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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/4937.txt b/4937.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b311f86 --- /dev/null +++ b/4937.txt @@ -0,0 +1,14236 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Hudibras, by Samuel Butler + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Hudibras + +Author: Samuel Butler + +Release Date: January, 2004 [EBook #4937] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on March 31, 2002] +[Most recently updated on April 7, 2002] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, HUDIBRAS *** + + + + +HUDIBRAS BY SAMUEL BUTLER + + +Transcriber's Notes: + +Credits: This e-text was scanned, proofed and edited with a +glossary and translations from the Latin by Donal O' Danachair. +(kodak_seaside@hotmail.com). The text is that of an edition +published in London, 1805. This e-text is hereby placed in the +public domain. + +Spelling and punctuation: These are the same as in the book as +far as possible. The AE and OE digraphs have been transcribed +as two letters. Greek words have been transliterated. + +Notes: The notes are identified by letters in the text, thus: <a>. +In a few cases the note has no text reference: these are indicated <>. + +Layout: the line numbers all end in col. 65. View this e-text in a +monospaced font such as Courier and they will all line up in the +right margin. + +Latin: All translations are by the transcriber. In the notes, they +immediately follow the Latin text in [square brackets]. +Translations of Latin phrases in the poem are in the glossary. +Disclaimer: these translations are probably very inaccurate - I +am no great Latin scholar. + + + + HUDIBRAS + IN + THREE PARTS + + WRITTEN IN + + THE TIME OF THE LATE WARS + --------------------- + BY SAMUEL BUTLER, ESQ. + --------------------- + WITH + ANNOTATIONS + AND + AN INDEX + ------ + + + +TO THE READER. + + +Poeta nascitur non fit, [poets are born, not made] is a sentence +of as great truth as antiquity; it being most certain, that all the +acquired learning imaginable is insufficient to compleat a poet, +without a natural genius and propensity to so noble and sublime +an art. And we may, without offence, observe, that many very +learned men, who have been ambitious to be thought poets, +have only rendered themselves obnoxious to that satyrical +inspiration our Author wittily invokes: + +Which made them, though it were in spight +Of nature and their stars, to write. + +On the one side some who have had very little human learning, +but were endued with a large share of natural wit and parts, +have become the most celebrated (Shakespear, D'Avenant, &c.) +poets of the age they lived in. But, as these last are, "Rarae aves +in terris," so, when the muses have not disdained the assistances +of other arts and sciences, we are then blessed with those lasting +monuments of wit and learning, which may justly claim a kind +of eternity upon earth. And our author, had his modesty +permitted him, might, with Horace, have said, + +Exegi monumentum aere perennius: +[I have raised a memorial more lasting than bronze] + +Or, with Ovid, + +Jamque opus exegi, quod nec Jovis ira, nec ignis, +Nec poterit ferrum, nec edax abolere vetustas. +[For I have raised a work which neither the rage of Jupiter, +Nor fire, nor iron, nor consuming age can destroy.] + +The Author of this celebrated Poem was of this his last +composition: for although he had not the happiness of an +academical education, as some affirm, if may be perceived, +throughout his whole Poem, that he had read much, and was +very well accomplished in the most useful parts of human +learning. + +Rapin (in his reflections) speaking of the necessary qualities +belonging to a poet, tells us, he must have a genius +extraordinary; great natural gifts; a wit just, fruitful, piercing, +solid, and universal; an understanding clear and distinct; an +imagination neat and pleasant; an elevation of soul, that +depends not only on art or study, but is purely the gift of +heaven, which must be sustained by a lively sense and vivacity; +judgment to consider wisely of things, and vivacity for the +beautiful expression of them, &c. + +Now, how justly this character is due to our Author, we leave to +the impartial reader, and those of nicer judgment, who had the +happiness to be more intimately acquainted with him. + +The reputation of this incomparable Poem is so thoroughly +established in the world, that it would be superfluous, if not +impertinent, to endeavour any panegyric upon it. King Charles +II. whom the judicious part of mankind will readily +acknowledge to be a sovereign judge of wit, was so great an +admirer of it, that he would often pleasantly quote it in his +conversation. However, since most men have a curiosity to have +some account of such anonymous authors, whose compositions +have been eminent for wit or learning, we have, for their +information, subjoined a short Life of the Author. + + + +THE AUTHOR'S LIFE. + + +Samuel Butler, the Author of this excellent Poem, was born in +the Parish of Strensham, in the county of Worcester, and +baptized there the 13th of Feb. 1612. His father, who was of the +same name, was an honest country farmer, who had some small +estate of his own, but rented a much greater of the Lord of the +Manor where he lived. However, perceiving in this son an early +inclination to learning, he made a shift to have him educated in +the free-school at Worcester, under Mr. Henry Bright; where +having passed the usual time, and being become an excellent +school-scholar, he went for some little time to Cambridge, but +was never matriculated into that University, his father's abilities +not being sufficient to be at the charge of an academical +education; so that our Author returned soon into his native +county, and became clerk to one Mr. Jefferys, of Earl's-Croom, +an eminent Justice of the Peace for that County, with whom he +lived some years, in an easy and no contemptible service. Here +by the indulgence of a kind master, he had sufficient leisure to +apply himself to whatever learning his inclinations led him, +which were chiefly history and poetry; to which, for his +diversion, he joined music and painting; and I have seen some +pictures, said to be of his drawing, which remained in that +family; which I mention not for the excellency of them, but to +satisfy the reader of his early inclinations to that noble art; for +which also he was afterwards entirely beloved by Mr. Samuel +Cooper, one of the most eminent painters of his time. + +He was after this recommended to that great encourager of +learning, Elizabeth Countess of Kent, where he had not only the +opportunity to consult all manner of learned books, but to +converse also with that living library of learning, the great Mr +Selden. + +Our Author lived some time also with Sir Samuel Luke, who +was of an ancient family in Bedfordshire but, to his dishonour, +an eminent commander under the usurper Oliver Cromwell: and +then it was, as I am informed, he composed this loyal Poem. +For, though fate, more than choice, seems to have placed him in +the service of a Knight so notorious, both in his person and +politics, yet, by the rule of contraries, one may observe +throughout his whole Poem, that he was most orthodox, both in +his religion and loyalty. And I am the more induced to believe +he wrote it about that time, because he had then the opportunity +to converse with those living characters of rebellion, nonsense, +and hypocrisy, which he so livelily and pathetically exposes +throughout the whole work. + +After the restoration of King Charles II. those who were at the +helm, minding money more than merit, our Author found that +verse in Juvenal to be exactly verified in himself: + +Haud facile emergunt, quorum virtutibus obstat +Res angusta domi: +[They do not easily rise whose virtues are held back by the +straitened circumstances of their home] + +And being endued with that innate modesty, which rarely finds +promotion in princes' courts. He became Secretary to Richard +Earl of Carbury, Lord President of the Principality of Wales, +who made him Steward of Ludlow-Castle, when the Court there +was revived. About this time he married one Mrs. Herbert, a +gentlewoman of a very good family, but no widow, as the +Oxford Antiquary has reported; she had a competent fortune, +but it was most of it unfortunately lost, by being put out on ill +securities, so that it was of little advantage to him. He is +reported by the Antiquary to have been Secretary to his Grace +George Duke of Buckingham, when he was Chancellor to the +University of Cambridge; but whether that be true or no, it is +certain, the Duke had a great kindness for him, and was often a +benefactor to him. But no man was a more generous friend to +him, than that Mecaenas of all learned and witty men, Charles +Lord Buckhurst, the late Earl of Dorset and Middlesex, who, +being himself an excellent poet, knew how to set a just value +upon the ingenious performances of others, and has often taken +care privately to relieve and supply the necessities of those, +whose modesty would endeavour to conceal them; of which our +author was a signal instance, as several others have been, who +are now living. In fine the integrity of his life, the acuteness of +his wit, and easiness of his conversation, had rendered him most +acceptable to all men; yet he prudently avoided a multiplicity of +acquaintance, and wisely chose such only whom his discerning +judgment could distinguish (as Mr. Cowley expresseth it) + +From the great vulgar or the small. + +And having thus lived to a good old age, admired by all, though +personally known to few, he departed this life in the year 1680, +and was buried at the charge of his good friend Mr. Longuevil, +of the Temple, in the yard belonging to the church of St. Paul's +Covent-garden, at the west-end of the said yard, on the north +side, under the wall of the said church, and under that wall +which parts the yard from the common highway. And since he +has no monument yet set up for him, give me leave to borrow +his epitaph from that of Michael Drayton, the poet, as the author +of Mr. Cowley's has partly done before me: + +And though no monument can claim +To be the treasurer of thy name; +This work, which ne'er will die, shall be +An everlasting monument to thee. + + + +PART I + + +CANTO I + + +THE ARGUMENT + +------------------------------------------------- +Sir Hudibras his passing worth, +The manner how he sallied forth; +His arms and equipage are shown; +His horse's virtues, and his own. +Th' adventure of the bear and fiddle +Is sung, but breaks off in the middle. +------------------------------------------------- + + +When civil dudgeon <a> first grew high, +And men fell out they knew not why? +When hard words, jealousies, and fears, +Set folks together by the ears, +And made them fight, like mad or drunk, 5 +For Dame Religion, as for punk; +Whose honesty they all durst swear for, +Though not a man of them knew wherefore: +When Gospel-Trumpeter, surrounded +With long-ear'd rout, to battle sounded, 10 +And pulpit, drum ecclesiastick, +Was beat with fist, instead of a stick; +Then did Sir Knight abandon dwelling, +And out he rode a colonelling. +A wight he was, whose very sight wou'd 15 +Entitle him Mirror of Knighthood; +That never bent his stubborn knee +To any thing but Chivalry; +Nor put up blow, but that which laid +Right worshipful on shoulder-blade; 20 +Chief of domestic knights and errant, +Either for cartel or for warrant; +Great on the bench, great in the saddle, +That <b> could as well bind o'er, as swaddle; +Mighty he was at both of these, 25 +And styl'd of war, as well as peace. +(So some rats, of amphibious nature, +Are either for the land or water). +But here our authors make a doubt +Whether he were more wise, or stout: 30 +Some hold the one, and some the other; +But howsoe'er they make a pother, +The diff'rence was so small, his brain +Outweigh'd his rage but half a grain; +Which made some take him for a tool 35 +That knaves do work with, call'd a fool, +And offer to lay wagers that +As MONTAIGNE, <c> playing with his cat, +Complains she thought him but an ass, +Much more she wou'd Sir HUDIBRAS; 40 +(For that's the name our valiant knight +To all his challenges did write). +But they're mistaken very much, +'Tis plain enough he was no such; +We grant, although he had much wit, 45 +H' was very shy of using it; +As being loth to wear it out, +And therefore bore it not about, +Unless on holy-days, or so, +As men their best apparel do. 50 +Beside, 'tis known he could speak GREEK +As naturally as pigs squeek; +That LATIN was no more difficile, +Than to a blackbird 'tis to whistle: +Being rich in both, he never scanted 55 +His bounty unto such as wanted; +But much of either would afford +To many, that had not one word. +For Hebrew roots, although they're found +To flourish most in barren ground, 60 +He had such plenty, as suffic'd +To make some <d> think him circumcis'd; +And truly so, he was, perhaps, +Not as a proselyte, but for claps. + +He was in LOGIC a great critic, 65 +Profoundly skill'd in <e> analytic; +He could distinguish, and divide +A hair 'twixt south, and south-west side: +On either which he would dispute, +Confute, change hands, and still confute, 70 +He'd undertake to prove, by force +Of argument, a man's no horse; +He'd prove a buzzard is no fowl, +And that a lord may be an owl, +A calf an alderman, a goose a justice, 75 +And rooks Committee-men and Trustees. +He'd run in debt by disputation, +And pay with ratiocination. +All this by syllogism, true +In mood and figure, he would do. 80 +For RHETORIC, he could not ope +His mouth, but out there flew a trope; +And when he happen'd to break off +I' th' middle of his speech, or cough, +H' had hard words,ready to show why, 85 +And tell what rules he did it by; +Else, when with greatest art he spoke, +You'd think he talk'd like other folk, +For all a rhetorician's rules +Teach nothing but to name his tools. 90 +His ordinary rate of speech +In loftiness of sound was rich; +A Babylonish <f>dialect, +Which learned pedants much affect. +It was a parti-colour'd dress 95 +Of patch'd and pie-bald languages; +'Twas English cut on Greek and Latin, +Like fustian heretofore on satin; +It had an odd promiscuous tone, +As if h' had talk'd three parts in one; 100 +Which made some think, when he did gabble, +Th' had heard three labourers of Babel; +Or <g> CERBERUS himself pronounce +A leash of languages at once. +This he as volubly would vent 105 +As if his stock would ne'er be spent: +And truly, to support that charge, +He had supplies as vast and large; +For he cou'd coin, or counterfeit +New words, with little or no wit: 110 +Words so debas'd and hard, no stone +Was hard enough to touch them on; +And when with hasty noise he spoke 'em, +The ignorant for current took 'em; +That had the <h> orator, who once 115 +Did fill his mouth with pebble stones +When he harangu'd, but known his phrase +He would have us'd no other ways. +In MATHEMATICKS he was greater +Than <i> TYCHO BRAHE, or ERRA PATER: 120 +For he, by geometric scale, +Could take the size of pots of ale; +Resolve, by sines and tangents straight, +If bread or butter wanted weight, +And wisely tell what hour o' th' day 125 +The clock does strike by algebra. +Beside, he was a shrewd PHILOSOPHER, +And had read ev'ry text and gloss over; +Whate'er the crabbed'st author hath, +He understood b' implicit faith: 130 +Whatever <k> sceptic could inquire for, +For ev'ry why he had a wherefore; +Knew more than forty of them do, +As far as words and terms cou'd go. +All which he understood by rote, 135 +And, as occasion serv'd, would quote; +No matter whether right or wrong, +They might be either said or sung. +His notions fitted things so well, +That which was which he could not tell; 140 +But oftentimes mistook th' one +For th' other, as great clerks have done. +He could <l> reduce all things to acts, +And knew their natures by abstracts; +Where entity and quiddity, 145 +The ghosts of defunct bodies fly; +Where <m> truth in person does appear, +Like words <n> congeal'd in northern air. +He knew what's what, and that's as high +As metaphysic wit can fly; 150 +In school-divinity as able +As <o> he that hight, Irrefragable; +A second <p> THOMAS, or, at once, +To name them all, another DUNCE: +Profound in all the Nominal 155 +And Real ways, beyond them all: +For he a rope of sand cou'd twist +As <q> tough as learned SORBONIST; +And weave fine cobwebs, fit for skull +That's empty when the moon is full; 160 +Such as take lodgings in a head +That's to be let unfurnished. +He could raise scruples dark and nice, +And after solve 'em in a trice; +As if Divinity had catch'd 165 +The itch, on purpose to be scratch'd; +Or, like a mountebank, did wound +And stab herself with doubts profound, +Only to show with how small pain +The sores of Faith are cur'd again; 170 +Although by woeful proof we find, +They always leave a scar behind. +He knew <r> the seat of Paradise, +Could tell in what degree it lies; +And, as he was dispos'd, could prove it, 175 +Below the moon, or else above it. +What Adam dreamt of, when his bride +Came from her closet in his side: +Whether the devil tempted her +By a <s> High Dutch interpreter; 180 +If either of them <t> had a navel: +Who first <u> made music malleable: +Whether the serpent, at the fall, +Had cloven feet, or none at all. +All this, without a gloss, or comment, 185 +He could unriddle in a moment, +In proper terms, such as men smatter +When they throw out, and miss the matter. + +For his Religion, it was fit +To match his learning and his wit; 190 +'Twas Presbyterian true blue; +For he was of that stubborn crew +Of errant saints, whom all men grant +To be the true Church Militant; +Such as do build their faith upon 195 +The holy text of pike and gun; +Decide all controversies by +Infallible artillery; +And prove their doctrine orthodox +By apostolic blows and knocks; 200 +Call fire and sword and desolation, +A godly thorough reformation, +Which always must be carried on, +And still be doing, never done; +As if religion were intended 205 +For nothing else but to be mended. +A sect, whose chief devotion lies +In odd perverse antipathies; +In falling out with that or this, +And finding somewhat still amiss; 210 +More peevish, cross, and splenetick, +Than dog distract, or monkey sick. +That with more care keep holy-day +The wrong, than others the right way; +Compound for sins they are inclin'd to, 215 +By damning those they have no mind to: +Still so perverse and opposite, +As if they worshipp'd God for spite. +The self-same thing they will abhor +One way, and long another for. 220 +Free-will they one way disavow, +Another, nothing else allow: +All piety consists therein +In them, in other men all sin: +Rather than fail, they will defy 225 +That which they love most tenderly; +Quarrel with minc'd-pies, and disparage +Their best and dearest friend, plum-porridge; +Fat pig and goose itself oppose, +And blaspheme custard through the nose. 230 +Th' apostles of this fierce religion, +Like MAHOMET'S, <w> were ass and pidgeon, +To whom our knight, by fast instinct +Of wit and temper, was so linkt, +As if hypocrisy and nonsense 235 +Had got th' advowson of his conscience. + +Thus was he gifted and accouter'd; +We mean on th' inside, not the outward; +That next of all we shall discuss: +Then listen, Sirs, it follows thus 240 +His tawny beard was th' equal grace +Both of his wisdom and his face; +In cut and dye so like a tile, +A sudden view it would beguile: +The upper part thereof was whey; 245 +The nether, orange mix'd with grey. +This hairy meteor did denounce +The fall of scepters and of crowns; +With grisly type did represent +Declining age of government; 250 +And tell with hieroglyphick spade, +Its own grave and the state's were made. +Like SAMPSON'S heart-breakers, it grew +In time to make a nation rue; +Tho' it contributed its own fall, 255 +To wait upon the publick downfal, +It was <x> monastick, and did grow +In holy orders by strict vow; +Of rule as sullen and severe +As that of rigid Cordeliere. 260 +'Twas bound to suffer persecution +And martyrdom with resolution; +T' oppose itself against the hate +And vengeance of th' incensed state; +In whose defiance it was worn, 265 +Still ready to be pull'd and torn; +With red-hot irons to be tortur'd; +Revil'd, and spit upon, and martyr'd. +Maugre all which, 'twas to stand fast +As long as monarchy shou'd last; 270 +But when the state should hap to reel, +'Twas to submit to fatal steel, +And fall, as it was consecrate, +A sacrifice to fall of state; +Whose thread of life the fatal sisters 275 +Did twist together with its whiskers, +And twine so close, that time should never, +In life or death, their fortunes sever; +But with his rusty sickle mow +Both down together at a blow. 280 +So learned TALIACOTIUS <y> from +The brawny part of porter's bum +Cut supplemental noses, which +Wou'd last as long as parent breech; +But when the date of NOCK was out, 285 +Off drop'd the sympathetic snout. + +His back, or rather burthen, show'd, +As if it stoop'd with its own load: +For as AENEAS <z>bore his sire +Upon his shoulders thro' the fire, 290 +Our Knight did bear no less a pack +Of his own buttocks on his back; +Which now had almost got the upper- +Hand of his head, for want of crupper. +To poise this equally, he bore 295 +A paunch of the same bulk before; +Which still he had a special care +To keep well-cramm'd with thrifty fare; +As white-pot, butter-milk, and curds, +Such as a country-house affords; 300 +With other vittle, which anon +We farther shall dilate upon, +When of his hose we come to treat, +The cupboard where he kept his meat. + +His doublet was of sturdy buff, 305 +And tho' not sword, yet cudgel-proof; +Whereby 'twas fitter for his use, +Who fear'd no blows, but such as bruise. + +His breeches were of rugged woollen, +And had been at the siege of Bullen; 310 +To old King HARRY so well known, +Some writers held they were his own. +Thro' they were lin'd with many a piece +Of ammunition bread and cheese, +And fat black-puddings, proper food 315 +For warriors that delight in blood. +For, as we said, he always chose +To carry vittle in his hose, +That often tempted rats and mice +The ammunition to surprise: 320 +And when he put a hand but in +The one or t' other magazine, +They stoutly in defence on't stood, +And from the wounded foe drew blood; +And 'till th' were storm'd and beaten out, 325 +Ne'er left the fortify'd redoubt. +And tho' Knights Errant, as some think, +Of old did neither eat nor drink, +Because, when thorough desarts vast, +And regions desolate, they past, 330 +Where belly-timber above ground, +Or under, was not to be found, +Unless they graz'd, there's not one word +Of their provision on record; +Which made some confidently write, 335 +They had no stomachs, but to fight. +'Tis false: for <a> ARTHUR wore in hall +Round table like a farthingal, +On which with shirt pull'd out behind, +And eke before, his good Knights din'd. 340 +Though 'twas no table, some suppose, +But a huge pair of round trunk hose; +In which he carry'd as much meat +As he and all the Knights cou'd eat, +When, laying by their swords and truncheons, 345 +They took their breakfasts, or their nuncheons. +But let that pass at present, lest +We should forget where we digrest, +As learned authors use, to whom +We leave it, and to th' purpose come, 350 + +His puissant sword unto his side, +Near his undaunted heart, was ty'd; +With basket-hilt, that wou'd hold broth, +And serve for fight and dinner both. +In it he melted lead for bullets, 355 +To shoot at foes, and sometimes pullets, +To whom he bore so fell a grutch, +He ne'er gave quarter t' any such. +The trenchant blade, <b> Toledo trusty, +For want of fighting, was grown rusty, 360 +And ate unto itself, for lack +Of somebody to hew and hack. +The peaceful scabbard where it dwelt +The rancour of its edge had felt; +For of the lower end two handful 365 +It had devour'd, 'twas so manful; +And so much scorn'd to lurk in case, +As if it durst not shew its face. +In many desperate attempts, +Of warrants, exigents, contempts, 370 +It had appear'd with courage bolder +Than Serjeant BUM invading shoulder. +Oft had it ta'en possession, +And pris'ners too, or made them run. + +This sword a dagger had t' his page, 375 +That was but little for his age; +And therefore waited on him so, +As dwarfs upon Knights Errant do. +It was a serviceable dudgeon, +Either for fighting or for drudging. 380 +When it had stabb'd, or broke a head, +It would scrape trenchers, or chip bread; +Toast cheese or bacon; tho' it were +To bait a mouse-trap, 'twould not care. +'Twould make clean shoes; and in the earth 385 +Set leeks and onions, and so forth. +It had been 'prentice to a brewer, +Where this and more it did endure; +But left the trade, <c> as many more +Have lately done on the same score. 390 + +In th' holsters, at his saddle-bow, +Two aged pistols he did stow, +Among the surplus of such meat +As in his hose he cou'd not get. +These wou'd inveigle rats with th' scent, 395 +To forage when the cocks were bent; +And sometimes catch 'em with a snap +As cleverly as th' ablest trap. +They were upon hard duty still, +And ev'ry night stood centinel, 400 +To guard the magazine i' th' hose +From two-legg'd and from four-legg'd foes. + +Thus clad and fortify'd, Sir Knight +From peaceful home set forth to fight. +But first with nimble, active force 405 +He got on th' outside of his horse; +For having but one stirrup ty'd +T' his saddle, on the further side, +It was so short, h' had much ado +To reach it with his desp'rate toe: 410 +But, after many strains and heaves, +He got up to the saddle-eaves, +From whence he vaulted into th' seat, +With so much vigour, strength and heat, +That he had almost tumbled over 415 +With his own weight, but did recover, +By laying hold on tail and main, +Which oft he us'd instead of rein. + +But now we talk of mounting steed, +Before we further do proceed, 420 +It doth behoves us to say something +Of that which bore our valiant bumkin. +The beast was sturdy, large, and tall, +With mouth of meal, and eyes of wall. +I wou'd say eye; for h' had but one, 425 +As most agree; tho' some say none. +He was well stay'd; and in his gait +Preserv'd a grave, majestick state. +At spur or switch no more he skipt, +Or mended pace, than Spaniard whipt; 430 +And yet so fiery, he wou'd bound +As if he griev'd to touch the ground: +That CAESAR's horse <d>, who, as fame goes +Had corns upon his feet and toes, +Was not by half so tender hooft, 435 +Nor trod upon the ground so soft. +And as that beast would kneel and stoop +(Some write) to take his rider up, +So HUDIBRAS his ('tis well known) +Wou'd often do to set him down. 440 +We shall not need to say what lack +Of leather was upon his back; +For that was hidden under pad, +And breech of Knight, gall'd full as bad. +His strutting ribs on both sides show'd 445 +Like furrows he himself had plow'd; +For underneath the skirt of pannel, +'Twixt ev'ry two there was a channel +His draggling tail hung in the dirt, +Which on his rider he wou'd flurt, 450 +Still as his tender side he prick'd, +With arm'd heel, or with unarm'd kick'd: +For HUDIBRAS wore but one spur; +As wisely knowing, cou'd he stir +To active trot one side of's horse, 455 +The other wou'd not hang an arse. + +A squire he had, whose name was RALPH, +That in th' adventure went his half: +Though writers, for more stately tone, +Do call him RALPHO; 'tis all one; 460 +And when we can with metre safe, +We'll call him so; if not, plain RALPH: +(For rhyme the rudder is of verses, +With which like ships they steer their courses.) +An equal stock of wit and valour 465 +He had laid in; by birth a taylor. +The mighty Tyrian Queen, <e> that gain'd +With subtle shreds a tract of land, +Did leave it with a castle fair +To his great ancestor, her heir. 470 +From him descended cross-legg'd Knights, +Fam'd for their faith, and warlike fights +Against the bloody cannibal, +Whom they destroy'd both great and small. +This sturdy Squire, he had, as well 475 +As the <f> bold Trojan Knight, seen Hell; +Not with a counterfeited pass +Of golden bough, but true gold-lace. +His knowledge was not far behind +The Knight's, but of another kind, 480 +And he another way came by 't: +Some call it GIFTS, and some NEW-LIGHT; +A liberal art, that costs no pains +Of study, industry, or brains. +His wit was sent him for a token, 485 +But in the carriage crack'd and broken. +Like commendation nine-pence crook'd, +With -- To and from my love -- it look'd. +He ne'er consider'd it, as loth +To look a gift-horse in the mouth; 490 +And very wisely wou'd lay forth +No more upon it than 'twas worth. +But as he got it freely, so +He spent it frank and freely too. +For Saints themselves will sometimes be 495 +Of gifts, that cost them nothing, free. +By means of this, with hem and cough, +Prolongers to enlighten'd stuff, +He cou'd deep mysteries unriddle +As easily as thread a needle. 500 +For as of vagabonds we say, +That they are ne'er beside their way; +Whate'er men speak by this New Light, +Still they are sure to be i' th' right. +'Tis a dark-lanthorn of the Spirit, 505 +Which none see by but those that bear it: +A light that falls down from on high, +For spiritual trades to cozen by +An Ignis Fatuus, that bewitches +And leads men into pools and ditches, 510 +To make them dip themselves, and sound +For Christendom in dirty pond +To dive like wild-fowl for salvation, +And fish to catch regeneration. +This light inspires and plays upon 515 +The nose of Saint like bag-pipe drone, +And speaks through hollow empty soul, +As through a trunk, or whisp'ring hole, +Such language as no mortal ear +But spirit'al eaves-droppers can hear: 520 +So PHOEBUS, or some friendly muse, +Into small poets song infuse, +Which they at second-hand rehearse, +Thro' reed or bag-pipe, verse for verse. + +Thus RALPH became infallible 525 +As <g> three or four-legg'd oracle, +The ancient cup, or modern chair; +Spoke truth point-blank, tho' unaware. + +For MYSTICK LEARNING, wond'rous able +In <h> magick Talisman and Cabal, 530 +Whose primitive tradition reaches +As far <i> as ADAM'S first green breeches: +Deep-sighted in intelligences, +Ideas, atoms, influences; +And much of Terra Incognita, <> 535 +Th' intelligible world, cou'd say: +A deep OCCULT PHILOSOPHER, +As learn'd <k> as the wild Irish are, +Or Sir AGRIPPA <l>; for profound +And solid lying much renown'd. 540 +He <m> ANTHROPOSOPHUS, and FLOUD, +And JACOB BEHMEN understood: +Knew many an amulet and charm, +That wou'd do neither good nor harm: +In ROSY-CRUCIAN <n> lore as learned, 545 +As he that Vere adeptus earned. +He understood the speech of birds +As well as they themselves do words; +Cou'd tell what subtlest parrots mean, +That speak, and think contrary clean: 550 +What Member 'tis of whom they talk, +When they cry, Rope, and walk, knave, walk. +He'd extract numbers out of matter, +And keep them in a glass, like water; +Of sov'reign pow'r to make men wise; 555 +For drop'd in blear thick-sighted eyes, +They'd make them see in darkest night +Like owls, tho' purblind in the light. +By help of these (as he profess'd) +He had First Matter seen undress'd: 560 +He took her naked all alone, +Before one rag of form was on. +The Chaos too he had descry'd, +And seen quite thro', or else he ly'd: +Not that of paste-board which men shew 565 +For groats, at fair of Barthol'mew; +But its great grandsire, first o' the name, +Whence that and REFORMATION came; +Both cousin-germans, and right able +T' inveigle and draw in the rabble. 570 +But Reformation was, some say, +O' th' younger house to Puppet-play. +He cou'd foretel whats'ever was +By consequence to come to pass; +As death of great men, alterations, 575 +Diseases, battles, inundations. +All this, without th' eclipse o' th' sun, +Or dreadful comet, he hath done, +By inward light; away as good, +And easy to be understood; 580 +But with more lucky hit than those +That use to make the stars depose, +Like Knights o' th' post, and falsely charge +Upon themselves what others forge: +As if they were consenting to 585 +All mischiefs in the world men do: +Or, like the Devil, did tempt and sway 'em +To rogueries, and then betray 'em. +They'll search a planet's house, to know +Who broke and robb'd a house below: 590 +Examine VENUS, and the MOON, +Who stole a thimble or a spoon; +And tho' they nothing will confess, +Yet by their very looks can guess, +And tell what guilty aspect bodes, 595 +Who stole, and who receiv'd the goods. +They'll question MARS, and, by his look, +Detect who 'twas that nimm'd a cloke: +Make MERCURY confess, and 'peach +Those thieves which he himself did teach. 600 +They'll find, i' th' physiognomies +O' th' planets, all men's destinies.; +Like him that took the doctor's bill, +And swallow'd it instead o' th' pill +Cast the nativity o' th' question, 605 +And from positions to be guess'd on, +As sure as it' they knew the moment +Of natives birth, tell what will come on't. +They'll feel the pulses of the stars, +To find out agues, coughs, catarrhs; 610 +And tell what crisis does divine +The rot in sheep, or mange in swine +In men, what gives or cures the itch; +What makes them cuckolds, poor or rich; +What gains or loses, hangs or saves; 615 +What makes men great, what fools or knaves, +But not what wise; for only of those +The stars (they say) cannot dispose, +No more than can the Astrologians. +There they say right, and like true Trojans. +This RALPHO knew, and therefore took 620 +The other course, of which we spoke. + +Thus was the accomplish'd Squire endu'd +With gifts and knowledge, per'lous shrew'd. +Never did trusty Squire with Knight, +Or Knight with Squire, e'er jump more right. 625 +Their arms and equipage did fit, +As well as virtues, parts, and wit. +Their valours too were of a rate; +And out they sally'd at the gate. 630 +Few miles on horseback had they jogged, +But Fortune unto them turn'd dogged; +For they a sad adventure met, +Of which anon we mean to treat; +But ere we venture to unfold 635 +Atchievements so resolv'd and bold, +We shou'd as learned poets use, +Invoke th' assistance of some muse: +However, criticks count it sillier +Than jugglers talking to familiar. 640 +We think 'tis no great matter which +They're all alike; yet we shall pitch +On one that fits our purpose most +Whom therefore thus do we accost: + +Thou that with ale, or viler liquors, 645 +Did'st inspire WITHERS, PRYN <o>, and VICKARS, +And force them, tho' it was in spite +Of nature and their stars, to write; +Who, as we find in sullen writs, +And cross-grain'd works of modern wits, 650 +With vanity, opinion, want, +The wonder of the ignorant, +The praises of the author, penn'd +B' himself, or wit-insuring friend; +The itch of picture in the front, 655 +With bays and wicked rhyme upon't; +All that is left o' th' forked hill, +To make men scribble without skill; +Canst make a poet spite of fate, +And teach all people to translate, 660 +Tho' out of languages in which +They understand no part of speech; +Assist me but this once, I 'mplore, +And I shall trouble thee no more. + +In western clime there is a town, 665 +To those that dwell therein well known; +Therefore there needs no more be said here, +We unto them refer our reader; +For brevity is very good, +When w' are, or are not, understood. 670 +To this town people did repair, +On days of market, or of fair, +And, to crack'd fiddle, and hoarse tabor, +In merriment did drudge and labor. +But now a sport more formidable 675 +Had rak'd together village rabble: +'Twas an old way of recreating, +Which learned butchers call bear-baiting: +A bold advent'rous exercise, +With ancient heroes in high prize: 680 +For authors do affirm it came +From Isthmian or Nemean game: +Others derive it from the bear +That's fix'd in northern hemisphere, +And round about the pole does make 685 +A circle like a bear at stake, +That at the chain's end wheels about, +And overturns the rabble-rout. +For after solemn proclamation, +In the bear's name, (as is the fashion, 690 +According to the law of arms, +To keep men from inglorious harms,) +That none presume to come so near +As forty foot of stake of bear, +If any yet be so fool-hardy, 695 +T' expose themselves to vain jeopardy, +If they come wounded off, and lame, +No honour's got by such a maim; +Altho' the bear gain much, b'ing bound +In honour to make good his ground, 700 +When he's engag'd, and takes no notice, +If any press upon him, who 'tis; +But let's them know, at their own cost, +That he intends to keep his post. +This to prevent, and other harms, 705 +Which always wait on feats of arms, +(For in the hurry of a fray +'Tis hard to keep out of harm's way,) +Thither the Knight his course did steer, +To keep the peace 'twixt dog and bear; 710 +As he believ'd he was bound to do +In conscience, and commission too; +And therefore thus bespoke the Squire. + +We that <p> are wisely mounted higher +Than constables in curule wit, +When on tribunal bench we sit, +Like speculators shou'd foresee, +From Pharos of authority, +Portended mischiefs farther then +Low Proletarian tything-men: 720 +And therefore being inform'd by bruit, +That dog and bear are to dispute; +For so of late men fighting name, +Because they often prove the same; +(For where the first does hap to be, 725 +The last does coincidere;) +Quantum in nobis, have thought good, +To save th' expence of Christian blood, +And try if we, by mediation +Of treaty and accommodation, 730 +Can end the quarrel and compose +The bloody duel without blows. +Are not our liberties, our lives, +The laws, religion and our wives, +Enough at once to lie at stake 735 +For Cov'nant and the Cause's sake? +But in that quarrel dogs and bears, +As well as we must venture theirs +This feud, by Jesuits invented, +By evil counsel is fomented: 740 +There is a MACHIAVILIAN plot, +(Tho' ev'ry Nare olfact is not,) +A deep design in't, to divide +The well-affected that confide, +By setting brother against brother, 745 +To claw and curry one another. +Have we not enemies plus satis, +That Cane & Angue pejus hate us? +And shall we turn our fangs and claws +Upon our own selves, without cause? 750 +That some occult design doth lie +In bloody <q> cynarctomachy, +Is plain enough to him that knows +How Saints lead brothers by the nose. +I wish myself a pseudo-prophet, 755 +But sure some mischief will come of it; +Unless by providential wit, +Or force, we <r> averruncate it. +For what design, what interest, +Can beast have to encounter beast? 760 +They fight for no espoused cause, +Frail privilege, fundamental laws, +Not for a thorough reformation, +Nor covenant, nor protestation, +Nor liberty of consciences, 765 +Nor Lords and Commons ordinances; +Nor for the church, nor for church-lands, +To get them in their own no hands; +Nor evil counsellors to bring +To justice that seduce the King; 770 +Nor for the worship of us men, +Though we have done as much for them. +Th' AEgyptians worshipp'd dogs, and for +Their faith made internecine war. +Others ador'd a rat, and some 775 +For that church suffer'd martyrdom. +The <s> Indians fought for the truth +Of th' elephant and monkey's tooth, +And many, to defend that faith, +Fought it out mordicus to death. 780 +But no beast ever was so slight, +For man, as for his God, to fight. +They have more wit, alas! and know +Themselves and us better than so. +But we, who only do infuse 785 +The rage in them like <t> Boute-feus; +'Tis our example that instils +In them th' infection of our ills. +For, as some late philosophers. +Have well observ'd, beasts, that converse 790 +With man, take after him, as hogs +Get pigs all the year, and bitches dogs. +Just so, by our example, cattle +Learn to give one another battle. +We read, in NERO's time, the heathen, 795 +When they destroy'd the Christian brethren, +Did sew them in the skins of bears, +And then set dogs about their ears: +From thence, no doubt, th' invention came +Of this lewd antichristian game. 800 + +To this, quoth RALPHO, Verily +The point seems very plain to me. +It is an antichristian game, +Unlawful both in thing and name. +First, for the name: the word, bear-baiting 805 +Is carnal, and of man's creating: +For certainly there's no such word +In all the scripture on record; +Therefore unlawful, and a sin; +And so is (secondly) the thing. 810 +A vile assembly 'tis, that can +No more be prov'd by scripture than +Provincial, classic, national; +Mere human-creature cobwebs all. +Thirdly, it is idolatrous; 815 +For when men run a whoring thus +With their inventions, whatsoe'er +The thing be, whether dog or bear, +It is idolatrous and pagan, +No less than worshipping of DAGON. 820 + +Quoth HUDIBRAS, I smell a rat; +RALPHO, thou dost prevaricate: +For though the thesis which thou lay'st +Be true ad amussim, as thou say'st; +(For that bear-baiting should appear 825 +Jure divino lawfuller +Than synods are, thou dost deny, +Totidem verbis; so do I;) +Yet there's a fallacy in this; +For if by sly HOMAEOSIS, 830 +Tussis pro crepitu, an art +Under a cough to slur a f--t +Thou wou'dst sophistically imply, +Both are unlawful, I deny. + +And I (quoth RALPHO) do not doubt 835 +But bear-baiting may be made out, +In gospel-times, as lawful as is +Provincial or parochial classis; +And that both are so near of kin, +And like in all, as well as sin, 840 +That put them in a bag, and shake 'em, +Yourself o' th' sudden would mistake 'em, +And not know which is which, unless +You measure by their wickedness: +For 'tis not hard t'imagine whether 845 +O' th' two is worst; tho' I name neither. + +Quoth HUDIBRAS, Thou offer'st much, +But art not able to keep touch. +Mira de lente, as 'tis i' th' adage, +Id est, to make a leek a cabbage; 850 +Thou'lt be at best but such a bull, +Or shear-swine, all cry, and no wool; +For what can synods have at all +With bear that's analogical? +Or what relation has debating 855 +Of church-affairs with bear-baiting? +A just comparison still is +Of things ejusdem generis; +And then what genus rightly doth +Include and comprehend them both? 860 +If animal both of us may +As justly pass for bears as they; +For we are animals no less, +Altho' of different specieses. +But, RALPHO, this is not fit place 865 +Nor time to argue out the case: +For now the field is not far off, +Where we must give the world a proof +Of deeds, not words, and such as suit +Another manner of dispute; 870 +A controversy that affords +Actions for arguments, not words; +Which we must manage at a rate +Of prowess and conduct adequate +To what our place and fame doth promise, 875 +And all the godly expect from us, +Nor shall they be deceiv'd, unless +We're slurr'd and outed by success; +Success, the mark no mortal wit, +Or surest hand can always hit: 880 +For whatsoe'er we perpetrate, +We do but row, we're steer'd by Fate, +Which in success oft disinherits, +For spurious causes, noblest merits. +Great actions are not always true sons 885 +Of great and mighty resolutions; +Nor do th' boldest attempts bring forth +Events still equal to their worth; +But sometimes fail, and, in their stead, +Fortune and cowardice succeed. 890 +Yet we have no great cause to doubt; +Our actions still have borne us out; +Which tho' they're known to be so ample, +We need not copy from example. +We're not the only persons durst 895 +Attempt this province, nor the first. +In northern clime a val'rous Knight +Did whilom kill his bear in fght, +And wound a fiddler; we have both +Of these the objects of our wroth, 900 +And equal fame and glory from +Th' attempt of victory to come. +'Tis sung, there is a valiant <u> Mamaluke +In foreign land, yclep'd -- +To whom we have been oft compar'd 905 +For person, parts; address, and beard; +Both equally reputed stout, +And in the same cause both have fought: +He oft in such attempts as these +Came off with glory and success; 910 +Nor will we fail in th' execution, +For want of equal resolution. +Honour is like a <w> widow, won +With brisk attempt and putting on; +With ent'ring manfully, and urging; 915 +Not slow approaches, like a virgin. + +'Tis said, as yerst the Phrygian Knight, +So ours with rusty steel did smite +His Trojan horse, and just as much +He mended pace upon the touch; 920 +But from his empty stomach groan'd +Just as that hollow beast did sound, +And angry answer'd from behind, +With brandish'd tail and blast of wind. +So have I seen, with armed heel, 925 +A wight bestride a Common-weal; +While still the more he kick'd and spurr'd, +The less the sullen jade has stirr'd. + + + +Notes to Part I, Canto I. + + +1. When civil a dudgeon, &c.] Dudgeon. Who made the +alterations in the last Edition of this poem I know not, but they +are certainly sometimes for the worse; and I cannot believe the +Author would have changed a word so proper in that place as +dudgeon for that of fury, as it is in the last Edition. To take in +dudgeon, is inwardly to resent some injury or affront; a sort of +grumbling in the gizzard, and what is previous to actual fury. + +24 b That could as well, &c.] Bind over to the Sessions as being +a Justice of the Peace in his County, as well as Colonel of a +Regiment of Foot in the Parliament's army, and a committee-Man. + +38 c As MONTAIGNE, &c.] Montaigne, in his Essays, +supposes his cat thought him a fool, for losing his time in +playing with her. + +62 d To make some, &c.] Here again is an alteration without +any amendment; for the following lines, + +And truly, so he was, perhaps, +Not as a Proselyte, but for Claps, + +Are thus changed, + +And truly so, perhaps, he was; +'Tis many a pious Christian's case. + +The Heathens had an odd opinion, and have a strange reason +why Moses imposed the law of circumcision on the Jews, +which, how untrue soever, I will give the learned reader an +account of without translation, as I find it in the annotations +upon Horace, wrote by my worthy and learned friend Mr. +William Baxter, the great restorer of the ancient and promoter of +modern learning. +Hor. Sat. 9. Sermon. Lib. I. -- +Curtis; quia pellicula imminuti sunt; quia Moses Rex +Judoeorum, cujus Legibus reguntur, negligentia PHIMOZEIS +medicinaliter exsectus est, & ne soles esset notabi omnes +circumcidi voluit. Vet. Schol. Vocem. -- (PHIMOZEIS qua +inscitia Librarii exciderat reposuimus ex conjectura, uti & +medicinaliter exsectus pro medicinalis effectus quae nihil erant.) +Quis miretur ejusmodi convicia homini Epicureo atque Pagano +excidisse? Jure igitur Henrico Glareano Diaboli Organum +videtur. Etiam Satyra Quinta haec habet: Constat omnia +miracula certa ratione fieri, de quibus Epicurei prudentissime +disputant. [Circumcised: Moses the King of the Jews, by whose +laws they are ruled, and whose foreskin overhung (the tip of his +penis), had this blockage carelessly medicinally removed, and +not wishing to be alone wanted them all to be circumcised. +(We have tentatively restored the word BLOCKAGE, which the +scribe's incompetence has omitted, and substituted medically +removed for carried out by a doctor which was never there.) +Who shall wonder that this kind of cutting caused an outcry by +Epicureans and Pagans? It can be seen therefore, why Henricus +Glareanus judged it an implement of the devil. So the Fifth +Satire has it: It is certain that every miracle can be fitted into the +philosophical systems which the Epicureans most carefully +discuss.] + +66 e Profoundly skill'd, &c.] Analytick is a part of logic, that +teaches to decline and construe reason, as grammar does words. + +93 f A Babylonish, &c.] A confusion of languages, such as +some of our modern Virtuosi used to express themselves in. + +103 g Or CERBERUS himself, &c.] Cerberus; a name which +poets give a dog with three heads, which they feigned door- +keeper of Hell, that caressed the unfortunate souls sent thither, +and devoured them that would get out again; yet Hercules tied +him up, and made him follow. This dog with three heads +denotes the past, the present, and the time to come; which +receive, and, as it were, devour all things. Hercules got the +better of him, which shews that heroic actions are always +victorious over time, because they are present in the memory of +posterity. + +115 h That had the, &c.] Demosthenes, who is said to have had +a defect in his pronunciation, which he cured by using to speak +with little stones in his mouth. + +120 i Than TYCHO BRAHE, &c.] Tycho Brahe was an +eminent Danish mathematician. Quer. in Collier's Dictionary, or +elsewhere. + +131 k Whatever Sceptick, &c.] Sceptick. Pyrrho was the chief +of the Sceptick Philosophers, and was at first, as Apollodorus +saith, a painter, then became the hearer of Driso, and at last the +disciple of Anaxagoras, whom he followed into India, to see the +Gymnosophists. He pretended that men did nothing but by +custom; there was neither honesty nor dishonesty, justice nor +injustice, good nor evil. He was very solitary, lived to be ninety +years old, was highly esteemed in his country, and created chief +priest. He lived in the time of Epicurus and Theophrastus, about +the 120th Olympiad. His followers were called Phyrrhonians; +besides which they were named the Ephecticks and +Aphoreticks, but more generally Scepticks. This sect made their +chiefest good to consist in a sedateness of mind, exempt from +all passions; in regulating their opinions, and moderating their +passions, which they called Ataxia and Metriopathia; and in +suspending their judgment in regard of good and evil, truth or +falsehood, which they called Epechi. Sextus Empiricus, who +lived in the second century, under the Emperor Antoninus Pius, +writ ten books against the mathematicians or astrologers, and +three of the Phyrrhonian opinion. The word is derived from the +Greek SKEPTESZAI, quod est, considerare, speculare. [To +consider or speculate] + +143 l He cou'd reduce, &c.] The old philosophers thought to +extract notions out of natural things, as chymists do spirits and +essences; and, when they had refined them into the nicest +subtilties, gave them as insignificant names as those operators +do their extractions: But (as Seneca says) the subtiler things are +they are but the nearer to nothing. So are all their definitions of +things by acts the nearer to nonsense. + +147 m Where Truth, &c.] Some authors have mistaken truth for +a real thing, when it is nothing but a right method of putting +those notions or images of things (in the understanding of man) +into the same and order that their originals hold in nature, and +therefore Aristotle says Unumquodque sicut habet secundum +esse, ita se habet secundum veritatem. Met. L. ii. [As every +thing has a secondary essence, therefore it has a secondary +truth] + +148 n Like words congeal'd, &c.] Some report in Nova Zembla, +and Greenland, mens' words are wont to be frozen in the air, +and at the thaw may heard. + +151 In School-Divinity as able, + As o he that Hight, Irrefragable, &c.] +Here again is another alteration of three or lines, as I think, for +the worse. +Some specific epithets were added to the title of some famous +doctors, as Angelicus, Irrefragabilis, Subtilis, [Angelic, +Unopposable, Discriminating] &c. Vide Vossi Etymolog. +Baillet Jugemens de Scavans, & Possevin's Apparatus + +153 p A Second THOMAS or at once, + To name them all, another DUNCE. +Thomas Aquinas, a Dominican friar, was born in 1224, and +studied at Cologne and Paris. He new modelled the school- +divinity, and was therefore called the Angelic Doctor, and Eagle +of Divines. The most illustrious persons of his time were +ambitious of his friendship, and put a high value on his merits, +so that they offered him bishopricks, which he refused with as +much ardor as others seek after them. He died in the fiftieth year +of his age, and was canonized by Pope John XII. We have his +works in eighteen volumes, several times printed. + +Johannes Dunscotus was a very learned man, who lived about +the end of the thirteenth and beginning of the fourteenth +century. The English and Scotch strive which of them shall have +the honour of his birth. The English say, he was born in +Northumberland: the Scots alledge he was born at Duns, in the +Mers, the neighbouring county to Northumberland, and hence +was called Dunscotus. Moreri, Buchanan, and other Scotch +historians, are of this opinion, and for proof cite his epitaph: + +Scotia me genuit, Anglia suscepit, +Gallia edocuit, Germania tenet. +[Scotland bore me, England reared me, +France instructed me, Germany kept me.] + +He died at Cologne, Novem. 8. 1308. In the Supplement to Dr. +Cave's Historia Literaria, he is said to be extraordinary learned +in physicks, metaphysicks, mathematicks, and astronomy; that +his fame was so great when at Oxford, that 30,000 scholars +came thither to hear his lectures: that when at Paris, his +arguments and authority carried it for the immaculate +conception of the Blessed Virgin; so that they appointed a +festival on that account, and would admit us scholars to degrees +but such as were of this mind. He was a great opposer of +Thomas Aquinas's doctrine; and, for being a very acute +logician, was called Doctor Subtilis; [Discriminating (or, +literally, Slender) Teacher] which was the reason also, that an +old punster always called him the Lathy Doctor. + +158 q As tough as, &c.] Sorbon was the first and most +considerable college of the university of Paris, founded in time +reign of St. Lewis, by Robert Sorbon, which name is sometimes +given to the whole University of Paris, which was founded, +about the year 741, by Charlemagne, at the persuasion of the +learned Alcuinus, who was one of the first professors there; +since which time it has been very famous. This college has been +rebuilt with an extraordinary magnificence, at the charge of +Cardinal Richlieu, and contains lodgings for thirty-six doctors, +who are called the Society of Sorbon. Those which are received +among them before they have received their doctor's degree are +only said to be of the Hospitality of Sorbon. Claud. Hemeraus +de Acad. Paris. Spondan in Annal. + +173 r he knew, &c.] There is nothing more ridiculous than the +various opinions of authors about the seat of Paradise. Sir. +Walter Raleigh has taken a great deal of pains to collect them, +in the beginning of his History of the World; where those, who +are unsatisfied, may be fully informed. + +180 s By a High-Dutch, &c.] Goropius Becanus endeavours to +prove that High-Dutch was the language that Adam and Eve +spoke in Paradise. + +181 t If either of &c.] Adam and Eve being made, and not +conceived and formed in the womb had no navels as some +learned men have supposed, because they had no need of them. + +182 u Who first made, &c.] Musick is said to be invented by +Pythagoras, who first found out the proportion of notes from +the sounds of hammers upon an anvil + +232 w Like MAHOMET's &c.) Mahomet had a tame dove, that +used to pick seeds out of his ear that it might be thought to +whisper and inspire him. His ass was so intimate with him, that +the Mahometans believed it carried him to heaven, and stays +there with him to bring him back again. + +257 x It was Monastick, and did grow + In holy Orders by strict Vow. +He made a vow never to cut his beard until the Parliament had +subdued the King; of which order of phanatick votaries there +were many in those times. + +281 y So learned TALIACOTIUS &c.] Taliacotius was an +Italian surgeon, that found out a way to repair lost and decayed +noses. This Taliacotius was chief surgeon to the Great Duke of +Tuscany, and wrote a treatise, De Curtis Membris, [Of Cut-off +Parts] which he dedicates to his great master wherein he not +only declares the models of his wonderful operations in +restoring of lost members, but gives you cuts of the very +instruments and ligatures he made use of therein; from hence +our Author (cum poetica licentia [with poetic licence]) has +taken his simile. + +289 z For as AENEAS, &c.] AEneas was the son of Anchises +and Venus; a Trojan, who, after long travels, came to Italy, and +after the death of his father-in-law, Latinus, was made king of +Latium, and reigned three years. His story is too long to insert +here, and therefore I refer you to Virgil's AEneids. Troy being +laid in ashes, he took his aged father Anchises upon his back, +and rescued him from his enemies. But being too solicitous for +his son and household gods, he lost his wife Creusa; which Mr. +Dryden, in his excellent translation, thus expresseth. + +Haste my dear father (tis no time to wait,) +And load my shoulders with a willing freight. +Whate'er befals, your life shall be my care; +One death, or one deliv'rance, we will share. +My hand shall lead our little son; and you, +My faithful consort, shall our steps pursue. + +337 a -- For ARTHUR, &c.] Who this Arthur was and whether +any ever reigned in Britain, has been doubted heretofore, and is +by some to this very day. However, the history of him, which +makes him one of the nine worthies of the world, is a subject, +sufficient for the Poet to be pleasant upon. + +359 b -- Toledo trusty, &c.] The capital city of New Castile, +Spain, with an archbishopric and primacy. It was very famous, +amongst other things, for tempering the best metal for swords, +as Damascus was and perhaps may be still. + +389 c But left the trade, as many more + Have lately done, &c. +Oliver Cromwell and Colonel Pride had been both brewers. + +433 d That CAESAR's Horse, who, as Fame goes, + Had corns upon his Feet and Toes. +Julius Caesar had a horse with feet like a man's. Utebatur equo +insigni; pedibus prope humanis, modum digitorum ungulis +fissis. [He rode a horse with this distinction; it had feet like a +man's, having the hooves split like toes] Suet. in Jul. Cap. 61. + +467 c The mighty Tyrian Queen, that gain'd + With subtle Shreds a Tract of Land. +Dido, Queen of Carthage, who bought as much land as she +could compass with an ox's hide, which she cut into small +thongs, and cheated the owner of so much ground as served her +to build Carthage upon. + +476 f As the bold, &c.] AEneas, whom Virgil reports to use a +golden bough for a pass to hell; and taylors call that place Hell +where they put all they steal. + +526 g As three, &c.] Read the great Geographical Dictionary, +under that word. + +520 h In Magick, &c.] Talisman is a device to destroy any sort +of vermin, by casting their images in metal, in a precise minute, +when the stars are perfectly inclined to do them all the mischief +they can. This has been experienced by some modern Virtuosi +upon rats, mice, and fleas, and found (as they affirm) to produce +the effect with admirable success. + +Raymund Lully interprets cabal, out of the Arabic, to signify +Scientia superabundans; which his commentator, Cornelius +Agrippa, by over-magnifying, has rendered a very superfluous +foppery. + +532 i As far as, &c.] The author of Magia Adamica endeavours +to prove the learning of the ancient Magi to be derived from that +knowledge which God himself taught Adam in Paradise before +the fall. + +535 And much of Terra Incognita, + The intelligible World cou'd say. +The intelligible world is a kind of Terra Del Fuego, or +Psittacorum Regio[Land of Parrots], &c. discovered only by the +philosophers; of which they talk, like parrots, what they do not +understand. + +538 k learned &c.] No nation in the world is more addicted to +this occult philosophy than the Wild-Irish are, as appears by the +whole practice of their lives; of which see Camden in his +description of Ireland. + +539 l Or Sir AGRIPPA, &c.] They who would know more of +Sir Cornelius Agrippa, here meant, may consult the Great +Dictionary. + +541 m He ANTHROPOSOPHUS and FLOUD, + And JACOB BEHMEN understood. +Anthroposophus is only a compound Greek word, which +signifies a man that is wise in the knowledge of men, as is used +by some anonymous author to conceal his true name. +Dr. Floud was a sort of an English Rosy-crucian, whose works +are extant, and as intelligible as those of Jacob Behmen. + +545 n In ROSY-CRUCIAN Lore as learned + As he that Vere Adeptus earned. +The fraternity of the Rosy-crucians is very like the sect of the +ancient Gnostici, who called them selves so from the excellent +learning they pretended to, although they were really the most +ridiculous sots of mankind. +Vere Adeptus is one that has commenced in their phanatick +extravagance. + +646 o Thou that with Ale or viler Liquors, + Didst inspire WITHERS, PRYN, and VICARS. +This Vicars was a man of as great interest and authority in the +late Reformation as Pryn or Withers, and as able a poet. He +translated Virgil's AEneids into as horrible Travesty, in earnest, +as the French Scaroon did in burlesque, and was only outdone +in his way by the politic author of Oceana. + +714 p We that are, &c.] This speech is set down as it was +delivered by the Knight, in his own words: But since it is below +the gravity of heroical poetry to admit of humour, but all men +are obliged to speak wisely alike, and too much of so +extravagant a folly would become tedious and impertinent, the +rest of his harangues have only his sense expressed in other +words, unless in some few places, where his own words could +not be so well avoided. + +753 q In bloody, &c.] Cynarctomachy signifies no thing in the +world but a fight between dogs and bears; though both the +learned and ignorant agree that in such words very great +knowledge is contained: And our Knight, as one, or both, of +these, was of the same opinion. + +758 r Or Force, &c.] Averruncate: Another of the same kind, +which, though it appear ever so learned and profound, means +nothing else but the weeding of corn. + +777 s The Indians fought for the Truth + Of th' Elephant and Monkey's Tooth. +The History of the White Elephant and the Monkey's-Tooth, +which the Indians adored, is written by Mons. le Blanc. This +monkey's tooth was taken by the Portuguese from those that +worshipped it; and though they offered a vast ransom for it, yet +the Christians were persuaded by their priests rather to burn it. +But as soon as the fire was kindled, all the people present were +not able to endure the horrible stink that came from it, as if the +fire had been made of the same ingredients with which seamen +use to compose that kind of granados which they call stinkards. + +786 t The Rage, &c.] Boute-feus is a French word, and therefore +it were uncivil to suppose any English person (especially of +quality) ignorant of it, or so ill-bred as to need an exposition. + +903 u 'Tis sung, &c.] Mamaluke is the name of the militia of the +Sultans of Egypt. It signified a servant or soldier. They were +commonly captives taken from amongst the Christians, and +instructed in military discipline, and did not marry. Their power +was great; for besides that the Sultans were chosen out of their +body, they disposed of the most important offices of the +kingdom. They were formidable about 200 years; 'till at last +Selim, Sultan of the Turks, routed them, and killed their Sultan, +near Aleppo, 1516, and so put an end to the empire of +Mamalukes, which had lasted 267 years. +No question but the rhime to Mamaluke was meant Sir Samuel +Luke, of whom in the Preface. + +913 w Honour is like, &c.] Our English proverbs are not +impertinent to this purpose: + +He that woos a Maid, must seldom come in her sight: +But he that woos a Widow, must woo her Day and Night. +He that woos a Maid, must feign, lye, and flatter: +But he that woos a Widow, must down with his Breeches, and at her. + +This proverb being somewhat immodest, Mr Ray says he would +not have inserted it in his collection, but that he met with it in a +little book, intitled, the Quakers' Spiritual Court Proclaimed; +written by Nathaniel Smith, Student in Physic; wherein the +author mentions it as counsel given him by Hilkiah Bedford, an +eminent Quaker in London, who would have had him to have +married a rich widow, in whose house he lodged. In case he +could get her, this Nathaniel Smith had promised Hilkiah a +chamber gratis. The whole narrative is worth the reading. + + + +PART I. + + +CANTO II. + + +THE ARGUMENT. + +------------------------------------------------- +The catalogue and character +Of th' enemies best men of war; +Whom, in bold harangue, the Knight +Defies, and challenges to fight. +H' encounters Talgol, routs the Bear, +And takes the Fiddler prisoner, +Conveys him to enchanted castle; +There shuts him fast in wooden bastile. +------------------------------------------------- + + +THERE was an ancient sage philosopher, +That had read ALEXANDER Ross over, +And swore the world, as he cou'd prove, +Was made of fighting and of love: +Just so romances are; for what else 5 +Is in them all, but love and battels? +O' th' first of these we've no great matter +To treat of, but a world o' th' latter; +In which to do the injur'd right +We mean, in what concerns just fight. 10 +Certes our authors are to blame, +For to make some well-sounding name +A pattern fit for modern Knights +To copy out in frays and fights; +Like those that a whole street do raze 15 +To build a palace in the place. +They never care how many others +They kill, without regard of mothers, +Or wives, or children, so they can +Make up some fierce, dead-doing man, 20 +Compos'd of many ingredient valors, +Just like the manhood of nine taylors. +So a Wild Tartar, when he spies +A man that's handsome, valiant, wise, +If he can kill him, thinks t' inherit 25 +His wit, his beauty, and his spirit +As if just so much he enjoy'd +As in another is destroy'd +For when a giant's slain in fight, +And mow'd o'erthwart, or cleft down right, 30 +It is a heavy case, no doubt; +A man should have his brains beat out +Because he's tall, and has large bones; +As men kill beavers for their stones. +But as for our part, we shall tell 35 +The naked truth of what befel; +And as an equal friend to both +The Knight and Bear, but more to troth, +With neither faction shall take part, +But give to each his due desert; 40 +And never coin a formal lie on't, +To make the Knight o'ercome the giant. +This b'ing profest, we've hopes enough, +And now go on where we left off. + +They rode; but authors having not 45 +Determin'd whether pace or trot, +(That is to say, whether <x> tollutation, +As they do term't, or succussation,) +We leave it, and go on, as now +Suppose they did, no matter how; 50 +Yet some from subtle hints have got +Mysterious light, it was a trot: +But let that pass: they now begun +To spur their living-engines on. +For as whipp'd tops, and bandy'd balls, 55 +The learned hold, are animals; +So horses they affirm to be +Mere engines made by geometry; +And were invented first from engines, +As <y> Indian Britons were from Penguins. 60 +So let them be; and, as I was saying, +They their live engines ply'd, not staying +Until they reach'd the fatal champain, +Which th' enemy did then encamp on; +The <z> dire Pharsalian plain, where battle 65 +Was to be wag'd 'twixt puissant cattle +And fierce auxiliary men, +That came to aid their brethren, +Who now began to take the field, +As Knight from ridge of steed beheld. 70 +For as our modern wits behold, +Mounted a pick-back on the old, +Much further oft; much further he, +Rais'd on his aged beast cou'd see; +Yet not sufficient to descry 75 +All postures of the enemy; +Wherefore he bids the Squire ride further, +T' observe their numbers, and their order; +That when their motions he had known +He might know how to fit his own. 80 +Meanwhile he stopp'd his willing steed, +To fit himself for martial deed. +Both kinds of metal he prepar'd, +Either to give blows, or to ward: +Courage and steel, both of great force, 85 +Prepar'd for better, or for worse. +His death-charg'd pistols he did fit well, +Drawn out from life-preserving vittle. +These being prim'd, with force he labour'd +To free's sword from retentive scabbard 90 +And, after many a painful pluck, +From rusty durance he bail'd tuck. +Then shook himself, to see that prowess +In scabbard of his arms sat loose; +And, rais'd upon his desp'rate foot, 95 +On stirrup-side he gaz'd about, +Portending blood, like blazing star, +The beacon of approaching war. +RALPHO rode on with no less speed +Than Hugo in the forest did; 100 +But far more in returning made; +For now the foe he had survey'd, +Rang'd as to him they did appear, +With van, main battle, wings, and rear. +I' the head of all this warlike rabble, 105 +CROWDERO march'd, expert and able. +Instead of trumpet and of drum, +That makes the warrior's stomach come, +Whose noise whets valour sharp, like beer +By thunder turn'd to vinegar, 110 +(For if a trumpet sound, or drum beat, +Who has not a month's mind to combat?) +A squeaking engine he apply'd +Unto his neck, on north-east side, +Just where the hangman does dispose, 115 +To special friends, the knot of noose: +For 'tis great grace, when statesmen straight +Dispatch a friend, let others wait. +His warped ear hung o'er the strings, +Which was but souse to chitterlings: 120 +For guts, some write, e'er they are sodden, +Are fit for music, or for pudden; +From whence men borrow ev'ry kind +Of minstrelsy by string or wind. +His grisly beard was long and thick, 125 +With which he strung his fiddle-stick; +For he to horse-tail scorn'd to owe, +For what on his own chin did grow. +Chiron, <a> the four-legg'd bard, had both +A beard and tail of his own growth; 130 +And yet by authors 'tis averr'd, +He made use only of his beard. +In <b> Staffordshire, where virtuous worth +Does raise the minstrelsy, not birth; +Where bulls do chuse the boldest king, 135 +And ruler, o'er the men of string; +(As once in Persia, 'tis said, +Kings were proclaim'd by a horse that neigh'd;) +He bravely venturing at a crown, +By chance of war was beaten down, 140 +And wounded sore. His leg then broke, +Had got a deputy of oak: +For when a shin in fight is cropp'd, +The knee with one of timber's propp'd, +Esteem'd more honourable than the other, 145 +And takes place, though the younger brother. + +Next march'd brave ORSIN, famous for +Wise conduct, and success in war: +A skilful leader, stout, severe, +Now marshal to the champion bear. 150 +With truncheon, tipp'd with iron head, +The warrior to the lists he led; +With solemn march and stately pace, +But far more grave and solemn face; +Grave <c> as the Emperor of Pegu 155 +Or Spanish potentate Don Diego. +This leader was of knowledge great, +Either for charge or for retreat. +He knew when to fall on pell-mell; +To fall back and retreat as well. 160 +So lawyers, lest the bear defendant, +And plaintiff dog, should make an end on't, +Do stave and tail with writs of error, +Reverse of judgment, and demurrer, +To let them breathe a while, and then 165 +Cry whoop, and set them on agen. +As ROMULUS a wolf did rear, +So he was dry-nurs'd by a bear, +That fed him with the purchas'd prey +Of many a fierce and bloody fray; 170 +Bred up, where discipline most rare is, +In military Garden Paris. <> +For soldiers heretofore did grow +In gardens, just as weeds do now, +Until some splay-foot politicians 175 +T'APOLLO offer'd up petitions +For licensing a new invention +They'd found out of an antique engine, +To root out all the weeds that grow +In public gardens at a blow, 180 +And leave th' herbs standing. Quoth Sir Sun, +My friends, that is not to be done. +Not done! quoth Statesmen; yes, an't please ye, +When it's once known, you'll say 'tis easy. +Why then let's know it, quoth Apollo. 185 +We'll beat a drum, and they'll all follow. +A drum! (quoth PHOEBUS;) troth, that's true; +A pretty invention, quaint and new. +But though of voice and instrument +We are the undoubted president, 190 +We such loud music don't profess: +The Devil's master of that office, +Where it must pass, if't be a drum; +He'll sign it with Cler. Parl. Dom. Com. +To him apply yourselves, and he 195 +Will soon dispatch you for his fee. +They did so; but it prov'd so ill, +Th' had better let 'em grow there still. +But to resume what we discoursing +Were on before, that is, stout ORSIN: 200 +That which so oft, by sundry writers, +Has been applied t' almost all fighters, +More justly may b' ascrib'd to this +Than any other warrior, (viz.) +None ever acted both parts bolder, 205 +Both of a chieftain and a soldier. +He was of great descent and high +For splendour and antiquity; +And from celestial origine +Deriv'd himself in a right line. 210 +Not as the ancient heroes did, +Who, that their base-births might be hid, +(Knowing they were of doubtful gender, +And that they came in at a windore) +Made Jupiter himself and others 215 +O' th' gods, gallants to their own mothers, +To get on them a race of champions, +(Of which old Homer first made Lampoons.) +ARCTOPHYLAX, in northern spheres +Was his undoubted ancestor: 220 +From him his great forefathers came, +And in all ages bore his name. +Learned he was in med'c'nal lore; +For by his side a pouch he wore, +Replete with strange Hermetic powder, 225 +That wounds nine miles point-blank wou'd solder; +By skilful chemist, with great cost, +Extracted from a rotten post; +But of a heav'nlier influence +Than that which mountebanks dispense; 230 +Tho' by Promethean fire made, <> +As they do quack that drive that trade. +For as when slovens do amiss +At others doors, by stool or piss, +The learned write, a red-hot spit 235 +B'ing prudently apply'd to it, +Will convey mischief from the dung +Unto the part that did the wrong, +So this did healing; and as sure +As that did mischief this would cure. 240 + +Thus virtuous ORSIN was endu'd +With learning, conduct, fortitude, +Incomparable: and as the prince +Of poets, HOMER sung long since +A skilful leech is better far 245 +Than half an hundred men of war, +So he appear'd; and by his skill, +No less than dint of sword, cou'd kill + +The gallant BRUIN march'd next him, +With visage formidably grim, 250 +And rugged as a Saracen, +Or Turk of Mahomet's own kin; +Clad in a mantle della guerre +Of rough impenetrable fur; +And in his nose, like Indian King, 255 +He wore, for ornament, a ring; +About his neck a threefold gorget. +As rough as trebled leathern target; +Armed, as heralds cant, and langued; +Or, as the vulgar say, sharp-fanged. 260 +For as the teeth in beasts of prey +Are swords, with which they fight in fray; +So swords, in men of war, are teeth, +Which they do eat their vittle with. +He was by birth, some authors write, 265 +A Russian; some, a Muscovite; +And 'mong the Cossacks had been bred; <> +Of whom we in diurnals read, +That serve to fill up pages here, +As with their bodies ditches there. 270 +SCRIMANSKY was his cousin-german, +With whom he serv'd, and fed on vermin; +And when these fail'd, he'd suck his claws, +And quarter himself upon his paws. +And tho' his countrymen, the Huns,<> 275 +Did stew their meat between their bums +And th' horses backs o'er which they straddle, +And ev'ry man eat up his saddle; +He was not half so nice as they, +But eat it raw when 't came in's way. 280 +He had trac'd countries far and near, +More than LE BLANC, the traveller; +Who writes, he spous'd in India, +Of noble house, a lady gay, +And got on her a race of worthies, 285 +As stout as any upon earth is. +Full many a fight for him between +TALGOL and ORSIN oft had been +Each striving to deserve the crown +Of a sav'd citizen; the one 290 +To guard his bear; the other fought +To aid his dog; both made more stout +By sev'ral spurs of neighbourhood, +Church-fellow-membership, and blood +But TALGOL, mortal foe to cows, 295 +Never got aught of him but blows; +Blows, hard and heavy, such as he +Had lent, repaid with usury. + +Yet TALGOL was of courage stout, +And vanquish'd oft'ner than he fought: 300 +Inur'd to labour, sweat and toil, +And like a champion shone with oil. +Right many a widow his keen blade,. +And many fatherless had made. +He many a boar and huge dun-cow 305 +Did, like another Guy, o'erthrow; +But Guy with him in fight compar'd, +Had like the boar or dun-cow far'd +With greater troops of sheep h' had fought +Than AJAX or bold DON QUIXOTE: 310 +And many a serpent of fell kind, +With wings before and stings behind, +Subdu'd: as poets say, long agone +Bold Sir GEORGE, St. GEORGE did the dragon. +Nor engine, nor device polemic, 31 5 +Disease, nor doctor epidemic, +Tho' stor'd with deletory med'cines, +(Which whosoever took is dead since,) +E'er sent so vast a colony +To both the underworlds as he: 320 +For he was of that noble trade +That demi-gods and heroes made, +Slaughter and knocking on the head;. +The trade to which they all were bred; +And is, like others, glorious when 325 +'Tis great and large, but base if mean. +The former rides in triumph for it; +The latter in a two-wheel'd chariot +For daring to profane a thing +So sacred with vile bungling. 330 + +Next these the brave MAGNANO came; +MAGNANO, great in martial fame. +Yet when with ORSIN he wag'd fight, +'Tis sung, he got but little by't. +Yet he was fierce as forest boar, 335 +Whose spoils upon his back he wore, +As thick as AJAX' seven-fold shield, +Which o'er his brazen arms he held: +But brass was feeble to resist +The fury of his armed fist: 340 +Nor cou'd the hardest ir'n hold out +Against his blows, but they wou'd through't. + +In MAGIC he was deeply read +As he that made the brazen head; +Profoundly skill'd in the black art; 345 +As ENGLISH MERLIN for his heart; +But far more skilful in the spheres +Than he was at the sieve and shears. +He cou'd transform himself in colour +As like the devil as a collier; 350 +As like as hypocrites in show +Are to true saints, or crow to crow. + +Of WARLIKE ENGINES he was author, +Devis'd for quick dispatch of slaughter: +The cannon, blunderbuss, and saker, 355 +He was th' inventor of, and maker: +The trumpet, and the kettle-drum, +Did both from his invention come. +He was the first that e'er did teach +To make, and how to stop, a breach. 360 +A lance he bore with iron pike; +Th' one half wou'd thrust, the other strike; +And when their forces he had join'd, +He scorn'd to turn his parts behind. + +He TRULLA lov'd; TRULLA, more bright 365 +Than burnish'd armour of her Knight: +A bold virago, stout and tall, +As <d> JOAN of FRANCE, or English MALL. +Thro' perils both of wind and limb, +Thro' thick and thin, she follow'd him, 370 +In ev'ry adventure h' undertook, +And never him or it forsook. +At breach of wall, or hedge surprize, +She shar'd i' th' hazard and the prize: +At beating quarters up, or forage, 375 +Behav'd herself with matchless courage; +And laid about in fight more busily +Than the <e> Amazonian dame Penthesile. + +And though some criticks here cry shame, +And say our authors are to blame, 380 +That (spite of all philosophers, +Who hold no females stout, but bears; +And heretofore did so abhor +That women should pretend to war, +'They wou'd not suffer the stoutest dame 385 +To swear <f> by HERCULES'S name) +Make feeble ladies, in their works, +To fight like termagants and Turks; +To lay their native arms aside, + Their modesty, and ride astride; 390 + To run a-tilt at men, and wield + Their naked tools in open field; + As stout <g> ARMIDA, bold TRALESTRIS, + And she that wou'd have been the mistress + Of <h> GUNDIBERT; but he had grace, 395 +And rather took a country lass; +They say, 'tis false, without all sense, +But of pernicious consequence +To government, which they suppose +Can never be upheld in prose; 400 +Strip nature naked to the skin, +You'll find about her no such thing. +It may be so; yet what we tell +Of TRULLA that's improbable, +Shall be depos'd by those who've seen't, 405 +Or, what's as good, produc'd in print: +And if they will not take our word, +We'll prove it true upon record. + +The upright CERDON next advanc't, +Of all his race the valiant'st: 410 +CERDON the Great, renown'd in song, +Like HERC'LES, for repair of wrong: +He rais'd the low, and fortify'd +The weak against the strongest side: +Ill has he read, that never hit 415 +On him in Muses' deathless writ. +He had a weapon keen and fierce, +That through a bull-hide shield wou'd pierce, +And cut it in a thousand pieces, 420 +Tho' tougher than the Knight of Greece his, +With whom his black-thumb'd ancestor +Was comrade in the ten years war: +For when the restless Greeks sat down +So many years before Troy town, 425 +And were renown'd, as HOMER writes, +For well-soal'd boots no less than fights, +They ow'd that glory only to +His ancestor, that made them so. +Fast friend he was to REFORMATION, 430 +Until 'twas worn quite out of fashion. +Next rectifier of wry LAW, +And wou'd make three to cure one flaw. +Learned he was, and could take note, +Transcribe, collect, translate, and quote. 435 +But PREACHING was his chiefest talent, +Or argument, in which b'ing valiant, +He us'd to lay about and stickle, +Like ram or bull, at conventicle: +For disputants, like rams and bulls, 440 +Do fight with arms that spring from skulls. + +Last COLON came, bold man of war, +Destin'd to blows by fatal star; +Right expert in command of horse; +But cruel, and without remorse. 445 +That which of CENTAUR long ago +Was said, and has been wrested to +Some other knights, was true of this; +He and his horse were of a piece. +One spirit did inform them both; 450 +The self-same vigour, fury, wroth: +Yet he was much the rougher part, +And always had a harder heart; +Although his horse had been of those +That fed on man's flesh, as fame goes. 455 +Strange food for horse! and yet, alas! +It may be true, for flesh is grass. +Sturdy he was, and no less able +Than HERCULES to clean a stable; +As great a drover, and as great 460 +A critic too, in hog or neat. +He ripp'd the womb up of his mother, +Dame Tellus, 'cause she wanted fother +And provender wherewith to feed +Himself, and his less cruel steed. 465 +It was a question, whether he +Or's horse were of a family +More worshipful: 'till antiquaries +(After th' had almost por'd out their eyes) +Did very learnedly decide 470 +The business on the horse's side; +And prov'd not only horse, but cows, +Nay, pigs, were of the elder house: +For beasts, when man was but a piece +Of earth himself, did th' earth possess. 475 + +These worthies were the chief that led +The combatants, each in the head +Of his command, with arms and rage, +Ready and longing to engage. +The numerous rabble was drawn out 480 +Of sev'ral counties round about, +From villages remote, and shires, +Of east and western hemispheres +From foreign parishes and regions, +Of different manners, speech, religions, 485 +Came men and mastiffs; some to fight +For fame and honour, some for sight. +And now the field of death, the lists, +Were enter'd by antagonists, +And blood was ready to be broach'd, 490 +When HUDIBRAS in haste approach'd, +With Squire and weapons, to attack 'em: +But first thus from his horse bespake 'em: +What rage, O citizens! what fury +Doth you to these dire actions hurry? 495 +What <i> oestrum, what phrenetic mood, +Makes you thus lavish of your blood, +While the proud Vies your trophies boast +And unreveng'd walks -- ghost? +What towns, what garrisons might you 500 +With hazard of this blood subdue, +Which now y'are bent to throw away +In vain, untriumphable fray! +Shall SAINTS in civil bloodshed wallow +Of Saints, and let the CAUSE lie fallow? 505 +The Cause for which we fought and swore +So boldly, shall we now give o'er? +Then, because quarrels still are seen +With oaths and swearings to begin, +The SOLEMN LEAGUE and COVENANT 510 +Will seem a mere God-dam-me rant; +And we, that took it, and have fought, +As lewd as drunkards that fall out. +For as we make war for the King +Against himself the self-same thing, 515 +Some will not stick to swear we do +For God and for Religion too: +For if bear-baiting we allow, +What good can Reformation do? +The blood and treasure that's laid out, 520 +Is thrown away, and goes for nought. +Are these the fruits o' th' PROTESTATION, +The Prototype of Reformation, +Which all the Saints, and some, since Martyrs, +Wore <k> in their hats like wedding garters, 525 +When 'twas <l> resolv'd by either house +Six Members quarrel to espouse? +Did they for this draw down the rabble, +With zeal and noises formidable, +And make all cries about the town 530 +Join throats to cry the Bishops down? +Who having round begirt the palace, +(As once a month they do the gallows,) +As members gave the sign about, +Set up their throats with hideous shout. 535 +When tinkers bawl'd aloud to settle +Church discipline, for patching kettle: +No sow-gelder did blow his horn +To geld a cat, but cry'd, Reform. +The oyster-women lock'd their fish up, 540 +And trudg'd away, to cry, No Bishop. +The mouse-trap men laid save-alls by, +And 'gainst Ev'l Counsellors did cry. +Botchers left old cloaths in the lurch, +And fell to turn and patch the Church. 545 +Some cry'd the Covenant instead +Of pudding-pies and ginger-bread; +And some for brooms, old boots and shoes, +Bawl'd out to Purge the Commons House. +Instead of kitchen-stuff, some cry, 550 +A Gospel-preaching Ministry; +And some, for old suits, coats, or cloak, +No Surplices nor Service-Book. +A strange harmonious inclination +Of all degrees to Reformation. 555 +And is this all? Is this the end +To which these carr'ings on did tend? +Hath public faith, like a young heir, +For this ta'en up all sorts of ware, +And run int' every tradesman's book, 560 +'Till both turn'd bankrupts, and are broke? +Did Saints for this bring in their plate, +And crowd as if they came too late? +For when they thought the Cause had need on't, +Happy was he that could be rid on't. 565 +Did they coin piss-pots, bowls, and flaggons, +Int' officers of horse and dragoons; +And into pikes and musquetteers +Stamp beakers, cups, and porringers! +A thimble, bodkin, and a spoon, 570 +Did start up living men as soon +As in the furnace they were thrown, +Just like the dragon's teeth b'ing sown. +Then was the Cause of gold and plate, +The Brethren's off'rings, consecrate, 575 +Like th' Hebrew calf, and down before it +The Saints fell prostrate, to adore it +So say the wicked -- and will you +Make that <m> sarcasmus scandal true, +By running after dogs and bears? 580 +Beasts more unclean than calves or steers. +Have pow'rful Preachers ply'd their tongues, +And laid themselves out and their lungs; +Us'd all means, both direct and sinister, +I' th' pow'r of Gospel-preaching Minister? 585 +Have they invented tones to win +The women, and make them draw in +The men, as Indians with a female +Tame elephant inveigle the male? +Have they told Prov'dence what it must do, 590 +Whom to avoid, and whom to trust to? +Discover'd th' enemy's design, +And which way best to countermine? +Prescrib'd what ways it hath to work, +Or it will ne'er advance the Kirk? 595 +Told it the news o' th' last express, +And after good or bad success, +Made prayers, not so like petitions, +As overtures and propositions, +(Such as the army did present 600 +To their creator, th' Parliament,) +In which they freely will confess +They will not, cannot acquiesce, +Unless the work be carry'd on +In the same way they have begun, 605 +By setting Church and Common-weal +All on a flame, bright as their zeal, +On which the Saints were all a-gog, +And all this for a bear and dog? +The parliament drew up petitions 610 +To itself, and sent them, like commissions, +To well-affected persons down, +In ev'ry city and great town, +With pow'r to levy horse and men, +Only to bring them back agen: 615 +For this did many, many a mile, +Ride manfully in rank and file, +With papers in their hats, that show'd +As if they to the pillory rode. +Have all these courses, these efforts, 620 +Been try'd by people of all sorts, +Velis & remis, omnibus nervis +And all t'advance the Cause's service? +And shall all now be thrown, away +In petulant intestine fray? 625 +Shall we that in the Cov'nant swore, +Each man of us to run before +Another, still in Reformation, +Give dogs and bears a dispensation? +How will Dissenting Brethren relish it? 630 +What will malignants say? videlicet, +That each man Swore to do his best, +To damn and perjure all the rest! +And bid the Devil take the hin'most, +Which at this race is like to win most. 635 +They'll say our bus'ness, to reform +The Church and State, is but a worm; +For to subscribe, unsight, unseen, +To an unknown Church-discipline, +What is it else, but before-hand 640 +T'engage, and after understand? +For when we swore to carry on +The present Reformation, +According to the purest mode +Of Churches best reformed abroad, 645 +What did we else, but make a vow +To do we know not what, nor how? +For no three of us will agree, +Where or what Churches these should be; +And is indeed <n> the self-same case 650 +With theirs that swore et caeteras; +Or the <o> French League, in which men vow'd +To fight to the last drop of blood. +These slanders will be thrown upon +The Cause and Work we carry on, 655 +If we permit men to run headlong +T' exorbitances fit for Bedlam +Rather than Gospel-walking times, +When slightest sins are greatest crimes. +But we the matter so shall handle, 660 +As to remove that odious scandal. +In name of King and parliament, +I charge ye all; no more foment +This feud, but keep the peace between +Your brethren and your countrymen; 665 +And to those places straight repair +Where your respective dwellings are. +But to that purpose first surrender +The FIDDLER, as the prime offender, +Th' incendiary vile, that is chief 670 +Author and engineer of mischief; +That makes division between friends, +For profane and malignant ends. +He, and that engine of vile noise, +On which illegally he plays, 675 +Shall (dictum factum) both be brought +To condign punishment, as they ought. +This must be done; and I would fain see +Mortal so sturdy as to gain-say: +For then I'll take another course, 680 +And soon reduce you all by force. +This said, he clapp'd his hand on sword, +To shew he meant to keep his word. + +But TALGOL, who had long supprest +Inflamed wrath in glowing, breast, 685 +Which now began to rage and burn as +Implacably as flame in furnace, +Thus answer'd him: -- Thou vermin wretched +As e'er in measled pork was hatched; +Thou tail of worship, that dost grow 690 +On rump of justice as of cow; +How dar'st thou, with that sullen luggage +O' th' self, old ir'n, and other baggage, +With which thy steed of bones and leather +Has broke his wind in halting hither; 695 +How durst th', I say, adventure thus +T' oppose thy lumber against us? +Could thine impertinence find out +To work t' employ itself about, +Where thou, secure from wooden blow, 700 +Thy busy vanity might'st show? +Was no dispute a-foot between +The caterwauling Brethren? +No subtle question rais'd among 705 +Those out-o-their wits, and those i' th' wrong; +No prize between those combatants +O' th' times, the Land and Water Saints; +Where thou might'st stickle without hazard +Of outrage to thy hide and mazzard; +And not for want of bus'ness come 710 +To us to be so troublesome, +To interrupt our better sort +Of disputants, and spoil our sport? +Was there no felony, no bawd, +Cut-purse, no burglary abroad; 715 +No stolen pig, nor plunder'd goose, +To tie thee up from breaking loose? +No ale unlicens'd, broken hedge, +For which thou statute might'st alledge, +To keep thee busy from foul evil, 720 +And shame due to thee from the Devil? +Did no committee sit, where he +Might cut out journey-work for thee? +And set th' a task, with subornation, +To stitch up sale and sequestration; 725 +To cheat, with holiness and zeal, +All parties, and the common-weal? +Much better had it been for thee, +H' had kept thee where th' art us'd to be; +Or sent th' on bus'ness any whither, 730 +So he had never brought thee hither. +But if th' hast brain enough in skull +To keep itself in lodging whole, +And not provoke the rage of stones +And cudgels to thy hide and bones 735 +Tremble, and vanish, while thou may'st, +Which I'll not promise if thou stay'st. +At this the Knight grew high in wroth, +And lifting hands and eyes up both, +Three times he smote on stomach stout, 740 +From whence at length these words broke out: + +Was I for this entitled SIR, +And girt with trusty sword and spur, +For fame and honor to wage battle, +Thus to be brav'd by foe to cattle? 745 +Not all that pride that makes thee swell +As big as thou dost blown-up veal; +Nor all thy tricks and sleights to cheat, +And sell thy carrion for good meat; +Not all thy magic to repair 750 +Decay'd old age in tough lean ware; +Make nat'ral appear thy work, +And stop the gangrene in stale pork; +Not all that force that makes thee proud, +Because by bullock ne'er withstood; 755 +Though arm'd with all thy cleavers, knives, +And axes made to hew down lives, +Shall save or help thee to evade +The hand of Justice, or this blade, +Which I, her sword-bearer, do carry, 760 +For civil deed and military. +Nor shall those words of venom base, +Which thou hast from their native place, +Thy stomach, pump'd to fling on me, +Go unreveng'd, though I am free: 765 +Thou down the same throat shalt devour 'em, +Like tainted beef, and pay dear for 'em. +Nor shall it e'er be said, that wight +With gantlet blue, and bases white, +And round blunt truncheon by his side, 770 +So great a man at arms defy'd +With words far bitterer than wormwood, +That would in Job or Grizel stir mood. +Dogs with their tongues their wounds do heal; +But men with hands, as thou shalt feel. 775 + +This said, with hasty rage he snatch'd +His gun-shot, that in holsters watch'd; +And bending cock, he levell'd full +Against th' outside of TALGOL'S skull; +Vowing that he shou'd ne'er stir further, 780 +Nor henceforth cow nor bullock murther. +But PALLAS came in shape of rust, +And 'twixt the spring and hammerthrust +Her Gorgon shield, which made the cock +Stand stiff, as t'were transform'd to stock. 785 +Mean while fierce TALGOL, gath'ring might, +With rugged truncheon charg'd the Knight; +But he with petronel upheav'd, +Instead of shield, the blow receiv'd. +The gun recoil'd, as well it might, 790 +Not us'd to such a kind of fight, +And shrunk from its great master's gripe, +Knock'd down and stunn'd by mortal stripe. +Then HUDIBRAS, with furious haste, +Drew out his sword; yet not so fast, 795 +But TALGOL first, with hardy thwack, +Twice bruis'd his head, and twice his back. +But when his nut-brown sword was out, +With stomach huge he laid about, +Imprinting many a wound upon 800 +His mortal foe, the truncheon. +The trusty cudgel did oppose +Itself against dead-doing blows, +To guard its leader from fell bane, +And then reveng'd itself again. 805 +And though the sword (some understood) +In force had much the odds of wood, +'Twas nothing so; both sides were ballanc't +So equal, none knew which was valiant'st: +For wood with Honour b'ing engag'd, 810 +Is so implacably enrag'd, +Though iron hew and mangle sore, +Wood wounds and bruises Honour more. +And now both Knights were out of breath, +Tir'd in the hot pursuit of death; 815 +While all the rest amaz'd stood still, +Expecting which should take or kill. +This HUDIBRAS observ'd; and fretting +Conquest should be so long a getting, +He drew up all his force into 820 +One body, and that into one blow. +But TALGOL wisely avoided it +By cunning sleight; for had it hit, +The upper part of him the blow +Had slit as sure as that below. 825 + +Meanwhile th' incomparable COLON, +To aid his friend, began to fall on. +Him RALPH encounter'd, and straight grew +A dismal combat 'twixt them two: +Th' one arm'd with metal, th' other with wood; 830 +This fit for bruise, and that for blood. +With many a stiff thwack, many a bang, +Hard crab-tree and old iron rang; +While none that saw them cou'd divine +To which side conquest would incline, 835 +Until MAGNANO, who did envy +That two should with so many men vie, +By subtle stratagem of brain, +Perform'd what force could ne'er attain; +For he, by foul hap, having found 840 +Where thistles grew on barren ground, +In haste he drew his weapon out, +And having cropp'd them from the root, +He clapp'd them underneath the tail +Of steed, with pricks as sharp as nail. 845 +The angry beast did straight resent +The wrong done to his fundament; +Began to kick, and fling, and wince, +As if h' had been beside his sense, +Striving to disengage from thistle, 850 +That gall'd him sorely under his tail: +Instead of which, he threw the pack +Of Squire and baggage from his back; +And blund'ring still with smarting rump, +He gave the Knight's steed such a thump 855 +As made him reel. The Knight did stoop, +And sat on further side aslope. +This TALGOL viewing, who had now +By sleight escap'd the fatal blow, +He rally'd, and again fell to't; 860 +For catching foe by nearer foot, +He lifted with such might and strength, +As would have hurl'd him thrice his length, +And dash'd his brains (if any) out: +But MARS, that still protects the stout, 865 +In pudding-time came to his aid, +And under him the Bear convey'd; +The Bear, upon whose soft fur-gown +The Knight with all his weight fell down. +The friendly rug preserv'd the ground, 870 +And headlong Knight, from bruise or wound; +Like feather-bed betwixt a wall +And heavy brunt of cannon-ball. +As Sancho on a blanket fell, +And had no hurt, our's far'd as well 875 +In body; though his mighty spirit, +B'ing heavy, did not so well bear it, +The Bear was in a greater fright, +Beat down and worsted by the Knight. +He roar'd, and rak'd, and flung about, 880 +To shake off bondage from his snout. +His wrath inflam'd, boil'd o'er, and from +His jaws of death he threw the foam: +Fury in stranger postures threw him, +And more than herald ever drew him. 885 +He tore the earth which he had sav'd +From squelch of Knight, and storm'd and rav'd, +And vext the more because the harms +He felt were 'gainst the law of arms: +For men he always took to be 890 +His friends, and dogs the enemy; +Who never so much hurt had done him, +As his own side did falling on him. +It griev'd him to the guts that they +For whom h' had fought so many a fray, 895 +And serv'd with loss of blood so long, +Shou'd offer such inhuman wrong; +Wrong of unsoldier-like condition; +For which he flung down his commission; +And laid about him, till his nose 900 +From thrall of ring and cord broke loose. +Soon as he felt himself enlarg'd, +Through thickest of his foes he charg'd, +And made way through th' amazed crew; +Some he o'erran, and some o'erthrew, 905 +But took none; for by hasty flight +He strove t' escape pursuit of Knight; +From whom he fled with as much haste +And dread as he the rabble chas'd. +In haste he fled, and so did they; 910 +Each and his fear a several way. + +CROWDERO only kept the field; +Not stirring from the place he held; +Though beaten down and wounded sore, +I' th' fiddle, and a leg that bore 915 +One side of him; not that of bone, +But much it's better, th' wooden one. +He spying HUDIBRAS lie strow'd +Upon the ground, like log of wood, +With fright of fall, supposed wound, 920 +And loss of urine, in a swound, +In haste he snatch'd the wooden limb, +That hurt i' the ankle lay by him, +And fitting it for sudden fight, +Straight drew it up t' attack the Knight; 925 +For getting up on stump and huckle, +He with the foe began to buckle; +Vowing to be reveng'd for breach +Of crowd and skin upon the wretch, +Sole author of all detriment 930 +He and his fiddle underwent. + +But RALPHO (who had now begun +T' adventure resurrection +From heavy squelch, and had got up +Upon his legs, with sprained crup) 935 +Looking about, beheld pernicion +Approaching Knight from fell musician. +He snatch'd his whinyard up, that fled +When he was falling off his steed, +(As rats do from a falling house,) 940 +To hide itself from rage of blows; +And, wing'd with speed and fury, flew +To rescue Knight from black and blew; +Which, e'er he cou'd atchieve, his sconce +The leg encounter'd twice and once; 945 +And now 'twas rais'd to smite agen, +When RALPHO thrust himself between. +He took the blow upon his arm, +To shield the Knight from further harm; +And, joining wrath with force, bestow'd 950 +On th' wooden member such a load, +That down it fell, and with it bore +CROWDERO, whom it propp'd before. +To him the Squire right nimbly run, +And setting conquering foot upon 955 +His trunk, thus spoke: What desp'rate frenzy +Made thee (thou whelp of Sin!) to fancy +Thyself, and all that coward rabble, +T' encounter us in battle able? +How durst th', I say, oppose thy curship 960 +'Gainst arms, authority, and worship? +And HUDIBRAS or me provoke, +Though all thy limbs, were heart of oke, +And th' other half of thee as good +To bear out blows, as that of wood? 965 +Cou'd not the whipping-post prevail +With all its rhet'ric, nor the jail, +To keep from flaying scourge thy skin, +And ankle free from iron gin? +Which now thou shalt -- But first our care 970 +Must see how HUDIBRAS doth fare. +This said, he gently rais'd the Knight, +And set him on his bum upright. +To rouse him from lethargic dump, +He tweak'd his nose; with gentle thump 975 +Knock'd on his breast, as if 't had been +To raise the spirits lodg'd within. +They, waken'd with the noise, did fly +From inward room to window eye, +And gently op'ning lid, the casement, 980 +Look'd out, but yet with some amazement. +This gladded RALPHO much to see, +Who thus bespoke the Knight: quoth he, +Tweaking his nose, You are, great Sir, +A self-denying conqueror; 985 +As high, victorious, and great, +As e'er fought for the Churches yet, +If you will give yourself but leave +To make out what y' already have; +That's victory. The foe, for dread 990 +Of your nine-worthiness, is fled: +All, save CROWDERO, for whose sake +You did th' espous'd Cause undertake; +And he lies pris'ner at your feet, +To be dispos'd as you think meet; 995 +Either for life, or death, or sale, +The gallows, or perpetual jail; +For one wink of your powerful eye +Must sentence him to live or die. +His fiddle is your proper purchase, 1000 +Won in the service of the Churches; +And by your doom must be allow'd +To be, or be no more, a crowd. +For though success did not confer +Just title on the conqueror; 1005 +Though dispensations were not strong +Conclusions, whether right or wrong, +Although out-goings did confirm, +And owning were but a mere term; +Yet as the wicked have no right 1010 +To th' creature, though usurp'd by might, +The property is in the Saint, +From whom th' injuriously detain 't; +Of him they hold their luxuries, +Their dogs, their horses, whores, and dice, 1015 +Their riots, revels, masks, delights, +Pimps, buffoons, fiddlers, parasites; +All which the Saints have title to, +And ought t' enjoy, if th' had their due. +What we take from them is no more 1020 +Than what was our's by right before; +For we are their true landlords still, +And they our tenants but at will. +At this the Knight began to rouze, +And by degrees grow valorous. 1025 +He star'd about, and seeing none +Of all his foes remain, but one, +He snatch'd his weapon, that lay near him, +And from the ground began to rear him; +Vowing to make CROWDERO pay 1030 +For all the rest that ran away. +But RALPHO now, in colder blood, +His fury mildly thus withstood: +Great Sir, quoth he, your mighty spirit +Is rais'd too high: this slave does merit 1035 +To be the hangman's bus'ness, sooner +Than from your hand to have the honour +Of his destruction. I, that am +A nothingness in deed and name +Did scorn to hurt his forfeit carcase, 1040 +Or ill intreat his fiddle or case: +Will you, great Sir, that glory blot +In cold blood which you gain'd in hot? +Will you employ your conqu'ring sword +To break a fiddle and your word? 1045 +For though I fought, and overcame, +And quarter gave, 'twas in your name. +For great commanders only own +What's prosperous by the soldier done. +To save, where you have pow'r to kill, 1050 +Argues your pow'r above your will; +And that your will and pow'r have less +Than both might have of selfishness. +This pow'r which, now alive, with dread +He trembles at, if he were dead, 1055 +Wou'd no more keep the slave in awe, +Than if you were a Knight of straw: +For death would then be his conqueror; +Not you, and free him from that terror. +If danger from his life accrue; 1060 +Or honour from his death, to you, +'Twere policy, and honour too, +To do as you resolv'd to do: +But, Sir, 'twou'd wrong your valour much, +To say it needs or fears a crutch. 1065 +Great conquerors greater glory gain +By foes in triumph led, than slain: +The laurels that adorn their brows +Are pull'd from living not dead boughs, +And living foes: the greatest fame 1070 +Of cripple slain can be but lame. +One half of him's already slain, +The other is not worth your pain; +Th' honour can but on one side light, +As worship did, when y' were dubb'd Knight. 1075 +Wherefore I think it better far +To keep him prisoner of war; +And let him fast in bonds abide, +At court of Justice to be try'd; +Where, if he appear so bold and crafty, 1080 +There may be danger in his safety. +If any member there dislike +His face, or to his beard have pique; +Or if his death will save or yield, +Revenge or fright, it is reveal'd. 1085 +Though he has quarter, ne'er the less +Y' have power to hang him when you please. +This has been often done by some +Of our great conqu'rors, you know whom; +And has by most of us been held 1090 +Wise Justice, and to some reveal'd. +For words and promises, that yoke +The conqueror, are quickly broke; +Like SAMPSON's cuffs, though by his own +Direction and advice put on. 1095 +For if we should fight for the CAUSE +By rules of military laws, +And only do what they call just, +The Cause would quickly fall to dust. +This we among ourselves may speak; 1100 +But to the wicked, or the weak, +We must be cautious to declare +Perfection-truths, such as these are. + +This said, the high outrageous mettle +Of Knight began to cool and settle. 1105 +He lik'd the Squire's advice, and soon +Resolv'd to see the business done +And therefore charg'd him first to bind +CROWDERO'S hands on rump behind, +And to its former place and use, 1110 +The wooden member to reduce +But force it take an oath before, +Ne'er to bear arms against him more. + +RALPHO dispatch'd with speedy haste, +And having ty'd CROWDERO fast, 1115 +He gave Sir Knight the end of cord, +To lead the captive of his sword +In triumph, whilst the steeds he caught, +And them to further service brought. +The Squire in state rode on before, 1120 +And on his nut-brown whinyard bore +The trophee-fiddle and the case, +Leaning on shoulder like a mace. +The Knight himself did after ride, +Leading CROWDERO by his side; 1125 +And tow'd him, if he lagg'd behind, +Like boat against the tide and wind. +Thus grave and solemn they march'd on, +Until quite thro' the town th' had gone; +At further end of which there stands 1130 +An ancient castle, that commands +Th' adjacent parts: in all the fabrick +You shall not see one stone nor a brick; +But all of wood; by pow'rful spell +Of magic made impregnable. 1135 +There's neither iron-bar nor gate, +Portcullis, chain, nor bolt, nor grate, +And yet men durance there abide, +In dungeon scarce three inches wide; +With roof so low, that under it 1140 +They never stand, but lie or sit; +And yet so foul, that whoso is in, +Is to the middle-leg in prison; +In circle magical conflu'd, +With walls of subtile air and wind, 1145 +Which none are able to break thorough, +Until they're freed by head of borough. +Thither arriv'd, th' advent'rous Knight +And bold Squire from their steeds alight +At th' outward wall, near which there stands 1150 +A bastile, built to imprison hands; +By strange enchantment made to fetter +The lesser parts and free the greater; +For though the body may creep through, +The hands in grate are fast enough: 1155 +And when a circle 'bout the wrist +Is made by beadle exorcist, +The body feels the spur and switch, +As if 'twere ridden post by witch +At twenty miles an hour pace, 1160 +And yet ne'er stirs out of the place. +On top of this there is a spire, +On which Sir Knight first bids the Squire +The fiddle and its spoils, the case, +In manner of a trophee place. 1165 +That done, they ope the trap-door gate, +And let CROWDERO down thereat; +CROWDERO making doleful face, +Like hermit poor in pensive place. +To dungeon they the wretch commit, 1170 +And the survivor of his feet +But th' other, that had broke the peace +And head of Knighthood, they release; +Though a delinquent false and forged, +Yet be'ing a stranger, he's enlarged; 1175 +While his comrade, that did no hurt, +Is clapp'd up fast in prison for't. +So Justice, while she winks at crimes, +Stumbles on innocence sometimes. + + + +NOTES TO PART I. CANTO II. + + +47 x That is to say, whether Tollulation, + As they do term't, or Succussation. +Tollulation and succussation are only Latin words for ambling +and trotting; though I believe both were natural amongst the old +Romans; since I never read they made use of the trammel, or +any other art, to pace their horses. + +60 y As Indian Britons, &c.] The American Indians call a great +bird they have, with a white head, a penguin, which signifies the +same thing in the British tongue: from whence (with other +words of the same kind) some authors have endeavoured to +prove, that the Americans are originally derived from the +Britons. + +65 z The dire, &c.] Pharsalia is a city of Thessaly, famous for +the battle won by Julius Caesar against Pompey the Great, in +the neighbouring plains, in the 607th year of Rome, of which +read Lucan's Pharsalia. + +129 a Chiron, the &c.] Chiron, a Centaur, son to Saturn and +Phillyris, living in the mountains, where, being much given to +hunting, he became very knowing in the virtues of plants and +one of the most famous physicians of his time. He imparted his +skill to AEsculapius and was afterwards Apollo's governor, +until being wounded by Hercules, and desiring to die, Jupiter +placed him in heaven, where he forms the sign of Sagittarius or +the Archer. + +133 b In Staffordshire, where virtuous Worth + Does raise the Minstrelsy, not Birth, &c. +The whole history of this ancient ceremony you may read at +large in Dr. Plot's History of Staffordshire, under the town +Tutbury. + +155 c Grave as, &c.] For the history of Pegu, read Mandelsa +and Olearius's Travels. + +172 In military, &c.] Paris Garden, in Southwark, took its name +from the possessor. + +231 Though by, &c.] Promethean fire. Prometheus was the son +of Iapetus, and brother of Atlas, concerning whom the poets +have feigned, that having first formed men of the earth and +water, he stole fire from heaven to put life into them; and that +having thereby displeased Jupiter, he commanded Vulcan to tie +him to mount Caucasus with iron chains, and that a vulture +should prey upon his liver continually: but the truth of the story +is, that Prometheus was an astrologer, and constant in observing +the stars upon that mountain; and, that, among other things, he +found the art of making fire, either by the means of a flint, or by +contracting the sun-beams in a glass. Bochart will have Magog, +in the Scripture, to be the Prometheus of the Pagans. + +He here and before sarcastically derides those who were great +admirers of the sympathetic powder and weapon salve, which +were in great repute in those days, and much promoted by the +great Sir Kenelm Digby, who wrote a treatise ex professo [of his +own knowledge] on that subject, and, I believe, thought what he +wrote to be true, which since has been almost exploded out of +the world. + +267 And 'mong, &c.] Cossacks are a people that live near +Poland. This name was given them for their extraordinary +nimbleness; for cosa, or kosa, in the Polish tongue, signifies a +goat. He that would know more of them, may read Le Laboreur +and Thuldenus. + +275 And tho', &c.] This custom of the Huns is described by +Ammianus Marcellinus, Hunni semicruda cujusvis Pecoris +carne vescuntur, quasi inter femora sua & equorum terga +subsertam, calefacient brevi. P. 686. [The Huns stoutheartedly +eat half-raw meat, which is warned briefly by being hedl +between their thighs and their hoeses' backs.] + +283 - -- He spous'd in India, + Of noble House, a Lady gay. +The Story in Le Blanc, of a bear that married a king's daughter, +is no more strange than many others, in most travellers, that +pass with allowance; for if they should write nothing but what is +possible, or probable, they might appear to have lost their +labour, and observed nothing but what they might have done as +well at home. + +343 In MAGIC he was deeply read, + As he that made the Brazen-Head; + Profoundly skill'd in the Black Art; + As ENGLISH MERLIN for his Heart. +Roger Bacon and Merlin. See Collier's Dictionary. + +368 d As JOAN, &c.] Two notorious women; the last was +known here by the name of Moll Cutpurse. + +378 e Than the Amazonian, &c.] Penthesile, Queen of the +Amazons, succeeded Orythia. She carried succours to the +Trojans, and after having given noble proofs of her bravery, was +killed by Achilles. Pliny saith, it was she that invented the +battle-ax. If any one desire to know more of the Amazons, let +him read Mr. Sanson. + +385 f They wou'd not suffer the stout'st Dame + To swear by HERCULES's Name. +The old Romans had particular oaths for men and women to +swear by, and therefore Macrobius says, Viri per Castorum non +jurabant antiquitus, nec Mulieres per Herculem; AEdepol +autem juramentum erat tum mulieribus, quam viris commune, +&c. [Men did not swear by Castor in ancient times, nor women +by Hercules; however women swore by AEdepol as much as +men did.] + +393 g As stout, &c.] Two formidable women at arms, in +romances, that were cudgelled into love by their gallants. + +395 h Of GUNDIBERT &c.] Gundibert is a feigned name, +made use of by Sir William d' Avenant in his famous epic poem, +so called; wherein you may find also that of his mistress. This +poem was designed by the author to be an imitation of the +English Drama: it being divided into five books, as the other is +into five acts; the Cantos to be parallel of the scenes, with this +difference, that this is delivered narratively, the other +dialoguewise. It was ushered into the world by a large preface, +written by Mr. Hobbes, and by the pens of two of our best +poets, viz. Mr. Waller and Mr. Cowley, which one would have +thought might have proved a sufficient defence and protection +against snarling critics. Notwithstanding which, four eminent +wits of that age (two of which were Sir John Denham and Mr. +Donne) published several copies of verses to Sir William's +discredit, under this title, Certain Verses written by several of +the Author's Friends, to be reprinted with the second Edition of +Gundibert in 8vo. Lond. 1653. These verses were as wittily +answered by the author, under this title, The incomparable +Poem of Gundibert vindicated from the Wit Combat of four +Esquires, Clinias, Damoetas, Sancho, and Jack-Pudding; +printed in 8vo. Lond. 1665, Vide Langbain's Account of +Dramatic Poets. + +496 i What OEstrum, &c.] OEstrum is not only a Greek word +for madness, but signifies also a gad-bee or horse-fly, that +torments cattle in the summer, and makes them run about as if +they were mad. + +525 k Wore in their Hats, &c.] Some few days after the King +had accus'd the five Members of Treason in the House of +Commons, great Crowds of the rabble came down to +Westminster-Hall, with printed copies of the Protestation tied in +their hats like favours. + +526 l When 'twas resolv'd by either House + Six Members Quarrel to espouse. +The six Members were the Lord Kimbolton, Mr. Pym, Mr. +Hollis, Mr. Hampden, Sir Arthur Haslerig, and Mr. Stroud, +whom the King ordered to be apprehended, and their papers +seized; charging them of plotting with the Scots, and favouring +the late tumults; but the House voted against the arrest of their +persons or papers; whereupon the King having preferred articles +against those Members, he went with his guard to the House to +demand them; but they, having notice, withdrew. + +578 m Make that, &c.] Abusive or insulting had been better; but +our Knight believed the learned language more convenient to +understand in than his own Mother-tongue. + +650 n And is indeed the self same Case + With theirs that swore t' Et caeteras. +The Convocation, in one of the short Parliaments, that ushered +in the long one, (as dwarfs are wont to do knights-errant,) made +an oath to be taken by the clergy for observing canonical +obedience; in which they enjoined their brethren, out of the +abundance of their consciences, to swear to articles with, &c. + +652 o Or the French League, in which men vow'd + To fight to the last Drop of Blood. +The Holy League in France, designed and made for the +extirpation of the Protestant Religion, was the original out of +which the Solemn League and Covenant here was (with the +difference only of circumstances) most faithfully transcribed. +Nor did the success of both differ more than the intent and +purpose; for after the destruction of vast numbers of people of +all sorts, both ended with the murder of two Kings, whom they +had both sworn to defend: And as our Covenanters swore every +man to run one before another in the way of Reformation, so did +the French, in the Holy League, to fight to the last drop of +blood. + + + +PART I. + + +CANTO III. + + +THE ARGUMENT. + +------------------------------------------------- +The scatter'd rout return and rally, +Surround the place; the Knight does sally, +And is made pris'ner: Then they seize +Th' inchanted fort by storm; release +Crowdero, and put the Squire in's place; +I should have first said Hudibras. +------------------------------------------------- + + +Ah me! what perils do environ +The man that meddles with cold iron! +What plaguy mischiefs and mishaps +Do dog him still with after-claps! +For though dame Fortune seem to smile 5 +And leer upon him for a while, +She'll after shew him, in the nick +Of all his glories, a dog-trick. +This any man may sing or say, +I' th' ditty call'd, What if a Day? 10 +For HUDIBRAS, who thought h' had won +The field, as certain as a gun; +And having routed the whole troop, +With victory was cock a-hoop; +Thinking h' had done enough to purchase 15 +Thanksgiving-day among the Churches, +Wherein his mettle, and brave worth, +Might be explain'd by Holder-forth, +And register'd, by fame eternal, +In deathless pages of diurnal; 20 +Found in few minutes, to his cost, +He did but count without his host; +And that a turn-stile is more certain +Than, in events of war, dame Fortune. + +For now the late faint-hearted rout, 25 +O'erthrown, and scatter'd round about, +Chas'd by the horror of their fear +From bloody fray of Knight and Bear, +(All but the dogs, who, in pursuit +Of the Knight's victory, stood to't, 30 +And most ignobly fought to get +The honour of his blood and sweat,) +Seeing the coast was free and clear +O' th' conquer'd and the conqueror, +Took heart again, and fac'd about, 35 +As if they meant to stand it out: +For by this time the routed Bear, +Attack'd by th' enemy i' th' rear, +Finding their number grew too great +For him to make a safe retreat, 40 +Like a bold chieftain, fac'd about; +But wisely doubting to hold out, +Gave way to Fortune, and with haste +Fac'd the proud foe, and fled, and fac'd; +Retiring still, until he found 45 +H' had got the advantage of the ground; +And then as valiantly made head +To check the foe, and forthwith fled; +Leaving no art untry'd, nor trick +Of warrior stout and politick, 50 +Until, in spite of hot pursuit, +He gain'd a pass to hold dispute +On better terms, and stop the course +Of the proud foe. With all his force +He bravely charg'd, and for a while 55 +Forc'd their whole body to recoil; +But still their numbers so increas'd, +He found himself at length oppress'd, +And all evasions, so uncertain, +To save himself for better fortune, 60 +That he resolv'd, rather than yield, +To die with honour in the field, +And sell his hide and carcase at +A price as high and desperate +As e'er he could. This resolution 65 +He forthwith put in execution, +And bravely threw himself among +The enemy i' th' greatest throng. +But what cou'd single valour do +Against so numerous a foe? 70 +Yet much he did indeed, too much +To be believ'd, where th' odds were such. +But one against a multitude +Is more than mortal can make good. +For while one party he oppos'd, 75 +His rear was suddenly inclos'd; +And no room left him for retreat, +Or fight against a foe so great. +For now the mastives, charging home, +To blows and handy gripes were come: 80 +While manfully himself he bore, +And setting his right-foot before, +He rais'd himself, to shew how tall +His person was above them all. +This equal shame and envy stirr'd 85 +In th' enemy, that one should beard +So many warriors, and so stout, +As he had done, and stav'd it out, +Disdaining to lay down his arms, +And yield on honourable terms. 90 +Enraged thus, some in the rear +Attack'd him, and some ev'ry where, +Till down he fell; yet falling fought, +And, being down, still laid about; +As WIDDRINGTON, in doleful dumps, 95 +Is said to light upon his stumps. + +But all, alas! had been in vain, +And he inevitably slain, +If TRULLA and CERDON, in the nick, +To rescue him had not been quick; 100 +For TRULLA, who was light of foot +As shafts which long-field Parthians shoot, +(But not so light as to be borne +Upon the ears of standing corn, +Or trip it o'er the water quicker 105 +Than witches, when their staves they liquor, +As some report,) was got among +The foremost of the martial throng; +There pitying the vanquish'd Bear, +She call'd to CERDON, who stood near, 110 +Viewing the bloody fight; to whom, +Shall we (quoth she) stand still hum-drum, +And see stout Bruin all alone, +By numbers basely overthrown? +Such feats already h' has atchiev'd, 115 +In story not to be believ'd; +And 'twould to us be shame enough, +Not to attempt to fetch him off. +I would (quoth he) venture a limb +To second thee, and rescue him: 120 +But then we must about it straight, +Or else our aid will come too late. +Quarter he scorns, he is so stout, +And therefore cannot long hold out. +This said, they wav'd their weapons round 125 +About their heads, to clear the ground; +And joining forces, laid about +So fiercely, that th' amazed rout +Turn'd tale again, and straight begun, +As if the Devil drove, to run. 130 +Meanwhile th' approach'd th' place where Bruin +Was now engag'd to mortal ruin. +The conqu'ring foe they soon assail'd; +First TRULLA <p> stav'd, and CERDON tail'd, +Until their mastives loos'd their hold: 135 +And yet, alas! do what they could, +The worsted Bear came off with store +Of bloody wounds, but all before: +For as ACHILLES, dipt in pond, +Was ANABAPTIZ'D free from wound, 140 +Made proof against dead-doing steel +All over, but the Pagan heel; +So did our champion's arms defend +All of him, but the other end, +His head and ears, which, in the martial 145 +Encounter, lost a leathern parcel +For as an Austrian Archduke once +Had one ear (which in ducatoons +Is half the coin) in battle par'd +Close to his head, so Bruin far'd; 150 +But tugg'd and pull'd on th' other side, +Like scriv'ner newly crucify'd; +Or like the late <q> corrected leathern +Ears of the Circumcised Brethren. +But gentle TRULLA into th' ring 155 +He wore in's nose convey'd a string, +With which she march'd before, and led +The warrior to a grassy bed, +As authors write, in a cool shade, +Which eglantine and roses made; 160 +Close by a softly murm'ring stream, +Where lovers us'd to loll and dream. +There leaving him to his repose, +Secured from pursuit of foes, +And wanting nothing but a song, 165 +And a well-tun'd theorbo hung +Upon a bough, to ease the pain +His tugg'd ears suffer'd, with a strain, +They both drew up, to march in quest +Of his great leader and the rest. 170 + +For ORSIN (who was more renown'd +For stout maintaining of his ground +In standing fight, than for pursuit, +As being not so quick of foot) +Was not long able to keep pace 175 +With others that pursu'd the chace; +But found himself left far behind, +Both out of heart and out of wind: +Griev'd to behold his Bear pursu'd +So basely by a multitude; 180 +And like to fall, not by the prowess, +But numbers of his coward foes. +He rag'd, and kept as heavy a coil as +Stout HERCULES for loss of HYLAS; +Forcing the vallies to repeat 185 +The accents of his sad regret. +He beat his breast, and tore his hair, +For loss of his dear Crony Bear; +That Eccho, from the hollow ground, +His doleful wailings did resound 190 +More wistfully, by many times, +Than in small poets splay-foot rhimes +That make her, in their rueful stories +To answer to int'rogatories, +And most unconscionably depose 195 +To things of which she nothing knows; +And when she has said all she can say, +'Tis wrested to the lover's fancy. +Quoth he, O whither, wicked Bruin +Art thou fled to my -- Eccho, Ruin? 200 +I thought th' hadst scorn'd to budge a step +For fear. (Quoth Eccho) Marry guep. +Am not I here to take thy part? +Then what has quelled thy stubborn heart? +Have these bones rattled, and this head 205 +So often in thy quarrel bled? +Nor did I ever winch or grudge it, +For thy dear sake. (Quoth she) Mum budget +Think'st thou 'twill not be laid i' th' dish +Thou turn'dst thy back? Quoth Eccho, Fish. 210 +To run from those t'hast overcome +Thus cowardly? Quoth Eccho, Mum. +But what a vengeance makes thee fly +From me too, as thine enemy? +Or if thou hast no thought of me, 215 +Nor what I have endur'd for thee, +Yet shame and honour might prevail +To keep thee thus from turning tail: +For who would grudge to spend his blood in +His honour's cause? Quoth she, A puddin. 220 +This said, his grief to anger turn'd, +Which in his manly stomach burn'd; +Thirst of revenge, and wrath, in place +Of sorrow, now began to blaze. +He vow'd the authors of his woe 225 +Should equal vengeance undergo; +And with their bones and flesh pay dear +For what he suffer'd, and his Bear. +This b'ing resolv'd, with equal speed +And rage he hasted to proceed 230 +To action straight, and giving o'er +To search for Bruin any more, +He went in quest of HUDIBRAS, +To find him out where-e'er he was; +And, if he were above ground, vow'd 235 +He'd ferret him, lurk where be wou'd. + +But scarce had he a furlong on +This resolute adventure gone, +When he encounter'd with that crew +Whom HUDIBRAS did late subdue. 240 +Honour, revenge, contempt, and shame, +Did equally their breasts inflame. +'Mong these the fierce MAGNANO was, +And TALGOL, foe to HUDIBRAS; +CERDON and COLON, warriors stout, 245 +As resolute, as ever fought; +Whom furious ORSIN thus bespoke: +Shall we (quoth be) thus basely brook +The vile affront that paltry ass, +And feeble scoundrel, HUDIBRAS, 250 +With that more paltry ragamuffin, +RALPHO, with vapouring and huffing, +Have put upon us like tame cattle, +As if th' had routed us in battle? +For my part, it shall ne'er be said, 255 +I for the washing gave my bead: +Nor did I turn my back for fear +O' th' rascals, but loss of my Bear, +Which now I'm like to undergo; +For whether those fell wounds, or no 260 +He has receiv'd in fight, are mortal, +Is more than all my skill can foretell +Nor do I know what is become +Of him, more than the Pope of Rome. +But if I can but find them out 265 +That caus'd it (as I shall, no doubt, +Where-e'er th' in hugger-mugger lurk) +I'll make them rue their handy-work; +And wish that they had rather dar'd +To pull the Devil by the beard. 270 + +Quoth CERD0N, Noble ORSIN, th' hast +Great reason to do as thou say'st, +And so has ev'ry body here, +As well as thou hast, or thy Bear. +Others may do as they see good; 275 +But if this twig be made of wood +That will hold tack, I'll make the fur +Fly 'bout the ears of that old cur; +And the other mungrel vermin, RALPH, +That brav'd us all in his behalf. 280 +Thy Bear is safe, and out of peril, +Though lugg'd indeed, and wounded very ill; +Myself and TRULLA made a shift +To help him out at a dead lift; +And, having brought him bravely off, 285 +Have left him where he's safe enough: +There let him rest; for if we stay, +The slaves may hap to get away. + +This said, they all engag'd to join +Their forces in the same design; 290 +And forthwith put themselves in search +Of HUDIBRAS upon their march. +Where leave we awhile, to tell +What the victorious knight befel. +For such, CROWDERO being fast 295 +In dungeon shut, we left him last. +Triumphant laurels seem'd to grow +No where so green as on his brow; +Laden with which, as well as tir'd +With conquering toil, he now retir'd 300 +Unto a neighb'ring castle by, +To rest his body, and apply +Fit med'cines to each glorious bruise +He got in fight, reds, blacks, and blues, +To mollify th' uneasy pang 305 +Of ev'ry honourable bang, +Which b'ing by skilful midwife drest, +He laid him down to take his rest. +But all in vain. H' had got a hurt +O' th' inside, of a deadlier sort, 310 +By CUPID made, who took his stand +Upon a Widow's jointure land, +(For he, in all his am'rous battels, +No 'dvantage finds like goods and chattels,) +Drew home his bow, and, aiming right, 315 +Let fly an arrow at the Knight: +The shaft against a rib did glance, +And gall'd him in the purtenance. +But time had somewhat 'swag'd his pain, +After he found his suit in vain. 320 +For that proud dame, for whom his soul +Was burnt in's belly like a coal, +(That belly which so oft did ake +And suffer griping for her sake, +Till purging comfits and ants-eggs 325 +Had almost brought him off his legs,) +Us'd him so like a base rascallion, +That <r> old Pyg -- (what d'y' call him) malion, +That cut his mistress out of stone, +Had not so hard a-hearted one. 330 +She had a thousand jadish tricks, +Worse than a mule that flings and kicks; +'Mong which one cross-grain'd freak she had, +As insolent as strange and mad; +She could love none, but only such 335 +As scorn'd and hated her as much. +'Twas a strange riddle of a lady: +Not love, if any lov'd her! Hey dey! +So cowards never use their might, +But against such as will not fight; 340 +So some diseases have been found +Only to seize upon the sound. +He that gets her by heart, must say her +The back way, like a witch's prayer. +Mean while the Knight had no small task 345 +To compass what he durst not ask. +He loves, but dares not make the motion; +Her ignorance is his devotion: +Like caitiff vile, that, for misdeed, +Rides with his face to rump of steed, 350 +Or rowing scull, he's fain to love, +Look one way, and another move; +Or like a tumbler, that does play +His game, and look another way, +Until he seize upon the cony; 355 +Just so he does by matrimony: +But all in vain; her subtle snout +Did quickly wind his meaning out; +Which she return'd with too much scorn +To be by man of honour borne: 360 +Yet much he bore, until the distress +He suffer'd from his spightful mistress +Did stir his stomach; and the pain +He had endur'd from her disdain, +Turn'd to regret so resolute, 365 +That he resolv'd to wave his suit, +And either to renounce her quite, +Or for a while play least in sight. +This resolution b'ing put on, +He kept some months, and more had done; 370 +But being brought so nigh by Fate, +The victory he atchiev'd so late +Did set his thoughts agog, and ope +A door to discontinu'd hope, +That seem'd to promise he might win 375 +His dame too, now his hand was in; +And that his valour, and the honour +H' had newly gain'd, might work upon her. +These reasons made his mouth to water +With am'rous longings to be at her. 380 + +Quoth he, unto himself, Who knows, +But this brave conquest o'er my foes +May reach her heart, and make that stoop, +As I but now have forc'd the troop? +If nothing can oppugn love, 385 +And virtue invious ways can prove, +What may he not confide to do +That brings both love and virtue too? +But thou bring'st valour too and wit; +Two things that seldom fail to hit. 390 +Valour's a mouse-trap, wit a gin, +Which women oft are taken in. +Then, HUDIBRAS, why should'st thou fear +To be, that art a conqueror? +Fortune th' audacious doth juvare, 395 +But lets the timidous miscarry. +Then while the honour thou hast got +Is spick and span new, piping hot, +Strike her up bravely, thou hadst best, +And trust thy fortune with the rest. 400 +Such thoughts as these the Knight did keep, +More than his bangs or fleas, from sleep. +And as an owl, that in a barn +Sees a mouse creeping in the corn, +Sits still, and shuts his round blue eyes, 405 +As if he slept, until he spies +The little beast within his reach, +Then starts, and seizes on the wretch; +So from his couch the Knight did start +To seize upon the widow's heart; 410 +Crying with hasty tone, and hoarse, +RALPHO, dispatch; To Horse, To Horse. +And 'twas but time; for now the rout, +We left engag'd to seek him out, +By speedy marches, were advanc'd 415 +Up to the fort, where he ensconc'd; +And all th' avenues had possest +About the place, from east to west. + +That done, a while they made a halt, +To view the ground, and where t' assault: 420 +Then call'd a council, which was best, +By siege or onslaught, to invest +The enemy; and 'twas agreed, +By storm and onslaught to proceed. +This b'ing resolv'd, in comely sort 425 +They now drew up t' attack the fort; +When HUDIBRAS, about to enter +Upon another-gates adventure, +To RALPHO call'd aloud to arm, +Not dreaming of approaching storm. 430 +Whether Dame Fortune, or the care +Of Angel bad or tutelar, +Did arm, or thrust him on a danger +To which he was an utter stranger; +That foresight might, or might not, blot 435 +The glory he had newly got; +For to his shame it might be said, +They took him napping in his bed; +To them we leave it to expound, +That deal in sciences profound. 440 + +His courser scarce he had bestrid, +And RALPHO that on which he rid, +When setting ope the postern gate, +Which they thought best to sally at, +The foe appear'd, drawn up and drill'd, 445 +Ready to charge them in the field. +This somewhat startled the bold Knight, +Surpriz'd with th' unexpected sight. +The bruises of his bones and flesh +The thought began to smart afresh; 450 +Till recollecting wonted courage, +His fear was soon converted to rage, +And thus he spoke: The coward foe, +Whom we but now gave quarter to, +Look, yonder's rally'd, and appears 455 +As if they had out-run their fears. +The glory we did lately get, +The Fates command us to repeat; +And to their wills we must succumb, +Quocunque trahunt, 'tis our doom. 460 +This is the same numeric crew +Which we so lately did subdue; +The self-same individuals that +Did run as mice do from a cat, +When we courageously did wield 465 +Our martial weapons in the field +To tug for victory; and when +We shall our shining blades agen +Brandish in terror o'er our heads, +They'll straight resume their wonted dreads. 470 +Fear is an ague, that forsakes +And haunts by fits those whom it takes: +And they'll opine they feel the pain +And blows they felt to-day again. +Then let us boldly charge them home, 475 +And make no doubt to overcome. + +This said, his courage to inflame, +He call'd upon his mistress' name. +His pistol next he cock'd a-new, +And out his nut-brown whinyard drew; 480 +And, placing RALPHO in the front, +Reserv'd himself to bear the brunt, +As expert warriors use: then ply'd +With iron heel his courser's side, +Conveying sympathetic speed 485 +From heel of Knight to heel of Steed. + +Mean while the foe, with equal rage +And speed, advancing to engage, +Both parties now were drawn so close, +Almost to come to handy-blows; 490 +When ORSIN first let fly a stone +At RALPHO: not so huge a one +As that which DIOMED did maul +AENEAS on the bum withal +Yet big enough if rightly hurl'd, 495 +T' have sent him to another world, +Whether above-ground, or below, +Which Saints Twice Dipt are destin'd to. +The danger startled the bold Squire, +And made him some few steps retire. 500 +But HUDIBRAS advanc'd to's aid, +And rouz'd his spirits, half dismay'd. +He wisely doubting lest the shot +Of th' enemy, now growing hot, +Might at a distance gall, press'd close, 505 +To come pell-mell to handy-blows, +And, that he might their aim decline, +Advanc'd still in an oblique line; +But prudently forbore to fire, +Till breast to breast he had got nigher, 510 +As expert warriors use to do +When hand to hand they charge their foe. +This order the advent'rous Knight, +Most soldier-like, observ'd in fight, +When fortune (as she's wont) turn'd fickle, 515 +And for the foe began to stickle. +The more shame for her Goody-ship, +To give so near a friend the slip. +For COLON, choosing out a stone, +Levell'd so right, it thump'd upon 520 +His manly paunch with such a force, +As almost beat him off his horse. +He lost his whinyard, and the rein; +But, laying fast hold of the mane, +Preserv'd his seat; and as a goose 525 +In death contracts his talons close, +So did the Knight, and with one claw +The trigger of his pistol draw. +The gun went off: and as it was +Still fatal to stout HUDIBRAS, 530 +In all his feats of arms, when least +He dreamt of it, to prosper best, +So now he far'd: the shot, let fly +At random 'mong the enemy, +Pierc'd TALGOL's gaberdine, and grazing 535 +Upon his shoulder, in the passing, +Lodg'd in MAGNANO's brass habergeon, +Who straight, A Surgeon, cry'd, A Surgeon. +He tumbled down, and, as he fell, +Did Murther, Murther, Murther, yell. 540 +This startled their whole body so, +That if the Knight had not let go +His arms, but been in warlike plight, +H' had won (the second time) the fight; +As, if the Squire had but fall'n on, 545 +He had inevitably done: +But he, diverted with the care +Or HUDIBRAS his hurt, forbare +To press th' advantage of his fortune +While danger did the rest dishearten: 550 +For he with CERDON b'ing engag'd +In close encounter, they both wag'd +The fight so well, 'twas hard to say +Which side was like to get the day. +And now the busy work of death 555 +Had tir'd them so, th' agreed to breath, +Preparing to renew the fight, +When the disaster of the Knight, +And th' other party, did divert +Their fell intent, and forc'd them part. 560 +RALPHO press'd up to HUDIBRAS, +And CERDON where MAGNANO was; +Each striving to confirm his party +With stout encouragements, and hearty. + +Quoth RALIHO, Courage, valiant Sir, 565 +And let revenge and honour stir +Your spirits up: once we fall on, +The shatter'd foe begins to run: +For if but half so well you knew +To use your victory as subdue, 570 +They durst not, after such a blow +As you have given them, face us now; +But from so formidable a soldier +Had fled like crows when they smell powder. +Thrice have they seen your sword aloft 575 +Wav'd o'er their heads, and fled as oft. +But if you let them recollect +Their spirits, now dismay'd and checkt, +You'll have a harder game to play +Than yet y' have had to get the day. 580 + +Thus spoke the stout Squire; but was heard +By HUDIBRAS with small regard. +His thoughts were fuller of the bang +Be lately took than RALPH'S harangue; +To which he answer'd, Cruel Fate 585 +Tells me thy counsel comes too late. +The knotted blood within my hose, +That from my wounded body flows, +With mortal crisis doth portend +My days to appropinque an end. 590 +I am for action now unfit, +Either of fortitude or wit: +Fortune, my foe, begins to frown, +Resolv'd to pull my stomach down. +I am not apt, upon a wound, 595 +Or trivial basting, to despond: +Yet I'd be loth my days to curtail: +For if I thought my wounds not mortal, +Or that we'd time enough as yet, +To make an hon'rable retreat, 600 +'Twere the best course: but if they find +We fly, and leave our arms behind +For them to seize on, the dishonour, +And danger too, is such, I'll sooner +Stand to it boldly, and take quarter, 605 +To let them see I am no starter. +In all the trade of war, no feat +Is nobler than a brave retreat: +For those that run away, and fly, +Take place at least of th' enemy. 610 + +This said, the Squire, with active speed +Dismounted from his bonny steed, +To seize the arms, which, by mischance, +Fell from the bold Knight in a trance. +These being found out, and restor'd 615 +To HUDIBRAS their natural lord, +As a man may say, with might and main, +He hasted to get up again. +Thrice he assay'd to mount aloft, +But, by his weighty bum, as oft 620 +He was pull'd back, till having found +Th' advantage of the rising ground, +Thither he led his warlike steed, +And having plac'd him right, with speed +Prepar'd again to scale the beast, 625 +When ORSIN, who had newly drest +The bloody scar upon the shoulder +Of TALGOL with Promethean powder, +And now was searching for the shot +That laid MAGNANO on the spot, 630 +Beheld the sturdy Squire aforesaid +Preparing to climb up his horse side. +He left his cure, and laying hold +Upon his arms, with courage bold, +Cry'd out, 'Tis now no time to dally, 635 +The enemy begin to rally: +Let us, that are unhurt and whole, +Fall on, and happy man be's dole. + +This said, like to a thunderbolt, +He flew with fury to th' assault, 640 +Striving the enemy to attack +Before he reach'd his horse's back. +RALPHO was mounted now, and gotten +O'erthwart his beast with active vau'ting, +Wrigling his body to recover 645 +His seat, and cast his right leg over, +When ORSIN, rushing in, bestow'd +On horse and man so heavy a load, +The beast was startled, and begun +To kick and fling like mad, and run, 650 +Bearing the tough Squire like a sack, +Or stout king RICHARD, on his back, +'Till stumbling, he threw him down, +Sore bruis'd, and cast into a swoon. +Meanwhile the Knight began to rouze 655 +The sparkles of his wonted prowess. +He thrust his hand into his hose, +And found, both by his eyes and nose, +'Twas only choler, and not blood, +That from his wounded body flow'd. 660 +This, with the hazard of the Squire, +Inflam'd him with despightful ire. +Courageously he fac'd about. +And drew his other pistol out, +And now had half way bent the cock, 665 +When CERDON gave so fierce a shock, +With sturdy truncheon, thwart his arm, +That down it fell, and did no harm; +Then stoutly pressing on with speed, +Assay'd to pull him off his steed. 670 +The Knight his sword had only left, +With which he CERDON'S head had cleft, +Or at the least cropt off a limb, +But ORSIN came, and rescu'd him. +He, with his lance, attack'd the Knight 675 +Upon his quarters opposite. +But as a barque, that in foul weather, +Toss'd by two adverse winds together, +Is bruis'd, and beaten to and fro, +And knows not which to turn him to; 680 +So far'd the Knight between two foes, +And knew not which of them t'oppose; +Till ORSIN, charging with his lance +At HUDIBRAS, by spightful chance, +Hit CERDON such a bang, as stunn'd 685 +And laid him flat upon the ground. +At this the Knight began to chear up, +And, raising up himself on stirrup, +Cry'd out, Victoria! Lie thou there, +And I shall straight dispatch another, 690 +To bear thee company in death: +But first I'll halt a while, and breath: +As well he might; for ORSIN, griev'd +At th' wound that CERDON had receiv'd, +Ran to relieve him with his lore, 695 +And cure the hurt he gave before. +Mean while the Knight had wheel'd about, +To breathe himself, and next find out +Th' advantage of the ground, where best +He might the ruffled foe infest. 700 +This b'ing resolv'd, he spurr'd his steed, +To run at ORSIN with full speed, +While he was busy in the care +Of CERDON'S wound, and unaware: +But he was quick, and had already 705 +Unto the part apply'd remedy: +And, seeing th' enemy prepar'd, +Drew up, and stood upon his guard. +Then, like a warrior right expert +And skilful in the martial art, 710 +The subtle Knight straight made a halt, +And judg'd it best to stay th' assault, +Until he had reliev'd the Squire, +And then in order to retire; +Or, as occasion should invite, 715 +With forces join'd renew the fight. +RALPHO, by this time disentranc'd, +Upon his bum himself advanc'd, +Though sorely bruis'd; his limbs all o'er +With ruthless bangs were stiff and sore. 720 +Right fain he would have got upon +His feet again, to get him gone; +When HUDIBRAS to aid him came: + +Quoth he (and call'd him by his name,) +Courage! the day at length is ours; 725 +And we once more, as conquerors, +Have both the field and honour won: +The foe is profligate, and run. +I mean all such as can; for some +This hand hath sent to their long home; 730 +And some lie sprawling on the ground, +With many a gash and bloody wound. +CAESAR himself could never say +He got two victories in a day, +As I have done, that can say, Twice I 735 +In one day, Veni, Vidi, Vici. +The foe's so numerous, that we +Cannot so often vincere +As they perire, and yet enow +Be left to strike an after-blow; 740 +Then, lest they rally, and once more +Put us to fight the bus'ness o'er, +Get up, and mount thy steed: Dispatch, +And let us both their motions watch. + +Quoth RALPH, I should not, if I were 745 +In case for action, now be here: +Nor have I turn'd my back, or hang'd +An arse, for fear of being bang'd. +It was for you I got these harms, +Advent'ring to fetch off your arms. 750 +The blows and drubs I have receiv'd +Have bruis'd my body, and bereav'd +My limbs of strength. Unless you stoop, +And reach your hand to pull me up, +I shall lie here, and be a prey 755 +To those who now are run away. + +That thou shalt not, (quoth HUDIBRAS;) +We read, the ancients held it was +More honourable far, servare +Civem, than slay an adversary: 760 +The one we oft to-day have done, +The other shall dispatch anon: +And though th' art of a diff'rent Church +I will not leave thee in the lurch. +This said, he jogg'd his good steed nigher, 765 +And steer'd him gently toward the Squire; +Then bowing down his body, stretch'd +His hand out, and at RALPHO reach'd; +When TRULLA, whom he did not mind, +Charg'd him like lightening behind. 770 +She had been long in search about +MAGNANO'S wound, to find it out; +But could find none, nor where the shot, +That had so startled him, was got +But having found the worst was past, 775 +She fell to her own work at last, +The pillage of the prisoners, +Which in all feats of arms was hers; +And now to plunder RALPH she flew, +When HUDIBRAS his hard fate drew 780 +To succour him; for, as he bow'd +To help him up, she laid a load +Of blows so heavy, and plac'd so well, +On t'other side, that down he fell. +Yield, scoundrel base, (quoth she,) or die: 785 +Thy life is mine and liberty: +But if thou think'st I took thee tardy, +And dar'st presume to be so hardy, +To try thy fortune o'er a-fresh, +I'll wave my title to thy flesh, 790 +Thy arms and baggage, now my right; +And if thou hast the heart to try't, +I'll lend thee back thyself a while, +And once more, for that carcass vile, +Fight upon tick. -- Quoth HUDIBRAS, 795 +Thou offer'st nobly, valiant lass, +And I shall take thee at thy word. +First let me rise and take my sword. +That sword which has so oft this day +Through squadrons of my foes made way, 800 +And some to other worlds dispatch'd, +Now with a feeble spinster match'd, +Will blush with blood ignoble stain'd, +By which no honour's to be gain'd. +But if thou'lt take m' advice in this, 805 +Consider whilst thou may'st, what 'tis +To interrupt a victor's course, +B' opposing such a trivial force: +For if with conquest I come off, +(And that I shall do sure enough,) 810 +Quarter thou canst not have, nor grace, +By law of arms, in such a case; +Both which I now do offer freely. +I scorn (quoth she) thou coxcomb silly, +(Clapping her hand upon her breech, 815 +To shew how much she priz'd his speech,) +Quarter or counsel from a foe +If thou can'st force me to it, do. +But lest it should again be said, +When I have once more won thy head, 820 +I took thee napping, unprepar'd, +Arm, and betake thee to thy guard. + +This said, she to her tackle fell, +And on the Knight let fall a peal +Of blows so fierce, and press'd so home, 825 +That he retir'd, and follow'd's bum. +Stand to't (quoth she) or yield to mercy +It is not fighting arsie-versie +Shall serve thy turn. -- This stirr'd his spleen +More than the danger he was in, 830 +The blows he felt, or was to feel, +Although th' already made him reel. +Honour, despight; revenge and shame, +At once into his stomach came, +Which fir'd it so, he rais'd his arm 835 +Above his head, and rain'd a storm +Of blows so terrible and thick, +As if he meant to hash her quick. +But she upon her truncheon took them, +And by oblique diversion broke them, 840 +Waiting an opportunity +To pay all back with usury; +Which long she fail'd not of; for now +The Knight with one dead-doing blow +Resolving to decide the fight, 845 +And she, with quick and cunning slight, +Avoiding it, the force and weight +He charged upon it was so great, +As almost sway'd him to the ground. +No sooner she th' advantage found, 850 +But in she flew; and seconding +With home-made thrust the heavy swing, +She laid him flat upon his side; +And mounting on his trunk a-stride, +Quoth she, I told thee what would come 855 +Of all thy vapouring, base scum. +Say, will the law of arms allow +I may have grace and quarter now? +Or wilt thou rather break thy word, +And stain thine honour than thy sword? 860 +A man of war to damn his soul, +In basely breaking his parole +And when, before the fight, th' had'st vow'd +To give no quarter in cold blood +Now thou hast got me for a Tartar, 865 +To make me 'gainst my will take quarter; +Why dost not put me to the sword, +But cowardly fly from thy word? + +Quoth HUDIBRAS, The day's thine own: +Thou and thy Stars have cast me down: 870 +My laurels are transplanted now, +And flourish on thy conqu'ring brow: +My loss of honour's great enough, +Thou need'st not brand it with a scoff: +Sarcasms may eclipse thine own, 875 +But cannot blur my lost renown. +I am not now in Fortune's power; +He that is down can fall no lower. +The ancient heroes were illustrious +For being benign, and not blustrous, 880 +Against a vanquish'd foe: their swords +Were sharp and trenchant, not their words; +And did in fight but cut work out +To employ their courtesies about. + +Quoth she, Although thou hast deserv'd 885 +Base slubberdegullion, to be serv'd +As thou did'st vow to deal with me, +If thou had'st got the victory +Yet I shall rather act a part +That suits my fame than thy desert. 890 +Thy arms, thy liberty, beside +All that's on th' outside of thy hide, +Are mine by military law, +Of which I will not hate one straw: +The rest, thy life and limbs, once more, 895 +Though doubly forfeit, I restore, + +Quoth HUDIBRAS, It is too late +For me to treat or stipulate +What thou command'st, I must obey: +Yet those whom I expugn'd to-day 900 +Of thine own party, I let go, +And gave them life and freedom too: +Both dogs and bear, upon their parole, +Whom I took pris'ners in this quarrel. + +Quoth TRULLA, Whether thou or they 905 +Let one another run away, +Concerns not me; but was't not thou +That gave CROWDERO quarter too? +CROWDERO, whom, in irons bound, +Thou basely threw'st into LOB'S Pound, 910 +Where still he lies, and with regret +His gen'rous bowels rage and fret. +But now thy carcass shall redeem, +And serve to be exchang'd for him. + +This said, the Knight did straight submit, 915 +And laid his weapons at her feet. +Next he disrob'd his gaberdine, +And with it did himself resign. +She took it, and forthwith divesting +The mantle that she wore, said jesting, 920 +Take that, and wear it for my sake +Then threw it o'er his sturdy back, +And as <s> the FRENCH, we conquer'd once, +Now give us laws for pantaloons, +The length of breeches, and the gathers, 925 +Port-cannons, perriwigs, and feathers; +Just so the proud insulting lass +Array'd and dighted HUDIBRAS. + +Mean while the other champions, yerst +In hurry of the fight disperst, 930 +Arriv'd, when TRULLA won the day, +To share in th' honour and the prey, +And out of HUDIBRAS his hide +With vengeance to be satisfy'd; +Which now they were about to pour 935 +Upon him in a wooden show'r; +But TRULLA thrust herself between, +And striding o'er his back agen, +She brandish'd o'er her head his sword, +And vow'd they should not break her word; 940 +Sh' had giv'n him quarter, and her blood +Or theirs should make that quarter good; +For she was bound by law of arms +To see him safe from further harms. +In dungeon deep CROWDERO, cast 945 +By HUDIBRAS, as yet lay fast; +Where, to the hard and ruthless stones, +His great heart made perpetual moans: +Him she resolv'd that HUDIBRAS +Should ransom, and supply his place. 950 + +This stopt their fury, and the basting +Which toward HUDIBRAS was hasting. +They thought it was but just and right, +That what she had atchiev'd in fight, +She should dispose of how she pleas'd. 955 +CROWDERO ought to be releas'd; +Nor could that any way be done +So well as this she pitch'd upon +For who a better could imagine +This therefore they resolv'd t'engage in. 960 +The Knight and Squire first they made +Rise from the ground, where they were laid +Then mounted both upon their horses, +But with their faces to the arses, +ORSIN led HUDIBRAS's beast, 965 +And TALGOL that which RALPHO prest, +Whom stout MAGNANO, valiant CERDON, +And COLON, waited as a guard on; +All ush'ring TRULLA in the rear, +With th' arms of either prisoner. 970 +In this proud order and array +They put themselves upon their way, +Striving to reach th' enchanted castle, +Where stout CROWDERO in durance lay still. +Thither with greater speed than shows 975 +And triumph over conquer'd foes +Do use t' allow, or than the bears +Or pageants borne before Lord-Mayors +Are wont to use, they soon arriv'd +In order, soldier-like contriv'd; 980 +Still marching in a warlike posture, +As fit for battle as for muster. +The Knight and Squire they first unhorse, +And bending 'gainst the fort their force, +They all advanc'd, and round about 985 +Begirt the magical redoubt. +MAGNAN led up in this adventure, +And made way for the rest to enter; +For he was skilful in black art. +No less than he that built the fort; 990 +And with an iron mace laid flat +A breach, which straight all enter'd at, +And in the wooden dungeon found +CROWDERO laid upon the ground. +Him they release from durance base, 995 +Restor'd t' his fiddle and his case, +And liberty, his thirsty rage +With luscious vengeance to asswage: +For he no sooner was at large, +But TRULLA straight brought on the charge, 1000 +And in the self-same limbo put +The Knight and Squire where he was shut; +Where leaving them in Hockley i' th' Hole, +Their bangs and durance to condole, +Confin'd and conjur'd into narrow 1005 +Enchanted mansion to know sorrow, +In the same order and array +Which they advanc'd, they march'd away. +But HUDIBRAS who scorn'd to stoop +To Fortune, or be said to droop, 1010 +Chear'd up himself with ends of verse, +And sayings of philosophers. + +Quoth he, Th' one half of man, his mind, +Is, sui juris, unconfin'd, +And cannot be laid by the heels, 1015 +Whate'er the other moiety feels. +'Tis not restraint or liberty +That makes men prisoners or free; +But perturbations that possess +The mind, or aequanimities. 1020 +The whole world was not half so wide +To ALEXANDER, when he cry'd, +Because he had but one to subdue, +As was a paltry narrow tub to +DIOGENES; who is not said 1025 +(For aught that ever I could read) +To whine, put finger i' th' eye, and sob, +Because h' had ne'er another tub. +The ancients make two sev'ral kinds +Of prowess in heroic minds; 1030 +The active, and the passive valiant; +Both which are pari libra gallant: +For both to give blows, and to carry, +In fights are equinecessary +But in defeats, the passive stout 1035 +Are always found to stand it out +Most desp'rately, and to out-do +The active 'gainst the conqu'ring foe. +Tho' we with blacks and blues are suggill'd, +Or, as the vulgar say, are cudgell'd; 1040 +He that is valiant, and dares fight, +Though drubb'd, can lose no honour by't. +Honour's a lease for lives to come, +And cannot be extended from +The legal tenant: 'tis a chattel 1045 +Not to be forfeited in battel. +If he that in the field is slain, +Be in the bed of Honour lain, +He that is beaten, may be said +To lie in Honour's truckle-bed. 1050 +For as we see th' eclipsed sun +By mortals is more gaz'd upon, +Than when, adorn'd with all his light, +He shines in serene sky most bright: +So valour, in a low estate, 1055 +Is most admir'd and wonder'd at. + +Quoth RALPH, How great I do not know +We may by being beaten grow; +But none, that see how here we sit, +Will judge us overgrown with wit. 1060 +As gifted brethren, preaching by +A carnal hour-glass, do imply, +Illumination can convey +Into them what they have to say, +But not how much; so well enough 1065 +Know you to charge, but not draw off: +For who, without a cap and bauble, +Having subdu'd a bear and rabble, +And might with honour have come off +Would put it to a second proof? 1070 +A politic exploit, right fit +For Presbyterian zeal and wit. + +Quoth HUDIBRAS, That cuckow's tone, +RALPHO, thou always harp'st upon. +When thou at any thing would'st rail, 1075 +Thou mak'st Presbytery the scale +To take the height on't, and explain +To what degree it is prophane +Whats'ever will not with (thy what d'ye call) +Thy light jump right, thou call'st synodical; 1080 +As if Presbytery were the standard +To size whats'ever's to he slander'd. +Dost not remember how this day, +Thou to my beard wast bold to say, +That thou coud'st prove bear-baiting equal 1085 +With synods orthodox and legal? +Do if thou canst; for I deny't, +And dare thee to 't with all thy light. + +Quoth RALPHO, Truly that is no +Hard matter for a man to do, 1090 +That has but any guts in 's brains, +And cou'd believe it worth his pains; +But since you dare and urge me to it, +You'll find I've light enough to do it. + +Synods are mystical bear-gardens, 1095 +Where elders, deputies, church-wardens, +And other members of the court, +Manage the Babylonish sport; +For prolocutor, scribe, and bear-ward, +Do differ only in a mere word; 1100 +Both are but sev'ral synagogues +Of carnal men, and bears, and dogs: +Both antichristian assemblies, +To mischief bent far as in them lies: +Both stave and tail with fierce contests; 1105 +The one with men, the other beasts. +The diff'rence is, the one fights with +The tongue, the other with the teeth; +And that they bait but bears in this, +In th' other, souls and consciences; 1110 +Where Saints themselves are brought to stake +For gospel-light, and conscience sake; +Expos'd to Scribes and Presbyters, +Instead of mastive dogs and curs, +Than whom th' have less humanity; 1115 +For these at souls of men will fly. +This to the prophet did appear, +Who in a vision saw a bear, +Prefiguring the beastly rage +Of Church-rule in this latter age; 1120 +As is demonstrated at full +By him that baited the <t> Pope's Bull. +Bears nat'rally are beasts of prey, +That live by rapine; so do they. +What are their orders, constitutions, 1125 +Church-censures, curses, absolutions, +But' sev'ral mystic chains they make, +To tie poor Christians to the stake, +And then set heathen officers, +Instead of dogs, about their ears? 1130 +For to prohibit and dispense; +To find out or to make offence; +Of Hell and Heaven to dispose; +To play with souls at fast and loose; +To set what characters they please, 1135 +And mulcts on sin or godliness; +Reduce the Church to gospel-order, +By rapine, sacrilege, and murder; +To make Presbytery supreme, +And Kings themselves submit to them; 1140 +And force all people, though against +Their consciences, to turn Saints; +Must prove a pretty thriving trade, +When Saints monopolists are made; +When pious frauds, and holy shifts, 1145 +Are dispensations and gifts, +Their godliness becomes mere ware, +And ev'ry Synod but a fair. +Synods are whelps of th' Inquisition, +A mungrel breed of like pernicion, 1150 +And growing up, became the sires +Of scribes, commissioners, and triers; +Whose bus'ness is, by cunning slight, +To cast a figure for mens' light; +To find, in lines of beard and face, 1155 +The physiognomy of grace; +And by the sound and twang of nose, +If all be sound within disclose, +Free from a crack or flaw of sinning, +As men try pipkins by the ringing; 1160 +By black caps underlaid with white, +Give certain guess at inward light. +Which serjeants at the gospel wear, +To make the spiritual calling clear; +The handkerchief about the neck 1165 +(Canonical cravat of <u> SMECK, +From whom the institution came, +When Church and State they set on flame, +And worn by them as badges then +Of spiritual warfaring men) 1170 +Judge rightly if regeneration +Be of the newest cut in fashion. +Sure 'tis an orthodox opinion, +That grace is founded in dominion. +Great piety consists in pride; 1175 +To rule is to be sanctified: +To domineer, and to controul, +Both o'er the body and the soul, +Is the most perfect discipline +Of church-rule, and by right-divine. 1180 +Bell and the Dragon's chaplains were +More moderate than these by far: +For they (poor knaves) were glad to cheat, +To get their wives and children meat; +But these will not be fobb'd off so; 1185 +They must have wealth and power too, +Or else with blood and desolation +They'll tear it out o' th' heart o' th' nation. +Sure these themselves from primitive +And Heathen Priesthood do derive, 1190 +When butchers were the only Clerks, +Elders and Presbyters of Kirks; +Whose directory was to kill; +And some believe it is so still. +The only diff'rence is, that then 1195 +They slaughter'd only beasts, now men. +For then to sacrifice a bullock, +Or now and then a child to Moloch, +They count a vile abomination, +But not to slaughter a whole nation. 1200 +Presbytery does but translate +The Papacy to a free state; +A commonwealth of Popery, +Where ev'ry village is a See +As well as Rome, and must maintain 1205 +A Tithe-pig Metropolitan; +Where ev'ry Presbyter and Deacon +Commands the keys for cheese and bacon; +And ev'ry hamlet's governed +By's Holiness, the Church's Head; 1210 +More haughty and severe in's place, +Than GREGORY or BONIFACE. +Such Church must (surely) be a monster +With many heads: for if we conster +What in th' Apocalypse we find, 1215 +According to th' Apostle's mind, +'Tis that the Whore of Babylon +With many heads did ride upon; +Which heads denote the sinful tribe +Of Deacon, Priest, Lay-Elder, Scribe. 1220 + +Lay-Elder, SIMEON to LEVI, +Whose little finger is as heavy +As loins of patriarchs, prince-prelate, +And bishop-secular. This zealot +Is of a mungrel, diverse kind; 1225 +Cleric before, and lay behind; +A lawless linsie-woolsie brother, +Half of one order, half another; +A creature of amphibious nature; +On land a beast, a fish in water; 1230 +That always preys on grace or sin; +A sheep without, a wolf within. +This fierce inquisitor has chief +Dominion over men's belief +And manners: can pronounce a Saint 1235 +Idolatrous or ignorant, +When superciliously he sifts +Through coarsest boulter others' gifts; +For all men live and judge amiss, +Whose talents jump not just with his. 1240 +He'll lay on gifts with hands, and place +On dullest noddle Light and Grace, +The manufacture of the Kirk. +Those pastors are but th' handy-work +Of his mechanic paws, instilling 1245 +Divinity in them by feeling; +From whence they start up Chosen Vessels, +Made by contact, as men get meazles. +<x> So Cardinals, they say, do grope +At th' other end the new-made Pope. 1250 + +Hold, hold, quoth HUDIBRAS; soft fire, +They say, does make sweet malt. Good Squire, +Festina lente, not too fast; +For haste (the proverb says) makes waste. +The quirks and cavils thou dost make 1255 +Are false, and built upon mistake: +And I shall bring you, with your pack +Of fallacies, t' elenchi back; +And put your arguments in mood +And figure to be understood. 1260 +I'll force you, by right ratiocination, +To leave your <y> vitilitigation, +And make you keep to th' question close, +And argue dialecticos. + +The question then, to state it first, 1265 +Is, Which is better, or which worst, +Synods or Bears? Bears I avow +To be the worst, and Synods thou. +But, to make good th' assertion, +Thou say'st th' are really all one. 1270 +If so, not worst; for if th' are idem +Why then, tantundem dat tantidem. +For if they are the same, by course, +Neither is better, neither worse. +But I deny they are the same, 1275 +More than a maggot and I am. +That both are animalia +I grant, but not rationalia: +For though they do agree in kind, +Specific difference we find; 1280 +And can no more make bears of these, +Than prove my horse is SOCRATES. +That Synods are bear-gardens too, +Thou dost affirm; but I say no: +And thus I prove it in a word; 1285 +Whats'ver assembly's not impow'r'd +To censure, curse, absolve, and ordain, +Can be no Synod: but bear-garden +Has no such pow'r; ergo, 'tis none: +And so thy sophistry's o'erthrown. 1290 + +But yet we are beside the question +Which thou didst raise the first contest on; +For that was, Whether Bears are better +Than Synod-men? I say, Negatur. +That bears are beasts, and synods men, 1295 +Is held by all: they're better then: +For bears and dogs on four legs go, +As beasts, but Synod-men on two. +'Tis true, they all have teeth and nails; +But prove that Synod-men have tails; 1300 +Or that a rugged, shaggy fur +Grows o'er the hide of Presbyter; +Or that his snout and spacious ears +Do hold proportion with a bear's. +A bears a savage beast, of all 1305 +Most ugly and unnatural +Whelp'd without form, until the dam +Has lick'd it into shape and frame: +But all thy light can ne'er evict, +That ever Synod-man was lick'd; 1310 +Or brought to any other fashion, +Than his own will and inclination. +But thou dost further yet in this +Oppugn thyself and sense; that is, +Thou would'st have Presbyters to go 1315 +For bears and dogs, and bearwards too; +A strange chimera of beasts and men, +Made up of pieces heterogene; +Such as in nature never met +In eodem subjecto yet. 1320 +Thy other arguments are all +Supposures, hypothetical, +That do but beg, and we may chose +Either to grant them, or refuse. +Much thou hast said, which I know when 1325 +And where thou stol'st from other men, +Whereby 'tis plain thy Light and Gifts +Are all but plagiary shifts; +And is the same that Ranter said, +Who, arguing with me, broke my head, 1330 +And tore a handful of my beard: +The self-same cavils then I heard, +When, b'ing in hot dispute about +This controversy, we fell out +And what thou know'st I answer'd then, 1335 +Will serve to answer thee agen. + +Quoth RALPHO, Nothing but th' abuse +Of human learning you produce; +Learning, that cobweb of the brain, +Profane, erroneous, and vain; 1340 +A trade of knowledge, as replete +As others are with fraud and cheat; +An art t'incumber gifts and wit, +And render both for nothing fit; +Makes Light unactive, dull, and troubled, 1345 +Like little DAVID in SAUL's doublet; +A cheat that scholars put upon +Other mens' reason and their own; +A fort of error, to ensconce +Absurdity and ignorance, 1350 +That renders all the avenues +To truth impervious and abstruse, +By making plain things, in debate, +By art, perplex'd, and intricate +For nothing goes for sense or light 1355 +That will not with old rules jump right: +As if rules were not in the schools +Deriv'd from truth, but truth from rules. +This pagan, heathenish invention +Is good for nothing but contention. 1360 +For as, in sword-and-buckler fight, +All blows do on the target light; +So when men argue, the great'st part +O' th' contests falls on terms of art, +Until the fustian stuff be spent, 1365 +And then they fall to th' argument. + +Quoth HUDIBRAS Friend RALPH, thou hast +Out-run the constable at last: +For thou art fallen on a new +Dispute, as senseless as untrue, 1370 +But to the former opposite +And contrary as black to white; +Mere <z> disparata; that concerning +Presbytery; this, human learning; +Two things s'averse, they never yet 1375 +But in thy rambling fancy met. +But I shall take a fit occasion +T' evince thee by ratiocination, +Some other time, in place more proper +Than this we're in; therefore let's stop here, 1380 +And rest our weary'd bones a-while, +Already tir'd with other toil. + + + +NOTES TO PART I. CANTO III. + + +134 p First TRULLA stav'd, &c.] Staving and Tailing are terms +of art used in the Bear-Garden, and signify there only the +parting of dogs and bears: Though they are used metaphorically +in several other professions, for moderating; as law, divinity, +hectoring, &c. + +153 q Or like the late corrected leathern + Ears of the Circumcised Brethren. +Pryn, Bastwick, and Burton, who laid down their ears as proxies +for their profession of the godly party, not long after maintained +their right and title to the pillory to be as good and lawful as +theirs who first of all took possession of it in their names. + +328 r That old, &c.] Pygmalion, king of Tyre, was the son of +Margenus, or Mechres, whom he succeeded, and lived 56 years, +wherof he reigned 47. Dido, his sister, was to have governed +with him, but it was pretended the subjects thought it not +convenient. She married Sichaeus, who was the king's uncle, +and very rich; wherefore he put him to death; and Dido soon +after departed the kingdom. Poets say, Pygmalion was punished +for the hatred he bore to women with the love he had to a statue. + +925 s And as the FRENCH we conquer'd once, + Now give us Laws for PANTALOONS, &c. +Pantaloons and Port-Cannons were some of the fantastick +fashions wherein we aped the French. + +At quisquis Insula satus Britannica +Sic patria insolens fastidiet suam, +Ut more simiae laboret fingere, +Et aemulari Gallicas ineptias, +Et omni Gallo ego hunc opinor ebrium; +Ergo ex Britanno, ut Gallus esse nititur, +Sic Dii jubete, fiat ex Galle Capus. + +THOMAS MORE. + +Gallus is a river in Phrygia; rising out of the mountains of +Celenae, and discharging itself into the river Sanger, the water +of which is of that admirable quality, that, being moderately +drank, it purges the brain, and cures madness; but largely drank, +it makes men frantick. Pliny, Horatius. + +1123 t A learned divine in King James's time wrote a polemick +work against the Pope, and gave it that unlucky nick-name of +The Pope's Bull baited. + +1166 u Canonical Cravat, &c.] Smectymnuus was a club of five +parlimentary holders-forth; the characters of whose names and +talents were by themselves expressed in that senseless and +insignificant word. They wore handkerchiefs about their necks +for a mark of distinction (as the Officers of the Parliament +Army then did) which afterwards degenerated into carnal +cravats. About the beginning of the long Parliament, in the year +1641, these five wrote a book against Episcopacy and the +Common Prayer, to which they all subscribed their names; +being Stephen Marshal, Edmund Calamy, Thomas Young, +Matthew Newcomen, and William Spurstow, and from thence +they and their followers were called Smectymnians. They are +remarkable for another pious book, which they wrote some time +after that, intitled, The Kings Cabinet unlocked, wherein all the +chaste and endearing expressions, in the letters that passed +betwixt his Majesty King Charles I. and his Royal Consort are +by these painful labourers in the Devil's vineyard turned into +burlesque and ridicule. Their books were answered with as +much calmness and genteelness of expression, and as much +learning and honesty, b. the Rev. Mr. Symonds, then a deprived +clergyman, as theirs was stuffed with malice, spleen, and +rascally invectives. + +1249 x So Cardinals they say do grope + At t'other end the new-made Pope. +This relates to the story of Pope Joan, who was called John +VIII. Platina saith she was of English extraction, but born at +Mentz; who, having disguised herself like a man, travelled with +her paramour to Athens, where she made such progress in +learning, that coming to Rome, she met with few that could +equal her; so that, on the death of Pope Leo IV. she was chosen +to succeed him; but being got with child by one of her +domesticks, her travail came upon her between the Colossian +Theatre and St. Clement's, as she was going to the Lateran +Church, and died upon the place, having sat two years, one +month, and four days, and was buried there without any pomp. +He owns that, for the shame of this, the Popes decline going +through this street to the Lateran; and that, to avoid the like +error, when any Pope is placed in the Porphyry Chair, his +genitals are felt by the youngest deacon, through a hole made +for that purpose; but he supposes the reason of that to he, to put +him in mind that he is a man, and obnoxious to the necessities +of nature; whence he will have the seat to be called, Sedes +Stercoraria. + +1262 y To leave your Vitiligation, &c.] Vitilitigation is a word +the Knight was passionately in love with, and never failed to +use it upon all occasions; and therefore to omit it, when it fell in +the way, bad argued too great a neglect of his learning and +parts; though it means no more than a perverse humour of +wrangling. + +1373 z Mere Disparata, &c.] Disparata are things separate and +unlike, from the Latin word Disparo. + + + +PART II + + +CANTO I + + +THE ARGUMENT. + +------------------------------------------------- +The Knight by damnable Magician, +Being cast illegally in prison, +Love brings his Action on the Case. +And lays it upon Hudibras. +How he receives the Lady's Visit, +And cunningly solicits his Suite, +Which she defers; yet on Parole +Redeems him from th' inchanted Hole. +------------------------------------------------- + + +But now, t'observe a romantic method, +Let bloody steel a while be sheathed, +And all those harsh and rugged sounds +Of bastinadoes, cuts, and wounds, +Exchang'd to Love's more gentle stile, 5 +To let our reader breathe a while; +In which, that we may be as brief as +Is possible, by way of preface, +Is't not enough to make one strange, +That some men's fancies should ne'er change, 10 +But make all people do and say +The same things still the self-same way +Some writers make all ladies purloin'd, +And knights pursuing like a whirlwind +Others make all their knights, in fits 15 +Of jealousy, to lose their wits; +Till drawing blood o'th' dames, like witches, +Th' are forthwith cur'd of their capriches. +Some always thrive in their amours +By pulling plaisters off their sores; 20 +As cripples do to get an alms, +Just so do they, and win their dames. +Some force whole regions, in despight +O' geography, to change their site; +Make former times shake hands with latter, 25 +And that which was before, come after. +But those that write in rhime, still make +The one verse for the other's sake; +For, one for sense, and one for rhime, +I think's sufficient at one time. 30 + +But we forget in what sad plight +We whilom left the captiv'd Knight +And pensive Squire, both bruis'd in body, +And conjur'd into safe custody. +Tir'd with dispute and speaking Latin, 35 +As well as basting and bear-baiting, +And desperate of any course, +To free himself by wit or force, +His only solace was, that now +His dog-bolt fortune was so low, 40 +That either it must quickly end +Or turn about again, and mend; +In which he found th' event, no less +Than other times beside his guess. + +There is a tall long sided dame 45 +(But wond'rous light,) ycleped Fame +That, like a thin camelion, boards +Herself on air, and eats her words; +Upon her shoulders wings she wears +Like hanging-sleeves, lin'd through with ears, 50 +And eyes, and tongues, as poets list, +Made good by deep mythologist, +With these she through the welkin flies, +And sometimes carries truth, oft lies +With letters hung like eastern pigeons, 55 +And Mercuries of furthest regions; +Diurnals writ for regulation +Of lying, to inform the nation; +And by their public use to bring down +The rate of whetstones in the kingdom. 60 +About her neck a pacquet-male, +Fraught with advice, some fresh, some stale, +Of men that walk'd when they were dead, +And cows of monsters brought to bed; +Of hail-stones big as pullets eggs, 65 +And puppies whelp'd with twice two legs; +A blazing star seen in the west, +By six or seven men at least. +Two trumpets she does sound at once, +But both of clean contrary tones; 70 +But whether both with the same wind, +Or one before, and one behind, +We know not; only this can tell, +The one sounds vilely, th' other well; +And therefore vulgar authors name 75 +Th' one Good, the other Evil, Fame. + +This tattling gossip knew too well +What mischief HUDIBRAS befell. +And straight the spiteful tidings bears +Of all to th' unkind widow's ears. 80 +DEMOCRITUS ne'er laugh'd so loud +To see bawds carted through the crowd, +Or funerals with stately pomp +March slowly on in solemn dump, +As she laugh'd out, until her back, 85 +As well as sides, was like to crack. +She vow'd she would go see the sight, +And visit the distressed Knight; +To do the office of a neighbour, +And be a gossip at his labour; 90 +And from his wooden jail, the stocks, +To set at large his fetter-locks; +And, by exchange, parole, or ransom, +To free him from th' enchanted mansion. +This b'ing resolv'd, she call'd for hood 95 +And usher, implements abroad +Which ladies wear, beside a slender +Young waiting damsel to attend her; +All which appearing, on she went, +To find the Knight in limbo pent. 100 +And 'twas not long before she found +Him, and the stout Squire, in the pound; +Both coupled in enchanted tether, +By further leg behind together +For as he sat upon his rump, 105 +His head like one in doleful dump, +Between his knees, his hands apply'd +Unto his ears on either side; +And by him, in another hole, +Afflicted RALPHO, cheek by jowl; 110 +She came upon him in his wooden +Magician's circle on the sudden, +As spirits do t' a conjurer, +When in their dreadful shapes th' appear. + +No sooner did the Knight perceive her, 115 +But straight he fell into a fever, +Inflam'd all over with disgrace, +To be seen by her in such a place; +Which made him hang his head, and scoul, +And wink, and goggle like an owl. 120 +He felt his brains begin to swim, +When thus the dame accosted him: + +This place (quoth she) they say's enchanted, +And with delinquent spirits haunted, +That here are ty'd in chains, and scourg'd, 125 +Until their guilty crimes be purg'd. +Look, there are two of them appear, +Like persons I have seen somewhere. +Some have mistaken blocks and posts +For spectres, apparitions, ghosts, 130 +With saucer eyes, and horns; and some +Have heard the Devil beat a drum: +But if our eyes are not false glasses, +That give a wrong account of faces, +That beard and I should be acquainted, 135 +Before 'twas conjur'd or enchanted; +For though it be disfigur'd somewhat, +As if 't had lately been in combat, +It did belong to a worthy Knight +Howe'er this goblin has come by't. 140 + +When HUDIBRAS the Lady heard +Discoursing thus upon his beard, +And speak with such respect and honour, +Both of the beard and the beard's owner, +He thought it best to set as good 145 +A face upon it as he cou'd, +And thus he spoke: Lady, your bright +And radiant eyes are in the right: +The beard's th' identic beard you knew, +The same numerically true: 150 +Nor is it worn by fiend or elf, +But its proprietor himself. + +O, heavens! quoth she, can that be true? +I do begin to fear 'tis you: +Not by your individual whiskers, 155 +But by your dialect and discourse, +That never spoke to man or beast +In notions vulgarly exprest. +But what malignant star, alas +Has brought you both to this sad pass? 160 + +Quoth he, The fortune of the war, +Which I am less afflicted for, +Than to be seen with beard and face, +By you in such a homely case. +Quoth she, Those need not he asham'd 165 +For being honorably maim'd, +If he that is in battle conquer'd, +Have any title to his own beard; +Though yours be sorely lugg'd and torn, +It does your visage more adorn 170 +Than if 'twere prun'd, and starch'd, and lander'd, +And cut square by the Russian standard. +A torn beard's like a tatter'd ensign, +That's bravest which there are most rents in. +That petticoat about your shoulders 175 +Does not so well become a souldier's; +And I'm afraid they are worse handled +Although i' th' rear; your beard the van led; +And those uneasy bruises make +My heart for company to ake, 180 +To see so worshipful a friend +I' th' pillory set, at the wrong end. + +Quoth HUDIBRAS, This thing call'd pain +Is (as the learned Stoicks maintain) +Not bad simpliciter, nor good, 185 +But merely as 'tis understood. +Sense is deceitful, and may feign, +As well in counterfeiting pain +As other gross phenomenas, +In which it oft mistakes the case. 190 +But since the immortal intellect +(That's free from error and defect, +Whose objects still persist the same) +Is free from outward bruise and maim, +Which nought external can expose 195 +To gross material bangs or blows, +It follows, we can ne'er be sure, +Whether we pain or not endure; +And just so far are sore and griev'd, +As by the fancy is believ'd. 200 +Some have been wounded with conceit, +And dy'd of mere opinion straight; +Others, tho' wounded sore in reason, +Felt no contusion, nor discretion. +A Saxon Duke did grow so fat, 205 +That mice (as histories relate) +Eat grots and labyrinths to dwell in +His postick parts without his feeling: +Then how is't possible a kick +Should e'er reach that way to the quick? 210 + +Quoth she, I grant it is in vain. +For one that's basted to feel pain, +Because the pangs his bones endure +Contribute nothing to the cure: +Yet honor hurt, is wont to rage 215 +With pain no med'cine can asswage. + +Quoth he, That honour's very squeamish +That takes a basting for a blemish; +For what's more hon'rable than scars, +Or skin to tatters rent in wars? 220 +Some have been beaten till they know +What wood a cudgel's of by th' blow; +Some kick'd until they can feel whether +A shoe be Spanish or neat's leather; +And yet have met, after long running, 225 +With some whom they have taught that cunning. +The furthest way about t' o'ercome, +In the end does prove the nearest home. +By laws of learned duellists, +They that are bruis'd with wood or fists, 230 +And think one beating may for once +Suffice, are cowards and pultroons: +But if they dare engage t' a second, +They're stout and gallant fellows reckon'd. + +Th' old Romans freedom did bestow, 235 +Our princes worship, with a blow. +King PYRRHUS cur'd his splenetic +And testy courtiers with a kick. +The NEGUS, when some mighty lord +Or potentate's to be restor'd 240 +And pardon'd for some great offence, +With which be's willing to dispense, +First has him laid upon his belly, +Then beaten back and side to a jelly; +That done, he rises, humbly bows, 245 +And gives thanks for the princely blows; +Departs not meanly proud, and boasting +Of this magnificent rib-roasting. +The beaten soldier proves most manful, +That, like his sword, endures the anvil, 250 +And justly's held more formidable, +The more his valour's malleable: +But he that fears a bastinado +Will run away from his own shadow: +And though I'm now in durance fast, 255 +By our own party basely cast, +Ransom, exchange, parole refus'd, +And worse than by the enemy us'd; +In close catasta shut, past hope +Of wit or valour to elope; 260 +As beards the nearer that they tend +To th' earth still grow more reverend; +And cannons shoot the higher pitches, +The lower we let down their breeches; +I'll make this low dejected fate 265 +Advance me to a greater height. + +Quoth she, Y' have almost made me in love +With that which did my pity move. +Great wits and valours, like great states, +Do sometimes sink with their own weights: +Th' extremes of glory and of shame, 270 +Like East and West, become the same: +No Indian Prince has to his palace +More foll'wers than a thief to th' gallows, +But if a beating seem so brave, 275 +What glories must a whipping have +Such great atchievements cannot fail +To cast salt on a woman's tail: +For if I thought your nat'ral talent +Of passive courage were so gallant, 280 +As you strain hard to have it thought, +I could grow amorous, and dote. + +When HUDIBRAS this language heard, +He prick'd up's ears and strok'd his beard; +Thought he, this is the lucky hour; 285 +Wines work when vines are in the flow'r; +This crisis then I'll set my rest on, +And put her boldly to the question. + +Madam, what you wou'd seem to doubt, +Shall be to all the world made out, 290 +How I've been drubb'd, and with what spirit +And magnanimity I bear it; +And if you doubt it to be true, +I'll stake myself down against you: +And if I fail in love or troth, 295 +Be you the winner, and take both. + +Quoth she, I've beard old cunning stagers +Say, fools for arguments use wagers; +And though I prais'd your valour, yet +I did not mean to baulk your wit; 300 +Which, if you have, you must needs know +What I have told you before now, +And you b' experiment have prov'd, +I cannot love where I'm belov'd. + +Quoth HUDIBRAS, 'tis a caprich 305 +Beyond th' infliction of a witch; +So cheats to play with those still aim +That do not understand the game. +Love in your heart as icily burns +As fire in antique Roman urns, 310 +To warm the dead, and vainly light +Those only that see nothing by't. +Have you not power to entertain, +And render love for love again; +As no man can draw in his breath 315 +At once, and force out air beneath? +Or do you love yourself so much, +To bear all rivals else a grutch? +What fate can lay a greater curse +Than you upon yourself would force? 320 +For wedlock without love, some say, +Is but a lock without a key. +It is a kind of rape to marry +One that neglects, or cares not for ye: +For what does make it ravishment, 325 +But b'ing against the mind's consent? +A rape that is the more inhuman +For being acted by a woman. +Why are you fair, but to entice us +To love you, that you may despise us? 330 +But though you cannot Love, you say, +Out of your own fanatick way, +Why should you not at least allow +Those that love you to do so too? +For, as you fly me, and pursue 330 +Love more averse, so I do you; +And am by your own doctrine taught +To practise what you call a fau't. + +Quoth she, If what you say is true, +You must fly me as I do you; 340 +But 'tis not what we do, but say, +In love and preaching, that must sway. + +Quoth he, To bid me not to love, +Is to forbid my pulse to move, +My beard to grow, my ears to prick up, 345 +Or (when I'm in a fit) to hickup: +Command me to piss out the moon, +And 'twill as easily be done: +Love's power's too great to be withstood +By feeble human flesh and blood. 350 +'Twas he that brought upon his knees +The hect'ring, kill-cow HERCULES; +Transform'd his leager-lion's skin +T' a petticoat, and made him spin; +Seiz'd on his club, and made it dwindle 355 +T' a feeble distaff, and a spindle. +'Twas he that made emperors gallants +To their own sisters and their aunts; +Set popes and cardinals agog, +To play with pages at leap-frog. 360 +'Twas he that gave our Senate purges, +And flux'd the House of many a burgess; +Made those that represent the nation +Submit, and suffer amputation; +And all the Grandees o' the Cabal 365 +Adjourn to tubs at Spring and Fall. +He mounted Synod-Men, and rode 'em +To Dirty-Lane and Little Sodom; +Made 'em curvet like Spanish jenets, +And take the ring at Madam [Bennet's] 370 +'Twas he that made Saint FRANCIS do +More than the Devil could tempt him to, +In cold and frosty weather, grow +Enamour'd of a wife of snow; +And though she were of rigid temper, 375 +With melting flames accost and tempt her; +Which after in enjoyment quenching, +He hung a garland on his engine + +Quoth she, If Love have these effects, +Why is it not forbid our sex? 380 +Why is't not damn'd and interdicted, +For diabolical and wicked? +And sung, as out of tune, against, +As Turk and Pope are by the Saints? +I find I've greater reason for it, 385 +Than I believ'd before t' abhor it. + +Quoth HUDIBRAS, These sad effects +Spring from your Heathenish neglects +Of Love's great pow'r, which he returns +Upon yourselves with equal scorns; 390 +And those who worthy lovers slight, +Plagues with prepost'rous appetite. +This made the beauteous Queen of Crete +To take a town-bull for her sweet, +And from her greatness stoop so low, 395 +To be the rival of a cow: +Others to prostitute their great hearts, +To he baboons' and monkeys' sweet-hearts; +Some with the Dev'l himself in league grow, +By's representative a Negro. 400 +'Twas this made vestal-maids love-sick, +And venture to be bury'd quick: +Some by their fathers, and their brothers, +To be made mistresses and mothers. +'Tis this that proudest dames enamours 405 +On lacquies and valets des chambres; +Their haughty stomachs overcomes, +And makes 'em stoop to dirty grooms; +To slight the world, and to disparage +Claps, issue, infamy, and marriage. 410 + +Quoth she, These judgments are severe, +Yet such as I should rather bear, +Than trust men with their oaths, or prove +Their faith and secresy in love, + +Says he, There is as weighty reason 415 +For secresy in love as treason. +Love is a burglarer, a felon, +That at the windore-eyes does steal in +To rob the heart, and with his prey +Steals out again a closer way, 420 +Which whosoever can discover, +He's sure (as he deserves) to suffer. +Love is a fire, that burns and sparkles +In men as nat'rally as in charcoals, +Which sooty chymists stop in holes 425 +When out of wood they extract coals: +So lovers should their passions choak, +That, tho' they burn, they may not smoak. +'Tis like that sturdy thief that stole +And dragg'd beasts backwards into's hole: 430 +So Love does lovers, and us men +Draws by the tails into his den, +That no impression may discover, +And trace t' his cave, the wary lover, +But if you doubt I should reveal 435 +What you entrust me under seal. +I'll prove myself as close and virtuous +As your own secretary ALBERTUS. + +Quoth she, I grant you may be close +In hiding what your aims propose. 440 +Love-passions are like parables, +By which men still mean something else, +Though love be all the world's pretence, +Money's the mythologick sense; +The real substance of the shadow, 445 +Which all address and courtship's made to. + +Thought he, I understand your play, +And how to quit you your own way: +He that will win his dame, must do +As Love does when he bends his bow; 450 +With one hand thrust the lady from, +And with the other pull her home. +I grant, quoth he, wealth is a great +Provocative to am'rous heat. +It is all philters, and high diet, 455 +That makes love rampant, and to fly out: +'Tis beauty always in the flower, +That buds and blossoms at fourscore: +'Tis that by which the sun and moon +At their own weapons are out-done: 460 +That makes Knights-Errant fall in trances, +And lay about 'em in romances: +'Tis virtue, wit, and worth, and all +That men divine and sacred call: +For what is worth in any thing, 465 +But so much money as 'twill bring? +Or what, but riches is there known, +Which man can solely call his own +In which no creature goes his half; +Unless it be to squint and laugh? 470 +I do confess, with goods and land, +I'd have a wife at second-hand; +And such you are. Nor is 't your person +My stomach's set so sharp and fierce on; +But 'tis (your better part) your riches, 475 +That my enamour'd heart bewitches. +Let me your fortune but possess, +And settle your person how you please: +Or make it o'er in trust to th' Devil; +You'll find me reasonable and civil. 480 + +Quoth she, I like this plainness better +Than false mock-passion, speech, or letter, +Or any feat of qualm or sowning, +But hanging of yourself, or drowning. +Your only way with me to break 485 +Your mind, is breaking of your neck; +For as when merchants break, o'erthrown, +Like nine-pins they strike others down, +So that would break my heart; which done, +My tempting fortune is your own, 490 +These are but trifles: ev'ry lover +Will damn himself over and over, +And greater matters undertake +For a less worthy mistress' sake: +Yet th' are the only ways to prove 495 +Th' unfeign'd realities of love: +For he that hangs, or beats out's brains, +The Devil's in him if he feigns. + +Quoth HUDIBRAS, This way's too rough +For mere experiment and proof: 500 +It is no jesting, trivial matter, +To swing t' th' air, or douce in Water, +And, like a water-witch, try love; +That's to destroy, and not to prove; +As if a man should be dissected 505 +To find what part is disaffected. +Your better way is to make over, +In trust, your fortune to your lover. +Trust is a trial; if it break, +'Tis not so desp'rate as a neck. 510 +Beside, th' experiment's more certain; +Men venture necks to gain a fortune: +The soldier does it ev'ry day. +(Eight to the week) for sixpence pay: +Your pettifoggers damn their souls, 515 +To share with knaves in cheating fools: +And merchants, vent'ring through the main, +Slight pirates, rocks, and horns, for gain. +This is the way I advise you to: +Trust me, and see what I will do. 520 + +Quoth she, I should be loth to run +Myself all th' hazard, and you none; +Which must be done, unless some deed +Of your's aforesaid do precede. +Give but yourself one gentle swing 525 +For trial, and I'll cut the string: +Or give that rev'rend head a maul, +Or two, or three, against a wall, +To shew you are a man of mettle, +And I'll engage myself to settle. 530 + +Quoth he, My head's not made of brass, +As Friar BACON'S noodle was; +Nor (like the Indian's skull) so tough +That, authors say, 'twas musket-proof, +As yet on any new adventure, 535 +As it had need to be, to enter. +You see what bangs it has endur'd, +That would, before new feats, be cur'd. +But if that's all you stand upon, +Here, strike me luck, it shall be done. 540 + +Quoth she, The matter's not so far gone +As you suppose: Two words t' a bargain: +That may be done, and time enough, +When you have given downright proof; +And yet 'tis no fantastic pique 545 +I have to love, nor coy dislike: +'Tis no implicit, nice aversion +T' your conversation, mein, or person, +But a just fear, lest you should prove +False and perfidious in love:, 550 +For if I thought you could be true, +I could love twice as much as you. + +Quoth he, My faith as adamanatine, +As chains of destiny, I'll maintain: +True as APOLLO ever spoke, 555 +Or Oracle from heart of oak; +And if you'll give my flame but vent, +Now in close hugger-mugger pent, +And shine upon me but benignly, +With that one, and that other pigsney, 560 +The sun and day shall sooner part, +Than love or you shake off my heart; +The sun, that shall no more dispense +His own but your bright influence. +I'll carve your name on barks of trees, 565 +With true-loves-knots and flourishes, +That shall infuse eternal spring, +And everlasting flourishing: +Drink ev'ry letter on't in stum, +And make it brisk champaign become; 570 +Where-e'er you tread, your foot shall set +The primrose and the violet: +All spices, perfumes, and sweet powders, +Shall borrow from your breath their odours: +Nature her charter shall renew, 575 +And take all lives of things from you; +The world depend upon your eye, +And when you frown upon it, die: +Only our loves shall still survive, +New worlds and natures to out-live: 580 +And, like to heralds' moons, remain +All crescents, without change or wane. + +Hold, hold, quoth she; no more of this, +Sir Knight; you take your aim amiss: +For you will find it a hard chapter 585 +To catch me with poetic rapture, +In which your mastery of art +Doth shew itself, and not your heart: +Nor will you raise in mine combustion +By dint of high heroic fustian. 590 +She that with poetry is won, +Is but a desk to write upon; +And what men say of her, they mean +No more than on the thing they lean. +Some with Arabian spices strive 595 +T' embalm her cruelly alive; +Or season her, as French cooks use +Their haut-gousts, bouillies, or ragousts: +Use her so barbarously ill, +To grind her lips upon a mill, 600 +Until the facet doublet doth +Fit their rhimes rather than her mouth: +Her mouth compar'd to an oyster's, with +A row of pearl in't -- stead of teeth. +Others make posies of her cheeks, 605 +Where red and whitest colours mix; +In which the lily, and the rose, +For Indian lake and ceruse goes. +The sun and moon by her bright eyes +Eclips'd, and darken'd in the skies, 610 +Are but black patches, that she wears, +Cut into suns, and moons, and stars: +By which astrologers as well, +As those in Heav'n above, can tell +What strange events they do foreshow 615 +Unto her under-world below. +Her voice, the music of the spheres, +So loud, it deafens mortals ears; +As wise philosophers have thought; +And that's the cause we hear it not. 620 +This has been done by some, who those +Th' ador'd in rhime, would kick in prose; +And in those ribbons would have hung +On which melodiously they sung; +That have the hard fate to write best 625 +Of those still that deserve it least; +It matters not how false, or forc'd: +So the best things be said o' th' worst: +It goes for nothing when 'tis said; +Only the arrow's drawn to th' bead, 630 +Whether it be a swan or goose +They level at: So shepherds use +To set the same mark on the hip +Both of their sound and rotten sheep: +For wits, that carry low or wide, 635 +Must be aim'd higher, or beside +The mark, which else they ne'er come nigh, +But when they take their aim awry. +But I do wonder you should choose +This way t' attack me with your Muse, 640 +As one cut out to pass your tricks on, +With fulhams of poetic fiction: +I rather hop'd I should no more +Hear from you o' th' gallanting score: +For hard dry-bastings us'd to prove 645 +The readiest remedies of love; +Next a dry-diet: but if those fail, +Yet this uneasy loop-hol'd jail, +In which ye are hamper'd by the fetlock, +Cannot but put y' in mind of wedlock; 650 +Wedlock, that's worse than any hole here, +If that may serve you for a cooler, +T' allay your mettle, all agog +Upon a wife, the heavi'r clog: +Or rather thank your gentler fate, 655 +That for a bruis'd or broken pate, +Has freed you from those knobs that grow +Much harder on the marry'd brow: +But if no dread can cool your courage, +From vent'ring on that dragon, marriage, 660 +Yet give me quarter, and advance +To nobler aims your puissance: +Level at beauty and at wit; +The fairest mark is easiest hit. + +Quoth HUDIBRAS, I'm beforehand 665 +In that already, with your command +For where does beauty and high wit +But in your constellation meet? + +Quoth she, What does a match imply, +But likeness and equality? 670 +I know you cannot think me fit +To be th' yoke-fellow of your wit; +Nor take one of so mean deserts, +To be the partner of your parts; +A grace which, if I cou'd believe, 675 +I've not the conscience to receive. + +That conscience, quoth HUDIBRAS, +Is mis-inform'd: I'll state the case +A man may be a legal donor, +Of any thing whereof he's owner, 680 +And may confer it where he lists, +I' th' judgment of all casuists, +Then wit, and parts, and valour, may +Be ali'nated, and made away, +By those that are proprietors, 685 +As I may give or sell my horse. + +Quoth she, I grant the case is true +And proper 'twixt your horse and you; +But whether I may take as well +As you may give away or sell? 690 +Buyers you know are bid beware; +And worse than thieves receivers are. +How shall I answer hue and cry, +For a roan gelding, twelve hands high, +All spurr'd and switch'd, a lock on's hoof, 695 +A sorrel mane? Can I bring proof +Where, when, by whom, and what y' were sold for, +And in the open market toll'd for? +Or should I take you for a stray, +You must be kept a year and day 700 +(Ere I can own you) here i' the pound, +Where, if y' are sought, you may be found +And in the mean time I must pay +For all your provender and hay. + +Quoth he, It stands me much upon 705 +T' enervate this objection, +And prove myself; by topic clear +No gelding, as you would infer. +Loss of virility's averr'd +To be the cause of loss of beard, 710 +That does (like embryo in the womb) +Abortive on the chin become. +This first a woman did invent, +In envy of man's ornament; +SEMIRAMIS, of Babylon, 715 +Who first of all cut men o' th' stone, +To mar their beards, and lay foundation +Of sow-geldering operation. +Look on this beard, and tell me whether +Eunuchs wear such, or geldings either? 720 +Next it appears I am no horse; +That I can argue and discourse +Have but two legs, and ne'er a tail. + +Quoth she, That nothing will avail +For some philosophers of late here, 725 +Write, men have four legs by nature, +And that 'tis custom makes them go +Erron'ously upon but two; +As 'twas in Germany made good +B' a boy that lost himself in a wood, 730 +And growing down to a man, was wont +With wolves upon all four to hunt. +As for your reasons drawn from tails, +We cannot say they're true or false, +Till you explain yourself, and show, 735 +B' experiment, 'tis so or no. + +Quoth he, If you'll join issue on't, +I'll give you satisfactory account; +So you will promise, if you lose, +To settle all, and be my spouse. 740 + +That never shall be done (quoth she) +To one that wants a tail, by me +For tails by nature sure were meant, +As well as beards, for ornament: +And though the vulgar count them homely, 745 +In men or beast they are so comely, +So gentee, alamode, and handsome, +I'll never marry man that wants one; +And till you can demonstrate plain, +You have one equal to your mane, 750 +I'll be torn piece-meal by a horse, +Ere I'll take you for better or worse. +The Prince of CAMBAY's daily food +Is asp, and basilisk, and toad; +Which makes him have so strong a breath, 755 +Each night he stinks a queen to death; +Yet I shall rather lie in's arms +Than yours, on any other terms. + +Quoth he, What nature can afford, +I shall produce, upon my word; 760 +And if she ever gave that boon +To man, I'll prove that I have one +I mean by postulate illation, +When you shall offer just occasion: +But since y' have yet deny'd to give 765 +My heart, your pris'ner, a reprieve, +But made it sink down to my heel, +Let that at least your pity feel; +And, for the sufferings of your martyr, +Give its poor entertainer quarter; 770 +And, by discharge or main-prize, grant +Deliv'ry from this base restraint. + +Quoth she, I grieve to see your leg +Stuck in a hole here like a peg; +And if I knew which way to do't 775 +(Your honour safe) I'd let you out. +That Dames by jail-delivery +Of Errant-Knights have been set free, +When by enchantment they have been, +And sometimes for it too, laid in, 780 +Is that which Knights are bound to do +By order, oath, and honour too: +For what are they renown'd, and famous else, +But aiding of distressed damosels? +But for a Lady no ways errant, 785 +To free a Knight, we have no warrant +In any authentical romance, +Or classic author, yet of France; +And I'd be loth to have you break +An ancient custom for a freak, 790 +Or innovation introduce +In place of things of antique use; +To free your heels by any course, +That might b' unwholesome to your spurs; +Which, if I should consent unto, 795 +It is not in my pow'r to do; +For 'tis a service must be done ye +With solemn previous ceremony; +Which always has been us'd t' untie +The charms of those who here do lie 800 +For as the ancients heretofore +To Honour's Temple had no door, +But that which thorough Virtue's lay, +So from this dungeon there's no way +To honour'd freedom, but by passing 805 +That other virtuous school of lashing, +Where Knights are kept in narrow lists, +With wooden lockets 'bout their wrists; +In which they for a while are tenants, +And for their Ladies suffer penance: 810 +Whipping, that's Virtue's governess, +Tutress of arts and sciences; +That mends the gross mistakes of Nature, +And puts new life into dull matter; +That lays foundation for renown, 815 +And all the honours of the gown. +This suffer'd, they are set at large, +And freed with hon'rable discharge. +Then in their robes the penitentials +Are straight presented with credentials, 820 +And in their way attended on +By magistrates of ev'ry town; +And, all respect and charges paid, +They're to their ancient seats convey'd. +Now if you'll venture, for my sake, 825 +To try the toughness of your back, +And suffer (as the rest have done) +The laying of a whipping on, +(And may you prosper in your suit, +As you with equal vigour do't,) 830 +I here engage myself to loose ye, +And free your heels from Caperdewsie. +But since our sex's modesty +Will not allow I should be by, +Bring me, on oath, a fair account, 835 +And honour too, when you have done't, +And I'll admit you to the place +You claim as due in my good grace. +If matrimony and hanging go +By dest'ny, why not whipping too? 840 +What med'cine else can cure the fits +Of lovers when they lose their wits? +Love is a boy by poets stil'd; +Then spare the rod and spoil the child. +A Persian emp'ror whipp'd his grannam 845 +The sea, his mother VENUS came on; +And hence some rev'rend men approve +Of rosemary in making love. +As skilful coopers hoop their tubs +With Lydian and with Phrygian dubs, 850 +Why may not whipping have as good +A grace, perform'd in time and mood, +With comely movement, and by art, +Raise passion in a lady's heart? +It is an easier way to make 855 +Love by, than that which many take. +Who would not rather suffer whipping, +Than swallow toasts of bits of ribbon? +Make wicked verses, treats, and faces, +And spell names over with beer-glasses 860 +Be under vows to hang and die +Love's sacrifice, and all a lie? +With china-oranges and tarts +And whinning plays, lay baits for hearts? +Bribe chamber-maids with love and money, 865 +To break no roguish jests upon ye? +For lilies limn'd on cheeks, and roses, +With painted perfumes, hazard noses? +Or, vent'ring to be brisk and wanton, +Do penance in a paper lanthorn? 870 +All this you may compound for now, +By suffering what I offer you; +Which is no more than has been done +By Knights for Ladies long agone. +Did not the great LA MANCHA do so 875 +For the INFANTA DEL TOBOSO? +Did not th' illustrious Bassa make +Himself a slave for Misse's sake? +And with bull's pizzle, for her love, +Was taw 'd as gentle as a glove? 880 +Was not young FLORIO sent (to cool +His flame for BIANCAFIORE) to school, +Where pedant made his pathic bum +For her sake suffer martyrdom? +Did not a certain lady whip 885 +Of late her husband's own Lordship? +And though a grandee of the House, +Claw'd him with fundamental blows +Ty'd him stark naked to a bed-post, +And firk'd his hide, as if sh' had rid post 890 +And after, in the sessions-court, +Where whipping's judg'd, had honour for't? +This swear you will perform, and then +I'll set you from th' inchanted den, +And the magician's circle clear. 895 + +Quoth he, I do profess and swear, +And will perform what you enjoin, +Or may I never see you mine. +Amen, (quoth she;) then turn'd about, +And bid her Esquire let him out. 900 +But ere an artist could be found +T' undo the charms another bound, +The sun grew low, and left the skies, +Put down (some write) by ladies eyes, +The moon pull'd off her veil of light 905 +That hides her face by day from sight, +(Mysterious veil, of brightness made, +That's both her lustre and her shade,) +And in the lanthorn of the night +With shining horns hung out her light; 910 +For darkness is the proper sphere, +Where all false glories use t' appear. +The twinkling stars began to muster, +And glitter with their borrow'd lustre, +While sleep the weary 'd world reliev'd, 915 +By counterfeiting death reviv'd; +His whipping penance till the morn +Our vot'ry thought it best t' adjourn, +And not to carry on a work +Of such importance in the dark, 920 +With erring haste, but rather stay, +And do't in th' open face of day; +And in the mean time go in quest +Of next retreat to take his rest. + + + +CANTO II + + +THE ARGUMENT. + + +------------------------------------------------- +The Knight and Squire, in hot dispute, +Within an ace of falling out, +Are parted with a sudden fright +Of strange alarm, and stranger sight; +With which adventuring to stickle, +They're sent away in nasty pickle. +------------------------------------------------- + + +'Tis strange how some mens' tempers suit +(Like bawd and brandy) with dispute, +That for their own opinions stand last +Only to have them claw'd and canvast; +That keep their consciences in cases, 5 +As fiddlers do their crowds and bases, +Ne'er to be us'd, but when they're bent +To play a fit for argument; +Make true and false, unjust and just, +Of no use but to be discust; 10 +Dispute, and set a paradox +Like a straight boot upon the stocks, +And stretch it more unmercifully +Than HELMONT, MONTAIGN, WHITE, or TULLY, +So th' ancient <n> Stoicks, in their porch, 15 +With fierce dispute maintain'd their church; +Beat out their brains in fight and study, +To prove that Virtue is a Body; +That <o> Bonum is an Animal, +Made good with stout polemic brawl; 20 +in which some hundreds on the place +Were slain outright; and many a face +Retrench'd of nose, and eyes, and beard, +To maintain what their sect averr'd; +All which the Knight and Squire, in wrath, 25 +Had like t' have suffered for their faith, +Each striving to make good his own, +As by the sequel shall be shown. + +The Sun had long since, in the lap +Of THETIS, taken out his nap, 30 +And, like a lobster boil'd, the morn +From black to red began to turn, +When HUDIBRAS, whom thoughts and aking, +'Twixt sleeping kept all night and waking, +Began to rub his drowsy eyes, 35 +And from his couch prepar'd to rise, +Resolving to dispatch the deed +He vow'd to do with trusty speed. +But first, with knocking loud, and bawling, +He rouz'd the Squire, in truckle lolling; 40 +And, after many circumstances, +Which vulgar authors, in romances, +Do use to spend their time and wits on, +To make impertinent description, +They got (with much ado) to horse, 45 +And to the Castle bent their course, +In which he to the Dame before +To suffer whipping duly swore; +Where now arriv'd, and half unharnest, +To carry on the work in earnest, 50 +He stopp'd, and paus'd upon the sudden, +And with a serious forehead plodding, +Sprung a new scruple his head, +Which first he scratch'd, and after said -- +Whether it be direct infringing 55 +An oath, if I should wave this swingeing, +And what I've sworn to bear, forbear, +And so b' equivocation swear, +Or whether it be a lesser sin +To be forsworn than act the thing, 60 +Are deep and subtle points, which must, +T' inform my conscience, be discust; +In which to err a tittle may +To errors infinite make way; +And therefore I desire to know 65 +Thy judgment e'er we further go. + +Quoth Ralpho, Since you do enjoin't, +I shall enlarge upon the point; +And, for my own part, do not doubt +Th' affirmative may be made out, 70 +But first, to state the case aright, +For best advantage of our light, +And thus 'tis: Whether 't be a sin +To claw and curry your own skin, +Greater or less, than to forbear, 75 +And that you are forsworn, forswear. +But first, o' th' first: The inward man, +And outward, like a clan and clan, +Have always been at daggers-drawing, +And one another clapper-clawing. 80 +Not that they really cuff, or fence, +But in a Spiritual Mystick sense; +Which to mistake, and make 'em squabble +In literal fray's abominable. +'Tis heathenish, in frequent use 85 +With Pagans and apostate Jews, +To offer sacrifice of bridewells, +Like modern Indians to their idols; +And mongrel Christians of our times, +That expiate less with greater crimes, 90 +And call the foul abomination, +Contrition and mortification. +Is 't not enough we're bruis'd and kicked +With sinful members of the wicked, +Our vessels, that are sanctify'd, 95 +Prophan'd and curry'd back and side, +But we must claw ourselves with shameful +And heathen stripes, by their example; +Which (were there nothing to forbid it) +Is impious because they did it; 100 +This, therefore, may be justly reckon'd +A heinous sin. Now to the second +That Saints may claim a dispensation +To swear and forswear, on occasion, +I doubt not but it will appear 105 +With pregnant light: the point is clear. +Oaths are but words, and words but wind; +Too feeble implements to bind; +And hold with deeds proportion so +As shadows to a substance do. 110 +Then when they strive for place, 'tis fit +The weaker vessel should submit. +Although your Church be opposite +To ours as Black Friars are to White, +In rule and order, yet I grant, 115 +You are a Reformado Saint; +And what the Saints do claim as due, +You may pretend a title to: +But Saints whom oaths and vows oblige, +Know little of their privilege; 120 +Further (I mean) than carrying on +Some self-advantage of their own: +For if the Dev'l, to serve his turn, +Can tell troth, why the Saints should scorn, +When it serves theirs, to swear and lye; 125 +I think there's little reason why: +Else h' has a greater pow'r than they, +Which 't were impiety to say. +W' are not commanded to forbear +Indefinitely at all to swear; 130 +But to swear idly, and in vain, +Without self-interest or gain +For breaking of an oath, and lying, +Is but a kind of self-denying; +A Saint-like virtue: and from hence 135 +Some have broke oaths by Providence +Some, to the glory of the Lord, +Perjur'd themselves, and broke their word; +And this the constant rule and practice +Of all our late Apostles acts is. 140 +Was not the cause at first begun +With perjury, and carried on? +Was there an oath the Godly took, +But in due time and place they broke? +Did we not bring our oaths in first, 145 +Before our plate, to have them burst, +And cast in fitter models for +The present use of Church and War? +Did not our Worthies of the House, +Before they broke the peace, break vows? 150 +For having freed us first from both +Th' Allegiance and Supremacy Oath, +Did they not next compel the Nation +To take and break the Protestation? +To swear, and after to recant 155 +The solemn League and Covenant? +To take th' Engagement, and disclaim it, +Enforc'd by those who first did frame it +Did they not swear, at first, to fight +For the KING'S Safety and his Right, 160 +And after march'd to find him out, +And charg'd him home with horse and foot; +But yet still had the confidence +To swear it was in his defence +Did they not swear to live and die 165 +With Essex, and straight laid him by? + +If that were all, for some have swore +As false as they, if th' did no more, +Did they not swear to maintain Law, +In which that swearing made a flaw? 170 +For Protestant Religion vow, +That did that vowing disallow? +For Privilege of Parliament, +In which that swearing made a rent? +And since, of all the three, not one 175 +Is left in being, 'tis well known. +Did they not swear, in express words, +To prop and back the House of Lords, +And after turn'd out the whole House-full +Of Peers, as dang'rous and unusefull? 180 +So CROMWELL, with deep oaths and vows, +Swore all the Commons out o' th' House; +Vow'd that the red-coats would disband, +Ay, marry wou'd they, at their command; +And troll'd them on, and swore, and swore, 185 +Till th' army turn'd them out of door. +This tells us plainly what they thought, +That oaths and swearing go for nought, +And that by them th' were only meant +To serve for an expedient. 190 +What was the Public Faith found out for, +But to slur men of what they fought for +The Public Faith, which ev'ry one +Is bound t' observe, yet kept by none; +And if that go for nothing, why 195 +Should Private Faith have such a tye? +Oaths were not purpos'd more than law, +To keep the good and just in awe, +But to confine the bad and sinful, +Like moral cattle, in a pinfold. 200 +A Saint's of th' Heav'nly Realm a Peer; +And as no Peer is bound to swear, +But on the Gospel of his Honour, +Of which he may dispose as owner, +It follows, though the thing be forgery, 205 +And false th' affirm, it is no perjury, +But a mere ceremony, and a breach +Of nothing, but a form of speech; +And goes for no more when 'tis took, +Than mere saluting of the book. 210 +Suppose the Scriptures are of force, +They're but commissions of course, +And Saints have freedom to digress, +And vary from 'em, as they please; +Or mis-interpret them, by private 215 +Instructions, to all aims they drive at. +Then why should we ourselves abridge +And curtail our own privilege? +Quakers (that, like to lanthorns, bear +Their light within 'em) will not swear 220 +Their gospel is an accidence, +By which they construe conscience, +And hold no sin so deeply red, +As that of breaking Priscian's head; +(The head and founder of their order,) 225 +That stirring Hat's held worse than murder. +These thinking th' are oblig'd to troth +In swearing, will not take an oath +Like mules, who, if th' have not their will +To keep their own pace, stand stock-still: 230 +But they are weak, and little know +What free-born consciences may do. +'Tis the temptation of the Devil +That makes all human actions evil +For Saints may do the same things by 235 +The Spirit, in sincerity, +Which other men are tempted to, +And at the Devil's instance do +And yet the actions be contrary, +Just as the Saints and Wicked vary. 240 +For as on land there is no beast, +But in some fish at sea's exprest, +So in the Wicked there's no Vice, +Of which the Saints have not a spice; +And yet that thing that's pious in 245 +The one, in th' other is a sin. +Is't not ridiculous, and nonsense, +A Saint should be a slave to conscience, +That ought to be above such fancies, +As far as above ordinances? 250 +She's of the wicked, as I guess, +B' her looks, her language, and her dress: +And though, like constables, we search, +For false wares, one another's Church, +Yet all of us hold this for true, 255 +No Faith is to the wicked due; +For truth is precious and divine; +Too rich a pearl for carnal swine, + +Quoth HUDIBRAS, All this is true; 260 +Yet 'tis not fit that all men knew, +Those mysteries and revelations, +And therefore topical evasions +Of subtle turns and shifts of sense, +Serve best with th' wicked for pretence, +Such as the learned Jesuits use, 265 +And Presbyterians for excuse +Against the Protestants, when th' happen +To find their Churches taken napping: +As thus: A breach of oath is duple, +And either way admits a scruple, 270 +And may be, ex parte of the maker +More criminal than th' injur'd taker; +For he that strains too far a vow, +Will break it, like an o'er-bent bow: +And he that made, and forc'd it, broke it, 275 +Not he that for convenience took it. +A broken oath is, quatenus oath, +As sound t' all purposes of troth, +As broken laws are ne'er the worse; +Nay, till th' are broken have no force. 280 +What's justice to a man, or laws, +That never comes within their claws +They have no pow'r, but to admonish: +Cannot controul, coerce, or punish, +Until they're broken, and then touch 285 +Those only that do make 'em such. +Beside, no engagement is allow'd +By men in prison made for good; +For when they're set at liberty, +They're from th' engagement too set free. 290 +The rabbins write, when any Jew +Did make to God, or man, a vow, +Which afterward he found untoward, +And stubborn to be kept, or too hard, +Any three other Jews o' th' nation, 295 +Might free him from the obligation +And have not two saints pow'r to use +A greater privilege than three Jews? +The court of conscience, which in man +Should be supreme and sovereign, 300 +Is't fit should be subordinate +To ev'ry petty court i' the state, +And have less power than the lesser, +To deal with perjury at pleasure? +Have its proceedings disallow'd, or 305 +Allow'd, at fancy of Pye-Powder? +Tell all it does, or does not know, +For swearing ex officio? +Be forc'd t' impeach a broken hedge, +And pigs unring'd at Vis. Franc. Pledge? 310 +Discover thieves, and bawds, recusants, +Priests, witches, eves-droppers, and nuisance: +Tell who did play at games unlawful, +And who fill'd pots of ale but half-full +And have no pow'r at all, nor shift, 315 +To help itself at a dead lift +Why should not conscience have vacation +As well as other courts o' th' nation +Have equal power to adjourn, +Appoint appearance and return; 320 +And make as nice distinction serve +To split a case, as those that carve, +Invoking cuckolds' names, hit joints; +Why should not tricks as slight do points +Is not th' High-Court of Justice sworn 325 +To judge that law that serves their turn, +Make their own jealousies high-treason, +And fix 'm whomsoe'er they please on? +Cannot the learned counsel there +Make laws in any shape appear? 330 +Mould 'em as witches do their clay, +When they make pictures to destroy +And vex 'em into any form +That fits their purpose to do harm? +Rack 'em until they do confess, 335 +Impeach of treason whom they please, +And most perfidiously condemn +Those that engag'd their lives for them? +And yet do nothing in their own sense, +But what they ought by oath and conscience? 340 +Can they not juggle, and, with slight +Conveyance, play with wrong and right; +And sell their blasts of wind as dear +As Lapland witches bottled air? +Will not fear, favour, bribe and grudge 345 +The same case sev'ral ways adjudge? +As seamen, with the self-same gale, +Will sev'ral different courses sail? +As when the sea breaks o'er its bounds, +And overflows the level grounds, 350 +Those banks and dams, that, like a screen, +Did keep it out, now keep it in; +So when tyrannic usurpation +Invades the freedom of a nation, +The laws o' th' land, that were intended 355 +To keep it out, are made defend it. +Does not in chanc'ry ev'ry man swear +What makes best for him in his answer? +Is not the winding up witnesses +And nicking more than half the bus'ness? 360 +For witnesses, like watches, go +Just as they're set, too fast or slow; +And where in conscience they're strait-lac'd, +'Tis ten to one that side is cast. +Do not your juries give their verdict 365 +As if they felt the cause, not heard it? +And as they please, make matter of fact +Run all on one side, as they're pack't? +Nature has made man's breast no windores, +To publish what he does within doors, 370 +Nor what dark secrets there inhabit, +Unless his own rash folly blab it. +If oaths can do a man no good +In his own bus'ness, why they shou'd +In other matters do him hurt, 375 +I think there's little reason for't. +He that imposes an oath, makes it, +Not he that for convenience takes it: +Then how can any man be said +To break an oath he never made? 380 +These reasons may, perhaps, look oddly +To th' Wicked, though th' evince the Godly; +But if they will not serve to clear +My honour, I am ne'er the near. +Honour is like that glassy bubble 385 +That finds philosophers such trouble, +Whose least part crack't, the whole does fly, +And wits are crack'd to find out why. + +Quoth RALPHO, Honour's but a word +To swear by only in a Lord: 390 +In other men 'tis but a huff, +To vapour with instead of proof; +That, like a wen, looks big and swells, +Is senseless, and just nothing else. + +Let it (quoth he) be what it will, 395 +It has the world's opinion still. +But as men are not wise that run +The slightest hazard they may shun, +There may a medium be found out +To clear to all the world the doubt; 400 +And that is, if a man may do't, +By proxy whipt, or substitute. + +Though nice and dark the point appear, +(Quoth RALPH) it may hold up and clear. +That sinners may supply the place 405 +Of suff'ring Saints is a plain case. +Justice gives sentence many times +On one man for another's crimes. + +Our brethren of NEW ENGLAND use +Choice malefactors to excuse, 410 +And hang the guiltless in their stead, +Of whom the Churches have less need; +As lately 't happen'd: In a town <p> +There liv'd a cobler, and but one, +That out of doctrine could cut use, 415 +And mend men's lives as well as shoes, +This precious brother having slain, +In time of peace, an Indian, +(Not out of malice, but mere zeal, +Because he was an Infidel,) 420 +The mighty TOTTIPOTTYMOY +Sent to our elders an envoy, +Complaining sorely of the breach +Of league held forth by brother Patch +Against the articles in force 425 +Between both Churches, his and ours +For which he crav'd the Saints to render +Into his hands or hang th' offender +But they maturely having weigh'd, +They had no more but him o' th' trade, 430 +(A man that serv'd them in a double +Capacity, to teach and cobble,) +Resolv'd to spare him; yet, to do +The Indian Hoghgan Moghgan too +Impartial justice, in his stead did 435 +Hang an old Weaver, that was bed-rid. +Then wherefore way not you be skipp'd, +And in your room another whipp'd? +For all Philosophers, but the Sceptick, +Hold whipping may be sympathetick. 440 + +It is enough, quoth HUDIBRAS, +Thou hast resolv'd and clear'd the case +And canst, in conscience, not refuse +From thy own doctrine to raise use. +I know thou wilt not (for my sake) 445 +Be tender-conscienc'd of thy back. +Then strip thee off thy carnal jerking, +And give thy outward-fellow a ferking; +For when thy vessel is new hoop'd, +All leaks of sinning will be stopp'd. 450 + +Quoth RALPHO, You mistake the matter; +For in all scruples of this nature, +No man includes himself, nor turns +The point upon his own concerns. +As no man of his own self catches 455 +The itch, or amorous French aches +So no man does himself convince, +By his own doctrine, of his sins +And though all cry down self, none means +His ownself in a literal sense. 460 +Beside, it is not only foppish, +But vile, idolatrous and Popish, +For one man, out of his own skin, +To ferk and whip another's sin; +As pedants out of school-boys' breeches 465 +Do claw and curry their own itches. +But in this case it is prophane, +And sinful too, because in vain; +For we must take our oaths upon it, +You did the deed, when I have done it. 470 + +Quoth HUDIBRAS, That's answer'd soon +Give us the whip, we'll lay it on. + +Quoth RALPHO, That we may swear true, +'Twere properer that I whipp'd you +For when with your consent 'tis done, 475 +The act is really your own. + +Quoth HUDIBRAS, It is in vain +(I see) to argue 'gainst the grain; +Or, like the stars, incline men to +What they're averse themselves to do: 480 +For when disputes are weary'd out, +'Tis interest still resolves the doubt +But since no reason can confute ye, +I'll try to force you to your duty +For so it is, howe'er you mince it; 485 +As ere we part, I shall evince it +And curry (if you stand out) whether +You will or no, your stubborn leather. +Canst thou refuse to hear thy part +I' th' publick work, base as thou art? 490 +To higgle thus for a few blows, +To gain thy Knight an op'lent spouse +Whose wealth his bowels yearn to purchase, +Merely for th' interest of the Churches; +And when he has it in his claws, 495 +Will not be hide-bound to the Cause? +Nor shalt thou find him a Curmudgin, +If thou dispatch it without grudging. +If not, resolve, before we go, +That you and I must pull a crow. 500 + +Y' had best (quoth RALPHO) as the ancients +Say wisely, Have a care o' th' main chance, +And look before you ere you leap; +For as you sow, y' are like to reap: +And were y' as good as George-a-Green, 505 +I shall make bold to turn agen +Nor am I doubtful of the issue +In a just quarrel, and mine is so. +Is't fitting for a man of honour +To whip the Saints, like Bishop Bonner? 510 +A Knight t' usurp the beadle's office, +For which y' are like to raise brave trophies. +But I advise you (not for fear, +But for your own sake) to forbear; +And for the Churches, which may chance, 515 +From hence, to spring a variance; +And raise among themselves new scruples, +Whom common danger hardly couples. +Remember how, in arms and politicks, +We still have worsted all your holy tricks; 520 +Trepann'd your party with intrigue, +And took your grandees down a peg; +New modell'd th' army, and cashier'd +All that to legion SMEC adher'd; +Made a mere utensil o' your Church, 525 +And after left it in the lurch +A scaffold to build up our own, +And, when w' had done with't, pull'd it down +Capoch'd your Rabbins of the Synod, +And snap'd their Canons with a why-not; 530 +(Grave Synod Men, that were rever'd +For solid face and depth of beard;) +Their classic model prov'd a maggot, +Their direct'ry an Indian Pagod; +And drown'd their discipline like a kitten, 535 +On which they'd been so long a sitting; +Decry'd it as a holy cheat, +Grown out of date, and obsolete; +And all the Saints of the first grass +As casting foals of Balaam's ass. 540 + +At this the Knight grew high in chafe, +And staring furiously on RALPH, +He trembled, and look'd pale with ire +Like ashes first, then red as fire. +Have I (quoth he) been ta'en in fight, 545 +And for so many moons lain by't, +And, when all other means did fail, +<q> Have been exchang'd for tubs of ale? +Not but they thought me worth a ransome +Much more consid'rable and handsome, 550 +But for their own sakes, and for fear +They were not safe when I was there +Now to be baffled by a scoundrel, +An upstart sect'ry, and a mungrel; +Such as breed out of peccant humours, 555 +Of our own Church, like wens or tumours, +And, like a maggot in a sore, +Would that which gave it life devour; +It never shall be done or said; +With that he seiz'd upon his blade; 560 +And RALPHO too, as quick and bold, +Upon his basket-hilt laid hold, +With equal readiness prcpar'd +To draw, and stand upon his guard; +When both were parted on the sudden, 565 + With hideous clamour, and a loud one +As if all sorts of noise had been +Contracted into one loud din; +Or that some member to be chosen, +Had got the odds above a thousand, 570 +And by the greatness of its noise, +Prov'd fittest for his country's choice. +This strange surprisal put the Knight +And wrathful Squire into a fright; +And though they stood prepar'd, with fatal 575 +Impetuous rancour to join battel, +Both thought it was the wisest course +To wave the fight and mount to horse, +And to secure by swift retreating, +Themselves from danger of worse beating. 580 +Yet neither of them would disparage, +By utt'ring of his mind, his courage, +Which made them stoutly keep their ground, +With horror and disdain wind-bound. + +And now the cause of all their fear 585 +By slow degrees approach'd so near, +They might distinguish different noise +Of horns, and pans, and dogs, and boys, +And kettle-drums, whose sullen dub +Sounds like the hooping of a tub. 590 +But when the sight appear'd in view, +They found it was an antique show; +A triumph, that, for pomp and state, +Did proudest Romans emulate: +For as the aldermen of Rome 595 +Their foes at training overcome, +And not enlarging territory, +(As some mistaken write in Story,) +Being mounted, in their best array, +Upon a carr, and who but they! 600 +And follow'd with a world of tall-lads, +That merry ditties troll'd, and ballads, +Did ride with many a good-morrow, +Crying, Hey for our Town! through the Borough +So when this triumph drew so nigh 605 +They might particulars descry, +They never saw two things so pat, +In all respects, as this and that. +First, he that led the cavalcade, +Wore a sow-gelder's flagellate, 610 +On which he blew as strong a levet +As well-fee'd lawyer on his breviate, +When over one another's heads +They charge (three ranks at once) like Swedes, +Next pans and kettle, of all keys, 615 +From trebles down to double base; +And after them, upon a nag, +That might pass for a forehand stag, +A cornet rode, and on his staff +A smock display'd did proudly wave. 620 +Then bagpipes of the loudest drones, +With snuffling broken-winded tones, +Whose blasts of air, in pockets shut +Sound filthier than from the gut, +And make a viler noise than swine 625 +In windy weather, when they whine. +Next one upon a pair of panniers, +Full fraught with that which for good manners +Shall here be nameless, mixt with grains, +Which he dispens'd among the swains, 630 +And busily upon the crowd +At random round about bestow'd. +Then, mounted on a horned horse, +One bore a gauntlet and gilt spurs, +Ty'd to the pummel of a long sword 635 +He held reverst, the point turn'd downward, +Next after, on a raw-bon'd steed, +The conqueror's standard-bearer rid, +And bore aloft before the champion +A petticoat display'd, and rampant 640 +Near whom the Amazon triumphant +Bestrid her beast, and on the rump on't +Sat face to tail, and bum to bum, +The warrior whilom overcome; +Arm'd with a spindle and a distaff, 645 +Which, as he rode, she made him twist off; +And when he loiter'd, o'er her shoulder +Chastis'd the reformado soldier. +Before the dame, and round about, +March'd whifflers and staffiers on foot, 650 +With lackies, grooms, valets, and pages, +In fit and proper equipages; +Of whom some torches bore, some links, +Before the proud virago minx, +That was both Madam and a Don, 655 +Like NERO'S SPORUS, or POPE JOAN; +And at fit periods the whole rout +Set up their throats with clamorous shout. +The Knight, transported, and the Squire, +Put up their weapons, and their ire; 660 +And HUDIBRAS, who us'd to ponder +On such sights with judicious wonder, +Could hold no longer to impart +His animadversions, for his heart. + +Quoth he, In all my life, till now, 665 +I ne'er saw so prophane a show. +It is a Paganish invention, -- +Which heathen writers often mention: +And he who made it had read GOODWIN, +Or Ross, or CAELIUS RHODOGINE, 670 +With all the Grecians, SPEEDS and STOWS, +That best describe those ancient shows; +And has observ'd all fit decorums +We find describ'd by old historians: +For as the Roman conqueror, 675 +That put an end to foreign war, +Ent'ring the town in triumph for it, +<r> Bore a slave with him, in his chariot; +So this insulting female brave, +Carries behind her here a slave: 680 +And as the ancients long ago, +When they in field defy'd the foe, +<s> Hung out their mantles della guerre, +So her proud standard-bearer here +Waves on his spear, in dreadful manner, 685 +A Tyrian-petticoat for banner: +<t> Next links and torches, heretofore +Still borne before the emperor. +And as, in antique triumphs, eggs +Were borne for mystical intrigues, 690 +There's one with truncheon, like a ladle, +That carries eggs too, fresh or addle; +And still at random, as he goes, +Among the rabble-rout bestows. + +Quoth Ralpho, You mistake the matter; 695 +For all th' antiquity you smatter, +Is but a riding, us'd of course +When the grey mare's the better horse; +When o'er the breeches greedy women +Fight to extend their vast dominion; 700 +And in the cause impatient Grizel +Has drubb'd her Husband with bull's pizzle, +And brought him under Covert-Baron, +To turn her vassal with a murrain; +When wives their sexes shift, like hares, 705 +And ride their husbands like night-mares, +And they in mortal battle vanquish'd, +Are of their charter disenfranchis'd +And by the right of war, like gills, +Condemn'd to distaff, horns, and wheels: 710 +For when men by their wives are cow'd, +Their horns of course are understood + +Quoth HUDIBRAS thou still giv'st sentence +Impertinently, and against sense. +Tis not the least disparagement 715 +To be defeated by th' event, +Nor to be beaten by main force; +That does not make a man the worse, +Although his shoulders with battoon +Be claw'd and cudgel'd to some tune. 720 +A taylor's 'prentice has no hard +Measure that's bang'd with a true yard: +But to turn tail, or run away, +And without blows give up the day, +Or to surrender ere th' assault, 725 +That's no man's fortune, but his fault, +And renders men of honour less +Than all th' adversity of success; +And only unto such this shew +Of horns and petticoats is due. 730 +There is a lesser profanation, +Like that the Romans call'd ovation: +For as ovation was allow'd +For conquest purchas'd without blood, +So men decree these lesser shows 735 +For victory gotten without blows, +By dint of sharp hard words, which some +Give battle with, and overcome. +These mounted in a chair-curule, +Which moderns call a cucking-stool, 740 +March proudly to the river's side, +And o'er the waves in triumph ride; +Like Dukes of VENICE, who are said +The Adriatick Sea to wed; +And have a gentler wife than those 745 +For whom the State decrees those shows, +But both are heathenish, and come +From th' whores of Babylon and Rome; +And by the Saints should be withstood, +As Antichristian and lewd; 750 +And as such, should now contribute +Our utmost struggling to prohibit. + +This said, they both advanc'd, and rode +A dog-trot through the bawling crowd, +T'attack the leader, and still prest, 755 +Till they approach'd him breast to breast +Then HUDIBRAS, with face and hand, +Made signs for silence; which obtain'd, +What means (quoth he) this Devil's precession +With men of orthodox profession? 760 +'Tis ethnic and idolatrous, +From heathenism deriv'd to us, +Does not the Whore of Babylon ride +Upon her horned beast astride +Like this proud dame, who either is 765 +A type of her, or she of this? +Are things of superstitious function +Fit to be us'd in Gospel Sun-shine? +It is an Antichristian opera, +Much us'd in midnight times of Popery, 770 +Of running after self-inventions +Of wicked and profane intentions; +To scandalize that sex for scolding, +To whom the Saints are so beholden. +Women, who were our first Apostles 775 +Without whose aid we had been lost else; +Women, that left no stone unturn'd +In which the Cause might he concern'd; +Brought in their children's' spoons and whistles, +To purchase swords, carbines, and pistols; 780 +Their husbands, cullies, and sweet-hearts, +To take the Saints and Churches' parts; +Drew several gifted Brethren in, +That for the Bishops would have been, +And fix'd 'em constant to the party, 785 +With motives powerful and hearty; +Their husbands robb'd, and made hard shifts +T'administer unto their gifts +All they cou'd rap, and rend, and pilfer, +To scraps and ends of gold and silver; 790 +Rubb'd down the Teachers, tir'd and spent +With holding forth for Parliament, +Pamper'd and edify'd their zeal +With marrow-puddings many a meal; +And led them, with store of meat, 795 +On controverted points to eat; +And cram'd 'em, till their guts did ake, +With cawdle, custard, and plum-cake: +What have they done, or what left undone, +That might advance the Cause at London? 800 +March'd rank and file, with drum and ensign, +T'intrench the city for defence in +Rais'd rampiers with their own soft hands, +To put the enemy to stands; +From ladies down to oyster-wenches, 805 +Labour'd like pioneers in trenches; +Fell to their pick-axes, and tools, +And help'd the men to dig like moles? +Have not the handmaids of the city +Chose of their members a committee, 810 +For raising of a common purse +Out of their wages to raise horse? +And do they not as triers sit, +To judge what officers are fit +Have they --? At that an egg let fly, 815 +Hit him directly o'er the eye, +And running down his cheek, besmear'd, +With orange tawny slime, his beard; +But beard and slime being of one hue, +The wound the less appear'd in view. 820 +Then he that on the panniers rode, +Let fly on th' other side a load, +And, quickly charg'd again, gave fully +In RALPHO'S face another volley. +The Knight was startled with the smell, 825 +And for his sword began to feel; +And RALPHO, smother'd with the stink, +Grasp'd his; when one, that bore a link, +O' th' sudden clapp'd his flaming cudgel, +Like linstock, to the horse's touch-hole; 830 +And straight another, with his flambeaux, +Gave RALPHO'S o'er the eye a damn'd blow. +The beasts began to kick and fling, +And forc'd the rout to make a ring, +Through which they quickly broke their way, 835 +And brought them off from further fray; +And though disorder'd in retreat, +Each of them stoutly kept his seat +For quitting both their swords and reins, +They grasp'd with all their strength the manes, 840 +And, to avoid the foe's pursuit, +With spurring put their cattle to't; +And till all four were out of wind, +And danger too, ne'er look'd behind. +After th' had paus'd a while, supplying 845 +Their spirits, spent with fight and flying, +And HUDIBRAS recruited force +Of lungs, for action or discourse, + +Quoth he, That man is sure to lose +That fouls his hands with dirty foes: 850 +For where no honour's to be gain'd, +'Tis thrown away in b'ing maintain'd. +'Twas ill for us we had to do +With so dishonourable a foe: +For though the law of arms doth bar 855 +The use of venom'd shot in war, +Yet, by the nauseous smell, and noisome, +Their case-shot savours strong of poison; +And doubtless have been chew'd with teeth +Of some that had a stinking breath; 860 +Else, when we put it to the push, +They have not giv'n us such a brush. +But as those pultroons, that fling dirt, +Do but defile, but cannot hurt, +So all the honour they have won, 865 +Or we have lost, is much as one, +'Twas well we made so resolute +And brave retreat without pursuit; +For if we had not, we had sped +Much worse, to be in triumph led; 870 +Than which the ancients held no state +Of man's life more unfortunate. +But if this bold adventure e'er +Do chance to reach the widow's ear, +It may, b'ing destin'd to assert 875 +Her sex's honour, reach her heart: +And as such homely treats (they say) +Portend good fortune, so this may. +<u> VESPASIAN being daub'd with dirt, +Was destin'd to the empire for't; 880 +And from a Scavenger did come +To be a mighty Prince in Rome +And why may not this foul address +Presage in love the same success +Then let us straight, to cleanse our wounds, 885 +Advance in quest of nearest ponds, +And after (as we first design'd) +Swear I've perform'd what she enjoin'd. + + +NOTES TO PART II. CANTO II. + + +15 <n> So th' ancient Stoicks, &c.] In Porticu (Stoicorum +Schola Athenis) Discipulorum Seditionibus mille Quadrigenti +triginta Cives interfecti sunt. -- Diog. Laert. In Vita Zenonis, p. +383. [One thousand four hundred and thirty citizens were killed +in the quarrels of the disciples in the porch (of the Stoic School +of Athens).] Those old Virtuosos were better proficients in +those exercises than modern, who seldom improve higher than +cuffing and kicking. + +19 <o> Bonum is such a kind of animal as our modern virtuosi +from Don Quixote will have windmills under sail to be. The +same authors are of opinion, that all ships are fishes while they +are afloat; but when they are run on ground, & laid up, in the +dock, become ships again. + +413 <p> in a town, &c.] The history of the Cobler had been +attested by persons of good credit, who were upon the place +when it was done. + +548 <q> Have been exchang'd, &c.] The knight was kept +prisoner in Exeter, and, after several exchanges proposed, but +none accepted of, was at last released for a barrel of ale, as he +often used to declare. + +678 <r> Bore a slave with him in his chariot. + ------ Et sibi Consul + Me placeat, curru servus portatur eodem. +[And it pleased the Consul to have me carried as a slave in his +chariot] + +683 <s> Hung out, &c.] Tunica Coccinia solebat pridie quam +dimicandum esset, supra praetorium poni, quasi admonito, & +indicium futurae pugnae. [The praetors wore scarlet tunics on +the day before the battle, for a warning, and a portent of the +future. ] Lipsius in Tacit. p. 56. + + +687 <t> next links, &c.] That the Roman Emperors were wont +to have torches borne before them (by day) appears by Herodian +in Pertinace. Lipsius in Tacit. p. 16. + +879 <u> Vespasian being dawb'd, &c.] C. Caesar sucensens, +propter curam verrendis viis non adhibitam, Luto jussit appleri +congesto per milites in praetexte sinum. Sueton. in Vespas. C.5. + + + +PART II + + +CANTO III. + + +THE ARGUMENT + +------------------------------------------------- +The Knight, with various Doubts possest, +To win the Lady goes in quest +Of Sidrophel, the Rosy-Crucian, +To know the Dest'nies' Resolution; +With whom being met, they both chop Logick +About the Science Astrologick, +Till falling from Dispute to Fight, +The Conj'rer's worsted by the Knight. +------------------------------------------------- + + +Doubtless the pleasure is as great +Of being cheated as to cheat; +As lookers-on feel most delight, +That least perceive a jugler's slight; +And still the less they understand, 5 +The more th' admire his slight of hand. + +Some with a noise, and greasy light, +Are snapt, as men catch larks by night; +Ensnar'd and hamper'd by the soul, +As nooses by their legs catch fowl l0 +Some with a med'cine, and receipt, +Are drawn to nibble at the bait; +And tho' it be a two-foot trout, +'Tis with a single hair pull'd out. + +Others believe no voice t' an organ 15 +So sweet as lawyer's in his bar-gown, +Until with subtle cobweb-cheats +Th'are catch'd in knotted law, like nets; +In which, when once they are imbrangled, +The more they stir, the more they're tangled; 20 +And while their purses can dispute, +There's no end of th' immortal suit. + +Others still gape t' anticipate +The cabinet-designs of fate; +Apply to wizards, to foresee 25 +What shall and what shall never be; +And, as those vultures do forebode, +Believe events prove bad or good: +A flam more senseless than the roguery +Of old aruspicy and aug'ry. 30 +That out of garbages of cattle +Presag'd th' events of truce or battle; +From flight of birds, or chickens pecking, +Success of great'st attempts would reckon: +Though cheats, yet more intelligible 35 +Than those that with the stars do fribble. +This HUDIBRAS by proof found true, +As in due time and place we'll shew: +For he, with beard and face made clean, +B'ing mounted on his steed agen, 40 +(And RALPHO got a cock-horse too +Upon his beast, with much ado) +Advanc'd on for the Widow's house, +To acquit himself, and pay his vows; +When various thoughts began to bustle, 45 +And with his inward man to justle +He thought what danger might accrue +If she should find he swore untrue; +Or if his squire or he should fail, +And not be punctual in their tale: 50 +It might at once the ruin prove +Both of his honour, faith, and love. +But if he should forbear to go, +She might conclude h'had broke his vow; +And that he durst not now for-shame 55 +Appear in court to try his claim. +This was the pen'worth of his thought, +To pass time and uneasy trot. + +Quoth he, In all my past adventures +I ne'er was set so on the tenters; 60 +Or taken tardy with dilemma, +That ev'ry way I turn does hem me, +And with inextricable doubt +Besets my puzzled wits about: +For tho' the dame has been my bail, 65 +To free me from enchanted jail, +Yet as a dog, committed close +For some offence, by chance breaks loose, +And quits his clog, but all in vain, +He still draws after him his chain; 70 +So, though my ankle she has quitted, +My heart continues still committed; +And like a bail'd and main-priz'd lover, +Altho' at large, I am bound over; +And when I shall appear in court, 75 +To plead my cause, and answer for't, +Unless the judge do partial prove, +What will become of me and love? +For if in our account we vary, +Or but in circumstance miscarry; 80 +Or if she put me to strict proof, +And make me pull my doublet off, +To shew, by evident record +Writ on my skin, I've kept my Word; +How can I e'er expect to have her, 85 +Having demurr'd onto her favour? +But faith, and love, and honour lost,. +Shall be reduc'd t' a Knight o' th' Post. +Beside, that stripping may prevent +What I'm to prove by argument, 90 +And justify I have a tail +And that way, too, my proof may fail. +Oh that I cou'd enucleate, +And solve the problems of my fate +Or find, by necromantick art, 95 +How far the dest'nies take my part +For if I were not more than certain +To win and wear her, and her fortune, +I'd go no farther in his courtship, +To hazard soul, estate, and worship 100 +For though an oath obliges not +Where any thing is to be got, +(As thou last prov'd) yet 'tis profane, +And sinful, when men swear in vain. + +Quoth RALPH, Not far from hence doth dwell 105 +A cunning man, hight SIDROPHEL, +That deals in destiny's dark counsels, +And sage opinions of the Moon sells; +To whom all people, far and near, +On deep importances repair; 110 +When brass and pewter hap to stray, +And linen slinks out of the way; +When geese and pullen are seduc'd, +And sows of sucking-pigs are chows'd; +When cattle feel indisposition, 115 +And need th' opinion of physician; +When murrain reigns in hogs or sheep. +And chickens languish of the pip; +When yeast and outward means do fail, +And have no pow'r to work on ale: 120 +When butter does refuse to come, +And love proves cross and humoursome: +To him with questions, and with urine, +They for discov'ry flock, or curing. + +Quoth HUDIBRAS, This SIDROPHEL 125 +I've heard of, and should like it well, +If thou canst prove the Saints have freedom +To go to Sorc'rers when they need 'em. + +Says RALPHO, There's no doubt of that +Whose principles I quoted late, 130 +Prove that the Godly may alledge +For any thing their Privilege; +And to the Dev'l himself may go, +If they have motives thereunto. +For, as there is a war between 135 +The Dev'l and them, it is no sin, +If they by subtle stratagem +Make use of him, as he does them. +Has not this present Parliament +A <w> Ledger to the Devil sent, 140 +Fully impowr'd to treat about +Finding revolted witches out +And has not he, within a year, +Hang'd threescore of 'em in one shire? +Some only for not being drown'd, 145 +And some for sitting above ground, +Whole days and nights, upon their breeches, +And feeling pain, were hang'd for witches. +And some for putting knavish tricks +Upon green geese and turky-chicks, 150 +And pigs, that suddenly deceast +Of griefs unnat'ral, as he guest; +Who after prov'd himself a witch +And made a rod for his own breech. +Did not the Devil appear to MARTIN 155 +LUTHER in Germany for certain; +And wou'd have gull'd him with a trick, +But Martin was too politick? +Did he not help the <x> Dutch to purge +At ANTWERP their Cathedral Church? 160 +<y> Sing catches to the Saints at MASCON, +And tell them all they came to ask him +<z> Appear'd in divers shapes to KELLY, +And speak i' th' Nun of LOUDON's belly? +<a> Meet with the Parliament's Committee 165 +At WOODSTOCK on a pers'nal treaty? +<b> At SARUM take a cavalier +I' th' Cause's service prisoner +As WITHERS, in immortal rhime, +Has register'd to after-time! 170 +Do not nor great Reformers use +This SIDROPHEL to forebode news? +To write of victories next year, +And castles taken yet i' th' air +Of battles fought at sea, and ships 175 +Sank two years hence, the last eclipse? +A total overthrow giv'n the King +In Cornwall, horse and foot, next Spring! +And has not he point-blank foretold +Whats'e'er the Close Committee would? 180 +Made Mars and Saturn for the Cause +The moon for Fundamental Laws? +The Ram, the Bull, and Goat declare +Against the Book of Common-Pray'r? +The Scorpion take the Protestation, 185 +And Bear engage for Reformation? +Made all the Royal Stars recant, +Compound and take the Covenant? + +Quoth HUDIBRAS, The case is clear, +The Saints may 'mploy a Conjurer, 190 +As thou hast prov'd it by their practice; +No argument like matter of fact is; +And we are best of all led to +Men's principles by what they do. +Then let us straight advance in quest 195 +Of this profound Gymnosophist +And as the Fates and he advise, +Pursue or wave this enterprise, + +This said, he turn'd about his steed, +And eftsoons on th' adventure rid; 200 +Where leave we him and RALPH a while, +And to the Conjurer turn our stile, +To let our reader understand +What's useful of him before-hand. + +He had been long t'wards mathematicks, 205 +Optics, philosophy, and staticks, +Magick, horoscopy, astrology, +And was old dog at physiology +But as a dog that turns the spit +Bestirs himself, and plies his feet, 210 +To climb the wheel, but all in vain, +His own weight brings him down again, +And still he's in the self-same place +Where at his setting out h was +So in the circle of the arts 215 +Did he advance his nat'ral parts, +Till falling back still, for retreat, +He fell to juggle, cant, and cheat: +For as those fowls that live in water +Are never wet, he did but smatter: 220 +Whate'er he labour'd to appear, +His understanding still was clear +Yet none a deeper knowledge boasted, +Since old <c> HODGE-BACON and BOB GROSTED. +Th' Intelligible World he knew, 225 +And all men dream on't to be true; +That in this world there's not a wart +That has not there a counterpart; +Nor can there on the face of ground +An individual beard be found, 230 +That has not, in that foreign nation, +A fellow of the self-same fashion +So cut, so colour'd, and so curl'd, +As those are in th' Inferior World. +H' had read DEE's Prefaces before, 235 +The DEV'L, and EUCLID, o'er and o'er; +And all the intrigues 'twixt him and KELLY, +LESCUS and th' EMPEROR, wou'd tell ye; +But with the Moon was more familiar +Than e'er was almanack well-willer; 240 +Her secrets understood so clear, +That some believ'd he had been there; +Knew when she was in the fittest mood +For cutting corns, or letting blood; +When for anointing scabs or itches, 245 +Or to the bum applying leeches; +When sows and bitches may be spay'd, +And in what sign best cyder's made: +Whether the wane be, or increase, +Best to set garlick, or sow pease: 250 +Who first found out the Man i' th' Moon, +That to the ancients was unknown; +How many dukes, and earls, and peers, +Are in the planetary spheres; +Their airy empire and command, 255 +Their sev'ral strengths by sea and land; +What factions th' have, and what they drive at +In public vogue, or what in private; +With what designs and interests +Each party manages contests. 260 +He made an instrument to know +If the Moon shine at full or no; +That wou'd as soon as e'er she shone, straight +Whether 'twere day or night demonstrate; +Tell what her d'meter t' an inch is, 265 +And prove that she's not made of green cheese. +It wou'd demonstrate, that the Man in +The Moon's a Sea Mediterranean; +And that it is no dog nor bitch, +That stands behind him at his breech, 270 +But a huge Caspian Sea, or lake, +With arms, which men for legs mistake; +How large a gulph his tail composes, +And what a goodly bay his nose is; +How many German leagues by th' scale 275 +Cape Snout's from Promontory Tail. +He made a planetary gin, +Which rats would run their own heads in, +And cause on purpose to be taken, +Without th' expence of cheese or bacon. 280 +With lute-strings he would counterfeit +Maggots that crawl on dish of meat: +Quote moles and spots on any place +O' th' body, by the index face: +Detect lost maiden-heads by sneezing, 285 +Or breaking wind of dames, or pissing; +Cure warts and corns with application +Of med'cines to th' imagination; +Fright agues into dogs, and scare +With rhimes the tooth-ach and catarrh; 290 +Chace evil spirits away by dint +Of cickle, horse-shoe, hollow-flint; +Spit fire out of a walnut-shell, +Which made the Roman slaves rebel; +And fire a mine in China here 295 +With sympathetic gunpowder. +He knew whats'ever's to be known, +But much more than he knew would own; +What med'cine 'twas that PARACELSUS +Could make a man with, as he tells us; 300 +What figur'd slates are best to make +On watry surface duck or drake; +What bowling-stones, in running race +Upon a board, have swiftest pace; +Whether a pulse beat in the black 305 +List of a dappled louse's back; +If systole or diastole move +Quickest when he's in wrath or love +When two of them do run a race, +Whether they gallop, trot, or pace: 310 +How many scores a flea will jump, +Of his own length, from head to rump; +Which <d> SOCRATES and CHAEREPHON, +In vain, assay'd so long agon; +Whether his snout a perfect nose is, 315 +And not an elephant's proboscis +How many diff'rent specieses +Of maggots breed in rotten cheese +And which are next of kin to those +Engender'd in a chandler's nose; 320 +Or those not seen, but understood, +That live in vinegar and wood. + +A paultry wretch he had, half-starv'd, +That him in place of Zany serv'd. +Hight WHACHUM, bred to dash and draw, 325 +Not wine, but more unwholesome law +To make 'twixt words and lines huge gaps, +Wide as meridians in maps; +To squander paper, and spare ink, +And cheat men of their words, some think. 330 +From this, by merited degrees, +He'd to more high advancement rise; +To be an under-conjurer, +A journeyman astrologer. +His business was to pump and wheedle, 335 +And men with their own keys unriddle; +And make them to themselves give answers, +For which they pay the necromancers; +To fetch and carry intelligence, +Of whom, and what, and where, and whence, 340 +And all discoveries disperse +Among th' whole pack of conjurers +What cut-purses have left with them +For the right owners to redeem; +And what they dare not vent find out, 345 +To gain themselves and th' art repute; +Draw figures, schemes, and horoscopes, +Of Newgate, Bridewell, brokers' shops, +Of thieves ascendant in the cart; +And find out all by rules of art; 350 +Which way a serving-man, that's run +With cloaths or money away, is gone: +Who pick'd a fob at holding forth; +And where a watch, for half the worth, +May be redeem'd; or stolen plate 355 +Restor'd at conscionable rate. +Beside all this, he serv'd his master +In quality of poetaster; +And rhimes appropriate could make +To ev'ry month i' th almanack 360 +What terms begin and end could tell, +With their returns, in doggerel; +When the exchequer opes and shuts, +And sowgelder with safety cuts +When men may eat and drink their fill, 365 +And when be temp'rate, if they will; +When use and when abstain from vice, +Figs, grapes, phlebotomy, and spice. +And as in prison mean rogues beat +Hemp for the service of the great, 370 +So WHACHUM beats his dirty brains, +T' advance his master's fame and gains +And, like the Devil's oracles, +Put into doggrel rhimes his spells, +Which, over ev'ry month's blank page 375 +I' th' almanack, strange bilks presage. +He would an elegy compose +On maggots squeez'd out of his nose; +In lyrick numbers write an ode on +His mistress, eating a black-pudden: 380 +And when imprison'd air escap'd her, +It puft him with poetic rapture. +His sonnets charm'd th' attentive crowd, +By wide-mouth'd mortal troll'd aloud, +That 'circl'd with his long-ear'd guests, 385 +Like ORPHEUS look'd among the beasts. +A carman's horse could not pass by, +But stood ty'd up to poetry: +No porter's burthen pass'd along, +But serv'd for burthen to his song: 390 +Each window like a pill'ry appears, +With heads thrust through, nail'd by the ears +All trades run in as to the sight +Of monsters, or their dear delight +The gallow tree, when cutting purse 395 +Breeds bus'ness for heroic verse, +Which none does hear, but would have hung +T' have been the theme of such a song. + +Those two together long had liv'd, +In mansion prudently contriv'd; 400 +Where neither tree nor house could bar +The free detection of a star +And nigh an ancient obelisk +<e> Was rais'd by him, found out by FISK, +On which was a written not in words, 405 +But hieroglyphic mute of birds, +Many rare pithy saws concerning +The worth of astrologic learning. +From top of this there hung a rope, +To a which he fasten'd telescope; 410 +The spectacles with which the stars +He reads in smallest characters. +It happen'd as a boy, one night, +Did fly his tarsel of a kite, +The strangest long-wing'd hawk that flies, 415 +That, like a bird of Paradise, +Or herald's martlet, has no legs, +Nor hatches young ones, nor lays eggs; +His train was six yards long, milk-white, +At th' end of which there hung a light, 420 +Inclos'd in lanthorn, made of paper, +That far off like a star did appear. +This SIDROPHEL by chance espy'd, +And with amazement staring wide, +Bless us! quoth he, what dreadful wonder 425 +Is that appears in heaven yonder? +A comet, and without a beard! +Or star that ne'er before appear'd! +I'm certain 'tis not in the scrowl +Of all those beasts, and fish, and fowl, 430 +With which, like Indian plantations, +The learned stock the constellations +Nor those that draw for signs have bin +To th' houses where the planets inn. +It must be supernatural, 435 +<e> Unless it be that cannon-ball +That, shot i' th' air point-blank upright, +Was borne to that prodigious height, +That learn'd Philosophers maintain, +It ne'er came backwards down again; 440 +But in the airy region yet +Hangs like the body of MAHOMET +For if it be above the shade +That by the earth's round bulk is made, +'Tis probable it may from far 445 +Appear no bullet, but a star. + +This said, he to his engine flew, +Plac'd near at hand, in open view, +And rais'd it 'till it levell'd right +Against the glow-worm tail of kite, 450 +Then peeping thro', Bless us! (quoth he) +It is a planet, now I see +And, if I err not, by his proper +Figure, that's like tobacco-stopper, +It should be Saturn. Yes, 'tis clear 455 +'Tis Saturn; but what makes him there? +He's got between the Dragon's Tail +And farther Leg behind o' th' Whale. +Pray heav'n divert the fatal omen, +For 'tis a prodigy not common; 460 +And can no less than the world's end, +Or Nature's funeral, portend. + +With that he fell again to pry. +Thro' perspective more wistfully, +When by mischance the fatal string, 465 +That kept the tow'ring fowl on wing, +Breaking, down fell the star. Well shot, +Quoth WHACHUM, who right wisely thought +H' had levell'd at a star, and hit it +But SIDROPHEL, more subtle-witted, 470 +Cry'd out, What horrible and fearful +Portent is this, to see a star fall? +It threatens nature, and the doom +Will not be long before it come +When stars do fail, 'tis plain enough, 475 +The day of judgment's not far off; +<f> As lately 'twas reveal'd to SEDGWICK, +And some of us find out by magick. +Then since the time we have to live +In this world's shorten'd, let us strive 480 +To make our best advantage of it, +And pay our losses with our profit. + +This feat fell out not long before +The Knight, upon the forenam'd score, +In quest of SIDROPHEL advancing, 485 +Was now in prospect of the mansion +Whom he discov'ring, turn'd his glass, +And found far off, 'twas HUDIBRAS. + +WHACHUM, (quoth he), look yonder, some +To try or use our art are come 490 +The one's the learned Knight: seek out, +And pump 'em what they come about. +WHACHUM advanc'd, with all submissness, +T' accost em, but much more their bus'ness. +He held a stirrup, while the Knight 495 +From leathern bare-bones did alight +And taking from his hand the bridle, +Approach'd the dark Squire to unriddle. +He gave him first the time o' th' day, +And welcom'd him, as he might say: 500 +He ask'd him whence he came, and whither +Their bus'ness lay? Quoth RALPHO, Hither. +Did you not lose? Quoth RALPHO, Nay. +Quoth WHACHUM, Sir, I meant your way! +Your Knight -- Quoth RALPHO, Is a lover, 505 +And pains intolerable doth suffer: +For lovers' hearts are not their own hearts, +Nor lights, nor lungs, and so forth downwards. +What time, (quoth RALPHO), Sir? -- Too long +Three years it off and on has hung. -- 510 +Quoth he, I meant what time o'the day 'tis. -- +Quoth RALPHO, Between seven and eight 'tis. +Why then, (quoth Whachum) my small art +Tells me, the dame has a hard heart, +Or great estate. -- Quoth RALPH, A jointer, 515 +Which makes him have so hot a mind t'her. +Mean while the Knight was making water, +Before he fell upon the matter; +Which having done, the Wizard steps in, +To give him suitable reception 520 +But kept his bus'ness at a bay +Till WHACHUM put him in the way; +Who having now, by RALPHO's light. +Expounded th' errand of the Knight, +And what he came to know, drew near, 525 +To whisper in the Conj'rer's ear, +Which he prevented thus: What was't, +Quoth he, that I was saying last, +Before these gentlemen arriv'd? +Quoth WHACHUM, Venus you retriev'd, 530 +In opposition with Mars, +And no benigne friendly stars +T' allay the effect. -- Quoth Wizard, So +In Virgo? Ha! -- Quoth WHACHUM, No. +Has Saturn nothing to do in it? 535 +One-tenth of's circle to a minute. +'Tis well, quoth he. -- Sir, you'll excuse +This rudeness I am forc'd to use +It is a scheme and face of Heaven, +As the aspects are dispos'd this even, 540 +I was contemplating upon +When you arriv'd; but now I've done, + +Quoth HUDIBRAS, If I appear +Unseasonable in coming here +At such a tone, to interrupt, 545 +Your speculations, which I hop'd +Assistance from, and come to use, +'T is fit that I ask your excuse. +By no means, Sir, quoth SIDROPHEL; +The stars your coming did foretel: 550 +I did expect you here, and knew, +Before you spake, your bus'ness too. + +Quoth HUDIBRAS, Make that appear, +And I shall credit whatsoe'er +You tell me after on your word, 555 +Howe'er unlikely, or absurd. + +You are in love, Sir, with a widow, +Quoth he, that does not greatly heed you, +And for three years has rid your wit +And passion without drawing bit: 560 +And now your bus'ness is to know, +If you shall carry her or no. + +Quoth HUDIBRAS, You're in the right; +But how the Devil you came by't +I can't imagine; for the Stars, 565 +I'm sure, can tell no more than a horse; +Nor can their aspects (though you pore +Your eyes out on 'em) tell you more +Than th' oracle of sieve and sheers, +That turns as certain as the spheres: 570 +But if the Devil's of your counsel, +Much may be done my noble Donzel; +And 'tis on his account I come, +To know from you my fatal doom. + +Quoth SIDROPHEL, If you Suppose, 575 +Sir Knight, that I am one of those, +I might suspect, and take the alarm, +Your bus'ness is but to inform; +But if it be, 'tis ne'er the near; +You have a wrong sow by the ear; 580 +For I assure you, for my part, +I only deal by rules of art, +Such as are lawful, and judge by +Conclusions of Astrology: +But for the Dev'l, know nothing by him; 585 +But only this, that I defy him. + +Quoth he, Whatever others deem ye, +I understand your metonymy: +Your words of second-hand intention, +When things by wrongful names you mention; 590 +The mystick sense of all your terms, +That are, indeed, but magick charms +To raise the Devil, and mean one thing, +And that is down-right conjuring; +And in itself more warrantable, 595 +Than cheat, or canting to a rabble, +Or putting tricks upon the Moon, +Which by confed'racy are done. +Your ancient conjurers were wont +To make her from her sphere dismount. 600 +And to their incantations stoop: +They scorn'd to pore thro' telescope, +Or idly play at bo-peep with her, +To find out cloudy or fair weather, +Which ev'ry almanack can tell, 605 +Perhaps, as learnedly and well, +As you yourself -- Then, friend, I doubt +You go the furthest way about. +<g> Your modern Indian magician +Makes but a hole in th' earth to piss in, 610 +And straight resolves all questions by't, +And seldom fails to be i'th' right. +The Rosy-Crucian way's more sure +To bring the Devil to the lure; +Each of 'em has a sev'ral gin 615 +To catch intelligences in. +Some by the nose with fumes trepan 'em, +As DUNSTAN did the Devil's grannam; +Others, with characters and words, +Catch 'em, as men in nets do birds; 620 +And some with symbols, signs, and tricks, +Engrav'd with planetary nicks, +With their own influences will fetch 'em +Down from their orbs, arrest, and catch 'em; +Make 'em depose and answer to 625 +All questions e're they let them go. + <h> BUMBASTUS kept a Devil's bird +Shut in the pummel of his sword, +That taught him all the cunning pranks +Of past and future mountebanks. 630 +KELLY did all his feats upon +The Devil's looking-glass, a stone; +Where playing with him at bo-peep, +He solv'd all problems ne'er so deep. +<i> AGRIPPA kept a Stygian pug, 635 +I' th' garb and habit of a dog, +That was his tutor, and the cur +Read to th' occult philosopher, +And taught him subt'ly to maintain +All other sciences are vain. 640 + +To this, quoth SIDROPHELLO, Sir, +AGRIPPA was no conjurer, +Nor PARACELSUS, no, nor BEHMEN; +Nor was the dog a Cacodaemon, +But a true dog, that would shew tricks 645 +For th' emperor, and leap o'er sticks; +Would fetch and carry; was more civil +Than other dogs, but yet no Devil; +And whatsoe'er he's said to do, +He went the self-same way we go. 650 +As for the Rosy-Cross Philosophers, +Whom you will have to be but sorcerers, +What they pretend to is no more, +Than TRISMEGISTUS did before, +PYTHAGORAS, old ZOROASTER, 655 +And APOLLONIUS their master; +To whom they do confess they owe +All that they do, and all they know. + +Quoth HUDIBRAS, Alas! what is't t' us, +Whether 'twas said by TRISMEGISTUS, 660 +If it be nonsense, false, or mystick, +Or not intelligible, or sophistick? +'Tis not antiquity, nor author, +That makes Truth Truth, altho' Times daughter; +'Twas he that put her in the pit 665 +Before he pull'd her out of it; +And as he eats his sons, just so +He feeds upon his daughters too. +Nor does it follow, 'cause a herald, +Can make a gentleman, scarce a year old, 670 +To be descended of a race +Of ancient kings in a small space, +That we should all opinions hold +Authentic that we can make old. + +Quoth SIDROPHEL, It is no part 675 +Of prudence to cry down an art, +And what it may perform deny, +Because you understand not why +(As <k> AVERHOIS play'd but a mean trick +To damn our whole art for eccentrick:) 680 +For Who knows all that knowledge contains +Men dwell not on the tops of mountains, +But on their sides, or rising's seat +So 'tis with knowledge's vast height. +Do not the hist'ries of all ages 685 +Relate miraculous presages, +Of strange turns in the world's affairs, +Foreseen b' Astrologers, Soothsayers, +Chaldeans, learn'd Genethliacks, +And some that have writ almanacks? 690 +<l> The MEDIA N emp'ror dreamt his daughter +Had pist all ASIA under water, +And that a vine, sprung from her haunches, +O'erspread his empire with its branches: +And did not soothsayers expound it, 695 +As after by th' event he found it? +<m> When CAESAR in the senate fell, +Did not the sun eclips'd foretel, +And, in resentment of his slaughter, +Look'd pale for almost a year after? 700 +<n> AUGUSTUS having, b' oversight, +Put on his left shoe 'fore his right, +Had like to have been slain that day +By soldiers mutin'ing for pay. +Are there not myriads of this sort, 705 +Which stories of all times report? +Is it not ominous in all countries +When crows and ravens croak upon trees? +<o> The Roman senate, when within +The city walls an owl was seen 710 +Did cause their clergy, with lustrations, +(Our Synod calls humiliations), +The round-fac'd prodigy t'avert +From doing town or country hurt +And if an owl have so much pow'r, 715 +Why should not planets have much more, +That in a region far above +Inferior fowls of the air move, +And should see further, and foreknow +More than their augury below? 720 +Though that once serv'd the polity +Of mighty states to govern by +And this is what we take in hand +By pow'rful art to understand +Which, how we have perform'd, all ages 725 +Can speak th' events of our presages +Have we not lately, in the Moon, +Found a New World, to the Old unknown? +Discover'd sea and land, COLUMBUS +And MAGELLAN cou'd never compass? 730 +Made mountains with our tubes appear, +And cattle grazing on 'em there? + +Quoth HUDIBRAS, You lie so ope, +That I, without a telescope, +Can mind your tricks out, and descry 735 +Where you tell truth, and where you lye: +For <p> ANAXAGORAS, long agon, +Saw hills, as well as you, i' th' Moon; +And held the Sun was but a piece +Of red-hot ir'n, as big as Greece; 740 +Believ'd the Heav'ns were made of stone, +Because the Sun had voided one; +And, rather than he would recant +Th' opinion, suffer'd banishment. + +But what, alas! is it to us, 745 +Whether i' th' Moon men thus or thus +Do eat their Porridge, cut their corns, +Or whether they have tails or horns? +What trade from thence can you advance, +But what we nearer have from France? 750 +What can our travellers bring home, +That is not to be learnt at Rome? +What politicks, or strange opinions, +That are not in our own dominions? +What science can he brought from thence, 755 +In which we do not here commence? +What revelations, or religions, +That are not in our native regions? +Are sweating lanthorns, or screen-fans, +Made better there than th' are in France? 760 +Or do they teach to sing and play +O' th' gittar there a newer way? +Can they make plays there, that shall fit +The public humour, with less wit? +Write wittier dances, quainter shows, 765 +Or fight with more ingenious blows? +Or does the man i' th' moon look big, +And wear a huger perriwig, +Shew in his gait or face more tricks, +Than our own native lunaticks? 770 +And if w' out-do him here at home, +What good of your design can come? +As wind i' th' hypocondries pent, +Is but a blast if downward sent, +But if it upward chance to fly, 775 +Becomes new Light and Prophecy +So when your speculations tend +Above their just and useful end, +Although they promise strange and great +Discoveries of things far set, 780 +They are but idle dreams and fancies, +And savour strongly of the ganzas. +Tell me but what's the natural cause, +Why on a sign no painter draws +The full moon ever, but the half; 785 +Resolve that with your JACOB's staff; +Or why wolves raise a hubbub at her, +And dogs howl when she shines in water; +And I shall freely give my vote, +You may know something more remote. 790 + +At this deep SIDROPHEL look'd wise, +And staring round with owl-like eyes, +He put his face into a posture +Of sapience, and began to bluster: +For having three times shook his head 795 +To stir his wit up, thus he said +Art has no mortal enemies, +Next ignorance, but owls and geese; +Those consecrated geese in orders, +That to the Capitol were warders; 800 +And being then upon patrol, +With noise alone beat off the Gaul: +Or those Athenian Sceptic owls, +That will not credit their own souls; +Or any science understand, 805 +Beyond the reach of eye or hand; +But meas'ring all things by their own +Knowledge, hold nothing's to be known +Those wholesale criticks, that in coffee- +Houses cry down all philosophy, 810 +And will not know upon what ground +In nature we our doctrine found, +Altho' with pregnant evidence +We can demonstrate it to sense, +As I just now have done to you, 815 +Foretelling what you came to know. +Were the stars only made to light +Robbers and burglarers by night? +To wait on drunkards, thieves, gold-finders, +And lovers solacing behind doors, 820 +Or giving one another pledges +Of matrimony under hedges? +Or witches simpling, and on gibbets +Cutting from malefactors snippets? +Or from the pillory tips of ears 825 +Of Rebel-Saints and perjurers? +Only to stand by, and look on, +But not know what is said or done? +Is there a constellation there, +That was not born and bred up here? 830 +And therefore cannot be to learn +In any inferior concern. +Were they not, during all their lives, +Most of 'em pirates, whores and thieves; +And is it like they have not still 835 +In their old practices some skill +Is there a planet that by birth +Does not derive its house from earth? +And therefore probably must know, +What is and hath been done below. 840 +Who made the Balance, or whence came +The Bull, the Lion, and the Ram? +Did not we here the Argo rig, +Make BERENICE's periwig? +Whose liv'ry does the Coachman wear? 845 +Or who made Cassiopeia's chair? +And therefore, as they came from hence, +With us may hold intelligence. +PLATO deny'd the world can be +Govern'd without geometree, 850 +(For money b'ing the common scale +Of things by measure, weight, and tale, +In all th' affairs of Church and State, +'Tis both the balance and the weight;) +Then much less can it be without 855 +Divine Astrology made out; +That puts the other down in worth, +As far as Heav'n's above the earth. + +These reasons (quoth the Knight) I grant +Are something more significant 860 +Than any that the learned use +Upon this subject to produce; +And yet th' are far from satisfactory, +T' establish and keep up your factory. +Th' Egyptians say, the Sun has twice 865 +Shifted his setting and his rise +Twice has he risen in the west, +As many times set in the east; +But whether that be true or no, +The Dev'l any of you know. 870 +<r> Some hold the heavens like a top, +And kept by circulation. up; +And, were't not for their wheeling round, +They'd instantly fall to the ground: +As sage EMPEDOCLES of old, +And from him modern authors hold. 875 +<s> PLATO believ'd the Sun and Moon +Below all other Planets run. +Some MERCURY, some VENUS, seat +Above the Sun himself in height. +<t> The learned SCALIGER complain'd, 880 +Gainst what COPERNICUS maintain'd, +That, in twelve hundred years and odd, +The Sun had left its ancient road, +And nearer to time earth is come +'Bove fifty thousand miles from home: 885 +Swore 'twas a most notorious flam; +And he that had so little shame +To vent such fopperies abroad, +Deserv'd to have his rump well claw'd; +Which Monsieur BODIN hearing, swore 890 +That he deserv'd the rod much more, +That durst upon a truth give doom; +He knew less than the Pope of Rome. +<u> CARDAN believ'd great states depend +Upon the tip o' th' Bear's tail's end; 895 +That, as she whisk'd it t'wards the Sun, +Strow'd mighty empires up and down; +Which others say must needs be false, +Because your true bears have no tails. +Some say the Zodiack Constellations 900 +Have long since chang'd their antique stations +Above a sign, and prove the same +In Taurus now once in the Ram; +Affirm the trigons chop'd and chang'd, +The wat'ry with the fiery rang'd: 905 +Then how can their effects still hold +To be the same they were of old? +This, though the art were true, would make +Our modern soothsayers mistake: 910 +And in one cause they tell more lies, +In figures and nativities, +Than th' old <w> Chaldean conjurers +In so many hundred thousand years +Beside their nonsense in translating, 915 +For want of accidence and Latin, +Like Idus, and Calendae, Englisht +The quarter-days by skilful linguist; +And yet with canting, sleight and, cheat, +'Twill serve their turn to do the feat; 920 +Make fools believe in their foreseeing +Of things before they are in being +To swallow gudgeons ere th' are catch'd; +And count their chickens ere th' are hatch'd +Make them the constellations prompt, 925 +And give 'em back their own accompt +But still the best to him that gives +The best price for't, or best believes. +Some towns and cities, some, for brevity, +Have cast the 'versal world's nativity, 930 +And made the infant-stars confess, +Like fools or children, what they please. +Some calculate the hidden fates +Of monkeys, puppy-dogs, and cats +Some running-nags and fighting cocks, 935 +Some love, trade, law-suits, and the pox; +Some take a measure of the lives +Of fathers, mothers, husbands, wives; +Make opposition, trine, and quartile, +Tell who is barren, and who fertile; 940 +As if the planet's first aspect +The tender infant did infect +In soul and body, and instill +All future good, and future ill; +Which, in their dark fatalities lurking, 945 +At destin'd periods fall a working; +And break out, like the hidden seeds +Of long diseases, into deeds, +In friendships, enmities, and strife, +And all the emergencies of life. 950 +No sooner does he peep into +The world, but he has done his do; +Catch'd all diseases, took all physick +That cures or kills a man that is sick; +Marry'd his punctual dose of wives; 955 +Is cuckolded, and breaks or thrives. +There's but the twinkling of a star +Between a man of peace and war; +A thief and justice, fool and knave, +A huffing officer and a slave; 960 +A crafty lawyer and a pick-pocket, +A great philosopher and a blockhead; +A formal preacher and a player, +A learn'd physician and manslayer. +As if men from the stars did suck 965 +Old age, diseases, and ill-luck, +Wit, folly, honour, virtue, vice, +Trade, travel, women, claps, and dice; +And draw, with the first air they breathe, +Battle and murder, sudden death. 970 +Are not these fine commodities +To be imported from the skies, +And vended here amongst the rabble, +For staple goods and warrantable? +<x> Like money by the Druids borrow'd, 975 +In th' other world to be restor'd? + +Quoth SIDROPHEL, To let you know +You wrong the art, and artists too, +Since arguments are lost on those +That do our principles oppose, 980 +I will (although I've done't before) +Demonstrate to your sense once more, +And draw a figure, that shall tell you +What you, perhaps, forget befel you, +By way of horary inspection, 985 +Which some account our worst erection. +With that he circles draws, and squares, +With cyphers, astral characters; +Then looks 'em o'er, to und'erstand 'em, +Although set down hob-nab, at random. 990 +Quoth he, This scheme of th' heavens set, +Discovers how in fight you met +At Kingston with a may-pole idol, +And that y' were bang'd both back and side well; +And though you overcame the bear, 995 +The dogs beat you at Brentford fair; +Where sturdy butchers broke your noddle, +And handled you like a fop-doodle. + +Quoth HUDIBRAS, I now perceive +You are no conj'rer, by your leave; 1000 +That <y> paultry story is untrue, +And forg'd to cheat such gulls as you. + +Not true? quoth he; howe'er you vapour, +I can what I affirm make appear. +WHACHUM shall justify't t' your face, 1005 +And prove he was upon the place. +He play'd the Saltinbancho's part, +Transform'd t' a Frenchman by my art +He stole your cloak, and pick'd your pocket, +Chows'd and caldes'd ye like a blockhead: 1010 +And what you lost I can produce, +If you deny it, here i' th' house. + +Quoth HUDIBRAS, I do believe +That argument's demonstrative. +RALPHO, bear witness; and go fetch us 1015 +A constable to seize the wretches +For though th' are both false knaves and cheats, +Impostors, jugglers, counterfeits, +I'll make them serve for perpendiculars +As true as e'er were us'd by bricklayers. 1020 +They're guilty, by their own confessions, +Of felony, and at the sessions, +Upon the bench, I will so handle 'em, +That the <z> vibration of this pendulum +Shalt make all taylors yards of one 1025 +Unanimous opinion, +A thing he long has vapour'd of, +But now shall wake it out of proof. + +Quoth SIDROPHEL, I do not doubt +To find friends that will bear me out, 1030 +Nor have I hazarded my art, +And neck, so long on the state's part, +To be expos'd i' th' end to suffer +By such a braggadocio huffer. + +Huffer! quoth HUDIBRAS: this sword 1035 +Shall down thy false throat craw that word. +RALPHO, make haste, and call an officer, +To apprehend this Stygian sophister, +Meanwhile I'll hold 'em at a bay, +Lest he and WHACHUM run away. 1040 + +But SIDROPHEL who, from the aspect +Of HUDIBRAS did now erect +A figure worse portenting far +Than that of a malignant star, +Believ'd it now the fittest moment 1045 +To shun the danger that might come on't, +While HUDIBRAS was all alone, +And he and WHACHUM, two to one. +This being resolv'd, he spy'd, by chance, +Behind the door, an iron lance, 1050 +That many a sturdy limb had gor'd, +And legs, and loins, and shoulders bor'd: +He snatch'd it up, and made a pass, +To make his way through HUDIBRAS. +WHACHUM had got a fire-fork, 1055 +With which he vow'd to do his work. +But HUDIBRAS was well prepar'd, +And stoutly stood upon his guard: +He put by SIDROPHELLO'S thrust, +And in right manfully he rusht; l060 +The weapon from his gripe he wrung, +And laid him on the earth along. +WHACHUM his sea-coal prong threw by, +And basely turn'd his back to fly +But HUDIBRAS gave him a twitch 1065 +As quick as light'ning in the breech, +Just in the place where honour's lodg'd, +As wise philosophers have judg'd; +Because a kick in that place more +Hurts honour than deep wounds before. 1070 + +Quoth HUDIBRAS, The stars determine +You are my prisoners, base vermine! +Could they not tell you so as well +As what I came to know foretell? +By this what cheats you are we find, 1075 +That in your own concerns are blind. +Your lives are now at my dispose, +To be redeem'd by fine or blows: +But who his honour wou'd defile, +To take or sell two lives so vile? 1080 +I'll give you quarter; but your pillage, +The conq'ring warrior's crop and tillage, +Which with his sword he reaps and plows, +That's mine, the law of arms allows. + +This said, in haste, in haste he fell 1085 +To rummaging of SIDROPHEL. +First, he expounded both his pockets, +And found a watch, with rings and lockets, +Which had been left with him t' erect +A figure for, and so detect; 1090 +A copper-plate, with almanacks +Engrav'd upon't; with other knacks, +Of BOOKER's LILLY's, SARAH JIMMERS', +And blank-schemes to discover nimmers; +A moon-dial, with Napier's bones, 1095 +And sev'ral constellation stones, +Engrav'd in planetary hours, +That over mortals had strange powers +To make 'em thrive in law or trade, +And stab or poison to evade; 1100 +In wit or wisdom to improve, +And be victorious in love, +WHACHUM had neither cross nor pile; +His plunder was not worth the while; +All which the conq'rer did discompt, 1105 +To pay for curing of his rump. +But SIDROPHEL, as full of tricks +As Rota-men of politicks, +Straight cast about to over-reach +Th' unwary conqu'ror with a fetch, 1110 +And make him clad (at least) to quit +His victory, and fly the pit, +<a> Before the Secular Prince of Darkness +Arriv'd to seize upon his carcass? +And as a fox, with hot pursuit 1115 +Chac'd thro' a warren, casts about +To save his credit, and among +Dead vermin on a gallows hung, +And while the dogs run underneath, +Escap'd (by counterfeiting death) 1120 +Not out of cunning, but a train +Of atoms justling in his brain, +As learn'd philosophers give out, +So SIDROPHELLO cast about, +And fell to's wonted trade again, 1125 +To feign himself in earnest slain: +First stretch'd out one leg, than another, +And seeming in his breath to smother +A broken sigh; quoth he, Where am I, +Alive or dead? or which way came I, 1130 +Through so immense a space so soon +But now I thought myself in th' Moon +And that a monster with huge whiskers, +More formidable than a Switzer's, +My body through and through had drill'd, 1135 +And WHACHUM by my side had kill'd: +Had cross-examin'd both our hose, +And plunder'd all we had to lose. +Look, there he is; I see him now, +And feel the place I am run through: 1140 +And there lies WHACHUM by my side +Stone dead, and in his own blood dy'd. +Oh! Oh! with that he fetch'd a groan, +And fell again into a swoon; +Shut both his eyes, and stopp'd his breath, 1145 +And to the life out-acted death; +That HUDIBRAS, to all appearing, +Believ'd him to be dead as herring. +He held it now no longer safe +To tarry the return of RALPH, 1150 +But rather leave him in the lurch: +Thought he, he has abus'd our Church, +Refus'd to give himself one firk +To carry on the publick work; +Despis'd our Synod-men like dirt, 1155 +And made their discipline his sport; +Divulg'd the secrets of their classes, +And their conventions prov'd high places; +Disparag'd their tythe-pigs as Pagan, +And set at nought their cheese and bacon; 1160 +Rail'd at their Covenant, and jeer'd +Their rev'rend parsons to my beard: +For all which scandals, to be quit +At once, this juncture falls out fit, +I'll make him henceforth to beware, 1165 +And tempt my fury, if he dare. +He must at least hold up his hand, +By twelve freeholders to be scann'd; +Who, by their skill in palmistry, +Will quickly read his destiny; 1170 +And make him glad to read his lesson, +Or take a turn for it at the session; +Unless his Light and Gifts prove truer +Then ever yet they did, I'm sure; +For if he scape with whipping now, 1175 +'Tis more than he can hope to do; +And that will disengage my conscience +Of th' obligation in his own sense, +I'll make him now by force abide +What he by gentle means deny'd, 1180 +To give my honour satisfaction, +And right the Brethren in the action. +This being resolv'd, with equal speed +And conduct he approach'd his steed, +And with activity unwont, 1185 +Assay'd the lofty beast to mount; +Which once atchiev'd, he spurr'd his palfrey, +To get from th' enemy, and RALPH, free +Left dangers, fears, and foes behind, +And beat, at least three lengths, the wind. 1190 + + + +NOTES TO PART II. CANTO III. + + +140 A <w> Ledger, &c.] The Witch-finder in Suffolk, who, in +the Presbyterian times, had a commission to discover witches, +of whom (right or wrong) he caused 60 to be hanged within the +compass of year; and, among the rest, the old minister, who +been a painful preacher for many years. + +159 Did he not help the <x> Dutch, &c.] In the beginning of the +Civil Wars of Flanders, the common people of Antwerp in a +tumult broke open the cathedral church, to demolish images and +shrines, and did so much mischief in a small time, that Strada +writes, there were several Devils seen very busy among them, +otherwise it had been impossible. + +161 <y> Sing catches, &c.] This Devil at Mascon delivered all +his oracles, like his forefathers, in verse, which he sung to tunes. +He made several lampoons upon the Hugonots, and foretold +them many things which afterwards came to pass; as may be +seen his Memoirs, written in French. + +163 <z> Appear'd in divers, &c.] The History of Dee and the +Devil, published by Mer. Casaubon, Isaac Fil. Prebendary of +Canterbury, has a large account of all those passages, in which +the stile of the true and false angels appears to be penned by one +and the same person. The Nun of Loudon, in France, and all +her tricks, have been seen by many persons of quality of this +nation yet living, who have made very good observations upon +the French book written on that occasion. + +165 <a> Met with, &c] A Committee of the Long Parliament, +sitting in the King's-house in Woodstock Park, were terrified +with several apparitions, the particulars whereof were then the +news of the whole nation. + +157 <b> At Sarum, &c.] Withers has a long story, in doggerel, +of a soldier in the King's army, who being a prisoner at +Salisbury, and drinking a health to the Devil upon his knees, +was carried away by him through a single pane of glass. + +224 Since old <c> Hodge Bacon, &c.] Roger Bacon, commonly +called Friar Bacon, lived in the reign of Edward I. and, for some +little skill he had in the mathematicks, was by the rabble +accounted a conjurer, and had the sottish story of the Brazen +Head fathered upon him by the ignorant Monks of those days. +Robert Grosthead was Bishop of Lincoln in the of Henry III. He +was a learned man for those times, and for that reason suspected +by the Clergy to be a Conjurer; for which crime, being degraded +by Innocent IV. and summoned to appear at Rome, appealed to +the tribunal of Christ; which our lawyers say is illegal, if not a +Praemunire, for offering to sue in a Foreign Court. + +513 Which <d> Socrates, &c.] Aristophanes, in his comedy of +the Clouds, brings in Socrates and Chaerephon, measuring the +leap of a flea from the one's beard to the other's. + +404 <e> Was rais'd by him, &c.] This Fisk was a famous +astrologer, who flourished about the time of Subtile and Face, +and was equally celebrated by Ben Jonson. + +436 <e> Unless it be, &c.] This experiment was tried by some +foreign Virtuosos, who planted a piece of ordnance point-blank +against the Zenith, and having fired it, the bullet never +rebounded back again; which made them all conclude that it +sticks in the mark: but Des Cartes was of opinion, that it does +but hang in the air. + +477 <f> As lately 't was, &c.] This Sedgwick had many persons +(and some of quality) that believed in him, and prepared to keep +the day of judgment with him, but were disappointed; for which +the false prophet was afterwards called by the name of Dooms- +day Sedgwick. + +609 <g> Your modern Indian &c.] This compendious new way +of magick is affirmed by Monsieur Le Blanc (in his travels) to +be used in the East Indies. + +627 <h> Bumbastus kept, &c.] Paracelsus is said to have kept a +small devil prisoner in the pummel of his sword, which was the +reason, perhaps, why he was so valiant in his drink. Howsoever, +it was to better purpose than Hannibal carried poison in his, to +dispatch himself; for the sword alone would have done the feat +much better, and more soldier-like; and it was below the honour +of so great a commander, to go out of the world like a rat. + +635 <i> Agrippa kept &c.] Cornelius Agrippa had a dog which +was suspected to be a spirit, for some tricks he was wont to do +beyond the capacity of a dog, as it was thought; but the author +of Magia Adamica has taken a great deal of pains to vindicate +both the doctor and the dog from the aspersion, in which he has +shewn a very great respect and kindness for them both. + +679 As <k> Averrhois, &c.] Averrhois Astronomium propter +Excentricos contempsit. [Averroes despised the eccentriciticites +of astronomy]. Phil. Melanchthon in Elem. Phil. P 781. + +691 <l> The Median Emperor dreamt his daughter, &c.] +Astyages, King of Media, had this dream of his daughter +Madane, and the interpretation of the Magi, wherefore he +married her to a Persian of mean quality, by whom she had +Cyrus, who conquered all Asia, and translated the empire from +the Medes to the Persians. -- Herodot. L. i. + +697 <m> When Caesar, &c.] Fiunt aliquando prodigiosi, & +longiores Solus Defectus, quales occisa Caesare Dictatore, & +Antoniano Bello, totius Anni Pallore continuo. [Other miracles +occurred, and the sun was dimmed for a longer time, for +example, at the death of the Dictator Caesar, and the Antonine +war, its dimness continued for a whole year] -- Phil. + +701 <n> Augustus having &c.] Divus Augustus laevum sibi +prodidit calceum praepostere idutum, qua die seditione Militum +prope afflictus est. [The Divine Augustus put on his left boot +before the right one, that same day he was afflicted by a mutiny +of the soldiers] -- Idem L. 2. + +709 <o> The Roman Senate, &c.] Romani L. Crasso & Mario +Coss. Bubone viso orbem lustrabant. [The Romans L Crasso +and Mario Coss. ritually purified the country from (the evil +influence caused by) seeing the owl.] + +737 For <p> Anaxagoras, &c.] Anaxagoras affirmabat Solem +candens Ferrum esse, & Peloponneso majorem: Lunam +Habitacula in se habere, & Colles, & Valles. Fertur dixisse +Coelum omne ex Lapidibus esse compositum; Damnatus & in +exilium pulsus est, quod impie Solem candentem luminam esse +dixisset. [Anaxogaras stated that the sun was made of white-hot +iron, and bigger than the Peloponnese: the moon had buildings, +and hills, and valleys. He was so carried away that he said that +the whole sky was made of stone. He was condemned and +driven into exile, for speaking impiously about the pure white +light of the sun] -- Diog. Laert. in Anaxag. p. 11, 13. + +865 <q> Th' Egyptians say &c.] Egyptii decem millia Annorum +& amplius recensent; & observatum est in hoc tanto Spatio, bis +mutata esse Loca Ortuum & Occasuum Solis, ita ut Sol bis +ortus sit ubi nunc occidit, & bis descenderit ubi nunc oritur. +[The Egyptians have records for ten thousand years and more, +and it has been observed that during this space of time, the +rising and setting places of the sun have changed twice, so that +twice the sun has risen where it now sets, and twice set where it +now rises] -- Phil. Melanct. Lib. 1 Pag. 60. + +871 <r> Some hold the heavens, &c.] Causa quare Coelum non +cadit (secundem Empedoclem) est velocitas sui motus. [ The +reason the sky does not fall is (according to Empedocles) the +speed it is moving at] -- Comment. in L. 2. Aristot. de Coelo. + +877 <s> Plato believ'd, &c.] Plato Solem & Lunam caeteris +Planetis inferiores esse putavit. [Plato believed that the Sun and +Moon were lower than the other planets]-- G. Gunnin in +Cosmog. L. 1. p. 11. + +881 <t> The learned Scaliger, &c.] Copernicus in Libris +Revolutionem, deinde Reinholdus, post etiam Stadius +Mathematici nobiles perspicuis Demonstrationibus docuerunt, +solis Apsida Terris esse propiorem, quam Ptolemaei aetate +duodecem partibus, i. e. uno & triginta terrae semidiameteris. +[Copernicus in his Book of Revolutions, and afterwards +Reinholdus, very cleverly showed by mathematical means that +the perihelion of the earth was (become) nearer in the twelve +centuries since Ptolemy, that is, thirty-one times the radius of +the earth.] -- Jo. Bod. Met. Hist. p. 455. + +895 <u> Cardan believ'd, &c.] Putat Cardanus, ab extrema +Cauda Halices seu Majoris Ursae omne magnum Imperium +pendere.[Cardanus believed that the fate of every great empire +depended on the end of the tail of the Thumb or Great Bear] -- +Idem p. 325. + +913 <w> Than th' old Chaldean, &c.] Chaldaei jactant se +quadringinta septuaginta Annorum millia in periclitandis, +experiundisque Puerorum Animis possuisse.[The Chaldeans +alleged that they were forty or seventy thousand years in +experiments to possess the souls of boys] -- Cicero + +975 <x> Like Money, &c.] Druidae pecuniam mutuo +accipiebant in posteriore vita reddituri. [The Druids accepted +money from one another to be repaid in the next life] -- +Patricius. Tom.2 p.9. + +1001 <y> That paltry story, &c.] There was a notorious ideot +(that is here described by the name and character of Whachum) +who counterfeited a second part of Hudibras, as untowardly as +Captain Po, who could not write himself, and yet made a shift +to stand on the pillory for forging other men's hands, as his +fellow Whachum no doubt deserved; in whose abominable +doggerel this story of Hudibras and a French mountebank at +Brentford fair is as properly described. + +1024 That the <z> vibration &c.] The device of the vibration of +a Pendulum was intended to settle a certain measure of ells and +yards, &c. (that should have its foundation in nature) all the +world over: For by swinging a weight at the end of a string, and +calculating by the motion of the sun, or any star, how long the +vibration would last, in proportion to the length of the string, +and the weight of the pendulum, they thought to reduce it back +again, and from any part of time to compute the exact length of +any string that must necessarily vibrate into so much space of +time; so that if a man should ask in China for a quarter of an +hour of satin, or taffeta, they would know perfectly what it +meant; and all mankind learn a new way to measure things, no +more by the yard, foot or inch, but by the hour, quarter, and +minute. + +1113 <a> Before the Secular, &c.] As the Devil is the Spiritual +Prince of Darkness, so is the Constable the Secular, who +governs the night with as great authority as his colleague, but +far more imperiously. + + + +AN HEROICAL EPISTLE OF HUDIBRAS TO SIDROPHEL + + +------------------------- +Ecce Iterum Crispinus.--- +------------------------- + +WELL! SIDROPHEL, though 'tis in vain +To tamper with your crazy brain, +Without trepanning of your skull +As often as the moon's at full +'Tis not amiss, e're y' are giv'n o'er, 5 +To try one desp'rate med'cine more +For where your case can be no worse, +The desp'rat'st is the wisest course. +Is't possible that you, whose ears +Are of the tribe of Issachar's, 10 +And might (with equal reason) either, +For merit, or extent of leather, +With WILLIAM PRYN'S, before they were +Retrench'd and crucify'd, compare, +Shou'd yet be deaf against a noise 15 +So roaring as the publick voice +That speaks your virtues free, and loud, +And openly, in ev'ry crowd, +As, loud as one that sings his part +T' a wheel-barrow or turnip-cart, 20 +Or your new nick-nam'd old invention +To cry green-hastings with an engine; +(As if the vehemence had stunn'd, +And turn your drum-heads with the sound;) +And 'cause your folly's now no news, 25 +But overgrown, and out of use, +Persuade yourself there's no such matter, +But that 'tis vanish'd out of nature; +When folly, as it grows in years, +The more extravagant appears; 30 +For who but you could be possest +With so much ignorance, and beast, +That neither all mens' scorn and hate, +Nor being laugh'd and pointed at, +Nor bray'd so often in a mortar, 35 +Can teach you wholesome sense and nurture; +But (like a reprobate) what course +Soever's us'd, grow worse and worse +Can no transfusion of the blood, +That makes fools cattle, do you good? 40 +Nor putting pigs t' a bitch to nurse, +To turn 'em into mungrel-curs, +Put you into a way, at least, +To make yourself a better beast? +Can all your critical intrigues 45 +Of trying sound from rotten eggs; +Your several new-found remedies +Of curing wounds and scabs in trees; +Your arts of flexing them for claps, +And purging their infected saps; 50 +Recov'ring shankers, crystallines, +And nodes and botches in their rinds, +Have no effect to operate +Upon that duller block, your pate? +But still it must be lewdly bent 55 +To tempt your own due punishment; +And, like your whymsy'd chariots, draw, +The boys to course you without law; +As if the art you have so long +Profess'd, of making old dogs young, 60 +In you had virtue to renew +Not only youth, but childhood too. +Can you that understand all books, +By judging only with your looks, +Resolve all problems with your face, 65 +As others do with B's and A's; +Unriddle all that mankind knows +With solid bending of your brows; +All arts and sciences advance, +With screwing of your countenance, 70 +And, with a penetrating eye, +Into th' abstrusest learning pry? +Know more of any trade b' a hint; +Than those that have been bred up in't; +And yet have no art, true or false, 75 +To help your own bad naturals; +But still, the more you strive t' appear, +Are found to be the wretcheder +For fools are known by looking wise, +As men find woodcocks by their eyes. 80 +Hence 'tis that 'cause y' have gain'd o' th' college +A quarter share (at most) of knowledge, +And brought in none, but spent repute, +Y' assume a pow'r as absolute +To judge, and censure, and controll, 85 +As if you were the sole Sir Poll; +And saucily pretend to know +More than your dividend comes to. +You'll find the thing will not be done +With ignorance and face alone 90 +No, though y' have purchas'd to your name, +In history, so great a fame; +That now your talents, so well +For having all belief out-grown, +That ev'ry strange prodigious tale 95 +Is measur'd by your German scale; +By which the virtuosi try +The magnitude of ev'ry lye, +Cast up to what it does amount, +And place the bigg'st to your account? 100 +That all those stories that are laid +Too truly to you, and those made, +Are now still charg'd upon your score, +And lesser authors nam'd no more. +Alas! that faculty betrays 105 +Those soonest it designs to raise; +And all your vain renown will spoil, +As guns o'ercharg'd the more recoil. +Though he that has but impudence, +To all things has a fair pretence; 110 +And put among his wants but shame, +To all the world may lay his claim: +Though you have try'd that nothing's borne +With greater ease than public scorn, +That all affronts do still give place 115 +To your impenetrable face, +That makes your way through all affairs, +As pigs through hedges creep with theirs; +Yet as 'tis counterfeit, and brass, +You must not think 'twill always pass; 120 +For all impostors, when they're known, +Are past their labour, and undone. +And all the best that can befal +An artificial natural, +Is that which madmen find as soon 125 +As once they're broke loose from the moon, +And, proof against her influence, +Relapse to e'er so little sense, +To turn stark fools, and subjects fit +For sport of boys, and rabble-wit. 130 + + + +PART III. + + +CANTO I. + + +THE ARGUMENT. + +------------------------------------------------- +The Knight and Squire resolve, at once, +The one the other to renounce. +They both approach the Lady's Bower; +The Squire t'inform, the Knight to woo her. +She treats them with a Masquerade, +By Furies and Hobgoblins made; +From which the Squire conveys the Knight, +And steals him from himself, by Night. +------------------------------------------------- + + +'Tis true, no lover has that pow'r +T' enforce a desperate amour, +As he that has two strings t' his bow, +And burns for love and money too; +For then he's brave and resolute, 5 +Disdains to render in his suit, +Has all his flames and raptures double, +And hangs or drowns with half the trouble, +While those who sillily pursue, +The simple, downright way, and true, 10 +Make as unlucky applications, +And steer against the stream their passions. +Some forge their mistresses of stars, +And when the ladies prove averse, +And <a> more untoward to be won 15 +Than by CALIGULA the Moon, +Cry out upon the stars, for doing +Ill offices to cross their wooing; +When only by themselves they're hindred, +For trusting those they made her kindred; 20 +And still, the harsher and hide-bounder +The damsels prove, become the fonder. +For what mad lover ever dy'd +To gain a soft and gentle bride? +Or for a lady tender-hearted, 25 +In purling streams or hemp departed? +Leap'd headlong int' Elysium, +Through th' windows of a dazzling room? +But for some cross, ill-natur'd dame, +The am'rous fly burnt in his flame. 30 +This to the Knight could be no news, +With all mankind so much in use; +Who therefore took the wiser course, +To make the most of his amours, +Resolv'd to try all sorts of ways, 35 +As follows in due time and place + +No sooner was the bloody fight, +Between the Wizard, and the Knight, +With all th' appurtenances, over, +But he relaps'd again t' a lover; 40 +As he was always wont to do, +When h' had discomfited a foe +And us'd the only antique <b> philters, +Deriv'd from old heroic tilters. +But now triumphant, and victorious, 45 +He held th' atchievement was too glorious +For such a conqueror to meddle +With petty constable or beadle, +Or fly for refuge to the Hostess +Of th' Inns of Court and Chancery, Justice, +Who might, perhaps reduce his cause 50 +To th' <c>ordeal trial of the laws, +Where none escape, but such as branded +With red-hot irons have past bare-handed; +And, if they cannot read one verse +I' th' Psalms, must sing it, and that's worse. 55 +He therefore judging it below him, +To tempt a shame the Devil might owe him, +Resolv'd to leave the Squire for bail +And mainprize for him to the gaol, +To answer, with his vessel, all, 60 +That might disastrously befall; +And thought it now the fittest juncture +To give the Lady a rencounter, +T' acquaint her 'with his expedition, 65 +And conquest o'er the fierce Magician; +Describe the manner of the fray, +And show the spoils he brought away, +His bloody scourging aggravate, +The number of his blows, and weight, 70 +All which might probably succeed, +And gain belief h' had done the deed, +Which he resolv'd t' enforce, and spare +No pawning of his soul to swear, +But, rather than produce his back, 75 +To set his conscience on the rack, +And in pursuance of his urging +Of articles perform'd and scourging, +And all things else, his part, +Demand deliv'ry of her heart, 80 +Her goods, and chattels, and good graces, +And person up to his embraces. +Thought he, the ancient errant knights +Won all their ladies hearts in fights; +And cut whole giants into fritters, 85 +To put them into amorous twitters +Whose stubborn bowels scorn'd to yield +Until their gallants were half kill'd +But when their bones were drub'd so sore +They durst not woo one combat more, 90 +The ladies hearts began to melt, +Subdu'd by blows their lovers felt. +So <d> Spanish heroes, with their lances, +At once wound bulls and ladies' fancies; +And he acquires the noblest spouse 95 +That widows greatest herds of cows: +Then what may I expect to do, +Wh' have quell'd so vast a buffalo? + +Mean while, the Squire was on his way +The Knight's late orders to obey; 100 +Who sent him for a strong detachment +Of beadles, constables, and watchmen, +T' attack the cunning-man fur plunder, +Committed falsely on his lumber; +When he, who had so lately sack'd 105 +The enemy, had done the fact; +Had rifled all his pokes and fobs +Of gimcracks, whims, and jiggumbobs, +When he, by hook or crook, had gather'd, +And for his own inventions father'd 110 +And when they should, at gaol delivery, +Unriddle one another's thievery, +Both might have evidence enough, +To render neither halter proof. +He thought it desperate to tarry, 115 +And venture to be accessary +But rather wisely slip his fetters, +And leave them for the Knight, his betters. +He call'd to mind th' unjust, foul play +He wou'd have offer'd him that day, 120 +To make him curry his own hide, +Which no beast ever did beside, +Without all possible evasion, +But of the riding dispensation; +And therefore much about the hour 125 +The Knight (for reasons told before) +Resolv'd to leave them to the fury +Of Justice, and an unpack'd Jury, +The Squire concurr'd t' abandon him, +And serve him in the self-same trim; 130 +T' acquaint the Lady what h' had done, +And what he meant to carry on; +What project 'twas he went about, +When SIDROPHEL and he fell out; +His firm and stedfast Resolution, 135 +To swear her to an execution; +To pawn his <e> inward ears to marry her, +And bribe the Devil himself to carry her; +In which both dealt, as if they meant +Their Party-Saints to represent, 140 +Who never fail'd upon their sharing +In any prosperous arms-bearing +To lay themselves out to supplant +Each other Cousin-German Saint. +But, ere the Knight could do his part, 145 +The Squire had got so much the start, +H' had to the Lady done his errand, +And told her all his tricks afore-hand. +Just as he finish'd his report, +The Knight alighted in the court; 150 +And having ty'd his beast t' a pale, +And taking time for both to stale, +He put his band and beard in order, +The sprucer to accost and board her; +And now began t' approach the door, 155 +When she, wh' had spy'd him out before +Convey'd th' informer out of sight, +And went to entertain the Knight +With whom encount'ring, after longees +Of humble and submissive congees, 160 +And all due ceremonies paid, +He strok'd his beard, and thus he said: + +Madam, I do, as is my duty, +Honour the shadow of your shoe-tye; +And now am come to bring your ear 165 +A present you'll be glad to hear: +At least I hope so: the thing's done, +Or may I never see the sun; +For which I humbly now demand +Performance at your gentle hand 170 +And that you'd please to do your part, +As I have done mine, to my smart. + +With that he shrugg'd his sturdy back +As if he felt his shoulders ake. + +But she, who well enough knew what 175 +(Before he spoke) he would be at, +Pretended not to apprehend +The mystery of what he mean'd;. +And therefore wish'd him to expound +His dark expressions, less profound. 180 + +Madam, quoth he, I come to prove +How much I've suffer'd for your love, +Which (like your votary) to win, +I have not spar'd my tatter'd skin +And for those meritorious lashes, 185 +To claim your favour and good graces. + +Quoth she, I do remember once +I freed you from th' inchanted sconce; +And that you promis'd, for that favour, +To bind your back to good behaviour, 190 +And, for my sake and service, vow'd +To lay upon't a heavy load, +And what 'twould bear t' a scruple prove, +As other Knights do oft make love +Which, whether you have done or no, 195 +Concerns yourself, not me, to know. +But if you have, I shall confess, +Y' are honester than I could guess. + +Quoth he, if you suspect my troth, +I cannot prove it but by oath; 200 +And if you make a question on't, +I'll pawn my soul that I have done't; +And he that makes his soul his surety, +I think, does give the best security. + +Quoth she, Some say, the soul's secure 205 +Against distress and forfeiture +Is free from action, and exempt +From execution and contempt; +And to be summon'd to appear +In th' other world's illegal here; 210 +And therefore few make any account +Int' what incumbrances they run't +For most men carry things so even +Between this World, and Hell, and Heaven, +Without the least offence to either, 215 +They freely deal in all together; +And equally abhor to quit +This world for both or both for it; +And when they pawn and damn their souls, +They are but pris'ners on paroles. 220 + +For that (quoth he) 'tis rational, +Th' may be accountable in all: +For when there is that intercourse +Between divine and human pow'rs, +That all that we determine here 225 +Commands obedience every where, +When penalties may be commuted +For fines or ears, and executed +It follows, nothing binds so fast +As souls in pawn and mortgage past 230 +For oaths are th' only tests and seals +Of right and wrong, and true and false, +And there's no other way to try +The doubts of law and justice by. + +(Quoth she) What is it you would swear 235 +There's no believing till I hear +For, till they're understood all tales +(Like nonsense) are not true nor false. + +(Quoth he) When I resolv'd t' obey +What you commanded th' other day, 240 +And to perform my exercise, +(As schools are wont) for your fair eyes, +T' avoid all scruples in the case, +I went to do't upon the place. +But as the Castle is inchanted 245 +By SIDROPHEL the Witch and haunted +By evil spirits, as you know, +Who took my Squire and me for two, +Before I'd hardly time to lay +My weapons by, and disarray 250 +I heard a formidable noise, +Loud as the <f> Stentrophonick voice, +That roar'd far off, Dispatch and strip, +I'm ready with th' infernal whip, +That shall divest thy ribs from skin, 255 +To expiate thy ling'ring sin. +Th' hast broken perfidiously thy oath, +And not perform'd thy plighted troth; +But spar'd thy renegado back, +Where th' hadst so great a prize at stake; 260 +Which now the fates have order'd me +For penance and revenge to flea, +Unless thou presently make haste: +Time is, time was: And there it ceas'd. +With which, though startled, I confess, 265 +Yet th' horror of the thing was less +Than th' other dismal apprehension +Of interruption or prevention; +And therefore, snatching up the rod, +I laid upon my back a load; 270 +Resolv'd to spare no flesh and blood, +To make my word and honour good; +Till tir'd, and making truce at length, +For new recruits of breath and strength, +I felt the blows still ply'd as fast 275 +As th' had been by <g> lovers plac'd, +In raptures of platonick lashing, +And chaste contemplative bardashing; +When facing hastily about, +To stand upon my guard and scout, 280 +I found th' infernal Cunning-man, +And th' under-witch, his CALIBAN, +With scourges (like the Furies) arm'd, +That on my outward quarters storm'd. +In haste I snatch'd my weapon up, 285 +And gave their hellish rage a stop; +Call'd thrice upon your name, and fell +Courageously on SIDROPHEL; +Who, now transform'd himself a bear, +Began to roar aloud, and tear; 290 +When I as furiously press'd on, +My weapon down his throat to run; +Laid hold on him; but he broke loose, +And turn'd himself into a goose; +Div'd under water, in a pond, 295 +To hide himself from being found. +In vain I sought him; but, as soon +As I perceiv'd him fled and gone, +Prepar'd with equal haste and rage, +His Under-sorcerer t' engage. 300 +But bravely scorning to defile +My sword with feeble blood and vile, +I judg'd it better from a quick- +Set hedge to cut a knotted stick, +With which I furiously laid on 305 +Till, in a harsh and doleful tone, +It roar'd, O hold for pity, Sir +I am too great a sufferer, +Abus'd, as you have been, b' a witch, +But conjur'd into a worse caprich; 310 +Who sends me out on many a jaunt, +Old houses in the night to haunt, +For opportunities t' improve +Designs of thievery or love; +With drugs convey'd in drink or meat, 315 +All teats of witches counterfeit; +Kill pigs and geese with powder'd glass, +And make it for enchantment pass; +With cow-itch meazle like a leper, +And choak with fumes of guiney pepper; 320 +Make leachers and their punks with dewtry, +Commit fantastical advowtry; +Bewitch <h> Hermetick-men to run +Stark staring mad with manicon; +Believe mechanick Virtuosi 325 +Can raise 'em mountains in <i> POTOSI; +And, sillier than the antick fools, +Take treasure for a heap of coals: +Seek out for plants with signatures, +To quack of universal cures: 330 +With figures ground on panes of glass +Make people on their heads to pass; +And mighty heaps of coin increase, +Reflected from a single piece, +To draw in fools, whose nat'ral itches 335 +Incline perpetually to witches; +And keep me in continual fears, +And danger of my neck and ears; +When less delinquents have been scourg'd, +And hemp on wooden anvil forg'd, 340 +Which others for cravats have worn +About their necks, and took a turn. + +I pity'd the sad punishment +The wretched caitiff underwent, +And left my drubbing of his bones, 345 +Too great an honour for pultrones; +For Knights are bound to feel no blows +From paultry and unequal foes, +Who, when they slash, and cut to pieces, +Do all with civilest addresses: 350 +Their horses never give a blow, +But when they make a leg, and bow. +I therefore spar'd his flesh, and prest him +About the witch with many a. question. + +Quoth he, For many years he drove 355 +A kind of broking-trade in love; +Employ'd in all th' intrigues, and trust +Of feeble, speculative lust: +Procurer to th' extravagancy, +And crazy ribaldry of fancy, 360 +By those the Devil had forsook, +As things below him to provoke. +But b'ing a virtuoso, able +To smatter, quack, and cant, and dabble, +He held his talent most adroit 365 +For any mystical exploit; +As others of his tribe had done, +And rais'd their prices three to one: +For one predicting pimp has th' odds +Of chauldrons of plain downright bawds. 370 +But as an elf (the Devil's valet) +Is not so slight a thing to get; +For those that do his bus'ness best, +In hell are us'd the ruggedest; +Before so meriting a person 375 +Cou'd get a grant, but in reversion, +He serv'd two prenticeships, and longer, +I' th' myst'ry of a lady-monger. +For (as some write) a witch's ghost, +As soon as from the body loos'd, 380 +Becomes a puney-imp itself +And is another witch's elf. +He, after searching far and near, +At length found one in LANCASHIRE +With whom he bargain'd before-hand, 385 +And, after hanging, entertained; +Since which h' has play'd a thousand feats, +And practis'd all mechanick cheats, +Transform'd himself to th' ugly shapes +Of wolves and bears, baboons and apes, 390 +Which he has vary'd more than witches, +Or Pharaoh's wizards cou'd their switches; +And all with whom h' has had to do, +Turn'd to as monstrous figures too. +Witness myself, whom h' has abus'd, 395 +And to this beastly shape reduc'd, +By feeding me on beans and pease, +He crams in nasty crevices, +And turns to comfits by his arts, +To make me relish for disserts, 400 +And one by one, with shame and fear, +Lick up the candy'd provender. +Beside -- But as h' was running on, +To tell what other feats h' had done, +The Lady stopt his full career, 405 +And told him now 'twas time to hear +If half those things (said she) be true -- +They're all, (quoth he,) I swear by you. +Why then (said she,) That SIDROPHEL +Has damn'd himself to th' pit of Hell; 410 +Who, mounted on a broom, the nag +And hackney of a Lapland hag, +In quest of you came hither post, +Within an hour (I'm sure) at most; +Who told me all you swear and say, 415 +Quite contrary another way; +Vow'd that you came to him to know +If you should carry me or no; +And would have hir'd him, and his imps, +To be your match-makers and pimps, 420 +T' engage the Devil on. your side, +And steal (like PROSERPINE) your bride. +But he, disdaining to embrace. +So filthy a design and base, +You fell to vapouring and huffing 425 +And drew upon him like a ruffin; +Surpriz'd him meanly, unprepar'd, +Before h' had time to mount his guard; +And left him dead upon the ground, +With many a bruise and desperate wound: 430 +Swore you had broke and robb'd his house, +And stole his talismanique louse, +And all his new-found old inventions;. +With flat felonious intentions; +Which he could bring out where he had, 435 +And what he bought them for, and paid. +His flea, his morpion, and punese, +H' had gotten for his proper ease, +And all perfect minutes made, +By th' ablest artist of the trade; 440 +Which (he could prove it) since he lost, +He has been eaten up almost; +And all together might amount +To many hundreds on account; +For which h' had got sufficient warrant 445 +To seize the malefactors errant, +Without capacity of bail, +But of a cart's or horse's tail; +And did not doubt to bring the wretches +To serve for pendulums to watches; 450 +Which, modern virtuosos say, +Incline to hanging every way. +Beside, he swore, and swore 'twas true, +That, e're he went in quest of you, +He set a figure to discover 455 +If you were fled to RYE or DOVER; +And found it clear, that, to betray +Yourselves and me, you fled this way; +And that he was upon pursuit, +To take you somewhere hereabout. 460 +He vow' d he had intelligence +Of all that past before and since; +And found that, e'er you came to him,. +Y' had been engaging life and limb +About a case of tender conscience, 465 +Where both abounded in your own sense: +Till RALPHO, by his light and grace, +Had clear'd all scruples in the case; +And prov'd that you might swear and own +Whatever's by the wicked done, 470 +For which, most basely to requite +The service of his gifts and light, +You strove to oblige him, by main force, +To scourge his ribs instead of yours; +But that he stood upon his guard, 475 +And all your vapouring out-dar'd; +For which, between you both, the feat +Has never been perform'd as yet. + +While thus the Lady talk'd, the Knight +Turn'd th' outside of his eyes to white; 480 +(As men of inward light are wont +To turn their opticks in upon 't) +He wonder'd how she came to know +What he had done, and meant to do; +Held up his affidavit-hand, 485 +As if h' had been to be arraign'd; +Cast t'wards the door a look, +In dread of SIDROPHEL, and spoke: + +Madam, if but one word be true +Of all the Wizard has told you, 490 +Or but one single circumstance +In all th' apocryphal romance, +May dreadful earthquakes swallow down +This vessel, that is all your own; +Or may the heavens fall, and cover 495 +These reliques of your constant lover. + +You have provided well, quoth she, +(I thank you) for yourself and me, +And shown your presbyterian wits +Jump punctual with the Jesuits; 500 +A most compendious way, and civil, +At once to cheat the world, the Devil, +And Heaven and Hell, yourselves, and those +On whom you vainly think t' impose. +Why then (quoth he) may Hell surprize -- 505 +That trick (said she) will not pass twice: +I've learn'd how far I'm to believe +Your pinning oaths upon your sleeve. +But there's a better way of clearing +What you would prove than downright swearing: 510 +For if you have perform'd the feat, +The blows are visible as yet, +Enough to serve for satisfaction +Of nicest scruples in the action: +And if you can produce those knobs, 515 +Although they're but the witch's drubs, +I'll pass them all upon account, +As if your natural self had done't +Provided that they pass th' opinion +Of able juries of old women 520 +Who, us'd to judge all matter of facts +For bellies, may do so for backs, + +Madam, (quoth he,) your love's a million; +To do is less than to be willing, +As I am, were it in my power, 525 +T' obey, what you command, and more: +But for performing what you bid, +I thank you as much as if I did. +You know I ought to have a care +To keep my wounds from taking air: 530 +For wounds in those that are all heart, +Are dangerous in any part. + +I find (quoth she) my goods and chattels +Are like to prove but mere drawn battels; +For still the longer we contend, 535 +We are but farther off the end. +But granting now we should agree, +What is it you expect from me? +Your plighted faith (quoth he) and word +You past in heaven on record, 540 +Where all contracts, to have and t' hold, +Are everlastingly enroll'd: +And if 'tis counted treason here +To raze records, 'tis much more there. +Quoth she, There are no bargains driv'n, 545 +Or marriages clapp'd up, in Heav'n, +And that's the reason, as some guess, +There is no heav'n in marriages; +Two things that naturally press +Too narrowly to be at ease. 550 +Their bus'ness there is only love, +Which marriage is not like t' improve: +Love, that's too generous to abide +To be against its nature ty'd; +Or where 'tis of itself inclin'd, 555 +It breaks loose when it is confin'd; +And like the soul, it's harbourer. +Debarr'd the freedom of the air, +Disdains against its will to stay, +But struggles out, and flies away; 560 +And therefore never can comply +To endure the matrimonial tie, +That binds the female and the male, +Where th' one is but the other's bail; +Like Roman gaolers, when they slept, 565 +Chain'd to the prisoners they kept +Of which the true and faithfull'st lover +Gives best security to suffer. +Marriage is but a beast, some say, +That carries double in foul way; 570 +And therefore 'tis not to b' admir'd, +It should so suddenly be tir'd; +A bargain at a venture made, +Between two partners in a trade; +(For what's inferr'd by t' have and t' hold, 575 +But something past away, and sold?) +That as it makes but one of two, +Reduces all things else as low; +And, at the best, is but a mart +Between the one and th' other part, 580 +That on the marriage-day is paid, +Or hour of death, the bet is laid; +And all the rest of better or worse, +Both are but losers out of purse. +For when upon their ungot heirs 585 +Th' entail themselves, and all that's theirs, +What blinder bargain e'er was driv'n, +Or wager laid at six and seven? +To pass themselves away, and turn +Their childrens' tenants e're they're born? 590 +Beg one another idiot +To guardians, e'er they are begot; +Or ever shall, perhaps, by th' one, +Who's bound to vouch 'em for his own, +Though got b' implicit generation, 595 +And gen'ral club of all the nation; +For which she's fortify'd no less +Than all the island, with four seas; +Exacts the tribute of her dower, +in ready insolence and power; 600 +And makes him pass away to have +And hold, to her, himself, her slave, +<k> More wretched than an ancient villain, +Condemn'd to drudgery and tilling; +While all he does upon the by, 605 +She is not bound to justify, +Nor at her proper cost and charge +Maintain the feats he does at large. +Such hideous sots were those obedient +Old vassals to their ladies regent; 610 +To give the cheats the eldest hand +In foul play by the laws o' th' land; +For which so many a legal cuckold +Has been run down in courts and truckeld: +A law that most unjustly yokes 615 +All Johns of Stiles to Joans of Nokes, +Without distinction of degree, +Condition, age, or quality: +Admits no power of revocation, +Nor valuable consideration, 620 +Nor writ of error, nor reverse +Of Judgment past, for better or worse: +Will not allow the priviledges +That beggars challenge under hedges, +Who, when they're griev'd, can make dead horses 625 +Their spiritual judges of divorces; +While nothing else but Rem in Re +Can set the proudest wretches free; +A slavery beyond enduring, +But that 'tis of their own procuring. 630 +As spiders never seek the fly, +But leave him, of himself, t' apply +So men are by themselves employ'd, +To quit the freedom they enjoy'd, +And run their necks into a noose, 635 +They'd break 'em after, to break loose; +As some whom Death would not depart, +Have done the feat themselves by art; +Like <l> Indian widows, gone to bed +In flaming curtains to the dead; 640 +And men as often dangled for't, +And yet will never leave the sport. +Nor do the ladies want excuse +For all the stratagems they use +To gain the advantage of the set, 645 +And lurch the amorous rook and cheat +For as the <m> Pythagorean soul +Runs through all beasts, and fish and fowl, +And has a smack of ev'ry one, +So love does, and has ever done; 650 +And therefore, though 'tis ne'er so fond, +Takes strangely to the vagabond. +'Tis but an ague that's reverst, +Whose hot fit takes the patient first, +That after burns with cold as much 655 +As ir'n in GREENLAND does the touch; +Melts in the furnace of desire +Like glass, that's but the ice of fire; +And when his heat of fancy's over, +Becomes as hard and frail a lover. 660 +For when he's with love-powder laden, +And prim'd and cock'd by Miss or Madam, +The smallest sparkle of an eye +Gives fire to his artillery; +And off the loud oaths go; but while 665 +They're in the very act, recoil. +Hence 'tis so few dare take their chance +Without a sep'rate maintenance; +And widows, who have try'd one lover, +Trust none again, 'till th' have made over; 670 +Or if they do, before they marry, +The foxes weigh the geese they carry; +And e're they venture o'er a stream, +Know how to size themselves and them; +Whence wittiest ladies always choose 675 +To undertake the heaviest goose +For now the world is grown so wary, +That few of either sex dare marry, +But rather trust on tick t' amours, +The cross and pile for better or worse; 680 +A mode that is held honourable, +As well as French, and fashionable: +For when it falls out for the best, +Where both are incommoded least, +In soul and body two unite, 685 +To make up one hermaphrodite, +Still amorous, and fond, and billing, +Like PHILIP and MARY on a shilling, +Th' have more punctilios and capriches +Between the petticoat and breeches, 690 +More petulant extravagances, +Than poets make 'em in romances. +Though when their heroes 'spouse the dames, +We hear no more charms and flames: +For then their late attracts decline, 695 +And turn as eager as prick'd wine; +And all their catterwauling tricks, +In earnest to as jealous piques; +Which the ancients wisely signify'd, +By th' yellow mantos of the bride: 700 +For jealousy is but a kind +Of clap and grincam of the mind, +The natural effects of love, +As other flames and aches prove; +But all the mischief is, the doubt 705 +On whose account they first broke out. +For though <n> Chineses go to bed, +And lie in, in their ladies stead, +And for the pains they took before, +Are nurs'd and pamper'd to do more 710 +Our green men do it worse, when th' hap +To fail in labour of a clap +Both lay the child to one another: +But who's the father, who the mother, +'Tis hard to say in multitudes, 715 +Or who imported the French goods. +But health and sickness b'ing all one, +Which both engag'd before to own, +And are not with their bodies bound +To worship, only when they're sound, 720 +Both give and take their equal shares +Of all they suffer by false wares: +A fate no lover can divert +With all his caution, wit, and art. +For 'tis in vain to think to guess 725 +At women by appearances, +That paint and patch their imperfections +Of intellectual complexions, +And daub their tempers o'er with washes +As artificial as their faces; 730 +Wear under vizard-masks their talents +And mother-wits before their gallants, +Until they're hamper'd in the noose, +Too fast to dream of breaking loose; +When all the flaws they strove to hide 735 +Are made unready with the bride, +That with her wedding-clothes undresses +Her complaisance and gentilesses, +Tries all her arts to take upon her +The government from th' easy owner; 740 +Until the wretch is glad to wave +His lawful right, and turn her slave; +Find all his having, and his holding, +Reduc'd t' eternal noise and scolding; +The conjugal petard, that tears 745 +Down all portcullises of ears, +And make the volley of one tongue +For all their leathern shields too strong +When only arm'd with noise and nails, +The female silk-worms ride the males, 750 +<o> Transform 'em into rams and goats, +Like Sirens, with their charming notes; +Sweet as a screech-owl's serenade, +Or those enchanting murmurs made +By th' husband <p> mandrake and the wife, 755 +Both bury'd (like themselves) alive. + +Quoth he, These reasons are but strains +Of wanton, over-heated brains +Which ralliers, in their wit, or drink, +Do rather wheedle with than think 760 +Man was not man in paradise, +Until he was created twice, +And had his better half, his bride, +Carv'd from the original, his side, +T' amend his natural defects, 765 +And perfect his recruited sex; +Inlarge his breed at once, and lessen +The pains and labour of increasing, +By changing them for other cares, +As by his dry'd-up paps appears. 770 +His body, that stupendous frame, +Of all the world the anagram +Is of two equal parts compact, +In shape and symmetry exact, +Of which the left and female side 775 +Is to the manly right a bride; +Both join'd together with such art, +That nothing else but death can part. +Those heav'nly attracts of yours, your eyes, +And face, that all the world surprize, 780 +That dazzle all that look upon ye, +And scorch all other ladies tawny, +Those ravishing and charming graces +Are all made up of two half faces, +That in a mathematick line, 785 +Like those in other heavens, join, +Of which if either grew alone, +T' would fright as much to look upon: +And so would that sweet bud your lip, +Without the other's fellowship. 790 +Our noblest senses act by pairs; +Two eyes to see; to hear, two ears; +Th' intelligencers of the mind, +To wait upon the soul design'd, +But those that serve the body alone, 795 +Are single, and confin'd to one. +The <q> world is but two parts, that meet +And close at th' equinoctial fit; +And so are all the works of nature, +Stamp'd with her signature on matter, 800 +Which all her creatures, to a leaf, +Or smallest blade of grass receive; +All which sufficiently declare, +How entirely marriage is her care, +The only method that she uses 805 +In all the wonders she produces: +And those that take their rules from her, +Can never be deceiv'd, nor err. +For what secures the civil life, +But pawns of children, and a wife? 810 +That lie like hostages at stake, +To pay for all men undertake; +To whom it is as necessary +As to be born and breathe, to marry; +So universal all mankind, 815 +In nothing else, is of one mind. +For in what stupid age, or nation, +Was marriage ever out of fashion? +Unless among the <r> Amazons, +Or cloister'd friars, and vestal nuns; 820 +Or Stoicks, who to bar the freaks +And loose excesses of the sex, +Prepost'rously wou'd have all women +Turn'd up to all the world in common. +Though men would find such mortal feuds, 825 +In sharing of their publick goods, +'Twould put them to more charge of lives, +Than they're supply'd with now by wives; +Until they graze, and wear their clothes, +As beasts do, of their native growths: 830 +For simple wearing of their horns +Will not suffice to serve their turns. +For what can we pretend t' inherit, +Unless the marriage-deed will bear it? +Could claim no right, to lands or rents, 835 +But for our parents' settlements; +Had been but younger sons o' th' earth, +Debarr'd it all, but for our birth. +What honours or estates of peers, +Cou'd be preserv'd but by their heirs 840 +And what security maintains +Their right and title, but the banes? +What crowns could be hereditary, +If greatest monarchs did not marry. +And with their consorts consummate 845 +Their weightiest interests of state? +For all the amours of princes are +But guarantees of peace or war, +Or what but marriage has a charm +The rage of empires to disarm, 850 +Make blood and desolation cease, +And fire and sword unite in peace, +When all their fierce contest for forage +Conclude in articles of marriage? +Nor does the genial bed provide 855 +Less for the int'rests of the bride; +Who else had not the least pretence +T' as much as due benevolence; +Could no more title take upon her +To virtue, quality, and honour. 860 +Than ladies-errant, unconfin'd, +And feme-coverts t' all mankind +All women would be of one piece, +The virtuous matron and the miss; +The nymphs of chaste <s> Diana's train, 865 +The same with those in <t> LEWKNER's Lane; +But for the difference marriage makes +'Twixt wives and ladies of the lakes; +Besides the joys of place and birth, +The sex's paradise on earth; 870 +A privilege so sacred held, +That none will to their mothers yield; +But rather than not go before, +Abandon Heaven at the door. +And if th' indulgent law allows 875 +A greater freedom to the spouse, +The <u> reason is, because the wife +Runs greater hazards of her life; +Is trusted with the form and matter +Of all mankind by careful nature; 880 +Where man brings nothing but the stuff +She frames the wond'rous fabric of; +Who therefore, in a streight, may freely +Demand the clergy of her belly, +And make it save her the same way 885 +It seldom misses to betray; +Unless both parties wisely enter +Into the liturgy indenture, +And though some fits of small contest +Sometimes fall out among the best, 890 +That is no more than ev'ry lover +Does from his hackney-lady suffer; +That makes no breach of faith and love, +But rather (sometimes) serves t' improve. +For as in running, ev'ry pace 895 +Is but between two legs a race, +In which both do their uttermost +To get before, and win the post, +Yet when they're at their race's ends, +They're still as kind and constant friends, 900 +And, to relieve their weariness, +By turns give one another ease; +So all those false alarms of strife +Between the husband and the wife, +And little quarrels, often prove 905 +To be but new recruits of love; +When those wh' are always kind or coy, +In time must either tire or cloy. +Nor are their loudest clamours more, +Than as they're relish'd, sweet or sour; 910 +Like musick, that proves bad or good; +According as 'tis understood. +In all amours, a lover burns +With frowns as well as smiles by turns; +And hearts have been as aft with sullen 915 +As charming looks surpriz'd and stolen. +Then why should more bewitching clamour +Some lovers not as much enamour? +For discords make the sweetest airs +And curses are a kind of pray'rs; 920 +Too slight alloys for all those grand +Felicities by marriage gain'd. +For nothing else has pow'r to settle +Th' interests of love perpetual; +An act and deed, that that makes one heart 925 +Becomes another's counter-part, +And passes fines on faith and love, +Inroll'd and register'd above, +To seal the slippery knots of vows, +Which nothing else but death can loose. 930 +And what security's too strong, +To guard that gentle heart from wrong, +That to its friend is glad to pass +Itself away, and all it has; +And, like an anchorite, gives over 935 +This world for th' heaven of lover? +I grant (quoth she) there are some few +Who take that course, and find it true +But millions whom the same does sentence +To heav'n b' another way -- repentance. 940 +Love's arrows are but shot at rovers; +Though all they hit, they turn to lovers; +And all the weighty consequents +Depend upon more blind events, +Than gamesters, when they play a set 945 +With greatest cunning at piquet, +Put out with caution, but take in +They know not what, unsight, unseen, +For what do lovers, when they're fast +In one another's arms embrac't, 950 +But strive to plunder, and convey +Each other, like a prize, away? +To change the property of selves, +As sucking children are by elves? +And if they use their persons so, 955 +What will they to their fortunes do? +Their fortunes! the perpetual aims +Of all their extasies and flames. +For when the money's on the book, +And, All my worldly goods -- but spoke, 960 +(The formal livery and seisin +That puts a lover in possession,) +To that alone the bridegroom's wedded; +The bride a flam, that's superseded. +To that their faith is still made good, 965 +And all the oaths to us they vow'd: +For when we once resign our pow'rs, +W' have nothing left we can call ours: +Our money's now become the Miss +Of all your lives and services; 970 +And we forsaken, and postpon'd; +But bawds to what before we own'd; +Which, as it made y' at first gallant us, +So now hires others to supplant us, +Until 'tis all turn'd out of doors, 975 +(As we had been) for new amours; +For what did ever heiress yet +By being born to lordships get? +When the more lady sh' is of manours, +She's but expos'd to more trepanners, 980 +Pays for their projects and designs, +And for her own destruction fines; +And does but tempt them with her riches, +To use her as the Dev'l does witches; +Who takes it for a special grace 985 +To be their cully for a space, +That when the time's expir'd, the drazels +For ever may become his vassals: +So she, bewitch'd by rooks and spirits, +Betrays herself, and all sh' inherits; 990 +Is bought and sold, like stolen goods, +By pimps, and match-makers, and bawds, +Until they force her to convey, +And steal the thief himself away. +These are the everlasting fruits 995 +Of all your passionate love-suits, +Th' effects of all your amorous fancies +To portions and inheritances; +Your love-sick rapture for fruition +Of dowry, jointure, and tuition; 1000 +To which you make address and courtship; +Ad with your bodies strive to worship, +That th' infants' fortunes may partake +Of love too, for the mother's sake. +For these you play at purposes, 1005 +And love your love's with A's and B's: +For these at Beste and L'Ombre woo, +And play for love and money too; +Strive who shall be the ablest man +At right gallanting of a fan; 1010 +And who the most genteelly bred +At sucking of a vizard-head; +How best t' accost us in all quarters; +T' our question -- and -- command new Garters +And solidly discourse upon 1015 +All sorts of dresses, Pro and Con. +For there's no mystery nor trade, +But in the art of love is made: +And when you have more debts to pay +Than Michaelmas and Lady-Day, 1020 +And no way possible to do't, +But love and oaths, and restless suit, +To us y' apply to pay the scores +Of all your cully'd, past amours; +Act o'er your flames and darts again, 1025 +And charge us with your wounds and pain; +Which others influences long since +Have charm'd your noses with and shins; +For which the surgeon is unpaid, +And like to be, without our aid. 1030 +Lord! what an am'rous thing is want! +How debts and mortgages inchant! +What graces must that lady have +That can from executions save! +What charms that can reverse extent, 1035 +And null decree and exigent! +What magical attracts and graces, +That can redeem from Scire facias! +From bonds and statutes can discharge, +And from contempts of courts enlarge! 1040 +These are the highest excellencies +Of all your true or false pretences: +And you would damn yourselves, and swear +As much t' an hostess dowager, +Grown fat and pursy by retail 1045 +Of pots of beer and bottled ale; +And find her fitter for your turn; +For fat is wondrous apt to burn; +Who at your flames would soon take fire, +Relent, and melt to your desire, 1050 +And like a candle in the socket, +Dissolve her graces int' your pocket. + +By this time 'twas grown dark and late, +When they heard a knocking at the gate, +Laid on in haste with such a powder, 1055 +The blows grew louder still and louder; +Which HUDIBRAS, as if th' had been +Bestow'd as freely on his skin, +Expounding, by his inward light, +Or rather more prophetick fright, 1060 +To be the Wizard, come to search, +And take him napping in the lurch +Turn'd pale as ashes or a clout; +But why or wherefore is a doubt +For men will tremble, and turn paler, 1065 +With too much or too little valour. +His heart laid on, as if it try'd +To force a passage through his side, +Impatient (as he vow'd) to wait 'em, +But in a fury to fly at 'em; 1070 +And therefore beat, and laid about, +To find a cranny to creep out. +But she, who saw in what a taking +The Knight was by his furious quaking, +Undaunted cry'd, Courage, Sir Knight; 1075 +Know, I'm resolv'd to break no rite +Of hospitality t' a stranger; +But, to secure you out of danger, +Will here myself stand sentinel, +To guard this pass 'gainst SIDROPHEL. 1080 +Women, you know, do seldom fail +To make the stoutest men turn tail; +And bravely scorn to turn their backs +Upon the desp'ratest attacks. +At this the Knight grew resolute 1085 +As <w> IRONSIDE and HARDIKNUTE +His fortitude began to rally, +And out he cry'd aloud to sally. +But she besought him to convey +His courage rather out o' th' way, 1090 +And lodge in ambush on the floor, +Or fortify'd behind a door; +That if the enemy shou'd enter, +He might relieve her in th' adventure. + +Mean while they knock'd against the door 1095 +As fierce as at the gate before, +Which made the Renegado Knight +Relapse again t' his former fright. +He thought it desperate to stay +Till th' enemy had forc'd his way, 1100 +But rather post himself, to serve +The lady, for a fresh reserve +His duty was not to dispute, +But what sh' had order'd execute; +Which he resolv'd in haste t' obey, 1105 +And therefore stoutly march'd away; +And all h' encounter'd fell upon, +Though in the dark, and all alone; +Till fear, that braver feats performs +Than ever courage dar'd in arms, 1110 +Had drawn him up before a pass +To stand upon his guard, and face: +This he courageously invaded, +And having enter'd, barricado'd, +Insconc'd himself as formidable 1115 +As could be underneath a table, +Where he lay down in ambush close, +T' expect th' arrival of his foes. +Few minutes he had lain perdue, +To guard his desp'rate avenue, 1120 +Before he heard a dreadful shout, +As loud as putting to the rout, +With which impatiently alarm'd, +He fancy'd th' enemy had storm'd, +And, after ent'ring, SIDROPHEL 1125 +Was fall'n upon the guards pell-mell +He therefore sent out all his senses, +To bring him in intelligences, +Which vulgars, out of ignorance, +Mistake for falling in a trance; 1130 +But those that trade in geomancy, +Affirm to be the strength of fancy; +In which the <x> Lapland Magi deal, +And things incredible reveal. +Mean while the foe beat up his quarters, 1135 +And storm'd the out-works of his fortress: +And as another, of the same +Degree and party, in arms and fame, +That in the same cause had engag'd, +At war with equal conduct wag'd, 1140 +By vent'ring only but to thrust +His head a span beyond his post, +B' a gen'ral of the cavaliers +Was dragg'd thro' a window by th' ears; +So he was serv'd in his redoubt, 1145 +And by the other end pull'd out. + +Soon as they had him at their mercy, +They put him to the cudgel fiercely, +As if they'd scorn'd to trade or barter, +By giving or by taking quarter: 1150 +They stoutly on his quarters laid, +Until his scouts came in t' his aid. +For when a man is past his sense, +There's no way to reduce him thence, +But twinging him by th' ears or nose, 1155 +Or laying on of heavy blows; +And if that will not do the deed, +To <y> burning with hot irons proceed. +No sooner was he come t' himself, +But on his neck a sturdy elf 1160 +Clapp'd, in a trice, his cloven hoof, +And thus attack'd him with reproof; +Mortal, thou art betray'd to us +B' our friend, thy Evil Genius, +Who, for thy horrid perjuries, 1165 +Thy breach of faith, and turning lies, +The Brethren's privilege (against +The wicked) on themselves, the Saints, +Has here thy wretched carcase sent +For just revenge and punishment; 1170 +Which thou hast now no way to lessen, +But by an open, free confession; +For if we catch thee failing once, +'Twill fall the heavier on thy bones. + +What made thee venture to betray, 1175 +And filch the lady's heart away? +To Spirit her to matrimony? -- +That which contracts all matches -- money. +It was th' inchantment oft her riches +That made m' apply t' your croney witches, 1180 +That, in return, wou'd pay th' expence, +The wear and tear of conscience; +Which I cou'd have patch'd up, and turn'd, +For the hundredth part of what I earn'd. + +Didst thou not love her then? Speak true. 1185 +No more (quoth he) than I love you. -- +How would'st th' have us'd her, and her money? -- +First turn'd her up to alimony; +And laid her dowry out in law, +To null her jointure with a flaw, 1190 +Which I before-hand had agreed +T' have put, on purpose in the deed; +And bar her widow's making over +T' a friend in trust, or private lover. + +What made thee pick and chuse her out, 1195 +T' employ their sorceries about? -- +That which makes gamesters play with those +Who have least wit, and most to lose. + +But didst thou scourge thy vessel thus, +As thou hast damn'd thyself to us? 1200 + +I see you take me for an ass: +'Tis true, I thought the trick wou'd pass +Upon a woman well enough, +As 't has been often found by proof, +Whose humours are not to be won, 1205 +But when they are impos'd upon. +For love approves of all they do +That stand for candidates, and woo. + +Why didst thou forge those shameful lies +Of bears and witches in disguise? 1210 + +That is no more than authors give +The rabble credit to believe: +A trick of following their leaders, +To entertain their gentle readers; +And we have now no other way 1215 +Of passing all we do or say +Which, when 'tis natural and true, +Will be believ'd b' a very few, +Beside the danger of offence, +The fatal enemy of sense. 1220 + +Why did thou chuse that cursed sin, +Hypocrisy, to set up in? + +Because it is in the thriving'st calling, +The only Saints-bell that rings all in; +In which all churches are concern'd, 1225 +And is the easiest to be learn'd: +For no degrees, unless th' employ't, +Can ever gain much, or enjoy't: +A gift that is not only able +To domineer among the rabble, 1230 +But by the laws impower'd to rout, +And awe the greatest that stand out; +Which few hold forth against, for fear +Their hands should slip, and come too near; +For no sin else among the Saints 1235 +Is taught so tenderly against. + +What made thee break thy plighted vows? -- +That which makes others break a house, +And hang, and scorn ye all, before +Endure the plague of being poor. 1240 + +Quoth he, I see you have more tricks +Than all your doating politicks, +That are grown old, and out of fashion, +Compar'd with your New Reformation; +That we must come to school to you, 1245 +To learn your more refin'd, and new. + +Quoth he, If you will give me leave +To tell you what I now perceive, +You'll find yourself an arrant chouse, +If y' were but at a Meeting-House. -- 1250 +'Tis true, quoth he, we ne'er come there, +Because, w' have let 'em out by th' year. + +Truly, quoth he, you can't imagine +What wond'rous things they will engage in +That as your fellow-fiends in Hell 1255 +Were angels all before they fell, +So are you like to be agen, +Compar'd with th' angels of us men. + +Quoth he, I am resolv'd to be +Thy scholar in this mystery; 1260 +And therefore first desire to know +Some principles on which you go. + +What makes a knave a child of God, +And one of us? -- A livelihood. +What renders beating out of brains, 1265 +And murder, godliness? -- Great gains. + +What's tender conscience? -- 'Tis a botch, +That will not bear the gentlest touch; +But breaking out, dispatches more +Than th' epidemical'st plague-sore. 1270 + +What makes y' encroach upon our trade, +And damn all others? -- To be paid. + +What's orthodox, and true, believing +Against a conscience? -- A good living. + +What makes rebelling against Kings 1275 +A Good Old Cause? -- Administrings. + +What makes all doctrines plain and clear? -- +About two hundred pounds a year. + +And that which was prov'd true before, +Prove false again? -- Two hundred more. 1280 + +What makes the breaking of all oaths +A holy duty? -- Food and cloaths. + +What laws and freedom, persecution? -- +B'ing out of pow'r, and contribution. + +What makes a church a den of thieves? -- 1285 +A dean and chapter, and white sleeves. + +Ad what would serve, if those were gone, +To make it orthodox? -- Our own. + +What makes morality a crime, +The most notorious of the time; 1290 +Morality, which both the Saints, +And wicked too, cry out against? -- +Cause grace and virtue are within +Prohibited degrees of kin +And therefore no true Saint allows, 1295 +They shall be suffer'd to espouse; +For Saints can need no conscience, +That with morality dispense; +As virtue's impious, when 'tis rooted +In nature only, and not imputed 1300 +But why the wicked should do so, +We neither know, or care to do. + +What's liberty of conscience, +I' th' natural and genuine sense? +'Tis to restore, with more security, 1305 +Rebellion to its ancient purity; +And christian liberty reduce +To th' elder practice of the Jews. +For a large conscience is all one, +And signifies the same with none. 1310 + +It is enough (quoth he) for once, +And has repriev'd thy forfeit bones: +NICK MACHIAVEL had ne'er a trick, +(Though he gave his name to our Old Nick,) +But was below the least of these, 1315 +That pass i' th' world for holiness. + +This said, the furies and the light +In th' instant vanish'd out of sight, +And left him in the dark alone, +With stinks of brimstone and his own. 1320 + +The <z> Queen of Night, whose large command +Rules all the sea, and half the land, +And over moist and crazy brains, +In high spring-tides, at midnight reigns, +Was now declining to the west, 1325 +To go to bed, and take her rest; +When HUDIBRAS, whose stubborn blows +Deny'd his bones that soft repose, +Lay still expecting worse and more, +Stretch'd out at length upon the floor; 1330 +And though he shut his eyes as fast +As if h' had been to sleep his last, +Saw all the shapes that fear or wizards +Do make the Devil wear for vizards, +And pricking up his ears, to hark 1335 +If he cou'd hear too in the dark, +Was first invaded with a groan +And after in a feeble tone, +These trembling words: Unhappy wretch! +What hast thou gotten by this fetch; 1340 +For all thy tricks, in this new trade, +Thy holy brotherhood o' th' blade? +By sauntring still on some adventure, +And growing to thy horse a <a> Centaure? +To stuff thy skin with swelling knobs 1345 +Of cruel and hard-wooded drubs? +For still th' hast had the worst on't yet, +As well in conquest as defeat. +Night is the sabbath of mankind, +To rest the body and the mind, 1350 +Which now thou art deny'd to keep, +And cure thy labour'd corpse with sleep. +The Knight, who heard the words, explain'd, +As meant to him, this reprimand, +Because the character did hit 1355 +Point-blank upon his case so fit; +Believ'd it was some drolling spright, +That staid upon the guard that night, +And one of those h' had seen, and felt +The drubs he had so freely dealt; 1360 +When, after a short pause and groan, +The doleful Spirit thus went on: + +This 'tis t' engage with dogs and bears +Pell-mell together by the ears, +And, after painful bangs and knocks, 1365 +To lie in limbo in the stocks, +And from the pinnacle of glory +Fall headlong into purgatory. + +(Thought he, this devil's full of malice, +That in my late disasters rallies:) 1370 +Condemn'd to whipping, but declin'd it, +By being more heroic-minded: +And at a riding handled worse, +With treats more slovenly and coarse: +Engag'd with fiends in stubborn wars, 1375 +And hot disputes with conjurers; +And when th' hadst bravely won the day, +Wast fain to steal thyself away. + +(I see, thought he, this shameless elf +Wou'd fain steal me too from myself, 1380 +That impudently dares to own +What I have suffer'd for and done,) +And now but vent'ring to betray, +Hast met with vengeance the same way. + +Thought he, how does the Devil know 1385 +What 'twas that I design'd to do? +His office of intelligence, +His oracles, are ceas'd long since; +And he knows nothing of the Saints, +But what some treacherous spy acquaints. 1390 +This is some pettifogging fiend, +Some under door-keeper's friend's friend, +That undertakes to understand, +And juggles at the second-hand; +And now would pass for Spirit Po, 1395 +And all mens' dark concerns foreknow. +I think I need not fear him for't; +These rallying devils do no hurt. +With that he rouz'd his drooping heart, +And hastily cry'd out, What art? 1400 +A wretch (quoth he) whom want of grace +Has brought to this unhappy place. + +I do believe thee, quoth the Knight; +Thus far I'm sure th' art in the right; +And know what 'tis that troubles thee, 1405 +Better than thou hast guess'd of me. +Thou art some paultry, black-guard spright, +Condemn'd to drudg'ry in the night +Thou hast no work to do in th' house +Nor half-penny to drop in shoes; 1410 +Without the raising of which sum, +You dare not be so troublesome, +To pinch the slatterns black and blue, +For leaving you their work to do. +This is your bus'ness good Pug-Robin; 1415 +And your diversion dull dry-bobbing, +T' entice fanaticks in the dirt, +And wash them clean in ditches for't; +Of which conceit you are so proud, +At ev'ry jest you laugh aloud, 1420 +As now you wou'd have done by me, +But that I barr'd your raillery. + +Sir (quoth the voice) y'are no such <b> Sophi +As you would have the world judge of ye. +If you design to weigh our talents 1425 +I' the standard of your own false balance, +Or think it possible to know +Us ghosts as well as we do you; +We, who have been the everlasting +Companions of your drubs and basting, 1430 +And never left you in contest, +With male or female, man or beast, +But prov'd as true t' ye, and entire, +In all adventures, as your Squire. + +Quoth he, That may be said as true 1435 +By the idlest pug of all your crew: +For none cou'd have betray'd us worse +Than those allies of ours and yours. +But I have sent him for a token +To your Low-Country HOGEN-MOGEN, 1440 +To whose infernal shores I hope +He'll swing like skippers in a rope. +And, if y' have been more just to me +(As I am apt to think) than he, +I am afraid it is as true, 1445 +What th' ill-affected say of you: +Y' have spous'd the Covenant and Cause, +By holding up your cloven paws. + +Sir, quoth the voice, 'tis true, I grant, +We made and took the Covenant; 1450 +But that no more concerns the Cause +Than other perj'ries do the laws, +Which when they're prov'd in open court, +Wear wooden <c> peccadillo's for't: +And that's the reason Cov'nanters 1455 +Hold up their hands like rogues at bars. + +I see, quoth HUDIBRAS, from whence +These scandals of the Saints commence, +That are but natural effects +Of Satan's malice, and his sects, 1460 +Those Spider-Saints, that hang by threads, +Spun out o' th' intrails of their heads. + +Sir, quoth the voice, that may as true +And properly be said of you, +Whose talents may compare with either, 1465 +Or both the other put together. +For all the Independents do, +Is only what you forc'd 'em to; +You, who are not content alone +With tricks to put the Devil down, 1470 +But must have armies rais'd to back +The gospel-work you undertake; +As if artillery, and edge-tools, +Were the only engines to save souls; +While he, poor devil, has no pow'r 1475 +By force to run down and devour; +Has ne'er a Classis; cannot sentence +To stools or poundage of repentance; +Is ty'd up only to design, +T' entice, and tempt, and undermine, 1480 +In which you all his arts out-do, +And prove yourselves his betters too. +Hence 'tis <d> possessions do less evil +Than mere temptations of the Devil, +Which, all the horrid'st actions done, 1485 +Are charg'd in courts of law upon; +Because unless they help the elf, +He can do little of himself; +And therefore where he's best possess'd +Acts most against his interest; 1490 +Surprizes none, but those wh' have priests +To turn him out, and exorcists, +Supply'd with spiritual provision, +And magazines of ammunition +With crosses, relicks, crucifixes, 1495 +Beads, pictures, rosaries, and pixes; +The tools of working our salvation +By mere mechanick operation; +With holy water, like a sluice, +To overflow all avenues. 1500 +But those wh' are utterly unarm'd +T' oppose his entrance, if he storm'd, +He never offers to surprize, +Although his falsest enemies; +But is content to be their drudge, 1505 +And on their errands glad to trudge +For where are all your forfeitures +Entrusted in safe hands but ours? +Who are but jailors of the holes, 1510 +And dungeons where you clap up souls; +Like under-keepers, turn the keys, +T' your mittimus anathemas; +And never boggle to restore +The members you deliver o're +Upon demand, with fairer justice 1515 +Than all your covenanting Trustees; +Unless to punish them the worse, +You put them in the secular pow'rs, +And pass their souls, as some demise +The same estate in mortgage twice; 1520 +When to a legal <e> Utlegation +You turn your excommunication, +And for a groat unpaid, that's due, +<f> Distrain on soul and body too. + +Thought he, 'tis no mean part of civil 1525 +State prudence to cajole the Devil +And not to handle him too rough, +When h' has us in his cloven hoof. + +T' is true, quoth he, that intercourse +Has pass'd between your friends and ours; 1530 +That as you trust us, in our way, +To raise your members, and to lay, +We send you others of our own, +Denounc'd to hang themselves or drown; +Or, frighted with our oratory, 1435 +To leap down headlong many a story +Have us'd all means to propagate +Your mighty interests of state; +Laid out our spiritual gifts to further +Your great designs of rage and murther. 1540 +For if the Saints are nam'd from blood, +We only have made that title good; +And if it were but in our power, +We should not scruple to do more, +And not be half a soul behind 1545 +Of all dissenters of mankind. + +Right, quoth the voice, and as I scorn +To be ungrateful, in return +Of all those kind good offices, +I'll free you out of this distress, 1550 +And set you down in safety, where +It is no time to tell you here. +The cock crows, and the morn grows on, +When 'tis decreed I must be gone; +And if I leave you here till day, 1555 +You'll find it hard to get away. + +With that the Spirit grop'd about, +To find th' inchanted hero out, +And try'd with haste to lift him up; +But found his forlorn hope, his crup, 1560 +Unserviceable with kicks and blows, +Receiv'd from harden'd-hearted foes. +He thought to drag him by the heels, +Like Gresham carts, with legs for wheels; +But fear, that soonest cures those sores 1565 +In danger of relapse to worse, +Came in t' assist him with it's aid +And up his sinking vessel weigh'd. +No sooner was he fit to trudge, +But both made ready to dislodge. 1570 +The Spirit hors'd him like a sack +Upon the vehicle his back; +And bore him headlong into th' hall, +With some few rubs against the wall +Where finding out the postern lock'd, 1575 +And th' avenues as strongly block'd, +H' attack'd the window, storm'd the glass, +And in a moment gain'd the pass; +Thro' which he dragg'd the worsted souldier's +Fore-quarters out by the head and shoulders; 1580 +And cautiously began to scout, +To find their fellow-cattle out. +Nor was it half a minute's quest, +E're he retriev'd the champion's beast, +Ty'd to a pale, instead of rack; 1585 +But ne'er a saddle on his back, +Nor pistols at the saddle-bow, +Convey'd away the Lord knows how, +He thought it was no time to stay, +And let the night too steal away; 1590 +But in a trice advanc'd the Knight +Upon the bare ridge, bolt upright: +And groping out for RALPHO's jade, +He found the saddle too was stray'd, +And in the place a lump of soap, 1595 +On which he speedily leap'd up; +And turning to the gate the rein, +He kick'd and cudgell'd on amain. +While HUDIBRAS, with equal haste, +On both sides laid about as fast, 1600 +And spurr'd as jockies use to break, +Or padders to secure, a neck +Where let us leave 'em for a time, +And to their Churches turn our rhyme; +To hold forth their declining state, 1605 +Which now come near an even rate. + + + +NOTES TO PART III. CANTO 1. + + +15 a And more, &c.] Caligula was one of the Emperors of +Rome, son of Germanicus and Agrippina. He would needs pass +for a god, and had the heads of the ancient statues of the gods +taken off; and his own placed on in their stead; and used to +stand between the statues of Castor and Pollux to be +worshipped; and often bragged of lying with the Moon. + +43 b And us'd &c.] Philters were love potions, reported to be +much in request in former ages; but our true Knight-Errant Hero +made use of no other but what his noble atchievements by his +sword produced. + +52 c To th' Ordeal, &c.] Ordeal trials were, when supposed +criminals, to discover their innocence, went over several red-hot +coulter irons. These were generally such whose chastity was +suspected, as the vestal virgins, &c. + +93 d So Spanish Heroes, &c.] The young Spaniards signalize +their valour before the Spanish ladies at bull feasts, which often +prove very hazardous, and sometimes fatal to them. It is +performed by attacking of a wild bull, kept on purpose, and let +loose at the combatant; and he that kills most, carries the laurel, +and dwells highest in the ladies' favour. + +137 e To pawn, &c.] His exterior ears were gone before, and so +out of danger; but by inward ears is here meant his conscience. + +252 f Loud as, &c.] Stentrophon: A speaking trumpet, by which +the voice may be heard at a great distance, very useful at sea. + +276 g As if th' had, &c.] This alludes to some abject letchers, +who used to be disciplined with amorous lashes by their +mistresses. + +323 h Bewitch Hermetick Men, &c.] Hermes Trismegistus, an +Egyptian Philosopher, and said to have lived Anno Mundi 2076, +in the reign of Ninus, after Moses. He was a wonderful +philosopher and proved that there was but one God, the creator +of all things; and was the author of several most excellent and +useful inventions. But those Hermetick Men here mentioned, +though the pretended sectators of this great man, are nothing +else but a wild and extravagant sort of enthusiasts, who make a +hodge-podge of Religion and Philosophy, and produce nothing +but what is the object of every considering person's contempt. + +326 i Potosi.] Potosi is a city of Peru, the mountains whereof +afford great quantities of the finest silver in all the Indies. + +603 k More wretched, &c.] Villainage was an antient tenure, by +which the tenants were obliged to perform the most abject and +slavish services for their lords. + +639 l Like Indian Widows, &c.] The Indian women, richly +attired, are carried in a splendid and pompous machine to the +funeral pile where the bodies of their deceased husbands are to +be consumed, and there voluntarily throw themselves into it, +and expire; and such as refuse, their virtue is ever after +suspected, and they live in the utmost contempt. + +647 m For as the Pythagorean, &c.] It was the opinion of +Pythogoras and his followers, that, the soul transmigrated (as +they termed it) into all the diverse species of animals; and so +was differently disposed and affected, according to their +different natures and constitutions. + +707 n For tho' Chineses, &c.] The Chinese men of quality, when +their wives are brought to bed, are nursed and tended with as +much care as women here, and are supplied with the best +strengthening and nourishing diet, in order to qualify them for +future services. + +751 o Transform them into Rams, &c.] The Sirens according to +the poets, were three sea-monsters, half women and half fish: +their names were Parthenope, Lignea and Leucosia. Their usual +residence was about the island of Sicily, where, by the charming +melody of their voices, they used to detain those that heard +them, and then transform them into some sort of brute animals. + +755 p By the Husband Mandrake, &c.] Naturalists report, that +if a male and female Mandrake lie near each other, there will +often be heard a sort of murmuring noise. + +797 q The World is but two Parts, &c.] The equinoctial divides +the globe into North and South. + +819 r Unless among the Amazons, &c.] The Amazons were +women of Scythia, of heroick and great atchievements. They +suffered no men to live among them; but once every year used +to have conversation with men, of the neighbouring countries, +by which if they had a male child, they presently either killed or +crippled it; but if a female, they brought it up to the use of arms, +and burnt off one breast, leaving the other to suckle girls. + +865 s The Nymphs of chaste Diana's &c.] Diana's Nymphs, all +of whom vowed perpetual virginity, and were much celebrated +for the exact observation of their vow. + +866 t Lewkner's Lane.] Some years ago swarmed with +notoriously lascivious and profligate strumpets. + +877 u The Reason of it is &c.] Demanding the clergy of her +belly, which, for the reasons aforesaid, is pleaded in excuse by +those who take the liberty to oblige themselves and friends. + +1086 w As IRONSIDE or HARDIKNUTE, &c.] Two famous +and valiant princes of this country; the one a Saxon, the other a +Dane. + +1131 x But those that trade in Geomancy, &c.] The Lapland +Magi. The Laplanders are an idolatrous people, far North: and it +is very credibly reported, by authors and persons that have +travelled in their country, that they do perform things incredible +by what is vulgarly called Magick. + +1158 y To burning with, &c.] An allusion to cauterizing in +apoplexies, &c. + +1321 z The Queen of Night, &c.] The moon influences the +tides, and predominates over all humid bodies; and persons +distempered in mind are called Lunaticks. + +1344 a And growing to thy Horse, &c.] The Centaurs were a +people of Thessaly, and supposed to be the first managers of +horses; and the neighbouring inhabitants never having seen any +such thing before, fabulously reported them monsters, half men +and half horses. + +1423 b Sir (quoth the Voice) &c.] Sophi is at present the name +of the kings of Persia, not superadded, as Pharaoh was to the +kings of Egypt, but the name of the family itself, and religion of +Hali; whose descendants by Fatimas, Mahomet's daughter, took +the name of Sophi. + +1451 c Wear wooden Peccadillos &c.] Peccadillos were stiff +pieces that went about the neck; and round about the shoulders, +to pin the band, worn by persons nice in dressing; his wooden +one is a pillory. + +1483 d Hence 'tis Possessions, &c.] Criminals, in their +indictments, are charged with not having the fear of God before +their eyes, but being led by the instigation of the Devil. + +1521 e When to a legal Utlegation, &c.] When they return the +excommunication into the Chancery, there is issued out a writ +against the person. + +1524 f Distrain on Soul, &c.] Excommunication, which +deprives men from being Members of the visible church, and +formally delivers them up to the Devil. + + + +PART III + + +CANTO II. + + +THE ARGUMENT. + +------------------------------------------------- +The Saints engage in fierce Contests +About their Carnal interests; +To share their sacrilegious Preys, +According to their Rates of Grace; +Their various Frenzies to reform, +When Cromwel left them in a Storm +Till, in th' Effigy of Rumps, the Rabble +Burns all their Grandees of the Cabal. +------------------------------------------------- + + +THE learned write, an <g> insect breeze +Is but a mungrel prince of bees, +That falls before a storm on cows, +And stings the founders of his house; +From whose corrupted flesh that breed 5 +Of vermin did at first proceed. +So e're the storm of war broke out, +Religion spawn'd a various rout +Of petulant Capricious sects, +The maggots of corrupted texts, 10 +That first run all religion down, +And after ev'ry swarm its own. +For as the Persian <h> Magi once +Upon their mothers got their sons, +That were incapable t' enjoy 15 +That empire any other way; +So PRESBYTER begot the other +Upon the good old Cause, his mother, +Then bore then like the Devil's dam, +Whose son and husband are the same. 20 +And yet no nat'ral tie of blood +Nor int'rest for the common good +Cou'd, when their profits interfer'd, +Get quarter for each other's beard. +For when they thriv'd, they never fadg'd, 25 +But only by the ears engag'd: +Like dogs that snarl about a bone, +And play together when they've none, +As by their truest characters, +Their constant actions, plainly appears. 30 +Rebellion now began, for lack +Of zeal and plunders to grow slack; +The Cause and covenant to lessen, +And Providence to b' out of season: +For now there was no more to purchase 35 +O' th' King's Revenue, and the Churches, +But all divided, shar'd, and gone, +That us'd to urge the Brethren on; +Which forc'd the stubborn'st for the Cause, +To cross the cudgels to the laws, 40 +That what by breaking them th' had gain'd. +By their support might be maintain'd; +Like thieves, that in a hemp-plot lie +Secur'd against the hue-and-cry; +For PRESBYTER and INDEPENDANT 45 +Were now turn'd plaintiff and defendant; +Laid out their apostolic functions +On carnal orders and injunctions; +And all their precious Gifts and Graces +On outlawries and scire facias; 50 +At <i> Michael's term had many a trial, +Worse than the Dragon and St. Michael, +Where thousands fell, in shape of fees, +Into the bottomless abyss. +For when like brethren, and like friends, 55 +They came to share their dividends, +And ev'ry partner to possess +His Church and State Joint-Purchases, +In which the ablest Saint, and best, +Was nam'd in trust by all the rest, 60 +To pay their money; and, instead +Of ev'ry Brother, pass the deed; +He strait converted all his gifts +To pious frauds and holy shifts; +And settled all the other shares 65 +Upon his outward man and's heirs; +Held all they claim'd as forfeit lands, +Deliver'd up into his hands, +And pass'd upon his conscience, +By Pre-intail of Providence; 70 +Impeach'd the rest for reprobates, +That had no titles to estates, +But by their spiritual attaints +Degraded from the right of Saints. +This b'ing reveal'd, they now begun 75 +With law and conscience to fall on, +And laid about as hot and brain-sick +As th' Utter Barrister of <k> SWANSWICK; +Engag'd with moneybags as bold +As men with sand bags did of old; 80 +That brought the lawyers in more fees +Than all unsanctify'd Trustees; +Till he who had no more to show +I' th' case receiv'd the overthrow; +Or both sides having had the worst, 85 +They parted as they met at first. + +Poor PRESBYTER was now reduc'd, +Secluded, and cashier'd, and chous'd +Turn'd out, and excommunicate +From all affairs of Church and State; 90 +Reform'd t' a reformado Saint, +And glad to turn itinerant, +To stroll and teach from town to town, +And those he had taught up, teach down. +And make those uses serve agen 95 +Against the new-enlighten'd men, +As fit as when at first they were +Reveal'd against the CAVALIER; +Damn ANABAPTIST and FANATIC, +As pat as Popish and Prelatic; 100 +And with as little variation, +To serve for any Sect i' th' nation. +The Good Old Cause, which some believe +To be the Dev'l that tempted EVE +With Knowledge, and does still invite 105 +The world to mischief with new Light, +Had store of money in her purse +When he took her for bett'r or worse; +But now was grown deform'd and poor, +And fit to be turn'd out of door. 110 + +The INDEPENDENTS (whose first station +Was in the rear of reformation, +A mungrel kind of church-dragoons, +That serv'd for horse and foot at once; +And in the saddle of one steed 115 +The Saracen and Christian rid; +Were free of ev'ry spiritual order, +To preach, and fight, and pray, and murder) +No sooner got the start to lurch +Both disciplines, of War and Church 120 +And Providence enough to run +The chief commanders of 'em down, +But carry'd on the war against +The common enemy o' th' Saints, +And in a while prevail'd so far, 125 +To win of them the game of war, +And be at liberty once more +T' attack themselves, as th' had before. + +For now there was no foe in arms, +T' unite their factions with alarms, 130 +But all reduc'd and overcome, +Except their worst, themselves at home, +Wh' had compass'd all they pray'd, and swore, +And fought, and preach'd, and plunder'd for; +Subdu'd the Nation, Church, and State, 135 +And all things, but their laws and hate: +But when they came to treat and transact, +And share the spoil of all th' had ransackt, +To botch up what th' had torn and rent, +Religion and the Government, 140 +They met no sooner, but prepar'd +To pull down all the war had spar'd +Agreed in nothing, but t' abolish, +Subvert, extirpate, and demolish. +For knaves and fools b'ing near of kin 145 +As <l> Dutch Boors are t' a Sooterkin, +Both parties join'd to do their best +To damn the publick interest, +And herded only in consults, +To put by one another's bolts; 150 +T' out-cant the <m> Babylonian labourers, +At all their dialects of jabberers, +And tug at both ends of the saw, +To tear down Government and Law. +For as two cheats, that play one game, 155 +Are both defeated of their aim; +So those who play a game of state, +And only cavil in debate, +Although there's nothing lost or won, +The publick bus'ness is undone; 160 +Which still the longer 'tis in doing, +Becomes the surer way to ruin. + +This, when the ROYALISTS perceiv'd, +(Who to their faith as firmly cleav'd, +And own'd the right they had paid down 165 +So dearly for, the Church and Crown,) +Th' united constanter, and sided +The more, the more their foes divided. +For though out-number'd, overthrown +And by the fate of war run down) 170 +Their duty never was defeated, +Nor from their oaths and faith retreated; +For loyalty is still the same, +Whether it win or lose the game; +True as the dial to the sun, 175 +Although it be not shin'd upon. +But when these brethren in evil, +Their adversaries, and the Devil, +Began once more to shew them play, +And hopes, at least, to have a day, 180 +They rally'd in parades of woods, +And unfrequented solitudes; +Conven'd at midnight in out-houses, +T' appoint new-rising rendezvouzes, +And with a pertinacy unmatch'd, 185 +For new recruits of danger watch'd. +No sooner was one blow diverted, +But up another party started; +And, as if nature too, in haste +To furnish out supplies as fast, 190 +Before her time, had turn'd destruction +T' a new and numerous production, +No sooner those were overcome, +But up rose others in their room, +That, like the Christian faith, increast 195 +The more, the more they were supprest +Whom neither chains, nor transportation, +Proscription, sale, or confiscation, +Nor all the desperate events +Of former try'd experiments 200 +Nor wounds cou'd terrify, nor mangling, +To leave off loyalty and dangling; +Nor death (with all his bones) affright +From vent'ring to maintain the right, +From staking life and fortune down 205 +'Gainst all together, for the Crown; +But kept the title of their cause +From forfeiture, like claims in laws +And prov'd no prosp'rous usurpation +Can ever settle in the nation; 210 +Until, in spight of force and treason, +They put their loyalty in possession; +And by their constancy and faith, +Destroy 'd the mighty men of Gath. + +Toss'd in a furious hurricane, 215 +Did OLIVER give up his reign; +And was believ'd, as well by Saints, +As mortal men and miscreants, +To founder in the Stygian Ferry; +Until he was retriev'd by STERRY, 220 +Who, in a faise erroneous dream, +Mistook the New Jerusalem +Prophanely for the apocryphal +<o> False Heaven at the end o' th' Hall; +Whither it was decreed by Fate 225 +His precious reliques to translate. +So ROMULUS <p> was seen before +B' as orthodox a Senator; +From whose divine illumination +He stole the Pagan revelation. 230 + +Next him his <q> Son and Heir Apparent +Succeeded, though a lame vicegerent; +Who first laid by the Parliament, +The only crutch on which he leant; +And then sunk underneath the State, 235 +That rode him above horseman's weight. + +And now the Saints began their reign, +For which th' had yearn'd so long in vain, +And felt such bowel-hankerings, +To see an empire all of Kings. 240 +Deliver'd from the Egyptian awe +Of Justice, Government, and Law, +And free t' erect what spiritual Cantons +Should be reveal'd, or Gospel Hans-Towns, +To edify upon the ruins 245 +Of <r> JOHN of LEYDEN'S old Out-goings; +Who for a weather-cock hung up, +Upon the Mother Church's top; +Was made a type, by Providence, +Of all their revelations since; 250 +And now fulfill'd by his successors, +Who equally mistook their measures +For when they came to shape the model, +Not one could fit another's noddle; +But found their Light and Gifts more wide 255 +From fadging than th' unsanctify'd; +While ev'ry individual brother +Strove hand to fist against another; +And still the maddest, and most crackt, +Were found the busiest to transact 260 +For though most hands dispatch apace, +And make light work, (the proverb says,) +Yet many diff'rent intellects +Are found t' have contrary effects; +And many heads t' obstruct intrigues, 265 +As slowest insects have most legs. + +Some were for setting up a King; +But all the rest for no such thing, +Unless KING JESUS. Others tamper'd +For FLEETWOOD, DESBOROUGH, and LAMBERT; 270 +Some for the Rump; and some, more crafty, +For Agitators, and the safety; +Some for the Gospel, and massacres +Of Spiritual Affidavit-makers, +That swore to any human regence, 275 +Oaths of supremacy and allegiance; +Yea, though the ablest swearing Saint +That vouch'd the Bulls o' th' Covenant: +Others for pulling down th' high-places +Of Synods and Provincial Classes, 280 +That us'd to make such hostile inroads +Upon the Saints, like bloody NIMRODS +Some for fulfilling prophecies, +And th' expiration of th' excise +And some against th' Egyptian bondage 285 +Of holy-days, and paying poundage: +Some for the cutting down of groves, +And rectifying bakers' loaves: +And some for finding out expedients +Against the slav'ry of obedience. 290 +Some were for Gospel Ministers, +And some for Red-coat Seculars, +As men most fit t' hold forth the word, +And wield the one and th' other sword. +Some were for carrying on the work 295 +Against the Pope, and some the Turk; +Some for engaging to suppress, +The Camisado of surplices, +That gifts and dispensations hinder'd, +And turn'd to th' Outward Man the Inward; 300 +More proper for the cloudy night +Of Popery than Gospel Light. +Others were for abolishing +That tool of matrimony, a ring, +With which th' unsanctify'd bridegroom 305 +Is marry'd only to a thumb; +(As wise as ringing of a pig, +That us'd to break up ground, and dig;) +The bride to nothing but her will, +That nulls the after-marriage still 310 +Some were for th' utter extirpation +Of linsey-woolsey in the nation; +And some against all idolizing +The Cross in shops-books, or Baptizing +Others to make all things recant 315 +The Christian or Surname of Saint; +And force all churches, streets, and towns, +The holy title to renounce. +Some 'gainst a Third Estate of Souls, +And bringing down the price of coals: 320 +Some for abolishing black-pudding, +And eating nothing with the blood in; +To abrogate them roots and branches; +While others were for eating haunches +Of warriors, and now and then, 325 +The flesh of Kings and mighty men +And some for breaking of their bones +With rods of ir'n, by secret ones: +For thrashing mountains, and with spells +For hallowing carriers' packs and bells: 330 +Things that the legend never heard of, +But made the wicked sore afear'd of. + +The quacks of Government (who sate +At th' unregarded helm of State, +And understood this wild confusion 335 +Of fatal madness and delusion, +Must, sooner than a prodigy, +Portend destruction to be nigh) +Consider'd timely how t' withdraw, +And save their wind-pipes from the law; 340 +For one rencounter at the bar +Was worse than all th' had 'scap'd in war; +And therefore met in consultation +To cant and quack upon the nation; +Not for the sickly patient's sake, 345 +For what to give, but what to take; +To feel the pulses of their fees, +More wise than fumbling arteries: +Prolong the snuff of life in pain, +And from the grave recover -- Gain. 350 + +'Mong these there was a <s> politician +With more heads than a beast in vision, +And more intrigues in ev'ry one +Than all the whores of Babylon: +So politic, as if one eye 355 +Upon the other were a spy, +That, to trepan the one to think +The other blind, both strove to blink; +And in his dark pragmatick way, +As busy as a child at play. 360 +H' had seen three Governments run down, +And had a hand in ev'ry one; +Was for 'em and against 'em all, +But barb'rous when they came to fall +For, by trepanning th' old to ruin, 365 +He made his int'rest with the new one +Play'd true and faithful, though against +His conscience, and was still advanc'd. +For by the witchcraft of rebellion +Transform'd t' a feeble state-camelion, 370 +By giving aim from side to side, +He never fail'd to save his tide, +But got the start of ev'ry state, +And at a change ne'er came too late; +Cou'd turn his word, and oath, and faith, 375 +As many ways as in a lath; +By turning, wriggle, like a screw, +Int' highest trust, and out, for new. +For when h' had happily incurr'd, +Instead of hemp, to be preferr'd, 380 +And pass'd upon a government, +He pay'd his trick, and out he went +But, being out, and out of hopes +To mount his ladder (more) of ropes, +Wou'd strive to raise himself upon 385 +The publick ruin, and his own; +So little did he understand +The desp'rate feats he took in hand. +For when h' had got himself a name +For fraud and tricks, he spoil'd his game; 390 +Had forc'd his neck into a noose, +To shew his play at fast and loose; +And when he chanc'd t' escape, mistook +For art and subtlety, his luck. +So right his judgment was cut fit, 395 +And made a tally to his wit, +And both together most profound +At deeds of darkness under-ground; +As th' earth is easiest undermin'd +By vermin impotent and blind. 400 + +By all these arts, and many more, +H' had practis'd long and much before, +Our state artificer foresaw +Which way the world began to draw. +For as old sinners have all points 405 +O' th' compass in their bones and joints, +Can by their pangs and aches find +All turns and changes of the wind, +And better than by <t> NAPIER's bones +Feel in their own the age of moons; 410 +So guilty sinners in a state +Can by their crimes prognosticate, +And in their consciences feel pain +Some days before a show'r of rain. +He therefore wisely cast about, 415 +All ways he cou'd, t' ensure his throat; +And hither came, t' observe and smoke +What courses other riskers took +And to the utmost do his best +To save himself, and hang the rest. 420 +To match this Saint, there was <u> another +As busy and perverse a Brother, +An haberdasher of small wares +In politicks and state affairs; +More Jew than Rabbi ACHITOPHEL, 425 +And better gifted to rebel: +For when h' had taught his tribe to 'spouse +The Cause, aloft, upon one house, +He scorn'd to set his own in order, +But try'd another, and went further; 430 +So suddenly addicted still +To's only principle, his will, +That whatsoe'er it chanc'd to prove, +Nor force of argument cou'd move; +Nor law, nor cavalcade of Holborn, 435 +Could render half a grain less stubborn. +For he at any time would hang +For th' opportunity t' harangue; +And rather on a gibbet dangle, +Than miss his dear delight, to wrangle; 440 +In which his parts were so accomplisht, +That, right or wrong, he ne'er was non-plusht; +But still his tongue ran on, the less +Of weight it bore, with greater ease; +And with its everlasting clack 445 +Set all men's ears upon the rack. +No sooner cou'd a hint appear, +But up he started to picqueer, +And made the stoutest yield to mercy, +When he engag'd in controversy. 450 +Not by the force of carnal reason, +But indefatigable teazing; +With vollies of eternal babble, +And clamour, more unanswerable. +For though his topics, frail and weak, 455 +Cou'd ne'er amount above a freak, +He still maintain'd 'em, like his faults, +Against the desp'ratest assaults; +And back'd their feeble lack of sense, +With greater heat and confidence? 460 +As bones of Hectors, when they differ, +The more they're cudgel'd grow the stiffer. +Yet when his profit moderated, +The fury of his heat abated. +For nothing but his interest 465 +Cou'd lay his Devil of Contest. +It was his choice, or chance; or curse, +T' espouse the Cause for bett'r or worse, +And with his worldly goods and wit, +And soul and body, worship'd it: 470 +But when he found the sullen trapes +Possess'd with th' Devil, worms, and claps; +The <w> Trojan mare, in foal with Greeks, +Not half so full of jadish tricks; +Though squeamish in her outward woman, 475 +As loose and rampant as Dol Common; +He still resolv'd to mend the matter, +T' adhere and cleave the obstinater; +And still the skittisher and looser +Her freaks appear'd, to sit the closer. 480 +For fools are stubborn in their way, +As coins are harden'd by th' allay: +And obstinacy's ne'er so stiff +As when 'tis in a wrong belief. +These two, with others, being met, 485 +And close in consultation set, +After a discontented pause, +And not without sufficient cause, +The orator we nam'd of late, +Less troubled with the pangs of State 490 +Than with his own impatience, +To give himself first audience, +After he had a while look'd wise, +At last broke silence, and the ice. + +Quoth he, There's nothing makes me doubt 495 +Our last out-goings brought about, +More than to see the characters +Of real jealousies and fears +Not feign'd, as once, but, sadly horrid, +Scor'd upon ev'ry Member's forehead; 500 +Who, 'cause the clouds are drawn together, +And threaten sudden change of weather, +Feel pangs and aches of state-turns, +And revolutions in their corns; +And, since our workings-out are cross'd, 505 +Throw up the Cause before 'tis lost. +Was it to run away we meant, +When, taking of the Covenant, +The lamest cripples of the brothers +Took oaths to run before all others; 510 +But in their own sense only swore +To strive to run away before; +And now would prove, that words and oath +Engage us to renounce them both? +'Tis true, the Cause is in the lurch, 515 +Between a Right and Mungrel-Church; +The Presbyter and Independent, +That stickle which shall make an end on't; +As 'twas made out to us the last +Expedient -- ( I mean <x> Marg'ret's Fast,) 520 +When Providence had been suborn'd, +What answer was to be return'd. +Else why should tumults fright us now, +We have so many times come through? +And understand as well to tame, 525 +As when they serve our turns t'inflame: +Have prov'd how inconsiderable +Are all engagements of the rabble, +Whose frenzies must be reconcil'd +With drums and rattles, like a child; 530 +But never prov'd so prosperous +As when they were led on by us +For all our scourging of religion +Began with tumult and sedition; +When hurricanes of fierce commotion 535 +Became strong motives to devotion; +(As carnal seamen, in a storm, +Turn pious converts, and reform;) +When rusty weapons, with chalk'd edges, +Maintain'd our feeble privileges; 540 +And brown-bills levy'd in the City, +Made bills to pass the Grand Committee; +When zeal, with aged clubs and gleaves, +Gave chace to rochets and white sleeves, +And made the Church, and State, and Laws, 545 +Submit t' old iron and the Cause. +And as we thriv'd by tumults then, +So might we better now agen, +If we knew how, as then we did, +To use them rightly in our need: 550 +Tumults, by which the mutinous +Betray themselves instead of us. +The hollow-hearted, disaffected, +And close malignant are detected, +Who lay their lives and fortunes down 555 +For pledges to secure our own; +And freely sacrifice their ears +T' appease our jealousies and fears; +And yet, for all these providences +W' are offer'd, if we had our senses; 560 +We idly sit like stupid blockheads, +Our hands committed to our pockets; +And nothing but our tongues at large, +To get the wretches a discharge: +Like men condemn'd to thunder-bolts, 565 +Who, ere the blow, become mere dolts; +Or fools besotted with their crimes, +That know not how to shift betimes, +And neither have the hearts to stay, +Nor wit enough to run away; 570 +Who, if we cou'd resolve on either, +Might stand or fall at least together; +No mean or trivial solace +To partners in extreme distress; +Who us'd to lessen their despairs, 575 +By parting them int' equal shares; +As if the more they were to bear, +They felt the weight the easier; +And ev'ry one the gentler hung, +The more he took his turn among. 580 +But 'tis not come to that, as yet, +If we had courage left, or wit; +Who, when our fate can be no worse, +Are fitted for the bravest course; +Have time to rally, and prepare 585 +Our last and best defence, despair; +Despair, by which the gallant'st feats +Have been atchiev'd in greatest straits, +And horrid'st danger safely wav'd, +By being courageously out-brav'd; 590 +As wounds by wider wounds are heal'd, +And poisons by themselves expell'd: +And so they might be now agen, +If we were, what we shou'd be, men; +And not so dully desperate, 595 +To side against ourselves with Fate; +As criminals, condemn'd to suffer, +Are blinded first, and then turn'd over. +This comes of breaking Covenants, +And setting up Exauns of Saints, 600 +That fine, like aldermen, for grace, +To be excus'd the efficace. +For Spiritual men are too transcendent, +That mount their banks for Independent, +To hang like <y> MAHOMET in th' air, 605 +Or St. IGNATIUS at his prayer, +By pure geometry, and hate +Dependence upon Church or State; +Disdain the pedantry o' th' letter; +And since obedience is better 610 +(The Scripture says) than sacrifice, +Presume the less on't will suffice; +And scorn to have the moderat'st stints +Prescrib'd their peremptory hints, +Or any opinion, true or false, 615 +Declar'd as such, in doctrinals +But left at large to make their best on, +Without b'ing call'd t' account or question, +Interpret all the spleen reveals; +As WHITTINGTON explain'd the bells; 620 +And bid themselves turn back agen +Lord May'rs of New Jerusalem; +But look so big and over-grown, +They scorn their edifiers t' own, +Who taught them all their sprinkling lessons, 625 +Their tones, and sanctified expressions +Bestow'd their Gifts upon a Saint, +Like Charity on those that want; +And learn'd th' apocryphal bigots +T' inspire themselves with short-hand notes; 630 +For which they scorn and hate them worse +Than dogs and cats do sow-gelders. +For who first bred them up to pray, +And teach, the House of Commons Way? +Where had they all their gifted phrases, 635 +But from our CALAMYS and CASES? +Without whose sprinkling and sowing, +Who e'er had heard of NYE or OWEN? +Their dispensations had been stifled, +But for our ADONIRAM BYFIELD; 640 +And had they not begun the war, +Th' had ne'er been sainted, as they are: +For Saints in peace degenerate, +And dwindle down to reprobate; +Their zeal corrupts, like standing water, 645 +In th' intervals of war and slaughter; +Abates the sharpness of its edge, +Without the power of sacrilege. +And though they've tricks to cast their sins +As easy as <z> serpents do their skins, 650 +That in a while grow out agen, +In peace they turn mere carnal men, +And from the most refin'd of saints, +As naturally grow miscreants, +As <a> barnacles turn SOLAND geese 655 +In th' Islands of the ORCADES. +Their dispensation's but a ticket, +For their conforming to the wicked; +With whom the greatest difference +Lies more in words, and shew, than sense. 660 +For as the Pope, that keeps the gate +Of Heaven, wears three crowns of state; +So he that keeps the gate of Hell, +Proud <b> CERBERUS, wears three heads as well; +And if the world has any troth 665 +Some have been canoniz'd in both. +But that which does them greatest harm, +Their spiritual gizzards are too warm, +Which puts the over-heated sots +In fevers still, like other goats. 670 +For though the Whore bends Hereticks +With flames of fire, like crooked sticks, +Our Schismaticks so vastly differ, +Th' hotter th' are, they grow the stiffer; +Still setting off their spiritual goods 675 +With fierce and pertinacious feuds. +For zeal's a dreadful termagant, +That teaches Saints to tear and rant, +And Independents to profess +The doctrine of dependences: 680 +Turns meek, and secret, sneaking ones, +To raw-heads fierce and bloody-bones: +And, not content with endless quarrels +Against the wicked, and their morals, +The <c> GIBELLINES, for want of GUELPHS, 685 +Divert their rage upon themselves. +For now the war is not between +The Brethren and the Men of Sin, +But Saint and Saint, to spill the blood +Of one another's brotherhood; 690 +Where neither side can lay pretence +To liberty of conscience, +Or zealous suff'ring for the cause, +To gain one groat's-worth of applause; +For though endur'd with resolution, 695 +'Twill ne'er amount to persecution. +Shall precious Saints, and secret ones, +Break one another's outward bones, +And eat the flesh of Brethren, +Instead of Kings and mighty men? 700 +When fiends agree among themselves, +Shall they be found the greatest elves? +When BELL's at union with the DRAGON, +And BAAL-PEOR friends with DAGON, +When savage bears agree with bears, 705 +Shall secret ones lug Saints by th' ears, +And not atone their fatal wrath, +When common danger threatens both? +Shall mastiffs, by the coller pull'd, +Engag'd with bulls, let go their hold, 710 +And Saints, whose necks are pawn'd at stake, +No notice of the danger take? +But though no pow'r of Heav'n or Hell +Can pacify phanatick zeal, +Who wou'd not guess there might be hopes, 715 +The fear of gallowses and ropes, +Before their eyes, might reconcile +Their animosities a while; +At least until th' had a clear stage, +And equal freedom to engage, 720 +Without the danger of surprize +By both our common enemies? + +This none but we alone cou'd doubt, +Who understand their workings out; +And know them, both in soul and conscience, 725 +Giv'n up t' as reprobate a nonsense +As spiritual out-laws, whom the pow'r +Of miracle can ne'er restore +We, whom at first they set up under, +In revelation only of plunder, 730 +Who since have had so many trials +Of their encroaching self-denials, +That rook'd upon us with design +To out-reform, and undermine; +Took all our interest and commands 735 +Perfidiously out of our hands; +Involv'd us in the guilt of blood +Without the motive gains allow'd, +And made us serve as ministerial, +Like younger Sons of Father BELIAL; 740 +And yet, for all th' inhuman wrong +Th' had done us and the Cause so long, +We never fail to carry on +The work still as we had begun; +But true and faithfully obey'd 745 +And neither preach'd them hurt, nor pray'd; +Nor troubled them to crop our ears, +Nor hang us like the cavaliers; +Nor put them to the charge of gaols, +To find us pill'ries and cart's-tails, 750 +Or hangman's wages, which the State +Was forc'd (before them) to be at, +That cut, like tallies, to the stumps, +Our ears for keeping true accompts, +And burnt our vessels, like a new 755 +Seal'd peck, or bushel, for b'ing true; +But hand in hand, like faithful brothers, +Held for the Cause against all others, +Disdaining equally to yield +One syllable of what we held, 760 +And though we differ'd now and then +'Bout outward things, and outward men, +Our inward men, and constant frame +Of spirit, still were near the same; +And till they first began to cant 765 +And sprinkle down the Covenant, +We ne'er had call in any place, +Nor dream'd of teaching down free grace, +But join'd our gifts perpetually +Against the common enemy. 770 +Although 'twas ours and their opinion, +Each other's Church was but a RIMMON; +And yet, for all this gospel-union, +And outward shew of Church-communion, +They'll ne'er admit us to our shares 775 +Of ruling Church or State affairs; +Nor give us leave t' absolve, or sentence +T' our own conditions of repentance; +But shar'd our dividend o' th' Crown, +We had so painfully preach'd down; 780 +And forc'd us, though against the grain, +T' have calls to teach it up again: +For 'twas but justice to restore +The wrongs we had receiv'd before; +And when 'twas held forth in our way, 785 +W' had been ungrateful not to pay; +Who, for the right w' have done the nation, +Have earn'd our temporal salvation; +And put our vessels in a way +Once more to come again in play. 790 +For if the turning of us out +Has brought this Providence about, +And that our only suffering +Is able to bring in the King, +What would our actions not have done, 795 +Had we been suffer'd to go on? +And therefore may pretend t' a share, +At least; in carrying on th' affair. +But whether that be so, or not, +W' have done enough to have it thought; 800 +And that's as good as if w' had done't, +And easier pass't upon account: +For if it be but half deny'd, +'Tis half as good as justifi'd. +The world is nat'rally averse 805 +To all the truth it sees or hears +But swallows nonsense, and a lie, +With greediness and gluttony +And though it have the pique, and long, +'Tis still for something in the wrong; 810 +As women long, when they're with child, +For things extravagant and wild; +For meats ridiculous and fulsome, +But seldom any thing that's wholesome; +And, like the world, men's jobbernoles 815 +Turn round upon their ears, the poles; +And what they're confidently told, +By no sense else can be control'd. +And this, perhaps, may prove time means +Once more to hedge-in Providence, 820 +For as relapses make diseases +More desp'rate than their first accesses, +If we but get again in pow'r, +Our work is easier than before +And we more ready and expert 825 +I' th' mystery to do our part. +We, who did rather undertake +The first war to create than make, +And when of nothing 'twas begun, +Rais'd funds as strange to carry 't on; 830 +Trepann'd the State, and fac'd it down +With plots and projects of our own; +And if we did such feats at first, +What can we now we're better vers'd? +Who have a freer latitude, 835 +Than sinners give themselves, allow'd, +And therefore likeliest to bring in, +On fairest terms, our discipline; +To which it was reveal'd long since, +We were ordain'd by Providence; 840 +When <d> three Saints Ears, our predecessors, +The Cause's primitive Confessors, +B'ing crucify'd, the nation stood +In just so many years of blood; +That, multiply'd by six, exprest 845 +The perfect number of the beast, +And prov'd that we must be the men +To bring this work about agen; +And those who laid the first foundation, +Compleat the thorough Reformation: 850 +For who have gifts to carry on +So great a work, but we alone? +What churches have such able pastors, +And precious, powerful, preaching masters? +Possess'd with absolute dominions 855 +O'er brethren's purses and opinions? +And trusted with the double keys +Of Heaven and their warehouses; +Who, when the Cause is in distress, +Can furnish out what sums they please, 860 +That brooding lie in bankers' hands, +To be dispos'd at their commands; +And daily increase and multiply, +With doctrine, use, and usury: +Can fetch in parties (as in war 865 +All other heads of cattle are) +From th' enemy of all religions, +As well as high and low conditions, +And share them, from blue ribbands, down +To all blue aprons in the town; 870 +From ladies hurried in calleches, +With cor'nets at their footmens' breeches, +To bawds as fat as Mother Nab; +All guts and belly, like a crab. +Our party's great, and better ty'd 875 +With oaths and trade than any side, +Has one considerable improvement, +To double fortify the Cov'nant: +I mean our Covenant to purchase +Delinquents titles, and the Churches; 880 +That pass in sale, from hand to hand, +Among ourselves, for current land; +And rise or fall, like Indian actions, +According to the rate of factions +Our best reserve for Reformation, 885 +When new out-goings give occasion; +That keeps the loins of Brethren girt +The Covenant (their creed) t' assert; +And when th' have pack'd a Parliament, +Will once more try th' expedient: 890 +Who can already muster friends, +To serve for members, to our ends, +That represent no part o' th' nation, +But <e> Fisher's-Folly Congregation; +Are only tools to our intrigues, 895 +And sit like geese to hatch our eggs; +Who, by their precedents of wit, +T' out-fast, out-loiter, and out-sit, +Can order matters underhand, +To put all bus'ness to a stand; 900 +Lay publick bills aside for private, +And make 'em one another drive out; +Divert the great and necessary, +With trifles to contest and vary; +And make the Ration represent, 905 +And serve for us, in Parliament +Cut out more work than can be done. +In <f> PLATO'S year, but finish none; +Unless it be the Bulls of LENTHAL, +That always pass'd for fundamental; 910 +Can set up grandee against grandee, +To squander time away, and bandy; +Make Lords and Commoners lay sieges +To one another's privileges, +And, rather than compound the quarrel, 915 +Engage to th' inevitable peril +Of both their ruins; th' only scope +And consolation of our hope; +Who though we do not play the game, +Assist as much by giving aim: 920 +Can introduce our ancient arts, +For heads of factions t' act their parts; +Know what a leading voice is worth, +A seconding, a third, or fourth +How much a casting voice comes to, 925 +That turns up trump, of ay, or no; +And, by adjusting all at th' end, +Share ev'ry one his dividend +An art that so much study cost, +And now's in danger to be lost, 930 +Unless our ancient virtuosos, +That found it out, get into th' Houses. +These are the courses that we took +To carry things by hook or crook; +And practis'd down from forty-four, 935 +Until they turn'd us out of door +Besides the herds of Boutefeus +We set on work without the House; +When ev'ry knight and citizen +Kept legislative journeymen, 940 +To bring them in intelligence +From all points of the rabble's sense, +And fill the lobbies of both Houses +With politick important buzzes: +Set committees of cabals, 945 +To pack designs without the walls; +Examine, and draw up all news, +And fit it to our present use. +Agree upon the plot o' th' farce, +And ev'ry one his part rehearse, 950 +Make Q's of answers, to way-lay +What th' other pasties like to say +What repartees, and smart reflections, +Shall be return'd to all objections; +And who shall break the master-jest, 955 +And what, and how, upon the rest +Held pamphlets out, with safe editions, +Of proper slanders and seditions; +And treason for a token send, +By Letter to a Country Friend; 960 +Disperse lampoons, the only wit +That men, like burglary, commit; +Wit falser than a padder's face, +That all its owner does betrays; +Who therefore dares not trust it when 965 +He's in his calling to be seen; +Disperse the dung on barren earth, +To bring new weeds of discord forth; +Be sure to keep up congregations, +In spight of laws and proclamations: 970 +For Charlatans can do no good +Until they're mounted in a crowd; +And when they're punish'd, all the hurt +Is but to fare the better for't; +As long as confessors are sure 975 +Of double pay for all th' endure; +And what they earn in persecution, +Are paid t' a groat in contribution. +Whence some Tub-Holders-forth have made +In powd'ring-tubs their richest trade; 980 +And while they kept their shops in prison, +Have found their prices strangely risen. +Disdain to own the least regret +For all the Christian blood w' have let; +'Twill save our credit, and maintain 985 +Our title to do so again; +That needs not cost one dram of sense, +But pertinacious impudence. +Our constancy t' our principles, +In time will wear out all things else; 990 +Like marble statues rubb'd in pieces +With gallantry of pilgrims' kisses; +While those who turn and wind their oaths, +Have swell'd and sunk, like other froths; +Prevail'd a while, but 'twas not long 995 +Before from world to world they swung: +As they had turn'd from side to side, +And as the changelings liv'd, they dy'd. + +This said, th' impatient States-monger +Could now contain himself no longer; 1000 +Who had not spar'd to shew his piques +Against th' haranguer's politicks, +With smart remarks of leering faces, +And annotations of grimaces. +After h' had administer'd a dose 1005 +Of snuff-mundungus to his nose, +And powder'd th' inside of his skull, +Instead of th' outward jobbernol, +He shook it with a scornful look +On th' adversary, and thus he spoke: 1010 + +In dressing a calves head, although +The tongue and brains together go, +Both keep so great a distance here, +'Tis strange if ever they come near; +For who did ever play his gambols 1015 +With such insufferable rambles +To make the bringing in the KING, +And keeping of him out, one thing? +Which none could do, but those that swore +T' as point-plank nonsense heretofore: 1020 +That to defend, was to invade; +And to assassinate, to aid +Unless, because you drove him out, +(And that was never made a doubt,) +No pow'r is able to restore, 1025 +And bring him in, but on your score +A spiritual doctrine, that conduces +Most properly to all your uses. +'Tis true, a scorpions oil is said +To cure the wounds the vermine made; 1030 +And weapons, drest with salves, restore +And heal the hurts they gave before; +But whether Presbyterians have +So much good nature as the salve, +Or virtue in them as the vermine, 1035 +Those who have try'd them can determine. +Indeed, 'th pity you should miss +Th' arrears of all your services, +And for th' eternal obligation +Y' have laid upon th' ungrateful nation, 1040 +Be us'd so unconscionably hard, +As not to find a just reward, +For letting rapine loose, and murther, +To rage just so far, but no further; +And setting all the land on fire, 1045 +To burn't to a scantling, but no higher; +For vent'ring to assassinate, +And cut the throats, of Church and State, +And not be allow'd the fittest men +To take the charge of both agen: 1050 +Especially, that have the grace +Of self-denying, gifted face; +Who when your projects have miscarry'd, +Can lay them, with undaunted forehead, +On those you painfully trepann'd, 1055 +And sprinkled in at second hand; +As we have been, to share the guilt +Of Christian Blood, devoutly spilt; +For so our ignorance was flamm'd +To damn ourselves, t' avoid being damn'd; 1060 +Till finding your old foe, the hangman, +Was like to lurch you at back-gammon +And win your necks upon the set, +As well as ours, who did but bet, +(For he had drawn your ears before, 1065 +And nick'd them on the self-same score,) +We threw the box and dice away, +Before y' had lost us, at foul play; +And brought you down to rook, and lie, +And fancy only, on the by; 1070 +Redeem'd your forfeit jobbernoles +From perching upon lofty poles; +And rescu'd all your outward traitors +From hanging up like aligators; +For which ingeniously y' have shew'd 1075 +Your Presbyterian gratitude: +Would freely have paid us home in kind, +And not have been one rope behind. +Those were your motives to divide, +And scruple, on the other side. 1080 +To turn your zealous frauds, and force, +To fits of conscience and remorse; +To be convinc'd they were in vain, +And face about for new again; +For truth no more unveil'd your eyes, 1085 +Than maggots are convinc'd to flies +And therefore all your lights and calls +Are but apocryphal and false, +To charge us with the consequences +Of all your native insolences, 1090 +That to your own imperious wills +Laid Law and Gospel neck and heels; +Corrupted the Old Testament, +To serve the New for precedent +T' amend its errors, and defects, 1095 +With murther, and rebellion texts; +Of which there is not any one +In all the Book to sow upon +And therefore (from your tribe) the Jews +Held Christian doctrine forth, and use; 1100 +As Mahomet (your chief) began +To mix them in the Alchoran: +Denounc'd and pray'd, with fierce devotion, +And bended elbows on the cushion; +Stole from the beggars all your tones, 1105 +And gifted mortifying groans; +Had Lights where better eyes were blind, +As pigs are said to see the wind +Fill'd Bedlam with predestination, +And Knights-bridge with illumination: 1110 +Made children, with your tones, to run for't, +As bad as bloody-bones, or LUNSFORD: +While women, great with child, miscarry'd, +For being to malignants marry'd +Transform'd all wives to DALILAHS 1115 +Whose husbands were not for the Cause; +And turn'd the men to ten horn'd cattle, +Because they came not out to battle +Made taylors' prentices turn heroes, +For fear of being transform'd to MEROZ: 1120 +And rather forfeit their indentures, +Than not espouse the Saints' adventures. +Could transubstantiate, metamorphose, +And charm whole herds of beasts, like Orpheus; +Inchant the King's and Churches lands 1125 +T' obey and follow your commands; +And settle on a new freehold, +As MARCLY-HILL had done of old: +Could turn the Covenant, and translate +The gospel into spoons and plate: 1130 +Expound upon all merchants' cashes, +And open th' intricatest places +Could catechize a money-box, +And prove all powches orthodox; +Until the Cause became a DAMON, 1135 +And PYTHIAS the wicked Mammon. + +And yet, in spight of all your charms +To conjure legion up in arms, +And raise more devils in the rout +Than e'er y' were able to cast out, 1140 +Y' have been reduc'd, and by those fools +Bred up (you say) in your own schools; +Who, though but gifted at your feet, +Have made it plain, they have more wit; +By whom y' have been so oft trepann'd, 1145 +And held forth out of all command, +Out-gifted, out-impuls'd, out-done, +And out-reveal'd at carryings-on; +Of all your dispensations worm'd, +Out-Providenc'd, and out-reform'd; 1150 +Ejected out of Church and State, +And all things, but the peoples' hate; +And spirited out of th' enjoyments +Of precious, edifying employments, +By those who lodg'd their Gifts and Graces, 1155 +Like better bowlers, in your places; +All which you bore with resolution, +Charg'd on th' accompt of persecution; +And though most righteously opprest, +Against your wills, still acquiesc'd; 1160 +And never hum'd and hah'd sedition, +Nor snuffled treason, nor misprision. +That is, because you never durst; +For had you preach'd and pray'd your worst, +Alas! you were no longer able 1165 +To raise your posse of the rabble: +One single red-coat centinel +Out-charm'd the magick of the spell; +And, with his squirt-fire, could disperse +Whole troops with chapter rais'd and verse. 1170 +We knew too well those tricks of yours, +To leave it ever in your powers; +Or trust our safeties, or undoings, +To your disposing of out-goings; +Or to your ordering Providence, 1175 +One farthing's-worth of consequence. +For had you pow'r to undermine, +Or wit to carry a design, +Or correspondence to trepan, +Inveigle, or betray one man, 1180 +There's nothing else that intervenes, +And bars your zeal to use the means +And therefore wond'rous like, no doubt, +To bring in Kings, or keep them out. +Brave undertakers to restore, 1185 +That cou'd not keep yourselves in pow'r; +T' advance the int'rests of the Crown, +That wanted wit to keep your own. + +'Tis true, you have (for I'd be loth +To wrong ye) done your parts in both, 1190 +To keep him out, and bring him in, +As grace is introduc'd by sin; +For 'twas your zealous want of sense, +And sanctify'd impertinence, +Your carrying business in a huddle, 1195 +That forc'd our rulers to new-model; +Oblig'd the State to tack about, +And turn you, root and branch, all out; +To reformado, one and all, +T' your great <g> Croysado General. 1200 +Your greedy slav'ring to devour, +Before 'twas in your clutches, pow'r, +That sprung the game you were to set, +Before y' had time to draw the net; +Your spight to see the Churches' lands 1205 +Divided into other hands, +And all your sacrilegious ventures +Laid out in tickets and debentures; +Your envy to he sprinkled down, +By Under-Churches in the town; 1210 +And no course us'd to stop their mouths, +Nor th' Independents' spreading growths +All which consider'd, 'tis most true +None bring him in so much as you +Who have prevail'd beyond their plots, 1215 +Their midnight juntos, and seal'd knots +That thrive more by your zealous piques, +Than all their own rash politicks +And you this way may claim a share +In carrying (as you brag) th' affair; 1220 +Else frogs and toads, that croak'd the Jews +From PHARAOH and his brick-kilns loose, +And flies and mange, that set them free +From task-masters and slavery, +Were likelier to do the feat, 1225 +In any indiff'rent man's conceit +For who e'er heard of restoration +Until your thorough Reformation? +That is, the King's and Churches' land +Were sequester'd int' other hands: 1230 +For only then, and not before, +Your eyes were open'd to restore. +And when the work was carrying on, +Who cross'd it, but yourselves alone? +As by a world of hints appears, 1235 +All plain and extant as your ears. + +But first, o' th' first: The Isle of WIGHT +Will rise up, if you should deny't; +Where HENDERSON, and th' other masses, +Were sent to cap texts, and put cases; 1240 +To pass for deep and learned scholars, +Although but paltry <h> Ob and Sollers: +As if th' unseasonable fools +Had been a coursing in the schools; +Until th' had prov'd the Devil author 1245 +O' th' Covenant, and the Cause his daughter, +For when they charg'd him with the guilt +Of all the blood that had been spilt, +They did not mean he wrought th' effusion, +In person, like <i> Sir PRIDE, or HUGHSON, 1250 +But only those who first begun +The quarrel were by him set on; +And who could those be but the Saints, +Those Reformation Termagants? +But e'er this pass'd, the wise debate 1255 +Spent so much time, it grew too late; +For OLIVER had gotten ground, +T' inclose him with his warriors round +Had brought his Providence about, +And turn'd th' untimely sophists out, 1260 +Nor had the UXBRIDGE bus'ness less +Of nonsense in't, or sottishness, +When from a scoundrel Holder-forth, +The scum as well as son o' th' earth, +Your mighty Senators took law; 1265 +At his command, were forc'd t' withdraw, +And sacrifice the peace o' th' nation +To doctrine, use and application. +So when the SCOTS, your constant cronies, +Th' espousers of your Cause and monies, 1270 +Who had so often, in your aid, +So many ways been soundly paid, +Came in at last for better ends, +To prove themselves your trusty friends, +You basely left them, and the Church 1275 +They train'd you up to, in the lurch, +And suffer'd your own tribe of Christians +To fall before, as true Philistines. +This shews what utensils y' have been, +To bring the King's concernments in; 1280 +Which is so far from being true, +That none but he can bring in you: +And if he take you into trust, +Will find you most exactly just: +Such as will punctually repay 1285 +With double interest, and betray. + +Not that I think those pantomimes, +Who vary action with the times, +Are less ingenious in their art, +Than those who dully act one part; 1290 +Or those who turn from side to side, +More guilty than the wind and tide. +All countries are a wise man's home, +And so are governments to some, +Who change them for the same intrigues 1295 +That statesmen use in breaking leagues; +While others, in old faiths and troths, +Look odd as out-of-fashion'd cloths; +And nastier in an old opinion, +Than those who never shift their linnen. 1300 + +For true and faithful's sure to lose, +Which way soever the game goes; +And whether parties lose or win, +Is always nick'd, or else hedg'd in: +While pow'r usurp'd, like stol'n delight, 1305 +Is more bewitching than the right; +And when the times begin to alter, +None rise so high as from the halter. + +And so may we, if w' have but sense +To use the necessary means; 1310 +And not your usual stratagems +On one another, Lights and Dreams +To stand on terms as positive, +As if we did not take, but give: +Set up the Covenant on crutches, 1315 +'Gainst those who have us in their clutches, +And dream of pulling churches down, +Before w' are sure to prop our own: +Your constant method of proceeding, +Without the carnal mans of heeding; 1320 +Who 'twixt your inward sense and outward, +Are worse, than if y' had none, accoutred. +I grant, all courses are in vain, +Unless we can get in again; +The only way that's left us now; 1325 +But all the difficulty's, How? +'Tis true, w' have money, th' only pow 'r +That all mankind falls down before; +Money, that, like the swords of kings, +Is the last reason of all things; 1330 +And therefore need not doubt our play +Has all advantages that way; +As long as men have faith to sell, +And meet with those that can pay well; +Whose half-starv'd pride, and avarice, 1335 +One Church and State will not suffice +T' expose to sale, beside the wages +Of storing plagues to after-ages. +Nor is our money less our own, +Than 'twas before we laid it down; 1340 +For 'twill return, and turn t' account, +If we are brought, in play upon't: +Or but, by casting knaves, get in, +What pow 'r can hinder us to win? +We know the arts we us'd before, 1345 +In peace and war, and something more; +And by th' unfortunate events, +Can mend our next experiments: +For when w' are taken into trust, +How easy are the wisest choust? 1350 +Who see but th' outsides of our feats, +And not their secret springs and weights; +And while they're busy at their ease, +Can carry what designs we please. +How easy is it to serve for agents, 1355 +To prosecute our old engagements? +To keep the Good Old Cause on foot, +And present power from taking root? +Inflame them both with false alarms +Of plots and parties taking arms; 1360 +To keep the Nation's wounds too wide +From healing up of side to side; +Profess the passionat'st concerns +For both their interests by turns; +The only way to improve our own, 1365 +By dealing faithfully with none; +(As bowls run true, by being made +On purpose false, and to be sway'd:) +For if we should be true to either, +'Twould turn us out of both together; 1370 +And therefore have no other means +To stand upon our own defence, +But keeping up our ancient party +In vigour, confident and hearty: +To reconcile our late dissenters, 1375 +Our brethren, though by other venters; +Unite them, and their different maggots, +As long and short sticks are in faggots, +And make them join again as close +As when they first began t' espouse; 1380 +Erect them into separate +New Jewish tribes, in Church and State; +To join in marriage and commerce, +And only among themselves converse; +And all that are not of their mind, 1385 +Make enemies to all mankind: +Take all religions in and stickle +From Conclave down to Conventicle; +Agreeing still, or disagreeing, +According to the Light in being. 1390 +Sometimes for liberty of conscience, +And spiritual mis-rule, in one sense; +But in another quite contrary, +As dispensations chance to vary; +And stand for, as the times will bear it, 1395 +All contradictions of the Spirit: +Protect their emissaries, empower'd +To preach sedition and the word; +And when they're hamper'd by the laws, +Release the lab'rers for the Cause, 1400 +And turn the persecution back +On those that made the first attack; +To keep them equally in awe, +From breaking or maintaining law: +And when they have their fits too soon, 1405 +Before the full-tides of the moon, +Put off their zeal t' a fitter season +For sowing faction in and treason; +And keep them hooded, and their Churches, +Like hawks from baiting on their perches, 1410 +That, when the blessed time shall come +Of quitting BABYLON and ROME, +They may be ready to restore +Their own Fifth Monarchy once more. + +Meanwhile be better arm'd to fence 1415 +Against revolts of Providence. +By watching narrowly, and snapping +All blind sides of it, they happen +For if success could make us Saints, +Or ruin turn'd us miscreants: 1420 +A scandal that wou'd fall too hard +Upon a few, and. unprepar'd. + +These are the courses we must run, +Spight of our hearts, or be undone; +And not to stand on terms and freaks, 1425 +Before we have secur'd our necks; +But do our work, as out of sight, +As stars by day, and suns by night; +All licence of the people own, +In opposition to the Crown; 1430 +And for the Crown as fiercely side, +The head and body to divide; +The end of all we first design'd, +And all that yet remains behind +Be sure to spare no publick rapine, 1435 +On all emergencies, that happen; +For 'tis as easy to supplant +Authority as men in want; +As some of us, in trusts, have made +The one hand with the other trade; 1440 +Gain'd vastly by their joint endeavour; +The right a thief; the left receiver; +And what the one, by tricks, forestall'd, +The other, by as sly, retail'd. +For gain has wonderful effects 1445 +T' improve the Factory of Sects; +The rule of faith in all professions. +And great DIANA of the EPHESIANS; +Whence turning of Religion's made +The means to turn and wind a trade: 1450 +And though some change it for the worse, +They put themselves into a course; +And draw in store of customers, +To thrive the better in commerce: +For all Religions flock together, 1455 +Like tame and wild fowl of a feather; +To nab the itches of their sects, +As jades do one another's necks. +Hence 'tis, Hypocrisy as well +Will serve t' improve a Church as ZEAL: 1460 +As Persecution or Promotion, +Do equally advance Devotion. + +Let business, like ill watches, go +Sometime too fast, sometime too slow; +For things in order are put out 1465 +So easy, Ease itself will do't; +But when the feat's design'd and meant, +What miracle can bar th' event? +For 'tis more easy to betray, +Than ruin any other way. 1470 +All possible occasions start +The weighty'st matters to divert; +Obstruct, perplex, distract, intangle, +And lay perpetual trains to wrangle. +But in affairs of less import, 1475 +That neither do us good nor hurt, +And they receive as little by, +Out-fawn as much, and out-comply; +And seem as scrupulously just, +To bait our hooks for greater trust; 1480 +But still be careful to cry down +All publick actions, though our own: +The least miscarriage aggravate, +And charge it all upon the Sate; +Express the horrid'st detestation, 1485 +And pity the distracted nation +Tell stories scandalous and false, +I' th' proper language of cabals, +Where all a subtle statesman says, +Is half in words, and half in face; 1490 +(As Spaniards talk in dialogues +Of heads and shoulders, nods and shrugs:) +Entrust it under solemn vows +Of mum, and silence, and the rose, +To be retail'd again in whispers, 1495 +For th' easy credulous to disperse. + +Thus far the Statesman -- When a shout, +Heard at a distance, put him out; +And straight another, all aghast, +Rush'd in with equal fear and haste; 1500 +Who star'd about, as pale as death, +And, for a while, as out of breath; +Till having gather'd up his wits, +He thus began his tale by fits. + +That <k> beastly rabble -- that came down 1505 +From all the garrets -- in the town, +And stalls, and shop-boards -- in vast swarms, +With new-chalk'd bills -- and rusty arms, +To cry the Cause -- up, heretofore, +And bawl the BISHOPS -- out of door, 1510 +Are now drawn up -- in greater shoals, +To roast -- and broil us on the coals, +And all the Grandees -- of our Members +Are carbonading -- on the embers; +Knights, Citizens, and Burgesses -- 1515 +Held forth by Rumps -- of Pigs and Geese, +That serve for Characters -- and Badges. +To represent their Personages: +Each bonfire is a funeral pile, +In which they roast, and scorch, and broil, 1520 +And ev'ry representative +Have vow'd to roast -- and broil alive: + +And 'tis a miracle, we are not +Already sacrific' d incarnate. +For while we wrangle here, and jar, 1525 +W' are grilly'd all at TEMPLE-BAR: +Some on the sign-post of an ale-house, +Hang in effigy, on the gallows; +Made up of rags, to personate +Respective Officers of State; 1530 +That henceforth they may stand reputed, +Proscrib'd in law, and executed; +And while the Work is carrying on +Be ready listed under <l> DON, +That worthy patriot, once the bellows, 1535 +And tinder-box, of all his fellows; +The activ'st Member of the Five, +As well as the most primitive; +Who, for his faithful service then +Is chosen for a Fifth agen: 1540 +(For since the State has made a Quint +Of Generals, he's listed in't.) +This worthy, as the world will say, +Is paid in specie, his own way; +For, moulded to the life in clouts, 1545 +Th' have pick'd from dung-hills hereabouts, +He's mounted on a hazel bavin, +A cropp'd malignant baker gave 'm; +And to the largest bone-fire riding, +They've roasted <m> COOK already and PRIDE in; 1550 +On whom in equipage and state, +His scarecrow fellow-members wait, +And march in order, two and two, +As at thanksgivings th' us'd to do; +Each in a tatter'd talisman, 1555 +Like vermin in effigie slain. + +But (what's more dreadful than the rest) +Those Rumps are but the tail o' th' Beast, +Set up by Popish engineers, +As by the crackers plainly appears; 1560 +For none but Jesuits have a mission +To preach the faith with ammunition, +And propagate the Church with powder: +Their founder was a blown-up <n> Soldier. +These spiritual pioneers o' th' Whore's, 1565 +That have the charge of all her stores, +Since first they fail'd in their designs, +To take in Heav'n by springing mines, +And with unanswerable barrels +Of gunpowder dispute their quarrels, 1570 +Now take a course more practicable, +By laying trains to fire the rabble, +And blow us up in th' open streets, +Disguis'd in Rumps, like Sambenites; +More like to ruin, and confound, 1575 +Than all the doctrines under ground. + +Nor have they chosen Rumps amiss +For symbols of State-mysteries; +Though some suppose 'twas but to shew +How much they scorn'd the Saints, the few; 1580 +Who, 'cause they're wasted to the stumps, +Are represented best by Rumps. +But Jesuits have deeper reaches +In all their politick far-fetches, +And from the Coptick Priest, <o> Kircherus, 1585 +Found out this mystick way to jeer us. +For, as th' <p> Egyptians us'd by bees +T' express their antick PTOLOMIES; +And by their stings, the swords they wore, +Held forth authority and power; 1590 +Because these subtil animals +Bear all their int'rests in their tails; +And when they're once impar'd in that, +Are banish'd their well-order'd state; +They thought all governments were best 1595 +By Hieroglyphick Rumps exprest. + +For, as in bodies natural, +The rump's the fundament of all; +So, in a commonwealth, or realm, +The government is call'd the helm; 1600 +With which, like vessels under sail, +They're turn'd and winded by the tail; +The tail, which birds and fishes steer +Their courses with through sea and air; +To whom the rudder of the rump is 1605 +The same thing with the stern and compass. +This shews how perfectly the Rump +And Commonwealth in nature jump. +For as a fly, that goes to bed, +Rests with his tail above his head, 1610 +So in this mungrel state of ours; +The rabble are the supreme powers; +That hors'd us on their backs, to show us +A jadish trick at last, and throw us. + +The learned Rabbins of the Jews 1615 +Write there's a bone, which they call leuz, +I' th' rump of man, of such a virtue, +No force in nature can do hurt to; +And therefore at the last great day, +All th' other members shall, they say, 1620 +Spring out of this, as from a seed +All sorts of vegetals proceed; +From whence the learned sons of art +Os Sacrum justly stile that part. +Then what can better represent 1625 +Than this Rump Bone the Parliament; +That, alter several rude ejections, +And as prodigious resurrections, +With new reversions of nine lives, +Starts up, and like a cat revives? 1630 + +But now, alas! they're all expir'd, +And th' House, as well as Members, fir'd; +Consum'd in kennels by the rout, +With which they other fires put out: +Condemn'd t' ungoverning distress, 1635 +And paultry, private wretchedness; +Worse than the Devil, to privation, +Beyond all hopes of restoration; +And parted, like the body and soul, +From all dominion and controul. 1640 +We, who cou'd lately with a look +Enact, establish, or revoke; +Whose arbitrary nods gave law, +And frowns kept multitudes in awe; +Before the bluster of whose huff, 1645 +All hats, as in a storm, flew off; +Ador'd and bowed to by the great, +Down to the footman and valet; +Had more bent knees than chapel-mats, +And prayers than the crowns of hats; 1650 +Shall now be scorn'd as wretchedly; +For ruin's just as low as high; +Which might be suffer'd, were it all +The horror that attends our fall: +For some of us have scores more large 1655 +Than heads and quarters can discharge; +And others, who, by restless scraping, +With publick frauds, and private rapine, +Have mighty heaps of wealth amass'd, +Would gladly lay down all at last; 1660 +And to be but undone, entail +Their vessels on perpetual jail; +And bless the Dev'l to let them farms +Of forfeit souls on no worse terms. + +This said, a near and louder shout 1665 +Put all th' assembly to the rout, +Who now begun t' out-run their fear, +As horses do from whom they bear; +But crowded on with so mach haste, +Until th' had block'd the passage fast, 1670 +And barricado'd it with haunches +Of outward men, and bulks, and paunches, +That with their shoulders strove to squeeze, +And rather save a crippled piece +Of all their crush'd and broken members, 1675 +Than have them grilled on the embers; +Still pressing on with heavy packs +Of one another on their backs: +The van-guard could no longer hear +The charges of the forlorn rear, 1680 +But, born down headlong by the rout, +Were trampled sorely under foot: +Yet nothing prov'd so formidable +As the horrid cookery of the rabble; +And fear, that keeps all feeling out, 1685 +As lesser pains are by the gout, +Reliev'd 'em with a fresh supply +Of rallied force enough to fly, +And beat a Tuscan running-horse, +Whose jockey-rider is all spurs. 1690 + + + +NOTES TO PART III. CANTO II. + + +1 g The Learned write, &c.] An insect breeze. Breezes often +bring along with them great quantities of insects, which some +are of opinion, are generated from viscous exhalations in the air; +but our Author makes them proceed from a cow's dung, and +afterwards become a plague to that whence it received its +original. + +13 h For as the Persian, &c.] The Magi were priests and +philosophers among the Persians, intrusted with the government +both civil and ecclesiastick, much addicted to the observation of +the stars. Zoroaster is reported to be their first author. They had +this custom amongst them, to preserve and continue their +families by incestuous copulation with their own mothers. Some +are of opinion, that the three wise men that came out of the East +to worship our Saviour were some of these. + +51 i At Michael's Term, &c.] St. Michael, an archangel; +mentioned in St. Jude's Epistle, Verse 9. + +78 k And laid about, &c.] William Prynne, of Lincoln's-Inn, +Esq. born at Swanswick, who stiled himself Utter Barrister, a +very warm person, and voluminous writer; and after the +Restoration, keeper of the records in the Tower. + +146 l As Dutch Boors, &c.] It is reported of the Dutch women, +that making so great use of stoves, and often putting them under +their petticoats, they engender a kind of ugly monster, which is +called a Sooterkin. + +151 m T' out-cant the Babylonian, &c.] At the building of the +Tower of Babel, when God made the confusion of languages. + +215 Toss'd in a furious Hurricane, &c.] At Oliver's death was a +most furious tempest, such as had not been known in the +memory of man, or hardly ever recorded to have been in this +nation. This Sterry reported something ridiculously fabulous +concerning Oliver, not unlike what Proculus did of Romulus. + +224 o False Heaven, &c.] After the Restoration, Oliver's body +was dug up, and his head set at the farther end of Westminster- +hall, near which place there is an house of entertainment, which +is commonly known by the name of Heaven. + +227 p So Romulus, &c.] A Roman Senator, whose name was +Proculus, and much beloved by Romulus, made oath before the +Senate, that this prince appeared to him after his death, and +predicted the future grandeur of that city, promising to be +protector of it; and expressly charged him, that he should be +adored there under the name of Quirinus; and he had his temple +on Mount Quirinale. + +231 q Next his Son, &c.] Oliver's eldest son Richard was, by +him before his death, declared his successor; and, by order of +privy-council, proclaimed Lord Protector, and received the +compliments of congratulation and condolence, at the same +time, from the Lord Mayor and Court of Aldermen: and +addresses were presented to him from all parts of the nation, +promising to stand by him with their lives and fortunes. He +summoned a Parliament to meet at Westminster, which +recognized him Lord Protector: yet, notwithstanding, +Fleetwood, Desborough, and their partizans, managed affairs +so, that he was obliged to resign. + +245 r To edify upon the Ruins, &c.] John of Leyden, whose +name was Buckhold, was a butcher of the same place, but a +crafty, eloquent, and seditious fellow and one of those called +Anabaptists. He went and set up at Munster, where, with +Knipperdoling, and others of the same faction, they spread their +abominable errors, and run about the streets in enthusiastical +raptures, crying, Repent and be baptized, pronouncing dismal +woes against all those that would not embrace their tenets. +About the year 1533 they broke out into an open insurrection, +and seized the palace and magazines, and grew so formidable +that it was very dangerous for those who were not of their +persuasion to dwell in Munster; but at length he and his +associates being subdued and taken, he was executed at +Munster, had his flesh pulled off by two executioners with red- +hot pincers for the space of an hour, and then run through with a +sword. + +351 s 'Mong these there was a Politician, &c.] This was the +famous E. of S. who was endued with a particular faculty of +undermining and subverting all sorts of government. + +409 t and better than by Napier's Bones, &c.] The famous Lord +Napier, of Scotland, the first inventor of logarithms, contrived +also a set of square pieces, with numbers on them, made +generally of ivory, (which perform arithmetical and geometrical +calculations,) and are commonly called Napier's Bones. + +421 u To match this Saint, &c.] The great colonel John +Lilbourn, whose trial is so remarkable, and well known at this +time. + +475 w The Trojan Mare, &c.] After the Grecians had spent ten +years in the siege of Troy, without the least prospect of success, +they bethought of a stratagem, and made a wooden horse +capable of containing a considerable number of armed men: this +they filled with the choicest of their army, and then pretended to +raise the siege; upon which the credulous Trojans made a +breach in the walls of the city to bring in this fatal plunder; but +when it was brought in, the inclosed heroes soon appeared, and +surprizing the city, the rest entered in at the breach. + +520 x (I mean Margaret's Fast) &c.] That Parliament used to +have publick fasts kept in St. Margaret's church, Westminster, +as is done to this present time. + +605 y To hang like Mahomet, &c.] It is reported of Mahomet +the great impostor, that having built a mosque, the roof whereof +was of loadstone, and ordering his corpse, when he was dead, to +be put into an iron coffin, and brought into that place, the +loadstone soon attracted it near the top, where it still hangs in +the air. +No less fabulous is what the legend says of Ignatius Loyola, that +his zeal and devotion transported him so, that at his prayers he +has been seen to be raised from the ground for some +considerable time together. + +650 z As easy as Serpents, &c.] Naturalists report, that Snakes, +Serpents, &c. cast their skins every year. + +655 a As Barnacles turn Soland Geese, &c.] It is said that in the +Islands of the Orcades, in Scotland, there are trees which bear +those barnacles, which dropping off into the water, receive life, +and become those birds called soland geese. + +663 b So he that keeps the Gate of Hell, &c.] The poets feign +the dog Cerberus, that is the porter of hell, to have three heads. + +685 c The GIBELLINES, &c.] Two great factions in Italy, +distinguished by those names, miserably distracted and wasted +it about the year 1130. + +841 d When three Saints Ears, &c.] Burton, Prynn, and +Bastwick, three notorious ringleaders of the factious, just at the +beginning of the late horrid rebellion. + +894 e But Fisher's Folly, &c.] Fisher's Folly, was where +Devonshire-Square now stands, and was a great place of +consultation in those days. + +907 f Cut out more Work, &c.] Plato's year, or the grand +revolution of the intire machine of the world, was accounted +4000 years. + +1200 g T' your great Croysado General, &c.] General Fairfax, +who was soon laid aside after he had done some of their +drudgery for them. + +1241 h To pass for deep and learned Scholars, &c.] Two +ridiculous scribblers, that were often pestering the world with +nonsense. + +1250 i Like Sir Pride, &c.] The one a brewer, the other a +shoemaker, and both colonels in the rebels' army. + +1505 k The beastly Rabble that came down, &c.] This is an +accurate description of the mob's burning rumps upon the +admission of the secluded Members, on contempt of the Rump- +Parliament. + +1534 l Be ready listed under DON] The hangman's name at that +time was Don. + +1550 m They've roasted COOK already and PRIDE in.] Cook +acted as solicitor-general against King Charles the First at his +trial; and afterwards received his just reward for the same. +Pride, a colonel in the Parliament's army. + +1564 n Their Founder was a blown up Soldier.] Ignatius Loyola, +the founder of the society of the Jesuits, was a gentleman of +Biscay, in Spain, and bred a soldier; was at Pampelune when it +was besieged by the French in the year 1521, and was so very +lame in both feet, by the damage he sustained there, that he was +forced to keep his bed. + +1585 o And from their Coptick Priests, Kircherus.] Athanasius +Kircher, a Jesuit, hath wrote largely on the AEgyptian mystical +learning. + + 1587 p For, as the AEgyptians us'd by Bees, &c.] The +AEgyptians represented their kings, (many of whose names +were Ptolemy) under the hieroglyphick of a bee, dispensing +honey to the good and virtuous, and having a sting for the +wicked and dissolute. + + + +PART III + + +CANTO III + + +THE ARGUMENT. + +------------------------------------------------- +The Knight and squire's prodigious Flight +To quit th' inchanted Bow'r by Night. +He plods to turn his amorous Suit +T' a Plea in Law, and prosecute +Repairs to Counsel, to advise +'Bout managing the Enterprise; +But first resolves to try by Letter, +And one more fair Address, to get her. +------------------------------------------------- + + +WHO wou'd believe what strange bugbears +Mankind creates itself of fears +That spring like fern, that insect weed, +Equivocally, without seed; +And have no possible foundation, 5 +But merely in th' imagination; +And yet can do more dreadful feats +Than hags, with all their <q> imps and teats +Make more bewitch and haunt themselves +Than all their nurseries of elves? 10 +For fear does things so like a witch, +'Tis hard t' unriddle which is which: +Sets up Communities of senses, +To chop and change intelligences; +As <r> Rosicrucian virtuosos 15 +Can see with ears, and hear with noses; +And when they neither see nor hear, +Have more than both supply'd by fear +That makes 'em in the dark see visions, +And hag themselves with apparitions; 20 +And when their eyes discover least, +Discern the subtlest objects best +Do things not contrary, alone, +To th' course of nature, but its own; +The courage of the bravest daunt, 25 +And turn poltroons as valiant: +For men as resolute appear +With too much as too little fear +And when they're out of hopes of flying, +Will run away from death by dying; 30 +Or turn again to stand it out, +And those they fled, like lions, rout. + +This HUDIBRAS had prov'd too true, +Who, by the furies left perdue, +And haunted with detachments, sent 35 +From <s> Marshal Legion's regiment, +Was by a fiend, as counterfeit, +Reliev'd and rescu'd with a cheat; +When nothing but himself, and fear, +Was both the imp and conjurer; 40 +As, by the rules o' th' virtuosi, +It follows in due form of poesie. + +Disguis'd in all the masks of night, +We left our champion on his flight, +At blind man's buff, to grope his way, 45 +In equal fear of night and day, +Who took his dark and desp'rate course, +He knew no better than his horse; +And, by an unknown Devil led, +(He knew as little whither,) fled. 50 +He never was in greater need, +Nor less capacity, of speed; +Disabled, both in man and beast, +To fly and run away his best; +To keep the enemy, and fear, 55 +From equal falling on his rear. +And though with kicks and bangs he ply'd +The further and the nearer side, +(As seamen ride with all their force, +And tug as if they row'd the horse, 60 +And when the hackney sails most swift, +Believe they lag, or run a-drift,) +So, though he posted e'er so fast, +His fear was greater than his haste: +For fear, though fleeter than the wind, 65 +Believes 'tis always left behind. +But when the morn began t' appear, +And shift t' another scene his fear, +He found his new officious shade, +That came so timely to his aid, 70 +And forc'd him from the foe t' escape, +Had turn'd itself to RALPHO's shape; +So like in person, garb, and pitch, +'Twas hard t' interpret which was which. + +For RALPHO had no sooner told 75 +The Lady all he had t' unfold, +But she convey'd him out of sight, +To entertain the approaching Knight; +And, while he gave himself diversion, +T' accommodate his beast and person, 80 +And put his beard into a posture +At best advantage to accost her, +She order'd th' anti-masquerade +(For his reception) aforesaid: +But when the ceremony was done, 85 +The lights put out, and furies gone, +And HUDIBRAS, among the rest, +Convey'd away, as RALPHO guess'd, +The wretched caitiff, all alone, +(As he believ'd) began to moan, 90 +And tell his story to himself, +The Knight mistook him for an elf; +And did so still till he began +To scruple at RALPH's Outward Man; +And thought, because they oft agreed 95 +T' appear in one another's stead, +And act the Saint's and Devil's part +With undistinguishable art, +They might have done so now, perhaps, +And put on one another's shapes 100 +And therefore, to resolve the doubt, +He star'd upon him, and cry'd out, +What art? My 'Squire, or that bold Sprite +That took his place and shape to-night? +Some busy indepenent pug, 105 +Retainer to his Synagogue? +Alas! quoth he, I'm none of those, +Your bosom friends, as you suppose; +But RALPH himself, your trusty 'Squire, +Wh' has dragg'd your Dunship out o' th' mire, 110 +And from th' inchantments of a widow, +Wh' had turn'd you int' a beast, have freed you; +And, though a prisoner of war, +Have brought you safe where you now are; +Which you would gratefully repay 115 +Your constant Presbyterian way. + +That's stranger (quoth the Knight) and stranger. +Who gave thee notice of my danger? + +Quoth he, Th' infernal Conjurer +Pursu'd and took me prisoner; 120 +And knowing you were hereabout, +Brought me along to find you out; +Where I, in hugger-mugger hid, +Have noted all they said or did: +And though they lay to him the pageant, 125 +I did not see him, nor his agent; +Who play'd their sorceries out of sight, +T' avoid a fiercer second fight. +But didst thou see no Devils then? +Not one (quoth he) but carnal men, 130 +A little worse than fiends in hell, +And that She-Devil Jezebel, +That laugh'd and tee-he'd with derision, +To see them take your deposition. + +What then (quoth HUDIBRAS) was he 135 +That play'd the Dev'l to examine me? +A rallying weaver in the town, +That did it in a parson's gown; +Whom all the parish take for gifted; +But, for my part, I ne'er believ'd it: 140 +In which you told them all your feats, +Your conscientious frauds and cheats; +Deny'd your whipping, and confest +The naked truth of all the rest, +More plainly than the <t> Rev'rend Writer, 145 +That to our Churches veil'd his Mitre; +All which they took in black and white, +And cudgell'd me to under-write. + +What made thee, when they all were gone, +And none but thou and I alone, 150 +To act the Devil, and forbear +To rid me of my hellish fear? + +Quoth he, I knew your constant rate +And frame of sp'rit too obstinate +To be by me prevail'd upon 155 +With any motives of my own; +And therefore strove to counterfeit +The Dev'l a-while, to nick your wit; +The Devil, that is your constant crony, +That only can prevail upon ye; 160 +Else we might still have been disputing, +And they with weighty drubs confuting. + +The Knight who now began to find +Th' had left the enemy behind, +And saw no farther harm remain, 165 +But feeble weariness and pain; +Perceiv'd, by losing of their way, +Th' had gain'd th' advantage of the day; +And, by declining of the road, +They had, by chance, their rear made good; 170 +He ventur'd to dismiss his fear, +That parting's wont to rent and tear, +And give the desperat'st attack +To danger still behind its back. +For having paus'd to recollect, 175 +And on his past success reflect, +T' examine and consider why, +And whence, and how, they came to fly, +And when no Devil had appear'd, +What else, it cou'd be said, he fear'd; 180 +It put him in so fierce a rage, +He once resolv'd to re-engage; +Toss'd like a foot-ball back again, +With shame and vengeance, and disdain. +Quoth he, it was thy cowardice 185 +That made me from this leaguer rise +And when I'd half reduc'd the place, +To quit it infamously base +Was better cover'd by the new +Arriv'd detachment then I knew; 190 +To slight my new acquests, and run +Victoriously from battles won; +And reck'ning all I gain'd or lost, +To sell them cheaper than they cost; +To make me put myself to flight, 195 +And conqu'ring run away by night +To drag me out, which th' haughty foe +Durst never have presum'd to do +To mount me in the dark, by force, +Upon the bare ridge of my horse; 200 +Expos'd in querpo to their rage, +Without my arms and equipage; +Lest, if they ventur'd to pursue, +I might th' unequal fight renew; +And, to preserve thy Outward Man, 205 +Assum'd my place, and led the van. + +All this quoth RALPH, I did, 'tis true, +Not to preserve my self, but you; +You, who were damn'd to baser drubs +Than wretches feel in powd'ring tubs. 210 +To mount two-wheel'd carroches, worse +Than managing a wooden-horse +Dragg'd out through straiter holes by th' ears, +Eras'd or coup'd for perjurers; +Who, though th' attempt had prov'd in vain, 215 +Had had no reason to complain: +But since it prosper'd, 'tis unhandsome +To blame the hand that paid our ransome, +And rescu'd your obnoxious bones +From unavoidable battoons. 220 +The enemy was reinforc'd, +And we disabled, and unhors'd, +Disarm'd, unqualify'd for fight, +And no way left but hasty flight, +Which though as desp'rate in th' attempt, 225 +Has giv'n you freedom to condemn't. +But were our bones in fit condition +To reinforce the expedition, +'Tis now unseasonable, and vain, +To think of falling on again. 230 +No martial project to surprize +Can ever be attempted twice; +Nor cast design serve afterwards, +As gamesters tear their losing-cards, +Beside, our bangs of man and beast 235 +Are fit for nothing now but rest; +And for a-while will not be able +To rally, and prove serviceable; +And therefore I, with reason, chose +This stratagem t' amuse our foes; 240 +To make an honourable retreat, +And wave a total sure defeat; +For those that fly may fight again, +Which he can never do that's slain. +Hence timely running's no mean part 245 +Of conduct in the martial art; +By which some glorious feats atchieve, +As citizens by breaking thrive; +And cannons conquer armies, while +They seem to draw off and recoil; 250 +Is held the gallantest course, and bravest +To great exploits, as well as safest; +That spares th' expence of time and pains, +And dangerous beating out of brains; +And in the end prevails as certain 255 +As those that never trust to fortune; +But make their fear do execution +Beyond the stoutest resolution; +As earthquakes kill without a blow, +And, only trembling, overthrow, 260 +If <u> th' ancients crown'd their bravest men +That only sav'd a citizen, +What victory could e'er be won, +If ev'ry one would save but one +Or fight endanger'd to be lost, 265 +Where all resolve to save the most? +By this means, when a battle's won, +The war's as far from being done; +For those that save themselves, and fly, +Go halves, at least, i' th' victory; 270 +And sometimes, when the loss is small, +And danger great, they challenge all; +Print new additions to their feats, +And emendations in Gazettes; +And when, for furious haste to run, 275 +They durst not stay to fire a gun, +Have done't with bonfires, and at home +Made squibs and crackers overcome; +To set the rabble on a flame, +And keep their governors from blame; 280 +Disperse the news the pulpit tells, +Confirm'd with fire-works and with bells; +And though reduc'd to that extream, +They have been forc'd to sing Te Deum; +Yet, with religious blasphemy, 285 +By flattering Heaven with a lie +And for their beating giving thanks, +Th' have rais'd recruits, and fill'd their banks; +For those who run from th' enemy, +Engage them equally to fly; 290 +And when the fight becomes a chace, +Those win the day that win the race +And that which would not pass in fights, +Has done the feat with easy flights; +Recover'd many a desp'rate campaign 295 +With Bordeaux, Burgundy, and Champaign; +Restor'd the fainting high and mighty +With brandy-wine and aqua-vitae; +And made 'em stoutly overcome +With bachrach, hoccamore, and mum; 300 +Whom the uncontroul'd decrees of fate +To victory necessitate; +With which, although they run or burn +They unavoidably return: +Or else their <w> sultan populaces 305 +Still strangle all their routed Bassas. + +Quoth HUDIBRAS, I understand +What fights thou mean'st at sea and land, +And who those were that run away, +And yet gave out th' had won the day; 310 +Although the rabble sous'd them for't, +O'er head and ears in mud and dirt. +'Tis true, our modern way of war +Is grown more politick by far, +But not so resolute, and bold, 315 +Nor ty'd to honour, as the old. +For now they laugh at giving battle, +Unless it be to herds of cattle; +Or fighting convoys of provision, +The whole design o' the expedition: 320 +And not with downright blows to rout +The enemy, but eat them out: +As fighting, in all beasts of prey, +And eating, are perform'd one way, +To give defiance to their teeth 325 +And fight their stubborn guts to death; +And those atchieve the high'st renown, +That bring the others' stomachs down, +There's now no fear of wounds, nor maiming; +All dangers are reduc'd to famine; 330 +And feats of arms, to plot, design, +Surprize, and stratagem, and mine; +But have no need nor use of courage, +Unless it be for glory or forage: +For if they fight, 'tis but by chance, 335 +When one side vent'ring to advance, +And come uncivilly too near, +Are charg'd unmercifully i' th' rear; +And forc'd with terrible resistance, +To keep hereafter at a distance; 340 +To pick out ground to incamp upon, +Where store of largest rivers run, +That serve, instead of peaceful barriers, +To part th' engagements of their warriors; +Where both from side to side may skip, 345 +And only encounter at bo-peep: +For men are found the stouter-hearted, +The certainer th' are to be parted, +And therefore post themselves in bogs, +As th' ancient <x> mice attack'd the frogs, 350 +And made their mortal enemy, +The water-rat, their strict ally. +For 'tis not now, who's stout and bold, +But who bears hunger best, and cold; +And he's approv'd the most deserving, 355 +Who longest can hold out at starving; +And he that routs most pigs and cows, +The formidablest man of prowess. +So th' emperor CALIGULA, +That triumph'd o'er the British Sea, 360 +Took crabs and oysters prisoners, +Lobsters, 'stead of cuirasiers, +Engag'd his legions in fierce bustles +With periwinkles, prawns, and muscles; +And led his troops with furious gallops, 365 +To charge whole regiments of scallops +Not like their ancient way of war, +To wait on his triumphal carr +But when he went to dine or sup +More bravely eat his captives up; 370 +And left all war, by his example, +Reduc'd to vict'ling of a camp well. + +Quoth RALPH, By all that you have said, +And twice as much that I cou'd add, +'Tis plain you cannot now do worse, 375 +Than take this out-of-fashion'd course; +To hope, by stratagem, to woo her, +Or waging battle to subdue her +Though some have done it in romances, +And bang'd them into amorous fancies; 380 +As those who won the AMAZONS, +By wanton drubbing of their bones; +And stout <y> Rinaldo gain'd his bride, +By courting of her back and side. +But since those times and feats are over, 385 +They are not for a modern lover, +When mistresses are too cross-grain'd +By such addresses to be gain'd; +And if they were, wou'd have it out +With many another kind of bout. 390 +Therefore I hold no course s' infeasible, +As this of force to win the JEZEBEL; +To storm her heart, by th' antick charms +Of ladies errant, force of arms; +But rather strive by law to win her, 395 +And try the title you have in her. +Your case is clear; you have her word, +And me to witness the accord +Besides two more of her retinue +To testify what pass'd between you; 400 +More probable, and like to hold, +Than hand, or seal, or breaking gold; +For which so many, that renounc'd +Their plighted contracts, have been trounc'd +And bills upon record been found, 405 +That forc'd the ladies to compound; +And that, unless I miss the matter, +Is all the bus'ness you look after. +Besides, encounters at the bar +Are braver now than those in war, 410 +In which the law does execution +With less disorder and confusion +Has more of honour in't, some hold +Not like the new way, but the old +When those the pen had drawn together, 415 +Decided quarrels with the feather, +And winged arrows kill'd as dead, +And more than bullets now of lead. +So all their combats now, as then, +Are manag'd chiefly by the pen; 420 +That does the feat with braver vigours, +In words at length, as well as figures; +Is judge of all the world performs +In voluntary feats of arms +And whatsoe'er's atchiev'd in fight, 425 +Determines which is wrong or right: +For whether you prevail, or lose +All must be try'd there in the close; +And therefore 'tis not wise to shun +What you must trust to ere y' have done. 430 + +The law, that settles all you do, +And marries where you did but woo; +That makes the most perfidious lover +A lady, that's as false, recover; +And if it judge upon your side, 435 +Will soon extend her for your bride; +And put her person, goods, or lands, +Or which you like best int' your hands. + +For law's the wisdom of all ages, +And manag'd by the ablest sages; 440 +Who, though their bus'ness at the bar +Be but a kind of civil war, +In which th' engage with fiercer dudgeons +Than e'er the GRECIANS did and TROJANS, +They never manage the contest 445 +T' impair their public interest; +Or by their controversies lessen +The dignity of their profession: +Not like us Brethren, who divide +Our Commonwealth, the Cause, and Side; 450 +And though w' are all as near of kindred +As th' outward man is to the inward, +We agree in nothing, but to wrangle +About the slightest fingle-fangle; +While lawyers have more sober sense 455 +Than t' argue at their own expence, +But make their best advantages +Of others' quarrels, like the Swiss; +And, out of foreign controversies, +By aiding both sides, fill their purses; 460 +But have no int'rest in the cause +For which th' engage, and wage the laws; +Nor further prospect than their pay, +Whether they lose or win the day: +And though th' abounded in all ages, 465 +With sundry learned clerks and sages, +Though all their business be dispute, +Which way they canvass ev'ry suit, +Th' have no disputes about their art, +Nor in Polemicks controvert: 470 +While all professions else are found +With nothing but disputes t' abound +Divines of all sorts, and physicians, +Philosophers, mathematicians: +The Galenist and Paracelsian 475 +Condemn the way each other deals in: +Anatomists dissect and mangle, +To cut themselves out work to wrangle +Astrologers dispute their dreams, +That in their sleeps they talk of schemes: 480 +And heralds stickle, who got who +So many hundred years ago. + +But lawyers are too wise a nation +T' expose their trade to disputation; +Or make the busy rabble judges 485 +Of all their secret piques and grudges; +In which whoever wins the day, +The whole profession's sure to pay. +Beside, no mountebanks, nor cheats, +Dare undertake to do their feats, 490 +When in all other sciences +They swarm, like insects, and increase. + +For what bigot durst ever draw, +By inward light, a deed in law? +Or could hold forth, by revelation, 495 +An answer to a declaration? +For those that meddle with their tools +Will cut their fingers, if they're fools; +And if you follow their advice, +In bills, and answers, and replies, 500 +They'll write a love-letter in chancery, +Shall bring her upon oath to answer ye, +And soon reduce her to b' your wife, +Or make her weary of her life. + +The Knight, who us'd with tricks and shifts 505 +To edify by RALPHO's Gifts, +But in appearance cry'd him down, +To make them better seem his own, +(All Plagiaries' constant course +Of sinking when they take a purse), 510 +Resolv'd to follow his advice, +But kept it from him by disguise; +And, after stubborn contradiction, +To counterfeit his own conviction, +And by transition fall upon 515 +The resolution as his own. + +Quoth he, This gambol thou advisest +Is of all others the unwisest; +For if I think by law to gain her, +There's nothing sillier or vainer 520 +'Tis but to hazard my pretence, +Where nothing's certain, but th' expence; +To act against myself, and traverse +My suit and title, to her favours +And if she shou'd (which Heav'n forbid) 525 +O'erthrow me, as the fidler did, +What aftercourse have I to take, +'Gainst losing all I have at stake? +He that with injury is griev'd, +And goes to law to be reliev'd, 530 +Is sillier than a sottish chowse, +Who, when thief has robb'd his house, +Applies himself to cunning men, +To help him to his goods agen; +When all he can expect to gain, 535 +Is but to squander more in vain; +And yet I have no other way +But is as difficult to play. +For to reduce her by main force, +Is now in vain; by fair means, worse; 540 +But worst of all, to give her over, +'Till she's as desp'rate to recover +For bad games are thrown up too soon, +Until th' are never to be won. +But since I have no other course, 545 +But is as bad t' attempt, or worse, +He that complies against his will, +Is of his own opinion still; +Which he may adhere to, yet disown, +For reasons to himself best known: 550 +But 'tis not to b' avoided now, +For SIDROPHEL resolves to sue; +Whom I must answer, or begin +Inevitably first with him. +For I've receiv'd advertisement, 555 +By times enough, of his intent; +And knowing he that first complains +Th' advantage of the business gains; +For Courts of Justice understand +The plaintiff to be eldest hand; 560 +Who what he pleases may aver; +The other, nothing, till he swear; +Is freely admitted to all grace, +And lawful favour, by his place; +And, for his bringing custom in, 565 +Has all advantages to win. +I, who resolve to oversee +No lucky opportunity, +Will go to council, to advise +Which way t' encounter, or surprize, 570 +And, after long consideration, +Have found out one to fit th' occasion; +Most apt for what I have to do, +As counsellor and justice too. +And truly so, no doubt, he was, 575 +A lawyer fit for such a case. + +An <z> old dull sot, who told the clock +For many years at Bridewell-dock, +At Westminster, and Hicks's-Hall, +And Hiccius Doctius play'd in all; 580 +Where, in all governments and times, +H' had been both friend and foe to crimes, +And us'd two equal ways of gaining +By hind'ring justice or maintaining; +To many a whore gave priviledge, 585 +And whipp'd for want of quarteridge: +Cart-loads of bawds to prison sent +For b'ing behind a fortnight's rent +And many a trusty pimp and croney +To <a> Puddle-dock for want of money; 590 +Engag'd the constable to seize +All those that would not break the peace, +Nor give him back his own foul words, +Though sometimes Commoners or Lords, +And kept 'em prisoners of course, 595 +For being sober at ill hours; +That in the morning he might free +Or bind 'em over for his fee; +Made <b> monsters fine, and puppet-plays, +For leave to practise in their ways; 600 +Farm'd out all cheats, and went a share +With th' headborough and scavenger; +And made the dirt i' th' streets compound +For taking up the publick ground; +The kennel, and the King's highway, 605 +For being unmolested, pay; +Let out the stocks, and whipping-post, +And cage, to those that gave him most; +Impos'd a tax on bakers' ears, +And for false weights on chandelers; 610 +Made victuallers and vintners fine +For arbitrary ale and wine; +But was a kind and constant friend +To all that regularly offend; +As residentiary bawds, 615 +And brokers that receive stol'n goods; +That cheat in lawful mysteries, +And pay church duties and his fees; +But was implacable, and awkward, +To all that interlop'd and hawker'd. 620 + +To this brave man the Knight repairs +For council in his law-affairs +And found him mounted in his pew, +With books and money plac'd for shew, +Like nest-eggs to make clients lay, 625 +And for his false opinion pay +To whom the knight, with comely grace, +Put off his hat to put his case +Which he as proudly entertain'd +As th' other courteously strain'd; 630 +And, to assure him 't was not that +He look'd for, bid him put on's hat. + +Quoth he, There is one SIDROPHEL, +Whom I have cudgell'd -- Very well. +And now he brags t' have beaten me. -- 635 +Better and better still, quoth he. -- +And vows to stick me to a wall +Where-e'er he meets me -- Best of all. +'Tis true, the knave has taken's oath +That I robb'd him -- Well done, in troth 640 +When h' has confess'd he stole my cloak, +And pick'd my fob, and what he took; +Which was the cause that made me bang him, +And take my goods again -- Marry hang him. +Now whether I should before-hand, 645 +Swear he robb'd me? -- I understand. +Or bring my action of conversion +And trover for my goods? -- Ah, Whoreson! +Or if 'tis better to indite, +And bring him to his trial? -- Right. 650 +Prevent what he designs to do, +And swear for th' State against him? -- True. +Or whether he that is defendant +In this case has the better end on't; +Who, putting in a new cross-bill, 655 +May traverse th' action? -- Better still. +Then there's a Lady too -- Aye, marry +That's easily prov'd accessary; +A widow, who, by solemn vows +Contracted to me for my spouse, 660 +Combin'd with him to break her word, +And has abetted all. -- Good Lord +Suborn'd th' aforesaid SIDROPHEL +To tamper with the Dev'l of Hell; +Who put m' into a horrid fear, 665 +Fear of my life. -- Make that appear. +Made an assault with fiends and men +Upon my body. -- Good agen, +And kept me in a deadly fright, +And false imprisonment, all night 670 +Mean while they robb'd me, and my horse, +And stole my saddle. -- Worse and worse. +And made me mount upon the bare ridge, +T' avoid a wretcheder miscarriage. + +Sir, quoth the Lawyer, not to flatter ye, 675 +You have as good and fair a battery +As heart can wish, and need not shame +The proudest man alive to claim. +For if th' have us'd you as you say; +Marry, quoth I, God give you joy. 680 +I wou'd it were my case, I'd give +More than I'll say, or you'll believe. +I would so trounce her, and her purse; +I'd make her kneel for better or worse; +For matrimony and hanging here 685 +Both go by destiny so clear, +That you as sure may pick and choose, +As Cross, I win; and, Pile, you lose; +And, if I durst, I would advance +As much in ready maintenance, 690 +As upon any case I've known, +But we that practise dare not own. +The law severely contrabands +Our taking bus'ness off men's hands; +'Tis common barratry, that bears 695 +Point-blank an action 'gainst our ears +And crops them till there is not leather +To stick a pin in left of either; +For which some do the Summer-sault, +And o'er the bar, like tumblers, vault, 700 +But you may swear, at any rate, +Things not in nature, for the State; +For in all courts of justice here +A witness is not said to swear, +But make oath; that is, in plain terms, 705 +To forge whatever he affirms. + +(I thank you, quoth the Knight, for that, +Because 'tis to my purpose pat -- ) +For Justice, though she's painted blind, +Is to the weaker Side inclin'd, 710 +Like Charity; else right and wrong +Could never hold it out so long, +And, like blind Fortune, with a slight +Convey mens' interest and right +From <c> Stiles's pocket into Nokes's, 715 +As easily as Hocus Pocus; +Play fast and loose; make men obnoxious, +And clear again, like Hiccius Doctius. +Then whether you wou'd take her life, +Or but recover her for your wife, 720 +Or be content with what she has, +And let all other matters pass, +The bus'ness to the law's alone, +The proof is all it looks upon: +And you can want no witnesses 725 +To swear to any thing you please, +That hardly get their mere expences +By th' labour of their consciences; +Or letting out to hire their ears +To affidavit customers, 730 +At inconsiderable values, +To serve for jury-men or tallies, +Although retain'd in th' hardest matters, +Of trustees and administrators. + +For that, quoth he, let me alone; 735 +W' have store of such, and all our own; +Bred up and tutor'd by our teachers, + +The ablest of conscience-stretchers. +That's well, quoth he; but I should guess, +By weighing all advantages, 740 +Your surest way is first to pitch +On <d> BONGEY for a water-witch; +And when y' have hang'd the conjurer, +Y' have time enough to deal with her. +In th' int'rim, spare for no trepans 745 +To draw her neck into the bans +Ply her with love-letters and billets, +And bait 'em well, for quirks and quillets +With trains t' inveigle, and surprize, +Her heedless answers and replies; 750 +And if she miss the mouse-trap lines, +They'll serve for other by-designs; +And make an artist understand +To copy out her seal or hand; +Or find void places in the paper 755 +To steal in something to intrap her +Till, with her worldly goods and body, +Spight of her heart, she has endow'd ye, +Retain all sorts of witnesses, +That ply i' th' Temple under trees; 760 +Or walk the round, with knights o' th' posts, +About the cross-legg'd knights, their hosts; +Or wait for customers between +The pillars-rows in Lincoln's-Inn +Where vouchers, forgers, common-bail, 765 +And affidavit-men, ne'er fail +T' expose to sale all sorts of oaths, +According to their ears and cloaths, +Their only necessary tools, +Besides the Gospel and their souls; 770 +And when y' are furnish'd with all purveys, +I shall be ready at your service. + +I would not give, quoth HUDIBRAS, +A straw to understand a case, +Without the admirable skill 775 +To wind and manage it at will; +To vere, and tack, and steer a cause +Against the weather-gage of laws; +And ring the changes upon cases +As plain as noses upon faces, 780 +As you have well instructed me, +For which you've earn'd (here 'tis) your fee. +I long to practise your advice, +And try the subtle artifice; +To bait a letter, as you bid; 785 +As not long after, thus he did +For having pump'd up all his wit, +And humm'd upon it, thus he writ. + + +NOTES TO PART III CANTO III. + + +8 q Than Hags with all their Imps and Teats.] Alluding to the +vulgar opinion, that witches have their imps, or familiar spirits, +that are employed in their diabolical practices, and suck private +teats they have about them. + +15 r As Rosi-crucian Virtuosos, &c.] The Rosicrusians were a +sect that appeared in Germany in the beginning of the XVIIth +age. They are also called the Enlightened, Immortal, and +Invisible. They are a very enthusiastical sort of men, and hold +many wild and extravagant opinions. + +36 s From Marshal Legion's Regiment.] He used to preach, as if +they might expect legions to drop down from heaven, for the +propagation of the good Old Cause. + +145 t More plainly than the Reverend Writer, &c.] A most +Reverend Prelate, A. B. of Y. who sided with the disaffected +party. + +261 u If the Ancients crown'd their bravest Men, &c.] The +Romans highly honoured, and nobly rewarded, those persons +that were instrumental in the preservation of the lives of their +citizens, either in battle or otherwise + +305 w Or else their Sultan Populaces, &c.] The Author +compares the arbitrary actings of the ungovernable mob to the +Sultan or Grand Signior, who very seldom fails to sacrifice any +of his chief commanders, called Bassas, if they prove +unsuccessful in battle. + +350 x As the ancient Mice attack'd the Frogs.) Homer wrote a +poem of the War between the Mice and the Frogs. + +383 y And stout Rinaldo gain'd his Bride, &c.] A story in Tasso, +an Italian Poet, of a hero that gained his mistress by conquering +her party. + +577 z An old dull Sot, who told the Clock, &c.] Prideux, a +justice of peace, a very pragmatical busy person in those times, +and a mercenary and cruel magistrate, infamous for the +following methods of getting of money among many others. + +589 a And many a trusty Pimp and Croney, &c.] There was a +gaol for puny offenders. + +599 b Made Monsters fine, and Puppet-plays, &c.] He extorted +money from those that kept shows. + +715 c From Stiles's Pocket into Nokes's, &c.] John a Nokes, and +John a Stiles, are two fictitious names made use of in stating +cases of law only. + +742 d On BONGEY for a Water Witch.] Bongey was a +Franciscan, and lived towards the end of the thirteenth century, +a doctor of divinity in Oxford; and a particular acquaintance of +Friar Bacon's. In that ignorant age, every thing that seemed +extraordinary was reputed magick; and so both Bacon and +Bongey went under the imputation of studying the black-art. +Bongey also, publishing a treatise of Natural Magick, confirmed +some well-meaning credulous people in this opinion; but it was +altogether groundless; for Bongey was chosen provincial of his +order, being a person of most excellent parts and piety. + + + +AN HEROICAL EPISTLE OF HUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY. + + +I who was once as great as CAESAR, +Am now reduc'd to NEBUCHADNEZZAR; +And from as fam'd a conqueror +As ever took degree in war, +Or did his exercise in battle, 5 +By you turn'd out to grass with cattle: +For since I am deny'd access +To all my earthly happiness +Am fallen from the paradise +Of your good graces, and fair eyes; 10 +Lost to the world, and you, I'm sent +To everlasting banishment; +Where all the hopes I had t' have won +Your heart, b'ing dash'd, will break my own. + +Yet if you were not so severe 15 +To pass your doom before you hear, +You'd find, upon my just defence, +How much y' have wrong'd my innocence. +That once I made a vow to you, +Which yet is unperformed, 'tis true: 20 +But not because it is unpaid, +'Tis violated, though delay'd; +Or, if it were, it is no fau't, +So heinous as you'd have it thought; +To undergo the loss of ears, 25 +Like vulgar hackney perjurers +For there's a diff'rence in the case, +Between the noble and the base, +Who always are observ'd t' have done't +Upon as different an account: 30 +The one for great and weighty cause, +To salve in honour ugly flaws; +For none are like to do it sooner +Than those who are nicest of their honour: +The other, for base gain and pay, 35 +Forswear, and perjure by the day; +And make th' exposing and retailing +Their souls and consciences a calling. + +It is no scandal, nor aspersion, +Upon a great and noble person, 40 +To say he nat'rally abhorr'd +Th' old-fashion'd trick, To keep his word; +Though 'tis perfidiousness and shame +In meaner men to do the same: +For to be able to forget, 45 +Is found more useful to the great, +Than gout, or deafness, or bad eyes, +To make 'em pass for wond'rous wise. +But though the law on perjurers +Inflicts the forfeiture of ears, 50 +It is not just that does exempt +The guilty, and punish th' innocent; +To make the ears repair the wrong +Committed by th' ungovern'd tongue; +And when one member is forsworn, 55 +Another to be cropt or torn. +And if you shou'd, as you design, +By course of law, recover mine, +You're like, if you consider right, +To gain but little honour by't. 60 +For he that for his lady's sake +Lays down his life or limbs at stake, +Does not so much deserve her favour, +As he that pawns his soul to have her, +This y' have acknowledg'd I have done, 65 +Although you now disdain to own; +But sentence what you rather ought +T' esteem good service than a fau't. +Besides, oaths are not bound to bear +That literal sense the words infer, 70 +But, by the practice of the age, +Are to be judg'd how far th' engage; +And, where the sense by custom's checkt, +Are found void, and of none effect. +For no man takes or keeps a vow 75 +But just as he sees others do; +Nor are th' oblig'd to be so brittle, +As not to yield and bow a little: +For as best-temper'd blades are found, +Before they break, to bend quite round, 80 +So truest oaths are still most tough, +And though they bow, are breaking proof. +Then wherefore should they not b' allow'd +In love a greater latitude? +For as the law of arms approves 85 +All ways to conquest, so should love's; +And not be ty'd to true or false, +But make that justest that prevails +For how can that which is above +All empire, high and mighty love, 90 +Submit its great prerogative +To any other power alive? +Shall love, that to no crown gives place, +Become the subject of a case? +The fundamental law of nature, 95 +Be over-rul'd by those made after? +Commit the censure of its cause +To any but its own great laws? +Love, that's the world's preservative, 100 +That keeps all souls of things alive; +Controuls the mighty pow'r of fate, +And gives mankind a longer date; +The life of nature, that restores +As fast as time and death devours; +To whose free-gift the world does owe, 105 +Not only earth, but heaven too; +For love's the only trade that's driven, +The interest of state in heav'n, +Which nothing but the soul of man +Is capable to entertain. 110 +For what can earth produce, but love +To represent the joys above? +Or who but lovers can converse, +Like angels, by <e> the eye-discourse? +Address and compliment by vision; 115 +Make love and court by intuition? +And burn in amorous flames as fierce +As those celestial ministers? +Then how can any thing offend, +In order to so great an end? 120 +Or heav'n itself a sin <f> resent, +That for its own supply was meant? +That merits, in a kind mistake, +A pardon for th' offence's sake. +Or if it did not, but the cause 125 +Were left to th' injury at laws, +What tyranny can disapprove +There should be equity in love; +For laws that are inanimate, +And feel no sense of love or hate, 130 +That have no passion of their own, +Nor pity to be wrought upon, +Are only proper to inflict +Revenge on criminals as strict +But to have power to forgive, 135 +Is empire and prerogative; +And 'tis in crowns a nobler gem +To grant a pardon than condemn. +Then since so few do what they ought, +'Tis great t' indulge a well-meant fau't. 140 +For why should he who made address, +All humble ways, without success, +And met with nothing, in return, +But insolence, affronts, and scorn, +Not strive by wit to countermine, 145 +And bravely carry his design? +He who was us'd so unlike a soldier, +Blown up with philters of love-powder? +And after letting blood, and purging, +Condemn'd to voluntary scourging; 150 +Alarm'd with many a horrid fright, +And claw'd by goblins in the night; +Insulted on, revil'd, and jeer'd, +With rude invasion of his beard; +And when your sex was foully scandal'd, 155 +As foully by the rabble handled; +Attack'd by despicable foes, +And drub'd with mean and vulgar blows; +And, after all, to be debarr'd +So much as standing on his guard; 160 +When horses, being spurr'd and prick'd, +Have leave to kick for being kick'd? + +Or why should you, whose mother-wits +Are furnish'd with all perquisites, +That with your breeding-teeth begin, 165 +And nursing babies, that lie in, +B' allow'd to put all tricks upon +Our cully sex, and we use none? +We, who have nothing but frail vows +Against your stratagems t' oppose; 170 +Or oaths more feeble than your own, +By which we are no less put down? +You wound, like <g> Parthians, while you fly, +And kill with a retreating eye: +Retire the more, the more we press 175 +To draw us into ambushes. +As pirates all false colours wear +T' intrap th' unwary mariner, +So women, to surprise us, spread +The borrow'd flags of white and red; 180 +Display 'em thicker on their cheeks +Than their old grandmothers, the Picts; +And raise more devils with their looks, +Than conjurer's less subtle books; +Lay trains of amorous intrigues, 185 +In tow'rs, and curls, and perriwigs, +With greater art and cunning rear'd, +Than <h> PHILIP NYE's thanksgiving beard, +Prepost'rously t' entice, and gain +Those to adore 'em they disdain; 190 +And only draw 'em in, to clog +With idle names a catalogue. + +A lover is, the more he's brave, +T' his mistress but the more a slave; +And whatsoever she commands, 195 +Becomes a favour from her hands; +Which he's obliged t' obey, and must, +Whether it be unjust or just. +Then when he is compell'd by her +T' adventures he would else forbear, 200 +Who with his honour can withstand, +Since force is greater than command? +And when necessity's obey'd, +Nothing can be unjust or bad +And therefore when the mighty pow'rs 205 +Of love, our great ally and yours, +Join'd forces not to be withstood +By frail enamour'd flesh and blood, +All I have done, unjust or ill, +Was in obedience to your will; 210 +And all the blame that can be due, +Falls to your cruelty and you. +Nor are those scandals I confest, +Against my will and interest, +More than is daily done of course 215 +By all men, when they're under force; +When some upon the rack confess +What th' hangman and their prompters please; +But are no sooner out of pain, +Than they deny it all again. 220 +But when the Devil turns confessor, +Truth is a crime he takes no pleasure +To hear, or pardon, like the founder +Of liars, whom they all claim under +And therefore, when I told him none, 225 +I think it was the wiser done. +Nor am I without precedent, +The first that on th' adventure went +All mankind ever did of course, +And daily dues the same, or worse. 230 +For what romance can show a lover, +That had a lady to recover, +And did not steer a nearer course, +To fall a-board on his amours? +And what at first was held a crime, 235 +Has turn'd to honourable in time. + +To what a height did <i> infant ROME, +By ravishing of women, come +When men upon their spouses seiz'd, +And freely marry'd where they pleas'd, 240 +They ne'er forswore themselves, nor ly'd. +Nor, in the mind they were in, dy'd; +Nor took the pains t' address and sue, +Nor play'd the masquerade to woo; +Disdain'd to stay for friends' consents; 245 +Nor juggled about settlements: +Did need no license, nor no priest, +Nor friends, nor kindred, to assist; +Nor lawyers, to join land and money +In th' holy state of matrimony, 250 +Before they settled hands and hearts, +Till <k> alimony or death them parts: +Nor wou'd endure to stay until +Th' had got the very bride's good will; +But took a wise and shorter course 255 +To win the ladies, downright force. +And justly made 'em prisoners then, +As they have often since, us men, +With acting plays, and dancing jigs, +The luckiest of all love's intrigues; 260 +And when they had them at their pleasure, +Then talk'd of love and flames at leisure; +For after matrimony's over, +He that holds out but half a lover, +Deserves for ev'ry minute more 265 +Than half a year of love before; +For which the dames in contemplation +Of that best way of application, +Prov'd nobler wives than e'er was known, +By suit or treaty to be won; 270 +And such as all posterity +Cou'd never equal nor come nigh. + +For women first were made for men, +Not men for them. -- It follows, then, +That men have right to ev'ry one, 275 +And they no freedom of their own +And therefore men have pow'r to chuse, +But they no charter to refuse. +Hence 'tis apparent, that what course +Soe'er we take to your amours, 280 +Though by the indirectest way, +'Tis no injustice, nor foul play; +And that you ought to take that course, +As we take you, for better or worse; +And gratefully submit to those 285 +Who you, before another, chose. +For why should ev'ry savage beast +Exceed his great lord's interest? +Have freer pow'r than he in grace, +And nature, o'er the creature has? 290 +Because the laws he since has made +Have cut off all the pow'r he had; +Retrench'd the absolute dominion +That nature gave him over women; +When all his pow'r will not extend 295 +One law of nature to suspend; +And but to offer to repeal +The smallest clause, is to rebel. +This, if men rightly understood +Their privilege, they wou'd make good; 300 +And not, like sots, permit their wives +T' encroach on their prerogatives; +For which sin they deserve to be +Kept, as they are, in slavery: +And this some precious Gifted Teachers, 305 +Unrev'rently reputed leachers, +And disobey'd in making love, +Have vow'd to all the world to prove, +And make ye suffer, as you ought, +For that uncharitable fau't. 310 +But I forget myself, and rove +Beyond th' instructions of my love. + +Forgive me (Fair) and only blame +Th' extravagancy of my flame, +Since 'tis too much at once to show 315 +Excess of love and temper too. +All I have said that's bad and true, +Was never meant to aim at you, +Who have so sov'reign a controul +O'er that poor slave of yours, my soul, 320 +That, rather than to forfeit you, +Has ventur'd loss of heaven too: +Both with an equal pow'r possest, +To render all that serve you blest: +But none like him, who's destin'd either 325 +To have, or lose you, both together. +And if you'll but this fault release +(For so it must be, since you please) +I'll pay down all that vow, and more, +Which you commanded, and I swore, 330 +And expiate upon my skin +Th' arrears in full of all my sin. +For 'tis but just that I should pay +Th' accruing penance for delay, +Which shall be done, until it move 335 +Your equal pity and your love. + +The Knight, perusing this Epistle, +Believ'd h' had brought her to his whistle; +And read it like a jocund lover, +With great applause t' himself, twice over; 340 +Subscrib'd his name, but at a fit +And humble distance to his wit; +And dated it with wond'rous art, +Giv'n from the bottom of his heart; +Then seal'd it with his Coat of Love, 345 +A smoaking faggot -- and above, +Upon a scroll -- I burn, and weep; +And near it -- For her Ladyship; +Of all her sex most excellent, +These to her gentle hands present. 350 +Then gave it to his faithful Squire, +With lessons how t' observe and eye her. + +She first consider'd which was better, +To send it back, or burn the letter. +But guessing that it might import, 355 +Though nothing else, at least her sport, +She open'd it, and read it out, +With many a smile and leering flout: +Resolv'd to answer it in kind, +And thus perform'd what she design'd. 360 + + + +NOTES ON HUDIBRAS's EPISTLE TO HIS LADY. + + +113 e Or who but Lovers can converse, &c.] Metaphysicians are +of opinion, that angels and souls departed, being divested of all +gross matter, understand each other's sentiments by intuition, +and consequently maintain a sort of conversation without the +organs of speech. + +121 f Or Heav'n itself a Sin resent, &c.] In regard children are +capable of being inhabitants of Heaven, therefore it should not +resent it as a crime to supply store of inhabitants for it. + +173 g You wound like Parthians while you fly, &c.] Parthians +are the inhabitants of a province in Persia: They were excellent +horsemen, and very exquisite at their bows; and it is reported of +them, that they generally slew more on their retreat than they +did in the engagement. + +188 h Than Philip Nye's Thanksgiving Beard ] One of the +Assembly of Divines, very remarkable for the singularity of his +beard. + +237 i To what a Height did Infant Rome, &c.] When Romulus +had built Rome, he made it an asylum, or place of refuge, for all +malefactors, and others obnoxious to the laws to retire to; by +which means it soon came to be very populous; but when he +began to consider, that, without propagation, it would soon be +destitute of inhabitants, he invented several fine shows, and +invited the young Sabine women, then neighbours to them; and +when they had them secure, they ravished them; from whence +proceeded so numerous an offspring. + +252 k Till Alimony or Death them parts.] Alimony is an +allowance that the law gives the woman for her separate +maintenance upon living from her husband. That and death are +reckoned the only separations in a married state. + + + +THE LADY'S ANSWER TO THE KNIGHT. + + +THAT you're a beast, and turn'd to grass, +Is no strange news, nor ever was; +At least to me, who once you know, +Did from the pound replevin you, +When both your sword and spurs were won 5 +In combat by an Amazon. +That sword, that did (like Fate) determine +Th' inevitable death of vermine, +And never dealt its furious blows, +But cut the throats of pigs and cows, 10 +By TRULLA was, in single fight, +Disarm'd and wrested from its knight; +Your heels degraded of your spurs, +And in the stocks close prisoners; +Where still they'd lain, in base restraint, 15 +If I, in pity of your complaint, +Had not on honourable conditions, +Releast 'em from the worst of prisons +And what return that favour met +You cannot (though you wou'd) forget; 20 +When, being free, you strove t' evade +The oaths you had in prison made; +Forswore yourself; and first deny'd it, +But after own'd and justify'd it +And when y' had falsely broke one vow, 25 +Absolv'd yourself by breaking two. +For while you sneakingly submit, +And beg for pardon at our feet, +Discourag'd by your guilty fears, +To hope for quarter for your ears, 30 +And doubting 'twas in vain to sue, +You claim us boldly as your due; +Declare that treachery and force, +To deal with us, is th' only course; +We have no title nor pretence 35 +To body, soul, or conscience; +But ought to fall to that man's share +That claims us for his proper ware. +These are the motives which, t' induce +Or fright us into love, you use. 40 +A pretty new way of gallanting, +Between soliciting and ranting; +Like sturdy beggars, that intreat +For charity at once, and threat. +But since you undertake to prove 45 +Your own propriety in love, +As if we were but lawful prize +In war between two enemies, +Or forfeitures, which ev'ry lover, +That wou'd but sue for, might recover, 50 +It is not hard to understand +The myst'ry of this bold demand, +That cannot at our persons aim, +But something capable of claim. + +'Tis not those paultry counterfeit 55 +French stones, which in our eyes you set, +But our right diamonds, that inspire +And set your am'rous hearts on fire. +Nor can those false St. Martin's beads, +Which on our lips you lay for reds, 60 +And make us wear, like Indian dames, +Add fuel to your scorching flames; +But those true rubies of the rock, +Which in our cabinets we lock. +'Tis not those orient pearls our teeth, 65 +That you are so transported with; +But those we wear about our necks, +Produce those amorous effects. +Nor is't those threads of gold, our hair, +The periwigs you make us wear, 70 +But those bright guineas in our chests, +That light the wild fire in your breasts. +These love-tricks I've been vers'd in so, +That all their sly intrigues I know, +And can unriddle, by their tones, 75 +Their mystick cabals and jargones; +Can tell what passions, by their sounds, +Pine for the beauties of my grounds; +What raptures fond and amorous +O' th' charms and graces of my house; 80 +What extasy and scorching flame, +Burns for my money in my name; +What from th' unnatural desire +To beasts and cattle takes its fire; +What tender sigh, and trickling tear, 85 +Longs for a thousand pounds a year; +And languishing transports are fond +Of statute, mortgage, bill, and bond. + +These are th' attracts which most men fall +Inamour'd, at first sight, withal 90 +To these th' address with serenades, +And court with balls and masquerades; +And yet, for all the yearning pain +Y' have suffer'd for their loves in vain, +I fear they'll prove so nice and coy 95 +To have, and t' hold and to enjoy +That all your oaths and labour lost, +They'll ne'er turn ladies of the post. +This is not meant to disapprove +Your judgment in your choice of love; 100 +Which is so wise, the greatest part +Of mankind study 't as an art; +For love shou'd, like a deodand, +Still fall to th' owner of the land; +And where there's substance for its ground, 105 +Cannot but be more firm and sound +Than that which has the slightest basis +Of airy virtue, wit, and graces; +Which is of such thin subtlety, +It steals and creeps in at the eye, 110 +And, as it can't endure to stay, +Steals out again as nice a way. + +But love, that its extraction owns +From solid gold and precious stones +Must, like its shining parents, prove 115 +As solid and as glorious love. +Hence 'tis you have no way t'express +Our charms and graces but by these: +For what are lips, and eyes, and teeth, +Which beauty invades and conquers with, 120 +But rubies, pearls, and diamonds, +With which a philter-love commands? + +This is the way all parents prove, +In managing their childrens' love; +That force 'em t' intermarry and wed, 125 +As if th' were bur'ing of the dead; +Cast earth to earth, as in the grave, +To join in wedlock all they have: +And when the settlement's in force, +Take all the rest for better or worse; 130 +For money has a power above +The stars and fate to manage love; +Whose arrows, learned poets hold, +That never miss, are tipp'd with gold. +And though some say, the parents' claims 135 +To make love in their childrens' names, +Who many times at once provide +The nurse, the husband, and the bride +Feel darts and charms, attracts and flames, +And woo and contract in their names; 140 +And as they christen, use to marry 'em, +And, like their gossips, answer for 'em; +Is not to give in matrimony, +But sell and prostitute for money; +'Tis better than their own betrothing, 145 +Who often do't for worse than nothing; +And when th' are at their own dispose, +With greater disadvantage choose. +All this is right; but for the course +You take to do't, by fraud or force, 150 +'Tis so ridiculous, as soon +As told, 'tis never to be done; +No more than setters can betray, +That tell what tricks they are to play. +Marriage, at best, is but a vow, 155 +Which all men either break or bow: +Then what will those forbear to do, +Who perjure when they do but woo? +Such as before-hand swear and lie +For earnest to their treachery; 160 +And, rather than a crime confess, +With greater strive to make it less; +Like thieves, who, after sentence past, +Maintain their innocence to the last; +And when their crimes were made appear 165 +As plain as witnesses can swear, +Yet, when the wretches come to die, +Will take upon their death a lie, +Nor are the virtues you confest +T' your ghostly father, as you guest, 170 +So slight as to be justify'd +By being as shamefully deny'd, +As if you thought your word would pass +Point-blank on both sides of a case; +Or credit were not to be lost 175 +B' a brave Knight-Errant of the Post, +That eats perfidiously his word, +And swears his ears through a two inch board: +Can own the same thing, and disown, +And perjure booty, Pro and Con: 180 +Can make the Gospel serve his turn, +And help him out, to be forsworn; +When 'tis laid hands upon, and kist, +To be betray'd and sold like Christ. +These are the virtues in whose name 185 +A right to all the world you claim, +And boldly challenge a dominion, +In grace and nature, o'er all women; +Of whom no less will satisfy +Than all the sex your tyranny, 190 +Although you'll find it a hard province, +With all your crafty frauds and covins, +To govern such a num'rous crew, +Who, one by one, now govern you: +For if you all were SOLOMONS, 195 +And wise and great as he was once, +You'll find they're able to subdue +(As they did him) and baffle you. + +And if you are impos'd upon +'Tis by your own temptation done, 200 +That with your ignorance invite; +And teach us how to use the slight. +For when we find y' are still more taken +With false attracts of our own making; +Swear that's a rose, and that a stone, 205 +Like sots, to us that laid it on, +And what we did but slightly prime, +Most ignorantly daub in rhime; +You force us, in our own defences, +To copy beams and influences; 210 +To lay perfections on the graces, +And draw attracts upon our faces; +And, in compliance to your wit, +Your own false jewels counterfeit. +For, by the practice of those arts 215 +We gain a greater share of hearts; +And those deserve in reason most +That greatest pains and study cost; +For great perfections are, like heaven, +Too rich a present to be given. 220 +Nor are these master-strokes of beauty +To be perform'd without hard duty, +Which, when they're nobly done and well, +The simple natural excell. +How fair and sweet the planted rose 225 +Beyond the wild in hedges grows! +For without art the noblest seeds +Of flow'rs degen'rate into weeds. +How dull and rugged, e're 'tis ground +And polish'd, looks a diamond! 230 +Though Paradise were e'er so fair, +It was not kept so without care. +The whole world, without art and dress, +Would be but one great wilderness; +And mankind but a savage herd, 235 +For all that nature has conferr'd. +This does but rough-hew, and design; +Leaves art to polish and refine. +Though women first were made for men, +Yet men were made for them agen; 240 +For when (outwitted by his wife) +Man first turn'd tenant but for life, +If women had not interven'd, +How soon had mankind had an end! +And that it is in being yet, 245 +To us alone you are in debt. +And where's your liberty of choice, +And our unnatural No Voice? +Since all the privilege you boast, +And falsly usurp'd, or vainly lost, 250 +Is now our right; to whose creation +You owe your happy restoration: +And if we had not weighty cause +To not appear, in making laws, +We could, in spite of all your tricks, 255 +And shallow, formal politicks, +Force you our managements t' obey, +As we to yours (in shew) give way. +Hence 'tis that, while you vainly strive +T' advance your high prerogative, 260 +You basely, after all your braves, +Submit, and own yourselves our slaves; +And 'cause we do not make it known, +Nor publickly our int'rest own, +Like sots, suppose we have no shares 265 +In ord'ring you and your affairs; +When all your empire and command +You have from us at second hand +As if a pilot, that appears +To sit still only while he steers, 270 +And does not make a noise and stir +Like ev'ry common mariner, +Knew nothing of the card, nor star, +And did not guide the man of war; +Nor we, because we don't appear 275 +In councils, do not govern there; +While, like the mighty <m> PRESTER JOHN, +Whose person none dares look upon, +But is preserv'd in close disguise, +From being made cheap to vulgar eyes, 280 +W' enjoy as large a pow'r unseen, +To govern him, as he does men; +And in the right of our Pope JOAN, +Make Emp'rors at our feet fall down; +Or <n> JOAN DE PUCEL'S braver name, 285 +Our right to arms and conduct claim; +Who, though a Spinster, yet was able +To serve FRANCE for a Grand Constable. + +We make and execute all laws; +Can judge the judges and the cause; 290 +Prescribe all rules of right or wrong +To th' long robe, and the longer tongue; +'Gainst which the world has no defence; +But our more pow'rful eloquence. +We manage things of greatest weight 295 +In all the world's affairs of state +Are ministers of war and peace, +That sway all nations how we please. +We rule all churches and their flocks, +Heretical and orthodox; 300 +And are the heavenly vehicles +O' th' spirits in all conventicles. +By us is all commerce and trade +Improv'd, and manag'd, and decay'd; +For nothing can go off so well, 305 +Nor bears that price, as what we sell. +We rule in ev'ry publique meeting, +And make men do what we judge fitting; +Are magistrates in all great towns, +Where men do nothing but wear gowns. 310 +We make the man of war strike sail, +And to our braver conduct veil, +And, when h' has chac'd his enemies, +Submit to us upon his knees. +Is there an officer of state 315 +Untimely rais'd, or magistrate, +That's haughty and imperious? +He's but a journeyman to us. +That as he gives us cause to do't, +Can keep him in, or turn him out. 320 + +We are your guardians, that increase +Or waste your fortunes how we please; +And, as you humour us, can deal +In all your matters, ill or well. + +'Tis we that can dispose alone, 325 +Whether your heirs shall be your own, +To whose integrity you must, +In spight of all your caution, trust; +And, 'less you fly beyond the seas, +Can fit you with what heirs we please; 330 +And force you t' own 'em, though begotten +By French Valets or Irish Footmen. +Nor can the vigorousest course +Prevail, unless to make us worse; +Who still, the harsher we are us'd, 335 +Are further off from b'ing reduc'd; +And scorn t' abate, for any ills, +The least punctilios of our wills. +Force does but whet our wits t' apply +Arts, born with us, for remedy; 340 +Which all your politicks, as yet, +Have ne'er been able to defeat: +For when y' have try'd all sorts of ways, +What fools d' we make of you in plays! +While all the favours we afford, 345 +Are but to girt you with the sword, +To fight our battles in our steads, +And have your brains beat out o' your heads; +Encounter, in despite of nature, +And fight at once, with fire and water, 350 +With pirates, rocks, and storms, and seas, +Our pride and vanity t' appease; +Kill one another, and cut throats, +For our good graces, and best thoughts; +To do your exercise for honour, 355 +And have your brains beat out the sooner; +Or crack'd, as learnedly, upon +Things that are never to be known; +And still appear the more industrious, +The more your projects are prepost'rous; 360 +To square the circle of the arts, +And run stark mad to shew your parts; +Expound the oracle of laws, +And turn them which way we see cause +Be our solicitors and agents, 365 +And stand for us in all engagements. + +And these are all the mighty pow'rs +You vainly boast to cry down ours; +And what in real value's wanting, +Supply with vapouring and ranting; 370 +Because yourselves are terrify'd, +And stoop to one another's pride, +Believe we have as little wit +To be out-hector'd, and submit; +By your example, lose that right 375 +In treaties which we gain'd in fight; +And, terrify'd into an awe, +Pass on ourselves a <o> Salique law: + +Or, as some nations use, give place, +And truckle to your mighty race; 380 +Let men usurp th' unjust dominion, +As if they were the better women. + + + +NOTES ON THE LADY's ANSWER TO THE KNIGHT. + +133 l Whose Arrows learned Poets hold, &c.] The poets feign +Cupid to have two sorts of arrows; the one tipped with gold, and +the other with lead. The golden always inspire and inflame love +in the persons he wounds with them: but, on the contrary, the +leaden create the utmost aversion and hatred. With the first of +these he shot Apollo, and with the other Daphne, according to +Ovid. + +277 m While, like the mighty Prester John, &c.] Prester John, +an absolute prince, emperor of Abyssinia or Ethiopia. One of +them is reported to have had seventy kings for his vassals, and +so superb and arrogant, that none durst look upon him without +his permission. + +285 Or Joan de Pucel's braver Name.] Joan of Arc, called also +the Pucelle, or Maid of Orleans. She was born at the town of +Damremi, on the Meuse, daughter of James de Arc, and Isabella +Romee; and was bred, up a shepherdess in the country. At the +age of eighteen or twenty she pretended to an express +commission from God to go to the relief of Orleans, then +besieged by the English, and defended by John Compte de +Dennis, and almost reduced to the last extremity. She went to +the coronation of Charles the Seventh, when he was almost +ruined. She knew that prince in the midst of his nobles; though +meanly habited. The doctors of divinity, and members of +parliament, openly declared that there was some thing +supernatural in her conduct. She sent for a sword, which lay in +the tomb of a knight, which was behind the great altar of the +church of St. Katharine de Forbois, upon the blade of which the +cross and flower-de-luces were engraven, which put the king in +a very great surprise, in regard none besides himself knew of it. +Upon this he sent her with the command of some troops, with +which she relieved Orleans, and drove the English from it, +defeated Talbot at the battle of Pattai, and recovered +Champagne. At last she was unfortunately taken prisoner in a +sally at Champagne in 1430, and tried for a witch or sorceress, +condemned, and burnt in Rouen market-place in May 1430. + +378 o Pass on ourselves a Salique Law.] The Salique Law is a +law in France, whereby it is enacted, that no female shall inherit +that crown. + + + +GLOSSARY + + +Advowtry: Adultery +Animalia: Animals (L.) +Arsie-versie: Upside-down +Aruspicy: Prophesying, fortune-telling +Bachrach: Wine from Bacharach, in Germany +Bavin: A bundle of firewood +Boutefeu: Arsonist or (literal or metaphorical) firebrand +Cacodaemon: An evil Spirit +Caldes'd: Cheated +Calendae: The 1st or 2nd of the month +Calleche: A carriage with two wheels and a folding hood +Camelion: A giraffe +Camisado: An attack by night, during which the attackers wore +shirts over their armour so they could recognise one another +Cane & Angue pejus: Worse than a dog or a snake (L.) +Caperdewsie: The stocks +Capoch'd: Pulled off the hoods +Caprich: A caprice +Carbonading: Thrashing, beating +Carroch: A stately or luxurious carriage +Catasta: The stocks +Cawdie: A military cadet +Cawdle: Soup or gruel +Ceruse: White lead used as a cosmetic +Champaign: Champagne wine +Champain: Countryside +Chous'd, choust, chows'd: Cheated +Chowse: A cheat's victim +Classis: The elders and pastors of all the Presbyterian +congregations in a district +Coincidere: To come together (L.) +Congees: Bows, curtseys +Conster: Construe, explain +Conventicle: Secret or illegal religious meetings +Covins: Conspiracies +Cucking-stool: A stool to which a malefactor (often an unfaithful +wife) was tied, to be exposed to public ridicule, or ducked in a +pond or river. +Curship: The title of being a cur -- pun on "worship" +Curule: An ivory chair used as a mayor's throne +Deletory: That which wipes out or destroys +Deodand: In English law an article which had caused a man's death +was ordered by the court to be a forfeited as a deodand (Ad Deo +dandum - to be given to God). Before the reformation it or its value +was given to the Church; afterwards to the local landowner. +Dewtry: A stupefying drink made from the Indian thorn-apple +fruit. +Dialectico: A philosophical point of argument +Dictum factum: No sooner said than done (L.) +Disparo: To separate (L.) +Donzel: A young page or squire +Drazel: A slut +Ducatoon: An Italian silver coin, worth about 6 shillings. +Ejusdem generis: Of the same kind (L.) +Enucleate: To explain the meaning of +Ex parte: On behalf of (L.) +Exaun: A religious establishment not under the authority of the +local bishop +Fadging: Fitting +Feme-covert: A woman under the protection of a husband ( a legal +term) +Ferk: Beat, whip +Festina lente: Make haste slowly (L.) +Fingle-fangle: A whimsical or fantastic idea +Fother: A cart-load +Fulhams: Loaded dice +Ganzas: The birds which the hero of a popular romance harnessed +to take him to the moon +Genethliack: A caster of horoscopes +Geomancy: Divination by interpreting the patterns of lines drawn +at random on the ground or on paper. +Gleave: A spear or halberd +Granado: A grenade +Grilly'd: Grilled +Grincam: Syphilis +Guep: Go on! -- said to a horse or as an expression of derision. +Habergeon: A chain-mail shirt +Haut-gousts: Tasty things +Headborough: A constable +Hiccius Doctius: A nonsense word used by jugglers, conjurers etc., +hence, any kind of trick or dishonest dealing +Hight: Called, named +Hoccamore: Wine from Hochheim, in Germany +Horary: Hourly +Huckle: The hip +Hugonots: French Calvinists +Hypocondries: The upper abdomen, between the breastbone and +the navel +Id est: That is (L.) +Idem: The same (L.) +Illation: Inference, deduction +In eodem subjecto: Thrown together in the same place (L.) +In querpo: Naked +Jobbernol(e): A thick head or blockhead +Jure divino: By God's law (L.) +Langued: Heraldic term meaning, with a tongue of a particular +colour e.g. langued gules - with a red tongue +Lathy: Thin, like a lath +Linsey-woolsey : A cloth of mixed wool and linen threads +Linstock: A stick for holding a gunner's match +L'Ombre: A card game +Longees: Lunges +Lustrations: Ceremonials of ritual purification by washing +Mainprize: To stand surety for someone +Manicon: A plant (deadly nightshade) or its extract, believed to +cause insanity when taken +Manto: Mantua, a kind of woman's loose gown +Martlet: A swallow or martin +Mazzard: The head +Meazle: A spot or pustule +Mira de lente: Wonderfully slow (L.) +Mordicus: With the teeth (L.) +Morpion: A crab-louse +Mundungus: Bad tobacco +Nare olfact: Nostril (L.) +Neat (noun): A calf or cow +Negatur: It is denied (L.) +Nimmer: A petty thief +Omnibus nervis: With every sinew (L.) +Oppugn: Attack or fight against +Orcades: The Orkneys +pacquet-male: Large wallet +Padder: A thief +Pari Libra: Equally (L.) +Pathic: Passively homosexual +Pernicion: Total ruin +Petronel: A short carbine or large pistol +Picqueer: Skirmish or quarrel +Pigsney: A term of endearment for a woman, "darling" +Plus satis: More than enough (L.) +Poesie: Poetry +Pullen: Poultry +Punese: A bed-bug +Pursy: Rich +Quarteridge: A tax or payment due quarterly +Quatenus: So far as (it is) (L.) +Quillets: Verbal points or quibbles +Rampiers: Ramparts +Rationalia: Thinking creatures (L.) +Rochet: A bishop's white gown or surplice +Satis: Enough +Sault: Jump +Scire facias: To know the appearance of (L.) +Sedes Stercoraria: Filthier seat (L.) +Seisin: A token of ownership, formally handed over when property +is sold. +Shanker: A venereal sore, chancre +Slubberdegullion: A dirty, slovenly person +Soland geese: Barnacle geese (Branta leucopsis) +Staffier: A footman +Stentrophonick: Loud, as from a megaphone +Stum: A mixture of wine and grape juice +Suggill'd: Beaten severely +Sui juris: Independently (L.) +Swound: A swoon +Synodical: Arising from or of the nature of a synod - a meeting of +bishops etc. of the Anglican Church +Tantundem dat tantidem: So much of that gives so much of this = +they are exactly the same (L.) +Tarsel: A male falcon +Theorbo: A kind of lute with two necks +Totidem verbis: In just as many words (L.) +Trapes: Tripes +Trepan: To trap +Trigon: A set of 3 signs of the Zodiac at 120-degree angles to each +other +Tussis pro crepitu: A cough for a fart (L.) +Velis & remis: By sail and oar (L.) +Veni, Vidi, Vici : I came, I saw, I conquered (L.) +Versal: Universal +Videlicet: That is, viz. (L.) +Vitiligation: Argument, quarrelling +Vizard: A mask or disguise +Welkin: The sky +Whiffler: A ceremonial guard who cleared the way for a mayor or +other official +Whinyard: A short sword +Ycleped: Named +Yerst: Erst, formerly + + +The End of the Project Gutenberg E-text of Hudibras by Samuel Butler. + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, HUDIBRAS *** + +This file should be named 4937.txt or 4937.zip + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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