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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Works, V2, by Lucian of Samosata
+#2 in our series by Lucian of Samosata
+
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+*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!*****
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+
+Title: Works, V2
+
+Author: Lucian of Samosata
+
+Release Date: September, 2004 [EBook #6585]
+[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
+[This file was first posted on December 29, 2002]
+
+Edition: 10
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WORKS, V2 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Robert Nield, Juliet Sutherland, Charles Franks
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+THE WORKS OF LUCIAN OF SAMOSATA
+
+Complete with exceptions specified in the preface
+
+TRANSLATED BY
+
+H. W. FOWLER AND F. G. FOWLER
+
+IN FOUR VOLUMES
+
+What work nobler than transplanting foreign thought into the barren
+domestic soil? except indeed planting thought of your own, which the
+fewest are privileged to do.--_Sartor Resartus_.
+
+At each flaw, be this your first thought: the author doubtless said
+something quite different, and much more to the point. And then you may
+hiss _me_ off, if you will.--LUCIAN, _Nigrinus_, 9.
+
+(LUCIAN) The last great master of Attic eloquence and Attic wit.--_Lord
+Macaulay_.
+
+
+
+VOLUME II
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS OF VOL. II
+
+THE DEPENDENT SCHOLAR
+
+APOLOGY FOR 'THE DEPENDENT SCHOLAR'
+
+A SLIP OF THE TONGUE IN SALUTATION
+
+HERMOTIMUS, OR THE RIVAL PHILOSOPHIES
+
+HERODOTUS AND AETION
+
+ZEUXIS AND ANTIOCHUS
+
+HARMONIDES
+
+THE SCYTHIAN
+
+THE WAY TO WRITE HISTORY
+
+THE TRUE HISTORY
+
+THE TYRANNICIDE
+
+THE DISINHERITED
+
+PHALARIS, I
+
+PHALARIS, II
+
+ALEXANDER THE ORACLE-MONGER
+
+OF PANTOMIME
+
+LEXIPHANES
+
+
+
+
+THE DEPENDENT SCHOLAR
+
+
+The dependent scholar! The great man's licensed friend!--if friend, not
+slave, is to be the word. Believe me, Timocles, amid the humiliation and
+drudgery of his lot, I know not where to turn for a beginning. Many, if
+not most, of his hardships are familiar to me; not, heaven knows, from
+personal experience, for I have never been reduced to such extremity, and
+pray that I never may be; but from the lips of numerous victims; from the
+bitter outcries of those who were yet in the snare, and the complacent
+recollections of others who, like escaped prisoners, found a pleasure in
+detailing all that they had been through. The evidence of the latter was
+particularly valuable. Mystics, as it were, of the highest grade,
+Dependency had no secrets for them. Accordingly, it was with keen
+interest that I listened to their stories of miraculous deliverance from
+moral shipwreck. They reminded me of the mariners who, duly cropped,
+gather at the doors of a temple, with their tale of stormy seas and
+monster waves and promontories, castings out of cargoes, snappings of
+masts, shatterings of rudders; ending with the appearance of those twin
+brethren [Footnote: The Dioscuri, Castor and Pollux, who were supposed to
+appear to sailors in distress.] so indispensable to nautical story, or of
+some other _deus ex machina_, who, seated at the masthead or
+standing at the helm, guides the vessel to some sandy shore, there to
+break up at her leisure--not before her crew (so benevolent is the God!)
+have effected a safe landing. The mariner, however, is liberal in
+embellishment, being prompted thereto by the exigencies of his situation;
+for by his appearance as a favourite of heaven, not merely a victim of
+fortune, the number of the charitable is increased. It is otherwise with
+those whose narrative is of domestic storms, of billows rising mountain
+high (if so I may phrase it) within four walls. They tell us of the
+seductive calm that first lured them on to those waters, of the
+sufferings they endured throughout the voyage, the thirst, the
+sea-sickness, the briny drenchings; and how at last their luckless craft
+went to pieces upon some hidden reef or at the foot of some steep crag,
+leaving them to swim for it, and to land naked and utterly destitute. All
+this they tell us: but I have ever suspected them of having convenient
+lapses of memory, and omitting the worst part for very shame. For myself,
+I shall have no such scruple. All that I have heard, or can reasonably
+infer, of the evils of dependence, I shall place before you. For either,
+friend, my penetration is at fault, or you have long had a hankering for
+this profession.
+
+Yes, I have seen it from the first, whenever the conversation has fallen
+on this subject of salaried intellects. 'Happy men!' some enthusiast has
+cried. 'The _elite_ of Rome are their friends. They dine
+sumptuously, and call for no reckoning. They are lodged splendidly, and
+travel comfortably--nay, luxuriously--with cushions at their backs, and
+as often as not a fine pair of creams in front of them. And, as if this
+were not enough, the friendship they enjoy and the handsome treatment
+they receive is made good to them with a substantial salary. They sow
+not, they plough not; yet all things grow for their use.' How I have seen
+you prick up your ears at such words as these! How wide your mouth has
+opened to the bait!
+
+Now I will have a clear conscience in this matter. I will not be told
+hereafter that I saw you swallowing this palpable bait, and never stirred
+a finger to snatch it from you, and show you the hook while there was yet
+time; that I watched you nibbling, saw the hook well in and the fish
+hauled up, and then stood by shedding useless tears. A grave charge,
+indeed, were I to leave it in your power to bring it; such neglect would
+admit of no palliation. You shall therefore hear the whole truth. Now, in
+leisurely fashion, from without, not hereafter from within, shall you
+examine this weel from which no fish escapes. You shall take in hand this
+hook of subtle barb. You shall try the prongs of this eel-spear against
+your inflated cheek; and if you decide that they are not sharp, that they
+would be easily evaded, that a wound from them would be no great matter,
+that they are deficient in power and grasp--then write me among those who
+have cowardice to thank for their empty bellies; and for yourself, take
+heart of grace, and swoop upon your prey, and cormorant-wise, if you
+will, swallow all at a gulp.
+
+But however much the present treatise is indebted to you for its
+existence, its application is not confined to you who are philosophers,
+whose ambition it is to form your conduct upon serious principles; it
+extends to the teachers of literature, of rhetoric, of music,--to all, in
+short, whose intellectual attainments can command a maintenance and a
+wage. And where the life, from beginning to end, is one and the same for
+all, the philosopher (I need not say), so far from being a privileged
+person, has but the additional ignominy of being levelled with the rest,
+and treated by his paymaster with as scant ceremony as the rest. In
+conclusion, whatever disclosures I may be led to make, the blame must
+fall in the first instance on the aggressors, and in the second instance
+on those who suffer the aggression. For me, unless truth and candour be
+crimes, I am blameless.
+
+As to the vulgar rabble of trainers and toadies, illiterate, mean-souled
+creatures, born to obscurity, should we attempt to dissuade _them_
+from such pursuits, our labour would be wasted. Nor can we fairly blame
+them, for putting up any affront, rather than part with their employers.
+The life suits them; they are in their element. And what other channel is
+there, into which their energies could be directed? Take away this, their
+sole vocation, and they are idle cumberers of the earth. They have
+nothing, then, to complain of; nor are their employers unreasonable in
+turning these humble vessels to the use for which they were designed.
+They come into a house prepared for such treatment from the first; it is
+their profession to endure and suffer wrong.
+
+But the case of educated men, such as I have mentioned above, is another
+matter; it calls for our indignation, and for our utmost endeavours to
+restore them to liberty. I think it will not be amiss, if I first examine
+into the provocations under which they turn to a life of dependence. By
+showing how trivial, how inadequate these provocations are, I shall
+forestall the main argument used by the defenders of voluntary servitude.
+Most of them are content to cloak their desertion under the names of
+Poverty and Necessity. It is enough, they think, to plead in extenuation,
+that they sought to flee from this greatest of human ills, Poverty.
+Theognis comes pat to their purpose. His
+
+  Poverty, soul-subduing Poverty,
+
+is in continual requisition, together with other fearful utterances of
+our most degenerate poets to the same effect. Now if I could see that
+they really found an escape from poverty in the lives they lead, I would
+not be too nice on the point of absolute freedom. But when we find them
+(to use the expression of a famous orator) 'faring like men that are
+sick,' what conclusion is then left to us to draw? What but this, that
+here again they have been misled, the very evil which they sold their
+liberty to escape remaining as it was? Poverty unending is their lot.
+From the bare pittance they receive nothing can be set apart. Suppose it
+paid, and paid in full: the whole sum is swallowed up to the last
+farthing, before their necessities are supplied. I would advise them to
+think upon better expedients; not such as are merely the protectors and
+accomplices of Poverty, but such as will make an end of her altogether.
+What say you, Theognis? Might this be a case for,
+
+  Steep plunge from crags into the teeming deep?
+
+For when a pauper, a needy hireling, persuades himself that by being what
+he is he has escaped poverty, one cannot avoid the conclusion that he
+labours under some mistake.
+
+Others tell a different tale. For them, mere poverty would have had no
+terrors, had they been able, like other men, to earn their bread by their
+labours. But, stricken as they were by age or infirmity, they turned to
+this as the easiest way of making a living. Now let us consider whether
+they are right. This 'easy' way may be found to involve much labour
+before it yields any return; more labour perhaps than any other. To find
+money ready to one's hand, without toil or trouble on one's own part,
+would indeed be a dream of happiness. But the facts are otherwise. The
+toils and troubles of their situation are such as no words can adequately
+describe. Health, as it turns out, is nowhere more essential than in this
+vocation, in which a thousand daily labours combine to grind the victim
+down, and reduce him to utter exhaustion. These I shall describe in due
+course, when I come to speak of their other grievances. For the present
+let it suffice to have shown that this excuse for the sale of one's
+liberty is as untenable as the former.
+
+And now for the true reason, which you will never hear from their lips.
+Voluptuousness and a whole pack of desires are what induce them to force
+their way into great houses. The dazzling spectacle of abundant gold and
+silver, the joys of high feeding and luxurious living, the immediate
+prospect of wallowing in riches, with no man to say them nay,--these are
+the temptations that lure them on, and make slaves of free men; not lack
+of the necessaries of life, as they pretend, but lust of its
+superfluities, greed of its costly refinements. And their employers, like
+finished coquettes, exercise their rigours upon these hapless slaves of
+love, and keep them for ever dangling in amorous attendance; but for
+fruition, no! never so much as a kiss may they snatch. To grant that
+would be to give the lover his release, a conclusion against which they
+are jealously on their guard. But upon hopes he is abundantly fed.
+Despair might else cure his ardent passion, and the lover be lover no
+more. So there are smiles for him, and promises; always something shall
+be done, some favour shall be granted, a handsome provision shall be made
+for him,--some day. Meanwhile, old age steals upon the pair; the
+superannuated lover ceases from desire, and his mistress has nothing left
+to give. Life has gone by, and all they have to show for it is _hope_.
+
+Well now, that a man for the sake of pleasure should put up with every
+hardship is perhaps no great matter. Devoted to this one object, he can
+think of nothing, but how to procure it. Let that pass. Though it seems
+but a scurvy bargain, a bargain for a slave; to sell one's liberty for
+pleasures far less pleasant than liberty itself. Still, as I say, let
+that pass, provided the price is paid. But to endure unlimited pain,
+merely in the hope that pleasure may come of it, this surely is carrying
+folly to the height of absurdity. And men do it with their eyes open. The
+hardships, they know, are certain, unmistakable, inevitable. As to the
+pleasure, that vague, hypothetic pleasure, they have never had it in all
+these years, and in all reasonable probability they never will. The
+comrades of Odysseus forgot all else in the Lotus: but it was while they
+were tasting its sweets. They esteemed lightly of Honour: but it was in
+the immediate presence of Pleasure. In men so occupied, such forgetfulness
+was not wholly unnatural. But to dwell a prisoner, with Famine for
+company, to watch one's neighbour fattening on the Lotus, and keeping it
+all to himself, and to forget Honour and Virtue in the bare prospect of a
+possible mouthful,--by Heaven, it is too absurd, and calls in good truth
+for Homeric scourgings.
+
+Such, as nearly as I can describe them, are men's motives for taking
+service with the rich, for handing themselves over bodily, to be used as
+their employers think fit. There is one class, however, of which I ought
+perhaps to make mention--those whose vanity is gratified by the mere fact
+of being seen in the company of well-born and well-dressed men. For there
+are those who consider this a distinguished privilege; though for my own
+part I would not give a fig to enjoy and to be seen enjoying the company
+of the King of Persia, if I was to get nothing by it.
+
+And now, since we understand what it is that these men would be at, let
+us mentally review their whole career;--the difficulties that beset the
+applicant before he gains acceptance; his condition when he is duly
+installed in his office; and the closing scene of his life's drama. You
+may perhaps suppose that his situation, whatever its drawbacks, is at
+least attainable without much trouble; that you have but to will it, and
+the thing is done in a trice. Far from it. Much tramping about is in
+store for you, much kicking of heels. You will rise early, and stand long
+before your patron's closed door; you will be jostled; you will hear
+occasional comments on your impudence. You will be exposed to the vile
+gabble of a Syrian porter, and to the extortions of a Libyan nomenclator,
+whose memory must be fee'd, if he is not to forget your name. You must
+dress beyond your means, or you will be a discredit to your patron; and
+select his favourite colours, or you will be out of harmony with your
+surroundings. Finally, you will be indefatigable in following his steps,
+or rather in preceding them, for you will be thrust forward by his
+slaves, to swell his triumphal progress. And for days together you will
+not be favoured with a glance.
+
+But one day the best befalls you. You catch his eye; he beckons you to
+him, and puts a random question. In that supreme moment what cold sweats,
+what palpitations, what untimely tremors are yours! and what mirth is
+theirs who witness your confusion! 'Who was the king of the Achaeans?' is
+the question: and your answer, as likely as not, 'A thousand sail.' With
+the charitable this passes for bashfulness; but to the impudent you are a
+craven, and to the ill-natured a yokel. This first experience teaches you
+that the condescensions of the great are not unattended with danger; and
+as you depart you pronounce upon yourself a sentence of utter despair.
+Thereafter,
+
+  many a sleepless night,
+  Many a day of strife shall be thy lot--
+
+not for the sake of Helen, not for the towers of Troy, but for the
+sevenpence halfpenny of your desire. At length some heaven-sent protector
+gives you an introduction: the scholar is brought up for examination. For
+the great man, who has but to receive your flatteries and compliments,
+this is an agreeable pastime: for you, it is a life-and-death struggle;
+all is hazarded on the one throw. For it will of course occur to you,
+that if you are rejected at the first trial, you will never pass current
+with any one else. A thousand different feelings now distract you. You
+are jealous of your rivals (for we will assume that there is competition
+for the post); you are dissatisfied with your own replies; you hope; you
+fear; you cannot remove your eye from the countenance of your judge. Does
+he pooh-pooh your efforts? You are a lost man. Was that a smile? You
+rejoice, and hope rises high. It is only to be expected, that many of the
+company are your enemies, and others your rivals, and each has his secret
+shaft to let fly at you from his lurking-place. What a picture! The
+venerable grey-beard being put through his paces. Is he any use? Some say
+yes, others no. Time is taken for consideration. Your antecedents are
+industriously overhauled. Some envious compatriot, some neighbour with a
+trivial grievance, is asked his opinion; he has but to drop a word of
+'loose morality,' and your business is done; 'the man speaks God's
+truth!' Every one else may testify to your character: their evidence
+proves nothing; they are suspected; they are venal. The fact is, you must
+gain every point; there must be no hitch anywhere. That is your only
+chance of success.
+
+And now, take it that you _have_ succeeded--beyond all expectation.
+Your words have found favour with the great man. Those friends, by whose
+judgement in such matters he sets most store, have made no attempt to
+alter his decision. His wife approves his choice; the steward and the
+major-domo have neither of them anything against you. No aspersions have
+been cast on your character; all is propitious, every omen is in your
+favour. Hail, mighty conqueror, wreathed in the Olympian garland! Babylon
+is yours, Sardis falls before you. The horn of plenty is within your
+grasp; pigeons shall yield you milk.
+
+Now, if your crown is to be of anything better than leaves, there must be
+some solid benefits to compensate you for the labours you have undergone.
+A considerable salary will be placed at your disposal, and you will draw
+upon it without ceremony, whenever you have occasion. You will be a
+privileged person in every respect. As for toils, and muddy tramps, and
+wakeful nights, the time for those have gone by. Your prayers have been
+heard: you will take your ease, and sleep your fill. You will do the work
+you were engaged to do, and not a stroke besides. This, indeed, is what
+you have a right to expect. There would be no great hardship in bowing
+one's neck to a yoke so light, so easy--and so superbly gilded. But alas,
+Timocles, many, nay all of these requirements are unsatisfied. Your
+office, now that you have got it, is attended with a thousand details
+insufferable to all but slaves. Let me rehearse them to you; you shall
+judge for yourself whether any man with the slightest pretence to culture
+would endure such treatment.
+
+Let me begin with your first invitation to dinner, which may reasonably
+be expected to follow, as an earnest of the patronage to come. It is
+brought to you by a most communicative slave, whose goodwill it must be
+your first care to secure. Five shillings is the least you can slip into
+his palm, if you would do the thing properly. He has scruples. 'Really,
+sir--couldn't think of it; no, indeed, sir.' But he is prevailed upon at
+last, and goes off, grinning from ear to ear. You then look out your best
+clothes, have your bath, make yourself as presentable as possible, and
+arrive--in fear and trembling lest you should be the first, which would
+wear an awkward air, just as it savours of ostentation to arrive last.
+Accordingly you contrive to hit on the right moment, are received with
+every attention, and shown to your place, a little above the host,
+separated from him only by a couple of his intimates. And now you feel as
+if you were in heaven. You are all admiration; everything you see
+done throws you into ecstasies. It is all so new and strange! The waiters
+stare at you, the company watch your movements. Nor is the host without
+curiosity. Some of his servants have instructions to observe you
+narrowly, lest your glance should fall too often on his wife or children.
+The other guests' men perceive your amazement at the novel scene, and
+exchange jesting asides. From the fact that you do not know what to make
+of your napkin, they conclude that this is your first experience of
+dining-out. You perspire with embarrassment; not unnaturally. You are
+thirsty, but you dare not ask for wine, lest you should be thought a
+tippler. The due connexion between the various dishes which make their
+appearance is beyond you: which ought you to take first? which next?
+There is nothing for it but to snatch a side glance at your neighbour, do
+as he does, and learn to dine in sequence. On the whole, your feelings
+are mingled, your spirit perturbed, and stricken with awe. One moment you
+are envying your host his gold, his ivory, and all his magnificence; the
+next, you are pitying yourself,--that miserable nonentity which calls its
+existence life; and then at intervals comes the thought, 'how happy shall
+I be, sharing in these splendours, enjoying them as if they were my own!'
+For you conceive of your future life as one continual feast; and the
+smiling attendance of gracious Ganymedes gives a charming finish to the
+picture. That line of Homer keeps coming to your lips: Small blame to
+Trojan or to greaved Achaean, if such happiness as this was to be the
+reward of their toils and sufferings. Presently healths are drunk. The
+host calls for a large beaker, and drinks to 'the Professor,' or whatever
+your title is to be. You, in your innocence, do not know that you ought
+to say something in reply; you receive the cup in silence, and are set
+down as a boor.
+
+Apart from this, your host's pledge has secured you the enmity of many of
+his old friends, with some of whom it was already a grievance, that an
+acquaintance of a few hours' standing should sit above men who have been
+drinking the cup of slavery for years. Tongues are busy with you at once.
+Listen to some of them. 'So! We are to give place to new-comers! It
+wanted but this. The gates of Rome are open to none but these Greeks. Now
+what is their claim to be set over our heads? I suppose they think they
+are conferring a favour on us with their wordy stuff?' 'How he did drink,
+to be sure!' says another. 'And did you see how he shovelled his food
+down, hand over hand? Mannerless starveling! He has never so much as
+dreamt of white bread before. 'Twas the same with the capon and pheasant;
+much if he left us the bones to pick!' 'My dear sirs' (cries number
+three), 'I give him five days at the outside; after which you will see
+him at our end of the table, making like moan with ourselves. He is a new
+pair of shoes just now, and is treated with all ceremony. Wait till he
+has been worn a few times, and the mud has done its work; he will be
+flung under the bed, poor wretch, like the rest of us, to be a receptacle
+for bugs.' Such are some among the many comments you excite; and, for all
+we know, mischief may be brewing at this moment.
+
+Meanwhile, you are the guest of the evening, and the principal theme of
+conversation. Your unwonted situation has led you on to drink more than
+was advisable. For some time you have been feeling uncomfortable effects
+from your host's light, eager wine. To get up before the rest would be
+bad manners: to remain is perilous. The drinking is prolonged; subject
+upon subject is started, spectacle after spectacle is produced; for your
+host is determined that you shall see all he has to show. You suffer the
+torments of the damned. You see nothing of what is going forward: some
+favourite singer or musician is performing--you hear him not; and while
+you force out some complimentary phrase, you are praying that an
+earthquake may swallow up all, or that the news of a fire may break up
+the party.
+
+Such, my friend, is your first dinner, the best you will ever get. For my
+part, give me a dinner of herbs, with liberty to eat when I will and as
+much as I will. I shall spare you the recital of the nocturnal woes that
+follow your excess. The next morning, you have to come to terms as to the
+amount of your salary, and the times of payment. Appearing in answer to
+his summons, you find two or three friends with him. He bids you be
+seated, and begins to speak. 'You have now seen the sort of way in which
+we live--no ostentation, no fuss; everything quite plain and ordinary.
+Now you will consider everything here as your own. It would be a strange
+thing, indeed, were I to entrust you with the highest responsibility of
+all, the moral guidance of myself and my children'--if there are children
+to be taught--'and yet hesitate to place the rest at your disposal.
+Something, however, must be settled. I know your moderate, independent
+spirit. I quite realize that you come to us from no mercenary motive,
+that you are influenced only by the regard and uniform respect which will
+be assured to you in this house. Still, as I say, something must be
+settled. Now, my dear sir, tell me yourself, what you think right;
+remembering that there is something to be expected at the great
+festivals; for you will not find me remiss in that respect, though I say
+nothing definite at present; and these occasions, as you know, come
+pretty frequently in the course of the year. This consideration will no
+doubt influence you in settling the amount of your salary; and apart from
+that, it sits well on men of culture like yourself, to be above the
+thought of money.' Your hopes are blasted at the words, and your proud
+spirit is tamed. The dream of the millionaire and landed proprietor fades
+away, as you gradually catch his parsimonious drift. Yet you smirk
+appreciation of the promise. You are to 'consider everything as your
+own'; there, surely, is something solid? 'Tis a draught (did you but know
+it)
+
+  That wets the lips, but leaves the palate dry.
+After an interval of embarrassment, you leave the matter to his decision.
+He declines the responsibility, and calls for the intervention of one of
+the company: let him name a sum, at once worthy of your acceptance, and
+not burdensome to his purse, which has so many more urgent calls upon it.
+'Sir,' says this officious old gentleman, who has been a toady from his
+youth, 'Sir, you are the luckiest man in Rome. Deny it if you can! You
+have gained a privilege which many a man has longed for, and is not like
+to obtain at Fortune's hands. You have been admitted to enjoy the company
+and share the hearth and home of the first citizen of our empire. Used
+aright, such a privilege will be more to you than the wealth of a Croesus
+or a Midas. Knowing as I do how many there are--persons of high standing
+--who would be glad to pay money down, merely for the honour and glory of
+the acquaintanceship, of being seen in his company, and ranking as his
+friends and intimates,--knowing this, I am at a loss for words in which
+to express my sense of your good fortune. You are not only to enjoy this
+happiness, but to be paid for enjoying it! Under the circumstances, I
+think we shall satisfy your most extravagant expectations, if we say'--
+and he names a sum which in itself is of the smallest, quite apart from
+all reference to your brilliant hopes. However, there is nothing for it
+but to submit with a good grace. It is too late now for escape; you are
+in the toils. So you open your mouth for the bit, and are very manageable
+from the first. You give your rider no occasion to keep a tight rein, or
+to use the spur; and at last by imperceptible degrees you are quite
+broken in to him.
+
+The outside world from that time watches you with envy. You dwell within
+his courts; you have free access; you are become a person of consequence.
+Yet it is now incomprehensible to you how they can suppose you to be
+happy. At the same time, you are not without a certain exultation: you
+cheat yourself from day to day with the thought that there are better
+things to come. Quite the contrary turns out to be the case. Your
+prospects, like the proverbial sacrifice of Mandrobulus, dwindle and
+contract from day to day. Gradually you get some faint glimmerings of the
+truth. It begins to dawn upon you at last, that those golden hopes were
+neither more nor less than gilded bubbles: the vexations, on the other
+hand, are realities; solid, abiding, uncompromising realities. 'And what
+are these vexations?' you will perhaps exclaim; 'I see nothing so
+vexatious about the matter; I know not what are the hardships and the
+drudgery alluded to.' Then listen. And do not confine yourself to the
+article of drudgery, but keep a sharp look-out for ignominy, for
+degradation, for everything, in short, that is unworthy of a free man.
+
+Let me remind you then, to begin with, that you are no longer free-born,
+no longer a man of family. Birth, freedom, ancestry, all these you will
+leave on the other side of the door, when you enter upon the fulfilment
+of your servile contract; for Freedom will never bear you company in that
+ignoble station. You are a slave, wince as you may at the word; and, be
+assured, a slave of many masters; a downward-looking drudge, from morning
+till night
+
+  serving for sorry wage.
+
+Then again, you are a backward pupil: Servitude was not the nurse of your
+childhood; you are getting on in years when she takes you in hand;
+accordingly, you will do her little credit, and give little satisfaction
+to your lord. Recollections of Freedom will exercise their demoralizing
+influence upon you, causing you to jib at times, and you will make
+villanous work of your new profession. Or will your aspirations after
+Freedom be satisfied, perhaps, with the thought, that you are no son of a
+Pyrrhias or a Zopyrion, no Bithynian, to be knocked down under the hammer
+of a bawling auctioneer? My dear sir, when pay-day comes round each
+month, and you mingle in the herd of Pyrrhiases and Zopyrions, and hold
+out your hand for the wage that is due to you, what is that but a sale?
+No need of an auctioneer, for the man who can cry his own wares, and
+hawks his liberty about from day to day. Wretch! (one is prompted to
+exclaim, and particularly when the culprit is a professed philosopher)
+Wretch! Were you captured and sold by a pirate or a brigand, you would
+bewail your lot, and think that Fortune had dealt hardly with you. Were a
+man to lay violent hands on you, and claim a master's rights in you, loud
+and bitter would be your outcry: 'By heaven and earth, 'tis monstrous! I
+appeal to the laws!' And now, at an age at which a born slave may begin
+to look towards Freedom, _now_ for a few pence do you sell yourself,
+your virtue and wisdom, in one parcel? And could Plato's noble words,
+could all that Chrysippus and Aristotle have said, of the blessings of
+freedom and the curse of slavery, raise no compunction in you? Do you
+count it no shame to be pitted against toadies and vulgar parasites? no
+shame to sit at the noisy banquets of a promiscuous, and for the most
+part a disreputable company, a Greek among Romans, wearing the foreign
+garb of philosophy, and stammering their tongue with a foreign accent?
+How fulsome are your flatteries on these occasions! how indecent your
+tipplings! And next morning the bell rings, and up you must get, losing
+the best of your sleep, to trudge up and down with yesterday's mud still
+on your shoes. Were lupines and wild herbs so scarce with you? had the
+springs ceased to give their wonted supply, that you were brought to such
+a pass? No, the cause of your captivity is too clear. Not water, not
+lupines were the object of your desire, but dainty viands and fragrant
+wines; and your sin has found you out: you are hooked like a pike by your
+greedy jaws. We have not far to look for the reward of gluttony. Like a
+monkey with a collar about its neck, you are kept to make amusement for
+the company; fancying yourself supremely happy, because you are unstinted
+in the matter of dried figs. As to freedom and generosity, they are fled,
+with the memories of Greece, and have left no trace behind them. And
+would that that were all, the disgrace of falling from freedom to
+servitude! Would that your employments were not those of a very menial!
+Consider: are your duties any lighter than those of a Dromo or a Tibius?
+As to the studies in which your employer professed an interest when he
+engaged you, they are nothing to him. Shall an ass affect the lyre?
+Remove from these men's minds the gold and the silver, with the cares
+that these involve, and what remains? Pride, luxury, sensuality,
+insolence, wantonness, ignorance. Consuming must be their desire, doubt
+it not, for the wisdom of Homer, the eloquence of Demosthenes, the
+sublimity of Plato!
+
+No, your employer has no need of your services in this direction. On the
+other hand, you have a long beard and a venerable countenance; the
+Grecian cloak hangs admirably upon your shoulders, and you are known to
+be a professor of rhetoric, or literature, or philosophy; it will not be
+amiss, he thinks, to have such pursuits represented in the numerous
+retinue that marches before him. It will give him an air of Grecian
+culture, of liberal curiosity in fact. Friend, friend! your stock-in-
+trade would seem to be not words of wisdom, but a cloak and a beard. If
+you would do your duty, therefore, be always well in evidence; begin your
+unfailing attendance from the early hours of the morning, and never quit
+his side. Now and again he places a hand upon your shoulder, and mutters
+some nonsense for the benefit of the passers-by, who are to understand
+that though he walk abroad the Muses are not forgotten, that in all his
+comings and goings he can find elegant employment for his mind.
+Breathless and perspiring, you trot, a pitiable spectacle, at the
+litter's side; or if he walks--you know what Rome is--, up hill and down
+dale after him you tramp. While he is paying a call on a friend, you are
+left outside, where, for lack of a seat, you are fain to take out your
+book and read standing.
+
+Night finds you hungry and thirsty. You snatch an apology for a bath; and
+it is midnight or near it before you get to dinner. You are no longer an
+honoured guest; no longer do you engage the attention of the company. You
+have retired to make room for some newer capture. Thrust into the most
+obscure corner, you sit watching the progress of dinner, gnawing in
+canine sort any bones that come down to you and regaling yourself with
+hungry zest on such tough mallow-leaves--the wrappers of daintier fare--
+as may escape the vigilance of those who sit above you. No slight is
+wanting. You have not so much as an egg to call your own; for there is no
+reason why you should expect to be treated in the same way as a stranger;
+that would be absurd. The birds that fall to your lot are not like other
+birds. Your neighbour gets some plump, luscious affair; you, a poor half-
+chicken, or lean pigeon, an insult, a positive outrage in poultry. As
+often as not, an extra guest appears unexpectedly, and the waiter solves
+the difficulty by removing your share (with the whispered consolation
+that you are 'one of the family'), and placing it before the new-comer.
+When the joint, be it pork or venison, is brought in to be carved, let us
+hope that you stand well with the carver, or you will receive a
+Promethean helping of 'bones wrapped up in fat.' And the way in which a
+dish is whisked past you, after remaining with your neighbour till he can
+eat no more!--what free man would endure it, though he were as innocent
+of gall as any stag? And I have said nothing yet of the wine. While the
+other guests are drinking of some rare old vintage, you have vile thick
+stuff, whose colour you must industriously conceal with the help of a
+gold or silver cup, lest it should betray the estimation in which the
+drinker is held. It would be something if you could get enough even of
+this. Alas! you may call and call: the waiter is
+
+  as one that marketh not.
+
+Many are your grievances; nay, all is one huge grievance. And the climax
+is reached, when you find yourself eclipsed by some minion, some dancing-
+master, some vile Alexandrian patterer of Ionic lays. How should you hope
+to rank with the minister of Love's pleasures, with the stealthy conveyer
+of billets-doux? You cower shamefaced in your corner, and bewail your
+hard lot, as well you may; cursing your luck that you have never a
+smattering of such graceful accomplishments yourself. I believe you wish
+that _you_ could turn love-songs, or sing other men's with a good
+grace; perceiving as you do what a thing it is to be in request. Nay, you
+could find it in you to play the wizard's, the fortune-teller's part; to
+deal in thrones and in millions of money. For these, too, you observe,
+make their way in the world, and are high in favour. Gladly would you
+enter on any one of these vocations, rather than be a useless castaway.
+Alas, even these are beyond you; you lack plausibility. It remains for
+you to give place to others; to endure neglect, and keep your complaints
+to yourself.
+
+Nay, more. Should some slave whisper that you alone withheld your praise,
+when his mistress's favourite danced or played, the neglect may cost you
+dear. Then let your dry throat be as busy as any thirsty frog's. See to
+it, that your voice is heard leading the chorus of applause; and time
+after time, when all else are silent, throw in some studied servile
+compliment. The situation is not without humour. Hungry as you are, ay,
+and thirsty into the bargain, you must anoint yourself with oil of
+gladness, and crown your head with garlands. It reminds one of the
+offerings made by recent mourners at a tomb. The tomb gets the ointment
+and the garlands, while the mourners drink and enjoy the feast.
+
+If your patron is of a jealous disposition, and has a young wife or
+handsome children, and you are not wholly without personal attractions,
+then beware! you are on dangerous ground. Many are the ears of a king,
+and many the eyes, that see not the truth only, but ever something over
+and above the truth, lest they should seem to fail of their office.
+Imagine yourself, therefore, at a Persian banquet. Keep your eyes
+downwards, lest a eunuch should catch them resting on one of the
+concubines. For see, there stands another with his bow ever on the
+stretch: one glance at the forbidden object as you raise your cup, and
+his arrow is through your jaw before you can put it down.
+
+And now dinner is over; you retire, and snatch a little sleep. But at
+cock-crow you are aroused. 'Wretch! Worm that I am!' you exclaim. 'To
+sacrifice the pursuits, the society of former days, the placid life
+wherein sleep was measured by inclination, and my comings and goings were
+unfettered, and all to precipitate myself bodily into this hideous gulf!
+And why? What, in God's name, is my glorious recompense? Was there no
+other way? Could I not have provided for myself better than this, and
+preserved liberty and free-will into the bargain? Alas! the lion is fast
+bound in the net. I am haled hither and thither. Pitiable is my lot,
+where no honour is to be won, no favour to be hoped for. Untaught,
+unpractised in the arts of flattery, I am pitted against professionals. I
+am no choice spirit, no jolly companion; to raise a laugh is beyond me.
+My presence (well do I know it) is a vexation to my patron, and then most
+when he is in his most gracious mood. He finds me sullen; and how to
+attune myself to him I know not. If I wear a grim face, I am a sour
+fellow, scarcely to be endured. If I assume my most cheerful expression,
+my smiles arouse his contempt and disgust. As well attempt to act a comic
+part in the mask of tragedy! And what is the end of it all? My present
+life has been another's: do I look to have a new life which shall be my
+own?'
+
+Your soliloquy is interrupted by the bell. The old routine awaits you:
+you must trudge, and you must stand; and first anoint your limbs, if you
+would hold out to the end. Dinner will be the same as ever, and go on as
+late as ever. The change from all your former habits, the wakeful night,
+the violent exercise, the exhaustion, are slowly undermining your health
+at this moment, and preparing you for consumption or colic, for asthma or
+the delights of gout. However, you hold out in spite of all, though many
+a time your right place would be in bed. But that would never do: that
+looks like shamming, like shirking your work. The result is that you grow
+as pallid as a man at the point of death.
+
+So much for your city life. And now for an excursion into the country.
+I will content myself with a single detail. As likely as not it is a wet
+day. Your turn for the carriage (as might be expected) comes last. You
+wait and wait, till at last its return is out of the question, and you
+are squeezed into some vehicle with the cook, or with my lady's _friseur_,
+without even a proper allowance of straw. I shall make no scruple of
+relating to you an experience of Thesmopolis the Stoic, which I had from
+his own mouth; a most amusing incident, and just the sort of thing one
+might expect to find happening again. He was in the service of a certain
+wealthy and luxurious lady of quality, whom on one occasion he had to
+accompany on a journey from Rome. The fun began at once. The philosopher
+received as his travelling companion a beardless exquisite of the
+pitch-plastering persuasion, by whom, you may be certain, my lady set
+great store; his name, she informed the philosopher, was 'Robinetta.' Is
+not this a promising start?--the grave and reverend Thesmopolis, with his
+hoary beard (you know what a long, venerable affair it is), side by side
+with this rouged and painted ogler, whose drooping neck and plucked
+throat suggested the vulture rather than the robin! 'Twas all that
+Thesmopolis could do to persuade him not to wear his hair-net; and as it
+was he had a sad journey of it, with the fellow singing and whistling all
+the time--I daresay he would have danced there and then, if Thesmopolis
+had not prevented him. But there was more to come, as you will see.
+'Thesmopolis,' cries my lady, calling him to her, 'I have a great favour
+to ask of you; now please don't say no, and don't wait to be asked twice,
+there's a good creature.' Of course, he said he would do anything she
+wished. 'I only ask you, because I know you are to be trusted; you are so
+good-natured and affectionate! I want you to take my little dog Myrrhina
+in with you, and see that she wants for nothing. Poor little lady! she is
+soon to become a mother. These hateful, inattentive servants take no
+notice of _me_ when we are travelling, much less of her. You will be doing
+me a great kindness, I assure you, in taking charge of her; I am so fond
+of the sweet little pet!' She prayed and almost wept; and Thesmopolis
+promised. Imagine the ludicrous picture. The little beast peeping out from
+beneath the philosophic cloak; within licking distance of that beard,
+which perhaps still held traces of the thick soup of yesterday; yapping
+away with its shrill pipe of a voice, as Maltese terriers will; and no
+doubt taking other liberties, which Thesmopolis did not think worth
+mentioning. That night at dinner, the exquisite, his fellow traveller,
+after cracking a passable joke here and there at the expense of the other
+guests, came to Thesmopolis. 'Of him,' he remarked, 'I have only this to
+say, that our Stoic has turned Cynic.' According to what I heard, the
+little animal actually littered in his mantle!
+
+Such are the caprices, nay, the insults, let me rather say, with which
+the patron gradually breaks the spirit of his dependants. I know myself
+of an orator, a very free speaker, who was actually ordered to stand up
+and deliver a speech at table; and a masterly speech it was, trenchant
+and terse. He received the congratulations of the company on being timed
+by a _wine_--instead of a _water_-clock; and this affront, it is said, he
+was content to put up, for the consideration of 8 pounds. But what of
+that? Wait till you get a patron who has poetical or historical
+tendencies, and spouts passages of his own works all through dinner: you
+must praise, you must flatter, you must devise original compliments for
+him,--or die in the attempt. Then there are the beaux, the Adonises and
+Hyacinths, as you must be careful to call them, undeterred by the
+eighteen inches or so of nose that some of them carry on their faces. Do
+your praises halt? 'Tis envy, 'tis treason! Away with you, Philoxenus
+that you are, to Syracusan quarries!--Let them be orators, let them be
+philosophers, if they will: what matter for a solecism here and there?
+Find Attic elegance, find honey of Hymettus in every word; and pronounce
+it law henceforth, to speak as they speak.
+
+If we had only men to deal with, it would be something: but there are the
+women too. For among the objects of feminine ambition is this, of having
+a scholar or two in their pay, to dance attendance at the litter's side;
+it adds one more to the list of their adornments, if they can get the
+reputation of culture and philosophy, of turning a song which will bear
+comparison with Sappho's. So they too keep their philosopher, their
+orator, or their _litterateur_; and give him audience--when, think
+you? Why, at the toilet, by all that is ridiculous, among the rouge-pots
+and hair-brushes; or else at the dinner-table. They have no leisure at
+other times. As it is, the philosopher is often interrupted by the
+entrance of a maid with a billet-doux. Virtue has then to bide her time;
+for the audience will not be resumed till the gallant has his answer.
+
+At rare intervals, at the Saturnalia or the Feast of Minerva, you will be
+presented with a sorry cloak, or a worn-out tunic; and a world of
+ceremony will go to the presentation. The first who gets wind of the
+great man's intention flies to you with the news of what is in store
+for you; and the bringer of glad tidings does not go away empty-handed. The
+next morning a dozen of them arrive, conveying the present, each with his
+tale of how he spoke up for you, or the hints he threw out, or how he was
+entrusted with the choice, and chose the best. Not a man of them but
+departs with your money in his pocket, grumbling that it is no more.
+
+As to that salary, it will be paid to you sixpence at a time, and there
+will be black looks when you ask for it. Still, you must get it somehow.
+Ply your patron therefore with flatteries and entreaties, and pay due
+observance to his steward, and let it be the kind of observance that
+stewards like best; nor must you forget your kind introducer. You do get
+something at last; but it all goes to pay the tailor, the doctor, or the
+shoemaker, and you are left the proud possessor of nothing at all.
+
+Meanwhile, jealousy is rife, and some slander is perhaps working its
+stealthy way to ears which are predisposed to hear anything to your
+discredit. For your employer perceives that by this time incessant
+fatigues have worn you out; you are crippled, you are good for nothing
+more, and gout is coming on. All the profit that was to be had of you, he
+has effectually sucked out. Your prime has gone by, your bodily vigour is
+exhausted, you are a tattered remnant. He begins to look about for a
+convenient dunghill whereon to deposit you, and for an able-bodied
+substitute to do your work. You have attempted the honour of one of his
+minions: you have been trying to corrupt his wife's maid, venerable
+sinner that you are!--any accusation will serve. You are gagged and
+turned out neck and crop into the darkness. Away you go, helpless and
+destitute, with gout for the cheering companion of your old age. Whatever
+you once knew, you have unlearnt in all these years: on the other hand,
+you have developed a paunch like a balloon; a monster insatiable,
+inexorable, which has acquired a habit of asking for more, and likes not
+at all the unlearning process. It is not to be supposed that any one else
+will give you employment, at your age; you are like an old horse, whose
+very hide has deteriorated in value. Not to mention that the worst
+interpretation will be put upon your late dismissal; you will be credited
+with adultery, or poisoning, or something of that kind. Your accuser, you
+see, is convincing even in silence; whereas you--you are a loose-
+principled, unscrupulous _Greek_. That is the character we Greeks
+bear; and it serves us right; I see excellent grounds for the opinion
+they have of us. Greek after Greek who enters their service sets up (in
+default of any other practical knowledge) for wizard or poisoner, and
+deals in love-charms and evil spells; and these are they who talk of
+culture, who wear grey beards and philosophic cloaks! When these, who are
+accounted the best of us, stand thus exposed, when men observe their
+interested servility, their gross flatteries at table and elsewhere, it
+is not to be wondered at that we have all fallen under suspicion. Those
+whom they have cast off, they hate, and seek to make an end of them
+altogether; arguing, naturally enough, that men who know their secrets,
+and have seen them in all their nakedness, may divulge many a foible
+which will not bear the light; and the thought is torment to them. The
+fact is, that these great men are for all the world like handsomely bound
+books. Outside are the gilt edges and the purple cover: and within? a
+Thyestes feasts upon his own children; an Oedipus commits incest with his
+mother; a Tereus woos two sisters at once. Such are these human books:
+their brilliancy attracts all eyes, but between the purple covers lurks
+many a horrid tale. Turn over the pages of any one of them, and you find
+a drama worthy the pen of Sophocles or Euripides: close the volume--all
+is gilt edge and exquisite tooling. Well may they hate the confidants of
+such crimes, and plot their destruction! What if the outcast should take
+to rehearsing in public the tragedy that he has got by heart?
+
+I am minded to give you, after the manner of Cebes, a life-picture of
+Dependence; with this before your eyes, you may judge for yourself,
+whether it is the life for you. I would gladly call in the aid of an
+Apelles or a Parrhasius, an Aetion or a Euphranor, but no such perfect
+painters are to be found in these days; I must sketch you the picture in
+outline as best I can. I begin then with tall golden gates, not set in
+the plain, but high upon a hill. Long and steep and slippery is the
+ascent; and many a time when a man looks to reach the top, his foot
+slips, and he is plunged headlong. Within the gates sits Wealth, a figure
+all of gold (so at least she seems); most fair, most lovely. Her lover
+painfully scales the height, and draws near to the door; and that golden
+sight fills him with amazement. The beautiful woman in gorgeous raiment
+who now takes him by the hand is Hope. As she leads him in, his spirit is
+stricken with awe. Hope still shows the way; but two others, Despair and
+Servitude, now take charge of him, and conduct him to Toil, who grinds
+the poor wretch down with labour, and at last hands him over to Age. He
+looks sickly now, and all his colour is gone. Last comes Contempt, and
+laying violent hands on him drags him into the presence of Despair; it is
+now time for Hope to take wing and vanish. Naked, potbellied, pale and
+old, he is thrust forth, not by those golden gates by which he entered,
+but by some obscure back-passage. One hand covers his nakedness; with the
+other he would fain strangle himself. Now let Regret meet him without,
+dropping vain tears and heaping misery on misery,--and my picture is
+complete.
+
+Examine it narrowly in all its details, and see whether you like the idea
+of going in at my golden front door, to be expelled ignominiously at the
+back. And whichever way you decide, remember the words of the wise man:
+'Blame not Heaven, but your own choice.'
+
+
+
+
+APOLOGY FOR 'THE DEPENDENT SCHOLAR'
+
+
+DEAR SABINUS,
+
+I have been guessing how you are likely to have expressed yourself upon
+reading my essay about dependants. I feel pretty sure you read it all and
+had a laugh over it; but it is your running and general comment in words
+that I am trying to piece on to it. If I am any good at divination, this
+is the sort of thing: _To think that a man can set down such a scathing
+indictment of the life, and then forget it all, get hold of the other end
+of the stick, and plunge headlong into such manifest conspicuous slavery!
+Take Midas, Croesus, golden Pactolus, roll them into one, multiply them,
+and could they induce him to relinquish the freedom which he has loved
+and consorted with from a child? He is nearly in the clutches of Aeacus,
+one foot is on the ferryman's boat, and it is now that he lets himself be
+dragged submissively about by a golden collar._ [Footnote: Omitting as
+a scholium, with Dindorf and Fritzsche, the words: hoia esti ton
+tryphonton plousion ta sphingia kai ta kourallia.] _There is some
+slight inconsistency between his life and his treatise; the rivers are
+running up-hill; topsy-turvydom prevails; our recantations are new-
+fashioned; the first palinodist_ [Footnote: See _Stesichorus_ in
+Notes.] _mended words with words for Helen of Troy; but we spoil words
+(those words we thought so wise) with deeds._
+
+Such, I imagine, were your inward remarks. And I dare say you will give
+me some overt advice to the same effect; well, it will not be ill-timed;
+it will illustrate your friendship, and do you credit as a good man and a
+philosopher. If I render your part respectably for you, that will do, and
+we will pay our homage to the God of words; [Footnote: i.e. Hermes.] if I
+fail, you will fill in the deficiency for yourself. There, the stage is
+ready; I am to hold my tongue, and submit to any necessary carving and
+cauterizing for my good, and you are to plaster me, and have your scalpel
+handy, and your iron red-hot. Sabinus takes the word, and thus addresses
+me:
+
+_My dear friend, this treatise of yours has quite rightly been earning
+you a fine reputation, from its first delivery before the great audience
+I had described to me, to its private use by the educated who have
+consulted and thumbed it since. For indeed it presents the case
+meritoriously; there is study of detail and experience of life in
+abundance; your views are the reverse of vague; and above all the book is
+practically useful, chiefly but not exclusively to the educated whom it
+might save from an unforeseen slavery. However, your mind is changed; the
+life you described is now the better; good-bye to freedom; your motto is
+that contemptible line:
+
+  Give me but gain, I'll turn from free to slave.
+
+Let none hear the lecture from you again, then; see to it that no copy of
+it comes under the eyes of any one aware of your present life; ask Hermes
+to bring Lethe-water from below, enough to drug your former hearers; else
+you will remind us of the Corinthian tale, and your writing, like
+Bellerophon's, be your own condemnation. I assure you I see no decent
+defence you can make, at least if your detractors have the humour to
+commend the independence of the writings while the writer is a slave and
+a voluntary beast of burden before their eyes.
+
+They will say with some plausibility: Either the book is some other
+good man's work, and you a jackdaw strutting in borrowed, plumes; or, if
+it is really yours, you are a second Salaethus; the Crotoniate legislator
+made most severe laws against adultery, was much looked up to on the
+strength of it, and was shortly after taken in adultery with his
+brother's wife. You are an exact reproduction of Salaethus, they will
+say; or rather he was not half so bad as you, seeing that he was mastered
+by passion, as he pleaded in court, and moreover preferred to leap
+into the flames, like a brave man, when the Crotoniates were moved to
+compassion and gave him the alternative of exile. The difference between
+_your_ precept and practice is infinitely more ridiculous; you draw
+a realistic word-picture of that servile life; you pour contempt on the
+man who runs into the trap of a rich man's house, where a thousand
+degradations, half of them self-inflicted, await him; and then in extreme
+old age, when you are on the border between life and death, you take this
+miserable servitude upon you and make a sort of circus exhibition of your
+chains. The conspicuousness of your position will only make the more
+ridiculous that contrast between your book and your life.
+
+But I need not beat my brains for phrases of reprobation; there is one
+good enough in a noble tragedy:
+
+  Wisdom begins at home; no wisdom, else.
+
+And your censors will find no lack of illustrations against you; some
+will compare you to the tragic actor; on the stage he is Agamemnon or
+Creon or great Heracles; but off it, stripped of his mask, he is just
+Polus or Aristodemus, a hireling liable to be hissed off, or even whipped
+on occasion, at the pleasure of the audience. Others will say you have
+had the experience of Queen Cleopatra's monkey: the docile creature used
+to dance in perfect form and time, and was much admired for the
+regularity and decorum of its movements, adapted to the voices and
+instruments of a bridal chorus; alas, one day it spied a fig or almond a
+little way off on the ground; flutes and measures and steps were all
+forgotten, the mask was far off in several pieces, and there was he
+chewing his find.
+
+You, they will say, are the author (for 'actor' would understate the
+case) who has laid down the laws of noble conduct; and no sooner is the
+lump of figs presented than the monkey is revealed; your lips are the
+lips of a philosopher, and your heart is quite other; it is no injustice
+to say that those sentiments for which you claim admiration have 'wetted
+your lips, and left your palate dry.' You have not had to wait long for
+retribution; you spoke unadvisedly in scorn of human needs; and, this
+little while after, behold you making public renunciation of your
+freedom! Surely Nemesis was standing behind your back as you drank in the
+flattering tributes to your superiority; did she not smile in her divine
+fore-knowledge of the impending change, and mark how you forgot to
+propitiate her before you assailed the victims whom fortune's mutability
+had reduced to such courses?
+
+Now I want you to imagine a rhetorician writing on the theme that
+Aeschines, after his indictment of Timarchus, was himself proved guilty
+by eyewitnesses of similar iniquity; would, or would not, the amusement
+of the audience be heightened by the fact that he had got Timarchus
+punished for offences excused by youth, whereas he was himself an old man
+at the time of his own guilt? Why, you are like the quack who offered a
+cough-mixture which was to cure instantaneously, and could hardly get the
+promise out for coughing._
+
+Yes, Sabinus, and there is plenty more of the same sort for an accuser
+like you to urge; the subject is all handles; you can take hold of it
+anywhere. I have been looking about for my best line of defence. Had I
+better turn craven, face right-about, confess my sin, and have recourse
+to the regular plea of Chance, Fate, Necessity? Shall I humbly beseech my
+critics to pardon me, remembering that nothing is in a man's own choice--
+we are led by some stronger power, one of the three I mentioned, probably,
+and are not true agents but guiltless altogether, whatever we say or do?
+Or will you tell me this might do well enough for one of the common herd,
+but you cannot have _me_ sheltering myself so? _I_ must not brief Homer;
+it will not serve me to plead:
+
+  No mortal man e'er yet escaped his fate;
+
+nor again,
+
+  His thread was spun, then when his mother bare him.
+
+On the other hand, I might avoid that plea as wanting in plausibility,
+and say that I did not accept this association under the temptation of
+money or any prospects of that kind, but in pure admiration of the
+wisdom, strength, and magnanimity of my patron's character, which
+inspired the wish to partake his activity. But I fear I should only have
+brought on myself the additional imputation of flattery. It would be a
+case of 'one nail drives out one nail,' and this time the one left in
+would be the bigger; for flattery is the most servile, and consequently
+reckoned the worst, of all vices.
+
+Both these pleas, then, being excluded, what is left me but to confess
+that I have no sound defence to make? I have indeed one anchor yet
+aboard: I may whine over age and ill health, and their attendant poverty,
+from which a man will purchase escape at any cost. The situation tempts
+me to send an invitation to Euripides's _Medea_: will she come and
+recite certain lines of hers on my behalf, kindly making the slight
+changes needed?--
+
+  Too well I know how monstrous is the deed;
+  My poverty, but not my will, consents.
+
+And every one knows the place in Theognis, whether I quote it or not,
+where he approves of people's flinging themselves to the unplumbed deep
+from sky-pointing crags, if one may be quit of poverty that way.
+
+That about exhausts the obvious lines of defence; and none of them is
+very promising. But never fear, my friend, I am not going to try any of
+them. May never Argos be so hard put to it that Cyllarabis must be sown!
+nor ever I be in such straits for a tolerable defence as to be driven
+upon these evasions! No, I only ask you to consider the vast difference
+between being a hireling in a rich man's house, where one is a slave, and
+must put up with all that is described in my book--between that and
+entering the public service, doing one's best as an administrator, and
+taking the Emperor's pay for it. Go fully into the matter; take the two
+things separately and have a good look at them; you will find that they
+are two octaves apart, as the musical people say; the two lives are about
+as like each other as lead is to silver, bronze to gold, an anemone to a
+rose, a monkey to a man; there is pay, and there is subordination, in
+each case; but the essence of the two things is utterly different. In one
+we have manifest slavery; the new-comers who accept the terms are barely
+distinguishable from the human chattels a man has bought or bred; but
+persons who have the management of public business, and give their
+services to states and nations, are not to have insinuations aimed at
+them just because they are paid; that single point of resemblance is not
+to level them down to the others. If that is to be the principle, we had
+better do away with all such offices at once; governors of whole
+provinces, prefects of cities, commanders of legions and armies, will all
+fall under the same condemnation; for they are paid. But of course
+everything is not to be upset to suit a single case; all who receive pay
+are not to be lumped together.
+
+It is all a mistake; I never said that all drawers of salaries lived a
+degraded life; I only pitied those domestic slaves who have been caught
+by compliments on their culture. My position, you see, is entirely
+different; my private relations are as they were before, though in a
+public capacity I am now an active part of the great Imperial machine. If
+you care to inquire, you will find that my charge is not the least
+important in the government of Egypt. I control the cause-list, see that
+trials are properly conducted, keep a record of all proceedings and
+pleas, exercise censorship over forensic oratory, and edit the Emperor's
+rescripts with a view to their official and permanent preservation in the
+most lucid, accurate, and genuine form. My salary comes from no private
+person, but from the Emperor; and it is considerable, amounting to many
+hundreds. In the future too there is before _me_ the brilliant prospect of
+attaining in due course to a governorship or other distinguished
+employment.
+
+Accordingly I am now going to throw off reserve, come to grips with the
+charge against me, and prove my case _a fortiori_. I tell you that nobody
+does anything for nothing; you may point to people in high places--as high
+as you like; the Emperor himself is paid. I am not referring to the taxes
+and tribute which flow in annually from subjects; the chief item in the
+Emperor's pay is panegyrics, world-wide fame, and grateful devotion; the
+statues, temples, and consecrated ground which their subjects bestow upon
+them, what are these but pay for the care and forethought which they apply
+to public policy and improvements? To compare small things with great, if
+you will begin at the top of the heap and work down through the grains of
+which it is composed, you will find that we inferior ones differ from the
+superior in point of size, but all are wage-earners together.
+
+If the law I laid down had been that no one should do anything, I might
+fairly have been accused of transgressing it; but as my book contains
+nothing of the sort, and as goodness consists in doing good, what better
+use can you make of yourself than if you join forces with your friends in
+the cause of progress, come out into the open, and let men see that you
+are loyal and zealous and careful of your trust, not what Homer calls a
+vain cumberer of the earth?
+
+But before all, my critics are to remember that in me they will be
+criticizing not a wise man (if indeed there is such a person on earth),
+but one of the common people, one who has indeed practised rhetoric and
+won some little reputation therein, but has never been trained up to the
+perfect virtue of the really great. Well, I may surely be forgiven for
+that; if any one ever did come up to the ideal of the wise man, it has
+not been my fortune to meet him. And I confess further that I should be
+disappointed if I found you criticizing my present life; you knew me long
+ago when I was making a handsome income out of the public profession of
+rhetoric; for on that Atlantic tour of yours which included Gaul, you
+found me numbered among those teachers who could command high fees. Now,
+my friend, you have my defence; I am exceedingly busy, but could not be
+indifferent to securing _your_ vote of acquittal; as for others, let
+them all denounce me with one voice if they will; on them I shall waste
+no more words than, What cares Hippoclides?
+
+
+
+
+A SLIP OF THE TONGUE IN SALUTATION
+[Footnote: This piece, which even in the Greek fails to convince us that
+Asclepius heard the prayer with which it concludes, is still flatter in
+English, because we have no words of salutation which correspond at once
+in etymological meaning and in conventional usage to the Greek. The
+English reader who cares to understand a piece so little worth his
+attention, will obligingly bear in mind that the Greek word represented
+here by Joy and Rejoice roughly answered in Lucian's time to our Good-
+morning and How do you do, as well as to the epistolary My dear----;
+while that represented by Hail or Health did the work of Good-night,
+Good-bye, Farewell, and (in letters) Yours truly.]
+
+
+If a poor mortal has some difficulty in guarding against that spirit of
+mischief which dwells aloft, he has still more in clearing himself of the
+absurd consequences when that spirit trips him up. I am in both
+predicaments at once; coming to make you my morning salutation, which
+should have taken the orthodox form of Rejoice, I bade you, in a very
+choice fit of absent-mindedness, Be healthy--a good enough wish in its
+way, but a little untimely and unconnected with that early hour. I at
+once went moist and red, not quite aware whether I was on my head or my
+heels; some of the company took me for a lunatic, no doubt, some thought
+I was in my second childhood, some that I had not quite got over my last
+night's wine--though you yourself were the pink of good manners, not
+showing your consciousness of the slip by any ghost of a smile. It
+occurred to me to write to myself a little something in the way of
+comfort, and so modify the distress my blunder gave me--prove to myself
+that it was not absolutely unpardonable for an old man to transgress
+etiquette so flagrantly before so many witnesses. As to apology, there
+could be no occasion for that, when one's slip had resulted in so well-
+omened a wish.
+
+I began to write expecting my task to be very difficult, but found plenty
+of material as I went on. I will defer it, however, till I have cleared
+the way with a few necessary remarks on the three forms--Rejoice or Joy,
+Prosper or Prosperity, Hail or Health. Joy is a very ancient greeting; but
+it was not confined to the morning, or the first meeting. They did
+use it when they first saw one another:
+
+  Joy to thee, Lord of this Tirynthian land!
+
+But again at the moment when the wine succeeded to the meal:
+
+  Achilles, Joy! We lack not fair repast--
+
+so says Odysseus discharging his embassy. And even at parting:
+
+  Joy be with you! And henceforth know me God,
+  No longer mortal man.
+
+In fact the apostrophe was not limited to any particular season, as now
+to the morning alone; indeed they used it on gloomy, nay, on the most
+lamentable occasions; in Euripides, Polynices ends his life with the
+words,
+
+  Joy with you! for the darkness closes on me.
+
+Nor was it necessarily significative of friendliness; it could express
+hatred and the determination to see no more of another. To wish much joy
+to, was a regular form for ceasing to care about.
+
+The modern use of the word dates back to Philippides the dispatch-runner.
+Bringing the news of Marathon, he found the archons seated, in suspense
+regarding the issue of the battle. 'Joy, we win!' he said, and died upon
+his message, breathing his last in the word Joy. The earliest letter
+beginning with it is that in which Cleon the Athenian demagogue, writing
+from Sphacteria, sends the good news of his victory and capture of
+Spartans at that place. However, later than that we find Nicias writing
+from Sicily and keeping to the older custom of coming to business at once
+with no such introduction.
+
+Now the admirable Plato, no bad authority on such matters, would have us
+reject the salutation Joy altogether; it is a mean wish, wanting in
+seriousness, according to him; his substitute is Prosperity, which stands
+for a satisfactory condition both of body and soul; in a letter to
+Dionysius, he reproves him for commencing a hymn to Apollo with Joy,
+which he maintains is unworthy of the Pythian, and not fit even for men
+of any discretion, not to mention Gods.
+
+Pythagoras the mystic has vouchsafed us no writings of his own; but we
+may infer from his disciples, Ocellus the Lucanian and Archytas, for
+instance, that he headed his letters neither with Joy nor Prosperity, but
+recommended beginning with Hail. At any rate all the Pythagoreans in
+writing to one another (when their tone is serious, that is) started with
+wishing Health, which they took to be the prime need of soul and body
+alike, and to include all human blessings. The Pentagram [Footnote: See
+_Pythagoras_ in Notes.], that interlaced triple triangle which served them
+as a sort of password, they called by the name Health. They argued that
+Health included Joy and Prosperity, but that neither of those two was
+coextensive with Health. Some of them gave to the Quaternion, [Footnote:
+See _Pythagoras_ in Notes.] which is their most solemn oath, and sums
+their perfect number, the name of Beginning of Health. Philolaus might be
+quoted.
+
+But I need hardly go so far back. Epicurus assuredly rejoiced in joy--
+pleasure was the chief Good in his eyes; yet in his most earnest letters
+(which are not very numerous), and in those to his most intimate friends,
+he starts with Hail. And in tragedy and the old comedy you will
+constantly find it used quite at the beginning. You remember,
+
+  Hail to thee, joy be thine--
+
+which puts health before rejoicing clearly enough. And says Alexis:
+
+  All hail, my lord; after long time thou comest.
+
+Again Achaeus:
+
+  I come in sorry plight, yet wish thee health.
+
+And Philemon:
+
+  Health first I ask, and next prosperity,
+  Joy thirdly, and to owe not any man.
+
+As for the writer of the drinking-song mentioned in Plato, what says
+he?--'Best is health, and second beauty, and third wealth'; joy he
+never so much as names. I need hardly adduce the trite saw:
+
+  Chief of them that blessings give,
+  Health, with thee I mean to live.
+
+But, if Health is chief, her gift, which is the enjoyment of health,
+should rank before other Goods.
+
+I could multiply these examples by the thousand from poets, historians,
+philosophers, who give Health the place of honour; but you will not
+require any such childish pedantry of me, wiping out my original offence
+by another; I shall do better to add a historical anecdote or two which
+occur to me as relevant.
+
+Eumenes of Cardia, writing to Antipater, states that just before the
+battle of Issus, Hephaestion came at dawn into Alexander's tent. Either
+in absence of mind and confusion like mine, or else under a divine
+impulse, he gave the evening salutation like me--'Hail, sire; 'tis time
+we were at our posts.' All present were confounded at the irregularity,
+and Hephaestion himself was like to die of shame, when Alexander said, 'I
+take the omen; it is a promise that we shall come back safe from battle.'
+
+Antiochus Soter, about to engage the Galatians, dreamed that Alexander
+stood over him and told him to give his men the password Health; and with
+this word it was that he won that marvellous victory.
+
+Ptolemy, the son of Lagus, in a letter to Seleucus, just reversed the
+usual order, bidding him Hail at the beginning, and adding Rejoice at the
+end instead of wishing him Health; this is recorded by Dionysodorus, the
+collector of his letters.
+
+The case of Pyrrhus the Epirot is well worth mention; as a general he was
+only second to Alexander, and he experienced a thousand vicissitudes of
+fortune. In all his prayers, sacrifices, and offerings, he never asked
+for victory or increase of his royal dignity, for fame or excessive
+wealth; his whole prayer was always in one word, Health; as long as he
+had that, he thought all else would come of itself. And it was true
+wisdom, in my opinion; he remembered that all other good things are
+worthless, if health is wanting.
+
+Oh, certainly (says some one); but we have assigned each form to its
+proper place by this time; and if you disregard that--even though there
+was no bad meaning in what you did say--you cannot fairly claim to have
+made no mistake; it is as though one should put a helmet on the shins, or
+greaves on the head. My dear sir (I reply), your simile would go on all
+fours if there were any season at all which did not require health; but
+in point of fact it is needed in the morning and at noonday and at night
+--especially by busy rulers like you Romans, to whom physical condition
+is so important. And again, the man who gives you Joy is only beginning
+auspiciously; it is no more than a prayer; whereas he who bids you Hail
+is doing you a practical service in reminding you of the means to health;
+his is more than a prayer, it is a precept.
+
+Why, in that book of instructions which you all receive from the Emperor,
+is not the first recommendation to take care of your health? Quite
+rightly; that is the condition precedent of efficiency. Moreover, if I
+know any Latin, you yourselves, in _returning_ a salutation, constantly
+use the equivalent of Health.
+
+However, all this does not mean that I have deliberately abandoned
+Rejoice and substituted Hail for it. I admit that it was quite
+unintentional; I am not so foolish as to innovate like that, and exchange
+the regular formulae.
+
+No, I only thank Heaven that my stumble had such very fortunate results,
+landing me in a better position than I had designed; may it not be that
+Health itself, or Asclepius, inspired me to give you this promise of
+health? How else should it have befallen me? In the course of a long life
+I have never been guilty of such a confusion before.
+
+Or, if I may not have recourse to the supernatural, it is no wonder that
+my extreme desire to be known to you for good should so confuse me as to
+work the contrary effect. Possibly, too, one might be robbed of one's
+presence of mind by the crowd of military persons pushing for precedence,
+or treating the salutation ceremony in their cavalier fashion.
+
+As to yourself, I feel sure that, however others may have referred it to
+stupidity, ignorance, or lunacy, you took it as the sign of a modest,
+simple, unspoiled, unsophisticated soul. Absolute confidence in such
+matters comes dangerously near audacity and impudence. My first wish
+would be to make no such blunder; my second that, if I did, the resulting
+omen should be good.
+
+There is a story told of the first Augustus. He had given a correct legal
+decision, which acquitted a maligned person of a most serious charge. The
+latter expressed his gratitude in a loud voice, thus:--'I thank your
+majesty for this bad and inequitable verdict.' Augustus's attendants
+raged, and were ready to tear the man to pieces. But the Emperor
+restrained them; 'Never mind what he said; it is what he meant that
+matters.' That was Augustus's view. Well, take my meaning, and it was
+good; or take my word, and it was auspicious.
+
+And now that I have got to this point, I have reason to fear that I may
+be suspected of having made the slip on purpose, leading up to this
+apology. O God of health, only grant me that the quality of my piece may
+justify the notion that I wanted no more than a peg whereon to hang an
+essay!
+
+
+
+
+HERMOTIMUS, OR THE RIVAL PHILOSOPHIES
+
+
+_Lycinus. Hermotimus_
+
+_Ly_. Good morning, Hermotimus; I guess by your book and the pace
+you are going at that you are on your way to lecture, and a little late.
+You were conning over something as you walked, your lips working and
+muttering, your hand flung out this way and that as you got a speech into
+order in your mind; you were doubtless inventing one of your crooked
+questions, or pondering some tricky problem; never a vacant mind, even in
+the streets; always on the stretch and in earnest, bent on advancing in
+your studies.
+
+_Her_. I admit the impeachment; I was running over the details of
+what he said in yesterday's lecture. One must lose no chance, you know;
+the Coan doctor [Footnote: Hippocrates] spoke so truly: _ars longa,
+vita brevis_. And what be referred to was only physic--a simpler
+matter. As to philosophy, not only will you never attain it, however long
+you study, unless you are wide awake all the time, contemplating it with
+intense eager gaze; the stake is so tremendous, too,--whether you shall
+rot miserably with the vulgar herd, or be counted among philosophers and
+reach Happiness.
+
+_Ly_. A glorious prize, indeed! however, you cannot be far off it
+now, if one may judge by the time you have given to philosophy, and the
+extraordinary vigour of your long pursuit. For twenty years now, I should
+say, I have watched you perpetually going to your professors, generally
+bent over a book taking notes of past lectures, pale with thought and
+emaciated in body. I suspect you find no release even in your dreams, you
+are so wrapped up in the thing. With all this you must surely get hold of
+Happiness soon, if indeed you have not found it long ago without telling
+us.
+
+_Her_. Alas, Lycinus, I am only just beginning to get an inkling of
+the right way. Very far off dwells Virtue, as Hesiod says, and long and
+steep and rough is the way thither, and travellers must bedew it with
+sweat.
+
+_Ly_. And you have not yet sweated and travelled enough?
+
+_Her_. Surely not; else should I have been on the summit, with
+nothing left between me and bliss; but I am only starting yet, Lycinus.
+
+_Ly_. Ah, but Hesiod, your own authority, tells us, Well begun is
+half done; so we may safely call you half-way by this time.
+
+_Her_. Not even there yet; that would indeed have been much.
+
+_Ly_. Where _shall_ we put you, then?
+
+_Her_. Still on the lower slopes, just making an effort to get on;
+but it is slippery and rough, and needs a helping hand.
+
+_Ly_. Well, your master can give you that; from his station on the
+summit, like Zeus in Homer with his golden cord, he can let you down his
+discourse, and therewith haul and heave you up to himself and to the
+Virtue which he has himself attained this long time.
+
+_Her_. The very picture of what he is doing; if it depended on him
+alone, I should have been hauled up long ago; it is my part that is still
+wanting.
+
+_Ly_. You must be of good cheer and keep a stout heart; gaze at the
+end of your climb and the Happiness at the top, and remember that he is
+working with you. What prospect does he hold out? when are you to be up?
+does he think you will be on the top next year--by the Great Mysteries,
+or the Panathenaea, say?
+
+_Her_. Too soon, Lycinus.
+
+_Ly_. By next Olympiad, then?
+
+_Her_. All too short a time, even that, for habituation to Virtue
+and attainment of Happiness.
+
+_Ly_. Say two Olympiads, then, for an outside estimate. You may fairly be
+found guilty of laziness, if you cannot get it done by then; the time
+would allow you three return trips from the Pillars of Heracles to India,
+with a margin for exploring the tribes on the way instead of sailing
+straight and never stopping. How much higher and more slippery, pray, is
+the peak on which your Virtue dwells than that Aornos crag which Alexander
+stormed in a few days?
+
+_Her_. There is no resemblance, Lycinus; this is not a thing, as you
+conceive it, to be compassed and captured quickly, though ten thousand
+Alexanders were to assault it; in that case, the sealers would have been
+legion. As it is, a good number begin the climb with great confidence,
+and do make progress, some very little indeed, others more; but when they
+get half-way, they find endless difficulties and discomforts, lose heart,
+and turn back, panting, dripping, and exhausted. But those who endure to
+the end reach the top, to be blessed thenceforth with wondrous days,
+looking down from their height upon the ants which are the rest of
+mankind.
+
+_Ly_. Dear me, what tiny things you make us out--not so big as the Pygmies
+even, but positively grovelling on the face of the earth. I quite
+understand it; your thoughts are up aloft already. And we, the common men
+that walk the earth, shall mingle you with the Gods in our prayers; for
+you are translated above the clouds, and gone up whither you have so long
+striven.
+
+_Her_. If but that ascent might be, Lycinus! but it is far yet.
+
+_Ly_. But you have never told me _how_ far, in terms of time.
+
+_Her_. No; for I know not precisely myself. My guess is that it will
+not be more than twenty years; by that time I shall surely be on the
+summit.
+
+_Ly_. Mercy upon us, you take long views!
+
+_Her_. Ay; but, as the toil, so is the reward.
+
+_Ly_. That may be; but about these twenty years--have you your master's
+promise that you will live so long? is he prophet as well as philosopher?
+or is it a soothsayer or Chaldean expert that you trust? such things are
+known to them, I understand. You would never, of course, if there were any
+uncertainty of your life's lasting to the Virtue-point, slave and toil
+night and day like this; why, just as you were close to the top, your fate
+might come upon you, lay hold of you by the heel, and lug you down with
+your hopes unfulfilled.
+
+_Her_. God forbid! these are words of ill omen, Lycinus; may life be
+granted me, that I may grow wise, and have if it be but one day of
+Happiness!
+
+_Ly_. For all these toils will you be content with your one day?
+
+_Her_. Content? yes, or with the briefest moment of it.
+
+_Ly_. But is there indeed Happiness up there--and worth all the pains? How
+can you tell? You have never been up yourself.
+
+_Her_. I trust my master's word; and he knows well; is he not on the
+topmost height?
+
+_Ly_. Oh, do tell me what he says about it; what is Happiness like?
+wealth, glory, pleasures incomparable?
+
+_Her_. Hush, friend! all these have nought to do with the Virtuous
+life.
+
+_Ly_. Well, if these will not do, what _are_ the good things he offers to
+those who carry their course right through?
+
+_Her_. Wisdom, courage, true beauty, justice, full and firm knowledge of
+all things as they are; but wealth and glory and pleasure and all bodily
+things--these a man strips off and abandons before he mounts up, like
+Heracles burning on Mount Oeta before deification; he too cast off
+whatever of the human he had from his mother, and soared up to the Gods
+with his divine part pure and unalloyed, sifted by the fire. Even so those
+I speak of are purged by the philosophic fire of all that deluded men
+count admirable, and reaching the summit have Happiness with never a
+thought of wealth and glory and pleasure--except to smile at any who count
+them more than phantoms.
+
+_Ly_. By Heracles (and his death on Oeta), they quit themselves like
+men, and have their reward, it seems. But there is one thing I should
+like to know: are they allowed to come down from their elevation
+sometimes, and have a taste of what they left behind them? or when they
+have once got up, must they stay there, conversing with Virtue, and
+smiling at wealth and glory and pleasure?
+
+_Her_. The latter, assuredly; more than that, a man once admitted of
+Virtue's company will never be subject to wrath or fear or desire any
+more; no, nor can he feel pain, nor any such sensation.
+
+_Ly_. Well, but--if one might dare to say what one thinks--but no--let me
+keep a good tongue in my head--it were irreverent to pry into what wise
+men do.
+
+_Her_. Nay, nay; let me know your meaning.
+
+_Ly_. Dear friend, I have not the courage.
+
+_Her_. Out with it, my good fellow; we are alone.
+
+_Ly_. Well, then--most of your account I followed and accepted--how
+they grow wise and brave and just, and the rest--indeed I was quite
+fascinated by it; but then you went on to say they despised wealth and
+glory and pleasure; well, just there (quite between ourselves, you know)
+I was pulled up; I thought of a scene t'other day with--shall I tell you
+whom? Perhaps we can do without a name?
+
+_Her_. No, no; we must have that too.
+
+_Ly_. Your own professor himself, then,--a person to whom all
+respect is due, surely, not to mention his years.
+
+_Her_. Well?
+
+_Ly_. You know the Heracleot, quite an old pupil of his in philosophy by
+this time--red-haired--likes an argument?
+
+_Her_. Yes; Dion, he is called.
+
+_Ly_. Well, I suppose he had not paid up punctually; anyhow the other day
+the old man haled him before the magistrate, with a halter made of his own
+coat; he was shouting and fuming, and if some friends had not come up and
+got the young man out of his hands, he would have bitten off his nose, he
+was in such a temper.
+
+_Her_. Ah, _he_ is a bad character, always an unconscionable time paying
+his debts. There are plenty of others who owe the professor money, and he
+has never treated any of them so; they pay him his interest punctually.
+
+_Ly_. Not so fast; what in the world does it matter to him, if they do not
+pay up? he is purified by philosophy, and has no further need of the cast
+clothes of Oeta.
+
+_Her_. Do you suppose his interest in such things is selfish? no, but he
+has little ones; his care is to save them from indigence.
+
+_Ly_. Whereas he ought to have brought them up to Virtue too, and let them
+share his inexpensive Happiness.
+
+_Her_. Well, I have no time to argue it, Lycinus; I must not be late for
+lecture, lest in the end I find myself left behind.
+
+_Ly_. Don't be afraid, my duteous one; to-day is a holiday; I can save you
+the rest of your walk.
+
+_Her_. What do you mean?
+
+_Ly_. You will not find him just now, if the notice is to be trusted;
+there was a tablet over the door announcing in large print, No meeting
+this day. I hear he dined yesterday with the great Eucrates, who was
+keeping his daughter's birthday. He talked a good deal of philosophy
+over the wine, and lost his temper a little with Euthydemus the
+Peripatetic; they were debating the old Peripatetic objections to the
+Porch. His long vocal exertions (for it was midnight before they broke
+up) gave him a bad headache, with violent perspiration. I fancy he had
+also drunk a little too much, toasts being the order of the day, and
+eaten more than an old man should. When he got home, he was very ill,
+they said, just managed to check and lock up carefully the slices of meat
+which he had conveyed to his servant at table, and then, giving orders
+that he was not at home, went to sleep, and has not waked since. I
+overheard Midas his man telling this to some of his pupils; there were a
+number of them coming away.
+
+_Her_. Which had the victory, though, he or Euthydemus--if Midas said
+anything about that?
+
+_Ly_. Why, at first, I gathered, it was very even between them; but you
+Stoics had it in the end, and your master was much too hard for him.
+Euthydemus did not even get off whole; he had a great cut on his head. He
+was pretentious, insisted on proving his point, would not give in, and
+proved a hard nut to crack; so your excellent professor, who had a goblet
+as big as Nestor's in his hand, brought this down on him as he lay within
+easy reach, and the victory was his.
+
+_Her_. Good; so perish all who will not yield to their betters!
+
+_Ly_. Very reasonable, Hermotimus; what was Euthydemus thinking of, to
+irritate an old man who is purged of wrath and master of his passions,
+when he had such a heavy goblet in his hand?
+
+But we have time to spare--you might tell a friend like me the story of
+your start in philosophy; then I might perhaps, if it is not too late,
+begin now and join your school; you are my friends; you will not be
+exclusive?
+
+_Her_. If only you would, Lycinus! you will soon find out how much you are
+superior to the rest of men. I do assure you, you will think them all
+children, you will be so much wiser.
+
+_Ly_. Enough for me, if after twenty years of it I am where you are now.
+
+_Her_. Oh, I was about your age when I started on philosophy; I was forty;
+and you must be about that.
+
+_Ly_. Just that; so take and lead me on the same way; that is but right.
+And first tell me--do you allow learners to criticize, if they find
+difficulties in your doctrines, or must juniors abstain from that?
+
+_Her_. Why, yes, they must; but _you_ shall have leave to ask questions
+and criticize; you will learn easier that way.
+
+_Ly_. I thank you for it, Hermotimus, by your name-God Hermes.
+
+Now, is there only one road to philosophy--the Stoic way? they tell me
+there are a great many other philosophers; is that so?
+
+_Her_. Certainly--Peripatetics, Epicureans, Platonists, followers of
+Diogenes, Antisthenes, Pythagoras, and more yet.
+
+_Ly_. Quite so; numbers of them. Now, are their doctrines the same,
+or different?
+
+_Her_. Entirely different.
+
+_Ly_. But the truth, I presume, is bound to be in one of them, and not in
+all, as they differ?
+
+_Her_. Certainly.
+
+_Ly_. Then, as you love me, answer this: when you first went in pursuit of
+philosophy, you found many gates wide open; what induced you to pass the
+others by, and go in at the Stoic gate? Why did you assume that that was
+the only true one, which would set you on the straight road to Virtue,
+while the rest all opened on blind alleys? What was the test you applied
+_then_? Please abolish your present self, the self which is now
+instructed, or half-instructed, and better able to distinguish between
+good and bad than we outsiders, and answer in your then character of a
+layman, with no advantage over me as I am now.
+
+_Her_. I cannot tell what you are driving at.
+
+_Ly_. Oh, there is nothing recondite about it. There are a great many
+philosophers--let us say Plato, Aristotle, Antisthenes, and your spiritual
+fathers, Chrysippus, Zeno, and all the rest of them; what was it that
+induced you, leaving the rest alone, to pick out the school you did from
+among them all, and pin your philosophic faith to it? Were you favoured
+like Chaerephon with a revelation from Apollo? Did he tell you the Stoics
+were the best of men, and send you to their school? I dare say he
+recommends different philosophers to different persons, according to
+their individual needs?
+
+_Her_. Nothing of the kind, Lycinus; I never consulted him upon it.
+
+_Ly_. Why? was it not a _dignus vindice nodus_? or were you confident in
+your own unaided discrimination?
+
+_Her_. Why, yes; I was.
+
+_Ly_. Then this must be my first lesson from you--how one can decide
+out of hand which is the best and the true philosophy to be taken, and
+the others left.
+
+_Her_. I will tell you: I observed that it attracted most disciples, and
+thence inferred that it was superior.
+
+_Ly_. Give me figures; how many more of them than of Epicureans,
+Platonists, Peripatetics? Of course you took a sort of show of hands.
+
+_Her_. Well, no; I didn't count; I just guessed.
+
+_Ly_. Now, now! you are not teaching, but hoaxing me; judge by guess
+work and impression, indeed, on a thing of this importance! You are
+hiding the truth.
+
+_Her_. Well, that was not my only way; every one told me the Epicureans
+were sensual and self-indulgent, the Peripatetics avaricious and
+contentious, the Platonists conceited and vain; about the Stoics, on the
+contrary, many said they had fortitude and an open mind; he who goes their
+way, I heard, was the true king and millionaire and wise man, alone and
+all in one.
+
+_Ly_. And, of course, it was other people who so described them; you
+would not have taken their own word for their excellences.
+
+_Her_. Certainly not; it was others who said it.
+
+_Ly_. Not their rivals, I suppose?
+
+_Her_. Oh, no.
+
+_Ly_. Laymen, then?
+
+_Her_. Just so.
+
+_Ly_. There you are again, cheating me with your irony; you take me for a
+blockhead, who will believe that an intelligent person like Hermotimus, at
+the age of forty, would accept the word of laymen about philosophy and
+philosophers, and make his own selection on the strength of what they
+said.
+
+_Her_. But you see, Lycinus, I did not depend on their judgement entirely,
+but on my own too. I saw the Stoics going about with dignity, decently
+dressed and groomed, ever with a thoughtful air and a manly countenance,
+as far from effeminacy as from the utter repulsive negligence of the
+Cynics, bearing themselves, in fact, like moderate men; and every one
+admits that moderation is right.
+
+_Ly_. Did you ever see them behaving like your master, as I described him
+to you just now? Lending money and clamouring for payment, losing their
+tempers in philosophic debates, and making other exhibitions of
+themselves? Or perhaps these are trifles, so long as the dress is
+decent, the beard long, and the hair close-cropped? We are provided for
+the future, then, with an infallible rule and balance, guaranteed by
+Hermotimus? It is by appearance and walk and haircutting that the best
+men are to be distinguished; and whosoever has not these marks, and is
+not solemn and thoughtful, shall be condemned and rejected?
+
+Nay, do not play with me like this; you want to see whether I shall catch
+you at it.
+
+_Her_. Why do you say that?
+
+_Ly_. Because, my dear sir, this appearance test is one for statues;
+_their_ decent orderly attire has it easily over the Stoics, because
+Phidias or Alcamenes or Myron designed them to be graceful. However,
+granting as much as you like that these are the right tests, what is a
+blind man to do, if he wants to take up philosophy? how is he to find the
+man whose principles are right, when he cannot see his appearance or gait?
+
+_Her_. I am not teaching the blind, Lycinus; I have nothing to do with
+them.
+
+_Ly_. Ah, but, my good sir, there ought to have been some universal
+criterion, in a matter of such great and general use. Still, if you will
+have it so, let the blind be excluded from philosophy, as they cannot
+see--though, by the way, they are just the people who most need
+philosophy to console them for their misfortune; but now, the people who
+_can_ see--give them the utmost possible acuity of vision, and what
+can they detect of the spiritual qualities from this external shell?
+
+What I mean is this: was it not from admiration of their _spirit_ that you
+joined them, expecting to have your own spirit purified?
+
+_Her_. Assuredly.
+
+_Ly_. How could you possibly discern the true philosopher from the
+false, then, by the marks you mentioned? It is not the way of such
+qualities to come out like that; they are hidden and secret; they are
+revealed only under long and patient observation, in talk and debate and
+the conduct they inspire. You have probably heard of Momus's indictment
+of Hephaestus; if not, you shall have it now. According to the myth,
+Athene, Posidon, and Hephaestus had a match in inventiveness. Posidon
+made a bull, Athene planned a house, Hephaestus constructed a man; when
+they came before Momus, who was to judge, he examined their productions;
+I need not trouble you with his criticisms of the other two; but his
+objection to the man, and the fault he found with Hephaestus, was this:
+he should have made a window in his chest, so that, when it was opened,
+his thoughts and designs, his truth or falsehood, might have been
+apparent. Momus must have been blear-eyed, to have such ideas about men;
+but you have sharper eyes than Lynceus, and pierce through the chest to
+what is inside; all is patent to you, not merely any man's wishes and
+sentiments, but the comparative merits of any pair.
+
+_Her_. You trifle, Lycinus. I made a pious choice, and do not repent it;
+that is enough for me.
+
+_Ly_. And will you yet make a mystery of it to your friend, and let him be
+lost with the vulgar herd?
+
+_Her_. Why, you will not accept anything I say.
+
+_Ly_. On the contrary, my good sir, it is you who will not say anything I
+can accept. Well, as you refuse me your confidence, and are so jealous of
+my becoming a philosopher and your equal, I must even do my best to find
+out the infallible test and learn to choose safely for myself. And you may
+listen, if you like.
+
+_Her_. That I will, Lycinus; you will very likely hit on some good idea.
+
+_Ly_. Then attend, and do not mock me, if my inquiry is quite
+unscientific; it is all I can do, as you, who know better, will not give
+me any clearer light.
+
+I conceive Virtue, then, under the figure of a State whose citizens are
+happy--as your professor, who is one of them, phrases it,--absolutely
+wise, all of them brave, just, and self-controlled, hardly
+distinguishable, in fact, from Gods. All sorts of things that go on here,
+such as robbery, assault, unfair gain, you will never find attempted
+there, I believe; their relations are all peace and unity; and this is
+quite natural, seeing that none of the things which elsewhere occasion
+strife and rivalry, and prompt men to plot against their neighbours, so
+much as come in their way at all. Gold, pleasures, distinctions, they
+never regard as objects of dispute; they have banished them long ago as
+undesirable elements. Their life is serene and blissful, in the enjoyment
+of legality, equality, liberty, and all other good things.
+
+_Her_. Well, Lycinus? Must not all men yearn to belong to a State like
+that, and never count the toil of getting there, nor lose heart over the
+time it takes? Enough that one day they will arrive, and be naturalized,
+and given the franchise.
+
+_Ly_. In good truth, Hermotimus, we should devote all our efforts to
+this, and neglect everything else; we need pay little heed to any claims
+of our earthly country; we should steel our hearts against the clingings
+and cryings of children or parents, if we have them; it is well if we can
+induce them to go with us; but, if they will not or cannot, shake them
+off and march straight for the city of bliss, leaving your coat in their
+hands, if they lay hold of it to keep you back, in your hurry to get
+there; what matter for a coat? You will be admitted there without one.
+
+I remember hearing a description of it all once before from an old man,
+who urged me to go there with him. He would show me the way, enroll me
+when I got there, introduce me to his own circles, and promise me a share
+in the universal Happiness. But I was stiff-necked, in my youthful folly
+(it was some fifteen years ago); else might I have been in the outskirts,
+nay, haply at the very gates, by now. Among the noteworthy things he told
+me, I seem to remember these: all the citizens are aliens and foreigners,
+not a native among them; they include numbers of barbarians, slaves,
+cripples, dwarfs, and poor; in fact any one is admitted; for their law
+does not associate the franchise with income, with shape, size, or
+beauty, with old or brilliant ancestry; these things are not considered
+at all; any one who would be a citizen needs only understanding, zeal for
+the right, energy, perseverance, fortitude and resolution in facing all
+the trials of the road; whoever proves his possession of these by
+persisting till he reaches the city is _ipso facto_ a full citizen,
+regardless of his antecedents. Such distinctions as superior and
+inferior, noble and common, bond and free, simply do not exist there,
+even in name.
+
+_Her_. There, now; you see I am not wasting my pains on trifles; I
+yearn to be counted among the citizens of that fair and happy State.
+
+_Ly_. Why, your yearning is mine too; there is nothing I would sooner pray
+for. If the city had been near at hand and plain for all to see, be
+assured I would never have doubted, nor needed prompting; I would have
+gone thither and had my franchise long ago; but as you tell me--you and
+your bard Hesiod--that it is set exceeding far off, one must find out
+the way to it, and the best guide. You agree?
+
+_Her_. Of course that is the only thing to do.
+
+_Ly_. Now, so far as promises and professions go, there is no lack of
+guides; there are numbers of them waiting about, all representing
+themselves as from there. But instead of one single road there seem to be
+many different and inconsistent ones. North and South, East and West,
+they go; one leads through meadows and vegetation and shade, and is well
+watered and pleasant, with never a stumbling-block or inequality; another
+is rough and rocky, threatening heat and drought and toil. Yet all these
+are supposed to lead to the one city, though they take such different
+directions.
+
+That is where my difficulty lies; whichever of them I try, there is sure
+to be a most respectable person stationed just at the entrance, with a
+welcoming hand and an exhortation to go his way; each of them says he is
+the only one who knows the straight road; his rivals are all mistaken,
+have never been themselves, nor learnt the way from competent guides. I
+go to his neighbour, and he gives the same assurances about _his_ way,
+abusing the other respectable persons; and so the next, and the next, and
+the next. This multiplicity and dissimilarity of the roads gives me
+searchings of heart, and still more the assertiveness and self-
+satisfaction of the guides; I really cannot tell which turning or whose
+directions are most likely to bring me to the city.
+
+_Her_. Oh, but I can solve that puzzle for you; you cannot go wrong,
+if you trust those who have been already.
+
+_Ly_. Which do you mean? those who have been by which road, and under
+whose guidance? It is the old puzzle in a new form; you have only
+substituted men for measures.
+
+_Her_. How do you mean?
+
+_Ly_. Why, the man who has taken Plato's road and travelled with him will
+recommend that road; so with Epicurus and the rest; and _you_ will
+recommend your own. How else, Hermotimus? it must be so.
+
+_Her_. Well, of course.
+
+_Ly_. So you have not solved my puzzle; I know just as little as before
+which traveller to trust; I find that each of them, as well as his guide,
+has tried one only, which he now recommends and will have to be the only
+one leading to the city. Whether he tells the truth I have no means of
+knowing; that he has attained _some_ end, and seen _some_ city, I may
+perhaps allow; but whether he saw the right one, or whether, Corinth being
+the real goal, he got to Babylon and thought he had seen Corinth--that is
+still undecided; for surely every one who has seen a city has not seen
+Corinth, unless Corinth is the only city there is. But my greatest
+difficulty of all is the absolute certainty that the true road is one; for
+Corinth is one, and the other roads lead anywhere but to Corinth, though
+there may be people deluded enough to suppose that the North road and the
+South road lead equally to Corinth.
+
+_Her_. But that is absurd, Lycinus; they go opposite ways, you see.
+
+_Ly_. Then, my dear good man, this choice of roads and guides is quite a
+serious matter; we can by no means just follow our noses; we shall be
+discovering that we are well on the way to Babylon or Bactria instead of
+to Corinth. Nor is it advisable to toss up, either, on the chance that we
+may hit upon the right way if we start upon any one at a venture. That is
+no impossibility; it may have come off once and again in a cycle; but I
+cannot think we ought to gamble recklessly with such high stakes, nor
+commit our hopes to a frail craft, like the wise men who went to sea in a
+bowl; we should have no fair complaint against Fortune, if her arrow or
+dart did not precisely hit the centre; the odds are ten thousand to one
+against her; just so the archer in Homer--Teucer, I suppose it was--when
+he meant to hit the dove, only cut the string, which held it; of course it
+is infinitely more likely that the point of the arrow will find its billet
+in one of the numberless other places, than just in that particular
+central one. And as to the perils of blundering into one of the wrong
+roads instead of the right one, misled by a belief in the discretion of
+Fortune, here is an illustration:--it is no easy matter to turn back and
+get safe into port when you have once cast loose your moorings and
+committed yourself to the breeze; you are at the mercy of the sea,
+frightened, sick and sorry with your tossing about, most likely. Your
+mistake was at the beginning: before leaving, you should have gone up to
+some high point, and observed whether the wind was in the right quarter,
+and of the right strength for a crossing to Corinth, not neglecting, by
+the way, to secure the very best pilot obtainable, and a seaworthy craft
+equal to so high a sea.
+
+_Her_. Much better so, Lycinus. However, I know that, if you go the
+whole round, you will find no better guides or more expert pilots than
+the Stoics; if you mean ever to get to Corinth, you will follow them, in
+the tracks of Chrysippus and Zeno. It is the only way to do it.
+
+_Ly_. Ah, many can play at the game of assertion. Plato's fellow
+traveller, Epicurus's follower, and all the rest, will tell me just what
+you do, that I shall never get to Corinth except with whichever of them
+it is. So I must either believe them all, or disbelieve impartially. The
+latter is much the safest, until we have found out the truth.
+
+Put a case, now: just as I am, as uncertain as ever which of the whole
+number has the truth, I choose your school; I rely on you, who are my
+friend, but who still know only the Stoic doctrine, and have not
+travelled any way but that. Now some God brings Plato, Pythagoras,
+Aristotle, and the rest to life again; they gather round and cross-
+examine me, or actually sue me in court for constructive defamation;
+_Good Lycinus_, they say, _what possessed or who induced you to
+exalt Chrysippus and Zeno at our expense? we are far older established;
+they are mere creatures of yesterday; yet you never gave us a hearing,
+nor inquired into our statements at all_. Well, what am I to plead?
+will it avail me to say I trusted my friend Hermotimus? I feel sure they
+will say, _We know not this Hermotimus, who he is, nor he us; you had
+no right to condemn us all, and give judgement by default against us, on
+the authority of a man who knew only one of the philosophic roads, and
+even that, perhaps, imperfectly. These are not the instructions issued to
+juries, Lycinus; they are not to hear one party, and, refuse the other
+permission to say what he deems advisable; they are to hear both sides
+alike, with a view to the better sifting of truth from falsehood by
+comparison of the arguments; if they fail in these duties, the law allows
+an appeal to another court_. That is what we may expect them to say.
+
+Then one of them might proceed to question me like this: _Suppose,
+Lycinus, that an Ethiopian who had never been abroad in his life, nor
+seen other men like us, were to state categorically in an Ethiopian
+assembly that there did not exist on earth any white or yellow men--
+nothing but blacks--, would his statement be accepted? or would some
+Ethiopian elder remark, How do you know, my confident friend? you have
+never been in foreign parts, nor had any experience of other nations._
+Shall I tell him the old man's question was justified? what do you
+advise, my counsel?
+
+_Her_. Say that, certainly; I consider the old man's rebuke quite
+reasonable.
+
+_Ly_. So do I. But I am not so sure you will approve what comes
+next; as for me, I have as little doubt of that as of the other.
+
+_Her_. What is it?
+
+_Ly_. The next step will be the application; my questioner will say,
+_Now Lycinus, let us suppose an analogue, in a person acquainted only
+with the Stoic doctrine, like your friend Hermotimus; he has never
+travelled in Plato's country, or to Epicurus, or any other land; now, if
+he were to state that there was no such beauty or truth in those many
+countries as there is in the Porch and its teaching, would you not be
+justified in considering it bold of him to give you his opinion about
+them all, whereas he knew only one, having never set foot outside the
+bounds of Ethiopia?_ What reply do you advise to that?
+
+_Her_. The perfectly true one, of course, that it is indeed the Stoic
+doctrine that we study fully, being minded to sink or swim with that, but
+still we do know what the others say also; our teacher rehearses the
+articles of their beliefs to us incidentally, and demolishes them with his
+comments.
+
+_Ly_. Do you suppose the Platonists, Pythagoreans, Epicureans, and
+other schools, will let that pass? or will they laugh out loud and say,
+_What remarkable methods your friend has, Lycinus! he accepts our
+adversaries' character of us, and gathers our doctrines from the
+description of people who do not know, or deliberately misrepresent them.
+If he were to see an athlete getting his muscles in trim by kicking high,
+or hitting out at empty space as though he were getting a real blow home,
+would he (in the capacity of umpire) at once proclaim him victor, because
+he _could not help winning_? No; _he would reflect that these displays are
+easy and safe, when there is no defence to be reckoned with, and that the
+real decision must wait till he has beaten and mastered his opponent, and
+the latter 'has had enough'. Well then, do not let Hermotimus suppose from
+his teachers' sparrings with our shadows (for _we_ are not there) that
+they have the victory, or that our doctrines are so easily upset; tell him
+the business is too like the sand houses which children, having built them
+weak, have no difficulty in overturning, or, to change the figure, like
+people practising archery; they make a straw target, hang it to a post,
+plant it a little way off, and then let fly at it; if they hit and get
+through the straw, they burst into a shout, as if it were a great triumph
+to have driven through the dry stuff. That is not the way the Persians
+take, or those Scythian tribes which use the bow. Generally, when _they_
+shoot, in the first place they are themselves mounted and in motion, and
+secondly, they like the mark to be moving too; it is not to be stationary,
+waiting for the arrival of the arrow, but passing at full speed; they can
+usually kill beasts, and their marksmen hit birds. If it ever happens that
+they want to test the actual impact on a target, they set up one of stout
+wood, or a shield of raw hide; piercing that, they reckon that their
+shafts will go through armour too. So, Lycinus, tell Hermotimus from us
+that his teachers fierce straw targets, and then say they have disposed of
+armed men; or paint up figures of us, spar at them, and, after a not
+surprising success, think they have beaten us. But we shall severally
+quote against them Achilles's words against Hector:
+
+  They dare not face the nodding of my plume._
+
+So say all of them, one after the other.
+
+I suspect that Plato, with his intimate knowledge of Sicily, will add an
+anecdote from there. Gelo of Syracuse had disagreeable breath, but did
+not find it out himself for a long time, no one venturing to mention such
+a circumstance to a tyrant. At last a foreign woman who had a connexion
+with him dared to tell him; whereupon he went to his wife and scolded her
+for never having, with all her opportunities of knowing, warned him of
+it; she put in the defence that, as she had never been familiar or at
+close quarters with any other man, she had supposed all men were like
+that. So Hermotinus (Plato will say) after his exclusive association with
+Stoics, cannot be expected to know the savour of other people's mouths.
+Chrysippus, on the other hand, might say as much or more if I were to put
+_him_ out of court and betake myself to Platonism, in reliance upon
+some one who had conversed with Plato alone. And in a word, as long as it
+is uncertain which is the true philosophic school, I choose none; choice
+of one is insult to the rest.
+
+_Her_. For Heaven's sake, Lycinus, let us leave Plato, Aristotle,
+Epicurus, and the rest of them alone; to argue with them is not for me.
+Why not just hold a private inquiry, you and I, whether philosophy is
+what I say it is? As for the Ethiopians and Gelo's wife, what a long way
+you have brought them on none of their business!
+
+_Ly_. Away with them, then, if you find their company superfluous.
+And now do you proceed; my expectations are high.
+
+_Her_. Well, it seems to me perfectly possible, Lycinus, after
+studying the Stoic doctrines alone, to get at the truth from them,
+without going through a course of all the others too. Look at it this
+way: if any one tells you simply, Twice two is four, need you go round
+all the mathematicians to find out whether there is one who makes it
+five, or seven; or would you know at once that the man was right?
+
+_Ly_. Certainly I should.
+
+_Her_. Then why should you think it impossible for a man who finds,
+without going further, that the Stoics make true statements, to believe
+them and dispense with further witness? He knows that four can never be
+five, though ten thousand Platos or Pythagorases said it was.
+
+_Ly_. Not to the point. You compare accepted with disputed facts,
+whereas they are completely different. Tell me, did you ever meet a man
+who said twice two was seven or eleven?
+
+_Her_. Not I; any one who did not make four of it must be mad.
+
+_Ly_. But on the other hand--try to tell the truth, I adjure you--,
+did you ever meet a Stoic and an Epicurean who did _not_ differ
+about principles or ends?
+
+_Her_. No.
+
+_Ly_. You are an honest man; now ask yourself whether you are trapping a
+friend with false logic. We are trying to find out with whom philosophic
+truth lies; and you beg the question and make a present of that same truth
+to the Stoics; for you say (what is quite unproved) that they are the
+people who make twice two four; the Epicureans or Platonists would say
+that _they_ bring out that result, whereas you get five or seven. Does it
+not amount to that, when your school reckon goodness the only end, and the
+Epicureans pleasure? or again when you say everything is material, and
+Plato recognizes an immaterial element also in all that exists? As I said,
+you lay hold of the thing in dispute, as though it were the admitted
+property of the Stoics, and put it into their hands, though the others
+claim it and maintain that it is theirs; why, it is the very point at
+issue. If it is once established that Stoics have the monopoly of making
+four out of twice two, it is time for the rest to hold their tongues; but
+as long as they refuse to yield that point, we must hear all alike, or be
+prepared for people's calling us partial judges.
+
+_Her_. It seems to me, Lycinus, you do not understand what I mean.
+
+_Ly_. Very well, put it plainer, if it is something different from that.
+
+_Her_. You will see in a minute. Let us suppose two people have gone
+into the temple of Asclepius or Dionysus, and subsequently one of the
+sacred cups is missing. Both of them will have to be searched, to see
+which has it about him.
+
+_Ly_. Clearly.
+
+_Her_. Of course one of them has it.
+
+_Ly_. Necessarily, if it is missing.
+
+_Her_. Then, if you find it on the first, you will not strip the other; it
+is clear he has not got it.
+
+_Ly_. Quite.
+
+_Her_. And if we fail to find it on the first, the other certainly has it;
+it is unnecessary to search him that way either.
+
+_Ly_. Yes, he has it.
+
+_Her_. So with us; if we find the cup in the possession of the Stoics, we
+shall not care to go on and search the others; we have what we were
+looking for; why trouble further?
+
+_Ly_. There is no why, if you really find it, and can be certain it
+is the missing article, the sacred object being unmistakable. But there
+are some differences in this case, friend, the temple-visitors are not
+two, so that if one has not got the booty the other has, but many; and
+the identity of the missing object is also uncertain; it may be cup, or
+bowl, or garland; every priest gives a different description of it; they
+do not agree even about the material; bronze, say these, silver, say
+those--anything from gold to tin. So there is nothing for it but to strip
+the visitors, if you want to find it; even if you discover a gold cup on
+the first man, you must go on to the others.
+
+_Her_. What for?
+
+_Ly_. Because it is not certain that the thing was a cup. And even if that
+is generally admitted, they do not all agree that it was gold; and if it
+is well known that a gold cup is missing, and you find a gold cup on your
+first man, even so you are not quit of searching the others; it is not
+clear that this is _the_ sacred cup; do you suppose there is only one gold
+cup in the world?
+
+_Her_. No, indeed.
+
+_Ly_. So you will have to go the round, and then collect all your finds
+together and decide which of them is most likely to be divine property.
+
+For the source of all the difficulty is this: every one who is stripped
+has something or other on him, one a bowl, one a cup, one a garland,
+which again may be bronze, gold, or silver; but whether the one he has is
+the sacred one, is not yet clear. It is absolutely impossible to know
+which man to accuse of sacrilege; even if all the objects were similar,
+it would be uncertain who had robbed the God; for such things may be
+private property too. Our perplexity, of course, is simply due to the
+fact that the missing cup--assume it to be a cup--has no inscription; if
+either the God's or the donor's name had been on it, we should not have
+had all this trouble; when we found the inscribed one, we should have
+stopped stripping and inconveniencing other visitors. I suppose,
+Hermotimus, you have often been at athletic meetings?
+
+_Her_. You suppose right; and in many places too.
+
+_Ly_. Did you ever have a seat close by the judges?
+
+_Her_. Dear me, yes; last Olympia, I was on the left of the stewards;
+Euandridas of Elis had got me a place in the Elean enclosure; I
+particularly wanted to have a near view of how things are done there.
+
+_Ly_. So you know how they arrange ties for the wrestling or the
+pancratium?
+
+_Her_. Yes.
+
+_Ly_. Then you will describe it better than I, as you have seen it
+so close.
+
+_Her_. In old days, when Heracles presided, bay leaves--
+
+_Ly_. No old days, thank you; tell me what you saw with your own
+eyes.
+
+_Her_. A consecrated silver urn is produced, and into it are thrown
+little lots about the size of a bean, with letters on them. Two are
+marked alpha [Footnote: The Greek alphabet runs: alpha, beta, gamma,
+delta, epsilon, zeta, eta, theta, iota, kappa, lambda, mu, nu, xi,
+omicron, pi, rho, sigma, tau, upsilon, phi, chi, psi, omega.], two beta,
+two more gamma, and so on, if the competitors run to more than that--two
+lots always to each letter. A competitor comes up, makes a prayer to
+Zeus, dips his hand into the urn, and pulls out one lot; then another
+does the same; there is a policeman to each drawer, who holds his hand so
+that he cannot see what letter he has drawn. When all have drawn, the
+chief police officer, I think it is, or one of the stewards themselves--I
+cannot quite remember this detail--, goes round and examines the lots
+while they stand in a circle, and puts together the two alphas for the
+wrestling or pancratium, and so for the two betas, and the rest. That is
+the procedure when the number of competitors is even, as eight, four, or
+twelve. If it is five, seven, nine, or other odd number, an odd letter is
+marked on one lot, which is put in with the others, not having a
+duplicate. Whoever draws this is a bye, and waits till the rest have
+finished their ties; no duplicate turns up for him, you see; and it is a
+considerable advantage to an athlete, to know that he will come fresh
+against tired competitors.
+
+_Ly_. Stop there; that is just what I wanted. There are nine of them, we
+will say, and they have all drawn, and the lots are in their hands. You go
+round--for I promote you from spectator to steward--examining the letters;
+and I suppose you will not know who is the bye till you have been to them
+all and paired them.
+
+_Her_. How do you mean?
+
+_Ly_. It is impossible for you to hit straight upon the letter which
+indicates the bye; at least, you may hit upon the letter, but you will
+not know about the bye; it was not announced beforehand that kappa or mu
+or iota had the appointment in its gift; when you find alpha, you look
+for the holder of the other alpha, whom finding, you pair the two. Again
+finding beta, you inquire into the whereabouts of the second beta which
+matches it; and so all through, till there is no one left but the holder
+of the single unpaired letter.
+
+_Her_. But suppose you come upon it first or second, what will you do
+then?
+
+_Ly_. Never mind me; I want to know what _you_ will do, Mr. Steward. Will
+you say at once, Here is the bye? or will you have to go round to all, and
+see whether there is a duplicate to be found, it being impossible to know
+the bye till you have seen all the lots?
+
+_Her_. Why, Lycinus, I shall know quite easily; nine being the number, if
+I find the epsilon first or second, I know the holder of it for the bye.
+
+_Ly_. But how?
+
+_Her_. How? Why, two of them must have alpha, two beta, and of the
+next two pairs one has certainly drawn gammas and the other deltas, so
+that four letters have been used up over eight competitors. Obviously,
+then, the next letter, which is epsilon, is the only one that can be odd,
+and the drawer of it is the bye.
+
+_Ly_. Shall I extol your intelligence, or would you rather I explained to
+you my own poor idea, which differs?
+
+_Her_. The latter, of course, though I cannot conceive how you can
+reasonably differ.
+
+_Ly_. You have gone on the assumption that the letters are taken in
+alphabetical order, until at a particular one the number of competitors
+runs short; and I grant you it may be done so at Olympia. But suppose we
+were to pick out five letters at random, say chi, sigma, zeta, kappa,
+theta, and duplicate the other four on the lots for eight competitors,
+but put a single zeta on the ninth, which we meant to indicate the
+bye--what then would you do if you came on the zeta first? How can you
+tell that its holder is the bye till you have been all round and found no
+counterpart to it? for you could not tell by the alphabetical order, as
+at Olympia.
+
+_Her_. A difficult question.
+
+_Ly_. Look at the same thing another way. Suppose we put no letters
+at all on the lots, but, instead of them, signs and marks such as the
+Egyptians use for letters, men with dogs' or lions' heads. Or no, those
+are rather too strange; let us avoid hybrids, and put down simple forms,
+as well as our draughtsmanship will allow--men on two lots, horses on
+two, a pair of cocks, a pair of dogs, and let a lion be the mark of the
+ninth. Now, if you hit upon the lion at the first try, how can you tell
+that this is the bye-maker, until you have gone all round and seen
+whether any one else has a lion to match?
+
+_Her_. Your question is too much for me.
+
+_Ly_. No wonder; there is no plausible answer. Consequently if we
+mean to find either the man who has the sacred cup, or the bye, or our
+best guide to the famous city of Corinth, we must absolutely go to and
+examine them all, trying them carefully, stripping and comparing them;
+the truth will be hard enough to find, even so. If I am to take any one's
+advice upon the right philosophy to choose, I insist upon his knowing
+what they all say; every one else I disqualify; I will not trust him
+while there is one philosophy he is unacquainted with; that one may
+possibly be the best of all. If some one were to produce a handsome man,
+and state that he was the handsomest of mankind, we should not accept
+that, unless we knew he had seen all men; very likely his man is
+handsome, but whether the handsomest, he has no means of knowing without
+seeing all. Now we are looking not simply for beauty, but for the
+greatest beauty, and if we miss that, we shall account ourselves no
+further than we were; we shall not be content with chancing upon some
+sort of beauty; we are in search of a definite thing, the supreme beauty,
+which must necessarily be _one_.
+
+_Her_. True.
+
+_Ly_. Well then, can you name me a man who has tried every road in
+philosophy? one who, knowing the doctrine of Pythagoras, Plato, Aristotle,
+Chrysippus, Epicurus, and the rest, has ended by selecting one out of all
+these roads, because he has proved it genuine, and had found it by
+experience to be the only one that led straight to Happiness? If we
+can meet with such a man, we are at the end of our troubles.
+
+_Her_. Alas, that is no easy matter.
+
+_Ly_. What shall we do, then? I do not think we ought to despair, in the
+momentary absence of such a guide. Perhaps the best and safest plan
+of all is to set to work oneself, go through every system, and carefully
+examine the various doctrines.
+
+_Her_. That is what seems to be indicated. I am afraid, though, there is
+an obstacle in what you said just now: it is not easy, when you have
+committed yourself with a spread of canvas to the wind, to get home
+again. How can a man try all the roads, when, as you said, he will be
+unable to escape from the first of them?
+
+_Ly_. My notion is to copy Theseus, get dame Ariadne to give us a skein,
+and go into one labyrinth after another, with the certainty of getting out
+by winding it up.
+
+_Her_. Who is to be our Ariadne? Where shall we find the skein?
+
+_Ly_. Never despair; I fancy I have found something to hold on to and
+escape.
+
+_Her_. And what is that?
+
+_Ly_. It is not original; I borrow it from one of the wise men: 'Be sober
+and doubt all things,' says he. If we do not believe everything we are
+told, but behave like jurymen who suspend judgement till they have heard
+the other side, we may have no difficulty in getting out of the
+labyrinths.
+
+_Her_. A good plan; let us try it.
+
+_Ly_. Very well, which shall we start with? However, that will make no
+difference; we may begin with whomsoever we fancy, Pythagoras, say; how
+long shall we allow for learning the whole of Pythagoreanism? and do
+not omit the five years of silence; including those, I suppose thirty
+altogether will do; or, if you do not like that, still we cannot put it
+lower than twenty.
+
+_Her_. Put it at that.
+
+_Ly_. Plato will come next with as many more, and then Aristotle cannot do
+with less.
+
+_Her_. No.
+
+_Ly_. As to Chrysippus, I need not ask you; you have told me already that
+forty is barely enough.
+
+_Her_. That is so.
+
+_Ly_. And we have still Epicurus and the others. I am not taking high
+figures, either, as you will see if you reflect upon the number of
+octogenarian Stoics, Epicureans, and Platonists who confess that they
+have not yet completely mastered their own systems. Or, if they did not
+confess it, at any rate Chrysippus, Aristotle, and Plato would for them;
+still more Socrates, who is as good as they; he used to proclaim to all
+comers that, so far from knowing all, he knew nothing whatever, except
+the one fact of his own ignorance. Well, let us add up. Twenty years we
+gave Pythagoras, the same to Plato, and so to the others. What will the
+total come to, if we assume only ten schools?
+
+_Her_. Over two hundred years.
+
+_Ly_. Shall we deduct a quarter of that, and say a hundred and fifty
+will do? or can we halve it?
+
+_Her_. You must decide about that; but I see that, at the best, it
+will be but few who will get through the course, though they begin
+philosophy and life together.
+
+_Ly_. In that case, what are we to do? Must we withdraw our previous
+admission, that no one can choose the best out of many without trying
+all? We thought selection without experiment a method of inquiry
+savouring more of divination than of judgement, did we not?
+
+_Her_. Yes.
+
+_Ly_. Without such longevity, then, it is absolutely impossible for
+us to complete the series--experiment, selection, philosophy, Happiness.
+Yet anything short of that is a mere game of blindman's-buff; whatever we
+knock against and get hold of we shall be taking for the thing we want,
+because the truth is hidden from us. Even if a mere piece of luck brings
+us straight to it, we shall have no grounded conviction of our success;
+there are so many similar objects, all claiming to be the real thing.
+
+_Her_. Ah, Lycinus, your arguments seem to me more or less logical,
+but--but--to be frank with you--I hate to hear you going through them and
+wasting your acuteness. I suspect it was in an evil hour that I came out
+to-day and met you; my hopes were almost in my grasp; and now here are
+you plunging me into a slough of despond with your demonstrations; truth
+is undiscoverable, if the search needs so many years.
+
+_Ly_. My dear friend, it would be much fairer to blame your parents,
+Menecrates and whatever your mother's name may have been--or indeed to go
+still further back to human nature. Why did not they make you a Tithonus
+for years and durability? instead of which, they limited you like other
+men to a century at the outside. As for me, I have only been helping you
+to deduce results.
+
+_Her_. No, no; it is just your way; you want to crow over me; you
+detest philosophy--I cannot tell why--and poke fun at philosophers.
+
+_Ly_. Hermotimus, I cannot show what truth is, so well as wise people like
+you and your professor; but one thing I do know about it, and that is that
+it is not pleasant to the ear; falsehood is far more esteemed; it is
+prettier, and therefore pleasanter; while Truth, conscious of its purity,
+blurts out downright remarks, and offends people. Here is a case of it:
+even you are offended with me for having discovered (with your assistance)
+how this matter really stands, and shown that our common object is hard of
+attainment. Suppose you had been in love with a statue and hoped to win
+it, under the impression that it was human, and I had realized that it was
+only bronze or marble, and given you a friendly warning that your passion
+was hopeless--you might just as well have thought I was your enemy then,
+because I would not leave you a prey to extravagant and impracticable
+delusions.
+
+_Her_. Well, well; are we to give up philosophy, then, and idle our
+lives away like the common herd?
+
+_Ly_. What have I said to justify that? My point is not that we are
+to give up philosophy, but this: whereas we are to pursue philosophy, and
+whereas there are many roads, each professing to lead to philosophy and
+Virtue, and whereas it is uncertain which of these is the true road,
+therefore the selection shall be made with care. Now we resolved that it
+was impossible out of many offers to choose the best, unless a man should
+try all in turn; and then the process of trial was found to be long. What
+do _you_ propose?--It is the old question again. To follow and join
+philosophic forces with whomsoever you first fall in with, and let him
+thank Fortune for his proselyte?
+
+_Her_. What is the good of answering your questions? You say no one
+can judge for himself, unless he can devote the life of a phoenix to
+going round experimenting; and on the other hand you refuse to trust
+either previous experience or the multitude of favourable testimony.
+
+_Ly_. Where is your multitude, with knowledge and experience _of all_?
+Never mind the multitude; one man who answers the description will do for
+me. But if you mean the people who do not know, their mere numbers will
+never persuade me, as long as they pronounce upon all from knowledge of,
+at the most, one.
+
+_Her_. Are you the only man who has found the truth, and are all the
+people who go in for philosophy fools?
+
+_Ly_. You wrong me, Hermotimus, when you imply that I put myself
+above other people, or rank myself at all with those who know; you forget
+what I said; I never claimed to know the truth better than others, only
+confessed that I was as ignorant of it as every one else.
+
+_Her_. Well, but, Lycinus, it may be all very well to insist on going the
+round, testing the various statements, and eschewing any other method of
+choice; but it is ridiculous to spend so many years on each experiment, as
+though there were no such thing as judging from samples. That device seems
+to me quite simple, and economical of time. There is a story that some
+sculptor, Phidias, I think, seeing a single claw, calculated from it the
+size of the lion, if it were modelled proportionally. So, if some one were
+to let you see a man's hand, keeping the rest of his body concealed, you
+would know at once that what was behind was a man, without seeing his
+whole body. Well, it is easy to find out in a few hours the essential
+points of the various doctrines, and, for selecting the best, these will
+suffice, without any of your scrupulous exacting investigation.
+
+_Ly_. Upon my word, how confident you are in your faculty of divining the
+whole from the parts! and yet I remember being told just the
+opposite--that knowledge of the whole includes that of the parts, but not
+vice versa. Well, but tell me; when Phidias saw the claw, would he ever
+have known it for a lion's, if he had never seen a lion? Could you have
+said the hand was a man's, if you had never known or seen a man? Why are
+you dumb? Let me make the only possible answer for you--that you could
+_not_; I am afraid Phidias has modelled his lion all for nothing;
+for it proves to be neither here nor there. What resemblance is there?
+What enabled you and Phidias to recognize the parts was just your
+knowledge of the wholes--the lion and the man. But in philosophy--the
+Stoic, for instance--how will the part reveal the other parts to you, or
+how can you conclude that they are beautiful? You do not know the whole
+to which the parts belong.
+
+Then you say it is easy to hear in a few hours the essentials of all
+philosophy--meaning, I suppose, their principles and ends, their accounts
+of God and the soul, their views on the material and the immaterial,
+their respective identification of pleasure or goodness with the
+desirable and the Happy; well, it is easy--it is quite a trifle--to
+deliver an opinion after such a hearing; but really to _know_ where
+the truth lies will be work, I suspect, not for a few hours, but for a
+good many days. If not, what can have induced them to enlarge on these
+rudiments to the tune of a hundred or a thousand volumes apiece? I
+imagine they only wanted to establish the truth of those few points which
+you thought so easy and intelligible. If you refuse to spend your time on
+a conscientious selection, after personal examination of each and all, in
+sum and in detail, it seems to me you will still want your soothsayer to
+choose the best for you. It would be a fine short cut, with no
+meanderings or wastings of time, if you sent for him, listened to the
+summaries, and killed a victim at the end of each; by indicating in its
+liver which is the philosophy for you, the God would save you a pack of
+troubles.
+
+Or, if you like, I can suggest a still simpler way; you need not shed all
+this blood in sacrifice to any God, nor employ an expensive priest; put
+into an urn a set of tablets, each marked with a philosopher's name, and
+tell a boy (he must be quite young, and his parents both be living) to go
+to the urn and pick out whichever tablet his hand first touches; and live
+a philosopher ever after, of the school which then comes out triumphant.
+
+_Her_. This is buffoonery, Lycinus; I should not have expected it of you.
+Now tell me, did you ever buy wine? in person, I mean.
+
+_Ly_. Many a time.
+
+_Her_. Well, did you go to every wine vault in town, one after another,
+tasting and comparing?
+
+_Ly_. Certainly not.
+
+_Her_. No; as soon as you find good sound stuff, you have only to get it
+sent home.
+
+_Ly_. To be sure.
+
+_Her_. And from that little taste you could have answered for the quality
+of the whole?
+
+_Ly_. Yes.
+
+_Her_. Now suppose you had gone to all the wine-merchants and said: I want
+to buy a pint of wine; I must ask you, gentlemen, to let me drink the
+whole of the cask which each of you has on tap; after that exhaustive
+sampling, I shall know which of you keeps the best wine, and is the man
+for my money. If you had talked like that, they might have laughed at
+you, and, if you persisted in worrying them, have tried how you liked
+water.
+
+_Ly_. Yes; it would be no more than my deserts.
+
+_Her_. Apply this to philosophy. What need to drink the whole cask,
+when you can judge the quality of the whole from one little taste?
+
+_Ly_. What an adept at evasion you are, Hermotimus! How you slip
+through one's fingers! However, it is all the better this time; you
+fancied yourself out, but you have flopped into the net again.
+
+_Her_. What do you mean?
+
+_Ly_. You take a thing whose nature is self-evident and universally
+admitted, like wine, and argue from it to perfectly unlike things, whose
+nature is obscure and generally debated. In fact I cannot tell what
+analogy you find between philosophy and wine; there is just one, indeed:
+philosophers and wine-merchants both sell their wares, mostly resorting
+to adulteration, fraud, and false measures, in the process. But let us
+look into your real meaning. You say all the wine in a cask is of the
+same quality--which is perfectly reasonable; further, that any one who
+draws and tastes quite a small quantity will know at once the quality of
+the whole--of which the same may be said; I should never have thought of
+objecting. But mark what comes now: do philosophy and its professors
+(your own, for instance) give you every day the same remarks on the same
+subjects, or do they vary them? They vary them a great deal, friend; you
+would never have stuck to your master through your twenty years'
+wandering--quite a philosophic Odyssey--if he had always said the same
+thing; one hearing would have been enough.
+
+_Her_. So it would.
+
+_Ly_. How could you have known the whole of his doctrines from the
+first taste, then? They were not homogeneous, like the wine; novelty
+to-day, and novelty to-morrow on the top of it. Consequently, dear friend,
+short of drinking the whole cask, you might soak to no purpose;
+Providence seems to me to have hidden the philosophic Good right at the
+bottom, underneath the lees. So you will have to drain it dry, or you
+will never get to that nectar for which I know you have so long thirsted.
+According to your idea, it has such virtue that, could you once taste it
+and swallow the very least drop, you would straightway have perfect
+wisdom; so they say the Delphian prophetess is inspired by one draught of
+the sacred spring with answers for those who consult the oracle. But it
+seems not to be so; you have drunk more than half the cask; yet you told
+me you were only beginning yet.
+
+Now see whether this is not a better analogy. You shall keep your
+merchant, and your cask; but the contents of the latter are not to be
+wine, but assorted seeds. On the top is wheat, next beans, then barley,
+below that lentils, then peas--and other kinds yet. You go to buy seeds,
+and he takes some wheat out of that layer, and puts it in your hand as a
+sample; now, could you tell by looking at that whether the peas were
+Sound, the lentils tender, and the beans full?
+
+_Her_. Impossible.
+
+_Ly_. No more can you tell the quality of a philosophy from the first
+statements of its professor; it is not uniform, like the wine to which you
+compared it, claiming that it must resemble the sample glass; it is
+heterogeneous, and it had better not be cursorily tested. If you buy bad
+wine, the loss is limited to a few pence; but to rot with the common herd
+(in your own words) is not so light a loss. Moreover, your man who wants
+to drink up the cask as a preliminary to buying a pint will injure the
+merchant, with his dubious sampling; but philosophy knows no such danger;
+you may drink your fill, but this cask grows no emptier, and its owner
+suffers no loss. It is cut and come again here; we have the converse of
+the Danaids' cask; that would not hold what was put into it; it ran
+straight through; but here, the more you take away, the more remains.
+
+And I have another similar remark to make about these specimen drops of
+philosophy. Do not fancy I am libelling it, if I say it is like hemlock,
+aconite, or other deadly poison. Those too, though they have death in
+them, will not kill if a man scrapes off the tiniest particle with the
+edge of his nail and tastes it; if they are not taken in the right
+quantity, the right manner, and the right vehicle, the taker will not
+die; you were wrong in claiming that the least possible quantity is
+enough to base a generalization on.
+
+_Her_. Oh, have it your own way, Lycinus. Well then, we have got to live a
+hundred years, and go through all this trouble? There is no other road to
+philosophy?
+
+_Ly_. No, none; and we need not complain; as you very truly said, _ars
+longa, vita brevis_. But I do not know what has come over you; you now
+make a grievance of it, if you cannot before set of sun develop into a
+Chrysippus, a Plato, a Pythagoras.
+
+_Her_. You trap me, and drive me into a corner, Lycinus; yet I never
+provoked you; it is all envy, I know, because I have made some progress
+in my studies, whereas you have neglected yourself, when you were old
+enough to know better.
+
+_Ly_. Seest, then, thy true course? never mind me, but leave me as a
+lunatic to my follies, and you go on your way and accomplish what you
+have intended all this time.
+
+_Her_. But you are so masterful, you will not let me make a choice, till I
+have proved all.
+
+_Ly_. Why, I confess, you will never get me to budge from that. But when
+you call me masterful, it seems to me you blame the blameless, as the poet
+says; for I am myself being dragged along by reason, until you bring up
+some other reason to release me from durance. And here is reason about to
+talk more masterfully still, you will see; but I suppose you will
+exonerate it, and blame me.
+
+_Her_. What can it be? I am surprised to hear it still has anything in
+reserve.
+
+_Ly_. It says that seeing and going through all philosophies will not
+suffice, if you want to choose the best of them; the most important
+qualification is still missing.
+
+_Her_. Indeed? Which?
+
+_Ly_. Why (bear with me), a critical investigating faculty, mental acumen,
+intellectual precision and independence equal to the occasion; without
+this, the completest inspection will be useless. Reason insists that the
+owner of it must further be allowed ample time; he will collect the rival
+candidates together, and make his choice with long, lingering, repeated
+deliberation; he will give no heed to the candidate's age, appearance, or
+repute for wisdom, but perform his functions like the Areopagites, who
+judge in the darkness of night, so that they must regard not the pleaders,
+but the pleadings. Then and not till then will you be able to make a sound
+choice and live a philosopher.
+
+_Her_. Live? an after life, then. No mortal span will meet your demands;
+let me see: go the whole round, examine each with care, on that
+examination form a judgement, on that judgement make a choice, on that
+choice be a philosopher; so and no otherwise you say the truth may be
+found.
+
+_Ly_. I hardly dare tell you--even that is not exhaustive; I am afraid,
+after all, the solid basis we thought we had found was imaginary. You know
+how fishermen often let down their nets, feel a weight, and pull them up
+expecting a great haul; when they have got them up with much toil, behold,
+a stone, or an old pot full of sand. I fear our catch is one of those.
+
+_Her_. I don't know what this particular net may be; your nets are all
+round me, anyhow.
+
+_Ly_. Well, try and get through; providentially, you are as good a
+swimmer as can be. Now, this is it: granted that we go all round
+experimenting, and get it done at last, too, I do not believe we shall
+have solved the elementary question, whether _any_ of them has the
+much-desired; perhaps they are all wrong together.
+
+_Her_. Oh, come now! not one of _them_ right either?
+
+_Ly_. I cannot tell. Do you think it impossible they may all be deluded,
+and the truth be something which none of them has yet found?
+
+_Her_. How can it possibly be?
+
+_Ly_. This way: take a correct number, twenty; suppose, I mean, a man has
+twenty beans in his closed hand, and asks ten different persons to guess
+the number; they guess seven, five, thirty, ten, fifteen--various numbers,
+in short. It is possible, I suppose, that one may be right?
+
+_Her_. Yes.
+
+_Ly_. It is not impossible, however, that they may all guess different
+incorrect numbers, and not one of them suggest twenty beans. What say you?
+
+_Her_. It is not impossible.
+
+_Ly_. In the same way, all philosophers are investigating the nature of
+Happiness; they get different answers one Pleasure, another Goodness,
+and so through the list. It is probable that Happiness _is_ one of these;
+but it is also not improbable that it is something else altogether. We
+seem to have reversed the proper procedure, and hurried on to the end
+before we had found the beginning I suppose we ought first to have
+ascertained that the truth has actually been discovered, and that some
+philosopher or other has it, and only then to have gone on to the next
+question, _which_ of them is to be believed.
+
+_Her_. So that, even if we go all through all philosophy, we shall have no
+certainty of finding the truth even then; that is what you say.
+
+_Ly_. Please, please do not ask _me_; once more, apply to reason itself.
+Its answer will perhaps be that there can be no certainty yet--as long as
+we cannot be sure that it is one or other of the things they say it is.
+
+_Her_. Then, according to you, we shall never finish our quest nor
+be philosophers, but have to give it up and live the life of laymen. What
+you say amounts to that: philosophy is impossible and inaccessible to a
+mere mortal; for you expect the aspirant first to choose the best
+philosophy; and you considered that the only guarantee of such choice's
+being correct was to go through all philosophy before choosing the
+truest. Then in reckoning the number of years required by each you
+spurned all limits, extended the thing to several generations, and made
+out the quest of truth too long for the individual life; and now you
+crown all by proving success doubtful even apart from all that; you say
+it is uncertain whether the philosophers have ever found truth at all.
+
+_Ly_. Could you state on oath that they have?
+
+_Her_. Not on oath, no.
+
+_Ly_. And yet there is much that I have intentionally spared you, though
+it merits careful examination too.
+
+_Her_. For instance?
+
+_Ly_. Is it not said that, among the professed Stoics, Platonists, and
+Epicureans, some do know their respective doctrines, and some do not
+(without prejudice to their general respectability)?
+
+_Her_. That is true.
+
+_Ly_. Well, don't you think it will be a troublesome business to
+distinguish the first, and know them from the ignorant professors?
+
+_Her_. Very.
+
+_Ly_. So, if you are to recognize the best of the Stoics, you will have to
+go to most, if not all, of them, make trial, and appoint the best your
+teacher, first going through a course of training to provide you with the
+appropriate critical faculty; otherwise you might mistakenly prefer the
+wrong one. Now reflect on the additional time this will mean; I purposely
+left it out of account, because I was afraid you might be angry; all the
+same, it is the most important and necessary thing of all in questions
+like this--so uncertain and dubious, I mean. For the discovery of truth,
+your one and only sure or well-founded hope is the possession of this
+power: you _must_ be able to judge and sift truth from falsehood; you must
+have the assayer's sense for sound and true or forged coin; if you could
+have come to your examination of doctrines equipped with a technical skill
+like that, I should have nothing to say; but without it there is nothing
+to prevent their severally leading you by the nose; you will follow a
+dangled bunch of carrots like a donkey; or, better still, you will be
+water spilt on a table, trained whichever way one chooses with a
+finger-tip; or again, a reed growing on a river's bank, bending to every
+breath, however gentle the breeze that shakes it in its passage.
+
+If you could find a teacher, now, who understood demonstration and
+controversial method, and would impart his knowledge to you, you would be
+quit of your troubles; the best and the true would straightway be
+revealed to you, at the bidding of this art of demonstration, while
+falsehood would stand convicted; you would make your choice with
+confidence; judgement would be followed by philosophy; you would reach
+your long-desired Happiness, and live in its company, which sums up all
+good things.
+
+_Her_. Thank you, Lycinus; that is a much better hearing; there is
+more than a glimpse of hope in that. We must surely look for a man of
+that sort, to give us discernment, judgement, and, above all, the power
+of demonstration; then all will be easy and clear, and not too long. I am
+grateful to you already for thinking of this short and excellent plan.
+
+_Ly_. Ah, no, I cannot fairly claim gratitude yet. I have not discovered
+or revealed anything that will bring you nearer your hope; on the
+contrary, we are further off than ever; it is a case of much cry and
+little wool.
+
+_Her_. Bird of ill omen, pessimist, explain yourself.
+
+_Ly_. Why, my friend, even if we find some one who claims to know this art
+of demonstration, and is willing to impart it, we shall surely not take
+his word for it straight off; we shall look about for another man to
+resolve us whether the first is telling the truth. Finding number two, we
+shall still be uncertain whether our guarantor really knows the difference
+between a good judge and a bad, and shall need a number three to guarantee
+number two; for how can we possibly know ourselves how to select the best
+judge? You see how far this must go; the thing is unending; its nature
+does not allow us to draw the line and put a stop to it; for you will
+observe that all the demonstrations that can possibly be thought of are
+themselves unfounded and open to dispute; most of them struggle to
+establish their certainty by appealing to facts as questionable as
+themselves; and the rest produce certain truisms with which they compare,
+quite illegitimately, the most speculative theories, and then say they
+have demonstrated the latter: our eyes tell us there are altars to the
+Gods; therefore there must be Gods; that is the sort of thing.
+
+_Her_. How unkindly you treat me, Lycinus, turning my treasure into
+ashes; I suppose all these years are to have been lost labour.
+
+_Ly_. At least your chagrin will be considerably lessened by the
+thought that you are not alone in your disappointment; practically all
+who pursue philosophy do no more than disquiet themselves in vain. Who
+could conceivably go through all the stages I have rehearsed? you admit
+the impossibility yourself. As to your present mood, it is that of the
+man who cries and curses his luck because he cannot climb the sky, or
+plunge into the depths of the sea at Sicily and come up at Cyprus, or
+soar on wings and fly within the day from Greece to India; what is
+responsible for his discontent is his basing of hopes on a dream-vision
+or his own wild fancy, without ever asking whether his aspirations were
+realizable or consistent with humanity. You too, my friend, have been
+having a long and marvellous dream; and now reason has stuck a pin into
+you and startled you out of your sleep; your eyes are only half open yet,
+you are reluctant to shake off a sleep which has shown you such fair
+visions, and so you scold. It is just the condition of the day-dreamer;
+he is rolling in gold, digging up treasure, sitting on his throne, or
+somehow at the summit of bliss; for dame _How-I-wish_ is a lavish
+facile Goddess, that will never turn a deaf ear to her votary, though he
+have a mind to fly, or change statures with Colossus, or strike a gold-
+reef; well, in the middle of all this, in comes his servant with some
+every-day question, wanting to know where he is to get bread, or what he
+shall say to the landlord, tired of waiting for his rent; and then he
+flies into a temper, as though the intrusive questioner had robbed him of
+all his bliss, and is ready to bite the poor fellow's nose off.
+
+As you love me, do not treat me like that. I see you digging up treasure,
+spreading your wings, nursing extravagant ideas, indulging impossible
+hopes; and I love you too well to leave you to the company of a life-long
+dream--a pleasant one, if you will, but yet a dream; I beseech you to get
+up and take to some every-day business, such as may direct the rest of
+your life's course by common sense. Your acts and your thoughts up to now
+have been no more than Centaurs, Chimeras, Gorgons, or what else is
+figured by dreams and poets and painters, chartered libertines all, who
+reek not of what has been or may be. Yet the common folk believe them,
+bewitched by tale and picture just because they are strange and monstrous.
+
+I fancy you hearing from some teller of tales how there is a certain lady
+of perfect beauty, beyond the Graces themselves or the Heavenly
+Aphrodite, and then, without ever an inquiry whether his tale is true,
+and such a person to be found on earth, falling straight in love with
+her, like Medea in the story enamoured of a dream-Jason. And what most
+drew you on to love, you and the others who worship the same phantom,
+was, if I am not mistaken, the consistent way in which the inventor of
+the lady added to his picture, when once he had got your ear. That was
+the only thing you all looked to, with that he turned you about as he
+would, having got his first hold upon you, averring that he was leading
+you the straight way to your beloved. After the first step, you see, all
+was easy; none of you ever looked round when he came to the entrance, and
+inquired whether it was the right one, or whether he had accidentally
+taken the wrong; no, you all followed in your predecessors' footsteps,
+like sheep after the bell-wether, whereas the right thing was to decide
+at the entrance whether you should go in.
+
+Perhaps an illustration will make my meaning clearer: when one of those
+audacious poets affirms that there was once a three-headed and six-handed
+man, if you accept that quietly without questioning its possibility, he
+will proceed to fill in the picture consistently--six eyes and ears,
+three voices talking at once, three mouths eating, and thirty fingers
+instead of our poor ten all told; if he has to fight, three of his hands
+will have a buckler, wicker targe, or shield apiece, while of the other
+three one swings an axe, another hurls a spear, and the third wields a
+sword. It is too late to carp at these details, when they come; they are
+consistent with the beginning; it was about that that the question ought
+to have been raised whether it was to be accepted and passed as true.
+Once grant that, and the rest comes flooding in, irresistible, hardly now
+susceptible of doubt, because it is consistent and accordant with your
+initial admissions. That is just your case; your love-yearning would not
+allow you to look into the facts at each entrance, and so you are dragged
+on by consistency; it never occurs to you that a thing may be self-
+consistent and yet false; if a man says twice five is seven, and you take
+his word for it without checking the sum, he will naturally deduce that
+four times five is fourteen, and so on _ad libitum_. This is the way
+that weird geometry proceeds: it sets before beginners certain strange
+assumptions, and insists on their granting the existence of inconceivable
+things, such as points having no parts, lines without breadth, and so on,
+builds on these rotten foundations a superstructure equally rotten, and
+pretends to go on to a demonstration which is true, though it starts from
+premisses which are false.
+
+Just so you, when you have granted the principles of any school, believe
+in the deductions from them, and take their consistency, false as it is,
+for a guarantee of truth. Then with some of you, hope travels through,
+and you die before you have seen the truth and detected your deceivers,
+while the rest, disillusioned too late, will not turn back for shame:
+what, confess at their years that they have been abused with toys all
+this time? so they hold on desperately, putting the best face upon it and
+making all the converts they can, to have the consolation of good company
+in their deception; they are well aware that to speak out is to sacrifice
+the respect and superiority and honour they are accustomed to; so they
+will not do it if it may be helped, knowing the height from which they
+will fall to the common level. Just a few are found with the courage to
+say they were deluded, and warn other aspirants. Meeting such a one, call
+him a good man, a true and an honest; nay, call him philosopher, if you
+will; to my mind, the name is his or no one's; the rest either have no
+knowledge of the truth, though they think they have, or else have
+knowledge and hide it, shamefaced cowards clinging to reputation.
+
+But now for goodness' sake let us drop all this, cover it up with an
+amnesty, and let it be as if it had not been said; let us, assume that
+the Stoic philosophy, and no other, is correct; then we can examine
+whether it is practicable and possible, or its disciples wasting their
+pains; it makes wonderful promises, I am told, about the Happiness in
+store for those who reach the summit; for none but they shall enter into
+full possession of the true Good. The next point you must help me with--
+whether you have ever met such a Stoic, such a pattern of Stoicism, as to
+be unconscious of pain, untempted by pleasure, free from wrath, superior
+to envy, contemptuous of wealth, and, in one word, Happy; such should the
+example and model of the Virtuous life be; for any one who falls short in
+the slightest degree, even though he is better than other men at all
+points, is not complete, and in that case not yet Happy.
+
+_Her_. I never saw such a man.
+
+_Ly_. I am glad you do not palter with the truth. But what are your hopes
+in pursuing philosophy, then? You see that neither your own teacher, nor
+his, nor his again, and so on to the tenth generation, has been absolutely
+wise and so attained Happiness. It will not serve you to say that it is
+enough to get near Happiness; that is no good; a person on the doorstep is
+just as much outside and in the air as another a long way off, though with
+the difference that the former is tantalized by a nearer view. So it is to
+get into the neighbourhood of Happiness--I will grant you so much--that
+you toil like this, wearing yourself away, letting this great portion of
+your life slip from you, while you are sunk in dullness and wakeful
+weariness; and you are to go on with it for twenty more years at the
+least, you tell me, to take your place when you are eighty--always
+assuming some one to assure you that length of days--in the ranks of the
+not yet Happy. Or perhaps you reckon on being the exception; you are to
+crown your pursuit by attaining what many a good man before you, swifter
+far, has pursued and never overtaken.
+
+Well, overtake it, if that is your plan, grasp it and have it whole, this
+something, mysterious to me, of which the possession is sufficient reward
+for such toils; this something which I wonder how long you will have the
+enjoyment of, old man that you will be, past all pleasure, with one foot
+in the grave; ah, but perhaps, like a brave soul, you are getting ready
+for another life, that you may spend it the better when you come to it,
+having learned how to live: as though one should take so long preparing
+and elaborating a superlative dinner that he fainted with hunger and
+exhaustion!
+
+However, there is another thing I do not think you have observed: Virtue
+is manifested, of course, in action, in doing what is just and wise and
+manly; but you--and when I say you, I mean the most advanced
+philosophers--you do not seek these things and ensue them, but spend the
+greater part of your life conning over miserable sentences and
+demonstrations and problems; it is the man who does best at these that
+you hail a glorious victor. And I believe that is why you admire this
+experienced old professor of yours: he nonplusses his associates, knows
+how to put crafty questions and inveigle you into pitfalls; so you pay no
+attention to the fruit--which consists in action--, but are extremely
+busy with the husks, and smother each other with the leaves in your
+debates; come now, Hermotimus, what else are you about from morning to
+night?
+
+_Her_. Nothing; that is what it comes to.
+
+_Ly_. Is it wronging you to say that you hunt the shadow or the snake's
+dead slough, and neglect the solid body or the creeping thing itself? You
+are no better than a man pouring water into a mortar and braying it with
+an iron pestle; he thinks he is doing a necessary useful job, whereas, let
+him bray till all's blue (excuse the slang), the water is as much water as
+ever it was.
+
+And here let me ask you whether, putting aside his discourse, you would
+choose to resemble your master, and be as passionate, as sordid, as
+quarrelsome, ay, and as addicted to pleasure (though that trait of his is
+not generally known). Why no answer, Hermotimus? Shall I tell you a plea
+for philosophy which I lately heard? It was from the mouth of an old, old
+man, who has quite a company of young disciples. He was angrily demanding
+his fees from one of these; they were long overdue, he said; the day
+stated in the agreement was the first of the month, and it was now the
+fifteenth.
+
+The youth's uncle was there, a rustic person without any notion of your
+refinements; and by way of stilling the storm, _Come, come, sir_, says he,
+_you need not make such a fuss because we have bought words of you and not
+yet settled the bill. As to what you have sold us, you have got it still;
+your stock of learning is none the less; and in what I really sent the boy
+to you for, you have not improved him a bit; he has carried off and
+seduced neighbour Echecrates's daughter, and there would have been an
+action for assault, only Echecrates is a poor man; but the prank cost me a
+couple of hundred. And the other day he struck his mother; she had tried
+to stop him when he was smuggling wine out of the house, for one of his
+club-dinners, I suppose. As to temper and conceit and impudence and brass
+and lying, he was not half so bad twelve months ago as he is now. That is
+where I should have liked him to profit by your teaching; and we could
+have done, without his knowing the stuff he reels of at table every day:
+'a crocodile [Footnote: See _Puzzles_ in Notes.] seized hold of a baby,'
+says he, 'and promised to give it back if its father could answer'--the
+Lord knows what; or how, 'day [Footnote: See _Puzzles_ in Notes.] being,
+night cannot be'; and sometimes his worship twists round what we say
+somehow or other, till there we are with horns [Footnote: See _Puzzles_ in
+Notes.] on our heads! We just laugh at it--most of all when he stuffs up
+his ears and repeats to himself what he calls temperaments and conditions
+and conceptions and impressions, and a lot more like that. And he tells us
+God is not in heaven, but goes about in everything, wood and stone and
+animals--the meanest of them, too; and if his mother asks him why he talks
+such stuff, he laughs at her and says if once he gets the 'stuff' pat off,
+there will be nothing to prevent him from being the only rich man, the
+only king, and counting every one else slaves and offscourings._
+
+When he had finished, mark the reverend philosopher's answer. _You should
+consider_, he said, _that if he had never come to me, he would have
+behaved far worse--very possibly have come to the gallows. As it is,
+philosophy and the respect he has for it have been a check upon him, so
+that you find he keeps within bounds and is not quite unbearable; the
+philosophic system and name tutor him with their presence, and the
+thought of disgracing them shames him. I should be quite justified in
+taking your money, if not for any positive improvement I have effected,
+yet for the abstentions due to his respect for philosophy; the very
+nurses will tell you as much: children should go to school, because, even
+if they are not old enough to learn, they will at least be out of
+mischief there. My conscience is quite easy about him; if you like to
+select any of your friends who is acquainted with Stoicism and bring him
+here to-morrow, you shall see how the boy can question and answer, how
+much he has learnt, how many books he has read on axioms, syllogisms,
+conceptions, duty, and all sorts of subjects. As for his hitting his
+mother or seducing girls, what have I to do with that? am I his keeper?_
+
+A dignified defence of philosophy for an old man! Perhaps _you_ will say
+too that it is a good enough reason for pursuing it, if it will keep us
+from worse employments. Were our original expectations from philosophy
+at all of a different nature, by the way? did they contemplate anything
+beyond a more decent behaviour than the average? Why this obstinate
+silence?
+
+_Her_. Oh, why but that I could cry like a baby? It cuts me to the
+heart, it is all so true; it is too much for me, when I think of my
+wretched, wasted years--paying all that money for my own labour, too! I
+am sober again after a debauch, I see what the object of my maudlin
+affection is like, and what it has brought upon me.
+
+_Ly_. No need for tears, dear fellow; that is a very sensible fable
+of Aesop's. A man sat on the shore and counted the waves breaking;
+missing count, he was excessively annoyed. But the fox came up and said
+to him: 'Why vex yourself, good sir, over the past ones? you should let
+them go, and begin counting afresh.' So you, since this is your mind, had
+better reconcile yourself now to living like an ordinary man; you will
+give up your extravagant haughty hopes and put yourself on a level with
+the commonalty; if you are sensible, you will not be ashamed to unlearn
+in your old age, and change your course for a better.
+
+Now I beg you not to fancy that I have said all this as an anti-Stoic,
+moved by any special dislike of your school; my arguments hold against
+all schools. I should have said just the same if you had chosen Plato or
+Aristotle, and condemned the others unheard. But, as Stoicism was your
+choice, the argument has seemed to be aimed at that, though it had no
+such special application.
+
+_Her_. You are quite right. And now I will be off to metamorphose
+myself. When we next meet, there will be no long, shaggy beard, no
+artificial composure; I shall be natural, as a gentleman should. I may go
+as far as a fashionable coat, by way of publishing my renunciation of
+nonsense. I only wish there were an emetic that would purge out every
+doctrine they have instilled into me; I assure you, if I could reverse
+Chrysippus's plan with the hellebore, and drink forgetfulness, not of the
+world but of Stoicism, I would not think twice about it. Well, Lycinus, I
+owe you a debt indeed; I was being swept along in a rough turbid torrent,
+unresisting, drifting with the stream; when lo, you stood there and
+fished me out, a true _deus ex machina_. I have good enough reason,
+I think, to shave my head like the people who get clear off from a wreck;
+for I am to make votive offerings to-day for the dispersion of that thick
+cloud which was over my eyes. Henceforth, if I meet a philosopher on my
+walks (and it will not be with my will), I shall turn aside and avoid him
+as I would a mad dog.
+
+
+
+
+HERODOTUS AND AETION
+
+
+I devoutly wish that Herodotus's other characteristics were imitable; not
+all of them, of course--that is past praying for--, but any one of them:
+the agreeable style, the constructive skill, the native charm of his
+Ionic, the sententious wealth, or any of a thousand beauties which he
+combined into one whole, to the despair of imitators. But there is one
+thing--the use he made of his writings, and the speed with which he
+attained the respect of all Greece; from that you, or I, or any one else,
+might take a hint. As soon as he had sailed from his Carian home for
+Greece, he concentrated his thoughts on the quickest and easiest method
+of winning a brilliant reputation for himself and his works. He might
+have gone the round, and read them successively at Athens, Corinth,
+Argos, and Sparta; but that would be a long toilsome business, he
+thought, with no end to it; so he would not do it in detail, collecting
+his recognition by degrees, and scraping it together little by little;
+his idea was, if possible, to catch all Greece together. The great
+Olympic Games were at hand, and Herodotus bethought him that here was the
+very occasion on which his heart was set. He seized the moment when the
+gathering was at its fullest, and every city had sent the flower of its
+citizens; then he appeared in the temple hall, bent not on sight-seeing,
+but on bidding for an Olympic victory of his own; he recited his
+_Histories_, and bewitched his hearers; nothing would do but each
+book must be named after one of the Muses, to whose number they
+corresponded.
+
+He was straightway known to all, better far than the Olympic winners.
+There was no man who had not heard his name; they had listened to him at
+Olympia, or they were told of him by those who had been there; he had
+only to appear, and fingers were pointing at him: 'There is the great
+Herodotus, who wrote the Persian War in Ionic, and celebrated our
+victories.' That was what he made out of his _Histories_; a single
+meeting sufficed, and he had the general unanimous acclamation of all
+Greece; his name was proclaimed, not by a single herald; every spectator
+did that for him, each in his own city.
+
+The royal road to fame was now discovered; it was the regular practice of
+many afterwards to deliver their discourses at the festival; Hippias the
+rhetorician was on his own ground there; but Prodicus came from Ceos,
+Anaximenes from Chios, Polus from Agrigentum; and a rapid fame it
+brought, to them and many others.
+
+However, I need not have cited ancient rhetoricians, historians, and
+chroniclers like these; in quite recent times the painter Aetion is said
+to have brought his picture, _Nuptials of Roxana and Alexander_, to
+exhibit at Olympia; and Proxenides, High Steward of the Games on the
+occasion, was so delighted with his genius that he gave him his daughter.
+
+It must have been a very wonderful picture, I think I hear some one say,
+to make the High Steward give his daughter to a stranger. Well, I have
+seen it--it is now in Italy--, so I can tell you. A fair chamber, with
+the bridal bed in it; Roxana seated--and a great beauty she is--with
+downcast eyes, troubled by the presence of Alexander, who is standing.
+Several smiling Loves; one stands behind Roxana, pulling away the veil on
+her head to show her to Alexander; another obsequiously draws off her
+sandal, suggesting bed-time; a third has hold of Alexander's mantle, and
+is dragging him with all his might towards Roxana. The King is offering
+her a garland, and by him as supporter and groom's-man is Hephaestion,
+holding a lighted torch and leaning on a very lovely boy; this is
+Hymenaeus, I conjecture, for there are no letters to show. On the other
+side of the picture, more Loves playing among Alexander's armour; two are
+carrying his spear, as porters do a heavy beam; two more grasp the
+handles of the shield, tugging it along with another reclining on it,
+playing king, I suppose; and then another has got into the breast-plate,
+which lies hollow part upwards; he is in ambush, and will give the royal
+equipage a good fright when it comes within reach.
+
+All this is not idle fancy, on which the painter has been lavishing
+needless pains; he is hinting that Alexander has also another love, in
+War; though he loves Roxana, he does not forget his armour. And, by the
+way, there was some extra nuptial virtue in the picture itself, outside
+the realm of fancy; for it did Aetion's wooing for him. He departed with
+a wedding of his own as a sort of pendant to that of Alexander;
+_his_ groom's-man was the King; and the price of his marriage-piece
+was a marriage.
+
+Herodotus, then (to return to him), thought that the Olympic festival
+would serve a second purpose very well--that of revealing to the Greeks a
+wonderful historian who had related their victories as he had done. As
+for me--and in Heaven's name do not suppose me so beside myself as to
+intend any comparison between my works and his; I desire his favour too
+much for that--but one experience I have in common with him. On my first
+visit to Macedonia, _my_ thoughts too were busy with my best policy.
+My darling wish was to be known to you all, and to exhibit my writings to
+as many Macedonians as might be; I decided that it would be too great an
+undertaking at such a time of year to go round in person visiting city by
+city; but if I seized the occasion of this your meeting, appeared before
+you all, and delivered my discourse, my aspirations, I thought, might be
+realized that way.
+
+And now here are you met together, the _elite_ of every city, the
+true soul of Macedonia; the town which lodges you is the chief of all,
+little enough resembling Pisa, with its crowding, its tents and hovels
+and stifling heat; there is as great a difference between this audience
+and that promiscuous crowd, mainly intent upon mere athletics, and
+thinking of Herodotus only as a stop-gap; here we have orators,
+historians, professors, the first in each kind--that is much in itself;
+my arena, it seems, need not suffer from comparison with Olympia. And
+though, if you insist on matching me with the Polydamases, Glaucuses, and
+Milos of literature, you must think me a very presumptuous person, it is
+open to you on the other hand to put them out of your thoughts
+altogether; and if you strip and examine me independently, you may decide
+that at least I need not be whipped. [Footnote: Cf. _Remarks addressed
+to an Illiterate Book-fancier_, 9.] Considering the nature of the
+contest, I may well be satisfied with that measure of success.
+
+
+
+
+ZEUXIS AND ANTIOCHUS
+
+
+I was lately walking home after lecturing, when a number of my audience
+(you are now my friends, gentlemen, and there can be no objection to my
+telling you this)--these persons, then, came to me and introduced
+themselves, with the air of admiring hearers. They accompanied me a
+considerable way, with such laudatory exclamations that I was reduced to
+blushing at the discrepancy between praise and thing praised. Their chief
+point, which they were absolutely unanimous in emphasizing, was that the
+substance of my work was so fresh, so crammed with novelty. I had better
+give you their actual phrases: 'How new! What paradoxes, to be sure! What
+invention the man has! His ideas are quite unequalled for originality.'
+They said a great deal of this sort about my fascinating lecture, as they
+called it; they could have had no motive for pretending, or addressing
+such flatteries to a stranger who had no independent claims on their
+attention.
+
+These commendations, to be quite frank, were very far from gratifying to
+me; when at length they left me to myself, my reflections took this
+course:--_So the only attraction in my work is that it is unusual, and
+does not follow the beaten track; good vocabulary, orthodox composition,
+insight, subtlety, Attic grace, general constructive skill--these may for
+aught I know be completely wanting; else indeed they would hardly have
+left them unnoticed, and approved my method only as new and startling.
+Fool that I was, I did indeed guess, when they jumped up to applaud, that
+novelty was part of the attraction; I knew that Homer spoke truly when he
+said there is favour for the new song; but I did not see that novelty was
+to have so vast a share--the whole, indeed--of the credit; I thought it
+gave a sort of adventitious charm, and contributed, its part to the
+success, but that the real object of commendation--what extracted the
+cheers--was those other qualities. Why, I have been absurdly self-
+satisfied, and come very near believing them when they called me the one
+and only real Greek, and such nonsense. But behold, my gold is turned to
+ashes; my fame, after all, is little different from that enjoyed by a
+conjuror._
+
+Now I should like to give you an illustration from painting. The great
+Zeuxis, after he had established his artistic supremacy, seldom or never
+painted such common popular subjects as Heroes, Gods, and battle-pieces;
+he was always intent on novelty; he would hit upon some extravagant and
+strange design, and then use it to show his mastery of the art. One of
+these daring pieces of his represented a female Centaur, nursing a pair
+of infant Centaur twins. There is a copy of the picture now at Athens,
+taken exactly from the original. The latter is said to have been put on
+ship--board for Italy with the rest of Sulla's art treasures, and to have
+been lost with them by the sinking of the ship, off Malea, I think it
+was. The picture of the picture I have seen, and the best word-picture I
+can manage of that I am now to give you; I am no connoisseur, you must
+understand, but I have a vivid recollection of it as I saw it in an
+Athenian studio not long ago; and my warm admiration of it as a work of
+art may perhaps inspire me with a clear description.
+
+On fresh green-sward appears the mother Centaur, the whole equine part of
+her stretched on the ground, her hoofs extended backwards; the human part
+is slightly raised on the elbows; the fore feet are not extended like the
+others, for she is only partially on her side; one of them is bent as in
+the act of kneeling, with the hoof tucked in, while the other is
+beginning to straighten and take a hold on the ground--the action of a
+horse rising. Of the cubs she is holding one in her arms suckling it in
+the human fashion, while the other is drawing at the mare's dug like a
+foal. In the upper part of the picture, as on higher ground, is a Centaur
+who is clearly the husband of the nursing mother; he leans over laughing,
+visible only down to the middle of his horse body; he holds a lion whelp
+aloft in his right hand, terrifying the youngsters with it in sport.
+
+There are no doubt qualities in the painting which evade analysis by a
+mere amateur, and yet involve supreme craftsmanship--such things as
+precision of line, perfect mastery of the palette, clever brush-work,
+management of shadow, perspective, proportion, and relation of the parts
+to the whole; but I leave all that to the professionals whose business it
+is to appreciate it; what strikes _me_ especially about Zeuxis is
+the manifold scope which he has found for his extraordinary skill, in a
+single subject. You have in the husband a truly terrible savage creature;
+his locks toss about, he is almost covered with hair, human part as well
+as equine; the shoulders high to monstrosity; the look, even in his merry
+mood, brutal, uncivilized, wild.
+
+In contrast with him, the animal half of the female is lovely; a
+Thessalian filly, yet unbroken and unbacked, might come nearest; and the
+human upper half is also most beautiful, with the one exception of the
+ears, which are pointed as in a satyr. At the point of junction which
+blends the two natures, there is no sharp line of division, but the most
+gradual of transitions; a touch here, a trait there, and you are
+surprised to find the change complete. It was perfectly wonderful, again,
+to see the combination of wildness and infancy, of terrible and tender,
+in the young ones, looking up in baby curiosity at the lion-cub, while
+they held on to breast and dug, and cuddled close to their dam.
+
+Zeuxis imagined that when the picture was shown the technique of it would
+take visitors by storm. Well, they did acclaim him; they could hardly
+help that, with such a masterpiece before them; but their commendations
+were all in the style of those given to me the other night; it was the
+strangeness of the idea, the fresh unhackneyed sentiment of the picture,
+and so on. Zeuxis saw that they were preoccupied with the novelty of his
+subject, art was at a discount, and truth of rendering quite a minor
+matter. 'Oh, pack it up, Miccio,' he said to his pupil, 'and you and the
+others take it home; these people are delighted with the earthy part of
+the work; the questions of its aim, its beauty, its artistic merit, are
+of no importance whatever; novelty of subject goes for much more than
+truth of rendering.'
+
+So said Zeuxis, not in the best of tempers. Antiochus Soter had a
+somewhat similar experience about his battle with the Galatians. If you
+will allow me, I propose to give you an account of that event also. These
+people were good fighters, and on this occasion in great force; they were
+drawn up in a serried phalanx, the first rank, which consisted of steel-
+clad warriors, being supported by men of the ordinary heavy-armed type to
+the depth of four-and-twenty; twenty thousand cavalry held the flanks;
+and there were eighty scythed, and twice that number of ordinary war
+chariots ready to burst forth from the centre. These dispositions filled
+Antiochus with apprehension, and he thought the task was too hard for
+him. His own preparations had been hurried, on no great scale, and
+inadequate to the occasion; he had brought quite a small force, mostly of
+skirmishers and light-armed troops; more than half his men were without
+defensive armour. He was disposed to negotiate and find some honourable
+composition.
+
+Theodotas of Rhodes, however, a brave and skilful officer, put him in
+heart again. Antiochus had sixteen elephants; Theodotas advised him to
+conceal these as well as he could for the present, not letting their
+superior height betray them; when the signal for battle was given, the
+shock just at hand, the enemy's cavalry charging, and their phalanx
+opening to give free passage to the chariots, then would be the time for
+the elephants. A section of four was to meet the cavalry on each flank,
+and the remaining eight to engage the chariot squadron. 'By this means,'
+he concluded, 'the horses will be frightened, and there will be a
+stampede into the Galatian infantry.' His anticipations were realized,
+thus:
+
+Neither the Galatians nor their horses had ever seen an elephant, and
+they were so taken aback by the strange sight that, long before the
+beasts came to close quarters, the mere sound of their trumpeting, the
+sight of their gleaming tusks relieved against dark bodies, and minatory
+waving trunks, was enough; before they were within bow-shot, the enemy
+broke and ran in utter disorder; the infantry were spitted on each
+other's spears, and trampled by the cavalry who came scurrying on to
+them. The chariots, turning in like manner upon their own friends,
+whirled about among them by no means harmlessly; it was a Homeric scene
+of 'rumbling tumbling cars'; when once the horses shied at those
+formidable elephants, off went the drivers, and 'the lordless chariots
+rattled on,' their scythes maiming and carving any of their late masters
+whom they came within reach of; and, in that chaos, many were the
+victims. Next came the elephants, trampling, tossing, tearing, goring;
+and a very complete victory they had made of it for Antiochus.
+
+The carnage was great, and all the Galatians were either killed or
+captured, with the exception of a quite small band which got off to the
+mountains; Antiochus's Macedonians sang the Paean, gathered round,
+and garlanded him with acclamations on the glorious victory. But the
+King--so the story goes--was in tears; 'My men,' he said, 'we have more
+reason for shame; saved by those sixteen brutes! if their strangeness
+had not produced the panic, where should we have been?' And on the
+trophy he would have nothing carved except just an elephant.
+
+Gentlemen, _de me fabula_; are my resources like those of Antiochus--
+quite unfit for battle on the whole, but including some elephants, some
+queer impositions, some jugglery, in fact? That is what all the praise I
+hear points at. The things I really relied upon seem to be of little
+account; the mere fact that my picture is of a female Centaur exercises
+fascination; it passes for a novelty and a marvel, as indeed it is. The
+rest of Zeuxis's pains is thrown away, I suppose. But ah, no, not thrown
+away--; _you_ are connoisseurs, and judge by the rules of art. I
+only hope the show may be worthy of the spectators.
+
+
+
+
+HARMONIDES
+
+
+'Tell me, Timotheus,' said Harmonides the flute-player one day to his
+teacher, 'tell me how I may win distinction in my art. What can I do to
+make myself known all over Greece? Everything but this you have taught
+me. I have a correct ear, thanks to you, and a smooth, even delivery, and
+have acquired the light touch so essential to the rendering of rapid
+measures; rhythmical effect, the adaptation of music to dance, the true
+character of the different moods--exalted Phrygian, joyous Lydian,
+majestic Dorian, voluptuous Ionic--all these I have mastered with your
+assistance. But the prime object of my musical aspirations seems out of
+my reach: I mean popular esteem, distinction, and notoriety; I would have
+all eyes turn in my direction, all tongues repeat my name: "There goes
+Harmonides, the great flute-player." Now when _you_ first came from
+your home in Boeotia, and performed in the _Procne_, and won the
+prize for your rendering of the _Ajax Furens_, composed by your
+namesake, there was not a man who did not know the name of Timotheus of
+Thebes; and in these days you have only to show yourself, and people
+flock together as birds do at the sight of an owl in daylight. It is for
+this that I sought to become a flute-player; this was to be the reward of
+all my toil. The skill without the glory I would not take at a gift, not
+though I should prove to be a Marsyas or an Olympus in disguise. What is
+the use of a light that is to be hidden under a bushel? Show me then,
+Timotheus, how I may avail myself of my powers and of my art. I shall be
+doubly your debtor: not for my skill alone, but for the glory that skill
+confers.'
+
+'Why, really,' says Timotheus, 'it is no such easy matter, Harmonides, to
+become a public character, or to gain the prestige and distinction to
+which you aspire; and if you propose to set about it by performing in
+public, you will find it a long business, and at the best will never
+achieve a universal reputation. Where will you find a theatre or circus
+large enough to admit the whole nation as your audience? But if you would
+attain your object and become known, take this hint. By all means perform
+occasionally in the theatres, but do not concern yourself with the
+public. Here is the royal road to fame: get together a small and select
+audience of connoisseurs, real experts, whose praise, whose blame are
+equally to be relied upon; display your skill to these; and if you can
+win _their_ approval, you may rest content that in a single hour you
+have gained a national reputation. I argue thus. If you are known to be
+an admirable performer by persons who are themselves universally known
+and admired, what have you to do with public opinion? Public opinion must
+inevitably follow the opinion of the best judges. The public after all is
+mainly composed of untutored minds, that know not good from bad
+themselves; but when they hear a man praised by the great authorities,
+they take it for granted that he is not undeserving of praise, and praise
+him accordingly. It is the same at the games: most of the spectators know
+enough to clap or hiss, but the judging is done by some five or six
+persons.'
+
+Harmonides had no time to put this policy into practice. The story goes
+that in his first public competition he worked so energetically at his
+flute, that he breathed his last into it, and expired then and there,
+before he could be crowned. His first Dionysiac performance was also his
+last.
+
+But Timotheus's remarks need not be confined to Harmonides, nor to his
+profession: they seem applicable to all whose ambition prompts them to
+exhibit their talents and to aim at the approbation of the public.
+Accordingly, when I, like Harmonides, was debating within myself the
+speediest means of becoming known, I took Timotheus's advice: 'Who,' I
+asked myself, 'is the foremost man in all this city? Whose credit is
+highest with his neighbours? Who shall be my _multum in parvo_?'
+Only one name could reasonably suggest itself--your own; which stands for
+the perfection of every excellence, the glass of culture and the mould of
+wit. To submit my works to you, to win _your_ approbation--if such a
+thing might be!--were to reach the goal of my desire; for your suffrage
+carries the rest with it. Whom, indeed, could I substitute in your place,
+and hope to preserve a reputation for sanity? In a sense, no doubt, I
+shall be hazarding all on one cast of the die: yet with more truth I
+might be said to have summoned the whole population into one audience-
+chamber; for your single judgement must assuredly outweigh the rest,
+taken individually or collectively. The Spartan kings had two votes each
+to the ordinary man's one: but you are a whole Privy Council and Senate
+in yourself. Your influence is unequalled in the Court of Literature,
+and, above all, yours is the casting-vote of acquittal; an encouraging
+thought for me, who might well be uneasy otherwise at the extent of my
+hardihood. Moreover, I am not wholly without a claim on your interest, as
+belonging to that city which has so often enjoyed peculiar benefits at
+your hand, in addition to those which it has shared with the nation at
+large; and this encourages me to hope that in the present instance, if
+judgement is going against me, and the votes of acquittal are in a
+minority, you will use your prerogative, and make all right with that
+casting-vote of yours. I may have had successes, I may have made a name,
+my lectures may have been well received:--all this amounts to nothing; it
+is visionary; it is a mere bubble. The truth must come to light now; I am
+put to a final test; there will be no room for doubt or hesitation after
+this. It rests with you, whether my literary rank shall be assured, or my
+pretensions--but no! with such a contest before me, I will abstain from
+words of evil omen.
+
+Ye Gods, give me approval _here_, and set the seal upon my
+reputation! I may then face the world with a light heart: he who has
+carried the prize at Olympia need fear no other course.
+
+
+
+
+THE SCYTHIAN
+
+
+Anacharsis was not the first Scythian who was induced by the love of
+Greek culture to leave his native country and visit Athens: he had been
+preceded by Toxaris, a man of high ability and noble sentiments, and an
+eager student of manners and customs; but of low origin, not like
+Anacharsis a member of the royal family or of the aristocracy of his
+country, but what they call _'an eight-hoof man,'_ a term which
+implies the possession of a waggon and two oxen. Toxaris never returned
+to Scythia, but died at Athens, where he presently came to be ranked
+among the Heroes; and sacrifice is still paid to 'the Foreign Physician,'
+as he was styled after his deification. Some account of the significance
+of this name, the origin of his worship, and his connexion with the sons
+of Asclepius, will not, I think, be out of place: for it will be seen
+from this that the Scythians, in conferring immortality on mortals, and
+sending them to keep company with Zamolxis, do not stand alone; since the
+Athenians permit themselves to make Gods of Scythians upon Greek soil.
+
+At the time of the great plague, the wife of Architeles the Areopagite
+had a vision: the Scythian Toxaris stood over her and commanded her to
+tell the Athenians that the plague would cease if they would sprinkle
+their back-streets with wine. The Athenians attended to his instructions,
+and after several sprinklings had been performed, the plague troubled
+them no more; whether it was that the perfume of the wine neutralized
+certain noxious vapours, or that the hero, being a medical hero, had some
+other motive for his advice. However that may be, he continues to this
+day to draw a fee for his professional services, in the shape of a white
+horse, which is sacrificed on his tomb. This tomb was pointed out by
+Dimaenete as the place from which he issued with his instructions about
+the wine; and beneath it Toxaris was found buried, his identity being
+established not merely by the inscription, of which only a part remained
+legible, but also by the figure engraved on the monument, which was that
+of a Scythian, with a bow, ready strung, in his left hand, and in the
+right what appeared to be a book. You may still make out more than half
+the figure, with the bow and book complete: but the upper portion of the
+stone, including the face, has suffered from the ravages of time. It is
+situated not far from the Dipylus, on your left as you leave the Dipylus
+for the Academy. The mound is of no great size, and the pillar lies
+prostrate: yet it never lacks a garland, and there are statements to the
+effect that fever-patients have been known to be cured by the hero; which
+indeed is not surprising, considering that he once healed an entire city.
+
+However, my reason for mentioning Toxaris was this. He was still alive,
+when Anacharsis landed at Piraeus and made his way up to Athens, in no
+small perturbation of spirit; a foreigner and a barbarian, everything was
+strange to him, and many things caused him uneasiness; he knew not what
+to do with himself; he saw that every one was laughing at his attire; he
+could find no one to speak his native tongue;--in short he was heartily
+sick of his travels, and made up his mind that he would just see Athens,
+and then retreat to his ship without loss of time, get on board, and so
+back to the Bosphorus; once there he had no great journey to perform
+before he would be home again. In this frame of mind he had already
+reached the Ceramicus, when his good genius appeared to him in the guise
+of Toxaris. The attention of the latter was immediately arrested by the
+dress of his native country, nor was it likely that he would have any
+difficulty in recognizing Anacharsis, who was of noble birth and of the
+highest rank in Scythia. Anacharsis, on the other hand, could not be
+expected to see a compatriot in Toxaris, who was dressed in the Greek
+fashion, without sword or belt, wore no beard, and from his fluent speech
+might have been an Athenian born; so completely had time transformed him.
+'You are surely Anacharsis, the son of Daucetas?' he said, addressing him
+in the Scythian language. Anacharsis wept tears of joy; he not only heard
+his mother-tongue, but heard it from one who had known him in Scythia.
+'How comes it, sir, that you know me?' he asked.
+
+'I too am of that country; my name is Toxaris; but it is probably not
+known to you, for I am a man of no family.'
+
+'Are you that Toxaris,' exclaimed the other, 'of whom I heard that for
+love of Greece he had left wife and children in Scythia, and gone to
+Athens, and was there dwelling in high honour?'
+
+'What, is my name still remembered among you?--Yes, I am Toxaris.'
+
+'Then,' said Anacharsis, 'you see before you a disciple, who has caught
+your enthusiasm for Greece; it was with no other object than this that I
+set out on my travels. The hardships I have endured in the countries
+through which I passed on my way hither are infinite; and I had already
+decided, when I met you, that before the sun set I would return to my
+ship; so much was I disturbed at the strange and outlandish sights that I
+have seen. And now, Toxaris, I adjure you by Scimetar and Zamolxis, our
+country's Gods,--take me by the hand, be my guide, and make me acquainted
+with all that is best in Athens and in the rest of Greece; their great
+men, their wise laws, their customs, their assemblies, their
+constitution, their everyday life. You and I have both travelled far to
+see these things: you will not suffer me to depart without seeing them?'
+
+'What! come to the very door, and then turn back? This is not the
+language of enthusiasm. However, there is no fear of that--you will not
+go back, Athens will not let you off so easily. She is not so much at a
+loss for charms wherewith to detain the stranger: she will take such a
+hold on you, that you will forget your own wife and children--if you have
+any. Now I will put you into the readiest way of seeing Athens, ay, and
+Greece, and the glories of Greece. There is a certain philosopher living
+here; he is an Athenian, but has travelled a great deal in Asia and
+Egypt, and held intercourse with the most eminent men. For the rest, he
+is none of your moneyed men: indeed, he is quite poor; be prepared for an
+old man, dressed as plainly as could be. Yet his virtue and wisdom are
+held in such esteem, that he was employed by them to draw up a
+constitution, and his ordinances form their rule of life. Make this man
+your friend, study him, and rest assured that in knowing him you know
+Greece; for he is an epitome of all that is excellent in the Greek
+character. I can do you no greater service than to introduce you to him.'
+
+'Let us lose no time, then, Toxaris. Take me to him. But perhaps that is
+not so easily done? He may slight your intercessions on my behalf?'
+
+'You know not what you say. Nothing gives him greater pleasure than to
+have an opportunity of showing his hospitality to strangers. Only follow
+me, and you shall see how courteous and benevolent he is, and how devout
+a worshipper of the God of Hospitality. But stay: how fortunate! here he
+comes towards us. See, he is wrapped in thought, and mutters to himself.
+--Solon!' he cried; 'I bring you the best of gifts--a stranger who craves
+your friendship. He is a Scythian of noble family; but has left all and
+come here to enjoy the society of Greeks, and to view the wonders of
+their country. I have hit upon a simple expedient which will enable him
+to do both, to see all that is to be seen, and to form the most desirable
+acquaintances: in other words, I have brought him to Solon, who, if I
+know anything of his character, will not refuse to take him under his
+protection, and to make him a Greek among Greeks.--It is as I told you,
+Anacharsis: having seen Solon, you have seen all; behold Athens; behold
+Greece. You are a stranger no longer: all men know you, all men are your
+friends; this it is to possess the friendship of the venerable Solon.
+Conversing with him, you will forget Scythia and all that is in it. Your
+toils are rewarded, your desire is fulfilled. In him you have the
+mainspring of Greek civilization, in him the ideals of Athenian
+philosophers are realized. Happy man--if you know your happiness--to be
+the friend and intimate of Solon!'
+
+It would take too long to describe the pleasure of Solon at Toxaris's
+'gift,' his words on the occasion, and his subsequent intercourse with
+Anacharsis--how he gave him the most valuable instruction, procured him
+the friendship of all Athens, showed him the sights of Greece, and took
+every trouble to make his stay in the country a pleasant one; and how
+Anacharsis for his part regarded the sage with such reverence, that he
+was never willingly absent from his side. Suffice it to say, that the
+promise of Toxaris was fulfilled: thanks to Solon's good offices,
+Anacharsis speedily became familiar with Greece and with Greek society,
+in which he was treated with the consideration due to one who came thus
+strongly recommended; for here too Solon was a lawgiver: those whom he
+esteemed were loved and admired by all. Finally, if we may believe the
+statement of Theoxenus, Anacharsis was presented with the freedom of the
+city, and initiated into the mysteries; nor does it seem likely that he
+would ever have returned to Scythia, had not Solon died.
+
+And now perhaps I had better put the moral to my tale, if it is not to
+wander about in a headless condition. What are Anacharsis and Toxaris
+doing here to-day in Macedonia, bringing Solon with them too, poor old
+gentleman, all the way from Athens? It is time for me to explain. The
+fact is, my situation is pretty much that of Anacharsis. I crave your
+indulgence, in venturing to compare myself with royalty. Anacharsis,
+after all, was a barbarian; and I should hope that we Syrians are as good
+as Scythians. And I am not comparing myself with Anacharsis the king, but
+Anacharsis the barbarian. When first I set foot in your city, I was
+filled with amazement at its size, its beauty, its population, its
+resources and splendour generally. For a time I was dumb with admiration;
+the sight was too much for me. I felt like the island lad Telemachus, in
+the palace of Menelaus; and well I might, as I viewed this city in all
+her pride;
+
+ A garden she, whose flowers are ev'ry blessing.
+
+Thus affected, I had to bethink me what course I should adopt. For as to
+lecturing here, my mind had long been made up about _that_; what
+other audience could I have in view, that I should pass by this great
+city in silence? To make a clean breast of it, then, I set about
+inquiring who were your great men; for it was my design to approach them,
+and secure their patronage and support in facing the public. Unlike
+Anacharsis, who had but one informant, and a barbarian at that, I had
+many; and all told me the same tale, in almost the same words. 'Sir,'
+they said, 'we have many excellent and able men in this city--nowhere
+will you find more: but two there are who stand pre-eminent; who in birth
+and in prestige are without a rival, and in learning and eloquence might
+be matched with the Ten Orators of Athens. They are regarded by the
+public with feelings of absolute devotion: their will is law; for they
+will nothing but the highest interests of the city. Their courtesy, their
+hospitality towards strangers, their unassuming benevolence, their
+modesty in the midst of greatness, their gentleness, their affability,--
+all these you will presently experience, and will have something to say
+on the subject yourself. But--wonder of wonders!--these two are of one
+house, father and son. For the father, conceive to yourself a Solon, a
+Pericles, an Aristides: as to the son, his manly comeliness and noble
+stature will attract you at the first glance; and if he do but say two
+words, your ears will be taken captive by the charm that sits upon his
+tongue. When he speaks in public, the city listens like one man, open-
+mouthed; 'tis Athens listening to Alcibiades; yet the Athenians presently
+repented of their infatuation for the son of Clinias, but here love grows
+to reverence; the welfare of this city, the happiness of her citizens,
+are all bound up in one man. Once let the father and son admit you to
+their friendship, and the city is yours; they have but to raise a finger,
+to put your success beyond a doubt.'--Such, by Heaven (if Heaven must be
+invoked for the purpose), such was the unvarying report I heard; and I
+now know from experience that it fell far short of the truth.
+
+  Then up, nor waste thy days In indolent delays,
+
+as the Cean poet cries; I must strain every nerve, work body and soul, to
+gain these friends. That once achieved, fair weather and calm seas are
+before me, and my haven is near at hand.
+
+
+
+
+THE WAY TO WRITE HISTORY
+
+
+MY DEAR PHILO,
+
+There is a story of a curious epidemic at Abdera, just after the
+accession of King Lysimachus. It began with the whole population's
+exhibiting feverish symptoms, strongly marked and unintermittent from the
+very first attack. About the seventh day, the fever was relieved, in some
+cases by a violent flow of blood from the nose, in others by perspiration
+not less violent. The mental effects, however, were most ridiculous; they
+were all stage-struck, mouthing blank verse and ranting at the top of
+their voices. Their favourite recitation was the _Andromeda_ of
+Euripides; one after another would go through the great speech of
+Perseus; the whole place was full of pale ghosts, who were our seventh-
+day tragedians vociferating,
+
+  O Love, who lord'st it over Gods and men,
+
+and the rest of it. This continued for some time, till the coming of
+winter put an end to their madness with a sharp frost. I find the
+explanation of the form it took in this fact: Archelaus was then the
+great tragic actor, and in the middle of the summer, during some very hot
+weather, he had played the _Andromeda_ there; most of them took the
+fever in the theatre, and convalescence was followed by a relapse--into
+tragedy, the _Andromeda_ haunting their memories, and Perseus
+hovering, Gorgon's head in hand, before the mind's eye.
+
+Well, to compare like with like, the majority of our educated class is
+now suffering from an Abderite epidemic. They are not stage-struck,
+indeed; that would have been a minor infatuation--to be possessed with
+other people's verses, not bad ones either; no; but from the beginning of
+the present excitements--the barbarian war, the Armenian disaster, the
+succession of victories--you cannot find a man but is writing history;
+nay, every one you meet is a Thucydides, a Herodotus, a Xenophon. The old
+saying must be true, and war be the father of all things [Footnote: See
+note on _Icaromenippus_, 8.], seeing what a litter of historians it
+has now teemed forth at a birth.
+
+Such sights and sounds, my Philo, brought into my head that old anecdote
+about the Sinopean. A report that Philip was marching on the town had
+thrown all Corinth into a bustle; one was furbishing his arms, another
+wheeling stones, a third patching the wall, a fourth strengthening a
+battlement, every one making himself useful somehow or other. Diogenes
+having nothing to do--of course no one thought of giving _him_ a
+job--was moved by the sight to gird up his philosopher's cloak and begin
+rolling his tub-dwelling energetically up and down the Craneum; an
+acquaintance asked, and got, the explanation: 'I do not want to be
+thought the only idler in such a busy multitude; I am rolling my tub to
+be like the rest.'
+
+I too am reluctant to be the only dumb man at so vociferous a season; I
+do not like walking across the stage, like a 'super', in gaping silence;
+so I decided to roll _my_ cask as best I could. I do not intend to
+write a history, or attempt actual narrative; I am not courageous enough
+for that; have no apprehensions on my account; I realize the danger of
+rolling the thing over the rocks, especially if it is only a poor little
+jar of brittle earthenware like mine; I should very soon knock against
+some pebble and find myself picking up the pieces. Come, I will tell you
+my idea for campaigning in safety, and keeping well out of range.
+
+ Give a wide berth to all that foam and spray, and to the anxieties which
+vex the historian--that I shall be wise enough to do; but I propose to
+give a little advice, and lay down a few principles for the benefit of
+those who do venture. I shall have a share in their building, if not in
+the dedicatory inscription; my finger-tips will at least have touched
+their wet mortar.
+
+However, most of them see no need for advice here: _there might as well
+be an art of talking, seeing, or eating; history-writing is perfectly
+easy, comes natural, is a universal gift; all that is necessary is the
+faculty of translating your thoughts into words_. But the truth is--you
+know it without my telling, old friend--, it is _not_ a task to be lightly
+undertaken, or carried through without effort; no, it needs as much care
+as any sort of composition whatever, if one means to create 'a possession
+for ever,' as Thucydides calls it. Well, I know I shall not get a hearing
+from many of them, and some will be seriously offended--especially any who
+have finished and produced their work; in cases where its first reception
+was favourable, it would be folly to expect the authors to recast or
+correct; has it not the stamp of finality? is it not almost a State
+document? Yet even they may profit by my words; _we_ are not likely to be
+attacked again; we have disposed of all our enemies; but there might be a
+Celto-Gothic or an Indo-Bactrian war; then our friends' composition might
+be improved by the application of my measuring-rod--always supposing that
+they recognize its correctness; failing that, let them do their own
+mensuration with the old foot-rule; the doctor will not particularly mind,
+though all Abdera insists on spouting the _Andromeda_.
+
+Advice has two provinces--one of choice, the other of avoidance; let us
+first decide what the historian is to avoid--of what faults he must purge
+himself--, and then proceed to the measures he must take for putting
+himself on the straight high road. This will include the manner of his
+beginning, the order in which he should marshal his facts, the questions
+of proportion, of discreet silence, of full or cursory narration, of
+comment and connexion. Of all that, however, later on; for the present we
+deal with the vices to which bad writers are liable. As to those faults
+of diction, construction, meaning, and general amateurishness, which are
+common to every kind of composition, to discuss them is neither
+compatible with my space nor relevant to my purpose.
+
+But there are mistakes peculiar to history; your own observation will
+show you just those which a constant attendance at authors'
+readings [Footnote: These were very common in Roman Imperial times, for
+purposes of advertisement, of eliciting criticism, &c. 'The audience at
+recitations may be compared with the modern literary reviews, discharging
+the functions of a preventive and emendatory, not merely of a
+correctional tribunal. Before publication a work might thus be known to
+more hearers than it would now find readers' Mayor, _Juvenal_, iii.
+9.] has impressed on me; you have only to keep your ears open at every
+opportunity. It will be convenient, however, to refer by the way to a few
+illustrations in recent histories. Here is a serious fault to begin with.
+It is the fashion to neglect the examination of facts, and give the space
+gained to eulogies of generals and commanders; those of their own side
+they exalt to the skies, the other side they disparage intemperately.
+They forget that between history and panegyric there is a great gulf
+fixed, barring communication; in musical phrase, the two things are a
+couple of octaves apart. The panegyrist has only one concern--to commend
+and gratify his living theme some way or other; if misrepresentation will
+serve his purpose, he has no objection to that. History, on the other
+hand, abhors the intrusion of any least scruple of falsehood; it is like
+the windpipe, which the doctors tell us will not tolerate a morsel of
+stray food.
+
+Another thing these gentlemen seem not to know is that poetry and history
+offer different wares, and have their separate rules. Poetry enjoys
+unrestricted freedom; it has but one law--the poet's fancy. He is
+inspired and possessed by the Muses; if he chooses to horse his car with
+winged steeds, or set others a-galloping over the sea, or standing corn,
+none challenges his right; his Zeus, with a single cord, may haul up
+earth and sea, and hold them dangling together--there is no fear the cord
+may break, the load come tumbling down and be smashed to atoms. In a
+complimentary picture of Agamemnon, there is nothing against his having
+Zeus's head and eyes, his brother Posidon's chest, Ares's belt--in fact,
+the son of Atreus and Aerope will naturally be an epitome of all
+Divinity; Zeus or Posidon or Ares could not singly or severally provide
+the requisite perfections. But, if history adopts such servile arts, it
+is nothing but poetry without the wings; the exalted tones are missing;
+and imposition of other kinds without the assistance of metre is only the
+more easily detected. It is surely a great, a superlative weakness, this
+inability to distinguish history from poetry; what, bedizen history, like
+her sister, with tale and eulogy and their attendant exaggerations? as
+well take some mighty athlete with muscles of steel, rig him up with
+purple drapery and meretricious ornament, rouge and powder his cheeks;
+faugh, what an object would one make of him with such defilements!
+
+I would not be understood to exclude eulogy from history altogether; it
+is to be kept to its place and used with moderation, is not to tax the
+reader's patience; I shall presently show, indeed, that in all such
+matters an eye is to be had to posterity. It is true, there is a school
+which makes a pretty division of history into the agreeable and the
+useful, and defends the introduction of panegyric on the ground that it
+is agreeable, and pleases the general reader. But nothing could be
+further from the truth. In the first place the division is quite a false
+one; history has only one concern and aim, and that is the useful; which
+again has one single source, and that is truth. The agreeable is no doubt
+an addition, if it is present; so is beauty to an athlete; but a
+Nicostratus, who is a fine fellow and proves himself a better man than
+either of his opponents, gets his recognition as a Heracles, however ugly
+his face may be; and if one opponent is the handsome Alcaeus himself--
+handsome enough to make Nicostratus in love with him, says the story--,
+that does not affect the issue. History too, if it can deal incidentally
+in the agreeable, will attract a multitude of lovers; but so long as it
+does its proper business efficiently--and that is the establishment of
+truth--, it may be indifferent to beauty.
+
+It is further to be remarked, that in history sheer extravagance has not
+even the merit of being agreeable; and the extravagance of eulogy is
+doubly repulsive, as extravagance, and as eulogy; at least it is only
+welcome to the vulgar majority, not to that critical, that perhaps
+hypercritical audience, whom no slip can escape, who are all eyes like
+Argus, but keener than he, who test every word as a moneychanger might
+his coins, rejecting the false on the spot, but accepting the good and
+heavy and true; it is they that we should have in mind as we write
+history, and never heed the others, though they applaud till they crack
+their voices. If you neglect the critics, and indulge in the cloying
+sweetness of tales and eulogies and such baits, you will soon find your
+history a 'Heracles in Lydia.' No doubt you have seen some picture of
+him: he is Omphale's slave, dressed up in an absurd costume, his lion-
+skin and club transferred to her, as though she were the true Heracles,
+while he, in saffron robe and purple jacket, is combing wool and wincing
+under Omphale's slipper. A degrading spectacle it is--the dress loose and
+flapping open, and all that was man in him turned to woman.
+
+The vulgar may very likely extend their favour to this; but the select
+(whose judgement you disregard) will get a good deal of entertainment out
+of your heterogeneous, disjointed, fragmentary stuff. There is nothing
+which has not a beauty of its own; but take it out of its proper sphere,
+and the misuse turns its beauty to ugliness. Eulogy, I need hardly say,
+may possibly please one person, the eulogized, but will disgust every one
+else; this is particularly so with the monstrous exaggerations which are
+in fashion; the authors are so intent on the patron-hunt that they cannot
+relinquish it without a full exhibition of servility; they have no idea
+of finesse, never mask their flattery, but blurt out their unconvincing
+bald tale anyhow.
+
+The consequence is, they miss even their immediate end; the objects of
+their praise are more inclined (and quite right too) to dislike and
+discard them for toadies--if they are men of spirit, at any rate.
+Aristobulus inserted in his history an account of a single combat between
+Alexander and Porus, and selected this passage to read aloud to the
+former; he reckoned that his best chance of pleasing was to invent heroic
+deeds for the king, and heighten his achievements. Well, they were on
+board ship in the Hydaspes; Alexander took hold of the book, and tossed
+it overboard; 'the author should have been treated the same way, by
+rights,' he added, 'for presuming to fight duels for me like that, and
+shoot down elephants single-handed.' A very natural indignation in
+Alexander, of a piece with his treatment of the intrusive architect; this
+person offered to convert the whole of Mount Athos into a colossal statue
+of the king--who however decided that he was a toady, and actually gave
+him less employment in ordinary than before.
+
+The fact is, there is nothing agreeable in these things, except to any
+one who is fool enough to enjoy commendations which the slightest inquiry
+will prove to be unfounded; of course there _are_ ugly persons--women more
+especially--who ask artists to paint them as beautiful as they can; they
+think they will be really better-looking if the painter heightens the rose
+a little and distributes a good deal of the lily. There you have the
+origin of the present crowd of historians, intent only upon the passing
+day, the selfish interest, the profit which they reckon to make out of
+their work; execration is their desert--in the present for their
+undisguised clumsy flattery, in the future for the stigma which their
+exaggerations bring upon history in general. If any one takes some
+admixture of the agreeable to be an absolute necessity, let him be
+content with the independent beauties of style; these are agreeable
+without being false; but they are usually neglected now, for the better
+foisting upon us of irrelevant substitutes.
+
+Passing from that point, I wish to put on record some fresh recollections
+of Ionian histories--supported, now I think of it, by Greek analogies
+also of recent date--both concerned with the war already alluded to. You
+may trust my report, the Graces be my witness; I would take oath to its
+truth, if it were polite to swear on paper. One writer started with
+invoking the Muses to lend a hand. What a tasteful exordium! How suited
+to the historic spirit! How appropriate to the style! When he had got a
+little way on, he compared our ruler to Achilles, and the Parthian king
+to Thersites; he forgot that Achilles would have done better if he had
+had Hector instead of Thersites to beat, if there had been a man of might
+fleeing in front,
+
+  But at his heels a mightier far than he.
+
+He next proceeded to say something handsome about himself, as a fit
+chronicler of such brilliant deeds. As he got near his point of
+departure, he threw in a word for his native town of Miletus, adding that
+he was thus improving on Homer, who never so much as mentioned his
+birthplace. And he concluded his preface with a plain express promise to
+advance our cause and personally wage war against the barbarians, to the
+best of his ability. The actual history, and recital of the causes of
+hostilities, began with these words:--'The detestable Vologesus (whom
+Heaven confound!) commenced war on the following pretext.'
+
+Enough of him. Another is a keen emulator of Thucydides, and by way of
+close approximation to his model starts with his own name--most graceful
+of beginnings, redolent of Attic thyme! Look at it: 'Crepereius
+Calpurnianus of Pompeiopolis wrote the history of the war between Parthia
+and Rome, how they warred one upon the other, beginning with the
+commencement of the war.' After that exordium, what need to describe the
+rest--what harangues he delivers in Armenia, resuscitating our old friend
+the Corcyrean envoy--what a plague he inflicts on Nisibis (which would
+not espouse the Roman cause), lifting the whole thing bodily from
+Thucydides--except the Pelasgicum and the Long Walls, where the victims
+of the earlier plague found shelter; there the difference ends; like the
+other, 'it began in Ethiopia, whence it descended to Egypt,' and to most
+of the Parthian empire, where it very discreetly remained. I left him
+engaged in burying the poor Athenians in Nisibis, and knew quite well how
+he would continue after my exit. Indeed it is a pretty common belief at
+present that you are writing like Thucydides, if you just use his actual
+words, _mutatis mutandis_. [Footnote: Omitting, with Dindorf, the words
+which appear in the Teubner text, after emendation, as: mikra rakia, opos
+kai autos au phaiaes, on di autaen.] Ah, and I almost forgot to mention
+one thing: this same writer gives many names of weapons and military
+engines in Latin--_phossa_ for trench, _pons_ for bridge, and so forth.
+Just think of the dignity of history, and the Thucydidean style--the Attic
+embroidered with these Latin words, like a toga relieved and picked out
+with the purple stripe--so harmonious!
+
+Another puts down a bald list of events, as prosy and commonplace as a
+private's or a carpenter's or a sutler's diary. However, there is more
+sense in this poor man's performance; he flies his true colours from the
+first; he has cleared the ground for some educated person who knows how
+to deal with history. The only fault I have to find with him is that he
+inscribes his volumes with a solemnity rather disproportioned to the rank
+of their contents--'Parthian History, by Callimorphus, Surgeon of the 6th
+Pikemen, volume so-and-so.' Ah, yes, and there is a lamentable preface,
+which closes with the remark that, since Asclepius is the son of Apollo,
+and Apollo director of the Muses and patron of all culture, it is very
+proper for a doctor to write history. Also, he starts in Ionic, but very
+soon, for no apparent reason, abandons it for every-day Greek, still
+keeping the Ionic _es_ and _ks_ and _ous_, but otherwise writing like
+ordinary people--rather too ordinary, indeed.
+
+Perhaps I should balance him with a philosophic historian; this
+gentleman's name I will conceal, and merely indicate his attitude, as
+revealed in a recent publication at Corinth. Much had been expected of
+him, but not enough; starting straight off with the first sentence of the
+preface, he subjects his readers to a dialectic catechism, his thesis
+being the highly philosophic one, that no one but a philosopher should
+write history. Very shortly there follows a second logical process,
+itself followed by a third; in fact the whole preface is one mass of
+dialectic figures. There is flattery, indeed, _ad nauseam_, eulogy
+vulgar to the point of farce; but never without the logical trimmings;
+always that dialectical catechism. I confess it strikes me as a vulgarity
+also, hardly worthy of a philosopher with so long and white a beard, when
+he gives it in his preface as our ruler's special good fortune that
+philosophers should consent to record his actions; he had better have
+left us to reach that conclusion for ourselves--if at all.
+
+Again, it would be a sinful neglect to omit the man who begins like
+this:--'I devise to tell of Romans and Persians'; then a little later,
+'For 'twas Heaven's decree that the Persians should suffer evils'; and
+again, 'One Osroes there was, whom Hellenes name Oxyroes'--and much more
+in that style. He corresponds, you see, to one of my previous examples;
+only he is a second Herodotus, and the other a second Thucydides.
+
+There is another distinguished artist in words--again rather more
+Thucydidean than Thucydides--, who gives, according to his own idea, the
+clearest, most convincing descriptions of every town, mountain, plain, or
+river. I wish my bitterest foe no worse fate than the reading of them.
+Frigid? Caspian snows, Celtic ice, are warm in comparison. A whole book
+hardly suffices him for the Emperor's shield--the Gorgon on its boss,
+with eyes of blue and white and black, rainbow girdle, and snakes twined
+and knotted. Why, Vologesus's breeches or his bridle, God bless me, they
+take up several thousand lines apiece; the same for the look of Osroes's
+hair as he swims the Tigris--or what the cave was like that sheltered
+him, ivy and myrtle and bay clustered all together to shut out every ray
+of light. You observe how indispensable it all is to the history; without
+the scene, how could we have comprehended the action?
+
+It is helplessness about the real essentials, or ignorance of what should
+be given, that makes them take refuge in word-painting--landscapes,
+caves, and the like; and when they do come upon a series of important
+matters, they are just like a slave whose master has left him his money
+and made him a rich man; he does not know how to put on his clothes or
+take his food properly; partridges or sweetbreads or hare are served; but
+he rushes in, and fills himself up with pea soup or salt fish, till he is
+fit to burst. Well, the man I spoke of gives the most unconvincing wounds
+and singular deaths: some one has his big toe injured, and dies on the
+spot; the general Priscus calls out, and seven-and-twenty of the enemy
+fall dead at the sound. As to the numbers killed, he actually falsifies
+dispatches; at Europus he slaughters 70,236 of the enemy, while the
+Romans lose two, and have seven wounded! How any man of sense can tolerate
+such stuff, I do not know.
+
+Here is another point quite worth mention. This writer has such a passion
+for unadulterated Attic, and for refining speech to the last degree of
+purity, that he metamorphoses the Latin names and translates them into
+Greek; Saturninus figures as Cronius, Fronto must be Phrontis, Titianus
+Titanius, with queerer transmogrifications yet. Further, on the subject
+of Severian's death, he accuses all other writers of a blunder in putting
+him to the sword; he is really to have starved himself to death, as the
+most painless method; the fact, however, is that it was all over in three
+days, whereas seven days is the regular time for starvation; are we
+perhaps to conceive an Osroes waiting about for Severian to complete the
+process, and putting off his assault till after the seventh day?
+
+Then, Philo, how shall we class the historians who indulge in poetical
+phraseology? 'The catapult rocked responsive,' they say; 'Loud thundered
+the breach'; or, somewhere else in this delectable history, 'Thus Edessa
+was girdled with clash of arms, and all was din and turmoil,' or, 'The
+general pondered in his heart how to attack the wall.' Only he fills up
+the interstices with such wretched common lower-class phrases as 'The
+military prefect wrote His Majesty,' 'The troops were procuring the
+needful,' 'They got a wash [Footnote: It was suggested in the Introduction
+that Lucian's criticism is for practical purposes out of date; but
+Prescott writes: 'He was surrounded by a party of friends, who had
+_dropped in_, it seems, after mass, to inquire after the state of his
+health, some of whom had remained to partake of his repast.'] and put in
+an appearance,' and so on. It is like an actor with one foot raised on a
+high buskin, and the other in a slipper.
+
+You will find others writing brilliant high-sounding prefaces of
+outrageous length, raising great expectations of the wonders to follow--
+and then comes a poor little appendix of a--history; it is like nothing
+in the world but a child--say the Eros you must have seen in a picture
+playing in an enormous mask of Heracles or a Titan; _parturiunt montes_,
+cries the audience, very naturally. That is not the way to do things; the
+whole should be homogeneous and uniform, and the body in proportion to the
+head--not a helmet of gold, a ridiculous breastplate patched up out of
+rags or rotten leather, shield of wicker, and pig-skin greaves. You will
+find plenty of historians prepared to set the Rhodian Colossus's head on
+the body of a dwarf; others on the contrary show us headless bodies, and
+plunge into the facts without exordium. These plead the example of
+Xenophon, who starts with 'Darius and Parysatis had two children'; if they
+only knew it, there is such a thing as a _virtual_ exordium, not realized
+as such by everybody; but of that hereafter.
+
+However, any mistake in mere expression or arrangement is excusable; but
+when you come to fancy geography, differing from the other not by miles
+or leagues, but by whole days' journeys, where is the classical model for
+that? One writer has taken so little trouble with his facts--never met a
+Syrian, I suppose, nor listened to the stray information you may pick up
+at the barber's--, that he thus locates Europus:--'Europus lies in
+Mesopotamia, two days' journey from the Euphrates, and is a colony from
+Edessa.' Not content with that, this enterprising person has in the same
+book taken up my native Samosata and shifted it, citadel, walls, and all,
+into Mesopotamia, giving it the two rivers for boundaries, and making
+them shave past it, all but touching the walls on either side. I suspect
+you would laugh at me, Philo, if I were to set about convincing you that
+I am neither Parthian nor Mesopotamian, as this whimsical colony-planter
+makes me.
+
+By the way, he has also a very attractive tale of Severian, learnt, he
+assures us on oath, from one of the actual fugitives. According to this,
+he would not die by the sword, the rope, or poison, but contrived a death
+which should be tragic and impressive. He was the owner of some large
+goblets of the most precious glass; having made up his mind to die, he
+broke the largest of these, and used a splinter of it for the purpose,
+cutting his throat with the glass. A dagger or a lancet, good enough
+instruments for a manly and heroic death, he could not come at, forsooth!
+
+Then, as Thucydides composed a funeral oration over the first victims of
+that old war, our author feels it incumbent on him to do the same for
+Severian; they all challenge Thucydides, you see, little as he can be
+held responsible for the Armenian troubles. So he buries Severian, and
+then solemnly ushers up to the grave, as Pericles's rival, one Afranius
+Silo, a centurion; the flood of rhetoric which follows is so copious and
+remarkable that it drew tears from me--ye Graces!--tears of laughter;
+most of all where the eloquent Afranius, drawing to a close, makes
+mention, with weeping and distressful moans, of all those costly dinners
+and toasts. But he is a very Ajax in his conclusion. He draws his sword,
+gallantly as an Afranius should, and in sight of all cuts his throat over
+the grave--and God knows it was high time for an execution, if oratory
+can be felony. The historian states that all the spectators admired and
+lauded Afranius; as for me, I was inclined to condemn him on general
+grounds--he had all but given a catalogue of sauces and dishes, and shed
+tears over the memory of departed cakes--, but his capital offence was
+that he had not cut the historian-tragedian's throat before he left this
+life himself.
+
+I assure you, my friend, I could largely increase my list of such
+offenders; but one or two more will suffice, before proceeding to the
+second part of my undertaking, the suggestions for improvement. There are
+some, then, who leave alone, or deal very cursorily with, all that is
+great and memorable; amateurs and not artists, they have no selective
+faculty, and loiter over copious laboured descriptions of the veriest
+trifles; it is as if a visitor to Olympia, instead of examining,
+commending or describing to his stay-at-home friends the general
+greatness and beauty of the Zeus, were to be struck with the exact
+symmetry and polish of its footstool, or the proportions of its shoe, and
+give all his attention to these minor points.
+
+For instance, I have known a man get through the battle of Europus in
+less than seven whole lines, and then spend twenty mortal hours on a dull
+and perfectly irrelevant tale about a Moorish trooper. The trooper's name
+was Mausacas; he wandered up the hills in search of water, and came upon
+some Syrian yokels getting their lunch; at first they were afraid of him,
+but when they found he was on the right side, they invited him to share
+the meal; for one of them had travelled in the Moorish country, having a
+brother serving in the army. Then come long stories and descriptions of
+how he hunted there, and saw a great herd of elephants at pasture, and
+was nearly eaten up by a lion, and what huge fish he had bought at
+Caesarea. So this quaint historian leaves the terrible carnage to go on
+at Europus, and lets the pursuit, the forced armistice, the settling of
+outposts, shift for themselves, while he lingers far into the evening
+watching Malchion the Syrian cheapen big mackarel at Caesarea; if night
+had not come all too soon, I dare say he would have dined with him when
+the fish was cooked. If all this had not been accurately set down in the
+history, what sad ignorance we should have been left in! The loss to the
+Romans would have been irreparable, if Mausacas the Moor had got nothing
+to quench his thirst, and come back fasting to camp. Yet I am wilfully
+omitting innumerable details of yet greater importance--the arrival of a
+flute-girl from the next village, the exchange of gifts (Mausacas's was a
+spear, Malchion's a brooch), and other incidents most essential to the
+battle of Europus. It is no exaggeration to say that such writers never
+give the rose a glance, but devote all their curiosity to the thorns on
+its stem.
+
+Another entertaining person, who has never set foot outside Corinth, nor
+travelled as far as its harbour--not to mention seeing Syria or Armenia
+--, starts with words which impressed themselves on my memory:--'Seeing
+is believing: I therefore write what I have seen, not what I have been
+told.' His personal observation has been so close that he describes the
+Parthian 'Dragons' (they use this ensign as a numerical formula--a
+thousand men to the Dragon, I believe): they are huge live dragons, he
+says, breeding in Persian territory beyond Iberia; these are first
+fastened to great poles and hoisted up aloft, striking terror at a
+distance while the advance is going on; then, when the battle begins,
+they are released and set on the enemy; numbers of our men, it seems,
+were actually swallowed by them, and others strangled or crushed in their
+coils; of all this he was an eye-witness, taking his observations,
+however, from a safe perch up a tree. Thank goodness he did not come to
+close quarters with the brutes! we should have lost a very remarkable
+historian, and one who did doughty deeds in this war with his own right
+hand; for he had many adventures, and was wounded at Sura (in the course
+of a stroll from the Craneum to Lerna, apparently). All this he used to
+read to a Corinthian audience, which was perfectly aware that he had
+never so much as seen a battle-picture. Why, he did not know one weapon
+or engine from another; the names of manoeuvres and formations had no
+meaning for him; flank or front, line or column, it was all one.
+
+Then there is a splendid fellow, who has boiled down into the compass of
+five hundred lines (or less, to be accurate) the whole business from
+beginning to end--campaigns in Armenia, in Syria, in Mesopotamia, on the
+Tigris, and in Media; and having done it, he calls it a history. His
+title very narrowly misses being longer than his book: 'An account of the
+late campaigns of the Romans in Armenia, Mesopotamia, and Media, by
+Antiochianus, victor at the festival of Apollo'; he had probably won some
+junior flat race.
+
+I have known one writer compile a history of the future, including the
+capture of Vologesus, the execution of Osroes (he is to be thrown to the
+lions), and, crowning all, our long-deferred triumph. In this prophetic
+vein, he sweeps hastily on to the end of his work; yet he finds time for
+the foundation in Mesopotamia of a city, greatest of the great, and
+fairest of the fair; he is still debating, however, whether the most
+appropriate name will be Victoria, Concord, or Peacetown; that is yet
+unsettled; we must leave the fair city unnamed for the present; but it is
+already thickly populated--with empty dreams and literary drivellings. He
+has also pledged himself to an account of coming events in India, and a
+circumnavigation of the Atlantic; nay, the pledge is half redeemed; the
+preface to the _India_ is complete; the third legion, the Celtic
+contingent, and a small Moorish division, have crossed the Indus in full
+force under Cassius; our most original historian will soon be posting us
+up in their doings--their method of 'receiving elephants,' for instance--
+in letters dated Muziris or Oxydracae.
+
+These people's uneducated antics are infinite; they have no eyes for the
+noteworthy, nor, if they had eyes, any adequate faculty of expression;
+invention and fiction provide their matter, and belief in the first word
+that comes their style; they pride themselves on the number of books they
+run to, and yet more on their titles; for these again are quite absurd:
+_--So-and-so's so many books of Parthian victories; The Parthis_, book I;
+_The Parthis_, book II--quite a rival to the _Atthis_, eh? Another does it
+(I have read the book) still more neatly--'_The Parthonicy of Demetrius of
+Sagalassus_.' I do not wish to ridicule or make a jest of these pretty
+histories; I write for a practical purpose: any one who avoids these and
+similar errors is already well on the road to historical success; nay, he
+is almost there, if the logical axiom is correct, that, with
+incompatibles, denial of the one amounts to affirmation of the other.
+
+_Well_, I may be told, _you have now a clear field; the thorns and
+brambles have all been extirpated, the debris of others' buildings has
+been carted of, the rough places have been made smooth; come, do a little
+construction yourself, and show that you are not only good at destroying,
+but capable of yourself planning a model, in which criticism itself shall
+find nothing to criticize._
+
+Well then, my perfect historian must start with two indispensable
+qualifications; the one is political insight, the other the faculty of
+expression; the first is a gift of nature, which can never be learnt; the
+second should have been acquired by long practice, unremitting toil, and
+loving study of the classics. There is nothing technical here, and no
+room for any advice of mine; this essay does not profess to bestow
+insight and acumen on those who are not endowed with them by nature;
+valuable, or invaluable rather, would it have been, if it could recast
+and modify like that, transmute lead into gold, tin into silver, magnify
+a Conon or Leotrophides into Titormus or Milo.
+
+But what is the function of professional advice? not the creation of
+qualities which should be already there, but the indication of their
+proper use. No trainer, of course,--let him be Iccus, Herodicus, Theon,
+or who he may--will suggest that he can take a Perdiccas [Footnote:
+Omitting, with Dindorf, a note on Perdiccas which runs thus: 'if
+Perdiccas it was, and not rather Seleucus's son Antiochus, who was wasted
+to a shadow by his passion for his step-mother.'] and make an Olympic
+victor of him, fit to face Theagenes of Thasos or Polydamas of Scotussa;
+what he _will_ tell you is that, given a constitution that will
+stand training, his system will considerably improve it. So with us--we
+are not to have every failure cast in our teeth, if we claim to have
+invented a system for so great and difficult a subject. We do not offer
+to take the first comer and make a historian of him--only to point out to
+any one who has natural insight and acquired literary skill certain
+straight roads (they may or may not be so in reality) which will bring
+him with less waste of time and effort to his goal.
+
+I do not suppose you will object that the man with insight has no need of
+system and instruction upon the things he is ignorant of; in that case he
+might have played the harp or flute untaught, and in fact have been
+omniscient. But, as things are at present, he cannot perform in these
+ways untaught, though with some assistance he will learn very easily, and
+soon be able to get along by himself.
+
+You now know what sort of a pupil I (like the trainer) insist upon. He
+must not be weak either at understanding or at making himself understood,
+but a man of penetration, a capable administrator--potentially, that is,
+--with a soldierly spirit (which does not however exclude the civil
+spirit), and some military experience; at the least he must have been in
+camp, seen troops drilled or manoeuvred, know a little about weapons and
+military engines, the differences between line and column, cavalry and
+infantry tactics (with the reasons for them), frontal and flank attacks;
+in a word, none of your armchair strategists relying wholly on hearsay.
+
+But first and foremost, let him be a man of independent spirit, with
+nothing to fear or hope from anybody; else he will be a corrupt judge
+open to undue influences. If Philip's eye is knocked out at Olynthus by
+Aster the Amphipolite archer, it is not his business to exclaim, but just
+to show him as he is; he is not to think whether Alexander will be
+annoyed by a circumstantial account of the cruel murder of Clitus at
+table. If a Cleon has the ear of the assembly, and a monopoly of the
+tribune, he will not shrink on that account from describing him as a
+pestilent madman; all Athens will not stop him from dwelling on the
+Sicilian disaster, the capture of Demosthenes, the death of Nicias, the
+thirst, the foul water, and the shooting down of the drinkers. He will
+consider very rightly that no man of sense will blame him for recounting
+the effects of misfortune or folly in their entirety; he is not the
+author, but only the reporter of them. If a fleet is destroyed, it is not
+he who sinks it; if there is a rout, he is not in pursuit--unless perhaps
+he ought to have prayed for better things, and omitted to do so. Of
+course, if silence or contradiction would have put matters right,
+Thucydides might with a stroke of the pen have knocked down the
+counterwall on Epipolae, sent Hermocrates's trireme to the bottom, let
+daylight through the accursed Gylippus before he had done blocking the
+roads with wall and trench, and, finally, have cast the Syracusans into
+their own quarries and sent the Athenians cruising round Sicily and Italy
+with Alcibiades's first high hopes still on board. Alas, not Fate itself
+may undo the work of Fate.
+
+The historian's one task is to tell the thing as it happened. This he
+cannot do, if he is Artaxerxes's physician [Footnote: See Ctesias in
+Notes] trembling before him, or hoping to get a purple cloak, a golden
+chain, a horse of the Nisaean breed, in payment for his laudations. A
+fair historian, a Xenophon, a Thucydides, will not accept that position.
+He may nurse some private dislikes, but he will attach far more
+importance to the public good, and set the truth high above his hate; he
+may have his favourites, but he will not spare their errors. For history,
+I say again, has this and this only for its own; if a man will start upon
+it, he must sacrifice to no God but Truth; he must neglect all else; his
+sole rule and unerring guide is this--to think not of those who are
+listening to him now, but of the yet unborn who shall seek his converse.
+
+Any one who is intent only upon the immediate effect may reasonably be
+classed among the flatterers; and History has long ago realized that
+flattery is as little congenial to her as the arts of personal adornment
+to an athlete's training. An anecdote of Alexander is to the point. 'Ah,
+Onesicritus,' said he, 'how I should like to come to life again for a
+little while, and see how your stuff strikes people by that time; at
+present they have good enough reason to praise and welcome it; that is
+their way of angling for a share of my favour.' On the same principle
+some people actually accept Homer's history of Achilles, full of
+exaggerations as it is; the one great guarantee which they recognize of
+his truth is the fact that his subject was not living; that leaves him no
+motive for lying.
+
+There stands my model, then: fearless, incorruptible, independent, a
+believer in frankness and veracity; one that will call a spade a spade,
+make no concession to likes and dislikes, nor spare any man for pity or
+respect or propriety; an impartial judge, kind to all, but too kind to
+none; a literary cosmopolite with neither suzerain nor king, never
+heeding what this or that man may think, but setting down the thing that
+befell.
+
+Thucydides is our noble legislator; he marked the admiration that met
+Herodotus and gave the Muses' names to his nine books; and thereupon he
+drew the line which parts a good historian from a bad: our work is to be
+a possession for ever, not a bid for present reputation; we are not to
+seize upon the sensational, but bequeath the truth to them that come
+after; he applies the test of use, and defines the end which a wise
+historian will set before himself: it is that, should history ever repeat
+itself, the records of the past may give present guidance.
+
+Such are to be my historian's principles. As for diction and style, he is
+not to set about his work armed to the teeth from the rhetorician's
+arsenal of impetuosity and incisiveness, rolling periods, close-packed
+arguments, and the rest; for him a serener mood. His matter should be
+homogeneous and compact, his vocabulary fit to be understanded of the
+people, for the clearest possible setting forth of his subject.
+
+For to those marks which we set up for the historic spirit--frankness and
+truth--corresponds one at which the historic style should first of all
+aim, namely, a lucidity which leaves nothing obscure, impartially
+avoiding abstruse out-of-the-way expressions, and the illiberal jargon of
+the market; we wish the vulgar to comprehend, the cultivated to commend
+us. Ornament should be unobtrusive, and never smack of elaboration, if it
+is not to remind us of over-seasoned dishes.
+
+The historian's spirit should not be without a touch of the poetical; it
+needs, like poetry, to employ impressive and exalted tones, especially
+when it finds itself in the midst of battle array and conflicts by land
+or sea; it is then that the poetic gale must blow to speed the vessel on,
+and help her ride the waves in majesty. But the diction is to be content
+with _terra firma_, rising a little to assimilate itself to the beauty and
+grandeur of the subject, but never startling the hearer, nor forgetting a
+due restraint; there is great risk at such times of its running wild and
+falling into poetic frenzy; and then it is that writers should hold
+themselves in with bit and bridle; with them as with horses an
+uncontrollable temper means disaster. At these times it is best for the
+spirit to go a-horseback, and the expression to run beside on foot,
+holding on to the saddle so as not to be outstripped.
+
+As to the marshalling of your words, a moderate compromise is desirable
+between the harshness which results from separating what belongs
+together, and the jingling concatenations--one may almost call them--
+which are so common; one extreme is a definite vice, and the other
+repellent.
+
+Facts are not to be collected at haphazard, but with careful, laborious,
+repeated investigation; when possible, a man should have been present and
+seen for himself; failing that, he should prefer the disinterested
+account, selecting the informants least likely to diminish or magnify
+from partiality. And here comes the occasion for exercising the judgement
+in weighing probabilities.
+
+The material once complete, or nearly so, an abstract should be made of
+it, and a rough draught of the whole work put down, not yet distributed
+into its parts; the detailed arrangement should then be introduced, after
+which adornment may be added, the diction receive its colour, the
+phrasing and rhythm be perfected.
+
+The historian's position should now be precisely that of Zeus in Homer,
+surveying now the Mysians', now the Thracian horsemen's land. Even so
+_he_ will survey now his own party (telling us what we looked like
+to him from his post of vantage), now the Persians, and yet again both at
+once, if they come to blows. And when they are face to face, his eyes are
+not to be on one division, nor yet on one man, mounted or afoot--unless
+it be a Brasidas leading the forlorn hope, or a Demosthenes repelling it;
+his attention should be for the generals first of all; their exhortations
+should be recorded, the dispositions they make, and the motives and plans
+that prompted them. When the engagement has begun, he should give us a
+bird's-eye view of it, show the scales oscillating, and accompany
+pursuers and pursued alike.
+
+All this, however, with moderation; a subject is not to be ridden to
+death; no neglect of proportion, no childish engrossment, but easy
+transitions. He should call a halt here, while he crosses over to another
+set of operations which demands attention; that settled up, he can return
+to the first set, now ripe for him; he must pass swiftly to each in turn,
+keeping his different lines of advance as nearly as possible level, fly
+from Armenia to Media, thence swoop straight upon Iberia, and then take
+wing for Italy, everywhere present at the nick of time.
+
+He has to make of his brain a mirror, unclouded, bright, and true of
+surface; then he will reflect events as they presented themselves to him,
+neither distorted, discoloured, nor variable. Historians are not writing
+fancy school essays; what they have to say is before them, and will get
+itself said somehow, being solid fact; their task is to arrange and put
+it into words; they have not to consider what to say, but how to say it.
+The historian, we may say, should be like Phidias, Praxiteles, Alcamenes,
+or any great sculptor. They similarly did not create the gold, silver,
+ivory, or other material they used; it was ready to their hands, provided
+by Athens, Elis, or Argos; they only made the model, sawed, polished,
+cemented, proportioned the ivory, and plated it with gold; that was what
+their art consisted in--the right arrangement of their material. The
+historian's business is similar--to superinduce upon events the charm of
+order, and set them forth in the most lucid fashion he can manage. When
+subsequently a hearer feels as though he were looking at what is being
+told him, and expresses his approval, then our historical Phidias's work
+has reached perfection, and received its appropriate reward.
+
+When all is ready, a writer will sometimes start without formal preface,
+if there is no pressing occasion to clear away preliminaries by that
+means, though even then his explanation of what he is to say constitutes
+a virtual preface.
+
+When a formal preface is used, one of the three objects to which a public
+speaker devotes his exordium may be neglected; the historian, that is,
+has not to bespeak goodwill--only attention and an open mind. The way to
+secure the reader's attention is to show that the affairs to be narrated
+are great in themselves, throw light on Destiny, or come home to his
+business and bosom; and as to the open mind, the lucidity in the body of
+the work, which is to secure that, will be facilitated by a preliminary
+view of the causes in operation and a precise summary of events.
+
+Prefaces of this character have been employed by the best historians--by
+Herodotus, 'to the end that what befell may not grow dim by lapse of
+time, seeing that it was great and wondrous, and showed forth withal
+Greeks vanquishing and barbarians vanquished'; and by Thucydides,
+'believing that that war would be great and memorable beyond any previous
+one; for indeed great calamities took place during its course.'
+
+After the preface, long or short in proportion to the subject, should
+come an easy natural transition to the narrative; for the body of the
+history which remains is nothing from beginning to end but a long
+narrative; it must therefore be graced with the narrative virtues--
+smooth, level, and consistent progress, neither soaring nor crawling, and
+the charm of lucidity--which is attained, as I remarked above, partly by
+the diction, and partly by the treatment of connected events. For, though
+all parts must be independently perfected, when the first is complete the
+second will be brought into essential connexion with it, and attached
+like one link of a chain to another; there must be no possibility of
+separating them; no mere bundle of parallel threads; the first is not
+simply to be next to the second, but part of it, their extremities
+intermingling.
+
+Brevity is always desirable, and especially where matter is abundant; and
+the problem is less a grammatical than a substantial one; the solution, I
+mean, is to deal summarily with all immaterial details, and give adequate
+treatment to the principal events; much, indeed, is better omitted
+altogether. Suppose yourself giving a dinner, and extremely well
+provided; there is pastry, game, kickshaws without end, wild boar, hare,
+sweetbreads; well, you will not produce among these a pike, or a bowl of
+peasoup, just because they are there in the kitchen; you will dispense
+with such common things.
+
+Restraint in descriptions of mountains, walls, rivers, and the like, is
+very important; you must not give the impression that you are making a
+tasteless display of word-painting, and expatiating independently while
+the history takes care of itself. Just a light touch--no more than meets
+the need of clearness--, and you should pass on, evading the snare, and
+denying yourself all such indulgences. You have the mighty Homer's
+example in such a case; poet as he is, he yet hurries past Tantalus and
+Ixion, Tityus and the rest of them. If Parthenius, Euphorion, or
+Callimachus had been in his place, how many lines do you suppose it would
+have taken to get the water to Tantalus's lip; how many more to set Ixion
+spinning? Better still, mark how Thucydides--a very sparing dealer in
+description--leaves the subject at once, as soon as he has given an idea
+(very necessary and useful, too) of an engine or a siege-operation, of
+the conformation of Epipolae, or the Syracusan harbour. It may occur to
+you that his account of the plague is long; but you must allow for the
+subject; then you will appreciate his brevity; _he_ is hastening on;
+it is only that the weight of matter holds him back in spite of himself.
+
+When it comes in your way to introduce a speech, the first requirement is
+that it should suit the character both of the speaker and of the occasion;
+the second is (once more) lucidity; but in these cases you have the
+counsel's right of showing your eloquence.
+
+Not so with praise or censure; these should be sparing, cautious,
+avoiding hypercriticism and producing proofs, always brief, and never
+intrusive; historical characters are not prisoners on trial. Without
+these precautions you will share the ill name of Theopompus, who delights
+in flinging accusations broadcast, makes a business of the thing in fact,
+and of himself rather a public prosecutor than a historian.
+
+It may occasionally happen that some extraordinary story has to be
+introduced; it should be simply narrated, without guarantee of its truth,
+thrown down for any one to make what he can of it; the writer takes no
+risks and shows no preference.
+
+But the general principle I would have remembered--it will ever be on my
+lips--is this: do not write merely with an eye to the present, that those
+now living may commend and honour you; aim at eternity, compose for
+posterity, and from it ask your reward; and that reward?--that it be said
+of you, 'This was a man indeed, free and free-spoken; flattery and
+servility were not in him; he was truth all through.' It is a name which
+a man of judgement might well prefer to all the fleeting hopes of the
+present.
+
+Do you know the story of the great Cnidian architect? He was the builder
+of that incomparable work, whether for size or beauty, the Pharus tower.
+Its light was to warn ships far out at sea, and save them from running on
+the Paraetonia, a spot so fatal to all who get among its reefs that
+escape is said to be hopeless. When the building was done, he inscribed
+on the actual masonry his own name, but covered this up with plaster, on
+which he then added the name of the reigning king. He knew that, as
+happened later, letters and plaster would fall off together, and reveal
+the words:
+
+SOSTRATUS SON OF DEXIPHANES OF CNIDUS ON BEHALF OF ALL MARINERS TO THE
+SAVIOUR GODS
+
+_He_ looked not, it appears, to that time, nor to the space of his
+own little life, but to this time, and to all time, as long as his tower
+shall stand and his art abide.
+
+So too should the historian write, consorting with Truth and not with
+flattery, looking to the future hope, not to the gratification of the
+flattered.
+
+There is your measuring-line for just history. If any one be found to use
+it, well; I have not written in vain: if none, yet have I rolled my tub
+on the Craneum.
+
+
+
+
+THE TRUE HISTORY
+
+
+INTRODUCTION
+
+Athletes and physical trainers do not limit their attention to the
+questions of perfect condition and exercise; they say there is a time for
+relaxation also--which indeed they represent as the most important
+element in training. I hold it equally true for literary men that after
+severe study they should unbend the intellect, if it is to come perfectly
+efficient to its next task.
+
+The rest they want will best be found in a course of literature which
+does not offer entertainment pure and simple, depending on mere wit or
+felicity, but is also capable of stirring an educated curiosity--in a way
+which I hope will be exemplified in the following pages. They are
+intended to have an attraction independent of any originality of subject,
+any happiness of general design, any verisimilitude in the piling up of
+fictions. This attraction is in the veiled reference underlying all the
+details of my narrative; they parody the cock-and-bull stories of ancient
+poets, historians, and philosophers; I have only refrained from adding a
+key because I could rely upon you to recognize as you read.
+
+Ctesias, son of Ctesiochus of Cnidus, in his work on India and its
+characteristics, gives details for which he had neither the evidence of
+his eyes nor of hearsay. Iambulus's _Oceanica_ is full of marvels;
+the whole thing is a manifest fiction, but at the same time pleasant
+reading. Many other writers have adopted the same plan, professing to
+relate their own travels, and describing monstrous beasts, savages, and
+strange ways of life. The fount and inspiration of their humour is the
+Homeric Odysseus, entertaining Alcinous's court with his prisoned winds,
+his men one-eyed or wild or cannibal, his beasts with many heads, and his
+metamorphosed comrades; the Phaeacians were simple folk, and he fooled
+them to the top of their bent.
+
+When I come across a writer of this sort, I do not much mind his lying;
+the practice is much too well established for that, even with professed
+philosophers; I am only surprised at his expecting to escape detection.
+Now I am myself vain enough to cherish the hope of bequeathing something
+to posterity; I see no reason for resigning my right to that inventive
+freedom which others enjoy; and, as I have no truth to put on record,
+having lived a very humdrum life, I fall back on falsehood--but falsehood
+of a more consistent variety; for I now make the only true statement you
+are to expect--that I am a liar. This confession is, I consider, a full
+defence against all imputations. My subject is, then, what I have neither
+seen, experienced, nor been told, what neither exists nor could
+conceivably do so. I humbly solicit my readers' incredulity.
+
+BOOK I
+
+Starting on a certain date from the Pillars of Heracles, I sailed with a
+fair wind into the Atlantic. The motives of my voyage were a certain
+intellectual restlessness, a passion for novelty, a curiosity about the
+limits of the ocean and the peoples who might dwell beyond it. This being
+my design, I provisioned and watered my ship on a generous scale. My crew
+amounted to fifty, all men whose interests, as well as their years,
+corresponded with my own. I had further provided a good supply of arms,
+secured the best navigator to be had for money, and had the ship--a
+sloop--specially strengthened for a long and arduous voyage.
+
+For a day and a night we were carried quietly along by the breeze, with
+land still in sight. But with the next day's dawn the wind rose to a
+gale, with a heavy sea and a dark sky; we found ourselves unable to take
+in sail. We surrendered ourselves to the elements, let her run, and were
+storm-driven for more than eleven weeks. On the eightieth day the sun
+came out quite suddenly, and we found ourselves close to a lofty wooded
+island, round which the waves were murmuring gently, the sea having
+almost fallen by this time. We brought her to land, disembarked, and
+after our long tossing lay a considerable time idle on shore; we at last
+made a start, however, and leaving thirty of our number to guard the ship
+I took the other twenty on a tour of inspection.
+
+We had advanced half a mile inland through woods, when we came upon a
+brazen pillar, inscribed in Greek characters--which however were worn and
+dim--'Heracles and Dionysus reached this point.' Not far off were two
+footprints on rock; one might have been an acre in area, the other being
+smaller; and I conjecture that the latter was Dionysus's, and the other
+Heracles's; we did obeisance, and proceeded. Before we had gone far, we
+found ourselves on a river which ran wine; it was very like Chian; the
+stream full and copious, even navigable in parts. This evidence of
+Dionysus's sojourn was enough to convince us that the inscription on the
+pillar was authentic. Resolving to find the source, I followed the river
+up, and discovered, instead of a fountain, a number of huge vines covered
+with grapes; from the root of each there issued a trickle of perfectly
+clear wine, the joining of which made the river. It was well stocked with
+great fish, resembling wine both in colour and taste; catching and eating
+some, we at once found ourselves intoxicated; and indeed when opened the
+fish were full of wine-lees; presently it occurred to us to mix them with
+ordinary water fish, thus diluting the strength of our spirituous food.
+
+We now crossed the river by a ford, and came to some vines of a most
+extraordinary kind. Out of the ground came a thick well-grown stem; but
+the upper part was a woman, complete from the loins upward. They were
+like our painters' representations of Daphne in the act of turning into a
+tree just as Apollo overtakes her. From the finger-tips sprang vine
+twigs, all loaded with grapes; the hair of their heads was tendrils,
+leaves, and grape-clusters. They greeted us and welcomed our approach,
+talking Lydian, Indian, and Greek, most of them the last. They went so
+far as to kiss us on the mouth; and whoever was kissed staggered like a
+drunken man. But they would not permit us to pluck their fruit, meeting
+the attempt with cries of pain. Some of them made further amorous
+advances; and two of my comrades who yielded to these solicitations found
+it impossible to extricate themselves again from their embraces; the man
+became one plant with the vine, striking root beside it; his fingers
+turned to vine twigs, the tendrils were all round him, and embryo grape-
+clusters were already visible on him.
+
+We left them there and hurried back to the ship, where we told our tale,
+including our friends' experiment in viticulture. Then after taking some
+casks ashore and filling them with wine and water we bivouacked near the
+beach, and next morning set sail before a gentle breeze. But about
+midday, when we were out of sight of the island, a waterspout suddenly
+came upon us, which swept the ship round and up to a height of some three
+hundred and fifty miles above the earth. She did not fall back into the
+sea, but was suspended aloft, and at the same time carried along by a
+wind which struck and filled the sails.
+
+For a whole week we pursued our airy course, and on the eighth day
+descried land; it was an island with air for sea, glistening, spherical,
+and bathed in light. We reached it, cast anchor, and landed; inspection
+soon showed that it was inhabited and cultivated. In the daytime nothing
+could be discerned outside of it; but night revealed many neighbouring
+islands, some larger and some smaller than ours; there was also another
+land below us containing cities, rivers, seas, forests, and mountains;
+and this we concluded to be our Earth.
+
+We were intending to continue our voyage, when we were discovered and
+detained by the Horse-vultures, as they are called. These are men mounted
+on huge vultures, which they ride like horses; the great birds have
+ordinarily three heads. It will give you some idea of their size if I
+state that each of their quill-feathers is longer and thicker than the
+mast of a large merchantman. This corps is charged with the duty of
+patrolling the land, and bringing any strangers it may find to the king;
+this was what was now done with us. The king surveyed us, and, forming
+his conclusions from our dress, 'Strangers,' said he, 'you are Greeks,
+are you not?' we assented. 'And how did you traverse this vast space of
+air?' In answer we gave a full account of ourselves, to which he at once
+replied with his own history. It seemed he too was a mortal, named
+Endymion, who had been conveyed up from our Earth in his sleep, and after
+his arrival had become king of the country; this was, he told us, what we
+knew on our Earth as the moon. He bade us be of good cheer and entertain
+no apprehensions; all our needs should be supplied.
+
+'And if I am victorious,' he added, 'in the campaign which I am now
+commencing against the inhabitants of the Sun, I promise you an extremely
+pleasant life at my court.' We asked about the enemy, and the quarrel.
+'Phaethon,' he replied, 'king of the Sun (which is inhabited, like the
+Moon), has long been at war with us. The occasion was this: I wished at
+one time to collect the poorest of my subjects and send them as a colony
+to Lucifer, which is uninhabited. Phaethon took umbrage at this, met the
+emigrants half way with a troop of Horse-ants, and forbade them to
+proceed. On that occasion, being in inferior force, we were worsted and
+had to retreat; but I now intend to take the offensive and send my
+colony. I shall be glad if you will participate; I will provide your
+equipment and mount you on vultures from the royal coops; the expedition
+starts to-morrow.' I expressed our readiness to do his pleasure.
+
+That day we were entertained by the king; in the morning we took our
+place in the ranks as soon as we were up, our scouts having announced the
+approach of the enemy. Our army numbered 100,000 (exclusive of camp-
+followers, engineers, infantry, and allies), the Horse-vultures amounting
+to 80,000, and the remaining 20,000 being mounted on Salad-wings. These
+latter are also enormous birds, fledged with various herbs, and with
+quill-feathers resembling lettuce leaves. Next these were the Millet-
+throwers and the Garlic-men. Endymion had also a contingent from the
+North of 30,000 Flea-archers and 50,000 Wind-coursers. The former have
+their name from the great fleas, each of the bulk of a dozen elephants,
+which they ride. The Wind-coursers are infantry, moving through the air
+without wings; they effect this by so girding their shirts, which reach
+to the ankle, that they hold the wind like a sail and propel their
+wearers ship-fashion. These troops are usually employed as skirmishers.
+70,000 Ostrich-slingers and 50,000 Horse-cranes were said to be on their
+way from the stars over Cappadocia. But as they failed to arrive I did
+not actually see them; and a description from hearsay I am not prepared
+to give, as the marvels related of them put some strain on belief.
+
+Such was Endymion's force. They were all armed alike; their helmets were
+made of beans, which grow there of great size and hardness; the
+breastplates were of overlapping lupine-husks sewn together, these husks
+being as tough as horn; as to shields and swords, they were of the Greek
+type.
+
+When the time came, the array was as follows: on the right were the
+Horse-vultures, and the King with the _elite_ of his forces,
+including ourselves. The Salad-wings held the left, and in the centre
+were the various allies. The infantry were in round numbers 60,000,000;
+they were enabled to fall in thus: there are in the Moon great numbers of
+gigantic spiders, considerably larger than an average Aegean island;
+these were instructed to stretch webs across from the Moon to Lucifer; as
+soon as the work was done, the King drew up his infantry on this
+artificial plain, entrusting the command to Nightbat, son of Fairweather,
+with two lieutenants.
+
+On the enemy's side, Phaethon occupied the left with his Horse-ants; they
+are great winged animals resembling our ants except in size; but the
+largest of them would measure a couple of acres. The fighting was done
+not only by their riders; they used their horns also; their numbers were
+stated at 50,000. On their right was about an equal force of Sky-gnats--
+archers mounted on great gnats; and next them the Sky-pirouetters, light-
+armed infantry only, but of some military value; they slung monstrous
+radishes at long range, a wound from which was almost immediately fatal,
+turning to gangrene at once; they were supposed to anoint their missiles
+with mallow juice. Next came the Stalk-fungi, 10,000 heavy-armed troops
+for close quarters; the explanation of their name is that their shields
+are mushrooms, and their spears asparagus stalks. Their neighbours were
+the Dog-acorns, Phaethon's contingent from Sirius. These were 5,000 in
+number, dog-faced men fighting on winged acorns. It was reported that
+Phaethon too was disappointed of the slingers whom he had summoned from
+the Milky Way, and of the Cloud-centaurs. These latter, however, arrived,
+most unfortunately for us, after the battle was decided; the slingers
+failed altogether, and are said to have felt the resentment of Phaethon,
+who wasted their territory with fire. Such was the force brought by the
+enemy.
+
+As soon as the standards were raised and the asses on both sides (their
+trumpeters) had brayed, the engagement commenced. The Sunite left at once
+broke without awaiting the onset of the Horse-vultures, and we pursued,
+slaying them. On the other hand, their right had the better of our left,
+the Sky-gnats pressing on right up to our infantry. When these joined in,
+however, they turned and fled, chiefly owing to the moral effect of our
+success on the other flank. The rout became decisive, great numbers were
+taken and slain, and blood flowed in great quantities on to the clouds,
+staining them as red as we see them at sunset; much of it also dropped
+earthwards, and suggested to me that it was possibly some ancient event
+of the same kind which persuaded Homer that Zeus had rained blood at the
+death of Sarpedon.
+
+Relinquishing the pursuit, we set up two trophies, one for the infantry
+engagement on the spiders' webs, and one on the clouds for the air-
+battle. It was while we were thus engaged that our scouts announced the
+approach of the Cloud-centaurs, whom Phaethon had expected in time for
+the battle. They were indeed close upon us, and a strange sight, being
+compounded of winged horses and men; the human part, from the middle
+upwards, was as tall as the Colossus of Rhodes, and the equine the size
+of a large merchantman. Their number I cannot bring myself to write down,
+for fear of exciting incredulity. They were commanded by Sagittarius.
+Finding their friends defeated, they sent a messenger after Phaethon to
+bring him back, and, themselves in perfect order, charged the disarrayed
+Moonites, who had left their ranks and were scattered in pursuit or
+pillage; they routed the whole of them, chased the King home, and killed
+the greater part of his birds; they tore up the trophies, and overran the
+woven plain; I myself was taken, with two of my comrades. Phaethon now
+arrived, and trophies were erected on the enemy's part. We were taken off
+to the Sun the same day, our hands tied behind with a piece of the
+cobweb.
+
+They decided not to lay siege to the city; but after their return they
+constructed a wall across the intervening space, cutting off the Sun's
+rays from the Moon. This wall was double, and built of clouds; the
+consequence was total eclipse of the Moon, which experienced a continuous
+night. This severity forced Endymion to negotiate. He entreated that the
+wall might be taken down, and his kingdom released from this life of
+darkness; he offered to pay tribute, conclude an alliance, abstain from
+hostilities in future, and give hostages for these engagements. The
+Sunites held two assemblies on the question, in the first of which they
+refused all concessions; on the second day, however, they relented, and
+peace was concluded on the following terms.
+
+Articles of peace between the Sunites and their allies of the one part,
+and the Moonites and their allies of the other part.
+
+1. The Sunites shall demolish the party-wall, shall make no further
+incursion into the Moon, and shall hold their captives to ransom at a
+fixed rate.
+
+2. The Moonites shall restore to the other stars their autonomy, shall
+not bear arms against the Sunites, and shall conclude with them a mutual
+defensive alliance.
+
+3. The King of the Moonites shall pay to the King of the Sunites,
+annually, a tribute of ten thousand jars of dew, and give ten
+thousand hostages of his subjects.
+
+4. The high contracting parties shall found the colony of Lucifer in
+common, and shall permit persons of any other nationality to join the
+same.
+
+5. These articles shall be engraved on a pillar of electrum, which shall
+be set up on the border in mid-air.
+
+Sworn to on behalf of the Sun by Firebrace, Heaton, and Flashman; and on
+behalf of the Moon by Nightwell, Monday, and Shimmer.
+
+Peace concluded, the removal of the wall and restoration of captives at
+once followed. As we reached the Moon, we were met and welcomed by our
+comrades and King Endymion, all weeping for joy. The King wished us to
+remain and take part in founding the colony, and, women not existing in
+the Moon, offered me his son in marriage. I refused, asking that we might
+be sent down to the sea again; and finding that he could not prevail, he
+entertained us for a week, and then sent us on our way.
+
+I am now to put on record the novelties and singularities which attracted
+my notice during our stay in the Moon.
+
+When a man becomes old, he does not die, but dissolves in smoke into the
+air. There is one universal diet; they light a fire, and in the embers
+roast frogs, great numbers of which are always flying in the air; they
+then sit round as at table, snuffing up the fumes which rise and serve
+them for food; their drink is air compressed in a cup till it gives off a
+moisture resembling dew. Beauty with them consists in a bald head and
+hairless body; a good crop of hair is an abomination. On the comets, as I
+was told by some of their inhabitants who were there on a visit, this is
+reversed. They have beards, however, just above the knee; no toe-nails,
+and but one toe on each foot. They are all tailed, the tail being a large
+cabbage of an evergreen kind, which does not break if they fall upon it.
+
+Their mucus is a pungent honey; and after hard work or exercise they
+sweat milk all over, which a drop or two of the honey curdles into
+cheese. The oil which they make from onions is very rich, and as fragrant
+as balsam. They have an abundance of water-producing vines, the stones of
+which resemble hailstones; and my own belief is that it is the shaking of
+these vines by hurricanes, and the consequent bursting of the grapes,
+that results in our hailstorms. They use the belly as a pouch in which to
+keep necessaries, being able to open and shut it. It contains no
+intestines or liver, only a soft hairy lining; their young, indeed, creep
+into it for protection from cold.
+
+The clothing of the wealthy is soft glass, and of the poor, woven brass;
+the land is very rich in brass, which they work like wool after steeping
+it in water. It is with some hesitation that I describe their eyes, the
+thing being incredible enough to bring doubt upon my veracity. But the
+fact is that these organs are removable; any one can take out his eyes
+and do without till he wants them; then he has merely to put them in; I
+have known many cases of people losing their own and borrowing at need;
+and some--the rich, naturally--keep a large stock. Their ears are plane-
+leaves, except with the breed raised from acorns; theirs being of wood.
+
+Another marvel I saw in the palace. There is a large mirror suspended
+over a well of no great depth; any one going down the well can hear every
+word spoken on our Earth; and if he looks at the mirror, he sees every
+city and nation as plainly as though he were standing close above each.
+The time I was there, I surveyed my own people and the whole of my native
+country; whether they saw me also, I cannot say for certain. Any one who
+doubts the truth of this statement has only to go there himself, to be
+assured of my veracity.
+
+When the time came, we took our leave of King and court, got on board,
+and weighed anchor. Endymion's parting gifts to me were two glass shirts,
+five of brass, and a suit of lupine armour, all of which, however, I
+afterwards left in the whale's belly; he also sent, as our escort for the
+first fifty miles, a thousand of his Horse-vultures.
+
+We passed on our way many countries, and actually landed on Lucifer, now
+in process of settlement, to water. We then entered the Zodiac and passed
+the Sun on the left, coasting close by it. My crew were very desirous of
+landing, but the wind would not allow of this. We had a good view of the
+country, however, and found it covered with vegetation, rich, well-
+watered, and full of all good things. The Cloud-centaurs, now in
+Phaethon's pay, espied us and pounced upon the ship, but left us alone
+when they learned that we were parties to the treaty.
+
+By this time our escort had gone home. We now took a downward course, and
+twenty-four hours' sailing brought us to Lampton. This lies between the
+atmospheres of the Pleiads and the Hyads, though in point of altitude it
+is considerably lower than the Zodiac. When we landed, we found no human
+beings, but numberless lamps bustling about or spending their time in the
+market-place and harbour; some were small, and might represent the lower
+classes, while a few, the great and powerful, were exceedingly bright and
+conspicuous. They all had their own homes or lodgings, and their
+individual names, like us; we heard them speak, and they did us no harm,
+offering us entertainment, on the contrary; but we were under some
+apprehension, and none of us accepted either food or bed. There is a
+Government House in the middle of the city, where the Governor sits all
+night long calling the roll-call; any one not answering to his name is
+capitally punished as a deserter; that is to say, he is extinguished. We
+were present and witnessed the proceedings, and heard lamps defending
+their conduct and advancing reasons for their lateness. I there
+recognized our own house lamp, accosted him, and asked for news of my
+friends, in which he satisfied me. We stayed there that night, set sail
+next morning, and found ourselves sailing, now, nearly as low as the
+clouds. Here we were surprised to find Cloud-cuckoo-land; we were
+prevented from landing by the direction of the wind, but learned that the
+King's name was Crookbeak, son of Fitz-Ousel. I bethought me of
+Aristophanes, the learned and veracious poet whose statements had met
+with unmerited incredulity. Three days more, and we had a distinct view
+of the Ocean, though there was no land visible except the islands
+suspended in air; and these had now assumed a brilliant fiery hue. About
+noon on the fourth day the wind slackened and fell, and we were deposited
+upon the sea.
+
+The joy and delight with which the touch of water affected us is
+indescribable; transported at our good fortune, we flung ourselves
+overboard and swam, the weather being calm and the sea smooth. Alas, how
+often is a change for the better no more than the beginning of disaster!
+We had but two days' delightful sail, and by the rising sun of the third
+we beheld a crowd of whales and marine monsters, and among them one far
+larger than the rest--some two hundred miles in length. It came on open-
+mouthed, agitating the sea far in front, bathed in foam, and exhibiting
+teeth whose length much surpassed the height of our great phallic images,
+all pointed like sharp stakes and white as elephants' tusks. We gave each
+other a last greeting, took a last embrace, and so awaited our doom. The
+monster was upon us; it sucked us in; it swallowed ship and crew entire.
+We escaped being ground by its teeth, the ship gliding in through the
+interstices.
+
+Inside, all was darkness at first, in which we could distinguish nothing;
+but when it next opened its mouth, an enormous cavern was revealed, of
+great extent and height; a city of ten thousand inhabitants might have
+had room in it. Strewn about were small fish, the _disjecta membra_
+of many kinds of animal, ships' masts and anchors, human bones, and
+merchandise; in the centre was land with hillocks upon it, the alluvial
+deposit, I supposed, from what the whale swallowed. This was wooded with
+trees of all kinds, and vegetables were growing with all the appearance
+of cultivation. The coast might have measured thirty miles round. Sea-
+birds, such as gulls and halcyons, nested on the trees.
+
+We spent some time weeping, but at last got our men up and had the ship
+made fast, while we rubbed wood to get a fire and prepared a meal out of
+the plentiful materials around us; there were fragments of various fish,
+and the water we had taken in at Lucifer was unexhausted. Upon getting up
+next day, we caught glimpses, as often as the whale opened his mouth, of
+land, of mountains, it might be of the sky alone, or often of islands; we
+realized that he was dashing at a great rate to every part of the sea. We
+grew accustomed to our condition in time, and I then took seven of my
+comrades and entered the wood in search of information. I had scarcely
+gone half a mile when I came upon a shrine, which its inscription showed
+to have been raised to Posidon; a little further were a number of graves
+with pillars upon them, and close by a spring of clear water; we also
+heard a dog bark, saw some distant smoke, and conjectured that there
+must be a habitation.
+
+We accordingly pressed on, and found ourselves in presence of an old man
+and a younger one, who were working hard at a plot of ground and watering
+it by a channel from the spring. We stood still, divided between fear and
+delight. They were standing speechless, no doubt with much the same
+feelings. At length the old man spoke:--'What are you, strangers; are you
+spirits of the sea, or unfortunate mortals like ourselves? As for us, we
+are men, bred on land; but now we have suffered a sea change, and swim
+about in this containing monster, scarce knowing how to describe our
+state; reason tells us we are dead, but instinct that we live.' This
+loosed my tongue in turn. 'We too, father,' I said, 'are men, just
+arrived; it is but a day or two since we were swallowed with our ship.
+And now we have come forth to explore the forest; for we saw that it was
+vast and dense. Methinks some heavenly guide has brought us to the sight
+of you, to the knowledge that we are not prisoned all alone in this
+monster. I pray you, let us know your tale, who you are and how you
+entered.' Then he said that, before he asked or answered questions, he
+must give us such entertainment as he could; so saying, he brought us to
+his house--a sufficient dwelling furnished with beds and what else he
+might need--, and set before us green-stuff and nuts and fish, with wine
+for drink. When we had eaten our fill, he asked for our story. I told him
+all as it had passed, the storm, the island, the airy voyage, the war,
+and so to our descent into the whale.
+
+It was very strange, he said, and then gave us his history in return. 'I
+am a Cyprian, gentlemen. I left my native land on a trading voyage with
+my son here and a number of servants. We had a fine ship, with a mixed
+cargo for Italy; you may have seen the wreckage in the whale's mouth. We
+had a fair voyage to Sicily, but on leaving it were caught in a gale, and
+carried in three days out to the Atlantic, where we fell in with the
+whale and were swallowed, ship and crew; of the latter we two alone
+survived. We buried our men, built a temple to Posidon, and now live this
+life, cultivating our garden, and feeding on fish and nuts. It is a great
+wood, as you see, and in it are vines in plenty, from which we get
+delicious wine; our spring you may have noticed; its water is of the
+purest and coldest. We use leaves for bedding, keep a good fire, snare
+the birds that fly in, and catch living fish by going out on the
+monster's gills; it is there also that we take our bath when we are
+disposed. There is moreover at no great distance a salt lake two or three
+miles round, producing all sorts of fish; in this we swim and sail, in a
+little boat of my building. It is now seven and twenty years since we
+were swallowed.
+
+'Our lot might have been endurable enough, but we have bad and
+troublesome neighbours, unfriendly savages all.' 'What,' said I, 'are
+there other inhabitants?' 'A great many,' he replied, 'inhospitable and
+abhorrent to the sight. The western part of the wood (so to name the
+caudal region) is occupied by the Stockfish tribe; they have eels' eyes
+and lobster faces, are bold warriors, and eat their meat raw. Of the
+sides of the cavern, the right belongs to the Tritonomendetes, who from
+the waist upwards are human, and weazels below; their notions of justice
+are slightly less rudimentary than the others'. The left is in possession
+of the Crabhands and the Tunnyheads, two tribes in close alliance. The
+central part is inhabited by the Crays and the Flounderfoots, the latter
+warlike and extremely swift. As to this district near the mouth, the
+East, as it were, it is in great part desert, owing to the frequent
+inundations. I hold it of the Flounderfoots, paying an annual tribute of
+five hundred oysters.
+
+'Such is the land; and now it is for you to consider how we may make head
+against all these tribes, and what shall be our manner of life.' 'What
+may their numbers be, all told?' I asked. 'More than a thousand.' 'And
+how armed?' 'They have no arms but fishbones.' 'Why then,' I said, 'let
+us fight them by all means; we are armed, and they are not; and, if we
+win, we shall live secure.' We agreed on this course, and returned to the
+ship to make our preparations. The pretext for war was to be non-payment
+of the tribute, which was on the point of falling due. Messengers, in
+fact, shortly came to demand it, but the old man sent them about their
+business with an insolent answer. The Flounderfoots and Crays were
+enraged, and commenced operations with a tumultuous inroad upon
+Scintharus--this was our old man's name.
+
+Expecting this, we were awaiting the attack in full armour. We had put
+five and twenty men in ambush, with directions to fall on the enemy's
+rear as soon as they had passed; they executed their orders, and came on
+from behind cutting them down, while the rest of us--five and twenty
+also, including Scintharus and his son--met them face to face with a
+spirited and resolute attack. It was risky work, but in the end we routed
+and chased them to their dens. They left one hundred and seventy dead,
+while we lost only our navigating officer, stabbed in the back with a
+mullet rib, and one other.
+
+We held the battlefield for the rest of that day and the night following,
+and erected a trophy consisting of a dolphin's backbone upright. Next day
+the news brought the other tribes out, with the Stockfish under a general
+called Slimer on the right, the Tunnyheads on the left, and the Crabhands
+in the centre; the Tritonomendetes stayed at home, preferring neutrality.
+We did not wait to be attacked, but charged them near Posidon's temple
+with loud shouts, which echoed as in a subterranean cave. Their want of
+armour gave us the victory; we pursued them to the wood, and were
+henceforth masters.
+
+Soon after, they sent heralds to treat for recovery of their dead, and
+for peace. But we decided to make no terms with them, and marching out
+next day exterminated the whole, with the exception of the
+Tritonomendetes. These too, when they saw what was going on, made a rush
+for the gills, and cast themselves into the sea. We went over the
+country, now clear of enemies, and occupied it from that time in
+security. Our usual employments were exercise, hunting, vine-dressing,
+and fruit-gathering; we were in the position of men in a vast prison from
+which escape is out of the question, but within which they have luxury
+and freedom of movement. This manner of life lasted for a year and eight
+months.
+
+It was on the fifth of the next month, about the second gape (the whale,
+I should say, gaped regularly once an hour, and we reckoned time that
+way)--about the second gape, then, a sudden shouting and tumult became
+audible; it sounded like boatswains giving the time and oars beating.
+Much excited, we crept right out into our monster's mouth, stood inside
+the teeth, and beheld the most extraordinary spectacle I ever looked
+upon--giants of a hundred yards in height rowing great islands as we do
+triremes. I am aware that what I am to relate must sound improbable; but
+I cannot help it. Very long islands they were, but of no great height;
+the circumference of each would be about eleven miles; and its complement
+of giants was some hundred and twenty. Of these some sat along each side
+of the island, rowing with big cypresses, from which the branches and
+leaves were not stripped; in the stern, so to speak, was a considerable
+hillock, on which stood the helmsman with his hand on a brazen steering-
+oar of half a mile in length; and on the deck forward were forty in
+armour, the combatants; they resembled men except in their hair, which
+was flaming fire, so that they could dispense with helmets. The work of
+sails was done by the abundant forest on all the islands, which so caught
+and held the wind that it drove them where the steersman wished; there
+was a boatswain timing the stroke, and the islands jumped to it like
+great galleys.
+
+We had seen only two or three at first; but there appeared afterwards as
+many as six hundred, which formed in two lines and commenced an action.
+Many crashed into each other stem to stem, many were rammed and sunk,
+others grappled, fought an obstinate duel, and could hardly get clear
+after it. Great courage was shown by the troops on deck, who boarded and
+dealt destruction, giving no quarter. Instead of grappling-irons, they
+used huge captive squids, which they swung out on to the hostile island;
+these grappled the wood and so held the island fast. Their missiles,
+effective enough, were oysters the size of waggons, and sponges which
+might cover an acre.
+
+Aeolocentaur and Thalassopot were the names of the rival chiefs; and the
+question between them was one of plunder; Thalassopot was supposed to
+have driven off several herds of dolphins, the other's property; we could
+hear them vociferating the charge and calling out their Kings' names.
+Aeolocentaur's fleet finally won, sinking one hundred and fifty of the
+enemy's islands and capturing three with their crews; the remainder
+backed away, turned and fled. The victors pursued some way, but, as it
+was now evening, returned to the disabled ones, secured most of the
+enemy's, and recovered their own, of which as many as eighty had been
+sunk. As a trophy of victory they slung one of the enemy's islands to a
+stake which they planted in our whale's head. They lay moored round him
+that night, attaching cables to him or anchoring hard by; they had vast
+glass anchors, very strong. Next morning they sacrificed on the whale's
+back, buried their dead there, and sailed off rejoicing, with something
+corresponding to our paean. So ended the battle of the islands.
+
+BOOK II
+
+I now began to find life in the whale unendurable; I was tired to death
+of it, and concentrated my thoughts on plans of escape. Our first idea
+was to excavate a passage through the beast's right side, and go out
+through it. We actually began boring, but gave it up when we had
+penetrated half a mile without getting through. We then determined to set
+fire to the forest, our object being the death of the whale, which would
+remove all difficulties. We started burning from the tail end; but for a
+whole week he made no sign; on the eighth and ninth days it was apparent
+that he was unwell; his jaws opened only languidly, and each time closed
+again very soon. On the tenth and eleventh days mortification had set in,
+evidenced by a horrible stench; on the twelfth, it occurred to us, just
+in time, that we must take the next occasion of the mouth's being open to
+insert props between the upper and lower molars, and so prevent his
+closing it; else we should be imprisoned and perish in the dead body. We
+successfully used great beams for the purpose, and then got the ship
+ready with all the water and provisions we could manage. Scintharus was
+to navigate her. Next day the whale was dead.
+
+We hauled the vessel up, brought her through one of the gaps, slung her
+to the teeth, and so let her gently down to the water. We then ascended
+the back, where we sacrificed to Posidon by the side of the trophy, and,
+as there was no wind, encamped there for three days. On the fourth day we
+were able to start. We found and came into contact with many corpses, the
+relics of the sea-fight, and our wonder was heightened when we measured
+them. For some days we enjoyed a moderate breeze, after which a violent
+north wind rose, bringing hard frost; the whole sea was frozen--not
+merely crusted over, but solidified to four hundred fathoms' depth; we
+got out and walked about. The continuance of the wind making life
+intolerable, we adopted the plan, suggested by Scintharus, of hewing an
+extensive cavern in the ice, in which we stayed a month, lighting fires
+and feeding on fish; we had only to dig these out. In the end, however,
+provisions ran short, and we came out; the ship was frozen in, but we got
+her free; we then hoisted sail, and were carried along as well as if we
+had been afloat, gliding smoothly and easily over the ice. After five
+days more the temperature rose, a thaw set in, and all was water again.
+
+A stretch of five and thirty miles brought us to a small desert isle,
+where we got water--of which we were now in want--, and shot two wild
+bulls before we departed. These animals had their horns not on the top of
+the head, but, as Momus recommended, below the eyes. Not long after this,
+we entered a sea of milk, in which we observed an island, white in
+colour, and full of vines. The island was one great cheese, quite firm,
+as we afterwards ascertained by eating it, and three miles round. The
+vines were covered with fruit, but the drink we squeezed from it was milk
+instead of wine. In the centre of the island was a temple to Galatea the
+Nereid, as the inscription informed us. During our stay there, the ground
+itself served us for bread and meat, and the vine-milk for drink. We
+learned that the queen of these regions was Tyro, daughter of Salmoneus,
+on whom Posidon had conferred this dignity at her decease.
+
+After spending five days there we started again with a gentle breeze and
+a rippling sea. A few days later, when we had emerged from the milk into
+blue salt water, we saw numbers of men walking on the sea; they were like
+ourselves in shape and stature, with the one exception of the feet, which
+were of cork; whence, no doubt, their name of Corksoles. It struck us as
+curious that they did not sink in, but travelled quite comfortably clear
+of the water. Some of them came up and hailed us in Greek, saying that
+they were making their way to their native land of Cork. They ran
+alongside for some distance, and then turned off and went their own way,
+wishing us a pleasant voyage. A little further we saw several islands;
+close to us on the left was Cork, our friends' destination, consisting of
+a city founded on a vast round cork; at a greater distance, and a little
+to the right, were five others of considerable size and high out of the
+water, with great flames rising from them.
+
+There was also a broad low one, as much as sixty miles in length,
+straight in our course. As we drew near it, a marvellous air was wafted
+to us, exquisitely fragrant, like the scent which Herodotus describes as
+coming from Arabia Felix. Its sweetness seemed compounded of rose,
+narcissus, hyacinth, lilies and violets, myrtle and bay and flowering
+vine. Ravished with the perfume, and hoping for reward of our long toils,
+we drew slowly near. Then were unfolded to us haven after haven, spacious
+and sheltered, and crystal rivers flowing placidly to the sea. There were
+meadows and groves and sweet birds, some singing on the shore, some on
+the branches; the whole bathed in limpid balmy air. Sweet zephyrs just
+stirred the woods with their breath, and brought whispering melody,
+delicious, incessant, from the swaying branches; it was like Pan-pipes
+heard in a desert place. And with it all there mingled a volume of human
+sound, a sound not of tumult, but rather of revels where some flute, and
+some praise the fluting, and some clap their hands commending flute or
+harp.
+
+Drawn by the spell of it we came to land, moored the ship, and left her,
+in charge of Scintharus and two others. Taking our way through flowery
+meadows we came upon the guardians of the peace, who bound us with rose-
+garlands--their strongest fetters--and brought us to the governor. As we
+went they told us this was the island called of the Blest, and its
+governor the Cretan Rhadamanthus. When we reached the court, we found
+there were three cases to be taken before our turn would come.
+
+The first was that of Ajax, son of Telamon, and the question was whether
+he was to be admitted to the company of Heroes; it was objected that he
+had been mad and taken his own life. After long pleadings Rhadamanthus
+gave his decision: he was to be put under the charge of Hippocrates the
+physician of Cos for the hellebore treatment, and, when he had recovered
+his wits, to be made free of the table.
+
+The second was a matrimonial case, the parties Theseus and Menelaus, and
+the issue possession of Helen. Rhadamanthus gave it in favour of
+Menelaus, on the ground of the great toils and dangers the match had cost
+him--added to the fact that Theseus was provided with other wives in the
+Amazon queen and the daughters of Minos.
+
+The third was a dispute for precedence between Alexander son of Philip
+and Hannibal the Carthaginian; it was won by the former, who had a seat
+assigned him next to Cyrus the elder.
+
+It was now our turn. The judge asked by what right we set foot on this
+holy ground while yet alive. In answer we related our story. He then had
+us removed while he held a long consultation with his numerous assessors,
+among whom was the Athenian Aristides the Just. He finally reached a
+conclusion and gave judgement: on the charges of curiosity and travelling
+we were remanded till the date of our deaths; for the present we were to
+stay in the island, with admission to the Heroic society, for a fixed
+term, after which we must depart. The limit he appointed for our stay was
+seven months.
+
+Our rose-chains now fell off of their own accord, we were released and
+taken into the city, and to the Table of the Blest. The whole of this
+city is built of gold, and the enclosing wall of emerald. It has seven
+gates, each made of a single cinnamon plank. The foundations of the
+houses, and all ground inside the wall, are ivory; temples are built of
+beryl, and each contains an altar of one amethyst block, on which they
+offer hecatombs. Round the city flows a river of the finest perfume, a
+hundred royal cubits in breadth, and fifty deep, so that there is good
+swimming. The baths, supplied with warm dew instead of ordinary water,
+are in great crystal domes heated with cinnamon wood.
+
+Their raiment is fine cobweb, purple in colour. They have no bodies, but
+are intangible and unsubstantial--mere form without matter; but, though
+incorporeal, they stand and move, think and speak; in short, each is a
+naked soul, but carries about the semblance of body; one who did not
+touch them would never know that what he looked at was not substantial;
+they are shadows, but upright, and coloured. A man there does not grow
+old, but stays at whatever age he brought with him. There is no night,
+nor yet bright day; the morning twilight, just before sunrise, gives the
+best idea of the light that prevails. They have also but one season,
+perpetual spring, and the wind is always in the west.
+
+The country abounds in every kind of flower, in shrubs and garden herbs.
+There are twelve vintages in the year, the grapes ripening every month;
+and they told us that pomegranates, apples, and other fruits were
+gathered thirteen times, the trees producing twice in their month Minous.
+Instead of grain, the corn develops loaves, shaped like mushrooms, at the
+top of the stalks. Round the city are 365 springs of water, the same of
+honey, and 500, less in volume however, of perfume. There are also seven
+rivers of milk and eight of wine.
+
+The banqueting-place is arranged outside the city in the Elysian Plain.
+It is a fair lawn closed in with thick-grown trees of every kind, in the
+shadow of which the guests recline, on cushions of flowers. The waiting
+and handing is done by the winds, except only the filling of the wine-
+cup. That is a service not required; for all round stand great trees of
+pellucid crystal, whose fruit is drinking-cups of every shape and size. A
+guest arriving plucks a cup or two and sets them at his place, where they
+at once fill with wine. So for their drink; and instead of garlands, the
+nightingales and other singing birds pick flowers with their beaks from
+the meadows round, and fly over snowing the petals down and singing the
+while. Nor is perfume forgotten; thick clouds draw it up from the springs
+and river, and hanging overhead are gently squeezed by the winds till
+they spray it down in fine dew.
+
+During the meal there is music and song. In the latter kind, Homer's
+verse is the favourite; he is himself a member of the festal company,
+reclining next above Odysseus. The choirs are of boys and girls,
+conducted and led by Eunomus the Locrian, Arion of Lesbos, Anacreon and
+Stesichorus; this last had made his peace with Helen, and I saw him
+there. When these have finished, a second choir succeeds, of swans and
+swallows and nightingales; and when their turn is done, all the trees
+begin to pipe, conducted by the winds.
+
+I have still to add the most important element in their good cheer: there
+are two springs hard by, called the Fountain of Laughter, and the
+Fountain of Delight. They all take a draught of both these before the
+banquet begins, after which the time goes merrily and sweetly.
+
+I should now like to name the famous persons I saw. To begin with, all
+the demi-gods, and the besiegers of Troy, with the exception of Ajax the
+Locrian; he, they said, was undergoing punishment in the place of the
+wicked. Of barbarians there were the two Cyruses, Anacharsis the
+Scythian, Zamolxis the Thracian, and the Latin Numa; and then Lycurgus
+the Spartan, Phocion and Tellus of Athens, and the Wise Men, but without
+Periander. And I saw Socrates son of Sophroniscus in converse with Nestor
+and Palamedes; clustered round him were Hyacinth the Spartan, Narcissus
+of Thespiae, Hylas, and many another comely boy. With Hyacinth I
+suspected that he was in love; at least he was for ever poking questions
+at him. I heard that Rhadamanthus was dissatisfied with Socrates, and had
+several times threatened him with expulsion, if he insisted on talking
+nonsense, and would not drop his irony and enjoy himself. Plato was the
+only one I missed, but I was told that he was living in his own Utopia,
+working the constitution and laws which he had drawn up.
+
+For popularity, Aristippus and Epicurus bore the palm, in virtue of their
+kindliness, sociability, and good-fellowship. Aesop the Phrygian was
+there, and held the office of jester. Diogenes of Sinope was much
+changed; he had married Lais the courtesan, and often in his cups would
+oblige the company with a dance, or other mad pranks. The Stoics were not
+represented at all; they were supposed to be still climbing the steep
+hill of Virtue; and as to Chrysippus himself, we were told that he was
+not to set foot on the island till he had taken a fourth course of
+hellebore. The Academics contemplated coming, but were taking time for
+consideration; they could not yet regard it as a certainty that any such
+island existed. There was probably the added difficulty that they were
+not comfortable about the judgement of Rhadamanthus, having themselves
+disputed the possibility of judgement. It was stated that many of them
+had started to follow persons travelling to the island, but, their energy
+failing, had abandoned the journey half-way and gone back.
+
+I have mentioned the most noteworthy of the company, and add that the
+most highly respected among them are, first Achilles, and second Theseus.
+
+Before many days had passed, I accosted the poet Homer, when we were both
+disengaged, and asked him, among other things, where he came from; it was
+still a burning question with us, I explained. He said he was aware that
+some brought him from Chios, others from Smyrna, and others again from
+Colophon; the fact was, he was a Babylonian, generally known not as
+Homer, but as Tigranes; but when later in life he was given as a
+_homer_ or hostage to the Greeks, that name clung to him. Another of
+my questions was about the so-called spurious lines; had he written them,
+or not? He said they were all genuine; so I now knew what to think of the
+critics Zenodotus and Aristarchus, and all their lucubrations. Having got
+a categorical answer on that point, I tried him next on his reason for
+starting the Iliad at the wrath of Achilles; he said he had no exquisite
+reason; it had just come into his head that way. Another thing I wanted
+to know was whether he had composed the Odyssey before the Iliad, as
+generally believed. He said this was not so. As to his reported
+blindness, I did not need to ask; he had his sight, so there was an end
+of that. It became a habit of mine, whenever I saw him at leisure, to go
+up and ask him things, and he answered quite readily--especially after
+his acquittal; a libel suit had been brought against him by Thersites, on
+the ground of the ridicule to which he is subjected in the poem; Homer
+had briefed Odysseus, and been acquitted.
+
+It was during our sojourn that Pythagoras arrived; he had undergone seven
+transmigrations, lived the lives of that number of animals, and completed
+his psychic travels. It was the entire right half of him that was gold.
+He was at once given the franchise, but the question was still pending
+whether he was to be known as Pythagoras or Euphorbus. Empedocles also
+came, scorched all over and baked right through; but not all his
+entreaties could gain him admittance.
+
+The progress of time brought round the Games of the Dead. The umpires
+were Achilles, holding that office for the fifth, and Theseus for the
+seventh time. A full report would take too long; but I will summarize the
+events. The wrestling went to Carus the Heraclid, who won the garland
+from Odysseus. The boxing resulted in a tie; the pair being the Egyptian
+Areus, whose grave is in Corinth, and Epeus. For mixed boxing and
+wrestling they have no prize. Who won the flat race, I have forgotten. In
+poetry, Homer really did much the best, but the award was for Hesiod. All
+prizes were plaited wreaths of peacock feathers.
+
+Just after the Games were over, news came that the Damned had broken
+their fetters, overpowered their guard, and were on the point of invading
+the island, the ringleaders being Phalaris of Agrigentum, Busiris the
+Egyptian, Diomedes the Thracian, Sciron, and Pityocamptes. Rhadamanthus
+at once drew up the Heroes on the beach, giving the command to Theseus,
+Achilles, and Ajax Telamonius, now in his right senses. The battle was
+fought, and won by the Heroes, thanks especially to Achilles. Socrates,
+who was in the right wing, distinguished himself still more than in his
+lifetime at Delium, standing firm and showing no sign of trepidation as
+the enemy came on; he was afterwards given as a reward of valour a large
+and beautiful park in the outskirts, to which he invited his friends for
+conversation, naming it the Post-mortem Academy.
+
+The defeated party were seized, re-fettered, and sent back for severer
+torments. Homer added to his poems a description of this battle, and at
+my departure handed me the MS. to bring back to the living world; but it
+was unfortunately lost with our other property. It began with the line:
+
+  Tell now, my Muse, how fought the mighty Dead.
+
+According to their custom after successful war, they boiled beans, held
+the feast of victory, and kept high holiday. From this Pythagoras alone
+held aloof, fasting and sitting far off, in sign of his abhorrence of
+bean-eating.
+
+We were in the middle of our seventh month, when an incident happened.
+Scintharus's son, Cinyras, a fine figure of a man, had fallen in love
+with Helen some time before, and it was obvious that she was very much
+taken with the young fellow; there used to be nods and becks and takings
+of wine between them at table, and they would go off by themselves for
+strolls in the wood. At last love and despair inspired Cinyras with the
+idea of an elopement. Helen consented, and they were to fly to one of the
+neighbouring islands, Cork or Cheese Island. They had taken three of the
+boldest of my crew into their confidence; Cinyras said not a word to his
+father, knowing that he would put a stop to it. The plan was carried out;
+under cover of night, and in my absence--I had fallen asleep at table--,
+they got Helen away unobserved and rowed off as hard as they could.
+
+About midnight Menelaus woke up, and finding his wife's place empty
+raised an alarm, and got his brother to go with him to King Rhadamanthus.
+Just before dawn the look-outs announced that they could make out the
+boat, far out at sea. So Rhadamanthus sent fifty of the Heroes on board a
+boat hollowed out of an asphodel trunk, with orders to give chase.
+Pulling their best, they overtook the fugitives at noon, as they were
+entering the milky sea near the Isle of Cheese; so nearly was the escape
+effected. The boat was towed back with a chain of roses. Helen shed
+tears, and so felt her situation as to draw a veil over her face. As to
+Cinyras and his associates, Rhadamanthus interrogated them to find
+whether they had more accomplices, and, being assured to the contrary,
+had them whipped with mallow twigs, bound, and dismissed to the place of
+the wicked.
+
+It was further determined that we should be expelled prematurely from the
+island; we were allowed only one day's grace. This drew from me loud
+laments and tears for the bliss that I was now to exchange for renewed
+wanderings. They consoled me for their sentence, however, by telling me
+that it would not be many years before I should return to them, and
+assigning me my chair and my place at table--a distinguished one--in
+anticipation. I then went to Rhadamanthus, and was urgent with him to
+reveal the future to me, and give me directions for our voyage. He told
+me that I should come to my native land after many wanderings and perils,
+but as to the time of my return he would give me no certainty. He
+pointed, however, to the neighbouring islands, of which five were
+visible, besides one more distant, and informed me that the wicked
+inhabited these, the near ones, that is, 'from which you see the great
+flames rising; the sixth yonder is the City of Dreams; and beyond that
+again, but not visible at this distance, is Calypso's isle. When you have
+passed these, you will come to the great continent which is opposite your
+own; there you will have many adventures, traverse divers tribes, sojourn
+among inhospitable men, and at last reach your own continent.' That was
+all he would say.
+
+But he pulled up a mallow root and handed it to me, bidding me invoke it
+at times of greatest danger. When I arrived in this world, he charged me
+to abstain from stirring fire with a knife, from lupines, and from the
+society of boys over eighteen; these things if I kept in mind, I might
+look for return to the island. That day I made ready for our voyage, and
+when the banquet hour came, I shared it. On the morrow I went to the poet
+Homer and besought him to write me a couplet for inscription; when he had
+done it, I carved it on a beryl pillar which I had set up close to the
+harbour; it ran thus:
+
+  This island, ere he took his homeward way,
+  The blissful Gods gave Lucian to survey.
+
+I stayed out that day too, and next morning started, the Heroes attending
+to see me off. Odysseus took the opportunity to come unobserved by
+Penelope and give me a letter for Calypso in the isle Ogygia.
+Rhadamanthus sent on board with me the ferryman Nauplius, who, in case we
+were driven on to the islands, might secure us from seizure by
+guaranteeing that our destination was different. As soon as our progress
+brought us out of the scented air, it was succeeded by a horrible smell
+as of bitumen, brimstone, and pitch all burning together; mingled with
+this were the disgusting and intolerable fumes of roasting human flesh;
+the air was dark and thick, distilling a pitchy dew upon us; we could
+also hear the crack of whips and the yelling of many voices.
+
+We only touched at one island, on which we also landed. It was completely
+surrounded by precipitous cliffs, arid, stony, rugged, treeless,
+unwatered. We contrived to clamber up the rocks, and advanced along a
+track beset with thorns and snags--a hideous scene. When we reached the
+prison and the place of punishment, what first drew our wonder was the
+character of the whole. The very ground stood thick with a crop of knife-
+blades and pointed stakes; and it was ringed round with rivers, one of
+slime, a second of blood, and the innermost of flame. This last was very
+broad and quite impassable; the flame flowed like water, swelled like the
+sea, and teemed with fish, some resembling firebrands, and others, the
+small ones, live coals; these were called lamplets.
+
+One narrow way led across all three; its gate was kept by Timon of
+Athens. Nauplius secured us admission, however, and then we saw the
+chastisement of many kings, and many common men; some were known to us;
+indeed there hung Cinyras, swinging in eddies of smoke. Our guides
+described the life and guilt of each culprit; the severest torments were
+reserved for those who in life had been liars and written false history;
+the class was numerous, and included Ctesias of Cnidus, and Herodotus.
+The fact was an encouragement to me, knowing that I had never told a lie.
+
+I soon found the sight more than I could bear, and returning to the ship
+bade farewell to Nauplius and resumed the voyage. Very soon we seemed
+quite close to the Isle of Dreams, though there was a certain dimness and
+vagueness about its outline; but it had something dreamlike in its very
+nature; for as we approached it receded, and seemed to get further and
+further off. At last we reached it and sailed into Slumber, the port,
+close to the ivory gates where stands the temple of the Cock. It was
+evening when we landed, and upon proceeding to the city we saw many
+strange dreams. But I intend first to describe the city, as it has not
+been done before; Homer indeed mentions it, but gives no detailed
+description.
+
+The whole place is embowered in wood, of which the trees are poppy and
+mandragora, all thronged with bats; this is the only winged thing that
+exists there. A river, called the Somnambule, flows close by, and there
+are two springs at the gates, one called Wakenot, and the other
+Nightlong. The rampart is lofty and of many colours, in the rainbow
+style. The gates are not two, as Homer says, but four, of which two look
+on to the plain Stupor; one of them is of iron, the other of pottery, and
+we were told that these are used by the grim, the murderous, and the
+cruel. The other pair face the sea and port, and are of horn--it was by
+this that we had entered--and of ivory. On the right as you enter the
+city stands the temple of Night, which deity divides with the Cock their
+chief allegiance; the temple of the latter is close to the port. On the
+left is the palace of Sleep. He is the governor, with two lieutenants,
+Nightmare, son of Whimsy, and Flittergold, son of Fantasy. A well in the
+middle of the market-place goes by the name of Heavyhead; beside which
+are the temples of Deceit and Truth. In the market also is the shrine in
+which oracles are given, the priest and prophet, by special appointment
+from Sleep, being Antiphon the dream-interpreter.
+
+The dreams themselves differed widely in character and appearance. Some
+were well-grown, smooth-skinned, shapely, handsome fellows, others rough,
+short, and ugly; some apparently made of gold, others of common cheap
+stuff. Among them some were found with wings, and other strange
+variations; others again were like the mummers in a pageant, tricked out
+as kings or Gods or what not. Many of them we felt that we had seen in
+our world, and sure enough these came up and claimed us as old
+acquaintance; they took us under their charge, found us lodgings,
+entertained us with lavish kindness, and, not content with the
+magnificence of this present reception, promised us royalties and
+provinces. Some of them also took us to see our friends, doing the return
+trip all in the day.
+
+For thirty days and nights we abode there--a very feast of sleep. Then on
+a sudden came a mighty clap of thunder: we woke; jumped up; provisioned;
+put off. In three days we were at the Isle of Ogygia, where we landed.
+Before delivering the letter, I opened and read it; here are the
+contents: _ODYSSEUS TO CALYPSO, GREETING. Know that in the faraway days
+when I built my raft and sailed away from you, I suffered shipwreck; I
+was hard put to it, but Leucothea brought me safe to the land of the
+Phaeacians; they gave me passage home, and there I found a great company
+suing for my wife's hand and living riotously upon our goods. All them I
+slew, and in after years was slain by Telegonus, the son that Circe bare
+me. And now I am in the Island of the Blest, ruing the day when I left
+the life I had with you, and the everlasting life you proffered. I watch
+for opportunity, and meditate escape and return_. Some words were
+added, commending us to her hospitality.
+
+A little way from the sea I found the cave just as it is in Homer, and
+herself therein at her spinning. She took and read the letter, wept for a
+space, and then offered us entertainment; royally she feasted us, putting
+questions the while about Odysseus and Penelope; what were her looks? and
+was she as discreet as Odysseus had been used to vaunt her? To which we
+made such answers as we thought she would like.
+
+Leaving her, we went on board, and spent the night at anchor just off
+shore; in the morning we started with a stiff breeze, which grew to a
+gale lasting two days; on the third day we fell in with the Pumpkin-
+pirates. These are savages of the neighbouring islands who prey upon
+passing ships. They use large boats made of pumpkins ninety feet long.
+The pumpkin is dried and hollowed out by removal of the pulp, and the
+boat is completed by the addition of cane masts and pumpkin-leaf sails.
+Two boatfuls of them engaged us, and we had many casualties from their
+pumpkin-seed missiles. The fight was long and well matched; but about
+noon we saw a squadron of Nut-tars coming up in rear of the enemy. It
+turned out that the two parties were at war; for as soon as our
+assailants observed the others, they left us alone and turned to engage
+them.
+
+Meanwhile we hoisted sail and made the best of our way off, leaving them
+to fight it out. It was clear that the Nut-tars must win, as they had
+both superior numbers--there were five sail of them--and stronger
+vessels. These were made of nutshells, halved and emptied, measuring
+ninety feet from stem to stern. As soon as they were hull down, we
+attended to our wounded; and from that time we made a practice of keeping
+on our armour, to be in instant readiness for an attack--no vain
+precaution either.
+
+Before sunset, for instance, there assailed us from a bare island some
+twenty men mounted on large dolphins--pirates again. Their dolphins
+carried them quite well, curvetting and neighing. When they got near,
+they divided, and subjected us to a cross fire of dry cuttlefish and
+crabs' eyes. But our arrows and javelins were too much for them, and
+they fled back to the island, few of them unwounded.
+
+At midnight, in calm weather, we found ourselves colliding with an
+enormous halcyon's nest; it was full seven miles round. The halcyon was
+brooding, not much smaller herself than the nest. She got up, and very
+nearly capsized us with the fanning of her wings; however, she went off
+with a melancholy cry. When it was getting light, we got on to the nest,
+and found on examination that it was composed like a vast raft of large
+trees. There were five hundred eggs, larger in girth than a tun of Chian.
+We could make out the chicks inside and hear them croaking; we hewed open
+one egg with hatchets, and dug out an unfledged chick bulkier than twenty
+vultures.
+
+Sailing on, we had left the nest some five and twenty miles behind, when
+a miracle happened. The wooden goose of our stern-post suddenly clapped
+its wings and started cackling; Scintharus, who was bald, recovered his
+hair; most striking of all, the ship's mast came to life, putting forth
+branches sideways, and fruit at the top; this fruit was figs, and a bunch
+of black grapes, not yet ripe. These sights naturally disturbed us, and
+we fell to praying the Gods to avert any disaster they might portend.
+
+We had proceeded something less than fifty miles when we saw a great
+forest, thick with pines and cypresses. This we took for the mainland;
+but it was in fact deep sea, set with trees; they had no roots, but yet
+remained in their places, floating upright, as it were. When we came near
+and realized the state of the case, we could not tell what to do; it was
+impossible to sail between the trees, which were so close as to touch one
+another, and we did not like the thought of turning back. I climbed the
+tallest tree to get a good view, and found that the wood was five or six
+miles across, and was succeeded by open water. So we determined to hoist
+the ship on to the top of the foliage, which was very dense, and get her
+across to the other sea, if possible. It proved to be so. We attached a
+strong cable, got up on the tree-tops, and hauled her after us with some
+difficulty; then we laid her on the branches, hoisted sail, and floating
+thus were propelled by the wind. A line of Antimachus came into my head:
+
+  And as they voyaged thus the woodland through--
+
+Well, we made our way over and reached the water, into which we let her
+down in the same way. We then sailed through clear transparent sea, till
+we found ourselves on the edge of a great gorge which divided water from
+water, like the land fissures which are often produced by earthquakes. We
+got the sails down and brought her to just in time to escape making the
+plunge. We could bend over and see an awful mysterious gulf perhaps a
+hundred miles deep, the water standing wall against wall. A glance round
+showed us not far off to the right a water bridge which spanned the
+chasm, and gave a moving surface crossing from one sea to the other. We
+got out the sweeps, pulled her to the bridge, and with great exertions
+effected that astonishing passage.
+
+There followed a sail through smooth water, and then a small island, easy
+of approach, and inhabited; its occupants were the Ox-heads, savage men
+with horns, after the fashion of our poets' Minotaur. We landed and went
+in search of water and provisions, of which we were now in want. The
+water we found easily, but nothing else; we heard, however, not far off,
+a numerous lowing; supposing it to indicate a herd of cows, we went a
+little way towards it, and came upon these men. They gave chase as soon
+as they saw us, and seized three of my comrades, the rest of us getting
+off to sea. We then armed--for we would not leave our friends unavenged--
+and in full force fell on the Ox-heads as they were dividing our
+slaughtered men's flesh. Our combined shout put them to flight, and in
+the pursuit we killed about fifty, took two alive, and returned with our
+captives. We had found nothing to eat; the general opinion was for
+slaughtering the prisoners; but I refused to accede to this, and kept
+them in bonds till an embassy came from the Ox-heads to ransom them; so
+we understood the motions they made, and their tearful supplicatory
+lowings. The ransom consisted of a quantity of cheese, dried fish,
+onions, and four deer; these were three-footed, the two forefeet being
+joined into one. In exchange for all this we restored the prisoners, and
+after one day's further stay departed.
+
+By this time we were beginning to observe fish, birds on the wing, and
+other signs of land not far off; and we shortly saw men, practising a
+mode of navigation new to us; for they were boat and crew in one. The
+method was this: they float on their backs, erect a sail, and then,
+holding the sheets with their hands, catch the wind. These were succeeded
+by others who sat on corks, to which were harnessed pairs of dolphins,
+driven with reins. They neither attacked nor avoided us, but drove along
+in all confidence and peace, admiring the shape of our craft and
+examining it all round.
+
+That evening we touched at an island of no great size. It was occupied by
+what we took for women, talking Greek. They came and greeted us with
+kisses, were attired like courtesans, all young and fair, and with long
+robes sweeping the ground. Cabbalusa was the name of the island, and
+Hydramardia the city's. These women paired off with us and led the way to
+their separate homes. I myself tarried a little, under the influence of
+some presentiment, and looking more closely observed quantities of human
+bones and skulls lying about. I did not care to raise an alarm, gather my
+men, and resort to arms; instead, I drew out my mallow, and prayed
+earnestly to it for escape from our perilous position. Shortly after, as
+my hostess was serving me, I saw that in place of human feet she had
+ass's hoofs; whereupon I drew my sword, seized, bound, and closely
+questioned her. Reluctantly enough she had to confess; they were sea-
+women called Ass-shanks, and their food was travellers. 'When we have
+made them drunk,' she said, 'and gone to rest with them, we overpower
+them in their sleep.' After this confession I left her there bound, went
+up on to the roof, and shouted for my comrades. When they appeared, I
+repeated it all to them, showed them the bones, and brought them in to
+see my prisoner; she at once vanished, turning to water; however, I
+thrust my sword into this experimentally, upon which the water became
+blood.
+
+Then we marched hurriedly down to our ship and sailed away. With the
+first glimmering of dawn we made out a mainland, which we took for the
+continent that faces our own. We reverently saluted it, made prayer, and
+held counsel upon our best course. Some were for merely landing and
+turning back at once, others for leaving the ship, and going into the
+interior to make trial of the inhabitants. But while we were
+deliberating, a great storm arose, which dashed us, a complete wreck, on
+the shore. We managed to swim to land, each snatching up his arms and
+anything else he could.
+
+Such are the adventures that befell me up to our arrival at that other
+continent: our sea-voyage; our cruise among the islands and in the air;
+then our experiences in and after the whale; with the Heroes; with the
+dreams; and finally with the Ox-heads and the Ass-shanks. Our fortunes on
+the continent will be the subject of the following books.
+
+
+
+
+THE TYRANNICIDE
+
+_A man forces his way into the stronghold of a tyrant, with the
+intention of killing him. Not finding the tyrant himself, he kills his
+son, and leaves the sword sticking in his body. The tyrant, coming, and
+finding his son dead, slays himself with the same sword.--The assailant
+now claims that the killing of the son entitles him to the reward of
+tyrannicide._
+
+
+Two tyrants--a father advanced in years, a son in the prime of life,
+waiting only to step into his nefarious heritage--have fallen by my hand
+on a single day: I come before this court, claiming but one reward for my
+twofold service. My case is unique. With one blow I have rid you of two
+monsters: with my sword I slew the son; grief for the son slew the
+father. The misdeeds of the tyrant are sufficiently punished: he has
+lived to see his son perish untimely; and--wondrous sequel!--the tyrant's
+own hand has freed us from tyranny. I slew the son, and used his death to
+slay another: in his life he shared the iniquities of his father; in his
+death, so far as in him lay, he was a parricide. Mine is the hand that
+freed you, mine the sword that accomplished all: as to the order and
+manner of procedure, there, indeed, I have deviated from the common
+practice of tyrannicides: I slew the son, who had strength to resist me,
+and left my sword to deal with the aged father. In acting thus, I had
+thought to increase your obligation to me; a twofold deliverance--I had
+supposed--would entitle me to a twofold reward; for I have freed you not
+from tyranny alone, but from the fear of tyranny, and by removing the
+heir of iniquity have made your salvation sure. And now it seems that my
+services are to go for nothing; I, the preserver of the constitution, am
+to forgo the recompense prescribed by its laws. It is surely from no
+patriotic motive, as he asserts, that my adversary disputes my claim;
+rather it is from grief at the loss of the tyrants, and a desire to
+avenge their death.
+
+Bear with me, gentlemen, for a little, while I dwell in some detail upon
+those evils of tyranny with which you are only too familiar; I shall thus
+enable you to realize the extent of my services, and to enjoy the
+contemplation of sufferings from which you have escaped. Ours was not the
+common experience: we had not _one_ tyranny, _one_ servitude to
+endure, we were not subjected to the caprice of a single master. Other
+cities have had their tyrant: it was reserved for us to have two tyrants
+at once, to groan beneath a double oppression. That of the old man was
+light by comparison, his anger mildness, his resentment long-suffering;
+age had blunted his passions, checked their headlong impetus, and curbed
+the lust of pleasure. His crimes, so it is said, were involuntary;
+resulting from no tyrannical disposition in himself, but from the
+instigations of his son. For in him paternal affection had too clearly
+become a mania; his son was all in all to him; he did his bidding,
+committed every crime at his pleasure, dealt out punishment at his
+command, was subservient to him in all things; the minister of a tyrant's
+caprice, and that tyrant his son. The young man left him in possession of
+the name and semblance of rule; so much he conceded to his years: but in
+all essentials _he_ was the real tyrant. By him the power of the
+tyrant was upheld; by him and by him alone the fruits of tyranny were
+gathered. He it was who maintained the garrison, intimidated the victims
+of oppression, and butchered those who meditated resistance; who laid
+violent hands on boys and maidens, and trampled on the sanctity of
+marriage. Murder, banishment, confiscation, torture, brutality; all
+bespeak the wantonness of youth. The father followed his son's lead, and
+had no word of blame for the crimes in which he participated. Our
+situation became unbearable: for when the promptings of passion draw
+support from the authority of rule, then iniquity knows no further
+bounds.
+
+We knew moreover (and here was the bitterest thought of all) that our
+servitude must endure--ay, endure for ever; that our city was doomed to
+pass in unending succession from master to master, to be the heritage of
+the oppressor. To others it is no small consolation that they may count
+the days, and say in their hearts: 'The end will be soon; he will die,
+and we shall be free.' We had no such hope: there stood the heir of
+tyranny before our eyes. There were others--men of spirit--who cherished
+like designs with myself; yet all lacked resolution to strike the blow;
+freedom was despaired of; to contend against a succession of tyrants
+seemed a hopeless task.
+
+Yet I was not deterred. I had reckoned the difficulties of my
+undertaking, and shrank not back, but faced the danger. Alone, I issued
+forth to cope with tyranny in all its might. Alone, did I say? nay, not
+alone; I had my sword for company, my ally and partner in tyrannicide. I
+saw what the end was like to be: and, seeing it, resolved to purchase
+your freedom with my blood. I grappled with the outer watch, with
+difficulty routed the guards, slew all I met, broke down all resistance,
+--and so to the fountain-head, the well-spring of tyranny, the source of
+all our calamities; within his stronghold I found him, and there slew him
+with many wounds, fighting valiantly for his life.
+
+From that moment, my end was gained: tyranny was destroyed; we were free
+men. There remained the aged father, alone, unarmed, desolate; his guards
+scattered, his strong protector slain; no adversary this for a brave man.
+And now I debated within myself: 'My work is done, my aim achieved, all
+is as I would have it. And how shall this remnant of tyranny be punished?
+He is unworthy of the hand that shed that other blood: the glory of a
+noble enterprise shall not be so denied. No, let some other executioner
+be found. It were too much happiness for him to die, and never know the
+worst; let him see all, for his punishment, and let the sword be ready to
+his hand; to that sword I leave the rest.' In this design I withdrew; and
+the sword--as I had foreseen--did its office, slew the tyrant, and put
+the finishing touch to my work. And now I come to you, bringing democracy
+with me, and call upon all men to take heart, and hear the glad tidings
+of liberty. Enjoy the work of my hands! You see the citadel cleared of
+the oppressors; you are under no man's orders; the law holds its course;
+honours are awarded, judgements given, pleadings heard. And all springs
+from one bold stroke, from the slaying of that son whom his father might
+not survive. I claim from you the recompense that is my due; and that in
+no paltry, grasping spirit; it was not for a wage's sake that I sought to
+serve my country; but I would have my deed confirmed by your award; I
+would not be disparaged by slanderous tongues, as one who attempted and
+failed, and was deemed unworthy of honour.
+
+My adversary tells me that I am unreasonable in asking for reward and
+distinction. I did not slay the tyrant; I have not fulfilled the
+requirements of the statute; there is a flaw in my claim.--And what more
+does he want of me? Say: did I flinch? did I not ascend into the citadel?
+did I not slay? are we not free men? have we a master? do we hear a
+tyrant's threats? did any of the evil-doers escape me?--No; all is peace;
+the laws are in force; freedom is assured; democracy is established; our
+wives, our daughters are unmolested, our sons are safe; the city keeps
+festival in the general joy. And who is the cause of it all? who has
+wrought the change? Has any man a prior claim? Then I withdraw; be his
+the honour and the reward. But if not--if mine was the deed, mine the
+risk, mine the courage to ascend and smite and punish, dealing vengeance
+on the father through the son--then why depreciate my services? why seek
+to deprive me of a people's gratitude?
+
+'But you did not kill the _tyrant_; the law assigns the reward to
+him who kills the tyrant.' And pray what is the difference between
+killing him and causing his death? I see none. The law-giver had but one
+end in view,--freedom, equality, deliverance from oppression. This was
+the signal service that he deemed worthy of recompense; and this service
+you cannot deny that I have rendered. In slaying one whom the tyrant
+could not survive, I myself wrought the tyrant's death. His was the hand:
+the deed was mine. Let us not chop logic as to the manner and
+circumstances of his death, but rather ask: has he ceased to exist, and
+am I the cause? Your scruples might go further, and object to some future
+deliverer of his country, that he struck not with the sword, but with a
+stick or a stone or the like. Had I blockaded the tyrant, and brought
+about his death by starvation, you would still, I suppose, have objected
+that it was not the work of my own hand? Again there would have been a
+flaw in my claim? The increased bitterness of such a death would have
+counted for nothing with you? Confine your attention to this one
+question: does any of our oppressors survive? is there any ground for
+anxiety, any vestige of our past misery? If not, if all is peace, then
+none but an envious detractor would attempt to deprive me of the reward
+of my labours by inquiring into the means employed.
+
+Moreover, it is laid down in our laws (unless after all these years of
+servitude my memory plays me false) that blood-guiltiness is of two
+kinds. A man may slay another with his own hand, or, without slaying him,
+he may put death unavoidably in his way; in the latter case the penalty
+is the same as in the former; and rightly, it being the intention of the
+law that the cause should rank with the act itself; the manner in which
+death is brought about is not the question. You would not acquit a man
+who in this sense had slain another; you would punish him as a murderer:
+how then can you refuse to reward as a benefactor the man who, by parity
+of reasoning, has shown himself to be the liberator of his country?
+
+Nor again can it be objected that all I did was to strike the blow, and
+that the resulting benefits were accidental, and formed no part of my
+design. What had I to fear, when once the stronger of our oppressors was
+slain? And why did I leave my sword in the wound, if not because I
+foresaw the very thing that would happen? Are you prepared to deny that
+the death so occasioned was that of a tyrant both in name and in fact,
+or that his death was an event for which the state would gladly pay an
+abundant reward? I think not. If then the tyrant is slain, how can you
+withhold the reward from him who occasioned his death? What
+scrupulousness is this--to concern yourself with the manner of his end,
+while you are enjoying the freedom that results from it? Democracy is
+restored: what more can you demand from him who restored it? You refer us
+to the terms of the law: well, the law looks only at the end; of the
+means it says nothing; it has no concern with them. Has not the reward of
+tyrannicide been paid before now to him who merely expelled a tyrant? And
+rightly so: for he too has made free men of slaves. But I have done more:
+banishment may be followed by restitution: but here the family of tyrants
+is utterly annihilated and destroyed; the evil thing is exterminated,
+root and branch.
+
+I implore you, gentlemen, to review my conduct from beginning to end, and
+see whether there has been any such omission on my part as to make my act
+appear less than tyrannicide in the eye of the law. The high patriotic
+resolve which prompts a man to face danger for the common good, and to
+purchase the salvation of his country at the price of his own life; this
+is the first requirement. Have I been wanting here? Have I lacked
+courage? Have I shrunk back at the prospect of the dangers through which
+I must pass? My enemy cannot say it of me. Now at this stage let us
+pause. Consider only the intention, the design, apart from its success;
+and suppose that I come before you to claim the reward of patriotism
+merely on the ground of my resolve. I have failed, and another, following
+in my footsteps, has slain the tyrant. Say, is it unreasonable in such a
+case to allow my claim? 'Gentlemen,' I might say, 'the will, the
+intention, was mine; I made the attempt, I did what I could; my resolve
+entitles me of itself to your reward.' What would my enemy say to that?
+
+But in fact my case stands far otherwise. I mounted into the stronghold,
+I faced danger, I had innumerable difficulties to contend with, before I
+slew the son. Think not that it was a light or easy matter, to make my
+way past the watch, and single-handed to overcome one body of guards
+after another and put them to flight: herein is perhaps the greatest
+difficulty with which the tyrannicide has to contend. It is no such great
+matter to bring the tyrant to bay, and dispatch him. Once overcome the
+guards that surround him, and success is ensured; little remains to be
+done. I could not make my way to the tyrants till I had mastered every
+one of their satellites and bodyguards: each of those preliminary
+victories had to be won. Once more I pause, and consider my situation. I
+have got the better of the guards; I am master of the garrison; I present
+you the tyrant stripped, unarmed, defenceless. May I claim some credit
+for this, or do you still require his blood? Well, if blood you must
+have, that too is not wanting; my hands are not unstained; the glorious
+deed is accomplished; the youthful tyrant, the terror of all men, his
+father's sole security and protection, the equivalent of many bodyguards,
+is slain in the prime of his strength. Have I not earned my reward? Am I
+to have no credit for all that is done? What if I had killed one of his
+guards, some underling, some favourite domestic? Would it not have been
+thought a great thing, to go up and dispatch the tyrant's friend within
+his own walls, in the midst of his armed attendants? But who _was_
+my victim? The tyrant's son, himself a more grievous tyrant than his
+father, more cruel in his punishments, more violent in his excesses; a
+pitiless master; one, above all, whose succession to the supreme power
+promised a long continuance of our miseries. Shall I concede that this is
+the sum of my achievements? Shall we put it, that the tyrant has escaped,
+and lives? Still I claim my recompense. What say you, gentlemen? do you
+withhold it? The son, perhaps, caused you no uneasiness; he was no
+despot, no grievous oppressor?
+
+And now for the final stroke. All that my adversary demands of me, I have
+performed; and that in the most effectual manner. I slew the tyrant when
+I slew his son; slew him not with a single blow--he could have asked no
+easier expiation of his guilt than that--but with prolonged torment. I
+showed him his beloved lying in the dust, in pitiable case, weltering in
+blood. And what if he were a villain? he was still his son, still the old
+man's likeness in the pride of youth. These are the wounds that fathers
+feel; this the tyrannicide's sword of justice; this the death, the
+vengeance, that befits cruelty and oppression. The tyrant who dies in a
+moment, and knows not his loss, and sees not such sights as these, dies
+unpunished. I knew--we all knew--his affection for his son; knew that not
+for one day would he survive his loss. Other fathers may be devoted to
+their sons: his devotion was something more than theirs. How should it be
+otherwise? In him, and in him alone, the father saw the zealous guardian
+of his lawless rule, the champion of his old age, the sole prop of
+tyranny. If grief did not kill him on the spot, despair, I knew, must do
+so; there could be no further joy in life for him when his protector was
+slain. Nature, grief, despair, foreboding, terror,--these were my allies;
+with these I hemmed him in, and drove him to his last desperate resolve.
+Know that your oppressor died childless, heartbroken, weeping, groaning
+in spirit; the time of his mourning was short, but it was a father
+mourning for his son; he died by his own hand, bitterest, most awful of
+deaths; that death comes lightly, by comparison, which is dealt by
+another.
+
+Where is my sword?
+
+Does any one else know anything of this sword? Does any one claim it? Who
+took it up into the citadel? The tyrant used this sword. Who had it
+before him? Who put it in his way?--Sword, fellow labourer, partner of my
+enterprise,--we have faced danger and shed blood to no purpose. We are
+slighted. Men say that we have not earned our reward.
+
+Suppose that I had advanced a claim solely on my sword's behalf: suppose
+that I had said to you: 'Gentlemen, the tyrant had resolved to slay
+himself, but was without a weapon at the moment, when this sword of mine
+supplied his need, and thereby played its part in our deliverance.'
+Should you not have considered that the owner of a weapon so public-
+spirited was entitled to honour and reward? Should you not have
+recompensed him, and inscribed his name among those of your benefactors;
+consecrated his sword, and worshipped it as a God?
+
+Now consider how the tyrant may be supposed to have acted and spoken as
+his end approached.--His son lies mortally wounded at my hand; the wounds
+are many, and are exposed to view, that so the father's heart may be torn
+asunder at the very first sight of him. He cries out piteously to his
+father, not for help--he knows the old man's feebleness--, but for
+sympathy in his sufferings. I meanwhile am making my way home: I have
+written in the last line of my tragedy, and now I leave the stage clear
+for the actor; there is the body, the sword, all that is necessary to
+complete the scene. The father enters. He beholds his son, his only son,
+gasping, blood-stained, weltering in gore; he sees the wounds--mortal
+wound upon wound--and exclaims: 'Son, we are slain, we are destroyed, we
+are stricken in the midst of our power. Where is the assassin? For what
+fate does he reserve me, who am dead already in thy death, O my son?
+Because I am old he fears me not, he withholds his vengeance, and would
+prolong my torment.' Then he looks for a sword; he has always gone
+unarmed himself, trusting all to his son. The sword is not wanting; it
+has been waiting for him all this time; I left it ready for the deed that
+was to follow. He draws it from the wound and speaks: 'Sword, that but a
+moment past hast slain me, complete thy work: comfort the stricken
+father, aid his aged hand; dispatch, slay, make an end of the tyrant and
+his grief. Would that I had met thee first, that my blood had been shed
+before his! I could but have died a tyrant's death, and should have left
+an avenger behind me. And now I die childless: I have not so much as a
+murderer at my need.' Even as he speaks, with trembling hand he plunges
+the sword into his breast: he is in haste to die; but that feeble hand
+lacks strength to do its dread office.
+
+Is he punished? Are these wounds? Is this death? A tyrant's death? Is
+there reward for this?
+
+The closing scene you have all witnessed: the son--no mean antagonist--
+prostrate in death; the father fallen upon him; blood mingling with
+blood, the drink-offering of Victory and Freedom; and in the midst my
+sword, that wrought all; judge by its presence there, whether the weapon
+was unworthy of its master, whether it did him faithful service. Had all
+been done by my hand, it had been little; the strangeness of the deed is
+its glory. The tyranny was overthrown by me, and no other; but many
+actors had their part to play in the drama. The first part was mine; the
+second was the son's; the third the tyrant's; and my sword was never
+absent from the stage.
+
+
+
+
+THE DISINHERITED
+
+_A disinherited son adopts the medical profession. His father going
+mad, and being given up by the other physicians, he treats him
+successfully, and is then reinstated in his rights. Subsequently his
+step-mother also goes mad; he is bidden to cure her, and, declaring his
+inability to do so, is once more disinherited._
+
+
+There is neither novelty nor strangeness, gentlemen of the jury, in my
+father's present proceedings. It is not the first time his passions have
+taken this direction; it has become an instinctive habit with him to pay
+a visit to this familiar court. Still, my unfortunate position has this
+much of novelty about it: the charge I have to meet is not personal, but
+professional; I am to be punished for the inability of Medicine to do my
+father's bidding. A curious demand, surely, that healing should be done
+to order, and depend not on the limits of one's art, but on the wishes of
+one's father. For my part, I should be only too glad to find drugs in the
+pharmacopoeia which could relieve not only disordered wits, but
+disordered tempers; then I might be serviceable to my father. As it is,
+he is completely cured of madness, but is worse-tempered than ever. The
+bitterest part of it is, he is sane enough in all other relations, and
+mad only where his healer is concerned. You see what my medical fee
+amounts to; I am again disinherited, cut off from my family once more, as
+though the sole purpose of my brief reinstatement had been the
+accentuation of my disgrace by repetition.
+
+When a thing is within the limits of possibility, I require no bidding; I
+came before I was summoned, to see what I could do in this case. But when
+there is absolutely no hope, I will not meddle. With this particular
+patient, such caution is especially incumbent upon me; how my father
+would treat me, if I tried and failed, I can judge by his disinheriting
+me when I refused to try. Gentlemen, I am sorry for my stepmother's
+illness--for she was an excellent woman; I am sorry for my father's
+distress thereat; I am most sorry of all that I should seem rebellious,
+and be unable to give the required service; but the disease is incurable,
+and my art is not omnipotent. I do not see the justice of disinheriting
+one who, when he cannot do a thing, refuses to undertake it.
+
+The present case throws a clear light upon the reasons for my first
+disinheriting. The allegations of those days I consider to have been
+disposed of by my subsequent life; and the present charges I shall do my
+best to clear away with a short account of my proceedings. Wilful and
+disobedient son that I am, a disgrace to my father, unworthy of my
+family, I thought proper to say very little indeed in answer to his long
+and vehement denunciations. Banished from my home, I reflected that I
+should find my most convincing plea, my best acquittal, in the life I
+then led, in practically illustrating the difference between my father's
+picture and the reality, in devotion to the worthiest pursuits and
+association with the most reputable company. But I had also a
+presentiment of what actually happened; it occurred to me even then that
+a perfectly sane father does not rage causelessly at his son, nor trump
+up false accusations against him. Persons were not wanting who detected
+incipient madness; it was the warning and precursor of a stroke which
+would fall before long--this unreasoning dislike, this harsh conduct,
+this fluent abuse, this malignant prosecution, all this violence,
+passion, and general ill temper. Yes, gentlemen, I saw that the time
+might come when Medicine would serve me well.
+
+I went abroad, attended lectures by the most famous foreign physicians,
+and by hard work and perseverance mastered my craft. Upon my return, I
+found that my father's madness had developed, and that he had been given
+up by the local doctors, who are not distinguished for insight, and are
+much to seek in accurate diagnosis. I did no more than a son's duty when
+I forgot and forgave the disinheritance, and visited him without waiting
+to be called in; I had in fact nothing to complain of that was properly
+his act; his errors were not his, but, as I have implied, those of his
+illness. I came unsummoned, then. But I did not treat him at once; that
+is not our custom, nor what our art enjoins upon us. What we are taught
+to do is first of all to ascertain whether the disease is curable or
+incurable--has it passed beyond our control? After that, if it is
+susceptible of treatment, we treat it, and do our very best to relieve
+the sufferer. But if we realize that the complaint has got the entire
+mastery, we have nothing to do with it at all. That is the tradition that
+has come down to us from the fathers of our art, who direct us not to
+attempt hopeless cases. Well, I found that there was yet hope for my
+father; the complaint had not gone too far; I watched him for a long
+time; formed my conclusions with scrupulous care; then, I commenced
+operations and exhibited my drugs without hesitation--though many of his
+friends were suspicious of my prescription, impugned the treatment, and
+took notes to be used against me.
+
+My step-mother was present, distressed and doubtful--the result not of
+any dislike to me, but of pure anxiety, based on her full knowledge of
+his sad condition; no one but her, who had lived with and nursed him,
+knew the worst. However, I never faltered; the symptoms would not lie to
+me, nor my art fail me; when the right moment came, I applied the
+treatment, in spite of the timidity of some of my friends, who were
+afraid of the scandal that might result from a failure; it would be said
+that the medicine was my vengeful retort to the disinheritance. To make a
+long story short, it was at once apparent that he had taken no harm; he
+was in his senses again, and aware of all that went on. The company were
+amazed; my step-mother thanked me, and every one could see that she was
+delighted both at my triumph and at her husband's recovery. He himself--
+to give credit where it is due--did not take time to consider, nor to ask
+advice, but, as soon as he heard the story, undid what he had done, made
+me his son again, hailed me as his preserver and benefactor, confessed
+that I had now given my proofs, and withdrew his previous charges. All
+this was delightful to the better, who were many, among his friends, but
+distasteful to the persons who enjoy a quarrel more than a
+reconciliation. I observed at the time that all were not equally pleased;
+there were changes of colour, uneasy glances, signs of mortification, in
+one quarter at least, which told of envy and hatred. With us, who had
+recovered each other, all was naturally affection and rejoicing.
+
+Quite a short time after, my step-mother's disorder commenced--a very
+terrible and unaccountable one, gentlemen of the jury. I observed it from
+its very beginning; it was no slight superficial case, this; it was a
+long-established but hitherto latent mental disease, which now burst out
+and forced its way into notice. There are many signs by which we know
+that madness is incurable--among them a strange one which I noticed in
+this case. Ordinary society has a soothing, alleviating effect; the
+patient forgets to be mad; but if he sees a doctor, or even hears one
+mentioned, he at once displays acute irritation--an infallible sign that
+he is far gone, incurable in fact. I was distressed to notice this
+symptom; my step-mother was a worthy person who deserved a better fate,
+and I was all compassion for her.
+
+But my father in his simplicity, knowing neither when nor how the trouble
+began, and quite unable to gauge its gravity, bade me cure her by the
+drugs that had cured him. His idea was that madness was to be nothing
+else but mad; the disease was the same, its effects the same, and it must
+admit of the same treatment. When I told him, as was perfectly true, that
+his wife was incurable, and confessed that the case was beyond me, he
+thought it an outrage, said I was refusing because I chose to, and
+treating the poor woman shamefully--in short, visited upon me the
+limitations of my art. Such ebullitions are common enough in distress; we
+all lose our tempers then with the people who tell us the truth. I must
+nevertheless defend myself and my profession, as well as I can, against
+his strictures.
+
+I will begin with some remarks upon the law under which I am to be
+disinherited; my father will please to observe that it is not quite so
+much now as before a matter for his absolute discretion. You will find,
+sir, that the author of the law has not conferred the right of disherison
+upon any father against any son upon any pretext. It is true he has armed
+fathers with this weapon; but he has also protected sons against its
+illegitimate use. That is the meaning of his insisting that the procedure
+shall not be irresponsible and uncontrolled, but come under the legal
+cognizance of inspectors whose decision will be uninfluenced by passion
+or misrepresentation. He knew how often irritation is unreasonable, and
+what can be effected by a lying tale, a trusted slave, or a spiteful
+woman. He would not have the deed done without form of law; sons were not
+to be condemned unheard and out of hand; they are to have the ear of the
+court for so long by the clock, and there is to be adequate inquiry into
+the facts.
+
+My father's competence, then, being confined to preferring his
+complaints, and the decision whether they are reasonable or not resting
+with you, I shall be within my rights in requesting you to defer
+consideration of the grievance on which he bases the present suit, until
+you have determined whether a second disinheritance is admissible in the
+abstract. He has cast me off, has exercised his legal rights, enforced
+his parental powers to the full, and then restored me to my position as
+his son. Now it is iniquitous, I maintain, that fathers should have these
+unlimited penal powers, that disgrace should be multiplied, apprehension
+made perpetual, the law now chastize, now relent, now resume its
+severity, and justice be the shuttlecock of our fathers' caprices. It is
+quite proper for the law to humour, encourage, give effect to, _one_
+punitive impulse on the part of him who has begotten us; but if, after
+shooting his bolt, insisting on his right, indulging his wrath, he
+discovers our merits and takes us back, then he should be held to his
+decision, and not allowed to oscillate, waver, do and undo any more.
+Originally, he had no means of knowing whether his offspring would turn
+out well or ill; that is why parents who have decided to bring up
+children before they knew their nature are permitted to reject such as
+are found unworthy of their family.
+
+But when a man has taken his son back, not upon compulsion, but of his
+own motion and after inquiry, how can further chopping and changing be
+justified? What further occasion for the law? Its author might fairly say
+to you, sir: _If your son was vicious and deserved to be disinherited,
+what were you about to recall him? Why have him home again? Why suspend
+the law's operation? You were a free agent; you need not have done it.
+The laws are not your play-ground; you are not to put the courts in
+motion every time your mood varies; the laws are not to be suspended to-
+day and enforced to-morrow, with juries to look on at the proceedings, or
+rather to be the ministers of your whims, executioners or peace-makers
+according to your taste and fancy. The boy cost you one begetting, and
+one rearing; in return for which you may disinherit him, once, always
+provided you have reason to show for it. Disinheriting as a regular
+habit, a promiscuous pastime, is not included in the_ patria potestas.
+
+Gentlemen of the jury, I entreat you in Heaven's name not to permit him,
+after voluntarily reinstating me, reversing the previous decision, and
+renouncing his anger, to revive the old sentence and have recourse to the
+same paternal rights; the period of their validity is past and gone; his
+own act suffices to annul and exhaust their power. You know the general
+rule of the courts, that a party dissatisfied with the verdict of a
+ballot--provided jury is allowed an appeal to another court; but that is
+not so when the parties have agreed upon arbitrators, and, after such
+selection, put the matter in their hands. They had the choice, there, of
+not recognizing the court _ab initio_; if they nevertheless did so,
+they may fairly be expected to abide by its award. Similarly you, sir,
+had the choice of never taking back your son, if you thought him
+unworthy; having decided that he was worthy, and taken him back, you
+cannot be permitted to disinherit him anew; the evidence of his not
+deserving it is your own admission of his worth. It is only right that
+the reinstatement and reconciliation should be definitive, after such
+abundant investigation; there have been two trials, observe: the first,
+that in which you rejected me; the second, that in your own conscience,
+which reversed the decision of the other; the fact of reversal only adds
+force to the later result. Abide, then, by your second thoughts, and
+uphold your own verdict. You are to be my father; such was your
+determination, approved and ratified.
+
+Suppose I were not your begotten, but only your adopted son, I hold that
+you could not then have disinherited me; for what it is originally open
+to us not to do, we have no right, having done, to undo. But where there
+is both the natural tie, and that of deliberate choice, how can a second
+rejection, a repeated deprivation of the one relationship, be justified?
+Or again, suppose I had been a slave, and you had seen reason to put me
+in irons, and afterwards, convinced of my innocence, made me a free man;
+could you, upon an angry impulse, have enslaved me again? Assuredly not;
+the law makes these acts binding and irrevocable. Upon this contention,
+that the voluntary annulment of a disinheritance precludes a repetition
+of the act, I could enlarge further, but will not labour the point.
+
+You have next to consider the character of the man now to be
+disinherited. I lay no stress upon the fact that I was then nothing, and
+am now a physician; my art will not help me here. As little do I insist
+that I was then young, and am now middle-aged, with my years as a
+guarantee against misconduct; perhaps there is not much in that either.
+But, gentlemen, at the time of my previous expulsion, if I had never done
+my father any harm (as I should maintain), neither had I done him any
+good; whereas now I have recently been his preserver and benefactor;
+could there be worse ingratitude than so, and so soon, to requite me for
+saving him from that terrible fate? My care of him goes for nothing; it
+is lightly forgotten, and I am driven forth desolate--I, whose wrongs
+might have excused my rejoicing at his troubles, but who, so far from
+bearing malice, saved him and restored him to his senses.
+
+For, gentlemen, it is no ordinary slight kindness that he is choosing
+this way of repaying. You all know (though he may not realize) what he
+was capable of doing, what he had to endure, what his state was, in fact,
+during those bad days. The doctors had given him up, his relations had
+cleared away and dared not come near him; but I undertook his case and
+restored him to the power of--accusing me and going to law. Let me help
+your imagination, sir. You were very nearly in the state in which your
+wife now is, when I gave you back your understanding. It is surely not
+right that my reward for that should be this--that your understanding
+should be used against me alone. That it is no trifling kindness I have
+done you is apparent from the very nature of your accusation. The ground
+of your hatred is that she whom I do not cure is in extremities, is
+terribly afflicted; then, seeing that I relieved you of just such an
+affliction, there is surely better reason for you to love and be grateful
+to me for your own release from such horrors. But you are unconscionable
+enough to make the first employment of your restored faculties an
+indictment of me; you smite your healer, the ancient hate revives, and we
+have you reciting the same old law again. My art's handsome fee, the
+worthy payment for my drugs, is--your present manifestation of vigour!
+
+But you, gentlemen of the jury, will you allow him to punish his
+benefactor, drive away his preserver, pay for his wits with hatred, and
+for his recovery with chastisement? I hope better things of your justice.
+However flagrantly I had now been misconducting myself, I had a large
+balance of gratitude to draw upon. With that consideration in his memory,
+he need not have been extreme to mark what is now done amiss; it might
+have inspired him with ready indulgence, the more if the antecedent
+service was great enough to throw anything that might follow into the
+shade. That fairly states my relation to him; I preserved him; he owes
+his life absolutely to me; his existence, his sanity, his understanding,
+are my gifts, given, moreover, when all others despaired and confessed
+that the case was beyond their skill.
+
+The service that I did was the more meritorious, it seems to me, in that
+I was not at the time my father's son, nor under any obligation to
+undertake the case; I was independent of him, a mere stranger; the
+natural bond had been snapped. Yet I was not indifferent; I came as a
+volunteer, uninvited, at my own instance. I brought help, I persevered, I
+effected the cure, I restored him, thereby securing myself at once a
+father and an acquittal; I conquered anger with kindness, disarmed law
+with affection, purchased readmission to my family with important
+service, proved my filial loyalty at that critical moment, was adopted
+(or adopted myself, rather) on the recommendation of my art, while my
+conduct in trying circumstances proved me a son by blood also. For I had
+anxiety and fatigue enough in being always on the spot, ministering to my
+patient, watching for my opportunities, now humouring the disease when it
+gathered strength, now availing myself of a remission to combat it. Of
+all a physician's tasks the most hazardous is the care of patients like
+this, with the personal attendance it involves; for in their moments of
+exasperation they are apt to direct their fury upon any one they can come
+at. Yet I never shrank or hesitated; I was always there; I had a life-
+and-death struggle with the malady, and the final victory was with me and
+my drugs.
+
+Now I can fancy a person who hears all this objecting hastily, 'What a
+fuss about giving a man a dose of medicine!' But the fact is, there are
+many preliminaries to be gone through; the ground has to be prepared; the
+body must first be made susceptible to treatment; the patient's whole
+condition has to be studied; he must be purged, reduced, dieted, properly
+exercised, enabled to sleep, coaxed into tranquillity. Now other invalids
+will submit to all this; but mania robs its victims of self-control; they
+are restive and jib; their physicians are in danger, and treatment at a
+disadvantage. Constantly, when we are on the very point of success and
+full of hope, some slight hitch occurs, and a relapse takes place which
+undoes all in a moment, neutralizing our care and tripping up our art.
+
+Now, after my going through all this, after my wrestle with this
+formidable disease and my triumph over so elusive an ailment, is it still
+your intention to support him in disinheriting me? Shall he interpret the
+laws as he will against his benefactor? Will you look on while he makes
+war upon nature? I obey nature, gentlemen of the jury, in saving my
+father from death, and myself from the loss of him, unjust as he had
+been. He on the contrary defers to law (he calls it law) in ruining and
+cutting off from his kin the son who has obliged him. He is a cruel
+father, I a loving son. I own the authority of nature: he spurns and
+flings it from him. How misplaced is this paternal hate! How worse
+misplaced this filial love! For I must reproach myself--my father will
+have it so. And the reproach? That where I should hate (for I am hated),
+I love, and where I should love little, I love much. Yet surely nature
+requires of parents that they love their children more than of children
+that they love their parents. But he deliberately disregards both the
+law, which secures children their family rights during good behaviour,
+and nature, which inspires parents with fervent love for their offspring.
+Having greater incentives to affection, you might suppose that he would
+confer the fruits of it upon me in larger measure, or at the least
+reciprocate and emulate my love. Alas, far from it! he returns hate for
+love, persecution for devotion, wrong for service, disinheritance for
+respect; the laws which guard, he converts into means of assailing, the
+rights of children. Ah, my father, how do you force law into your service
+in this battle against nature!
+
+The facts, believe me, are not as you would have them. You are a bad
+exponent, sir, of good laws. In this matter of affection there is no war
+between law and nature; they hunt in couples, they work together for the
+remedying of wrongs. When you evil entreat your benefactor, you are
+wronging nature; now I ask, do you wrong the laws as well as nature? You
+do; it is their intention to be fair and just and give sons their rights;
+but you will not allow it; you hound them on again and again upon one
+child as though he were many; you keep them ever busy punishing, when
+their own desire is peace and goodwill between father and son. I need
+hardly add that, as against the innocent, they may be said to have no
+existence. But let me tell you, ingratitude also is an offence known to
+the law; an action will lie against a person who fails to recompense his
+benefactor. If he adds to such failure an attempt to punish, he has
+surely reached the uttermost limits of wrong in this sort. And now I
+think I have sufficiently established two points: first, my father has
+not the right, after once exerting his parental privilege and availing
+himself of the law, to disinherit me again; and secondly, it is on
+general grounds inadmissible to cast off and expel from his family one
+who has rendered service so invaluable.
+
+Let us next proceed to the actual reasons given for the disinheritance;
+let us inquire into the nature of the charge. We must first go back for a
+moment to the intention of the legislator. We will grant you for the sake
+of argument, sir, that it is open to you to disinherit as often as you
+please; we will further concede you this right against your benefactor;
+but I presume that disinheritance is not to be the beginning and the
+ending in itself; you will not resort to it, that is, without sufficient
+cause. The legislator's meaning is not that the father can disinherit,
+whatever his grievance may be, that nothing is required beyond the wish
+and a complaint; in that case, what is the court's function? No,
+gentlemen, it is your business to inquire whether the parental anger
+rests upon good and sufficient grounds. That is the question which I am
+now to put before you; and I will take up the story from the moment when
+sanity was restored.
+
+The first-fruits of this was the withdrawal of the disinheritance; I was
+preserver, benefactor, everything. So far my conduct is not open to
+exception, I take it. Well, and later on what fault has my father to
+find? What attention or filial duty did I omit? Did I stay out o' nights,
+sir? Do you charge me with untimely drinkings and revellings? Was I
+extravagant? Did I get into some disreputable brawl? Did any such
+complaint reach you? None whatever. Yet these are just the offences for
+which the law contemplates disherison. Ah, but my step-mother fell ill.
+Indeed, and do you make that a charge against me? Do you prefer a suit
+for ill health? I understand you to say no.
+
+What _is_ the grievance, then?-_That you refuse to treat her at my
+bidding, and for such disobedience to your father deserve to be
+disinherited_.--Gentlemen, I will explain presently how the nature of
+this demand results in a seeming disobedience, but a real inability.
+Meanwhile, I simply remark that neither the authority which the law
+confers on him, nor the obedience to which I am bound, is indiscriminate.
+Among orders, some have no sanction, while the disregard of others
+justifies anger and punishment. My father may be ill, and I neglect him;
+he may charge me with the management of his house, and I take no notice;
+he may tell me to look after his country estate, and I evade the task. In
+all these and similar cases, the parental censure will be well deserved.
+But other things again are for the sons to decide, as questions of
+professional skill or policy--especially if the father's interests are
+not touched. If a painter's father says to him, 'Paint this, my boy, and
+do not paint that'; or a musician's, 'Strike this note, and not the
+other'; or a bronze-founder's, 'Cast so-and-so'; would it be tolerable
+that the son should be disinherited for not taking such advice? Of course
+not.
+
+But the medical profession should be left still more to their own
+discretion than other artists, in proportion to the greater nobility of
+their aims and usefulness of their work; this art should have a special
+right of choosing its objects; this sacred occupation, taught straight
+from Heaven, and pursued by the wisest of men, should be secured against
+all compulsion, enslaved to no law, intimidated and penalized by no
+court, exposed to no votes or paternal threats or uninstructed passions.
+If I had told my father directly and expressly, 'I will not do it, I
+refuse the case, though I could treat it, I hold my art at no man's
+service but my own and yours, as far as others are concerned I am a
+layman'--if I had taken that position, where is the masterful despot who
+would have applied force and compelled me to practise against my will?
+The appropriate inducements are request and entreaty, not laws and
+browbeating and tribunals; the physician is to be persuaded, not
+commanded; he is to choose, not be terrorized; he is not to be haled to
+his patient, but to come with his consent and at his pleasure.
+Governments are wont to give physicians the public recognition of
+honours, precedence, immunities and privileges; and shall the art which
+has State immunities not be exempt from the _patria fotestas_?
+
+All this I was entitled to say simply as a professional man, even on the
+assumption that you had had me taught, and devoted much care and expense
+to my training, that this particular case had been within my competence,
+and I had yet declined it. But in fact you have to consider also how
+utterly unreasonable it is that you should not let me use at my own
+discretion my own acquisition. It was not as your son nor under your
+authority that I acquired this art; and yet it was for your advantage
+that I acquired it--you were the first to profit by it--, though you had
+contributed nothing to my training. Will you mention the fees you paid?
+How much did the stock of my surgery cost you? Not one penny. I was a
+pauper, I knew not where to turn for necessaries, and I owed my
+instruction to my teachers' charity. The provision my father made for my
+education was sorrow, desolation, distress, estrangement from my friends
+and banishment from my family. And do you then claim to have the use of
+my skill, the absolute control of what was acquired independently? You
+should be content with the previous service rendered to yourself, not
+under obligation, but of free will; for even on that occasion nothing
+could have been demanded of me on the score of gratitude.
+
+My kindness of the past is not to be my duty of the future; a voluntary
+favour is not to be turned into an obligation to take unwelcome orders;
+the principle is not to be established that he who once cures a man is
+bound to cure any number of others at his bidding ever after. That would
+be to appoint the patients we cure our absolute masters; _we_ should
+be paying _them_, and the fee would be slavish submission to their
+commands. Could anything be more absurd? Because you were ill, and I was
+at such pains to restore you, does that make you the owner of my art?
+
+All this I could have said, if the tasks he imposed upon me had been
+within my powers, and I had declined to accept all of them, or, on
+compulsion, any of them. But I now wish you to look further into their
+nature. 'You cured me of madness (says he); my wife is now mad and in the
+condition I was in (that of course is his idea); she has been given up as
+I was by the other doctors, but you have shown that nothing is too hard
+for you; very well, then, cure her too, and make an end of her illness.'
+Now, put like that, it sounds very reasonable, especially in the ears of
+a layman innocent of medical knowledge. But if you will listen to what I
+have to say for my art, you will find that there _are_ things too
+hard for us, that all ailments are not alike, that the same treatment and
+the same drugs will not always answer; and then you will understand what
+a difference there is between refusing and being unable. Pray bear with
+me while I generalize a little, without condemning my disquisition as
+pedantic, irrelevant, or ill-timed.
+
+To begin with, human bodies differ in nature and temperament; compounded
+as they admittedly are of the same elements, they are yet compounded in
+different proportions. I am not referring at present to sexual
+differences; the _male_ body is not the same or alike in different
+individuals; it differs in temperament and constitution; and from this it
+results that in different men diseases also differ both in character and
+in intensity; one man's body has recuperative power and is susceptible to
+treatment; another's is utterly crazy, open to every infection, and
+without vigour to resist disease. To suppose, then, that all fever, all
+consumption, lung-disease, or mania, being generically the same, will
+affect every subject in the same way, is what no sensible, thoughtful, or
+well-informed person would do; the same disease is easily curable in one
+man, and not in another. Why, sow the same wheat in various soils, and
+the results will vary. Let the soil be level, deep, well watered, well
+sunned, well aired, well ploughed, and the crop will be rich, fat,
+plentiful. Elevated stony ground will make a difference, no sun another
+difference, foothills another, and so on. Just so with disease; its soil
+makes it thrive and spread, or starves it. Now all this quite escapes my
+father; he makes no inquiries of this sort, but assumes that all mania in
+every body is the same, and to be treated accordingly.
+
+Besides such differences between males, it is obvious that the female
+body differs widely from the male both in the diseases it is subject to
+and in its capacity or non-capacity of recovery. The bracing effect of
+toil, exercise, and open air gives firmness and tone to the male; the
+female is soft and unstrung from its sheltered existence, and pale with
+anaemia, deficient caloric and excess of moisture. It is consequently, as
+compared with the male, open to infection, exposed to disease, unequal to
+vigorous treatment, and, in particular, liable to mania. With their
+emotional, mobile, excitable tendencies on the one hand, and their
+defective bodily strength on the other, women fall an easy prey to this
+affliction.
+
+It is quite unfair, then, to expect the physician to cure both sexes
+indifferently; we must recognize how far apart they are, their whole
+lives, pursuits, and habits, having been distinct from infancy. Do not
+talk of a mad person, then, but specify the sex; do not confound
+distinctions and force all cases under the supposed identical title of
+madness; keep separate what nature separates, and then examine the
+respective possibilities. I began this exposition with stating that the
+first thing we doctors look to is the nature and temperament of our
+patient's body: which of the humours predominates in it; is it full-
+blooded or the reverse; at, or past, its prime; big or little; fat or
+lean? When a man has satisfied himself upon these and other such points,
+his opinion, favourable or adverse, upon the prospects of recovery may be
+implicitly relied upon.
+
+It must be remembered too that madness itself has a thousand forms,
+numberless causes, and even some distinct names. Delusion, infatuation,
+frenzy, lunacy--these are not the same; they all express different
+degrees of the affection. Again, the causes are not only different in men
+and women, but, in men, they are different for the old and for the young;
+for instance, in young men some redundant humour is the usual cause;
+whereas with the old a shrewdly timed slander, or very likely a fancied
+domestic slight, will get hold of them, first cloud their understanding,
+and finally drive them distracted. As for women, all sorts of things
+effect a lodgement and make easy prey of them, especially bitter dislike,
+envy of a prosperous rival, pain or anger. These feelings smoulder on,
+gaining strength with time, till at last they burst out in madness.
+
+Such, sir, has been your wife's case, perhaps with the addition of some
+recent trouble; for she used to have no strong dislikes, yet she is now
+in the grasp of the malady--and that beyond hope of medical relief. For
+if any physician undertakes and cures the case, you have my permission to
+hate me for the wrong I have done you. Yet I must go so far as to say
+that, even had the case not been so desperate--had there been a glimmer
+of hope--even then I should not have lightly intervened, nor been very
+ready to administer drugs; I should have been afraid of what might
+happen, and of the sort of stories that might get about. You know the
+universal belief that every step-mother, whatever her general merits,
+hates her step-sons; it is supposed to be a feminine mania from which
+none of them is exempt. If the disease had taken a wrong turn, and the
+medicine failed of its effect, there would very likely have been
+suspicions of intentional malpractice.
+
+Your wife's condition, sir--and I describe it to you after close
+observation--, is this: she will never mend, though she take ten thousand
+doses of medicine. It is therefore undesirable to make the experiment,
+unless your object is merely to compel me to fail and cover me with
+disgrace. Pray do not enable my professional brethren to triumph over me;
+their jealousy is enough. If you disinherit me again, I shall be left
+desolate, but I shall pray for no evil upon your head. But suppose--
+though God forbid!--suppose your malady should return; relapses are
+common enough in such cases, under irritation; what is my course then to
+be? Doubt not, I shall restore you once more; I shall not desert the post
+which nature assigns to children; I for my part shall not forget my
+descent. And then if you recover, must I look for another restitution?
+You understand me? your present proceedings are calculated to awake your
+disease and stir it to renewed malignancy. It is but the other day that
+you emerged from your sad condition, and you are vehement and loud--worst
+of all, you are full of anger, indulging your hatred and appealing once
+more to the law. Alas, father, even such was the prelude to your first
+madness.
+
+
+
+
+PHALARIS, I
+
+
+We are sent to you, Priests of Delphi, by Phalaris our master, with
+instructions to present this bull to the God, and to speak the necessary
+words on behalf of the offering and its donor. Such being our errand, it
+remains for us to deliver his message, which is as follows:
+
+'It is my desire above all things, men of Delphi, to appear to the Greeks
+as I really am, and not in that character in which Envy and Malice,
+availing themselves of the ignorance of their hearers, have represented
+me: and if to the Greeks in general, then most of all to you, who are
+holy men, associates of the God, sharers (I had almost said) of his
+hearth and home. If I can clear myself before you, if I can convince you
+that I am not the cruel tyrant I am supposed to be, then I may consider
+myself cleared in the eyes of all the world. For the truth of my
+statements, I appeal to the testimony of the God himself. Methinks
+_he_ is not likely to be deceived by lying words. It may be an easy
+matter to mislead men: but to escape the penetration of a God--and that
+God Apollo--is impossible.
+
+'I was a man of no mean family; in birth, in breeding, in education, the
+equal of any man in Agrigentum. In my political conduct I was ever
+public-spirited, in my private life mild and unassuming; no unseemly act,
+no deed of violence, oppression, or headstrong insolence was ever laid to
+my charge in those early days. But our city at that time was divided into
+factions: I saw myself exposed to the plots of my political opponents,
+who sought to destroy me by every means: if I would live in security, if
+I would preserve the city from destruction, there was but one course open
+to me--to seize upon the government, and thereby baffle my opponents, put
+an end to their machinations, and bring my countrymen to their senses.
+There were not a few who approved my design: patriots and men of cool
+judgement, they understood my sentiments, and saw that I had no
+alternative. With their help, I succeeded without difficulty in my
+enterprise.
+
+'From that moment, the disturbances ceased. My opponents, became my
+subjects, I their ruler; and the city was freed from dissension. From
+executions and banishments and confiscations I abstained, even in the
+case of those who had plotted against my life. Such strong measures are
+indeed never more necessary than at the commencement of a new rule: but I
+was sanguine; I proposed to treat them as my equals, and to win their
+allegiance by clemency, mildness, and humanity. My first act was to
+reconcile myself with my enemies, most of whom I invited to my table and
+took into my confidence.
+
+'I found the city in a ruinous condition, owing to the neglect of the
+magistrates, who had commonly been guilty of embezzlement, if not of
+wholesale plunder. I repaired the evil by means of aqueducts, beautified
+the city with noble buildings, and surrounded it with walls. The public
+revenues were easily increased by proper attention on the part of the
+fiscal authorities. I provided for the education of the young and the
+maintenance of the old; and for the general public I had games and
+spectacles, banquets and doles. As for rape and seduction, tyrannical
+violence or intimidation, I abhorred the very name of such things.
+
+'I now began to think of laying down my power; and how to do so with
+safety was my only concern. The cares of government and public business
+had begun to weigh upon me; I found my position as burdensome as it was
+invidious. But it was still a question, how to render the city
+independent of such assistance for the future. And whilst I--honest man!
+--was busied with such thoughts, my enemies were even then combining
+against me, and debating the ways and means of rebellion; conspiracies
+were forming, arms and money were being collected, neighbour states were
+invited to assist, embassies were on their way to Sparta and Athens. The
+torments that were in store for me, had I fallen into their hands, I
+afterwards learnt from their public confession under torture, from which
+it appeared that they had vowed to tear me limb from limb with their own
+hands. For my escape from such a fate, I have to thank the Gods, who
+unmasked the conspiracy; and, in particular, the God of Delphi, who sent
+dreams to warn me, and dispatched messengers with detailed information.
+
+'And now, men of Delphi, I would ask your advice. Imagine yourselves to-
+day in the perilous situation in which I then stood; and tell me what was
+my proper course. I had almost fallen unawares into the hands of my
+enemies, and was casting about for means of safety. Leave Delphi for a
+while, and transport yourselves in spirit to Agrigentum: behold the
+preparations of my enemies: listen to their threats; and say, what is
+your counsel? Shall I sit quietly on the brink of destruction, exercising
+clemency and long-suffering as heretofore? bare my throat to the sword?
+see my nearest and dearest slaughtered before my eyes? What would this be
+but sheer imbecility? Shall I not rather bear myself like a man of
+spirit, give the rein to my rational indignation, avenge my injuries upon
+the conspirators, and use my present power with a view to my future
+security? This, I know, would have been your advice.
+
+'Now observe my procedure. I sent for the guilty persons, heard their
+defence, produced my evidence, established every point beyond a doubt;
+and when they themselves admitted the truth of the accusation, I punished
+them; for I took it ill, not that they had plotted against my life, but
+that on their account I was compelled to abandon my original policy. From
+that day to this, I have consulted my own safety by punishing conspiracy
+as often as it has shown itself.
+
+'And men call me cruel! They do not stop to ask who was the aggressor;
+they condemn what they think the cruelty of my vengeance, but pass
+lightly over the provocation, and the nature of the crime. It is as if a
+man were to see a temple-robber hurled from the rock at Delphi, and,
+without reflecting how the transgressor had stolen into your temple by
+night, torn down the votive-offerings, and laid hands upon the graven
+image of the God, were to exclaim against the inhumanity of persons who,
+calling themselves Greeks and holy men, could yet find it in them to
+inflict this awful punishment upon their fellow Greek, and that within
+sight of the holy place;--for the rock, as I am told, is not far from the
+city. Surely you would laugh to scorn such an accusation as this; and
+your _cruel_ treatment of the impious would be universally applauded.
+
+'But so it is: the public does not inquire into the character of a ruler,
+into the justice or injustice of his conduct; the mere name of tyranny
+ensures men's hatred; the tyrant might be an Aeacus, a Minos, a
+Rhadamanthus,--they would be none the less eager for his destruction;
+their thoughts ever run on those tyrants who have been bad rulers, and
+the good, because they bear the same name, are held in the like
+detestation. I have heard that many of your tyrants in Greece have been
+wise men, who, labouring under that opprobrious title, have yet given
+proofs of benevolence and humanity, and whose pithy maxims are even now
+stored up in your temple among the treasures of the God.
+
+'Observe, moreover, the prominence given to punishment by all
+constitutional legislators; they know that when the fear of punishment is
+wanting, nothing else is of avail. And this is doubly so with us who are
+tyrants; whose power is based upon compulsion; who live in the midst of
+enmity and treachery. The bugbear terrors of the law would never serve
+our turn. Rebellion is a many-headed Hydra: we cut off one guilty head,
+two others grow in its place. Yet we must harden our hearts, smite them
+off as they grow, and--like lolaus--sear the wounds; thus only shall we
+hold our own. The man who has once become involved in such a strife as
+this must play the part that he has undertaken; to show mercy would be
+fatal. Do you suppose that any man was ever so brutal, so inhuman, as to
+rejoice in torture and groans and bloodshed for their own sake, when
+there was no occasion for punishment? Many is the time that I have wept
+while others suffered beneath the lash, and groaned in spirit over the
+hard fate that subjected me to a torment more fierce and more abiding
+than theirs. For to the man who is benevolent by nature, and harsh only
+by compulsion, it is more painful to inflict punishment than it would be
+to undergo it.
+
+'Now I will speak my mind frankly. If I had to choose between punishing
+innocent men, and facing death myself, believe me, I should have no
+hesitation in accepting the latter alternative. But if I am asked,
+whether I had rather die an undeserved death than give their deserts to
+those who plotted against my life, I answer no; and once more, Delphians,
+I appeal to you: which is better--to die when I deserve not death, or to
+spare my enemies who deserve not mercy? [Footnote: Apparently the speaker
+intended to repeat the last pair of alternatives in different words:
+instead of which, he gives us one of those alternatives twice over.
+Lucian's tautologic genius fails him for once.] No man surely can be such
+a fool that he would not rather live than preserve his enemies by his
+death. Yet in spite of this how many have I spared who were palpably
+convicted of conspiring against me; such were Acanthus, Timocrates, and
+his brother Leogoras, all of whom I saved out of regard for our former
+intercourse.
+
+'If you would learn more of me, apply to any of the strangers who have
+visited Agrigentum; and see what account they give of the treatment they
+received, and of my hospitality to all who land on my coasts. My
+messengers are waiting for them in every port, to inquire after their
+names and cities, that they may not go away without receiving due honour
+at my hands. Some--the wisest of the Greeks--have come expressly to visit
+me, so far are they from avoiding intercourse with me. It was but lately
+that I received a visit from the sage Pythagoras. The account that he had
+heard of me was belied by his experience; and on taking his departure he
+expressed admiration of my justice, and deplored the circumstances which
+made severity a duty. Now is it likely that one who is so benevolent to
+strangers should deal unjustly with his fellow citizens? is it not to be
+supposed that the provocation has been unusually great?
+
+'So much then in defence of my own conduct; I have spoken the words of
+truth and justice, and would persuade myself that I have merited your
+approbation rather than your resentment. And now I must explain to you
+the origin of my present offering, and the manner in which it came into
+my hands. For it was by no instructions of mine that the statuary made
+this bull: far be it from me to aspire to the possession of such works of
+art! A countryman of my own, one Perilaus, an admirable artist, but a man
+of evil disposition, had so far mistaken my character as to think that he
+could win my regard by the invention of a new form of torture; the love
+of torture, he thought, was my ruling passion. He it was who made the
+bull and brought it to me. I no sooner set eyes on this beautiful and
+exquisite piece of workmanship, which lacked only movement and sound to
+complete the illusion, than I exclaimed: "Here is an offering fit for the
+God of Delphi: to him I must send it." "And what will you say," rejoined
+Perilaus, who stood by, "when you see the ingenious mechanism within it,
+and learn the purpose it is designed to serve?" He opened the back of the
+animal, and continued: "When you are minded to punish any one, shut him
+up in this receptacle, apply these pipes to the nostrils of the bull, and
+order a fire to be kindled beneath. The occupant will shriek and roar in
+unremitting agony; and his cries will come to you through the pipes as
+the tenderest, most pathetic, most melodious of bellowings. Your victim
+will be punished, and you will enjoy the music."
+
+'His words revolted me. I loathed the thought of such ingenious cruelty,
+and resolved to punish the artificer in kind. "If this is anything more
+than an empty boast, Perilaus," I said to him, "if your art can really
+produce this effect, get inside yourself, and pretend to roar; and we
+will see whether the pipes will make such music as you describe." He
+consented; and when he was inside I closed the aperture, and ordered a
+fire to be kindled. "Receive," I cried, "the due reward of your wondrous
+art: let the music-master be the first to play." Thus did his ingenuity
+meet with its deserts. But lest the offering should be polluted by his
+death, I caused him to be removed while he was yet alive, and his body to
+be flung dishonoured from the cliffs. The bull, after due purification, I
+sent as an offering to your God, with an inscription upon it, setting
+forth all the circumstances; the names of the donor and of the artist,
+the evil design of the latter, and the righteous sentence which condemned
+him to illustrate by his own agonized shrieks the efficacy of his musical
+device.
+
+'And now, men of Delphi, you will be doing me no more than justice, if
+you join my ambassadors in making sacrifice on my behalf, and set up the
+bull in a conspicuous part of the temple; that all men may know what is
+my attitude towards evil-doers, and in what manner I chastise their
+inordinate craving after wickedness. Herein is a sufficient indication of
+my character: Perilaus punished, the bull consecrated, not reserved for
+the bellowings of other victims. The first and last melody that issued
+from those pipes was wrung from their artificer; that one experiment
+made, the harsh, inhuman notes are silenced for ever. So much for the
+present offering, which will be followed by many others, so soon as the
+God vouchsafes me a respite from my work of chastisement.'
+
+Such was the message of Phalaris; and his statement is in strict
+accordance with the facts. You may safely accept our testimony, as we are
+acquainted with the circumstances, and can have no object in deceiving
+you on the present occasion. Must entreaty be added? Then on behalf of
+one whose character has been misrepresented, and whose severities were
+forced upon him against his will, we implore you,--we who are
+Agrigentines, Greeks like yourselves and of Dorian origin--to accept his
+offer of friendship, and not to thwart his benevolent intentions towards
+your community and the individuals of which it is composed. Take the bull
+into your keeping; consecrate it; and offer up your prayers on behalf of
+Agrigentum and of Phalaris. Suffer us not to have come hither in vain:
+repulse not our master with scorn: nor deprive the God of an offering
+whose intrinsic beauty is only equalled by its righteous associations.
+
+
+
+
+PHALARIS, II
+
+
+Men of Delphi: I stand in no public relation to the city of Agrigentum,
+in no private relation to its ruler; I am bound to him neither by
+gratitude for past favours, nor by the prospect of future friendship: but
+I have heard the just and temperate plea advanced by his emissaries, and
+I rise to advocate the claims of religion, the interests of our
+community, the duties of the priesthood; I charge you, thwart not the
+pious intention of a mighty prince, nor deprive the God of an offering
+which in the intention of the donor is already his, and which is destined
+to serve as an eternal threefold record,--of the sculptor's art, of
+inventive cruelty, and of righteous retribution. To me it seems that only
+to have raised this question, only to have halted between acceptance and
+rejection, is in itself an offence against Heaven; nay, a glaring
+impiety. For what is this but a sacrilege more heinous than that of the
+temple-robber, who does but plunder those sacred things to which you
+would even deny consecration? I implore you,--your fellow priest, your
+partner in good report (if so it may be), or in evil (should that now
+befall us), implores you: close not the temple-doors upon the devout
+worshipper; suffer us not to be known to the world as men who examine
+jealously into the offerings that are brought, and subject the donor to
+the narrow scrutiny of a court, and to the hazard of a vote. For who
+would not be deterred at the thought that the God accepts no offering
+without the previous sanction of his priests?
+
+Already Apollo has declared his true opinion. Had he hated Phalaris, or
+scorned his gift, it had been easy for him to sink the gift and the ship
+that bore it in mid-ocean; instead, we learn that he vouchsafed them a
+calm passage and a safe arrival at Cirrha. Clearly the monarch's piety is
+acceptable in his sight. It behoves you to confirm his decision, and to
+add this bull to the glories of the temple. Strange indeed, if the sender
+of so magnificent a gift is to meet with rejection at the temple-door,
+and his piety to be rewarded with the judgement that his offering is
+unclean.
+
+My opponent tells a harrowing tale of butchery and violence, of plunder
+and abduction; it is much that he does not call himself an eyewitness
+thereof; we might suppose that he was but newly arrived from Agrigentum,
+did we not know that his travels have never carried him on board ship. In
+matters of this kind, it is not advisable to place much reliance even on
+the assertions of the supposed victims; there is no knowing how far they
+are speaking the truth;--as to bringing allegations ourselves, when we
+know nothing of the facts, that is out of the question. Granting even
+that something of the kind _did_ happen, it happened in Sicily: we
+are at Delphi; we are not called upon to interfere. Do we propose to
+abandon the temple for the law-court? Are we, whose office it is to
+sacrifice, and minister to the God, and receive his offerings,--are we to
+sit here debating whether certain cities on the other side of the Ionian
+sea are well or ill governed? Let other men's affairs be as they may, it
+is our business, as I take it, to know our own: our past history, our
+present situation, our best interests. We need not wait for Homer to
+inform us that we inhabit a land of crags, and are tillers of a rocky
+soil; our eyes tell us that; if we depended on our soil, we must go
+hungry all our days. Apollo; his temple; his oracle; his worshippers; his
+sacrifices;--these are the fields of the Delphians, these their revenues,
+their wealth, their maintenance. I can speak the truth here. It is as the
+poets say: we sow not, we plough not, yet all things grow for our use;
+for a God is our husbandman, and gives us not the good things of Greece
+only; all that Phrygia, all that Lydia, all that Persia, Assyria,
+Phoenicia, Italy, and the far North can yield,--all comes to Delphi. We
+live in prosperity and plenty; in the esteem of mankind we are second to
+none but the God himself. So it was in the beginning: so it is now: and
+so may it ever be!
+
+But who has ever heard before of our putting an offering to the vote, or
+hindering men from paying sacrifice? No one; and herein, as I maintain,
+is the secret of our temple's greatness, and of the abundant wealth of
+its offerings. Then let us have no innovations now, no new-fangled
+institutions, no inquiries into the origin and nature and nationality and
+pedigree of a gift; let us take what is brought to us, and set it in the
+store-chamber without more ado. In this way we shall best serve both the
+God and his worshippers. I think it would be well if, before you
+deliberate further on the question before you, you would consider how
+great and how various are the issues involved. There is the God, his
+temple, his sacrifices and offerings, the ancient customs and ordinances,
+the reputation of the oracle; again, our city as a whole, our common
+interests, and those of every individual Delphian among us; lastly--and I
+know not what consideration could seem of more vital importance to a
+well-judging mind--, our own credit or discredit with the world at large.
+
+I say, then, we have to deal not with Phalaris, not with a single tyrant,
+not with this bull, not with so much weight of bronze,--but with every
+king and prince who frequents our temple at this day; with gold and
+silver and all the precious offerings that should pour in upon the God;
+that God whose interests claim our first attention. Say, why should we
+change the old-established usage in regard to offerings? What fault have
+we to find with the ancient custom, that we should propose innovations?
+Never yet, from the day when Delphi was first inhabited, and Apollo
+prophesied, and the tripod gave utterance, and the priestess was
+inspired, never yet have the bringers of gifts been subjected to
+scrutiny. And shall they now? Consider how the ancient custom, which
+granted free access to all men, has filled the temple with treasures; how
+all men have brought their offerings, and how some have impoverished
+themselves to enrich the God. My mind misgives me that, when you have
+assumed the censorship of offerings, you will lack employment: men may
+refuse to submit themselves to your court; they may think it is enough to
+spend their money, without having to undergo the risk of a rejection for
+their pains. Would life be worth living, to the man who should be judged
+unworthy to offer sacrifice?
+
+
+
+
+ALEXANDER THE ORACLE-MONGER
+
+
+You, my dear Celsus, possibly suppose yourself to be laying upon me quite
+a trifling task: _Write me down in a book and send me the life and
+adventures, the tricks and frauds, of the impostor Alexander of
+Abonutichus_. In fact, however, it would take as long to do this in
+full detail as to reduce to writing the achievements of Alexander of
+Macedon; the one is among villains what the other is among heroes.
+Nevertheless, if you will promise to read with indulgence, and fill up
+the gaps in my tale from your imagination, I will essay the task. I may
+not cleanse that Augean stable completely, but I will do my best, and
+fetch you out a few loads as samples of the unspeakable filth that three
+thousand oxen could produce in many years.
+
+I confess to being a little ashamed both on your account and my own.
+There are you asking that the memory of an arch-scoundrel should be
+perpetuated in writing; here am I going seriously into an investigation
+of this sort--the doings of a person whose deserts entitled him not to be
+read about by the cultivated, but to be torn to pieces in the
+amphitheatre by apes or foxes, with a vast audience looking on. Well,
+well, if any one does cast reflections of that sort upon us, we shall at
+least have a precedent to plead. Arrian himself, disciple of Epictetus,
+distinguished Roman, and product of lifelong culture as he was, had just
+our experience, and shall make our defence. He condescended, that is, to
+put on record the life of the robber Tilliborus. The robber we propose to
+immortalize was of a far more pestilent kind, following his profession
+not in the forests and mountains, but in cities; _he_ was not content to
+overrun a Mysia or an Ida; _his_ booty came not from a few scantily
+populated districts of Asia; one may say that the scene of his
+depredations was the whole Roman Empire.
+
+I will begin with a picture of the man himself, as lifelike (though I am
+not great at description) as I can make it with nothing better than
+words. In person--not to forget that part of him--he was a fine handsome
+man with a real touch of divinity about him, white-skinned, moderately
+bearded; he wore besides his own hair artificial additions which matched
+it so cunningly that they were not generally detected. His eyes were
+piercing, and suggested inspiration, his voice at once sweet and
+sonorous. In fact there was no fault to be found with him in these
+respects.
+
+So much for externals. As for his mind and spirit--well, if all the kind
+Gods who avert disaster will grant a prayer, it shall be that they bring
+me not within reach of such a one as he; sooner will I face my bitterest
+enemies, my country's foes. In understanding, resource, acuteness, he was
+far above other men; curiosity, receptiveness, memory, scientific
+ability--all these were his in overflowing measure. But he used them for
+the worst purposes. Endowed with all these instruments of good, he very
+soon reached a proud pre-eminence among all who have been famous for
+evil; the Cercopes, Eurybatus, Phrynondas, Aristodemus, Sostratus--all
+thrown into the shade. In a letter to his father-in-law Rutilianus, which
+puts his own pretensions in a truly modest light, he compares himself to
+Pythagoras. Well, I should not like to offend the wise, the divine
+Pythagoras; but if he had been Alexander's contemporary, I am quite sure
+he would have been a mere child to him. Now by all that is admirable, do
+not take that for an insult to Pythagoras, nor suppose I would draw a
+parallel between their achievements. What I mean is: if any one would
+make a collection of all the vilest and most damaging slanders ever
+vented against Pythagoras--things whose truth I would not accept for a
+moment--, the sum of them would not come within measurable distance of
+Alexander's cleverness. You are to set your imagination to work and
+conceive a temperament curiously compounded of falsehood, trickery,
+perjury, cunning; it is versatile, audacious, adventurous, yet dogged in
+execution; it is plausible enough to inspire confidence; it can assume
+the mask of virtue, and seem to eschew what it most desires. I suppose no
+one ever left him after a first interview without the impression that
+this was the best and kindest of men, ay, and the simplest and most
+unsophisticated. Add to all this a certain greatness in his objects; he
+never made a small plan; his ideas were always large.
+
+While in the bloom of his youthful beauty, which we may assume to have
+been great both from its later remains and from the report of those who
+saw it, he traded quite shamelessly upon it. Among his other patrons was
+one of the charlatans who deal in magic and mystic incantations; they
+will smooth your course of love, confound your enemies, find you
+treasure, or secure you an inheritance. This person was struck with the
+lad's natural qualifications for apprenticeship to his trade, and finding
+him as much attracted by rascality as attractive in appearance, gave him
+a regular training as accomplice, satellite, and attendant. His own
+ostensible profession was medicine, and his knowledge included, like that
+of Thoon the Egyptian's wife,
+
+  Many a virtuous herb, and many a bane;
+
+to all which inheritance our friend succeeded. This teacher and lover of
+his was a native of Tyana, an associate of the great Apollonius, and
+acquainted with all his heroics. And now you know the atmosphere in which
+Alexander lived.
+
+By the time his beard had come, the Tyanean was dead, and he found
+himself in straits; for the personal attractions which might once have
+been a resource were diminished. He now formed great designs, which he
+imparted to a Byzantine chronicler of the strolling competitive order, a
+man of still worse character than himself, called, I believe, Cocconas.
+The pair went about living on occult pretensions, shearing 'fat-heads,'
+as they describe ordinary people in the native Magian lingo. Among these
+they got hold of a rich Macedonian woman; her youth was past, but not her
+desire for admiration; they got sufficient supplies out of her, and
+accompanied her from Bithynia to Macedonia. She came from Pella, which
+had been a flourishing place under the Macedonian kingdom, but has now a
+poor and much reduced population.
+
+There is here a breed of large serpents, so tame and gentle that women
+make pets of them, children take them to bed, they will let you tread on
+them, have no objection to being squeezed, and will draw milk from the
+breast like infants. To these facts is probably to be referred the common
+story about Olympias when she was with child of Alexander; it was
+doubtless one of these that was her bed-fellow. Well, the two saw these
+creatures, and bought the finest they could get for a few pence.
+
+And from this point, as Thucydides might say, the war takes its
+beginning. These ambitious scoundrels were quite devoid of scruples, and
+they had now joined forces; it could not escape their penetration that
+human life is under the absolute dominion of two mighty principles, fear
+and hope, and that any one who can make these serve his ends may be sure
+of a rapid fortune. They realized that, whether a man is most swayed by
+the one or by the other, what he must most depend upon and desire is a
+knowledge of futurity. So were to be explained the ancient wealth and
+fame of Delphi, Delos, Clarus, Branchidae; it was at the bidding of the
+two tyrants aforesaid that men thronged the temples, longed for fore-
+knowledge, and to attain it sacrificed their hecatombs or dedicated their
+golden ingots. All this they turned over and debated, and it issued in
+the resolve to establish an oracle. If it were successful, they looked
+for immediate wealth and prosperity; the result surpassed their most
+sanguine expectations.
+
+The next things to be settled were, first the theatre of operations, and
+secondly the plan of campaign. Cocconas favoured Chalcedon, as a
+mercantile centre convenient both for Thrace and Bithynia, and accessible
+enough for the province of Asia, Galatia, and tribes still further east.
+Alexander, on the other hand, preferred his native place, urging very
+truly that an enterprise like theirs required congenial soil to give it a
+start, in the shape of 'fat-heads' and simpletons; that was a fair
+description, he said, of the Paphlagonians beyond Abonutichus; they were
+mostly superstitious and well-to-do; one had only to go there with some
+one to play the flute, the tambourine, or the cymbals, set the proverbial
+mantic sieve [Footnote: I have no information on Coscinomancy or sieve-
+divination. 'This kind of divination was generally practised to discover
+thieves ... They tied a thread to the sieve, by which it was upheld, then
+prayed to the Gods to direct and assist them. After which they repeated
+the names of the person suspected, and he at whose name the sieve whirled
+round or moved was thought to have committed the fact' _Francklin's
+Lucian._] a-spinning, and there they would all be gaping as if he were
+a God from heaven.
+
+This difference of opinion did not last long, and Alexander prevailed.
+Discovering, however, that a use might after all be made of Chalcedon,
+they went there first, and in the temple of Apollo, the oldest in the
+place, they buried some brazen tablets, on which was the statement that
+very shortly Asclepius, with his father Apollo, would pay a visit to
+Pontus, and take up his abode at Abonutichus. The discovery of the
+tablets took place as arranged, and the news flew through Bithynia and
+Pontus, first of all, naturally, to Abonutichus. The people of that place
+at once resolved to raise a temple, and lost no time in digging the
+foundations. Cocconas was now left at Chalcedon, engaged in composing
+certain ambiguous crabbed oracles. He shortly afterwards died, I believe,
+of a viper's bite.
+
+Alexander meanwhile went on in advance; he had now grown his hair and
+wore it in long curls; his doublet was white and purple striped, his
+cloak pure white; he carried a scimetar in imitation of Perseus, from
+whom he now claimed descent through his mother. The wretched
+Paphlagonians, who knew perfectly well that his parentage was obscure and
+mean on both sides, nevertheless gave credence to the oracle, which ran:
+
+  Lo, sprung from Perseus, and to Phoebus dear,
+  High Alexander, Podalirius' son!
+
+Podalirius, it seems, was of so highly amorous a complexion that the
+distance between Tricca and Paphlagonia was no bar to his union with
+Alexander's mother. A Sibylline prophecy had also been found:
+
+  Hard by Sinope on the Euxine shore
+  Th' Italic age a fortress prophet sees.
+  To the first monad let thrice ten be added,
+  Five monads yet, and then a triple score:
+  Such the quaternion of th' alexic name.
+
+[Footnote: In 1. 2 of the oracle, the Italic age is the Roman Empire; the
+fortress prophet is one who belongs to a place ending in--tichus (fort).
+11>> 3-5 mean: Take 1, 30, 5, 60 (the Greek symbols for which are the
+letters of the alphabet A, L, E, X), and you will have four letters of
+the name of your coming protector (alexic).]
+
+This heroic entry into his long-left home placed Alexander conspicuously
+before the public; he affected madness, and frequently foamed at the
+mouth--a manifestation easily produced by chewing the herb soap-wort,
+used by dyers; but it brought him reverence and awe. The two had long ago
+manufactured and fitted up a serpent's head of linen; they had given it a
+more or less human expression, and painted it very like the real article;
+by a contrivance of horsehair, the mouth could be opened and shut, and a
+forked black serpent tongue protruded, working on the same system. The
+serpent from Pella was also kept ready in the house, to be produced at
+the right moment and take its part in the drama--the leading part,
+indeed.
+
+In the fullness of time, his plan took shape. He went one night to the
+temple foundations, still in process of digging, and with standing water
+in them which had collected from the rainfall or otherwise; here he
+deposited a goose egg, into which, after blowing it, he had inserted some
+new-born reptile. He made a resting-place deep down in the mud for this,
+and departed. Early next morning he rushed into the market-place, naked
+except for a gold-spangled loin-cloth; with nothing but this and his
+scimetar, and shaking his long loose hair, like the fanatics who collect
+money in the name of Cybele, he climbed on to a lofty altar and delivered
+a harangue, felicitating the city upon the advent of the God now to bless
+them with his presence. In a few minutes nearly the whole population was
+on the spot, women, old men, and children included; all was awe, prayer,
+and adoration. He uttered some unintelligible sounds, which might have
+been Hebrew or Phoenician, but completed his victory over his audience,
+who could make nothing of what he said, beyond the constant repetition of
+the names Apollo and Asclepius.
+
+He then set off at a run for the future temple. Arrived at the excavation
+and the already completed sacred fount, he got down into the water,
+chanted in a loud voice hymns to Asclepius and Apollo, and invited the
+God to come, a welcome guest, to the city. He next demanded a bowl, and
+when this was handed to him, had no difficulty in putting it down at the
+right place and scooping up, besides water and mud, the egg in which the
+God had been enclosed; the edges of the aperture had been joined with wax
+and white lead. He took the egg in his hand and announced that here he
+held Asclepius. The people, who had been sufficiently astonished by the
+discovery of the egg in the water, were now all eyes for what was to
+come. He broke it, and received in his hollowed palm the hardly developed
+reptile; the crowd could see it stirring and winding about his fingers;
+they raised a shout, hailed the God, blessed the city, and every mouth
+was full of prayers--for treasure and wealth and health and all the other
+good things that he might give. Our hero now departed homewards, still
+running, with the new-born Asclepius in his hands--the twice-born, too,
+whereas ordinary men can be born but once, and born moreover not of
+Coronis [Footnote: Coronis was the mother of Asclepius; 'corone' is Greek
+for a crow.] nor even of her namesake the crow, but of a goose! After him
+streamed the whole people, in all the madness of fanatic hopes.
+
+He now kept the house for some days, in hopes that the Paphlagonians
+would soon be drawn in crowds by the news. He was not disappointed; the
+city was filled to overflowing with persons who had neither brains nor
+individuality, who bore no resemblance to men that live by bread, and had
+only their outward shape to distinguish them from sheep. In a small room
+he took his seat, very imposingly attired, upon a couch. He took into his
+bosom our Asclepius of Pella (a very fine and large one, as I observed),
+wound its body round his neck, and let its tail hang down; there was
+enough of this not only to fill his lap, but to trail on the ground also;
+the patient creature's head he kept hidden in his armpit, showing the
+linen head on one side of his beard exactly as if it belonged to the
+visible body.
+
+Picture to yourself a little chamber into which no very brilliant light
+was admitted, with a crowd of people from all quarters, excited,
+carefully worked up, all a-flutter with expectation. As they came in,
+they might naturally find a miracle in the development of that little
+crawling thing of a few days ago into this great, tame, human-looking
+serpent. Then they had to get on at once towards the exit, being pressed
+forward by the new arrivals before they could have a good look. An exit
+had been specially made just opposite the entrance, for all the world
+like the Macedonian device at Babylon when Alexander was ill; he was
+_in extremis_, you remember, and the crowd round the palace were
+eager to take their last look and give their last greeting. Our
+scoundrel's exhibition, though, is said to have been given not once, but
+many times, especially for the benefit of any wealthy new-comers.
+
+And at this point, my dear Celsus, we may, if we will be candid, make
+some allowance for these Paphlagonians and Pontics; the poor uneducated
+'fat-heads' might well be taken in when they handled the serpent--a
+privilege conceded to all who choose--and saw in that dim light its head
+with the mouth that opened and shut. It was an occasion for a Democritus,
+nay, for an Epicurus or a Metrodorus, perhaps, a man whose intelligence
+was steeled against such assaults by scepticism and insight, one who, if
+he could not detect the precise imposture, would at any rate have been
+perfectly certain that, though this escaped him, the whole thing was a
+lie and an impossibility.
+
+By degrees Bithynia, Galatia, Thrace, came flocking in, every one who had
+been present doubtless reporting that he had beheld the birth of the God,
+and had touched him after his marvellous development in size and in
+expression. Next came pictures and models, bronze or silver images, and
+the God acquired a name. By divine command, metrically expressed, he was
+to be known as Glycon. For Alexander had delivered the line:
+
+  Glycon my name, man's light, son's son to Zeus.
+
+And now at last the object to which all this had led up, the giving of
+oracular answers to all applicants, could be attained. The cue was taken
+from Amphilochus in Cilicia. After the death and disappearance at Thebes
+of his father Amphiaraus, Amphilochus, driven from his home, made his way
+to Cilicia, and there did not at all badly by prophesying to the
+Cilicians at the rate of threepence an oracle. After this precedent,
+Alexander proclaimed that on a stated day the God would give answers to
+all comers. Each person was to write down his wish and the object of his
+curiosity, fasten the packet with thread, and seal it with wax, clay, or
+other such substance. He would receive these, and enter the holy place
+(by this time the temple was complete, and the scene all ready), whither
+the givers should be summoned in order by a herald and an acolyte; he
+would learn the God's mind upon each, and return the packets with their
+seals intact and the answers attached, the God being ready to give a
+definite answer to any question that might be put.
+
+The trick here was one which would be seen through easily enough by a
+person of your intelligence (or, if I may say so without violating
+modesty, of my own), but which to the ordinary imbecile would have the
+persuasiveness of what is marvellous and incredible. He contrived various
+methods of undoing the seals, read the questions, answered them as seemed
+good, and then folded, sealed, and returned them, to the great
+astonishment of the recipients. And then it was, 'How could he possibly
+know what I gave him carefully secured under a seal that defies
+imitation, unless he were a true God, with a God's omniscience?'
+
+Perhaps you will ask what these contrivances were; well, then--the
+information may be useful another time. One of them was this. He would
+heat a needle, melt with it the under part of the wax, lift the seal off,
+and after reading warm the wax once more with the needle--both that below
+the thread and that which formed the actual seal--and re-unite the two
+without difficulty. Another method employed the substance called
+collyrium; this is a preparation of Bruttian pitch, bitumen, pounded
+glass, wax, and mastich. He kneaded the whole into collyrium, heated it,
+placed it on the seal, previously moistened with his tongue, and so took
+a mould. This soon hardened; he simply opened, read, replaced the wax,
+and reproduced an excellent imitation of the original seal as from an
+engraved stone. One more I will give you. Adding some gypsum to the glue
+used in book-binding he produced a sort of wax, which was applied still
+wet to the seal, and on being taken off solidified at once and provided a
+matrix harder than horn, or even iron. There are plenty of other devices
+for the purpose, to rehearse which would seem like airing one's
+knowledge. Moreover, in your excellent pamphlets against the magians
+(most useful and instructive reading they are) you have yourself
+collected enough of them--many more than those I have mentioned.
+
+So oracles and divine utterances were the order of the day, and much
+shrewdness he displayed, eking out mechanical ingenuity with obscurity,
+his answers to some being crabbed and ambiguous, and to others absolutely
+unintelligible. He did however distribute warning and encouragement
+according to his lights, and recommend treatments and diets; for he had,
+as I originally stated, a wide and serviceable acquaintance with drugs;
+he was particularly given to prescribing 'cytmides,' which were a salve
+prepared from goat's fat, the name being of his own invention. For the
+realization of ambitions, advancement, or successions, he took care never
+to assign early dates; the formula was, 'All this shall come to pass when
+it is my will, and when my prophet Alexander shall make prayer and
+entreaty on your behalf.'
+
+There was a fixed charge of a shilling the oracle. And, my friend, do not
+suppose that this would not come to much; he made something like L3,000
+_per annum_; people were insatiable--would take from ten to fifteen
+oracles at a time. What he got he did not keep to himself, nor put it by
+for the future; what with accomplices, attendants, inquiry agents, oracle
+writers and keepers, amanuenses, seal-forgers, and interpreters, he had
+now a host of claimants to satisfy.
+
+He had begun sending emissaries abroad to make the shrine known in
+foreign lands; his prophecies, discovery of runaways, conviction of
+thieves and robbers, revelations of hidden treasure, cures of the sick,
+restoration of the dead to life--all these were to be advertised. This
+brought them running and crowding from all points of the compass; victims
+bled, gifts were presented, and the prophet and disciple came off better
+than the God; for had not the oracle spoken?--
+
+  Give what ye give to my attendant priest;
+  My care is not for gifts, but for my priest.
+
+A time came when a number of sensible people began to shake off their
+intoxication and combine against him, chief among them the numerous
+Epicureans; in the cities, the imposture with all its theatrical
+accessories began to be seen through. It was now that he resorted to a
+measure of intimidation; he proclaimed that Pontus was overrun with
+atheists and Christians, who presumed to spread the most scandalous
+reports concerning him; he exhorted Pontus, as it valued the God's
+favour, to stone these men. Touching Epicurus, he gave the following
+response. An inquirer had asked how Epicurus fared in Hades, and was
+told:
+
+  Of slime is his bed,
+  And his fetters of lead.
+
+The prosperity of the oracle is perhaps not so wonderful, when one learns
+what sensible, intelligent questions were in fashion with its votaries.
+Well, it was war to the knife between him and Epicurus, and no wonder.
+What fitter enemy for a charlatan who patronized miracles and hated
+truth, than the thinker who had grasped the nature of things and was in
+solitary possession of that truth? As for the Platonists, Stoics,
+Pythagoreans, they were his good friends; he had no quarrel with them.
+But the unmitigated Epicurus, as he used to call him, could not but be
+hateful to him, treating all such pretensions as absurd and puerile.
+Alexander consequently loathed Amastris beyond all the cities of Pontus,
+knowing what a number of Lepidus's friends and others like-minded it
+contained. He would not give oracles to Amastrians; when he once did, to
+a senator's brother, he made himself ridiculous, neither hitting upon a
+presentable oracle for himself, nor finding a deputy equal to the
+occasion. The man had complained of colic, and what he meant to prescribe
+was pig's foot dressed with mallow. The shape it took was:
+
+  In basin hallowed
+  Be pigments mallowed.
+
+I have mentioned that the serpent was often exhibited by request; he was
+not completely visible, but the tail and body were exposed, while the
+head was concealed under the prophet's dress. By way of impressing the
+people still more, he announced that he would induce the God to speak,
+and give his responses without an intermediary. His simple device to this
+end was a tube of cranes' windpipes, which he passed, with due regard to
+its matching, through the artificial head, and, having an assistant
+speaking into the end outside, whose voice issued through the linen
+Asclepius, thus answered questions. These oracles were called
+_autophones_, and were not vouchsafed casually to any one, but reserved
+for officials, the rich, and the lavish.
+
+It was an autophone which was given to Severian regarding the invasion of
+Armenia. He encouraged him with these lines:
+
+  Armenia, Parthia, cowed by thy fierce spear,
+  To Rome, and Tiber's shining waves, thou com'st,
+  Thy brow with leaves and radiant gold encircled.
+
+Then when the foolish Gaul took his advice and invaded, to the total
+destruction of himself and his army by Othryades, the adviser expunged
+that oracle from his archives and substituted the following:
+
+  Vex not th' Armenian land; it shall not thrive;
+  One in soft raiment clad shall from his bow
+  Launch death, and cut thee off from life and light.
+
+For it was one of his happy thoughts to issue prophecies after the event
+as antidotes to those premature utterances which had not gone right.
+Frequently he promised recovery to a sick man before his death, and after
+it was at no loss for second thoughts:
+
+  No longer seek to arrest thy fell disease;
+  Thy fate is manifest, inevitable.
+
+Knowing the fame of Clarus, Didymus, and Mallus for sooth-saying much
+like his own, he struck up an alliance with them, sending on many of his
+clients to those places. So
+
+  Hie thee to Clarus now, and hear my sire.
+
+And again,
+
+  Draw near to Branchidae and counsel take.
+
+Or
+
+  Seek Mallus; be Amphilochus thy counsellor.
+
+So things went within the borders of Ionia, Cilicia, Paphlagonia, and
+Galatia. When the fame of the oracle travelled to Italy and entered Rome,
+the only question was, who should be first; those who did not come in
+person sent messages, the powerful and respected being the keenest of
+all. First and foremost among these was Rutilianus; he was in most
+respects an excellent person, and had filled many high offices in Rome;
+but he suffered from religious mania, holding the most extraordinary
+beliefs on that matter; show him a bit of stone smeared with unguents or
+crowned with flowers, and he would incontinently fall down and worship,
+and linger about it praying and asking for blessings. The reports about
+our oracle nearly induced him to throw up the appointment he then held,
+and fly to Abonutichus; he actually did send messenger upon messenger.
+His envoys were ignorant servants, easily taken in. They came back having
+really seen certain things, relating others which they probably thought
+they had seen and heard, and yet others which they deliberately invented
+to curry favour with their master. So they inflamed the poor old man and
+drove him into confirmed madness.
+
+He had a wide circle of influential friends, to whom he communicated the
+news brought by his successive messengers, not without additional touches
+of his own. All Rome was full of his tales; there was quite a commotion,
+the gentlemen of the Court being much fluttered, and at once taking
+measures to learn something of their own fate. The prophet gave all who
+came a hearty welcome, gained their goodwill by hospitality and costly
+gifts, and sent them off ready not merely to report his answers, but to
+sing the praises of the God and invent miraculous tales of the shrine and
+its guardian.
+
+This triple rogue now hit upon an idea which would have been too clever
+for the ordinary robber. Opening and reading the packets which reached
+him, whenever he came upon an equivocal, compromising question, he
+omitted to return the packet; the sender was to be under his thumb, bound
+to his service by the terrifying recollection of the question he had
+written down. You know the sort of things that wealthy and powerful
+personages would be likely to ask. This blackmail brought him in a good
+income.
+
+I should like to quote you one or two of the answers given to Rutilianus.
+He had a son by a former wife, just old enough for advanced teaching. The
+father asked who should be his tutor, and was told,
+
+  Pythagoras, and the mighty battle-bard.
+
+When the child died a few days after, the prophet was abashed, and quite
+unable to account for this summary confutation. However, dear good
+Rutilianus very soon restored the oracle's credit by discovering that
+this was the very thing the God had foreshown; he had not directed him to
+choose a living teacher; Pythagoras and Homer were long dead, and
+doubtless the boy was now enjoying their instructions in Hades. Small
+blame to Alexander if he had a taste for dealings with such specimens of
+humanity as this.
+
+Another of Rutilianus's questions was, Whose soul he had succeeded to,
+and the answer:
+
+  First thou wast Peleus' son, and next Menander;
+  Then thine own self; next, a sunbeam shalt be;
+  And nine score annual rounds thy life shall measure.
+
+At seventy, he died of melancholy, not waiting for the God to pay in
+full.
+
+That was an autophone too. Another time Rutilianus consulted the oracle
+on the choice of a wife. The answer was express:
+
+  Wed Alexander's daughter and Selene's.
+
+He had long ago spread the report that the daughter he had had was by
+Selene: she had once seen him asleep, and fallen in love, as is her way
+with handsome sleepers. The sensible Rutilianus lost no time, but sent
+for the maiden at once, celebrated the nuptials, a sexagenarian
+bridegroom, and lived with her, propitiating his divine mother-in-law
+with whole hecatombs, and reckoning himself now one of the heavenly
+company.
+
+His finger once in the Italian pie, Alexander devoted himself to getting
+further. Sacred envoys were sent all over the Roman Empire, warning the
+various cities to be on their guard against pestilence and
+conflagrations, with the prophet's offers of security against them. One
+oracle in particular, an autophone again, he distributed broadcast at a
+time of pestilence. It was a single line:
+
+  Phoebus long-tressed the plague-cloud shall dispel.
+
+This was everywhere to be seen written up on doors as a prophylactic. Its
+effect was generally disappointing; for it somehow happened that the
+protected houses were just the ones to be desolated. Not that I would
+suggest for a moment that the line was their destruction; but,
+accidentally no doubt, it did so fall out. Possibly common people put too
+much confidence in the verse, and lived carelessly without troubling to
+help the oracle against its foe; were there not the words fighting their
+battle, and long-tressed Phoebus discharging his arrows at the pestilence?
+
+In Rome itself he established an intelligence bureau well manned with his
+accomplices. They sent him people's characters, forecasts of their
+questions, and hints of their ambitions, so that he had his answers ready
+before the messengers reached him.
+
+It was with his eye on this Italian propaganda, too, that he took a
+further step. This was the institution of mysteries, with hierophants and
+torch-bearers complete. The ceremonies occupied three successive days. On
+the first, proclamation was made on the Athenian model to this effect:
+'If there be any atheist or Christian or Epicurean here spying upon our
+rites, let him depart in haste; and let all such as have faith in the God
+be initiated and all blessing attend them.' He led the litany with,
+'Christians, avaunt!' and the crowd responded, 'Epicureans, avaunt!' Then
+was presented the child-bed of Leto and birth of Apollo, the bridal of
+Coronis, Asclepius born. The second day, the epiphany and nativity of the
+God Glycon.
+
+On the third came the wedding of Podalirius and Alexander's mother; this
+was called Torch-day, and torches were used. The finale was the loves of
+Selene and Alexander, and the birth of Rutilianus's wife. The torch-
+bearer and hierophant was Endymion-Alexander. He was discovered lying
+asleep; to him from heaven, represented by the ceiling, enter as Selene
+one Rutilia, a great beauty, and wife of one of the Imperial procurators.
+She and Alexander were lovers off the stage too, and the wretched husband
+had to look on at their public kissing and embracing; if there had not
+been a good supply of torches, things might possibly have gone even
+further. Shortly after, he reappeared amidst a profound hush, attired as
+hierophant; in a loud voice he called, 'Hail, Glycon!', whereto the
+Eumolpidae and Ceryces of Paphlagonia, with their clod-hopping shoes and
+their garlic breath, made sonorous response, 'Hail, Alexander!'
+
+The torch ceremony with its ritual skippings often enabled him to bestow
+a glimpse of his thigh, which was thus discovered to be of gold; it was
+presumably enveloped in cloth of gold, which glittered in the lamp-light.
+This gave rise to a debate between two wiseacres, whether the golden
+thigh meant that he had inherited Pythagoras's soul, or merely that their
+two souls were alike; the question was referred to Alexander himself, and
+King Glycon relieved their perplexity with an oracle:
+
+  Waxes and wanes Pythagoras' soul: the seer's
+  Is from the mind of Zeus an emanation.
+  His Father sent him, virtuous men to aid,
+  And with his bolt one day shall call him home.
+
+I will now give you a conversation between Glycon and one Sacerdos of
+Tius; the intelligence of the latter you may gauge from his questions. I
+read it inscribed in golden letters in Sacerdos's house at Tius. 'Tell
+me, lord Glycon,' said he, 'who you are.' 'The new Asclepius.' 'Another,
+different from the former one? Is that the meaning?' 'That it is not
+lawful for you to learn.' 'And how many years will you sojourn and
+prophesy among us?' 'A thousand and three.' 'And after that, whither will
+you go?' 'To Bactria; for the barbarians too must be blessed with my
+presence.' 'The other oracles, at Didymus and Clarus and Delphi, have
+they still the spirit of your grandsire Apollo, or are the answers that
+now come from them forgeries?' 'That, too, desire not to know; it is not
+lawful.' 'What shall I be after this life?' 'A camel; then a horse; then
+a wise man, no less a prophet than Alexander.' Such was the conversation.
+There was added to it an oracle in verse, inspired by the fact that
+Sacerdos was an associate of Lepidus:
+
+  Shun Lepidus; an evil fate awaits him.
+
+As I have said, Alexander was much afraid of Epicurus, and the solvent
+action of his logic on imposture.
+
+On one occasion, indeed, an Epicurean got himself into great trouble by
+daring to expose him before a great gathering. He came up and addressed
+him in a loud voice. 'Alexander, it was you who induced So-and-so the
+Paphlagonian to bring his slaves before the governor of Galatia, charged
+with the murder of his son who was being educated in Alexandria. Well,
+the young man is alive, and has come back, to find that the slaves had
+been cast to the beasts by your machinations.' What had happened was
+this. The lad had sailed up the Nile, gone on to a Red Sea port, found a
+vessel starting for India, and been persuaded to make the voyage. He
+being long overdue, the unfortunate slaves supposed that he had either
+perished in the Nile or fallen a victim to some of the pirates who
+infested it at that time; so they came home to report his disappearance.
+Then followed the oracle, the sentence, and finally the young man's
+return with the story of his absence.
+
+All this the Epicurean recounted. Alexander was much annoyed by the
+exposure, and could not stomach so well deserved an affront; he directed
+the company to stone the man, on pain of being involved in his impiety
+and called Epicureans. However, when they set to work, a distinguished
+Pontic called Demostratus, who was staying there, rescued him by
+interposing his own body; the man had the narrowest possible escape from
+being stoned to death--as he richly deserved to be; what business had he
+to be the only sane man in a crowd of madmen, and needlessly make himself
+the butt of Paphlagonian infatuation?
+
+This was a special case; but it was the practice for the names of
+applicants to be read out the day before answers were given; the herald
+asked whether each was to receive his oracle; and sometimes the reply
+came from within, To perdition! One so repulsed could get shelter, fire
+or water, from no man; he must be driven from land to land as a
+blasphemer, an atheist, and--lowest depth of all--an Epicurean.
+
+In this connexion Alexander once made himself supremely ridiculous.
+Coming across Epicurus's _Accepted Maxims_, the most admirable of
+his books, as you know, with its terse presentment of his wise
+conclusions, he brought it into the middle of the market-place, there
+burned it on a fig-wood fire for the sins of its author, and cast its
+ashes into the sea. He issued an oracle on the occasion:
+
+  The dotard's maxims to the flames be given.
+
+The fellow had no conception of the blessings conferred by that book upon
+its readers, of the peace, tranquillity, and independence of mind it
+produces, of the protection it gives against terrors, phantoms, and
+marvels, vain hopes and inordinate desires, of the judgement and candour
+that it fosters, or of its true purging of the spirit, not with torches
+and squills and such rubbish, but with right reason, truth, and
+frankness.
+
+Perhaps the greatest example of our rogue's audacity is what I now come
+to. Having easy access to Palace and Court by Rutilianus's influence, he
+sent an oracle just at the crisis of the German war, when M. Aurelius was
+on the point of engaging the Marcomanni and Quadi. The oracle required
+that two lions should be flung alive into the Danube, with quantities of
+sacred herbs and magnificent sacrifices. I had better give the words:
+
+  To rolling Ister, swoln with Heaven's rain,
+  Of Cybelean thralls, those mountain beasts,
+  Fling ye a pair; therewith all flowers and herbs
+  Of savour sweet that Indian air doth breed.
+  Hence victory, and fame, and lovely peace.
+
+These directions were precisely followed; the lions swam across to the
+enemy's bank, where they were clubbed to death by the barbarians, who
+took them for dogs or a new kind of wolves; and our forces immediately
+after met with a severe defeat, losing some twenty thousand men in one
+engagement. This was followed by the Aquileian incident, in the course of
+which that city was nearly lost. In view of these results, Alexander
+warmed up that stale Delphian defence of the Croesus oracle: the God had
+foretold a victory, forsooth, but had not stated whether Romans or
+barbarians should have it.
+
+The constant increase in the number of visitors, the inadequacy of
+accommodation in the city, and the difficulty of finding provisions for
+consultants, led to his introducing what he called _night oracles_.
+He received the packets, slept upon them, in his own phrase, and gave
+answers which the God was supposed to send him in dreams. These were
+generally not lucid, but ambiguous and confused, especially when he came
+to packets sealed with exceptional care. He did not risk tampering with
+these, but wrote down any words that came into his head, the results
+obtained corresponding well enough to his conception of the oracular.
+There were regular interpreters in attendance, who made considerable sums
+out of the recipients by expounding and unriddling these oracles. This
+office contributed to his revenue, the interpreters paying him L250 each.
+
+Sometimes he stirred the wonder of the silly by answers to persons who
+had neither brought nor sent questions, and in fact did not exist. Here
+is a specimen:
+
+  Who is't, thou askst, that with Calligenia
+  All secretly defiles thy nuptial bed?
+  The slave Protogenes, whom most thou trustest.
+  Him thou enjoyedst: he thy wife enjoys--
+  The fit return for that thine outrage done.
+  And know that baleful drugs for thee are brewed,
+  Lest thou or see or hear their evil deeds.
+  Close by the wall, at thy bed's head, make search.
+  Thy maid Calypso to their plot is privy.
+
+The names and circumstantial details might stagger a Democritus, till a
+moment's thought showed him the despicable trick.
+
+He often gave answers in Syriac or Celtic to barbarians who questioned
+him in their own tongue, though he had difficulty in finding compatriots
+of theirs in the city. In these cases there was a long interval between
+application and response, during which the packet might be securely
+opened at leisure, and somebody found capable of translating the
+question. The following is an answer given to a Scythian:
+
+  Morphi ebargulis for night
+  Chnenchicrank shall leave the light.
+
+Another oracle to some one who neither came nor existed was in prose.
+'Return the way thou earnest,' it ran; 'for he that sent thee hath this
+day been slain by his neighbour Diocles, with aid of the robbers Magnus,
+Celer, and Bubalus, who are taken and in chains.'
+
+I must give you one or two of the answers that fell to my share. I asked
+whether Alexander was bald, and having sealed it publicly with great
+care, got a night oracle in reply:
+
+  Sabardalachu malach Attis was not he.
+
+Another time I did up the same question--What was Homer's birthplace?--in
+two packets given in under different names. My servant misled him by
+saying, when asked what he came for, a cure for lung trouble; so the
+answer to one packet was:
+
+  Cytmide and foam of steed the liniment give.
+
+As for the other packet, he got the information that the sender was
+inquiring whether the land or the sea route to Italy was preferable. So
+he answered, without much reference to Homer:
+
+  Fare not by sea; land-travel meets thy need.
+
+I laid a good many traps of this kind for him; here is another. I asked
+only one question, but wrote outside the packet in the usual form, So-
+and-so's eight Queries, giving a fictitious name and sending the eight
+shillings. Satisfied with the payment of the money and the inscription on
+the packet, he gave me eight answers to my one question. This was, When
+will Alexander's imposture be detected? The answers concerned nothing in
+heaven or earth, but were all silly and meaningless together. He
+afterwards found out about this, and also that I had tried to dissuade
+Rutilianus both from the marriage and from putting any confidence in the
+oracle; so he naturally conceived a violent dislike for me. When
+Rutilianus once put a question to him about me, the answer was:
+
+  Night-haunts and foul debauch are all his joy.
+
+It is true his dislike was quite justified. On a certain occasion I was
+passing through Abonutichus, with a spearman and a pikeman whom my friend
+the governor of Cappadocia had lent me as an escort on my way to the sea.
+Ascertaining that I was the Lucian he knew of, he sent me a very polite
+and hospitable invitation. I found him with a numerous company; by good
+luck I had brought my escort. He gave me his hand to kiss according to
+his usual custom. I took hold of it as if to kiss, but instead bestowed
+on it a sound bite that must have come near disabling it. The company,
+who were already offended at my calling him Alexander instead of Prophet,
+were inclined to throttle and beat me for sacrilege. But he endured the
+pain like a man, checked their violence, and assured them that he would
+easily tame me, and illustrate Glycon's greatness in converting his
+bitterest foes to friends. He then dismissed them all, and argued the
+matter with me: he was perfectly aware of my advice to Rutilianus; why
+had I treated him so, when I might have been preferred by him to great
+influence in that quarter? By this time I had realized my dangerous
+position, and was only too glad to welcome these advances; I presently
+went my way in all friendship with him. The rapid change wrought in me
+greatly impressed the observers.
+
+When I intended to sail, he sent me many parting gifts, and offered to
+find us (Xenophon and me, that is; I had sent my father and family on to
+Amastris) a ship and crew--which offer I accepted in all confidence. When
+the passage was half over, I observed the master in tears arguing with
+his men, which made me very uneasy. It turned out that Alexander's orders
+were to seize and fling us overboard; in that case his war with me would
+have been lightly won. But the crew were prevailed upon by the master's
+tears to do us no harm. 'I am sixty years old, as you can see,' he said
+to me; 'I have lived an honest blameless life so far, and I should not
+like at my time of life, with a wife and children too, to stain my hands
+with blood.' And with that preface he informed us what we were there for,
+and what Alexander had told him to do.
+
+He landed us at Aegiali, of Homeric fame, and thence sailed home. Some
+Bosphoran envoys happened to be passing, on their way to Bithynia with
+the annual tribute from their king Eupator. They listened kindly to my
+account of our dangerous situation, I was taken on board, and reached
+Amastris safely after my narrow escape. From that time it was war between
+Alexander and me, and I left no stone unturned to get my revenge. Even
+before his plot I had hated him, revolted by his abominable practices,
+and I now busied myself with the attempt to expose him; I found plenty of
+allies, especially in the circle of Timocrates the Heracleot philosopher.
+But Avitus, the then governor of Bithynia and Pontus, restrained me, I
+may almost say with prayers and entreaties. He could not possibly spoil
+his relations with Rutilianus, he said, by punishing the man, even if he
+could get clear evidence against him. Thus arrested in my course, I did
+not persist in what must have been, considering the disposition of the
+judge, a fruitless prosecution.
+
+Among instances of Alexander's presumption, a high place must be given to
+his petition to the Emperor: the name of Abonutichus was to be changed to
+Ionopolis; and a new coin was to be struck, with a representation on the
+obverse of Glycon, and, on the reverse, Alexander bearing the garlands
+proper to his paternal grandfather Asclepius, and the famous scimetar of
+his maternal ancestor Perseus.
+
+He had stated in an oracle that he was destined to live to a hundred and
+fifty, and then die by a thunderbolt; he had in fact, before he reached
+seventy, an end very sad for a son of Podalirius, his leg mortifying from
+foot to groin and being eaten of worms; it then proved that he was bald,
+as he was forced by pain to let the doctors make cooling applications to
+his head, which they could not do without removing his wig.
+
+So ended Alexander's heroics; such was the catastrophe of his tragedy;
+one would like to find a special providence in it, though doubtless
+chance must have the credit. The funeral celebration was to be worthy of
+his life, taking the form of a contest--for possession of the oracle. The
+most prominent of the impostors his accomplices referred it to
+Rutilianus's arbitration which of them should be selected to succeed to
+the prophetic office and wear the hierophantic oracular garland. Among
+these was numbered the grey-haired physician Paetus, dishonouring equally
+his grey hairs and his profession. But Steward-of-the-Games Rutilianus
+sent them about their business ungarlanded, and continued the defunct in
+possession of his holy office.
+
+My object, dear friend, in making this small selection from a great mass
+of material has been twofold. First, I was willing to oblige a friend and
+comrade who is for me the pattern of wisdom, sincerity, good humour,
+justice, tranquillity, and geniality. But secondly I was still more
+concerned (a preference which you will be very far from resenting)
+to strike a blow for Epicurus, that great man whose holiness and divinity
+of nature were not shams, who alone had and imparted true insight into the
+good, and who brought deliverance to all that consorted with him. Yet I
+think casual readers too may find my essay not unserviceable, since it is
+not only destructive, but, for men of sense, constructive also.
+
+
+
+
+OF PANTOMIME
+[Footnote: 'Pantomime' has been chosen as the most natural translation of
+_orchaesis_, which in this dialogue has reference for the most part to the
+ballet-dancer (_pantomimus_) of imperial times. On the other hand,
+Lycinus, in order to establish the antiquity and the universality of an
+art that for all practical purposes dates only from the Augustan era, and
+(despite the Greek artists) is Roman in origin, avails himself of the
+wider meaning of _orchaesis_ to give us the historic and prehistoric
+associations of _dance_ in Greece and elsewhere; and in such passages it
+seemed advisable to sacrifice consistency, and to translate _orchaesis_
+dance.]
+
+
+_Lycinus. Crato_
+
+_Ly_. Here are heavy charges, Crato; I suppose you have been getting
+up this subject for some time. You are not content with attacking the
+whole pantomimic art, practical and theoretic; we too, the pleased
+spectators thereof, come in for our share: we have been lavishing our
+admiration, it seems, on effeminate triflers. And now let me show you how
+completely you have been mistaken; you will find that the art you have
+been maligning is the greatest boon of our existence. There is some
+excuse for your strictures: how should you know any better, confirmed
+ascetic that you are, believing that virtue consists in being
+uncomfortable?
+
+_Cr_. Now, my dear sir, can any one who calls himself a man, and an
+educated man, and in some sort a student of philosophy,--can such a one
+leave those higher pursuits, leave communing with the sages of old, to
+sit still and listen to the sound of a flute, and watch the antics of an
+effeminate creature got up in soft raiment to sing lascivious songs and
+mimic the passions of prehistoric strumpets, of Rhodopes and Phaedras and
+Parthenopes, to the accompaniment of twanging string and shrilling pipe
+and clattering heel? It is too absurd: these are not amusements for a
+gentleman; not amusements for Lycinus. When I first heard of your
+spending your time in this way, I was divided betwixt shame and
+indignation, to think that you could so far forget Plato and Chrysippus
+and Aristotle, as to sit thus having your ears tickled with a feather. If
+you want amusements, are there not a thousand things _worth_ seeing
+and hearing? Can you not hear classical music performed at the great
+festivals? Are there not lofty tragedy and brilliant comedy,--things that
+have been deemed worthy of state recognition? My friend, you have a long
+reckoning to settle with men of learning, if you would not be repudiated
+altogether, and expelled from the congregation of the wise. I think your
+best course will be a point-blank denial: declare flatly that you never
+did anything of the kind. Anyhow, you must watch your conduct for the
+future: we do not want to find that our Lycinus has changed his sex, and
+become a Bacchante or a Lydian damsel. That would be as much to our
+discredit as to yours: for ours should be Odysseus's part,--to tear you
+from the lotus, and bring you back to your accustomed pursuits; to save
+you from the clutches of these stage Sirens before it is too late. The
+Sirens, after all, did but plot against men's ears; it needed but a
+little wax, and a man might sail past them uninjured: but yours is a
+captivity of ear and eye, of body and soul.
+
+_Ly_. Goodness gracious! All the Cynic in you is loose, and snarls
+at me. At the same time, I think your Lotus-and-Siren simile is rather
+off the point: you see, the people who ate the Lotus and listened to the
+Sirens paid for the gratification of ear and palate with their lives:
+whereas I not only have a great deal more enjoyment than they had, but am
+all the better for it. I have experienced no oblivion of my domestic
+affairs, nor blindness to my own interests; in fact--if I may venture to
+say so--you will find my penetration and practical wisdom considerably
+increased by my theatrical experiences. Homer has it exactly: the
+spectator
+
+  Returns a gladder and a wiser man.
+
+_Cr_. Dear, dear! Yours is a sad case, Lycinus. You are not even ashamed;
+you seem quite pleased with yourself. That is the worst of it: there seems
+no hope of your recovery, while you can actually commend the mire in which
+you wallow.
+
+_Ly_. Now, Crato,--you talk of pantomimes and theatres,--have you seen
+these performances yourself, that you are so hard on them? or do you
+decide that they are 'foul mire' without personal experience? If you have
+seen them, you are just as bad as I am; and if not, are you justified in
+censuring them? does it not savour of over-confidence, to condemn what
+you know nothing about?
+
+_Cr_. Truly that would be the climax: that I should show my long beard and
+white hairs amid that throng of women and lunatics; and clap and yell in
+unseemly rapture over the vile contortions of an abandoned buffoon.
+
+_Ly_. I can make allowance for you. But wait till I have prevailed on you
+to give it a fair trial, to accept the judgement of your own eyes: after
+that you will never be happy till you have secured the best seat in the
+theatre, where you may hear every syllable, mark every gesture.
+
+_Cr_. While this beard is yet unplucked, these limbs unshaven, God forbid
+that I should ever find happiness in such things. As it is, my poor
+friend, I see that _you_ are wholly possessed.
+
+_Ly_. Now suppose you were to abstain from further abuse, and hear what I
+have to say of the merits of Pantomime; of the manner in which it combines
+profit with amusement; instructing, informing, perfecting the intelligence
+of the beholder; training his eyes to lovely sights, filling his ears with
+noble sounds, revealing a beauty in which body and soul alike have their
+share. For that music and dancing are employed to produce these results is
+no disparagement of the art; it is rather a recommendation.
+
+_Cr_. I have not much time for listening to a madman's discourse in praise
+of his own madness. However--if you must deluge me with nonsense--I am
+prepared to do you that friendly office. My ears are at your service: they
+need no wax to render them deaf to foolishness. Henceforth I will be
+silent: speak on;--no one is listening.
+
+_Ly._ Thank you, Crato; just what I wanted. As to 'foolishness,' that
+remains to be seen. Now, to begin with, you seem to be quite ignorant of
+the antiquity of the pantomimic art. It is not a new thing; it does not
+date from to-day or yesterday; not, that is to say, from our grandfathers'
+times, nor from _their_ grandfathers' times. The best antiquarians, let me
+tell you, trace dancing back to the creation of the universe; it is coeval
+with that Eros who was the beginning of all things. In the dance of the
+heavenly bodies, in the complex involutions whereby the planets are
+brought into harmonious intercourse with the fixed stars, you have an
+example of that art in its infancy, which, by gradual development, by
+continual improvements and additions, seems at length to have reached its
+climax in the subtle harmonious versatility of modern Pantomime.
+
+The first step, we learn, was taken by Rhea, who was so pleased with the
+art that she introduced it among the Corybantes in Phrygia and the
+Curetes in Crete. She was richly rewarded: for by their dancing they
+saved her child Zeus, who owes it to them (nor can he with decency deny
+it) that he escaped the paternal teeth. The dancing was performed in full
+armour; sword clashed against shield, and inspired heels beat martial
+time upon the ground. The art was presently taken up by the leading men
+in Crete, who by dint of practice became admirable dancers; and this
+applies not only to private persons, but to men of the first eminence,
+and of royal blood. Thus Homer, when he calls Meriones a dancer, is not
+disparaging him, but paying him a compliment: his dancing fame, it seems,
+had spread not only throughout the Greek world, but even into the camp of
+his enemies, the Trojans, who would observe, no doubt, on the field of
+battle that agility and grace of movement which he had acquired as a
+dancer. The passage runs as follows:
+
+  Meriones, great dancer though thou be,
+  My spear had stopped thy dancings,--
+
+it did not, however, do so; his practice in that art enabling him,
+apparently, to evade without difficulty any spears that might be hurled
+at him.
+
+I could mention a number of other heroes who went through a similar
+course of training, and made a serious study of dancing: but I will
+confine myself to the case of Neoptolemus, the son of Achilles, and a
+most eminent dancer. He it was who invented that beautiful dance called
+after him the Pyrrhic; a circumstance which may be supposed to have
+afforded more gratification to his father than his comeliness, or his
+prowess in other respects. Thus Troy, impregnable till then, falls a
+victim to the dancer's skill, and is levelled with the dust.
+
+The Lacedaemonians, who are reputed the bravest of the Greeks, ever since
+they learnt from Castor and Pollux the Caryatic (a form of dance which is
+taught in the Lacedaemonian town of Caryae), will do nothing without the
+accompaniment of the Muses: on the field of battle their feet keep time
+to the flute's measured notes, and those notes are the signal for their
+onset. Music and rhythm ever led them on to victory. To this day you may
+see their young men dividing their attention between dance and drill;
+when wrestling and boxing are over, their exercise concludes with the
+dance. A flute-player sits in their midst, beating time with his foot,
+while they file past and perform their various movements in rhythmic
+sequence, the military evolutions being followed by dances, such as
+Dionysus and Aphrodite love. Hence the song they sing is an invitation to
+Aphrodite and the Loves to join in their dance and revel; while the other
+(I should have said that they have two songs) contains instructions to
+the dancers: 'Forward, lads: foot it lightly: reel it bravely' (i.e.
+dance actively). It is the same with the chain dance, which is performed
+by men and girls together, dancing alternately, so as to suggest the
+alternating beads of a necklace. A youth leads off the dance: his active
+steps are such as will hereafter be of use to him on the field of battle:
+a maiden follows, with the modest movements that befit her sex; manly
+vigour, maidenly reserve,--these are the beads of the necklace.
+Similarly, their Gymnopaedia is but another form of dance.
+
+You have read your Homer; so that I need say nothing of the Shield of
+Achilles, with its choral dance, modelled on that which Daedalus designed
+for Ariadne; nor of the two dancers ('tumblers,' he calls them) there
+represented as leading the dance; nor again of the 'whirling dance of
+youth,' so beautifully wrought thereon by Hephaestus. As to the
+Phaeacians, living as they did in the lap of luxury, nothing is more
+natural than that _they_ should have rejoiced in the dance. Odysseus, we
+find, is particularly struck with this: he gazes with admiration on the
+'twinkling of their feet.' In Thessaly, again, dancing was such a
+prominent feature, that their rulers and generals were called 'Dancers-in-
+chief,' as may be seen from the inscriptions on the statues of their great
+men: 'Elected Prime Dancer,' we read; and again: 'This statue was erected
+at the public expense to commemorate Ilation's well-danced victory.'
+
+I need hardly observe that among the ancient mysteries not one is to be
+found that does not include dancing. Orpheus and Musaeus, the best
+dancers of their time, were the founders of these rites; and their
+ordinances show the value they attached to rhythm and dance as elements
+in religion. To illustrate this point would be to make the ceremonial
+known to the uninitiated: but so much is matter of common knowledge, that
+persons who divulge the mysteries are popularly spoken of as 'dancing
+them out.' In Delos, not even sacrifice could be offered without dance
+and musical accompaniment. Choirs of boys gathered and performed their
+dance to the sound of flute and lyre, and the best of them were chosen to
+act characters; the songs written for these occasions were known as
+chorales; and the ancient lyric poetry abounded in such compositions.
+
+But I need not confine myself to the Greeks. The Indians, when they rise
+to offer their morning salutation to the Sun, do not consider it enough
+to kiss their hands after the Greek fashion; turning to the East, they
+silently greet the God with movements that are designed to represent his
+own course through the heavens; and with this substitute for our prayers
+and sacrifices and choral celebrations they seek his favour at the
+beginning of every day and at its close. The Ethiopians go further, and
+dance even while they fight; the shaft an Ethiopian draws from that
+arrow-crown that serves him in place of a quiver will never be discharged
+before he has intimidated his enemy with the threatening gestures of the
+war-dance.
+
+Having dealt with India and Ethiopia, let us now consider the neighbouring
+country of Egypt. If I am not mistaken, the Egyptian Proteus of ancient
+legend is no other than a dancer, whose mimetic skill enables him to adapt
+himself to every character: in the activity of his movements, he is liquid
+as water, rapid as fire; he is the raging lion, the savage panther, the
+trembling bough; he is what he will. The legend takes these data, and
+gives them a supernatural turn,--for mimicry substituting metamorphosis.
+Our modern pantomimes have the same gift, and Proteus himself sometimes
+appears as the subject of their rapid transformations. And it may be
+conjectured that in that versatile lady Empusa we have but another artist
+of the same kind, mythologically treated.
+
+Our attention is next claimed by the Roman dance of the Salii, a
+priesthood drawn from the noblest families; the dance is performed in
+honour of Mars, the most warlike of the Gods, and is of a particularly
+solemn and sacred character. According to a Bithynian legend, which
+agrees well with this Italian institution, Priapus, a war-like divinity
+(probably one of the Titans, or of the Idaean Dactyls, whose profession
+it was to teach the use of arms), was entrusted by Hera with the care of
+her son Ares, who even in childhood was remarkable for his courage and
+ferocity. Priapus would not put weapons into his hands till he had turned
+him out a perfect dancer; and he was rewarded by Hera with a tenth part
+of all Ares's spoils. As to the rites of Dionysus, you know, without my
+telling you, that they consisted in dancing from beginning to end. Of the
+three main types of dance, the cordax, the sicinnis, and the emmelia,
+each was the invention and bore the name of one of the Satyrs, his
+followers. Assisted by this art, and accompanied by these revellers, he
+conquered Tyrrhenians, Indians, Lydians, dancing those warlike tribes
+into submission.
+
+Then beware, my enlightened friend, of the guilt of sacrilege. Will you
+attack the holy mystic art in which so many Gods delight; by which their
+worshippers do them honour; which affords so much pleasure, so much
+useful instruction? To return once more to the poets: when I think of
+your affection for Homer and Hesiod, I am amazed to find you disputing
+the preeminence they assign to the dance. Homer, in enumerating all that
+is sweetest and best, mentions sleep, love, song, and dance; but of these
+dance alone is 'faultless.' He testifies, moreover, to the 'sweetness' of
+song: now our art includes 'sweet song' as well as the 'faultless dance'
+which you take upon you to censure. Again, in another passage we read:
+
+  To one the God hath given warlike deeds:
+  But to another dance and lovely song.
+
+And lovely indeed is the song that accompanies the dance; it is the Gods'
+best gift. Homer seems to divide all things under the two heads of war
+and peace; and among the things of peace he singles out these two as the
+best counterpart to the things of war. Hesiod, not speaking from hearsay,
+but coming fresh from the sight of the Muses' morning dance, has this
+high tribute to them in the beginning of his poem:
+
+  Their dainty feet round the dark waters dance,
+
+about the altar of Zeus.--My dear sir, your onslaught upon the dance is
+little short of blasphemy.
+
+Socrates--that wisest of men, if we may accept the judgement of the
+Pythian oracle--not only approved of dancing, but made a careful study of
+it; and, in his zeal for grace and elegance, for harmonious movement and
+carriage of the body, thought it no shame, reverend sage that he was, to
+rank this among the most important branches of learning. And well might
+he have an enthusiasm for dancing, who scrupled not to study the humblest
+arts; who frequented the schools of the flute-girls, and could stoop to
+learn wisdom from the mouth of an Aspasia. Yet in his days the art was in
+its infancy, its beauties undeveloped. Had Socrates seen the artists who
+have made modern Pantomime what it is, he would assuredly have given it
+his exclusive attention, and assigned it the first place in the education
+of youth.
+
+I think you forget, when you advocate the claims of tragedy and comedy,
+that each of them has its own peculiar form of dance; tragedy its
+emmelia, comedy its cordax, supplemented occasionally by the sicinnis.
+You began by asserting the superiority of tragedy, of comedy, and of the
+periodic performances on flute and lyre, which you pronounce to be
+respectable, because they are included in public competitions. Let us
+take each of these and compare its merits with those of dancing. The
+flute and the lyre, to be sure, we might leave out of the discussion, as
+these have their part to play in the dance.
+
+In forming our estimate of tragedy, let us first consider its externals--
+the hideous, appalling spectacle that the actor presents. His high boots
+raise him up out of all proportion; his head is hidden under an enormous
+mask; his huge mouth gapes upon the audience as if he would swallow them;
+to say nothing of the chest-pads and stomach-pads with which he contrives
+to give himself an artificial corpulence, lest his deficiency in this
+respect should emphasize his disproportionate height. And in the middle
+of it all is the actor, shouting away, now high, now low,--_chanting_ his
+iambics as often as not; could anything be more revolting than this sing-
+song recitation of tragic woes? The actor is a mouthpiece: that is his
+sole responsibility;--the poet has seen to the rest, ages since. From an
+Andromache or a Hecuba, one can endure recitative: but when Heracles
+himself comes upon the stage, and so far forgets himself, and the respect
+due to the lion-skin and club that he carries, as to deliver a solo, no
+reasonable person can deny that such a performance is in execrable taste.
+Then again, your objection to dancing--that men act women's parts--is
+equally applicable to tragedy and comedy, in which indeed there are more
+women than men.
+
+By comedy, the absurdity of the masks--of a Davus, for instance, or a
+Tibius, or a cook--is actually claimed as one of its attractions. On the
+other hand, I need not tell you how decent, how seemly, is the dancer's
+attire; any one who is not blind can see that for himself. His very mask
+is elegant, and well adapted to his part; there is no gaping here; the
+lips are closed, for the dancer has plenty of other voices at his
+service. In old days, dancer and singer were one: but the violent
+exercise caused shortness of breath; the song suffered for it, and it was
+found advisable to have the singing done independently.
+
+As to the subjects treated, they are the same for both, Pantomime
+differing from tragedy only in the infinite variety of its plots, and in
+the superior ingenuity and learning displayed in them. Dancing may not be
+included in our public competitions; but the reason is that the stewards
+regard it as a matter too high and solemn to be subjected to criticism. I
+forbear to add that in one Italian city--the greatest of the Chalcidian
+name--a special lustre has been added to the public games by the
+introduction of a dancing competition.
+
+And now, before I proceed further, I wish to offer an explanation of
+themany omissions I have made, which might otherwise be attributed to
+ignorance. I am well aware that the subject has already been dealt with
+by a number of writers, who have chiefly occupied themselves with a
+description of the various forms of dance, and a catalogue of their
+names, their characters, and their inventors; and this they regard as a
+proof of erudition. Such work I leave to the ambition of dullards and
+pedants, as foreign to my own purpose. I would have you observe, and bear
+in mind, that I do not propose to make a complete history of the art of
+dancing; nor is it my object to enumerate the names of dances, except so
+far as I have already done, in handling a few of the principal types: on
+the contrary, I am chiefly concerned with pointing out the profit and
+pleasure to be derived from modern Pantomime, which did not begin to take
+its present admirable form in ancient days, but only in the time of
+Augustus, or thereabouts. In those earlier times we have but the
+beginnings of the art; the tree is taking root; the flower and the fruit
+have reached their perfection only in our own day, and it is with these
+that I have to do. The tongs-dance, the crane-dance, and others I pass
+over because they are alien to my subject; similarly, if I have said
+nothing of the Phrygian dance,--that riotous convivial fling, which was
+performed by energetic yokels to the piping of a flute-girl, and which
+still prevails in country districts,--I have omitted it not from
+ignorance, but because it has no connexion with the Pantomime of to-day.
+I have the authority of Plato, in his _Laws_, for approving some
+forms of dance and rejecting others; he there examines the dance from the
+two points of view of pleasure and utility, banishes those forms that are
+unseemly, and selects others for his recommendation.
+
+Of dancing then, in the strict sense of the word, I have said enough. To
+enlarge further upon its history would be pedantic. And now I come to the
+pantomime. What must be his qualifications? what his previous training?
+what his studies? what his subsidiary accomplishments? You will find that
+his is no easy profession, nor lightly to be undertaken; requiring as it
+does the highest standard of culture in all its branches, and involving a
+knowledge not of music only, but of rhythm and metre, and above all of
+your beloved philosophy, both natural and moral, the subtleties of
+dialectic alone being rejected as serving no useful purpose. Rhetoric,
+too, in so far as that art is concerned with the exposition of human
+character and human passions, claims a share of its attention. Nor can it
+dispense with the painter's and the sculptor's arts; in its close
+observance of the harmonious proportions that these teach, it is the
+equal of an Apelles or a Phidias. But above all Mnemosyne, and her
+daughter Polyhymnia, must be propitiated by an art that would remember
+all things. Like Calchas in Homer, the pantomime must know all 'that is,
+that was, that shall be'; nothing must escape his ever ready memory.
+Faithfully to represent his subject, adequately to express his own
+conceptions, to make plain all that might be obscure;--these are the
+first essentials for the pantomime, to whom no higher compliment could be
+paid than Thucydides's tribute to Pericles, who, he says, 'could not only
+conceive a wise policy, but render it intelligible to his hearers'; the
+intelligibility, in the present case, depending on clearness of
+gesticulation.
+
+For his materials, he must draw continually, as I have said, upon his
+unfailing memory of ancient story; and memory must be backed by taste and
+judgement. He must know the history of the world, from the time when it
+first emerged from Chaos down to the days of Egyptian Cleopatra. These
+limitations we will concede to the pantomime's wide field of knowledge;
+but within them he must be familiar with every detail:--the mutilation of
+Uranus, the origin of Aphrodite, the battle of Titans, the birth of Zeus,
+Rhea's deception, her substitution of a stone for her child, the binding
+of Cronus, the partition of the world between the three brothers. Again,
+the revolt of the Giants, Prometheus's theft of fire, his creation of
+mankind, and the punishment that followed; the might of Eros and of
+Anteros, the wanderings of the island Delos, the travail of Leto, the
+Python's destruction, the evil design of Tityus, the flight of eagles,
+whereby the earth's centre was discovered. He must know of Deucalion, in
+whose days the whole world suffered shipwreck, of that single chest
+wherein were preserved the remnants of the human race, of the new
+generation born of stones; of the rending of Iacchus, the guile of Hera,
+the fiery death of Semele, the double birth of Dionysus; of Athene and
+Hephaestus and Erichthonius, of the strife for the possession of Athens,
+of Halirrhothius and that first trial on the Areopagus, and all the
+legendary lore of Attica. Above all, the wanderings of Demeter, the
+finding of Persephone, the hospitality of Celeus; Triptolemus's plough,
+Icarius's vineyard, and the sad end of Erigone; the tale of Boreas and
+Orithyia, of Theseus, and of Aegeus; of Medea in Greece, and of her
+flight thereafter into Persia, and of Erechtheus's daughters and
+Pandion's, and all that they did and suffered in Thrace. Acamas, and
+Phyllis, and that first rape of Helen, and the expedition of Castor and
+Pollux against Athens, and the fate of Hippolytus, and the return of the
+Heraclids,--all these may fairly be included in the Athenian mythology,
+from the vast bulk of which I select only these few examples.
+
+Then in Megara we have Nisus, his daughter Scylla, and his purple lock;
+the invasion of Minos, and his ingratitude towards his benefactress. Then
+we come to Cithaeron, and the story of the Thebans, and of the race of
+Labdacus; the settlement of Cadmus on the spot where the cow rested, the
+dragon's teeth from which the Thebans sprang up, the transformation of
+Cadmus into a serpent, the building of the walls of Thebes to the sound
+of Amphion's lyre, the subsequent madness of the builder, the boast of
+Niobe his wife, her silent grief; Pentheus, Actaeon, Oedipus, Heracles;
+his labours and slaughter of his children.
+
+Corinth, again, abounds in legends: of Glauce and of Creon; in earlier
+days, of Bellerophon and Stheneboea, and of the strife between Posidon
+and the Sun; and, later, of the frenzy of Athamas, of Nephele's children
+and their flight through the air on the ram's back, and of the
+deification of Ino and Melicertes. Next comes the story of Pelops's line,
+of all that befell in Mycenae, and before Mycenae was; of Inachus and Io
+and Argus her guardian; of Atreus and Thyestes and Aerope, of the golden
+ram and the marriage of Pelopeia, the murder of Agamemnon and the
+punishment of Clytemnestra; and before their days, the expedition of the
+Seven against Thebes, the reception of the fugitives Tydeus and Polynices
+by their father-in-law Adrastus; the oracle that foretold their fate, the
+unburied slain, the death of Antigone, and that of Menoeceus.
+
+Nor is any story more essential to the pantomime's purpose than that of
+Hypsipyle and Archemorus in Nemea; and, in older days, the imprisonment
+of Danae, the begetting of Perseus, his enterprise against the Gorgons;
+and connected therewith is the Ethiopian narrative of Cassiopea, and
+Cepheus, and Andromeda, all of whom the belief of later generations has
+placed among the stars. To these must be added the ancient legend of
+Aegyptus and Danaus, and of that guilty wedding-night.
+
+Lacedaemon, too, supplies him with many similar subjects: Hyacinth, and
+his rival lovers, Zephyr and Apollo, and the quoit that slew him, the
+flower that sprang up from his blood, and the inscription of woe thereon;
+the raising of Tyndareus from the dead, and the consequent wrath of
+Zeusagainst Asclepius; again, the reception of Paris by Menelaus, and the
+rape of Helen, the sequel to his award of the golden apple. For the
+Spartan mythology must be held to include that of Troy, in all its
+abundance and variety. Of all who fell at Troy, not one but supplies a
+subject for the stage; and all--from the rape of Helen to the return of
+the Greeks--must ever be borne in mind: the wanderings of Aeneas, the
+love of Dido; and side by side with this the story of Orestes, and his
+daring deeds in Scythia. And there are earlier episodes which will not be
+out of place; they are all connected with the tale of Troy: such are the
+seclusion of Achilles in Scyrus, the madness of Odysseus, the solitude of
+Philoctetes, with the whole story of Odysseus's wanderings, of Circe and
+Telegonus, of Aeolus, controller of the winds, down to the vengeance
+wreaked upon the suitors of Penelope; and, earlier, Odysseus's plot
+against Palamedes, the resentment of Nauplius, the frenzy of the one
+Ajax, the destruction of the other on the rocks.
+
+Elis, too, affords many subjects for the intending pantomime: Oenomaus,
+Myrtilus, Cronus, Zeus, and that first Olympian contest. Arcadia, no less
+rich in legendary lore, gives him the flight of Daphne, the
+transformation of Callisto into a bear, the drunken riot of the Centaurs,
+the birth of Pan, the love of Alpheus, and his submarine wanderings.
+
+Extending our view, we find that Crete, too, may be laid under
+contribution: Europa's bull, Pasiphae's, the Labyrinth, Ariadne, Phaedra,
+Androgeos; Daedalus and Icarus; Glaucus, and the prophecy of Polyides;
+and Talos, the island's brazen sentinel.
+
+It is the same with Aetolia: there you will find Althaea, Meleager,
+Atalanta, and the fatal brand; the strife of Achelous with Heracles, the
+birth of the Sirens, the origin of the Echinades, those islands on which
+Alcmaeon dwelt after his frenzy was past; and, following these, the story
+of Nessus, and of Deianira's jealousy, which brought Heracles to the pyre
+upon Oeta. Thrace, too, has much that is indispensable to the pantomime:
+of the head of murdered Orpheus, that sang while it floated down the
+stream upon his lyre; of Haemus and of Rhodope; and of the chastisement
+of Lycurgus.
+
+Thessalian story, richer still, tells of Pelias and Jason; of Alcestis;
+and of the Argo with her talking keel and her crew of fifty youths; of
+what befell them in Lemnos; of Aeetes, Medea's dream, the rending of
+Absyrtus, the eventful flight from Colchis; and, in later days, of
+Protesilaus and Laodamia.
+
+Cross once more to Asia, and Samos awaits you, with the fall of
+Polycrates, and his daughter's flight into Persia; and the ancient story
+of Tantalus's folly, and of the feast that he gave the Gods; of butchered
+Pelops, and his ivory shoulder.
+
+In Italy, we have the Eridanus, Phaethon, and his poplar-sisters, who
+wept tears of amber for his loss.
+
+The pantomime must be familiar, too, with the story of the Hesperides,
+and the dragon that guarded the golden fruit; with burdened Atlas, and
+Geryon, and the driving of the oxen from Erythea; and every tale of
+metamorphosis, of women turned into trees or birds or beasts, or (like
+Caeneus and Tiresias) into men. From Phoenicia he must learn of Myrrha
+and Adonis, who divides Assyria betwixt grief and joy; and in more modern
+times of all that Antipater [Footnote: Not Antipater, but Antiochus, is
+meant.] and Seleucus suffered for the love of Stratonice.
+
+The Egyptian mythology is another matter: it cannot be omitted, but on
+account of its mysterious character it calls for a more symbolical
+exposition;--the legend of Epaphus, for instance, and that of Osiris, and
+the conversion of the Gods into animals; and, in particular, their love
+adventures, including those of Zeus himself, with his various
+transformations.
+
+Hades still remains to be added, with all its tragic tale of guilt and
+the punishment of guilt, and the loyal friendship that brought Theseus
+thither with Pirithous. In a word, all that Homer and Hesiod and our best
+poets, especially the tragedians, have sung,--all must be known to the
+pantomime. From the vast, nay infinite, mass of mythology, I have made
+this trifling selection of the more prominent legends; leaving the rest
+for poets to celebrate, for pantomimes to exhibit, and for your
+imagination to supply from the hints already given; and all this the
+artist must have stored up in his memory, ready to be produced when
+occasion demands.
+
+Since it is his profession to imitate, and to show forth his subject by
+means of gesticulation, he, like the orators, must acquire lucidity;
+every scene must be intelligible without the aid of an interpreter; to
+borrow the expression of the Pythian oracle,
+
+  Dumb though he be, and speechless, he is heard
+
+by the spectator. According to the story, this was precisely the
+experience of the Cynic Demetrius. He had inveighed against Pantomime in
+just your own terms. The pantomime, he said, was a mere appendage to
+flute and pipe and beating feet; he added nothing to the action; his
+gesticulations were aimless nonsense; there was no meaning in them;
+people were hoodwinked by the silken robes and handsome mask, by the
+fluting and piping and the fine voices, which served to set off what in
+itself was nothing. The leading pantomime of the day--this was in Nero's
+reign--was apparently a man of no mean intelligence; unsurpassed, in
+fact, in wideness of range and in grace of execution. Nothing, I think,
+could be more reasonable than the request he made of Demetrius, which
+was, to reserve his decision till he had witnessed his performance, which
+he undertook to go through without the assistance of flute or song. He
+was as good as his word. The time-beaters, the flutes, even the chorus,
+were ordered to preserve a strict silence; and the pantomime, left to his
+own resources, represented the loves of Ares and Aphrodite, the tell-tale
+Sun, the craft of Hephaestus, his capture of the two lovers in the net,
+the surrounding Gods, each in his turn, the blushes of Aphrodite, the
+embarrassment of Ares, his entreaties,--in fact the whole story.
+Demetrius was ravished at the spectacle; nor could there be higher praise
+than that with which he rewarded the performer. 'Man,' he shrieked at the
+top of his voice, 'this is not seeing, but hearing and seeing, both:'tis
+as if your hands were tongues!'
+
+And before we leave Nero's times, I must tell you of the high tribute
+paid to the art by a foreigner of the royal family of Pontus, who was
+visiting the Emperor on business, and had been among the spectators of
+this same pantomime. So convincing were the artist's gestures, as to
+render the subject intelligible even to one who (being half a Greek)
+could not follow the vocal accompaniment. When he was about to return to
+his country, Nero, in taking leave of him, bade him choose what present
+he would have, assuring him that his request should not be refused. 'Give
+me,' said the Pontian, 'your great pantomime; no gift could delight me
+more.' 'And of what use can he be to you in Pontus?' asked the Emperor.
+'I have foreign neighbours, who do not speak our language; and it is not
+easy to procure interpreters. Your pantomime could discharge that office
+perfectly, as often as required, by means of his gesticulations.' So
+profoundly had he been impressed with the extraordinary clearness of
+pantomimic representation.
+
+The pantomime is above all things an actor: that is his first aim, in the
+pursuit of which (as I have observed) he resembles the orator, and
+especially the composer of 'declamations,' whose success, as the
+pantomime knows, depends like his own upon verisimilitude, upon the
+adaptation of language to character: prince or tyrannicide, pauper or
+farmer, each must be shown with the peculiarities that belong to him. I
+must give you the comment of another foreigner on this subject. Seeing
+five masks laid ready--that being the number of parts in the piece--and
+only one pantomime, he asked who were going to play the other parts. He
+was informed that the whole piece would be performed by a single actor.
+'Your humble servant, sir,' cries our foreigner to the artist; 'I observe
+that you have but one body: it had escaped me, that you possessed several
+souls.'
+
+The term 'pantomime,' which was introduced by the Italian Greeks, is an
+apt one, and scarcely exaggerates the artist's versatility. 'Oh boy,'
+cries the poet, in a beautiful passage,
+
+  As that sea-beast, whose hue
+  With each new rock doth suffer change,
+  So let thy mind free range
+  Through ev'ry land, shaping herself anew.
+
+Most necessary advice, this, for the pantomime, whose task it is to
+identify himself with his subject, and make himself part and parcel of
+the scene that he enacts. It is his profession to show forth human
+character and passion in all their variety; to depict love and anger,
+frenzy and grief, each in its due measure. Wondrous art!--on the same
+day, he is mad Athamas and shrinking Ino; he is Atreus, and again he is
+Thyestes, and next Aegisthus or Aerope; all one man's work.
+
+Other entertainments of eye or ear are but manifestations of a single
+art: 'tis flute or lyre or song; 'tis moving tragedy or laughable comedy.
+The pantomime is all-embracing in the variety of his equipment: flute and
+pipe, beating foot and clashing cymbal, melodious recitative, choral
+harmony. Other arts call out only one half of a man's powers--the bodily
+or the mental: the pantomime combines the two. His performance is as much
+an intellectual as a physical exercise: there is meaning in his
+movements; every gesture has its significance; and therein lies his chief
+excellence. The enlightened Lesbonax of Mytilene called pantomimes
+'manual philosophers,' and used to frequent the theatre, in the
+conviction that he came out of it a better man than he went in. And
+Timocrates, his teacher, after accidentally witnessing a pantomimic
+performance, exclaimed: 'How much have I lost by my scrupulous devotion
+to philosophy!' I know not what truth there may be in Plato's analysis of
+the soul into the three elements of spirit, appetite, and reason: but
+each of the three is admirably illustrated by the pantomime; he shows us
+the angry man, he shows us the lover, and he shows us every passion under
+the control of reason; this last--like touch among the senses--is all-
+pervading. Again, in his care for beauty and grace of movement, have we
+not an illustration of the Aristotelian principle, which makes beauty a
+third part of Good? Nay, I once heard some one hazard a remark, to the
+effect that the philosophy of Pantomime went still further, and that in
+the _silence_ of the characters a Pythagorean doctrine was shadowed
+forth.
+
+All professions hold out some object, either of utility or of pleasure:
+Pantomime is the only one that secures both these objects; now the
+utility that is combined with pleasure is doubled in value. Who would
+choose to look on at a couple of young fellows spilling their blood in a
+boxing-match, or wrestling in the dust, when he may see the same subject
+represented by the pantomime, with the additional advantages of safety
+and elegance, and with far greater pleasure to the spectator? The
+vigorous movements of the pantomime--turn and twist, bend and spring--
+afford at once a gratifying spectacle to the beholder and a wholesome
+training to the performer; I maintain that no gymnastic exercise is its
+equal for beauty and for the uniform development of the physical powers,
+--of agility, suppleness, and elasticity, as of solid strength.
+
+Consider then the universality of this art: it sharpens the wits, it
+exercises the body, it delights the spectator, it instructs him in the
+history of bygone days, while eye and ear are held beneath the spell of
+flute and cymbal and of graceful dance. Would you revel in sweet song?
+Nowhere can you procure that enjoyment in greater variety and perfection.
+Would you listen to the clear melody of flute and pipe? Again the
+pantomime supplies you. I say nothing of the excellent moral influence of
+public opinion, as exercised in the theatre, where you will find the
+evil-doer greeted with execration, and his victim with sympathetic tears.
+The pantomime's most admirable quality I have yet to mention,--his
+combination of strength and suppleness of limb; it is as if brawny
+Heracles and soft Aphrodite were presented to us in one and the same
+person.
+
+I now propose to sketch out the mental and physical qualifications
+necessary for a first-rate pantomime. Most of the former, indeed, I have
+already mentioned: he must have memory, sensibility, shrewdness, rapidity
+of conception, tact, and judgement; further, he must be a critic of
+poetry and song, capable of discerning good music and rejecting bad. For
+his body, I think I may take the Canon of Polyclitus as my model. He must
+be perfectly proportioned: neither immoderately tall nor dwarfishly
+short; not too fleshy (a most unpromising quality in one of his
+profession) nor cadaverously thin. Let me quote you certain comments of
+the people of Antioch, who have a happy knack in expressing their views
+on such subjects. They are a most intelligent people, and devoted to
+Pantomime; each individual is all eyes and ears for the performance; not
+a word, not a gesture escapes them. Well, when a small man came on in the
+character of Hector, they cried out with one voice: 'Here is Astyanax;
+and where is Hector?' On another occasion, an exceedingly tall man was
+taking the part of Capaneus scaling the walls of Thebes; 'Step over'
+suggested the audience; 'you need no ladder.' The well-meant activity of
+a fat and heavy dancer was met with earnest entreaties to 'spare the
+platform'; while a thin performer was recommended to 'take care of his
+health.' I mention these criticisms, not on account of their humorous
+character, but as an illustration of the profound interest that whole
+cities have sometimes taken in Pantomime, and of their ability to discern
+its merits and demerits.
+
+Another essential for the pantomime is ease of movement. His frame must
+be at once supple and well-knit, to meet the opposite requirements of
+agility and firmness. That he is no stranger to the science of the
+boxing--and the wrestling-ring, that he has his share of the athletic
+accomplishments of Hermes and Pollux and Heracles, you may convince
+yourself by observing his renderings of those subjects. The eyes,
+according to Herodotus, are more credible witnesses than the ears; though
+the pantomime, by the way, appeals to both kinds of evidence.
+
+Such is the potency of his art, that the amorous spectator is cured of
+his infirmity by perceiving the evil effects of passion, and he who
+enters the theatre under a load of sorrow departs from it with a serene
+countenance, as though he had drunk of that draught of forgetfulness
+
+  That lulls all pain and wrath.
+
+How natural is his treatment of his subjects, how intelligible to every
+one of his audience, may be judged from the emotion of the house whenever
+anything is represented that calls for sorrow or compassion. The Bacchic
+form of Pantomime, which is particularly popular in Ionia and Pontus, in
+spite of its being confined to satyric subjects has taken such possession
+of those peoples, that, when the Pantomime season comes round in each
+city, they leave all else and sit for whole days watching Titans and
+Corybantes, Satyrs and neat-herds. Men of the highest rank and position
+are not ashamed to take part in these performances: indeed, they pride
+themselves more on their pantomimic skill than on birth and ancestry and
+public services.
+
+Now that we know what are the qualities that a good pantomime ought to
+possess, let us next consider the faults to which he is liable.
+Deficiencies of person I have already handled; and the following I think
+is a fair statement of their mental imperfections. Pantomimes cannot all
+be artists; there are plenty of ignorant performers, who bungle their
+work terribly. Some cannot adapt themselves to their music; they are
+literally 'out of tune'; rhythm says one thing, their feet another.
+Others are free from this fault, but jumble up their chronology. I
+remember the case of a man who was giving the birth of Zeus, and Cronus
+eating his own children: seduced by the similarity of subject, he ran off
+into the tale of Atreus and Thyestes. In another case, Semele was just
+being struck by the lightning, when she was transformed into Creusa, who
+was not even born at that time. Still, it seems to me that we have no
+right to visit the sins of the artist upon the art: let us recognize him
+for the blunderer that he is, and do justice to the accuracy and skill of
+competent performers.
+
+The fact is, the pantomime must be completely armed at every point. His
+work must be one harmonious whole, perfect in balance and proportion,
+self-consistent, proof against the most minute criticism; there must be
+no flaws, everything must be of the best; brilliant conception, profound
+learning, above all human sympathy. When every one of the spectators
+identifies himself with the scene enacted, when each sees in the
+pantomime as in a mirror the reflection of his own conduct and feelings,
+then, and not till then, is his success complete. But let him reach that
+point, and the enthusiasm of the spectators becomes uncontrollable, every
+man pouring out his whole soul in admiration of the portraiture that
+reveals him to himself. Such a spectacle is no less than a fulfilment of
+the oracular injunction KNOW THYSELF; men depart from it with increased
+knowledge; they have learnt something that is to be sought after,
+something that should be eschewed.
+
+But in Pantomime, as in rhetoric, there can be (to use a popular phrase)
+too much of a good thing; a man may exceed the proper bounds of
+imitation; what should be great may become monstrous, softness may be
+exaggerated into effeminacy, and the courage of a man into the ferocity
+of a beast. I remember seeing this exemplified in the case of an actor of
+repute. In most respects a capable, nay, an admirable performer, some
+strange fatality ran him a-ground upon this reef of over-enthusiasm. He
+was acting the madness of Ajax, just after he has been worsted by
+Odysseus; and so lost control of himself, that one might have been
+excused for thinking his madness was something more than feigned. He tore
+the clothes from the back of one of the iron-shod time-beaters, snatched
+a flute from the player's hands, and brought it down in such trenchant
+sort upon the head of Odysseus, who was standing by enjoying his triumph,
+that, had not his cap held good, and borne the weight of the blow, poor
+Odysseus must have fallen a victim to histrionic frenzy. The whole house
+ran mad for company, leaping, yelling, tearing their clothes. For the
+illiterate riffraff, who knew not good from bad, and had no idea of
+decency, regarded it as a supreme piece of acting; and the more
+intelligent part of the audience, realizing how things stood, concealed
+their disgust, and instead of reproaching the actor's folly by silence,
+smothered it under their plaudits; they saw only too clearly that it was
+not Ajax but the pantomime who was mad. Nor was our spirited friend
+content till he had distinguished himself yet further: descending from
+the stage, he seated himself in the senatorial benches between two
+consulars, who trembled lest he should take one of them for a ram and
+apply the lash. The spectators were divided between wonder and amusement;
+and some there were who suspected that his ultra-realism had culminated
+in reality. However, it seems that when he came to his senses again he
+bitterly repented of this exploit, and was quite ill from grief,
+regarding his conduct as that of a veritable madman, as is clear from his
+own words. For when his partisans begged him to repeat the performance,
+he recommended another actor for the part of Ajax, saying that 'it was
+enough for him to have been mad once.' His mortification was increased by
+the success of his rival, who, though a similar part had been written for
+him, played it with admirable judgement and discretion, and was
+complimented on his observance of decorum, and of the proper bounds of
+his art.
+
+I hope, my dear Crato, that this cursory description of the Pantomime may
+mitigate your wrath against its devoted admirer. If you can bring
+yourself to bear me company to the theatre, you will be captivated; you
+will run Pantomime-mad. I shall have no occasion to exclaim, with Circe,
+
+  Strange, that my drugs have wrought no change in thee!
+
+The change will come; but will not involve an ass's head, nor a pig's
+heart, but only an improved understanding. In your delight at the potion,
+you will drain it off, and leave not a drop for any one else. Homer says,
+of the golden wand of Hermes, that with it he
+
+  charms the eyes of men,
+  When so he will, and rouses them that sleep.
+
+So it is with Pantomime. It charms the eyes-to wakefulness; and quickens
+the mental faculties at every turn.
+
+_Cr_. Enough, Lycinus: behold your convert! My eyes and ears are
+opened. When next you go to the theatre, remember to take a seat for me
+next your own. I too would issue from those doors a wiser man.
+
+
+
+
+LEXIPHANES
+
+
+_Lycinus. Lexiphanes. Sopolis_
+
+_Ly_. What, our exquisite with his essay?
+
+_Lex_. Ah, Lycinus, 'tis but a fledgeling of mine; 'tis all
+incondite.
+
+_Ly_. O ho, conduits--that is your subject, is it?
+
+_Lex_. You mistake me; I said nothing of conduits; you are behind the
+times; incondite--'tis the word we use now when a thing lacks the
+finishing touches. But you are the deaf adder that stoppeth her ears.
+
+_Ly_. I beg your pardon, my dear fellow; but conduit, incondite, you
+know. Well now, what is the idea of your piece?
+
+_Lex_. A symposium, a modest challenge to the son of Ariston.
+
+_Ly_. There are a good many sons of Aristons; but, from the symposium, I
+presume you mean Plato.
+
+_Lex_. You take me; what I said could fit no other.
+
+_Ly_. Well, come, read me a little of it; do not send me away thirsty; I
+see there is nectar in store.
+
+_Lex_. Ironist, avaunt! And now open your ears to my charming; adder me no
+adders.
+
+_Ly_. Go ahead; I am no Adam, nor Eve either.
+
+_Lex_. Have an eye to my conduct of the discourse, whether it be fair in
+commencement, fair in speech, fair in diction, fair in nomenclature.
+
+_Ly_. Oh, we know what to expect from Lexiphanes. But come, begin.
+
+_Lex_. _'Then to dinner,' quoth Callicles, 'then to our post-prandial
+deambulation in the Lyceum; but now 'tis time for our parasolar unction,
+ere we bask and bathe and take our nuncheon; go we our way. Now, boy,
+strigil and mat, towels and soap; transport me them bathwards, and
+see to the bath-penny; you will find it a-ground by the chest. And thou,
+Lexiphanes, comest thou, or tarriest here?' 'Its a thousand years,'
+quoth I, 'till I bathe; for I am in no comfort, with sore posteriors from
+my mule-saddle. Trod the mule-man as on eggs, yet kept his beast a-moving.
+And when I got to the farm, still no peace for the wicked. I found the
+hinds shrilling the harvest-song, and there were persons burying my
+father, I think it was. I just gave them a hand with the grave and things,
+and then I left them; it was so cold, and I had prickly heat; one does,
+you know, in a hard frost. So I went round the plough-lands; and there I
+found garlic growing, delved radishes, culled chervil and all herbs,
+bought parched barley, and (for not yet had the meadows reached the
+redolency that tempts the ten toes)-so to mule-back again; whence this
+tenderness behind. And now I walk with pain, and the sweat runs down; my
+bones languish, and yearn for the longest of water-swims; 'tis ever my joy
+to wash me after toil.
+
+I will speed back to my boy; 'tis like he waits for me at the pease-
+puddingry, or the curiosity shop; yet stay; his instructions were to meet
+me at the frippery. Ah, hither comes he in the nick of time: ay, and has
+purchased a beesting-pudding and girdle-cakes and leeks, sausages and
+steak, dewlap and tripe and collops.--Good, Atticion, you have made most
+of my journey no thoroughfare.' 'Why, sir, I have been looking round the
+corner for you till I squint. Where dined you yesterday? with
+Onomacritus?' 'God bless me, no. I was off to the country; hey presto!
+and there we were. You know how I dote on the country. I suppose you all
+thought I was making the glasses ring. Now go in, and spice all these
+things, and scour the kneading-trough, ready to shred the lettuces. I
+shall be of for a dry rub.'
+
+'We are with you,' cried Philinus, 'Onomarchus, Hellanicus, and I; the
+dial's mid point is in shadow; beware, or we shall bathe in the
+Carimants' water, huddled and pushed by the vulgar herd.' Then said
+Hellanicus: 'Ah, and my eyes are disordered; my pupils are turbid, I wink
+and blink, the tears come unbidden, my eyes crave the ophthalmic leech's
+healing drug, mortar-brayed and infused, that they may blush and blear no
+more, nor moistly peer.'
+
+In such wise conversing, all our company departed. Arrived at the
+gymnasium, we stripped; the finger-wrench, the garotte, the standing-
+grip, each had its votaries; one oiled and suppled his joints; another
+punched the bladder; a third heaved and swung the dumb-bells. Then, when
+we had rubbed ourselves, and ridden pick-a-back, and had our sport of the
+gymnasium, we took our plunge, Philinus and I, in the warm basin, and
+departed. But the rest dipped frigid heads, soused in, and swam
+subaqueous, a wonder to behold. Then back we came, and one here, one
+there, did this and that. Shod, with toothed comb I combed me. For I had
+had a short crop, not to convict-measure, but saucer-wise, deflation
+having set in on crown and chin-tip. One chewed lupines, another cleared
+his fasting throat, a third took fish soup on radish-wafer sippets; this
+ate olives, that supped down barley.
+
+When it was dinner-time, we took it reclining, both chairs and couches
+standing ready. A joint-stock meal it was, and the contributions many and
+various. Pigs' pettitoes, ribs of beef, paunch and pregnant womb of sow,
+fried liver lobe, garlic paste, sauce piquante, mayonnaise, and so on;
+pastry, ramequins, and honey-cakes. In the aquatic line, much of the
+cartilaginous, of the testaceous much; many a salt slice, basket-hawked,
+eels of Copae, fowls of the barn-door, a cock past crowing-days, and fish
+to keep him company; add to these a sheep roast whole, and ox's rump of
+toothless eld. The loaves were firsts, no common stuff, and therewithal
+remainders from the new moon; vegetables both radical and excrescent. For
+the wine, 'twas of no standing, but came from the skin; its sweetness was
+gone, but its roughness remained.
+
+On the dolphin-foot table stood divers store of cups; the eye-shutter,
+the ladle, slender-handled, genuine Mentor; crane-neck and gurgling
+bombyl; and many an earth-born child of Thericlean furnace, the wide-
+mouthed, the kindly-lipped; Phocaean, Cnidian work, but all light as air,
+and thin as eggshell; bowls and pannikins and posied cups; oh, 'twas a
+well-stocked sideboard.
+
+But the kettle boiled over, and sent the ashes flying about our heads. It
+was bumpers and no heeltaps, and we were full to the throat. Then to the
+nard; and enter to us guitar and light fantastic toe. Thereafter, one
+shinned up the ladder, on post-prandial japery intent, another beat the
+devil's tattoo, a third writhed cachinnatory.
+
+At this moment broke in upon us from the bath, all uninvited, Megalonymus
+the attorney, Chaereas the goldsmith, striped back and all, and the
+bruiser Eudemus. I asked them what they were about to come so late. Quoth
+Chaereas; 'I was working a locket and ear-rings and bangles for my
+daughter; that is why I come after the fair.' 'I was otherwise engaged,'
+said Megalonymus; 'know you not that it was a lawless day and a dumb? So,
+as it was linguistice, there was truce to my calendarial clockings and
+plea-mensurations. But hearing the governor was giving a warm reception,
+I took my shiniest clothes, fresh from the tailor, and my unmatched
+shoes, and showed myself out.
+
+'The first I met were a torch-bearer, a hierophant, and others of the
+initiated, haling Dinias before the judge, and protesting that he had
+called them by their names, though he well knew that, from the time of
+their sanctification, they were nameless, and no more to be named but by
+hallowed names; so then he appealed to me.' 'Dinias?' I put in; 'Who is
+Dinias?' 'Oh, he's a dance-for-your-supper carry-your-luggage rattle-
+your-patter gaming-house sort of man; eschews the barber, and takes care
+of his poor chest and toes.' 'Well,' said I, 'paid he the penalty in some
+wise, or showed a clean pair of heels?' 'Our delicate goer is now fast
+bound. The governor, regardless of his retiring disposition, slipped him
+on a pair of bracelets and a necklace, and brought him acquainted with
+stocks and boot. The poor worm quaked for fear, and could not contain
+himself, and offered money, if so he might save his soul alive.'
+
+'As for me,' said Eudemus, 'I was sent for in the gloaming by Damasias,
+the athlete many-victoried of yore, now pithless from age; you know him
+in bronze in the market. He was busy with roast and boiled. He was this
+day to exdomesticate his daughter, and was decking her out for her
+husband, when a baleful incident occurred, which cleft the feast in
+twain. For Dion his son, on grievance unknown, if it were not rather the
+hostility of Heaven, hanged himself; and be sure he was a dead man, had I
+not been there, and dislocated and loosed him from his implication. Long
+time I squatted a-knee, pricking and rocking, and sounding him, to see
+whether his throat was still whole. What profited most was compressure of
+the extremities with both my hands.'
+
+'What, Dion the effeminate, the libertine, the debauchee, the mastich-
+chewer, the too susceptible to amorous sights?' 'Yes; the lecher and
+whore-master. Well, Damasias fell down and worshipped the Goddess (they
+have an Artemis by Scopas in the middle of the court), he and his old
+white-headed wife, and implored her compassion. The Goddess straightway
+nodded assent, and he was well; and now he is their Theodorus, or indeed
+their manifest Artemidorus. So they made offerings to her, among them
+darts and bows and arrows; for these are acceptable in her sight; bow-
+woman she, far-dartress, telepolemic'
+
+'Let us drink, then' said Megalonymus; 'here have I brought you a flagon
+of antiquated wine, with cream cheese and windfall olives--I keep them
+under seal, and the seals are worm-eaten--and others brine-steeped, and
+these fictile cups, thin-edged, firm-based, that we might drink
+therefrom, and a pasty of tripe rolled like a top-knot.--Now, you sir,
+pour me in some more water; if my head begins to ache, I shall be sending
+for your master to talk to you.--You know, gentlemen, what megrims I get,
+and what a numskull mine is. After drinking, we will chirp a little as is
+our wont; 'tis not amiss to prate in one's cups'
+
+'So be it,' quoth I; 'we are the very pink and perfection of the true
+Attic' 'Done with you!' says Callicles, 'frequent quizzings are a
+whetstone of conversation' 'For my part,' cries Eudemus, '--it grows
+chill--I like my liquor stronger, and more of it; I am deathly cold; if I
+could get some warmth into me, I had rather listen to these light-
+fingered gentry of flute and lyre.' 'What is this you say, Eudemus?' says
+I; 'You would exact mutation from us? are we so hard-mouthed, so
+untongued? For my tongue, 'tis garriturient. I was just getting under
+way, and making ready to hail you with a fine old Attic shower. 'Tis as
+if a three-master were sailing before the breeze, with stay-sails wind-
+bellied, scudding along wave-skimming, and you should throw out two-
+tongued anchorage and iron stoppers and ship-fetters, and block her
+foaming course, in envy of her fair-windedness.' 'Why then, if you will,
+splash and dash and crash through the waves; and I upsoaring, and
+drinking the while, will watch like Homer's Zeus from some bald-crowned
+hill or from Heaven-top, while you and your ship are swept along with the
+wind behind you.'_
+
+_Ly_. Thanks, Lexiphanes; enough of drink and reading. I assure you
+I am full beyond my capacity as it is; if I do not succeed in quickly
+unloading my stomach of what you have put into it, there is not a doubt I
+shall go raving mad under the intoxication of your exuberant verbosity.
+At first I was inclined to be amused; but there is such a lot of it, and
+all just alike; I pity you now, poor misguided one, trapped in your
+endless maze, sick unto death, a prey to melancholia.
+
+Where in the world can you have raked up all this rubbish from? How long
+has it taken you? Or what sort of a hive could ever keep together such a
+swarm of lop-sided monstrosities? Of some you are the proud creator, the
+rest you have dug up from dark lurking-places, till 'tis
+
+  Curse on you, piling woe on mortal woe!
+
+How have you gathered all the minor sewers into one cloaca maxima, and
+discharged the whole upon my innocent head! Have you never a friend or
+relation or well-wisher? Did you never meet a plain-dealer to give you a
+dose of candour? That would have cured you. You are dropsical, man; you
+are like to burst with it; and you take it for muscular healthy
+stoutness; you are congratulated only by the fools who do not see what is
+the matter; the instructed cannot help being sorry for you.
+
+But here in good time comes Sopolis; we will put you in the good doctor's
+hands, tell him all about it, and see if anything can be done for you. He
+is a clever man; he has taken many a helpless semi-lunatic like you in
+hand and dosed him into sanity.--Good day, Sopolis. Lexiphanes here is a
+friend of mine, you know. Now I want you to undertake his case; he
+is afflicted with a delirious affection of the vocal organs, and I fear
+a complete breakdown. Pray take measures to cure him.
+
+_Lex_. Heal him, not me, Sopolis; he is manifestly moon-struck; persons
+duly pia-matered he accounts beside their five wits; he might come from
+Samos and call Mnesarchus father; for he enjoins silence and linguinanity.
+But by the unabashed Athene, by Heracles the beast-killer, no jot or
+tittle of notice shall he have from me. 'Tis my foreboding that I fall not
+in with him again. For his censures, I void my rheum upon them.
+
+_Sop_. What is the matter with him, Lycinus?
+
+_Ly_. Why, _this_ is the matter; don't you hear? He leaves us his
+contemporaries, and goes a thousand years off to talk to us, which he
+does by aid of these tongue-gymnastics and extraordinary compounds--
+prides himself upon it, too, as if it were a great thing to disguise
+yourself, and mutilate the conversational currency.
+
+_Sop_. Well, to be sure, this is a serious case; we must do all we
+can for him. Providentially, here is an emetic I had just mixed for a
+bilious patient; here, Lexiphanes, drink it off; the other man can wait;
+let us purge you of this vocal derangement, and get you a clean bill of
+health. Come along, down with it; you will feel much easier.
+
+_Lex_. I know not what you would be at, you and Lycinus, with your
+drenches; I fear me you are more like to end than mend my speech.
+
+_Ly_. Drink, quick; it will make a man of you in thought and word.
+
+_Lex_. Well, if I must. Lord, what is this? How it rumbles! I must have
+swallowed a ventriloquist.
+
+_Sop_. Now, let it come. Look, look! Here comes _in sooth, anon_ follows,
+close upon them _quoth he, withal, sirrah, I trow,_ and a general
+sprinkling of _sundry_. But try again; tickle your throat; that will help.
+_Hard, by_ has not come up yet, nor _a-weary_, nor _rehearse_, nor
+_quandary_. Oh, there are lots of them lurking yet, a whole stomachful. It
+would be well to get rid of some of them by purging; there should be an
+impressive explosion when _orotundity_ makes its windy exit. However, he
+is pretty well cleaned out, except for what may be left in the lower
+bowels. Lycinus, I shall now leave him in your charge; teach him better
+ways, and tell him what are the right words to use.
+
+_Ly_. I will, Sopolis; and thank you for clearing the way. Now,
+Lexiphanes, listen to me. If you want sincere commendations upon your
+style, and success with popular audiences, give a wide berth to that sort
+of stuff. Make a beginning with the great poets, read them with some one
+to help you, then go on to the orators, and when you have assimilated
+their vocabulary, proceed in due time to Thucydides and Plato, not
+forgetting a thorough course also of pleasant Comedy and grave Tragedy.
+When you have culled the best that all these can show, you may reckon
+that you have a style. You have not realized it, but at present you are
+like the toymen's dolls, all gaudy colouring outside, and inside, fragile
+clay.
+
+If you will take this advice, put up for a little while with being called
+uneducated, and not be ashamed to mend your ways, you may face an
+audience without a tremor; you will not then be a laughing-stock any
+more; the cultivated will no longer exercise their irony upon you and
+nickname you the Hellene and the Attic just because you are less
+intelligible than many barbarians. But above all things, do bear in mind
+not to ape the worst tricks of the last generation's professors; you are
+always nibbling at their wares; put your foot upon them once for all, and
+take the ancients for your model. And no dallying with unsubstantial
+flowers of speech; accustom yourself, like the athletes, to solid food.
+And let your devotions be paid to the Graces and to Lucidity, whom you
+have so neglected.
+
+Further, put a stopper on bombast and grandiloquence and mannerism; be
+neither supercilious nor overbearing; cease to carp at other people's
+performances and to count their loss your gain. And then, perhaps the
+greatest of all your errors is this: instead of arranging your matter
+first, and then elaborating the diction, you find some out-of-the-way
+word, or are captivated by one of your own invention, and try to build up
+your meaning round it; if you cannot get it in somehow or other, though
+it may have nothing to do with the matter, you are inconsolable; do you
+remember the _mobled queen_ you let off the other day? It was quite
+off the point, and you did not know what it meant yourself; however, its
+oddness tickled the ears of the ignorant many; as for the cultivated,
+they were equally amused at you and at your admirers.
+
+Again, could anything be more ludicrous than for one who claims to be a
+purist, drawing from the undefiled fountain of antiquity, to mix in
+(though indeed that reverses the proportion) expressions that would be
+impossible to the merest schoolboy? I felt as if I should like the earth
+to swallow me up, when I heard you talk of a man's _chemise_, and use
+_valet_ of a woman; who does not know that a man wears a shirt, and that a
+valet is male? But you abound in far more flagrant blunders than these: I
+have _chidden_, not _chode_ you; we do not _write_ a friend, we _write to_
+him; we say _'onest_, not _honest_; these usages of yours cannot claim
+even alien rights among us. Moreover, we do not like even poetry to read
+like the dictionary. But the sort of poetry to which your prose
+corresponds would be Dosiadas's _Altar_, Lycophron's _Alexandra_, or any
+more pestilent pedantry that may happen to exist. If you take the pains to
+unlearn all this, you will have done the best you can for yourself. If you
+let yourself be seduced by your sweet baits again, I have at least put in
+my word of warning, and you will have only yourself to blame when you find
+yourself on the downward path.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Works, V2, by Lucian of Samosata
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WORKS, V2 ***
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