had not Madam Dupin, by another +unexpected caprice, sent to desire I would for a few days take care of +her son, who changing his preceptor, remained alone during that interval. +I passed eight days in such torments as nothing but the pleasure of +obeying Madam Dupin could render supportable: I would not have undertaken +to pass eight other days like them had Madam Dupin given me herself for +the recompense. + +M. de Francueil conceived a friendship for me, and I studied with him. +We began together a course of chemistry at Rouelles. That I might be +nearer at hand, I left my hotel at Quentin, and went to lodge at the +Tennis Court, Rue Verdelet, which leads into the Rue Platiere, where M. +Dupin lived. There, in consequence of a cold neglected, I contracted an +inflammation of the lungs that had liked to have carried me off. In my +younger days I frequently suffered from inflammatory disorders, +pleurisies, and especially quinsies, to which I was very subject, and +which frequently brought me near enough to death to familiarize me to its +image. + +During my convalescence I had leisure to reflect upon my situation, and +to lament my timidity, weakness and indolence; these, notwithstanding the +fire with which I found myself inflamed, left me to languish in an +inactivity of mind, continually on the verge of misery. The evening +preceding the day on which I was taken ill, I went to an opera by Royer; +the name I have forgotten. Notwithstanding my prejudice in favor of the +talents of others, which has ever made me distrustful of my own, I still +thought the music feeble, and devoid of animation and invention. I +sometimes had the vanity to flatter myself: I think I could do better +than that. But the terrible idea I had formed of the composition of an +opera, and the importance I heard men of the profession affix to such an +undertaking, instantly discouraged me, and made me blush at having so +much as thought of it. Besides, where was I to find a person to write +the words, and one who would give himself the trouble of turning the +poetry to my liking? These ideas of music and the opera had possession +of my mind during my illness, and in the delirium of my fever I composed +songs, duets, and choruses. I am certain I composed two or three little +pieces, 'di prima infenzione', perhaps worthy of the admiration of +masters, could they have heard them executed. Oh, could an account be +taken of the dreams of a man in a fever, what great and sublime things +would sometimes proceed from his delirium! + +These subjects of music and opera still engaged my attention during my +convalescence, but my ideas were less energetic. Long and frequent +meditations, and which were often involuntary, and made such an +impression upon my mind that I resolved to attempt both words and music. +This was not the first time I had undertaken so difficult a task. Whilst +I was at Chambery I had composed an opera entitled 'Iphis and Anaxarete', +which I had the good sense to throw into the fire. At Lyons I had +composed another, entitled 'La Decouverte du Nouveau Monde', which, after +having read it to M. Bordes, the Abbes Malby, Trublet, and others, had +met the same fate, notwithstanding I had set the prologue and the first +act to music, and although David, after examining the composition, had +told me there were passages in it worthy of Buononcini. + +Before I began the work I took time to consider of my plan. In a heroic +ballet I proposed three different subjects, in three acts, detached from +each other, set to music of a different character, taking for each +subject the amours of a poet. I entitled this opera Les Muses Galantes. +My first act, in music strongly characterized, was Tasso; the second in +tender harmony, Ovid; and the third, entitled Anacreon, was to partake of +the gayety of the dithyrambus. I tried my skill on the first act, and +applied to it with an ardor which, for the first time, made me feel the +delightful sensation produced by the creative power of composition. One +evening, as I entered the opera, feeling myself strongly incited and +overpowered by my ideas, I put my money again into my pocket, returned to +my apartment, locked the door, and, having close drawn all the curtains, +that every ray of light might be excluded, I went to bed, abandoning +myself entirely to this musical and poetical 'oestrum', and in seven or +eight hours rapidly composed the greatest part of an act. I can truly +say my love for the Princess of Ferrara (for I was Tasso for the moment) +and my noble and lofty sentiment with respect to her unjust brother, +procured me a night a hundred times more delicious than one passed in the +arms of the princess would have been. In the morning but a very little +of what I had done remained in my head, but this little, almost effaced +by sleep and lassitude, still sufficiently evinced the energy of the +pieces of which it was the scattered remains. + +I this time did, not proceed far with my undertaking, being interrupted +by other affairs. Whilst I attached myself to the family of Dupin, Madam +de Beuzenval and Madam de Broglie, whom I continued to visit, had not +forgotten me. The Count de Montaigu, captain in the guards, had just +been appointed ambassador to Venice. He was an ambassador made by +Barjac, to whom he assiduously paid his court. His brother, the +Chevalier de Montaigu, 'gentilhomme de la manche' to the dauphin, was +acquainted with these ladies, and with the Abbe Alary of the French +academy, whom I sometimes visited. Madam de Broglie having heard the +ambassador was seeking a secretary, proposed me to him. A conference was +opened between us. I asked a salary of fifty guineas, a trifle for an +employment which required me to make some appearance. The ambassador was +unwilling to give more than a thousand livres, leaving me to make the +journey at my own expense. The proposal was ridiculous. We could not +agree, and M. de Francueil, who used all his efforts to prevent my +departure, prevailed. + +I stayed, and M. de Montaigu set out on his journey, taking with him +another secretary, one M. Follau, who had been recommended to him by the +office of foreign affairs. They no sooner arrived at Venice than they +quarrelled. Bollau perceiving he had to do with a madman, left him +there, and M. de Montaigu having nobody with him, except a young abbe of +the name of Binis, who wrote under the secretary, and was unfit to +succeed him, had recourse to me. The chevalier, his brother, a man of +wit, by giving me to understand there were advantages annexed to the +place of secretary, prevailed upon me to accept the thousand livres. +I was paid twenty louis in advance for my journey, and immediately +departed. + +At Lyons I would most willingly have taken the road to Mount Cenis, to +see my poor mamma. But I went down the Rhone, and embarked at Toulon, as +well on account of the war, and from a motive of economy, as to obtain a +passport from M. de Mirepoix, who then commanded in Provence, and to whom +I was recommended. M. de Montaigu not being able to do without me, wrote +letter after letter, desiring I would hasten my journey; this, however, +an accident considerably prolonged. + +It was at the time of the plague at Messina, and the English fleet had +anchored there, and visited the Felucca, on board of which I was, and +this circumstance subjected us, on our arrival, after a long and +difficult voyage, to a quarantine of one--and--twenty days. + +The passengers had the choice of performing it on board or in the +Lazaretto, which we were told was not yet furnished. They all chose the +Felucca. The insupportable heat, the closeness of the vessel, the +impossibility of walking in it, and the vermin with which it swarmed, +made me at all risks prefer the Lazaretto. I was therefore conducted to +a large building of two stories, quite empty, in which I found neither +window, bed, table, nor chair, not so much as even a joint-stool or +bundle of straw. My night sack and my two trunks being brought me, I was +shut in by great doors with huge locks, and remained at full liberty to +walk at my ease from chamber to chamber and story to story, everywhere +finding the same solitude and nakedness. + +This, however, did not induce me to repent that I had preferred the +Lazaretto to the Felucca; and, like another Robinson Crusoe, I began to +arrange myself for my one-and twenty days, just as I should have done for +my whole life. In the first place, I had the amusement of destroying the +vermin I had caught in the Felucca. As soon as I had got clear of these, +by means of changing my clothes and linen, I proceeded to furnish the +chamber I had chosen. I made a good mattress with my waistcoats and +shirts; my napkins I converted, by sewing them together, into sheets; my +robe de chambre into a counterpane; and my cloak into a pillow. I made +myself a seat with one of my trunks laid flat, and a table with the +other. I took out some writing paper and an inkstand, and distributed, +in the manner of a library, a dozen books which I had with me. In a +word, I so well arranged my few movables, that except curtains and +windows, I was almost as commodiously lodged in this Lazeretto, +absolutely empty as it was, as I had been at the Tennis Court in the Rue +Verdelet. My dinners were served with no small degree of pomp; they were +escorted by two grenadiers with bayonets fixed; the staircase was my +dining--room, the landing-place my table, and the steps served me for a +seat; and as soon as my dinner was served up a little bell was rung to +inform me I might sit down to table. + +Between my repasts, when I did not either read or write or work at the +furnishing of my apartment, I went to walk in the burying-ground of the +Protestants, which served me as a courtyard. From this place I ascended +to a lanthorn which looked into the harbor, and from which I could see +the ships come in and go out. In this manner I passed fourteen days, and +should have thus passed the whole time of the quarantine without the +least weariness had not M. Joinville, envoy from France, to whom I found +means to send a letter, vinegared, perfumed, and half burnt, procured +eight days of the time to be taken off: these I went and spent at his +house, where I confess I found myself better lodged than in the +Lazaretto. He was extremely civil to me. Dupont, his secretary, was a +good creature: he introduced me, as well at Genoa as in the country, to +several families, the company of which I found very entertaining and +agreeable; and I formed with him an acquaintance and a correspondence +which we kept up for a considerable length of time. I continued my +journey, very agreeably, through Lombardy. I saw Milan, Verona, Brescie, +and Padua, and at length arrived at Venice, where I was impatiently +expected by the ambassador. + +I found there piles of despatches, from the court and from other +ambassadors, the ciphered part of which he had not been able to read, +although he had all the ciphers necessary for that purpose, never having +been employed in any office, nor even seen the cipher of a minister. I +was at first apprehensive of meeting with some embarrassment; but I found +nothing could be more easy, and in less than a week I had deciphered the +whole, which certainly was not worth the trouble; for not to mention the +little activity required in the embassy of Venice, it was not to such a +man as M. de Montaigu that government would confide a negotiation of even +the most trifling importance. Until my arrival he had been much +embarrassed, neither knowing how to dictate nor to write legibly. I was +very useful to him, of which he was sensible; and he treated me well. To +this he was also induced by another motive. Since the time of M. de +Froulay, his predecessor, whose head became deranged, the consul from +France, M. le Blond, had been charged with the affairs of the embassy, +and after the arrival of M. de Montaigu, continued to manage them until +he had put him into the track. M. de Montaigu, hurt at this discharge of +his duty by another, although he himself was incapable of it, became +disgusted with the consul, and as soon as I arrived deprived him of the +functions of secretary to the embassy to give them to me. They were +inseparable from the title, and he told me to take it. As long as I +remained with him he never sent any person except myself under this title +to the senate, or to conference, and upon the whole it was natural enough +he should prefer having for secretary to the embassy a man attached to +him, to a consul or a clerk of office named by the court. + +This rendered my situation very agreeable, and prevented his gentlemen, +who were Italians, as well as his pages, and most of his suite from +disputing precedence with me in his house. I made an advantageous use of +the authority annexed to the title he had conferred upon me, by +maintaining his right of protection, that is, the freedom of his +neighborhood, against the attempts several times made to infringe it; +a privilege which his Venetian officers took no care to defend. +But I never permitted banditti to take refuge there, although this would +have produced me advantages of which his excellency would not have +disdained to partake. He thought proper, however, to claim a part of +those of the secretaryship, which is called the chancery. It was in time +of war, and there were many passports issued. For each of these +passports a sequin was paid to the secretary who made it out and +countersigned it. All my predecessors had been paid this sequin by +Frenchmen and others without distinction. I thought this unjust, and +although I was not a Frenchman, I abolished it in favor of the French; +but I so rigorously demanded my right from persons of every other nation, +that the Marquis de Scotti, brother to the favorite of the Queen of +Spain, having asked for a passport without taking notice of the sequin: I +sent to demand it; a boldness which the vindictive Italian did not +forget. As soon as the new regulation I had made, relative to passports, +was known, none but pretended Frenchmen, who in a gibberish the most +mispronounced, called themselves Provencals, Picards, or Burgundians, +came to demand them. My ear being very fine, I was not thus made a dupe, +and I am almost persuaded that not a single Italian ever cheated me of my +sequin, and that not one Frenchman ever paid it. I was foolish enough to +tell M. de Montaigu, who was ignorant of everything that passed, what I +had done. The word sequin made him open his ears, and without giving me +his opinion of the abolition of that tax upon the French, he pretended I +ought to account with him for the others, promising me at the same time +equivalent advantages. More filled with indignation at this meanness, +than concern for my own interest, I rejected his proposal. He insisted, +and I grew warm. "No, sir," said I, with some heat, "your excellency may +keep what belongs to you, but do not take from me that which is mine; I +will not suffer you to touch a penny of the perquisites arising from +passports." Perceiving he could gain nothing by these means he had +recourse to others, and blushed not to tell me that since I had +appropriated to myself the profits of the chancery, it was but just I +should pay the expenses. I was unwilling to dispute upon this subject, +and from that time I furnished at my own expense, ink, paper, wax, +wax-candle, tape, and even a new seal, for which he never reimbursed me +to the amount of a farthing. This, however, did not prevent my giving a +small part of the produce of the passports to the Abbe de Binis, a good +creature, and who was far from pretending to have the least right to any +such thing. If he was obliging to me my politeness to him was an +equivalent, and we always lived together on the best of terms. + +On the first trial I made of his talents in my official functions, +I found him less troublesome than I expected he would have been, +considering he was a man without experience, in the service of an +ambassador who possessed no more than himself, and whose ignorance and +obstinacy constantly counteracted everything with which common-sense and +some information inspired me for his service and that of the king. The +next thing the ambassador did was to connect himself with the Marquis +Mari, ambassador from Spain, an ingenious and artful man, who, had he +wished so to do, might have led him by the nose, yet on account of the +union of the interests of the two crowns he generally gave him good +advice, which might have been of essential service, had not the other, by +joining his own opinion, counteracted it in the execution. The only +business they had to conduct in concert with each other was to engage the +Venetians to maintain their neutrality. These did not neglect to give +the strongest assurances of their fidelity to their engagement at the +same time that they publicly furnished ammunition to the Austrian troops, +and even recruits under pretense of desertion. M. de Montaigu, who I +believe wished to render himself agreeable to the republic, failed not on +his part, notwithstanding my representation to make me assure the +government in all my despatches, that the Venetians would never violate +an article of the neutrality. The obstinacy and stupidity of this poor +wretch made me write and act extravagantly: I was obliged to be the agent +of his folly, because he would have it so, but he sometimes rendered my +employment insupportable and the functions of it almost impracticable. +For example, he insisted on the greatest part of his despatches to the +king, and of those to the minister, being written in cipher, although +neither of them contained anything that required that precaution. I +represented to him that between the Friday, the day the despatches from +the court arrived, and Saturday, on which ours were sent off, there was +not sufficient time to write so much in cipher, and carry on the +considerable correspondence with which I was charged for the same +courier. He found an admirable expedient, which was to prepare on +Thursday the answer to the despatches we were expected to receive on the +next day. This appeared to him so happily imagined, that notwithstanding +all I could say on the impossibility of the thing, and the absurdity of +attempting its execution, I was obliged to comply during the whole time I +afterwards remained with him, after having made notes of the few loose +words he spoke to me in the course of the week, and of some trivial +circumstances which I collected by hurrying from place to place. +Provided with these materials I never once failed carrying to him on the +Thursday morning a rough draft of the despatches which were to be sent +off on Saturday, excepting the few additions and corrections I hastily +made in answer to the letters which arrived on the Friday, and to which +ours served for answer. He had another custom, diverting enough and +which made his correspondence ridiculous beyond imagination. He sent +back all information to its respective source, instead of making it +follow its course. To M. Amelot he transmitted the news of the court; to +M. Maurepas, that of Paris; to M. d' Havrincourt, the news from Sweden; +to M. de Chetardie, that from Petersbourg; and sometimes to each of those +the news they had respectively sent to him, and which I was employed to +dress up in terms different from those in which it was conveyed to us. +As he read nothing of what I laid before him, except the despatches for +the court, and signed those to other ambassadors without reading them, +this left me more at liberty to give what turn I thought proper to the +latter, and in these therefore I made the articles of information cross +each other. But it was impossible for-me to do the same by despatches of +importance; and I thought myself happy when M. de Montaigu did not take +it into his head to cram into them an impromptu of a few lines after his +manner. This obliged me to return, and hastily transcribe the whole +despatch decorated with his new nonsense, and honor it with the cipher, +without which he would have refused his signature. I was frequently +almost tempted, for the sake of his reputation, to cipher something +different from what he had written, but feeling that nothing could +authorize such a deception, I left him to answer for his own folly, +satisfying myself with having spoken to him with freedom, and discharged +at my own peril the duties of my station. This is what I always did with +an uprightness, a zeal and courage, which merited on his part a very +different recompense from that which in the end I received from him. It +was time I should once be what Heaven, which had endowed me with a happy +disposition, what the education that had been given me by the best of +women, and that I had given myself, had prepared me for, and I became so. +Left to my own reflections, without a friend or advice, without +experience, and in a foreign country, in the service of a foreign nation, +surrounded by a crowd of knaves, who, for their own interest, and to +avoid the scandal of good example, endeavored to prevail upon me to +imitate them; far from yielding to their solicitations, I served France +well, to which I owed nothing, and the ambassador still better, as it was +right and just I should do to the utmost of my power. Irreproachable in +a post, sufficiently exposed to censure, I merited and obtained the +esteem of the republic, that of all the ambassadors with whom we were in +correspondence, and the affection of the French who resided at Venice, +not even excepting the consul, whom with regret I supplanted in the +functions which I knew belonged to him, and which occasioned me more +embarrassment than they afforded me satisfaction. + +M. de Montaigu, confiding without reserve to the Marquis Mari, who did +not thoroughly understand his duty, neglected it to such a degree that +without me the French who were at Venice would not have perceived that an +ambassador from their nation resided there. Always put off without being +heard when they stood in need of his protection, they became disgusted +and no longer appeared in his company or at his table, to which indeed he +never invited them. I frequently did from myself what it was his duty to +have done; I rendered to the French, who applied to me, all the services +in my power. In any other country I should have done more, but, on +account of my employment, not being able to see persons in place, I was +often obliged to apply to the consul, and the consul, who was settled in +the country with his family, had many persons to oblige, which prevented +him from acting as he otherwise would have done. However, perceiving him +unwilling and afraid to speak, I ventured hazardous measures, which +sometimes succeeded. I recollect one which still makes me laugh. No +person would suspect it was to me, the lovers of the theatre at Paris, +owe Coralline and her sister Camille, nothing however, can be more true. +Veronese, their father, had engaged himself with his children in the +Italian company, and after having received two thousand livres for the +expenses of his journey, instead of setting out for France, quietly +continued at Venice, and accepted an engagement in the theatre of Saint +Luke, to which Coralline, a child as she still was, drew great numbers of +people. The Duke de Greves, as first gentleman of the chamber, wrote to +the ambassador to claim the father and the daughter. M. de Montaigu when +he gave me the letter, confined his instructions to saying, 'voyez cela', +examine and pay attention to this. I went to M. Blond to beg he would +speak to the patrician, to whom the theatre belonged, and who, I believe, +was named Zustinian, that he might discharge Veronese, who had engaged in +the name of the king. Le Blond, to whom the commission was not very +agreeable, executed it badly. + +Zustinian answered vaguely, and Veronese was not discharged. I was +piqued at this. It was during the carnival, and having taken the bahute +and a mask, I set out for the palace Zustinian. Those who saw my gondola +arrive with the livery of the ambassador, were lost in astonishment. +Venice had never seen such a thing. I entered, and caused myself to be +announced by the name of 'Una Siora Masehera'. As soon as I was +introduced I took off my mask and told my name. The senator turned pale +and appeared stupefied with surprise. "Sir;" said I to him in Venetian, +"it is with much regret I importune your excellency with this visit; but +you have in your theatre of Saint Luke, a man of the name of Veronese, +who is engaged in the service of the king, and whom you have been +requested, but in vain, to give up: I come to claim him in the name of +his majesty." My short harangue was effectual. I had no sooner left the +palace than Zustinian ran to communicate the adventure to the state +inquisitors, by whom he was severely reprehended. Veronese was +discharged the same day. I sent him word that if he did not set off +within a week I would have him arrested. He did not wait for my giving +him this intimation a second time. + +On another occasion I relieved from difficulty solely by my own means, +and almost without the assistance of any other person, the captain of a +merchant-ship. This was one Captain Olivet, from Marseilles; the name of +the vessel I have forgotten. His men had quarreled with the Sclavonians +in the service of the republic, some violence had been committed, and the +vessel was under so severe an embargo that nobody except the master was +suffered to go on board or leave it without permission. He applied to +the ambassador, who would hear nothing he had to say. He afterwards went +to the consul, who told him it was not an affair of commerce, and that he +could not interfere in it. Not knowing what further steps to take he +applied to me. I told M. de Montaigu he ought to permit me to lay before +the senate a memoir on the subject. I do not recollect whether or not he +consented, or that I presented the memoir; but I perfectly remember that +if I did it was ineffectual, and the embargo still continuing, I took +another method, which succeeded. I inserted a relation of the affairs in +one of our letters to M. de Maurepas, though I had difficulty in +prevailing upon M. de Montaigne to suffer the article to pass. + +I knew that our despatches, although their contents were insignificant, +were opened at Venice. Of this I had a proof by finding the articles +they contained, verbatim in the gazette, a treachery of which I had in +vain attempted to prevail upon the ambassador to complain. My object in +speaking of the affair in the letter was to turn the curiosity of the +ministers of the republic to advantage, to inspire them with some +apprehensions, and to induce the state to release the vessel: for had it +been necessary to this effect to wait for an answer from the court, the +captain would have been ruined before it could have arrived. I did still +more, I went alongside the vessel to make inquiries of the ship's +company. I took with me the Abbe Patizel, chancellor of the consulship, +who would rather have been excused, so much were these poor creatures +afraid of displeasing the Senate. As I could not go on board, on account +of the order from the states, I remained in my gondola, and there took +the depositions successively, interrogating each of the mariners, and +directing my questions in such a manner as to produce answers which might +be to their advantage. I wished to prevail upon Patizel to put the +questions and take depositions himself, which in fact was more his +business than mine; but to this he would not consent; he never once +opened his mouth and refused to sign the depositions after me. This +step, somewhat bold, was however, successful, and the vessel was released +long before an answer came from the minister. The captain wished to make +me a present; but without being angry with him on that account, I tapped +him on the shoulder, saying, "Captain Olivet, can you imagine that he who +does not receive from the French his perquisite for passports, which he +found his established right, is a man likely to sell them the king's +protection?" He, however, insisted on giving me a dinner on board his +vessel, which I accepted, and took with me the secretary to the Spanish +embassy, M. Carrio, a man of wit and amiable manners, to partake of it: +he has since been secretary to the Spanish embassy at Paris and charge +des affaires. I had formed an intimate connection with him after the +example of our ambassadors. + +Happy should I have been, if, when in the most disinterested manner I did +all the service I could, I had known how to introduce sufficient order +into all these little details, that I might not have served others at my +own expense. But in employments similar to that I held, in which the +most trifling faults are of consequence, my whole attention was engaged +in avoiding all such mistakes as might be detrimental to my service. I +conducted, till the last moment, everything relative to my immediate +duty, with the greatest order and exactness. Excepting a few errors +which a forced precipitation made me commit in ciphering, and of which +the clerks of M. Amelot once complained, neither the ambassador nor any +other person had ever the least reason to reproach me with negligence in +any one of my functions. This is remarkable in a man so negligent as I +am. But my memory sometimes failed me, and I was not sufficiently +careful in the private affairs with which I was charged; however, a love +of justice always made me take the loss on myself, and this voluntarily, +before anybody thought of complaining. I will mention but one +circumstance of this nature; it relates to my departure from Venice, and +I afterwards felt the effects of it in Paris. + +Our cook, whose name was Rousselot, had brought from France an old note +for two hundred livres, which a hairdresser, a friend of his, had +received from a noble Venetian of the name of Zanetto Nani, who had had +wigs of him to that amount. Rousselot brought me the note, begging I +would endeavor to obtain payment of some part of it, by way of +accommodation. I knew, and he knew it also, that the constant custom of +noble Venetians was, when once returned to their country, never to pay +the debts they had contracted abroad. When means are taken to force them +to payment, the wretched creditor finds so many delays, and incurs such +enormous expenses, that he becomes disgusted and concludes by giving up +his debtor accepting the most trifling composition. I begged M. le Blond +to speak to Zanetto. The Venetian acknowledged the note, but did not +agree to payment. After a long dispute he at length promised three +sequins; but when Le Blond carried him the note even these were not +ready, and it was necessary to wait. In this interval happened my +quarrel with the ambassador and I quitted his service. I had left the +papers of the embassy in the greatest order, but the note of Rousselot +was not to be found. M. le Blond assured me he had given it me back. I +knew him to be too honest a man to have the least doubt of the matter; +but it was impossible for me to recollect what I had done with it. As +Zanetto had acknowledged the debt, I desired M. le Blond to endeavor to +obtain from him the three sequins on giving him a receipt for the amount, +or to prevail upon him to renew the note by way of duplicate. Zanetto, +knowing the note to be lost, would not agree to either. I offered +Rousselot the three sequins from my own purse, as a discharge of the +debt. He refused them, and said I might settle the matter with the +creditor at Paris, of whom he gave me the address. The hair-dresser, +having been informed of what had passed, would either have his note or +the whole sum for which it was given. What, in my indignation, would I +have given to have found this vexatious paper! I paid the two hundred +livres, and that in my greatest distress. In this manner the loss of the +note produced to the creditor the payment of the whole sum, whereas had +it, unfortunately for him, been found, he would have had some difficulty +in recovering even the ten crowns, which his excellency, Zanetto Nani, +had promised to pay. + +The talents I thought I felt in myself for my employment made me +discharge the functions of it with satisfaction, and except the society +of my friend de Carrio, that of the virtuous Altuna, of whom I shall soon +have an occasion to speak, the innocent recreations of the place Saint +Mark, of the theatre, and of a few visits which we, for the most part, +made together, my only pleasure was in the duties of my station. +Although these were not considerable, especially with the aid of the Abbe +de Binis, yet as the correspondence was very extensive and there was a +war, I was a good deal employed. I applied to business the greatest part +of every morning, and on the days previous to the departure of the +courier, in the evenings, and sometimes till midnight. The rest of my +time I gave to the study of the political professions I had entered upon, +and in which I hoped, from my successful beginning, to be advantageously +employed. In fact I was in favor with every one; the ambassador himself +spoke highly of my services, and never complained of anything I did for +him; his dissatisfaction proceeded from my having insisted on quitting +him, inconsequence of the useless complaints I had frequently made on +several occasions. The ambassadors and ministers of the king with whom +we were in correspondence complimented him on the merit of his secretary, +in a manner by which he ought to have been flattered, but which in his +poor head produced quite a contrary effect. He received one in +particular relative to an affair of importance, for which he never +pardoned me. + +He was so incapable of bearing the least constraint, that on the +Saturday, the day of the despatches for most of the courts he could not +contain himself, and wait till the business was done before he went out, +and incessantly pressing me to hasten the despatches to the king and +ministers, he signed them with precipitation, and immediately went I know +not where, leaving most of the other letters without signing; this +obliged me, when these contained nothing but news, to convert them into +journals; but when affairs which related to the king were in question it +was necessary somebody should sign, and I did it. This once happened +relative to some important advice we had just received from M. Vincent, +charge des affaires from the king, at Vienna. The Prince Lobkowitz was +then marching to Naples, and Count Gages had just made the most memorable +retreat, the finest military manoeuvre of the whole century, of which +Europe has not sufficiently spoken. The despatch informed us that a man, +whose person M. Vincent described, had set out from Vienna, and was to +pass by Venice, in his way into Abruzzo, where he was secretly to stir up +the people at the approach of the Austrians. + +In the absence of M. le Comte de Montaigu, who did not give himself the +least concern about anything, I forwarded this advice to the Marquis de +l'Hopital, so apropos, that it is perhaps to the poor Jean Jacques, so +abused and laughed at, that the house of Bourbon owes the preservation of +the kingdom of Naples. + +The Marquis de l'Hopital, when he thanked his colleague, as it was proper +he should do, spoke to him of his secretary, and mentioned the service he +had just rendered to the common cause. The Comte de Montaigu, who in +that affair had to reproach himself with negligence, thought he perceived +in the compliment paid him by M. de l'Hopital, something like a reproach, +and spoke of it to me with signs of ill-humor. I found it necessary to +act in the same manner with the Count de Castellane, ambassador at +Constantinople, as I had done with the Marquis de l'Hopital, although in +things of less importance. As there was no other conveyance to +Constantinople than by couriers, sent from time to time by the senate to +its Bailli, advice of their departure was given to the ambassador of +France, that he might write by them to his colleague, if he thought +proper so to do. This advice was commonly sent a day or two beforehand; +but M. de Montaigu was held in so little respect, that merely for the +sake of form he was sent to, a couple of hours before the couriers set +off. This frequently obliged me to write the despatch in his absence. +M. de Castellane, in his answer made honorable mention of me; M. de +Jonville, at Genoa, did the same, and these instances of their regard and +esteem became new grievances. + +I acknowledge I did not neglect any opportunity of making myself known; +but I never sought one improperly, and in serving well I thought I had a +right to aspire to the natural return for essential services; the esteem +of those capable of judging of, and rewarding them. I will not say +whether or not my exactness in discharging the duties of my employment +was a just subject of complaint from the ambassador; but I cannot refrain +from declaring that it was the sole grievance he ever mentioned previous +to our separation. + +His house, which he had never put on a good footing, was constantly +filled with rabble; the French were ill-treated in it, and the ascendancy +was given to the Italians; of these even, the more honest part, they who +had long been in the service of the embassy, were indecently discharged, +his first gentleman in particular, whom he had taken from the Comte de +Froulay, and who, if I remember right, was called Comte de Peati, or +something very like that name. The second gentleman, chosen by M. de +Montaigu, was an outlaw highwayman from Mantua, called Dominic Vitali, to +whom the ambassador intrusted the care of his house, and who had by means +of flattery and sordid economy, obtained his confidence, and became his +favorite to the great prejudice of the few honest people he still had +about him, and of the secretary who was at their head. The countenance +of an upright man always gives inquietude to knaves. Nothing more was +necessary to make Vitali conceive a hatred against me: but for this +sentiment there was still another cause which rendered it more cruel. Of +this I must give an account, that I may be condemned if I am found in the +wrong. + +The ambassador had, according to custom, a box at each of the theaters. +Every day at dinner he named the theater to which it was his intention to +go: I chose after him, and the gentlemen disposed of the other boxes. +When I went out I took the key of the box I had chosen. One day, Vitali +not being in the way, I ordered the footman who attended on me, to bring +me the key to a house which I named to him. Vitali, instead of sending +the key, said he had disposed of it. I was the more enraged at this as +the footman delivered his message in public. In the evening Vitali +wished to make me some apology, to which however I would not listen. +"To--morrow, sir," said I to him, "you will come at such an hour and +apologize to me in the house where I received the affront, and in the +presence of the persons who were witnesses to it; or after to--morrow, +whatever may be the consequences, either you or I will leave the house." +This firmness intimidated him. He came to the house at the hour +appointed, and made me a public apology, with a meanness worthy of +himself. But he afterwards took his measures at leisure, and at the same +time that he cringed to me in public, he secretly acted in so vile a +manner, that although unable to prevail on the ambassador to give me my +dismission, he laid me under the necessity of resolving to leave him. + +A wretch like him, certainly, could not know me, but he knew enough of my +character to make it serviceable to his purposes. He knew I was mild to +an excess, and patient in bearing involuntary wrongs; but haughty and +impatient when insulted with premeditated offences; loving decency and +dignity in things in which these were requisite, and not more exact in +requiring the respect due to myself, than attentive in rendering that +which I owed to others. In this he undertook to disgust me, and in this +he succeeded. He turned the house upside down, and destroyed the order +and subordination I had endeavored to establish in it. A house without a +woman stands in need of rather a severe discipline to preserve that +modesty which is inseparable from dignity. He soon converted ours into a +place of filthy debauch and scandalous licentiousness, the haunt of +knaves and debauchees. He procured for second gentleman to his +excellency, in the place of him whom he got discharged, another pimp like +himself, who kept a house of ill--fame, at the Cross of Malta; and the +indecency of these two rascals was equalled by nothing but their +insolence. Except the bed-chamber of the ambassador, which, however, was +not in very good order, there was not a corner in the whole house +supportable to an modest man. + +As his excellency did not sup, the gentleman and myself had a private +table, at which the Abbe Binis and the pages also eat. In the most +paltry ale-house people are served with more cleanliness and decency, +have cleaner linen, and a table better supplied. We had but one little +and very filthy candle, pewter plates, and iron forks. + +I could have overlooked what passed in secret, but I was deprived of my +gondola. I was the only secretary to an ambassador, who was obliged to +hire one or go on foot, and the livery of his excellency no longer +accompanied me, except when I went to the senate. Besides, everything +which passed in the house was known in the city. All those who were in +the service of the other ambassadors loudly exclaimed; Dominic, the only +cause of all, exclaimed louder than anybody, well knowing the indecency +with which we were treated was more affecting to me than to any other +person. Though I was the only one in the house who said nothing of the +matter abroad, I complained loudly of it to the ambassador, as well as of +himself, who, secretly excited by the wretch, entirely devoted to his +will, daily made me suffer some new affront. Obliged to spend a good +deal to keep up a footing with those in the same situation with myself, +and to make are appearance proper to my employment, I could not touch a +farthing of my salary, and when I asked him for money, he spoke of his +esteem for me, and his confidence, as if either of these could have +filled my purse, and provided for everything. + +These two banditti at length quite turned the head of their master, who +naturally had not a good one, and ruined him by a continual traffic, and +by bargains, of which he was the dupe, whilst they persuaded him they +were greatly in his favor. They persuaded him to take upon the Brenta, a +Palazzo, at twice the rent it was worth, and divided the surplus with the +proprietor. The apartments were inlaid with mosaic, and ornamented with +columns and pilasters, in the taste of the country. M. de Montaigu, had +all these superbly masked by fir wainscoting, for no other reason than +because at Paris apartments were thus fitted up. It was for a similar +reason that he only, of all the ambassadors who were at Venice, took from +his pages their swords, and from his footmen their canes. Such was the +man, who, perhaps from the same motive took a dislike to me on account of +my serving him faithfully. + +I patiently endured his disdain, his brutality, and ill-treatment, as +long as, perceiving them accompanied by ill-humor, I thought they had in +them no portion of hatred; but the moment I saw the design formed of +depriving me of the honor I merited by my faithful services, I resolved +to resign my employment. The first mark I received of his ill will was +relative to a dinner he was to give to the Duke of Modena and his family, +who were at Venice, and at which he signified to me I should not be +present. I answered, piqued, but not angry, that having the honor daily +to dine at his table, if the Duke of Modena, when he came, required I +should not appear at it, my duty as well as the dignity of his excellency +would not suffer me to consent to such a request. "How;" said he +passionately, "my secretary, who is not a gentleman, pretends to dine +with a sovereign when my gentlemen do not!" "Yes, sir," replied I, "the +post with which your excellency has honored me, as long as I discharge +the functions of it, so far ennobles me that my rank is superior to that +of your gentlemen or of the persons calling themselves such; and I am +admitted where they cannot appear. You cannot but know that on the day +on which you shall make your public entry, I am called to the ceremony by +etiquette; and by an immemorial custom, to follow you in a dress of +ceremony, and afterwards to dine with you at the palace of St. Mark; and +I know not why a man who has a right and is to eat in public with the +doge and the senate of Venice should not eat in private with the Duke of +Modena." Though this argument was unanswerable, it did not convince the +ambassador; but we had no occasion to renew the dispute, as the Duke of +Modena did not come to dine with him. + +From that moment he did everything in his power to make things +disagreeable to me; and endeavored unjustly to deprive me of my rights, +by taking from me the pecuniary advantages annexed to my employment, to +give them to his dear Vitali; and I am convinced that had he dared to +send him to the senate, in my place, he would have done it. He commonly +employed the Abbe Binis in his closet, to write his private letters: he +made use of him to write to M. de Maurepas an account of the affair of +Captain Olivet, in which, far from taking the least notice of me, the +only person who gave himself any concern about the matter, he deprived me +of the honor of the depositions, of which he sent him a duplicate, for +the purpose of attributing them to Patizel, who had not opened his mouth. +He wished to mortify me, and please his favorite; but had no desire to +dismiss me his service. He perceived it would be more difficult to find +me a successor, than M. Follau, who had already made him known to the +world. An Italian secretary was absolutely necessary to him, on account +of the answers from the senate; one who could write all his despatches, +and conduct his affairs, without his giving himself the least trouble +about anything; a person who, to the merit of serving him well, could +join the baseness of being the toad-eater of his gentlemen, without +honor, merit, or principles. He wished to retain, and humble me, by +keeping me far from my country, and his own, without money to return to +either, and in which he would, perhaps, had succeeded, had he began with +more moderation: but Vitali, who had other views, and wished to force me +to extremities, carried his point. The moment I perceived, I lost all my +trouble, that the ambassador imputed to me my services as so many crimes, +instead of being satisfied with them; that with him I had nothing to +expect, but things disagreeable at home, and injustice abroad; and that, +in the general disesteem into which he was fallen, his ill offices might +be prejudicial to me, without the possibility of my being served by his +good ones; I took my resolution, and asked him for my dismission, leaving +him sufficient time to provide himself with another secretary. Without +answering yes or no, he continued to treat me in the same manner, as if +nothing had been said. Perceiving things to remain in the same state, +and that he took no measures to procure himself a new secretary, I wrote +to his brother, and, explaining to him my motives, begged he would obtain +my dismission from his excellency, adding that whether I received it or +not, I could not possibly remain with him. I waited a long time without +any answer, and began to be embarrassed: but at length the ambassador +received a letter from his brother, which must have remonstrated with him +in very plain terms; for although he was extremely subject to ferocious +rage, I never saw him so violent as on this occasion. After torrents of +unsufferable reproaches, not knowing what more to say, he accused me of +having sold his ciphers. I burst into a loud laughter, and asked him, in +a sneering manner, if he thought there was in Venice a man who would be +fool enough to give half a crown for them all. He threatened to call his +servants to throw me out of the window. Until then I had been very +composed; but on this threat, anger and indignation seized me in my turn. +I sprang to the door, and after having turned a button which fastened it +within: "No, count," said I, returning to him with a grave step, "Your +servants shall have nothing to do with this affair; please to let it be +settled between ourselves." My action and manner instantly made him +calm; fear and surprise were marked in his countenance. The moment I saw +his fury abated, I bid him adieu in a very few words, and without waiting +for his answer, went to the door, opened it, and passed slowly across the +antechamber, through the midst of his people, who rose according to +custom, and who, I am of opinion, would rather have lent their assistance +against him than me. Without going back to my apartment, I descended the +stairs, and immediately went out of the palace never more to enter it. + +I hastened immediately to M. le Blond and related to him what had +happened. Knowing the man, he was but little surprised. He kept me to +dinner. This dinner, although without preparation, was splendid. +All the French of consequence who were at Venice, partook of it. +The ambassador had not a single person. The consul related my case to +the company. The cry was general, and by no means in favor of his +excellency. He had not settled my account, nor paid me a farthing, +and being reduced to the few louis I had in my pocket, I was extremely +embarrassed about my return to France. Every purse was opened to me. +I took twenty sequins from that of M. le Blond, and as many from that of +M. St. Cyr, with whom, next to M. le Blond, I was the most intimately +connected. I returned thanks to the rest; and, till my departure, went +to lodge at the house of the chancellor of the consulship, to prove to +the public, the nation was not an accomplice in the injustice of the +ambassador. + +His excellency, furious at seeing me taken notice of in my misfortune, at +the same time that, notwithstanding his being an ambassador, nobody went +near his house, quite lost his senses and behaved like a madman. He +forgot himself so far as to present a memoir to the senate to get me +arrested. On being informed of this by the Abbe de Binis, I resolved to +remain a fortnight longer, instead of setting off the next day as I had +intended. My conduct had been known and approved of by everybody; I was +universally esteemed. The senate did not deign to return an answer to +the extravagant memoir of the ambassador, but sent me word I might remain +in Venice as long as I thought proper, without making myself uneasy about +the attempts of a madman. I continued to see my friends: I went to take +leave of the ambassador from Spain, who received me well, and of the +Comte de Finochietti, minister from Naples, whom I did not find at home. +I wrote him a letter and received from his excellency the most polite and +obliging answer. At length I took my departure, leaving behind me, +notwithstanding my embarrassment, no other debts than the two sums I had +borrowed, and of which I have just spoken; and an account of fifty crowns +with a shopkeeper, of the name of Morandi, which Carrio promised to pay, +and which I have never reimbursed him, although we have frequently met +since that time; but with respect to the two sums of money, I returned +them very exactly the moment I had it in my power. + +I cannot take leave of Venice without saying something of the celebrated +amusements of that city, or at least of the little part of them of which +I partook during my residence there. It has been seen how little in my +youth I ran after the pleasures of that age, or those that are so called. +My inclinations did not change at Venice, but my occupations, which +moreover would have prevented this, rendered more agreeable to me the +simple recreations I permitted myself. The first and most pleasing of +all was the society of men of merit. M. le Blond, de St. Cyr, Carrio +Altuna, and a Forlinian gentleman, whose name I am very sorry to have +forgotten, and whom I never call to my recollection without emotion: he +was the man of all I ever knew whose heart most resembled my own. We +were connected with two or three Englishmen of great wit and information, +and, like ourselves, passionately fond of music. All these gentlemen had +their wives, female friends, or mistresses: the latter were most of them +women of talents, at whose apartments there were balls and concerts. +There was but little play; a lively turn, talents, and the theatres +rendered this amusement incipid. Play is the resource of none but men +whose time hangs heavy on their hands. I had brought with me from Paris +the prejudice of that city against Italian music; but I had also received +from nature a sensibility and niceness of distinction which prejudice +cannot withstand. I soon contracted that passion for Italian music with +which it inspires all those who are capable of feeling its excellence. +In listening to barcaroles, I found I had not yet known what singing was, +and I soon became so fond of the opera that, tired of babbling, eating, +and playing in the boxes when I wished to listen, I frequently withdrew +from the company to another part of the theater. There, quite alone, +shut up in my box, I abandoned myself, notwithstanding the length of the +representation, to the pleasure of enjoying it at ease unto the +conclusion. One evening at the theatre of Saint Chrysostom, I fell into +a more profound sleep than I should have done in my bed. The loud and +brilliant airs did not disturb my repose. But who can explain the +delicious sensations given me by the soft harmony of the angelic music, +by which I was charmed from sleep; what an awaking! what ravishment! +what ecstasy, when at the same instant I opened my ears and eyes! My +first idea was to believe I was in paradise. The ravishing air, which I +still recollect and shall never forget, began with these words: + + Conservami la bella, + Che si m'accende il cor. + +I was desirous of having it; I had and kept it for a time; but it was not +the same thing upon paper as in my head. The notes were the same but the +thing was different. This divine composition can never be executed but +in my mind, in the same manner as it was the evening on which it woke me +from sleep. + +A kind of music far superior, in my opinion, to that of operas, and which +in all Italy has not its equal, nor perhaps in the whole world, is that +of the 'scuole'. The 'scuole' are houses of charity, established for the +education of young girls without fortune, to whom the republic afterwards +gives a portion either in marriage or for the cloister. Amongst talents +cultivated in these young girls, music is in the first rank. Every +Sunday at the church of each of the four 'scuole', during vespers, +motettos or anthems with full choruses, accompanied by a great orchestra, +and composed and directed by the best masters in Italy, are sung in the +galleries by girls only; not one of whom is more than twenty years of +age. I have not an idea of anything so voluptuous and affecting as this +music; the richness of the art, the exquisite taste of the vocal part, +the excellence of the voices, the justness of the execution, everything +in these delightful concerts concurs to produce an impression which +certainly is not the mode, but from which I am of opinion no heart is +secure. Carrio and I never failed being present at these vespers of the +'Mendicanti', and we were not alone. The church was always full of the +lovers of the art, and even the actors of the opera came there to form +their tastes after these excellent models. What vexed me was the iron +grate, which suffered nothing to escape but sounds, and concealed from me +the angels of which they were worthy. I talked of nothing else. One day +I spoke of it at Le Blond's; "If you are so desirous," said he, "to see +those little girls, it will be an easy matter to satisfy your wishes. +I am one of the administrators of the house, I will give you a collation +with them." I did not let him rest until he had fulfilled his promise. +In entering the saloon, which contained these beauties I so much sighed +to see, I felt a trembling of love which I had never before experienced. +M. le Blond presented to me one after the other, these celebrated female +singers, of whom the names and voices were all with which I was +acquainted. Come, Sophia,--she was horrid. Come, Cattina,--she had +but one eye. Come, Bettina,--the small-pox had entirely disfigured her. +Scarcely one of them was without some striking defect. + +Le Blond laughed at my surprise; however, two or three of them appeared +tolerable; these never sung but in the choruses; I was almost in despair. +During the collation we endeavored to excite them, and they soon became +enlivened; ugliness does not exclude the graces, and I found they +possessed them. I said to myself, they cannot sing in this manner +without intelligence and sensibility, they must have both; in fine, +my manner of seeing them changed to such a degree that I left the house +almost in love with each of these ugly faces. I had scarcely courage +enough to return to vespers. But after having seen the girls, +the danger was lessened. I still found their singing delightful; +and their voices so much embellished their persons that, in spite of my +eyes, I obstinately continued to think them beautiful. + +Music in Italy is accompanied with so trifling an expense, that it is not +worth while for such as have a taste for it to deny themselves the +pleasure it affords. I hired a harpsichord, and, for half a crown, I had +at my apartment four or five symphonists, with whom I practised once a +week in executing such airs, etc., as had given me most pleasure at the +opera. I also had some symphonies performed from my 'Muses Galantes'. +Whether these pleased the performers, or the ballet-master of St. John +Chrysostom wished to flatter me, he desired to have two of them; and I +had afterwards the pleasure of hearing these executed by that admirable +orchestra. They were danced to by a little Bettina, pretty and amiable, +and kept by a Spaniard, M. Fagoaga, a friend of ours with whom we often +went to spend the evening. But apropos of girls of easy virtue: it is +not in Venice that a man abstains from them. Have you nothing to +confess, somebody will ask me, upon this subject? Yes: I have something +to say upon it, and I will proceed to the confession with the same +ingenuousness with which I have made my former ones. + +I always had a disinclination to girls of pleasure, but at Venice those +were all I had within my reach; most of the houses being shut against me +on account of my place. The daughters of M. le Blond were very amiable, +but difficult of access; and I had too much respect for the father and +mother ever once to have the least desire for them. + +I should have had a much stronger inclination to a young lady named +Mademoiselle de Cataneo, daughter to the agent from the King of Prussia, +but Carrio was in love with her there was even between them some question +of marriage. He was in easy circumstances, and I had no fortune: his +salary was a hundred louis (guineas) a year, and mine amounted to no more +than a thousand livres (about forty pounds sterling) and, besides my +being unwilling to oppose a friend, I knew that in all places, and +especially at Venice, with a purse so ill furnished as mine was, +gallantry was out of the question. I had not lost the pernicious custom +of deceiving my wants. Too busily employed forcibly to feel those +proceeding from the climate, I lived upwards of a year in that city as +chastely as I had done in Paris, and at the end of eighteen months I +quitted it without having approached the sex, except twice by means of +the singular opportunities of which I am going to speak. + +The first was procured me by that honest gentleman, Vitali, some time +after the formal apology I obliged him to make me. The conversation at +the table turned on the amusements of Venice. These gentlemen reproached +me with my indifference with regard to the most delightful of them all; +at the same time extolling the gracefulness and elegant manners of the +women of easy virtue of Venice; and adding that they were superior to all +others of the same description in any other part of the world. +"Dominic," said I, "(I)must make an acquaintance with the most amiable of +them all," he offered to take me to her apartments, and assured me I +should be pleased with her. I laughed at this obliging offer: and Count +Piati, a man in years and venerable, observed to me, with more candor +than I should have expected from an Italian, that he thought me too +prudent to suffer myself to be taken to such a place by my enemy. In +fact I had no inclination to do it: but notwithstanding this, by an +incoherence I cannot myself comprehend, I at length was prevailed upon to +go, contrary to my inclination, the sentiment of my heart, my reason, and +even my will; solely from weakness, and being ashamed to show an +appearance to the least mistrust; and besides, as the expression of the +country is, 'per non parer troppo cogliono'--[Not to appear too great a +blockhead.]--The 'Padoana' whom we went to visit was pretty, she was +even handsome, but her beauty was not of that kind that pleased me. +Dominic left me with her, I sent for Sorbetti, and asked her to sing. +In about half an hour I wished to take my leave, after having put a ducat +on the table, but this by a singular scruple she refused until she had +deserved it, and I from as singular a folly consented to remove her +doubts. I returned to the palace so fully persuaded that I should feel +the consequences of this step, that the first thing I did was to send for +the king's surgeon to ask him for ptisans. Nothing can equal the +uneasiness of mind I suffered for three weeks, without its being +justified by any real inconvenience or apparent sign. I could not +believe it was possible to withdraw with impunity from the arms of the +'padoana'. The surgeon himself had the greatest difficulty in removing +my apprehensions; nor could he do this by any other means than by +persuading me I was formed in such a manner as not to be easily infected: +and although in the experiment I exposed myself less than any other man +would have done, my health in that respect never having suffered the +least inconvenience, in my opinion a proof the surgeon was right. +However, this has never made me imprudent, and if in fact I have received +such an advantage from nature I can safely assert I have never abused it. + +My second adventure, although likewise with a common girl, was of a +nature very different, as well in its origin as in its effects; I have +already said that Captain Olivet gave me a dinner on board his vessel, +and that I took with me the secretary of the Spanish embassy. I expected +a salute of cannon. + +The ship's company was drawn up to receive us, but not so much as a +priming was burnt, at which I was mortified, on account of Carrio, whom I +perceived to be rather piqued at the neglect. A salute of cannon was +given on board merchant-ships to people of less consequence than we were; +I besides thought I deserved some distinguished mark of respect from the +captain. I could not conceal my thoughts, because this at all times was +impossible to me, and although the dinner was a very good one, and Olivet +did the honors of it perfectly well, I began it in an ill humor, eating +but little, and speaking still less. At the first health, at least, I +expected a volley; nothing. Carrio, who read what passed within, me, +laughed at hearing me grumble like a child. Before dinner was half over +I saw a gondola approach the vessel. "Bless me, sir," said the captain, +"take care of yourself, the enemy approaches." I asked him what he +meant, and he answered jocosely. The gondola made the ship's side, and I +observed a gay young damsel come on board very lightly, and coquettishly +dressed, and who at three steps was in the cabin, seated by my side, +before I had time to perceive a cover was laid for her. She was equally +charming and lively, a brunette, not more than twenty years of age. She +spoke nothing but Italian, and her accent alone was sufficient to turn my +head. As she eat and chattered she cast her eyes upon me; steadfastly +looked at me for a moment, and then exclaimed, "Good Virgin! Ah, my dear +Bremond, what an age it is since I saw thee!" Then she threw herself into +my arms, sealed her lips to mine, and pressed me almost to strangling. +Her large black eyes, like those of the beauties of the East, darted +fiery shafts into my heart, and although the surprise at first stupefied +my senses, voluptuousness made a rapid progress within, and this to such +a degree that the beautiful seducer herself was, notwithstanding the +spectators, obliged to restrain my ardor, for I was intoxicated, or +rather become furious. When she perceived she had made the impression +she desired, she became more moderate in her caresses, but not in her +vivacity, and when she thought proper to explain to us the real or false +cause of all her petulance, she said I resembled M. de Bremond, director +of the customs of Tuscany, to such a degree as to be mistaken for him; +that she had turned this M. de Bremond's head, and would do it again; +that she had quitted him because he was a fool; that she took me in his +place; that she would love me because it pleased her so to do, for which +reason I must love her as long as it was agreeable to her, and when she +thought proper to send me about my business, I must be patient as her +dear Bremond had been. What was said was done. She took possession of +me as of a man that belonged to her, gave me her gloves to keep, her fan, +her cinda, and her coif, and ordered me to go here or there, to do this +or that, and I instantly obeyed her. She told me to go and send away her +gondola, because she chose to make use of mine, and I immediately sent it +away; she bid me to move from my place, and pray Carrio to sit down in +it, because she had something to say to him; and I did as she desired. +They chatted a good while together, but spoke low, and I did not +interrupt them. She called me, and I approached her. "Hark thee, +Zanetto," said she to me, "I will not be loved in the French manner; this +indeed will not be well. In the first moment of lassitude, get thee +gone: but stay not by the way, I caution thee." After dinner we went to +see the glass manufactory at Murano. She bought a great number of little +curiosities; for which she left me to pay without the least ceremony. +But she everywhere gave away little trinkets to a much greater amount +than of the things we had purchased. By the indifference with which she +threw away her money, I perceived she annexed to it but little value. +When she insisted upon a payment, I am of opinion it was more from a +motive of vanity than avarice. She was flattered by the price her +admirers set upon her favors. + +In the evening we conducted her to her apartments. As we conversed +together, I perceived a couple of pistols upon her toilette. "Ah! Ah!" +said I, taking one of them up, "this is a patchbox of a new construction: +may I ask what is its use? I know you have other arms which give more +fire than those upon your table." After a few pleasantries of the same +kind, she said to us, with an ingenuousness which rendered her still more +charming, "When I am complaisant to persons whom I do not love, I make +them pay for the weariness they cause me; nothing can be more just; but +if I suffer their caresses, I will not bear their insults; nor miss the +first who shall be wanting to me in respect." + +At taking leave of her, I made another appointment for the next day. I +did not make her wait. I found her in 'vestito di conidenza', in an +undress more than wanton, unknown to northern countries, and which I will +not amuse myself in describing, although I recollect it perfectly well. +I shall only remark that her ruffles and collar were edged with silk +network ornamented with rose--colored pompons. This, in my eyes, much +enlivened a beautiful complexion. I afterwards found it to be the mode +at Venice, and the effect is so charming that I am surprised it has never +been introduced in France. I had no idea of the transports which awaited +me. I have spoken of Madam de Larnage with the transport which the +remembrance of her still sometimes gives me; but how old, ugly and cold +she appeared, compared with my Zulietta! Do not attempt to form to +yourself an idea of the charms and graces of this enchanting girl, you +will be far too short of truth. Young virgins in cloisters are not so +fresh: the beauties of the seraglio are less animated: the houris of +paradise less engaging. Never was so sweet an enjoyment offered to the +heart and senses of a mortal. Ah! had I at least been capable of fully +tasting of it for a single moment! I had tasted of it, but without a +charm. I enfeebled all its delights: I destroyed them as at will. No; +Nature has not made me capable of enjoyment. She has infused into my +wretched head the poison of that ineffable happiness, the desire of which +she first placed in my heart. + +If there be a circumstance in my life, which describes my nature, it is +that which I am going to relate. The forcible manner in which I at this +moment recollect the object of my book, will here make me hold in +contempt the false delicacy which would prevent me from fulfilling it. +Whoever you may be who are desirous of knowing a man, have the courage to +read the two or three following pages, and you will become fully +acquainted with J. J. Rousseau. + +I entered the chamber of a woman of easy virtue, as the sanctuary of love +and beauty: and in her person, I thought I saw the divinity. I should +have been inclined to think that without respect and esteem it was +impossible to feel anything like that which she made me experience. +Scarcely had I, in her first familiarities, discovered the force of her +charms and caresses, before I wished, for fear of losing the fruit of +them, to gather it beforehand. Suddenly, instead of the flame which +consumed me, I felt a mortal cold run through all my veins; my legs +failed me; and ready to faint away, I sat down and wept like a child. + +Who would guess the cause of my tears, and what, at this moment, passed +within me? I said to myself: the object in my power is the masterpiece +of love; her wit and person equally approach perfection; she is as good +and generous as she is amiable and beautiful. Yet she is a miserable +prostitute, abandoned to the public. The captain of a merchantship +disposed of her at will; she has thrown herself into my arms, although +she knows I have nothing; and my merit with which she cannot be +acquainted, can be to her no inducement. In this there is something +inconceivable. Either my heart deceives me, fascinates my senses, and +makes me the dupe of an unworthy slut, or some secret defect, of which I +am ignorant, destroys the effect of her charms, and renders her odious in +the eyes of those by whom her charms would otherwise be disputed. I +endeavored, by an extraordinary effort of mind, to discover this defect, +but it did not so much as strike me that even the consequences to be +apprehended, might possibly have some influence. The clearness of her +skin, the brilliancy of her complexion, her white teeth, sweet breath, +and the appearance of neatness about her person, so far removed from me +this idea, that, still in doubt relative to my situation after the affair +of the 'padoana', I rather apprehended I was not sufficiently in health +for her: and I am firmly persuaded I was not deceived in my opinion. +These reflections, so apropos, agitated me to such a degree as to make me +shed tears. Zuliette, to whom the scene was quite novel, was struck +speechless for a moment. But having made a turn in her chamber, and +passing before her glass, she comprehended, and my eyes confirmed her +opinion, that disgust had no part in what had happened. It was not +difficult for her to recover me and dispel this shamefacedness. + +But, at the moment in which I was ready to faint upon a bosom, which for +the first time seemed to suffer the impression of the hand and lips of a +man, I perceived she had a withered 'teton'. I struck my forehead: I +examined, and thought I perceived this teton was not formed like the +other. I immediately began to consider how it was possible to have such +a defect, and persuaded of its proceeding from some great natural vice, I +was clearly convinced, that, instead of the most charming person of whom +I could form to myself an idea, I had in my arms a species of a monster, +the refuse of nature, of men and of love. I carried my stupidity so far +as to speak to her of the discovery I had made. She, at first, took what +I said jocosely; and in her frolicsome humor, did and said things which +made me die of love. But perceiving an inquietude I could not conceal, +she at length reddened, adjusted her dress, raised herself up, and +without saying a word, went and placed herself at a window. I attempted +to place myself by her side: she withdrew to a sofa, rose from it the +next moment, and fanning herself as she walked about the chamber, said to +me in a reserved and disdainful tone of voice, "Zanetto, 'lascia le +donne, a studia la matematica."--[Leave women and study mathematics.] + +Before I took leave I requested her to appoint another rendezvous for the +next day, which she postponed for three days, adding, with a satirical +smile, that I must needs be in want of repose. I was very ill at ease +during the interval; my heart was full of her charms and graces; I felt +my extravagance, and reproached myself with it, regretting the loss of +the moments I had so ill employed, and which, had I chosen, I might have +rendered more agreeable than any in my whole life; waiting with the most +burning impatience for the moment in which I might repair the loss, and +yet, notwithstanding all my reasoning upon what I had discovered, anxious +to reconcile the perfections of this adorable girl with the indignity of +her situation. I ran, I flew to her apartment at the hour appointed. I +know not whether or not her ardor would have been more satisfied with +this visit, her pride at least would have been flattered by it, and I +already rejoiced at the idea of my convincing her, in every respect, that +I knew how to repair the wrongs I had done. She spared me this +justification. The gondolier whom I had sent to her apartment brought me +for answer that she had set off, the evening before, for Florence. If I +had not felt all the love I had for her person when this was in my +possession, I felt it in the most cruel manner on losing her. Amiable +and charming as she was in my eyes, I could not console myself for the +loss of her; but this I have never been able to do relative to the +contemptuous idea which at her departure she must have had of me. + +These are my two narratives. The eighteen months I passed at Venice +furnished me with no other of the same kind, except a simple prospect at +most. Carrio was a gallant. Tired of visiting girls engaged to others, +he took a fancy to have one to himself, and, as we were inseparable, he +proposed to mean arrangement common enough at Venice, which was to keep +one girl for us both. To this I consented. The question was, to find +one who was safe. He was so industrious in his researches that he found +out a little girl from eleven to twelve years of age, whom her infamous +mother was endeavoring to sell, and I went with Carrio to see her. The +sight of the child moved me to the most lively compassion. She was fair +and as gentle as a lamb. Nobody would have taken her for an Italian. +Living is very cheap in Venice; we gave a little money to the mother, and +provided for the subsistence of her daughter. She had a voice, and to +procure her some resource we gave her a spinnet, and a singing--master. +All these expenses did not cost each of us more than two sequins a month, +and we contrived to save a much greater sum in other matters; but as we +were obliged to wait until she became of a riper age, this was sowing a +long time before we could possibly reap. However, satisfied with passing +our evenings, chatting and innocently playing with the child, we perhaps +enjoyed greater pleasure than if we had received the last favors. So +true is it that men are more attached to women by a certain pleasure they +have in living with them, than by any kind of libertinism. My heart +became insensibly attached to the little Anzoletta, but my attachment was +paternal, in which the senses had so little share, that in proportion as +the former increased, to have connected it with the latter would have +been less possible; and I felt I should have experienced, at approaching +this little creature when become nubile, the same horror with which the +abominable crime of incest would have inspired me. I perceived the +sentiments of Carrio take, unobserved by himself, exactly the same turn. +We thus prepared for ourselves, without intending it, pleasure not less +delicious, but very different from that of which we first had an idea; +and I am fully persuaded that however beautiful the poor child might have +become, far from being the corrupters of her innocence we should have +been the protectors of it. The circumstance which shortly afterwards +befell me deprived me, of the happiness of taking a part in this good +work, and my only merit in the affair was the inclination of my heart. + +I will now return to my journey. + +My first intentions after leaving M. de Montaigu, was to retire to +Geneva, until time and more favorable circumstances should have removed +the obstacles which prevented my union with my poor mamma; but the +quarrel between me and M. de Montaigu being become public, and he having +had the folly to write about it to the court, I resolved to go there to +give an account of my conduct and complain of that of a madman. I +communicated my intention, from Venice, to M. du Theil, charged per +interim with foreign affairs after the death of M. Amelot. I set off as +soon as my letter, and took my route through Bergamo, Como, and Domo +D'Oscela, and crossing Saint Plomb. At Sion, M. de Chaignon, charge des +affaires from France, showed me great civility; at Geneva M. de la +Closure treated me with the same polite attention. I there renewed my +acquaintance with M. de Gauffecourt, from whom I had some money to +receive. I had passed through Nion without going to see my father: not +that this was a matter of indifference to me, but because I was unwilling +to appear before my mother-in-law, after the disaster which had befallen +me, certain of being condemned by her without being heard. The +bookseller, Du Villard, an old friend of my father's, reproached me +severely with this neglect. I gave him my reasons for it, and to repair +my fault, without exposing myself to meet my mother-in-law, I took a +chaise and we went together to Nion and stopped at a public house. Du +Villard went to fetch my father, who came running to embrace me. We +supped together, and, after passing an evening very agreeable to the +wishes of my heart, I returned the next morning to Geneva with Du +Villard, for whom I have ever since retained a sentiment of gratitude in +return for the service he did me on this occasion. + +Lyons was a little out of my direct road, but I was determined to pass +through that city in order to convince myself of a knavish trick played +me by M. de Montaigu. I had sent me from Paris a little box containing a +waistcoat, embroidered with gold, a few pairs of ruffles, and six pairs +of white silk stockings; nothing more. Upon a proposition made me by M. +de Montaigu, I ordered this box to be added to his baggage. In the +apothecary's bill he offered me in payment of my salary, and which he +wrote out himself, he stated the weight of this box, which he called a +bale, at eleven hundred pounds, and charged me with the carriage of it at +an enormous rate. By the cares of M. Boy de la Tour, to whom I was +recommended by M. Roquin, his uncle, it was proved from the registers of +the customs of Lyons and Marseilles, that the said bale weighed no more +than forty-five pounds, and had paid carriage according to that weight. +I joined this authentic extract to the memoir of M, de Montaigu, and +provided with these papers and others containing stronger facts, I +returned to Paris, very impatient to make use of them. During the whole +of this long journey I had little adventures; at Como, in Valais, and +elsewhere. I there saw many curious things, amongst others the Boroma +islands, which are worthy of being described. But I am pressed by time, +and surrounded by spies. I am obliged to write in haste, and very +imperfectly, a work which requires the leisure and tranquility I do not +enjoy. If ever providence in its goodness grants me days more calm, I +shall destine them to new modelling this work, should I be able to do it, +or at least to giving a supplement, of which I perceive it stands in the +greatest need.--[I have given up this project.] + +The news of my quarrel had reached Paris before me and on my arrival I +found the people in all the offices, and the public in general, +scandalized at the follies of the ambassador. + +Notwithstanding this, the public talk at Venice, and the unanswerable +proof I exhibited, I could not obtain even the shadow of justice. Far +from obtaining satisfaction or reparation, I was left at the discretion +of the ambassador for my salary, and this for no other reason than +because, not being a Frenchman, I had no right to national protection, +and that it was a private affair between him and myself. Everybody +agreed I was insulted, injured, and unfortunate; that the ambassador was +mad, cruel, and iniquitous, and that the whole of the affair dishonored +him forever. But what of this! He was the ambassador, and I was nothing +more than the secretary. + +Order, or that which is so called, was in opposition to my obtaining +justice, and of this the least shadow was not granted me. I supposed +that, by loudly complaining, and by publicly treating this madman in the +manner he deserved, I should at length be told to hold my tongue; this +was what I wished for, and I was fully determined not to obey until I had +obtained redress. But at that time there was no minister for foreign +affairs. I was suffered to exclaim, nay, even encouraged to do it, and +joined with; but the affair still remained in the same state, until, +tired of being in the right without obtaining justice, my courage at +length failed me, and let the whole drop. + +The only person by whom I was ill received, and from whom I should have +least expected such an injustice, was Madam de Beuzenval. Full of the +prerogatives of rank and nobility, she could not conceive it was possible +an ambassador could ever be in the wrong with respect to his secretary. +The reception she gave me was conformable to this prejudice. I was so +piqued at it that, immediately after leaving her, I wrote her perhaps one +of the strongest and most violent letters that ever came from my pen, and +since that time I never once returned to her house. I was better +received by Father Castel; but, in the midst of his Jesuitical wheedling +I perceived him faithfully to follow one of the great maxims of his +society, which is to sacrifice the weak to the powerful. The strong +conviction I felt of the justice of my cause, and my natural greatness of +mind did not suffer me patiently to endure this partiality. I ceased +visiting Father Castel, and on that account, going to the college of the +Jesuits, where I knew nobody but himself. Besides the intriguing and +tyrannical spirit of his brethren, so different from the cordiality of +the good Father Hemet, gave me such a disgust for their conversation that +I have never since been acquainted with, nor seen anyone of them except +Father Berthier, whom I saw twice or thrice at M. Dupin's, in conjunction +with whom he labored with all his might at the refutation of Montesquieu. + +That I may not return to the subject, I will conclude what I have to say +of M. de Montaigu. I had told him in our quarrels that a secretary was +not what he wanted, but an attorney's clerk. He took the hint, and the +person whom he procured to succeed me was a real attorney, who in less +than a year robbed him of twenty or thirty thousand livres. He +discharged him, and sent him to prison, dismissed his gentleman with +disgrace, and, in wretchedness, got himself everywhere into quarrels, +received affronts which a footman would not have put up with, and, after +numerous follies, was recalled, and sent from the capital. It is very +probable that among the reprimands he received at court, his affair with +me was not forgotten. At least, a little time after his return he sent +his maitre d' hotel, to settle my account, and give me some money. I was +in want of it at that moment; my debts at Venice, debts of honor, if ever +there were any, lay heavy upon my mind. I made use of the means which +offered to discharge them, as well as the note of Zanetto Nani. I +received what was offered me, paid all my debts, and remained as before, +without a farthing in my pocket, but relieved from a weight which had +become insupportable. From that time I never heard speak of M. de +Montaigu until his death, with which I became acquainted by means of the +Gazette. The peace of God be with that poor man! He was as fit for the +functions of an ambassador as in my infancy I had been for those of +Grapignan.--[I have not been able to find this word in any dictionary, +nor does any Frenchman of letters of my acquaintance know what it means. +--T.]--However, it was in his power to have honorably supported himself +by my services, and rapidly to have advanced me in a career to which the +Comte de Gauvon had destined me in my youth, and of the functions of +which I had in a more advanced age rendered myself capable. + +The justice and inutility of my complaints, left in my mind seeds of +indignation against our foolish civil institutions, by which the welfare +of the public and real justice are always sacrificed to I know not what +appearance of order, and which does nothing more than add the sanction of +public authority to the oppression of the weak, and the iniquity of the +powerful. Two things prevented these seeds from putting forth at that +time as they afterwards did: one was, myself being in question in the +affair, and private interest, whence nothing great or noble ever +proceeded, could not draw from my heart the divine soarings, which the +most pure love, only of that which is just and sublime, can produce. The +other was the charm of friendship which tempered and calmed my wrath by +the ascendancy of a more pleasing sentiment. I had become acquainted at +Venice with a Biscayan, a friend of my friend Carrio's, and worthy of +being that of every honest man. This amiable young man, born with every +talent and virtue, had just made the tour of Italy to gain a taste for +the fine arts, and, imagining he had nothing more to acquire, intended to +return by the most direct road to his own country. I told him the arts +were nothing more than a relaxation to a genius like his, fit to +cultivate the sciences; and to give him a taste for these, I advised him +to make a journey to Paris and reside there for six months. He took my +advice, and went to Paris. He was there and expected me when I arrived. +His lodging was too considerable for him, and he offered me the half of +it, which I instantly accepted. I found him absorbed in the study of the +sublimest sciences. Nothing was above his reach. He digested everything +with a prodigious rapidity. How cordially did he thank me for having +procured him this food for his mind, which was tormented by a thirst +after knowledge, without his being aware of it! What a treasure of light +and virtue I found in the vigorous mind of this young man! I felt he was +the friend I wanted. We soon became intimate. Our tastes were not the +same, and we constantly disputed. Both opinionated, we never could agree +about anything. Nevertheless we could not separate; and, notwithstanding +our reciprocal and incessant contradiction, we neither of us wished the +other to be different from what he was. + +Ignacio Emanuel de Altuna was one of those rare beings whom only Spain +produces, and of whom she produces too few for her glory. He had not the +violent national passions common in his own country. The idea of +vengeance could no more enter his head, than the desire of it could +proceed from his heart. His mind was too great to be vindictive, and I +have frequently heard him say, with the greatest coolness, that no mortal +could offend him. He was gallant, without being tender. He played with +women as with so many pretty children. He amused himself with the +mistresses of his friends, but I never knew him to have one of his own, +nor the least desire for it. The emanations from the virtue with which +his heart was stored, never permitted the fire of the passions to excite +sensual desires. + +After his travels he married, died young, and left children; and, I am as +convinced as of my existence, that his wife was the first and only woman +with whom he ever tasted of the pleasures of love. + +Externally he was devout, like a Spaniard, but in his heart he had the +piety of an angel. Except myself, he is the only man I ever saw whose +principles were not intolerant. He never in his life asked any person +his opinion in matters of religion. It was not of the least consequence +to him whether his friend was a Jew, a Protestant, a Turk, a Bigot, or an +Atheist, provided he was an honest man. Obstinate and headstrong in +matters of indifference, but the moment religion was in question, even +the moral part, he collected himself, was silent, or simply said: "I am +charged with the care of myself, only." It is astonishing so much +elevation of mind should be compatible with a spirit of detail carried to +minuteness. He previously divided the employment of the day by hours, +quarters and minutes; and so scrupulously adhered to this distribution, +that had the clock struck while he was reading a phrase, he would have +shut his book without finishing it. His portions of time thus laid out, +were some of them set apart to studies of one kind, and others to those +of another: he had some for reflection, conversation, divine service, the +reading of Locke, for his rosary, for visits, music and painting; and +neither pleasure, temptation, nor complaisance, could interrupt this +order: a duty he might have had to discharge was the only thing that +could have done it. When he gave me a list of his distribution, that I +might conform myself thereto, I first laughed, and then shed tears of +admiration. He never constrained anybody nor suffered constraint: he was +rather rough with people, who from politeness, attempted to put it upon +him. He was passionate without being sullen. I have often seen him +warm, but never saw him really angry with any person. Nothing could be +more cheerful than his temper: he knew how to pass and receive a joke; +raillery was one of his distinguished talents, and with which he +possessed that of pointed wit and repartee. When he was animated, he was +noisy and heard at a great distance; but whilst he loudly inveighed, a +smile was spread over his countenance, and in the midst of his warmth he +used some diverting expression which made all his hearers break out into +a loud laugh. He had no more of the Spanish complexion than of the +phlegm of that country. His skin was white, his cheeks finely colored, +and his hair of a light chestnut. He was tall and well made; his body +was well formed for the residence of his mind. + +This wise--hearted as well as wise--headed man, knew mankind, and was my +friend; this was my only answer to such as are not so. We were so +intimately united, that our intention was to pass our days together. In +a few years I was to go to Ascoytia to live with him at his estate; every +part of the project was arranged the eve of his departure; nothing was +left undetermined, except that which depends not upon men in the best +concerted plans, posterior events. My disasters, his marriage, and +finally, his death, separated us forever. Some men would be tempted to +say, that nothing succeeds except the dark conspiracies of the wicked, +and that the innocent intentions of the good are seldom or never +accomplished. I had felt the inconvenience of dependence, and took a +resolution never again to expose myself to it; having seen the projects +of ambition, which circumstances had induced me to form, overturned in +their birth. Discouraged in the career I had so well begun, from which, +however, I had just been expelled, I resolved never more to attach myself +to any person, but to remain in an independent state, turning my talents +to the best advantage: of these I at length began to feel the extent, and +that I had hitherto had too modest an opinion of them. I again took up +my opera, which I had laid aside to go to Venice; and that I might be +less interrupted after the departure of Altuna, I returned to my old +hotel St. Quentin; which, in a solitary part of the town, and not far +from the Luxembourg, was more proper for my purpose than noisy Rue St. +Honor. + +There the only consolation which Heaven suffered me to taste in my +misery, and the only one which rendered it supportable, awaited me. This +was not a trancient acquaintance; I must enter into some detail relative +to the manner in which it was made. + +We had a new landlady from Orleans; she took for a needlewoman a girl +from her own country, of between twenty--two and twenty--three years of +age, and who, as well as the hostess, ate at our table. This girl, named +Theresa le Vasseur, was of a good family; her father was an officer in +the mint of Orleans, and her mother a shopkeeper; they had many children. +The function of the mint of Orleans being suppressed, the father found +himself without employment; and the mother having suffered losses, was +reduced to narrow circumstances. She quitted her business and came to +Paris with her husband and daughter, who, by her industry, maintained all +the three. + +The first time I saw this girl at table, I was struck with her modesty; +and still more so with her lively yet charming look, which, with respect +to the impression it made upon me, was never equalled. Beside M. de +Bonnefond, the company was composed of several Irish priests, Gascons and +others of much the same description. Our hostess herself had not made +the best possible use of her time, and I was the only person at the table +who spoke and behaved with decency. Allurements were thrown out to the +young girl. I took her part, and the joke was then turned against me. +Had I had no natural inclination to the poor girl, compassion and +contradiction would have produced it in me: I was always a great friend +to decency in manners and conversation, especially in the fair sex. I +openly declared myself her champion, and perceived she was not insensible +of my attention; her looks, animated by the gratitude she dared not +express by words, were for this reason still more penetrating. + +She was very timid, and I was as much so as herself. The connection +which this disposition common to both seemed to remove to a distance, was +however rapidly formed. Our landlady perceiving its progress, became +furious, and her brutality forwarded my affair with the young girl, who, +having no person in the house except myself to give her the least +support, was sorry to see me go from home, and sighed for the return of +her protector. The affinity our hearts bore to each other, and the +similarity of our dispositions, had soon their ordinary effect. She +thought she saw in me an honest man, and in this she was not deceived. +I thought I perceived in her a woman of great sensibility, simple in her +manners, and devoid of all coquetry:--I was no more deceived in her than +she in me. I began by declaring to her that I would never either abandon +or marry her. Love, esteem, artless sincerity were the ministers of my +triumph, and it was because her heart was tender and virtuous, that I was +happy without being presuming. + +The apprehensions she was under of my not finding in her that for which I +sought, retarded my happiness more than every other circumstance. I +perceived her disconcerted and confused before she yielded her consent, +wishing to be understood and not daring to explain herself. Far from +suspecting the real cause of her embarrassment, I falsely imagined it to +proceed from another motive, a supposition highly insulting to her +morals, and thinking she gave me to understand my health might be exposed +to danger, I fell into so perplexed a state that, although it was no +restraint upon me, it poisoned my happiness during several days. As we +did not understand each other, our conversations upon this subject were +so many enigmas more than ridiculous. She was upon the point of +believing I was absolutely mad; and I on my part was as near not knowing +what else to think of her. At last we came to an explanation; she +confessed to me with tears the only fault of the kind of her whole life, +immediately after she became nubile; the fruit of her ignorance and the +address of her seducer. The moment I comprehended what she meant, I gave +a shout of joy. "A Hymen!" exclaimed I; "sought for at Paris, and at +twenty years of age! Ah my Theresa! I am happy in possessing thee, +virtuous and healthy as thou art, and in not finding that for which I +never sought." + +At first amusement was my only object; I perceived I had gone further and +had given myself a companion. A little intimate connection with this +excellent girl, and a few reflections upon my situation, made me discover +that, while thinking of nothing more than my pleasures, I had done a +great deal towards my happiness. In the place of extinguished ambition, +a life of sentiment, which had entire possession of my heart, was +necessary to me. In a word, I wanted a successor to mamma: since I was +never again to live with her, it was necessary some person should live +with her pupil, and a person, too, in whom I might find that simplicity +and docility of mind and heart which she had found in me. It was, +moreover, necessary that the happiness of domestic life should indemnify +me for the splendid career I had just renounced. When I was quite alone +there was a void in my heart, which wanted nothing more than another +heart to fill it up. Fate had deprived me of this, or at least in part +alienated me from that for which by nature I was formed. From that +moment I was alone, for there never was for me the least thing +intermediate between everything and nothing. I found in Theresa the +supplement of which I stood in need; by means of her I lived as happily +as I possibly could do, according to the course of events. + +I at first attempted to improve her mind. In this my pains were useless. +Her mind is as nature formed it: it was not susceptible of cultivation. +I do not blush in acknowledging she never knew how to read well, although +she writes tolerably. When I went to lodge in the Rue Neuve des Petits +Champs, opposite to my windows at the Hotel de Ponchartrain, there was a +sun-dial, on which for a whole month I used all my efforts to teach her +to know the hours; yet, she scarcely knows them at present. She never +could enumerate the twelve months of the year in order, and cannot +distinguish one numeral from another, notwithstanding all the trouble I +took endeavoring to teach them to her. She neither knows how to count +money, nor to reckon the price of anything. The word which when she +speaks, presents itself to her mind, is frequently opposite to that of +which she means to make use. I formerly made a dictionary of her +phrases, to amuse M. de Luxembourg, and her 'qui pro quos' often became +celebrated among those with whom I was most intimate. But this person, +so confined in her intellects, and, if the world pleases, so stupid, can +give excellent advice in cases of difficulty. In Switzerland, in England +and in France, she frequently saw what I had not myself perceived; she +has often given me the best advice I could possibly follow; she has +rescued me from dangers into which I had blindly precipitated myself, and +in the presence of princes and the great, her sentiments, good sense, +answers, and conduct have acquired her universal esteem, and myself the +most sincere congratulations on her merit. With persons whom we love, +sentiment fortifies the mind as well as the heart; and they who are thus +attached, have little need of searching for ideas elsewhere. + +I lived with my Theresa as agreeably as with the finest genius in the +world. Her mother, proud of having been brought up under the Marchioness +of Monpipeau, attempted to be witty, wished to direct the judgment of her +daughter, and by her knavish cunning destroyed the simplicity of our +intercourse. + +The fatigue of this opportunity made me in some degree surmount the +foolish shame which prevented me from appearing with Theresa in public; +and we took short country walks, tete-a-tete, and partook of little +collations, which, to me, were delicious. I perceived she loved me +sincerely, and this increased my tenderness. This charming intimacy left +me nothing to wish; futurity no longer gave me the least concern, or at +most appeared only as the present moment prolonged: I had no other desire +than that of insuring its duration. + +This attachment rendered all other dissipation superfluous and insipid to +me. As I only went out for the purpose of going to the apartment of +Theresa, her place of residence almost became my own. My retirement was +so favorable to the work I had undertaken, that, in less than three +months, my opera was entirely finished, both words and music, except a +few accompaniments, and fillings up which still remained to be added. +This maneuvering business was very fatiguing to me. I proposed it to +Philidor, offering him at the same time a part of the profits. He came +twice, and did something to the middle parts in the act of Ovid; but he +could not confine himself to an assiduous application by the allurement +of advantages which were distant and uncertain. He did not come a third +time, and I finished the work myself. + +My opera completed, the next thing was to make something of it: this was +by much the more difficult task of the two. A man living in solitude in +Paris will never succeed in anything. I was on the point of making my +way by means of M. de la Popliniere, to whom Gauffecourt, at my return to +Geneva had introduced me. M. de la Popliniere was the Mecaenas of +Rameau; Madam de la Popliniere his very humble scholar. Rameau was said +to govern in that house. Judging that he would with pleasure protect the +work of one of his disciples, I wished to show him what I had done. He +refused to examine it; saying he could not read score, it was too +fatiguing to him. M. de la Popliniere, to obviate this difficulty, said +he might hear it; and offered me to send for musicians to execute certain +detached pieces. I wished for nothing better. Rameau consented with an +ill grace, incessantly repeating that the composition of a man not +regularly bred to the science, and who had learned music without a +master, must certainly be very fine! I hastened to copy into parts five +or six select passages. Ten symphonies were procured, and Albert, +Berard, and Mademoiselle Bourbonois undertook the vocal part. Remeau, +the moment he heard the overture, was purposely extravagant in his +eulogium, by which he intended it should be understood it could not be my +composition. He showed signs of impatience at every passage: but after a +counter tenor song, the air of which was noble and harmonious, with a +brilliant accompaniment, he could no longer contain himself; he +apostrophised me with a brutality at which everybody was shocked, +maintaining that a part of what he had heard was by a man experienced in +the art, and the rest by some ignorant person who did not so much as +understand music. It is true my composition, unequal and without rule, +was sometimes sublime, and at others insipid, as that of a person who +forms himself in an art by the soarings of his own genius, unsupported by +science, must necessarily be. Rameau pretended to see nothing in me but +a contemptible pilferer, without talents or taste. The rest of the +company, among whom I must distinguish the master of the house, were of a +different opinion. M. de Richelieu, who at that time frequently visited +M. and Madam de la Popliniere, heard them speak of my work, and wished to +hear the whole of it, with an intention, if it pleased him, to have it +performed at court. The opera was executed with full choruses, and by a +great orchestra, at the expense of the king, at M. de Bonneval's +intendant of the Menus; Francoeur directed the band. The effect was +surprising: the duke never ceased to exclaim and applaud; and, at the end +of one of the choruses, in the act of Tasso, he arose and came to me, +and, pressing my hand, said: "M. Rousseau, this is transporting harmony. +I never heard anything finer. I will get this performed at Versailles." + +Madam de la Poliniere, who was present, said not a word. Rameau, +although invited, refused to come. The next day, Madam de la Popliniere +received me at her toilette very ungraciously, affected to undervalue my +piece, and told me, that although a little false glitter had at first +dazzled M. de Richelieu, he had recovered from his error, and she advised +me not to place the least dependence upon my opera. The duke arrived +soon after, and spoke to me in quite a different language. He said very +flattering things of my talents, and seemed as much disposed as ever to +have my composition performed before the king. "There is nothing," said +he, "but the act of Tasso which cannot pass at court: you must write +another." Upon this single word I shut myself up in my apartment; and in +three weeks produced, in the place of Tasso, another act, the subject of +which was Hesiod inspired by the muses. In this I found the secret of +introducing a part of the history of my talents, and of the jealousy with +which Rameau had been pleased to honor me. There was in the new act an +elevation less gigantic and better supported than in the act of Tasso. +The music was as noble and the composition better; and had the other two +acts been equal to this, the whole piece would have supported a +representation to advantage. But whilst I was endeavoring to give it the +last finishing, another undertaking suspended the completion of that I +had in my hand. In the winter which succeeded the battle of Fontenoi, +there were many galas at Versailles, and several operas performed at the +theater of the little stables. Among the number of the latter was the +dramatic piece of Voltaire, entitled 'La Princesse de Navarre', the music +by Rameau, the name of which has just been changed to that of 'Fetes de +Ramire'. This new subject required several changes to be made in the +divertissements, as well in the poetry as in the music. + +A person capable of both was now sought after. Voltaire was in Lorraine, +and Rameau also; both of whom were employed on the opera of the Temple of +Glory, and could not give their attention to this. M. de Richelieu +thought of me, and sent to desire I would undertake the alterations; +and, that I might the better examine what there was to do, he gave me +separately the poem and the music. In the first place, I would not touch +the words without the consent of the author, to whom I wrote upon the +subject a very polite and respectful letter, such a one as was proper; +and received from him the following answer: + +"SIR: In you two talents, which hitherto have always been separated, are +united. These are two good reasons for me to esteem and to endeavor to +love you. I am sorry, on your account, you should employ these talents in +a work which is so little worthy of them. A few months ago the Duke de +Richelieu commanded me to make, absolutely in the twinkling of an eye, +a little and bad sketch of a few insipid and imperfect scenes to be +adapted to divertissements which are not of a nature to be joined with +them. I obeyed with the greatest exactness. I wrote very fast, and very +ill. I sent this wretched production to M. de Richelieu, imagining he +would make no use of it, or that I should have it again to make the +necessary corrections. Happily it is in your hands, and you are at full +liberty to do with it whatever you please: I have entirely lost sight of +the thing. I doubt not but you will have corrected all the faults which +cannot but abound in so hasty a composition of such a very simple sketch, +and am persuaded you will have supplied whatever was wanting. + +"I remember that, among other stupid inattentions, no account is given in +the scenes which connect the divertissements of the manner in which the +Grenadian prince immediately passes from a prison to a garden or palace. +As it is not a magician but a Spanish nobleman who gives her the gala, I +am of opinion nothing should be effected by enchantment. + +"I beg, sir, you will examine this part, of which I have but a confused +idea. + +"You will likewise consider, whether or not it be necessary the prison +should be opened, and the princess conveyed from it to a fine palace, +gilt and varnished, and prepared for her. I know all this is wretched, +and that it is beneath a thinking being to make a serious affair of such +trifles; but, since we must displease as little as possible, it is +necessary we should conform to reason, even in a bad divertissement of an +opera. + +"I depend wholly upon you and M. Ballot, and soon expect to have the +honor of returning you my thanks, and assuring you how much I am, etc." + +There is nothing surprising in the great politeness of this letter, +compared with the almost crude ones which he has since written to me. +He thought I was in great favor with Madam Richelieu; and the courtly +suppleness, which everyone knows to be the character of this author, +obliged him to be extremely polite to a new comer, until he become better +acquainted with the measure of the favor and patronage he enjoyed. + +Authorized by M. de Voltaire, and not under the necessity of giving +myself the least concern about M. Rameau, who endeavored to injure me, +I set to work, and in two months my undertaking was finished. With +respect to the poetry, it was confined to a mere trifle; I aimed at +nothing more than to prevent the difference of style from being +perceived, and had the vanity to think I had succeeded. The musical part +was longer and more laborious. Besides my having to compose several +preparatory pieces, and, amongst others, the overture, all the +recitative, with which I was charged, was extremely difficult on account +of the necessity there was of connecting, in a few verses, and by very +rapid modulations, symphonies and choruses, in keys very different from +each other; for I was determined neither to change nor transpose any of +the airs, that Rameau might not accuse me of having disfigured them. +I succeeded in the recitative; it was well accented, full of energy and +excellent modulation. The idea of two men of superior talents, with whom +I was associated, had elevated my genius, and I can assert, that in this +barren and inglorious task, of which the public could have no knowledge, +I was for the most part equal to my models. + +The piece, in the state to which I had brought it, was rehearsed in the +great theatre of the opera. Of the three authors who had contributed to +the production, I was the only one present. Voltaire was not in Paris, +and Rameau either did not come, or concealed himself. The words of the +first monologue were very mournful; they began with: + + O Mort! viens terminer les malheurs de ma vie. + + [O Death! hasten to terminate the misfortunes of my life.] + +To these, suitable music was necessary. It was, however, upon this that +Madam de la Popliniere founded her censure; accusing me, with much +bitterness, of having composed a funeral anthem. M. de Richelieu very +judiciously began by informing himself who was the author of the poetry +of this monologue; I presented him the manuscript he had sent me, which +proved it was by Voltaire. "In that case," said the duke, "Voltaire +alone is to blame." During the rehearsal, everything I had done was +disapproved by Madam de la Popliniere, and approved of by M. de +Richelieu; but I had afterwards to do with too powerful an adversary. +It was signified to me that several parts of my composition wanted +revising, and that on this it was necessary I should consult M. Rameau; +my heart was wounded by such a conclusion, instead of the eulogium I +expected, and which certainly I merited, and I returned to my apartment +overwhelmed with grief, exhausted with fatigue, and consumed by chagrin. +I was immediately taken ill, and confined to my chamber for upwards of +six weeks. + +Rameau, who was charged with the alterations indicated by Madam de la +Popliniere, sent to ask me for the overture of my great opera, to +substitute it to that I had just composed. Happily I perceived the trick +he intended to play me, and refused him the overture. As the performance +was to be in five or six days, he had not time to make one, and was +obliged to leave that I had prepared. It was in the Italian taste, and +in a style at that time quite new in France. It gave satisfaction, and I +learned from M. de Valmalette, maitre d'hotel to the king, and son-in-law +to M. Mussard, my relation and friend, that the connoisseurs were highly +satisfied with my work, and that the public had not distinguished it from +that of Rameau. However, he and Madam de la Popliniere took measures to +prevent any person from knowing I had any concern in the matter. In the +books distributed to the audience, and in which the authors are always +named, Voltaire was the only person mentioned, and Rameau preferred the +suppression of his own name to seeing it associated with mine. + +As soon as I was in a situation to leave my room, I wished to wait upon +M. de Richelieu, but it was too late; he had just set off for Dunkirk, +where he was to command the expedition destined to Scotland. At his +return, said I to myself, to authorize my idleness, it will be too late +for my purpose, not having seen him since that time. I lost the honor of +mywork and the emoluments it should have produced me, besides considering +my time, trouble, grief, and vexation, my illness, and the money this cost +me, without ever receiving the least benefit, or rather, recompense. +However, I always thought M. de Richelieu was disposed to serve me, and +that he had a favorable opinion of my talents; but my misfortune, and +Madam de la Popliniere, prevented the effect of his good wishes. + +I could not divine the reason of the aversion this lady had to me. I had +always endeavored to make myself agreeable to her, and regularly paid her +my court. Gauffecourt explained to me the causes of her dislike: "The +first," said he, "is her friendship for Rameau, of whom she is the +declared panegyrist, and who will not suffer a competitor; the next is an +original sin, which ruins you in her estimation, and which she will never +forgive; you are a Genevese." Upon this he told me the Abbe Hubert, who +was from the same city, and the sincere friend of M. de la Popliniere, +had used all his efforts to prevent him from marrying this lady, with +whose character and temper he was very well acquainted; and that after +the marriage she had vowed him an implacable hatred, as well as all the +Genevese. "Although La Popliniere has a friendship for you, do not," +said he, "depend upon his protection: he is still in love with his wife: +she hates you, and is vindictive and artful; you will never do anything +in that house." All this I took for granted. + +The same Gauffecourt rendered me much about this time, a service of which +I stood in the greatest need. I had just lost my virtuous father, who +was about sixty years of age. I felt this loss less severely than I +should have done at any other time, when the embarrassments of my +situation had less engaged my attention. During his life-time I had +never claimed what remained of the property of my mother, and of which he +received the little interest. His death removed all my scruples upon +this subject. But the want of a legal proof of the death of my brother +created a difficulty which Gauffecourt undertook to remove, and this he +effected by means of the good offices of the advocate De Lolme. As I +stood in need of the little resource, and the event being doubtful, I +waited for a definitive account with the greatest anxiety. + +One evening on entering my apartment I found a letter, which I knew to +contain the information I wanted, and I took it up with an impatient +trembling, of which I was inwardly ashamed. What? said I to myself, +with disdain, shall Jean Jacques thus suffer himself to be subdued by +interest and curiosity? I immediately laid the letter again upon the +chimney-piece. I undressed myself, went to bed with great composure, +slept better than ordinary, and rose in the morning at a late hour, +without thinking more of my letter. As I dressed myself, it caught my +eye; I broke the seal very leisurely, and found under the envelope a bill +of exchange. I felt a variety of pleasing sensations at the same time: +but I can assert, upon my honor, that the most lively of them all was +that proceeding from having known how to be master of myself. + +I could mention twenty such circumstances in my life, but I am too much +pressed for time to say everything. I sent a small part of this money to +my poor mamma; regretting, with my eyes suffused with tears, the happy +time when I should have laid it all at her feet. All her letters +contained evident marks of her distress. She sent me piles of recipes, +and numerous secrets, with which she pretended I might make my fortune +and her own. The idea of her wretchedness already affected her heart and +contracted her mind. The little I sent her fell a prey to the knaves by +whom she was surrounded; she received not the least advantage from +anything. The idea of dividing what was necessary to my own subsistence +with these wretches disgusted me, especially after the vain attempt I had +made to deliver her from them, and of which I shall have occasion to +speak. Time slipped away, and with it the little money I had; we were +two, or indeed, four persons; or, to speak still more correctly, seven or +eight. Although Theresa was disinterested to a degree of which there are +but few examples, her mother was not so. She was no sooner a little +relieved from her necessities by my cares, than she sent for her whole +family to partake of the fruits of them. Her sisters, sons, daughters, +all except her eldest daughter, married to the director of the coaches of +Augers, came to Paris. Everything I did for Theresa, her mother diverted +from its original destination in favor of these people who were starving. +I had not to do with an avaricious person; and, not being under the +influence of an unruly passion, I was not guilty of follies. Satisfied +with genteelly supporting Theresa without luxury, and unexposed to +pressing wants, I readily consented to let all the earnings of her +industry go to the profit of her mother; and to this even I did not +confine myself; but, by a fatality by which I was pursued, whilst mamma +was a prey to the rascals about her Theresa was the same to her family; +and I could not do anything on either side for the benefit of her to whom +the succor I gave was destined. It was odd enough the youngest child of +M. de la Vasseur, the only one who had not received a marriage portion +from her parents, should provide for their subsistence; and that, after +having along time been beaten by her brothers, sisters, and even her +nieces, the poor girl should be plundered by them all, without being more +able to defend herself from their thefts than from their blows. One of +her nieces, named Gorton le Duc, was of a mild and amiable character; +although spoiled by the lessons and examples of the others. As I +frequently saw them together, I gave them names, which they afterwards +gave to each other; I called the niece my niece, and the aunt my aunt; +they both called me uncle. Hence the name of aunt, by which I continued +to call Theresa, and which my friends sometimes jocosely repeated. It +will be judged that in such a situation I had not a moment to lose, +before I attempted to extricate myself. Imagining M. de Richelieu had +forgotten me, and having no more hopes from the court, I made some +attempts to get my opera brought out at Paris; but I met with +difficulties which could not immediately be removed, and my situation +became daily more painful. I presented my little comedy of Narcisse to +the Italians; it was received, and I had the freedom of the theatre, +which gave much pleasure. But this was all; I could never get my piece +performed, and, tired of paying my court to players, I gave myself no +more trouble about them. At length I had recourse to the last expedient +which remained to me, and the only one of which I ought to have made use. +While frequenting the house of M. de la Popliniere, I had neglected the +family of Dupin. The two ladies, although related, were not on good +terms, and never saw each other. There was not the least intercourse +between the two families, and Thieriot was the only person who visited +both. He was desired to endeavor to bring me again to M. Dupin's. M. de +Francueil was then studying natural history and chemistry, and collecting +a cabinet. I believe he aspired to become a member of the Academy of +Sciences; to this effect he intended to write a book, and judged I might +be of use to him in the undertaking. Madam de Dupin, who, on her part, +had another work in contemplation, had much the same views in respect to +me. They wished to have me in common as a kind of secretary, and this +was the reason of the invitations of Thieriot. + +I required that M. de Francueil should previously employ his interest +with that of Jelyote to get my work rehearsed at the operahouse; to this +he consented. The Muses Galantes were several times rehearsed, first at +the Magazine, and afterwards in the great theatre. The audience was very +numerous at the great rehearsal, and several parts of the composition +were highly applauded. However, during this rehearsal, very +ill-conducted by Rebel, I felt the piece would not be received; and that, +before it could appear, great alterations were necessary. I therefore +withdrew it without saying a word, or exposing myself to a refusal; +but I plainly perceived, by several indications, that the work, had it +been perfect, could not have succeeded. M. de Francueil had promised me +to get it rehearsed, but not that it should be received. He exactly kept +his word. I thought I perceived on this occasion, as well as many +others, that neither Madam Dupin nor himself were willing I should +acquire a certain reputation in the world, lest, after the publication of +their books, it should be supposed they had grafted their talents upon +mine. Yet as Madam Dupin always supposed those I had to be very +moderate, and never employed me except it was to write what she dictated, +or in researches of pure erudition, the reproach, with respect to her, +would have been unjust. + +This last failure of success completed my discouragement. I abandoned +every prospect of fame and advancement; and, without further troubling my +head about real or imaginary talents, with which I had so little success, +I dedicated my whole time and cares to procure myself and Theresa a +subsistence in the manner most pleasing to those to whom it should be +agreeable to provide for it. I therefore entirely attached myself to +Madam Dupin and M. de Francueil. This did not place me in a very opulent +situation; for with eight or nine hundred livres, which I had the first +two years, I had scarcely enough to provide for my primary wants; being +obliged to live in their neighborhood, a dear part of the town, in a +furnished lodging, and having to pay for another lodging at the extremity +of Paris, at the very top of the Rue Saint Jacques, to which, let the +weather be as it would, I went almost every evening to supper. I soon +got into the track of my new occupations, and conceived a taste for them. +I attached myself to the study of chemistry, and attended several courses +of it with M. de Francueil at M. Rouelle's, and we began to scribble over +paper upon that science, of which we scarcely possessed the elements. +In 1717, we went to pass the autumn in Tourraine, at the castle of +Chenonceaux, a royal mansion upon the Cher, built by Henry the II, for +Diana of Poitiers, of whom the ciphers are still seen, and which is now +in the possession of M. Dupin, a farmer general. We amused ourselves +very agreeably in this beautiful place, and lived very well: I became as +fat there as a monk. Music was a favorite relaxation. I composed +several trios full of harmony, and of which I may perhaps speak in my +supplement if ever I should write one. Theatrical performances were +another resource. I wrote a comedy in fifteen days, entitled +'l'Engagement Temeraire',--[The Rash Engagement]--which will be found +amongst my papers; it has no other merit than that of being lively. +I composed several other little things: amongst others a poem entitled, +'l'Aliee de Sylvie', from the name of an alley in the park upon the bank +of the Cher; and this without discontinuing my chemical studies, or +interrupting what I had to do for Madam Dupin. + +Whilst I was increasing my corpulency at Chenonceaux, that of my poor +Theresa was augmented at Paris in another manner, and at my return I +found the work I had put upon the frame in greater forwardness than I had +expected. This, on account of my situation, would have thrown me into +the greatest embarrassment, had not one of my messmates furnished me with +the only resource which could relieve me from it. This is one of those +essential narratives which I cannot give with too much simplicity; +because, in making an improper use of their names, I should either excuse +or inculpate myself, both of which in this place are entirely out of the +question. + +During the residence of Altuna at Paris, instead of going to eat at a +'Traiteurs', he and I commonly eat in the neighborhood, almost opposite +the cul de sac of the opera, at the house of a Madam la Selle, the wife +of a tailor, who gave but very ordinary dinners, but whose table was much +frequented on account of the safe company which generally resorted to it; +no person was received without being introduced by one of those who used +the house. The commander, De Graville, an old debauchee, with much wit +and politeness, but obscene in conversation, lodged at the house, and +brought to it a set of riotous and extravagant young men; officers in the +guards and mousquetaires. The Commander de Nonant, chevalier to all the +girls of the opera, was the daily oracle, who conveyed to us the news of +this motley crew. M. du Plessis, a lieutenant-colonel, retired from the +service, an old man of great goodness and wisdom; and M. Ancelet, + + [It was to this M. Ancelet I gave a little comedy, after my own + manner entitled 'les Prisouniers de Guerre', which I wrote after the + disasters of the French in Bavaria and Bohemia: I dared not either + avow this comedy or show it, and this for the singular reason that + neither the King of France nor the French were ever better spoken of + nor praised with more sincerity of heart than in my piece though + written by a professed republican, I dared not declare myself the + panegyrist of a nation, whose maxims were exactly the reverse of my + own. More grieved at the misfortunes of France than the French + themselves I was afraid the public would construe into flattery and + mean complaisance the marks of a sincere attachment, of which in my + first part I have mentioned the date and the cause, and which I was + ashamed to show.] + +an officer in the mousquetaires kept the young people in a certain kind +of order. This table was also frequented by commercial people, +financiers and contractors, but extremely polite, and such as were +distinguished amongst those of the same profession. M. de Besse, M. de +Forcade, and others whose names I have forgotten, in short, well-dressed +people of every description were seen there; except abbes and men of the +long robe, not one of whom I ever met in the house, and it was agreed not +to introduce men of either of these professions. This table, +sufficiently resorted to, was very cheerful without being noisy, and many +of the guests were waggish, without descending to vulgarity. The old +commander with all his smutty stories, with respect to the substance, +never lost sight of the politeness of the old court; nor did any indecent +expression, which even women would not have pardoned him, escape his +lips. His manner served as a rule to every person at table; all the +young men related their adventures of gallantry with equal grace and +freedom, and these narratives were the more complete, as the seraglio was +at the door; the entry which led to it was the same; for there was a +communication between this and the shop of Le Duchapt, a celebrated +milliner, who at that time had several very pretty girls, with whom our +young people went to chat before or after dinner. I should thus have +amused myself as well as the rest, had I been less modest: I had only to +go in as they did, but this I never had courage enough to do. With +respect to Madam de Selle, I often went to eat at her house after the +departure of Altuna. I learned a great number of amusing anecdotes, and +by degrees I adopted, thank God, not the morals, but the maxims I found +to be established there. Honest men injured, husbands deceived, women +seduced, were the most ordinary topics, and he who had best filled the +foundling hospital was always the most applauded. I caught the manners +I daily had before my eyes: I formed my manner of thinking upon that I +observed to be the reigning one amongst amiable: and upon the whole, very +honest people. I said to myself, since it is the custom of the country, +they who live here may adopt it; this is the expedient for which I +sought. I cheerfully determined upon it without the least scruple, and +the only one I had to overcome was that of Theresa, whom, with the +greatest imaginable difficulty, I persuaded to adopt this only means of +saving her honor. Her mother, who was moreover apprehensive of a new +embarrassment by an increase of family, came to my aid, and she at length +suffered herself to be prevailed upon. We made choice of a midwife, a +safe and prudent woman, Mademoiselle Gouin, who lived at the Point Saint +Eustache, and when the time came, Theresa was conducted to her house by +her mother. + +I went thither several times to see her, and gave her a cipher which I +had made double upon two cards; one of them was put into the linen of the +child, and by the midwife deposited with the infant in the office of the +foundling hospital according to the customary form. The year following, +a similar inconvenience was remedied by the same expedient, excepting the +cipher, which was forgotten: no more reflection on my part, nor +approbation on that of the mother; she obeyed with trembling. All the +vicissitudes which this fatal conduct has produced in my manner of +thinking, as well as in my destiny, will be successively seen. For the +present, we will confine ourselves to this first period; its cruel and +unforeseen consequences will but too frequently oblige me to refer to it. + +I here mark that of my first acquaintance with Madam D'Epinay, whose name +will frequently appear in these memoirs. She was a Mademoiselle D' +Esclavelles, and had lately been married to M. D'Epinay, son of M. de +Lalive de Bellegarde, a farmer general. She understood music, and a +passion for the art produced between these three persons the greatest +intimacy. Madam Prancueil introduced me to Madam D'Epinay, and we +sometimes supped together at her house. She was amiable, had wit and +talent, and was certainly a desirable acquaintance; but she had a female +friend, a Mademoiselle d'Ette, who was said to have much malignancy in +her disposition; she lived with the Chevalier de Valory, whose temper was +far from being one of the best. I am of opinion, an acquaintance with +these two persons was prejudicial to Madam D'Epinay, to whom, with a +disposition which required the greatest attention from those about her, +nature had given very excellent qualities to regulate or counterbalance +her extravagant pretensions. M. de Francueil inspired her with a part of +the friendship he had conceived for me, and told me of the connection +between them, of which, for that reason, I would not now speak, were it +not become so public as not to be concealed from M. D'Epinay himself. + +M. de Francueil confided to me secrets of a very singular nature relative +to this lady, of which she herself never spoke to me, nor so much as +suspected my having a knowledge; for I never opened my lips to her upon +the subject, nor will I ever do it to any person. The confidence all +parties had in my prudence rendered my situation very embarrassing, +especially with Madam de Francueil, whose knowledge of me was sufficient +to remove from her all suspicion on my account, although I was connected +with her rival. I did everything I could to console this poor woman, +whose husband certainly did not return the affection she had for him. +I listened to these three persons separately; I kept all their secrets so +faithfully that not one of the three ever drew from me those of the two +others, and this, without concealing from either of the women my +attachment to each of them. Madam de Francueil, who frequently wished to +make me an agent, received refusals in form, and Madam D'Epinay, once +desiring me to charge myself with a letter to M. de Francueil received +the same mortification, accompanied by a very express declaration, that +if ever she wished to drive me forever from the house, she had only a +second time to make me a like proposition. + +In justice to Madam D'Epinay, I must say, that far from being offended +with me she spoke of my conduct to M. de Francueil in terms of the +highest approbation, and continued to receive me as well, and as politely +as ever. It was thus, amidst the heart-burnings of three persons to whom +I was obliged to behave with the greatest circumspection, on whom I in +some measure depended, and for whom I had conceived an attachment, that +by conducting myself with mildness and complaisance, although accompanied +with the greatest firmness, I preserved unto the last not only their +friendship, but their esteem and confidence. Notwithstanding my +absurdities and awkwardness, Madam D'Epinay would have me make one of the +party to the Chevrette, a country-house, near Saint Denis, belonging to +M. de Bellegarde. There was a theatre, in which performances were not +unfrequent. I had a part given me, which I studied for six months +without intermission, and in which, on the evening of the representation, +I was obliged to be prompted from the beginning to the end. After this +experiment no second proposal of the kind was ever made to me. + +My acquaintance with M. D'Epinay procured me that of her sister-in-law, +Mademoiselle de Bellegarde, who soon afterwards became Countess of +Houdetot. The first time I saw her she was upon the point of marriage; +when she conversed with me a long time, with that charming familiarity +which was natural to her. I thought her very amiable, but I was far from +perceiving that this young person would lead me, although innocently, +into the abyss in which I still remain. + +Although I have not spoken of Diderot since my return from Venice, no +more than of my friend M. Roguin, I did not neglect either of them, +especially the former, with whom I daily became more intimate. He had a +Nannette, as well as I a Theresa; this was between us another conformity +of circumstances. But my Theresa, as fine a woman as his Nannette, was +of a mild and amiable character, which might gain and fix the affections +of a worthy man; whereas Nannette was a vixen, a troublesome prater, and +had no qualities in the eyes of others which in any measure compensated +for her want of education. However he married her, which was well done +of him, if he had given a promise to that effect. I, for my part, not +having entered into any such engagement, was not in the least haste to +imitate him. + +I was also connected with the Abbe de Condillac, who had acquired no more +literary fame than myself, but in whom there was every appearance of his +becoming what he now is. I was perhaps the first who discovered the +extent of his abilities, and esteemed them as they deserved. He on his +part seemed satisfied with me, and, whilst shut up in my chamber in the +Rue Jean Saint Denis, near the opera-house, I composed my act of Hesiod, +he sometimes came to dine with me tete-a-tete. We sent for our dinner, +and paid share and share alike. He was at that time employed on his +Essay on the Origin of Human Knowledge, which was his first work. When +this was finished, the difficulty was to find a bookseller who would take +it. The booksellers of Paris are shy of every author at his beginning, +and metaphysics, not much then in vogue, were no very inviting subject. +I spoke to Diderot of Condillac and his work, and I afterwards brought +them acquainted with each other. They were worthy of each other's +esteem, and were presently on the most friendly terms. Diderot persuaded +the bookseller, Durand, to take the manuscript from the abbe, and this +great metaphysician received for his first work, and almost as a favor, +a hundred crowns, which perhaps he would not have obtained without my +assistance. As we lived in a quarter of the town very distant from each +other, we all assembled once a week at the Palais Royal, and went to dine +at the Hotel du Panier Fleuri. These little weekly dinners must have +been extremely pleasing to Diderot; for he who failed in almost all his +appointments never missed one of these. At our little meeting I formed +the plan of a periodical paper, entitled 'le Persifleur'--[The Jeerer] +--which Diderot and I were alternately to write. I sketched out the first +sheet, and this brought me acquainted with D'Alembert, to whom Diderot +had mentioned it. Unforeseen events frustrated our intention, and the +project was carried no further. + +These two authors had just undertaken the 'Dictionnaire Encyclopedique', +which at first was intended to be nothing more than a kind of translation +of Chambers, something like that of the Medical Dictionary of James, +which Diderot had just finished. Diderot was desirous I should do +something in this second undertaking, and proposed to me the musical +part, which I accepted. This I executed in great haste, and consequently +very ill, in the three months he had given me, as well as all the authors +who were engaged in the work. But I was the only person in readiness at +the time prescribed. I gave him my manuscript, which I had copied by a +laquais, belonging to M. de Francueil of the name of Dupont, who wrote +very well. I paid him ten crowns out of my own pocket, and these have +never been reimbursed me. Diderot had promised me a retribution on the +part of the booksellers, of which he has never since spoken to me nor I +to him. + +This undertaking of the 'Encyclopedie' was interrupted by his +imprisonment. The 'Pensees Philosophiquiest' drew upon him some +temporary inconvenience which had no disagreeable consequences. He did +not come off so easily on account of the 'Lettre sur les Aveugles', +--[Letter concerning blind persons.]--in which there was nothing +reprehensible, but some personal attacks with which Madam du Pre St. +Maur, and M. de Raumur were displeased: for this he was confined in the +dungeon of Vincennes. Nothing can describe the anguish I felt on account +of the misfortunes of my friend. My wretched imagination, which always +sees everything in the worst light, was terrified. I imagined him to be +confined for the remainder of his life. I was almost distracted with the +thought. I wrote to Madam de Pompadour, beseeching her to release him or +obtain an order to shut me up in the same dungeon. I received no answer +to my letter: this was too reasonable to be efficacious, and I do not +flatter myself that it contributed to the alleviation which, some time +afterwards, was granted to the severities of the confinement of poor +Diderot. Had this continued for any length of time with the same rigor, +I verily believe I should have died in despair at the foot of the hated +dungeon. However, if my letter produced but little effect, I did not on +account of it attribute to myself much merit, for I mentioned it but to +very few people, and never to Diderot himself. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Confessions of J. J. 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D.W.] + + + + + +THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU +(In 12 books) + +Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus Society + +London, 1903 + + + +BOOK VII. + + +After two years' silence and patience, and notwithstanding my +resolutions, I again take up my pen: Reader, suspend your judgment +as to the reasons which force me to such a step: of these you can be no +judge until you shall have read my book. + +My peaceful youth has been seen to pass away calmly and agreeably without +any great disappointments or remarkable prosperity. This mediocrity was +mostly owing to my ardent yet feeble nature, less prompt in undertaking +than easy to discourage; quitting repose for violent agitations, but +returning to it from lassitude and inclinations, and which, placing me in +an idle and tranquil state for which alone I felt I was born, at a +distance from the paths of great virtues and still further from those of +great vices, never permitted me to arrive at anything great, either good +or bad. What a different account will I soon have to give of myself! +Fate, which for thirty years forced my inclinations, for thirty others +has seemed to oppose them; and this continued opposition, between my +situation and inclinations, will appear to have been the source of +enormous faults, unheard of misfortunes, and every virtue except that +fortitude which alone can do honor to adversity. + +The history of the first part of my life was written from memory, and is +consequently full of errors. As I am obliged to write the second part +from memory also, the errors in it will probably be still more numerous. +The agreeable remembrance of the finest portion of my years, passed with +so much tranquillity and innocence, has left in my heart a thousand +charming impressions which I love incessantly to call to my recollection. +It will soon appear how different from these those of the rest of my life +have been. To recall them to my mind would be to renew their bitterness. +Far from increasing that of my situation by these sorrowful reflections, +I repel them as much as possible, and in this endeavor often succeed so +well as to be unable to find them at will. This facility of forgetting +my misfortunes is a consolation which Heaven has reserved to me in the +midst of those which fate has one day to accumulate upon my head. My +memory, which presents to me no objects but such as are agreeable, is the +happy counterpoise of my terrified imagination, by which I foresee +nothing but a cruel futurity. + +All the papers I had collected to aid my recollection, and guide me in +this undertaking, are no longer in my possession, nor can I ever again +hope to regain them. + +I have but one faithful guide on which I can depend: this is the chain of +the sentiments by which the succession of my existence has been marked, +and by these the events which have been either the cause or the effect of +the manner of it. I easily forget my misfortunes, but I cannot forget my +faults, and still less my virtuous sentiments. The remembrance of these +is too dear to me ever to suffer them to be effaced from my mind. I may +omit facts, transpose events, and fall into some errors of dates; but I +cannot be deceived in what I have felt, nor in that which from sentiment +I have done; and to relate this is the chief end of my present work. The +real object of my confessions is to communicate an exact knowledge of +what I interiorly am and have been in every situation of my life. I have +promised the history of my mind, and to write it faithfully I have no +need of other memoirs: to enter into my own heart, as I have hitherto +done, will alone be sufficient. + +There is, however, and very happily, an interval of six or seven years, +relative to which I have exact references, in a collection of letters +copied from the originals, in the hands of M. du Peyrou. This +collection, which concludes in 1760, comprehends the whole time of my +residence at the hermitage, and my great quarrel with those who called +themselves my friends; that memorable epocha of my life, and the source +of all my other misfortunes. With respect to more recent original +letters which may remain in my possession, and are but few in number, +instead of transcribing them at the end of this collection, too +voluminous to enable me to deceive the vigilance of my Arguses, I will +copy them into the work whenever they appear to furnish any explanation, +be this either for or against myself; for I am not under the least +apprehension lest the reader should forget I make my confession, and be +induced to believe I make my apology; but he cannot expect I shall +conceal the truth when it testifies in my favor. + +The second part, it is likewise to be remembered, contains nothing in +common with the first, except truth; nor has any other advantage over it, +but the importance of the facts; in everything else, it is inferior to +the former. I wrote the first with pleasure, with satisfaction, and at +my ease, at Wootton, or in the castle Trie: everything I had to recollect +was a new enjoyment. I returned to my closet with an increased pleasure, +and, without constraint, gave that turn to my descriptions which most +flattered my imagination. + +At present my head and memory are become so weak as to render me almost +incapable of every kind of application: my present undertaking is the +result of constraint, and a heart full of sorrow. I have nothing to +treat of but misfortunes, treacheries, perfidies, and circumstances +equally afflicting. I would give the world, could I bury in the +obscurity of time, every thing I have to say, and which, in spite of +myself, I am obliged to relate. I am, at the same time, under the +necessity of being mysterious and subtle, of endeavoring to impose and of +descending to things the most foreign to my nature. The ceiling under +which I write has eyes; the walls of my chamber have ears. Surrounded by +spies and by vigilant and malevolent inspectors, disturbed, and my +attention diverted, I hastily commit to paper a few broken sentences, +which I have scarcely time to read, and still less to correct. I know +that, notwithstanding the barriers which are multiplied around me, my +enemies are afraid truth should escape by some little opening. What +means can I take to introduce it to the world? This, however, I attempt +with but few hopes of success. The reader will judge whether or not such +a situation furnishes the means of agreeable descriptions, or of giving +them a seductive coloring! I therefore inform such as may undertake to +read this work, that nothing can secure them from weariness in the +prosecution of their task, unless it be the desire of becoming more fully +acquainted with a man whom they already know, and a sincere love of +justice and truth. + +In my first part I brought down my narrative to my departure with +infinite regret from Paris, leaving my heart at Charmettes, and, there +building my last castle in the air, intending some day to return to the +feet of mamma, restored to herself, with the treasures I should have +acquired, and depending upon my system of music as upon a certain +fortune. + +I made some stay at Lyons to visit my acquaintance, procure letters of +recommendation to Paris, and to sell my books of geometry which I had +brought with me. I was well received by all whom I knew. M. and Madam +de Malby seemed pleased to see me again, and several times invited me to +dinner. At their house I became acquainted with the Abbe de Malby, as I +had already done with the Abbe de Condillac, both of whom were on a visit +to their brother. The Abbe de Malby gave me letters to Paris; among +others, one to M. de Pontenelle, and another to the Comte de Caylus. +These were very agreeable acquaintances, especially the first, to whose +friendship for me his death only put a period, and from whom, in our +private conversations, I received advice which I ought to have more +exactly followed. + +I likewise saw M. Bordes, with whom I had been long acquainted, and who +had frequently obliged me with the greatest cordiality and the most real +pleasure. He it was who enabled me to sell my books; and he also gave me +from himself good recommendations to Paris. I again saw the intendant +for whose acquaintance I was indebted to M. Bordes, and who introduced me +to the Duke de Richelieu, who was then passing through Lyons. M. Pallu +presented me. The Duke received me well, and invited me to come and see +him at Paris; I did so several times; although this great acquaintance, +of which I shall frequently have occasion to speak, was never of the most +trifling utility to me. + +I visited the musician David, who, in one of my former journeys, and in +my distress, had rendered me service. He had either lent or given me a +cap and a pair of stockings, which I have never returned, nor has he ever +asked me for them, although we have since that time frequently seen each +other. I, however, made him a present, something like an equivalent. +I would say more upon this subject, were what I have owned in question; +but I have to speak of what I have done, which, unfortunately, is far +from being the same thing. + +I also saw the noble and generous Perrichon, and not without feeling the +effects of his accustomed munificence; for he made me the same present he +had previously done to the elegant Bernard, by paying for my place in the +diligence. I visited the surgeon Parisot, the best and most benevolent +of men; as also his beloved Godefroi, who had lived with him ten years, +and whose merit chiefly consisted in her gentle manners and goodness of +heart. It was impossible to see this woman without pleasure, or to leave +her without regret. Nothing better shows the inclinations of a man, than +the nature of his attachments. + + [Unless he be deceived in his choice, or that she, to whom he + attaches himself, changes her character by an extraordinary + concurrence of causes, which is not absolutely impossible. Were + this consequence to be admitted without modification, Socrates must + be judged of by his wife Xantippe, and Dion by his friend Calippus, + which would be the most false and iniquitous judgment ever made. + However, let no injurious application be here made to my wife. She + is weak and more easily deceived than I at first imagined, but by + her pure and excellent character she is worthy of all my esteem.] + +Those who had once seen the gentle Godefroi, immediately knew the good +and amiable Parisot. + +I was much obliged to all these good people, but I afterwards neglected +them all; not from ingratitude, but from that invincible indolence which +so often assumes its appearance. The remembrance of their services has +never been effaced from my mind, nor the impression they made from my +heart; but I could more easily have proved my gratitude, than assiduously +have shown them the exterior of that sentiment. Exactitude in +correspondence is what I never could observe; the moment I began to +relax, the shame and embarrassment of repairing my fault made me +aggravate it, and I entirely desist from writing; I have, therefore, been +silent, and appeared to forget them. Parisot and Perrichon took not the +least notice of my negligence, and I ever found them the same. But, +twenty years afterwards it will be seen, in M. Bordes, to what a degree +the self-love of a wit can make him carry his vengeance when he feels +himself neglected. + +Before I leave Lyons, I must not forget an amiable person, whom I again +saw with more pleasure than ever, and who left in my heart the most +tender remembrance. This was Mademoiselle Serre, of whom I have spoken +in my first part; I renewed my acquaintance with her whilst I was at M. +de Malby's. + +Being this time more at leisure, I saw her more frequently, and she made +the most sensible impressions on my heart. I had some reason to believe +her own was not unfavorable to my pretensions; but she honored me with +her confidence so far as to remove from me all temptation to allure her +partiality. + +She had no fortune, and in this respect exactly resembled myself; our +situations were too similar to permit us to become united; and with the +views I then had, I was far from thinking of marriage. She gave me to +understand that a young merchant, one M. Geneve, seemed to wish to obtain +her hand. I saw him once or twice at her lodgings; he appeared to me to +be an honest man, and this was his general character. Persuaded she +would be happy with him, I was desirous he should marry her, which he +afterwards did; and that I might not disturb their innocent love, +I hastened my departure; offering up, for the happiness of that charming +woman, prayers, which, here below were not long heard. Alas! her time +was very short, for I afterwards heard she died in the second or third +year after her marriage. My mind, during the journey, was wholly +absorbed in tender regret. I felt, and since that time, when these +circumstances have been present to my recollection, have frequently done +the same; that although the sacrifices made to virtue and our duty may +sometimes be painful, we are well rewarded by the agreeable remembrance +they leave deeply engravers in our hearts. + +I this time saw Paris in as favorable a point of view as it had appeared +to me in an unfavorable one at my first journey; not that my ideas of its +brilliancy arose from the splendor of my lodgings; for in consequence of +an address given me by M. Bordes, I resided at the Hotel St. Quentin, Rue +des Cordier, near the Sorbonne; a vile street, a miserable hotel, and a +wretched apartment: but nevertheless a house in which several men of +merit, such as Gresset, Bordes, Abbe Malby, Condillac, and several +others, of whom unfortunately I found not one, had taken up their +quarters; but I there met with M. Bonnefond, a man unacquainted with the +world, lame, litigious, and who affected to be a purist. To him I owe +the acquaintance of M. Roguin, at present the oldest friend I have and by +whose means I became acquainted with Diderot, of whom I shall soon have +occasion to say a good deal. + +I arrived at Paris in the autumn of 1741, with fifteen louis in my purse, +and with my comedy of Narcissus and my musical project in my pocket. +These composed my whole stock; consequently I had not much time to lose +before I attempted to turn the latter to some advantage. I therefore +immediately thought of making use of my recommendations. + +A young man who arrives at Paris, with a tolerable figure, and announces +himself by his talents, is sure to be well received. This was my good +fortune, which procured me some pleasure without leading to anything +solid. Of all the persons to whom I was recommended, three only were +useful to me. M. Damesin, a gentleman of Savoy, at that time equerry, +and I believe favorite, of the Princess of Carignan; M. de Boze, +Secretary of the Academy of Inscriptions, and keeper of the medals of the +king's cabinet; and Father Castel, a Jesuit, author of the 'Clavecin +oculaire'.--[ocular harpsichord.] + +All these recommendations, except that to M. Damesin, were given me by +the Abbe de Malby. + +M. Damesin provided me with that which was most needful, by means of two +persons with whom he brought me acquainted. One was M. Gase, 'president +a mortier' of the parliament of Bordeaux, and who played very well upon +the violin; the other, the Abbe de Leon, who then lodged in the Sorbonne, +a young nobleman; extremely amiable, who died in the flower of his age, +after having, for a few moments, made a figure in the world under the +name of the Chevalier de Rohan. Both these gentlemen had an inclination +to learn composition. In this I gave them lessons for a few months, by +which means my decreasing purse received some little aid. The Abbe Leon +conceived a friendship for me, and wished me to become his secretary; but +he was far from being rich, and all the salary he could offer me was +eight hundred livres, which, with infinite regret, I refused; since it +was insufficient to defray the expenses of my lodging, food, and +clothing. + +I was well received by M. de Boze. He had a thirst for knowledge, of +which he possessed not a little, but was somewhat pedantic. Madam de +Boze much resembled him; she was lively and affected. I sometimes dined +with them, and it is impossible to be more awkward than I was in her +presence. Her easy manner intimidated me, and rendered mine more +remarkable. When she presented me a plate, I modestly put forward my +fork to take one of the least bits of what she offered me, which made her +give the plate to her servant, turning her head aside that I might not +see her laugh. She had not the least suspicion that in the head of the +rustic with whom she was so diverted there was some small portion of wit. +M. de Boze presented me to M. de Reaumur, his friend, who came to dine +with him every Friday, the day on which the Academy of Sciences met. He +mentioned to him my project, and the desire I had of having it examined +by the academy. M. de Reaumur consented to make the proposal, and his +offer was accepted. On the day appointed I was introduced and presented +by M. de Reaumur, and on the same day, August 22d, 1742, I had the honor +to read to the academy the memoir I had prepared for that purpose. +Although this illustrious assembly might certainly well be expected to +inspire me with awe, I was less intimidated on this occasion than I had +been in the presence of Madam de Boze, and I got tolerably well through +my reading and the answers I was obliged to give. The memoir was well +received, and acquired me some compliments by which I was equally +surprised and flattered, imagining that before such an assembly, whoever +was not a member of it could not have commonsense. The persons appointed +to examine my system were M. Mairan, M. Hellot, and M. de Fouchy, all +three men of merit, but not one of them understood music, at least not +enough of composition to enable them to judge of my project. + +During my conference with these gentlemen, I was convinced with no less +certainty than surprise, that if men of learning have sometimes fewer +prejudices than others, they more tenaciously retain those they have. +However weak or false most of their objections were, and although I +answered them with great timidity, and I confess, in bad terms, yet with +decisive reasons, I never once made myself understood, or gave them any +explanation in the least satisfactory. I was constantly surprised at the +facility with which, by the aid of a few sonorous phrases, they refuted, +without having comprehended me. They had learned, I know not where, that +a monk of the name of Souhaitti had formerly invented a mode of noting +the gamut by ciphers: a sufficient proof that my system was not new. +This might, perhaps, be the case; for although I had never heard of +Father Souhaitti, and notwithstanding his manner of writing the seven +notes without attending to the octaves was not, under any point of view, +worthy of entering into competition with my simple and commodious +invention for easily noting by ciphers every possible kind of music, +keys, rests, octaves, measure, time, and length of note; things on which +Souhaitti had never thought it was nevertheless true, that with respect +to the elementary expression of the seven notes, he was the first +inventor. + +But besides their giving to this primitive invention more importance than +was due to it, they went still further, and, whenever they spoke of the +fundamental principles of the system, talked nonsense. The greatest +advantage of my scheme was to supersede transpositions and keys, so that +the same piece of music was noted and transposed at will by means of the +change of a single initial letter at the head of the air. These +gentlemen had heard from the music--masters of Paris that the method of +executing by transposition was a bad one; and on this authority converted +the most evident advantage of my system into an invincible objection +against it, and affirmed that my mode of notation was good for vocal +music, but bad for instrumental; instead of concluding as they ought to +have done, that it was good for vocal, and still better for instrumental. +On their report the academy granted me a certificate full of fine +compliments, amidst which it appeared that in reality it judged my system +to be neither new nor useful. I did not think proper to ornament with +such a paper the work entitled 'Dissertation sur la musique moderne', by +which I appealed to the public. + +I had reason to remark on this occasion that, even with a narrow +understanding, the sole but profound knowledge of a thing is preferable +for the purpose of judging of it, to all the lights resulting from a +cultivation of the sciences, when to these a particular study of that in +question has not been joined. The only solid objection to my system was +made by Rameau. I had scarcely explained it to him before he discovered +its weak part. "Your signs," said he, "are very good inasmuch as they +clearly and simply determine the length of notes, exactly represent +intervals, and show the simple in the double note, which the common +notation does not do; but they are objectionable on account of their +requiring an operation of the mind, which cannot always accompany the +rapidity of execution. The position of our notes," continued he, "is +described to the eye without the concurrence of this operation. If two +notes, one very high and the other very low, be joined by a series of +intermediate ones, I see at the first glance the progress from one to the +other by conjoined degrees; but in your system, to perceive this series, +I must necessarily run over your ciphers one after the other; the glance +of the eye is here useless." The objection appeared to me +insurmountable, and I instantly assented to it. Although it be simple +and striking, nothing can suggest it but great knowledge and practice of +the art, and it is by no means astonishing that not one of the +academicians should have thought of it. But what creates much surprise +is, that these men of great learning, and who are supposed to possess so +much knowledge, should so little know that each ought to confine his +judgment to that which relates to the study with which he has been +conversant. + +My frequent visits to the literati appointed to examine my system and the +other academicians gave me an opportunity of becoming acquainted with the +most distinguished men of letters in Paris, and by this means the +acquaintance that would have been the consequence of my sudden admission +amongst them, which afterwards came to pass, was already established. +With respect to the present moment, absorbed in my new system of music, +I obstinately adhered to my intention of effecting a revolution in the +art, and by that means of acquiring a celebrity which, in the fine arts, +is in Paris mostly accompanied by fortune. I shut myself in my chamber +and labored three or four months with inexpressible ardor, in forming +into a work for the public eye, the memoir I had read before the academy. +The difficulty was to find a bookseller to take my manuscript; and this +on account of the necessary expenses for new characters, and because +booksellers give not their money by handfuls to young authors; although +to me it seemed but just my work should render me the bread I had eaten +while employed in its composition. + +Bonnefond introduced me to Quillau the father, with whom I agreed to +divide the profits, without reckoning the privilege, of which I paid the +whole expense. Such were the future proceedings of this Quillau that I +lost the expenses of my privilege, never having received a farthing from +that edition; which, probably, had but very middling success, although +the Abbe des Fontaines promised to give it celebrity, and, +notwithstanding the other journalists, had spoken of it very favorably. + +The greatest obstacle to making the experiment of my system was the fear, +in case of its not being received, of losing the time necessary to learn +it. To this I answered, that my notes rendered the ideas so clear, that +to learn music by means of the ordinary characters, time would be gained +by beginning with mine. To prove this by experience, I taught music +gratis to a young American lady, Mademoiselle des Roulins, with whom M. +Roguin had brought me acquainted. In three months she read every kind of +music, by means of my notation, and sung at sight better than I did +myself, any piece that was not too difficult. This success was +convincing, but not known; any other person would have filled the +journals with the detail, but with some talents for discovering useful +things, I never have possessed that of setting them off to advantage. + +Thus was my airy castle again overthrown; but this time I was thirty +years of age, and in Paris, where it is impossible to live for a trifle. +The resolution I took upon this occasion will astonish none but those by +whom the first part of these memoirs has not been read with attention. +I had just made great and fruitless efforts, and was in need of +relaxation. Instead of sinking with despair I gave myself up quietly to +my indolence and to the care of Providence; and the better to wait for +its assistance with patience, I lay down a frugal plan for the slow +expenditure of a few louis, which still remained in my possession, +regulating the expense of my supine pleasures without retrenching it; +going to the coffee-house but every other day, and to the theatre but +twice a week. With respect to the expenses of girls of easy virtue, I +had no retrenchment to make; never having in the whole course of my life +applied so much as a farthing to that use except once, of which I shall +soon have occasion to speak. The security, voluptuousness, and +confidence with which I gave myself up to this indolent and solitary +life, which I had not the means of continuing for three months, is one of +the singularities of my life, and the oddities of my disposition. The +extreme desire I had, the public should think of me was precisely what +discouraged me from showing myself; and the necessity of paying visits +rendered them to such a degree insupportable, that I ceased visiting the +academicians and other men of letters, with whom I had cultivated an +acquaintance. Marivaux, the Abbe Malby, and Fontenelle, were almost the +only persons whom I sometimes went to see. To the first I showed my +comedy of Narcissus. He was pleased with it, and had the goodness to +make in it some improvements. Diderot, younger than these, was much +about my own age. He was fond of music, and knew it theoretically; we +conversed together, and he communicated to me some of his literary +projects. This soon formed betwixt us a more intimate connection, which +lasted fifteen years, and which probably would still exist were not I, +unfortunately, and by his own fault, of the same profession with himself. + +It would be impossible to imagine in what manner I employed this short +and precious interval which still remained to me, before circumstances +forced me to beg my bread:--in learning by memory passages from the poets +which I had learned and forgotten a hundred times. Every morning at ten +o'clock, I went to walk in the Luxembourg with a Virgil and a Rousseau in +my pocket, and there, until the hour of dinner, I passed away the time in +restoring to my memory a sacred ode or a bucolic, without being +discouraged by forgetting, by the study of the morning, what I had +learned the evening before. I recollected that after the defeat of +Nicias at Syracuse the captive Athenians obtained a livelihood by +reciting the poems of Homer. The use I made of this erudition to ward +off misery was to exercise my happy memory by learning all the poets by +rote. + +I had another expedient, not less solid, in the game of chess, to which I +regularly dedicated, at Maugis, the evenings on which I did not go to the +theatre. I became acquainted with M. de Legal, M. Husson, Philidor, and +all the great chess players of the day, without making the least +improvement in the game. However, I had no doubt but, in the end, I +should become superior to them all, and this, in my own opinion, was a +sufficient resource. The same manner of reasoning served me in every +folly to which I felt myself inclined. I said to myself: whoever excels +in anything is sure to acquire a distinguished reception in society. Let +us therefore excel, no matter in what, I shall certainly be sought after; +opportunities will present themselves, and my own merit will do the rest. +This childishness was not the sophism of my reason; it was that of my +indolence. Dismayed at the great and rapid efforts which would have been +necessary to call forth my endeavors, I strove to flatter my idleness, +and by arguments suitable to the purpose, veiled from my own eyes the +shame of such a state. + +I thus calmly waited for the moment when I was to be without money; and +had not Father Castel, whom I sometimes went to see in my way to the +coffee-house, roused me from my lethargy, I believe I should have seen +myself reduced to my last farthing without the least emotion. Father +Castel was a madman, but a good man upon the whole; he was sorry to see +me thus impoverish myself to no purpose. "Since musicians and the +learned," said he, "do not sing by your scale, change the string, and +apply to the women. You will perhaps succeed better with them. I have +spoken of you to Madam de Beuzenval; go to her from me; she is a good +woman who will be glad to see the countryman of her son and husband. You +will find at her house Madam de Broglie, her daughter, who is a woman of +wit. Madam Dupin is another to whom I also have mentioned you; carry her +your work; she is desirous of seeing you, and will receive you well. No +thing is done in Paris without the women. They are the curves, of which +the wise are the asymptotes; they incessantly approach each other, but +never touch." + +After having from day to day delayed these very disagreeable steps, I at +length took courage, and called upon Madam de Beuzenval. She received me +with kindness; and Madam de Broglio entering the chamber, she said to +her: "Daughter, this is M. Rousseau, of whom Father Castel has spoken to +us." Madam de Broglie complimented me upon my work, and going to her +harpsichord proved to me she had already given it some attention. +Perceiving it to be about one o'clock, I prepared to take my leave. +Madam de Beuzenval said to me: "You are at a great distance from the +quarter of the town in which you reside; stay and dine here." I did not +want asking a second time. A quarter of an hour afterwards, +I understood, by a word, that the dinner to which she had invited me was +that of her servants' hall. Madam de Beuzenval was a very good kind of +woman, but of a confined understanding, and too full of her illustrious +Polish nobility: she had no idea of the respect due to talents. On this +occasion, likewise, she judged me by my manner rather than by my dress, +which, although very plain, was very neat, and by no means announced a +man to dine with servants. I had too long forgotten the way to the place +where they eat to be inclined to take it again. Without suffering my +anger to appear, I told Madam de Beuzenval that I had an affair of a +trifling nature which I had just recollected obliged me to return home, +and I immediately prepared to depart. Madam de Broglie approached her +mother, and whispered in her ear a few words which had their effect. +Madam de Beuzenval rose to prevent me from going, and said, "I expect +that you will do us the honor to dine with us." In this case I thought +to show pride would be a mark of folly, and I determined to stay. The +goodness of Madam de Broglie had besides made an impression upon me, and +rendered her interesting in my eyes. I was very glad to dine with her, +and hoped, that when she knew me better, she would not regret having +procured me that honor. The President de Lamoignon, very intimate in the +family, dined there also. He, as well as Madam de Broglie, was a master +of all the modish and fashionable small talk jargon of Paris. Poor Jean +Jacques was unable to make a figure in this way. I had sense enough not +to pretend to it, and was silent. Happy would it have been for me, had I +always possessed the same wisdom; I should not be in the abyss into which +I am now fallen. I was vexed at my own stupidity, and at being unable to +justify to Madam de Broglie what she had done in my favor. + +After dinner I thought of my ordinary resource. I had in my pocket an +epistle in verse, written to Parisot during my residence at Lyons. This +fragment was not without some fire, which I increased by my manner of +reading, and made them all three shed tears. Whether it was vanity, or +really the truth, I thought the eyes of Madam de Broglie seemed to say to +her mother: "Well, mamma, was I wrong in telling you this man was fitter +to dine with us than with your women?" Until then my heart had been +rather burdened, but after this revenge I felt myself satisfied. Madam +de Broglie, carrying her favorable opinion of me rather too far, thought +I should immediately acquire fame in Paris, and become a favorite with +fine ladies. To guide my inexperience she gave me the confessions of the +Count de -----." This book," said she, "is a Mentor, of which you will +stand in need in the great world. You will do well by sometimes +consulting it." I kept the book upwards of twenty years with a sentiment +of gratitude to her from whose hand I had received it, although I +frequently laughed at the opinion the lady seemed to have of my merit in +gallantry. From the moment I had read the work, I was desirous of +acquiring the friendship of the author. My inclination led me right; he +is the only real friend I ever possessed amongst men of letters. + + [I have so long been of the same opinion, and so perfectly convinced + of its being well founded, that since my return to Paris I confided + to him the manuscript of my confessions. The suspicious J. J. + never suspected perfidy and falsehood until he had been their + victim.] + +From this time I thought I might depend on the services of Madam the +Baroness of Beuzenval, and the Marchioness of Broglie, and that they +would not long leave me without resource. In this I was not deceived. +But I must now speak of my first visit to Madam Dupin, which produced +more lasting consequences. + +Madam Dupin was, as every one in Paris knows, the daughter of Samuel +Bernard and Madam Fontaine. There were three sisters, who might be +called the three graces. Madam de la Touche who played a little prank, +and went to England with the Duke of Kingston. Madam Darby, the eldest +of the three; the friend, the only sincere friend of the Prince of Conti; +an adorable woman, as well by her sweetness and the goodness of her +charming character, as by her agreeable wit and incessant cheerfulness. +Lastly, Madam Dupin, more beautiful than either of her sisters, and the +only one who has not been reproached with some levity of conduct. + +She was the reward of the hospitality of M. Dupin, to whom her mother +gave her in marriage with the place of farmer general and an immense +fortune, in return for the good reception he had given her in his +province. When I saw her for the first time, she was still one of the +finest women in Paris. She received me at her toilette, her arms were +uncovered, her hair dishevelled, and her combing-cloth ill-arranged. +This scene was new to me; it was too powerful for my poor head, I became +confused, my senses wandered; in short, I was violently smitten by Madam +Dupin. + +My confusion was not prejudicial to me; she did not perceive it. She +kindly received the book and the author; spoke with information of my +plan, sung, accompanied herself on the harpsichord, kept me to dinner, +and placed me at table by her side. Less than this would have turned my +brain; I became mad. She permitted me to visit her, and I abused the +permission. I went to see her almost every day, and dined with her twice +or thrice a week. I burned with inclination to speak, but never dared +attempt it. Several circumstances increased my natural timidity. +Permission to visit in an opulent family was a door open to fortune, and +in my situation I was unwilling to run the risk of shutting it against +myself. + +Madam Dupin, amiable as she was, was serious and unanimated; I found +nothing in her manners sufficiently alluring to embolden me. Her house, +at that time, as brilliant as any other in Paris, was frequented by +societies the less numerous, as the persons by whom they were composed +were chosen on account of some distinguished merit. She was fond of +seeing every one who had claims to a marked superiority; the great men of +letters, and fine women. No person was seen in her circle but dukes, +ambassadors, and blue ribbons. The Princess of Rohan, the Countess of +Forcalquier, Madam de Mirepoix, Madam de Brignole, and Lady Hervey, +passed for her intimate friends. The Abbes de Fontenelle, de Saint +Pierre, and Saltier, M. de Fourmont, M. de Berms, M. de Buffon, and M. de +Voltaire, were of her circle and her dinners. If her reserved manner did +not attract many young people, her society inspired the greater awe, as +it was composed of graver persons, and the poor Jean-Jacques had no +reason to flatter himself he should be able to take a distinguished part +in the midst of such superior talents. I therefore had not courage to +speak; but no longer able to contain myself, I took a resolution to +write. For the first two days she said not a word to me upon the +subject. On the third day, she returned me my letter, accompanying it +with a few exhortations which froze my blood. I attempted to speak, but +my words expired upon my lips; my sudden passion was extinguished with my +hopes, and after a declaration in form I continued to live with her upon +the same terms as before, without so much as speaking to her even by the +language of the eyes. + +I thought my folly was forgotten, but I was deceived. M. de Francueil, +son to M. Dupin, and son-in-law to Madam Dupin, was much the same with +herself and me. He had wit, a good person, and might have pretensions. +This was said to be the case, and probably proceeded from his mother-in- +law's having given him an ugly wife of a mild disposition, with whom, as +well as with her husband, she lived upon the best of terms. M. de +Francueil was fond of talents in others, and cultivated those he +possessed. Music, which he understood very well, was a means of +producing a connection between us. I frequently saw him, and he soon +gained my friendship. He, however, suddenly gave me to understand that +Madam Dupin thought my visits too frequent, and begged me to discontinue +them. Such a compliment would have been proper when she returned my +letter; but eight or ten days afterwards, and without any new cause, it +appeared to me ill-timed. This rendered my situation the more singular, +as M. and Madam de Francueil still continued to give me the same good +reception as before. + +I however made the intervals between my visits longer, and I should +entirely have ceased calling on them, had not Madam Dupin, by another +unexpected caprice, sent to desire I would for a few days take care of +her son, who changing his preceptor, remained alone during that interval. +I passed eight days in such torments as nothing but the pleasure of +obeying Madam Dupin could render supportable: I would not have undertaken +to pass eight other days like them had Madam Dupin given me herself for +the recompense. + +M. de Francueil conceived a friendship for me, and I studied with him. +We began together a course of chemistry at Rouelles. That I might be +nearer at hand, I left my hotel at Quentin, and went to lodge at the +Tennis Court, Rue Verdelet, which leads into the Rue Platiere, where M. +Dupin lived. There, in consequence of a cold neglected, I contracted an +inflammation of the lungs that had liked to have carried me off. In my +younger days I frequently suffered from inflammatory disorders, +pleurisies, and especially quinsies, to which I was very subject, and +which frequently brought me near enough to death to familiarize me to its +image. + +During my convalescence I had leisure to reflect upon my situation, and +to lament my timidity, weakness and indolence; these, notwithstanding the +fire with which I found myself inflamed, left me to languish in an +inactivity of mind, continually on the verge of misery. The evening +preceding the day on which I was taken ill, I went to an opera by Royer; +the name I have forgotten. Notwithstanding my prejudice in favor of the +talents of others, which has ever made me distrustful of my own, I still +thought the music feeble, and devoid of animation and invention. I +sometimes had the vanity to flatter myself: I think I could do better +than that. But the terrible idea I had formed of the composition of an +opera, and the importance I heard men of the profession affix to such an +undertaking, instantly discouraged me, and made me blush at having so +much as thought of it. Besides, where was I to find a person to write +the words, and one who would give himself the trouble of turning the +poetry to my liking? These ideas of music and the opera had possession +of my mind during my illness, and in the delirium of my fever I composed +songs, duets, and choruses. I am certain I composed two or three little +pieces, 'di prima infenzione', perhaps worthy of the admiration of +masters, could they have heard them executed. Oh, could an account be +taken of the dreams of a man in a fever, what great and sublime things +would sometimes proceed from his delirium! + +These subjects of music and opera still engaged my attention during my +convalescence, but my ideas were less energetic. Long and frequent +meditations, and which were often involuntary, and made such an +impression upon my mind that I resolved to attempt both words and music. +This was not the first time I had undertaken so difficult a task. Whilst +I was at Chambery I had composed an opera entitled 'Iphis and Anaxarete', +which I had the good sense to throw into the fire. At Lyons I had +composed another, entitled 'La Decouverte du Nouveau Monde', which, after +having read it to M. Bordes, the Abbes Malby, Trublet, and others, had +met the same fate, notwithstanding I had set the prologue and the first +act to music, and although David, after examining the composition, had +told me there were passages in it worthy of Buononcini. + +Before I began the work I took time to consider of my plan. In a heroic +ballet I proposed three different subjects, in three acts, detached from +each other, set to music of a different character, taking for each +subject the amours of a poet. I entitled this opera Les Muses Galantes. +My first act, in music strongly characterized, was Tasso; the second in +tender harmony, Ovid; and the third, entitled Anacreon, was to partake of +the gayety of the dithyrambus. I tried my skill on the first act, and +applied to it with an ardor which, for the first time, made me feel the +delightful sensation produced by the creative power of composition. One +evening, as I entered the opera, feeling myself strongly incited and +overpowered by my ideas, I put my money again into my pocket, returned to +my apartment, locked the door, and, having close drawn all the curtains, +that every ray of light might be excluded, I went to bed, abandoning +myself entirely to this musical and poetical 'oestrum', and in seven or +eight hours rapidly composed the greatest part of an act. I can truly +say my love for the Princess of Ferrara (for I was Tasso for the moment) +and my noble and lofty sentiment with respect to her unjust brother, +procured me a night a hundred times more delicious than one passed in the +arms of the princess would have been. In the morning but a very little +of what I had done remained in my head, but this little, almost effaced +by sleep and lassitude, still sufficiently evinced the energy of the +pieces of which it was the scattered remains. + +I this time did, not proceed far with my undertaking, being interrupted +by other affairs. Whilst I attached myself to the family of Dupin, Madam +de Beuzenval and Madam de Broglie, whom I continued to visit, had not +forgotten me. The Count de Montaigu, captain in the guards, had just +been appointed ambassador to Venice. He was an ambassador made by +Barjac, to whom he assiduously paid his court. His brother, the +Chevalier de Montaigu, 'gentilhomme de la manche' to the dauphin, was +acquainted with these ladies, and with the Abbe Alary of the French +academy, whom I sometimes visited. Madam de Broglie having heard the +ambassador was seeking a secretary, proposed me to him. A conference was +opened between us. I asked a salary of fifty guineas, a trifle for an +employment which required me to make some appearance. The ambassador was +unwilling to give more than a thousand livres, leaving me to make the +journey at my own expense. The proposal was ridiculous. We could not +agree, and M. de Francueil, who used all his efforts to prevent my +departure, prevailed. + +I stayed, and M. de Montaigu set out on his journey, taking with him +another secretary, one M. Follau, who had been recommended to him by the +office of foreign affairs. They no sooner arrived at Venice than they +quarrelled. Bollau perceiving he had to do with a madman, left him +there, and M. de Montaigu having nobody with him, except a young abbe of +the name of Binis, who wrote under the secretary, and was unfit to +succeed him, had recourse to me. The chevalier, his brother, a man of +wit, by giving me to understand there were advantages annexed to the +place of secretary, prevailed upon me to accept the thousand livres. +I was paid twenty louis in advance for my journey, and immediately +departed. + +At Lyons I would most willingly have taken the road to Mount Cenis, to +see my poor mamma. But I went down the Rhone, and embarked at Toulon, as +well on account of the war, and from a motive of economy, as to obtain a +passport from M. de Mirepoix, who then commanded in Provence, and to whom +I was recommended. M. de Montaigu not being able to do without me, wrote +letter after letter, desiring I would hasten my journey; this, however, +an accident considerably prolonged. + +It was at the time of the plague at Messina, and the English fleet had +anchored there, and visited the Felucca, on board of which I was, and +this circumstance subjected us, on our arrival, after a long and +difficult voyage, to a quarantine of one--and--twenty days. + +The passengers had the choice of performing it on board or in the +Lazaretto, which we were told was not yet furnished. They all chose the +Felucca. The insupportable heat, the closeness of the vessel, the +impossibility of walking in it, and the vermin with which it swarmed, +made me at all risks prefer the Lazaretto. I was therefore conducted to +a large building of two stories, quite empty, in which I found neither +window, bed, table, nor chair, not so much as even a joint-stool or +bundle of straw. My night sack and my two trunks being brought me, I was +shut in by great doors with huge locks, and remained at full liberty to +walk at my ease from chamber to chamber and story to story, everywhere +finding the same solitude and nakedness. + +This, however, did not induce me to repent that I had preferred the +Lazaretto to the Felucca; and, like another Robinson Crusoe, I began to +arrange myself for my one-and twenty days, just as I should have done for +my whole life. In the first place, I had the amusement of destroying the +vermin I had caught in the Felucca. As soon as I had got clear of these, +by means of changing my clothes and linen, I proceeded to furnish the +chamber I had chosen. I made a good mattress with my waistcoats and +shirts; my napkins I converted, by sewing them together, into sheets; my +robe de chambre into a counterpane; and my cloak into a pillow. I made +myself a seat with one of my trunks laid flat, and a table with the +other. I took out some writing paper and an inkstand, and distributed, +in the manner of a library, a dozen books which I had with me. In a +word, I so well arranged my few movables, that except curtains and +windows, I was almost as commodiously lodged in this Lazeretto, +absolutely empty as it was, as I had been at the Tennis Court in the Rue +Verdelet. My dinners were served with no small degree of pomp; they were +escorted by two grenadiers with bayonets fixed; the staircase was my +dining--room, the landing-place my table, and the steps served me for a +seat; and as soon as my dinner was served up a little bell was rung to +inform me I might sit down to table. + +Between my repasts, when I did not either read or write or work at the +furnishing of my apartment, I went to walk in the burying-ground of the +Protestants, which served me as a courtyard. From this place I ascended +to a lanthorn which looked into the harbor, and from which I could see +the ships come in and go out. In this manner I passed fourteen days, and +should have thus passed the whole time of the quarantine without the +least weariness had not M. Joinville, envoy from France, to whom I found +means to send a letter, vinegared, perfumed, and half burnt, procured +eight days of the time to be taken off: these I went and spent at his +house, where I confess I found myself better lodged than in the +Lazaretto. He was extremely civil to me. Dupont, his secretary, was a +good creature: he introduced me, as well at Genoa as in the country, to +several families, the company of which I found very entertaining and +agreeable; and I formed with him an acquaintance and a correspondence +which we kept up for a considerable length of time. I continued my +journey, very agreeably, through Lombardy. I saw Milan, Verona, Brescie, +and Padua, and at length arrived at Venice, where I was impatiently +expected by the ambassador. + +I found there piles of despatches, from the court and from other +ambassadors, the ciphered part of which he had not been able to read, +although he had all the ciphers necessary for that purpose, never having +been employed in any office, nor even seen the cipher of a minister. I +was at first apprehensive of meeting with some embarrassment; but I found +nothing could be more easy, and in less than a week I had deciphered the +whole, which certainly was not worth the trouble; for not to mention the +little activity required in the embassy of Venice, it was not to such a +man as M. de Montaigu that government would confide a negotiation of even +the most trifling importance. Until my arrival he had been much +embarrassed, neither knowing how to dictate nor to write legibly. I was +very useful to him, of which he was sensible; and he treated me well. To +this he was also induced by another motive. Since the time of M. de +Froulay, his predecessor, whose head became deranged, the consul from +France, M. le Blond, had been charged with the affairs of the embassy, +and after the arrival of M. de Montaigu, continued to manage them until +he had put him into the track. M. de Montaigu, hurt at this discharge of +his duty by another, although he himself was incapable of it, became +disgusted with the consul, and as soon as I arrived deprived him of the +functions of secretary to the embassy to give them to me. They were +inseparable from the title, and he told me to take it. As long as I +remained with him he never sent any person except myself under this title +to the senate, or to conference, and upon the whole it was natural enough +he should prefer having for secretary to the embassy a man attached to +him, to a consul or a clerk of office named by the court. + +This rendered my situation very agreeable, and prevented his gentlemen, +who were Italians, as well as his pages, and most of his suite from +disputing precedence with me in his house. I made an advantageous use of +the authority annexed to the title he had conferred upon me, by +maintaining his right of protection, that is, the freedom of his +neighborhood, against the attempts several times made to infringe it; +a privilege which his Venetian officers took no care to defend. +But I never permitted banditti to take refuge there, although this would +have produced me advantages of which his excellency would not have +disdained to partake. He thought proper, however, to claim a part of +those of the secretaryship, which is called the chancery. It was in time +of war, and there were many passports issued. For each of these +passports a sequin was paid to the secretary who made it out and +countersigned it. All my predecessors had been paid this sequin by +Frenchmen and others without distinction. I thought this unjust, and +although I was not a Frenchman, I abolished it in favor of the French; +but I so rigorously demanded my right from persons of every other nation, +that the Marquis de Scotti, brother to the favorite of the Queen of +Spain, having asked for a passport without taking notice of the sequin: I +sent to demand it; a boldness which the vindictive Italian did not +forget. As soon as the new regulation I had made, relative to passports, +was known, none but pretended Frenchmen, who in a gibberish the most +mispronounced, called themselves Provencals, Picards, or Burgundians, +came to demand them. My ear being very fine, I was not thus made a dupe, +and I am almost persuaded that not a single Italian ever cheated me of my +sequin, and that not one Frenchman ever paid it. I was foolish enough to +tell M. de Montaigu, who was ignorant of everything that passed, what I +had done. The word sequin made him open his ears, and without giving me +his opinion of the abolition of that tax upon the French, he pretended I +ought to account with him for the others, promising me at the same time +equivalent advantages. More filled with indignation at this meanness, +than concern for my own interest, I rejected his proposal. He insisted, +and I grew warm. "No, sir," said I, with some heat, "your excellency may +keep what belongs to you, but do not take from me that which is mine; I +will not suffer you to touch a penny of the perquisites arising from +passports." Perceiving he could gain nothing by these means he had +recourse to others, and blushed not to tell me that since I had +appropriated to myself the profits of the chancery, it was but just I +should pay the expenses. I was unwilling to dispute upon this subject, +and from that time I furnished at my own expense, ink, paper, wax, wax- +candle, tape, and even a new seal, for which he never reimbursed me to +the amount of a farthing. This, however, did not prevent my giving a +small part of the produce of the passports to the Abbe de Binis, a good +creature, and who was far from pretending to have the least right to any +such thing. If he was obliging to me my politeness to him was an +equivalent, and we always lived together on the best of terms. + +On the first trial I made of his talents in my official functions, +I found him less troublesome than I expected he would have been, +considering he was a man without experience, in the service of an +ambassador who possessed no more than himself, and whose ignorance and +obstinacy constantly counteracted everything with which common-sense and +some information inspired me for his service and that of the king. The +next thing the ambassador did was to connect himself with the Marquis +Mari, ambassador from Spain, an ingenious and artful man, who, had he +wished so to do, might have led him by the nose, yet on account of the +union of the interests of the two crowns he generally gave him good +advice, which might have been of essential service, had not the other, by +joining his own opinion, counteracted it in the execution. The only +business they had to conduct in concert with each other was to engage the +Venetians to maintain their neutrality. These did not neglect to give +the strongest assurances of their fidelity to their engagement at the +same time that they publicly furnished ammunition to the Austrian troops, +and even recruits under pretense of desertion. M. de Montaigu, who I +believe wished to render himself agreeable to the republic, failed not on +his part, notwithstanding my representation to make me assure the +government in all my despatches, that the Venetians would never violate +an article of the neutrality. The obstinacy and stupidity of this poor +wretch made me write and act extravagantly: I was obliged to be the agent +of his folly, because he would have it so, but he sometimes rendered my +employment insupportable and the functions of it almost impracticable. +For example, he insisted on the greatest part of his despatches to the +king, and of those to the minister, being written in cipher, although +neither of them contained anything that required that precaution. I +represented to him that between the Friday, the day the despatches from +the court arrived, and Saturday, on which ours were sent off, there was +not sufficient time to write so much in cipher, and carry on the +considerable correspondence with which I was charged for the same +courier. He found an admirable expedient, which was to prepare on +Thursday the answer to the despatches we were expected to receive on the +next day. This appeared to him so happily imagined, that notwithstanding +all I could say on the impossibility of the thing, and the absurdity of +attempting its execution, I was obliged to comply during the whole time I +afterwards remained with him, after having made notes of the few loose +words he spoke to me in the course of the week, and of some trivial +circumstances which I collected by hurrying from place to place. +Provided with these materials I never once failed carrying to him on the +Thursday morning a rough draft of the despatches which were to be sent +off on Saturday, excepting the few additions and corrections I hastily +made in answer to the letters which arrived on the Friday, and to which +ours served for answer. He had another custom, diverting enough and +which made his correspondence ridiculous beyond imagination. He sent +back all information to its respective source, instead of making it +follow its course. To M. Amelot he transmitted the news of the court; to +M. Maurepas, that of Paris; to M. d' Havrincourt, the news from Sweden; +to M. de Chetardie, that from Petersbourg; and sometimes to each of those +the news they had respectively sent to him, and which I was employed to +dress up in terms different from those in which it was conveyed to us. +As he read nothing of what I laid before him, except the despatches for +the court, and signed those to other ambassadors without reading them, +this left me more at liberty to give what turn I thought proper to the +latter, and in these therefore I made the articles of information cross +each other. But it was impossible for-me to do the same by despatches of +importance; and I thought myself happy when M. de Montaigu did not take +it into his head to cram into them an impromptu of a few lines after his +manner. This obliged me to return, and hastily transcribe the whole +despatch decorated with his new nonsense, and honor it with the cipher, +without which he would have refused his signature. I was frequently +almost tempted, for the sake of his reputation, to cipher something +different from what he had written, but feeling that nothing could +authorize such a deception, I left him to answer for his own folly, +satisfying myself with having spoken to him with freedom, and discharged +at my own peril the duties of my station. This is what I always did with +an uprightness, a zeal and courage, which merited on his part a very +different recompense from that which in the end I received from him. It +was time I should once be what Heaven, which had endowed me with a happy +disposition, what the education that had been given me by the best of +women, and that I had given myself, had prepared me for, and I became so. +Left to my own reflections, without a friend or advice, without +experience, and in a foreign country, in the service of a foreign nation, +surrounded by a crowd of knaves, who, for their own interest, and to +avoid the scandal of good example, endeavored to prevail upon me to +imitate them; far from yielding to their solicitations, I served France +well, to which I owed nothing, and the ambassador still better, as it was +right and just I should do to the utmost of my power. Irreproachable in +a post, sufficiently exposed to censure, I merited and obtained the +esteem of the republic, that of all the ambassadors with whom we were in +correspondence, and the affection of the French who resided at Venice, +not even excepting the consul, whom with regret I supplanted in the +functions which I knew belonged to him, and which occasioned me more +embarrassment than they afforded me satisfaction. + +M. de Montaigu, confiding without reserve to the Marquis Mari, who did +not thoroughly understand his duty, neglected it to such a degree that +without me the French who were at Venice would not have perceived that an +ambassador from their nation resided there. Always put off without being +heard when they stood in need of his protection, they became disgusted +and no longer appeared in his company or at his table, to which indeed he +never invited them. I frequently did from myself what it was his duty to +have done; I rendered to the French, who applied to me, all the services +in my power. In any other country I should have done more, but, on +account of my employment, not being able to see persons in place, I was +often obliged to apply to the consul, and the consul, who was settled in +the country with his family, had many persons to oblige, which prevented +him from acting as he otherwise would have done. However, perceiving him +unwilling and afraid to speak, I ventured hazardous measures, which +sometimes succeeded. I recollect one which still makes me laugh. No +person would suspect it was to me, the lovers of the theatre at Paris, +owe Coralline and her sister Camille, nothing however, can be more true. +Veronese, their father, had engaged himself with his children in the +Italian company, and after having received two thousand livres for the +expenses of his journey, instead of setting out for France, quietly +continued at Venice, and accepted an engagement in the theatre of Saint +Luke, to which Coralline, a child as she still was, drew great numbers of +people. The Duke de Greves, as first gentleman of the chamber, wrote to +the ambassador to claim the father and the daughter. M. de Montaigu when +he gave me the letter, confined his instructions to saying, 'voyez cela', +examine and pay attention to this. I went to M. Blond to beg he would +speak to the patrician, to whom the theatre belonged, and who, I believe, +was named Zustinian, that he might discharge Veronese, who had engaged in +the name of the king. Le Blond, to whom the commission was not very +agreeable, executed it badly. + +Zustinian answered vaguely, and Veronese was not discharged. I was +piqued at this. It was during the carnival, and having taken the bahute +and a mask, I set out for the palace Zustinian. Those who saw my gondola +arrive with the livery of the ambassador, were lost in astonishment. +Venice had never seen such a thing. I entered, and caused myself to be +announced by the name of 'Una Siora Masehera'. As soon as I was +introduced I took off my mask and told my name. The senator turned pale +and appeared stupefied with surprise. "Sir;" said I to him in Venetian, +"it is with much regret I importune your excellency with this visit; but +you have in your theatre of Saint Luke, a man of the name of Veronese, +who is engaged in the service of the king, and whom you have been +requested, but in vain, to give up: I come to claim him in the name of +his majesty." My short harangue was effectual. I had no sooner left the +palace than Zustinian ran to communicate the adventure to the state +inquisitors, by whom he was severely reprehended. Veronese was +discharged the same day. I sent him word that if he did not set off +within a week I would have him arrested. He did not wait for my giving +him this intimation a second time. + +On another occasion I relieved from difficulty solely by my own means, +and almost without the assistance of any other person, the captain of a +merchant-ship. This was one Captain Olivet, from Marseilles; the name of +the vessel I have forgotten. His men had quarreled with the Sclavonians +in the service of the republic, some violence had been committed, and the +vessel was under so severe an embargo that nobody except the master was +suffered to go on board or leave it without permission. He applied to +the ambassador, who would hear nothing he had to say. He afterwards went +to the consul, who told him it was not an affair of commerce, and that he +could not interfere in it. Not knowing what further steps to take he +applied to me. I told M. de Montaigu he ought to permit me to lay before +the senate a memoir on the subject. I do not recollect whether or not he +consented, or that I presented the memoir; but I perfectly remember that +if I did it was ineffectual, and the embargo still continuing, I took +another method, which succeeded. I inserted a relation of the affairs in +one of our letters to M. de Maurepas, though I had difficulty in +prevailing upon M. de Montaigne to suffer the article to pass. + +I knew that our despatches, although their contents were insignificant, +were opened at Venice. Of this I had a proof by finding the articles +they contained, verbatim in the gazette, a treachery of which I had in +vain attempted to prevail upon the ambassador to complain. My object in +speaking of the affair in the letter was to turn the curiosity of the +ministers of the republic to advantage, to inspire them with some +apprehensions, and to induce the state to release the vessel: for had it +been necessary to this effect to wait for an answer from the court, the +captain would have been ruined before it could have arrived. I did still +more, I went alongside the vessel to make inquiries of the ship's +company. I took with me the Abbe Patizel, chancellor of the consulship, +who would rather have been excused, so much were these poor creatures +afraid of displeasing the Senate. As I could not go on board, on account +of the order from the states, I remained in my gondola, and there took +the depositions successively, interrogating each of the mariners, and +directing my questions in such a manner as to produce answers which might +be to their advantage. I wished to prevail upon Patizel to put the +questions and take depositions himself, which in fact was more his +business than mine; but to this he would not consent; he never once +opened his mouth and refused to sign the depositions after me. This +step, somewhat bold, was however, successful, and the vessel was released +long before an answer came from the minister. The captain wished to make +me a present; but without being angry with him on that account, I tapped +him on the shoulder, saying, "Captain Olivet, can you imagine that he who +does not receive from the French his perquisite for passports, which he +found his established right, is a man likely to sell them the king's +protection?" He, however, insisted on giving me a dinner on board his +vessel, which I accepted, and took with me the secretary to the Spanish +embassy, M. Carrio, a man of wit and amiable manners, to partake of it: +he has since been secretary to the Spanish embassy at Paris and charge +des affaires. I had formed an intimate connection with him after the +example of our ambassadors. + +Happy should I have been, if, when in the most disinterested manner I did +all the service I could, I had known how to introduce sufficient order +into all these little details, that I might not have served others at my +own expense. But in employments similar to that I held, in which the +most trifling faults are of consequence, my whole attention was engaged +in avoiding all such mistakes as might be detrimental to my service. I +conducted, till the last moment, everything relative to my immediate +duty, with the greatest order and exactness. Excepting a few errors +which a forced precipitation made me commit in ciphering, and of which +the clerks of M. Amelot once complained, neither the ambassador nor any +other person had ever the least reason to reproach me with negligence in +any one of my functions. This is remarkable in a man so negligent as I +am. But my memory sometimes failed me, and I was not sufficiently +careful in the private affairs with which I was charged; however, a love +of justice always made me take the loss on myself, and this voluntarily, +before anybody thought of complaining. I will mention but one +circumstance of this nature; it relates to my departure from Venice, and +I afterwards felt the effects of it in Paris. + +Our cook, whose name was Rousselot, had brought from France an old note +for two hundred livres, which a hairdresser, a friend of his, had +received from a noble Venetian of the name of Zanetto Nani, who had had +wigs of him to that amount. Rousselot brought me the note, begging I +would endeavor to obtain payment of some part of it, by way of +accommodation. I knew, and he knew it also, that the constant custom of +noble Venetians was, when once returned to their country, never to pay +the debts they had contracted abroad. When means are taken to force them +to payment, the wretched creditor finds so many delays, and incurs such +enormous expenses, that he becomes disgusted and concludes by giving up +his debtor accepting the most trifling composition. I begged M. le Blond +to speak to Zanetto. The Venetian acknowledged the note, but did not +agree to payment. After a long dispute he at length promised three +sequins; but when Le Blond carried him the note even these were not +ready, and it was necessary to wait. In this interval happened my +quarrel with the ambassador and I quitted his service. I had left the +papers of the embassy in the greatest order, but the note of Rousselot +was not to be found. M. le Blond assured me he had given it me back. I +knew him to be too honest a man to have the least doubt of the matter; +but it was impossible for me to recollect what I had done with it. As +Zanetto had acknowledged the debt, I desired M. le Blond to endeavor to +obtain from him the three sequins on giving him a receipt for the amount, +or to prevail upon him to renew the note by way of duplicate. Zanetto, +knowing the note to be lost, would not agree to either. I offered +Rousselot the three sequins from my own purse, as a discharge of the +debt. He refused them, and said I might settle the matter with the +creditor at Paris, of whom he gave me the address. The hair-dresser, +having been informed of what had passed, would either have his note or +the whole sum for which it was given. What, in my indignation, would I +have given to have found this vexatious paper! I paid the two hundred +livres, and that in my greatest distress. In this manner the loss of the +note produced to the creditor the payment of the whole sum, whereas had +it, unfortunately for him, been found, he would have had some difficulty +in recovering even the ten crowns, which his excellency, Zanetto Nani, +had promised to pay. + +The talents I thought I felt in myself for my employment made me +discharge the functions of it with satisfaction, and except the society +of my friend de Carrio, that of the virtuous Altuna, of whom I shall soon +have an occasion to speak, the innocent recreations of the place Saint +Mark, of the theatre, and of a few visits which we, for the most part, +made together, my only pleasure was in the duties of my station. +Although these were not considerable, especially with the aid of the Abbe +de Binis, yet as the correspondence was very extensive and there was a +war, I was a good deal employed. I applied to business the greatest part +of every morning, and on the days previous to the departure of the +courier, in the evenings, and sometimes till midnight. The rest of my +time I gave to the study of the political professions I had entered upon, +and in which I hoped, from my successful beginning, to be advantageously +employed. In fact I was in favor with every one; the ambassador himself +spoke highly of my services, and never complained of anything I did for +him; his dissatisfaction proceeded from my having insisted on quitting +him, inconsequence of the useless complaints I had frequently made on +several occasions. The ambassadors and ministers of the king with whom +we were in correspondence complimented him on the merit of his secretary, +in a manner by which he ought to have been flattered, but which in his +poor head produced quite a contrary effect. He received one in +particular relative to an affair of importance, for which he never +pardoned me. + +He was so incapable of bearing the least constraint, that on the +Saturday, the day of the despatches for most of the courts he could not +contain himself, and wait till the business was done before he went out, +and incessantly pressing me to hasten the despatches to the king and +ministers, he signed them with precipitation, and immediately went I know +not where, leaving most of the other letters without signing; this +obliged me, when these contained nothing but news, to convert them into +journals; but when affairs which related to the king were in question it +was necessary somebody should sign, and I did it. This once happened +relative to some important advice we had just received from M. Vincent, +charge des affaires from the king, at Vienna. The Prince Lobkowitz was +then marching to Naples, and Count Gages had just made the most memorable +retreat, the finest military manoeuvre of the whole century, of which +Europe has not sufficiently spoken. The despatch informed us that a man, +whose person M. Vincent described, had set out from Vienna, and was to +pass by Venice, in his way into Abruzzo, where he was secretly to stir up +the people at the approach of the Austrians. + +In the absence of M. le Comte de Montaigu, who did not give himself the +least concern about anything, I forwarded this advice to the Marquis de +l'Hopital, so apropos, that it is perhaps to the poor Jean Jacques, so +abused and laughed at, that the house of Bourbon owes the preservation of +the kingdom of Naples. + +The Marquis de l'Hopital, when he thanked his colleague, as it was proper +he should do, spoke to him of his secretary, and mentioned the service he +had just rendered to the common cause. The Comte de Montaigu, who in +that affair had to reproach himself with negligence, thought he perceived +in the compliment paid him by M. de l'Hopital, something like a reproach, +and spoke of it to me with signs of ill-humor. I found it necessary to +act in the same manner with the Count de Castellane, ambassador at +Constantinople, as I had done with the Marquis de l'Hopital, although in +things of less importance. As there was no other conveyance to +Constantinople than by couriers, sent from time to time by the senate to +its Bailli, advice of their departure was given to the ambassador of +France, that he might write by them to his colleague, if he thought +proper so to do. This advice was commonly sent a day or two beforehand; +but M. de Montaigu was held in so little respect, that merely for the +sake of form he was sent to, a couple of hours before the couriers set +off. This frequently obliged me to write the despatch in his absence. +M. de Castellane, in his answer made honorable mention of me; M. de +Jonville, at Genoa, did the same, and these instances of their regard and +esteem became new grievances. + +I acknowledge I did not neglect any opportunity of making myself known; +but I never sought one improperly, and in serving well I thought I had a +right to aspire to the natural return for essential services; the esteem +of those capable of judging of, and rewarding them. I will not say +whether or not my exactness in discharging the duties of my employment +was a just subject of complaint from the ambassador; but I cannot refrain +from declaring that it was the sole grievance he ever mentioned previous +to our separation. + +His house, which he had never put on a good footing, was constantly +filled with rabble; the French were ill-treated in it, and the ascendancy +was given to the Italians; of these even, the more honest part, they who +had long been in the service of the embassy, were indecently discharged, +his first gentleman in particular, whom he had taken from the Comte de +Froulay, and who, if I remember right, was called Comte de Peati, or +something very like that name. The second gentleman, chosen by M. de +Montaigu, was an outlaw highwayman from Mantua, called Dominic Vitali, to +whom the ambassador intrusted the care of his house, and who had by means +of flattery and sordid economy, obtained his confidence, and became his +favorite to the great prejudice of the few honest people he still had +about him, and of the secretary who was at their head. The countenance +of an upright man always gives inquietude to knaves. Nothing more was +necessary to make Vitali conceive a hatred against me: but for this +sentiment there was still another cause which rendered it more cruel. Of +this I must give an account, that I may be condemned if I am found in the +wrong. + +The ambassador had, according to custom, a box at each of the theaters. +Every day at dinner he named the theater to which it was his intention to +go: I chose after him, and the gentlemen disposed of the other boxes. +When I went out I took the key of the box I had chosen. One day, Vitali +not being in the way, I ordered the footman who attended on me, to bring +me the key to a house which I named to him. Vitali, instead of sending +the key, said he had disposed of it. I was the more enraged at this as +the footman delivered his message in public. In the evening Vitali +wished to make me some apology, to which however I would not listen. +"To--morrow, sir," said I to him, "you will come at such an hour and +apologize to me in the house where I received the affront, and in the +presence of the persons who were witnesses to it; or after to--morrow, +whatever may be the consequences, either you or I will leave the house." +This firmness intimidated him. He came to the house at the hour +appointed, and made me a public apology, with a meanness worthy of +himself. But he afterwards took his measures at leisure, and at the same +time that he cringed to me in public, he secretly acted in so vile a +manner, that although unable to prevail on the ambassador to give me my +dismission, he laid me under the necessity of resolving to leave him. + +A wretch like him, certainly, could not know me, but he knew enough of my +character to make it serviceable to his purposes. He knew I was mild to +an excess, and patient in bearing involuntary wrongs; but haughty and +impatient when insulted with premeditated offences; loving decency and +dignity in things in which these were requisite, and not more exact in +requiring the respect due to myself, than attentive in rendering that +which I owed to others. In this he undertook to disgust me, and in this +he succeeded. He turned the house upside down, and destroyed the order +and subordination I had endeavored to establish in it. A house without a +woman stands in need of rather a severe discipline to preserve that +modesty which is inseparable from dignity. He soon converted ours into a +place of filthy debauch and scandalous licentiousness, the haunt of +knaves and debauchees. He procured for second gentleman to his +excellency, in the place of him whom he got discharged, another pimp like +himself, who kept a house of ill--fame, at the Cross of Malta; and the +indecency of these two rascals was equalled by nothing but their +insolence. Except the bed-chamber of the ambassador, which, however, was +not in very good order, there was not a corner in the whole house +supportable to an modest man. + +As his excellency did not sup, the gentleman and myself had a private +table, at which the Abbe Binis and the pages also eat. In the most +paltry ale-house people are served with more cleanliness and decency, +have cleaner linen, and a table better supplied. We had but one little +and very filthy candle, pewter plates, and iron forks. + +I could have overlooked what passed in secret, but I was deprived of my +gondola. I was the only secretary to an ambassador, who was obliged to +hire one or go on foot, and the livery of his excellency no longer +accompanied me, except when I went to the senate. Besides, everything +which passed in the house was known in the city. All those who were in +the service of the other ambassadors loudly exclaimed; Dominic, the only +cause of all, exclaimed louder than anybody, well knowing the indecency +with which we were treated was more affecting to me than to any other +person. Though I was the only one in the house who said nothing of the +matter abroad, I complained loudly of it to the ambassador, as well as of +himself, who, secretly excited by the wretch, entirely devoted to his +will, daily made me suffer some new affront. Obliged to spend a good +deal to keep up a footing with those in the same situation with myself, +and to make are appearance proper to my employment, I could not touch a +farthing of my salary, and when I asked him for money, he spoke of his +esteem for me, and his confidence, as if either of these could have +filled my purse, and provided for everything. + +These two banditti at length quite turned the head of their master, who +naturally had not a good one, and ruined him by a continual traffic, and +by bargains, of which he was the dupe, whilst they persuaded him they +were greatly in his favor. They persuaded him to take upon the Brenta, a +Palazzo, at twice the rent it was worth, and divided the surplus with the +proprietor. The apartments were inlaid with mosaic, and ornamented with +columns and pilasters, in the taste of the country. M. de Montaigu, had +all these superbly masked by fir wainscoting, for no other reason than +because at Paris apartments were thus fitted up. It was for a similar +reason that he only, of all the ambassadors who were at Venice, took from +his pages their swords, and from his footmen their canes. Such was the +man, who, perhaps from the same motive took a dislike to me on account of +my serving him faithfully. + +I patiently endured his disdain, his brutality, and ill-treatment, as +long as, perceiving them accompanied by ill-humor, I thought they had in +them no portion of hatred; but the moment I saw the design formed of +depriving me of the honor I merited by my faithful services, I resolved +to resign my employment. The first mark I received of his ill will was +relative to a dinner he was to give to the Duke of Modena and his family, +who were at Venice, and at which he signified to me I should not be +present. I answered, piqued, but not angry, that having the honor daily +to dine at his table, if the Duke of Modena, when he came, required I +should not appear at it, my duty as well as the dignity of his excellency +would not suffer me to consent to such a request. "How;" said he +passionately, "my secretary, who is not a gentleman, pretends to dine +with a sovereign when my gentlemen do not!" "Yes, sir," replied I, "the +post with which your excellency has honored me, as long as I discharge +the functions of it, so far ennobles me that my rank is superior to that +of your gentlemen or of the persons calling themselves such; and I am +admitted where they cannot appear. You cannot but know that on the day +on which you shall make your public entry, I am called to the ceremony by +etiquette; and by an immemorial custom, to follow you in a dress of +ceremony, and afterwards to dine with you at the palace of St. Mark; and +I know not why a man who has a right and is to eat in public with the +doge and the senate of Venice should not eat in private with the Duke of +Modena." Though this argument was unanswerable, it did not convince the +ambassador; but we had no occasion to renew the dispute, as the Duke of +Modena did not come to dine with him. + +From that moment he did everything in his power to make things +disagreeable to me; and endeavored unjustly to deprive me of my rights, +by taking from me the pecuniary advantages annexed to my employment, to +give them to his dear Vitali; and I am convinced that had he dared to +send him to the senate, in my place, he would have done it. He commonly +employed the Abbe Binis in his closet, to write his private letters: he +made use of him to write to M. de Maurepas an account of the affair of +Captain Olivet, in which, far from taking the least notice of me, the +only person who gave himself any concern about the matter, he deprived me +of the honor of the depositions, of which he sent him a duplicate, for +the purpose of attributing them to Patizel, who had not opened his mouth. +He wished to mortify me, and please his favorite; but had no desire to +dismiss me his service. He perceived it would be more difficult to find +me a successor, than M. Follau, who had already made him known to the +world. An Italian secretary was absolutely necessary to him, on account +of the answers from the senate; one who could write all his despatches, +and conduct his affairs, without his giving himself the least trouble +about anything; a person who, to the merit of serving him well, could +join the baseness of being the toad-eater of his gentlemen, without +honor, merit, or principles. He wished to retain, and humble me, by +keeping me far from my country, and his own, without money to return to +either, and in which he would, perhaps, had succeeded, had he began with +more moderation: but Vitali, who had other views, and wished to force me +to extremities, carried his point. The moment I perceived, I lost all my +trouble, that the ambassador imputed to me my services as so many crimes, +instead of being satisfied with them; that with him I had nothing to +expect, but things disagreeable at home, and injustice abroad; and that, +in the general disesteem into which he was fallen, his ill offices might +be prejudicial to me, without the possibility of my being served by his +good ones; I took my resolution, and asked him for my dismission, leaving +him sufficient time to provide himself with another secretary. Without +answering yes or no, he continued to treat me in the same manner, as if +nothing had been said. Perceiving things to remain in the same state, +and that he took no measures to procure himself a new secretary, I wrote +to his brother, and, explaining to him my motives, begged he would obtain +my dismission from his excellency, adding that whether I received it or +not, I could not possibly remain with him. I waited a long time without +any answer, and began to be embarrassed: but at length the ambassador +received a letter from his brother, which must have remonstrated with him +in very plain terms; for although he was extremely subject to ferocious +rage, I never saw him so violent as on this occasion. After torrents of +unsufferable reproaches, not knowing what more to say, he accused me of +having sold his ciphers. I burst into a loud laughter, and asked him, in +a sneering manner, if he thought there was in Venice a man who would be +fool enough to give half a crown for them all. He threatened to call his +servants to throw me out of the window. Until then I had been very +composed; but on this threat, anger and indignation seized me in my turn. +I sprang to the door, and after having turned a button which fastened it +within: "No, count," said I, returning to him with a grave step, "Your +servants shall have nothing to do with this affair; please to let it be +settled between ourselves." My action and manner instantly made him +calm; fear and surprise were marked in his countenance. The moment I saw +his fury abated, I bid him adieu in a very few words, and without waiting +for his answer, went to the door, opened it, and passed slowly across the +antechamber, through the midst of his people, who rose according to +custom, and who, I am of opinion, would rather have lent their assistance +against him than me. Without going back to my apartment, I descended the +stairs, and immediately went out of the palace never more to enter it. + +I hastened immediately to M. le Blond and related to him what had +happened. Knowing the man, he was but little surprised. He kept me to +dinner. This dinner, although without preparation, was splendid. +All the French of consequence who were at Venice, partook of it. +The ambassador had not a single person. The consul related my case to +the company. The cry was general, and by no means in favor of his +excellency. He had not settled my account, nor paid me a farthing, +and being reduced to the few louis I had in my pocket, I was extremely +embarrassed about my return to France. Every purse was opened to me. +I took twenty sequins from that of M. le Blond, and as many from that of +M. St. Cyr, with whom, next to M. le Blond, I was the most intimately +connected. I returned thanks to the rest; and, till my departure, went +to lodge at the house of the chancellor of the consulship, to prove to +the public, the nation was not an accomplice in the injustice of the +ambassador. + +His excellency, furious at seeing me taken notice of in my misfortune, at +the same time that, notwithstanding his being an ambassador, nobody went +near his house, quite lost his senses and behaved like a madman. He +forgot himself so far as to present a memoir to the senate to get me +arrested. On being informed of this by the Abbe de Binis, I resolved to +remain a fortnight longer, instead of setting off the next day as I had +intended. My conduct had been known and approved of by everybody; I was +universally esteemed. The senate did not deign to return an answer to +the extravagant memoir of the ambassador, but sent me word I might remain +in Venice as long as I thought proper, without making myself uneasy about +the attempts of a madman. I continued to see my friends: I went to take +leave of the ambassador from Spain, who received me well, and of the +Comte de Finochietti, minister from Naples, whom I did not find at home. +I wrote him a letter and received from his excellency the most polite and +obliging answer. At length I took my departure, leaving behind me, +notwithstanding my embarrassment, no other debts than the two sums I had +borrowed, and of which I have just spoken; and an account of fifty crowns +with a shopkeeper, of the name of Morandi, which Carrio promised to pay, +and which I have never reimbursed him, although we have frequently met +since that time; but with respect to the two sums of money, I returned +them very exactly the moment I had it in my power. + +I cannot take leave of Venice without saying something of the celebrated +amusements of that city, or at least of the little part of them of which +I partook during my residence there. It has been seen how little in my +youth I ran after the pleasures of that age, or those that are so called. +My inclinations did not change at Venice, but my occupations, which +moreover would have prevented this, rendered more agreeable to me the +simple recreations I permitted myself. The first and most pleasing of +all was the society of men of merit. M. le Blond, de St. Cyr, Carrio +Altuna, and a Forlinian gentleman, whose name I am very sorry to have +forgotten, and whom I never call to my recollection without emotion: he +was the man of all I ever knew whose heart most resembled my own. We +were connected with two or three Englishmen of great wit and information, +and, like ourselves, passionately fond of music. All these gentlemen had +their wives, female friends, or mistresses: the latter were most of them +women of talents, at whose apartments there were balls and concerts. +There was but little play; a lively turn, talents, and the theatres +rendered this amusement incipid. Play is the resource of none but men +whose time hangs heavy on their hands. I had brought with me from Paris +the prejudice of that city against Italian music; but I had also received +from nature a sensibility and niceness of distinction which prejudice +cannot withstand. I soon contracted that passion for Italian music with +which it inspires all those who are capable of feeling its excellence. +In listening to barcaroles, I found I had not yet known what singing was, +and I soon became so fond of the opera that, tired of babbling, eating, +and playing in the boxes when I wished to listen, I frequently withdrew +from the company to another part of the theater. There, quite alone, +shut up in my box, I abandoned myself, notwithstanding the length of the +representation, to the pleasure of enjoying it at ease unto the +conclusion. One evening at the theatre of Saint Chrysostom, I fell into +a more profound sleep than I should have done in my bed. The loud and +brilliant airs did not disturb my repose. But who can explain the +delicious sensations given me by the soft harmony of the angelic music, +by which I was charmed from sleep; what an awaking! what ravishment! +what ecstasy, when at the same instant I opened my ears and eyes! My +first idea was to believe I was in paradise. The ravishing air, which I +still recollect and shall never forget, began with these words: + + Conservami la bella, + Che si m'accende il cor. + +I was desirous of having it; I had and kept it for a time; but it was not +the same thing upon paper as in my head. The notes were the same but the +thing was different. This divine composition can never be executed but +in my mind, in the same manner as it was the evening on which it woke me +from sleep. + +A kind of music far superior, in my opinion, to that of operas, and which +in all Italy has not its equal, nor perhaps in the whole world, is that +of the 'scuole'. The 'scuole' are houses of charity, established for the +education of young girls without fortune, to whom the republic afterwards +gives a portion either in marriage or for the cloister. Amongst talents +cultivated in these young girls, music is in the first rank. Every +Sunday at the church of each of the four 'scuole', during vespers, +motettos or anthems with full choruses, accompanied by a great orchestra, +and composed and directed by the best masters in Italy, are sung in the +galleries by girls only; not one of whom is more than twenty years of +age. I have not an idea of anything so voluptuous and affecting as this +music; the richness of the art, the exquisite taste of the vocal part, +the excellence of the voices, the justness of the execution, everything +in these delightful concerts concurs to produce an impression which +certainly is not the mode, but from which I am of opinion no heart is +secure. Carrio and I never failed being present at these vespers of the +'Mendicanti', and we were not alone. The church was always full of the +lovers of the art, and even the actors of the opera came there to form +their tastes after these excellent models. What vexed me was the iron +grate, which suffered nothing to escape but sounds, and concealed from me +the angels of which they were worthy. I talked of nothing else. One day +I spoke of it at Le Blond's; "If you are so desirous," said he, "to see +those little girls, it will be an easy matter to satisfy your wishes. +I am one of the administrators of the house, I will give you a collation +with them." I did not let him rest until he had fulfilled his promise. +In entering the saloon, which contained these beauties I so much sighed +to see, I felt a trembling of love which I had never before experienced. +M. le Blond presented to me one after the other, these celebrated female +singers, of whom the names and voices were all with which I was +acquainted. Come, Sophia,--she was horrid. Come, Cattina, --she had +but one eye. Come, Bettina,--the small-pox had entirely disfigured her. +Scarcely one of them was without some striking defect. + +Le Blond laughed at my surprise; however, two or three of them appeared +tolerable; these never sung but in the choruses; I was almost in despair. +During the collation we endeavored to excite them, and they soon became +enlivened; ugliness does not exclude the graces, and I found they +possessed them. I said to myself, they cannot sing in this manner +without intelligence and sensibility, they must have both; in fine, +my manner of seeing them changed to such a degree that I left the house +almost in love with each of these ugly faces. I had scarcely courage +enough to return to vespers. But after having seen the girls, +the danger was lessened. I still found their singing delightful; +and their voices so much embellished their persons that, in spite of my +eyes, I obstinately continued to think them beautiful. + +Music in Italy is accompanied with so trifling an expense, that it is not +worth while for such as have a taste for it to deny themselves the +pleasure it affords. I hired a harpsichord, and, for half a crown, I had +at my apartment four or five symphonists, with whom I practised once a +week in executing such airs, etc., as had given me most pleasure at the +opera. I also had some symphonies performed from my 'Muses Galantes'. +Whether these pleased the performers, or the ballet-master of St. John +Chrysostom wished to flatter me, he desired to have two of them; and I +had afterwards the pleasure of hearing these executed by that admirable +orchestra. They were danced to by a little Bettina, pretty and amiable, +and kept by a Spaniard, M. Fagoaga, a friend of ours with whom we often +went to spend the evening. But apropos of girls of easy virtue: it is +not in Venice that a man abstains from them. Have you nothing to +confess, somebody will ask me, upon this subject? Yes: I have something +to say upon it, and I will proceed to the confession with the same +ingenuousness with which I have made my former ones. + +I always had a disinclination to girls of pleasure, but at Venice those +were all I had within my reach; most of the houses being shut against me +on account of my place. The daughters of M. le Blond were very amiable, +but difficult of access; and I had too much respect for the father and +mother ever once to have the least desire for them. + +I should have had a much stronger inclination to a young lady named +Mademoiselle de Cataneo, daughter to the agent from the King of Prussia, +but Carrio was in love with her there was even between them some question +of marriage. He was in easy circumstances, and I had no fortune: his +salary was a hundred louis (guineas) a year, and mine amounted to no more +than a thousand livres (about forty pounds sterling) and, besides my +being unwilling to oppose a friend, I knew that in all places, and +especially at Venice, with a purse so ill furnished as mine was, +gallantry was out of the question. I had not lost the pernicious custom +of deceiving my wants. Too busily employed forcibly to feel those +proceeding from the climate, I lived upwards of a year in that city as +chastely as I had done in Paris, and at the end of eighteen months I +quitted it without having approached the sex, except twice by means of +the singular opportunities of which I am going to speak. + +The first was procured me by that honest gentleman, Vitali, some time +after the formal apology I obliged him to make me. The conversation at +the table turned on the amusements of Venice. These gentlemen reproached +me with my indifference with regard to the most delightful of them all; +at the same time extolling the gracefulness and elegant manners of the +women of easy virtue of Venice; and adding that they were superior to all +others of the same description in any other part of the world. +"Dominic," said I, "(I)must make an acquaintance with the most amiable of +them all," he offered to take me to her apartments, and assured me I +should be pleased with her. I laughed at this obliging offer: and Count +Piati, a man in years and venerable, observed to me, with more candor +than I should have expected from an Italian, that he thought me too +prudent to suffer myself to be taken to such a place by my enemy. In +fact I had no inclination to do it: but notwithstanding this, by an +incoherence I cannot myself comprehend, I at length was prevailed upon to +go, contrary to my inclination, the sentiment of my heart, my reason, and +even my will; solely from weakness, and being ashamed to show an +appearance to the least mistrust; and besides, as the expression of the +country is, 'per non parer troppo cogliono'--[Not to appear too great a +blockhead.]--The 'Padoana' whom we went to visit was pretty, she was +even handsome, but her beauty was not of that kind that pleased me. +Dominic left me with her, I sent for Sorbetti, and asked her to sing. +In about half an hour I wished to take my leave, after having put a ducat +on the table, but this by a singular scruple she refused until she had +deserved it, and I from as singular a folly consented to remove her +doubts. I returned to the palace so fully persuaded that I should feel +the consequences of this step, that the first thing I did was to send for +the king's surgeon to ask him for ptisans. Nothing can equal the +uneasiness of mind I suffered for three weeks, without its being +justified by any real inconvenience or apparent sign. I could not +believe it was possible to withdraw with impunity from the arms of the +'padoana'. The surgeon himself had the greatest difficulty in removing +my apprehensions; nor could he do this by any other means than by +persuading me I was formed in such a manner as not to be easily infected: +and although in the experiment I exposed myself less than any other man +would have done, my health in that respect never having suffered the +least inconvenience, in my opinion a proof the surgeon was right. +However, this has never made me imprudent, and if in fact I have received +such an advantage from nature I can safely assert I have never abused it. + +My second adventure, although likewise with a common girl, was of a +nature very different, as well in its origin as in its effects; I have +already said that Captain Olivet gave me a dinner on board his vessel, +and that I took with me the secretary of the Spanish embassy. I expected +a salute of cannon. + +The ship's company was drawn up to receive us, but not so much as a +priming was burnt, at which I was mortified, on account of Carrio, whom I +perceived to be rather piqued at the neglect. A salute of cannon was +given on board merchant-ships to people of less consequence than we were; +I besides thought I deserved some distinguished mark of respect from the +captain. I could not conceal my thoughts, because this at all times was +impossible to me, and although the dinner was a very good one, and Olivet +did the honors of it perfectly well, I began it in an ill humor, eating +but little, and speaking still less. At the first health, at least, I +expected a volley; nothing. Carrio, who read what passed within, me, +laughed at hearing me grumble like a child. Before dinner was half over +I saw a gondola approach the vessel. "Bless me, sir," said the captain, +"take care of yourself, the enemy approaches." I asked him what he +meant, and he answered jocosely. The gondola made the ship's side, and I +observed a gay young damsel come on board very lightly, and coquettishly +dressed, and who at three steps was in the cabin, seated by my side, +before I had time to perceive a cover was laid for her. She was equally +charming and lively, a brunette, not more than twenty years of age. She +spoke nothing but Italian, and her accent alone was sufficient to turn my +head. As she eat and chattered she cast her eyes upon me; steadfastly +looked at me for a moment, and then exclaimed, "Good Virgin! Ah, my dear +Bremond, what an age it is since I saw thee!" Then she threw herself into +my arms, sealed her lips to mine, and pressed me almost to strangling. +Her large black eyes, like those of the beauties of the East, darted +fiery shafts into my heart, and although the surprise at first stupefied +my senses, voluptuousness made a rapid progress within, and this to such +a degree that the beautiful seducer herself was, notwithstanding the +spectators, obliged to restrain my ardor, for I was intoxicated, or +rather become furious. When she perceived she had made the impression +she desired, she became more moderate in her caresses, but not in her +vivacity, and when she thought proper to explain to us the real or false +cause of all her petulance, she said I resembled M. de Bremond, director +of the customs of Tuscany, to such a degree as to be mistaken for him; +that she had turned this M. de Bremond's head, and would do it again; +that she had quitted him because he was a fool; that she took me in his +place; that she would love me because it pleased her so to do, for which +reason I must love her as long as it was agreeable to her, and when she +thought proper to send me about my business, I must be patient as her +dear Bremond had been. What was said was done. She took possession of +me as of a man that belonged to her, gave me her gloves to keep, her fan, +her cinda, and her coif, and ordered me to go here or there, to do this +or that, and I instantly obeyed her. She told me to go and send away her +gondola, because she chose to make use of mine, and I immediately sent it +away; she bid me to move from my place, and pray Carrio to sit down in +it, because she had something to say to him; and I did as she desired. +They chatted a good while together, but spoke low, and I did not +interrupt them. She called me, and I approached her. "Hark thee, +Zanetto," said she to me, "I will not be loved in the French manner; this +indeed will not be well. In the first moment of lassitude, get thee +gone: but stay not by the way, I caution thee." After dinner we went to +see the glass manufactory at Murano. She bought a great number of little +curiosities; for which she left me to pay without the least ceremony. +But she everywhere gave away little trinkets to a much greater amount +than of the things we had purchased. By the indifference with which she +threw away her money, I perceived she annexed to it but little value. +When she insisted upon a payment, I am of opinion it was more from a +motive of vanity than avarice. She was flattered by the price her +admirers set upon her favors. + +In the evening we conducted her to her apartments. As we conversed +together, I perceived a couple of pistols upon her toilette. "Ah! Ah!" +said I, taking one of them up, "this is a patchbox of a new construction: +may I ask what is its use? I know you have other arms which give more +fire than those upon your table." After a few pleasantries of the same +kind, she said to us, with an ingenuousness which rendered her still more +charming, "When I am complaisant to persons whom I do not love, I make +them pay for the weariness they cause me; nothing can be more just; but +if I suffer their caresses, I will not bear their insults; nor miss the +first who shall be wanting to me in respect." + +At taking leave of her, I made another appointment for the next day. I +did not make her wait. I found her in 'vestito di conidenza', in an +undress more than wanton, unknown to northern countries, and which I will +not amuse myself in describing, although I recollect it perfectly well. +I shall only remark that her ruffles and collar were edged with silk +network ornamented with rose--colored pompons. This, in my eyes, much +enlivened a beautiful complexion. I afterwards found it to be the mode +at Venice, and the effect is so charming that I am surprised it has never +been introduced in France. I had no idea of the transports which awaited +me. I have spoken of Madam de Larnage with the transport which the +remembrance of her still sometimes gives me; but how old, ugly and cold +she appeared, compared with my Zulietta! Do not attempt to form to +yourself an idea of the charms and graces of this enchanting girl, you +will be far too short of truth. Young virgins in cloisters are not so +fresh: the beauties of the seraglio are less animated: the houris of +paradise less engaging. Never was so sweet an enjoyment offered to the +heart and senses of a mortal. Ah! had I at least been capable of fully +tasting of it for a single moment! I had tasted of it, but without a +charm. I enfeebled all its delights: I destroyed them as at will. No; +Nature has not made me capable of enjoyment. She has infused into my +wretched head the poison of that ineffable happiness, the desire of which +she first placed in my heart. + +If there be a circumstance in my life, which describes my nature, it is +that which I am going to relate. The forcible manner in which I at this +moment recollect the object of my book, will here make me hold in +contempt the false delicacy which would prevent me from fulfilling it. +Whoever you may be who are desirous of knowing a man, have the courage to +read the two or three following pages, and you will become fully +acquainted with J. J. Rousseau. + +I entered the chamber of a woman of easy virtue, as the sanctuary of love +and beauty: and in her person, I thought I saw the divinity. I should +have been inclined to think that without respect and esteem it was +impossible to feel anything like that which she made me experience. +Scarcely had I, in her first familiarities, discovered the force of her +charms and caresses, before I wished, for fear of losing the fruit of +them, to gather it beforehand. Suddenly, instead of the flame which +consumed me, I felt a mortal cold run through all my veins; my legs +failed me; and ready to faint away, I sat down and wept like a child. + +Who would guess the cause of my tears, and what, at this moment, passed +within me? I said to myself: the object in my power is the masterpiece +of love; her wit and person equally approach perfection; she is as good +and generous as she is amiable and beautiful. Yet she is a miserable +prostitute, abandoned to the public. The captain of a merchantship +disposed of her at will; she has thrown herself into my arms, although +she knows I have nothing; and my merit with which she cannot be +acquainted, can be to her no inducement. In this there is something +inconceivable. Either my heart deceives me, fascinates my senses, and +makes me the dupe of an unworthy slut, or some secret defect, of which I +am ignorant, destroys the effect of her charms, and renders her odious in +the eyes of those by whom her charms would otherwise be disputed. I +endeavored, by an extraordinary effort of mind, to discover this defect, +but it did not so much as strike me that even the consequences to be +apprehended, might possibly have some influence. The clearness of her +skin, the brilliancy of her complexion, her white teeth, sweet breath, +and the appearance of neatness about her person, so far removed from me +this idea, that, still in doubt relative to my situation after the affair +of the 'padoana', I rather apprehended I was not sufficiently in health +for her: and I am firmly persuaded I was not deceived in my opinion. +These reflections, so apropos, agitated me to such a degree as to make me +shed tears. Zuliette, to whom the scene was quite novel, was struck +speechless for a moment. But having made a turn in her chamber, and +passing before her glass, she comprehended, and my eyes confirmed her +opinion, that disgust had no part in what had happened. It was not +difficult for her to recover me and dispel this shamefacedness. + +But, at the moment in which I was ready to faint upon a bosom, which for +the first time seemed to suffer the impression of the hand and lips of a +man, I perceived she had a withered 'teton'. I struck my forehead: I +examined, and thought I perceived this teton was not formed like the +other. I immediately began to consider how it was possible to have such +a defect, and persuaded of its proceeding from some great natural vice, I +was clearly convinced, that, instead of the most charming person of whom +I could form to myself an idea, I had in my arms a species of a monster, +the refuse of nature, of men and of love. I carried my stupidity so far +as to speak to her of the discovery I had made. She, at first, took what +I said jocosely; and in her frolicsome humor, did and said things which +made me die of love. But perceiving an inquietude I could not conceal, +she at length reddened, adjusted her dress, raised herself up, and +without saying a word, went and placed herself at a window. I attempted +to place myself by her side: she withdrew to a sofa, rose from it the +next moment, and fanning herself as she walked about the chamber, said to +me in a reserved and disdainful tone of voice, "Zanetto, 'lascia le +donne, a studia la matematica."--[Leave women and study mathematics.] + +Before I took leave I requested her to appoint another rendezvous for the +next day, which she postponed for three days, adding, with a satirical +smile, that I must needs be in want of repose. I was very ill at ease +during the interval; my heart was full of her charms and graces; I felt +my extravagance, and reproached myself with it, regretting the loss of +the moments I had so ill employed, and which, had I chosen, I might have +rendered more agreeable than any in my whole life; waiting with the most +burning impatience for the moment in which I might repair the loss, and +yet, notwithstanding all my reasoning upon what I had discovered, anxious +to reconcile the perfections of this adorable girl with the indignity of +her situation. I ran, I flew to her apartment at the hour appointed. I +know not whether or not her ardor would have been more satisfied with +this visit, her pride at least would have been flattered by it, and I +already rejoiced at the idea of my convincing her, in every respect, that +I knew how to repair the wrongs I had done. She spared me this +justification. The gondolier whom I had sent to her apartment brought me +for answer that she had set off, the evening before, for Florence. If I +had not felt all the love I had for her person when this was in my +possession, I felt it in the most cruel manner on losing her. Amiable +and charming as she was in my eyes, I could not console myself for the +loss of her; but this I have never been able to do relative to the +contemptuous idea which at her departure she must have had of me. + +These are my two narratives. The eighteen months I passed at Venice +furnished me with no other of the same kind, except a simple prospect at +most. Carrio was a gallant. Tired of visiting girls engaged to others, +he took a fancy to have one to himself, and, as we were inseparable, he +proposed to mean arrangement common enough at Venice, which was to keep +one girl for us both. To this I consented. The question was, to find +one who was safe. He was so industrious in his researches that he found +out a little girl from eleven to twelve years of age, whom her infamous +mother was endeavoring to sell, and I went with Carrio to see her. The +sight of the child moved me to the most lively compassion. She was fair +and as gentle as a lamb. Nobody would have taken her for an Italian. +Living is very cheap in Venice; we gave a little money to the mother, and +provided for the subsistence of her daughter. She had a voice, and to +procure her some resource we gave her a spinnet, and a singing--master. +All these expenses did not cost each of us more than two sequins a month, +and we contrived to save a much greater sum in other matters; but as we +were obliged to wait until she became of a riper age, this was sowing a +long time before we could possibly reap. However, satisfied with passing +our evenings, chatting and innocently playing with the child, we perhaps +enjoyed greater pleasure than if we had received the last favors. So +true is it that men are more attached to women by a certain pleasure they +have in living with them, than by any kind of libertinism. My heart +became insensibly attached to the little Anzoletta, but my attachment was +paternal, in which the senses had so little share, that in proportion as +the former increased, to have connected it with the latter would have +been less possible; and I felt I should have experienced, at approaching +this little creature when become nubile, the same horror with which the +abominable crime of incest would have inspired me. I perceived the +sentiments of Carrio take, unobserved by himself, exactly the same turn. +We thus prepared for ourselves, without intending it, pleasure not less +delicious, but very different from that of which we first had an idea; +and I am fully persuaded that however beautiful the poor child might have +become, far from being the corrupters of her innocence we should have +been the protectors of it. The circumstance which shortly afterwards +befell me deprived me, of the happiness of taking a part in this good +work, and my only merit in the affair was the inclination of my heart. + +I will now return to my journey. + +My first intentions after leaving M. de Montaigu, was to retire to +Geneva, until time and more favorable circumstances should have removed +the obstacles which prevented my union with my poor mamma; but the +quarrel between me and M. de Montaigu being become public, and he having +had the folly to write about it to the court, I resolved to go there to +give an account of my conduct and complain of that of a madman. I +communicated my intention, from Venice, to M. du Theil, charged per +interim with foreign affairs after the death of M. Amelot. I set off as +soon as my letter, and took my route through Bergamo, Como, and Domo +D'Oscela, and crossing Saint Plomb. At Sion, M. de Chaignon, charge des +affaires from France, showed me great civility; at Geneva M. de la +Closure treated me with the same polite attention. I there renewed my +acquaintance with M. de Gauffecourt, from whom I had some money to +receive. I had passed through Nion without going to see my father: not +that this was a matter of indifference to me, but because I was unwilling +to appear before my mother-in-law, after the disaster which had befallen +me, certain of being condemned by her without being heard. The +bookseller, Du Villard, an old friend of my father's, reproached me +severely with this neglect. I gave him my reasons for it, and to repair +my fault, without exposing myself to meet my mother-in-law, I took a +chaise and we went together to Nion and stopped at a public house. Du +Villard went to fetch my father, who came running to embrace me. We +supped together, and, after passing an evening very agreeable to the +wishes of my heart, I returned the next morning to Geneva with Du +Villard, for whom I have ever since retained a sentiment of gratitude in +return for the service he did me on this occasion. + +Lyons was a little out of my direct road, but I was determined to pass +through that city in order to convince myself of a knavish trick played +me by M. de Montaigu. I had sent me from Paris a little box containing a +waistcoat, embroidered with gold, a few pairs of ruffles, and six pairs +of white silk stockings; nothing more. Upon a proposition made me by M. +de Montaigu, I ordered this box to be added to his baggage. In the +apothecary's bill he offered me in payment of my salary, and which he +wrote out himself, he stated the weight of this box, which he called a +bale, at eleven hundred pounds, and charged me with the carriage of it at +an enormous rate. By the cares of M. Boy de la Tour, to whom I was +recommended by M. Roquin, his uncle, it was proved from the registers of +the customs of Lyons and Marseilles, that the said bale weighed no more +than forty-five pounds, and had paid carriage according to that weight. +I joined this authentic extract to the memoir of M, de Montaigu, and +provided with these papers and others containing stronger facts, I +returned to Paris, very impatient to make use of them. During the whole +of this long journey I had little adventures; at Como, in Valais, and +elsewhere. I there saw many curious things, amongst others the Boroma +islands, which are worthy of being described. But I am pressed by time, +and surrounded by spies. I am obliged to write in haste, and very +imperfectly, a work which requires the leisure and tranquility I do not +enjoy. If ever providence in its goodness grants me days more calm, I +shall destine them to new modelling this work, should I be able to do it, +or at least to giving a supplement, of which I perceive it stands in the +greatest need.--[I have given up this project.] + +The news of my quarrel had reached Paris before me and on my arrival I +found the people in all the offices, and the public in general, +scandalized at the follies of the ambassador. + +Notwithstanding this, the public talk at Venice, and the unanswerable +proof I exhibited, I could not obtain even the shadow of justice. Far +from obtaining satisfaction or reparation, I was left at the discretion +of the ambassador for my salary, and this for no other reason than +because, not being a Frenchman, I had no right to national protection, +and that it was a private affair between him and myself. Everybody +agreed I was insulted, injured, and unfortunate; that the ambassador was +mad, cruel, and iniquitous, and that the whole of the affair dishonored +him forever. But what of this! He was the ambassador, and I was nothing +more than the secretary. + +Order, or that which is so called, was in opposition to my obtaining +justice, and of this the least shadow was not granted me. I supposed +that, by loudly complaining, and by publicly treating this madman in the +manner he deserved, I should at length be told to hold my tongue; this +was what I wished for, and I was fully determined not to obey until I had +obtained redress. But at that time there was no minister for foreign +affairs. I was suffered to exclaim, nay, even encouraged to do it, and +joined with; but the affair still remained in the same state, until, +tired of being in the right without obtaining justice, my courage at +length failed me, and let the whole drop. + +The only person by whom I was ill received, and from whom I should have +least expected such an injustice, was Madam de Beuzenval. Full of the +prerogatives of rank and nobility, she could not conceive it was possible +an ambassador could ever be in the wrong with respect to his secretary. +The reception she gave me was conformable to this prejudice. I was so +piqued at it that, immediately after leaving her, I wrote her perhaps one +of the strongest and most violent letters that ever came from my pen, and +since that time I never once returned to her house. I was better +received by Father Castel; but, in the midst of his Jesuitical wheedling +I perceived him faithfully to follow one of the great maxims of his +society, which is to sacrifice the weak to the powerful. The strong +conviction I felt of the justice of my cause, and my natural greatness of +mind did not suffer me patiently to endure this partiality. I ceased +visiting Father Castel, and on that account, going to the college of the +Jesuits, where I knew nobody but himself. Besides the intriguing and +tyrannical spirit of his brethren, so different from the cordiality of +the good Father Hemet, gave me such a disgust for their conversation that +I have never since been acquainted with, nor seen anyone of them except +Father Berthier, whom I saw twice or thrice at M. Dupin's, in conjunction +with whom he labored with all his might at the refutation of Montesquieu. + +That I may not return to the subject, I will conclude what I have to say +of M. de Montaigu. I had told him in our quarrels that a secretary was +not what he wanted, but an attorney's clerk. He took the hint, and the +person whom he procured to succeed me was a real attorney, who in less +than a year robbed him of twenty or thirty thousand livres. He +discharged him, and sent him to prison, dismissed his gentleman with +disgrace, and, in wretchedness, got himself everywhere into quarrels, +received affronts which a footman would not have put up with, and, after +numerous follies, was recalled, and sent from the capital. It is very +probable that among the reprimands he received at court, his affair with +me was not forgotten. At least, a little time after his return he sent +his maitre d' hotel, to settle my account, and give me some money. I was +in want of it at that moment; my debts at Venice, debts of honor, if ever +there were any, lay heavy upon my mind. I made use of the means which +offered to discharge them, as well as the note of Zanetto Nani. I +received what was offered me, paid all my debts, and remained as before, +without a farthing in my pocket, but relieved from a weight which had +become insupportable. From that time I never heard speak of M. de +Montaigu until his death, with which I became acquainted by means of the +Gazette. The peace of God be with that poor man! He was as fit for the +functions of an ambassador as in my infancy I had been for those of +Grapignan.--[I have not been able to find this word in any dictionary, +nor does any Frenchman of letters of my acquaintance know what it means.- +-T.]--However, it was in his power to have honorably supported himself +by my services, and rapidly to have advanced me in a career to which the +Comte de Gauvon had destined me in my youth, and of the functions of +which I had in a more advanced age rendered myself capable. + +The justice and inutility of my complaints, left in my mind seeds of +indignation against our foolish civil institutions, by which the welfare +of the public and real justice are always sacrificed to I know not what +appearance of order, and which does nothing more than add the sanction of +public authority to the oppression of the weak, and the iniquity of the +powerful. Two things prevented these seeds from putting forth at that +time as they afterwards did: one was, myself being in question in the +affair, and private interest, whence nothing great or noble ever +proceeded, could not draw from my heart the divine soarings, which the +most pure love, only of that which is just and sublime, can produce. The +other was the charm of friendship which tempered and calmed my wrath by +the ascendancy of a more pleasing sentiment. I had become acquainted at +Venice with a Biscayan, a friend of my friend Carrio's, and worthy of +being that of every honest man. This amiable young man, born with every +talent and virtue, had just made the tour of Italy to gain a taste for +the fine arts, and, imagining he had nothing more to acquire, intended to +return by the most direct road to his own country. I told him the arts +were nothing more than a relaxation to a genius like his, fit to +cultivate the sciences; and to give him a taste for these, I advised him +to make a journey to Paris and reside there for six months. He took my +advice, and went to Paris. He was there and expected me when I arrived. +His lodging was too considerable for him, and he offered me the half of +it, which I instantly accepted. I found him absorbed in the study of the +sublimest sciences. Nothing was above his reach. He digested everything +with a prodigious rapidity. How cordially did he thank me for having +procured him this food for his mind, which was tormented by a thirst +after knowledge, without his being aware of it! What a treasure of light +and virtue I found in the vigorous mind of this young man! I felt he was +the friend I wanted. We soon became intimate. Our tastes were not the +same, and we constantly disputed. Both opinionated, we never could agree +about anything. Nevertheless we could not separate; and, notwithstanding +our reciprocal and incessant contradiction, we neither of us wished the +other to be different from what he was. + +Ignacio Emanuel de Altuna was one of those rare beings whom only Spain +produces, and of whom she produces too few for her glory. He had not the +violent national passions common in his own country. The idea of +vengeance could no more enter his head, than the desire of it could +proceed from his heart. His mind was too great to be vindictive, and I +have frequently heard him say, with the greatest coolness, that no mortal +could offend him. He was gallant, without being tender. He played with +women as with so many pretty children. He amused himself with the +mistresses of his friends, but I never knew him to have one of his own, +nor the least desire for it. The emanations from the virtue with which +his heart was stored, never permitted the fire of the passions to excite +sensual desires. + +After his travels he married, died young, and left children; and, I am as +convinced as of my existence, that his wife was the first and only woman +with whom he ever tasted of the pleasures of love. + +Externally he was devout, like a Spaniard, but in his heart he had the +piety of an angel. Except myself, he is the only man I ever saw whose +principles were not intolerant. He never in his life asked any person +his opinion in matters of religion. It was not of the least consequence +to him whether his friend was a Jew, a Protestant, a Turk, a Bigot, or an +Atheist, provided he was an honest man. Obstinate and headstrong in +matters of indifference, but the moment religion was in question, even +the moral part, he collected himself, was silent, or simply said: "I am +charged with the care of myself, only." It is astonishing so much +elevation of mind should be compatible with a spirit of detail carried to +minuteness. He previously divided the employment of the day by hours, +quarters and minutes; and so scrupulously adhered to this distribution, +that had the clock struck while he was reading a phrase, he would have +shut his book without finishing it. His portions of time thus laid out, +were some of them set apart to studies of one kind, and others to those +of another: he had some for reflection, conversation, divine service, the +reading of Locke, for his rosary, for visits, music and painting; and +neither pleasure, temptation, nor complaisance, could interrupt this +order: a duty he might have had to discharge was the only thing that +could have done it. When he gave me a list of his distribution, that I +might conform myself thereto, I first laughed, and then shed tears of +admiration. He never constrained anybody nor suffered constraint: he was +rather rough with people, who from politeness, attempted to put it upon +him. He was passionate without being sullen. I have often seen him +warm, but never saw him really angry with any person. Nothing could be +more cheerful than his temper: he knew how to pass and receive a joke; +raillery was one of his distinguished talents, and with which he +possessed that of pointed wit and repartee. When he was animated, he was +noisy and heard at a great distance; but whilst he loudly inveighed, a +smile was spread over his countenance, and in the midst of his warmth he +used some diverting expression which made all his hearers break out into +a loud laugh. He had no more of the Spanish complexion than of the +phlegm of that country. His skin was white, his cheeks finely colored, +and his hair of a light chestnut. He was tall and well made; his body +was well formed for the residence of his mind. + +This wise--hearted as well as wise--headed man, knew mankind, and was my +friend; this was my only answer to such as are not so. We were so +intimately united, that our intention was to pass our days together. In +a few years I was to go to Ascoytia to live with him at his estate; every +part of the project was arranged the eve of his departure; nothing was +left undetermined, except that which depends not upon men in the best +concerted plans, posterior events. My disasters, his marriage, and +finally, his death, separated us forever. Some men would be tempted to +say, that nothing succeeds except the dark conspiracies of the wicked, +and that the innocent intentions of the good are seldom or never +accomplished. I had felt the inconvenience of dependence, and took a +resolution never again to expose myself to it; having seen the projects +of ambition, which circumstances had induced me to form, overturned in +their birth. Discouraged in the career I had so well begun, from which, +however, I had just been expelled, I resolved never more to attach myself +to any person, but to remain in an independent state, turning my talents +to the best advantage: of these I at length began to feel the extent, and +that I had hitherto had too modest an opinion of them. I again took up +my opera, which I had laid aside to go to Venice; and that I might be +less interrupted after the departure of Altuna, I returned to my old +hotel St. Quentin; which, in a solitary part of the town, and not far +from the Luxembourg, was more proper for my purpose than noisy Rue St. +Honor. + +There the only consolation which Heaven suffered me to taste in my +misery, and the only one which rendered it supportable, awaited me. This +was not a trancient acquaintance; I must enter into some detail relative +to the manner in which it was made. + +We had a new landlady from Orleans; she took for a needlewoman a girl +from her own country, of between twenty--two and twenty--three years of +age, and who, as well as the hostess, ate at our table. This girl, named +Theresa le Vasseur, was of a good family; her father was an officer in +the mint of Orleans, and her mother a shopkeeper; they had many children. +The function of the mint of Orleans being suppressed, the father found +himself without employment; and the mother having suffered losses, was +reduced to narrow circumstances. She quitted her business and came to +Paris with her husband and daughter, who, by her industry, maintained all +the three. + +The first time I saw this girl at table, I was struck with her modesty; +and still more so with her lively yet charming look, which, with respect +to the impression it made upon me, was never equalled. Beside M. de +Bonnefond, the company was composed of several Irish priests, Gascons and +others of much the same description. Our hostess herself had not made +the best possible use of her time, and I was the only person at the table +who spoke and behaved with decency. Allurements were thrown out to the +young girl. I took her part, and the joke was then turned against me. +Had I had no natural inclination to the poor girl, compassion and +contradiction would have produced it in me: I was always a great friend +to decency in manners and conversation, especially in the fair sex. I +openly declared myself her champion, and perceived she was not insensible +of my attention; her looks, animated by the gratitude she dared not +express by words, were for this reason still more penetrating. + +She was very timid, and I was as much so as herself. The connection +which this disposition common to both seemed to remove to a distance, was +however rapidly formed. Our landlady perceiving its progress, became +furious, and her brutality forwarded my affair with the young girl, who, +having no person in the house except myself to give her the least +support, was sorry to see me go from home, and sighed for the return of +her protector. The affinity our hearts bore to each other, and the +similarity of our dispositions, had soon their ordinary effect. She +thought she saw in me an honest man, and in this she was not deceived. +I thought I perceived in her a woman of great sensibility, simple in her +manners, and devoid of all coquetry:--I was no more deceived in her than +she in me. I began by declaring to her that I would never either abandon +or marry her. Love, esteem, artless sincerity were the ministers of my +triumph, and it was because her heart was tender and virtuous, that I was +happy without being presuming. + +The apprehensions she was under of my not finding in her that for which I +sought, retarded my happiness more than every other circumstance. I +perceived her disconcerted and confused before she yielded her consent, +wishing to be understood and not daring to explain herself. Far from +suspecting the real cause of her embarrassment, I falsely imagined it to +proceed from another motive, a supposition highly insulting to her +morals, and thinking she gave me to understand my health might be exposed +to danger, I fell into so perplexed a state that, although it was no +restraint upon me, it poisoned my happiness during several days. As we +did not understand each other, our conversations upon this subject were +so many enigmas more than ridiculous. She was upon the point of +believing I was absolutely mad; and I on my part was as near not knowing +what else to think of her. At last we came to an explanation; she +confessed to me with tears the only fault of the kind of her whole life, +immediately after she became nubile; the fruit of her ignorance and the +address of her seducer. The moment I comprehended what she meant, I gave +a shout of joy. "A Hymen!" exclaimed I; "sought for at Paris, and at +twenty years of age! Ah my Theresa! I am happy in possessing thee, +virtuous and healthy as thou art, and in not finding that for which I +never sought." + +At first amusement was my only object; I perceived I had gone further and +had given myself a companion. A little intimate connection with this +excellent girl, and a few reflections upon my situation, made me discover +that, while thinking of nothing more than my pleasures, I had done a +great deal towards my happiness. In the place of extinguished ambition, +a life of sentiment, which had entire possession of my heart, was +necessary to me. In a word, I wanted a successor to mamma: since I was +never again to live with her, it was necessary some person should live +with her pupil, and a person, too, in whom I might find that simplicity +and docility of mind and heart which she had found in me. It was, +moreover, necessary that the happiness of domestic life should indemnify +me for the splendid career I had just renounced. When I was quite alone +there was a void in my heart, which wanted nothing more than another +heart to fill it up. Fate had deprived me of this, or at least in part +alienated me from that for which by nature I was formed. From that +moment I was alone, for there never was for me the least thing +intermediate between everything and nothing. I found in Theresa the +supplement of which I stood in need; by means of her I lived as happily +as I possibly could do, according to the course of events. + +I at first attempted to improve her mind. In this my pains were useless. +Her mind is as nature formed it: it was not susceptible of cultivation. +I do not blush in acknowledging she never knew how to read well, although +she writes tolerably. When I went to lodge in the Rue Neuve des Petits +Champs, opposite to my windows at the Hotel de Ponchartrain, there was a +sun-dial, on which for a whole month I used all my efforts to teach her +to know the hours; yet, she scarcely knows them at present. She never +could enumerate the twelve months of the year in order, and cannot +distinguish one numeral from another, notwithstanding all the trouble I +took endeavoring to teach them to her. She neither knows how to count +money, nor to reckon the price of anything. The word which when she +speaks, presents itself to her mind, is frequently opposite to that of +which she means to make use. I formerly made a dictionary of her +phrases, to amuse M. de Luxembourg, and her 'qui pro quos' often became +celebrated among those with whom I was most intimate. But this person, +so confined in her intellects, and, if the world pleases, so stupid, can +give excellent advice in cases of difficulty. In Switzerland, in England +and in France, she frequently saw what I had not myself perceived; she +has often given me the best advice I could possibly follow; she has +rescued me from dangers into which I had blindly precipitated myself, and +in the presence of princes and the great, her sentiments, good sense, +answers, and conduct have acquired her universal esteem, and myself the +most sincere congratulations on her merit. With persons whom we love, +sentiment fortifies the mind as well as the heart; and they who are thus +attached, have little need of searching for ideas elsewhere. + +I lived with my Theresa as agreeably as with the finest genius in the +world. Her mother, proud of having been brought up under the Marchioness +of Monpipeau, attempted to be witty, wished to direct the judgment of her +daughter, and by her knavish cunning destroyed the simplicity of our +intercourse. + +The fatigue of this opportunity made me in some degree surmount the +foolish shame which prevented me from appearing with Theresa in public; +and we took short country walks, tete-a-tete, and partook of little +collations, which, to me, were delicious. I perceived she loved me +sincerely, and this increased my tenderness. This charming intimacy left +me nothing to wish; futurity no longer gave me the least concern, or at +most appeared only as the present moment prolonged: I had no other desire +than that of insuring its duration. + +This attachment rendered all other dissipation superfluous and insipid to +me. As I only went out for the purpose of going to the apartment of +Theresa, her place of residence almost became my own. My retirement was +so favorable to the work I had undertaken, that, in less than three +months, my opera was entirely finished, both words and music, except a +few accompaniments, and fillings up which still remained to be added. +This maneuvering business was very fatiguing to me. I proposed it to +Philidor, offering him at the same time a part of the profits. He came +twice, and did something to the middle parts in the act of Ovid; but he +could not confine himself to an assiduous application by the allurement +of advantages which were distant and uncertain. He did not come a third +time, and I finished the work myself. + +My opera completed, the next thing was to make something of it: this was +by much the more difficult task of the two. A man living in solitude in +Paris will never succeed in anything. I was on the point of making my +way by means of M. de la Popliniere, to whom Gauffecourt, at my return to +Geneva had introduced me. M. de la Popliniere was the Mecaenas of +Rameau; Madam de la Popliniere his very humble scholar. Rameau was said +to govern in that house. Judging that he would with pleasure protect the +work of one of his disciples, I wished to show him what I had done. He +refused to examine it; saying he could not read score, it was too +fatiguing to him. M. de la Popliniere, to obviate this difficulty, said +he might hear it; and offered me to send for musicians to execute certain +detached pieces. I wished for nothing better. Rameau consented with an +ill grace, incessantly repeating that the composition of a man not +regularly bred to the science, and who had learned music without a +master, must certainly be very fine! I hastened to copy into parts five +or six select passages. Ten symphonies were procured, and Albert, +Berard, and Mademoiselle Bourbonois undertook the vocal part. Remeau, +the moment he heard the overture, was purposely extravagant in his +eulogium, by which he intended it should be understood it could not be my +composition. He showed signs of impatience at every passage: but after a +counter tenor song, the air of which was noble and harmonious, with a +brilliant accompaniment, he could no longer contain himself; he +apostrophised me with a brutality at which everybody was shocked, +maintaining that a part of what he had heard was by a man experienced in +the art, and the rest by some ignorant person who did not so much as +understand music. It is true my composition, unequal and without rule, +was sometimes sublime, and at others insipid, as that of a person who +forms himself in an art by the soarings of his own genius, unsupported by +science, must necessarily be. Rameau pretended to see nothing in me but +a contemptible pilferer, without talents or taste. The rest of the +company, among whom I must distinguish the master of the house, were of a +different opinion. M. de Richelieu, who at that time frequently visited +M. and Madam de la Popliniere, heard them speak of my work, and wished to +hear the whole of it, with an intention, if it pleased him, to have it +performed at court. The opera was executed with full choruses, and by a +great orchestra, at the expense of the king, at M. de Bonneval's +intendant of the Menus; Francoeur directed the band. The effect was +surprising: the duke never ceased to exclaim and applaud; and, at the end +of one of the choruses, in the act of Tasso, he arose and came to me, +and, pressing my hand, said: "M. Rousseau, this is transporting harmony. +I never heard anything finer. I will get this performed at Versailles." + +Madam de la Poliniere, who was present, said not a word. Rameau, +although invited, refused to come. The next day, Madam de la Popliniere +received me at her toilette very ungraciously, affected to undervalue my +piece, and told me, that although a little false glitter had at first +dazzled M. de Richelieu, he had recovered from his error, and she advised +me not to place the least dependence upon my opera. The duke arrived +soon after, and spoke to me in quite a different language. He said very +flattering things of my talents, and seemed as much disposed as ever to +have my composition performed before the king. "There is nothing," said +he, "but the act of Tasso which cannot pass at court: you must write +another." Upon this single word I shut myself up in my apartment; and in +three weeks produced, in the place of Tasso, another act, the subject of +which was Hesiod inspired by the muses. In this I found the secret of +introducing a part of the history of my talents, and of the jealousy with +which Rameau had been pleased to honor me. There was in the new act an +elevation less gigantic and better supported than in the act of Tasso. +The music was as noble and the composition better; and had the other two +acts been equal to this, the whole piece would have supported a +representation to advantage. But whilst I was endeavoring to give it the +last finishing, another undertaking suspended the completion of that I +had in my hand. In the winter which succeeded the battle of Fontenoi, +there were many galas at Versailles, and several operas performed at the +theater of the little stables. Among the number of the latter was the +dramatic piece of Voltaire, entitled 'La Princesse de Navarre', the music +by Rameau, the name of which has just been changed to that of 'Fetes de +Ramire'. This new subject required several changes to be made in the +divertissements, as well in the poetry as in the music. + +A person capable of both was now sought after. Voltaire was in Lorraine, +and Rameau also; both of whom were employed on the opera of the Temple of +Glory, and could not give their attention to this. M. de Richelieu +thought of me, and sent to desire I would undertake the alterations; +and, that I might the better examine what there was to do, he gave me +separately the poem and the music. In the first place, I would not touch +the words without the consent of the author, to whom I wrote upon the +subject a very polite and respectful letter, such a one as was proper; +and received from him the following answer: + +"SIR: In you two talents, which hitherto have always been separated, are +united. These are two good reasons for me to esteem and to endeavor to +love you. I am sorry, on your account, you should employ these talents in +a work which is so little worthy of them. A few months ago the Duke de +Richelieu commanded me to make, absolutely in the twinkling of an eye, +a little and bad sketch of a few insipid and imperfect scenes to be +adapted to divertissements which are not of a nature to be joined with +them. I obeyed with the greatest exactness. I wrote very fast, and very +ill. I sent this wretched production to M. de Richelieu, imagining he +would make no use of it, or that I should have it again to make the +necessary corrections. Happily it is in your hands, and you are at full +liberty to do with it whatever you please: I have entirely lost sight of +the thing. I doubt not but you will have corrected all the faults which +cannot but abound in so hasty a composition of such a very simple sketch, +and am persuaded you will have supplied whatever was wanting. + +"I remember that, among other stupid inattentions, no account is given in +the scenes which connect the divertissements of the manner in which the +Grenadian prince immediately passes from a prison to a garden or palace. +As it is not a magician but a Spanish nobleman who gives her the gala, I +am of opinion nothing should be effected by enchantment. + +"I beg, sir, you will examine this part, of which I have but a confused +idea. + +"You will likewise consider, whether or not it be necessary the prison +should be opened, and the princess conveyed from it to a fine palace, +gilt and varnished, and prepared for her. I know all this is wretched, +and that it is beneath a thinking being to make a serious affair of such +trifles; but, since we must displease as little as possible, it is +necessary we should conform to reason, even in a bad divertissement of an +opera. + +"I depend wholly upon you and M. Ballot, and soon expect to have the +honor of returning you my thanks, and assuring you how much I am, etc." + +There is nothing surprising in the great politeness of this letter, +compared with the almost crude ones which he has since written to me. +He thought I was in great favor with Madam Richelieu; and the courtly +suppleness, which everyone knows to be the character of this author, +obliged him to be extremely polite to a new comer, until he become better +acquainted with the measure of the favor and patronage he enjoyed. + +Authorized by M. de Voltaire, and not under the necessity of giving +myself the least concern about M. Rameau, who endeavored to injure me, +I set to work, and in two months my undertaking was finished. With +respect to the poetry, it was confined to a mere trifle; I aimed at +nothing more than to prevent the difference of style from being +perceived, and had the vanity to think I had succeeded. The musical part +was longer and more laborious. Besides my having to compose several +preparatory pieces, and, amongst others, the overture, all the +recitative, with which I was charged, was extremely difficult on account +of the necessity there was of connecting, in a few verses, and by very +rapid modulations, symphonies and choruses, in keys very different from +each other; for I was determined neither to change nor transpose any of +the airs, that Rameau might not accuse me of having disfigured them. +I succeeded in the recitative; it was well accented, full of energy and +excellent modulation. The idea of two men of superior talents, with whom +I was associated, had elevated my genius, and I can assert, that in this +barren and inglorious task, of which the public could have no knowledge, +I was for the most part equal to my models. + +The piece, in the state to which I had brought it, was rehearsed in the +great theatre of the opera. Of the three authors who had contributed to +the production, I was the only one present. Voltaire was not in Paris, +and Rameau either did not come, or concealed himself. The words of the +first monologue were very mournful; they began with: + + O Mort! viens terminer les malheurs de ma vie. + + [O Death! hasten to terminate the misfortunes of my life.] + +To these, suitable music was necessary. It was, however, upon this that +Madam de la Popliniere founded her censure; accusing me, with much +bitterness, of having composed a funeral anthem. M. de Richelieu very +judiciously began by informing himself who was the author of the poetry +of this monologue; I presented him the manuscript he had sent me, which +proved it was by Voltaire. "In that case," said the duke, "Voltaire +alone is to blame." During the rehearsal, everything I had done was +disapproved by Madam de la Popliniere, and approved of by M. de +Richelieu; but I had afterwards to do with too powerful an adversary. +It was signified to me that several parts of my composition wanted +revising, and that on this it was necessary I should consult M. Rameau; +my heart was wounded by such a conclusion, instead of the eulogium I +expected, and which certainly I merited, and I returned to my apartment +overwhelmed with grief, exhausted with fatigue, and consumed by chagrin. +I was immediately taken ill, and confined to my chamber for upwards of +six weeks. + +Rameau, who was charged with the alterations indicated by Madam de la +Popliniere, sent to ask me for the overture of my great opera, to +substitute it to that I had just composed. Happily I perceived the trick +he intended to play me, and refused him the overture. As the performance +was to be in five or six days, he had not time to make one, and was +obliged to leave that I had prepared. It was in the Italian taste, and +in a style at that time quite new in France. It gave satisfaction, and I +learned from M. de Valmalette, maitre d'hotel to the king, and son-in-law +to M. Mussard, my relation and friend, that the connoisseurs were highly +satisfied with my work, and that the public had not distinguished it from +that of Rameau. However, he and Madam de la Popliniere took measures to +prevent any person from knowing I had any concern in the matter. In the +books distributed to the audience, and in which the authors are always +named, Voltaire was the only person mentioned, and Rameau preferred the +suppression of his own name to seeing it associated with mine. + +As soon as I was in a situation to leave my room, I wished to wait upon +M. de Richelieu, but it was too late; he had just set off for Dunkirk, +where he was to command the expedition destined to Scotland. At his +return, said I to myself, to authorize my idleness, it will be too late +for my purpose, not having seen him since that time. I lost the honor of +mywork and the emoluments it should have produced me, besides considering +my time, trouble, grief, and vexation, my illness, and the money this cost +me, without ever receiving the least benefit, or rather, recompense. +However, I always thought M. de Richelieu was disposed to serve me, and +that he had a favorable opinion of my talents; but my misfortune, and +Madam de la Popliniere, prevented the effect of his good wishes. + +I could not divine the reason of the aversion this lady had to me. I had +always endeavored to make myself agreeable to her, and regularly paid her +my court. Gauffecourt explained to me the causes of her dislike: "The +first," said he, "is her friendship for Rameau, of whom she is the +declared panegyrist, and who will not suffer a competitor; the next is an +original sin, which ruins you in her estimation, and which she will never +forgive; you are a Genevese." Upon this he told me the Abbe Hubert, who +was from the same city, and the sincere friend of M. de la Popliniere, +had used all his efforts to prevent him from marrying this lady, with +whose character and temper he was very well acquainted; and that after +the marriage she had vowed him an implacable hatred, as well as all the +Genevese. "Although La Popliniere has a friendship for you, do not," +said he, "depend upon his protection: he is still in love with his wife: +she hates you, and is vindictive and artful; you will never do anything +in that house." All this I took for granted. + +The same Gauffecourt rendered me much about this time, a service of which +I stood in the greatest need. I had just lost my virtuous father, who +was about sixty years of age. I felt this loss less severely than I +should have done at any other time, when the embarrassments of my +situation had less engaged my attention. During his life-time I had +never claimed what remained of the property of my mother, and of which he +received the little interest. His death removed all my scruples upon +this subject. But the want of a legal proof of the death of my brother +created a difficulty which Gauffecourt undertook to remove, and this he +effected by means of the good offices of the advocate De Lolme. As I +stood in need of the little resource, and the event being doubtful, I +waited for a definitive account with the greatest anxiety. + +One evening on entering my apartment I found a letter, which I knew to +contain the information I wanted, and I took it up with an impatient +trembling, of which I was inwardly ashamed. What? said I to myself, +with disdain, shall Jean Jacques thus suffer himself to be subdued by +interest and curiosity? I immediately laid the letter again upon the +chimney-piece. I undressed myself, went to bed with great composure, +slept better than ordinary, and rose in the morning at a late hour, +without thinking more of my letter. As I dressed myself, it caught my +eye; I broke the seal very leisurely, and found under the envelope a bill +of exchange. I felt a variety of pleasing sensations at the same time: +but I can assert, upon my honor, that the most lively of them all was +that proceeding from having known how to be master of myself. + +I could mention twenty such circumstances in my life, but I am too much +pressed for time to say everything. I sent a small part of this money to +my poor mamma; regretting, with my eyes suffused with tears, the happy +time when I should have laid it all at her feet. All her letters +contained evident marks of her distress. She sent me piles of recipes, +and numerous secrets, with which she pretended I might make my fortune +and her own. The idea of her wretchedness already affected her heart and +contracted her mind. The little I sent her fell a prey to the knaves by +whom she was surrounded; she received not the least advantage from +anything. The idea of dividing what was necessary to my own subsistence +with these wretches disgusted me, especially after the vain attempt I had +made to deliver her from them, and of which I shall have occasion to +speak. Time slipped away, and with it the little money I had; we were +two, or indeed, four persons; or, to speak still more correctly, seven or +eight. Although Theresa was disinterested to a degree of which there are +but few examples, her mother was not so. She was no sooner a little +relieved from her necessities by my cares, than she sent for her whole +family to partake of the fruits of them. Her sisters, sons, daughters, +all except her eldest daughter, married to the director of the coaches of +Augers, came to Paris. Everything I did for Theresa, her mother diverted +from its original destination in favor of these people who were starving. +I had not to do with an avaricious person; and, not being under the +influence of an unruly passion, I was not guilty of follies. Satisfied +with genteelly supporting Theresa without luxury, and unexposed to +pressing wants, I readily consented to let all the earnings of her +industry go to the profit of her mother; and to this even I did not +confine myself; but, by a fatality by which I was pursued, whilst mamma +was a prey to the rascals about her Theresa was the same to her family; +and I could not do anything on either side for the benefit of her to whom +the succor I gave was destined. It was odd enough the youngest child of +M. de la Vasseur, the only one who had not received a marriage portion +from her parents, should provide for their subsistence; and that, after +having along time been beaten by her brothers, sisters, and even her +nieces, the poor girl should be plundered by them all, without being more +able to defend herself from their thefts than from their blows. One of +her nieces, named Gorton le Duc, was of a mild and amiable character; +although spoiled by the lessons and examples of the others. As I +frequently saw them together, I gave them names, which they afterwards +gave to each other; I called the niece my niece, and the aunt my aunt; +they both called me uncle. Hence the name of aunt, by which I continued +to call Theresa, and which my friends sometimes jocosely repeated. It +will be judged that in such a situation I had not a moment to lose, +before I attempted to extricate myself. Imagining M. de Richelieu had +forgotten me, and having no more hopes from the court, I made some +attempts to get my opera brought out at Paris; but I met with +difficulties which could not immediately be removed, and my situation +became daily more painful. I presented my little comedy of Narcisse to +the Italians; it was received, and I had the freedom of the theatre, +which gave much pleasure. But this was all; I could never get my piece +performed, and, tired of paying my court to players, I gave myself no +more trouble about them. At length I had recourse to the last expedient +which remained to me, and the only one of which I ought to have made use. +While frequenting the house of M. de la Popliniere, I had neglected the +family of Dupin. The two ladies, although related, were not on good +terms, and never saw each other. There was not the least intercourse +between the two families, and Thieriot was the only person who visited +both. He was desired to endeavor to bring me again to M. Dupin's. M. de +Francueil was then studying natural history and chemistry, and collecting +a cabinet. I believe he aspired to become a member of the Academy of +Sciences; to this effect he intended to write a book, and judged I might +be of use to him in the undertaking. Madam de Dupin, who, on her part, +had another work in contemplation, had much the same views in respect to +me. They wished to have me in common as a kind of secretary, and this +was the reason of the invitations of Thieriot. + +I required that M. de Francueil should previously employ his interest +with that of Jelyote to get my work rehearsed at the operahouse; to this +he consented. The Muses Galantes were several times rehearsed, first at +the Magazine, and afterwards in the great theatre. The audience was very +numerous at the great rehearsal, and several parts of the composition +were highly applauded. However, during this rehearsal, very ill- +conducted by Rebel, I felt the piece would not be received; and that, +before it could appear, great alterations were necessary. I therefore +withdrew it without saying a word, or exposing myself to a refusal; +but I plainly perceived, by several indications, that the work, had it +been perfect, could not have suceeeded. M. de Francueil had promised me +to get it rehearsed, but not that it should be received. He exactly kept +his word. I thought I perceived on this occasion, as well as many +others, that neither Madam Dupin nor himself were willing I should +acquire a certain reputation in the world, lest, after the publication of +their books, it should be supposed they had grafted their talents upon +mine. Yet as Madam Dupin always supposed those I had to be very +moderate, and never employed me except it was to write what she dictated, +or in researches of pure erudition, the reproach, with respect to her, +would have been unjust. + +This last failure of success completed my discouragement. I abandoned +every prospect of fame and advancement; and, without further troubling my +head about real or imaginary talents, with which I had so little success, +I dedicated my whole time and cares to procure myself and Theresa a +subsistence in the manner most pleasing to those to whom it should be +agreeable to provide for it. I therefore entirely attached myself to +Madam Dupin and M. de Francueil. This did not place me in a very opulent +situation; for with eight or nine hundred livres, which I had the first +two years, I had scarcely enough to provide for my primary wants; being +obliged to live in their neighborhood, a dear part of the town, in a +furnished lodging, and having to pay for another lodging at the extremity +of Paris, at the very top of the Rue Saint Jacques, to which, let the +weather be as it would, I went almost every evening to supper. I soon +got into the track of my new occupations, and conceived a taste for them. +I attached myself to the study of chemistry, and attended several courses +of it with M. de Francueil at M. Rouelle's, and we began to scribble over +paper upon that science, of which we scarcely possessed the elements. +In 1717, we went to pass the autumn in Tourraine, at the castle of +Chenonceaux, a royal mansion upon the Cher, built by Henry the II, for +Diana of Poitiers, of whom the ciphers are still seen, and which is now +in the possession of M. Dupin, a farmer general. We amused ourselves +very agreeably in this beautiful place, and lived very well: I became as +fat there as a monk. Music was a favorite relaxation. I composed +several trios full of harmony, and of which I may perhaps speak in my +supplement if ever I should write one. Theatrical performances were +another resource. I wrote a comedy in fifteen days, entitled +'l'Engagement Temeraire',--[The Rash Engagement]-- which will be found +amongst my papers; it has no other merit than that of being lively. +I composed several other little things: amongst others a poem entitled, +'l'Aliee de Sylvie', from the name of an alley in the park upon the bank +of the Cher; and this without discontinuing my chemical studies, or +interrupting what I had to do for Madam Dupin. + +Whilst I was increasing my corpulency at Chenonceaux, that of my poor +Theresa was augmented at Paris in another manner, and at my return I +found the work I had put upon the frame in greater forwardness than I had +expected. This, on account of my situation, would have thrown me into +the greatest embarrassment, had not one of my messmates furnished me with +the only resource which could relieve me from it. This is one of those +essential narratives which I cannot give with too much simplicity; +because, in making an improper use of their names, I should either excuse +or inculpate myself, both of which in this place are entirely out of the +question. + +During the residence of Altuna at Paris, instead of going to eat at a +'Traiteurs', he and I commonly eat in the neighborhood, almost opposite +the cul de sac of the opera, at the house of a Madam la Selle, the wife +of a tailor, who gave but very ordinary dinners, but whose table was much +frequented on account of the safe company which generally resorted to it; +no person was received without being introduced by one of those who used +the house. The commander, De Graville, an old debauchee, with much wit +and politeness, but obscene in conversation, lodged at the house, and +brought to it a set of riotous and extravagant young men; officers in the +guards and mousquetaires. The Commander de Nonant, chevalier to all the +girls of the opera, was the daily oracle, who conveyed to us the news of +this motley crew. M. du Plessis, a lieutenant-colonel, retired from the +service, an old man of great goodness and wisdom; and M. Ancelet, + + [It was to this M. Ancelet I gave a little comedy, after my own + manner entitled 'les Prisouniers de Guerre', which I wrote after the + disasters of the French in Bavaria and Bohemia: I dared not either + avow this comedy or show it, and this for the singular reason that + neither the King of France nor the French were ever better spoken of + nor praised with more sincerity of heart than in my piece though + written by a professed republican, I dared not declare myself the + panegyrist of a nation, whose maxims were exactly the reverse of my + own. More grieved at the misfortunes of France than the French + themselves I was afraid the public would construe into flattery and + mean complaisance the marks of a sincere attachment, of which in my + first part I have mentioned the date and the cause, and which I was + ashamed to show.] + +an officer in the mousquetaires kept the young people in a certain kind +of order. This table was also frequented by commercial people, +financiers and contractors, but extremely polite, and such as were +distinguished amongst those of the same profession. M. de Besse, M. de +Forcade, and others whose names I have forgotten, in short, well-dressed +people of every description were seen there; except abbes and men of the +long robe, not one of whom I ever met in the house, and it was agreed not +to introduce men of either of these professions. This table, +sufficiently resorted to, was very cheerful without being noisy, and many +of the guests were waggish, without descending to vulgarity. The old +commander with all his smutty stories, with respect to the substance, +never lost sight of the politeness of the old court; nor did any indecent +expression, which even women would not have pardoned him, escape his +lips. His manner served as a rule to every person at table; all the +young men related their adventures of gallantry with equal grace and +freedom, and these narratives were the more complete, as the seraglio was +at the door; the entry which led to it was the same; for there was a +communication between this and the shop of Le Duchapt, a celebrated +milliner, who at that time had several very pretty girls, with whom our +young people went to chat before or after dinner. I should thus have +amused myself as well as the rest, had I been less modest: I had only to +go in as they did, but this I never had courage enough to do. With +respect to Madam de Selle, I often went to eat at her house after the +departure of Altuna. I learned a great number of amusing anecdotes, and +by degrees I adopted, thank God, not the morals, but the maxims I found +to be established there. Honest men injured, husbands deceived, women +seduced, were the most ordinary topics, and he who had best filled the +foundling hospital was always the most applauded. I caught the manners +I daily had before my eyes: I formed my manner of thinking upon that I +observed to be the reigning one amongst amiable: and upon the whole, very +honest people. I said to myself, since it is the custom of the country, +they who live here may adopt it; this is the expedient for which I +sought. I cheerfully determined upon it without the least scruple, and +the only one I had to overcome was that of Theresa, whom, with the +greatest imaginable difficulty, I persuaded to adopt this only means of +saving her honor. Her mother, who was moreover apprehensive of a new +embarrassment by an increase of family, came to my aid, and she at length +suffered herself to be prevailed upon. We made choice of a midwife, a +safe and prudent woman, Mademoiselle Gouin, who lived at the Point Saint +Eustache, and when the time came, Theresa was conducted to her house by +her mother. + +I went thither several times to see her, and gave her a cipher which I +had made double upon two cards; one of them was put into the linen of the +child, and by the midwife deposited with the infant in the office of the +foundling hospital according to the customary form. The year following, +a similar inconvenience was remedied by the same expedient, excepting the +cipher, which was forgotten: no more reflection on my part, nor +approbation on that of the mother; she obeyed with trembling. All the +vicissitudes which this fatal conduct has produced in my manner of +thinking, as well as in my destiny, will be successively seen. For the +present, we will confine ourselves to this first period; its cruel and +unforeseen consequences will but too frequently oblige me to refer to it. + +I here mark that of my first acquaintance with Madam D'Epinay, whose name +will frequently appear in these memoirs. She was a Mademoiselle D' +Esclavelles, and had lately been married to M. D'Epinay, son of M. de +Lalive de Bellegarde, a farmer general. She understood music, and a +passion for the art produced between these three persons the greatest +intimacy. Madam Prancueil introduced me to Madam D'Epinay, and we +sometimes supped together at her house. She was amiable, had wit and +talent, and was certainly a desirable acquaintance; but she had a female +friend, a Mademoiselle d'Ette, who was said to have much malignancy in +her disposition; she lived with the Chevalier de Valory, whose temper was +far from being one of the best. I am of opinion, an acquaintance with +these two persons was prejudicial to Madam D'Epinay, to whom, with a +disposition which required the greatest attention from those about her, +nature had given very excellent qualities to regulate or counterbalance +her extravagant pretensions. M. de Francueil inspired her with a part of +the friendship he had conceived for me, and told me of the connection +between them, of which, for that reason, I would not now speak, were it +not become so public as not to be concealed from M. D'Epinay himself. + +M. de Francueil confided to me secrets of a very singular nature relative +to this lady, of which she herself never spoke to me, nor so much as +suspected my having a knowledge; for I never opened my lips to her upon +the subject, nor will I ever do it to any person. The confidence all +parties had in my prudence rendered my situation very embarrassing, +especially with Madam de Francueil, whose knowledge of me was sufficient +to remove from her all suspicion on my account, although I was connected +with her rival. I did everything I could to console this poor woman, +whose husband certainly did not return the affection she had for him. +I listened to these three persons separately; I kept all their secrets so +faithfully that not one of the three ever drew from me those of the two +others, and this, without concealing from either of the women my +attachment to each of them. Madam de Francueil, who frequently wished to +make me an agent, received refusals in form, and Madam D'Epinay, once +desiring me to charge myself with a letter to M. de Francueil received +the same mortification, accompanied by a very express declaration, that +if ever she wished to drive me forever from the house, she had only a +second time to make me a like proposition. + +In justice to Madam D'Epinay, I must say, that far from being offended +with me she spoke of my conduct to M. de Francueil in terms of the +highest approbation, and continued to receive me as well, and as politely +as ever. It was thus, amidst the heart-burnings of three persons to whom +I was obliged to behave with the greatest circumspection, on whom I in +some measure depended, and for whom I had conceived an attachment, that +by conducting myself with mildness and complaisance, although accompanied +with the greatest firmness, I preserved unto the last not only their +friendship, but their esteem and confidence. Notwithstanding my +absurdities and awkwardness, Madam D'Epinay would have me make one of the +party to the Chevrette, a country-house, near Saint Denis, belonging to +M. de Bellegarde. There was a theatre, in which performances were not +unfrequent. I had a part given me, which I studied for six months +without intermission, and in which, on the evening of the representation, +I was obliged to be prompted from the beginning to the end. After this +experiment no second proposal of the kind was ever made to me. + +My acquaintance with M. D'Epinay procured me that of her sister-in-law, +Mademoiselle de Bellegarde, who soon afterwards became Countess of +Houdetot. The first time I saw her she was upon the point of marriage; +when she conversed with me a long time, with that charming familiarity +which was natural to her. I thought her very amiable, but I was far from +perceiving that this young person would lead me, although innocently, +into the abyss in which I still remain. + +Although I have not spoken of Diderot since my return from Venice, no +more than of my friend M. Roguin, I did not neglect either of them, +especially the former, with whom I daily became more intimate. He had a +Nannette, as well as I a Theresa; this was between us another conformity +of circumstances. But my Theresa, as fine a woman as his Nannette, was +of a mild and amiable character, which might gain and fix the affections +of a worthy man; whereas Nannette was a vixen, a troublesome prater, and +had no qualities in the eyes of others which in any measure compensated +for her want of education. However he married her, which was well done +of him, if he had given a promise to that effect. I, for my part, not +having entered into any such engagement, was not in the least haste to +imitate him. + +I was also connected with the Abbe de Condillac, who had acquired no more +literary fame than myself, but in whom there was every appearance of his +becoming what he now is. I was perhaps the first who discovered the +extent of his abilities, and esteemed them as they deserved. He on his +part seemed satisfied with me, and, whilst shut up in my chamber in the +Rue Jean Saint Denis, near the opera-house, I composed my act of Hesiod, +he sometimes came to dine with me tete-a-tete. We sent for our dinner, +and paid share and share alike. He was at that time employed on his +Essay on the Origin of Human Knowledge, which was his first work. When +this was finished, the difficulty was to find a bookseller who would take +it. The booksellers of Paris are shy of every author at his beginning, +and metaphysics, not much then in vogue, were no very inviting subject. +I spoke to Diderot of Condillac and his work, and I afterwards brought +them acquainted with each other. They were worthy of each other's +esteem, and were presently on the most friendly terms. Diderot persuaded +the bookseller, Durand, to take the manuscript from the abbe, and this +great metaphysician received for his first work, and almost as a favor, +a hundred crowns, which perhaps he would not have obtained without my +assistance. As we lived in a quarter of the town very distant from each +other, we all assembled once a week at the Palais Royal, and went to dine +at the Hotel du Panier Fleuri. These little weekly dinners must have +been extremely pleasing to Diderot; for he who failed in almost all his +appointments never missed one of these. At our little meeting I formed +the plan of a periodical paper, entitled 'le Persifleur'--[The Jeerer]-- +which Diderot and I were alternately to write. I sketched out the first +sheet, and this brought me acquainted with D'Alembert, to whom Diderot +had mentioned it. Unforeseen events frustrated our intention, and the +project was carried no further. + +These two authors had just undertaken the 'Dictionnaire Encyclopedique', +which at first was intended to be nothing more than a kind of translation +of Chambers, something like that of the Medical Dictionary of James, +which Diderot had just finished. Diderot was desirous I should do +something in this second undertaking, and proposed to me the musical +part, which I accepted. This I executed in great haste, and consequently +very ill, in the three months he had given me, as well as all the authors +who were engaged in the work. But I was the only person in readiness at +the time prescribed. I gave him my manuscript, which I had copied by a +laquais, belonging to M. de Francueil of the name of Dupont, who wrote +very well. I paid him ten crowns out of my own pocket, and these have +never been reimbursed me. Diderot had promised me a retribution on the +part of the booksellers, of which he has never since spoken to me nor I +to him. + +This undertaking of the 'Encyclopedie' was interrupted by his +imprisonment. The 'Pensees Philosophiquiest' drew upon him some +temporary inconvenience which had no disagreeable consequences. He did +not come off so easily on account of the 'Lettre sur les Aveugles',-- +[Letter concerning blind persons.]--in which there was nothing +reprehensible, but some personal attacks with which Madam du Pre St. +Maur, and M. de Raumur were displeased: for this he was confined in the +dungeon of Vincennes. Nothing can describe the anguish I felt on account +of the misfortunes of my friend. My wretched imagination, which always +sees everything in the worst light, was terrified. I imagined him to be +confined for the remainder of his life. I was almost distracted with the +thought. I wrote to Madam de Pompadour, beseeching her to release him or +obtain an order to shut me up in the same dungeon. I received no answer +to my letter: this was too reasonable to be efficacious, and I do not +flatter myself that it contributed to the alleviation which, some time +afterwards, was granted to the severities of the confinement of poor +Diderot. Had this continued for any length of time with the same rigor, +I verily believe I should have died in despair at the foot of the hated +dungeon. However, if my letter produced but little effect, I did not on +account of it attribute to myself much merit, for I mentioned it but to +very few people, and never to Diderot himself. + + + + +ETEXT EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS: + +I am charged with the care of myself only +I strove to flatter my idleness +Men of learning more tenaciously retain their predjudices + + + + +End of this Project Gutenberg Etext of The Confessions of Rousseau, v7 +by Jean Jacques Rousseau + diff --git a/old/jj07b10.zip b/old/jj07b10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b7a3b03 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/jj07b10.zip |