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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..419c303 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #50310 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/50310) diff --git a/old/50310-8.txt b/old/50310-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index ca4b3e2..0000000 --- a/old/50310-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1916 +0,0 @@ -Project Gutenberg's Mother Goose for Grown-ups, by Guy Wetmore Carryl - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Mother Goose for Grown-ups - -Author: Guy Wetmore Carryl - -Illustrator: Peter Newell - Gustave Verbeek - -Release Date: October 25, 2015 [EBook #50310] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MOTHER GOOSE FOR GROWN-UPS *** - - - - -Produced by Suzanne Shell, Melissa McDaniel, and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) - - - - - - - -Transcriber's Note: - - Inconsistent hyphenation and spelling in the original document have - been preserved. Obvious typographical errors have been corrected. - - Italic text is denoted by _underscores_ - - - - -MOTHER GOOSE FOR GROWN-UPS - - - - - [Illustration: "'WILL YOU TELL ME IF IT'S STRAIGHT?'"] - - - - - MOTHER GOOSE FOR GROWN-UPS - - By GUY WETMORE CARRYL - - With Illustrations by PETER NEWELL and GUSTAVE VERBEEK - - NEW YORK AND LONDON - HARPER & BROTHERS 1900 - - - - - Copyright, 1900, by HARPER & BROTHERS. - - All rights reserved - - - - -TO CONSTANCE - - - In memory of other days, - Dear critic, when your whispered praise - Cheered on the limping pen. - How short, how sweet those younger hours, - How bright our suns, how few our showers, - Alas, we knew not then! - - If but, long leagues across the seas, - The trivial charm of rhymes like these - Shall serve to link us twain - An instant in the olden spell - That once we knew and loved so well, - I have not worked in vain! - - - - -NOTE - - -I have pleasure in acknowledging the courteous permission of the editors -to reprint in this form such of the following verses as were originally -published in _Harper's Magazine_, the _Saturday Evening Post_, and the -_London Sketch_. - - G. W. C. - - - - -CONTENTS - - - PAGE - THE ADMIRABLE ASSERTIVENESS OF JILTED JACK 3 - THE BLATANT BRUTALITY OF LITTLE BOW PEEP 9 - THE COMMENDABLE CASTIGATION OF OLD MOTHER HUBBARD 15 - THE DISCOURAGING DISCOVERY OF LITTLE JACK HORNER 21 - THE EMBARRASSING EPISODE OF LITTLE MISS MUFFET 27 - THE FEARFUL FINALE OF THE IRASCIBLE MOUSE 33 - THE GASTRONOMIC GUILE OF SIMPLE SIMON 39 - THE HARMONIOUS HEEDLESSNESS OF LITTLE BOY BLUE 47 - THE INEXCUSABLE IMPROBITY OF TOM, THE PIPER'S SON 53 - THE JUDICIOUS JUDGMENT OF QUITE CONTRARY MARY 59 - THE LINGUISTIC LANGUOR OF CHARLES AUGUSTUS SPRAGUE 65 - THE MYSTERIOUS MISAPPREHENSION CONCERNING A MAN IN OUR TOWN 71 - THE OPPORTUNE OVERTHROW OF HUMPTY DUMPTY 77 - THE PREPOSTEROUS PERFORMANCE OF AN OLD LADY OF BANBURY 83 - THE QUIXOTIC QUEST OF THREE BLIND MICE 89 - THE REMARKABLE REGIMEN OF THE SPRAT FAMILY 95 - THE SINGULAR SANGFROID OF BABY BUNTING 101 - THE TOUCHING TENDERNESS OF KING KARL THE FIRST 107 - THE UNUSUAL UBIQUITY OF THE INQUISITIVE GANDER 113 - - - - -ILLUSTRATIONS - - - PAGE - "'WILL YOU TELL ME IF IT'S STRAIGHT?'" Frontispiece - "SHE WAS SO CHARMINGLY WATTEAU-LIKE" Facing p. 10 - "NOW SIMON'S TASTES WERE MOST PROFUSE" " 40 - "WHILE BY KICKS HE LOOSENED BRICKS" " 78 - "SHE PLUCKED HIM WITH RELENTLESS FROWN" " 114 - - - - -THE ADMIRABLE ASSERTIVENESS - -OF - -JILTED JACK - - - A noble and a generous mind - Was Jack's; - Folks knew he would not talk behind - Their backs: - But when some maiden fresh and young, - At Jack a bit of banter flung, - She soon discovered that his tongue - Was sharp as any ax. - - A flirt of most engaging wiles - Was Jill; - On Jack she lavished all her smiles, - Until - Her slave (and he was not the first) - Of lovesick swains became the worst, - His glance a strong box might have burst, - His sighs were fit to kill. - - One April morning, clear and fair, - When both - Of staying home and idling there - In sloth - Were weary, Jack remarked to Jill: - "Oh, what's the sense in sitting still? - Let's mount the slope of yonder hill." - And she was nothing loth. - - But as she answered: "What's the use?" - The gruff - Young swain replied: "Oh, there's excuse - Enough. - Your doting parents water lack; - We'll fill a pail and bring it back." - (The reader will perceive that Jack - Was putting up a bluff.) - - Thus hand in hand the tempting hill - They scaled, - And Jack proposed a kiss to Jill, - And failed! - One backward start, one step too bold, - And down the hill the couple rolled, - Resembling, if the truth were told, - A luggage train derailed. - - With eyes ablaze with anger, she - Exclaimed: - "Well, who'd have thought! You'd ought to be - Ashamed! - You quite forget yourself, it's plain, - So I'll forget you, too. Insane - Young man, I'll say _oafweederzane_." - (Her German might be blamed.) - - But Jack, whose linguist's pride was pricked, - To shine, - Asked: "_Meine Königin will nicht_ - Be mine?" - And when she answered: "Nein" in spleen, - He cried: "Then in the soup tureen - You'll stay. You're not the only queen - Discarded for a nein!" - - THE MORAL'S made for maidens young - And small: - If you would in a foreign tongue - Enthrall, - Lead off undaunted in a Swede - Or Spanish speech, and you'll succeed, - But they who in a German lead - No favor win at all. - - - - -THE BLATANT BRUTALITY - -OF - -LITTLE BOW PEEP - - - Though she was only a shepherdess, - Tending the meekest of sheep, - Never was African leopardess - Crosser than Little Bow Peep: - Quite apathetic, impassible - People described her as: "That - Wayward, contentious, irascible, - Testy, cantankerous brat!" - - Yet, as she dozed in a grotto-like - Sort of a kind of a nook, - She was so charmingly Watteau-like, - What with her sheep and her crook; - "She is a dryad or nymph," any - Casual passer would think. - Poets pronounced her a symphony, - All in the palest of pink. - - Thus it was not enigmatical, - That the young shepherd who first - Found her asleep, in ecstatical - Sighs of felicity burst: - Such was his sudden beatitude - That, as he gazed at her so, - Daphnis gave vent to this platitude: - "My! Ain't she elegant though!" - - Roused from some dream of Arcadia, - Little Bow Peep with a start - Answered him: "I ain't afraid o' yer! - P'raps you imagine you're smart!" - Daphnis protested impulsively, - Blushing as red as a rose; - All was in vain. She convulsively - Punched the young man in the nose! - - All of it's true, every word of it! - I was not present to peep, - But if you ask how I heard of it, - Please to remember the sheep. - There is no need of excuse. You will - See how such scandals occur: - If you recall Mother Goose, you will - Know what tail-bearers they were! - - MORAL: This pair irreclaimable - Might have made Seraphim weep, - But who can pick the most blamable? - _Both saw a little beau peep!_ - - - - - [Illustration: "SHE WAS SO CHARMINGLY WATTEAU-LIKE"] - - - - -THE COMMENDABLE CASTIGATION - -OF - -OLD MOTHER HUBBARD - - - She was one of those creatures - Whose features - Are hard beyond any reclaim; - And she loved in a hovel - To grovel, - And she hadn't a cent to her name. - She owned neither gallants - Nor talents; - She borrowed extensively, too, - From all of her dozens - Of cousins, - And never refunded a _sou_: - Yet all they said in abuse of her - Was: "She is prouder than Lucifer!" - (That, I must say, without meaning to blame, - Is always the way with that kind of a dame!) - - There never was jolli- - Er colley - Than Old Mother Hubbard had found, - Though cheaply she bought him, - She'd taught him - To follow her meekly around: - But though she would lick him - And kick him, - It never had any effect; - He always was howling - And growling, - But goodness! What could you expect? - Colleys were never to flourish meant - 'Less they had plenty of nourishment, - All that he had were the feathers she'd pluck - Off an occasional chicken or duck. - - The colley was barred in - The garden, - He howled and he wailed and he whined. - The neighbors indignant, - Malignant - Petitions unanimous signed. - "The nuisance grows nightly," - Politely - They wrote. "It's an odious hound, - And either you'll fill him, - Or kill him, - Or else he must go to the pound. - For if this howling infernally - Is to continue nocturnally-- - Pardon us, ma'am, if we seem to be curt-- - Somebody's apt to get horribly hurt!" - - Mother Hubbard cried loudly - And proudly: - "Lands sakes! but you give yourselves airs! - I'll take the law to you - And sue you." - The neighbors responded: "Who cares? - We none of us care if - The sheriff - Lock every man jack of us up; - We won't be repining - At fining - So long as we're rid of the pup!" - They then proceeded to mount a sign, - Bearing this ominous countersign: - "FREEMEN! THE MOMENT HAS COME TO PROTEST - AND OLD MOTHER HUBBARD DELENDUM EST!" - - They marched to her gateway, - And straightway - They trampled all over her lawn; - Most rudely they harried - And carried - Her round on a rail until dawn. - They marred her, and jarred her, - And tarred her - And feathered her, just as they should, - Of speech they bereft her, - And left her - With: "_Now_ do you think you'll be good!" - - THE MORAL'S a charmingly pleasing one. - While we would deprecate teasing one, - Still, when a dame has politeness rebuffed, - She certainly ought to be collared and cuffed. - - - - -THE DISCOURAGING DISCOVERY - -OF - -LITTLE JACK HORNER - - - A knack almost incredible for dealing with an edible - Jack Horner's elder sister was acknowledged to display; - She labored hard and zealously, but always guarded jealously - The secrets of the dishes she invented every day. - She'd take some indigestible, unpopular comestible, - And to its better nature would so tenderly appeal - That Jack invoked a benison upon a haunch of venison, - When really she was serving him a little leg of veal! - - Jack said she was a miracle. The word was not satirical, - For daily climbing upward, she excelled herself at last: - The acme of facility, the zenith of ability - Was what she gave her brother for his Christmas Day repast. - He dined that evening eagerly and anything but meagerly, - And when he'd had his salad and his quart of Extra Dry, - With sisterly benignity, and just a touch of dignity, - She placed upon the table an unutterable pie! - - Unflagging pertinacity, and technical sagacity, - Long nights of sleepless vigil, and long days of constant care - Had been involved in making it, improving it, and baking it, - Until of other pies it was the wonder and despair: - So princely and so prominent, so solemn, so predominant - It looked upon the table, that, with fascinated eye, - The youth, with sudden wonder struck, electrified, and thunder struck, - Could only stammer stupidly: "Oh Golly! What a pie!" - - In view of his satiety, it almost seemed impiety - To carve this crowning triumph of a culinary life, - But, braced by his avidity, with sudden intrepidity - He broke its dome imposing with a common kitchen knife. - Ah, hideous fatality! for when with eager palate he - Commenced to eat, he happened on an accident uncouth, - And cried with stifled moan: "Of it one plum I tried. The stone of it - Had never been extracted, and I've broke a wisdom tooth!" - - Jack's sister wept effusively, but loudly and abusively - His unreserved opinion of her talents he proclaimed; - He called her names like "driveller" and "simpleton" and "sniveller," - And others, which to mention I am really too ashamed. - THE MORAL: It is saddening, embarrassing, and maddening - A stone to strike in what you thought was paste. One thing alone - Than this mischance is crueller, and that is for a jeweller - To strike but paste in what he fondly thought to be a stone. - - - - -THE EMBARRASSING EPISODE - -OF - -LITTLE MISS MUFFET - - - Little Miss Muffet discovered a tuffet, - (Which never occurred to the rest of us) - And, as 'twas a June day, and just about noonday, - She wanted to eat--like the best of us: - Her diet was whey, and I hasten to say - It is wholesome and people grow fat on it. - The spot being lonely, the lady not only - Discovered the tuffet, but sat on it. - - A rivulet gabbled beside her and babbled, - As rivulets always are thought to do, - And dragon-flies sported around and cavorted, - As poets say dragon-flies ought to do; - When, glancing aside for a moment, she spied - A horrible sight that brought fear to her, - A hideous spider was sitting beside her - And most unavoidably near to her! - - Albeit unsightly, this creature politely - Said: "Madam, I earnestly vow to you, - I'm penitent that I did not bring my hat. I - Should otherwise certainly bow to you." - Though anxious to please, he was so ill at ease - That he lost all his sense of propriety, - And grew so inept that he clumsily stept - In her plate--which is barred in Society. - - This curious error completed her terror; - She shuddered, and growing much paler, not - Only left tuffet, but dealt him a buffet - Which doubled him up in a sailor-knot. - It should be explained that at this he was pained: - He cried: "I have vexed you, no doubt of it! - Your fist's like a truncheon." "You're still in my luncheon," - Was all that she answered. "Get out of it!" - - And THE MORAL is this: Be it madam or miss - To whom you have something to say, - You are only absurd when you get in the curd - But you're rude when you get in the whey. - - - - -THE FEARFUL FINALE - -OF THE - -IRASCIBLE MOUSE - - - Upon a stairway built of brick - A pleasant-featured clock - From time to time would murmur "Tick" - And vary it with "Tock": - Although no great intelligence - There lay in either word, - They were not meant to give offence - To anyone who heard. - - Within the pantry of the house, - Among some piles of cheese, - There dwelt an irritable mouse, - Extremely hard to please: - His appetite was most immense. - Each day he ate a wedge - Of Stilton cheese. In consequence - His nerves were all on edge. - - With ill-concealed impatience he, - Upon his morning walk, - Had heard the clock unceasingly, - Monotonously talk, - Until his rage burst every bound. - He gave a fretful shout: - "Well, sakes alive! It's time I found - What all this talk's about." - - With all the admirable skill - That marks the rodent race - The mouse ran up the clock, until - He'd crept behind the face, - And then, with words that no one ought - To use, and scornful squeals, - He cried aloud: "Just what I thought! - Great oaf, you're full of wheels!" - - The timepiece sternly said: "Have done!" - And through the silent house - It struck emphatically one. - (But that one was the mouse!) - To earth the prowling rodent fell, - In terror for his life, - And turned to flee, but, sad to tell, - There stood the farmer's wife. - - She did not faint, she did not quail, - She did not cry out: "Scat!" - She simply took him by the tail - And gave him to the cat, - And, with a stern, triumphant look, - She watched him clawed and cleft, - And with some blotting paper took - Up all that there was left. - - THE MORAL: In a farmer's home - Run down his herds, his flocks, - Run down his crops, run down his loam, - But when it comes to clocks, - Pray leave them ticking every one - In peace upon their shelves: - When running down is to be done - The clocks run down themselves. - - - - -THE GASTRONOMIC GUILE - -OF - -SIMPLE SIMON - - - Conveniently near to where - Young Simple Simon dwelt - There was to be a county fair, - And Simple Simon felt - That to the fair he ought to go - In all his Sunday clothes, and so, - Determined to behold the show, - He put them on and went. - (One-half his clothes was borrowed and the other half was lent.) - - He heard afar the cheerful sound - Of horns that people blew, - Saw wooden horses swing around - A circle, two and two, - Beheld balloons arise, and if - He scented with a gentle sniff - The smells of pies, what is the dif- - Ference to me or you? - (You cannot say my verse is false, because I know it's true.) - - As Simple Simon nearer came - To these attractive smells, - Avoiding every little game - Men played with walnut shells, - He felt a sudden longing rise. - The sparkle in his eager eyes - Betrayed the fact he yearned for pies: - The eye the secret tells. - ('Tis known the pie of county fairs all other pies excels.) - - So when he saw upon the road, - Some fifty feet away, - A pieman, Simple Simon strode - Toward him, shouting: "Hey! - What kinds?" as lordly as a prince. - The pieman said: "I've pumpkin, quince, - Blueberry, lemon, peach, and mince:" - And, showing his array, - He added: "Won't you try one, sir? They're very nice to-day." - - Now Simon's taste was most profuse, - And so, by way of start, - He ate two cakes, a Charlotte Russe, - Six buns, the better part - Of one big gingerbread, a pair - Of lady-fingers, an eclair, - And ten assorted pies, and there, - His hand upon his heart, - He paused to choose between an apple dumpling and a tart. - - Observing that upon his tray - His goods were growing few, - The pieman cried: "I beg to say - That patrons such as you - One does not meet in many a moon. - Pray, won't you try this macaroon?" - But soon suspicious, changed his tune, - Continuing: "What is due - I beg respectfully to add's a dollar twenty-two." - - Then Simple Simon put a curb - Upon his appetite, - And turning with an air superb - He suddenly took flight, - While o'er his shoulder this absurd - And really most offensive word - The trusting pieman shortly heard - To soothe his bitter plight: - "Perhaps I should have said before your wares are out of sight." - - THE MORAL is a simple one, - But still of consequence. - We've seen that Simon's sense of fun - Was almost too intense: - Though blaming his deceitful guise, - We with the pieman sympathize, - The latter we must criticize - Because he was so dense: - He might have known from what he ate that Simon had no cents. - - - - - [Illustration: "NOW SIMON'S TASTES WERE MOST PROFUSE"] - - - - -THE HARMONIOUS HEEDLESSNESS - -OF - -LITTLE BOY BLUE - - - Composing scales beside the rails - That flanked a field of corn, - A farmer's boy with vicious joy - Performed upon a horn: - The vagrant airs, the fragrant airs - Around that field that strayed, - Took flight before the flagrant airs - That noisome urchin played. - - He played with care "The Maiden's Prayer;" - He played "God Save the Queen," - "Die Wacht am Rhein," and "Auld Lang Syne," - And "Wearing of the Green:" - With futile toots, and brutal toots, - And shrill chromatic scales, - And utterly inutile toots, - And agonizing wails. - - The while he played, around him strayed, - And calmly chewed the cud, - Some thirty-nine assorted kine, - All ankle-deep in mud: - They stamped about and tramped about - That mud, till all the troupe - Made noises, as they ramped about, - Like school-boys eating soup. - - Till, growing bored, with one accord - They broke the fence forlorn: - The field was doomed. The cows consumed - Two-thirds of all the corn, - And viciously, maliciously, - Went prancing o'er the loam. - That landscape expeditiously - Resembled harvest-home. - - "Most idle ass of all your class," - The farmer said with scorn: - "Just see my son, what you have done! - The cows are in the corn!" - "Oh drat," he said, "the brat!" he said. - The cowherd seemed to rouse. - "My friend, it's worse than that," he said. - "The corn is in the cows." - - THE MORAL lies before our eyes. - When tending kine and corn, - Don't spend your noons in tooting tunes - Upon a blatant horn: - Or scaling, and assailing, and - With energy immense, - Your cows will take a railing, and - The farmer take offense. - - - - -THE INEXCUSABLE IMPROBITY - -OF - -TOM, THE PIPER'S SON - - - A Paris butcher kept a shop - Upon the river's bank - Where you could buy a mutton chop - Or two for half a franc. - The little shop was spruce and neat, - In view of all who trod the street - The decorated joints of meat - Were hung up in a rank. - - This Gallic butcher led a life - Of highly moral tone; - He never raised his voice in strife, - He never drank alone: - He simply sat outside his door - And slept from eight o'clock till four; - The more he slept, so much the more - To slumber he was prone. - - One day outside his shop he put - A pig he meant to stuff, - And carefully around each foot - He pinned a paper ruff, - But, while a watch he should have kept, - His habit conquered, and he slept, - And for a thief who was adept - That surely was enough. - - A Scottish piper dwelt near by, - Whose one ungracious son - Beheld that pig and murmured: "Why, - No sooner said than done! - It seems to me that this I need." - And grasping it, with all his speed - Across the Pont des Invalides - He started on a run. - - Then, turning sharply to the right, - Without a thought of risk, - He fled. 'Tis fair to call his flight - Inordinately brisk. - But now the town was all astir, - In vain his feet he strove to spur, - They caught him, shouting: "Au voleur!" - Beside the Obelisk. - - The breathless butcher cried: "A mort!" - The crowd said: "Conspuez!" - And some: "A bas!" and half a score - Responded: "Vive l'armée!" - While grim gendarmes with piercing eye, - And stern remarks about: "Canaille!" - The pig abstracted on the sly. - Such is the Gallic way! - - The piper's offspring, his defeat - Deep-rooted in his heart, - A revolutionary sheet - Proceeded then to start. - Thenceforward every evening he - In leaders scathed the Ministry, - And wished he could accomplish the - Return of Bonaparte. - - THE MORAL is that when the press - Begins to rave and shout - It's often difficult to guess - What it is all about. - The editor we strive to pin, - But we can never find him in. - What startling knowledge we should win - If we could find him out! - - - - -THE JUDICIOUS JUDGMENT - -OF - -QUITE CONTRARY MARY - - - Though Mary had the kind of face - The rudest wind would softly blow on; - Though she was full of simple grace, - Sweet, amiable, and kind, and so on; - I would not have you understand - That she was meek. You'd be mistaken. - She worked out logarithms, and - Her favorite essayist was Bacon. - - And, though not positive, I think - She'd heard about Savonarola, - Had studied Maurice Maeterlinck, - And read the works of Emile Zola, - And Emerson's and some of Kant's, - And all of mine and Shopenhauer's; - But still she cultivated plants, - And spent her life in tending flowers. - - She had a little hedge of box, - Azalias, and a bed of tansy, - A double row of hollyhocks, - And every different kind of pansy: - And, though so innocent of look, - She'd lovers by the scores and dozens, - And learned, by talking with the cook, - To tell her friends they were her cousins. - - The first was French, the second Greek, - The third was born upon the Mersey, - The fourth one came from Mozambique, - The fifth one from the Isle of Jersey. - I cannot tell about the rest, - But, judging from their dress and faces, - They came from north, east, south, and west, - But all of them from different places. - - Now, such was Mary's sense of pride, - Despite their fervent protestations, - Before she vowed to be a bride - She set them all examinations: - She asked each one to tell the date - Of Washington and Cleopatra, - Name Dickens' novels, and locate - The site of Yonkers and Sumatra. - - But so it chanced that, from a score - Of suitors resolute and haughty, - One gained a mark of sixty-four, - And all the rest were under forty. - One swain alone the rest outclassed; - Because of one audacious guess, he - This strict examination passed - When Mary asked the date of Crécy. - - THE MORAL shows that when a maid - Her life devotes unto a garden, - When horticultural skill's displayed - Her heart she does not dare to harden. - So crafty suitors, scorn the fates - And you may lay this flattering balm to - Your souls; if you but get your dates - The chances are you'll get the palm, too! - - - - -THE LINGUISTIC LANGUOR - -OF - -CHARLES AUGUSTUS SPRAGUE - - - A child of nature curious - Was Charles Augustus Sprague; - He made his parents furious - Because he was so vague: - Although his age was nearly two - Eleven words were all he knew, - These sounded much as sounds the Dutch - That's spoken at The Hague. - - A few of his errata - 'Tis just I should avow, - He called his mother "Tata," - And "moo" he dubbed a cow, - Nor was it altogether plain - Why "choo-choo" meant a railway train. - He called a cat "miouw," and that - No purist would allow. - - Within his father's orchard - There stood, for all to see, - With branches bent and tortured, - An ancient apple tree: - That Charles Augustus Sprague might drowse - His mother on its swaying boughs - His cradle hung, and, while it swung, - She sang with energy. - - A sudden blow arising - One day, the branches broke, - With suddenness surprising - The sleeping babe awoke, - And crashing down to earth he fell. - Ah me, that I should have to tell - The words that mild and genial child - On this occasion spoke! - - His face convulsed and chequered - With passion and with tears, - He blotted out the record - Of both his speechless years: - His mother stupefied, aghast, - Heard Charles Augustus speak at last; - He opened wide his mouth and cried - These ill conditioned sneers. - - "Sapristi! Accidente! - Perchance my speech is late, - But, be she two or twenty, - A nincompoop I hate! - What idiot said that woman's 'planned - To warn, to comfort, and command?'" - His words I quench. Excuse my French-- - Je dis que tu m'embêtes! - - THE MORAL: Common clocks, we find, - In silence take a sudden wind, - But only heroes, as we know, - In silence take a sudden blow. - - - - -THE MYSTERIOUS MISAPPREHENSION - -CONCERNING - -A MAN IN OUR TOWN - - - There was a man in our town, - Half beggar, half rapscallion, - Who, just because his eyes were brown, - Was thought to be Italian: - And, though with much insistence - He said that people erred, - And bitterly to Italy - He frequently referred, - The false report, as is the way - Of false reports, had come to stay! - - So every one who'd been to Rome - By aid of Cook's or Gaze's, - Would call upon him at his home - To flaunt Italian phrases. - "Capite Questa lingua?" - The inquiry would be: - "Pochissimo? Benissimo! - Vi prego, ditemi, - Siete voi contento qua, - Lontano dall'Italia?" - - The victim, plunged in deep disgust, - Grew nervous, could not slumber; - Said he, "I'm called Italian, just - Because my eyes are umber, - And if this persecution - Is ever to be stopped, - Some stern and stoic, hard, heroic - Course I must adopt!" - And so, to everyone's surprise, - He calmly scratched out both his eyes! - - The neighbors said: "So strange a thing - Might seem to be an omen. - We _thought_ his wits were wandering, - But now we _know_ they're Roman!" - And so at him by legions, - By bevies, hosts, and herds, - Professors, purists, tramps, and tourists - Screamed Italian words. - Perceiving all he'd done was vain, - He scratched his eyesight in again. - - THE MORAL: If your neighbors say - You're one thing or another, - You'll find there isn't any way - Their prejudice to smother. - What matter if they think you - From Italy or Greece? - I beg you, treasure no displeasure: - Bow and hold your peace. - Like Omar, underneath the bow - You'll find there's paradise enow! - - - - -THE OPPORTUNE OVERTHROW - -OF - -HUMPTY DUMPTY - - - Upon a wall of medium height - Bombastically sat - A boastful boy, and he was quite - Unreasonably fat: - And what aroused a most intense - Disgust in passers-by - Was his abnormal impudence - In hailing them with "Hi!" - While by his kicks he loosened bricks - The girls to terrify. - - When thus for half an hour or more - He'd played his idle tricks, - And wounded something like a score - Of people with the bricks, - A man who kept a fuel shop - Across from where he sat - Remarked: "Well, this has got to stop." - Then, snatching up his hat, - And sallying out, began to shout: - "Look here! Come down from that!" - - The boastful boy to laugh began, - As laughs a vapid clown, - And cried: "It takes a bigger man - Than you to call me down! - This wall is smooth, this wall is high, - And safe from every one. - No acrobat could do what I - Had been and gone and done!" - Though this reviled, the other smiled, - And said: "Just wait, my son!" - - Then to the interested throng - That watched across the way - He showed with smiling face a long - And slender Henry Clay, - Remarking: "In upon my shelves - All kinds of coal there are. - Step in, my friends, and help yourselves. - And he who first can jar - That wretched urchin off his perch - Will get this good cigar." - - The throng this task did not disdain, - But threw with heart and soul, - Till round the youth there raged a rain - Of lumps of cannel-coal. - He dodged for all that he was worth, - Till one bombarder deft - Triumphant brought him down to earth, - Of vanity bereft. - "I see," said he, "that this is the - Coal day when I get left." - - THE MORAL is that fuel can - Become the tool of fate - When thrown upon a little man, - Instead of on a grate. - This story proves that when a brat - Imagines he's admired, - And acts in such a fashion that - He makes his neighbors tired, - That little fool, who's much too cool; - Gets warmed when coal is fired. - - - - - [Illustration: "WHILE BY KICKS HE LOOSENED BRICKS"] - - - - -THE PREPOSTEROUS PERFORMANCE - -OF - -AN OLD LADY OF BANBURY - - - Within a little attic a retiring, but erratic - Old lady (six-and-eighty, to be frank), - Made sauces out of cranberry for all the town - of Banbury, - Depositing the proceeds in the bank. - Her tendency to thriftiness, her scorn of any - shiftiness - Built a bustling business, and in course - Of time her secret yearnings were revealed, - and all her earnings - She squandered in the purchase of a horse. - - "I am not in a hurry for a waggonette or - surrey," - She said. "In fact, I much prefer to ride." - And spite of all premonishment, to everyone's - astonishment, - The gay old lady did so--and astride! - Now this was most periculous, but, what was - more ridiculous, - The horse she bought had pulled a car, - and so, - The lazy steed to cheer up, she'd a bell upon - her stirrup, - And rang it twice to make the creature go! - - I blush the truth to utter, but it seems a - pound of butter - And thirty eggs she had to sell. Of course, - In scorn of ways pedestrian, this fatuous - equestrian - To market gaily started on the horse. - Becoming too importunate to hasten, the un- - fortunate - Old lady plied her charger with a birch. - In view of all her cronies, this stupidest of - ponies - Fell flat before the Presbyterian church! - - If it should chance that one set a red Italian - sunset - Beside a Beardsley poster, and a plaid - Like any canny Highlander's beside a Fiji - Islander's - Most variegated costume, and should add - A Turner composition, and with clever intuition, - To cap the climax, pile upon them all - The aurora borealis, then veracity, not malice, - Might claim a close resemblance to her fall. - - At sight of her disaster, with arnica and plaster - The neighbors ran up eagerly to aid. - They cried: "Don't do that offen, ma'am, or - you will need a coffin, ma'am, - You've hurt your solar plexus, we're afraid. - We hope your martyrdom'll let you notice - what an omelette - You've made in half a jiffy. It is great!" - She only clutched her bonnet (she had fallen - flat upon it), - And answered: "Will you tell me if it's - straight?" - - THE MORAL'S rather curious: for often the - penurious - Are apt to think old horses of account - If you would ride, then seek fine examples of - the equine, - And don't look on a molehill as a mount. - - - - -THE QUIXOTIC QUEST - -OF - -THREE BLIND MICE - - - A maiden mouse of an arrogant mind - Had three little swains and all were blind. - The reason for this I do not know, - But I think it was love that made them so, - For without demur they bowed to her, - Though she treated them all with a high hauteur. - She ruled them, schooled them, frequently fooled them, - Snubbed, tormented, and ridiculed them: - Mice as a rule are much like men, - So they swallowed their pride and called again. - - The maiden mouse of an arrogant mind - To morbid romance was much inclined. - The reason for this I have not learned, - But I think by novels her head was turned. - She said that the chap who dared to nap - One hour inside of the farmer's trap - Might gain her, reign her, wholly enchain her, - Woo her, win her, and thence retain her! - Hope ran high in each suitor's breast, - And all determined to stand the test. - - The maiden mouse of an arrogant mind - Laughed when she saw them thus confined. - The reason for this I can't proclaim, - But I know some girls who'd have done the same! - As thus they kept to their word, and slept, - The farmer's wife to the pantry stept: - She sought them, caught them, carefully brought them - Out to the light, and there she taught them - How that chivalry often fails, - By calmly cutting off all their tails! - - The maiden mouse of an arrogant mind - Treated her swains in a way unkind. - The reason for this is not complex: - That's always the way with the tender sex. - With impudent hails she cried: "What ails - You all, and where are your splendid tails?" - She jeered so, sneered so, flouted and fleered so, - Giggled, and altogether appeared so - Lacking in heart, that her slaves grew bored, - And threw up the sponge of their own accord. - - The maiden mouse of an arrogant mind - Watched and waited, and peaked and pined. - The reason for this, I beg to state, - Is all summed up in the words TOO LATE! - THE MORAL intwined is: Love is blind, - But he never leaves all his wits behind: - You may beat him, cheat him, often defeat him, - Though he be true with torture treat him: - One of these days you'll be bereft, - You think you're right, but you'll find you're left. - - - - -THE REMARKABLE REGIMEN - -OF - -THE SPRAT FAMILY - - - The Sprats were four in number, - Including twins in kilts: - All day Jack carted lumber, - All day his wife made quilts. - Thus heartlessly neglected - Twelve hours in twenty-four, - As might have been expected, - The twins sat on the floor: - And all the buttons, I should state, - They chanced to find, they promptly ate. - This was not meat, but still it's true - We did the same when we were two. - - The wife (whose name was Julia) - Maintained an ample board, - But one thing was peculiar, - Lean meat she quite abhorred. - Here also should be stated - Another fact: 'tis that - Her spouse abominated - The very taste of fat. - This contrast curious of taste - Precluded any thought of waste, - For all they left of any meal - No self-respecting dog would steal. - - No generous _table d'hôte_ meal, - No dainties packed in tins, - But only bowls of oatmeal - They gave the wretched twins; - And yet like princes pampered - Had lived those babes accursed, - Could they have fed unhampered:-- - I have not told the worst! - Since nothing from the dining-room - Was left to feed the cook and groom, - It seems that these domestics cruel - Were led to steal the children's gruel! - - The twins, all hopes resigning, - And wounded to the core, - Confined themselves to dining - On buttons off the floor. - No passionate resentment - The docile babes displayed: - Each day in calm contentment - Three hearty meals they made. - And daily Jack and Mrs. Sprat - Ate all the lean and all the fat, - And every day the groom and cook - The children's meal contrived to hook. - - But when the twins grew older, - As twins are apt to do, - And, shoulder touching shoulder, - Sat Sundays in their pew. - They saw no Christian glory - In parting with a dime, - And in the offertory - Dropped buttons every time. - Said they: "What's good enough for Sprats - Is good enough for heathen brats." - (I most sincerely wish I knew - What was the heathen's point of view.) - - THE MORAL: Anecdotes abound - Of buttons in collections found. - Thus on the wheels of progress go, - And heathens reap what Christians sew! - - - - -THE SINGULAR SANGFROID - -OF - -BABY BUNTING - - - Bartholomew Benjamin Bunting - Had only three passions in life, - And one of the trio was hunting, - The others his babe and his wife: - And always, so rigid his habits, - He frolicked at home until two, - And then started hunting for rabbits, - And hunted till fall of the dew. - - Belinda Bellonia Bunting, - Thus widowed for half of the day, - Her duty maternal confronting, - With baby would patiently play. - When thus was her energy wasted - A patented food she'd dispense. - (She had bought it the day that they pasted - The posters all over her fence.) - - But Bonaparte Buckingham Bunting, - The infant thus blindly adored, - Replied to her worship by grunting, - Which showed he was brutally bored. - 'Twas little he cared for the troubles - Of life. Like a crab on the sands, - From his sweet little mouth he blew bubbles, - And threatened the air with his hands. - - Bartholomew Benjamin Bunting - One night, as his wife let him in, - Produced as the fruit of his hunting - A cottontail's velvety skin, - Which, seeing young Bonaparte wriggle, - He gave him without a demur, - And the babe with an aqueous giggle - He swallowed the whole of the fur! - - Belinda Bellonia Bunting - Behaved like a consummate loon: - Her offspring in frenzy confronting - She screamed herself mottled maroon: - She felt of his vertebræ spinal, - Expecting he'd surely succumb, - And gave him one vigorous, final, - Hard prod in the pit of his tum. - - But Bonaparte Buckingham Bunting, - At first but a trifle perplexed, - By a change in his manner of grunting - Soon showed he was terribly vexed. - He displayed not a sign of repentance - But spoke, in a dignified tone, - The only consecutive sentence - He uttered. 'Twas: "Lemme alone." - - THE MORAL: The parent that uses - Precaution his folly regrets: - An infant gets all that he chooses, - An infant chews all that he gets. - And colics? He constantly has 'em - So long as his food is the best, - But he'll swallow with never a spasm - What ostriches couldn't digest! - - - - -THE TOUCHING TENDERNESS - -OF - -KING KARL THE FIRST - - - For hunger and thirst King Karl the First - Had a stoical, stern disdain: - The food that he ordered consistently bordered - On what is described as plain. - Much trouble his cook ambitiously took - To tickle his frugal taste, - But all of his savoury science and slavery - Ended in naught but waste. - - Said the steward: "The thing to tempt the King - And charm his indifferent eye - No doubt is a tasty, delectable pasty. - Make him a blackbird pie!" - The cook at these words baked twenty-four birds, - And set them before the King, - And the two dozen odious, bold, and melodious - Singers began to sing. - - The King in surprise said: "Dozens of pies - In the course of our life we've tried, - But never before us was served up a chorus - Like this that we hear inside!" - With a thunderous look he ordered the cook - And the steward before him brought, - And with a beatified smile: "He is satisfied!" - Both of these innocents thought. - - "Of sinners the worst," said Karl the First, - "Is the barbarous ruffian that - A song-bird would slaughter, unless for his daughter - Or wife he is trimming a hat. - We'll punish you so for the future you'll know - That from mercy you can't depart. - Observe that your lenient, kind, intervenient - King has a tender heart!" - - He saw that the cook in a neighboring brook - Was drowned (as he quite deserved), - And he ordered the steward at once to be skewered. - (The steward was much unnerved.) - "It's a curious thing," said the merciful King, - "That monarchs so tender are, - So oft we're affected that we have suspected that - We are too kind by far." - - THE MORAL: The mercy of men and of Kings - Are apt to be wholly dissimilar things. - In spite of "The Merchant of Venice," we're pained - To note that the quality's sometimes strained. - - - - - [Illustration: "SHE PLUCKED HIM WITH RELENTLESS FROWN"] - - - - -THE UNUSUAL UBIQUITY - -OF - -THE INQUISITIVE GANDER - - - A gander dwelt upon a farm - And no one could resist him, - For had he died, such was his charm, - His neighbors would have missed him: - His scorn for any loud display, - His cheerful hissing day by day, - Would win your heart in such a way - You almost could have kissed him. - - This bird was always nosing 'round. - Most patiently he waited - Until an open door he found, - And then investigated. - He loved to poke, he loved to peek, - In every knothole, so to speak, - He quickly thrust his prying beak, - For what was hid he hated. - - The farm exhausted: "Now," said he: - "My policy's expansion. - When one's convinced how things should be - The proper course he can't shun. - His mind made up, he followed it, - Relying on his native wit, - And soon had wandered, bit by bit, - Through all his master's mansion. - - "At least," he said: "It's not my fault - If everything's not seen to: - I've gone from garret down to vault, - And glanced into the lean-to. - In every room I've chanced to stop; - A supervising glance to drop, - I've looked below, I've looked on top, - Behind, and in between, too!" - - One thing alone he found to blame, - As thus his time he squandered, - For, seeing not the farmer's dame, - Into her room he wandered, - And mounting nimbly on the bed: - "Why, bless my careful soul!" he said: - "These pillows are as hard as lead. - Now, how comes that?" he pondered. - - The farmer's dame for half an hour - Had watched the bird meander, - And finding him within her power, - She leaped upon the gander. - "Why, how de do, my gander coy?" - She shouted: "What will be my joy - To dream to-night on you, my boy!" - (This was no baseless slander.) - - For with a stoutish piece of string - Securely was this fool tied, - And by a leg and by a wing - Unto an oaken stool tied: - While, pinning towels around her gown, - She plucked him with relentless frown, - And stuffed the pillows with his down, - And roasted him for Yuletide. - - THE MORAL is: When you explore - Don't try to be superior: - Be cautious, and retire before - Your safety grows inferior. - 'Tis best to stay upon the coast, - Or some day you will be like most - Of all that bold exploring host - That's gone to the interior. - - -THE END - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's Mother Goose for Grown-ups, by Guy Wetmore Carryl - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MOTHER GOOSE FOR GROWN-UPS *** - -***** This file should be named 50310-8.txt or 50310-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/0/3/1/50310/ - -Produced by Suzanne Shell, Melissa McDaniel, and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Mother Goose for Grown-ups - -Author: Guy Wetmore Carryl - -Illustrator: Peter Newell - Gustave Verbeek - -Release Date: October 25, 2015 [EBook #50310] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MOTHER GOOSE FOR GROWN-UPS *** - - - - -Produced by Suzanne Shell, Melissa McDaniel, and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) - - - - - - -</pre> - - -<div class="tnbox"> -<p class="center"><b>Transcriber's Note:</b></p> -<p>Obvious typographical errors have been corrected. -Inconsistent spelling and hyphenation in the original -document have been preserved.</p> -</div> - -<h1> -MOTHER GOOSE FOR GROWN-UPS -</h1> - -<div class='figcenter p6'> - <img src="images/illus01-550.jpg" width="400" height="550" - alt="WILL YOU TELL ME IF IT'S STRAIGHT?" - /> - <a id='Frontispiece' name='Frontispiece'></a> - -<p class='caption'>"'WILL YOU TELL ME IF IT'S STRAIGHT?'"</p> -</div> - -<p class="center p6"> -<span class="b13">MOTHER GOOSE</span><br /> -<span class="b13">FOR GROWN-UPS</span> -<br /> - -By GUY WETMORE CARRYL<br /> -With Illustrations by <span class="smcap">Peter</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Newell</span> and <span class="smcap">Gustave Verbeek</span> -</p> - -<div class='figcenter p2'> - <img src="images/tp.jpg" width="117" height="139" - alt='logo' /> -</div> - -<p class="center p4"> -NEW YORK AND LONDON<br /> -HARPER & BROTHERS<br /> -1900 -</p> - -<p class="center p6"> -Copyright, 1900, by <span class="smcap">Harper & Brothers</span>. -</p> - -<p class="center"> -<i>All rights reserved</i> -</p> - -<h2> -TO CONSTANCE -</h2> - -<hr class="l15" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<p> -In memory of other days, -</p> -<p> -Dear critic, when your whispered praise -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Cheered on the limping pen. -</p> -<p> -How short, how sweet those younger hours, -</p> -<p> -How bright our suns, how few our showers, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Alas, we knew not then! -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -If but, long leagues across the seas, -</p> -<p> -The trivial charm of rhymes like these -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Shall serve to link us twain -</p> -<p> -An instant in the olden spell -</p> -<p> -That once we knew and loved so well, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - I have not worked in vain! -</p> -</div></div></div> - -<h2> -NOTE -</h2> - -<p> -I have pleasure in acknowledging the courteous permission -of the editors to reprint in this form such of the -following verses as were originally published in <i>Harper's -Magazine</i>, the <i>Saturday Evening Post</i>, and the <i>London Sketch</i>. -</p> - -<p class="flright"> -G. W. C. -</p> - -<h2> -CONTENTS -</h2> - -<table summary="Table of Contents"> - <tr> - <td class="tdh"> </td> - <td class="tdh"><span class="s08">PAGE</span></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdh"><span class="smcap">The Admirable Assertiveness of Jilted Jack</span></td> - <td class="tdc"><a href="#Page_3">3</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdh"><span class="smcap">The Blatant Brutality of Little Bow Peep</span></td> - <td class="tdc"><a href="#Page_9">9</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdh"><span class="smcap">The Commendable Castigation of Old Mother Hubbard</span></td> - <td class="tdc"><a href="#Page_15">15</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdh"><span class="smcap">The Discouraging Discovery of Little Jack Horner</span></td> - <td class="tdc"><a href="#Page_21">21</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdh"><span class="smcap">The Embarrassing Episode of Little Miss Muffet</span></td> - <td class="tdc"><a href="#Page_27">27</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdh"><span class="smcap">The Fearful Finale of the Irascible Mouse</span></td> - <td class="tdc"><a href="#Page_33">33</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdh"><span class="smcap">The Gastronomic Guile of Simple Simon</span></td> - <td class="tdc"><a href="#Page_39">39</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdh"><span class="smcap">The Harmonious Heedlessness of Little Boy Blue</span></td> - <td class="tdc"><a href="#Page_47">47</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdh"><span class="smcap">The Inexcusable Improbity of Tom, the Piper's Son</span></td> - <td class="tdc"><a href="#Page_53">53</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdh"><span class="smcap">The Judicious Judgment of Quite Contrary Mary</span></td> - <td class="tdc"><a href="#Page_59">59</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdh"><span class="smcap">The Linguistic Languor of Charles Augustus Sprague</span></td> - <td class="tdc"><a href="#Page_65">65</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdh"><span class="smcap">The Mysterious Misapprehension Concerning a Man in Our Town</span></td> - <td class="tdc"><a href="#Page_71">71</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdh"><span class="smcap">The Opportune Overthrow of Humpty Dumpty</span></td> - <td class="tdc"><a href="#Page_77">77</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdh"><span class="smcap">The Preposterous Performance of an Old Lady of Banbury</span></td> - <td class="tdc"><a href="#Page_83">83</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdh"><span class="smcap">The Quixotic Quest of Three Blind Mice</span></td> - <td class="tdc"><a href="#Page_89">89</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdh"><span class="smcap">The Remarkable Regimen of the Sprat Family</span></td> - <td class="tdc"><a href="#Page_95">95</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdh"><span class="smcap">The Singular Sangfroid of Baby Bunting</span></td> - <td class="tdc"><a href="#Page_101">101</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdh"><span class="smcap">The Touching Tenderness of King Karl the First</span></td> - <td class="tdc"><a href="#Page_107">107</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdh"><span class="smcap">The Unusual Ubiquity of the Inquisitive Gander</span></td> - <td class="tdc"><a href="#Page_113">113</a></td> - </tr> -</table> - -<h2> -ILLUSTRATIONS -</h2> - -<table summary="List of Illustrations"> - <tr> - <td> </td> - <td><span class="s08">PAGE</span></td> - - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdh"><span class="smcap">"'WILL YOU TELL ME IF IT'S STRAIGHT?'"</span></td> - <td><i><a href="#Frontispiece">Frontispiece</a></i></td> - <td></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdh"><span class="smcap">"SHE WAS SO CHARMINGLY WATTEAU-LIKE"</span></td> - <td><i>Facing p.</i> <a href="#Page_10">10</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdh"><span class="smcap">"NOW SIMON'S TASTES WERE MOST PROFUSE"</span></td> - <td><i>Facing p.</i> <a href="#Page_40">40</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdh"><span class="smcap">"WHILE BY KICKS HE LOOSENED BRICKS"</span></td> - <td><i>Facing p.</i> <a href="#Page_78">78</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdh"><span class="smcap">"SHE PLUCKED HIM WITH RELENTLESS FROWN"</span></td> - <td><i>Facing p.</i> <a href="#Page_114">114</a></td> - </tr> -</table> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_3' name='Page_3'>3</a></span> -</p> - -<h2> -THE ADMIRABLE ASSERTIVENESS -<br /> -<span class="s05">OF</span><br /> -JILTED JACK -</h2> - -<hr class="l15" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<p> -A noble and a generous mind -</p> -<p class="i3"> - Was Jack's; -</p> -<p> -Folks knew he would not talk behind -</p> -<p class="i3"> - Their backs: -</p> -<p class="i1"> - But when some maiden fresh and young, -</p> -<p class="i1"> - At Jack a bit of banter flung, -</p> -<p class="i1"> - She soon discovered that his tongue -</p> -<p class="i3"> - Was sharp as any ax. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -A flirt of most engaging wiles -</p> -<p class="i3"> - Was Jill; -</p> -<p> -On Jack she lavished all her smiles, -</p> -<p class="i3"> - Until -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_4' name='Page_4'>4</a></span> -</p> -<p class="i1"> - Her slave (and he was not the first) -</p> -<p class="i1"> - Of lovesick swains became the worst, -</p> -<p class="i1"> - His glance a strong box might have burst, -</p> -<p class="i3"> - His sighs were fit to kill. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -One April morning, clear and fair, -</p> -<p class="i3"> - When both -</p> -<p> -Of staying home and idling there -</p> -<p class="i3"> - In sloth -</p> -<p class="i1"> - Were weary, Jack remarked to Jill: -</p> -<p class="i1"> - "Oh, what's the sense in sitting still? -</p> -<p class="i1"> - Let's mount the slope of yonder hill." -</p> -<p class="i3"> - And she was nothing loth. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -But as she answered: "What's the use?" -</p> -<p class="i3"> - The gruff -</p> -<p> -Young swain replied: "Oh, there's excuse -</p> -<p class="i3"> - Enough. -</p> -<p class="i1"> - Your doting parents water lack; -</p> -<p class="i1"> - We'll fill a pail and bring it back." -</p> -<p class="i1"> - (The reader will perceive that Jack -</p> -<p class="i3"> - Was putting up a bluff.) -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_5' name='Page_5'>5</a></span> -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -Thus hand in hand the tempting hill -</p> -<p class="i3"> - They scaled, -</p> -<p> -And Jack proposed a kiss to Jill, -</p> -<p class="i3"> - And failed! -</p> -<p class="i1"> - One backward start, one step too bold, -</p> -<p class="i1"> - And down the hill the couple rolled, -</p> -<p class="i1"> - Resembling, if the truth were told, -</p> -<p class="i3"> - A luggage train derailed. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -With eyes ablaze with anger, she -</p> -<p class="i3"> - Exclaimed: -</p> -<p> -"Well, who'd have thought! You'd ought to be -</p> -<p class="i3"> - Ashamed! -</p> -<p class="i1"> - You quite forget yourself, it's plain, -</p> -<p class="i1"> - So I'll forget you, too. Insane -</p> -<p class="i1"> - Young man, I'll say <i>oafweederzane</i>." -</p> -<p class="i3"> - (Her German might be blamed.) -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -But Jack, whose linguist's pride was pricked, -</p> -<p class="i3"> - To shine, -</p> -<p> -Asked: "<i><span lang="de_DE">Meine Königin will nicht</span></i> -</p> -<p class="i3"> - Be mine?" -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_6' name='Page_6'>6</a></span> -</p> -<p class="i1"> - And when she answered: "<span lang="de_DE">Nein</span>" in spleen, -</p> -<p class="i1"> - He cried: "Then in the soup tureen -</p> -<p class="i1"> - You'll stay. You're not the only queen -</p> -<p class="i3"> - Discarded for a <span lang="de_DE">nein</span>!" -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -<span class="smcap">The moral's</span> made for maidens young -</p> -<p class="i3"> - And small: -</p> -<p> -If you would in a foreign tongue -</p> -<p class="i3"> - Enthrall, -</p> -<p class="i1"> - Lead off undaunted in a Swede -</p> -<p class="i1"> - Or Spanish speech, and you'll succeed, -</p> -<p class="i1"> - But they who in a German lead -</p> -<p class="i3"> - No favor win at all. -</p> -</div></div></div> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_9' name='Page_9'>9</a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_8' name='Page_8'></a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_7' name='Page_7'></a></span> -</p> - -<h2> -THE BLATANT BRUTALITY -<br /> -<span class="s05">OF</span> -<br /> -LITTLE BOW PEEP -</h2> - -<hr class="l15" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<p> -Though she was only a shepherdess, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Tending the meekest of sheep, -</p> -<p> -Never was African leopardess -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Crosser than Little Bow Peep: -</p> -<p> -Quite apathetic, impassible -</p> -<p class="i2"> - People described her as: "That -</p> -<p> -Wayward, contentious, irascible, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Testy, cantankerous brat!" -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -Yet, as she dozed in a grotto-like -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Sort of a kind of a nook, -</p> -<p> -She was so charmingly Watteau-like, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - What with her sheep and her crook; -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_10' name='Page_10'>10</a></span> -</p> -<p> -"She is a dryad or nymph," any -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Casual passer would think. -</p> -<p> -Poets pronounced her a symphony, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - All in the palest of pink. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -Thus it was not enigmatical, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - That the young shepherd who first -</p> -<p> -Found her asleep, in ecstatical -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Sighs of felicity burst: -</p> -<p> -Such was his sudden beatitude -</p> -<p class="i2"> - That, as he gazed at her so, -</p> -<p> -Daphnis gave vent to this platitude: -</p> -<p class="i2"> - "My! Ain't she elegant though!" -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -Roused from some dream of Arcadia, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Little Bow Peep with a start -</p> -<p> -Answered him: "I ain't afraid o' yer! -</p> -<p class="i2"> - P'raps you imagine you're smart!" -</p> -<p> -Daphnis protested impulsively, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Blushing as red as a rose; -</p> -<p> -All was in vain. She convulsively -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Punched the young man in the nose! -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_13' name='Page_13'>13</a></span> -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_12' name='Page_12'>12</a></span> -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_11' name='Page_11'>11</a></span> -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -All of it's true, every word of it! -</p> -<p class="i2"> - I was not present to peep, -</p> -<p> -But if you ask how I heard of it, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Please to remember the sheep. -</p> -<p> -There is no need of excuse. You will -</p> -<p class="i2"> - See how such scandals occur: -</p> -<p> -If you recall Mother Goose, you will -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Know what tail-bearers they were! -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -<span class="smcap">Moral</span>: This pair irreclaimable -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Might have made Seraphim weep, -</p> -<p> -But who can pick the most blamable? -</p> -<p class="i2"> - <i>Both saw a little beau peep!</i> -</p> -</div></div></div> - -<div class='figcenter p6'> - <img src='images/illus02.jpg' width='600' height='451' - alt="SHE WAS SO CHARMINGLY WATTEAU-LIKE" - /> -<p class='caption'>"SHE WAS SO CHARMINGLY WATTEAU-LIKE"</p> -</div> - -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_14' name='Page_14'></a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_15' name='Page_15'>15</a></span> -</p> - -<h2> -THE COMMENDABLE CASTIGATION - -<br /> -<span class="s05"> -OF -</span> -<br /> - -OLD MOTHER HUBBARD - -</h2> -<hr class="l15" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<p> -She was one of those creatures -</p> -<p class="i4"> - Whose features -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Are hard beyond any reclaim; -</p> -<p> -And she loved in a hovel -</p> -<p class="i4"> - To grovel, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - And she hadn't a cent to her name. -</p> -<p> -She owned neither gallants -</p> -<p class="i4"> - Nor talents; -</p> -<p class="i2"> - She borrowed extensively, too, -</p> -<p> -From all of her dozens -</p> -<p class="i4"> - Of cousins, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - And never refunded a <i>sou</i>: -</p> -<p> -Yet all they said in abuse of her -</p> -<p> -Was: "She is prouder than Lucifer!" -</p> -<p class="i2"> - (That, I must say, without meaning to blame, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Is always the way with that kind of a dame!) -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_16' name='Page_16'>16</a></span> -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -There never was jolli- -</p> -<p class="i4"> - Er colley -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Than Old Mother Hubbard had found, -</p> -<p> -Though cheaply she bought him, -</p> -<p class="i4"> - She'd taught him -</p> -<p class="i2"> - To follow her meekly around: -</p> -<p> -But though she would lick him -</p> -<p class="i4"> - And kick him, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - It never had any effect; -</p> -<p> -He always was howling -</p> -<p class="i4"> - And growling, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - But goodness! What could you expect? -</p> -<p> -Colleys were never to flourish meant -</p> -<p> -'Less they had plenty of nourishment, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - All that he had were the feathers she'd pluck -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Off an occasional chicken or duck. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -The colley was barred in -</p> -<p class="i4"> - The garden, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - He howled and he wailed and he whined. -</p> -<p> -The neighbors indignant, -</p> -<p class="i4"> - Malignant -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Petitions unanimous signed. -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_17' name='Page_17'>17</a></span> -</p> -<p> -"The nuisance grows nightly," -</p> -<p class="i4"> - Politely -</p> -<p class="i2"> - They wrote. "It's an odious hound, -</p> -<p> -And either you'll fill him, -</p> -<p class="i4"> - Or kill him, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Or else he must go to the pound. -</p> -<p> -For if this howling infernally -</p> -<p> -Is to continue nocturnally— -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Pardon us, ma'am, if we seem to be curt— -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Somebody's apt to get horribly hurt!" -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -Mother Hubbard cried loudly -</p> -<p class="i4"> - And proudly: -</p> -<p class="i2"> - "Lands sakes! but you give yourselves airs! -</p> -<p> -I'll take the law to you -</p> -<p class="i4"> - And sue you." -</p> -<p class="i2"> - The neighbors responded: "Who cares? -</p> -<p> -We none of us care if -</p> -<p class="i4"> - The sheriff -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Lock every man jack of us up; -</p> -<p> -We won't be repining -</p> -<p class="i4"> - At fining -</p> -<p class="i2"> - So long as we're rid of the pup!" -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_18' name='Page_18'>18</a></span> -</p> -<p> -They then proceeded to mount a sign, -</p> -<p> -Bearing this ominous countersign: -</p> -<p class="i2"> - "<span class="smcap">Freemen! The moment has come to protest</span> -</p> -<p class="i2"> - <span class="smcap">And Old Mother Hubbard <span lang="la">delendum est</span>!</span>" -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -They marched to her gateway, -</p> -<p class="i4"> - And straightway -</p> -<p class="i2"> - They trampled all over her lawn; -</p> -<p> -Most rudely they harried -</p> -<p class="i4"> - And carried -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Her round on a rail until dawn. -</p> -<p> -They marred her, and jarred her, -</p> -<p class="i4"> - And tarred her -</p> -<p class="i2"> - And feathered her, just as they should, -</p> -<p> -Of speech they bereft her, -</p> -<p class="i4"> - And left her -</p> -<p class="i2"> - With: "<i>Now</i> do you think you'll be good!" -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -<span class="smcap">The moral's</span> a charmingly pleasing one. -</p> -<p> -While we would deprecate teasing one, -</p> -<p> -Still, when a dame has politeness rebuffed, -</p> -<p> -She certainly ought to be collared and cuffed. -</p> -</div></div></div> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_21' name='Page_21'>21</a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_20' name='Page_20'></a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_19' name='Page_19'></a></span> -</p> - -<h2> -THE DISCOURAGING DISCOVERY - -<br /> -<span class="s05"> -OF -</span> -<br /> - -LITTLE JACK HORNER - -</h2> -<hr class="l15" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<p> -A knack almost incredible for dealing with an edible -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Jack Horner's elder sister was acknowledged to display; -</p> -<p> -She labored hard and zealously, but always guarded jealously -</p> -<p class="i2"> -The secrets of the dishes she invented every day. -</p> -<p> -She'd take some indigestible, unpopular comestible, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -And to its better nature would so tenderly appeal -</p> -<p> -That Jack invoked a benison upon a haunch of venison, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -When really she was serving him a little leg of veal! -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_22' name='Page_22'>22</a></span> -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -Jack said she was a miracle. The word was not satirical, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -For daily climbing upward, she excelled herself at last: -</p> -<p> -The acme of facility, the zenith of ability -</p> -<p class="i2"> -Was what she gave her brother for his Christmas Day repast. -</p> -<p> -He dined that evening eagerly and anything but meagerly, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -And when he'd had his salad and his quart of Extra Dry, -</p> -<p> -With sisterly benignity, and just a touch of dignity, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -She placed upon the table an unutterable pie! -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -Unflagging pertinacity, and technical sagacity, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -Long nights of sleepless vigil, and long days of constant care -</p> -<p> -Had been involved in making it, improving it, and baking it, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -Until of other pies it was the wonder and despair: -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_23' name='Page_23'>23</a></span> -</p> -<p> -So princely and so prominent, so solemn, so predominant -</p> -<p class="i2"> -It looked upon the table, that, with fascinated eye, -</p> -<p> -The youth, with sudden wonder struck, electrified, and thunder struck, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -Could only stammer stupidly: "Oh Golly! What a pie!" -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -In view of his satiety, it almost seemed impiety -</p> -<p class="i2"> -To carve this crowning triumph of a culinary life, -</p> -<p> -But, braced by his avidity, with sudden intrepidity -</p> -<p class="i2"> -He broke its dome imposing with a common kitchen knife. -</p> -<p> -Ah, hideous fatality! for when with eager palate he -</p> -<p class="i2"> -Commenced to eat, he happened on an accident uncouth, -</p> -<p> -And cried with stifled moan: "Of it one plum I tried. The stone of it -</p> -<p class="i2"> -Had never been extracted, and I've broke a wisdom tooth!" -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_24' name='Page_24'>24</a></span> -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -Jack's sister wept effusively, but loudly and abusively -</p> -<p class="i2"> -His unreserved opinion of her talents he proclaimed; -</p> -<p> -He called her names like "driveller" and "simpleton" and "sniveller," -</p> -<p class="i2"> -And others, which to mention I am really too ashamed. -</p> -<p> -<span class="smcap">The moral</span>: It is saddening, embarrassing, and maddening -</p> -<p class="i2"> -A stone to strike in what you thought was paste. One thing alone -</p> -<p> -Than this mischance is crueller, and that is for a jeweller -</p> -<p class="i2"> -To strike but paste in what he fondly thought to be a stone. -</p> -</div></div></div> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_27' name='Page_27'>27</a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_26' name='Page_26'></a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_25' name='Page_25'></a></span> -</p> - -<h2> -THE EMBARRASSING EPISODE - -<br /> -<span class="s05"> -OF -</span> -<br /> - -LITTLE MISS MUFFET - -</h2> -<hr class="l15" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<p> -Little Miss Muffet discovered a tuffet, -</p> -<p class="i1"> -(Which never occurred to the rest of us) -</p> -<p> -And, as 'twas a June day, and just about noonday, -</p> -<p class="i1"> -She wanted to eat—like the best of us: -</p> -<p> -Her diet was whey, and I hasten to say -</p> -<p class="i1"> -It is wholesome and people grow fat on it. -</p> -<p> -The spot being lonely, the lady not only -</p> -<p class="i1"> -Discovered the tuffet, but sat on it. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -A rivulet gabbled beside her and babbled, -</p> -<p class="i1"> -As rivulets always are thought to do, -</p> -<p> -And dragon-flies sported around and cavorted, -</p> -<p class="i1"> -As poets say dragon-flies ought to do; -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_28' name='Page_28'>28</a></span> -</p> -<p> -When, glancing aside for a moment, she spied -</p> -<p class="i1"> -A horrible sight that brought fear to her, -</p> -<p> -A hideous spider was sitting beside her -</p> -<p class="i1"> -And most unavoidably near to her! -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -Albeit unsightly, this creature politely -</p> -<p class="i1"> -Said: "Madam, I earnestly vow to you, -</p> -<p> -I'm penitent that I did not bring my hat. I -</p> -<p class="i1"> -Should otherwise certainly bow to you." -</p> -<p> -Though anxious to please, he was so ill at ease -</p> -<p class="i1"> -That he lost all his sense of propriety, -</p> -<p> -And grew so inept that he clumsily stept -</p> -<p class="i1"> -In her plate—which is barred in Society. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -This curious error completed her terror; -</p> -<p class="i1"> -She shuddered, and growing much paler, not -</p> -<p> -Only left tuffet, but dealt him a buffet -</p> -<p class="i1"> -Which doubled him up in a sailor-knot. -</p> -<p> -It should be explained that at this he was pained: -</p> -<p class="i1"> -He cried: "I have vexed you, no doubt of it! -</p> -<p> -Your fist's like a truncheon." "You're still in my luncheon," -</p> -<p class="i1"> -Was all that she answered. "Get out of it!" -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_29' name='Page_29'>29</a></span> -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -And <span class="smcap">The moral</span> is this: Be it madam or miss -</p> -<p class="i1"> -To whom you have something to say, -</p> -<p> -You are only absurd when you get in the curd -</p> -<p class="i1"> -But you're rude when you get in the whey. -</p> -</div></div></div> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_33' name='Page_33'>33</a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_32' name='Page_32'></a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_31' name='Page_31'></a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_30' name='Page_30'></a></span> -</p> - -<h2> -THE FEARFUL FINALE - -<br /> -<span class="s05"> -OF THE -</span> -<br /> - -IRASCIBLE MOUSE - -</h2> -<hr class="l15" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<p> -Upon a stairway built of brick -</p> -<p class="i1"> -A pleasant-featured clock -</p> -<p> -From time to time would murmur "Tick" -</p> -<p class="i1"> -And vary it with "Tock": -</p> -<p> -Although no great intelligence -</p> -<p class="i1"> -There lay in either word, -</p> -<p> -They were not meant to give offence -</p> -<p class="i1"> -To anyone who heard. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -Within the pantry of the house, -</p> -<p class="i1"> -Among some piles of cheese, -</p> -<p> -There dwelt an irritable mouse, -</p> -<p class="i1"> -Extremely hard to please: -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_34' name='Page_34'>34</a></span> -</p> -<p> -His appetite was most immense. -</p> -<p class="i1"> -Each day he ate a wedge -</p> -<p> -Of Stilton cheese. In consequence -</p> -<p class="i1"> -His nerves were all on edge. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -With ill-concealed impatience he, -</p> -<p class="i1"> -Upon his morning walk, -</p> -<p> -Had heard the clock unceasingly, -</p> -<p class="i1"> -Monotonously talk, -</p> -<p> -Until his rage burst every bound. -</p> -<p class="i1"> -He gave a fretful shout: -</p> -<p> -"Well, sakes alive! It's time I found -</p> -<p class="i1"> -What all this talk's about." -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -With all the admirable skill -</p> -<p class="i1"> -That marks the rodent race -</p> -<p> -The mouse ran up the clock, until -</p> -<p class="i1"> -He'd crept behind the face, -</p> -<p> -And then, with words that no one ought -</p> -<p class="i1"> -To use, and scornful squeals, -</p> -<p> -He cried aloud: "Just what I thought! -</p> -<p class="i1"> -Great oaf, you're full of wheels!" -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_35' name='Page_35'>35</a></span> -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -The timepiece sternly said: "Have done!" -</p> -<p class="i1"> -And through the silent house -</p> -<p> -It struck emphatically one. -</p> -<p class="i1"> -(But that one was the mouse!) -</p> -<p> -To earth the prowling rodent fell, -</p> -<p class="i1"> -In terror for his life, -</p> -<p> -And turned to flee, but, sad to tell, -</p> -<p class="i1"> -There stood the farmer's wife. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -She did not faint, she did not quail, -</p> -<p class="i1"> -She did not cry out: "Scat!" -</p> -<p> -She simply took him by the tail -</p> -<p class="i1"> -And gave him to the cat, -</p> -<p> -And, with a stern, triumphant look, -</p> -<p class="i1"> -She watched him clawed and cleft, -</p> -<p> -And with some blotting paper took -</p> -<p class="i1"> -Up all that there was left. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -<span class="smcap">The moral</span>: In a farmer's home -</p> -<p class="i1"> -Run down his herds, his flocks, -</p> -<p> -Run down his crops, run down his loam, -</p> -<p class="i1"> -But when it comes to clocks, -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_36' name='Page_36'>36</a></span> -</p> -<p> -Pray leave them ticking every one -</p> -<p class="i1"> -In peace upon their shelves: -</p> -<p> -When running down is to be done -</p> -<p class="i1"> -The clocks run down themselves. -</p> -</div></div></div> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_39' name='Page_39'>39</a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_38' name='Page_38'></a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_37' name='Page_37'></a></span> -</p> - -<h2> -THE GASTRONOMIC GUILE - -<br /> -<span class="s05"> -OF -</span> -<br /> - -SIMPLE SIMON - -</h2> -<hr class="l15" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<p class="i3"> - Conveniently near to where -</p> -<p class="i5"> - Young Simple Simon dwelt -</p> -<p class="i3"> - There was to be a county fair, -</p> -<p class="i5"> - And Simple Simon felt -</p> -<p class="i3"> - That to the fair he ought to go -</p> -<p class="i3"> - In all his Sunday clothes, and so, -</p> -<p class="i3"> - Determined to behold the show, -</p> -<p class="i5"> - He put them on and went. -</p> -<p> -(One-half his clothes was borrowed and the other half was lent.) -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p class="i3"> - He heard afar the cheerful sound -</p> -<p class="i5"> - Of horns that people blew, -</p> -<p class="i3"> - Saw wooden horses swing around -</p> -<p class="i5"> - A circle, two and two, -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_40' name='Page_40'>40</a></span> -</p> -<p class="i3"> - Beheld balloons arise, and if -</p> -<p class="i3"> - He scented with a gentle sniff -</p> -<p class="i3"> - The smells of pies, what is the dif- -</p> -<p class="i5"> - Ference to me or you? -</p> -<p> -(You cannot say my verse is false, because I know it's true.) -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p class="i3"> - As Simple Simon nearer came -</p> -<p class="i5"> - To these attractive smells, -</p> -<p class="i3"> - Avoiding every little game -</p> -<p class="i5"> - Men played with walnut shells, -</p> -<p class="i3"> - He felt a sudden longing rise. -</p> -<p class="i3"> - The sparkle in his eager eyes -</p> -<p class="i3"> - Betrayed the fact he yearned for pies: -</p> -<p class="i5"> - The eye the secret tells. -</p> -<p> -('Tis known the pie of county fairs all other pies excels.) -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p class="i3"> - So when he saw upon the road, -</p> -<p class="i5"> - Some fifty feet away, -</p> -<p class="i3"> - A pieman, Simple Simon strode -</p> -<p class="i5"> - Toward him, shouting: "Hey! -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_43' name='Page_43'>43</a></span> -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_42' name='Page_42'>42</a></span> -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_41' name='Page_41'>41</a></span> -</p> -<p class="i3"> - What kinds?" as lordly as a prince. -</p> -<p class="i3"> - The pieman said: "I've pumpkin, quince, -</p> -<p class="i3"> - Blueberry, lemon, peach, and mince:" -</p> -<p class="i5"> - And, showing his array, -</p> -<p> -He added: "Won't you try one, sir? They're very nice to-day." -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p class="i3"> - Now Simon's taste was most profuse, -</p> -<p class="i5"> - And so, by way of start, -</p> -<p class="i3"> - He ate two cakes, a Charlotte Russe, -</p> -<p class="i5"> - Six buns, the better part -</p> -<p class="i3"> - Of one big gingerbread, a pair -</p> -<p class="i3"> - Of lady-fingers, an eclair, -</p> -<p class="i3"> - And ten assorted pies, and there, -</p> -<p class="i5"> - His hand upon his heart, -</p> -<p> -He paused to choose between an apple dumpling and a tart. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p class="i3"> - Observing that upon his tray -</p> -<p class="i5"> - His goods were growing few, -</p> -<p class="i3"> - The pieman cried: "I beg to say -</p> -<p class="i5"> - That patrons such as you -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_44' name='Page_44'>44</a></span> -</p> -<p class="i3"> - One does not meet in many a moon. -</p> -<p class="i3"> - Pray, won't you try this macaroon?" -</p> -<p class="i3"> - But soon suspicious, changed his tune, -</p> -<p class="i5"> - Continuing: "What is due -</p> -<p> -I beg respectfully to add's a dollar twenty-two." -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p class="i3"> - Then Simple Simon put a curb -</p> -<p class="i5"> - Upon his appetite, -</p> -<p class="i3"> - And turning with an air superb -</p> -<p class="i5"> - He suddenly took flight, -</p> -<p class="i3"> - While o'er his shoulder this absurd -</p> -<p class="i3"> - And really most offensive word -</p> -<p class="i3"> - The trusting pieman shortly heard -</p> -<p class="i5"> - To soothe his bitter plight: -</p> -<p> -"Perhaps I should have said before your wares are out of sight." -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p class="i3"> - <span class="smcap">The moral</span> is a simple one, -</p> -<p class="i5"> - But still of consequence. -</p> -<p class="i3"> - We've seen that Simon's sense of fun -</p> -<p class="i5"> - Was almost too intense: -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_45' name='Page_45'>45</a></span> -</p> -<p class="i3"> - Though blaming his deceitful guise, -</p> -<p class="i3"> - We with the pieman sympathize, -</p> -<p class="i3"> - The latter we must criticize -</p> -<p class="i5"> - Because he was so dense: -</p> -<p> -He might have known from what he ate that Simon had no cents. -</p> -</div></div></div> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_46' name='Page_46'>46</a></span> -</p> -<div class='figcenter p6'> - <img src='images/illus03-550.jpg' width='354' height='550' - alt="NOW SIMON'S TASTES WERE MOST PROFUSE" - /> -<p class='caption'>"NOW SIMON'S TASTES WERE MOST PROFUSE"</p> -</div> - -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_47' name='Page_47'>47</a></span> -</p> - -<h2> -THE HARMONIOUS HEEDLESSNESS - -<br /> -<span class="s05"> -OF -</span> -<br /> - -LITTLE BOY BLUE - -</h2> -<hr class="l15" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<p> -Composing scales beside the rails -</p> -<p class="i1"> - That flanked a field of corn, -</p> -<p> -A farmer's boy with vicious joy -</p> -<p class="i1"> - Performed upon a horn: -</p> -<p> -The vagrant airs, the fragrant airs -</p> -<p class="i1"> - Around that field that strayed, -</p> -<p> -Took flight before the flagrant airs -</p> -<p class="i1"> - That noisome urchin played. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -He played with care "The Maiden's Prayer;" -</p> -<p class="i1"> - He played "God Save the Queen," -</p> -<p> -"<span lang="de_DE">Die Wacht am Rhein</span>," and "Auld Lang Syne," -</p> -<p class="i1"> - And "Wearing of the Green:" -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_48' name='Page_48'>48</a></span> -</p> -<p> -With futile toots, and brutal toots, -</p> -<p class="i1"> - And shrill chromatic scales, -</p> -<p> -And utterly inutile toots, -</p> -<p class="i1"> - And agonizing wails. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -The while he played, around him strayed, -</p> -<p class="i1"> - And calmly chewed the cud, -</p> -<p> -Some thirty-nine assorted kine, -</p> -<p class="i1"> - All ankle-deep in mud: -</p> -<p> -They stamped about and tramped about -</p> -<p class="i1"> - That mud, till all the troupe -</p> -<p> -Made noises, as they ramped about, -</p> -<p class="i1"> - Like school-boys eating soup. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -Till, growing bored, with one accord -</p> -<p class="i1"> - They broke the fence forlorn: -</p> -<p> -The field was doomed. The cows consumed -</p> -<p class="i1"> - Two-thirds of all the corn, -</p> -<p> -And viciously, maliciously, -</p> -<p class="i1"> - Went prancing o'er the loam. -</p> -<p> -That landscape expeditiously -</p> -<p class="i1"> - Resembled harvest-home. -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_49' name='Page_49'>49</a></span> -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -"Most idle ass of all your class," -</p> -<p class="i1"> - The farmer said with scorn: -</p> -<p> -"Just see my son, what you have done! -</p> -<p class="i1"> - The cows are in the corn!" -</p> -<p> -"Oh drat," he said, "the brat!" he said. -</p> -<p class="i1"> - The cowherd seemed to rouse. -</p> -<p> -"My friend, it's worse than that," he said. -</p> -<p class="i1"> - "The corn is in the cows." -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -<span class="smcap">The moral</span> lies before our eyes. -</p> -<p class="i1"> - When tending kine and corn, -</p> -<p> -Don't spend your noons in tooting tunes -</p> -<p class="i1"> - Upon a blatant horn: -</p> -<p> -Or scaling, and assailing, and -</p> -<p class="i1"> - With energy immense, -</p> -<p> -Your cows will take a railing, and -</p> -<p class="i1"> - The farmer take offense. -</p> -</div></div></div> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_53' name='Page_53'>53</a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_52' name='Page_52'></a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_51' name='Page_51'></a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_50' name='Page_50'></a></span> -</p> - -<h2> -THE INEXCUSABLE IMPROBITY - -<br /> -<span class="s05"> -OF -</span> -<br /> - -TOM, THE PIPER'S SON - -</h2> -<hr class="l15" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<p> -A Paris butcher kept a shop -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Upon the river's bank -</p> -<p> -Where you could buy a mutton chop -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Or two for half a franc. -</p> -<p> -The little shop was spruce and neat, -</p> -<p> -In view of all who trod the street -</p> -<p> -The decorated joints of meat -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Were hung up in a rank. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -This Gallic butcher led a life -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Of highly moral tone; -</p> -<p> -He never raised his voice in strife, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - He never drank alone: -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_54' name='Page_54'>54</a></span> -</p> -<p> -He simply sat outside his door -</p> -<p> -And slept from eight o'clock till four; -</p> -<p> -The more he slept, so much the more -</p> -<p class="i2"> - To slumber he was prone. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -One day outside his shop he put -</p> -<p class="i2"> - A pig he meant to stuff, -</p> -<p> -And carefully around each foot -</p> -<p class="i2"> - He pinned a paper ruff, -</p> -<p> -But, while a watch he should have kept, -</p> -<p> -His habit conquered, and he slept, -</p> -<p> -And for a thief who was adept -</p> -<p class="i2"> - That surely was enough. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -A Scottish piper dwelt near by, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Whose one ungracious son -</p> -<p> -Beheld that pig and murmured: "Why, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - No sooner said than done! -</p> -<p> -It seems to me that this I need." -</p> -<p> -And grasping it, with all his speed -</p> -<p> -Across the <span lang="fr_FR">Pont des Invalides</span> -</p> -<p class="i2"> - He started on a run. -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_55' name='Page_55'>55</a></span> -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -Then, turning sharply to the right, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Without a thought of risk, -</p> -<p> -He fled. 'Tis fair to call his flight -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Inordinately brisk. -</p> -<p> -But now the town was all astir, -</p> -<p> -In vain his feet he strove to spur, -</p> -<p> -They caught him, shouting: "<span lang="fr_FR">Au voleur!</span>" -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Beside the Obelisk. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -The breathless butcher cried: "<span lang="fr_FR">A mort</span>!" -</p> -<p class="i2"> - The crowd said: "<span lang="fr_FR">Conspuez</span>!" -</p> -<p> -And some: "A bas!" and half a score -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Responded: "<span lang="fr_FR">Vive l'armée</span>!" -</p> -<p> -While grim gendarmes with piercing eye, -</p> -<p> -And stern remarks about: "<span lang="fr_FR">Canaille</span>!" -</p> -<p> -The pig abstracted on the sly. -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Such is the Gallic way! -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -The piper's offspring, his defeat -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Deep-rooted in his heart, -</p> -<p> -A revolutionary sheet -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Proceeded then to start. -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_56' name='Page_56'>56</a></span> -</p> -<p> -Thenceforward every evening he -</p> -<p> -In leaders scathed the Ministry, -</p> -<p> -And wished he could accomplish the -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Return of Bonaparte. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -<span class="smcap">The moral</span> is that when the press -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Begins to rave and shout -</p> -<p> -It's often difficult to guess -</p> -<p class="i2"> - What it is all about. -</p> -<p> -The editor we strive to pin, -</p> -<p> -But we can never find him in. -</p> -<p> -What startling knowledge we should win -</p> -<p class="i2"> - If we could find him out! -</p> -</div></div></div> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_59' name='Page_59'>59</a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_58' name='Page_58'></a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_57' name='Page_57'></a></span> -</p> - -<h2> -THE JUDICIOUS JUDGMENT - -<br /> -<span class="s05"> -OF -</span> -<br /> - -QUITE CONTRARY MARY - -</h2> -<hr class="l15" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<p> -Though Mary had the kind of face -</p> -<p class="i2"> - The rudest wind would softly blow on; -</p> -<p> -Though she was full of simple grace, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Sweet, amiable, and kind, and so on; -</p> -<p> -I would not have you understand -</p> -<p class="i2"> - That she was meek. You'd be mistaken. -</p> -<p> -She worked out logarithms, and -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Her favorite essayist was Bacon. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -And, though not positive, I think -</p> -<p class="i2"> - She'd heard about Savonarola, -</p> -<p> -Had studied Maurice Maeterlinck, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - And read the works of Emile Zola, -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_60' name='Page_60'>60</a></span> -</p> -<p> -And Emerson's and some of Kant's, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - And all of mine and Shopenhauer's; -</p> -<p> -But still she cultivated plants, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - And spent her life in tending flowers. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -She had a little hedge of box, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Azalias, and a bed of tansy, -</p> -<p> -A double row of hollyhocks, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - And every different kind of pansy: -</p> -<p> -And, though so innocent of look, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - She'd lovers by the scores and dozens, -</p> -<p> -And learned, by talking with the cook, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - To tell her friends they were her cousins. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -The first was French, the second Greek, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - The third was born upon the Mersey, -</p> -<p> -The fourth one came from Mozambique, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - The fifth one from the Isle of Jersey. -</p> -<p> -I cannot tell about the rest, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - But, judging from their dress and faces, -</p> -<p> -They came from north, east, south, and west, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - But all of them from different places. -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_61' name='Page_61'>61</a></span> -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -Now, such was Mary's sense of pride, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Despite their fervent protestations, -</p> -<p> -Before she vowed to be a bride -</p> -<p class="i2"> - She set them all examinations: -</p> -<p> -She asked each one to tell the date -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Of Washington and Cleopatra, -</p> -<p> -Name Dickens' novels, and locate -</p> -<p class="i2"> - The site of Yonkers and Sumatra. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -But so it chanced that, from a score -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Of suitors resolute and haughty, -</p> -<p> -One gained a mark of sixty-four, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - And all the rest were under forty. -</p> -<p> -One swain alone the rest outclassed; -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Because of one audacious guess, he -</p> -<p> -This strict examination passed -</p> -<p class="i2"> - When Mary asked the date of Crécy. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -<span class="smcap">The moral</span> shows that when a maid -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Her life devotes unto a garden, -</p> -<p> -When horticultural skill's displayed -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Her heart she does not dare to harden. -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_62' name='Page_62'>62</a></span> -</p> -<p> -So crafty suitors, scorn the fates -</p> -<p class="i2"> - And you may lay this flattering balm to -</p> -<p> -Your souls; if you but get your dates -</p> -<p class="i2"> - The chances are you'll get the palm, too! -</p> -</div></div></div> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_65' name='Page_65'>65</a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_64' name='Page_64'></a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_63' name='Page_63'></a></span> -</p> - -<h2> -THE LINGUISTIC LANGUOR - -<br /> -<span class="s05"> -OF -</span> -<br /> - -CHARLES AUGUSTUS SPRAGUE - -</h2> -<hr class="l15" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<p> -A child of nature curious -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Was Charles Augustus Sprague; -</p> -<p> -He made his parents furious -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Because he was so vague: -</p> -<p> -Although his age was nearly two -</p> -<p> -Eleven words were all he knew, -</p> -<p> -These sounded much as sounds the Dutch -</p> -<p class="i2"> - That's spoken at The Hague. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -A few of his errata -</p> -<p class="i2"> - 'Tis just I should avow, -</p> -<p> -He called his mother "Tata," -</p> -<p class="i2"> - And "moo" he dubbed a cow, -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_66' name='Page_66'>66</a></span> -</p> -<p> -Nor was it altogether plain -</p> -<p> -Why "choo-choo" meant a railway train. -</p> -<p> -He called a cat "miouw," and that -</p> -<p class="i2"> - No purist would allow. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -Within his father's orchard -</p> -<p class="i2"> - There stood, for all to see, -</p> -<p> -With branches bent and tortured, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - An ancient apple tree: -</p> -<p> -That Charles Augustus Sprague might drowse -</p> -<p> -His mother on its swaying boughs -</p> -<p> -His cradle hung, and, while it swung, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - She sang with energy. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -A sudden blow arising -</p> -<p class="i2"> - One day, the branches broke, -</p> -<p> -With suddenness surprising -</p> -<p class="i2"> - The sleeping babe awoke, -</p> -<p> -And crashing down to earth he fell. -</p> -<p> -Ah me, that I should have to tell -</p> -<p> -The words that mild and genial child -</p> -<p class="i2"> - On this occasion spoke! -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_67' name='Page_67'>67</a></span> -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -His face convulsed and chequered -</p> -<p class="i2"> - With passion and with tears, -</p> -<p> -He blotted out the record -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Of both his speechless years: -</p> -<p> -His mother stupefied, aghast, -</p> -<p> -Heard Charles Augustus speak at last; -</p> -<p> -He opened wide his mouth and cried -</p> -<p class="i2"> - These ill conditioned sneers. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -"<span lang="fr_FR">Sapristi! Accidente!</span> -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Perchance my speech is late, -</p> -<p> -But, be she two or twenty, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - A nincompoop I hate! -</p> -<p> -What idiot said that woman's 'planned -</p> -<p> -To warn, to comfort, and command?'" -</p> -<p> -His words I quench. Excuse my French— -</p> -<p class="i2"> - <span lang="fr_FR">Je dis que tu m'embêtes!</span> -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -<span class="smcap">The moral</span>: Common clocks, we find, -</p> -<p> -In silence take a sudden wind, -</p> -<p> -But only heroes, as we know, -</p> -<p> -In silence take a sudden blow. -</p> -</div></div></div> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_71' name='Page_71'>71</a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_70' name='Page_70'></a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_69' name='Page_69'></a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_68' name='Page_68'></a></span> -</p> - -<h2> -THE MYSTERIOUS MISAPPREHENSION - -<br /> -<span class="s05"> -CONCERNING -</span> -<br /> - -A MAN IN OUR TOWN - -</h2> -<hr class="l15" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<p> -There was a man in our town, -</p> -<p class="i1"> -Half beggar, half rapscallion, -</p> -<p> -Who, just because his eyes were brown, -</p> -<p class="i1"> -Was thought to be Italian: -</p> -<p> -And, though with much insistence -</p> -<p class="i1"> -He said that people erred, -</p> -<p> -And bitterly to Italy -</p> -<p class="i1"> -He frequently referred, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - The false report, as is the way -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Of false reports, had come to stay! -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -So every one who'd been to Rome -</p> -<p class="i1"> -By aid of Cook's or Gaze's, -</p> -<p> -Would call upon him at his home -</p> -<p class="i1"> -To flaunt Italian phrases. -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_72' name='Page_72'>72</a></span> -</p> -<p> -"<span lang="it_IT">Capite Questa lingua?</span>" -</p> -<p> -The inquiry would be: -</p> -<p> -"<span lang="it_IT">Pochissimo? Benissimo!</span> -</p> -<p> -<span lang="it_IT">Vi prego, ditemi,</span> -</p> -<p class="i1"> -<span lang="it_IT">Siete voi contento qua,</span> -</p> -<p class="i1"> -<span lang="it_IT">Lontano dall'Italia?</span>" -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -The victim, plunged in deep disgust, -</p> -<p class="i1"> -Grew nervous, could not slumber; -</p> -<p> -Said he, "I'm called Italian, just -</p> -<p class="i1"> -Because my eyes are umber, -</p> -<p> -And if this persecution -</p> -<p class="i1"> -Is ever to be stopped, -</p> -<p> -Some stern and stoic, hard, heroic -</p> -<p class="i1"> -Course I must adopt!" -</p> -<p class="i2"> - And so, to everyone's surprise, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - He calmly scratched out both his eyes! -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -The neighbors said: "So strange a thing -</p> -<p class="i1"> -Might seem to be an omen. -</p> -<p> -We <i>thought</i> his wits were wandering, -</p> -<p class="i1"> -But now we <i>know</i> they're Roman!" -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_73' name='Page_73'>73</a></span> -</p> -<p> -And so at him by legions, -</p> -<p class="i1"> -By bevies, hosts, and herds, -</p> -<p> -Professors, purists, tramps, and tourists -</p> -<p class="i1"> -Screamed Italian words. -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Perceiving all he'd done was vain, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - He scratched his eyesight in again. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -<span class="smcap">The moral</span>: If your neighbors say -</p> -<p class="i1"> -You're one thing or another, -</p> -<p> -You'll find there isn't any way -</p> -<p class="i1"> -Their prejudice to smother. -</p> -<p> -What matter if they think you -</p> -<p class="i1"> -From Italy or Greece? -</p> -<p> -I beg you, treasure no displeasure: -</p> -<p class="i1"> -Bow and hold your peace. -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Like Omar, underneath the bow -</p> -<p class="i2"> - You'll find there's paradise enow! -</p> -</div></div></div> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_77' name='Page_77'>77</a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_76' name='Page_76'></a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_75' name='Page_75'></a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_74' name='Page_74'></a></span> -</p> - -<h2> -THE OPPORTUNE OVERTHROW - -<br /> -<span class="s05"> -OF -</span> -<br /> - -HUMPTY DUMPTY - -</h2> -<hr class="l15" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<p> -Upon a wall of medium height -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Bombastically sat -</p> -<p> -A boastful boy, and he was quite -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Unreasonably fat: -</p> -<p> -And what aroused a most intense -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Disgust in passers-by -</p> -<p> -Was his abnormal impudence -</p> -<p class="i2"> - In hailing them with "Hi!" -</p> -<p> -While by his kicks he loosened bricks -</p> -<p class="i2"> - The girls to terrify. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -When thus for half an hour or more -</p> -<p class="i2"> - He'd played his idle tricks, -</p> -<p> -And wounded something like a score -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Of people with the bricks, -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_78' name='Page_78'>78</a></span> -</p> -<p> -A man who kept a fuel shop -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Across from where he sat -</p> -<p> -Remarked: "Well, this has got to stop." -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Then, snatching up his hat, -</p> -<p> -And sallying out, began to shout: -</p> -<p class="i2"> - "Look here! Come down from that!" -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -The boastful boy to laugh began, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - As laughs a vapid clown, -</p> -<p> -And cried: "It takes a bigger man -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Than you to call me down! -</p> -<p> -This wall is smooth, this wall is high, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - And safe from every one. -</p> -<p> -No acrobat could do what I -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Had been and gone and done!" -</p> -<p> -Though this reviled, the other smiled, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - And said: "Just wait, my son!" -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -Then to the interested throng -</p> -<p class="i2"> - That watched across the way -</p> -<p> -He showed with smiling face a long -</p> -<p class="i2"> - And slender Henry Clay, -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_79' name='Page_79'>79</a></span> -</p> -<p> -Remarking: "In upon my shelves -</p> -<p class="i2"> - All kinds of coal there are. -</p> -<p> -Step in, my friends, and help yourselves. -</p> -<p class="i2"> - And he who first can jar -</p> -<p> -That wretched urchin off his perch -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Will get this good cigar." -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -The throng this task did not disdain, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - But threw with heart and soul, -</p> -<p> -Till round the youth there raged a rain -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Of lumps of cannel-coal. -</p> -<p> -He dodged for all that he was worth, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Till one bombarder deft -</p> -<p> -Triumphant brought him down to earth, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Of vanity bereft. -</p> -<p> -"I see," said he, "that this is the -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Coal day when I get left." -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -<span class="smcap">The moral</span> is that fuel can -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Become the tool of fate -</p> -<p> -When thrown upon a little man, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Instead of on a grate. -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_80' name='Page_80'>80</a></span> -</p> -<p> -This story proves that when a brat -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Imagines he's admired, -</p> -<p> -And acts in such a fashion that -</p> -<p class="i2"> - He makes his neighbors tired, -</p> -<p> -That little fool, who's much too cool; -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Gets warmed when coal is fired. -</p> -</div></div></div> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_81' name='Page_81'>81</a></span> -</p> -<div class='figcenter p6'> - <img src='images/illus04-550.jpg' width='357' height='550' - alt="WHILE BY KICKS HE LOOSENED BRICKS" - /> -<p class='caption'>"WHILE BY KICKS HE LOOSENED BRICKS"</p> -</div> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_83' name='Page_83'>83</a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_82' name='Page_82'></a></span> -</p> - -<h2> -THE PREPOSTEROUS PERFORMANCE - -<br /> -<span class="s05"> -OF -</span> -<br /> - -AN OLD LADY OF BANBURY - -</h2> -<hr class="l15" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<p> -Within a little attic a retiring, but erratic -</p> -<p class="i1"> -Old lady (six-and-eighty, to be frank), -</p> -<p> -Made sauces out of cranberry for all the town -</p> -<p class="i5"> -of Banbury, -</p> -<p class="i1"> -Depositing the proceeds in the bank. -</p> -<p> -Her tendency to thriftiness, her scorn of any -</p> -<p class="i5"> -shiftiness -</p> -<p class="i1"> -Built a bustling business, and in course -</p> -<p> -Of time her secret yearnings were revealed, -</p> -<p class="i5"> -and all her earnings -</p> -<p class="i1"> -She squandered in the purchase of a horse. -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_84' name='Page_84'>84</a></span> -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -"I am not in a hurry for a waggonette or -</p> -<p class="i5"> -surrey," -</p> -<p class="i1"> -She said. "In fact, I much prefer to ride." -</p> -<p> -And spite of all premonishment, to everyone's -</p> -<p class="i5"> -astonishment, -</p> -<p class="i1"> -The gay old lady did so—and astride! -</p> -<p> -Now this was most periculous, but, what was -</p> -<p class="i5"> -more ridiculous, -</p> -<p class="i1"> -The horse she bought had pulled a car, -</p> -<p class="i5"> -and so, -</p> -<p> -The lazy steed to cheer up, she'd a bell upon -</p> -<p class="i5"> -her stirrup, -</p> -<p class="i1"> -And rang it twice to make the creature go! -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -I blush the truth to utter, but it seems a -</p> -<p class="i5"> -pound of butter -</p> -<p class="i1"> -And thirty eggs she had to sell. Of course, -</p> -<p> -In scorn of ways pedestrian, this fatuous -</p> -<p class="i5"> -equestrian -</p> -<p class="i1"> -To market gaily started on the horse. -</p> -<p> -Becoming too importunate to hasten, the un— -</p> -<p class="i5"> -fortunate -</p> -<p class="i1"> -Old lady plied her charger with a birch. -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_85' name='Page_85'>85</a></span> -</p> -<p> -In view of all her cronies, this stupidest of -</p> -<p class="i5"> -ponies -</p> -<p class="i1"> -Fell flat before the Presbyterian church! -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -If it should chance that one set a red Italian -</p> -<p class="i5"> -sunset -</p> -<p class="i1"> -Beside a Beardsley poster, and a plaid -</p> -<p> -Like any canny Highlander's beside a Fiji -</p> -<p class="i5"> -Islander's -</p> -<p class="i1"> -Most variegated costume, and should add -</p> -<p> -A Turner composition, and with clever intuition, -</p> -<p class="i1"> -To cap the climax, pile upon them all -</p> -<p> -The aurora borealis, then veracity, not malice, -</p> -<p class="i1"> -Might claim a close resemblance to her fall. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -At sight of her disaster, with arnica and plaster -</p> -<p class="i1"> -The neighbors ran up eagerly to aid. -</p> -<p> -They cried: "Don't do that offen, ma'am, or -</p> -<p class="i5"> -you will need a coffin, ma'am, -</p> -<p class="i1"> -You've hurt your solar plexus, we're afraid. -</p> -<p> -We hope your martyrdom'll let you notice -</p> -<p class="i5"> -what an omelette -</p> -<p class="i1"> -You've made in half a jiffy. It is great!" -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_86' name='Page_86'>86</a></span> -</p> -<p> -She only clutched her bonnet (she had fallen -</p> -<p class="i5"> -flat upon it), -</p> -<p class="i1"> -And answered: "Will you tell me if it's -</p> -<p class="i5"> -straight?" -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -<span class="smcap">The moral's</span> rather curious: for often the -</p> -<p class="i5"> -penurious -</p> -<p class="i1"> -Are apt to think old horses of account -</p> -<p> -If you would ride, then seek fine examples of -</p> -<p class="i5"> -the equine, -</p> -<p class="i1"> -And don't look on a molehill as a mount. -</p> -</div></div></div> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_89' name='Page_89'>89</a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_88' name='Page_88'></a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_87' name='Page_87'></a></span> -</p> - -<h2> -THE QUIXOTIC QUEST - -<br /> -<span class="s05"> -OF -</span> -<br /> - -THREE BLIND MICE - -</h2> -<hr class="l15" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<p> -A maiden mouse of an arrogant mind -</p> -<p> -Had three little swains and all were blind. -</p> -<p> -The reason for this I do not know, -</p> -<p> -But I think it was love that made them so, -</p> -<p> -For without demur they bowed to her, -</p> -<p> -Though she treated them all with a high hauteur. -</p> -<p> -She ruled them, schooled them, frequently fooled them, -</p> -<p> -Snubbed, tormented, and ridiculed them: -</p> -<p> -Mice as a rule are much like men, -</p> -<p> -So they swallowed their pride and called again. -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_90' name='Page_90'>90</a></span> -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -The maiden mouse of an arrogant mind -</p> -<p> -To morbid romance was much inclined. -</p> -<p> -The reason for this I have not learned, -</p> -<p> -But I think by novels her head was turned. -</p> -<p> -She said that the chap who dared to nap -</p> -<p> -One hour inside of the farmer's trap -</p> -<p> -Might gain her, reign her, wholly enchain her, -</p> -<p> -Woo her, win her, and thence retain her! -</p> -<p> -Hope ran high in each suitor's breast, -</p> -<p> -And all determined to stand the test. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -The maiden mouse of an arrogant mind -</p> -<p> -Laughed when she saw them thus confined. -</p> -<p> -The reason for this I can't proclaim, -</p> -<p> -But I know some girls who'd have done the same! -</p> -<p> -As thus they kept to their word, and slept, -</p> -<p> -The farmer's wife to the pantry stept: -</p> -<p> -She sought them, caught them, carefully brought them -</p> -<p> -Out to the light, and there she taught them -</p> -<p> -How that chivalry often fails, -</p> -<p> -By calmly cutting off all their tails! -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_91' name='Page_91'>91</a></span> -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -The maiden mouse of an arrogant mind -</p> -<p> -Treated her swains in a way unkind. -</p> -<p> -The reason for this is not complex: -</p> -<p> -That's always the way with the tender sex. -</p> -<p> -With impudent hails she cried: "What ails -</p> -<p> -You all, and where are your splendid tails?" -</p> -<p> -She jeered so, sneered so, flouted and fleered so, -</p> -<p> -Giggled, and altogether appeared so -</p> -<p> -Lacking in heart, that her slaves grew bored, -</p> -<p> -And threw up the sponge of their own accord. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -The maiden mouse of an arrogant mind -</p> -<p> -Watched and waited, and peaked and pined. -</p> -<p> -The reason for this, I beg to state, -</p> -<p> -Is all summed up in the words <span class="smcap">Too Late</span>! -</p> -<p> -<span class="smcap">The moral</span> intwined is: Love is blind, -</p> -<p> -But he never leaves all his wits behind: -</p> -<p> -You may beat him, cheat him, often defeat him, -</p> -<p> -Though he be true with torture treat him: -</p> -<p> -One of these days you'll be bereft, -</p> -<p> -You think you're right, but you'll find you're left. -</p> -</div></div></div> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_95' name='Page_95'>95</a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_94' name='Page_94'></a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_93' name='Page_93'></a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_92' name='Page_92'></a></span> -</p> - -<h2> -THE REMARKABLE REGIMEN - -<br /> -<span class="s05"> -OF -</span> -<br /> - -THE SPRAT FAMILY - -</h2> -<hr class="l15" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<p> -The Sprats were four in number, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Including twins in kilts: -</p> -<p> -All day Jack carted lumber, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - All day his wife made quilts. -</p> -<p> -Thus heartlessly neglected -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Twelve hours in twenty-four, -</p> -<p> -As might have been expected, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - The twins sat on the floor: -</p> -<p> -And all the buttons, I should state, -</p> -<p> -They chanced to find, they promptly ate. -</p> -<p class="i2"> - This was not meat, but still it's true -</p> -<p class="i2"> - We did the same when we were two. -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_96' name='Page_96'>96</a></span> -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -The wife (whose name was Julia) -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Maintained an ample board, -</p> -<p> -But one thing was peculiar, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Lean meat she quite abhorred. -</p> -<p> -Here also should be stated -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Another fact: 'tis that -</p> -<p> -Her spouse abominated -</p> -<p class="i2"> - The very taste of fat. -</p> -<p> -This contrast curious of taste -</p> -<p> -Precluded any thought of waste, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - For all they left of any meal -</p> -<p class="i2"> - No self-respecting dog would steal. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -No generous <i><span lang="fr_FR">table d'hôte</span></i> meal, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - No dainties packed in tins, -</p> -<p> -But only bowls of oatmeal -</p> -<p class="i2"> - They gave the wretched twins; -</p> -<p> -And yet like princes pampered -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Had lived those babes accursed, -</p> -<p> -Could they have fed unhampered:— -</p> -<p class="i2"> - I have not told the worst! -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_97' name='Page_97'>97</a></span> -</p> -<p> -Since nothing from the dining-room -</p> -<p> -Was left to feed the cook and groom, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - It seems that these domestics cruel -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Were led to steal the children's gruel! -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -The twins, all hopes resigning, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - And wounded to the core, -</p> -<p> -Confined themselves to dining -</p> -<p class="i2"> - On buttons off the floor. -</p> -<p> -No passionate resentment -</p> -<p class="i2"> - The docile babes displayed: -</p> -<p> -Each day in calm contentment -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Three hearty meals they made. -</p> -<p> -And daily Jack and Mrs. Sprat -</p> -<p> -Ate all the lean and all the fat, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - And every day the groom and cook -</p> -<p class="i2"> - The children's meal contrived to hook. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -But when the twins grew older, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - As twins are apt to do, -</p> -<p> -And, shoulder touching shoulder, -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Sat Sundays in their pew. -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_98' name='Page_98'>98</a></span> -</p> -<p> -They saw no Christian glory -</p> -<p class="i2"> - In parting with a dime, -</p> -<p> -And in the offertory -</p> -<p class="i2"> - Dropped buttons every time. -</p> -<p> -Said they: "What's good enough for Sprats -</p> -<p> -Is good enough for heathen brats." -</p> -<p class="i2"> - (I most sincerely wish I knew -</p> -<p class="i2"> - What was the heathen's point of view.) -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -<span class="smcap">The moral</span>: Anecdotes abound -</p> -<p> -Of buttons in collections found. -</p> -<p> -Thus on the wheels of progress go, -</p> -<p> -And heathens reap what Christians sew! -</p> -</div></div></div> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_101' name='Page_101'>101</a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_100' name='Page_100'></a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_99' name='Page_99'></a></span> -</p> - -<h2> -THE SINGULAR SANGFROID - -<br /> -<span class="s05"> -OF -</span> -<br /> - -BABY BUNTING - -</h2> -<hr class="l15" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<p> -Bartholomew Benjamin Bunting -</p> -<p class="i2"> -Had only three passions in life, -</p> -<p> -And one of the trio was hunting, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -The others his babe and his wife: -</p> -<p> -And always, so rigid his habits, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -He frolicked at home until two, -</p> -<p> -And then started hunting for rabbits, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -And hunted till fall of the dew. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -Belinda Bellonia Bunting, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -Thus widowed for half of the day, -</p> -<p> -Her duty maternal confronting, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -With baby would patiently play. -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_102' name='Page_102'>102</a></span> -</p> -<p> -When thus was her energy wasted -</p> -<p class="i2"> -A patented food she'd dispense. -</p> -<p> -(She had bought it the day that they pasted -</p> -<p class="i2"> -The posters all over her fence.) -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -But Bonaparte Buckingham Bunting, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -The infant thus blindly adored, -</p> -<p> -Replied to her worship by grunting, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -Which showed he was brutally bored. -</p> -<p> -'Twas little he cared for the troubles -</p> -<p class="i2"> -Of life. Like a crab on the sands, -</p> -<p> -From his sweet little mouth he blew bubbles, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -And threatened the air with his hands. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -Bartholomew Benjamin Bunting -</p> -<p class="i2"> -One night, as his wife let him in, -</p> -<p> -Produced as the fruit of his hunting -</p> -<p class="i2"> -A cottontail's velvety skin, -</p> -<p> -Which, seeing young Bonaparte wriggle, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -He gave him without a demur, -</p> -<p> -And the babe with an aqueous giggle -</p> -<p class="i2"> -He swallowed the whole of the fur! -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_103' name='Page_103'>103</a></span> -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -Belinda Bellonia Bunting -</p> -<p class="i2"> -Behaved like a consummate loon: -</p> -<p> -Her offspring in frenzy confronting -</p> -<p class="i2"> -She screamed herself mottled maroon: -</p> -<p> -She felt of his vertebræ spinal, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -Expecting he'd surely succumb, -</p> -<p> -And gave him one vigorous, final, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -Hard prod in the pit of his tum. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -But Bonaparte Buckingham Bunting, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -At first but a trifle perplexed, -</p> -<p> -By a change in his manner of grunting -</p> -<p class="i2"> -Soon showed he was terribly vexed. -</p> -<p> -He displayed not a sign of repentance -</p> -<p class="i2"> -But spoke, in a dignified tone, -</p> -<p> -The only consecutive sentence -</p> -<p class="i2"> -He uttered. 'Twas: "Lemme alone." -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -<span class="smcap">The Moral</span>: The parent that uses -</p> -<p class="i2"> -Precaution his folly regrets: -</p> -<p> -An infant gets all that he chooses, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -An infant chews all that he gets. -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_104' name='Page_104'>104</a></span> -</p> -<p> -And colics? He constantly has 'em -</p> -<p class="i2"> -So long as his food is the best, -</p> -<p> -But he'll swallow with never a spasm -</p> -<p class="i2"> -What ostriches couldn't digest! -</p> -</div></div></div> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_107' name='Page_107'>107</a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_106' name='Page_106'></a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_105' name='Page_105'></a></span> -</p> - -<h2> -THE TOUCHING TENDERNESS - -<br /> -<span class="s05"> -OF -</span> -<br /> - -KING KARL THE FIRST - -</h2> -<hr class="l15" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<p> -For hunger and thirst King Karl the First -</p> -<p class="i2"> -Had a stoical, stern disdain: -</p> -<p> -The food that he ordered consistently bordered -</p> -<p class="i2"> -On what is described as plain. -</p> -<p> -Much trouble his cook ambitiously took -</p> -<p class="i2"> -To tickle his frugal taste, -</p> -<p> -But all of his savoury science and slavery -</p> -<p class="i2"> -Ended in naught but waste. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -Said the steward: "The thing to tempt the King -</p> -<p class="i2"> -And charm his indifferent eye -</p> -<p> -No doubt is a tasty, delectable pasty. -</p> -<p class="i2"> -Make him a blackbird pie!" -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_108' name='Page_108'>108</a></span> -</p> -<p> -The cook at these words baked twenty-four birds, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -And set them before the King, -</p> -<p> -And the two dozen odious, bold, and melodious -</p> -<p class="i2"> -Singers began to sing. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -The King in surprise said: "Dozens of pies -</p> -<p class="i2"> -In the course of our life we've tried, -</p> -<p> -But never before us was served up a chorus -</p> -<p class="i2"> -Like this that we hear inside!" -</p> -<p> -With a thunderous look he ordered the cook -</p> -<p class="i2"> -And the steward before him brought, -</p> -<p> -And with a beatified smile: "He is satisfied!" -</p> -<p class="i2"> -Both of these innocents thought. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -"Of sinners the worst," said Karl the First, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -"Is the barbarous ruffian that -</p> -<p> -A song-bird would slaughter, unless for his daughter -</p> -<p class="i2"> -Or wife he is trimming a hat. -</p> -<p> -We'll punish you so for the future you'll know -</p> -<p class="i2"> -That from mercy you can't depart. -</p> -<p> -Observe that your lenient, kind, intervenient -</p> -<p class="i2"> -King has a tender heart!" -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_109' name='Page_109'>109</a></span> -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -He saw that the cook in a neighboring brook -</p> -<p class="i2"> -Was drowned (as he quite deserved), -</p> -<p> -And he ordered the steward at once to be skewered. -</p> -<p class="i2"> -(The steward was much unnerved.) -</p> -<p> -"It's a curious thing," said the merciful King, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -"That monarchs so tender are, -</p> -<p> -So oft we're affected that we have suspected that -</p> -<p class="i2"> -We are too kind by far." -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -<span class="smcap">The moral</span>: The mercy of men and of Kings -</p> -<p> -Are apt to be wholly dissimilar things. -</p> -<p> -In spite of "The Merchant of Venice," we're pained -</p> -<p> -To note that the quality's sometimes strained. -</p> -</div></div></div> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_111' name='Page_111'>111</a></span> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_110' name='Page_110'></a></span> -</p> -<div class='figcenter p6'> - - <img src='images/illus05.jpg' width='550' height='445' - alt="HE PLUCKED HIM WITH RELENTLESS FROWN" - /> -<p class='caption'>"SHE PLUCKED HIM WITH RELENTLESS FROWN"</p> -</div> - -<h2> -THE UNUSUAL UBIQUITY - -<br /> -<span class="s05"> -OF -</span> -<br /> - -THE INQUISITIVE GANDER - -</h2> -<hr class="l15" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<p> -A gander dwelt upon a farm -</p> -<p class="i2"> -And no one could resist him, -</p> -<p> -For had he died, such was his charm, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -His neighbors would have missed him: -</p> -<p> -His scorn for any loud display, -</p> -<p> -His cheerful hissing day by day, -</p> -<p> -Would win your heart in such a way -</p> -<p class="i2"> -You almost could have kissed him. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -This bird was always nosing 'round. -</p> -<p class="i2"> -Most patiently he waited -</p> -<p> -Until an open door he found, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -And then investigated. -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_112' name='Page_112'>112</a></span> -</p> -<p> -He loved to poke, he loved to peek, -</p> -<p> -In every knothole, so to speak, -</p> -<p> -He quickly thrust his prying beak, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -For what was hid he hated. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -The farm exhausted: "Now," said he: -</p> -<p class="i2"> -"My policy's expansion. -</p> -<p> -When one's convinced how things should be -</p> -<p class="i2"> -The proper course he can't shun. -</p> -<p> -His mind made up, he followed it, -</p> -<p> -Relying on his native wit, -</p> -<p> -And soon had wandered, bit by bit, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -Through all his master's mansion. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -"At least," he said: "It's not my fault -</p> -<p class="i2"> -If everything's not seen to: -</p> -<p> -I've gone from garret down to vault, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -And glanced into the lean-to. -</p> -<p> -In every room I've chanced to stop; -</p> -<p> -A supervising glance to drop, -</p> -<p> -I've looked below, I've looked on top, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -Behind, and in between, too!" -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_113' name='Page_113'>113</a></span> -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -One thing alone he found to blame, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -As thus his time he squandered, -</p> -<p> -For, seeing not the farmer's dame, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -Into her room he wandered, -</p> -<p> -And mounting nimbly on the bed: -</p> -<p> -"Why, bless my careful soul!" he said: -</p> -<p> -"These pillows are as hard as lead. -</p> -<p class="i2"> -Now, how comes that?" he pondered. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -The farmer's dame for half an hour -</p> -<p class="i2"> -Had watched the bird meander, -</p> -<p> -And finding him within her power, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -She leaped upon the gander. -</p> -<p> -"Why, how de do, my gander coy?" -</p> -<p> -She shouted: "What will be my joy -</p> -<p> -To dream to-night on you, my boy!" -</p> -<p class="i2"> -(This was no baseless slander.) -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -For with a stoutish piece of string -</p> -<p class="i2"> -Securely was this fool tied, -</p> -<p> -And by a leg and by a wing -</p> -<p class="i2"> -Unto an oaken stool tied: -</p> -<p> -<span class='pagenum'><a id='Page_114' name='Page_114'>114</a></span> -</p> -<p> -While, pinning towels around her gown, -</p> -<p> -She plucked him with relentless frown, -</p> -<p> -And stuffed the pillows with his down, -</p> -<p class="i2"> -And roasted him for Yuletide. -</p> - -</div><div class="stanza"> -<p> -<span class="smcap">The moral</span> is: When you explore -</p> -<p class="i2"> -Don't try to be superior: -</p> -<p> -Be cautious, and retire before -</p> -<p class="i2"> -Your safety grows inferior. -</p> -<p> -'Tis best to stay upon the coast, -</p> -<p> -Or some day you will be like most -</p> -<p> -Of all that bold exploring host -</p> -<p class="i2"> -That's gone to the interior. -</p> -</div></div></div> - -<p class="center b11"> -THE END -</p> - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's Mother Goose for Grown-ups, by Guy Wetmore Carryl - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MOTHER GOOSE FOR GROWN-UPS *** - -***** This file should be named 50310-h.htm or 50310-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/0/3/1/50310/ - -Produced by Suzanne Shell, Melissa McDaniel, and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) - 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