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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/41908-0.txt b/41908-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3e7f2ac --- /dev/null +++ b/41908-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5883 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Visions of Dom Francisco de Quevedo +Villegas, by Dom Francisco de Quevedo, Translated by Roger L'Estrange + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: The Visions of Dom Francisco de Quevedo Villegas + + +Author: Dom Francisco de Quevedo + + + +Release Date: January 24, 2013 [eBook #41908] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE VISIONS OF DOM FRANCISCO DE +QUEVEDO VILLEGAS*** + + +Transcribed from the 1904 Methuen & Co. edition by David Price, email +ccx074@pglaf.org + + + + + + THE VISIONS OF + DOM FRANCISCO DE QUEVEDO + VILLEGAS + KNIGHT OF THE ORDER OF ST. JAMES + + + * * * * * + + MADE ENGLISH BY R. L. + + * * * * * + + METHUEN & CO. + LONDON + + * * * * * + + + + +NOTE + + +THIS Issue, first published in 1904, is founded on the Third Edition, +corrected, published by H. Herringman in 1668. + + + + +TO THE READERS GENTLE AND SIMPLE + + +THIS Preface is merely for fashion-sake, to fill a space, and please the +stationer, who says ’tis neither usual nor handsome, to leap immediately +from the title-page to the matter. So that, in short, a Preface ye have, +together with the reason of it, both under one: but as to the ordinary +mode and pretence of prefaces, the translator desires to be excused. For +he makes a conscience of a lie, and it were a damned one, to tell ye, +that he has published this, either to gratify the importunity of friends, +or to oblige the public, or for any other reason of a hundred, that are +commonly given in excuse of scribbling. Not but that he loves his +friends, as well as any man, and has taken their opinion along with him. +Nor, but that he loves the public too (as many a man does a coy mistress +that has made his heart ache.) But to pass from what had no effect upon +him in this publication, to that which overruled him in it. It was pure +spite. For he has had hard measure among the physicians, the lawyers, +the women, etc. And Dom Francisco de Quevedo, in English, revenges him +upon all his enemies. For it is a satire, that taxes corruption of +manners, in all sorts and degrees of people, without reflecting upon +particular states or persons. It is full of sharpness and morality; and +has found so good entertainment in the world, that it wanted only English +of being baptized into all Christian languages. + + + + +THE FIRST VISION OF THE ALGOUAZIL (OR CATCHPOLE) POSSESSED + + +GOING t’other day to hear mass at a convent in this town, the door it +seems was shut, and a world of people pressing and begging to get in. +Upon enquiry what the matter was; they told me of a demoniac to be +exorcised; (or dispossessed) which made me put in for one, to see the +ceremony: though to little purpose; for when I had half smothered myself +in the throng, I was e’en glad to get out again, and bethink myself of my +lodging. Upon my way homeward, at the street’s end, it was my fortune to +meet a familiar friend of mine of the same convent; who told me over +again what I had heard before, and taking notice of my curiosity, bade me +follow him; which I did, till with his _passe-partout_ he brought me +through a little back-door into the church, and so into the vestry: where +we saw a wretched kind of a dog-looked fellow with a tippet about his +neck, as ill ordered as you’d wish; his clothes all in tatters, his hands +bound behind him, roaring and tearing after a most hideous manner. +“Bless me,” quoth I, crossing myself, “what spectacle have we here?” +“This,” said the good Father who was to do the feat, “is a man that’s +possessed with an evil spirit.” “That’s a damned lie,” with respect of +the company, cried the devil that tormented him, “for this is not a man +possessed with a devil, but a devil possessed with a man; and therefore +you should do well to have a care what you say, for it is most evident, +both by the question and answer, that you are but a company of sots. You +are to understand that we devils never enter into the body of a +catchpole, but by force, and in spite of our hearts; and therefore to +speak properly, you are to say, this is a devil catchpoled, and not a +catchpole bedevilled. And, to give you your due, you men can deal better +with us devils, than with the catchpoles, for we fly from the cross, +whereas they make use of it, for a cloak for their villainy. + +“But though we differ thus in our humours, we hold a very fair +correspondence in our offices: if we draw men into judgment and +condemnation, so do the catchpoles; we pray for an increase of wickedness +in the world, so do they; nay and more zealously than we, for it is their +livelihood, and we do it only for company: and in this the catchpoles are +worse than the devils; they prey upon their own kind, and worry one +another. For our parts, we are angels still, though black ones, and were +turned into devils only for aspiring into an equality with our Maker: +whereas the very corruption of mankind is the generation of a catchpole. +So that, my good Father, your labour is but lost in plying this wretch +with relics; for you may as soon redeem a soul from hell, as a prey out +of his clutches. In fine, your algouazils (or catchpoles) and your +devils are both of an order, only your catchpole-devils wear shoes and +stockings, and we go barefoot after the fashion of this reverend Father; +and (to deal plainly) have a very hard time on’t.” + +I was not a little surprised to find the devil so great a sophister, but +all this notwithstanding, the holy man went on with his exorcism, and to +stop the spirit’s mouth, washed his face with a little holy water, which +made the demoniac ten times madder than before, and set him a yelping so +horribly, that it deafened the company, and made the very ground under us +to tremble. “And now,” says he, “you may, perchance, imagine this +extravagance to be the effect of your holy water; but let me tell you, +that mere water itself would have done the same thing; for your catchpole +hates nothing in this world like water [especially that of a Gray’s Inn +pump]. But to conclude, they are so reprobated a sort of Christians, +that they have quitted even the very name of misins, by which they were +formerly known, for that of algouazils; the latter being of Pagan +extraction, and more suitable to their manners.” + +“Come, come,” says the Father, “there is no ear, nor credit to be given +to this villain; set but his tongue at liberty, and you shall have him +fall foul upon the Government, and the ministers of justice, for keeping +the world in order and suppressing wickedness, because it spoils his +market.” “No more chopping of logic good Mr. Conjurer,” says the devil, +“for there’s more in’t than you are aware of; but if you’ll do a poor +devil a good office, give me my dispatch out of this accursed algouazil; +for I am a devil, you must know, of reputation and quality, and shall +never be able to endure the gibes and affronts will be put upon me at my +return to hell, for having kept this rascal company.” “All in good +time,” said the Father, “thou shalt have thy discharge; that is to say, +in pity to this miserable creature, and not for thy own sake. But tell +me now, what makes thee torment him thus?” “Nothing in the world,” quoth +the devil, “but a contest betwixt him and me, which was the greater devil +of the two.” + +The conjurer did not at all relish these wild and malicious replies; but +to me the dialogue was extreme pleasant, especially being by this time a +little familiarized with the devil. “Upon which confidence, my good +Father,” said I, “here are none but friends; and I may speak to you as my +confessor, and the confidant of all the secrets of my soul; I have a +great mind, with your leave, to ask the devil a few questions, and who +knows but a man may be the better for his answers, though perchance +contrary to his intention! keep him only in the interim from tormenting +this poor creature.” The conjurer granted my request, and the spirit +went on with his babble. “Well,” says he smiling, “the devil shall never +want a friend at court, so long as there’s a poet within the walls. And +indeed the poets do us many a good turn, both by pimping and otherwise; +but if you,” said he, “should not be kind to us,” looking upon me, +“you’ll be thought very ungrateful, considering the honour of your +entertainment now in hell.” I asked him then what store of poets they +had? “Whole swarms,” says the devil; “so many, that we have been forced +to make more room for them: nor is there anything in nature so pleasant +as a poet in the first year of his probation; he comes ye laden forsooth, +with letters of recommendation to our superiors, and enquires very +gravely for Charon, Cerberus, Rhadamanthus, Æacus, Minos.” + +“Well,” said I, “but what’s their punishment?” (for I began now to make +the poets’ case my own). “Their punishments,” quoth the devil, “are +many, and suited to the trade they drive. Some are condemned to hear +other men’s works: (and this is the plague of the fiddlers too) we have +others that are in for a thousand year, and yet still poring upon some +old stanzas they have made of jealousy. Some again are beating their +foreheads with the palms of their hands, and even boring their very noses +with hot irons, in rage that they cannot come to a resolution, whether +they shall say face or visage; whether they shall write jail or gaol; +whether cony or cunny, because it comes from _cuniculus_, a rabbit. +Others are biting their nails to the quick, and at their wits’ end for a +rime to chimney; and dozing up and down in a brown study, till they drop +into some hole at last, and give us trouble enough to get them out again. +But they that suffer the most, and fare the worst, are your comic poets, +for whoring so many queens and princesses upon the stage, and coupling +ladies of honour with lackeys, and noblemen with common strumpets, in the +winding up of their plays; and for giving the bastinado to Alexander and +Julius Cæsar in their interludes and farces. Now be it known to you, +that we do not lodge these with other poets, but with pettifoggers and +attorneys, as common dealers in the mystery of shifting, shuffling, +forging, and cheating: and now for the discipline of hell, you are to +understand we have incomparable harbingers and quartermasters; insomuch +that let them come in whole caravans, as it happened t’other day, every +man is in his quarter before you can say what’s this. + +“There came to us several tradesmen; the first of them a poor rogue that +made profession of drawing the long bow; and him we were about to put +among the armourers, but one of the company moved and carried it, that +since he was so good at draughts, he might be sent to the clerks and +scriveners; a sort of people that will fit you with draughts, good and +bad, of all sorts and sizes, and to all purposes. Another called himself +a cutter, we asked him whether in wood or stone? ‘Neither,’ said he, +‘but in cloth and stuff’ (_Anglicè_ a tailor); and him we turned over to +those that were in for detraction and calumny, and for cutting large +thongs out of other men’s leather. There was a blind fellow would fain +have been among the poets, but (for likeness’ sake) we quartered him +among the lovers. After him, came a sexton, or (as he styled himself) a +burier of the dead; and then a cook that was troubled in conscience for +putting off cats for hares: These were dispatched away to the pastry-men. +A matter of half a dozen crack-brained fools we disposed of among the +astrologers and alchymists. In the number, there was one notorious +murderer, and him we packed away to the gentlemen of the faculty, the +physicians. The broken merchants we kennelled with Judas for making ill +bargains. Corrupt ministers and magistrates, with the thief on the left +hand. The embroilers of affairs, and the water-bearers take up with the +vintners; and the brokers with the Jews. Upon the whole matter, the +policy of hell is admirable, where every man has his place according to +his condition.” + +“As I remember,” said I, “you were speaking e’en now concerning lovers. +Pray tell me, have you many of them in your dominions? I ask, because I +am myself a little subject to the itch of love, as well as poetry.” +“Love,” says the devil, “is like a great spot of oil, that diffuses +itself everywhere, and consequently hell cannot but be sufficiently +stocked with that sort of vermin. But let me tell you now, we have +several sorts of lovers; some dote upon themselves; others upon their +pelf; these upon their own discourses; those upon their own actions; and +once in an age perchance, comes a fellow that dotes upon his own wife; +but this is very rare, for the jades commonly bring their husbands to +repentance, and then the devil may throw his cap at them. But above all, +for sport (if there can be any in hell) commend me to those gaudy +monsieurs, who by the variety of colours and ribands they wear (favours +as they call them) one would swear, were only dressed up for a sample, or +kind of inventory of all the gewgaws that are to be had for love or money +at the mercers. Others you shall have so overcharged with perruque, that +you’ll hardly know the head of a cavalier from the ordinary block of a +tire-woman: and some again you’d take for carriers, by their packets and +bundles of love-letters; which being made combustible by the fire and +flame they treat of, we are so thrifty, as to employ upon the singeing of +their own tails, for the saving of better fuel. But, oh! the pleasant +postures of the maiden-lover, when he is upon the practice of the +gentle-leer, and embracing the air for his mistress! Others we have that +are condemned for feeling and yet never come to the touch: these pass for +a kind of buffoon pretenders; ever upon the vigil, but never arrive at +the festival. Some again have lost themselves with Judas for a kiss. + +“One story lower is the abode of contented cuckolds; a nasty poisonous +place, and strewed all over with the horns of rams and bulls, etc. Now +these are so well read in woman, and know their destiny so well +beforehand, that they never so much as trouble their heads for the +matter. Ye come next to the admirers of old women; and these are +wretches of so depraved an appetite, that if they were not kept tied up, +and in chains, they’d horse the very devils themselves, and put Barabbas +to his trumps, to defend his buttocks: for the truth is, whatever you may +think of a devil, he passes with them for a very Adonis or Narcissus. + +“So much for your curiosity; a word now for your instruction. If you +would make an interest in hell, you must give over that roguy way ye have +got of abusing the devils in your shows, pictures, and emblems: one while +forsooth we are painted with claws, or talons, like eagles, or griffons. +Another while we are dressed up with tails, like so many hackney-jades +with their fly-flaps: and now and then ye shall see a devil with a +coxcomb. Now I will not deny, but some of us may indeed be very well +taken for hermits, and philosophers. If you can help us in this point, +do; and we shall be ready to do ye one good turn for another. I was +asking Michael Angelo here a while ago, why he drew the devils in his +great piece of the Last Judgment, with so many monkey faces, and +jack-pudding postures. His answer was, that he followed his fancy, +without any malice in the world, for as then, he had never seen any +devils; nor (indeed) did he believe that there were any; but he has now +learned the contrary to his cost. There’s another thing too we take +extremely ill, which is, that in your ordinary discourses, ye are out +with your purse presently to every rascal, and calling of him devil. As +for example. Do you see how this devil of a tailor has spoiled my suit? +how the devil has made me wait? how this devil has cozened me, etc., +which is very ill done, and no small disparagement to our quality, to be +ranked with tailors: a company of slaves, that serve us in hell only for +brush-wood; and they are fain to beg hard to be admitted at all: though I +confess they have possession on their sides, and custom, which is another +law. Being in possession of theft, and stolen goods; they make much more +conscience of keeping your stuffs, than your holy days, grumbling and +domineering at every turn, if they have not the same respect with the +children of the family. Ye have another trick, too, of giving everything +to the devil, that displeases ye, which we cannot but take very unkindly. +‘The devil take thee,’ says one: a goodly present I warrant ye; but the +devil has somewhat else to do, than to take and carry away all that’s +given him; if they’ll come of themselves, let them come and welcome. +Another gives that whelp of a lackey to the devil; but the devil will +none of your lackeys, he thanks ye for your love; a pack of rogues that +are commonly worse than devils, and to say the truth, they are good +neither roast nor sodden. ‘I give that Italian to the devil,’ cries a +third; thank you for nothing: for ye shall have an Italian will choose +the devil himself, and take him by the nose like mustard. Some again +will be giving a Spaniard to the devil; but he has been so cruel +where-ever he has got footing, that we had rather have his room than his +company, and make a present to the grand-signior of his nutmegs.” + +Here the devil stopped, and in the same instant, there happening a slight +scuffle, betwixt a couple of conceited coxcombs, which should go +foremost: I turned to see the matter, and cast my eye upon a certain +tax-gatherer, that had undone a friend of mine: and in some sort to +revenge myself of this ass in a lion’s skin, I asked the devil, whether +they had not of that sort of blood-suckers among the rest, in their +dominions (an informing, projecting generation of men, and the very bane +of a kingdom). “You know little,” says he, “if you do not know these +vermin to be the right heirs of perdition, and that they claim hell for +their inheritance: and yet we are now e’en upon the point of discarding +them, for they are so pragmatical, and ungrateful, there’s no enduring of +them. They are at this present in consultation about an impost upon the +highway to hell; and indeed payments run so high already, and are so +likely to increase too, that ’tis much feared in the end, we shall quite +lose our trading and commerce. But if ever they come to put this in +execution, we shall be so bold, as to treat them next bout, to the tune +of ‘Fortune my foe,’ etc. and make them cool their heels on the wrong +side of the door, which will be worse than hell to them, for it leaves +them no retreat, being expelled paradise, and purgatory already.” “This +race of vipers,” said I, “will never be quiet, till they tax the way to +heaven itself.” “Oh,” quoth the devil, “that had been done long since, +if they had found the play worth the candles: but they have had a factor +abroad now these half-score years, that’s glad to wipe his nose on his +sleeve still, for want of a handkerchief.” “But these new impositions, +upon what I pray ye do they intend to levy them?” “For that,” quoth the +devil, “there’s a gentleman of the trade at your elbow can tell you all;” +pointing to my old friend the publican. This drew the eyes of the whole +company upon him, and put him so damnedly out of countenance, that he +plucked down his hat over his face, clapped his tail between his legs, +and went his way; with which we were all of us well enough pleased, and +then the devil went on. “Well,” said the devil, and laughed, “my voucher +is departed ye see; but I think I can say as much to this point as +himself; the impositions now to be set on foot, are upon bare-necked +ladies, patches, mole-skins, Spanish-paper, and all the _mundus +muliebris_ more than what is necessary and decent; upon your _tour à la +mode_, and spring garden coaches; excess in apparel, collations, rich +furniture, your cheating, and blaspheming gaming ordinaries, and, in +general, upon whatsoever serves to advance our empire; so that without a +friend at court, or some good magistrate to help us out at a dead lift, +and stick to us, we may e’en put up our pipes, and you’ll find hell a +very desert.” “Well,” said I, “and methinks I see nothing in all this, +but what is very reasonable; for to what end serves it but to corrupt +good manners, stir up ill appetites, provoke and encourage all sorts of +debauchery, destroy all that is good and honourable in humane society, +and chalk out in effect the ready way to the devil. + +“But you said something e’en now of magistrates, I hope,” said I, “there +are no judges in hell.” “You may as well imagine,” cried the spirit, +“that there are no devils there; for let me tell you (friend mine) your +corrupt judges are the great spawners that supply our lake; for what are +those millions of catchpoles, proctors, attorneys, clerks, barristers, +that come sailing to us every day in shoals, but the fry of such judges! +Nay sometimes, in a lucky year, for cheating, forging, and forswearing, +we can hardly find cask to put them in.” + +“From hence now,” quoth I, “would you infer, that there’s no justice upon +the face of the earth.” “Very right,” quoth the devil, “for Astræa +(which is the same thing) is fled long since to heaven. Do not ye know +the story?” “No,” said I. “Then,” quoth the devil, “mind me and I’ll +tell ye it. + +“Once upon a time Truth and Justice came together to take up their +quarters upon the earth: but the one being naked, and the other very +severe and plain-dealing, they could not meet with anybody that would +receive them. At last, when they had wandered a long time like vagabonds +in the open air, Truth was glad to take up her lodging with a mute; and +Justice, perceiving that though her name was much used for a cloak to +knavery, yet that she herself was in no esteem, took up a resolution of +returning to heaven: and in order to her journey, she bade adieu in the +first place to all courts, palaces, and great cities, and went into the +country, where she met with some few poor simple cottagers, that gave her +entertainment; but malice and persecution found her out in the end, and +she was banished thence too. She presented herself in many places, and +people asked her what she was? She answered them, ‘Justice,’ for she +would not lie for the matter. ‘Justice?’ cried they, ‘she is a stranger +to us; tell her here’s nothing for her,’ and shut the door. Upon these +repulses, she took wing, and away she went to heaven, hardly leaving so +much as the bare print of her footsteps behind her. Her name however is +not yet forgotten, and she’s pictured with a sceptre in her hand, and is +still called Justice; but call her what ye will, she makes as good a fire +in hell as a tailor; and for sleight of hand, puts down all the gilts, +cheats, picklocks, and trepanners in the world: to say the truth, avarice +is grown to that height, that men employ all the faculties of soul and +body to rob and deceive. The lecher, does not he steal away the honour +of his mistress? (though with her consent). The attorney picks your +pocket, and shows you a law for’t; the comedian gets your money and your +time, with reciting other men’s labours; the lover cozens you with his +eyes; the eloquent, with his tongue; the valiant, with his arm; the +musician, with his voice and fingers; the astrologer, with his +calculations; the apothecary, with sickness and health; the surgeon, with +blood; and the physician, with death itself; and in some sort or other, +they are all cheats; but the catchpole (in the name of justice) abuses +you with his whole man; he watches you with his eyes; follows you with +his feet; seizes with his hands; accuses with his tongue; and in fine, +put it in your litany, from catchpoles, as well as devils, _libera nos +domine_.” + +“But how comes it,” said I, “that you have not coupled the women with the +thieves? for they are both of a trade.” “Not a word of women as ye love +me,” quoth the devil, “for we are so tired out with their importunities; +so deafened with the eternal clack of their tongues, that we start at the +very thought of them. And to say the truth, hell were no ill winter +quarter, if it were not so overstocked with that sort of cattle. Since +the death of the Witch of Endor, it has been all their business to +improve themselves in subtlety and malice, and to set us together by the +ears among ourselves. Nay some of them are confident enough, to tell us +to our teeth, that when we have done our worst, they’ll give us a Rowland +for our Oliver. Only this comfort we have, that they are a cheaper +plague to us, than they are to you; for we have no Exchanges, Hyde Parks, +or Spring Gardens in our territories.” + +“You are well stored then with women, I see, but of which have you most?” +said I, “handsome, or ill-favoured?” “Oh, of the ill-favoured, six for +one,” quoth the devil, “for your beauties can never want gallants to lay +their appetites; and many of them, when they come at last to have their +bellies full, e’en give over the sport, repent and ’scape. Whereas +nobody will touch the ill-favoured without a pair of tongs; and for want +of water to quench their fire, they come to us such skeletons, that they +are enough to affright the devil himself. For they are most commonly, +old, and accompany their last groans with a curse upon the younger that +are to survive them. I carried away one t’other day of threescore and +ten, that I took just in the nick, as she was upon a certain exercise to +remove obstructions: and when I came to land her, alas for the poor +woman! what a terrible fit had she got of the toothache! when upon +search, the devil a tooth had she left in her head, only she belied her +chops to save her credit.” + +“You have exceedingly satisfied me,” said I, “in all your answers; but +pray’e once again, what store of beggars have ye in hell? Poor people I +mean.” “Poor,” quoth the devil, “who are they?” “Those,” said I, “that +have no possessions in the world.” “How can that be,” quoth he, “that +those should be damned, that have nothing in the world? when men are only +damned for cleaving to’t. And briefly I find none of their names in our +books, which is no wonder, for he that has nothing to trust to, shall be +left by the devil himself in time of need. To deal plainly with you, +where have you greater devils than your flatterers, false friends, lewd +company, envious persons, than a son, a brother, or a relation, that lies +in wait for your life to get your fortune, that mourns over you in your +sickness, and wishes you already at the devil. Now the poor have none of +this; they are neither flattered, nor envied, nor befriended, nor +accompanied: there’s no gaping for their possessions; and in short, they +are a sort of people that live well, and die better; and there are some +of them, that would not exchange their rags for royalty itself: they are +at liberty to go and come at pleasure, be it war or peace; free from +cares, taxes, and public duties. They fear no judgments or executions, +but live as inviolable as if their persons were sacred. Moreover they +take no thoughts for tomorrow, but setting a just value on their hours, +they are good husbands of the present; considering that what is past, is +as good as dead, and what’s to come, uncertain. But they say, ‘When the +devil preaches, the world’s near an end.’” + +“The Divine Hand is in this,” said the holy man that performed the +exorcism, “thou art the father of lies, and yet deliverest truths able to +mollify and convert a heart of stone.” “But do not you mistake +yourself,” quoth the devil, “to suppose that your conversion is my +business; for I speak these truths to aggravate your guilt, and that you +may not plead ignorance another day, when you shall be called to answer +for your transgressions. ’Tis true, most of you shed tears at parting, +but ’tis the apprehension of death, and no true repentance for your sins +that works upon you: for ye are all a pack of hypocrites: or if at any +time you entertain those reflections, your trouble is, that your body +will not hold out; and then forsooth ye pretend to pick a quarrel with +the sin itself.” “Thou art an impostor,” said the religious, “for there +are many righteous souls, that draw their sorrow from another fountain. +But I perceive you have a mind to amuse us, and make us lose time, and +perchance your own hour is not yet come to quit the body of this +miserable creature; however, I conjure thee in the name of the Most High +to leave tormenting him, and to hold thy peace.” The devil obeyed; and +the good Father applying himself to us, “My masters,” says he, “though I +am absolutely of opinion that it is the devil that has talked to us all +this while through the organ of this unhappy wretch, yet he that well +weighs what has been said, may doubtless reap some benefit by the +discourse. Wherefore without considering whence it came; remember, that +Saul (although a wicked prince) prophesied; and that honey has been drawn +out of the mouth of a lion. Withdraw then, and I shall make it my prayer +(as ’tis my hope) that this sad and prodigious spectacle may lead you to +a true sight of your errors, and, in the end, to amendment of life.” + + * * * * * + + THE END OF THE FIRST VISION + + + + +THE SECOND VISION OF DEATH AND HER EMPIRE + + +MEAN souls do naturally breed sad thoughts, and in solitude, they gather +together in troops to assault the unfortunate; which is the trial +(according to my observation) wherein the coward does most betray +himself; and yet cannot I for my life, when I am alone, avoid those +accidents and surprises in myself, which I condemn in others. I have +sometime, upon reading the grave and severe Lucretius, been seized with a +strange damp; whether from the striking of his counsels upon my passions, +or some tacit reflection of shame upon myself, I know not. However, to +render this confession of my weakness the more excusable, I’ll begin my +discourse with somewhat out of that elegant and excellent poet. + +“Put the case,” says he, “that a voice from heaven should speak to any of +us after this manner; what dost thou ail, O mortal man, or to what +purpose is it, to spend thy life in groans, and complaints under the +apprehension of death? where are thy past tears and pleasures? Are they +not vanished and lost in the flux of time, as if thou hadst put water +into a sieve? Bethink thyself then of a retreat, and leave the world +with the same content, and satisfaction, as thou wouldst do a plentiful +table, and a jolly company upon a full stomach. Poor fool that thou art! +thus to macerate and torment thyself, when thou may’st enjoy thy heart at +ease, and possess thy soul with repose and comfort, etc.” + +This passage brought into my mind the words of Job, cap. 14, and I was +carried on from one meditation to another, till at length, I fell fast +asleep over my book, which I ascribed rather to a favourable providence, +than to my natural disposition. So soon as my soul felt herself at +liberty, she gave me the entertainment of this following comedy, my fancy +supplying both the stage and the company. + +In the first scene, entered a troop of physicians, upon their mules, with +deep foot-cloths, marching in no very good order, sometime fast, sometime +slow, and to say the truth, most commonly in a huddle. They were all +wrinkled and withered about the eyes; I suppose with casting so many sour +looks upon the piss-pots and close-stools of their patients, bearded like +goats; and their faces so over-grown with hair, that their fingers could +hardly find the way to their mouths. In the left hand they held their +reins, and their gloves rolled up together; and in the right, a staff _à +la mode_, which they carried rather for countenance, than correction; +(for they understood no other menage than the heel) and all along, head +and body went too, like a baker upon his panniers. Divers of them, I +observed, had huge gold rings upon their fingers, and set with stones of +so large a size, that they could hardly feel a patient’s pulse, without +minding him of his monument. There were more than a good many of them, +and a world of puny practisers at their heels, that came out graduates, +by conversing rather with the mules than the doctors: well! said I to +myself, if there goes no more than this to the making a physician, it is +no marvel we pay so dear for their experience. + +After these, followed a long train of mountebank-apothecaries, laden with +pestles, and mortars, suppositories, spatulas, glister-pipes and +syringes, ready charged, and as mortal as gun-shot, and several titled +boxes with remedies without, and poisons within: ye may observe that when +a patient comes to die, the apothecary’s mortar rings the passing-bell, +as the priest’s requiem finishes the business. An apothecary’s shop is +(in effect) no other than the physician’s armoury, that supplies him with +weapons; and (to say the truth) the instruments of the apothecary and the +soldier are much of a quality: what are their boxes but petards? their +syringes, pistols; and their pills, but bullets? And after all, +considering their purgative medicines, we may properly enough call their +shops purgatory; and why not their persons hell? their patients the +damned? and their masters the devils? These apothecaries were in +jackets, wrought all over with Rs, struck through like wounded hearts, +and in the form of the first character of their prescriptions, which (as +they tell us) signifies _recipe_ (take thou) but we find it to stand for +_recipio_ (I take.) Next to this figure, they write ana, ana, which is +as much as to say an ass, an ass; and after this, march the ounces and +the scruples; an incomparable cordial to a dying man; the former to +dispatch the body, and the latter, to put the soul into the highway to +the devil. To hear them call over their simples, would make you swear +they were raising so many devils. There’s your opopanax, buphthalmus, +astaphylinos, alectorolophos, ophioscorodon, anemosphorus, etc. + +And by all this formidable bombast, is meant nothing in the world but a +few paltry roots, as carrots, turnips, skirrets, radish and the like. +But they have the old proverb at their fingers’ end: “he that knows thee +will never buy thee;” and therefore everything must be made a mystery, to +hold their patients in ignorance, and keep up the price of the market. +And were not the very names of their medicines sufficient to fright away +any distemper, ’tis to be feared the remedy would prove worse than the +disease. Can any pain in nature, think ye, have the confidence to look a +physician in the face, that comes armed with a drug made of man’s grease? +though disguised under the name of mummy, to take off the horror and +disgust of it: or to stay for a dressing with Dr. Whachum’s plaster, that +shall fetch up a man’s leg to the size of a mill-post? When I saw these +people herded with the physicians, methought the old sluttish proverb, +that says, “there is a great distance between the pulse and the arse,” +was much to blame for making such a difference in their dignities, for I +find none at all; but the physician skips in a trice from the pulse to +the stool and urinal, according to the doctrine of Galen, who sends all +his disciples to those unsavoury oracles, from whose hands the devil +himself, if he were sick, would not receive so much as a glister. Oh! +these cursed and lawless arbitrators and disposers of our lives! that +without either conscience or religion, divide our souls and bodies, by +their damned poisonous potions, scarifications, incisions, excessive +bleedings, etc., which are but the several ways of executing their +tyranny and injustice upon us. + +In the tail of these, came the surgeons, laden with pincers, +cranes-bills, catheters, desquamatories, dilaters, scissors, saws; and +with them so horrid an outcry, of cut, tear, open, saw, flay, burn, that +my bones were ready to creep one into another for fear of an operation. + +The next that came in, I should have taken by their mien, for devils +disguised, if I had not spied their chains of rotten teeth, which put me +in some hope they might be tooth-drawers, and so they proved; which is +yet one of the lewdest trades in the world; for they are good for nothing +but to depopulate our mouths, and make us old before our time. Let a man +but yawn, and ye shall have one of these rogues examining his grinders, +and there’s not a sound tooth in your head, but he had rather see’t at +his girdle, than in the place of its nativity: nay, rather than fail, +he’ll pick a quarrel with your gums. But that which puts me out of all +patience, is to see these scoundrels ask twice as much for drawing an old +tooth as would have bought ye a new one. + +“Certainly,” said I to myself, “we are now past the worst, unless the +devil himself come next.” And in that instant I heard the brushing of +guitars, and the rattling of citterns, raking over certain _passacailles_ +and sarabands. These are a kennel of barbers thought I, or I’ll be +hanged; and any man that had ever seen a barber’s shop might have told +you as much without a conjurer, both by the music and by the very +instruments, which are as proper a part of a barber’s furniture as his +comb-cases and wash-balls. It was to me a pleasant entertainment, to see +them lathering of asses’ heads, of all sorts and sizes, and their +customers all the while winking and sputtering over their basins. + +Presently after these, appeared a consort of loud and tedious talkers, +that tired and deafened the company with their shrill, and restless +gaggle; but as one told me, these were of several sorts. Some they +called swimmers from the motion of their arms in all their discourses, +which was just as if they had been paddling. Others they called apes +(and we mimics); these were perpetually making of mops, and mows, and a +thousand antic ridiculous gestures, in derision and imitation of others. +In the third place, were make-bates, and sowers of dissension, and these +were still rolling their eyes (like a Bartlemey puppet, without so much +as moving the head) and leering over their shoulders, to surprise people +at unawares in their familiarities, and privacies, and gather matter for +calumny and detraction. The liars followed next; and these seemed to be +a jolly contented sort of people, well fed, and well clothed; and having +nothing else to trust to, methought it was a strange trade to live upon. +I need not tell you, that they are never without a full audience, since +all fools and impertinents are of their congregation. + +After these, came a company of meddlers, a pragmatical insolent +generation of men that will have an oar in every boat, and are indeed the +bane of honest conversation, and the troublers of all companies and +affairs, the most prostitute of all flatterers, and only devoted to their +own profit. I thought this had been the last scene, because no more came +upon the stage for a good while; and indeed I wondered that they came so +late themselves, but one of the babblers told me (unasked) that this kind +of serpent carrying his venom in his tail; it seemed reasonable, that +being the most poisonous of the whole gang, they should bring up the +rear. + +I began then to take into thought, what might be the meaning of this +oglio of people of several conditions and humours met together; but I was +quickly diverted from that consideration by the apparition of a creature +which looked as if ’twere of the feminine gender. It was a person, of a +thin and slender make, laden with crowns, garlands, sceptres, scythes, +sheep-hooks, pattens, hobnailed shoes, tiaras, straw hats, mitres, +Monmouth caps, embroideries, skins, silk, wool, gold, lead, diamonds, +shells, pearl, and pebbles. She was dressed up in all the colours of the +rainbow; she had one eye shut, the other open; young on the one side, and +old o’ the other. I thought at first, she had been a great way off, when +indeed she was very near me, and when I took her to be at my chamber +door, she was at my bed’s head. How to unriddle this mystery I knew not; +nor was it possible for me to make out the meaning of an equipage so +extravagant, and so fantastically put together. It gave me no affright, +however, but on the contrary I could not forbear laughing, for it came +just then into my mind that I had formerly seen in Italy a farce, where +the mimic, pretending to come from the other world, was just thus +accoutred, and never was anything more nonsensically pleasant. I held as +long as I could, and at last, I asked what she was. She answered me, “I +am Death.” Death! (the very word brought my heart into my mouth) “and I +beseech you, madam,” quoth I (with great humility and respect) “whither +is your honour a going?” “No further,” said she, “for now I have found +you, I am at my journey’s end.” “Alas, alas! and must I die then,” said +I. “No, no,” quoth Death, “but I’ll take thee quick along with me; for +since so many of the dead have been to visit the living, it is but equal +for once, that one of the living should return a visit to the dead. Get +up then and come along; and never hang an arse for the matter; for what +you will not do willingly, you shall do in spite of your teeth.” This +put me in a cold fit; but without more delay up I started, and desired +leave only to put on my breeches. “No, no,” said she, “no matter for +clothes, nobody wears them upon this road; wherefore come away, naked as +you are, and you’ll travel the better.” So up I got, without a word more +and followed her, in such a terror, and amazement, that I was but in an +ill condition to take a strict account of my passage; yet I remember, +that upon the way, I told her: “Madam, under correction, you are no more +like the Deaths that I have seen, than an apple’s like an oyster. Our +Death is pictured with a scythe in her hand; and a carcass of bones, as +clean as if the crows had picked it.” “Yes, yes,” said she, turning +short upon me, “I know that very well; but in the meantime your designers +and painters are but a company of buzzards. The bones you talk of are +the dead, or otherwise the miserable remainders of the living; but let me +tell you that you yourselves are your own death, and that which you call +death, is but the period of your life, as the first moment of your birth +is the beginning of your death; and effectually, ye die living, and your +bones are no more than what death has left and committed to the grave. +If this were rightly understood, every man would find a _memento mori_, +or a death’s head, in his own looking-glass; and consider every house +with a family in’t but as a sepulchre filled with dead bodies; a truth +which you little dream of, though within your daily view and experience. +Can you imagine a death elsewhere, and not in yourselves? Believe’t +y’are in a shameful mistake; for you yourselves are skeletons before ye +are aware.” + +“But, madam, under favour, what may all these people be that keep your +ladyship company? and since you are Death (as you say) how comes it, that +the babblers, and make-bates, are nearer your person, and more in your +good graces than the physicians?” “Why,” says she, “there are more +people talked to death and dispatched by babblers, than by all the +pestilential diseases in the world. And then your make-bates, and +meddlers kill more than your physicians, though (to give the gentlemen of +the faculty their due) they labour night and day for the enlargement of +our empire. For you must understand, that though distempered humours +make a man sick, ’tis the physician kills him; and looks to be well paid +for’t too: (and ’tis fit that every man should live by his trade) so that +when a man is asked, what such or such a one died of, he is not presently +to make answer, that he died of a fever, pleurisy, the plague, purples, +or the like; but that he died of the doctor. In one point, however, I +must needs acquit the physician; ye know that the style of right +honourable, and right worshipful, which was heretofore appropriate only +to persons of eminent degree and quality, is now in our days used by all +sorts of little people; nay the very barefoot friars, that live under +vows of humility and mortification, are stung with this itch of title and +vainglory. And your ordinary tradesmen, as vintners, tailors, masons, +and the like, must be all dressed up forsooth in the right worshipful: +whereas your physician does not so much court honour of appellation +(though, if it should rain dignities, he might be persuaded happily to +venture the wetting) but sits down contentedly with the honour of +disposing of your lives and moneys, without troubling himself about any +other sort of reputation.” + +The entertainment of these lectures, and discourses made the way seem +short and pleasant, and we were just now entering into a place, betwixt +light and dark, and of horror enough, if Death and I had not by this time +been very well acquainted. Upon one side of the passage, I saw three +moving figures, armed, and of human shape, and so alike, that I could not +say which was which. Just opposite, on the other side, a hideous +monster, and these three to one, and one to three, in a fierce, and +obstinate combat. Here Death made a stop, and facing about, asked me if +I knew these people. “Alas! no,” quoth I, “Heaven be praised, I do not, +and I shall put it in my litany that I never may.” “Now to see thy +ignorance,” cried Death; “these are thy old acquaintance, and thou hast +hardly kept any other company since thou wert born. Those three are the +world, the flesh, and the devil, the capital enemies of thy soul; and +they are so like one another, as well in quality, as appearance, that +effectually, whoever has one, has all. The proud and ambitious man +thinks he has got the world, but it proves the devil. The lecher, and +the epicure, persuade themselves that they have gotten the flesh, and +that’s the devil too; and in fine, thus it fares with all other kinds of +extravagants.” “But what’s he there,” said I, “that appears in so many +several shapes? and fights against the other three?” “That,” quoth +Death, “is the devil of money, who maintains that he himself alone is +equivalent to them three, and that wherever he comes, there’s no need of +them. Against the world, he argues from their own confession and +experience: for it passes for an oracle, that there’s no world but money; +he that’s out of money’s out of the world. Take away a man’s money, and +take away his life. Money answers all things. Against the second enemy, +he pleads that money is the flesh too: witness the girls and the +ganymedes it procures, and maintains. And against the third, he urges +that there’s nothing to be done without this devil of money. Love does +much but money does all; and money will make the pot boil, though the +devil piss in the fire.” “So that for ought I see,” quoth I, “the devil +of money has the better end of the staff.” + +After this, advancing a little further, I saw on one hand judgment, and +hell on the other (for so Death called them). Upon the sight of hell, +making a stop, to take a stricter survey of it, Death asked me, what it +was I looked at. I told her, it was hell; and I was the more intent upon +it, because I thought I had seen it somewhere else before. She +questioned me, where? I told her, that I had seen it in the corruption +and avarice of wicked magistrates; in the pride and haughtiness of +grandees; in the appetites of the voluptuous; in the lewd designs of ruin +and revenge; in the souls of oppressors; and in the vanity of divers +princes. But he that would see it whole and entire, in one subject, must +go to the hypocrite, who is a kind of religious broker, and puts out at +five-and-forty per cent. the very Sacraments and Ten Commandments. + +“I am very glad too,” said I, “that I have seen judgment as I find it +here, in its purity; for that which we call judgment in the world is a +mere mockery: if it were like this, men would live otherwise than they +do. To conclude: if it be expected that our judges should govern +themselves and us by this judgment, the world’s in an ill case; for +there’s but little of’t there. And to deal plainly, as matters are, I +have no great maw to go home again: for ’tis better being with the dead, +where there’s justice, than with the living, where there’s none.” + +Our next step was into a fair and spacious plain, encompassed with a huge +wall, where he that’s once in must never look to come out again. “Stop +here,” quoth Death, “for we are now come to my judgment-seat, and here it +is that I give audience.” The walls were hung with sighs and groans, +ill-news, fears, doubts, and surprises. Tears did not there avail either +the lover or the beggar; but grief and care were without both measure and +comfort; and served as vermin to gnaw the hearts of emperors and princes, +feeding upon the insolent and ambitious, as their proper nourishment. I +saw Envy there dressed up in a widow’s veil, and the very picture of the +government of one of your noblemen’s houses. She kept a continual fast +as to the shambles, preying only upon herself; and could not but be a +very slender gentlewoman, upon so spare a diet. Nothing came amiss to +her teeth (good or bad) which made the whole set of them yellow and +rotten, and the reason was that, though she bit, and set her mark upon +the good and the sound, she could never swallow it. Under her, sat +discord; the legitimate issue of her own bowels. She had formerly +conversed much with married people, but finding no need of her there, +away she went to colleges and corporations, where it seems they had more +already than they knew what to do withal; and then she betook herself to +courts and palaces, and officiated there, as the devil’s lieutenant. +Next to her was ingratitude, and she out of a certain paste made up of +pride and malice, was moulding of new devils. I was extreme glad of this +discovery, being of opinion, till now, that the ungrateful had been the +devils themselves, because I read, that the angels that fell were made +devils for their ingratitude. To be short, the whole place echoed with +rage and curses. “What a devil have we here to do,” said I, “does it +rain curses in this country?” With that; a death at my elbow asked me, +what a devil could I expect else, in a place where there were so many +matchmakers, attorneys, and common barristers, who are a pack of the most +accursed wretches in nature. Is there anything more common in the world, +than the exclamations of husbands and wives? “Oh! that damned devil of a +pander: a heavy curse upon that bitch of a bawd that ever brought us +together.” “The pillory and ten thousand gibbets to boot take that +pickpocket attorney, that advised me to this lawsuit; h’ as ruined me for +ever.” “But pray’e,” said I, “what do all these matchmakers and +attorneys here together? Do they come for audience?” Death was here a +little quick upon me, and called me fool for so impertinent a question. +“If there were no matchmakers,” said she, “we should not have the tenth +part of these skeletons, and desperadoes. Am not I here the fifth +husband of a woman yet living in the world, that hopes to send twice as +many more after me, and drink maudlin at the fifteenth funeral?” “You +say well,” said I, “as to the business of matchmakers; but why so many +pettifoggers, I pray’e?” “Nay, then, I perceive,” quoth Death, “now you +have a mind to seize me; for that rascally sort of caterpillars have been +my undoing. Had not a man better die by the common hangman than by the +hand of an attorney? to be killed by falsities, quirks, cavils, delays, +exceptions, cheats, circumventions: yes, yes, and it must not be denied, +that these makers of matches, and splitters of causes, are the principal +support of this imperial throne.” + +At these words, I raised my eyes, and saw Death seated in her chair of +state, with abundance of little deaths crowding about her: as the death +of love, of cold, hunger, fear, and laughter; all, with their several +ensigns and devices. The death of love, I perceived, had very little +brain, and to keep herself in countenance, she kept company with Pyramus +and Thisbe, Hero and Leander, and some Amadis’s and Palmerins d’Oliva; +all embalmed, steeped in good vinegar, and well dried. I saw a great +many other sorts of lovers too, that were brought, in all appearance, to +their last agonies, but by the singular miracle of self-interest +recovered to the tune of + + Will, if looking well won’t move her, + Looking ill prevail? + +The death of cold was attended by a many prelates, bishops, abbots, and +other ecclesiastics, who had neither wives, nor children, nor indeed +anybody else that cared for them, further than for their fortunes. +These, when they come to a fit of sickness, are pillaged even to their +sheets and bedding, before ye can say a paternoster. Nay, many times +they are stripped, ere they are laid, and destroyed for want of clothes +to keep them warm. + +The death of hunger was encompassed with a multitude of avaricious misers +that were cording up of trunks, bolting of doors and windows, locking up +of cellars and garrets, and nailing down of trap doors, burying of pots +of money, and starting at every breath of wind they heard. Their eyes +were ready to drop out of their heads, for want of sleep; their mouths +and bellies complaining of their hands, and their souls turned into gold +and silver (the idols they adored.) + +The death of fear had the most magnificent train and attendance of all +the rest, being accompanied with a great number of usurpers arid tyrants, +who commonly do justice upon themselves, for the injuries they have done +to others, their own consciences doing the office of tormentors, and +avenging their public crimes by their private sufferings; for they live +in a perpetual anguish of thought, with fears and jealousies. + +The death of laughter was the last of all, and surrounded with a throng +of people, hasty to believe, and slow to repent, living without fear of +justice, and dying without hope of mercy. These are they that pay all +their debts and duties with a jest. Bid any of them, “Give every man his +due, and return what he has either borrowed, or wrongfully taken,” his +answer is, “You’d make a man die with laughing.” Tell him, “My friend, +you are now in years, your dancing days are done, and your body is worn +out; what should such a scarecrow as you are do with a bed-fellow? Give +over your bawdy haunts for shame, and don’t make a glory of a sin, when +you’re past the pleasure of it, and yourself upon all accounts +contemptible into the bargain.” “This fellow,” says he, “would make a +man break his heart with laughing.” “Come, come, say your prayers, and +bethink yourself of eternity; you have one foot in the grave already, and +’tis high time to fit yourself for the other world.” “Thou wilt +absolutely kill me with laughing. I tell thee I’m as sound as a rock, +and I do not remember that ever I was better in my life.” Others there +are, that, let a man advise them upon their deathbeds and even at the +last gasp to send for a divine, or to make some handsome settlement of +their estates, “Alas, alas!” they’ll cry; “I have been as bad as this +many a time before, and (with Falstaffe’s hostess) I hope in the Lord +there’s no need to think of him yet.” These men are lost for ever, +before they can be brought to understand their danger. This vision +wrought strangely upon me, and gave me all the pains and marks imaginable +of a true repentance. “Well,” said I, “since so it is, that man has but +one life allotted him and so many deaths; but one way into the world and +so many millions out of it, I will certainly at my return make it more my +care than it has been to live with a good conscience, that I may die with +comfort.” + +These last words were scarce out of my mouth, when the crier of the court +with a loud voice called out, “The dead, the dead; appear the dead.” And +so immediately, I saw the earth begin to move, and gently opening itself, +to make way, first for heads and arms, and then by degrees for the whole +bodies of men and women, that came out, half muffled in their nightcaps, +and ranged themselves in excellent order, and with a profound silence. +“Now,” says Death, “let everyone speak in his turn;” and in the instant, +up comes one of the dead to my very beard, with so much fury and menace, +in his face and action, that I would have given him half the teeth in my +head for a composition. “These devils of the world,” quoth he, “what +would they be at? my masters, cannot a poor wretch be quiet in his grave +for ye? but ye must be casting your scorns upon him, and charging him +with things that upon my soul he’s as innocent of as the child that’s +unborn. What hurt has he done any of you (ye scoundrels you) to be thus +abused?” “And I beseech you, sir,” said I, “(under your favourable +correction) who may you be? for I confess I have not the honour either to +know or to understand ye.” “I am,” quoth he, “the unfortunate Tony, that +has been in his grave now this many a fair year, and yet your wise +worships forsooth have not wit enough to make yourselves and your company +merry, but Tony must still be one-half of your entertainment and +discourse. When any man plays the fool or the extravagant, presently +he’s a Tony. Who drew this or that ridiculous piece? Tony. Such or +such a one was never well taught: no, he had a Tony to his master. But +let me tell ye, he that shall call your wisdoms to shrift and take a +strict account of your words and actions, will upon the upshot find you +all a company of Tonys, and in effect the greater impertinents. As for +instance: did I ever make ridiculous wills (as you do) to oblige others +to pray for a man in his grave, that never prayed for himself in his +life? Did I ever rebel against my superiors? Or, was I ever so arrant a +coxcomb, as by colouring my cheeks and hair, to imagine that I could +reform nature, and make myself young again? Can ye say that I ever put +an oath to a lie? or broke a solemn promise, as you do every day that +goes over your heads? Did I ever enslave myself to money? Or, on the +other side, make ducks and drakes with it? and squander it away in +gaming, revelling, and whoring? Did my wife ever wear the breeches? Or, +did I ever marry at all, to be revenged of a false mistress? Was I ever +so very a fool as to believe any man would be true to me, who had +betrayed his friend? Or, to venture all my hopes upon the wheel of +fortune? Did I ever envy the felicity of a court-life, that sells and +spends all for a glance? What pleasure did I ever take in the lewd +discourses of heretics and libertines? Or, did I ever list myself in the +party, to get the name of a gifted brother? Who ever saw me insolent to +my inferiors, or basely servile to my betters? Did I ever go to a +conjurer, or to your dealers in nativities, and horoscopes upon any +occasion of loss or death? Now if you yourselves be guilty of all these +fopperies, and I innocent, I beseech ye where’s the Tony? So that you +see Tony is not the Tony you take him for. But (to crown his other +virtues) he is also endued with so large a stock of patience that whoever +needed it had it for the asking, unless it were such as came to borrow +money; or in cases of women, that claimed marriage of him; or lackeys +that would be making sport with his bauble; and to these, he was as +resolute as John Florio.” + +While we were upon this discourse, another of the dead came marching up +to me, with a Spanish pace and gravity; and giving me a touch o’ the +elbow, “Look me in the face,” quoth he with a stern countenance, “and +know, sir, that you are not now to have to do with a Tony.” “I beseech +your lordship,” said I, “(saving your reverence) let me know your honour, +that I may pay my respects accordingly; for I must confess, I thought all +people here had been, hail fellow well met.” “I am called,” quoth he, +“by mortals, Queen Dick; and whether you know me or not, I’m sure you +think and talk of me often enough; and if the devil did not possess ye, +you would let the dead alone, and content yourselves to persecute one +another. Ye can’t see a high crowned hat, a threadbare cloak, a +basket-hilt sword, or a dudgeon dagger, nay not so much as a reverend +matron, well stricken in years, but presently ye cry, “This or that’s of +the mode or date of Queen Dick.” If ye were not every mother’s child of +ye stark mad, ye would confess that Queen Dick’s were golden days to +those ye have had since, and ’tis an easy matter to prove what I say. +Will ye see a mother now teaching her daughter a lesson of good +government? ‘Child,’ says she, ‘you know that modesty is the great +ornament of your sex; wherefore be sure, when ye come in company, that +you don’t stand staring the men in the face, as if ye were looking babies +in their eyes, but rather look a little downward, as a fashion of +behaviour more suitable to the obligations of your sex.’ ‘Downward?’ +says the girl, ‘I beseech you, madam, excuse me: this was well enough in +the days of Queen Dick, when the poor creatures knew no better. Let the +men look downward towards the clay of which they were made, but man was +our original, and it will become us to keep our eyes upon the matter from +whence we came.’ If a father give his son in charge, to worship his +Creator, to say his prayers morning and evening, to give thanks before +and after meat, to have a care of gaming and swearing, ye shall have the +son make answer, that ’tis true, this was practised in the time of Queen +Dick, but it is now quite out of mode; and in plain English, men are +better known nowadays by their atheism and blasphemy than by their +beards.” + +Hereupon, Queen Dick withdrew, and then appeared a large glass-bottle, +wherein was luted up (as I heard) a famous necromancer, hacked and minced +according to his own order, to render him immortal. It was boiling upon +a quick fire, and the flesh by little and little began to piece again, +and made first an arm, then a thigh, after that a leg; and at last there +was an entire body, that raised itself upright in the bottle. Bless me +(thought I!) what’s here? A man made of a pottage, and brought into the +world out of the belly of a bottle? This vision affrighted me to the +very heart; and while I was yet panting and trembling, a voice was heard +out of the glass. “In what year of our Lord are we?” “1636,” quoth I. +“And welcome,” said he; “for ’tis the happy year I have longed for so +many a day.” “Who is it, I pray’e,” quoth I, “that I now see and hear in +the belly of this bottle?” “I am,” said he, “the great necromancer of +Europe; and certainly you cannot but have heard both of my operations in +general, and of this particular design.” “I have heard talk of you from +a child,” quoth I, “but all those stories I took only for old wives’ +fables. You are the man then it seems: I must confess that at first, at +a distance I took this bottle for the vessel that the ingenious Rabelais +makes mention of; but coming near enough to see what was in it, I did +then imagine it might be some philosopher by the fire, or some apothecary +doing penance for his errors. In fine, it has cost me many a heavy step +to come hither, and yet to see so great a rarity I cannot but think my +time and pains very well bestowed.” The necromancer called to me then to +unstop the bottle, and as I was breaking the clay to open it, “Hold, hold +a little,” he cried; “and I prithee tell me first how go squares in +Spain? What money? Force? Credit?” “The plate fleets go and come,” +said I, “reasonably well; but the foreigners that come in for their snips +have half spoiled the trade. The Genoeses run out as far as the +mountains of Potosi, and have almost drained them dry.” “My child,” +quoth he, “that trade can never be secure and open, so long as Spain has +any enemy that’s potent at sea. And for the Genoeses, they’ll tell you +this is no injustice at all, but on the contrary, a new way of quitting +old scores, and justifying his Catholic Majesty for a good paymaster. I +am no enemy to that nation, but upon the account of their vices and +encroachments; and I confess, rather than see these rascals prosper, I’d +turn myself into a _bouillon_ again, as ye saw me just now; nay, I did +not care if ’twere into a powder, though I ended my days in a +tobacco-box.” “Good sir,” said I, “comfort yourself, for these people +are as miserable as you’d wish them. You know they are cavaliers and +signiors already, and now (forsooth) they have an itch upon them to be +princes: a vanity that gnaws them like a cancer; and by drawing on great +expenses, breeds a worm in their traffic, so that you’ll find little but +debt and extravagance at the foot of the accompt. And then the devil’s +in them for a wench, insomuch, that ’tis well, if they bring both ends +together; for what’s gotten upon the ’Change is spent in the stews.” + +“This is well,” quoth the necromancer, “and I’m glad to hear it. Pray’e +tell me now, what price bears honour and honesty in the world?” “There’s +much to be said,” quoth I, “upon that point; but in brief, there was +never more of it in talk, nor less in effect. ‘Upon my honesty,’ cries +the tradesman; ‘Upon my honour,’ says his lordship. And in a word, every +man has it, and every thing is it, in some disguise or other; but duly +considered, there’s no such thing upon the face of the earth. The thief +says ’tis more honourable to take than beg. He that asks an alms, pleads +that ’tis honester to beg than steal. Nay the false witnesses and +murderers themselves stand upon their points, as well as their +neighbours, and will tell ye that a man of honour will rather be buried +alive than submit (though they will not always do as they say). Upon the +whole matter, every man sets up a court of honour within himself, +pronounces everything honourable that serves his purpose, and laughs at +them that think otherwise. To say the truth, all things are now +topsy-turvy. A good faculty in lying is a fair step to preferment; and +to pack a game at cards, or help the frail die, is become the mark and +glory of a cavalier. The Spaniards were heretofore, I confess, a very +brave, and well governed people; but they have evil tongues among them +nowadays, that say they might e’en go to school to the Indians to learn +sobriety and virtue. For they are not really sober, but at their own +tables, which indeed is rather avarice than moderation; for when they eat +or drink at another man’s cost, there are no greater gluttons in the +world; and for fuddling, they shall make the best pot-companion in +Switzerland knock under the table.” + +The necromancer went on with his discourse, and asked me what store of +lawyers and attorneys in Spain at present. I told him, that the whole +world swarmed with them, and that there were of several sorts: some, by +profession; others, by intrusion and presumption; and some again by +study, but not many of the last, though indeed sufficient of every kind +to make the people pray for the Egyptian locusts and caterpillars in +exchange for that vermin. “Why then,” quoth the necromancer, “if there +be such plagues abroad, I think I had best e’en keep where I am.” “It is +with justice,” said I, “as with sick men; in time past, when we had fewer +doctors (as well of law as of physic) we had more right, and more health: +but we are now destroyed by multitudes, and consultations, which serve to +no other end than to inflame both the distemper and the reckoning. +Justice, as well as truth, went naked, in the days of old; one single +book of laws and ordinances, was enough for the best ordered Government +in the world. But the justice of our age is tricked up with bills, +parchments, writs, and labels; and furnished with millions of codes, +digests, pandects, pleadings, and reports; and what’s their use, but to +make wrangling a science? and to embroil us in seditions, suits, and +endless trouble and confusion. We have had more books published this +last twenty years than in a thousand before, and there hardly passes a +term without a new author, in four or five volumes at least under the +titles of glosses, commentaries, cases, judgments, etc. And the great +strife is, who writes most, not best; so that the whole bulk is but a +body without a soul, and fitter for a churchyard than a study. To say +the truth, these lawyers and solicitors are but so many smoke-merchants, +sellers of wind, and troublers of the public peace. If there were no +attorneys, there would be no suits; if no suits, no cheats, no serjeants; +no catchpoles, no prisons; if no prisons, no judges; no judges, no +passion; no passion, no bribery or subornation. + +“See now what a train of mischiefs one wretched pettifogger draws after +him! If you go to him for counsel, he hears your story, reads your case, +and tells you very gravely: ‘Sir, this is a nice point, and would be well +handled; we’ll see what the law says.’ And then he runs ye over with his +eye and finger a matter of a hundred volumes, grumbling all the while, +like a cat that claws in her play ’twixt jest and earnest. At last, down +comes the book, he shows the law, bids ye leave your papers, and he’ll +study the question. ‘But your cause is very good,’ says he, ‘by what I +see already, and if you’ll come again in the evening, or to-morrow +morning, I’ll tell ye more. But pardon me, sir, now I think on’t, I am +retained upon the business of the Fens, it cannot be till Monday next, +and then I’m for ye.’ When ye are to part, and that you come to the +greasing of his fist (the best thing in the world both for the wit, and +memory), ‘Good Lord! sir,’ says he, ‘what do you mean! I beseech you, +sir; nay, pray’e sir,’ and if he spies you drawing back, the paw opens, +seizes the guineas, and good-morrow countryman.” “Sayst thou me so?” +quoth the good fellow in the glass, “stop me up close again as thou +lovest me then: for the very air of these rascals will poison me, if ever +I put my head out of this bottle, till the whole race of them be extinct. +In the meantime, take this for a rule: he that would thrive by law, must +fee his enemies’ counsel as well as his own. + +“But now ye talk of great cheats; what news of the Venetians? Is Venice +still in the world or no?” “In the world do ye say? Yes, marry is’t,” +said I, “and stands just where it did.” “Why then,” quoth he, “I prithee +give it to the devil from me as a token of my love; for ’tis a present +equal to the severest revenge. Nothing can ever destroy that Republic +but conscience; and then you’ll say ’tis like to be long-lived; for if +every man had his own, it would not be left worth a groat. To speak +freely, ’tis an odd kind of common-wealth. ’Tis the very arse-gut, the +drain and sink of monarchies, both in war and peace. It helps the Turk +to vex the Christians, and the Christians to gall the Turk, and maintains +itself to torment both. The inhabitants are neither Moors nor +Christians, as appears by a Venetian captain, in a combat against a +Christian enemy: ‘Stand to’t my masters,’ says he, ‘ye were Venetians +before ye were Christians.’ + +“Enough, enough of this,” cried the necromancer, “and tell me, how stand +the people affected? What malcontents and mutineers?” “Mutiny,” said I, +“is so universal a disease that every kingdom is (in effect) but a great +hospital, or rather a Bedlam (for all men are mad) to entertain the +disaffected.” “There’s no stirring for me then,” quoth the necromancer, +“but pray’e commend me however to those busy fools, and tell them, that +carry what face they will, there’s vanity and ambition in the pad. Kings +and princes have their nature much of quick-silver. They are in +perpetual agitation, and without any repose. Press them too hard (that +is to say beyond the bounds of duty and reason) and they are lost. Ye +may observe that your guilders and great dealers in quick-silver are +generally troubled with the palsy; and so should all subjects tremble +that have to do with majesty, and better to do it at first, out of +respect, than afterward, upon force and necessity. + +“But before I fall to pieces again, as you saw me e’en now (for better so +than worse) I beseech ye, one word more, and it shall be my last. Who’s +King of Spain now?” “You know,” said I, “that Philip the 3rd is dead.” +“Right,” quoth he, “a prince of incomparable piety, and virtue (or my +stars deceive me).” “After him,” said I, “came Philip the 4th.” “If it +be so,” quoth he, “break, break my bottle immediately, and help me out; +for I am resolved to try my fortune in the world once again, under the +reign of that glorious prince.” And with that word, he dashed the glass +to pieces against a rock, crept out of his case and away he ran. I had a +good mind to have kept him company; but as I was just about to start, +“Let him go, let him go,” cried one of the dead, and laid hold of my arm. +“He has devilish heels, and you’ll never overtake him.” + +So I stayed, and what should I see next but a wondrous old man, whose +name might have been Bucephalus by his head; and the hair on his face +might very well have stuffed a couple of cushions: take him together, and +you’ll find his picture in the map, among the savages. I need not tell +ye that I stared upon him sufficiently; and he taking notice of it, came +to me, and told me: “Friend,” says he, “my spirit tells me that you are +now in pain to know who I am; understand that my name is Nostradamus.” +“Are you the author, then,” quoth I, “of that gallimaufry of prophecies +that’s published in your name?” “Gallimaufry say’st thou? Impudent and +barbarous rascal that thou art; to despise mysteries that are above thy +reach, and to revile the secretary of the stars, and the interpreter of +the destinies; who is so brutal as to doubt the meaning of these lines? + + “From second causes, this I gather, + Nought shall befall us, good, or ill, + Either upon the land or water, + But what the Great Disposer will. + +“Reprobated and besotted villains that ye are! what greater blessing +could betide the world than the accomplishment of this prophecy? would it +not establish justice and holiness, and suppress all the vile suggestions +and motions of the devil? Men would not then any longer set their hearts +upon avarice, cozening, and extortion; and make money their god, that +vagabond money, that’s perpetually trotting up and down like a wandering +whore, and takes up most commonly with the unworthy, leaving the +philosophers and prophets, which are the very oracles of the heavens +(such as Nostradamus) to go barefoot. But let’s go on with our +prophecies, and see if they be so frivolous and dark, as the world +reports them. + + “When the married shall marry, + Then the jealous will be sorry; + And though fools will be talking, + To keep their tongues walking; + No man runs well I find, + But with’s elbows behind.” + +This gave me such a fit of laughing that it made me cast my nose up into +the air, like a stone-horse that hath got a mare in the wind: which put +the astrologer out of all patience. “Buffoon, and dog-whelp, as ye are,” +quoth he, “there’s a bone for you to pick; you must be snarling and +snapping at everything. Will your teeth serve ye now to fetch out the +marrow of this prophecy? Hear then in the devil’s name, and be mannerly. +Hear, and learn I say, and let’s have no more of that grinning, unless ye +have a mind to leave your beard behind ye. Do you imagine that all that +are married marry? No, not the one half of them. When you are married, +the priest has done his part; but after that, to marry, is to do the duty +of a husband. Alack! how many married men live as if they were single; +and how many bachelors on the other side, as if they were married! after +the mode of the times. And wedlock to divers couples is no other than a +more sociable state of virginity. Here’s one half of my prophecy +expounded already, now for the rest. Let me see you run a little for +experiment, and try if you carry your elbows before, or behind. You’ll +tell me perhaps, that this is ridiculous, because everybody knows it. A +pleasant shift: as if truth were the worse for being plain. The things +indeed that you deliver for truths are for the most part mere fooleries +and mistakes; and it were a hard matter to put truth in such a dress as +would please ye. What have ye to say now, either against my prophecy or +my argument? not a syllable I warrant ye, and yet somewhat there is to be +said, for there’s no rule without an exception. Does not the physician +carry his elbow before him, when he puts back his hand to take his +patient’s money? And away he’s gone in a trice, so soon as he has made +his purchase. But to proceed, here’s another of my prophecies for ye, + + “Many women shall be mothers, + And their babbies, + Their n’own daddies. + +“What say ye to this now? are there not many husbands do ye think (if the +truth were known) that father more children than their own? Believe me, +friend, a man had need have good security upon a woman’s belly, for +children are commonly made in the dark, and ’tis no easy matter to know +the workman, especially having nothing but the woman’s bare word for’t. +This is meant of the court of assistance; and whoever interprets my +prophecies to the prejudice of any person of honour, abuses me. You +little think what a world of our gay folks in their coaches and six, with +lackeys at their heels by the dozens, will be found at the last day, to +be only the bastards of some pages, gentlemen-ushers, or _valets de +chambre_ of the family; nay perchance the physician may have had his hand +in the wrong box, and in case of a necessity, good use has been made of a +lusty coachman. Little do you think (I say) how many noble families upon +that grand discovery, will be found extinct for want of issue.” + +“I am now convinced,” said I to the mathematician, “of the excellency of +your predictions; and I perceive (since you have been pleased to be your +own interpreter) that they have more weight in them than we were aware +of.” “Ye shall have one more,” quoth he, “and I have done. + + “This year, if I’ve any skill i’ th’ weather, + Shall many a one take wing with a feather. + +“I dare say that your wit will serve ye now to imagine, that I’m talking +of rooks and jackdaws; but I say, No. I speak of lawyers, attorneys, +clerks, scriveners, and their fellows, that with the dash of a pen can +defeat their clients of their estates, and fly away with them when they +have done.” + +Upon these words Nostradamus vanished, and somebody plucking me behind, I +turned my face upon the most meagre, melancholic wretch that ever was +seen, and covered all in white. “For pity’s sake,” says he, “and as you +are a good Christian, do but deliver me from the persecution of these +impertinents and babblers that are now tormenting me, and I’ll be your +slave for ever” (casting himself at my feet in the same moment; and +crying like a child). “And what art thou,” quoth I, “for a miserable +creature?” “I am,” says he, “an ancient, and an honest man, although +defamed with a thousand reproaches and slanders: and in fine, some call +me another, and others somebody, and doubtless ye cannot but have heard +of me. As somebody says, cries one, that has nothing to say for himself; +and yet till this instant, I never so much as opened my mouth. The +Latins call me Quidam, and make good use of me to fill up lines, and stop +gaps. When you go back again into the world, I pray’e do me the favour +to own that you have seen me, and to justify me for one that never did, +and never will either speak or write anything, whatever some tattling +idiots may pretend. When they bring me into quarrels and brawls, I am +called forsooth, a certain person; in their intrigues, I know not who; +and in the pulpit, a certain author; and all this, to make a mystery of +my name, and lay all their fooleries at my door. Wherefore I beseech ye +help me;” which I promised to do. And so this vision withdrew to make +place for another. + +And that was the most frightful piece of antiquity that ever eye beheld +in the shape of an old woman. She came nodding towards me, and in a +hollow, rattling tone (for she spoke more with her chops than her tongue) +“Pray’e,” says she, “is there not somebody come lately hither from the +other world?” This apparition, thought I, is undoubtedly one of the +devil’s scarecrows. Her eyes were so sunk in their sockets, that they +looked like a pair of dice in the bottom of a couple of red boxes. Her +cheeks and the soles of her feet were of the same complexion. Her mouth +was pale, and open too; the better to receive the distillations of her +nose. Her chin was covered with a kind of goose-down, as toothless as a +lamprey; and the flaps of her cheeks were like an ape’s bags; her head +danced, and her voice at every word kept time to’t. Her body was veiled, +or rather wrapped up in a shroud of crape. She had a crutch in one hand, +which served her for a supporter; and a rosary in t’other, of such a +length, that as she stood stooping over it, a man would have thought she +had been fishing for death’s heads. When I had done gaping upon this +epitome of past ages, “Hola! grannum,” quoth I, good lustily in her ear, +taking for granted that she was deaf, “what’s your pleasure with me?” +With that she gave a grunt, and being much in wrath to be called grannum, +clapped a fair pair of spectacles upon her nose, and pinking through +them, “I am,” quoth she, “neither deaf, nor grannum; but may be called by +my name as well as my neighbours,” (giving to understand, that women will +take it ill to be called old, even in their very graves). As she spake, +she came still nearer me, with her eyes dropping, and the smell about her +perfectly of a dead body. I begged her pardon for what was past, and for +the future her name, that I might be sure to keep myself within the +bounds of respect. “I am called,” says she, “Doüegna, or Madam the +Gouvernante.” “How’s that?” quoth I, in a great amazement. “Have ye any +of those cattle in this country? Let the inhabitants pray heartily for +peace then; and all little enough to keep them quiet. But to see my +mistake now. I thought the women had died, when they came to be +gouvernantes, and that for the punishment of a wicked world, the +gouvernantes had been immortal. But I am now better informed, and very +glad truly to meet with a person I have heard so much talk of. For with +us, who but Madam the Gouvernante, at every turn? ‘Do ye see that +mumping hag,’ cries one? ‘Come here ye damned jade,’ cries another. +‘That old bawd,’ says a third, ‘has forgotten, I warrant ye, that ever +she was a whore, and now see if we do not remember ye.’” “You do so, and +I’m in your debt for your remembrance, the great devil be your paymaster, +ye son of a whore, you; are there no more gouvernantes than myself? Sure +there are, and ye may have your choice, without affronting me.” “Well, +well,” said I, “have a little patience, and at my return, I’ll try if I +can put things in better order. But in the meantime, what business have +you here?” Her reverence upon this was a little qualified, and told me +that she had now been eight hundred years in hell, upon a design to erect +an order of the gouvernantes; but the right worshipful the +devil-commissioners are not as yet come to any resolution upon the point. +For say they, if your gouvernantes should come once to settle here, there +would need no other tormentors, and we should be but so many Jacks out of +office. And besides, we should be perpetually at daggers-drawing about +the brands and candle-ends which they would still be filching, and laying +out of the way; and for us to have our fuel to seek, would be very +inconvenient. “I have been in purgatory too,” she said, “upon the same +project, but there so soon as ever they set eye on me, all the souls +cried out unanimously, _libera nos_, etc. As for heaven, that’s no place +for quarrels, slanders, disquiets, heart-burnings, and consequently none +for me. The dead are none of my friends neither, for they grumble, and +bid me let them alone as they do me; and be gone into the world again if +I please, and there (they tell me) I may play the gouvernante _in sæcula +sæculorum_. But truly I had rather be here at my ease than spend my life +crumpling, and brooding over a carpet at a bed-side, like a thing of +clouts, to secure the poultry of the family from strange cocks, which +would now and then have a brush with a virgin pullet, but for the care of +the gouvernantes. And yet ’tis she, good woman, bears all the blame, in +case of any miscarriage: the gouvernante was presently of the plot, she +had a feeling in the cause, a finger in the pie. And ’tis she in fine +that must answer for all. Let but a sock, an old handkercher, the greasy +lining of a masque, or any such frippery piece of business be missing, +ask the gouvernante for this, or for that. And in short, they take us +certainly for so many storks and ducks, to gather up all the filth about +the house. The servants look upon us as spies and tell-tales: my cousin +forsooth, and t’other’s aunt dares not come to the house, for fear of the +gouvernante. And indeed I have made many of them cross themselves, that +took me for a ghost. Our masters they curse us too for embroiling the +family. So that I have rather chosen to take up here, betwixt the dead +and the living, than to return again to my charge of a Doüegna, the very +sound of the name being more terrible than a gibbet. As appears by one +that was lately travelling from Madrid to Vailladolid, and asking where +he might lodge that night. Answer was made at a small village called +Doüegnas. ‘But is there no other place,’ quoth he, ‘within some +reasonable distance, either short or beyond it?’ They told him no, +unless it were at a gallows. ‘That shall be my quarter then,’ quoth he, +‘for a thousand gibbets are not so bad to me as one Doüegnas.’ Now ye +see how we are abused,” quoth the gouvernante, “I hope you’ll do us some +right, when it lies in your power.” + +She would have talked me to death, if I had not given her the slip upon +the removing of her spectacles; but I could not ’scape so neither, for +looking about me for a guide to carry me home again, I was arrested by +one of the dead; a good proper fellow, only he had a pair of rams’ horns +on his head, and I was about to salute him for Aries in the Zodiac; but +when I saw him plant himself, just before me, with his best leg forward, +stretching out his arms, clutching his fists, and looking as sour as if +he would have eaten me without mustard, “Doubtless,” said I, “the devil +is dead and this is he.” “No, no,” cried a bystander, “this is a man:” +“Why then,” said I, “he’s drunk, I perceive, and quarrelsome in his ale, +for here’s nobody has touched him.” With that, as he was just ready to +fall on, I stood to my guard, and we were armed at all points alike, only +he had the odds of the headpiece. “Now, sirrah,” says he, “have at ye, +slave that you are to make a trade of defaming persons of honour. By the +death that commands here, I’ll ha’ my revenge, and turn your skin over +your ears.” This insolent language stirred my choler I confess, and so I +called to him “Come, come on, sirrah; a little nearer yet, and if ye have +a mind to be twice killed, I’ll do your business; who the devil brought +this cornuto hither to trouble me?” The word was no sooner out, but we +were immediately at it, tooth and nail, and if his horns had not been +flatted to his head, I might have had the worst on’t. But the whole ring +presently came in to part us, and did me a singular kindness in’t, for my +adversary had a fork, and I had none. As they were staving and tailing, +“You might have had more manners,” cried one, “than to give such language +to your betters, and to call Don Diego Moreno cuckold.” “And is this +that Diego Moreno then?” said I. “Rascal that he is to charge me with +abusing persons of honour. A scoundrel,” said I, “that ’tis a shame for +death to be seen in’s company, and was never fit for anything in his +whole life, but to furnish matter for a farce.” “And that’s my +grievance, gentlemen,” quoth Don Diego, “for which with your leave he +shall give me satisfaction. I do not stand upon the matter of being a +cuckold, for there’s many a brave fellow lives in Cuckold’s-Row. But why +does he not name others, as well as me? As if the horn grew upon +nobody’s head but mine: I’m sure there are others that a thousand times +better deserve it. I hope, he cannot say that ever I gored any of my +superiors; or that my being cornuted has raised the price of post-horns, +lanthorns, or pocket-ink-horns. Are not shoeing-horns and knife-handles +as cheap now as ever? Why must I walk the stage then more than my +neighbours? Beyond question there never lived a more peaceable wretch +upon the face of the earth, all things considered, than myself. Never +was man freer from jealousy, or more careful to step aside at the time of +visit: for I was ever against the spoiling of sport, when I could make +none myself. I confess I was not so charitable to the poor as I might +have been; the truth of’t is, I watched them as a cat would do a mouse, +for I did not love them. But then in requital, I could have out-snorted +the Seven Sleepers, when any of the better sort came to have a word in +private with my wife. The short on’t is, we agreed blessedly well +together, she and I; for I did whatever she would have me; and she would +say a thousand and a thousand times ‘Long live my poor Diego, the best +conditioned, the most complaisant husband in the world; whatever I do is +well done, and he never so much as opens his mouth good or bad.’ But by +her leave that was little to my credit, and the jade when she said it was +beside the cushion. For many and many a time have I said ‘This is well,’ +and ‘That’s ill.’ When there came any poets to our house, fiddlers or +morrice-dancers, I would say, ‘This is not well.’ But when the rich +merchants came ‘Oh, very good,’ would I say, ‘this is as well as well can +be.’ Sometimes we had the hap to be visited by some penniless courtier, +or low-country officer perchance; then should I take her aside, and +rattle her to some tune: ‘Sweetheart,’ would I say, ‘pray’e what ha’ we +to do with these frippery fellows and damme boys. Shake them off, I’d +advise ye, and take this for a warning.’ But when any came that had to +do with the mint or exchequer, and spent freely (for lightly come, +lightly go), ‘I marry, my dear,’ quoth I, ‘there’s nothing to be lost by +keeping such company.’ And what hurt in all this now? Nay, on the +contrary, my poor wife enjoyed herself happily under the protection of my +shadow, and being a _femme couverte_, not an officer durst come near her. +Why should then this buffoon of a poetaster make me still the ridiculous +entertainment of all his interludes and farces, and the fool in the +play?” “By your favour,” quoth I, “we are not yet upon even terms; and +before we part, you shall know what ’tis to provoke a poet. If thou wert +but now alive, I’d write thee to death, as Archilocus did Lycambes. And +I’m resolved to put the history of thy life in a satire, as sharp as +vinegar, and give it the name of The Life and Death of Don Diego Moreno.” +“It shall go hard,” quoth he, “but I’ll prevent that,” and so we fell +to’t again, hand and foot, till at length the very fancy of a scuffle +waked me, and I found myself as weary, as if it had been a real combat. +I began then to reflect upon the particulars of my dream, and to consider +what advantage I might draw from it: for the dead are past fooling, and +those are the soundest counsels which we receive from such as advise us +without either passion or interest. + + * * * * * + + THE END OF THE SECOND VISION + + + + +THE THIRD VISION OF THE LAST JUDGMENT + + +HOMER makes Jupiter the author or inspirer of dreams; especially the +dreams of princes and governors; and if the matter of them be pious and +important. And it is likewise the judgment of the learned Propertius +that good dreams come from above, have their weight, and ought not to be +slighted. And truly I am much of his mind, in the case of a dream I had +the other night. As I was reading a discourse touching the end of the +world, I fell asleep over the book, and dreamt of the last judgment. (A +thing which in the house of a poet is scarce admitted so much as in a +dream.) This fancy minded me of a passage in Claudian: that all +creatures dream at night of what they have heard and seen in the day, as +the hound dreams of hunting the hare. + +Methought I saw a very handsome youth towering in the air, and sounding +of a trumpet; but the forcing of his breath did indeed take off much of +his beauty. The very marbles, I perceived, and the dead obeyed his call; +for in the same moment, the earth began to open, and set the bones at +liberty, to seek their fellows. The first that appeared were sword-men, +as generals of armies, captains, lieutenants, common soldiers, who +supposing that it had sounded a charge, came out of their graves, with +the same briskness and resolution, as if they had been going to an +assault or a combat. The misers put their heads out, all pale and +trembling, for fear of a plunder. The cavaliers and good fellows +believed they had been going to a horserace, or a hunting-match. And in +fine, though they all heard the trumpet, there was not any creature knew +the meaning of it (for I could read their thoughts by their looks and +gestures). After this, there appeared a great many souls, whereof some +came up to their bodies, though with much difficulty and horror; others +stood wondering at a distance, not daring to come near so hideous and +frightful a spectacle. This wanted an arm, that an eye, t’other a head. +Upon the whole, though I could not but smile at the prospect of so +strange a variety of figures, yet was it not without just matter of +admiration at the all-powerful Providence, to see order drawn out of +confusion, and every part restored to the right owner. I dreamt myself +then in a churchyard; and there, methought, divers that were loth to +appear were changing of heads; and an attorney would have demurred upon +pretence that he had got a soul was none of his own, and that his body +and soul were not fellows. + +At length, when the whole congregation came to understand that this was +the day of judgment, it was worth the while to observe what shifting and +shuffling there was among the wicked. The epicure and whoremaster would +not own his eyes, nor the slanderer his tongue, because they’d be sure to +appear in evidence against them. The pickpockets ran away as hard as +they could drive from their own fingers. There was one that had been +embalmed in Egypt, and staying for his tripes, an old usurer asked him, +if the bags were to rise with the bodies? I could have laughed at this +question, but I was presently taken up with a crowd of cutpurses, running +full speed from their own ears (that were offered them again) for fear of +the sad stories they expected to hear. I saw all this from a convenient +standing; and in the instant, there was an outcry at my feet, “Withdraw, +withdraw.” The word was no sooner given, but down I came, and +immediately a great many handsome ladies put forth their heads, and +called me clown, for not paying them that respect and ceremony which +belonged to their quality (now you must know that the women stand upon +their pantofles, even in hell itself). They seemed at first very gay and +frolic; and truly, well enough pleased to be seen naked, for they were +clean-skinned and well made. But when they came to understand that this +was the great day of accompt; their consciences took check, and all the +jollity was dashed in a moment; whereupon they took to the valley, +miserably listless and out of humour. There was one among the rest, that +had had seven husbands, and promised every one of them never to marry +again, for she could never love anything else she was sure: this lady was +casting about for fetches, and excuses, and what answer she should make +to that point. Another that had been as common as Ratcliff highway, +would neither lead nor drive, and stood humming and hawing a good while, +pretending she had forgot her night-gear, and such fooleries; but spite +of her heart, she was brought at last within sight of the throne, where +she found a world of her old acquaintance that she had carried part of +their way to hell, who had no sooner set eye on her, but they fell a +pointing and hooting, so that she took up her heels and herded herself in +a troop of serjeants. After this, I saw a many people driving a +physician along the bank of a river, and these were only such as he had +unnecessarily dispatched before their time. They followed him with cries +of, “Justice, justice,” and forced him on toward the judgment-seat, where +they arrived in the end with much ado. While this passed, I heard, +methought, upon my left hand a paddling in the water, as if one had been +swimming: and what should this be, but a judge in the middle of a river +washing and rinsing his hands, over and over. I asked him the meaning of +it; and he told me, that in his lifetime he had been often daubed in the +fist, to make the business slip the better, and he would willingly get +out the grease before he came to hold up his hand at the bar. There +followed next a multitude of vintners and tailors, under the guard of a +legion of devils, armed with rods, whips, cudgels, and other instruments +of correction: and these counterfeited themselves deaf, and were very +loth to leave their graves, for fear of a worse lodging. As they were +passing on, up started a little lawyer, and asked whither they were +going; they made answer, that they were going to give an account of their +works. With that the lawyer threw himself flat upon his belly in his +hole again: “If I am to go downward at last,” says he, “I am thus much +onward of my way.” The vintner sweat as he walked, till one drop +followed another; “That’s well done,” cried a devil at’s elbow, “to purge +out thy water, that we may have none in our wine.” There was a tailor +wrapped up in sarcenets, crook-fingered and baker-legged, spake not one +word all the way he went, but alas! alas! how can any man be a thief that +dies for want of bread? But his companions gave him a rebuke for +discrediting his trade. The next that appeared were a band of +highwaymen, following upon the heels one of another, in great distrust +and jealousy of thieves among themselves. These were fetched up by a +party of devils in the turning of a hand and lodged with the tailors; +“for,” said one of the company, “your highwayman is but a wild tailor.” +They were a little quarrelsome at first, but in the conclusion, they went +down into the valley, and kennelled quietly together. After these came +Folly with her gang of poets, fiddlers, lovers, and fencers: the people +of all the world, that dream the least of a day of reckoning; these were +disposed of among the hangmen, Jews, scribes, and philosophers. There +were also a great many solicitors wondering among themselves, that they +should have so much conscience when they were dead, and none at all +living. In fine, the word was given, Silence. + +The throne being erected, and the great day come: a day of comfort to the +good, and of terror to the wicked. The sun and the stars waited on the +footstool; the wind was still; the water quiet; the earth in suspense and +anguish for fear of her children: and in brief, the whole creation was in +anxiety and disorder. The righteous they were employed in prayers and +thanksgivings; and the ungodly in framing of shifts and evasions, to +extenuate their pains. The guardian angels were at hand, on the one side +to acquit themselves of their duties and commissions. And on the other +side, were the devils hunting for more matters of aggravation and charge +against offenders. The Ten Commandments had the guard of a narrow gate, +which was so strait, that the most mortified body could not pass it, +without leaving a good part of his skin behind him. + +On one hand, there were in multitudes, disgraces, misfortunes, plagues, +griefs, and troubles; all in a clamour against the physicians. The +plague confessed, indeed, that she had struck many; but ’twas the doctor +did their business. Melancholy and disgrace said the like; and +misfortunes of all sorts made open protestation, that they never brought +any man to his grave without the help and advice of a doctor. So that +the gentlemen of the faculty were called to account for those they had +killed. They took their places upon a scaffold, with pen, ink, and paper +about them; and still as the dead were called, some or other of them +answered to the name, and declared the year and day when such a patient +passed through his hand. + +They began the inquiry at Adam, who, methought, was severely handled +about an apple. “Alas!” cried Judas that was by, “if that were such a +fault, what will become of me that sold and betrayed my Lord and Master?” +Next came the patriarchs, and then the apostles, who took their places by +Saint Peter. It was worth the noting, that at this day there was no +distinction between kings and beggars, before the judgment-seat. Herod +and Pilate, so soon as they put out their heads, found it was like to go +hard with them. “My judgment is just,” quoth Pilate. “Alack!” cried +Herod, “what have I to trust to? Heaven is no place for me, and in Limbo +I should fall among the innocents I have murdered; so that without more +ado I must e’en take up my lodging in hell: the common receptacle of +notorious malefactors.” + +There came in immediately upon this a kind of a sour rough-hewn fellow. +“Look ye,” says he, stretching out his arm, “here are my letters.” The +company wondered at the humour, and asked the porter what he was; which +he himself overhearing, “I am,” quoth he, “a master of the noble science +of defence;” and, plucking out several sealed parchments, “These,” said +he, “are the attestations of my exploits.” At which word, all his +testimonials fell out of his hand, and a couple of devils would fain have +whipped them up, to have brought them in evidence against him at his +trial; but the fencer was too nimble for them, and took them up himself. +At which time, an angel offered him his hand to help him in; but he, for +fear of an attack, leaped a step backward, and with great agility, +alonging withal, “Now,” says he, “if ye think fit, I’ll give ye a taste +of my skill.” The company fell a laughing, and this sentence was passed +upon him: that since by his rules of art he had occasioned so many duels +and murders, he should himself go to the devil by a perpendicular line. +He pleaded for himself, that he was no mathematician, and knew no such +line; but while the word was in his mouth a devil came up to him, gave +him a turn and a half, and down he tumbled. + +After him, came the treasurers, and such a cry following them, for +cheating and stealing, that some said the thieves were coming; others +said no; and the company was divided upon’t. They were much troubled at +the word, thieves, and desired the benefit of counsel to plead their +cause. “And very good reason,” said one of the devils, “here’s a +discarded apostle that has executed both offices, let them take him, +where’s Judas?” When the treasurers heard that, they turned aside, and +by chance, spied in a devil’s hand, a huge roll of accusations ready +drawn into a formal charge against them. With that, one of the boldest +among them: “Away, away,” cried he, “with these informations; we’ll +rather come to a fine and compound, though it were for ten or twenty +thousand years in purgatory.” “Ha! ha!” quoth the devil, a cunning snap +that drew up the charge, “if ye are upon those terms ye are hard put +to’t.” Whereupon the treasurers, being brought to a forced put, were +e’en glad to make the best of a bad game, and follow the fencer. + +These were no sooner gone, but in came an unlucky pastry-man; they asked +him if he would be tried. “That’s e’en as’t hits,” said he. At that +word, the devil that managed the cause against him, pressed his charge, +and laid it home to him, that he had put off cats for hares; and filled +his pies with bones instead of flesh; and not only so, but that he had +sold horse-flesh, dogs, and foxes, for beef and mutton. Upon the issue, +it was proved against him, that Noah never had so many animals in his ark +as this poor fellow had put in his pies (for we read of no rats and mice +there), so that he e’en gave up his cause, and went away to see if his +oven were hot. Next, came the philosophers with their syllogisms, and it +was no ill entertainment to hear them chop logic, and put all their +expostulations, in mood and figure. But the pleasantest people in the +world were the poets, who insisted upon it, that they were to be tried by +Jupiter; and to the charge of worshiping false gods, their answer was +that through them they worshipped the true one, and were rather mistaken +in the name than in the worship. Virgil had much to say for himself, for +his _Sicelides Musæ_; but Orpheus interrupted him, who being the father +of the poets desired to be heard for them all. “What, he?” cried one of +the devils, “yes; for teaching that boys were better bed-fellows than +wenches; but the women had combed his coxcomb for him, if they could have +catched him.” “Away with him to hell once again,” then they cried; “and +let him get out now if he can.” So they all filed off, and Orpheus was +their guide, because he had been there once before. So soon as the poets +were gone, there knocked at the gate a rich penurious chuff; but ’twas +told him that the Ten Commandments kept it, and that he had not kept +them. “It is impossible,” quoth he, “under favour, to prove that ever I +broke any one of them.” And so he went to justify himself from point to +point: he had done this and that; and he had never done that, nor +t’other; but in the end, he was delivered over to be rewarded according +to his works. And then came on a company of house-breakers and robbers, +so dexterous, some of them, that they saved themselves from the very +ladder. The scriveners and attorneys observing that, ah! thought they; +if we could but pass for thieves now! And yet they set a face good +enough upon the business too; which made Judas and Mahomet hope well of +themselves; “for,” said they, “if any of these fellows come off, there’s +no fear of us.” Whereupon they advanced boldly, with a resolution to +take their trial; which set the devils all a laughing. The guardian +angels of the scriveners and attorneys moved that the evangelists might +be of their counsel; which the devils opposed, “for,” said they, “we +shall insist only upon the matter of fact, and leave them without any +possibility of reply, or excuse. We might indeed content ourselves with +the bare proof of what they are; for ’tis crime enough that they are +scriveners and attorneys.” With that, the scriveners denied their trade, +alleging that they were secretaries; and the attorneys called themselves +solicitors. All was said, in effect, that the case would bear; but the +best part of their plea was church-membership. And in fine, after +several replications and rejoinders, they were all sent to Old Nick; save +only two or three, that found mercy. “Well,” cried one of the +scriveners, “this ’tis to keep lewd company!” The devils called out +then, to clear the bar, and said they should have occasion for the +scriveners themselves, to enter protestations in the quality of public +notaries, against lawless and disorderly people; but the poor wretches, +it seems, could not hear on that ear. To say the truth, the Christians +were much more troublesome than the pagans, which the devils took +exceeding ill; but they had this to say for themselves, that they were +christened when they were children, so that ’twas none of their fault, +and their parents must answer for’t. Judas and Mahomet took such +courage, when they saw two or three of the scriveners and attorneys saved +that they were just upon the point of challenging their clergy; but they +were prevented by the doctor I told ye of, who was set first to the bar, +in company with an apothecary and a barber, when a certain devil, with a +great bundle of evidences in his hand, informed the court that the +greatest part of the dead there present were sent thither by the doctor +then at the bar, in confederacy with his apothecary and barber, to whom +they were to acknowledge their obligation for that fair assembly. An +angel then interposing for the defendant, recommended the apothecary for +a charitable person and one that physicked the poor for nothing. “No +matter for that,” cried the devil; “for I have him in my books, and am +able to prove that he has killed more people with two little boxes than +the King of Spain has done with two thousand barrels of powder, in the +low-country wars. All his medicines are corrupted, and his compositions +hold a perfect intelligence with the plague: he has utterly unpeopled a +couple of his neighbour villages, in a matter of three weeks’ time.” The +doctor he let fly upon the ’pothecary too, and said he would maintain, +against the whole college, that his prescriptions were according to the +dispensatory; and if an apothecary would play the knave, or the fool, and +put in this for that, he could not help it. So that without any more +words the ’pothecary was put to the sommersault, and the doctor and +barber were brought off, at the intercession of St. Cosmus and St. +Damian. + +After these, came a dapper lawyer, with a tongue steeped in oil, and a +great master of his words and actions; a most exquisite flatterer, and no +man better skilled in the art of moving the passions than himself, or +more ready at bolting a lucky president at a dead lift, or at making the +best of a bad cause; for he had all the shifts and starting-holes in the +law at his fingers’ ends. But all this would not serve, for the verdict +went against him, and he was ordered to pay costs. In that instant, +there was a discovery made of a fellow that hid himself in a corner, and +looked like a spy. They asked him what he was. He made answer, “An +empiric.” “What,” said a devil, “my old friend Pontæus: Alas! alas! thou +hadst ten thousand times better be in Covent Garden now, or at Charing +Cross; for upon my word thou’t have nothing to do here, unless, perhaps, +for an ointment for a burn or so;” and so Pontæus went his way. The next +that appeared were a company of vintners, who were accused for +adulterating and mingling water with their wines. Their plea was that in +compensation they had furnished the hospitals with communion-wine that +was right, upon free cost; but this excuse signified as little as that of +the tailors there present, who suggested that they had clothed so many +friars, gratis; and so they were dispatched away together. After these, +followed a number of bankers, that had turned bankrupt to cozen their +creditors; who finding there several of their old correspondents, that +they had reduced to a morsel of bread, began to treat of composition; but +one of the devils presently cried out, “All the rest have had enough to +do to answer for themselves; but these people are to reckon for other +men’s scores as well as their own.” And hereupon, they were forthwith +sent away to Pluto with letters of exchange; but, as it happened at that +time, the devil was out of cash. + +After this, entered a Spanish cavalier, as upright as Justice itself. He +was a matter of a quarter of an hour in his legs and reverences to the +company. We could see no head he had, for his prodigious starched ruff +that stood staring up like a turkey-cock’s tail, and covered it. In +fine, it was so fantastic a figure that the porter was gaping at it a +good while, and asked if it were a man, or no? “It is a man,” quoth the +Spaniard, “upon the honour of a cavalier, and his name is Don Pedro +Rhodomontadoso,” etc. He was so long a telling his name and titles that +one of the devils burst out a laughing in the middle of his pedigree, and +demanded What he would be at. “Glory,” quoth he, which they taking in +the worse sense, for pride, sent him away immediately to Lucifer. He was +a little severe upon his guides, for disordering his mustachios, but they +helped him presently to a pair of beard-irons, and all was well again. + +In the next place, came a fellow, weeping and wailing. “But, my +masters,” says he, “my cause is never the worse for my crying, for if I +would stand upon my merits, I could tell ye that I have kept as good +company, and had as much to do with the saints as another body.” “What +have we here,” cried one, “Diocletian, or Nero?” For they had enough to +do with the saints, though ’twere but to persecute them. But upon the +upshot, what was this poor creature but a small officer, that swept the +church and dusted the images and pictures. His charge was for stealing +the oil out of the lamps and leaving all in the dark, pretending that the +owls and jackdaws had drunk it up. He had a trick too of clothing +himself out of the church habits, which he got new-dyed; and of cramming +his porridge with consecrated bread, that he stole every Sunday. What he +said for himself, I know not; but he had his mittimus, and took the +left-hand way at parting. + +With that, a voice was heard, “Make way there, clear the passage;” and +this was for a bevy of handsome, buxom Bona Roba’s, in their caps and +feathers that came dancing, laughing, and singing of ballads and +lampoons, and as merry as the day was long. But they quickly changed +their note, for so soon as ever they saw the hideous looks of the devils, +they fell into violent fits of the mother; beating their breasts, and +tearing their hair, with all the horror and fury imaginable. There was +an angel offered in their favour that they had been great frequenters of +Our Lady’s chapel. “Yes, yes,” cried a devil, “less of her chapel, and +more of her virtue, would have done well.” There was a notable whipster, +among the rest, that confessed the devil had reason. And then her trial +came on, for making a cloak of a sacrament, and only marrying, that she +might play the whore with privilege, and never want a father for her +bastards. It was her fortune alone to be condemned; and going along, +“Well!” she cried; “if I had thought ’twould have come to this, I should +ne’er have troubled myself with so many masses.” + +And now, after long waiting, came Judas and Mahomet upon the stage, and +to them Jack of Leyden. Up comes an officer and asked which of the three +was Judas. “I am he,” quoth Jack of Leyden. “Nay, but I am Judas,” +cried Mahomet. “They’re a couple of lying rascals,” says Judas himself, +“for I am the man: only the rogues make use of my name to save their +credit. ’Tis true I sold my Master once, and the world has ever since +been the better for’t; but these villains sell Him and themselves too +every hour of the day, and there follows nothing but misery and +confusion.” So they were all three packed away to their disciples. + +The angel that kept the book found that the serjeants and remembrancers +were to come on next; whereupon they were called, and appeared; but the +court was not much troubled with them, for they confessed guilty at first +word, and so were tied up without any more ado. + +The next that appeared was an astrologer, loaden with almanacks, globes, +astrolabes, etc., making proclamation as loud as he could bawl that there +must needs be a gross mistake in the reckoning, for Saturn had not +finished his course, and the world could not be yet at an end. One of +the devils that saw how he came provided, and looked upon him as his own +already: “A provident slave,” quoth he, “I warrant him, to bring his +firing along with him. But this I must needs tell ye,” says he to the +mathematician, “’tis a strange thing, ye should create so many heavens in +your life, and go to the devil for want of one after your death.” “Nay, +for going,” cried the astrologer, “ye shall excuse me; but if you’ll +carry me, well and good.” And immediately order was given to carry him +away and pay the porter. + +Hereupon, methought, the court rose, the throne vanished; the shadows and +darkness withdrew; the air sweetened; the earth was covered with flowers; +the heavens clear: and then I waked, not a little satisfied to find that +after all this, I was still in my bed, and among the living. The use I +made of my dream was this: I betook myself presently to my prayers, with +a firm resolution of changing my life, and putting my soul into such a +frame of piety and obedience, that I might attend the coming of the great +day with peace and comfort. + + * * * * * + + THE END OF THE THIRD VISION + + + + +THE FOURTH VISION OF LOVING FOOLS + + +ABOUT four o’clock, in a cold frosty morning, when it was much better +being in a warm bed, with a good bedfellow, than upon a bier in the +churchyard; as I lay advising with my pillow, tumbling and tossing a +thousand love-toys in my head, I passed from one fancy to another, till +at last I fell into a slumber; and there appeared the genius of disabuse, +laying before me all the follies, and vanities of love, and supporting +her opinions with great authorities and reasons. I was carried then +(methought I knew not how) into a fair meadow: a meadow, pleasant and +agreeable infinitely beyond the very fictions of your half-witted poets, +with all their far-fetched gilding, and enamellings (for a paper of +verses is worth nothing with them, unless they force nature for’t, and +rifle both the Indies). This delicious field was watered with two +rivulets, the one bitter, the other sweet; and yet they mingled their +streams with a pretty kind of murmur, equal perhaps to the best music in +the world. The use of these waters was (as I observed) to temper the +darts of love; for while I was upon the prospect of the place, I saw +several of Cupid’s little officers, and subjects, dipping of arrows +there, for their entertainment and ease. Upon this, I fancied myself in +one of the gardens of Cyprus, and that I saw the very hive, where the bee +lived that stung my young master, and occasioned that excellent ode which +Anacreon has written upon the subject. The next thing I cast my eye upon +was a palace in the midst of the meadow; a rare piece, as well for the +structure as design. The porches were of the Doric order, excellently +wrought; and the pedestals, bases, columns, cornices, capitals, +architraves, friezes (and in short the whole front of the fabric) was +beautified with imaginary trophies, and triumphs of love, in half relief, +which as they were intermixed with other fantastic works and conceits, +carried the face of several little histories, and gave a great ornament +to the building. Over the porch, there was in golden letters, upon black +marble, this inscription: + + This is called fools’ paradise, + From the loving fools that dwell in’t, + Where the great fools rule the less, + The rest obey, and all do well in’t. + +The finishing and materials were pleasant to admiration. The portal +spacious, the doors always open, and the house free to all comers, which +were very many; the porter’s place was supplied by a woman; exquisitely +handsome, both for face and person; tall, delicately shaped, and set off +with great advantages of dress, and jewels. She was made up, in fine, of +charms, and her name (as I understood) was Beauty. She would let any man +in to see the house for a look; and that was all I paid for my passage. +In the first court, I found a many of both sexes, but so altered in habit +and countenance, that they could scarce know one another. They were sad, +pensive; and their complexions tinted with a yellow paleness (which Ovid +calls Cupid’s livery). There was no talk of being true to friends; loyal +to superiors; and dutiful to parents: but kindred did the office of +procurers; and procurers were called cousins. Wives loved their +husbands’ she friends, and husbands did as much for them, in loving their +gallants. + +While I was upon the contemplation of these encounters of affection, +there appeared a strange extravagant figure, but in the likeness of a +human creature. It was neither perfectly man nor perfectly woman, but +had indeed a resemblance of both. This person I perceived was ever busy, +up and down, going and coming; beset all over with eyes and ears, and had +one of the craftiest distrustful looks (methought) that ever I saw. And +withal, (as I observed) no small authority in the place, which made me +inquire after this creature’s name, and office. “My name,” quoth she, +for now it proved to be a woman, “is Jealousy, and methinks, you and I +should be better acquainted, for how came you here else? However, for +your satisfaction, you are to understand that the greater part of the +distempered people you see here are of my bringing; and yet I am not +their physician, but their tormentor; and serve only to aggravate and +embitter their misfortunes. If you would know anything further of the +house, never ask me, for ’tis forty to one I shall tell you a lie; I have +not told you half the truth even of myself; and to deal plainly with you, +I am made up of inventions, artifice, and imposture: but the good old man +that walks there, is the Major Domo, and will tell you all, if you will +but bear with his slow way of discourse.” + +Thereupon I went to the good man, whom I knew presently to be Time, and +desired him to let me look into the several quarters and lodgings of the +house, for there were some fools of my acquaintance there I’d fain visit; +he told me that he was at present so busy about making of caudles, +cock-broths, and jellies for his patients, that he could not stir; but +yet he directed me where I might find all those I inquired for, and gave +me the freedom of the house to walk at pleasure. + +I passed out of the first court, into the maids’ quarter, which was the +very strongest part of the whole building; and so’t had need; for divers +of the young wenches were so extravagant and furious, that no other place +would have held them. (The wives and widows were in another room apart.) +Here ye should have one, sobbing and raging with jealousy of a rival. +There another, stark mad for a husband, and inwardly bleeding because she +durst not discover it. A third was writing of letters all riddle and +mystery, mending and marring, till at last the paper had more blots than +whole words in it. Some were practising in the glass the gracious smile, +the roll of the eye, the velvet lip, etc. Others again were in a diet of +oatmeal, clay, chalk, coal, hard wax, and the like. Some were +conditioning with their servants for a ball, or a serenade, that the +whole town might ring of the address. “Yes, yes,” they cried, “you can +go to the park with this lady, and to a play with that lady, and to +Banstead with t’other lady, and spend whole nights at beste or ombre with +my Lady Pen-Tweezel; but by my troth, I think you are ashamed to be seen +in my company.” Some I saw upon the very point of sealing and +delivering. “I am thine,” cries one, “and thine alone, or let all the +devils in hell, etc. But be sure you be constant.” “If I be not,” says +he, “let my soul,” etc., and the silly jade believes him. In one corner +ye should have them praying for husbands, that they might the better love +at random; in another, nothing would please them but to be married men’s +wives, and this disease was looked upon as a little desperate. Some +again stood ready furnished with love letters and tickets to be cast out +at the window, or thrust under the door, and these were looked upon not +only as fools but beasts. + +I had seen as much already as I desired, for I had learned of old that he +that keeps such company seldom comes off without a scratched face; but if +he misses a mistress, he gets a wife, and stands condemned to a +repentance during life, without redemption, unless one of the two dies. +For women in the case are worse than pirates; a galley-slave may compound +for his freedom, but there’s no thought of ransom in case of wedlock. I +had a good mind to a little chat with some of them, but (thought I) +they’ll fancy I’m in love with them. And so I e’en marched off into the +married quarter, where there was such ranting, damning, and tearing, as +if hell had been broke loose. And what was all this? but a number of +women that had been locked up and shackled by their husbands, to keep +them in obedience, and had now broken their prisons, and their chains, +and were grown ten times madder than before. Some I saw caressing and +coaxing their husbands, in the very moment they designed to betray them. +Others were picking their husbands’ pockets to pay now and then for a +by-blow. Some again were upon a religious point, and all upon the humour +(forsooth) of pilgrimages and lectures; when alas! they had no other +business with the altars or churches than a sacrifice to Venus, or a love +meeting. Divers there were that went to the bath; but bathing was the +least part of their errand. Others to confession, that mistook their +martyr for their confessor: some to be revenged of jealous husbands were +resolving to do the thing they feared, and pay them in their own coin. +Others were for making sure aforehand by way of advance; for that’s the +revenge, they say, that’s as sweet as muscadine and eggs. One was +melancholy for a delay; another for a defeat; a third is preparing to +make her market at a play. There was one among the rest was never out of +her coach; and asking her the reason, she told me, she loved to be +jolted. In this crowd of women, you must know that there were no wives +of ambassadors, soldiers, or merchants that were abroad upon commission; +for such were considered in effect as single women, and not allowed as +members of this commonwealth. + +The next quarter was that of the grave and wise, the right reverend +widows, women in appearance of marvellous severity and reserve, and yet +every one of them had her weak side, and ye might read her folly and +distemper through her disguise. One of them I saw crying with one eye +for the loss of one husband, and laughing with t’other upon him that was +to come next. Another, with the Ephesian matron, was solacing herself +with her gallant before her husband was thorough cold in the mouth, +considering, that he that died half an hour ago is as dead as William the +Conqueror. There were several others passing to and again, quite out of +their mourning, that looked so demurely (I warrant ye) as if butter would +not have melted in their mouths, and yet apostate widows (as I was told) +and there they were kept as strictly, as if they had been in the Spanish +Inquisition. Some were laying wagers whose mourning was most _à la +mode_, and best made, or whose peak or veil became her best, and setting +themselves off with a thousand tricks of ornament and dress. The widows +I observed that were marching off, with the mark out of their mouths, +were hugely concerned to be thought young, and still talking of masks, +balls, fiddles, treats; chanting and jigging to every tune they heard, +and all upon the hoity-toity like mad wenches of fifteen. The younger, +on the other side, made use of their time and took pleasure while ’twas +to be had. There were too of the religious strain; a people much at +their beads, and in private; and these were there in the quality of love +heretics, or platonics, and under the penance of perpetual abstinence +from the flesh they loved best (which is the most mortifying Lent of all +other). Some, that had skill in perspective, were before the glass with +their boxes of patch and paint about them; shadowing, drawing out, +refreshing, and in short, covering and palliating, all the imperfections +of feature and complexion, every one after her own humour. Now these +women were absolutely insufferable, for they were most of them old and +headstrong, having got the better of their husbands, so that they would +be taking upon them to domineer here, as they had done at home; and +indeed, they found the master of the college enough to do. + +When I had tired myself with this variety of folly and madness, I went to +the devotees, where I found a great many women and girls that had +cloistered up themselves from the conversation of the world; and yet were +not a jot soberer than their fellows. These one would have thought might +have been easily cured, but many of them were in for their lives, in +despite of either counsel or physic. The room where they were was +barricaded with strong bars of iron; and yet when the toy took them, +they’d make now and then a sally; for when the fit was upon them, they’d +own no superior but love, come what would on’t in the event. The greater +part of these good people were writing of tickets and dispatches, which +had still the sign of the cross at the top, and Satan at the bottom, +concluding with this, or some such postscript: I commend this paper to +your discretion. The fools of this province would be twattling night and +day; and if it happened that any one of them had talked herself a-weary +(which was very rare), she would presently take upon her very gravely to +admonish the rest, and read a lecture of silence to the company. There +were some that for want of better entertainment fell in love with one +another; but these were looked upon as a sort of fops and ninnies, and +therefore the more favourably used; but they’d have been of another mind, +if they had known the cause of their distemper. + +The root of all these several extravagances was idleness, which +(according to Petrarch’s observation) never fails to make way for +wantonness. There was one among the rest that had more letters of +exchange upon the credit of her insatiable desires than a whole regiment +of bankers. Some of them were sick of their old visitor, and called for +a freshman. Others, by intervals, I perceived, had their wits about +them, and contented themselves discreetly with the physician of the +house. In short, it e’en pitied my heart to see so many poor people in +so sad a condition and without any hope of relief, as I gathered from him +that had them in care; for they were still puddering and royling their +bodies; and if they got a little ease for the present, they’d be down +again as soon as they had taken their medicine. + +From thence I went to the single women (such as made profession never to +marry) which were the least outrageous and discomposed of all; for they +had a thousand ways to lay the devil as well as to raise him. Some of +them lived like common highwaymen, by robbing Peter to pay Paul; and +stripping honest men to clothe rascals, which is (under favour) but a +lewd kind of charity. Others there were, that were absolutely out of +their seven senses, and as mad as March hares for this wit and t’other +poet, that never failed to pay them again in rhymes and madrigals, with +ruby lips, pearly teeth, so that to read their verses, a man would swear +the whole woman to be directly petrified. + + Of sapphire fair, or crystal clear, + Is the forehead of my dear, etc. + +I saw one in consultation with a cunning man to know her fortune; +another, dealing with a conjurer for a philter, or drink to make her +beloved. A third was daubing and patching up an old ruined face, to make +it fresh and young again; but she might as well have been washing of a +blackamoor to make him white. In fine, a world there were, that with +their borrowed hair, teeth, eyes, eyebrows, looked like fine folks at a +distance, but would have been left as ridiculous as Æsop’s crow, if every +bird had fetched away his own feather. ’Deliver me (thought I, smiling +and shaking my head) if this be woman. + +And so I stepped into the men’s quarter, which was but next door, and +only a thick wall between. Their great misery was that they were deaf to +good advice, obstinately hating and despising both physic and physician; +for if they would have either quitted or changed, they might have been +cured. But they chose rather to die, and though they saw their error, +would not mend it. Which minded me of the old rhyme: + + Where love’s in the case, + The doctor’s an ass. + +These fools-male were all in the same chamber; and one might perfectly +read their humour and distemper in their looks and gestures. Oh! how +many a gay lad did I see there in his point band and embroidered vest +that had not a whole shirt to his back! How many huffs and highboys that +had nothing else in their mouths but the lives and fortunes they’d spend +in their sweet ladies’ service! that would yet have run five miles on +your errand, to have been treated but at a threepenny ordinary? How many +a poor devil that wanted bread, and was yet troubled with the rebellion +of the flesh! Some there were that spent much time in setting their +perukes, ordering the mustache, and dressing up the very face of Lucifer +himself for a beauty: the woman’s privilege, and in truth an +encroachment, to their prejudice. There were others that made it their +glory to pass for Hectors, sons of Priam, brothers of the blade; and +talked of nothing but attacks, combats, reverses, stramazons, stoccados; +not considering that a naked weapon is present death to a timorous woman. +Some were taking the round of their ladies’ lodgings, at midnight, and +went to bed again as wise as they rose. Others fell in love by contagion +and merely conversing with the infected. Some again went post from +church to chapel, every holy day, to hunt for a mistress; and so turned a +day of rest into a day of labour. Ye might see others skipping +continually from house to house, like the knight upon a chess-board, +without ever catching the (queen or) dame. Some, like crafty beggars, +made their case worse than ’twas: and others, though ’twere ne’er so bad, +durst not so much as open their mouths. Really it grieved me for the +poor mutes, and I wished with all my heart their mistresses had been +witches, that they might have known their meaning by their mumping; but +they were lost to all counsel, so that there was no advising them. There +was another sort of elevated, and conceited lovers; and these forsooth +were not to be satisfied without the seven liberal sciences, and the four +cardinal virtues, in the shape of a woman; and their case was desperate. +The next I observed were a generation of modest fools, that passed under +the notion of people diffident of themselves. They were generally men of +good understanding, but for the most part younger brothers, of low +fortunes, and such as for want of wherewithal to go to the price of +higher amours, were fain to take up with ordinary stuff, that brought +them nothing in the end, but beggary and repentance. The husbands, I +perceived, were horribly furious, although in manacles and shackles. +Some of them left their own wives, and fell upon their neighbours’. +Others, to keep the good women in awe and obedience, would be taking upon +them, and playing the tyrants, but upon the upshot they found their +mistake, and that though they came on as fierce as lions, they went off +as tame as muttons. Some were making friendships with their wives’ +she-cousins, and agreeing upon a cross-gossiping whoever should have the +first child. + +The widowers, that had bit of the bridle, passed from place to place, +where they stayed more or less, according to their entertainment, and so +were in effect, as good as married; for as long, or as little a while as +themselves pleased. These lived single, and spent their time in +visiting, first one friend, then another. Here they fell in love; there +they kindled a jealousy, which they contracted themselves in one place, +and cured it in another. But the miracle was, that they all knew, and +confessed themselves a company of mad fools, and yet continued so. Those +that had skill in music, and could either sing or fiddle, made use of +their gifts, to put the silly wenches that were but half moped before, +directly out of their wits. They that were poetical were perpetually +hammering upon the subjects of cruelty and disappointment. One tells his +good fortune to another, that requites him with the story of his bad. +They that had set their hearts upon girls were beating the streets all +day, to find what avenues to a lady’s lodgings at night. Some were +tampering and caressing the chamber-maid, as the ready way to the +mistress. Others chose rather to put it to the push, and attempt the +lady herself. Some were examining their pockets and taking a view of +their furniture, which consisted much in love-letters, delicately sealed +up with perfumed wax, upon raw silk; and a thousand pretty devices +within; all wrapt up in riddle, and cipher. Abundance of hair bracelets, +lockets, pomanders, knots of riband, and the like. There were others, +that were called the husband’s friends, who were ready upon all occasions +to do this, and to do that kindness for the husband. Their purse, +credit, coach and horses, were all at his service; and in the meantime, +who but they to gallant the wife? To the park, the gardens, a treat, or +a comedy, where forty to one, by the greatest good luck in the world, +they stumble upon an aunt, an old housekeeper of the family, or some such +reverend goer-between that’s a well-willer to the mathematics; she takes +the hint, performs the good office, and the work is done. + +Now there were two sorts of fools for the widows: the one was beloved, +and the other not. The latter were content to be a kind of voluntary +slaves, for the compassing their ends; but the other were the happier, +for they were ever at perfect liberty to do their pleasure, unless some +friend or child of the house perchance came in, in the mischievous nick, +and then in case of a little colour more than ordinary, or a tumbled +handkercher: ’twas but changing the scene, and struggling for a paper of +verses, or some such business to keep all in countenance. Some made +their assaults both with love and money, and they seldom failed, for they +came doubly armed; and your Spanish pistols are a sort of battery hardly +to be resisted. + +I came now to reflect upon what I had seen, and as I was walking (in that +meditation) toward another lodging, I found myself (ere I was aware) in +the first court again; where I entered, and in it I observed new wonders: +I saw that the number of the mad fools increased every moment; although +time (I perceived) did all that was possible to recover them. There was +Jealousy tormenting even those that were most confident of the faith of +what they loved. There was Memory rubbing of old sores. There was +Understanding, locked up in a dark cellar; and Reason with both her eyes +out. I made a little pause, the better to observe these varieties and +disguises. And when I had looked myself a-weary, I turned about and +spied a door; but so narrow that it was hardly passable; and yet strait +as it was, divers there were that ingratitude and infidelity had set at +liberty, and made a shift to get through. Upon which opportunity of +returning, I made what haste I could to be one of the first at the door, +and in that instant, my man drew the curtain of my bed, and told me the +morning was far spent. Whereupon I waked, and recollecting myself, found +all was but a dream. The very fancy however of having spent so much time +in the company of fools and madmen, gave me some disorder, but with this +comfort, that both sleeping and waking, I had experimented passionate +love to be nothing else than a mere frenzy and folly. + + * * * * * + + THE END OF THE FOURTH VISION + + + + +THE FIFTH VISION OF THE WORLD + + +IT is utterly impossible for anything in this world to fix our appetites +and desires; but they are still flitting, and restless like pilgrims; +delighted and nourished with variety: which shows how much we are +mistaken in the value and quality of the things we covet. And hence it +is, that what we pursue with the greatest delight and passion imaginable, +yields us nothing but satiety and repentance in the possession; yet such +is the power of these appetites of ours that when they call and command, +we follow and obey; though we find in the end that what we took for a +beauty, upon the chase proves but a carcass in the quarry; and we are +sick on’t as soon as we have it. Now the world, that knows our palate +and inclination, never fails to feed the humour, and to flatter and +entertain us with all sorts of change and novelty, as the most certain +method of gaining upon our affections. + +One would have thought that these considerations might have put sober +thoughts and resolutions in my head, but it was my fate to be taken off, +in the very middle of my morality and speculations, and carried away from +myself by vanity and weakness into the wide world, where I was for a +certain time, not much unsatisfied with my condition. As I passed from +one place to another, several that saw me (I perceived) did but make +sport with me: for the further I went, the more I was at a loss in that +labyrinth of delusions. One while I was in with the sword-men and +bravoes; up to the ears in challenges, and quarrels; and never without an +arm in a scarf, or a broken head. Another fit; I was never well, but at +the Fleece Tavern, or Bear at bridge-foot, stuffing my guts with food and +tipple, till the hoops were ready to burst. Beside twenty other +entertainments that I found, every jot as extravagant as these, which to +my great trouble and admiration left me not so much as one moment of +repose. + +As I was in one of my unquiet and pensive moods, somebody called after +me, and plucked me by the cloak, which proved to be a person of a +venerable age; his clothes miserably poor and tattered; and his face, +just as if he had been trampled upon in the streets, which did not yet +hinder but that he had still the air and appearance of one that deserved +much honour and respect. “Good father,” said I to him, “why should you +envy me my enjoyments? Pray’e let me alone, and do not trouble yourself +with me or my doings. You’re past the pleasure of life yourself, and +can’t endure to see other people merry, that have the world before them. +Consider of it; you are now upon the point of leaving the world, and I am +but newly come into’t, but ’tis the trick of all old men to be carping at +the actions of their juniors.” “Son,” said the old man, smiling, “I +shall neither hinder nor envy thy delights, but in pure pity I would fain +reclaim thee. Dost thou know the price of a day an hour or a minute? +Didst ever examine the value of time? If thou hadst, thou wouldst employ +it better; and not cast away so many blessed opportunities upon trifles; +and so easily, and insensibly, part with so inestimable a treasure. +What’s become of thy past hours? have they made thee a promise to come +back again at a call, when thou hast need of them? Or, canst thou show +me which way they went? No, no; they are gone without recovery; and in +their flight, methinks, Time seems to turn his head, and laugh over his +shoulder in derision of those that made no better use of him, when they +had him. Dost thou not know that all the minutes of our life are but as +so many links of a chain that has death at the end on’t? and every moment +brings thee nearer thy expected end, which perchance, while the word is +speaking, may be at thy very door; and doubtless at thy rate of living, +it will be upon thee before thou art aware. How stupid is he that dies +while he lives, for fear of dying! How wicked is he that lives, as if he +should never die; and only fears death when he comes to feel it! which is +too late for comfort, either to body or soul: and he is certainly none of +the wisest that spends all his days in lewdness and debauchery, without +considering that of his whole life any minute might have been his last.” + +“My good father,” said I, “I am beholding to you for your excellent +discourses, for they have delivered me out of the power of a thousand +frivolous and vain affections, that had taken possession of me. But who +are you, I pray’ee? And what is your business here?” “My poverty and +these rags,” quoth he, “are enough to tell ye that I am an honest man, a +friend to truth, and one that will not be mealy-mouthed, when he may +speak it to purpose. Some call me the plain-dealer; others, the +undeceiver-general. You see me all in tatters, wounds, scars, bruises. +And what is all this but the requital the world gives me for my good +counsel and kind visits? And yet after all this endeavour to get shut of +me they call themselves my friends, though they curse me to the pit of +hell, as soon as ever I come near them; and had rather be hanged than +spend one quarter of an hour in my company. If thou hast a mind to see +the world I talk of, come along with me, and I’ll carry thee into a place +where thou shalt have a full prospect of it, and without any +inconvenience see all that’s in’t, or in the people that dwell in’t, and +look it through and through.” “What’s the name of this place?” quoth I. +“It is called,” said he, “the Hypocrites’ Walk; and it crosses the world +from one Pole to th’ other. It is large, and populous; for I believe +there’s not any man alive but has either a house or a chamber in’t. Some +live in’t for altogether; others take it only in passage: for there are +hypocrites of several sorts; but all mortals have, more or less, a tang +of the leaven. That fellow there in the corner came but t’other day from +the plow tail, and would now fain be a gentleman. But had not he better +pay his debts, and walk alone, than break his promises to keep a lackey? +There’s another rascal that would fain be a lord, and would venture a +voyage to Venice for the title, but that he’s better at building castles +in the air than upon the water. In the meantime he puts on a nobleman’s +face and garb; he swears and drinks like a lord, and keeps his hounds and +whores, which ’tis feared in the end will devour their master. Mark now +that piece of gravity and form; he walks, ye see, as if he moved by +clock-work; his words are few and low; he makes all his answers by a +shrug or a nod. This is the hypocrite of a Minister of State, who with +all his counterfeit of wisdom is one of the veriest noddies in nature. + +“Face about now, and mind those decrepit sots there that can scarce lift +a leg over a threshold, and yet they must be dyeing their hair, colouring +their beards, and playing the young fools again, with a thousand +hobby-horse tricks and antique dresses. On the other side, ye have a +company of silly boys taking upon them to govern the world, under a visor +of wisdom and experience.” “What lord is that,” said I, “in the rich +clothes there, and the fine laces?” “That lord,” quoth he, “is a tailor, +in his holiday clothes; and if he were now upon his shop-board, his own +scissors and needles would hardly know him: and you must understand that +hypocrisy is so epidemical a disease that it has laid hold of the trades +themselves as well as the masters. The cobbler must be saluted Mr. +Translator. The groom names himself gentleman of the horse; the fellow +that carries guts to the bears, writes, one of His Majesty’s officers. +The hangman calls himself a minister of justice. The mountebank, an able +man. A common whore passes for a courtesan. The bawd acts the Puritan. +Gaming ordinaries are called academies; and bawdy-houses, places of +entertainment. The page styles himself the child of honour; and the +foot-boy calls himself my lady’s page. And every pick-thank names +himself a courtier. The cuckold-maker passes for a fine gentleman; and +the cuckold himself, for the best-natured husband in the world: and a +very ass commences master-doctor. Hocus-pocus tricks are called +sleight-of-hand; lust, friendship; usury, thrift; cheating is but +gallantry; lying wears the name of invention; malice goes for quickness +of apprehension; cowardice, meekness of nature; and rashness carries the +countenance of valour. In fine, this is all but hypocrisy, and knavery +in a disguise, for nothing is called by the right name. Now there are +beside these, certain general appellations taken up, which by long usage +are almost grown into prescription. Every little whore takes upon her to +be a great lady; every gown-man, to be a councillor; every huff to be a +_soldat_; every gay thing to be a cavalier; every parish-clerk to be a +doctor; and every writing-clerk in the office must be called Mr. +Secretary. + +“So that the whole world, take it where you will, is but a mere juggle; +and you will find that wrath, gluttony, pride, avarice, luxury, murder, +and a thousand other heinous sins, have all of them hypocrisy for their +source, and thither they’ll return again.” “It would be well,” said I, +“if you could prove what you say; but I can hardly see how so great a +diversity of waters should proceed from one and the same fountain.” “I +do not wonder,” quoth he, “at your distrust, for you are mistaken in very +good company; to fancy a contrariety in many things, which are, in +effect, so much alike. It is agreed upon, both by philosophers and +divines, that all sins are evil; and you must allow, that the will +embraces or pursues no evil but under the resemblance of good; nor does +the sin lie in the representation, or knowledge of what is evil, but in +the consent to it. Which consent itself is sinful, although without any +subsequent act: it’s true, the execution serves afterward for an +aggravation, and ought to be considered under many differences and +distinctions. But in fine, evident it is that the will entertains no +ill, but under the shape of some good. What do ye think now of the +hypocrite that cuts your throat in his arms, and murders you, under +pretence of kindness? ‘What is the hope of an hypocrite?’ says Job. He +neither has nor can have any: for he is wicked as he is an hypocrite; and +even his best actions are worth nothing, because they are not what they +seem to be. So that of all sinners he has the most to answer for. Other +offenders sin only against God. But the hypocrite sins with Him, as well +as against Him, making use of His holy Name as a cloak and countenance +for his wickedness. For which reason, our blessed Saviour, after many +affirmative precepts delivered to His disciples for their instruction, +gave only this negative: ‘Be not sad as the hypocrites,’ which lays them +open in few words; and He might as well have said ‘Be not hypocrites, and +ye shall not be wicked.’” + +We were now come to the place the old man told me of, where I found all +according to my expectation, and took the higher ground, that I might +have the better prospect of what passed. The first remarkable thing I +saw was a long funeral train of kindred and guests, following the corpse +of a deceased lady, in company with the disconsolate widower, who marched +with his chin upon his breast, a sad and a heavy pace, muffled up in a +mourning hood, enough to have stifled him, with at least ten yards of +cloth upon his body, and no less in his train. “Alack, alack!” cried I, +“that ever I should live to see so dismal a spectacle! Oh blessed woman! +How did this husband love thee in thy lifetime, that follows thee with +this infinite faith and affection, even to thy grave! And happy the +husband, doubtless, in a wife that deserved this kindness! and in so many +tender friends and relations, to take part with him in his sorrows. My +good father, let me entreat you to observe this doleful encounter.” With +that (shaking his head and smiling) “My son,” quoth he, “thou shalt by +and by perceive that all is nothing in the world but vanity, imposture, +and constraint; and I will shew thee the difference between things +themselves, and their appearances. To see this abundance of torches, +with the magnificence of the ceremony and attendance, one would think +there should be some mighty matter in the business; but let me assure +thee that all this pudder comes to no more than much ado about nothing. +The woman was nothing (effectually) even while she lived: the body now in +the coffin is somewhat a less nothing: and the funeral honours, which are +now paid her come to just nothing too. But the dead it seems must have +their vanities, and their holidays as well as the living. Alas! what’s a +carcass but the most odious sort of putrefaction? A corrupted earth, fit +neither for fruit nor tillage. And then for the sad looks of the +mourners: they are only troubled at the invitation; and would not care a +pin, if the inviter and body too were both at the devil. And that you +might see by their behaviour, and discourses; for when they should have +been praying for the dead, they were prating of her pedigree, and her +last will and testament. ‘I’m not so near akin,’ says one, ‘but I might +have been spared; and I had twenty other things to do.’ Another should +have met company at a tavern; a third, at a play. A fourth mutters that +he is not placed according to his quality. Another cries out, ‘A pox o’ +your meetings where there is nothing stirring but worms’ meat.’ Let me +tell ye further, that the widower himself is not grieved as you imagine +for the dead wife; but for the damned expense in blacks, and scutcheons, +tapers, and mourners; and that she was not fairly laid to rest, without +all this ado: for he persuades himself, that she might have found the way +to her grave without a candle. And since she was to die, ’tis his +opinion, that she should have made quicker work on’t: for a good wife is +(like a good Christian) to put her conscience in order betimes, and get +her gone; without lingering in the hands of doctors, ’pothecaries, and +surgeons, to murder her husband too. Or (to save charges) she might have +had the discretion to have died of the plague, which would have staved +off company. This is the second wife he has already turned over, and (to +give the man his due) he has had the wit to secure himself of a third, +while this lay on her deathbed. So that his case is no more than +chopping of a cold wife for a warm one, and he’ll recover this +affliction, I warrant ye.” + +The good man, methought, spoke wonders; and being thoroughly convinced of +the danger of trusting to appearances, I took up a resolution, never to +conclude upon anything, though never so plausible, without due +examination and inquiry. With that, the funeral vanished, leaving us +behind; and for a farewell, this sentence: “I am gone before, you are to +follow; and in the meantime, to accompany others to their graves, as you +have done me; and as I, when time was, have attended many others, with as +little care and devotion as yourselves.” + +We were taken off from this meditation by a noise we heard in a house +behind us, where we had no sooner set foot over the threshold, but we +were entertained with a concert of six voices, that were set and tuned to +the sighs and groans of a woman newly become a widow. The passion was +acted to the life; but the dead little the better for’t. They would be +ever and anon clapping and wringing of their hands; groaning and sighing, +as if their hearts would break. The hangings, pictures, and furniture +were all taken down and removed; the rooms hung with black, and in one of +them lay the poor disconsolate upon a couch with her condoling friends +about her. It was as dark as pitch, and so much the better, for the +parts they had to play; for there was no discovering of the horrid faces +and strains they made, to fetch up their artificial tears and +lamentations. “Madam,” says one, “tears are but thrown away; and really +the grief to see your ladyship in this condition has made me as lost a +woman to all thought of comfort as yourself.” “I beseech you, madam, +cheer up,” cries another, with almost as many sighs as words, “your +husband’s e’en happy that he is out of this miserable world. He was a +good man, and now he finds the sweet on’t.” “Patience, patience, dear +madam,” cries a third, “’tis the will of Heaven, and there’s no +contending.” “Dost talk of patience,” says she, “and no contending? +Wretched creature that I am! to outlive that dear man! Oh that dear +husband of mine! Oh that I should ever live to see this day!” And then +she fell to blubbering, sobbing, and raving a thousand times worse than +before. “Alas, alas, who will trouble himself with a poor widow! I have +never a friend left to look after me; what shall become of me!” + +At this pause came in the chorus with their nose-instruments; and there +was such blowing, snobbing, snivelling, and throwing snot about, that +there was no enduring the house. And all this, you must know, served +them to a double purpose; that is to say, for physic and for complement: +for it passed for the condoling office, and purged their heads of ill +humours all under one. I could not choose but compassionate the poor +widow, a creature forsaken of all the world; and I told my guide as much; +and that a charity (as I thought) would be well bestowed upon her. The +Holy Writ calls them mutes, according to the import of the Hebrew: in +regard that they have nobody to speak for them. And if at any time they +take heart to speak for themselves, they had e’en as good hold their +tongues, for nobody minds them. Is there anything more frequently given +in charge throughout the whole Bible, than to protect the fatherless, and +defend the cause of the widow? as the highest and most necessary point of +Christian charity: in regard that they have neither power, nor right to +defend themselves. Does not Job in the depth of his misery and disgraces +make choice to clear himself toward the widow, upon his expostulations +with the Almighty? [If I have caused the eyes of the widow to fail] (or +consumed the eyes of the widow; after the Hebrew) so that it seems to me, +beside the general duty of charity, we are also bound by the laws of +honour and generosity to assist them: for the poor souls are fain to +plead with their eyes, and beg with their eyes, for want of either hands +or tongues to help themselves. “Indeed you must pardon me my good +father,” said I, “if I cannot hold any longer from bearing a part in this +mournful concert, upon this sad occasion.” “And is this,” quoth the old +man, “the fruit of your boasted divinity? to sink into weakness and +tears, when you have the greatest need of your resolution and prudence. +Have but a little patience, and I’ll unfold you this mystery; though (let +me tell ye) ’tis one of the hardest things in nature, to make any man as +wise as he should be, that conceits himself wise enough already. If this +accident of the widow had not happened, we had had none of the fine +things that have been started upon’t: for ’tis occasion that awakens both +our virtue and philosophy; and ’tis not enough to know the mine where the +treasure lies, unless a man has the skill of drawing it out, and making +the best of what he has in his possession. What are you the better for +all the advantages of wit and learning, without the faculty of reducing +what you know into apt and proper applications? + +“Observe me now, and I will show you that this widow that looks as if she +had nothing in her mouth but the service for the dead, and only +hallelujahs in her soul, that this mortified piece of formality has green +thoughts under her black veil, and brisk imaginations about her, in +despite of her calamity and misfortune. The chamber you see is dark; and +their faces are muffled up in their funeral dresses. And what of all +this? when the whole course of their mourning is but a thorough cheat. +Their weeping signifies nothing more, than crying, at so much an hour; +for their tears are hackneyed out, and when they have wept out their +stage, they take up, and are quiet. If you would relieve them, leave +them to themselves; and as soon as your back is turned, you shall have +them singing and dancing, and as merry as Greeks: for take away the +spectators, their hypocrisy is at an end, and the play is done; and now +the confidents’ game begins. ‘Come, come, madam, ’faith we must be +merry’ cries one, ‘we are to live by the living, and not by the dead. +For a bonny young widow as you are, to lie whimpering away your +opportunities and lose so many brave matches! There’s, you know who, I +dare swear, has a month’s mind to you; by my troth I would you were in +bed together, and I’d be hanged, if you did not find one warm bedfellow +worth twenty cold ones.’ ‘Really, madam,’ cries a second, ‘she gives you +good counsel; and if I were in your place, I’d follow it, and make use of +my time. ’Tis but one lost, and ten found. Pray’e tell me, madam, if I +may be so bold; what’s your opinion of that cavalier that was here +yesterday? Certainly he has a great deal of wit; and methinks he’s a +very handsome proper gentleman. Well! if that man has not a strange +passion for you, I’ll never believe my eyes again for his sake; and, in +good faith, if all parties were agreed, I would you were e’en well in his +arms the night before to-morrow. Were it not a burning shame to let such +a beauty lie fallow?’ This sets the widow a-pinking, and simpering like +a furmety-kettle; at length she makes up the pretty little mouth, and +says, ‘’Tis somewhat of the soonest to talk of those affairs; but let it +be as Heaven pleases. However, madam, I am much beholden to you for your +friendly advice.’ You have here the very bottom of her sorrow: she has +taken a second husband into her heart before her first was in his grave. +I should have told you that your right widow eats and drinks more the +first day of her widowhood than in any other of her whole life: for there +appears not a visitant, but presently out comes the groaning cake, a cold +baked meat, or some restorative morsel or other, to comfort the +afflicted; and the cordial bottle must not be forgotten neither, for +sorrow’s dry. So to’t they fall, and at every bit or gulp, the lady +relict fetches ye up a heavy sigh, pretends to chew false, and makes +protestation that for her part she can taste nothing; she has quite lost +her digestion; and has such an oppression in her stomach that she dares +not eat any more, for fear of over-charging nature. ‘And in truth,’ says +she, ‘how can it be otherwise; since (unhappy creature that I am!) he is +gone that gave the relish to all my enjoyments; but there is no recalling +him from the grave, and so, no remedy but patience.’ By this time, you +see,” quoth the old man, “whether your exclamations were reasonable, or +no.” + +The words were hardly out of his mouth, when hearing an uproar among the +rabble in the street, we looked out to see what was the matter. And +there we saw a catchpole, without either hat or band, out of breath, and +his face all bloody, crying out, “Help, help, in the king’s name! stop +thief, stop thief!” and all the while, running as hard as he could drive, +after a thief that made away from him, as if the devil had been at his +breech. After him, came an attorney, all dirty, a world of papers in his +hand, an inkhorn at his girdle, and a crowd of nasty people about him; +and down he sat himself just before us, to write somewhat upon his knee. +Bless me (thought I) how a cause prospers in the hand of one of these +fellows, for he had filled his paper in a trice. “These catchpoles,” +said I, “had need to be well paid, for the hazards they run to secure us +in our lives and fortunes; and indeed they deserve it. Look how the poor +wretch is torn, bruised, and battered, and all this for the good and +benefit of the public.” + +“Soft and fair,” quoth the old man; “I think thou wouldst never leave +talking, if I did not stop thy mouth sometime. You must know, that he +that made the escape and the catchpole are a couple of ancient friends +and pot-companions. Now the catchpole quarrels the thief for not giving +him a snip in the last booty; and the thief, after a great struggle, and +a good lusty rubber at cuffs, has made a shift to save himself. You’ll +say the rogue had need of good heels, to outrun this gallows-beagle; for +there’s hardly any beast will outstrip a bailiff that runs upon the view +of a quarry. So that there’s not the least thought of a public good in +the catchpole’s action; but merely a prosecution of his own profit, and a +spite to see himself choused. Now if the catchpole, I confess, without +any private interest had made this attempt upon the thief, (being his +friend) to bring him to justice, it had been well; and yet, take this +along with you: it is as natural to let slip a serjeant at a pickpocket +as a greyhound at a hare. The whip, the pillory, the axe, and the halter +make up the best part of the catchpole’s revenue. These people are of +all sorts the most odious to the world; and if men in revenge would +resolve to be virtuous, though but for a year or two, they might starve +them all. It is in fine an unlucky employment, and catchpoles as well as +the devils themselves have the wages of tormentors.” + +“I hope,” said I to my guide, “that the attorneys shall have your good +word too.” “Yes, yes, ye need not doubt it,” said the old man, “for your +attorney and your catchpole always hunt in couples. The attorney draws +the information, and has all his forms ready, so that ’tis no more then +but to fill up the blanks, and away to the jail with the delinquent; if +there be anything to be gotten ’tis not a halfpenny matter, whether the +party be guilty or innocent: give but an attorney pen, ink, and paper, +and let him alone for witnesses. In case of an examination, he has the +grace not to insist too much upon plain and naked truth; but to set down +only what makes for his purpose, and then when they come to signing, to +read over in the deponent’s sense (for his memory is good) what he has +written in his own; and by this means, the cause goes on as he pleases. +To prevent this villainy, it were well, if the examiners were as well +sworn to write the truth as the witnesses are to speak it. And yet there +are some honest men of all sorts but among the attorneys; the very +calling does by the honest catchpoles, marshal’s men, and their fellows, +as the sea by the dead: it may entertain them for a while, but in a very +short space it spews them up again.” + +The good man would have proceeded, if he had not been taken off by the +rattling of a gilt coach, wherein was a courtier that was blown up as big +as pride and vanity could make him. He sat stiff and upright, as if he +had swallowed a stake; and made it his glory to show himself in that +posture: it would have hurt his eyes, to have exchanged a glance with +anything that was vulgar, and therefore he was very sparing of his looks. +He had a deep laced ruff on, that was right Spanish, which he wore erect, +and stiff starched, that a man would have thought he had carried his head +in a paper-lanthorn. He was a great studier of set faces, and much +affected with looking politic and big. But, for his arms and body, he +had utterly lost or forgotten the use of them: for he could neither bow +nor move his hat to any man that saluted him; no, nor so much as turn +from one side to the other; but sat as if he had been boxed up, like a +Bartlemew-baby. After this magnificent statue, followed a swarm of gaudy +butterfly-lackeys: and his lordship’s company in the coach was a buffoon +and a parasite. “Oh blessed prince!” said I, “to live at this rate of +ease and splendour, and to have the world at will! What a glorious train +is that! Beyond all doubt, there never was a great fortune better +bestowed.” With that, the old man took me up, and told me that the +judgment I had made upon this occasion, from one end to the other, was +all dotage and mistake; save only, when I said he had the world at will: +“and in that,” says he, “you have reason; for what is the world but +labour, vanity, and folly; which is likewise the composition and +entertainment of this cavalier. + +“As for the train that follows him let it be examined, and my life for +yours, you shall find more creditors in’t, than servants: there are +bankers, jewellers, scriveners, brokers, mercers, drapers, tailors, +vintners; and these are properly the stays and supporters of this +animated machine. The money, meat, drink, robes, liveries, wages, all +comes out of their pockets; they have this honour for their security; and +must content themselves with promises, and fair words for full +satisfaction, unless they had rather have a footman with a cudgel for +their pay-master. And after all, if this gallant were taken to shrift, +or that a man could enter into the secrets of his conscience, I dare +undertake, it would appear that he that digs in a mine for his bread +lives ten thousand times more at ease than the other, with beating of his +brains night and day for new shifts, tricks and projects to keep himself +above water. + +“Observe his companions now, his fool and his flatterer. They are too +hard for him, ye see; and eat, drink, and make merry at his expense. +What greater misery or shame in the world, than for a man to make a +friendship with such rascals, and to spend his time and estate in so +brutal, and insipid a society! It costs him more (beside his credit) to +maintain that couple of coxcombs than would have bought him the +conversation of a brace of grave and learned philosophers. But will ye +now see the bottom of this scandalous and dishonourable kindness? ‘My +lord,’ says the buffoon, ‘you were most infallibly wrapt in your mother’s +smock; for let me be — if ye have not set all the ladies about the court +agog.’ ‘The very truth is,’ cries the parasite, ‘all the rest of the +nobility look like corn-cutters to you; and indeed, wherever you come, +you have still the eyes of the whole company upon you.’ ‘Go to, go to, +gentlemen,’ says my lord, ‘you must not flatter your friends. This is +more your courtesy than my desert; and I have an obligation to you for +your kindness.’ After this manner these asses knab and curry one +another, and play the fools by turns.” + +The old man had his words yet between his teeth, when there passed just +by us a lady of pleasure, of so excellent a shape and garb, that it was +impossible to see her without a passion for her, and no less impossible +to look upon anything else, so long as she was to be seen. They that had +seen her once were to see her no more, for she turned her face still to +new-comers. Her motion was graceful and free. One while she’d stare ye +full in the eyes, under colour of opening her hood, to set it in better +order. By and by she’d steal a look at ye with one eye, and a side face, +from the corner of her visor, like a witch that’s afraid to be known when +she comes from a caterwaul. And then out comes the delicate hand, and +discovers the more delicious neck, and breasts, to adjust the handkercher +or the scarf, or to remove some other grievance that made her ladyship +uneasy. Her hair was most artificially disposed into careless rings; and +the best red and white in nature was in her cheeks, if that of her lips +and teeth did not exceed it. In a word, all she looked upon was her own; +and this was the vision for my money, from all the rest. As she was +marching off, I could not choose but take up a resolution to follow her. +But my old man laid a block in the way, and stopped me at the very +starting; which was an affront to a man that was both in love and in +haste, that might very well stir his choler. “My officious friend,” said +I, “he that does not love a woman sucked a sow. And questionless, he +must be either blind or barbarous that’s proof against the charms of so +divine a beauty. Nor would any but a sot let slip the blessed +opportunity of so fair an encounter. A handsome woman? why, what was she +made for, but to be loved? And he that has her, has all that’s lovely or +desirable in nature. For my own part, I would renounce the world for the +fellow of her, and never desire anything either beyond her, or beside +her. What lightning does she carry in her eyes! What charms, and chains +in her looks, and motions, for the very souls of her beholders! Was ever +anything so clear as her forehead? or so black as her eyebrows? One +would swear that her complexion had taken a tincture of vermilion and +milk: and that nature had brought her into the world with pearl and +rubies in her mouth. To speak all in little, she’s the masterpiece of +the creation, worthy of infinite praise, and equal to our largest desires +and imaginations.” + +Here the old man cut me short, and bade me make an end of my discourse, +“for thou art,” said he, “a man of much wonder, and small experience, and +delivered over to the spirit of folly and blindness. Thou hast thy eyes +in thy head, and yet not brain enough to know either why they were given +thee, or how to use them. Understand then that the office of the eye is +to see, but ’tis the privilege of the soul to distinguish and choose, +whereas you either do the contrary, or else nothing, which is worse. He +that trusts his eyes, exposes his mind to a thousand torments and +confusions: he shall take clouds for mountains, straight for crooked, one +colour for another, by reason of an undue distance, or an indisposed +medium. We are not able sometimes to say which way a river runs, till we +throw in a twig or straw to find out the current. And what will you say +now, if this prodigious beauty, your new mistress, prove as gross a cheat +and imposture as any of the rest? She went to bed last night as ugly as +a witch; and yet this morning she comes forth in your opinion as glorious +as an angel. The truth of it is, she hires all by the day; and if you +did but see this puppet taken to pieces, you would find her little else +but paint and plaister. To begin her anatomy at the head. You must know +that the hair she wears is borrowed of a tire-woman, for her own was +blown off by an unlucky wind from the coast of Naples. Or if she has any +left, she keeps it private, as a memorial of her antiquity. She is +beholden to the pencil for her eyebrows and complexion. And upon the +whole matter, she is but an old picture refreshed. But the wonder is, to +see a picture, with life and motion; unless perchance she has got the +necromancer’s receipt that made himself young again in his glass bottle. +For all that you see of her that’s good, comes from distilled waters, +essences, powders, and the like; and to see the washing of her face would +fright the devil. She abounds in pomanders, sweet waters, Spanish +pockets, perfumed drawers; and all little enough to qualify the poisonous +whiffs she sends from her toes and arm-pits, which would otherwise +out-stink ten thousand pole-cats. She cannot choose but kiss well, for +her lips are perpetually bathed in oil and grease. And he that embraces +her, shall find the better half of her the tailor’s, and only a stuffing +of cotton and canvas, to supply the defects of her body. When she goes +to bed, she puts off one half of her person with her shoes. What do ye +think of your adored beauty now? or have your eyes betrayed ye? Well, +well; confess your error and mend it; and know that (without more descant +upon this woman) ’tis the design and glory of most of the sex to lead +silly men captive. Nay take the best of them, and what with the trouble +of getting them and the difficulty of pleasing them, he that comes off +best will find himself a loser at the foot of the account. I could +recommend you here to other remedies of love, inseparable from the very +sex, but what I have said already, I hope, will be sufficient.” + + * * * * * + + THE END OF THE FIFTH VISION + + + + +THE SIXTH VISION OF HELL + + +BEING one autumn at a friend’s house in the country (which was indeed a +most delicious retreat) I took a walk one moonlight night into the park, +where all my past visions came fresh into my head again, and I was well +enough pleased with the meditation. At length the humour took me to +leave the path, and go further into the wood: what impulse carried me to +this, I know not. Whether I was moved by my good angel, or some higher +power, but so it was that in half a quarter of an hour, I found myself a +great way from home, and in a place where ’twas no longer night; with the +pleasantest prospect round about me that ever I saw since I was born. +The air was calm and temperate; and it was no small advantage to the +beauty of the place, that it was both innocent and silent. On the one +hand, I was entertained with the murmurs of crystal rivulets; on the +other, with the whispering of the trees; the birds singing all the while +either in emulation, or requital of the other harmonies. And now, to +show the instability of our affections and desires, I was grown weary +even of tranquillity itself, and in this most agreeable solitude began to +long for company. + +When in the very instant (to my great wonder) I discovered two paths, +issuing from one and the same beginning but dividing themselves forwards, +more and more, by degrees, as if they liked not one another’s company. +That on the right hand was narrow, almost beyond imagination; and being +very little frequented, it was so overgrown with thorns and brambles, and +so stony withal, that a man had all the trouble in the world to get +into’t. One might see, however, the prints and marks of several +passengers that had rubbed through, though with exceeding difficulty; for +they had left pieces of heads, arms, legs, feet, and many of them their +whole skins behind them. Some we saw yet upon the way, pressing forward, +without ever so much as looking back; and these were all of them +pale-faced, lean, thin, and miserably mortified. There was no passing +for horsemen; and I was told that St. Paul himself left his horse, when +he went into’t. And indeed, there was not the footing of any beast to be +seen. Neither horse nor mule, nor the track of any coach or chariot. +Nor could I learn that any had passed that way in the memory of man. +While I was bethinking myself of what I had seen, I spied at length a +beggar that was resting himself a little to take breath; and I asked him +what inns or lodgings they had upon that road. His answer was that there +was no stopping there, till they came to their journey’s end. “For +this,” said he, “is the way to paradise, and what should they do with +inns or taverns, where there are so few passengers? Do not you know that +in the course of nature, to die is to be born, to live is to travel; and +the world is but a great inn, after which, it is but one stage either to +pain or glory?” And with these words he marched forward, and bade me +God-b’w’ye, telling me withal that it was time lost to linger in the way +of virtue, and not safe to entertain such dialogues as tend rather to +curiosity than instruction. And so he pursued his journey, stumbling, +tearing his flesh, and sighing, and groaning at every step; and weeping +as if he thought to soften the stones with his tears. This is no way for +me, thought I to myself; and no company neither; for they are a sort of +beggarly, morose people, and will never agree with my humour. So I drew +back and struck off into the left-hand way. + +And there I found company enough and room for more. What a world of +brave cavaliers! Gilt coaches, rich liveries, and handsome, lively +lasses, as glorious as the sun! Some were singing and laughing, others +tickling one another and toying; some again, at their cheese-cakes and +China oranges, or appointing a set at cards: so that taking all together, +I durst have sworn I had been at the park. This minded me of the old +saying, “Tell me thy company, and I’ll tell thee thy manners;” and to +save the credit of my education, I put myself into the noble mode, and +jogged on. And there was I at the first dash up to the ears, in balls, +plays, masquerades, collations, dalliances, amours, and as full of joy as +my heart could hold. + +It was not here, as upon t’other road, where folks went barefoot and +naked, for want of shoemakers and tailors, for here were enow, and to +spare; beside mercers, drapers, jewellers, bodice-makers, peruke-makers, +milliners, and a French ordinary at every other door. You cannot imagine +the pleasure I took in my new acquaintance; and yet there was now and +then some justling and disorder upon the way, chiefly between the +physicians upon their mules, and the infantry of the lawyers, that +marched in great bodies before the judges, and contested for place. But +the physicians carried it in favour of their charter, which gives them +privilege to study, practise, and teach the art of poisoning, and to read +lectures of it in the universities. While this point of honour was in +dispute, I perceived divers crossing from one way to the other, and +changing of parties. Some of them stumbled and recovered; others fell +down right. But the pleasantest gambol of all was that of the vintners. +A whole litter of them tumbled into a pit together, one over another, but +finding they were out of their element, they got up again as fast as they +could. Those that were in the right-hand way, which was the way of +paradise, or virtue, advanced very heavily, and made us excellent sport. +“Prithee look what a Friday-face that fellow makes!” cries one; “Hang +him, prick-eared cur,” says another; “Damn me,” cries a third, “if the +rogue be not drunk with holy water;” “If the devil had raked hell, he +could not have found such a pack of ill-looked rascals,” says another. +Some of them stopped their ears, and went on without minding us. Others +we put out of countenance, and they came over to us. And a third sort +came out of pure love to our company. + +After this, I observed a great many people afar off in a by-path: with as +much contrition and devotion in their looks and gestures as ever I saw in +men. They walked shaking their heads, and lifting up their hands to +heaven; and they had most of them large ears, and, to my thinking, Geneva +Bibles. These, thought I, are a people of singular integrity, and +strictness of life, above their fellows; but coming nearer, we found them +to be hypocrites; and that though they’d none of our company upon the +road, they would not fail to meet us at our journey’s end. Fasting, +repentance, prayer, mortification, and other holy duties, which are the +exercise of good Christians, in order to their salvation, are but a kind +of probation to these men, to fit them for the devil. They were followed +by a number of devotees, and holy sisters, that kissed the skirts of +their garments all the way they went, but whether out of zeal, spiritual, +or natural, is hard to say; and undoubtedly, some women’s kisses are +worse than Judas’s. For though his kiss was treacherous in the +intention, it was right yet in the application: but this was one Judas +kissing another, which makes me think there was more of the flesh than of +the spirit in the case. Some would be drawing a thread now and then out +of the holy man’s garment, to make a relic of. Others would cut out +large snips, as if they had a mind to see them naked. Some again desired +they would remember them in their prayers; which was just as much as if +they had commended themselves to the devil by a third person. Some +prayed for good matches for their daughters; others begged children for +themselves: and sure the husband that allows his wife to ask children +abroad will be so civil as to take them home, when they are given him. +In fine, these hypocrites may for a while perchance impose upon the +world, and delude the multitude; but no mask or disguise is proof against +the all-piercing eye of the Almighty. There are I must confess many +religious and godly men, for whose persons and prayers I have a great +esteem. But these are not of the hypocrites’ humour, to build their +hopes and ambition upon popular applause, and with a counterfeit +humility, to proclaim their weakness and unworthiness; their failings; +yea and their transgressions in the market-place; all which is indeed but +a true jest; for they are really what they say, though they would not be +thought so. + +These went apart, and were looked upon to be neither fish nor flesh nor +good red-herring. They wore the name of Christians; but they had neither +the wit nor the honesty of pagans. For they content themselves with the +pleasures of this life, because they know no better. But the hypocrite, +that’s instructed both in the life temporal and eternal, lives without +either comfort in the one, or hope in the other; and takes more pains to +be damned than a good Christian does to compass his salvation. In short, +we went on our way in discourse. The rich followed their wealth, and the +poor the rich; begging there what Providence had denied them. The +stubborn and obstinate went away by themselves, for they would hear +nobody that was wiser than themselves, but ran huddling on, and pressed +still to be foremost. The magistrates drew after them all the solicitors +and attorneys. Corrupt judges were carried away by passion and avarice. +And vain and ambitious princes trailed along with them principalities and +commonwealths. There were a world of clergy upon this road too. And I +saw one full regiment of soldiers there, which would have been brave +fellows indeed, if they had but been half so good at praying and +fighting, as they were at swearing. Their whole discourse was of their +adventures, how narrowly they came off at such an assault; what wounds +they received upon t’other breach; and then what a destruction they made +at such a time, of mutton and poultry. But all they said came in at one +ear and went out at t’other. “Don’t you remember, sirrah,” says one, +“how we clawed it away at such a place!” “Yes, ye damned rogue you,” +cries t’other, “when you were so drunk you took your aunt for the bawd.” +These and such as these were the only exploits they could truly brag of. + +While they were upon these glorious rhodomontades, certain generous +spirits from the right-hand way, that knew what they were, by the boxes +of passports, testimonials, and recommendations they wore at their +girdles, cried out to them, as if it had been to an attack: “Fall on, +fall on, my lads, and follow me. This, this is the path of honour, and +if you were not poltroons you would not quit it for fear of a hard march, +or an ill lodging. Courage comrades; and be assured that this combat +well fought makes all your fortunes, and crowns ye for ever. Here, ye +shall be sure both of pay and reward, without casting the issue of all +your hazards and hopes upon the empty promises of princes. How long will +ye pursue this trade of blood and rapine? And accustom your ears and +tongues to the tragical outcries of, Burn; No quarter; Kill, or Die. It +is not pay, or pillage, but Virtue that’s a brave man’s recompense. +Trust to her, and she’ll not deceive ye. If it be the war ye love, come +to us; bear arms on the right side, and we’ll find you work. Do not you +know that man’s life is a warfare? That the world, the flesh, and the +devil, are three vigilant enemies? And that it is as much as his soul is +worth, to put himself, but for one minute, out of his guard. Princes +tell ye, that your bloods and your lives are theirs, and that to shed the +one, and lose the other, in their service, is no obligation, but a duty. +You are still however to look to the cause; wherefore turn head, and come +along with us, and be happy.” The soldiers heard all this with exceeding +patience and attention; but the brand of cowardice had such an effect +upon them, that without any more ado, like men of honour, they presently +quitted the road; drew; and as bold as lions, charged headlong into a +tavern. + +After this, we saw a great troop of women, upon the highway to hell, with +their bags and their fellows, at their heels, ever and anon hunching and +justling one another. On the other side, a number of good people, that +were almost at the end of their journey, came over into the wrong road; +for the right-hand way growing easier and wider toward the end, and that +on the left hand, on the contrary, narrower, they thought they had been +out of their way, and so came in to us; as many of ours went over to +them, upon the same mistake. Among the rest, I saw a great lady, without +either coach, sedan, or any living creature with her, foot it all the way +to hell: which was to me so great a wonder, considering how she had lived +in the world, that I presently looked about for a public notary to make +an entry of it. The woman was in a most miserable pickle; and I did not +know what design she might drive on, under that disguise; but finding +never a notary, or register at hand, though I missed my particular aim, +yet I was well enough pleased with it, for I took it then for granted +that I was in my ready way to heaven. But when I came afterward to +reflect upon the crosses, afflictions, and mortifications, that lie in +the way to paradise; and to consider that there was nothing of that upon +this road; but on the contrary, laughing, singing, frollicking, and all +manner of jollity: this I must confess gave me a qualm, and made me a +little doubtful whither I was going. + +But I was quickly delivered of that doubt by a gang of married men, that +we overtook with their wives in their hands, in evidence of their +mortifications: “My wife’s my witness,” cries one, “that every day since +I married her has been a fasting day to me; to pamper her with +cock-broth, and jellies. And my wife knows how I have humbled my body by +nakedness; for I have hardly allowed myself a rag to my backside; or a +shoe to my foot, to maintain her in her coach, pages, gowns, petticoats, +and jewels.” So that upon the matter, I perceive an unlucky hit with a +wife gives a man as much right to the catalogue of martyrs, as if he had +ended his days at the stake. + +The misery these poor wretches endured made me think myself in the right +again; till I heard a cry behind me, “Make way there; make way for the +’pothecaries.” Bless me, thought I, if they be here, we are certainly +going to the devil. And so it proved, for we were just then come to a +little door, that was made like a mousetrap, where ’twas easy to get in, +but there was no getting out again. + +It was a strange thing, that scarce anybody so much as dreamt of hell, +all the way we went; and yet everybody knew where they were, as soon as +they came there; and cried out with one voice, “Miserable creatures! we +are damned, we are damned.” That word made my heart ache; and is it come +to that? said I. Then did I begin with tears in my eyes to reflect upon +what I had left in the world, as my relations, friends, ladies, +mistresses, and in fine, all my old acquaintance: when with a heavy sigh, +looking behind me, I saw the greater part of them posting after me. It +gave me, methought, some comfort, that I should have so good company; +vainly imagining that even hell itself might be capable of some relief. + +Going farther on I was gotten into a crowd of tailors, that stood up +sneaking in a corner, for fear of the devils. At the first door, there +were seven devils, taking the names of those that came in; and they asked +me mine, and my quality, and so they let me pass. But, examining the +tailors, “These fellows,” cried one of the devils, “come in such shoals, +as if hell were made only for tailors.” “How many are they?” says +another. Answer was made, “About a hundred.” “About a hundred? They +must be more than a hundred,” says t’other, “if they be tailors; for they +never come under a thousand, or twelve hundred strong. And we have so +many here already, I do not know where we shall ’stow them. Say the +word, my masters, shall’s let them in or no?” The poor prick-lice were +damnedly startled at that, for fear they should not get in: but in the +end, they had the favour to be admitted. “Certainly,” said I, “these +folks are but in an ill condition, when ’tis a menace for the devils +themselves to refuse to receive them.” Thereupon a huge, overgrown, +club-footed, crump-shouldered devil, threw them all into a deep hole. +Seeing such a monster of a devil, I asked him how he came to be so +deformed. And he told me, he had spoiled his back with carrying of +tailors: “for,” said he, “I have been formerly made use of as a sumpter +to fetch them; but now of late they save me that labour, and come so fast +of themselves, that ’tis one devil’s work to dispose of them.” While the +word was yet speaking, there came another glut of them, and I was fain to +make way, that the devil might have room to work in, who piled them up, +and told me they made the best fuel in hell. + +I passed forward then into a little dark alley, where it made me start to +hear one call me by my name, and with much ado I perceived a fellow there +all wrapt up in smoke and flame. “Alas! sir,” says he; “have you +forgotten your old bookseller in Popes-Head Alley?” “I cry thee mercy, +good Livowell,” quoth I, “what? art thou here?” “Yes, sir,” says he, +“’tis e’en too true. I never dreamt it would have come to this.” He +thought I must needs pity him, when I knew him: but truly I reflected +rather upon the justice of his punishment. For in a word, his shop was +the very mint of heresy, schism, and sedition. I put on a face of +compassion however, to give him a little ease, which he took hold of, and +vented his complaint. “Well sir,” says he, “I would my father had made +me a hangman, when he made me a stationer; for we are called to account +for other men’s works, as well as for our own. And one thing that’s cast +in our dish, is the selling of translations, so dog cheap, that every sot +knows now as much as would formerly have made a passable doctor, and +every nasty groom and roguey lackey is grown as familiar with Homer, +Virgil, Ovid, as if ’twere _Robin the Devil_, _The Seven Champions_, or a +piece of George Withers.” He would have talked on, if a devil had not +stopped his mouth with a whiff from a roll of his own papers, and choked +him with the smoke on’t. The pestilent fume would have dispatched me +too, if I had not got presently out of the reach on’t. But I went my +way, saying this to myself, If the bookseller be thus criminal, what will +become of the author! + +I was diverted from this meditation, by the rueful groans of a great many +souls that were under the lash, and the devil tyrannising over them with +whips and scourges. I asked what they were, and it was told me, that +there was a plot among the hackney-coachmen to exhibit an information +against the devils, for taking the whip out of their hands, and setting +up a trade they had never served to, (which is directly contrary to +_Quinto Elizabethæ_). “Well,” said I: “but why are these tormented +here?” With that, an old sour-looked coachman took the answer out of the +devil’s mouth, and told me, that it was because they came to hell a +horseback, which they pretended was a privilege that did not belong to +rogues of their quality. “Speak truth, and be hanged,” cried the devil; +“and make an honest confession here. Say, sirrah, how many bawdy voyages +have you made to Hackney? How many nights have you stood pimping at +Marybone? How many whores and knaves have you brought together? And how +many lies have you told, to keep all private, since you first set up this +scandalous trade?” There was a coachman by, that had served a judge, and +thought ’twas no more for his old master to fetch a rascal out of hell +than out of Newgate; which made this fellow stand upon his points, and +ask the devil, how he durst give that language to so honourable a +profession; “for,” says he, “who wears better clothes than your coachmen? +Are not we in our velvets, embroideries, and laces? and as glorious as so +many phaetons? Have not our masters reason to be good to us, when their +necks are at stake and their lives at our mercy? Nay, we govern those, +many times, that govern kingdoms; and a prince is almost in as much +danger of his coachman as of his physician. And there are that +understand it too, and themselves, and us; and that will not stick to +trust their coachmen as far as they would do their confessors. There’s +no absurdity in the comparison; for if they know some of their privacies, +we know more; yes, and perhaps more than we’ll speak of.” “What have we +here to do?” cried a devil that was ready to break his heart with +laughing. “A coachman in his tropes and figures? An orator instead of a +waggoner? The slave has broke his bridle, and got his head at liberty, +and now he’ll never have done.” “No, why should he?” says another that +had served a great lady more ways than one. “Is this the best +entertainment you can afford your servants? your daily drudges? I’m sure +we bring you good commodity, well packed; well conditioned; well +perfumed; right, neat, and clean: not like your city-ware that comes +dirty to you, up to the hocks; and yet every daggle-tailed wench, and +skip-kennel, shall be better used than we. Ah! The ingratitude of this +place! If we had done as much for somebody else, as we have done for +you, we should not have been now to seek for our wages. When you have +nothing else to say, you tell me that I am punished for carrying the +sick, the gouty, the lame, to church, to mass; or some straggling +virgins, back again to their cloister: which is a damned lie; for I am +able to prove, that all my trading lay at the play-houses, bawdy-houses, +taverns, balls, collations: or else at the _Tour à la Mode_, where there +was still appointed some after-meeting; to treat of certain affairs, that +highly import the interest and welfare of your dominions. I have indeed +carried my mistress sometimes to the church door, but it signified no +more than if I had carried her to a conventicle; for all her business +there was to meet her gallant, and to agree when they should meet next; +according to the way of devotion now in mode. To conclude: It is most +certain, that I never took any creature (knowingly) into my coach, that +had so much as a good thought. And this was so well known, that it was +all one to ask, If a lady were a maid, or if she had ever been in my +coach. If it appeared she had, he that married her knew beforehand what +he had to trust to. And after all this, ye have made us a fair +requital.” With that the devil fell a-laughing, and with five or six +twinging jerks, half flayed the poor coachman; so that I was e’en glad to +retire, in pity partly to the coachman and partly to myself; for the +currying of a coachman is little better than the turning up of a +dunghill. + +My next adventure was into a deep vault, where I began immediately to +shudder, and my teeth chattered in my head. I asked the meaning of it; +and there came up to me a devil, with kibed heels and his toes all +mortified; and told me that that quarter was allotted to the buffoons and +drolls, “which are a people,” says he, “of so starved a conceipt, and so +cold a discourse, that we are fain to chain and lock them up, for fear +they should spoil the temper of our fire.” I asked if a man might see +them. The devil told me yes, and showed me one of the lewdest kennels in +hell. And there were they at it, pecking at one another, and nothing but +the same fooleries over and over again that they had practised upon +earth. Among the buffoons, I saw divers that passed here in the world +for men of honesty and honour; which were in, as the devil told me, for +flattery, and were a sort of buffoon, that goes betwixt the bark and the +tree. “But, why are they condemned?” said I. “The other buffoons are +condemned,” quoth the devil, “for want of favour; and these, for having +too much, and abusing it. You must know, they come upon us, still at +unawares; and yet they find all things in readiness; the cloth laid, and +the bed made, as if they were at home. To say the truth, we have some +sort of kindness for them; for they save us a great deal of trouble, in +tormenting one another. + +“Do you see him there? That was a wicked, and a partial judge; and all +he has to say for himself, is, that he remembers the time when he could +have broke the neck of two honest causes, and he put them only out of +joint. That good fellow there was a careless husband, and him we lodge +too with the buffoons. He sold his wife’s portion, wife and all, to +please his companions; and turned both into an annuity. That lady there +(though a great one) is fain to take up too with the buffoons, for they +are both of a humour: what they do with their talk, she does with her +body, and seasons it to all appetites. In a word, you shall find +buffoons in all conditions; and, in effect, there are nigh as many as +there are men and women: for the whole world is given to jeering, +slandering, backbiting, and there are more natural buffoons than +artificial.” + +At my going out of the vault, I saw a matter of a thousand devils +following a drove of pastry-men, and breaking their heads as they passed +along, with iron peels. “Alack!” cried one of them, that was yet in a +whole skin, “it is hard the sin of the flesh should be laid to our +charge, that never had to do with women.” “Impudent, nasty rascals,” +quoth a devil, “who has deserved hell, if they have not? How many +thousand men have these slovens poisoned, with the grease of their heads +and tails, instead of mutton-suet? with snot-pies for marrow; and flies +for currants? How many stomachs have they turned into lay-stalls with +the dogs’-flesh, horse-flesh and other carrion that they have put into +them? And do these rogues complain (in the devil’s name) of their +sufferings! Leave your bawling, ye whelps,” says he, “and know, that the +pain you endure is nothing to that of your tormentors. And for your +part,” says he, to me, with a sour look, “because you are a stranger, you +may go about your business; but we have a crow to pluck with these +fellows, before we part.” + +I went next down a pair of stairs into a huge cellar, where I saw men +burning in unquenchable fire; and one of them roaring, cried out, “I +never over-sold; I never sold, but at conscionable rates, why am I +punished thus?” I durst have sworn it had been Judas, but going nearer +to him, to see if he had a red head, I found him to be a merchant of my +acquaintance, that died not long since. “How now, old Martin,” said I, +“art thou there?” He was dogged, because I did not call him Sir, and +made no answer. I saw his grief, and told him how much he was to blame, +to cherish that vanity even in hell, that had brought him thither. “And +what do ye think on’t now,” said I, “had not you better have traded in +blacks than Christians? Had not you better have contented yourself with +a little, honestly got, than run the hazard of your soul for an estate; +and have gone to heaven afoot, rather than to the devil on horseback?” +My friend was as mute as a fish; whether out of anger, shame, or grief, I +know not. And then a devil in office took up the discourse. “These +pickpocket rogues,” says he, “did they think to govern the world with +their own weights and measures, _in secula seculorum_? Methinks, the +blinking and false lights of their shops should have minded them of their +quarter, in the other world, aforehand. And ’tis all a case, with +jewellers, goldsmiths, and other trades, that serve only to flatter and +bolster up the world in luxury and folly. But if people would be wise, +these youths should have little enough to do. For what’s their cloth of +gold and silver, their silks, their diamond and pearl, (which they sell +at their own price) but matter of mere wantonness and superfluity? These +are they that inveigle ye into all sorts of extravagant expenses, and so +ruin ye insensibly, under colour of kindness and credit. For they set +everything at double the rate; and if you keep not touch at your day, +your persons are imprisoned, your goods seized, and your estates +extended. And they that helped to make you princes before, are now the +forwardest to put you into the condition of beggars.” + +The devil would have talked on, if I had given him the hearing, but there +was such a laugh set up on one side of me, as if they would all have +split; and I went to see what the matter was; for ’twas a strange thing, +methought, to hear them so merry in hell. The business was, there were +two men upon a scaffold, in Gentile habits, gaping as loud as they could +bawl. One of them had a great parchment in his hand, displayed, with +divers’ labels hanging at it, and several seals. I thought at first it +might have been execution-day, and took the writing for a pardon or +reprieve. At every word they spoke, a matter of seven or eight thousand +devils burst out a-laughing, as they would have cracked their sides. And +this again made me think, it might be some jack-pudding or mountebank, +showing his tricks or his attestations, with his congregation of fools +about him. But, nearer hand, I found my mistake; and that the devils’ +mirth made the gentlemen angry. At last, I perceived that this great +earnestness of theirs was only to make out their pedigree, and get +themselves passed for gentlemen; the parchment being a testimonial from +the Heralds Office to that purpose. “My father,” says he with the +writing in’s hand, “bore arms for His Majesty in many honourable +occasions of watching and warding; and has made many a tall fellow speak +to the constable, at all hours of the night. My uncle was the first man +that ever was of the Order of the Black-Guard: and we have had five brave +commanders of our family, by my father’s side, that have served the State +in the quality of marshal’s men and turnkeys, and given His Majesty a +fair account of all the prisoners committed to their charge. And by my +mother’s side, it will not be denied but that I am honourably descended; +for my grandmother was never without a dozen chamber-maids and nurses in +family.” “It may be ’twas her trade,” quoth the devil, “to procure +services and servants, and consequently to deal in that commodity.” +“Well, well,” said the cavalier, “she was what she was; and I’m sure I +tell you nothing but truth. Her husband wore a sword, by his place, for +he was a Deputy-Marshal; and to prove myself a man of honour, I have it +here in black and white, under the Seal of the Office. Why must I then +be quartered among a pack of rascals?” “My gentleman friend,” quoth the +devil, “your grandfather wore a sword, as he was usher to a fencing +school; and we know very well what his son and grandchild can pretend to. +But let that pass; you have led a wicked and infamous life, and spent +your time in whoring, drinking, blaspheming, and in lewd company; and do +you tell us now of the privileges of your nobility? Your testimonials; +and the Seal of the Office? A fart for your privileges, testimonials, +office and all. There is no honour, but virtue. And if your children, +though they had a scoundrel to their father, should come to do honourable +and worthy things, we should look upon them as persons sacred, and not +dare to meddle with them. But talking is time lost; you were ever a +couple of pitiful fellows, and your tails scarce worth the scalding. +Have at ye,” says he, and at that word, with a huge iron bar he gave him +such a salute over the buttocks, that he took two or three turns in the +air, heels over head, and dropped at last into the common-shore; where +never any man as yet found the bottom. + +When his companion had seen him cut that caper, “This usage,” says he, +“may be well enough for a parchment gentleman; but for a cavalier of my +extraction, and profession, I suppose you’ll treat him with somewhat more +of civility and respect.” “Cavalier,” quoth the devil, “if you have +brought no better plea along with you than the antiquity of your house, +you may e’en follow your comrade, for ought I know, for we find very few +ancient families that had not some oppressor or usurper for their +founders; and they are commonly continued by the same means they were +begun. How many are there of our titular nobility, that write Noble +purely upon the account of their violence and injustice? Their subjects +and tenants, what with impositions, hard services, and racked rents, are +they not worse than slaves? If they happen to have anything +extraordinary, as a pleasant fruit, a handsome colt, a good cow; and that +the landlord, or his sweet lady take a liking to it, they must either +submit to part with it gratis, or else take their pay in foul language or +bastinadoes. And ’tis well if they ’scape so: for many times when the +sign’s in Gemini, their wives and daughters go to pot, without any regard +of laws either sacred or profane. What damned blasphemies and +imprecations do they make use of, to get credit with a mistress or a +creditor, upon a faithless promise! How intolerable is their pride and +insolence, even towards many considerable officers, both in Church and +State! for they behave themselves as if all people below their quality +and rank in the world were but as so many brutes, or worse. As if human +blood were not all of a colour; as if nature had not brought them into +the world the common way, or moulded them of the same materials with the +meanest wretches upon the earth. And then, for such as have military +charges and commands, how many great officers are there, that without any +consideration of their own, or their princes’ honour, fall to spoil and +pillage? Cozening the State with false musters, and the soldiers of +their pay; and giving them, instead of their due from the prince, a +liberty of taking what is not their due from the people; forcing them to +take the bread out of the poor labourers’ mouths to fill their own +bellies, and protecting them when they have done in the most execrable +outrages imaginable. And when the poor soldier comes at last to be +dismissed, or disbanded; lame, sick, beggarly, naked almost, and enraged; +with nothing left him to trust to but the highway to keep him from +starving. What mischief is there in the world, that these men are not +the cause of? How many good families are utterly ruined, and at this day +in the hospital, for trusting to their oaths and promises! and becoming +bound for them, for vast sums of money to maintain them in tipple, and +whores, and in all sorts of luxury and riot?” This rhetorical devil +would have said a thousand times more, but that his companions called him +off, and told him they had business elsewhere. The cavalier hearing +that, “My friend,” said he, “your morals are very good, but yet with your +favour, all men are not alike.” “There’s never a barrel better herring,” +said the devil, “you are all of ye tainted with original sin, and if you +had been any better than your fellows you had never been sent hither. +But if you are indeed so noble, as you say, you’re worth the burning, if +’twere but for your ashes. And that you may have no cause of complaint, +you shall see, we’ll treat you like a person of your condition.” And in +that instant, two devils presented themselves; the one of them bridled +and saddled; and the other, doing the office of the squire; holding the +stirrup, with his left hand, and giving the gentleman a lift into the +saddle with the other. Which was no sooner done, but away he went like +an arrow out of a bow. I asked the devil then into what country he +carried him. And he told me, not far: for ’twas only matter of decorum, +to send the nobility to hell a-horseback. “Look on that side now,” says +he, and so I did; and there I saw the poor cavalier in a huge furnace, +with the first inventors of nobility, and arms: as Cain, Cham, Nimrod, +Esau, Romulus, Tarquin, Nero, Caligula, Domitian, Heliogabalus; and a +world of other brave fellows, that had made themselves famous by +usurpation and blood. The place was a little too hot for me, and so I +retired, meditating on what I had heard; and not a little satisfied with +the discourse of so learned a devil. Till that time I took the devil for +a notorious liar; but I find now that he can speak the truth too, when he +pleases; and I would not for all I am worth but have heard him preach. + +When I was thus far, my curiosity carried me still farther; and within +twenty yards I came to a huge muddy, stinking lake, near twice as big as +that of Geneva; and heard in’t so strange a noise that I was almost out +of my wits to know what it was. They told me that the lake was stored +with Doüegnas, or Gouvernantes, which are turned into a kind of frogs in +hell, and perpetually drivelling, sputtering, and croaking. Methought +the conversion was apt enough; for they are neither fish, nor flesh, no +more than frogs; and only the lower parts of them are man’s-meat, but +their heads are enough to turn a very good stomach. I could not but +laugh to see how they gaped, and stretched out their legs as they swam, +and still as we came near they’d scud away and dive. + +This was no place to stay in, there was so noisome a vapour; and so I +struck off, upon the left hand, where I saw a number of old men beating +their breasts and tearing their faces, with bitter groans and +lamentations. It made my heart ache to see them, and I asked what they +were: answer was made, that I was now in the quarter of the fathers that +damned themselves to raise their posterity; which were called by some, +the unadvised. “Wretch that I am!” cried one of them, “the greatest +penitent that ever lived, never suffered the mortification I have +endured. I have watched, I have fasted, I have scarce had any clothes to +my back; my whole life has been a restless course of torment, both of +body and mind: and all this, to get money for my children; that I might +see them well married; buy them places at court, or procure them some +other preferment in the world: starving myself in the conclusion, rather +than I would lessen the provision I had made for my posterity. And yet, +notwithstanding this my fatherly care, I was scarce sooner dead, than +forgotten: and my next heir buried me without tears, or mourning; and +indeed without so much as paying of legacies, or praying for my soul: as +if they had already received certain intelligence of my damnation. And +to aggravate my sorrows, the prodigals are now squandering and consuming +that estate, in gaming, whoring, and debauches, which I had scraped +together by so much industry, vexation and oppression, and for which I +suffer at this instant such insupportable torments.” “This should have +been thought on before,” cried a devil, “for sure you have heard of the +old saying, ‘Happy is the child whose father goes to the devil.’” At +which word, the old misers brake out into fresh rage and lamentation, +tearing their flesh, with tooth and nail, in so rueful a manner, that I +was no longer able to endure the spectacle. + +A little farther there was a dark, hideous prison, where I heard the +clattering of chains, the crackling of flames, the slapping of whips, and +a confused outcry of complaints. I asked what quarter this was; and they +told me it was the quarter of the Oh that I had’s! “What are those,” +said I? Answer was made, that they were a company of brutish sots, so +absolutely delivered up to vice, that they were damned insensibly, and in +hell before they were aware. They are now reflecting upon their +miscarriages and omissions, and perpetually crying out, “Oh that I had +examined my conscience!” “Oh that I had frequented the Sacraments!” “Oh +that I had humbled myself with fasting, and prayer!” “Oh that I had +served God as I ought!” “Oh that I had visited the sick, and relieved +the poor!” “Oh that I had set a watch before the door of my lips!” + +I left these late repentants, (as it appeared) in exchange for worse, +which were shut up in a base court, and the nastiest that ever I saw. +These were such as had ever in their mouths, “God is merciful, and will +pardon me.” “How can this be,” said I, “that these people should be +damned? when condemnation is an act of justice, not of mercy.” “I +perceive you are simple,” quoth the devil, “for half these you see here, +are condemned with the mercy of God in their mouths. And to explain +myself, consider I pray’e how many sinners are there, that go on in their +ways, in spite of reproof, and good counsel; and still this is their +answer, ‘God is merciful, and will not damn a soul for so small a +matter.’ But let them talk of mercy as they please, so long as they +persist in a wicked life, we are like to have their company at last.” +“By your argument,” said I, “there’s no trusting to Divine Mercy.” “You +mistake me,” quoth the devil, “for every good thought and work flows from +that mercy. But this I say: He that perseveres in his wickedness, and +makes use of the name of mercy, only for a countenance to his impieties, +does but mock the Almighty, and has no title to that mercy. For ’tis +vain to expect mercy from above, without doing anything in order to it. +It properly belongs to the righteous and the penitent; and they that have +the most of it upon the tongue have commonly the least thought of it in +their hearts: and ’tis a great aggravation of guilt, to sin the more, in +confidence of an abounding mercy. It is true that many are received to +mercy, that are utterly unworthy of it, which is no wonder, since no man +of himself can deserve it: but men are so negligent of seeking it +betimes, that they put that off to the last, which should have been the +first part of their business; and many times their life is at end, before +they begin their repentance.” I did not think so damned a doctor could +have made so good a sermon. And there I left him. + +I came next to a noisome dark hole, and there I saw a company of dyers, +all in dirt and smoke, intermixed with the devils, and so alike that it +would have posed the subtlest inquisitor in Spain to have said, which +were the devils and which the dyers. + +There stood at my elbow a strange kind of mongrel devil, begot betwixt a +black and a white; with a head so bestruck with little horns, that it +looked at a distance like a hedgehog. I took the boldness to ask him, +where they quartered the Sodomites, the old women and the cuckolds. “As +for the cuckolds,” said he, “they are all over hell, without any certain +quarter or station; and in truth, ’tis no easy matter to know a cuckold +from a devil, for (like kind husbands) they wear their wives’ favours +still, and the very same headpieces in hell that they wore living in the +world. As to the Sodomites, we have no more to do with them than needs +must; but upon all occasions, we either fly, or face them: for if ever we +come to give them a broadside, ’tis ten to one but we get a hit betwixt +wind and water; and yet we fence with our tails, as well as we can, and +they get now and then a flap o’er the mouth into the bargain. And for +the old women, we make them stand off; for we take as little pleasure in +them, as you do: and yet the jades will be persecuting us with their +passions; and ye shall have a bawd of five-and-fifty do ye all the +gambols of a girl of fifteen. And yet, after all this, there’s not an +old woman in hell; for let her be as old as Paul’s — bald, blind, +toothless, wrinkled, decrepit: this is not long of her age, she’ll tell +you; but a terrible fit of sickness last year, that fetched off her hair, +and brought her so low that she has not yet recovered her flesh again. +She lost her eyes by a hot rheum; and utterly spoiled her teeth with +cracking of peach-stones and eating of sweet-meats when she was a maid. +And when the weight of her years has almost brought both ends together, +’tis nothing she’ll tell ye but a crick she has got in her back: and +though she might recover her youth again, by confessing her age, she’ll +never acknowledge it.” + +My next encounter was, a number of people making their moan that they had +been taken away by sudden death. “That’s an impudent lie,” cried a +devil, “(saving this gentleman’s presence) for no man dies suddenly. +Death surprises no man, but gives all men sufficient warning and notice.” +I was much taken with the devil’s civility and discourse; which he +pursued after this manner. “Do ye complain,” says he, “of sudden death? +that have carried death about ye, ever since you were born; that have +been entertained with daily spectacles of carcasses and funerals; that +have heard so many sermons upon the subject; and read so many good books +upon the frailty of life and the certainty of death. Do ye not know that +every moment ye live brings ye nearer to your end? Your clothes wear +out, your woods and your houses decay, and yet ye look that your bodies +should be immortal. What are the common accidents and diseases of life, +but so many warnings to provide yourself for a remove? Ye have death at +the table, in your daily food and nourishment; for your life is +maintained by the death of other creatures. And you have the lively +picture of it, every night for your bedfellow. With what face then can +you charge your misfortunes upon sudden death? that have spent your whole +life, both at bed, and at board, among so many remembrances of your +mortality. No, no; change your style, and hereafter confess yourselves +to have been careless and incredulous. You die, thinking you are not to +die yet; and forgetting that death grows upon you, and goes along with ye +from one end of your life to the other, without distinguishing of persons +or ages, sex or quality; and whether it finds ye well or ill-doing; As +the tree falls, so it lies.” + +Turning toward my left hand, I saw a great many souls that were put up in +gallipots, with _Assa fœtida_, _Galbanum_, and a company of nasty oils +that served them for syrup. “What a damned stink is here,” cried I, +stopping my nose. “We are now come undoubtedly to the devil’s house of +office.” “No, no,” said their tormentor, (which was a kind of a +yellowish complexioned devil) “’tis a confection of apothecaries. A sort +of people, that are commonly damned for compounding the medicines by +which their patients hoped to be saved. To give them their due, these +are your only true and chemical philosophers; and worth a thousand of +Raymund Lullius, Hermes, Geber, Ruspicella, Avicen, and their fellows; +’tis true, they have written fine things of the transmutation of metals; +but did they ever make any gold? Or if they did, we have lost the +secret. Whereas your apothecaries, out of a little puddle-water, a +bundle of rotten sticks, a box of flies—nay out of toads, vipers, and a +Sir Reverence itself, will fetch ye gold ready minted, and fit for the +market; which is more than all your philosophical projectors ever +pretended to. There is no herb so poisonous, (let it be hemlock) nor any +stone so dry, (suppose the pumice itself) but they’ll draw silver out of +it. And then for words, ’tis impossible to make up any word out of the +four-and-twenty letters, but they’ll show ye a drug, or a plant of the +name; and turn the alphabet into as good money as any’s in your pocket. +Ask them for an eye-tooth of a flying toad; they’ll tell ye, yes, ye may +have of it, in powder; or if you had rather have the infusion of a tench +of the mountains, in a little eel’s milk, ’tis all one to them. If there +be but any money stirring, you shall have what you will, though there be +no such thing in nature. So that it looks as if all the plants and +stones of the creation had their several powers and virtues given them, +only for the apothecaries’ sakes; and as if words themselves had been +only made for their advantage. Ye call them apothecaries, but instead of +that, I pray’e call them armourers; and their shops, arsenals; are not +their medicines as certain death as swords, daggers, or muskets? while +their patients are purged and blooded into the other world, without any +regard either to distemper, measure, or season. + +“If you will now see the pleasantest sight you have seen yet, walk up but +these two steps, and you shall see a jury (or conspiracy) of +barber-surgeons, sitting upon life and death.” You must think that any +divertisement there was welcome, so that I went up, and found it in truth +a very pleasant spectacle. These barbers were most of them chained by +the middle, their hands at liberty, and every one of them a cittern about +his neck, and upon his knees a chess-board; and still as he reached to +have a touch at the cittern, the instrument vanished; and so did the +chess-board, when he thought to have a game at draughts; which is +directly tantalising the poor rogues, for a cittern is as natural to a +barber as milk to a calf. Some of them were washing of asses’ brains, +and putting them in again; and scouring of negroes to make them white. + +When I had laughed my fill at these fooleries, my next discovery was, of +a great many people, grumbling and muttering, that there was nobody +looked after them; no not so much as to torment them; as if their tails +were not as well worth the toasting as their neighbours’. Answer was +made, that being a kind of devils themselves, they might put in for some +sort of authority in the place, and execute the office of tormentors. +This made me ask what they were. And a devil told me (with respect) that +they were a company of ungracious, left-handed wretches, that could do +nothing aright. And their grievance was that they were quartered by +themselves; but not knowing whether they were men or no, or indeed what +else to make of them, we did not know how to match them, or in what +company to put them. In the world they are looked upon as ill omens; and +let any man meet one of them, upon a journey in a morning, fasting, ’tis +the same thing as if a hare had crossed the way upon him; he presently +turns head in a discontent, and goes to bed again. Ye know that Scævola, +when he found his mistake, in killing another for Porsenna (the +secretary, for the prince) burned his right hand in revenge of the +miscarriage; now the severity of the vengeance, was not so much the +maiming or the crippling of himself, but the condemning of himself to be +for ever left-handed. And so ’tis with a malefactor that suffers +justice; the shame and punishment does not lie so much in the loss of his +right hand, as that the other is left. And it was the curse of an old +bawd, to a fellow that had vexed her, that he might go to the devil by +the stroke of a left-handed man. If the poets speak truth, (as ’twere a +wonder if they should not) the left is the unlucky side; and there never +came any good from it. And for my last argument against these creatures; +the goats and reprobates stand upon the left hand, and left-handed men +are, in effect, a sort of creature that’s made to do mischief; nay +whether I should call them men, or no, I know not. + +Hereupon, a devil beckoned me to come softly to him; and so I did, +without a word speaking or the least noise in the world. “Now,” says he, +“if you’ll see the daily exercise of ill-favoured women, look through +that lattice window.” And there I saw such a kennel of ugly bitches, you +would have blest yourself. Some, with their faces so pounced and +speckled, as if they had been scarified, and newly passed the +cupping-glass; with a world of little plaisters, long, round, square; and +briefly, cut out into such variety, that it would have posed a good +mathematician to have found out another figure; and you would have sworn +that they had been either at cat’s play or cuffs. Others, were scraping +their faces with pieces of glass; tearing up their eyebrows by the roots, +like mad; and some that had none to tear were fetching out of their black +boxes, such as they could get, or make. Others were powdering and +curling their false locks, or fastening their new ivory teeth in the +place of their old ebony ones. Some were chewing lemon peel, or +cinnamon, to countenance a foul breath; and raising themselves upon their +ciopines, that their view might be the fairer and their fall the deeper. +Others were quarrelling with their looking-glasses, for showing them such +hags’ faces: and cursing the State of Venice for entertaining no better +workmen. Some were stuffing out their bodies, like pack saddles, to +cover secret deformities: and some again had so many hoods over their +faces, to conceal the ruins, that I could hardly discern what they were; +and these passed for penitents. Others, with their pots of hog’s grease +and pomatum were sleeking and polishing their faces, and indeed their +foreheads were bright and shining, though there were neither suns nor +stars in that firmament. Some there were (in fine) that would have +fetched a man’s guts up at’s mouth, to see them with their masques of +after-births; and with their menstruous slibber slobbers, daubing one +another to take away the heats and bubos. “Nasty and abominable!” I +cried. “Well,” quoth the devil, “you see now how far a woman’s wit and +invention will carry her to her own destruction.” I could not speak one +word for astonishment at so horrid a spectacle, till I had a little +recollected myself; and then said I, “If I may deal freely without +offence, I dare defy all the devils in hell to outdo these women. But +pray’e let’s be gone, for the sight of them makes my very heart ache.” + +“Turn about then,” said the devil, and there was a fellow sitting in a +chair, all alone; never a devil near him; no fire or frost; no heat or +cold, or anything else, that I could perceive, to torment him; and yet +crying and roaring out the most hideously of anything I had yet heard in +hell; tearing his flesh, and beating his body, like a bedlam; and his +heart, all the while, bleeding at his eyes. Good Lord, thought I, what +ails this wretch, to yell out thus when nobody hurts him! So I went up +to him. “Friend,” said I, “what’s the meaning of all this fury and +transport? for, so far as I can see, there’s nothing to trouble you.” +“No, no,” says he with a horrid outcry, and with all the extravagances of +a man in rage and despair, “you do not see my tormentors; but the +all-searching eye of the Almighty sees my pains as well as my +transgressions, and with a severe and implacable justice has condemned me +to suffer punishments answerable to my crimes.” (Which words he uttered +with redoubled clamours.) “My executioners are in my soul, and all the +plagues of hell in my conscience. My memory serves me instead of a cruel +devil. The remembrance of the good I should have done, and omitted; and +of the ill I should not have done, and did. The remembrance of the +wholesome counsels I have rejected, and of the ill example I have given. +And for the aggravation of my misery; where my memory leaves afflicting +me, my understanding begins: showing me the glories and beatitudes I have +lost, which others enjoy, who have gained heaven with less anxiety and +pain than I have endured to compass my damnation. Now am I perpetually +meditating on the comforts, beauties, felicities, and raptures of +paradise, only to enflame and exasperate my despair in hell; begging in +vain but for one moment’s interval of ease, without obtaining any; for my +will is also as inexorable as either my memory or my understanding. And +these (my friend of the other world) are the three faculties of my soul, +which Divine Justice, for my sins, has converted into three tormentors, +that torture me without noise; into three flames, that burn me without +consuming. And if I chance at any time to have the least remission or +respite, the worm of my conscience gnaws my soul, and finds it, to an +insatiable hunger, an immortal aliment and entertainment.” At that word, +turning towards me with a hellish yell, “Mortal,” says he, “learn, and be +assured from me, that all those that either bury or misemploy their +talents, carry a hell within themselves, and are damned even above +ground.” And so he returned to his usual clamours. Upon this, I left +him, miserably sad and pensive. Well, thought I, what a weight of sin +lies upon this creature’s conscience! Whereupon the devil observing me +in a muse, told me in my ear, that this fellow had been an atheist, and +believed neither God nor devil. “Deliver me then,” said I, “from that +unsanctified wisdom, that serves us only for our further condemnation.” + +I was gone but a step or two aside, and I saw a world of people running +after burning chariots, with a great many souls in them, and the devils +tearing them with pincers; and before them marched certain officers, +making proclamation of their sentence, which with much ado I got near +enough to hear, and it was to this effect. “Divine Justice hath +appointed this punishment to the scandalous, for giving ill examples to +their neighbours.” And at the same time, several of the damned laid +their sins to their charge, and cried out, that ’twas ’long of them they +were thus tormented. So that the scandalous were punished both for their +own sins and for the offences of those they had misled to their +destruction. And these are they of whom ’tis said, that they had better +never have been born. + +My very soul was full of anguish, to see so many doleful spectacles; and +yet I could not but smile, to see the vintners everywhere up and down +hell, as free as if they had been in their taverns, and only prisoners +upon parole. I asked how they came by that privilege; and a devil told +me, there was no need of shackling them, or so much as shutting them up; +for there was no fear of their making a ’scape, that took so much pains +in the world, and made it their whole business to come thither. “Only,” +says he, “if we can keep them from throwing water in the fire, as they do +in their wines, we are well enough. But if you would see somewhat worth +the while, leave these fellows, and follow me; and I’ll show ye Judas and +his brethren, the stewards, and purse-bearers.” So I did as he bade me, +and he brought me to Judas, and his companions, who had no faces, divers +of them, and most of them no foreheads. + +I was well enough pleased to see him, and to be better informed; for I +had ever fancied him to be a kind of an olive-coloured, +tawny-complexioned fellow, without a beard; and an Eunuch into the +bargain: which perhaps (nay probably) he was; for nothing but a capon, a +thing unmanned, could ever have been guilty of so sordid and treacherous +a villainy, as to sell and betray his Master, with a kiss; and after +that, so cowardly, as to hang himself in despair, when he had done. I do +believe, however, what the Church says of him, that he had a carrot beard +and a red head; but it may be his beard was burnt, and as he appeared to +me in hell I could not but take him for an Eunuch, which to deal freely, +is my opinion of all the devils, for they have no hair; and they are for +the most part wrinkled and baker-legged. + +Judas was beset with a great many money-mongers and purse-bearers, that +were telling him stories of the pranks they had played, and the tricks +they had put upon their masters, after his example. Coming up to them, I +perceived that their punishment was like that of Titius, who had a +vulture continually gnawing upon his liver; for there were a number of +ravenous birds perpetually preying upon them, and tearing off their +flesh; which grew again as fast as they devoured it; a devil in the +meantime crying out, and the damned filling the whole place with clamour +and horror; Judas, with his purse, and his pot by his side, bearing a +large part in the outcry and torment. I had a huge mind (methought) to +have a word or two with Judas, and so I went to him with this greeting: +“Thou perfidious, impudent, impious traitor,” said I, “to sell thy Lord +and Master at so base a price, like an avaricious rascal.” “If men,” +said he, “were not ungrateful, they would rather pity, or commend me, for +an action so much to their advantage, and done in order to their +redemption. The misery is mine, that am to have no part myself in the +benefit I have procured to others. Some heretics there are (I must +confess to my comfort) that adore me for’t. But do you take me for the +only Judas? No, no. There have been many since the death of my Master, +and there are at this day, more wicked and ungrateful, ten thousand times +than myself; that buy the Lord of Life, as well as sell Him, scourging +and crucifying Him daily with more spite and ignominy than the Jews. The +truth is, I had an itch to be fingering of money, and bartering, from my +very entrance into the apostleship. I began, you know, with the pot of +ointment, which I would fain have sold, under colour of a relief to the +poor. And I went on, to the selling of my Master, wherein I did the +world a greater good than I intended, to my own irreparable ruin. My +repentance now signifies nothing. To conclude, I am the only steward +that’s condemned for selling; all the rest are damned for buying: and I +must entreat you, to have a better opinion of me; for if you’ll look but +a little lower here, you’ll find people a thousand times worse than +myself.” “Withdraw then,” said I, “for I have had talk enough with +Judas.” + +I went down then some few steps, as Judas directed me; and there I saw a +world of devils upon the march, with rods and stirrup-leathers in their +hands, lashing a company of handsome lasses, stark naked, and driving +them out of hell, (which methought was pity, and if I had had some of +them in a corner, I should have treated them better) with the +stirrup-leathers, they disciplined a litter of bawds. I could not +imagine why these, of all others, should be expelled the place, and asked +the question. “Oh,” says a devil, “these are our factresses in the +world, and the best we have, so that we send them back again to bring +more grist to the mill: and indeed, if it were not for women, hell would +be but thinly peopled; for what with the art, the beauty, and the +allurements of the young wenches, and the sage advice and counsel of the +bawds, they do us very good service. Nay, for fear any of our good +friends should tire upon the road, they send them to us on horseback, or +bring them themselves, e’en to the very gates, lest they should miss +their way.” + +Pursuing my journey, I saw, a good way before me, a large building, that +looked (methought) like some enchanted castle, or the picture of +ill-luck; it was all ruinous, the chimneys down, the planchers all to +pieces, only the bars of the windows standing; the doors all bedaubed +with dirt, and patched up with barrel-heads, where they had been broken. +The glass gone, and here and there a quarrel supplied with paper. I made +no doubt at first but the house was forsaken; but, coming nearer, I found +it otherwise, by a horrible confusion of tongues and noises within it. +As I came just up to the door, one opened it, and I saw in the house many +devils, thieves, and whores. One of the craftiest jades in the pack, +placed herself presently upon the threshold, and made her address to my +guide and me. “Gentlemen,” says she, “how comes it to pass, I pray’e, +that people are damned both for giving and taking? The thief is +condemned for taking away from another; and we are condemned for giving +what is our own. I do not find, truly, any injustice in our trade; and +if it be lawful to give every one their own, and out of their own, why +are we condemned?” We found it a nice point, and sent the wench to +counsel learned in the law, for a resolution in the case. Her mentioning +of thieves made me inquire after the scriveners and notaries. “Is it +possible,” said I, “that you should have none of them here? for I do not +remember that I have seen so much as one of them upon the way; and yet I +had occasion for a scrivener, and made a search for one.” “I do believe +indeed,” quoth the devil, “that you have not found any of them upon the +road.” “How then?” said I, “what, are they all saved?” “No, no,” cried +the devil, “but you must understand, that they do not foot it hither, as +other mortals; but come upon the wing, in troops like wild geese; so that +’tis no wonder you see none of them upon the way. We have millions of +them, but they cut it away in a trice, for they are damnedly rank-winged, +and will make a flight, in the third part of a minute, betwixt earth and +hell.” “But if there be so many,” said I, “how comes it we see none of +them?” “For that,” quoth the devil, “we change their names, when they +come hither once, and call them no longer notaries or scriveners, but +cats: and they are so good mousers, that though this place is large, old, +and ruinous, yet you see not so much as a rat or a mouse in hell, how +full soever of all other sorts of vermin.” “Now ye talk of vermin,” said +I, “are there any catchpoles here?” “No, not one,” says he. “How so,” +quoth I, “when I dare undertake there are five hundred rogues of the +trade for one that’s ought.” “The reason is,” says the devil, “that +every catchpole upon earth carries a hell in’s bosom.” “You have still,” +said I, crossing myself, “an aching tooth at those poor varlets.” “Why +not,” cried he, “for they are but devils incarnate, and so damnedly +versed in the art of tormenting, that we live in continual dread of +losing our places, and that His Infernal Majesty should take these +rascals into his service.” + +I had enough of this, and travelling on, I saw a little way off a great +enclosure, and a world of souls shut up in’t; some of them weeping and +lamenting without measure, others in a profound silence. And this I +understood to be the lovers’ quarter. It saddened me to consider, that +death itself could not kill the lamentations of lovers. Some of them +were discoursing their passions, and teasing themselves with fears and +jealousies; casting all their miseries upon their appetites and fancies, +that still made the picture infinitely fairer than the person. They were +for the most part troubled with a simple disease, called (as the devil +told me) “I thought.” I asked him what that was, and he answered me, it +was a punishment suitable to their offence: for your lovers, when they +fall short of their expectations, either in the pursuit or enjoyment of +their mistresses, they are wont to say, “Alas! I thought she would have +loved me; I thought she would never have pressed me to marry her; I +thought she would have been a fortune to me; I thought she would have +given me all she had; I thought she would have cost me nothing; I thought +she would have asked me nothing; I thought she would have been true to my +bed; I thought she would have been dutiful and modest; I thought she +would never have kept her gallant.” So that all their pain and damnation +comes from I thought this or that, or so, or so. + +In the middle of them was Cupid, a little beggarly rogue, and as naked as +he was born, only here and there covered with an odd kind of embroidery: +but whether it was the workmanship of the itch, pox, or measles, I could +not perfectly discover; and close by him was this inscription— + + Many a good fortune goes to wrack; + And so does many an able back; + With following whores and cards and dice, + Were poxed and beggared in a trice. + +“Aha!” said I, “by these rhymes methinks the poets should not be far +off;” and the word was hardly out of my mouth, when I discovered millions +of them through a park pale, and so I stopped to look upon them. (It +seems in hell they are not called poets now, but fools.) One of them +showed me the women’s quarter there hard by, and asked me what I thought +of it, and of the handsome ladies in it. “Is it not true,” says he, +“that a buxom lass is a kind of half chamber-maid to a man? when she has +stripped him and brought him to bed, she has done her business, and never +troubles herself any further about the helping him up again, and dressing +him.” “How now,” said I, “Have ye your quirks and conceipts in hell? In +troth ye are pleasant: I thought your edge had been taken off.” With +that, out stepped the most miserable wretch of the whole company laden +with irons: “Ah!” quoth he, “I would to God the first inventor of rhymes +and poetry were here in my place,” and then he went on with this +following and sad complaint. + + A COMPLAINT OF THE POETS IN HELL + + Oh, this damned trade of versifying + Has brought us all to hell for lying! + For writing what we do not think; + Merely to make the verse cry clink. + For rather than abuse the metre, + Black shall be white, Paul shall be Peter. + + One time I called a lady, whore; + Which in my soul she was no more + Than I am; a brave lass, no beggar, + And true, as ever man laid leg o’er. + Not out of malice, Jove’s my witness, + But merely for the verses fitness. + “Now we’re all made,” said I, “if luck hold,” + And then I called a fellow cuckold; + Though the wife was (or I’ll be hanged) + As good a wench as ever twanged. + I was once plaguely put to’t; + This would not hit, that would not do’t; + At last, I circumcised (’tis true) + A Christian, and baptized a Jew. + Nay I’ve made Herod innocent + For rhyming to Long-Parliament: + Now to conclude, we are all damned ho, + For nothing but a game at crambo. + And for a little jingling pleasure, + Condemned to torments without measure: + Which is a little hard in my sense, + To fry thus for poetic licence. + ’Tis not for sin of thought or deed, + But for bare sounds, and words we bleed: + While the cur Cerberus lies growling + In consort with our catterwowling. + +So soon as he had done. “There is not in the world,” said I, “a more +ridiculous frenzy than yours, to be poetising in hell. The humour sticks +close sure, or the fire would have fetched it out.” “Nay,” cried a +devil, “these versifiers are a strange generation of buffoons. The time +that others spend in tears and groans for their sins and follies, these +wretches employ in songs and madrigals; and if they chance to light upon +the critical minute, and get a snap at a lady, all’s worth nothing, +unless the whole kingdom ring of it, in some miserable sing-song or +other, under the name forsooth of Phyllis, Chloris, Silvia, or the like: +and the goodly idol must be decked and dressed up with diamond, pearl, +rubies, musk, and amber, and both the Indies are too little to furnish +eyes, lips, and teeth for this imaginary goddess. And yet after all this +magnificence and bounty, it would put the poor devil’s credit upon the +stretch, to take up an old petticoat in Long Lane, or a pair of +cast-shoes, at the next cobbler’s. Beside, we can give no account either +of their country or religion. They have Christian names, but most +heretical souls; they are Arabians in their hearts: and in their +language, Gentiles; but to say the truth, they fall short of the right +Pagans in their manners.” If I stay here a little longer, (said I to +myself) this spiteful devil will hit me over the thumbs ere I’m aware; +for I was half jealous, that he took me already for a piece of a poet. + +For fear of being discovered, I went my way, and my next visit was to the +impertinent devotees, whose very prayers are made up of impiety and +extravagance. Oh! what sighing was there, and sobbing! groaning and +whining! Their tongues were tied up to a perpetual silence; their souls +drooping, and their ears condemned to hear eternally the hideous cries +and reproaches of a wheezing devil, greeting them after this manner. +“Oh, ye impudent and profane abusers of prayer and holy duties! that +treat the Lord of heaven and earth in His own house, with less respect +than ye would do a merchant upon the Change, sneaking into a corner with +your execrable petitions, for fear of being overheard by your neighbours; +and yet without any scruple at all, ye can expose and offer them up to +that Eternal Purity! shameless wretches that ye are! ‘Lord,’ says one, +‘take the old man, my father, to Thyself, I beseech Thee, that I may have +his office and estate. Oh, that this uncle of mine would but march off! +There’s a fat Bishopric, and a good Deanery; I would the devil had the +incumbent so I had the dignity. Now for a lusty pot of guineas, or a +lucky hand at dice if it be Thy pleasure, and then I would not doubt of +good matches for my children. Lord, make me His Majesty’s favourite and +Thy servant; that I may get what’s convenient, and keep what I have +gotten. Grant me this, and I do here engage myself, to entertain six +blue-coats, and bind them out to good trades; to set up a lecture for +every day of the week; to give one-third part of my clear gains to +charitable uses; and another, toward the repairing of Paul’s; and to pay +all honest debts, so far as may stand with my private convenience.’ +Blind and ridiculous madness! for dust and ashes thus to reason and +condition with the Almighty! for beggars to talk of giving, and obtrude +their vain and unprofitable offerings upon the inexhaustible fountain of +riches and bounty! To pray for those things as blessings, which are +commonly showered down upon us for our confusion and punishment. And +when, in case your wishes take effect, what becomes of all the sacred +vows and promises ye made, in storms, (perhaps) sickness or adversity? so +soon as ye have gained your port, recovered your health; or patched up a +broken fortune, you show yourselves, all of ye, a pack of cheats; your +vows and promises are not worth so many rushes: they are forgotten with +your dreams; and to keep a promise upon devotion, that you made out of +necessity, is no article of your religion. Why do ye not ask for peace +of conscience? Increase of grace? The aid of the Blessed Spirit? But +you are too much taken up with the things of this world, to attend those +spiritual advantages and treasures; and to consider, that the most +acceptable sacrifices and obligations you can make to the Almighty, are +purity of mind, an humble spirit, and a fervent charity. The Almighty +takes delight to be often called upon, that He may often pour down His +blessings upon His petitioners. But such is the corruption of human +nature, that men seldom think of Him, unless under afflictions; and +therefore it is that they are often visited; for by adversity they are +brought to the knowledge and exercise of their duty. I would now have +you consider, how little reason there is in your ordinary demands. Put +case you have your asking; what are you the better for the grant? since +it fails you at last; because you did not ask aright. When you die, your +estate goes to your children; and for their parts, you are scarce cold, +before you are forgotten. You are not to expect they should bestow much +upon works of charity; for if nothing went that way while you were +living, they’ll live after your example when you are dead. And, beside, +there’s no merit in the case.” At this word some of the poor creatures +were about to reply; but the devils had put barnacles upon their lips, +that hindered them. + +From thence, I went to the witches and wizards; such as pretend to cure +man and beast by charms, words, amulets, characters: and these were all +burning alive. “These,” says a devil, “are a company of cozening rogues; +the most accursed villains in nature. If they help one man, they kill +another, and only remove the disease from a worse to a better: and yet +there’s no great clamour against them neither; for if the patient +recover, he’s well enough content, and the doctor gets both reputation +and reward for his pains. If he dies, his mouth is stopped, and forty to +one the next heir does him a good turn for the dispatch. So that, hit or +miss, all is well at last. If you enter into a debate with them about +their remedies, they’ll tell you, they learned the mystery of a certain +Jew; and there’s the original of the secret. Now to hear these quacks +give you the history of their cures, is beyond all the plays and farces +in the world. You shall have a fellow tell you of fifteen people that +were run clean through the body, and glad for a matter of three days to +carry their puddings in their hands; that in four-and-twenty hours he +made them as whole as fishes, and not so much as a scar for a remembrance +of the orifice. Ask him, when and where? you’ll find it some twelve +hundred leagues off, in a _terra incognita_, by the token, that at that +time he was physician in ordinary to a great prince that died about +five-and-twenty years ago.” + +“Come, come,” cried a devil, “make an end of this visit, and you shall +see those now that Judas told you were ten times worse than himself.” I +went along with him, and he brought me to a passage into a great hall, +where there was a damned smell of brimstone, and a company of +match-makers, as I thought at first; but they proved afterward to be +alchymists, and the devils examining them upon interrogatories, who were +filthily put to’t, to understand their gibberish. Their talk was much of +the planetary metals; gold they called Sol; silver, Luna; tin, Jupiter; +copper, Venus. They had about them their furnaces, crucibles, coal, +bellows, clay, minerals, dung, man’s blood, powders, and alembics. Some +were calcining, others washing, here purifying, there separating. Fixing +what was volatile in one place, and rarefying what was fix in another. +Some were upon the work of transmutation, and fixing of mercury with +monstrous hammers upon an anvil. And after they had resolved the vicious +matter, and sent out the subtler parts, that they came to the coppel, all +went away in fume. Some again were in a hot dispute, what fuel was best; +and whether Raymund Lullius his fire, and no fire, could be anything else +than lime; or otherwise to be understood of the light effective of heat, +and not of the effective heat of fire. Others were making their entrance +upon the great work, after the hermetical method. Here they were +watching the progress of their operations, and making their observations +upon proportions and colour. While all the rest of these blind oracles +lay waiting for the recovery of the _materia prima_, till they brought +themselves to the last cast both of their lives and fortunes, and instead +of turning base metals and materials into gold, as they pretended, they +made the contrary inversion, and were glad at length to take up with +beggarly fools and false coiners. What a stir was there, with crying +out, ever and anon! “Look ye, look ye! the old father is got up again; +down with him, down with him;” what glossing and commenting upon the old +chymical text, that says, “Blessed be Heaven, that has ordered the most +excellent thing in nature out of the vilest.” “If so,” quoth one, “let’s +try if we can fetch the Philosopher’s Stone out of a common strumpet, +which is of all creatures undoubtedly the vilest.” And the word was no +sooner out, but a matter of three-and-twenty whores went to pot, but the +flesh was so cursedly mawmish and rotten, that they soon gave over the +thought of that projection. And then they entered upon a fresh +consultation, and concluded, _nemine contradicente_, that the +mathematicians, by that rule, were the only fit matter to work upon; as +being most damnably dry, (to say nothing of their divisions among and +against themselves) so that with one voice, they called for a parcel of +mathematicians, to the furnace, to begin the experiment. But a devil +came in just in the God-speed, and told them, “Gentlemen philosophers,” +says he, “if you would know the wretchedest and most contemptible thing +in the world, it is an alchymist: and we are of opinion, that you’ll make +as good philosopher’s stones as the mathematicians. However, for +curiosity’s sake, we’ll try for once.” And so he threw them all together +into a great caldron; and to say the truth, the poor snakes suffered very +contentedly; out of a desire, I suppose, to help on toward the perfecting +of the operation. + +On the other side were a knot of astrologers, and one among the rest that +had studied chiromancy or palmistry, who took all the damned by the +hands, one after another. One he told, that it was as plain as the nose +on his face, that he was to go to the devil, for he perceived it by the +Mount of Saturn. “You,” says he to another, “have been a swindging +whore-master in your days; I see that by the Mount of Venus here, and by +her girdle.” And in short, every man’s destiny he read in his fist. +After him advanced another, creeping upon all four, with a pair of +compasses betwixt his teeth, his spheres and globes about him, his +Jacob’s staff before him, and his eyes upon the stars, as if he were +taking a height or making an observation. When he had gazed a while, up +he starts of a sudden, and, wringing his hands, “Good Lord,” says he, +“what an unlucky dog was I! If I had come into the world but one half +quarter of an hour sooner, I had been saved; for just then Saturn +shifted, and Mars was lodged in the house of life.” One that followed +him, bade his tormentors be sure he was dead; “for,” says he, “I am a +little doubtful of it myself; in regard that I had Jupiter for my +ascendant, and Venus in the house of life, and no malevolent aspect to +cross me. So that by the rules of astrology, I was to live, precisely, a +hundred years and one, two months, six days, four hours, and three +minutes.” The next that came up was a geomancer; one that reduced all +his skill to certain little points, and by them would tell you, as well +things past as to come: these points he bestowed at a venture, among +several unequal lines; some long, others shorter, like the fingers of a +man’s hand; and then, with a certain ribble-rabble of mysterious words, +he proceeds to his calculation, upon even or odd, and challenges the +whole world to allow him the most learned and infallible of the trade. + +There were divers great masters of the science that followed him. As +Haly, Gerard, Bart’lemew of Parma, and one Toudin; a familiar friend, and +companion of the great Cornelius Agrippa, the famous conjurer, who though +he had but one soul was yet burning in four bodies. (I mean the four +damnable books he left behind him.) There was Trithemius too, with his +polygraphy and stenography; that had devils now, his belly-full, though +in his lifetime his complaint was, that he could never have enough of +their company; over against him was Cardan; but they could not set their +horses together, because of an old quarrel, whether was the more impudent +of the two. And there I saw Misaldus, tearing his beard, in rage, to +find himself pumped dry; and that he could not fool on, to the end of the +chapter. Theophrastus was there too, bewailing himself for the time he +had spent at the alchymist’s bellows. There was also the unknown author +of _Clavicula Solomonis_, and _The Hundred Kings of Spirits_, with the +composer of the book, _Adversus Omnia pericula Mundi_; Taysnerus too, +with his book of _Physiognomy_ and _Chiromancy_; and he was doubly +punished, first for the fool he was, and then for those he had made. +Though, to give the man his due, he knew himself to be a cheat, and that +he that gives a judgment upon the lines of a face takes but a very +uncertain aim. There were magicians, necromancers, sorcerers, and +enchanters innumerable, beside divers private boxes that were kept for +lords and ladies; and other personages of great quality, that put their +trust in these disciples of the devil, and go to Strand Bridge or +Billiter Lane, for resolution in cases of death, love, or marriage, and +now and then to recover a gold watch or a pearl necklace. + +Not far from these were a company of handsome women, that were tormented +in the quality of witches, which grieved my very heart to see it; but to +comfort me, “What?” says a devil, “have you so soon forgot the roguery of +these carrions? Have you not had trial enough yet of them? they are the +very poison of life, and the only dangerous magicians that corrupt all +our senses, and disturb the faculties of your soul; these are they that +cozen your eyes with false appearances, and set up your wills in +opposition to your understanding and reason.” “’Tis right,” said I, “and +now you mind me of it, I do very well remember, that I have found them +so; but let’s go on and see the rest.” + +I was scarce gone three steps farther, but I was got into so hideous a +dark place that it was e’en a mercy we knew where we were. There was +first at the entrance, Divine Justice, which was most dreadful to behold; +and a little beyond stood Vice, with a countenance of the highest pride +and insolence imaginable; there was Ingratitude, Malice, Ignorance, +obstinate and incorrigible Infidelity, brutish and headstrong +Disobedience, rash and imperious Blasphemy, with garments dipped in +blood, eyes sparkling, and a hundred pair of chops, barking at +Providence, and vomiting rage and poison. I went in (I confess) with +fear and trembling, and there I saw all the sects of idolaters and +heretics, that ever yet appeared upon the stage of the universe; and at +their feet, in a glorious array, was lascivious Barbara, second wife to +the Emperor Sigismund, and the queen of harlots: one that agreed with +Messalina in this, that virginity was both a burden and a folly; and that +in her whole life she was never either wearied or satisfied; but herein +she went beyond her, in that she held the mortality as well of the soul +as of the body; but she was now better instructed, and burnt like a +bundle of matches. + +Passing forward still, I spied a fellow in a corner, all alone, with the +flames about his ears, gnashing his teeth and blaspheming through fury +and despair. I asked him what he was, and he told me he was Mahomet. +“Why, then,” said I, “thou art the damnedest reprobate in hell, and hast +brought more wretches hither than half the world beside: and Lucifer has +done well to allot thee a quarter here by thyself, for certainly thou +hast well deserved the first place in his dominions. But since every man +chooses to talk of what he loves, I prithee, good impostor, tell me, +what’s the reason that thou hast forbidden wine to all thy disciples?” +“Oh,” says he, “I have made them so drunk with my Alchoran they need no +tipple.” “But why hast thou forbidden them swines’ flesh too?” said I. +“Because,” says he, “I would not affront the jambon; for water upon +gammon would be false heraldry. And beside I never loved my people well +enough to afford them the pleasure, either of the grape or the spare-rib. +Nay, and for fear they should chance to grope out the way to heaven, I +have established my power and my dominion by force of arms; without +subjecting my laws to idle disputes and discourses of reason. Indeed +there is little of reason in my precepts, and I would have as little in +their obedience. A world of disciples I have, but I think they follow me +more out of appetite than religion, or for the miracles I work. I allow +them liberty of conscience; they have as many women as they please, and +do what they list, provided they meddle not with the Government. But +look about ye now, and you’ll find that there are more knaves than +Mahomet.” + +I did so, and found myself presently surrounded with a ring of heretics, +and their adherents; many of which were ready to tear out the throats of +their leaders. One among the rest was beset with a brace of devils, and +either of them a pair of bellows, puffing into each ear fire instead of +air, which made him a little hot-headed. There was another, that, as I +was told, was a kind of a symoniac, and had taken up his seat in a +pestilential chair; but it was so dark I could not well discern whether +it was a Pope or a Presbyter. + +By this time I had enough of hell, and began to wish myself out again; +but as I was looking about for a retreat, I stumbled upon a long gallery +before I was aware: and there I saw Lucifer himself, with all his +nobility about him, male and female. (For let married men say their +pleasure, there are she-devils too,) I should have been at a damned loss +what to do, or how to behave myself among so many strange faces, if one +of the ushers had not come to me, and told me, that, being a stranger, it +was His Majesty’s pleasure I should enter and have free liberty of seeing +what was there to be seen. We exchanged a couple or two of compliments, +and then I began to look about me, but never did I see a palace so +furnished, nor indeed comparable to it. + +Our furniture at the best is but a choice collection of dead and dumb +statues, or paintings, without life, sense, or motion; but there, all the +pieces were animated, and no trash in the whole inventory; there was +hardly anything to be seen, but emperors and princes, with some few +(perhaps) of their choicest nobility and privados. The first bank was +taken up by the Ottoman family; and after them sat the Roman emperors, in +their order; and the Roman kings down to Tarquin the proud; beside +highnesses and graces, lords spiritual and temporal innumerable. My +lungs began now to call for a little fresh air, and I desired my guide to +show me the way out again. “Yes, yes, with all my heart,” says he, +“follow me then:” and so he carried me away by a back passage into +Lucifer’s house of office, where there was I know not how many ton of Sir +Reverence, and bales of flattering panegyrics, not to be numbered; all of +them licensed, and entered according to order. I could not but smile at +this provision of tail-timber, and my guide took notice of it, who was a +good kind of a damned droll. But I called still to be gone, and at +length he led me to a little hole like the vent of a vault, and I crept +through it as nimbly as if the devil himself had given me a lift at the +crupper; when, to my great wonder, I found myself in the park again, +where I begun my story: not without an odd medley of passions, partly +reflecting upon what others endured, and in part upon my own condition of +ease and happiness, that had deserved, perhaps, the contrary as well as +they. This thought put me upon a resolution of leading such a course of +life, for the future, that I might not come to feel these torments in +reality which I had now only seen in vision. + +And I must here entreat the reader to follow my example, without making +any further experiment; and likewise not to cast an ill construction upon +a fair meaning. My design is to discredit and discountenance the works +of darkness, without scandalising of persons; and since I speak only of +damned, I’m sure no honest man alive will reckon this discourse a satire. + + * * * * * + + THE END OF THE SIXTH VISION + + + + +THE SEVENTH VISION OF HELL REFORMED + + +THERE happened lately so terrible an uproar, and disorder in hell, that +(though it be a place of perpetual outrage and confusion) the oldest +devil there never knew the fellow of it; and the inhabitants expected +nothing less than an absolute topsy-turvy and dissolution of their +empire. The devils fell upon the damned; and the damned fell upon the +devils, without knowing one from t’other: and all running helter-skelter, +to and again, like mad; for, in fine, it was no other than a general +revolt. This hurly-burly lasted a good while, before any mortal could +imagine the meaning of it; but at length there came certain intelligence +of a monstrous talker, a pragmatical, meddling undertaker, and an old +bawd of a gouvernante, that had knocked off their shackles, and made all +this havoc: which may give the reader to understand what kind of cattle +these are, that could make hell itself more dangerous and unquiet. + +Lucifer, in the meantime, went yelping up and down, and bawling for +chains, handcuffs, bolts, manacles, shackles, fetters, to tie up his +prisoners again; when, in the middle of his career, he and the babbler or +talker I told ye of met full-butt; and after a little staring one another +in the face, upon the encounter, the babbler opened. “Prince mine,” says +he, “you have a pack of lazy, droning devils in your dominions, that look +after nothing but sit with their arms and legs across, and leave all your +affairs at six and seven. And you have divers abroad too, upon +commission, that have stayed out their time, and yet give you no account +of their employment.” The gouvernante, who had been blowing the coal and +whispering sedition from one to another, chanced to pass by in the +interim, and, stopping short, addressed herself to Lucifer: “Look to +yourself,” she cried, “there is a desperate plot upon your diabolical +crown and dignity. There are two tyrants in’t, three parasites, a world +of physicians, and whole legions of lawyers and attorneys. One word more +in your ear. There is among them a mongrel priest (a kind of a +lay-elder) that will go near to sit upon your skirts, if you have not a +care of him.” + +At the very name of priest and lay-elder Lucifer looked as pale as death, +stood stone-still, as mute as a fish, and in his very looks discovered +his apprehensions. After a little pause he roused himself as out of a +trance: “A priest do ye say? a lay-elder? tyrants? lawyers? physicians? +A composition to poison all the devils in hell, and purge their very guts +out.” With that, away he went to visit the avenues and set his guards, +and who should he met next but the meddler, in a monstrous haste and +hurry. “Nay then,” says he, “here is the forerunner of ill-luck. But +what’s the matter?” “The matter?” cried the meddler; and then with a +huge deal of tedious and impertinent circumstance, he up and told him +that a great many of the damned had contrived an escape; and that there +was a design to call in four or five regiments of hypocrites and usurers, +under colour forsooth of establishing a better intelligence betwixt earth +and hell, with a hundred other fopperies; and had gone on till this time, +if Lucifer would have found ears. But he had other fish to fry; for neck +and all was now at stake; and so he went about his business of putting +all in a posture, and strengthening his guards. And for the further +security of his royal person, he entertained into his own immediate +regiment several reformadoes of the society, that he particularly knew to +be no flinchers. + +He began his survey in the vault and dungeons, among his jailers and +prisoners. The make-bate babbler marched in the van, breathing an air +that kindled and inflamed wherever he passed, without giving any light +(setting people together by the ears, they know not why). In the second +place the gouvernante, as full of news and tittle-tattle as she could +hold, and telling her tale all the way she went. In the breech of her +followed the meddler, leering as he passed along, first on one side then +on the other, without ever moving his head, and making fair with every +soul he saw in’s way. He gave one a bow, t’other a kiss; “Your most +humble servant,” to a third; “Can I serve you, sir,” to a fourth: but +every compliment was worse to the poor creatures than the fire itself. +“Ah, traitor!” says one; “for pity’s sake away with this new tormentor!” +cries another. “This fellow is hell upon hell,” says a third. As he +trudged on there was a rabble of rascals got together; and in the middle +of the crowd a most eminent knight of the post, a (great master of his +trade) that was reading a lecture to that venerable assembly, of the +noble mystery of swearing and lying; and would have taught any man in one +quarter of an hour to prove anything upon oath, that he never saw nor +heard of in his life. This doctor had no sooner cast his eye upon the +inter-meddler, but up he started in a fright. “How now,” says he, “is +that devil here? I came hither on purpose to avoid him; and if I could +but have dreamt he’d have been in hell, beyond all dispute I’d have gone +myself to paradise.” + +As he was speaking we heard a great and a confused noise of arms, blows, +and outcries; and presently we discovered several persons falling one +upon another like lightning; and in short with such a fury, that ’tis not +for any tongue or pen to describe the battle. One of them appeared to be +an emperor; for he was crowned with laurel, and surrounded with a grave +sort of people, that looked like counsellors or senators; and had all the +old statutes and records at their finger’s end: by which they endeavoured +to make it out, that a king might be killed in his personal capacity, and +his politic capacity never the worse for’t. And upon this point were +they at daggers drawn with the emperor. Lucifer came then roundly up to +him, and with a voice that made hell quake, “What are you, sir,” says he, +“that take upon you thus in my dominions?” “I am the great Julius +Cæsar,” quoth he, “that in this general tumult thought to have revenged +myself upon Brutus and Cassius, for murdering me in the Senate, under +colour (forsooth) of asserting the common liberty: whereas these traitors +did it merely out of envy, avarice, and ambition. It was the emperor, +not the empire they hated. They pretended to destroy me, for introducing +a monarchy; but did they overthrow the monarchy itself? No; but on the +contrary, they confirmed it; and did more mischief, in taking away my +life than I did in dissolving their republic. However, I died an +emperor, and these villains carried only the infamy and brand of +regicides to their graves, and the world has ever since adored my memory +and abhorred theirs. Tell me,” quoth he, “ye cursed bloodhounds,” +(turning toward them) “whether was your government better, think ye, in +the hands of your senators, a company of talking gown-men, that knew not +how to keep it, or in the hands of a soldier that won it by his merit? +It is not the drawing of a charge, or making of a fine oration, that fits +people for government; nor will a crown sit well upon the head of a +pedant; but let him wear it that deserves it. He is the true patriot +that advances the glory of his country, by actions of bravery and honour. +Which has more right to rule, think ye, he that only knows the laws, or +he that maintains them? The one only studies the government; the other +protects it. Wretched republic! Thou call’st it freedom to obey a +divided multitude, and slavery to serve a single person; and when a +company of covetous little fellows are got together, they must be styled +fathers of their country, forsooth; and shall one generous person take up +with the name of tyrant? Oh! how much better had it been for Rome to +have preserved that one son that made her mistress of the world, than +that multitude of fathers, who by so many intestine wars rendered her but +a stepmother to her own children. Barbarous and cruel that you are! so +much as to mention the name of a commonwealth, considering that since the +people tasted of monarchy they have preferred even the worst of princes +(as Nero, Tiberius, Caligula, Heliogabalus, etc.) before your tribe of +senators.” + +This discourse of Cæsar’s struck Brutus with exceeding shame and +confusion; but at length, with a feeble and trembling voice, he delivered +himself to this effect. “Gentlemen of the Senate,” says he, “do ye not +hear Cæsar? or will ye add sin to sin, and suffer all the blame to be +cast upon the instruments, when you yourselves were the contrivers of the +villainy? Why do ye not answer? for Cæsar speaks to you, as well as to +us. Cassius and myself were but your bravoes, and governed by your +persuasions and advice, little dreaming of that insatiable ambition that +lay lurking under the gravity of your long beards and robes. But ’tis +the practice of you all, to arraign that tyranny in the prince, which you +would exercise yourselves: in effect, when you have gotten power, and the +colour of authority in your hands, it is more dangerous for a prince not +to comply with you than for a vassal to rebel against his prince. To +what end served your perfidious and ungrateful treason? Make answer to +Cæsar. But for our parts, in the conscience of our sin, we feel the +severity of our punishment.” + +At these words a hollow-eyed, supercilious senator (that had been of the +conspiracy, and was then blazing like a pitched barrel) raised himself, +and with a faint voice asked Cæsar what reason he had to complain! “For, +prince,” says he, “if King Ptolomy murdered Pompey the Great, upon whose +score he held his kingdom, why might not the Senate as well kill you, to +recover what you had taken from them? And in the case betwixt Cæsar and +Pompey, let the devils themselves be judges. As for Achilles (who was +one of the murderers) what he did, was by Ptolomy’s command, and then he +was but a free-booter neither, a fellow that got his living by rapine and +spoil: but Cæsar was undoubtedly the more infamous of the two. ’Tis +true, you wept at the sight of Pompey’s head, but such tears as were more +treacherous than the steel that killed him. Ah cruel compassion and +revengeful piety! that made thee a more barbarous enemy to Pompey, dead +than living. Oh that ever two hypocrite eyes should creep into the first +head of the world! To conclude, the death of Cæsar had been the recovery +of our republic, if the multitude had not called in others of his race to +the government, which rendered thy fall the very hydra of the empire.” + +We had had another skirmish upon these words, if Lucifer had not +commanded Cæsar to his cell again, upon pain of death; and there to abide +such correction as belonged to him, for slighting the warnings he had of +his disaster. Brutus and Cassius too were turned over to the politic +fools: and the senators were dispatched away to Minos and Rhadamanthus, +and to sit as assistants in the devils’ bench. + +After this I heard a murmuring noise, as of people talking at a distance, +and by degrees I made it out that they were wrangling and disputing still +louder and louder, till at length it was but a word and a blow, and the +nearer I came the greater was the clamour. This made me mend my pace; +but before I could reach them, they were all together by the ears in a +bloody fray: they were persons of great quality all of them, as emperors, +magistrates, generals of armies. Lucifer, to take up the quarrel, +commanded them peace and silence, and they all obeyed, but it vexed them +to the hearts to be so taken off in the full career of their fury and +revenge. The first that opened his mouth was a fellow so martyred with +wounds and scars, that I took him at first for an indigent officer; but +it proved to be Clitus (as he said himself). And one at his elbow told +him, he was a saucy companion, for presuming to speak before his time; +and so desired audience of Lucifer, for the high and mighty Alexander, +the son of Jupiter, and the emperor and terror of the world: he was going +on with his qualities and titles; but an officer gave the word, Silence, +and bade Clitus begin; which he took very kindly, and told his story. + +“If it may please your Majesty,” says he, “I was the first favourite of +this emperor, who was then lord of all the known world, bare the title of +the King of Kings, and boasted himself for the son of Jupiter Hammon; and +yet after all this glory and conquest, he was himself a slave to his +passions: he was rash and cruel, and consequently incapable either of +counsel or friendship. While I lived I was near him, and served him +faithfully; but it seems he did not entertain me so much for my fidelity +as to augment the number of his flatterers; but I found myself too honest +for a base office; and still as he ran into any foul excesses, I took a +freedom, with all possible modesty, to show him his mistakes. One day, +as he was talking slightly of his father Philip (that brave prince, from +whom he received as well his honour as his being) I told him frankly what +I thought of that ingratitude and vanity, and desired him to treat his +dead father with more reverence, as a prince worthy of eternal honour and +respect. This commendation of Philip so inflamed him, that presently he +took a partisan and struck me dead in the place with his own hand. After +this, pray’e where was his divinity, when he gave Abdolominus, (a poor +garden-weeder) the kingdom of Sidonia, which was not, as the world would +have it, out of any consideration of his virtue, but to mortify and take +down the pride and insolence of the Persians. Meeting him here just now +in hell, I asked him what was become of his father Jupiter now, that he +lay so long by’t, and whether he were not yet convinced that all his +flatterers were a company of rascals, who with their incense and altars +would persuade him that he was of divine extraction and heir-apparent to +the throne and thunder of Jupiter. This now was the ground of our +quarrel. But, invectives apart, who but a tyrant would have put a loyal +subject to death, only for his affection and regards to the memory of his +dead father? how barbarously did he treat his favourites, Parmenio, +Philotas, Calisthenes, Amintas, etc., so that good or bad is all a case, +for ’tis crime enough to be the favourite of a tyrant; as, in the course +of human life, every man dies because he is mortal, and the disease is +rather the pretext of his death than the cause of it.” “You find now,” +says Satan, “that tyrants will show their people many a dog trick, when +the humour takes them. The good they hate, for not being wicked; and the +bad, because they are no worse. How many favourites have you ever seen +come to a fair and timely end? Remember the emblem of the sponge, and +that’s the use that princes make of their favourites: they let them suck +and fill, and then squeeze them for their own profit.” + +At that word there was heard a lamentable cry, and at the same time a +venerable old man, as pale as if he had no blood in his veins, came up to +Lucifer, and told him that his emblem of the sponge came very pat to his +case; “for,” says he, “I was a great favourite, and a great hoarder of +treasure, a Spaniard by birth, the tutor and confidant of Nero, and my +name is Seneca. Indeed his bounties were to excess, he gave me without +asking, and in taking I was never covetous but obedient. It is in the +nature of princes, and it befits their quality, to be liberal where they +take a liking, both of honour and fortunes; and ’tis hard for a subject +to refuse, without some reflection upon the generosity or discretion of +his master. For ’tis not the merit or modesty of the vassal, but the +glory of the prince that is in question; and he is the best subject that +contributes the most to the splendour and reputation of his sovereign. +Nero indeed gave me as much as such a prince could bestow, and I managed +his liberalities with all the moderation imaginable; yet all too little +to preserve me from the strokes of envious and malicious tongues, which +would have it, that my philosophising upon the contempt of the world was +nothing else but a mere imposture, that with less danger and notice I +might feed and entertain my avarice, and with the fewer competitors. +Finding my credit with my master declining, it stood me upon to provide +some way or other for my quiet, and to withdraw myself from being the +mark of a public envy. So I went directly to Nero, and with all possible +respect and humility made him a present back again of his own bounties. +The truth is, I had so great a passion for his service, that neither the +severity of his nature nor the debauchery of his manners could ever deter +me from exhorting him to nobler courses, and paying him all the duties of +a loyal subject. Especially in cases of cruelty and blood, I laid it +perpetually home to his conscience, but all to little purpose; for he put +his mother to death, laid the city of Rome in ashes, and indeed +depopulated the empire of honest men. And this drew on Piso’s +conspiracy, which was better laid than executed; for upon the discovery, +the prime instruments lost their lives; and by Divine Providence this +prince was preserved, in order (as one would have thought) to his +repentance and change of life. But upon the issue the conspiracy was +prevented, and Nero never the better. At the same time he put Lucan to +death, only for being a better poet than himself. And if he gave me my +choice what death to die, it was rather cruelty than pity; for in the +very deliberation which death to choose, I suffered all even in the +terror and apprehension that made me refuse the rest. The election I +made was to bleed to death in a bath, and I finished my own dispatches +hither; where, to my further affliction, I have again encountered this +infamous prince, studying new cruelties and instructing the very devils +themselves in the art of tormenting.” + +At that word Nero advanced, with his ill-favoured face and shrill voice. +“It is very well,” says he, “for a prince’s favourite or tutor to be +wiser than his master; but let him manage that advantage then with +respect, and not like a rash and insolent fool make proclamation +presently to the world, that he’s the wiser of the two. While Seneca +kept himself within those bounds, I lodged him in my bosom, and the love +I had for that man was the glory of my government; but when he came to +publish once (what he should have dissembled or concealed) that it was +not Nero but Seneca that ruled the empire, nothing less than his blood +could make satisfaction for so intolerable a scandal, and from that hour +I resolved his ruin. And I had rather suffer what I do a hundred times +over than entertain a favourite that should raise his credit upon my +dishonour. Whether I have reason on my side or no, I appeal to all this +princely assembly: draw near, I beseech ye, as many as are here, and +speak freely, my royal brethren, Did ye ever suffer any favourite to +escape unpunished, that had the impudence to write [I and my king] to +make a stale of majesty, and to publish himself a better statesman than +his master?” “No, no,” they cried out all with one voice, “it never was, +and never shall be endured, while the world lasts: for we have left our +successors under an oath to have a care on’t. ’Tis true, a wise +counsellor at a prince’s elbow is a treasure, and ought to be so esteemed +while he makes it his business to cry up the abilities and justice of his +sovereign; but in the instant that his vanity transports him to the +contrary, away with him to the dogs, and down with him, for there’s no +enduring of it.” + +“All this,” cried Sejanus, “does not yet concern me; for though I had +indeed more brains than Tiberius, yet I so ordered it that he had the +credit in public of all my private advices. And so sensible he was of my +services, that he made me his partner and companion in the empire; he +caused my statues to be erected, and invested them with sacred +privileges. ‘Let Sejanus live,’ was the daily cry of the people; and in +truth, my well-being was the joy of the empire; and far and near there +were public prayers and vows offered up for my health. But what was the +end of all? When I thought myself surest in my master’s arms and favour, +he let me fall, nay he threw me down, caused me to be cut in pieces, +delivering me up to the fury of a barbarous and enraged multitude, that +dragged me along the streets, and happy was he that could get a piece of +my flesh to carry upon a javelin’s point in triumph. And it had been +well if this inhuman cruelty had stopped here; but it extended to my poor +children, who, though unconcerned in my crimes, were yet to partake in my +fate. A daughter I had, whom the very law exempted from the stroke of +justice, because of her virginity; but to clear that scruple, she was +condemned first to be ravished by the hangman, and then to be beheaded, +and treated as her father. My first failing was upon temerity and pride: +I would outrun my destiny, defy fortune; and for Divine Providence I +looked upon it as a ridiculous thing. When I was once out of the way, I +thought doing worse was somewhat in order to being better; and then I +began to fortify myself by violence, against craft and malice. Some were +put to death, others banished, till, in fine, all the powers of heaven +and earth declared themselves against me. I had recourse to all sorts of +ill people and means. I had my physician for poisoning, my assassins for +revenge; I had my false witnesses and corrupt judges; and, in truth, what +instruments of wickedness had I not? And all this, not upon choice or +inclination, but purely out of the necessity of my condition. Whenever I +should come to fall, I was sure to be forsaken both of good and bad; and +therefore I shunned the better sort, as those that would only serve to +accuse me; but the lewd and vicious I frequented, to increase the number +of my complices, and make my party the stronger. But, after all, if +Tiberius was a tyrant, I’ll swear he was never so by my advice; but, on +the contrary, I have suffered more from him for plain dealing and +dissuading him, than the very subjects of his severity have commonly +suffered by him. I know, ’tis charged upon me, that I stirred him up to +cruelty, to render him odious, and to ingratiate myself to the people. +But who was his adviser, I pray ’e, in this butcherly proceeding against +me? Oh Lucifer, Lucifer! you know very well that ’tis the practice of +tyrants, when they do amiss themselves, and set their people a-grumbling, +to lay all the blame (and punishment too) upon the instrument; and hang +up the minister for the master’s fault. ‘This is the end of all +favourites,’ cries one; ‘Not a halfpenny matter if they were all served +so,’ says another. And every historian has his saying upon this +catastrophe, and sets up a buoy to warn after-ages of the rock of court +favours. The greatness of a favourite, I must confess, proclaims the +greatness of his maker; and the prince that maintains what he has once +raised does but justify the prudence of his own choice; and whenever he +comes to undo what he has done, publishes himself to be light and +unconstant, and does as good as declare himself (even against himself) of +the enemy’s party.” + +Up stepped Plaintain then, (Severus his favourite) he that was tossed out +of a garret window to make the people sport. “My condition in the +world,” says he, “was perfectly like that of a rocket or fire-work: I was +carried up to a prodigious height in a moment, and all people’s eyes were +upon me, as a star of the first magnitude; but my glory was very +short-lived, and down I fell into obscurity and ashes.” After him, +appeared a number of other favourites; and all of them hearkening to +Bellisarius the favourite of Justinian, who, blind as he was, had already +knocked twice with his staff, and shaking his head, with a weak and +complaining voice, desired audience; which was at length granted him, +silence commanded; and he said, as follows. + +“Princes,” said he, “before they destroy the creatures they have raised +and chosen, should do well to consider, that cruelty and inconstancy is +much a greater infamy to a prince than the worst effects of it can be to +a favourite. For my own part, I served an emperor that was both a +Christian and a great lover and promoter of justice. And yet, after all +the services I had done him, in several battles and adventures, (insomuch +that he was effectually become my debtor, for the very glory of his +empire) my reward, in the end, was to have my eyes put out, and (with a +dog and a bell) to be turned a-begging from door to door. Thus was that +Bellisarius treated, whose very name formerly was worth an army, and he +was the soul of his friends as well as the terror of his enemies. But a +prince’s favour is like quick-silver—restless and slippery, never to be +fixed, never secured. Force it, and it spends itself in fumes; sublime +it, and ’tis a mortal poison. Handle it only, and it works itself into +the very bones; and all that have to do with it, live and die pale and +trembling.” + +At these words, the whole band of favourites, set up a hideous and a +heavy groan, trembling like aspen leaves, and at the same time reciting +several passages out of the Prophet Habbakuk, against careless and wicked +governors. By which threatenings is given to understand, that the +Almighty, when He has a mind to destroy a wicked ruler, does not always +punish one potentate by another, and bring His ends about by a trial of +arms, or the event of a battle; but many times makes use of things the +most abject and vile, to confound the vanity and arrogance of the mighty; +and makes even worms, flies, caterpillars, and lice to serve Him as the +ministers of His terrible justice; nay, the stone in the wall and the +beam in the house shall rise in judgment against them. + +This discourse might have gone further, but that the company presently +parted, to know the meaning of a sudden noise and clatter they heard, +that half-deafened the auditory. And what was it at last? but a scuffle +between the Gown-men and the Brothers of the Blade; and there were +persons of great honour and learning, young and old, engaged in the fray; +the men of war were at it dashing with their swords, and the gentlemen of +the long robe, fencing, some with tostatus, others with huge pandects, +that with their old wainscot covers were as good as bucklers, and would +now and then give the foe a heavy rebuke, over and above. The combat had +certainly been very bloody, if one of Lucifer’s constables had not +commanded them in the king’s name to keep the peace; which made it a +drawn battle. And with that, one of the combatants, with the best face +he had, said aloud, “If ye knew, gentlemen, either us, or our quarrel, +you’d say we had reason, and perhaps side with us.” At that instant, +there appeared Domitian, Commodus, Caracalla, Phalaris, Heliogabalus, +Alcetes, Andronicus, Busiris, and old Oliver, with a world of great +personages more; which, when Lucifer saw, he disposed himself to treat +that majestical appearance, as much to their satisfaction as was +possible. And then came up a grave ancient man, with a great train at +his heels, that were all bloody, and full of the marks they had received +under the persecution of these tyrants. + +“You have here before ye,” quoth the old man, “Solon; and these are the +seven sages, native of Greece, but renowned throughout the universe. He +there in the mortar is that Anaxarchus that was pounded to death by +command of Nicocreon. He with the flat nose is Socrates; the little +crump-shouldered wretch was the famous Aristotle; and t’other there, the +divine Plato. Those in the corner are all of the same profession too, +grave and learned philosophers, that have displeased tyrants with their +writings; and, in fine, the world is stored with their works and hell +with the authors. To come to the point, most mighty Lucifer, we are all +of us dealers in politics, great writers and deep-read men in the maxims +of State and Government. We have digested policy into a method, and laid +down certain rules, by which princes may make themselves great and +beloved. We have advised them impartially to administer justice; to +reward virtue, as well military as civil; to employ able men, banish +flatterers; to put men of wisdom and integrity in places of trust; to +reward or punish without passion, and according to the merits of the +cause, as God’s vice-gerents. And this now is our offence. We name no +body, we design no body; but ’tis crime enough to wish well to the way +and to the lovers of virtue.” With that, turning toward the tyrants. +“Oh most unjust princes,” said he, “those glorious kings and emperors +from whom we took the model of our laws and instructions are now in a +state of rest and comfort, while you are tormented. Numa is now a star +in the firmament and Tarquin a fire-brand in hell. And the memory of +Augustus and Trajan is still fresh and fragrant, when the names of Nero +and Sardanapalus are more putrid and odious than their bodies.” + +When Dionysius the tyrant heard this, (with his companions about him) +flesh and blood could hold no longer; and he cried out in a rage, “That +roguy philosopher has told a thousand lies. Legislators, with a pox? +Yes, yes, they are sweet legislators, and princes have many a fair +obligation to them. No, no, sirrah,” says he to Solon, “you are all of +you a company of quacks; ye prate and speculate of things ye don’t +understand; and with your damned moralities set the people agog upon +liberty, cry up the doctrine of free-born subjects, and then our portion +is persecution in one world and infamy in t’other.” + +“We shall have a fine time on’t, my most gracious prince,” cried Julian +the apostate, staring Lucifer in the face, “when these dunghill pedants, +a company of cock-brained, ridiculous, mortified, ill-bred, beggarly +tatterdemalions, shall come to erect a committee for politics, and pass +sentence upon governors and governments; stiling themselves (forsooth) +the supporters of both, without any more skill than my horse in what +belongs to either. Tell me,” says he, “if a brave prince had not better +be damned than subject himself to hear one of these turdy-facy-paty-nasty +lowsie-fartical rascals, with a scabbed head and a plantation of lice in +his beard, and his eyes crept into the nape of his neck, pronouncing, for +an aphorism, that a prince that looks only to one is a tyrant, and that a +true king is the shepherd and servant of his people. Ah, rash and +besotted coxcombs! If a king looks only to others, who shall look to +him? As if princes had not enemies enough abroad, without being so to +themselves too. But you may write your hearts out, and never the nearer. +Where’s our sovereignty? if we have not our subjects’ lives and estates +at our mercy. And where’s our absolute power? if we submit to the +counsels of our vassals. If we have not to satisfy our appetites, +avarice and revenge, we want power to discharge the noblest ends of +government. These contemplative idiots would have us make choice of good +officers, to keep the bad in order; which were a madness, in our +condition. Let them be complaisant, and no matter for any other merit or +virtue. A parcel of good offices, handsomely disposed among a pack of +cheats and atheists, will make us a party another day; whereas all is +lost that’s bestowed upon honest men, for they’re our enemies; speak +truth then all of ye, and shame the devil; for the butcher fats his sheep +only for the shambles. + +“I have said enough, I suppose, to stop your mouths, but here’s an orator +will read you another-gates lecture of politics than any you have had +yet, if you’ll give him the hearing. Photinus, advance,” said Julian, +“and speak your mind;” whereupon there appeared a brazen-faced fellow, +with a hanging look and twenty other marks of a desperate villain who, +with a hellish yell, and three or four wry mouths for a prologue, brake +into his discourse. + +The wicked advice of one of Ptolomy’s courtiers, about the killing of +Pompey: taken out of Lucan’s _Pharsalia_, Lib. 8. + +“Methinks, under favour (most renowned Ptolomy) we are now slipped into a +debate, a little beside the business. The question is whether Pompey +should be delivered up to Cæsar, or no. That is to say, whether in +reason of state it ought to be done; and we are formalising the matter, +whether in point of equity and justice it may be done. Bodies politic +have no souls, and never did any great prince turn a council of state +into a court of conscience, but he repented it. Kingdoms are to be +governed by politicians, not by casuists; and there is nothing more +contrary to the true interest of crowns and empires, than in public cases +to make a scruple of private duties. The argument is this: Pompey is in +distress; and Ptolomy under an obligation, so that it were a violation of +faith and hospitality not to relieve him. Now give me leave to reason in +the other way. Pompey is forsaken, and persecuted by the Gods; Cæsar +upon the heels of him, with victory and success. Shall Ptolomy now ruin +himself, to protect a fugitive, against both heaven and Cæsar! I must +confess, where honesty and profit are both of a side, ’tis well; but, +where they disagree, the prince that does not quit his religion, for his +convenience, falls into a direct conspiracy against himself. He shall +lose the hearts of his soldiery, and the reputation of his power. +Whereas, on the contrary, the most hateful tyrant in the world shall be +able to keep his head above water, let him but give a general licence to +commit all sorts of wickedness; you’ll say ’tis impious, but I say, what +if it be? who shall call you to account? These deliberations are only +for subjects that are under command, and not for sovereign princes whose +will is a law.” + + Exeat Aulâ + Qui volet esse pius, + + He was never cut out + For a Court, that’s devout. + +“In fine, since either Pompey or Ptolomy must suffer, I am absolutely for +the saving of Ptolomy, and the presenting of Pompey’s head, without any +more ado, to Cæsar. A dead dog will never bite.” + +Photinus had no sooner made an end, but Domitian appeared in a monstrous +rage, and lugging of poor Suetonius after him like a bear to the stake. +“There is not in nature,” says he, “so damned a generation of scribbling +rogues as these historians. We can neither be quiet for them, living nor +dead: for they haunt us in our very graves; and when they have vented the +humour and caprice of their own brains, that forsooth must be called, The +Life of such an Emperor. And, for an instance, I’ll show ye what this +impertinent chronicler says of myself. ‘He had squandered away his +treasure,’ says he, ‘in expensive buildings, comedies, and donatives to +the soldiers.’ + +“Now would I fain know which way it could have been better employed. + +“In another place, he says, that ‘Domitian had some thoughts of easing +himself in his military charges, by reducing the number; but that he +durst not do, for fear some of his neighbours should put an affront upon +him. So that, to lick himself whole, he fell to raking and scraping +whatever he could get, either from dead or living; and any rascal’s +testimony was proof enough for a confiscation: for there needed no more +to undo an honest man, than to tell a tale at court that such a one had +spoken ill of the prince.’ + +“Is this the way of treating majesty? what could this impudent pedant +have said worse, if he had been speaking of a pick-pocket or a pirate? +But princes and thieves are all one to them. + +“He says further, that ‘Domitian made seizure of several estates, without +any sort of right whatsoever; and there went no more to his title than +for a false witness to depose that he heard the defunct declare, before +he died, that he made Cæsar his heir. He set such a tax upon the Jews, +that many of them denied their religion to avoid it; and I remember that, +when I was a young fellow, I saw an old man of fourscore and ten taken +upon suspicion by one of Domitian’s spies, and turned up in a public +assembly, to see if he were circumcised.’ + +“Be ye now judges, gentlemen of the Black Guard, if this be not a most +intolerable indignity. Am I to answer for the actions of my inferior +officers? It amazes me that my successors should ever endure these +scandalous reports to be published, especially against a prince that had +laid out so much money in repairing the libraries that were burnt.” + +“It is very true,” said Suetonius in a doleful tone, “and I have not +forgotten to make mention of it to your honour. But what will you say, +if I show you, in a warrant under your hand, this execrable and impious +blasphemy? It is the command of your Lord and God. And in fine, if I +speak nothing but truth, where’s your cause of complaint? I have written +the Lives too of the great Julius Cæsar, and the divine Augustus, and the +world will not say but I have done them right. But for yourself, and +such as you, that are effectually but so many incarnate and crowned +plagues, what fault have I committed in setting before your eyes those +tyrannies, which heaven and earth cannot but look upon with dread and +horror?” + +This discourse of Suetonius was interrupted by the babbler, or Boutefeu, +that rounded Lucifer in the ear, and told him, “Look ye, sir,” says he, +pointing with his finger, “that limping devil there, that looks as if he +were surbated with beating the hoof, has been abroad in the world, this +twenty year, and is but just now come back again.” “Come hither, +sirrah,” cries Lucifer; and so the poor cur went wriggling and glotting +up toward his prince. “You are a fine rogue to be sent of an errand, are +ye not?” says Lucifer, “to stay twenty year out, and come back again e’en +as wise as ye went: what souls have ye brought now? or what news from +t’other world?” “Ha! your highness,” quoth the devil, “has too much +honour and justice to condemn me unheard. Wherefore be pleased to +remember, that at my going out you gave me charge of a certain merchant; +it cost me the first ten year of my time to make him a thief, and ten +more to keep him from turning honest again, and restoring what he had +stolen.” “A fine fetch for a devil this, is it not?” cried Lucifer. +“But hell is no more the hell it was when I knew it first, than chalk is +cheese; and the devils nowadays are so damnedly insipid and dry, they’re +hardly worth the roasting. A senseless puppy to come back to me with a +story of Waltham’s calf, that went nine mile to suck a bull. But he’s +not master of his trade yet.” And with that Lucifer bade one of his +officers take him away and put him to school again; “for I perceive he’s +a rascal,” says he, “and he has e’en been roguing at a play-house, when +he should have been at church.” In that instant, from behind a little +hill, a great many men came running as hard as they could drive after a +company of women: the men crying out, “Stop, stop,” and the women crying +for help. Lucifer commanded them all to be seized, and asked what was +the matter. “Alas, alas!” cried one of the men, quite out of breath, +“these carrions have made us fathers, though we never had children.” +“Govern your tongue, sirrah,” cried a devil of honour, out of respect to +the ladies, “and speak truth: for ’tis utterly impossible you should be +fathers without children.” “Pardon me,” said the fellow, “we were +married men, and honest men and good house-keepers, and have born offices +in the parish, and have children that call us fathers; but ’tis a strange +thing, we have been abroad some of us by the seven year together; others, +as long bed-rid; and so impotent, that the civilians would have put us +_inter frigidos et maleficiatos_: and yet our wives have brought us every +year a child, which we were such fools as to keep and bring up, and give +ourselves to the devil at last to get them estates; out of a charitable +persuasion (forsooth) they might yet be our own, though for a +twelve-month together (perhaps) we never so much as examined whether our +wives were fish or flesh. But now since the mothers are dead, and the +children grown up, we have found the tools that made them. One has the +coachman’s nose, another the gentleman-usher’s legs, a third a +cousin-german’s eyes. And some, we are to presume, conceived purely by +strength of imagination, or else by the ears like weazels.” + +Thereupon appeared a little remnant of a man, a dapper Spaniard, with a +kind of a besome-beard, and a voice not unlike the yapping of a foysting +cur. As he came near the company, he set up his throat, and called out, +“Ah jade!” says he, “I shall now take ye to task, ye whore you, for +making me father my negro’s bastard, and for the estate I settled upon +him. I did ever misdoubt foul play, but should never have dreamt of that +ugly toad, when there was such choice of handsome, lusty young fellows +about us; but it may be she had them too. I cursed the monks many and +many a time, I remember, to the pit of hell, heaven forgive me for’t; for +the strumpet would be perpetually gadding abroad, under colour of going +to confession, and in sooth I was never any great friend to penance and +mortification. And then would I be easing my mind ever and anon to this +cursed Moor. ‘I cannot imagine,’ said I, ‘where this mistress of thine +should commit all the sins that she goes every hour of the day to confess +at yonder monastery.’ And then would this dog-Moor answer me. ‘Alas, +good lady! I would e’en venture my soul with hers with all my heart; she +spends all her time you see in holy duties.’ I was at that time so +innocent, that I suspected nothing more than a pure respect and civility +to my wife; but I have learnt better since, and that effectually his soul +and hers were commonly ventured in the same bottom; yes, and their bodies +too, as I perceive by their magpie issue, for the bastards take after +both father and mother.” + +“So that at this rate,” cried the adopted fathers, “the husband of a +whore has a pleasant time on’t. First, he’s subjected to all the +pukings, longings, and peevish importunities, that a breeding woman gives +those about her till she’s laid; and then comes the squalling of the +child, and the twittle-twattle-gossipings of the nurse and midwife, that +must be well treated too, well lodged, and well paid. ‘A sweet baby,’ +says one (to the jade the mother on’t) ‘’tis e’en as like the father as +if he had spit it out on’s mouth; it has the very lips, the very eyes of +him,’ when ’tis no more like him than an apple is like an oyster. And, +in conclusion, when we have borne all this, and twenty times more in +t’other world with a Christian patience, we are hurried away to hell, and +here we lie a company of damned cuckolds of us; and here we are like to +lie, for ought I see, in _sæcula sæculorum_: which is very hard, and in +truth out of all reason.” + +I cut this visit short, to see what news in a deep vault near at hand, +where we heard a great bustle and contest betwixt divers souls and the +devils. There were the presumptuous, the revengeful, and the envious, +gaping and crying out as they would break their hearts. “Oh, that I +could but be born again!” says one; “Oh, that I might back into the world +again!” says another; “Oh, that I were but to die once more!” cries a +third. Insomuch that they put the devils out of all patience, with their +impertinent and unprofitable wishes and exclamations. “Hang yourselves,” +cried they, “for a pack of cozening, bawling rascals: you live again? and +be born again? and what if you might do’t a thousand times over? You +would only die at last a thousand times greater villains than now you +are, and there would be no clearing hell of you with a dog-whip. +However, to try you and make you know yourselves, we have commission to +let you live again and return. Up then ye varlets, go, be born again; +get ye into the world again. Away,” cried the devils, with a lusty lash +at every word, and thrust hard to have got them out. But the poor rogues +hung an arse, and were struck with such a terror, to hear of living +again, and returning, that they slunk into a corner, and lay as quiet +upon’t, as lambs. + +At length, one of the company that seemed to have somewhat more brain and +resolution than his fellows, entered very gravely upon the debate, +whether they should go out or no. “If I should now,” says he, “at my +second birth, come into the world a bastard, the shame would be mine, +though my parents committed the fault; and I should carry the scandal and +the infamy of it to my grave. Now put case, my mother should be honest, +(for that’s not impossible) and that I came into the world, legitimate; +how many follies, vices, and diseases are there that run in a blood! Who +knows, but I should be mad, or simple? swear, lie, cheat, whore; nay if I +came off, with a little mortification of my carcase, as the stone, the +scurvy, or the noble pox, I were a happy man. But oh the lodging, the +diet, and the cookery that I am to expect for a matter of nine months in +my mother’s belly; and then the butter and beer that must be spent to +sweeten me, when I change my quarter. I must come crying into the world, +and live in ignorance even of what life is till I die; and then as +ignorant of death too, till ’tis passed. I fancy my swaddling-clouts and +blankets to be worse than my winding-sheet; my cradle represents my tomb. +And then who knows, whether my nurse shall be found, or no? She’ll +over-lay me perhaps; leave me some four and twenty hours, it may be, +without clean clouts, and a pin or two all the while, perchance, up to +the hilts in my backside. And then follows breeding of teeth, and worms; +with all the gripes and disorders that are caused by unwholesome milk. +These miseries are certain, and why should I run them over again? + +“If it happen that I pass the state of infancy, without the pox or +measles, I must be then packed away to school, to get the itch, a scaled +head, or a pair of kibed heels. In winter, ’tis ten to one you find me +with a snotty nose, and perpetually under the lash, if I either miss my +lesson or go late to school. So that hang him, for my part, that would +be born again, for any thing I see yet. + +“When I come up toward man, the women will have me as sure as a gun, for +they have a thousand ginnes and devices to catch wood-cocks; and if ever +I come to set eye upon a lass that understands dress and raillery, I’m +gone, if there were no more lads in Christendom. But, for my part, I am +as sick as a dog, of powdering, curling, and playing the ladybird. I +would not for all the world be in the shoemaker’s stocks, and choke +myself over again in a straight doublet, only to have the ladies say, +‘Look, what a delicate shape and foot that gentleman has.’ And I would +take as little pleasure to spend six hours, of the four and twenty, in +picking grey hairs out of my head or beard, or turning white into black. +To stand half ravished in the contemplation of my own shadow; to dress +fine, and go to church only to see handsome ladies; to correct the +midnight air with ardent sighs and ejaculations; and to keep company with +owls and bats, like a bird of evil omen; to walk the round of a mistress’ +lodging, and play at bo-peep at the corner of every street; to adore her +imperfections, (or as the song says, — for her ugliness, and for her want +of coin); to make bracelets of her locks, and truck a pearl necklace for +a shoestring. At this rate, I say, cursed again and again be he, for my +part, that would live over again so wretched a life. + +“Being come now to write full man, if I have an estate how many cares, +suits, and wrangles go along with it! If I have none, what murmuring and +regret at my misfortunes! By this time, the sins of my youth are gotten +into my bones; I grow sour and melancholy; nothing pleases me; I curse +old age to ten thousand devils; and the youth which I can never recover +in my veins, I endeavour to fetch out of the barbers’ shops, from +perruques, razors, and patches, to conceal, or at least disguise all the +marks and evidences of Nature in her decay. Nay, when I shall have never +an eye to see with nor a tooth left in my head, gouty legs, wind-mills in +my crown, my nose running like a tap, and gravel in my reins by the +bushel, then must I make oath that all this is nothing but mere accident, +gotten by lying in the field, or the like, and out-face the truth in the +very teeth of so many undeniable witnesses. There is no plague +comparable to this hypocrisy of the members. To have an old fop shake +his heels, when he’s ready to fall to pieces; and cry, these legs would +make a shift yet to play with the best legs in the company; and then, +with a lusty thump on’s breast, fetch ye up a hem, and cry, ‘Sound at +heart, boy,’ and a thousand other fooleries of the like nature. But all +this is nothing to the misery of an old fellow in love, especially if he +be put to gallant it against a company of young gamesters. Oh the inward +shame and vexation, to see himself scarce so much as neglected. It +happens sometimes that a jolly lady, for want of better entertainment, +may content herself with one of these reverend fornicators, instead of a +whetstone; but alack, alack! the poor man is weak though willing; and +after a whole night spent in cold and frivolous pretences and excuses, +away he goes with torments of rage and confusion about him, not to be +expressed; and many a heavy curse is sent after him for keeping a poor +lady from her natural rest to so little purpose. How often must I be put +to the blush too, when every old toast shall be calling me old +acquaintance, and telling me, ‘Oh sir, ’tis many a fair day since you and +I knew one another first. I think ’twas in the four and thirtieth of the +Queen, that we were school-fellows. How the world’s altered since!’ etc. +And then must my head be turned to a _memento mori_; my flesh dissolved +into rheums; my skin withered and wrinkled; with a staff in my hand, +knocking the earth at every trembling step, as if I called upon my grave +to receive me; walking, like a moving phantosme; my life little more than +a dream; my reins and bladder turned into a perfect quarry; and the +urinal or pisspot my whole study. My next heir watching, every minute, +for the long-looked-for and happy hour of my departure; and in the +meantime, I’m become the physician’s revenue, and the surgeon’s practice, +with an apothecary’s shop in my guts; and every old jade calling me +grandsire. No, no; I’ll no more living again, I thank ye: one hell +rather than two mothers. + +“Let us now consider the comforts of life, the humours and the manners. +He that would be rich must play the thief or the cheat; he that would +rise in the world must turn parasite, informer, or projecter. He that +marries ventures fair for the horn, either before or after. There is no +valour without swearing, quarrelling, or hectoring. If ye are poor, +nobody owns ye. If rich, you’ll know nobody. If you die young, ‘What +pity it was,’ they’ll say, ‘that he should be cut off thus in his prime.’ +If old, ‘He was e’en past his best; there’s no great miss of him.’ If +you are religious, and frequent the church and the sacrament, you’re an +hypocrite; and without this, you’re an atheist or an heretic. If you are +gay and pleasant, you pass presently for a buffoon; and if pensive and +reserved, you are taken to be sour and censorious. Courtesy is called +colloguing and currying of favour; downright honesty and plain-dealing is +interpreted to be pride and ill manners. This is the world; and for all +that’s in’t I would not have it to go over again. If any of ye, my +masters,” said he to his camerades, “be of another opinion, hold up your +hands.” “No, no,” they cried all unanimously, “no more generation-work, +I beseech ye; better the devils than the midwives.” + +After this came a testator, cursing and raving like a bedlam, that he had +made his last will and testament. “Ah villein!” said he, “for a man to +murder himself as I have done! If I had not sealed, I had not died. Of +all things, next a physician, deliver me from a testament. It has killed +more than the pestilence. Oh miserable mortals, let the living take +warning by the dead, and make no testaments. It was my hard luck, first +to put my life into the physician’s power, and then, by making my will, +to sign the sentence of death upon myself, and my own execution. ‘Put +your soul and your estate in order,’ says the doctor, ‘for there’s no +hope of life;’ and the word was no sooner out, but I was so wise and +devout (forsooth) as to fall immediately upon the prologue of my will, +with an _In nomine Domini_, Amen, etc. And when I came to dispose of my +goods and chattels I pronounced these bloody words (I would I had been +tongue-tied when I did it), ‘I make and constitute my son, my sole +executor. _Item_, to my dear wife, I give and bequeath all my plays and +romances, and all the furniture in the rooms upon the second storey. To +my very good friend T. B. my large tankard, for a remembrance. To my +foot-boy Robin, five pound to bind him prentice. To Betty, that tended +me in my sickness, my little caudle-cup. To Mr. Doctor, my fair table +diamond, for his care of me in my illness.’ After signing, and sealing, +the ink was scarce dry upon the paper, but methought the earth opened as +if it had been hungry to devour me. My son and my legatees were +presently casting it up, how many hours I might yet hold out. If I +called for the cordial julep, or a little of Dr. Gilbert’s water, my son +was taking possession of my estate, my wife so busy about the beds and +hangings that she could not intend it. The boy and the wench could +understand nothing but about their legacies. My very good friend’s mind +was wholly upon his tankard. My kind Dr. I must confess took occasion, +now and then, to handle my pulse, and see whether the diamond were of the +right black water, or no. If I asked him what I might eat, his answer +was, ‘Anything, anything, e’en what you please yourself.’ At every groan +I fetched, they were calling for their legacies, which they could not +have till I was dead. + +“But if I were to begin the world again, I think I should make another +kind of testament. I would say: ‘A curse upon him that shall have my +estate when I am dead, and may the first bit of bread he eats out on’t +choke him. The devil in hell take what I cannot carry away, and him too, +that straggles for’t, if he can catch him. If I die, let my boy Robin +have the strappado, three hours a day, to be duly paid him during life. +Let my wife die of the pip, or the mother (not a halfpenny matter which), +but let her first live long enough to plague the damned doctor, and +indite him for poisoning her poor husband.’ To speak sincerely, I can +never forgive that dog-leech. Was it not enough to make me sick when I +was well, without making me dead when I was sick? And not to rest there +neither, but to persecute me in my grave too. But, to say the truth, +this is only neighbours’ fare; for all those fools that trust in them are +served with the same sauce. A vomit or a purge is as good a passport +into the other world as a man would wish. And then, when our heads are +laid, ’tis never to be endured the scandals they cast upon our bodies and +memories! ‘Heaven rest his soul,’ cries one, ‘he killed himself with a +debauch.’ ‘How is’t possible,’ says another, ‘to cure a man that keeps +no diet?’ ‘He was a madman,’ cries a third, ‘a mere sot, and would not +be governed by his physician. His body was as rotten as a pear, he had +as many diseases as a horse, and it was not in the power of man to save +him. And truly ’twas well that his hour was come, for he had better a +great deal die well than live on as he did.’ Thieves and murtherers that +ye are, you yourselves are that hour ye talk of. The physician is only +death in a disguise, and brings his patient’s hour along with him. Cruel +people! Is it not enough to take away a man’s life, and like common +hangmen to be paid for’t when ye have done, but you must blast the honour +too of those you have dispatched, to excuse your ignorance? Let but the +living follow my counsel, and write their testaments after this copy, +they shall live long and happily, and not go out of the world at last +like a rat with a straw in his arse (as a learned author has it) or be +cut off in the flower of their days, by these counterfeit doctors of the +faculty of the close-stool.” + +The dead man plied his discourse with so much gravity and earnestness, +that Lucifer began to believe what he said. But because all truths are +not to be spoken, especially among the devils, where hardly any are +admitted; and for fear of mischief, if the doctors should come to hear +what had been said, Lucifer presently ordered the fellow to be gagged, or +put in security for his good behaviour. + +His mouth was no sooner stopped but another was opened; and one of the +damned came running cross the company, and so up and down, back and +forward (like a cur that had lost his master) bawling as if he had been +out of his wits, and crying out, “Oh! where am I? Where am I? I am +abused, I am choused; what’s the meaning of all this? Here are damning +devils, tempting devils, and tormenting devils, but the devil a devil can +I find of the devils that brought me hither; they have gotten away my +devils; where are they? Give me my devils again.” + +It might well make the company stare, to see a fellow hunting for devils +in hell, where they swarm in legions. But as he was in this hurry, a +gouvernante caught him by the arm, and gave him a half turn and stopped +him. “Old lucky-bird,” says she, “if thou wantest devils here, where +dost expect to find them?” He knew her as soon as he saw her. And “Art +thou here old Beelzebub in a petticoat?” said he, “the very picture of +Satan, the coupler of male and female, the buckle and thong of lechery, +the multiplier of sin and the guide of sinners, the seasoner of rotten +mutton, the interpretress betwixt whores and knaves, the preface to the +remedy of love, and the prologue to the critical minute. Speak, and +without more ado, tell me, where are the devils and their dams that +brought me hither? These are none of them. No, no; I am not such an +awfe as to be trepanned and spirited away by devils with tails, horns, +bristles, wings, that smell as if they had been smoked in a +chimney-corner. The devils that I look for are worse than these. Where +are the mothers that play the bawds to their own daughters? and the aunts +that do as much for their nieces, and make them caper and sparkle like +wild-fire? The black-eyed girls that carry fire in their eyes, and +strike as sure as a lance from the rest of a cavalier? Where are the +flatterers that speak nothing but pleasing things? The make-bates and +incendiaries, that are the very canker of human society? Where are the +story-mongers? The masters of the faculty of lying? that report more +than they hear, affirm more than they know, and swear more than they +believe. Those slanderous backbiters, that like vultures prey only upon +carrion? Where are the hypocrites that turn devotion into interest, and +make a revenue of a commandment? That pretend ecstasy when they are +drunk, and utter the fumes and dreams of their luxury and tipple for +revelations? That make chapels of their parlours, preachments of their +ordinary entertainments, and everything they do is a miracle. They can +divine all that’s told them, and raise people to life again; that +counterfeit sick, when they should work, and give an honest man to the +devil with a _Deo gratias_. These are the devils I would be at; these +are they that have damned me; look them out, and find them for me, ye +impudent hag, or I shall be so bold as to search your French hood for +them.” And with that word he fell on upon the poor gouvernante, tore off +her head-gear, and laid about him so furiously that there would have been +no getting him off, if Lucifer had not made use of his absolute authority +to quiet him. + +Immediately upon the composing of this fray we heard the shooting of bars +and bolts, the opening of doors and hinges that creaked for want of +grease, and a strange humming of a great number of people. The first +that appeared were a company of bold, talkative, and painted old women; +but as bonny and gamesome, tickling and toying with one another, as if +they had never seen thirteen; and carrying it out with an air of much +satisfaction and content. The babbler was somewhat scandalised at their +behaviour, and told them how ill they did to be merry in hell; and +several others admired it as much, and asked them the reason of it, +considering their condition. With that one of the gang, that was +wretchedly thin and pale, and raised upon a pair of heels that made her +legs longer than her body, told Lucifer, with great respect, that at +their first coming they were as sad as it was possible for a company of +damned old jades to be. “But,” says she, “we were a little comforted +when we heard of no other punishments here, than weeping and gnashing of +teeth, and in some hope to come off upon reasonable terms; for we have +not among us all so much as a drop of moisture in our bodies, nor a tooth +in our heads.” “Search them presently,” cried the intermeddler, “squeeze +the balls of their eyes, and let their gums be examined, you’ll find +snags, stumps, or roots; or enough of somewhat or other there to spoil +the jest.” Upon the scrutiny they were found so dry that they were good +for nothing in the world but to serve for tinder or matches, and so they +were disposed of into the devils’ tinder-boxes. + +While they were casing up the old women there came on a number of people +of several sorts and qualities, that called out to the first they saw, +“Pray’e gentlemen,” said they, “before we go any further, will ye direct +us to the court of rewards?” “How’s that,” cried one of the company, “I +was afraid we had been in hell, but since you talk of rewards I hope ’tis +but purgatory.” “Good, good,” said the whole multitude, “you’ll quickly +find where you are.” “Purgatory!” cried the intermeddler, “you have left +that up the hill there, upon the right hand. This is hell, and a place +of punishment; here’s no registry of rewards.” “Then we are mistaken,” +said he that spake first. “How so?” cried the intermeddler. “You shall +hear,” said the other, “we were in the Other world entitled to the order +of the squires of the pad, and borrowed now and then a small sum upon the +King’s highway; we understood somewhat too of the cross-bite and the use +of the frail dye. Some of our conscientious and charitable friends would +fain have drawn us off from the course we were in, and, to give them +their due, bestowed a great deal of good counsel upon us to very little +purpose; for we were in a pretty way of thriving, and had gotten a habit +and could not leave it. We asked them, ‘What would you have us do? +Money we have none, and without it there’s no living; should we stay till +it were brought, or came alone? How would ye have a poor _individuum +vagum_ to live? that has neither estate, office, master, nor friend to +maintain him, and is quite out of his element unless he be either in a +tavern, a bawdy-house, or a gaming ordinary. Now, that’s the man that +Providence has appointed to live by his wits.’ Our advisers saw there +was no good to be done, and went their way, telling us that in the other +world we should meet with our reward. + +“They would tell us some time, how base a thing it was to defame the +house and abuse the bed of a friend. Our answer was ready, ‘Well! and +had we not better do it there where the house is open to us, the master +and lady kind, the occasion fair and easy, than to run a caterwauling +into a family where every servant in the house is a spy, and (perhaps) a +fellow behind every door in the house with a dagger or pistol in his hand +to entertain us.’ Upon this, our grave counsellors finding us so +resolute, e’en gave us over, and told us as before, that in the other +world we should meet with our reward. Now taking this to be the other +world these honest men told us of, we are inquiring after the rewards +they promised us.” + +“Abominable scoundrels!” said an officer of justice, there at hand, “how +many of your reprobated companions have squandered away their fortunes +upon whores and dice, exposing not only their wives and children but many +a noble family to a shameful and irreparable ruin; and let any man put in +a word of wholesome advice, their answer is, ‘Tush, tush; our wives and +children are in the hands of Providence; and let Him provide for the +rooks, that feeds the ravens.’ Then was it told ye, you should find your +reward in the other world; and the time is now come wherein ye shall +receive it; up, up then, ye cursed spirits, and away with them.” At +which word a legion of devils fell on upon the miserable caitiffs, with +whips and firebrands, and gave them their long-expected reward; and at +every lash a voice was heard to say, “In the other world you shall +receive your reward;” these wretches, in the meanwhile, damning and +sinking themselves to the pit of hell, still, as if they had been upon +earth, and vomiting their customary and execrable blasphemies. + +Just as this storm blew over there drew near a multitude of bailiffs, +sergeants, Catchpoles, and other officers of prey, with the thieves’ +devil, bound hand and foot, and a foul accusation against him. Whereupon +Lucifer, with a fell countenance, took his seat in a flaming chair, and +called his officers about him. So soon as the prince had taken his +place, a certain officer began his report. “Here is before thee,” quoth +he, “a devil, most mighty Lucifer, that stands charged with ignorance in +his trade; and the shame of his quality and profession, instead of +damning men, he has made it his business to save them.” The word save +put the court in such a rage, that they bit their lips till the blood +started and the fire sparkled at their eyes; and Lucifer, turning about +to his attorney, “Who would ever have imagined,” said he, “that so +treacherous a rascal could have been harboured in my dominions?” “It is +most certain, my gracious lord,” replied the attorney, “that this devil +has been very diligent in drawing people into thefts and pilferies, and +then, when they come to be discovered, they are clapped up and hanged, or +some mischief or other. But still, before execution, the ordinary calls +them to shrift; and many times the toy takes them in the head to confess +and repent, and so they are saved. Now this silly devil thinks, that +when he has brought them to steal, murder, coin, and the like, he has +done his part, and so he leaves them; whereas he should stick close to +them in the prison, and be tempting of them to despair and make away +themselves. But when they are once left to the priest, he commonly +brings them to a sight of their sins, and they ’scape. Now this simple +devil was not aware, it seems, that many a soul goes to heaven from the +gallows, the wheel, and the faggot: and this failing has lost your +Highness many a fair purchase.” “Here’s enough,” cried the president, +“and there needs no more charge against him.” The poor devil thought it +was high time to speak now, when they were just upon the point of passing +his sentence; and so he cried out, “My lord,” said he, “I beseech you +hear me; for though they say the devil is dead, it is not meant of your +greatness.” So there was a general silence, and thus he proceeded. + +“I cannot deny, my lord, but Tyburn is the way to paradise, and many a +man goes to heaven from the gallows. But if you will set those that are +damned for condemning others, against those that are saved from the +gallows, hell will be found no loser by me at the foot of the account. +How many marshal’s-men, turn-keys, and keepers have I sent ye for letting +a coiner give them the slip now and then, with his false money (always +provided they leave better money instead on’t). How many false witnesses +and knights of the post, that would set their consciences like clocks to +go faster or slower, according as they had more or less weight, and swear +_ex tempore_, at all rates and prices! How many solicitors, attorneys, +and clerks, that would draw ye up a declaration or an indictment, so +slyly, that I myself could hardly discover any error in’t; and yet, when +it came to the test, it was as plain as the nose on a man’s face (that is +to say again, provided they were well paid for the fashion). How many +jailers that would wink at an escape for a lusty bribe! And how many +attorneys that would give ye dispatch or delay thereafter, as they were +greased! Now, after all this, what does it signify, if one thief of a +thousand comes to the gallows? he only suffers because he was poor, that +there may be the better trading for the rich, and without any design in +the world to suppress stealing. Nay, it often falls out, that they that +bring the malefactor to the gibbet are the worse criminals of the two. +But they are never looked after; or, if they should be, they have tricks +and fetches enough to bring themselves off; so that it fares in this +case, as it did with him that had his house troubled with rats, and would +needs take in a company of cats to destroy them: the rats would be +nibbling at his cheese, his bacon, a crust of bread, and now and then a +candle’s end; but when the cats came, down went a milk-bowl, away goes a +brace of partridges or a couple of pigeons, and the poor man must content +himself to go supperless to bed. In the conclusion, the rats were +troublesome, but the cats were intolerable. And then there’s this in’t: +Suppose one poor fellow hangs and goes to heaven: I do but give him in +truck for two hundred, at least, that deserve to be hanged but ’scape and +go to hell at last. Beside, a thief upon a gibbet is as good as a +roasted dog in a pigeon house; for ye shall immediately have two or three +thousand witches about him, for snips of his halter, an eye-tooth, or a +collop of his fat, which is of sovereign use in many of their charms. +But, in fine, let me do what I will my services are not understood. My +successor, it may be, will discharge his duty better, and indeed I am +very well content to lay down my commission; for (to say the truth) I am +in years, and would gladly have a little rest now, in my old age, which I +rather propose to myself in the service of some pretender than where I +am.” + +Lucifer heard him with great patience, and, in the end, gave him all the +satisfaction imaginable; strictly charging the evil spirits that had +abused him to do so no more, upon hazard of pains corporal and spiritual; +and they desired him, too, that he would not lay down his employment, for +he was strong enough yet to do very good service in it. But to think of +easing himself, by going to a pretender, he’d find himself mistaken, for +’twas a duty he’d never be able to endure. “Well!” says he, “e’en what +your Highness pleases. But truly I thought a devil might have lived very +comfortably in that condition; for he has no more to do, that I can see, +than to keep his ears open, and learn his trade. For put case it should +be some pretender to a good office, or a fat bishopric (though the +fathers and councils are against pretenders in this case) I fancy to +myself all the pleasure and divertisement that may be. It is as good as +going to school, for these people teach the devils their A B C. And all +that we have to do is to sit still and learn.” + +The vision that followed this was the dæmon of tobacco, which I must +confess did not a little surprise me. I have indeed often said to +myself, “Certainly these smokers are possessed;” but I could never swear +it till now. “I have,” said the devil, “by bringing this weed into +Spain, revenged the Indians upon the Spaniards for all the massacres and +butcheries they committed there, and done them more mischief than ever +Colon, Cortes, Almero, Pizarro did in the Indies: by how much it is more +honourable to die upon a sword’s point by gunshot, or at the mouth of a +cannon, than for a man to snivel and sneeze himself into another world; +or to go away in a meagrim or a spotted fever, perchance, which is the +ordinary effect of this poisonous tobacco. It is with tobacconists as +’tis with demoniacs under an exorcism, they fume and vapour, but the +devil sticks to them still. Many there are that make a very idol of it; +they admire, they adore it, tempting and persecuting all people to take +it, and the bare mention of it puts them into an ecstasy. In the smoke +it is a probation for hell, where another day they must endure smoking; +taken in powder, at the nose, it draws upon youth the incommodities of +old age, in the perpetual annoyance of rheum and drivel.” + +The devil of subornation came next, which was a good-complexioned and a +well-timbered devil, to my great amazement I must acknowledge, for I had +never seen any devils till now but what were extreme ugly. The air of +his face was so familiar to me that methought I had seen it in a thousand +several places; sometime under a veil, sometime open; now under one shape +and then under another. One while he called himself child’s-play; +another while, kind entertainment; here, payment; there, restitution; +and, in a third place, alms: but, in fine, I could never learn his right +name. I remember in some places I have heard him called inheritance, +profit, good cheap, patrimony, gratitude. Here he was called doctor; +there, bachelor. With the lawyers, solicitors, and attorneys, he passed +under the name of right; and the confessors called him charity. + +He was well accompanied, and styled himself Satan’s lieutenant; but there +was a devil of consequence that opposed him, might and main, and made +this proclamation of himself. “Be it known,” says he, “that I am the +great embroiler and politic entangler of affairs. The deluder of +princes, the pretext of the unworthy, and the excuse of tyrants. I can +make black, white; and give what colour I please to the foulest actions +in nature. If I had a mind to overturn the world, and put all in a +general confusion, I could do it; for I have it in my power to banish +order and reason out of it; to turn sauciness and importunity into merit, +example into necessity; to give law to success, authority to infamy, and +credit to insolence. I have the tongues of all counsellors at my girdle, +and they shall speak neither more nor less than just as I please. In +short, that’s easy to me which others account impossible, and while I +live ye need never fear either virtue, justice, or good government in the +world. This devil of subornation, that talks of his lieutenancy, what +could he ever have done without me? He’s a rascal that no person of +quality would admit into his company, if I did not fit him with vizors +and disguises. Let him hold his tongue then, and know himself; and let +me hear no more of those disputes about the lieutenancy of hell, for I +have Lucifer’s broad seal to show for my title to’t.” + +“For my part,” cried another mutinous spirit, “I am one of those +humble-minded devils that can content myself to hold the door, upon a +good occasion; or knock under the table, and play at small game rather +than stand out. But few words among friends are best, and when I have +spoken three or four, let him come up that lists. I am then,” says he, +“the devil interpreter, and my business is to gloss upon the text; in +which case, the cuckolds are exceedingly beholden to me; for I have much +to say for the honour of the horn. How should a poor fellow that has a +handsome wench to his wife, and never a penny to live on, hold up his +head in the world, if it were not for that quality? I have a pretty +faculty in doing good offices for distressed ladies, at a time of need; +and I make the whole sex sensible how great a folly and madness it is to +neglect those sweet opportunities. Among other secrets, I have found out +a way to establish an office for thievery, where the officers shall be +thieves and justify it when they have done.” Here he stopped. + +There was a short silence, and then there appeared another devil of about +a foot and a half long. “I am,” says he, “a devil but of a small size, +and perhaps one of the least in hell; and yet the door opens to me as +well as to another, for I never come empty handed.” “Why, what have you +brought them?” says the intermeddler, and came up to him, “What have I +brought?” quoth he, “I have brought an eternal talker and a finical +flatterer; they are two pieces that were in high esteem in the cabinets +of two great princes, and I have brought them for a present to Lucifer.” +With that, Lucifer cast his eye upon them, and with a +damned-verjuice-face, as if he had bitten a crab, “You do well,” says he, +“to say ye had them at court; and I think you should do well to carry +them thither again; for I had as lief have their room as their company.” + +After him followed another dwarf devil, complaining that he had been a +matter of six years about so infamous a rascal, that there was no good to +be done with him, for the bad as well as the better sort were scandalised +at his conversation. “A mighty piece of business,” cried the +gouvernante. “And could you not have gotten him a handsome office or +employment? That would have made him good for something, and you might +have done his business.” + +In the meantime the babbler went whispering up and down and finding +faults, till at length he came to a huge bundle of sleeping devils in a +corner, that were fagotted up, and all mouldy and full of cobwebs, which +he immediately gave notice of, and they cut the band to give them air. +With much ado they waked them, and asked what devils they were, what they +did there, and why they were not upon duty. They fell a-yawning, and +said that they were the devils of luxury: “But since the women have taken +a fancy to prefer guinies and jacobusses before their modesty and honour, +there has been no need of a devil in the case to tempt them; for ’tis but +showing them the merry spankers, they’ll dare like larks, and fall down +before ye, and then ye may e’en do what you will with them, and take them +up in a purse-net. Gold supplies all imperfections; it makes an angel of +a crocodile, turns a fool into a philosopher, and a dressing-box well +lined is worth twenty thousand devils. So that there is no temptation +like a present; and take them from top to bottom, the whole race of woman +is frail, and one thread of pearl will do more with them than a million +of fine stories.” + +Just as this devil made an end we heard another snorting; and ’twas well +he did so, for we had trod upon his belly else. He was laid hold of, +upon suspicion that he slept dog-sleep, or rather the sleep of a +contented cuckold, that would spoil no sport where he made none. “I am,” +says he, “the nuns’ devil, and for want of other employment I have been +three days asleep here as you found me. My mistresses are now choosing +an abbess, and always when they are at that work I make holiday: for they +are all devils themselves then; there is such canvassing, flattering, +importuning, cajoling, making of parties; and in a word so general a +confusion, that a devil among them would do more hurt than good. Nay, +the ambitious make it a point of honour upon such an occasion, to show +that they can out-wit the devils. And if ever hell should be in danger +of a peace, it is my advice that you presently call in a convention of +nuns to the election of an abbess, which would most certainly reduce it +to its ancient state of sedition, mutiny, and confusion, and bring us all +in effect to such a pass that we should hardly know one another.” + +Lucifer was very well pleased with the advice, and ordered it to be +entered upon the register, as a sure expedient to suppress any disorders +that might happen for the future to the disturbance of his government: +after which he commanded the issuing out of a summons to all his +companies and livery-men, who forthwith appeared in prodigious +multitudes; and Lucifer with a hideous yell delivered himself most +graciously as follows. + + + +THE DECREE OF LUCIFER + + +“To our trusty and despairing legions, and well-beloved subjects, lying +under the condemnation of perpetual darkness, that lived pensioners to +sin, and had death for their pay-master, greeting. This is to let you +understand, that there are two devils, who pretend a claim to the honour +of our lieutenancy; but we have absolutely refused to gratify either the +one or the other, in that point, out of a singular affection and respect +to our right trusty and well-beloved cousin, a certain she-devil that +deserves it before all others.” + +At this the whole assembly fell to whispering and muttering, and staring +one upon another, till at last Lucifer observing it bade them never +trouble themselves to guess who it might be, but fetch good fortune to +him, known otherwise by the name of Madam Prosperity, who presently +appeared in the tail of the assembly, and with a proud and disdainful air +marched up and planted herself before the degraded seraphim, who looked +her wistly in the face, and then he on in the tone he first began. + +“It is our will, pleasure, and command, that next and immediately under +our proper person, you pay all honour and respect to the Lady Prosperity, +and obey her, as the most mighty and supreme governess of these our +dominions. Which titles and qualities we have conferred upon her, as due +to her merit; for she hath damned more souls than all you together. She +it is that makes men cast off all fear of God and love of their +neighbour. She it is that makes men place their sovereign good in +riches; that engages and entangles men’s minds in vanity; strikes them +blind in their pleasures; loads them with treasure, and buries them in +sin. Where’s the tragedy that she has not played her part in’t? Where’s +the stability and wisdom that she has not staggered? Where’s the folly +that she has not improved and augmented? She takes no counsel and fears +no punishment. She it is that furnishes matter for scandal, experience +for story, that entertains the cruelty of tyrants, and bathes the +executioners in innocent blood. How many souls that lived innocent, +while they were poor, have fallen into impiety and reprobation, so soon +as ever they came to drink of the enchanted cup of prosperity! Go to +then, be obedient to her, we charge ye all, as to ourself; and know, that +they that stand their ground against prosperity are none of your quarry. +Let them e’en alone, for ’tis but time lost to attempt them. Take +example from that impertinent devil, that got leave to tempt Job; he +persecuted him, beggared him, covered him all over with scabs and ulcers. +Sot that he was! if he had understood his business, he would have gone +another way to work, and begged leave to have multiplied riches upon him, +and to have possessed him of health and pleasures. That’s the trial; and +how many are there that when they thrive in the world turn their backs +upon Heaven, and never so much as name their Creator, but in oaths, and +then too, without thinking on Him? Their discourse is all of jollities, +banquets, comedies, purchases, and the like. Whereas the poor man has +God perpetually both in his mouth and heart. ‘Lord,’ says he, ‘be +mindful of me, and have mercy upon me, for all my trust is in Thee.’ +Wherefore,” says Lucifer, redoubling his accursed clamour, “let it be +published forthwith throughout all our territories, that calamities, +troubles, and persecutions are our mortal enemies, for so we have found +them upon experience; they are the dispensations of Providence, the +blessings of the Almighty, to fit sinners for Himself, and they that +suffer them are enrolled in the militia of heaven. + +“_Item_; For the better administration of our government, it is our will +and pleasure, and we do strictly charge and command, that our devils give +constant attendance in all courts of judicature; and they are hereby +totally discharged from any further care of little pettifoggers, +flatterers, and envious persons, for they are so well acquainted with +hell road, that they’ll guide one another without the help of a devil to +bring them hither. + +“_Item_; We do ordain and command that no devil presume for the future to +entertain any confident, but profit; for that’s the harbinger that +provides vice the most commodious quarter, even in the straitest +consciences. + +“_Item_; We do ordain, as a matter of great importance to the +conservation of our empire, that in what part soever of our dominions the +devil of money shall vouchsafe to appear, all other devils there present +shall rise, and, with a low reverence, present him the chair, in token of +their submission to his power and authority. + +“_Item_; We do most expressly charge and command all our officers, as +well civil as military, to employ their utmost diligence and industry, +for the establishing a general peace throughout the world. For that’s +the time for wickedness to thrive in, and all sorts of vices to prosper +and flourish—as luxury, gluttony, idleness, lying, slandering, gaming, +and whoring; and, in a word, sin is upon the increase and goodness in the +wane. Whereas in a state of war, men are upon the exercise of valour and +virtue; calling often upon Heaven, in the morning, for fear of being +knocked on the head after dinner: and honest men and actions are +rewarded. + +“_Item_; We do from this time forward discharge all our officers and +agents whatsoever, from giving themselves any further trouble of tempting +men and women to sins of incontinence, for as much as we find, upon +experience, that adultery and fornication will never be left, till the +old woman scratches the stool for her backside. And though there may be +several intervals of repentance, and some faint purposes of giving it +over, yet the humour returns again with the next tide of blood, and +concupiscence is as loyal a subject to us as any we have in our +dominions. + +“_Item_; In consideration of the exemption aforesaid, by which means +several poor devils are left without present employment; and forasmuch as +there are many merchants and tradesmen in London, Paris, Madrid, +Amsterdam, and elsewhere, up and down the world, that are very charitably +disposed to relieve people in want, especially young heirs newly at age, +and spendthrifts, that come to borrow money of them; but the times being +dead, and little money stirring, all they can do is to furnish them with +what the house affords; and if a hundred pound or two in commodity will +do them any good, ’tis at their service (they say). This the gallant +takes up at an excessive rate, to sell again immediately for what he can +get; and the merchant has his friend to take it off underhand, at a third +part of the value (which is the way of helping men in distress). Now out +of a singular respect to the said merchants and tradesmen, and for their +better encouragement, as also, to the end that the devils aforesaid may +not run into lewd courses for want of business, we will and require that +a legion of the said devils shall from time to time be continually aiding +and assisting to the said merchants and tradesmen, in the quality of +factors, to be relieved monthly by a fresh legion, or oftener if occasion +shall require. + +“_Item_; We will and command that all our devils, of what degree or +quality soever, do henceforth entertain a strict amity and correspondence +with our trusty and well beloved the usurers, the revengeful, the +envious, and all pretenders to great places and dignities; and, above all +others, with the hypocrites, who are the most powerful impostors in +nature, and so excellently skilled in their trade that they steal away +people’s hearts and souls at the eyes and ears insensibly, and draw to +themselves adoration and reward. + +“_Item_; We do further order and command, that all care possible be taken +for the maintaining of blabs, informers, incendiaries, and parasites in +all courts and palaces, for thence comes our harvest. + +“_Item_; That the babblers, tale-bearers, make-bates, and instruments of +divorces and quarrels, be no longer called fanes, but bellows; in regard +that they draw and inflame, without giving any allay or refreshment. + +“_Item_; That the intermeddlers be hereafter called and reputed the +devils’ body-lice, because they fetch blood of those that feed and +nourish them.” + +Lucifer then casting a sour look over his shoulder, and spying the +gouvernante: “I’m of his mind,” quoth he, “that said, ‘Let God dispose of +the Doüegnas (or gouvernantes) as He pleases; for I’m in no little +trouble how to dispose of these confounded carrions.’” Whereupon, the +damned cried out, with one voice, “Oh, Lucifer! let it never be said that +it rained Doüegnas in thy dominions. Are we not miserable enough without +this new plague of being baited by hags?” “Ah! cursed Lucifer,” cried +every one to himself, “stow them anywhere, so they come not near me.” +And with that, they all clapped their tails between their legs, and drew +in their horns, for fear of this new torment. Lucifer, finding how the +dread of the old women wrought upon the devils, contented himself, at the +present, to let it pass only _in terrorem_; but withal he swore, by the +honour of his imperial crown, and as he hoped to be saved, that what +devil devil’s dam, or reprobate soever, should in time to come be found +wanting to his duty and in the least degree disobedient to his laws and +ordinances, all and every the said devil or devils, their dams and +reprobates so offending, should be delivered up to the torture of the +Doüegna, and tied muzzle to muzzle; so to remain _in sæcula sæculorum_, +without relief or appeal, or any law, statute, or usage to the contrary +notwithstanding. “But in the meantime, cast them into that dry ditch,” +says he, “that they may be ready for use upon any occasion.” + +Immediately, upon the pronouncing of this solemn decree, Lucifer retired +to his cell, the weather cleared up, and the company dispersed in a +fright, at so horrible a menace, and so went about their business: when a +voice was heard out of the clouds, as the voice of an angel, saying, “He +that rightly comprehends the morality of this discourse, shall never +repent the reading of it.” + + * * * * * + + THE END + + * * * * * + + _Printed by_ + MORRISON & GIBB LIMITED, + _Edinburgh_ + + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE VISIONS OF DOM FRANCISCO DE +QUEVEDO VILLEGAS*** + + +******* This file should be named 41908-0.txt or 41908-0.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/4/1/9/0/41908 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: The Visions of Dom Francisco de Quevedo Villegas + + +Author: Dom Francisco de Quevedo + + + +Release Date: January 24, 2013 [eBook #41908] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE VISIONS OF DOM FRANCISCO DE +QUEVEDO VILLEGAS*** +</pre> +<p>Transcribed from the 1904 Methuen & Co. edition by David +Price, email ccx074@pglaf.org</p> +<h1>THE VISIONS OF<br /> +<span class="GutSmall">DOM FRANCISCO DE QUEVEDO</span><br /> +VILLEGAS<br /> +<span class="GutSmall">KNIGHT OF THE ORDER OF ST. +JAMES</span></h1> +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<p style="text-align: center">MADE ENGLISH BY R. L.</p> +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<p style="text-align: center">METHUEN & CO.<br /> +LONDON</p> +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<h2><a name="pageiv"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +iv</span>NOTE</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">This</span> Issue, first published in +1904, is founded on the Third Edition, corrected, published by H. +Herringman in 1668.</p> +<h2><a name="pagev"></a><span class="pagenum">p. v</span>TO THE +READERS GENTLE AND SIMPLE</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">This</span> Preface is merely for +fashion-sake, to fill a space, and please the stationer, who says +’tis neither usual nor handsome, to leap immediately from +the title-page to the matter. So that, in short, a Preface +ye have, together with the reason of it, both under one: but as +to the ordinary mode and pretence of prefaces, the translator +desires to be excused. For he makes a conscience of a lie, +and it were a damned one, to tell ye, that he has published this, +either to gratify the importunity of friends, or to oblige the +public, or for any other reason of a <a name="pagevi"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. vi</span>hundred, that are commonly given in +excuse of scribbling. Not but that he loves his friends, as +well as any man, and has taken their opinion along with +him. Nor, but that he loves the public too (as many a man +does a coy mistress that has made his heart ache.) But to +pass from what had no effect upon him in this publication, to +that which overruled him in it. It was pure spite. +For he has had hard measure among the physicians, the lawyers, +the women, etc. And Dom Francisco de Quevedo, in English, +revenges him upon all his enemies. For it is a satire, that +taxes corruption of manners, in all sorts and degrees of people, +without reflecting upon particular states or persons. It is +full of sharpness and morality; and has found so good +entertainment in the world, that it wanted only English of being +baptized into all Christian languages.</p> +<h2><a name="page1"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 1</span>THE +FIRST VISION OF THE ALGOUAZIL (OR CATCHPOLE) POSSESSED</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">Going</span> t’other day to hear +mass at a convent in this town, the door it seems was shut, and a +world of people pressing and begging to get in. Upon +enquiry what the matter was; they told me of a demoniac to be +exorcised; (or dispossessed) which made me put in for one, to see +the ceremony: though to little purpose; for when I had half +smothered myself in the throng, I was e’en glad to get out +again, and bethink myself of my lodging. Upon my way +homeward, at the street’s end, it was my fortune to meet a +familiar friend of mine of the same convent; who told me over +again what I had heard before, and taking notice of my curiosity, +bade me follow him; which I did, till with his +<i>passe-partout</i> he brought me through a little back-door +into the church, and so into the vestry: where <a +name="page2"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 2</span>we saw a +wretched kind of a dog-looked fellow with a tippet about his +neck, as ill ordered as you’d wish; his clothes all in +tatters, his hands bound behind him, roaring and tearing after a +most hideous manner. “Bless me,” quoth I, +crossing myself, “what spectacle have we here?” +“This,” said the good Father who was to do the feat, +“is a man that’s possessed with an evil +spirit.” “That’s a damned lie,” +with respect of the company, cried the devil that tormented him, +“for this is not a man possessed with a devil, but a devil +possessed with a man; and therefore you should do well to have a +care what you say, for it is most evident, both by the question +and answer, that you are but a company of sots. You are to +understand that we devils never enter into the body of a +catchpole, but by force, and in spite of our hearts; and +therefore to speak properly, you are to say, this is a devil +catchpoled, and not a catchpole bedevilled. And, to give +you your due, you men can deal better with us devils, than with +the catchpoles, for we fly from the cross, whereas they make use +of it, for a cloak for their villainy.</p> +<p>“But though we differ thus in our humours, we hold a +very fair correspondence in our offices: if we draw men into <a +name="page3"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 3</span>judgment and +condemnation, so do the catchpoles; we pray for an increase of +wickedness in the world, so do they; nay and more zealously than +we, for it is their livelihood, and we do it only for company: +and in this the catchpoles are worse than the devils; they prey +upon their own kind, and worry one another. For our parts, +we are angels still, though black ones, and were turned into +devils only for aspiring into an equality with our Maker: whereas +the very corruption of mankind is the generation of a +catchpole. So that, my good Father, your labour is but lost +in plying this wretch with relics; for you may as soon redeem a +soul from hell, as a prey out of his clutches. In fine, +your algouazils (or catchpoles) and your devils are both of an +order, only your catchpole-devils wear shoes and stockings, and +we go barefoot after the fashion of this reverend Father; and (to +deal plainly) have a very hard time on’t.”</p> +<p>I was not a little surprised to find the devil so great a +sophister, but all this notwithstanding, the holy man went on +with his exorcism, and to stop the spirit’s mouth, washed +his face with a little holy water, which made the demoniac ten +times madder than before, and set him a yelping <a +name="page4"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 4</span>so horribly, +that it deafened the company, and made the very ground under us +to tremble. “And now,” says he, “you may, +perchance, imagine this extravagance to be the effect of your +holy water; but let me tell you, that mere water itself would +have done the same thing; for your catchpole hates nothing in +this world like water [especially that of a Gray’s Inn +pump]. But to conclude, they are so reprobated a sort of +Christians, that they have quitted even the very name of misins, +by which they were formerly known, for that of algouazils; the +latter being of Pagan extraction, and more suitable to their +manners.”</p> +<p>“Come, come,” says the Father, “there is no +ear, nor credit to be given to this villain; set but his tongue +at liberty, and you shall have him fall foul upon the Government, +and the ministers of justice, for keeping the world in order and +suppressing wickedness, because it spoils his +market.” “No more chopping of logic good Mr. +Conjurer,” says the devil, “for there’s more +in’t than you are aware of; but if you’ll do a poor +devil a good office, give me my dispatch out of this accursed +algouazil; for I am a devil, you must know, of reputation and +quality, and shall <a name="page5"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +5</span>never be able to endure the gibes and affronts will be +put upon me at my return to hell, for having kept this rascal +company.” “All in good time,” said the +Father, “thou shalt have thy discharge; that is to say, in +pity to this miserable creature, and not for thy own sake. +But tell me now, what makes thee torment him thus?” +“Nothing in the world,” quoth the devil, “but a +contest betwixt him and me, which was the greater devil of the +two.”</p> +<p>The conjurer did not at all relish these wild and malicious +replies; but to me the dialogue was extreme pleasant, especially +being by this time a little familiarized with the devil. +“Upon which confidence, my good Father,” said I, +“here are none but friends; and I may speak to you as my +confessor, and the confidant of all the secrets of my soul; I +have a great mind, with your leave, to ask the devil a few +questions, and who knows but a man may be the better for his +answers, though perchance contrary to his intention! keep him +only in the interim from tormenting this poor +creature.” The conjurer granted my request, and the +spirit went on with his babble. “Well,” says he +smiling, “the devil shall never want a friend at court, so +<a name="page6"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 6</span>long as +there’s a poet within the walls. And indeed the poets +do us many a good turn, both by pimping and otherwise; but if +you,” said he, “should not be kind to us,” +looking upon me, “you’ll be thought very ungrateful, +considering the honour of your entertainment now in +hell.” I asked him then what store of poets they +had? “Whole swarms,” says the devil; “so +many, that we have been forced to make more room for them: nor is +there anything in nature so pleasant as a poet in the first year +of his probation; he comes ye laden forsooth, with letters of +recommendation to our superiors, and enquires very gravely for +Charon, Cerberus, Rhadamanthus, Æacus, Minos.”</p> +<p>“Well,” said I, “but what’s their +punishment?” (for I began now to make the poets’ case +my own). “Their punishments,” quoth the devil, +“are many, and suited to the trade they drive. Some +are condemned to hear other men’s works: (and this is the +plague of the fiddlers too) we have others that are in for a +thousand year, and yet still poring upon some old stanzas they +have made of jealousy. Some again are beating their +foreheads with the palms of their hands, and even boring their +very noses with hot irons, in rage that they <a +name="page7"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 7</span>cannot come to +a resolution, whether they shall say face or visage; whether they +shall write jail or gaol; whether cony or cunny, because it comes +from <i>cuniculus</i>, a rabbit. Others are biting their +nails to the quick, and at their wits’ end for a rime to +chimney; and dozing up and down in a brown study, till they drop +into some hole at last, and give us trouble enough to get them +out again. But they that suffer the most, and fare the +worst, are your comic poets, for whoring so many queens and +princesses upon the stage, and coupling ladies of honour with +lackeys, and noblemen with common strumpets, in the winding up of +their plays; and for giving the bastinado to Alexander and Julius +Cæsar in their interludes and farces. Now be it known +to you, that we do not lodge these with other poets, but with +pettifoggers and attorneys, as common dealers in the mystery of +shifting, shuffling, forging, and cheating: and now for the +discipline of hell, you are to understand we have incomparable +harbingers and quartermasters; insomuch that let them come in +whole caravans, as it happened t’other day, every man is in +his quarter before you can say what’s this.</p> +<p>“There came to us several tradesmen; <a +name="page8"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 8</span>the first of +them a poor rogue that made profession of drawing the long bow; +and him we were about to put among the armourers, but one of the +company moved and carried it, that since he was so good at +draughts, he might be sent to the clerks and scriveners; a sort +of people that will fit you with draughts, good and bad, of all +sorts and sizes, and to all purposes. Another called +himself a cutter, we asked him whether in wood or stone? +‘Neither,’ said he, ‘but in cloth and +stuff’ (<i>Anglicè</i> a tailor); and him we turned +over to those that were in for detraction and calumny, and for +cutting large thongs out of other men’s leather. +There was a blind fellow would fain have been among the poets, +but (for likeness’ sake) we quartered him among the +lovers. After him, came a sexton, or (as he styled himself) +a burier of the dead; and then a cook that was troubled in +conscience for putting off cats for hares: These were dispatched +away to the pastry-men. A matter of half a dozen +crack-brained fools we disposed of among the astrologers and +alchymists. In the number, there was one notorious +murderer, and him we packed away to the gentlemen of the faculty, +the physicians. The broken merchants we kennelled with +Judas for <a name="page9"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +9</span>making ill bargains. Corrupt ministers and +magistrates, with the thief on the left hand. The +embroilers of affairs, and the water-bearers take up with the +vintners; and the brokers with the Jews. Upon the whole +matter, the policy of hell is admirable, where every man has his +place according to his condition.”</p> +<p>“As I remember,” said I, “you were speaking +e’en now concerning lovers. Pray tell me, have you +many of them in your dominions? I ask, because I am myself +a little subject to the itch of love, as well as +poetry.” “Love,” says the devil, +“is like a great spot of oil, that diffuses itself +everywhere, and consequently hell cannot but be sufficiently +stocked with that sort of vermin. But let me tell you now, +we have several sorts of lovers; some dote upon themselves; +others upon their pelf; these upon their own discourses; those +upon their own actions; and once in an age perchance, comes a +fellow that dotes upon his own wife; but this is very rare, for +the jades commonly bring their husbands to repentance, and then +the devil may throw his cap at them. But above all, for +sport (if there can be any in hell) commend me to those gaudy +monsieurs, who by the variety of colours and ribands <a +name="page10"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 10</span>they wear +(favours as they call them) one would swear, were only dressed up +for a sample, or kind of inventory of all the gewgaws that are to +be had for love or money at the mercers. Others you shall +have so overcharged with perruque, that you’ll hardly know +the head of a cavalier from the ordinary block of a tire-woman: +and some again you’d take for carriers, by their packets +and bundles of love-letters; which being made combustible by the +fire and flame they treat of, we are so thrifty, as to employ +upon the singeing of their own tails, for the saving of better +fuel. But, oh! the pleasant postures of the maiden-lover, +when he is upon the practice of the gentle-leer, and embracing +the air for his mistress! Others we have that are condemned +for feeling and yet never come to the touch: these pass for a +kind of buffoon pretenders; ever upon the vigil, but never arrive +at the festival. Some again have lost themselves with Judas +for a kiss.</p> +<p>“One story lower is the abode of contented cuckolds; a +nasty poisonous place, and strewed all over with the horns of +rams and bulls, etc. Now these are so well read in woman, +and know their destiny so well beforehand, that they never so +much as trouble their heads for the matter. Ye <a +name="page11"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 11</span>come next to +the admirers of old women; and these are wretches of so depraved +an appetite, that if they were not kept tied up, and in chains, +they’d horse the very devils themselves, and put Barabbas +to his trumps, to defend his buttocks: for the truth is, whatever +you may think of a devil, he passes with them for a very Adonis +or Narcissus.</p> +<p>“So much for your curiosity; a word now for your +instruction. If you would make an interest in hell, you +must give over that roguy way ye have got of abusing the devils +in your shows, pictures, and emblems: one while forsooth we are +painted with claws, or talons, like eagles, or griffons. +Another while we are dressed up with tails, like so many +hackney-jades with their fly-flaps: and now and then ye shall see +a devil with a coxcomb. Now I will not deny, but some of us +may indeed be very well taken for hermits, and +philosophers. If you can help us in this point, do; and we +shall be ready to do ye one good turn for another. I was +asking Michael Angelo here a while ago, why he drew the devils in +his great piece of the Last Judgment, with so many monkey faces, +and jack-pudding postures. His answer was, that he followed +his fancy, <a name="page12"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +12</span>without any malice in the world, for as then, he had +never seen any devils; nor (indeed) did he believe that there +were any; but he has now learned the contrary to his cost. +There’s another thing too we take extremely ill, which is, +that in your ordinary discourses, ye are out with your purse +presently to every rascal, and calling of him devil. As for +example. Do you see how this devil of a tailor has spoiled +my suit? how the devil has made me wait? how this devil has +cozened me, etc., which is very ill done, and no small +disparagement to our quality, to be ranked with tailors: a +company of slaves, that serve us in hell only for brush-wood; and +they are fain to beg hard to be admitted at all: though I confess +they have possession on their sides, and custom, which is another +law. Being in possession of theft, and stolen goods; they +make much more conscience of keeping your stuffs, than your holy +days, grumbling and domineering at every turn, if they have not +the same respect with the children of the family. Ye have +another trick, too, of giving everything to the devil, that +displeases ye, which we cannot but take very unkindly. +‘The devil take thee,’ says one: a goodly present I +warrant ye; but the devil has <a name="page13"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 13</span>somewhat else to do, than to take and +carry away all that’s given him; if they’ll come of +themselves, let them come and welcome. Another gives that +whelp of a lackey to the devil; but the devil will none of your +lackeys, he thanks ye for your love; a pack of rogues that are +commonly worse than devils, and to say the truth, they are good +neither roast nor sodden. ‘I give that Italian to the +devil,’ cries a third; thank you for nothing: for ye shall +have an Italian will choose the devil himself, and take him by +the nose like mustard. Some again will be giving a Spaniard +to the devil; but he has been so cruel where-ever he has got +footing, that we had rather have his room than his company, and +make a present to the grand-signior of his nutmegs.”</p> +<p>Here the devil stopped, and in the same instant, there +happening a slight scuffle, betwixt a couple of conceited +coxcombs, which should go foremost: I turned to see the matter, +and cast my eye upon a certain tax-gatherer, that had undone a +friend of mine: and in some sort to revenge myself of this ass in +a lion’s skin, I asked the devil, whether they had not of +that sort of blood-suckers among the rest, in their dominions (an +informing, projecting generation <a name="page14"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 14</span>of men, and the very bane of a +kingdom). “You know little,” says he, “if +you do not know these vermin to be the right heirs of perdition, +and that they claim hell for their inheritance: and yet we are +now e’en upon the point of discarding them, for they are so +pragmatical, and ungrateful, there’s no enduring of +them. They are at this present in consultation about an +impost upon the highway to hell; and indeed payments run so high +already, and are so likely to increase too, that ’tis much +feared in the end, we shall quite lose our trading and +commerce. But if ever they come to put this in execution, +we shall be so bold, as to treat them next bout, to the tune of +‘Fortune my foe,’ etc. and make them cool their heels +on the wrong side of the door, which will be worse than hell to +them, for it leaves them no retreat, being expelled paradise, and +purgatory already.” “This race of +vipers,” said I, “will never be quiet, till they tax +the way to heaven itself.” “Oh,” quoth +the devil, “that had been done long since, if they had +found the play worth the candles: but they have had a factor +abroad now these half-score years, that’s glad to wipe his +nose on his sleeve still, for want of a +handkerchief.” “But these new impositions, <a +name="page15"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 15</span>upon what I +pray ye do they intend to levy them?” “For +that,” quoth the devil, “there’s a gentleman of +the trade at your elbow can tell you all;” pointing to my +old friend the publican. This drew the eyes of the whole +company upon him, and put him so damnedly out of countenance, +that he plucked down his hat over his face, clapped his tail +between his legs, and went his way; with which we were all of us +well enough pleased, and then the devil went on. +“Well,” said the devil, and laughed, “my +voucher is departed ye see; but I think I can say as much to this +point as himself; the impositions now to be set on foot, are upon +bare-necked ladies, patches, mole-skins, Spanish-paper, and all +the <i>mundus muliebris</i> more than what is necessary and +decent; upon your <i>tour à la mode</i>, and spring garden +coaches; excess in apparel, collations, rich furniture, your +cheating, and blaspheming gaming ordinaries, and, in general, +upon whatsoever serves to advance our empire; so that without a +friend at court, or some good magistrate to help us out at a dead +lift, and stick to us, we may e’en put up our pipes, and +you’ll find hell a very desert.” +“Well,” said I, “and methinks I see nothing in +all this, but what is very reasonable; <a name="page16"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 16</span>for to what end serves it but to +corrupt good manners, stir up ill appetites, provoke and +encourage all sorts of debauchery, destroy all that is good and +honourable in humane society, and chalk out in effect the ready +way to the devil.</p> +<p>“But you said something e’en now of magistrates, I +hope,” said I, “there are no judges in +hell.” “You may as well imagine,” cried +the spirit, “that there are no devils there; for let me +tell you (friend mine) your corrupt judges are the great spawners +that supply our lake; for what are those millions of catchpoles, +proctors, attorneys, clerks, barristers, that come sailing to us +every day in shoals, but the fry of such judges! Nay +sometimes, in a lucky year, for cheating, forging, and +forswearing, we can hardly find cask to put them in.”</p> +<p>“From hence now,” quoth I, “would you infer, +that there’s no justice upon the face of the +earth.” “Very right,” quoth the devil, +“for Astræa (which is the same thing) is fled long +since to heaven. Do not ye know the story?” +“No,” said I. “Then,” quoth the +devil, “mind me and I’ll tell ye it.</p> +<p>“Once upon a time Truth and Justice came together to +take up their quarters <a name="page17"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 17</span>upon the earth: but the one being +naked, and the other very severe and plain-dealing, they could +not meet with anybody that would receive them. At last, +when they had wandered a long time like vagabonds in the open +air, Truth was glad to take up her lodging with a mute; and +Justice, perceiving that though her name was much used for a +cloak to knavery, yet that she herself was in no esteem, took up +a resolution of returning to heaven: and in order to her journey, +she bade adieu in the first place to all courts, palaces, and +great cities, and went into the country, where she met with some +few poor simple cottagers, that gave her entertainment; but +malice and persecution found her out in the end, and she was +banished thence too. She presented herself in many places, +and people asked her what she was? She answered them, +‘Justice,’ for she would not lie for the +matter. ‘Justice?’ cried they, ‘she is a +stranger to us; tell her here’s nothing for her,’ and +shut the door. Upon these repulses, she took wing, and away +she went to heaven, hardly leaving so much as the bare print of +her footsteps behind her. Her name however is not yet +forgotten, and she’s pictured with a sceptre in her hand, +and is still called Justice; but call her what ye <a +name="page18"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 18</span>will, she +makes as good a fire in hell as a tailor; and for sleight of +hand, puts down all the gilts, cheats, picklocks, and trepanners +in the world: to say the truth, avarice is grown to that height, +that men employ all the faculties of soul and body to rob and +deceive. The lecher, does not he steal away the honour of +his mistress? (though with her consent). The attorney picks +your pocket, and shows you a law for’t; the comedian gets +your money and your time, with reciting other men’s +labours; the lover cozens you with his eyes; the eloquent, with +his tongue; the valiant, with his arm; the musician, with his +voice and fingers; the astrologer, with his calculations; the +apothecary, with sickness and health; the surgeon, with blood; +and the physician, with death itself; and in some sort or other, +they are all cheats; but the catchpole (in the name of justice) +abuses you with his whole man; he watches you with his eyes; +follows you with his feet; seizes with his hands; accuses with +his tongue; and in fine, put it in your litany, from catchpoles, +as well as devils, <i>libera nos domine</i>.”</p> +<p>“But how comes it,” said I, “that you have +not coupled the women with the thieves? for they are both of a +trade.” <a name="page19"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +19</span>“Not a word of women as ye love me,” quoth +the devil, “for we are so tired out with their +importunities; so deafened with the eternal clack of their +tongues, that we start at the very thought of them. And to +say the truth, hell were no ill winter quarter, if it were not so +overstocked with that sort of cattle. Since the death of +the Witch of Endor, it has been all their business to improve +themselves in subtlety and malice, and to set us together by the +ears among ourselves. Nay some of them are confident +enough, to tell us to our teeth, that when we have done our +worst, they’ll give us a Rowland for our Oliver. Only +this comfort we have, that they are a cheaper plague to us, than +they are to you; for we have no Exchanges, Hyde Parks, or Spring +Gardens in our territories.”</p> +<p>“You are well stored then with women, I see, but of +which have you most?” said I, “handsome, or +ill-favoured?” “Oh, of the ill-favoured, six +for one,” quoth the devil, “for your beauties can +never want gallants to lay their appetites; and many of them, +when they come at last to have their bellies full, e’en +give over the sport, repent and ’scape. Whereas +nobody will touch the ill-favoured without a pair of tongs; and +for want of water to quench <a name="page20"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 20</span>their fire, they come to us such +skeletons, that they are enough to affright the devil +himself. For they are most commonly, old, and accompany +their last groans with a curse upon the younger that are to +survive them. I carried away one t’other day of +threescore and ten, that I took just in the nick, as she was upon +a certain exercise to remove obstructions: and when I came to +land her, alas for the poor woman! what a terrible fit had she +got of the toothache! when upon search, the devil a tooth had she +left in her head, only she belied her chops to save her +credit.”</p> +<p>“You have exceedingly satisfied me,” said I, +“in all your answers; but pray’e once again, what +store of beggars have ye in hell? Poor people I +mean.” “Poor,” quoth the devil, +“who are they?” “Those,” said I, +“that have no possessions in the world.” +“How can that be,” quoth he, “that those should +be damned, that have nothing in the world? when men are only +damned for cleaving to’t. And briefly I find none of +their names in our books, which is no wonder, for he that has +nothing to trust to, shall be left by the devil himself in time +of need. To deal plainly with you, where have you greater +devils than your flatterers, false friends, <a +name="page21"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 21</span>lewd company, +envious persons, than a son, a brother, or a relation, that lies +in wait for your life to get your fortune, that mourns over you +in your sickness, and wishes you already at the devil. Now +the poor have none of this; they are neither flattered, nor +envied, nor befriended, nor accompanied: there’s no gaping +for their possessions; and in short, they are a sort of people +that live well, and die better; and there are some of them, that +would not exchange their rags for royalty itself: they are at +liberty to go and come at pleasure, be it war or peace; free from +cares, taxes, and public duties. They fear no judgments or +executions, but live as inviolable as if their persons were +sacred. Moreover they take no thoughts for tomorrow, but +setting a just value on their hours, they are good husbands of +the present; considering that what is past, is as good as dead, +and what’s to come, uncertain. But they say, +‘When the devil preaches, the world’s near an +end.’”</p> +<p>“The Divine Hand is in this,” said the holy man +that performed the exorcism, “thou art the father of lies, +and yet deliverest truths able to mollify and convert a heart of +stone.” “But do not you mistake +yourself,” quoth the devil, “to <a +name="page22"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 22</span>suppose that +your conversion is my business; for I speak these truths to +aggravate your guilt, and that you may not plead ignorance +another day, when you shall be called to answer for your +transgressions. ’Tis true, most of you shed tears at +parting, but ’tis the apprehension of death, and no true +repentance for your sins that works upon you: for ye are all a +pack of hypocrites: or if at any time you entertain those +reflections, your trouble is, that your body will not hold out; +and then forsooth ye pretend to pick a quarrel with the sin +itself.” “Thou art an impostor,” said the +religious, “for there are many righteous souls, that draw +their sorrow from another fountain. But I perceive you have +a mind to amuse us, and make us lose time, and perchance your own +hour is not yet come to quit the body of this miserable creature; +however, I conjure thee in the name of the Most High to leave +tormenting him, and to hold thy peace.” The devil +obeyed; and the good Father applying himself to us, “My +masters,” says he, “though I am absolutely of opinion +that it is the devil that has talked to us all this while through +the organ of this unhappy wretch, yet he that well weighs what +has been said, may doubtless reap some benefit by the +discourse. <a name="page23"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +23</span>Wherefore without considering whence it came; remember, +that Saul (although a wicked prince) prophesied; and that honey +has been drawn out of the mouth of a lion. Withdraw then, +and I shall make it my prayer (as ’tis my hope) that this +sad and prodigious spectacle may lead you to a true sight of your +errors, and, in the end, to amendment of life.”</p> +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<p style="text-align: center">THE END OF THE FIRST VISION</p> +<h2><a name="page24"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 24</span>THE +SECOND VISION OF DEATH AND HER EMPIRE</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">Mean</span> souls do naturally breed sad +thoughts, and in solitude, they gather together in troops to +assault the unfortunate; which is the trial (according to my +observation) wherein the coward does most betray himself; and yet +cannot I for my life, when I am alone, avoid those accidents and +surprises in myself, which I condemn in others. I have +sometime, upon reading the grave and severe Lucretius, been +seized with a strange damp; whether from the striking of his +counsels upon my passions, or some tacit reflection of shame upon +myself, I know not. However, to render this confession of +my weakness the more excusable, I’ll begin my discourse +with somewhat out of that elegant and excellent poet.</p> +<p>“Put the case,” says he, “that a voice from +heaven should speak to any of us after this manner; what dost +thou ail, O mortal <a name="page25"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +25</span>man, or to what purpose is it, to spend thy life in +groans, and complaints under the apprehension of death? where are +thy past tears and pleasures? Are they not vanished and +lost in the flux of time, as if thou hadst put water into a +sieve? Bethink thyself then of a retreat, and leave the +world with the same content, and satisfaction, as thou wouldst do +a plentiful table, and a jolly company upon a full stomach. +Poor fool that thou art! thus to macerate and torment thyself, +when thou may’st enjoy thy heart at ease, and possess thy +soul with repose and comfort, etc.”</p> +<p>This passage brought into my mind the words of Job, cap. 14, +and I was carried on from one meditation to another, till at +length, I fell fast asleep over my book, which I ascribed rather +to a favourable providence, than to my natural disposition. +So soon as my soul felt herself at liberty, she gave me the +entertainment of this following comedy, my fancy supplying both +the stage and the company.</p> +<p>In the first scene, entered a troop of physicians, upon their +mules, with deep foot-cloths, marching in no very good order, +sometime fast, sometime slow, and to say the truth, most commonly +in a huddle. They were all wrinkled and <a +name="page26"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 26</span>withered +about the eyes; I suppose with casting so many sour looks upon +the piss-pots and close-stools of their patients, bearded like +goats; and their faces so over-grown with hair, that their +fingers could hardly find the way to their mouths. In the +left hand they held their reins, and their gloves rolled up +together; and in the right, a staff <i>à la mode</i>, +which they carried rather for countenance, than correction; (for +they understood no other menage than the heel) and all along, +head and body went too, like a baker upon his panniers. +Divers of them, I observed, had huge gold rings upon their +fingers, and set with stones of so large a size, that they could +hardly feel a patient’s pulse, without minding him of his +monument. There were more than a good many of them, and a +world of puny practisers at their heels, that came out graduates, +by conversing rather with the mules than the doctors: well! said +I to myself, if there goes no more than this to the making a +physician, it is no marvel we pay so dear for their +experience.</p> +<p>After these, followed a long train of mountebank-apothecaries, +laden with pestles, and mortars, suppositories, spatulas, +glister-pipes and syringes, ready charged, and as mortal as +gun-shot, and several <a name="page27"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 27</span>titled boxes with remedies without, +and poisons within: ye may observe that when a patient comes to +die, the apothecary’s mortar rings the passing-bell, as the +priest’s requiem finishes the business. An +apothecary’s shop is (in effect) no other than the +physician’s armoury, that supplies him with weapons; and +(to say the truth) the instruments of the apothecary and the +soldier are much of a quality: what are their boxes but petards? +their syringes, pistols; and their pills, but bullets? And +after all, considering their purgative medicines, we may properly +enough call their shops purgatory; and why not their persons +hell? their patients the damned? and their masters the +devils? These apothecaries were in jackets, wrought all +over with Rs, struck through like wounded hearts, and in the form +of the first character of their prescriptions, which (as they +tell us) signifies <i>recipe</i> (take thou) but we find it to +stand for <i>recipio</i> (I take.) Next to this figure, +they write ana, ana, which is as much as to say an ass, an ass; +and after this, march the ounces and the scruples; an +incomparable cordial to a dying man; the former to dispatch the +body, and the latter, to put the soul into the highway to the +devil. To hear them call over their <a +name="page28"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 28</span>simples, +would make you swear they were raising so many devils. +There’s your opopanax, buphthalmus, astaphylinos, +alectorolophos, ophioscorodon, anemosphorus, etc.</p> +<p>And by all this formidable bombast, is meant nothing in the +world but a few paltry roots, as carrots, turnips, skirrets, +radish and the like. But they have the old proverb at their +fingers’ end: “he that knows thee will never buy +thee;” and therefore everything must be made a mystery, to +hold their patients in ignorance, and keep up the price of the +market. And were not the very names of their medicines +sufficient to fright away any distemper, ’tis to be feared +the remedy would prove worse than the disease. Can any pain +in nature, think ye, have the confidence to look a physician in +the face, that comes armed with a drug made of man’s +grease? though disguised under the name of mummy, to take off the +horror and disgust of it: or to stay for a dressing with Dr. +Whachum’s plaster, that shall fetch up a man’s leg to +the size of a mill-post? When I saw these people herded +with the physicians, methought the old sluttish proverb, that +says, “there is a great distance between the pulse and the +arse,” was much to blame for making such a difference in +their dignities, <a name="page29"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +29</span>for I find none at all; but the physician skips in a +trice from the pulse to the stool and urinal, according to the +doctrine of Galen, who sends all his disciples to those unsavoury +oracles, from whose hands the devil himself, if he were sick, +would not receive so much as a glister. Oh! these cursed +and lawless arbitrators and disposers of our lives! that without +either conscience or religion, divide our souls and bodies, by +their damned poisonous potions, scarifications, incisions, +excessive bleedings, etc., which are but the several ways of +executing their tyranny and injustice upon us.</p> +<p>In the tail of these, came the surgeons, laden with pincers, +cranes-bills, catheters, desquamatories, dilaters, scissors, +saws; and with them so horrid an outcry, of cut, tear, open, saw, +flay, burn, that my bones were ready to creep one into another +for fear of an operation.</p> +<p>The next that came in, I should have taken by their mien, for +devils disguised, if I had not spied their chains of rotten +teeth, which put me in some hope they might be tooth-drawers, and +so they proved; which is yet one of the lewdest trades in the +world; for they are good for nothing but to depopulate our +mouths, and <a name="page30"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +30</span>make us old before our time. Let a man but yawn, +and ye shall have one of these rogues examining his grinders, and +there’s not a sound tooth in your head, but he had rather +see’t at his girdle, than in the place of its nativity: +nay, rather than fail, he’ll pick a quarrel with your +gums. But that which puts me out of all patience, is to see +these scoundrels ask twice as much for drawing an old tooth as +would have bought ye a new one.</p> +<p>“Certainly,” said I to myself, “we are now +past the worst, unless the devil himself come next.” +And in that instant I heard the brushing of guitars, and the +rattling of citterns, raking over certain <i>passacailles</i> and +sarabands. These are a kennel of barbers thought I, or +I’ll be hanged; and any man that had ever seen a +barber’s shop might have told you as much without a +conjurer, both by the music and by the very instruments, which +are as proper a part of a barber’s furniture as his +comb-cases and wash-balls. It was to me a pleasant +entertainment, to see them lathering of asses’ heads, of +all sorts and sizes, and their customers all the while winking +and sputtering over their basins.</p> +<p>Presently after these, appeared a consort of loud and tedious +talkers, that tired and <a name="page31"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 31</span>deafened the company with their +shrill, and restless gaggle; but as one told me, these were of +several sorts. Some they called swimmers from the motion of +their arms in all their discourses, which was just as if they had +been paddling. Others they called apes (and we mimics); +these were perpetually making of mops, and mows, and a thousand +antic ridiculous gestures, in derision and imitation of +others. In the third place, were make-bates, and sowers of +dissension, and these were still rolling their eyes (like a +Bartlemey puppet, without so much as moving the head) and leering +over their shoulders, to surprise people at unawares in their +familiarities, and privacies, and gather matter for calumny and +detraction. The liars followed next; and these seemed to be +a jolly contented sort of people, well fed, and well clothed; and +having nothing else to trust to, methought it was a strange trade +to live upon. I need not tell you, that they are never +without a full audience, since all fools and impertinents are of +their congregation.</p> +<p>After these, came a company of meddlers, a pragmatical +insolent generation of men that will have an oar in every boat, +and are indeed the bane of honest conversation, and the troublers +of all companies and <a name="page32"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 32</span>affairs, the most prostitute of all +flatterers, and only devoted to their own profit. I thought +this had been the last scene, because no more came upon the stage +for a good while; and indeed I wondered that they came so late +themselves, but one of the babblers told me (unasked) that this +kind of serpent carrying his venom in his tail; it seemed +reasonable, that being the most poisonous of the whole gang, they +should bring up the rear.</p> +<p>I began then to take into thought, what might be the meaning +of this oglio of people of several conditions and humours met +together; but I was quickly diverted from that consideration by +the apparition of a creature which looked as if ’twere of +the feminine gender. It was a person, of a thin and slender +make, laden with crowns, garlands, sceptres, scythes, +sheep-hooks, pattens, hobnailed shoes, tiaras, straw hats, +mitres, Monmouth caps, embroideries, skins, silk, wool, gold, +lead, diamonds, shells, pearl, and pebbles. She was dressed +up in all the colours of the rainbow; she had one eye shut, the +other open; young on the one side, and old o’ the +other. I thought at first, she had been a great way off, +when indeed she was very near me, and when I took her to be at my +<a name="page33"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 33</span>chamber +door, she was at my bed’s head. How to unriddle this +mystery I knew not; nor was it possible for me to make out the +meaning of an equipage so extravagant, and so fantastically put +together. It gave me no affright, however, but on the +contrary I could not forbear laughing, for it came just then into +my mind that I had formerly seen in Italy a farce, where the +mimic, pretending to come from the other world, was just thus +accoutred, and never was anything more nonsensically +pleasant. I held as long as I could, and at last, I asked +what she was. She answered me, “I am +Death.” Death! (the very word brought my heart into +my mouth) “and I beseech you, madam,” quoth I (with +great humility and respect) “whither is your honour a +going?” “No further,” said she, +“for now I have found you, I am at my journey’s +end.” “Alas, alas! and must I die then,” +said I. “No, no,” quoth Death, “but +I’ll take thee quick along with me; for since so many of +the dead have been to visit the living, it is but equal for once, +that one of the living should return a visit to the dead. +Get up then and come along; and never hang an arse for the +matter; for what you will not do willingly, you shall do in spite +of your teeth.” This put me in a cold fit; <a +name="page34"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 34</span>but without +more delay up I started, and desired leave only to put on my +breeches. “No, no,” said she, “no matter +for clothes, nobody wears them upon this road; wherefore come +away, naked as you are, and you’ll travel the +better.” So up I got, without a word more and +followed her, in such a terror, and amazement, that I was but in +an ill condition to take a strict account of my passage; yet I +remember, that upon the way, I told her: “Madam, under +correction, you are no more like the Deaths that I have seen, +than an apple’s like an oyster. Our Death is pictured +with a scythe in her hand; and a carcass of bones, as clean as if +the crows had picked it.” “Yes, yes,” +said she, turning short upon me, “I know that very well; +but in the meantime your designers and painters are but a company +of buzzards. The bones you talk of are the dead, or +otherwise the miserable remainders of the living; but let me tell +you that you yourselves are your own death, and that which you +call death, is but the period of your life, as the first moment +of your birth is the beginning of your death; and effectually, ye +die living, and your bones are no more than what death has left +and committed to the grave. If this were rightly +understood, every man <a name="page35"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 35</span>would find a <i>memento mori</i>, or +a death’s head, in his own looking-glass; and consider +every house with a family in’t but as a sepulchre filled +with dead bodies; a truth which you little dream of, though +within your daily view and experience. Can you imagine a +death elsewhere, and not in yourselves? Believe’t +y’are in a shameful mistake; for you yourselves are +skeletons before ye are aware.”</p> +<p>“But, madam, under favour, what may all these people be +that keep your ladyship company? and since you are Death (as you +say) how comes it, that the babblers, and make-bates, are nearer +your person, and more in your good graces than the +physicians?” “Why,” says she, +“there are more people talked to death and dispatched by +babblers, than by all the pestilential diseases in the +world. And then your make-bates, and meddlers kill more +than your physicians, though (to give the gentlemen of the +faculty their due) they labour night and day for the enlargement +of our empire. For you must understand, that though +distempered humours make a man sick, ’tis the physician +kills him; and looks to be well paid for’t too: (and +’tis fit that every man should live by his trade) so that +when a man is asked, what such <a name="page36"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 36</span>or such a one died of, he is not +presently to make answer, that he died of a fever, pleurisy, the +plague, purples, or the like; but that he died of the +doctor. In one point, however, I must needs acquit the +physician; ye know that the style of right honourable, and right +worshipful, which was heretofore appropriate only to persons of +eminent degree and quality, is now in our days used by all sorts +of little people; nay the very barefoot friars, that live under +vows of humility and mortification, are stung with this itch of +title and vainglory. And your ordinary tradesmen, as +vintners, tailors, masons, and the like, must be all dressed up +forsooth in the right worshipful: whereas your physician does not +so much court honour of appellation (though, if it should rain +dignities, he might be persuaded happily to venture the wetting) +but sits down contentedly with the honour of disposing of your +lives and moneys, without troubling himself about any other sort +of reputation.”</p> +<p>The entertainment of these lectures, and discourses made the +way seem short and pleasant, and we were just now entering into a +place, betwixt light and dark, and of horror enough, if Death and +I had not by this time been very well acquainted. Upon <a +name="page37"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 37</span>one side of +the passage, I saw three moving figures, armed, and of human +shape, and so alike, that I could not say which was which. +Just opposite, on the other side, a hideous monster, and these +three to one, and one to three, in a fierce, and obstinate +combat. Here Death made a stop, and facing about, asked me +if I knew these people. “Alas! no,” quoth I, +“Heaven be praised, I do not, and I shall put it in my +litany that I never may.” “Now to see thy +ignorance,” cried Death; “these are thy old +acquaintance, and thou hast hardly kept any other company since +thou wert born. Those three are the world, the flesh, and +the devil, the capital enemies of thy soul; and they are so like +one another, as well in quality, as appearance, that effectually, +whoever has one, has all. The proud and ambitious man +thinks he has got the world, but it proves the devil. The +lecher, and the epicure, persuade themselves that they have +gotten the flesh, and that’s the devil too; and in fine, +thus it fares with all other kinds of extravagants.” +“But what’s he there,” said I, “that +appears in so many several shapes? and fights against the other +three?” “That,” quoth Death, “is +the devil of money, who maintains that he himself alone is +equivalent to them three, <a name="page38"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 38</span>and that wherever he comes, +there’s no need of them. Against the world, he argues +from their own confession and experience: for it passes for an +oracle, that there’s no world but money; he that’s +out of money’s out of the world. Take away a +man’s money, and take away his life. Money answers +all things. Against the second enemy, he pleads that money +is the flesh too: witness the girls and the ganymedes it +procures, and maintains. And against the third, he urges +that there’s nothing to be done without this devil of +money. Love does much but money does all; and money will +make the pot boil, though the devil piss in the +fire.” “So that for ought I see,” quoth +I, “the devil of money has the better end of the +staff.”</p> +<p>After this, advancing a little further, I saw on one hand +judgment, and hell on the other (for so Death called them). +Upon the sight of hell, making a stop, to take a stricter survey +of it, Death asked me, what it was I looked at. I told her, +it was hell; and I was the more intent upon it, because I thought +I had seen it somewhere else before. She questioned me, +where? I told her, that I had seen it in the corruption and +avarice of wicked magistrates; in the pride and haughtiness of +grandees; in <a name="page39"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +39</span>the appetites of the voluptuous; in the lewd designs of +ruin and revenge; in the souls of oppressors; and in the vanity +of divers princes. But he that would see it whole and +entire, in one subject, must go to the hypocrite, who is a kind +of religious broker, and puts out at five-and-forty per cent. the +very Sacraments and Ten Commandments.</p> +<p>“I am very glad too,” said I, “that I have +seen judgment as I find it here, in its purity; for that which we +call judgment in the world is a mere mockery: if it were like +this, men would live otherwise than they do. To conclude: +if it be expected that our judges should govern themselves and us +by this judgment, the world’s in an ill case; for +there’s but little of’t there. And to deal +plainly, as matters are, I have no great maw to go home again: +for ’tis better being with the dead, where there’s +justice, than with the living, where there’s +none.”</p> +<p>Our next step was into a fair and spacious plain, encompassed +with a huge wall, where he that’s once in must never look +to come out again. “Stop here,” quoth Death, +“for we are now come to my judgment-seat, and here it is +that I give audience.” The walls were hung with sighs +and groans, <a name="page40"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +40</span>ill-news, fears, doubts, and surprises. Tears did +not there avail either the lover or the beggar; but grief and +care were without both measure and comfort; and served as vermin +to gnaw the hearts of emperors and princes, feeding upon the +insolent and ambitious, as their proper nourishment. I saw +Envy there dressed up in a widow’s veil, and the very +picture of the government of one of your noblemen’s +houses. She kept a continual fast as to the shambles, +preying only upon herself; and could not but be a very slender +gentlewoman, upon so spare a diet. Nothing came amiss to +her teeth (good or bad) which made the whole set of them yellow +and rotten, and the reason was that, though she bit, and set her +mark upon the good and the sound, she could never swallow +it. Under her, sat discord; the legitimate issue of her own +bowels. She had formerly conversed much with married +people, but finding no need of her there, away she went to +colleges and corporations, where it seems they had more already +than they knew what to do withal; and then she betook herself to +courts and palaces, and officiated there, as the devil’s +lieutenant. Next to her was ingratitude, and she out of a +certain paste made up of pride and malice, <a +name="page41"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 41</span>was moulding +of new devils. I was extreme glad of this discovery, being +of opinion, till now, that the ungrateful had been the devils +themselves, because I read, that the angels that fell were made +devils for their ingratitude. To be short, the whole place +echoed with rage and curses. “What a devil have we +here to do,” said I, “does it rain curses in this +country?” With that; a death at my elbow asked me, +what a devil could I expect else, in a place where there were so +many matchmakers, attorneys, and common barristers, who are a +pack of the most accursed wretches in nature. Is there +anything more common in the world, than the exclamations of +husbands and wives? “Oh! that damned devil of a +pander: a heavy curse upon that bitch of a bawd that ever brought +us together.” “The pillory and ten thousand +gibbets to boot take that pickpocket attorney, that advised me to +this lawsuit; h’ as ruined me for ever.” +“But pray’e,” said I, “what do all these +matchmakers and attorneys here together? Do they come for +audience?” Death was here a little quick upon me, and +called me fool for so impertinent a question. “If +there were no matchmakers,” said she, “we should not +have the tenth part of these <a name="page42"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 42</span>skeletons, and desperadoes. Am +not I here the fifth husband of a woman yet living in the world, +that hopes to send twice as many more after me, and drink maudlin +at the fifteenth funeral?” “You say +well,” said I, “as to the business of matchmakers; +but why so many pettifoggers, I pray’e?” +“Nay, then, I perceive,” quoth Death, “now you +have a mind to seize me; for that rascally sort of caterpillars +have been my undoing. Had not a man better die by the +common hangman than by the hand of an attorney? to be killed by +falsities, quirks, cavils, delays, exceptions, cheats, +circumventions: yes, yes, and it must not be denied, that these +makers of matches, and splitters of causes, are the principal +support of this imperial throne.”</p> +<p>At these words, I raised my eyes, and saw Death seated in her +chair of state, with abundance of little deaths crowding about +her: as the death of love, of cold, hunger, fear, and laughter; +all, with their several ensigns and devices. The death of +love, I perceived, had very little brain, and to keep herself in +countenance, she kept company with Pyramus and Thisbe, Hero and +Leander, and some Amadis’s and Palmerins d’Oliva; all +embalmed, steeped in good vinegar, and well dried. I saw a +<a name="page43"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 43</span>great many +other sorts of lovers too, that were brought, in all appearance, +to their last agonies, but by the singular miracle of +self-interest recovered to the tune of</p> +<blockquote><p>Will, if looking well won’t move her,<br /> +Looking ill prevail?</p> +</blockquote> +<p>The death of cold was attended by a many prelates, bishops, +abbots, and other ecclesiastics, who had neither wives, nor +children, nor indeed anybody else that cared for them, further +than for their fortunes. These, when they come to a fit of +sickness, are pillaged even to their sheets and bedding, before +ye can say a paternoster. Nay, many times they are +stripped, ere they are laid, and destroyed for want of clothes to +keep them warm.</p> +<p>The death of hunger was encompassed with a multitude of +avaricious misers that were cording up of trunks, bolting of +doors and windows, locking up of cellars and garrets, and nailing +down of trap doors, burying of pots of money, and starting at +every breath of wind they heard. Their eyes were ready to +drop out of their heads, for want of sleep; their mouths and +bellies complaining of their hands, and their souls turned into +gold and silver (the idols they adored.)</p> +<p><a name="page44"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 44</span>The +death of fear had the most magnificent train and attendance of +all the rest, being accompanied with a great number of usurpers +arid tyrants, who commonly do justice upon themselves, for the +injuries they have done to others, their own consciences doing +the office of tormentors, and avenging their public crimes by +their private sufferings; for they live in a perpetual anguish of +thought, with fears and jealousies.</p> +<p>The death of laughter was the last of all, and surrounded with +a throng of people, hasty to believe, and slow to repent, living +without fear of justice, and dying without hope of mercy. +These are they that pay all their debts and duties with a +jest. Bid any of them, “Give every man his due, and +return what he has either borrowed, or wrongfully taken,” +his answer is, “You’d make a man die with +laughing.” Tell him, “My friend, you are now in +years, your dancing days are done, and your body is worn out; +what should such a scarecrow as you are do with a +bed-fellow? Give over your bawdy haunts for shame, and +don’t make a glory of a sin, when you’re past the +pleasure of it, and yourself upon all accounts contemptible into +the bargain.” “This fellow,” says he, +“would make a man <a name="page45"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 45</span>break his heart with +laughing.” “Come, come, say your prayers, and +bethink yourself of eternity; you have one foot in the grave +already, and ’tis high time to fit yourself for the other +world.” “Thou wilt absolutely kill me with +laughing. I tell thee I’m as sound as a rock, and I +do not remember that ever I was better in my life.” +Others there are, that, let a man advise them upon their +deathbeds and even at the last gasp to send for a divine, or to +make some handsome settlement of their estates, “Alas, +alas!” they’ll cry; “I have been as bad as this +many a time before, and (with Falstaffe’s hostess) I hope +in the Lord there’s no need to think of him +yet.” These men are lost for ever, before they can be +brought to understand their danger. This vision wrought +strangely upon me, and gave me all the pains and marks imaginable +of a true repentance. “Well,” said I, +“since so it is, that man has but one life allotted him and +so many deaths; but one way into the world and so many millions +out of it, I will certainly at my return make it more my care +than it has been to live with a good conscience, that I may die +with comfort.”</p> +<p>These last words were scarce out of my mouth, when the crier +of the court with a <a name="page46"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +46</span>loud voice called out, “The dead, the dead; appear +the dead.” And so immediately, I saw the earth begin +to move, and gently opening itself, to make way, first for heads +and arms, and then by degrees for the whole bodies of men and +women, that came out, half muffled in their nightcaps, and ranged +themselves in excellent order, and with a profound silence. +“Now,” says Death, “let everyone speak in his +turn;” and in the instant, up comes one of the dead to my +very beard, with so much fury and menace, in his face and action, +that I would have given him half the teeth in my head for a +composition. “These devils of the world,” quoth +he, “what would they be at? my masters, cannot a poor +wretch be quiet in his grave for ye? but ye must be casting your +scorns upon him, and charging him with things that upon my soul +he’s as innocent of as the child that’s unborn. +What hurt has he done any of you (ye scoundrels you) to be thus +abused?” “And I beseech you, sir,” said +I, “(under your favourable correction) who may you be? for +I confess I have not the honour either to know or to understand +ye.” “I am,” quoth he, “the +unfortunate Tony, that has been in his grave now this many a fair +year, and yet your wise worships <a name="page47"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 47</span>forsooth have not wit enough to make +yourselves and your company merry, but Tony must still be +one-half of your entertainment and discourse. When any man +plays the fool or the extravagant, presently he’s a +Tony. Who drew this or that ridiculous piece? +Tony. Such or such a one was never well taught: no, he had +a Tony to his master. But let me tell ye, he that shall +call your wisdoms to shrift and take a strict account of your +words and actions, will upon the upshot find you all a company of +Tonys, and in effect the greater impertinents. As for +instance: did I ever make ridiculous wills (as you do) to oblige +others to pray for a man in his grave, that never prayed for +himself in his life? Did I ever rebel against my +superiors? Or, was I ever so arrant a coxcomb, as by +colouring my cheeks and hair, to imagine that I could reform +nature, and make myself young again? Can ye say that I ever +put an oath to a lie? or broke a solemn promise, as you do every +day that goes over your heads? Did I ever enslave myself to +money? Or, on the other side, make ducks and drakes with +it? and squander it away in gaming, revelling, and whoring? +Did my wife ever wear the breeches? Or, did I ever marry <a +name="page48"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 48</span>at all, to be +revenged of a false mistress? Was I ever so very a fool as +to believe any man would be true to me, who had betrayed his +friend? Or, to venture all my hopes upon the wheel of +fortune? Did I ever envy the felicity of a court-life, that +sells and spends all for a glance? What pleasure did I ever +take in the lewd discourses of heretics and libertines? Or, +did I ever list myself in the party, to get the name of a gifted +brother? Who ever saw me insolent to my inferiors, or +basely servile to my betters? Did I ever go to a conjurer, +or to your dealers in nativities, and horoscopes upon any +occasion of loss or death? Now if you yourselves be guilty +of all these fopperies, and I innocent, I beseech ye +where’s the Tony? So that you see Tony is not the +Tony you take him for. But (to crown his other virtues) he +is also endued with so large a stock of patience that whoever +needed it had it for the asking, unless it were such as came to +borrow money; or in cases of women, that claimed marriage of him; +or lackeys that would be making sport with his bauble; and to +these, he was as resolute as John Florio.”</p> +<p>While we were upon this discourse, another of the dead came +marching up to <a name="page49"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +49</span>me, with a Spanish pace and gravity; and giving me a +touch o’ the elbow, “Look me in the face,” +quoth he with a stern countenance, “and know, sir, that you +are not now to have to do with a Tony.” “I +beseech your lordship,” said I, “(saving your +reverence) let me know your honour, that I may pay my respects +accordingly; for I must confess, I thought all people here had +been, hail fellow well met.” “I am +called,” quoth he, “by mortals, Queen Dick; and +whether you know me or not, I’m sure you think and talk of +me often enough; and if the devil did not possess ye, you would +let the dead alone, and content yourselves to persecute one +another. Ye can’t see a high crowned hat, a +threadbare cloak, a basket-hilt sword, or a dudgeon dagger, nay +not so much as a reverend matron, well stricken in years, but +presently ye cry, “This or that’s of the mode or date +of Queen Dick.” If ye were not every mother’s +child of ye stark mad, ye would confess that Queen Dick’s +were golden days to those ye have had since, and ’tis an +easy matter to prove what I say. Will ye see a mother now +teaching her daughter a lesson of good government? +‘Child,’ says she, ‘you know that modesty is +the great ornament of your sex; wherefore <a +name="page50"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 50</span>be sure, when +ye come in company, that you don’t stand staring the men in +the face, as if ye were looking babies in their eyes, but rather +look a little downward, as a fashion of behaviour more suitable +to the obligations of your sex.’ +‘Downward?’ says the girl, ‘I beseech you, +madam, excuse me: this was well enough in the days of Queen Dick, +when the poor creatures knew no better. Let the men look +downward towards the clay of which they were made, but man was +our original, and it will become us to keep our eyes upon the +matter from whence we came.’ If a father give his son +in charge, to worship his Creator, to say his prayers morning and +evening, to give thanks before and after meat, to have a care of +gaming and swearing, ye shall have the son make answer, that +’tis true, this was practised in the time of Queen Dick, +but it is now quite out of mode; and in plain English, men are +better known nowadays by their atheism and blasphemy than by +their beards.”</p> +<p>Hereupon, Queen Dick withdrew, and then appeared a large +glass-bottle, wherein was luted up (as I heard) a famous +necromancer, hacked and minced according to his own order, to +render him immortal. <a name="page51"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 51</span>It was boiling upon a quick fire, and +the flesh by little and little began to piece again, and made +first an arm, then a thigh, after that a leg; and at last there +was an entire body, that raised itself upright in the +bottle. Bless me (thought I!) what’s here? A +man made of a pottage, and brought into the world out of the +belly of a bottle? This vision affrighted me to the very +heart; and while I was yet panting and trembling, a voice was +heard out of the glass. “In what year of our Lord are +we?” “1636,” quoth I. “And +welcome,” said he; “for ’tis the happy year I +have longed for so many a day.” “Who is it, I +pray’e,” quoth I, “that I now see and hear in +the belly of this bottle?” “I am,” said +he, “the great necromancer of Europe; and certainly you +cannot but have heard both of my operations in general, and of +this particular design.” “I have heard talk of +you from a child,” quoth I, “but all those stories I +took only for old wives’ fables. You are the man then +it seems: I must confess that at first, at a distance I took this +bottle for the vessel that the ingenious Rabelais makes mention +of; but coming near enough to see what was in it, I did then +imagine it might be some philosopher <a name="page52"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 52</span>by the fire, or some apothecary doing +penance for his errors. In fine, it has cost me many a +heavy step to come hither, and yet to see so great a rarity I +cannot but think my time and pains very well +bestowed.” The necromancer called to me then to +unstop the bottle, and as I was breaking the clay to open it, +“Hold, hold a little,” he cried; “and I prithee +tell me first how go squares in Spain? What money? +Force? Credit?” “The plate fleets go and +come,” said I, “reasonably well; but the foreigners +that come in for their snips have half spoiled the trade. +The Genoeses run out as far as the mountains of Potosi, and have +almost drained them dry.” “My child,” +quoth he, “that trade can never be secure and open, so long +as Spain has any enemy that’s potent at sea. And for +the Genoeses, they’ll tell you this is no injustice at all, +but on the contrary, a new way of quitting old scores, and +justifying his Catholic Majesty for a good paymaster. I am +no enemy to that nation, but upon the account of their vices and +encroachments; and I confess, rather than see these rascals +prosper, I’d turn myself into a <i>bouillon</i> again, as +ye saw me just now; nay, I did not care if ’twere into a +powder, though I <a name="page53"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +53</span>ended my days in a tobacco-box.” “Good +sir,” said I, “comfort yourself, for these people are +as miserable as you’d wish them. You know they are +cavaliers and signiors already, and now (forsooth) they have an +itch upon them to be princes: a vanity that gnaws them like a +cancer; and by drawing on great expenses, breeds a worm in their +traffic, so that you’ll find little but debt and +extravagance at the foot of the accompt. And then the +devil’s in them for a wench, insomuch, that ’tis +well, if they bring both ends together; for what’s gotten +upon the ’Change is spent in the stews.”</p> +<p>“This is well,” quoth the necromancer, “and +I’m glad to hear it. Pray’e tell me now, what +price bears honour and honesty in the world?” +“There’s much to be said,” quoth I, “upon +that point; but in brief, there was never more of it in talk, nor +less in effect. ‘Upon my honesty,’ cries the +tradesman; ‘Upon my honour,’ says his lordship. +And in a word, every man has it, and every thing is it, in some +disguise or other; but duly considered, there’s no such +thing upon the face of the earth. The thief says ’tis +more honourable to take than beg. He that asks an alms, +pleads that ’tis honester to beg <a name="page54"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 54</span>than steal. Nay the false +witnesses and murderers themselves stand upon their points, as +well as their neighbours, and will tell ye that a man of honour +will rather be buried alive than submit (though they will not +always do as they say). Upon the whole matter, every man +sets up a court of honour within himself, pronounces everything +honourable that serves his purpose, and laughs at them that think +otherwise. To say the truth, all things are now +topsy-turvy. A good faculty in lying is a fair step to +preferment; and to pack a game at cards, or help the frail die, +is become the mark and glory of a cavalier. The Spaniards +were heretofore, I confess, a very brave, and well governed +people; but they have evil tongues among them nowadays, that say +they might e’en go to school to the Indians to learn +sobriety and virtue. For they are not really sober, but at +their own tables, which indeed is rather avarice than moderation; +for when they eat or drink at another man’s cost, there are +no greater gluttons in the world; and for fuddling, they shall +make the best pot-companion in Switzerland knock under the +table.”</p> +<p>The necromancer went on with his <a name="page55"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 55</span>discourse, and asked me what store of +lawyers and attorneys in Spain at present. I told him, that +the whole world swarmed with them, and that there were of several +sorts: some, by profession; others, by intrusion and presumption; +and some again by study, but not many of the last, though indeed +sufficient of every kind to make the people pray for the Egyptian +locusts and caterpillars in exchange for that vermin. +“Why then,” quoth the necromancer, “if there be +such plagues abroad, I think I had best e’en keep where I +am.” “It is with justice,” said I, +“as with sick men; in time past, when we had fewer doctors +(as well of law as of physic) we had more right, and more health: +but we are now destroyed by multitudes, and consultations, which +serve to no other end than to inflame both the distemper and the +reckoning. Justice, as well as truth, went naked, in the +days of old; one single book of laws and ordinances, was enough +for the best ordered Government in the world. But the +justice of our age is tricked up with bills, parchments, writs, +and labels; and furnished with millions of codes, digests, +pandects, pleadings, and reports; and what’s their use, but +to make wrangling <a name="page56"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +56</span>a science? and to embroil us in seditions, suits, and +endless trouble and confusion. We have had more books +published this last twenty years than in a thousand before, and +there hardly passes a term without a new author, in four or five +volumes at least under the titles of glosses, commentaries, +cases, judgments, etc. And the great strife is, who writes +most, not best; so that the whole bulk is but a body without a +soul, and fitter for a churchyard than a study. To say the +truth, these lawyers and solicitors are but so many +smoke-merchants, sellers of wind, and troublers of the public +peace. If there were no attorneys, there would be no suits; +if no suits, no cheats, no serjeants; no catchpoles, no prisons; +if no prisons, no judges; no judges, no passion; no passion, no +bribery or subornation.</p> +<p>“See now what a train of mischiefs one wretched +pettifogger draws after him! If you go to him for counsel, +he hears your story, reads your case, and tells you very gravely: +‘Sir, this is a nice point, and would be well handled; +we’ll see what the law says.’ And then he runs +ye over with his eye and finger a matter of a hundred volumes, +grumbling all the while, like a <a name="page57"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 57</span>cat that claws in her play +’twixt jest and earnest. At last, down comes the +book, he shows the law, bids ye leave your papers, and +he’ll study the question. ‘But your cause is +very good,’ says he, ‘by what I see already, and if +you’ll come again in the evening, or to-morrow morning, +I’ll tell ye more. But pardon me, sir, now I think +on’t, I am retained upon the business of the Fens, it +cannot be till Monday next, and then I’m for +ye.’ When ye are to part, and that you come to the +greasing of his fist (the best thing in the world both for the +wit, and memory), ‘Good Lord! sir,’ says he, +‘what do you mean! I beseech you, sir; nay, +pray’e sir,’ and if he spies you drawing back, the +paw opens, seizes the guineas, and good-morrow +countryman.” “Sayst thou me so?” quoth +the good fellow in the glass, “stop me up close again as +thou lovest me then: for the very air of these rascals will +poison me, if ever I put my head out of this bottle, till the +whole race of them be extinct. In the meantime, take this +for a rule: he that would thrive by law, must fee his +enemies’ counsel as well as his own.</p> +<p>“But now ye talk of great cheats; what news of the +Venetians? Is Venice still <a name="page58"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 58</span>in the world or no?” +“In the world do ye say? Yes, marry +is’t,” said I, “and stands just where it +did.” “Why then,” quoth he, “I +prithee give it to the devil from me as a token of my love; for +’tis a present equal to the severest revenge. Nothing +can ever destroy that Republic but conscience; and then +you’ll say ’tis like to be long-lived; for if every +man had his own, it would not be left worth a groat. To +speak freely, ’tis an odd kind of common-wealth. +’Tis the very arse-gut, the drain and sink of monarchies, +both in war and peace. It helps the Turk to vex the +Christians, and the Christians to gall the Turk, and maintains +itself to torment both. The inhabitants are neither Moors +nor Christians, as appears by a Venetian captain, in a combat +against a Christian enemy: ‘Stand to’t my +masters,’ says he, ‘ye were Venetians before ye were +Christians.’</p> +<p>“Enough, enough of this,” cried the necromancer, +“and tell me, how stand the people affected? What +malcontents and mutineers?” “Mutiny,” +said I, “is so universal a disease that every kingdom is +(in effect) but a great hospital, or rather a Bedlam (for all men +are mad) to entertain the disaffected.” +“There’s no stirring <a name="page59"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 59</span>for me then,” quoth the +necromancer, “but pray’e commend me however to those +busy fools, and tell them, that carry what face they will, +there’s vanity and ambition in the pad. Kings and +princes have their nature much of quick-silver. They are in +perpetual agitation, and without any repose. Press them too +hard (that is to say beyond the bounds of duty and reason) and +they are lost. Ye may observe that your guilders and great +dealers in quick-silver are generally troubled with the palsy; +and so should all subjects tremble that have to do with majesty, +and better to do it at first, out of respect, than afterward, +upon force and necessity.</p> +<p>“But before I fall to pieces again, as you saw me +e’en now (for better so than worse) I beseech ye, one word +more, and it shall be my last. Who’s King of Spain +now?” “You know,” said I, “that +Philip the 3rd is dead.” “Right,” quoth +he, “a prince of incomparable piety, and virtue (or my +stars deceive me).” “After him,” said I, +“came Philip the 4th.” “If it be +so,” quoth he, “break, break my bottle immediately, +and help me out; for I am resolved to try my fortune in the world +once again, under the reign of that glorious <a +name="page60"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +60</span>prince.” And with that word, he dashed the +glass to pieces against a rock, crept out of his case and away he +ran. I had a good mind to have kept him company; but as I +was just about to start, “Let him go, let him go,” +cried one of the dead, and laid hold of my arm. “He +has devilish heels, and you’ll never overtake +him.”</p> +<p>So I stayed, and what should I see next but a wondrous old +man, whose name might have been Bucephalus by his head; and the +hair on his face might very well have stuffed a couple of +cushions: take him together, and you’ll find his picture in +the map, among the savages. I need not tell ye that I +stared upon him sufficiently; and he taking notice of it, came to +me, and told me: “Friend,” says he, “my spirit +tells me that you are now in pain to know who I am; understand +that my name is Nostradamus.” “Are you the +author, then,” quoth I, “of that gallimaufry of +prophecies that’s published in your name?” +“Gallimaufry say’st thou? Impudent and +barbarous rascal that thou art; to despise mysteries that are +above thy reach, and to revile the secretary of the stars, and +the interpreter of the destinies; who is so <a +name="page61"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 61</span>brutal as to +doubt the meaning of these lines?</p> +<blockquote><p>“From second causes, this I gather,<br /> +Nought shall befall us, good, or ill,<br /> +Either upon the land or water,<br /> +But what the Great Disposer will.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>“Reprobated and besotted villains that ye are! what +greater blessing could betide the world than the accomplishment +of this prophecy? would it not establish justice and holiness, +and suppress all the vile suggestions and motions of the +devil? Men would not then any longer set their hearts upon +avarice, cozening, and extortion; and make money their god, that +vagabond money, that’s perpetually trotting up and down +like a wandering whore, and takes up most commonly with the +unworthy, leaving the philosophers and prophets, which are the +very oracles of the heavens (such as Nostradamus) to go +barefoot. But let’s go on with our prophecies, and +see if they be so frivolous and dark, as the world reports +them.</p> +<blockquote><p>“When the married shall marry,<br /> +Then the jealous will be sorry;<br /> +And though fools will be talking,<br /> +To keep their tongues walking;<br /> +No man runs well I find,<br /> +But with’s elbows behind.”</p> +</blockquote> +<p><a name="page62"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 62</span>This +gave me such a fit of laughing that it made me cast my nose up +into the air, like a stone-horse that hath got a mare in the +wind: which put the astrologer out of all patience. +“Buffoon, and dog-whelp, as ye are,” quoth he, +“there’s a bone for you to pick; you must be snarling +and snapping at everything. Will your teeth serve ye now to +fetch out the marrow of this prophecy? Hear then in the +devil’s name, and be mannerly. Hear, and learn I say, +and let’s have no more of that grinning, unless ye have a +mind to leave your beard behind ye. Do you imagine that all +that are married marry? No, not the one half of them. +When you are married, the priest has done his part; but after +that, to marry, is to do the duty of a husband. Alack! how +many married men live as if they were single; and how many +bachelors on the other side, as if they were married! after the +mode of the times. And wedlock to divers couples is no +other than a more sociable state of virginity. Here’s +one half of my prophecy expounded already, now for the +rest. Let me see you run a little for experiment, and try +if you carry your elbows before, or behind. You’ll +tell me perhaps, that this is ridiculous, because everybody knows +it. <a name="page63"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +63</span>A pleasant shift: as if truth were the worse for being +plain. The things indeed that you deliver for truths are +for the most part mere fooleries and mistakes; and it were a hard +matter to put truth in such a dress as would please ye. +What have ye to say now, either against my prophecy or my +argument? not a syllable I warrant ye, and yet somewhat there is +to be said, for there’s no rule without an exception. +Does not the physician carry his elbow before him, when he puts +back his hand to take his patient’s money? And away +he’s gone in a trice, so soon as he has made his +purchase. But to proceed, here’s another of my +prophecies for ye,</p> +<blockquote><p>“Many women shall be mothers,<br /> + And their babbies,<br /> + Their n’own daddies.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>“What say ye to this now? are there not many husbands do +ye think (if the truth were known) that father more children than +their own? Believe me, friend, a man had need have good +security upon a woman’s belly, for children are commonly +made in the dark, and ’tis no easy matter to know the +workman, especially having nothing but the woman’s bare +word for’t. This is meant of the court of assistance; +<a name="page64"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 64</span>and +whoever interprets my prophecies to the prejudice of any person +of honour, abuses me. You little think what a world of our +gay folks in their coaches and six, with lackeys at their heels +by the dozens, will be found at the last day, to be only the +bastards of some pages, gentlemen-ushers, or <i>valets de +chambre</i> of the family; nay perchance the physician may have +had his hand in the wrong box, and in case of a necessity, good +use has been made of a lusty coachman. Little do you think +(I say) how many noble families upon that grand discovery, will +be found extinct for want of issue.”</p> +<p>“I am now convinced,” said I to the mathematician, +“of the excellency of your predictions; and I perceive +(since you have been pleased to be your own interpreter) that +they have more weight in them than we were aware of.” +“Ye shall have one more,” quoth he, “and I have +done.</p> +<blockquote><p>“This year, if I’ve any skill i’ +th’ weather,<br /> +Shall many a one take wing with a feather.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>“I dare say that your wit will serve ye now to imagine, +that I’m talking of rooks and jackdaws; but I say, +No. I speak of lawyers, attorneys, clerks, scriveners, <a +name="page65"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 65</span>and their +fellows, that with the dash of a pen can defeat their clients of +their estates, and fly away with them when they have +done.”</p> +<p>Upon these words Nostradamus vanished, and somebody plucking +me behind, I turned my face upon the most meagre, melancholic +wretch that ever was seen, and covered all in white. +“For pity’s sake,” says he, “and as you +are a good Christian, do but deliver me from the persecution of +these impertinents and babblers that are now tormenting me, and +I’ll be your slave for ever” (casting himself at my +feet in the same moment; and crying like a child). +“And what art thou,” quoth I, “for a miserable +creature?” “I am,” says he, “an +ancient, and an honest man, although defamed with a thousand +reproaches and slanders: and in fine, some call me another, and +others somebody, and doubtless ye cannot but have heard of +me. As somebody says, cries one, that has nothing to say +for himself; and yet till this instant, I never so much as opened +my mouth. The Latins call me Quidam, and make good use of +me to fill up lines, and stop gaps. When you go back again +into the world, I pray’e do me the favour to own that you +have seen me, and to justify me <a name="page66"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 66</span>for one that never did, and never +will either speak or write anything, whatever some tattling +idiots may pretend. When they bring me into quarrels and +brawls, I am called forsooth, a certain person; in their +intrigues, I know not who; and in the pulpit, a certain author; +and all this, to make a mystery of my name, and lay all their +fooleries at my door. Wherefore I beseech ye help +me;” which I promised to do. And so this vision +withdrew to make place for another.</p> +<p>And that was the most frightful piece of antiquity that ever +eye beheld in the shape of an old woman. She came nodding +towards me, and in a hollow, rattling tone (for she spoke more +with her chops than her tongue) “Pray’e,” says +she, “is there not somebody come lately hither from the +other world?” This apparition, thought I, is +undoubtedly one of the devil’s scarecrows. Her eyes +were so sunk in their sockets, that they looked like a pair of +dice in the bottom of a couple of red boxes. Her cheeks and +the soles of her feet were of the same complexion. Her +mouth was pale, and open too; the better to receive the +distillations of her nose. Her chin was covered with a kind +of goose-down, as toothless as a lamprey; <a +name="page67"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 67</span>and the flaps +of her cheeks were like an ape’s bags; her head danced, and +her voice at every word kept time to’t. Her body was +veiled, or rather wrapped up in a shroud of crape. She had +a crutch in one hand, which served her for a supporter; and a +rosary in t’other, of such a length, that as she stood +stooping over it, a man would have thought she had been fishing +for death’s heads. When I had done gaping upon this +epitome of past ages, “Hola! grannum,” quoth I, good +lustily in her ear, taking for granted that she was deaf, +“what’s your pleasure with me?” With that +she gave a grunt, and being much in wrath to be called grannum, +clapped a fair pair of spectacles upon her nose, and pinking +through them, “I am,” quoth she, “neither deaf, +nor grannum; but may be called by my name as well as my +neighbours,” (giving to understand, that women will take it +ill to be called old, even in their very graves). As she +spake, she came still nearer me, with her eyes dropping, and the +smell about her perfectly of a dead body. I begged her +pardon for what was past, and for the future her name, that I +might be sure to keep myself within the bounds of respect. +“I am called,” says she, “Doüegna, or +Madam <a name="page68"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 68</span>the +Gouvernante.” “How’s that?” quoth +I, in a great amazement. “Have ye any of those cattle +in this country? Let the inhabitants pray heartily for +peace then; and all little enough to keep them quiet. But +to see my mistake now. I thought the women had died, when +they came to be gouvernantes, and that for the punishment of a +wicked world, the gouvernantes had been immortal. But I am +now better informed, and very glad truly to meet with a person I +have heard so much talk of. For with us, who but Madam the +Gouvernante, at every turn? ‘Do ye see that mumping +hag,’ cries one? ‘Come here ye damned +jade,’ cries another. ‘That old bawd,’ +says a third, ‘has forgotten, I warrant ye, that ever she +was a whore, and now see if we do not remember +ye.’” “You do so, and I’m in your +debt for your remembrance, the great devil be your paymaster, ye +son of a whore, you; are there no more gouvernantes than +myself? Sure there are, and ye may have your choice, +without affronting me.” “Well, well,” +said I, “have a little patience, and at my return, +I’ll try if I can put things in better order. But in +the meantime, what business have you here?” Her +reverence upon this was a little qualified, and told <a +name="page69"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 69</span>me that she +had now been eight hundred years in hell, upon a design to erect +an order of the gouvernantes; but the right worshipful the +devil-commissioners are not as yet come to any resolution upon +the point. For say they, if your gouvernantes should come +once to settle here, there would need no other tormentors, and we +should be but so many Jacks out of office. And besides, we +should be perpetually at daggers-drawing about the brands and +candle-ends which they would still be filching, and laying out of +the way; and for us to have our fuel to seek, would be very +inconvenient. “I have been in purgatory too,” +she said, “upon the same project, but there so soon as ever +they set eye on me, all the souls cried out unanimously, +<i>libera nos</i>, etc. As for heaven, that’s no +place for quarrels, slanders, disquiets, heart-burnings, and +consequently none for me. The dead are none of my friends +neither, for they grumble, and bid me let them alone as they do +me; and be gone into the world again if I please, and there (they +tell me) I may play the gouvernante <i>in sæcula +sæculorum</i>. But truly I had rather be here at my +ease than spend my life crumpling, and brooding over a carpet at +a bed-side, like a thing of clouts, to <a name="page70"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 70</span>secure the poultry of the family from +strange cocks, which would now and then have a brush with a +virgin pullet, but for the care of the gouvernantes. And +yet ’tis she, good woman, bears all the blame, in case of +any miscarriage: the gouvernante was presently of the plot, she +had a feeling in the cause, a finger in the pie. And +’tis she in fine that must answer for all. Let but a +sock, an old handkercher, the greasy lining of a masque, or any +such frippery piece of business be missing, ask the gouvernante +for this, or for that. And in short, they take us certainly +for so many storks and ducks, to gather up all the filth about +the house. The servants look upon us as spies and +tell-tales: my cousin forsooth, and t’other’s aunt +dares not come to the house, for fear of the gouvernante. +And indeed I have made many of them cross themselves, that took +me for a ghost. Our masters they curse us too for +embroiling the family. So that I have rather chosen to take +up here, betwixt the dead and the living, than to return again to +my charge of a Doüegna, the very sound of the name being +more terrible than a gibbet. As appears by one that was +lately travelling from Madrid to Vailladolid, and asking where he +might lodge that night. Answer <a name="page71"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 71</span>was made at a small village called +Doüegnas. ‘But is there no other place,’ +quoth he, ‘within some reasonable distance, either short or +beyond it?’ They told him no, unless it were at a +gallows. ‘That shall be my quarter then,’ quoth +he, ‘for a thousand gibbets are not so bad to me as one +Doüegnas.’ Now ye see how we are abused,” +quoth the gouvernante, “I hope you’ll do us some +right, when it lies in your power.”</p> +<p>She would have talked me to death, if I had not given her the +slip upon the removing of her spectacles; but I could not +’scape so neither, for looking about me for a guide to +carry me home again, I was arrested by one of the dead; a good +proper fellow, only he had a pair of rams’ horns on his +head, and I was about to salute him for Aries in the Zodiac; but +when I saw him plant himself, just before me, with his best leg +forward, stretching out his arms, clutching his fists, and +looking as sour as if he would have eaten me without mustard, +“Doubtless,” said I, “the devil is dead and +this is he.” “No, no,” cried a bystander, +“this is a man:” “Why then,” said I, +“he’s drunk, I perceive, and quarrelsome in his ale, +for here’s <a name="page72"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +72</span>nobody has touched him.” With that, as he +was just ready to fall on, I stood to my guard, and we were armed +at all points alike, only he had the odds of the headpiece. +“Now, sirrah,” says he, “have at ye, slave that +you are to make a trade of defaming persons of honour. By +the death that commands here, I’ll ha’ my revenge, +and turn your skin over your ears.” This insolent +language stirred my choler I confess, and so I called to him +“Come, come on, sirrah; a little nearer yet, and if ye have +a mind to be twice killed, I’ll do your business; who the +devil brought this cornuto hither to trouble me?” The +word was no sooner out, but we were immediately at it, tooth and +nail, and if his horns had not been flatted to his head, I might +have had the worst on’t. But the whole ring presently +came in to part us, and did me a singular kindness in’t, +for my adversary had a fork, and I had none. As they were +staving and tailing, “You might have had more +manners,” cried one, “than to give such language to +your betters, and to call Don Diego Moreno cuckold.” +“And is this that Diego Moreno then?” said I. +“Rascal that he is to charge me with abusing persons of +honour. A scoundrel,” said I, “that ’tis +<a name="page73"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 73</span>a shame +for death to be seen in’s company, and was never fit for +anything in his whole life, but to furnish matter for a +farce.” “And that’s my grievance, +gentlemen,” quoth Don Diego, “for which with your +leave he shall give me satisfaction. I do not stand upon +the matter of being a cuckold, for there’s many a brave +fellow lives in Cuckold’s-Row. But why does he not +name others, as well as me? As if the horn grew upon +nobody’s head but mine: I’m sure there are others +that a thousand times better deserve it. I hope, he cannot +say that ever I gored any of my superiors; or that my being +cornuted has raised the price of post-horns, lanthorns, or +pocket-ink-horns. Are not shoeing-horns and knife-handles +as cheap now as ever? Why must I walk the stage then more +than my neighbours? Beyond question there never lived a +more peaceable wretch upon the face of the earth, all things +considered, than myself. Never was man freer from jealousy, +or more careful to step aside at the time of visit: for I was +ever against the spoiling of sport, when I could make none +myself. I confess I was not so charitable to the poor as I +might have been; the truth of’t <a name="page74"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 74</span>is, I watched them as a cat would do +a mouse, for I did not love them. But then in requital, I +could have out-snorted the Seven Sleepers, when any of the better +sort came to have a word in private with my wife. The short +on’t is, we agreed blessedly well together, she and I; for +I did whatever she would have me; and she would say a thousand +and a thousand times ‘Long live my poor Diego, the best +conditioned, the most complaisant husband in the world; whatever +I do is well done, and he never so much as opens his mouth good +or bad.’ But by her leave that was little to my +credit, and the jade when she said it was beside the +cushion. For many and many a time have I said ‘This +is well,’ and ‘That’s ill.’ When +there came any poets to our house, fiddlers or morrice-dancers, I +would say, ‘This is not well.’ But when the +rich merchants came ‘Oh, very good,’ would I say, +‘this is as well as well can be.’ Sometimes we +had the hap to be visited by some penniless courtier, or +low-country officer perchance; then should I take her aside, and +rattle her to some tune: ‘Sweetheart,’ would I say, +‘pray’e what ha’ we to do with these frippery +fellows and damme boys. Shake them off, I’d advise +ye, and take this for a <a name="page75"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 75</span>warning.’ But when any +came that had to do with the mint or exchequer, and spent freely +(for lightly come, lightly go), ‘I marry, my dear,’ +quoth I, ‘there’s nothing to be lost by keeping such +company.’ And what hurt in all this now? Nay, +on the contrary, my poor wife enjoyed herself happily under the +protection of my shadow, and being a <i>femme couverte</i>, not +an officer durst come near her. Why should then this +buffoon of a poetaster make me still the ridiculous entertainment +of all his interludes and farces, and the fool in the +play?” “By your favour,” quoth I, +“we are not yet upon even terms; and before we part, you +shall know what ’tis to provoke a poet. If thou wert +but now alive, I’d write thee to death, as Archilocus did +Lycambes. And I’m resolved to put the history of thy +life in a satire, as sharp as vinegar, and give it the name of +The Life and Death of Don Diego Moreno.” “It +shall go hard,” quoth he, “but I’ll prevent +that,” and so we fell to’t again, hand and foot, till +at length the very fancy of a scuffle waked me, and I found +myself as weary, as if it had been a real combat. I began +then to reflect upon the particulars of my dream, and to consider +what advantage I might draw from it: for the <a +name="page76"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 76</span>dead are past +fooling, and those are the soundest counsels which we receive +from such as advise us without either passion or interest.</p> +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<p style="text-align: center">THE END OF THE SECOND VISION</p> +<h2><a name="page77"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 77</span>THE +THIRD VISION OF THE LAST JUDGMENT</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">Homer</span> makes Jupiter the author or +inspirer of dreams; especially the dreams of princes and +governors; and if the matter of them be pious and +important. And it is likewise the judgment of the learned +Propertius that good dreams come from above, have their weight, +and ought not to be slighted. And truly I am much of his +mind, in the case of a dream I had the other night. As I +was reading a discourse touching the end of the world, I fell +asleep over the book, and dreamt of the last judgment. (A +thing which in the house of a poet is scarce admitted so much as +in a dream.) This fancy minded me of a passage in Claudian: +that all creatures dream at night of what they have heard and +seen in the day, as the hound dreams of hunting the hare.</p> +<p>Methought I saw a very handsome youth <a +name="page78"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 78</span>towering in +the air, and sounding of a trumpet; but the forcing of his breath +did indeed take off much of his beauty. The very marbles, I +perceived, and the dead obeyed his call; for in the same moment, +the earth began to open, and set the bones at liberty, to seek +their fellows. The first that appeared were sword-men, as +generals of armies, captains, lieutenants, common soldiers, who +supposing that it had sounded a charge, came out of their graves, +with the same briskness and resolution, as if they had been going +to an assault or a combat. The misers put their heads out, +all pale and trembling, for fear of a plunder. The +cavaliers and good fellows believed they had been going to a +horserace, or a hunting-match. And in fine, though they all +heard the trumpet, there was not any creature knew the meaning of +it (for I could read their thoughts by their looks and +gestures). After this, there appeared a great many souls, +whereof some came up to their bodies, though with much difficulty +and horror; others stood wondering at a distance, not daring to +come near so hideous and frightful a spectacle. This wanted +an arm, that an eye, t’other a head. Upon the whole, +though I could not but smile at the prospect <a +name="page79"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 79</span>of so strange +a variety of figures, yet was it not without just matter of +admiration at the all-powerful Providence, to see order drawn out +of confusion, and every part restored to the right owner. I +dreamt myself then in a churchyard; and there, methought, divers +that were loth to appear were changing of heads; and an attorney +would have demurred upon pretence that he had got a soul was none +of his own, and that his body and soul were not fellows.</p> +<p>At length, when the whole congregation came to understand that +this was the day of judgment, it was worth the while to observe +what shifting and shuffling there was among the wicked. The +epicure and whoremaster would not own his eyes, nor the slanderer +his tongue, because they’d be sure to appear in evidence +against them. The pickpockets ran away as hard as they +could drive from their own fingers. There was one that had +been embalmed in Egypt, and staying for his tripes, an old usurer +asked him, if the bags were to rise with the bodies? I +could have laughed at this question, but I was presently taken up +with a crowd of cutpurses, running full speed from their own ears +(that were offered them again) for fear of the sad stories they +expected to hear. I saw all <a name="page80"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 80</span>this from a convenient standing; and +in the instant, there was an outcry at my feet, “Withdraw, +withdraw.” The word was no sooner given, but down I +came, and immediately a great many handsome ladies put forth +their heads, and called me clown, for not paying them that +respect and ceremony which belonged to their quality (now you +must know that the women stand upon their pantofles, even in hell +itself). They seemed at first very gay and frolic; and +truly, well enough pleased to be seen naked, for they were +clean-skinned and well made. But when they came to +understand that this was the great day of accompt; their +consciences took check, and all the jollity was dashed in a +moment; whereupon they took to the valley, miserably listless and +out of humour. There was one among the rest, that had had +seven husbands, and promised every one of them never to marry +again, for she could never love anything else she was sure: this +lady was casting about for fetches, and excuses, and what answer +she should make to that point. Another that had been as +common as Ratcliff highway, would neither lead nor drive, and +stood humming and hawing a good while, pretending she had forgot +her night-gear, and <a name="page81"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +81</span>such fooleries; but spite of her heart, she was brought +at last within sight of the throne, where she found a world of +her old acquaintance that she had carried part of their way to +hell, who had no sooner set eye on her, but they fell a pointing +and hooting, so that she took up her heels and herded herself in +a troop of serjeants. After this, I saw a many people +driving a physician along the bank of a river, and these were +only such as he had unnecessarily dispatched before their +time. They followed him with cries of, “Justice, +justice,” and forced him on toward the judgment-seat, where +they arrived in the end with much ado. While this passed, I +heard, methought, upon my left hand a paddling in the water, as +if one had been swimming: and what should this be, but a judge in +the middle of a river washing and rinsing his hands, over and +over. I asked him the meaning of it; and he told me, that +in his lifetime he had been often daubed in the fist, to make the +business slip the better, and he would willingly get out the +grease before he came to hold up his hand at the bar. There +followed next a multitude of vintners and tailors, under the +guard of a legion of devils, armed with rods, whips, cudgels, and +other instruments <a name="page82"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +82</span>of correction: and these counterfeited themselves deaf, +and were very loth to leave their graves, for fear of a worse +lodging. As they were passing on, up started a little +lawyer, and asked whither they were going; they made answer, that +they were going to give an account of their works. With +that the lawyer threw himself flat upon his belly in his hole +again: “If I am to go downward at last,” says he, +“I am thus much onward of my way.” The vintner +sweat as he walked, till one drop followed another; +“That’s well done,” cried a devil at’s +elbow, “to purge out thy water, that we may have none in +our wine.” There was a tailor wrapped up in +sarcenets, crook-fingered and baker-legged, spake not one word +all the way he went, but alas! alas! how can any man be a thief +that dies for want of bread? But his companions gave him a +rebuke for discrediting his trade. The next that appeared +were a band of highwaymen, following upon the heels one of +another, in great distrust and jealousy of thieves among +themselves. These were fetched up by a party of devils in +the turning of a hand and lodged with the tailors; +“for,” said one of the company, “your +highwayman is but a wild tailor.” They were a little +quarrelsome <a name="page83"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +83</span>at first, but in the conclusion, they went down into the +valley, and kennelled quietly together. After these came +Folly with her gang of poets, fiddlers, lovers, and fencers: the +people of all the world, that dream the least of a day of +reckoning; these were disposed of among the hangmen, Jews, +scribes, and philosophers. There were also a great many +solicitors wondering among themselves, that they should have so +much conscience when they were dead, and none at all +living. In fine, the word was given, Silence.</p> +<p>The throne being erected, and the great day come: a day of +comfort to the good, and of terror to the wicked. The sun +and the stars waited on the footstool; the wind was still; the +water quiet; the earth in suspense and anguish for fear of her +children: and in brief, the whole creation was in anxiety and +disorder. The righteous they were employed in prayers and +thanksgivings; and the ungodly in framing of shifts and evasions, +to extenuate their pains. The guardian angels were at hand, +on the one side to acquit themselves of their duties and +commissions. And on the other side, were the devils hunting +for more matters of aggravation and charge against +offenders. The Ten Commandments had <a +name="page84"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 84</span>the guard of +a narrow gate, which was so strait, that the most mortified body +could not pass it, without leaving a good part of his skin behind +him.</p> +<p>On one hand, there were in multitudes, disgraces, misfortunes, +plagues, griefs, and troubles; all in a clamour against the +physicians. The plague confessed, indeed, that she had +struck many; but ’twas the doctor did their business. +Melancholy and disgrace said the like; and misfortunes of all +sorts made open protestation, that they never brought any man to +his grave without the help and advice of a doctor. So that +the gentlemen of the faculty were called to account for those +they had killed. They took their places upon a scaffold, +with pen, ink, and paper about them; and still as the dead were +called, some or other of them answered to the name, and declared +the year and day when such a patient passed through his hand.</p> +<p>They began the inquiry at Adam, who, methought, was severely +handled about an apple. “Alas!” cried Judas +that was by, “if that were such a fault, what will become +of me that sold and betrayed my Lord and Master?” +Next came the patriarchs, and then the apostles, who took their +places by Saint Peter. It was worth <a +name="page85"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 85</span>the noting, +that at this day there was no distinction between kings and +beggars, before the judgment-seat. Herod and Pilate, so +soon as they put out their heads, found it was like to go hard +with them. “My judgment is just,” quoth +Pilate. “Alack!” cried Herod, “what have +I to trust to? Heaven is no place for me, and in Limbo I +should fall among the innocents I have murdered; so that without +more ado I must e’en take up my lodging in hell: the common +receptacle of notorious malefactors.”</p> +<p>There came in immediately upon this a kind of a sour +rough-hewn fellow. “Look ye,” says he, +stretching out his arm, “here are my letters.” +The company wondered at the humour, and asked the porter what he +was; which he himself overhearing, “I am,” quoth he, +“a master of the noble science of defence;” and, +plucking out several sealed parchments, “These,” said +he, “are the attestations of my exploits.” At +which word, all his testimonials fell out of his hand, and a +couple of devils would fain have whipped them up, to have brought +them in evidence against him at his trial; but the fencer was too +nimble for them, and took them up himself. At which time, +an angel offered <a name="page86"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +86</span>him his hand to help him in; but he, for fear of an +attack, leaped a step backward, and with great agility, alonging +withal, “Now,” says he, “if ye think fit, +I’ll give ye a taste of my skill.” The company +fell a laughing, and this sentence was passed upon him: that +since by his rules of art he had occasioned so many duels and +murders, he should himself go to the devil by a perpendicular +line. He pleaded for himself, that he was no mathematician, +and knew no such line; but while the word was in his mouth a +devil came up to him, gave him a turn and a half, and down he +tumbled.</p> +<p>After him, came the treasurers, and such a cry following them, +for cheating and stealing, that some said the thieves were +coming; others said no; and the company was divided +upon’t. They were much troubled at the word, thieves, +and desired the benefit of counsel to plead their cause. +“And very good reason,” said one of the devils, +“here’s a discarded apostle that has executed both +offices, let them take him, where’s Judas?” +When the treasurers heard that, they turned aside, and by chance, +spied in a devil’s hand, a huge roll of accusations ready +drawn into a formal charge against them. With that, <a +name="page87"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 87</span>one of the +boldest among them: “Away, away,” cried he, +“with these informations; we’ll rather come to a fine +and compound, though it were for ten or twenty thousand years in +purgatory.” “Ha! ha!” quoth the devil, a +cunning snap that drew up the charge, “if ye are upon those +terms ye are hard put to’t.” Whereupon the +treasurers, being brought to a forced put, were e’en glad +to make the best of a bad game, and follow the fencer.</p> +<p>These were no sooner gone, but in came an unlucky pastry-man; +they asked him if he would be tried. “That’s +e’en as’t hits,” said he. At that word, +the devil that managed the cause against him, pressed his charge, +and laid it home to him, that he had put off cats for hares; and +filled his pies with bones instead of flesh; and not only so, but +that he had sold horse-flesh, dogs, and foxes, for beef and +mutton. Upon the issue, it was proved against him, that +Noah never had so many animals in his ark as this poor fellow had +put in his pies (for we read of no rats and mice there), so that +he e’en gave up his cause, and went away to see if his oven +were hot. Next, came the philosophers with their +syllogisms, and it was no ill entertainment to hear them <a +name="page88"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 88</span>chop logic, +and put all their expostulations, in mood and figure. But +the pleasantest people in the world were the poets, who insisted +upon it, that they were to be tried by Jupiter; and to the charge +of worshiping false gods, their answer was that through them they +worshipped the true one, and were rather mistaken in the name +than in the worship. Virgil had much to say for himself, +for his <i>Sicelides Musæ</i>; but Orpheus interrupted him, +who being the father of the poets desired to be heard for them +all. “What, he?” cried one of the devils, +“yes; for teaching that boys were better bed-fellows than +wenches; but the women had combed his coxcomb for him, if they +could have catched him.” “Away with him to hell +once again,” then they cried; “and let him get out +now if he can.” So they all filed off, and Orpheus +was their guide, because he had been there once before. So +soon as the poets were gone, there knocked at the gate a rich +penurious chuff; but ’twas told him that the Ten +Commandments kept it, and that he had not kept them. +“It is impossible,” quoth he, “under favour, to +prove that ever I broke any one of them.” And so he +went to justify himself from point to point: he had done this and +that; and he <a name="page89"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +89</span>had never done that, nor t’other; but in the end, +he was delivered over to be rewarded according to his +works. And then came on a company of house-breakers and +robbers, so dexterous, some of them, that they saved themselves +from the very ladder. The scriveners and attorneys +observing that, ah! thought they; if we could but pass for +thieves now! And yet they set a face good enough upon the +business too; which made Judas and Mahomet hope well of +themselves; “for,” said they, “if any of these +fellows come off, there’s no fear of us.” +Whereupon they advanced boldly, with a resolution to take their +trial; which set the devils all a laughing. The guardian +angels of the scriveners and attorneys moved that the evangelists +might be of their counsel; which the devils opposed, +“for,” said they, “we shall insist only upon +the matter of fact, and leave them without any possibility of +reply, or excuse. We might indeed content ourselves with +the bare proof of what they are; for ’tis crime enough that +they are scriveners and attorneys.” With that, the +scriveners denied their trade, alleging that they were +secretaries; and the attorneys called themselves +solicitors. All was said, in effect, <a +name="page90"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 90</span>that the case +would bear; but the best part of their plea was +church-membership. And in fine, after several replications +and rejoinders, they were all sent to Old Nick; save only two or +three, that found mercy. “Well,” cried one of +the scriveners, “this ’tis to keep lewd +company!” The devils called out then, to clear the +bar, and said they should have occasion for the scriveners +themselves, to enter protestations in the quality of public +notaries, against lawless and disorderly people; but the poor +wretches, it seems, could not hear on that ear. To say the +truth, the Christians were much more troublesome than the pagans, +which the devils took exceeding ill; but they had this to say for +themselves, that they were christened when they were children, so +that ’twas none of their fault, and their parents must +answer for’t. Judas and Mahomet took such courage, +when they saw two or three of the scriveners and attorneys saved +that they were just upon the point of challenging their clergy; +but they were prevented by the doctor I told ye of, who was set +first to the bar, in company with an apothecary and a barber, +when a certain devil, with a great bundle of evidences in his +hand, informed the court that the greatest part of the <a +name="page91"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 91</span>dead there +present were sent thither by the doctor then at the bar, in +confederacy with his apothecary and barber, to whom they were to +acknowledge their obligation for that fair assembly. An +angel then interposing for the defendant, recommended the +apothecary for a charitable person and one that physicked the +poor for nothing. “No matter for that,” cried +the devil; “for I have him in my books, and am able to +prove that he has killed more people with two little boxes than +the King of Spain has done with two thousand barrels of powder, +in the low-country wars. All his medicines are corrupted, +and his compositions hold a perfect intelligence with the plague: +he has utterly unpeopled a couple of his neighbour villages, in a +matter of three weeks’ time.” The doctor he let +fly upon the ’pothecary too, and said he would maintain, +against the whole college, that his prescriptions were according +to the dispensatory; and if an apothecary would play the knave, +or the fool, and put in this for that, he could not help +it. So that without any more words the ’pothecary was +put to the sommersault, and the doctor and barber were brought +off, at the intercession of St. Cosmus and St. Damian.</p> +<p><a name="page92"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 92</span>After +these, came a dapper lawyer, with a tongue steeped in oil, and a +great master of his words and actions; a most exquisite +flatterer, and no man better skilled in the art of moving the +passions than himself, or more ready at bolting a lucky president +at a dead lift, or at making the best of a bad cause; for he had +all the shifts and starting-holes in the law at his +fingers’ ends. But all this would not serve, for the +verdict went against him, and he was ordered to pay costs. +In that instant, there was a discovery made of a fellow that hid +himself in a corner, and looked like a spy. They asked him +what he was. He made answer, “An +empiric.” “What,” said a devil, “my +old friend Pontæus: Alas! alas! thou hadst ten thousand +times better be in Covent Garden now, or at Charing Cross; for +upon my word thou’t have nothing to do here, unless, +perhaps, for an ointment for a burn or so;” and so +Pontæus went his way. The next that appeared were a +company of vintners, who were accused for adulterating and +mingling water with their wines. Their plea was that in +compensation they had furnished the hospitals with communion-wine +that was right, upon free cost; but this excuse signified as +little as that of the <a name="page93"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 93</span>tailors there present, who suggested +that they had clothed so many friars, gratis; and so they were +dispatched away together. After these, followed a number of +bankers, that had turned bankrupt to cozen their creditors; who +finding there several of their old correspondents, that they had +reduced to a morsel of bread, began to treat of composition; but +one of the devils presently cried out, “All the rest have +had enough to do to answer for themselves; but these people are +to reckon for other men’s scores as well as their +own.” And hereupon, they were forthwith sent away to +Pluto with letters of exchange; but, as it happened at that time, +the devil was out of cash.</p> +<p>After this, entered a Spanish cavalier, as upright as Justice +itself. He was a matter of a quarter of an hour in his legs +and reverences to the company. We could see no head he had, +for his prodigious starched ruff that stood staring up like a +turkey-cock’s tail, and covered it. In fine, it was +so fantastic a figure that the porter was gaping at it a good +while, and asked if it were a man, or no? “It is a +man,” quoth the Spaniard, “upon the honour of a +cavalier, and his name is Don Pedro Rhodomontadoso,” +etc. He was so long <a name="page94"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 94</span>a telling his name and titles that +one of the devils burst out a laughing in the middle of his +pedigree, and demanded What he would be at. +“Glory,” quoth he, which they taking in the worse +sense, for pride, sent him away immediately to Lucifer. He +was a little severe upon his guides, for disordering his +mustachios, but they helped him presently to a pair of +beard-irons, and all was well again.</p> +<p>In the next place, came a fellow, weeping and wailing. +“But, my masters,” says he, “my cause is never +the worse for my crying, for if I would stand upon my merits, I +could tell ye that I have kept as good company, and had as much +to do with the saints as another body.” “What +have we here,” cried one, “Diocletian, or +Nero?” For they had enough to do with the saints, +though ’twere but to persecute them. But upon the +upshot, what was this poor creature but a small officer, that +swept the church and dusted the images and pictures. His +charge was for stealing the oil out of the lamps and leaving all +in the dark, pretending that the owls and jackdaws had drunk it +up. He had a trick too of clothing himself out of the +church habits, which he got new-dyed; and of cramming his +porridge with consecrated <a name="page95"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 95</span>bread, that he stole every +Sunday. What he said for himself, I know not; but he had +his mittimus, and took the left-hand way at parting.</p> +<p>With that, a voice was heard, “Make way there, clear the +passage;” and this was for a bevy of handsome, buxom Bona +Roba’s, in their caps and feathers that came dancing, +laughing, and singing of ballads and lampoons, and as merry as +the day was long. But they quickly changed their note, for +so soon as ever they saw the hideous looks of the devils, they +fell into violent fits of the mother; beating their breasts, and +tearing their hair, with all the horror and fury +imaginable. There was an angel offered in their favour that +they had been great frequenters of Our Lady’s chapel. +“Yes, yes,” cried a devil, “less of her chapel, +and more of her virtue, would have done well.” There +was a notable whipster, among the rest, that confessed the devil +had reason. And then her trial came on, for making a cloak +of a sacrament, and only marrying, that she might play the whore +with privilege, and never want a father for her bastards. +It was her fortune alone to be condemned; and going along, +“Well!” she cried; “if I had thought +’twould have come to this, <a name="page96"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 96</span>I should ne’er have troubled +myself with so many masses.”</p> +<p>And now, after long waiting, came Judas and Mahomet upon the +stage, and to them Jack of Leyden. Up comes an officer and +asked which of the three was Judas. “I am he,” +quoth Jack of Leyden. “Nay, but I am Judas,” +cried Mahomet. “They’re a couple of lying +rascals,” says Judas himself, “for I am the man: only +the rogues make use of my name to save their credit. +’Tis true I sold my Master once, and the world has ever +since been the better for’t; but these villains sell Him +and themselves too every hour of the day, and there follows +nothing but misery and confusion.” So they were all +three packed away to their disciples.</p> +<p>The angel that kept the book found that the serjeants and +remembrancers were to come on next; whereupon they were called, +and appeared; but the court was not much troubled with them, for +they confessed guilty at first word, and so were tied up without +any more ado.</p> +<p>The next that appeared was an astrologer, loaden with +almanacks, globes, astrolabes, etc., making proclamation as loud +as he could bawl that there must needs be a gross mistake in the +reckoning, <a name="page97"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +97</span>for Saturn had not finished his course, and the world +could not be yet at an end. One of the devils that saw how +he came provided, and looked upon him as his own already: +“A provident slave,” quoth he, “I warrant him, +to bring his firing along with him. But this I must needs +tell ye,” says he to the mathematician, “’tis a +strange thing, ye should create so many heavens in your life, and +go to the devil for want of one after your death.” +“Nay, for going,” cried the astrologer, “ye +shall excuse me; but if you’ll carry me, well and +good.” And immediately order was given to carry him +away and pay the porter.</p> +<p>Hereupon, methought, the court rose, the throne vanished; the +shadows and darkness withdrew; the air sweetened; the earth was +covered with flowers; the heavens clear: and then I waked, not a +little satisfied to find that after all this, I was still in my +bed, and among the living. The use I made of my dream was +this: I betook myself presently to my prayers, with a firm +resolution of changing my life, and putting my soul into such a +frame of piety and obedience, that I might attend the coming of +the great day with peace and comfort.</p> +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<p style="text-align: center">THE END OF THE THIRD VISION</p> +<h2><a name="page98"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 98</span>THE +FOURTH VISION OF LOVING FOOLS</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">About</span> four o’clock, in a cold +frosty morning, when it was much better being in a warm bed, with +a good bedfellow, than upon a bier in the churchyard; as I lay +advising with my pillow, tumbling and tossing a thousand +love-toys in my head, I passed from one fancy to another, till at +last I fell into a slumber; and there appeared the genius of +disabuse, laying before me all the follies, and vanities of love, +and supporting her opinions with great authorities and +reasons. I was carried then (methought I knew not how) into +a fair meadow: a meadow, pleasant and agreeable infinitely beyond +the very fictions of your half-witted poets, with all their +far-fetched gilding, and enamellings (for a paper of verses is +worth nothing with them, unless they force nature for’t, <a +name="page99"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 99</span>and rifle +both the Indies). This delicious field was watered with two +rivulets, the one bitter, the other sweet; and yet they mingled +their streams with a pretty kind of murmur, equal perhaps to the +best music in the world. The use of these waters was (as I +observed) to temper the darts of love; for while I was upon the +prospect of the place, I saw several of Cupid’s little +officers, and subjects, dipping of arrows there, for their +entertainment and ease. Upon this, I fancied myself in one +of the gardens of Cyprus, and that I saw the very hive, where the +bee lived that stung my young master, and occasioned that +excellent ode which Anacreon has written upon the subject. +The next thing I cast my eye upon was a palace in the midst of +the meadow; a rare piece, as well for the structure as +design. The porches were of the Doric order, excellently +wrought; and the pedestals, bases, columns, cornices, capitals, +architraves, friezes (and in short the whole front of the fabric) +was beautified with imaginary trophies, and triumphs of love, in +half relief, which as they were intermixed with other fantastic +works and conceits, carried the face of several little histories, +and gave a great ornament to the building. Over the <a +name="page100"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 100</span>porch, +there was in golden letters, upon black marble, this +inscription:</p> +<blockquote><p>This is called fools’ paradise,<br /> +From the loving fools that dwell in’t,<br /> +Where the great fools rule the less,<br /> +The rest obey, and all do well in’t.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>The finishing and materials were pleasant to admiration. +The portal spacious, the doors always open, and the house free to +all comers, which were very many; the porter’s place was +supplied by a woman; exquisitely handsome, both for face and +person; tall, delicately shaped, and set off with great +advantages of dress, and jewels. She was made up, in fine, +of charms, and her name (as I understood) was Beauty. She +would let any man in to see the house for a look; and that was +all I paid for my passage. In the first court, I found a +many of both sexes, but so altered in habit and countenance, that +they could scarce know one another. They were sad, pensive; +and their complexions tinted with a yellow paleness (which Ovid +calls Cupid’s livery). There was no talk of being +true to friends; loyal to superiors; and dutiful to parents: but +kindred did the office of procurers; and procurers were called +cousins. Wives <a name="page101"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 101</span>loved their husbands’ she +friends, and husbands did as much for them, in loving their +gallants.</p> +<p>While I was upon the contemplation of these encounters of +affection, there appeared a strange extravagant figure, but in +the likeness of a human creature. It was neither perfectly +man nor perfectly woman, but had indeed a resemblance of +both. This person I perceived was ever busy, up and down, +going and coming; beset all over with eyes and ears, and had one +of the craftiest distrustful looks (methought) that ever I +saw. And withal, (as I observed) no small authority in the +place, which made me inquire after this creature’s name, +and office. “My name,” quoth she, for now it +proved to be a woman, “is Jealousy, and methinks, you and I +should be better acquainted, for how came you here else? +However, for your satisfaction, you are to understand that the +greater part of the distempered people you see here are of my +bringing; and yet I am not their physician, but their tormentor; +and serve only to aggravate and embitter their misfortunes. +If you would know anything further of the house, never ask me, +for ’tis forty to one I shall tell you a lie; I have not +told you half the truth even of myself; <a +name="page102"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 102</span>and to deal +plainly with you, I am made up of inventions, artifice, and +imposture: but the good old man that walks there, is the Major +Domo, and will tell you all, if you will but bear with his slow +way of discourse.”</p> +<p>Thereupon I went to the good man, whom I knew presently to be +Time, and desired him to let me look into the several quarters +and lodgings of the house, for there were some fools of my +acquaintance there I’d fain visit; he told me that he was +at present so busy about making of caudles, cock-broths, and +jellies for his patients, that he could not stir; but yet he +directed me where I might find all those I inquired for, and gave +me the freedom of the house to walk at pleasure.</p> +<p>I passed out of the first court, into the maids’ +quarter, which was the very strongest part of the whole building; +and so’t had need; for divers of the young wenches were so +extravagant and furious, that no other place would have held +them. (The wives and widows were in another room +apart.) Here ye should have one, sobbing and raging with +jealousy of a rival. There another, stark mad for a +husband, and inwardly bleeding because she durst not discover +it. A third was <a name="page103"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 103</span>writing of letters all riddle and +mystery, mending and marring, till at last the paper had more +blots than whole words in it. Some were practising in the +glass the gracious smile, the roll of the eye, the velvet lip, +etc. Others again were in a diet of oatmeal, clay, chalk, +coal, hard wax, and the like. Some were conditioning with +their servants for a ball, or a serenade, that the whole town +might ring of the address. “Yes, yes,” they +cried, “you can go to the park with this lady, and to a +play with that lady, and to Banstead with t’other lady, and +spend whole nights at beste or ombre with my Lady Pen-Tweezel; +but by my troth, I think you are ashamed to be seen in my +company.” Some I saw upon the very point of sealing +and delivering. “I am thine,” cries one, +“and thine alone, or let all the devils in hell, etc. +But be sure you be constant.” “If I be +not,” says he, “let my soul,” etc., and the +silly jade believes him. In one corner ye should have them +praying for husbands, that they might the better love at random; +in another, nothing would please them but to be married +men’s wives, and this disease was looked upon as a little +desperate. Some again stood ready furnished with love +letters <a name="page104"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +104</span>and tickets to be cast out at the window, or thrust +under the door, and these were looked upon not only as fools but +beasts.</p> +<p>I had seen as much already as I desired, for I had learned of +old that he that keeps such company seldom comes off without a +scratched face; but if he misses a mistress, he gets a wife, and +stands condemned to a repentance during life, without redemption, +unless one of the two dies. For women in the case are worse +than pirates; a galley-slave may compound for his freedom, but +there’s no thought of ransom in case of wedlock. I +had a good mind to a little chat with some of them, but (thought +I) they’ll fancy I’m in love with them. And so +I e’en marched off into the married quarter, where there +was such ranting, damning, and tearing, as if hell had been broke +loose. And what was all this? but a number of women that +had been locked up and shackled by their husbands, to keep them +in obedience, and had now broken their prisons, and their chains, +and were grown ten times madder than before. Some I saw +caressing and coaxing their husbands, in the very moment they +designed to betray them. Others were picking their +husbands’ pockets to <a name="page105"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 105</span>pay now and then for a +by-blow. Some again were upon a religious point, and all +upon the humour (forsooth) of pilgrimages and lectures; when +alas! they had no other business with the altars or churches than +a sacrifice to Venus, or a love meeting. Divers there were +that went to the bath; but bathing was the least part of their +errand. Others to confession, that mistook their martyr for +their confessor: some to be revenged of jealous husbands were +resolving to do the thing they feared, and pay them in their own +coin. Others were for making sure aforehand by way of +advance; for that’s the revenge, they say, that’s as +sweet as muscadine and eggs. One was melancholy for a +delay; another for a defeat; a third is preparing to make her +market at a play. There was one among the rest was never +out of her coach; and asking her the reason, she told me, she +loved to be jolted. In this crowd of women, you must know +that there were no wives of ambassadors, soldiers, or merchants +that were abroad upon commission; for such were considered in +effect as single women, and not allowed as members of this +commonwealth.</p> +<p>The next quarter was that of the grave <a +name="page106"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 106</span>and wise, +the right reverend widows, women in appearance of marvellous +severity and reserve, and yet every one of them had her weak +side, and ye might read her folly and distemper through her +disguise. One of them I saw crying with one eye for the +loss of one husband, and laughing with t’other upon him +that was to come next. Another, with the Ephesian matron, +was solacing herself with her gallant before her husband was +thorough cold in the mouth, considering, that he that died half +an hour ago is as dead as William the Conqueror. There were +several others passing to and again, quite out of their mourning, +that looked so demurely (I warrant ye) as if butter would not +have melted in their mouths, and yet apostate widows (as I was +told) and there they were kept as strictly, as if they had been +in the Spanish Inquisition. Some were laying wagers whose +mourning was most <i>à la mode</i>, and best made, or +whose peak or veil became her best, and setting themselves off +with a thousand tricks of ornament and dress. The widows I +observed that were marching off, with the mark out of their +mouths, were hugely concerned to be thought young, and still +talking of masks, balls, fiddles, treats; chanting and <a +name="page107"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 107</span>jigging to +every tune they heard, and all upon the hoity-toity like mad +wenches of fifteen. The younger, on the other side, made +use of their time and took pleasure while ’twas to be +had. There were too of the religious strain; a people much +at their beads, and in private; and these were there in the +quality of love heretics, or platonics, and under the penance of +perpetual abstinence from the flesh they loved best (which is the +most mortifying Lent of all other). Some, that had skill in +perspective, were before the glass with their boxes of patch and +paint about them; shadowing, drawing out, refreshing, and in +short, covering and palliating, all the imperfections of feature +and complexion, every one after her own humour. Now these +women were absolutely insufferable, for they were most of them +old and headstrong, having got the better of their husbands, so +that they would be taking upon them to domineer here, as they had +done at home; and indeed, they found the master of the college +enough to do.</p> +<p>When I had tired myself with this variety of folly and +madness, I went to the devotees, where I found a great many women +and girls that had cloistered up themselves from the conversation +of the <a name="page108"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +108</span>world; and yet were not a jot soberer than their +fellows. These one would have thought might have been +easily cured, but many of them were in for their lives, in +despite of either counsel or physic. The room where they +were was barricaded with strong bars of iron; and yet when the +toy took them, they’d make now and then a sally; for when +the fit was upon them, they’d own no superior but love, +come what would on’t in the event. The greater part +of these good people were writing of tickets and dispatches, +which had still the sign of the cross at the top, and Satan at +the bottom, concluding with this, or some such postscript: I +commend this paper to your discretion. The fools of this +province would be twattling night and day; and if it happened +that any one of them had talked herself a-weary (which was very +rare), she would presently take upon her very gravely to admonish +the rest, and read a lecture of silence to the company. +There were some that for want of better entertainment fell in +love with one another; but these were looked upon as a sort of +fops and ninnies, and therefore the more favourably used; but +they’d have been of another mind, if they had known the +cause of their distemper.</p> +<p><a name="page109"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 109</span>The +root of all these several extravagances was idleness, which +(according to Petrarch’s observation) never fails to make +way for wantonness. There was one among the rest that had +more letters of exchange upon the credit of her insatiable +desires than a whole regiment of bankers. Some of them were +sick of their old visitor, and called for a freshman. +Others, by intervals, I perceived, had their wits about them, and +contented themselves discreetly with the physician of the +house. In short, it e’en pitied my heart to see so +many poor people in so sad a condition and without any hope of +relief, as I gathered from him that had them in care; for they +were still puddering and royling their bodies; and if they got a +little ease for the present, they’d be down again as soon +as they had taken their medicine.</p> +<p>From thence I went to the single women (such as made +profession never to marry) which were the least outrageous and +discomposed of all; for they had a thousand ways to lay the devil +as well as to raise him. Some of them lived like common +highwaymen, by robbing Peter to pay Paul; and stripping honest +men to clothe rascals, which is (under favour) but <a +name="page110"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 110</span>a lewd kind +of charity. Others there were, that were absolutely out of +their seven senses, and as mad as March hares for this wit and +t’other poet, that never failed to pay them again in rhymes +and madrigals, with ruby lips, pearly teeth, so that to read +their verses, a man would swear the whole woman to be directly +petrified.</p> +<blockquote><p>Of sapphire fair, or crystal clear,<br /> +Is the forehead of my dear, etc.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>I saw one in consultation with a cunning man to know her +fortune; another, dealing with a conjurer for a philter, or drink +to make her beloved. A third was daubing and patching up an +old ruined face, to make it fresh and young again; but she might +as well have been washing of a blackamoor to make him +white. In fine, a world there were, that with their +borrowed hair, teeth, eyes, eyebrows, looked like fine folks at a +distance, but would have been left as ridiculous as +Æsop’s crow, if every bird had fetched away his own +feather. ’Deliver me (thought I, smiling and shaking +my head) if this be woman.</p> +<p>And so I stepped into the men’s quarter, which was but +next door, and only a thick <a name="page111"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 111</span>wall between. Their great +misery was that they were deaf to good advice, obstinately hating +and despising both physic and physician; for if they would have +either quitted or changed, they might have been cured. But +they chose rather to die, and though they saw their error, would +not mend it. Which minded me of the old rhyme:</p> +<blockquote><p>Where love’s in the case,<br /> +The doctor’s an ass.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>These fools-male were all in the same chamber; and one might +perfectly read their humour and distemper in their looks and +gestures. Oh! how many a gay lad did I see there in his +point band and embroidered vest that had not a whole shirt to his +back! How many huffs and highboys that had nothing else in +their mouths but the lives and fortunes they’d spend in +their sweet ladies’ service! that would yet have run five +miles on your errand, to have been treated but at a threepenny +ordinary? How many a poor devil that wanted bread, and was +yet troubled with the rebellion of the flesh! Some there +were that spent much time in setting their perukes, ordering the +mustache, and <a name="page112"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +112</span>dressing up the very face of Lucifer himself for a +beauty: the woman’s privilege, and in truth an +encroachment, to their prejudice. There were others that +made it their glory to pass for Hectors, sons of Priam, brothers +of the blade; and talked of nothing but attacks, combats, +reverses, stramazons, stoccados; not considering that a naked +weapon is present death to a timorous woman. Some were +taking the round of their ladies’ lodgings, at midnight, +and went to bed again as wise as they rose. Others fell in +love by contagion and merely conversing with the infected. +Some again went post from church to chapel, every holy day, to +hunt for a mistress; and so turned a day of rest into a day of +labour. Ye might see others skipping continually from house +to house, like the knight upon a chess-board, without ever +catching the (queen or) dame. Some, like crafty beggars, +made their case worse than ’twas: and others, though +’twere ne’er so bad, durst not so much as open their +mouths. Really it grieved me for the poor mutes, and I +wished with all my heart their mistresses had been witches, that +they might have known their meaning by their mumping; but they +were lost to all counsel, so that there was no advising <a +name="page113"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 113</span>them. +There was another sort of elevated, and conceited lovers; and +these forsooth were not to be satisfied without the seven liberal +sciences, and the four cardinal virtues, in the shape of a woman; +and their case was desperate. The next I observed were a +generation of modest fools, that passed under the notion of +people diffident of themselves. They were generally men of +good understanding, but for the most part younger brothers, of +low fortunes, and such as for want of wherewithal to go to the +price of higher amours, were fain to take up with ordinary stuff, +that brought them nothing in the end, but beggary and +repentance. The husbands, I perceived, were horribly +furious, although in manacles and shackles. Some of them +left their own wives, and fell upon their +neighbours’. Others, to keep the good women in awe +and obedience, would be taking upon them, and playing the +tyrants, but upon the upshot they found their mistake, and that +though they came on as fierce as lions, they went off as tame as +muttons. Some were making friendships with their +wives’ she-cousins, and agreeing upon a cross-gossiping +whoever should have the first child.</p> +<p>The widowers, that had bit of the bridle, <a +name="page114"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 114</span>passed from +place to place, where they stayed more or less, according to +their entertainment, and so were in effect, as good as married; +for as long, or as little a while as themselves pleased. +These lived single, and spent their time in visiting, first one +friend, then another. Here they fell in love; there they +kindled a jealousy, which they contracted themselves in one +place, and cured it in another. But the miracle was, that +they all knew, and confessed themselves a company of mad fools, +and yet continued so. Those that had skill in music, and +could either sing or fiddle, made use of their gifts, to put the +silly wenches that were but half moped before, directly out of +their wits. They that were poetical were perpetually +hammering upon the subjects of cruelty and disappointment. +One tells his good fortune to another, that requites him with the +story of his bad. They that had set their hearts upon girls +were beating the streets all day, to find what avenues to a +lady’s lodgings at night. Some were tampering and +caressing the chamber-maid, as the ready way to the +mistress. Others chose rather to put it to the push, and +attempt the lady herself. Some were examining their pockets +and taking a view of their furniture, which <a +name="page115"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 115</span>consisted +much in love-letters, delicately sealed up with perfumed wax, +upon raw silk; and a thousand pretty devices within; all wrapt up +in riddle, and cipher. Abundance of hair bracelets, +lockets, pomanders, knots of riband, and the like. There +were others, that were called the husband’s friends, who +were ready upon all occasions to do this, and to do that kindness +for the husband. Their purse, credit, coach and horses, +were all at his service; and in the meantime, who but they to +gallant the wife? To the park, the gardens, a treat, or a +comedy, where forty to one, by the greatest good luck in the +world, they stumble upon an aunt, an old housekeeper of the +family, or some such reverend goer-between that’s a +well-willer to the mathematics; she takes the hint, performs the +good office, and the work is done.</p> +<p>Now there were two sorts of fools for the widows: the one was +beloved, and the other not. The latter were content to be a +kind of voluntary slaves, for the compassing their ends; but the +other were the happier, for they were ever at perfect liberty to +do their pleasure, unless some friend or child of the house +perchance came in, in the mischievous nick, and <a +name="page116"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 116</span>then in +case of a little colour more than ordinary, or a tumbled +handkercher: ’twas but changing the scene, and struggling +for a paper of verses, or some such business to keep all in +countenance. Some made their assaults both with love and +money, and they seldom failed, for they came doubly armed; and +your Spanish pistols are a sort of battery hardly to be +resisted.</p> +<p>I came now to reflect upon what I had seen, and as I was +walking (in that meditation) toward another lodging, I found +myself (ere I was aware) in the first court again; where I +entered, and in it I observed new wonders: I saw that the number +of the mad fools increased every moment; although time (I +perceived) did all that was possible to recover them. There +was Jealousy tormenting even those that were most confident of +the faith of what they loved. There was Memory rubbing of +old sores. There was Understanding, locked up in a dark +cellar; and Reason with both her eyes out. I made a little +pause, the better to observe these varieties and disguises. +And when I had looked myself a-weary, I turned about and spied a +door; but so narrow that it was hardly passable; and yet strait +as it was, divers there were that ingratitude and infidelity <a +name="page117"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 117</span>had set at +liberty, and made a shift to get through. Upon which +opportunity of returning, I made what haste I could to be one of +the first at the door, and in that instant, my man drew the +curtain of my bed, and told me the morning was far spent. +Whereupon I waked, and recollecting myself, found all was but a +dream. The very fancy however of having spent so much time +in the company of fools and madmen, gave me some disorder, but +with this comfort, that both sleeping and waking, I had +experimented passionate love to be nothing else than a mere +frenzy and folly.</p> +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<p style="text-align: center">THE END OF THE FOURTH VISION</p> +<h2><a name="page118"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 118</span>THE +FIFTH VISION OF THE WORLD</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> is utterly impossible for +anything in this world to fix our appetites and desires; but they +are still flitting, and restless like pilgrims; delighted and +nourished with variety: which shows how much we are mistaken in +the value and quality of the things we covet. And hence it +is, that what we pursue with the greatest delight and passion +imaginable, yields us nothing but satiety and repentance in the +possession; yet such is the power of these appetites of ours that +when they call and command, we follow and obey; though we find in +the end that what we took for a beauty, upon the chase proves but +a carcass in the quarry; and we are sick on’t as soon as we +have it. Now the world, that knows our palate and +inclination, never fails to feed the humour, and to flatter and +entertain us with all sorts of <a name="page119"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 119</span>change and novelty, as the most +certain method of gaining upon our affections.</p> +<p>One would have thought that these considerations might have +put sober thoughts and resolutions in my head, but it was my fate +to be taken off, in the very middle of my morality and +speculations, and carried away from myself by vanity and weakness +into the wide world, where I was for a certain time, not much +unsatisfied with my condition. As I passed from one place +to another, several that saw me (I perceived) did but make sport +with me: for the further I went, the more I was at a loss in that +labyrinth of delusions. One while I was in with the +sword-men and bravoes; up to the ears in challenges, and +quarrels; and never without an arm in a scarf, or a broken +head. Another fit; I was never well, but at the Fleece +Tavern, or Bear at bridge-foot, stuffing my guts with food and +tipple, till the hoops were ready to burst. Beside twenty +other entertainments that I found, every jot as extravagant as +these, which to my great trouble and admiration left me not so +much as one moment of repose.</p> +<p>As I was in one of my unquiet and pensive moods, somebody +called after me, and plucked me by the cloak, which <a +name="page120"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 120</span>proved to +be a person of a venerable age; his clothes miserably poor and +tattered; and his face, just as if he had been trampled upon in +the streets, which did not yet hinder but that he had still the +air and appearance of one that deserved much honour and +respect. “Good father,” said I to him, +“why should you envy me my enjoyments? Pray’e +let me alone, and do not trouble yourself with me or my +doings. You’re past the pleasure of life yourself, +and can’t endure to see other people merry, that have the +world before them. Consider of it; you are now upon the +point of leaving the world, and I am but newly come into’t, +but ’tis the trick of all old men to be carping at the +actions of their juniors.” “Son,” said +the old man, smiling, “I shall neither hinder nor envy thy +delights, but in pure pity I would fain reclaim thee. Dost +thou know the price of a day an hour or a minute? Didst +ever examine the value of time? If thou hadst, thou wouldst +employ it better; and not cast away so many blessed opportunities +upon trifles; and so easily, and insensibly, part with so +inestimable a treasure. What’s become of thy past +hours? have they made thee a promise to come back again at a +call, <a name="page121"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +121</span>when thou hast need of them? Or, canst thou show +me which way they went? No, no; they are gone without +recovery; and in their flight, methinks, Time seems to turn his +head, and laugh over his shoulder in derision of those that made +no better use of him, when they had him. Dost thou not know +that all the minutes of our life are but as so many links of a +chain that has death at the end on’t? and every moment +brings thee nearer thy expected end, which perchance, while the +word is speaking, may be at thy very door; and doubtless at thy +rate of living, it will be upon thee before thou art aware. +How stupid is he that dies while he lives, for fear of +dying! How wicked is he that lives, as if he should never +die; and only fears death when he comes to feel it! which is too +late for comfort, either to body or soul: and he is certainly +none of the wisest that spends all his days in lewdness and +debauchery, without considering that of his whole life any minute +might have been his last.”</p> +<p>“My good father,” said I, “I am beholding to +you for your excellent discourses, for they have delivered me out +of the power of a thousand frivolous and vain affections, that +had taken possession of me. But who <a +name="page122"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 122</span>are you, I +pray’ee? And what is your business here?” +“My poverty and these rags,” quoth he, “are +enough to tell ye that I am an honest man, a friend to truth, and +one that will not be mealy-mouthed, when he may speak it to +purpose. Some call me the plain-dealer; others, the +undeceiver-general. You see me all in tatters, wounds, +scars, bruises. And what is all this but the requital the +world gives me for my good counsel and kind visits? And yet +after all this endeavour to get shut of me they call themselves +my friends, though they curse me to the pit of hell, as soon as +ever I come near them; and had rather be hanged than spend one +quarter of an hour in my company. If thou hast a mind to +see the world I talk of, come along with me, and I’ll carry +thee into a place where thou shalt have a full prospect of it, +and without any inconvenience see all that’s in’t, or +in the people that dwell in’t, and look it through and +through.” “What’s the name of this +place?” quoth I. “It is called,” said he, +“the Hypocrites’ Walk; and it crosses the world from +one Pole to th’ other. It is large, and populous; for +I believe there’s not any man alive but has either a house +or a chamber in’t. <a name="page123"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 123</span>Some live in’t for altogether; +others take it only in passage: for there are hypocrites of +several sorts; but all mortals have, more or less, a tang of the +leaven. That fellow there in the corner came but +t’other day from the plow tail, and would now fain be a +gentleman. But had not he better pay his debts, and walk +alone, than break his promises to keep a lackey? +There’s another rascal that would fain be a lord, and would +venture a voyage to Venice for the title, but that he’s +better at building castles in the air than upon the water. +In the meantime he puts on a nobleman’s face and garb; he +swears and drinks like a lord, and keeps his hounds and whores, +which ’tis feared in the end will devour their +master. Mark now that piece of gravity and form; he walks, +ye see, as if he moved by clock-work; his words are few and low; +he makes all his answers by a shrug or a nod. This is the +hypocrite of a Minister of State, who with all his counterfeit of +wisdom is one of the veriest noddies in nature.</p> +<p>“Face about now, and mind those decrepit sots there that +can scarce lift a leg over a threshold, and yet they must be +dyeing their hair, colouring their beards, and playing the young +fools again, with a <a name="page124"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 124</span>thousand hobby-horse tricks and +antique dresses. On the other side, ye have a company of +silly boys taking upon them to govern the world, under a visor of +wisdom and experience.” “What lord is +that,” said I, “in the rich clothes there, and the +fine laces?” “That lord,” quoth he, +“is a tailor, in his holiday clothes; and if he were now +upon his shop-board, his own scissors and needles would hardly +know him: and you must understand that hypocrisy is so epidemical +a disease that it has laid hold of the trades themselves as well +as the masters. The cobbler must be saluted Mr. +Translator. The groom names himself gentleman of the horse; +the fellow that carries guts to the bears, writes, one of His +Majesty’s officers. The hangman calls himself a +minister of justice. The mountebank, an able man. A +common whore passes for a courtesan. The bawd acts the +Puritan. Gaming ordinaries are called academies; and +bawdy-houses, places of entertainment. The page styles +himself the child of honour; and the foot-boy calls himself my +lady’s page. And every pick-thank names himself a +courtier. The cuckold-maker passes for a fine gentleman; +and the cuckold himself, for the best-natured husband in the +world: and a very <a name="page125"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +125</span>ass commences master-doctor. Hocus-pocus tricks +are called sleight-of-hand; lust, friendship; usury, thrift; +cheating is but gallantry; lying wears the name of invention; +malice goes for quickness of apprehension; cowardice, meekness of +nature; and rashness carries the countenance of valour. In +fine, this is all but hypocrisy, and knavery in a disguise, for +nothing is called by the right name. Now there are beside +these, certain general appellations taken up, which by long usage +are almost grown into prescription. Every little whore +takes upon her to be a great lady; every gown-man, to be a +councillor; every huff to be a <i>soldat</i>; every gay thing to +be a cavalier; every parish-clerk to be a doctor; and every +writing-clerk in the office must be called Mr. Secretary.</p> +<p>“So that the whole world, take it where you will, is but +a mere juggle; and you will find that wrath, gluttony, pride, +avarice, luxury, murder, and a thousand other heinous sins, have +all of them hypocrisy for their source, and thither they’ll +return again.” “It would be well,” said +I, “if you could prove what you say; but I can hardly see +how so great a diversity of waters should proceed from one and +the same fountain.” “I do <a +name="page126"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 126</span>not +wonder,” quoth he, “at your distrust, for you are +mistaken in very good company; to fancy a contrariety in many +things, which are, in effect, so much alike. It is agreed +upon, both by philosophers and divines, that all sins are evil; +and you must allow, that the will embraces or pursues no evil but +under the resemblance of good; nor does the sin lie in the +representation, or knowledge of what is evil, but in the consent +to it. Which consent itself is sinful, although without any +subsequent act: it’s true, the execution serves afterward +for an aggravation, and ought to be considered under many +differences and distinctions. But in fine, evident it is +that the will entertains no ill, but under the shape of some +good. What do ye think now of the hypocrite that cuts your +throat in his arms, and murders you, under pretence of +kindness? ‘What is the hope of an hypocrite?’ +says Job. He neither has nor can have any: for he is wicked +as he is an hypocrite; and even his best actions are worth +nothing, because they are not what they seem to be. So that +of all sinners he has the most to answer for. Other +offenders sin only against God. But the hypocrite sins with +Him, as well as against Him, making <a name="page127"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 127</span>use of His holy Name as a cloak and +countenance for his wickedness. For which reason, our +blessed Saviour, after many affirmative precepts delivered to His +disciples for their instruction, gave only this negative: +‘Be not sad as the hypocrites,’ which lays them open +in few words; and He might as well have said ‘Be not +hypocrites, and ye shall not be wicked.’”</p> +<p>We were now come to the place the old man told me of, where I +found all according to my expectation, and took the higher +ground, that I might have the better prospect of what +passed. The first remarkable thing I saw was a long funeral +train of kindred and guests, following the corpse of a deceased +lady, in company with the disconsolate widower, who marched with +his chin upon his breast, a sad and a heavy pace, muffled up in a +mourning hood, enough to have stifled him, with at least ten +yards of cloth upon his body, and no less in his train. +“Alack, alack!” cried I, “that ever I should +live to see so dismal a spectacle! Oh blessed woman! +How did this husband love thee in thy lifetime, that follows thee +with this infinite faith and affection, even to thy grave! +And happy the husband, doubtless, in a wife that deserved this +kindness! and <a name="page128"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +128</span>in so many tender friends and relations, to take part +with him in his sorrows. My good father, let me entreat you +to observe this doleful encounter.” With that +(shaking his head and smiling) “My son,” quoth he, +“thou shalt by and by perceive that all is nothing in the +world but vanity, imposture, and constraint; and I will shew thee +the difference between things themselves, and their +appearances. To see this abundance of torches, with the +magnificence of the ceremony and attendance, one would think +there should be some mighty matter in the business; but let me +assure thee that all this pudder comes to no more than much ado +about nothing. The woman was nothing (effectually) even +while she lived: the body now in the coffin is somewhat a less +nothing: and the funeral honours, which are now paid her come to +just nothing too. But the dead it seems must have their +vanities, and their holidays as well as the living. Alas! +what’s a carcass but the most odious sort of +putrefaction? A corrupted earth, fit neither for fruit nor +tillage. And then for the sad looks of the mourners: they +are only troubled at the invitation; and would not care a pin, if +the inviter and body too were both at the devil. And that +you <a name="page129"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +129</span>might see by their behaviour, and discourses; for when +they should have been praying for the dead, they were prating of +her pedigree, and her last will and testament. +‘I’m not so near akin,’ says one, ‘but I +might have been spared; and I had twenty other things to +do.’ Another should have met company at a tavern; a +third, at a play. A fourth mutters that he is not placed +according to his quality. Another cries out, ‘A pox +o’ your meetings where there is nothing stirring but +worms’ meat.’ Let me tell ye further, that the +widower himself is not grieved as you imagine for the dead wife; +but for the damned expense in blacks, and scutcheons, tapers, and +mourners; and that she was not fairly laid to rest, without all +this ado: for he persuades himself, that she might have found the +way to her grave without a candle. And since she was to +die, ’tis his opinion, that she should have made quicker +work on’t: for a good wife is (like a good Christian) to +put her conscience in order betimes, and get her gone; without +lingering in the hands of doctors, ’pothecaries, and +surgeons, to murder her husband too. Or (to save charges) +she might have had the discretion to have died of the plague, +which would have staved off company. <a +name="page130"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 130</span>This is the +second wife he has already turned over, and (to give the man his +due) he has had the wit to secure himself of a third, while this +lay on her deathbed. So that his case is no more than +chopping of a cold wife for a warm one, and he’ll recover +this affliction, I warrant ye.”</p> +<p>The good man, methought, spoke wonders; and being thoroughly +convinced of the danger of trusting to appearances, I took up a +resolution, never to conclude upon anything, though never so +plausible, without due examination and inquiry. With that, +the funeral vanished, leaving us behind; and for a farewell, this +sentence: “I am gone before, you are to follow; and in the +meantime, to accompany others to their graves, as you have done +me; and as I, when time was, have attended many others, with as +little care and devotion as yourselves.”</p> +<p>We were taken off from this meditation by a noise we heard in +a house behind us, where we had no sooner set foot over the +threshold, but we were entertained with a concert of six voices, +that were set and tuned to the sighs and groans of a woman newly +become a widow. The passion was acted to the life; but the +dead little the <a name="page131"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +131</span>better for’t. They would be ever and anon +clapping and wringing of their hands; groaning and sighing, as if +their hearts would break. The hangings, pictures, and +furniture were all taken down and removed; the rooms hung with +black, and in one of them lay the poor disconsolate upon a couch +with her condoling friends about her. It was as dark as +pitch, and so much the better, for the parts they had to play; +for there was no discovering of the horrid faces and strains they +made, to fetch up their artificial tears and lamentations. +“Madam,” says one, “tears are but thrown away; +and really the grief to see your ladyship in this condition has +made me as lost a woman to all thought of comfort as +yourself.” “I beseech you, madam, cheer +up,” cries another, with almost as many sighs as words, +“your husband’s e’en happy that he is out of +this miserable world. He was a good man, and now he finds +the sweet on’t.” “Patience, patience, +dear madam,” cries a third, “’tis the will of +Heaven, and there’s no contending.” “Dost +talk of patience,” says she, “and no +contending? Wretched creature that I am! to outlive that +dear man! Oh that dear husband of mine! Oh that I <a +name="page132"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 132</span>should ever +live to see this day!” And then she fell to +blubbering, sobbing, and raving a thousand times worse than +before. “Alas, alas, who will trouble himself with a +poor widow! I have never a friend left to look after me; +what shall become of me!”</p> +<p>At this pause came in the chorus with their nose-instruments; +and there was such blowing, snobbing, snivelling, and throwing +snot about, that there was no enduring the house. And all +this, you must know, served them to a double purpose; that is to +say, for physic and for complement: for it passed for the +condoling office, and purged their heads of ill humours all under +one. I could not choose but compassionate the poor widow, a +creature forsaken of all the world; and I told my guide as much; +and that a charity (as I thought) would be well bestowed upon +her. The Holy Writ calls them mutes, according to the +import of the Hebrew: in regard that they have nobody to speak +for them. And if at any time they take heart to speak for +themselves, they had e’en as good hold their tongues, for +nobody minds them. Is there anything more frequently given +in charge throughout the whole Bible, than to protect <a +name="page133"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 133</span>the +fatherless, and defend the cause of the widow? as the highest and +most necessary point of Christian charity: in regard that they +have neither power, nor right to defend themselves. Does +not Job in the depth of his misery and disgraces make choice to +clear himself toward the widow, upon his expostulations with the +Almighty? [If I have caused the eyes of the widow to fail] +(or consumed the eyes of the widow; after the Hebrew) so that it +seems to me, beside the general duty of charity, we are also +bound by the laws of honour and generosity to assist them: for +the poor souls are fain to plead with their eyes, and beg with +their eyes, for want of either hands or tongues to help +themselves. “Indeed you must pardon me my good +father,” said I, “if I cannot hold any longer from +bearing a part in this mournful concert, upon this sad +occasion.” “And is this,” quoth the old +man, “the fruit of your boasted divinity? to sink into +weakness and tears, when you have the greatest need of your +resolution and prudence. Have but a little patience, and +I’ll unfold you this mystery; though (let me tell ye) +’tis one of the hardest things in nature, to make any man +as wise as he should be, that conceits himself <a +name="page134"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 134</span>wise enough +already. If this accident of the widow had not happened, we +had had none of the fine things that have been started +upon’t: for ’tis occasion that awakens both our +virtue and philosophy; and ’tis not enough to know the mine +where the treasure lies, unless a man has the skill of drawing it +out, and making the best of what he has in his possession. +What are you the better for all the advantages of wit and +learning, without the faculty of reducing what you know into apt +and proper applications?</p> +<p>“Observe me now, and I will show you that this widow +that looks as if she had nothing in her mouth but the service for +the dead, and only hallelujahs in her soul, that this mortified +piece of formality has green thoughts under her black veil, and +brisk imaginations about her, in despite of her calamity and +misfortune. The chamber you see is dark; and their faces +are muffled up in their funeral dresses. And what of all +this? when the whole course of their mourning is but a thorough +cheat. Their weeping signifies nothing more, than crying, +at so much an hour; for their tears are hackneyed out, and when +they have wept out their stage, they take up, and are +quiet. If you <a name="page135"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 135</span>would relieve them, leave them to +themselves; and as soon as your back is turned, you shall have +them singing and dancing, and as merry as Greeks: for take away +the spectators, their hypocrisy is at an end, and the play is +done; and now the confidents’ game begins. +‘Come, come, madam, ’faith we must be merry’ +cries one, ‘we are to live by the living, and not by the +dead. For a bonny young widow as you are, to lie whimpering +away your opportunities and lose so many brave matches! +There’s, you know who, I dare swear, has a month’s +mind to you; by my troth I would you were in bed together, and +I’d be hanged, if you did not find one warm bedfellow worth +twenty cold ones.’ ‘Really, madam,’ cries +a second, ‘she gives you good counsel; and if I were in +your place, I’d follow it, and make use of my time. +’Tis but one lost, and ten found. Pray’e tell +me, madam, if I may be so bold; what’s your opinion of that +cavalier that was here yesterday? Certainly he has a great +deal of wit; and methinks he’s a very handsome proper +gentleman. Well! if that man has not a strange passion for +you, I’ll never believe my eyes again for his sake; and, in +good faith, if all parties were agreed, I would <a +name="page136"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 136</span>you were +e’en well in his arms the night before to-morrow. +Were it not a burning shame to let such a beauty lie +fallow?’ This sets the widow a-pinking, and simpering +like a furmety-kettle; at length she makes up the pretty little +mouth, and says, ‘’Tis somewhat of the soonest to +talk of those affairs; but let it be as Heaven pleases. +However, madam, I am much beholden to you for your friendly +advice.’ You have here the very bottom of her sorrow: +she has taken a second husband into her heart before her first +was in his grave. I should have told you that your right +widow eats and drinks more the first day of her widowhood than in +any other of her whole life: for there appears not a visitant, +but presently out comes the groaning cake, a cold baked meat, or +some restorative morsel or other, to comfort the afflicted; and +the cordial bottle must not be forgotten neither, for +sorrow’s dry. So to’t they fall, and at every +bit or gulp, the lady relict fetches ye up a heavy sigh, pretends +to chew false, and makes protestation that for her part she can +taste nothing; she has quite lost her digestion; and has such an +oppression in her stomach that she dares not eat any more, for +fear of over-charging nature. ‘And in truth,’ +<a name="page137"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 137</span>says +she, ‘how can it be otherwise; since (unhappy creature that +I am!) he is gone that gave the relish to all my enjoyments; but +there is no recalling him from the grave, and so, no remedy but +patience.’ By this time, you see,” quoth the +old man, “whether your exclamations were reasonable, or +no.”</p> +<p>The words were hardly out of his mouth, when hearing an uproar +among the rabble in the street, we looked out to see what was the +matter. And there we saw a catchpole, without either hat or +band, out of breath, and his face all bloody, crying out, +“Help, help, in the king’s name! stop thief, stop +thief!” and all the while, running as hard as he could +drive, after a thief that made away from him, as if the devil had +been at his breech. After him, came an attorney, all dirty, +a world of papers in his hand, an inkhorn at his girdle, and a +crowd of nasty people about him; and down he sat himself just +before us, to write somewhat upon his knee. Bless me +(thought I) how a cause prospers in the hand of one of these +fellows, for he had filled his paper in a trice. +“These catchpoles,” said I, “had need to be +well paid, for the hazards they run to secure us in our lives and +fortunes; and indeed they <a name="page138"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 138</span>deserve it. Look how the poor +wretch is torn, bruised, and battered, and all this for the good +and benefit of the public.”</p> +<p>“Soft and fair,” quoth the old man; “I think +thou wouldst never leave talking, if I did not stop thy mouth +sometime. You must know, that he that made the escape and +the catchpole are a couple of ancient friends and +pot-companions. Now the catchpole quarrels the thief for +not giving him a snip in the last booty; and the thief, after a +great struggle, and a good lusty rubber at cuffs, has made a +shift to save himself. You’ll say the rogue had need +of good heels, to outrun this gallows-beagle; for there’s +hardly any beast will outstrip a bailiff that runs upon the view +of a quarry. So that there’s not the least thought of +a public good in the catchpole’s action; but merely a +prosecution of his own profit, and a spite to see himself +choused. Now if the catchpole, I confess, without any +private interest had made this attempt upon the thief, (being his +friend) to bring him to justice, it had been well; and yet, take +this along with you: it is as natural to let slip a serjeant at a +pickpocket as a greyhound at a hare. The whip, the pillory, +the axe, and the halter make up the best part of the +catchpole’s <a name="page139"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +139</span>revenue. These people are of all sorts the most +odious to the world; and if men in revenge would resolve to be +virtuous, though but for a year or two, they might starve them +all. It is in fine an unlucky employment, and catchpoles as +well as the devils themselves have the wages of +tormentors.”</p> +<p>“I hope,” said I to my guide, “that the +attorneys shall have your good word too.” “Yes, +yes, ye need not doubt it,” said the old man, “for +your attorney and your catchpole always hunt in couples. +The attorney draws the information, and has all his forms ready, +so that ’tis no more then but to fill up the blanks, and +away to the jail with the delinquent; if there be anything to be +gotten ’tis not a halfpenny matter, whether the party be +guilty or innocent: give but an attorney pen, ink, and paper, and +let him alone for witnesses. In case of an examination, he +has the grace not to insist too much upon plain and naked truth; +but to set down only what makes for his purpose, and then when +they come to signing, to read over in the deponent’s sense +(for his memory is good) what he has written in his own; and by +this means, the cause goes on as he pleases. To prevent +this villainy, it <a name="page140"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +140</span>were well, if the examiners were as well sworn to write +the truth as the witnesses are to speak it. And yet there +are some honest men of all sorts but among the attorneys; the +very calling does by the honest catchpoles, marshal’s men, +and their fellows, as the sea by the dead: it may entertain them +for a while, but in a very short space it spews them up +again.”</p> +<p>The good man would have proceeded, if he had not been taken +off by the rattling of a gilt coach, wherein was a courtier that +was blown up as big as pride and vanity could make him. He +sat stiff and upright, as if he had swallowed a stake; and made +it his glory to show himself in that posture: it would have hurt +his eyes, to have exchanged a glance with anything that was +vulgar, and therefore he was very sparing of his looks. He +had a deep laced ruff on, that was right Spanish, which he wore +erect, and stiff starched, that a man would have thought he had +carried his head in a paper-lanthorn. He was a great +studier of set faces, and much affected with looking politic and +big. But, for his arms and body, he had utterly lost or +forgotten the use of them: for he could neither bow nor move his +hat to any man that saluted him; no, nor so much as turn <a +name="page141"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 141</span>from one +side to the other; but sat as if he had been boxed up, like a +Bartlemew-baby. After this magnificent statue, followed a +swarm of gaudy butterfly-lackeys: and his lordship’s +company in the coach was a buffoon and a parasite. +“Oh blessed prince!” said I, “to live at this +rate of ease and splendour, and to have the world at will! +What a glorious train is that! Beyond all doubt, there +never was a great fortune better bestowed.” With +that, the old man took me up, and told me that the judgment I had +made upon this occasion, from one end to the other, was all +dotage and mistake; save only, when I said he had the world at +will: “and in that,” says he, “you have reason; +for what is the world but labour, vanity, and folly; which is +likewise the composition and entertainment of this cavalier.</p> +<p>“As for the train that follows him let it be examined, +and my life for yours, you shall find more creditors in’t, +than servants: there are bankers, jewellers, scriveners, brokers, +mercers, drapers, tailors, vintners; and these are properly the +stays and supporters of this animated machine. The money, +meat, drink, robes, liveries, wages, all comes out of their +pockets; they have this honour for their security; <a +name="page142"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 142</span>and must +content themselves with promises, and fair words for full +satisfaction, unless they had rather have a footman with a cudgel +for their pay-master. And after all, if this gallant were +taken to shrift, or that a man could enter into the secrets of +his conscience, I dare undertake, it would appear that he that +digs in a mine for his bread lives ten thousand times more at +ease than the other, with beating of his brains night and day for +new shifts, tricks and projects to keep himself above water.</p> +<p>“Observe his companions now, his fool and his +flatterer. They are too hard for him, ye see; and eat, +drink, and make merry at his expense. What greater misery +or shame in the world, than for a man to make a friendship with +such rascals, and to spend his time and estate in so brutal, and +insipid a society! It costs him more (beside his credit) to +maintain that couple of coxcombs than would have bought him the +conversation of a brace of grave and learned philosophers. +But will ye now see the bottom of this scandalous and +dishonourable kindness? ‘My lord,’ says the +buffoon, ‘you were most infallibly wrapt in your +mother’s smock; for let me be — if ye have not set +all the ladies about the court agog.’ ‘The <a +name="page143"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 143</span>very truth +is,’ cries the parasite, ‘all the rest of the +nobility look like corn-cutters to you; and indeed, wherever you +come, you have still the eyes of the whole company upon +you.’ ‘Go to, go to, gentlemen,’ says my +lord, ‘you must not flatter your friends. This is +more your courtesy than my desert; and I have an obligation to +you for your kindness.’ After this manner these asses +knab and curry one another, and play the fools by +turns.”</p> +<p>The old man had his words yet between his teeth, when there +passed just by us a lady of pleasure, of so excellent a shape and +garb, that it was impossible to see her without a passion for +her, and no less impossible to look upon anything else, so long +as she was to be seen. They that had seen her once were to +see her no more, for she turned her face still to +new-comers. Her motion was graceful and free. One +while she’d stare ye full in the eyes, under colour of +opening her hood, to set it in better order. By and by +she’d steal a look at ye with one eye, and a side face, +from the corner of her visor, like a witch that’s afraid to +be known when she comes from a caterwaul. And then out +comes the delicate hand, and discovers the more delicious neck, +and breasts, to adjust the handkercher <a +name="page144"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 144</span>or the +scarf, or to remove some other grievance that made her ladyship +uneasy. Her hair was most artificially disposed into +careless rings; and the best red and white in nature was in her +cheeks, if that of her lips and teeth did not exceed it. In +a word, all she looked upon was her own; and this was the vision +for my money, from all the rest. As she was marching off, I +could not choose but take up a resolution to follow her. +But my old man laid a block in the way, and stopped me at the +very starting; which was an affront to a man that was both in +love and in haste, that might very well stir his choler. +“My officious friend,” said I, “he that does +not love a woman sucked a sow. And questionless, he must be +either blind or barbarous that’s proof against the charms +of so divine a beauty. Nor would any but a sot let slip the +blessed opportunity of so fair an encounter. A handsome +woman? why, what was she made for, but to be loved? And he +that has her, has all that’s lovely or desirable in +nature. For my own part, I would renounce the world for the +fellow of her, and never desire anything either beyond her, or +beside her. What lightning does she carry in her +eyes! What charms, and <a name="page145"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 145</span>chains in her looks, and motions, +for the very souls of her beholders! Was ever anything so +clear as her forehead? or so black as her eyebrows? One +would swear that her complexion had taken a tincture of vermilion +and milk: and that nature had brought her into the world with +pearl and rubies in her mouth. To speak all in little, +she’s the masterpiece of the creation, worthy of infinite +praise, and equal to our largest desires and +imaginations.”</p> +<p>Here the old man cut me short, and bade me make an end of my +discourse, “for thou art,” said he, “a man of +much wonder, and small experience, and delivered over to the +spirit of folly and blindness. Thou hast thy eyes in thy +head, and yet not brain enough to know either why they were given +thee, or how to use them. Understand then that the office +of the eye is to see, but ’tis the privilege of the soul to +distinguish and choose, whereas you either do the contrary, or +else nothing, which is worse. He that trusts his eyes, +exposes his mind to a thousand torments and confusions: he shall +take clouds for mountains, straight for crooked, one colour for +another, by reason of an undue distance, or an indisposed +medium. We are not able sometimes to say which way <a +name="page146"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 146</span>a river +runs, till we throw in a twig or straw to find out the +current. And what will you say now, if this prodigious +beauty, your new mistress, prove as gross a cheat and imposture +as any of the rest? She went to bed last night as ugly as a +witch; and yet this morning she comes forth in your opinion as +glorious as an angel. The truth of it is, she hires all by +the day; and if you did but see this puppet taken to pieces, you +would find her little else but paint and plaister. To begin +her anatomy at the head. You must know that the hair she +wears is borrowed of a tire-woman, for her own was blown off by +an unlucky wind from the coast of Naples. Or if she has any +left, she keeps it private, as a memorial of her antiquity. +She is beholden to the pencil for her eyebrows and +complexion. And upon the whole matter, she is but an old +picture refreshed. But the wonder is, to see a picture, +with life and motion; unless perchance she has got the +necromancer’s receipt that made himself young again in his +glass bottle. For all that you see of her that’s +good, comes from distilled waters, essences, powders, and the +like; and to see the washing of her face would fright the +devil. She abounds in pomanders, sweet waters, <a +name="page147"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 147</span>Spanish +pockets, perfumed drawers; and all little enough to qualify the +poisonous whiffs she sends from her toes and arm-pits, which +would otherwise out-stink ten thousand pole-cats. She +cannot choose but kiss well, for her lips are perpetually bathed +in oil and grease. And he that embraces her, shall find the +better half of her the tailor’s, and only a stuffing of +cotton and canvas, to supply the defects of her body. When +she goes to bed, she puts off one half of her person with her +shoes. What do ye think of your adored beauty now? or have +your eyes betrayed ye? Well, well; confess your error and +mend it; and know that (without more descant upon this woman) +’tis the design and glory of most of the sex to lead silly +men captive. Nay take the best of them, and what with the +trouble of getting them and the difficulty of pleasing them, he +that comes off best will find himself a loser at the foot of the +account. I could recommend you here to other remedies of +love, inseparable from the very sex, but what I have said +already, I hope, will be sufficient.”</p> +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<p style="text-align: center">THE END OF THE FIFTH VISION</p> +<h2><a name="page148"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 148</span>THE +SIXTH VISION OF HELL</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">Being</span> one autumn at a +friend’s house in the country (which was indeed a most +delicious retreat) I took a walk one moonlight night into the +park, where all my past visions came fresh into my head again, +and I was well enough pleased with the meditation. At +length the humour took me to leave the path, and go further into +the wood: what impulse carried me to this, I know not. +Whether I was moved by my good angel, or some higher power, but +so it was that in half a quarter of an hour, I found myself a +great way from home, and in a place where ’twas no longer +night; with the pleasantest prospect round about me that ever I +saw since I was born. The air was calm and temperate; and +it was no small advantage to the beauty of the place, that it was +both innocent and silent. On the one hand, I was +entertained <a name="page149"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +149</span>with the murmurs of crystal rivulets; on the other, +with the whispering of the trees; the birds singing all the while +either in emulation, or requital of the other harmonies. +And now, to show the instability of our affections and desires, I +was grown weary even of tranquillity itself, and in this most +agreeable solitude began to long for company.</p> +<p>When in the very instant (to my great wonder) I discovered two +paths, issuing from one and the same beginning but dividing +themselves forwards, more and more, by degrees, as if they liked +not one another’s company. That on the right hand was +narrow, almost beyond imagination; and being very little +frequented, it was so overgrown with thorns and brambles, and so +stony withal, that a man had all the trouble in the world to get +into’t. One might see, however, the prints and marks +of several passengers that had rubbed through, though with +exceeding difficulty; for they had left pieces of heads, arms, +legs, feet, and many of them their whole skins behind them. +Some we saw yet upon the way, pressing forward, without ever so +much as looking back; and these were all of them pale-faced, +lean, thin, and miserably mortified. There was <a +name="page150"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 150</span>no passing +for horsemen; and I was told that St. Paul himself left his +horse, when he went into’t. And indeed, there was not +the footing of any beast to be seen. Neither horse nor +mule, nor the track of any coach or chariot. Nor could I +learn that any had passed that way in the memory of man. +While I was bethinking myself of what I had seen, I spied at +length a beggar that was resting himself a little to take breath; +and I asked him what inns or lodgings they had upon that +road. His answer was that there was no stopping there, till +they came to their journey’s end. “For +this,” said he, “is the way to paradise, and what +should they do with inns or taverns, where there are so few +passengers? Do not you know that in the course of nature, +to die is to be born, to live is to travel; and the world is but +a great inn, after which, it is but one stage either to pain or +glory?” And with these words he marched forward, and +bade me God-b’w’ye, telling me withal that it was +time lost to linger in the way of virtue, and not safe to +entertain such dialogues as tend rather to curiosity than +instruction. And so he pursued his journey, stumbling, +tearing his flesh, and sighing, and groaning at every step; and +weeping as if he thought <a name="page151"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 151</span>to soften the stones with his +tears. This is no way for me, thought I to myself; and no +company neither; for they are a sort of beggarly, morose people, +and will never agree with my humour. So I drew back and +struck off into the left-hand way.</p> +<p>And there I found company enough and room for more. What +a world of brave cavaliers! Gilt coaches, rich liveries, +and handsome, lively lasses, as glorious as the sun! Some +were singing and laughing, others tickling one another and +toying; some again, at their cheese-cakes and China oranges, or +appointing a set at cards: so that taking all together, I durst +have sworn I had been at the park. This minded me of the +old saying, “Tell me thy company, and I’ll tell thee +thy manners;” and to save the credit of my education, I put +myself into the noble mode, and jogged on. And there was I +at the first dash up to the ears, in balls, plays, masquerades, +collations, dalliances, amours, and as full of joy as my heart +could hold.</p> +<p>It was not here, as upon t’other road, where folks went +barefoot and naked, for want of shoemakers and tailors, for here +were enow, and to spare; beside mercers, drapers, jewellers, +bodice-makers, peruke-makers, milliners, and a French ordinary <a +name="page152"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 152</span>at every +other door. You cannot imagine the pleasure I took in my +new acquaintance; and yet there was now and then some justling +and disorder upon the way, chiefly between the physicians upon +their mules, and the infantry of the lawyers, that marched in +great bodies before the judges, and contested for place. +But the physicians carried it in favour of their charter, which +gives them privilege to study, practise, and teach the art of +poisoning, and to read lectures of it in the universities. +While this point of honour was in dispute, I perceived divers +crossing from one way to the other, and changing of +parties. Some of them stumbled and recovered; others fell +down right. But the pleasantest gambol of all was that of +the vintners. A whole litter of them tumbled into a pit +together, one over another, but finding they were out of their +element, they got up again as fast as they could. Those +that were in the right-hand way, which was the way of paradise, +or virtue, advanced very heavily, and made us excellent +sport. “Prithee look what a Friday-face that fellow +makes!” cries one; “Hang him, prick-eared cur,” +says another; “Damn me,” cries a third, “if the +rogue be not drunk with holy water;” <a +name="page153"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 153</span>“If +the devil had raked hell, he could not have found such a pack of +ill-looked rascals,” says another. Some of them +stopped their ears, and went on without minding us. Others +we put out of countenance, and they came over to us. And a +third sort came out of pure love to our company.</p> +<p>After this, I observed a great many people afar off in a +by-path: with as much contrition and devotion in their looks and +gestures as ever I saw in men. They walked shaking their +heads, and lifting up their hands to heaven; and they had most of +them large ears, and, to my thinking, Geneva Bibles. These, +thought I, are a people of singular integrity, and strictness of +life, above their fellows; but coming nearer, we found them to be +hypocrites; and that though they’d none of our company upon +the road, they would not fail to meet us at our journey’s +end. Fasting, repentance, prayer, mortification, and other +holy duties, which are the exercise of good Christians, in order +to their salvation, are but a kind of probation to these men, to +fit them for the devil. They were followed by a number of +devotees, and holy sisters, that kissed the skirts of their +garments all the way they went, but whether out of zeal, +spiritual, or natural, <a name="page154"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 154</span>is hard to say; and undoubtedly, +some women’s kisses are worse than Judas’s. For +though his kiss was treacherous in the intention, it was right +yet in the application: but this was one Judas kissing another, +which makes me think there was more of the flesh than of the +spirit in the case. Some would be drawing a thread now and +then out of the holy man’s garment, to make a relic +of. Others would cut out large snips, as if they had a mind +to see them naked. Some again desired they would remember +them in their prayers; which was just as much as if they had +commended themselves to the devil by a third person. Some +prayed for good matches for their daughters; others begged +children for themselves: and sure the husband that allows his +wife to ask children abroad will be so civil as to take them +home, when they are given him. In fine, these hypocrites +may for a while perchance impose upon the world, and delude the +multitude; but no mask or disguise is proof against the +all-piercing eye of the Almighty. There are I must confess +many religious and godly men, for whose persons and prayers I +have a great esteem. But these are not of the +hypocrites’ humour, to build their hopes and ambition upon +<a name="page155"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 155</span>popular +applause, and with a counterfeit humility, to proclaim their +weakness and unworthiness; their failings; yea and their +transgressions in the market-place; all which is indeed but a +true jest; for they are really what they say, though they would +not be thought so.</p> +<p>These went apart, and were looked upon to be neither fish nor +flesh nor good red-herring. They wore the name of +Christians; but they had neither the wit nor the honesty of +pagans. For they content themselves with the pleasures of +this life, because they know no better. But the hypocrite, +that’s instructed both in the life temporal and eternal, +lives without either comfort in the one, or hope in the other; +and takes more pains to be damned than a good Christian does to +compass his salvation. In short, we went on our way in +discourse. The rich followed their wealth, and the poor the +rich; begging there what Providence had denied them. The +stubborn and obstinate went away by themselves, for they would +hear nobody that was wiser than themselves, but ran huddling on, +and pressed still to be foremost. The magistrates drew +after them all the solicitors and attorneys. Corrupt judges +were carried away by passion and <a name="page156"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 156</span>avarice. And vain and +ambitious princes trailed along with them principalities and +commonwealths. There were a world of clergy upon this road +too. And I saw one full regiment of soldiers there, which +would have been brave fellows indeed, if they had but been half +so good at praying and fighting, as they were at swearing. +Their whole discourse was of their adventures, how narrowly they +came off at such an assault; what wounds they received upon +t’other breach; and then what a destruction they made at +such a time, of mutton and poultry. But all they said came +in at one ear and went out at t’other. +“Don’t you remember, sirrah,” says one, +“how we clawed it away at such a place!” +“Yes, ye damned rogue you,” cries t’other, +“when you were so drunk you took your aunt for the +bawd.” These and such as these were the only exploits +they could truly brag of.</p> +<p>While they were upon these glorious rhodomontades, certain +generous spirits from the right-hand way, that knew what they +were, by the boxes of passports, testimonials, and +recommendations they wore at their girdles, cried out to them, as +if it had been to an attack: “Fall on, fall on, my lads, +and follow me. This, this is the path of honour, and if you +were not <a name="page157"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +157</span>poltroons you would not quit it for fear of a hard +march, or an ill lodging. Courage comrades; and be assured +that this combat well fought makes all your fortunes, and crowns +ye for ever. Here, ye shall be sure both of pay and reward, +without casting the issue of all your hazards and hopes upon the +empty promises of princes. How long will ye pursue this +trade of blood and rapine? And accustom your ears and +tongues to the tragical outcries of, Burn; No quarter; Kill, or +Die. It is not pay, or pillage, but Virtue that’s a +brave man’s recompense. Trust to her, and +she’ll not deceive ye. If it be the war ye love, come +to us; bear arms on the right side, and we’ll find you +work. Do not you know that man’s life is a +warfare? That the world, the flesh, and the devil, are +three vigilant enemies? And that it is as much as his soul +is worth, to put himself, but for one minute, out of his +guard. Princes tell ye, that your bloods and your lives are +theirs, and that to shed the one, and lose the other, in their +service, is no obligation, but a duty. You are still +however to look to the cause; wherefore turn head, and come along +with us, and be happy.” The soldiers heard all this +with exceeding patience and attention; but the <a +name="page158"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 158</span>brand of +cowardice had such an effect upon them, that without any more +ado, like men of honour, they presently quitted the road; drew; +and as bold as lions, charged headlong into a tavern.</p> +<p>After this, we saw a great troop of women, upon the highway to +hell, with their bags and their fellows, at their heels, ever and +anon hunching and justling one another. On the other side, +a number of good people, that were almost at the end of their +journey, came over into the wrong road; for the right-hand way +growing easier and wider toward the end, and that on the left +hand, on the contrary, narrower, they thought they had been out +of their way, and so came in to us; as many of ours went over to +them, upon the same mistake. Among the rest, I saw a great +lady, without either coach, sedan, or any living creature with +her, foot it all the way to hell: which was to me so great a +wonder, considering how she had lived in the world, that I +presently looked about for a public notary to make an entry of +it. The woman was in a most miserable pickle; and I did not +know what design she might drive on, under that disguise; but +finding never a notary, or register at hand, though I missed my +particular aim, yet I was well <a name="page159"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 159</span>enough pleased with it, for I took +it then for granted that I was in my ready way to heaven. +But when I came afterward to reflect upon the crosses, +afflictions, and mortifications, that lie in the way to paradise; +and to consider that there was nothing of that upon this road; +but on the contrary, laughing, singing, frollicking, and all +manner of jollity: this I must confess gave me a qualm, and made +me a little doubtful whither I was going.</p> +<p>But I was quickly delivered of that doubt by a gang of married +men, that we overtook with their wives in their hands, in +evidence of their mortifications: “My wife’s my +witness,” cries one, “that every day since I married +her has been a fasting day to me; to pamper her with cock-broth, +and jellies. And my wife knows how I have humbled my body +by nakedness; for I have hardly allowed myself a rag to my +backside; or a shoe to my foot, to maintain her in her coach, +pages, gowns, petticoats, and jewels.” So that upon +the matter, I perceive an unlucky hit with a wife gives a man as +much right to the catalogue of martyrs, as if he had ended his +days at the stake.</p> +<p>The misery these poor wretches endured made me think myself in +the right again; <a name="page160"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +160</span>till I heard a cry behind me, “Make way there; +make way for the ’pothecaries.” Bless me, +thought I, if they be here, we are certainly going to the +devil. And so it proved, for we were just then come to a +little door, that was made like a mousetrap, where ’twas +easy to get in, but there was no getting out again.</p> +<p>It was a strange thing, that scarce anybody so much as dreamt +of hell, all the way we went; and yet everybody knew where they +were, as soon as they came there; and cried out with one voice, +“Miserable creatures! we are damned, we are +damned.” That word made my heart ache; and is it come +to that? said I. Then did I begin with tears in my eyes to +reflect upon what I had left in the world, as my relations, +friends, ladies, mistresses, and in fine, all my old +acquaintance: when with a heavy sigh, looking behind me, I saw +the greater part of them posting after me. It gave me, +methought, some comfort, that I should have so good company; +vainly imagining that even hell itself might be capable of some +relief.</p> +<p>Going farther on I was gotten into a crowd of tailors, that +stood up sneaking in a corner, for fear of the devils. At +the first door, there were seven devils, taking <a +name="page161"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 161</span>the names +of those that came in; and they asked me mine, and my quality, +and so they let me pass. But, examining the tailors, +“These fellows,” cried one of the devils, “come +in such shoals, as if hell were made only for +tailors.” “How many are they?” says +another. Answer was made, “About a +hundred.” “About a hundred? They must be +more than a hundred,” says t’other, “if they be +tailors; for they never come under a thousand, or twelve hundred +strong. And we have so many here already, I do not know +where we shall ’stow them. Say the word, my masters, +shall’s let them in or no?” The poor prick-lice +were damnedly startled at that, for fear they should not get in: +but in the end, they had the favour to be admitted. +“Certainly,” said I, “these folks are but in an +ill condition, when ’tis a menace for the devils themselves +to refuse to receive them.” Thereupon a huge, +overgrown, club-footed, crump-shouldered devil, threw them all +into a deep hole. Seeing such a monster of a devil, I asked +him how he came to be so deformed. And he told me, he had +spoiled his back with carrying of tailors: “for,” +said he, “I have been formerly made use of as a sumpter to +fetch them; but now of late they save me that labour, and come <a +name="page162"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 162</span>so fast of +themselves, that ’tis one devil’s work to dispose of +them.” While the word was yet speaking, there came +another glut of them, and I was fain to make way, that the devil +might have room to work in, who piled them up, and told me they +made the best fuel in hell.</p> +<p>I passed forward then into a little dark alley, where it made +me start to hear one call me by my name, and with much ado I +perceived a fellow there all wrapt up in smoke and flame. +“Alas! sir,” says he; “have you forgotten your +old bookseller in Popes-Head Alley?” “I cry +thee mercy, good Livowell,” quoth I, “what? art thou +here?” “Yes, sir,” says he, +“’tis e’en too true. I never dreamt it +would have come to this.” He thought I must needs +pity him, when I knew him: but truly I reflected rather upon the +justice of his punishment. For in a word, his shop was the +very mint of heresy, schism, and sedition. I put on a face +of compassion however, to give him a little ease, which he took +hold of, and vented his complaint. “Well sir,” +says he, “I would my father had made me a hangman, when he +made me a stationer; for we are called to account for other +men’s works, as well as for our own. And one thing +that’s cast in our <a name="page163"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 163</span>dish, is the selling of +translations, so dog cheap, that every sot knows now as much as +would formerly have made a passable doctor, and every nasty groom +and roguey lackey is grown as familiar with Homer, Virgil, Ovid, +as if ’twere <i>Robin the Devil</i>, <i>The Seven +Champions</i>, or a piece of George Withers.” He +would have talked on, if a devil had not stopped his mouth with a +whiff from a roll of his own papers, and choked him with the +smoke on’t. The pestilent fume would have dispatched +me too, if I had not got presently out of the reach +on’t. But I went my way, saying this to myself, If +the bookseller be thus criminal, what will become of the +author!</p> +<p>I was diverted from this meditation, by the rueful groans of a +great many souls that were under the lash, and the devil +tyrannising over them with whips and scourges. I asked what +they were, and it was told me, that there was a plot among the +hackney-coachmen to exhibit an information against the devils, +for taking the whip out of their hands, and setting up a trade +they had never served to, (which is directly contrary to +<i>Quinto Elizabethæ</i>). “Well,” said +I: “but why are these tormented here?” With +that, an old sour-looked coachman took the answer out of the +devil’s <a name="page164"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +164</span>mouth, and told me, that it was because they came to +hell a horseback, which they pretended was a privilege that did +not belong to rogues of their quality. “Speak truth, +and be hanged,” cried the devil; “and make an honest +confession here. Say, sirrah, how many bawdy voyages have +you made to Hackney? How many nights have you stood pimping +at Marybone? How many whores and knaves have you brought +together? And how many lies have you told, to keep all +private, since you first set up this scandalous +trade?” There was a coachman by, that had served a +judge, and thought ’twas no more for his old master to +fetch a rascal out of hell than out of Newgate; which made this +fellow stand upon his points, and ask the devil, how he durst +give that language to so honourable a profession; +“for,” says he, “who wears better clothes than +your coachmen? Are not we in our velvets, embroideries, and +laces? and as glorious as so many phaetons? Have not our +masters reason to be good to us, when their necks are at stake +and their lives at our mercy? Nay, we govern those, many +times, that govern kingdoms; and a prince is almost in as much +danger of his coachman as of his physician. And there are +that understand <a name="page165"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +165</span>it too, and themselves, and us; and that will not stick +to trust their coachmen as far as they would do their +confessors. There’s no absurdity in the comparison; +for if they know some of their privacies, we know more; yes, and +perhaps more than we’ll speak of.” “What +have we here to do?” cried a devil that was ready to break +his heart with laughing. “A coachman in his tropes +and figures? An orator instead of a waggoner? The +slave has broke his bridle, and got his head at liberty, and now +he’ll never have done.” “No, why should +he?” says another that had served a great lady more ways +than one. “Is this the best entertainment you can +afford your servants? your daily drudges? I’m sure we +bring you good commodity, well packed; well conditioned; well +perfumed; right, neat, and clean: not like your city-ware that +comes dirty to you, up to the hocks; and yet every daggle-tailed +wench, and skip-kennel, shall be better used than we. +Ah! The ingratitude of this place! If we had done as +much for somebody else, as we have done for you, we should not +have been now to seek for our wages. When you have nothing +else to say, you tell me that I am punished for carrying the +sick, the gouty, the lame, <a name="page166"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 166</span>to church, to mass; or some +straggling virgins, back again to their cloister: which is a +damned lie; for I am able to prove, that all my trading lay at +the play-houses, bawdy-houses, taverns, balls, collations: or +else at the <i>Tour à la Mode</i>, where there was still +appointed some after-meeting; to treat of certain affairs, that +highly import the interest and welfare of your dominions. I +have indeed carried my mistress sometimes to the church door, but +it signified no more than if I had carried her to a conventicle; +for all her business there was to meet her gallant, and to agree +when they should meet next; according to the way of devotion now +in mode. To conclude: It is most certain, that I never took +any creature (knowingly) into my coach, that had so much as a +good thought. And this was so well known, that it was all +one to ask, If a lady were a maid, or if she had ever been in my +coach. If it appeared she had, he that married her knew +beforehand what he had to trust to. And after all this, ye +have made us a fair requital.” With that the devil +fell a-laughing, and with five or six twinging jerks, half flayed +the poor coachman; so that I was e’en glad to retire, in +pity partly to the coachman and partly to myself; <a +name="page167"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 167</span>for the +currying of a coachman is little better than the turning up of a +dunghill.</p> +<p>My next adventure was into a deep vault, where I began +immediately to shudder, and my teeth chattered in my head. +I asked the meaning of it; and there came up to me a devil, with +kibed heels and his toes all mortified; and told me that that +quarter was allotted to the buffoons and drolls, “which are +a people,” says he, “of so starved a conceipt, and so +cold a discourse, that we are fain to chain and lock them up, for +fear they should spoil the temper of our fire.” I +asked if a man might see them. The devil told me yes, and +showed me one of the lewdest kennels in hell. And there +were they at it, pecking at one another, and nothing but the same +fooleries over and over again that they had practised upon +earth. Among the buffoons, I saw divers that passed here in +the world for men of honesty and honour; which were in, as the +devil told me, for flattery, and were a sort of buffoon, that +goes betwixt the bark and the tree. “But, why are +they condemned?” said I. “The other buffoons +are condemned,” quoth the devil, “for want of favour; +and these, for having too <a name="page168"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 168</span>much, and abusing it. You must +know, they come upon us, still at unawares; and yet they find all +things in readiness; the cloth laid, and the bed made, as if they +were at home. To say the truth, we have some sort of +kindness for them; for they save us a great deal of trouble, in +tormenting one another.</p> +<p>“Do you see him there? That was a wicked, and a +partial judge; and all he has to say for himself, is, that he +remembers the time when he could have broke the neck of two +honest causes, and he put them only out of joint. That good +fellow there was a careless husband, and him we lodge too with +the buffoons. He sold his wife’s portion, wife and +all, to please his companions; and turned both into an +annuity. That lady there (though a great one) is fain to +take up too with the buffoons, for they are both of a humour: +what they do with their talk, she does with her body, and seasons +it to all appetites. In a word, you shall find buffoons in +all conditions; and, in effect, there are nigh as many as there +are men and women: for the whole world is given to jeering, +slandering, backbiting, and there are more natural buffoons than +artificial.”</p> +<p>At my going out of the vault, I saw a <a +name="page169"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 169</span>matter of a +thousand devils following a drove of pastry-men, and breaking +their heads as they passed along, with iron peels. +“Alack!” cried one of them, that was yet in a whole +skin, “it is hard the sin of the flesh should be laid to +our charge, that never had to do with women.” +“Impudent, nasty rascals,” quoth a devil, “who +has deserved hell, if they have not? How many thousand men +have these slovens poisoned, with the grease of their heads and +tails, instead of mutton-suet? with snot-pies for marrow; and +flies for currants? How many stomachs have they turned into +lay-stalls with the dogs’-flesh, horse-flesh and other +carrion that they have put into them? And do these rogues +complain (in the devil’s name) of their sufferings! +Leave your bawling, ye whelps,” says he, “and know, +that the pain you endure is nothing to that of your +tormentors. And for your part,” says he, to me, with +a sour look, “because you are a stranger, you may go about +your business; but we have a crow to pluck with these fellows, +before we part.”</p> +<p>I went next down a pair of stairs into a huge cellar, where I +saw men burning in unquenchable fire; and one of them roaring, +cried out, “I never over-sold; I <a +name="page170"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 170</span>never sold, +but at conscionable rates, why am I punished thus?” I +durst have sworn it had been Judas, but going nearer to him, to +see if he had a red head, I found him to be a merchant of my +acquaintance, that died not long since. “How now, old +Martin,” said I, “art thou there?” He was +dogged, because I did not call him Sir, and made no answer. +I saw his grief, and told him how much he was to blame, to +cherish that vanity even in hell, that had brought him +thither. “And what do ye think on’t now,” +said I, “had not you better have traded in blacks than +Christians? Had not you better have contented yourself with +a little, honestly got, than run the hazard of your soul for an +estate; and have gone to heaven afoot, rather than to the devil +on horseback?” My friend was as mute as a fish; +whether out of anger, shame, or grief, I know not. And then +a devil in office took up the discourse. “These +pickpocket rogues,” says he, “did they think to +govern the world with their own weights and measures, <i>in +secula seculorum</i>? Methinks, the blinking and false +lights of their shops should have minded them of their quarter, +in the other world, aforehand. And ’tis all a case, +with jewellers, goldsmiths, and other <a name="page171"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 171</span>trades, that serve only to flatter +and bolster up the world in luxury and folly. But if people +would be wise, these youths should have little enough to +do. For what’s their cloth of gold and silver, their +silks, their diamond and pearl, (which they sell at their own +price) but matter of mere wantonness and superfluity? These +are they that inveigle ye into all sorts of extravagant expenses, +and so ruin ye insensibly, under colour of kindness and +credit. For they set everything at double the rate; and if +you keep not touch at your day, your persons are imprisoned, your +goods seized, and your estates extended. And they that +helped to make you princes before, are now the forwardest to put +you into the condition of beggars.”</p> +<p>The devil would have talked on, if I had given him the +hearing, but there was such a laugh set up on one side of me, as +if they would all have split; and I went to see what the matter +was; for ’twas a strange thing, methought, to hear them so +merry in hell. The business was, there were two men upon a +scaffold, in Gentile habits, gaping as loud as they could +bawl. One of them had a great parchment in his hand, +displayed, with divers’ labels hanging <a +name="page172"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 172</span>at it, and +several seals. I thought at first it might have been +execution-day, and took the writing for a pardon or +reprieve. At every word they spoke, a matter of seven or +eight thousand devils burst out a-laughing, as they would have +cracked their sides. And this again made me think, it might +be some jack-pudding or mountebank, showing his tricks or his +attestations, with his congregation of fools about him. +But, nearer hand, I found my mistake; and that the devils’ +mirth made the gentlemen angry. At last, I perceived that +this great earnestness of theirs was only to make out their +pedigree, and get themselves passed for gentlemen; the parchment +being a testimonial from the Heralds Office to that +purpose. “My father,” says he with the writing +in’s hand, “bore arms for His Majesty in many +honourable occasions of watching and warding; and has made many a +tall fellow speak to the constable, at all hours of the +night. My uncle was the first man that ever was of the +Order of the Black-Guard: and we have had five brave commanders +of our family, by my father’s side, that have served the +State in the quality of marshal’s men and turnkeys, and +given His Majesty a fair account of all the <a +name="page173"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 173</span>prisoners +committed to their charge. And by my mother’s side, +it will not be denied but that I am honourably descended; for my +grandmother was never without a dozen chamber-maids and nurses in +family.” “It may be ’twas her +trade,” quoth the devil, “to procure services and +servants, and consequently to deal in that +commodity.” “Well, well,” said the +cavalier, “she was what she was; and I’m sure I tell +you nothing but truth. Her husband wore a sword, by his +place, for he was a Deputy-Marshal; and to prove myself a man of +honour, I have it here in black and white, under the Seal of the +Office. Why must I then be quartered among a pack of +rascals?” “My gentleman friend,” quoth +the devil, “your grandfather wore a sword, as he was usher +to a fencing school; and we know very well what his son and +grandchild can pretend to. But let that pass; you have led +a wicked and infamous life, and spent your time in whoring, +drinking, blaspheming, and in lewd company; and do you tell us +now of the privileges of your nobility? Your testimonials; +and the Seal of the Office? A fart for your privileges, +testimonials, office and all. There is no honour, but +virtue. And if <a name="page174"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 174</span>your children, though they had a +scoundrel to their father, should come to do honourable and +worthy things, we should look upon them as persons sacred, and +not dare to meddle with them. But talking is time lost; you +were ever a couple of pitiful fellows, and your tails scarce +worth the scalding. Have at ye,” says he, and at that +word, with a huge iron bar he gave him such a salute over the +buttocks, that he took two or three turns in the air, heels over +head, and dropped at last into the common-shore; where never any +man as yet found the bottom.</p> +<p>When his companion had seen him cut that caper, “This +usage,” says he, “may be well enough for a parchment +gentleman; but for a cavalier of my extraction, and profession, I +suppose you’ll treat him with somewhat more of civility and +respect.” “Cavalier,” quoth the devil, +“if you have brought no better plea along with you than the +antiquity of your house, you may e’en follow your comrade, +for ought I know, for we find very few ancient families that had +not some oppressor or usurper for their founders; and they are +commonly continued by the same means they were begun. How +many are there of our titular nobility, that write Noble purely +upon the <a name="page175"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +175</span>account of their violence and injustice? Their +subjects and tenants, what with impositions, hard services, and +racked rents, are they not worse than slaves? If they +happen to have anything extraordinary, as a pleasant fruit, a +handsome colt, a good cow; and that the landlord, or his sweet +lady take a liking to it, they must either submit to part with it +gratis, or else take their pay in foul language or +bastinadoes. And ’tis well if they ’scape so: +for many times when the sign’s in Gemini, their wives and +daughters go to pot, without any regard of laws either sacred or +profane. What damned blasphemies and imprecations do they +make use of, to get credit with a mistress or a creditor, upon a +faithless promise! How intolerable is their pride and +insolence, even towards many considerable officers, both in +Church and State! for they behave themselves as if all people +below their quality and rank in the world were but as so many +brutes, or worse. As if human blood were not all of a +colour; as if nature had not brought them into the world the +common way, or moulded them of the same materials with the +meanest wretches upon the earth. And then, for such as have +military charges and commands, how many great officers are <a +name="page176"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 176</span>there, that +without any consideration of their own, or their princes’ +honour, fall to spoil and pillage? Cozening the State with +false musters, and the soldiers of their pay; and giving them, +instead of their due from the prince, a liberty of taking what is +not their due from the people; forcing them to take the bread out +of the poor labourers’ mouths to fill their own bellies, +and protecting them when they have done in the most execrable +outrages imaginable. And when the poor soldier comes at +last to be dismissed, or disbanded; lame, sick, beggarly, naked +almost, and enraged; with nothing left him to trust to but the +highway to keep him from starving. What mischief is there +in the world, that these men are not the cause of? How many +good families are utterly ruined, and at this day in the +hospital, for trusting to their oaths and promises! and becoming +bound for them, for vast sums of money to maintain them in +tipple, and whores, and in all sorts of luxury and +riot?” This rhetorical devil would have said a +thousand times more, but that his companions called him off, and +told him they had business elsewhere. The cavalier hearing +that, “My friend,” said he, “your morals are +very good, but <a name="page177"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +177</span>yet with your favour, all men are not +alike.” “There’s never a barrel better +herring,” said the devil, “you are all of ye tainted +with original sin, and if you had been any better than your +fellows you had never been sent hither. But if you are +indeed so noble, as you say, you’re worth the burning, if +’twere but for your ashes. And that you may have no +cause of complaint, you shall see, we’ll treat you like a +person of your condition.” And in that instant, two +devils presented themselves; the one of them bridled and saddled; +and the other, doing the office of the squire; holding the +stirrup, with his left hand, and giving the gentleman a lift into +the saddle with the other. Which was no sooner done, but +away he went like an arrow out of a bow. I asked the devil +then into what country he carried him. And he told me, not +far: for ’twas only matter of decorum, to send the nobility +to hell a-horseback. “Look on that side now,” +says he, and so I did; and there I saw the poor cavalier in a +huge furnace, with the first inventors of nobility, and arms: as +Cain, Cham, Nimrod, Esau, Romulus, Tarquin, Nero, Caligula, +Domitian, Heliogabalus; and a world of other brave fellows, that +had made <a name="page178"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +178</span>themselves famous by usurpation and blood. The +place was a little too hot for me, and so I retired, meditating +on what I had heard; and not a little satisfied with the +discourse of so learned a devil. Till that time I took the +devil for a notorious liar; but I find now that he can speak the +truth too, when he pleases; and I would not for all I am worth +but have heard him preach.</p> +<p>When I was thus far, my curiosity carried me still farther; +and within twenty yards I came to a huge muddy, stinking lake, +near twice as big as that of Geneva; and heard in’t so +strange a noise that I was almost out of my wits to know what it +was. They told me that the lake was stored with +Doüegnas, or Gouvernantes, which are turned into a kind of +frogs in hell, and perpetually drivelling, sputtering, and +croaking. Methought the conversion was apt enough; for they +are neither fish, nor flesh, no more than frogs; and only the +lower parts of them are man’s-meat, but their heads are +enough to turn a very good stomach. I could not but laugh +to see how they gaped, and stretched out their legs as they swam, +and still as we came near they’d scud away and dive.</p> +<p><a name="page179"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 179</span>This +was no place to stay in, there was so noisome a vapour; and so I +struck off, upon the left hand, where I saw a number of old men +beating their breasts and tearing their faces, with bitter groans +and lamentations. It made my heart ache to see them, and I +asked what they were: answer was made, that I was now in the +quarter of the fathers that damned themselves to raise their +posterity; which were called by some, the unadvised. +“Wretch that I am!” cried one of them, “the +greatest penitent that ever lived, never suffered the +mortification I have endured. I have watched, I have +fasted, I have scarce had any clothes to my back; my whole life +has been a restless course of torment, both of body and mind: and +all this, to get money for my children; that I might see them +well married; buy them places at court, or procure them some +other preferment in the world: starving myself in the conclusion, +rather than I would lessen the provision I had made for my +posterity. And yet, notwithstanding this my fatherly care, +I was scarce sooner dead, than forgotten: and my next heir buried +me without tears, or mourning; and indeed without so much as +paying of legacies, or praying for my soul: as if they <a +name="page180"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 180</span>had already +received certain intelligence of my damnation. And to +aggravate my sorrows, the prodigals are now squandering and +consuming that estate, in gaming, whoring, and debauches, which I +had scraped together by so much industry, vexation and +oppression, and for which I suffer at this instant such +insupportable torments.” “This should have been +thought on before,” cried a devil, “for sure you have +heard of the old saying, ‘Happy is the child whose father +goes to the devil.’” At which word, the old +misers brake out into fresh rage and lamentation, tearing their +flesh, with tooth and nail, in so rueful a manner, that I was no +longer able to endure the spectacle.</p> +<p>A little farther there was a dark, hideous prison, where I +heard the clattering of chains, the crackling of flames, the +slapping of whips, and a confused outcry of complaints. I +asked what quarter this was; and they told me it was the quarter +of the Oh that I had’s! “What are those,” +said I? Answer was made, that they were a company of +brutish sots, so absolutely delivered up to vice, that they were +damned insensibly, and in hell before they were aware. They +are now reflecting upon their miscarriages and <a +name="page181"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 181</span>omissions, +and perpetually crying out, “Oh that I had examined my +conscience!” “Oh that I had frequented the +Sacraments!” “Oh that I had humbled myself with +fasting, and prayer!” “Oh that I had served God +as I ought!” “Oh that I had visited the sick, +and relieved the poor!” “Oh that I had set a +watch before the door of my lips!”</p> +<p>I left these late repentants, (as it appeared) in exchange for +worse, which were shut up in a base court, and the nastiest that +ever I saw. These were such as had ever in their mouths, +“God is merciful, and will pardon me.” +“How can this be,” said I, “that these people +should be damned? when condemnation is an act of justice, not of +mercy.” “I perceive you are simple,” +quoth the devil, “for half these you see here, are +condemned with the mercy of God in their mouths. And to +explain myself, consider I pray’e how many sinners are +there, that go on in their ways, in spite of reproof, and good +counsel; and still this is their answer, ‘God is merciful, +and will not damn a soul for so small a matter.’ But +let them talk of mercy as they please, so long as they persist in +a wicked life, we are like to have their company at +last.” “By your argument,” said <a +name="page182"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 182</span>I, +“there’s no trusting to Divine Mercy.” +“You mistake me,” quoth the devil, “for every +good thought and work flows from that mercy. But this I +say: He that perseveres in his wickedness, and makes use of the +name of mercy, only for a countenance to his impieties, does but +mock the Almighty, and has no title to that mercy. For +’tis vain to expect mercy from above, without doing +anything in order to it. It properly belongs to the +righteous and the penitent; and they that have the most of it +upon the tongue have commonly the least thought of it in their +hearts: and ’tis a great aggravation of guilt, to sin the +more, in confidence of an abounding mercy. It is true that +many are received to mercy, that are utterly unworthy of it, +which is no wonder, since no man of himself can deserve it: but +men are so negligent of seeking it betimes, that they put that +off to the last, which should have been the first part of their +business; and many times their life is at end, before they begin +their repentance.” I did not think so damned a doctor +could have made so good a sermon. And there I left him.</p> +<p>I came next to a noisome dark hole, and there I saw a company +of dyers, all in dirt and smoke, intermixed with the devils, <a +name="page183"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 183</span>and so +alike that it would have posed the subtlest inquisitor in Spain +to have said, which were the devils and which the dyers.</p> +<p>There stood at my elbow a strange kind of mongrel devil, begot +betwixt a black and a white; with a head so bestruck with little +horns, that it looked at a distance like a hedgehog. I took +the boldness to ask him, where they quartered the Sodomites, the +old women and the cuckolds. “As for the +cuckolds,” said he, “they are all over hell, without +any certain quarter or station; and in truth, ’tis no easy +matter to know a cuckold from a devil, for (like kind husbands) +they wear their wives’ favours still, and the very same +headpieces in hell that they wore living in the world. As +to the Sodomites, we have no more to do with them than needs +must; but upon all occasions, we either fly, or face them: for if +ever we come to give them a broadside, ’tis ten to one but +we get a hit betwixt wind and water; and yet we fence with our +tails, as well as we can, and they get now and then a flap +o’er the mouth into the bargain. And for the old +women, we make them stand off; for we take as little pleasure in +them, as you do: and yet the jades will be persecuting us with +their passions; and ye shall have a bawd of five-and-fifty <a +name="page184"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 184</span>do ye all +the gambols of a girl of fifteen. And yet, after all this, +there’s not an old woman in hell; for let her be as old as +Paul’s — bald, blind, toothless, wrinkled, decrepit: +this is not long of her age, she’ll tell you; but a +terrible fit of sickness last year, that fetched off her hair, +and brought her so low that she has not yet recovered her flesh +again. She lost her eyes by a hot rheum; and utterly +spoiled her teeth with cracking of peach-stones and eating of +sweet-meats when she was a maid. And when the weight of her +years has almost brought both ends together, ’tis nothing +she’ll tell ye but a crick she has got in her back: and +though she might recover her youth again, by confessing her age, +she’ll never acknowledge it.”</p> +<p>My next encounter was, a number of people making their moan +that they had been taken away by sudden death. +“That’s an impudent lie,” cried a devil, +“(saving this gentleman’s presence) for no man dies +suddenly. Death surprises no man, but gives all men +sufficient warning and notice.” I was much taken with +the devil’s civility and discourse; which he pursued after +this manner. “Do ye complain,” says he, +“of sudden death? that have carried death about ye, ever +since you <a name="page185"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +185</span>were born; that have been entertained with daily +spectacles of carcasses and funerals; that have heard so many +sermons upon the subject; and read so many good books upon the +frailty of life and the certainty of death. Do ye not know +that every moment ye live brings ye nearer to your end? +Your clothes wear out, your woods and your houses decay, and yet +ye look that your bodies should be immortal. What are the +common accidents and diseases of life, but so many warnings to +provide yourself for a remove? Ye have death at the table, +in your daily food and nourishment; for your life is maintained +by the death of other creatures. And you have the lively +picture of it, every night for your bedfellow. With what +face then can you charge your misfortunes upon sudden death? that +have spent your whole life, both at bed, and at board, among so +many remembrances of your mortality. No, no; change your +style, and hereafter confess yourselves to have been careless and +incredulous. You die, thinking you are not to die yet; and +forgetting that death grows upon you, and goes along with ye from +one end of your life to the other, without distinguishing of +persons or ages, sex or quality; and whether it finds ye <a +name="page186"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 186</span>well or +ill-doing; As the tree falls, so it lies.”</p> +<p>Turning toward my left hand, I saw a great many souls that +were put up in gallipots, with <i>Assa fœtida</i>, +<i>Galbanum</i>, and a company of nasty oils that served them for +syrup. “What a damned stink is here,” cried I, +stopping my nose. “We are now come undoubtedly to the +devil’s house of office.” “No, no,” +said their tormentor, (which was a kind of a yellowish +complexioned devil) “’tis a confection of +apothecaries. A sort of people, that are commonly damned +for compounding the medicines by which their patients hoped to be +saved. To give them their due, these are your only true and +chemical philosophers; and worth a thousand of Raymund Lullius, +Hermes, Geber, Ruspicella, Avicen, and their fellows; ’tis +true, they have written fine things of the transmutation of +metals; but did they ever make any gold? Or if they did, we +have lost the secret. Whereas your apothecaries, out of a +little puddle-water, a bundle of rotten sticks, a box of +flies—nay out of toads, vipers, and a Sir Reverence itself, +will fetch ye gold ready minted, and fit for the market; which is +more than all your philosophical projectors ever pretended +to. There is no <a name="page187"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 187</span>herb so poisonous, (let it be +hemlock) nor any stone so dry, (suppose the pumice itself) but +they’ll draw silver out of it. And then for words, +’tis impossible to make up any word out of the +four-and-twenty letters, but they’ll show ye a drug, or a +plant of the name; and turn the alphabet into as good money as +any’s in your pocket. Ask them for an eye-tooth of a +flying toad; they’ll tell ye, yes, ye may have of it, in +powder; or if you had rather have the infusion of a tench of the +mountains, in a little eel’s milk, ’tis all one to +them. If there be but any money stirring, you shall have +what you will, though there be no such thing in nature. So +that it looks as if all the plants and stones of the creation had +their several powers and virtues given them, only for the +apothecaries’ sakes; and as if words themselves had been +only made for their advantage. Ye call them apothecaries, +but instead of that, I pray’e call them armourers; and +their shops, arsenals; are not their medicines as certain death +as swords, daggers, or muskets? while their patients are purged +and blooded into the other world, without any regard either to +distemper, measure, or season.</p> +<p>“If you will now see the pleasantest sight you have seen +yet, walk up but these two <a name="page188"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 188</span>steps, and you shall see a jury (or +conspiracy) of barber-surgeons, sitting upon life and +death.” You must think that any divertisement there +was welcome, so that I went up, and found it in truth a very +pleasant spectacle. These barbers were most of them chained +by the middle, their hands at liberty, and every one of them a +cittern about his neck, and upon his knees a chess-board; and +still as he reached to have a touch at the cittern, the +instrument vanished; and so did the chess-board, when he thought +to have a game at draughts; which is directly tantalising the +poor rogues, for a cittern is as natural to a barber as milk to a +calf. Some of them were washing of asses’ brains, and +putting them in again; and scouring of negroes to make them +white.</p> +<p>When I had laughed my fill at these fooleries, my next +discovery was, of a great many people, grumbling and muttering, +that there was nobody looked after them; no not so much as to +torment them; as if their tails were not as well worth the +toasting as their neighbours’. Answer was made, that +being a kind of devils themselves, they might put in for some +sort of authority in the place, and execute the office of +tormentors. This made me ask what they <a +name="page189"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 189</span>were. +And a devil told me (with respect) that they were a company of +ungracious, left-handed wretches, that could do nothing +aright. And their grievance was that they were quartered by +themselves; but not knowing whether they were men or no, or +indeed what else to make of them, we did not know how to match +them, or in what company to put them. In the world they are +looked upon as ill omens; and let any man meet one of them, upon +a journey in a morning, fasting, ’tis the same thing as if +a hare had crossed the way upon him; he presently turns head in a +discontent, and goes to bed again. Ye know that +Scævola, when he found his mistake, in killing another for +Porsenna (the secretary, for the prince) burned his right hand in +revenge of the miscarriage; now the severity of the vengeance, +was not so much the maiming or the crippling of himself, but the +condemning of himself to be for ever left-handed. And so +’tis with a malefactor that suffers justice; the shame and +punishment does not lie so much in the loss of his right hand, as +that the other is left. And it was the curse of an old +bawd, to a fellow that had vexed her, that he might go to the +devil by the stroke of a left-handed man. If the poets +speak truth, (as ’twere a wonder <a +name="page190"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 190</span>if they +should not) the left is the unlucky side; and there never came +any good from it. And for my last argument against these +creatures; the goats and reprobates stand upon the left hand, and +left-handed men are, in effect, a sort of creature that’s +made to do mischief; nay whether I should call them men, or no, I +know not.</p> +<p>Hereupon, a devil beckoned me to come softly to him; and so I +did, without a word speaking or the least noise in the +world. “Now,” says he, “if you’ll +see the daily exercise of ill-favoured women, look through that +lattice window.” And there I saw such a kennel of +ugly bitches, you would have blest yourself. Some, with +their faces so pounced and speckled, as if they had been +scarified, and newly passed the cupping-glass; with a world of +little plaisters, long, round, square; and briefly, cut out into +such variety, that it would have posed a good mathematician to +have found out another figure; and you would have sworn that they +had been either at cat’s play or cuffs. Others, were +scraping their faces with pieces of glass; tearing up their +eyebrows by the roots, like mad; and some that had none to tear +were fetching out of their black boxes, such as they could get, +or make. Others were <a name="page191"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 191</span>powdering and curling their false +locks, or fastening their new ivory teeth in the place of their +old ebony ones. Some were chewing lemon peel, or cinnamon, +to countenance a foul breath; and raising themselves upon their +ciopines, that their view might be the fairer and their fall the +deeper. Others were quarrelling with their looking-glasses, +for showing them such hags’ faces: and cursing the State of +Venice for entertaining no better workmen. Some were +stuffing out their bodies, like pack saddles, to cover secret +deformities: and some again had so many hoods over their faces, +to conceal the ruins, that I could hardly discern what they were; +and these passed for penitents. Others, with their pots of +hog’s grease and pomatum were sleeking and polishing their +faces, and indeed their foreheads were bright and shining, though +there were neither suns nor stars in that firmament. Some +there were (in fine) that would have fetched a man’s guts +up at’s mouth, to see them with their masques of +after-births; and with their menstruous slibber slobbers, daubing +one another to take away the heats and bubos. “Nasty +and abominable!” I cried. “Well,” quoth +the devil, “you see now how far a woman’s wit and +invention will carry her to her own destruction.” <a +name="page192"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 192</span>I could not +speak one word for astonishment at so horrid a spectacle, till I +had a little recollected myself; and then said I, “If I may +deal freely without offence, I dare defy all the devils in hell +to outdo these women. But pray’e let’s be gone, +for the sight of them makes my very heart ache.”</p> +<p>“Turn about then,” said the devil, and there was a +fellow sitting in a chair, all alone; never a devil near him; no +fire or frost; no heat or cold, or anything else, that I could +perceive, to torment him; and yet crying and roaring out the most +hideously of anything I had yet heard in hell; tearing his flesh, +and beating his body, like a bedlam; and his heart, all the +while, bleeding at his eyes. Good Lord, thought I, what +ails this wretch, to yell out thus when nobody hurts him! +So I went up to him. “Friend,” said I, +“what’s the meaning of all this fury and transport? +for, so far as I can see, there’s nothing to trouble +you.” “No, no,” says he with a horrid +outcry, and with all the extravagances of a man in rage and +despair, “you do not see my tormentors; but the +all-searching eye of the Almighty sees my pains as well as my +transgressions, and with a severe and implacable justice has +condemned me to <a name="page193"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +193</span>suffer punishments answerable to my +crimes.” (Which words he uttered with redoubled +clamours.) “My executioners are in my soul, and all +the plagues of hell in my conscience. My memory serves me +instead of a cruel devil. The remembrance of the good I +should have done, and omitted; and of the ill I should not have +done, and did. The remembrance of the wholesome counsels I +have rejected, and of the ill example I have given. And for +the aggravation of my misery; where my memory leaves afflicting +me, my understanding begins: showing me the glories and +beatitudes I have lost, which others enjoy, who have gained +heaven with less anxiety and pain than I have endured to compass +my damnation. Now am I perpetually meditating on the +comforts, beauties, felicities, and raptures of paradise, only to +enflame and exasperate my despair in hell; begging in vain but +for one moment’s interval of ease, without obtaining any; +for my will is also as inexorable as either my memory or my +understanding. And these (my friend of the other world) are +the three faculties of my soul, which Divine Justice, for my +sins, has converted into three tormentors, that torture me +without noise; into three flames, that burn me <a +name="page194"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 194</span>without +consuming. And if I chance at any time to have the least +remission or respite, the worm of my conscience gnaws my soul, +and finds it, to an insatiable hunger, an immortal aliment and +entertainment.” At that word, turning towards me with +a hellish yell, “Mortal,” says he, “learn, and +be assured from me, that all those that either bury or misemploy +their talents, carry a hell within themselves, and are damned +even above ground.” And so he returned to his usual +clamours. Upon this, I left him, miserably sad and +pensive. Well, thought I, what a weight of sin lies upon +this creature’s conscience! Whereupon the devil +observing me in a muse, told me in my ear, that this fellow had +been an atheist, and believed neither God nor devil. +“Deliver me then,” said I, “from that +unsanctified wisdom, that serves us only for our further +condemnation.”</p> +<p>I was gone but a step or two aside, and I saw a world of +people running after burning chariots, with a great many souls in +them, and the devils tearing them with pincers; and before them +marched certain officers, making proclamation of their sentence, +which with much ado I got near enough to hear, and it was to this +effect. “Divine Justice hath appointed this +punishment <a name="page195"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +195</span>to the scandalous, for giving ill examples to their +neighbours.” And at the same time, several of the +damned laid their sins to their charge, and cried out, that +’twas ’long of them they were thus tormented. +So that the scandalous were punished both for their own sins and +for the offences of those they had misled to their +destruction. And these are they of whom ’tis said, +that they had better never have been born.</p> +<p>My very soul was full of anguish, to see so many doleful +spectacles; and yet I could not but smile, to see the vintners +everywhere up and down hell, as free as if they had been in their +taverns, and only prisoners upon parole. I asked how they +came by that privilege; and a devil told me, there was no need of +shackling them, or so much as shutting them up; for there was no +fear of their making a ’scape, that took so much pains in +the world, and made it their whole business to come +thither. “Only,” says he, “if we can keep +them from throwing water in the fire, as they do in their wines, +we are well enough. But if you would see somewhat worth the +while, leave these fellows, and follow me; and I’ll show ye +Judas and his brethren, the stewards, and +purse-bearers.” So I did <a name="page196"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 196</span>as he bade me, and he brought me to +Judas, and his companions, who had no faces, divers of them, and +most of them no foreheads.</p> +<p>I was well enough pleased to see him, and to be better +informed; for I had ever fancied him to be a kind of an +olive-coloured, tawny-complexioned fellow, without a beard; and +an Eunuch into the bargain: which perhaps (nay probably) he was; +for nothing but a capon, a thing unmanned, could ever have been +guilty of so sordid and treacherous a villainy, as to sell and +betray his Master, with a kiss; and after that, so cowardly, as +to hang himself in despair, when he had done. I do believe, +however, what the Church says of him, that he had a carrot beard +and a red head; but it may be his beard was burnt, and as he +appeared to me in hell I could not but take him for an Eunuch, +which to deal freely, is my opinion of all the devils, for they +have no hair; and they are for the most part wrinkled and +baker-legged.</p> +<p>Judas was beset with a great many money-mongers and +purse-bearers, that were telling him stories of the pranks they +had played, and the tricks they had put upon their masters, after +his example. <a name="page197"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +197</span>Coming up to them, I perceived that their punishment +was like that of Titius, who had a vulture continually gnawing +upon his liver; for there were a number of ravenous birds +perpetually preying upon them, and tearing off their flesh; which +grew again as fast as they devoured it; a devil in the meantime +crying out, and the damned filling the whole place with clamour +and horror; Judas, with his purse, and his pot by his side, +bearing a large part in the outcry and torment. I had a +huge mind (methought) to have a word or two with Judas, and so I +went to him with this greeting: “Thou perfidious, impudent, +impious traitor,” said I, “to sell thy Lord and +Master at so base a price, like an avaricious +rascal.” “If men,” said he, “were +not ungrateful, they would rather pity, or commend me, for an +action so much to their advantage, and done in order to their +redemption. The misery is mine, that am to have no part +myself in the benefit I have procured to others. Some +heretics there are (I must confess to my comfort) that adore me +for’t. But do you take me for the only Judas? +No, no. There have been many since the death of my Master, +and there are at this day, more wicked and ungrateful, ten +thousand times <a name="page198"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +198</span>than myself; that buy the Lord of Life, as well as sell +Him, scourging and crucifying Him daily with more spite and +ignominy than the Jews. The truth is, I had an itch to be +fingering of money, and bartering, from my very entrance into the +apostleship. I began, you know, with the pot of ointment, +which I would fain have sold, under colour of a relief to the +poor. And I went on, to the selling of my Master, wherein I +did the world a greater good than I intended, to my own +irreparable ruin. My repentance now signifies +nothing. To conclude, I am the only steward that’s +condemned for selling; all the rest are damned for buying: and I +must entreat you, to have a better opinion of me; for if +you’ll look but a little lower here, you’ll find +people a thousand times worse than myself.” +“Withdraw then,” said I, “for I have had talk +enough with Judas.”</p> +<p>I went down then some few steps, as Judas directed me; and +there I saw a world of devils upon the march, with rods and +stirrup-leathers in their hands, lashing a company of handsome +lasses, stark naked, and driving them out of hell, (which +methought was pity, and if I had had some of them in a corner, I +<a name="page199"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 199</span>should +have treated them better) with the stirrup-leathers, they +disciplined a litter of bawds. I could not imagine why +these, of all others, should be expelled the place, and asked the +question. “Oh,” says a devil, “these are +our factresses in the world, and the best we have, so that we +send them back again to bring more grist to the mill: and indeed, +if it were not for women, hell would be but thinly peopled; for +what with the art, the beauty, and the allurements of the young +wenches, and the sage advice and counsel of the bawds, they do us +very good service. Nay, for fear any of our good friends +should tire upon the road, they send them to us on horseback, or +bring them themselves, e’en to the very gates, lest they +should miss their way.”</p> +<p>Pursuing my journey, I saw, a good way before me, a large +building, that looked (methought) like some enchanted castle, or +the picture of ill-luck; it was all ruinous, the chimneys down, +the planchers all to pieces, only the bars of the windows +standing; the doors all bedaubed with dirt, and patched up with +barrel-heads, where they had been broken. The glass gone, +and here and there a quarrel supplied with paper. I made no +doubt at first but the <a name="page200"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 200</span>house was forsaken; but, coming +nearer, I found it otherwise, by a horrible confusion of tongues +and noises within it. As I came just up to the door, one +opened it, and I saw in the house many devils, thieves, and +whores. One of the craftiest jades in the pack, placed +herself presently upon the threshold, and made her address to my +guide and me. “Gentlemen,” says she, “how +comes it to pass, I pray’e, that people are damned both for +giving and taking? The thief is condemned for taking away +from another; and we are condemned for giving what is our +own. I do not find, truly, any injustice in our trade; and +if it be lawful to give every one their own, and out of their +own, why are we condemned?” We found it a nice point, +and sent the wench to counsel learned in the law, for a +resolution in the case. Her mentioning of thieves made me +inquire after the scriveners and notaries. “Is it +possible,” said I, “that you should have none of them +here? for I do not remember that I have seen so much as one of +them upon the way; and yet I had occasion for a scrivener, and +made a search for one.” “I do believe +indeed,” quoth the devil, “that you have not found +any of them upon the road.” “How then?” +<a name="page201"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 201</span>said I, +“what, are they all saved?” “No, +no,” cried the devil, “but you must understand, that +they do not foot it hither, as other mortals; but come upon the +wing, in troops like wild geese; so that ’tis no wonder you +see none of them upon the way. We have millions of them, +but they cut it away in a trice, for they are damnedly +rank-winged, and will make a flight, in the third part of a +minute, betwixt earth and hell.” “But if there +be so many,” said I, “how comes it we see none of +them?” “For that,” quoth the devil, +“we change their names, when they come hither once, and +call them no longer notaries or scriveners, but cats: and they +are so good mousers, that though this place is large, old, and +ruinous, yet you see not so much as a rat or a mouse in hell, how +full soever of all other sorts of vermin.” “Now +ye talk of vermin,” said I, “are there any catchpoles +here?” “No, not one,” says he. +“How so,” quoth I, “when I dare undertake there +are five hundred rogues of the trade for one that’s +ought.” “The reason is,” says the devil, +“that every catchpole upon earth carries a hell in’s +bosom.” “You have still,” said I, +crossing myself, “an aching tooth at those poor +varlets.” “Why not,” cried <a +name="page202"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 202</span>he, +“for they are but devils incarnate, and so damnedly versed +in the art of tormenting, that we live in continual dread of +losing our places, and that His Infernal Majesty should take +these rascals into his service.”</p> +<p>I had enough of this, and travelling on, I saw a little way +off a great enclosure, and a world of souls shut up in’t; +some of them weeping and lamenting without measure, others in a +profound silence. And this I understood to be the +lovers’ quarter. It saddened me to consider, that +death itself could not kill the lamentations of lovers. +Some of them were discoursing their passions, and teasing +themselves with fears and jealousies; casting all their miseries +upon their appetites and fancies, that still made the picture +infinitely fairer than the person. They were for the most +part troubled with a simple disease, called (as the devil told +me) “I thought.” I asked him what that was, and +he answered me, it was a punishment suitable to their offence: +for your lovers, when they fall short of their expectations, +either in the pursuit or enjoyment of their mistresses, they are +wont to say, “Alas! I thought she would have loved me; I +thought she would never have pressed me to marry <a +name="page203"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 203</span>her; I +thought she would have been a fortune to me; I thought she would +have given me all she had; I thought she would have cost me +nothing; I thought she would have asked me nothing; I thought she +would have been true to my bed; I thought she would have been +dutiful and modest; I thought she would never have kept her +gallant.” So that all their pain and damnation comes +from I thought this or that, or so, or so.</p> +<p>In the middle of them was Cupid, a little beggarly rogue, and +as naked as he was born, only here and there covered with an odd +kind of embroidery: but whether it was the workmanship of the +itch, pox, or measles, I could not perfectly discover; and close +by him was this inscription—</p> +<blockquote><p>Many a good fortune goes to wrack;<br /> +And so does many an able back;<br /> +With following whores and cards and dice,<br /> +Were poxed and beggared in a trice.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>“Aha!” said I, “by these rhymes methinks the +poets should not be far off;” and the word was hardly out +of my mouth, when I discovered millions of them through a park +pale, and so I stopped to look upon them. (It seems in hell +they are not <a name="page204"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +204</span>called poets now, but fools.) One of them showed +me the women’s quarter there hard by, and asked me what I +thought of it, and of the handsome ladies in it. “Is +it not true,” says he, “that a buxom lass is a kind +of half chamber-maid to a man? when she has stripped him and +brought him to bed, she has done her business, and never troubles +herself any further about the helping him up again, and dressing +him.” “How now,” said I, “Have ye +your quirks and conceipts in hell? In troth ye are +pleasant: I thought your edge had been taken off.” +With that, out stepped the most miserable wretch of the whole +company laden with irons: “Ah!” quoth he, “I +would to God the first inventor of rhymes and poetry were here in +my place,” and then he went on with this following and sad +complaint.</p> +<blockquote><p style="text-align: center"><span class="smcap">A +Complaint of the Poets in Hell</span></p> +<p>Oh, this damned trade of versifying<br /> +Has brought us all to hell for lying!<br /> +For writing what we do not think;<br /> +Merely to make the verse cry clink.<br /> +For rather than abuse the metre,<br /> +Black shall be white, Paul shall be Peter.</p> +<p><a name="page205"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 205</span>One +time I called a lady, whore;<br /> +Which in my soul she was no more<br /> +Than I am; a brave lass, no beggar,<br /> +And true, as ever man laid leg o’er.<br /> +Not out of malice, Jove’s my witness,<br /> +But merely for the verses fitness.<br /> +“Now we’re all made,” said I, “if luck +hold,”<br /> +And then I called a fellow cuckold;<br /> +Though the wife was (or I’ll be hanged)<br /> +As good a wench as ever twanged.<br /> +I was once plaguely put to’t;<br /> +This would not hit, that would not do’t;<br /> +At last, I circumcised (’tis true)<br /> +A Christian, and baptized a Jew.<br /> +Nay I’ve made Herod innocent<br /> +For rhyming to Long-Parliament:<br /> +Now to conclude, we are all damned ho,<br /> +For nothing but a game at crambo.<br /> +And for a little jingling pleasure,<br /> +Condemned to torments without measure:<br /> +Which is a little hard in my sense,<br /> +To fry thus for poetic licence.<br /> +’Tis not for sin of thought or deed,<br /> +But for bare sounds, and words we bleed:<br /> +While the cur Cerberus lies growling<br /> +In consort with our catterwowling.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>So soon as he had done. “There is not in the +world,” said I, “a more ridiculous <a +name="page206"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 206</span>frenzy than +yours, to be poetising in hell. The humour sticks close +sure, or the fire would have fetched it out.” +“Nay,” cried a devil, “these versifiers are a +strange generation of buffoons. The time that others spend +in tears and groans for their sins and follies, these wretches +employ in songs and madrigals; and if they chance to light upon +the critical minute, and get a snap at a lady, all’s worth +nothing, unless the whole kingdom ring of it, in some miserable +sing-song or other, under the name forsooth of Phyllis, Chloris, +Silvia, or the like: and the goodly idol must be decked and +dressed up with diamond, pearl, rubies, musk, and amber, and both +the Indies are too little to furnish eyes, lips, and teeth for +this imaginary goddess. And yet after all this magnificence +and bounty, it would put the poor devil’s credit upon the +stretch, to take up an old petticoat in Long Lane, or a pair of +cast-shoes, at the next cobbler’s. Beside, we can +give no account either of their country or religion. They +have Christian names, but most heretical souls; they are Arabians +in their hearts: and in their language, Gentiles; but to say the +truth, they fall short of the right Pagans in their +manners.” If I stay here a little <a +name="page207"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 207</span>longer, +(said I to myself) this spiteful devil will hit me over the +thumbs ere I’m aware; for I was half jealous, that he took +me already for a piece of a poet.</p> +<p>For fear of being discovered, I went my way, and my next visit +was to the impertinent devotees, whose very prayers are made up +of impiety and extravagance. Oh! what sighing was there, +and sobbing! groaning and whining! Their tongues were tied +up to a perpetual silence; their souls drooping, and their ears +condemned to hear eternally the hideous cries and reproaches of a +wheezing devil, greeting them after this manner. “Oh, +ye impudent and profane abusers of prayer and holy duties! that +treat the Lord of heaven and earth in His own house, with less +respect than ye would do a merchant upon the Change, sneaking +into a corner with your execrable petitions, for fear of being +overheard by your neighbours; and yet without any scruple at all, +ye can expose and offer them up to that Eternal Purity! shameless +wretches that ye are! ‘Lord,’ says one, +‘take the old man, my father, to Thyself, I beseech Thee, +that I may have his office and estate. Oh, that this uncle +of mine would but march off! There’s a fat Bishopric, +and a good Deanery; I <a name="page208"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 208</span>would the devil had the incumbent so +I had the dignity. Now for a lusty pot of guineas, or a +lucky hand at dice if it be Thy pleasure, and then I would not +doubt of good matches for my children. Lord, make me His +Majesty’s favourite and Thy servant; that I may get +what’s convenient, and keep what I have gotten. Grant +me this, and I do here engage myself, to entertain six +blue-coats, and bind them out to good trades; to set up a lecture +for every day of the week; to give one-third part of my clear +gains to charitable uses; and another, toward the repairing of +Paul’s; and to pay all honest debts, so far as may stand +with my private convenience.’ Blind and ridiculous +madness! for dust and ashes thus to reason and condition with the +Almighty! for beggars to talk of giving, and obtrude their vain +and unprofitable offerings upon the inexhaustible fountain of +riches and bounty! To pray for those things as blessings, +which are commonly showered down upon us for our confusion and +punishment. And when, in case your wishes take effect, what +becomes of all the sacred vows and promises ye made, in storms, +(perhaps) sickness or adversity? so soon as ye have gained your +port, recovered your health; <a name="page209"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 209</span>or patched up a broken fortune, you +show yourselves, all of ye, a pack of cheats; your vows and +promises are not worth so many rushes: they are forgotten with +your dreams; and to keep a promise upon devotion, that you made +out of necessity, is no article of your religion. Why do ye +not ask for peace of conscience? Increase of grace? +The aid of the Blessed Spirit? But you are too much taken +up with the things of this world, to attend those spiritual +advantages and treasures; and to consider, that the most +acceptable sacrifices and obligations you can make to the +Almighty, are purity of mind, an humble spirit, and a fervent +charity. The Almighty takes delight to be often called +upon, that He may often pour down His blessings upon His +petitioners. But such is the corruption of human nature, +that men seldom think of Him, unless under afflictions; and +therefore it is that they are often visited; for by adversity +they are brought to the knowledge and exercise of their +duty. I would now have you consider, how little reason +there is in your ordinary demands. Put case you have your +asking; what are you the better for the grant? since it fails you +at last; because you did not ask aright. <a +name="page210"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 210</span>When you +die, your estate goes to your children; and for their parts, you +are scarce cold, before you are forgotten. You are not to +expect they should bestow much upon works of charity; for if +nothing went that way while you were living, they’ll live +after your example when you are dead. And, beside, +there’s no merit in the case.” At this word +some of the poor creatures were about to reply; but the devils +had put barnacles upon their lips, that hindered them.</p> +<p>From thence, I went to the witches and wizards; such as +pretend to cure man and beast by charms, words, amulets, +characters: and these were all burning alive. +“These,” says a devil, “are a company of +cozening rogues; the most accursed villains in nature. If +they help one man, they kill another, and only remove the disease +from a worse to a better: and yet there’s no great clamour +against them neither; for if the patient recover, he’s well +enough content, and the doctor gets both reputation and reward +for his pains. If he dies, his mouth is stopped, and forty +to one the next heir does him a good turn for the dispatch. +So that, hit or miss, all is well at last. If you enter +into a debate with them about their remedies, they’ll tell +you, <a name="page211"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +211</span>they learned the mystery of a certain Jew; and +there’s the original of the secret. Now to hear these +quacks give you the history of their cures, is beyond all the +plays and farces in the world. You shall have a fellow tell +you of fifteen people that were run clean through the body, and +glad for a matter of three days to carry their puddings in their +hands; that in four-and-twenty hours he made them as whole as +fishes, and not so much as a scar for a remembrance of the +orifice. Ask him, when and where? you’ll find it some +twelve hundred leagues off, in a <i>terra incognita</i>, by the +token, that at that time he was physician in ordinary to a great +prince that died about five-and-twenty years ago.”</p> +<p>“Come, come,” cried a devil, “make an end of +this visit, and you shall see those now that Judas told you were +ten times worse than himself.” I went along with him, +and he brought me to a passage into a great hall, where there was +a damned smell of brimstone, and a company of match-makers, as I +thought at first; but they proved afterward to be alchymists, and +the devils examining them upon interrogatories, who were filthily +put to’t, to understand their gibberish. Their talk +was much of the planetary metals; gold they <a +name="page212"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 212</span>called Sol; +silver, Luna; tin, Jupiter; copper, Venus. They had about +them their furnaces, crucibles, coal, bellows, clay, minerals, +dung, man’s blood, powders, and alembics. Some were +calcining, others washing, here purifying, there +separating. Fixing what was volatile in one place, and +rarefying what was fix in another. Some were upon the work +of transmutation, and fixing of mercury with monstrous hammers +upon an anvil. And after they had resolved the vicious +matter, and sent out the subtler parts, that they came to the +coppel, all went away in fume. Some again were in a hot +dispute, what fuel was best; and whether Raymund Lullius his +fire, and no fire, could be anything else than lime; or otherwise +to be understood of the light effective of heat, and not of the +effective heat of fire. Others were making their entrance +upon the great work, after the hermetical method. Here they +were watching the progress of their operations, and making their +observations upon proportions and colour. While all the +rest of these blind oracles lay waiting for the recovery of the +<i>materia prima</i>, till they brought themselves to the last +cast both of their lives and fortunes, and instead of turning +base metals and <a name="page213"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +213</span>materials into gold, as they pretended, they made the +contrary inversion, and were glad at length to take up with +beggarly fools and false coiners. What a stir was there, +with crying out, ever and anon! “Look ye, look ye! +the old father is got up again; down with him, down with +him;” what glossing and commenting upon the old chymical +text, that says, “Blessed be Heaven, that has ordered the +most excellent thing in nature out of the vilest.” +“If so,” quoth one, “let’s try if we can +fetch the Philosopher’s Stone out of a common strumpet, +which is of all creatures undoubtedly the vilest.” +And the word was no sooner out, but a matter of three-and-twenty +whores went to pot, but the flesh was so cursedly mawmish and +rotten, that they soon gave over the thought of that +projection. And then they entered upon a fresh +consultation, and concluded, <i>nemine contradicente</i>, that +the mathematicians, by that rule, were the only fit matter to +work upon; as being most damnably dry, (to say nothing of their +divisions among and against themselves) so that with one voice, +they called for a parcel of mathematicians, to the furnace, to +begin the experiment. But a devil came in just in the +God-speed, and told <a name="page214"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 214</span>them, “Gentlemen +philosophers,” says he, “if you would know the +wretchedest and most contemptible thing in the world, it is an +alchymist: and we are of opinion, that you’ll make as good +philosopher’s stones as the mathematicians. However, +for curiosity’s sake, we’ll try for +once.” And so he threw them all together into a great +caldron; and to say the truth, the poor snakes suffered very +contentedly; out of a desire, I suppose, to help on toward the +perfecting of the operation.</p> +<p>On the other side were a knot of astrologers, and one among +the rest that had studied chiromancy or palmistry, who took all +the damned by the hands, one after another. One he told, +that it was as plain as the nose on his face, that he was to go +to the devil, for he perceived it by the Mount of Saturn. +“You,” says he to another, “have been a +swindging whore-master in your days; I see that by the Mount of +Venus here, and by her girdle.” And in short, every +man’s destiny he read in his fist. After him advanced +another, creeping upon all four, with a pair of compasses betwixt +his teeth, his spheres and globes about him, his Jacob’s +staff before him, and his eyes upon the stars, as if he were +taking a height or making <a name="page215"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 215</span>an observation. When he had +gazed a while, up he starts of a sudden, and, wringing his hands, +“Good Lord,” says he, “what an unlucky dog was +I! If I had come into the world but one half quarter of an +hour sooner, I had been saved; for just then Saturn shifted, and +Mars was lodged in the house of life.” One that +followed him, bade his tormentors be sure he was dead; +“for,” says he, “I am a little doubtful of it +myself; in regard that I had Jupiter for my ascendant, and Venus +in the house of life, and no malevolent aspect to cross me. +So that by the rules of astrology, I was to live, precisely, a +hundred years and one, two months, six days, four hours, and +three minutes.” The next that came up was a +geomancer; one that reduced all his skill to certain little +points, and by them would tell you, as well things past as to +come: these points he bestowed at a venture, among several +unequal lines; some long, others shorter, like the fingers of a +man’s hand; and then, with a certain ribble-rabble of +mysterious words, he proceeds to his calculation, upon even or +odd, and challenges the whole world to allow him the most learned +and infallible of the trade.</p> +<p>There were divers great masters of the <a +name="page216"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 216</span>science +that followed him. As Haly, Gerard, Bart’lemew of +Parma, and one Toudin; a familiar friend, and companion of the +great Cornelius Agrippa, the famous conjurer, who though he had +but one soul was yet burning in four bodies. (I mean the +four damnable books he left behind him.) There was +Trithemius too, with his polygraphy and stenography; that had +devils now, his belly-full, though in his lifetime his complaint +was, that he could never have enough of their company; over +against him was Cardan; but they could not set their horses +together, because of an old quarrel, whether was the more +impudent of the two. And there I saw Misaldus, tearing his +beard, in rage, to find himself pumped dry; and that he could not +fool on, to the end of the chapter. Theophrastus was there +too, bewailing himself for the time he had spent at the +alchymist’s bellows. There was also the unknown +author of <i>Clavicula Solomonis</i>, and <i>The Hundred Kings of +Spirits</i>, with the composer of the book, <i>Adversus Omnia +pericula Mundi</i>; Taysnerus too, with his book of +<i>Physiognomy</i> and <i>Chiromancy</i>; and he was doubly +punished, first for the fool he was, and then for those he had +made. Though, to give the man his due, <a +name="page217"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 217</span>he knew +himself to be a cheat, and that he that gives a judgment upon the +lines of a face takes but a very uncertain aim. There were +magicians, necromancers, sorcerers, and enchanters innumerable, +beside divers private boxes that were kept for lords and ladies; +and other personages of great quality, that put their trust in +these disciples of the devil, and go to Strand Bridge or Billiter +Lane, for resolution in cases of death, love, or marriage, and +now and then to recover a gold watch or a pearl necklace.</p> +<p>Not far from these were a company of handsome women, that were +tormented in the quality of witches, which grieved my very heart +to see it; but to comfort me, “What?” says a devil, +“have you so soon forgot the roguery of these +carrions? Have you not had trial enough yet of them? they +are the very poison of life, and the only dangerous magicians +that corrupt all our senses, and disturb the faculties of your +soul; these are they that cozen your eyes with false appearances, +and set up your wills in opposition to your understanding and +reason.” “’Tis right,” said I, +“and now you mind me of it, I do very well remember, that I +have found them so; but let’s go on and see the +rest.”</p> +<p><a name="page218"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 218</span>I was +scarce gone three steps farther, but I was got into so hideous a +dark place that it was e’en a mercy we knew where we +were. There was first at the entrance, Divine Justice, +which was most dreadful to behold; and a little beyond stood +Vice, with a countenance of the highest pride and insolence +imaginable; there was Ingratitude, Malice, Ignorance, obstinate +and incorrigible Infidelity, brutish and headstrong Disobedience, +rash and imperious Blasphemy, with garments dipped in blood, eyes +sparkling, and a hundred pair of chops, barking at Providence, +and vomiting rage and poison. I went in (I confess) with +fear and trembling, and there I saw all the sects of idolaters +and heretics, that ever yet appeared upon the stage of the +universe; and at their feet, in a glorious array, was lascivious +Barbara, second wife to the Emperor Sigismund, and the queen of +harlots: one that agreed with Messalina in this, that virginity +was both a burden and a folly; and that in her whole life she was +never either wearied or satisfied; but herein she went beyond +her, in that she held the mortality as well of the soul as of the +body; but she was now better instructed, and burnt like a bundle +of matches.</p> +<p><a name="page219"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +219</span>Passing forward still, I spied a fellow in a corner, +all alone, with the flames about his ears, gnashing his teeth and +blaspheming through fury and despair. I asked him what he +was, and he told me he was Mahomet. “Why, +then,” said I, “thou art the damnedest reprobate in +hell, and hast brought more wretches hither than half the world +beside: and Lucifer has done well to allot thee a quarter here by +thyself, for certainly thou hast well deserved the first place in +his dominions. But since every man chooses to talk of what +he loves, I prithee, good impostor, tell me, what’s the +reason that thou hast forbidden wine to all thy +disciples?” “Oh,” says he, “I have +made them so drunk with my Alchoran they need no +tipple.” “But why hast thou forbidden them +swines’ flesh too?” said I. +“Because,” says he, “I would not affront the +jambon; for water upon gammon would be false heraldry. And +beside I never loved my people well enough to afford them the +pleasure, either of the grape or the spare-rib. Nay, and +for fear they should chance to grope out the way to heaven, I +have established my power and my dominion by force of arms; +without subjecting my laws to idle disputes and discourses of +reason. Indeed there is little of reason in my precepts, <a +name="page220"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 220</span>and I would +have as little in their obedience. A world of disciples I +have, but I think they follow me more out of appetite than +religion, or for the miracles I work. I allow them liberty +of conscience; they have as many women as they please, and do +what they list, provided they meddle not with the +Government. But look about ye now, and you’ll find +that there are more knaves than Mahomet.”</p> +<p>I did so, and found myself presently surrounded with a ring of +heretics, and their adherents; many of which were ready to tear +out the throats of their leaders. One among the rest was +beset with a brace of devils, and either of them a pair of +bellows, puffing into each ear fire instead of air, which made +him a little hot-headed. There was another, that, as I was +told, was a kind of a symoniac, and had taken up his seat in a +pestilential chair; but it was so dark I could not well discern +whether it was a Pope or a Presbyter.</p> +<p>By this time I had enough of hell, and began to wish myself +out again; but as I was looking about for a retreat, I stumbled +upon a long gallery before I was aware: and there I saw Lucifer +himself, with all his nobility about him, male and female. +(For let married men say their pleasure, <a +name="page221"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 221</span>there are +she-devils too,) I should have been at a damned loss what to do, +or how to behave myself among so many strange faces, if one of +the ushers had not come to me, and told me, that, being a +stranger, it was His Majesty’s pleasure I should enter and +have free liberty of seeing what was there to be seen. We +exchanged a couple or two of compliments, and then I began to +look about me, but never did I see a palace so furnished, nor +indeed comparable to it.</p> +<p>Our furniture at the best is but a choice collection of dead +and dumb statues, or paintings, without life, sense, or motion; +but there, all the pieces were animated, and no trash in the +whole inventory; there was hardly anything to be seen, but +emperors and princes, with some few (perhaps) of their choicest +nobility and privados. The first bank was taken up by the +Ottoman family; and after them sat the Roman emperors, in their +order; and the Roman kings down to Tarquin the proud; beside +highnesses and graces, lords spiritual and temporal +innumerable. My lungs began now to call for a little fresh +air, and I desired my guide to show me the way out again. +“Yes, yes, with all my heart,” says he, “follow +me then:” and so he <a name="page222"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 222</span>carried me away by a back passage +into Lucifer’s house of office, where there was I know not +how many ton of Sir Reverence, and bales of flattering +panegyrics, not to be numbered; all of them licensed, and entered +according to order. I could not but smile at this provision +of tail-timber, and my guide took notice of it, who was a good +kind of a damned droll. But I called still to be gone, and +at length he led me to a little hole like the vent of a vault, +and I crept through it as nimbly as if the devil himself had +given me a lift at the crupper; when, to my great wonder, I found +myself in the park again, where I begun my story: not without an +odd medley of passions, partly reflecting upon what others +endured, and in part upon my own condition of ease and happiness, +that had deserved, perhaps, the contrary as well as they. +This thought put me upon a resolution of leading such a course of +life, for the future, that I might not come to feel these +torments in reality which I had now only seen in vision.</p> +<p>And I must here entreat the reader to follow my example, +without making any further experiment; and likewise not to cast +an ill construction upon a fair meaning. My design is to +discredit and discountenance the works of darkness, <a +name="page223"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 223</span>without +scandalising of persons; and since I speak only of damned, +I’m sure no honest man alive will reckon this discourse a +satire.</p> +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<p style="text-align: center">THE END OF THE SIXTH VISION</p> +<h2><a name="page224"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 224</span>THE +SEVENTH VISION OF HELL REFORMED</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">There</span> happened lately so terrible +an uproar, and disorder in hell, that (though it be a place of +perpetual outrage and confusion) the oldest devil there never +knew the fellow of it; and the inhabitants expected nothing less +than an absolute topsy-turvy and dissolution of their +empire. The devils fell upon the damned; and the damned +fell upon the devils, without knowing one from t’other: and +all running helter-skelter, to and again, like mad; for, in fine, +it was no other than a general revolt. This hurly-burly +lasted a good while, before any mortal could imagine the meaning +of it; but at length there came certain intelligence of a +monstrous talker, a pragmatical, meddling undertaker, and an old +bawd of a gouvernante, that had knocked off their shackles, and +made all this havoc: which may give the reader to understand what +kind of <a name="page225"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +225</span>cattle these are, that could make hell itself more +dangerous and unquiet.</p> +<p>Lucifer, in the meantime, went yelping up and down, and +bawling for chains, handcuffs, bolts, manacles, shackles, +fetters, to tie up his prisoners again; when, in the middle of +his career, he and the babbler or talker I told ye of met +full-butt; and after a little staring one another in the face, +upon the encounter, the babbler opened. “Prince +mine,” says he, “you have a pack of lazy, droning +devils in your dominions, that look after nothing but sit with +their arms and legs across, and leave all your affairs at six and +seven. And you have divers abroad too, upon commission, +that have stayed out their time, and yet give you no account of +their employment.” The gouvernante, who had been +blowing the coal and whispering sedition from one to another, +chanced to pass by in the interim, and, stopping short, addressed +herself to Lucifer: “Look to yourself,” she cried, +“there is a desperate plot upon your diabolical crown and +dignity. There are two tyrants in’t, three parasites, +a world of physicians, and whole legions of lawyers and +attorneys. One word more in your ear. There is among +them a <a name="page226"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +226</span>mongrel priest (a kind of a lay-elder) that will go +near to sit upon your skirts, if you have not a care of +him.”</p> +<p>At the very name of priest and lay-elder Lucifer looked as +pale as death, stood stone-still, as mute as a fish, and in his +very looks discovered his apprehensions. After a little +pause he roused himself as out of a trance: “A priest do ye +say? a lay-elder? tyrants? lawyers? physicians? A +composition to poison all the devils in hell, and purge their +very guts out.” With that, away he went to visit the +avenues and set his guards, and who should he met next but the +meddler, in a monstrous haste and hurry. “Nay +then,” says he, “here is the forerunner of +ill-luck. But what’s the matter?” +“The matter?” cried the meddler; and then with a huge +deal of tedious and impertinent circumstance, he up and told him +that a great many of the damned had contrived an escape; and that +there was a design to call in four or five regiments of +hypocrites and usurers, under colour forsooth of establishing a +better intelligence betwixt earth and hell, with a hundred other +fopperies; and had gone on till this time, if Lucifer would have +found ears. But he had other fish to fry; for neck <a +name="page227"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 227</span>and all was +now at stake; and so he went about his business of putting all in +a posture, and strengthening his guards. And for the +further security of his royal person, he entertained into his own +immediate regiment several reformadoes of the society, that he +particularly knew to be no flinchers.</p> +<p>He began his survey in the vault and dungeons, among his +jailers and prisoners. The make-bate babbler marched in the +van, breathing an air that kindled and inflamed wherever he +passed, without giving any light (setting people together by the +ears, they know not why). In the second place the +gouvernante, as full of news and tittle-tattle as she could hold, +and telling her tale all the way she went. In the breech of +her followed the meddler, leering as he passed along, first on +one side then on the other, without ever moving his head, and +making fair with every soul he saw in’s way. He gave +one a bow, t’other a kiss; “Your most humble +servant,” to a third; “Can I serve you, sir,” +to a fourth: but every compliment was worse to the poor creatures +than the fire itself. “Ah, traitor!” says one; +“for pity’s sake away with this new tormentor!” +cries another. “This fellow <a +name="page228"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 228</span>is hell +upon hell,” says a third. As he trudged on there was +a rabble of rascals got together; and in the middle of the crowd +a most eminent knight of the post, a (great master of his trade) +that was reading a lecture to that venerable assembly, of the +noble mystery of swearing and lying; and would have taught any +man in one quarter of an hour to prove anything upon oath, that +he never saw nor heard of in his life. This doctor had no +sooner cast his eye upon the inter-meddler, but up he started in +a fright. “How now,” says he, “is that +devil here? I came hither on purpose to avoid him; and if I +could but have dreamt he’d have been in hell, beyond all +dispute I’d have gone myself to paradise.”</p> +<p>As he was speaking we heard a great and a confused noise of +arms, blows, and outcries; and presently we discovered several +persons falling one upon another like lightning; and in short +with such a fury, that ’tis not for any tongue or pen to +describe the battle. One of them appeared to be an emperor; +for he was crowned with laurel, and surrounded with a grave sort +of people, that looked like counsellors or senators; and had all +the old statutes and records at their finger’s end: by +which <a name="page229"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +229</span>they endeavoured to make it out, that a king might be +killed in his personal capacity, and his politic capacity never +the worse for’t. And upon this point were they at +daggers drawn with the emperor. Lucifer came then roundly +up to him, and with a voice that made hell quake, “What are +you, sir,” says he, “that take upon you thus in my +dominions?” “I am the great Julius +Cæsar,” quoth he, “that in this general tumult +thought to have revenged myself upon Brutus and Cassius, for +murdering me in the Senate, under colour (forsooth) of asserting +the common liberty: whereas these traitors did it merely out of +envy, avarice, and ambition. It was the emperor, not the +empire they hated. They pretended to destroy me, for +introducing a monarchy; but did they overthrow the monarchy +itself? No; but on the contrary, they confirmed it; and did +more mischief, in taking away my life than I did in dissolving +their republic. However, I died an emperor, and these +villains carried only the infamy and brand of regicides to their +graves, and the world has ever since adored my memory and +abhorred theirs. Tell me,” quoth he, “ye cursed +bloodhounds,” (turning <a name="page230"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 230</span>toward them) “whether was your +government better, think ye, in the hands of your senators, a +company of talking gown-men, that knew not how to keep it, or in +the hands of a soldier that won it by his merit? It is not +the drawing of a charge, or making of a fine oration, that fits +people for government; nor will a crown sit well upon the head of +a pedant; but let him wear it that deserves it. He is the +true patriot that advances the glory of his country, by actions +of bravery and honour. Which has more right to rule, think +ye, he that only knows the laws, or he that maintains them? +The one only studies the government; the other protects it. +Wretched republic! Thou call’st it freedom to obey a +divided multitude, and slavery to serve a single person; and when +a company of covetous little fellows are got together, they must +be styled fathers of their country, forsooth; and shall one +generous person take up with the name of tyrant? Oh! how +much better had it been for Rome to have preserved that one son +that made her mistress of the world, than that multitude of +fathers, who by so many intestine wars rendered her but a +stepmother to her own children. Barbarous and cruel that +you <a name="page231"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 231</span>are! +so much as to mention the name of a commonwealth, considering +that since the people tasted of monarchy they have preferred even +the worst of princes (as Nero, Tiberius, Caligula, Heliogabalus, +etc.) before your tribe of senators.”</p> +<p>This discourse of Cæsar’s struck Brutus with +exceeding shame and confusion; but at length, with a feeble and +trembling voice, he delivered himself to this effect. +“Gentlemen of the Senate,” says he, “do ye not +hear Cæsar? or will ye add sin to sin, and suffer all the +blame to be cast upon the instruments, when you yourselves were +the contrivers of the villainy? Why do ye not answer? for +Cæsar speaks to you, as well as to us. Cassius and +myself were but your bravoes, and governed by your persuasions +and advice, little dreaming of that insatiable ambition that lay +lurking under the gravity of your long beards and robes. +But ’tis the practice of you all, to arraign that tyranny +in the prince, which you would exercise yourselves: in effect, +when you have gotten power, and the colour of authority in your +hands, it is more dangerous for a prince not to comply with you +than for a vassal to rebel against his prince. To what end +served your perfidious and ungrateful <a name="page232"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 232</span>treason? Make answer to +Cæsar. But for our parts, in the conscience of our +sin, we feel the severity of our punishment.”</p> +<p>At these words a hollow-eyed, supercilious senator (that had +been of the conspiracy, and was then blazing like a pitched +barrel) raised himself, and with a faint voice asked Cæsar +what reason he had to complain! “For, prince,” +says he, “if King Ptolomy murdered Pompey the Great, upon +whose score he held his kingdom, why might not the Senate as well +kill you, to recover what you had taken from them? And in +the case betwixt Cæsar and Pompey, let the devils +themselves be judges. As for Achilles (who was one of the +murderers) what he did, was by Ptolomy’s command, and then +he was but a free-booter neither, a fellow that got his living by +rapine and spoil: but Cæsar was undoubtedly the more +infamous of the two. ’Tis true, you wept at the sight +of Pompey’s head, but such tears as were more treacherous +than the steel that killed him. Ah cruel compassion and +revengeful piety! that made thee a more barbarous enemy to +Pompey, dead than living. Oh that ever two hypocrite eyes +should creep into the first head of the world! To conclude, +the death of Cæsar <a name="page233"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 233</span>had been the recovery of our +republic, if the multitude had not called in others of his race +to the government, which rendered thy fall the very hydra of the +empire.”</p> +<p>We had had another skirmish upon these words, if Lucifer had +not commanded Cæsar to his cell again, upon pain of death; +and there to abide such correction as belonged to him, for +slighting the warnings he had of his disaster. Brutus and +Cassius too were turned over to the politic fools: and the +senators were dispatched away to Minos and Rhadamanthus, and to +sit as assistants in the devils’ bench.</p> +<p>After this I heard a murmuring noise, as of people talking at +a distance, and by degrees I made it out that they were wrangling +and disputing still louder and louder, till at length it was but +a word and a blow, and the nearer I came the greater was the +clamour. This made me mend my pace; but before I could +reach them, they were all together by the ears in a bloody fray: +they were persons of great quality all of them, as emperors, +magistrates, generals of armies. Lucifer, to take up the +quarrel, commanded them peace and silence, and they all obeyed, +but it vexed them to the hearts to be so <a +name="page234"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 234</span>taken off +in the full career of their fury and revenge. The first +that opened his mouth was a fellow so martyred with wounds and +scars, that I took him at first for an indigent officer; but it +proved to be Clitus (as he said himself). And one at his +elbow told him, he was a saucy companion, for presuming to speak +before his time; and so desired audience of Lucifer, for the high +and mighty Alexander, the son of Jupiter, and the emperor and +terror of the world: he was going on with his qualities and +titles; but an officer gave the word, Silence, and bade Clitus +begin; which he took very kindly, and told his story.</p> +<p>“If it may please your Majesty,” says he, “I +was the first favourite of this emperor, who was then lord of all +the known world, bare the title of the King of Kings, and boasted +himself for the son of Jupiter Hammon; and yet after all this +glory and conquest, he was himself a slave to his passions: he +was rash and cruel, and consequently incapable either of counsel +or friendship. While I lived I was near him, and served him +faithfully; but it seems he did not entertain me so much for my +fidelity as to augment the number of his flatterers; but I found +<a name="page235"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 235</span>myself +too honest for a base office; and still as he ran into any foul +excesses, I took a freedom, with all possible modesty, to show +him his mistakes. One day, as he was talking slightly of +his father Philip (that brave prince, from whom he received as +well his honour as his being) I told him frankly what I thought +of that ingratitude and vanity, and desired him to treat his dead +father with more reverence, as a prince worthy of eternal honour +and respect. This commendation of Philip so inflamed him, +that presently he took a partisan and struck me dead in the place +with his own hand. After this, pray’e where was his +divinity, when he gave Abdolominus, (a poor garden-weeder) the +kingdom of Sidonia, which was not, as the world would have it, +out of any consideration of his virtue, but to mortify and take +down the pride and insolence of the Persians. Meeting him +here just now in hell, I asked him what was become of his father +Jupiter now, that he lay so long by’t, and whether he were +not yet convinced that all his flatterers were a company of +rascals, who with their incense and altars would persuade him +that he was of divine extraction and heir-apparent to the throne +and thunder of Jupiter. <a name="page236"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 236</span>This now was the ground of our +quarrel. But, invectives apart, who but a tyrant would have +put a loyal subject to death, only for his affection and regards +to the memory of his dead father? how barbarously did he treat +his favourites, Parmenio, Philotas, Calisthenes, Amintas, etc., +so that good or bad is all a case, for ’tis crime enough to +be the favourite of a tyrant; as, in the course of human life, +every man dies because he is mortal, and the disease is rather +the pretext of his death than the cause of it.” +“You find now,” says Satan, “that tyrants will +show their people many a dog trick, when the humour takes +them. The good they hate, for not being wicked; and the +bad, because they are no worse. How many favourites have +you ever seen come to a fair and timely end? Remember the +emblem of the sponge, and that’s the use that princes make +of their favourites: they let them suck and fill, and then +squeeze them for their own profit.”</p> +<p>At that word there was heard a lamentable cry, and at the same +time a venerable old man, as pale as if he had no blood in his +veins, came up to Lucifer, and told him that his emblem of the +sponge came very pat to his case; “for,” says he, +“I <a name="page237"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +237</span>was a great favourite, and a great hoarder of treasure, +a Spaniard by birth, the tutor and confidant of Nero, and my name +is Seneca. Indeed his bounties were to excess, he gave me +without asking, and in taking I was never covetous but +obedient. It is in the nature of princes, and it befits +their quality, to be liberal where they take a liking, both of +honour and fortunes; and ’tis hard for a subject to refuse, +without some reflection upon the generosity or discretion of his +master. For ’tis not the merit or modesty of the +vassal, but the glory of the prince that is in question; and he +is the best subject that contributes the most to the splendour +and reputation of his sovereign. Nero indeed gave me as +much as such a prince could bestow, and I managed his +liberalities with all the moderation imaginable; yet all too +little to preserve me from the strokes of envious and malicious +tongues, which would have it, that my philosophising upon the +contempt of the world was nothing else but a mere imposture, that +with less danger and notice I might feed and entertain my +avarice, and with the fewer competitors. Finding my credit +with my master declining, it stood me upon to provide some way or +other for my <a name="page238"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +238</span>quiet, and to withdraw myself from being the mark of a +public envy. So I went directly to Nero, and with all +possible respect and humility made him a present back again of +his own bounties. The truth is, I had so great a passion +for his service, that neither the severity of his nature nor the +debauchery of his manners could ever deter me from exhorting him +to nobler courses, and paying him all the duties of a loyal +subject. Especially in cases of cruelty and blood, I laid +it perpetually home to his conscience, but all to little purpose; +for he put his mother to death, laid the city of Rome in ashes, +and indeed depopulated the empire of honest men. And this +drew on Piso’s conspiracy, which was better laid than +executed; for upon the discovery, the prime instruments lost +their lives; and by Divine Providence this prince was preserved, +in order (as one would have thought) to his repentance and change +of life. But upon the issue the conspiracy was prevented, +and Nero never the better. At the same time he put Lucan to +death, only for being a better poet than himself. And if he +gave me my choice what death to die, it was rather cruelty than +pity; for in the very deliberation which death to choose, I +suffered all <a name="page239"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +239</span>even in the terror and apprehension that made me refuse +the rest. The election I made was to bleed to death in a +bath, and I finished my own dispatches hither; where, to my +further affliction, I have again encountered this infamous +prince, studying new cruelties and instructing the very devils +themselves in the art of tormenting.”</p> +<p>At that word Nero advanced, with his ill-favoured face and +shrill voice. “It is very well,” says he, +“for a prince’s favourite or tutor to be wiser than +his master; but let him manage that advantage then with respect, +and not like a rash and insolent fool make proclamation presently +to the world, that he’s the wiser of the two. While +Seneca kept himself within those bounds, I lodged him in my +bosom, and the love I had for that man was the glory of my +government; but when he came to publish once (what he should have +dissembled or concealed) that it was not Nero but Seneca that +ruled the empire, nothing less than his blood could make +satisfaction for so intolerable a scandal, and from that hour I +resolved his ruin. And I had rather suffer what I do a +hundred times over than entertain a favourite that should raise +his credit upon my dishonour. Whether I have reason on my +side or no, I <a name="page240"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +240</span>appeal to all this princely assembly: draw near, I +beseech ye, as many as are here, and speak freely, my royal +brethren, Did ye ever suffer any favourite to escape unpunished, +that had the impudence to write [I and my king] to make a stale +of majesty, and to publish himself a better statesman than his +master?” “No, no,” they cried out all +with one voice, “it never was, and never shall be endured, +while the world lasts: for we have left our successors under an +oath to have a care on’t. ’Tis true, a wise +counsellor at a prince’s elbow is a treasure, and ought to +be so esteemed while he makes it his business to cry up the +abilities and justice of his sovereign; but in the instant that +his vanity transports him to the contrary, away with him to the +dogs, and down with him, for there’s no enduring of +it.”</p> +<p>“All this,” cried Sejanus, “does not yet +concern me; for though I had indeed more brains than Tiberius, +yet I so ordered it that he had the credit in public of all my +private advices. And so sensible he was of my services, +that he made me his partner and companion in the empire; he +caused my statues to be erected, and invested them with sacred +privileges. ‘Let Sejanus live,’ was the daily +cry of the <a name="page241"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +241</span>people; and in truth, my well-being was the joy of the +empire; and far and near there were public prayers and vows +offered up for my health. But what was the end of +all? When I thought myself surest in my master’s arms +and favour, he let me fall, nay he threw me down, caused me to be +cut in pieces, delivering me up to the fury of a barbarous and +enraged multitude, that dragged me along the streets, and happy +was he that could get a piece of my flesh to carry upon a +javelin’s point in triumph. And it had been well if +this inhuman cruelty had stopped here; but it extended to my poor +children, who, though unconcerned in my crimes, were yet to +partake in my fate. A daughter I had, whom the very law +exempted from the stroke of justice, because of her virginity; +but to clear that scruple, she was condemned first to be ravished +by the hangman, and then to be beheaded, and treated as her +father. My first failing was upon temerity and pride: I +would outrun my destiny, defy fortune; and for Divine Providence +I looked upon it as a ridiculous thing. When I was once out +of the way, I thought doing worse was somewhat in order to being +better; and then I began to fortify myself by violence, against +craft and malice. <a name="page242"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 242</span>Some were put to death, others +banished, till, in fine, all the powers of heaven and earth +declared themselves against me. I had recourse to all sorts +of ill people and means. I had my physician for poisoning, +my assassins for revenge; I had my false witnesses and corrupt +judges; and, in truth, what instruments of wickedness had I +not? And all this, not upon choice or inclination, but +purely out of the necessity of my condition. Whenever I +should come to fall, I was sure to be forsaken both of good and +bad; and therefore I shunned the better sort, as those that would +only serve to accuse me; but the lewd and vicious I frequented, +to increase the number of my complices, and make my party the +stronger. But, after all, if Tiberius was a tyrant, +I’ll swear he was never so by my advice; but, on the +contrary, I have suffered more from him for plain dealing and +dissuading him, than the very subjects of his severity have +commonly suffered by him. I know, ’tis charged upon +me, that I stirred him up to cruelty, to render him odious, and +to ingratiate myself to the people. But who was his +adviser, I pray ’e, in this butcherly proceeding against +me? Oh Lucifer, Lucifer! you know very well that ’tis +the practice of tyrants, when they do amiss <a +name="page243"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 243</span>themselves, +and set their people a-grumbling, to lay all the blame (and +punishment too) upon the instrument; and hang up the minister for +the master’s fault. ‘This is the end of all +favourites,’ cries one; ‘Not a halfpenny matter if +they were all served so,’ says another. And every +historian has his saying upon this catastrophe, and sets up a +buoy to warn after-ages of the rock of court favours. The +greatness of a favourite, I must confess, proclaims the greatness +of his maker; and the prince that maintains what he has once +raised does but justify the prudence of his own choice; and +whenever he comes to undo what he has done, publishes himself to +be light and unconstant, and does as good as declare himself +(even against himself) of the enemy’s party.”</p> +<p>Up stepped Plaintain then, (Severus his favourite) he that was +tossed out of a garret window to make the people sport. +“My condition in the world,” says he, “was +perfectly like that of a rocket or fire-work: I was carried up to +a prodigious height in a moment, and all people’s eyes were +upon me, as a star of the first magnitude; but my glory was very +short-lived, and down I fell into obscurity and +ashes.” After him, appeared a number of other <a +name="page244"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 244</span>favourites; +and all of them hearkening to Bellisarius the favourite of +Justinian, who, blind as he was, had already knocked twice with +his staff, and shaking his head, with a weak and complaining +voice, desired audience; which was at length granted him, silence +commanded; and he said, as follows.</p> +<p>“Princes,” said he, “before they destroy the +creatures they have raised and chosen, should do well to +consider, that cruelty and inconstancy is much a greater infamy +to a prince than the worst effects of it can be to a +favourite. For my own part, I served an emperor that was +both a Christian and a great lover and promoter of justice. +And yet, after all the services I had done him, in several +battles and adventures, (insomuch that he was effectually become +my debtor, for the very glory of his empire) my reward, in the +end, was to have my eyes put out, and (with a dog and a bell) to +be turned a-begging from door to door. Thus was that +Bellisarius treated, whose very name formerly was worth an army, +and he was the soul of his friends as well as the terror of his +enemies. But a prince’s favour is like +quick-silver—restless and slippery, never to be fixed, +never secured. Force it, and it spends itself in fumes; +sublime <a name="page245"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +245</span>it, and ’tis a mortal poison. Handle it +only, and it works itself into the very bones; and all that have +to do with it, live and die pale and trembling.”</p> +<p>At these words, the whole band of favourites, set up a hideous +and a heavy groan, trembling like aspen leaves, and at the same +time reciting several passages out of the Prophet Habbakuk, +against careless and wicked governors. By which +threatenings is given to understand, that the Almighty, when He +has a mind to destroy a wicked ruler, does not always punish one +potentate by another, and bring His ends about by a trial of +arms, or the event of a battle; but many times makes use of +things the most abject and vile, to confound the vanity and +arrogance of the mighty; and makes even worms, flies, +caterpillars, and lice to serve Him as the ministers of His +terrible justice; nay, the stone in the wall and the beam in the +house shall rise in judgment against them.</p> +<p>This discourse might have gone further, but that the company +presently parted, to know the meaning of a sudden noise and +clatter they heard, that half-deafened the auditory. And +what was it at last? but a scuffle between the Gown-men and the +Brothers of the Blade; and there were <a name="page246"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 246</span>persons of great honour and +learning, young and old, engaged in the fray; the men of war were +at it dashing with their swords, and the gentlemen of the long +robe, fencing, some with tostatus, others with huge pandects, +that with their old wainscot covers were as good as bucklers, and +would now and then give the foe a heavy rebuke, over and +above. The combat had certainly been very bloody, if one of +Lucifer’s constables had not commanded them in the +king’s name to keep the peace; which made it a drawn +battle. And with that, one of the combatants, with the best +face he had, said aloud, “If ye knew, gentlemen, either us, +or our quarrel, you’d say we had reason, and perhaps side +with us.” At that instant, there appeared Domitian, +Commodus, Caracalla, Phalaris, Heliogabalus, Alcetes, Andronicus, +Busiris, and old Oliver, with a world of great personages more; +which, when Lucifer saw, he disposed himself to treat that +majestical appearance, as much to their satisfaction as was +possible. And then came up a grave ancient man, with a +great train at his heels, that were all bloody, and full of the +marks they had received under the persecution of these +tyrants.</p> +<p>“You have here before ye,” quoth the <a +name="page247"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 247</span>old man, +“Solon; and these are the seven sages, native of Greece, +but renowned throughout the universe. He there in the +mortar is that Anaxarchus that was pounded to death by command of +Nicocreon. He with the flat nose is Socrates; the little +crump-shouldered wretch was the famous Aristotle; and +t’other there, the divine Plato. Those in the corner +are all of the same profession too, grave and learned +philosophers, that have displeased tyrants with their writings; +and, in fine, the world is stored with their works and hell with +the authors. To come to the point, most mighty Lucifer, we +are all of us dealers in politics, great writers and deep-read +men in the maxims of State and Government. We have digested +policy into a method, and laid down certain rules, by which +princes may make themselves great and beloved. We have +advised them impartially to administer justice; to reward virtue, +as well military as civil; to employ able men, banish flatterers; +to put men of wisdom and integrity in places of trust; to reward +or punish without passion, and according to the merits of the +cause, as God’s vice-gerents. And this now is our +offence. We name no body, we design no body; but ’tis +crime enough to wish <a name="page248"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 248</span>well to the way and to the lovers of +virtue.” With that, turning toward the tyrants. +“Oh most unjust princes,” said he, “those +glorious kings and emperors from whom we took the model of our +laws and instructions are now in a state of rest and comfort, +while you are tormented. Numa is now a star in the +firmament and Tarquin a fire-brand in hell. And the memory +of Augustus and Trajan is still fresh and fragrant, when the +names of Nero and Sardanapalus are more putrid and odious than +their bodies.”</p> +<p>When Dionysius the tyrant heard this, (with his companions +about him) flesh and blood could hold no longer; and he cried out +in a rage, “That roguy philosopher has told a thousand +lies. Legislators, with a pox? Yes, yes, they are +sweet legislators, and princes have many a fair obligation to +them. No, no, sirrah,” says he to Solon, “you +are all of you a company of quacks; ye prate and speculate of +things ye don’t understand; and with your damned moralities +set the people agog upon liberty, cry up the doctrine of +free-born subjects, and then our portion is persecution in one +world and infamy in t’other.”</p> +<p>“We shall have a fine time on’t, my most gracious +prince,” cried Julian the <a name="page249"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 249</span>apostate, staring Lucifer in the +face, “when these dunghill pedants, a company of +cock-brained, ridiculous, mortified, ill-bred, beggarly +tatterdemalions, shall come to erect a committee for politics, +and pass sentence upon governors and governments; stiling +themselves (forsooth) the supporters of both, without any more +skill than my horse in what belongs to either. Tell +me,” says he, “if a brave prince had not better be +damned than subject himself to hear one of these +turdy-facy-paty-nasty lowsie-fartical rascals, with a scabbed +head and a plantation of lice in his beard, and his eyes crept +into the nape of his neck, pronouncing, for an aphorism, that a +prince that looks only to one is a tyrant, and that a true king +is the shepherd and servant of his people. Ah, rash and +besotted coxcombs! If a king looks only to others, who +shall look to him? As if princes had not enemies enough +abroad, without being so to themselves too. But you may +write your hearts out, and never the nearer. Where’s +our sovereignty? if we have not our subjects’ lives and +estates at our mercy. And where’s our absolute power? +if we submit to the counsels of our vassals. If we have not +to satisfy our appetites, avarice and revenge, we want power to +discharge <a name="page250"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +250</span>the noblest ends of government. These +contemplative idiots would have us make choice of good officers, +to keep the bad in order; which were a madness, in our +condition. Let them be complaisant, and no matter for any +other merit or virtue. A parcel of good offices, handsomely +disposed among a pack of cheats and atheists, will make us a +party another day; whereas all is lost that’s bestowed upon +honest men, for they’re our enemies; speak truth then all +of ye, and shame the devil; for the butcher fats his sheep only +for the shambles.</p> +<p>“I have said enough, I suppose, to stop your mouths, but +here’s an orator will read you another-gates lecture of +politics than any you have had yet, if you’ll give him the +hearing. Photinus, advance,” said Julian, “and +speak your mind;” whereupon there appeared a brazen-faced +fellow, with a hanging look and twenty other marks of a desperate +villain who, with a hellish yell, and three or four wry mouths +for a prologue, brake into his discourse.</p> +<p>The wicked advice of one of Ptolomy’s courtiers, about +the killing of Pompey: taken out of Lucan’s +<i>Pharsalia</i>, Lib. 8.</p> +<p>“Methinks, under favour (most renowned <a +name="page251"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 251</span>Ptolomy) we +are now slipped into a debate, a little beside the +business. The question is whether Pompey should be +delivered up to Cæsar, or no. That is to say, whether +in reason of state it ought to be done; and we are formalising +the matter, whether in point of equity and justice it may be +done. Bodies politic have no souls, and never did any great +prince turn a council of state into a court of conscience, but he +repented it. Kingdoms are to be governed by politicians, +not by casuists; and there is nothing more contrary to the true +interest of crowns and empires, than in public cases to make a +scruple of private duties. The argument is this: Pompey is +in distress; and Ptolomy under an obligation, so that it were a +violation of faith and hospitality not to relieve him. Now +give me leave to reason in the other way. Pompey is +forsaken, and persecuted by the Gods; Cæsar upon the heels +of him, with victory and success. Shall Ptolomy now ruin +himself, to protect a fugitive, against both heaven and +Cæsar! I must confess, where honesty and profit are +both of a side, ’tis well; but, where they disagree, the +prince that does not quit his religion, for his convenience, +falls into a direct conspiracy against himself. <a +name="page252"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 252</span>He shall +lose the hearts of his soldiery, and the reputation of his +power. Whereas, on the contrary, the most hateful tyrant in +the world shall be able to keep his head above water, let him but +give a general licence to commit all sorts of wickedness; +you’ll say ’tis impious, but I say, what if it be? +who shall call you to account? These deliberations are only +for subjects that are under command, and not for sovereign +princes whose will is a law.”</p> +<blockquote><p> Exeat +Aulâ<br /> +Qui volet esse pius,</p> +<p>He was never cut out<br /> +For a Court, that’s devout.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>“In fine, since either Pompey or Ptolomy must suffer, I +am absolutely for the saving of Ptolomy, and the presenting of +Pompey’s head, without any more ado, to Cæsar. +A dead dog will never bite.”</p> +<p>Photinus had no sooner made an end, but Domitian appeared in a +monstrous rage, and lugging of poor Suetonius after him like a +bear to the stake. “There is not in nature,” +says he, “so damned a generation of scribbling rogues as +these historians. We can neither be quiet for them, living +nor dead: for they haunt <a name="page253"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 253</span>us in our very graves; and when they +have vented the humour and caprice of their own brains, that +forsooth must be called, The Life of such an Emperor. And, +for an instance, I’ll show ye what this impertinent +chronicler says of myself. ‘He had squandered away +his treasure,’ says he, ‘in expensive buildings, +comedies, and donatives to the soldiers.’</p> +<p>“Now would I fain know which way it could have been +better employed.</p> +<p>“In another place, he says, that ‘Domitian had +some thoughts of easing himself in his military charges, by +reducing the number; but that he durst not do, for fear some of +his neighbours should put an affront upon him. So that, to +lick himself whole, he fell to raking and scraping whatever he +could get, either from dead or living; and any rascal’s +testimony was proof enough for a confiscation: for there needed +no more to undo an honest man, than to tell a tale at court that +such a one had spoken ill of the prince.’</p> +<p>“Is this the way of treating majesty? what could this +impudent pedant have said worse, if he had been speaking of a +pick-pocket or a pirate? But princes and thieves are all +one to them.</p> +<p>“He says further, that ‘Domitian made <a +name="page254"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 254</span>seizure of +several estates, without any sort of right whatsoever; and there +went no more to his title than for a false witness to depose that +he heard the defunct declare, before he died, that he made +Cæsar his heir. He set such a tax upon the Jews, that +many of them denied their religion to avoid it; and I remember +that, when I was a young fellow, I saw an old man of fourscore +and ten taken upon suspicion by one of Domitian’s spies, +and turned up in a public assembly, to see if he were +circumcised.’</p> +<p>“Be ye now judges, gentlemen of the Black Guard, if this +be not a most intolerable indignity. Am I to answer for the +actions of my inferior officers? It amazes me that my +successors should ever endure these scandalous reports to be +published, especially against a prince that had laid out so much +money in repairing the libraries that were burnt.”</p> +<p>“It is very true,” said Suetonius in a doleful +tone, “and I have not forgotten to make mention of it to +your honour. But what will you say, if I show you, in a +warrant under your hand, this execrable and impious +blasphemy? It is the command of your Lord and God. +And in fine, if I speak nothing but truth, where’s your +cause of complaint? I have written <a +name="page255"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 255</span>the Lives +too of the great Julius Cæsar, and the divine Augustus, and +the world will not say but I have done them right. But for +yourself, and such as you, that are effectually but so many +incarnate and crowned plagues, what fault have I committed in +setting before your eyes those tyrannies, which heaven and earth +cannot but look upon with dread and horror?”</p> +<p>This discourse of Suetonius was interrupted by the babbler, or +Boutefeu, that rounded Lucifer in the ear, and told him, +“Look ye, sir,” says he, pointing with his finger, +“that limping devil there, that looks as if he were +surbated with beating the hoof, has been abroad in the world, +this twenty year, and is but just now come back +again.” “Come hither, sirrah,” cries +Lucifer; and so the poor cur went wriggling and glotting up +toward his prince. “You are a fine rogue to be sent +of an errand, are ye not?” says Lucifer, “to stay +twenty year out, and come back again e’en as wise as ye +went: what souls have ye brought now? or what news from +t’other world?” “Ha! your +highness,” quoth the devil, “has too much honour and +justice to condemn me unheard. Wherefore be pleased to +remember, that at my going out you gave me charge of a certain +merchant; <a name="page256"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +256</span>it cost me the first ten year of my time to make him a +thief, and ten more to keep him from turning honest again, and +restoring what he had stolen.” “A fine fetch +for a devil this, is it not?” cried Lucifer. +“But hell is no more the hell it was when I knew it first, +than chalk is cheese; and the devils nowadays are so damnedly +insipid and dry, they’re hardly worth the roasting. A +senseless puppy to come back to me with a story of +Waltham’s calf, that went nine mile to suck a bull. +But he’s not master of his trade yet.” And with +that Lucifer bade one of his officers take him away and put him +to school again; “for I perceive he’s a +rascal,” says he, “and he has e’en been roguing +at a play-house, when he should have been at church.” +In that instant, from behind a little hill, a great many men came +running as hard as they could drive after a company of women: the +men crying out, “Stop, stop,” and the women crying +for help. Lucifer commanded them all to be seized, and +asked what was the matter. “Alas, alas!” cried +one of the men, quite out of breath, “these carrions have +made us fathers, though we never had children.” +“Govern your tongue, sirrah,” cried a devil of +honour, out of respect to the ladies, “and speak <a +name="page257"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 257</span>truth: for +’tis utterly impossible you should be fathers without +children.” “Pardon me,” said the fellow, +“we were married men, and honest men and good +house-keepers, and have born offices in the parish, and have +children that call us fathers; but ’tis a strange thing, we +have been abroad some of us by the seven year together; others, +as long bed-rid; and so impotent, that the civilians would have +put us <i>inter frigidos et maleficiatos</i>: and yet our wives +have brought us every year a child, which we were such fools as +to keep and bring up, and give ourselves to the devil at last to +get them estates; out of a charitable persuasion (forsooth) they +might yet be our own, though for a twelve-month together +(perhaps) we never so much as examined whether our wives were +fish or flesh. But now since the mothers are dead, and the +children grown up, we have found the tools that made them. +One has the coachman’s nose, another the +gentleman-usher’s legs, a third a cousin-german’s +eyes. And some, we are to presume, conceived purely by +strength of imagination, or else by the ears like +weazels.”</p> +<p>Thereupon appeared a little remnant of a man, a dapper +Spaniard, with a kind of a besome-beard, and a voice not unlike +the <a name="page258"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +258</span>yapping of a foysting cur. As he came near the +company, he set up his throat, and called out, “Ah +jade!” says he, “I shall now take ye to task, ye +whore you, for making me father my negro’s bastard, and for +the estate I settled upon him. I did ever misdoubt foul +play, but should never have dreamt of that ugly toad, when there +was such choice of handsome, lusty young fellows about us; but it +may be she had them too. I cursed the monks many and many a +time, I remember, to the pit of hell, heaven forgive me +for’t; for the strumpet would be perpetually gadding +abroad, under colour of going to confession, and in sooth I was +never any great friend to penance and mortification. And +then would I be easing my mind ever and anon to this cursed +Moor. ‘I cannot imagine,’ said I, ‘where +this mistress of thine should commit all the sins that she goes +every hour of the day to confess at yonder +monastery.’ And then would this dog-Moor answer +me. ‘Alas, good lady! I would e’en venture my +soul with hers with all my heart; she spends all her time you see +in holy duties.’ I was at that time so innocent, that +I suspected nothing more than a pure respect and civility to my +wife; but I have learnt better since, and <a +name="page259"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 259</span>that +effectually his soul and hers were commonly ventured in the same +bottom; yes, and their bodies too, as I perceive by their magpie +issue, for the bastards take after both father and +mother.”</p> +<p>“So that at this rate,” cried the adopted fathers, +“the husband of a whore has a pleasant time +on’t. First, he’s subjected to all the pukings, +longings, and peevish importunities, that a breeding woman gives +those about her till she’s laid; and then comes the +squalling of the child, and the twittle-twattle-gossipings of the +nurse and midwife, that must be well treated too, well lodged, +and well paid. ‘A sweet baby,’ says one (to the +jade the mother on’t) ‘’tis e’en as like +the father as if he had spit it out on’s mouth; it has the +very lips, the very eyes of him,’ when ’tis no more +like him than an apple is like an oyster. And, in +conclusion, when we have borne all this, and twenty times more in +t’other world with a Christian patience, we are hurried +away to hell, and here we lie a company of damned cuckolds of us; +and here we are like to lie, for ought I see, in <i>sæcula +sæculorum</i>: which is very hard, and in truth out of all +reason.”</p> +<p>I cut this visit short, to see what news in a deep vault near +at hand, where we <a name="page260"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +260</span>heard a great bustle and contest betwixt divers souls +and the devils. There were the presumptuous, the +revengeful, and the envious, gaping and crying out as they would +break their hearts. “Oh, that I could but be born +again!” says one; “Oh, that I might back into the +world again!” says another; “Oh, that I were but to +die once more!” cries a third. Insomuch that they put +the devils out of all patience, with their impertinent and +unprofitable wishes and exclamations. “Hang +yourselves,” cried they, “for a pack of cozening, +bawling rascals: you live again? and be born again? and what if +you might do’t a thousand times over? You would only +die at last a thousand times greater villains than now you are, +and there would be no clearing hell of you with a dog-whip. +However, to try you and make you know yourselves, we have +commission to let you live again and return. Up then ye +varlets, go, be born again; get ye into the world again. +Away,” cried the devils, with a lusty lash at every word, +and thrust hard to have got them out. But the poor rogues +hung an arse, and were struck with such a terror, to hear of +living again, and returning, that they slunk into a corner, and +lay as quiet upon’t, as lambs.</p> +<p><a name="page261"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 261</span>At +length, one of the company that seemed to have somewhat more +brain and resolution than his fellows, entered very gravely upon +the debate, whether they should go out or no. “If I +should now,” says he, “at my second birth, come into +the world a bastard, the shame would be mine, though my parents +committed the fault; and I should carry the scandal and the +infamy of it to my grave. Now put case, my mother should be +honest, (for that’s not impossible) and that I came into +the world, legitimate; how many follies, vices, and diseases are +there that run in a blood! Who knows, but I should be mad, +or simple? swear, lie, cheat, whore; nay if I came off, with a +little mortification of my carcase, as the stone, the scurvy, or +the noble pox, I were a happy man. But oh the lodging, the +diet, and the cookery that I am to expect for a matter of nine +months in my mother’s belly; and then the butter and beer +that must be spent to sweeten me, when I change my quarter. +I must come crying into the world, and live in ignorance even of +what life is till I die; and then as ignorant of death too, till +’tis passed. I fancy my swaddling-clouts and blankets +to be worse than my winding-sheet; my cradle represents my +tomb. And then who <a name="page262"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 262</span>knows, whether my nurse shall be +found, or no? She’ll over-lay me perhaps; leave me +some four and twenty hours, it may be, without clean clouts, and +a pin or two all the while, perchance, up to the hilts in my +backside. And then follows breeding of teeth, and worms; +with all the gripes and disorders that are caused by unwholesome +milk. These miseries are certain, and why should I run them +over again?</p> +<p>“If it happen that I pass the state of infancy, without +the pox or measles, I must be then packed away to school, to get +the itch, a scaled head, or a pair of kibed heels. In +winter, ’tis ten to one you find me with a snotty nose, and +perpetually under the lash, if I either miss my lesson or go late +to school. So that hang him, for my part, that would be +born again, for any thing I see yet.</p> +<p>“When I come up toward man, the women will have me as +sure as a gun, for they have a thousand ginnes and devices to +catch wood-cocks; and if ever I come to set eye upon a lass that +understands dress and raillery, I’m gone, if there were no +more lads in Christendom. But, for my part, I am as sick as +a dog, of powdering, curling, and playing the ladybird. I +would not for all the world be in <a name="page263"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 263</span>the shoemaker’s stocks, and +choke myself over again in a straight doublet, only to have the +ladies say, ‘Look, what a delicate shape and foot that +gentleman has.’ And I would take as little pleasure +to spend six hours, of the four and twenty, in picking grey hairs +out of my head or beard, or turning white into black. To +stand half ravished in the contemplation of my own shadow; to +dress fine, and go to church only to see handsome ladies; to +correct the midnight air with ardent sighs and ejaculations; and +to keep company with owls and bats, like a bird of evil omen; to +walk the round of a mistress’ lodging, and play at bo-peep +at the corner of every street; to adore her imperfections, (or as +the song says, — for her ugliness, and for her want of +coin); to make bracelets of her locks, and truck a pearl necklace +for a shoestring. At this rate, I say, cursed again and +again be he, for my part, that would live over again so wretched +a life.</p> +<p>“Being come now to write full man, if I have an estate +how many cares, suits, and wrangles go along with it! If I +have none, what murmuring and regret at my misfortunes! By +this time, the sins of my youth are gotten into my bones; I grow +sour and melancholy; nothing pleases <a name="page264"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 264</span>me; I curse old age to ten thousand +devils; and the youth which I can never recover in my veins, I +endeavour to fetch out of the barbers’ shops, from +perruques, razors, and patches, to conceal, or at least disguise +all the marks and evidences of Nature in her decay. Nay, +when I shall have never an eye to see with nor a tooth left in my +head, gouty legs, wind-mills in my crown, my nose running like a +tap, and gravel in my reins by the bushel, then must I make oath +that all this is nothing but mere accident, gotten by lying in +the field, or the like, and out-face the truth in the very teeth +of so many undeniable witnesses. There is no plague +comparable to this hypocrisy of the members. To have an old +fop shake his heels, when he’s ready to fall to pieces; and +cry, these legs would make a shift yet to play with the best legs +in the company; and then, with a lusty thump on’s breast, +fetch ye up a hem, and cry, ‘Sound at heart, boy,’ +and a thousand other fooleries of the like nature. But all +this is nothing to the misery of an old fellow in love, +especially if he be put to gallant it against a company of young +gamesters. Oh the inward shame and vexation, to see himself +scarce so much as neglected. It happens sometimes that <a +name="page265"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 265</span>a jolly +lady, for want of better entertainment, may content herself with +one of these reverend fornicators, instead of a whetstone; but +alack, alack! the poor man is weak though willing; and after a +whole night spent in cold and frivolous pretences and excuses, +away he goes with torments of rage and confusion about him, not +to be expressed; and many a heavy curse is sent after him for +keeping a poor lady from her natural rest to so little +purpose. How often must I be put to the blush too, when +every old toast shall be calling me old acquaintance, and telling +me, ‘Oh sir, ’tis many a fair day since you and I +knew one another first. I think ’twas in the four and +thirtieth of the Queen, that we were school-fellows. How +the world’s altered since!’ etc. And then must +my head be turned to a <i>memento mori</i>; my flesh dissolved +into rheums; my skin withered and wrinkled; with a staff in my +hand, knocking the earth at every trembling step, as if I called +upon my grave to receive me; walking, like a moving phantosme; my +life little more than a dream; my reins and bladder turned into a +perfect quarry; and the urinal or pisspot my whole study. +My next heir watching, every minute, for the long-looked-for and +happy hour of my <a name="page266"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +266</span>departure; and in the meantime, I’m become the +physician’s revenue, and the surgeon’s practice, with +an apothecary’s shop in my guts; and every old jade calling +me grandsire. No, no; I’ll no more living again, I +thank ye: one hell rather than two mothers.</p> +<p>“Let us now consider the comforts of life, the humours +and the manners. He that would be rich must play the thief +or the cheat; he that would rise in the world must turn parasite, +informer, or projecter. He that marries ventures fair for +the horn, either before or after. There is no valour +without swearing, quarrelling, or hectoring. If ye are +poor, nobody owns ye. If rich, you’ll know +nobody. If you die young, ‘What pity it was,’ +they’ll say, ‘that he should be cut off thus in his +prime.’ If old, ‘He was e’en past his +best; there’s no great miss of him.’ If you are +religious, and frequent the church and the sacrament, +you’re an hypocrite; and without this, you’re an +atheist or an heretic. If you are gay and pleasant, you +pass presently for a buffoon; and if pensive and reserved, you +are taken to be sour and censorious. Courtesy is called +colloguing and currying of favour; downright honesty and +plain-dealing is interpreted to be <a name="page267"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 267</span>pride and ill manners. This is +the world; and for all that’s in’t I would not have +it to go over again. If any of ye, my masters,” said +he to his camerades, “be of another opinion, hold up your +hands.” “No, no,” they cried all +unanimously, “no more generation-work, I beseech ye; better +the devils than the midwives.”</p> +<p>After this came a testator, cursing and raving like a bedlam, +that he had made his last will and testament. “Ah +villein!” said he, “for a man to murder himself as I +have done! If I had not sealed, I had not died. Of +all things, next a physician, deliver me from a testament. +It has killed more than the pestilence. Oh miserable +mortals, let the living take warning by the dead, and make no +testaments. It was my hard luck, first to put my life into +the physician’s power, and then, by making my will, to sign +the sentence of death upon myself, and my own execution. +‘Put your soul and your estate in order,’ says the +doctor, ‘for there’s no hope of life;’ and the +word was no sooner out, but I was so wise and devout (forsooth) +as to fall immediately upon the prologue of my will, with an +<i>In nomine Domini</i>, Amen, etc. And when I came to +dispose of my goods and chattels <a name="page268"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 268</span>I pronounced these bloody words (I +would I had been tongue-tied when I did it), ‘I make and +constitute my son, my sole executor. <i>Item</i>, to my +dear wife, I give and bequeath all my plays and romances, and all +the furniture in the rooms upon the second storey. To my +very good friend T. B. my large tankard, for a remembrance. +To my foot-boy Robin, five pound to bind him prentice. To +Betty, that tended me in my sickness, my little caudle-cup. +To Mr. Doctor, my fair table diamond, for his care of me in my +illness.’ After signing, and sealing, the ink was +scarce dry upon the paper, but methought the earth opened as if +it had been hungry to devour me. My son and my legatees +were presently casting it up, how many hours I might yet hold +out. If I called for the cordial julep, or a little of Dr. +Gilbert’s water, my son was taking possession of my estate, +my wife so busy about the beds and hangings that she could not +intend it. The boy and the wench could understand nothing +but about their legacies. My very good friend’s mind +was wholly upon his tankard. My kind Dr. I must confess +took occasion, now and then, to handle my pulse, and see whether +the diamond were of the <a name="page269"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 269</span>right black water, or no. If I +asked him what I might eat, his answer was, ‘Anything, +anything, e’en what you please yourself.’ At +every groan I fetched, they were calling for their legacies, +which they could not have till I was dead.</p> +<p>“But if I were to begin the world again, I think I +should make another kind of testament. I would say: +‘A curse upon him that shall have my estate when I am dead, +and may the first bit of bread he eats out on’t choke +him. The devil in hell take what I cannot carry away, and +him too, that straggles for’t, if he can catch him. +If I die, let my boy Robin have the strappado, three hours a day, +to be duly paid him during life. Let my wife die of the +pip, or the mother (not a halfpenny matter which), but let her +first live long enough to plague the damned doctor, and indite +him for poisoning her poor husband.’ To speak +sincerely, I can never forgive that dog-leech. Was it not +enough to make me sick when I was well, without making me dead +when I was sick? And not to rest there neither, but to +persecute me in my grave too. But, to say the truth, this +is only neighbours’ fare; for all those fools that trust in +them are served with the same sauce. A vomit or <a +name="page270"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 270</span>a purge is +as good a passport into the other world as a man would +wish. And then, when our heads are laid, ’tis never +to be endured the scandals they cast upon our bodies and +memories! ‘Heaven rest his soul,’ cries one, +‘he killed himself with a debauch.’ ‘How +is’t possible,’ says another, ‘to cure a man +that keeps no diet?’ ‘He was a madman,’ +cries a third, ‘a mere sot, and would not be governed by +his physician. His body was as rotten as a pear, he had as +many diseases as a horse, and it was not in the power of man to +save him. And truly ’twas well that his hour was +come, for he had better a great deal die well than live on as he +did.’ Thieves and murtherers that ye are, you +yourselves are that hour ye talk of. The physician is only +death in a disguise, and brings his patient’s hour along +with him. Cruel people! Is it not enough to take away +a man’s life, and like common hangmen to be paid +for’t when ye have done, but you must blast the honour too +of those you have dispatched, to excuse your ignorance? Let +but the living follow my counsel, and write their testaments +after this copy, they shall live long and happily, and not go out +of the world at last like a rat with a <a +name="page271"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 271</span>straw in +his arse (as a learned author has it) or be cut off in the flower +of their days, by these counterfeit doctors of the faculty of the +close-stool.”</p> +<p>The dead man plied his discourse with so much gravity and +earnestness, that Lucifer began to believe what he said. +But because all truths are not to be spoken, especially among the +devils, where hardly any are admitted; and for fear of mischief, +if the doctors should come to hear what had been said, Lucifer +presently ordered the fellow to be gagged, or put in security for +his good behaviour.</p> +<p>His mouth was no sooner stopped but another was opened; and +one of the damned came running cross the company, and so up and +down, back and forward (like a cur that had lost his master) +bawling as if he had been out of his wits, and crying out, +“Oh! where am I? Where am I? I am abused, I am +choused; what’s the meaning of all this? Here are +damning devils, tempting devils, and tormenting devils, but the +devil a devil can I find of the devils that brought me hither; +they have gotten away my devils; where are they? Give me my +devils again.”</p> +<p>It might well make the company stare, <a +name="page272"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 272</span>to see a +fellow hunting for devils in hell, where they swarm in +legions. But as he was in this hurry, a gouvernante caught +him by the arm, and gave him a half turn and stopped him. +“Old lucky-bird,” says she, “if thou wantest +devils here, where dost expect to find them?” He knew +her as soon as he saw her. And “Art thou here old +Beelzebub in a petticoat?” said he, “the very picture +of Satan, the coupler of male and female, the buckle and thong of +lechery, the multiplier of sin and the guide of sinners, the +seasoner of rotten mutton, the interpretress betwixt whores and +knaves, the preface to the remedy of love, and the prologue to +the critical minute. Speak, and without more ado, tell me, +where are the devils and their dams that brought me hither? +These are none of them. No, no; I am not such an awfe as to +be trepanned and spirited away by devils with tails, horns, +bristles, wings, that smell as if they had been smoked in a +chimney-corner. The devils that I look for are worse than +these. Where are the mothers that play the bawds to their +own daughters? and the aunts that do as much for their nieces, +and make them caper and sparkle like wild-fire? The +black-eyed girls that carry fire in their eyes, and <a +name="page273"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 273</span>strike as +sure as a lance from the rest of a cavalier? Where are the +flatterers that speak nothing but pleasing things? The +make-bates and incendiaries, that are the very canker of human +society? Where are the story-mongers? The masters of +the faculty of lying? that report more than they hear, affirm +more than they know, and swear more than they believe. +Those slanderous backbiters, that like vultures prey only upon +carrion? Where are the hypocrites that turn devotion into +interest, and make a revenue of a commandment? That pretend +ecstasy when they are drunk, and utter the fumes and dreams of +their luxury and tipple for revelations? That make chapels +of their parlours, preachments of their ordinary entertainments, +and everything they do is a miracle. They can divine all +that’s told them, and raise people to life again; that +counterfeit sick, when they should work, and give an honest man +to the devil with a <i>Deo gratias</i>. These are the +devils I would be at; these are they that have damned me; look +them out, and find them for me, ye impudent hag, or I shall be so +bold as to search your French hood for them.” And +with that word he fell on upon the poor gouvernante, tore off her +head-gear, <a name="page274"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +274</span>and laid about him so furiously that there would have +been no getting him off, if Lucifer had not made use of his +absolute authority to quiet him.</p> +<p>Immediately upon the composing of this fray we heard the +shooting of bars and bolts, the opening of doors and hinges that +creaked for want of grease, and a strange humming of a great +number of people. The first that appeared were a company of +bold, talkative, and painted old women; but as bonny and +gamesome, tickling and toying with one another, as if they had +never seen thirteen; and carrying it out with an air of much +satisfaction and content. The babbler was somewhat +scandalised at their behaviour, and told them how ill they did to +be merry in hell; and several others admired it as much, and +asked them the reason of it, considering their condition. +With that one of the gang, that was wretchedly thin and pale, and +raised upon a pair of heels that made her legs longer than her +body, told Lucifer, with great respect, that at their first +coming they were as sad as it was possible for a company of +damned old jades to be. “But,” says she, +“we were a little comforted when we heard of no other +punishments here, than weeping and gnashing of <a +name="page275"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 275</span>teeth, and +in some hope to come off upon reasonable terms; for we have not +among us all so much as a drop of moisture in our bodies, nor a +tooth in our heads.” “Search them +presently,” cried the intermeddler, “squeeze the +balls of their eyes, and let their gums be examined, you’ll +find snags, stumps, or roots; or enough of somewhat or other +there to spoil the jest.” Upon the scrutiny they were +found so dry that they were good for nothing in the world but to +serve for tinder or matches, and so they were disposed of into +the devils’ tinder-boxes.</p> +<p>While they were casing up the old women there came on a number +of people of several sorts and qualities, that called out to the +first they saw, “Pray’e gentlemen,” said they, +“before we go any further, will ye direct us to the court +of rewards?” “How’s that,” cried +one of the company, “I was afraid we had been in hell, but +since you talk of rewards I hope ’tis but +purgatory.” “Good, good,” said the whole +multitude, “you’ll quickly find where you +are.” “Purgatory!” cried the +intermeddler, “you have left that up the hill there, upon +the right hand. This is hell, and a place of punishment; +here’s no registry of rewards.” “Then we +are <a name="page276"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +276</span>mistaken,” said he that spake first. +“How so?” cried the intermeddler. “You +shall hear,” said the other, “we were in the Other +world entitled to the order of the squires of the pad, and +borrowed now and then a small sum upon the King’s highway; +we understood somewhat too of the cross-bite and the use of the +frail dye. Some of our conscientious and charitable friends +would fain have drawn us off from the course we were in, and, to +give them their due, bestowed a great deal of good counsel upon +us to very little purpose; for we were in a pretty way of +thriving, and had gotten a habit and could not leave it. We +asked them, ‘What would you have us do? Money we have +none, and without it there’s no living; should we stay till +it were brought, or came alone? How would ye have a poor +<i>individuum vagum</i> to live? that has neither estate, office, +master, nor friend to maintain him, and is quite out of his +element unless he be either in a tavern, a bawdy-house, or a +gaming ordinary. Now, that’s the man that Providence +has appointed to live by his wits.’ Our advisers saw +there was no good to be done, and went their way, telling us that +in the other world we should meet with our reward.</p> +<p><a name="page277"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +277</span>“They would tell us some time, how base a thing +it was to defame the house and abuse the bed of a friend. +Our answer was ready, ‘Well! and had we not better do it +there where the house is open to us, the master and lady kind, +the occasion fair and easy, than to run a caterwauling into a +family where every servant in the house is a spy, and (perhaps) a +fellow behind every door in the house with a dagger or pistol in +his hand to entertain us.’ Upon this, our grave +counsellors finding us so resolute, e’en gave us over, and +told us as before, that in the other world we should meet with +our reward. Now taking this to be the other world these +honest men told us of, we are inquiring after the rewards they +promised us.”</p> +<p>“Abominable scoundrels!” said an officer of +justice, there at hand, “how many of your reprobated +companions have squandered away their fortunes upon whores and +dice, exposing not only their wives and children but many a noble +family to a shameful and irreparable ruin; and let any man put in +a word of wholesome advice, their answer is, ‘Tush, tush; +our wives and children are in the hands of Providence; and let +Him provide for the <a name="page278"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 278</span>rooks, that feeds the +ravens.’ Then was it told ye, you should find your +reward in the other world; and the time is now come wherein ye +shall receive it; up, up then, ye cursed spirits, and away with +them.” At which word a legion of devils fell on upon +the miserable caitiffs, with whips and firebrands, and gave them +their long-expected reward; and at every lash a voice was heard +to say, “In the other world you shall receive your +reward;” these wretches, in the meanwhile, damning and +sinking themselves to the pit of hell, still, as if they had been +upon earth, and vomiting their customary and execrable +blasphemies.</p> +<p>Just as this storm blew over there drew near a multitude of +bailiffs, sergeants, Catchpoles, and other officers of prey, with +the thieves’ devil, bound hand and foot, and a foul +accusation against him. Whereupon Lucifer, with a fell +countenance, took his seat in a flaming chair, and called his +officers about him. So soon as the prince had taken his +place, a certain officer began his report. “Here is +before thee,” quoth he, “a devil, most mighty +Lucifer, that stands charged with ignorance in his trade; and the +shame of his quality and profession, instead of damning men, he +has made it his <a name="page279"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +279</span>business to save them.” The word save put +the court in such a rage, that they bit their lips till the blood +started and the fire sparkled at their eyes; and Lucifer, turning +about to his attorney, “Who would ever have +imagined,” said he, “that so treacherous a rascal +could have been harboured in my dominions?” “It +is most certain, my gracious lord,” replied the attorney, +“that this devil has been very diligent in drawing people +into thefts and pilferies, and then, when they come to be +discovered, they are clapped up and hanged, or some mischief or +other. But still, before execution, the ordinary calls them +to shrift; and many times the toy takes them in the head to +confess and repent, and so they are saved. Now this silly +devil thinks, that when he has brought them to steal, murder, +coin, and the like, he has done his part, and so he leaves them; +whereas he should stick close to them in the prison, and be +tempting of them to despair and make away themselves. But +when they are once left to the priest, he commonly brings them to +a sight of their sins, and they ’scape. Now this +simple devil was not aware, it seems, that many a soul goes to +heaven from the gallows, the wheel, and the faggot: and this +failing has lost your <a name="page280"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 280</span>Highness many a fair +purchase.” “Here’s enough,” cried +the president, “and there needs no more charge against +him.” The poor devil thought it was high time to +speak now, when they were just upon the point of passing his +sentence; and so he cried out, “My lord,” said he, +“I beseech you hear me; for though they say the devil is +dead, it is not meant of your greatness.” So there +was a general silence, and thus he proceeded.</p> +<p>“I cannot deny, my lord, but Tyburn is the way to +paradise, and many a man goes to heaven from the gallows. +But if you will set those that are damned for condemning others, +against those that are saved from the gallows, hell will be found +no loser by me at the foot of the account. How many +marshal’s-men, turn-keys, and keepers have I sent ye for +letting a coiner give them the slip now and then, with his false +money (always provided they leave better money instead +on’t). How many false witnesses and knights of the +post, that would set their consciences like clocks to go faster +or slower, according as they had more or less weight, and swear +<i>ex tempore</i>, at all rates and prices! How many +solicitors, attorneys, and clerks, that would draw ye up a +declaration or an indictment, so slyly, that <a +name="page281"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 281</span>I myself +could hardly discover any error in’t; and yet, when it came +to the test, it was as plain as the nose on a man’s face +(that is to say again, provided they were well paid for the +fashion). How many jailers that would wink at an escape for +a lusty bribe! And how many attorneys that would give ye +dispatch or delay thereafter, as they were greased! Now, +after all this, what does it signify, if one thief of a thousand +comes to the gallows? he only suffers because he was poor, that +there may be the better trading for the rich, and without any +design in the world to suppress stealing. Nay, it often +falls out, that they that bring the malefactor to the gibbet are +the worse criminals of the two. But they are never looked +after; or, if they should be, they have tricks and fetches enough +to bring themselves off; so that it fares in this case, as it did +with him that had his house troubled with rats, and would needs +take in a company of cats to destroy them: the rats would be +nibbling at his cheese, his bacon, a crust of bread, and now and +then a candle’s end; but when the cats came, down went a +milk-bowl, away goes a brace of partridges or a couple of +pigeons, and the poor man must content himself to go supperless +to bed. In the conclusion, the rats were troublesome, <a +name="page282"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 282</span>but the +cats were intolerable. And then there’s this +in’t: Suppose one poor fellow hangs and goes to heaven: I +do but give him in truck for two hundred, at least, that deserve +to be hanged but ’scape and go to hell at last. +Beside, a thief upon a gibbet is as good as a roasted dog in a +pigeon house; for ye shall immediately have two or three thousand +witches about him, for snips of his halter, an eye-tooth, or a +collop of his fat, which is of sovereign use in many of their +charms. But, in fine, let me do what I will my services are +not understood. My successor, it may be, will discharge his +duty better, and indeed I am very well content to lay down my +commission; for (to say the truth) I am in years, and would +gladly have a little rest now, in my old age, which I rather +propose to myself in the service of some pretender than where I +am.”</p> +<p>Lucifer heard him with great patience, and, in the end, gave +him all the satisfaction imaginable; strictly charging the evil +spirits that had abused him to do so no more, upon hazard of +pains corporal and spiritual; and they desired him, too, that he +would not lay down his employment, for he was strong enough yet +to do very good service in it. But to think of easing +himself, <a name="page283"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +283</span>by going to a pretender, he’d find himself +mistaken, for ’twas a duty he’d never be able to +endure. “Well!” says he, “e’en what +your Highness pleases. But truly I thought a devil might +have lived very comfortably in that condition; for he has no more +to do, that I can see, than to keep his ears open, and learn his +trade. For put case it should be some pretender to a good +office, or a fat bishopric (though the fathers and councils are +against pretenders in this case) I fancy to myself all the +pleasure and divertisement that may be. It is as good as +going to school, for these people teach the devils their A B +C. And all that we have to do is to sit still and +learn.”</p> +<p>The vision that followed this was the dæmon of tobacco, +which I must confess did not a little surprise me. I have +indeed often said to myself, “Certainly these smokers are +possessed;” but I could never swear it till now. +“I have,” said the devil, “by bringing this +weed into Spain, revenged the Indians upon the Spaniards for all +the massacres and butcheries they committed there, and done them +more mischief than ever Colon, Cortes, Almero, Pizarro did in the +Indies: by how much it is more honourable to die upon a +sword’s point <a name="page284"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 284</span>by gunshot, or at the mouth of a +cannon, than for a man to snivel and sneeze himself into another +world; or to go away in a meagrim or a spotted fever, perchance, +which is the ordinary effect of this poisonous tobacco. It +is with tobacconists as ’tis with demoniacs under an +exorcism, they fume and vapour, but the devil sticks to them +still. Many there are that make a very idol of it; they +admire, they adore it, tempting and persecuting all people to +take it, and the bare mention of it puts them into an +ecstasy. In the smoke it is a probation for hell, where +another day they must endure smoking; taken in powder, at the +nose, it draws upon youth the incommodities of old age, in the +perpetual annoyance of rheum and drivel.”</p> +<p>The devil of subornation came next, which was a +good-complexioned and a well-timbered devil, to my great +amazement I must acknowledge, for I had never seen any devils +till now but what were extreme ugly. The air of his face +was so familiar to me that methought I had seen it in a thousand +several places; sometime under a veil, sometime open; now under +one shape and then under another. One while he called +himself child’s-play; another while, kind entertainment; +here, payment; <a name="page285"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +285</span>there, restitution; and, in a third place, alms: but, +in fine, I could never learn his right name. I remember in +some places I have heard him called inheritance, profit, good +cheap, patrimony, gratitude. Here he was called doctor; +there, bachelor. With the lawyers, solicitors, and +attorneys, he passed under the name of right; and the confessors +called him charity.</p> +<p>He was well accompanied, and styled himself Satan’s +lieutenant; but there was a devil of consequence that opposed +him, might and main, and made this proclamation of himself. +“Be it known,” says he, “that I am the great +embroiler and politic entangler of affairs. The deluder of +princes, the pretext of the unworthy, and the excuse of +tyrants. I can make black, white; and give what colour I +please to the foulest actions in nature. If I had a mind to +overturn the world, and put all in a general confusion, I could +do it; for I have it in my power to banish order and reason out +of it; to turn sauciness and importunity into merit, example into +necessity; to give law to success, authority to infamy, and +credit to insolence. I have the tongues of all counsellors +at my girdle, and they shall speak neither more nor less than +just as I please. In short, that’s easy to me which +<a name="page286"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 286</span>others +account impossible, and while I live ye need never fear either +virtue, justice, or good government in the world. This +devil of subornation, that talks of his lieutenancy, what could +he ever have done without me? He’s a rascal that no +person of quality would admit into his company, if I did not fit +him with vizors and disguises. Let him hold his tongue +then, and know himself; and let me hear no more of those disputes +about the lieutenancy of hell, for I have Lucifer’s broad +seal to show for my title to’t.”</p> +<p>“For my part,” cried another mutinous spirit, +“I am one of those humble-minded devils that can content +myself to hold the door, upon a good occasion; or knock under the +table, and play at small game rather than stand out. But +few words among friends are best, and when I have spoken three or +four, let him come up that lists. I am then,” says +he, “the devil interpreter, and my business is to gloss +upon the text; in which case, the cuckolds are exceedingly +beholden to me; for I have much to say for the honour of the +horn. How should a poor fellow that has a handsome wench to +his wife, and never a penny to live on, hold up his head in the +world, if it were not for that quality? I have a <a +name="page287"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 287</span>pretty +faculty in doing good offices for distressed ladies, at a time of +need; and I make the whole sex sensible how great a folly and +madness it is to neglect those sweet opportunities. Among +other secrets, I have found out a way to establish an office for +thievery, where the officers shall be thieves and justify it when +they have done.” Here he stopped.</p> +<p>There was a short silence, and then there appeared another +devil of about a foot and a half long. “I am,” +says he, “a devil but of a small size, and perhaps one of +the least in hell; and yet the door opens to me as well as to +another, for I never come empty handed.” “Why, +what have you brought them?” says the intermeddler, and +came up to him, “What have I brought?” quoth he, +“I have brought an eternal talker and a finical flatterer; +they are two pieces that were in high esteem in the cabinets of +two great princes, and I have brought them for a present to +Lucifer.” With that, Lucifer cast his eye upon them, +and with a damned-verjuice-face, as if he had bitten a crab, +“You do well,” says he, “to say ye had them at +court; and I think you should do well to carry them thither +again; for I had as lief have their room as their +company.”</p> +<p><a name="page288"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 288</span>After +him followed another dwarf devil, complaining that he had been a +matter of six years about so infamous a rascal, that there was no +good to be done with him, for the bad as well as the better sort +were scandalised at his conversation. “A mighty piece +of business,” cried the gouvernante. “And could +you not have gotten him a handsome office or employment? +That would have made him good for something, and you might have +done his business.”</p> +<p>In the meantime the babbler went whispering up and down and +finding faults, till at length he came to a huge bundle of +sleeping devils in a corner, that were fagotted up, and all +mouldy and full of cobwebs, which he immediately gave notice of, +and they cut the band to give them air. With much ado they +waked them, and asked what devils they were, what they did there, +and why they were not upon duty. They fell a-yawning, and +said that they were the devils of luxury: “But since the +women have taken a fancy to prefer guinies and jacobusses before +their modesty and honour, there has been no need of a devil in +the case to tempt them; for ’tis but showing them the merry +spankers, they’ll dare like larks, and fall down before ye, +and then ye may e’en do what you will <a +name="page289"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 289</span>with them, +and take them up in a purse-net. Gold supplies all +imperfections; it makes an angel of a crocodile, turns a fool +into a philosopher, and a dressing-box well lined is worth twenty +thousand devils. So that there is no temptation like a +present; and take them from top to bottom, the whole race of +woman is frail, and one thread of pearl will do more with them +than a million of fine stories.”</p> +<p>Just as this devil made an end we heard another snorting; and +’twas well he did so, for we had trod upon his belly +else. He was laid hold of, upon suspicion that he slept +dog-sleep, or rather the sleep of a contented cuckold, that would +spoil no sport where he made none. “I am,” says +he, “the nuns’ devil, and for want of other +employment I have been three days asleep here as you found +me. My mistresses are now choosing an abbess, and always +when they are at that work I make holiday: for they are all +devils themselves then; there is such canvassing, flattering, +importuning, cajoling, making of parties; and in a word so +general a confusion, that a devil among them would do more hurt +than good. Nay, the ambitious make it a point of honour +upon such an occasion, to show that they can out-wit the +devils. And if <a name="page290"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 290</span>ever hell should be in danger of a +peace, it is my advice that you presently call in a convention of +nuns to the election of an abbess, which would most certainly +reduce it to its ancient state of sedition, mutiny, and +confusion, and bring us all in effect to such a pass that we +should hardly know one another.”</p> +<p>Lucifer was very well pleased with the advice, and ordered it +to be entered upon the register, as a sure expedient to suppress +any disorders that might happen for the future to the disturbance +of his government: after which he commanded the issuing out of a +summons to all his companies and livery-men, who forthwith +appeared in prodigious multitudes; and Lucifer with a hideous +yell delivered himself most graciously as follows.</p> +<h3>THE DECREE OF LUCIFER</h3> +<p>“To our trusty and despairing legions, and well-beloved +subjects, lying under the condemnation of perpetual darkness, +that lived pensioners to sin, and had death for their pay-master, +greeting. This is to let you understand, that there are two +devils, who pretend a claim to the honour <a +name="page291"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 291</span>of our +lieutenancy; but we have absolutely refused to gratify either the +one or the other, in that point, out of a singular affection and +respect to our right trusty and well-beloved cousin, a certain +she-devil that deserves it before all others.”</p> +<p>At this the whole assembly fell to whispering and muttering, +and staring one upon another, till at last Lucifer observing it +bade them never trouble themselves to guess who it might be, but +fetch good fortune to him, known otherwise by the name of Madam +Prosperity, who presently appeared in the tail of the assembly, +and with a proud and disdainful air marched up and planted +herself before the degraded seraphim, who looked her wistly in +the face, and then he on in the tone he first began.</p> +<p>“It is our will, pleasure, and command, that next and +immediately under our proper person, you pay all honour and +respect to the Lady Prosperity, and obey her, as the most mighty +and supreme governess of these our dominions. Which titles +and qualities we have conferred upon her, as due to her merit; +for she hath damned more souls than all you together. She +it is that makes men cast off all fear of God and love of their +neighbour. She it is <a name="page292"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 292</span>that makes men place their sovereign +good in riches; that engages and entangles men’s minds in +vanity; strikes them blind in their pleasures; loads them with +treasure, and buries them in sin. Where’s the tragedy +that she has not played her part in’t? Where’s +the stability and wisdom that she has not staggered? +Where’s the folly that she has not improved and +augmented? She takes no counsel and fears no +punishment. She it is that furnishes matter for scandal, +experience for story, that entertains the cruelty of tyrants, and +bathes the executioners in innocent blood. How many souls +that lived innocent, while they were poor, have fallen into +impiety and reprobation, so soon as ever they came to drink of +the enchanted cup of prosperity! Go to then, be obedient to +her, we charge ye all, as to ourself; and know, that they that +stand their ground against prosperity are none of your +quarry. Let them e’en alone, for ’tis but time +lost to attempt them. Take example from that impertinent +devil, that got leave to tempt Job; he persecuted him, beggared +him, covered him all over with scabs and ulcers. Sot that +he was! if he had understood his business, he would have gone +another way to work, and begged leave to have multiplied <a +name="page293"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 293</span>riches upon +him, and to have possessed him of health and pleasures. +That’s the trial; and how many are there that when they +thrive in the world turn their backs upon Heaven, and never so +much as name their Creator, but in oaths, and then too, without +thinking on Him? Their discourse is all of jollities, +banquets, comedies, purchases, and the like. Whereas the +poor man has God perpetually both in his mouth and heart. +‘Lord,’ says he, ‘be mindful of me, and have +mercy upon me, for all my trust is in Thee.’ +Wherefore,” says Lucifer, redoubling his accursed clamour, +“let it be published forthwith throughout all our +territories, that calamities, troubles, and persecutions are our +mortal enemies, for so we have found them upon experience; they +are the dispensations of Providence, the blessings of the +Almighty, to fit sinners for Himself, and they that suffer them +are enrolled in the militia of heaven.</p> +<p>“<i>Item</i>; For the better administration of our +government, it is our will and pleasure, and we do strictly +charge and command, that our devils give constant attendance in +all courts of judicature; and they are hereby totally discharged +from any further care of little pettifoggers, flatterers, and +envious <a name="page294"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +294</span>persons, for they are so well acquainted with hell +road, that they’ll guide one another without the help of a +devil to bring them hither.</p> +<p>“<i>Item</i>; We do ordain and command that no devil +presume for the future to entertain any confident, but profit; +for that’s the harbinger that provides vice the most +commodious quarter, even in the straitest consciences.</p> +<p>“<i>Item</i>; We do ordain, as a matter of great +importance to the conservation of our empire, that in what part +soever of our dominions the devil of money shall vouchsafe to +appear, all other devils there present shall rise, and, with a +low reverence, present him the chair, in token of their +submission to his power and authority.</p> +<p>“<i>Item</i>; We do most expressly charge and command +all our officers, as well civil as military, to employ their +utmost diligence and industry, for the establishing a general +peace throughout the world. For that’s the time for +wickedness to thrive in, and all sorts of vices to prosper and +flourish—as luxury, gluttony, idleness, lying, slandering, +gaming, and whoring; and, in a word, sin is upon the increase and +goodness in the wane. Whereas in a <a +name="page295"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 295</span>state of +war, men are upon the exercise of valour and virtue; calling +often upon Heaven, in the morning, for fear of being knocked on +the head after dinner: and honest men and actions are +rewarded.</p> +<p>“<i>Item</i>; We do from this time forward discharge all +our officers and agents whatsoever, from giving themselves any +further trouble of tempting men and women to sins of +incontinence, for as much as we find, upon experience, that +adultery and fornication will never be left, till the old woman +scratches the stool for her backside. And though there may +be several intervals of repentance, and some faint purposes of +giving it over, yet the humour returns again with the next tide +of blood, and concupiscence is as loyal a subject to us as any we +have in our dominions.</p> +<p>“<i>Item</i>; In consideration of the exemption +aforesaid, by which means several poor devils are left without +present employment; and forasmuch as there are many merchants and +tradesmen in London, Paris, Madrid, Amsterdam, and elsewhere, up +and down the world, that are very charitably disposed to relieve +people in want, especially young heirs newly at age, and +spendthrifts, that come to borrow money of them; but the times +being dead, <a name="page296"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +296</span>and little money stirring, all they can do is to +furnish them with what the house affords; and if a hundred pound +or two in commodity will do them any good, ’tis at their +service (they say). This the gallant takes up at an +excessive rate, to sell again immediately for what he can get; +and the merchant has his friend to take it off underhand, at a +third part of the value (which is the way of helping men in +distress). Now out of a singular respect to the said +merchants and tradesmen, and for their better encouragement, as +also, to the end that the devils aforesaid may not run into lewd +courses for want of business, we will and require that a legion +of the said devils shall from time to time be continually aiding +and assisting to the said merchants and tradesmen, in the quality +of factors, to be relieved monthly by a fresh legion, or oftener +if occasion shall require.</p> +<p>“<i>Item</i>; We will and command that all our devils, +of what degree or quality soever, do henceforth entertain a +strict amity and correspondence with our trusty and well beloved +the usurers, the revengeful, the envious, and all pretenders to +great places and dignities; and, above all others, with the +hypocrites, who are the most <a name="page297"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 297</span>powerful impostors in nature, and so +excellently skilled in their trade that they steal away +people’s hearts and souls at the eyes and ears insensibly, +and draw to themselves adoration and reward.</p> +<p>“<i>Item</i>; We do further order and command, that all +care possible be taken for the maintaining of blabs, informers, +incendiaries, and parasites in all courts and palaces, for thence +comes our harvest.</p> +<p>“<i>Item</i>; That the babblers, tale-bearers, +make-bates, and instruments of divorces and quarrels, be no +longer called fanes, but bellows; in regard that they draw and +inflame, without giving any allay or refreshment.</p> +<p>“<i>Item</i>; That the intermeddlers be hereafter called +and reputed the devils’ body-lice, because they fetch blood +of those that feed and nourish them.”</p> +<p>Lucifer then casting a sour look over his shoulder, and spying +the gouvernante: “I’m of his mind,” quoth he, +“that said, ‘Let God dispose of the Doüegnas (or +gouvernantes) as He pleases; for I’m in no little trouble +how to dispose of these confounded carrions.’” +Whereupon, the damned cried out, with one voice, “Oh, +Lucifer! let it never be said that it rained Doüegnas in thy +dominions. Are we not <a name="page298"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 298</span>miserable enough without this new +plague of being baited by hags?” “Ah! cursed +Lucifer,” cried every one to himself, “stow them +anywhere, so they come not near me.” And with that, +they all clapped their tails between their legs, and drew in +their horns, for fear of this new torment. Lucifer, finding +how the dread of the old women wrought upon the devils, contented +himself, at the present, to let it pass only <i>in terrorem</i>; +but withal he swore, by the honour of his imperial crown, and as +he hoped to be saved, that what devil devil’s dam, or +reprobate soever, should in time to come be found wanting to his +duty and in the least degree disobedient to his laws and +ordinances, all and every the said devil or devils, their dams +and reprobates so offending, should be delivered up to the +torture of the Doüegna, and tied muzzle to muzzle; so to +remain <i>in sæcula sæculorum</i>, without relief or +appeal, or any law, statute, or usage to the contrary +notwithstanding. “But in the meantime, cast them into +that dry ditch,” says he, “that they may be ready for +use upon any occasion.”</p> +<p>Immediately, upon the pronouncing of this solemn decree, +Lucifer retired to his cell, the weather cleared up, and the <a +name="page299"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 299</span>company +dispersed in a fright, at so horrible a menace, and so went about +their business: when a voice was heard out of the clouds, as the +voice of an angel, saying, “He that rightly comprehends the +morality of this discourse, shall never repent the reading of +it.”</p> +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<p style="text-align: center"><span class="GutSmall">THE +END</span></p> +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<p style="text-align: center"><a name="page300"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 300</span><i>Printed by</i><br /> +<span class="smcap">Morrison & Gibb Limited</span>,<br /> +<i>Edinburgh</i></p> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE VISIONS OF DOM FRANCISCO DE +QUEVEDO VILLEGAS***</p> +<pre> + + +***** This file should be named 41908-h.htm or 41908-h.zip****** + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/4/1/9/0/41908 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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