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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
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-The Project Gutenberg EBook of Beer-Trust Busters, by A. R. Stuart
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-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most
-other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
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-to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook.
-
-Title: Beer-Trust Busters
-
-Author: A. R. Stuart
-
-Release Date: November 3, 2020 [EBook #63609]
-
-Language: English
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-Character set encoding: ASCII
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-*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BEER-TRUST BUSTERS ***
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-</pre>
-
-
-<div class="titlepage">
-
-<h1>Beer-Trust Busters</h1>
-
-<h2>By A. R. STUART</h2>
-
-<p>"It's a hell of a note when one guy controls the<br />
-beer situation&mdash;let's do Dudley dirty!" rang the<br />
-war cry of Doc, Listless and Outhouse. And the<br />
-intrepid trio went blearily about the business of<br />
-dirtying Dudley&mdash;empty bottles marking their trail.</p>
-
-<p>[Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from<br />
-Planet Stories Fall 1945.<br />
-Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that<br />
-the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]</p>
-
-</div>
-
-<hr class="chap" />
-
-<p>We pulled into the spaceport with the asteroid in tow. Platinum&mdash;20%.
-Very nice. We cleared our papers and sold the deposit for a tidy sum.
-There was only one thing to do and we did it.</p>
-
-<p>"Three beers," said Outhouse. Six feet four he was and built like one.
-The bartender brought them over. None of those mechanical mixers for
-us like they have in the high class joints. We like human company.
-Maybe that's why I'm always fighting with Outhouse Murphy and Listless
-Lomack.</p>
-
-<p>"Nice spotting on that asteroid, Doc," said Listless, downing his beer
-in a gulp and ordering three more, all for himself. "It's nice to have
-an astrophysicist in the crew. Sometimes you actually have a purpose."</p>
-
-<p>"More than a third class navigator," I yipped. But I was feeling pretty
-good. We all were. Money in our pockets, a good ship to roam around in
-and the best of company. We sat around over more beer, discussing plans
-for a real bender of which this was only the beginning, as you might
-say. When we finally picked out what we wanted to do, we called for the
-bill.</p>
-
-<p>Murphy picked it up and set it down.</p>
-
-<p>"What's the matter?" I asked.</p>
-
-<p>"Look," he commanded.</p>
-
-<p>I added up the column and checked the total. Then I thought back over
-the number of drinks we'd had. Listless pulled out a pocket slipstick
-but I didn't need it.</p>
-
-<p>"The price," I said in a hushed whisper, "has doubled."</p>
-
-<p>Listless turned to the bartender.</p>
-
-<p>"What's the idea?" he asked. The guy shrugged.</p>
-
-<p>"That's the latest," he said. "I can't help it. I gotta pay more, I
-gotta charge more."</p>
-
-<p>"Who's your supplier?" asked Outhouse.</p>
-
-<p>"Drake," said the bartender.</p>
-
-<p>Murphy turned to us.</p>
-
-<p>"I got suspicions," he informed us. "I got to go chase 'em up. I'll be
-back in a little while."</p>
-
-<p>Listless and I debated whether to order more. It was almost cheaper to
-drink hard liquor but we decided that discretion was the better part of
-hangover and stuck to beer.</p>
-
-<p>We hung around for about an hour and finally the door was shadowed by
-Murphy's tremendous form. If an elephant can slide, Murphy slid onto a
-stool. He ordered a couple and turned to us.</p>
-
-<p>"Well, boys, what do you think of the doings of Dirty Dudley?"</p>
-
-<p>Listless and I looked at each other.</p>
-
-<p>"Dudley D. Drake, young tycoon; embezzled from his father, sold short
-on his brother and now controls the beer situation."</p>
-
-<p>"Oh," we said among other unprintables, "that is a fine, tender, sore
-spot with us, Outhouse. How come?"</p>
-
-<p>"I'm not sure but from what I heard down at the alumni house it has
-something to do with the malting process. I think he's got a law passed
-or something like that. He had enough influence and he's nasty enough.
-In college we used to call him the 'Doctor of the Doublecross.'"</p>
-
-<p>"You mean you know the punk?" I asked.</p>
-
-<p>"Yeah. He tried to get my place on the wrestling team once. He dropped
-a table on me from the second floor." A dreamy smile played over the
-lips of an amused Outhouse.</p>
-
-<p>"What happened?" asked Lomack.</p>
-
-<p>"Oh, I caught it and threw it back up at him. Very messy. But he stayed
-away from me after that. I haven't seen him in six or seven years. And
-now he starts treading on my toes again. To say nothing of you two
-souses. I think it's time to renew an old acquaintance. Let's go."</p>
-
-<hr class="tb" />
-
-<p>We followed him out into the street and caught a 'copter to the Drake
-building. A beautiful job in steelite and stone, like the Drake heart,
-I gathered. The stone was only for effect, the steelite held it up. We
-settled down on the roof, got out and paid the driver. We walked up to
-the reception clerk. Murphy took it from there.</p>
-
-<p>"Mr. Drake is too busy to receive visitors," said the clerk at the
-desk. "I'm sorry."</p>
-
-<p>He really was, too, when Murphy leaned over and put one big hand
-completely around his neck.</p>
-
-<p>"Look," said Murphy, "you just call him on the viewer and tell him that
-Outhouse is here to finish a job on a table. He'll see us."</p>
-
-<p>The clerk tried to gulp but Murphy's fingers were in the way of his
-epiglottis. So he nodded his head. He was released with caution but
-there wasn't any need for that now. The clerk picked up the dial and
-called Drake. Dudley's face appeared on the screen. Dark and handsome
-he was like a long snake, with a little trick mustache that looked like
-an old time toothbrush.</p>
-
-<p>"What is it?" he snapped. "You know I'm busy."</p>
-
-<p>"There's something about a table, sir, and an outhouse"&mdash;the
-receptionist started, but Drake caught sight of Murphy's features
-shoved in front of the screen.</p>
-
-<p>"Hello, Dudley," cooed Murphy. "Think you'll be able to see me? I
-wouldn't refuse if I were you." Murphy picked up that poor operator and
-gestured with him. "Remember the table, Dudley? You wouldn't want me to
-do that to this poor fellow, would you? And besides, I've got a couple
-of geniuses with me. We want to talk to you about beer."</p>
-
-<p>Drake sat back in his chair and grinned a nasty grin.</p>
-
-<p>"It's all right, Harkness," he directed. "Send them down."</p>
-
-<p>The clerk lay limply back in the chair and pointed voicelessly toward a
-private elevator. Murphy pointed a finger at him.</p>
-
-<p>"Remember, please, that I am a proper noun. When you say Outhouse,
-don't put '<i>an</i>' in front of it." We bowed courteously and stalked off.</p>
-
-<p>The elevator was waiting for us. We got in, and it slipped soundlessly
-down to Drake's office. He was sitting waiting for us, his elbows on
-the desk, hands clasped together. He didn't bother to get up when we
-came in. Nor even offer chairs.</p>
-
-<p>"Enter one Outhouse," he said, "and two crummy friends. I am delighted."</p>
-
-<p>I excite easily. I started to hop up and down. But Murphy put a hand
-on my shoulder and I staggered to a rest. So I decided to turn on the
-brain, while Outhouse handled the other stuff.</p>
-
-<p>"What's the dope on this beer business?" asked Murphy.</p>
-
-<p>"Pretty simple," said Drake. "There has been a law passed just recently
-and tucked away in the files where it will not be noticed, unless,
-of course, there should be a need for it. The gist of it is that
-all malting done on the planet must be carried on under government
-supervision. That means strict control of course. The purest grains,
-the most carefully controlled processes, all that sort of thing.
-And if any detail is overlooked or found not satisfactory, a rather
-large fine is incurred. I own the larger part of the malting plants as
-you well know, although there are some others. They won't offer much
-trouble however, for you see, I am the government supervisor."</p>
-
-<p>I started to swear and again Murphy reached over, this time over my
-mouth. Then he pointed to a recorder disc. Clever guy, Dudley. If I'd
-said what I was going to say he could have put me up for the rest of my
-life and probably would.</p>
-
-<p>Drake smiled and clicked off the switch.</p>
-
-<p>"Now you can say what you like," he told me. "Nice of me, isn't it?"</p>
-
-<p>"We will keep the conversation on friendly terms," directed Murphy,
-"just in case."</p>
-
-<p>"Now to get down to business. It is our intention to bust your combine.
-Perhaps you would like to buy us off?" We hadn't thought of it till
-then but it sounded like a good idea. Listless and I nodded.</p>
-
-<p>Drake sneered.</p>
-
-<p>"How?" he asked. "I've got the Earth covered. And the other planets
-haven't the necessary conditions. The cloud layers on Venus keep out
-most of the sunlight and Mars and the rest of the outer planets are too
-far away. You're welcome to try Mercury."</p>
-
-<p>Sure, Mercury would be swell. It's either too hot or too cold. He had
-us stopped all right. But&mdash;crumbs! I was sore.</p>
-
-<p>"We're starting this cold," I yipped, "but we're gonna take you over
-the oleos and blow you out our jets. You should have bowed low when we
-came in. You didn't know you were talking to a group of experts." I
-included Murphy and Listless grandly. I'm really the smart guy in the
-bunch but I didn't have to tell that to Drake. I knew I was good, that
-was sufficient.</p>
-
-<p>Drake laughed.</p>
-
-<p>"Go ahead and try," he said.</p>
-
-<p>"Let's go, guys," I told them. We slammed out of the office, catching
-a last glimpse of Drake's nasty look as the elevator door closed. We
-traveled to the landing level, bade the clerk a pleasant goodbye after
-we pulled him out from under the desk, and hailed a 'copter.</p>
-
-<p>"Big talk, Doc," sighed Listless when we were seated at a quiet little
-midtown bar. "But how are you going to do it?"</p>
-
-<p>"I dunno," I said, "but give me time."</p>
-
-<hr class="tb" />
-
-<p>We were taking a jog around the track. It being a nice warm sunny
-day, Listless had decided that what we needed was to work some of the
-alcohol out of our systems. I objected, but was roped in anyway. Murphy
-merely sniffed. With his build he was immune. However he said he needed
-some fresh air so he would come along and hold a timer on us. Listless
-protested but I said swell. That's Listless for you; "Come on, Doc.
-Let's run off a couple of fast miles." Sure. Until somebody comes along
-to check up on him. Then he starts making excuses. But the two of us
-dragged him along.</p>
-
-<p>So here we were on the city track, along with half a dozen other
-undeveloped individuals, pounding around a cinder path in the park,
-each of us trying to breathe so the other wouldn't hear and feel the
-jar clear up to the occiput every time a foot came down. This must be
-awful on Listless' toes, I thought. He likes to wiggle 'em every time
-he gets in the pilot seat.</p>
-
-<p>On the third lap, Murphy started yelling and swinging his arm.</p>
-
-<p>"Come on, Lomack, oil your oleos. Chase him, Doc. You guys are doing
-time."</p>
-
-<p>Listless stuck out his chest and lengthened his stride but soon came
-back to the old stumble. I'm built pretty light so it didn't bother me
-much. I just stepped up the pace with him but I didn't slow down when
-he did. So I was looking at the timer, my head stuck under Murphy's arm
-when Listless broke an imaginary tape with his nose.</p>
-
-<p>"How'd we do?" he panted when he got his breath.</p>
-
-<p>"Swell," Outhouse enthused. "Sixty seconds less and you'd have only
-been a minute over the record."</p>
-
-<p>"Oh," said Lomack.</p>
-
-<p>"Yeah?" I said. "Oh. And what's more, Listless, you tentacle-toed ape,
-I got an idea running around that track. I think, I think, I really
-think, that we can do Dudley dirty."</p>
-
-<p>"What is it?" queried Murphy.</p>
-
-<p>"I'm not saying yet," I replied. "I've got to think it over for a while
-and examine the holes."</p>
-
-<p>"Moth holes?" said Listless.</p>
-
-<p>"Nuts," said I.</p>
-
-<p>"Marbles," said Outhouse. "Keep it to yourself, Doc, if you want to."</p>
-
-<p>"Well," said Listless slowly, "I bet one thing. I bet whatever it is, I
-gotta navigate."</p>
-
-<p>"You not only gotta navigate," I replied, "you gotta navigate <i>well</i>."</p>
-
-<p>"Now listen&mdash;"</p>
-
-<p>"Now listen, nothing," I screeched. "Not only will this bust up Dear
-Old Dudley's beer combine but it will also be a wonderful, beautiful,
-perfect demonstration of&mdash;"</p>
-
-<p>"Of what?" asked Outhouse enticingly.</p>
-
-<p>"Never mind," I said cunningly, "we'll let that take care of itself
-when the time comes."</p>
-
-<p>"Yeah, yeah, yeah," said Listless, who got his name because he's
-lazy, though <i>he</i> says it's because he can hold his liquor, "he's got
-another half throttled idea which means I'll be back to work at the old
-slipstick."</p>
-
-<p>"That's the trouble with you, Listless," I said haughtily. "You're
-limited to the depth of an astroplex navigator. Now take the thoughts
-of a real scientist." Here I strutted a bit. "You never could
-understand anything deeper than <i>Arctic Nights</i>. But a brain&mdash;like
-me&mdash;" I added modestly. "People will stand and point in awe when&mdash;"</p>
-
-<p>"The model scientist," sneered Lomack, "meaning of course, a small
-imitation of the real thing."</p>
-
-<p>I let out a howl and went for him. We were all set for a nice scrap
-when Murphy broke it up.</p>
-
-<p>"Now," he said, "if you two specimens of would-be manhood are going to
-shower and dress, get to it. I gotta date."</p>
-
-<p>"Glass, bottle or demijohn?" I asked from my tangled position. He
-stalked off. Then I untangled Listless' fingers from my hair and
-unwrapped his legs from around my middle, thus taking the pressure off
-him and letting him up. He took his teeth from around my forefinger and
-admitted that I had him licked. That's one thing I like about Lomack;
-when he's beaten he admits it.</p>
-
-<hr class="tb" />
-
-<p>I made a nifty little jog to the locker room while Listless limped
-along behind. We showered, got our loafer suits out of the lockers, and
-feeling pretty swell, sauntered out into a soft evening.</p>
-
-<p>"Boy," breathed Listless, taking a deep breath as though he hadn't had
-enough on the track, "this is lovely. Let's go find Murphy."</p>
-
-<p>Which meant a bender of course. For, as I have mentioned, Murphy is
-a man with all the physical capabilities of a three-year-old gorilla
-on a hashish jag. And if you wonder at the strange figures of speech
-we sometimes use, it is because Murphy was once an archaeologist who
-taught languages and made a side line specialty of ancient idioms.
-Until he got tired of teaching college boys and associating with
-professors. He was always hurting someone in wrestling, boxing or
-social intercourse so he finally dropped the whole business and went on
-a tear. Lomack and I picked him up in a low orbit space dive. He found
-us not repugnant and we rather enjoyed his finesse in a fight so we
-stuck together. When he wasn't off on a bat.</p>
-
-<p>"Where to?" I asked.</p>
-
-<p>"You know better than that," I was admonished. "You mean where first.</p>
-
-<p>"Just plain <i>where</i> is even better," I concluded.</p>
-
-<p>He took from his pocket a bunch of those little plastic souvenirs they
-put on bottles&mdash;he had plenty of opportunity to swipe them&mdash;and picked
-out five with the names of bars on them.</p>
-
-<p>"I'll toss 'em up," he explained, "and you grab one when they come
-down. That'll be a starter."</p>
-
-<p>So in the soft, yellowish red rays of a late and tired sun I watched
-while he turned three times to the west, went through the motions of
-blowing a beer head and tossed up his hand. The light tinkled quietly
-on the crystal clear figures as they soared lazily upward against a
-darkening blue. Spinning and tumbling they reached the zenith of flight
-and slowly gained velocity as they returned to the mother of all&mdash;but
-I wax poetic. I reached out my hand and snatched one. "<i>Benny's
-Barometric Beer</i>," it read.</p>
-
-<p>"I remember that joint," mused Listless. "They adjust the gas pressure
-to equal outside pressure. Result&mdash;no burp."</p>
-
-<p>"Even in thunderstorms?" I asked.</p>
-
-<p>"Automatic pressure regulator."</p>
-
-<hr class="chap" />
-
-<div class="figcenter">
- <img src="images/illus2.jpg" alt=""/>
-</div>
-
-<hr class="chap" />
-
-<p>So we went to Benny's. That's a nice quiet place downtown. As a rule,
-we don't go for the rainbow palaces and throne rooms that cater to
-the more exclusive and less interesting trade. All they ever have is
-acrobatic dancing at quarter gravity and stuff that Murphy could do
-at 3g's without straining anyone but me. And besides, with Dudley in
-control, the beer in those places would probably cost us half a credit.
-So we went to <i>Benny's</i> and Murphy wasn't there. Then we went to the
-<i>Sun Spot</i> and the only thing we recognized was the rise in price.
-We hit three or four more places but they were all modernized&mdash;no
-Outhouse. I was beginning to get sore about the rise in the cost of
-living. And Listless didn't seem to know what it was all about. After
-the fourth joint he started to argue with the bartenders. Which didn't
-do a bit of good because in those particular places, the bartenders
-were automatics. Finally we sallied into the <i>Solar Spin Club</i> and
-walked, stalked or clambered up to the bar. The regular customers
-walked, Listless stalked and I clambered.</p>
-
-<hr class="tb" />
-
-<p>The <i>club</i> was a pretty good bet because it has an old-fashioned bar in
-the rear for those who like to tell their trouble to a bartender who is
-deaf. Nobody knew that except a couple of us. Next to the bar were some
-tables. At one of these sat Brother Dudley and a couple of friends.
-Looking very disconsolate. Standing at the less brightly lit end of
-the bar were three lovely ladies laughing hysterically at one, broad
-Outhouse.</p>
-
-<p>"He's telling dirty jokes again," I sniffed.</p>
-
-<p>"Sometimes," sighed Listless, "I wish I had studied the more cultural
-subjects. It helps."</p>
-
-<p>"Helps what?" I demanded. "Anybody can do Drake. And anyway, you never
-met anyone who could appreciate them."</p>
-
-<p>He started to grin in a nasty way.</p>
-
-<p>"Present company excepted," I yiped. "You know what I mean. Don't try
-to get high-handed with me, you swizzle. I'm over your head like a
-Heaviside Layer." Then I calmed down.</p>
-
-<p>"This isn't going to make Dudley feel any too friendly toward us,"
-mused Listless, giving the three solos at the table the once-over.</p>
-
-<p>"Look at him," I said. "He doesn't feel good to anybody, ever. We
-should worry."</p>
-
-<p>"Two beers," I ordered, ruefully counting out the exorbitant amount I
-had learned was necessary. Drake seemed to brighten a little at that.
-Going right out of our pockets into his, the bum.</p>
-
-<p>We stoked our holds in a hurry, ordered a couple more and gave Outhouse
-the high sign.</p>
-
-<p>He started toward us and the bevy of beauties followed along
-automatically. Reminded me of a barnyard.</p>
-
-<p>"Hi, folks," he greeted us. "Look what I got it." The three girls
-giggled. Drake and his buddies sat and brooded. I kept an eye on them
-just to see when things got started. Listless was aware of them too,
-'cause I saw him tenderly feel his hip pocket for his applicator.
-That's what he called it. But Murphy had told him about that gadget. He
-said it was called a brass knuckle in the old days. Listless of course,
-had to be high-toned and make it out of plastic on his little press.</p>
-
-<p>The more we talked and laughed and the noisier we got, the glummer the
-other three became. I guess they wanted silence. Finally they looked at
-each other. I gave Murphy the nudge.</p>
-
-<p>"Routine Three," I whispered. I loved that one. And we weren't feeling
-too frisky yet. Not that we wanted to avoid a fight, you understand,
-but we had two more days of healthy drinking to do if we wanted to
-preserve our record. Murphy nodded his agreement to my suggestion and
-I strolled over to the slot machine control and put a coin in the
-smoothest, dreamiest, slowest dance number I could pick out. The music
-controlled the gravity strength of the floor, and with that piece I
-knew there wouldn't be enough field to flatten a quart of quicksilver.
-Outhouse carefully detached his arm from where it was, made sure there
-was plenty of room then turned and thumbed his nose at the boys. They
-snarled and jumped for him.</p>
-
-<p>Tsk, tsk, I thought, is that what Dudley learned in college? For
-Murphy bent his knees, stretched out his arms and gathered them in. In
-two steps he made the dance floor and tossed them gently up over it.
-While they scrambled and twisted, weightlessly, trying to get down, we
-grabbed the three girls. All of us charged through the door and into a
-'copter.</p>
-
-<hr class="chap" />
-
-<div class="figcenter">
- <img src="images/illus1.jpg" alt=""/>
-</div>
-
-<hr class="chap" />
-
-<p>"Now where?" asked Lomack after we had lost ourselves in a traffic
-level.</p>
-
-<p>"Any place where we can test Drake's products," I told him. "Then the
-next time we meet him we'll really have something to yell about."</p>
-
-<hr class="tb" />
-
-<p>"C'mon on, Doc. Wake up! Something's happened."</p>
-
-<p>"Hrrmph, brrrp, splat, phtooey," I replied as intelligibly as was
-possible under the circumstances. I opened my eyes and couldn't see a
-thing.</p>
-
-<p>"Snap out of it. Hurry up." It was Listless' voice whispering through
-the darkness.</p>
-
-<p>I groped around and found a light switch. I pushed it. There was a
-tremendous flash as the world disintegrated. I jumped up, banged my
-head against something and flopped back half dead. I heard Lomack
-laughing fit to kill. The ape. The lights went on. He was doubled over
-alongside my berth back in the ship. I looked at the light fixture.
-He'd taken out the regular element and substituted a flash lamp.</p>
-
-<p>"Very funny," I moaned, rubbing my head where I had hit it against
-the upper bunk. "Lucky you didn't blind me for life." I slipped back
-under the covers, turned over and was all set for another snooze when I
-remembered. I sat up in a hurry.</p>
-
-<p>"What time is it?" I asked.</p>
-
-<p>"Two days later," said Listless. I relaxed. We were O.K. then. I was
-afraid for a moment that we had gone soft. But two days isn't so bad.
-That's a lot of beer and, I shivered, a hell of a lot of credits.</p>
-
-<p>I staggered out of the berth, put on some clothes and went to the
-galley. Murphy was still eating. I reached for the bacon. No pills for
-us, not while they still grow pigs. There was silence while we shoveled
-it in. After the second cup of coffee, I sat back and gave forth with a
-big sigh.</p>
-
-<p>"Now," I said, "it is time to consider more serious things."</p>
-
-<p>"Like Dirty Dudley," put in Listless.</p>
-
-<p>"My old college chum," remarked Outhouse.</p>
-
-<p>"And the idea you had in the park the other day," added Lomack.</p>
-
-<p>"What is it?" asked Listless. "A new theory that will set the
-astrologers back on their ears?"</p>
-
-<p>"No," I replied. "It's not a new theory. It's an old and accepted one.
-But nobody ever thought of testing it out. That's what I want to do.
-And in testing it we will beat the beer combine at their own game. This
-will get us much praise from the thinking population as well as all
-good beer drinkers."</p>
-
-<p>"He means the Society of Astrophysicists," said Murphy. He turned to
-me. "You and that bunch. You're dead and don't know it."</p>
-
-<p>"Yeah," said Listless, "moping around a bunch of archives in dusty old
-halls. You oughta go there and bury yourself, Doc."</p>
-
-<p>"Shut up, shut up, shut up," I yelled. To think of a grown man like me
-acting that way. Sometimes I get disgusted with myself. But not in this
-bunch. They always beat me to it.</p>
-
-<p>"Lemme talk." I outlined the details of the plan without giving away
-the fundamental idea. When I had finished, Listless leaned back and
-groaned.</p>
-
-<p>"I knew it," he said. "I gotta make five hauling trips before I even
-get started figuring orbits. Whenever you have an idea, Doc, it's just
-one load after another. And what are you going to do with them after
-you get them set up out there?"</p>
-
-<p>"I'll tell you when we're ready," I said. "And don't worry about the
-orbits. I'll figure those. I couldn't trust you with such a delicate
-task."</p>
-
-<p>"I always knew you went around in circles, Doc," complained Murphy,
-"but this is the first time I ever saw it come out literally."</p>
-
-<p>"Not circles, you culture hound, ellipses as any student would know."</p>
-
-<p>"And what, may I ask again, is the purpose of this little venture?"
-Lomack was trying to be funny.</p>
-
-<p>"In addition to dishing Dudley," I replied calmly, "I'm going to
-demonstrate that Einstein was right."</p>
-
-<p>As we walked past the striped side of the ship to set out for supplies
-I glanced at the bow. We were in! Childishly printed, showing that one
-of us had been blotto, I read: "<i>Beerbuster</i>," sprawled on the bow
-plate. The previous name, "<i>Zebra</i>," the remnant of a five-day drunk,
-had been obliterated by the simple process of smearing catsup on it.
-The ship was all ready to go.</p>
-
-<p>So were we.</p>
-
-<hr class="tb" />
-
-<p>We were out in free space beyond Pluto's orbit towing a third load of
-asteroids; four big, juicy ones, taking them to the empty region we'd
-picked for the job. I was doing the piloting, pretty routine once the
-course was picked. Listless was back in the store room checking over
-the equipment we had picked up on this trip and, incidentally, giving
-his toes a rest. He twiddles his lowest extremities so much when he
-pilots that after a while he gets cramps and has to quit. Wears hell
-out of his socks that way. I heard him yell as he stubbed one of his
-darlings against a plate. We had half a dozen plates back there with
-specially designed foundations. They were to go on the asteroids and
-Listless had figured out an embedding foundation to fasten the plates
-to the rocky surfaces we had to deal with. We'd left Murphy out with
-the fifteen we'd already carted. Which might sound dangerous to Murphy,
-but in spite of what I say, Listless is a mighty good navigator and can
-find a comet in a dark nebula if he wants to.</p>
-
-<p>We came up to the cluster and spotted Murphy soaring about with a plate
-in one hand. He saw us and tried to wave the plate but only succeeded
-in wiggling himself. Those big plates, with disintegration chambers
-attached have plenty of inertia.</p>
-
-<p>Two of the rocks on which he had completed the job were separated. I
-surrendered the controls to Lomack who swung the ship around and sent
-the four we were towing swinging toward the rest of the pile. Then he
-jumped the ship at the right moment and they came to a stop not twenty
-feet from the others. Nice shooting, I thought, although I wouldn't
-admit it. Murphy came across to the ship and we started unloading the
-plates.</p>
-
-<p>The machinists had done a beautiful job. To standard plates they had
-added the fuel chamber and encased the whole in a shell of steelite.
-From this shell projected the adjustable pincer clamps which would
-dig into the solid rock and set immovably, making a rigid base for
-operations. They were full-sized, liner plates and we estimated three
-to an asteroid in a tripod formation which would give any orbit I was
-likely to want.</p>
-
-<p>We tied them in a convenient hollow and went on an inspection trip to
-see how Murphy had made out with his installations. Listless checked
-angles and tested foundations.</p>
-
-<p>"Looks O.K., Doc," he commented. "Think you have enough mass?"</p>
-
-<p>I counted. Nineteen.</p>
-
-<p>"Let's make it an even twenty," I decided. "We can tie the rest of the
-plates on in back and we won't have to load and unload. You go back
-and get them while Murphy and I fix up a couple more."</p>
-
-<p>Listless hopped back to the ship and beat it for the asteroid belt. I
-set out with Murphy, two plates and a hand excavator. We picked out
-spots, bored holes for the pincers, set the points and exploded the
-charges that drove them home. I stepped back to look it over. It was
-a nice idea. Space ships to order in any conceivable size. And these
-little babies were going to nip Dudley right where the hair was short.
-We made several more trips to the stock pile and stopped once for a
-rest and sleep before the ship came back.</p>
-
-<p>Murphy called my attention to it.</p>
-
-<p>"He's coming in," he said over the space phone. I turned to look. The
-<i>Beerbuster</i> was starting her spin. Suddenly Murphy grabbed me.</p>
-
-<p>"Out of the way," he yelled. "That slipstick expert miscalculated his
-stop."</p>
-
-<p>I stood and stared at the load of plates aimed straight at my head.
-Outhouse threw me one way and jumped the other. But the bundle came to
-a stop about twenty-five feet over us.</p>
-
-<hr class="tb" />
-
-<p>The air lock opened and Lomack stepped out, a big grin on his face.
-He jumped toward us with the tie line in his hand. I picked up my
-excavator by the wrong end and started for him.</p>
-
-<p>"You did that on purpose, you undernourished breakfast," I gritted,
-diving for him. He stepped out of my way and I landed on a sharp-edged
-rock with a very tender part of my anatomy.</p>
-
-<p>"Hold it, Doc, until you see what I brought back." He made the ship
-fast and ducked back in the air lock. He came out with a case.</p>
-
-<p>"Here y'are, Doc. Catch." The box sailed through space into my waiting
-arms. I caught the Drake label on the side.</p>
-
-<p>"And there are five more like it in the stock room."</p>
-
-<p>"Well," I hesitated. "In that case, I'll excuse you," I told him. I
-tossed it back and jumped after it. Murphy followed. He could smell
-beer through that helmet. We took off our suits and had a good stretch.
-Then we opened up. Lovely, lovely bottles. But not half so good as our
-beer was going to be we told each other.</p>
-
-<p>"I thought you boys would like a little refreshment," Listless expanded
-under our praise. "But I didn't want to interfere with work so I held
-it down to half a dozen."</p>
-
-<p>We went through the first two and then Outhouse and I had a good sleep
-in the ship's bunks while Lomack went out to look around and fiddle a
-bit. When we woke up we felt like a million, and it wasn't long before
-the three of us had the rest of the plates installed and ready to run.</p>
-
-<p>We turned in for a final nap before the big day.</p>
-
-<p>I woke up as nervous as a Martian juju. This was it. Listless was
-sitting at the control box, when I came in from breakfast, fingers
-ready to press the buttons tied into the plate chambers. Murphy was
-running around the ship putting up filters over observation ports at my
-suggestion. They still didn't have an inkling of what I was shooting at.</p>
-
-<p>"O.K.," I choked. "Let 'er go."</p>
-
-<p>Listless pressed the main contact. The box warmed up with a steadily
-rising hum. The little lights blinked on and the main panel showed
-the location of each asteroid. I read the figures off to him and his
-fingers ran over the board more nervously than his toes would ever go.
-The dots of light on the indicator panel started slowly in motion. They
-built up speed, flashing faster and faster around the two focal points
-I had calculated.</p>
-
-<p>"Take an observation," I told Murphy, sweating.</p>
-
-<p>He shot a glance out of the bow port, filter in his hand, ready to slap
-it on.</p>
-
-<p>"No stuff yet," he reported.</p>
-
-<p>The asteroids were revolving dizzily now.</p>
-
-<p>Suddenly a tremor passed through the ship.</p>
-
-<p>"There she goes!" I screamed. Murphy's eyes bugged out against the
-transparent plate.</p>
-
-<p>"There's something out there, Doc," he yelled. "Light by all that's
-uncontrollable. It's getting bigger. And brighter!" Lomack was still
-madly balancing the orbits, speeding up the asteroids like rocks on
-strings. A burst of brilliance came streaming through the forward
-observation. Murphy put up the filter.</p>
-
-<p>I sat back with a breath of deep, deep relief.</p>
-
-<p>"There you are, boys," I wheezed. "One sun as per specification.
-Completely under control. Lomack, if your fingers were fast enough we
-could use it for a blinker. All you have to do is control the speeds
-the right way."</p>
-
-<hr class="tb" />
-
-<p>Listless had established equilibrium by now, and threw over the box
-to automatic. He went back to the store room and brought out the last
-case. We sat down and drank to my health. Several times. And to my
-brain. Often.</p>
-
-<p>"How'd you figure it?" asked Murphy when the back pounding was over.</p>
-
-<p>"Boys," I said in a superior tone, "it's really very simple." Murphy
-threw the opener at me, so I got down to business.</p>
-
-<p>"You both know the rudiments of Einstein, don't you?" I asked. They
-nodded in agreement.</p>
-
-<p>"Well, you know the theory of space warp. Not the way the plates work
-but the fundamental proposition. Gravity does not exist as such. I mean
-there is no actual attraction between the sun and the planets. The sun
-is of such tremendous mass that it warps space elliptically around
-it in such a way that any body of a given mass and speed just has to
-travel a certain way. Instead of speaking of orbits, you might say,
-that, like marbles, the planets fall into certain grooves and there
-they stay."</p>
-
-<p>I stopped for a long one.</p>
-
-<p>"As I was saying, I thought that if the sun establishes grooves for the
-planets to travel in, what would happen if we establish the grooves by
-means of planets without a sun? Why, it follows as the noon the morning
-that with the conditions just right, a sun would have to come into
-existence. When we started those asteroids whizzing around we created
-a sort of 'mass vacuum' in the center, and mass just had to rush in
-to fill it. Or maybe it isn't even mass; just energy with an apparent
-mass due to an apparent attraction. Anyway, there's your sun. We can
-sell lots. We go to the boys and ask them how big a plant they want to
-build, government supervision doesn't hold in free space you know, so
-we can go in, snag an asteroid of the right size and set it up in a
-slow orbit around our little power plant. Charges will be reasonable
-but sufficient. And all the free beer we want."</p>
-
-<p>Listless belched hopefully.</p>
-
-<p>"That's very important," put in Murphy.</p>
-
-<p>"You win the brass plated bus bar, Doc," conceded Listless. "But, oh
-boy, if it hadn't worked."</p>
-
-<p>"The thing to do now," said the ever-practical Murphy, "is to set up
-a couple of choice locations. Listless, how about hopping back to the
-Belt and picking up a nice, big, round rock to set up the first plant
-on?"</p>
-
-<p>"It's okay with me," Listless agreed.</p>
-
-<p>"I don't like to leave the set up yet," I protested. "I'm not sure of
-the equilibrium point. Let's take that control out to One and set it up
-there. Murphy and I will stick there and keep our eyes on the system
-until you get back. I can handle any slight variables that may show up."</p>
-
-<p>So we put up a dome on the first planetoid and moved the control
-equipment into it. With enough food and an air supply to last a couple
-of days, we decided that Listless could head straight for Earth and see
-if he could interest one of the lesser brewers in our plan.</p>
-
-<p>After Listless had gone, Murphy and I sat around lazily, telling each
-other what we would do after we got the beer industry running smoothly.
-We puttered around with our minds, taking an occasional glance at the
-new sun, dropping off for a cat nap when we felt like it. I was in the
-middle of one of those when Murphy woke me up shaking my shoulder.</p>
-
-<p>"Huh?" I said sleepily.</p>
-
-<p>"Get up, Doc, there's a ship coming in." I rubbed my eyes and gazed out
-through the dome port. It wasn't the <i>Buster</i>. There were no stripes on
-it. And this ship had different lines.</p>
-
-<p>It seemed to be searching for something. Stopping here and there among
-the whirling planetoids, like a huge shark smelling for game, the pilot
-must have spotted the gleam of our dome, for suddenly he headed right
-for us.</p>
-
-<hr class="tb" />
-
-<p>I jumped into my spacealls just ahead of Murphy. We didn't know who
-it was, but I had a darned good idea. Something told me that our long
-delayed visit from Drake was about to arrive.</p>
-
-<p>The ship pulled in close to headquarters, the lock opened and three
-figures appeared. Hooking in their lines they sailed over to us.</p>
-
-<p>As they came closer I could make out Dudley's handsome features. With
-an expression on them I didn't like. The other two just looked familiar.</p>
-
-<p>"Hello, Outhouse," he sneered. "You too, genius. I must admit you did
-it. It's really too bad that your sun isn't stable, isn't it?"</p>
-
-<p>I started to bridle.</p>
-
-<p>"Whaddayamean, not stable?" I roared. "You know damn well that I know
-damn well that that sun is stable as space itself."</p>
-
-<p>"I said it wasn't stable, didn't I? How's a small sun like that going
-to stand up under the atomic bomb we're going to plant in it? Take it
-easy, Outhouse!"</p>
-
-<p>For Murphy had started to place his feet for a spring. But he couldn't
-do anything against the paralyzers that suddenly appeared in the hands
-of Dudley's henchmen. I remembered them now. No hope in that direction.
-They were the two whose girls we had taken back in the <i>Solar Spin
-Club</i>. They must have had an interest in Drake's business 'cause I
-can't see knocking a guy off for stealing your girl. I guess they took
-that sort of thing seriously though, they got such few opportunities
-from the looks of them.</p>
-
-<p>"Now that we have that settled, I guess we know what we can expect,"
-said Murphy.</p>
-
-<p>"That's right," said Drake silkily. "We are going to aim the bomb right
-at the center of your little beer plant. Where's your partner?"</p>
-
-<p>We looked at each other. Then we turned back to Drake and shrugged.</p>
-
-<p>"No spikka da Inglish," we said.</p>
-
-<p>Drake's voice hardened. I didn't like the sound of it.</p>
-
-<p>"Where did he go? Come across or you'll be here to watch that bomb go
-off."</p>
-
-<p>The two pleasant customers he'd brought with him didn't even bat an
-eye. I guess they were pretty used to his dealings.</p>
-
-<p>I was beginning to get hot. That's a habit with me. I started to jump
-up and down, as well as I could with no gravity for the down.</p>
-
-<p>"Dirty Dudley, you dastard&mdash;" I started but that was as far as I got.
-He stepped forward and slapped the side of my helmet with the butt of
-a paralyzer he pulled out of his belt. In the close confines of the
-plastecele casing it sounded like all the tail plates in Space Port One
-had dropped on me all at once. When I recovered and got up, Drake was
-covering Murphy carefully with the paralyzer and the other two guys
-were getting ready to jump back to the ship. For the bomb, I guessed.
-Drake turned to me.</p>
-
-<p>"A couple more cracks like that and your ears won't be much good," he
-told me. "Better take it easy with your tongue."</p>
-
-<p>I started to sputter but a glance from Outhouse silenced me. I guess he
-knew Drake better than I did, although I was beginning to catch up with
-him.</p>
-
-<p>Drake cautiously started to throw his eyes around.</p>
-
-<p>"Well, where is he?"</p>
-
-<p>"We don't know," I popped up, sticking out my head, literally.</p>
-
-<p>"I didn't ask you," said Drake, giving me a dirty look and casting a
-speculative eye over my helmet.</p>
-
-<p>"That's the straight dope, Drake," said Murphy, backing me up. "Lomack
-is behind the whole thing and he wouldn't tell us what he intends to
-do."</p>
-
-<p>"Don't kid me." Dirty Dudley was great on sneers. "You guys wouldn't
-put all the time and work and money in this if you didn't know what you
-were doing."</p>
-
-<p>"Yeah, we would," said Outhouse. "That's something you wouldn't
-understand, Drake. We trust each other."</p>
-
-<p>I thought he was going to get bad again but he only smiled.</p>
-
-<p>"Go ahead," he advised, "and see where it gets you."</p>
-
-<hr class="tb" />
-
-<p>All this time I knew that Murphy was just waiting his chance to jump at
-Drake when suddenly the expression on his face told me that something
-was up. I didn't dare turn around but I shifted for comfort and managed
-to trip. As I picked myself up under Drake's watchful scrutiny I cast
-a quick one over my shoulder. It was the <i>Beerbuster</i>, once <i>Zebra</i>,
-coming in with a tail of one asteroid trailing along behind. I didn't
-know what to do. Listless, unarmed, was going to walk right into a
-trap. For I wasn't too sure that Drake was going to take us off when
-the bomb let loose. Why should he? A nice experiment, three fine boys
-busted up. Don't do it again, says the government. He'd be in the clear.</p>
-
-<p>But Lomack must have had his eyes peeled and his toes socked, for he
-shifted into an orbit instead of coming straight in.</p>
-
-<p>In the meantime, Drake had spotted him, too, and had called his men
-on the space phone. They had the bomb all set. "Bring that thing over
-here and then get back on board," yelled Drake. The two men gingerly
-picked up the globe and jumped daintily for us. They came to a gentle
-stop, set it down, and beat it hastily for the ship again. Drake called
-Listless.</p>
-
-<p>"Hey, you space bum! This is Drake. I've got your two buddies under
-control down here. Leave your ship and come on in or they won't last
-much longer. Don't try anything funny or I'll knock them off right now."</p>
-
-<p>Murphy and I listened tensely. There was silence for a moment.</p>
-
-<p>"<i>Brrrack!</i>" said Listless. It was the prettiest sound.</p>
-
-<p>Drake was taken aback. For the moment it took to get started he
-couldn't think of an adequate reply. That was all the time Listless
-needed. Murphy and I stood in open-mouthed admiration at what came
-next. I could almost see Listless' stiff toes bursting through his
-socks.</p>
-
-<p>From traveling in a short orbit, the tail of the <i>Beerbuster</i> was
-standing out at right angles to the direction of flight. In a moment,
-Listless had flicked on the side plates, swung the ship around tail
-first and farther so that the asteroid followed through in a sweeping
-arc and headed straight for us. Drake stood in stunned astonishment;
-and because Drake was the brains, the two bums stood in the port of
-their ship and just looked. Which was their very hard luck.</p>
-
-<hr class="tb" />
-
-<p>The asteroid finished up its arc smack against Drake's ship. Like a
-gigantic hammer it smashed and crumpled the plates and the heat of the
-collision flashed into brilliant orange. The two boys on Drake's side,
-for once not stopping for orders, had left but they had forgotten about
-their lines. When the mass of rock hit, they were jerked like live fish
-on the ends of leaders. We heard them scream through the mike and then
-they were silent.</p>
-
-<p>I laughed; I couldn't help it, desperate as the situation was. Dirty
-Dudley was really getting smeared&mdash;but good.</p>
-
-<p>In the meanwhile Outhouse had wasted neither energy nor purpose in
-gathering Drake in while his attention was concentrated on ducking.
-Dirty Dudley didn't have a chance. I caught the paralyzer as it flew my
-way. But I didn't need it. Drake was out. Murphy had clonked him on the
-helmet with a metal-clad excavator. I was avenged.</p>
-
-<p>Listless got the tail under control and brought the rock in the usual
-way. He swung it nicely over our heads and put it nicely next to us. I
-didn't even duck. Then he opened the lock and came across. There were
-two other men with him.</p>
-
-<p>"What happened?" he asked. I told him. He went over and took a look at
-Drake and stirred him with his foot.</p>
-
-<p>"Good thing I brought witnesses," he remarked. Then he introduced us
-to the other two and told us that they were interested in starting a
-brewery around our private light.</p>
-
-<p>"It would have been very nice," said Parker, the senior partner, "to
-get away from Drake. He was slowly driving us out of business. Now of
-course, he won't offer any trouble. So I guess we'll stick to Earth."</p>
-
-<p>My heart sank.</p>
-
-<p>"Just the same, I like it out here. How about letting me take over one
-of your planets for a private home?"</p>
-
-<p>It was a thought. Private homes, private grounds, private planets. No
-looking over your neighbor's fences.</p>
-
-<p>Sure.</p>
-
-<p>The hell with the beer.</p>
-
-<p>We'd go in for real estate.</p>
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-<pre>
-
-
-
-
-
-End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Beer-Trust Busters, by A. R. Stuart
-
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-The Project Gutenberg EBook of Beer-Trust Busters, by A. R. Stuart
-
-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most
-other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
-whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of
-the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at
-www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have
-to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook.
-
-Title: Beer-Trust Busters
-
-Author: A. R. Stuart
-
-Release Date: November 3, 2020 [EBook #63609]
-
-Language: English
-
-Character set encoding: ASCII
-
-*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BEER-TRUST BUSTERS ***
-
-
-
-
-Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online
-Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
- Beer-Trust Busters
-
- By A. R. STUART
-
- "It's a hell of a note when one guy controls the
- beer situation--let's do Dudley dirty!" rang the
- war cry of Doc, Listless and Outhouse. And the
- intrepid trio went blearily about the business of
- dirtying Dudley--empty bottles marking their trail.
-
- [Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from
- Planet Stories Fall 1945.
- Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that
- the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]
-
-
-We pulled into the spaceport with the asteroid in tow. Platinum--20%.
-Very nice. We cleared our papers and sold the deposit for a tidy sum.
-There was only one thing to do and we did it.
-
-"Three beers," said Outhouse. Six feet four he was and built like one.
-The bartender brought them over. None of those mechanical mixers for
-us like they have in the high class joints. We like human company.
-Maybe that's why I'm always fighting with Outhouse Murphy and Listless
-Lomack.
-
-"Nice spotting on that asteroid, Doc," said Listless, downing his beer
-in a gulp and ordering three more, all for himself. "It's nice to have
-an astrophysicist in the crew. Sometimes you actually have a purpose."
-
-"More than a third class navigator," I yipped. But I was feeling pretty
-good. We all were. Money in our pockets, a good ship to roam around in
-and the best of company. We sat around over more beer, discussing plans
-for a real bender of which this was only the beginning, as you might
-say. When we finally picked out what we wanted to do, we called for the
-bill.
-
-Murphy picked it up and set it down.
-
-"What's the matter?" I asked.
-
-"Look," he commanded.
-
-I added up the column and checked the total. Then I thought back over
-the number of drinks we'd had. Listless pulled out a pocket slipstick
-but I didn't need it.
-
-"The price," I said in a hushed whisper, "has doubled."
-
-Listless turned to the bartender.
-
-"What's the idea?" he asked. The guy shrugged.
-
-"That's the latest," he said. "I can't help it. I gotta pay more, I
-gotta charge more."
-
-"Who's your supplier?" asked Outhouse.
-
-"Drake," said the bartender.
-
-Murphy turned to us.
-
-"I got suspicions," he informed us. "I got to go chase 'em up. I'll be
-back in a little while."
-
-Listless and I debated whether to order more. It was almost cheaper to
-drink hard liquor but we decided that discretion was the better part of
-hangover and stuck to beer.
-
-We hung around for about an hour and finally the door was shadowed by
-Murphy's tremendous form. If an elephant can slide, Murphy slid onto a
-stool. He ordered a couple and turned to us.
-
-"Well, boys, what do you think of the doings of Dirty Dudley?"
-
-Listless and I looked at each other.
-
-"Dudley D. Drake, young tycoon; embezzled from his father, sold short
-on his brother and now controls the beer situation."
-
-"Oh," we said among other unprintables, "that is a fine, tender, sore
-spot with us, Outhouse. How come?"
-
-"I'm not sure but from what I heard down at the alumni house it has
-something to do with the malting process. I think he's got a law passed
-or something like that. He had enough influence and he's nasty enough.
-In college we used to call him the 'Doctor of the Doublecross.'"
-
-"You mean you know the punk?" I asked.
-
-"Yeah. He tried to get my place on the wrestling team once. He dropped
-a table on me from the second floor." A dreamy smile played over the
-lips of an amused Outhouse.
-
-"What happened?" asked Lomack.
-
-"Oh, I caught it and threw it back up at him. Very messy. But he stayed
-away from me after that. I haven't seen him in six or seven years. And
-now he starts treading on my toes again. To say nothing of you two
-souses. I think it's time to renew an old acquaintance. Let's go."
-
- * * * * *
-
-We followed him out into the street and caught a 'copter to the Drake
-building. A beautiful job in steelite and stone, like the Drake heart,
-I gathered. The stone was only for effect, the steelite held it up. We
-settled down on the roof, got out and paid the driver. We walked up to
-the reception clerk. Murphy took it from there.
-
-"Mr. Drake is too busy to receive visitors," said the clerk at the
-desk. "I'm sorry."
-
-He really was, too, when Murphy leaned over and put one big hand
-completely around his neck.
-
-"Look," said Murphy, "you just call him on the viewer and tell him that
-Outhouse is here to finish a job on a table. He'll see us."
-
-The clerk tried to gulp but Murphy's fingers were in the way of his
-epiglottis. So he nodded his head. He was released with caution but
-there wasn't any need for that now. The clerk picked up the dial and
-called Drake. Dudley's face appeared on the screen. Dark and handsome
-he was like a long snake, with a little trick mustache that looked like
-an old time toothbrush.
-
-"What is it?" he snapped. "You know I'm busy."
-
-"There's something about a table, sir, and an outhouse"--the
-receptionist started, but Drake caught sight of Murphy's features
-shoved in front of the screen.
-
-"Hello, Dudley," cooed Murphy. "Think you'll be able to see me? I
-wouldn't refuse if I were you." Murphy picked up that poor operator and
-gestured with him. "Remember the table, Dudley? You wouldn't want me to
-do that to this poor fellow, would you? And besides, I've got a couple
-of geniuses with me. We want to talk to you about beer."
-
-Drake sat back in his chair and grinned a nasty grin.
-
-"It's all right, Harkness," he directed. "Send them down."
-
-The clerk lay limply back in the chair and pointed voicelessly toward a
-private elevator. Murphy pointed a finger at him.
-
-"Remember, please, that I am a proper noun. When you say Outhouse,
-don't put '_an_' in front of it." We bowed courteously and stalked off.
-
-The elevator was waiting for us. We got in, and it slipped soundlessly
-down to Drake's office. He was sitting waiting for us, his elbows on
-the desk, hands clasped together. He didn't bother to get up when we
-came in. Nor even offer chairs.
-
-"Enter one Outhouse," he said, "and two crummy friends. I am delighted."
-
-I excite easily. I started to hop up and down. But Murphy put a hand
-on my shoulder and I staggered to a rest. So I decided to turn on the
-brain, while Outhouse handled the other stuff.
-
-"What's the dope on this beer business?" asked Murphy.
-
-"Pretty simple," said Drake. "There has been a law passed just recently
-and tucked away in the files where it will not be noticed, unless,
-of course, there should be a need for it. The gist of it is that
-all malting done on the planet must be carried on under government
-supervision. That means strict control of course. The purest grains,
-the most carefully controlled processes, all that sort of thing.
-And if any detail is overlooked or found not satisfactory, a rather
-large fine is incurred. I own the larger part of the malting plants as
-you well know, although there are some others. They won't offer much
-trouble however, for you see, I am the government supervisor."
-
-I started to swear and again Murphy reached over, this time over my
-mouth. Then he pointed to a recorder disc. Clever guy, Dudley. If I'd
-said what I was going to say he could have put me up for the rest of my
-life and probably would.
-
-Drake smiled and clicked off the switch.
-
-"Now you can say what you like," he told me. "Nice of me, isn't it?"
-
-"We will keep the conversation on friendly terms," directed Murphy,
-"just in case."
-
-"Now to get down to business. It is our intention to bust your combine.
-Perhaps you would like to buy us off?" We hadn't thought of it till
-then but it sounded like a good idea. Listless and I nodded.
-
-Drake sneered.
-
-"How?" he asked. "I've got the Earth covered. And the other planets
-haven't the necessary conditions. The cloud layers on Venus keep out
-most of the sunlight and Mars and the rest of the outer planets are too
-far away. You're welcome to try Mercury."
-
-Sure, Mercury would be swell. It's either too hot or too cold. He had
-us stopped all right. But--crumbs! I was sore.
-
-"We're starting this cold," I yipped, "but we're gonna take you over
-the oleos and blow you out our jets. You should have bowed low when we
-came in. You didn't know you were talking to a group of experts." I
-included Murphy and Listless grandly. I'm really the smart guy in the
-bunch but I didn't have to tell that to Drake. I knew I was good, that
-was sufficient.
-
-Drake laughed.
-
-"Go ahead and try," he said.
-
-"Let's go, guys," I told them. We slammed out of the office, catching
-a last glimpse of Drake's nasty look as the elevator door closed. We
-traveled to the landing level, bade the clerk a pleasant goodbye after
-we pulled him out from under the desk, and hailed a 'copter.
-
-"Big talk, Doc," sighed Listless when we were seated at a quiet little
-midtown bar. "But how are you going to do it?"
-
-"I dunno," I said, "but give me time."
-
- * * * * *
-
-We were taking a jog around the track. It being a nice warm sunny
-day, Listless had decided that what we needed was to work some of the
-alcohol out of our systems. I objected, but was roped in anyway. Murphy
-merely sniffed. With his build he was immune. However he said he needed
-some fresh air so he would come along and hold a timer on us. Listless
-protested but I said swell. That's Listless for you; "Come on, Doc.
-Let's run off a couple of fast miles." Sure. Until somebody comes along
-to check up on him. Then he starts making excuses. But the two of us
-dragged him along.
-
-So here we were on the city track, along with half a dozen other
-undeveloped individuals, pounding around a cinder path in the park,
-each of us trying to breathe so the other wouldn't hear and feel the
-jar clear up to the occiput every time a foot came down. This must be
-awful on Listless' toes, I thought. He likes to wiggle 'em every time
-he gets in the pilot seat.
-
-On the third lap, Murphy started yelling and swinging his arm.
-
-"Come on, Lomack, oil your oleos. Chase him, Doc. You guys are doing
-time."
-
-Listless stuck out his chest and lengthened his stride but soon came
-back to the old stumble. I'm built pretty light so it didn't bother me
-much. I just stepped up the pace with him but I didn't slow down when
-he did. So I was looking at the timer, my head stuck under Murphy's arm
-when Listless broke an imaginary tape with his nose.
-
-"How'd we do?" he panted when he got his breath.
-
-"Swell," Outhouse enthused. "Sixty seconds less and you'd have only
-been a minute over the record."
-
-"Oh," said Lomack.
-
-"Yeah?" I said. "Oh. And what's more, Listless, you tentacle-toed ape,
-I got an idea running around that track. I think, I think, I really
-think, that we can do Dudley dirty."
-
-"What is it?" queried Murphy.
-
-"I'm not saying yet," I replied. "I've got to think it over for a while
-and examine the holes."
-
-"Moth holes?" said Listless.
-
-"Nuts," said I.
-
-"Marbles," said Outhouse. "Keep it to yourself, Doc, if you want to."
-
-"Well," said Listless slowly, "I bet one thing. I bet whatever it is, I
-gotta navigate."
-
-"You not only gotta navigate," I replied, "you gotta navigate _well_."
-
-"Now listen--"
-
-"Now listen, nothing," I screeched. "Not only will this bust up Dear
-Old Dudley's beer combine but it will also be a wonderful, beautiful,
-perfect demonstration of--"
-
-"Of what?" asked Outhouse enticingly.
-
-"Never mind," I said cunningly, "we'll let that take care of itself
-when the time comes."
-
-"Yeah, yeah, yeah," said Listless, who got his name because he's
-lazy, though _he_ says it's because he can hold his liquor, "he's got
-another half throttled idea which means I'll be back to work at the old
-slipstick."
-
-"That's the trouble with you, Listless," I said haughtily. "You're
-limited to the depth of an astroplex navigator. Now take the thoughts
-of a real scientist." Here I strutted a bit. "You never could
-understand anything deeper than _Arctic Nights_. But a brain--like
-me--" I added modestly. "People will stand and point in awe when--"
-
-"The model scientist," sneered Lomack, "meaning of course, a small
-imitation of the real thing."
-
-I let out a howl and went for him. We were all set for a nice scrap
-when Murphy broke it up.
-
-"Now," he said, "if you two specimens of would-be manhood are going to
-shower and dress, get to it. I gotta date."
-
-"Glass, bottle or demijohn?" I asked from my tangled position. He
-stalked off. Then I untangled Listless' fingers from my hair and
-unwrapped his legs from around my middle, thus taking the pressure off
-him and letting him up. He took his teeth from around my forefinger and
-admitted that I had him licked. That's one thing I like about Lomack;
-when he's beaten he admits it.
-
- * * * * *
-
-I made a nifty little jog to the locker room while Listless limped
-along behind. We showered, got our loafer suits out of the lockers, and
-feeling pretty swell, sauntered out into a soft evening.
-
-"Boy," breathed Listless, taking a deep breath as though he hadn't had
-enough on the track, "this is lovely. Let's go find Murphy."
-
-Which meant a bender of course. For, as I have mentioned, Murphy is
-a man with all the physical capabilities of a three-year-old gorilla
-on a hashish jag. And if you wonder at the strange figures of speech
-we sometimes use, it is because Murphy was once an archaeologist who
-taught languages and made a side line specialty of ancient idioms.
-Until he got tired of teaching college boys and associating with
-professors. He was always hurting someone in wrestling, boxing or
-social intercourse so he finally dropped the whole business and went on
-a tear. Lomack and I picked him up in a low orbit space dive. He found
-us not repugnant and we rather enjoyed his finesse in a fight so we
-stuck together. When he wasn't off on a bat.
-
-"Where to?" I asked.
-
-"You know better than that," I was admonished. "You mean where first.
-
-"Just plain _where_ is even better," I concluded.
-
-He took from his pocket a bunch of those little plastic souvenirs they
-put on bottles--he had plenty of opportunity to swipe them--and picked
-out five with the names of bars on them.
-
-"I'll toss 'em up," he explained, "and you grab one when they come
-down. That'll be a starter."
-
-So in the soft, yellowish red rays of a late and tired sun I watched
-while he turned three times to the west, went through the motions of
-blowing a beer head and tossed up his hand. The light tinkled quietly
-on the crystal clear figures as they soared lazily upward against a
-darkening blue. Spinning and tumbling they reached the zenith of flight
-and slowly gained velocity as they returned to the mother of all--but
-I wax poetic. I reached out my hand and snatched one. "_Benny's
-Barometric Beer_," it read.
-
-"I remember that joint," mused Listless. "They adjust the gas pressure
-to equal outside pressure. Result--no burp."
-
-"Even in thunderstorms?" I asked.
-
-"Automatic pressure regulator."
-
-So we went to Benny's. That's a nice quiet place downtown. As a rule,
-we don't go for the rainbow palaces and throne rooms that cater to
-the more exclusive and less interesting trade. All they ever have is
-acrobatic dancing at quarter gravity and stuff that Murphy could do
-at 3g's without straining anyone but me. And besides, with Dudley in
-control, the beer in those places would probably cost us half a credit.
-So we went to _Benny's_ and Murphy wasn't there. Then we went to the
-_Sun Spot_ and the only thing we recognized was the rise in price.
-We hit three or four more places but they were all modernized--no
-Outhouse. I was beginning to get sore about the rise in the cost of
-living. And Listless didn't seem to know what it was all about. After
-the fourth joint he started to argue with the bartenders. Which didn't
-do a bit of good because in those particular places, the bartenders
-were automatics. Finally we sallied into the _Solar Spin Club_ and
-walked, stalked or clambered up to the bar. The regular customers
-walked, Listless stalked and I clambered.
-
- * * * * *
-
-The _club_ was a pretty good bet because it has an old-fashioned bar in
-the rear for those who like to tell their trouble to a bartender who is
-deaf. Nobody knew that except a couple of us. Next to the bar were some
-tables. At one of these sat Brother Dudley and a couple of friends.
-Looking very disconsolate. Standing at the less brightly lit end of
-the bar were three lovely ladies laughing hysterically at one, broad
-Outhouse.
-
-"He's telling dirty jokes again," I sniffed.
-
-"Sometimes," sighed Listless, "I wish I had studied the more cultural
-subjects. It helps."
-
-"Helps what?" I demanded. "Anybody can do Drake. And anyway, you never
-met anyone who could appreciate them."
-
-He started to grin in a nasty way.
-
-"Present company excepted," I yiped. "You know what I mean. Don't try
-to get high-handed with me, you swizzle. I'm over your head like a
-Heaviside Layer." Then I calmed down.
-
-"This isn't going to make Dudley feel any too friendly toward us,"
-mused Listless, giving the three solos at the table the once-over.
-
-"Look at him," I said. "He doesn't feel good to anybody, ever. We
-should worry."
-
-"Two beers," I ordered, ruefully counting out the exorbitant amount I
-had learned was necessary. Drake seemed to brighten a little at that.
-Going right out of our pockets into his, the bum.
-
-We stoked our holds in a hurry, ordered a couple more and gave Outhouse
-the high sign.
-
-He started toward us and the bevy of beauties followed along
-automatically. Reminded me of a barnyard.
-
-"Hi, folks," he greeted us. "Look what I got it." The three girls
-giggled. Drake and his buddies sat and brooded. I kept an eye on them
-just to see when things got started. Listless was aware of them too,
-'cause I saw him tenderly feel his hip pocket for his applicator.
-That's what he called it. But Murphy had told him about that gadget. He
-said it was called a brass knuckle in the old days. Listless of course,
-had to be high-toned and make it out of plastic on his little press.
-
-The more we talked and laughed and the noisier we got, the glummer the
-other three became. I guess they wanted silence. Finally they looked at
-each other. I gave Murphy the nudge.
-
-"Routine Three," I whispered. I loved that one. And we weren't feeling
-too frisky yet. Not that we wanted to avoid a fight, you understand,
-but we had two more days of healthy drinking to do if we wanted to
-preserve our record. Murphy nodded his agreement to my suggestion and
-I strolled over to the slot machine control and put a coin in the
-smoothest, dreamiest, slowest dance number I could pick out. The music
-controlled the gravity strength of the floor, and with that piece I
-knew there wouldn't be enough field to flatten a quart of quicksilver.
-Outhouse carefully detached his arm from where it was, made sure there
-was plenty of room then turned and thumbed his nose at the boys. They
-snarled and jumped for him.
-
-Tsk, tsk, I thought, is that what Dudley learned in college? For
-Murphy bent his knees, stretched out his arms and gathered them in. In
-two steps he made the dance floor and tossed them gently up over it.
-While they scrambled and twisted, weightlessly, trying to get down, we
-grabbed the three girls. All of us charged through the door and into a
-'copter.
-
-"Now where?" asked Lomack after we had lost ourselves in a traffic
-level.
-
-"Any place where we can test Drake's products," I told him. "Then the
-next time we meet him we'll really have something to yell about."
-
- * * * * *
-
-"C'mon on, Doc. Wake up! Something's happened."
-
-"Hrrmph, brrrp, splat, phtooey," I replied as intelligibly as was
-possible under the circumstances. I opened my eyes and couldn't see a
-thing.
-
-"Snap out of it. Hurry up." It was Listless' voice whispering through
-the darkness.
-
-I groped around and found a light switch. I pushed it. There was a
-tremendous flash as the world disintegrated. I jumped up, banged my
-head against something and flopped back half dead. I heard Lomack
-laughing fit to kill. The ape. The lights went on. He was doubled over
-alongside my berth back in the ship. I looked at the light fixture.
-He'd taken out the regular element and substituted a flash lamp.
-
-"Very funny," I moaned, rubbing my head where I had hit it against
-the upper bunk. "Lucky you didn't blind me for life." I slipped back
-under the covers, turned over and was all set for another snooze when I
-remembered. I sat up in a hurry.
-
-"What time is it?" I asked.
-
-"Two days later," said Listless. I relaxed. We were O.K. then. I was
-afraid for a moment that we had gone soft. But two days isn't so bad.
-That's a lot of beer and, I shivered, a hell of a lot of credits.
-
-I staggered out of the berth, put on some clothes and went to the
-galley. Murphy was still eating. I reached for the bacon. No pills for
-us, not while they still grow pigs. There was silence while we shoveled
-it in. After the second cup of coffee, I sat back and gave forth with a
-big sigh.
-
-"Now," I said, "it is time to consider more serious things."
-
-"Like Dirty Dudley," put in Listless.
-
-"My old college chum," remarked Outhouse.
-
-"And the idea you had in the park the other day," added Lomack.
-
-"What is it?" asked Listless. "A new theory that will set the
-astrologers back on their ears?"
-
-"No," I replied. "It's not a new theory. It's an old and accepted one.
-But nobody ever thought of testing it out. That's what I want to do.
-And in testing it we will beat the beer combine at their own game. This
-will get us much praise from the thinking population as well as all
-good beer drinkers."
-
-"He means the Society of Astrophysicists," said Murphy. He turned to
-me. "You and that bunch. You're dead and don't know it."
-
-"Yeah," said Listless, "moping around a bunch of archives in dusty old
-halls. You oughta go there and bury yourself, Doc."
-
-"Shut up, shut up, shut up," I yelled. To think of a grown man like me
-acting that way. Sometimes I get disgusted with myself. But not in this
-bunch. They always beat me to it.
-
-"Lemme talk." I outlined the details of the plan without giving away
-the fundamental idea. When I had finished, Listless leaned back and
-groaned.
-
-"I knew it," he said. "I gotta make five hauling trips before I even
-get started figuring orbits. Whenever you have an idea, Doc, it's just
-one load after another. And what are you going to do with them after
-you get them set up out there?"
-
-"I'll tell you when we're ready," I said. "And don't worry about the
-orbits. I'll figure those. I couldn't trust you with such a delicate
-task."
-
-"I always knew you went around in circles, Doc," complained Murphy,
-"but this is the first time I ever saw it come out literally."
-
-"Not circles, you culture hound, ellipses as any student would know."
-
-"And what, may I ask again, is the purpose of this little venture?"
-Lomack was trying to be funny.
-
-"In addition to dishing Dudley," I replied calmly, "I'm going to
-demonstrate that Einstein was right."
-
-As we walked past the striped side of the ship to set out for supplies
-I glanced at the bow. We were in! Childishly printed, showing that one
-of us had been blotto, I read: "_Beerbuster_," sprawled on the bow
-plate. The previous name, "_Zebra_," the remnant of a five-day drunk,
-had been obliterated by the simple process of smearing catsup on it.
-The ship was all ready to go.
-
-So were we.
-
- * * * * *
-
-We were out in free space beyond Pluto's orbit towing a third load of
-asteroids; four big, juicy ones, taking them to the empty region we'd
-picked for the job. I was doing the piloting, pretty routine once the
-course was picked. Listless was back in the store room checking over
-the equipment we had picked up on this trip and, incidentally, giving
-his toes a rest. He twiddles his lowest extremities so much when he
-pilots that after a while he gets cramps and has to quit. Wears hell
-out of his socks that way. I heard him yell as he stubbed one of his
-darlings against a plate. We had half a dozen plates back there with
-specially designed foundations. They were to go on the asteroids and
-Listless had figured out an embedding foundation to fasten the plates
-to the rocky surfaces we had to deal with. We'd left Murphy out with
-the fifteen we'd already carted. Which might sound dangerous to Murphy,
-but in spite of what I say, Listless is a mighty good navigator and can
-find a comet in a dark nebula if he wants to.
-
-We came up to the cluster and spotted Murphy soaring about with a plate
-in one hand. He saw us and tried to wave the plate but only succeeded
-in wiggling himself. Those big plates, with disintegration chambers
-attached have plenty of inertia.
-
-Two of the rocks on which he had completed the job were separated. I
-surrendered the controls to Lomack who swung the ship around and sent
-the four we were towing swinging toward the rest of the pile. Then he
-jumped the ship at the right moment and they came to a stop not twenty
-feet from the others. Nice shooting, I thought, although I wouldn't
-admit it. Murphy came across to the ship and we started unloading the
-plates.
-
-The machinists had done a beautiful job. To standard plates they had
-added the fuel chamber and encased the whole in a shell of steelite.
-From this shell projected the adjustable pincer clamps which would
-dig into the solid rock and set immovably, making a rigid base for
-operations. They were full-sized, liner plates and we estimated three
-to an asteroid in a tripod formation which would give any orbit I was
-likely to want.
-
-We tied them in a convenient hollow and went on an inspection trip to
-see how Murphy had made out with his installations. Listless checked
-angles and tested foundations.
-
-"Looks O.K., Doc," he commented. "Think you have enough mass?"
-
-I counted. Nineteen.
-
-"Let's make it an even twenty," I decided. "We can tie the rest of the
-plates on in back and we won't have to load and unload. You go back
-and get them while Murphy and I fix up a couple more."
-
-Listless hopped back to the ship and beat it for the asteroid belt. I
-set out with Murphy, two plates and a hand excavator. We picked out
-spots, bored holes for the pincers, set the points and exploded the
-charges that drove them home. I stepped back to look it over. It was
-a nice idea. Space ships to order in any conceivable size. And these
-little babies were going to nip Dudley right where the hair was short.
-We made several more trips to the stock pile and stopped once for a
-rest and sleep before the ship came back.
-
-Murphy called my attention to it.
-
-"He's coming in," he said over the space phone. I turned to look. The
-_Beerbuster_ was starting her spin. Suddenly Murphy grabbed me.
-
-"Out of the way," he yelled. "That slipstick expert miscalculated his
-stop."
-
-I stood and stared at the load of plates aimed straight at my head.
-Outhouse threw me one way and jumped the other. But the bundle came to
-a stop about twenty-five feet over us.
-
- * * * * *
-
-The air lock opened and Lomack stepped out, a big grin on his face.
-He jumped toward us with the tie line in his hand. I picked up my
-excavator by the wrong end and started for him.
-
-"You did that on purpose, you undernourished breakfast," I gritted,
-diving for him. He stepped out of my way and I landed on a sharp-edged
-rock with a very tender part of my anatomy.
-
-"Hold it, Doc, until you see what I brought back." He made the ship
-fast and ducked back in the air lock. He came out with a case.
-
-"Here y'are, Doc. Catch." The box sailed through space into my waiting
-arms. I caught the Drake label on the side.
-
-"And there are five more like it in the stock room."
-
-"Well," I hesitated. "In that case, I'll excuse you," I told him. I
-tossed it back and jumped after it. Murphy followed. He could smell
-beer through that helmet. We took off our suits and had a good stretch.
-Then we opened up. Lovely, lovely bottles. But not half so good as our
-beer was going to be we told each other.
-
-"I thought you boys would like a little refreshment," Listless expanded
-under our praise. "But I didn't want to interfere with work so I held
-it down to half a dozen."
-
-We went through the first two and then Outhouse and I had a good sleep
-in the ship's bunks while Lomack went out to look around and fiddle a
-bit. When we woke up we felt like a million, and it wasn't long before
-the three of us had the rest of the plates installed and ready to run.
-
-We turned in for a final nap before the big day.
-
-I woke up as nervous as a Martian juju. This was it. Listless was
-sitting at the control box, when I came in from breakfast, fingers
-ready to press the buttons tied into the plate chambers. Murphy was
-running around the ship putting up filters over observation ports at my
-suggestion. They still didn't have an inkling of what I was shooting at.
-
-"O.K.," I choked. "Let 'er go."
-
-Listless pressed the main contact. The box warmed up with a steadily
-rising hum. The little lights blinked on and the main panel showed
-the location of each asteroid. I read the figures off to him and his
-fingers ran over the board more nervously than his toes would ever go.
-The dots of light on the indicator panel started slowly in motion. They
-built up speed, flashing faster and faster around the two focal points
-I had calculated.
-
-"Take an observation," I told Murphy, sweating.
-
-He shot a glance out of the bow port, filter in his hand, ready to slap
-it on.
-
-"No stuff yet," he reported.
-
-The asteroids were revolving dizzily now.
-
-Suddenly a tremor passed through the ship.
-
-"There she goes!" I screamed. Murphy's eyes bugged out against the
-transparent plate.
-
-"There's something out there, Doc," he yelled. "Light by all that's
-uncontrollable. It's getting bigger. And brighter!" Lomack was still
-madly balancing the orbits, speeding up the asteroids like rocks on
-strings. A burst of brilliance came streaming through the forward
-observation. Murphy put up the filter.
-
-I sat back with a breath of deep, deep relief.
-
-"There you are, boys," I wheezed. "One sun as per specification.
-Completely under control. Lomack, if your fingers were fast enough we
-could use it for a blinker. All you have to do is control the speeds
-the right way."
-
- * * * * *
-
-Listless had established equilibrium by now, and threw over the box
-to automatic. He went back to the store room and brought out the last
-case. We sat down and drank to my health. Several times. And to my
-brain. Often.
-
-"How'd you figure it?" asked Murphy when the back pounding was over.
-
-"Boys," I said in a superior tone, "it's really very simple." Murphy
-threw the opener at me, so I got down to business.
-
-"You both know the rudiments of Einstein, don't you?" I asked. They
-nodded in agreement.
-
-"Well, you know the theory of space warp. Not the way the plates work
-but the fundamental proposition. Gravity does not exist as such. I mean
-there is no actual attraction between the sun and the planets. The sun
-is of such tremendous mass that it warps space elliptically around
-it in such a way that any body of a given mass and speed just has to
-travel a certain way. Instead of speaking of orbits, you might say,
-that, like marbles, the planets fall into certain grooves and there
-they stay."
-
-I stopped for a long one.
-
-"As I was saying, I thought that if the sun establishes grooves for the
-planets to travel in, what would happen if we establish the grooves by
-means of planets without a sun? Why, it follows as the noon the morning
-that with the conditions just right, a sun would have to come into
-existence. When we started those asteroids whizzing around we created
-a sort of 'mass vacuum' in the center, and mass just had to rush in
-to fill it. Or maybe it isn't even mass; just energy with an apparent
-mass due to an apparent attraction. Anyway, there's your sun. We can
-sell lots. We go to the boys and ask them how big a plant they want to
-build, government supervision doesn't hold in free space you know, so
-we can go in, snag an asteroid of the right size and set it up in a
-slow orbit around our little power plant. Charges will be reasonable
-but sufficient. And all the free beer we want."
-
-Listless belched hopefully.
-
-"That's very important," put in Murphy.
-
-"You win the brass plated bus bar, Doc," conceded Listless. "But, oh
-boy, if it hadn't worked."
-
-"The thing to do now," said the ever-practical Murphy, "is to set up
-a couple of choice locations. Listless, how about hopping back to the
-Belt and picking up a nice, big, round rock to set up the first plant
-on?"
-
-"It's okay with me," Listless agreed.
-
-"I don't like to leave the set up yet," I protested. "I'm not sure of
-the equilibrium point. Let's take that control out to One and set it up
-there. Murphy and I will stick there and keep our eyes on the system
-until you get back. I can handle any slight variables that may show up."
-
-So we put up a dome on the first planetoid and moved the control
-equipment into it. With enough food and an air supply to last a couple
-of days, we decided that Listless could head straight for Earth and see
-if he could interest one of the lesser brewers in our plan.
-
-After Listless had gone, Murphy and I sat around lazily, telling each
-other what we would do after we got the beer industry running smoothly.
-We puttered around with our minds, taking an occasional glance at the
-new sun, dropping off for a cat nap when we felt like it. I was in the
-middle of one of those when Murphy woke me up shaking my shoulder.
-
-"Huh?" I said sleepily.
-
-"Get up, Doc, there's a ship coming in." I rubbed my eyes and gazed out
-through the dome port. It wasn't the _Buster_. There were no stripes on
-it. And this ship had different lines.
-
-It seemed to be searching for something. Stopping here and there among
-the whirling planetoids, like a huge shark smelling for game, the pilot
-must have spotted the gleam of our dome, for suddenly he headed right
-for us.
-
- * * * * *
-
-I jumped into my spacealls just ahead of Murphy. We didn't know who
-it was, but I had a darned good idea. Something told me that our long
-delayed visit from Drake was about to arrive.
-
-The ship pulled in close to headquarters, the lock opened and three
-figures appeared. Hooking in their lines they sailed over to us.
-
-As they came closer I could make out Dudley's handsome features. With
-an expression on them I didn't like. The other two just looked familiar.
-
-"Hello, Outhouse," he sneered. "You too, genius. I must admit you did
-it. It's really too bad that your sun isn't stable, isn't it?"
-
-I started to bridle.
-
-"Whaddayamean, not stable?" I roared. "You know damn well that I know
-damn well that that sun is stable as space itself."
-
-"I said it wasn't stable, didn't I? How's a small sun like that going
-to stand up under the atomic bomb we're going to plant in it? Take it
-easy, Outhouse!"
-
-For Murphy had started to place his feet for a spring. But he couldn't
-do anything against the paralyzers that suddenly appeared in the hands
-of Dudley's henchmen. I remembered them now. No hope in that direction.
-They were the two whose girls we had taken back in the _Solar Spin
-Club_. They must have had an interest in Drake's business 'cause I
-can't see knocking a guy off for stealing your girl. I guess they took
-that sort of thing seriously though, they got such few opportunities
-from the looks of them.
-
-"Now that we have that settled, I guess we know what we can expect,"
-said Murphy.
-
-"That's right," said Drake silkily. "We are going to aim the bomb right
-at the center of your little beer plant. Where's your partner?"
-
-We looked at each other. Then we turned back to Drake and shrugged.
-
-"No spikka da Inglish," we said.
-
-Drake's voice hardened. I didn't like the sound of it.
-
-"Where did he go? Come across or you'll be here to watch that bomb go
-off."
-
-The two pleasant customers he'd brought with him didn't even bat an
-eye. I guess they were pretty used to his dealings.
-
-I was beginning to get hot. That's a habit with me. I started to jump
-up and down, as well as I could with no gravity for the down.
-
-"Dirty Dudley, you dastard--" I started but that was as far as I got.
-He stepped forward and slapped the side of my helmet with the butt of
-a paralyzer he pulled out of his belt. In the close confines of the
-plastecele casing it sounded like all the tail plates in Space Port One
-had dropped on me all at once. When I recovered and got up, Drake was
-covering Murphy carefully with the paralyzer and the other two guys
-were getting ready to jump back to the ship. For the bomb, I guessed.
-Drake turned to me.
-
-"A couple more cracks like that and your ears won't be much good," he
-told me. "Better take it easy with your tongue."
-
-I started to sputter but a glance from Outhouse silenced me. I guess he
-knew Drake better than I did, although I was beginning to catch up with
-him.
-
-Drake cautiously started to throw his eyes around.
-
-"Well, where is he?"
-
-"We don't know," I popped up, sticking out my head, literally.
-
-"I didn't ask you," said Drake, giving me a dirty look and casting a
-speculative eye over my helmet.
-
-"That's the straight dope, Drake," said Murphy, backing me up. "Lomack
-is behind the whole thing and he wouldn't tell us what he intends to
-do."
-
-"Don't kid me." Dirty Dudley was great on sneers. "You guys wouldn't
-put all the time and work and money in this if you didn't know what you
-were doing."
-
-"Yeah, we would," said Outhouse. "That's something you wouldn't
-understand, Drake. We trust each other."
-
-I thought he was going to get bad again but he only smiled.
-
-"Go ahead," he advised, "and see where it gets you."
-
- * * * * *
-
-All this time I knew that Murphy was just waiting his chance to jump at
-Drake when suddenly the expression on his face told me that something
-was up. I didn't dare turn around but I shifted for comfort and managed
-to trip. As I picked myself up under Drake's watchful scrutiny I cast
-a quick one over my shoulder. It was the _Beerbuster_, once _Zebra_,
-coming in with a tail of one asteroid trailing along behind. I didn't
-know what to do. Listless, unarmed, was going to walk right into a
-trap. For I wasn't too sure that Drake was going to take us off when
-the bomb let loose. Why should he? A nice experiment, three fine boys
-busted up. Don't do it again, says the government. He'd be in the clear.
-
-But Lomack must have had his eyes peeled and his toes socked, for he
-shifted into an orbit instead of coming straight in.
-
-In the meantime, Drake had spotted him, too, and had called his men
-on the space phone. They had the bomb all set. "Bring that thing over
-here and then get back on board," yelled Drake. The two men gingerly
-picked up the globe and jumped daintily for us. They came to a gentle
-stop, set it down, and beat it hastily for the ship again. Drake called
-Listless.
-
-"Hey, you space bum! This is Drake. I've got your two buddies under
-control down here. Leave your ship and come on in or they won't last
-much longer. Don't try anything funny or I'll knock them off right now."
-
-Murphy and I listened tensely. There was silence for a moment.
-
-"_Brrrack!_" said Listless. It was the prettiest sound.
-
-Drake was taken aback. For the moment it took to get started he
-couldn't think of an adequate reply. That was all the time Listless
-needed. Murphy and I stood in open-mouthed admiration at what came
-next. I could almost see Listless' stiff toes bursting through his
-socks.
-
-From traveling in a short orbit, the tail of the _Beerbuster_ was
-standing out at right angles to the direction of flight. In a moment,
-Listless had flicked on the side plates, swung the ship around tail
-first and farther so that the asteroid followed through in a sweeping
-arc and headed straight for us. Drake stood in stunned astonishment;
-and because Drake was the brains, the two bums stood in the port of
-their ship and just looked. Which was their very hard luck.
-
- * * * * *
-
-The asteroid finished up its arc smack against Drake's ship. Like a
-gigantic hammer it smashed and crumpled the plates and the heat of the
-collision flashed into brilliant orange. The two boys on Drake's side,
-for once not stopping for orders, had left but they had forgotten about
-their lines. When the mass of rock hit, they were jerked like live fish
-on the ends of leaders. We heard them scream through the mike and then
-they were silent.
-
-I laughed; I couldn't help it, desperate as the situation was. Dirty
-Dudley was really getting smeared--but good.
-
-In the meanwhile Outhouse had wasted neither energy nor purpose in
-gathering Drake in while his attention was concentrated on ducking.
-Dirty Dudley didn't have a chance. I caught the paralyzer as it flew my
-way. But I didn't need it. Drake was out. Murphy had clonked him on the
-helmet with a metal-clad excavator. I was avenged.
-
-Listless got the tail under control and brought the rock in the usual
-way. He swung it nicely over our heads and put it nicely next to us. I
-didn't even duck. Then he opened the lock and came across. There were
-two other men with him.
-
-"What happened?" he asked. I told him. He went over and took a look at
-Drake and stirred him with his foot.
-
-"Good thing I brought witnesses," he remarked. Then he introduced us
-to the other two and told us that they were interested in starting a
-brewery around our private light.
-
-"It would have been very nice," said Parker, the senior partner, "to
-get away from Drake. He was slowly driving us out of business. Now of
-course, he won't offer any trouble. So I guess we'll stick to Earth."
-
-My heart sank.
-
-"Just the same, I like it out here. How about letting me take over one
-of your planets for a private home?"
-
-It was a thought. Private homes, private grounds, private planets. No
-looking over your neighbor's fences.
-
-Sure.
-
-The hell with the beer.
-
-We'd go in for real estate.
-
-
-
-
-
-End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Beer-Trust Busters, by A. R. Stuart
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