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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..60cb87c --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #51962 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/51962) diff --git a/old/51962-8.txt b/old/51962-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index a439d56..0000000 --- a/old/51962-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,4256 +0,0 @@ -Project Gutenberg's Bill Nye's Sparks, by Edgar Wilson Nye AKA Bill Nye - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: Bill Nye's Sparks - -Author: Edgar Wilson Nye AKA Bill Nye - -Release Date: May 2, 2016 [EBook #51962] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BILL NYE'S SPARKS *** - - - - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - - - - - - - - -BILL NYE'S SPARKS - -By Edgar Wilson Nye (Bill Nye) - -F. TENNYSON NEELY PUBLISHER - -New York and Chicago - -1896 - -[Illustration: 0001] - -[Illustration: 0009] - - - - -BIOGRAPHICAL - -Edgar Wilson Nye was whole-souled, big-hearted and genial. Those who -knew him lost sight of the humorist in the wholesome friend. - -He was born August 25, 1850, in Shirley, Piscataquis County, Maine. -Poverty of resources drove the family to St. Croix Valley, Wisconsin, -where they hoped to be able to live under conditions less severe. After -receiving a meager schooling, he entered a lawyer's office where most -of his work consisted in sweeping the office and running errands. In his -idle moments the lawyer's library was at his service. Of this crude and -desultory reading he afterward wrote: - -"I could read the same passage today that I did yesterday and it would -seem as fresh at the second reading as it did at the first. On the -following day I could read it again and it would seem as new and -mysterious as it did on the preceding day." - -At the age of twenty-five, he was teaching a district school in Polk -County, Wisconsin, at thirty dollars a month. In 1877 he was justice of -the peace in Laramie. Of that experience he wrote: - -"It was really pathetic to see the poor little miserable booth where -I sat and waited with numb fingers for business. But I did not see the -pathos which clung to every cobweb and darkened the rattling casement. -Possibly I did not know enough. I forgot to say the office was not a -salaried one, but solely dependent upon fees. So while I was called -Judge Nye and frequently mentioned in the papers with consideration, I -was out of coal half the time, and once could not mail my letters for -three weeks because I did not have the necessary postage." - -He wrote some letters to the Cheyenne _Sun_ and soon made such a -reputation for himself that he was able to obtain a position on the -Laramie _Sentinel_. Of this experience he wrote: - -"The salary was small, but the latitude was great, and I was permitted -to write anything that I thought would please the people, whether it was -news or not. By and by I had won every heart by my patient poverty and -my delightful parsimony with regards to facts. With a hectic imagination -and an order on a restaurant which advertised in the paper I scarcely -cared through the livelong day whether school kept or not." - -Of the proprietor of the _Sentinel_ he wrote: - -"I don't know whether he got into the penitentiary or the Greenback -party. At any rate he was the wickedest man in Wyoming. Still, he was -warm-hearted and generous to a fault. He was more generous to a fault -than to anything else--more especially his own faults. He gave me -twelve dollars a week to edit the paper--local, telegraph, selections, -religious, sporting, political, fashions, and obituary. He said twelve -dollars was too much, but if I would jerk the press occasionally and -take care of his children he would try to stand it. You can't mix -politics and measles. I saw that I would have to draw the line at -measles. So one day I drew my princely salary and quit, having acquired -a style of fearless and independent journalism which I still retain. -I can write up things that never occurred with a masterly and graphic -hand. Then, if they occur, I am grateful; if not, I bow to the -inevitable and smother my chagrin." - -In the midst of a wrangle in politics he was appointed postmaster of his -town and his letter of acceptance, addressed to the Postmaster-General -at Washington, was the first of his writings to attract national -attention. - -He said that, in his opinion, his being selected for the office was a -triumph of eternal right over error and wrong. "It is one of the epochs, -I may say, in the nation's onward march toward political purity and -perfection," he wrote. "I don't know when I have noticed any stride -in the affairs of state which has so thoroughly impressed me with its -wisdom." - -Shortly after he became postmaster he started the _Boomerang_. The -first office of the paper was over a livery stable and Nye put up a sign -instructing callers to "twist the tail of the gray mule and take the -elevator." - -He at once became famous and was soon brought to New York, at a salary -that seemed fabulous to him. His place among the humorists of the world -was thenceforth assured. - -He died February 22,1896, at his home in North Carolina, surrounded by -his family. - -James Whitcomb Riley, the Hoosier poet, was for many years a close -personal friend of the dead humorist. When informed of Nye's death, he -said: "Especially favored, as for years I have been, with close personal -acquaintance and association with Mr. Nye, his going away fills me with -selfishness of grief that finds a mute rebuke in my every memory of him. -He was unselfish wholly, and I am broken-hearted, recalling the always -patient strength and gentleness of this true man, the unfailing hope and -cheer and faith of his child-heart, his noble and heroic life, and pure -devotion to his home his deep affections, constant dreams, plans and -realizations. I cannot doubt but that somehow, somewhere, he continues -cheerily on in the unbroken exercise of these same capacities." - -Mr. Riley recently wrote the following sonnet:= - -``O William, in thy blithe companionship - -```What liberty is mine--what sweet release - -```From clamourous strife, and yet, what boisterous peace! - -``Ho! ho! It is thy fancy's finger tip - -``That dints the dimple now, and kinks the lip - -```That scarce may sing in all this glad increase - -```Of merriment! So, pray thee, do not cease - -``To cheer me thus, for underneath the quip - -``Of thy droll sorcery the wrangling fret - -```Of all distress is still. No syllable - -``Of sorrow vexeth me, no tear drops wet - -```My teeming lids, save those that leap to tell - -``Thee thou'st a guest that overweepeth yet - -```Only because thou jokest overwell.= - - - - -BILL NYE'S SPARKS - - - - -REQUESTING A REMITTANCE - -[Personal.] - -Washington, D. C. - -Along toward morning, 1887. - -_Cashier World Office_, New York.-- - -|MY DEAR SIR: You will doubtless be surprised to hear from me so soon, -as I did not promise when I left New York that I would write you at all -while here. But now I take pen in hand to say that the Senate and House -of Representatives are having a good deal of fun with me, and hope you -are enjoying the same great blessing. You will wonder at first why I -send in my expense account before I send in anything for the paper, but -I will explain that to you when I get back. At first I thought I would -not bother with the expense account till I got to your office, but I can -now see that it is going to worry me to get there unless I hear from you -favorably by return mail. - -When I came here I fell into the mad whirl of society, and attracted a -good deal of attention by my cultivated ways and Jeffersonian method of -sleeping with a different member of Congress every night. - -I have not written anything for publication yet, but I am getting -material together that will make people throughout our broad land open -their eyes in astonishment. I shall deal fairly and openly with these -great national questions, and frankly hew to the line, let the chips -fall where they may, as I heard a man say to-day on the floor of the -house--the Willard House, I mean. But I believe in handling great -political matters without gloves, as you will remember, if you have -watched my course as justice of the peace and litterateur. Candor is my -leading characteristic, and if you will pardon me for saying so in the -first letter you ever received from me I believe there is nothing about -my whole character which seems to challenge my admiration for myself any -more than that. - -Congressmen and their wives are daily landing at the great national -Castle Garden and looking wildly around for the place where they -are told they will get their mileage. On every hand all is hurry and -excitement. Bills are being introduced, acquaintances renewed, and punch -bowls are beginning to wear a preoccupied air. - -I have been mingling with society ever since I came here, and that is -one reason I have written very little for publication, and did not send -what I did write. - -Yesterday afternoon my money gave out at 3:20, and since that my mind -has been clearer and society has made fewer demands on me. At first I -thought I would obtain employment at the Treasury Department as exchange -editor in the greenback room. Then I remembered that I would get very -faint before I could go through a competitive examination, and, in the -meantime, I might lose social caste by wearing my person on the outside -of my clothes. So I have resolved to write you a chatty letter about -Washington, assuring you that I am well, and asking you kindly to -consider the enclosed tabulated bill of expenses, as I need the money to -buy Christmas presents and get home with. - -Poker is one of the curses of national legislation. I have several times -heard prominent foreigners say, in their own language--think ing, -no doubt, that I could not understand them--that the members of the -American Congress did not betray any emotion on their countenances. -One foreigner from Liverpool, who thought I could not understand his -language, said that our congressmen had a way of looking as though they -did not know very much. When he afterwards played poker with those same -men he saw that the look was acquired. One man told me that his vacant -look had been as good as $50,000 to him, whether he stood pat or drew to -an ostensible flush while really holding four bullets. - -So far I have not been over to the Capitol, preferring to have Congress -kind of percolate into my room, two or three at a time; but unless you -can honor the inclosed way-bill I shall be forced to go over to the -House to-morrow and write something for the paper. Since I have been -writing this I have been led to inquire whether it would be advisable -for me to remain here through the entire session or not. It will be -unusually long, lasting perhaps clear into July, and I find that the -stenographers as a general thing get a pretty accurate and spicey -account of the proceedings, much more so than I can, and as you will see -by inclosed statement it is going to cost more to keep me here than I -figured on. - -My idea was that board and lodgings would be the main items of expense, -but I struck a low-priced place, where, by clubbing together with some -plain gentlemen from a distance who have been waiting here three -years for political recognition, and who do not feel like surrounding -themselves with a hotel, we get a plain room with six beds in it. The -room overlooks, the District of Columbia, and the first man in has the -choice of beds, with the privilege of inviting friends to a limited -number. We lunch plainly in the lower part of the building in a -standing position without restraint or finger-bowls. So board is not the -principal item of expense, though of course I do not wish to put up at a -place where I will be a disgrace to the paper. - -I wish that you would, when you send my check, write me frankly whether -you think I had better remain here during the entire season or not. I -like the place first rate, but my duties keep me up nights to a late -hour, and I cannot sleep during the day, because my roommates annoy me -by doing their washing and ironing over an oil stove. - -I know by what several friends have said to me that Congress would like -to have me stay here all winter, but I want to do what is best for the -paper. - -I saw Mr. Cleveland briefly last evening at his home, but he was -surrounded by a crowd of fawning sycophants, so I did not get a chance -to speak to him as I would like to, and don't know as he would have -advanced the amount to me anyway. He is very firm and stubborn, I -judged, and would yield very little indeed, especially to - -Yours truly, - -Bill Nye. - -The following bill looks large in the aggregate, but when you come to -examine each item by itself there is really nothing startling about it, -and when you remember that I have been here now four days and that this -is the first bill I have sent in to the office during that time, I -know you will not consider it out of the way, especially as you are -interested in seeing me make a good paper of the _World_, no matter what -the expense is. - -We are having good open winter weather and stock is looking well so far. - -I fear you will regard the item for embalming as exorbitant, and it is -so, but I was compelled to pay that price, as the man had to be shipped -a long distance, and I did not want to shock his friends too much when -he met them at the depot. - -[Illustration: 0024] - - -I will probably remain here until I hear from you favorably. I have met -several members of Congress for whom I have voted at various times off -and on, but they were cold and haughty in their intercourse with me. -I have been invited to sit on the floor of the House until I get some -other place to stay, but I hate to ride a free horse to death. - -b. n. - - - - -A PATENT ORATORICAL STEAM ORGANETTE FOR RAILWAY STUMPING - -|I AM now preparing for general use and desire to call the attention of -numerous readers to what I have nominated the Campaigner's Companion, -for use during or preceding a hot political campaign. Eureka is a very -tame expression for this unique little contrivance, as it is good for -any speaker and on behalf of any party, I care not of what political -belief the orator may be. It is intended for immediate use, like a box -of dry plates on an amateur photographic tour, only that it is more on -the principle of the Organette, with from 500 to 5,000 tunes packed with -it ready for use. - -It is intended to be worked easily on the rear platform of a special -car, and absolutely prevents repetition or the wrong application of -local gags. Every political speaker of any importance has suffered more -or less from what may be called the misplaced gag, such as localizing -the grave of a well-known member of Congress in the wrong county or -swelling up with pardonable pride over large soap works in a rival town -fifty miles away from the one where they really are. All these things -weaken the political possibilities of great men and bring contumely upon -the party they represent. - -My idea is to arrange a sort of Organette on the rear platform of the -car, to be operated by steam conducted from the engine by means of -pipes, the contrivance to be entirely out of sight, under a neat little -spread made of the American flag. Behind this an eminent man may stand -with his hand socked into the breast of his frock coat nearly up to the -elbow, and while his bosom swells with pardonable pride the engineer -turns on steam. Previously the private secretary has inserted a speech -prepared on punched paper, furnished by me and bearing on that special -town and showing a degree of familiarity with that neighborhood which -would win the entire adult population. - -Behind this machine the eminent speaker weaves to and fro, simply making -the gestures and shutting off the steam with his foot whenever there is -a manifest desire on the part of the audience to applaud. - -I am having over five hundred good one-night towns prepared in this way -and, if it would not take up too much of your space, I would like to -give here one speech, illustrating my idea and showing the plan in -brief, though with each machine I furnish a little book called "Every -Man his Own Demosthenes." This book tells exactly how to work the -Campaigner's Companion and makes it almost a pleasure to aspire to -office. - -I have chosen as an illustration a speech that I have had prepared for -Asheville, N. C., but all the others are equally applicable and apropos. - -(Note: See that all bearing's are well oiled before you start, -especially political bearings. See that the crank is just tight enough, -without being too tight, and also that the journals do not get hot.) - -_Fellow-Citizens of Asheville and Buncombe County and Brother Tarheels -from Away Back_: - -If I were a faithful Mohammedan and believed that I could never enter -heaven but once, I would look upon Buncombe County and despair ever -afterwards. (Four minutes for applause to die away.) Asheville is 2,339 -feet above tide-water. She is the hotbed of the invalid and the home -of the physical wreck who cannot live elsewhere, but who comes here and -lives till he gets plum sick of it. Your mountain breezes and your fried -chicken bear strength and healing in their wings. (Hold valve open two -minutes and a half to give laughter full scope.) Your altitude and your -butter are both high, and the man who cannot get all the fresh air he -wants on your mountains will do well to rent one of your cottages and -allow the wind to meander through his whiskers. Asheville is a beautiful -spot, where a peri could put in a highly enjoyable summer, picknicking -along the Swananea through the day and conversing with Plum Levy at -his blood-curdling barber shop in the gloaming. Nothing can possibly -be thrillinger than to hear Plum tell of the hair-breadth escapes his -customers have had in his cozy little shop. - -The annual rainfall here is 40.2 inches, while smoking tobacco and -horned cattle both do well. Ten miles away stretches Alexander's. You -are only thirty-five miles from Buck Forest. Pisgah Mountain is only -twenty miles from here, and Tahkeeastee Farm is only a mile away, with -its name extending on beyond as far as the eye can reach. The French -Broad River bathes your feet on the right and the sun-kissed Swananoa, -with its beautiful borders of rhododendrons, sloshes up against you on -the other side. Mount Mitchell, with an altitude of 6,711 feet and an -annual rain-fall of 53.8 inches, is but twenty miles distant, while -Lower Hominy is near, and Hell's Half Acre, Sandy Mush and Blue Ruin are -within your grasp. - -The sun never lit up a cuter little town than Asheville. Nature just -seemed to wear herself out on Buncombe County and then she took what -she had left over to make the rest of the country. Your air is full of -vigor. Your farms get up and hump themselves in the middle or on one -side, so that you have to wear a pair of telegraph-pole climbers when -you dig your potatoes. Here you will see the japonica, the jonquil -and the jaundice growing side by side in the spring, and at the -cheese-foundry you can hear the skipper calling to his mate. - -Here is the home of General Tom Clingman, who first originated the -idea of using tobacco externally for burns, scalds, ringworm, spavin, -pneumonia, Bright's disease, poll evil, pip, garget, heartburn, earache -and financial stringency Here Randolph & Hunt can do your job printing -for you, and the _Citizen_ and the _Advance_ will give you the news. - -You are on a good line of railroad and I like your air very much, aside -from the air just played by your home band. Certainly you have here the -makings of a great city. You have pure air enough here for a city -four times your present size, and although I have seen most all the -Switzerlands of America, I think that this is in every way preferable. -People who are in search of a Switzerland of America that can be relied -upon will do well to try your town. - -And now, having touched upon everything of national importance that I -can think of, I will close by telling you a little anecdote which will, -perhaps, illustrate my position better than I could do it in any other -way. (Here I insert a humorous anecdote which has no special bearing on -the political situation and during the ensuing laughter the train pulls -out.) - - - - -VERITAS - -|MY NAME is Veritas. I write for the papers. I am quite an old man and -have written my kindly words of advice to the press for many years. I am -the friend of the public and the guiding star of the American newspaper. -I point out the proper course for a newly-elected member of Congress -and show the thoughtless editor the wants of the people. I write on the -subject of political economy; also on both sides of the paper. Sometimes -I write on both sides of the question. When I do so I write over the -name of Tax-Payer, but my real name is Veritas. - -I am the man who first suggested the culvert at the Jim street crossing, -so that the water would run off toward the pound after a rain. With my -ready pen--ready, and trenchant also, as I may say--I have, in my poor, -weak way, suggested a great many things which might otherwise have -remained for many years unsuggested. - -I am the man who annually calls for a celebration of the Fourth of July -in our little town, and asks for some young elocutionist to be selected -by the committee, whose duty it shall be to read the Declaration of -Independence in a shrill voice to those who yearn to be thrilled through -and through with patriotism. - -Did I not speak through the columns of the press in clarion tones for -a proper observance of our nation's great natal day in large gothic -extended caps, the nation's starry banner would remain furled and the -greased pig would continue to crouch in his lair. With the aid of my -genial co-workers Tax-Payer, Old Settler, Old Subscriber, Constant -Reader, U. L. See, Fair Play, and Mr. Pro Bono Publico, I have made -the world a far more desirable place in which to live than it would -otherwise have been. - -My co-laborer, Mr. Tax-Payer, is an old contributor to the paper, but he -is not really a taxpayer. He uses this signature in order to conceal his -identity, just as I use the name Veritas. We have a great deal of fun -over this at our regular annual reunions, where we talk about all our -affairs. - -Old Settler is a young tenderfoot who came here last spring and tried -to obtain a livelihood by selling an indestructible lamp-chimney. He did -well for several weeks by going to the different residences and throwing -one of his glass chimneys on the floor with considerable force to show -that it would not break. He did a good business till one day he made a -mistake. Instead of getting hold of his exhibition chimney, he picked -out one of the stock and busted it beyond recognition. Since that he has -been writing articles in violet ink relative to old times and publishing -them over the signature of Old Settler. - -Old Subscriber is a friend of mine who reads his paper at the hotels -while waiting for a gratuitous drink. Fair Play is a retired monte man, -and Pro Bono Publico is our genial and urbane undertaker. - -I am a very prolific writer, but all my work is not printed. A venal and -corrupt press at times hesitates about giving currency to such fearless, -earnest truths as I make use of. - -I am also the man who says brave things in the columns of the papers -when the editor himself does not dare to say them because he is afraid -he will be killed. But what recks Veritas the bold and free? Does he -flinch or quail? Not a flinch; not a quail. - -Boldly he flings aside his base fears, and with bitter vituperation he -assails those he dislikes, and attacks with resounding blows his own -personal enemies, fearlessly signing his name, Veritas, to the article, -so that those who yearn to kill him may know just who he is. - -What would the world do without Veritas? In the hands of a horde of -journalists who have nothing to do but attend to their business, left -with no anonymous friend to whom they can fly when momentous occasions -arise, when the sound advice and better judgment of an outside friend -is needed, their condition would indeed be a pitiable one. But he will -never desert us. He is ever at hand, prompt to say, over his nom de -plume, what he might hesitate to say over his own name, for fear that he -might go home with a battle of Gettysburg under each eye and a nose like -a volcanic eruption. He cheerfully attacks everything and everybody, and -then goes away till the fight, the funeral, and the libel suit are -over. Then he returns and assails the grim monster Wrong. He proposes -improvements, and the following week a bitter reply comes from -Tax-Payer. Pro Bono Publico, the retired three-card-monteist, says: "Let -us have the proposed improvement, regardless of cost." - -Then the cynical U. L. See (who is really the janitor at the blind -asylum) grumbles about useless expense, and finally draws out from -the teeming brain of Constant Reader a long, flabby essay, written -on red-ruled leaves, cut out of an old meat-market ledger, written -economically on both sides with light blue ink made of bluing and cold -tea. This essay introduces, under the most trying circumstances, such -crude yet original literary gems as: - -Wad some power the giftie gie us, etc. - -He also says: - -The wee sma' hours ayant the twal. - -And farther on: - -Breathes there a man with soul so deal. - -Who never to himself hath said, etc. - -His essay is not so much the vehicle of thought as it is the -accommodation train for fragments of his old school declamations to ride -on. - -But to Veritas we owe much. I say this because I know what I am talking -about, for am I not old Veritas himself? Haven't I been writing things -for the papers ever since papers were published? Am I not the man who -for years has been a stranger to fear? Have I not again and again -called the congressman, the capitalist, the clergyman, the voter and -the philanthropist everything I could lay my tongue to, and then fought -mosquitoes in the deep recesses of the swamp while the editor remained -at the office and took the credit for writing what I had given him for -nothing? Has not many a paper built up a name and a libel suit upon what -I have written, and yet I am almost unknown? When people ask, Who is -Veritas? and where does he live? no one seems to know. He is up -seven flights of stairs, in a hot room that smells of old clothes and -neglected thoughts. Far from the "madding crowd," as Constant Reader has -so truly said, I sit alone, with no personal property but an overworked -costume, a strong love for truth, and a shawl-strap full of suggestions -to the overestimated man who edits the paper.. - -So I battle on, with only the meager and flea-bitten reward of seeing my -name in print "anon," as Constant Reader would say. All I have to fork -over to posterity is my good name, which I beg leave to sign here. - -Veritas. - - - - -THE DRUG BUSINESS IN KANSAS - - -Hudson, Wis. - -|MR. BILL NYE.--Dear Sir: I hope you will pardon me for addressing you -on a matter of pure business, but I have heard that you are not averse -to going out of your way to do a favor now and then to those who are -sincere and appreciative. - -I have learned from a friend that you have been around all over the -west, and so I have taken the liberty of writing you to ask what you -think would be the chance of success for a young man if he were to go to -Kansas to enter the drug business. - -I am a practical young druggist 23 years of age, and have some money--a -few hundred dollars--with which to go into business. Would you advise -Kansas or Colorado as a good part of the west for that business? - -I have also written some for the press, but with little success. I -inclose you a few slips cut from the papers in which these articles -originally appeared. I send stamp for reply and hope you will answer -me, even though your time may be taken up pretty well by other matters. -Respectfully yours. - -Adolph Jaynes, - -Lock-Box 604. - -Hudson, Wis., Oct. 1. - -MR. Adolph Jaynes, Lock-box 604.-- - -DEAR SIR: Your favor of late date is at hand, and I take pleasure in -writing this dictated letter to you, using the columns of the Chicago -Daily News as a delicate way of teaching you. I will take the liberty of -replying to your last question first, if you pardon me, and I say that -you would do better, no doubt at once, in a financial way, to go on with -your drug business than to monkey with literature. - -In the first place, your style of composition is like the present -style of dress among men. It is absolutely correct, and therefore it is -absolutely like that of nine men out of every ten we meet. Your style -of writing has a mustache on it, wears a three-button cutaway of some -Scotch mixture, carries a cane, and wears a straight, stand-up collar -and scarf. It is so correct and so exactly in conformity with the -prevailing style of composition, and your thoughts are expressed so -thoroughly like other people's methods of dressing up their sentences -and sand-papering the soul out of what they say, that I honestly think -you would succeed better by trying to subsist upon the quick sales and -small profits which the drug trade insures. - -Now, let us consider the question of location. - -Seriously, you ought to look over the ground yourself, but as you have -asked me to give you my best judgment on the question of preference as -between Kansas and Colorado I will say without hesitation that, if you -mean by the drug business the sale of sure-enough drugs, medicines, -paints, oils, glass, putty, toilet articles, and prescriptions carefully -compounded, I would _not_ go to Kansas at this time. - -If you would like to go to a flourishing country and put out a big -basswood mortar in front of your shop in order to sell the tincture of -damnation throughout bleeding Kansas, now is your golden opportunity. -Now is the accepted time. - -If it is the great, big, burning desire of your heart to go into a town -of 2,000 people and open the thirteenth drug store in order that you may -stand behind a tall black-walnut prescription case day in and day out, -with a graduate in one hand and a Babcock fire-extinguisher in the -other, filling orders for whisky made of stump-water and the juice of -future punishment, you will do well to go to Kansas. It is a temperance -state, and no saloons are allowed there. All is quiet and orderly, and -the drug business is a great success. - -You can run a dummy drug store there with two dozen dreary old glass -bottles on the shelves, punctuated by the hand of time and the Kansas -fly of the period, and with a prohibitory law at your back and a tall, -red barrel in the back room filled with a mixture that will burn great -holes into nature's heart and make the cemetery blossom as the rose, and -in a few years you can sell enough of this justly celebrated preparation -for household, scientific, and experimental purposes only to fill your -flabby pockets with wealth and paint the pure air of Kansas a bright and -inflammatory red. - -If you sincerely and earnestly yearn for a field where you may go forth -and garner an honest harvest from the legitimate effort of an -upright soda fountain and free and open sale of slippery elm in its -unadulterated condition, I would go to some state where I would not have -to enter into competition with a style of pharmacy that has the unholy -instincts and ambitions of a blind pig. I would not go into the -field where red-eyed ruin simply waited for a prescription blank, not -necessarily for publication, but simply as a guaranty of good faith, -in order that it may bound forth from behind the prescription case and -populate the poorhouses and the paupers' nettle-grown addition to the -silent city of the dead. - -The great question of how best to down the demon rum is before the -American people, and it will not be put aside until it is settled; but -while this is being attended to, Mr. Jaynes, I would start a drug store -farther away from the center of conflict and go on joyously, sacrificing -expensive tinctures, compounds, and sirups at bed-rock prices. - -Go on, Mr. Jaynes, dealing out to the yearning, panting public, drugs, -paints, oils, glass putty, varnish, patent medicines, and prescriptions -carefully compounded, with none to molest or make afraid, but shun, oh -shun the wild-eyed pharmacopoeia that contains naught but the festering -fluid so popular in Kansas, a compound that holds crime in solution and -ruin in bulk, that shrivels up a man's gastric economy, and sears great -ragged holes into his immortal soul. Take this advice home to your heart -and you will ever command the hearty co-operation of "yours for health," -as the late Lydia E. Pinkham so succinctly said. - - - - -THE PERILS OF IDENTIFICATION - - -Chicago, Feb. 20,1888. - -|FINANCIAL circles here have been a good deal interested in the -discovery of a cipher which has been recently adopted by a depositor and -which began to attract the attention at first of a gentleman employed -in the Clearing House. He was telling me about it and showing me the -vouchers or duplicates of them. - -It was several months ago that he first noticed on the back of a check -passing through the Clearing-House the following cipher, written in a -symmetrical Gothic hand: - -_Dear Sir: Herewith find payment for last month's butter. It was hardly -up to the average. Why do you blonde your butter? Your butter last month -tried to assume an effeminate air, which certainly was not consistent -with its vigor. Is it not possible that this butter is the brother to -what we had the month previous, and that it was exchanged for its sister -by mistake? We have generally liked your butter very much, but we will -have to deal elsewhere if you are going to encourage it in wearing a -full beard. Yours truly, W._ - -Moneyed men all over Chicago and financial cryptogrammers came to -read the curious thing and to try and work out its bearing on trade. -Everybody took a look at it, and went away defeated. Even the men who -were engaged in trying to figure out the identity of the Snell murderer -took a day off and tried their Waterbury thinkers on this problem. In -the midst of it all another check passed through the Clearing House with -this cipher, in the same hand: - -_Sir: Your bill for the past month is too much. You forget the eggs -returned at the end of second week, for which you were to give me -credit. The cook broke one of them by mistake, and then threw up the -portfolio of pie-founder in our once joyous home. I will not dock you -for loss of cook, but I cannot allow you for the eggs. How you succeed -in dodging quarantine with eggs like that is a mystery to yours truly, -W._ - -Great excitement followed the discovery of this indorsement on a check -for $32.87. Everybody who knew anything about-ciphering was called in -to consider it. A young man from a high school near here, who made a -specialty of mathematics and pimples, and who could readily tell how -long a shadow a nine pound groundhog would cast at 2 o'clock and 37 -minutes p.m., on groundhog day, if sunny, at the town of Fungus, Dak., -provided latitude and longitude and an irregular mass of red chalk be -given to him, was secured to jerk a few logarithms in the interests of -trade. He came and tried it for a few days, covered the interior of the -Exposition Building with figures and then went away. - -The Pinkerton detectives laid aside their literary work on the great -train book, entitled "The Jerk-water Bank Bobbery and Other Choice -Crimes," by the author of "How I Traced a Lame Man Through Michigan, -and Other Felonies." They grappled with the cipher, and several of them -leaned up against something and thought for a long time, but they could -make neither head nor tail to it. Ignatius Donnelly took a powerful dose -of kumiss, and under its maddening influence sought to solve the great -problem which threatened to engulf the nation's surplus. All was in -vain. Cowed and defeated, the able conservators of coin, who require a -man to be identified before he can draw on his overshoes at sight, had -to acknowledge if this thing continued it threatened the destruction of -the entire national fabric. - -About this time I was calling at the First National Bank of Chicago, -the greatest bank, if I am not mistaken, in America. I saw the bonds -securing its issue of national currency the other day in Washington, and -I am quite sure the custodian told me it was the greatest of any bank -in the Union. Anyway, it was sufficient, so that I felt like doing my -banking business there whenever it became handy to do so. - -I asked for a certificate of deposit for $2,000, and had the money to -pay for it, but I had to be identified. "Why," I said to the receiving -teller, "surely you don't require a man to be identified when he -deposits money, do you?" - -"Yes, that's the idea." - -"Well, isn't that a new twist on the crippled industries of this -country?" - -"No; that's our rule. Hurry up, please, and don't keep men waiting who -have money and know how to do business." - -"Well, I don't want to obstruct business, of course, but suppose, for -instance, I get myself identified by a man I know and a man you know and -a man who can leave his business and come here for the delirious joy -of identifying me, and you admit that I am the man I claim to be, -corresponding as to description, age, sex, etc., with the man I -advertise myself to be, how would it be about your ability to identify -yourself as the man you claim to be? I go all over Chicago, visiting -all the large pork-packing houses in search of a man I know, and who is -intimate with literary people like me, and finally we will say, I find -one who knows me and who knows you, and whom you know, and who can leave -his leaf lard long enough to come here and identify me all right. Can -you identify yourself in such a way that when I put in my $2,000 you -will not loan it upon insufficient security, as they did in Cincinnati -the other day, as soon as I go out of town?" - -"Oh, we don't care especially whether you trade here or not, so that you -hurry up and let other people have a chance. Where you make a mistake is -in trying to rehearse a piece here instead of going out to Lincoln Park -or somewhere in a quiet part of the city. Our rules are that a man who -makes a deposit here must be identified." - -"All right. Do you know Queen Victoria?" - -"No sir; I do not." - -"Well, then, there is no use in disturbing her. Do you know any other of -the crowned heads?" - -"No sir." - -"Well, then, do you know President Cleveland, or any of the Cabinet, or -the Senate or members of the House?" - -"No." - -"That's it, you see. I move in one set and you in another. What -respectable people do you know?" - -"I'll have to ask you to stand aside, I guess, and give that string of -people a chance. You have no right to take up my time in this way. The -rules of the bank are inflexible. We must know who you are, even before -we accept your deposit." - -I then drew from my pocket a copy of the Sunday _World_ which contained -a voluptuous picture of myself. Removing my hat and making a court -salaam by letting out four additional joints in my lithe and versatile -limbs, I asked if any further identification would be necessary. - -Hastily closing the door to the vault and jerking the combination, he -said that would be satisfactory. I was then permitted to deposit in the -bank. - -I do not know why I should always be regarded with suspicion wherever -I go. I do not present the appearance of a man who is steeped in crime, -and yet when I put my trivial, little, two-gallon valise on the seat -of a depot waiting-room a big man with a red mustache comes to me and -hisses through his clenched teeth: "Take yer baggage off the seat!" It -is so everywhere. I apologize for disturbing a ticket agent long enough -to sell me a ticket, and he tries to jump through a little brass wicket -and throttle me. Other men come in and say: "Give me a ticket for -Bandoline, O., and be dam sudden about it, too," and they get their -ticket and go aboard the car and get the best seat, while I am begging -for the opportunity to buy a seat at full rates and then ride in the -wood box. I believe that common courtesy and decency in America needs -protection. Go into an hotel or a hotel, whichever suits the eyether and -nyether reader of these lines, and the commercial man who travels for a -big sausage-casing house in New York has the bridal chamber, while the -meek and lowly minister of the Gospel gets a wall-pocket room with a -cot, a slippery-elm towel, a cake of cast-iron soap, a disconnected -bell, a view of the laundry, a tin roof and $4 a day. - -But I digress. I was speaking of the bank check cipher. At the First -National Bank I was shown another of these remarkable indorsements. It -read as follows: - -_Dear Sir: This will be your pay for chickens and other fowls received -up to the first of the present month. Time is working' wondrous changes -in your chickens. They are not such chickens as we used to get of you -before the war. They may be the same chickens, but oh! how changed by -the lapse of time! How much more indestructible! How they have learned -since then to defy the encroaching tooth of remorseless ages, or any -other man! Why do you not have them tender like your squashes! I found a -blue poker chip in your butter this week. What shall I credit myself for -it? If you would try to work your butter more and your customers less it -would be highly appreciated, especially by, yours truly, W._ - -Looking at the signature on the check itself, I found it to be that of -Mrs. James Wexford, of this city. Knowing Mr. Wexford, a wealthy and -influential publisher here, I asked him today if he knew anything about -this matter. He said that all he knew about it was that his wife had a -separate bank account, and had asked him several months ago what was the -use of all the blank space on the back of a check, and why it couldn't -be used for correspondence with the remittee. Mr. Wexford said he'd bet -$500 that his wife had been using her checks that way, for he said -he never knew of a woman who could possibly pay postage on a note, -remittance or anything else unless every particle of the surface had -been written over in a wild, delirious, three-story hand. Later on I -found that he was right about it. His wife had been sassing the grocer -and the butter-man on the back of her checks. Thus ended the great bank -mystery. - -I will close this letter with a little incident the story of which -may not be so startling, but it is true. It is a story of child faith. -Johnny Quinlan, of Evanston, has the most wonderful confidence in the -efficacy of prayer, but he thinks that prayer does not succeed unless -it is accompanied with considerable physical strength. He believes -that adult prayer is a good thing, but doubts the efficacy of juvenile -prayer. - -He has wanted a Jersey cow for a good while, and tried prayer, but -it didn't seem to get to the central office. Last year he went to a -neighbor who is a Christian and believer in the efficacy of prayer, also -the owner of a Jersey cow. - -"Do you believe that prayer will bring me a yaller Jersey cow?" said -Johnny. - -"Why, yes, of course. Prayer will remove mountains; it will do anything. - -"Well, then, suppose you give me the cow you've got and pray for another -one." - - - - -A FATHER'S LETTER - - -|MY DEAR SOX: We got your last letter some three days ago. It found us -all moderately well though not very frisky. Your letters now days are -getting quite pretty as regards penmanship. You are certainly going -to develop into a fine penman your mother thinks. She says that if you -improve as fast in your writing next year as you have last, you will -soon be writing for the papers. - -In my mind's eye I can see you there in your room practicing for a long -time on a spiral spring which you make with your pen. I believe you -call it the whole arm movement. I think you got the idea from me. You -remember I used to have a whole arm movement that I introduced into our -family along in the summer of '69. You was at that time trying to learn -to swim. Once or twice the neighbors brought you home with your lungs -full of river water and your ears full of coarse sand. We pumped you dry -several times, but it did not wean you from the river, so I introduced -the whole arm movement, one day and used it from that on in what you -would call our curric kulum. It worked well. - -Your letters are now very attractive from a scientific standpoint. The -letters all have pretty little curly tails on them, and though you do -not always spell according to Gunter, the capital letters are as pretty -as a picture. I never saw such a round O as you make when you hang -your tongue out and begin to swing yourself. Your mother says that -your great-uncle on her side was a good writer too. He could draw off -a turtle dove without taking his pen from the paper, and most everybody -would know as soon as they looked at it that it was a turtle dove or -some such bird as that. - -He could also draw a deer with coil spring horns on him, and a barbed -wire fence to it, and a scolloped tail, and it looked as much like a -deer as anything else you could think of. - -He was a fine penman and wrote a good deal for the papers. Your mother -has got a lot of his pieces in the house yet, which the papers sent back -because they were busy and crowded full of other stuff. I read some of -these letters, and any one can see that it was a great sacrifice for -the editors to send the pieces back, but they had got used to it and -conquered their own personal feelings, and sent them back because they -were too good for the plain, untutored reader. One editor said that he -did not want to print the enclosed pieces because he thought it would be -a pity to place such pretty writing in the soiled hands of the practical -printer. He said that the manuscript looked so pretty just as it was, -that he hadn't the heart to send it into the composing room. So the -day may not be far away, Henry, when you can write for the press, your -mother thinks. I don't care so much about it myself, but she has her -heart set on it. Your mother thinks that you are a great man, though -I have not detected any symptoms of it yet. She has got that last pen -scroll work here of yours in the bible, where she can look at it every -day. Its the picture of a hen setting in a nest of curly-cues made with -red ink, over a woven wire mattress of dewdads in blue ink, and some -tall grass in violet ink. Your mother says that this fowl is also a -turtle dove, but I think she is wrong. - -She says the world has always got a warm place for one who can make such -a beautiful picture without taking his pen off the paper. Perhaps she -is right. I hope that you will not take me for an example, for I am no -writer at all. My parents couldn't give me any advantages when I was -young. When I ought to have been learning how to make a red ink bird of -paradise swooping down on a violet ink butterfly with green horns, I was -frittering away my time trying to keep my misguided parents out of the -poor-house. - -I tell you, Henry, there was mighty little fluff and bloom and funny -business in my young life. While you are acquiring the rudiments of -Long Dennis and polo and penmanship, and storing your mind with useful -knowledge with which to parlize your poor parents when you come home, -do not forget, Henry, that your old sway-back father never had those -opportunities for soaking his system full of useful knowledge which you -now enjoy. When I was your age, I was helping to jerk the smutty -logs off of a new farm with a pair of red and restless steers, in the -interest of your grandfather. - -But, I do not repine. I just simply call your attention to your -priviledges. Could you have a Summer in the heart of the primeval -forest, thrown in contact with a pair of high-strung steers and a large -number of black flies of the most malignant type, "snaking" half-burnt -logs across yourself and fighting flies from early dawn till set of sun, -you would be willing, nay tickled, to go back to your monotonous round -of base ball and Suffolk jackets and pest-house cigarettes. . - -We rather expected you home some time ago, but you said you needed sea -air and change of scene, so you will not be home very likely till the -latter part of the month. We will be glad to see you any time, Henry, -and we will try to make it as pleasant as we can for you. Your mother -got me to fill the big straw-tick for your bed again, so that you would -have a nice tall place to sleep, and so that you could live high, as the -feller said. - -I tried on the old velocipede pants you sent home last week. They are -too short for me with the style of legs I am using this Summer. Your -bathing pants are also too short for me, so I gave them to a poor woman -here who is trying to ameliorate the condition of her sex. - -I send you our love and $9 in money. We will sell the other calf as soon -as it is ripe. Chintz bugs are rather more robust than last year, and -the mortgage on our place looks as if it might mature prematurely. We -had a lecture on phrenology at the school-house Tuesday night, during -which four of our this spring's roan turkies wandered so far away from -home that they lost their bearings and never came back again. So good-by -for this time. Your father, - -Bill Nye - - - -THE AZTEC AT HOME - -|IT HAS been my good fortune within the past ten years to witness a -number of the remaining landmarks left to indicate the trail of the -original inhabitant of this country. It has been a pleasure, and yet a -kind of sad pleasure, to examine the crumbling ruins of what was -once regarded, no doubt, as the very triumph of aboriginal taste and -mechanical ingenuity. - -I can take but a cursory glance at these earmarks of a forgotten age, -for a short treatise like this cannot embrace minute details, of course. - -We are told by the historian that there were originally two distinct -classes of Indians occupying the territory now embraced by the United -States, viz., the village Indians or horticultural Indians, and the -extremely rural Indians or nonhorticultural variety. - -The village Indians or horticulturalists subsisted upon fruits and -grain, ground in a crude way, while the non-horticulturalists lived on -wild game, berries, acorns and pilgrims. - -Of the latter class few traces remain, excepting rude arrow heads and -coarse stone weapons. These articles show very little skill as a rule, -the only indication of brains that I ever discovered being on a large -stone hammer or Mohawk swatter, and they were not the brains of the man -who made it either. - -The village Indians, however, were architects from away up the gulch. - -They constructed a number of architectural works of great beauty, -several of which I have visited. They were once, no doubt, regarded -as very desirable residences, but now, alas, they have fallen into -innocuous desuetude--at least that is what it looked like to me, and the -odor reminded me of innocuous desuetude in a bad state of preservation. - -In New Mexico, over 300 years ago, there were built a number of pereblos -or villages which still stand up, in a measure, though some of them are -in a recumbent position. These pereblos or villages are formed of three -or four buildings constructed in the retrousse style of architecture, -and made of adobe bricks. These bricks are generally of a beautiful, -soft, black and tan color, and at a distance look like the first loaf -of bread baked by a young lady who has been reared in luxury but whose -father has been suddenly called away to Canada. The adobe brick is said -to be so indigestible, in fact, that I am confident the day is not far -distant when it will be found on every hotel bill of fare in our broad -sin-cursed land. - -One of these dwellings was generally about 200 feet long, with no -stairways in the interior, but movable ladders on the outside instead. -This manner of reaching the upper floor had its advantages, and yet it -was not always convenient. One feature in its favor was the isolation -which a man could pull around himself by going in at the second-story -window and pulling the ladder up after him, as there was no entrance to -the house on the ground floor. If a man really courted retirement, -and wanted to write a humorous lecture or a $2 homily, he could insert -himself through the second-story window, pull in the staircase and go -to work. Then no one could disturb him without bribing a hook and ladder -company to come along and let him in. - -But the great drawback was the annoyance incident to ascending these -ladders at a late hour in the night, while under the influence of Aztec -rum, a very seductive yet violently intoxicating beverage, containing -about eight parts cheer to ninety-two parts inebriate. - -These residences were hardly gothic in style, being extremely -rectangular, with a tendency toward the more modern dry-goods box. It -is believed by abler men than I am, men who could believe more in two -minutes than I could believe in a lifetime if I had nothing else to do, -that those houses contained about thirty-eight apartments on the first -floor and nineteen on the second. These apartments were separated by -some kind of cheap and transitory partition, which could not stand -the climatic changes, and so has gone to decay; but these Indians were -determined to have their rooms separated in some way, for they were very -polite and decorous to a fault. No Aztec gentleman would emerge from his -room until he had completed his toilet, if it cost him his position. - -I once heard of an Aztec who lived away down in old Mexico somewhere -several centuries ago and who was the pink of politeness. He wore -full-dress winter and summer, the whole year round, and studied a large -work on etiquette every evening. At night he would undress himself by -unhooking the german-silver ring from his nose and hanging it on the -back of a chair. - -One night a young man from the capital, named Ozone, or something like -that, a relative of the Montezumas, came over to stay a week or two with -this Aztec dude. As a good joke he slipped in and nipped the nose-ring -of his friend just to see if he would so far violate the proprieties as -to appear at breakfast time without it. - -Morning came and the dude awoke to find the bright rays of a Mexican sun -streaming in through his casement. He rose, and, bathing himself in a -gourd, he looked on the back of the chair for his clothing, but it was -not there. A cold perspiration broke out all over him. He called for -assistance, but no one came. He called again and again, louder and still -more loud, but help came not. He went to the casement and looked out -upon the plaza. The plaza did not turn away. A Mexican plaza is not -easily dashed. - -He called till he was hoarse, but all was still in the house. Hollow -echoes alone came back to him to mock him. - -At night, when the rest of the household returned from a protracted -picnic in the distant hills, young Ozone ascended the ladder which he -carried with him in a shawl-strap, and entering the room of the Aztec -dude gave him the nosering with a hearty laugh, but, alas! he was -greeted with the wild, piercing shriek of a maniac robbed of his -clothing; the man had suffered such mental tortures during the long, -long day, that when night came, reason tottered on her throne. It is -said that he never regained his faculties, but would always greet his -visitors with a wild forty-cent shriek and bury his face in his hands. -His friends tried to get him into society again, but he could not be -prevailed upon to go. He seemed to be afraid that he would be shocked -in some way, or that some one might take advantage of him and read an -immoral poem to him. - - - - -IN THE SOUTH - - -|ASHEVILLE, N.C., December 9.--There is no place in the United States, -so far as I know, where the cow is more versatile or ambidextrous, if I -may be allowed the use of a term that is far above my station in life, -than here in the mountains of North Carolina, where the obese 'possum -and the anonymous distiller have their homes. - -Not only is the Tar-heel cow the author of a pale but athletic style of -butter, but in her leisure hours she aids in tilling the perpendicular -farm on the hillside, or draws the products to market. In this way she -contrives to put in her time to the best advantage, and when she dies, -it casts a gloom over the community in which she has resided. - -The life of a North Carolina cow is indeed fraught with various changes -and saturated with a zeal which is praiseworthy in the extreme. From the -sunny days when she gambols through the beautiful valleys, inserting her -black, retrousse and perspiration-dotted nose in to the blue grass from -ear to ear, until at life's close, when every part and portion of her -overworked system is turned into food, raiment or overcoat buttons, the -life of the Tar-heel cow is one of intense activity. - -Her girlhood is short, and almost before we have deemed her emancipated -from calfhood herself we find her in the capacity of a mother. With -the cares of maternity other demands are quickly made upon her. She is -obliged to ostracize herself from society, and enter into the prosaic -details of producing small, pallid globules of butter, the very pallor -of which so thoroughly belies its lusty strength. - -The butter she turns out rapidly until it begins to be worth something, -when she suddenly suspends publication and begins to haul wood to -market. In this great work she is assisted by the pearl-gray or ecru -colored jackass of the tepid South. This animal has been referred to in -the newspapers throughout the country, and yet he never ceases to be an -object of the greatest interest. - -Jackasses in the South are of two kinds, viz., male and female. Much as -has been said of the jackass pro and con, I do not remember ever to have -seen the above statement in print before, and yet it is as trite as it is -incontrovertible. In the Rocky mountains we call this animal the burro. -There he packs bacon, flour and salt to the miners. The miners eat the -bacon and flour, and with the salt they are enabled to successfully salt -the mines. - -The burro has a low, contralto voice which ought to have some machine -oil on it. The voice of this animal is not unpleasant if he would pull -some of the pathos out of it and make it more joyous. - -Here the jackass at times becomes a coworker with the cow in hauling -tobacco and other necessaries of life into town, but he goes no further -in the matter of assistance. He compels her to tread the cheese press -alone and contributes nothing whatever in the way of assistance for the -butter industry. - -The North Carolina cow is frequently seen here driven double or single -by means of a small rope line attached to a tall, emaciated gentleman, -who is generally clothed with the divine right of suffrage, to which he -adds a small pair of ear-bods during the holidays. - -The cow is attached to each shaft and a small singletree, or -swingletree, by means of a broad strap harness. She also wears a -breeching, in which respect she frequently has the advantage of her -escort. - -I think I have never witnessed a sadder sight than that of a new milch -cow, torn away from home and friends and kindred dear, descending a -steep, mountain road at a rapid rate and striving in her poor, weak -manner to keep out of the way of a small Jackson democratic wagon loaded -with a big hogshead full of tobacco. It seems to me so totally foreign -to the nature of the cow to enter into the tobacco traffic, a line of -business for which she can have no sympathy and in which she certainly -can feel very little interest. - -Tobacco of the very finest kind is produced here, and is used mainly -for smoking purposes. It is the highest-priced tobacco produced in this -country. A tobacco broker here yesterday showed me a large quantity of -what he called export tobacco. It looks very much like other tobacco -while growing. - -He says that foreigners use a great deal of this kind. I am learning all -about the Tobacco industry while here, and as fast as I get hold of any -new facts I will communicate them to the press. The newspapers of this -country have done much for me, not only by publishing many pleasant -things about me, but by refraining from publishing other things about -me, and so I am glad to be able, now and then, to repay this kindness -by furnishing information and facts for which I have no use myself, but -which may be of incalculable value to the press. - -As I write these lines I am informed that the snow is twenty-six inches -deep here and four feet deep at High Point in this State. People who -did not bring in their pomegranates last evening are bitterly bewailing -their thoughtlessness to-day. - -A great many people come here from various parts of the world, for the -climate. When they have remained here for one winter, however, they -decide to leave it where it is. - -It is said that the climate here is very much like that of Turin. But I -did not intend to go to Turin even before I heard about that. - -Please send my paper to the same address, and if some one who knows a -good remedy for chilblains will contribute it to the Sabbath Globe, I -shall watch for it with great interest. Yours as here 2 4. - -Bill N ye. - -P.S.--I should have said relative to the cows of this State that if -the owners would work their butter more and their cows less, they would -confer a great boon on the consumer of both. B. N. - - - - -IN THE PARK - - -|TO the general public I may say that I violate no confidence in saying -that spring is the most joyful season of the year. But June is also a -good month. Well has the poet ejaculated, "And what is so rare as a day -in June?" though I have seen days in March that were so rare that they -were almost raw. This is not a weather report; however. I started out to -state that Central Park just now is looking its very best, and opens up -with the prospects of doing a good business this season. A ride through -the Park just now is a delight to one who loves to commune with nature, -especially human nature. - -The nobility of New York now turns out to get the glorious air and -ventilate its crest. I saw several hundred crests and coats-of-arms the -other day in an hour's time, and it was rather a poor day, too, for a -great many of our best people are just changing from their spring to -their light, summer coats-of-arms. - -One of the best crests I saw was a nice, large, red crest, about the -size of an adult rhubarb pie, with a two-year-old Durham unicorn above -it, bearing in his talons the unique maxim, "_Sans culottes, sans -snockemonthegob, sans ery sipelas est_." - -And how true this is, too, in a great many cases. - -Another very handsome crest on the carriage of the van Studentickels -consisted of a towel-rack penchant, with cockroach regardant, holding -in his beak a large red tape-worm on which was inscribed: "_Spirituous -frumenti, cum homo to-morrow_." - -Many of the crests contained terse Latin mottoes, taken from the -inscriptions on peppermint conversation candies, and were quite cute. -A coat-of-arms, consisting of a small Limburger cheese couchant, above -which stood a large can of chloride of potash, on which was inscribed -the words, "Miss, may I see you home?" I thought very taking and just -mysterious enough to make it exciting. - -Some day I am going to get myself a crest. I am only waiting for -something to put it on. It will consist of a monkey with his eye knocked -out and a bright green parrot with his tail pulled off, and over this -the simple remark: "We have had a high old time," or words to that -effect. - -Not so many equestrians were out as usual on the day I visited the park, -but those who were out afforded the observer a beautiful view of the -park between their persons and the saddle. The equestriennes were more -numerous, and one or two especially were as beautiful as anything that -nature ever turned out. One young woman, in a neat-fitting plug hat, -looked to me like a peri. It has been a good while now since I saw a -peri, but I have always heard them very highly spoken of, and I hope she -will not be offended when she reads these lines and finds that I regard -her in that light. - -Carriage-horses are dressing about as they did last season, except that -pon-pon tails are more worn, especially at the end. Neck-yokes are cut -low this year so as to show the shoulders of the wearer, and horses in -mourning wear their tails at half-mast. - -The porous plastron is not in favor this year, but many horses who -interfere are wearing life-preservers over the fetlock, and sometimes a -small chest-protector of russet leather over the joint, according to the -taste of the wearer. - -Polka-dot or half-mourning dogs are much affected by people who are -beginning to get the upper hand of their grief. Much taste is shown in -the selection of dogs for the coming season, and many owners chain their -coachman to the dog, so that if any one were to come and try to abduct -the dog the coachman could bite him and drive him away. A good coachman -to take care of a watch-dog is almost invaluable. - -A custom of taking the butler along in the seat with the coachman -is growing in favor for two reasons: First, it shows that you have a -butler, and, second, you know that while he is out with you he is not -putting paste in the place of your diamonds at home. So I had almost -said that it paste to do this. - -The automatic or jointless footman is still popular, and a young man who -has a good turning-lathe leg and an air of impenetrable gloom can get a -job most any time. - -Many New York gentlemen who are fond of driving take their grooms out -to Central Park every afternoon for an airing. This is a wise provision, -for those who have associated much with grooms will agree with me that a -little airing now and then is just what they need. - -There ought to be a book of park etiquette printed soon, however, -for the guidance of its patrons. In the first place, it should be -considered. - -Autre for a gentleman to hire a coupe by the hour in order to recover -from alcoholic prostration, and then sleep up and down the drive with -his feet out the window. It is not respectful, and besides that the -blood is liable to all rush to his head. - -Drunken cab-drivers, too, should not be permitted to drive in the park, -for only a little while ago one of them is said to have fallen from his -high perch and injured his crest. - -A park policeman should be specially detailed as a breath tester to -stand at each entrance and smell the breath of all drivers and other -patrons of the park. Let us enforce the law. - -But the most curious feature about the exhibition afternoon spin in the -Park is the great prevalence of mourning symbols. Almost, if not quite, -one-third of the carriages one meets is decorated with black in every -possible way, till sometimes it looks like a runaway funeral procession. - -Why people should come to Central Park to advertise their woe by means -of long black mourning tassels at their horses' heads and a draped -driver with broad bands of bombazine concealing the russet tops of -his boots, sometimes dressed in black throughout, is more than I can -understand. - -The honest, earnest and genuine affection of a good woman for a worthy -man, alive or dead, is too sacred to treat lightly and the love that -survives the wreck and ruin of gathering years has inspired more than -one man to deeds of daring whereby he has won everlasting renown, but -the woe that is divided up among the servants and shared in by the -horses is not in good taste, it is not in good order and there are flies -on it. - -It is like saying to the world come and see how I suffer. It is parading -your sore toe in Central Park, where people with sore toes are not -supposed to congregate. It is like a widow wailing her woe through the -"Want" column of a healthy morning paper. It is, in effect, saying to -Christendom, come and hear me snort and see me paw up the ground in -my paroxysms of wild and uncontrollable anguish. My grief is of such a -penetrating nature and of that searching variety that it has broken -out at the barn, and even the horses that I bought two weeks after -the funeral, with a part of the life insurance money, have gone into -mourning, and the coachman who got here day before yesterday from -Liverpool has tied himself up in black bombazine and takes special -delight in advertising our sorrow. - -I do not believe that it will always be popular to wear mourning for our -friends unless we feel a little doubtful about where they went. - -Black is offensive to the eye, offensive to the nose, and it makes your -flesh crźpe to touch it. Will the proofreader please deal gently with -the above joke and I will do as much for him sometime. - -Henry Ward Beecher had the right idea of the way to treat death, and -when at last it came his turn to die his home and his church both seemed -to say: "The great preacher is gone, but there is nothing about the -change that is sad." - -There is something the matter with grief that works itself up into black -rosettes and long black banners that sweep the ground and shut out the -sky and look like despair and feel like the season-cracked back of a -warty dragon. - -But wealth has its little eccentricities and we must bear with them. But -he alone is indeed rich who is content and who does not look under the -bed every night for an indictment. Look at poor old Mr. Sharp, with his -stock of Aldermen depreciating on his hands--men for whom he paid a big -price only a few years ago and who would not attract attention now on a -ten-cent counter, while he don't feel very well himself. - -No, I would not swap places with J. Sharp and ride through Central Park -behind a pair of rip, snorting horses, with mourning rosettes on their -heads, and feel that I must hurry back to help select an unprejudiced -jury. I would rather hang on to the brow of a Broadway car till I got to -Fifty-second street, and then stroll over to the menagerie and feed red -pepper to the Sacred Cow and have a good, plain, quiet time than to wear -fine clothes and be wealthy and hate myself all the time. I believe that -I am happier in my untroubled, dreamless sleep on my quiet couch, which -draws a salary during the daytime as an upright piano; happier browsing -about at a different restaurant each day, so that the waiters will not -get well acquainted with me and expect me to give them the money that -I am saving up to go to Europe with; happier, I say, to be thus tossed -about on the bosom of the great, heaving human tide than to have forty -or fifty millions of dollars concealed about my person that I cannot -remember how I obtained. - -I dislike notoriety, and nothing irritates me more than the coarse -curiosity of people who ride at night in the elevated trains and peer -idly into my room as I toil over my sewing or go gayly about humming a -simple air as I prepare the evening meal over my cute little portable -oil stove, and though I have not courted this interest on the part of -the people, and though I would prefer to live less in the eye of the -public, I feel that, occupying the position I do, I cannot expect to -wholly consult my own wishes in the matter, and I am content to live -quietly and enjoy good health rather than wear good clothes and feel -rocky all the time. - -I would rather have a healthy alimentary - -Than he garnished all over with passementerie. - - - - -LIBERTY ENLIGHTENING THE WORLD. - - -|WHEN Patrick Henry put his old cast-iron spectacles on the top of his -head and whooped for liberty, he did not know that some day we would -have more of it than we knew what to do with. He little dreamed that the -time would come when we would have more liberty than we could pay for. -When Mr. Henry sawed the air and shouted for liberty or death, I do -not believe that he knew the time would one day come when Liberty would -stand knee deep in the mud of Bedloe's Island and yearn for a solid -place to stand upon. - -It seems to me that we have too much liberty in this country in some -ways. We have more liberty than we have money. We guarantee that every -man in America shall fill himself up full of liberty at our expense, -and the less of an American he is the more liberty he can have. If he -desires to enjoy himself, all he needs is a slight foreign accent and -a willingness to mix up with politics as soon as he can get his baggage -off the steamer. The more I study American institutions the more I -regret that I was not born a foreigner, so that I could have something -to say about the management of our great land. If I could not be a -foreigner, I believe I would prefer to be a Mormon or an Indian not -taxed. - -I am often led to ask, in the language of the poet, "Is the Caucasian -played out?" Most everybody can have a good deal of fun in this country -except the American. He seems to be so busy paying his taxes all the -time that he has very little time to mingle in the giddy whirl with the -alien. That is the reason that the alien who rides across the United -States on the "Limited Mail" and writes a book about us before breakfast -wonders why we are always in a hurry. That is the reason we have to -throw our meals into ourselves with a dull thud, and hardly have time to -maintain a warm personal friendship with our families. - -We do not care much for wealth, but we must have freedom, and freedom -costs money. We have advertised to furnish a bunch of freedom to every -man, woman or child who comes to our shores, and we are going to deliver -the good whether we have any left for ourselves or not. - -What would the great world beyond the seas say to us if some day the -blue-eyed Mormon, with his heart full of love for our female seminaries -and our old women's homes, should land upon our coasts and find that we -were using all the liberty ourselves? What do we want of liberty anyhow? -What could we do with it if we had it? It takes a man of leisure to -enjoy liberty, and we have no leisure whatever. It is a good thing to -keep in the house "for the use of guests only," but we don't need it for -ourselves. - -Therefore, I am in favor of a statue of Liberty Enlightening the World, -because it will show that we keep it on tap winter and summer. We want -the whole broad world to remember that when it gets tired of oppression -it can come here to America and oppress us. We are used to it, and we -rather like it. If we don't like it, we can get on the steamer and go -abroad, where we may visit the effete monarchies and have a high old -time. - -The sight of the Goddess of Liberty standing there in New York harbor -night and day, bathing her feet in the rippling sea, will be a good -thing. It will be first-rate. It may also be productive of good in a -direction that many have not thought of. As she stands there day after -day, bathing her feet in the broad Atlantic, perhaps some moss-grown -Mormon moving toward the Far West, a confirmed victim of the matrimonial -habit, may fix the bright picture in his so-called mind, and remembering -how, on his arrival in New York, he saw Liberty bathing her feet with -impunity, he may be led in after years to try it on himself. - - - - -HE SEES THE CAPITAL - - -|WHEN I got off the Pennsylvania train yesterday I went to a barber shop -before I did anything else. I have a thick, Venetian red, chinchilla -beard, which grows rapidly, and which gives me a fuzzy appearance every -twenty-four hours, unless I place myself frequently into the hands of a -barber. At first I used to shave myself, but I cut myself to pieces in -such a sickening manner, without seeming to impede the growth of the -rich and foxy beard, that until last summer I gave up being my own -barber. At that time I was presented with a safety razor which the -manufacturer said would not cut my face, because it was impossible -for it to cut anything except the beard. The safety razor resembles in -appearance several other toilet articles, such as the spoke shave, the -road scraper, the can opener, the lawn mower and the turbine water wheel, -but it does not look like a razor. It also looks like a carpet sweeper -some, and reminds me of a monkey wrench. It is said that you can shave -yourself on a train if you will use this instrument. I tried it once -last winter while going west. In fact, I took the trip largely to see -if one could shave on board the train safely with this razor. I had no -special trouble. At least I did not cut off any features that I cared -anything about, but I was disappointed in the results, and also in the -length of time consumed in cleaning the razor after I got through. I was -shaving myself only from Forty-second street to Albany, but it took -me from Albany to Omaha to pull the razor apart, and to dig out the -coagulated lather and the dear, dear whiskers. I now employ a valet -whose name is Patria McGloria. He irons my trousers, shaves and dresses -me, and mows the lawn. When I come to Washington, I am too democratic -to travel with a valet, fearing that it might cost me several thousand -votes some day, and so I leave my maid at home to wash and dress -the salad. In that way he does not miss me, and I get the credit at -Washington of being a man who spends so much time thinking of his -country's welfare that he doesn't have a chance to look pretty. - -I did not fall into a very gaudy barber shop. The appointments were like -some of the president's appointments, I thought--viz., in poor taste, -but this is not a political letter. I do not wish to antagonize anybody, -especially the president of the United States. He has always treated me -well. - -I will now return to the barber shop. It was a plain structure, with -beautiful sarsaparilla pictures here and there on the walls and a faint -odor of rancid pomatum and overworked hair restoratives. - -There were three chairs richly upholstered in two-ply carpeting of some -inflammatory hue, with large vines and the kind of flowers which grow -on carpets but nowhere else. I have seen blossoms woven into ingrain -carpets, varying in color from a dead black to the color of a hepatized -lung, but I have never seen one that reminded me of anything I ever saw -in nature. The chair I sat in also had springs in it. They were made of -selections from the Washington monument. - -The barber who waited on me asked me if I wanted a shave. A great many -barbers ask me this during the year. Sometimes they do it from habit, -and sometimes they do it to brighten up my life and bring a smile to -my wan cheek. As I have no hair, the thinking mind naturally and by a -direct course of reasoning arrives at the conclusion that when I go into -a barber shop and climb into a chair, I do so for the purpose of getting -shaved and not with the idea of having my fortune told or my deposition -taken. Still barbers continue to ask me this question and look at each -other with ill concealed mirth. - -I said yes, I would like a shave unless he preferred to take my -temperature, or amuse me by making a death mask of himself. He then -began to strap a large razor with a double shuffle movement and to size -me up at the same time. - -He was a colored man, but he had lived in Washington a long time and -knew a great deal more than he would if his lot had fallen elsewhere. -He spoke with some feeling and fed me with about the most unpalatable -lather I think I ever participated in. He also did an odd thing when he -went for the second time over my face. I never have noticed the custom -outside of that shop. Most barbers, in making the second trip over a -customer's face, moisten one side at a time with a sponge or the damp -hand as they go along, but in this case a large quantity of lather was -put in my ear and, as he needed it, he took out what he required from -time to time, using his finger like a paint brush and spreading on the -lather as he went along. So accurately had he learned to measure the -quantity of lather which an ear will hold that when he got through with -me and I went away there was not over a tablespoonfnl in either ear and -possibly not that much. - -While I sat in the chair I heard a man, who seemed to be in about the -third chair from me, saying that a certain bill numbered so-and-so had -been referred to a certain committee and would undoubtedly by reported -favorably. If so, it would in its regular order come up for discussion -and reach a vote so-and-so. I was charmed with the man's knowledge of -the condition of affairs in both houses and the exact status of all -threatened legislation, because I always have to stop and think a good -while before I can tell whether a bill originates on the floor of the -house or in the rotunda. - -I could not see this man, but I judged that he was a senator or -sergeant-at-arms. He talked for some time about the condition of -national affairs, and finally some one said something about evolution. -I was perfectly wrapped up in what he was saying and remember distinctly -how he referred to Herbert Spencer's definition of evolution as a -change from indefinite, coherent heterogeneity through continuous -differentiations and integrations. - -When I arose from my chair and looked over that way I saw that the -gentleman who had been talking on the condition of congressional -legislation was a colored hotel porter of Washington, who was getting -shaved in the third chair, and the man who was discussing the merits of -evolution was the colored man who was shaving him. - -Here in Washington the colored man has the air of one who is holding up -one corner of the great national structure. Whether he is opening your -soft boiled eggs for you in the morning, or putting bay rum on your -nose, or checking your umbrella or brushing you with a wilted whisk -broom, his thoughts are mostly upon national affairs. He is naturally -an imitator wherever he goes, and this old resident of Washington -has watched and studied the air and language of eminent statesmen so -carefully that when he goes forth in the morning with his whitewashing -portfolio on his arm he walks unconsciously like Senator Evarts or John -James Ingalls. I saw a colored man taking a perpendicular lunch at the -depot yesterday, and evidently the veteran Georgia senator is his model, -for he cut his custard pie into large rectangular hunks and pushed -it back behind his glottis with a caseknife, after which he drew in -a saucerful of tea, with a loud and violent ways-and-means committee -report which reminded me of the noise made by an unwearied cyclone -trying to suck a cistern dry. I think that the colored man exaggerated -the imitation somewhat, but he was evidently trying to assume the table -manners of Senator Brown of Georgia. - -For this reason, if for no other, members of the cabinet, senators, -representatives, judges and heads of departments cannot be too careful -in their daily walk and conversation. Unconsciously they are molding the -customs, the manners, and the styles of dress which are to become the -customs, the manners, and the dress of a whole race. If I could to-day -take our statesmen all apart, not so much for the purpose of examining -their works, but so that we could be alone and talk this matter over -by ourselves, I would strive in my poor, weak, faltering way to impress -upon them the awful responsibility which rests upon them not only as -polite and fluent conversationalists, classical and courteous debators. -speaking pieces for the benefit of future conventions, of referring to -each other as liars, traitors, thieves, deserters, bummers, beats, and -great moral abscesses on the body politic; rehearsing campaign speeches -in congress at an expense of $20 per day each, and meantime obstructing -wholesome tariff legislation, but as the conservators of etiquette, -statesmanship, and morality for a race of people the great responsibility -for whose welfare still rests upon us as a nation. - -Only the day before yesterday I saw a thin, wiry, and colored gentleman -pawing around in an ash barrel for something, and I waited to see what -he was after. He resurrected a sad and dejected plug hat, and, though it -was not half so good as the one he wore, he seemed much pleased with -it and put it on. I ventured to ask him why he had done so without -improving his appearance, and he said that for a long time he had been -looking for a hat which would highten the resemblance which people had -often noticed and remarked in days gone by, both in person, sah, and -general carriage, walk, and conversation, sah, also in the matter of -clear cut and logical life sentences, as existing between himself, sah, -and Senator Evarts, sah. He believed that he had struck it, sah. - -As spring warms up the air about Washington the heating apparatus of -the capitol building begins to relax its interest, and now you can visit -most any part of the stately pile without being scrambled in your own -embonpoint. Last winter I heard Senator Frye of Maine make his great -tariff speech, and although there was nothing, about the speech itself -which seemed to evolve much exercise or industry--for it was the same -speech in every essential quality that I have heard every November since -I began to take an interest in politics--the perspiration ran down his -face in small washouts and sweatlets and fell in the arena with a mellow -plunk. - -I believe this unnatural heat to be the cause of much ill health among -our law-makers, and I freely admit that the unhealthy surroundings of -Washington and the great contrast between the hot air of the capitol and -the cold air outside have done a great deal towards keeping me out of -the senate. The night air of Washington is also filled with malaria and -is much worse than any night air I have ever used before. - - - - -HE SEES THE NAVY - - -|IT HAS become such a general practice to speak disrespectfully of the -United States Navy that a few days ago I decided to visit the Brooklyn -Navy Yard for the purpose of ascertaining, if possible, how much cause -there might be for this light and airy manner of treating the navy, and, -if necessary, to take immediate steps towards purifying the system. - -I found that the matter had been grossly misrepresented, and that our -navy, so far as I was able to discover, is self-sustaining. It has been -thoroughly refitted and refurnished throughout, and is as pleasant a -navy as one would see in a day's journey. - -I had the pleasure of boarding the man-of-war Richmond under a flag of -truce and the Atlantic under a suspension of the rules. I remained some -time on board each of these war ships, and any man who speaks lightly of -the United States Navy in my presence hereafter will receive a stinging -rebuke. - -The Brooklyn Navy Yard was inaugurated by the purchase of forty acres -of ground in 1801. It has a pleasant water-front, which is at all times -dotted here and there with new war vessels undergoing repairs. Since the -original purchase others have been made and the land side of the yard -inclosed by means of a large brick wall, so that in case there should be -a local disturbance in Brooklyn the rioters could not break through and -bite the navy. In this way a man on board the Atlanta while at anchor in -Brooklyn is just as safe as he would be at home. - -In order to enter and explore the Navy Yard it is necessary that -one should have a pass. This is a safeguard, wisely adopted by the -Commandant, in order to keep out strangers who might get in under the -pretext of wishing to view the yard and afterwards attack one of the new -vessels. - -On the day I visited the Navy Yard just ahead of me a plain but -dignified person in citizen's dress passed through the gate. He had the -bearing of an officer, I thought, and kept his eye on some object about -nine and one-fourth miles ahead as he walked past the guard. He was told -to halt, but, of course, he did not do so. - -He was above it. Then the guard overhauled him, and even felt in his -pockets for his pass, as I supposed. Concealed on his person the guard -found four pint bottles filled with the essence of crime. They poured -the poor man's rum on the grass and then fired him out, accompanied by a -rebuke which will make him more deliberate about sitting down for a week -or two. - -The feeling against arduous spirits in the United States Navy is -certainly on the increase, and the day is not far distant when alcohol -in a free state will only be used in the arts, sciences, music, -literature and the drama. - -The Richmond is a large but buoyant vessel painted black. It has a front -stairway hanging over the balcony, and the latch-string to the -front door was hanging cheerily out as we drew alongside. During an -engagement, however, on the approach of the enemy, the front stairs -are pulled up and the latch-string is pulled in, while the commanding -officer makes the statement, "April Fool" through a speaking-trumpet to -the chagrined and infuriated foe. - -The Richmond is a veteran of the late war, a war which no one ever -regretted more than I did; not so much because of the bloodshed and -desolation it caused at the time, but on account of the rude remarks -since made to those who did not believe in the war and whose feelings -have been repeatedly hurt by reference to it since the war closed. - -The guns of the Richmond are muzzle-loaders, _i.e._, the load or charge -of ammunition is put into the other or outer end of the gun instead -of the inner extremity or base of the gun, as is the case with the -breech-loader. The breech-loader is a great improvement on the old style -gun, making warfare a constant source of delirious joy now, whereas in -former times in case of a naval combat during a severe storm, the -man who went outside the ship to load the gun, while it was raining, -frequently contracted pneumonia. - -Modern guns are made with breeches, which may be easily removed during -a fight and replaced when visitors come on board. A sort of grim humor -pervades the above remark. - -The Richmond is about to sail away to China. I do not know why she -is going to China but presume she does not care to be here during the -amenities, antipathies and aspersions of a Presidential campaign. A -man-of-war would rather make some sacrifices generally than to get into -trouble. - -I must here say that I would rather be captured by our naval officers -than by any other naval officers I have ever seen. The older officers -were calm and self-possessed during my visit on board both the Richmond -and Atlanta, and the young fellows are as handsome as a steel engraving. -While gazing on them as they proudly trod the quarter deck or any -other deck that needed it, I was proud of my sex, and I could not help -thinking that had I been an unprotected but beautiful girl, hostile to -the United States, I could have picked out five or six young men -there to either of whom I would be glad to talk over the details of an -armistice. I could not help enjoying fully my hospitable treatment by -the officers above referred to after having been only a little while -before rudely repulsed and most cruelly snubbed by a haughty young -cotton-sock broker in a New York store. - -When will people ever learn that the way to have fun with me is to treat -me for the time being as an equal? - -It was wash-day on board ship, and I could not help noticing how the -tyrant man asserts himself when he becomes sole boss of the household. -The rule on board a man-of-war is that the first man who on -wash-day shall suggest a "picked-up dinner" shall be loaded into the -double-barrelled howitzer and shot into the bosom of Venus. - -On the clothes-line I noticed very few frills. The lingerie on board -a war vessel is severe in outline and almost harsh in detail. Here the -salt breezes search in vain for the singularly sawed-off and fluently -trimmed toga of our home life. Here all is changed. From the basement to -the top of the lightning rod, from pit to dome, as I was about to say, a -belligerent ship on washday is not gayly caparisoned. - -The Atlanta is a fair representative of the modern war vessel and would -be the most effective craft in the world if she could use her guns. She -has all the modern improvements, hot and cold water, electric lights, -handy to depots and a good view of the ocean, but when she shoots -off her guns they pull out her circles, abrade her deck, concuss her -rotunda, contuse the main brace and injure people who have always been -friendly to the Government. Her guns are now being removed and new -circles put in, so that in future she would be enabled to give less pain -to her friends and squirt more gloom into the ranks of the enemy. She is -at present as useful for purposes of defense as a revolver in the bottom -of a locked-up bureau drawer, the key of which is in the pocket of your -wife's dress in a dark closet, wherein also the burglar is, for the -nonce, concealed. - -Politics has very little to do with the conduct of a navy-yard. No one -would talk politics with me. I could not arouse any interest there -at all in the election. Every one seemed delighted with the present -Administration, however. The navy-yard always feels that way. - -In the choky or brig at the guard-house I saw a sailor locked up who was -extremely drunk. - -"How did you get it here, my man?" I asked. - -"Through thinfloonee of prominent Democrat, you damphool. Howje -spose?" he unto me straightway did reply. - -The sailor is sometimes infested with a style of arid humor which -asserts itself in the most unlooked-for fashion. I laughed heartily at -his odd yet coarse repartee, and went away. - -The guard-house contains a choice collection of manacles, handcuffs, -lily irons and other rare gems. The lily irons are not now in use. They -consist of two iron bands for the wrists, connected by means of a flat -iron, which can be opened up to let the wrists into place; then they -are both locked at one time by means of a wrench like the one used by a -piano-tuner. With a pair of lily irons on the wrists and another pair on -the ankles a man locked in the brig and caught out 2,000 miles at sea in -a big gale, with the rudder knocked off the ship and a large litter of -kittens in the steam cylinder, would feel almost helpless. - -I had almost forgotten to mention the drug store on board ship. Each -man-of-war has a small pharmacy on the second floor. It is open all -night, and prescriptions are carefully compounded. Pure drugs, paints, -oils, varnishes and putty are to be had there at all times. The ship's -dispensary is not a large room, but two ordinary men and a truss would -not feel crowded there. The druggists treated me well on board both -ships, and offered me my choice of antiseptics and anodynes, or anything -else I might take a fancy to. I shall do my trading in that line -hereafter on board ship. - -The Atlanta has many very modern improvements, and is said to be a -wonderful sailor. She also has a log. I saw it. It does not look exactly -like what I had, as an old lumberman, imagined that it would. - -It is a book, with writing in it, about the size of the tax-roll for -1888. In the cupola of the ship, where the wheel is located, there is -also a big brass compass about as large as the third stomach of a cow. -In this there is a little index or dingus, which always points towards -the north. That is all it has to do. On each side of the compass is -a large cannon ball so magnetized or polarized or influenced as to -overcome the attraction of the needle for some desirable portion of the -ship. There is also an index connected with the shaft whereby the man at -the wheel can ascertain the position of the shaft and also ascertain -at night whether the ship is advancing or retreating--a thing that he -should inform himself about at the earliest possible moment. - -The culinary arrangements on board these ships would make many a hotel -blush, and I have paid $1 a day for a worse room than the choky at the -guard-house. - -In the Navy-Yard at Brooklyn is the big iron hull or running gears of -an old ship of some kind which the Republicans were in the habit of -hammering on for a few weeks prior to election every four years. Four -years ago, through an oversight, the workmen were not called off nor -informed of Blaine's defeat for several days after the election.. - -The Democrats have an entirely different hull in another part of the -yard on which they are hammering. - -The keel blocks of a new cruiser, 375 feet long are just laid in the -big ship-house at the Brooklyn Navy-Yard. She will be a very airy and -cheerful boat, I judge, if the keel blocks are anything to go by. - -In closing this account I desire to state that I hope I have avoided -the inordinate use of marine terms, as I desire to make myself perfectly -clear to the ordinary landsman, even at the expense of beauty and style -of description. I would rather be thoroughly understood than confuse -the reader while exerting myself to show my knowledge of terms. I also -desire to express my thanks to the United States Navy for its kindness -and consideration during my visit. I could have been easily blown into -space half a dozen times without any opportunity to blow back through -the papers, had the navy so desired, and yet nothing but terms of -endearment passed between the navy and myself. - -Lieut. Arthur P. Nazro, Chief Engineer Henry B. Nones, Passed Assistant -Engineer E. A. Magee, Capt. F. H. Harrington, of the United States -Marine Corps; Mr. Gus C. Roeder, Apothecary Henry Wimmer and the dog -Zib, of the Richmond; Master Shipwright McGee, Capt. Miller, captain of -the yard, and Mr. Milligan, apothecary of the Atlanta, deserve honorable -mention for coolness and heroic endurance while I was there. - - - - -MORE ABOUT WASHINGTON - - -|WASHINGTON, D.C. I Have just returned from a polite and recherche party -here. - -Washington is the hot-bed of gayety, and general headquarters for the -recherche business. It would be hard to find a bontonger aggregation -than the one I was just at, to use the words of a gentleman who was -there, and who asked me if I wrote "The Heathen Chinee." - -He was a very talented man, with a broad sweep of skull and a vague -yearning for something more tangible--to drink. He was in Washington, he -said, in the interests of Mingo county. I forgot to ask him where Mingo -county might be. He took a great interest in me, and talked with me -long after he really had anything to say. He was one of those fluent -conversationalists frequently met with in society. He used one of these -web-perfecting talkers--the kind that can be fed with raw Roman -punch and that will turn out punctuated talk in links, like varnished -sausages. Being a poor talker myself and rather more fluent as a -listener, I did not interrupt him. - -He said that he was sorry to notice how young girls and their parents -came to Washington as they would to a matrimonial market. - -I was sorry also to hear it. It pained me to know that young ladies -should allow themselves to be bamboozled into matrimony. Why was it, I -asked, that matrimony should ever single out the young and fair? - -"Ah," said he, "it is indeed rough!" - -He then breathed a sigh that shook the foliage of the speckled geranium -near by, and killed an artificial caterpillar that hung on its branches. - -"Matrimony is all right," said he, "if properly brought about. It breaks -my heart, though, to notice how Washington is used as a matrimonial -market. It seems to me almost as if these here young ladies were brought -here like slaves and exposed for sale." I had noticed that they were -somewhat exposed, but I did not know that they were for sale. - -I asked him if the waists of party dresses had always been so sadly in -the minority, and he said they had. - -I danced with a beautiful young lady whose trail had evidently caught -in a doorway. She hadn't noticed it till she had walked out partially -through her costume. I do not think a lady ought to give too much -thought to her apparel, neither should she feel too much above her -clothes. I say this in the kindest spirit, because I believe that man -should be a friend to woman. No family circle is complete without a -woman. She is like a glad landscape to the weary eye. Individually and -collectively, woman is a great adjunct of civilization and progress. The -electric light is a good thing, but how pale and feeble it looks by the -light of a good woman's eyes. The telephone is a great invention. It is -a good thing to talk at and murmur into and deposit profanity in, but to -take up a conversation and keep it up and follow a man out through the -front door with it, the telephone has still much to learn from woman. - -It is said that our government officials are not sufficiently paid, and -I presume that is the case, so it became necessary to economize in every -way, but, why should wives concentrate all their economy on the waist of -a dress? When chest protectors are so cheap as they now are, I hate to -see people suffer, and there is more real suffering, more privation and -more destitution, pervading the Washington scapula and clavicle this -winter than I ever saw before. - -But I do not hope to change this custom, though I spoke to several -ladies about it, and asked them to think it over. I do not think they -will. It seems almost wicked to cut off the best part of a dress and put -it at the other end of the skirt, to be trodden under feet of men, as I -may say. They smiled good humoredly at me as I tried to impress my views -upon them, but should I go there again next season and mingle in the mad -whirl of Washington, where these fair women are also mingling in said -mad whirl, I presume that I will find them clothed in the same gaslight -waist, with trimmings of real vertebrę down the back. - -Still, what does a man know about the proper costume for woman? He knows -nothing whatever. He is in many ways a little inconsistent. Why does a -man frown on a certain costume for his wife and admire it on the first -woman he meets? Why does he fight shy of religion and Christianity -and talk very freely about the church, but get mad if his wife is an -infidel? - -Crops around Washington are looking well. Winter wheat, crocusses and -indefinite postponements were never in a more thrifty condition. Quite a -number of people are here who are waiting to be confirmed. Judging from -their habits, they are lingering around here in order to become -confirmed drunkards. - -I leave here to-morrow with a large, wet towel in my plug hat. Perhaps -I should have said nothing on this dress reform question while my hat -is fitting me so immediately. It is seldom that I step aside from the -beaten path of rectitude, but last evening, on the way home, it seemed -to me that I didn't do much else but step aside. At these parties no -charge is made for punch. It is perfectly free. I asked a colored man -who stood near the punch bowl, and who replenished it ever and anon, -what the damage was, and he drew himself up to his full height. - -Possibly I did wrong, but I hate to be a burden on any one. It seemed -odd to me to go to a first-class dance and find the supper and the band -and the rum all paid for. It must cost a good deal of money to run this -government. - - - - -A GREAT BENEFACTOR - - -|IT WAS not generally known at the time, but about a year ago a -gentleman from Jays-burg, named Alanson G-. Meltz, opened a law office -in Chicago, intending to give that city a style of clear-cut counseling, -soliciting, conveyancing, prosecuting and defending, such as she had -never witnessed before. He was young, but he was full of confidence, -and as he pulled the nails out of the dry goods boxes, in which he had -brought his revised statutes and replevin appliances, he felt ready -and willing to furnish advice at living rates to all who would come and -examine his stock. - -But time kept on in his remorseless flight, bringing in at the casement -of Mr. Meltz the roar and hum of traffic, and the nut-brown flavor of -the Chicago river, but that was all. He was there, ready and almost -eager to advise one and all, but one and all, without exception, evaded -him. No matter how gayly he lettered his window with the announcement -that he would procure a divorce for any one without pain, married people -continued to suffer on or go elsewhere. Even though he had put up a -transparency: - -DIVORCES PREPARED - -WHILE YOU WAIT! - -No one called at his office, No. 61 Water street, to get one. Day after -day innumerable people went by him in the mad rush and hurry of life, -married but not mated, forgetting that Mr. Meltz could relieve them -without publicity. - -Remorseless time had rolled on in this way for three months, now and -then picking out a fragment of the cornice on the new court-house and -braining a pedestrian with it, when one day Mr. Meltz was solicited by -the proprietor of a new remedy for indigestion and brain-fever to try -his medicine. He also told Mr. Meltz that in case of cure or beneficial -effects he desired to use his endorsement, and as the remedy was new -he proposed to issue an edition of 1,000,000 circulars containing the -endorsement of prominent professional people of Chicago. - -Alanson G. Meltz bought a bottle and began using it. In three weeks the -following endorsement entered over a million and a half families in the -United States at the expense of the man who owned the remedy: - -Chicago, Dec. 13, 1883. - -Dr. J. Burdock Wells.-- - -Sir: I am a lawyer of this city, and for the past year have been -seriously and dangerously afflicted with sharp, darting pains up and -down the spinal column, dimness of sight, acidity of the tonsils and -in-growing spleen. I suffered the agonies of the d------d. - -I take this method of informing the world, especially those who may be -suffering as I did, that less than a month ago I was in a pitiful -state. I have a large practice, especially as an attorney, in procuring -noiseless divorces. My office is at No. 6 5/8 South Water Street, and -for years I have been engaged in this line, procuring divorces for -thousands everywhere, orders filled by mail, etc., by a new system of -my own, by which applicants throughout the union may be treated at a -distance as well as in my office. - -This had so taken up my time and engrossed my attention that, before I -knew it, my health had become impaired materially, and I did not know at -any time but that the next succeeding moment might be my subsequent one. -With clients calling on me and pressing me by mail for their services, -with persistent people hurrying and urging me for divorces, so that they -could marry some one else without unnecessary delay, I was stricken -down with ingrowing spleen and gastric yearning of the most violent -character. My physicians gave me up. They said I could never recover. I -was in despair. - -At that moment, like a clap of thunder from a clear sky, came Dr. J. -Burdock Wells, with a bottle of his unerring Bile Renovator and Gastric -Rectifier. I took one bottle and called for another. In a little while I -began to hope. - -When I arose in the morning my mouth did not taste like that of a total -stranger any more. In one week my eye had recovered its old brilliancy, -and in ten days I was back in my office again at No. 6 5/8 South Water -Street, rapidly catching up with my large business and answering all -calls made upon me from all quarters. I have not only regained my -health, but I have been the humble means, since my recovery, of bringing -peace to many an aching heart. One man from Kansas writes me: "Your -recovery was indeed a great boon to me. You have saved my life. Whenever -I want a divorce again I shall surely go to you. God bless you and -prolong your life for many years that you may go on spreading joy and -hope again throughout our broad land, furnishing your automatic and -delightful divorces to those who suffer." I can most heartily endorse -Dr. J. Burdock Wells' remedy and would cheerfully recommend it to those -who have tried everything else without success. I would be glad to have -any or all who suffer call at my office, No. 6 5/8 South Water street, -if they doubt my recovery, when they will find me removing superfluous -husbands or wives absolutely without pain. - -Alanson G. Meltz. - -Attorney and counselor-at-law, solicitor in chancery. - -Practices in all the courts. Divorces sent C. O. D. at a moment's -notice. Try our home treatment for divorce. - -A man who visited Mr. Meltz' office last week says that his business is -simply enormous, and that he has added to his former office the gorgeous -room at No. 7 1/8 People are now coming from all quarters of the globe -to get Mr. Meltz to administer his divorces to them. - - - - -THE COUPON LETTER OF INTRODUCTION - - -|THE interchange of letters of introduction between old friends, by -which valuable acquaintances are added to the list, is a great blessing, -and in good hands these letters have, no doubt, been the beginning -of many a warm friendship; but, like all other blessings, it has been -greatly abused. I have been the recipient of letters, presented by -tourists, which, it was easy to see, had been wrung from some sandbagged -friend of mine--letters with sobs between the lines, letters punctuated -with invisible signals, calling upon me to remember that the bearer had -looked over the writer's shoulder as each sentence grew into a polite -prevarication. - -To those who are in the habit of giving hearty letters of introduction -and endorsement to casual acquaintances, I desire to say that I am -perfecting a system by which the drugged and kidnapped writer of a style -of assumed sincerity and bogus hilarity will be thoroughly protected. - -Let me explain briefly and then illustrate my method. - -A casual acquaintance, who has met you, say four or five times, and who -feels thoroughly intimate with you, calling you by the name that no -one uses but your wife, approaches you with an air of confidence -that betrays his utter ignorance of himself, and asks for a letter of -introduction (in the same serious vein in which one asks for a match). -You are already provided with my numbered Introductory Letter Pad. You -write the letter of introduction on a sheet numbered to correspond with -a letter of advice mailed simultaneously to the person who is to submit -to the letter of introduction. - -For instance, a young man, inclined to be fresh, enters your office or -library and states that he is going abroad. He has learned that you are -intimate with Dom Pedro, of Brazil. Perhaps you have conveyed that idea -unintentionally while in the young man's presence at some time. So now -he asks the trifling favor of a letter of introduction to the Emperor. -He is going to see the President and Cabinet and the members of the -Supreme Court before he leaves this country, and when he goes to South -America he naturally wants to meet Dom Pedro. - -So you fill out the right-hand end or coupon of the sheet as follows: - -[International Introductory Letter System, Form Z 23.] - -No. B 135,986. - -New York, Dec. 25,1886. - -Sir: You will please honor this letter of introduction in accordance -with the terms of a certain letter of advice numbered as above, and -bearing even date herewith, mailed to you this day, and oblige, Yours, -etc., - -A. B. - -The young man goes abroad with this letter inclosed in a maroon -alligator-skin pocket-book, and when he arrives in Brazil he finds that -the way has been paved for him by the following letter of advice: - -[International Introductory Letter System, Form Z 23,] New York, Dec. -25, 1886. - -No. B 135,986. - -Sir: Mr. W------, a young man with great assurance and a maroon-colored -alligator-skin pocket-book, bearing a letter of introduction to you -numbered as above, is now at large. He will visit Europe for a few -weeks, after which he will tour about South America. He will make a -specialty of volcanoes and monarchs. - -He will offer to exchange photographs with you, but you must use your -own judgment about complying with this request. Do not allow this letter -to influence you in the matter. - -You will readily recognize him by the wonderful confidence which he has -in himself, and which is not shared by those who know him here. - -He is a fluent conversationalist, and can talk for hours without fatigue -to himself. - -You will find it very difficult to wound his feelings, but there would -be no harm in trying. - -Should you get this letter in time, you might do as you thought best in -the matter of quarantine. Some foreign powers are doing that way. - -Mr. W------has met a great many prominent people in this country. -What this country needs is more free trade on the high seas and better -protection for its prominent people. - -I have tried to be conservative in what I have said here, and if I have -given you a better opinion of the young man than his conduct on -fuller acquaintance will warrant, I assure you that I have not done so -intentionally. - -You will notice at once that he is a self-made man, so your admiration -for the works of nature need not be in any way diminished. With due -respect, your most obedient servant, - -A. B. - -To his Imperial Highness D. Pedro, Esq., - -Brazil, S. A. - -No. Z 30,805. - -Sir: This letter of advice will probably precede a tall youth named -Brindley. Mr. Brindley is a young man who, by a strange combination of -circumstances, is the eldest son of a perfect gentleman, who now has, -and will ever continue to have, my highest esteem and my promissory note -for $250. - -Will you kindly bear this in mind while you peruse my pleading letter of -introduction, which will accompany Mr. Brindley, Jr.? - -All through his stormy and tempestuous career in the capacity of son -to his father, he has never done anything that the grand jury could get -hold of. Treat him as well as you can consistently, and if you can get -him a position in a bank, I am sure his father would appreciate it. A -place in a bank, where he would not have anything to do but look pretty -and declare dividends in a shrill falsetto voice, would please him very -much. He is a very good declaimer. He is not accustomed to manual -toil, but he has always yearned to do literary work. If he could do -the editorial work connected with the sight-draft department, or write -humorous indorsements on the backs of checks, over a _nom deplume_, -it would tickle the boy almost to death. Anything you could do toward -getting him a position in a large bank that is nailed down securely, -would be thoroughly appreciated by me, and I should be glad to retaliate -at any time. - -Yours candidly, - -Wyman Dayton. - -To Mr. K. O. Peck, London. - -A beautiful feature of this invaluable system is the understanding -to which everybody is committed, that the original letter is entirely -worthless on its presentation unless the letter of advice has been -already received. - - - - -HOW TO TEACH JOURNALISM - - -|I AM GLAD to know Cornell University is to I establish a department of -journalism next September. I have always claimed that journalism could -be taught in universities and colleges just as successfully as any other -athletic exercise. Of course you cannot teach a boy how to jerk a giant -journal from the clutches of decay and make of it a robust and rip -snorting shaper and trimmer of public opinion, in whose counting-room -people will walk all over each other in their mad efforts to insert -advertisements. You cannot teach this in a school any more than you can -teach a boy how to discover the open Polar Sea, but you can teach -him the rudiments and save him a good deal of time experimenting with -himself. - -Boys spend small fortunes and the best years of their lives learning the -simplest truths in relation to journalism. We grope on blindly, learning -this year perhaps how to distinguish an italic shooting-stick when we -see it, or how to eradicate type lice from a standing galley, learning -next year how to sustain life on an annual pass and a sample -early-rose potato weighing four pounds and measuring eleven inches in -circumference. This is a slow and tedious way to obtain journalistic -training. If this can be avoided or abbreviated it will be a great boon. - -As I understand it, the department in Cornell University will not deal -so much with actual newspaper experience as it will with construction -and style in writing. This is certainly a good move, for we must -admit that we can improve very greatly our style and the purity of -our English. For instance, I select an exchange at random, and on the -telegraphic page I find the details of a horrible crime. It seems that -an old lady, who lived by herself almost, and who had amassed between -$16 and $17, was awakened by an assassin, dragged from her bed and -cruelly murdered. The large telegraph headline reads: "Drug from her bed -and murdered!" This is incorrect in orthography, syntax and prosody, bad -in form and inelegant in style. Carefully parsing the word drug as it -appears here, I find that it does not agree with anything in number, -gender or person. I do not like to criticise the style of others when I -know that my own is so faulty, but I am sure that the word drug should -not be used in this way. - -Take the following, also, from the Kansas correspondence of the -Statesville (N.C.) _Landmark_: - -"There were several bad accidents in and around Clear Water during -my absence from home. The saddest one was the shooting of one Peter -Peterson by his father. They were out rabbit-hunting in the snow. A -rabbit got up and started to run. The son was in a swag of a place and -the father was taking aim at the rabbit. The son at the same time -was trying to get a shot at it and, not knowing that his father was -shooting, ran between the rabbit and his father and was killed dead, -falling on the snow with his gun grasped in his hands and never moved. -He still carried that pleasant smile which he had on, in expectation of -shooting that jack rabbit, when put in the grave. Wheat is selling at -about 60 cents; corn, 40 to 50 cents; fat hogs, gross, 44 to 41; fat -steers, 41; butcher's stock, 2 cents." - -It is hard to say just exactly wherein this is faulty, but something is -the matter with it. I would like to get an expression of opinion from -those who take an interest in such things, as to whether the fault is in -orthoepy, orthography, anatomy, obituary or price current, or whether it -consists in writing several features too closely in the same paragraph. - -It would also be a good idea to establish a chair for advertisers in -some practical college, in order that they might run in for a few hours -and learn how to write an advertisement so that it would express in the -most direct way what they desired to state. Here is an advertisement, -for instance, which is given exactly as written and punctuated: - -Mrs. Dr. Edwards, - - - - -THE GREAT WESTERN CLAIRVOYANT, - - -Has arrived, and-will remain only a short time. Call at once at HOTEL -WINDSOR, 119, 121 and 123 East State street, Room 19, third floor. -Please take elevator. - -The greatest and most natural born, and highly celebrated, and -well-known all over the country, Clairvoyant, now traveling on the road, -and Wonder from the Pacific coast. - -Seventh Daughter of the Seventh Daughter; born with veil and second -sight; every mystery revealed; if one you love is true or false; removes -trouble; settles lovers' quarrels; causes a speedy marriage with one you -Jove; valuable information to gentlemen on all business transactions; -how to make profitable investments for speedy riches; lucky numbers; -Egyptian talisman for the un lucky; cures mysterious and chronic -diseases. All who are sick or in trouble from any cause are invited to -call without delay. - -I have always claimed that clairvoyance could be made a success if we -could find some one who was sufficiently natural born to grapple with -it. Now, Mrs. Edwards seems to know what is required. She was born -utterly without affectation. When she was born she just seemed to say to -those who happened to be present at the time, "Fellow citizens, you will -have to take me just as you find me. I cannot dissemble or appear to -be otherwise than what I am. I am the most natural born and highly -celebrated all over the country clairvoyant now traveling on the road, -and Wonder from the Pacific coast." She then let off a whoop that ripped -open the sable robes of night, after which she took a light lunch and -retired to her dressing-room. - -Ex-Mayor Henry C. Robinson, of Hartford, Conn., if I am not mistaken, -suggested a school of journalism at least twelve years ago, but it did -not meet with immediate and practical indorsement. Now Cornell comes -forward and seems to be in earnest, and I am glad of it. The letters -received from day to day by editors, and written to them by men engaged -in other pursuits, practically admit and prove that there is not now in -existence an editor who knows enough to carry liver to a bear. - -That is the reason why every means should be used to pull this -profession out of the mire of dense ignorance and place it upon the -high, dry soil which leads to genius and consanguinity. - -The above paragraph I quote from a treatise on journalism which I wrote -just before I knew anything about it. - -The life of the journalist is a hard one, and, although it is not -so trying as the life of the newspaper man, it is full of trials and -perplexities. If newspaper men and journalists did not stand by each -other I do not know what joy they would have. Kindness for each other, -gentleness and generosity, even in their rivalry, characterize the -conduct of a large number of them. - -I shall never forget my first opportunity to do a kind act for a fellow -newspaper man, nor with what pleasure I availed myself of it, though -he was my rival, especially in the publication of large and spirited -equestrian handbills and posters. He also printed a rival paper and -assailed me most bitterly from time to time. His name was Lorenzo Dow -Pease, and we had carried on an acrimonious warfare for two years. He -had said that I was a reformed Prohibitionist and that I had left a -neglected wife in every State in the Union. I had stated that he would -give better satisfaction if he would wear his brains breaded. Then he -had said something else that was personal and it had gone on so for -some time. We devoted fifteen minutes each day to the management of our -respective papers, and the balance of the day to doing each other up in -a way to please our subscribers. - -One evening Lorenzo Dow Pease came into my office and said he wanted to -see me personally. I said that would suit me exactly and that if he -had asked to see me in any other way I did not know how I could have -arranged it. He said he meant that he would like to see me by myself. I -therefore discharged the force, turned out the dog and we had the office -to ourselves. I could see that he was in trouble, for every little while -he would brush away a tear in an underhanded kind of way and swallow -a large, imaginary mass of something. I asked Lorenzo why he felt so -depressed, and he said: "William, I have came here for a favor." He -always said "I have came," for he was a self-made man and hadn't done a -very good job either. "I have came here for a favor. I wrote a reply to -your venomous attack of to-day and I expected to publish it to-morrow in -my paper, but, to tell you the truth, we are out of paper. At least, we -have a few bundles at the freight office, but they have taken to sending -it C. O. D., and I haven't the means just at hand to take it out. Now, -as a brother in the great and glorious order of journalism, would it be -too much for you to loan me a couple of bundles of paper to do me till I -get my pay for some equestrian bills struck off Friday and just as good -as the wheat?" - -"How long would a couple of bundles last you?" I asked as I looked out -at the window and wondered if he would reveal his circulation. - -"Five issues and a little over," he said, filling his pipe from a small -box on the desk. - -"But you could cut off your exchanges and then it would last longer," I -remarked. - -"Yes, but only for one additional issue. I am very anxious to appear -to-morrow, because my subscribers will be looking for a reply to what -you said about me this morning. You stated that I was 'a journalistic -bacteria looking for something to infect,' and while I did not come here -to get you to retract, I would like it as a favor if you would loan me -enough white paper to set myself straight before my subscribers." - -"Well, why don't you go and tell them about it? It wouldn't take long," -I said in a jocund way, slapping Lorenzo on the back. But he did not -laugh. I then told him that we only had paper enough to last us till -our next bill came, and so I could not possibly loan any, but that if he -would write a caustic reply to my editorial I would print it for him. He -caught me in his arms and then for a moment his head was pillowed on my -breast. Then he sat down and wrote the following card: - -Editor of the Boomerang: - -Will you allow me through your columns to state that in your issue -of yesterday you did me a great injustice by referring to me as a -journalistic bacteria looking for something to infect; also, as a lop -eared germ of contagion, and warning people to vaccinate in order -to prevent my spread? I denounce the whole article as a malicious -falsehood, and state that if you will only give me a chance I will fight -you on sight. All I ask is that you will wait till I can overtake you, -and I am able and willing to knock great chunks off the universe with -you. I do not ask any favors of an editor who misleads his subscribers -and intentionally misunderstands his correspondents; a man who advises -an anxious inquirer who wants to know "how to get a cheap baby buggy" to -leave the child at a cheap hotel; a man who assumes to wear brains, -but who really thinks with a fungus growth; a man the bleak and -barren exterior of whose head is only equalled by its bald and echoing -interior. - -Lorenzo Dow Pease. - -I looked it over, and as there didn't seem to be anything personal in -it, I told him I would print it for him with pleasure. He then asked -that I would, as a further favor, refrain from putting any advertising -marks on it and that I would make it follow pure reading matter, which -I did. I leaded the card and printed it with a simple word of -introduction, in which I said that I took pleasure in printing it, -inasmuch as Mr. Pease could not get his paper out of the express office -for a few days. It was a kindness to him and did not hurt my paper in -the end. - -There are many reasons why the establishment of a department of -journalism at Cornell will be a good move, and I believe that while it -will not take the place of actual experience, it will serve to shorten -the apprenticeship of a young newspaper man and the fatigue of starting -the amateur in journalism will be divided between the managing editor -and the tutor. It will also give the aspiring sons of wealthy parents -a chance to toy with journalism without interfering with those who are -actually engaged in it. - - - - -HIS GARDEN - - -|I ALWAYS enjoy a vegetable garden, and through the winter I look -forward to the spring days when I will take my cob pipe and hoe and -go joyously afield. I like to toy with the moist earth and the common -squash bug of the work-a-day world. It is a pleasure also to irrigate -the garden, watering the sauer kraut plant and the timid tomato vine as -though they were children asking for a drink. I am never happier than -when I am engaged in irrigating my tropical garden or climbing my -neighbor with a hoe when he shuts off my water supply by sticking an old -pair of pantaloons in the canal that leads to my squash conservatory. - -One day a man shut off my irrigation that way and dammed the water up -to such a degree that I shut off his air supply, and I was about to say -dammed him up also. We had quite a scuffle. Up to that time we had never -exchanged a harsh word. That morning I noticed that my early climbing -horse-radish and my dwarf army worms were looking a little au revoir, -and I wondered what was the matter. I had been absent several days and -was grieved to notice that my garden had a kind of blase air, as though -it needed rest and change of scene. - -The Poland China egg-plant looked up sadly at me and seemed to say: -"Pardner, don't you think it's a long time between drinks?" The -watermelon seemed to have a dark brown taste in its mouth, and there was -an air of gloom all over the garden. - -At that moment I discovered my next-door neighbor at the ditch on the -corner. He was singing softly to himself: - -O, yes, I'll meet you; - -I'll meet you when the sun goes down. - -He was also jamming an old pair of Rembrandt pants into the canal, where -they would shut off my supply. He stood with his back towards me, and -just as he said he would "meet me when the sun went down," I smote him -across the back of the neck with my hoe handle, and before he could -recover from the first dumb surprise and wonder, I pulled the dripping -pantaloons out of the ditch and tied them in a true-lover's knot around -his neck. He began to look black in the face, and his struggles soon -ceased altogether. At that moment his wife came out and shrieked -two pure womanly shrieks, and hissed in my ear: "You have killed me -husband!" - -I said, possibly I had. If so, would she please send in the bill and -I would adjust it at an early day. I said this in a bantering tone of -voice, and raising my hat to her in that polished way of mine, started -to go, when something fell with a thud on the greensward! - -It was the author of these lines. I did not know till two days afterward -that my neighbor's wife wore a moire antique rolling-pin under her apron -that morning. I did not suspect it till it was too late. The affair was -kind of hushed up on account of the respectability of the parties. - -By the time I had recovered the garden seemed to melt away into thin -air. My neighbor had it all his own way, and while his proud hollyhocks -and Johnny-jump-ups reared their heads to drink the mountain water at -the twilight hour, my little, low-necked, summer squashes curled up and -died. - -Most every year yet I made a garden. I pay a man $3 to plow it. Then I -pay $7.50 for garden seeds and in July I hire the same man at $3 to -summer-fallow the whole thing while I go and buy my vegetables of a -Chinaman named Wun Lung. I've done this now for eight years, and I owe -my robust health and rich olive complexion to the fact that I've got a -garden and do just as little in it as possible. Parties desiring a dozen -or more of my Shanghai egg-plants to set under an ordinary domestic hen -can procure the same by writing to me and enclosing lock of hair and -$10. - - - - -WRITTEN TO THE BOY - - -Asheville, N. C., Feb. 10,1887. - -|MY DEAR HENRY: Your last issue of the _Retina_, your new thought -vehicle, published at New Belony, this state, was received yesterday. I -like this number, I think, better than I did the first. While the news -in it seems fresher, the editorial assertions are not so fresh. You do -not state that you "have come to stay" this week, but I infer that you -occupy the same position you did last week with inference to that. - -I was more especially interested in your piece about how to rear -children and the care of parents. I read it to your mother last night -while she was setting her bread. Nothing tickles me very often at my -time of life, and when I laugh a loud peal of laughter at anything -nowadays it's got to be a pretty blamed good thing, I can tell you that. -But your piece about bringing up children made me laugh real hard. I -enjoy a piece like that from the pen of a juicy young brain like yours. -It almost made me young again to read the words of my journalistic -gosling son. - -You also say that "teething is the most trying time for parents." Do you -mean that parents are more fretful when they are teething than any other -time? Your mother and me reckoned that you must mean that. If so, it -shows your great research. How a mere child hardly out of knee-panties, -a young shoot like you, who was never a parent for a moment in his life, -can enter into and understand the woes that beset parents is more than -I can understand. If you had been through what I have while teething I -could see how you might understand and write about it, but at present -I do not see through it. The first teeth I cut as a parent made me very -restless. I was sick two years ago with a new disease that was just out -and the doctor gave me something for it that made my teeth fall like the -leaves of autumn. In six weeks after I began to convalesce my mouth was -perfectly bald-headed. For days I didn't bite into a Ben Davis apple -that I didn't leave a fang into it. - -Well, after that I saw an advertisement in the _Rural Rustler_--a paper -I used to take then--of a place where you could get a set of teeth for -$6. - -I didn't want to buy a high-priced and gaudy set of teeth at the tail -end of such a life as I had led, and I knew that teeth, no matter how -expensive they might be, would be of little avail to coming generations, -so I went over to the place named in the paper and got an impression of -my mouth taken. - -There is really nothing in this life that will take the stiff-necked -pride out of a man like viewing a plaster cast of his tottering mouth. -The dentist fed me with a large ladle full of putty or plaster of paris, -I reckon, and told me to hold it in my mouth till it set. - -I don't remember a time in all my life when the earth and transitory -things ever looked so undesirable and so trifling as they did while I -sat there in that big red barber-chair with my mouth full of cold putty. -I felt just as a man might when he is being taxidermied. - -After awhile the dentist took out the cast. It was a cloudy day and so -it didn't look much like me after all. If it had I would have sent -you one. After I'd set again two or three times, we got a pretty fair -likeness, he said, and I went home, having paid $6 and left my address. - -Three weeks after that a small boy came with my new teeth. - -They were nice, white, shiny teeth, and did not look very ghastly after -I had become used to them. I wished at first that the gums had been a -duller red and that the teeth had not looked so new. I put them in my -mouth, but they felt cold and distant. I took them out and warmed them -in the sunlight. People going by no doubt thought that I did it to show -that I was able to have new teeth, but that was not the case. - -I wore them all that forenoon while I butchered. There were times -during the forenoon when I wanted to take them out, but when a man is -butchering he hates to take his teeth out just because they hurt. - -Neighbors told me that after my mouth got hardened on the inside it -would feel better. - -But, oh, how it relieved me at night to take those teeth out and put -them on the top of a cool bureau, where the wind could blow through -their whiskers! How I hated to resume them in the morning and start -in on another long day, when the roof of my mouth felt like a big, red -bunion and my gums like a pale red stone-bruise. - -A year ago, Henry, about two-thirty in the afternoon I think it was, I -left that set of teeth in the rare flank of a barbecue I was to in our -town. - -Since then I have not been so pretty, perhaps, but I have no more -unicorns on the rafters of my mouth and my note is just as good at -thirty days as ever it was. - -You are right, Henry, when you go on to state in your paper that -teething is the most trying time for parents. - -Ta, ta, as the feller says. - -Your father. - - - - -ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS - - -George E. Beath, Areola, Ill.,-writes to know "the value of a silver -dollar of 1878 with eight feathers in the eagle's tail." - -It is worth what you can get for it, Mr. Beath. Perhaps the better way -would be to forward it to me and I will do the best I can with it. There -being but eight feathers in the eagle's tail would be no drawback. Send -it to me at once and I will work it off for you, Mr. Beath. - -"Tutor," Tucson, Ariz., asks "What do you regard as the best method of -teaching the alphabet to children?" - -Very likely my method would hardly receive your indorsement, but with -my own children I succeed by using an alphabet with the names attached, -which I give below. I find that by connecting the alphabet with certain -easy and interesting subjects the child rapidly acquires knowledge of -the letter, and it becomes firmly fixed in the mind. I use the following -list of alphabetical names in the order given below: - -A is for Antediluvian, Anarchistic and Agamemnon. - -B is for Bucephalus, Burgundy and Bull-head. C is for Cantharides, -Confucius and Casabianca. D is for Deuteronomy, Delphi and Dishabille. - -E is for Euripedes, European and Effervescent. F is for Fumigate, -Farinaceous and Fundamental. - -G is for Garrulous, Gastric and Gangrene. - -H is for Hamestrap, Honeysuckle and Hoyle. - -I is for Idiosyncrasy, Idiomatic and Iodine. - -J is for Jaundice, Jamaica and Jeu-d'esprit. - -K is for Kandilphi, Kindergarten and KuKlux. L is for Lop-sided, Lazarus -and Llano Estacado. M is for Menengitis, Mardi Gras and Mesopotamia. - -N is for Narragansett, Neapolitan and Nix-comarous. - -Q is for Oleander, Oleaginous and Oleomargarine. - -P is for Phlebotomy, Phthisic and Parabola. - -Q is for Query, Quasi and Quits. - -R is for Rejuvenate, Regina and Requiescat. - -S is for Simultaneous, Sigauche and Saleratus. - -T is for Tubercular, Themistocles and Thereabouts. - -U is for Ultramarine, Uninitiated and Utopian. - -V is for Voluminous, Voltaire and Vivisection. W is for Witherspoon, -Woodcraft and Washerwoman. - -X is for Xenophon, Xerxes and Xmas. - -Y is for Ysdle, Yahoo and Yellowjacket. - -Z is for Zoological, Zanzibar and Zacatecas. - -In this way the eye of the child is first appealed to. He becomes -familiar with the words which begin with a certain letter, and before he -knows it the letter itself has impressed itself upon his memory. - -Sometimes, however, where my children were slow to remember a word and -hence its corresponding letter, I have drawn the object on a blackboard -or on the side of the barn. For instance, we will suppose that D is hard -to fix in the mind of the pupil and the words to which it belongs as -an initial do not readily cling to memory. I have only to draw upon the -board a Deuteronomy, a Delphi, or a Dishabille, and he will never forget -it. No matter how he may struggle to do so, it will still continue to -haunt his brain forever. The same with Z, which is a very difficult -letter to remember. I assist the memory by stimulating the eye, drawing -rapidly, and crudely perhaps, a Zoological, a Zanzibar or a Zacatecas. - -The great difficulty in teaching children the letters is that there is -really nothing in the naked alphabet itself to win a child's love. We -must dress it in attractive colors and gaudy plumage so that he will be -involuntarily drawn to it. - -Those who have used my method say that after mastering the alphabet, the -binomial theorum and the rule in Shelly's case seemed like child's play. -This goes to show what method and discipline will accomplish in the mind -of the young. - -"Fond Mother," Braley's Fork, asks: "What shall I name my little girl -baby?" - -That will depend upon yourself very largely, "Fond Mother." Very likely -if your little girl is very rugged and grows up to be the fat woman in -a museum, she will wear the name of Lily. When a girl is named Lily, -she at once manifests a strong desire to grow up with a complexion like -Othello and the same fatal yearning for some one to strangle. This is -not always thus, but girls are obstinate, and it is better not to put a -name on a girl baby that she will not live up to. - -Again, "Fond Mother," let me urge you to refrain from naming your little -daughter a soft, flabby name like Irma, Geraldine, Bandoline, Lilelia, -Potassa, Valerian, Rosetta or Castoria. These names belong to the -inflammatory pages of the American novelette. Do not put such a name on -your innocent child. Imagine this inscription on a marble slab: - -TRIFOLIATA, - -BELOVED DAUGHTER OF - -GERALD AND VASELINE TUBBS, - -DIED MARCH 27,1888. - -SHE CAUGHT COLD IN HER FRONT NAME. - -I have seen a young lady try faithfully for years to live down one of -these flimsy, cheesecloth names, but the harsh world would not have it. -A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches, and while I can -imagine your little girl in future years as a white-haired and lovely -grandmother, wearing the name of Mary or Ruth, with a double chin -that seems to ever beckon the old gentleman to come and chuck his fat -forefinger under it, I cannot, in my mind's eye, see her as a household -deity, wearing a white cap and the name of Rosette or Penumbra, or -Sogodontia, or Catalpa, or Voxliumania. - - - - -THE FARMER AND THE TARIFF. - - -|ON BOARD a western train the other day I held in my bosom for over -seventy-five miles the elbow of a large man whose name I do not know. -He was not a railroad hog or I would have resented it. He was built wide -and he couldn't help it, so I forgave him. - -He had a large, gentle, kindly eye, and when he desired to spit he -went to the car door, opened it and decorated the entire outside of -the train, forgetting that our speed would help to give scope to his -remarks. - -Naturally, as he sat there by my side, holding on tightly to his ticket -and evidently afraid the conductor would forget to come and get it, -I began to figure out in my mind what might be his business. He had -pounded one thumb so that the nail was black where the blood had settled -under it. This might happen to a shoemaker, a carpenter, a blacksmith, -or almost any one else. So it didn't help me out much, though it looked -to me as though it might have been done by trying to drive a fence-nail -through a leather hinge with the back of an ax, and nobody but a farmer -would try to do that. Following up the clew, I discovered that he had -milk on his boots, and then I knew I was right. The man who milks before -daylight in a dark barn when the thermometer is 28° below zero, and who -hits his boots by reason of the uncertain light and prudishness of the -cow, is a marked man. He cannot conceal the fact that he is a farmer -unless he removes that badge. So I started out on that theory, and -remarked that this would pass for a pretty hard winter on stock. The -thought was not original with me, for I have heard it expressed by -others either in this country or Europe. He said it would. - -"My cattle has gone through a mowful o' hay sence October and eleven -ton o' brand. Hay don't seem to have the goodness to it thet it hed last -year, and with their new process griss mills they jerk all the juice out -o' brand, so's you might as well feed cows with excelsior and upholster -your horses with hemlock bark as to buy brand." - -"Well, why do you run so much to stock? Why don't you try diversified -farming and rotation of crops?" - -"Well, prob'ly you got that idee in the papers. A man that earns big -wages writing 'Farm Hints' for agricultural papers can make more money -with a soft lead-pencil and two or three season-cracked idees like that -'n I can carrying of 'em out on the farm. We used to have a feller in -the drug-store in our town that wrote such good pieces for the _Rural -Vermonter_, and made up such a good condition powder out of his own head -that two years ago we asked him to write a nessay for the annual meeting -of the Buckwheat Trust, and to use his own judgment about choice of -subject. And what do you s'pose he had selected for a nessey that took -the whole forenoon to read?" - -"What subject, you mean?" - -"Yes." - -"Give it up!" - -"Well, he'd wrote out that whole blamed intellectual wad on the subject -of 'The Inhumanity of Dehorning Hydraulic Rams.' How's that?" - -"That's pretty fair." - -"Well, farmin' is like runnin' a paper in regard to some things. Every -feller in the world will take and turn in and tell you how to do it, -even if he don't know a blame thing about it. There ain't a man in the -United States to-day that don't secretly think he could run airy one -if his other business busted on him, whether he knows the difference -between a new milch cow or a horse hayrake or not. We had one of these -embroidered nightshirt farmers come from town better'n three years ago. -Been a toilet-soap man and done well, and so he came out and bought a -farm that had nothing to it but a fancy house and barn, a lot of medder -in the front yard, and a Southern aspect. The farm was no good. You -couldn't raise a disturbance on it. Well, what does he do? Goes and gits -a passle of slim-tailed yeller cows from New Jersey and aims to handle -cream and diversified farming. Last year the cuss sent a load of cream -over and tried to sell it at the new crematory while the funeral and -hollercost was goin' on. I may be a sort of a chump myself, but I read -my paper and don't get left like that." - -"What are the prospects for farmers in your State?" - -"Well, they are pore. Never was so pore, in fact, sence I've ben -there. Folks wonder why boys leaves the farm. My boys left so as to get -protected, they said, and so they went into a clothing store, one of -'em, and one went into hardware, and one is talkin' protection in the -Legislature this winter. They said that farmin' was gettin' to be like -fishin' and huntin', well enough for a man that has means and leisure, -but they couldn't make a livin' at it, they said. Another boy is in a -drug store, and the man that hires him says he is a royal feller." - -"Kind of a castor royal feller," I said, with a shriek of laughter. - -He waited until I had laughed all I wanted to, and then he said: - -"I've always hollered for high tariff in order to hyst the public debt, -but now that we've got the National debt coopered I wish they'd take -a little hack at mine. I've put in fifty years farmin'. I never drank -licker in any form. I've worked from ten to eighteen hours a day; been -economical in cloz and never went to a show more'n a dozen times in my -life; raised a family and learned upwards of two hundred calves to drink -out of a tin pail without blowing their vittles up my sleeve. My wife -worked alongside o' me sewin' new seats on the boys' pants, skim-min' -milk, and even helpin' me load hay. For forty years we toiled along -together and hardly got time to look into each other's faces or dared to -stop and get acquainted with each other. Then her health failed. Ketched -cold in the springhouse, prob'ly skimmin' milk, and wash-in' pans, and -scaldin' pails, and spankin' butter. Anyhow, she took in a long breath -one day while the doctor and me was watchin' her, and she says to me, -'Henry,' says she, 'I've got a chance to rest,' and she put one tired, -wore-out hand on top of the other tired, wore-out hand, and I knew she'd -gone where they don't work all day and do chores all night. - -"I took time to kiss her then. I'd been too busy for a good while -previous to do that, and then I called in the boys. After the funeral it -was too much for them to stay around and eat the kind of cookin' we had -to put up with, and nobody spoke up around the house as we used to. -The boys quit whistlin' around the barn, and talked kind of low to -themselves about goin' to town and getting a job. - -"They're all gone now, and the snow is four feet deep up there on -mother's grave in the old berryin'-ground." - -Then both of us looked out of the car-window quite a long while without -saying anything. - -"I don't blame the boys for going into something else long's other -things pays better; but I say--and I say what I know--that the man who -holds the prosperity of this country in his hands, the man that actually -makes the money for other people to spend, the man that eats three good, -simple, square meals a day and goes to bed at 9 o'clock so that future -generations with good blood and cool brains can go from his farm to the -Senate and Congress and the White House--he is the man that gets left at -last to run his farm, with nobody to help him but a hired man and a -high protective tariff. The farms in our State is mortgaged for over -$700,000,000. Ten of our Western States--I see by the papers--has got -about three billion and a half mortgages on their farms, and that -don't count the chattel mortgages filed with the town clerks on farm -machinery, stock, waggins, and even crops, by gosh! that ain't two -inches high under the snow. That's what the prospect is for farms now. -The Government is rich, but the men that made it, the men that fought -perarie fires and perarie wolves and Injins and potato bugs and -blizzards, and has paid the war debt and pensions and everything else, -and hollored for the Union and the Republican party and high tariff -and anything else that they was told to, is left high and dry this cold -winter with a mortgage of seven billions and a half on the farms they -have earned and saved a thousand times over." - -"Yes; but look at the glory of sending from the farm the future -President, the future Senator and the future member of Congress." - -"That looks well on paper; but what does it really amount to? Soon as a -farmer boy gits in a place like that he forgets the soil that produced -and holds his head as high as a hollyhock. He bellers for protection to -everybody but the farmer, and while he sails round in a highty-tighty -room with a fire in it night and day, his father on the farm has to -kindle his own fire in the morning with elm slivers, and he has to wear -his son's lawn-tennis suit next to him or freeze to death, and he has to -milk in an old gray shawl that has held that member of Congress since he -was a baby, by gorry! and the old lady has to sojourn through the -winter in the flannels that Silas wor at the rigatter before he went to -Congress. - -"So I say, and I think that Congress agrees with me, Damn a farmer, -anyhow!" - -He then went away. - - - - -A CONVENTIONAL SPEECH - - -|DURING the recent conventions a great many good speeches have been made -which did not get into print for various reasons. Some others did not -even get a hearing and still others were prepared by delegates who could -not get the eye of the presiding officer. - -The manuscript of the following speech bears the marks of earnest -thought, and though the author did not obtain recognition on the floor -of the convention I cannot bear to see an appreciative public deprived -of it: - -MR. Chairman and Gentlemen of the Convention: We are met together here -as a representation of the greatest and grandest party in the world--a -party that has been first in peace, first in war and first in the -hearts of its countrymen, as the good book has it. We come together here -to-day, Gentlemen, to perpetuate by our action the principles which -won us victory at the polls and wrenched it from an irritated and -disagreeable foe on many a tented field. I refer to freedom. - -Our party has ever been the champion of freedom. We have made a -specialty of freedom. We have ever been in the van. That's why we have -been on the move. Where freedom a quarter of a century ago was but a -mere name, now we have fostered it and aided it and encouraged it and -made it pay. - -We have emancipated a whole race, several of whom have since voted the -other way. But we must not be discouraged. We are here to work. Let us -do it and so advance our common cause and honor God. - -But who is to be the leader? Who will be able to carry our victorious -banner from Portland, Me., to Portland, Ore., gayly speaking pieces from -the tail-gate of a train? Who is sufficiently obscure to safely make the -race? (Cries of "Jeremiah M. Rusk," "Rudolph Minkins Pitler," "Blaine," -"James Swartout," "John Sherman," "Charlie Kinney," &c.) - -The eye of the nation is upon us. We cannot escape the awful -responsibility which we have to-day assumed. With all our anxiety to -please our friends we must not forget that we are here in the interests -of universal freedom. Do not allow yourselves to be blinded, gentlemen, -by the assurance that this is to be a businessman's campaign, a campaign -in which conflicting business interests are to figure more than the -late war. It is a fight involving universal freedom, as I said in our -conventions four, eight and twelve years ago. - -We have before us a pure and highly elocutionary platform. Let us -nominate a man who will, as I may say, affilliate and amalgamate with -that platform. Who is that man? (Cries of "Blaine, Blaine, James G. -Blaine," "Lockwood, Lockwood, Belva A. Lockwood," and general confusion, -during which John A. Wise is seen to jerk loose about a nickel's worth -of Billy Mahone's whiskers.) - -Mr. Chairman and Gentlemen of the convention, there has never been a -more harmonious convention in the United States to my knowledge since -the Sioux massacre in Minnesota. We are all here for the best good of -the party and each is willing to concede something rather than create -any ill-feeling. Look at Mahone for instance. - -We have a good platform, now let us nominate a man whose record is in -harmony with that platform. Freedom has ever been our watchword. Now -that we have made the human race within our borders absolutely free, let -us add to our magnificent history as a party by one crowning act. Let us -fight for the Emancipation of Rum! - -Rum has always been a mighty power in American politics, but it has not -been absolutely free. Let us be the first to recognize it as the great -corner-stone of American institutions. Let us make it free. - -We have never had any Daniel Websters or Henry Clays since rum went up -from 20 cents a gallon to its present price. The war tax on whiskey for -over twenty years has made freedom a farce and liberty a loud and empty -snort in mid-air. 'Who, then, shall be our standard-bearer as we journey -onward towards victory? (Cries of "Blaine, Blaine, James G. Blaine," and -confusion.) - -Gentlemen, I wish that a better and thrillinger orator had been selected -in my place to name the candidate on whom alone I can unite. Soldiers, -rail-splitters, statesmen, canal boys, tailors, farmers, merchants and -school teachers have been Presidents of the United States, but to my -knowledge no convention has ever yet named a distiller. I have the honor -to-day to name a modest man for the high office of President; a man who -never before allowed his name to be presented to a convention; a man who -never even stated in the papers that his name would not be presented to -the convention; a man who has never sought or courted publicity even in -his own business; a man who has been a distiller in a quiet way for over -fifteen years and yet has never even advertised in the papers; a man who -has so carefully shunned the eye of the world that only two or three -of us know where his place of business is; a man who has such an utter -contempt for office that he has shot two Government officials who -claimed to be connected with the internal revenue business; a man who -can drink or let it alone, but who has aimed to divide the time up about -equally between the two; a man who had absolutely nothing to do with -the war, not having heard about it in time; a man who defies his -culumniators or anybody else of his heft; a man who would paint the -White House red; a man who takes great pleasure in being his own worst -enemy. (Cries of "Name him! Name him!" Great confusion, and cries of -pain from several harmonious delegates who are getting the worst of it.) - -Not to take up your time, let me say in closing that the day for great -men as candidates for an important office is past. Great men in a great -country antagonize different factions and are then compelled to fall -back on literature. What we want is an obscure and silent chump. I have -found him. He has never antagonized but two men in his life and they -are now voting in a better land. He is a plain man, and his career at -Washington would be marked with more or less tobacco juice. For over -fifteen years he has been constructing at his country seat a lurid style -of whiskey known as The Essence of Crime. Quietly and unostentatiously -he has fought for the emancipation of whiskey everywhere. He says that -we are too prone to worry about our clothes and their cost and to give -too little thought to our tax-ridden rum. - -Then, Mr. Chairman and Gentlemen, here in the full glare of public -approval, feeling that the name I am about to pronounce will in a few -moments flash across a mighty continent and greet the moist and moaning -news editor, the grimy peasant, the pussy banker and the streaked tennis -player; that the name I now nourish in my panting brain will soon be -taken up on willing tongues and borne across the union, rising and -saluting the hot blue dome of heaven, pulsating across the ocean, -rocking the beautifully upholstered thrones of the Old World and -calling forth a dark blue torrent of profanity from the offices of the -illustrated papers, none of which will be provided with his portrait, -I desire to name Mr. Clem Beasly, of Arkansaw, a man who has spent his -best years manufacturing man's greatest enemy. I hurrah for him and -holler for him, and love him for the (hic) enemy he has made. - - - - -A PLEA FOR ONE IN ADVERSITY - - -|I LEARN with much sadness that Mr. William H. Vanderbilt's once -princely fortune has shrivelled down to $150,000,000. This piece of -information comes to me like a clap of thunder out of a clear sky. Once -petted, fondled and caressed, William H. Vanderbilt shorn of his wealth, -and resting upon no foundation but his sterling integrity, must struggle -along with the rest of us. - -It would be but truth to say that Mr. Vanderbilt will receive very -little sympathy from the world now in the days of his adversity and -penury when the wolf is at his door. There are many of his former -friends who will say that William could economize and struggle along on -$150,000,000, but let them try it once and see how they would like it -themselves; $150,000,000, with no salary outside of that amount, will -not last forever. - -A poor man might pinch along in such a case if he could get something -to do, but we must remember that Mr. Vanderbilt has always lived in -comparatively comfortable circumstances. His hands, therefore, are -tender and his stomach juts out into the autumn air. He will, therefore, -find it hard at first to husk corn and dig potatoes. When he stoops over -a sawbuck around New York this winter his stomach will be in the way -and his vest will no doubt split open on the back. All these things -will annoy the spoiled child of luxury, and his broad features will be -covered with sadness. They will, at least, if there is sadness enough in -the country to do it. - -The fall of William 'H. Vanderbilt and his headlong plunge from the -proud eminence to which his means had elevated him downward to the -cringing poverty of $150,000,000 should be a sad warning to us all. -This fate may fall to any of us. Oh, let us be prepared when the summons -comes. For one I believe I am ready. Should the dread news come to me -to-morrow that such a fate had befallen me, I would nerve myself up to -it and meet it like a man. With the ruin of my former fortune I would -buy me a crust of bread and some pie, and then I would take the -balance and go over into Canada and there I would establish a home for -friendless bank cashiers who are now there, several hundred of them, all -alone and with no one to love them. - -All kinds of charitable institutions, costing many thousands of dollars, -are built in America from year to year for the comfort of homeless and -friendless women and children, but man is left out in the cold. Why is -this thus. Lots of people in Canada, of course, are doing their best to -make it cheerful and sunny for our lovely cashiers there, but still it -is not home. As a gentleman once said in my hearing, "There is no place -like home." And he was right. - -In conclusion, I do not know what to say, unless it be to appeal to the -newspaper men of the country in Mr. Vanderbilt's behalf. While he was -wealthy he was proud and arrogant. He said, "Let the newspapers be -blankety blanked to blank," or words to that effect, but we do not care -for that. Let us forget all that and remember that his sad fate may some -day be our own. In our affluence let us not lose sight of the fact that -Van is suffering. Let us procure a place for him on some good paper. -His grammar and spelling are a little bit rickety but he could begin as -janitor and gradually work his way up. Parties having clothing or funds -which they feel like giving may forward the same to me at Hudson, Wis., -postpaid, and if the clothes do not fit Van they may possibly fit me. - -New York, Oct. 7,1883. - -Bill Nye. - -P.S,--Oct. 30.--Since issuing the above I have received several -consignments of clothes for the suffering, also one sack of corn-meal -and a ham. Let the good work go on, for it is far more blessed to give -than to receive, I am told; and as Jay Gould said when, as a boy, he -gave the wormy half of an apple to his dear teacher, "Half is better -than the hole." - - - - -THE RHUBARB-PIE - - -|IN June the medicated tropical fruit known as the rhubarb-pie is in -full bloom. The farmer goes forth into his garden to find out where the -coy, old setting hen is hiding from the vulgar gaze, and he discovers -that his pie-plant is ripe. He then forms a syndicate with his wife for -the purpose of publishing the seditious and rebellious pie. - -It is singular that the War Department has never looked into the scheme -for fighting the Indians with rhubarb-pie, instead of the regular army. -One-half the army could then put in its time court-martialing the other -half, and all would be well. - -Rhubarb undoubtedly has its place in the _materia medica_, but when -it sneaks into the pie of commerce it is out of place. Castor-oil, -and capsicum, and dynamite, and chloroform, and porous-plasters, and -arsenic, all have their uses in one way or another, but they would not -presume to enter into the composition of a pie. - -They know it would not be tolerated. But rhubarb, elated with its -success as a drug, forgets its humble origin and aspires to become au -article of diet. - -Now the pumpkin knows its place. You never knew of a pumpkin trying to -monkey with science. The pumpkin knows that it was born to bury itself -in the bosom of the pumpkin-pie. It does not therefore, go about the -country claiming to be a remedy for spavin. - -Supposing that the gory, yet toothsome steak, that grows on the back of -the twenty-one-year-old steer's neck, should claim for itself that it -could go into a drug-store and cure rheumatism and heartburn. Wouldn't -every one say that it was out of place and uncalled for? Certainly. The -back of the tough old steer's neck knows that it is destined for -the mince-pie, and nature did not intend otherwise. So also with the -vulcanized gristle, and arctic overshoe heel, and the shoe-string, -and the white button, and all those elements that go to make up the -mince-pie. They do not try to make medicines and cordials and anodynes -of themselves. Rhubarb is the only thing that successfully holds its -place with the apothecary, and yet draws a salary in the pie business. - -I do not know how others may look at this matter, but I do not think -it is right. Still you find this medicated pie in the social circle -everywhere. We guard our homes with the strictest surveillance in other -matters, and yet we allow the low, vulgar pie-plant-pie to creep into -our houses and into our hearts. That is, it creeps into our hearts -figuratively speaking. The heart is not, as a matter of fact, one of -the digestive organs, but I use the term just as all poets do under like -circumstances. - -Many, however, will always continue to use the rhubarb-pie, and for -those I give below a receipt which has stood the test of years,--one -which results in a pie that frosts and sudden atmospheric changes cannot -injure. - -None but the youngest rhubarb should be used in making pies. Go out and -kill your rhubarb with a club, taking care not to kill the old and tough -variety. Give it a chance to repent. Remove the skin carefully, and take -out the digestive economy of the plant. Be specially careful to get off -the "fuzzy" coating, as rhubarb-pies with hair on are not in such favor -as they were when the country was new. Now put in the basement of cement -and throw on your rhubarb. Flavor with linseed-oil, and hammer out the -top crust until it is moderately thin. Then solder on the cover and -drill holes for the copper rivets. Having headed the rivets in place, -nail on zinc monogram, and kiln-dry the pie slowly. When it is cooled, -put on two coats of metallic paint, and adjust the time-lock. After you -find that the pie is impervious to the action of chilled steel or acids, -remove and feed it to the man who cheerfully pays for his whiskey and -steals his newspaper. - - - - -A COUNTRY FIRE - - -|LAST night I was awakened by the cry of fire. It was a loud, hoarse -cry, such as a large, adult man might emit from his window on the night -air. The town was not large, and the fire-department, I had been told, -was not so effective as it should have been. - -For that reason I arose and carefully dressed myself in order to assist, -if possible. I carefully lowered myself from my room by means of a -staircase which I found concealed in a dark and mysterious corner of the -passage. - -On the streets all was confusion. The hoarse cry of fire had been taken -up by others, passed around from one to another, till it had swollen -into a dull roar. The cry of fire in a small town is always a grand -sight. - -All along the street in front of Mr. Pendergast's roller rink the -blanched faces of the people could be seen. Men were hurrying to and -fro, knocking the by-standers over in their frantic attempts to get -somewhere else. With great foresight Mr. Pendergast, who had that day -finished painting his roller rink a dull-roan color, removed from the -building the large card which bore the legend - -FRESH PAINT! - -so that those who were so disposed might feel perfectly free to lean up -against the rink and watch the progress of the flames. - -Anon the bright glare of the devouring element might have been seen -bursting through the casement of Mr. Cicero Williams' residence, facing -on the alley west of Mr. Pendergast's rink. Across the street the -spectator whose early education had not been neglected could distinctly -read the sign of our esteemed fellow-townsman, Mr. Alonzo Burlingame, -which was lit up by the red glare of the flames so that the letters -stood out plain as follows: - -ALONZO BURLINGAME, - -Dealer in Soft and Hard Coal, Ice-Cream, Wood, Lime. - -Cement, Perfumery, Nails, Putty, Spectacles, and Horse - -Radish. - -Chocolate Caramels and Tar Roofing. - -Gas-Pitting and Undertaking in All Its Branches. - -Hides, Tallow and Maple Syrup. - -Fine Gold Jewelry, Silverware and Salt. - -Glue, Codfish and Gent's Neckwear. - -Undertaker and Confectioner. - -}}"Diseases of Horses and Children a Specialty." - -John White, Ptr. - -The flames spread rapidly, until they threat ened the Palace rink of our -esteemed fellow-townsman, Mr. Pendergast, whose genial and urbane manner -has endeared him to all. - -With a degree of forethought worthy of a better cause, Mr. Leroy -W. Butts suggested the propriety of calling out the hook and ladder -company, an organization of which every one seemed to be justly proud. -Some delay ensued in trying to find the janitor of Pioneer Hook and -Ladder Company No. 1's building, but at last he was secured, and after -he had gone home for the key, Mr. Butts ran swiftly down the street -to awake the foreman, but after he had dressed himself and inquired -anxiously about the fire, he said that he was not foreman of the company -since the 2d of April. - -Meantime the fire-fiend continued to rise up ever and anon on his hind -feet and lick up salt barrel after salt barrel in close proximity to the -Palace rink, owned by our esteemed fellow-citizen, Mr. Pendergast. Twice -Mr. Pendergast was seen to shudder, after which he went home and filled -out a blank which he forwarded to the insurance company. - -Just as the town seemed doomed the hook-and-ladder company came rushing -down the street with their navy-blue hook-and-ladder truck. It is indeed -a beauty, being one of the Excelsior noiseless hook-and-ladder factory's -best instruments, with tall red pails and rich blue ladders. - -Some delay ensued, as several of the officers claimed that under a new -by-law passed in January they were permitted to ride on the truck to -fires. This having been objected to by a gentleman who had lived in -Chicago for several years, a copy of the by-laws was sent for and the -dispute summarily settled. The company now donned its rubber overcoats -with great coolness and proceeded at once to deftly twist the tail of -the fire-fiend. - -It was a thrilling sight as James McDonald, a brother of Terrance -McDonald, Trombone, Ind., rapidly ascended one of the ladders in the -full glare of the devouring element and fell off again. - -Then a wild cheer rose to a height of about nine feet, and all again -became confused. - -It was now past 11 o'clock, and several of the members of the -hook-and-ladder company who had to get up early the next day in order to -catch a train excused themselves and went home to seek much-needed rest. - -Suddenly it was discovered that the brick livery stables of Mr. -McMichaels, a nephew of our worthy assessor, was getting hot. Leaving -the Palace rink to its fate, the hook-and-ladder company directed -its attention to the brick barn, and after numerous attempts at last -succeeded in getting its large iron prong fastened on the second story -window-sill, which was pulled out. The hook was again inserted but not -so effectively, bringing down this time an armful of hay and part of an -old horse blanket. Another courageous jab was made with the iron hook, -which succeeded in pulling out about five cents' worth of brick. This -was greeted by a wild burst of applause from the bystanders, during -which the hook-and-ladder company fell over each other and added to the -horror of the scene by a mad burst of pale-blue profanity. - -It was not long before the stable was licked up by the fire-fiend, -and the hook-and-ladder company directed its attention toward the -undertaking, embalming, and ice-cream parlors of our highly-esteemed -fellow-townsman, Mr. A. Burlingame. The company succeeded in pulling two -stone window-sills out of this building before it burned. Both times -they were encored by the large and aristocratic audience. - -Mr. Burlingame at once recognized the efforts of the heroic firemen by -tapping a keg of beer, which he distributed among them at twenty-five -cents per glass. - -This morning a space forty-seven feet wide, where but yesterday all was -joy and prosperity and beauty, is covered over with blackened ruins. Mr. -Pendergast is overcome by grief at the loss of his rink, but assures us -that if he is successful in getting the full amount of his insurance he -will take the money and build two rinks, either one of which will be far -more imposing than the one destroyed last evening. - -A movement is on foot to give a literary and musical entertainment at -Burley's Hall to raise funds for the purchase of new uniforms for the -"fire laddies," at which Mrs. Butts has consented to sing "When the -Robins Nest Again," and Miss Mertie Stout will recite "'Ostler Joe," -a selection which never fails to offend the best people everywhere. -Twenty-five cents for each offence. Let there be a full house. - - - - -BIG STEVE - - -|YOU think, no doubt, William, that I am happy, but I cannot say that -I am. I will tell you my little reminiscence if you don't mind, and you -can judge for yourself." These were the words of Big Steve, as we sat -together one evening, watching the dealer slide the cards out of his -little tin photograph album, while the crowd bought chips of the banker -and corded them up out the green table. - -"You look on me as a great man to inaugurate a funeral, and wish that -you had a miscellaneous cemetery yourself to look back on; but greatness -always has its drawbacks. We cannot be great unless we pay the price. -What we call genius is after all only industry and perseverance. When -my father undertook to clean me out, in our own St. Lawrence County -home, I filed his coat-tails full of bird-shot and fled. Father -afterwards said that he could have overlooked it so far as the coat was -concerned, but he didn't want it shot to pieces while he had it on. - -"Then I went to Kansas City and shot a colored man. That was a good many -years ago, and you could kill a colored man then as you can a Chinaman -now, with impunity, or any other weapon you can get your hands onto. -Still the colored man had friends and I had to go further West. I went -to Nevada then, and lived under a cloud and a _nom de plume_, as you -fellers say. - -"I really didn't want to thin out the population of Nevada, but I had to -protect myself. They say that after a feller has killed his man, he -has a thirst for blood and can't stop, but that ain't so. You -'justifiable-homicide' a man and get clear, and then you have to look -out for friends of the late lamented. You see them everywhere. If your -stomach gets out of order you see the air full of vengeance, and you -drink too much and that don't help it. Then you kill a man on -suspicion that he is follering you up, and after that you shoot in -an extemporaneous, way, that makes life in your neighborhood a little -uncertain. - -"That's the way it was with me. I've got where I don't sleep good any -more, and the fun of life has kind of pinched out, as we say in the -mines. It's a big thing to run a school-meeting or an election, but it -hardly pays me for the free spectacular show I see when I'm trying to -sleep. You know if you've ever killed a man--" - -"No, I never killed one right out," I said apologetically. "I shot one -once, but he gained seventy-five pounds in less than six months." - -"Well, if you ever had, you'd notice that he always says or does -something that you can remember him by. He either says, 'Oh, I am shot'! -or 'You've killed me'! or something like that, in a reproachful way, -that you can wake up in the night and hear most any time. If you kill -him dead, and he don't say a word, he will fall hard on the ground, with -a groan that will never stop. I can shut my eyes and hear one now. After -you've done it, you always wish they'd showed a little more fight. You -could forgive 'em if they'd cuss you, and holler, and have some style -about 'em, but they won't. They just reel, and fall, and groan. Do you -know I can't eat a meal unless my back is agin' the wall. I asked Wild -Bill once how he could stand it to turn his back on the crowd and eat a -big dinner. He said he generally got drunk just before dinner, and that -helped him out. - -"So you see, William, that if a man is a great scholar, he is generally -dyspeptic; if he's a big preacher, they tie a scandal to his coat-tail, -and if he's an eminent murderer, he has insomnia and loss of appetite. I -almost wish sometimes that I had remained in obscurity. Its a big thing -to be a public man, with your name in the papers and everybody afraid to -collect a bill of you, for fear you'll let the glad sunlight into their -thorax; but when you can't eat nor sleep, and you're liable to wake -up with your bosom full of buckshot, or your neck pulled out like -a turkey-gobler's, and your tongue hanging out of your mouth in a -ludicrous manner, and your overshoes failing to touch the ground by -about ten feet, you begin to look back on your childhood and wish you -could again be put there, sleepy and sinless, hungry and happy." - - - - -SPEECH OF RED SHIRT, THE FIGHTING CHIEF OF THE SIOUX NATION - - -|IT HAD been a day of triumph at Erastina. Buffalo Bill, returning -from Marlborough House, had amused the populace with the sports of an -amphitheatre to an extent hitherto unknown even in that luxurious city. -A mighty multitude of people from Perth Amboy and New York had been -present to watch the attack on the Dead wood coach and view with bated -breath the conflict in the arena. - -The shouts of revelry had died away. The last loiterer had retired from -the bleaching boards and the lights in the palace of the cowboy band -were extinguished. The moon piercing the tissue of fleecy clouds, tipped -the dark waters about Constable Hook with a wavy, tremulous light. -The dark-browed Roman soldier, wearing an umbrella belonging to Imre -Kiralfy, wabbled slowly homeward, the proud possessor of a large -rectangular "jag." - -No sound was heard save the low sob of some retiring wave as it told -its story to the smooth pebbles of the beach, or the lower sob of some -gentleman who had just sought to bed down a brand-new bucking bronco -from Ogallalla and decided to escape violently through the roof of the -tent; then all was still as the breast when the spirit has departed. -Anon the smoke-tanned Cheyenne snore would steal in upon the silence and -then die away like the sough of a summer breeze. In the green-room of -the amphitheatre a little band of warriors had assembled. The foam of -conflict yet lingered on their lips, the scowl of battle yet hung upon -their brows, and the large knobs on their classic profiles indicated -that it had been a busy day with them. The night wynd blew chill and -the warrior had added to his moss-agate ear-bobs a heavy coat of -maroon-colored roof paint. - -There was an embarrassing silence of a little spell and then Red Shirt, -fighting chief of the Sioux Nation borrowed a chew of tobacco from -Aurelius Poor Doe, stepped forth and thus addressed them: - -Fellow-Citizens and Gentlemen of the Wild West: Ye call me chief, and -ye do well to call him chief who for two long years has met in the arena -every shape of man or beast that the broad empire of Nebraska could -furnish, and yet has never lowered his arm. - -If there be one among you can say that ever at grub dance or scalp -german or on the war-path my action did belie my tongue let him stand -forth and say it and I will send him home with his daylights done up in -the morning paper. If there be three in all your company dare face me -on the bloody sands let them come on and I will bore holes in the arena -with them and utilize them in fixing up a sickening spectacle. - -And yet I was not alway thus, a hired butcher attacking a Deadwood -coach, both afternoon and evening, the savage chief of still more savage -men. - -My ancestors came from Illinois. They dwelt there in the vine-clad hills -and citron groves of the Sangamon at a time when the country was overrun -with Indians. Instead of paying to see Indians, my ancestors would walk -a long distance over a poor road in order to get a shot at a white man. - -In Dakota my early life ran quiet as the clear brook by which I babbled, -and my boyhood was one long, happy summer day. We bathed in the soiled -waters of the upper Missouri and ate the luscious prickly pear in the -land of the Dakotahs. - -I did not then know what war was, but when Sitting Bull told me of -Marathon and Leuctra and Bull Run, and how at a fortified railroad pass -Imre Kiralfy had withstood the whole Roman army, my cheek burned, I knew -not why, and I thought what a glorious thing it would be to leave the -reservation and go upon the warpath. But my mother kissed my throbbing -temples and bade me go soak my head and think no more of those old tales -and savage wars. - -That very night the entire regular army and wife landed on our coasts. -They tore down our tepee, stampeded our stock, stole our grease paints -and played a mean trick on our dog. - -To-day in the arena I killed a man in the Black Hills coach, and when I -undid his cinch, behold! he was my friend. The same sweet smile was on -his face that I had noted when I met him on my trip abroad. He knew me -smiled faintly, made a few false motions and died. I begged that I might -bear away the body to my tepee and express it to his country seat, -near Limerick, and upon my bended knees, amid the dust and blood of -the arena, I begged this pool favor, and a Roman prętor from St. George -answered: "Let the carrion rot. There are no noble men but Romans and -banana men. Let the show go on. Give us our money's worth. Bring out -the bobtail lion from Abyssinia and the bucking bronco from Dead Man's -Ranch." And the assembled maids and matrons and the rabble shouted in -derision and told me to brace up, and bade Johnnie git his gun, git his -gun, git his gun, and other vile flings which I do not now recall. And -so must you, fellow warriors, and so must I, die like dogs. Ye stand -here like giants (N. Y. Giants) as ye are, but to-morrow the fangs of -the infuriated buffalo may sink into your quivering flesh. To-night -ye stand here in the full flush of health and conscious rectitude, but -to-morrow some crank may shoot you from the Deadwood coach. - -Hark! Hear ye yon buffalo roaring in her den? 'Tis three days since she -tasted flesh, but to-morrow she will have warrior on toast, and don't -you forget it. And she will fling your vertebrae about her cage like the -costly Etruscan pitcher of a League nine. - -If ye are brutes, then stand here like fat oxen waiting for the -butcher's knife. If ye are men, arise and follow me. We will beat down -the guard, overpower the ticket-chopper and cut for the tall timber. We -will go through Ellum Park, Port Richmond, Tower Hill, West Brighton, -Sailors' Snug Harbor and New Brighton like a colored revival through a -watermelon patch, beat down the walls of the Circus Maximus, tear the -mosquito bars from the windows of Nero's palace, capture the Roman -ballet and light out for Europe. - -O comrades! warriors!! gladiators!!! - -If we be men, let us die like men, beneath the blue sky, don't you know, -and by the still waters, according to Gunter, in the presence of the -nobility, rather than be stepped on by a spoiled bronco, surrounded by -low tradesmen from New York. - - - - -TO THE POOR SHINNECOCK - - -|THERE can be nothing more pathetic than to watch the decay of a race, -even though it be a scrub race. To watch the decay of the Indian race, -has been with me, for many years a passion, and the more the Indian has -decayed the more reckless I have been in studying his ways. - -The Indian race for over two hundred years has been a race against Time, -and I need hardly add that Time is away ahead as I pen these lines. - -I dislike to speak of myself so much, but I have been identified with -the Indians more or less for fifteen years. In 1876 I was detailed by a -San Francisco paper to attend the Custer massacre and write it up, -but not knowing where the massacre was to be held I missed my way and -wandered for days in an opposite direction. When I afterwards heard how -successful the massacre was, and fully realized what I had missed, my -mortification knew no bounds, but I might have been even more so if I -had been successful. We never know what is best for us. - -But the Indian is on the wane, whatever that is. He is disappearing from -the face of the earth, and we find no better illustration of this sad -fact than the gradual fading away of the Shinnecock Indians near the -extremity of Long Island. - -In company with _The World_ artist, who is paid a large salary to -hold me up to ridicule in these columns, I went out the other day to -Southampton and visited the surviving members of this great tribe. - -Neither of us knows the meaning of fear. If we had been ordered by the -United States Government to wipe out the whole Shinnecock tribe we would -have taken a damp towel and done it. - -The Shinnecock tribe now consists of James Bunn and another man. But -they are neither of them pure-blooded Shinnecock Indians. One-Legged -Dave, an old whaler, who, as the gifted reader has no doubt already -guessed, has but one leg, having lost the other in going over a reef -many years ago, is a pure-blooded Indian, but not a pure-blooded -Shinnecock. Most of these Indians are now mixed up with the negro race -by marriage and are not considered warlike. - -The Shinnecocks have not been rash enough to break out since they had -the measles some years ago, but we will let that pass. - -There are now about 150 Shinnecocks on the reservation, the most of whom -are negroes. They live together in peace and hominy, trying most of the -time to ascertain what the wild waves are saying in regard to fish. - -There is an air of gentle, all-pervading peace which hangs over the -Shinnecock hills and that had its effect even upon my tumultuous and -aggressive nature, wooing me to repose. I could rest there all this -summer and then, after a good night's sleep, I could go right at it -again in the morning. Rest at Southampton does not seem to fatigue one -as it does elsewhere. - -The Shinnecock Indian has united his own repose of manner with the calm -and haughty distrust of industry peculiar to the negro, and the result -is something that approaches nearer to the idea of eternal rest than -anything I have ever seen. The air seems to be saturated with it and the -moonlight is soaked full of calm. It would be a good place in which to -wander through the gloaming and pour a gallon or so of low, passionate -yearning into the ear of a loved one. - -As a friend of mine, who is the teacher of modern languages and -calisthenics in an educational institution, once said, "the air seems -filled with that delicious dolce farina for which those regions is noted -for." I use his language because I do not know now how I could add to it -in any way. - -We visited Mr. James Bunn at his home on Huckleberry avenue, saw the -City Hall and Custom House and obtained a front view of it, secured a -picture of the residence of the Street Commissioner and then I talked -with Mr. Bunn while the artist got a marine view of his face. - -Mr. Bunn was for forty years a whaler, but had abandoned the habit now, -as there is so little demand among the restaurants for whales, and also -because there are fewer whales. I ascertained from him that the whale at -this season of the year does not readily rise to the fly, but bites the -harpoon greedily during the middle of the day. - -Mr. Bunn also gave us a great deal of other Information, among other -things informing us of the fact that the white men had been up to their -old tricks and were trying to steal portions of the reservation that had -not been nailed down. He did not say whether it was the same man who is -trying to steal the old Southampton graveyard or not. - -James is about seventy-five years old and his father once lived in a -wigwam on the Shinnecock Hills. Mr. Bunn says that the country has -changed very much in the past 250 years and that I would hardly know the -place if I could have seen it at first. During that time he says two -other houses have been built and he has reshingled the L of his barn -with hay. - -He told us the thrilling story of the Spanish Sylph and how she was -wrecked many years ago on the coast near his house, and how the Spanish -dollars burst out of her gaping side and fell with a low, mellow plunk -into the raging main. - -How and then the sea has given up one of these "sand-dollars" as the -years went by, and not over two years ago one was found along the shore -near by. What I blame the Shinnecock Indians for is their fatal yearning -to subsist solely on this precarious income. - -But with the decline of the whaling industry, due somewhat to the great -popularity of natural and acquired gas as a lubricant, together with -the cheap methods of picking up electricity and preserving it for -illuminating purposes, and also to the fact that whales are more -skittish than they used to be, the Shinnecock whaler is left high and -dry. - -It is, indeed, a pathetic picture. Here on the stern and rock-bound -coast, where their ancestors greeted Columbus and other excursionists -as they landed on the new dock and at once had their pictures taken in a -group for the illustration on the greenbacks, now the surviving relic of -a brave people, with bowed heads and frosting locks, are waiting a few -days only for the long, dark night of merciful oblivion. - -So he walks in the night-time, all through the long fly time, he walks -by the sorrowful sea, and he yearns to wake never, but lie there forever -in the arms of the sheltering sea, to lie in the lap of the sea. - -At least that is my idea of the way the Shinnecock feels about it. - -The Indian race, wherever we find it, gives us a wonderful illustration -of the great, inherent power of rum as a human leveler. The Indian has, -perhaps, greater powers of endurance than the white man, and enters into -the great unequal fight with rum almost hilariously, but he loses his -presence of mind and forgets to call a cab at the proper moment. This is -a matter that has never been fully understood even by the pale face, and -of course the Indian is a perfect child in the great conflict with rum. -The result is that the Indian is passing away under our very eyes, and -the time will soon come when the Indian agent will have to seek some -other healthful, outdoor exercise. - -So the consumptive Shinnecock, the author of "Shinny on Your Own Ground -and Other Games," is soon to live only in the flea-bitten records of a -great nation. Once he wrote pieces for the boys to speak in school, and -contributed largely to McGuffy's and Sander's periodicals, but now you -never hear of an Indian who is a good extemporaneous public speaker, or -who can write for sour apples. - -He no longer makes the statement that he is an aged hemlock, that his -limbs are withered and his trunk attached by the constable. He has -ceased to tell through the columns of the Fifth Reader how swift he used -to be as a warrior and that the war-path is now overgrown with grass. He -very seldom writes anything for the papers except over the signature of -Veritas, and the able young stenographer who used to report his speeches -at the council fire seems to have moved away. - -Two hundred and fifty years ago the Shinnecock Hills were covered by a -dense forest, but in that brief period, as if by magic, two and one-half -acres of that ground have been cleared, which is an average of an entire -acre for every hundred years. When we stop to consider that very little -of this work was done by the women and that the men have to attend to -the cleaning of the whales in order to prepare them for the table, and -also write their contributions for the school-books and sign treaties -with the White Father at Washington, we are forced to admit that had the -Indian's life been spared for a few thousand years more he would have -been alive at the end of that time. - -So they wander on together, waiting for the final summons. Waiting for -the pip or measles, and their cough is dry aud hacking as they cough -along together towards the large and wide hereafter. - -They have lived so near Manhattan, where refinement is so plenty, where -the joy they jerk from barley--every other day but Sunday--gives the -town a reddish color, that the Shinnecock is dying, dying with his -cowhide boots on, dying with his hectic flush on, while the church -bells chime in Brooklyn and New Yorkers go to Jersey, go to get their -fire-water, go to get their red-eyed bug-juice, go to get their cooking -whiskey. - -Far away at Minnehaha, in the land of the Dakota, where the cyclone -feels so kinky, rising on its active hind-feet, with its tail up o'er -the dash-board, blowing babies through the grindstone without injuring -the babies, where the cyclone and the whopper journey on in joy -together--there refinement and frumenti, with the new and automatic -maladies and choice diseases that belong to the Caucasian, gather in the -festive red man, take him to the reservation, rob him while his little -life lasts, rob him till he turns his toes up, rob him till he kicks the -bucket. - -And the Shinnecock is fading, he who greeted Chris. Columbus when he -landed, tired and seasick, with a breath of peace and onions; he who -welcomed other strangers, with their notions of refinement and their -knowledge of the Scriptures and their fondness for Gambrinus--they have -compassed his damnation and the Shinnecock is busted. - - - - -WEBSTER AND HIS GREAT BOOK - - -|NOAH Webster probably had the best command of language of any author -of our time. Those who have read his great work entitled Webster's -Unabridged Dictionary, or How One Word Led to Another, will agree with -me that he was smart. Noah never lacked for a word by which to express -himself. He was a brainy man and a good speller. - -We were speaking of Mr. Webster on the way up here this afternoon, and a -gentleman from Ashland told me of his death. Those of you who have read -Mr. Webster's works will be pained to learn of this. One by one our -eminent men are passing away. Mr. Webster has passed away; Napoleon -Bonaparte is no more, and Dr. Mary Walker is fading away. This has been -a severe winter on Sitting Bull, and I have to guard against the night -air a good deal myself. - -It would ill become me at this late date to criticise Mr. Webster's -work, a work that is now I may say in nearly every office, home, -school-room and counting-room in the land. It is a great book. I only -hope that had Mr. Webster lived he would have been equally fair in his -criticism of my books. - -I hate to compare my books with Mr. Webster's, because it looks -egotistical in me; but although Noah's book is larger than mine and has -more literary attractions as a book to set a child on at the table, it -does not hold the interest of the reader all the way through. - -He has tried to introduce too many characters into his book at the -expense of the plot. It is a good book to pick up and while away a -leisure hour, perhaps, but it is not a work that could rivet your -interest till midnight, while the fire went out and the thermometer went -down to 47 below zero. You do not hurry through the pages to see whether -Reginald married the girl or not. Mr. Webster didn't seem to care -whether he married the girl or not. - -Therein consists the great difference between Noah and myself. He don't -keep up the interest. A friend of mine at Sing Sing who secured one of -my books, said he never left his room till he had devoured it. He said -he seemed chained to the spot, and if you can't believe a convict who is -entirely ont of politics, who in the name of George Washington can you -believe? - -Mr. Webster was certainly a most brilliant writer, but a little -inclined, perhaps, to be wrong. I have discovered in some of his later -books 118,000 words no two of which are alike. This shows great fluency -and versatility, it is true, but we need something else. The reader -waits in vain to be thrilled by the author's wonderful word-painting. -There is not a thrill in the whole tome. Noah wasn't much of a thriller. -I am free to confess that when I read this book, of which I had heard -so much, I was bitterly disappointed. It is a larger book than mine and -costs more, and has more pictures in it than mine, but is it a work that -will make a man lead a different life? What does he say of the tariff? -What does he say of the roller skating rink? He is silent. He is full -of cold, hard words and dry definitions, but what does he say of the -Mormons and female suffrage, and how to cure the pip? Nothing. He evades -everything, just as a man does when he writes a letter accepting the -nomination for President. - -As I said before, however, it is a good book to pickup for a few moments -or to read on the train. I could never think of taking a long r. r. -journey without Mr. Webster's tale in my pocket. I would just as quick -think of traveling without my bottle of cough medicine as to start out -without Mr. Webster's book. - -Mr. Webster's Speller was a work of less pretensions, perhaps, but it -had an immense sale. Eight years ago 40,000,000 of these books had been -sold, and yet it had the same grave defect. It was disconnected, cold, -prosy and dull. I read it for years, and at last became a very close -student of Mr. Webster's style. Still I never found but one thing in -the book for which there was such a stampede, which was even ordinarily -interesting, and that was a perfect gem. It was so thrilling in detail -and so different from Mr. Webster's general style that I have often -wondered who he got to write it for him. Perhaps it was the author of -the _Bread Winners_. It related to the discovery of a boy in the -crotch of an old apple tree by an elderly gentleman, and the feeling of -bitterness and animosity that sprang up between the two, and how the old -man told the boy at first that he had better come down out of that tree, -because he was afraid the limb would break with him and let him fall. -Then, as the boy still remained, he told him that those were not -eating-apples, that they were just common cooking-apples, and that there -were worms in them. But the boy said he didn't mind a little thing like -that. So then the old gentleman got irritated and called the dog and -threw turf at the boy, and at last saluted him with pieces of turf -and decayed cabbages; and after he had gone away the old man pried the -bulldog's jaws open and found a mouthful of pantaloons and a freckle. -I do not tell this, of course, in Mr. Webster's language but I give the -main points as they recur now to my mind. - -Though I have been a close student of Mr. Webster for years and examined -his style closely, I am free to say that his ideas about writing a book -are not the same as mine. Of course it is a great temptation for a young -author to write a book that will have a large sale, but that should not -be all. We should have a higher object than that, and strive to interest -those who read our books. It should not be jerky and scattering in its -statements. - -I do not wish to do an injustice to a great man who I learn is now no -more, a man who has done so much for the world and who could spell the -longest word without hesitation, but I speak of these things just as I -would expect others to criticise nay work. If one aspire to monkey with -the _literati_ of our day we must expect to be criticised. I have been -criticised myself. When I was in public life--as a justice of the peace -in the Rocky Mountains--a man came in one day and criticised me so that -I did not get over it for two weeks. - -I might add, though I dislike to speak of it now, that Mr. Webster was -at one time a member of the Legislature of Massachusetts. I believe that -was the only time he ever stepped aside from the straight and narrow -way. A good many people do not know this, but it is true. It only shows -how a good man may at one time in his life go wrong. - - - - - - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's Bill Nye's Sparks, by Edgar Wilson Nye AKA Bill Nye - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BILL NYE'S SPARKS *** - -***** This file should be named 51962-8.txt or 51962-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/1/9/6/51962/ - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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Thus, we do not -necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper -edition. - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search -facility: www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. - diff --git a/old/51962-8.zip b/old/51962-8.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 012cd55..0000000 --- a/old/51962-8.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/51962-h.zip b/old/51962-h.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index b8d6438..0000000 --- a/old/51962-h.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/51962-h/51962-h.htm b/old/51962-h/51962-h.htm deleted file mode 100644 index f8b5fd5..0000000 --- a/old/51962-h/51962-h.htm +++ /dev/null @@ -1,5208 +0,0 @@ -<?xml version="1.0" encoding="iso-8859-1"?> - -<!DOCTYPE html - PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" - "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > - -<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> - <head> - <title> - Bill Nye's Sparks, by Edgar Wilson Nye (bill Nye) - </title> - <link rel="coverpage" href="images/cover.jpg" /> - <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> - - body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} - P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } - H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } - hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} - .foot { margin-left: 5%; margin-right: 5%; text-align: justify; font-size: 80%; font-style: italic;} - blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} - .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} - .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} - .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} - .xx-small {font-size: 60%;} - .x-small {font-size: 75%;} - .small {font-size: 85%;} - .large {font-size: 115%;} - .x-large {font-size: 130%;} - .indent5 { margin-left: 5%;} - .indent10 { margin-left: 10%;} - .indent15 { margin-left: 15%;} - .indent20 { margin-left: 20%;} - .indent30 { margin-left: 30%;} - .indent40 { margin-left: 40%;} - div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } - div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } - .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} - .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} - .pagenum {position: absolute; right: 1%; font-size: 0.6em; - font-variant: normal; font-style: normal; - text-align: right; background-color: #FFFACD; - border: 1px solid; padding: 0.3em;text-indent: 0em;} - .side { float: left; font-size: 75%; width: 15%; padding-left: 0.8em; - border-left: dashed thin; text-align: left; - text-indent: 0; font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; - font-weight: bold; color: black; background: #eeeeee; border: solid 1px;} - .head { float: left; font-size: 90%; width: 98%; padding-left: 0.8em; - border-left: dashed thin; text-align: center; - text-indent: 0; font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; - font-weight: bold; color: black; background: #eeeeee; border: solid 1px;} - p.pfirst, p.noindent {text-indent: 0} - span.dropcap { float: left; margin: 0 0.1em 0 0; line-height: 0.8 } - pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} - -</style> - </head> - <body> - - -<pre> - -Project Gutenberg's Bill Nye's Sparks, by Edgar Wilson Nye AKA Bill Nye - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: Bill Nye's Sparks - -Author: Edgar Wilson Nye AKA Bill Nye - -Release Date: May 2, 2016 [EBook #51962] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BILL NYE'S SPARKS *** - - - - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - - - - - -</pre> - - <div style="height: 8em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h1> - BILL NYE'S SPARKS - </h1> - <h2> - By Edgar Wilson Nye (Bill Nye) - </h2> - <h4> - F. Tennyson Neely Publisher - </h4> - <h4> - New York and Chicago - </h4> - <h3> - 1896 - </h3> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0002" id="linkimage-0002"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0009.jpg" alt="0009 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0009.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <p> - <b>CONTENTS</b> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> BIOGRAPHICAL </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> BILL NYE'S SPARKS </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> REQUESTING A REMITTANCE </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> A PATENT ORATORICAL STEAM ORGANETTE FOR RAILWAY - STUMPING </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> VERITAS </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> THE DRUG BUSINESS IN KANSAS </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> THE PERILS OF IDENTIFICATION </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0008"> A FATHER'S LETTER </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> IN THE SOUTH </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0010"> IN THE PARK </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> LIBERTY ENLIGHTENING THE WORLD. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0012"> HE SEES THE CAPITAL </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0013"> HE SEES THE NAVY </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0014"> MORE ABOUT WASHINGTON </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0015"> A GREAT BENEFACTOR </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0016"> THE COUPON LETTER OF INTRODUCTION </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0017"> HOW TO TEACH JOURNALISM </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0018"> THE GREAT WESTERN CLAIRVOYANT, </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0019"> HIS GARDEN </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0020"> WRITTEN TO THE BOY </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0021"> ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0022"> THE FARMER AND THE TARIFF. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0023"> A CONVENTIONAL SPEECH </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0024"> A PLEA FOR ONE IN ADVERSITY </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0025"> THE RHUBARB-PIE </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0026"> A COUNTRY FIRE </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0027"> BIG STEVE </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0028"> SPEECH OF RED SHIRT, THE FIGHTING CHIEF OF THE - SIOUX NATION </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0029"> TO THE POOR SHINNECOCK </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0030"> WEBSTER AND HIS GREAT BOOK </a> - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - BIOGRAPHICAL - </h2> - <p> - Edgar Wilson Nye was whole-souled, big-hearted and genial. Those who knew - him lost sight of the humorist in the wholesome friend. - </p> - <p> - He was born August 25, 1850, in Shirley, Piscataquis County, Maine. - Poverty of resources drove the family to St. Croix Valley, Wisconsin, - where they hoped to be able to live under conditions less severe. After - receiving a meager schooling, he entered a lawyer's office where most of - his work consisted in sweeping the office and running errands. In his idle - moments the lawyer's library was at his service. Of this crude and - desultory reading he afterward wrote: - </p> - <p> - "I could read the same passage today that I did yesterday and it would - seem as fresh at the second reading as it did at the first. On the - following day I could read it again and it would seem as new and - mysterious as it did on the preceding day." - </p> - <p> - At the age of twenty-five, he was teaching a district school in Polk - County, Wisconsin, at thirty dollars a month. In 1877 he was justice of - the peace in Laramie. Of that experience he wrote: - </p> - <p> - "It was really pathetic to see the poor little miserable booth where I sat - and waited with numb fingers for business. But I did not see the pathos - which clung to every cobweb and darkened the rattling casement. Possibly I - did not know enough. I forgot to say the office was not a salaried one, - but solely dependent upon fees. So while I was called Judge Nye and - frequently mentioned in the papers with consideration, I was out of coal - half the time, and once could not mail my letters for three weeks because - I did not have the necessary postage." - </p> - <p> - He wrote some letters to the Cheyenne <i>Sun</i> and soon made such a - reputation for himself that he was able to obtain a position on the - Laramie <i>Sentinel</i>. Of this experience he wrote: - </p> - <p> - "The salary was small, but the latitude was great, and I was permitted to - write anything that I thought would please the people, whether it was news - or not. By and by I had won every heart by my patient poverty and my - delightful parsimony with regards to facts. With a hectic imagination and - an order on a restaurant which advertised in the paper I scarcely cared - through the livelong day whether school kept or not." - </p> - <p> - Of the proprietor of the <i>Sentinel</i> he wrote: - </p> - <p> - "I don't know whether he got into the penitentiary or the Greenback party. - At any rate he was the wickedest man in Wyoming. Still, he was - warm-hearted and generous to a fault. He was more generous to a fault than - to anything else—more especially his own faults. He gave me twelve - dollars a week to edit the paper—local, telegraph, selections, - religious, sporting, political, fashions, and obituary. He said twelve - dollars was too much, but if I would jerk the press occasionally and take - care of his children he would try to stand it. You can't mix politics and - measles. I saw that I would have to draw the line at measles. So one day I - drew my princely salary and quit, having acquired a style of fearless and - independent journalism which I still retain. I can write up things that - never occurred with a masterly and graphic hand. Then, if they occur, I am - grateful; if not, I bow to the inevitable and smother my chagrin." - </p> - <p> - In the midst of a wrangle in politics he was appointed postmaster of his - town and his letter of acceptance, addressed to the Postmaster-General at - Washington, was the first of his writings to attract national attention. - </p> - <p> - He said that, in his opinion, his being selected for the office was a - triumph of eternal right over error and wrong. "It is one of the epochs, I - may say, in the nation's onward march toward political purity and - perfection," he wrote. "I don't know when I have noticed any stride in the - affairs of state which has so thoroughly impressed me with its wisdom." - </p> - <p> - Shortly after he became postmaster he started the <i>Boomerang</i>. The - first office of the paper was over a livery stable and Nye put up a sign - instructing callers to "twist the tail of the gray mule and take the - elevator." - </p> - <p> - He at once became famous and was soon brought to New York, at a salary - that seemed fabulous to him. His place among the humorists of the world - was thenceforth assured. - </p> - <p> - He died February 22,1896, at his home in North Carolina, surrounded by his - family. - </p> - <p> - James Whitcomb Riley, the Hoosier poet, was for many years a close - personal friend of the dead humorist. When informed of Nye's death, he - said: "Especially favored, as for years I have been, with close personal - acquaintance and association with Mr. Nye, his going away fills me with - selfishness of grief that finds a mute rebuke in my every memory of him. - He was unselfish wholly, and I am broken-hearted, recalling the always - patient strength and gentleness of this true man, the unfailing hope and - cheer and faith of his child-heart, his noble and heroic life, and pure - devotion to his home his deep affections, constant dreams, plans and - realizations. I cannot doubt but that somehow, somewhere, he continues - cheerily on in the unbroken exercise of these same capacities." - </p> - <p> - Mr. Riley recently wrote the following sonnet: - </p> - <p> - <br /> - </p> - <p class="indent10"> - O William, in thy blithe companionship - </p> - <p class="indent15"> - What liberty is mine—what sweet release - </p> - <p class="indent15"> - From clamourous strife, and yet, what boisterous peace! - </p> - <p class="indent10"> - Ho! ho! It is thy fancy's finger tip - </p> - <p class="indent10"> - That dints the dimple now, and kinks the lip - </p> - <p class="indent15"> - That scarce may sing in all this glad increase - </p> - <p class="indent15"> - Of merriment! So, pray thee, do not cease - </p> - <p class="indent10"> - To cheer me thus, for underneath the quip - </p> - <p class="indent10"> - Of thy droll sorcery the wrangling fret - </p> - <p class="indent15"> - Of all distress is still. No syllable - </p> - <p class="indent10"> - Of sorrow vexeth me, no tear drops wet - </p> - <p class="indent15"> - My teeming lids, save those that leap to tell - </p> - <p class="indent10"> - Thee thou'st a guest that overweepeth yet - </p> - <p class="indent15"> - Only because thou jokest overwell. - </p> - <p> - <br /> <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - BILL NYE'S SPARKS - </h2> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - REQUESTING A REMITTANCE - </h2> - <h3> - [Personal.] - </h3> - <p> - Washington, D. C. - </p> - <p> - Along toward morning, 1887. - </p> - <p> - <i>Cashier World Office</i>, New York.— - </p> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">M</span>Y DEAR SIR: You - will doubtless be surprised to hear from me so soon, as I did not promise - when I left New York that I would write you at all while here. But now I - take pen in hand to say that the Senate and House of Representatives are - having a good deal of fun with me, and hope you are enjoying the same - great blessing. You will wonder at first why I send in my expense account - before I send in anything for the paper, but I will explain that to you - when I get back. At first I thought I would not bother with the expense - account till I got to your office, but I can now see that it is going to - worry me to get there unless I hear from you favorably by return mail. - </p> - <p> - When I came here I fell into the mad whirl of society, and attracted a - good deal of attention by my cultivated ways and Jeffersonian method of - sleeping with a different member of Congress every night. - </p> - <p> - I have not written anything for publication yet, but I am getting material - together that will make people throughout our broad land open their eyes - in astonishment. I shall deal fairly and openly with these great national - questions, and frankly hew to the line, let the chips fall where they may, - as I heard a man say to-day on the floor of the house—the Willard - House, I mean. But I believe in handling great political matters without - gloves, as you will remember, if you have watched my course as justice of - the peace and litterateur. Candor is my leading characteristic, and if you - will pardon me for saying so in the first letter you ever received from me - I believe there is nothing about my whole character which seems to - challenge my admiration for myself any more than that. - </p> - <p> - Congressmen and their wives are daily landing at the great national Castle - Garden and looking wildly around for the place where they are told they - will get their mileage. On every hand all is hurry and excitement. Bills - are being introduced, acquaintances renewed, and punch bowls are beginning - to wear a preoccupied air. - </p> - <p> - I have been mingling with society ever since I came here, and that is one - reason I have written very little for publication, and did not send what I - did write. - </p> - <p> - Yesterday afternoon my money gave out at 3:20, and since that my mind has - been clearer and society has made fewer demands on me. At first I thought - I would obtain employment at the Treasury Department as exchange editor in - the greenback room. Then I remembered that I would get very faint before I - could go through a competitive examination, and, in the meantime, I might - lose social caste by wearing my person on the outside of my clothes. So I - have resolved to write you a chatty letter about Washington, assuring you - that I am well, and asking you kindly to consider the enclosed tabulated - bill of expenses, as I need the money to buy Christmas presents and get - home with. - </p> - <p> - Poker is one of the curses of national legislation. I have several times - heard prominent foreigners say, in their own language—think ing, no - doubt, that I could not understand them—that the members of the - American Congress did not betray any emotion on their countenances. One - foreigner from Liverpool, who thought I could not understand his language, - said that our congressmen had a way of looking as though they did not know - very much. When he afterwards played poker with those same men he saw that - the look was acquired. One man told me that his vacant look had been as - good as $50,000 to him, whether he stood pat or drew to an ostensible - flush while really holding four bullets. - </p> - <p> - So far I have not been over to the Capitol, preferring to have Congress - kind of percolate into my room, two or three at a time; but unless you can - honor the inclosed way-bill I shall be forced to go over to the House - to-morrow and write something for the paper. Since I have been writing - this I have been led to inquire whether it would be advisable for me to - remain here through the entire session or not. It will be unusually long, - lasting perhaps clear into July, and I find that the stenographers as a - general thing get a pretty accurate and spicey account of the proceedings, - much more so than I can, and as you will see by inclosed statement it is - going to cost more to keep me here than I figured on. - </p> - <p> - My idea was that board and lodgings would be the main items of expense, - but I struck a low-priced place, where, by clubbing together with some - plain gentlemen from a distance who have been waiting here three years for - political recognition, and who do not feel like surrounding themselves - with a hotel, we get a plain room with six beds in it. The room overlooks, - the District of Columbia, and the first man in has the choice of beds, - with the privilege of inviting friends to a limited number. We lunch - plainly in the lower part of the building in a standing position without - restraint or finger-bowls. So board is not the principal item of expense, - though of course I do not wish to put up at a place where I will be a - disgrace to the paper. - </p> - <p> - I wish that you would, when you send my check, write me frankly whether - you think I had better remain here during the entire season or not. I like - the place first rate, but my duties keep me up nights to a late hour, and - I cannot sleep during the day, because my roommates annoy me by doing - their washing and ironing over an oil stove. - </p> - <p> - I know by what several friends have said to me that Congress would like to - have me stay here all winter, but I want to do what is best for the paper. - </p> - <p> - I saw Mr. Cleveland briefly last evening at his home, but he was - surrounded by a crowd of fawning sycophants, so I did not get a chance to - speak to him as I would like to, and don't know as he would have advanced - the amount to me anyway. He is very firm and stubborn, I judged, and would - yield very little indeed, especially to - </p> - <p> - Yours truly, - </p> - <p> - Bill Nye. - </p> - <p> - The following bill looks large in the aggregate, but when you come to - examine each item by itself there is really nothing startling about it, - and when you remember that I have been here now four days and that this is - the first bill I have sent in to the office during that time, I know you - will not consider it out of the way, especially as you are interested in - seeing me make a good paper of the <i>World</i>, no matter what the - expense is. - </p> - <p> - We are having good open winter weather and stock is looking well so far. - </p> - <p> - I fear you will regard the item for embalming as exorbitant, and it is so, - but I was compelled to pay that price, as the man had to be shipped a long - distance, and I did not want to shock his friends too much when he met - them at the depot. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0003" id="linkimage-0003"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0024.jpg" alt="0024 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0024.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - I will probably remain here until I hear from you favorably. I have met - several members of Congress for whom I have voted at various times off and - on, but they were cold and haughty in their intercourse with me. I have - been invited to sit on the floor of the House until I get some other place - to stay, but I hate to ride a free horse to death. - </p> - <p> - b. n. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - A PATENT ORATORICAL STEAM ORGANETTE FOR RAILWAY STUMPING - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> AM now preparing - for general use and desire to call the attention of numerous readers to - what I have nominated the Campaigner's Companion, for use during or - preceding a hot political campaign. Eureka is a very tame expression for - this unique little contrivance, as it is good for any speaker and on - behalf of any party, I care not of what political belief the orator may - be. It is intended for immediate use, like a box of dry plates on an - amateur photographic tour, only that it is more on the principle of the - Organette, with from 500 to 5,000 tunes packed with it ready for use. - </p> - <p> - It is intended to be worked easily on the rear platform of a special car, - and absolutely prevents repetition or the wrong application of local gags. - Every political speaker of any importance has suffered more or less from - what may be called the misplaced gag, such as localizing the grave of a - well-known member of Congress in the wrong county or swelling up with - pardonable pride over large soap works in a rival town fifty miles away - from the one where they really are. All these things weaken the political - possibilities of great men and bring contumely upon the party they - represent. - </p> - <p> - My idea is to arrange a sort of Organette on the rear platform of the car, - to be operated by steam conducted from the engine by means of pipes, the - contrivance to be entirely out of sight, under a neat little spread made - of the American flag. Behind this an eminent man may stand with his hand - socked into the breast of his frock coat nearly up to the elbow, and while - his bosom swells with pardonable pride the engineer turns on steam. - Previously the private secretary has inserted a speech prepared on punched - paper, furnished by me and bearing on that special town and showing a - degree of familiarity with that neighborhood which would win the entire - adult population. - </p> - <p> - Behind this machine the eminent speaker weaves to and fro, simply making - the gestures and shutting off the steam with his foot whenever there is a - manifest desire on the part of the audience to applaud. - </p> - <p> - I am having over five hundred good one-night towns prepared in this way - and, if it would not take up too much of your space, I would like to give - here one speech, illustrating my idea and showing the plan in brief, - though with each machine I furnish a little book called "Every Man his Own - Demosthenes." This book tells exactly how to work the Campaigner's - Companion and makes it almost a pleasure to aspire to office. - </p> - <p> - I have chosen as an illustration a speech that I have had prepared for - Asheville, N. C., but all the others are equally applicable and apropos. - </p> - <p> - (Note: See that all bearing's are well oiled before you start, especially - political bearings. See that the crank is just tight enough, without being - too tight, and also that the journals do not get hot.) - </p> - <p> - <i>Fellow-Citizens of Asheville and Buncombe County and Brother Tarheels - from Away Back</i>: - </p> - <p> - If I were a faithful Mohammedan and believed that I could never enter - heaven but once, I would look upon Buncombe County and despair ever - afterwards. (Four minutes for applause to die away.) Asheville is 2,339 - feet above tide-water. She is the hotbed of the invalid and the home of - the physical wreck who cannot live elsewhere, but who comes here and lives - till he gets plum sick of it. Your mountain breezes and your fried chicken - bear strength and healing in their wings. (Hold valve open two minutes and - a half to give laughter full scope.) Your altitude and your butter are - both high, and the man who cannot get all the fresh air he wants on your - mountains will do well to rent one of your cottages and allow the wind to - meander through his whiskers. Asheville is a beautiful spot, where a peri - could put in a highly enjoyable summer, picknicking along the Swananea - through the day and conversing with Plum Levy at his blood-curdling barber - shop in the gloaming. Nothing can possibly be thrillinger than to hear - Plum tell of the hair-breadth escapes his customers have had in his cozy - little shop. - </p> - <p> - The annual rainfall here is 40.2 inches, while smoking tobacco and horned - cattle both do well. Ten miles away stretches Alexander's. You are only - thirty-five miles from Buck Forest. Pisgah Mountain is only twenty miles - from here, and Tahkeeastee Farm is only a mile away, with its name - extending on beyond as far as the eye can reach. The French Broad River - bathes your feet on the right and the sun-kissed Swananoa, with its - beautiful borders of rhododendrons, sloshes up against you on the other - side. Mount Mitchell, with an altitude of 6,711 feet and an annual - rain-fall of 53.8 inches, is but twenty miles distant, while Lower Hominy - is near, and Hell's Half Acre, Sandy Mush and Blue Ruin are within your - grasp. - </p> - <p> - The sun never lit up a cuter little town than Asheville. Nature just - seemed to wear herself out on Buncombe County and then she took what she - had left over to make the rest of the country. Your air is full of vigor. - Your farms get up and hump themselves in the middle or on one side, so - that you have to wear a pair of telegraph-pole climbers when you dig your - potatoes. Here you will see the japonica, the jonquil and the jaundice - growing side by side in the spring, and at the cheese-foundry you can hear - the skipper calling to his mate. - </p> - <p> - Here is the home of General Tom Clingman, who first originated the idea of - using tobacco externally for burns, scalds, ringworm, spavin, pneumonia, - Bright's disease, poll evil, pip, garget, heartburn, earache and financial - stringency Here Randolph & Hunt can do your job printing for you, and - the <i>Citizen</i> and the <i>Advance</i> will give you the news. - </p> - <p> - You are on a good line of railroad and I like your air very much, aside - from the air just played by your home band. Certainly you have here the - makings of a great city. You have pure air enough here for a city four - times your present size, and although I have seen most all the - Switzerlands of America, I think that this is in every way preferable. - People who are in search of a Switzerland of America that can be relied - upon will do well to try your town. - </p> - <p> - And now, having touched upon everything of national importance that I can - think of, I will close by telling you a little anecdote which will, - perhaps, illustrate my position better than I could do it in any other - way. (Here I insert a humorous anecdote which has no special bearing on - the political situation and during the ensuing laughter the train pulls - out.) - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - VERITAS - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">M</span>Y NAME is Veritas. - I write for the papers. I am quite an old man and have written my kindly - words of advice to the press for many years. I am the friend of the public - and the guiding star of the American newspaper. I point out the proper - course for a newly-elected member of Congress and show the thoughtless - editor the wants of the people. I write on the subject of political - economy; also on both sides of the paper. Sometimes I write on both sides - of the question. When I do so I write over the name of Tax-Payer, but my - real name is Veritas. - </p> - <p> - I am the man who first suggested the culvert at the Jim street crossing, - so that the water would run off toward the pound after a rain. With my - ready pen—ready, and trenchant also, as I may say—I have, in - my poor, weak way, suggested a great many things which might otherwise - have remained for many years unsuggested. - </p> - <p> - I am the man who annually calls for a celebration of the Fourth of July in - our little town, and asks for some young elocutionist to be selected by - the committee, whose duty it shall be to read the Declaration of - Independence in a shrill voice to those who yearn to be thrilled through - and through with patriotism. - </p> - <p> - Did I not speak through the columns of the press in clarion tones for a - proper observance of our nation's great natal day in large gothic extended - caps, the nation's starry banner would remain furled and the greased pig - would continue to crouch in his lair. With the aid of my genial co-workers - Tax-Payer, Old Settler, Old Subscriber, Constant Reader, U. L. See, Fair - Play, and Mr. Pro Bono Publico, I have made the world a far more desirable - place in which to live than it would otherwise have been. - </p> - <p> - My co-laborer, Mr. Tax-Payer, is an old contributor to the paper, but he - is not really a taxpayer. He uses this signature in order to conceal his - identity, just as I use the name Veritas. We have a great deal of fun over - this at our regular annual reunions, where we talk about all our affairs. - </p> - <p> - Old Settler is a young tenderfoot who came here last spring and tried to - obtain a livelihood by selling an indestructible lamp-chimney. He did well - for several weeks by going to the different residences and throwing one of - his glass chimneys on the floor with considerable force to show that it - would not break. He did a good business till one day he made a mistake. - Instead of getting hold of his exhibition chimney, he picked out one of - the stock and busted it beyond recognition. Since that he has been writing - articles in violet ink relative to old times and publishing them over the - signature of Old Settler. - </p> - <p> - Old Subscriber is a friend of mine who reads his paper at the hotels while - waiting for a gratuitous drink. Fair Play is a retired monte man, and Pro - Bono Publico is our genial and urbane undertaker. - </p> - <p> - I am a very prolific writer, but all my work is not printed. A venal and - corrupt press at times hesitates about giving currency to such fearless, - earnest truths as I make use of. - </p> - <p> - I am also the man who says brave things in the columns of the papers when - the editor himself does not dare to say them because he is afraid he will - be killed. But what recks Veritas the bold and free? Does he flinch or - quail? Not a flinch; not a quail. - </p> - <p> - Boldly he flings aside his base fears, and with bitter vituperation he - assails those he dislikes, and attacks with resounding blows his own - personal enemies, fearlessly signing his name, Veritas, to the article, so - that those who yearn to kill him may know just who he is. - </p> - <p> - What would the world do without Veritas? In the hands of a horde of - journalists who have nothing to do but attend to their business, left with - no anonymous friend to whom they can fly when momentous occasions arise, - when the sound advice and better judgment of an outside friend is needed, - their condition would indeed be a pitiable one. But he will never desert - us. He is ever at hand, prompt to say, over his nom de plume, what he - might hesitate to say over his own name, for fear that he might go home - with a battle of Gettysburg under each eye and a nose like a volcanic - eruption. He cheerfully attacks everything and everybody, and then goes - away till the fight, the funeral, and the libel suit are over. Then he - returns and assails the grim monster Wrong. He proposes improvements, and - the following week a bitter reply comes from Tax-Payer. Pro Bono Publico, - the retired three-card-monteist, says: "Let us have the proposed - improvement, regardless of cost." - </p> - <p> - Then the cynical U. L. See (who is really the janitor at the blind asylum) - grumbles about useless expense, and finally draws out from the teeming - brain of Constant Reader a long, flabby essay, written on red-ruled - leaves, cut out of an old meat-market ledger, written economically on both - sides with light blue ink made of bluing and cold tea. This essay - introduces, under the most trying circumstances, such crude yet original - literary gems as: - </p> - <p> - Wad some power the giftie gie us, etc. - </p> - <p> - He also says: - </p> - <p> - The wee sma' hours ayant the twal. - </p> - <p> - And farther on: - </p> - <p> - Breathes there a man with soul so deal. - </p> - <p> - Who never to himself hath said, etc. - </p> - <p> - His essay is not so much the vehicle of thought as it is the accommodation - train for fragments of his old school declamations to ride on. - </p> - <p> - But to Veritas we owe much. I say this because I know what I am talking - about, for am I not old Veritas himself? Haven't I been writing things for - the papers ever since papers were published? Am I not the man who for - years has been a stranger to fear? Have I not again and again called the - congressman, the capitalist, the clergyman, the voter and the - philanthropist everything I could lay my tongue to, and then fought - mosquitoes in the deep recesses of the swamp while the editor remained at - the office and took the credit for writing what I had given him for - nothing? Has not many a paper built up a name and a libel suit upon what I - have written, and yet I am almost unknown? When people ask, Who is - Veritas? and where does he live? no one seems to know. He is up seven - flights of stairs, in a hot room that smells of old clothes and neglected - thoughts. Far from the "madding crowd," as Constant Reader has so truly - said, I sit alone, with no personal property but an overworked costume, a - strong love for truth, and a shawl-strap full of suggestions to the - overestimated man who edits the paper.. - </p> - <p> - So I battle on, with only the meager and flea-bitten reward of seeing my - name in print "anon," as Constant Reader would say. All I have to fork - over to posterity is my good name, which I beg leave to sign here. - </p> - <p> - Veritas. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE DRUG BUSINESS IN KANSAS - </h2> - <p> - Hudson, Wis. - </p> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">M</span>R. BILL NYE.—Dear - Sir: I hope you will pardon me for addressing you on a matter of pure - business, but I have heard that you are not averse to going out of your - way to do a favor now and then to those who are sincere and appreciative. - </p> - <p> - I have learned from a friend that you have been around all over the west, - and so I have taken the liberty of writing you to ask what you think would - be the chance of success for a young man if he were to go to Kansas to - enter the drug business. - </p> - <p> - I am a practical young druggist 23 years of age, and have some money—a - few hundred dollars—with which to go into business. Would you advise - Kansas or Colorado as a good part of the west for that business? - </p> - <p> - I have also written some for the press, but with little success. I inclose - you a few slips cut from the papers in which these articles originally - appeared. I send stamp for reply and hope you will answer me, even though - your time may be taken up pretty well by other matters. Respectfully - yours. - </p> - <p> - Adolph Jaynes, - </p> - <p> - Lock-Box 604. - </p> - <p> - Hudson, Wis., Oct. 1. - </p> - <p> - MR. Adolph Jaynes, Lock-box 604.— - </p> - <p> - DEAR SIR: Your favor of late date is at hand, and I take pleasure in - writing this dictated letter to you, using the columns of the Chicago - Daily News as a delicate way of teaching you. I will take the liberty of - replying to your last question first, if you pardon me, and I say that you - would do better, no doubt at once, in a financial way, to go on with your - drug business than to monkey with literature. - </p> - <p> - In the first place, your style of composition is like the present style of - dress among men. It is absolutely correct, and therefore it is absolutely - like that of nine men out of every ten we meet. Your style of writing has - a mustache on it, wears a three-button cutaway of some Scotch mixture, - carries a cane, and wears a straight, stand-up collar and scarf. It is so - correct and so exactly in conformity with the prevailing style of - composition, and your thoughts are expressed so thoroughly like other - people's methods of dressing up their sentences and sand-papering the soul - out of what they say, that I honestly think you would succeed better by - trying to subsist upon the quick sales and small profits which the drug - trade insures. - </p> - <p> - Now, let us consider the question of location. - </p> - <p> - Seriously, you ought to look over the ground yourself, but as you have - asked me to give you my best judgment on the question of preference as - between Kansas and Colorado I will say without hesitation that, if you - mean by the drug business the sale of sure-enough drugs, medicines, - paints, oils, glass, putty, toilet articles, and prescriptions carefully - compounded, I would <i>not</i> go to Kansas at this time. - </p> - <p> - If you would like to go to a flourishing country and put out a big - basswood mortar in front of your shop in order to sell the tincture of - damnation throughout bleeding Kansas, now is your golden opportunity. Now - is the accepted time. - </p> - <p> - If it is the great, big, burning desire of your heart to go into a town of - 2,000 people and open the thirteenth drug store in order that you may - stand behind a tall black-walnut prescription case day in and day out, - with a graduate in one hand and a Babcock fire-extinguisher in the other, - filling orders for whisky made of stump-water and the juice of future - punishment, you will do well to go to Kansas. It is a temperance state, - and no saloons are allowed there. All is quiet and orderly, and the drug - business is a great success. - </p> - <p> - You can run a dummy drug store there with two dozen dreary old glass - bottles on the shelves, punctuated by the hand of time and the Kansas fly - of the period, and with a prohibitory law at your back and a tall, red - barrel in the back room filled with a mixture that will burn great holes - into nature's heart and make the cemetery blossom as the rose, and in a - few years you can sell enough of this justly celebrated preparation for - household, scientific, and experimental purposes only to fill your flabby - pockets with wealth and paint the pure air of Kansas a bright and - inflammatory red. - </p> - <p> - If you sincerely and earnestly yearn for a field where you may go forth - and garner an honest harvest from the legitimate effort of an upright soda - fountain and free and open sale of slippery elm in its unadulterated - condition, I would go to some state where I would not have to enter into - competition with a style of pharmacy that has the unholy instincts and - ambitions of a blind pig. I would not go into the field where red-eyed - ruin simply waited for a prescription blank, not necessarily for - publication, but simply as a guaranty of good faith, in order that it may - bound forth from behind the prescription case and populate the poorhouses - and the paupers' nettle-grown addition to the silent city of the dead. - </p> - <p> - The great question of how best to down the demon rum is before the - American people, and it will not be put aside until it is settled; but - while this is being attended to, Mr. Jaynes, I would start a drug store - farther away from the center of conflict and go on joyously, sacrificing - expensive tinctures, compounds, and sirups at bed-rock prices. - </p> - <p> - Go on, Mr. Jaynes, dealing out to the yearning, panting public, drugs, - paints, oils, glass putty, varnish, patent medicines, and prescriptions - carefully compounded, with none to molest or make afraid, but shun, oh - shun the wild-eyed pharmacopoeia that contains naught but the festering - fluid so popular in Kansas, a compound that holds crime in solution and - ruin in bulk, that shrivels up a man's gastric economy, and sears great - ragged holes into his immortal soul. Take this advice home to your heart - and you will ever command the hearty co-operation of "yours for health," - as the late Lydia E. Pinkham so succinctly said. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE PERILS OF IDENTIFICATION - </h2> - <p> - Chicago, Feb. 20,1888. - </p> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">F</span>INANCIAL circles - here have been a good deal interested in the discovery of a cipher which - has been recently adopted by a depositor and which began to attract the - attention at first of a gentleman employed in the Clearing House. He was - telling me about it and showing me the vouchers or duplicates of them. - </p> - <p> - It was several months ago that he first noticed on the back of a check - passing through the Clearing-House the following cipher, written in a - symmetrical Gothic hand: - </p> - <p> - <i>Dear Sir: Herewith find payment for last month's butter. It was hardly - up to the average. Why do you blonde your butter? Your butter last month - tried to assume an effeminate air, which certainly was not consistent with - its vigor. Is it not possible that this butter is the brother to what we - had the month previous, and that it was exchanged for its sister by - mistake? We have generally liked your butter very much, but we will have - to deal elsewhere if you are going to encourage it in wearing a full - beard. Yours truly, W.</i> - </p> - <p> - Moneyed men all over Chicago and financial cryptogrammers came to read the - curious thing and to try and work out its bearing on trade. Everybody took - a look at it, and went away defeated. Even the men who were engaged in - trying to figure out the identity of the Snell murderer took a day off and - tried their Waterbury thinkers on this problem. In the midst of it all - another check passed through the Clearing House with this cipher, in the - same hand: - </p> - <p> - <i>Sir: Your bill for the past month is too much. You forget the eggs - returned at the end of second week, for which you were to give me credit. - The cook broke one of them by mistake, and then threw up the portfolio of - pie-founder in our once joyous home. I will not dock you for loss of cook, - but I cannot allow you for the eggs. How you succeed in dodging quarantine - with eggs like that is a mystery to yours truly, W.</i> - </p> - <p> - Great excitement followed the discovery of this indorsement on a check for - $32.87. Everybody who knew anything about-ciphering was called in to - consider it. A young man from a high school near here, who made a - specialty of mathematics and pimples, and who could readily tell how long - a shadow a nine pound groundhog would cast at 2 o'clock and 37 minutes - p.m., on groundhog day, if sunny, at the town of Fungus, Dak., provided - latitude and longitude and an irregular mass of red chalk be given to him, - was secured to jerk a few logarithms in the interests of trade. He came - and tried it for a few days, covered the interior of the Exposition - Building with figures and then went away. - </p> - <p> - The Pinkerton detectives laid aside their literary work on the great train - book, entitled "The Jerk-water Bank Bobbery and Other Choice Crimes," by - the author of "How I Traced a Lame Man Through Michigan, and Other - Felonies." They grappled with the cipher, and several of them leaned up - against something and thought for a long time, but they could make neither - head nor tail to it. Ignatius Donnelly took a powerful dose of kumiss, and - under its maddening influence sought to solve the great problem which - threatened to engulf the nation's surplus. All was in vain. Cowed and - defeated, the able conservators of coin, who require a man to be - identified before he can draw on his overshoes at sight, had to - acknowledge if this thing continued it threatened the destruction of the - entire national fabric. - </p> - <p> - About this time I was calling at the First National Bank of Chicago, the - greatest bank, if I am not mistaken, in America. I saw the bonds securing - its issue of national currency the other day in Washington, and I am quite - sure the custodian told me it was the greatest of any bank in the Union. - Anyway, it was sufficient, so that I felt like doing my banking business - there whenever it became handy to do so. - </p> - <p> - I asked for a certificate of deposit for $2,000, and had the money to pay - for it, but I had to be identified. "Why," I said to the receiving teller, - "surely you don't require a man to be identified when he deposits money, - do you?" - </p> - <p> - "Yes, that's the idea." - </p> - <p> - "Well, isn't that a new twist on the crippled industries of this country?" - </p> - <p> - "No; that's our rule. Hurry up, please, and don't keep men waiting who - have money and know how to do business." - </p> - <p> - "Well, I don't want to obstruct business, of course, but suppose, for - instance, I get myself identified by a man I know and a man you know and a - man who can leave his business and come here for the delirious joy of - identifying me, and you admit that I am the man I claim to be, - corresponding as to description, age, sex, etc., with the man I advertise - myself to be, how would it be about your ability to identify yourself as - the man you claim to be? I go all over Chicago, visiting all the large - pork-packing houses in search of a man I know, and who is intimate with - literary people like me, and finally we will say, I find one who knows me - and who knows you, and whom you know, and who can leave his leaf lard long - enough to come here and identify me all right. Can you identify yourself - in such a way that when I put in my $2,000 you will not loan it upon - insufficient security, as they did in Cincinnati the other day, as soon as - I go out of town?" - </p> - <p> - "Oh, we don't care especially whether you trade here or not, so that you - hurry up and let other people have a chance. Where you make a mistake is - in trying to rehearse a piece here instead of going out to Lincoln Park or - somewhere in a quiet part of the city. Our rules are that a man who makes - a deposit here must be identified." - </p> - <p> - "All right. Do you know Queen Victoria?" - </p> - <p> - "No sir; I do not." - </p> - <p> - "Well, then, there is no use in disturbing her. Do you know any other of - the crowned heads?" - </p> - <p> - "No sir." - </p> - <p> - "Well, then, do you know President Cleveland, or any of the Cabinet, or - the Senate or members of the House?" - </p> - <p> - "No." - </p> - <p> - "That's it, you see. I move in one set and you in another. What - respectable people do you know?" - </p> - <p> - "I'll have to ask you to stand aside, I guess, and give that string of - people a chance. You have no right to take up my time in this way. The - rules of the bank are inflexible. We must know who you are, even before we - accept your deposit." - </p> - <p> - I then drew from my pocket a copy of the Sunday <i>World</i> which - contained a voluptuous picture of myself. Removing my hat and making a - court salaam by letting out four additional joints in my lithe and - versatile limbs, I asked if any further identification would be necessary. - </p> - <p> - Hastily closing the door to the vault and jerking the combination, he said - that would be satisfactory. I was then permitted to deposit in the bank. - </p> - <p> - I do not know why I should always be regarded with suspicion wherever I - go. I do not present the appearance of a man who is steeped in crime, and - yet when I put my trivial, little, two-gallon valise on the seat of a - depot waiting-room a big man with a red mustache comes to me and hisses - through his clenched teeth: "Take yer baggage off the seat!" It is so - everywhere. I apologize for disturbing a ticket agent long enough to sell - me a ticket, and he tries to jump through a little brass wicket and - throttle me. Other men come in and say: "Give me a ticket for Bandoline, - O., and be dam sudden about it, too," and they get their ticket and go - aboard the car and get the best seat, while I am begging for the - opportunity to buy a seat at full rates and then ride in the wood box. I - believe that common courtesy and decency in America needs protection. Go - into an hotel or a hotel, whichever suits the eyether and nyether reader - of these lines, and the commercial man who travels for a big - sausage-casing house in New York has the bridal chamber, while the meek - and lowly minister of the Gospel gets a wall-pocket room with a cot, a - slippery-elm towel, a cake of cast-iron soap, a disconnected bell, a view - of the laundry, a tin roof and $4 a day. - </p> - <p> - But I digress. I was speaking of the bank check cipher. At the First - National Bank I was shown another of these remarkable indorsements. It - read as follows: - </p> - <p> - <i>Dear Sir: This will be your pay for chickens and other fowls received - up to the first of the present month. Time is working' wondrous changes in - your chickens. They are not such chickens as we used to get of you before - the war. They may be the same chickens, but oh! how changed by the lapse - of time! How much more indestructible! How they have learned since then to - defy the encroaching tooth of remorseless ages, or any other man! Why do - you not have them tender like your squashes! I found a blue poker chip in - your butter this week. What shall I credit myself for it? If you would try - to work your butter more and your customers less it would be highly - appreciated, especially by, yours truly, W.</i> - </p> - <p> - Looking at the signature on the check itself, I found it to be that of - Mrs. James Wexford, of this city. Knowing Mr. Wexford, a wealthy and - influential publisher here, I asked him today if he knew anything about - this matter. He said that all he knew about it was that his wife had a - separate bank account, and had asked him several months ago what was the - use of all the blank space on the back of a check, and why it couldn't be - used for correspondence with the remittee. Mr. Wexford said he'd bet $500 - that his wife had been using her checks that way, for he said he never - knew of a woman who could possibly pay postage on a note, remittance or - anything else unless every particle of the surface had been written over - in a wild, delirious, three-story hand. Later on I found that he was right - about it. His wife had been sassing the grocer and the butter-man on the - back of her checks. Thus ended the great bank mystery. - </p> - <p> - I will close this letter with a little incident the story of which may not - be so startling, but it is true. It is a story of child faith. Johnny - Quinlan, of Evanston, has the most wonderful confidence in the efficacy of - prayer, but he thinks that prayer does not succeed unless it is - accompanied with considerable physical strength. He believes that adult - prayer is a good thing, but doubts the efficacy of juvenile prayer. - </p> - <p> - He has wanted a Jersey cow for a good while, and tried prayer, but it - didn't seem to get to the central office. Last year he went to a neighbor - who is a Christian and believer in the efficacy of prayer, also the owner - of a Jersey cow. - </p> - <p> - "Do you believe that prayer will bring me a yaller Jersey cow?" said - Johnny. - </p> - <p> - "Why, yes, of course. Prayer will remove mountains; it will do anything. - </p> - <p> - "Well, then, suppose you give me the cow you've got and pray for another - one." - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - A FATHER'S LETTER - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">M</span>Y DEAR SOX: We got - your last letter some three days ago. It found us all moderately well - though not very frisky. Your letters now days are getting quite pretty as - regards penmanship. You are certainly going to develop into a fine penman - your mother thinks. She says that if you improve as fast in your writing - next year as you have last, you will soon be writing for the papers. - </p> - <p> - In my mind's eye I can see you there in your room practicing for a long - time on a spiral spring which you make with your pen. I believe you call - it the whole arm movement. I think you got the idea from me. You remember - I used to have a whole arm movement that I introduced into our family - along in the summer of '69. You was at that time trying to learn to swim. - Once or twice the neighbors brought you home with your lungs full of river - water and your ears full of coarse sand. We pumped you dry several times, - but it did not wean you from the river, so I introduced the whole arm - movement, one day and used it from that on in what you would call our - curric kulum. It worked well. - </p> - <p> - Your letters are now very attractive from a scientific standpoint. The - letters all have pretty little curly tails on them, and though you do not - always spell according to Gunter, the capital letters are as pretty as a - picture. I never saw such a round O as you make when you hang your tongue - out and begin to swing yourself. Your mother says that your great-uncle on - her side was a good writer too. He could draw off a turtle dove without - taking his pen from the paper, and most everybody would know as soon as - they looked at it that it was a turtle dove or some such bird as that. - </p> - <p> - He could also draw a deer with coil spring horns on him, and a barbed wire - fence to it, and a scolloped tail, and it looked as much like a deer as - anything else you could think of. - </p> - <p> - He was a fine penman and wrote a good deal for the papers. Your mother has - got a lot of his pieces in the house yet, which the papers sent back - because they were busy and crowded full of other stuff. I read some of - these letters, and any one can see that it was a great sacrifice for the - editors to send the pieces back, but they had got used to it and conquered - their own personal feelings, and sent them back because they were too good - for the plain, untutored reader. One editor said that he did not want to - print the enclosed pieces because he thought it would be a pity to place - such pretty writing in the soiled hands of the practical printer. He said - that the manuscript looked so pretty just as it was, that he hadn't the - heart to send it into the composing room. So the day may not be far away, - Henry, when you can write for the press, your mother thinks. I don't care - so much about it myself, but she has her heart set on it. Your mother - thinks that you are a great man, though I have not detected any symptoms - of it yet. She has got that last pen scroll work here of yours in the - bible, where she can look at it every day. Its the picture of a hen - setting in a nest of curly-cues made with red ink, over a woven wire - mattress of dewdads in blue ink, and some tall grass in violet ink. Your - mother says that this fowl is also a turtle dove, but I think she is - wrong. - </p> - <p> - She says the world has always got a warm place for one who can make such a - beautiful picture without taking his pen off the paper. Perhaps she is - right. I hope that you will not take me for an example, for I am no writer - at all. My parents couldn't give me any advantages when I was young. When - I ought to have been learning how to make a red ink bird of paradise - swooping down on a violet ink butterfly with green horns, I was frittering - away my time trying to keep my misguided parents out of the poor-house. - </p> - <p> - I tell you, Henry, there was mighty little fluff and bloom and funny - business in my young life. While you are acquiring the rudiments of Long - Dennis and polo and penmanship, and storing your mind with useful - knowledge with which to parlize your poor parents when you come home, do - not forget, Henry, that your old sway-back father never had those - opportunities for soaking his system full of useful knowledge which you - now enjoy. When I was your age, I was helping to jerk the smutty logs off - of a new farm with a pair of red and restless steers, in the interest of - your grandfather. - </p> - <p> - But, I do not repine. I just simply call your attention to your - priviledges. Could you have a Summer in the heart of the primeval forest, - thrown in contact with a pair of high-strung steers and a large number of - black flies of the most malignant type, "snaking" half-burnt logs across - yourself and fighting flies from early dawn till set of sun, you would be - willing, nay tickled, to go back to your monotonous round of base ball and - Suffolk jackets and pest-house cigarettes. . - </p> - <p> - We rather expected you home some time ago, but you said you needed sea air - and change of scene, so you will not be home very likely till the latter - part of the month. We will be glad to see you any time, Henry, and we will - try to make it as pleasant as we can for you. Your mother got me to fill - the big straw-tick for your bed again, so that you would have a nice tall - place to sleep, and so that you could live high, as the feller said. - </p> - <p> - I tried on the old velocipede pants you sent home last week. They are too - short for me with the style of legs I am using this Summer. Your bathing - pants are also too short for me, so I gave them to a poor woman here who - is trying to ameliorate the condition of her sex. - </p> - <p> - I send you our love and $9 in money. We will sell the other calf as soon - as it is ripe. Chintz bugs are rather more robust than last year, and the - mortgage on our place looks as if it might mature prematurely. We had a - lecture on phrenology at the school-house Tuesday night, during which four - of our this spring's roan turkies wandered so far away from home that they - lost their bearings and never came back again. So good-by for this time. - Your father, - </p> - <p> - Bill Nye - </p> - <h3> - THE AZTEC AT HOME - </h3> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>T HAS been my good - fortune within the past ten years to witness a number of the remaining - landmarks left to indicate the trail of the original inhabitant of this - country. It has been a pleasure, and yet a kind of sad pleasure, to - examine the crumbling ruins of what was once regarded, no doubt, as the - very triumph of aboriginal taste and mechanical ingenuity. - </p> - <p> - I can take but a cursory glance at these earmarks of a forgotten age, for - a short treatise like this cannot embrace minute details, of course. - </p> - <p> - We are told by the historian that there were originally two distinct - classes of Indians occupying the territory now embraced by the United - States, viz., the village Indians or horticultural Indians, and the - extremely rural Indians or nonhorticultural variety. - </p> - <p> - The village Indians or horticulturalists subsisted upon fruits and grain, - ground in a crude way, while the non-horticulturalists lived on wild game, - berries, acorns and pilgrims. - </p> - <p> - Of the latter class few traces remain, excepting rude arrow heads and - coarse stone weapons. These articles show very little skill as a rule, the - only indication of brains that I ever discovered being on a large stone - hammer or Mohawk swatter, and they were not the brains of the man who made - it either. - </p> - <p> - The village Indians, however, were architects from away up the gulch. - </p> - <p> - They constructed a number of architectural works of great beauty, several - of which I have visited. They were once, no doubt, regarded as very - desirable residences, but now, alas, they have fallen into innocuous - desuetude—at least that is what it looked like to me, and the odor - reminded me of innocuous desuetude in a bad state of preservation. - </p> - <p> - In New Mexico, over 300 years ago, there were built a number of pereblos - or villages which still stand up, in a measure, though some of them are in - a recumbent position. These pereblos or villages are formed of three or - four buildings constructed in the retrousse style of architecture, and - made of adobe bricks. These bricks are generally of a beautiful, soft, - black and tan color, and at a distance look like the first loaf of bread - baked by a young lady who has been reared in luxury but whose father has - been suddenly called away to Canada. The adobe brick is said to be so - indigestible, in fact, that I am confident the day is not far distant when - it will be found on every hotel bill of fare in our broad sin-cursed land. - </p> - <p> - One of these dwellings was generally about 200 feet long, with no - stairways in the interior, but movable ladders on the outside instead. - This manner of reaching the upper floor had its advantages, and yet it was - not always convenient. One feature in its favor was the isolation which a - man could pull around himself by going in at the second-story window and - pulling the ladder up after him, as there was no entrance to the house on - the ground floor. If a man really courted retirement, and wanted to write - a humorous lecture or a $2 homily, he could insert himself through the - second-story window, pull in the staircase and go to work. Then no one - could disturb him without bribing a hook and ladder company to come along - and let him in. - </p> - <p> - But the great drawback was the annoyance incident to ascending these - ladders at a late hour in the night, while under the influence of Aztec - rum, a very seductive yet violently intoxicating beverage, containing - about eight parts cheer to ninety-two parts inebriate. - </p> - <p> - These residences were hardly gothic in style, being extremely rectangular, - with a tendency toward the more modern dry-goods box. It is believed by - abler men than I am, men who could believe more in two minutes than I - could believe in a lifetime if I had nothing else to do, that those houses - contained about thirty-eight apartments on the first floor and nineteen on - the second. These apartments were separated by some kind of cheap and - transitory partition, which could not stand the climatic changes, and so - has gone to decay; but these Indians were determined to have their rooms - separated in some way, for they were very polite and decorous to a fault. - No Aztec gentleman would emerge from his room until he had completed his - toilet, if it cost him his position. - </p> - <p> - I once heard of an Aztec who lived away down in old Mexico somewhere - several centuries ago and who was the pink of politeness. He wore - full-dress winter and summer, the whole year round, and studied a large - work on etiquette every evening. At night he would undress himself by - unhooking the german-silver ring from his nose and hanging it on the back - of a chair. - </p> - <p> - One night a young man from the capital, named Ozone, or something like - that, a relative of the Montezumas, came over to stay a week or two with - this Aztec dude. As a good joke he slipped in and nipped the nose-ring of - his friend just to see if he would so far violate the proprieties as to - appear at breakfast time without it. - </p> - <p> - Morning came and the dude awoke to find the bright rays of a Mexican sun - streaming in through his casement. He rose, and, bathing himself in a - gourd, he looked on the back of the chair for his clothing, but it was not - there. A cold perspiration broke out all over him. He called for - assistance, but no one came. He called again and again, louder and still - more loud, but help came not. He went to the casement and looked out upon - the plaza. The plaza did not turn away. A Mexican plaza is not easily - dashed. - </p> - <p> - He called till he was hoarse, but all was still in the house. Hollow - echoes alone came back to him to mock him. - </p> - <p> - At night, when the rest of the household returned from a protracted picnic - in the distant hills, young Ozone ascended the ladder which he carried - with him in a shawl-strap, and entering the room of the Aztec dude gave - him the nosering with a hearty laugh, but, alas! he was greeted with the - wild, piercing shriek of a maniac robbed of his clothing; the man had - suffered such mental tortures during the long, long day, that when night - came, reason tottered on her throne. It is said that he never regained his - faculties, but would always greet his visitors with a wild forty-cent - shriek and bury his face in his hands. His friends tried to get him into - society again, but he could not be prevailed upon to go. He seemed to be - afraid that he would be shocked in some way, or that some one might take - advantage of him and read an immoral poem to him. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - IN THE SOUTH - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span>SHEVILLE, N.C., - December 9.—There is no place in the United States, so far as I - know, where the cow is more versatile or ambidextrous, if I may be allowed - the use of a term that is far above my station in life, than here in the - mountains of North Carolina, where the obese 'possum and the anonymous - distiller have their homes. - </p> - <p> - Not only is the Tar-heel cow the author of a pale but athletic style of - butter, but in her leisure hours she aids in tilling the perpendicular - farm on the hillside, or draws the products to market. In this way she - contrives to put in her time to the best advantage, and when she dies, it - casts a gloom over the community in which she has resided. - </p> - <p> - The life of a North Carolina cow is indeed fraught with various changes - and saturated with a zeal which is praiseworthy in the extreme. From the - sunny days when she gambols through the beautiful valleys, inserting her - black, retrousse and perspiration-dotted nose in to the blue grass from - ear to ear, until at life's close, when every part and portion of her - overworked system is turned into food, raiment or overcoat buttons, the - life of the Tar-heel cow is one of intense activity. - </p> - <p> - Her girlhood is short, and almost before we have deemed her emancipated - from calfhood herself we find her in the capacity of a mother. With the - cares of maternity other demands are quickly made upon her. She is obliged - to ostracize herself from society, and enter into the prosaic details of - producing small, pallid globules of butter, the very pallor of which so - thoroughly belies its lusty strength. - </p> - <p> - The butter she turns out rapidly until it begins to be worth something, - when she suddenly suspends publication and begins to haul wood to market. - In this great work she is assisted by the pearl-gray or ecru colored - jackass of the tepid South. This animal has been referred to in the - newspapers throughout the country, and yet he never ceases to be an object - of the greatest interest. - </p> - <p> - Jackasses in the South are of two kinds, viz., male and female. Much as - has been said of the jackass pro and con, I do not remember ever to have - seen the above statement in print before, and yet it is as trite as it is - incontrovertible. In the Rocky mountains we call this animal the burro. - There he packs bacon, flour and salt to the miners. The miners eat the - bacon and flour, and with the salt they are enabled to successfully salt - the mines. - </p> - <p> - The burro has a low, contralto voice which ought to have some machine oil - on it. The voice of this animal is not unpleasant if he would pull some of - the pathos out of it and make it more joyous. - </p> - <p> - Here the jackass at times becomes a coworker with the cow in hauling - tobacco and other necessaries of life into town, but he goes no further in - the matter of assistance. He compels her to tread the cheese press alone - and contributes nothing whatever in the way of assistance for the butter - industry. - </p> - <p> - The North Carolina cow is frequently seen here driven double or single by - means of a small rope line attached to a tall, emaciated gentleman, who is - generally clothed with the divine right of suffrage, to which he adds a - small pair of ear-bods during the holidays. - </p> - <p> - The cow is attached to each shaft and a small singletree, or swingletree, - by means of a broad strap harness. She also wears a breeching, in which - respect she frequently has the advantage of her escort. - </p> - <p> - I think I have never witnessed a sadder sight than that of a new milch - cow, torn away from home and friends and kindred dear, descending a steep, - mountain road at a rapid rate and striving in her poor, weak manner to - keep out of the way of a small Jackson democratic wagon loaded with a big - hogshead full of tobacco. It seems to me so totally foreign to the nature - of the cow to enter into the tobacco traffic, a line of business for which - she can have no sympathy and in which she certainly can feel very little - interest. - </p> - <p> - Tobacco of the very finest kind is produced here, and is used mainly for - smoking purposes. It is the highest-priced tobacco produced in this - country. A tobacco broker here yesterday showed me a large quantity of - what he called export tobacco. It looks very much like other tobacco while - growing. - </p> - <p> - He says that foreigners use a great deal of this kind. I am learning all - about the Tobacco industry while here, and as fast as I get hold of any - new facts I will communicate them to the press. The newspapers of this - country have done much for me, not only by publishing many pleasant things - about me, but by refraining from publishing other things about me, and so - I am glad to be able, now and then, to repay this kindness by furnishing - information and facts for which I have no use myself, but which may be of - incalculable value to the press. - </p> - <p> - As I write these lines I am informed that the snow is twenty-six inches - deep here and four feet deep at High Point in this State. People who did - not bring in their pomegranates last evening are bitterly bewailing their - thoughtlessness to-day. - </p> - <p> - A great many people come here from various parts of the world, for the - climate. When they have remained here for one winter, however, they decide - to leave it where it is. - </p> - <p> - It is said that the climate here is very much like that of Turin. But I - did not intend to go to Turin even before I heard about that. - </p> - <p> - Please send my paper to the same address, and if some one who knows a good - remedy for chilblains will contribute it to the Sabbath Globe, I shall - watch for it with great interest. Yours as here 2 4. - </p> - <p> - Bill N ye. - </p> - <p> - P.S.—I should have said relative to the cows of this State that if - the owners would work their butter more and their cows less, they would - confer a great boon on the consumer of both. B. N. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - IN THE PARK - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>O the general - public I may say that I violate no confidence in saying that spring is the - most joyful season of the year. But June is also a good month. Well has - the poet ejaculated, "And what is so rare as a day in June?" though I have - seen days in March that were so rare that they were almost raw. This is - not a weather report; however. I started out to state that Central Park - just now is looking its very best, and opens up with the prospects of - doing a good business this season. A ride through the Park just now is a - delight to one who loves to commune with nature, especially human nature. - </p> - <p> - The nobility of New York now turns out to get the glorious air and - ventilate its crest. I saw several hundred crests and coats-of-arms the - other day in an hour's time, and it was rather a poor day, too, for a - great many of our best people are just changing from their spring to their - light, summer coats-of-arms. - </p> - <p> - One of the best crests I saw was a nice, large, red crest, about the size - of an adult rhubarb pie, with a two-year-old Durham unicorn above it, - bearing in his talons the unique maxim, "<i>Sans culottes, sans - snockemonthegob, sans ery sipelas est</i>." - </p> - <p> - And how true this is, too, in a great many cases. - </p> - <p> - Another very handsome crest on the carriage of the van Studentickels - consisted of a towel-rack penchant, with cockroach regardant, holding in - his beak a large red tape-worm on which was inscribed: "<i>Spirituous - frumenti, cum homo to-morrow</i>." - </p> - <p> - Many of the crests contained terse Latin mottoes, taken from the - inscriptions on peppermint conversation candies, and were quite cute. A - coat-of-arms, consisting of a small Limburger cheese couchant, above which - stood a large can of chloride of potash, on which was inscribed the words, - "Miss, may I see you home?" I thought very taking and just mysterious - enough to make it exciting. - </p> - <p> - Some day I am going to get myself a crest. I am only waiting for something - to put it on. It will consist of a monkey with his eye knocked out and a - bright green parrot with his tail pulled off, and over this the simple - remark: "We have had a high old time," or words to that effect. - </p> - <p> - Not so many equestrians were out as usual on the day I visited the park, - but those who were out afforded the observer a beautiful view of the park - between their persons and the saddle. The equestriennes were more - numerous, and one or two especially were as beautiful as anything that - nature ever turned out. One young woman, in a neat-fitting plug hat, - looked to me like a peri. It has been a good while now since I saw a peri, - but I have always heard them very highly spoken of, and I hope she will - not be offended when she reads these lines and finds that I regard her in - that light. - </p> - <p> - Carriage-horses are dressing about as they did last season, except that - pon-pon tails are more worn, especially at the end. Neck-yokes are cut low - this year so as to show the shoulders of the wearer, and horses in - mourning wear their tails at half-mast. - </p> - <p> - The porous plastron is not in favor this year, but many horses who - interfere are wearing life-preservers over the fetlock, and sometimes a - small chest-protector of russet leather over the joint, according to the - taste of the wearer. - </p> - <p> - Polka-dot or half-mourning dogs are much affected by people who are - beginning to get the upper hand of their grief. Much taste is shown in the - selection of dogs for the coming season, and many owners chain their - coachman to the dog, so that if any one were to come and try to abduct the - dog the coachman could bite him and drive him away. A good coachman to - take care of a watch-dog is almost invaluable. - </p> - <p> - A custom of taking the butler along in the seat with the coachman is - growing in favor for two reasons: First, it shows that you have a butler, - and, second, you know that while he is out with you he is not putting - paste in the place of your diamonds at home. So I had almost said that it - paste to do this. - </p> - <p> - The automatic or jointless footman is still popular, and a young man who - has a good turning-lathe leg and an air of impenetrable gloom can get a - job most any time. - </p> - <p> - Many New York gentlemen who are fond of driving take their grooms out to - Central Park every afternoon for an airing. This is a wise provision, for - those who have associated much with grooms will agree with me that a - little airing now and then is just what they need. - </p> - <p> - There ought to be a book of park etiquette printed soon, however, for the - guidance of its patrons. In the first place, it should be considered. - </p> - <p> - Autre for a gentleman to hire a coupe by the hour in order to recover from - alcoholic prostration, and then sleep up and down the drive with his feet - out the window. It is not respectful, and besides that the blood is liable - to all rush to his head. - </p> - <p> - Drunken cab-drivers, too, should not be permitted to drive in the park, - for only a little while ago one of them is said to have fallen from his - high perch and injured his crest. - </p> - <p> - A park policeman should be specially detailed as a breath tester to stand - at each entrance and smell the breath of all drivers and other patrons of - the park. Let us enforce the law. - </p> - <p> - But the most curious feature about the exhibition afternoon spin in the - Park is the great prevalence of mourning symbols. Almost, if not quite, - one-third of the carriages one meets is decorated with black in every - possible way, till sometimes it looks like a runaway funeral procession. - </p> - <p> - Why people should come to Central Park to advertise their woe by means of - long black mourning tassels at their horses' heads and a draped driver - with broad bands of bombazine concealing the russet tops of his boots, - sometimes dressed in black throughout, is more than I can understand. - </p> - <p> - The honest, earnest and genuine affection of a good woman for a worthy - man, alive or dead, is too sacred to treat lightly and the love that - survives the wreck and ruin of gathering years has inspired more than one - man to deeds of daring whereby he has won everlasting renown, but the woe - that is divided up among the servants and shared in by the horses is not - in good taste, it is not in good order and there are flies on it. - </p> - <p> - It is like saying to the world come and see how I suffer. It is parading - your sore toe in Central Park, where people with sore toes are not - supposed to congregate. It is like a widow wailing her woe through the - "Want" column of a healthy morning paper. It is, in effect, saying to - Christendom, come and hear me snort and see me paw up the ground in my - paroxysms of wild and uncontrollable anguish. My grief is of such a - penetrating nature and of that searching variety that it has broken out at - the barn, and even the horses that I bought two weeks after the funeral, - with a part of the life insurance money, have gone into mourning, and the - coachman who got here day before yesterday from Liverpool has tied himself - up in black bombazine and takes special delight in advertising our sorrow. - </p> - <p> - I do not believe that it will always be popular to wear mourning for our - friends unless we feel a little doubtful about where they went. - </p> - <p> - Black is offensive to the eye, offensive to the nose, and it makes your - flesh crźpe to touch it. Will the proofreader please deal gently with the - above joke and I will do as much for him sometime. - </p> - <p> - Henry Ward Beecher had the right idea of the way to treat death, and when - at last it came his turn to die his home and his church both seemed to - say: "The great preacher is gone, but there is nothing about the change - that is sad." - </p> - <p> - There is something the matter with grief that works itself up into black - rosettes and long black banners that sweep the ground and shut out the sky - and look like despair and feel like the season-cracked back of a warty - dragon. - </p> - <p> - But wealth has its little eccentricities and we must bear with them. But - he alone is indeed rich who is content and who does not look under the bed - every night for an indictment. Look at poor old Mr. Sharp, with his stock - of Aldermen depreciating on his hands—men for whom he paid a big - price only a few years ago and who would not attract attention now on a - ten-cent counter, while he don't feel very well himself. - </p> - <p> - No, I would not swap places with J. Sharp and ride through Central Park - behind a pair of rip, snorting horses, with mourning rosettes on their - heads, and feel that I must hurry back to help select an unprejudiced - jury. I would rather hang on to the brow of a Broadway car till I got to - Fifty-second street, and then stroll over to the menagerie and feed red - pepper to the Sacred Cow and have a good, plain, quiet time than to wear - fine clothes and be wealthy and hate myself all the time. I believe that I - am happier in my untroubled, dreamless sleep on my quiet couch, which - draws a salary during the daytime as an upright piano; happier browsing - about at a different restaurant each day, so that the waiters will not get - well acquainted with me and expect me to give them the money that I am - saving up to go to Europe with; happier, I say, to be thus tossed about on - the bosom of the great, heaving human tide than to have forty or fifty - millions of dollars concealed about my person that I cannot remember how I - obtained. - </p> - <p> - I dislike notoriety, and nothing irritates me more than the coarse - curiosity of people who ride at night in the elevated trains and peer idly - into my room as I toil over my sewing or go gayly about humming a simple - air as I prepare the evening meal over my cute little portable oil stove, - and though I have not courted this interest on the part of the people, and - though I would prefer to live less in the eye of the public, I feel that, - occupying the position I do, I cannot expect to wholly consult my own - wishes in the matter, and I am content to live quietly and enjoy good - health rather than wear good clothes and feel rocky all the time. - </p> - <p> - I would rather have a healthy alimentary - </p> - <p> - Than he garnished all over with passementerie. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - LIBERTY ENLIGHTENING THE WORLD. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">W</span>HEN Patrick Henry - put his old cast-iron spectacles on the top of his head and whooped for - liberty, he did not know that some day we would have more of it than we - knew what to do with. He little dreamed that the time would come when we - would have more liberty than we could pay for. When Mr. Henry sawed the - air and shouted for liberty or death, I do not believe that he knew the - time would one day come when Liberty would stand knee deep in the mud of - Bedloe's Island and yearn for a solid place to stand upon. - </p> - <p> - It seems to me that we have too much liberty in this country in some ways. - We have more liberty than we have money. We guarantee that every man in - America shall fill himself up full of liberty at our expense, and the less - of an American he is the more liberty he can have. If he desires to enjoy - himself, all he needs is a slight foreign accent and a willingness to mix - up with politics as soon as he can get his baggage off the steamer. The - more I study American institutions the more I regret that I was not born a - foreigner, so that I could have something to say about the management of - our great land. If I could not be a foreigner, I believe I would prefer to - be a Mormon or an Indian not taxed. - </p> - <p> - I am often led to ask, in the language of the poet, "Is the Caucasian - played out?" Most everybody can have a good deal of fun in this country - except the American. He seems to be so busy paying his taxes all the time - that he has very little time to mingle in the giddy whirl with the alien. - That is the reason that the alien who rides across the United States on - the "Limited Mail" and writes a book about us before breakfast wonders why - we are always in a hurry. That is the reason we have to throw our meals - into ourselves with a dull thud, and hardly have time to maintain a warm - personal friendship with our families. - </p> - <p> - We do not care much for wealth, but we must have freedom, and freedom - costs money. We have advertised to furnish a bunch of freedom to every - man, woman or child who comes to our shores, and we are going to deliver - the good whether we have any left for ourselves or not. - </p> - <p> - What would the great world beyond the seas say to us if some day the - blue-eyed Mormon, with his heart full of love for our female seminaries - and our old women's homes, should land upon our coasts and find that we - were using all the liberty ourselves? What do we want of liberty anyhow? - What could we do with it if we had it? It takes a man of leisure to enjoy - liberty, and we have no leisure whatever. It is a good thing to keep in - the house "for the use of guests only," but we don't need it for - ourselves. - </p> - <p> - Therefore, I am in favor of a statue of Liberty Enlightening the World, - because it will show that we keep it on tap winter and summer. We want the - whole broad world to remember that when it gets tired of oppression it can - come here to America and oppress us. We are used to it, and we rather like - it. If we don't like it, we can get on the steamer and go abroad, where we - may visit the effete monarchies and have a high old time. - </p> - <p> - The sight of the Goddess of Liberty standing there in New York harbor - night and day, bathing her feet in the rippling sea, will be a good thing. - It will be first-rate. It may also be productive of good in a direction - that many have not thought of. As she stands there day after day, bathing - her feet in the broad Atlantic, perhaps some moss-grown Mormon moving - toward the Far West, a confirmed victim of the matrimonial habit, may fix - the bright picture in his so-called mind, and remembering how, on his - arrival in New York, he saw Liberty bathing her feet with impunity, he may - be led in after years to try it on himself. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - HE SEES THE CAPITAL - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">W</span>HEN I got off the - Pennsylvania train yesterday I went to a barber shop before I did anything - else. I have a thick, Venetian red, chinchilla beard, which grows rapidly, - and which gives me a fuzzy appearance every twenty-four hours, unless I - place myself frequently into the hands of a barber. At first I used to - shave myself, but I cut myself to pieces in such a sickening manner, - without seeming to impede the growth of the rich and foxy beard, that - until last summer I gave up being my own barber. At that time I was - presented with a safety razor which the manufacturer said would not cut my - face, because it was impossible for it to cut anything except the beard. - The safety razor resembles in appearance several other toilet articles, - such as the spoke shave, the road scraper, the can opener, the lawn mower - and the turbine water wheel, but it does not look like a razor. It also - looks like a carpet sweeper some, and reminds me of a monkey wrench. It is - said that you can shave yourself on a train if you will use this - instrument. I tried it once last winter while going west. In fact, I took - the trip largely to see if one could shave on board the train safely with - this razor. I had no special trouble. At least I did not cut off any - features that I cared anything about, but I was disappointed in the - results, and also in the length of time consumed in cleaning the razor - after I got through. I was shaving myself only from Forty-second street to - Albany, but it took me from Albany to Omaha to pull the razor apart, and - to dig out the coagulated lather and the dear, dear whiskers. I now employ - a valet whose name is Patria McGloria. He irons my trousers, shaves and - dresses me, and mows the lawn. When I come to Washington, I am too - democratic to travel with a valet, fearing that it might cost me several - thousand votes some day, and so I leave my maid at home to wash and dress - the salad. In that way he does not miss me, and I get the credit at - Washington of being a man who spends so much time thinking of his - country's welfare that he doesn't have a chance to look pretty. - </p> - <p> - I did not fall into a very gaudy barber shop. The appointments were like - some of the president's appointments, I thought—viz., in poor taste, - but this is not a political letter. I do not wish to antagonize anybody, - especially the president of the United States. He has always treated me - well. - </p> - <p> - I will now return to the barber shop. It was a plain structure, with - beautiful sarsaparilla pictures here and there on the walls and a faint - odor of rancid pomatum and overworked hair restoratives. - </p> - <p> - There were three chairs richly upholstered in two-ply carpeting of some - inflammatory hue, with large vines and the kind of flowers which grow on - carpets but nowhere else. I have seen blossoms woven into ingrain carpets, - varying in color from a dead black to the color of a hepatized lung, but I - have never seen one that reminded me of anything I ever saw in nature. The - chair I sat in also had springs in it. They were made of selections from - the Washington monument. - </p> - <p> - The barber who waited on me asked me if I wanted a shave. A great many - barbers ask me this during the year. Sometimes they do it from habit, and - sometimes they do it to brighten up my life and bring a smile to my wan - cheek. As I have no hair, the thinking mind naturally and by a direct - course of reasoning arrives at the conclusion that when I go into a barber - shop and climb into a chair, I do so for the purpose of getting shaved and - not with the idea of having my fortune told or my deposition taken. Still - barbers continue to ask me this question and look at each other with ill - concealed mirth. - </p> - <p> - I said yes, I would like a shave unless he preferred to take my - temperature, or amuse me by making a death mask of himself. He then began - to strap a large razor with a double shuffle movement and to size me up at - the same time. - </p> - <p> - He was a colored man, but he had lived in Washington a long time and knew - a great deal more than he would if his lot had fallen elsewhere. He spoke - with some feeling and fed me with about the most unpalatable lather I - think I ever participated in. He also did an odd thing when he went for - the second time over my face. I never have noticed the custom outside of - that shop. Most barbers, in making the second trip over a customer's face, - moisten one side at a time with a sponge or the damp hand as they go - along, but in this case a large quantity of lather was put in my ear and, - as he needed it, he took out what he required from time to time, using his - finger like a paint brush and spreading on the lather as he went along. So - accurately had he learned to measure the quantity of lather which an ear - will hold that when he got through with me and I went away there was not - over a tablespoonfnl in either ear and possibly not that much. - </p> - <p> - While I sat in the chair I heard a man, who seemed to be in about the - third chair from me, saying that a certain bill numbered so-and-so had - been referred to a certain committee and would undoubtedly by reported - favorably. If so, it would in its regular order come up for discussion and - reach a vote so-and-so. I was charmed with the man's knowledge of the - condition of affairs in both houses and the exact status of all threatened - legislation, because I always have to stop and think a good while before I - can tell whether a bill originates on the floor of the house or in the - rotunda. - </p> - <p> - I could not see this man, but I judged that he was a senator or - sergeant-at-arms. He talked for some time about the condition of national - affairs, and finally some one said something about evolution. I was - perfectly wrapped up in what he was saying and remember distinctly how he - referred to Herbert Spencer's definition of evolution as a change from - indefinite, coherent heterogeneity through continuous differentiations and - integrations. - </p> - <p> - When I arose from my chair and looked over that way I saw that the - gentleman who had been talking on the condition of congressional - legislation was a colored hotel porter of Washington, who was getting - shaved in the third chair, and the man who was discussing the merits of - evolution was the colored man who was shaving him. - </p> - <p> - Here in Washington the colored man has the air of one who is holding up - one corner of the great national structure. Whether he is opening your - soft boiled eggs for you in the morning, or putting bay rum on your nose, - or checking your umbrella or brushing you with a wilted whisk broom, his - thoughts are mostly upon national affairs. He is naturally an imitator - wherever he goes, and this old resident of Washington has watched and - studied the air and language of eminent statesmen so carefully that when - he goes forth in the morning with his whitewashing portfolio on his arm he - walks unconsciously like Senator Evarts or John James Ingalls. I saw a - colored man taking a perpendicular lunch at the depot yesterday, and - evidently the veteran Georgia senator is his model, for he cut his custard - pie into large rectangular hunks and pushed it back behind his glottis - with a caseknife, after which he drew in a saucerful of tea, with a loud - and violent ways-and-means committee report which reminded me of the noise - made by an unwearied cyclone trying to suck a cistern dry. I think that - the colored man exaggerated the imitation somewhat, but he was evidently - trying to assume the table manners of Senator Brown of Georgia. - </p> - <p> - For this reason, if for no other, members of the cabinet, senators, - representatives, judges and heads of departments cannot be too careful in - their daily walk and conversation. Unconsciously they are molding the - customs, the manners, and the styles of dress which are to become the - customs, the manners, and the dress of a whole race. If I could to-day - take our statesmen all apart, not so much for the purpose of examining - their works, but so that we could be alone and talk this matter over by - ourselves, I would strive in my poor, weak, faltering way to impress upon - them the awful responsibility which rests upon them not only as polite and - fluent conversationalists, classical and courteous debators. speaking - pieces for the benefit of future conventions, of referring to each other - as liars, traitors, thieves, deserters, bummers, beats, and great moral - abscesses on the body politic; rehearsing campaign speeches in congress at - an expense of $20 per day each, and meantime obstructing wholesome tariff - legislation, but as the conservators of etiquette, statesmanship, and - morality for a race of people the great responsibility for whose welfare - still rests upon us as a nation. - </p> - <p> - Only the day before yesterday I saw a thin, wiry, and colored gentleman - pawing around in an ash barrel for something, and I waited to see what he - was after. He resurrected a sad and dejected plug hat, and, though it was - not half so good as the one he wore, he seemed much pleased with it and - put it on. I ventured to ask him why he had done so without improving his - appearance, and he said that for a long time he had been looking for a hat - which would highten the resemblance which people had often noticed and - remarked in days gone by, both in person, sah, and general carriage, walk, - and conversation, sah, also in the matter of clear cut and logical life - sentences, as existing between himself, sah, and Senator Evarts, sah. He - believed that he had struck it, sah. - </p> - <p> - As spring warms up the air about Washington the heating apparatus of the - capitol building begins to relax its interest, and now you can visit most - any part of the stately pile without being scrambled in your own - embonpoint. Last winter I heard Senator Frye of Maine make his great - tariff speech, and although there was nothing, about the speech itself - which seemed to evolve much exercise or industry—for it was the same - speech in every essential quality that I have heard every November since I - began to take an interest in politics—the perspiration ran down his - face in small washouts and sweatlets and fell in the arena with a mellow - plunk. - </p> - <p> - I believe this unnatural heat to be the cause of much ill health among our - law-makers, and I freely admit that the unhealthy surroundings of - Washington and the great contrast between the hot air of the capitol and - the cold air outside have done a great deal towards keeping me out of the - senate. The night air of Washington is also filled with malaria and is - much worse than any night air I have ever used before. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - HE SEES THE NAVY - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>T HAS become such - a general practice to speak disrespectfully of the United States Navy that - a few days ago I decided to visit the Brooklyn Navy Yard for the purpose - of ascertaining, if possible, how much cause there might be for this light - and airy manner of treating the navy, and, if necessary, to take immediate - steps towards purifying the system. - </p> - <p> - I found that the matter had been grossly misrepresented, and that our - navy, so far as I was able to discover, is self-sustaining. It has been - thoroughly refitted and refurnished throughout, and is as pleasant a navy - as one would see in a day's journey. - </p> - <p> - I had the pleasure of boarding the man-of-war Richmond under a flag of - truce and the Atlantic under a suspension of the rules. I remained some - time on board each of these war ships, and any man who speaks lightly of - the United States Navy in my presence hereafter will receive a stinging - rebuke. - </p> - <p> - The Brooklyn Navy Yard was inaugurated by the purchase of forty acres of - ground in 1801. It has a pleasant water-front, which is at all times - dotted here and there with new war vessels undergoing repairs. Since the - original purchase others have been made and the land side of the yard - inclosed by means of a large brick wall, so that in case there should be a - local disturbance in Brooklyn the rioters could not break through and bite - the navy. In this way a man on board the Atlanta while at anchor in - Brooklyn is just as safe as he would be at home. - </p> - <p> - In order to enter and explore the Navy Yard it is necessary that one - should have a pass. This is a safeguard, wisely adopted by the Commandant, - in order to keep out strangers who might get in under the pretext of - wishing to view the yard and afterwards attack one of the new vessels. - </p> - <p> - On the day I visited the Navy Yard just ahead of me a plain but dignified - person in citizen's dress passed through the gate. He had the bearing of - an officer, I thought, and kept his eye on some object about nine and - one-fourth miles ahead as he walked past the guard. He was told to halt, - but, of course, he did not do so. - </p> - <p> - He was above it. Then the guard overhauled him, and even felt in his - pockets for his pass, as I supposed. Concealed on his person the guard - found four pint bottles filled with the essence of crime. They poured the - poor man's rum on the grass and then fired him out, accompanied by a - rebuke which will make him more deliberate about sitting down for a week - or two. - </p> - <p> - The feeling against arduous spirits in the United States Navy is certainly - on the increase, and the day is not far distant when alcohol in a free - state will only be used in the arts, sciences, music, literature and the - drama. - </p> - <p> - The Richmond is a large but buoyant vessel painted black. It has a front - stairway hanging over the balcony, and the latch-string to the front door - was hanging cheerily out as we drew alongside. During an engagement, - however, on the approach of the enemy, the front stairs are pulled up and - the latch-string is pulled in, while the commanding officer makes the - statement, "April Fool" through a speaking-trumpet to the chagrined and - infuriated foe. - </p> - <p> - The Richmond is a veteran of the late war, a war which no one ever - regretted more than I did; not so much because of the bloodshed and - desolation it caused at the time, but on account of the rude remarks since - made to those who did not believe in the war and whose feelings have been - repeatedly hurt by reference to it since the war closed. - </p> - <p> - The guns of the Richmond are muzzle-loaders, <i>i.e.</i>, the load or - charge of ammunition is put into the other or outer end of the gun instead - of the inner extremity or base of the gun, as is the case with the - breech-loader. The breech-loader is a great improvement on the old style - gun, making warfare a constant source of delirious joy now, whereas in - former times in case of a naval combat during a severe storm, the man who - went outside the ship to load the gun, while it was raining, frequently - contracted pneumonia. - </p> - <p> - Modern guns are made with breeches, which may be easily removed during a - fight and replaced when visitors come on board. A sort of grim humor - pervades the above remark. - </p> - <p> - The Richmond is about to sail away to China. I do not know why she is - going to China but presume she does not care to be here during the - amenities, antipathies and aspersions of a Presidential campaign. A - man-of-war would rather make some sacrifices generally than to get into - trouble. - </p> - <p> - I must here say that I would rather be captured by our naval officers than - by any other naval officers I have ever seen. The older officers were calm - and self-possessed during my visit on board both the Richmond and Atlanta, - and the young fellows are as handsome as a steel engraving. While gazing - on them as they proudly trod the quarter deck or any other deck that - needed it, I was proud of my sex, and I could not help thinking that had I - been an unprotected but beautiful girl, hostile to the United States, I - could have picked out five or six young men there to either of whom I - would be glad to talk over the details of an armistice. I could not help - enjoying fully my hospitable treatment by the officers above referred to - after having been only a little while before rudely repulsed and most - cruelly snubbed by a haughty young cotton-sock broker in a New York store. - </p> - <p> - When will people ever learn that the way to have fun with me is to treat - me for the time being as an equal? - </p> - <p> - It was wash-day on board ship, and I could not help noticing how the - tyrant man asserts himself when he becomes sole boss of the household. The - rule on board a man-of-war is that the first man who on wash-day shall - suggest a "picked-up dinner" shall be loaded into the double-barrelled - howitzer and shot into the bosom of Venus. - </p> - <p> - On the clothes-line I noticed very few frills. The lingerie on board a war - vessel is severe in outline and almost harsh in detail. Here the salt - breezes search in vain for the singularly sawed-off and fluently trimmed - toga of our home life. Here all is changed. From the basement to the top - of the lightning rod, from pit to dome, as I was about to say, a - belligerent ship on washday is not gayly caparisoned. - </p> - <p> - The Atlanta is a fair representative of the modern war vessel and would be - the most effective craft in the world if she could use her guns. She has - all the modern improvements, hot and cold water, electric lights, handy to - depots and a good view of the ocean, but when she shoots off her guns they - pull out her circles, abrade her deck, concuss her rotunda, contuse the - main brace and injure people who have always been friendly to the - Government. Her guns are now being removed and new circles put in, so that - in future she would be enabled to give less pain to her friends and squirt - more gloom into the ranks of the enemy. She is at present as useful for - purposes of defense as a revolver in the bottom of a locked-up bureau - drawer, the key of which is in the pocket of your wife's dress in a dark - closet, wherein also the burglar is, for the nonce, concealed. - </p> - <p> - Politics has very little to do with the conduct of a navy-yard. No one - would talk politics with me. I could not arouse any interest there at all - in the election. Every one seemed delighted with the present - Administration, however. The navy-yard always feels that way. - </p> - <p> - In the choky or brig at the guard-house I saw a sailor locked up who was - extremely drunk. - </p> - <p> - "How did you get it here, my man?" I asked. - </p> - <p> - "Through thinfloonee of prominent Democrat, you damphool. Howje spose?" he - unto me straightway did reply. - </p> - <p> - The sailor is sometimes infested with a style of arid humor which asserts - itself in the most unlooked-for fashion. I laughed heartily at his odd yet - coarse repartee, and went away. - </p> - <p> - The guard-house contains a choice collection of manacles, handcuffs, lily - irons and other rare gems. The lily irons are not now in use. They consist - of two iron bands for the wrists, connected by means of a flat iron, which - can be opened up to let the wrists into place; then they are both locked - at one time by means of a wrench like the one used by a piano-tuner. With - a pair of lily irons on the wrists and another pair on the ankles a man - locked in the brig and caught out 2,000 miles at sea in a big gale, with - the rudder knocked off the ship and a large litter of kittens in the steam - cylinder, would feel almost helpless. - </p> - <p> - I had almost forgotten to mention the drug store on board ship. Each - man-of-war has a small pharmacy on the second floor. It is open all night, - and prescriptions are carefully compounded. Pure drugs, paints, oils, - varnishes and putty are to be had there at all times. The ship's - dispensary is not a large room, but two ordinary men and a truss would not - feel crowded there. The druggists treated me well on board both ships, and - offered me my choice of antiseptics and anodynes, or anything else I might - take a fancy to. I shall do my trading in that line hereafter on board - ship. - </p> - <p> - The Atlanta has many very modern improvements, and is said to be a - wonderful sailor. She also has a log. I saw it. It does not look exactly - like what I had, as an old lumberman, imagined that it would. - </p> - <p> - It is a book, with writing in it, about the size of the tax-roll for 1888. - In the cupola of the ship, where the wheel is located, there is also a big - brass compass about as large as the third stomach of a cow. In this there - is a little index or dingus, which always points towards the north. That - is all it has to do. On each side of the compass is a large cannon ball so - magnetized or polarized or influenced as to overcome the attraction of the - needle for some desirable portion of the ship. There is also an index - connected with the shaft whereby the man at the wheel can ascertain the - position of the shaft and also ascertain at night whether the ship is - advancing or retreating—a thing that he should inform himself about - at the earliest possible moment. - </p> - <p> - The culinary arrangements on board these ships would make many a hotel - blush, and I have paid $1 a day for a worse room than the choky at the - guard-house. - </p> - <p> - In the Navy-Yard at Brooklyn is the big iron hull or running gears of an - old ship of some kind which the Republicans were in the habit of hammering - on for a few weeks prior to election every four years. Four years ago, - through an oversight, the workmen were not called off nor informed of - Blaine's defeat for several days after the election.. - </p> - <p> - The Democrats have an entirely different hull in another part of the yard - on which they are hammering. - </p> - <p> - The keel blocks of a new cruiser, 375 feet long are just laid in the big - ship-house at the Brooklyn Navy-Yard. She will be a very airy and cheerful - boat, I judge, if the keel blocks are anything to go by. - </p> - <p> - In closing this account I desire to state that I hope I have avoided the - inordinate use of marine terms, as I desire to make myself perfectly clear - to the ordinary landsman, even at the expense of beauty and style of - description. I would rather be thoroughly understood than confuse the - reader while exerting myself to show my knowledge of terms. I also desire - to express my thanks to the United States Navy for its kindness and - consideration during my visit. I could have been easily blown into space - half a dozen times without any opportunity to blow back through the - papers, had the navy so desired, and yet nothing but terms of endearment - passed between the navy and myself. - </p> - <p> - Lieut. Arthur P. Nazro, Chief Engineer Henry B. Nones, Passed Assistant - Engineer E. A. Magee, Capt. F. H. Harrington, of the United States Marine - Corps; Mr. Gus C. Roeder, Apothecary Henry Wimmer and the dog Zib, of the - Richmond; Master Shipwright McGee, Capt. Miller, captain of the yard, and - Mr. Milligan, apothecary of the Atlanta, deserve honorable mention for - coolness and heroic endurance while I was there. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0014" id="link2H_4_0014"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - MORE ABOUT WASHINGTON - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">W</span>ASHINGTON, D.C. I - Have just returned from a polite and recherche party here. - </p> - <p> - Washington is the hot-bed of gayety, and general headquarters for the - recherche business. It would be hard to find a bontonger aggregation than - the one I was just at, to use the words of a gentleman who was there, and - who asked me if I wrote "The Heathen Chinee." - </p> - <p> - He was a very talented man, with a broad sweep of skull and a vague - yearning for something more tangible—to drink. He was in Washington, - he said, in the interests of Mingo county. I forgot to ask him where Mingo - county might be. He took a great interest in me, and talked with me long - after he really had anything to say. He was one of those fluent - conversationalists frequently met with in society. He used one of these - web-perfecting talkers—the kind that can be fed with raw Roman punch - and that will turn out punctuated talk in links, like varnished sausages. - Being a poor talker myself and rather more fluent as a listener, I did not - interrupt him. - </p> - <p> - He said that he was sorry to notice how young girls and their parents came - to Washington as they would to a matrimonial market. - </p> - <p> - I was sorry also to hear it. It pained me to know that young ladies should - allow themselves to be bamboozled into matrimony. Why was it, I asked, - that matrimony should ever single out the young and fair? - </p> - <p> - "Ah," said he, "it is indeed rough!" - </p> - <p> - He then breathed a sigh that shook the foliage of the speckled geranium - near by, and killed an artificial caterpillar that hung on its branches. - </p> - <p> - "Matrimony is all right," said he, "if properly brought about. It breaks - my heart, though, to notice how Washington is used as a matrimonial - market. It seems to me almost as if these here young ladies were brought - here like slaves and exposed for sale." I had noticed that they were - somewhat exposed, but I did not know that they were for sale. - </p> - <p> - I asked him if the waists of party dresses had always been so sadly in the - minority, and he said they had. - </p> - <p> - I danced with a beautiful young lady whose trail had evidently caught in a - doorway. She hadn't noticed it till she had walked out partially through - her costume. I do not think a lady ought to give too much thought to her - apparel, neither should she feel too much above her clothes. I say this in - the kindest spirit, because I believe that man should be a friend to - woman. No family circle is complete without a woman. She is like a glad - landscape to the weary eye. Individually and collectively, woman is a - great adjunct of civilization and progress. The electric light is a good - thing, but how pale and feeble it looks by the light of a good woman's - eyes. The telephone is a great invention. It is a good thing to talk at - and murmur into and deposit profanity in, but to take up a conversation - and keep it up and follow a man out through the front door with it, the - telephone has still much to learn from woman. - </p> - <p> - It is said that our government officials are not sufficiently paid, and I - presume that is the case, so it became necessary to economize in every - way, but, why should wives concentrate all their economy on the waist of a - dress? When chest protectors are so cheap as they now are, I hate to see - people suffer, and there is more real suffering, more privation and more - destitution, pervading the Washington scapula and clavicle this winter - than I ever saw before. - </p> - <p> - But I do not hope to change this custom, though I spoke to several ladies - about it, and asked them to think it over. I do not think they will. It - seems almost wicked to cut off the best part of a dress and put it at the - other end of the skirt, to be trodden under feet of men, as I may say. - They smiled good humoredly at me as I tried to impress my views upon them, - but should I go there again next season and mingle in the mad whirl of - Washington, where these fair women are also mingling in said mad whirl, I - presume that I will find them clothed in the same gaslight waist, with - trimmings of real vertebrę down the back. - </p> - <p> - Still, what does a man know about the proper costume for woman? He knows - nothing whatever. He is in many ways a little inconsistent. Why does a man - frown on a certain costume for his wife and admire it on the first woman - he meets? Why does he fight shy of religion and Christianity and talk very - freely about the church, but get mad if his wife is an infidel? - </p> - <p> - Crops around Washington are looking well. Winter wheat, crocusses and - indefinite postponements were never in a more thrifty condition. Quite a - number of people are here who are waiting to be confirmed. Judging from - their habits, they are lingering around here in order to become confirmed - drunkards. - </p> - <p> - I leave here to-morrow with a large, wet towel in my plug hat. Perhaps I - should have said nothing on this dress reform question while my hat is - fitting me so immediately. It is seldom that I step aside from the beaten - path of rectitude, but last evening, on the way home, it seemed to me that - I didn't do much else but step aside. At these parties no charge is made - for punch. It is perfectly free. I asked a colored man who stood near the - punch bowl, and who replenished it ever and anon, what the damage was, and - he drew himself up to his full height. - </p> - <p> - Possibly I did wrong, but I hate to be a burden on any one. It seemed odd - to me to go to a first-class dance and find the supper and the band and - the rum all paid for. It must cost a good deal of money to run this - government. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0015" id="link2H_4_0015"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - A GREAT BENEFACTOR - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>T WAS not - generally known at the time, but about a year ago a gentleman from - Jays-burg, named Alanson G-. Meltz, opened a law office in Chicago, - intending to give that city a style of clear-cut counseling, soliciting, - conveyancing, prosecuting and defending, such as she had never witnessed - before. He was young, but he was full of confidence, and as he pulled the - nails out of the dry goods boxes, in which he had brought his revised - statutes and replevin appliances, he felt ready and willing to furnish - advice at living rates to all who would come and examine his stock. - </p> - <p> - But time kept on in his remorseless flight, bringing in at the casement of - Mr. Meltz the roar and hum of traffic, and the nut-brown flavor of the - Chicago river, but that was all. He was there, ready and almost eager to - advise one and all, but one and all, without exception, evaded him. No - matter how gayly he lettered his window with the announcement that he - would procure a divorce for any one without pain, married people continued - to suffer on or go elsewhere. Even though he had put up a transparency: - </p> - <h3> - DIVORCES PREPARED - </h3> - <h3> - WHILE YOU WAIT! - </h3> - <p> - No one called at his office, No. 61 Water street, to get one. Day after - day innumerable people went by him in the mad rush and hurry of life, - married but not mated, forgetting that Mr. Meltz could relieve them - without publicity. - </p> - <p> - Remorseless time had rolled on in this way for three months, now and then - picking out a fragment of the cornice on the new court-house and braining - a pedestrian with it, when one day Mr. Meltz was solicited by the - proprietor of a new remedy for indigestion and brain-fever to try his - medicine. He also told Mr. Meltz that in case of cure or beneficial - effects he desired to use his endorsement, and as the remedy was new he - proposed to issue an edition of 1,000,000 circulars containing the - endorsement of prominent professional people of Chicago. - </p> - <p> - Alanson G. Meltz bought a bottle and began using it. In three weeks the - following endorsement entered over a million and a half families in the - United States at the expense of the man who owned the remedy: - </p> - <p> - Chicago, Dec. 13, 1883. - </p> - <p> - Dr. J. Burdock Wells.— - </p> - <p> - Sir: I am a lawyer of this city, and for the past year have been seriously - and dangerously afflicted with sharp, darting pains up and down the spinal - column, dimness of sight, acidity of the tonsils and in-growing spleen. I - suffered the agonies of the d———d. - </p> - <p> - I take this method of informing the world, especially those who may be - suffering as I did, that less than a month ago I was in a pitiful state. I - have a large practice, especially as an attorney, in procuring noiseless - divorces. My office is at No. 6 5/8 South Water Street, and for years I - have been engaged in this line, procuring divorces for thousands - everywhere, orders filled by mail, etc., by a new system of my own, by - which applicants throughout the union may be treated at a distance as well - as in my office. - </p> - <p> - This had so taken up my time and engrossed my attention that, before I - knew it, my health had become impaired materially, and I did not know at - any time but that the next succeeding moment might be my subsequent one. - With clients calling on me and pressing me by mail for their services, - with persistent people hurrying and urging me for divorces, so that they - could marry some one else without unnecessary delay, I was stricken down - with ingrowing spleen and gastric yearning of the most violent character. - My physicians gave me up. They said I could never recover. I was in - despair. - </p> - <p> - At that moment, like a clap of thunder from a clear sky, came Dr. J. - Burdock Wells, with a bottle of his unerring Bile Renovator and Gastric - Rectifier. I took one bottle and called for another. In a little while I - began to hope. - </p> - <p> - When I arose in the morning my mouth did not taste like that of a total - stranger any more. In one week my eye had recovered its old brilliancy, - and in ten days I was back in my office again at No. 6 5/8 South Water - Street, rapidly catching up with my large business and answering all calls - made upon me from all quarters. I have not only regained my health, but I - have been the humble means, since my recovery, of bringing peace to many - an aching heart. One man from Kansas writes me: "Your recovery was indeed - a great boon to me. You have saved my life. Whenever I want a divorce - again I shall surely go to you. God bless you and prolong your life for - many years that you may go on spreading joy and hope again throughout our - broad land, furnishing your automatic and delightful divorces to those who - suffer." I can most heartily endorse Dr. J. Burdock Wells' remedy and - would cheerfully recommend it to those who have tried everything else - without success. I would be glad to have any or all who suffer call at my - office, No. 6 5/8 South Water street, if they doubt my recovery, when they - will find me removing superfluous husbands or wives absolutely without - pain. - </p> - <p> - Alanson G. Meltz. - </p> - <p> - Attorney and counselor-at-law, solicitor in chancery. - </p> - <p> - Practices in all the courts. Divorces sent C. O. D. at a moment's notice. - Try our home treatment for divorce. - </p> - <p> - A man who visited Mr. Meltz' office last week says that his business is - simply enormous, and that he has added to his former office the gorgeous - room at No. 7 1/8 People are now coming from all quarters of the globe to - get Mr. Meltz to administer his divorces to them. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0016" id="link2H_4_0016"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE COUPON LETTER OF INTRODUCTION - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE interchange of - letters of introduction between old friends, by which valuable - acquaintances are added to the list, is a great blessing, and in good - hands these letters have, no doubt, been the beginning of many a warm - friendship; but, like all other blessings, it has been greatly abused. I - have been the recipient of letters, presented by tourists, which, it was - easy to see, had been wrung from some sandbagged friend of mine—letters - with sobs between the lines, letters punctuated with invisible signals, - calling upon me to remember that the bearer had looked over the writer's - shoulder as each sentence grew into a polite prevarication. - </p> - <p> - To those who are in the habit of giving hearty letters of introduction and - endorsement to casual acquaintances, I desire to say that I am perfecting - a system by which the drugged and kidnapped writer of a style of assumed - sincerity and bogus hilarity will be thoroughly protected. - </p> - <p> - Let me explain briefly and then illustrate my method. - </p> - <p> - A casual acquaintance, who has met you, say four or five times, and who - feels thoroughly intimate with you, calling you by the name that no one - uses but your wife, approaches you with an air of confidence that betrays - his utter ignorance of himself, and asks for a letter of introduction (in - the same serious vein in which one asks for a match). You are already - provided with my numbered Introductory Letter Pad. You write the letter of - introduction on a sheet numbered to correspond with a letter of advice - mailed simultaneously to the person who is to submit to the letter of - introduction. - </p> - <p> - For instance, a young man, inclined to be fresh, enters your office or - library and states that he is going abroad. He has learned that you are - intimate with Dom Pedro, of Brazil. Perhaps you have conveyed that idea - unintentionally while in the young man's presence at some time. So now he - asks the trifling favor of a letter of introduction to the Emperor. He is - going to see the President and Cabinet and the members of the Supreme - Court before he leaves this country, and when he goes to South America he - naturally wants to meet Dom Pedro. - </p> - <p> - So you fill out the right-hand end or coupon of the sheet as follows: - </p> - <p> - [International Introductory Letter System, Form Z 23.] - </p> - <p> - No. B 135,986. - </p> - <p> - New York, Dec. 25,1886. - </p> - <p> - Sir: You will please honor this letter of introduction in accordance with - the terms of a certain letter of advice numbered as above, and bearing - even date herewith, mailed to you this day, and oblige, Yours, etc., - </p> - <p> - A. B. - </p> - <p> - The young man goes abroad with this letter inclosed in a maroon - alligator-skin pocket-book, and when he arrives in Brazil he finds that - the way has been paved for him by the following letter of advice: - </p> - <p> - [International Introductory Letter System, Form Z 23,] New York, Dec. 25, - 1886. - </p> - <p> - No. B 135,986. - </p> - <p> - Sir: Mr. W———, a young man with great assurance and a - maroon-colored alligator-skin pocket-book, bearing a letter of - introduction to you numbered as above, is now at large. He will visit - Europe for a few weeks, after which he will tour about South America. He - will make a specialty of volcanoes and monarchs. - </p> - <p> - He will offer to exchange photographs with you, but you must use your own - judgment about complying with this request. Do not allow this letter to - influence you in the matter. - </p> - <p> - You will readily recognize him by the wonderful confidence which he has in - himself, and which is not shared by those who know him here. - </p> - <p> - He is a fluent conversationalist, and can talk for hours without fatigue - to himself. - </p> - <p> - You will find it very difficult to wound his feelings, but there would be - no harm in trying. - </p> - <p> - Should you get this letter in time, you might do as you thought best in - the matter of quarantine. Some foreign powers are doing that way. - </p> - <p> - Mr. W———has met a great many prominent people in this - country. What this country needs is more free trade on the high seas and - better protection for its prominent people. - </p> - <p> - I have tried to be conservative in what I have said here, and if I have - given you a better opinion of the young man than his conduct on fuller - acquaintance will warrant, I assure you that I have not done so - intentionally. - </p> - <p> - You will notice at once that he is a self-made man, so your admiration for - the works of nature need not be in any way diminished. With due respect, - your most obedient servant, - </p> - <p> - A. B. - </p> - <p> - To his Imperial Highness D. Pedro, Esq., - </p> - <p> - Brazil, S. A. - </p> - <p> - No. Z 30,805. - </p> - <p> - Sir: This letter of advice will probably precede a tall youth named - Brindley. Mr. Brindley is a young man who, by a strange combination of - circumstances, is the eldest son of a perfect gentleman, who now has, and - will ever continue to have, my highest esteem and my promissory note for - $250. - </p> - <p> - Will you kindly bear this in mind while you peruse my pleading letter of - introduction, which will accompany Mr. Brindley, Jr.? - </p> - <p> - All through his stormy and tempestuous career in the capacity of son to - his father, he has never done anything that the grand jury could get hold - of. Treat him as well as you can consistently, and if you can get him a - position in a bank, I am sure his father would appreciate it. A place in a - bank, where he would not have anything to do but look pretty and declare - dividends in a shrill falsetto voice, would please him very much. He is a - very good declaimer. He is not accustomed to manual toil, but he has - always yearned to do literary work. If he could do the editorial work - connected with the sight-draft department, or write humorous indorsements - on the backs of checks, over a <i>nom deplume</i>, it would tickle the boy - almost to death. Anything you could do toward getting him a position in a - large bank that is nailed down securely, would be thoroughly appreciated - by me, and I should be glad to retaliate at any time. - </p> - <p> - Yours candidly, - </p> - <p> - Wyman Dayton. - </p> - <p> - To Mr. K. O. Peck, London. - </p> - <p> - A beautiful feature of this invaluable system is the understanding to - which everybody is committed, that the original letter is entirely - worthless on its presentation unless the letter of advice has been already - received. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0017" id="link2H_4_0017"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - HOW TO TEACH JOURNALISM - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> AM GLAD to know - Cornell University is to I establish a department of journalism next - September. I have always claimed that journalism could be taught in - universities and colleges just as successfully as any other athletic - exercise. Of course you cannot teach a boy how to jerk a giant journal - from the clutches of decay and make of it a robust and rip snorting shaper - and trimmer of public opinion, in whose counting-room people will walk all - over each other in their mad efforts to insert advertisements. You cannot - teach this in a school any more than you can teach a boy how to discover - the open Polar Sea, but you can teach him the rudiments and save him a - good deal of time experimenting with himself. - </p> - <p> - Boys spend small fortunes and the best years of their lives learning the - simplest truths in relation to journalism. We grope on blindly, learning - this year perhaps how to distinguish an italic shooting-stick when we see - it, or how to eradicate type lice from a standing galley, learning next - year how to sustain life on an annual pass and a sample early-rose potato - weighing four pounds and measuring eleven inches in circumference. This is - a slow and tedious way to obtain journalistic training. If this can be - avoided or abbreviated it will be a great boon. - </p> - <p> - As I understand it, the department in Cornell University will not deal so - much with actual newspaper experience as it will with construction and - style in writing. This is certainly a good move, for we must admit that we - can improve very greatly our style and the purity of our English. For - instance, I select an exchange at random, and on the telegraphic page I - find the details of a horrible crime. It seems that an old lady, who lived - by herself almost, and who had amassed between $16 and $17, was awakened - by an assassin, dragged from her bed and cruelly murdered. The large - telegraph headline reads: "Drug from her bed and murdered!" This is - incorrect in orthography, syntax and prosody, bad in form and inelegant in - style. Carefully parsing the word drug as it appears here, I find that it - does not agree with anything in number, gender or person. I do not like to - criticise the style of others when I know that my own is so faulty, but I - am sure that the word drug should not be used in this way. - </p> - <p> - Take the following, also, from the Kansas correspondence of the - Statesville (N.C.) <i>Landmark</i>: - </p> - <p> - "There were several bad accidents in and around Clear Water during my - absence from home. The saddest one was the shooting of one Peter Peterson - by his father. They were out rabbit-hunting in the snow. A rabbit got up - and started to run. The son was in a swag of a place and the father was - taking aim at the rabbit. The son at the same time was trying to get a - shot at it and, not knowing that his father was shooting, ran between the - rabbit and his father and was killed dead, falling on the snow with his - gun grasped in his hands and never moved. He still carried that pleasant - smile which he had on, in expectation of shooting that jack rabbit, when - put in the grave. Wheat is selling at about 60 cents; corn, 40 to 50 - cents; fat hogs, gross, 44 to 41; fat steers, 41; butcher's stock, 2 - cents." - </p> - <p> - It is hard to say just exactly wherein this is faulty, but something is - the matter with it. I would like to get an expression of opinion from - those who take an interest in such things, as to whether the fault is in - orthoepy, orthography, anatomy, obituary or price current, or whether it - consists in writing several features too closely in the same paragraph. - </p> - <p> - It would also be a good idea to establish a chair for advertisers in some - practical college, in order that they might run in for a few hours and - learn how to write an advertisement so that it would express in the most - direct way what they desired to state. Here is an advertisement, for - instance, which is given exactly as written and punctuated: - </p> - <p> - Mrs. Dr. Edwards, - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0018" id="link2H_4_0018"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE GREAT WESTERN CLAIRVOYANT, - </h2> - <p> - Has arrived, and-will remain only a short time. Call at once at HOTEL - WINDSOR, 119, 121 and 123 East State street, Room 19, third floor. Please - take elevator. - </p> - <p> - The greatest and most natural born, and highly celebrated, and well-known - all over the country, Clairvoyant, now traveling on the road, and Wonder - from the Pacific coast. - </p> - <p> - Seventh Daughter of the Seventh Daughter; born with veil and second sight; - every mystery revealed; if one you love is true or false; removes trouble; - settles lovers' quarrels; causes a speedy marriage with one you Jove; - valuable information to gentlemen on all business transactions; how to - make profitable investments for speedy riches; lucky numbers; Egyptian - talisman for the un lucky; cures mysterious and chronic diseases. All who - are sick or in trouble from any cause are invited to call without delay. - </p> - <p> - I have always claimed that clairvoyance could be made a success if we - could find some one who was sufficiently natural born to grapple with it. - Now, Mrs. Edwards seems to know what is required. She was born utterly - without affectation. When she was born she just seemed to say to those who - happened to be present at the time, "Fellow citizens, you will have to - take me just as you find me. I cannot dissemble or appear to be otherwise - than what I am. I am the most natural born and highly celebrated all over - the country clairvoyant now traveling on the road, and Wonder from the - Pacific coast." She then let off a whoop that ripped open the sable robes - of night, after which she took a light lunch and retired to her - dressing-room. - </p> - <p> - Ex-Mayor Henry C. Robinson, of Hartford, Conn., if I am not mistaken, - suggested a school of journalism at least twelve years ago, but it did not - meet with immediate and practical indorsement. Now Cornell comes forward - and seems to be in earnest, and I am glad of it. The letters received from - day to day by editors, and written to them by men engaged in other - pursuits, practically admit and prove that there is not now in existence - an editor who knows enough to carry liver to a bear. - </p> - <p> - That is the reason why every means should be used to pull this profession - out of the mire of dense ignorance and place it upon the high, dry soil - which leads to genius and consanguinity. - </p> - <p> - The above paragraph I quote from a treatise on journalism which I wrote - just before I knew anything about it. - </p> - <p> - The life of the journalist is a hard one, and, although it is not so - trying as the life of the newspaper man, it is full of trials and - perplexities. If newspaper men and journalists did not stand by each other - I do not know what joy they would have. Kindness for each other, - gentleness and generosity, even in their rivalry, characterize the conduct - of a large number of them. - </p> - <p> - I shall never forget my first opportunity to do a kind act for a fellow - newspaper man, nor with what pleasure I availed myself of it, though he - was my rival, especially in the publication of large and spirited - equestrian handbills and posters. He also printed a rival paper and - assailed me most bitterly from time to time. His name was Lorenzo Dow - Pease, and we had carried on an acrimonious warfare for two years. He had - said that I was a reformed Prohibitionist and that I had left a neglected - wife in every State in the Union. I had stated that he would give better - satisfaction if he would wear his brains breaded. Then he had said - something else that was personal and it had gone on so for some time. We - devoted fifteen minutes each day to the management of our respective - papers, and the balance of the day to doing each other up in a way to - please our subscribers. - </p> - <p> - One evening Lorenzo Dow Pease came into my office and said he wanted to - see me personally. I said that would suit me exactly and that if he had - asked to see me in any other way I did not know how I could have arranged - it. He said he meant that he would like to see me by myself. I therefore - discharged the force, turned out the dog and we had the office to - ourselves. I could see that he was in trouble, for every little while he - would brush away a tear in an underhanded kind of way and swallow a large, - imaginary mass of something. I asked Lorenzo why he felt so depressed, and - he said: "William, I have came here for a favor." He always said "I have - came," for he was a self-made man and hadn't done a very good job either. - "I have came here for a favor. I wrote a reply to your venomous attack of - to-day and I expected to publish it to-morrow in my paper, but, to tell - you the truth, we are out of paper. At least, we have a few bundles at the - freight office, but they have taken to sending it C. O. D., and I haven't - the means just at hand to take it out. Now, as a brother in the great and - glorious order of journalism, would it be too much for you to loan me a - couple of bundles of paper to do me till I get my pay for some equestrian - bills struck off Friday and just as good as the wheat?" - </p> - <p> - "How long would a couple of bundles last you?" I asked as I looked out at - the window and wondered if he would reveal his circulation. - </p> - <p> - "Five issues and a little over," he said, filling his pipe from a small - box on the desk. - </p> - <p> - "But you could cut off your exchanges and then it would last longer," I - remarked. - </p> - <p> - "Yes, but only for one additional issue. I am very anxious to appear - to-morrow, because my subscribers will be looking for a reply to what you - said about me this morning. You stated that I was 'a journalistic bacteria - looking for something to infect,' and while I did not come here to get you - to retract, I would like it as a favor if you would loan me enough white - paper to set myself straight before my subscribers." - </p> - <p> - "Well, why don't you go and tell them about it? It wouldn't take long," I - said in a jocund way, slapping Lorenzo on the back. But he did not laugh. - I then told him that we only had paper enough to last us till our next - bill came, and so I could not possibly loan any, but that if he would - write a caustic reply to my editorial I would print it for him. He caught - me in his arms and then for a moment his head was pillowed on my breast. - Then he sat down and wrote the following card: - </p> - <p> - Editor of the Boomerang: - </p> - <p> - Will you allow me through your columns to state that in your issue of - yesterday you did me a great injustice by referring to me as a - journalistic bacteria looking for something to infect; also, as a lop - eared germ of contagion, and warning people to vaccinate in order to - prevent my spread? I denounce the whole article as a malicious falsehood, - and state that if you will only give me a chance I will fight you on - sight. All I ask is that you will wait till I can overtake you, and I am - able and willing to knock great chunks off the universe with you. I do not - ask any favors of an editor who misleads his subscribers and intentionally - misunderstands his correspondents; a man who advises an anxious inquirer - who wants to know "how to get a cheap baby buggy" to leave the child at a - cheap hotel; a man who assumes to wear brains, but who really thinks with - a fungus growth; a man the bleak and barren exterior of whose head is only - equalled by its bald and echoing interior. - </p> - <p> - Lorenzo Dow Pease. - </p> - <p> - I looked it over, and as there didn't seem to be anything personal in it, - I told him I would print it for him with pleasure. He then asked that I - would, as a further favor, refrain from putting any advertising marks on - it and that I would make it follow pure reading matter, which I did. I - leaded the card and printed it with a simple word of introduction, in - which I said that I took pleasure in printing it, inasmuch as Mr. Pease - could not get his paper out of the express office for a few days. It was a - kindness to him and did not hurt my paper in the end. - </p> - <p> - There are many reasons why the establishment of a department of journalism - at Cornell will be a good move, and I believe that while it will not take - the place of actual experience, it will serve to shorten the - apprenticeship of a young newspaper man and the fatigue of starting the - amateur in journalism will be divided between the managing editor and the - tutor. It will also give the aspiring sons of wealthy parents a chance to - toy with journalism without interfering with those who are actually - engaged in it. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0019" id="link2H_4_0019"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - HIS GARDEN - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> ALWAYS enjoy a - vegetable garden, and through the winter I look forward to the spring days - when I will take my cob pipe and hoe and go joyously afield. I like to toy - with the moist earth and the common squash bug of the work-a-day world. It - is a pleasure also to irrigate the garden, watering the sauer kraut plant - and the timid tomato vine as though they were children asking for a drink. - I am never happier than when I am engaged in irrigating my tropical garden - or climbing my neighbor with a hoe when he shuts off my water supply by - sticking an old pair of pantaloons in the canal that leads to my squash - conservatory. - </p> - <p> - One day a man shut off my irrigation that way and dammed the water up to - such a degree that I shut off his air supply, and I was about to say - dammed him up also. We had quite a scuffle. Up to that time we had never - exchanged a harsh word. That morning I noticed that my early climbing - horse-radish and my dwarf army worms were looking a little au revoir, and - I wondered what was the matter. I had been absent several days and was - grieved to notice that my garden had a kind of blase air, as though it - needed rest and change of scene. - </p> - <p> - The Poland China egg-plant looked up sadly at me and seemed to say: - "Pardner, don't you think it's a long time between drinks?" The watermelon - seemed to have a dark brown taste in its mouth, and there was an air of - gloom all over the garden. - </p> - <p> - At that moment I discovered my next-door neighbor at the ditch on the - corner. He was singing softly to himself: - </p> - <p> - O, yes, I'll meet you; - </p> - <p> - I'll meet you when the sun goes down. - </p> - <p> - He was also jamming an old pair of Rembrandt pants into the canal, where - they would shut off my supply. He stood with his back towards me, and just - as he said he would "meet me when the sun went down," I smote him across - the back of the neck with my hoe handle, and before he could recover from - the first dumb surprise and wonder, I pulled the dripping pantaloons out - of the ditch and tied them in a true-lover's knot around his neck. He - began to look black in the face, and his struggles soon ceased altogether. - At that moment his wife came out and shrieked two pure womanly shrieks, - and hissed in my ear: "You have killed me husband!" - </p> - <p> - I said, possibly I had. If so, would she please send in the bill and I - would adjust it at an early day. I said this in a bantering tone of voice, - and raising my hat to her in that polished way of mine, started to go, - when something fell with a thud on the greensward! - </p> - <p> - It was the author of these lines. I did not know till two days afterward - that my neighbor's wife wore a moire antique rolling-pin under her apron - that morning. I did not suspect it till it was too late. The affair was - kind of hushed up on account of the respectability of the parties. - </p> - <p> - By the time I had recovered the garden seemed to melt away into thin air. - My neighbor had it all his own way, and while his proud hollyhocks and - Johnny-jump-ups reared their heads to drink the mountain water at the - twilight hour, my little, low-necked, summer squashes curled up and died. - </p> - <p> - Most every year yet I made a garden. I pay a man $3 to plow it. Then I pay - $7.50 for garden seeds and in July I hire the same man at $3 to - summer-fallow the whole thing while I go and buy my vegetables of a - Chinaman named Wun Lung. I've done this now for eight years, and I owe my - robust health and rich olive complexion to the fact that I've got a garden - and do just as little in it as possible. Parties desiring a dozen or more - of my Shanghai egg-plants to set under an ordinary domestic hen can - procure the same by writing to me and enclosing lock of hair and $10. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0020" id="link2H_4_0020"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - WRITTEN TO THE BOY - </h2> - <p> - Asheville, N. C., Feb. 10,1887. - </p> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">M</span>Y DEAR HENRY: Your - last issue of the <i>Retina</i>, your new thought vehicle, published at - New Belony, this state, was received yesterday. I like this number, I - think, better than I did the first. While the news in it seems fresher, - the editorial assertions are not so fresh. You do not state that you "have - come to stay" this week, but I infer that you occupy the same position you - did last week with inference to that. - </p> - <p> - I was more especially interested in your piece about how to rear children - and the care of parents. I read it to your mother last night while she was - setting her bread. Nothing tickles me very often at my time of life, and - when I laugh a loud peal of laughter at anything nowadays it's got to be a - pretty blamed good thing, I can tell you that. But your piece about - bringing up children made me laugh real hard. I enjoy a piece like that - from the pen of a juicy young brain like yours. It almost made me young - again to read the words of my journalistic gosling son. - </p> - <p> - You also say that "teething is the most trying time for parents." Do you - mean that parents are more fretful when they are teething than any other - time? Your mother and me reckoned that you must mean that. If so, it shows - your great research. How a mere child hardly out of knee-panties, a young - shoot like you, who was never a parent for a moment in his life, can enter - into and understand the woes that beset parents is more than I can - understand. If you had been through what I have while teething I could see - how you might understand and write about it, but at present I do not see - through it. The first teeth I cut as a parent made me very restless. I was - sick two years ago with a new disease that was just out and the doctor - gave me something for it that made my teeth fall like the leaves of - autumn. In six weeks after I began to convalesce my mouth was perfectly - bald-headed. For days I didn't bite into a Ben Davis apple that I didn't - leave a fang into it. - </p> - <p> - Well, after that I saw an advertisement in the <i>Rural Rustler</i>—a - paper I used to take then—of a place where you could get a set of - teeth for $6. - </p> - <p> - I didn't want to buy a high-priced and gaudy set of teeth at the tail end - of such a life as I had led, and I knew that teeth, no matter how - expensive they might be, would be of little avail to coming generations, - so I went over to the place named in the paper and got an impression of my - mouth taken. - </p> - <p> - There is really nothing in this life that will take the stiff-necked pride - out of a man like viewing a plaster cast of his tottering mouth. The - dentist fed me with a large ladle full of putty or plaster of paris, I - reckon, and told me to hold it in my mouth till it set. - </p> - <p> - I don't remember a time in all my life when the earth and transitory - things ever looked so undesirable and so trifling as they did while I sat - there in that big red barber-chair with my mouth full of cold putty. I - felt just as a man might when he is being taxidermied. - </p> - <p> - After awhile the dentist took out the cast. It was a cloudy day and so it - didn't look much like me after all. If it had I would have sent you one. - After I'd set again two or three times, we got a pretty fair likeness, he - said, and I went home, having paid $6 and left my address. - </p> - <p> - Three weeks after that a small boy came with my new teeth. - </p> - <p> - They were nice, white, shiny teeth, and did not look very ghastly after I - had become used to them. I wished at first that the gums had been a duller - red and that the teeth had not looked so new. I put them in my mouth, but - they felt cold and distant. I took them out and warmed them in the - sunlight. People going by no doubt thought that I did it to show that I - was able to have new teeth, but that was not the case. - </p> - <p> - I wore them all that forenoon while I butchered. There were times during - the forenoon when I wanted to take them out, but when a man is butchering - he hates to take his teeth out just because they hurt. - </p> - <p> - Neighbors told me that after my mouth got hardened on the inside it would - feel better. - </p> - <p> - But, oh, how it relieved me at night to take those teeth out and put them - on the top of a cool bureau, where the wind could blow through their - whiskers! How I hated to resume them in the morning and start in on - another long day, when the roof of my mouth felt like a big, red bunion - and my gums like a pale red stone-bruise. - </p> - <p> - A year ago, Henry, about two-thirty in the afternoon I think it was, I - left that set of teeth in the rare flank of a barbecue I was to in our - town. - </p> - <p> - Since then I have not been so pretty, perhaps, but I have no more unicorns - on the rafters of my mouth and my note is just as good at thirty days as - ever it was. - </p> - <p> - You are right, Henry, when you go on to state in your paper that teething - is the most trying time for parents. - </p> - <p> - Ta, ta, as the feller says. - </p> - <p> - Your father. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0021" id="link2H_4_0021"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS - </h2> - <p> - George E. Beath, Areola, Ill.,-writes to know "the value of a silver - dollar of 1878 with eight feathers in the eagle's tail." - </p> - <p> - It is worth what you can get for it, Mr. Beath. Perhaps the better way - would be to forward it to me and I will do the best I can with it. There - being but eight feathers in the eagle's tail would be no drawback. Send it - to me at once and I will work it off for you, Mr. Beath. - </p> - <p> - "Tutor," Tucson, Ariz., asks "What do you regard as the best method of - teaching the alphabet to children?" - </p> - <p> - Very likely my method would hardly receive your indorsement, but with my - own children I succeed by using an alphabet with the names attached, which - I give below. I find that by connecting the alphabet with certain easy and - interesting subjects the child rapidly acquires knowledge of the letter, - and it becomes firmly fixed in the mind. I use the following list of - alphabetical names in the order given below: - </p> - <p> - A is for Antediluvian, Anarchistic and Agamemnon. - </p> - <p> - B is for Bucephalus, Burgundy and Bull-head. C is for Cantharides, - Confucius and Casabianca. D is for Deuteronomy, Delphi and Dishabille. - </p> - <p> - E is for Euripedes, European and Effervescent. F is for Fumigate, - Farinaceous and Fundamental. - </p> - <p> - G is for Garrulous, Gastric and Gangrene. - </p> - <p> - H is for Hamestrap, Honeysuckle and Hoyle. - </p> - <p> - I is for Idiosyncrasy, Idiomatic and Iodine. - </p> - <p> - J is for Jaundice, Jamaica and Jeu-d'esprit. - </p> - <p> - K is for Kandilphi, Kindergarten and KuKlux. L is for Lop-sided, Lazarus - and Llano Estacado. M is for Menengitis, Mardi Gras and Mesopotamia. - </p> - <p> - N is for Narragansett, Neapolitan and Nix-comarous. - </p> - <p> - Q is for Oleander, Oleaginous and Oleomargarine. - </p> - <p> - P is for Phlebotomy, Phthisic and Parabola. - </p> - <p> - Q is for Query, Quasi and Quits. - </p> - <p> - R is for Rejuvenate, Regina and Requiescat. - </p> - <p> - S is for Simultaneous, Sigauche and Saleratus. - </p> - <p> - T is for Tubercular, Themistocles and Thereabouts. - </p> - <p> - U is for Ultramarine, Uninitiated and Utopian. - </p> - <p> - V is for Voluminous, Voltaire and Vivisection. W is for Witherspoon, - Woodcraft and Washerwoman. - </p> - <p> - X is for Xenophon, Xerxes and Xmas. - </p> - <p> - Y is for Ysdle, Yahoo and Yellowjacket. - </p> - <p> - Z is for Zoological, Zanzibar and Zacatecas. - </p> - <p> - In this way the eye of the child is first appealed to. He becomes familiar - with the words which begin with a certain letter, and before he knows it - the letter itself has impressed itself upon his memory. - </p> - <p> - Sometimes, however, where my children were slow to remember a word and - hence its corresponding letter, I have drawn the object on a blackboard or - on the side of the barn. For instance, we will suppose that D is hard to - fix in the mind of the pupil and the words to which it belongs as an - initial do not readily cling to memory. I have only to draw upon the board - a Deuteronomy, a Delphi, or a Dishabille, and he will never forget it. No - matter how he may struggle to do so, it will still continue to haunt his - brain forever. The same with Z, which is a very difficult letter to - remember. I assist the memory by stimulating the eye, drawing rapidly, and - crudely perhaps, a Zoological, a Zanzibar or a Zacatecas. - </p> - <p> - The great difficulty in teaching children the letters is that there is - really nothing in the naked alphabet itself to win a child's love. We must - dress it in attractive colors and gaudy plumage so that he will be - involuntarily drawn to it. - </p> - <p> - Those who have used my method say that after mastering the alphabet, the - binomial theorum and the rule in Shelly's case seemed like child's play. - This goes to show what method and discipline will accomplish in the mind - of the young. - </p> - <p> - "Fond Mother," Braley's Fork, asks: "What shall I name my little girl - baby?" - </p> - <p> - That will depend upon yourself very largely, "Fond Mother." Very likely if - your little girl is very rugged and grows up to be the fat woman in a - museum, she will wear the name of Lily. When a girl is named Lily, she at - once manifests a strong desire to grow up with a complexion like Othello - and the same fatal yearning for some one to strangle. This is not always - thus, but girls are obstinate, and it is better not to put a name on a - girl baby that she will not live up to. - </p> - <p> - Again, "Fond Mother," let me urge you to refrain from naming your little - daughter a soft, flabby name like Irma, Geraldine, Bandoline, Lilelia, - Potassa, Valerian, Rosetta or Castoria. These names belong to the - inflammatory pages of the American novelette. Do not put such a name on - your innocent child. Imagine this inscription on a marble slab: - </p> - <h3> - TRIFOLIATA, - </h3> - <h3> - BELOVED DAUGHTER OF - </h3> - <h3> - GERALD AND VASELINE TUBBS, - </h3> - <h3> - DIED MARCH 27,1888. - </h3> - <h3> - SHE CAUGHT COLD IN HER FRONT NAME. - </h3> - <p> - I have seen a young lady try faithfully for years to live down one of - these flimsy, cheesecloth names, but the harsh world would not have it. A - good name is rather to be chosen than great riches, and while I can - imagine your little girl in future years as a white-haired and lovely - grandmother, wearing the name of Mary or Ruth, with a double chin that - seems to ever beckon the old gentleman to come and chuck his fat - forefinger under it, I cannot, in my mind's eye, see her as a household - deity, wearing a white cap and the name of Rosette or Penumbra, or - Sogodontia, or Catalpa, or Voxliumania. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0022" id="link2H_4_0022"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE FARMER AND THE TARIFF. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">O</span>N BOARD a western - train the other day I held in my bosom for over seventy-five miles the - elbow of a large man whose name I do not know. He was not a railroad hog - or I would have resented it. He was built wide and he couldn't help it, so - I forgave him. - </p> - <p> - He had a large, gentle, kindly eye, and when he desired to spit he went to - the car door, opened it and decorated the entire outside of the train, - forgetting that our speed would help to give scope to his remarks. - </p> - <p> - Naturally, as he sat there by my side, holding on tightly to his ticket - and evidently afraid the conductor would forget to come and get it, I - began to figure out in my mind what might be his business. He had pounded - one thumb so that the nail was black where the blood had settled under it. - This might happen to a shoemaker, a carpenter, a blacksmith, or almost any - one else. So it didn't help me out much, though it looked to me as though - it might have been done by trying to drive a fence-nail through a leather - hinge with the back of an ax, and nobody but a farmer would try to do - that. Following up the clew, I discovered that he had milk on his boots, - and then I knew I was right. The man who milks before daylight in a dark - barn when the thermometer is 28° below zero, and who hits his boots by - reason of the uncertain light and prudishness of the cow, is a marked man. - He cannot conceal the fact that he is a farmer unless he removes that - badge. So I started out on that theory, and remarked that this would pass - for a pretty hard winter on stock. The thought was not original with me, - for I have heard it expressed by others either in this country or Europe. - He said it would. - </p> - <p> - "My cattle has gone through a mowful o' hay sence October and eleven ton - o' brand. Hay don't seem to have the goodness to it thet it hed last year, - and with their new process griss mills they jerk all the juice out o' - brand, so's you might as well feed cows with excelsior and upholster your - horses with hemlock bark as to buy brand." - </p> - <p> - "Well, why do you run so much to stock? Why don't you try diversified - farming and rotation of crops?" - </p> - <p> - "Well, prob'ly you got that idee in the papers. A man that earns big wages - writing 'Farm Hints' for agricultural papers can make more money with a - soft lead-pencil and two or three season-cracked idees like that 'n I can - carrying of 'em out on the farm. We used to have a feller in the - drug-store in our town that wrote such good pieces for the <i>Rural - Vermonter</i>, and made up such a good condition powder out of his own - head that two years ago we asked him to write a nessay for the annual - meeting of the Buckwheat Trust, and to use his own judgment about choice - of subject. And what do you s'pose he had selected for a nessey that took - the whole forenoon to read?" - </p> - <p> - "What subject, you mean?" - </p> - <p> - "Yes." - </p> - <p> - "Give it up!" - </p> - <p> - "Well, he'd wrote out that whole blamed intellectual wad on the subject of - 'The Inhumanity of Dehorning Hydraulic Rams.' How's that?" - </p> - <p> - "That's pretty fair." - </p> - <p> - "Well, farmin' is like runnin' a paper in regard to some things. Every - feller in the world will take and turn in and tell you how to do it, even - if he don't know a blame thing about it. There ain't a man in the United - States to-day that don't secretly think he could run airy one if his other - business busted on him, whether he knows the difference between a new - milch cow or a horse hayrake or not. We had one of these embroidered - nightshirt farmers come from town better'n three years ago. Been a - toilet-soap man and done well, and so he came out and bought a farm that - had nothing to it but a fancy house and barn, a lot of medder in the front - yard, and a Southern aspect. The farm was no good. You couldn't raise a - disturbance on it. Well, what does he do? Goes and gits a passle of - slim-tailed yeller cows from New Jersey and aims to handle cream and - diversified farming. Last year the cuss sent a load of cream over and - tried to sell it at the new crematory while the funeral and hollercost was - goin' on. I may be a sort of a chump myself, but I read my paper and don't - get left like that." - </p> - <p> - "What are the prospects for farmers in your State?" - </p> - <p> - "Well, they are pore. Never was so pore, in fact, sence I've ben there. - Folks wonder why boys leaves the farm. My boys left so as to get - protected, they said, and so they went into a clothing store, one of 'em, - and one went into hardware, and one is talkin' protection in the - Legislature this winter. They said that farmin' was gettin' to be like - fishin' and huntin', well enough for a man that has means and leisure, but - they couldn't make a livin' at it, they said. Another boy is in a drug - store, and the man that hires him says he is a royal feller." - </p> - <p> - "Kind of a castor royal feller," I said, with a shriek of laughter. - </p> - <p> - He waited until I had laughed all I wanted to, and then he said: - </p> - <p> - "I've always hollered for high tariff in order to hyst the public debt, - but now that we've got the National debt coopered I wish they'd take a - little hack at mine. I've put in fifty years farmin'. I never drank licker - in any form. I've worked from ten to eighteen hours a day; been economical - in cloz and never went to a show more'n a dozen times in my life; raised a - family and learned upwards of two hundred calves to drink out of a tin - pail without blowing their vittles up my sleeve. My wife worked alongside - o' me sewin' new seats on the boys' pants, skim-min' milk, and even - helpin' me load hay. For forty years we toiled along together and hardly - got time to look into each other's faces or dared to stop and get - acquainted with each other. Then her health failed. Ketched cold in the - springhouse, prob'ly skimmin' milk, and wash-in' pans, and scaldin' pails, - and spankin' butter. Anyhow, she took in a long breath one day while the - doctor and me was watchin' her, and she says to me, 'Henry,' says she, - 'I've got a chance to rest,' and she put one tired, wore-out hand on top - of the other tired, wore-out hand, and I knew she'd gone where they don't - work all day and do chores all night. - </p> - <p> - "I took time to kiss her then. I'd been too busy for a good while previous - to do that, and then I called in the boys. After the funeral it was too - much for them to stay around and eat the kind of cookin' we had to put up - with, and nobody spoke up around the house as we used to. The boys quit - whistlin' around the barn, and talked kind of low to themselves about - goin' to town and getting a job. - </p> - <p> - "They're all gone now, and the snow is four feet deep up there on mother's - grave in the old berryin'-ground." - </p> - <p> - Then both of us looked out of the car-window quite a long while without - saying anything. - </p> - <p> - "I don't blame the boys for going into something else long's other things - pays better; but I say—and I say what I know—that the man who - holds the prosperity of this country in his hands, the man that actually - makes the money for other people to spend, the man that eats three good, - simple, square meals a day and goes to bed at 9 o'clock so that future - generations with good blood and cool brains can go from his farm to the - Senate and Congress and the White House—he is the man that gets left - at last to run his farm, with nobody to help him but a hired man and a - high protective tariff. The farms in our State is mortgaged for over - $700,000,000. Ten of our Western States—I see by the papers—has - got about three billion and a half mortgages on their farms, and that - don't count the chattel mortgages filed with the town clerks on farm - machinery, stock, waggins, and even crops, by gosh! that ain't two inches - high under the snow. That's what the prospect is for farms now. The - Government is rich, but the men that made it, the men that fought perarie - fires and perarie wolves and Injins and potato bugs and blizzards, and has - paid the war debt and pensions and everything else, and hollored for the - Union and the Republican party and high tariff and anything else that they - was told to, is left high and dry this cold winter with a mortgage of - seven billions and a half on the farms they have earned and saved a - thousand times over." - </p> - <p> - "Yes; but look at the glory of sending from the farm the future President, - the future Senator and the future member of Congress." - </p> - <p> - "That looks well on paper; but what does it really amount to? Soon as a - farmer boy gits in a place like that he forgets the soil that produced and - holds his head as high as a hollyhock. He bellers for protection to - everybody but the farmer, and while he sails round in a highty-tighty room - with a fire in it night and day, his father on the farm has to kindle his - own fire in the morning with elm slivers, and he has to wear his son's - lawn-tennis suit next to him or freeze to death, and he has to milk in an - old gray shawl that has held that member of Congress since he was a baby, - by gorry! and the old lady has to sojourn through the winter in the - flannels that Silas wor at the rigatter before he went to Congress. - </p> - <p> - "So I say, and I think that Congress agrees with me, Damn a farmer, - anyhow!" - </p> - <p> - He then went away. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0023" id="link2H_4_0023"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - A CONVENTIONAL SPEECH - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">D</span>URING the recent - conventions a great many good speeches have been made which did not get - into print for various reasons. Some others did not even get a hearing and - still others were prepared by delegates who could not get the eye of the - presiding officer. - </p> - <p> - The manuscript of the following speech bears the marks of earnest thought, - and though the author did not obtain recognition on the floor of the - convention I cannot bear to see an appreciative public deprived of it: - </p> - <p> - MR. Chairman and Gentlemen of the Convention: We are met together here as - a representation of the greatest and grandest party in the world—a - party that has been first in peace, first in war and first in the hearts - of its countrymen, as the good book has it. We come together here to-day, - Gentlemen, to perpetuate by our action the principles which won us victory - at the polls and wrenched it from an irritated and disagreeable foe on - many a tented field. I refer to freedom. - </p> - <p> - Our party has ever been the champion of freedom. We have made a specialty - of freedom. We have ever been in the van. That's why we have been on the - move. Where freedom a quarter of a century ago was but a mere name, now we - have fostered it and aided it and encouraged it and made it pay. - </p> - <p> - We have emancipated a whole race, several of whom have since voted the - other way. But we must not be discouraged. We are here to work. Let us do - it and so advance our common cause and honor God. - </p> - <p> - But who is to be the leader? Who will be able to carry our victorious - banner from Portland, Me., to Portland, Ore., gayly speaking pieces from - the tail-gate of a train? Who is sufficiently obscure to safely make the - race? (Cries of "Jeremiah M. Rusk," "Rudolph Minkins Pitler," "Blaine," - "James Swartout," "John Sherman," "Charlie Kinney," &c.) - </p> - <p> - The eye of the nation is upon us. We cannot escape the awful - responsibility which we have to-day assumed. With all our anxiety to - please our friends we must not forget that we are here in the interests of - universal freedom. Do not allow yourselves to be blinded, gentlemen, by - the assurance that this is to be a businessman's campaign, a campaign in - which conflicting business interests are to figure more than the late war. - It is a fight involving universal freedom, as I said in our conventions - four, eight and twelve years ago. - </p> - <p> - We have before us a pure and highly elocutionary platform. Let us nominate - a man who will, as I may say, affilliate and amalgamate with that - platform. Who is that man? (Cries of "Blaine, Blaine, James G. Blaine," - "Lockwood, Lockwood, Belva A. Lockwood," and general confusion, during - which John A. Wise is seen to jerk loose about a nickel's worth of Billy - Mahone's whiskers.) - </p> - <p> - Mr. Chairman and Gentlemen of the convention, there has never been a more - harmonious convention in the United States to my knowledge since the Sioux - massacre in Minnesota. We are all here for the best good of the party and - each is willing to concede something rather than create any ill-feeling. - Look at Mahone for instance. - </p> - <p> - We have a good platform, now let us nominate a man whose record is in - harmony with that platform. Freedom has ever been our watchword. Now that - we have made the human race within our borders absolutely free, let us add - to our magnificent history as a party by one crowning act. Let us fight - for the Emancipation of Rum! - </p> - <p> - Rum has always been a mighty power in American politics, but it has not - been absolutely free. Let us be the first to recognize it as the great - corner-stone of American institutions. Let us make it free. - </p> - <p> - We have never had any Daniel Websters or Henry Clays since rum went up - from 20 cents a gallon to its present price. The war tax on whiskey for - over twenty years has made freedom a farce and liberty a loud and empty - snort in mid-air. 'Who, then, shall be our standard-bearer as we journey - onward towards victory? (Cries of "Blaine, Blaine, James G. Blaine," and - confusion.) - </p> - <p> - Gentlemen, I wish that a better and thrillinger orator had been selected - in my place to name the candidate on whom alone I can unite. Soldiers, - rail-splitters, statesmen, canal boys, tailors, farmers, merchants and - school teachers have been Presidents of the United States, but to my - knowledge no convention has ever yet named a distiller. I have the honor - to-day to name a modest man for the high office of President; a man who - never before allowed his name to be presented to a convention; a man who - never even stated in the papers that his name would not be presented to - the convention; a man who has never sought or courted publicity even in - his own business; a man who has been a distiller in a quiet way for over - fifteen years and yet has never even advertised in the papers; a man who - has so carefully shunned the eye of the world that only two or three of us - know where his place of business is; a man who has such an utter contempt - for office that he has shot two Government officials who claimed to be - connected with the internal revenue business; a man who can drink or let - it alone, but who has aimed to divide the time up about equally between - the two; a man who had absolutely nothing to do with the war, not having - heard about it in time; a man who defies his culumniators or anybody else - of his heft; a man who would paint the White House red; a man who takes - great pleasure in being his own worst enemy. (Cries of "Name him! Name - him!" Great confusion, and cries of pain from several harmonious delegates - who are getting the worst of it.) - </p> - <p> - Not to take up your time, let me say in closing that the day for great men - as candidates for an important office is past. Great men in a great - country antagonize different factions and are then compelled to fall back - on literature. What we want is an obscure and silent chump. I have found - him. He has never antagonized but two men in his life and they are now - voting in a better land. He is a plain man, and his career at Washington - would be marked with more or less tobacco juice. For over fifteen years he - has been constructing at his country seat a lurid style of whiskey known - as The Essence of Crime. Quietly and unostentatiously he has fought for - the emancipation of whiskey everywhere. He says that we are too prone to - worry about our clothes and their cost and to give too little thought to - our tax-ridden rum. - </p> - <p> - Then, Mr. Chairman and Gentlemen, here in the full glare of public - approval, feeling that the name I am about to pronounce will in a few - moments flash across a mighty continent and greet the moist and moaning - news editor, the grimy peasant, the pussy banker and the streaked tennis - player; that the name I now nourish in my panting brain will soon be taken - up on willing tongues and borne across the union, rising and saluting the - hot blue dome of heaven, pulsating across the ocean, rocking the - beautifully upholstered thrones of the Old World and calling forth a dark - blue torrent of profanity from the offices of the illustrated papers, none - of which will be provided with his portrait, I desire to name Mr. Clem - Beasly, of Arkansaw, a man who has spent his best years manufacturing - man's greatest enemy. I hurrah for him and holler for him, and love him - for the (hic) enemy he has made. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0024" id="link2H_4_0024"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - A PLEA FOR ONE IN ADVERSITY - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> LEARN with much - sadness that Mr. William H. Vanderbilt's once princely fortune has - shrivelled down to $150,000,000. This piece of information comes to me - like a clap of thunder out of a clear sky. Once petted, fondled and - caressed, William H. Vanderbilt shorn of his wealth, and resting upon no - foundation but his sterling integrity, must struggle along with the rest - of us. - </p> - <p> - It would be but truth to say that Mr. Vanderbilt will receive very little - sympathy from the world now in the days of his adversity and penury when - the wolf is at his door. There are many of his former friends who will say - that William could economize and struggle along on $150,000,000, but let - them try it once and see how they would like it themselves; $150,000,000, - with no salary outside of that amount, will not last forever. - </p> - <p> - A poor man might pinch along in such a case if he could get something to - do, but we must remember that Mr. Vanderbilt has always lived in - comparatively comfortable circumstances. His hands, therefore, are tender - and his stomach juts out into the autumn air. He will, therefore, find it - hard at first to husk corn and dig potatoes. When he stoops over a sawbuck - around New York this winter his stomach will be in the way and his vest - will no doubt split open on the back. All these things will annoy the - spoiled child of luxury, and his broad features will be covered with - sadness. They will, at least, if there is sadness enough in the country to - do it. - </p> - <p> - The fall of William 'H. Vanderbilt and his headlong plunge from the proud - eminence to which his means had elevated him downward to the cringing - poverty of $150,000,000 should be a sad warning to us all. This fate may - fall to any of us. Oh, let us be prepared when the summons comes. For one - I believe I am ready. Should the dread news come to me to-morrow that such - a fate had befallen me, I would nerve myself up to it and meet it like a - man. With the ruin of my former fortune I would buy me a crust of bread - and some pie, and then I would take the balance and go over into Canada - and there I would establish a home for friendless bank cashiers who are - now there, several hundred of them, all alone and with no one to love - them. - </p> - <p> - All kinds of charitable institutions, costing many thousands of dollars, - are built in America from year to year for the comfort of homeless and - friendless women and children, but man is left out in the cold. Why is - this thus. Lots of people in Canada, of course, are doing their best to - make it cheerful and sunny for our lovely cashiers there, but still it is - not home. As a gentleman once said in my hearing, "There is no place like - home." And he was right. - </p> - <p> - In conclusion, I do not know what to say, unless it be to appeal to the - newspaper men of the country in Mr. Vanderbilt's behalf. While he was - wealthy he was proud and arrogant. He said, "Let the newspapers be - blankety blanked to blank," or words to that effect, but we do not care - for that. Let us forget all that and remember that his sad fate may some - day be our own. In our affluence let us not lose sight of the fact that - Van is suffering. Let us procure a place for him on some good paper. His - grammar and spelling are a little bit rickety but he could begin as - janitor and gradually work his way up. Parties having clothing or funds - which they feel like giving may forward the same to me at Hudson, Wis., - postpaid, and if the clothes do not fit Van they may possibly fit me. - </p> - <p> - New York, Oct. 7,1883. - </p> - <p> - Bill Nye. - </p> - <p> - P.S,—Oct. 30.—Since issuing the above I have received several - consignments of clothes for the suffering, also one sack of corn-meal and - a ham. Let the good work go on, for it is far more blessed to give than to - receive, I am told; and as Jay Gould said when, as a boy, he gave the - wormy half of an apple to his dear teacher, "Half is better than the - hole." - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0025" id="link2H_4_0025"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE RHUBARB-PIE - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>N June the - medicated tropical fruit known as the rhubarb-pie is in full bloom. The - farmer goes forth into his garden to find out where the coy, old setting - hen is hiding from the vulgar gaze, and he discovers that his pie-plant is - ripe. He then forms a syndicate with his wife for the purpose of - publishing the seditious and rebellious pie. - </p> - <p> - It is singular that the War Department has never looked into the scheme - for fighting the Indians with rhubarb-pie, instead of the regular army. - One-half the army could then put in its time court-martialing the other - half, and all would be well. - </p> - <p> - Rhubarb undoubtedly has its place in the <i>materia medica</i>, but when - it sneaks into the pie of commerce it is out of place. Castor-oil, and - capsicum, and dynamite, and chloroform, and porous-plasters, and arsenic, - all have their uses in one way or another, but they would not presume to - enter into the composition of a pie. - </p> - <p> - They know it would not be tolerated. But rhubarb, elated with its success - as a drug, forgets its humble origin and aspires to become au article of - diet. - </p> - <p> - Now the pumpkin knows its place. You never knew of a pumpkin trying to - monkey with science. The pumpkin knows that it was born to bury itself in - the bosom of the pumpkin-pie. It does not therefore, go about the country - claiming to be a remedy for spavin. - </p> - <p> - Supposing that the gory, yet toothsome steak, that grows on the back of - the twenty-one-year-old steer's neck, should claim for itself that it - could go into a drug-store and cure rheumatism and heartburn. Wouldn't - every one say that it was out of place and uncalled for? Certainly. The - back of the tough old steer's neck knows that it is destined for the - mince-pie, and nature did not intend otherwise. So also with the - vulcanized gristle, and arctic overshoe heel, and the shoe-string, and the - white button, and all those elements that go to make up the mince-pie. - They do not try to make medicines and cordials and anodynes of themselves. - Rhubarb is the only thing that successfully holds its place with the - apothecary, and yet draws a salary in the pie business. - </p> - <p> - I do not know how others may look at this matter, but I do not think it is - right. Still you find this medicated pie in the social circle everywhere. - We guard our homes with the strictest surveillance in other matters, and - yet we allow the low, vulgar pie-plant-pie to creep into our houses and - into our hearts. That is, it creeps into our hearts figuratively speaking. - The heart is not, as a matter of fact, one of the digestive organs, but I - use the term just as all poets do under like circumstances. - </p> - <p> - Many, however, will always continue to use the rhubarb-pie, and for those - I give below a receipt which has stood the test of years,—one which - results in a pie that frosts and sudden atmospheric changes cannot injure. - </p> - <p> - None but the youngest rhubarb should be used in making pies. Go out and - kill your rhubarb with a club, taking care not to kill the old and tough - variety. Give it a chance to repent. Remove the skin carefully, and take - out the digestive economy of the plant. Be specially careful to get off - the "fuzzy" coating, as rhubarb-pies with hair on are not in such favor as - they were when the country was new. Now put in the basement of cement and - throw on your rhubarb. Flavor with linseed-oil, and hammer out the top - crust until it is moderately thin. Then solder on the cover and drill - holes for the copper rivets. Having headed the rivets in place, nail on - zinc monogram, and kiln-dry the pie slowly. When it is cooled, put on two - coats of metallic paint, and adjust the time-lock. After you find that the - pie is impervious to the action of chilled steel or acids, remove and feed - it to the man who cheerfully pays for his whiskey and steals his - newspaper. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0026" id="link2H_4_0026"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - A COUNTRY FIRE - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">L</span>AST night I was - awakened by the cry of fire. It was a loud, hoarse cry, such as a large, - adult man might emit from his window on the night air. The town was not - large, and the fire-department, I had been told, was not so effective as - it should have been. - </p> - <p> - For that reason I arose and carefully dressed myself in order to assist, - if possible. I carefully lowered myself from my room by means of a - staircase which I found concealed in a dark and mysterious corner of the - passage. - </p> - <p> - On the streets all was confusion. The hoarse cry of fire had been taken up - by others, passed around from one to another, till it had swollen into a - dull roar. The cry of fire in a small town is always a grand sight. - </p> - <p> - All along the street in front of Mr. Pendergast's roller rink the blanched - faces of the people could be seen. Men were hurrying to and fro, knocking - the by-standers over in their frantic attempts to get somewhere else. With - great foresight Mr. Pendergast, who had that day finished painting his - roller rink a dull-roan color, removed from the building the large card - which bore the legend - </p> - <h3> - FRESH PAINT! - </h3> - <p> - so that those who were so disposed might feel perfectly free to lean up - against the rink and watch the progress of the flames. - </p> - <p> - Anon the bright glare of the devouring element might have been seen - bursting through the casement of Mr. Cicero Williams' residence, facing on - the alley west of Mr. Pendergast's rink. Across the street the spectator - whose early education had not been neglected could distinctly read the - sign of our esteemed fellow-townsman, Mr. Alonzo Burlingame, which was lit - up by the red glare of the flames so that the letters stood out plain as - follows: - </p> - <h3> - ALONZO BURLINGAME, - </h3> - <p> - Dealer in Soft and Hard Coal, Ice-Cream, Wood, Lime. - </p> - <p> - Cement, Perfumery, Nails, Putty, Spectacles, and Horse - </p> - <p> - Radish. - </p> - <p> - Chocolate Caramels and Tar Roofing. - </p> - <p> - Gas-Pitting and Undertaking in All Its Branches. - </p> - <p> - Hides, Tallow and Maple Syrup. - </p> - <p> - Fine Gold Jewelry, Silverware and Salt. - </p> - <p> - Glue, Codfish and Gent's Neckwear. - </p> - <p> - Undertaker and Confectioner. - </p> - <p> - }}"Diseases of Horses and Children a Specialty." - </p> - <p> - John White, Ptr. - </p> - <p> - The flames spread rapidly, until they threat ened the Palace rink of our - esteemed fellow-townsman, Mr. Pendergast, whose genial and urbane manner - has endeared him to all. - </p> - <p> - With a degree of forethought worthy of a better cause, Mr. Leroy W. Butts - suggested the propriety of calling out the hook and ladder company, an - organization of which every one seemed to be justly proud. Some delay - ensued in trying to find the janitor of Pioneer Hook and Ladder Company - No. 1's building, but at last he was secured, and after he had gone home - for the key, Mr. Butts ran swiftly down the street to awake the foreman, - but after he had dressed himself and inquired anxiously about the fire, he - said that he was not foreman of the company since the 2d of April. - </p> - <p> - Meantime the fire-fiend continued to rise up ever and anon on his hind - feet and lick up salt barrel after salt barrel in close proximity to the - Palace rink, owned by our esteemed fellow-citizen, Mr. Pendergast. Twice - Mr. Pendergast was seen to shudder, after which he went home and filled - out a blank which he forwarded to the insurance company. - </p> - <p> - Just as the town seemed doomed the hook-and-ladder company came rushing - down the street with their navy-blue hook-and-ladder truck. It is indeed a - beauty, being one of the Excelsior noiseless hook-and-ladder factory's - best instruments, with tall red pails and rich blue ladders. - </p> - <p> - Some delay ensued, as several of the officers claimed that under a new - by-law passed in January they were permitted to ride on the truck to - fires. This having been objected to by a gentleman who had lived in - Chicago for several years, a copy of the by-laws was sent for and the - dispute summarily settled. The company now donned its rubber overcoats - with great coolness and proceeded at once to deftly twist the tail of the - fire-fiend. - </p> - <p> - It was a thrilling sight as James McDonald, a brother of Terrance - McDonald, Trombone, Ind., rapidly ascended one of the ladders in the full - glare of the devouring element and fell off again. - </p> - <p> - Then a wild cheer rose to a height of about nine feet, and all again - became confused. - </p> - <p> - It was now past 11 o'clock, and several of the members of the - hook-and-ladder company who had to get up early the next day in order to - catch a train excused themselves and went home to seek much-needed rest. - </p> - <p> - Suddenly it was discovered that the brick livery stables of Mr. - McMichaels, a nephew of our worthy assessor, was getting hot. Leaving the - Palace rink to its fate, the hook-and-ladder company directed its - attention to the brick barn, and after numerous attempts at last succeeded - in getting its large iron prong fastened on the second story window-sill, - which was pulled out. The hook was again inserted but not so effectively, - bringing down this time an armful of hay and part of an old horse blanket. - Another courageous jab was made with the iron hook, which succeeded in - pulling out about five cents' worth of brick. This was greeted by a wild - burst of applause from the bystanders, during which the hook-and-ladder - company fell over each other and added to the horror of the scene by a mad - burst of pale-blue profanity. - </p> - <p> - It was not long before the stable was licked up by the fire-fiend, and the - hook-and-ladder company directed its attention toward the undertaking, - embalming, and ice-cream parlors of our highly-esteemed fellow-townsman, - Mr. A. Burlingame. The company succeeded in pulling two stone window-sills - out of this building before it burned. Both times they were encored by the - large and aristocratic audience. - </p> - <p> - Mr. Burlingame at once recognized the efforts of the heroic firemen by - tapping a keg of beer, which he distributed among them at twenty-five - cents per glass. - </p> - <p> - This morning a space forty-seven feet wide, where but yesterday all was - joy and prosperity and beauty, is covered over with blackened ruins. Mr. - Pendergast is overcome by grief at the loss of his rink, but assures us - that if he is successful in getting the full amount of his insurance he - will take the money and build two rinks, either one of which will be far - more imposing than the one destroyed last evening. - </p> - <p> - A movement is on foot to give a literary and musical entertainment at - Burley's Hall to raise funds for the purchase of new uniforms for the - "fire laddies," at which Mrs. Butts has consented to sing "When the Robins - Nest Again," and Miss Mertie Stout will recite "'Ostler Joe," a selection - which never fails to offend the best people everywhere. Twenty-five cents - for each offence. Let there be a full house. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0027" id="link2H_4_0027"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - BIG STEVE - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">Y</span>OU think, no - doubt, William, that I am happy, but I cannot say that I am. I will tell - you my little reminiscence if you don't mind, and you can judge for - yourself." These were the words of Big Steve, as we sat together one - evening, watching the dealer slide the cards out of his little tin - photograph album, while the crowd bought chips of the banker and corded - them up out the green table. - </p> - <p> - "You look on me as a great man to inaugurate a funeral, and wish that you - had a miscellaneous cemetery yourself to look back on; but greatness - always has its drawbacks. We cannot be great unless we pay the price. What - we call genius is after all only industry and perseverance. When my father - undertook to clean me out, in our own St. Lawrence County home, I filed - his coat-tails full of bird-shot and fled. Father afterwards said that he - could have overlooked it so far as the coat was concerned, but he didn't - want it shot to pieces while he had it on. - </p> - <p> - "Then I went to Kansas City and shot a colored man. That was a good many - years ago, and you could kill a colored man then as you can a Chinaman - now, with impunity, or any other weapon you can get your hands onto. Still - the colored man had friends and I had to go further West. I went to Nevada - then, and lived under a cloud and a <i>nom de plume</i>, as you fellers - say. - </p> - <p> - "I really didn't want to thin out the population of Nevada, but I had to - protect myself. They say that after a feller has killed his man, he has a - thirst for blood and can't stop, but that ain't so. You - 'justifiable-homicide' a man and get clear, and then you have to look out - for friends of the late lamented. You see them everywhere. If your stomach - gets out of order you see the air full of vengeance, and you drink too - much and that don't help it. Then you kill a man on suspicion that he is - follering you up, and after that you shoot in an extemporaneous, way, that - makes life in your neighborhood a little uncertain. - </p> - <p> - "That's the way it was with me. I've got where I don't sleep good any - more, and the fun of life has kind of pinched out, as we say in the mines. - It's a big thing to run a school-meeting or an election, but it hardly - pays me for the free spectacular show I see when I'm trying to sleep. You - know if you've ever killed a man—" - </p> - <p> - "No, I never killed one right out," I said apologetically. "I shot one - once, but he gained seventy-five pounds in less than six months." - </p> - <p> - "Well, if you ever had, you'd notice that he always says or does something - that you can remember him by. He either says, 'Oh, I am shot'! or 'You've - killed me'! or something like that, in a reproachful way, that you can - wake up in the night and hear most any time. If you kill him dead, and he - don't say a word, he will fall hard on the ground, with a groan that will - never stop. I can shut my eyes and hear one now. After you've done it, you - always wish they'd showed a little more fight. You could forgive 'em if - they'd cuss you, and holler, and have some style about 'em, but they - won't. They just reel, and fall, and groan. Do you know I can't eat a meal - unless my back is agin' the wall. I asked Wild Bill once how he could - stand it to turn his back on the crowd and eat a big dinner. He said he - generally got drunk just before dinner, and that helped him out. - </p> - <p> - "So you see, William, that if a man is a great scholar, he is generally - dyspeptic; if he's a big preacher, they tie a scandal to his coat-tail, - and if he's an eminent murderer, he has insomnia and loss of appetite. I - almost wish sometimes that I had remained in obscurity. Its a big thing to - be a public man, with your name in the papers and everybody afraid to - collect a bill of you, for fear you'll let the glad sunlight into their - thorax; but when you can't eat nor sleep, and you're liable to wake up - with your bosom full of buckshot, or your neck pulled out like a - turkey-gobler's, and your tongue hanging out of your mouth in a ludicrous - manner, and your overshoes failing to touch the ground by about ten feet, - you begin to look back on your childhood and wish you could again be put - there, sleepy and sinless, hungry and happy." - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0028" id="link2H_4_0028"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - SPEECH OF RED SHIRT, THE FIGHTING CHIEF OF THE SIOUX NATION - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>T HAD been a day - of triumph at Erastina. Buffalo Bill, returning from Marlborough House, - had amused the populace with the sports of an amphitheatre to an extent - hitherto unknown even in that luxurious city. A mighty multitude of people - from Perth Amboy and New York had been present to watch the attack on the - Dead wood coach and view with bated breath the conflict in the arena. - </p> - <p> - The shouts of revelry had died away. The last loiterer had retired from - the bleaching boards and the lights in the palace of the cowboy band were - extinguished. The moon piercing the tissue of fleecy clouds, tipped the - dark waters about Constable Hook with a wavy, tremulous light. The - dark-browed Roman soldier, wearing an umbrella belonging to Imre Kiralfy, - wabbled slowly homeward, the proud possessor of a large rectangular "jag." - </p> - <p> - No sound was heard save the low sob of some retiring wave as it told its - story to the smooth pebbles of the beach, or the lower sob of some - gentleman who had just sought to bed down a brand-new bucking bronco from - Ogallalla and decided to escape violently through the roof of the tent; - then all was still as the breast when the spirit has departed. Anon the - smoke-tanned Cheyenne snore would steal in upon the silence and then die - away like the sough of a summer breeze. In the green-room of the - amphitheatre a little band of warriors had assembled. The foam of conflict - yet lingered on their lips, the scowl of battle yet hung upon their brows, - and the large knobs on their classic profiles indicated that it had been a - busy day with them. The night wynd blew chill and the warrior had added to - his moss-agate ear-bobs a heavy coat of maroon-colored roof paint. - </p> - <p> - There was an embarrassing silence of a little spell and then Red Shirt, - fighting chief of the Sioux Nation borrowed a chew of tobacco from - Aurelius Poor Doe, stepped forth and thus addressed them: - </p> - <p> - Fellow-Citizens and Gentlemen of the Wild West: Ye call me chief, and ye - do well to call him chief who for two long years has met in the arena - every shape of man or beast that the broad empire of Nebraska could - furnish, and yet has never lowered his arm. - </p> - <p> - If there be one among you can say that ever at grub dance or scalp german - or on the war-path my action did belie my tongue let him stand forth and - say it and I will send him home with his daylights done up in the morning - paper. If there be three in all your company dare face me on the bloody - sands let them come on and I will bore holes in the arena with them and - utilize them in fixing up a sickening spectacle. - </p> - <p> - And yet I was not alway thus, a hired butcher attacking a Deadwood coach, - both afternoon and evening, the savage chief of still more savage men. - </p> - <p> - My ancestors came from Illinois. They dwelt there in the vine-clad hills - and citron groves of the Sangamon at a time when the country was overrun - with Indians. Instead of paying to see Indians, my ancestors would walk a - long distance over a poor road in order to get a shot at a white man. - </p> - <p> - In Dakota my early life ran quiet as the clear brook by which I babbled, - and my boyhood was one long, happy summer day. We bathed in the soiled - waters of the upper Missouri and ate the luscious prickly pear in the land - of the Dakotahs. - </p> - <p> - I did not then know what war was, but when Sitting Bull told me of - Marathon and Leuctra and Bull Run, and how at a fortified railroad pass - Imre Kiralfy had withstood the whole Roman army, my cheek burned, I knew - not why, and I thought what a glorious thing it would be to leave the - reservation and go upon the warpath. But my mother kissed my throbbing - temples and bade me go soak my head and think no more of those old tales - and savage wars. - </p> - <p> - That very night the entire regular army and wife landed on our coasts. - They tore down our tepee, stampeded our stock, stole our grease paints and - played a mean trick on our dog. - </p> - <p> - To-day in the arena I killed a man in the Black Hills coach, and when I - undid his cinch, behold! he was my friend. The same sweet smile was on his - face that I had noted when I met him on my trip abroad. He knew me smiled - faintly, made a few false motions and died. I begged that I might bear - away the body to my tepee and express it to his country seat, near - Limerick, and upon my bended knees, amid the dust and blood of the arena, - I begged this pool favor, and a Roman prętor from St. George answered: - "Let the carrion rot. There are no noble men but Romans and banana men. - Let the show go on. Give us our money's worth. Bring out the bobtail lion - from Abyssinia and the bucking bronco from Dead Man's Ranch." And the - assembled maids and matrons and the rabble shouted in derision and told me - to brace up, and bade Johnnie git his gun, git his gun, git his gun, and - other vile flings which I do not now recall. And so must you, fellow - warriors, and so must I, die like dogs. Ye stand here like giants (N. Y. - Giants) as ye are, but to-morrow the fangs of the infuriated buffalo may - sink into your quivering flesh. To-night ye stand here in the full flush - of health and conscious rectitude, but to-morrow some crank may shoot you - from the Deadwood coach. - </p> - <p> - Hark! Hear ye yon buffalo roaring in her den? 'Tis three days since she - tasted flesh, but to-morrow she will have warrior on toast, and don't you - forget it. And she will fling your vertebrae about her cage like the - costly Etruscan pitcher of a League nine. - </p> - <p> - If ye are brutes, then stand here like fat oxen waiting for the butcher's - knife. If ye are men, arise and follow me. We will beat down the guard, - overpower the ticket-chopper and cut for the tall timber. We will go - through Ellum Park, Port Richmond, Tower Hill, West Brighton, Sailors' - Snug Harbor and New Brighton like a colored revival through a watermelon - patch, beat down the walls of the Circus Maximus, tear the mosquito bars - from the windows of Nero's palace, capture the Roman ballet and light out - for Europe. - </p> - <p> - O comrades! warriors!! gladiators!!! - </p> - <p> - If we be men, let us die like men, beneath the blue sky, don't you know, - and by the still waters, according to Gunter, in the presence of the - nobility, rather than be stepped on by a spoiled bronco, surrounded by low - tradesmen from New York. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0029" id="link2H_4_0029"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - TO THE POOR SHINNECOCK - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HERE can be - nothing more pathetic than to watch the decay of a race, even though it be - a scrub race. To watch the decay of the Indian race, has been with me, for - many years a passion, and the more the Indian has decayed the more - reckless I have been in studying his ways. - </p> - <p> - The Indian race for over two hundred years has been a race against Time, - and I need hardly add that Time is away ahead as I pen these lines. - </p> - <p> - I dislike to speak of myself so much, but I have been identified with the - Indians more or less for fifteen years. In 1876 I was detailed by a San - Francisco paper to attend the Custer massacre and write it up, but not - knowing where the massacre was to be held I missed my way and wandered for - days in an opposite direction. When I afterwards heard how successful the - massacre was, and fully realized what I had missed, my mortification knew - no bounds, but I might have been even more so if I had been successful. We - never know what is best for us. - </p> - <p> - But the Indian is on the wane, whatever that is. He is disappearing from - the face of the earth, and we find no better illustration of this sad fact - than the gradual fading away of the Shinnecock Indians near the extremity - of Long Island. - </p> - <p> - In company with <i>The World</i> artist, who is paid a large salary to - hold me up to ridicule in these columns, I went out the other day to - Southampton and visited the surviving members of this great tribe. - </p> - <p> - Neither of us knows the meaning of fear. If we had been ordered by the - United States Government to wipe out the whole Shinnecock tribe we would - have taken a damp towel and done it. - </p> - <p> - The Shinnecock tribe now consists of James Bunn and another man. But they - are neither of them pure-blooded Shinnecock Indians. One-Legged Dave, an - old whaler, who, as the gifted reader has no doubt already guessed, has - but one leg, having lost the other in going over a reef many years ago, is - a pure-blooded Indian, but not a pure-blooded Shinnecock. Most of these - Indians are now mixed up with the negro race by marriage and are not - considered warlike. - </p> - <p> - The Shinnecocks have not been rash enough to break out since they had the - measles some years ago, but we will let that pass. - </p> - <p> - There are now about 150 Shinnecocks on the reservation, the most of whom - are negroes. They live together in peace and hominy, trying most of the - time to ascertain what the wild waves are saying in regard to fish. - </p> - <p> - There is an air of gentle, all-pervading peace which hangs over the - Shinnecock hills and that had its effect even upon my tumultuous and - aggressive nature, wooing me to repose. I could rest there all this summer - and then, after a good night's sleep, I could go right at it again in the - morning. Rest at Southampton does not seem to fatigue one as it does - elsewhere. - </p> - <p> - The Shinnecock Indian has united his own repose of manner with the calm - and haughty distrust of industry peculiar to the negro, and the result is - something that approaches nearer to the idea of eternal rest than anything - I have ever seen. The air seems to be saturated with it and the moonlight - is soaked full of calm. It would be a good place in which to wander - through the gloaming and pour a gallon or so of low, passionate yearning - into the ear of a loved one. - </p> - <p> - As a friend of mine, who is the teacher of modern languages and - calisthenics in an educational institution, once said, "the air seems - filled with that delicious dolce farina for which those regions is noted - for." I use his language because I do not know now how I could add to it - in any way. - </p> - <p> - We visited Mr. James Bunn at his home on Huckleberry avenue, saw the City - Hall and Custom House and obtained a front view of it, secured a picture - of the residence of the Street Commissioner and then I talked with Mr. - Bunn while the artist got a marine view of his face. - </p> - <p> - Mr. Bunn was for forty years a whaler, but had abandoned the habit now, as - there is so little demand among the restaurants for whales, and also - because there are fewer whales. I ascertained from him that the whale at - this season of the year does not readily rise to the fly, but bites the - harpoon greedily during the middle of the day. - </p> - <p> - Mr. Bunn also gave us a great deal of other Information, among other - things informing us of the fact that the white men had been up to their - old tricks and were trying to steal portions of the reservation that had - not been nailed down. He did not say whether it was the same man who is - trying to steal the old Southampton graveyard or not. - </p> - <p> - James is about seventy-five years old and his father once lived in a - wigwam on the Shinnecock Hills. Mr. Bunn says that the country has changed - very much in the past 250 years and that I would hardly know the place if - I could have seen it at first. During that time he says two other houses - have been built and he has reshingled the L of his barn with hay. - </p> - <p> - He told us the thrilling story of the Spanish Sylph and how she was - wrecked many years ago on the coast near his house, and how the Spanish - dollars burst out of her gaping side and fell with a low, mellow plunk - into the raging main. - </p> - <p> - How and then the sea has given up one of these "sand-dollars" as the years - went by, and not over two years ago one was found along the shore near by. - What I blame the Shinnecock Indians for is their fatal yearning to subsist - solely on this precarious income. - </p> - <p> - But with the decline of the whaling industry, due somewhat to the great - popularity of natural and acquired gas as a lubricant, together with the - cheap methods of picking up electricity and preserving it for illuminating - purposes, and also to the fact that whales are more skittish than they - used to be, the Shinnecock whaler is left high and dry. - </p> - <p> - It is, indeed, a pathetic picture. Here on the stern and rock-bound coast, - where their ancestors greeted Columbus and other excursionists as they - landed on the new dock and at once had their pictures taken in a group for - the illustration on the greenbacks, now the surviving relic of a brave - people, with bowed heads and frosting locks, are waiting a few days only - for the long, dark night of merciful oblivion. - </p> - <p> - So he walks in the night-time, all through the long fly time, he walks by - the sorrowful sea, and he yearns to wake never, but lie there forever in - the arms of the sheltering sea, to lie in the lap of the sea. - </p> - <p> - At least that is my idea of the way the Shinnecock feels about it. - </p> - <p> - The Indian race, wherever we find it, gives us a wonderful illustration of - the great, inherent power of rum as a human leveler. The Indian has, - perhaps, greater powers of endurance than the white man, and enters into - the great unequal fight with rum almost hilariously, but he loses his - presence of mind and forgets to call a cab at the proper moment. This is a - matter that has never been fully understood even by the pale face, and of - course the Indian is a perfect child in the great conflict with rum. The - result is that the Indian is passing away under our very eyes, and the - time will soon come when the Indian agent will have to seek some other - healthful, outdoor exercise. - </p> - <p> - So the consumptive Shinnecock, the author of "Shinny on Your Own Ground - and Other Games," is soon to live only in the flea-bitten records of a - great nation. Once he wrote pieces for the boys to speak in school, and - contributed largely to McGuffy's and Sander's periodicals, but now you - never hear of an Indian who is a good extemporaneous public speaker, or - who can write for sour apples. - </p> - <p> - He no longer makes the statement that he is an aged hemlock, that his - limbs are withered and his trunk attached by the constable. He has ceased - to tell through the columns of the Fifth Reader how swift he used to be as - a warrior and that the war-path is now overgrown with grass. He very - seldom writes anything for the papers except over the signature of - Veritas, and the able young stenographer who used to report his speeches - at the council fire seems to have moved away. - </p> - <p> - Two hundred and fifty years ago the Shinnecock Hills were covered by a - dense forest, but in that brief period, as if by magic, two and one-half - acres of that ground have been cleared, which is an average of an entire - acre for every hundred years. When we stop to consider that very little of - this work was done by the women and that the men have to attend to the - cleaning of the whales in order to prepare them for the table, and also - write their contributions for the school-books and sign treaties with the - White Father at Washington, we are forced to admit that had the Indian's - life been spared for a few thousand years more he would have been alive at - the end of that time. - </p> - <p> - So they wander on together, waiting for the final summons. Waiting for the - pip or measles, and their cough is dry aud hacking as they cough along - together towards the large and wide hereafter. - </p> - <p> - They have lived so near Manhattan, where refinement is so plenty, where - the joy they jerk from barley—every other day but Sunday—gives - the town a reddish color, that the Shinnecock is dying, dying with his - cowhide boots on, dying with his hectic flush on, while the church bells - chime in Brooklyn and New Yorkers go to Jersey, go to get their - fire-water, go to get their red-eyed bug-juice, go to get their cooking - whiskey. - </p> - <p> - Far away at Minnehaha, in the land of the Dakota, where the cyclone feels - so kinky, rising on its active hind-feet, with its tail up o'er the - dash-board, blowing babies through the grindstone without injuring the - babies, where the cyclone and the whopper journey on in joy together—there - refinement and frumenti, with the new and automatic maladies and choice - diseases that belong to the Caucasian, gather in the festive red man, take - him to the reservation, rob him while his little life lasts, rob him till - he turns his toes up, rob him till he kicks the bucket. - </p> - <p> - And the Shinnecock is fading, he who greeted Chris. Columbus when he - landed, tired and seasick, with a breath of peace and onions; he who - welcomed other strangers, with their notions of refinement and their - knowledge of the Scriptures and their fondness for Gambrinus—they - have compassed his damnation and the Shinnecock is busted. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0030" id="link2H_4_0030"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - WEBSTER AND HIS GREAT BOOK - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">N</span>OAH Webster - probably had the best command of language of any author of our time. Those - who have read his great work entitled Webster's Unabridged Dictionary, or - How One Word Led to Another, will agree with me that he was smart. Noah - never lacked for a word by which to express himself. He was a brainy man - and a good speller. - </p> - <p> - We were speaking of Mr. Webster on the way up here this afternoon, and a - gentleman from Ashland told me of his death. Those of you who have read - Mr. Webster's works will be pained to learn of this. One by one our - eminent men are passing away. Mr. Webster has passed away; Napoleon - Bonaparte is no more, and Dr. Mary Walker is fading away. This has been a - severe winter on Sitting Bull, and I have to guard against the night air a - good deal myself. - </p> - <p> - It would ill become me at this late date to criticise Mr. Webster's work, - a work that is now I may say in nearly every office, home, school-room and - counting-room in the land. It is a great book. I only hope that had Mr. - Webster lived he would have been equally fair in his criticism of my - books. - </p> - <p> - I hate to compare my books with Mr. Webster's, because it looks - egotistical in me; but although Noah's book is larger than mine and has - more literary attractions as a book to set a child on at the table, it - does not hold the interest of the reader all the way through. - </p> - <p> - He has tried to introduce too many characters into his book at the expense - of the plot. It is a good book to pick up and while away a leisure hour, - perhaps, but it is not a work that could rivet your interest till - midnight, while the fire went out and the thermometer went down to 47 - below zero. You do not hurry through the pages to see whether Reginald - married the girl or not. Mr. Webster didn't seem to care whether he - married the girl or not. - </p> - <p> - Therein consists the great difference between Noah and myself. He don't - keep up the interest. A friend of mine at Sing Sing who secured one of my - books, said he never left his room till he had devoured it. He said he - seemed chained to the spot, and if you can't believe a convict who is - entirely ont of politics, who in the name of George Washington can you - believe? - </p> - <p> - Mr. Webster was certainly a most brilliant writer, but a little inclined, - perhaps, to be wrong. I have discovered in some of his later books 118,000 - words no two of which are alike. This shows great fluency and versatility, - it is true, but we need something else. The reader waits in vain to be - thrilled by the author's wonderful word-painting. There is not a thrill in - the whole tome. Noah wasn't much of a thriller. I am free to confess that - when I read this book, of which I had heard so much, I was bitterly - disappointed. It is a larger book than mine and costs more, and has more - pictures in it than mine, but is it a work that will make a man lead a - different life? What does he say of the tariff? What does he say of the - roller skating rink? He is silent. He is full of cold, hard words and dry - definitions, but what does he say of the Mormons and female suffrage, and - how to cure the pip? Nothing. He evades everything, just as a man does - when he writes a letter accepting the nomination for President. - </p> - <p> - As I said before, however, it is a good book to pickup for a few moments - or to read on the train. I could never think of taking a long r. r. - journey without Mr. Webster's tale in my pocket. I would just as quick - think of traveling without my bottle of cough medicine as to start out - without Mr. Webster's book. - </p> - <p> - Mr. Webster's Speller was a work of less pretensions, perhaps, but it had - an immense sale. Eight years ago 40,000,000 of these books had been sold, - and yet it had the same grave defect. It was disconnected, cold, prosy and - dull. I read it for years, and at last became a very close student of Mr. - Webster's style. Still I never found but one thing in the book for which - there was such a stampede, which was even ordinarily interesting, and that - was a perfect gem. It was so thrilling in detail and so different from Mr. - Webster's general style that I have often wondered who he got to write it - for him. Perhaps it was the author of the <i>Bread Winners</i>. It related - to the discovery of a boy in the crotch of an old apple tree by an elderly - gentleman, and the feeling of bitterness and animosity that sprang up - between the two, and how the old man told the boy at first that he had - better come down out of that tree, because he was afraid the limb would - break with him and let him fall. Then, as the boy still remained, he told - him that those were not eating-apples, that they were just common - cooking-apples, and that there were worms in them. But the boy said he - didn't mind a little thing like that. So then the old gentleman got - irritated and called the dog and threw turf at the boy, and at last - saluted him with pieces of turf and decayed cabbages; and after he had - gone away the old man pried the bulldog's jaws open and found a mouthful - of pantaloons and a freckle. I do not tell this, of course, in Mr. - Webster's language but I give the main points as they recur now to my - mind. - </p> - <p> - Though I have been a close student of Mr. Webster for years and examined - his style closely, I am free to say that his ideas about writing a book - are not the same as mine. Of course it is a great temptation for a young - author to write a book that will have a large sale, but that should not be - all. We should have a higher object than that, and strive to interest - those who read our books. It should not be jerky and scattering in its - statements. - </p> - <p> - I do not wish to do an injustice to a great man who I learn is now no - more, a man who has done so much for the world and who could spell the - longest word without hesitation, but I speak of these things just as I - would expect others to criticise nay work. If one aspire to monkey with - the <i>literati</i> of our day we must expect to be criticised. I have - been criticised myself. When I was in public life—as a justice of - the peace in the Rocky Mountains—a man came in one day and - criticised me so that I did not get over it for two weeks. - </p> - <p> - I might add, though I dislike to speak of it now, that Mr. Webster was at - one time a member of the Legislature of Massachusetts. I believe that was - the only time he ever stepped aside from the straight and narrow way. A - good many people do not know this, but it is true. It only shows how a - good man may at one time in his life go wrong. - </p> - <div style="height: 6em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's Bill Nye's Sparks, by Edgar Wilson Nye AKA Bill Nye - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BILL NYE'S SPARKS *** - -***** This file should be named 51962-h.htm or 51962-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/1/9/6/51962/ - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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