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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-14 20:12:45 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/39437-8.txt b/39437-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9862b18 --- /dev/null +++ b/39437-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1696 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 93, +December 10, 1887, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 93, December 10, 1887 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: April 12, 2012 [EBook #39437] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, LONDON CHARIVARI, DEC 10, 1887 *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Wayne Hammond, +Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + PUNCH, + + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOL. 93. + + DECEMBER 10, 1887 + + + THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P. + + FROM THE ROCHDALE RASPER (LATE THE BIRMINGHAM PET). + + _One Ash, Rochdale, Saturday._ + + DEAR TOBY, + +The address from which I write to you is familiar in the public ear in +connection with a long series which, such is the ignorance of mankind, I +have heard described as petulant, querulous, self-adulatory notes. I +have often wondered that it has not occurred to any one to notice the +singular appropriateness of the name of my humble home. It is not for +me, at my time of life, to claim anything like prescience of affairs. I +may have been right in my views of the succeeding events of the past +half-century, or I may have been wrong. I will just mention that my +friend, T-NN-S-N, who has a pretty faculty for poetry, once summed me up +in a couplet which I venture to think is not without its charm. "J-HN +BR-GHT," he wrote-- + + J-HN BR-GHT + Is always right. + +He told me in confidence that he had at one time contemplated a +eulogistic poem of some seventy or eighty lines, price to the +_Nineteenth Century_ a guinea each. But, having thrown off this couplet, +it appeared in itself so sufficient, so comprehensive yet so precise, +that amplification would have rather reduced than increased its value. +Therefore it remains a brilliant fragment. + +But I am wandering from the theme, which, in the present instance, is +not myself but my country address. What I thought might be interesting +to point out is the curious felicity of the nomenclature, and the +remarkable foresight of which it is proof. More than a generation ago it +received this singular appellation. At that time nothing seemed more +remote from ordinary apprehension than that in this year I should be +what we call "a Unionist," an ally and supporter of Lord S-L-B-RY, +pulling in the same boat as the H-M-LT-NS, and marching shoulder to +shoulder with ASHM-D B-RTL-TT. In those days I was wont to pour forth +torrents of angry contempt upon the Conservative party. D-SR-LI was my +wash-pot, over the Markiss I cast out my shoe; but even then my address +was One Ash, Rochdale. Do you begin to see what I mean? One Empire, One +Parliament, One Ash! Some of my old colleagues and disciples among the +Radicals scoff at me because of my new companions. But, as usual, I have +been right from the first. _I_ have always been what the _Marchioness_ +called a "wonner." What has happened is that the Liberal Party and my +old companions have moved away from me, whilst the Conservatives have +moved towards me. I am the same to-day as yesterday, or as these fifty +years past. "J-HN BR-GHT, always right," and any change of relationship +or appearance is due to the ineradicable error and fatal foolishness of +others. + +What I feel, dear TOBY, in reviewing a long and honourable life, is the +terrible feeling of monotony. I sometimes find myself envying ordinary +men like GL-DST-NE, who, looking back over their past life, can put +their hand down and say, "There I blundered, there I was misled by +circumstances." For a long time GL-DST-NE kept pretty straight--that is +to say I agreed with him. But he has gone wrong lamentably on this Irish +Question, and all the righteous acts of his life--that is to say, steps +in which he has chanced to walk in time with me--are obliterated. It is +true that, at one time, it was I who was the foremost Apostle of Irish +National feeling. At this date people with inconvenient memories are +constantly raking up passages in my speeches about Ireland, and the +English yoke which, except that they are too finely cut, and of too +noble a style of eloquence, would exactly suit GL-DST-NE to-day. I said +these things then, it is true, and then they were right. I do not say +them to-day, and therefore they are wrong. _Quod erat demonstrandum._ +(You will observe that since, with a distinguished friend, I have joined +the political company of gentlemen, I have forsaken my old habit of +keeping to the Saxon tongue, and sometimes, as here, I drop into Latin. +Occasionally I fall into French. _Autres temps, autres moeurs._) + +My nearest approach to human frailty, is, perhaps, to be found in a +certain measure of absence of suavity. It is perhaps possible that my +temper was,--I will not say soured, but--not sweetened by the vile +attacks made upon me personally by Irish Members in Parliament during +the last ten years. You remember what B-NT-NCK said about me? I don't +mean Big Ben, or Little Ben, but Lord GEORGE B-NT-NCK. "If BR-GHT," he +said, "had not been a Quaker, he would have been a prize-fighter." I +think there is about the remark some suspicion of lack of respect. But, +also, it is not without some foundation of truth. I admit an impulse to +strike back when I am hit; sometimes when I am not. Through two +Parliaments the ragged regiment that live upon the contributions of +their poor relations in domestic service in the United States have +girded at me in the House of Commons. This was my reward for the +rhetorical services I did for Ireland a quarter of a century ago. They +pummelled me, kicked me, dragged my honoured name in the dust, and spat +upon me in the market-place. That gross ingratitude I could never +forgive, and if in reprisal, the cause I once advocated suffers, can I +be held blameable? + +But this seems to be running into the groove of apology, and I never +apologised to anyone for anything in my life. For fear I should begin +now, I will close this letter, remaining, Your friend, J-HN BR-GHT. + +P.S.--I observe that in my haste I have not called you a fool, or +directly stigmatised as such anyone alluded to in this letter. I am +afraid this will be regarded as a sign of growing weakness. But I will +bring up the average in the next letter I write for publication. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DARWINIAN ANCESTOR + +_Composing the Song, "For O it is such a Norrible Tail!!"_ + + "Our ancestor was an animal which breathed water, had a + swim-bladder, a great swimming tail, and an imperfect + skull."--_Darwin to Lyell._] + +[Illustration: THE BABES IN THE CHRISTMAS WOOD. "The Cry is still they +come!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PUTTING _HIS_ FOOT IN IT. + +_She._ "AND DO YOU STILL SQUEEZE UP THE LADIES' FEET IN YOUR COUNTRY?" + +_He._ "ON THE CONTRARY, MADAM! THAT IS A _CHINESE_ CUSTOM. WE IN JAPAN +ALWAYS ALLOW THE LADIES' FEET TO GROW TO QUITE THEIR FULL SIZE. NOT THAT +ANY WOULD EVER RIVAL _YOURS_, MADAM!" + +[_Is delighted with his neat little Compliment!_] + + * * * * * + +THE BABES IN THE CHRISTMAS WOOD. + +The Publishers' Cantata. + +_Various well-known Publishing Firms in the guise of Forest-trees +discovered shedding their leaves._ + +GENERAL CHORUS. + + See Christmas is upon us and the world around us living, + Seeks us and asks the pretty gifts it soon would fain be giving. + The stories thrilling, tender, sweet, to suit all tastes and ages, + All gleaming with their covers gay and picture-covered pages; + The dainty illustrated leaf, the paper softly tinted, + In type, to suit young eyes and old, all exquisitely printed: + Of artist's pencil, author's pen, the choicest, fairest flower, + Behold as the glad season comes we thus upon you shower. + +MESSRS. BLACKIE & SONS. + + Christmas leaves? Would you pick up the handsomest ones, + First look at these scattered by BLACKIE & SONS. + Here tales of home life and adventure in plenty, + Have good names to vouch for them. Take G. A. HENTY, + In "Bonnie Prince Charlie" and "Orange and Green," + He lays first in Scotland, then Ireland his scene, + And thrills you with reading the hairbreadth escapes, + Of the heroes he rescues from numberless scrapes. + But while in "For the Temple," he ventures to tell + How in ages long past great Jerusalem fell; + Yet if less ancient horrors are more to your mind, + In the reign of the "Terror" material you'll find; + And if you would learn how pluck never goes wrong, + You've but to go straightway to "Sturdy and Strong." + Next ELIZABETH LYSAGHT in "Aunt Hesba's Charge," + On the virtues of old Maiden Aunts doth enlarge, + And relates in "Our General" by a small head, + How a family through all its trials may be led. + Then J. PERCY GROVES in "The War of the Axe," + Tells a stirring Cape story of Caffre attacks, + And "The Seven Wise Scholars" supply ASCOTT R. HOPE, + For knocking off seven good tales, ample scope, + He in "Old Renown" stories, too, brilliantly writes + Of the deeds done of old by brave heroes and knights; + While E. BROOKES harking back with his "Chivalric Days," + Of the boys and the girls of old times sings the praise. + "Girl Neighbours," allows SARAH TYTLER to say, + On the whole she prefers the girl of the day; + In "Miss Willowbrown's Offer," how traitors may fail, + SARAH DOWDNEY describes in a well-written tale. + With "The Babbling Teapot," to a little girl changed, + Mrs. CHAMPNEY has well into Wonderland ranged. + Out of "Willie," who here "Gutta Percha" is named, + GEORGE MACDONALD, an excellent story has framed, + And has shown how he finds life's troubles prove plastic, + Possessing a brain which his friends deem elastic. + In "The Princess" and "Goblin" he tries a new scheme, + And sweeps you along with his mystical theme; + But when she meets "Curdie" he now and then treads + On ground that is over his young readers' heads. + If a truant's adventures, fair reading you find, + The good ship "Atalanta," you'd bear in your mind, + And you'll follow "aboard" it, the hero whose fate + HENRY FRITH'S thrilling pages know how to relate. + Next in "Chirp and Chatter" from field and from tree, + Young children taught lessons by L. BANKS you'll see. + "Queen Maud," with her "orders" by LOUISA CROW, + Shows pride in a haughty young maiden brought low: + While in the "Squire's Grandson," J. CALLWELL proves how + A small boy can make up a family row. + The stories of WASA and MENZIKOFF tell + Two historical tales, and do it right well. + In his "Dick o' the Fens," one Fen,--MANVILLE FENN,-- + Gives some capital studies of Lincolnshire men; + But in "Sir Walter's Ward," the age of Crusades, + Mr. WILLIAM EVERARD brightly invades. + The "Girlhood" of "Margery Merton" relates, + The struggle that oft a young artist awaits, + And how in the end her brave efforts prevail, + ALICE CORKRAN unfolds in her well-written tale. + And if "Clogs," well selected for children to wear, + You're in need, AMY WALTON will find you "a pair." + If the "Secret" of "Rovers" is more to your taste, + HARRY COLLINGWOOD follow,--your time you'll not waste. + In field, forest, or stream, would you "Insect Ways" learn, + For their "Summer Day's" life to J. HUMPHREYS turn. + But to close:--GORDON BROWNE, whose famed pencil so skilled, + Of the foregoing pages so many has filled, + Crowns the whole by contributing last, but not least, + His new "Hop o' my Thumb" and "The Beauty and Beast." + +GEORGE ROUTLEDGE & SONS. + + Are you seeking for young children picture-books to please the eye? + Then your need GEORGE ROUTLEDGE and his Sons will readily supply. + Here's "Little Wide-Awake," designed to suit the earliest age, + Bound brightly, with a picture too on nearly every page; + And then there's "Sunny Childhood," with its colouring so gay, + Where Mrs. SALE BARKER has such pleasant things to say; + And in "Our Friends" and in "Our Home" she takes them by the hand, + And talks to little readers in the words they understand. + "Our Darlings," too, by MARS, show how our little darlings fare + Who by their MARS (and Pa's as well) are taken everywhere. + If "Fairy Tales" you're seeking, LABOULAYE'S collected lore, + With new ones, and unheard before, will furnish up your store. + And if young heroes of all climes should come within your scope, + You'll turn to "Youngsters' Yarns," and will have faith in ASCOTT HOPE. + Then "Herbert Massey's" doings in "Eastern Africa" you'll find, + Told by Commander CAMERON, quite of a thrilling kind. + "The Children of the New Forest," that MARRYAT wrote of yore, + PAUL HARDY and JOHN GILBERT join to illustrate once more. + "Round Nature's Dial," by H. M. BURNSIDE, tells full and clear + The shifting story of the times and seasons of the year. + The "Annual" for "Every Boy" affords all boys a treat, + Which, thanks to EDMUND ROUTLEDGE, may be held as quite complete. + Here "Caldecott's last 'Graphic' Pictures" come in handy guise, + While by her "Book" consulting, the "Young Lady" may grow wise. + How good we'd be if all, before they do, to think would tarry + On what Miss EDGEWORTH taught to "Lucy," "Rosamond," and "Harry." + "Natural History," Illustrated "for Young People," must do good, + As a text-book for young children, ably done by F. G. WOOD. + The "Funny Foxes and their Feats" and doings "at the Fair," + With some of ERNST GRISET'S happiest efforts may compare. + "The 'Shall Nots' of the Bible" and "Loving Links" combine, + In page illuminated, human verse and text divine. + "Play and Earnest" tells of children who their playing much enjoy, + In a story quaint and charming of a plucky little boy. + Then "Sunbeam Stories," "Storm" and "Sunshine," told in prose and + rhyme, + And "Stories" for a "Holiday," as also "Pets' Pastime." + These, with "Sindbad's" famed Adventures, new to many we suppose, + With KATE GREENAWAY'S bright Almanack our list must fitly close. + +MESSRS. MACMILLAN & CO. + + Surely "Little Miss Peggy" will work you the spell + Mrs. MOLESWORTH'S charmed pen weaves so deftly and well, + For this quaint little lady, with ways sweet and bright, + Her small nursery readers can't fail to delight. + In "An Unknown Country" pen and pencil beguile + Him who tempts it to visit his own Sister Isle. + The text he'll find art a true handmaid to wait on + In the exquisite work of F. NOEL PATON. + + * * * * * + +Christmas Cards. + + Of Christmas Cards a splendid show + This year! Wherever you may go + You see them. When you're told, you know + They're Christmas Cards. + In such a game of Cards the thing + Before the eyes of all to bring + Is Christmas, but they're Summer, Spring, + Most Christmas Cards. + + * * * * * + + Taking high rank among the Christmas Cards, + The artistic reproductions, MARCUS WARD'S, + Of two of RAPHAEL'S best-known Madonnas + Must, at this season, carry off the honours. + Both from one Pitti Palace--need we name them?-- + 'Twould be a thousand pities not to frame them. + +(AIR--"_King of the Cannibal Islands._") + + Here's an "Opal Souvenir," + Lovely _mem_ of present year, + And it comes from, as we hear, + HILDESHEIMER AND FAULKNER. + Among the Cards the best designs + Are those by WEEDON, WILSON, HINES, + BOTHAMS, DEALY also shines, + KILBURNE, DRUMMOND, on like lines, + WILLIAMSON, MAGUIRE too, + SIGIMUND, artistic crew, + All at work their best to do + For HILDESHEIMER AND FAULKNER. + +(AIR--"_Rare Ben._") + + RAPHAEL TUCK! + Here's luck! + Rejoice! no dumps! + Why, all your Cards are trumps! + And all applied + To merry Christmas-tide! + In these un-Christmas days, + _Punch_ says 'tis greatly to thy praise. + So, RAPHAEL TUCK, + My buck, + Here's luck! + +_To Mr. Punch._ + + "Such books, cards, and crackers," cries Poet, perplexed, + "As remain on the list, I will give 'in our next.'" + + * * * * * + +OUR DEBATING CLUB. + +_An apology--Eloquent Peroration by our Vice-President_--NAYLOR _offers +some critical remarks, and_ KIRKSTONE _relates a humorous anecdote_. + +I am in a position this week to redeem my promise, and raise the +hitherto impenetrable veil that has long shrouded the proceedings of the +Gargoyle Club from the Public Eye. In the exercise of the discretion +with which I have been entrusted, I have somewhat departed from the form +of report originally contemplated, and selected only the more striking +and characteristic deliverances of my fellow Gargoyles, interspersed +with such short notes and descriptions as may best serve to bring out +their several mannerisms and idiosyncrasies. Should I offend by this I +shall deeply regret it, but I find that there are traditions and customs +in the management of a facetious periodical which, however exacting and +absurd in themselves, must be respected by those who would furnish it +with literary matter. + +Having thus apologised in advance to any honourable Gargoyle who may +consider himself misrepresented or insufficiently reported, let me +present, as the first instalment of these papers, some extracts from +notes taken at a most instructive debate last session upon the motion +(brought forward by PLUMLEY DUFF; opposed by GASPARD HARTUPP), that: + +"In the opinion of this House, Science has been productive of more real +benefit to the Human Race than Art." + +Somehow, although I know that DUFF'S speech was compounded of plain +common sense interspersed with abundant facts (all DUFF'S speeches are +like that), I did not begin to take notes that evening until HARTUPP had +reached his peroration, which was in this form:-- + +"Sir," said HARTUPP (_with an inflection of unspeakable pathos in his +voice, which ought to make_ PINCENEY _shed tears--but does not_), +"before I sit down--before, Sir, I resume my seat,"--(_this solemnly, as +if he has a deep presentiment that he may never resume another +seat_)--"let me ask the Honourable Member who is responsible for the +Motion on the paper this evening--let me put to him this single inquiry, +this solitary question--and I shall await his answer with considerable +curiosity." ... (_Here_ HARTUPP _gazes with an air of challenge at_ +DUFF, _who, however, is drawing_ EUCLID'S _first proposition upon his +blotting-pad, an occupation which seems to absorb the whole of his +faculties for the moment_.) "Is he here to-night to deny the existence +of any good that is not visible, that is not tangible, that cannot be +measured with a tape, or weighed in scales? _Sir_, that is the +philosophy of the volatile sparrow, of the soulless hog, that skims the +vault of the azure empyrean, and wallows content in the mire of his +native sky--I _should_ say" (_with an air of careless concession to +prosaic accuracy_), "stye! That bird, Sir, that pig, like the Honourable +Proposer himself"--(_a titter here from the more frivolous_; DUFF _rubs +his nose, and evidently wonders whether_ HARTUPP _has been saying +anything worth noticing_)--"would find the universe none the poorer had +PRAXITELES carved nothing more immortal than an occasional cold fowl; +had HOMER swept his lyre, not in commemoration of the fall of an ancient +Troy, but to celebrate the rise of a new soap (HARTUPP _rather prides +himself on his talent for antithesis_); "and had TITIAN lavished all his +wealth of glowing colour and gorgeous hues upon the unretentive surface +of some suburban pavement! But, _Sir_, I hope that we, by our vote +to-night, will afford no encouragement to the gross and contemptible +materialism which is the curse of the present day, and of which, I am +compelled to add," (_here he glances reproachfully at the unconscious_ +DUFF, _who is sharpening a pencil_), "we have been afforded so +melancholy an example this evening. Let us proclaim to the world without +that we, as Gentlemen and as Gargoyles, repudiate, that we loathe, that +we abhor, that we abominate," (HARTUPP _seems to be screwing all these +verbs out of himself, and throwing them defiantly at_ DUFF,) "the +grovelling tendency of our animal nature to ignore the joys of the soul +and the pleasures of the intellect, and place its highest enjoyment in +the ignoble pursuit of creature comforts!" + +[_Here_ HARTUPP _sits down amidst applause, and applies himself +diligently to his whiskey-and-water_. + +At a later period in the evening, just as the debate was beginning to +languish, NAYLOR started to his feet with a long strip of paper which, +being shortsighted, he held close to his nose. NAYLOR invariably takes +elaborate notes, with the intention of pointing out and refuting the +errors of all previous speakers. Unfortunately, as he cannot always read +the notes, and seldom remembers the objections he meant to urge, his +criticisms are not as effective as could be desired. On this occasion, +NAYLOR said:--"I'm not going to make a speech, Sir, I only want to point +out one or two things which struck me as requiring to be met. I'll take +them in their order." (_Here he fumbles with his strip of paper, which +will get upside down when he wished to refer to it_). "Oh, here it is! +There was a Gargoyle who said--I believe it was the Proposer of this +motion--_didn't_ you?" (_To_ DUFF, _who shakes his head in solemn +disclaimer_). "Well, it was somebody, anyway, but he told us that----." +(_Here_ NAYLOR _again refers to his notes_). "I'm afraid I can't exactly +make out what he did say--but I don't agree with him. Then there was +another speaker who said, (I took it down at the time) that he'd rather +have a good traction-engine than the finest poem ever written! Well, my +reply to _that_ is----" (_here_ NAYLOR _has another wrestle with his +notes and comes up triumphant_) "that's _his_ opinion. I wouldn't. Next, +someone asked, 'What practical use was SHAKSPEARE to any man?'" (_A +pause._) "I've got an answer to that on my notes, somewhere, only I +can't find it. But, anyhow," (_cheerfully_) "I know it was rather +sticking up for SHAKSPEARE, to a certain extent. Then, didn't someone +else say, 'Music elevated the mind?'" (_A Member acknowledges the +responsibility of this bold sentiment._) "Well, I don't say it +doesn't--only, _how_? you know, that's the point!" (_A long pause, +during which_ NAYLOR _and his notes appears to be getting inextricably +involved_). "There was a lot of other things I meant to say, but I'm +afraid I don't quite remember them at this moment." + +With this, NAYLOR sat down suddenly, apparently very little depressed by +the total absence of applause--he knew that a fearless critic is never +popular. + +After that we had a little speech from dear old KIRKSTONE, who rose to +tell us an anecdote, which the subject had suggested to him. Appropriate +anecdotes are always occurring to KIRKSTONE, and he applies them in the +neatest and happiest manner, being gifted with the keenest sense of +humour of any one in our Society. In fact, the very keenness of +KIRKSTONE'S appreciation operates almost as a disadvantage, as will be +seen from the following extract, taken on the spot. + +_Kirkstone (rising, and playing with his watch-chain)._ "Sir, whilst +listening to the speeches of Honourable Members this evening, I could +not help being reminded of a story I heard the other day." (_Here a +slight spasm passes over his ample cheeks, and we all settle down in +delighted anticipation_). "There was an old farmer--one of the regular +old-fashioned sort." (_Faint preliminary chuckle down in_ KIRKSTONE'S +_throat_.) "Well, he had a daughter, who--_tchick!_--played on +the--_tehee!_--the piano, and one day he was induced to go in for +a"--(_convulsion, followed by sounds like the extraction of a very +refractory cork_)--"for a Steam-plough! Soon afterwards he happened to +meet a friend--another farmer, or the parson, I forget which, and it +don't signify. Well, and the friend asked 'how he got on with his +Steam-plough.' And the old farmer says--_hork-hork!_--he says, 'Don't +talk to me 'bout no Steam-plough--_ki-hee-hee!_--when there's my darter +at home, and she--_crick, crick, criggle!_' (KIRKSTONE _proceeds +gallantly, but is unintelligible until the close_)--'with her darned +pianner--_haw-haw-haw!_' Well, the House can apply the moral of that +themselves--I thought it was rather to the point myself. That's all I +got up to say." + +I am afraid KIRKSTONE thinks we are all of us rather dull. + + * * * * * + +A DRAMATIC ORATORIO. + +[Illustration] + +Mr. FREDERIC H. COWEN'S dramatic Oratorio, _Ruth_, was produced last +Thursday at St. James's Hall, and the verdict on the entire work from +"bar one" to bar last was emphatically favourable. The Composer has +nothing to regret on this score. The workmanship throughout is +thoroughly good, and in some instances admirable, though the First Part +is not distinguished by any very striking originality. + +In the Second Part, which begins appropriately with Harvest or "Half-est +time," Mr. BOAZ LLOYD gave a very trying _scena_ magnificently. But why +does he pronounce "excellent" as "ex_cee_lent?" Perhaps he has +ascertained on undeniable authority that this is the way _Boaz_ would +have pronounced it. _À propos_ of this eminent tenor, on one occasion, +not this, there was very nearly being a duel about his identity. An +Irish gentleman, turning to his friend, informed him, "That's SIMS +REEVES," whereupon his better informed companion returned, "He! LLOYD!" +which, but for a toimely explanation, begorra, would have led +to a challenge! + +To resume. The "Dance of Reapers and Gleaners" must have sounded rather +out of place in Worcester Cathedral, where _Ruth_ was first produced. In +the Chorus of the Reapers and Gleaners, who were not in the least out of +breath with their dance--but perhaps these had only been delighted +spectators--full justice was done to the finest number in the +Oratorio--at least, so it appeared to the humble individual who had the +honour of representing you on this occasion. Then in the duet, + + LLOYD and ALBANI + As _Boaz_ and _Ruth_, + Were perfect, no blarney, + I'm telling the truth. + +The applause was enthusiastic: indeed, not only in this instance, but +throughout the performance, these two sang magnificently. _Boaz_ must +have been a very kind man; at all events, as _Boaz_ and _Ruth_ are +invariably heard of together, it is clear that he could never be accused +of being Ruthless. + +Now, just one question: the Book of Words with musical phrases, is sold +in the room, and on the title-page we read that "the words are +selected,"--most judiciously too--by Mr. JOSEPH BENNETT, and "the Book +of Words" is fitted "with analytical notes by JOSEPH BENNETT,"--though +we should have thought that Mr. COWEN'S notes were sufficient by +themselves. Then we find the analytical Noter saying at the end of Part +I., "_The assertion may safely be made, that no poetical situation in +dramatic Oratorio, has been treated more successfully than the +foregoing._" Now, suppose this were a book of a new Opera, would it be +right and proper for the librettist who had adapted the subject from +SHAKSPEARE, for example, to give his opinion on the work of his +_collaborateur_? Wouldn't this be taking an unfair advantage of his +position? It doesn't matter in this case, as I perfectly agree with him, +but it is the principle, whatever it may be, for which I contend, and +sign myself, + + Your Musical Representative, PETER PIPER. + + * * * * * + +UNCLE REMUS ON C. S. P-RN-LL.--"Brer Fox he lay low." + + * * * * * + +SHOWS VIEWS. + +[Illustration] + +Amongst entertainments of a pleasing character the performances of "Mr. +and Mrs. GERMAN REED" hold their own gallantly. At the present moment a +little play called _Tally Ho_ is occupying the boards, much to the +delight of those serious pleasure-seekers who consider a box at a +theatre wicked, but find no particular harm in the stalls of St. +George's Hall. Mr. ALFRED REED and Miss FANNY HOLLAND are as amusing as +ever, and the music is all that could be desired. The dialogue of the +piece, or entertainment, or whatever it is, is not too new. I fancy the +author must have seen _London Assurance_, and listened to _Lady Gay +Spanker's_ description of the fox chase. And having seen the piece and +heard the speech, possibly read the burlesque thereon by the late +GILBERT ABBOTT À BECKETT, in the _Scenes from Rejected Comedies_, +published as long ago as the forties. "How time flies!" as a lady behind +me observed, after expressing her opinion that Mr. CORNEY GRAIN was +better than his pupil--JOHN PARRY! "I remember him as far back as a +quarter of a century," continued the fair dame, "and didn't you hear him +say he was over fifty years old when he sang that song calling himself +an old fogey?" Mr. GRAIN fails to do himself justice when he assumes an +elderly air inconsistent with the number of his summers. Such an +assumption can but cause pain--to his contemporaries! + +On Thursday last _The Woman Hater_ was produced for the first time in +London at Mr. TERRY'S Theatre (on the grounds that familiarity breeds +contempt, I prefer to allow the actor to retain his titular prefix), +with more or less success. On the whole I condole with our country +cousins if they have been allowed to see this strange play very +frequently. Personally I would not care to form a part of any audience +at Mr. TERRY'S Theatre during its run, which I am bound to add I am +afraid will not be a long one. The construction of the three-act farce +(as it is called) is feeble in the extreme, and suggests that the +author, from a literary point of view, has a great deal to learn. I do +not think (unless his future pieces are very unlike _The Woman Hater_) +that he will have much chance of gaining a permanent position in the +Temple of Fame. This is merely a matter of opinion, but, speaking for +myself, had I a theatre (which I should call of course Mr. Thingembob's +Theatre, or the Theatre Royal Dash Blank, Esq.), I believe I should +somehow or other instinctively avoid the works of Mr. DAVID LLOYD for +some time to come. That is to say if he confined his pen to farce and +comedy. It is quite possible he may be much more at home in tragedy. As +a fact, there is a sort of gloomy glamour about _The Woman Hater_ that +suggests the reflection that, after all, the play might have been more +exciting if a murder had been skilfully introduced into Act I., and it +had been written throughout in blank verse. I think the lover, _Tom +Ripley_, might thus have been murdered with or without (for preference, +with) his sweetheart. Early in Act II. the character very nicely played +by Mr. KEMBLE might have committed suicide, with one or two others; for +choice, others. Act III. might have been allowed (after the necessary +alterations had been made to fit it to the requirements of the novel +development of the original plot) to stand as it is. In its present form +the incidents connected with the spiriting away (after a desperate and +revolting fight with the keepers) of the hero to a Lunatic Asylum, are, +to say the least, unpleasant. Mr. BISHOP, as the psychological +specialist (the resident medical superintendent of the licensed house), +was excellent. It is a question, however, whether those well-intentioned +representatives of the LORD CHANCELLOR, the Commissioners in Lunacy, +would have been entirely satisfied with his action in connection with +the incarceration of one sane patient in the place of another patient +equally free from mental disease. But that is a matter affecting the +author rather than the player. Miss M. A. VICTOR, as a widow lady of +great wealth and superior position, was, of course, quite in her +element, and gave an admirable sketch of a British matron from Belgravia +or Mayfair. Mr. TERRY, too, deserves a word of praise for his own droll +performances, which caused more than once, on the first night, a burst +of hearty laughter. Pleasantry apart, in spite of the acting, good all +round, I fear _The Woman Hater_ will soon have to return to the +provinces, to make room for something just a little better suited to the +London requirements of Mr. TERRY and the audiences of Mr. TERRY'S +Theatre. + + * * * * * + +NEW BOOK.--_The Green Ways of England._ By a Warwickshire Man. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SO VERY LIKELY. + +_Small Rustic (to Brown, whose Champion North-Caspian Bear-hound has +just gobbled up one of Farmer Rackstraw's Prize Rabbits, which had got +out of the hutch)._ "IF YER'LL GI' ME TUPPENCE, ZUR, I'LL SWEAR _IT WOS +THE RABBIT AS BEGUN IT_!"] + + * * * * * + +ON THE WRONG SCENT. + +_Master of Hounds, loquitur_:-- + + "_Slow in pursuit, but matched in mouths like bells. + Each under each._" So SHAKSPEARE'S _Theseus_ tells + The merits of his tuneful Spartan pack. + Would I could echo it concerning mine! + Tut, tut! They're off again on their own line. + Come back, ye fools, come back! + + I envy _Theseus_! Just the sort of hounds + For a true Tory huntsman; kept in bounds + By discipline none ventures to defy. + With such a pack I should be well content; + But some of mine are keen on a false scent, + And off on a wild cry. + + Oh, these young dogs! They think disorder's dash; + Heedless of horn, rebellious to the lash; + Just now, too, when our quarry is so clear! + Oh, hang the howling, yelping, whimpering lot! + On a fine herring-trail the fools have got. + They'll spoil the chase, I fear. + + Come back! Come back! What, "VINCENT," "BARTLETT," ho! + This sort of thing won't pay at all, you know. + We are not, now, after _that_ sort of game. + Ah, sweet _Sir Roger_, our _Spectator's_ friend. + What would you say to this? Come, let it end. + For shame, ye curs, for shame! + + ADDISON'S "good old Knight" was happier far. + In his well-ordered pack the casual jar + Of a raw dog or "noted Liar" met + No recognition; no, "he might have yelped + His heart out," but the row had nothing helped + The hounds astray to set. + + Here be "notorious Liars" in full force + (The epithet is technical, of course). + "TORRINGTON," back! Back, "STANLEY"! "ECROYD," back! + Heed "the old hounds of reputation" here. + This shindy must be stopped, or 'twill, I fear, + Demoralise the pack! + + * * * * * + +THE OLDEST SKETCHING CLUB IN THE WORLD. + +At the house of NAT LANGHAM young men were taught how to use their hands +skilfully years agone; at the home of _the_ LANGHAM their hands are +trained with equal care and discretion, with a different end in view. At +the former they were excited, at the latter they are soothed. The +spirits of the last are finer, if less ardent, than those of the first. +Friday cannot be unlucky, for all their sketches are produced on that +proverbially unfortunate day. A subject is given, and in two hours, over +pipes and coffee, it is completed. Marvellous these rapid acts of +sketchmanship! The Impressionists nowhere! The result? Well, go to the +Gallery, 23, Baker Street. Look at the collection of pictures--on the +two hours' system--by Messrs. STACEY MARKS, CALDERON, FRED WALKER, +HODGSON, CATTERMOLE, B. W. LEADER, CHARLES KEENE, E. HAYES, H. MOORE, +VICAT COLE, FRANK DICKSEE, E. DUNCAN, C. J. LEWIS, F. WEEKES, CARL HAAG, +and other clever gentlemen, and see if _Mr. Punch_ is not right in his +commendation. The Langham Sketching Club has existed over half a +century, and this is its first public exhibition. Ah! well, it is never +too late to mend. + + * * * * * + +The Winter's Tale at the Lyceum. + + There's a charm in her innocent glances, + A charm in her step when she dances, + For _Perdita_, "nary + A one," like our MARY, + The sweetest of Sweet Willum's fancies. + + To those who may not have heard it, a + Chance most distinct will be _Perdita_. + So, see now, we say, + MARY ANDERSON play, + You'll regret, when too late you've deferred it, Ah! + + * * * * * + +The Latest and Best from Berlin. + +The Crown Prince was reported last week to be decidedly better. May it +be so, and so go on. "His Imperial Highness," wrote the Correspondent of +the _Standard_, "continues to express the fullest confidence in Sir +MORELL MACKENZIE." And _Mr. Punch_, in the name of all Englishmen who +are uninfluenced by any feeling akin to professional jealousy, "says +ditto," to the Crown Prince. _Prosit!_ + + * * * * * + +Mrs. R. is astonished that the English do not name streets and places +after the names of their great Poets and their works. She says she only +remembers two exceptions; one was a _Hamlet_ in the Country, and the +other was _Wandsworth_; the latter being so called after the Poet who +wrote _The Excursion_,--probably, she thinks, a cheap excursion to this +very spot, which is within a cab-fare of town. + + * * * * * + +The Third Edition of Mr. FRITH'S Recollections is now out. We hear it is +dedicated to Archdeacon SUMNER, and that the motto selected is the +nautical quotation, "Port it is!" + +[Illustration: ON THE WRONG SCENT. + +LORD SALISBURY, M.F.H. "CONFOUND THOSE YOUNG HOUNDS!--THEY'RE TAKING A +LINE OF THEIR OWN!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PIG-HEADED ATTACK ON THE IMMORTAL BARD.] + + * * * * * + +A DISPUTED WILL. + +DEAR SIR,--Mr. DONNELLY'S cryptogram, showing BACON to be the author of +all SHAKSPEARE'S plays, is a wonderful discovery. The principle only +needs to be applied with sufficient ingenuity and perseverance, to +revolutionise the whole field of literary history. I myself have only +had time to apply it in a few instances, but have already got the really +valuable result that NEGRETTI and ZAMBRA wrote most of the works of +MILTON. DAY and MARTIN LUTHER wrote _Sandford and Merton_, and Sir +WALTER SCOTT wrote the ballad with the refrain "_Two Lovely Black +Eyes_." CHARLES THACKERAY'S works were entirely written by WILLIAM +MAKEPEACE DICKENS. Hence the cryptogrammatic name. I am working as hard +at the theory as the somewhat unelastic rules of this establishment will +permit, and this morning I caught a cryptogram crawling up the +window-pane. Aha! excuse my glove, I must dissemble, + + _Colney-Hatchwell_. Yours, THE "B" IN BOTH. + +SIR,--You are performing a truly noble and philanthropic work in +throwing open your columns to a subject which must inevitably seem +"_caviare_ to the general" (BACON). To myself, personally, the raising +of the controversy at the present time is annoying, because I happen to +have hit independently on exactly the same idea as Mr. DONNELLY'S; viz., +that there is an underground narrative running through SHAKSPEARE. +DARWIN and WALLACE, you may remember, discovered the origin of species +simultaneously, so why not I and DONNELLY the origin of SHAKSPEARE? But +my cryptogram leads to an entirely different result from Mr. DONNELLY'S, +who has, I am certain, being led off on a false scent. Instead of +multiplying every 270th word, as he does, by the number of full-stops in +the page, and then dividing the result by the number of years during +which ANNE HATHAWAY is supposed to have resided at Stratford-on-Avon, he +should first have discovered the total quantity of words in all +SHAKSPEARE'S plays and sonnets, and after that the quantity in the +_Novum Organon_; then reducing the probable salary which BACON received +as Lord Chancellor, _each year_, down to farthings, he should have +divided (_not_ multiplied) them all into each other, and brought them to +decimals, and then applied _that_ result to the plays. The process is a +little complicated, but I can't make it clearer at present. Anyhow, the +entrancing interest of the story so obtained can be judged from the +headings of the chapters. + +"Lord BACON arrives at Stratford disguised as a bargee. His midnight +visit to SHAKSPEARE'S house. The poaching plot hatched. In the +churchyard. The Ghost among the tombs. The Ghost discovered to be Queen +ELIZABETH, who had followed BACON to Stratford disguised as a Tilbury +fish-wife. The Queen buried alive in Stratford churchyard by BACON and +SHAKSPEARE. The good Vicar bribed. Their scheme to dress up ANNE +HATHAWAY as Queen. Its success. ANNE HATHAWAY reigns twenty years, +everybody taking her for ELIZABETH. SHAKSPEARE (stricken with remorse) +appears suddenly at the bedside of BACON. Threatens to disclose all. +BACON murders SHAKSPEARE. Takes all SHAKSPEARE'S Plays (hitherto +unacted, having been rejected by the Managers of the period as 'wholly +devoid of dramatic power') out of his pocket, and produces them next day +as his own. Success of this plot also. How BACON repents at last. +Invents the Cryptogram. Inserts it in the Plays on his deathbed." + +You will see from this abstract that there are elements of far greater +interest in my theory than in Mr. DONNELLY'S, and my publishers +sincerely trust that you will insert this letter, as a gratuitous +advertisement may help the sale of my forthcoming work, entitled, _Who +Killed Shakspeare and Queen Elizabeth?_ + + Your obedient servant, ARTFUL PLODDER. + +SIR,--Surely it is impossible to doubt any longer that BACON wrote +_Hamlet_. Why, in that play you find him actually confessing his +cowardice in not claiming the authorship of his own plays! What else +_can_ these words mean? + + "What should such fellows as I do crawling between earth and heaven? + We are _arrant knaves all_." + +Then occurs this truly remarkable sentence:-- + + "God hath given you one face, and you make yourselves another." + +Given _whom_? Why, BACON himself! Did he not make his face into +another's, namely, SHAKSPEARE'S? The case is as clear as noonday. Let +the insular cavillers at DONNELLY, just because he is an American, hide +their diminished heads. + + ANTI-HUMBUG. + +DEAR SIR,--Would one of your readers kindly inform me how Friar BACON +could have written SHAKSPEARE? I see by _Little Arthur's History of +England_ that the former lived three hundred years before SHAKSPEARE was +born. This seems to be a conclusive proof that Mr. DONNELLY is wrong; +but though I am very fond of history, I do not profess to be a great +historical critic. + + TILLY SLOWBOY. + +SIR,--In looking over _Macbeth_, I have found a really remarkable +confirmation of Mr. DONNELLY'S cryptographic story. The story relates +how, when CECIL told Queen ELIZABETH that SHAKSPEARE'S plays were +treasonable, she "rises up, beats HAYWARD with her crutch, and nearly +kills him." In Act III., Scene 4, of _Macbeth_, occurs this line,-- + + "It will have blood; they say, blood will have blood"-- + +_i.e._, Queen ELIZABETH, being a person of good blood, or high lineage, +_will_ have blood, _i.e._, from the head of the person she beats with +the crutch. + +A few lines further on is a striking confirmation of this. + +_Macbeth_ says,-- + + "How say'st thou, that MACDUFF denies his person + At our great bidding?" + +_Macduff_ here is cryptographic for SHAKSPEARE. When summoned by the +Queen to answer CECIL'S charge, SHAKSPEARE _did_ deny his person at her +bidding. Mr. DONNELLY'S is a great discovery. The world _does_ advance, +in spite of Lord SALISBURY. Yours, RADICAL. + +DEAR SIR,--How long will the British public allow an impudent Yankee to +lead it astray? Mr. DONNELLY has evidently never read my historical +novel, _A Tale of the Invincible Armada_, which somehow failed to meet +with the enthusiasm it deserved, or he would know that CECIL valued +SHAKSPEARE most highly. In my book he never addresses the Bard without +saying, "Marry, Gossip," or "I' faith, good coz." I am sure your readers +will be glad of this information; also to hear that I am bringing out a +cheap popular edition of the same book, price only three-and-sixpence. +Order at once, Yours, M. AINCHANCE. + +SIR,--Perhaps, after all, the best solution of the SHAKSPEARE-BACON +puzzle is one analogous to that suggested by a learned Don in the HOMER +controversy--viz., that the person who wrote the plays was not +SHAKSPEARE, but another man of the same name. + + Yours, COMMONSENSICUS ACADEMICUS. + + * * * * * + +LORD SALISBURY'S SHAKSPEARE. + + "'The policy of worry' shan't be strained; + They'll drop it in my gentle reign next Session." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "AN OPPORTUNIST." + +_He._ "OH, EMIL----MISS CRUMPCHER--CAN--HAVE YOU EVER LOVED?" + +_She._ "N--NOT THIS SEASON!"] + + * * * * * + +A WOULD-BE "LITERARY GENT."--The following is from the _Daily +Telegraph_:-- + + LITERARY.--A gentleman who erst wrote for recreation, is driven, + through cruel misfortune, to resume his pen for a livelihood. + Fugitive lines, reviews of English, French, and Italian literature, + topics of the day. + +What a condescension! How good of him! He "first wrote for +recreation"--whose?--his own probably, and that of his friends who were +as easily amused as were those of Mr. PETER MAGNUS,--who signed himself +P.M., or afternoon, for the entertainment of his correspondents,--and +now he is "driven through cruel misfortune to resume his pen." Very +cruel! Perhaps already his friends are beginning to suffer from this +spiteful freak of Fortune. But as he can knock off with ease a variety +of literary work, he is rather to be envied than pitied; and already he +may be on the high road to literary fame which he will despise, and +solid wealth which he will appreciate. + + * * * * * + +THE NEW SIXPENCE.--On the face is to be the QUEEN'S effigy with +inscription, and on the reverse its value inscribed, surrounded by an +olive-branch and an oak-branch. More appropriate for the face would have +been the QUEEN'S effigy surrounded by olive-branches. + + * * * * * + +M. PASTEUR is the man for the successful treatment of hydrophobia. Does +the Australasian Government appeal to him for assistance because it +finds itself in a rabbit state? + + * * * * * + +O'BRIEN'S BREECHES. + +(_Humbly imitated from Henry Luttrel's "Burnham Beeches."_) + + A Bard, dear Muse, who pluck would sing, + Your friendly aid beseeches. + Help me to touch the lyric string + On--brave O'BRIEN'S breeches! + + What though the splendour of my lines + To SWINBURNE'S height ne'er reaches? + The theme, if not the thrummer, shines; + That theme's--O'BRIEN'S breeches! + + They wouldn't let O'BRIEN talk, + Or make "seditious" speeches. + They quodded him, his plans to baulk, + And--tried to bag his breeches! + + But brave O'BRIEN'S blood did burn + (Say, who his pluck impeaches?) + He up and swore in accents stern, + "I _won't_--wear convict breeches!" + + Those gaolers deep about him hung, + They stuck to him like leeches. + But he, the eloquent of tongue, + Stuck to--O'BRIEN'S breeches! + + If "sermons be in stones," I'll bet + A prison patience teaches. + The prisoner to bed must get; + They watched--and boned his breeches! + + The captive of the cold complains, + His breechless bones it reaches. + But yield? No, rather he remains + In bed--without his breeches! + + In vain the prison-clothes they show; + Badge of dishonour each is. + Patriots prefer to lie below + Bed-clothes--without their breeches! + + But friends unto the dungeon hie, + No gaoler marks (or peaches), + They hand O'BRIEN, on the sly, + _Another_ pair of breeches! + + Black BALFOUR'S myrmidons are fooled! + A lesson high this teaches: + A plucky people is not ruled + By--stealing patriot's breeches! + + BRIAN BORU they sang of yore, + But when her goal she reaches, + Erin will sing, from shore to shore, + O'BRIEN--and his breeches! + + Her bards will praise the patriot true, + His long and fiery speeches, + His bearding BALFOUR'S brutal crew; + But, above all,--his breeches! + + Oh, ne'er may the potheen pass round + But--Erin so beseeches-- + The Isle may with one theme resound,-- + O'BRIEN--and his breeches! + + Hold! Though I'd fain be jingling on, + One rhyme, experience teaches, + You can't ring on for aye! I've done. + Farewell, O'BRIEN'S breeches! + + * * * * * + +The Shakspearian Question. + +_An Actor's opinion on the Bacon v. Shakspeare controversy, expressed in +a strictly professional cryptogrammatic style._ + +"SHAKSPEARE written by a chap called BACON, my boy? Very likely; I +always found 'lots of fat' in it." + +_Another (at Brighton, by an Ancient Mariner who sticks to the "Old +Ship")._ + +"BACON wrote SHAKSPEARE? Well, perhaps he did. He was a clever chap, was +dear old ARTHUR BACON; but still, somehow, I don't think he wrote +SHAKSPEARE. At least not all of it." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 54. + +THE PARLIAMENTARY CATTLE-SHOW.] + + * * * * * + +ON THEATRICAL PICTURE-POSTERS. + +SIR,--I used to be a very regular attendant at the Theatres. I am not so +now, and I find that by staying away, I have time at my disposal, which +I never had before, for reading, study, and social intercourse. I save +my money and preserve my health. And for this I have most sincerely to +thank the Managers of our London Theatres, who, within the last few +years, have adopted a style of pictorial advertisement, which, though +possibly attractive to simple-minded folk, or restless youth, exercises +a singularly deterrent effect on the middle-aged playgoer, and on all +imaginative and timid persons, especially of the feminine gender. + +For example, speaking as a mediævalist, or one of the middle-ages, if I +see a huge coloured picture on a hoarding representing several +sensational situations which form a frame for the culminating horror of +the play in the centre, as an old stager I know that play from beginning +to end, and take in the whole plot at a glance. I can imagine the +dialogue without doing much injury to the author, and, as I have seen +the principal actors and actresses, I can, in my own mind, furnish the +piece with a cast probably far superior to that at the particular +theatre where the melodrama, thus pictorially advertised, is being +performed. The scenery and costumes I have before me on the hoarding. +This applies to several theatres. As to timid ladies they shrink from +seeing the realisation of the terrible situations depicted on the +picture-poster. They have seen quite enough: they will wait until +something less startling shall be substituted for this display of crime, +cruelty, and violence. + +It is really very kind of the Managers to provide for outsiders in this +way, but the outsiders remain outsiders, and have no desire to enter +these chambers of Dramatic Horrors. As a supporter of shows and +exhibitions, with considerable experience, I know well enough that the +representation outside the booth is very much superior to the reality +within; for example, the outside picture of a Fat Woman exaggerates the +corpulence of the Lady on view inside the caravan; the Mermaid is most +attractive in the picture, probably floating about playing a harp, while +the reality is a dummy figure composed of a monkey's and cat's skin sewn +together and stuffed. I hope the Managers will develop their pictorial +advertisements still further; I speak selfishly, as if everyone takes my +view, where will the audiences be? + +The only advertisements that ever attract me, and cause me to say, "Ah! +I should like to see _that_!" are those which, on closer inspection, +I find to be only the artistic trade-marks of some new soap, +beetle-powder, peculiar whiskey, sewing machines, or soothing syrup. +Pray, Sir, do all you can to encourage Theatrical Art in Mural +Decorations, and save the time and money of, + + Yours, PATER FAMILIAS. + +P.S.--I shall take my boys in holiday time the round of the hoardings, +and tell them all about the plays. Cheap entertainment, eh? + + * * * * * + +Mr. BLUNDELL MAPLE, M. P. elect for Dulwich--not by any means a dullidge +sort of constituency in the opinion of the Conservative Candidate's +Agent--is to be congratulated on attaining his majority. When he has +prepared his maiden speech for the House, he may hum to himself:-- + + "Now I'm furnished, Now I'm furnished for my flight!" + + * * * * * + +THE FUTURE POSITION OF THE ARMY. + +_A Sketch founded on the Suggestions of "The Greatest Briton."_ + +PART I.--_Before the G. B. took the matter in hand._ + +"I am heartily glad you have come," said the Commander-in-Chief +(patented), throwing down the _Fortnightly_, "because this article upon +the present condition of the Army, by the Author of _Greater Britain_, +has put me out completely." + +[Illustration: "En Retraite."] + +"I glanced at it, but could not get through it," replied _the_ Field +Marshal. "What does he say?" + +"Well, so far as I can make out, that in the time of war all the Militia +will be drafted into the Army, and all the Coast Guards into the Navy, +and both will disappear together with the Army and the Navy in the first +battle." + +"Anything else?" + +"Well," continued GEORGE RANGER, re-opening the Magazine, "he seems to +think that we have got enough men, if we can't get more, but that we +must defend India with the aid of compulsory service, although, for +various 'religious and commercial reasons, almost peculiar to England, +the non-adoption of Conscription is certain." + +"From this I take it the article is slightly mixed?" + +"It is--and I am bothered entirely!" replied the poor Duke, who had a +habit, when worried, of returning to the brogue he used as Prince GEORGE +in Ireland, in his youth. "What will I do? Look there now, we have cut +down everything to starvation proportions, to please Lord GRANDOLPH, to +say nothing of upsetting the entire machinery of the War Office, to save +the salary of the Surveyor-General of the Ordnance. Sure, what more will +I do?" + +"Read this," replied _the_ Field Marshal, giving to H. R. H. a packet. +"If War is declared, open it, and act upon the orders contained in it." + +And, with this, _Punch_, the greatest modern strategist, bowed, and +retired. + +PART II.--_After the G. B. took the matter in hand._ + +Two months later Europe, shaken by the mightiest conflict of this +century, was beginning to regain her composure. It would be unwise (for +it might offend foreign susceptibilities) to give the names of the +victories that had added fresh lustre to the British arms. Suffice it to +say that not a single reverse had been recorded. Once more _the_ Field +Marshal entered the room of the Commander-in-Chief (patented). + +"Well, GEORGE, how goes it?" asked the foremost soldier of the age. The +Commander-in-Chief (patented) fell upon his knees and kissed the spurs +of his master's boots. + +"Nay, this show of gratitude is pleasing, but embarrassing. Remember, +GEORGE, you are of Royal Blood," and _the_ Field-Marshal gently and +kindly assisted the Patented One to rise. + +"I cannot help it," returned GEORGE, with a burst of almost painful +emotion. "You have done so much for us." + +"Not at all," observed _Punch_ with a smile, "that packet certainly +contained a few suggestions of some value." + +"Why, they saved the country! How should we have horsed the Cavalry and +Artillery, if we had not entered on peace contracts with the Directors +of Pickford's, the London General Omnibus Company, the Road Cars, the +Tramways, and the Herne Bay Bathing Machine Owners. The last were not +easily persuaded to act with us, as somehow the requisition of their +quadrupeds seemed to interfere with the success of the Thanet Harriers." + +"But they gave in at last?" + +"Certainly, patriotism was the rule without exception. Then the +compulsory service of their _employés_ in the Volunteers, insisted upon +by all the West End Tradesmen and employers of labour throughout the +land, had the best effects. Why some of the finest troops in the world +came from SCHOOLBRED'S, WHITELEY'S, the Army and Navy Stores, and SMITH +AND SONS." + +"And the Inns of Court, the Universities, and the Medical Colleges also +insisted upon continued efficient service in the Volunteer ranks to +secure the advantage of audience in the Courts and Registration as +Doctors, didn't they?" + +"Certainly! Oh, it was grand! Then we got as much Cavalry as we required +from the farmers, and the Yeomanry, and purchased the entire stock of +guns from the Continent.--Just as you told me to do." + +"Quite right," said _Punch_, "after all, guns and ammunition are only a +question of figures. I suppose the British Army in India was recalled +home and distributed amongst the Colonies, as I suggested, and the +Native Troops that were not quite trustworthy treated in the same +manner?" + +"Assuredly, yes, and they have given an admirable account of themselves +in Australia and Canada." Then GEORGE hesitated. "But you would not tell +me how you supplied their places in India. You merely asked for +transport for your Army of Reserves." + +"Quite so," said _Punch_, with a smile. "But, now that peace is decided +upon, and all but declared, I need keep silence no longer. The fact is, +I fought the Russians with an Army of Germans and Italians, under the +command of my friend Sir FREDERICK ROBERTS." + +"Germans and Italians! Where _did_ you get them from?" + +"From places where they were ruining our working-poor and doing +themselves no permanent good. I shipped them from Hatton Garden and +Whitechapel. My country saved, the welfare of the world in general +demands my restored attention. It shall have it." + +And full of this truly benevolent intention, _Mr. Punch_ returned to +Fleet Street. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +From _The Personal Remembrances_ of Sir FREDERICK POLLOCK (MACMILLAN & +CO.) I had, I confess, expected a great deal more than I found in the +two volumes. And I hold that I had a right to expect something more than +usually interesting from the Remembrances of the Queen's Remembrancer. +What Sir FREDERICK remembers as Remembrancer to the QUEEN is +very little, though quite sufficient for the office; but his own +recollections as his own Remembrancer are very pleasant reading, being +full of information given in an, unpretentious conversational style, +about Cambridge University life, the Bench and the Bar, and Literary +Society generally. There is a good deal of eating and drinking +recorded--not too much, perhaps, for the necessities of social life; and +the "C. C. S.," or Cambridge Conversazione Society seems to have been +very regular in its intellectual gatherings at various places where good +food is provided. This Club, limited to twelve members, was called +somewhat profanely "The Twelve Apostles," though of what they were +Apostles I cannot make out. They have evidently an Apostolic Succession, +as the Club is still in existence, I believe. Altogether, among this +sudden glut in the market of literary confidences in the shape of ducal, +journalistic, artistic, and egotistic recollections, this may be taken +up as a chatty and readable book. + +[Illustration: Odd Volumes.] + +_Woman's World_ for December, edited by our OSCAR WILDE, is full of +woman's wit, and some of the illustrations, especially in the department +of The Fashions, are charming. What a change from the old style of +painted doll inanities, dressed up in a style never seen in real life! +The picture of the three pretty women preparing for a ball is a candle +to attract male moths--"male moths" being obviously the opposite to +"ma'am--moths," as that undefeated punster SAMUEL JOHNSON would have +said under certain circumstances. Mrs. CAMPBELL PRAED'S account of Royat +is very amusing; but, though I have been several times up to La +Charrade, yet never have I had the good fortune to come across Madame +GRENON, who, if her portrait, as given in this number, is a genuine +likeness, ought to be one of the attractions of the environs of Royat. +Good, honest, kindly faces I saw at Charrade, but why this uncommonly +pretty one hid herself, as she must have done whenever she saw this +distinguished water-drinker coming to Charrade is a charade to me. The +general remarks on the Stage by the lamented Authoress of _John +Halifax_, whose recent loss we all deplore, are very interesting, as +recording the impressions of a good, pure-minded woman, whose +acquaintance with the _vie intime_ of the Theatre was limited. The +portraits of Miss ANDERSON are not particularly flattering--rather +shady, which is the one thing that no one shall ever unchallenged say of +our sweet and gentle _Perdita_ in the hearing of your rather deaf + + POLIXENES, BARON DE BOOK WORMS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: hand symbol]NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or +Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any +description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a +Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there +will be no exception. + + + + +[Transcriber's Note: + +Alternative spellings retained, punctuation normalized. + +Italics denoted by underscore (_). + +P. 268: "impenetrable veil that has long shrouded the proceeedings of +the Gargoyle Club" changed to read "impenetrable veil that has long +shrouded the proceedings of the Gargoyle Club".] + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. +93, December 10, 1887, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, LONDON CHARIVARI, DEC 10, 1887 *** + +***** This file should be named 39437-8.txt or 39437-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/9/4/3/39437/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Wayne Hammond, +Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 93, December 10, 1887 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: April 12, 2012 [EBook #39437] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, LONDON CHARIVARI, DEC 10, 1887 *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Wayne Hammond, +Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<p><a class="pagenum" id="page_265" >[pg 265]</a></p> + +<h1>Punch, <br />or the London Charivari</h1> + +<h2>VOL. 93.</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2>December 10th 1887</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h3><em>edited by Sir Francis Burnand</em></h3> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%"> + +<h2>THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P.</h2> + +<h3><span class="smcap">From the Rochdale Rasper (Late the Birmingham Pet).</span></h3> + +<p class="author"><i>One Ash, Rochdale, Saturday.</i></p> +<a href="images/illus265a.png"> +<img src="images/illus265a.png" width="100%" alt="Illustration" /></a> +</div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dear Toby</span>,</p> + +<p>The address from which I write to you is familiar in +the public ear in connection with a long series which, such +is the ignorance of mankind, I have heard described as +petulant, querulous, self-adulatory notes. I have often +wondered that it has not occurred to any one to notice +the singular appropriateness of the name of my humble +home. It is not for me, at my time of life, to claim anything +like prescience of affairs. I may have been right in my +views of the succeeding events of the past half-century, or I +may have been wrong. I will +just mention that my friend, <span class="smcap">T-nn-s-n</span>, who has a pretty faculty for poetry, +once summed me up in a couplet which I venture to think is not without its +charm. "<span class="smcap">J-hn Br-ght</span>," he wrote—</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<p><span class="smcap">J-hn Br-ght</span></p> +<p>Is always right.</p> +</div> + +<p>He told me in confidence that he had at one time contemplated a eulogistic +poem of some seventy or eighty lines, price to the <i>Nineteenth Century</i> a guinea +each. But, having thrown off this couplet, it appeared in itself so sufficient, so +comprehensive yet so precise, that amplification would have rather reduced than +increased its value. Therefore it remains a brilliant fragment.</p> + +<p>But I am wandering from the theme, which, in the present instance, is not +myself but my country address. What I thought might be interesting to point +out is the curious felicity of the nomenclature, and the remarkable foresight of +which it is proof. More than a generation ago it received this singular appellation. +At that time nothing seemed more remote from ordinary apprehension +than that in this year I should be what we call "a Unionist," an ally and +supporter of Lord <span class="smcap">S-l-b-ry</span>, pulling in the same boat as the <span class="smcap">H-m-lt-ns</span>, and +marching shoulder to shoulder with <span class="smcap">Ashm-d B-rtl-tt</span>. In those days I was +wont to pour forth torrents of angry contempt upon the Conservative party. +<span class="smcap">D-sr-li</span> was my wash-pot, over the Markiss I cast out my shoe; but even then +my address was One Ash, Rochdale. Do you begin to see what I mean? One +Empire, One Parliament, One Ash! Some of my old colleagues and disciples +among the Radicals scoff at me because of my new companions. But, as usual, +I have been right from the first. <i>I</i> have always been what the <i>Marchioness</i> +called a "wonner." What has happened is that the Liberal Party and my old +companions have moved away from me, whilst the Conservatives have moved +towards me. I am the same to-day as yesterday, or as these fifty years past. +"<span class="smcap">J-hn Br-ght</span>, always right," and any change of relationship or appearance +is due to the ineradicable error and fatal foolishness of others.</p> + +<p>What I feel, dear <span class="smcap">Toby</span>, in reviewing a long and honourable life, is the +terrible feeling of monotony. I sometimes find myself envying ordinary men +like <span class="smcap">Gl-dst-ne</span>, who, looking back over their past life, can put their hand down +and say, "There I blundered, there I was misled by circumstances." For a long +time <span class="smcap">Gl-dst-ne</span> kept pretty straight—that is to say I agreed with him. But he +has gone wrong lamentably on this Irish Question, and all the righteous acts of +his life—that is to say, steps in which he has chanced to walk in time with me—are +obliterated. It is true that, at one time, it was I who was the foremost +Apostle of Irish National feeling. At this date people with inconvenient memories +are constantly raking up passages in my speeches about +Ireland, and the English yoke which, except that they +are too finely cut, and of too noble a style of eloquence, +would exactly suit <span class="smcap">Gl-dst-ne</span> to-day. I said these +things then, it is true, and then they were right. I do +not say them to-day, and therefore they are wrong. <i>Quod +erat demonstrandum.</i> (You will observe that since, with +a distinguished friend, I have joined the political company +of gentlemen, I have forsaken my old habit of +keeping to the Saxon tongue, and sometimes, as here, I +drop into Latin. Occasionally I fall into French. <i>Autres +temps, autres mœurs.</i>)</p> + +<p>My nearest approach to human frailty, is, perhaps, to +be found in a certain measure of absence of suavity. It +is perhaps possible that my temper was,—I will not say +soured, but—not sweetened by the vile attacks made upon +me personally by Irish Members in Parliament during +the last ten years. You remember what <span class="smcap">B-nt-nck</span> said +about me? I don't mean Big Ben, or Little Ben, but +Lord <span class="smcap">George B-nt-nck</span>. "If <span class="smcap">Br-ght</span>," he said, "had +not been a Quaker, he would have been a prize-fighter." +I think there is about the remark some suspicion of lack +of respect. But, also, it is not without some foundation +of truth. I admit an impulse to strike back when I am +hit; sometimes when I am not. Through two Parliaments +the ragged regiment that live upon the contributions +of their poor relations in domestic service in the +United States have girded at me in the House of +Commons. This was my reward for the rhetorical +services I did for Ireland a quarter of a century ago. +They pummelled me, kicked me, dragged my honoured +name in the dust, and spat upon me in the market-place. +That gross ingratitude I could never forgive, and if in +reprisal, the cause I once advocated suffers, can I be held +blameable?</p> + +<p>But this seems to be running into the groove of apology, +and I never apologised to anyone for anything in my +life. For fear I should begin now, I will close this letter, +remaining, +<span class="author">Your friend, +<span class="i10 smcap">J-hn Br-ght.</span></span></p> + +<p>P.S.—I observe that in my haste I have not called you +a fool, or directly stigmatised as such anyone alluded to +in this letter. I am afraid this will be regarded as a sign +of growing weakness. But I will bring up the average +in the next letter I write for publication.</p> + +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%"> +<a href="images/illus265b.png"> +<img src="images/illus265b.png" width="100%" alt="DARWINIAN ANCESTOR" title="DARWINIAN ANCESTOR" /></a> +<h3>DARWINIAN ANCESTOR</h3> + +<p><i>Composing the Song, "For O it is such a Norrible Tail!!"</i></p> + +<p>"Our ancestor was an animal which breathed water, had a +swim-bladder, a great swimming tail, and an imperfect skull."—<i>Darwin +to Lyell.</i></p> +</div> + +<p><a class="pagenum" id="page_266" >[pg 266]</a></p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%"> +<a href="images/illus266.png"> +<img src="images/illus266.png" width="100%" alt="THE BABES IN THE CHRISTMAS WOOD." title="THE BABES IN THE CHRISTMAS WOOD." /> +</a> +<h3>THE BABES IN THE CHRISTMAS WOOD. "The Cry is still they come!"</h3> +</div> + +<p><a class="pagenum" id="page_267" >[pg 267]</a></p> + +<hr /> +<div class="figright" style="width:50%"> +<img src="images/illus267.png" width="100%" alt="PUTTING HIS FOOT IN IT." title="PUTTING HIS FOOT IN IT." /> +<h3>PUTTING <i>HIS</i> FOOT IN IT.</h3> + +<p class="center"><i>She.</i> "<span class="smcap">And do you still squeeze up the Ladies' Feet in your Country?</span>"</p> + +<p class="center"><i>He.</i> "<span class="smcap">On the contrary, Madam! That is a <i>Chinese</i> custom. We in +Japan always allow the Ladies' Feet to grow to quite their full size. +Not that any would ever rival <i>yours</i>, Madam!</span>"</p> + +<p class="author">[<i>Is delighted with his neat little Compliment!</i>]</p> +</div> + + +<h2>THE BABES IN THE CHRISTMAS WOOD.</h2> + +<h3>The Publishers' Cantata.</h3> + +<p class="center"><i>Various well-known Publishing Firms in the guise of +Forest-trees discovered shedding their leaves.</i></p> +<div class="poem"> +<h3><span class="smcap">General Chorus.</span></h3> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>See Christmas is upon us and the world around us living,</p> +<p>Seeks us and asks the pretty gifts it soon would fain be giving.</p> +<p>The stories thrilling, tender, sweet, to suit all tastes and ages,</p> +<p>All gleaming with their covers gay and picture-covered pages;</p> +<p>The dainty illustrated leaf, the paper softly tinted,</p> +<p>In type, to suit young eyes and old, all exquisitely printed:</p> +<p>Of artist's pencil, author's pen, the choicest, fairest flower,</p> +<p>Behold as the glad season comes we thus upon you shower.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<h3><span class="smcap">Messrs. Blackie & Sons.</span></h3> + +<div class="poem"> +<p>Christmas leaves? Would you pick up the handsomest ones,</p> +<p>First look at these scattered by <span class="smcap">Blackie & Sons</span>.</p> +<p>Here tales of home life and adventure in plenty,</p> +<p>Have good names to vouch for them. Take G. A. <span class="smcap">Henty</span>,</p> +<p>In "Bonnie Prince Charlie" and "Orange and Green,"</p> +<p>He lays first in Scotland, then Ireland his scene,</p> +<p>And thrills you with reading the hairbreadth escapes,</p> +<p>Of the heroes he rescues from numberless scrapes.</p> +<p>But while in "For the Temple," he ventures to tell</p> +<p>How in ages long past great Jerusalem fell;</p> +<p>Yet if less ancient horrors are more to your mind,</p> +<p>In the reign of the "Terror" material you'll find;</p> +<p>And if you would learn how pluck never goes wrong,</p> +<p>You've but to go straightway to "Sturdy and Strong."</p> +<p>Next <span class="smcap">Elizabeth Lysaght</span> in "Aunt Hesba's Charge,"</p> +<p>On the virtues of old Maiden Aunts doth enlarge,</p> +<p>And relates in "Our General" by a small head,</p> +<p>How a family through all its trials may be led.</p> +<p>Then <span class="smcap">J. Percy Groves</span> in "The War of the Axe,"</p> +<p>Tells a stirring Cape story of Caffre attacks,</p> +<p>And "The Seven Wise Scholars" supply <span class="smcap">Ascott R. Hope</span>,</p> +<p>For knocking off seven good tales, ample scope,</p> +<p>He in "Old Renown" stories, too, brilliantly writes</p> +<p>Of the deeds done of old by brave heroes and knights;</p> +<p>While <span class="smcap">E. Brookes</span> harking back with his "Chivalric Days,"</p> +<p>Of the boys and the girls of old times sings the praise.</p> +<p>"Girl Neighbours," allows <span class="smcap">Sarah Tytler</span> to say,</p> +<p>On the whole she prefers the girl of the day;</p> +<p>In "Miss Willowbrown's Offer," how traitors may fail,</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Sarah Dowdney</span> describes in a well-written tale.</p> +<p>With "The Babbling Teapot," to a little girl changed,</p> +<p>Mrs. <span class="smcap">Champney</span> has well into Wonderland ranged.</p> +<p>Out of "Willie," who here "Gutta Percha" is named,</p> +<p><span class="smcap">George Macdonald</span>, an excellent story has framed,</p> +<p>And has shown how he finds life's troubles prove plastic,</p> +<p>Possessing a brain which his friends deem elastic.</p> +<p>In "The Princess" and "Goblin" he tries a new scheme,</p> +<p>And sweeps you along with his mystical theme;</p> +<p>But when she meets "Curdie" he now and then treads</p> +<p>On ground that is over his young readers' heads.</p> +<p>If a truant's adventures, fair reading you find,</p> +<p>The good ship "Atalanta," you'd bear in your mind,</p> +<p>And you'll follow "aboard" it, the hero whose fate</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Henry Frith's</span> thrilling pages know how to relate.</p> +<p>Next in "Chirp and Chatter" from field and from tree,</p> +<p>Young children taught lessons by <span class="smcap">L. Banks</span> you'll see.</p> +<p>"Queen Maud," with her "orders" by <span class="smcap">Louisa Crow</span>,</p> +<p>Shows pride in a haughty young maiden brought low:</p> +<p>While in the "Squire's Grandson," <span class="smcap">J. Callwell</span> proves how</p> +<p>A small boy can make up a family row.</p> +<p>The stories of <span class="smcap">Wasa</span> and <span class="smcap">Menzikoff</span> tell</p> +<p>Two historical tales, and do it right well.</p> +<p>In his "Dick o' the Fens," one Fen,—<span class="smcap">Manville Fenn</span>,—</p> +<p>Gives some capital studies of Lincolnshire men;</p> +<p>But in "Sir Walter's Ward," the age of Crusades,</p> +<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">William Everard</span> brightly invades.</p> +<p>The "Girlhood" of "Margery Merton" relates,</p> +<p>The struggle that oft a young artist awaits,</p> +<p>And how in the end her brave efforts prevail,</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Alice Corkran</span> unfolds in her well-written tale.</p> +<p>And if "Clogs," well selected for children to wear,</p> +<p>You're in need, <span class="smcap">Amy Walton</span> will find you "a pair."</p> +<p>If the "Secret" of "Rovers" is more to your taste,</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Harry Collingwood</span> follow,—your time you'll not waste.</p> +<p>In field, forest, or stream, would you "Insect Ways" learn,</p> +<p>For their "Summer Day's" life to <span class="smcap">J. Humphreys</span> turn.</p> +<p>But to close:—<span class="smcap">Gordon Browne</span>, whose famed pencil so skilled,</p> +<p>Of the foregoing pages so many has filled,</p> +<p>Crowns the whole by contributing last, but not least,</p> +<p>His new "Hop o' my Thumb" and "The Beauty and Beast."</p> +</div> + +<h3><span class="smcap">George Routledge & Sons.</span></h3> + +<div class="poem"> +<p>Are you seeking for young children picture-books to please the eye?</p> +<p>Then your need <span class="smcap">George Routledge</span> and his Sons will readily supply.</p> +<p>Here's "Little Wide-Awake," designed to suit the earliest age,</p> +<p>Bound brightly, with a picture too on nearly every page;</p> +<p>And then there's "Sunny Childhood," with its colouring so gay,</p> +<p>Where Mrs. <span class="smcap">Sale Barker</span> has such pleasant things to say;</p> +<p>And in "Our Friends" and in "Our Home" she takes them by the hand,</p> +<p>And talks to little readers in the words they understand.</p> +<p>"Our Darlings," too, by <span class="smcap">Mars</span>, show how our little darlings fare</p> +<p>Who by their <span class="smcap">Mars</span> (and Pa's as well) are taken everywhere.</p> +<p>If "Fairy Tales" you're seeking, <span class="smcap">Laboulaye's</span> collected lore,</p> +<p>With new ones, and unheard before, will furnish up your store.</p> +<p>And if young heroes of all climes should come within your scope,</p> +<p>You'll turn to "Youngsters' Yarns," and will have faith in <span class="smcap">Ascott Hope</span>.</p> +<p>Then "Herbert Massey's" doings in "Eastern Africa" you'll find,</p> +<p>Told by Commander <span class="smcap">Cameron</span>, quite of a thrilling kind.</p> +<p>"The Children of the New Forest," that <span class="smcap">Marryat</span> wrote of yore,</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Paul Hardy</span> and <span class="smcap">John Gilbert</span> join to illustrate once more.</p> +<p>"Round Nature's Dial," by <span class="smcap">H. M. Burnside</span>, tells full and clear</p> +<p>The shifting story of the times and seasons of the year.</p> +<p>The "Annual" for "Every Boy" affords all boys a treat,</p> +<p>Which, thanks to <span class="smcap">Edmund Routledge</span>, may be held as quite complete.</p> +<p>Here "Caldecott's last 'Graphic' Pictures" come in handy guise,</p> +<p>While by her "Book" consulting, the "Young Lady" may grow wise.</p> +<p>How good we'd be if all, before they do, to think would tarry</p> +<p>On what Miss <span class="smcap">Edgeworth</span> taught to "Lucy," "Rosamond," and "Harry."</p> + +<a class="pagenum" id="page_268" >[pg 268]</a> + +<p>"Natural History," Illustrated "for Young People," must do good,</p> +<p>As a text-book for young children, ably done by <span class="smcap">F. G. Wood</span>.</p> +<p>The "Funny Foxes and their Feats" and doings "at the Fair,"</p> +<p>With some of <span class="smcap">Ernst Griset's</span> happiest efforts may compare.</p> +<p>"The 'Shall Nots' of the Bible" and "Loving Links" combine,</p> +<p>In page illuminated, human verse and text divine.</p> +<p>"Play and Earnest" tells of children who their playing much enjoy,</p> +<p>In a story quaint and charming of a plucky little boy.</p> +<p>Then "Sunbeam Stories," "Storm" and "Sunshine," told in prose and rhyme,</p> +<p>And "Stories" for a "Holiday," as also "Pets' Pastime."</p> +<p>These, with "Sindbad's" famed Adventures, new to many we suppose,</p> +<p>With <span class="smcap">Kate Greenaway's</span> bright Almanack our list must fitly close.</p> +</div> + +<h3><span class="smcap">Messrs. Macmillan & Co.</span></h3> + +<div class="poem"> +<p>Surely "Little Miss Peggy" will work you the spell</p> +<p>Mrs. <span class="smcap">Molesworth's</span> charmed pen weaves so deftly and well,</p> +<p>For this quaint little lady, with ways sweet and bright,</p> +<p>Her small nursery readers can't fail to delight.</p> +<p>In "An Unknown Country" pen and pencil beguile</p> +<p>Him who tempts it to visit his own Sister Isle.</p> +<p>The text he'll find art a true handmaid to wait on</p> +<p>In the exquisite work of <span class="smcap">F. Noel Paton</span>.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2 style="font-family:'Old English', Georgia, serif">Christmas Cards.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> +<p>Of Christmas Cards a splendid show</p> +<p>This year! Wherever you may go</p> +<p>You see them. When you're told, you know</p> + <p class="i6">They're Christmas Cards.</p> +<p>In such a game of Cards the thing</p> +<p>Before the eyes of all to bring</p> +<p>Is Christmas, but they're Summer, Spring,</p> + <p class="i6">Most Christmas Cards.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<div class="poem"> +<p>Taking high rank among the Christmas Cards,</p> +<p>The artistic reproductions, <span class="smcap">Marcus Ward's</span>,</p> +<p>Of two of <span class="smcap">Raphael's</span> best-known Madonnas</p> +<p>Must, at this season, carry off the honours.</p> +<p>Both from one Pitti Palace—need we name them?—</p> +<p class="i2">'Twould be a thousand pities not to frame them.</p> +</div> + +<h3>(<span class="smcap">Air</span>—"<i>King of the Cannibal Islands.</i>")</h3> + +<div class="poem"> +<p class="i2">Here's an "Opal Souvenir,"</p> +<p class="i2">Lovely <i>mem</i> of present year,</p> +<p class="i2">And it comes from, as we hear,</p> + <p class="i6"><span class="smcap">Hildesheimer and Faulkner</span>.</p> +<p class="i2">Among the Cards the best designs</p> +<p class="i2">Are those by <span class="smcap">Weedon</span>, <span class="smcap">Wilson</span>, <span class="smcap">Hines</span>,</p> +<p class="i2"><span class="smcap">Bothams</span>, <span class="smcap">Dealy</span> also shines,</p> +<p class="i2"><span class="smcap">Kilburne</span>, <span class="smcap">Drummond</span>, on like lines,</p> +<p class="i2"><span class="smcap">Williamson</span>, <span class="smcap">Maguire</span> too,</p> +<p class="i2"><span class="smcap">Sigimund</span>, artistic crew,</p> +<p class="i2">All at work their best to do</p> + <p class="i6">For <span class="smcap">Hildesheimer and Faulkner</span>.</p> +</div> + +<h3>(<span class="smcap">Air</span>—"<i>Rare Ben.</i>")</h3> + +<div class="poem"> + <p class="i7"><span class="smcap">Raphael Tuck!</span></p> + <p class="i7">Here's luck!</p> + <p class="i6">Rejoice! no dumps!</p> +<p class="i2">Why, all your Cards are trumps!</p> + <p class="i6">And all applied</p> + <p class="i6">To merry Christmas-tide!</p> + <p class="i6">In these un-Christmas days,</p> +<p class="i2"><i>Punch</i> says 'tis greatly to thy praise.</p> + <p class="i7">So, <span class="smcap">Raphael Tuck</span>,</p> + <p class="i8">My buck,</p> + <p class="i7">Here's luck!</p> +</div> + +<h3><i>To Mr. Punch.</i></h3> + +<div class="poem"> +<p>"Such books, cards, and crackers," cries Poet, perplexed,</p> +<p>"As remain on the list, I will give 'in our next.'"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR DEBATING CLUB.</h2> + +<p class="center"><i>An apology—Eloquent Peroration by our Vice-President</i>—<span class="smcap">Naylor</span> <i>offers some critical +remarks, and</i> <span class="smcap">Kirkstone</span> <i>relates a humorous anecdote</i>.</p> + +<p>I am in a position this week to redeem my promise, and raise the hitherto impenetrable +veil that has long shrouded the <ins title="Transcriber's Note: Typographical error, original text read 'proceeedings'.">proceedings</ins> +of the Gargoyle Club from the Public Eye. In +the exercise of the discretion with which I have been entrusted, I have somewhat departed +from the form of report originally contemplated, and selected only the more striking and +characteristic deliverances of my fellow Gargoyles, interspersed with such short notes and +descriptions as may best serve to bring out their several mannerisms and idiosyncrasies. +Should I offend by this I shall deeply regret it, but I find that there are traditions and +customs in the management of a facetious periodical which, however exacting and absurd in +themselves, must be respected by those who would furnish it with literary matter.</p> + +<p>Having thus apologised in advance to any honourable Gargoyle who may consider himself +misrepresented or insufficiently reported, let me present, as the first instalment of these +papers, some extracts from notes taken at a most instructive debate last session upon the +motion (brought forward by <span class="smcap">Plumley Duff</span>; opposed by +<span class="smcap">Gaspard Hartupp</span>), that:</p> + +<p>"In the opinion of this House, Science has been productive of more real benefit to the +Human Race than Art."</p> + +<p>Somehow, although I know that <span class="smcap">Duff's</span> speech was compounded of plain common sense +interspersed with abundant facts (all <span class="smcap">Duff's</span> speeches are like that), I did not begin to take +notes that evening until <span class="smcap">Hartupp</span> had reached his peroration, which was in this form:—</p> + +<p>"Sir," said <span class="smcap">Hartupp</span> (<i>with an inflection of unspeakable pathos in his voice, which ought +to make</i> <span class="smcap">Pinceney</span> <i>shed tears—but does not</i>), "before I sit down—before, Sir, I resume +my seat,"—(<i>this solemnly, as if he has a deep presentiment that he may never resume another +seat</i>)—"let me ask the Honourable Member who is responsible for the Motion on the paper +this evening—let me put to him this single inquiry, this solitary question—and I shall await +his answer with considerable curiosity." ... (<i>Here</i> <span class="smcap">Hartupp</span> <i>gazes with an air of challenge +at</i> <span class="smcap">Duff</span>, <i>who, however, is drawing</i> <span class="smcap">Euclid's</span> <i>first proposition upon his blotting-pad, an occupation +which seems to absorb the whole of his faculties for the moment</i>.) "Is he here to-night +to deny the existence of any good that is not visible, that is not tangible, that cannot be +measured with a tape, or weighed in scales? <i>Sir</i>, that is the philosophy of the volatile +sparrow, of the soulless hog, that skims the vault of the azure empyrean, and wallows +content in the mire of his native sky—I <i>should</i> say" (<i>with an air of careless concession to +prosaic accuracy</i>), "stye! That bird, Sir, that pig, like the Honourable Proposer himself"—(<i>a +titter here from the more frivolous</i>; <span class="smcap">Duff</span> <i>rubs his nose, and evidently wonders whether</i> +<span class="smcap">Hartupp</span> <i>has been saying anything worth noticing</i>)—"would find the universe none the poorer +had <span class="smcap">Praxiteles</span> carved nothing more immortal than an occasional cold fowl; had <span class="smcap">Homer</span> +swept his lyre, not in commemoration of the fall of an ancient Troy, but to celebrate the rise +of a new soap (<span class="smcap">Hartupp</span> <i>rather prides himself on his talent for antithesis</i>); "and had <span class="smcap">Titian</span> +lavished all his wealth of glowing colour and gorgeous hues upon the unretentive surface of +some suburban pavement! But, <i>Sir</i>, I hope that we, by our vote to-night, will afford no +encouragement to the gross and contemptible materialism which is the curse of the present +day, and of which, I am compelled to add," (<i>here he glances reproachfully at the unconscious</i> +<span class="smcap">Duff</span>, <i>who is sharpening a pencil</i>), "we have been afforded so melancholy an example this +evening. Let us proclaim to the world without that we, as Gentlemen and as Gargoyles, +repudiate, that we loathe, that we abhor, that we abominate," (<span class="smcap">Hartupp</span> <i>seems to be screwing +all these verbs out of himself, and throwing them defiantly at</i> <span class="smcap">Duff</span>,) "the grovelling tendency +of our animal nature to ignore the joys of the soul and the pleasures of the intellect, +and place its highest enjoyment in the ignoble pursuit of creature comforts!"</p> + +<p class="hang">[<i>Here</i> <span class="smcap">Hartupp</span> <i>sits down amidst applause, and applies himself diligently to his +whiskey-and-water</i>.</p> + +<p>At a later period in the evening, just as the debate was beginning to languish, <span class="smcap">Naylor</span> +started to his feet with a long strip of paper which, being shortsighted, he held close to +his nose. <span class="smcap">Naylor</span> invariably takes elaborate notes, with the intention of pointing out and +refuting the errors of all previous speakers. Unfortunately, as he cannot always read the +notes, and seldom remembers the objections he meant to urge, his criticisms are not as +effective as could be desired. On this occasion, <span class="smcap">Naylor</span> said:—"I'm not going to make a +speech, Sir, I only want to point out one or two things which struck me as requiring to be met. +I'll take them in their order." (<i>Here he fumbles with his strip of paper, which will get upside +down when he wished to refer to it</i>). "Oh, here it is! There was a Gargoyle who said—I +believe it was the Proposer of this motion—<i>didn't</i> you?" (<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Duff</span>, <i>who shakes his head in +solemn disclaimer</i>). "Well, it was somebody, anyway, but he told us that——." (<i>Here</i> +<span class="smcap">Naylor</span> <i>again refers to his notes</i>). "I'm afraid I can't exactly make out what he did say—but +I don't agree with him. Then there was another speaker who said, (I took it down +at the time) that he'd rather have a good traction-engine than the finest poem ever written! +Well, my reply to <i>that</i> is——" (<i>here</i> <span class="smcap">Naylor</span> <i>has another wrestle with his notes and comes up +triumphant</i>) "that's <i>his</i> opinion. I wouldn't. Next, someone asked, 'What practical use +was <span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span> to any man?'" (<i>A pause.</i>) "I've got an answer to that on my notes, +somewhere, only I can't find it. But, anyhow," (<i>cheerfully</i>) "I know it was rather sticking +up for <span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span>, to a certain extent. Then, didn't someone else say, 'Music elevated +the mind?'" (<i>A Member acknowledges the responsibility of this bold sentiment.</i>) "Well, +I don't say it doesn't—only, <i>how?</i> you know, that's the point!" (<i>A long pause, during +which</i> <span class="smcap">Naylor</span> <i>and his notes appears to be getting inextricably involved</i>). "There was a +lot of other things I meant to say, but I'm afraid I don't quite remember them at this +moment."</p> + +<p>With this, <span class="smcap">Naylor</span> sat down suddenly, apparently very little depressed by the total +absence of applause—he knew that a fearless critic is never popular.</p> + +<p>After that we had a little speech from dear old <span class="smcap">Kirkstone</span>, who rose to tell us an +anecdote, which the subject had suggested to him. Appropriate anecdotes are always +occurring to <span class="smcap">Kirkstone</span>, and he applies them in the neatest and happiest manner, being +gifted with the keenest sense of humour of any one in our Society. In fact, the very keenness +of <span class="smcap">Kirkstone's</span> appreciation operates almost as a disadvantage, as will be seen from +the following extract, taken on the spot.</p> + +<p><i>Kirkstone (rising, and playing with his watch-chain).</i> "Sir, whilst listening to the speeches +<a class="pagenum" id="page_269" >[pg 269]</a> +of Honourable Members this evening, I could not help being +reminded of a story I heard the other day." (<i>Here a slight +spasm passes over his ample cheeks, and we all settle down in +delighted anticipation</i>). "There was an old farmer—one of the +regular old-fashioned sort." (<i>Faint preliminary chuckle down +in</i> <span class="smcap">Kirkstone's</span> <i>throat</i>.) "Well, he had a daughter, who—<i>tchick!</i>—played +on the—<i>tehee!</i>—the piano, and one day he was +induced to go in for a"—(<i>convulsion, followed by sounds like the +extraction of a very refractory cork</i>)—"for a Steam-plough! Soon +afterwards he happened to meet a friend—another farmer, or the +parson, I forget which, and it don't signify. Well, and the friend +asked 'how he got on with his Steam-plough.' And the old farmer +says—<i>hork-hork!</i>—he says, 'Don't talk to me 'bout no Steam-plough—<i>ki-hee-hee!</i>—when +there's my darter at home, and she—<i>crick, +crick, criggle!</i>' (<span class="smcap">Kirkstone</span> <i>proceeds gallantly, but is unintelligible +until the close</i>)—'with her darned pianner—<i>haw-haw-haw!</i>' +Well, the House can apply the moral of that themselves—I +thought it was rather to the point myself. That's all I got up +to say."</p> + +<p>I am afraid <span class="smcap">Kirkstone</span> thinks we are all of us rather dull.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A DRAMATIC ORATORIO.</h2> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:25%"> +<a href="images/illus269a.png"> +<img src="images/illus269a.png" width="100%" alt="Illustration" /></a> +</div> + +<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Frederic H. Cowen's</span> dramatic Oratorio, <i>Ruth</i>, was produced +last Thursday at St. James's Hall, and the verdict on the entire +work from "bar one" to bar last was emphatically favourable. +The Composer has nothing to regret on this +score. The workmanship throughout is thoroughly +good, and in some instances admirable, though the First +Part is not distinguished by any very striking originality.</p> + +<p>In the Second Part, which begins appropriately with +Harvest or "Half-est time," Mr. <span class="smcap">Boaz Lloyd</span> gave a very +trying <i>scena</i> magnificently. But why does he pronounce +"excellent" as "ex<i>cee</i>lent?" Perhaps he has ascertained +on undeniable authority that this is the way <i>Boaz</i> would +have pronounced it. <i>À propos</i> +of this eminent tenor, on one occasion, not this, there was very nearly +being a duel about his identity. An Irish gentleman, turning to +his friend, informed him, "That's <span class="smcap">Sims Reeves</span>," whereupon his +better informed companion returned, "He! <span class="smcap">Lloyd</span>!" which, but +for a toimely explanation, begorra, would have led to a challenge!</p> + +<p>To resume. The "Dance of Reapers and Gleaners" must have +sounded rather out of place in Worcester Cathedral, where <i>Ruth</i> +was first produced. In the Chorus of the Reapers and Gleaners, +who were not in the least out of breath with their dance—but +perhaps these had only been delighted spectators—full justice was +done to the finest number in the Oratorio—at least, so it appeared to +the humble individual who had the honour of representing you on +this occasion. Then in the duet,</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<p><span class="smcap">Lloyd</span> and <span class="smcap">Albani</span></p> + <p class="i2">As <i>Boaz</i> and <i>Ruth</i>,</p> +<p>Were perfect, no blarney,</p> + <p class="i2">I'm telling the truth.</p> +</div> + +<p>The applause was enthusiastic: indeed, not only in this instance, +but throughout the performance, these two sang magnificently. +<i>Boaz</i> must have been a very kind man; at all events, as <i>Boaz</i> +and <i>Ruth</i> are invariably heard of together, it is clear that he +could never be accused of being Ruthless.</p> + +<p>Now, just one question: the Book of Words with musical phrases, is +sold in the room, and on the title-page we read that "the words are +selected,"—most judiciously too—by Mr. <span class="smcap">Joseph Bennett</span>, and +"the Book of Words" is fitted "with analytical notes by <span class="smcap">Joseph +Bennett</span>,"—though we should have thought that Mr. <span class="smcap">Cowen's</span> notes +were sufficient by themselves. Then we find the analytical Noter +saying at the end of Part I., "<i>The assertion may safely be made, +that no poetical situation in dramatic Oratorio, has been treated more +successfully than the foregoing.</i>" Now, suppose this were a book of +a new Opera, would it be right and proper for the librettist who had +adapted the subject from <span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span>, for example, to give his +opinion on the work of his <i>collaborateur</i>? Wouldn't this be taking +an unfair advantage of his position? It doesn't matter in this case, +as I perfectly agree with him, but it is the principle, whatever it +may be, for which I contend, and sign myself,</p> + +<p><span class="author">Your Musical Representative, <span class="i6 smcap">Peter Piper.</span></span></p> +<p> </p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Uncle Remus on C. S. P-rn-ll.</span>—"Brer Fox he lay low."</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>SHOWS VIEWS.</h2> + +<div class="figright" style="width:25%"> +<a href="images/illus269b.png"> +<img src="images/illus269b.png" width="100%" alt="Illustration" /></a> +</div> + +<p>Amongst entertainments of a pleasing character the performances +of "Mr. and Mrs. <span class="smcap">German Reed</span>" hold their own gallantly. At +the present moment a little play +called <i>Tally Ho</i> is occupying the +boards, much to the delight of +those serious pleasure-seekers who +consider a box at a theatre wicked, +but find no particular harm in +the stalls of St. George's Hall. +Mr. <span class="smcap">Alfred Reed</span> and Miss +<span class="smcap">Fanny Holland</span> are as amusing +as ever, and the music is all that +could be desired. The dialogue +of the piece, or entertainment, +or whatever it is, is not too new. +I fancy the author must have +seen <i>London Assurance</i>, and +listened to <i>Lady Gay Spanker's</i> +description of the fox chase. +And having seen the piece and +heard the speech, possibly read +the burlesque thereon by the late <span class="smcap">Gilbert Abbott à Beckett</span>, in +the <i>Scenes from Rejected Comedies</i>, published as long ago as the +forties. "How time flies!" as a lady behind me observed, after +expressing her opinion that Mr. <span class="smcap">Corney Grain</span> was better than his +pupil—<span class="smcap">John Parry</span>! "I remember him as far back as a quarter of +a century," continued the fair dame, "and didn't you hear him say +he was over fifty years old when he sang that song calling himself +an old fogey?" Mr. <span class="smcap">Grain</span> fails to do himself justice when he +assumes an elderly air inconsistent with the number of his summers. +Such an assumption can but cause pain—to his contemporaries!</p> + +<p>On Thursday last <i>The Woman Hater</i> was produced for the first time +in London at Mr. <span class="smcap">Terry's</span> Theatre (on the grounds that familiarity +breeds contempt, I prefer to allow the actor to retain his titular +prefix), with more or less success. On the whole I condole with our +country cousins if they have been allowed to see this strange play +very frequently. Personally I would not care to form a part of any +audience at Mr. <span class="smcap">Terry's</span> Theatre during its run, which I am bound +to add I am afraid will not be a long one. The construction of the +three-act farce (as it is called) is feeble in the extreme, and suggests +that the author, from a literary point of view, has a great deal to +learn. I do not think (unless his future pieces are very unlike <i>The +Woman Hater</i>) that he will have much chance of gaining a permanent +position in the Temple of Fame. This is merely a matter of +opinion, but, speaking for myself, had I a theatre (which I should +call of course Mr. Thingembob's Theatre, or the Theatre Royal Dash +Blank, Esq.), I believe I should somehow or other instinctively avoid +the works of Mr. <span class="smcap">David Lloyd</span> for some time to come. That is to +say if he confined his pen to farce and comedy. It is quite possible +he may be much more at home in tragedy. As a fact, there is a sort +of gloomy glamour about <i>The Woman Hater</i> that suggests the +reflection that, after all, the play might have been more exciting if +a murder had been skilfully introduced into Act I., and it had been +written throughout in blank verse. I think the lover, <i>Tom Ripley</i>, +might thus have been murdered with or without (for preference, +with) his sweetheart. Early in Act II. the character very nicely +played by Mr. <span class="smcap">Kemble</span> might have committed suicide, with one or +two others; for choice, others. Act III. might have been allowed +(after the necessary alterations had been made to fit it to the +requirements of the novel development of the original plot) +to stand as it is. In its present form the incidents connected +with the spiriting away (after a desperate and revolting +fight with the keepers) of the hero to a Lunatic Asylum, +are, to say the least, unpleasant. Mr. <span class="smcap">Bishop</span>, as the psychological +specialist (the resident medical superintendent of the +licensed house), was excellent. It is a question, however, whether +those well-intentioned representatives of the <span class="smcap">Lord Chancellor</span>, the +Commissioners in Lunacy, would have been entirely satisfied with +his action in connection with the incarceration of one sane patient in +the place of another patient equally free from mental disease. But +that is a matter affecting the author rather than the player. Miss +<span class="smcap">M. A. Victor</span>, as a widow lady of great wealth and superior position, +was, of course, quite in her element, and gave an admirable sketch +of a British matron from Belgravia or Mayfair. Mr. <span class="smcap">Terry</span>, too, +deserves a word of praise for his own droll performances, which +caused more than once, on the first night, a burst of hearty laughter. +Pleasantry apart, in spite of the acting, good all round, I fear <i>The +Woman Hater</i> will soon have to return to the provinces, to make +room for something just a little better suited to the London requirements +of Mr. <span class="smcap">Terry</span> and the audiences of Mr. <span class="smcap">Terry's</span> Theatre.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">New Book.</span>—<i>The Green Ways of England.</i> By a Warwickshire +Man.</p> +<p><a class="pagenum" id="page_270" >[pg 270]</a></p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%"> +<a href="images/illus270.png"> +<img src="images/illus270.png" width="100%" alt="SO VERY LIKELY." title="SO VERY LIKELY." /> </a> +<h3>SO VERY LIKELY.</h3> + +<p><i>Small Rustic (to Brown, whose Champion North-Caspian Bear-hound has just gobbled up one of Farmer Rackstraw's Prize Rabbits, which had +got out of the hutch).</i> "<span class="smcap">If yer'll gi' me Tuppence, Zur, I'll swear <i>it wos the Rabbit as begun it</i>!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>ON THE WRONG SCENT.</h2> + +<h3><i>Master of Hounds, loquitur</i>:—</h3> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"<i>Slow in pursuit, but matched in mouths like bells.</i></p> +<p><i>Each under each.</i>" So <span class="smcap">Shakspeare's</span> <i>Theseus</i> tells</p> + <p class="i2">The merits of his tuneful Spartan pack.</p> +<p>Would I could echo it concerning mine!</p> +<p>Tut, tut! They're off again on their own line.</p> + <p class="i2">Come back, ye fools, come back!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>I envy <i>Theseus</i>! Just the sort of hounds</p> +<p>For a true Tory huntsman; kept in bounds</p> + <p class="i2">By discipline none ventures to defy.</p> +<p>With such a pack I should be well content;</p> +<p>But some of mine are keen on a false scent,</p> + <p class="i2">And off on a wild cry.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Oh, these young dogs! They think disorder's dash;</p> +<p>Heedless of horn, rebellious to the lash;</p> + <p class="i2">Just now, too, when our quarry is so clear!</p> +<p>Oh, hang the howling, yelping, whimpering lot!</p> +<p>On a fine herring-trail the fools have got.</p> + <p class="i2">They'll spoil the chase, I fear.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Come back! Come back! What, "<span class="smcap">Vincent</span>," "<span class="smcap">Bartlett</span>," ho!</p> +<p>This sort of thing won't pay at all, you know.</p> + <p class="i2">We are not, now, after <i>that</i> sort of game.</p> +<p>Ah, sweet <i>Sir Roger</i>, our <i>Spectator's</i> friend.</p> +<p>What would you say to this? Come, let it end.</p> + <p class="i2">For shame, ye curs, for shame!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="smcap">Addison's</span> "good old Knight" was happier far.</p> +<p>In his well-ordered pack the casual jar</p> + <p class="i2">Of a raw dog or "noted Liar" met</p> +<p>No recognition; no, "he might have yelped</p> +<p>His heart out," but the row had nothing helped</p> + <p class="i2">The hounds astray to set.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Here be "notorious Liars" in full force</p> +<p>(The epithet is technical, of course).</p> + <p class="i2">"<span class="smcap">Torrington</span>," back! Back, "<span class="smcap">Stanley</span>"! "<span class="smcap">Ecroyd</span>," back!</p> +<p>Heed "the old hounds of reputation" here.</p> +<p>This shindy must be stopped, or 'twill, I fear,</p> + <p class="i2">Demoralise the pack!</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE OLDEST SKETCHING CLUB IN THE WORLD.</h2> + +<p>At the house of <span class="smcap">Nat Langham</span> young men +were taught how to use their hands skilfully +years agone; at the home of <i>the</i> <span class="smcap">Langham</span> +their hands are trained with equal care and +discretion, with a different end in view. At +the former they were excited, at the latter +they are soothed. The spirits of the last are +finer, if less ardent, than those of the first. +Friday cannot be unlucky, for all their +sketches are produced on that proverbially unfortunate +day. A subject is given, and in two +hours, over pipes and coffee, it is completed. +Marvellous these rapid acts of sketchmanship! +The Impressionists nowhere! The result? +Well, go to the Gallery, 23, Baker Street. +Look at the collection of pictures—on the +two hours' system—by Messrs. <span class="smcap">Stacey Marks</span>, +<span class="smcap">Calderon</span>, <span class="smcap">Fred Walker</span>, <span class="smcap">Hodgson</span>, <span class="smcap">Cattermole</span>, +<span class="smcap">B. W. Leader</span>, <span class="smcap">Charles Keene</span>, +<span class="smcap">E. Hayes</span>, <span class="smcap">H. Moore</span>, <span class="smcap">Vicat Cole</span>, <span class="smcap">Frank +Dicksee</span>, <span class="smcap">E. Duncan</span>, <span class="smcap">C. J. Lewis</span>, <span class="smcap">F. Weekes</span>, +<span class="smcap">Carl Haag</span>, and other clever gentlemen, and +see if <i>Mr. Punch</i> is not right in his commendation. +The Langham Sketching Club +has existed over half a century, and this is +its first public exhibition. Ah! well, it is +never too late to mend.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>The Winter's Tale at the Lyceum.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>There's a charm in her innocent glances,</p> +<p>A charm in her step when she dances,</p> + <p class="i6">For <i>Perdita</i>, "nary</p> + <p class="i6">A one," like our <span class="smcap">Mary</span>,</p> +<p>The sweetest of Sweet Willum's fancies.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>To those who may not have heard it, a</p> +<p>Chance most distinct will be <i>Perdita</i>.</p> + <p class="i6">So, see now, we say,</p> + <p class="i6"><span class="smcap">Mary Anderson</span> play,</p> +<p>You'll regret, when too late you've deferred it, Ah!</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>The Latest and Best from Berlin.</h3> + +<p>The Crown Prince was reported last week +to be decidedly better. May it be so, and so +go on. "His Imperial Highness," wrote the +Correspondent of the <i>Standard</i>, "continues +to express the fullest confidence in Sir <span class="smcap">Morell +Mackenzie</span>." And <i>Mr. Punch</i>, in the name +of all Englishmen who are uninfluenced by any +feeling akin to professional jealousy, "says +ditto," to the Crown Prince. <i>Prosit!</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<p>Mrs. R. is astonished that the English do +not name streets and places after the names of +their great Poets and their works. She says +she only remembers two exceptions; one was +a <i>Hamlet</i> in the Country, and the other was +<i>Wandsworth</i>; the latter being so called after +the Poet who wrote <i>The Excursion</i>,—probably, +she thinks, a cheap excursion to this +very spot, which is within a cab-fare of town.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>The Third Edition of Mr. <span class="smcap">Frith's</span> Recollections +is now out. We hear it is dedicated +to Archdeacon <span class="smcap">Sumner</span>, and that the motto selected +is the nautical quotation, "Port it is!"</p> +<p><a class="pagenum" id="page_271" >[pg 271]</a></p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%"> +<a href="images/illus271.png"> +<img src="images/illus271.png" width="100%" alt="ON THE WRONG SCENT." title="ON THE WRONG SCENT." /></a> +<h3>ON THE WRONG SCENT.</h3> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Salisbury, M.F.H.</span> "CONFOUND THOSE YOUNG HOUNDS!—THEY'RE TAKING A LINE OF THEIR OWN!!"</p> +</div> + +<p><a class="pagenum" id="page_272" >[pg 272]</a></p> +<p> </p> +<p><a class="pagenum" id="page_273" >[pg 273]</a></p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%"> +<a href="images/illus273.png"> +<img src="images/illus273.png" width="100%" alt="PIG-HEADED ATTACK ON THE IMMORTAL BARD." title="PIG-HEADED ATTACK ON THE IMMORTAL BARD." /> +</a> +<h3>PIG-HEADED ATTACK ON THE IMMORTAL BARD.</h3> +</div> +<hr /> + +<h2>A DISPUTED WILL.</h2> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>,—Mr. <span class="smcap">Donnelly's</span> cryptogram, showing <span class="smcap">Bacon</span> to be the author of +all <span class="smcap">Shakspeare's</span> plays, is a wonderful discovery. The principle only needs to be +applied with sufficient ingenuity and perseverance, to revolutionise the whole +field of literary history. I myself have only had time to apply it in a few +instances, but have already got the really valuable result that <span class="smcap">Negretti</span> and +<span class="smcap">Zambra</span> wrote most of the works of <span class="smcap">Milton</span>. <span class="smcap">Day</span> and <span class="smcap">Martin Luther</span> wrote +<i>Sandford and Merton</i>, and Sir <span class="smcap">Walter Scott</span> wrote the ballad with the refrain +"<i>Two Lovely Black Eyes</i>." <span class="smcap">Charles Thackeray's</span> works were entirely written +by <span class="smcap">William Makepeace Dickens</span>. Hence the cryptogrammatic name. I am +working as hard at the theory as the somewhat unelastic rules of this establishment +will permit, and this morning I caught a cryptogram crawling up the +window-pane. Aha! excuse my glove, I must dissemble,</p> + +<p><i>Colney-Hatchwell</i>. <span class="author">Yours, +<span class="i6 smcap">The "B" in Both.</span></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir</span>,—You are performing a truly noble and philanthropic work in throwing +open your columns to a subject which must inevitably seem "<i>caviare</i> to the +general" (<span class="smcap">Bacon</span>). To myself, personally, the raising of the controversy at the +present time is annoying, because I happen to have hit independently on exactly +the same idea as Mr. <span class="smcap">Donnelly's</span>; viz., that there is an underground narrative +running through <span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span>. <span class="smcap">Darwin</span> and <span class="smcap">Wallace</span>, you may remember, +discovered the origin of species simultaneously, so why not I and <span class="smcap">Donnelly</span> the +origin of <span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span>? But my cryptogram leads to an entirely different result +from Mr. <span class="smcap">Donnelly's</span>, who has, I am certain, being led off on a false scent. +Instead of multiplying every 270th word, as he does, by the number of full-stops +in the page, and then dividing the result by the number of years during which +<span class="smcap">Anne Hathaway</span> is supposed to have resided at Stratford-on-Avon, he should +first have discovered the total quantity of words in all <span class="smcap">Shakspeare's</span> plays and +sonnets, and after that the quantity in the <i>Novum Organon</i>; then reducing the +probable salary which <span class="smcap">Bacon</span> received as Lord Chancellor, <i>each year</i>, down to +farthings, he should have divided (<i>not</i> multiplied) them all into each other, and +brought them to decimals, and then applied <i>that</i> result to the plays. The process +is a little complicated, but I can't make it clearer at present. Anyhow, the +entrancing interest of the story so obtained can be judged from the headings of +the chapters.</p> + +<p>"Lord <span class="smcap">Bacon</span> arrives at Stratford disguised as a bargee. His midnight visit +to <span class="smcap">Shakspeare's</span> house. The poaching plot hatched. In the churchyard. The +Ghost among the tombs. The Ghost discovered to be Queen <span class="smcap">Elizabeth</span>, who had +followed <span class="smcap">Bacon</span> to Stratford disguised as a Tilbury fish-wife. The Queen buried +alive in Stratford churchyard by <span class="smcap">Bacon</span> and <span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span>. The good Vicar +bribed. Their scheme to dress up <span class="smcap">Anne Hathaway</span> as +Queen. Its success. <span class="smcap">Anne Hathaway</span> reigns twenty +years, everybody taking her for <span class="smcap">Elizabeth</span>. <span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span> +(stricken with remorse) appears suddenly at the bedside +of <span class="smcap">Bacon</span>. Threatens to disclose all. <span class="smcap">Bacon</span> murders +<span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span>. Takes all <span class="smcap">Shakspeare's</span> Plays (hitherto +unacted, having been rejected by the Managers of the +period as 'wholly devoid of dramatic power') out of his +pocket, and produces them next day as his own. Success +of this plot also. How <span class="smcap">Bacon</span> repents at last. Invents +the Cryptogram. Inserts it in the Plays on his deathbed."</p> + +<p>You will see from this abstract that there are elements +of far greater interest in my theory than in Mr. <span class="smcap">Donnelly's</span>, +and my publishers sincerely trust that you will +insert this letter, as a gratuitous advertisement may help +the sale of my forthcoming work, entitled, <i>Who Killed +Shakspeare and Queen Elizabeth?</i> + +<span class="author">Your obedient servant, <span class="i6 smcap">Artful Plodder.</span></span> </p> +<p> </p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir</span>,—Surely it is impossible to doubt any longer that +<span class="smcap">Bacon</span> wrote <i>Hamlet</i>. Why, in that play you find him +actually confessing his cowardice in not claiming the +authorship of his own plays! What else <i>can</i> these words +mean?</p> + +<blockquote> +<p>"What should such fellows as I do crawling between earth +and heaven? We are <i>arrant knaves all</i>."</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>Then occurs this truly remarkable sentence:—</p> + +<blockquote> +<p>"God hath given you one face, and you make yourselves +another."</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>Given <i>whom</i>? Why, <span class="smcap">Bacon</span> himself! Did he not make +his face into another's, namely, <span class="smcap">Shakspeare's</span>? The +case is as clear as noonday. Let the insular cavillers at +<span class="smcap">Donnelly</span>, just because he is an American, hide their +diminished heads. + +<span class="author smcap">Anti-Humbug.</span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>,—Would one of your readers kindly inform +me how Friar <span class="smcap">Bacon</span> could have written <span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span>? +I see by <i>Little Arthur's History of England</i> that the +former lived three hundred years before <span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span> was +born. This seems to be a conclusive proof that Mr. <span class="smcap">Donnelly</span> +is wrong; but though I am very fond of history, I +do not profess to be a great historical critic. + +<span class="author smcap">Tilly Slowboy.</span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir</span>,—In looking over <i>Macbeth</i>, I have found a really +remarkable confirmation of Mr. <span class="smcap">Donnelly's</span> cryptographic +story. The story relates how, when <span class="smcap">Cecil</span> told Queen +<span class="smcap">Elizabeth</span> that <span class="smcap">Shakspeare's</span> plays were treasonable, +she "rises up, beats <span class="smcap">Hayward</span> with her crutch, and +nearly kills him." In Act III., Scene 4, of <i>Macbeth</i>, +occurs this line,—</p> + +<p class="center small">"It will have blood; they say, blood will have blood"—</p> + +<p><i>i.e.</i>, Queen <span class="smcap">Elizabeth</span>, being a person of good blood, or +high lineage, <i>will</i> have blood, <i>i.e.</i>, from the head of the +person she beats with the crutch.</p> + +<p>A few lines further on is a striking confirmation of this.</p> + +<p><i>Macbeth</i> says,—</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<p>"How say'st thou, that <span class="smcap">Macduff</span> denies his person</p> +<p>At our great bidding?"</p> +</div> + +<p><i>Macduff</i> here is cryptographic for <span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span>. When +summoned by the Queen to answer <span class="smcap">Cecil's</span> charge, <span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span> +<i>did</i> deny his person at her bidding. Mr. <span class="smcap">Donnelly's</span> +is a great discovery. The world <i>does</i> advance, in +spite of Lord <span class="smcap">Salisbury</span>. <span class="author">Yours, +<span class="i6 smcap">Radical.</span></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>,—How long will the British public allow an +impudent Yankee to lead it astray? Mr. <span class="smcap">Donnelly</span> has +evidently never read my historical novel, <i>A Tale of the +Invincible Armada</i>, which somehow failed to meet with +the enthusiasm it deserved, or he would know that <span class="smcap">Cecil</span> +valued <span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span> most highly. In my book he never +addresses the Bard without saying, "Marry, Gossip," or +"I' faith, good coz." I am sure your readers will be glad +of this information; also to hear that I am bringing out a +cheap popular edition of the same book, price only three-and-sixpence. +Order at once, <span class="author">Yours, <span class="i6 smcap">M. Ainchance.</span></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir</span>,—Perhaps, after all, the best solution of the <span class="smcap">Shakspeare-Bacon</span> +puzzle is one analogous to that suggested +by a learned Don in the <span class="smcap">Homer</span> controversy—viz., that +the person who wrote the plays was not <span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span>, but +another man of the same name. + +<span class="author">Yours, <span class="i6 smcap">Commonsensicus Academicus.</span></span></p> +<p> </p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>LORD SALISBURY'S SHAKSPEARE.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> +<p>"'The policy of worry' shan't be strained;</p> +<p>They'll drop it in my gentle reign next Session."</p> +</div> +<p><a class="pagenum" id="page_274" >[pg 274]</a></p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%"> +<a href="images/illus274.png"> +<img src="images/illus274.png" width="100%" alt="AN OPPORTUNIST." title="AN OPPORTUNIST." /></a> +<h3>"AN OPPORTUNIST."</h3> + +<p><i>He.</i> "<span class="smcap">Oh, Emil——Miss Crumpcher—can—have you ever Loved?</span>"</p> + +<p><i>She.</i> "<span class="smcap">N—not this season!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Would-be "Literary Gent."</span>—The following is from the <i>Daily Telegraph</i>:—</p> + +<blockquote><p class="drop">Literary.—A gentleman who erst wrote for recreation, is driven, through cruel misfortune, to +resume his pen for a livelihood. Fugitive lines, reviews of English, French, and Italian literature, +topics of the day.</p></blockquote> + +<p>What a condescension! How good of him! He "first wrote for recreation"—whose?—his +own probably, and that of his friends who were as easily amused as were those of Mr. +<span class="smcap">Peter Magnus</span>,—who signed himself P.M., or afternoon, for the entertainment of his correspondents,—and +now he is "driven through cruel misfortune to resume his pen." Very +cruel! Perhaps already his friends are beginning to suffer from this spiteful freak of Fortune. +But as he can knock off with ease a variety of literary work, he is rather to be envied than +pitied; and already he may be on the high road to literary fame which he will despise, and +solid wealth which he will appreciate.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">The New Sixpence.</span>—On the face is to be the <span class="smcap">Queen's</span> effigy with inscription, and on the +reverse its value inscribed, surrounded by an olive-branch and an oak-branch. More appropriate +for the face would have been the <span class="smcap">Queen's</span> effigy surrounded by olive-branches.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>M. <span class="smcap">Pasteur</span> is the man for the successful treatment of hydrophobia. Does the Australasian +Government appeal to him for assistance because it finds itself in a rabbit state?</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>O'BRIEN'S BREECHES.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> +<h3>(<i>Humbly imitated from Henry Luttrel's "Burnham Beeches."</i>)</h3> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>A Bard, dear Muse, who pluck would sing,</p> + <p class="i2">Your friendly aid beseeches.</p> +<p>Help me to touch the lyric string</p> + <p class="i2">On—brave <span class="smcap">O'Brien's</span> breeches!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>What though the splendour of my lines</p> + <p class="i2">To <span class="smcap">Swinburne's</span> height ne'er reaches?</p> +<p>The theme, if not the thrummer, shines;</p> + <p class="i2">That theme's—<span class="smcap">O'Brien's</span> breeches!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>They wouldn't let <span class="smcap">O'Brien</span> talk,</p> + <p class="i2">Or make "seditious" speeches.</p> +<p>They quodded him, his plans to baulk,</p> + <p class="i2">And—tried to bag his breeches!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>But brave <span class="smcap">O'Brien's</span> blood did burn</p> + <p class="i2">(Say, who his pluck impeaches?)</p> +<p>He up and swore in accents stern,</p> + <p class="i2">"I <i>won't</i>—wear convict breeches!"</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Those gaolers deep about him hung,</p> + <p class="i2">They stuck to him like leeches.</p> +<p>But he, the eloquent of tongue,</p> + <p class="i2">Stuck to—<span class="smcap">O'Brien's</span> breeches!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>If "sermons be in stones," I'll bet</p> + <p class="i2">A prison patience teaches.</p> +<p>The prisoner to bed must get;</p> + <p class="i2">They watched—and boned his breeches!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The captive of the cold complains,</p> + <p class="i2">His breechless bones it reaches.</p> +<p>But yield? No, rather he remains</p> + <p class="i2">In bed—without his breeches!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>In vain the prison-clothes they show;</p> + <p class="i2">Badge of dishonour each is.</p> +<p>Patriots prefer to lie below</p> + <p class="i2">Bed-clothes—without their breeches!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>But friends unto the dungeon hie,</p> + <p class="i2">No gaoler marks (or peaches),</p> +<p>They hand <span class="smcap">O'Brien</span>, on the sly,</p> + <p class="i2"><i>Another</i> pair of breeches!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Black <span class="smcap">Balfour's</span> myrmidons are fooled!</p> + <p class="i2">A lesson high this teaches:</p> +<p>A plucky people is not ruled</p> + <p class="i2">By—stealing patriot's breeches!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="smcap">Brian Boru</span> they sang of yore,</p> + <p class="i2">But when her goal she reaches,</p> +<p>Erin will sing, from shore to shore,</p> + <p class="i2"><span class="smcap">O'Brien</span>—and his breeches!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Her bards will praise the patriot true,</p> + <p class="i2">His long and fiery speeches,</p> +<p>His bearding <span class="smcap">Balfour's</span> brutal crew;</p> + <p class="i2">But, above all,—his breeches!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Oh, ne'er may the potheen pass round</p> + <p class="i2">But—Erin so beseeches—</p> +<p>The Isle may with one theme resound,—</p> + <p class="i2"><span class="smcap">O'Brien</span>—and his breeches!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Hold! Though I'd fain be jingling on,</p> + <p class="i2">One rhyme, experience teaches,</p> +<p>You can't ring on for aye! I've done.</p> + <p class="i2">Farewell, <span class="smcap">O'Brien's</span> breeches!</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>The Shakspearian Question.</h2> + +<p><i>An Actor's opinion on the Bacon v. +Shakspeare controversy, expressed in a +strictly professional cryptogrammatic style.</i></p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span> written by a chap called +<span class="smcap">Bacon</span>, my boy? Very likely; I always +found 'lots of fat' in it."</p> + +<p><i>Another (at Brighton, by an Ancient +Mariner who sticks to the "Old Ship").</i></p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Bacon</span> wrote <span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span>? Well, perhaps +he did. He was a clever chap, was dear old +<span class="smcap">Arthur Bacon</span>; but still, somehow, I don't +think he wrote <span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span>. At least not +all of it."</p> +<p><a class="pagenum" id="page_275" >[pg 275]</a></p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%"> +<h3>INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 54.</h3> +<a href="images/illus275.png"> +<img src="images/illus275.png" width="100%" alt="THE PARLIAMENTARY CATTLE-SHOW." title="THE PARLIAMENTARY CATTLE-SHOW." /> +</a> +<h3>THE PARLIAMENTARY CATTLE-SHOW.</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>ON THEATRICAL PICTURE-POSTERS.</h2> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir</span>,—I used to be a very regular attendant at the Theatres. I +am not so now, and I find that by staying away, I have time at +my disposal, which I never had before, for reading, study, and social +intercourse. I save my money and preserve my health. And for +this I have most sincerely to thank the Managers of our London +Theatres, who, within the last few years, have adopted a style of +pictorial advertisement, which, though possibly attractive to simple-minded +folk, or restless youth, exercises a singularly deterrent effect +on the middle-aged playgoer, and on all imaginative and timid +persons, especially of the feminine gender.</p> + +<p>For example, speaking as a mediævalist, or one of the middle-ages, +if I see a huge coloured picture on a hoarding representing several +sensational situations which form a frame for the culminating horror +of the play in the centre, as an old stager I know that play from +beginning to end, and take in the whole plot at a glance. I can +imagine the dialogue without doing much injury to the author, and, +as I have seen the principal actors and actresses, I can, in my own +mind, furnish the piece with a cast probably far superior to that at +the particular theatre where the melodrama, thus pictorially advertised, +is being performed. The scenery and costumes I have before +me on the hoarding. This applies to several theatres. As to +timid ladies they shrink from seeing the realisation of the terrible +situations depicted on the picture-poster. They have seen quite +enough: they will wait until something less startling shall be +substituted for this display of crime, cruelty, and violence.</p> + +<p>It is really very kind of the Managers to provide for outsiders in +this way, but the outsiders remain outsiders, and have no desire to +enter these chambers of Dramatic Horrors. As a supporter of shows +and exhibitions, with considerable experience, I know well enough +that the representation outside the booth is very much superior to +the reality within; for example, the outside picture of a Fat +Woman exaggerates the corpulence of the Lady on view inside the +caravan; the Mermaid is most attractive in the picture, probably +floating about playing a harp, while the reality is a dummy figure +composed of a monkey's and cat's skin sewn together and stuffed. +I hope the Managers will develop their pictorial advertisements +still further; I speak selfishly, as if everyone takes my view, +where will the audiences be?</p> + +<p>The only advertisements that ever attract me, and cause me to +say, "Ah! I should like to see <i>that</i>!" are those which, on closer +inspection, I find to be only the artistic trade-marks of some new soap, +beetle-powder, peculiar whiskey, sewing machines, or soothing +syrup. Pray, Sir, do all you can to encourage Theatrical Art in +Mural Decorations, and save the time and money of, + +<span class="author">Yours, <span class="i6 smcap">Pater Familias.</span></span> </p> + +<p>P.S.—I shall take my boys in holiday time the round of the +hoardings, and tell them all about the plays. Cheap entertainment, +eh?</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Blundell Maple</span>, M. P. elect for Dulwich—not by any means +a dullidge sort of constituency in the opinion of the Conservative +Candidate's Agent—is to be congratulated on attaining his majority. +When he has prepared his maiden speech for the House, he may hum +to himself:—</p> + +<p class="center">"Now I'm furnished, Now I'm furnished for my flight!"</p> + +<p><a class="pagenum" id="page_276" >[pg 276]</a></p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE FUTURE POSITION OF THE ARMY.</h2> + +<h3><i>A Sketch founded on the Suggestions of "The Greatest Briton."</i></h3> + +<h3><span class="smcap">Part I.</span>—<i>Before the G. B. took the matter in hand.</i></h3> + +<p>"I am heartily glad you have come," said the Commander-in-Chief +(patented), throwing down the <i>Fortnightly</i>, "because this +article upon the present condition of the Army, by the Author of +<i>Greater Britain</i>, has put me out completely."</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%"> +<a href="images/illus276a.png"> +<img src="images/illus276a.png" width="100%" alt="En Retraite." title="En Retraite." /></a> +<h3>"En Retraite."</h3> +</div> + +<p>"I glanced at it, but could not get through it," replied <i>the</i> Field +Marshal. "What does he say?"</p> + +<p>"Well, so far as I can make out, that in the time of war all the +Militia will be drafted into the Army, and all the Coast Guards into +the Navy, and both will disappear together with the Army and the +Navy in the first battle."</p> + +<p>"Anything else?"</p> + +<p>"Well," continued <span class="smcap">George Ranger</span>, re-opening the Magazine, +"he seems to think that we have got enough men, if we can't get +more, but that we must defend India with the aid of compulsory +service, although, for various 'religious and commercial reasons, +almost peculiar to England, the non-adoption of Conscription is +certain.'"</p> + +<p>"From this I take it the article is slightly mixed?"</p> + +<p>"It is—and I am bothered entirely!" replied the poor Duke, who +had a habit, when worried, of returning to the brogue he used as +Prince <span class="smcap">George</span> in Ireland, in his youth. "What will I do? Look +there now, we have cut down everything to starvation proportions, to +please Lord <span class="smcap">Grandolph</span>, to say nothing of upsetting the entire +machinery of the War Office, to save the salary of the Surveyor-General +of the Ordnance. Sure, what more will I do?"</p> + +<p>"Read this," replied <i>the</i> Field Marshal, giving to H. R. H. a +packet. "If War is declared, open it, and act upon the orders +contained in it."</p> + +<p>And, with this, <i>Punch</i>, the greatest modern strategist, bowed, +and retired.</p> + +<h3><span class="smcap">Part II.</span>—<i>After the G. B. took the matter in hand.</i></h3> + +<p>Two months later Europe, shaken by the mightiest conflict of this +century, was beginning to regain her composure. It would be unwise +(for it might offend foreign susceptibilities) to give the names +of the victories that had added fresh lustre to the British arms. +Suffice it to say that not a single reverse had been recorded. Once +more <i>the</i> Field Marshal entered the room of the Commander-in-Chief +(patented).</p> + +<p>"Well, <span class="smcap">George</span>, how goes it?" asked the foremost soldier of +the age. The Commander-in-Chief (patented) fell upon his knees +and kissed the spurs of his master's boots.</p> + +<p>"Nay, this show of gratitude is pleasing, but embarrassing. +Remember, <span class="smcap">George</span>, you are of Royal Blood," and <i>the</i> Field-Marshal +gently and kindly assisted the Patented One to rise.</p> + +<p>"I cannot help it," returned <span class="smcap">George</span>, with a burst of almost painful +emotion. "You have done so much for us."</p> + +<p>"Not at all," observed <i>Punch</i> with a smile, "that packet certainly +contained a few suggestions of some value."</p> + +<p>"Why, they saved the country! How should we have horsed the +Cavalry and Artillery, if we had not entered on peace contracts with +the Directors of Pickford's, the London General Omnibus Company, +the Road Cars, the Tramways, and the Herne Bay Bathing Machine +Owners. The last were not easily persuaded to act with us, as +somehow the requisition of their quadrupeds seemed to interfere with +the success of the Thanet Harriers."</p> + +<p>"But they gave in at last?"</p> + +<p>"Certainly, patriotism was the rule without exception. Then +the compulsory service of their <i>employés</i> in the Volunteers, insisted +upon by all the West End Tradesmen and employers of labour +throughout the land, had the best effects. Why some of the finest +troops in the world came from <span class="smcap">Schoolbred's</span>, <span class="smcap">Whiteley's</span>, the Army +and Navy Stores, and <span class="smcap">Smith and Sons</span>."</p> + +<p>"And the Inns of Court, the Universities, and the Medical +Colleges also insisted upon continued efficient service in the Volunteer +ranks to secure the advantage of audience in the Courts and Registration +as Doctors, didn't they?"</p> + +<p>"Certainly! Oh, it was grand! Then we got as much Cavalry +as we required from the farmers, and the Yeomanry, and purchased +the entire stock of guns from the Continent.—Just as you told me +to do."</p> + +<p>"Quite right," said <i>Punch</i>, "after all, guns and ammunition are +only a question of figures. I suppose the British Army in India was +recalled home and distributed amongst the Colonies, as I suggested, +and the Native Troops that were not quite trustworthy treated in +the same manner?"</p> + +<p>"Assuredly, yes, and they have given an admirable account of +themselves in Australia and Canada." Then <span class="smcap">George</span> hesitated. +"But you would not tell me how you supplied their places in India. +You merely asked for transport for your Army of Reserves."</p> + +<p>"Quite so," said <i>Punch</i>, with a smile. "But, now that peace is +decided upon, and all but declared, I need keep silence no longer. +The fact is, I fought the Russians with an Army of Germans and +Italians, under the command of my friend Sir <span class="smcap">Frederick Roberts</span>."</p> + +<p>"Germans and Italians! Where <i>did</i> you get them from?"</p> + +<p>"From places where they were ruining our working-poor and doing +themselves no permanent good. I shipped them from Hatton Garden +and Whitechapel. My country saved, the welfare of the world in +general demands my restored attention. It shall have it."</p> + +<p>And full of this truly benevolent intention, <i>Mr. Punch</i> returned +to Fleet Street.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<div class="figright" style="width:30%"> +<a href="images/illus276b.png"> +<img src="images/illus276b.png" width="100%" alt="Odd Volumes." title="Odd Volumes." /></a> +<p class="center">Odd Volumes.</p> +</div> + +<p><span class="smcap">From</span> <i>The Personal Remembrances</i> of Sir <span class="smcap">Frederick Pollock</span> +(<span class="smcap">Macmillan & Co.</span>) I had, I confess, expected a great deal more +than I found in the two +volumes. And I hold that +I had a right to expect +something more than usually +interesting from the +Remembrances of the +Queen's Remembrancer. +What Sir <span class="smcap">Frederick</span> remembers +as Remembrancer +to the <span class="smcap">Queen</span> is very little, +though quite sufficient for +the office; but his own recollections +as his own +Remembrancer are very +pleasant reading, being full +of information given in an unpretentious conversational style, about +Cambridge University life, the Bench and the Bar, and Literary +Society generally. There is a good deal of eating and drinking +recorded—not too much, perhaps, for the necessities of social life; +and the "C. C. S.," or Cambridge Conversazione Society seems to +have been very regular in its intellectual gatherings at various places +where good food is provided. This Club, limited to twelve members, +was called somewhat profanely "The Twelve Apostles," though of +what they were Apostles I cannot make out. They have evidently +an Apostolic Succession, as the Club is still in existence, I believe. +Altogether, among this sudden glut in the market of literary confidences +in the shape of ducal, journalistic, artistic, and egotistic +recollections, this may be taken up as a chatty and readable book.</p> + +<p><i>Woman's World</i> for December, edited by our <span class="smcap">Oscar Wilde</span>, is +full of woman's wit, and some of the illustrations, especially in the +department of The Fashions, are charming. What a change from +the old style of painted doll inanities, dressed up in a style never +seen in real life! The picture of the three pretty women preparing +for a ball is a candle to attract male moths—"male moths" being +obviously the opposite to "ma'am—moths," as that undefeated +punster <span class="smcap">Samuel Johnson</span> would have said under certain circumstances. +Mrs. <span class="smcap">Campbell Praed's</span> account of Royat is very amusing; +but, though I have been several times up to La Charrade, yet +never have I had the good fortune to come across Madame <span class="smcap">Grenon</span>, +who, if her portrait, as given in this number, is a genuine likeness, +ought to be one of the attractions of the environs of Royat. Good, +honest, kindly faces I saw at Charrade, but why this uncommonly +pretty one hid herself, as she must have done whenever she +saw this distinguished water-drinker coming to Charrade is a charade +to me. The general remarks on the Stage by the lamented Authoress +of <i>John Halifax</i>, whose recent loss we all deplore, are very interesting, +as recording the impressions of a good, pure-minded +woman, whose acquaintance with the <i>vie intime</i> of the Theatre was +limited. The portraits of Miss <span class="smcap">Anderson</span> are not particularly +flattering—rather shady, which is the one thing that no one shall +ever unchallenged say of our sweet and gentle <i>Perdita</i> in the hearing +of your rather deaf + +<span class="author smcap">Polixenes, Baron de Book Worms.</span></p> +<p> </p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:5%; margin-right:3em"> +<img src="images/illus276c.png" width="100%" alt="Illustration" /> +</div> +<div> +<p class="hang"> +<strong>NOTICE.</strong>—Rejected Communications or Contributions, +whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, +will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and +Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no +exception.</p></div> + +<div class="transnote"> +<p>Transcriber's Note:</p> +<p>Punctuation normalized.</p> +<p>Questionable spellings underlined with original spelling contained in "mouseover"* text box.</p> +<p>[*] A Mouseover or hover box refers to a GUI event that is raised when the user +moves or "hovers" the cursor over a particular text.</p> +</div> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. +93, December 10, 1887, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, LONDON CHARIVARI, DEC 10, 1887 *** + +***** This file should be named 39437-h.htm or 39437-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/9/4/3/39437/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Wayne Hammond, +Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 93, December 10, 1887 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: April 12, 2012 [EBook #39437] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, LONDON CHARIVARI, DEC 10, 1887 *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Wayne Hammond, +Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + PUNCH, + + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOL. 93. + + DECEMBER 10, 1887 + + + THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P. + + FROM THE ROCHDALE RASPER (LATE THE BIRMINGHAM PET). + + _One Ash, Rochdale, Saturday._ + + DEAR TOBY, + +The address from which I write to you is familiar in the public ear in +connection with a long series which, such is the ignorance of mankind, I +have heard described as petulant, querulous, self-adulatory notes. I +have often wondered that it has not occurred to any one to notice the +singular appropriateness of the name of my humble home. It is not for +me, at my time of life, to claim anything like prescience of affairs. I +may have been right in my views of the succeeding events of the past +half-century, or I may have been wrong. I will just mention that my +friend, T-NN-S-N, who has a pretty faculty for poetry, once summed me up +in a couplet which I venture to think is not without its charm. "J-HN +BR-GHT," he wrote-- + + J-HN BR-GHT + Is always right. + +He told me in confidence that he had at one time contemplated a +eulogistic poem of some seventy or eighty lines, price to the +_Nineteenth Century_ a guinea each. But, having thrown off this couplet, +it appeared in itself so sufficient, so comprehensive yet so precise, +that amplification would have rather reduced than increased its value. +Therefore it remains a brilliant fragment. + +But I am wandering from the theme, which, in the present instance, is +not myself but my country address. What I thought might be interesting +to point out is the curious felicity of the nomenclature, and the +remarkable foresight of which it is proof. More than a generation ago it +received this singular appellation. At that time nothing seemed more +remote from ordinary apprehension than that in this year I should be +what we call "a Unionist," an ally and supporter of Lord S-L-B-RY, +pulling in the same boat as the H-M-LT-NS, and marching shoulder to +shoulder with ASHM-D B-RTL-TT. In those days I was wont to pour forth +torrents of angry contempt upon the Conservative party. D-SR-LI was my +wash-pot, over the Markiss I cast out my shoe; but even then my address +was One Ash, Rochdale. Do you begin to see what I mean? One Empire, One +Parliament, One Ash! Some of my old colleagues and disciples among the +Radicals scoff at me because of my new companions. But, as usual, I have +been right from the first. _I_ have always been what the _Marchioness_ +called a "wonner." What has happened is that the Liberal Party and my +old companions have moved away from me, whilst the Conservatives have +moved towards me. I am the same to-day as yesterday, or as these fifty +years past. "J-HN BR-GHT, always right," and any change of relationship +or appearance is due to the ineradicable error and fatal foolishness of +others. + +What I feel, dear TOBY, in reviewing a long and honourable life, is the +terrible feeling of monotony. I sometimes find myself envying ordinary +men like GL-DST-NE, who, looking back over their past life, can put +their hand down and say, "There I blundered, there I was misled by +circumstances." For a long time GL-DST-NE kept pretty straight--that is +to say I agreed with him. But he has gone wrong lamentably on this Irish +Question, and all the righteous acts of his life--that is to say, steps +in which he has chanced to walk in time with me--are obliterated. It is +true that, at one time, it was I who was the foremost Apostle of Irish +National feeling. At this date people with inconvenient memories are +constantly raking up passages in my speeches about Ireland, and the +English yoke which, except that they are too finely cut, and of too +noble a style of eloquence, would exactly suit GL-DST-NE to-day. I said +these things then, it is true, and then they were right. I do not say +them to-day, and therefore they are wrong. _Quod erat demonstrandum._ +(You will observe that since, with a distinguished friend, I have joined +the political company of gentlemen, I have forsaken my old habit of +keeping to the Saxon tongue, and sometimes, as here, I drop into Latin. +Occasionally I fall into French. _Autres temps, autres moeurs._) + +My nearest approach to human frailty, is, perhaps, to be found in a +certain measure of absence of suavity. It is perhaps possible that my +temper was,--I will not say soured, but--not sweetened by the vile +attacks made upon me personally by Irish Members in Parliament during +the last ten years. You remember what B-NT-NCK said about me? I don't +mean Big Ben, or Little Ben, but Lord GEORGE B-NT-NCK. "If BR-GHT," he +said, "had not been a Quaker, he would have been a prize-fighter." I +think there is about the remark some suspicion of lack of respect. But, +also, it is not without some foundation of truth. I admit an impulse to +strike back when I am hit; sometimes when I am not. Through two +Parliaments the ragged regiment that live upon the contributions of +their poor relations in domestic service in the United States have +girded at me in the House of Commons. This was my reward for the +rhetorical services I did for Ireland a quarter of a century ago. They +pummelled me, kicked me, dragged my honoured name in the dust, and spat +upon me in the market-place. That gross ingratitude I could never +forgive, and if in reprisal, the cause I once advocated suffers, can I +be held blameable? + +But this seems to be running into the groove of apology, and I never +apologised to anyone for anything in my life. For fear I should begin +now, I will close this letter, remaining, Your friend, J-HN BR-GHT. + +P.S.--I observe that in my haste I have not called you a fool, or +directly stigmatised as such anyone alluded to in this letter. I am +afraid this will be regarded as a sign of growing weakness. But I will +bring up the average in the next letter I write for publication. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DARWINIAN ANCESTOR + +_Composing the Song, "For O it is such a Norrible Tail!!"_ + + "Our ancestor was an animal which breathed water, had a + swim-bladder, a great swimming tail, and an imperfect + skull."--_Darwin to Lyell._] + +[Illustration: THE BABES IN THE CHRISTMAS WOOD. "The Cry is still they +come!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PUTTING _HIS_ FOOT IN IT. + +_She._ "AND DO YOU STILL SQUEEZE UP THE LADIES' FEET IN YOUR COUNTRY?" + +_He._ "ON THE CONTRARY, MADAM! THAT IS A _CHINESE_ CUSTOM. WE IN JAPAN +ALWAYS ALLOW THE LADIES' FEET TO GROW TO QUITE THEIR FULL SIZE. NOT THAT +ANY WOULD EVER RIVAL _YOURS_, MADAM!" + +[_Is delighted with his neat little Compliment!_] + + * * * * * + +THE BABES IN THE CHRISTMAS WOOD. + +The Publishers' Cantata. + +_Various well-known Publishing Firms in the guise of Forest-trees +discovered shedding their leaves._ + +GENERAL CHORUS. + + See Christmas is upon us and the world around us living, + Seeks us and asks the pretty gifts it soon would fain be giving. + The stories thrilling, tender, sweet, to suit all tastes and ages, + All gleaming with their covers gay and picture-covered pages; + The dainty illustrated leaf, the paper softly tinted, + In type, to suit young eyes and old, all exquisitely printed: + Of artist's pencil, author's pen, the choicest, fairest flower, + Behold as the glad season comes we thus upon you shower. + +MESSRS. BLACKIE & SONS. + + Christmas leaves? Would you pick up the handsomest ones, + First look at these scattered by BLACKIE & SONS. + Here tales of home life and adventure in plenty, + Have good names to vouch for them. Take G. A. HENTY, + In "Bonnie Prince Charlie" and "Orange and Green," + He lays first in Scotland, then Ireland his scene, + And thrills you with reading the hairbreadth escapes, + Of the heroes he rescues from numberless scrapes. + But while in "For the Temple," he ventures to tell + How in ages long past great Jerusalem fell; + Yet if less ancient horrors are more to your mind, + In the reign of the "Terror" material you'll find; + And if you would learn how pluck never goes wrong, + You've but to go straightway to "Sturdy and Strong." + Next ELIZABETH LYSAGHT in "Aunt Hesba's Charge," + On the virtues of old Maiden Aunts doth enlarge, + And relates in "Our General" by a small head, + How a family through all its trials may be led. + Then J. PERCY GROVES in "The War of the Axe," + Tells a stirring Cape story of Caffre attacks, + And "The Seven Wise Scholars" supply ASCOTT R. HOPE, + For knocking off seven good tales, ample scope, + He in "Old Renown" stories, too, brilliantly writes + Of the deeds done of old by brave heroes and knights; + While E. BROOKES harking back with his "Chivalric Days," + Of the boys and the girls of old times sings the praise. + "Girl Neighbours," allows SARAH TYTLER to say, + On the whole she prefers the girl of the day; + In "Miss Willowbrown's Offer," how traitors may fail, + SARAH DOWDNEY describes in a well-written tale. + With "The Babbling Teapot," to a little girl changed, + Mrs. CHAMPNEY has well into Wonderland ranged. + Out of "Willie," who here "Gutta Percha" is named, + GEORGE MACDONALD, an excellent story has framed, + And has shown how he finds life's troubles prove plastic, + Possessing a brain which his friends deem elastic. + In "The Princess" and "Goblin" he tries a new scheme, + And sweeps you along with his mystical theme; + But when she meets "Curdie" he now and then treads + On ground that is over his young readers' heads. + If a truant's adventures, fair reading you find, + The good ship "Atalanta," you'd bear in your mind, + And you'll follow "aboard" it, the hero whose fate + HENRY FRITH'S thrilling pages know how to relate. + Next in "Chirp and Chatter" from field and from tree, + Young children taught lessons by L. BANKS you'll see. + "Queen Maud," with her "orders" by LOUISA CROW, + Shows pride in a haughty young maiden brought low: + While in the "Squire's Grandson," J. CALLWELL proves how + A small boy can make up a family row. + The stories of WASA and MENZIKOFF tell + Two historical tales, and do it right well. + In his "Dick o' the Fens," one Fen,--MANVILLE FENN,-- + Gives some capital studies of Lincolnshire men; + But in "Sir Walter's Ward," the age of Crusades, + Mr. WILLIAM EVERARD brightly invades. + The "Girlhood" of "Margery Merton" relates, + The struggle that oft a young artist awaits, + And how in the end her brave efforts prevail, + ALICE CORKRAN unfolds in her well-written tale. + And if "Clogs," well selected for children to wear, + You're in need, AMY WALTON will find you "a pair." + If the "Secret" of "Rovers" is more to your taste, + HARRY COLLINGWOOD follow,--your time you'll not waste. + In field, forest, or stream, would you "Insect Ways" learn, + For their "Summer Day's" life to J. HUMPHREYS turn. + But to close:--GORDON BROWNE, whose famed pencil so skilled, + Of the foregoing pages so many has filled, + Crowns the whole by contributing last, but not least, + His new "Hop o' my Thumb" and "The Beauty and Beast." + +GEORGE ROUTLEDGE & SONS. + + Are you seeking for young children picture-books to please the eye? + Then your need GEORGE ROUTLEDGE and his Sons will readily supply. + Here's "Little Wide-Awake," designed to suit the earliest age, + Bound brightly, with a picture too on nearly every page; + And then there's "Sunny Childhood," with its colouring so gay, + Where Mrs. SALE BARKER has such pleasant things to say; + And in "Our Friends" and in "Our Home" she takes them by the hand, + And talks to little readers in the words they understand. + "Our Darlings," too, by MARS, show how our little darlings fare + Who by their MARS (and Pa's as well) are taken everywhere. + If "Fairy Tales" you're seeking, LABOULAYE'S collected lore, + With new ones, and unheard before, will furnish up your store. + And if young heroes of all climes should come within your scope, + You'll turn to "Youngsters' Yarns," and will have faith in ASCOTT HOPE. + Then "Herbert Massey's" doings in "Eastern Africa" you'll find, + Told by Commander CAMERON, quite of a thrilling kind. + "The Children of the New Forest," that MARRYAT wrote of yore, + PAUL HARDY and JOHN GILBERT join to illustrate once more. + "Round Nature's Dial," by H. M. BURNSIDE, tells full and clear + The shifting story of the times and seasons of the year. + The "Annual" for "Every Boy" affords all boys a treat, + Which, thanks to EDMUND ROUTLEDGE, may be held as quite complete. + Here "Caldecott's last 'Graphic' Pictures" come in handy guise, + While by her "Book" consulting, the "Young Lady" may grow wise. + How good we'd be if all, before they do, to think would tarry + On what Miss EDGEWORTH taught to "Lucy," "Rosamond," and "Harry." + "Natural History," Illustrated "for Young People," must do good, + As a text-book for young children, ably done by F. G. WOOD. + The "Funny Foxes and their Feats" and doings "at the Fair," + With some of ERNST GRISET'S happiest efforts may compare. + "The 'Shall Nots' of the Bible" and "Loving Links" combine, + In page illuminated, human verse and text divine. + "Play and Earnest" tells of children who their playing much enjoy, + In a story quaint and charming of a plucky little boy. + Then "Sunbeam Stories," "Storm" and "Sunshine," told in prose and + rhyme, + And "Stories" for a "Holiday," as also "Pets' Pastime." + These, with "Sindbad's" famed Adventures, new to many we suppose, + With KATE GREENAWAY'S bright Almanack our list must fitly close. + +MESSRS. MACMILLAN & CO. + + Surely "Little Miss Peggy" will work you the spell + Mrs. MOLESWORTH'S charmed pen weaves so deftly and well, + For this quaint little lady, with ways sweet and bright, + Her small nursery readers can't fail to delight. + In "An Unknown Country" pen and pencil beguile + Him who tempts it to visit his own Sister Isle. + The text he'll find art a true handmaid to wait on + In the exquisite work of F. NOEL PATON. + + * * * * * + +Christmas Cards. + + Of Christmas Cards a splendid show + This year! Wherever you may go + You see them. When you're told, you know + They're Christmas Cards. + In such a game of Cards the thing + Before the eyes of all to bring + Is Christmas, but they're Summer, Spring, + Most Christmas Cards. + + * * * * * + + Taking high rank among the Christmas Cards, + The artistic reproductions, MARCUS WARD'S, + Of two of RAPHAEL'S best-known Madonnas + Must, at this season, carry off the honours. + Both from one Pitti Palace--need we name them?-- + 'Twould be a thousand pities not to frame them. + +(AIR--"_King of the Cannibal Islands._") + + Here's an "Opal Souvenir," + Lovely _mem_ of present year, + And it comes from, as we hear, + HILDESHEIMER AND FAULKNER. + Among the Cards the best designs + Are those by WEEDON, WILSON, HINES, + BOTHAMS, DEALY also shines, + KILBURNE, DRUMMOND, on like lines, + WILLIAMSON, MAGUIRE too, + SIGIMUND, artistic crew, + All at work their best to do + For HILDESHEIMER AND FAULKNER. + +(AIR--"_Rare Ben._") + + RAPHAEL TUCK! + Here's luck! + Rejoice! no dumps! + Why, all your Cards are trumps! + And all applied + To merry Christmas-tide! + In these un-Christmas days, + _Punch_ says 'tis greatly to thy praise. + So, RAPHAEL TUCK, + My buck, + Here's luck! + +_To Mr. Punch._ + + "Such books, cards, and crackers," cries Poet, perplexed, + "As remain on the list, I will give 'in our next.'" + + * * * * * + +OUR DEBATING CLUB. + +_An apology--Eloquent Peroration by our Vice-President_--NAYLOR _offers +some critical remarks, and_ KIRKSTONE _relates a humorous anecdote_. + +I am in a position this week to redeem my promise, and raise the +hitherto impenetrable veil that has long shrouded the proceedings of the +Gargoyle Club from the Public Eye. In the exercise of the discretion +with which I have been entrusted, I have somewhat departed from the form +of report originally contemplated, and selected only the more striking +and characteristic deliverances of my fellow Gargoyles, interspersed +with such short notes and descriptions as may best serve to bring out +their several mannerisms and idiosyncrasies. Should I offend by this I +shall deeply regret it, but I find that there are traditions and customs +in the management of a facetious periodical which, however exacting and +absurd in themselves, must be respected by those who would furnish it +with literary matter. + +Having thus apologised in advance to any honourable Gargoyle who may +consider himself misrepresented or insufficiently reported, let me +present, as the first instalment of these papers, some extracts from +notes taken at a most instructive debate last session upon the motion +(brought forward by PLUMLEY DUFF; opposed by GASPARD HARTUPP), that: + +"In the opinion of this House, Science has been productive of more real +benefit to the Human Race than Art." + +Somehow, although I know that DUFF'S speech was compounded of plain +common sense interspersed with abundant facts (all DUFF'S speeches are +like that), I did not begin to take notes that evening until HARTUPP had +reached his peroration, which was in this form:-- + +"Sir," said HARTUPP (_with an inflection of unspeakable pathos in his +voice, which ought to make_ PINCENEY _shed tears--but does not_), +"before I sit down--before, Sir, I resume my seat,"--(_this solemnly, as +if he has a deep presentiment that he may never resume another +seat_)--"let me ask the Honourable Member who is responsible for the +Motion on the paper this evening--let me put to him this single inquiry, +this solitary question--and I shall await his answer with considerable +curiosity." ... (_Here_ HARTUPP _gazes with an air of challenge at_ +DUFF, _who, however, is drawing_ EUCLID'S _first proposition upon his +blotting-pad, an occupation which seems to absorb the whole of his +faculties for the moment_.) "Is he here to-night to deny the existence +of any good that is not visible, that is not tangible, that cannot be +measured with a tape, or weighed in scales? _Sir_, that is the +philosophy of the volatile sparrow, of the soulless hog, that skims the +vault of the azure empyrean, and wallows content in the mire of his +native sky--I _should_ say" (_with an air of careless concession to +prosaic accuracy_), "stye! That bird, Sir, that pig, like the Honourable +Proposer himself"--(_a titter here from the more frivolous_; DUFF _rubs +his nose, and evidently wonders whether_ HARTUPP _has been saying +anything worth noticing_)--"would find the universe none the poorer had +PRAXITELES carved nothing more immortal than an occasional cold fowl; +had HOMER swept his lyre, not in commemoration of the fall of an ancient +Troy, but to celebrate the rise of a new soap (HARTUPP _rather prides +himself on his talent for antithesis_); "and had TITIAN lavished all his +wealth of glowing colour and gorgeous hues upon the unretentive surface +of some suburban pavement! But, _Sir_, I hope that we, by our vote +to-night, will afford no encouragement to the gross and contemptible +materialism which is the curse of the present day, and of which, I am +compelled to add," (_here he glances reproachfully at the unconscious_ +DUFF, _who is sharpening a pencil_), "we have been afforded so +melancholy an example this evening. Let us proclaim to the world without +that we, as Gentlemen and as Gargoyles, repudiate, that we loathe, that +we abhor, that we abominate," (HARTUPP _seems to be screwing all these +verbs out of himself, and throwing them defiantly at_ DUFF,) "the +grovelling tendency of our animal nature to ignore the joys of the soul +and the pleasures of the intellect, and place its highest enjoyment in +the ignoble pursuit of creature comforts!" + +[_Here_ HARTUPP _sits down amidst applause, and applies himself +diligently to his whiskey-and-water_. + +At a later period in the evening, just as the debate was beginning to +languish, NAYLOR started to his feet with a long strip of paper which, +being shortsighted, he held close to his nose. NAYLOR invariably takes +elaborate notes, with the intention of pointing out and refuting the +errors of all previous speakers. Unfortunately, as he cannot always read +the notes, and seldom remembers the objections he meant to urge, his +criticisms are not as effective as could be desired. On this occasion, +NAYLOR said:--"I'm not going to make a speech, Sir, I only want to point +out one or two things which struck me as requiring to be met. I'll take +them in their order." (_Here he fumbles with his strip of paper, which +will get upside down when he wished to refer to it_). "Oh, here it is! +There was a Gargoyle who said--I believe it was the Proposer of this +motion--_didn't_ you?" (_To_ DUFF, _who shakes his head in solemn +disclaimer_). "Well, it was somebody, anyway, but he told us that----." +(_Here_ NAYLOR _again refers to his notes_). "I'm afraid I can't exactly +make out what he did say--but I don't agree with him. Then there was +another speaker who said, (I took it down at the time) that he'd rather +have a good traction-engine than the finest poem ever written! Well, my +reply to _that_ is----" (_here_ NAYLOR _has another wrestle with his +notes and comes up triumphant_) "that's _his_ opinion. I wouldn't. Next, +someone asked, 'What practical use was SHAKSPEARE to any man?'" (_A +pause._) "I've got an answer to that on my notes, somewhere, only I +can't find it. But, anyhow," (_cheerfully_) "I know it was rather +sticking up for SHAKSPEARE, to a certain extent. Then, didn't someone +else say, 'Music elevated the mind?'" (_A Member acknowledges the +responsibility of this bold sentiment._) "Well, I don't say it +doesn't--only, _how_? you know, that's the point!" (_A long pause, +during which_ NAYLOR _and his notes appears to be getting inextricably +involved_). "There was a lot of other things I meant to say, but I'm +afraid I don't quite remember them at this moment." + +With this, NAYLOR sat down suddenly, apparently very little depressed by +the total absence of applause--he knew that a fearless critic is never +popular. + +After that we had a little speech from dear old KIRKSTONE, who rose to +tell us an anecdote, which the subject had suggested to him. Appropriate +anecdotes are always occurring to KIRKSTONE, and he applies them in the +neatest and happiest manner, being gifted with the keenest sense of +humour of any one in our Society. In fact, the very keenness of +KIRKSTONE'S appreciation operates almost as a disadvantage, as will be +seen from the following extract, taken on the spot. + +_Kirkstone (rising, and playing with his watch-chain)._ "Sir, whilst +listening to the speeches of Honourable Members this evening, I could +not help being reminded of a story I heard the other day." (_Here a +slight spasm passes over his ample cheeks, and we all settle down in +delighted anticipation_). "There was an old farmer--one of the regular +old-fashioned sort." (_Faint preliminary chuckle down in_ KIRKSTONE'S +_throat_.) "Well, he had a daughter, who--_tchick!_--played on +the--_tehee!_--the piano, and one day he was induced to go in for +a"--(_convulsion, followed by sounds like the extraction of a very +refractory cork_)--"for a Steam-plough! Soon afterwards he happened to +meet a friend--another farmer, or the parson, I forget which, and it +don't signify. Well, and the friend asked 'how he got on with his +Steam-plough.' And the old farmer says--_hork-hork!_--he says, 'Don't +talk to me 'bout no Steam-plough--_ki-hee-hee!_--when there's my darter +at home, and she--_crick, crick, criggle!_' (KIRKSTONE _proceeds +gallantly, but is unintelligible until the close_)--'with her darned +pianner--_haw-haw-haw!_' Well, the House can apply the moral of that +themselves--I thought it was rather to the point myself. That's all I +got up to say." + +I am afraid KIRKSTONE thinks we are all of us rather dull. + + * * * * * + +A DRAMATIC ORATORIO. + +[Illustration] + +Mr. FREDERIC H. COWEN'S dramatic Oratorio, _Ruth_, was produced last +Thursday at St. James's Hall, and the verdict on the entire work from +"bar one" to bar last was emphatically favourable. The Composer has +nothing to regret on this score. The workmanship throughout is +thoroughly good, and in some instances admirable, though the First Part +is not distinguished by any very striking originality. + +In the Second Part, which begins appropriately with Harvest or "Half-est +time," Mr. BOAZ LLOYD gave a very trying _scena_ magnificently. But why +does he pronounce "excellent" as "ex_cee_lent?" Perhaps he has +ascertained on undeniable authority that this is the way _Boaz_ would +have pronounced it. _A propos_ of this eminent tenor, on one occasion, +not this, there was very nearly being a duel about his identity. An +Irish gentleman, turning to his friend, informed him, "That's SIMS +REEVES," whereupon his better informed companion returned, "He! LLOYD!" +which, but for a toimely explanation, begorra, would have led +to a challenge! + +To resume. The "Dance of Reapers and Gleaners" must have sounded rather +out of place in Worcester Cathedral, where _Ruth_ was first produced. In +the Chorus of the Reapers and Gleaners, who were not in the least out of +breath with their dance--but perhaps these had only been delighted +spectators--full justice was done to the finest number in the +Oratorio--at least, so it appeared to the humble individual who had the +honour of representing you on this occasion. Then in the duet, + + LLOYD and ALBANI + As _Boaz_ and _Ruth_, + Were perfect, no blarney, + I'm telling the truth. + +The applause was enthusiastic: indeed, not only in this instance, but +throughout the performance, these two sang magnificently. _Boaz_ must +have been a very kind man; at all events, as _Boaz_ and _Ruth_ are +invariably heard of together, it is clear that he could never be accused +of being Ruthless. + +Now, just one question: the Book of Words with musical phrases, is sold +in the room, and on the title-page we read that "the words are +selected,"--most judiciously too--by Mr. JOSEPH BENNETT, and "the Book +of Words" is fitted "with analytical notes by JOSEPH BENNETT,"--though +we should have thought that Mr. COWEN'S notes were sufficient by +themselves. Then we find the analytical Noter saying at the end of Part +I., "_The assertion may safely be made, that no poetical situation in +dramatic Oratorio, has been treated more successfully than the +foregoing._" Now, suppose this were a book of a new Opera, would it be +right and proper for the librettist who had adapted the subject from +SHAKSPEARE, for example, to give his opinion on the work of his +_collaborateur_? Wouldn't this be taking an unfair advantage of his +position? It doesn't matter in this case, as I perfectly agree with him, +but it is the principle, whatever it may be, for which I contend, and +sign myself, + + Your Musical Representative, PETER PIPER. + + * * * * * + +UNCLE REMUS ON C. S. P-RN-LL.--"Brer Fox he lay low." + + * * * * * + +SHOWS VIEWS. + +[Illustration] + +Amongst entertainments of a pleasing character the performances of "Mr. +and Mrs. GERMAN REED" hold their own gallantly. At the present moment a +little play called _Tally Ho_ is occupying the boards, much to the +delight of those serious pleasure-seekers who consider a box at a +theatre wicked, but find no particular harm in the stalls of St. +George's Hall. Mr. ALFRED REED and Miss FANNY HOLLAND are as amusing as +ever, and the music is all that could be desired. The dialogue of the +piece, or entertainment, or whatever it is, is not too new. I fancy the +author must have seen _London Assurance_, and listened to _Lady Gay +Spanker's_ description of the fox chase. And having seen the piece and +heard the speech, possibly read the burlesque thereon by the late +GILBERT ABBOTT A BECKETT, in the _Scenes from Rejected Comedies_, +published as long ago as the forties. "How time flies!" as a lady behind +me observed, after expressing her opinion that Mr. CORNEY GRAIN was +better than his pupil--JOHN PARRY! "I remember him as far back as a +quarter of a century," continued the fair dame, "and didn't you hear him +say he was over fifty years old when he sang that song calling himself +an old fogey?" Mr. GRAIN fails to do himself justice when he assumes an +elderly air inconsistent with the number of his summers. Such an +assumption can but cause pain--to his contemporaries! + +On Thursday last _The Woman Hater_ was produced for the first time in +London at Mr. TERRY'S Theatre (on the grounds that familiarity breeds +contempt, I prefer to allow the actor to retain his titular prefix), +with more or less success. On the whole I condole with our country +cousins if they have been allowed to see this strange play very +frequently. Personally I would not care to form a part of any audience +at Mr. TERRY'S Theatre during its run, which I am bound to add I am +afraid will not be a long one. The construction of the three-act farce +(as it is called) is feeble in the extreme, and suggests that the +author, from a literary point of view, has a great deal to learn. I do +not think (unless his future pieces are very unlike _The Woman Hater_) +that he will have much chance of gaining a permanent position in the +Temple of Fame. This is merely a matter of opinion, but, speaking for +myself, had I a theatre (which I should call of course Mr. Thingembob's +Theatre, or the Theatre Royal Dash Blank, Esq.), I believe I should +somehow or other instinctively avoid the works of Mr. DAVID LLOYD for +some time to come. That is to say if he confined his pen to farce and +comedy. It is quite possible he may be much more at home in tragedy. As +a fact, there is a sort of gloomy glamour about _The Woman Hater_ that +suggests the reflection that, after all, the play might have been more +exciting if a murder had been skilfully introduced into Act I., and it +had been written throughout in blank verse. I think the lover, _Tom +Ripley_, might thus have been murdered with or without (for preference, +with) his sweetheart. Early in Act II. the character very nicely played +by Mr. KEMBLE might have committed suicide, with one or two others; for +choice, others. Act III. might have been allowed (after the necessary +alterations had been made to fit it to the requirements of the novel +development of the original plot) to stand as it is. In its present form +the incidents connected with the spiriting away (after a desperate and +revolting fight with the keepers) of the hero to a Lunatic Asylum, are, +to say the least, unpleasant. Mr. BISHOP, as the psychological +specialist (the resident medical superintendent of the licensed house), +was excellent. It is a question, however, whether those well-intentioned +representatives of the LORD CHANCELLOR, the Commissioners in Lunacy, +would have been entirely satisfied with his action in connection with +the incarceration of one sane patient in the place of another patient +equally free from mental disease. But that is a matter affecting the +author rather than the player. Miss M. A. VICTOR, as a widow lady of +great wealth and superior position, was, of course, quite in her +element, and gave an admirable sketch of a British matron from Belgravia +or Mayfair. Mr. TERRY, too, deserves a word of praise for his own droll +performances, which caused more than once, on the first night, a burst +of hearty laughter. Pleasantry apart, in spite of the acting, good all +round, I fear _The Woman Hater_ will soon have to return to the +provinces, to make room for something just a little better suited to the +London requirements of Mr. TERRY and the audiences of Mr. TERRY'S +Theatre. + + * * * * * + +NEW BOOK.--_The Green Ways of England._ By a Warwickshire Man. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SO VERY LIKELY. + +_Small Rustic (to Brown, whose Champion North-Caspian Bear-hound has +just gobbled up one of Farmer Rackstraw's Prize Rabbits, which had got +out of the hutch)._ "IF YER'LL GI' ME TUPPENCE, ZUR, I'LL SWEAR _IT WOS +THE RABBIT AS BEGUN IT_!"] + + * * * * * + +ON THE WRONG SCENT. + +_Master of Hounds, loquitur_:-- + + "_Slow in pursuit, but matched in mouths like bells. + Each under each._" So SHAKSPEARE'S _Theseus_ tells + The merits of his tuneful Spartan pack. + Would I could echo it concerning mine! + Tut, tut! They're off again on their own line. + Come back, ye fools, come back! + + I envy _Theseus_! Just the sort of hounds + For a true Tory huntsman; kept in bounds + By discipline none ventures to defy. + With such a pack I should be well content; + But some of mine are keen on a false scent, + And off on a wild cry. + + Oh, these young dogs! They think disorder's dash; + Heedless of horn, rebellious to the lash; + Just now, too, when our quarry is so clear! + Oh, hang the howling, yelping, whimpering lot! + On a fine herring-trail the fools have got. + They'll spoil the chase, I fear. + + Come back! Come back! What, "VINCENT," "BARTLETT," ho! + This sort of thing won't pay at all, you know. + We are not, now, after _that_ sort of game. + Ah, sweet _Sir Roger_, our _Spectator's_ friend. + What would you say to this? Come, let it end. + For shame, ye curs, for shame! + + ADDISON'S "good old Knight" was happier far. + In his well-ordered pack the casual jar + Of a raw dog or "noted Liar" met + No recognition; no, "he might have yelped + His heart out," but the row had nothing helped + The hounds astray to set. + + Here be "notorious Liars" in full force + (The epithet is technical, of course). + "TORRINGTON," back! Back, "STANLEY"! "ECROYD," back! + Heed "the old hounds of reputation" here. + This shindy must be stopped, or 'twill, I fear, + Demoralise the pack! + + * * * * * + +THE OLDEST SKETCHING CLUB IN THE WORLD. + +At the house of NAT LANGHAM young men were taught how to use their hands +skilfully years agone; at the home of _the_ LANGHAM their hands are +trained with equal care and discretion, with a different end in view. At +the former they were excited, at the latter they are soothed. The +spirits of the last are finer, if less ardent, than those of the first. +Friday cannot be unlucky, for all their sketches are produced on that +proverbially unfortunate day. A subject is given, and in two hours, over +pipes and coffee, it is completed. Marvellous these rapid acts of +sketchmanship! The Impressionists nowhere! The result? Well, go to the +Gallery, 23, Baker Street. Look at the collection of pictures--on the +two hours' system--by Messrs. STACEY MARKS, CALDERON, FRED WALKER, +HODGSON, CATTERMOLE, B. W. LEADER, CHARLES KEENE, E. HAYES, H. MOORE, +VICAT COLE, FRANK DICKSEE, E. DUNCAN, C. J. LEWIS, F. WEEKES, CARL HAAG, +and other clever gentlemen, and see if _Mr. Punch_ is not right in his +commendation. The Langham Sketching Club has existed over half a +century, and this is its first public exhibition. Ah! well, it is never +too late to mend. + + * * * * * + +The Winter's Tale at the Lyceum. + + There's a charm in her innocent glances, + A charm in her step when she dances, + For _Perdita_, "nary + A one," like our MARY, + The sweetest of Sweet Willum's fancies. + + To those who may not have heard it, a + Chance most distinct will be _Perdita_. + So, see now, we say, + MARY ANDERSON play, + You'll regret, when too late you've deferred it, Ah! + + * * * * * + +The Latest and Best from Berlin. + +The Crown Prince was reported last week to be decidedly better. May it +be so, and so go on. "His Imperial Highness," wrote the Correspondent of +the _Standard_, "continues to express the fullest confidence in Sir +MORELL MACKENZIE." And _Mr. Punch_, in the name of all Englishmen who +are uninfluenced by any feeling akin to professional jealousy, "says +ditto," to the Crown Prince. _Prosit!_ + + * * * * * + +Mrs. R. is astonished that the English do not name streets and places +after the names of their great Poets and their works. She says she only +remembers two exceptions; one was a _Hamlet_ in the Country, and the +other was _Wandsworth_; the latter being so called after the Poet who +wrote _The Excursion_,--probably, she thinks, a cheap excursion to this +very spot, which is within a cab-fare of town. + + * * * * * + +The Third Edition of Mr. FRITH'S Recollections is now out. We hear it is +dedicated to Archdeacon SUMNER, and that the motto selected is the +nautical quotation, "Port it is!" + +[Illustration: ON THE WRONG SCENT. + +LORD SALISBURY, M.F.H. "CONFOUND THOSE YOUNG HOUNDS!--THEY'RE TAKING A +LINE OF THEIR OWN!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PIG-HEADED ATTACK ON THE IMMORTAL BARD.] + + * * * * * + +A DISPUTED WILL. + +DEAR SIR,--Mr. DONNELLY'S cryptogram, showing BACON to be the author of +all SHAKSPEARE'S plays, is a wonderful discovery. The principle only +needs to be applied with sufficient ingenuity and perseverance, to +revolutionise the whole field of literary history. I myself have only +had time to apply it in a few instances, but have already got the really +valuable result that NEGRETTI and ZAMBRA wrote most of the works of +MILTON. DAY and MARTIN LUTHER wrote _Sandford and Merton_, and Sir +WALTER SCOTT wrote the ballad with the refrain "_Two Lovely Black +Eyes_." CHARLES THACKERAY'S works were entirely written by WILLIAM +MAKEPEACE DICKENS. Hence the cryptogrammatic name. I am working as hard +at the theory as the somewhat unelastic rules of this establishment will +permit, and this morning I caught a cryptogram crawling up the +window-pane. Aha! excuse my glove, I must dissemble, + + _Colney-Hatchwell_. Yours, THE "B" IN BOTH. + +SIR,--You are performing a truly noble and philanthropic work in +throwing open your columns to a subject which must inevitably seem +"_caviare_ to the general" (BACON). To myself, personally, the raising +of the controversy at the present time is annoying, because I happen to +have hit independently on exactly the same idea as Mr. DONNELLY'S; viz., +that there is an underground narrative running through SHAKSPEARE. +DARWIN and WALLACE, you may remember, discovered the origin of species +simultaneously, so why not I and DONNELLY the origin of SHAKSPEARE? But +my cryptogram leads to an entirely different result from Mr. DONNELLY'S, +who has, I am certain, being led off on a false scent. Instead of +multiplying every 270th word, as he does, by the number of full-stops in +the page, and then dividing the result by the number of years during +which ANNE HATHAWAY is supposed to have resided at Stratford-on-Avon, he +should first have discovered the total quantity of words in all +SHAKSPEARE'S plays and sonnets, and after that the quantity in the +_Novum Organon_; then reducing the probable salary which BACON received +as Lord Chancellor, _each year_, down to farthings, he should have +divided (_not_ multiplied) them all into each other, and brought them to +decimals, and then applied _that_ result to the plays. The process is a +little complicated, but I can't make it clearer at present. Anyhow, the +entrancing interest of the story so obtained can be judged from the +headings of the chapters. + +"Lord BACON arrives at Stratford disguised as a bargee. His midnight +visit to SHAKSPEARE'S house. The poaching plot hatched. In the +churchyard. The Ghost among the tombs. The Ghost discovered to be Queen +ELIZABETH, who had followed BACON to Stratford disguised as a Tilbury +fish-wife. The Queen buried alive in Stratford churchyard by BACON and +SHAKSPEARE. The good Vicar bribed. Their scheme to dress up ANNE +HATHAWAY as Queen. Its success. ANNE HATHAWAY reigns twenty years, +everybody taking her for ELIZABETH. SHAKSPEARE (stricken with remorse) +appears suddenly at the bedside of BACON. Threatens to disclose all. +BACON murders SHAKSPEARE. Takes all SHAKSPEARE'S Plays (hitherto +unacted, having been rejected by the Managers of the period as 'wholly +devoid of dramatic power') out of his pocket, and produces them next day +as his own. Success of this plot also. How BACON repents at last. +Invents the Cryptogram. Inserts it in the Plays on his deathbed." + +You will see from this abstract that there are elements of far greater +interest in my theory than in Mr. DONNELLY'S, and my publishers +sincerely trust that you will insert this letter, as a gratuitous +advertisement may help the sale of my forthcoming work, entitled, _Who +Killed Shakspeare and Queen Elizabeth?_ + + Your obedient servant, ARTFUL PLODDER. + +SIR,--Surely it is impossible to doubt any longer that BACON wrote +_Hamlet_. Why, in that play you find him actually confessing his +cowardice in not claiming the authorship of his own plays! What else +_can_ these words mean? + + "What should such fellows as I do crawling between earth and heaven? + We are _arrant knaves all_." + +Then occurs this truly remarkable sentence:-- + + "God hath given you one face, and you make yourselves another." + +Given _whom_? Why, BACON himself! Did he not make his face into +another's, namely, SHAKSPEARE'S? The case is as clear as noonday. Let +the insular cavillers at DONNELLY, just because he is an American, hide +their diminished heads. + + ANTI-HUMBUG. + +DEAR SIR,--Would one of your readers kindly inform me how Friar BACON +could have written SHAKSPEARE? I see by _Little Arthur's History of +England_ that the former lived three hundred years before SHAKSPEARE was +born. This seems to be a conclusive proof that Mr. DONNELLY is wrong; +but though I am very fond of history, I do not profess to be a great +historical critic. + + TILLY SLOWBOY. + +SIR,--In looking over _Macbeth_, I have found a really remarkable +confirmation of Mr. DONNELLY'S cryptographic story. The story relates +how, when CECIL told Queen ELIZABETH that SHAKSPEARE'S plays were +treasonable, she "rises up, beats HAYWARD with her crutch, and nearly +kills him." In Act III., Scene 4, of _Macbeth_, occurs this line,-- + + "It will have blood; they say, blood will have blood"-- + +_i.e._, Queen ELIZABETH, being a person of good blood, or high lineage, +_will_ have blood, _i.e._, from the head of the person she beats with +the crutch. + +A few lines further on is a striking confirmation of this. + +_Macbeth_ says,-- + + "How say'st thou, that MACDUFF denies his person + At our great bidding?" + +_Macduff_ here is cryptographic for SHAKSPEARE. When summoned by the +Queen to answer CECIL'S charge, SHAKSPEARE _did_ deny his person at her +bidding. Mr. DONNELLY'S is a great discovery. The world _does_ advance, +in spite of Lord SALISBURY. Yours, RADICAL. + +DEAR SIR,--How long will the British public allow an impudent Yankee to +lead it astray? Mr. DONNELLY has evidently never read my historical +novel, _A Tale of the Invincible Armada_, which somehow failed to meet +with the enthusiasm it deserved, or he would know that CECIL valued +SHAKSPEARE most highly. In my book he never addresses the Bard without +saying, "Marry, Gossip," or "I' faith, good coz." I am sure your readers +will be glad of this information; also to hear that I am bringing out a +cheap popular edition of the same book, price only three-and-sixpence. +Order at once, Yours, M. AINCHANCE. + +SIR,--Perhaps, after all, the best solution of the SHAKSPEARE-BACON +puzzle is one analogous to that suggested by a learned Don in the HOMER +controversy--viz., that the person who wrote the plays was not +SHAKSPEARE, but another man of the same name. + + Yours, COMMONSENSICUS ACADEMICUS. + + * * * * * + +LORD SALISBURY'S SHAKSPEARE. + + "'The policy of worry' shan't be strained; + They'll drop it in my gentle reign next Session." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "AN OPPORTUNIST." + +_He._ "OH, EMIL----MISS CRUMPCHER--CAN--HAVE YOU EVER LOVED?" + +_She._ "N--NOT THIS SEASON!"] + + * * * * * + +A WOULD-BE "LITERARY GENT."--The following is from the _Daily +Telegraph_:-- + + LITERARY.--A gentleman who erst wrote for recreation, is driven, + through cruel misfortune, to resume his pen for a livelihood. + Fugitive lines, reviews of English, French, and Italian literature, + topics of the day. + +What a condescension! How good of him! He "first wrote for +recreation"--whose?--his own probably, and that of his friends who were +as easily amused as were those of Mr. PETER MAGNUS,--who signed himself +P.M., or afternoon, for the entertainment of his correspondents,--and +now he is "driven through cruel misfortune to resume his pen." Very +cruel! Perhaps already his friends are beginning to suffer from this +spiteful freak of Fortune. But as he can knock off with ease a variety +of literary work, he is rather to be envied than pitied; and already he +may be on the high road to literary fame which he will despise, and +solid wealth which he will appreciate. + + * * * * * + +THE NEW SIXPENCE.--On the face is to be the QUEEN'S effigy with +inscription, and on the reverse its value inscribed, surrounded by an +olive-branch and an oak-branch. More appropriate for the face would have +been the QUEEN'S effigy surrounded by olive-branches. + + * * * * * + +M. PASTEUR is the man for the successful treatment of hydrophobia. Does +the Australasian Government appeal to him for assistance because it +finds itself in a rabbit state? + + * * * * * + +O'BRIEN'S BREECHES. + +(_Humbly imitated from Henry Luttrel's "Burnham Beeches."_) + + A Bard, dear Muse, who pluck would sing, + Your friendly aid beseeches. + Help me to touch the lyric string + On--brave O'BRIEN'S breeches! + + What though the splendour of my lines + To SWINBURNE'S height ne'er reaches? + The theme, if not the thrummer, shines; + That theme's--O'BRIEN'S breeches! + + They wouldn't let O'BRIEN talk, + Or make "seditious" speeches. + They quodded him, his plans to baulk, + And--tried to bag his breeches! + + But brave O'BRIEN'S blood did burn + (Say, who his pluck impeaches?) + He up and swore in accents stern, + "I _won't_--wear convict breeches!" + + Those gaolers deep about him hung, + They stuck to him like leeches. + But he, the eloquent of tongue, + Stuck to--O'BRIEN'S breeches! + + If "sermons be in stones," I'll bet + A prison patience teaches. + The prisoner to bed must get; + They watched--and boned his breeches! + + The captive of the cold complains, + His breechless bones it reaches. + But yield? No, rather he remains + In bed--without his breeches! + + In vain the prison-clothes they show; + Badge of dishonour each is. + Patriots prefer to lie below + Bed-clothes--without their breeches! + + But friends unto the dungeon hie, + No gaoler marks (or peaches), + They hand O'BRIEN, on the sly, + _Another_ pair of breeches! + + Black BALFOUR'S myrmidons are fooled! + A lesson high this teaches: + A plucky people is not ruled + By--stealing patriot's breeches! + + BRIAN BORU they sang of yore, + But when her goal she reaches, + Erin will sing, from shore to shore, + O'BRIEN--and his breeches! + + Her bards will praise the patriot true, + His long and fiery speeches, + His bearding BALFOUR'S brutal crew; + But, above all,--his breeches! + + Oh, ne'er may the potheen pass round + But--Erin so beseeches-- + The Isle may with one theme resound,-- + O'BRIEN--and his breeches! + + Hold! Though I'd fain be jingling on, + One rhyme, experience teaches, + You can't ring on for aye! I've done. + Farewell, O'BRIEN'S breeches! + + * * * * * + +The Shakspearian Question. + +_An Actor's opinion on the Bacon v. Shakspeare controversy, expressed in +a strictly professional cryptogrammatic style._ + +"SHAKSPEARE written by a chap called BACON, my boy? Very likely; I +always found 'lots of fat' in it." + +_Another (at Brighton, by an Ancient Mariner who sticks to the "Old +Ship")._ + +"BACON wrote SHAKSPEARE? Well, perhaps he did. He was a clever chap, was +dear old ARTHUR BACON; but still, somehow, I don't think he wrote +SHAKSPEARE. At least not all of it." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 54. + +THE PARLIAMENTARY CATTLE-SHOW.] + + * * * * * + +ON THEATRICAL PICTURE-POSTERS. + +SIR,--I used to be a very regular attendant at the Theatres. I am not so +now, and I find that by staying away, I have time at my disposal, which +I never had before, for reading, study, and social intercourse. I save +my money and preserve my health. And for this I have most sincerely to +thank the Managers of our London Theatres, who, within the last few +years, have adopted a style of pictorial advertisement, which, though +possibly attractive to simple-minded folk, or restless youth, exercises +a singularly deterrent effect on the middle-aged playgoer, and on all +imaginative and timid persons, especially of the feminine gender. + +For example, speaking as a mediaevalist, or one of the middle-ages, if I +see a huge coloured picture on a hoarding representing several +sensational situations which form a frame for the culminating horror of +the play in the centre, as an old stager I know that play from beginning +to end, and take in the whole plot at a glance. I can imagine the +dialogue without doing much injury to the author, and, as I have seen +the principal actors and actresses, I can, in my own mind, furnish the +piece with a cast probably far superior to that at the particular +theatre where the melodrama, thus pictorially advertised, is being +performed. The scenery and costumes I have before me on the hoarding. +This applies to several theatres. As to timid ladies they shrink from +seeing the realisation of the terrible situations depicted on the +picture-poster. They have seen quite enough: they will wait until +something less startling shall be substituted for this display of crime, +cruelty, and violence. + +It is really very kind of the Managers to provide for outsiders in this +way, but the outsiders remain outsiders, and have no desire to enter +these chambers of Dramatic Horrors. As a supporter of shows and +exhibitions, with considerable experience, I know well enough that the +representation outside the booth is very much superior to the reality +within; for example, the outside picture of a Fat Woman exaggerates the +corpulence of the Lady on view inside the caravan; the Mermaid is most +attractive in the picture, probably floating about playing a harp, while +the reality is a dummy figure composed of a monkey's and cat's skin sewn +together and stuffed. I hope the Managers will develop their pictorial +advertisements still further; I speak selfishly, as if everyone takes my +view, where will the audiences be? + +The only advertisements that ever attract me, and cause me to say, "Ah! +I should like to see _that_!" are those which, on closer inspection, +I find to be only the artistic trade-marks of some new soap, +beetle-powder, peculiar whiskey, sewing machines, or soothing syrup. +Pray, Sir, do all you can to encourage Theatrical Art in Mural +Decorations, and save the time and money of, + + Yours, PATER FAMILIAS. + +P.S.--I shall take my boys in holiday time the round of the hoardings, +and tell them all about the plays. Cheap entertainment, eh? + + * * * * * + +Mr. BLUNDELL MAPLE, M. P. elect for Dulwich--not by any means a dullidge +sort of constituency in the opinion of the Conservative Candidate's +Agent--is to be congratulated on attaining his majority. When he has +prepared his maiden speech for the House, he may hum to himself:-- + + "Now I'm furnished, Now I'm furnished for my flight!" + + * * * * * + +THE FUTURE POSITION OF THE ARMY. + +_A Sketch founded on the Suggestions of "The Greatest Briton."_ + +PART I.--_Before the G. B. took the matter in hand._ + +"I am heartily glad you have come," said the Commander-in-Chief +(patented), throwing down the _Fortnightly_, "because this article upon +the present condition of the Army, by the Author of _Greater Britain_, +has put me out completely." + +[Illustration: "En Retraite."] + +"I glanced at it, but could not get through it," replied _the_ Field +Marshal. "What does he say?" + +"Well, so far as I can make out, that in the time of war all the Militia +will be drafted into the Army, and all the Coast Guards into the Navy, +and both will disappear together with the Army and the Navy in the first +battle." + +"Anything else?" + +"Well," continued GEORGE RANGER, re-opening the Magazine, "he seems to +think that we have got enough men, if we can't get more, but that we +must defend India with the aid of compulsory service, although, for +various 'religious and commercial reasons, almost peculiar to England, +the non-adoption of Conscription is certain." + +"From this I take it the article is slightly mixed?" + +"It is--and I am bothered entirely!" replied the poor Duke, who had a +habit, when worried, of returning to the brogue he used as Prince GEORGE +in Ireland, in his youth. "What will I do? Look there now, we have cut +down everything to starvation proportions, to please Lord GRANDOLPH, to +say nothing of upsetting the entire machinery of the War Office, to save +the salary of the Surveyor-General of the Ordnance. Sure, what more will +I do?" + +"Read this," replied _the_ Field Marshal, giving to H. R. H. a packet. +"If War is declared, open it, and act upon the orders contained in it." + +And, with this, _Punch_, the greatest modern strategist, bowed, and +retired. + +PART II.--_After the G. B. took the matter in hand._ + +Two months later Europe, shaken by the mightiest conflict of this +century, was beginning to regain her composure. It would be unwise (for +it might offend foreign susceptibilities) to give the names of the +victories that had added fresh lustre to the British arms. Suffice it to +say that not a single reverse had been recorded. Once more _the_ Field +Marshal entered the room of the Commander-in-Chief (patented). + +"Well, GEORGE, how goes it?" asked the foremost soldier of the age. The +Commander-in-Chief (patented) fell upon his knees and kissed the spurs +of his master's boots. + +"Nay, this show of gratitude is pleasing, but embarrassing. Remember, +GEORGE, you are of Royal Blood," and _the_ Field-Marshal gently and +kindly assisted the Patented One to rise. + +"I cannot help it," returned GEORGE, with a burst of almost painful +emotion. "You have done so much for us." + +"Not at all," observed _Punch_ with a smile, "that packet certainly +contained a few suggestions of some value." + +"Why, they saved the country! How should we have horsed the Cavalry and +Artillery, if we had not entered on peace contracts with the Directors +of Pickford's, the London General Omnibus Company, the Road Cars, the +Tramways, and the Herne Bay Bathing Machine Owners. The last were not +easily persuaded to act with us, as somehow the requisition of their +quadrupeds seemed to interfere with the success of the Thanet Harriers." + +"But they gave in at last?" + +"Certainly, patriotism was the rule without exception. Then the +compulsory service of their _employes_ in the Volunteers, insisted upon +by all the West End Tradesmen and employers of labour throughout the +land, had the best effects. Why some of the finest troops in the world +came from SCHOOLBRED'S, WHITELEY'S, the Army and Navy Stores, and SMITH +AND SONS." + +"And the Inns of Court, the Universities, and the Medical Colleges also +insisted upon continued efficient service in the Volunteer ranks to +secure the advantage of audience in the Courts and Registration as +Doctors, didn't they?" + +"Certainly! Oh, it was grand! Then we got as much Cavalry as we required +from the farmers, and the Yeomanry, and purchased the entire stock of +guns from the Continent.--Just as you told me to do." + +"Quite right," said _Punch_, "after all, guns and ammunition are only a +question of figures. I suppose the British Army in India was recalled +home and distributed amongst the Colonies, as I suggested, and the +Native Troops that were not quite trustworthy treated in the same +manner?" + +"Assuredly, yes, and they have given an admirable account of themselves +in Australia and Canada." Then GEORGE hesitated. "But you would not tell +me how you supplied their places in India. You merely asked for +transport for your Army of Reserves." + +"Quite so," said _Punch_, with a smile. "But, now that peace is decided +upon, and all but declared, I need keep silence no longer. The fact is, +I fought the Russians with an Army of Germans and Italians, under the +command of my friend Sir FREDERICK ROBERTS." + +"Germans and Italians! Where _did_ you get them from?" + +"From places where they were ruining our working-poor and doing +themselves no permanent good. I shipped them from Hatton Garden and +Whitechapel. My country saved, the welfare of the world in general +demands my restored attention. It shall have it." + +And full of this truly benevolent intention, _Mr. Punch_ returned to +Fleet Street. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +From _The Personal Remembrances_ of Sir FREDERICK POLLOCK (MACMILLAN & +CO.) I had, I confess, expected a great deal more than I found in the +two volumes. And I hold that I had a right to expect something more than +usually interesting from the Remembrances of the Queen's Remembrancer. +What Sir FREDERICK remembers as Remembrancer to the QUEEN is +very little, though quite sufficient for the office; but his own +recollections as his own Remembrancer are very pleasant reading, being +full of information given in an, unpretentious conversational style, +about Cambridge University life, the Bench and the Bar, and Literary +Society generally. There is a good deal of eating and drinking +recorded--not too much, perhaps, for the necessities of social life; and +the "C. C. S.," or Cambridge Conversazione Society seems to have been +very regular in its intellectual gatherings at various places where good +food is provided. This Club, limited to twelve members, was called +somewhat profanely "The Twelve Apostles," though of what they were +Apostles I cannot make out. They have evidently an Apostolic Succession, +as the Club is still in existence, I believe. Altogether, among this +sudden glut in the market of literary confidences in the shape of ducal, +journalistic, artistic, and egotistic recollections, this may be taken +up as a chatty and readable book. + +[Illustration: Odd Volumes.] + +_Woman's World_ for December, edited by our OSCAR WILDE, is full of +woman's wit, and some of the illustrations, especially in the department +of The Fashions, are charming. What a change from the old style of +painted doll inanities, dressed up in a style never seen in real life! +The picture of the three pretty women preparing for a ball is a candle +to attract male moths--"male moths" being obviously the opposite to +"ma'am--moths," as that undefeated punster SAMUEL JOHNSON would have +said under certain circumstances. Mrs. CAMPBELL PRAED'S account of Royat +is very amusing; but, though I have been several times up to La +Charrade, yet never have I had the good fortune to come across Madame +GRENON, who, if her portrait, as given in this number, is a genuine +likeness, ought to be one of the attractions of the environs of Royat. +Good, honest, kindly faces I saw at Charrade, but why this uncommonly +pretty one hid herself, as she must have done whenever she saw this +distinguished water-drinker coming to Charrade is a charade to me. The +general remarks on the Stage by the lamented Authoress of _John +Halifax_, whose recent loss we all deplore, are very interesting, as +recording the impressions of a good, pure-minded woman, whose +acquaintance with the _vie intime_ of the Theatre was limited. The +portraits of Miss ANDERSON are not particularly flattering--rather +shady, which is the one thing that no one shall ever unchallenged say of +our sweet and gentle _Perdita_ in the hearing of your rather deaf + + POLIXENES, BARON DE BOOK WORMS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: hand symbol]NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or +Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any +description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a +Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there +will be no exception. + + + + +[Transcriber's Note: + +Alternative spellings retained, punctuation normalized. + +Italics denoted by underscore (_). + +P. 268: "impenetrable veil that has long shrouded the proceeedings of +the Gargoyle Club" changed to read "impenetrable veil that has long +shrouded the proceedings of the Gargoyle Club".] + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. +93, December 10, 1887, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, LONDON CHARIVARI, DEC 10, 1887 *** + +***** This file should be named 39437.txt or 39437.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/9/4/3/39437/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Wayne Hammond, +Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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