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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1f64345 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #66345 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/66345) diff --git a/old/66345-0.txt b/old/66345-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 09d5efe..0000000 --- a/old/66345-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,9351 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, -Volume XII, by Ambrose Bierce - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this eBook. - -Title: The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, Volume XII - -Author: Ambrose Bierce - -Release Date: September 19, 2021 [eBook #66345] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -Produced by: Emmanuel Ackerman, Robert Tonsing and the Online Distributed - Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was - produced from images generously made available by The Internet - Archive) - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE COLLECTED WORKS OF AMBROSE -BIERCE, VOLUME XII *** - - - - - THE COLLECTED WORKS - OF AMBROSE BIERCE - - VOLUME XII - - [Illustration: N] - - _The publishers certify that this edition of_ - - THE COLLECTED WORKS OF - AMBROSE BIERCE - - _consists of two hundred and fifty numbered sets, autographed by - the author, and that the number of this set is_ ...... - - - - - THE COLLECTED - WORKS OF - AMBROSE BIERCE - - VOLUME XII - - IN MOTLEY - - KINGS OF BEASTS - TWO ADMINISTRATIONS - MISCELLANEOUS - - [Illustration] - - NEW YORK & WASHINGTON - THE NEALE PUBLISHING COMPANY - 1912 - - _FREDERICK_ _POLLEY_ - - COPYRIGHT, 1912, BY - The Neale Publishing Company - - - - - CONTENTS - - - KINGS OF BEASTS - - THE RAT - BUTTYGOATS - CATS - THE CRANE - THE SNAKE - FROGS - DOGS - THE PIG - KANGAROONS - EPHALENTS - THE TOOTSY WOOTSY - GRASS HOPPERS - DOMESTICAL HENS - THE BUFLO - SHEEPS - DUCKS - THE NUMPORAUCUS - MOLES - THE GOFURIOUS - THE RHI NOSEY ROSE - SWANS - THE HIPPORIPPUS - JACKUSSES - SOLJERS - FISH - THE POL PATRIOT - COWS - BUZARDS - THE CAMEL - FLIES - MUNKYS - BEARS - THE TAIL END - - - TWO ADMINISTRATIONS - - A PROVISIONAL SETTLEMENT - ASPIRANTS THREE - AT SANTIAGO - A CABINET CONFERENCE - AN INDEMNITY - FOR INTERVENTION - THE ORDEAL - FROSTING A BUD - A BAFFLED AMBITION - THE GENESIS OF A NATION - A WHITE HOUSE IDYL - TWO FAVORITES - A DIPLOMATIC TRIUMPH - A SUCKED ORANGE - A TWISTED TALE - POST MORTEM - A STRAINED RELATION - A WIRELESS ANTEPENULTIMATUM - A PRESIDENTIAL PROGRESS - - - MISCELLANEOUS - - THE SAMPLE COUNTER - THE GREAT STRIKE OF 1895 - A THUMB-NAIL SKETCH - MORTALITY IN THE FOOT-HILLS - THE A. L. C. B. - TWO CONVERSATIONS - A STORY AT THE CLUB - THE WIZARD OF BUMBASSA - THE FUTURE HISTORIAN - OBJECTIVE IDEAS - MY CREDENTIALS - THE FOOL - OUR SMART SET - THE EVOLUTION OF A STORY - THE ALLOTMENT - LACKING FACTORS - A CALIFORNIAN STATESMAN - - - - - KINGS OF BEASTS - BY - LITTLE JOHNNY - - (Edited to a Low and Variable Degree - of Intelligibility by the Author’s - Uncle Edward.) - - - - - THE RAT - - -Rats is radiants and the little ones is a mouse, and thats the feller -which pursues the women folks up into a high tree and blankets on her -blood! But the old he rat eats bread and cheese like a thing of life. - -One day my mother she baited a trap with Dutch cheese, for to catch -a rat. My father he looked on a while, and then he said, my father -did: “I guess there isnt any doubt about the rat finding that deadly -invention if he follers his nose, and I foresee his finish, but what is -the trap for?” - -Rats is two kinds, the common and the mush. The common is the scourge -of the world, but the mush he lives in the water and is highly -respected. The fur of the mush is a article of commerce and keeps your -hands warm when winter stalks abroad like a devouring kangaroon. If -I was a mush I would keep my fur for my own self and say: “You fool -humans can stay in the house and stand by the fire.” But Uncle Ned he -says that would be bad for athletical sports, why not let them go out -of doors, but keep their hands in one a others pockets as usual? - -He says one time in Arizona there was a show, and the show man he stood -in the door of his tent and hollored: “Walk up, walk up, ladies and -gents, and see the fierce Canadian beaver, which is the 8th wonder of -the world and the anchor of hope to them which is afflicted with the -dumps. He roams the rivers of the frozen north, from Dan Couvers island -to Sammy Quoddys bay in the state of Maine, and his voice is ever for -war. When he throws his eye upon a tree the doom of that monarch of -the forest primeval is sealed, its caroar at a end and its name a by -word in the mouths of men, for he ganaws it down while you wait, and as -it thunders to earth he raises the song of triump and lashes the air -to foam! His house is fathoms five under the glad waters of the deep -blue sea, and the steam boats pass above him as he pursues the evil -tenor of his way, in maiden meditation, fancy free. At midnights holy -hour he arises to the surface for to communicate with his kindreds in -a far country, and the slap of his powerful tail is heard around the -world. The dams which he builds with his teeths and feets turns aside -the Father of Waters, and mighty cities are with the eternal past! Yet -this wonder worker is endowered with a domestical mind and a sociable -dispusition, and he is never so happy as when surounded by such -friendly and congenual spirits as I see before me, generously eager for -to cheer him in his campaign of education. Walk up, walk up, only fifty -cents for to bring the balm of Gulliad to this lonely exiles heart.” - -I asked Uncle Ned was it a mush rat, and he said, Uncle Ned did: “I -dont know, Johnny, I dont know. I hadnt time to go in and cheer up the -lonely exile, for having the misfortune to wear a stopipe hat and look -like maybe I would steal horses, I feared that if I went in the show I -might be too much absorbed in admiration to the beaver to mark the laps -of time, and would be late at the boundry.” - -Beavers is mammals, but the mush is amfabulous and lays eggs. And thats -why I say every feller to his own taste and the tiger for us all. - -The mush he lives in the river, and when he is attempted to be caught -he swims across and whisks his tail, real contemptible, much as to say: -“No you dont.” - -But if you have a gun you do. - -Injins eats the mush every little tiny bit up, fur and all, and, then -the white man he says: “You uncivilize galoot, aint you a shamed of -yourself for to be so filthy, why dont you eat oysters, like you was -folks?” - -But, if I was Injins I wouldnt care what I et, just so it was pizen. -Franky, thats the baby, he eats everything which is in the world and is -made sick. One time Mary, thats the house maid, she come to my mother -ablubberin like she had been licked, and she said, Mary did: “O, if you -please, mum, I gave Franky his fathers pocket knife for to play with, -and Ime afraid he will make a improper use of it.” - -Mother she said: “Go and take it away from him this minute!” - -But Mary she only just cried harder and said: “He won’t give it up, for -he has swollered it.” - -Girls is fools, but Billy, thats my brother, he can stand on his head, -and Jack Brily, which is the wicked sailor, he can climb the mast and -fling defiance into the teeths of the storm! - -Jack says one time a other sailor hired out as mate of a ship which the -captain of had a pet kangaroon. One day fore the ship sailed the mate -was lyin in his bunk, and the kang it come in and looked around the -room, but the mate he let on for to be asleep. So the kang it stole a -shirt and stuffed it in the pouch on the stomach of its belly. Then it -took a comb and a hair brush and put them in too. Bime by it see the -mate’s new shoes, and his toothbrush and a railroad guide and took them -all. Then the roon it hopped away. - -The mate he got up and went to the captain and sed, the mate did: “If -you are willing, sir, Ide like to be set ashore to once, cause we are -doomed for to sink in the bowel of the sea.” - -The captain said how did he know, and the mate said: “By a infaluble -sign. I seen that big French rat of yourn a packin up for to forsake -the ship.” - -Rats is every where, but the kang is a native of Illinoy and leaps from -crag to crag! - -My sisters young man he says the women has rats in their hair, so you -better keep away from them, but my sister says why dont he? - -When he comes to see her he asks how I am gettin on with my natural -histry, and then he tells me things which I am welcome for to put into -it, but she says what a fib, and I must not believe a word which he -says, and looks right in his eyes with hern, real reproachy, but he -isnt a bit afraid. Hern are brown, but hisn is gray. - -Rats is bipeds, but the hi potamus has got hair on its teeths and can -swoller a native nigger like he was a capsule. And that is why I say do -into others the same as you would be done to by them your own self. - - - - - BUTTYGOATS - - -There is billygoats and nannygoats and they are all butty if you dont -look out, for when they are made fun of they will act in the most -responsible manner. - -Uncle Ned he says one time there was a little boy which was a havin his -own fun with a goat, by gettin down on his all 4s and stampin his hands -and shakin his head like it was the goat’s head, but the goat it didnt -seem for to mind, but went round behind him, like it said: “I wont have -nothing to do with this business.” - -But when it got to where it wanted to be it let drive, real cruel, -where the boy sat down. The boy he lit in the open door of a house, -and a old man come out and saw the boy, and then he looked all around, -but didnt see nobody else, and then he looked up to the sky and said: -“Heaven be praised, which has sent us a son!” - -But I guess he knew. - -The Bible it says for to be frightful and multiply. - -When he was movin out of the other house into this one, Billy, thats -my brother, had took a big lookin glass to the wagon and stood it up -against a wheel, and a goat he see himself in the glass, and that was -more than he would stand, so he backed off and took a run and jump with -his head down, like it was a cow catcher on a engine. The glass it was -smashed, but the goat was catched between the spokes of the wheel and -held fast a long time. When he got out he run round to the other side -of the wagon and viewed the land scape oer, and shook his head mighty -brave, like saying: “Well, you got away this time, you ugly feller, but -you wouldnt if it hadnt been for that wagon in the way, and you better -not let me see you in this part of the country again, mister!” - -Goats is mollusks, but the centipede is infantry. The pede is found in -the torpid zone, but the rhi nupple dinkey is a three legger and makes -the welkin ring! Jack Brily, which is the wicked sailor, swears and -chews tobacco, and every thing, says the dink is the gem of the ocean -and can swaller 2 men to once. One day Jack seen a dink a follering the -ship which he worked on, and he told the captain. The captain he said: -“That is mighty mournful, cause the dinky is bad luck unless he is fed -a sailor every day. We are 6 days from the port where we are bound -for, and there is just seven of us. The way I figure it out I shall -have to take this ship into port pretty short handed. Go forwerd and -unship the cook.” - -Jack he said: “I, I, sir,” and went and flang the cook over board and -the dink et the cook. - -Next day the captain made Jack thro over the mate, and next day the -carpenter, and the dink et both. Jack he begun for to be mighty -nervous, but on the 4th day, as he was about to heave a able bodied -seaman into the ragin deeps, they sighted a wreck and rescued the crew. -That enabled them for to give the dink 2 men a day and save 4 human -lifes. - -Billy says there isnt any such thing as a rhi nupple dinky, but Jack he -says Billy is prejudiced cause Jacks father is nothing only but just a -humble butcher, but ourn wears a stopipe hat. - -Jack says he pines like a caged eagle on this dull, unchangin shore, -but my sisters young man he says that the briny deep which Jack knows -most about is his fathers barrel of pickled pork. But I know Jack was -one time a pirate, for his arm is tattered red and blue with a picture -of a angel and a labm. - -Jakey Epstein, which is the curly headed Jew, he says pork is pizen, -and one day when my sisters young man was eatin a sausage Jakey’s -father he spoke up and sed: “I rather die than eat that.” - -My sisters young man stopt eatin awhile, and looked at him sollem out -of his eyes, and bime by he said: “Ide rather you would.” - -But it is wicked to sass back, for the Bible it says a soft answer -turneth away rats. - -Uncle Ned he said: “Johnny, did I ever tell you about the buttigoat -which had never saw a mule? One day it saw one a standin in the sun, -like it was asleep. The butty it looked awhile and then it walked -around to the last part of the mule, a lookin mighty sly, much as to -say: ‘When he cant see me I’ll sock it to him good and plenty.’ - -“But the mule knew what was doing, and when the butty tried to sock it -to him he kicked him in the forehead real cruel, and the butty turned a -flip flop and lit on his back with his feets in the air. Bime by he got -up and shook his self, and stomped the ground, and looked at the mule a -long time, which was a chewin his cud real peaceful. After a while the -butty he said to his self: ‘Ide like for to know which end that feller -buts with. I know which I do by the ache.’” - -The horse is the noblest animal which scours the plain, but the -buttigoat can knock out a dog like the dog hadnt been there, for the -butty was give dominion over the fishes of the sea, and the birds of -the foul air and everything that is born of woman. - - - - - CATS - - -A feller which had took a unfurnished bed room in a lodgin’ house, he -said one evening to a friend which had called on him: “Now I got my -room, and I have bought this bed and chair, but my money has give out, -wot am I to do for a water pitcher, and a lamp, and a hair brush, and -other little articles of luxury such as a man of refined taste likes to -see about him?” - -Then his friend he spoke up and said: “Just give me that old cat and -come along o me, and we will get all them things mighty quick.” - -So they took the cat into the back yard of a other house and pinned her -tail to a cloes line, where she swung free to the sport of the wind and -owled awful! Then the fellers friend he said: “Now we will get plenty -water jugs, and lamps, and hair brushes, and old shoes, and all things -which is nice. All we got to do is just hide ourselfs till they come -down like manna from Heaven.” - -They stayed all night till the cat had singed herself into the better -land and they was most froze, and no manna. While they was a lookin up -to a window a feller in his night shirt opened the window and looked -out for to see the sun rise. Then one of them said to the shirt feller: -“It is a nice mornin, gum dast you!” But the man at the window he didnt -say nothing. So the other feller he hollered: “How do you like music, -old stick-in-the-mud?” but the man didn’t say nothin a other time. Then -the feller which the cat was hisn he shook his two fists real terible -and hollered: “Ile get even on you for this, you darned thief!” - -The man in the house took notice and went away from the window, but -pretty soon come back with a enormous ear trumpet, which he stuck in -his ear and leaned out and shouted: “What?” - -Old Gaffer Peters, which has got the bald head, he had a big Maltese -cat, and the cat had a hole in its ear. One day it come in to Mister -Brilys meat shop, which is the fat butcher, and Jack Brily, he catched -it and shut it up. But first he cut off its ear which had the hole in -it. Bime by Missis Doppy, which is old Gaffer’s daughter and has a red -head, she come in for to buy sausage meat. Jack he sneaked the cat ear -into the sausage meat and Missis Doppy she took the meat home, but Jack -he said, just as she left the shop: - -“That is the dandiest sausage meat which we have ever made, you look at -it when you get home, and see if it aint.” - -When she was gone Jack he shut the cat up in the box which catches the -ground up meat as it comes out of the machine, and waited. Pretty soon -Missis Doppy she come boilin in, real furious, and handed back the meat -and showed Jack the cat ear with the hole in it and said: “Young man, -do you know what that is?” - -Jack he looked at it a long time, and then he said: “Looks like it -might maybe be a washer off of some kind of machine. Where did you get -it?” - -Missis Doppy said: “I got it out of that meat. You made our cat in to -sausage, you wicked thief!” - -Just then old Mister Brily come in and asked what was up, and while -Missis Doppy was a weepin and sayin what a mean man he was Jack said: -“I dont see how that cat could get in the machine without our guilty -knowledge, lets see if we can find the other ear.” - -So he flang open the box of the grinder and the cat jumped out, and -made a dash for the door and most knocked Missis Doppy down and busted -out of the shop like it was a whirl wind, and scampered up the street, -toward home, you never have see such a circus! Missis Doppy she fainted -dead away and Mister Brily he hurled a beef bone at Jack, which dodged -and walked away, a singin about war with its wide dissolution. - -But Mister Pitchel, thats the preacher, he says it is wicked for to -poke fun at the women, cause they cant poke back. Mister Pitchel he can -pray real fine, but if me and Billy was preachers I rather be a pirate -like Rinard the Red Revenger, which declaimed war with the whole world -and had ships and a castle and no goin to school. - -When cats is roarin like distant thunder it makes a feller awful fraid -unless he is a sleepin with his sister. - -The pig it is a native of the Holy Land, and dogs is French, but -cats is known from the earliest times and can pur. Missis Dumberly, -which has eleven children, she was to our house, and she said, Missis -Dumberly did, that she just couldn’t bear cats. Then Uncle Ned he spoke -up and said: “That is mighty lucky for the mice.” - -Missy, thats my sister, she doesnt like cats too, but girls is -quadderpeds and cant climb trees, and when they are mad they spit and -swear and hunch their backs up like they was camomiles. - -Cats and taggers is the same thing, only the tagger he is bigger and -can thrash the lion, and is the king of the jingle. If I was a tag -Ide rather be a rhi nosey rose, for the rhi it has got a sticker, and -when it fights the ephalent it jabs its sticker in to the stomach of -the ephs belly. And that is why the cracky dile says: “Suffer little -children to come into me.” - -Ephalents was one time used in battle, but once when the king of Rome -was a chargin with ten thousand hundred ephs the enemies they turned -loose a ton of rats, and the ephs all fled amain as one man! The king -of Romes neck was broke and ephalents have ever since pursued the arts -of peace and eats pea nuts. Mister Jonnice, which has the wood laig, he -was one time a soldier in the war, and thats the way he got it, cause -the enemies they shot it off with cannons for to keep him from runnin -away. But he says he done some mighty good hoppin. - -Mose, which is the cat, and Bildad, thats the new dog, they are good -friends, but when Mose is give a saucer of milk Bildad he jumps in and -swallers it in 3 or 4 gulps. Then he looks around at Mose, like he was -astonished, and shakes his head, much as to say: “Well, well, if I had -knew there wasnt no milk in that saucer I wouldnt have took the trouble -for to come and see.” - -Bildad has got a bushy tail, and Mose he can blow hisn up like a -balloon wen he is mad, but the Manx cat it hasnt got any. And that -proves that all is for the best, cause man was made in six days and -rested on the 7th and went a fishin. - -When cats fight they spit fire and sword! One night 2 tom cats was -fightin and a woman she put her head out of the window and said to a -police man: “Poor things, why dont you part them, you wicked man?” - -The police man he spoke up and said, the police man did: “I thought of -that, mum, but I guess it aint worth while, cause it looks to me like -they would part one a other.” - -I think he was afraid, but it is nice for to be brave like Billy, which -says if there wasnt any soldiers the Millennium would be upon to us and -we would all have to flee to the mountains! - -My sisters young man says that once there was a cat, and there was a -dog, and there was a lamb, and there was a ox. The dog it said to the -ox: “Thats a mighty long tail you got there, mister, with a nice duster -to the end of it, but you cant waggle it when you meet your master -carryin a beef steak.” - -Then the cat it said to the ox, too: “No, indeed, and you cant blow it -up and spit fire wen you meet a other ox.” - -The lamb it said: “And you aint able for to twinkle it when you think -of some thing funny.” - -The ox he thought awhile and then he said: “I played hookey when I was -a little boy so much that I didn’t learn them vain acomplishments, -thats a fact, but I have got a tolerbly fair business education, and I -guess maybe you fellers would have to come to me for to help you out if -you had to fill a order for ox tail soup.” - -Mary, thats the house maid, she has wrote some poetry about cats, which -my mother says is mighty fine. Here it is: - - The cat it has 4 feet, - And it has got a tail, - And purs when you stroke it the right way, - But beware its toe nail! - - There is nothing beautifuller than cats - When they are little kits, - But some day they grow up to be big toms - And hunches up their backs and spits. - - Cats catches mice, which if they wasn’t caught - Would be drownded in the honey, - And the preserves, and the jams, and the jellies, - And maybe poison Billy and Johnny. - -I never have saw such rot, but Uncle Ned he says: “I beg for to remind -you, fair youth, that you have yet to peruse the work of Ella Wheeler -Wilcox.” - -If I was a poet I would not write about spitcats, no, indeed, it would -be all about the eagle, which is the king of beasts and fixes its eye -on to the sun, and soars aloof into the blue imperial, and defies the -lion and her welps! - -Once there was a eagle which was a show, and a man which was to the -show dropped a twenty dollar gold piece and it rolled into the eagles -cage. The eagle it looked at it a while, and called his wife and said, -the eag did: “That feller threw his poker check in here, and I guess he -thought I would swaller it cause it has a chicken on one side, but Ide -blush for to have such a nasty lookin rooster cut out of my craw.” - -My sisters young man he says when he was a boy and went to school him -and a other boy had a readin lesson about animals. The teacher, which -was near sighted, he had lost his spettacles and couldn’t tell one word -from a other, and they knew it. So when they stood up for to read, my -sisters young man he begun and said: “The cat is the loftiest centipede -which sweeps the horizon and scowers the plain.” - -The teacher he said: “What’s that, whats that?” - -Then my sisters young man he looked at the book, real atentive and said -it again. The teacher he said: “Lemmy see that book, youngster, just -lemmy see it.” - -When he got the book he poked his long nose in it and pretended for to -read, and then he scratched his head where it didn’t itch and told the -other boy to go on and read too. The other boy he looked at the book -and said, like he was readin: “The cat is found in every country of the -globe, but it likes republics the best, and when it soars aloft the -nations of the earth tremble so that you can see them shake.” - -The teacher looked at the book a other time, close to, but bime by he -give it back and said, the teacher did: “Young men, that readin lesson -looks to the yuman eye jest like it has looked for twenty years, but I -guess I have got to get some spettacles for my ears.” - -But the ears of the jackus are a spettacle their selves, for the jack -he is a bird of bray. - - - - - THE CRANE - - -I asked Uncle Ned what makes the crane stand on one foot for to -sleep, and he spoke up and said: “Johnny, you have opened the door of -optunity to my waitin soul and I will come out into the light and make -everything clear. - -“One day in the Garden of Eden Adam he see a lot of animals playin. -There was all your old friends, the ephalent, the lion, the tagger, -the hi potamus, the giraft, the kangaroon, the rhi naughty furious and -some of the little fellers. Adam he looked on a while, real sad, for -he knew, Adam did, that some day they would be tearin one a other to -rags and sheddin gore excessive, such being the ordained consquences of -his own sins. Bime by he flang away his gloomy reflections and said: -‘You fellers is mighty playful, but you are terible clumsy. I bet there -isn’t one of you which can stand on one laig.’ - -“They all tried, but they fell every time. Then the crane, which was -a standin by a pond a little way off, talkin to a frog, he tossed his -bill up, real contemptible, and strutted in to their midst, and liftin -up one leg stood on the other like a statute. - -“Adam he looked a while and then he said: ‘Impudence is the king of -badfulness. The athletical test which I proposed was for quadpeds, and -any gam doodled creepin thing which butts in takes his life in his -hand, for I am give dominion over all the beasts of the field, and all -the fishes of the sea, and all the birds of the foul air, and every -thing which was made in 6 days.’ - -“The crane tossed his head scornful and said: ‘We have had all that -before; give us a rest.’ - -“Adam he said: ‘Motion is the mother of fatigue. You jest stand like -you are till tomorrow morning and maybe you will be rested.’ - -“So the crane he had to do it, and it made him so tired out that to -this day he sleeps frequent, and he always has to do it on one laig. -And that ought to teach little boys for to not butt in.” - -When Uncle Ned had told me a bout the crane I asked him did he know -what makes the loon laugh. - -He said: “Yes, indeed, Ime jest the feller which can whack up the -desired infmation, to the queens taste. Most peoples they think it -is because he has a comical disposition, but they are mistook, for -generally speakin he is the solemest aquatical bird which sails the -seas over, but he is cursed with a fatal memory. - -“One time, a little while after the world was made, Adam and Eve was -a sittin by the side of a lake, and there was a loon hid in the reeds -which grew in the water. Adam he held Eves hand, and stroked it, and -patted her on the shoulder, and ran his fingers through her hair, and -done all them things which crazy folks do and sensible fellers like me -and you dont understand. Bime by Eve she up and said: ‘Adam, do you -love me?’ - -“Adam he said, Adam did: ‘How couldnt I, when you are the sweetest -woman in the world?’ - -“Eve she smiled real bright, and after a while she said a other time: -‘Forgive me, dearest, if I pain you, but I have been worryin so much -about some thing. Was you ever in love before?’ - -“Adam he look at her real solem out of his eyes, and then he rose his -right hand up and said: ‘No, darling, I swear it, never till I met -you.’ - -“Then Eve she snuggled down close to him and murmured: ‘O Adam, it -gives me such joy for to hear you say that!’ - -“It give the loon joy too, and his laughture rang out over the waters, -loud and shrill and echo answered from the hill. And to this day he -laughs whenever he thinks of the women folks.” - -But if me and Billy had been there we would have ringed the loons neck, -cause the Bible it says that scoffers shall be casted into Abrahams -bosom. Loons is mammals, and the walrus is poultry, and cracky diles is -ally gaters, and the camel is the sheep of the desert and is hunted for -its plumes. And thats why I say how wonderful is the works of Man! - - - - - THE SNAKE - - -The fish is a animal and the bird is a beast, but snakes is a fo to -man. The snake he is the same as serpents, only he hasnt no feets, and -that makes him mad and he bites every thing which is in the world. -Snakes is pizen, but the hog he says: “I dont care, it wont do you any -good for to bite me.” - -Then the snake he says: “It dont do me no good for to bite any kind of -feller, that aint why I do it, I aint selfish.” - -So he whacks away at the hog and hollers hooray! But the hog he catches -him by the middle and makes 2 snakes of him in a minute and says: “I’m -pretty bitey my self, thank you.” - -Hogs is pork, but Jakey Epstein he says he would rather be one than -eat one. But give me a sucker nice roasted, with plenty mashed -potatoes, and apple sauce, and pickles, and hot cakes, and mince pie, -and walnuts, and you will see a boy which knows his own mind. Hogs is -bristly, but the ally gater has notches in the spine of his back and -eats niggers. - -Uncle Ned, which has been in Indy and every where, he says the Gangee -river is over flowin with gaters, and one time he see a gater a lyin -on the bank asleep, and he told his servant, which was a natif nigger: -“Take a ax and chop up that dead tree into stove wood,” cause thats -what Uncle Ned thought it was. The servant he thought so too and said: -“Yessir,” and Uncle Ned he went away to shoot rabbits in the jingle. -When he come back he went in the bungaloo and found the servant covered -up nice and warm in bed. Uncle Ned said: “You lazy feller, did you chop -up that log, like I told you?” - -The feller he said: “I tried to, sir, but it come to life.” - -Uncle Ned he spoke up, real sarcastical, and said: “O sure, and I -suppose it put forth some limbs, didnt it?” - -The feller said: “Yessir, it put forth some on each side.” - -Uncle Ned said a other time: “It blossomed too, maybe.” - -The nigger feller said: “Yessir, bout 3 feet wide, you ought to have -saw it open like it was a morning glory!” - -Then Uncle Ned, which was still ironical, he said: “Did it take root?” - -The nigger feller thought a while and then he said: “I was a bit upset -and can’t recollect that it took any thing only but jest my laig.” - -But if a gater wanted Billys laig he would cut its head off with a long -sword and say: “That will teach you for to not ask for it, cause I want -it to go to school with.” Billy is the bravest boy he ever saw, and -licks Sammy Doppy every little while. - -A other time in Indy Uncle Ned was a walkin in the jingle and a long -slender snake jumped at him and bit him on the hand and ran away. Then -Uncle Ned he run as hard as he could for to get home and die in the -bosom of his club. While he was a runnin and a prayin for his sins to -be forgave he see a natif nigger a sittin by the road side, and the -natif nigger had three jest such snakes twisted all round his naked -arms and bitin, real cruel, but he had got all their tails into one -hand. - -Then Uncle Ned he stopped and said: “Poor feller, I have been bit too. -As there isnt any hope for us now, we will sell our lifes as dear as we -can to them deadly cobrys.” - -So he threw off his coat and pitched in and grabbed the snakes tails -too. Then the native nigger he sed: “Thankee, sir, I guess we will be -able for to manage them now. There is to be a party tonight, and I have -been tryin for more than half a hour to braid these fellers into a -necklace for the stomach of my wife’s belly, but they are so squirmy I -thought I would have to give it up.” - -Uncle Ned he was a stonished, and he said: “What! isnt them reptiles -pizen?” - -The natif nigger he said: “How can I know? Do you suppose I ever et -one?” - -One day my father he spoke up and said: “Johnny, did you ever hear -about the good man which found a frozen snake and warmed it in his -bosom, and when the snake got nice and comftable it bit him?” - -I said: “Yessir, every fool has heard about that.” - -Then my father he said: “My boy, the goodness isnt all on one side, for -one time a snake found a man which was cold, and the snake warmed the -man in its bosom too.” - -Then I said: “What did the man do when he had got the chill off him?” - -My father he said: “Well, Johnny, he digested.” - -Once there was a big snake which was a show, and the show man he put a -dog in the cage for the snakes dinner. The dog he looked at the snake a -while, and then he said: “That is the biggest sausage that I ever saw. -I dont believe it could be et all to one meal by any dog which roams -the palmy plain.” - -But bime by he was et his own self, and when he was nice swallered the -snake he wank his eye, and said to his self: “The man which invented -self stuffin sausages wasnt no friend to dogs.” - -A other snake which was a show swallered its blanket, and when the show -man missed it he said, the show man did: “Ide jest like to catch the -gum dasted thief which steals folkses bed clothes!” - -He give the snake a other blanket, but watched for to catch the thief. -When he see the snake a swollerin that one he went and fetched a pillow -and threw it to the snake and said: “If you are makin up your bed for -to sleep in side your self you will need this, and when you have turned -in I will pass down a hot water bottle for your feets, and make you -comftable. What time would you like to be woke in the mornin?” - -Snakes eats hop toads and snaps at the hand which feeds it, but dogs -is all rite. Snakes skins their selfs once a year, and one time me and -Mister Brily, thats the fat butcher, we see one do it. When it was all -done Mister Brily he said to the snake, Mister Brily did: “So far, so -good, my fine feller, but how are you goin to get your innards out -unless you got a knife?” - -The boa conscripter is a snake, but the rattler he makes the welkin -ring! I asked Uncle Ned what was snakes made for, and he said: “I dont -know, Johnny, honest, I didnt have nothing to do with it, but bein a -mighty eloquent speecher I flatter my self I have made a shoreless sea -of Demcrats. Your honorable father, which is a Repubcan, like you, he -says that is about the same thing, but he is a child of darkness and -disdain. I can tell you, though, about the snakes in the Garden of -Eden, all exceptin the one which was tempted by Eve. When they had all -been made, Adam he called them together and give them their names, and -then he waved his arms and said: ‘Now go 4th into all the waste places -of the earth and multiply.’ - -“They all slided away only but jest one, which lay still and shook its -head, real sad. Then Adam he said: ‘Why dont you do as I said? Off with -you to once!’ - -“But the snake, it spoke up and sed, the snake did: ‘If you please, -sir, Ime willing to go 4th, but I cant multiply. Ime a adder. You told -me so your self.’” - -I asked Uncle Ned what makes the rattler have rattles, and he said: -“Johnny, he doesnt. That is a optical delusion due to idleness in the -observer. What they mistake for rattles is the last joints of the -spine of his back bone, and it come about this way. The rattler he was -created so ugly that it strangled him for to look at his self, and when -he drew near any thing for to be sociable it fled amain. Well, one day -in the Garden of Eden, he shedded his skin like all snakes had been -told to do, and a other snake it shedded its skin too. So the rattler -he backed into the other snakes skin for to hide his ugly, but it was -too short, so the rattler bit off a inch or two and let a few joints of -the spine of his back stick out, and they rattle when he shakes with -fright, which is frequent. What scares him the worst is when a boy is -about to step on him with bare feets. Johnny, you should be kind to the -poor rattler and not step on it if there is plenty of room. - -“And now, my lad, I will tell you about a feller which drinked whiskey, -which is equal bad. Me and the feller and a doctor was a campin in -the forest, and the doctor had brought along a jug of whisky for to -cure snake bites. One day him and me went out for to shoot bears, and -when we come home to camp the feller he was lyin down in the tent, so -dead drunk that he didn’t know a thing and was to the point of death! -Johnny, it is awful to see a drinkard when he is himself, so I tore my -hair and bewailed loud and shrill, but the doctor he sat down for to -think, and bime be he said: ‘I got it, I got it!’ - -“Then he rushed away into the jingle, and pretty soon he come back -with a rattler in the end of a long split stick, which he poked at -the feller and it bit him many a time and oft. Johnny, it sounds like -a mystery, and I wouldn’t ask you to believe it if I didnt tell it -myself, but them snake bites they beat the fell intent of that whisky, -for the feller he sprang up and evanished into the bosky fastness, and -is now holdin a office of trust and profit in Kansas.” - -I asked Uncle Ned what became of the rattler, and he said, Uncle Ned -did: “Thats a mighty sad story, Johnny, and I don’t like to dwell up -on it. We took the snake outside the tent and let it go, and the first -thing it done was to tie itself in a double bow knot and stick the ends -through. Then it raveled it self out, and stood on its head, and waved -its tail in air, and said it was the Queen of Sheby.” - -Injins eats snakes, but give me a pie, with lots of spice, and a apple -dumplin, and some stewed squash, and plenty spunge cake, and a lot of -sossage, and some more spunge cake, and some pickles, and all I can eat -of chicken gizards, which is the stuff of life! - - - - - FROGS - - -Frogs was one time catter pillers. When you have et a catter in your -salad it would have been a frog if you didnt. A feller named Esop says -there was a ox which tried for to be a frog and busted. If it didnt -bust it would have et hay and hooked and give milk. The best place to -find frogs is after a rain, but they jump before you can get your hands -on them, and them which dont will slip through your fingers like they -was buttered, but when they fall on the ground you can see their white -bellies if you look real quick. - -One night there was a lot of frogs in a lake, and there was a fire -on the shore, and they all stuck their heads up for to see the fire, -and the water froze, and when they tried to take their heads in they -couldnt. So they held a council, and each laid his views before the -king frog, which was in the middle, and there was jest as many plans -for freein the whole lot as there was frogs which couldnt move a inch. -The king he didnt say nothing, but looked mighty wise. When the sun -melted them out in the mornin they said: “What a good and wise king we -have, for to get us out of trouble! Let us go and thank him.” - -But when they went to thank him they couldn’t find nothing to thank, -only but jest his head, for a cat fish had bit off the king’s body -early in the session. Then they said the king had died for his peoples. - -Uncle Ned he said, Uncle Ned did: “Johnny, frogs is fine and gay, but -the batrakian is a monster of the ocean blue. He has a mouth like a -cavern in a hill, and a eye accordin. He is green as a meadow in spring -time, exceptin the stomach of his belly, which is as the winter land -scope. His voice is like the music of a saw mill and nations hear -entranced. When he arises in his wrath his course is as the eagles -flight, and when he revisits the earth whence he sprang from, the -waters receive him with a roar which makes the heavens be mute!” - -Then I spoke up and said: “Thats what a frog does too.” - -Uncle Ned he said: “All animated nature has points of resemble. The -postage stamp is like the sword fish, cause it is a sticker, the polly -wog is like the feller which writes short stories, cause his tail is -not to be continued, and the wife is like the tagger, cause she roars -like distant thunder. I forgot to tell you that the batrakian is a -hunch back, but it isn’t good luck for to touch his hunch, for you -will get your feets wet if you try to, for he is the slickest citizen -you ever seen and departs this life for a other and wetter world at a -moments notice, automattical.” - -I said: “Thats like frogs too.” - -Uncle Ned he looked mighty hurt and shook his head, and bime by said: -“Johnny, you got a bad habit of interruptin for to say some fool thing -just as a feller is gettin truly eloquent, but since you mention frogs -I will tell you a story. - -“One time a feller from Kansas was casted away on the coast of New -Jersey and was a starvin, when he found a bushel of oysters and sat -down for to eat them every little bit up. Then he see a native nigger a -little way off, a sittin by a fire, and went to him for to be sociable, -takin the oysters along. The native nigger was cookin frogs, and he -said, real polite: ‘Have some.’ - -“The Kansas feller he said: ‘What! are you going to eat them gum dasted -reptiles?’ - -“The native nigger said: ‘Pardon me, they are very good, what are you -eatin your self?’ - -“The feller pointed to the oysters, and the nig turned white like he -was a sheet and said: ‘O Lordy, take them nasty things out of my sight, -or I shall die of the flops!’ - -“Then the Kansas feller he said: ‘I cant take them away, nor eat them -either, cause the sight of your diet has give me the colly wobbles in -my lap!’ - -“In a low green valley where the jay bird sings his requiem by the sad -sea waves 2 grassy mounds mark the spot where these beautiful youths -perished in their prides, each poisoned by the vituals that he didn’t -eat. Let it teach you, my boy, for to not despise any food which a -bountiful Providence has supplied for to sustain the lifes of his -meanest cretures.” - -But if it was me and Billy we would et the oysters and give the frogs -to the poor, cause frogs is fossils, but oysters is pork and makes the -face of man to shine! - -Oysters is natives of the tropics, and is found only in high latitudes, -but the rhi nosey rose is a brother to the ox. - -Mister Brily, which is the fat butcher, he can slaughter a ox real -fine, and his son Jack, which is the wicked sailor, says it was the -sight of the beautiful blood that made him be a pirate. If I had saw -Jack a piratin I would rang out my voice across the billows and said: -“Heave too, you naughty man, or I will belch 4th a broad side this -minute!” - -Then Jack would come to my ship, mighty pale and trembly, and I would -embrue my hands in his gore! - -I asked Uncle Ned what for the bull frog had sech a horse voice and he -said: “One day in the Garden of Eden, when Adam was passin by a pond, -he heard a voice a singin sweet and clear, like a lark at the dawning -of the day. He looked a long time, and bime by he seen the bull frogs -head stickin out of the pond, and it was it singin. But Adam he said: -‘Here, you, what for did you play truant wen I was naming all the -animals? You come right out of that and be give a name.’ - -“So the singster come out on the bank and Adam named it bulbul frog, -cause bulbul means nightingale, and then Adam said: ‘I cant deny my -self the happiness to hear you sing some more.’ - -“The bulbul frog it started for to sing again, but it couldn’t utter a -note, only but jest a harsh croak, for it had took cold by comin out -of the water in to the sun shine. Then Adam said: ‘I was mistook. I -thought it was you which I heard singin before. Ime sorry I give you -that name, or named you at all, for not any name is bad enough for a -feller with a voice like that.’ - -“So Adam he kicked it clear into the middle of the pond, but it has the -cold to this day.” - - - - - DOGS - - -Dogs is many kinds, but the Newfoundlin feller is the king of the ocean -and saves babies from bein drowned in the briny deeps. The spotty one -which has the swear name he trots along under his masters coach, and -when a man is run over he finishes him. The dog is called a quinine for -to distinguish him from the fox, which is a squid. Dogs is desiduous, -for they have got 4 feets and leaps from crag to crag. When some feller -is a dyin the dog howls mornful, but the under taker he says the -doctrin of mortality is a sublime faith. - -One time there was a dog which hadnt any tail, cause it was cut off, -but its naughty for to cut them off, for the Bible it says: “Him that -sheddeth his brothers bleed his own bleed shall be sheddeth.” There was -a other dog which had a long slick tail, like a whip lash, and thems -the jockies for me. The dog which had a tail it said to the dog which -didn’t: “When your master gives you a bone what do you waggle?” - -The other one he said: “I waggle the bone.” - -Then the tail feller said: “When he kicks you for bein so ugly what -have you for to put between your legs to show that your feel is hurt?” - -The bob feller said: “I put half a mile between my legs and hisn, what -more could I want, exceptin, maybe, the other half of the mile?” - -The dog which had the tail it thought a while and then it wiggled its -ear, much as to say: “This cripple hasnt any tail, but he has got a -head thats no mere toy.” But pretty soon he began for to smile, and -bime by said: “What have you for the boys to tie a tin can onto?” - -Then the other one shook his head, real sad and said: “You got the -advantage of me there, thats a fact. This no tail of mine is jest as -good as any for business, but in matters of pleasure and sociableness -it fails lamentable!” - -One time in Mexico, where the dogs dont have no hair, there was a -traveler, and he called his man and said: “James,” for that was his -mans name, “Ime going for to adopt the fashion of the country. You take -my dog and shave it all over, every little bit of hair off.” - -James said he would, but he was afraid the dog would bite him, so he -swopped it off for a Mexican dog, same size, and took that one to his -master, which said: “What a difference that makes! It looks almost like -a other dog.” - -Pretty soon after, the traveler took a walk down town, mighty proud of -his fashionble dog, which James led with a string. Bime by they come to -a Mexican man sittin in a open door hollerin: “Walk up, gents, walk up, -only ten cents for to see the show, walk up!” - -When the new dog heard the show man it busted away from James, like it -was shot out of a cannon, and jumped right onto the show man, tickled -most to death to see him, cause he was its old master. The show man he -hollered wild and shouted: “Outch, outch! Your savage dog has bit me -cruel, and I got a large family to suport!” - -The traveler said to James: “Take the dog home this minute, shavin has -spoiled its temper.” - -When the dog had gone he said to the man which had the big, helpless -family: “Dont cry, my good feller, heres 10 dollars for you, what have -you got in your show?” - -The show man he said: “Walk right in and see, sir, you are on the free -list cause you paid me for my awful pain.” - -The traveler he went in the show, and there wasn’t any thing to see -only but jest his old dog, which was in a cage, and there was a sign -board which said in big black letters: - - The Wonderful Canine Miracle! - Exibited before the Queen of England - and all the - Principal Nobobs. - Native of Japan, Where It was Brought From - in 2 Ships by - The Empror Maximilian. - The only Dog in the World which - has got Hair! - -Mister Gipple he says that one time he had a mighty homely dog and the -dogs name was Calamity. One day Mister Gipple was took sick and sent -for the doctor and when the doctor had come in and said “Good mornin, -I hope you are well,” Calamity came in too. Mister Gipple, for to be -playful, said: “Doctor, what will you give me for my dog?” - -The doctor he looked at Calamity a while, real thoughtful, and then he -said: “I will give you some thing for your leprosy if you have it, but -I dont think I have any medicine strong enough to cure you of that dog. -I am a old doctor, but I never have seen such awful symptoms.” - -My father, which is absent minded and cant see very well when he has -left his spettacles in his other coat, he was a walkin, my father was, -and there was a big dog which he was acquainted with. It was chewin -a short stick, which was in the corner of its mouth, like it was a -cigar. When my father see the stick in the dogs mouth he took the cigar -that he was smokin his self, and knocked off the ashes with his little -finger, and held it down to the dog and said: “Have a light?” - -But when the dog didn’t do any thing my father seen what a jackus he -had made of his self, and he got red in the face like he was a rose, -and made a bow and said: “O, I beg your pardon.” - -My father he is a Repubcan, jest like me, but Uncle Ned says Repubcans -is engaged in a nofarious conspuracy for to over throw the liberty of -the peoples and prevent him bein a post master. - -One day my sisters young man, wich hates dogs, he was goin along the -street, and there was a woman and a little wooly dog. When he come up -behind for to pass them the dog it dropped back and made a face at him, -which made him awful mad, so he kicked it way up in the air, like it -was a bird, and it sang like eagles as it flew. The woman surveyed its -flight with horrify, and when it come down on the other side the street -she turned around for to sass some body, but my sisters young man he -was mighty absorbed in a news paper. But the woman she said: “You aint -no gentle man!” - -He looked up, awful innocent and real hurt, and said: “Why not?” - -Then the woman she hestated and stamered and blushed, but bime by said: -“Because you read news papers in the public street, and that isnt good -manners.” - -So he folded the paper real careful up and put it in his pocket and -said: “I beg your pardon, madam, I was only but jest glancin at the -semi annual report of the Society for Entertainin Heavenly Visitants -When They Light on this Mundane Sphere, cause I am the presider of it. -I think I jest now saw one of them fellers light right over there. I -go for to seek my duty.” - -Then he crossed to the other side of the street, where the wooly dog -had come down in the weeds and was lost to view, and the woman she said -she never in all her life! - -But if he would kick Bildad, thats our new dog, Bildad would rend him -limb from limb, for Bil he is the king of beasts, and is give dominion -over every creepy thing. - -Dogs live to a green old age and are much esteemed, but hogs waller, -and Mister Pitchel, which is the preacher, he prays and takes up a -colection. And thats why the Bible it says be of good cheer, for ye -shall all be casted into the lake of fire and brim stone. - -One day a womans dog it bit a tramp and she said: “Poor feller, Ime so -sorry my dog et you.” - -The tramp he said: “Thats all right, lady, I et his brother.” - -When a dog waggles his tail, that makes him happy, but when a man is -happy he shakes hands and stomps on his hat. Every boy ought to have a -dog, cause boys are masculine, but girls are efemeral. - -There was a man had a dog which was a biter, the dog was, and one day -it bit the butcher which brought the meat. So when the butcher come -with the meat next day he brought along a ox liver and threw it to the -dog and said: “You eat that and let honest folks be.” - -But the liver was so bad the dog wouldn’t eat it and slank into its -kennel and the butch he went away. Bime by the man which had the dogs -wife she come out for to feed the chickens and she see the liver. So -she called the man which had the dog, and rang her hands and said: “O -Jacob, some thing awful has happened!” - -The man which had the dog he could smell the liver, and he said: “It is -a happenin now.” - -But his wife she weeped and said the dog had tore the butcher every -little tiny bit up. Then the dog sticked its head out of the kennel and -waggled its ear, much as to say: “You dont see no signs of a streggle, -do you?” - -Then the butch he come back along the road, and the woman she see him. -She was furious mad and she said to her husband: “Jacob Brown, if you -cant think of nuthing better to do than harrow your wifes feelins -up mornin, noon and night, jest for to go and tell it to your low -drinkard friends, I am a goin home to my mother.” - -Uncle Ned he says they are all jest like that, but my sisters young man -says she is different. He says the yuman eye is the mirror of the soul -and when he looks in to hern he sees a holy angel. Then she is happy. - -The colly is a dog of great inteligence and folds up the sheeps, but -when the ole ram shakes his head and stomps his feets the colly says: -“I guess I will knock off work now, for I have got the wobbles real -bad.” - -Then the sheepherd he kicks the colly, and the ole ram he buts the -sheepherd, and the little labms they gambol on the game. - -A man in Indy he lived in a lonely cabin in the jingle, and one dark -night he was woke up by a awful poundin on his door and loud calls for -help. When he opened the door a feller he jumped in and closed it and -held it fast and hollered: “Keep him out, keep him out!” - -The house man he lit a candle, and said what under the sun, and -goodness gracious, and for the lands sake, and whats up? - -The scary feller he said: “Its a tagger, thats whats up! He was a -lurkin around your door, and spranged at my throat, but I clutched him -and flang him afar. Jest look at the fur which I tored out of him!” - -The house feller he looked real close, and then he said, the house -feller did: “My friend, that is wool off of my pet lam.” - -The other chap spoke up and said: “Thats jest it, thats jest it! I -renched it out of the taggers teeths. You better go out to once and rub -some hair restorer on to your gum dasted lam.” - -Then he said good night and went away fearless in to the jingle. - -Mister Pitchel, thats the preacher, he says a naughty boy tied a tin -can to a dogs tail and the dog it ran through a Sunday school, in at -one door and out at a other, howlin like its heart was broke, and the -boys all jumped up and hollered hooray! Then Mister Pitchel he spoke up -and said: “My children, it is wicked for to cheer, cause the boy which -done that will come to a bad end.” - -Then a old deacon he said: “I guess thats so, but it looks like the dog -would get there first.” - -Uncle Ned he said: “Johnny, when the dox hoond was created it was a -roly poly feller, like a foot ball. One day Adam he told it for to go -and round up the rhi nosey rose, and the hi potamus, and the beasts -of the field, and the fools of the air, and the fishes of the sea, and -bring them in for to be give their names. And Adam he added: ‘Dont be -long about it.’ - -“But the dox, which was lazy, said to itself: ‘Ile be as long as I -please.’ - -“Adam over heard it, and called the dox back and said: ‘On the -contrary, you will be as long as I please.’ - -“Then the dox hoond it begun for to shrink at the equater and grow at -the poles, and bime by it was as it is saw to-day, a towerin horizontle -monument to the sin of dissobedience.” - -Mister Gipple he was a missionnary preacher in Madgigasker, and one -time it was Sunday. Mister Gipple is a good man and he said he would -go to church. So he went, and there was ten thousand hundred natif -niggers, all worshipin a big wood idol, which was the ugliest thing he -ever seen. Mister Gipple he was just a goin for to tell them it was -wicked to worship sech a homely god, when he see his big yellow stump -tail bull dog walk into the church and sit down longside the idol -and look his worst. Then the king of the natif niggers he come over -to Mister Gipple and nudged him and said: “See here, you ungrateful -feller, I been mighty nice to you, and give you a dozen wives, and -made you a duke, and let you wear a pecox feather, and havnt threw up -your color to you, nor et you. But there cant be only but jest one -religion here, and if you dont take that gum dasted god of yourn out of -this diocese Ile cut his ears off!” - -I asked Uncle Ned why dogs has a tail, and he said, Uncle Ned did: “The -first one, which was created in six days, hadnt one. It was a bull dog, -like the one that Mister Gipple has told you of. One day Adam met the -bull dog and said, mighty polite; ‘Good mornin.’ - -“The bull said: ‘Good mornin your self, I am glad to see you.’ - -“Adam said: ‘You dont look it, you are the maddest lookin feller which -I ever met. Why dont you smile?’ - -“So the bull dog braced his self against a tree and drew a deep breathe -and smiled. Johnny, if you have ever had the bad luck for to see a bull -dog smile I neednt dwell on that painful perform. Adam he jumped back -out of range and said: ‘Is that the best that you can do?’ - -“The bull he answered: ‘Yessir, but I could do better if I had more -teeths.’ - -“Adam said: ‘I guess there aint any more.’ - -“Then he thought a while, and bime by said: ‘Ole man, if you will -promise not to smile any more only but jest when you are furious mad I -will give you some thing for to xpress your lighter emotions with and -draw the observers atention away from where you look like you have a -grouch.’ - -“The dog said it was a whack and Adam give him a tail for to waggle -when feelin good. But mostly man kind believes the tail is lying, and -cuts it off.” - -Taggers is cats and birds is reptiles, but the dog is a manual and -brings forth his young alive. - - - - - THE PIG - - -Pigs is from ancient times. When a pig is fed it slobbers. But my -father he says that when you are a going to be killed in the fall of -the year whats the use of bein a gentleman jest for such a little time? -Some pigs which go to fairs are so fat that you cant tell which is the -head till you set down a bucket of slops, and then the end which swings -around and points at it like a campus, that is it. - -One time a feller was drivin a pig through our town with a string tied -to one of its hind feets. The feller fastened the string to a telegraph -pole and went in a saloon for to get some beer, and Jack Brily he let -the pig loose and tied a smoked ham in its place. When the feller come -out he untied the string from the telegraph pole and wound it around -his wrist, and then he looked in the weeds for his pig. He looked at -the ham, and then he looked up at the telgraph wire, and then he said: -“Lectricity is gum dasted fire! Ide jest like to get my hands on to the -man which sent that last dispatch!” - -One day a boy which went in a butcher shop had busted a button off his -jacket and was playin with it. He snapt it in some sossage meat and -then he didnt dare to ask for it out. Next day the boys father was to -the butchers house for dinner and they had sossage, cause the butcher -he knew the boys father was crazy fond of it, but the boys father he -got the brass button in his mouth. He took it out and looked at it a -long time, and then he said: “Excuse me, but where did you get the pig -which this sausage is made out of?” - -The butch he said: “I disremember.” - -Then the man he weeped and said, a other time: “Excuse me, but I guess -you got the wrong pig by the ear and have chopt up my little Charley.” - -The butch he was astonish, but he thought the man was crazy and must -be yumored, so he said, the butch did: “Thats a fact, but it was a -mistake, and if you wont say nothing about it I will give you a other -boy.” - -The man he brightend up and said: “Thats pretty fair, but excuse me, -fore we talk business I will jest help my self to a other plate of this -one.” - -Big pigs is hogs and the she one is a sow, but if I was a hog Ide look -a little higher for a wife, cause the Bible it says they shall be one -flesh. - -Mister Gipple which was one time a missionary preacher in Afca, he -said: “Johnny, di ever tell you about Mumboogla?” - -I said no he didnt, and he said: “Mumboogla has ten thousand hundred -folks and is noted for its king, which is the fattest and blackest in -the world. When I went there for to spread the light the king he sent -for me and said: ‘What new fangle religion is this which you are a -preachin?’ - -“I xpounded the livin faith to him a long while and he listened mighty -polite, but when I had got done he spoke up and said, the king did: ‘If -you had come last week I would have made all my peoples be Christians, -but it is too late, for the scales have fell from our eyes and we are -now worshipers of the Ever Lastin Truth!’ - -“Then the king called his high priest and said: ‘Take this feller and -show him the Ever Lastin Truth.’ - -“So the high he took me and shaved my head and washed me with rose -water and anointed my whiskers with oil of hummin birds and put a nice -new breech cloth on me and led me to the temple. Then he told me for -to crawl on the stomach of my belly under a star spangle curtain, and -there in the dim religious light of tallow candles held by 3 other -priests was the Ever Lastin Truth! Johnny, it was jest a great big, -shovel nose, screw tail, razor back Arkansaw hog! - -“I never felt so insulted in my life, but the Bible it says blessed -are the meek, for they shall inhabit the earth. I arose my self up to -my full statute and said: ‘Is it possible that you heathens in your -blindnesses worship that gum dasted reptile?’ - -“The high he said: ‘We sure do, cause it is a god.’ - -“I said how did he know it was, and he said: ‘Cause it is the only one -which is in the world. One night last week it come ashore in the howlin -of the storm and stampeeded a whole village. Then it put the kings -army to flight and et a major general. Then it turned to and licked a -rhi nosey rose, 3 taggers and a cracky dile, and after dessolatin 7 -provinches with fire and sword, it moved on the capital with measured -tread, and pausin a while for to scratch it self against the great Idol -of Hope and Slaughter, it entered the Temple of Black Despair, and -puttin both fore feets in the never failin fountain of maidens blood, -drinked it every drop up. By all them signs, which my holy office -enabled me to interpret, I knew it wasnt a yuman being, but a awful -god, and the king done the rest.’ - -“Then, Johnny, I remembered that a ship from Peory, Illinoy, was over -due at Mumbassy, 100 miles up the coast, and I knew that this monster -was the sole surviver. But what was the use? What kind of a chance -had Reason against Faith, in minds which had never knew the light of -Revelation? So I felt called for to deliver some other land from errors -chain, and buyin 9 camel loads of ephalents teeths with a pound of -glass beads, I sailed for Indianas coral strand.” - -But if Billy, thats my brother, had been there he would have slew the -high priest and the fat king and weltered in their gore! - -There was a pig and it was a rootin up a mans cabbage garden. The man -which owned the cabbages he snook up behind the pig and catched it by -its hind feets for to throw it over the fence. But the pig it got hold -of a cabbage stalk with its mouth and wouldnt let go. The man which -owned the cabbages said to his self: “What can I do? If I let go it -will run over my flowers, and if I dont it will pull up the cabbage.” - -Bime by the man which owned the cabbages wife she come out and see how -things was, and women dont know nothing, so she got a bucket of scaldin -hot water, and threw the water on the pig and the cabbage too, and it -killed them both, they was so boiled. The man he let go and thought a -while, and then he said to his wife: “Thank you, now jest bring the -vinigar and mustard and help your self to what you see before you.” - -I asked Uncle Ned if he knew what made pigs have a curly tail, and he -said: “Its mighty singlar about that, Johnny, and I was jest a goin to -tell you. One time in the Garden of Eden the pig it see a apple fall -from a tree and made off for to eat it. But Adam he said: ‘Hold hard, -there, my friend, apples is mighty bad medicine, cause I know how it is -my self. If you eat it you will know good from bad, and your wife wont -seem half so nice as she does now.’ - -“But the pig it wouldnt stop, so Adam catched it by the tail, but -couldnt hold it, for the tail slicked out of his hand. So he twisted -the tail round his finger and drew the pig back out of mortle peril, -but when he pulled his finger out of the twist the tail stayed curly -unto this day. - -“And now, my boy, havin give you the sientificle explain of that -phenomnon, I will tell you about the dove, cause doves is pigs too, -when it comes to eatin. One day Adam was a walkin in the Garden and -he see a dove sittin on a tree, a cooin real mornful, like it hadnt a -friend in the world, and it hadnt, for there was lots of feathers under -the tree, and Adam knew it had et its mate. But he said: ‘Poor little -feller, where does it hurt you?’ - -“The dove it said: ‘I have lost my wife, thats where it hurts me.’ - -“Adam went on without sayin any more, but about a hour later he past -that way again and seen the dove. It was all dubbled up, and its wings -was crost on the stomach of its belly, mighty sick, and makin a doleful -sounds, same as it did before. Adam he said: ‘What are you a grievin -about now, have you lost your wife again?’ - -“The dove it said: ‘Worse than that. I have found her!’ - -“Then Adam he said: ‘You cantankrous little cuss! You shall moan and -wail for ever and ever, particlarly when you are happy.’” - -Doves is the symblem of peace cause they are fraid cats, and every -livin thing can lick them easy. But the eagle he is a minister of the -upper deep! - -When the eag has et too much dove he has the colic too, and moans -awful. When Franky, thats the baby, has it mother gives him cat nip tea -and ginger and pepmint and tobasco and pain killer and perry gorick -and mustard and burnt brandy. Then the doctor he comes and gives him -a emettic, real quick, and when it is all over he says: “Madam, your -inteligence and promptness saved your childs life.” - -And that is all which is known to sience about pigs. - - - - - KANGAROONS - - -The wood chuck lives in a hole and is fat like he was butter, but the -kangaroon leaps upon the fo and rends him lim from lim! Chucks is -mammals but the kang is a grass hopper and moves in a mysterious way. -The she one has a pocket on her belly and puts every thing in it which -dont belong to her. One time a kang which was a show she got out of the -cage and stole some black smith tools and hid them in her pouch. When -she was put back in the cage the black smith come and told the show -man that some gum dasted thief had stole his kit. The show man he knew -how it was, and went in the kangs cage and took out his knife and made -believe to rip her open. Then he put his arm in her pouch and pulled -out a hammer and a tongs and some other things, and said: “Is them -yourn?” - -The black he was a stonish. He looked a while at the tools and then -he looked a while at the kang, which was eatin a wisp of hay, real -peaceful and happy, and then he looked at the show man, and bime be he -said: “No, you gam doodled hipnotist, thems opticle ilusions, but mine -was real, sure enough, flesh and blood tools.” - -The show man he said: “Is that so? Then I guess we better go and open -the ostridge.” - -But the black he was mad and left the sceene with slow and stately -tread. - -Now Ile tell you a other, which Uncle Ned told me. A scientificle -feller went to the zoo and seen a kang which was out of doors. He -looked at it a long time and then he said to a keeper, the scientificle -feller did: “You got a jewel here, cause it is a xtinct specie, which -I cant rightly name off hand. Of course it cant walk with such legs as -them, and it may be what the Scriptures call a creepin thing.” - -The keeper he said: “Maybe it will help you identify him if I tell you -his name is Rickoshay. Make a effort, Rick, and creep for the gentman.” - -Then the show man he whacked the roon on the tail with his stick, and -the roon it went away like it was shot out of a gun and in a half -dozen leaps was lost to view in a long cloud of dust. Then the other -feller he shooked his head, real wise, and said: “Once more has Science -demstrated the falibility of the Scriptures and over threw Religion.” - -A traveler in the torpid zone, where the kangaroon is to home, he see -one sittin by the road side on its haunches, and its fore paws was -hangin down on its breast like a little dogs which has been taught to -beg. The traveler had a kind heart and he said: “Here you poor hungry -thing, what ever you are, take a biscit.” - -But when he threw the biscit the kang it jumpt like lightnin a awful -distance, and when it had lit it looked back and twinkled its ears, -much as to say: “Never touched me!” - -The traveler he took out his note book and wrote: “This country is -subject to great convulshions of nature, which cause some of the most -sudden and remarkble up heavels known to science and baffles the -generous instinckts of the yuman heart.” - -But my sisters young man, which told me the story, he says the greatest -up heavle known to science is when the hi potamus rises from his beauty -sleep and salutes the dawn. - -The old he kangaroon is a stag and the she feller is a duck bill and -the little ones is katy dids, and thats why I say variety is the staff -of life. The kangs tail is the biggest in the world and is highly -respected for soup, but Jack Brily, which is the wicked sailor, says -give him plum duff and a spankin breeze! - -Jack says he was one time ship wreck on a island, and was caught by -some native niggers which took him before their king and said: “If you -please, here is one of them gods which is some times washed ashore when -the wind is west.” - -The king he loocked at Jack a while, and bime by he said: “Take him out -and lick him till he gives us good weather for the coco nuts.” - -Jack he spoke up and said, Jack did: “I aint that kind of god. The one -which could rule the weather was et by a shark jest fore he reached the -land. Ime the feller which bestows good government.” - -The king said: “Then we havnt no use for you, cause we are mighty well -off that way.” - -But one of the natif niggers he said: “I dont know about that. I guess -we better lick him any how and see what comes of it.” - -Jack he said: “Never mind about the lickin, I will waive all pomp and -ceremony and give you good govment any how if you do as I say, jest -like they have in America, where I am worshipt the hardest. What kind -of a king is that feller?” - -The Prime Minister he said he was a mighty good one, cause he had been -kingin all his life. - -Jack he said: “Then what you need is rotasion in office. Turn him out -to once and put in a new man which nearly one half the peoples have -said they didn’t want.” - -The natifs said there wasn’t any sech man, cause when ever a bad man -was seen he was took up and skinned alive. Jack he thought a while, and -bime by he said: “Got any of them skins?” - -They said they guessed the last one took was in the rogues galery, and -Jack said: “Stuff it and make it Presdent, and you will have liberty.” - -A nigger he spoke up and said: “We have liberty, what is a Presdent?” - -Jest then a other nigger come up, with a grip sack in his hand, and he -said: “Where I come from we have a Presdent, what is liberty?” - -Then Jack walked over to that feller and shook his hand and said: “I -am dog gone glad for to see you, old man, how was things goin when you -left New York?” - -Patrick Henry he said: “Give me liberty or treat me mighty well in -jail,” but George Washington he waved his big sticker and shouted the -bottle cry of fredom! - - - - - EPHALENTS - - -Ephalents is the biggest thing in the world, and it has got a proboscus -with a hole through it. Some times the eph it gets its proboscus full -of muddy water and blows it sky high and would put out a fire if there -was one. The eph he has got a ear like the star spangle banner, but -he cant wave it oer the home of the brave. Billy he says once a man -put his head in a ephalents mouth, but their teeth is outside, so the -feller which didnt was braver. - -The ephs proboscus is its nose, and old Gaffer Peters has a long one -too. One night old Gaffer was to our house and his shadow was on the -wall, and Uncle Ned he said for him to sit still and he would draw his -profile. So Uncle Ned drew it on the wall, and made the nose about -a foot long, you never seen such a nose! My father he said: “What -a strikin likeness, I would have knew it with my eyes shut,” but -old Gaffer he didn’t say nothing. But pretty soon he pulled out his -hankchef and blew his nose, and said: “I got a mighty bad cold.” - -Bime by he blew it again and said: “This cold of mine is a goin to -carry me to my grave.” - -After a while he blew it some more and said: “What a dredfull swell up -nose a bad cold gives a man in this gum dasted climate!” - -Mister Gipple he says that one time in Mully Gatawny there was a battle -be tween the wites and the natif niggers, and the wites licked. Then -the wite general he said to his mahoot, which is the feller which rides -a ephalent and jabs its ears: “Here, Kibosh, you take your quadped and -ride over the battle field and count the slained and the wounded of -the enemy, never mind ourn. I want to make a roarin good report to the -Govment. You will have to be mighty careful or you will miss some of -them.” - -The mahoot he said: “Yessir, my eph is mighty sharp sighted with his -feets.” - -Late in the evenin the mahoot came a jabbin his eph up to head quarter, -and the poor thing was so tired that it wobbled, and its feet and laigs -was red, like they was painted. The gen he said: “Kibosh, I fear there -was a accdent to some poor feller. Didnt I tell you that menaggery of -yourn would have to be careful about steppin on the wounded?” - -Ki he sed: “Yessir, so he was, sir, I dont think he missed a single -nigger.” - -The general, which was a good man, was awful shocked, and he wrote in -his report: “I am sorry for to have to add that after the battle all -of the wounded natifs, bein exposed to the open air, was atacked by -a disease pecular to this climate, and phisicians was in vain. This -scurge of the tropics is known as elphantiasis, or flatty degeneration -of the chest. Make me a duke.” - -But the Bible it says we are all worms of the dust where there is any -dust for to be a worm of. - -A other time Mister Gipple said: “Johnny, di ever tell you about the -great king of Googum? I was in Googum when he died, and I asked the -Prime Minister and the High Priest might I make a few remarks at the -grave. The Prime said he guessed it would be all right if I wouldnt -take up a colection, and the High said he would be mighty glad if I -would relieve him of a sacred duty, cause he wanted to go a fishin. -So on the day of the funeral I went to the grave. Johnny, you have -frequent saw in the news papers a large audience discribed as ‘a sea of -up turned faces.’ It was that way there. But, Johnny, the up turned -faces was all detatched from their respective bodies! - -“Bime by the Prime came. I swallered my feel as well as I could and -said: ‘I spose this is the custom of the country.’ - -“The Prime he said: ‘Yes, when the king dies we try for to make it a -occasion of public sorry.’ - -“Then I said: ‘Where is my audience?’ - -“The Prime he said: ‘Ime him.’ - -“I said: ‘How about the mourners?’ - -“The Prime he said: ‘All them which we could catch are here, exceptin -the public executor, which is tired and has gone home. Ile fetch him if -you would like to make his acquaint.’ - -“I thought a while, then I said: ‘No, dont deprive him of his much -needed rest. I met him in Illinoy.’ - -“Then the Prime looked at his watch and said: ‘It is time for you to -begin the remarks.’ - -“Then I rose my self up to my full highness and looked him in the eye, -like I was a eagle, and said: ‘The only remarks which I feel inspired -for to make is that of all the gum dasted galoots and cantankers that -I ever met you are the head center, the xtreme limit, the farthest -north! If I had had you over in New Jersey, where your cries couldnt be -heard up at the mercy seat, Ide lambaste you til your unbelievin soul -would quit its tennement of mud and fly to evils that it knows not of!’ - -“Then, Johnny, I departed out of that place of wrath and tears by leaps -and bounds and came back to the land of the free, where a feller which -behaves hisself neednt hold his head on with both hands, where the -Repubcan party scatters peace and plenty of offices oer a smilin land, -and where if the Presdent was to die every day of his life a other -would be elected without sacrificial rites.” - -But if the public xecutor would come for to cut my head off cause the -king died I would cleave him into twain! - - - - - THE TOOTSY WOOTSY - - -Uncle Ned he said: “Johnny, you have wrote about all the other quadpeds -which roam the plain, but I guess you have forgot the tootsy wootsy.” - -I said what was it like, and Uncle Ned he said, Uncle Ned did: “It -isnt like any thing which is on the earth, or in the heavens under the -earth, or in the whisky and water which is all over the earth, but -jest get your pencil and write what I say about it, for I have been in -Pattigony and seen it in its natif wild.” - -So Uncle Ned he lit his pipe and laid the blazin match real careful on -Mose which is the cats back, which springed away like he was shot out -of a gun, and said, Uncle Ned did: “The tootsy wootsy is found in many -lands, for it is mighty audible and you cant miss it.” - -I said: “Is it a animal, or a bird, or a fish, or only jest a inseck?” - -Uncle Ned he said: “It is in a class by it self, though it is some like -all them fellers, and snakes too. The color of the tootsy is unknown -to science, for, as Shakspeare says, it is subdude to what it works -in, which is mostly dirt. When it is washed with hydrate of soap it is -fire red from xertion and howl. It is a domesticle beast, same as the -hi potamus, and roars like distant thunder. You will naturally want to -know what it lives on, and that is the most singlar thing, cause it -hasnt got much teeth, as a general rule, yet it is a beast of prey. -Every thing which it can catch goes in to its mouth, and it is frequent -pizened. - -“The tootsy wootsy doesn’t live to a great age, like the ephalent, the -turtle and the testator, but when 3 or 4 summers has past over its head -it changes from a quaderped into a brat.” - -I said what was brats, and he said: “A brat, my boy, is the frog of -which the tootsy is the tad pole, or polly wog.” - -Then I asked him did the toot drop its tail, like the wog, and he said: -“I cant jest recollect whether it has a tail or not, but if it has I -guess it better drop it, cause when it becomes a brat its mother, which -is a great imitator of yuman being’s will wear it off with her palm.” - -Then I said: “If I met a tootsy wootsy I would draw my big sword and -cut its head off, and smash the spine of its back, and holler hooray!” - -Uncle Ned he said: “Yes, I know you would, cause you are brave like -soldiers, but jest now I guess you better go and wipe Frankys nose and -slick him up a bit, poor little feller, cause his father is a comin -home pretty soon, and we will give him the supprise of his life.” - -So I washed Franky up, real nice and white, which howled, and Uncle Ned -comed his hair. Bime by my father he come in, and while he was a takin -off his over coat he see Franky and stopped with it half off. He looked -a while and then he took the over coat the other half off and hung it -up and came back and said: “That child looks quite a little like our -Franky, doesnt it, Edard? Whose is he?” - - - - - GRASS HOPPERS - - -Mister Gipple he says in Africa the natif niggers eats nothing only -but just grass hoppers, and one time a nig he see a hopper sittin on -a stone, with its feets pulled in, all ready for to jump. The natif -nigger he smiled sad, like a hi potamus, and said: “How mournful to -think that fellers which is like 2 brothers should distrust one a other -jest cause I am a nigger, which has a black skin, how can I help that?” - -But the hopper it wiggled one whisker, much as to say: “It isnt the -color of your skin, old man, but the un neighborly way which you have -of tuckin it out.” - -Bildad, thats the new dog, was sick one day and et a blade of grass -for to make hisself throw it up, but there was a hopper on the grass -and before Bildad chewed it he noticed that some thing was the matter -and he opened his mouth again and stood real still for to see what -would happen, but the hopper it kept a jumpin in Bildads mouth. Then he -started in and shook his head so fast you couldnt see it, but it was no -use. Pretty soon he stopped to see if it was all right, but it wasnt. -Then he got down on his knees and rubbed his hed on the ground, first -on one side and then on the other, and my father he spoke up and said, -fore he thought: “Look at that dog a stroppin his razor!” - -The Bible it says awful things will happen to them which eats grass -like Nebbicudnezer. I asked Jack Brily, which is the wicked sailor, -what was the awfulest thing which ever happened to him. Jack he thought -a while and then he said, Jack did: - -“Johnny, a feller which his life is on the ocean wave has a lot of -blood cuddling adventers that he hasnt got time for to classify -accordin to their awfulness, and maybe I am mistook in thinkin that -the one which I am about to relate is the limit, but it made me stop -follerin the sea and stay home for to help my father in the meat shop. - -“One time I was on a ship which was casted away, and I was the only man -which wasn’t drownded, cause I had stole the boat. The wind it blew me -right toward a great wall of rock where I knew I would be smashed to -frogments, but Provdence, which watches over good men, directed the -boat into a cave, where the water was smooth. I couldnt row out and -if I stayed there I would starve, so I jest pulled further in. But -the cave didnt have no end, and it was pitch dark. I kept on rowing -for many days, maybe, till I see a light, and bime by I came out into -a open sea again. The wall of rock was jest like it was on the other -side where I went in, and seein that I couldnt climb it I steered for -a island which I seen in the offing, and there I set my feets on tera -firmly once more. - -“After offerin up thanks to the god of that country and makin a -bountiful repast off a dead fish which lay on the beach describin -itself with great loquacity in the language of flowers, I started -inland for to find the natif niggers, but pretty soon I seen a sailor -which had sea weed in his hair and eyes like them of the fish which I -had et. I said: ‘Hello, shipmate, what country is this?’ - -“The feller he stared at me a long time out of his fish eyes, real -spooky, and bime by he said: ‘This is the Land of Drownded Sailors.’ - -“Then I seen about a thousand million drownded sailors which I hadnt -noticed, some like him and some worse. They all had sea weed in their -hair and eyes like hisn, but some was black and some was yellow and -some was white and some was French, and they all wore the clothes they -was drownded in. They didnt say much, but they spoke in every tongue -which is known to man, and Dutch too. Some was a playin cards, and some -was a splicin ropes, and some was makin believe to scrub the decks, and -some was a tattooin the others arms, and some was a carvin pictures -on walrus teeths, and some was a fightin mity solemn to inattentive -audiences, and every thing which sailor men do for to pass the time. -When they see me they all knocked off work and arose up as one man and -crowded around me and pointed their fingers at me, unmovin, like I was -a show! And that is the awfulest thing which has ever befel me except -bein born.” - -I asked Jack what did he do for to escape. Just then Uncle Ned, which -had come in and heard the last part of the story, he spoke up and said, -Uncle Ned did: “Johnny, you will have to excuse the witness, for he -cant be compelled to say any thing which will disgrace him, so I will -jest answer that question my own self. He escaped from them terrible -fellers by lyin down and sleepin it off.” - - - - - DOMESTICAL HENS - - -Hens is good to eat, but not the old he ones, which is a fighter. They -lay eggs and cackle. Some boys can cackle as good as a hen, but no -eggs. Hens dont lay eggs on Sunday, but the minister he preaches. Billy -says if the hens didnt lay eggs they would bust and if the minister -didnt preach he would be sick. Our old hen she wanted for to set, but -father he didnt, so he boiled a egg real hot and laid it in her nest. -She went and straddled it and looked up at father like he was a fool. -Then she shaked her self together and shut up her eyes and settled down -to her work, much as to say: “You see I am a havin my way about this -thing.” - -But pretty soon she gave a awful squok and jumped up and run round and -round, like her head was cut off and she couldnt see her way. After -that she was so afraid of eggs that when she couldnt help layin one she -would run and fly, and some times the egg was lain in one place and -some times it wasnt. One time she laid it on the roof of the church and -it rolled off and busted on a toomb stone close to where my father -stood a talkin to old Gaffer Peters. Old Gaffer he looked up to the -weather cock on the steeple and shook his head and said: “Ive been agin -that dam thing from the first.” - -Mister Gipple he says a boy found some owl eggs and put them under a -settin hen, cause they wasnt good for to suck. When they was hatched -the old hen was mighty proud of them, like my mother is of Franky, -thats the baby, but Mary, thats the house maid, she likes the butcher -boy which brings the meat. One day the old rooster he said to the old -hen: “Did you ever take notice what eyes them chicks of yourn has?” - -The old hen she said: “Yes, they look so wise I am afraid they arent -long for this world, poor darlings.” - -The old rooster he shook his head and went away, but a other day he -come back and said: “Them gum dasted chickens of yourn, which aint long -for this world, are playin the old Nick while they stay. They jest -now piled on to the yellow leg pullet and et her up in a minute, poor -darlings.” - -The hen she thought a while, and then she said: “Thats a mighty good -disposition for them to have, for they will protect me from owls.” - -Then a other hen she spoke up and said: “Judgin from the looks of some -folkses chicks I guess they aint so fraid of owls as they make believe.” - -But if I couldnt tell a better story than that I would teach school. - -One day a feller a plantin potatoes see a hawk a sittin on a hens nest -and there was lots of feathers around, like a pillow had broke open. -The feller he looked at the hawk a while, and then he said: “Well, -Ile be gam doodled! You will make a nice mother for a brood of young -chickens, wont you?” - -The hawk he said: “Well, what kind of a mother be you for a field of -new potatoes?” - -Mister Jonnice, which has the wood leg, he says it was mighty -thoughtful in the Creator to provide chickens for the hawks, but Uncle -Ned he says it wasn’t quite so thoughtful in him to provide hawks for -the chickens. One night when Mister Jonnice stayed to our house he hung -his wood leg on the knob of his bed room door, out side, for to have -fun with Mary, thats the house maid, cause his wood leg looks just like -it was a meat one, only whiter. In the morning Mary she came to my -mother and said: “O, if you please, mam, I guess the gent which slept -in the spare room cant get his door open, cause he is a comin out -through the key hole.” - -A other time when Mister Jonnice was to our house Missis Doppy was here -too, which has got the red head, you never seen any thing so red. When -she had gone home Mister Jonnice he said: “If I was that womans husband -Ide use her head for the parlor fier.” - -Then Missy, thats my sister, she spoke up and said: “I suppose you -would use your leg for a back log.” - -One day Missis Doppy was here and stayed a long time, and bime by she -went in my mothers bed room and was a combin her hair. Uncle Ned past -the door and looked in, and then he came down stairs and said: “I guess -she is a firin up to be off, I seen her a rakin out the cinders.” - -Mister Pitchel, thats the preacher, he says it is wicked to make fun of -folkses miss fortunes, cause it is all for some wise purpose, and Uncle -Ned he says yes, and Missis Doppys head is a mighty conspicus instance -and a shiny xample. - -Hens is some time stole, and one time some wicked fellers which was -in jail they kept a breakin out at night and stealin hens. So the man -which kept the jail he said he would put a stop to that, and he had a -other coat of paint put on the jail for to make it stronger. But the -painter had put salt in the paint and the cows licked it off and the -fellers broke out a again and stole more hens. That made the jail man -mad and he said: “This aint no place for thiefs, and you fellers has -got to behave your selfs or Ile put you out of here and you will have -to rustle round for your livin the best way you can.” - -Roosters crow, but when there isnt any rooster the old hen she crows -for to teach the little fellers how. But such crowin!—just like a -sufferget hollerin hip, hip, hooray! - -My father he said to Mister Gipple, my father did: “I guess you and -Johnnys Uncle Edard is mighty hard worked a tryin to see which can tell -him the biggest lie. Maybe you better give your selfs a good long rest.” - -Mister Gipple he thought a while and then he said: “May I tell him jest -one about my marriage in Africa, cause it is true?” - -My father he said: “O, you be dratted, I have knew Missis Gip ever -since she was a little feller, and I know you married her in Illinoy.” - -Mister Gipple said: “I hope to die if it isnt so, jest as I said.” - -Then my father he said: “All right, you may tell him, but I dont want -to hear it, so Ile read this news paper.” - -So Mister Gipple told me for to come closer, so as not to interupt a -man which was readin, and father he took out his spetacles and wiped -them real careful, and put them on his nose, and begun for to read the -paper just like he had never saw a other paper, only but just that one. -Then Mister Gipple he said: “Johnny, one time while I was a missionary -preacher in Africa I was mighty lonely and said to the king of the -natif niggers: ‘All you fellers is married, but I havnt got any, cause -she is in Illinoy. Spose you let me have a wife too.’ - -“The king he said: ‘You aint nothing but a gum dasted white man, but -you have been pretty decent about givin me rum and tobacco and showin -me how to save my soul, so Ile give you all the wives that you can eat.’ - -“I thanked him and went to my shack and lay down for to dream of -conjuggle happiness, but about mid night I was awoke by a awful yellin -and hammerin on gongs, and when I looked out the whole horizon was lit -up with bon fires and I could see all the natif niggers a dancin and a -carryin on like they was crazy drunk. - -“Next mornin I went to the king and asked him what was the trouble, -and he said, the king did: ‘No trouble at all, the high priest he -married you last night and my loyal subjects was a cellebratin the -nupitals. Every thing has been done proper, acordin to your station in -life and you now have wives enough for to last a long time if you are -economicle. There they are.’ - -“Johnny, that bad man pointed to a cage of monkeys! Yes, my boy, they -had made a gam doodled poligamer of me by marryin me to a lot of long -tail, rib nose, jabberin apes and baboons. And me a piller of the -Methody church in good standin! Johnny, my domestical life was unhappy, -for I dont like monkey any way which it can be cooked.” - -Then my father he spoke up and said: “What did you do with them?” - -Mister Gipple he said: “Hello! aint there any news in that paper? I -thought you was a great reader, which makes a man mighty wise. But if -you want to know, I got a divorce on the ground of failure to provide.” - -But if me and Billy was married to monkeys we would cumber the earth -with heaps of slain, for the Constution it says man and wife are one -flesh, which is grass. - - - - - THE BUFLO - - -The buf is found in all the big eastern cities. The she ones is called -a cow cause she bellows loud and shrill, but the little one he is a -sucker. The buflo is a natif of Omaha, but the peoples there they said: -“O, whats the use, for the mooley cow is more milky and cant gore.” - -The buf has got a mane like a lions mane, but when he springs onto his -prey and wrenches it from the earth the sheeps they laughf and say they -could have done that thir own selfs. - -One time some soldiers they lay down in the prairie for to sleep. Their -guide was a young feller which wore 3 revolvers and a big boy knife and -had long yellow hair. In the middle of the night he was heard to holler -like he was cats, cause some bufs had strayed in to camp for to eat -grass, and thats what made the guide wish his self back in Boston. The -captain of the soldiers he asked him what was up, and the guide said: -“Some bodys gum dasted cow took me by the hair and swang me round till -it pulled out, thats whats up!” - -The captain he said: “Well, what you kickin about? Animals which pulls -up grass always has to shake the dirt off the roots, don’t they?” - -My sisters young man he says once there was a buf in the Zoo, and a -Injin came for to see him. The buf he looked at the Injin, too, and -bime by he said, the buf did: “How is the dusky chieftain of the -Galoots, and how does it feel to wear the stopipe hat and frock coat of -the Paleface?” - -The Injin he thought a while, and then he said: “If me and you was to -home you would have some thing else to think about than the spring -styles of gents cloes.” - -The buf he sighed and said: “The words of the great Swaller-His-Blanket -brings back the light of other days most peculiar, the days when we -roamed the plain together and you was always a little ahead.” - -The Injin spoke up and said: “Yes, events did move pretty rapid them -days, but it wasn’t real progress like 20 dollars a week, for to do a -scalp dance in a show.” - -The buf he wank his eye and said: “Ime fairly comfortable too, only -but jest when I have a pain in the stomach of my belly from too much -clover.” - -But if I was a buflo I rather be a rain deer and gallop oer the snow -beneath the aurory boryalis, hooray! - -Uncle Ned he said: “Johnny, do you know how Mister Jonnice, which has -the wood leg, lost his meat one?” - -I said: “Yessir, it was bit off by a cracky dile, and pulled out by a -shark, and amptated for to cure the go out, and flang off when he ran -after the fleein enemies at Gettysburg.” - -Uncle Ned he said: “My boy, you have been listenin to him instead of -consultin the best authoritys. Mister Jonnice was one time huntin -bufloes in Wyoming, and he had slottered so many he was tired, so he -lay down on a rock for to rest. Pretty soon a kioty came along, and the -ki showed his teeths and said, ironicle: ‘Lets hunt together.’ - -“Mister Jonnice said: ‘Ide like to, but the fact is Ime about to go -away, a leavin you so far behind that we cant.’ - -“Then Mister Jonnice he departed, mighty awkward but surprisin fast, -and disapeared over the horizon. The ki he looked a while, and then he -said: ‘All right, if I cant get what I want Ile take what I can get, -and a half of a loaf is better than nothing to eat.’ - -“So the ki it et Mister Jonnices leg every little tiny bit up. - -“You see, Johnny, when the convsation began the leg was asleep, and -Mister Jonnice hadnt time for to wake it up, but bein a brave man he -had hopped away without it.” - -But the zeebry is the swiftest thing which is in the world, and the hi -potamus roars like he was a brigdier general, and then the rhi nosey -rose winks his eye, much as to say: “Hark, I hear a angel sing.” - - - - - SHEEPS - - -The he sheep is a ram and the she is a you and the little feller is -lambs. Lambs is playful, and when the sun is shinin warm in the spring -they turn out and have a stunnin good time, and thats why The Bible it -says for to go it while you are young. When a sheep has been sheared it -doesnt look very civilized, more like it was sick. Mister Gipple says -one time a scientifical feller he surprised a young you which had been -sheared the first time, and she blushed so rosy that he wrote to the -presdent of his college: “I have discovered a new specie of red dog, -which I have named _Canis rubicutis_, make me a professor of animals, -with a salary of one thousand hundred dollars a year and board.” But my -sister she can turn real red too when I tell her that bitin her young -man isnt fair play. - -A old you she had a labm, and one day she was sheared. When the labm it -came to her for to get its dinner it stopped and looked at her a while, -and then it backed away and made a bow, much as to say: “I beg your -pardon, I didnt know you was that way. I will wait.” - -Uncle Ned he said to my sister: “Missy, I have some mighty bad news for -you, but you must brace up and try for to bear it. Me and Mister Gipple -was out in the country yester day, and we caught your young man eatin a -dead sheep.” - -Missy she most fainted, and she said: “You wicked man, it isnt so, -where was it?” - -Then Uncle Ned he said, Uncle Ned did: “It was in the dining room of a -way side inn.” - -I never have see such a furious girl like Missy was, but Uncle Ned he -says every woman is a fo to the truth and I better be ware how I tell -it. - -Dead sheeps is mutton, but canibles eat their selves and is happy. When -Jack Brily was casted a way on a island he seen 2 canibles meet, and -one said to the other how did he do, and the other he said: “O, Ime -jest fine—fit for to set before a king.” - -A other time Jack was ship wreck, and him and the captain was threw on -a bare rock, where they came near starvin to death. So they drawed lots -to see which one should be et by the other, and the captain he lost. -Then he said, the captain did: “Well, my man, you didnt think me and -you would ever be mess mates, did you?” - -Jack he said: “No sir, I sure didnt expect sech a honor as to meet you -at dinner, and the worst of it is that I havnt my ditty bag and cant -slick my self up a bit.” - -There was a old ram which licked all the other rams which are in the -world, so one day a feller which the old ram had licked hisn he see him -comin, and he took a big lookin glass, the feller did, and set it up -on the river bank long side the road. The ram he see it and shook his -head and said: “You gum dasted homely galoot, if you think you can hide -behind that picture frame you are mistook.” - -So he backed off and let drive like he was shot out of a cannon and -busted through the lookin glass and went down in to the river. Bime by -he was washed a shore and stood up on his feets with the cold water a -runnin out of his wool, like he was a spunge. Then he shet up his eyes -for to think, cause he was all mixed up in his mind, and bime by he -said, real thoughtful: “Braveness is the soldiers hope. I wont never -again hide behind a picture frame for to sass a other feller which is -goin a long the road a mindin his own business.” - -Missis Doppy she says her little Sammy is a labm, but I dont see no -wool, nothing only but just dirt. One day Sammy tore his trousers, -which was brown, and she put a blue patch on the place. Pretty soon -after she and him was to our house, and my father he said: “Missis -Doppy, that is a mighty fine boy of yourn.” - -Missis Doppy was real pleased, and she said: “Yes, indeed, he is just a -little angel right down from Heaven.” - -My father he smoked his pipe in silents for a while, then he said: -“That little angel of yourn seems to have brought a piece of the sky -down with him.” - -You never seen such a furious woman as Missis Doppy was in your life, -and Billy didn’t in hisn, but the Bible it says we shouldnt ever let -our hungry passions arise, cause them which takes up the sword shall be -for ever exalted. - -Labms is so famous that they have statutes in all the grave yards, just -like soldiers in Washington, and now I will tell you a story which my -sisters young man told me. - -One time General Grant, which was the greatest man in the world, was -a bein showed the statutes which adorn the city of Washinton, and he -said, General Grant did: “I never seen such a lot of gam doodled scare -crows!” - -Then a good man which was a preacher he spoke up and said: “General, -you oughtnt to swear, cause the wicked shall be casted in to Hell.” - -The General he said: “Thank you, I shouldnt mind that so very much, but -I sure dont want to be casted in to bronze.” - -Statutes is made by sculptors, and thats why I say every creepin thing -brings 4th after its own kind and multiplies excessive. - - - - - DUCKS - - -I said did Uncle Ned know what makes water run off a ducks back, and he -said: “Yes, my boy, thats about the only thing that I am prepaired for -to take a examnation on with out cribbin from the tex book. One time in -the garden of Eden, Adam, which was takin home a bucket of coal oil, -see the frog a sittin a sleep in the grass, and then he see the duck. -The duck it snook up and pecked the frog real cruel on the spine of -its back. If you catch a frog you will see the hump where its back was -broke. - -“Adam he said: ‘You gum dasted beast of the field, why did you do that?’ - -“The duck tost its head contemptible and sed: ‘Cause he makes me tired, -he is so disgustin clean, always takin a bath.’ - -“Adam said: ‘Dont you ever take a bath your own self?’ - -“The duck it said: ‘No, I dont, cause cleanity is only but jest a -habit, and water is pizen.’ - -“That made Adam so mad that he flang the whole bucket of oil on the -duck, which smelt awful and has been aquaticle ever since. It swims -and dives and splashes all the life long day for to wash the oil off, -but the water wont take hold.” - -I said why didnt the ducks wash their selfs with soap, but Uncle Ned he -shook his head real mournful and said: “No, no, I have suggested that -reform to them many a time and oft, but the march of mind is mighty -slow in this world and, so far, they wont do any thing only but just -eat the soap.” - -Ducks quack and the eagle he screams, and the high eany it laughfs when -there isnt any thing funny, the cammel he snorts out of his nose and -Franky, thats the baby, he gets soap in his eye and is like the battles -roar! Frankys eyes is blue, but my sisters young mans is gray, and when -she looks into hisn he looks into hern. And thats why I say how wondful -are the works of Provdence! - -One day when him and her was to the picture gally she seen one which -she liked real well and she said: “Isnt that a duck of a paintin?” - -Then he said: “Yes, indeed, I seen the other side of it. It is a canvas -back.” - -But Uncle Ned says if he couldn’t make better jokes than that he would -write for the comicle papers and defy detecktion! - -Mister Jonnice, which has the wood leg, he says one time he went to New -Jersey for to be an editor of a comicle paper, and the second day a -feller came in the office, wearin a long black coat and lookin like his -heart was broke. He said good mornin mighty solemn and Mister Jonnice -he said: “Welcome to the Temple of Meriment, cheer up and have a chair, -hows buisness?” - -The feller he said: “That depends a good deal on you.” - -Mister Jonnice he spoke up a other time and said: “All right, Ile -go home and ring the neck of my little girl and pizen my wife and -discumbowel my father.” - -The sollemn feller said: “You fill me with horrible! I beg you for to -pawse and consider what a wicked thing that would be to do.” - -Then Mister Jonnice he thought a while and bime by he said, soft and -low: “Yes, I guess maybe it might be looked at that way, and I wouldnt -do sech things only but for to help you.” - -The feller he looked like he didnt under stand, then he said, the -feller did: “Excuse me if I seem hard for to please, but how would them -actions help me?” - -Mister Jonnice said: “Why, aint you a a under taker?” - -The feller he looked mournfuller than ever and said: “Alas, no, I am -Rollickin Ralf, your chief contributer. God willin, me and you will -make the Temple resound with gle.” - -The Bible it says thou shall not kill, cause them which is killed they -shall be casted in to a lake of milk and honey, where the worm tieth a -knot and the fire is not quenched. - - - - - THE NUMPORAUCUS - - -Mister Gipple he said: “Johnny, di ever tell you about the numporaucus?” - -I said he didnt, and then he said: “The nump is by many considered the -king of beasts, for its roar is like the voice of doom, and when it is -heard at midnights holy hour the heathen in his blindness says he must -put up a lightnin rod first thing in the mornin. But when the day dawns -bright and fair like a angels face he knows it was only just the nump -a talkin in his sleep. Johnny, as you justly say, the cracky dile is a -microbe and the skin of the rhi nosey rose isnt made to measure, but -the nump is a one legger and skowers the plane like a thing of life.” - -I said where was it found, and he said, Mister Gipple did: “There is a -dispute about that among scientificle fellers, cause no body which has -found a nump has come back for to tell the tale. Some believes it to -inhabbit the equator, but others say it is a scallywag. The one which I -seen was in New Jersey, where I was a missonary to the natif niggers. -One day I catched a natif and was a lickin him for bowin down to wood -and stone, when a big black shadow fel a thwort the scene of spiritual -contversy. With a few well choosen words I brought the services to -a close and looked up for to pronounce the bennediction and there, -between me and the noondy sun towered a giant numporaucus! It was as -big as a house of the same size and its eye was as the full moon when -lovers whisper their vows of ever lastingness. - -“Johnny, I was mighty scary for a man which was married and had met -the lightnin eye to eye quite frequent, and I couldnt think of a word -to say. The nump it stood on its lonely leg and looked at me a while, -mighty reticent, and then it stept forward and took my neck between -its teeths and I knew no more! When consience returned I was in my -own country, a runnin for office, to which I had the bad luck to be -defeated by a over weening majority. - -“The years rolled on and one day I read in the paper that on the polmy -plains of New Jersey a skulleton had been found with its neck bit -in 2! A natif niger which would carry to his grave the marks of his -conversion to the Bible was asked what he knew about it. He wank his -eye mighty mournful, much as to say he could tell a good deal more if -he wanted to, and I guess he could, for he was a dandy talker and had -arose to high distincktion in the church.” - -I asked Mister Gipple who the natif nigger was and he said: “Never mind -that, Johnny, for it doesnt matter much. What worries me is who I am my -own self.” - -But if me and Billy met a nump we would fall up on him with fire and -sword and strech him dead up on the plain! The Bible it says to resist -evil and it will fle as a bird, and thats why I say be up and doin, for -the sluggerd goes to the ant and is bit. - -Mister Gipple says that one time Mister Jonnice, which has the wood -leg, was a sittin by the road side in the Cannible Island and a big -natif nigger came a long with nothing on but a stopipe hat. The stumach -of the natif niggers belly it stuck out be fore him, real round, and -he was a drummin on it with his 2 hands, mighty cumftable. When he see -Mister Jonnice he stopt and looked at him a while, and then he said: -“Poor feller, you seem to have lost your laig.” - -Mister Jonnice he spoke up and said: “Yessir, and you seem for to have -found it and et it.” - -My sisters young man says if he had a wood leg he would take it to a -massadger and tell him to put some ginger in to it. - -Ginger bread, nice and sticky is the stuff of life, and makes a man -healthy, wealthy and wise. - - - - - MOLES - - -Uncle Ned he said: “Johnny, you have pained me by your indifference to -the mole. I can only lay it to your ignance, cause maybe you don’t know -there is such a feller.” - -Then I spoke up and said: “The mole is amphibious and lives in the -ground. It hasent got any eyes, but its nose is like a awger, cause -it can bore through the solid rock and come out on the other side and -holler hooray! The fur of the mole is slick and shiny and makes good -mufs. Girls wears mufs but boys is kings and can stand on their head. -Girls is cry babys, and if I was a girl I rather be a fellers wife and -roar like distant thunder.” - -Then Uncle Ned he said: “Johnny, I see that I was mistook. You are not -ignant about moles, and you are mighty well informed about girls. My -charge of indifference arose out of the fact that you never asked me -why the mole doesnt come out of the ground for to bask in the light -of day and survey mankind with comperhensive view. I should think a -bright, scientificle boy like you would want to know that, same as to -learn why the beaver has a flat tail, and how the cammle got his hunch -and what makes the buttigoat have whiskers.” - -I asked him why was it, and he said: “Thats what I knocked off work a -plantin potatoes, to come in and tell you, for knowlidge is power. - -“One time Adam he was a diggin post holes in the Garden of Eden, -when the mole it come along and said good mornin, cause the mole it -was created real sociable. Adam he was grouchy, cause Eve had sassed -him, and he dident say any thing. Then the mole said: ‘If I was give -dominion over ol the beasts of the field, as you be, I wouldnt be -diggin holes, Ide make the woodchuck do it for me, which is more -skillfle.’ - -“That made Adam furious, like he was a wet cat, and he said: ‘I dont -want advice from any gun dasted squirel of the air.’ So he catched the -mole and flang it in to the post hole which he had dugged, and said: -‘Ile be gam doodled if I dont burry you alive for your impidence!’ - -“Then he begun for to fill up the hole, and the mole it spoke up real -solemn and said: ‘Ime laid here in the shure and certain hope of a -blessed resuraction.’ - -“But Adam he said: ‘That hope will be blasted. You shant ever arise -from the dead till Gabrial blows his horn and eccho ansers from the -hill.’ - -“And, Johnny, thats why the mole, which tils the soil real industrious, -never comes up for to view the land scape oer.” - -One day Billy he come home a holdin up a mole by the tail, which some -boy had give him, and the mole it was a live. - -When my mother she see him she said: “O you cruel, cruel boy! Throw it -in the fire this minute!” - -One Sunday Mister Pitchel, thats the preacher, he was to our house, and -mother she read out of a paper about Doctor Tanner, which didn’t eat -any thing for 40 days, and she said, mother did: “Stuff and non sense, -he would have died.” - -Father he said: “I dont know about that. Bears stay in hollow trees all -winter and live by suckin their feets.” - -Mister Pitchel he thought a while, and bime by he looked up at the -ceilin a while, real sollemn, and then he said: “There was a greater -than Docktor Tanner, and He fasted forty days and forty nights in the -wildness. Does any of you know what it was which sustained Him?” - -Then Billy he spoke up real quick and said: “Sucked his feets!” - - - - - THE GOFURIOUS - - -The Gofurious is the monarck of the mountains, and Uncle Ned he says -its roar is like ocean on a western beach. The go rises with the lark, -and when he shakes hisself the stars shoots madly from their spheres! -But the rhi nosey rose looks up from his dinner and says: “Nothin doin.” - -One day a rhi met a go and the go it said: “If I had such a potuberence -on my nose like that Ide wear a vail.” - -The rhi he thought a while and then he said, the rhi did: “Some folks -has horns on their noses and some others is gum dasted iddiots, its all -a matter of taste. I know I aint beautifle for to look at, but this -sticker of mine is mighty handy for to search the innards of the sick, -and I guess you aint a feelin very well this mornin, are you?” - -Then the go it moved away and sed it thought maybe it better take a -pill. - -The gofurious is a natif of the equator, which it devastates from pole -to pole! Its food is niggers, and it is the joy of its sweet young life -to stain it plumadge with their gore! The she one is called a scow, -but the little feller is a slob. The old he one has got three horns, -one on its neck, and one on its back, and a little sharp one on its -tail, and when it is poked it whacks this one in to the poke feller, -which turns purple and swells up like he was a baloon and xplodes with -a loud report. - -Sheeps is carnivories, and the tagger it is a mollusk, but the go has -got a white belly and only but just one leg, which is like a blasted -pine and defies the storm! Its lonely foot is like the talent of a -eagle, and when it skowers the desert so much dust is threw up that the -natif niggers cant see which way to run, so the go catches them and -they perish in their pride. When the go sees a hi potamus it gnashes -its teeths once, twice, thrice, and raises a protestin voice. The hi -he says he guesses he knows his own business and aint a goin to knock -off bein a hi potamus for any snouty galoot which roams the plain. But -the go envelps him in a cloud of dust and clasps him to its bosum, and -when the weather clears up the hi is no more! Then the go it utters a -long mournful wail, much as to say: “Alas, am I doomed never to know -the pleashures of a peaceful life? Why am I cursed with a unsociable -disposition?” - -When my sisters young man had read about the go, and the hi, and -evrything, he said: “Johnny, I wonder, O, I wonder how did them facts -become known to you. Can it be possible that you inherit them from your -gifted uncle?” - -I said, “Yes, I did.” Then he said: “Well, well, well, who would have -thought it? This is the worst case of trance mission which I have ever -knew about. Yes, indeed, it beats the ever lastin Dutch!” - -Some folkes bears false witness, but Uncle Ned he knows every thing -which is in the world, and he is increddible. - - - - -THE RHI NOSEY ROSE - - -My father he told me why didnt I write about the unicorn. I said I -would, so I set down and wrote about its 1 horn, and how it had a mane -like horses, and how it stood on its hind feets for to fight lions, and -every thing I could think of, but when I come to its tail I said did it -have a tassel. Then my father he said: “If you have got to the end of -your subject why dont you stop?” - -But my sisters young man says the unicorn is nothing only but just a -rhi nosey rose. Pretty soon after that Uncle Ned he said: “Johnny, I -know you are just dyin for to know something about the rhi nosey rose.” - -Then I spoke up and said: “The rhi nosey rose is the most powful beast -which is known to man. He is found in the jingles of the Nile, but the -feller which finds him is lost his own self, for ever and ever, amen. -The rhi is a 4 legger and gamles oer the green with whirl wind speed to -catch the natif nigger as he flies afar. But the travler meets him eye -to eye and fels him to the plain and writes a book about it. The lion -roars like distant thunder, the gorillys song is as the wind among the -pines, the long lament of the hi potamus is mournful for to hear, and -the harpsicord cracky dile sobs out his heart on the evenin blast, but -the rhi nosey rose hasn’t a word to say. He is all buisness.” - -Uncle Ned said: “My boy, you are eloquenter than preachin, and I have -listened to your perioration with delight and profit cause I know that -them gloing periods come straight from the heart of your sisters young -man, which wrote them for you. Cherish him, Johnny, cherish him as the -apple of your eye, for he is a realy genuine bombastic, but when it -comes to rhi nosey roses he isnt in it with your uncle Edard, not by a -heap! Frexample, can he tell you how the rhi came to have a horn on his -nose? I trow not.” - -I asked how it was, and he said: “When the distinguished naturaler -which you have just quoted wrote about the lions roar, and the gorillys -song, and the quiring of the flopdoodle, and so 4th, he was mighty -close to a great discuvery, but he missed it pretty slick. One day in -the Garden of Eden them fellers was a showin off their voices, and it -made the rhi feel mighty lonely.” So he said to Adam: “If you please, -sir, Ide like for to be frightful my self.” - -Adam said: “Well, you aint particlarly reassurin to them which has good -eye sight, as you are, but come to me to-morrow and we will see what -can be done.” - -That night, while the rhi was a sleep, Adam made a big horn grow on the -rhi, and when the rhi came next day he said, Adam did: “Now you can be -just as alarmin to the blind as them other chaps. All you got to do is -to blow your horn.” - -“Johnny, when you go to the zoo and see the rhi a liftin up his lip -and twistin it round in such a awfle way dont you be afraid, cos he -is only just a tryin for to blow his horn to beat the resoudin lion, -put to shame the deafening hyena and parolyze with envy the hoo-hooing -rhododandrum. He dont always succeed, but if you go frequent you will -some day be rewarded with a blast which will make the heavens be mute.” - -I asked Uncle Ned what makes the snale have a shell always on his back, -and he said: “It dident use to be so. The snale was created all right, -but it sought out many inventions and told them without turnin a hair. -One day Adam he seen the snale creepin along the gravel walk, and he -said, Adam did: ‘You lazy worm of the dust, why don’t you get a move on -you?’ - -“The snale it said: ‘Ime the swiftest quodped which flies a long -the plain, when I try. I devours distance like it was a string of -maccarony, and there is only a imadginary line between the place where -I am and the place where I want to be. I over take the kangaroon as he -flies for his life, and the pigeon in the sky weeps to see me vanish -below his horizon. When I go west it is always the same time of day -with me, but when I turn east it is mid night before I have took a half -dozen jumps.’ - -“Adam said: ‘My, but you are spry when you are in a hurry. I spose you -aint goin any where in particklar today.’ - -“The snale it said: ‘Ime sick today, and have jest dragged my self out -of the house for to get a breath of fresh air.’ - -“Adam he said: ‘Where do you live, when you are to home?’ and the snale -said: ‘In that curly house away over there on the other side of the -gravel walk.’ - -“Adam he thought a while, and bime by he said: ‘It would be a great -pity if the swiftest quodped which skowers the plain should take cold -and die. You just go right in to your house again, and dont you leave -it till I tell you.’ - -“Then Adam he walked a way and wank his eye, to his self and said: ‘I -have such a bad remember, may be Ile forget to tell him.’ - -“Johnny, that’s just what happened, so the fool snale, bein forbid to -leave his house, has to take it along with him where ever he goes. And -that will teach you never to brag about what you can do if you cant do -it.” - -But if Adam would scold me and Billy we would say: “You bad old man, -what for did you eat that apple and make us all go to Sunday school?” - -But a apple dumplin, plenty sugar on it, is as musicle as Apoloes loot. - -In Madgigascar the natif niggers build their houses on the tops of -posts for to keep the snakes out, and one day 2 natifs was a settin -on the floor playin cards, and a rhi nosey rose he had gone under -the house. Then he stuck his horn up through the floor between the -niggerses legs. One of them said: “Whats that?” - -But the other feller, which had just played a card, and was a studdyin -his hand, and didnt see the horn, and he said: “You know what it is -well enough, have you got any thing to beat it? Thats the question.” - -The other feller said he didnt believe he had, and arose his self up -and jumped out of the window. Then the rhi walked away with the house -on his head, and you never have saw such a astonish feller as the one -which was a studdyin his hand! - -When the rhi meets the ephalent he roots him with his sticker in the -stumach of the belly, like the rhi was a hog, and the eph he wollups -the rhi with his proboscus, like beatin a carpet for to get the dust -out. My picture book it says that when the rhi has got the eph on his -sticker the ephs grease runs in to the rhis eyes and puts them out. I -asked Mister Gipple, which has been in Africa, if that was so. Mister -Gip he thought a while, and bime by he said: “Yes, that was true a long -while ago, but one day the rhi nosey roses they held a public meetin -to see if something couldnt be done about it. There was a hundred ways -pointed out for to stop it, but all them which had the best plans -and made the longest speeches was the blind fellers. Bime by a old -rhi which hadnt said any thing he rose hisself up and said: ‘Mister -chairman, I have give this matter much atention, and while I aint sure -that the trouble can be untirely stopped, I think mebby some thing -might be done toward it by keepin away from the ephalents.’ - -“Then they all rised in wrath and gored him with their stickers, and -put him out, cause they said this was a pratticle matter and they didnt -want nobodys fine spun theories. - -“After a while a rhi which had been away he come in and asked what was -the objek of the meetin, and when he was told he spoke up and said: -‘You gam doodled idiots, why dont you stickum in the back? Grease don’t -run up hill.’ - -“Then they all hollered: ‘Hooray! thats jest what we was a goin to say -our selfs. We will make this feller our king!’ - -“So they put a gold crown on his head, and give him a jacknife with 4 -blades, and a kite, and a peg top, and some fire crackers, and all the -candy which he could eat. - -“And now, Johnny, Ile tell you a other. One time a rhi it got mired -in the mud of the Nile, which had overflew its banks, and the rhi was -about to be drownded in the water. While he was thinkin of all the -sins which he done, how he had gored the poor little hi potamuses, and -trampled down the niggerses corn, and hadnt looked like the pictures -on the circus posters, and every thing naughty, there was a cammel. -Then the rhi he hollered: ‘Bully for you! I thought no body would come -along, but I see that the righteous is never forsook.’ - -“The cammel he looked a while, real solemn out of his eyes, as you so -graphicle say, and then he said: ‘What special advantage do you promise -your self from my knowin that there is the remains of a rhi nosey rose -under the mud of this river?’ - -“The rhi he seen the cammel wasnt a goin for to do anything for him, so -he said: ‘I don’t care what you know, nor what you dont know, but when -a feller is departin this life he goes more willin and lamb like if he -sees at his bed side one of them objeks which makes life so everlasty -disgustin.’” - -But if I was a rhi nosey rose I rather be a eagle, cause the eag is -the umblem of the land of the free, and has the stars and strips -embludgeoned on his breast! - - - - - SWANS - - -A man which had a swan his boy was home from colledge, and one day the -boy he come in with a gun and said, the boy did: “A awfle big snake -stuck its head up out of the grass in the pond in the lawn, and I knew -it was a lookin for your swan, for to bite it, so I shot it, now give -me some spendin money, cause I saved your swan.” - -But it was the swans neck which he had shot, and his father said: “I -sent you to Yale for to learn what swans is, and now I got to send you -to Harverd for to learn what snakes is, and fore you know every thing -its a goin to mighty xpensive to your poor old father.” - -Little swans is signets and my sisters young man he says their tracks -in the mud is their signetures, but that isent so, cause signetures is -writtin “Johnny” real plain on a piece of paper and showin it to your -mother. - -Today while Uncle Ned was in the parlor my mother she come in and said: -“Edard, since Johnny took to writin them animal stories, and you took -to sendin them to that nasty news paper, we havent been any thing but -just a famly of jokers, like we was clowns in circusses, and you have -been the head of it all. I blieve every body in town is a laughfin at -us. If you havnt got any self respeck for your own self you ought to -have some for me and your niece.” - -Uncle Ned he got up and put his hand in his waist coat and bowed and -said, real sollemn: “The subjeck on which I have had the honor to -be addressed is of national importance, and one in which I take the -deepest intrest, and I thank the delegation for the able manner in -which it has been presented. Appreciatin the dificultys of my position, -you will not xpect me to say more at present, but I can ashure you that -what it has been my privlege to hear shall be submited to my colleags -and will recieve the most atentif considderation.” - -My mother she was astonish, like Uncle Ned was out of his head, and -she looked at him a while, and then she walked slow out of the room, -a sayin: “Well, I never!” But the minute the door was shut Uncle Ned -he said: “Quick, Johnny, jump to your work, once there was a dog, or -a horse, or a hipporaucus, or a 3 leg rammidoodle, or any thing which -you can think of, theres your paper and heres a pencil, spring, I tell -you, look alive!” - -But I was so xcited that I couldent think of any thing for to write, so -I jest busted out a cryin, and Uncle Ned said: “One time there was a -weepin willow.” - -About a hour after wards my mother, which was a knittin, she looked up -and said: “Edard, why is a ephalent like a man which is a goin on a -jurney?” - -Uncle Ned, which was a readin a book, he shut it up, and stood up on -his feets, and then he laid it away, and walked over to where my mother -was, and looked her in the face and pretty soon he fetched 3 chairs and -set them before her, and she said: “What do you mean, Edard, I have -never seen such actions.” - -But Uncle Ned he went and got Billy, and set him in one of the chairs, -and then he put me in a other, and give me a pencil and a piece of -paper. Then he set his self down in the other chair, and Bildad, thats -the new dog, it come and set down long side of Billy. After we was all -put, and nobody had spoke, cause me and Billy thought it was some game -which was to be played, Uncle Ned he looked at mother and said: “I give -it up, now for the answer. Be sure you get it right, Johnny.” - -But my mother she was a gettin redder and redder, like beets, and bime -by she got up and flounced out of the room, furiouser than any thing -which I have ever saw in all my life, or Billy ever seen in hisn. There -was never such a dizzy pointed man as Uncle Ned was, but he says they -are all just that way, in Indy and every where. - - - - - THE HIPPORIPPUS - - -Mister Gipple, which has been in Africa, he said: “Johnny, if your -ungennerous kinsman hadent saw fit for to impeech my credibility, -which is the most precious juel in my crown, Ide tell you about the -hipporippus.” - -I said what was it like, and he said: “It is a little like a ephalent, -cause it has got teeths mighty plain to see, and a little like a -cammel, cause it has got a back, and a little like a giraft, cause it -has got a neck, and a little like a jackus, cause its voice is heard -in the stilly night, and a little like a man, cause it is pizen. It is -a off spring of the thunder and the grave, and is distant related to -the surf beat shore. When it winks a black shadow sweeps across the -face of the world, and when it opens its eye again light breaks upon -the land scope like dawn over the eastern hills. It walks a merridian -of longitude and, lo, the east is parted from the west for to make -room! It laughfs in fiendish glee and the milk sours in the cows of all -nations. Yet this tempestilent creature can be as gentle as a suckin -whirl pool and coo like laughture in a toomb.” - -I asked where was the hip found. Mister Gipple thought a while, and -bime by he said: “A contented mind is better than great riches, but -if you cant smuther your curosity you may look for it just out side -the scruburbs of most any Afcan village, for it is mighty sociable and -loves the fellership and communion of yuman beings better than pie. But -when you go for to find the hip you better empty your pockets of your -marbles, and your peg top, and your kite string, and your jack knife, -and your base ball, and your 12 inches of rusty chain, or you will know -them no more for ever.” - -I said would the hip take them away from me, and he said: “No, it wont, -it will take you away from them.” - -But if I met a hip I would roll my sleefs up, and spit on my hands, and -thunder: “You cowerdly feller, if you come a step nearer I will go home -and tell my father!” - -And thats why I say courage is the stuff of life, and none but the -brave deserts the fair! - -Mister Gipple says one time Mister Pitchel, thats the preacher, was a -mitionary in Africa, like he was his self, and he converted all the -peoples in a town, and they jest doted on him. But one night a natif -nigger snook in to Mister Pitchels hut and said, the natif nigger did, -“You better leave here mighty quick, for they are a goin to boil you.” - -Mister Gipple, which was astonish, he said: “I guess there is a -mistake, cause Ime so popular.” - -The natif nigger he said: “Thats jest the reason, for they say you are -a saint and it would bring a blessin to the town for to have a few of -your rellics, jest your shin bones, and a half dozzen of the nuckles of -the spine of your back, and maybe the skull of your head.” - -I asked Mister Gipple if them rellics of Mister Pitchel, would have -done any good, and he said: “Well, Johnny, not bein a church feller, -Ime not shure about it, and Ime particklar scepticle about the head, -seein it has never done him any good his own self, but them shin bones -surely did work a mirracle when he was a pullin out of that town.” - -Mister Gipple says there was a other mitionary preacher, and he had -only but just one leg, like Mister Jonnice. One day the king of the -cannibals asked him to dinner. So he slicked his self up and went. The -king said: “Ime glad to see you, now take your close off.” - -The 1 legger he said: “Yessir, I see Ime not in the fashion, but I -thought you would be indulgent to a benighted forreign feller which is -your guest at dinner.” - -The king he spoke up and said: “You dont seem for to under stand. You -are the dinner.” - -The one legger he seen how it was, but he smiled real polite and said: -“O, I beg pardon, how many of you are to eat me?” - -The king said there was 2, countin the dog which was to be give the -bones. Then the mitionary said what was the choice parts of a feller -like him, and the king said: “You chaps is like frogs. Unless fammin -stalks abroad in the land we dont care for anything you have only but -just the hind legs.” - -The mitionary said: “Ime mighty glad for to hear you say so, cause Ide -like to keep my head a while. I need it in my business. Here is one -of my hind legs, which will last you till midnights holy hour, and to -morrow I will bring you the other.” - -So he reached under the table and took off his cork laig and laid it -fore the king, which was so rattled that fore he knew what to do the -mitionary had hopped away. - -Mister Jonnice says when he gets rich he is a goin to buy a leg of -sandal wood with the sandal on it, but I say blessed is the poor, for -they shall go through the eye of a needle, hooray! - - - - - JACKUSSES - - -A feller was a ridin one, and every little while it would stop and -bray. The feller he said: “For goodness sake, dont be 2 nusances to -once. If you are a goin to sing you must trot along same time, but if -you prefer to stop you got to hold your tongue. Ime a long way from -home, and my wife is lyin at the point of death, and night is comin on, -and I havent had my supper, but tween you and me I dont care which plan -you adopt.” - -One day when my father was in Nevady he met a Cornish miner comin up -the grade to Virgina City, carryin a jackus on his shoulders, and my -father he said: “Poor little animal! What broke its leg?” - -The miner he said: “Ta blessit moke have luggit I all ta way from Reno, -and I be givin he a bit of a rest fore ridin in to town, thats what -brakit uns lag.” - -Old Gaffer Peters has got a son which was a sailer, like Jack Brily, -and the boy stopped in Spain and got married. One time he wrote to old -Gaffer and sent the letter to my father for to be give him, but my -father opened it his self, cause he thought it was hisn. The letter had -a photy grap in it of old Graffers little grand son. But my sisters -young man he snook out the picter and put in a other one, which was -a baby with the head of a jackus. My father he dident know, and he -give the letter to old Gaffer, which looked at the picter, and then -read the letter, and then thought a while real sollemn, and bime by he -said: “When a young feller makes a fool of his self and marrys a wild -Spainard his boys dont look like his home folks one bit.” - -But father he said: “Why, Gaffer, I never see such a spekin likeness as -that pictur is of you.” - -Old Gaffer he put his spettacles on again and looked at it a other -time, real long, and then he shook his head and said: “Ole age is -onorable, but it makes a feller look like a dam rabbit!” - -Jackusses looks like mules, and Franky, thats the baby, looks like he -would bust, and Missy she looks at her young man, and says to her self: -“How nice!” - -But if she had saw him when he wank his eye at Mary, thats the -house maid, she wouldnt think so, for winkin is pligamy and thats -trigonomatry. - -I ast Uncle Ned did he know what makes the Jackus bray, and he said: -“Yes, I do. In the Garden of Eden Adam had a field of barly, and he -told the animals that if they didnt keep out of it he would cast them -all in to a lake of ever lastin fire. Now the jackuses tail was created -up right, like it was the mast of a ship, so one day the jack he come -to Adam and said: ‘Ide like you to make my tail hang down like the -other fellerses tails, cause they say Ime proud.’ - -“Adam knew that the jackus was really proud and he wondered, Adam did, -why he wanted his tail down, but he done it and the jack thanked him -and went away. Bime bi Adam he seen the jackuses trackx all thrugh the -barly field, and it had et barly. Then he knew the jack had ask him to -let down his tail so it wouldn’t show above the barly and be tray him. -So Adam he said: ‘You are a mighty smart feller for a thief. Ile keep -my sacred word about that tail, but you will wish you hadent spoke.’ - -“So the tail hangs down, to this day, but evry little while the jackus -yields to a inate ambition and primevle desire for to set it up like -it was made, but when ever he tries to arise it it hurts him so awfle -that he utters his soul in mournful song. - -“Johnny, you just let the morral of this story sink deep into your -heart and you will grow up a good man and some day be Presdent.” - -If I was Presdent I would take my big sword and cleave the wicked -Demcrats in twain, for the Bible it says them which is sinners shall -have ever lastin life! - -I said did Uncle Ned know what for Mexican dogs havent got any hair, -and he said: “Yes, I learnt it from a old man script which I found in a -Hindoo temple in Kansas. One day soon after the creation Adam he was a -walkin in the Garden and he seen a dog with long curly hair which hung -clear down to the ground. Adam he said: ‘My! what a beautiful back of -hair you have got.’ - -“Now, the dog was a fool and prouded his self on his hair, so he -answered: ‘You ought to seen it fore I had that fever. It hasent been -the same since.’ - -“Adam he knew there hadnt been no fever, cause there wasnt any sin, for -it is sin which makes a feller sick.” - -I ast Uncle Ned was it sin which made Franky sick the time he had a -pain in his lap and howled like he was cats. Uncle Ned said: “Yes, it -was, cause the sins of the father shall be fisted on to the childern, -and you are mighty lucky it was Franky in stead of you which sufferd -for my wicked brothers Repubcan afiliations. It will be you next time -if you dont stop encurrigin him to support a Presdent which eats with -niggers. But I was tellin you about that dog. - -“When Adam heard him lie he made a jump at him for to kick him over -the garden wall, but the dog he lit out for Mexico so fast that the -friction of the atmisphere set him afire and burnt his hair every -little bit off. He lived for to found a large famly in the land of his -adoption, but they are all bald just like he was. - -“Now, my boy, you go and tell your angel sister about this, cause there -never was a woman which dident say her hair used to be longer fore -she had a fever. They are mighty funny, women be, and have got to be -crushed out with a ironicle hand!” - -Yesterday Mister Pitchel, thats the preacher, he was to our house, and -he said to Uncle Ned: “Brother Edward, have you read in the paper a -bout the cruelty of the warden at the Sing Sing penitentionary?” - -Uncle Ned he said he did, and it was just like him, for he is a -Repubcan. - -Then my father spoke up and said: “Politics hasnt got any thing to do -with it. Its cause the prisners is Demcrats.” - -Mister Pitchel he said: “Surely, Robert, you don’t justfy mistreatin -convicks be cause of their politicle faiths!” - -My father said: “Yes, I do. When a fellers politicle faith makes him -burgle, and garote, and bigam, and larcen, and shoot, and go to the -theater with a other mans wife I say shut him up in a dark, unwholesome -cell and give him fits three times a day with a black snake whip. If I -was that warden and any news paper man come around pokin his nose in -to none of his business Ide take him by the scruf of his pants and the -seat of his neck and chuck him into the bay. I respeck the preachin -trade much as any body, Mister Pitchel, but I bedam if I wouldent!” - -Then Uncle Ned he said: “Robert, your eminent services in reformin the -geography of this state entitle you to a respectable hearin, even when -you dont swear, and I should like to have your views on penology more -at length.” - -My father he said: “What is penology?” and Uncle Ned said it was the -sience of punishment. Then my father he said: “My views on penology is -to lickum.” - -Mister Pitchel he said: “Then you blieve in the eficacy of phisical -torture?” - -My father he said: “I blieve it hurts, and that is all I want to know -about it. But come to think, I guess it does a heap of good too. When -Billy and Johnny gets it, and they dont have to ask me twice for it, it -isnt necessary for me to waste any time after ward a pointin out the -wickedness of dizzy bedience and expoundin the beauty of a godly life. -They seem to get on to all that their own selfs, and to remain in a -proper state of mind for quite a little wile. What is good enough for -my boys is good enoughf for stealers, and cheaters, and assassinaters, -and fellers which buy ice cream for other fellers wifes, like I said be -fore. My further views on penology is that when a gum dasted galoot is -sent to prison I dont care a ding what is the nature of his xperence -there, nor whether at the end of his term he comes 4th alive or not. -If he didnt like the way the house is conducted he neednt have gone -into it. The warden isnt a standin outside the front door invitin any -body in for to share the ospices of the place. The sons of guns invites -their selfs!” - -When my father had got done he looked all round for some thing to kick, -but Bildad, thats the new dog, he knew what was up and snook under the -sofa, and Mose, which is the cat, he fled afar. - -But the Bible it says dont let your angry passions rise up and call you -blest. And thats why I say man is of few days and full of woman. - - - - - SOLJERS - - -Soljers isent animals, but they can lick the hi potamus and the tagger, -and the rhi nosey rose, and evry thing which is in the world. When -I grow up Ime a going for to be a soljer, and then Ile draw my long -sticker and cut off all the fellers which I dont likes heads and say: -“Hooray! that will teach you that Columby is the gem of the ocean.” - -Then the Presdent will say: “What a brave soljer, make him a major -General and give him all the candy which he can eat!” - -One time there was some cannon soljers a shootin off cannons at a -target, and one of them was out in front, bout a hundred feet to one -side of the target, for to see if it was hit, but it wasent, cause the -cannon balls they kept a comin real close to his self and makin him -duck and dance lively, you never seen such a frighten soljer! - -Just as he was a goin to run away, cause he couldnt stand it, bang went -a cannon ball right through the bulls eye of the target. Then he took -his pipe out of his pocket, and fild it, and while he was a feelin for -a match he said to his self: “Ime all right now, cause they have got -mad and are a shootin at _me_.” - -One day while our front door was a standin open, my father, which had -just come in, he met Mary, thats the house maid, in the hall, and he -said: “Mary, I know what you like, there is some soljers comin down the -street with a brass band, and—” but fore he could say a other word Mary -just vannished like she was shot out of a gun and was a flyin down the -street for to see the soljers, and my mother she stepped out of the -parlor with Franky in her arms. My father he looked at her, and then he -looked at Franky, and then he took off his spettacles and wiped them, -real careful, and put them on again, and took a other look, and said: -“Why, bless my soul, I would have swore it was Mary! You go in the -kitchen and tell her to take off her apron, and put on her jacket and -her hat, and slick her self up a bit, and go and see the soljers.” - -I ast Mister Gipple wasnt he proud when he was a soljer, and he -said, Mister Gipple did: “I wasnt proud only but one time. One day -a ungenerus fo took a mean advantige of me and come at me with his -sticker when my hands was full. I turnd my back on him, real scornful, -for about a mile, then he fleed and I entered my camp in triump!” - -I said what was Mister Gippleses hands full of, and he said: “Johnny, -if you had ast me at the time, I couldnt have told you, but when my -captain pinted it out to me I remembered. They was full of revolvers.” - -But if me and Billy was there Billy would met that cowerd fo, eye to -eye, and laughfed him to scorn! When he is a man he is a goin for to -be a captin of milishes, and ride a majesticle black steed, and cut -Demcrats heads off and fling them to the Presdents feets, a shoutin the -battle cry of fredom! But give me a home on the ocean wave, with a nice -Sunday school book and plenty pirates for my pray! - -Jack Brily, which is the wicked sailor, swears and chews tobaco and -every thing, he says once when he was a pirate there was a other ship -which looked like it was about to flounder. Jacks captin he said: “That -ship is dangerously over manned. Jack, you take all our men and board -her and make all hern walk the plank.” - -So Jack and all the other pirates xcept the captin they give 3 cheers -and got in their boat, with their cutlashes drawed, and boarded the -ship, insted of which about a thousand jolly, jolly mariners arosed up -from the deck and pointed blunder busters at them, and the captain of -the ship come forwerd and said: “In reply to this funny way of hailin -a strange craft I have to say that this is the _Nancy Ann_, 7 days out -from Boston, and over loaded with apple pies. We was just a goin for -to jettison some of the cargo, but I guess you fellers will do just as -well.” - -So Jack and his mates was made to sit down and eat apple pies till they -was most busted and dead sick. That made the ship so light that she -walked the waters like a thing alive, and the pirate captin was left -lamentin. - -I ast Jack why that didnt make a honest man of him, and he said: “It -did, Johnny, it did. I resolvd for to repent and lead a bitter life, -and I havnt been a apple pirate from that memorable day. Mince and -helpin in my dads butcher shop is good enoughf for me.” - -Uncle Ned he says he guesses that is true, for Jack is mighty well -qualified for to swear off and on. - -Mister Gipple said did I know about the battle of Gettyburg. I said no, -I didn’t, and he said: “Well, Johnny, Ile tell you, for it was the -dandiest battle which ever was. I was there my self or it maybe would -have been diferent. - -“You see, Johnny, our soljers was on a hill, and Mister Lees was on a -other, but ourn was the best hill and they wanted it. But Mister Mead, -which was our captin, he was a brave man, and he sent for me to come -over behind our hill, where he was readin a novel, and he said, Mister -Mead did: ‘General Gipple, if them misguided fellers which are in arms -again our country and the Repubcan party come over our way and want to -get on this side the fence you shut the gate in their gum dasted faces -and tell them to clear out.’ - -“So I went back, and pretty soon I seen Mister Picket a comin, follerd -by ten thousand hunderd rebbel soljers, and I shut the gate. When they -had come real close up Mister Picket poked his ugly head over the fence -and said: ‘Hello, Yank, we want to get in for to bile some coffy. The -feller which we are on his farm he wont let us light fires.’ - -“Then I spoke up in thunder tones and said, real sarcostic: ‘You havnt -got the price of admition.’ - -“Mister Picket he said: ‘Dont you dare to taunt us with our povity! Its -true we aint rich, cause you have stole all that we had, but we are -mighty many, for the angels is on our side.’ - -“Then I spoke up real sneery, and said: ‘If you have any regments of -angels I guess they are sort of hangin back. I dont seem to see any of -their wings a floppin in the breeze.’ - -“Just then Mister Hancock rode up behind me and said: ‘Generl Gipple, -stand firm, we got some angels of our own. Mister Mead ordered me to -report to you with my whole dam celestial out fit.’ - -“I said: ‘Thank you, Mister Hancock, they will be right handy for to -carry to Heaven the souls of the Confedit slane just as fast as I can -supply them.’ - -“And then, Johnny, I roled my sleefs up and that memorble slotter was -began! I dont need to give you the bleedy details. Suffice it that -when I was done that host lay withered and strew and Mister Picket was -a hikin back to his base as fast as his 2 laigs could carry him, and -our soljers was a singing the dogs ology real tuneful, like they was -canarys.” - -I asked Mister Gipple did he do it all his own self, and he said: -“Nuthin but only just the killin, Johnny. Far be it from me for to -deprife my comrads of the glory which justly blongs to the sons of hope -and faith. If it hadent been for the morl sport which they give me by -cheerin me on, and by their xclamations of wonder and delight, it would -have took me longer.” - -The Bible it says that thou shall not kill unless you are smote on one -cheek or the other, but Uncle Ned he says a feller which would smite -Mister Gipple on either cheek would skin his nuckles. - -A other time Mr. Gipple said: “Johnny, there is a other great warior -in this town, and it is Mister Pitchel, which is the preacher, as you -truly describe him. He was the chaplin of the army wen it was in Cuby. -One day there was a real hard fight, and when he run away he got lost -in the forest primevle. Then he see a feller down on his knees behind -a tree, a prayin loud and shril. So Mister Pitchel he joind him and -prayed too, but pretty soon he noticed that the feller was a prayin in -Spanish, so Mister Pitchel he said amen mighty quick and got up for to -resume his go. Then the Spainard he said amen too, and picked up a gun -and hollered: ‘Come back, ye dom herry tick, or if I dont make buzzerds -meat of yer dhirty caircase may I nivver see ould Tiperary again!’ - -“Mister Pitchel he went back and was took prisner. Then he said: ‘I -guess you was a prayin for the sucksess of the Spainish arms, wasent -you?’ - -“The feller said: ‘The divel a bit, they have been licked and I was -prayin for the sucksess of their legs, as is the duty of me holy -office. Ime their chaplin, bedad.’” - -Mister Pitchel says he will pray for Mister Gippleses sinful soul, but -Mister Gip he says: “Jest let me catch him at it, thats all!” - -A captin of soljers he went to the camp of the enemies and said: “Some -of you fellers has been a sassin some of us, what for did they do that?” - -The captin of the enemies he said: “O go long about your business, we -havent got any thing agin you.” - -The other captin he said: “Then why do you come in to this neck o woods -and sass us?” - -The captin of the sassers said: “Why dont you move in to a other county -fore we are drove by a relentless fate for to lick you like blazes?” - -The captin which had come over he said: “A destiny which is deaf to our -prayers compels us to remain and wollup the innerds out of you.” - -And Mister Gip says that when the relentless fate stacked up aginst the -destiny which was deaf to prayer the earth was piled with hetty combs -of slain! - -But if any body would sass Billy he would cleeve him to the chine! - -My father was a readin a news paper, and all to once he give a long -wissle and said he would be gum dasted! Uncle Ned he looked up and said -what was it, and my father he said by cracky, that was the awfulest -which he ever in his life! - -My mother she jumpt up, and so did me and Billy, and Missy, and Bildad, -the new dog, and Mose, which is the cat. My father he was so xcited -that his spettacles fell off and he couldnt read no more till they was -found, and all the wile he kept a sayin we was in for it, shure, and it -was just what he had been xpectin, and he had always told us it would -come. Bime bi my mother put his spettacles on his nose again, and he -found the place and read, “The war broke out again. The Solid South in -battle aray! The nations capitle in flames! Dredful massaker of the -colored peoples in Virginy! Thousands of United States troops shot -dead in their trackx!” - -Then he seen it was nothing only but just a advertisement of a patent -tooth brush and cloes pin combined, and he stopt and got red in the -face, and wiped his spettacles with his thum, and put the paper in the -fire, and said: “Edard, you better stay to home and look after the -women and children, and mebby keep my memry green if I fall. Ime a goin -for to march against the fo!” - -Then he went out and stayed a week. And thats why I say be it ever so -humble, theres no place like home. - -Uncle Ned, which has been in Indy and every where, he says one time in -Siam the king said to his captin of soljers: “I been supportin you and -your lazy fellers for 20 years, and you havnt done nothing for your -keep, only just eat and drink your heads off.” - -The captin he said, the captin did: “Why, we have a inspecktion every -little while, and 2 drills a month, and a dress parade evry day, with a -brass band.” - -The king said: “Yes, I know, but you dont do no fightin.” - -The captin he said: “The drummer he knockt the bugler silly only jest -yesterdy, the 1st sargent has a black eye most of the time when he isnt -drunk, and I punches the corples head my self, quite frequent.” - -But the king he said: “That aint enoughf, you got to go and thrash the -fellers army which is a kingin on the other side of the boundry. If you -suckceed in piercin his lines I will make you a earl.” - -So they marched away with banners a flopin, and a long time after werd -the king got a letter from the captin of soljers, and the letter said: - -“Dear Madgesty, - -After a good deal of skilful manoover I have pierced the enemys lines -without a man killed, but the number of missin is considerable. In -fact, my whole army is missin. I guess it is about where it was when I -begun for to move on the enemys works single handed, but I dont know. -You neednt make me a earl, for the king over here has made me a duke. - - Yourn for Progresiveness, - HOP SING.” - - - - - FISH - - -My sisters young man he said: “Johnny, di ever tell you about Jony and -the wale?” - -But I said: “You cant fool me, you want me to say yes, and then you -will say taint so, cause the Bible dont say it was a wale, but a big -fish, and a wale isnt a fish.” - -Then he said: “No, Johnny, it was a wale, I give you my honor, cross my -heart and hope to die, and what I wanted for to pint out is the Bible -says Jony was threw up by the wale after bein swollered, but it stands -to reason it wasn’t so. No, Johnny, he must have digested and become a -part of the wale, for when he was shut up in the stumach of its belly -the thought of home and friends would naturly make him blubber.” - -Then my sister she said: “Any one which falsifys the Scripter and puts -his word against a Bible truth to make such a silly joke as that will -go where the worm dieth not, so there!” - -But her young man he said: “Ile take along a early bird and have some -fun with that feller.” - -Jack Brily he was a tellin old Gaffer Peters one day how he was to a -mining town, and how he fished down a shaft, with a line 20 hundred -feet long. Gaffer he said: “What a whopper, I been to mines my own -self, and I know the water in a mine is blazin hot.” - -Jack said: “Thats what makes it easy for to catch the fish, you only -got to use ice cream for bait. Them poor fish is crazy for ice cream.” - -Then old Gaffer said: “Why, Jack Brily, do you think Ime a iddiot jest -cause my hair aint curly like yourn? If there was fish in that water -they would be boild.” - -Jack said: “Thats just it, Gaffer, thats just the idee, cause I dont -consider fried fish is fit to eat.” - -But give me plenty potatos, and mints pies, and peserves, and some do -nots, and molasses, and apple dumps, and Ile take them fried and boild -too. - -A other time Jack was a tellin old Gaffer how he was a travelin once -when he had been ship wreck and didn’t have nothin for to eat, and bime -bi he come to a big lake of oil. So he upped and baited his fish hook -and threw in his line, and in a little while he had cetched a wagon -load of shads. - -Gaffer he said: “How could shads live in oil?” - -Jack he thought a wile, and pretty soon he said: “Thats a fact, Gaffer -you have raked me fore and aft. Them fish was sardeens.” - -And old Gaffer hasnt never got done braggin about how he caught Jack in -a lie and made him own up. - -One time a nigger fell off a ship and the sailors threw him a rope, -which he caught, and they was a haulin him up when a shark snapped him -in 2. Just then a Southern planter, which was a pasenger, he come on -deck and looked over the side of the ship and seen the shark do it. He -was xcited and hollered: “It has took your hook boys, it has took your -hook! Bring a other one and get a fresh nigger!” - -Some folks thinks niggers is just as good as white men, cause God made -us all in 6 days and was arrested on the 7th. - - - - - THE POL PATRIOT - - -Uncle Ned he said: “Johnny, do you know about the pol patriot?” - -I said: “Yessir, it can be tought for to talk, just like gerls, and -says, ‘Polly wants a cracker,’ frequent.” - -Uncle Ned he thought a wile, and bime bi he said: “This appears to be a -case of mistaken eye dentistry, though there really is a resemble tween -the pol parrot and the pol patriot, particlar in their cast of mind and -their deplorable habit of saying what you have got tired of hearin. But -the patriot he frequent makes the welkin ring, where as the other sport -she only just shreeks like laughfter in a toomb. Both is 2 leggers, but -the patriots is hind ones, and wen he wants to think he mounts them -like a step ladder and does the trick with his toung, mighty awdible.” - -I ast did the patriot have wings, and Uncle Ned said: “Wings is used -for to go some where, but the patriot isnt migratary. He never gets -very far away from his mouth, cause that is his place of business. No, -my boy, the patriot never deserts his country, for he loves it and it -is easy for to digest. He admires its instutions like they was pretty -girls in white muslin gowns, servin pie. Its pocket is the haven of -his hand, and the fat on his kidneys is public property dedicated to -private use.” - -But what he meant by all that rigmy roll is what floors me, and Billy -is the same way. And thats why the Bible it says that wisdom is the -root of all evil and flys from the rwath to come. - -My sisters young man he said: “Johnny, if you was a sniposquatamus what -would you rather be?” - -I said it would be nice for to be a pirate, and he said: “Yes, I spose -it would if it wasnt for the hangin, but I was thinkin mebby you would -like to be a brother in law, which are usually acquited.” - -Then Missy she spoke up and said he ought to be a shamed of his self, -puttin wicked thoughts in to a inocent childs head, and tryin to break -up a happy home, you never seen sech a dresin down as that feller got! - -When it was all over he looked at her real sorroful and said: “Yes, I -see I have went to far, dear, so if you dont mind I will just step in -to the kitchen and take a carvin knife and cut my heart out. Johnny, -you come with me for to hear my last words and wipe up the gore.” - -But when I begun for to cry he said: “Never mind, Ime a awful firm -chap, but not stuborn, and rather than pain your young soul Ile -postpone the rash deed and content my self with slayin your Uncle Ned.” - -Then Missy said he was a riddiclous old thing and wouldnt hurt a fly. - -Flys are insecks, and a wops is a be, but butter flys is a catter -piller at first, and then it is a crisanthemum. - -And now I will tell you a story about Mister Gipple when he was a -mitionary preacher in Madgigasker and had amast a considable frotchune -in ephalents tushes. Mister Gip is always bragin about the kings he has -met, and he says one day he met the king of Madgigasker, which said: -“Ime told that you are a preachin aginst the gods of my fathers and -have busted the heads off of some of them. Is that so?” - -Mister Gipple he said: “Yes, brother, it has been a joy to me to spread -the light quite wide, and Ime thankfle to say that a few of the ugly -idles which you fellers bow down to have suckummd to the power of the -everlasty truth as it is give me to see it.” - -The king said: “Ime a little tired of them idles my self, dont you -think it would help along the good mitionary work for you to convert -Me?” - -Mister Gip he was just happy half to death, and he said: “Yes, indeed, -and if you have time we will begin right now. First you must stop -cuttin your wives noses off for every little thing which they do.” - -The king he said, the king did: “I stopt that this morning. They are -all off.” - -Mister Gipple he wiped away a tear and said: “You must bless them which -hate you.” - -Then the king he said: “The darn galoots darent come near enough to me -for to hear the blessing.” - -So Mister Gip he said: “Well, we will pass that for the present. When -your dog dies you must not discumbowel your high priest on its grave.” - -The king said: “All right, my priminister will do just as well.” - -Mister Gipple he was mighty discuraged, but he said: “You mustnt have -any of your nevews and nieces buried alive when you are took sick.” - -The king said: “No fear of that, I have been in mighty poor health all -summer.” - -That shocked Mister Gip so much that he hardly knew what he was a -sayin, and he showted: “Poor miserable worm of the dust!” - -Then the king, which had been sittin on his hawnches, he rose his -self up, mighty magesticle, and said: “I have made every resonable -consession and tried to meet you half way, but when you call me names -you are a goin too far. You jest put new heads on them idles, and give -up all the wealth of ephalents teeths in which you waller, and take -your gum dasted new fangle religion out of my kingdom, or I will skin -your legs!” - -But if any old nigger king would skin mine I would hurl him from -the throne, for the Bible says that all men are created equal, and -endowered with unavailable rights. And thats why the people are the -sores of power. - -Uncle Ned he said: “Johnny, one time in Indy I knew a natif nigger -named Jejybehoy Bilk. He lived just out side the village of -Ipecack-in-the-Jingle and had a mighty nice wife. She didnt wear much -cloes, cause they was poor, but one day I see her a wearin a taggers -skin, and I ast Jej what for she drest so warm in the summer. Jej he -said: ‘Cause a tagger has arived in these parts and is makin quite -free with the peoples. Me and Mary Ann thinks that if she wears a -taggers skin when she has to go out to gether sticks mebby the tag will -think her a other tag, and spare her life.’ - -“I told him I thought it a good idee, and pretty soon after, when I -met him again, I said: ‘Good mornin, how is Mary Ann, and is she still -wearin a taggers skin?’ - -“Jej he looked sollemn and said: ‘Yes, Edard Sahib, a taggers skin and -a taggers ribs too, in fact, she is wearin a whole tagger.’ - -“Johnny, she had been et.” - - - - - COWS - - -There was a feller which had a cow, and the cow had some burs in the -tossel of her tail, and the feller he tried for to pick them out. He -put his fingers through the tossel, like they was a comb, and jest then -the cow she got afraid and started for to walk away. The feller he -couldnt hold her, and he couldnt get his fingers out, so he had to go -too. He said “wo,” and “steddy, now,” and “no occasion for to hurry,” -and evry thing which he culd think of, but the cow she just kept right -on, a goin round and round the field, and him a follerin. - -Pratty soon a big savvage bul dog it come, and after it had showed its -teeths and looked on a while it fell in behind the feller and follered -too. So they kept a goin, the old cow and the feller and the bull dog, -the dog a smellin the mans legs and makin up its mind where to take -hold. The feller he didn’t know whether he would rather have the dog -bite him or bite the cow, but he kept a sayin “wo, bossy,” and “good -doggy,” mighty polite. - -Bime by a other man he see them and he brought a bucket of slop and -set it down, and when they got round to it the cow she stopt for to -have some, and when her tail was slack the fellers fingers come loose -all right. Then he turned round to the dog, which was settin down a -grinnin, an he shooked his fist at the dog, the feller did, and said: -“You worthless brute, you must take them by the tail, like I have told -you 100 thousand times! If its a goin to take a half a year for me to -teach you how to drive a gentle cow like this Ile sell you, for what -ever I can get.” - -But it was the man that brought the slops dog. - -Some cows is hooky, but the mooly she buts, and thats why I say beware -the awfle avilantch! - -Uncle Ned he says why dont I write about Mister Jonnice, which has the -wood leg. I ast him why Mister Jonnice wasent made Presdent for loosin -his leg so many times for his country, and he said: “He isnt eligible, -for he wasnt borned of American parents. His father was Conshience and -his mother was Truth, and when he was a little feller like you he lived -with her at the bottom of a well. So he dident come to this country -till one day he was axidental drew up in a old oaken bucket. Johnny -that man inherits from his mother. He is so truthfle that when he says -a thing is so, why, it wouldnt be any more so if he rwote it down in -red ink and swore to fore a bald headed notary. He is so truthfle that -he faces east when he wants to tell a lie north west. Do you remember -that story of his about the bear? He was one day goin through the woods -when a big black bear arose itself up before him and began for to -hug him real cruel. Mister Jonnice he said: ‘Why, darling, this is a -unexpected hapiness. When did you get in?’ - -“Then he threw his 2 arms around the bear and squeezed it so tight that -when he let go it lay down and turned so white with sick that Mister -Jonnice toted it to a circus and sold it for a polar. - -“A other time Mister Jonnice was attacted by a lion which came a rushin -at him with its mouth wide open and all its teeths on parade. Mister -Jonnice he just stood still and lifted his wood leg up and stuck it -strait out toward the lion, and the lion went on every side of it like -a bottle around a cork. So the immoral spirit of that monark of the -desert winged its way to a other and bitter world fourth with. Mister -Jonnice says that was the first step in his honable career as a lion -tamer. I guess the second is still to be took. - -“Such, my boy, is Mister Jonnice, but the jasky foozle is a other -animal. It inhabbits the crags of the Gangee river and its fluty warble -is heard along with the song of the whipperwil when the natf niggers -pay poker in the gloaming. Its one tooth is white as the soul of a -unborn babe and the shine of its eye is like moon beams on the water -of deep Galalee. When it arises its golden locks above the horizon a -lovely shadow is flung athwort the land and the chickens go to roost -a singing their sweetest songs. It is a six legger, and each leg has -a brass hoof, so the sound of its feetsteps is like chimes of church -bells on a Sabath morning in Normandy. But beware, Johnny, beware the -jasky foozle when summer is green, for it is crueler than the butcher -buisnes and pizen as the grave! When it points its nose your way your -mother wants to see you mighty bad and your legs should be ship shape -for to perform their office. - -“Much more might be said, but I see old Gaffer Peters a comin over to -have a smoke with me, and I guess I better go out behind the barn and -plant some coco nuts.” - -I guess if there was a fight tween the jasky foozle and the rhi nupple -dinky and some others of them fellers which Uncle Ned and Jack Brily -and Mister Gipple tells about it would be mighty hard for to say which -was which, and a picture of one would do for them all. - -One day Mister Pitchel, thats the preacher, he seen a picture which -shocked him, cause it repsented a drunk man, but my father he said: -“Well, dont men get drunk, what you growlin about?” - -Mister Pitchel he said did my father aproove every thing in art which -is true to nature, and my father he said: “Mister Pitchel, you have -knew me all my life for a onest man which pays his debts and votes the -straight Repubcan ticket, like he is told, and loves his neibor as -his dog, and wears a stopipe hat quite frequent. Yet you ask me sech -a question as that! As I under stand it, the feller which is always -objectin to naturlness in art is always a sweepin the horizen with a -spy glass and a bendin his self doubble over a microscape for to find -some thing to objeck to. He wants to snuffle or to blush, cause if he -dont he will be sick.” - -Uncle Ned, which is a batchelor, he said he guessed folks like that was -mostly women. - -Then my father he said: “I havnt got a word to say about any but the -he ones, for Johnny has pointed out in his writins that woman is the -noblest animal which roams the plain and roars like distant thunder. -But, Edard, the he ones is decendents of them old Puritans which come -to this country when it was little, because in their own they wasnt -let sing hyms through their noses. They landed on Plymuth Rock when it -was jest as easy to step a shore on the grass, and they expect us to -cellebrate it. They liked rocks, particklar to fire at other folkes. -They used to lick the Injens, too, cause the Injens looked sort of -naturel, and came to prayer meeting in their breech clouts, jest as -they was created. - -“Edard, them Puritan 4 fathers of ourn were a gam doodled bad outfit. -When ever one of them had loaded up his old bell mouth blunder bust -with led enoughf for to sink a shot goose, and had got it rightly -pointed at a Injen which mebby wanted his land back, he shet his eyes -up a minute, the Pu did, and, said: ‘O Lord of Love, I am about to -discharge a sacred duty, and if any fo to religion gets his self in -the way let my light so shine that it will shine right through his -benighted innards, and thine shall be the glory, but Ile take his -blanket and his beads my self. Yours truly, Worm-o-the-Dust Muggins.’” - -Then my father he kicked Mose, which is the cat; and Bildad, thats the -new dog, jumpt through the window. And thats all I know about cows. - - - - - BUZARDS - - -I ast my sister: “Dont you think buzards is awfle nasty fellers for to -eat sech things as they do?” - -My sister she said: “What can you xpect of birds that live on a carry -on diet?” - -Thats like old Gaffer Peters, which has got the bald head. My mother -she said to him: “Gaffer, the sun is mighty hot to day.” - -Old Gaffer he said: “Yes, mam, there aint nothing like a warm day for -to heat up the sun.” - -There is folks in Pershia which worships the sun, and one day one of -them fellers was down on his kanees a worshipin as hard as he culd, and -a good mitionary preacher come a long and said: “What a poor ignant -heathener, for to worship some thing that you can see!” - -But the feller which was to his devotions he said: “I aint sech a fool -as you think, for Ime as blind as a bat.” - -There was a hum bird a sippin neckter out of a hunny suckle and there -was a buzerd, and the buz he said to the hum: “I would rather starv -than eat sech stuff as that.” - -The hum said: “I am drove to it. When ever I try for to eat a dead -horse one of you fellers says: ‘Let that a lone, sonny, for it is -pizen. It hasnt been long enoughf dead.’” - -The buz he said: “Well, if you want to pizen your self you may as well -do it with hunny suckles as by spilin our dinner fore it is ready.” - -But fore I would eat any thing which is dead Ide live on salt pork. - - - - - THE CAMEL - - -Arrabs drink cammels milk, and have 4 stumachs, which makes them go a -long time with out water. - -One day I was a readin a wondful story about a cammel and a Arrab, and -my father he spoke up and said I mustnt blieve only but half of what I -read. Jest then the story ended by sayin that the half wasent told, and -my father he said: “Thats the half to blieve.” - -A Arrab chief was a leadin his cammel by the halter and a thinkin real -hard, but the cam hadnt any thing in particklar for to ocupy its mind, -so after a wile it snook up and lifted the chiefs turban in its teeths -and et it. Bime bi the chief he begun for to feel the sun a bakin his -head like it was a potato in the uven, cause they shave their hair evry -little bit off, and he stopt and looked around at the cam. The cam -started like it was shot, and puld the holter out of the Arrabs hand, -and stared at him and walked away and stared again, much as to say: “I -never have seen you before in all my life, dont you come near me.” - -But after a long time it let it self be cought, and when the Arrab had -turned his back for to resume the voyge the cam drawed the 2 ends of -its mouth up to its ears and wank its eye repeated. - -Mister Gipple he says a other Arrab, which was a travisin the dessert, -lay down for to sleep, and in the middle of the night he woke, and set -up, and rubbed his eyes, and looked again, and final said: “Allah be -praised for grantin His servant this vizion of the Holy Mountain!” - -Then he lay down in the sand with his face toward the Holy Mountain, -which he could see real plain on the horizen against the stars. He -knocked his fored against the ground and prayd all night, but in the -mornin he see it was only just his cammel a kneelin between him and the -ski. So he took a stick, the Arrab did, and beat the cam, and said it -wasnt fit for to carry a True Bliever. - -But the Bible it says that cammels can go through the knee of a idol. - -I ast Uncle Ned what makes the cam have a hunch on his back, and he -said, Uncle Ned did: “One day, in the Garden of Edin the animals was a -showin off what they culd do, and the kangaroon he said he could jump -high upper than any other thing which was made in the immage of its -Maker. The cammel curled his lip up, real scornfle and said: ‘Why, you -gum dasted creepin thing, I dont blieve you can leave the ground by 10 -inches. Jest try for to jump over _me_ and you will find out what a -many rooted vegtable you are.’ - -“So the cam, which was made long like a dox hoond and had a straight -back, it stood still, and the kang he took a few hops and then soared -aloft to go over the cam. But the cam he wank his eye to the other -fellers, much as to say, ‘See me fix him!’ and then he huncht his back -up real sudden, and tript the kang, which turned a flip flop and lit on -his head an pretty near broke the spine of his back. - -“When Adam was told about it he said to the cammel: ‘Let me see how you -done it.’ - -“The cam he huncht his self up again, the same way, and Ad he lifted -up his hands and made some passes in the air and said: ‘Presto, -abricadabbry, whee! You jest stay that way while the stars hold their -courses in the fermament and the seasons on earth is bad for the -crops.’ - -“So the cammel is hunchy to this day, and his countnence is deep graven -with lines of care and sorry.” - -But if Adam had saw Billy lick Sammy Doppy for his doin that to me when -we played leap frog he would have said, Adam would: “What simpleness! -Why didnt I think to do that to the cam?” - - - - - FLIES - - -Flies is 3 kinds, butter, and fire, and jest flies. The butter he is -first a tadpole, and then he is a crisanthmum, and bime bi he is a real -butter, but not a goat. Mister Pitchel, thats the preacher, he says -that the butter fly a bustin out of the crisanthmum state in to a new -life prooves that we have imortle souls, but my father he says what is -prooved by the butty dyin pretty soon after? - -Once me and Uncle Ned and Missy, thats my sister, we was in the garden -and there was a butter fly, and Missy she said why was they like girls, -meanin that they are fond of flowers, or is pretty, or some sech rot. - -Uncle Ned he spoke up and said: “Cause its good fun to chase them, but -it spiles them to catch them.” - -He says 2 men which had been in a election riot was goin to their homes -in the country one night, and one said to the other: “Let me lean on -you, and what ever happens dont you desert a old friend.” - -When they had gone a mile or 2 that way the other feler he said: “Dont -you feel any better now?” - -The staggery man he said: “No, not much, Ime a fraid I will drop. It -must been a awfle blow, not any pain for to speak of, but Ime a seein -stars till this minute!” - -Then the other feller he seen how it was, cause it was only jest the -fire flies, which was evry where, and he said to his self: “A wise man -cant make no body wise, but a fool can make a fool of a other man.” - -When it is a hot day my father he lies down for to sleep. He snores a -while, and then he wakes up and says: “Cuss them flies! Johnny, bring -me the _Tribune_,” and puts it over his face like it was a tent and his -nose was the center pole. One day I give him the _Times_, which Mister -Brily, thats the fat butcher, had sent around a calfs toung, and when -my father he waked and seen what paper it was he said: “Johnny, dident -you know what paper this thing is?” - -I said I did, and he said: “Dont you know that flies is better than the -_Times_?” - -Then I said: “Yes, father, but there was a wops.” - -Father he thought a long time, and final he said: “Well, my son, you -know what I think of flies, and you know what I think of news papers, -and particklar you know what I think of the New York _Times_, but, -Johnny, if there was a wops, and you heard it say that it was a goin to -sit on your fathers nose and sting him deep in both his beutiful eyes, -and your sister was a wearin the _Tribune_ for to improve her figgure, -I will over look your fault this time if you get out of this real -quick.” - -So I jumpt out of the door jest as he flang a book at me. - -The Bible it says thou shall be kind to thy father, for of such is the -kingdom of Heaven, but the wicked shall have eternle life. - - - - - MUNKYS - - -A man had a pet munky, and the mans boy hated the munky cause it done -every thing which he done his self. One terrible cold winter evenin the -boy got 2 buckets of water and set them out doors. Then he got a piece -of rope and tied it around him under his jacket and let the end hang -down like it was a tail, and then he set down on the edge of one bucket -and let the rope hang in the water. The munky it looked on, and then -it tost its head, contemptible, much as to say it could do that too, -and it went to the other bucket and done it. Then the water it froze -and the boy he untied the rope and went in the house, but the munky -couldent untie its tail, and it stayd there and in the mornin it was -froze to death. - -When the man found the dead munk he swore awful, cause he liked him, -but the boy he come up and put his kanuckle in his eye, like he was -cryin, and said: “Poor little feller, what a pity he died jest as he -had got most out.” - -Mister Gipple he says there was a painter, and he painted a picture of -a awfle hiddeous babboon, and he was mighty homely his own self. His -wife she hadnt see the picture, cause she was pretty and didnt care for -art. One day the painter he looked in the parlor where his wife was, -and said: “Ime a goin out, and shant be back till a long time,” for he -was takin the picture of the bab to the mans house which had bought -it. But when he got there the man was too sick abed for to look at it, -so he brought it back home, the painter did, and as he was a passin -the parlor window he looked in and seen his wife a sleep in her chair, -facin the window. - -Then the painter he said to hisself: “I will give her a good scare.” So -he set the picture on the window sil out side, like it was a lookin in, -and then he let his self in the house with a lach key, and set down by -his wife, and took her hand and prest it mighty lovin, and she smiled -in her sleep and mummered “Dear Henry,” which wasnt his name. After a -while she opend her eyes and seen the picture of the bab a lookin in -to the window. She started like she was shot dead, and with out lookin -round she cried out: “O my! he has come back. Get under the piano!” - -Now what is the sense of sech a story as that? But the rhi nosey rose -is the king of beasts. - -Jack Brily, which is the wicked sailor, he says one time him and the -captin of his ship and the bosen they went a shore on a savvage iland -for to look for coco nuts. While Jack was a little way from the captin -and the bosen the natif niggers they come and catched them fellers -and took them away and sinked the boat. Then they come back and run -towards Jack for to catch him too, but Jack he stood on his head and -made frightfle faces. So they said he was a god, and led him to their -king, which showed him great respeck and took his cloes off and had him -painted green and yellow, and set him on a clay throne and worshipt him -while he continude to make mouths frequent. - -That night the natif niggers made a great feast of stew and Jack, which -set by the king said: “What is it made of?” - -The king said: “It is horse, which is the noblest of birds.” - -So Jack, which was mighty hungry, he took a big wood spoon and fished -round in the stew pot, and pretty soon brought up a lether belt, and a -shoe string, and a finger ring. Then he suddenly leeped to his feets -like a thing of life, and turned a hand spring, and roled his eyes -awful, and shouted: “Rash mortle! Horse is forbid to be et by gods, and -you have stewed it with the harness on! Fetch me some roasted munky -this minute, with the tail on, or I will make your nose grow to your -hand!” - -Jack says he stayed on the iland 5 years and was fed so much munky that -when he excaped to a ship he scampered up the riggin and leeped from -mast to mast and chattered srill! - - - - - BEARS - - -Bears spend the winter in hollow logs and dont eat any thing till -they come out in the spring. One fine spring day a bear come out of a -farmers barn yard and the farmer he see him. Then the farmer said to -his boy: “Jim, you go and tackle that feller and we will have his hide. -He will be easy prey, for he is so thin that he cant cast a shadow.” - -The boy said: “Of course Ile do it if you say so, but he is castin a -mighty black shaddow all the same.” - -The farmer he said: “Non sense, that is the shadow of one of our calfs. -He has et it.” - -One time me and Billy was to the Zoo, and Billy went to the bears den. -The bear sat up and made a lap and Billy he lit a fire cracker and -threw it in the bears lap. The bear looked down at the cracker, which -was a smokin in his fur, and then cocked his head, real knowin, much as -to say: “You cant fool me, that aint no pea nut.” - -But when the cracker went off you never have saw such a crazy bear! - -Fire crackers is fine, but give me the canons roar, and the chargers -nay, and the flags a floppin in the breez, and heaps of slain! - -Uncle Ned says once in Indy when him and his dog was a strolin on the -bank of the Gangee a bear come out of the jingle and started for to -swim across. When the dog seen some thing in the water he jumpt in for -to fetch it out, with out thinkin particlar what it might be, but it -was the bears head. But when the dog had pretty near catched up with it -it turned round and give him a smile, like sayin: “Its awfle good of -you to take sech a friendly intrest in a stranger. When we get to the -other side Ile ask you to dinner, and we will have dog.” - -But when the dog seen how things was he rememberd a previous -engagement, and Uncle Ned says there wasnt never any body which tried -so hard for to be punctual. - -Yestday was Valentines day and some wicked feller he sent me one which -was the ugliest ever see. It is drew with a pen, and its me a settin on -a Noays ark with wooden animals before me, and me a writin about them -with my toung out and my legs twisted to gather like grape vines, but -not a bit like me, more like Billy. There is a big jackus a standin -behine me with his mouth to my ear, like he was a whisperin in school, -and this is the poetry which is under the pictur, bad spellin and all, -I never see such fool poetry! - - Now here you are, Johnny, and heres Uncle Ned, - Composing your stories all out of his head. - With Genius behind you and Nature before, - No truth can “kanock” you, no mystery “flore.” - You’re true as a clock to your subject—at least, - You write about beasts, and you write like a beast. - -When I got that I took it strait to Uncle Ned, and when he had read it -he looked mighty mad. Then I said: “Uncle Ned, what becomes of wicked -fellers souls when they die?” - -Uncle Ned he said: “Johnny, that is a question which will keep till -you have a optunity to see for your self. This gum dasted villin says -no mystry can flore you, but I guess its just as well not to go out of -your way for to tackle mystries which are peaceful disposed. I respeck -your motive in askin the riddle, cause it is the same which under lies -the holy religion of the Pattigonions, but the Bible it says for us to -love our enmies, cause they dont know any better. So I move we forgive -this feller and content our selfs with the hope that what ever is done -to him in a other and bitter world it will be good and plenty.” - -Thats all I know bout bears to day, but Billy he can crow like a -cockadoodle, and the Bible it says let us be up and doin. - - - - - THE TAIL END - - -Uncle Ned he said yesterday did I know what was up. I said the girafts -head was upper than any thing. Then he said, Uncle Ned did: “Thats so, -Johnny, but what I mean is do you know what is a goin for to happen in -this house, right under your 2 eyes?” - -Then I looked at my sister to see if she knew, but she was red in the -face, like she was a lobster, and I said why didnt she set further away -from the fire, but mother she said: “Never mind your sister, Johnny, -your uncle is talkin to you, why dont you anser?” - -So I told him no, I didn’t know what was goin for to happen, less Billy -was a goin to get a lickin, and he said: “That’s a safe guess, but what -I mean is you are to have a new brother.” - -I said: “Hooray, I vote we name him Tommy!” - -Uncle Ned he beganned for to laugh, and mother she said: “Edard, if you -have got any thing to say to Johnny why dont you say it like you was a -man of sense, Johnny, you hush this minnute, where did Billy put them -sizzors, I think baby is awoke, and that roast has got to be took out -of the uven fore it burns.” And then she walked out of the room like a -thing of life. - -When she was gone, and Missy too, Uncle Ned he stoppd laughin and said: -“Johnny, you have made a mess of this thing. Its nothin but jest only -that your sister is a goin to be married.” - -I said would it be for long, and after a while he said: “I give it up, -ask me a easier one.” - -Last night we had supper late, but I was let stay up, and I et so much -frute cake that I fell a sleep in my chair at the table, and what do -you bet I dreamed? I thought I was a settin all alone at a other long -table, and pretty soon all the animals which I had wrote about come in -and set theirselfs down in the chairs. There was a ephalent, and a rhi -nosey rose, and a giraft, and a wale, and a hi potamus, and a eagle, -and a cammle, and a ostridge, and a big snake, and a rat, and a cow, -and a ri nupple dinky, and a dog, and a cracky dile, and a munky, and -evry kind of feller which roams the plain. I said to my own self: “I -guess this is Noahs ark and its beginnin for to rain.” - -Each animal had its feed before it, what ever it liked best. The -ephalent had pea nuts, and the bear had ginger bread, and the giraft -had a wether cock off a steeple, and the ostridge had some black smith -tools, and the rat it was a eatin some Dutch cheese on a trap, and the -cow had a holly hock, and the tagger had a cow, and the snake had a -tagger, and the cracky dile had a natif nigger, you never seen such a -fine dinner, and Missy was a waitin on the gests with a white veil on -and some orang owtang blossoms. Jest as she was a passin Jack Brily to -the shark, the wale, which was eatin scum longside of me at the head -of the table, stood up on his tail, the wale did, and he had a boat -full of wine under his fin, like it was a cup. The wale he blowed a -while, and then he bellerd like a organ, and bime by he spoke up and -said: “Ladys and gents, it isent any use me tellin you why we have met -together to night, cause you know all about it. You know, too, that -we havent ever had a square deal from the relatives of our friend the -gorilly, which calls theirselfs yuman beins. They have been aginst us -from the first, and shiver my timbers if I dont believe thay would send -us all to the bottom if they had the power! Blow me tight, if I wouldnt -rather be a native of Nantucket than any one of them! We hav had only -but just 2 friends in the whole damb outfit. One was old Noah, which -wasent any use to me, and the other we have with us this evening, our -distingished guest, a true friend which under stands us, the only yuman -bein which has ever saw the point of our jokes and the beauty of our -moral charackters. Ime sure we all hopes that his yarns mark the dawn -of a new ery, and men will larn from them that we aint sech bad fellers -as some of us looks—meanin no offense to my friend the pecock; though -I dont go so fur as to say that I approove certain dishes which I see -bein et at this table, particklar by that shark. And now, ladys and -gents, I have the honor to ask you to join me in drinkin a bumper to -our ship mate, our guest, our friend, Little Johnny.” - -Then they all stood up and drinked, and then a old rooster, which was -to the other end of the table, he flopped his wings and crowed out -“Three cheers for Little Johnny!” which was give by all present, each -feller in the languidge that he had been teached at his mothers knee. -This made such a awful noise, that it woked me up, and my sister was a -pullin my ear for time to go to bed. - -When I was in my bed and she was in hern the door between us was open -and I said “Missy.” - -She said: “Hold your tungue, you bad boy, what was you a going to say?” - -I said: “Missy, are you a goin to be married?” and she said: “No, you -little goose, why not?” - -Then I said: “Missy, I know you are, and marryin is poligamy and means -movin into a other house. When you have done it I want you to do me a -partickler favor.” - -She said no, indeed she wouldnt, what was it? - -Then I spoke up and said “Missy, when you go for to live in your other -house I want you to take your young man and let him live there too, -cause he comes here so much to see Uncle Ned that he is a gum dasted -nusance!” - -And she said she would if she died for it. - -The Bible it says that fellers which are nusances shall arise from the -dead. And thats why I say eat drink and be merry, for to-morrow you -dont. But a pigs tail, nice roasted is the king of beasts. - - - - - TWO ADMINISTRATIONS - - - - - A PROVISIONAL SETTLEMENT - - - _McKinley, a President. Sagasta, a Prime Minister. Aguinaldo, a - Patriot._ - -SAGASTA—Señor Presidente, you are very good, and you will find that -Spain is not unreasonable. I have instructed my peace commissioners to -concede quite a number of the demands that yours will probably make. - -MCKINLEY—And the others? - -SAG.—Why, of course, Señor, a demand that is not conceded is refused. - -MCK.—But if my commissioners have the sorrow to insist? - -SAG.—In that case Spain knows how to defend her honor. - -MCK.—How, for example? - -SAG.—If need be, with the naked breasts of her sons! - -MCK.—My good friend, you err widely. The thing which there may be a -dispute about is not Spanish honor, but Spanish soil. - -SAG.—In every square foot of which, Senõr Porco—I mean -Presidente—Spanish honor is rooted. - -MCK.—Sir, I shall consult my Secretary of Agriculture as to the -desirability of annexing land which produces a crop like that. But -this is your day to be dull: can you really suppose that in permitting -you to have peace commissioners I expected them to claim the right -of dissent? However these matters may be debated, there is but one -deciding power—the will of the American Executive. - -SAG.—Señor, you forget. Supreme over all, there is God! - -MCK.—O, I don’t know. He’s not the only—— - -SAG.—Holy cats! - - [_Enter Aguinaldo._] - -MCK.—First of all, Señor Prime Minister, you must renounce the island -of Luzon, and—— - -AGUINALDO—Yes, Señor, that being the most important island of the -group, and the one in which you have not now even a foothold, its -renunciation will naturally precede that of the others, as my great and -good ally is pleased to suggest. With regard to Luzon you have only to -say, “We renounce”; I, “We accept.” - -MCK.—Please have the goodness to hold your tongue. - -AG.—With both hands, your Excellency. - -MCK.—Second, Señor, you must assure a liberal government to the other -islands. - -SAG.—With great pleasure, your Excellency; quite cheerfully. - -MCK.—Please do not wink. Third, there must be—— - -AG.—Excuse me; I was brought up a Spanish subject. What is a liberal -government? - -MCK.—That is for Spain to decide. - -AG.—I don’t see what Spain will have to do with it. - -MCK.—My friend, you slumber—peaceful be thy dreams. Third, there must -be complete separation of church and state. - -SAG.—What! a Diabolocracy? You shock me! - -MCK.—Fourth, none of the islands, nor any part of them, is to be ceded -to any foreign nation without the consent of the United States. - -AG.—You understand, Señor—you hear that! Spain can never again acquire -a square foot of these islands, not even by reconquest or a corrupt -bargain with a recreant Filipino dictator, for she will again have to -reckon with our powerful protectors, whom may the good God reward! - -MCK.—The trouble with you is, you talk too much. Fifth, the United -States must have in the Philippines equal commercial privileges with -Spain. - -AG.—Equal? May I never again run amuck if they shall not have superior! -Why, I have it in mind to issue a proclamation closing every port -to the ships of Spain. As to the United States, commercial primacy -is a small reward for their assistance in the closing scene of our -successful rebellion. - -SAG.—Of course, as you say, I shall have to accept whatever terms you -have the great kindness to offer. As I understand your proposal, Spain -retains all the islands but Luzon; that is to belong to the United -States, and—— - -AG.—What! - -SAG.—This worthy Oriental appears to be laboring under a -misapprehension. - -MCK.—I know of nothing else that could make an Oriental labor. - -AG.—Señores, the language of diplomacy is to me an unfamiliar tongue: I -have imperfectly understood—pardon me. Is it indeed intended that the -United States shall take Luzon and Spain take all else? - -MCK.—“Retain” is the word. - -AG.—“Retain?” Why, that means to keep, to hold what is already -possessed. What you gentlemen have in possession in this archipelago is -the ground covered by the feet of your soldiers. Now, what right have -you, Señor Presidente, to the island of Luzon? The right of conquest? -You have not conquered it. - -MCK.—My dear fellow, you distress me. I conquered this gentleman, and -he is going to be good enough to give me the island as a testimonial of -his esteem. - -AG.—But he doesn’t own it. I had taken it away from him before you -defeated him—all but the capital, and by arrangement with your man -Dewey—— - -SAG.—Caram——! - -AG.—I assisted to take that. Why, he supplied me with arms for the -purpose! - -SAG.—Arms with which I had had the unhappiness to supply _him_. - -AG.—What is my reward? I am driven from the city which I assisted to -conquer, and you take not only that but the entire island, which you -had no hand in conquering. - -SAG. (_aside_)—Faith! he’ll conquer it before he gets it. - -MCK.—My friend, you are a Malay, with a slight infusion of Chinese, -Hindu and Kanaka. Naturally, you cannot understand these high matters. - -AG.—I understand this: We Filipinos rebelled against Spain to liberate -our country from oppression. We wrested island after island, city -after city, from her until Manila was virtually all that she had left. -As we were about to deprive her of that and regain the independence -which, through four hundred years of misrule, she had denied us we -experienced a dire mischance. You quarreled with her because she denied -independence to Cuba. Spanish dominion, which we had stabbed, was -already dead, but you arrived just in time to kick the corpse while it -was yet warm, and for this service you propose to administer upon the -estate, keeping the most valuable part for your honesty. You will then -revive the dead, buried and damned and reinstate him in possession of -the remainder! - -MCK. (_aside_)—O, will I? - -SAG.—Apparently, Señor Presidente, this worthy person is afflicted with -a flow of language. (_Aside_) The Porco Americano has the habit of -blushing. - -MCK. (_to Sagasta_)—Yes, the Filipino always has his tongue in his ear. -(_To Aguinaldo_) Proceed with the address. - -AG.—It is as if the French, having assisted your forefathers to -independence, had kept Boston and all New England for themselves and -restored the other colonies to Great Britain. If the Good Samaritan, -arriving while the man fallen among thieves was still struggling with -them, had assisted him to beat them off, had then taken his purse and -delivered him to the thieves again you would have had a Scriptural -precedent. - -SAG. (_writing in a notebook_)—“At a certain temperature the Porco -Americano can sweat.” - -MCK.—My great and good friend, you seem to have your climate with you, -as well as your chin. I must beg you to abridge your oration against -manifest destiny. - -AG.—Destiny was a long time manifesting herself, but she has not been -idle since. In the last four months you have torn up the three American -political Holy Scriptures: Washington’s Farewell Address, the Monroe -Doctrine and the Declaration of Independence. You now stand upon the -fragments of the last and declare it an error that governments derive -their just powers from the consent of the governed. In Hawaii you are -founding a government on the consent of less than three per centum -of the governed. In my country you propose to found one government -and restore another against the unanimous dissent of eight millions -of people whom you cheated into an alliance to that end. You cajoled -them into assisting at the cutting of their own throats. Your only -justification in making this war at all was Spain’s denial in Havana of -the political principle which you now repudiate in Honolulu and Manila. -Señores, we shall resist both the American and the Spanish occupation. -You will be allies—embrace! - - [_Exit Sagasta._] - -MCK.—My dear boy, you are unduly alarmed: the notion of letting -Spain keep those other islands is merely a Proposal Retractable—in -undiplomatic language, an offer with a string to it. - -AG.—And your plan of holding Luzon—after taking it? - -MCK.—Rest in peace: that is only what we call an Intention Augmentable. - -AG.—Ah, Señor, you make me so happy! - - - - - ASPIRANTS THREE - - _The Incumbent._ _The Born Candidate._ - _The Ambitious Mariner._ - - - INCUMBENT: - - Sir Admiral, ’twas but two years ago - I turned you loose against a feeble foe, - Gave you a chance to write your unknown name - In shouting letters on the scroll of fame, - Stood by you with a firmness almost sinful, - Fed you with honors till you had a skinful, - Plied you with praise till drunk as any lord— - And this, George Dewey, this is my reward! - So drunken with success you seem to be - That you have visions of succeeding—Me! - - AMBITIOUS MARINER: - - Why, blast my tarry toplights! what’s this row? - And which of you is speaking, anyhow? - - INCUMBENT (_aside_): - - He thinks I am beside myself. Alas, - He sees, as through the bottom of a glass, - Darkly. Strange how this pirate of the main - With an eye single to his private gain - Beholds things double! Would that I, poor worm, - Could see in duplicate my four years’ term. - The fellow’s looked too long upon the cup— - I’ll get behind his back and trip him up, - Break his damned neck, and then the tale repeat - Of how, poor man, he fell o’er his own feet. - That’s politics. - - [_Enter Born Candidate._] - Good Heavens, I am caught! - - BORN CANDIDATE: - - Hello, McPresident! - - INCUMBENT: - - Did you see aught - Suspicious in my actions? - - BORN CANDIDATE: - - Well, I guess - There might have been an aspirant the less - If I had longer stayed where I was “at.” - - INCUMBENT: - - And may I venture to ask where was that? - - BORN CANDIDATE: - - Along the roadside, hidden in the rye - To see the famous Admiral go by. - A look had done me good if I had got one. - It happened, by the by, I had a shotgun. - - AMBITIOUS MARINER (_to Born Candidate_): - - Shiver my timbers! you’re a dandy crimp— - That figure-head of yours would scare a shrimp. - - INCUMBENT (_to Born Candidate_): - - Let’s try less candid measures to remove him: - Moral dissuasion would perhaps improve him. - We can (when he’s not full of “old October”) - Appeal from Dewey drunk to Dewey sober. - - BORN CANDIDATE (_to Incumbent_): - - Said like a lawyer (’tis a grand profession!) - But that appellate court is ne’er in session. - - AMBITIOUS MARINER (_aside_): - - They think me half seas over. That’s all right— - I’m full, but what I’m full of is just fight. - - (_Aloud, scowling_): - - Some sailor men—rough fellows from the fleet— - Followed me here. They’re waiting in the street. - They’re loyal, but in temper they’re unsteady - And - - [_goes to the window and speaks out_] - - Gridley, you may fire when you are ready. - - [_Cannon within. Exeunt, hurriedly, Incumbent and Born Candidate._] - - That’s all—I never had the least intention - Of facing a political convention. - - - - - AT SANTIAGO - - - _Toral. Shafter._ - -TORAL—Ah, Señor, it was an anxious night—that of July 2. The angel of -sleep did not visit me, and my pillow—I shame not to say it—was wet -with tears. - -SHAFTER—Me too. I never swore so much in my life. I tried every way to -sleep, but couldn’t make it go. - -TOR.—How sad! Señor, we are no longer enemies, and we are alone. May I -hope that Heaven will put it into your heart to tell me why _you_ slept -not that unhappy night? - -SH.—That’s an easy one: I had made up my mind to demand your surrender. - -TOR.—Ah, what a tender heart; what sensibility! It pained you, the -thought of humiliating me. - -SH.—Not a bit of it; what worried me was the fear that you would refuse. - -TOR.—And then there would be such—what you call effusion of blood. You -are all compassion. - -SH.—Effusion of nothing. If you did not surrender to me I was going to -surrender to you. My army was rotten with fever. Now what kept _you_ -awake, old man? - -TOR.—The fear that you would surrender first. God o’ my soul!—we could -not eat you! - - - - - A CABINET CONFERENCE - - -_Hay, Secretary of State. Root, Secretary of War. Long, Secretary of -the Navy._ - -HAY—Ah, glad to see you, gentlemen; punctuality is the politeness of -princes. I feared we should have to postpone this Conference. - -LONG—Perhaps it would have been better. The newspapers have -learned about it. As I entered there were seven hundred and fifty -correspondents outside the door! - -ROOT—The Navy Department is ever liberal in its estimates. - -LONG—I’ll swear there are not fewer than a dozen; you saw them yourself. - -ROOT—Not I. I entered by way of the chimney. - -HAY—It is useless to try to conceal our movements; they learn -everything. - -LONG—It is to be hoped they will not learn the purpose of this -Conference. - -HAY—That will depend on your discretion; mine is unquestionable. - -ROOT—Is the door locked? - -HAY—Sure, and the keyhole stuffed. We are absolutely inaccessible to -the curiosity of the vulgar. - -LONG—Blast their tarry—— - -HAY—Mr. Secretary, I beg that you will not swear. Remember that the -President is a pillar of the church. - -ROOT—What church? - -HAY (_scratching the head of the State Department_)—I’m damned if I -know. I belong myself to the Church of England. - -LONG—Let us proceed to business; the crisis waits. - -HAY—Gentlemen (_opening secret drawer in table_), I have the honor to -put before you a—[_tumult within and beating of sticks on the door_.] -What’s that? - -ROOT—The Filipinos!—the Filipinos! Where is Corbin? - -LONG—Sounds like the Democratic party. - -HAY—Ah, I forgot; it is the correspondents. I have the honor to put -before you, with appropriate glasses, a bottle of pure Kentucky Bourbon -fifty-five years old—a gift from Governor Taylor to the President. As -the President drinks nothing—— - -LONG—What! - -ROOT—What! - -HAY—He drinks nothing from this bottle. I intercepted it. - -[_They drink and repeat. The Conference adjourns. Exeunt omnes. Enter -the Public Press._] - -THE PUBLIC PRESS—There was a consultation at the State Department this -afternoon among Secretaries Hay, Root and Long, the latter two of whom -had been sent for in great haste. Extraordinary precautions to secure -secrecy were taken, but it is understood that German aggression in -Brazil was discussed, and nothing is more certain than that the next -few days will witness grave and startling movements of our war ships in -both the North and the South Atlantic. Senator Lodge’s recent alarming -speech on the Navy Appropriation Bill is recalled, in connection with -this subject, as is also Senator Pettigrew’s significant silence. Nor -is it forgotten that last week there was a persistent rumor that the -Government was about to consider the advisability of taking a step of -which the importance could be determined only by its character and -result. - - - - - AN INDEMNITY - - _McKinley, the President. Hay, Secretary of State. The Czar - of Russia. The Sultan of Turkey. Ali Feroush Bey, the Turkish - Minister._ - - - ACT I - -MCKINLEY—John, have the goodness to say to the Turkish Minister that -unless his Government pays up we shall send a fleet to the Dardanelles. - -HAY—Yes, but would it not be better to say _through_ the Dardanelles? - -MCK.—I don’t know about that. One does not like to promise more than -one may be able to perform. Admiral Dewey tells me there is a doubt -about getting through; the strait is fortified at every turn. - -H.—Why, Admiral Dewey said, _àpropos_ of the Nicaragua canal, that -fortifications were worthless—that they only invited attack! - -MCK.—That was when he was standing by the Administration. He is now an -aspirant to the Presidency, and dares to say what he thinks. - -H. (_aside_)—Great Scott! I’d give ten years of life—nay, more: six -weeks of office—for the same courage. - -MCK.—John, what are you muttering in your beard? - -H.—A prayer for your health. - -MCK. (_aside_)—Ah, yes, I suffer from Hay fever. - -[_Observing him about to sneeze, Hay gives himself the happiness of -taking snuff._] - - - ACT II - -HAY—I greet your Excellency with rapture. - -ALI FEROUSH BEY—May your wives be as the leaves of the forest. - -H.—May it please your Excellency, the President says that if your -august master finds it inconvenient to pay that little account he need -not hurry. - -A. F. B.—Allah forbid that the Light of the Universe should hurry about -anything! - -H.—The matter will keep, and an ultimatum delivered about the first -week in November would—— - -A. F. B.—May jackasses sing on your grandmother’s grave! Do you think -you can use the Brother of the Prophet to further your cursed election -schemes? I shall advise that the bill be paid at once. - -H.—Exalted sir, I fear you are pleased to talk through your turban. -But I pray that you will permit me to withdraw. I must acquaint the -President with your answer. - - [_Exit Hay._] - -A. F. B.—The devil go with him! If I had him in Stamboul he’d be -walking on wood! - - - - - ACT III - - -MCK.—John, did you deliver my ultimatum to the Turkish Minister? - -HAY—Aye, that I did! And not only did I say we should send a fleet into -the Dardanelles, but I ventured to add that Colonel Bryan would go into -commission at once. - -MCK.—And did he say that he would advise his august -what-does-he-call-him to pay down on the nail? - -H.—I am pained to say that he did not. He said that he would see you in -Helfurst. - -MCK.—Where is that?—it sounds Dutch. - -H.—Yes; it is a town in Pennsylvania. - -MCK.—Well, I’ll meet him there and talk it over if you think the -character of our ultimatum permits. - -H.—Certainly; it is the Ultimatum Tentative. - - - - - ACT IV - - -THE SULTAN (_by telegraph_)—Your Majesty, would you be so good as to -lend a poor fellow the price of a few American missionaries? - -THE CZAR—God forbid! You must be more economical. Do you think I’m made -of money? - -SULTAN—But really—— - -CZAR—Yes, yes, I know. Your creditors are pressing you, and all that. -And you’ll promptly repay the loan—in a Golden Horn. I’ve heard it -before. - -SULTAN—By the toe-nails of the Prophet! if I get not the money, that -dog of darkness, the American President, will be after me with a -sharp stick; and he’ll do, and he’ll do, and he’ll do! He has already -delivered his ultimatum. - -CZAR—What! Is it so serious as that? My poor friend, I am sorry for -you. You are in for it, sure! In American diplomacy the ultimatum is a -prophecy of doom; you will be talked to death! - -SULTAN—Then lend me the money. - -CZAR—It is decreed otherwise. Kismet. - -SULTAN—But what am I to do? Talked to death!—that is disagreeable. - -CZAR—Build a mosque in which to pray that Heaven may put it into his -heart to send a fleet to Constantinople and commute your punishment to -bombardment. - -SULTAN—May jackals whelp in his harem!—that is what he says he will do. - -CZAR—Build two mosques. - - - - - FOR INTERVENTION - - _President McKinley._ _Envoy Fischer._ _Secretary Gage._ _Voices._ - - -PRESIDENT MCKINLEY—Well, Meinherr, what can we do for each other? - -ENVOY FISCHER—Haf your Egcellenzy not vas inform of vhat I vants? - -P. MCK.—My Secretary of State says you bear a petition for promoting -missionary work in Africa, but he is a great diplomat and not always to -be believed. - -E. F.—Your Egcellenzy, I coom to ask for Amerigan onterventionings -between der Soud Ofrigan Ropoobligs und der dom Preetish. - -P. MCK.—Jeewhillikins! - -E. F.—Vas? - -P. MCK.—Did my Secretary of State know that? And he let you in? - -E. F.—Yaw, your Egcellenzy. - -P. MCK.—Well, I’ll be gam doodled!—pardon; I mean I’ll be delighted. We -call it gam doodled. - -E. F.—Yaw, I shbeak der Amerigan longvidge very goot meinself all der -vhile somdimes yet. - -P. MCK.—Beautifully. - -E. F.—Der Soud Ofrigan Ropoobligs dey sooffer demselfs mooch. As your -Segretary of Shtate he say, Gread Bridain she don’d do a teeng to us. -Sheneral Yowbert—— - -P. MCK.—Zhoobair. - -E. F.—Yowbert he is die of belly ache again, und Sheneral Cronje gif -oop som more, und Sheneral Botha he droonk like a fittler’s—— - -P. MCK.—And larrups the soldiers with a slambangbok. - -E. F.—Yaw, yaw, und Bresident Kruger he vas vun olt ladies, und der -Preetish is aferyvheres, und Vebster Dafis don’d vas wort his monies, -und—— - -P. MCK.—“Oond,” in short, you fellows are licked out of your boots. - -E. F.—Vas? - -P. MCK.—I was saying that, in the sympathetic judgment of this country, -your admirable people are experiencing an unforeseen adversity. - -E. F.—Lort Roperts haf onvaded our sagred soil und he vil nod led go. - -P. MCK.—My great and good friend, pardon me, but didn’t your people -begin that? - -E. F.—We haf tvice unpology made, but Lort Soolsbury he vill not occept. - -P. MCK.—How strange! - -E. F.—Ve oppeals on der great und goot Yongee heart, vich lofes us. It -vas vun grand receptions vich der Amerigan beobles vas gif us under Ny -Yark som day! - -P. MCK.—Yes, it was. I have here a list of names of the Reception -Committee, which [_enter Secretary Gage_] I will read to you. -[_Reads_]. - -SECRETARY GAGE—Mr. President, may I ask if that list of names was -copied from the books of the Commissioner of Immigration at Ellis -Island? - -P. MCK.—O, no: they are names of exponents of American public -sentiment. They “received” this honest gentleman. - -S. G. (_eyeing honest gentleman_)—Well, I fancy it would be more -blessed to give him than receive. - -E. F.—But, your Egcellenza, shall ve haf der onterventionings alreaty -yet? I burn mit ombatience! - -P. MCK. (_to servant_)—The gentleman burns. Put him out. - - [_Exit Envoy Fischer, pursued._] - -VOICES (_within_)—Hurrah! Hurrah for the Boer Republic! - -P. MCK.—There must be an unusual number of Congressmen in the waiting -room. - - - - - THE ORDEAL - - _An Historian._ _Clio._ - - -HISTORIAN (_writing_)—“The Yanko-Spanko war was brief, but very -destructive. In the two or three months that it lasted the Americans -had more than three thousand soldiers and a half-dozen sailors killed -by the Spaniards and—” - -CLIO—Tut-tut! no romancing; less than three hundred were killed. - -H. (_writing_)—“Their own officers. Armed with repeating incompetences, -the latter were indeed formidable.” - -Did you speak? - -C.—No. - -H. (_writing_)—“An effort was made to hold the commanding officers of -the expeditionary forces responsible for the mortality among their -troops, but ended in failure, for it could not be determined who was in -command.” - -Clio, dear, who was in command at Santiago? - -C.—First Linares, then Toral. - -H.—I mean, who commanded the Americans. - -C.—I don’t know. - -H.—What are you the Muse of History for if you don’t know such a thing -as that? - -C.—Ask me who really built the Great Pyramid, and why. Ask me who -wrote the “Junius” letters. Ask me who was the Man in the Iron Mask. -Ask me what Browning meant. Ask me anything in reason, but don’t ask -me who commanded the American army in the Yanko-Spanko war. Settle it -by turning a coin. You’ll be as likely to be right as wrong, and in -History that will give good results. The historian who in the long run -tells the truth half the time is a great historian. - -H. (_turning coin_)—Head, Miles; tail, Shafter. - -C.—Well? - -H.—It is a smooth coin! (_Writes_) “The army before Santiago had no -commander.” - - - - - FROSTING A BUD - - _McKinley, President._ _Hay, Secretary of State._ _Mark Hanna, - Senator and Dictator Politicus._ - - -MCKINLEY—John, I am greatly troubled. - -HAY—Permit me to send for the head of the Bureau of Exculpation and -Avoidance. - -MCK.—Not to-day; it is another kind of matter. - -H.—Ah, then; the Lord High Disheartener of the Importunate—— - -MCK.—No, no, John, it is about you. - -H.—About me? Surely, you do not mean—you cannot think that another -change in the Cabinet—— - -MCK.—May you be Secretary of State for a thousand years. - -H.—Then speak it out. I have a heart for any fate except one. - -MCK.—Well, it is this: I have not seen nor heard of anybody who seems -to want you for Vice-President. Actually, your name has not been -mentioned except by myself. - -H.—And to whom were you pleased to mention it, if I may ask? - -MCK.—To Senator Hanna. - -H.—And am I worthy to know what he said? - -MCK.—It will pain you, John. Mr. Hanna is a strong, coarse man who says -what he thinks and never stops to think what he says. - -H.—What did he say? - -MCK.—That you would make a good running mate for a lame tortoise. - -H.—Indeed! - -MCK.—He added that you had been drowned by the British Ambassador in -the Nicaragua Canal. - -H.—Anything more? - -MCK.—He said that you parted your beard on the Greenwich meridian. - -H.—Yes. - -MCK.—He said that if asininity had not been invented you would invent -it. - - [_Enter Mark Hanna. Exit, McKinley._] - -MARK HANNA—Good-morning, Mr. Secretary. - -H.—What is your business with me, sir? - -M. H.—Why, John, I came to ask you if you would accept the nomination -for Vice-President. - -H.—After what you said to the President on that subject, sir—— - -M. H.—It has never been mentioned between us. - -H.—Ho-o-o-wat! - - [_Falls in a fit of shivers._] - -M. H.—The gentleman appears to be indisposed. Guess he was struck by a -draft from the Open Door. - - - - - A BAFFLED AMBITION - - _McKinley, President._ _Roosevelt, Vice-President._ _Hay, Secretary - of State._ _Doorkeeper._ - - -ROOSEVELT—Mr. President, I have come to consult with you about—— - -MCKINLEY—Why, yes, of course. I expect always to consult with the -leading men of the party—you and the others. - -R.—Others? - -MCK.—In the great scheme of the universe Heaven has provided others. - -R.—There are also snakes and flies, but we do not accord them a voice -in the ordering of large affairs. - -MCK.—There is my Cabinet. - -R.—Nice chaps—they will, no doubt, be glad to carry out any policy that -we may decide upon. - -MCK.—Then I understand that in the guidance and direction of this -administration you have the goodness to care to be the Whole Thing? - -R.—You do me the greatest injustice (_lifting his eyes to the sky and -reverently pointing in the same direction_). There is a greater than I. - -MCK.—Have you any other news? - -R.—I have read your message from start to finish. - -MCK.—Indeed! And what do you think of it? - -R.—The worst I ever! It does not at all express my views on the—— - -MCK.—The views expressed are supposed to be those of the President. - -R.—The devil! - -MCK.—I beg pardon. The President. - -R.—But where do I come in? - -MCK.—Into what? The White House? Where the cat does, I think. The other -entrances are guarded. - -R.—Look here, pardner, I mean to be a part of this administration. - -MCK.—With that hat? - -R.—What’s the matter with the hat? - -MCK.—The head. [_Rings bell, enter Hay._] Mr. Secretary, this -gentleman has the goodness to wish to resign and become a part of the -administration. Is there a vacancy in the Cabinet? - -HAY—You can easily make one, sir, by appointing him. - - [_Exit Roosevelt, swearing._] - -The Russian Ambassador has called to talk of a concerted movement on -Peking, to rescue the besieged legations. - -MCK.—Never mind that now—let us have peace. - - [_Enter Doorkeeper, pale and agitated._] - -DOORKEEPER—O, if you please, sir, the gentleman with the teeth! - -MCK.—Well? - -D.—He—he showed ’em! - -MCK.—Well? - -D.—He—he drawed a bowie knife! If you please, sir, I—I’d like another -place. - -MCK.—You are right, my good man. You shall be Minister to China. - - - - - THE GENESIS OF A NATION - - - _Hay, Secretary of State._ _Morgan, a Southern Senator._ - _Telephone._ - -MORGAN—Mr. Secretary, I have startling and important news: the State of -Panama has seceded from Colombia! - -HAY—You don’t say so!—this is so sudden! - -MOR.—Yes, sir, it is true. - -HAY—Well, well! Who would have thought it? - -MOR.—I trust, sir, this removes the last scruple that the -Administration may have had against immediate construction of the -Nicaraguan Canal. The war down there will—— - -HAY—War? Is there also a war? - -MOR.—Sir, you astonish me! Am I to suppose that you do not know that -secession entails war? I learned that more than forty years ago. - -HAY—Dear me! Then we shall have to protect American interests. How do -you think it would do to send word to our Consul at Colon to be duly -vigilant in the matter? Or perhaps it would be better to have our -Minister at Bogota notify Colombia that there must be no bloodshed. - -MOR.—I think, if you want to know, that that would be taking the side -of Panama. - -HAY—We cannot, of course, do that: it would look like a violation -of neutrality. Really, the situation is embarrassing. I wish those -hot-headed southern Republics would be good. - -MOR.—Well, sir, if you have nothing to propose, I shall speak of the -matter in the Senate. - -HAY—Oh, thank you so much. I promise you that we will await the -conclusion of your remarks before taking any action in the Nicaraguan -matter. - -MOR. (_aside_)—Hoist with my own petard! - - [_Exit Morgan; Hay goes to telephone._] - -HAY—Hello! Give me the Secretary of the Navy. - -TELEPHONE—Br-r-r-r-r-rrr. - -HAY—That you, Moody? Have you sent those fifteen warships to the -Isthmus?—and the two thousand marines? And have they orders that if any -Colombian soldier set foot on the sacred soil of Panama they are to -shoot him on the spot? - -TEL.—Br-r-r-r-rzz—spot him on the snoot. - -HAY—All right. I’ll draft a canal treaty with the Panaman Junta at -once. The President has his ear to the ground and says that there is -a pretty strong sentiment down there in favor of admittance into this -Union. Truly this is a wonderful century. - -TEL.—People are saying that we fomented this Panama rebellion. - -HAY—Oh, Moody; how unjust! - - - - - A WHITE HOUSE IDYL - - _President Roosevelt._ _Shonts, Engineer of the Panama Canal._ - _Loeb, Private Secretary to the President._ _The Adversary of - Souls._ _The Press._ - - - ACT I - - PRESIDENT (_solus_): - - There!—’tis to be a lock canal. Now let - The dirt fly. - - [_Enter Shonts._] - - SHONTS: - - Very well, sir, don’t you fret; - It will, right speedily, I’m sure. But I— - I’m getting out of this concern. I fly! - - [_Exit Shonts._] - - PRESIDENT: - - Now let the heathen rage: their pet sea-level - Canal has gone a-glimmering to the devil. - - [_Enter Loeb with a card._] - - What’s this? “The Adversary.” Just my luck— - Without a rake I get all kinds of muck. - Always that Democrat appears if I - But mention him—I really wonder why. - Of one too many he’s the one. Go say - - (_sighing_) - - That I’ll not see him—I’ve seen Shonts to-day. - - LOEB: - - The gentleman is in the waiting room. - I think he wants to talk about your “boom.” - - PRESIDENT: - - Wants an appointment in my Cabinet, - And there’s no vacancy. - - LOEB: - - O you forget— - There’s Hitchcock. - - [_Enter Adversary._] - - PRESIDENT: - - Ah, good morning, sir. Delighted! - - (_aside_) - - The fellow never waits till he’s invited. - - ADVERSARY: - - Sir, we have overlooked the unwritten law - Forbidding a third term. You must withdraw. - - PRESIDENT (_aside_): - - Come to torment me! How this horrid shape, - Grinning behind his hand like any ape, - Maddens to candor. (_Aloud_) Brute! you might delay - Your triumph until I have had my day - And nations weep, in slow procession walking—— - - ADVERSARY: - - For him who dug the great canal by talking! - ’Twere long to wait unless your tongue were made - By miracle divine into a spade. - - PRESIDENT: - - Take that, you beast! - - [_Beats him and chases him off the stage, losing his temper in the - scuffle._] - - LOEB (_solus_): - - The rogues fall out—_sic semper_. - As honest man, I will annex his temper. - - [_Puts President’s temper under his coat and exit._] - - - ACT II - - THE PRESS (_solum_): - - The President “received” last night—all smiles, - Charming the throng with amiable wiles. - But Loeb, with flaming eyes and flying feet, - Sprang in and kicked them all into the street! - - - - - TWO FAVORITES - - _Wood, a Medicated Warrior._ _Miles, a Soldier._ _Satan, a - Statesman._ _Chorus of Citizens._ - - - MILES (_to Wood_): - - Sir, I have ventured to observe with what - I hope is a becoming modesty, that not - In vain have been your sacrifices, nor - Quite thrown away your aptitude for war. - Service and genius—these are things that count, - With (if you’re cavalry) the skill to mount. - Somewhat, too, doubtless, it promotes your gains - In rank and honors to possess the brains - To know enough to go in when it rains. - - WOOD: - - Some know enough to note the fine effect - Of sunshine on their uniform. - - MILES: - - Correct: - I’ve keener joy to see the daybeam smite - My gay attire than you to see it light - Your military record. Let’s get through— - I’d rather bandy swords than words with you. - But you’re a man of peace—a doctor, sir; - To save life, not to take it, you prefer; - And in the Spanish War your taste was shown - In saving with consummate skill your own. - By that you earned, according to my notion, - More leather medals, not so much promotion. - - CHORUS OF CITIZENS: - - By that he earned, according to our notion, - More leather medals, not so much promotion. - - MILES: - - When you’re a general in chief command, - May peace dwell ever in this happy land! - - CHORUS OF CITIZENS: - - When he’s a general in chief command, - May peace dwell ever in this happy land! - - WOOD: - - From Santiago’s veins I drained the fever. - - MILES: - - When shown by Lawton how to make it leave her. - - WOOD: - - I washed Havana. - - MILES: - - Yes, you made the mud flow - Right lively when you had been taught by Ludlow. - - WOOD: - - My service—— - - MILES: - - ’Twas of silver, was it not?— - Given you by gamblers for the Lord knows what! - Well, take your honors—they’re well earned, I think, - By working for yourself with printer’s ink - And feats of fawning—all the arts, in fine, - Whereby our peace-time heroes rise and shine. - Rather than witness more of your intrigues - I’ll mount a bronco and ride thirty leagues! - - WOOD: - - Well, two Administrations, you’ll agree, - I have been served and honored by. - - SATAN: - - Dear me, - I’ve had the favor and support of three. - - - - - A DIPLOMATIC TRIUMPH - - _President Roosevelt._ _Secretary of State Hay._ - - -THE PRESIDENT—Say, John, I wish you would see the Chinese Minister -and tell him that Russia is complaining that China does not observe a -strict neutrality. Tell him that she is imperiling her administrative -entity. - -SECRETARY HAY—I have already done so, sir; and I ventured to add that -an oyster schooner that had just arrived from below had a very large -mast. - -THE P.—What the dickens had that to do with it? - -S. H.—Ah, you are not skilled in the language of diplomacy; it was an -oblique reference to the “big stick.” The Chink understood; he was born -on one of the days before yesterday. - -THE P.—And what did he say? - -S. H.—Everything: put his hands into his long sleeves, crossed them on -his breast and bowed three times, profoundly silent. Then he retired. - -THE P.—I am from Wyoming and you’ll have to explain. - -S. H.—It’s all right. I at once summoned the other Ambassadors (except -the Russian and the Japanese) and told them that you had made the most -forcible representations to the Chinese Empress regarding her Majesty’s -breaches—— - -THE P.—Her what? You said _that_? - -S. H.—Of neutrality. They were greatly impressed. - -THE P.—What did they say? - -S. H.—What could they say? They bowed and went out, one by one, leaving -the door open. The Open Door is what we stand for. It is all over. - -THE P.—Except the shouting. - -S. H.—Secretary Loeb will see to that. He has prepared a statement of -the incident for the press. - - [_Tumult within—cheers and fishhorns._] - -THE P.—What’s that? - -S. H.—The shouting. - - - - - A SUCKED ORANGE - - _The President._ _Root, Secretary of State._ - - ROOT: - - O world-power President, strenuous, mighty-mouthed, audible, able, - Director of destiny, _arbiter morum_, compeller of princes, - Why this dejected demeanor, this sighing that signifies something - Gone wrong with the organ wherewith you were happy aforetime? O, keep - me - No longer a-guessing: divulge to your faithful Elihu the hidden - Vermicular monster that gnaws at the core of the executive bosom— - Nay, feeds on the damask of that which mainly attests your - distinction. - - PRESIDENT: - - Alas, ’tis no worm that is secretly plying the hardy incision; - From troubles intestinal I and my country have present exemption— - Albeit the Democrats, turbulent ever and always disloyal, - Continue to shout of political contributions, demanding - A needless accounting, and some hint at restitution. My sorrow - Has better foundation. King Edward of England has joined the Mikado - In making a shameless alliance to tighten their grip upon Asia! - - ROOT: - - Why, surely, my master, we have the advantage: this compact secures us - Continuous peace in the Orient, gives us the door that is open. - Prevents the partition of China—in brief it establishes firmly - All that my great predecessor - - (_aside_) - - (whom the Angel of Death, in his wisdom, - Removed from my path to the White House) - - (_aloud_) - - so gallantly strove to accomplish. - - PRESIDENT: - - What’s that got to do with it, idiot? A - broad-minded statesman (behold him!) - O’erlooks, like a man on a stepladder, trivial and transient - advantage, - Discerning the meaning and menace of methods that mark the - achievement. - Not once in all the proceedings that led to this hardy alliance - Was uttered, or written, or thought of, the name of Theodore - Roosevelt! - - [_Exit._] - - ROOT (_solus_): - - O, dammit! why should they consult him?— there wasn’t a roasting - chestnut - To pull from the fire—and his fingers still smart from the Peace of - Portsmouth. - - - - - A TWISTED TALE - - _Roosevelt, President._ _Hay, Secretary of State._ _Cassini, - Russian Ambassador._ - - - HAY: - - Good morning, Count. Sir, are you well to-day? - - CASSINI: - - Quite well, I thank your Excellency. Pray - Inform me if your physical condition - Is satisfactory to your physician. - - HAY: - - O no, indeed: I’m sounder than an apple. - - CASSINI (_aside_): - - The fellow’s wormy. - - HAY: - - Now, then, let us grapple - With “Bessarabian outrages” and such. - Some recent—ah—um—er—have pained us much. - Christians and Jews alike are up in arms - Here in America, and this alarms - The President. He tells me I’m expected - To take a firm stand till the thing’s corrected. - - CASSINI: - - So good of him! That means there’s trouble brewing: - If we stay wicked there’ll be “something doing.” - If, for example, we ignore your cross talk - You’ll send a monitor to Vladivostok. - - HAY: - - O no, my friend, it might mean more than play - If public sentiment could have its way. - Our people are so wroth it might mean war - Did naught prevent—but that’s what _I_ am for. - As ’tis, it means that an election’s coming, - And to succeed we’ve got to keep things humming. - - CASSINI: - - In other words, it means just nothing. - - HAY: - - Yes, - That is about the size of it, I guess. - The Jewish vote, you understand—— - - CASSINI: - - I see: - To help you get it you apply to me; - And my Imperial Master is the cat - To pull your chestnuts from the fire. Well, “Scat, - You beast!” is not the right command. - - HAY: - - My noble friend, you do not understand. - What I shall offer to you for transmission - Is nothing but a courteous petition, - Which if you pocket (_winking_) on your own head be it. - I shall have done my duty as I see it. - - CASSINI: - - But how about your master? - - HAY: - - He’s all right; - He must make faces, but he need not fight. - - CASSINI: - - Hand in the document without delay— - ’Twill go on file. I bid you, sir, good day. - - [_Exit Cassini; enter Roosevelt._] - - ROOSEVELT: - - Well, John, I trust you broke no bones. Did you - Caution that candle-eater what we’ll do - If one more Hebrew they annoy? Does he - Clearly perceive they’ll have to deal with Me? - - HAY: - - Well, I should say so! Sir, I plainly said - You’d heap their land with tumuli of dead; - Hang by the heels the Czar until he’d weep - His shoes full; load the sanguinary deep - With battleships until ’twould overwhelm - The seaboard cities of their monkey realm; - Encumber it with wrecks and floating carcasses! - - ROOSEVELT: - - That programme is more strenuous than Marcus’s— - Hanna, my master. _He_ would never dare - To twist the tail of the fierce Russian bear. - I’m big enough to tackle any brute! - - [_Exit Roosevelt._] - - HAY (_solus_): - - I too am quite a sizable galoot. - - - - - POST MORTEM - - _The President._ _Miles, Commander of the Army._ _Root, Secretary - of War._ _Loeb, Private Secretary to President._ _Hull, Chairman of - Committee on Military Affairs._ _An Orderly._ - - - ACT I - - _Headquarters of the Army._ - - MILES (_in bed_): - - What ho, there! orderly—I say, I say! - Bring in my breakfast. What’s the time o’ day? - What? six o’clock!—and day’s already broke? - I’m too late to escape him. Holy smoke! - I think I hear his footstep on the stair— - But no, it is not his: there is no blare - Of a great trumpet strenuously blown— - That veritable _tuba mirum_ known - To have sounded once the charge at Kettle Hill - (After ’twas made) and to be sounding still. - - ORDERLY: - - Perhaps he will not come. - - MILES: - - Perhaps, perhaps— - Yet well I know those War Department chaps - Have told him of my novel plan that places - The Army on a military basis. - Ne’er mind the breakfast; I’ll get up and fly - Before the sun’s another minute high. - If I can by a masterly retreat - Escape him trust me to come back and eat. - - ORDERLY: - - There’s some one, sir, a-tryin’ to break in. - - MILES: - - O Lord, forgive my every little sin! - Seeing that I was going to be late - Developing my Plan, he would not wait, - He’s risen with the lark, alas, and brought - His answer to my unperfected thought. - He always was forehanded. [_Enter President._] - - PRESIDENT: - - I’ve no time - To let the punishment await the crime. - Take that, and that, and that! (_beating him._) - - MILES: - - Of course, of course; - I’m firm in judgment, but I yield to force. - “Submission is a military virtue,” - The Regulations say, “howe’er it hurt you.” - I’ll now submit to buffets with sobriety, - And, later on, my view of their propriety, - Together with some pertinent suggestions - Touching important military questions. - - PRESIDENT: - - You may, and touching civil ones to boot; - Submit them, though, to Secretary Root. - - [_Enter Root._] - - MILES: - - Yes, but ’twould hearten me if you’d agree - To signify your mind to him, not me. - Seeing him lame I’ll know the views I deem - Correct are held by you in light esteem. - - ROOT: - - Don’t rub your bruises, man; that’s mutiny! - - PRESIDENT: - - And it demands official scrutiny. - I’ll summon a court-martial, sir, to “fire” you; - And if it finds you guiltless I’ll retire you. - You huff me anyhow. Dashnation, man, - The battle spirit, like a black-and-tan - Ranch dog, sits up and howls within my breast, - And it’s O, to bust a bronco in the West! - Fetch me that broomstick, soldier. Golly me! - I must ride something or I die. - - ROOT (_on hands and knees_): - - Ride me. - - - ACT II - - _The White House_ - - - LOEB: - - O Mr. President, depress your ear - Till it enfold me, so that you may hear - Strange news of one departed—one that you - Have done to death: old Nelson Miles. - - ROOSEVELT: - - Go to! - There is no news of him; he’s dead as nails. - - LOEB: - - About him, though, they tell alarming tales. - ’Tis said that he has moved an inch or so. - - ROOSEVELT: - - Go put a heavier stone upon him—go! - Confound the fellow! will he ne’er stay dead? - - LOEB: - - The worst is yet to come: they say his head - Is half-protruded from the tomb! - - ROOSEVELT: - - Quick, quick! - Go rap it roundly with the big, big stick. - - LOEB: - - Nay, that’s a weapon I’m too weak to wield. - - (_aside_) - - For anything I know, the corpse is “heeled.” - - ROOSEVELT: - - Where’s Colonel Hull? Command him to attack. - He’s brave and generous enough to crack - The skull of any dead man living. Take the stick. - - [_Exit Loeb._] - - That rogue’s obedient, but he makes me sick. - - [_An hour elapses. Enter Hull._] - - HULL: - - The work is done: again he is no more— - He was half out. These red stains are his gore. - - ROOSEVELT: - - I trust you gave him a conclusive whack. - - HULL: - - Well, not exactly, but—I bit his back! - - - - - A STRAINED RELATION - - _The President._ _Root, Secretary of State._ _Taft, Secretary of - War._ _Bonaparte, Secretary of the Navy._ _Metcalf, Secretary of - Commerce and Labor._ _Dewey, an Admiral._ _Loeb, Private Secretary - to the President._ - - - ACT I - - _The White House, October, 1906._ - - -ROOT—Mr. President, the Japanese Minister complains that the children -of his countrymen in California are denied admittance to the public -schools. - -PRESIDENT—That will be bad for their education. - -ROOT—He regards this as an unfriendly discrimination. - -PRES.—I should suppose that would be a painful conviction. - -ROOT—He says his countrymen in Japan are greatly excited about it. - -PRES.—What a jabbering they must make. - -ROOT—He is making a good deal of noise himself. - -PRES.—Dare say. Let’s ask Metcalf about it; he’s from California. -[_Taps the bell nine times—enter Secretary Metcalf._] Mr. Secretary, -how about the exclusion of Japs from the Californian public schools, -poor little things! - -METCALF—There are separate schools for them. The average age of the -poor little things is about thirty years. - -PRES.—How affecting! Many of them must be orphans. I was once an orphan. - -ROOT (_aside_)—His levity fatigues. (_To the President_) Among the -Japanese there are no orphans: those of them that have lost their -parents have an official father in the Minister of War. - -PRES.—What’s that? - -ROOT—Their actual guardian is the ranking admiral of the navy. - -PRES.—The devil! - -ROOT—No; Togo. - -PRES.—This is a mighty serious matter, as I said. Go at once to the -Japanese Minister and disavow everything. [_Exit Secretary Root, -smiling aside._] Metcalf, tell Loeb to prepare apologies for Japan, -for publication in the newspapers. Take the first train to California, -and—— - - [_Exit Secretary Metcalf. Enter Secretary Bonaparte, breathless._] - -BONAPARTE—Mr. President, the J-J—the Mapanese Jinister is in the offing -with all his s-suite! He is sailing up the gravel walk this very -m-minute! For heaven’s sake, go to the window and show your teeth. - - [_Exit Secretary Bonaparte, running. Tumult within: “Banzai! - Banzai!”_] - -PRES. (_solus_)—What under the sun can I say to appease the pirates? -This is what comes of the Peace of Portsmouth! It is this to be a world -power with a contumacious province. - - [_Has had a bad half-hour._] - - - ACT II - - _The Same, August, 1907._ - -PRES.—Mr. Secretary, it is reported that the Japanese in Hawaii are -rising. - -MET.—You don’t say so! Why, it is hardly six o’clock by their time. -They are early risers. - -PRES.—I learn from Secretary Root that Admiral Togo’s battleships are -coaling. Now, what can that mean? - -MET.—Let us ask Dewey. [_Enter, thoughtfully, Admiral Dewey._] Admiral, -the President has learned that the Japanese battleships at Tokio are -taking on coal. What, in your judgment as a sailor, are they going to -do with it? - -DEWEY—Burn it. - - [_Enter Secretary Root._] - -ROOT—Mr. President, California is about to secede—we shall lose -Metcalf! The entire Pacific Coast will follow. I go to glory or the -grave! - - [_Exit Secretary Root. Enter Secretary Taft, with bottle._] - -TAFT—In this supreme crisis of the nation let us fortify our souls -(_filling glasses_) for any trial. - -PRES. (_lifting glass_)—Here’s confusion to the memory of the late -Commodore Matthew Perry! - - [_They drink. Tumult within: “Banzai! Banzai!” Enter Loeb._] - -LOEB—Mr. President—— - -PRES.—Where’s Root? - -LOEB—In the East Room, playing draw poker with the Japanese Minister. -[_Renewed tumult within_: “_Banzai Nippon!_”] The Jap seems to be -winning. - - - - - A WIRELESS ANTEPENULTIMATUM - - _The President._ _Hay, Secretary of State._ _Bowen, Minister to - Venezuela._ - - - PRESIDENT: - - John Hay, where are you on the great, gray sea? - I beg you will at once return to me. - This wireless business is the devil’s own, - And Castro’s playing him with me alone! - Venezuela sneering at my threat; - Santo Domingo more and more in debt; - Their foreign creditors dispatching fleets - With duns and guns and sons of guns—it beats - The Dutch, the devil and the band! I swear - From sheer distraction I could pull your hair! - ’Twixt Castro and the Doctrine of Monroe, - My fears are nimble and my wits are slow. - I know not where to go nor how to stop— - Stand fast or, like old Saul of Tarsus, “flop.” - Nothing I know, and everything I doubt— - Dear John, in God’s name put your prow about! - - HAY: - - Though the skies fall upon the hills beneath - Be resolute. If needful show your teeth. - - PRESIDENT: - - Dear Bowen, go to Castro. Tell him straight - He must make up his mind to arbitrate. - Say if he won’t—here swing the big, big stick— - We’ll do a little stunt to make him sick. - - BOWEN: - - Your words I’ve put into his ear. Said he: - “I’m sick already—to the mountains, me.” - - PRESIDENT: - - Tell him again; then if he won’t, why, add - We’ll give him ninety days to wish he had. - - BOWEN: - - I’ve told him that, sir, and he says if you - Are pressed for time a single day will do, - For he’s a rapid wisher. What shall I - Say further, to provoke a coarse reply? - - PRESIDENT: - - Tell him that when the time allowed is up - We’ll press against his lips the bitter cup. - We’ll waste no further words in this. Don’t fail - To send the scalawag’s reply—by mail. - - - - - A PRESIDENTIAL PROGRESS - - -FIRST AMERICAN SOVEREIGN—Hurrah! Hooray! Hurroo! - -SECOND AMERICAN SOVEREIGN—What’s the matter with you? - -F. A. S.—What’s the matter with me? What’s the matter with all of us? -Don’t you see the President’s train? Don’t you hear him speaking from -the rear platform? - -S. A. S.—What’s to prevent? - -F. A. S.—Nothing could prevent—not all the crowned heads of Europe, nor -all their sycophant courtiers and servile subjects! - -S. A. S.—No, nothing—just nothing at all—excepting personal -self-respect and a decent sense of the dignity of American citizenship. - -F. A. S.—What! You think it base and undignified to pay honor to the -President’s great office? - -S. A. S.—It is easy to call it “honoring his great office.” I believe -we commonly do give the name of some virtue to our besetting vice. I -observe that the President, too, honors our own great office by the -most sickening flattery of the people every time he opens his mouth. -His reasons are better than ours, for we really rank him: his great -office is of our own making and bestowal. But I wish he wouldn’t lick -my boots. - -F. A. S.—Sir, you have no right to use such language of the ruler of -the nation! - -S. A. S.—It is “ruler” when you want an excuse to grovel; in your more -austere moods it is “servant of the people”—and that is his own name -for the thing that he has the distinction to be. I don’t cheer my -butler, nor throw flowers at my coachman, nor crush the hand of my cook. - -F. A. S. (_aside_)—This must be a millionaire! (_Aloud_) I see great -wisdom, sir, in what you say. I’ll never again abase myself before -any one. Listen to the senseless applause! (_Aside, as loud as he can -bawl_) Hooray! Hooray! - -S. A. S.—Ah, that was the fellow’s expiring platitude. He has finished -waving the red flag and is coming this way. - - [_President passes, shaking hands with both._] - -F. A. S. (_gazing at his hand with deep emotion_)—God bless him! - -S. A. S.—Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! - - - - - MISCELLANEOUS - - - - - THE SAMPLE COUNTER - - OUR HISTORICAL NOVELS - - -_From “The First Man in Rome.”_ - -No sooner had Cæsar crossed the Rubicon than all Rome was ablaze with -excitement and terror. Horatius, who all by himself had held the bridge -until outnumbered, retreated to the Tiber, where he was joined by the -new levies, imperfectly armed and equipped, and some of the Prætorian -Guards. There, behind such defenses as they could improvise, they swore -to resist until all were dead. Sacrifices were offered to the gods, and -the augurs, removing the hearts of the victims, consulted the auricles. - -Meantime Cæsar’s leading legion, with Scipio Africanus marching proudly -at its head, came into view beyond the Tarpeian Rock—the same from -which the unhappy Sappho, one of the most prominent poets of her time, -had cast herself—and advanced without delay in a shower of catapults. - -Precisely what occurred during the next half-hour we are without the -data to state with confidence: all the historical novels of the three -or four centuries immediately following were destroyed in the accident -at Pompeii; but at three o’clock in the afternoon of that fateful -day Brutus lay dead upon the field of honor and the beaten forces of -Horatius were in tumultuous retreat along the Claudian aqueduct. Then -Cleopatra came forth from her place of concealment, resolved to throw -herself at the feet of her conquering lover and intercede for the -doomed city. - - -_From “Court and Camp.”_ - -Through a tangled wild as dense as death the martial forced his way, -despite the wounds that the Russian forces had inflicted upon his aged -frame. Suddenly he departed from the undergrowth and found himself -in an open glade of inconsiderable dimensions, and before his vision -stood the widely known figure of Napoleon, with folded arms and in a -greatcoat falling to his heels. The king was apparently oblivious to -his environment, but instinctively “the bravest of the brave,” ever -considerate and genteel, drew back into cover, unwilling to interrupt -the royal revery. Apparently Napoleon was immersed in meditations. - -What these were we have not the temerity to conjecture. Waterloo had -been fought and lost!—the last die had been cast to the winds and -the dream of universal empire had gone down in gloom! Did he realize -that all was over? Was he conjuring up the future and forecasting the -judgment of posterity—the figure that he was destined to cut in the -historical novels of a later age? Did visions of St. Helena float -before his prophetic gaze? Alas, we know not! - -At the sound of a breaking twig beneath the martial’s foot the king -started from his revery and said in French: “Live the France!” Then, -deriving a slender stiletto from his regalia, he plunged it into the -left ventricle of his heart and fell dead before the martial, who was -greatly embarrassed, could summon medical assistance. - -Josephine was avenged! - - -_From “The Crusader.”_ - -It was midnight beneath the walls of the beleaguered city. Sir Guy de -Chassac de Carcassonne leaned heavily upon his great two-handed sword, -fatigued with slaughter. Hardly had he closed his eyes in slumber when -the seven Saracens chosen by Saladin for the perilous emprise stole -forth from the postern gate and stealthily surrounded him. Then at a -preconcerted signal they flashed their scimitars in air and rushed upon -their prey! - -But it was fated to be otherwise. At the first stroke of the Toledo -blades Sir Guy awoke. To pluck his long weapon from the soil was the -work of a comparatively short time; then with one mighty circular sweep -of the steel he clove them all asunder at the waist! - -Jerusalem was delivered and remains a Christian city to this day! - - -_From “Blood and Beer.”_ - -The booming of the cannon awakened Bismarck with a start. Vaulting -into the saddle with remarkable grace, he was soon in the thickest -of the fray, and many a foeman fell beneath his genius. Yet even in -the terrible din and confusion of battle his mental processes were -normal, and he thought only of the countess, while absently dealing -death about him. Suddenly he was roused from his revery by the impact -of a battle-axe upon his helmet, and turning his eyes in the direction -whence it seemed to have been delivered, he beheld the sneering visage -of De Grammont on a black steed. - -Here was an opportunity that might satisfy the most exacting—an -opportunity to rid his country of a traitor and himself of a rival; -to serve at once his ambition and his love. His noble nature forbade. -Waving his enemy aside, he thoughtfully withdrew from the field, -resolved to press his suit otherwise. - - -_From “The Iron Duchess.”_ - -As Wellington rode moodily away from the fatal field of Blenheim, -meditating upon the wreck of his ambition, he encountered the seer whom -he had met the day before. - -“Wretch!” he exclaimed, drawing his scimitar, “it is you that have done -this! But for your accursed predictions I should have won the battle -and the Swiss king would now be flying before my victorious legends. -Die, therefore!” - -So saying, he raised his armed hand to smite, but the blow did not -fall. Even while the blade was suspended in the air the seer’s long -black cloak fell away, the white hair and concealing beard were flung -aside, and the Iron Duke found himself gazing into the laughing eyes of -Madame de Maintenon! Speechless with astonishment, he thundered: “What -is the meaning of this?” - -“Ah, monsieur,” she replied, with that enchanting smile which had lured -Louis XIV to the guillotine, “it means that I amuse myself.” - - -_From “The Noddle of Navarre.”_ - -When Henry of Navarre saw the ruin he had wrought he elevated his -helmet from his marble brow and stepped three paces to the rear. The -priest advanced with flashing eyes and, lifting both hands to the -zenith, explained that vengeance was the Lord’s—He would repay! - -“It is better so,” assented the king—“I prefer it thus.” - -But even as he spake a shot from the moat pierced his brain and he -fell, to reign no more! - - -_From “Louis the Luckless.”_ - -Observing that his presence was not suspected, Richelieu remained with -his eye glued to the keyhole. It was well that he did so, for the -conspirators now laid off their masks, and among them he recognized -the king himself! Here was a situation that he believed unique; in all -his experience in court and camp there was no precedent A sovereign -conspiring for his own overthrow, his assassination! Richelieu was -deeply affected by so striking an instance of unselfishness. He reeled -and fell to the floor in an agony of admiration. - - -_From “The Road to Tusculum.”_ - -No sooner did Cicero perceive his legions retreating than he spurred -impetuously from the field, thundering that all was lost. Passing -swiftly across the Tiber by a secret bridge, he proceeded to the -Forum, and entering the senate unannounced, communicated the news of -the disaster. This was Pompey’s opportunity; he rose in his place and -extending his index finger in the direction of the defeated warrior -exclaimed in sarcastic accents: “Romans, behold your liberator from -the chains of the Volscians! Behold the orator-general to whom you -owe so much! Let him hereafter (if we have a hereafter) oppose to -his country’s armed invaders the power of his matchless tongue. The -sword is too heavy for a hand trained in the light calisthenics of -gesticulation!” Maddened by this artful arraignment, the senators rose -as one Roman and, headed by Marcus Aurelius, fell upon the unfortunate -commander, tearing him limb from limb! - - -_From “The Loves of Cromwell.”_ - -Night fell darkly over the city of Worcester. - -Cromwell had marched all day to reach it by seven roads, and at nine in -the evening besieged it with a hundred thousand men. - -A desperate struggle ensued, at the close of which Cromwell rose from -his knees victorious over the forces of his king. - -“Bring that son of Belial before me!” he roared, “that I may deal with -him according to his sins.” - -Charles, pale and trembling, with manacled hands and bowed head, was -led in. - -The lord protector eyed him haughtily, then addressing a brief prayer -to Heaven sprang forward and with one stroke of his blade severed the -royal head from the royal shoulders. - -Thus ended the War of the Roses, and England was again a republic. - - - - - OUR TALES OF SENTIMENT - - -_From “One Woman.”_ - -Gladys climbed to the balustrade of the bridge and, adjusting her -skirts, plunged into the gloomiest forebodings. - -“Why,” she said, “should the future look so dark to one possessing all -that fortune can donate?” - -She added a number of profound reflections on the vanity of life, -ending with a brilliant epigram. It had scarcely died upon her lips -when Armitage arrived upon the tapis and took in the situation at a -glance. Striding hastily forward, he bowed gracefully and signified -a desire to know the cause of her abstraction. She burst into tears -and complied with his wish. Then she flung herself about his neck and -accorded full expression to her grief, which he delicately professed -not to observe; for this noble figure had been educated in the best -schools of European gentility. - - -_From “But a Single Thought.”_ - -Seeing her proceeding away from him, perhaps forever, Auvergne -intercepted her with an expression of regret for his rudeness, coupled -with a plea for pardon. For a breathless instant she stayed her -progress as if uncertain as to the degree of his offense, then resumed -her pace till she reached the river’s brim. With an unconscious prayer -she sprang swooning into the breakers and was with difficulty prevented -from meeting a watery grave. - - -_From “A Belle of Castile.”_ - -Josephina had progressed but a brief distance into the garden when -some inner sense proclaimed that she was followed: the crunching of a -gentleman’s heel upon the gravel was indisputable. Partially terrified, -she sought concealment in the shrubbery that bordered the path on the -one side and the other. It passed by her there in the moonlight, that -dreadful sound, yet no one visible! It went on and on, growing fainter -and fainter, like herself, and was lost to hearing. Then she remembered -the tradition of the Invisible Knight and her heart smote her for the -absence of faith with which she had so often greeted it. - -“I am fitly punished,” she conceded, “for my sceptical attitude. -Henceforth, so far as the constitution of my mind will permit, I will -be more hospitable to the convictions of the simple.” - -How she adhered to this expiational resolution we shall behold. - - -_From “The Queen’s Chaperon.”_ - -The duke stepped from his carriage to a neighboring hill and cast -his eye athwart his ancestral domain. “All this,” he mused, “I must -renounce if I comply with the queen’s royal suggestion to fly with her -to Rome. Is she worth the privation? I must have time to consider a -transaction of such great importance.” - -Hastily entering his carriage, he haughtily bade the coachman drive him -to some expensive hotel, whence he dispatched a delicately perfumed -note to her Majesty, saying that he should be detained a few days by -affairs of state, but assuring her of his uncommon fidelity. Then he -retired to his couch and thought it all over in Italian. The next day -he arose and fled rapidly. - - -_From “The Uplifting of Lennox.”_ - -On hearing the terrible news Myra fell supine to earth without delay! - -“Is it nothing?” inquired Lennox. “Is it only a temporary -indisposition?—will it soon pass?” - -But Myra replied only with a significant pallor which told all too -plainly what the most accomplished linguist would vainly have striven -to express. - -How long she lay unconscious we know not, but promptly on becoming her -previous self she let fall a multitude of tears. - -Lennox yielded to the requirements of etiquette and stole away. - - -_From “Bertha of Bootha.”_ - -As they strolled along the Riviera the setting sun was just touching -the summit of the Alps and firing them with an electrical glow. Turning -to her, he looked into her beautiful eyes and thus expressed himself: - -“Dearest, I am about to make an important statement.” - -She almost instantly divined the character of the communication that he -referred to, and it affected her with perturbation. It was so sudden. -“If,” she remarked, “you could postpone the statement above mentioned -until a more suitable occasion I should regard your forbearance with -satisfaction.” - -“Very well,” he replied, with coldness, “I will wait until we are not -alone.” - -“Thank you, ever so much,” she blushed, and all was silence. Later in -the season he explained to her the trend of his affections, and she -signified the pleasure that she derived from his preference. - - -_From “Hertha of Hootha.”_ - -The moon rose in the east without a sound and the ripples on the bosom -of the main ran silently to the beach. Hertha and Henri, having similar -sensibilities, were equally overcome by the solemnity of the scene, -and neither inaugurated a conversation. Their love was too true for -utterance by human tongue. Thus they paced for a considerable period, -when suddenly the silence was cut asunder by a woman’s scream! - -“I know that voice,” cried Henri, hastily divesting himself of as many -of his upper garments as, under the circumstances, he deemed it proper -to do; “it is Minetta committing suicide!” - -He immediately plunged into the Atlantic, while Hertha stood rooted to -the sand, endeavoring to regulate her emotions. In a few moments, which -seemed an age, he emerged from the deep, bearing the deceased, whom he -tenderly flung at her rival’s feet. - -Then the survivors knelt and prayed in both English and French. - - -_From “Ethel Shanks.”_ - -Ethel hastened slowly along the path leading to the cliff above the -lake. The full moon was rising in the east, for the hour was midnight, -and her warm radiance bathed the landscape in a blue languor. - -To Ethel the sky had never seemed so blue, nor the Polyanthes tuberosa -in her corsage so white. She drank joy with her every breath, and -she breathed quickly from her exertion in climbing the eminence on -which she stood. Hearing footprints approaching, she turned, and the -baron stood before her! “I was hasty,” he explained. “I should not -have disclosed my love with such abruption. Permit me to withdraw my -inconsiderate declaration.” - -Ethel’s heart sank within her! She could not refuse him the desired -permission; that would not have been genteel: and Ethel was under all -circumstances the lady. So she beat back the tears and said: - -“Please, sir, dismiss it from attention.” - -The cry of her broken heart was unheard by that callous ear, -unaccustomed to the sad, sweet chords evoked from the harp of a dead -hope. The nobleman lit his pipe and, his cruel errand performed, -returned to his ancestral mansion. For one or two moments Ethel stood -on the brink of eternity. Precipitating herself from the extreme edge, -she awaited death with composure; she had done her full duty and had no -fear of the Hereafter.... At the base of the precipice she came into -violent contact with a large granite boulder and was no more. - -They found her body at the feet of the cliff, and the baron was torn by -conflicting emotions, for the head lay at some distance from the trunk, -a truly melancholy spectacle. - -“Can it be possible,” he remarked, “that she is no more?” - -Assured by the physician that such was the fact, he signified a high -degree of regret and strode from the spot unattended; and to this day -his fate is cloaked in the impenetrable waters of oblivion. - - -_From “A Demising Love.”_ - -James endeavored ineffectually to ascertain the trend of her -affections: her expression remained a blank. He erroneously attributed -his failure to poor skill in physiognomy and inwardly bewailed his -youthful neglect of the advantages of education. While so engaged he -fancied he detected in her look something significant of an interest in -his personality. Could he be mistaken? No, there it was again! - -Arising from his sedentary attitude to the full stature of his young -manhood, he crossed the intervening Persian rug and possessed himself -of her hand. - -“Mabel,” he inquired, “do you not experience the promptings of a -dawning tenderness for one to whom you are much?” - -Receiving no negative answer he kissed her simultaneously on both -cheeks, and, falling rapidly upon one knee, poured out his soul -in beautiful language, mostly devoted to commendation of her fine -character and disposition. - -Mabel did not at once respond. She was deceased. - - -_From “March Hares.”_ - -Mrs. Rorqual deposited her embroidery on the sofa by her side and, -slightly changing color, said, “No, my ideals are not unchangeable; -they have undergone memorable alteration within the last hour.” - -“Let us hope,” said D’Anchovi, uncrossing his hands, and putting one -forefinger into a buttonhole of his coat, “that they are still high.” - -She resumed her embroidery and, looking at a painting of the martyrdom -of St. Denis over the mantel, replied, “Would it matter?” - -“Surely,” said he, lightly beating the carpet with the heel of his -well-fitting shoe; “for ideals are more than thoughts. I sometimes -think they are things—that _we_ are _their_ thoughts.” - -She did not immediately reply. A curtain at an open window moved -audibly. A sunbeam crept through the lattice of the piazza outside and -fell upon the window-ledge. The fly previously mentioned now walked -indolently along the top of the Japanese screen, then fearlessly -descended the face of it to within an inch of the mouth of a painted -frog. D’Anchovi, with a lifting of his eyebrows, maintained a -determined silence. - -“I should think that an uncomfortable creed,” Mrs. Rorqual said at -last, withdrawing the tip of her shoe, which had been visible beneath -the edge of her gown, and shifting her gaze from St. Denis to one of -the crystal ornaments of the candelabrum pendent from the ceiling. - -He passed the fingers of his right hand through his hair, slightly -shifted his position on his chair and said: “Mrs. Rorqual, I have to -thank you for a most agreeable hour. Shall I see you on the golf-links -to-morrow?” - -So they parted, but when he was gone she toyed thoughtfully with -a spray of heliotrope growing in a jardinière and then ran her -forefinger along a part of the pattern of the wallpaper. - - -_From “A Study in Dissection.”_ - -Captain Gerard introspected. He spread his heart, as it were, upon the -dissecting-table of conscience and examined it from several points of -view. It is a familiar act—we call it analysis of motive. When he had -concluded he knew why he had accepted the invitation of the countess -to dinner. He knew why he had insulted the count. Equally obvious were -his reasons for mentioning to Iphigeneia the holy bonds of matrimony. -In all his conduct since his last introspection but one act baffled -him: why, alas, had he spoken to Iphigeneia of the bar-semester in his -crest? - -As he pondered this inexplicable problem a footfall fell upon his ear -and he shuddered as if the hand of death had stepped in. - -It was the countess! - - -_From “Her Diplodocus.”_ - -“Sir!” Miss Athylton drew herself up to her full height and looked her -interlocutor squarely in the visage. For an instant he returned her -scrutiny; then his eyes fell to the earth, stammering apologies. With a -sweeping curtsey she passed out of the room, hand over hand. - - -_From “L’Affaire Smith.”_ - -As they sat there wrapping their arms about each other, she advanced -the belief that they had loved in a former state of existence. - -“But not as now, Irene, surely not as now.” - -She was well content to let him feel so about it, and did not seek -to alter the character of his emotion. To have done so would have -cut her to the heart. On the contrary, a little bird perched in the -passion-vine above them and sang several thrilling passages. - - -_From “Clarisse.”_ - -He gazed into her beautiful eyes for a considerable period, during -which he did not converse; then he said, with an effort to be -sociable: “It has been represented to me that you are a lady of great -wealth. May I inquire if I have been rightly informed?” - -Blushing energetically at the compliment, she replied in silence, and -for a few minutes there was an embarrassing hiatus in the exchange of -thought and feeling. - -Fearing that he had offended her, the duke arose, and striding to the -grand piano began to improvise diligently. At that moment there came in -through the open window a sound of wheels on the gravel outside. - -He ceased in the middle of a nocturne and would have left the room, but -she restrained him: - -“It is only my father returning from India,” smiled she; “I shall be so -glad to introduce you.” - -The full horror of the situation burst upon him like a thunderbolt out -of a clean sky. - -“Madam,” he thundered, “your father is dead! He died of the plague in -Bombay, and I attended the funeral, although he had cursed me with his -last breath. I cannot—cannot meet him!” - -With those words falling from his white lips he flung himself out of -the room. A servant entered and handed Clarisse the visiting card of -Mrs. Delahanty. - - -_From “Mary Ann & Co.”_ - -As they neared each other on the narrow bridge Paul observed that she -was profoundly agitated. - -“Darling,” he said, “please to signify the cause of your perturbation. -It is not impossible that I may be able to remove it. You know,” he -added, “that I have studied medicine.” - -She blushed deeply, then turned pale and continued to tremble. He -seized her hand and laid two fingers upon her wrist. - -“The pulse,” he said, “is abnormally frequent and irregular.” - -With a barely audible expression of disapproval, she withdrew her -hand and endeavored to pass him on the narrow footway of the bridge. -A misstep precipitated her into the stream, from which with no small -difficulty she was taken in a dying condition, a half-mile below. The -person that drew her forth from the waters was Paul’s aged uncle. - -“Tell Paul Dessard,” she said with her last breath, “that I love him, -die for him! Tell him how I strove successfully to hide my love from -him lest he think me unmaidenly; but it cannot matter now if he know -it. Tell him all, I pray you tell him all, and add that in that Better -Land whither I go my spirit will await him with impatience, prepared to -explain all.” - -The good old man bent over her, placed his open hand behind his ear and -ejaculated: - -“Hay?” - -She shook her head with an infinite pathos and suspired. - - -_From “Ideals.”_ - -Where the grand old Hudson river rolls its floods seaward between the -rugged Palisades and the agricultural country of its eastern bank -Janey Sewell dwelt in a little vine-covered cottage in one of the most -picturesque spots of the latter. - -Janey was beautiful all day long. Her hair was as dark as the pinion of -a crow, and her brown eyes rivaled in lustre the sheen of the sunlight -on the bosom of the river. She was also a fine French scholar. - -Janey’s parents had dwelt in Yonkers from time immemorial, and sweet -to her was her native environment, whence no proffers of a marriage -into the aristocracy or nobility of England could entice her. Many -coroneted hearts had been flung at her feet—many were the impassionate -pleas that ducal lips had poured into her ear; she remained fancy -free, determined to bestow her affection upon some worthy member of an -American labor union or die a maid. We shall see with what indomitable -tenacity she adhered through disheartening trials to that commendable -policy. - - -_From “Oopsie Mercer.”_ - -For a long time—it seemed an eternity—they sat there hand in hand, -in the gloaming. The sheep-bells tinkled faintly in the glen, and -from an adjacent thicket the whip-poor-will sang rapturously. The -katydid grated out her mysterious accusation from the branch of an oak -overhead; the cricket droned among the glow-worms underfoot. All these -vocal efforts were conspicuously futile; in their newly found happiness -the lovers heeded nothing but each other. O love! - -Suddenly, on the dew-starred sward, a loud oath rang out behind them. -Harold rose promptly to his own feet, the lady remaining in session on -the log, her hands demurely folded in her lap. The report of a firearm -illuminated the gloom, and ere Harold could intercept the deadly -missile it had pierced Miss Mercer’s heart! She fell forward and died -without medical assistance. - -Harold mounted the log and obtained a fairly good view of the -aggressor; it was James Wroth, and he was engaged in taking a second -aim. With the lightning-like intuition of a brave man in an emergency -Harold inferred that he was the intended victim. - -“Fiend!” sprang he, and a death struggle was inaugurated without delay. - -Let us go back to the time when we left James Wroth nourishing the -fires of an intellectual tempest implanted by Miss Mercer’s rejection -of his suit, and embarking for Europe in another tongue. - - -_From “Lance and Lute.”_ - -The faint booming of the distant cannon grew more and more deafening; -the thunder of the charging cavalry reverberated o’er the field of -battle: the enemies were evidently making a stand. - -Plympton arrived at the scene of action just as the commanding general -ordered an advance along the entire front. Spurring his steed to the -centre of the line he rang out his voice in accents of defiance and was -promoted for gallantry. - -Bertram who was an eye-witness, immediately withdrew his objection to -the marriage. This took place shortly afterward and was attended with -the happiest results. - - -_From “Sundry Hearts.”_ - -When presented to the object of his devotion the earl could not -suppress his sentiments. The Lady Gwendolin saw them as plainly as if -they had been branded upon his brow. Her agitation was comparable to -his. All the pent-up emotion of her deep, womanly nature surged to her -countenance and paralyzed her so that she was unable to offer her hand. -She consequently contented herself with a graceful inclination of the -head. The Earl was excessively disappointed. Turning upon his heel he -bowed and walked away. - -Gwendolin retired to the conservatory and uttered a deep-drawn sigh, -then, returning to the ballroom, flung herself into the waltz with an -assumed ecstasy that elicited wide comment. - - -_From “La Belle Damn.”_ - -Under the harvest moon, now at its best, the corpse of Ronald showed -ghastly white, the frost sparkling in its beard and hair. Clementine’s -consciousness of its impulchritude was without a flaw. Had she ever -really experienced an uncommon, an exceptional, tenderness for an -object boasting so little charm? She was hardly able to take that view -of the matter. All seemed unreal, indistinct and charged with dubiety. -A sudden rustling in the circumjacent vegetation startled her from her -dream, suggesting considerations of personal safety. Surveying the body -for the last time, she impelled the stiletto into a contiguous tarn and -left the scene with measured tread. - - -_From “The Recrudescence of Squollander.”_ - -“Clifford,” said Isabel, earnestly yet softly, “are you sure that you -truly love me?” - -Clifford presented such testimony and evidence as he could command, and -requested her decision on the sufficiency of what he had advanced. - -“Oh, Clifford,” she said, laying her two little hands in one of -his comparatively large ones, “you have extirpated my ultimate -uncertainty.” - - - - -THE GREAT STRIKE OF 1895 - - -NEW YORK, July 2, 1895.—The strike of the American Authors’ Guild -continues to hold public attention. No event in the history of -trades-unionism since the great railroad strike of last year has -equaled it in interest. Nothing else is talked of here. In some parts -of the city all business is suspended and the excitement grows more -intense hourly. - -At about 10 o’clock this morning a non-union author attempting to enter -the premises of D. Appleton & Co. with a roll of manuscript was set -upon by a mob of strikers and beaten into insensibility. The strikers -were driven from their victim by the police, but only after a fight in -which both sides suffered severely. - - —————— - -NEW YORK, July 3.—Rioting was renewed last night in front of the -boycotted publishing house of Charles Scribner’s Sons, 153–157 Fifth -avenue. Though frequently driven back by charges of the police, who -used their clubs freely, the striking authors succeeded in demolishing -all the front windows by stone-throwing. One shot was fired into the -interior, narrowly missing a young lady typewriter. Mr. William D. -Howells, a member of the Guild’s board of managers, declares that he -has irrefragable proof that this outrage was committed by some one -connected with the Publishers’ Protective League for the purpose of -creating public sympathy. - -It has been learned that the non-union author so severely beaten -yesterday died of his injuries last night. His name is said to have -been Richard Henry (or Hengist) Stoddard, formerly a member of the -Guild, but expelled for denouncing the action of President Brander -Matthews in ordering the strike. - -LATER.—Matters look more and more threatening. A crowd of ten thousand -authors, headed by Col. Thomas Wentworth Higginson, is reported to be -marching upon the Astor Library, which is strongly guarded by police, -heavily armed. Many book-stores have been wrecked and their contents -destroyed. - -Mrs. Julia Ward Howe, who was shot last night while setting fire to the -establishment of Harper & Bros., cannot recover. She is delirious, and -lies on her cot in the Bellevue Hospital singing “The Battle Hymn of -the Republic.” - - —————— - -BOSTON, July 3.—Industrial discontent has broken out here. The members -of the local branch of the American Authors’ Guild threw down their -pens this morning and declared that until satisfactory settlement of -novelists’ percentages should be arrived at not a hero and heroine -should live happily ever afterward in Boston. The publishing house of -Houghton, Mifflin & Co. is guarded by a detachment of Pinkerton men -armed with Winchester rifles and a Gatling gun. The publishers say that -they are getting all the manuscripts that they are able to reject, and -profess to have no apprehension as to the future. Mr. Joaquin Miller, -a non-union poet from Nevada, visiting some Indian relatives here, -was terribly beaten by a mob of strikers to-day. Mr. Miller was the -aggressor; he was calling them “sea-doves”—by which he is said to have -meant “gulls.” - - —————— - -CHICAGO, July 3.—The authors’ strike is assuming alarming dimensions -and is almost beyond control by the police. The Mayor is strongly -urged to ask for assistance from the militia, but the strikers -profess to have no fear of his doing so. They say that he was once an -author himself, and is in sympathy with them. He wrote “The Beautiful -Snow.” In the mean time a mob of strikers numbering not fewer than -one thousand men, women and children, headed by such determined -labor leaders as Percival Pollard and Hamlin Garland, are parading -the streets and defying the authorities. A striker named Opie Reed, -arrested yesterday for complicity in the assassination of Mr. Stone, of -the publishing firm of Stone & Kimball, was released by this mob from -the officers that had him in custody. Mr. Pollard publishes a letter -in the _Herald_ this morning saying that Mr. Stone was assassinated -by an emissary of the Publishers’ Protective League to create public -sympathy, and strongly hints that the assassin is the head of the house -of McClurg & Co. - - —————— - -NEW YORK, July 4.—All arrangements for celebrating the birthday of -American independence are “off.” The city is fearfully excited, and -scenes of violence occur hourly. Macmillan & Co.’s establishment was -burned last night, and four lives were lost in the flames. The loss -of property is variously estimated. All the publishing houses are -guarded by the militia, and it is said that Government troops will -land this afternoon to protect the United States mails carrying the -manuscripts of strike-breaking authors, in transit to publishers. -The destruction of the Astor Library and the Cooper Union and the -closing of all the book-stores that escaped demolition in yesterday’s -rioting have caused sharp public distress. No similar book-famine has -ever been known in this city. Novel-readers particularly, their needs -being so imperative, are suffering severely, and unless relieved soon -will leave the metropolis. While beating a noisy person named E. W. -Townsend last night, one Richard Harding Davis had the misfortune to -break two of his fingers. He said Townsend was a strike-breaker and had -given information to the police, but it turns out that he is a zealous -striker, and was haranguing the mob at the time of the assault. His -audience of rioting authors, all of whom belonged to the War Story -branch of the Guild, mistook Mr. Davis for an officer of the peace and -ran away. Mr. Townsend, who cannot recover and apparently does not wish -to, is said to be the author of a popular book called _The Chimney -Fadder_. Advices from Boston relate the death of a Pinkerton spy named -T. B. Aldrich, who attempted to run the gauntlet of union pickets and -enter the premises of The Arena Publishing Company, escorting Walter -Blackburn Harte. Mr. Harte was rescued by the police and sailed at once -for England. - - —————— - -PHILADELPHIA, July 5.—A mob of striking authors attacked the publishing -house of J. B. Lippincott & Co. this morning and were fired on by the -militia. Twenty are known to have been killed outright—the largest -number of writers ever immortalized at one time. - - —————— - -NEW YORK, July 5.—In an interview yesterday Mrs. Louise Chandler -Moulton, treasurer of the Guild, said that notwithstanding the heavy -expense of maintaining needy strikers with dependent families, there -would be no lack of funds to carry on the fight. Contributions are -received daily from sympathetic trades. Sixty dollars have been sent in -by the Confederated Undertakers and forty-five by the Association of -Opium-Workers. President Brander Matthews has telegraphed to all the -Guild’s branches in other cities that they can beat the game if they -will stand pat. - - —————— - -NEW YORK, July 6.—Sympathy strikes are the order of the day, and -“risings” are reported everywhere. In this city the entire East Side is -up and out. Shantytown, Ballyspalpeen, Goatville and Niggernest are in -line. Among those killed in yesterday’s conflict with the United States -troops at Madison-square was Mark Twain, who fell while cheering on a -large force of women of the town. He was shot all to rags, so as to be -hardly distinguishable from a human being. - - —————— - -CHICAGO, July 7.—John Vance Cheney was arrested at 3 o’clock this -morning while placing a dynamite bomb on the Clark-street bridge. He is -believed to have entertained the design, also, of setting the river on -fire. Two publishers were shot this morning by General Lew Wallace, who -escaped in the confusion of the incident. The victims were employed as -accountants in the Methodist Book Concern. - - —————— - -NEW YORK, July 8.—The authors’ strike has collapsed, and the strikers -are seeking employment as waiters in the places made vacant by the -lockout of the Restaurant Trust. The Publishers’ Protective League -declares that no author concerned in the strike will ever again see -his name upon a title-page. The American Authors’ Guild is a thing of -the past. Arrests are being made every hour. As soon as he can procure -bail, President Brander Matthews will go upon the vaudeville stage. - - 1894. - - - - - A THUMB-NAIL SKETCH - - -Many years ago I lived in Oakland, California. One day as I lounged in -my lodging there was a gentle, hesitating rap at the door and, opening -it, I found a young man, the youngest young man, it seemed to me, that -I had ever confronted. His appearance, his attitude, his manner, his -entire personality suggested extreme diffidence. I did not ask him in, -instate him in my better chair (I had two) and inquire how we could -serve each other. If my memory is not at fault I merely said: “Well,” -and awaited the result. - -“I am from the San Francisco _Examiner_,” he explained in a voice like -the fragrance of violets made audible, and backed a little away. - -“O,” I said, “you come from Mr. Hearst.” - -Then that unearthly child lifted its blue eyes and cooed: “I am Mr. -Hearst.” - -His father had given him a daily newspaper and he had come to hire -me to write for it. Twenty years of what his newspapers call “wage -slavery” ensued, and although I had many a fight with his editors -for my right to my self-respect, I cannot say that I ever found Mr. -Hearst’s chain a very heavy burden, though indubitably I suffered -somewhat in social repute for wearing it. - -If ever two men were born to be enemies he and I are they. Each stands -for everything that is most disagreeable to the other, yet we never -clashed. I never had the honor of his friendship and confidence, never -was “employed about his person,” and seldom entered the editorial -offices of his newspapers. He did not once direct nor request me to -write an opinion that I did not hold, and only two or three times -suggested that I refrain for a season from expressing opinions that -I did hold, when they were antagonistic to the policy of the paper, -as they commonly were. During several weeks of a great labor strike -in California, when mobs of ruffians stopped all railway trains, -held the state capital and burned, plundered and murdered at will, -he “laid me off,” continuing, of course, my salary; and some years -later, when striking employees of street railways were devastating St. -Louis, pursuing women through the street and stripping them naked, he -suggested that I “let up on that labor crowd.” No other instances of -“capitalistic arrogance” occur to memory. I do not know that any of -his other writers enjoyed a similar liberty, or would have enjoyed it -if they had had it. Most of them, indeed, seemed to think it honorable -to write anything that they were expected to. - -As to Mr. Hearst’s own public writings, I fancy there are none: he -could not write an advertisement for a lost dog. The articles that he -signs and the speeches that he makes—well, if a man of brains is one -who knows how to use the brains of others this amusing demagogue is -nobody’s dunce. - -If asked to justify my long service to journals with whose policies I -was not in agreement and whose character I loathed I should confess -that possibly the easy nature of the service had something to do with -it. As to the point of honor (as that is understood in the profession) -the editors and managers always assured me that there was commercial -profit in employing my rebellious pen; and I—O well, I persuaded myself -that I could do most good by addressing those who had greatest need of -me—the millions of readers to whom Mr. Hearst was a misleading light. -Perhaps this was an erroneous view of the matter; anyhow I am not -sorry that, discovering no preservative allowable under the pure food -law that would enable him to keep his word overnight, I withdrew, -and can now, without impropriety, speak my mind of him as freely as -his generosity, sagacity or indifference once enabled me to do of his -political and industrial doctrines, in his own papers. - -In illustration of some of the better features of this man’s strange -and complex character let this incident suffice. Soon after the -assassination of Governor Goebel of Kentucky—which seemed to me a -particularly perilous “precedent” if unpunished—I wrote for one of Mr. -Hearst’s New York newspapers the following prophetic lines: - - The bullet that pierced Goebel’s breast - Can not be found in all the West. - Good reason: it is speeding here - To stretch McKinley on the bier. - -The lines took no attention, naturally, but twenty months afterward the -President was shot by Czolgosz. Every one remembers what happened then -to Mr. Hearst and his newspapers. His political enemies and business -competitors were alert to their opportunity. The verses, variously -garbled but mostly made into an editorial, or a news dispatch with a -Washington date-line but usually no date, were published all over the -country as evidence of Mr. Hearst’s complicity in the crime. As such -they adorned the editorial columns of the New York _Sun_ and blazed -upon a bill-board in front of Tammany Hall. So fierce was the popular -flame to which they were the main fuel that thousands of copies of the -Hearst papers were torn from the hands of newsboys and burned in the -streets. Much of their advertising was withdrawn from them. Emissaries -of the _Sun_ overran the entire country persuading clubs, libraries and -other patriotic bodies to exclude them from the files. There was even -an attempt made to induce Czolgosz to testify that he had been incited -to his crime by reading them—ten thousand dollars for his family to be -his reward; but this cheerful scheme was blocked by the trial judge, -who had been informed of it. During all this carnival of sin I lay ill -in Washington, unaware of it; and my name, although appended to all -that I wrote, including the verses, was not, I am told, once mentioned. -As to Mr. Hearst, I dare say he first saw the lines when all this -hullabaloo directed his attention to them. - -With the occurrences here related the incident was not exhausted. When -Mr. Hearst was making his grotesque canvass for the Governorship of -New York the Roosevelt Administration sent Secretary Root into the -state to beat him. This high-minded gentleman incorporated one of the -garbled prose versions of my prophecy into his speeches with notable -effect and great satisfaction to his conscience. Still, I am steadfast -in the conviction that God sees him; and if any one thinks that Mr. -Root will not go to the devil it must be the devil himself, in whom, -doubtless, the wish is father to the thought. - -Hearst’s newspapers had always been so unjust that no injustice could -be done to them, and had been incredibly rancorous toward McKinley, but -no doubt it was my luckless prophecy that cost him tens of thousands of -dollars and a growing political prestige. For anything that I know (or -care) they may have cost him his election. I have never mentioned the -matter to him, nor—and this is what I have been coming to—has he ever -mentioned it to me. I fancy there must be a human side to a man like -that, even if he is a mischievous demagogue. - -In matters of “industrial discontent” it has always been a standing -order in the editorial offices of the Hearst newspapers to “take the -side of the strikers” without inquiry or delay. Until the great -publicist was bitten by political ambition and began to figure as a -crazy candidate for office not a word of warning or rebuke to murderous -mobs ever appeared in any column of his papers, except my own. A -typical instance of the falsification of news to serve a foul purpose -may be cited here. In Pennsylvania, a ferocious mob of foreign miners -armed with bludgeons marched upon the property of their employers, -to destroy it, incidentally chasing out of their houses all the -English-speaking residents along the way and clubbing all that they -could catch. Arriving at the “works,” they were confronted by a squad -of deputy marshals, and while engaged in murdering the sheriff, who -had stepped forward to read the riot act, were fired on and a couple -of dozen of them killed. Naturally, the deputy marshals were put on -trial for their lives. Mr. Hearst sent my good friend Julius Chambers -to report the court proceedings. Day after day he reported at great -length the testimony (translated) of the saints and angels who had -suffered the mischance “while peacefully parading on a public road.” -Then Mr. Chambers was ordered away and not a word of testimony for the -defence (all in English), ever appeared in the paper. Instances of -such fair-mindedness as this could be multiplied by the thousand, but -all, I charitably trust, have been recorded Elsewhere in a more notable -Book than mine. - -Never just, Mr. Hearst is always generous. He is not swift to redress -a grievance of one of his employees against another, but he is likely -to give the complainant a cottage, a steam launch, or a roll of bank -notes, if that person happens to be the kind of man to accept it, -and he commonly is. As to discharging anybody for inefficiency or -dishonesty—no, indeed, not so long as there is a higher place for him. -His notion of removal is promotion. - -He once really did dismiss a managing editor, but in a few months the -fellow was back in his old place. I ventured to express surprise. “Oh, -that’s all right,” Mr. Hearst explained. “I have a new understanding -with him. He is to steal only small sums hereafter; the large ones are -to come to me.” - -In that incident we observe two dominant features in his character—his -indifference to money and his marvelous sense of humor. He who should -apprehend danger to public property from Mr. Hearst’s elevation to high -office would err. The money to which he is indifferent includes that -of others, and he smiles at his own expense. - -If there is a capable working newspaper man in this country who has -not, _malgre lui_, a kindly feeling for Mr. Hearst, he needs the -light. I do not know how it is elsewhere, but in San Francisco and -New York Mr. Hearst’s habit of having the cleverest (not, alas the -most conscientious) obtainable men, no matter what he had to pay -them, advanced the salaries of all such men more than fifty per cent. -Possibly these have receded, and possibly the high average ability of -his men has receded too—I don’t know; but indubitably he did get the -brightest men. - -Some of them, I grieve to say, were imperfectly appreciative of their -employer’s gentle sway. At one time on the _Examiner_ it was customary, -when a reporter had a disagreeable assignment, for him to go away for -a few days, then return and plead intoxication. That excused him. They -used to tell of one clever fellow in whose behalf this plea was entered -while he was still absent from duty. An hour afterward Mr. Hearst met -him and, seeing that he was cold sober, reproved him for deceit. On -the scamp’s assurance that he had honestly intended to be drunk, but -lacked the price, Mr. Hearst gave him enough money to re-establish his -character for veracity and passed on. - -I fancy things have changed a bit now, and that Mr. Hearst has changed -with them. He is older and graver, is no longer immune to ambition, -and may have discovered that good-fellowship with his subordinates -and gratification of his lone humor are not profitable in business -and politics. Doubtless too, he has learned from observation of his -entourage of sycophants and self-seekers that generosity and gratitude -are virtues that have not a speaking acquaintance. It is worth -something to learn that, and it costs something. - -With many amiable and alluring qualities, among which is, or used to -be, a personal modesty amounting to bashfulness, the man has not a -friend in the world. Nor does he merit one, for, either congenitally -or by induced perversity, he is inaccessible to the conception of an -unselfish attachment or a disinterested motive. Silent and smiling, -he moves among men, the loneliest man. Nobody but God loves him and -he knows it; and God’s love he values only in so far as he fancies -that it may promote his amusing ambition to darken the door of the -White House. As to that, I think that he would be about the kind of -President that the country—daft with democracy and sick with sin—is -beginning to deserve. - - - - - MORTALITY IN THE FOOT-HILLS[*] - - -A little bit of romance has just transpired to relieve the monotony of -our metropolitan life. Old Sam Choggins, whom the editor of this paper -has so often publicly thrashed, has returned from Mud Springs with a -young wife. He is said to be very fond of her, and the way he came to -get her was this: - -Some time ago we courted her, but finding she was “on the make” we -threw off on her after shooting her brother. She vowed revenge and -promised to marry any man who would horse-whip us. This Sam agreed to -undertake, and she married him on that promise. - -We shall call on Sam to-morrow with our new shotgun and present our -congratulations in the usual form.—_Hangtown “Gibbet.”_ - - • • • • • - -The purposeless old party with a boiled shirt who has for some days -been loafing about the town peddling hymn-books at a merely nominal -price (a clear proof that he stole them) has been disposed of in a -cheap and satisfactory manner. His lode petered out about six o’clock -yesterday afternoon, our evening edition being delayed until that time -by request. The cause of his death, as nearly as could be ascertained -by a single physician—Dr. Duffer being too drunk to attend—was Whisky -Sam, who, it will be remembered, delivered a lecture some weeks ago, -entitled “Dan’l in the Lions’ Den; and How They’d a-Et Him If He’d Ever -Been Thar”—in which he overthrew revealed religion. - -His course yesterday proves that he can act, as well as talk.—_Devil -Gully “Expositor.”_ - - • • • • • - -There was considerable excitement in the street yesterday, owing to -the arrival of Bust-Head Dave, formerly of this place, who came over -from Pudding Springs. He was met at the hotel by Sheriff Knogg, who -leaves a large family. Dave walked down to the bridge, and it reminded -one of old times to see the people go away as he heaved in view, for -he had made a threat (first published in this paper) to clean out the -town. Before leaving the place Dave called at our office to settle for -a year’s subscription (invariably in advance) and was informed through -a chink in the logs, that he might leave his dust in the tin cup at the -well. Dave is looking much larger than at his last visit, just previous -to the funeral of Judge Dawson. He left for Injun Hill at five o’clock -amidst a good deal of shooting at rather long range. There will be an -election for Sheriff as soon as a stranger can be found who will accept -the honor.—_Yankee Flat “Advertiser.”_ - - • • • • • - -It is to be hoped the people will turn out to-morrow, according to -advertisement in another column. The men deserve hanging, no end, but -at the same time they are human and entitled to some respect; and -we shall print the name of every adult male who does not grace the -occasion with his presence. We make this announcement simply because -there have been some indications of apathy; and any man who will stay -away when Bob Bolton and Sam Buxter are to be hanged is probably -either an accomplice or a relation. Old Blanket-Mouth Dick was not the -only blood relation these fellows had in this vicinity; and the fate -that befell him when they could not be found ought to be a warning to -the rest. - -The bar is just in rear of the gibbet and will be run by a brother of -ours. Gentlemen who shrink from publicity will patronize that bar.—_San -Louis Jones “Gazette.”_ - - • • • • • - -A painful accident occurred in Frog Gulch yesterday which has cast a -good deal of gloom over a hitherto joyous community. Dan Spigger—or, as -he was familiarly called, Murderer Dan—got drunk at his usual hour and, -as is his custom, took down his gun and started after the fellow who -went home with Dan’s girl the night before. He found him at breakfast -with his wife and children. After dispersing them he started out to -return, but, being weary, stumbled and broke his leg. Dr. Bill Croft -found him in that condition and, having no wagon at hand to convey -him to town, shot him to put him out of his misery. His loss is a -Democratic gain. He seldom disagreed with any but Democrats and would -have materially reduced the vote of that party had he not been so -untimely cut off.—_Jackass Gap “Bulletin.”_ - - • • • • • - -The dance-house at the corner of Moll Duncan street and Fish-Trap -avenue has been broken up. Our friend the editor of _The Jamboree_ -succeeded in getting his cock-eyed sister in there as a beer-slinger -and the hurdy-gurdy girls all swore they would not stand her society. -They got up and got. The light fantastic toe is not tripped there any -more, except when the _Jamboree_ man sneaks in and dances a jig for his -morning pizen.—_Murderburg “Herald.”_ - - • • • • • - -The superintendent of the Mag Davis mine requests us to state that the -custom of pitching Chinamen and Injins down the shaft will have to be -stopped, as he has resumed work in the mine. The old well back of Jo -Bowman’s is just as good, and more centrally located.—_New Jerusalem -“Courier.”_ - - • • • • • - -There is a fellow in town who claims to be the man that killed Sheriff -White some months ago. We consider him an impostor seeking admission -into society above his level, and hope people will stop inviting him -to their houses.—_Nigger Hill “Patriot.”_ - - • • • • • - -A stranger wearing a stovepipe hat arrived in town yesterday, putting -up at the Nugget House. The boys are having a good time with that hat -this morning. The funeral will take place at two o’clock.—_Spanish Camp -“Flag.”_ - - • • • • • - -The scoundrel who upset our office last month will be hung to-morrow -and no paper will be issued the next day.—“_Sierra Firecracker._” - - • • • • • - -The old gray-headed party who lost his life last Friday at the jeweled -hands of our wife deserves more than a passing notice at ours. He came -to this city last summer and started a weekly Methodist prayer-meeting, -but being warned by the police, who was formerly a Presbyterian, gave -up the swindle. He afterward undertook to introduce Bibles and, it is -said, on one occasion attempted to preach. This was a little too much -and at our suggestion he was tarred and feathered. - -For a time this treatment seemed to work a reform, but the heart of a -Methodist is above all things deceitful and desperately wicked: he was -soon after caught in the very act of presenting a hymnbook to old Ben -Spoffer’s youngest daughter, Ragged Moll. The vigilance committee _pro -tem._ waited on him, when he was decently shot and left for dead, as -was recorded in this paper, with an obituary notice for which we have -never received a cent. Last Friday, however, he was discovered sneaking -into the potato patch connected with this paper and our wife, God bless -her! got an axe and finished him then and there. - -His name was John Bucknor and it is reported (we do not know with how -much truth) that at one time there was an improper intimacy between him -and the lady who despatched him. If so, we pity Sal.—_Coyote “Trapper.”_ - - • • • • • - -Our readers may have noticed in yesterday’s issue an editorial article -in which we charged Judge Black with having murdered his father, -beaten his wife and stolen seven mules from Jo Gorman. The facts are -substantially as stated, but somewhat different. The killing was done -by a Dutchman named Moriarty and the bruises that we happened to see -on the face of the Judge’s wife were caused by a fall, she being, -doubtless, drunk at the time. The mules had only strayed into the -mountains and have returned all right. - -We consider the Judge’s anger at so trifling an error very ridiculous -and insulting and if he comes to town he will not come again. An -independent press is not to be muzzled by any absurd old duffer with -a crooked nose and a sister who is considerably more mother than -wife. Not so long as we have our usual success in thinning out the -judiciary.—_Lone Tree “Sockdologer.”_ - - • • • • • - -Yesterday as Job Wheeler was returning from a clean-up at the -Buttermilk Flume he stopped at Hell Tunnel to have a chat with the -boys. John Tooley took a fancy to Job’s watch and asked for it. Being -refused, he slipped away, and going to Job’s shanty, killed his three -half-breed children and a valuable pig. This is the third time John -has played some scurvy trick, and it is about time the superintendent -discharged him. There is entirely too much of this practical joking -amongst the boys. It will lead to trouble yet.—_Nugget Hill “Pickaxe of -Freedom.”_ - - • • • • • - -The stranger from Frisco, with the clawhammer coat, who put up at the -Gage House last Thursday, and was looking for a chance to invest, -was robbed of three hundred ounces of clean dust. We know who did it, -but don’t be frightened, John Lowry; we’ll never tell, though we are -awful hard up, owing to our subscribers going back on us.—_Choketown -“Rocker.”_ - - • • • • • - -The railroad from this city northwest will be commenced as soon as the -citizens get tired of admonishing the Chinamen brought up to do the -work, which will probably be within three or four weeks. The carcasses -are accumulating about town and begin to be unpleasant.—_Gravel Hill -“Thunderbolt.”_ - - • • • • • - -The man who was shot last week at the Gulch will be buried next -Thursday. He is not dead yet, but his physician wishes to visit a -mother-in-law at Lard Springs and is therefore very anxious to get the -case off his hands. The undertaker describes the patient as the longest -cuss in that section.—_Santa Peggy “Times.”_ - - • • • • • - -There is some dispute about land titles at Little Bilk Bar. About -half a dozen cases were temporarily decided on Wednesday, but it is -supposed the widows will renew the litigation. The only proper way to -prevent these vexatious lawsuits is to hang the judge of the county -court.—_Cow-County “Outcropper.”_ - - [*] Under another title, these paragraphs may be found in a foolish - book called _The Fiend’s Delight_, published in London in 1872 - by John Camden Hotten. They had appeared in the San Francisco - _Newsletter_ two or three years before—an illuminating contribution - to a current medical discussion of an uncommonly high death-rate - in certain mining towns. Their pedigree is given here by way of - assisting that original humorist, Mr. Charles B. Lewis, in any - further explanations that he may make as to how and when he was - inspired by Heaven to write his famous _Arizona Kicker_. - - - - - THE A. L. C. B. - - -A society of which I am the proud and happy founder is the American -League for the Circumvention of Bores. With a view to enlisting the -reader’s interest and favor and obtaining his initiation fee, I beg -leave to expound the ends and methods of the order. - -The League purposes to work within the law: Bores can be circumvented -by killing; which may be called the circumvention direct; but for -every Bore that is killed arises a swarm of Bores (reporters, lawyers, -jurors, etc.) whom one is unable to kill. The League plan is humane, -simple, ingenious and effective. It leaves the Bore alive, to suffer -the lasting torments of his own esteem. - -The American League for the Circumvention of Bores has the customary -machinery of grips, pass-words, signs, a goat, solemn ceremonials and -mystic hoodooing; but for practical use it employs only the Signal of -Eminent Distress, to preservation of the secret whereof members are -bound by the most horrible oath known to the annals of juration. It is -a law that any member duly convicted in the secret tribunals of the -League of failing promptly to respond to the Signal of Eminent Distress -shall suffer evisceration through the nose. - -The plan works this way: I am, say, on a ferry-boat. Carelessly -glancing about, I see—yes, it must have been—ah! again: the Signal of -Eminent Distress! A Brother of the League is _in articulo mortis_—the -demon hath him—the beak of the Bore is crimson in his heart! I go to -the rescue, choosing, according to my judgment and tact, one of the Ten -Thousand Forms of Benign Relief which I have memorized from the Ritual. - -“Ah, my dear fellow,” I perhaps say to the victim, whom I may never -have seen before, “I have been looking all over the boat for you. -I must have a word with you on a most important matter if your -friend”—looking at the baffled Bore who has been talking into him—“will -have the goodness to excuse you.” - -Possibly, though, I say to the signaling victim: “Sir, pardon me, but -is not your name—?” - -“Jonesmith,” he replies, coldly; “may I ask—?” - -“Ah, yes; I hope you will not think me intrusive, but a gentleman on -the lower deck, who says he is your uncle, has fallen and broken his -neck.” - -As Mr. Jonesmith with a grateful look moves off, the Bore, full of -solicitude, starts to follow for assistance and condolence. I lay my -hand on his arm. “Pardon, sir; the physician prescribes absolute quiet: -the splendor, charm and vivacity of your conversation would unduly -excite the patient.” - -Before the wretch can round-up his faculties the Brother in Distress -has escaped and I am walking away with the 368th Aspect of Superb -Unconcern, as laid down in the Ritual. - -The League has been in existence in New York city for about six months. -There is a younger branch at Hohokus, and another is forming at Podunk. -I am the Supreme Imperial Inimitable, though every member has high rank -and office. Applications for membership must be made personally to the -Grand Dictatorial Caboodle, which will judge whether the applicant is -himself a Bore. - - - - - TWO CONVERSATIONS - - - I - -CANDID PUBLISHER.—Sir, I am proud to meet you. Your book is admirable; -it is exquisitely touching and beautiful. - -REASONABLE AUTHOR.—Your commendation is most pleasing to me. I was at -no time in doubt of your favorable action in the matter. - -C. P.—You did not hear me out. Publication of a book entails a -considerable expense. - -R. A.—Naturally. - -C. P.—The money does not always come back. - -R. A.—I have been so informed. Publishers sometimes accept work that is -very bad literature. - -C. P.—Yes, we try to. - -R. A.—Try to? You cannot mean that you prefer such work. - -C. P.—We must publish what will sell. Do you read the most popular -books of the year—the “best-selling” novels?—nearly all “best sellers” -are novels. - -R. A.—God forbid! I sometimes look at them. - -C. P.—Do you ever find _one_ that has any literary merit? - -R. A.—Certainly not. I did not expect my book to be popular, but hoped -that it might have a steady and perhaps increasing sale and eventually -become famous. You sometimes publish new editions of the great works in -our language—“the English classics.” Do you lose money by them? - -C. P.—Not usually. They have had the advantage of generations of -advertising by scholars and by critics whose words had weight in their -time and have in ours. If your excellent book finds a publisher pretty -soon and is kept going until the year 2100, we shall be glad to put it -on our list. You see it is very simple: you have only to conform to the -conditions of success. - -R. A.—I see. But are these the only conditions? Some great work -succeeds in its author’s time—that of Tennyson, Thackeray, Dickens, -Carlyle, and so forth, in England; and in America that of—m, er, huh. - -C. P.—Is it surely great work? The ink is hardly dry. The literary -fashions determining its form and substance are still with us. -Posterity will have to pass judgment upon it, which posterity will -indubitably do without reference to our view of the matter. Then, if -you and I happen to be in communication with this vale of tears we -shall know if these noted authors were mining the great mother-lode of -human interest, or, occasionally touching some of its dips, spurs and -angles, taking out barren rock. It looks to us like a rich enough ore, -but it is a long journey to where there is an assaying-plant capable of -dealing with that particular product. When it is “heard from” we shall -not be here. Those who mined it are gone already. - -R. A.—Then there can be no valuable contemporary criticism? - -C. P.—None that any one can know to be valuable. - -R. A.—And no man can live long enough to know if he is a good writer? - -C. P.—The trade of writing has that disadvantage. - -R. A.—We are getting a long way from business. Am I to understand that -you reject my book because, as you say, “it is exquisitely touching and -beautiful”? - -C. P.—You outline the painful situation with accuracy. - -R. A.—Well, I’ll be damned! - -C. P.—Sure!—if you find a sentimentalist who will publish your book. He -will do the damning. - - - II - -EDITOR.—Glad to see you, sir. Take a chair. - -VISITOR.—I am the proprietor of _The Prosperous Monthly_. - -ED.—Take two chairs. - -VIS.—I called to congratulate you on the extraordinary success of _The -Waste Basket_. I should not have thought it possible for you to break -into our field and play this game as well as we. And with so fantastic -a title! - -ED.—For my success I am greatly indebted to yourself. - -VIS.—Not if I know it: we have fought you, tooth and nail. - -ED.—Oh, that is all right; if it had been expedient we should have -fought back. Our prosperity depended on yours. - -VIS.—Heaven has withheld from me the intelligence to understand. - -ED.—Have any of the contents of this magazine ever seemed familiar to -you? - -VIS.—I am not much of a reader; my editor has fancied that some of your -articles lacked originality, but has confessed that he could not quite -identify their authors. - -ED.—Just so; I accept nothing for my magazine that has not been first -submitted to yours. If it has not been when offered, I require that to -be done. - -VIS.—That is monstrous nice of you. Such knightly courtesy to a senior -competitor is most unusual. I thank you—come and dine with me to-morrow -at seven (_handing card_). - -ED.—With pleasure. Good day. - -VIS.—Good day. (_Exit Visitor._) - -ED. (_solus_).—If he thinks it out, I shall miss a dinner. - - - - - A STORY AT THE CLUB - - -“Do you believe that?” said Dr. Dutton, passing a newspaper across the -table to Will Brady and taking needless pains to point out “that” with -his thumb. Brady read the discredited paragraph. It was as follows: - - Mr. John Doane, of Peequeegan, Maine, has received seven hundred - and fifty thousand dollars from the estate of an old man whom he - protected from the abuse of a rowdy fifteen years ago, and whom - he never afterward saw nor heard from. In the will the old man - apologized for the smallness of the bequest, explaining that it was - all that he had. - -“Believe it?” said Brady; “I know it to be true. I was myself the—” - -He paused to think. - -“Now, how the devil,” said Dutton, “can you ring yourself into _that_ -story? You are not John Doane, and you certainly are not the late old -man.” - -“I was about to say,” resumed Brady, composedly, “that I was myself the -legatee in a somewhat similar case. In the year—” - -“Waiter,” said Dutton, “bring me twelve cigars, three bottles of -champagne and, at daylight, a cup of powerful coffee. When the fellows -come in from the theater ask them not to come into this room—say -there’s a man in here who is engaged in being murdered.” - -“In the year 1892,” Mr. Brady went on to say, “I was living in Peoria, -Illinois. One night while walking along the railroad track just outside -of town I saw a man making the most violent exertions to release -himself from the ‘frog’ of a switch, into which he had incautiously -wedged the heel of his shoe. He was steaming with perspiration and -the look of agony on his face was worth a long walk to see. You -have probably seen such a look on the countenance of many a patient -undergoing the operation of receiving your bill. The express train was -due in two minutes, and we had not so much as a match to signal it -with—the night was tar-dark.” - -“The look of agony, I suppose, shone by its own inherent light.” - -“The man was facing away from the approaching train—the thunder of -which was now audible between his groans and cries. Just in the nick -of time I stepped up to him and introducing myself begged pardon for -the intrusion and suggested that he unlace his shoe and remove his foot -from it, which he did. When the train had passed he thanked me and -handed me his card. I have carried it with me ever since—here it is.” - -Taking out a bit of pasteboard he handed it across the table without -looking at it. It read: - - DEARIE,—I could not come: I was watched. To-morrow—same time, at - the _other_ place. OOPSIE. - -The Doctor read the card and quietly handed it back. The story -proceeded: - -“A moment later the man had disappeared, but in a week or two I -received a letter from him, dated at Chicago. He said he owed his life -to me and should devote it to my service. Being childless, friendless -and heretofore without an aim or ambition, he should pass the rest of -his days in acquiring wealth, in order to testify his gratitude. It -would be a labor of love to trace me wherever I might wander—I need not -apprise him of my address, nor in any way bother myself about him. If I -survived him I would be a very rich man. - -“Well, sir, you may believe it or not, but if there is any name which -deserves to be held by me in high honor for truth and simple good -faith it is the name of—” - -“Oopsie.” - -Mr. Brady was visibly affected. For a moment he was fitly comparable to -nothing warmer and livelier than a snow bank under the bleak stars of a -polar midnight. The Doctor toyed absently with the ash-holder. It was a -supreme crisis. It passed. - -“That man died in 1901 and left me, by will, an estate valued at more -than nine hundred thousand dollars. The will was properly probated and -never contested.” - -“But, my dear fellow,” said Dutton, taking at last a genuine interest -in the narrative, “you never told us—nobody has ever heard of this, and -you certainly do not pass for a very rich man. Did you really get the -property?” - -“Alas, no,” said Brady, with a solemn shake of the head, as he rose -from the table and glanced at his watch. “It is true, just as I have -told you—on my honor: the man left me that property and all was square, -regular and legal, but I did not get a cent. The fact is, I died -first.” - - - - - THE WIZARD OF BUMBASSA - - -Mr. George Westinghouse, the air-brake man, did a cruel and needless -thing in going out of his way to try to destroy humanity’s hope of -being shot along the ground at a speed of one hundred miles an hour. -There is no trouble, it appears, in building locomotives able to -snatch a small village of us through space at the required speed; -the difficulty lies in making, with sufficient promptness, those -unschedulary stops necessitated by open switches, missing bridges, -and various obstacles that industrial discontent is wont to grace -the track withal. Even on a straight line—what the civil engineers -find a pleasure in calling a tangent—the prosperous industrian at -the throttle-valve cannot reasonably be expected to discern these -hindrances at a greater distance than one thousand feet; and Mr. -Westinghouse sadly confessed that in that distance his most effective -appliance could not do more than reduce the rate from one hundred miles -an hour to fifty—an obviously inadequate reduction. He held out no hope -of being able to evolve from his inner consciousness either a brake of -superior effectiveness or a pair of spectacles that would enable the -engine driver to discover a more distant danger on a tangent, or to see -round a curve. - -All this begets an intelligent dejection. If we must renounce our -golden dream of cannonading ourselves from place to place with a -celerity suitable to our rank in the world’s _fauna_—comprising the -shark, the hummingbird, the hornet and the jackass rabbit—civilization -is indeed a failure. But it is forbidden to the wicked pessimist to -rejoice, for there is a greater than Mr. Westinghouse and he has -demonstrated his ability to bring to a dead stop within its own length -any railway train, however short and whatever its rate of speed. It -were unwise though, to indulge too high a hope in this matter, even if -the gloomy vaticinations of the Westinghouse person are fallacious. -Approaching an evidence of social unrest at a speed of one and -two-thirds mile a minute on a down grade, even in a train equipped by -a greater than Mr. Westinghouse, may not be an altogether pleasing -performance. - -This possibility can be best illustrated by recalling to the reader’s -memory the history of the Ghargaroo and Gallywest Railway in Bumbassa. -As is well known, the trains on that road attained a speed that had not -theretofore been dreamed of except by the illustrious projector of the -road. But the King of Bumbassa was not content: with an indifference -to the laws of dynamics which in the retrospect seems almost imperial, -he insisted upon instantaneous stoppage. To the royal demand the -clever and prudent gentleman who had devised and carried out the -enterprise responded with an invention which he assured his Majesty -would accomplish the desired end. A trial was made in the sovereign’s -presence, the coaches being loaded with his chief officers of state -and other courtiers, and it was eminently successful. The train, going -at a speed of ninety miles an hour, was brought to a dead stop within -the length of the rhinoceros-catcher and directly in front of the blue -cotton umbrella beneath which his Majesty sat to observe the result of -the test. The passengers, unfortunately, did not stop so promptly, and -were afterward scraped off the woodwork at the forward ends of the cars -and decently interred. The train-hands had all escaped by the ingenious -plan of absenting themselves from the proceedings, with the exception -of the engineer, who had thoughtfully been selected for the occasion -from among the relatives of the projector’s wife, and instructed how -to shut off the steam and apply the brake. When hosed off the several -parts of the engine he was found to have incurred a serious dispersal -of the viscera. - -The King’s delight at the success of the experiment was somewhat -mitigated by the reflection that if the train had been freighted with -_bona fide_ travelers instead of dignitaries whom he could replace by -appointment the military resources of the state would have suffered a -considerable loss; so he commanded the projector to invent a method of -stopping the passengers and the trains simultaneously. This, after much -experiment, was done by fixing the passengers to the seats by clamps -extending across the abdomen and chest; but no provision being made for -the head, a general decapitation ensued at each stop; and people who -valued their heads preferred thereafter to travel afoot or ostrichback, -as before. It was found, moreover, that, as arrested motion is -converted into heat, the royal requirement frequently resulted in -igniting and consuming the trains—which was expensive. - -These various hard conditions of railroading in Bumbassa eventually -subdued the spirits of the stockholders, drove the projector to drink -and led at last to withdrawal of the concession—whereby one of the most -promising projects for civilizing the Dark Continent was, in the words -of the Ghargaroo _Palladium_ “knocked perfectly cold.” - -I have thought it well to recall this melancholy incident -here for its general usefulness in pointing a moral, and for -its particular application to the fascinating enterprise of a -one-hundred-miles-an-hour electric road from New York to Chicago—a road -whose trains, intending passengers are assured, will be under absolute -control of the engineers and “can be stopped at a moment’s notice.” -If I have said anything to discourage the enterprise I am sorry, but -really it is not easy to understand why anybody should wish to go from -New York to Chicago. - - - - - THE FUTURE HISTORIAN - - - I—THE DISPERSAL - -So sombre a phenomenon as the effacement of an ancient and brilliant -civilization within the lifetime of a single generation is, -fortunately, known to have occurred only once in the history of the -world. The catastrophe is not only unique in history, but all the more -notable for having befallen, not a single state overrun by powerful -barbarians, but a half of the world; and for having been effected by -a seemingly trivial agency that sprang from the civilization itself. -Indeed, it was the work of one man. - -Hiram Perry (or Percy) Maximus was born in the latter part of the -nineteenth century of “the Christian Era,” in Podunk, the capital of -America. Little is known of his ancestry, although Dumbleshaw affirms -on evidence not cited by him that he came of a family of pirates that -infested the waters of Lake Erie (now the desert of Gobol) as early as -“1813”—whenever that may have been. - -The precise nature of Hiram Perry’s invention, with its successive -improvements, is not known—probably could not now be understood. It -was called “the silent firearm”—so much we learn from fragmentary -chronicles of the period; also that it was of so small size that it -could be put into the “pocket.” (In his _Dictionary of Antiquities_ the -learned Pantin-Gwocx defines “pocket” as, first, “the main temple of -the American deity;” second, “a small receptacle worn on the person.” -The latter definition is the one, doubtless, that concerns us if -the two things are not the same.) Regarding the work of “the silent -firearm” we have light in abundance. Indeed, the entire history of the -brief but bloody period between its invention and the extinction of the -Christian civilization is an unbroken record of its fateful employment. - -Of course the immense armies of the time were at once supplied with -the new weapon, with results that none had foreseen. Soldiers were -thenceforth as formidable to their officers as to their enemies. It was -no longer possible to maintain discipline, for no officer dared offend, -by punishment or reprimand, one who could fatally retaliate as secretly -and securely, in the repose of camp as in the tumult of battle. In -civic affairs the deadly device was malignly active. Statesmen in -disfavor (and all were hateful to men of contrary politics) fell dead -in the forum by means invisible and inaudible. Anarchy, discarding her -noisy and imperfectly effective methods, gladly embraced the new and -safe one. - -In other walks of life matters were no better. Armed with the sinister -power of life and death, any evil-minded person (and most of the -ancient Caucasians appear to have been evil-minded) could gratify a -private revenge or wanton malevolence by slaying whom he would, and -nothing cried aloud the lamentable deed. - -So horrible was the mortality, so futile all preventive legislation, -that society was stricken with a universal panic. Cities were plundered -and abandoned; villages without villagers fell to decay; homes were -given up to bats and owls, and farms became jungles infested with wild -beasts. The people fled to the mountains, the forests, the marshes, -concealing themselves from one another in caves and thickets, and -dying from privation and exposure and diseases more dreadful than the -perils from which they had fled. When every human being distrusted and -feared every other human being solitude was esteemed the only good; and -solitude spells death. In one generation Americans and Europeans had -slunk back into the night of barbarism. - - - II—RISE AND FALL OF THE AEROPLANE - -The craze for flying appears to have culminated in the year 369 Before -Smith. In that year the aëroplane (a word of unknown derivation) was -almost the sole means of travel. These flying-machines were so simple -and cheap that one who had not a spare half-hour in which to make one -could afford to purchase. The price for a one-man machine was about -two dollars—one-tenth of a gooble. Double-seated ones were of course -a little more costly. No other kinds were allowed by law, for, as was -quaintly explained by a chronicle of the period, “a man has a right to -break his own neck, and that of his wife, but not those of his children -and friends.” It had been learned by experiment that for transportation -of goods and for use in war the aëroplane was without utility. (Of -balloons, dirigible and indirigible, we hear nothing after 348 B. -S; the price of gas, controlled by a single corporation, made them -impossible.) - -From extant fragments of Jobblecopper’s _History of Invention_ it -appears that in America alone there were at one time no fewer than ten -million aëroplanes in use. In and about the great cities the air was so -crowded with them and collisions resulting in falls were so frequent -that prudent persons neither ventured to use them nor dared to go out -of cover. As a poet of the time expressed it: - - With falling fools so thick the sky is filled - That wise men walk abroad but to be killed. - Small comfort that the fool, too, dies in falling, - For he’d have starved betimes in any calling. - The earth is spattered red with their remains: - Blood, flesh, bone, gristle—everything but brains. - -The reaction from this disagreeable state of affairs seems to have been -brought about by a combination of causes. - -First, the fierce animosities engendered by the perils to pedestrians -and “motorists”—a word of disputed meaning. So savage did this -hostility become that firing at aëroplanes in flight, with the newly -invented silent rifle, grew to the character of a national custom. -Dimshouck has found authority for the statement that in a single -day thirty-one aëronauts fell from the heavens into the streets of -Nebraska, the capital of Chocago, victims of popular disfavor; and a -writer of that time relates, not altogether lucidly, the finding in a -park in Ohio of the bodies of “the Wright brothers, each pierced with -bullets from hip to shoulder, the ears cut off, and without other marks -of identification.” - -Second in importance of these adverse conditions was the natural -disposition of the ancients to tire of whatever had engaged their -enthusiasm—the fickleness that had led to abandonment of the bicycle, -of republican government, of baseball, and of respect for women. In the -instance of the aëroplane this reaction was probably somewhat hastened -by the rifle practice mentioned. - -Third, invention of the electric leg. As a means of going from place to -place the ancients had from the earliest ages of history relied largely -on the wheel. Just how they applied it, not in stationary machinery, -as we do ourselves, but as an aid to locomotion, we cannot now hope -to know, for all the literature of the subject has perished; but it -was evidently a crude and clumsy device, giving a speed of less than -two hundred miles (four and a half sikliks) an hour, even on roadways -specially provided with rails for its rapid revolution. We know, too, -that wheels produced an intolerable jolting of the body, whereby -many died of a disease known as “therapeutics.” Indeed, a certain -class of persons who probably traveled faster than others came to be -called “rough riders,” and for their sufferings were compensated by -appointment to the most lucrative offices in the gift of the sovereign. -Small wonder that the men of that day hailed the aëroplane with -intemperate enthusiasm and used it with insupportable immoderation! - -But when the younger Eddy invented that supreme space-conquering -device, the electric leg, and within six months perfected it to -virtually what it is to-day, the necessity for flight no longer -existed. The aëroplane, ending its brief and bloody reign a discredited -and discarded toy, was “sent to the scrap-heap,” as one of our -brightest and most original modern wits has expressed it. The wheel -followed it into oblivion, whither the horse had preceded it, and -Civilization lifted her virgin fires as a dawn in Eden, and like -Cytherea leading her moonrise troop of nymphs and graces, literally -legged it o’er the land! - - - III—AN ANCIENT HUNTER - -In the nineteenth century of what, in honor of Christopher Columbum, -a mythical hero, the ancients called the “Christian era,” Africa was -an unknown land of deserts, jungles, fierce wild beasts, and degraded -savages. It is believed that no white man had ever penetrated it to a -distance of one league from the coast. All the literature of that time -relating to African exploration, conquest, and settlement is now known -to be purely imaginative—what the ancients admired as “fiction” and we -punish as felony. - -Authentic African history begins in the early years of the twentieth -century of the “era” mentioned, and its most stupendous events are -the first recorded, the record being made, chiefly, by the hand -that wrought the work—that of Tudor Rosenfelt, the most illustrious -figure of antiquity. Of this astonishing man’s parentage and early -life nothing is certainly known: legend is loquacious, but history is -silent. There are traditions affirming his connection with a disastrous -explosion at Bronco, a city of the Chinese province of Wyo Ming, his -subjugation of the usurper Tammano in the American city of N’yorx (now -known to have had no existence outside the imagination of the poets) -and his conquest of the island of Cubebs; but from all this bushel of -fable we get no grain of authenticated fact. The tales appear to be -merely hero-myths, such as belong to the legendary age of every people -of the ancient world except the Greeks and Romans. Further than that -he was an American Indian nothing can be positively affirmed of Tudor -Rosenfelt before the year “1909” of the “Christian [Columbian] era.” -In that year we glimpse him disembarking from two ships on the African -coast near Bumbassa, and, with one foot in the sea and the other on dry -land, swearing through clenched teeth that other forms of life than Man -shall be no more. He then strides, unarmed and unattended, into the -jungle, and is lost to view for ten years! - -Legend and myth now reassert their ancient reign. In that memorable -decade, as we know from the ancient author of “Who’s Whoest in Africa,” -the most incredible tales were told and believed by those who, -knowing the man and his mission, suffered insupportable alternations -of hope and despair. It was said that the Dark Continent into which -he had vanished was frequently shaken from coast to coast as by the -trampling and wrestling of titanic energies in combat and the fall of -colossal bulks on the yielding crust of the earth; that mariners in -adjacent waters heard recurrent growls and roars of rage and shouts -of triumph—an enormous uproar that smote their ships like a gale from -the land and swept them affrighted out to sea; that so loud were -these terrible sounds as to be simultaneously audible in the Indian -and Atlantic oceans, as was proved by comparing the logs of vessels -arriving from both seas at the port of Berlin. As is quaintly related -in one of these marine diaries, “The noise was so strenuous that our -ears was nigh to busting with the wolume of the sound.” Through all -this monstrous opulence of the primitive rhetorical figure known as the -Lie we easily discern a nucleus of truth: something uncommon was going -on in Africa. - -At the close of the memorable decade (_circa_ “1919”) authentic history -again appears in the fragmentary work of Antrolius: Rosenfelt walks -out of the jungle at Mbongwa on the side of the continent opposite -Bumbassa. He is now attended by a caravan of twenty thousand camels -and ten thousand native porters, all bearing trophies of the chase. -A complete list of these would require more pages than Homer Wheeler -Wilcox’s catalogue of ships, but among them were heads of elephants -with antlers attached; pelts of the checkered lion and the spiny -hippopotentot, respectively the most ferocious and the most venomous -of their species; a skeleton of the missing lynx (_Pithecanthropos -erectus compilatus_); entire bodies of pterodactyls and broncosauruses; -a slithy tove mounted on a fine specimen of the weeping wanderoo; the -downy electrical whacknasty (_Ananias flabbergastor_); the carnivorous -mastodon; ten specimens of the skinless tiger (_Felis decorticata_); -a saber-toothed python, whose bite produced the weeping sickness; -three ribnosed gazzadoodles; a pair of blood-sweating bandicoots; a -night-blooming jeewhillikins; three and a half varieties of the crested -skynoceros; a purring crocodile, or buzz-saurian; two Stymphalian -linnets; a skeleton of the three footed swammigolsis—afterwards -catalogued at the Podunk Museum of Defective Types as _Talpa unopede -noninvento_; a hydra from Lerna; the ring-tail mollycoddle and the -fawning polecat (_Civis nondesiderabilis_). - -These terrible monsters, which from the dawning of time had ravaged -all Africa, baffling every attempt at exploration and settlement, -the Exterminator, as he came to be called, had strangled or captured -with his bare hands; and the few remaining were so cowed that they -gave milk. Indeed, such was their terror of his red right arm that -all forsook their evil ways, offered themselves as beasts of burden -to the whites that came afterward, and in domestication and servitude -sought the security that he denied to their ferocity and power. Within -a single generation prosperous colonies of Caucasians sprang up all -along the coasts, and the silk hat and pink shirt, immemorial pioneers -and promoters of civilization, penetrated the remotest fastnesses, -spreading peace and plenty o’er a smiling land! - -The later history of this remarkable man is clouded in obscurity. -Much of his own account of his exploits, curiously intertangled with -those of an earlier hero named Hercules, is extant, but it closes -with his re-embarkation for America. Some hold that on returning to -his native land he was assailed with opprobrium, loaded with chains, -and cast into Chicago; others contend that he was enriched by gifts -from the sovereigns of the world, received with acclamation by his -grateful countrymen, and even mentioned for the presidency to succeed -Samuel Gompers—an honor that he modestly declined on the ground of -inexperience and unfitness. Whatever may be the truth of these matters, -he doubtless did not long suffer affliction nor enjoy prosperity, for -in the great catastrophe of the year 254 B. S. the entire continent of -North America and the contiguous island of Omaha were swallowed up by -the sea. Fortunately his narrative is preserved in the Royal Library of -Timbuktu, in which capital of civilization stands his colossal statue -of ivory and gold. In the shadow of that renowned memorial I write this -imperfect tribute to his worth. - - - - - OBJECTIVE IDEAS - - -We all remember that the sound of a trumpet has been described as -scarlet. The fact that we do remember it is evidence that the incident -of a physical sensation masquerading in a garment appropriate to the -guest of another sense than the one entertaining it is a general, -not an individual, experience. Not, of course, that a trumpet-call -impresses us all with a sense of color, but the odd description would -long ago have been forgotten had not each mind recognized it as the -statement of a fact belonging to a class of facts of which itself has -had knowledge. For myself, I never hear good music without wishing -to paint it—which I should certainly do with divine success if I -understood music and could paint. The hackneyed and tiresome fashion -of calling certain pictures “symphonies” in this or that color has -a basis of reason—which will somewhat discredit it in the esteem of -those whom it has enslaved. I never hear a man talking of “symphonies” -in gray, green, pepper-and-salt, crushed banana, ashes-of-heretic or -toper’s-nose without thinking with satisfaction of the time when he -will himself be a symphony in flame-color, lighting up the landscape -of the underworld like a flamingo in the dun expanse of a marsh in the -gloaming. - -I have in mind a notable instance of a sensation taking on three -dimensions—one for which I am not indebted, probably, to the courtesy -of some forgotten experience producing an association of ideas. It -will be conceded that it is at least unlikely that one should ever -enjoy simultaneously the double gratification of eating a pine-apple -and seeing a man hanged; such felicity is reserved, I fancy, for -creatures more meritorious than poor sinful human beings. Nevertheless, -I never taste pine-apple without a lively sense of a man with his -head in a black bag, depending from his beam. It is not that I am at -the same time conscious of the fruit and of that solemn spectacle; it -simply seems to me that a man hanging is the taste of that fruit. It -is needless to add that when thinking of those unworthy persons, my -enemies, I derive a holy delight from consuming generous slices of -pine-apple. - -There is a class of mental phenomena which, so far as my knowledge -goes, has never been “spread upon the record.” Possibly they are -peculiar to my own imperfect understanding, and a saner consciousness -is innocent of them. If so it will gratify my pride of monopoly to -admit the public to a view of my intellectual chattels. The mental -process of enumeration is with me a gliding upward in various -directions from 1 to 100; not along a column of successive figures, -like a cat scampering up a staircase, but along a smooth, pale-bluish, -angular streak, with the hither-and-yon motion of a soaring snipe. -From 1 to 10 the line runs upward, and to the right at an angle with -the horizon of about sixty degrees. There it turns sharply back to the -left and the grade to 20 is nearly flat. Thence to 30 the ascent is -vertical. From 30 to 50 there is an ascent of 10 degrees to the right -and slightly away from me. The course to 60 is to the left again, the -angle, say 10 degrees. From 60 to 90 there is no break, the course, -too, is almost level and directly away; thence to 100 nearly vertical. -It will be observed that the angles are all at 10 and its multiples, -but there is no angle at 40, none at 70, nor at 80. I may explain that -the interval between 10 and 20 is greatly longer than it ought to be, -and I venture to protest against the exceptional and unwarrantable -brevity of that between 90 and 100. - -Every time I count I am compelled to ascend some part of this -reasonless and ridiculous Jacob’s-ladder, with a “hitchety, hatchety, -up I go” movement, like Jack mounting his bean-stalk; and it is -ludicrously true that I feel a sense of relief on arriving at the more -nearly level stages, and on them am conscious of an augmented speed. -I can count from 60 to 70 twice as quickly as I can from 90 to 100. -Investigation and comparison of such conceptions as these can but -result in unspeakable advancement of knowledge. If any gentleman has -similar ones and a little leisure for their discussion I hope he will -consent to meet me in Heaven. - - - - - MY CREDENTIALS - - -My death occurred on the 17th day of June, 1879—I shall never forget -it. The day had been uncommonly hot, and the doctor kept telling me -that unless it grew cooler he would hardly be able to pull me through. -He said he was willing to do his best and prolong my life to the latest -possible moment if I wished him to, but in any case I should have to -die in a few days. I directed him to keep on prolonging, but the heat -grew greater and finally overcame him, and I died. That is to say, -while he was absent at an adjacent saloon after a sherry cobbler one -of my “bad spells” came on and I fell a victim to inattention. Things -turned out exactly as medical science had foretold. - -The funeral was largely attended and a society reporter was good enough -to describe it as an “enjoyable occasion.” I had been a prominent -member of one hundred and fifty societies, including the Sovereigns -of Glory, the Confederated Idiots, Knights and Ladies of Indigence, -Gorgeous Obsequies Guarantee Fraternity, Protective League of Adult -Orphans, Ancient and Honorable Order of Divorced Men, Society for -Converting Lawyers to Christianity, Murderers’ Mutual Resentment -Association, League of Persons Having Moles on Their Necks, Brotherhood -of Grand Flashing Inaccessibles, Mutual Pall Bearers, and Floral -Tribute Consolation Guard. All these societies, and many more, were -represented at my funeral, some in “regalia.” I was buried under more -auspices than you could count. Soon after, I was ushered into the Other -World. - -It is not like what you have been told, but I am forbidden to say what -it is like. Suffice it that its inhabitants know all that goes on in -the world we have left. Imagine, then, the delight with which I read -in all the daily papers the various “resolutions of respect” adopted -by the societies of which I had been a member. The Sovereigns of Glory -said: - - _Whereas_, Providence has found a pleasure in removing from among - us His Majesty, Peter Wodel Mocump, our Order’s Serene Reigner over - the Records; and - - _Whereas_, Our royal hearts are deeply touched by this exercise of - the divine prerogative; - - _Resolved_, That in all the relations of life he was truly majestic - and imperial. - - _Resolved_, That we tender our royal sympathy to his surviving - Queen and the Princess and Princesses of his dynasty. - - _Resolved_, That in testimony to his worth these resolutions be - engrossed on parchment and publicly displayed for thirty days in - the windows of a dry-goods shop. - -The Protective League of Adult Orphans held a meeting before I was -cold, and passed the resolutions following: - - _Whereas_, The flower that bloomed under the name of Peter Wodel - Mocump has been ruthlessly cut down by the Reaper whose name is - Death; and - - _Whereas_, He was a pansy; be it, therefore, - - _Resolved_, That in his removal this League has lost a sturdy - champion of the rights of orphans; and be it further - - _Resolved_, That a general boycott be, and hereby is, declared - against all orphans outside this Protective League. - -The Ancient and Honorable Order of Divorced Men eulogized me in the -strongest language as one who had possessed in a high and conspicuous -degree every qualification for membership in their Order. By the -Murderers’ Mutual Resentment Association I was described as one whose -time, talent and fortune were ever at the service of those injured in -the world’s esteem by the judicial practice of alluding to the past. -The League of Persons Having Moles on Their Necks said that, apart from -the unusual size of my mole, I had ever shown a strong zeal for the -public welfare and the advancement of civilization. - -I gathered up these various evidences of worth. I got together all the -obituary notices from the newspapers, which showed with a singular -unanimity that I was greatly addicted to secret almsgiving (how -did they know it?) and that I was without a fault of character or -disposition. I copied the inscription on my headstone and the verses in -the death-column of the _Morning Buglehorn_—some of its death editor’s -happiest and most striking lines. Altogether, this literature made a -pretty large volume of eulogy. I had it printed and bound (in the Other -World sense) and copiously indexed. It was the best reading I ever saw. - -The time arrived for me to appear at the gate of Heaven and make a -personal demand for admission. I was notified of the hour when I would -be heard, and was on hand. St. Peter received me with a smile and said: - -“We are full of business to-day; be brief and speak to the point. -What do you know of yourself that entitles you to a seat in the blest -abodes?” - -I smiled rather loftily but without _hauteur_, and silently handed -him the volume, bearing in golden letters on the cover the title: “My -Record.” St. Peter turned over the leaves deliberately, read a passage -here and there and handed it back, saying: - -“My friend, you have run into a streak of hard luck. The persons who -have given you so good a character—the societies, newspapers, etc.—are -unknown to me, and I don’t wish to say anything against them. But they -have been backing a good many applicants lately, and I have let in a -few on their judgment. Well, this very morning I got this note. I don’t -mind letting you read it if you won’t say I showed it. You will see I -can’t do anything for you.” - -He handed me a letter with about half the envelope torn off by careless -opening. It read as follows: - - DEAR PETER,—There has been quite a number of disturbances in here - lately, and three or four cases of scandalous misconduct on the - part of the saints, one of whom, in fact, eloped with an angel. - Another was arrested for pocketing some of the golden pavement, and - some have been trying to become famous by cutting their initials in - the bark of the Tree of Life. Inquiry shows that in every instance - the offender is a recent arrival, always a prominent citizen and a - member of a number of “societies.” I won’t overrule your action, - but really the character of this place is changing. I must ask you - to stick to the old tests—a godly life and a humble acceptance of - the Christian religion. - -When I saw the Name that was signed to that note I could not utter a -word. I turned away and came Here. - - - - - THE FOOL - - (_Bits of Dialogue from an Unpublished Morality Play_) - - - I - -FOOL—I have a question for you. - -PHILOSOPHER—I have many, for myself. Do you happen to have heard that a -fool can ask what a philosopher is unable to answer? - -F.—I happen to have heard that if that is true the one is as great a -fool as the other. - -PH.—What presumption! Philosophy is search for truth; folly is -submission to happiness. - -F.—But happiness is the sole desire and only possible purpose of man. - -PH.—Has virtue no other end? - -F.—The other end of virtue is the beginning. - -PH.—Instructed, I sit at your feet. - -F.—Unwilling to instruct, I stand on my head. - - —————— - -PHILOSOPHER—You say that happiness is the sole desire of man. This is -much disputed. - -FOOL—There is happiness in disputation. - -PH.—But Socrates says— - -F.—He was a Grecian. I hate foreigners. - -PH.—Wisdom is of no country. - -F.—Of none that I have observed. - - —————— - -PHILOSOPHER—Let us return to our subject, happiness as the sole desire -of man. Crack me these nuts. (1) The man that endures a life of toil -and privation for the good of others. - -FOOL—Does he feel remorse for so doing? Does he not rather like it? - -PH.—(2) He who, famishing himself, gives his loaf to a beggar. - -F.—There are those who prefer benevolence to bread. - -PH.—(3) How of him who goes joyfully to martyrdom at the stake? - -F.—He goes joyfully. - -PH.—And yet— - -F.—Did you ever talk with a good man going to the stake? - -PH.—I never saw one going to the stake. - -F.—Unfavored observer!—you were born a century too early. - - —————— - -PHILOSOPHER—You say that you hate foreigners. Why? - -FOOL—Because I am human. - -PH.—But so are they. - -F.—I thank you for the better reason. - - —————— - -PHILOSOPHER—I have been thinking of the pocopo. - -FOOL—So have I; what is it? - -PH.—The pocopo is a small Brazilian animal, chiefly remarkable for -singularity of diet. A pocopo eats nothing but other pocopos. As these -are not easily obtained, the annual mortality from starvation is very -great. As a result, there are fewer mouths to feed, and by consequence -the race is rapidly multiplying. - -F.—From whom had you this? - -PH.—A professor of political economy. - -F.—Let us rise and uncover. - - —————— - -FOOL—A foreign student of the English language read the report of a -colloquy between a fool and a philosopher. The remarks of the fool were -indicated by the letter F; those of the philosopher by the letters -PH—as ours will be if Heaven raise up a great, wise man to report them. - -PHILOSOPHER—Well? - -F.—Nothing. Ever thereafter the misguided foreign student spelled -“fool” with ph and philosopher with an f. - -PH.—Neo-Platonist! - - —————— - - - II - -FOOL—If I were a doctor— - -DOCTOR—I should endeavor to be a fool. - -F.—You would fail—folly is not achieved, but upon the meritorious it is -conferred. - -D.—For what purpose? - -F.—For yours. - - —————— - -FOOL—I have a friend who— - -DOCTOR—Is in need of my assistance. Absence of excitement, absolute -quiet, a hard bed and a simple diet; that will cure him. - -F.—Hardly. He is dead—he is taking your prescription. - -D.—All but the simple diet. - -F.—He is himself the diet. - -D.—How simple. - - —————— - -FOOL—What is the nastiest medicine? - -DOCTOR—A fool’s advice. - -F.—And what the most satisfactory disease? - -D.—The most lingering one. - -F.—To the patient, I mean. - -D.—Paralysis of the thoracic duct. - -F.—I am not familiar with it. - -D.—It does not encourage familiarity. Paralysis of the thoracic duct -enables the patient to overeat without taking the edge off his appetite. - -F.—What an admirable equipment for dining out! How long does the -patient’s unnatural appetite last? - -D.—The time varies; always longer than he does. - -F.—As an hypothesis, that is imperfectly conceivable. It sounds like a -doctrine. - - —————— - -DOCTOR—Anything further? - -FOOL—You attend a patient; nevertheless he recovers. How do you tell if -his recovery was because of your treatment or in spite of it? - -D.—I never do tell. - -F.—I mean, how do you know? - -D.—I take the opinion of a person interested in such matters: I ask a -fool. - -F.—How does the patient know? - -D.—The fool asks me. - -F.—You are very kind; how shall I prove my ingratitude? - -D.—By close attention to the laws of health. - -F.—God forbid! - - —————— - - - III - -FOOL—Sir Cutthroat, how many orphans have you made to-day? - -SOLDIER—The devil an orphan. Have you a family? - -F.—Put up your iron; I am the last of my race. - -S.—What!—no more fools? - -F.—Not one, so help me! They have all gone to the wars. By the way, you -are somewhat indebted to me. - -S.—Let us arbitrate your claim: arbitration is good for my trade. - -F.—The only arbiter whose decision you respect is on your side. It -hangs there. - -S.—It is impartial: it cuts both ways. For what am I indebted to you? - -F.—For existence. Prevalence of me has made you possible. - -S.—Possible? Sir, I am probable. - - —————— - -SOLDIER—Why do you wear a cap and bells? - -FOOL—The civic equivalent of a helmet and plume. - -S.—Go “hang a calf-skin on those recreant limbs.” - -F.—’Tis only wisdom should be bound in calf, for wisdom is the veal of -which folly is the matured beef. - -S.—Then folly should be garbed in cowskin. - -F.—Aye, that it may the sooner appear for what it is—the naked truth. - -S.—How should it? - -F.—You would soon strip off the hide to make harness and trappings -withal. No one thinks what conquerors owe to cows. - - —————— - -FOOL—Tell me, hero, what is strategy? - -SOLDIER—The art of putting two knives to one throat. - -F.—And what is tactics? - -S.—The art of drawing them across it. - -F.—Fine! I read (in Joinville, I think) that during the Crusades the -armament of a warship comprised two hundred serpents. These be strange -weapons. - -S.—What stuff a fool may talk! The great Rameses used to turn loose -lions against his enemies, but no true soldier would employ serpents. -Those snakes were used by sailors. - -F.—A nice distinction, truly. Did you ever employ your blade in the -splitting of hairs? - -S.—I have split masses of them! - - —————— - -FOOL—Speaking of the Crusades—at the siege of Acre, when a part of the -wall had been thrown down by the Christians the Pisans rushed gallantly -into the breach, but the greater part of their army being at dinner, -they were bloodily repulsed. Was it not a shame that those feeders -should not stir from their porridge to succor their allies? - -SOLDIER—Pray why should a man neglect his business to oblige a friend? - -F.—But they might have conquered, and the city would have been open to -sacking and pillage. - -S.—The selfish gluttons! - - —————— - -FOOL—Why is a coachman’s uniform called a livery and a soldier’s livery -a uniform? - -S.—Your presumption grows insupportable. Speak no more of matters that -you know nothing about. - -F.—Such censorship would doom all tongues to inactivity. Test my -knowledge. - -S.—What is war? - -F.—An acute stage of logical politics. - -S.—What is peace? - -F.—A suspension of hostilities. An armistice for the purpose of digging -up the dead. - -S.—I do not follow you. - -F.—Then I have security without exertion. - -S.—You damned half-ration! - - - - - OUR SMART SET - - - URBAN - -The party given on Tuesday evening last at the residence of the Puffers -was an enjoyable occasion. Next door to the residence is a church, -and the festivities were frequently interrupted by an old-fashioned -prayer meeting that was going on in the sacred edifice—the “amens” and -“God-grant-its” being distinctly audible in the midst of the dance. The -nuisance was finally abated by the police, but not until many of the -guests had left the Puffer mansion in disgust. - -The week has been prolific of social gaieties. The hospitable mansions -of the genteel, which were thrown shut during Lent, have been thrown -open again, and all has gone merry as a married belle. The list -of successful and long-to-be-remembered occasions is too long for -publication and too important for abbreviation. It can only be said -here, in a general way, that Society whooped it up great! - -The engagement is announced of Mr. Dreffeldude P. Milquesoppe to Miss -Enameline Stuccup, the least-young daughter of our distinguished -townsman, Impyqu Stuccup, Esq., familiarly known as “the Golden -Pauper.” The wedding is to take place as soon as the old man can sell -his pigs. - -On Wednesday H. Grabberson Tump led to the altar Miss Toozifoozle Bilc, -and having got her there, married her alive. The bridal presents were -gorgeous, being the famous “Set No. 3” from the well and favorably -known establishment of Pasticraft, Nickelgilt & Co.—the same set that -graced the showtable on the memorable occasion of the Whoopup-Hurroo -nuptials last fall. - -The Society Editors’ League has purchased a new evening coat and -appointed a committee to arrange a uniform vocabulary—a social -Esperanto. The phrases, “palatial mansion,” “the hospitable doors -were thrown open,” “the rank, beauty and fashion,” “the festivities -were prolonged into the wee sma’ hours,” “Terpsichorean exercises -were indulged in,” “the elegant collation was done ample justice to,” -“joined in the holy bonds of wedlock,” will stand without revision. - -A fancy-dress ball was given by the inmates of the insanity asylum last -Monday night. The only outmate present was the society editor of the -_Technologist_, who took the character of “The Lunatic,” and sustained -it with such fidelity that he was a marked man. They marked him “3397” -and kept him there. - -Our distinguished townsman, the Hon. Dollop Gobb, whose public-spirited -investments in unimproved real estate have done so much to make this -city what she is, was received everywhere with great consideration -while in Europe. The brigands who captured him near Athens demanded -the largest ransom for him that has ever been exacted for an American. -When he ascended the Great Pyramid he was detained at the top until all -that he had excepting his underclothing had gone as backsheesh to the -downtrodden millions of Egypt. Innkeepers, couriers, guides, porters -and servants vied with one another in paying homage to success in the -person of this self-made American. Mr. Gobb believes that genuine worth -is better appreciated under monarchical forms of Government than it is -here. - -Mr. Joel Hamfat is reported engaged to Mrs. John Bamberson, whose -husband is lying at the point of death. It is a genuine case of love at -first sight, Mr. Hamfat being the head of the measuring department of -the United Undertakers. - -On Monday, at the Church of St. Iniquity (Episcopalian), the Rev. Dr. -Mammon Godder joined in the holy bonds of matrimony Jacob Abraham -Isaacson, of the firm of Isaacson, Isaacson & Isaacson, proprietors -of the Seventh Commandment Bazaar, to Miss Rebekah Katzenstein, -daughter of Aaron Levi Katzenstein, Esq., of Katzenstein, Abramson & -Lubeckheimer, gentlemen clothiers, No. 315 Little Kneedeep street. -The wedding—including breakfast, wines, decorations, carriages and -everything—cost more than a thousand dollars, but as the bride’s father -felicitously remarked, “Monish is noddings ven it is a qvestion of -doing somedings in a drooly Ghristian vay, don’t it?” It undoubtedly -does. - -Old man Snoop has returned from Mud Springs much improved in age. His -daughter, Mrs. Major and Brevet Lieutenant-Colonel Straddleblind, has -engaged lodging and board for him at the Alms House, where his private -system of grammar will excite greater enthusiasm than it does at -Humility Hill, as the charming villa of the Straddleblinds is called. - -The wedding of Miss Euphemia de Genlis Bullworthy-Clopsattle, the -second charming daughter of our distinguished fellow citizen, the Hon. -Aminadab Azrael Bullworthy Clopsattle, of “The Pollards,” to Jake -Snoots will not take place at once; the bride-to-be will first be -“confirmed.” She is wise—if anybody needs the consolation of religion -she will. - -A reception in honor of the composer who wrote _Johnny, Get Your Gun_ -was held on Thursday evening last at the pal. man. of Mrs. Macpogram, -who is herself a musician of no mean ability. The guest of the -evening—whose name we do not at this moment recall—sang the composition -which has made him famous from Maine to California. Afterward Miss -Castoria Hamfat rendered _Yow che m’ rumpus_ in excellent style, and -Mr. —— (the gentleman who composed the other thing) was tickled half to -death. We wish she had sung the whole opera. - -Mr. and Mrs. Whackup have returned from Europe, bringing many objects -of art, some of which cost a great deal of money. Among them is -Turner’s “Boy Eating an Apple,” of which the distinguished critic, Col. -Twobottle, of Georgia, said that it would live as long as the language. -Another treasure of the Whackup collection is Titian’s portrait of -Mrs. Whackup’s aunt, painted by Signor Titian at one sitting. It is the -intention to have the frame made of real ormolu and set with brilliants. - -The elegant entertainment last Tuesday evening at the palatial mansion -of our distinguished townsman, J. Giles Noovoreesh Esq., was shorn of -its intended proportions by the unexpected arrival of Mr. Noovoreesh -himself. Some of the gentlemen who graced the occasion with their -presence have not yet obtained their hats and overcoats. The scene -that followed the irruption of Mr. N. into the grand hall where -Terpsichorean festivities were eventuating is said by an eye-witness to -have been the grandest spectacle since the retreat from Waterloo. - -A series of “Saturday morning _soirèes_” is announced at the suburban -residence of Mrs. Judge of the Court of Acquittal Smythe. It is Mrs. -Judge of the Court of Acquittal Symthe’s opinion that the uncommon hour -will enable her to invite the persons whom she does not want, as well -as the ladies and gentlemen whom she does. - -Mrs. Lowt has had her ears pierced. It was done by the singing of her -second daughter, Miss Loobie. - -From the list of persons whose presence added interest and charm to the -splendid obsequies of the late Mrs. Bangupper, on Thursday last, we -inadvertently omitted the name of the beautiful and accomplished Miss -Chippie Hifli. She was lovely in a costume from Chicago, and divided -honors with the remains. - -Mrs. Suds will give a literary entertainment at her residence on Angel -avenue next Thursday evening, when her beautiful and gifted niece, -Miss Simpergiggle, will read Poe’s Raven. She is an _élocutioniste_ -of remarkable powers, having twice received the highest honors in -Professor’s Drumlung’s class and once driven an audience mad. Her -rendering of _The Charge of the Light Brigade_ is said to be unlike -anything ever heard, and on one occasion it so fired the heart of a -young man who was engaged to her that he instantly broke off the match, -resolved to dedicate himself to the sword in the next war. - -One of the most enjoyable parties of the season was given on Thursday -evening last by the hoodlumni of the little university around the -corner. The guests comprised nearly all the gentlemen who have -graduated during the past two years. - -Miss Adiposa Brown wishes us to say that among those present at the -Sucklebuster wedding we observed Miss Addie P. Brown, who looked -enchanting in white silk and diamonds. We strive to please. - -Last Thursday’s post-mortem reception at the costly mansion of the -Jonesmiths was a tasteful affair. The body of the hostess, in one of -Grimdole & Grewsums popular caskets, wore a magnificent moire-antique -Mother Hubbard and a look of serene peace adorned with pearls. The -coiffure was a triumph of the hair-dresser’s art. Too great praise -cannot be given to the skill and artistic taste of Miss Nobbie Chic, -under whose supervision the gorgeous apartments had been decorated with -all manner of griefery: a skull-and-cross-bones in black spatter-work -on a scarlet ground being particularly pleasing. The vegetable -tributes, including a skeleton in orange blossoms, were mostly from the -floral emporium of Jickster & Gonkle. When the lid of the casket was -screwed down there was noisier weeping than has ever been heard on any -similar occasion in this city: the guests literally weltered in woe. - -Physicians declare that the apparently innocent habit of kissing lap -dogs is a fruitful source of contagion. They point to the recent -mortality among the dogs as confirmatory evidence. - -Last Wednesday evening’s reception at the Slumsprung residence was -marred by the unexpected return of the old man. As it was understood -that he was in Milpitas, and would not be invited anyhow, many of the -guests had not taken the precaution to be armed, and for some time -the festivities were one-sided. Luckily the tide was turned by the -opportune arrival of Col. Spotshot. Silas Edward Slumsprung was born -at Dawkinsville, Missouri, October 3, 1845. Educated as a blacksmith -and fired with the spirit of adventure, he came to this state in 1870, -since which time his fame is familiar to even the most lowly: no name -has more prominently adorned the advertising columns of this journal -than that of the distinguished remains. We mourn our loss. - -A successful party at Tarrytown—John D. Rockefeller. - -Among the most honored guests at the Hull-Caboodle reception last -Thursday evening was Mr. Moriarty Monaghan, the distinguished inventor -of the steam chaperon. - -At Mrs. Fastiddio’s _musicale_ last Thursday evening the harmony of the -occasion was somewhat marred by the sound of a desperate squabble in -the entrance hall as Professor Schwackenheimer was singing his famous -solo, _Dere’s moosic eferyvheres_. The fair hostess signified a wish -that the festivities should not be suspended, but even beauty is unable -to muzzle the press, and our reporter left the room to see what it -was all about. The hall porter, whose hair and clothing were greatly -deranged, explained with some excitement, between his gasps of fatigue, -that he’d been “a firin’ out another one o’ them dam antecedents.” - -The Jacksprats are in Jebigue. They live there. - -The engagement is announced of Hunker Gowk to the widow Jonesmith, -who will be remembered in connection with the road-house scandal of -ten years ago. The engagement having revived public interest in that -unfortunate episode in the life of the lady, it is related in full in -another column. - -Our reporter was contumeliously treated at last Wednesday evening’s -hoe-down at the Robinson mansion. This is the more surprising because -the hostess is one of our oldest and most esteemed landmarks and is -sincerely devoted to study of books on etiquette to make up for her -early disadvantages. We forgive it as a mere _reversio ad naturam_. - -Miss Enameline Cartilagina Cmythe is visiting the mummy of Rameses II, -in Cairo. They were schoolmates. - -They are telling (under the breath) of a clever thing which Mrs. Rooley -said the other day. “My dear,” said an old schoolgirl friend whom she -had not met since her marriage, “how could you venture to marry Mr. -Rooley with that awful scandal hanging over you?” “The most natural -thing in the world,” was the placid reply. “People were beginning to -talk, and I married Mr. Rooley at once to keep him from hearing about -it.” - -The Princess Bulli-Bulli is at the Golden Hotel. She will be remembered -as the lady who kept the peanut parlors at 9276 Cobble street in the -old days. Since she has got royal blood in her veins her Highness is, -of course, somewhat haughty and cold in her manner, and has on two or -three occasions inflicted severe injuries on the hotel servants; but -she is at heart a true American lady and has six dogs. - -Mrs. Excrusia Blogg gave a party last Tuesday in celebration of her -thirtieth birthday. Among the names of those not invited was that of -the fair hostess’ daughter, Mrs. Rougeline Blogg-Dumperton, who with -her five lovely children lives just over the way. The particulars of -the estrangement are not known. - -In diamonds it is the fashion to have the breakfast sets entirely -different from those worn at dinner. Nothing so conspicuously -distinguishes the true lady as the jewelry she wears at breakfast. Mrs. -Bluegore, the wife of the Hon. Asa Bluegore, M. C., is a model in this -way; her diamonds always look as if she had slept in them, they are -worn with so negligent a grace. - -At five-and-half o’clock teas it is _en règle_ for the hostess to stir -each cup of the beverage with her forefinger before administering it to -the patient. This assures so low a temperature that the tea is retained -in the system. - -Miss Exquisitia Multiboodle and father are registered at the Majestic -hotel. - -The Tooquites, the Culcherfads and the Refinings are at the Divine. - -Old Mumchortle and his mahala are at the Squaremeal. - -There will be another _musicale_ next Tuesday evening at the residence -of Mrs. Jonas Goard. Professor Henrj Beerbellj will be present with -his violin, and will play some choice selections from Schopenhauer, -Mazzini, Gambetta and Murillo. Mrs. Goard says it is her intention to -make her weekly _musicales_ the most peerless that money will collar. - -The Hiflungs are at the Splurge House. Their health has not been good -since their return from Europe, Colonel Hiflung, Miss Hiflung, Miss -Phlebotomy Hiflung and Masters Thanatopsis and Epithalamium Hiflung all -suffering more or less acutely from brain failure. - -Gargoyle Squutney has arrived from Paris, where he had the distinction -of ascending the Eiffel Tower. The Emperor paid him a great deal of -attention and he met the Tuilleries. - -Society is justly indignant at the threatened publication of an _Èlite -Directory_ with an “Appendix of Antecedents.” Strenuous efforts at -suppression have resulted in nothing, so far, but hopes are entertained -of conciliating the author and publisher with an invitation to the -Pursang luncheon next week. In the mean time that hardy and desperate -man speaks of the ladies and gentlemen whom he weakly maligns in the -columns of an infamous daily newspaper as “Our Sore Hundred.” - -The fashion of leaving the dog’s card with that of the mistress is -obtaining favor again. - -The new spring-style coffins have oxidized silver trimmings. - -Our distinguished townsman, the Hon. Mr. Col. Samuel Jiggs, Esquire, is -understood to deprecate Society’s attitude toward him. He has confided -to a prominent society man the fact that he is tired of attending his -wife’s entertainments and hearing himself addressed by her guests as -“Sam” and “Jiggsy.” He purposes, he says, to make certain radical -improvements in the next galoots as allows they kin prosper withouten -good manners. - -At the funeral of Miss Nobbie Skihi, last Thursday, the corpse was -attired in a Directoire costume from Worth’s, and wore a diamond and -sapphire necklace valued, according to the tag, at $15,000. In removing -this at the close of the entertainment, the mother of the deceased was -overcome with emotion, which found audible expression. The lady’s voice -is a clear soprano of remarkable power. - -The Lalligaggs have taken rooms at the Hotel Paradise for the winter -and the Mollicoddles for the storm. The Von Doodles are reported as -storming at Hohokus. - -At the Rodaigent-Cadje wedding reception a new and admirable feature -was introduced. On one end of a table were displayed the wedding -presents, with the donor’s names attached. On the other end was a large -number of wooden naughts, gilt and variously decorated. These bore -the names of friends and acquaintances who gave nothing. It is said -that some of the persons blacklisted have applied to the police for -protection. - -Mrs. Wollysnopple is in town again, where, being at present afflicted -with smallpox, she has a wide circle of acquaintances. - -The beautiful and accomplished Miss Vaseline Upshoot damaged one of -her toes last week in alighting from a street car. It was the sweetest -little accident in the world, and the fair sufferer underwent a -charming amputation. - -The Impycu family, who are at Gophertown, Hog Valley, wish us to state -that they are traveling in Europe. So are we. - -Mrs. Breezy O’Blairney has offered the Academy of Sciences a -magnificent oil portrait of her late husband, the Hon. Moriarty Fitz -Flaherty O’Blairney. It is reported that the Academy is willing to -compromise. - -A pleasing incident in high life occurred the other evening at a -_conversazione_ given by Mrs. Fastidiana Rushereeeee, _nèe_ Scroggins. -The fair hands of the distinguished and wealthy hostess had worked in -violets on a yellow ground the following chaste and elegant lines, -which adorned one of the walls: - - Here mind meets mind on the occasion - Of an intellectual _conversazione_. - -A gentleman of some literary pretensions from Boston enticed the -hostess aside, and in the most cowardly manner intimated that she had -erred in pronunciation, or else had a bad ear for rhyme. The insulted -lady apprised the other gentlemen present of what had been said to -her in her own house, and the fellow was energetically booted abroad, -returning not any more to that place. And that is the pleasing incident -above referred to. - -Mrs. Follyswaddle’s reception in honor of Lord ‘Arry Chortle of Wapping -was enjoyable until his lordship was taken drunk; then the festivities -were parted in the middle. - -The Tollipoodles are Octobering in Sprouleville—all except the old -man, who is Tollipoodling here, in the regular way. In him there is -neither change nor shadow of turning—such as creation’s dawn beheld he -Tollipoodleth now. - -The wake of Malone Finucain last Thursday night was marred by but a -single untoward incident—the corpse got up and kicked everybody out -of the house. The widow desires us to say that the second wake of the -series will take place at a date not now determined, and each guest -will be supplied at the door with an attested copy of a physician’s -certificate of death. - -One of the most interesting souvenirs of royalty that this country can -boast is in the possession of Miss Celeritie Hifli of this city. It -was given to Miss Hifli by his Royal Highness the Prince of Wales, who -greatly admired her beauty. The souvenir is a Bank of England ten-pound -note, which Miss Hifli has had framed and exhibits with pardonable -pride. After the first few shocks, it is quite charming to observe her -ingenuous way of speaking of his Royal Highness as “Al.” - -Society is discussing a shocking scandal. It is difficult to get the -particulars from an authentic source, but they are believed to be -about as follows: Three weeks ago, on the death of Miss R——, the body -was placed in the handsome tomb of Colonel H——, an old friend of the -family, the fine mausoleum of the R——s being incomplete. The only -occupant of the tomb when the body of Miss R—— was placed there was -the remains of Colonel H——’s brother, but for the sake of propriety -Mrs. X——, a friend of both families, had the mortal part of her -mother conveyed there from another place. But on Tuesday last Mrs. -X——, without notifying the R——s, had her mother’s body removed and -sent East. From that day until yesterday the remains of Miss R—— were -without a chaperon. Great indignation is felt against Mrs. X——, and it -is thought that her action will seriously affect her social standing. - - - RURAL - -The festivities last Wednesday evening at the Turveypool mansion -scooped the ranch. It was the slickest outfit of the season, and will -shine in the annals of society worse than a new tin pan. The genial -hostess was as affable as a candidate for coroner, and pitchforked her -smiles about without caring a cuss where they struck and stuck. She’s -the whitest woman in this social camp, and don’t you forget it. - -Mrs. Flyorbust gave a reception on Friday evening, which in point of -pure elegance knocked everything perfectly cold and was a regular -round-up of beauty, rank and fashion. The fair hostess’ long residence -in the social centers of Europe, where she experted some of the -niftiest occasions, has taught her how to do such things white. Among -those present we observed Mr. Flyorbust, Miss Flyorbust, Miss Georgiana -Glorinda Flyorbust, and Master Tom Busted. - -The engagement is announced of Mr. Megacephaloid Polliglot Paupertas, -the distinguished and popular scion of the Munniglut stock, to a -lady of acceptable fortune but humble birth, who is not at present -in society and is therefore nameless in these columns. The wedding -is expected to take place as soon as this person can dispose of some -property in Hangtown. If the sale is auspiciously consummated the -nuptials will eventuate with unscrupulous grandiosity. - -Society is unaffected by Lent: Mrs. Vulgaria de Binks-Browne says that -she means to give a dizzy party next Wednesday evening and put on as -much dog as anybody or bust a-trying. Those near to Mrs. Binks-Browne -hope that she will succeed. - -We were honored yesterday by a call from the eminent statesman, the -Hon. Braygong Bumble, and his distinguished dog. They remained an hour -and left, going in the direction of our loathsome contemporary, _The -Squeege_. It is to be hoped they did not tarnish their respective -escutcheons by calling on the presiding felon of that gang, and they -probably did not, for the voice of fame has not pointed the finger of -discovery at him. - -Old man Blivens wants the public to get onto the racket that his fat -girl, Piggy Jane, is effectuating. As nearly as we could tumble to it -from the elderly party’s prospectus, it is to be a lavender feed. The -guests are not expected to eat that herb of the field, unless they want -to, but its color will pervade the occasion like an undertone of garlic -in a Dago Christmas. Ladies whose rinds don’t hitch well with lavender -had better stay at home and go to the circus. - -Mrs. Colonel Pompinuppy’s Wednesday evenings will henceforth eventuate -on Thursday afternoons. At the next one Signora Fahertini, a Dutch -_cantatreechy_, will squawk up some classical music that will make the -hair curl. - -Pimply Johnson is pinching out at his Burro street shack. The medicine -man has tooted his doom, but says he may possibly pull through the -week. Keep your northwest eye open for an enjoyable funeral if it is -Christian weather. The remains will be _cached_ in the natty mausoleum -erected by them during life. - -The services last Sunday evening at the Church of the Holy Jones -were enlivened by the presence of the beautiful Miss Marie Jeanne -Hodj, who brandished the most paralyzing follyswaddles of any hen in -the kaboodle. Her leading figleaf was of nun’s-unavailing, with a -demi-train which responded rhythmically to every lateral impulse of -her willowy figure. The rest of her outfit we didn’t slate. Miss Hodj -looked sweet enough to eat! - -At the reception, last Tuesday evening, at the Loftinudle mansion, the -many guests gracing the occasion with their presence were profoundly -affected by the costliness and elegance of everything in the house and -its appointments. No one thing knocked them silly, but there was a -general allroundishness that laid ’em out like dead! It is universally -admitted that the Loftinudle shack is uncommonly tough to tackle, and -it is not thought that any of the shanties now going up in Smith’s -Addition will be able to hold a candle to it. There are some persons, -however, who expect old Loftinudle will himself hold a candle to it, as -the insurance is significantly heavy. - -The Squuljees are now established in their new Malaria county villa, -Skunkmead. The house, which is of the Renuisance style, is fitted -with all the ancient and modern conveniences, and the whole place has -been happily described by a reporter of the _Malarian_ as strongly -resembling Mr. Elysian’s fields. Mrs. Squuljee, Miss Squuljee and Miss -Carameline Squuljee were in the city yesterday and were seen at a -distance by our reporter. Unluckily they had seen him first. - -The Bachelor’s Club is madder than a wet cat. It was first flung to -the breeze to enable the unmarried roosters to return-match the old -hens who entertain them at the henneries; but the chaps do it so white -that now the o. h.’s don’t put up at all. We plank down our in’ardest -sympathy in the business, but that’s all we can do; owing to the -death of a heavy advertiser the o. h. appertaining to our loathsome -contemporary isn’t branching out into social gaieties much at the -present writing. - -Mr. James O’Squander and Mrs. Jane McMillion are to be married next -Hangman’s day—that day being selected in memory of the bridegroom’s -sainted father. It was of this engagement that the Bard of Tar Flat, -Ferd Anderson Snooks, penned his brutal couplet, published by a -disgusting contemporary: - - Jim will tie to Jane in the holy bonds of wedlock, - But ere a year is gone he’ll be scraping round on bedrock. - -A Leap Year party was given on Monday evening at the Coyote District -school-house, Potato county. The Temple of Science was beautifully -decorated, the words “Leep Yeer,” tastily executed in colored chalks on -the black-board, being conspicuously pleasing. They were the work of -the teacher. - -The McCorkle crowd is Novembering at Iron Springs. That summer place -of last resort does not advertise in this journal, but we know enough -about it from other sources to whack up our deepest dollar on the -proposition that the essence of latch-key which Mother Earth spits out -at that place will knock the McCorkle livers galley west. - - - - - THE EVOLUTION OF A STORY - - -On a calm evening in the early summer, a young girl stood leaning -carelessly against a donkey at the top of Plum Hill, daintily but with -considerable skill destroying a biscuit by mastication’s artful aid. -The sun had been for some time behind the sea, but the conscious West -was still suffused with a faint ruddiness, like the reflection from an -army of boiled lobsters marching below the horizon for a flank attack -upon the stomach of Boston. - -Slowly and silently the ruby legion held its way. Not a word was -spoken; commands given by the general were passed from mouth to -mouth, like a single bit of chewing gum amongst the seven children -immortalized by Edward Bok, who was more than usually active this -evening, if that were possible. - -And it was possible; in no spirit of bravado, but with firm reliance -on the _blanc mange_ he had eaten for dinner, and which was even now -shaping itself into exquisite fancies in the laboratory of his genius, -the great editor had resolved to reach a higher excellence, or perish -in the attempt, as the tree frog, baffled by the smooth bark of the -beech, falls exhausted into the spanning jaws of the serpent biding his -time below. - -Having swallowed the frog, the reptile turned to go away, and by a -sinuous course soon reached the highway. Here he stood up and looked -about him. There was no living thing in sight. To the right hand and -the left the dusty white road stretched away without a break in its -dreary, mathematical sameness. Beyond a belt of pines on the opposite -side rose a barren, rounded hilltop, resembling the bald crown of a -game keeper thrust upward from behind a hedge to offer a shining mark -for the poacher. - -Grimly the poacher raised and sighted his gun, charged with a double -quantity of heavy slugs. There was a moment of silence—a silence so -profound, so deathlike in its intensity, that a keen ear might have -heard the spanking of an infant in a distant village. - -This infant had come, no one knew whence. The story went that it had -tramped into town one cold morning, with its cradle slung across its -back, and after being refused admittance to the hotel, had gone quietly -to the back door and lain down, having first written and pinned to its -gown the following placard: “This unfortunate child is the natural -son of a foreign prince, who until he shall succeed to the throne of -his ancestors begs that the illustrious waif may be tenderly cared -for. His Royal Highness cannot say how long his own worthless father -may continue to disgrace the realm, but hopes not long. At the end of -that time, his Royal Highness will appear to the child’s astonished -benefactor, crusted as thickly with gems as a toad with warts.” - -These troublesome excrescences had given the poor toad much pain. -Everything that science had devised, and skill applied, had been a mere -waste of money; and now at the age of four hundred years, with life -just opening before him, with other toads reveling about him in all the -jump-up-and-come-down-hardness of their hearts he was compelled to drag -himself nervelessly through existence, with no more hope of happiness -than a piano has of marriage. - -It was not a nice piano; the keys were warped, the mainspring was -relaxed, the cogwheels would not have anything to do with one another, -and the pendulum would swing only one way. Altogether a disreputable -and ridiculous old instrument. But such as it was, it had stood in -that dim old attic, man and boy, for more than thirty years. Its very -infirmities, by exciting pity, had preserved it; not one of the family -would have laid an axe at the root of that piano for as much gold as -could be drawn by a team of the strongest horses. - -Of these rare and valuable animals we shall speak in our next chapter. - - - - - THE ALLOTMENT - - -“Doubtless we have all great gratitude this night of Thanksgiving. -Doubtless, too, we have ample cause and justification, for the dullest -crack-brain of us all knows that life might have gone harder with -him had the Power that compounds our joys and pains proportioned -differently, to that end, the simples of the mixture.” - -So reading, I fell asleep, for I was full of bird. Straight appeared to -me an angel, the dexter half of whom was white, the sinister, black—the -line of division parting him from the hair down. Two skins of wine -he bore; one wine was clear and sweet, and one was dark and bitter -exceeding, such as would make a pig squeal. I saw, also, at his feet as -he stood, some large glass vessels of even size, marked from bottom to -top with a scale, the divisions numbered upward from 1 to 100. - -“Son of Mortality,” said he, “I am the Compounding Power—behold my -standard mixture.” So saying he poured into one of the vessels 50 parts -of sweet and the same of bitter. “This,” he said, “is without taste. -It is for him whom Heaven doth neither bless nor afflict. There is but -one such that liveth.” - -“The devil!” I cried, for indeed I greatly marveled that this should be -so. - -Said the angel: “Guess again.” - -“Compound now, I beseech thee,” I said, “the best that thou hast use -for in thy business: a tipple of surpassing richness—one which maketh -the hair to curl.” - -Thereupon he put into the second vessel 1 part of bitter and 9 of -sweet. And he looked upon it saying: “It is the best that it is -permitted to me to do.” - -“Show me,” I said, “the worst; for truly it must be exceeding fierce, -slaying at eighty rods.” - -“It is bad to take,” he answered, and straightway poured into the third -vessel 10 parts of sweet. Then, upraising the other skin, he filled -the vessel to the brim, and a great compassion fell upon my spirit, -thinking on the unhappy man who should get himself outside that unholy -tope. - -“Behold,” said the angel, “Heaven is just! The ratio of pain to joy in -the lot of the happiest mortal is the same as that of joy to pain in -his who is most wretched. It is 1 to 10.” And after some little time -he spake again: - -“I’m a dandy for fairness.” - -“True, O Dandy Allotter,” I said: “the proportions are only reversed. -But these two vessels, the second and the third, holding the good -draught and the bad—lo! the good is but a tenth part full, whilst the -latter overfloweth the vessel. Is each quantity a dose?” - -And the angel said: “Each is a dose.” - -Wherefore I raised my voice against him, and called him out of his -name, and cast my pillow upon him, and he departed out of that place -with a loud cry. Then they that came in haste to my chamber, unbidden, -looked one upon another and said: “He ate of the bird.” - - - - - LACKING FACTORS - - -Gender is the sex of words. But either this matter of sex is -imperfectly understood, or Nature has made faulty provision for the -duality of things; for history and speech show many melancholy examples -of natural celibacy, and Shelley’s dictum that “nothing in the world is -single” must be accepted with the large limitation of a comprehensive -denial. Who ever heard of an alligatrix? The spinster—has she anywhere -a femaler mate, the spinstress? I am told there is an article, a -garment, if I have rightly understood—called a garter, and that it has -commonly a mate, yet I know not if any one has seen a gartress. Nor, -for that matter, a garter. Has the cypress a lord and master known as -the cypor? We hear of personal encounters, but a personal encounter -between two ladies is not an encountress. Every one knows that an -epistle is a female apostle, but why the male mate of the unlisted -himmit should, except for consistency in perversion, be called a -hermit, who can say? Oddly enough, the shero is unknown to fame. Is -there a place beyond the grave of the sinner, called Heol, and was its -existence hinted at in the old name for Sheol? In Irish folklore is no -mention of the banhee. An ornithologist of even the widest attainments -will assure you that the queenfisher is an undiscovered fowl. Ancient -history, sacred or profane, is vainly questioned concerning the King -of Heba—whom nevertheless, I love to figure to myself as making a long -journey to lay countless camel loads of gifts at the feet of the very -wisest sovereign in all the world—the queen of the Shebrews. - - - - - A CALIFORNIAN STATESMAN - - -Persons who have not had the advantage of hearing about the Hon. Henry -Vrooman in the past ten or twelve years will be surprised to learn that -he is still living. The man has more lives than a ship-load of cats -from Malta. In the past few years he has been dying of heart disease -so fast that he is in danger of becoming extinct. His death-rate is -appalling! He has died in every voting precinct in this part of the -state, and his last words are about to be compiled in three volumes. -Whenever Mr. Vrooman wants “the suffrages of his fellow-citizens” he -gets them together in a hall, makes them a speech, assures them that -his sands of life are pretty nearly run out, closes with some neat and -appropriate patriotic sentiment suitable to the sad occasion, and then -flops down and dies all over the floor. Just before the vital spark is -extinct the meeting is adjourned by turning off the gas and the corpse -is at liberty to rise and go home. The next morning Mr. Vrooman’s -political organ relates how he was snatched from the jaws of death, -though his condition is still critical; and the sovereign electors -say: “Well, poor feller, he’s on his last legs anyway—guess it won’t -do much harm to elect him.” The wretch never drew a cent of salary -without committing the crime of obtaining money by false pretenses; he -is always elected on the understanding that he is to die. - -But he doesn’t die—he is immortal. The moment that the “innumerable -caravan” has passed the polling place he drops out of the procession -and hangs about for his certificate of election. Then we hear no more -about his poor heart until his term is about to expire, when it begins -to trouble him again. He and his term generally manage to expire -together in the sure and certain hope of a blessed resurrection. - -In the closing hours of the last session of the state senate somebody -made a motion to limit all speeches to ten minutes. This brought Mr. -Vrooman to his hind feet forthwith. “Mr. President,” he said, “standing -as I do upon the threshold of the Unknown, and turning back to address -my fellow-citizens for the last time, I feel grateful indeed that an -all-wise Providence has so ordered it that my final words can be spoken -in advocacy of the righteous and beneficent principle of free speech, -and in denunciation of the reptiles who would limit the liberty of -debate. With a solemn sense of my responsibility to Him from whom I -received my mental powers, and to whom I am so soon to give an account -of my stewardship; gazing with a glazing eye upon the transitory scenes -of earth, about which ‘the dark Plutonian shadows gather on the evening -blast’; conscious that the lute-string is about to snap and the pitcher -to be broken at the well, I adjure you, friends of my former days, as -in a whisper from the dark, not to let that motion prevail.” - -Wiping a light froth from his lips, the failing senator, with a friend -under each arm and a half-dozen volunteer pall-bearers following, -solemnly left the chamber to the sound of a dozen busy pens drafting -resolutions of respect. - -A moment later Senator Moffitt walked into the hall, dexterously -caught the presiding officer’s eye, and said: “Mr. President, it is -my mournful duty to apprise this honorable body of my distinguished -colleague’s continued existence. Born of poor but thoughtless parents -and educated as a blacksmith; gifted with a penetrating intelligence -which never failed in the darkest night to distinguish a five-dollar -piece from a nickel, yet blessed with an impartial soul which loved -the humbler coin as well, in proportion to its value, as the nobler -one; blessed with a benevolence which relieved alike the rich man and -the poor—the one of his coin, the other of his character; reared in -the principles of religion and giving to the worship of himself an -incredible devotion—this great man moved among the property of his -neighbors, a living instance of the power of personal magnetism and -the strength of political attachment. He was a generous man: one-half -of all that he took with his right hand he bestowed upon his left. He -was a respecter of Truth, and did not profane her with his lips. He -was a patriot: other nations might be more powerful in arms, or more -glorious in history, but America was good enough for him if he could -get it. Withal, he had a tender heart acutely responsive to indigestion -and closely identified with the political history of this state. Mr. -President, I move that when the senate adjourn to go to luncheon it do -so out of respect to the memory of Henry Vrooman. True, he is no deader -than he was when he began to die ten years ago, but, sir, a memorial -adjournment may have a deeper and better significance than is visible -in a mere conformity to fact: it may entoken a pious people’s readiness -to submit to a tardy bereavement.” - -Senator Moffitt’s motion was peremptorily and contumeliously declared -out of order, and that erring statesman dejectedly took his seat a -sadder and a nicer man. It saddens to add that he solaced himself -by consuming the public stationery in composing the following -discreditable epitaph: - - Step lightly, stranger, o’er this holy place, - Nor push this sacred monument aside, - Set by his fellow-citizens to grace - The only spot where Vrooman never died. - - 1888. - - - THE END - - - Transcriber’s Notes: - - - Text enclosed by underscores is in italics (_italics_). - - Blank pages have been removed. - - A few obvious typographical errors have been silently corrected, - otherwise deliberately inconsistent or inventive spelling has been - left as is. - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE COLLECTED WORKS OF AMBROSE -BIERCE, VOLUME XII *** - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the -United States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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- padding-left: inherit; - margin-top: inherit; - line-height: inherit; - } - - abbr { - border: none; - text-decoration: none; - } - - /* === Transcriber's notes === */ - .transnote { - background-color: #E6E6FA; - color: black; - font-size: smaller; - padding: 0.5em; - margin-bottom: 5em; - font-family: sans-serif, serif; - } - - </style> -</head> - -<body> - -<div style='text-align:center; font-size:1.2em; font-weight:bold'>The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, Volume XII, by Ambrose Bierce</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online -at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you -are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the -country where you are located before using this eBook. -</div> - -<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, Volume XII</p> - -<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: Ambrose Bierce</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: September 19, 2021 [eBook #66345]</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Character set encoding: UTF-8</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Produced by: Emmanuel Ackerman, Robert Tonsing and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive)</div> - -<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE COLLECTED WORKS OF AMBROSE BIERCE, VOLUME XII ***</div> - - <div class="figcenter illowp100" id="cover"> - <img class="w100" src="images/cover.jpg" alt="" /> - </div> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="center xxlarge lh1 mt10"><b>THE COLLECTED WORKS OF<br /> - AMBROSE BIERCE</b></div> - - <hr class="short" /> - <div class="center xxlarge mb10"><b>VOLUME XII</b></div> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="illo illowp20 mt10 mb10 page"> - <img class="w100" src="images/colophon.png" alt="Logo" /> - </div> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="large bold lh2 mt10 mb10 page"> - <div><i>The publishers certify that this edition of</i></div> - - <div class="center xlarge">THE COLLECTED WORKS OF<br /> - AMBROSE BIERCE</div> - - <div><i>consists of two hundred and fifty numbered sets, autographed by the - author, and that the number of this set is</i> ...... </div> - </div> - - <div class="figcenter illowp100"> - <img class="w100" src="images/title_page.jpg" alt="Title page" /> - </div> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="titlepage"> - <h1>THE COLLECTED<br /> - WORKS OF<br /> - AMBROSE BIERCE</h1> - - <div class="xlarge mt5 mb5">VOLUME XII</div> - - <div class="xxlarge">IN MOTLEY</div> - <hr class="short" /> - <div class="xlarge">KINGS OF BEASTS<br /> - TWO ADMINISTRATIONS<br /> - MISCELLANEOUS</div> - - <div class="mt10">NEW YORK & WASHINGTON<br /> - <span class="large">THE NEALE PUBLISHING COMPANY</span><br /> - 1912</div> - - <div class="small bold"><span class="fleft ml10"><i>FREDERICK</i></span> - <span class="fright mr10"><i>POLLEY</i></span></div> - </div> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="titlepage"> - <div><span class="smcap">Copyright, 1912, by</span><br /> - The Neale Publishing Company</div> - </div> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <h2 id="CONTENTS">CONTENTS</h2> - </div> - - <ul> - <li class="head">KINGS OF BEASTS</li> - <li class="item"><a href="#THE_RAT">The Rat</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#BUTTYGOATS">Buttygoats</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#CATS">Cats</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#THE_CRANE">The Crane</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#THE_SNAKE">The Snake</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#FROGS">Frogs</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#DOGS">Dogs</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#THE_PIG">The Pig</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#KANGAROONS">Kangaroons</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#EPHALENTS">Ephalents</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#THE_TOOTSY_WOOTSY">The Tootsy Wootsy</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#GRASS_HOPPERS">Grass Hoppers</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#DOMESTICAL_HENS">Domestical Hens</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#THE_BUFLO">The Buflo</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#SHEEPS">Sheeps</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#DUCKS">Ducks</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#THE_NUMPORAUCUS">The Numporaucus</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#MOLES">Moles</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#THE_GOFURIOUS">The Gofurious</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#THE_RHI_NOSEY_ROSE">The Rhi Nosey Rose</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#SWANS">Swans</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#THE_HIPPORIPPUS">The Hipporippus</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#JACKUSSES">Jackusses</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#SOLJERS">Soljers</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#FISH">Fish</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#THE_POL_PATRIOT">The Pol Patriot</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#COWS">Cows</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#BUZARDS">Buzards</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#THE_CAMEL">The Camel</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#FLIES">Flies</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#MUNKYS">Munkys</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#BEARS">Bears</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#THE_TAIL_END">The Tail End</a></li> - - <li class="head">TWO ADMINISTRATIONS</li> - <li class="item"><a href="#A_PROVISIONAL_SETTLEMENT">A Provisional Settlement</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#ASPIRANTS_THREE">Aspirants Three</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#AT_SANTIAGO">At Santiago</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#A_CABINET_CONFERENCE">A Cabinet Conference</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#AN_INDEMNITY">An Indemnity</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#FOR_INTERVENTION">For Intervention</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#THE_ORDEAL">The Ordeal</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#FROSTING_A_BUD">Frosting a Bud</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#A_BAFFLED_AMBITION">A Baffled Ambition</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#THE_GENESIS_OF_A_NATION">The Genesis of a Nation</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#A_WHITE_HOUSE_IDYL">A White House Idyl</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#TWO_FAVORITES">Two Favorites</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#A_DIPLOMATIC_TRIUMPH">A Diplomatic Triumph</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#A_SUCKED_ORANGE">A Sucked Orange</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#A_TWISTED_TALE">A Twisted Tale</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#POST_MORTEM">Post Mortem</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#A_STRAINED_RELATION">A Strained Relation</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#A_WIRELESS_ANTEPENULTIMATUM">A Wireless Antepenultimatum</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#A_PRESIDENTIAL_PROGRESS">A Presidential Progress</a></li> - - <li class="head">MISCELLANEOUS</li> - <li class="item"><a href="#THE_SAMPLE_COUNTER">The Sample Counter</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#THE_GREAT_STRIKE_OF_1895">The Great Strike of 1895</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#A_THUMB_NAIL_SKETCH">A Thumb-Nail Sketch</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#MORTALITY_IN_THE_FOOT_HILLS">Mortality in the Foot-Hills</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#THE_A_L_C_B">The A. L. C. B.</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#TWO_CONVERSATIONS">Two Conversations</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#A_STORY_AT_THE_CLUB">A Story at the Club</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#THE_WIZARD_OF_BUMBASSA">The Wizard of Bumbassa</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#THE_FUTURE_HISTORIAN">The Future Historian</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#OBJECTIVE_IDEAS">Objective Ideas</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#MY_CREDENTIALS">My Credentials</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#THE_FOOL">The Fool</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#OUR_SMART_SET">Our Smart Set</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#THE_EVOLUTION_OF_A_STORY">The Evolution of a Story</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#THE_ALLOTMENT">The Allotment</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#LACKING_FACTORS">Lacking Factors</a></li> - <li class="item"><a href="#A_CALIFORNIAN_STATESMAN">A Californian Statesman</a></li> - </ul> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter mb10"> - <h2>KINGS OF BEASTS</h2> - - <div>BY</div> - - <div class="smcap xlarge mt2">Little Johnny</div> - - <div class="large mt5">(Edited to a Low and Variable Degree<br /> - of Intelligibility by the Author’s<br /> - Uncle Edward.)</div> - </div> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_13">13</span> - <h3 id="THE_RAT">THE RAT</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">RATS is radiants and the little ones is a mouse, and thats the feller - which pursues the women folks up into a high tree and blankets on her - blood! But the old he rat eats bread and cheese like a thing of life.</p> - - <p>One day my mother she baited a trap with Dutch cheese, for to catch - a rat. My father he looked on a while, and then he said, my father - did: “I guess there isnt any doubt about the rat finding that deadly - invention if he follers his nose, and I foresee his finish, but what is - the trap for?”</p> - - <p>Rats is two kinds, the common and the mush. The common is the scourge - of the world, but the mush he lives in the water and is highly - respected. The fur of the mush is a article of commerce and keeps your - hands warm when winter stalks abroad like a devouring kangaroon. If - I was a mush I would keep my fur for my own self and say: “You fool - humans can stay in the house and stand by the fire.” But Uncle Ned he - says that would be bad for athletical sports, why not let them go out - of doors,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_14">14</span> but keep their hands in one a others pockets as usual?</p> - - <p>He says one time in Arizona there was a show, and the show man he stood - in the door of his tent and hollored: “Walk up, walk up, ladies and - gents, and see the fierce Canadian beaver, which is the 8th wonder of - the world and the anchor of hope to them which is afflicted with the - dumps. He roams the rivers of the frozen north, from Dan Couvers island - to Sammy Quoddys bay in the state of Maine, and his voice is ever for - war. When he throws his eye upon a tree the doom of that monarch of - the forest primeval is sealed, its caroar at a end and its name a by - word in the mouths of men, for he ganaws it down while you wait, and as - it thunders to earth he raises the song of triump and lashes the air - to foam! His house is fathoms five under the glad waters of the deep - blue sea, and the steam boats pass above him as he pursues the evil - tenor of his way, in maiden meditation, fancy free. At midnights holy - hour he arises to the surface for to communicate with his kindreds in - a far country, and the slap of his powerful tail is heard around the - world. The dams which he builds with his teeths and feets turns aside - the Father of Waters, and mighty cities are with the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_15">15</span> eternal past! Yet - this wonder worker is endowered with a domestical mind and a sociable - dispusition, and he is never so happy as when surounded by such - friendly and congenual spirits as I see before me, generously eager for - to cheer him in his campaign of education. Walk up, walk up, only fifty - cents for to bring the balm of Gulliad to this lonely exiles heart.”</p> - - <p>I asked Uncle Ned was it a mush rat, and he said, Uncle Ned did: “I - dont know, Johnny, I dont know. I hadnt time to go in and cheer up the - lonely exile, for having the misfortune to wear a stopipe hat and look - like maybe I would steal horses, I feared that if I went in the show I - might be too much absorbed in admiration to the beaver to mark the laps - of time, and would be late at the boundry.”</p> - - <p>Beavers is mammals, but the mush is amfabulous and lays eggs. And thats - why I say every feller to his own taste and the tiger for us all.</p> - - <p>The mush he lives in the river, and when he is attempted to be caught - he swims across and whisks his tail, real contemptible, much as to say: - “No you dont.” </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_16">16</span></p> - - <p>But if you have a gun you do.</p> - - <p>Injins eats the mush every little tiny bit up, fur and all, and, then - the white man he says: “You uncivilize galoot, aint you a shamed of - yourself for to be so filthy, why dont you eat oysters, like you was - folks?”</p> - - <p>But, if I was Injins I wouldnt care what I et, just so it was pizen. - Franky, thats the baby, he eats everything which is in the world and is - made sick. One time Mary, thats the house maid, she come to my mother - ablubberin like she had been licked, and she said, Mary did: “O, if you - please, mum, I gave Franky his fathers pocket knife for to play with, - and Ime afraid he will make a improper use of it.”</p> - - <p>Mother she said: “Go and take it away from him this minute!”</p> - - <p>But Mary she only just cried harder and said: “He won’t give it up, for - he has swollered it.”</p> - - <p>Girls is fools, but Billy, thats my brother, he can stand on his head, - and Jack Brily, which is the wicked sailor, he can climb the mast and - fling defiance into the teeths of the storm!</p> - - <p>Jack says one time a other sailor hired out as mate of a ship which the - captain of had a pet kangaroon. One day fore the ship sailed the mate - was lyin in his <span class="pagenum" id="Page_17">17</span>bunk, and the kang it come in and looked around the - room, but the mate he let on for to be asleep. So the kang it stole a - shirt and stuffed it in the pouch on the stomach of its belly. Then it - took a comb and a hair brush and put them in too. Bime by it see the - mate’s new shoes, and his toothbrush and a railroad guide and took them - all. Then the roon it hopped away.</p> - - <p>The mate he got up and went to the captain and sed, the mate did: “If - you are willing, sir, Ide like to be set ashore to once, cause we are - doomed for to sink in the bowel of the sea.”</p> - - <p>The captain said how did he know, and the mate said: “By a infaluble - sign. I seen that big French rat of yourn a packin up for to forsake - the ship.”</p> - - <p>Rats is every where, but the kang is a native of Illinoy and leaps from - crag to crag!</p> - - <p>My sisters young man he says the women has rats in their hair, so you - better keep away from them, but my sister says why dont he?</p> - - <p>When he comes to see her he asks how I am gettin on with my natural - histry, and then he tells me things which I am welcome for to put into - it, but she says what a fib, and I must not believe a word which he - says, and looks right in his eyes with <span class="pagenum" id="Page_18">18</span>hern, real reproachy, but he - isnt a bit afraid. Hern are brown, but hisn is gray.</p> - - <p>Rats is bipeds, but the hi potamus has got hair on its teeths and can - swoller a native nigger like he was a capsule. And that is why I say do - into others the same as you would be done to by them your own self.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_19">19</span> - <h3 id="BUTTYGOATS">BUTTYGOATS</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">THERE is billygoats and nannygoats and they are all butty if you dont - look out, for when they are made fun of they will act in the most - responsible manner.</p> - - <p>Uncle Ned he says one time there was a little boy which was a havin his - own fun with a goat, by gettin down on his all 4s and stampin his hands - and shakin his head like it was the goat’s head, but the goat it didnt - seem for to mind, but went round behind him, like it said: “I wont have - nothing to do with this business.”</p> - - <p>But when it got to where it wanted to be it let drive, real cruel, - where the boy sat down. The boy he lit in the open door of a house, - and a old man come out and saw the boy, and then he looked all around, - but didnt see nobody else, and then he looked up to the sky and said: - “Heaven be praised, which has sent us a son!”</p> - - <p>But I guess he knew.</p> - - <p>The Bible it says for to be frightful and multiply.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_20">20</span></p> - - <p>When he was movin out of the other house into this one, Billy, thats - my brother, had took a big lookin glass to the wagon and stood it up - against a wheel, and a goat he see himself in the glass, and that was - more than he would stand, so he backed off and took a run and jump with - his head down, like it was a cow catcher on a engine. The glass it was - smashed, but the goat was catched between the spokes of the wheel and - held fast a long time. When he got out he run round to the other side - of the wagon and viewed the land scape oer, and shook his head mighty - brave, like saying: “Well, you got away this time, you ugly feller, but - you wouldnt if it hadnt been for that wagon in the way, and you better - not let me see you in this part of the country again, mister!”</p> - - <p>Goats is mollusks, but the centipede is infantry. The pede is found in - the torpid zone, but the rhi nupple dinkey is a three legger and makes - the welkin ring! Jack Brily, which is the wicked sailor, swears and - chews tobacco, and every thing, says the dink is the gem of the ocean - and can swaller 2 men to once. One day Jack seen a dink a follering the - ship which he worked on, and he told the captain. The captain he said: - “That is mighty mournful, cause the dinky is bad luck unless he is fed - a sailor<span class="pagenum" id="Page_21">21</span> every day. We are 6 days from the port where we are bound - for, and there is just seven of us. The way I figure it out I shall - have to take this ship into port pretty short handed. Go forwerd and - unship the cook.”</p> - - <p>Jack he said: “I, I, sir,” and went and flang the cook over board and - the dink et the cook.</p> - - <p>Next day the captain made Jack thro over the mate, and next day the - carpenter, and the dink et both. Jack he begun for to be mighty - nervous, but on the 4th day, as he was about to heave a able bodied - seaman into the ragin deeps, they sighted a wreck and rescued the crew. - That enabled them for to give the dink 2 men a day and save 4 human - lifes.</p> - - <p>Billy says there isnt any such thing as a rhi nupple dinky, but Jack he - says Billy is prejudiced cause Jacks father is nothing only but just a - humble butcher, but ourn wears a stopipe hat.</p> - - <p>Jack says he pines like a caged eagle on this dull, unchangin shore, - but my sisters young man he says that the briny deep which Jack knows - most about is his fathers barrel of pickled pork. But I know Jack was - one time a pirate, for his arm is tattered red and blue with a picture - of a angel<span class="pagenum" id="Page_22">22</span> and a labm.</p> - - <p>Jakey Epstein, which is the curly headed Jew, he says pork is pizen, - and one day when my sisters young man was eatin a sausage Jakey’s - father he spoke up and sed: “I rather die than eat that.”</p> - - <p>My sisters young man stopt eatin awhile, and looked at him sollem out - of his eyes, and bime by he said: “Ide rather you would.”</p> - - <p>But it is wicked to sass back, for the Bible it says a soft answer - turneth away rats.</p> - - <p>Uncle Ned he said: “Johnny, did I ever tell you about the buttigoat - which had never saw a mule? One day it saw one a standin in the sun, - like it was asleep. The butty it looked awhile and then it walked - around to the last part of the mule, a lookin mighty sly, much as to - say: 'When he cant see me I’ll sock it to him good and plenty.’</p> - - <p>“But the mule knew what was doing, and when the butty tried to sock it - to him he kicked him in the forehead real cruel, and the butty turned a - flip flop and lit on his back with his feets in the air. Bime by he got - up and shook his self, and stomped the ground, and looked at the mule a - long time, which was a chewin his cud real peaceful. After a while the - butty he said to his self: 'Ide like for to know which end that feller<span class="pagenum" id="Page_23">23</span> - buts with. I know which I do by the ache.’”</p> - - <p>The horse is the noblest animal which scours the plain, but the - buttigoat can knock out a dog like the dog hadnt been there, for the - butty was give dominion over the fishes of the sea, and the birds of - the foul air and everything that is born of woman.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_24">24</span> - <h3 id="CATS">CATS</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">A FELLER which had took a unfurnished bed room in a lodgin’ house, he - said one evening to a friend which had called on him: “Now I got my - room, and I have bought this bed and chair, but my money has give out, - wot am I to do for a water pitcher, and a lamp, and a hair brush, and - other little articles of luxury such as a man of refined taste likes to - see about him?”</p> - - <p>Then his friend he spoke up and said: “Just give me that old cat and - come along o me, and we will get all them things mighty quick.”</p> - - <p>So they took the cat into the back yard of a other house and pinned her - tail to a cloes line, where she swung free to the sport of the wind and - owled awful! Then the fellers friend he said: “Now we will get plenty - water jugs, and lamps, and hair brushes, and old shoes, and all things - which is nice. All we got to do is just hide ourselfs till they come - down like manna from Heaven.” </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_25">25</span></p> - - <p>They stayed all night till the cat had singed herself into the better - land and they was most froze, and no manna. While they was a lookin up - to a window a feller in his night shirt opened the window and looked - out for to see the sun rise. Then one of them said to the shirt feller: - “It is a nice mornin, gum dast you!” But the man at the window he didnt - say nothing. So the other feller he hollered: “How do you like music, - old stick-in-the-mud?” but the man didn’t say nothin a other time. Then - the feller which the cat was hisn he shook his two fists real terible - and hollered: “Ile get even on you for this, you darned thief!”</p> - - <p>The man in the house took notice and went away from the window, but - pretty soon come back with a enormous ear trumpet, which he stuck in - his ear and leaned out and shouted: “What?”</p> - - <p>Old Gaffer Peters, which has got the bald head, he had a big Maltese - cat, and the cat had a hole in its ear. One day it come in to Mister - Brilys meat shop, which is the fat butcher, and Jack Brily, he catched - it and shut it up. But first he cut off its ear which had the hole in - it. Bime by Missis Doppy, which is old Gaffer’s daughter and has a red - head, she come in for to buy sausage meat. Jack he sneaked the cat ear<span class="pagenum" id="Page_26">26</span> - into the sausage meat and Missis Doppy she took the meat home, but Jack - he said, just as she left the shop:</p> - - <p>“That is the dandiest sausage meat which we have ever made, you look at - it when you get home, and see if it aint.”</p> - - <p>When she was gone Jack he shut the cat up in the box which catches the - ground up meat as it comes out of the machine, and waited. Pretty soon - Missis Doppy she come boilin in, real furious, and handed back the meat - and showed Jack the cat ear with the hole in it and said: “Young man, - do you know what that is?”</p> - - <p>Jack he looked at it a long time, and then he said: “Looks like it - might maybe be a washer off of some kind of machine. Where did you get it?”</p> - - <p>Missis Doppy said: “I got it out of that meat. You made our cat in to - sausage, you wicked thief!”</p> - - <p>Just then old Mister Brily come in and asked what was up, and while - Missis Doppy was a weepin and sayin what a mean man he was Jack said: - “I dont see how that cat could get in the machine without our guilty - knowledge, lets see if we can find the other ear.”</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_27">27</span></p> - - <p>So he flang open the box of the grinder and the cat jumped out, and - made a dash for the door and most knocked Missis Doppy down and busted - out of the shop like it was a whirl wind, and scampered up the street, - toward home, you never have see such a circus! Missis Doppy she fainted - dead away and Mister Brily he hurled a beef bone at Jack, which dodged - and walked away, a singin about war with its wide dissolution.</p> - - <p>But Mister Pitchel, thats the preacher, he says it is wicked for to - poke fun at the women, cause they cant poke back. Mister Pitchel he can - pray real fine, but if me and Billy was preachers I rather be a pirate - like Rinard the Red Revenger, which declaimed war with the whole world - and had ships and a castle and no goin to school.</p> - - <p>When cats is roarin like distant thunder it makes a feller awful fraid - unless he is a sleepin with his sister.</p> - - <p>The pig it is a native of the Holy Land, and dogs is French, but - cats is known from the earliest times and can pur. Missis Dumberly, - which has eleven children, she was to our house, and she said, Missis - Dumberly did, that she just couldn’t bear cats. Then Uncle Ned he spoke - up<span class="pagenum" id="Page_28">28</span> and said: “That is mighty lucky for the mice.”</p> - - <p>Missy, thats my sister, she doesnt like cats too, but girls is - quadderpeds and cant climb trees, and when they are mad they spit and - swear and hunch their backs up like they was camomiles.</p> - - <p>Cats and taggers is the same thing, only the tagger he is bigger and - can thrash the lion, and is the king of the jingle. If I was a tag - Ide rather be a rhi nosey rose, for the rhi it has got a sticker, and - when it fights the ephalent it jabs its sticker in to the stomach of - the ephs belly. And that is why the cracky dile says: “Suffer little - children to come into me.”</p> - - <p>Ephalents was one time used in battle, but once when the king of Rome - was a chargin with ten thousand hundred ephs the enemies they turned - loose a ton of rats, and the ephs all fled amain as one man! The king - of Romes neck was broke and ephalents have ever since pursued the arts - of peace and eats pea nuts. Mister Jonnice, which has the wood laig, he - was one time a soldier in the war, and thats the way he got it, cause - the enemies they shot it off with cannons for to keep him from runnin - away. But he says he done some mighty good hoppin.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_29">29</span></p> - - <p>Mose, which is the cat, and Bildad, thats the new dog, they are good - friends, but when Mose is give a saucer of milk Bildad he jumps in and - swallers it in 3 or 4 gulps. Then he looks around at Mose, like he was - astonished, and shakes his head, much as to say: “Well, well, if I had - knew there wasnt no milk in that saucer I wouldnt have took the trouble - for to come and see.”</p> - - <p>Bildad has got a bushy tail, and Mose he can blow hisn up like a - balloon wen he is mad, but the Manx cat it hasnt got any. And that - proves that all is for the best, cause man was made in six days and - rested on the 7th and went a fishin.</p> - - <p>When cats fight they spit fire and sword! One night 2 tom cats was - fightin and a woman she put her head out of the window and said to a - police man: “Poor things, why dont you part them, you wicked man?”</p> - - <p>The police man he spoke up and said, the police man did: “I thought of - that, mum, but I guess it aint worth while, cause it looks to me like - they would part one a other.”</p> - - <p>I think he was afraid, but it is nice for to be brave like Billy, which - says if there wasnt any soldiers the Millennium would be upon to us and - we would all have<span class="pagenum" id="Page_30">30</span> to flee to the mountains!</p> - - <p>My sisters young man says that once there was a cat, and there was a - dog, and there was a lamb, and there was a ox. The dog it said to the - ox: “Thats a mighty long tail you got there, mister, with a nice duster - to the end of it, but you cant waggle it when you meet your master - carryin a beef steak.”</p> - - <p>Then the cat it said to the ox, too: “No, indeed, and you cant blow it - up and spit fire wen you meet a other ox.”</p> - - <p>The lamb it said: “And you aint able for to twinkle it when you think - of some thing funny.”</p> - - <p>The ox he thought awhile and then he said: “I played hookey when I was - a little boy so much that I didn’t learn them vain acomplishments, - thats a fact, but I have got a tolerbly fair business education, and I - guess maybe you fellers would have to come to me for to help you out if - you had to fill a order for ox tail soup.”</p> - - <p>Mary, thats the house maid, she has wrote some poetry about cats, which - my mother says is mighty fine. Here it is: </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_31">31</span></p> - - <div class="center-container"> - <div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">The cat it has 4 feet,</div> - <div class="i2">And it has got a tail,</div> - <div class="i0">And purs when you stroke it the right way,</div> - <div class="i2">But beware its toe nail!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">There is nothing beautifuller than cats</div> - <div class="i2">When they are little kits,</div> - <div class="i0">But some day they grow up to be big toms</div> - <div class="i2">And hunches up their backs and spits.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Cats catches mice, which if they wasn’t caught</div> - <div class="i2">Would be drownded in the honey,</div> - <div class="i0">And the preserves, and the jams, and the jellies,</div> - <div class="i2">And maybe poison Billy and Johnny.</div> - </div> - </div> - </div> - - <p>I never have saw such rot, but Uncle Ned he says: “I beg for to remind - you, fair youth, that you have yet to peruse the work of Ella Wheeler - Wilcox.”</p> - - <p>If I was a poet I would not write about spitcats, no, indeed, it would - be all about the eagle, which is the king of beasts and fixes its eye - on to the sun, and soars aloof into the blue imperial, and defies the - lion and her welps!</p> - - <p>Once there was a eagle which was a show, and a man which was to the - show dropped a twenty dollar gold piece and it rolled into the eagles - cage. The eagle it looked at it a while, and called his wife and said, - the eag did: “That feller threw his poker check in here, and I guess he - thought I would swaller it cause it has a chicken<span class="pagenum" id="Page_32">32</span> on one side, but Ide - blush for to have such a nasty lookin rooster cut out of my craw.”</p> - - <p>My sisters young man he says when he was a boy and went to school him - and a other boy had a readin lesson about animals. The teacher, which - was near sighted, he had lost his spettacles and couldn’t tell one word - from a other, and they knew it. So when they stood up for to read, my - sisters young man he begun and said: “The cat is the loftiest centipede - which sweeps the horizon and scowers the plain.”</p> - - <p>The teacher he said: “What’s that, whats that?”</p> - - <p>Then my sisters young man he looked at the book, real atentive and said - it again. The teacher he said: “Lemmy see that book, youngster, just - lemmy see it.”</p> - - <p>When he got the book he poked his long nose in it and pretended for to - read, and then he scratched his head where it didn’t itch and told the - other boy to go on and read too. The other boy he looked at the book - and said, like he was readin: “The cat is found in every country of the - globe, but it likes republics the best, and when it soars aloft the - nations of the earth tremble so that you can see them shake.”</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_33">33</span></p> - - <p>The teacher looked at the book a other time, close to, but bime by he - give it back and said, the teacher did: “Young men, that readin lesson - looks to the yuman eye jest like it has looked for twenty years, but I - guess I have got to get some spettacles for my ears.”</p> - - <p>But the ears of the jackus are a spettacle their selves, for the jack - he is a bird of bray.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_34">34</span> - <h3 id="THE_CRANE">THE CRANE</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">I ASKED Uncle Ned what makes the crane stand on one foot for to - sleep, and he spoke up and said: “Johnny, you have opened the door of - optunity to my waitin soul and I will come out into the light and make - everything clear.</p> - - <p>“One day in the Garden of Eden Adam he see a lot of animals playin. - There was all your old friends, the ephalent, the lion, the tagger, - the hi potamus, the giraft, the kangaroon, the rhi naughty furious and - some of the little fellers. Adam he looked on a while, real sad, for - he knew, Adam did, that some day they would be tearin one a other to - rags and sheddin gore excessive, such being the ordained consquences of - his own sins. Bime by he flang away his gloomy reflections and said: - 'You fellers is mighty playful, but you are terible clumsy. I bet there - isn’t one of you which can stand on one laig.’</p> - - <p>“They all tried, but they fell every time. Then the crane, which was - a standin by a pond a little way off, talkin to a frog, he tossed his - bill up, real<span class="pagenum" id="Page_35">35</span> contemptible, and strutted in to their midst, and liftin - up one leg stood on the other like a statute.</p> - - <p>“Adam he looked a while and then he said: 'Impudence is the king of - badfulness. The athletical test which I proposed was for quadpeds, and - any gam doodled creepin thing which butts in takes his life in his - hand, for I am give dominion over all the beasts of the field, and all - the fishes of the sea, and all the birds of the foul air, and every - thing which was made in 6 days.’</p> - - <p>“The crane tossed his head scornful and said: 'We have had all that - before; give us a rest.’</p> - - <p>“Adam he said: 'Motion is the mother of fatigue. You jest stand like - you are till tomorrow morning and maybe you will be rested.’</p> - - <p>“So the crane he had to do it, and it made him so tired out that to - this day he sleeps frequent, and he always has to do it on one laig. - And that ought to teach little boys for to not butt in.”</p> - - <p>When Uncle Ned had told me a bout the crane I asked him did he know - what makes the loon laugh.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_36">36</span></p> - - <p>He said: “Yes, indeed, Ime jest the feller which can whack up the - desired infmation, to the queens taste. Most peoples they think it - is because he has a comical disposition, but they are mistook, for - generally speakin he is the solemest aquatical bird which sails the - seas over, but he is cursed with a fatal memory.</p> - - <p>“One time, a little while after the world was made, Adam and Eve was - a sittin by the side of a lake, and there was a loon hid in the reeds - which grew in the water. Adam he held Eves hand, and stroked it, and - patted her on the shoulder, and ran his fingers through her hair, and - done all them things which crazy folks do and sensible fellers like me - and you dont understand. Bime by Eve she up and said: 'Adam, do you - love me?’</p> - - <p>“Adam he said, Adam did: 'How couldnt I, when you are the sweetest - woman in the world?’</p> - - <p>“Eve she smiled real bright, and after a while she said a other time: - 'Forgive me, dearest, if I pain you, but I have been worryin so much - about some thing. Was you ever in love before?’</p> - - <p>“Adam he look at her real solem out of his eyes, and then he rose his - right hand up and said: 'No, darling, I swear it, never till I met - you.’</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_37">37</span></p> - - <p>“Then Eve she snuggled down close to him and murmured: 'O Adam, it - gives me such joy for to hear you say that!’</p> - - <p>“It give the loon joy too, and his laughture rang out over the waters, - loud and shrill and echo answered from the hill. And to this day he - laughs whenever he thinks of the women folks.”</p> - - <p>But if me and Billy had been there we would have ringed the loons neck, - cause the Bible it says that scoffers shall be casted into Abrahams - bosom. Loons is mammals, and the walrus is poultry, and cracky diles is - ally gaters, and the camel is the sheep of the desert and is hunted for - its plumes. And thats why I say how wonderful is the works of Man!</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_38">38</span> - <h3 id="THE_SNAKE">THE SNAKE</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">THE fish is a animal and the bird is a beast, but snakes is a fo to - man. The snake he is the same as serpents, only he hasnt no feets, and - that makes him mad and he bites every thing which is in the world. - Snakes is pizen, but the hog he says: “I dont care, it wont do you any - good for to bite me.”</p> - - <p>Then the snake he says: “It dont do me no good for to bite any kind of - feller, that aint why I do it, I aint selfish.”</p> - - <p>So he whacks away at the hog and hollers hooray! But the hog he catches - him by the middle and makes 2 snakes of him in a minute and says: “I’m - pretty bitey my self, thank you.”</p> - - <p>Hogs is pork, but Jakey Epstein he says he would rather be one than - eat one. But give me a sucker nice roasted, with plenty mashed - potatoes, and apple sauce, and pickles, and hot cakes, and mince pie, - and walnuts, and you will see a boy which knows his own mind. Hogs is - bristly, but the ally gater has notches in the spine<span class="pagenum" id="Page_39">39</span> of his back and - eats niggers.</p> - - <p>Uncle Ned, which has been in Indy and every where, he says the Gangee - river is over flowin with gaters, and one time he see a gater a lyin - on the bank asleep, and he told his servant, which was a natif nigger: - “Take a ax and chop up that dead tree into stove wood,” cause thats - what Uncle Ned thought it was. The servant he thought so too and said: - “Yessir,” and Uncle Ned he went away to shoot rabbits in the jingle. - When he come back he went in the bungaloo and found the servant covered - up nice and warm in bed. Uncle Ned said: “You lazy feller, did you chop - up that log, like I told you?”</p> - - <p>The feller he said: “I tried to, sir, but it come to life.”</p> - - <p>Uncle Ned he spoke up, real sarcastical, and said: “O sure, and I - suppose it put forth some limbs, didnt it?”</p> - - <p>The feller said: “Yessir, it put forth some on each side.”</p> - - <p>Uncle Ned said a other time: “It blossomed too, maybe.”</p> - - <p>The nigger feller said: “Yessir, bout 3 feet wide, you ought to have - saw it open like it was a morning glory!”</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_40">40</span></p> - - <p>Then Uncle Ned, which was still ironical, he said: “Did it take root?”</p> - - <p>The nigger feller thought a while and then he said: “I was a bit upset - and can’t recollect that it took any thing only but jest my laig.”</p> - - <p>But if a gater wanted Billys laig he would cut its head off with a long - sword and say: “That will teach you for to not ask for it, cause I want - it to go to school with.” Billy is the bravest boy he ever saw, and - licks Sammy Doppy every little while.</p> - - <p>A other time in Indy Uncle Ned was a walkin in the jingle and a long - slender snake jumped at him and bit him on the hand and ran away. Then - Uncle Ned he run as hard as he could for to get home and die in the - bosom of his club. While he was a runnin and a prayin for his sins to - be forgave he see a natif nigger a sittin by the road side, and the - natif nigger had three jest such snakes twisted all round his naked - arms and bitin, real cruel, but he had got all their tails into one hand.</p> - - <p>Then Uncle Ned he stopped and said: “Poor feller, I have been bit too. - As there isnt any hope for us now, we will sell our lifes as dear as we - can to<span class="pagenum" id="Page_41">41</span> them deadly cobrys.”</p> - - <p>So he threw off his coat and pitched in and grabbed the snakes tails - too. Then the native nigger he sed: “Thankee, sir, I guess we will be - able for to manage them now. There is to be a party tonight, and I have - been tryin for more than half a hour to braid these fellers into a - necklace for the stomach of my wife’s belly, but they are so squirmy I - thought I would have to give it up.”</p> - - <p>Uncle Ned he was a stonished, and he said: “What! isnt them reptiles pizen?”</p> - - <p>The natif nigger he said: “How can I know? Do you suppose I ever et one?”</p> - - <p>One day my father he spoke up and said: “Johnny, did you ever hear - about the good man which found a frozen snake and warmed it in his - bosom, and when the snake got nice and comftable it bit him?”</p> - - <p>I said: “Yessir, every fool has heard about that.”</p> - - <p>Then my father he said: “My boy, the goodness isnt all on one side, for - one time a snake found a man which was cold, and the snake warmed the - man in its bosom too.”</p> - - <p>Then I said: “What did the man do when he had got the chill off him?” </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_42">42</span></p> - - <p>My father he said: “Well, Johnny, he digested.”</p> - - <p>Once there was a big snake which was a show, and the show man he put a - dog in the cage for the snakes dinner. The dog he looked at the snake a - while, and then he said: “That is the biggest sausage that I ever saw. - I dont believe it could be et all to one meal by any dog which roams - the palmy plain.”</p> - - <p>But bime by he was et his own self, and when he was nice swallered the - snake he wank his eye, and said to his self: “The man which invented - self stuffin sausages wasnt no friend to dogs.”</p> - - <p>A other snake which was a show swallered its blanket, and when the show - man missed it he said, the show man did: “Ide jest like to catch the - gum dasted thief which steals folkses bed clothes!”</p> - - <p>He give the snake a other blanket, but watched for to catch the thief. - When he see the snake a swollerin that one he went and fetched a pillow - and threw it to the snake and said: “If you are makin up your bed for - to sleep in side your self you will need this, and when you have turned - in I will pass down a hot water bottle for your feets, and make you - comftable. What time would you like to be woke in the mornin?”</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_43">43</span></p> - - <p>Snakes eats hop toads and snaps at the hand which feeds it, but dogs - is all rite. Snakes skins their selfs once a year, and one time me and - Mister Brily, thats the fat butcher, we see one do it. When it was all - done Mister Brily he said to the snake, Mister Brily did: “So far, so - good, my fine feller, but how are you goin to get your innards out - unless you got a knife?”</p> - - <p>The boa conscripter is a snake, but the rattler he makes the welkin - ring! I asked Uncle Ned what was snakes made for, and he said: “I dont - know, Johnny, honest, I didnt have nothing to do with it, but bein a - mighty eloquent speecher I flatter my self I have made a shoreless sea - of Demcrats. Your honorable father, which is a Repubcan, like you, he - says that is about the same thing, but he is a child of darkness and - disdain. I can tell you, though, about the snakes in the Garden of - Eden, all exceptin the one which was tempted by Eve. When they had all - been made, Adam he called them together and give them their names, and - then he waved his arms and said: 'Now go 4th into all the waste places - of the earth and multiply.’ </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_44">44</span></p> - - <p>“They all slided away only but jest one, which lay still and shook its - head, real sad. Then Adam he said: 'Why dont you do as I said? Off with - you to once!’</p> - - <p>“But the snake, it spoke up and sed, the snake did: 'If you please, - sir, Ime willing to go 4th, but I cant multiply. Ime a adder. You told - me so your self.’”</p> - - <p>I asked Uncle Ned what makes the rattler have rattles, and he said: - “Johnny, he doesnt. That is a optical delusion due to idleness in the - observer. What they mistake for rattles is the last joints of the - spine of his back bone, and it come about this way. The rattler he was - created so ugly that it strangled him for to look at his self, and when - he drew near any thing for to be sociable it fled amain. Well, one day - in the Garden of Eden, he shedded his skin like all snakes had been - told to do, and a other snake it shedded its skin too. So the rattler - he backed into the other snakes skin for to hide his ugly, but it was - too short, so the rattler bit off a inch or two and let a few joints of - the spine of his back stick out, and they rattle when he shakes with - fright, which is frequent. What scares him the worst is when a boy is - about to step on him with bare feets. Johnny, you should be kind to the - poor rattler and not step on it if there is plenty of room.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_45">45</span></p> - - <p>“And now, my lad, I will tell you about a feller which drinked whiskey, - which is equal bad. Me and the feller and a doctor was a campin in - the forest, and the doctor had brought along a jug of whisky for to - cure snake bites. One day him and me went out for to shoot bears, and - when we come home to camp the feller he was lyin down in the tent, so - dead drunk that he didn’t know a thing and was to the point of death! - Johnny, it is awful to see a drinkard when he is himself, so I tore my - hair and bewailed loud and shrill, but the doctor he sat down for to - think, and bime be he said: 'I got it, I got it!’</p> - - <p>“Then he rushed away into the jingle, and pretty soon he come back - with a rattler in the end of a long split stick, which he poked at - the feller and it bit him many a time and oft. Johnny, it sounds like - a mystery, and I wouldn’t ask you to believe it if I didnt tell it - myself, but them snake bites they beat the fell intent of that whisky, - for the feller he sprang up and evanished into the bosky fastness, and - is now holdin a office of trust and profit in Kansas.”</p> - - <p>I asked Uncle Ned what became of the rattler, and he said, Uncle Ned - did: “Thats a mighty sad story, Johnny,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_46">46</span> and I don’t like to dwell up - on it. We took the snake outside the tent and let it go, and the first - thing it done was to tie itself in a double bow knot and stick the ends - through. Then it raveled it self out, and stood on its head, and waved - its tail in air, and said it was the Queen of Sheby.”</p> - - <p>Injins eats snakes, but give me a pie, with lots of spice, and a apple - dumplin, and some stewed squash, and plenty spunge cake, and a lot of - sossage, and some more spunge cake, and some pickles, and all I can eat - of chicken gizards, which is the stuff of life!</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_47">47</span> - <h3 id="FROGS">FROGS</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">FROGS was one time catter pillers. When you have et a catter in your - salad it would have been a frog if you didnt. A feller named Esop says - there was a ox which tried for to be a frog and busted. If it didnt - bust it would have et hay and hooked and give milk. The best place to - find frogs is after a rain, but they jump before you can get your hands - on them, and them which dont will slip through your fingers like they - was buttered, but when they fall on the ground you can see their white - bellies if you look real quick.</p> - - <p>One night there was a lot of frogs in a lake, and there was a fire - on the shore, and they all stuck their heads up for to see the fire, - and the water froze, and when they tried to take their heads in they - couldnt. So they held a council, and each laid his views before the - king frog, which was in the middle, and there was jest as many plans - for freein the whole lot as there was frogs which couldnt move a inch. - The king he didnt say nothing, but looked mighty wise. When the sun - melted them out in the mornin <span class="pagenum" id="Page_48">48</span>they said: “What a good and wise king we - have, for to get us out of trouble! Let us go and thank him.”</p> - - <p>But when they went to thank him they couldn’t find nothing to thank, - only but jest his head, for a cat fish had bit off the king’s body - early in the session. Then they said the king had died for his peoples.</p> - - <p>Uncle Ned he said, Uncle Ned did: “Johnny, frogs is fine and gay, but - the batrakian is a monster of the ocean blue. He has a mouth like a - cavern in a hill, and a eye accordin. He is green as a meadow in spring - time, exceptin the stomach of his belly, which is as the winter land - scope. His voice is like the music of a saw mill and nations hear - entranced. When he arises in his wrath his course is as the eagles - flight, and when he revisits the earth whence he sprang from, the - waters receive him with a roar which makes the heavens be mute!”</p> - - <p>Then I spoke up and said: “Thats what a frog does too.”</p> - - <p>Uncle Ned he said: “All animated nature has points of resemble. The - postage stamp is like the sword fish, cause it is a sticker, the polly - wog is like the feller which writes short stories, cause his tail<span class="pagenum" id="Page_49">49</span> is - not to be continued, and the wife is like the tagger, cause she roars - like distant thunder. I forgot to tell you that the batrakian is a - hunch back, but it isn’t good luck for to touch his hunch, for you - will get your feets wet if you try to, for he is the slickest citizen - you ever seen and departs this life for a other and wetter world at a - moments notice, automattical.”</p> - - <p>I said: “Thats like frogs too.”</p> - - <p>Uncle Ned he looked mighty hurt and shook his head, and bime by said: - “Johnny, you got a bad habit of interruptin for to say some fool thing - just as a feller is gettin truly eloquent, but since you mention frogs - I will tell you a story.</p> - - <p>“One time a feller from Kansas was casted away on the coast of New - Jersey and was a starvin, when he found a bushel of oysters and sat - down for to eat them every little bit up. Then he see a native nigger a - little way off, a sittin by a fire, and went to him for to be sociable, - takin the oysters along. The native nigger was cookin frogs, and he - said, real polite: 'Have some.’</p> - - <p>“The Kansas feller he said: 'What! are you going to eat them gum dasted - reptiles?’ </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_50">50</span></p> - - <p>“The native nigger said: 'Pardon me, they are very good, what are you - eatin your self?’</p> - - <p>“The feller pointed to the oysters, and the nig turned white like he - was a sheet and said: 'O Lordy, take them nasty things out of my sight, - or I shall die of the flops!’</p> - - <p>“Then the Kansas feller he said: 'I cant take them away, nor eat them - either, cause the sight of your diet has give me the colly wobbles in - my lap!’</p> - - <p>“In a low green valley where the jay bird sings his requiem by the sad - sea waves 2 grassy mounds mark the spot where these beautiful youths - perished in their prides, each poisoned by the vituals that he didn’t - eat. Let it teach you, my boy, for to not despise any food which a - bountiful Providence has supplied for to sustain the lifes of his - meanest cretures.”</p> - - <p>But if it was me and Billy we would et the oysters and give the frogs - to the poor, cause frogs is fossils, but oysters is pork and makes the - face of man to shine!</p> - - <p>Oysters is natives of the tropics, and is found only in high latitudes, - but the rhi nosey rose is a brother to the ox.</p> - - <p>Mister Brily, which is the fat butcher, he can slaughter a ox real - fine, and his son Jack, which is the wicked<span class="pagenum" id="Page_51">51</span> sailor, says it was the - sight of the beautiful blood that made him be a pirate. If I had saw - Jack a piratin I would rang out my voice across the billows and said: - “Heave too, you naughty man, or I will belch 4th a broad side this minute!”</p> - - <p>Then Jack would come to my ship, mighty pale and trembly, and I would - embrue my hands in his gore!</p> - - <p>I asked Uncle Ned what for the bull frog had sech a horse voice and he - said: “One day in the Garden of Eden, when Adam was passin by a pond, - he heard a voice a singin sweet and clear, like a lark at the dawning - of the day. He looked a long time, and bime by he seen the bull frogs - head stickin out of the pond, and it was it singin. But Adam he said: - 'Here, you, what for did you play truant wen I was naming all the - animals? You come right out of that and be give a name.’</p> - - <p>“So the singster come out on the bank and Adam named it bulbul frog, - cause bulbul means nightingale, and then Adam said: 'I cant deny my - self the happiness to hear you sing some more.’</p> - - <p>“The bulbul frog it started for to sing again, but it couldn’t utter a - note, only but jest a harsh croak, for<span class="pagenum" id="Page_52">52</span> it had took cold by comin out - of the water in to the sun shine. Then Adam said: 'I was mistook. I - thought it was you which I heard singin before. Ime sorry I give you - that name, or named you at all, for not any name is bad enough for a - feller with a voice like that.’</p> - - <p>“So Adam he kicked it clear into the middle of the pond, but it has the - cold to this day.”</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_53">53</span> - <h3 id="DOGS">DOGS</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">DOGS is many kinds, but the Newfoundlin feller is the king of the ocean - and saves babies from bein drowned in the briny deeps. The spotty one - which has the swear name he trots along under his masters coach, and - when a man is run over he finishes him. The dog is called a quinine for - to distinguish him from the fox, which is a squid. Dogs is desiduous, - for they have got 4 feets and leaps from crag to crag. When some feller - is a dyin the dog howls mornful, but the under taker he says the - doctrin of mortality is a sublime faith.</p> - - <p>One time there was a dog which hadnt any tail, cause it was cut off, - but its naughty for to cut them off, for the Bible it says: “Him that - sheddeth his brothers bleed his own bleed shall be sheddeth.” There was - a other dog which had a long slick tail, like a whip lash, and thems - the jockies for me. The dog which had a tail it said to the dog which - didn’t: “When your master gives you a bone what do you waggle?” </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_54">54</span></p> - - <p>The other one he said: “I waggle the bone.”</p> - - <p>Then the tail feller said: “When he kicks you for bein so ugly what - have you for to put between your legs to show that your feel is hurt?”</p> - - <p>The bob feller said: “I put half a mile between my legs and hisn, what - more could I want, exceptin, maybe, the other half of the mile?”</p> - - <p>The dog which had the tail it thought a while and then it wiggled its - ear, much as to say: “This cripple hasnt any tail, but he has got a - head thats no mere toy.” But pretty soon he began for to smile, and - bime by said: “What have you for the boys to tie a tin can onto?”</p> - - <p>Then the other one shook his head, real sad and said: “You got the - advantage of me there, thats a fact. This no tail of mine is jest as - good as any for business, but in matters of pleasure and sociableness - it fails lamentable!”</p> - - <p>One time in Mexico, where the dogs dont have no hair, there was a - traveler, and he called his man and said: “James,” for that was his - mans name, “Ime going for to adopt the fashion of the country. You take - my dog and shave it all over, every little bit of hair off.” </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_55">55</span></p> - - <p>James said he would, but he was afraid the dog would bite him, so he - swopped it off for a Mexican dog, same size, and took that one to his - master, which said: “What a difference that makes! It looks almost like - a other dog.”</p> - - <p>Pretty soon after, the traveler took a walk down town, mighty proud of - his fashionble dog, which James led with a string. Bime by they come to - a Mexican man sittin in a open door hollerin: “Walk up, gents, walk up, - only ten cents for to see the show, walk up!”</p> - - <p>When the new dog heard the show man it busted away from James, like it - was shot out of a cannon, and jumped right onto the show man, tickled - most to death to see him, cause he was its old master. The show man he - hollered wild and shouted: “Outch, outch! Your savage dog has bit me - cruel, and I got a large family to suport!”</p> - - <p>The traveler said to James: “Take the dog home this minute, shavin has - spoiled its temper.”</p> - - <p>When the dog had gone he said to the man which had the big, helpless - family: “Dont cry, my good feller, heres 10 dollars for you, what have - you got in your<span class="pagenum" id="Page_56">56</span> show?”</p> - - <p>The show man he said: “Walk right in and see, sir, you are on the free - list cause you paid me for my awful pain.”</p> - - <p>The traveler he went in the show, and there wasn’t any thing to see - only but jest his old dog, which was in a cage, and there was a sign - board which said in big black letters:</p> - - <div class="center lh1"> - The Wonderful Canine Miracle!<br /> - Exibited before the Queen of England<br /> - and all the<br /> - Principal Nobobs.<br /> - Native of Japan, Where It was Brought From<br /> - in 2 Ships by<br /> - The Empror Maximilian.<br /> - The only Dog in the World which<br /> - has got Hair! - </div> - - <p>Mister Gipple he says that one time he had a mighty homely dog and the - dogs name was Calamity. One day Mister Gipple was took sick and sent - for the doctor and when the doctor had come in and said “Good mornin, - I hope you are well,” Calamity came in too. Mister Gipple, for to be - playful, said: “Doctor, what will you give me for my dog?” </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_57">57</span></p> - - <p>The doctor he looked at Calamity a while, real thoughtful, and then he - said: “I will give you some thing for your leprosy if you have it, but - I dont think I have any medicine strong enough to cure you of that dog. - I am a old doctor, but I never have seen such awful symptoms.”</p> - - <p>My father, which is absent minded and cant see very well when he has - left his spettacles in his other coat, he was a walkin, my father was, - and there was a big dog which he was acquainted with. It was chewin - a short stick, which was in the corner of its mouth, like it was a - cigar. When my father see the stick in the dogs mouth he took the cigar - that he was smokin his self, and knocked off the ashes with his little - finger, and held it down to the dog and said: “Have a light?”</p> - - <p>But when the dog didn’t do any thing my father seen what a jackus he - had made of his self, and he got red in the face like he was a rose, - and made a bow and said: “O, I beg your pardon.”</p> - - <p>My father he is a Repubcan, jest like me, but Uncle Ned says Repubcans - is engaged in a nofarious conspuracy for to over throw the liberty of - the peoples and prevent him bein a post master.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_58">58</span></p> - - <p>One day my sisters young man, wich hates dogs, he was goin along the - street, and there was a woman and a little wooly dog. When he come up - behind for to pass them the dog it dropped back and made a face at him, - which made him awful mad, so he kicked it way up in the air, like it - was a bird, and it sang like eagles as it flew. The woman surveyed its - flight with horrify, and when it come down on the other side the street - she turned around for to sass some body, but my sisters young man he - was mighty absorbed in a news paper. But the woman she said: “You aint - no gentle man!”</p> - - <p>He looked up, awful innocent and real hurt, and said: “Why not?”</p> - - <p>Then the woman she hestated and stamered and blushed, but bime by said: - “Because you read news papers in the public street, and that isnt good - manners.”</p> - - <p>So he folded the paper real careful up and put it in his pocket and - said: “I beg your pardon, madam, I was only but jest glancin at the - semi annual report of the Society for Entertainin Heavenly Visitants - When They Light on this Mundane Sphere, cause I am the presider of it. - I think I jest now saw one of them fellers light right<span class="pagenum" id="Page_59">59</span> over there. I - go for to seek my duty.”</p> - - <p>Then he crossed to the other side of the street, where the wooly dog - had come down in the weeds and was lost to view, and the woman she said - she never in all her life!</p> - - <p>But if he would kick Bildad, thats our new dog, Bildad would rend him - limb from limb, for Bil he is the king of beasts, and is give dominion - over every creepy thing.</p> - - <p>Dogs live to a green old age and are much esteemed, but hogs waller, - and Mister Pitchel, which is the preacher, he prays and takes up a - colection. And thats why the Bible it says be of good cheer, for ye - shall all be casted into the lake of fire and brim stone.</p> - - <p>One day a womans dog it bit a tramp and she said: “Poor feller, Ime so - sorry my dog et you.”</p> - - <p>The tramp he said: “Thats all right, lady, I et his brother.”</p> - - <p>When a dog waggles his tail, that makes him happy, but when a man is - happy he shakes hands and stomps on his hat. Every boy ought to have a - dog, cause boys are masculine, but girls are efemeral.</p> - - <p>There was a man had a dog which was a biter, the dog was, and one day - it bit the butcher which brought the <span class="pagenum" id="Page_60">60</span>meat. So when the butcher come - with the meat next day he brought along a ox liver and threw it to the - dog and said: “You eat that and let honest folks be.”</p> - - <p>But the liver was so bad the dog wouldn’t eat it and slank into its - kennel and the butch he went away. Bime by the man which had the dogs - wife she come out for to feed the chickens and she see the liver. So - she called the man which had the dog, and rang her hands and said: “O - Jacob, some thing awful has happened!”</p> - - <p>The man which had the dog he could smell the liver, and he said: “It is - a happenin now.”</p> - - <p>But his wife she weeped and said the dog had tore the butcher every - little tiny bit up. Then the dog sticked its head out of the kennel and - waggled its ear, much as to say: “You dont see no signs of a streggle, - do you?”</p> - - <p>Then the butch he come back along the road, and the woman she see him. - She was furious mad and she said to her husband: “Jacob Brown, if you - cant think of nuthing better to do than harrow your wifes feelins - up mornin, noon and night, jest for to go and tell it to your low - drinkard<span class="pagenum" id="Page_61">61</span> friends, I am a goin home to my mother.”</p> - - <p>Uncle Ned he says they are all jest like that, but my sisters young man - says she is different. He says the yuman eye is the mirror of the soul - and when he looks in to hern he sees a holy angel. Then she is happy.</p> - - <p>The colly is a dog of great inteligence and folds up the sheeps, but - when the ole ram shakes his head and stomps his feets the colly says: - “I guess I will knock off work now, for I have got the wobbles real bad.”</p> - - <p>Then the sheepherd he kicks the colly, and the ole ram he buts the - sheepherd, and the little labms they gambol on the game.</p> - - <p>A man in Indy he lived in a lonely cabin in the jingle, and one dark - night he was woke up by a awful poundin on his door and loud calls for - help. When he opened the door a feller he jumped in and closed it and - held it fast and hollered: “Keep him out, keep him out!”</p> - - <p>The house man he lit a candle, and said what under the sun, and - goodness gracious, and for the lands sake, and whats up?</p> - - <p>The scary feller he said: “Its a tagger, thats whats up! He was a - lurkin around your door, and spranged at my throat, but I clutched him - and flang him afar.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_62">62</span> Jest look at the fur which I tored out of him!”</p> - - <p>The house feller he looked real close, and then he said, the house - feller did: “My friend, that is wool off of my pet lam.”</p> - - <p>The other chap spoke up and said: “Thats jest it, thats jest it! I - renched it out of the taggers teeths. You better go out to once and rub - some hair restorer on to your gum dasted lam.”</p> - - <p>Then he said good night and went away fearless in to the jingle.</p> - - <p>Mister Pitchel, thats the preacher, he says a naughty boy tied a tin - can to a dogs tail and the dog it ran through a Sunday school, in at - one door and out at a other, howlin like its heart was broke, and the - boys all jumped up and hollered hooray! Then Mister Pitchel he spoke up - and said: “My children, it is wicked for to cheer, cause the boy which - done that will come to a bad end.”</p> - - <p>Then a old deacon he said: “I guess thats so, but it looks like the dog - would get there first.”</p> - - <p>Uncle Ned he said: “Johnny, when the dox hoond was created it was a - roly poly feller, like a foot ball. One day Adam he told it for to go - and round up the rhi nosey rose, and the hi potamus, and<span class="pagenum" id="Page_63">63</span> the beasts - of the field, and the fools of the air, and the fishes of the sea, and - bring them in for to be give their names. And Adam he added: 'Dont be - long about it.’</p> - - <p>“But the dox, which was lazy, said to itself: 'Ile be as long as I please.’</p> - - <p>“Adam over heard it, and called the dox back and said: 'On the - contrary, you will be as long as I please.’</p> - - <p>“Then the dox hoond it begun for to shrink at the equater and grow at - the poles, and bime by it was as it is saw to-day, a towerin horizontle - monument to the sin of dissobedience.”</p> - - <p>Mister Gipple he was a missionnary preacher in Madgigasker, and one - time it was Sunday. Mister Gipple is a good man and he said he would - go to church. So he went, and there was ten thousand hundred natif - niggers, all worshipin a big wood idol, which was the ugliest thing he - ever seen. Mister Gipple he was just a goin for to tell them it was - wicked to worship sech a homely god, when he see his big yellow stump - tail bull dog walk into the church and sit down longside the idol - and look his worst. Then the king of the natif niggers he come over - to Mister Gipple and nudged him and said: “See here, you ungrateful - feller, I been mighty<span class="pagenum" id="Page_64">64</span> nice to you, and give you a dozen wives, and - made you a duke, and let you wear a pecox feather, and havnt threw up - your color to you, nor et you. But there cant be only but jest one - religion here, and if you dont take that gum dasted god of yourn out of - this diocese Ile cut his ears off!”</p> - - <p>I asked Uncle Ned why dogs has a tail, and he said, Uncle Ned did: “The - first one, which was created in six days, hadnt one. It was a bull dog, - like the one that Mister Gipple has told you of. One day Adam met the - bull dog and said, mighty polite; 'Good mornin.’</p> - - <p>“The bull said: 'Good mornin your self, I am glad to see you.’</p> - - <p>“Adam said: 'You dont look it, you are the maddest lookin feller which - I ever met. Why dont you smile?’</p> - - <p>“So the bull dog braced his self against a tree and drew a deep breathe - and smiled. Johnny, if you have ever had the bad luck for to see a bull - dog smile I neednt dwell on that painful perform. Adam he jumped back - out of range and said: 'Is that the best that you can do?’ </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_65">65</span></p> - - <p>“The bull he answered: 'Yessir, but I could do better if I had more teeths.’</p> - - <p>“Adam said: 'I guess there aint any more.’</p> - - <p>“Then he thought a while, and bime by said: 'Ole man, if you will - promise not to smile any more only but jest when you are furious mad I - will give you some thing for to xpress your lighter emotions with and - draw the observers atention away from where you look like you have a - grouch.’</p> - - <p>“The dog said it was a whack and Adam give him a tail for to waggle - when feelin good. But mostly man kind believes the tail is lying, and - cuts it off.”</p> - - <p>Taggers is cats and birds is reptiles, but the dog is a manual and - brings forth his young alive.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_66">66</span> - <h3 id="THE_PIG">THE PIG</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">PIGS is from ancient times. When a pig is fed it slobbers. But my - father he says that when you are a going to be killed in the fall of - the year whats the use of bein a gentleman jest for such a little time? - Some pigs which go to fairs are so fat that you cant tell which is the - head till you set down a bucket of slops, and then the end which swings - around and points at it like a campus, that is it.</p> - - <p>One time a feller was drivin a pig through our town with a string tied - to one of its hind feets. The feller fastened the string to a telegraph - pole and went in a saloon for to get some beer, and Jack Brily he let - the pig loose and tied a smoked ham in its place. When the feller come - out he untied the string from the telegraph pole and wound it around - his wrist, and then he looked in the weeds for his pig. He looked at - the ham, and then he looked up at the telgraph wire, and then he said: - “Lectricity is gum dasted fire! Ide jest like to get my hands on to the - man which sent that last dispatch!”</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_67">67</span></p> - - <p>One day a boy which went in a butcher shop had busted a button off his - jacket and was playin with it. He snapt it in some sossage meat and - then he didnt dare to ask for it out. Next day the boys father was to - the butchers house for dinner and they had sossage, cause the butcher - he knew the boys father was crazy fond of it, but the boys father he - got the brass button in his mouth. He took it out and looked at it a - long time, and then he said: “Excuse me, but where did you get the pig - which this sausage is made out of?”</p> - - <p>The butch he said: “I disremember.”</p> - - <p>Then the man he weeped and said, a other time: “Excuse me, but I guess - you got the wrong pig by the ear and have chopt up my little Charley.”</p> - - <p>The butch he was astonish, but he thought the man was crazy and must - be yumored, so he said, the butch did: “Thats a fact, but it was a - mistake, and if you wont say nothing about it I will give you a other - boy.”</p> - - <p>The man he brightend up and said: “Thats pretty fair, but excuse me, - fore we talk business I will jest help my self to a other plate of this - one.” </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_68">68</span></p> - - <p>Big pigs is hogs and the she one is a sow, but if I was a hog Ide look - a little higher for a wife, cause the Bible it says they shall be one - flesh.</p> - - <p>Mister Gipple which was one time a missionary preacher in Afca, he - said: “Johnny, di ever tell you about Mumboogla?”</p> - - <p>I said no he didnt, and he said: “Mumboogla has ten thousand hundred - folks and is noted for its king, which is the fattest and blackest in - the world. When I went there for to spread the light the king he sent - for me and said: 'What new fangle religion is this which you are a - preachin?’</p> - - <p>“I xpounded the livin faith to him a long while and he listened mighty - polite, but when I had got done he spoke up and said, the king did: 'If - you had come last week I would have made all my peoples be Christians, - but it is too late, for the scales have fell from our eyes and we are - now worshipers of the Ever Lastin Truth!’</p> - - <p>“Then the king called his high priest and said: 'Take this feller and - show him the Ever Lastin Truth.’</p> - - <p>“So the high he took me and shaved my head and washed me with rose - water and anointed my whiskers with oil of hummin birds and put a nice - new breech cloth on me and led me to the temple.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_69">69</span> Then he told me for - to crawl on the stomach of my belly under a star spangle curtain, and - there in the dim religious light of tallow candles held by 3 other - priests was the Ever Lastin Truth! Johnny, it was jest a great big, - shovel nose, screw tail, razor back Arkansaw hog!</p> - - <p>“I never felt so insulted in my life, but the Bible it says blessed - are the meek, for they shall inhabit the earth. I arose my self up to - my full statute and said: 'Is it possible that you heathens in your - blindnesses worship that gum dasted reptile?’</p> - - <p>“The high he said: 'We sure do, cause it is a god.’</p> - - <p>“I said how did he know it was, and he said: 'Cause it is the only one - which is in the world. One night last week it come ashore in the howlin - of the storm and stampeeded a whole village. Then it put the kings - army to flight and et a major general. Then it turned to and licked a - rhi nosey rose, 3 taggers and a cracky dile, and after dessolatin 7 - provinches with fire and sword, it moved on the capital with measured - tread, and pausin a while for to scratch it self against the great Idol - of Hope and Slaughter, it entered the Temple of Black Despair, and - puttin both fore feets in the never failin<span class="pagenum" id="Page_70">70</span> fountain of maidens blood, - drinked it every drop up. By all them signs, which my holy office - enabled me to interpret, I knew it wasnt a yuman being, but a awful - god, and the king done the rest.’</p> - - <p>“Then, Johnny, I remembered that a ship from Peory, Illinoy, was over - due at Mumbassy, 100 miles up the coast, and I knew that this monster - was the sole surviver. But what was the use? What kind of a chance - had Reason against Faith, in minds which had never knew the light of - Revelation? So I felt called for to deliver some other land from errors - chain, and buyin 9 camel loads of ephalents teeths with a pound of - glass beads, I sailed for Indianas coral strand.”</p> - - <p>But if Billy, thats my brother, had been there he would have slew the - high priest and the fat king and weltered in their gore!</p> - - <p>There was a pig and it was a rootin up a mans cabbage garden. The man - which owned the cabbages he snook up behind the pig and catched it by - its hind feets for to throw it over the fence. But the pig it got hold - of a cabbage stalk with its mouth and wouldnt let go. The man which - owned the cabbages said to his self: “What can I do? If I let go it - will run <span class="pagenum" id="Page_71">71</span>over my flowers, and if I dont it will pull up the cabbage.”</p> - - <p>Bime by the man which owned the cabbages wife she come out and see how - things was, and women dont know nothing, so she got a bucket of scaldin - hot water, and threw the water on the pig and the cabbage too, and it - killed them both, they was so boiled. The man he let go and thought a - while, and then he said to his wife: “Thank you, now jest bring the - vinigar and mustard and help your self to what you see before you.”</p> - - <p>I asked Uncle Ned if he knew what made pigs have a curly tail, and he - said: “Its mighty singlar about that, Johnny, and I was jest a goin to - tell you. One time in the Garden of Eden the pig it see a apple fall - from a tree and made off for to eat it. But Adam he said: 'Hold hard, - there, my friend, apples is mighty bad medicine, cause I know how it is - my self. If you eat it you will know good from bad, and your wife wont - seem half so nice as she does now.’</p> - - <p>“But the pig it wouldnt stop, so Adam catched it by the tail, but - couldnt hold it, for the tail slicked out of his hand. So he twisted - the tail round his finger and drew the pig back out of mortle peril, - but when he pulled his finger out of the twist <span class="pagenum" id="Page_72">72</span>the tail stayed curly - unto this day.</p> - - <p>“And now, my boy, havin give you the sientificle explain of that - phenomnon, I will tell you about the dove, cause doves is pigs too, - when it comes to eatin. One day Adam was a walkin in the Garden and - he see a dove sittin on a tree, a cooin real mornful, like it hadnt a - friend in the world, and it hadnt, for there was lots of feathers under - the tree, and Adam knew it had et its mate. But he said: 'Poor little - feller, where does it hurt you?’</p> - - <p>“The dove it said: 'I have lost my wife, thats where it hurts me.’</p> - - <p>“Adam went on without sayin any more, but about a hour later he past - that way again and seen the dove. It was all dubbled up, and its wings - was crost on the stomach of its belly, mighty sick, and makin a doleful - sounds, same as it did before. Adam he said: 'What are you a grievin - about now, have you lost your wife again?’</p> - - <p>“The dove it said: 'Worse than that. I have found her!’</p> - - <p>“Then Adam he said: 'You cantankrous little cuss! You shall moan and - wail for ever and ever, particlarly when you are happy.’” </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_73">73</span></p> - - <p>Doves is the symblem of peace cause they are fraid cats, and every - livin thing can lick them easy. But the eagle he is a minister of the - upper deep!</p> - - <p>When the eag has et too much dove he has the colic too, and moans - awful. When Franky, thats the baby, has it mother gives him cat nip tea - and ginger and pepmint and tobasco and pain killer and perry gorick - and mustard and burnt brandy. Then the doctor he comes and gives him - a emettic, real quick, and when it is all over he says: “Madam, your - inteligence and promptness saved your childs life.”</p> - - <p>And that is all which is known to sience about pigs.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_74">74</span> - <h3 id="KANGAROONS">KANGAROONS</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">THE wood chuck lives in a hole and is fat like he was butter, but the - kangaroon leaps upon the fo and rends him lim from lim! Chucks is - mammals but the kang is a grass hopper and moves in a mysterious way. - The she one has a pocket on her belly and puts every thing in it which - dont belong to her. One time a kang which was a show she got out of the - cage and stole some black smith tools and hid them in her pouch. When - she was put back in the cage the black smith come and told the show - man that some gum dasted thief had stole his kit. The show man he knew - how it was, and went in the kangs cage and took out his knife and made - believe to rip her open. Then he put his arm in her pouch and pulled - out a hammer and a tongs and some other things, and said: “Is them - yourn?”</p> - - <p>The black he was a stonish. He looked a while at the tools and then - he looked a while at the kang, which was eatin a wisp of hay, real - peaceful and happy, and then he looked at the show man, and bime be he - said: “No, you gam doodled hipnotist, <span class="pagenum" id="Page_75">75</span>thems opticle ilusions, but mine - was real, sure enough, flesh and blood tools.”</p> - - <p>The show man he said: “Is that so? Then I guess we better go and open - the ostridge.”</p> - - <p>But the black he was mad and left the sceene with slow and stately - tread.</p> - - <p>Now Ile tell you a other, which Uncle Ned told me. A scientificle - feller went to the zoo and seen a kang which was out of doors. He - looked at it a long time and then he said to a keeper, the scientificle - feller did: “You got a jewel here, cause it is a xtinct specie, which - I cant rightly name off hand. Of course it cant walk with such legs as - them, and it may be what the Scriptures call a creepin thing.”</p> - - <p>The keeper he said: “Maybe it will help you identify him if I tell you - his name is Rickoshay. Make a effort, Rick, and creep for the gentman.”</p> - - <p>Then the show man he whacked the roon on the tail with his stick, and - the roon it went away like it was shot out of a gun and in a half - dozen leaps was lost to view in a long cloud of dust. Then the other - feller he shooked his head, real wise, and said: “Once more has Science - demstrated the falibility of the Scriptures and<span class="pagenum" id="Page_76">76</span> over threw Religion.”</p> - - <p>A traveler in the torpid zone, where the kangaroon is to home, he see - one sittin by the road side on its haunches, and its fore paws was - hangin down on its breast like a little dogs which has been taught to - beg. The traveler had a kind heart and he said: “Here you poor hungry - thing, what ever you are, take a biscit.”</p> - - <p>But when he threw the biscit the kang it jumpt like lightnin a awful - distance, and when it had lit it looked back and twinkled its ears, - much as to say: “Never touched me!”</p> - - <p>The traveler he took out his note book and wrote: “This country is - subject to great convulshions of nature, which cause some of the most - sudden and remarkble up heavels known to science and baffles the - generous instinckts of the yuman heart.”</p> - - <p>But my sisters young man, which told me the story, he says the greatest - up heavle known to science is when the hi potamus rises from his beauty - sleep and salutes the dawn.</p> - - <p>The old he kangaroon is a stag and the she feller is a duck bill and - the little ones is katy dids, and thats why I say variety is the staff - of life. The kangs tail is the biggest in the world and is highly - respected for soup, but Jack Brily, which is <span class="pagenum" id="Page_77">77</span>the wicked sailor, says - give him plum duff and a spankin breeze!</p> - - <p>Jack says he was one time ship wreck on a island, and was caught by - some native niggers which took him before their king and said: “If you - please, here is one of them gods which is some times washed ashore when - the wind is west.”</p> - - <p>The king he loocked at Jack a while, and bime by he said: “Take him out - and lick him till he gives us good weather for the coco nuts.”</p> - - <p>Jack he spoke up and said, Jack did: “I aint that kind of god. The one - which could rule the weather was et by a shark jest fore he reached the - land. Ime the feller which bestows good government.”</p> - - <p>The king said: “Then we havnt no use for you, cause we are mighty well - off that way.”</p> - - <p>But one of the natif niggers he said: “I dont know about that. I guess - we better lick him any how and see what comes of it.”</p> - - <p>Jack he said: “Never mind about the lickin, I will waive all pomp and - ceremony and give you good govment any how if you do as I say, jest - like they have in America, where I am worshipt the hardest. What kind - of a king is that feller?”</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_78">78</span></p> - - <p>The Prime Minister he said he was a mighty good one, cause he had been - kingin all his life.</p> - - <p>Jack he said: “Then what you need is rotasion in office. Turn him out - to once and put in a new man which nearly one half the peoples have - said they didn’t want.”</p> - - <p>The natifs said there wasn’t any sech man, cause when ever a bad man - was seen he was took up and skinned alive. Jack he thought a while, and - bime by he said: “Got any of them skins?”</p> - - <p>They said they guessed the last one took was in the rogues galery, and - Jack said: “Stuff it and make it Presdent, and you will have liberty.”</p> - - <p>A nigger he spoke up and said: “We have liberty, what is a Presdent?”</p> - - <p>Jest then a other nigger come up, with a grip sack in his hand, and he - said: “Where I come from we have a Presdent, what is liberty?”</p> - - <p>Then Jack walked over to that feller and shook his hand and said: “I - am dog gone glad for to see you, old man, how was things goin when you - left New York?” </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_79">79</span></p> - - <p>Patrick Henry he said: “Give me liberty or treat me mighty well in - jail,” but George Washington he waved his big sticker and shouted the - bottle cry of fredom! </p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_80">80</span> - <h3 id="EPHALENTS">EPHALENTS</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">EPHALENTS is the biggest thing in the world, and it has got a proboscus - with a hole through it. Some times the eph it gets its proboscus full - of muddy water and blows it sky high and would put out a fire if there - was one. The eph he has got a ear like the star spangle banner, but - he cant wave it oer the home of the brave. Billy he says once a man - put his head in a ephalents mouth, but their teeth is outside, so the - feller which didnt was braver.</p> - - <p>The ephs proboscus is its nose, and old Gaffer Peters has a long one - too. One night old Gaffer was to our house and his shadow was on the - wall, and Uncle Ned he said for him to sit still and he would draw his - profile. So Uncle Ned drew it on the wall, and made the nose about - a foot long, you never seen such a nose! My father he said: “What - a strikin likeness, I would have knew it with my eyes shut,” but - old Gaffer he didn’t say nothing. But pretty soon he pulled out his - hankchef and blew his nose, and said: “I got a mighty bad cold.” </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_81">81</span></p> - - <p>Bime by he blew it again and said: “This cold of mine is a goin to - carry me to my grave.”</p> - - <p>After a while he blew it some more and said: “What a dredfull swell up - nose a bad cold gives a man in this gum dasted climate!”</p> - - <p>Mister Gipple he says that one time in Mully Gatawny there was a battle - be tween the wites and the natif niggers, and the wites licked. Then - the wite general he said to his mahoot, which is the feller which rides - a ephalent and jabs its ears: “Here, Kibosh, you take your quadped and - ride over the battle field and count the slained and the wounded of - the enemy, never mind ourn. I want to make a roarin good report to the - Govment. You will have to be mighty careful or you will miss some of - them.”</p> - - <p>The mahoot he said: “Yessir, my eph is mighty sharp sighted with his - feets.”</p> - - <p>Late in the evenin the mahoot came a jabbin his eph up to head quarter, - and the poor thing was so tired that it wobbled, and its feet and laigs - was red, like they was painted. The gen he said: “Kibosh, I fear there - was a accdent to some poor feller. Didnt I tell you that menaggery of - yourn would have to be careful about steppin on the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_82">82</span> wounded?”</p> - - <p>Ki he sed: “Yessir, so he was, sir, I dont think he missed a single nigger.”</p> - - <p>The general, which was a good man, was awful shocked, and he wrote in - his report: “I am sorry for to have to add that after the battle all - of the wounded natifs, bein exposed to the open air, was atacked by - a disease pecular to this climate, and phisicians was in vain. This - scurge of the tropics is known as elphantiasis, or flatty degeneration - of the chest. Make me a duke.”</p> - - <p>But the Bible it says we are all worms of the dust where there is any - dust for to be a worm of.</p> - - <p>A other time Mister Gipple said: “Johnny, di ever tell you about the - great king of Googum? I was in Googum when he died, and I asked the - Prime Minister and the High Priest might I make a few remarks at the - grave. The Prime said he guessed it would be all right if I wouldnt - take up a colection, and the High said he would be mighty glad if I - would relieve him of a sacred duty, cause he wanted to go a fishin. - So on the day of the funeral I went to the grave. Johnny, you have - frequent saw in the news papers a large audience discribed as 'a sea of - up turned faces.’<span class="pagenum" id="Page_83">83</span> It was that way there. But, Johnny, the up turned - faces was all detatched from their respective bodies!</p> - - <p>“Bime by the Prime came. I swallered my feel as well as I could and - said: 'I spose this is the custom of the country.’</p> - - <p>“The Prime he said: 'Yes, when the king dies we try for to make it a - occasion of public sorry.’</p> - - <p>“Then I said: 'Where is my audience?’</p> - - <p>“The Prime he said: 'Ime him.’</p> - - <p>“I said: 'How about the mourners?’</p> - - <p>“The Prime he said: 'All them which we could catch are here, exceptin - the public executor, which is tired and has gone home. Ile fetch him if - you would like to make his acquaint.’</p> - - <p>“I thought a while, then I said: 'No, dont deprive him of his much - needed rest. I met him in Illinoy.’</p> - - <p>“Then the Prime looked at his watch and said: 'It is time for you to - begin the remarks.’</p> - - <p>“Then I rose my self up to my full highness and looked him in the eye, - like I was a eagle, and said: 'The only remarks which I feel inspired - for to make is that of all the gum dasted galoots and cantankers that - I ever met you are the head center,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_84">84</span> the xtreme limit, the farthest - north! If I had had you over in New Jersey, where your cries couldnt be - heard up at the mercy seat, Ide lambaste you til your unbelievin soul - would quit its tennement of mud and fly to evils that it knows not of!’</p> - - <p>“Then, Johnny, I departed out of that place of wrath and tears by leaps - and bounds and came back to the land of the free, where a feller which - behaves hisself neednt hold his head on with both hands, where the - Repubcan party scatters peace and plenty of offices oer a smilin land, - and where if the Presdent was to die every day of his life a other - would be elected without sacrificial rites.”</p> - - <p>But if the public xecutor would come for to cut my head off cause the - king died I would cleave him into twain! </p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_85">85</span> - <h3 id="THE_TOOTSY_WOOTSY">THE TOOTSY WOOTSY</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">UNCLE NED he said: “Johnny, you have wrote about all the other quadpeds - which roam the plain, but I guess you have forgot the tootsy wootsy.”</p> - - <p>I said what was it like, and Uncle Ned he said, Uncle Ned did: “It - isnt like any thing which is on the earth, or in the heavens under the - earth, or in the whisky and water which is all over the earth, but - jest get your pencil and write what I say about it, for I have been in - Pattigony and seen it in its natif wild.”</p> - - <p>So Uncle Ned he lit his pipe and laid the blazin match real careful on - Mose which is the cats back, which springed away like he was shot out - of a gun, and said, Uncle Ned did: “The tootsy wootsy is found in many - lands, for it is mighty audible and you cant miss it.”</p> - - <p>I said: “Is it a animal, or a bird, or a fish, or only jest a inseck?”</p> - - <p>Uncle Ned he said: “It is in a class by it self, though it is some like - all them fellers, and snakes too. The<span class="pagenum" id="Page_86">86</span> color of the tootsy is unknown - to science, for, as Shakspeare says, it is subdude to what it works - in, which is mostly dirt. When it is washed with hydrate of soap it is - fire red from xertion and howl. It is a domesticle beast, same as the - hi potamus, and roars like distant thunder. You will naturally want to - know what it lives on, and that is the most singlar thing, cause it - hasnt got much teeth, as a general rule, yet it is a beast of prey. - Every thing which it can catch goes in to its mouth, and it is frequent - pizened.</p> - - <p>“The tootsy wootsy doesn’t live to a great age, like the ephalent, the - turtle and the testator, but when 3 or 4 summers has past over its head - it changes from a quaderped into a brat.”</p> - - <p>I said what was brats, and he said: “A brat, my boy, is the frog of - which the tootsy is the tad pole, or polly wog.”</p> - - <p>Then I asked him did the toot drop its tail, like the wog, and he said: - “I cant jest recollect whether it has a tail or not, but if it has I - guess it better drop it, cause when it becomes a brat its mother, which - is a great imitator of yuman being’s will wear it off with her palm.” </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_87">87</span></p> - - <p>Then I said: “If I met a tootsy wootsy I would draw my big sword and - cut its head off, and smash the spine of its back, and holler hooray!”</p> - - <p>Uncle Ned he said: “Yes, I know you would, cause you are brave like - soldiers, but jest now I guess you better go and wipe Frankys nose and - slick him up a bit, poor little feller, cause his father is a comin - home pretty soon, and we will give him the supprise of his life.”</p> - - <p>So I washed Franky up, real nice and white, which howled, and Uncle Ned - comed his hair. Bime by my father he come in, and while he was a takin - off his over coat he see Franky and stopped with it half off. He looked - a while and then he took the over coat the other half off and hung it - up and came back and said: “That child looks quite a little like our - Franky, doesnt it, Edard? Whose is he?” </p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_88">88</span> - <h3 id="GRASS_HOPPERS">GRASS HOPPERS</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">MISTER GIPPLE he says in Africa the natif niggers eats nothing only - but just grass hoppers, and one time a nig he see a hopper sittin on - a stone, with its feets pulled in, all ready for to jump. The natif - nigger he smiled sad, like a hi potamus, and said: “How mournful to - think that fellers which is like 2 brothers should distrust one a other - jest cause I am a nigger, which has a black skin, how can I help that?”</p> - - <p>But the hopper it wiggled one whisker, much as to say: “It isnt the - color of your skin, old man, but the un neighborly way which you have - of tuckin it out.”</p> - - <p>Bildad, thats the new dog, was sick one day and et a blade of grass - for to make hisself throw it up, but there was a hopper on the grass - and before Bildad chewed it he noticed that some thing was the matter - and he opened his mouth again and stood real still for to see what - would happen, but the hopper it kept a jumpin in Bildads mouth. Then he - started in and shook his head so fast you couldnt see it, but it was no - use. Pretty<span class="pagenum" id="Page_89">89</span> soon he stopped to see if it was all right, but it wasnt. - Then he got down on his knees and rubbed his hed on the ground, first - on one side and then on the other, and my father he spoke up and said, - fore he thought: “Look at that dog a stroppin his razor!”</p> - - <p>The Bible it says awful things will happen to them which eats grass - like Nebbicudnezer. I asked Jack Brily, which is the wicked sailor, - what was the awfulest thing which ever happened to him. Jack he thought - a while and then he said, Jack did:</p> - - <p>“Johnny, a feller which his life is on the ocean wave has a lot of - blood cuddling adventers that he hasnt got time for to classify - accordin to their awfulness, and maybe I am mistook in thinkin that - the one which I am about to relate is the limit, but it made me stop - follerin the sea and stay home for to help my father in the meat shop.</p> - - <p>“One time I was on a ship which was casted away, and I was the only man - which wasn’t drownded, cause I had stole the boat. The wind it blew me - right toward a great wall of rock where I knew I would be smashed to - frogments, but Provdence, which watches over good men, directed the - boat into a cave, where the water was <span class="pagenum" id="Page_90">90</span>smooth. I couldnt row out and - if I stayed there I would starve, so I jest pulled further in. But - the cave didnt have no end, and it was pitch dark. I kept on rowing - for many days, maybe, till I see a light, and bime by I came out into - a open sea again. The wall of rock was jest like it was on the other - side where I went in, and seein that I couldnt climb it I steered for - a island which I seen in the offing, and there I set my feets on tera - firmly once more.</p> - - <p>“After offerin up thanks to the god of that country and makin a - bountiful repast off a dead fish which lay on the beach describin - itself with great loquacity in the language of flowers, I started - inland for to find the natif niggers, but pretty soon I seen a sailor - which had sea weed in his hair and eyes like them of the fish which I - had et. I said: 'Hello, shipmate, what country is this?’</p> - - <p>“The feller he stared at me a long time out of his fish eyes, real - spooky, and bime by he said: 'This is the Land of Drownded Sailors.’</p> - - <p>“Then I seen about a thousand million drownded sailors which I hadnt - noticed, some like him and some worse. They all had sea weed in their - hair and eyes like hisn, but some was black and some was<span class="pagenum" id="Page_91">91</span> yellow and - some was white and some was French, and they all wore the clothes they - was drownded in. They didnt say much, but they spoke in every tongue - which is known to man, and Dutch too. Some was a playin cards, and some - was a splicin ropes, and some was makin believe to scrub the decks, and - some was a tattooin the others arms, and some was a carvin pictures - on walrus teeths, and some was a fightin mity solemn to inattentive - audiences, and every thing which sailor men do for to pass the time. - When they see me they all knocked off work and arose up as one man and - crowded around me and pointed their fingers at me, unmovin, like I was - a show! And that is the awfulest thing which has ever befel me except - bein born.”</p> - - <p>I asked Jack what did he do for to escape. Just then Uncle Ned, which - had come in and heard the last part of the story, he spoke up and said, - Uncle Ned did: “Johnny, you will have to excuse the witness, for he - cant be compelled to say any thing which will disgrace him, so I will - jest answer that question my own self. He escaped from them terrible - fellers by lyin down and sleepin it off.” </p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_92">92</span> - <h3 id="DOMESTICAL_HENS">DOMESTICAL HENS</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">HENS is good to eat, but not the old he ones, which is a fighter. They - lay eggs and cackle. Some boys can cackle as good as a hen, but no - eggs. Hens dont lay eggs on Sunday, but the minister he preaches. Billy - says if the hens didnt lay eggs they would bust and if the minister - didnt preach he would be sick. Our old hen she wanted for to set, but - father he didnt, so he boiled a egg real hot and laid it in her nest. - She went and straddled it and looked up at father like he was a fool. - Then she shaked her self together and shut up her eyes and settled down - to her work, much as to say: “You see I am a havin my way about this thing.”</p> - - <p>But pretty soon she gave a awful squok and jumped up and run round and - round, like her head was cut off and she couldnt see her way. After - that she was so afraid of eggs that when she couldnt help layin one she - would run and fly, and some times the egg was lain in one place and - some times it wasnt. One time she laid it on the roof of the church and - it rolled off and busted on a<span class="pagenum" id="Page_93">93</span> toomb stone close to where my father - stood a talkin to old Gaffer Peters. Old Gaffer he looked up to the - weather cock on the steeple and shook his head and said: “Ive been agin - that dam thing from the first.”</p> - - <p>Mister Gipple he says a boy found some owl eggs and put them under a - settin hen, cause they wasnt good for to suck. When they was hatched - the old hen was mighty proud of them, like my mother is of Franky, - thats the baby, but Mary, thats the house maid, she likes the butcher - boy which brings the meat. One day the old rooster he said to the old - hen: “Did you ever take notice what eyes them chicks of yourn has?”</p> - - <p>The old hen she said: “Yes, they look so wise I am afraid they arent - long for this world, poor darlings.”</p> - - <p>The old rooster he shook his head and went away, but a other day he - come back and said: “Them gum dasted chickens of yourn, which aint long - for this world, are playin the old Nick while they stay. They jest - now piled on to the yellow leg pullet and et her up in a minute, poor darlings.”</p> - - <p>The hen she thought a while, and then she said: “Thats a mighty good - disposition for them to have, for they will protect me from owls.” </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_94">94</span></p> - - <p>Then a other hen she spoke up and said: “Judgin from the looks of some - folkses chicks I guess they aint so fraid of owls as they make believe.”</p> - - <p>But if I couldnt tell a better story than that I would teach school.</p> - - <p>One day a feller a plantin potatoes see a hawk a sittin on a hens nest - and there was lots of feathers around, like a pillow had broke open. - The feller he looked at the hawk a while, and then he said: “Well, - Ile be gam doodled! You will make a nice mother for a brood of young - chickens, wont you?”</p> - - <p>The hawk he said: “Well, what kind of a mother be you for a field of - new potatoes?”</p> - - <p>Mister Jonnice, which has the wood leg, he says it was mighty - thoughtful in the Creator to provide chickens for the hawks, but Uncle - Ned he says it wasn’t quite so thoughtful in him to provide hawks for - the chickens. One night when Mister Jonnice stayed to our house he hung - his wood leg on the knob of his bed room door, out side, for to have - fun with Mary, thats the house maid, cause his wood leg looks just like - it was a meat one, only whiter. In the morning Mary she came to my - mother and said: “O, if you please, mam, I guess the gent which slept<span class="pagenum" id="Page_95">95</span> - in the spare room cant get his door open, cause he is a comin out - through the key hole.”</p> - - <p>A other time when Mister Jonnice was to our house Missis Doppy was here - too, which has got the red head, you never seen any thing so red. When - she had gone home Mister Jonnice he said: “If I was that womans husband - Ide use her head for the parlor fier.”</p> - - <p>Then Missy, thats my sister, she spoke up and said: “I suppose you - would use your leg for a back log.”</p> - - <p>One day Missis Doppy was here and stayed a long time, and bime by she - went in my mothers bed room and was a combin her hair. Uncle Ned past - the door and looked in, and then he came down stairs and said: “I guess - she is a firin up to be off, I seen her a rakin out the cinders.”</p> - - <p>Mister Pitchel, thats the preacher, he says it is wicked to make fun of - folkses miss fortunes, cause it is all for some wise purpose, and Uncle - Ned he says yes, and Missis Doppys head is a mighty conspicus instance - and a shiny xample.</p> - - <p>Hens is some time stole, and one time some wicked fellers which was - in jail they kept a breakin out at night and stealin hens. So the man - which kept the jail<span class="pagenum" id="Page_96">96</span> he said he would put a stop to that, and he had a - other coat of paint put on the jail for to make it stronger. But the - painter had put salt in the paint and the cows licked it off and the - fellers broke out a again and stole more hens. That made the jail man - mad and he said: “This aint no place for thiefs, and you fellers has - got to behave your selfs or Ile put you out of here and you will have - to rustle round for your livin the best way you can.”</p> - - <p>Roosters crow, but when there isnt any rooster the old hen she crows - for to teach the little fellers how. But such crowin!—just like a - sufferget hollerin hip, hip, hooray!</p> - - <p>My father he said to Mister Gipple, my father did: “I guess you and - Johnnys Uncle Edard is mighty hard worked a tryin to see which can tell - him the biggest lie. Maybe you better give your selfs a good long rest.”</p> - - <p>Mister Gipple he thought a while and then he said: “May I tell him jest - one about my marriage in Africa, cause it is true?”</p> - - <p>My father he said: “O, you be dratted, I have knew Missis Gip ever - since she was a little feller, and I know you married her in Illinoy.” </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_97">97</span></p> - - <p>Mister Gipple said: “I hope to die if it isnt so, jest as I said.”</p> - - <p>Then my father he said: “All right, you may tell him, but I dont want - to hear it, so Ile read this news paper.”</p> - - <p>So Mister Gipple told me for to come closer, so as not to interupt a - man which was readin, and father he took out his spetacles and wiped - them real careful, and put them on his nose, and begun for to read the - paper just like he had never saw a other paper, only but just that one. - Then Mister Gipple he said: “Johnny, one time while I was a missionary - preacher in Africa I was mighty lonely and said to the king of the - natif niggers: 'All you fellers is married, but I havnt got any, cause - she is in Illinoy. Spose you let me have a wife too.’</p> - - <p>“The king he said: 'You aint nothing but a gum dasted white man, but - you have been pretty decent about givin me rum and tobacco and showin - me how to save my soul, so Ile give you all the wives that you can eat.’</p> - - <p>“I thanked him and went to my shack and lay down for to dream of - conjuggle happiness, but about mid night I was awoke by a awful yellin - and hammerin on gongs, and when I looked out the whole horizon was lit - up with bon fires and I could see all the natif niggers a dancin and a<span class="pagenum" id="Page_98">98</span> - carryin on like they was crazy drunk.</p> - - <p>“Next mornin I went to the king and asked him what was the trouble, - and he said, the king did: 'No trouble at all, the high priest he - married you last night and my loyal subjects was a cellebratin the - nupitals. Every thing has been done proper, acordin to your station in - life and you now have wives enough for to last a long time if you are - economicle. There they are.’</p> - - <p>“Johnny, that bad man pointed to a cage of monkeys! Yes, my boy, they - had made a gam doodled poligamer of me by marryin me to a lot of long - tail, rib nose, jabberin apes and baboons. And me a piller of the - Methody church in good standin! Johnny, my domestical life was unhappy, - for I dont like monkey any way which it can be cooked.”</p> - - <p>Then my father he spoke up and said: “What did you do with them?”</p> - - <p>Mister Gipple he said: “Hello! aint there any news in that paper? I - thought you was a great reader, which makes a man mighty wise. But if - you want to know, I got a divorce on the ground of failure to provide.”</p> - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_99">99</span></p> - - <p>But if me and Billy was married to monkeys we would cumber the earth - with heaps of slain, for the Constution it says man and wife are one - flesh, which is grass.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_100">100</span> - <h3 id="THE_BUFLO">THE BUFLO</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">THE buf is found in all the big eastern cities. The she ones is called - a cow cause she bellows loud and shrill, but the little one he is a - sucker. The buflo is a natif of Omaha, but the peoples there they said: - “O, whats the use, for the mooley cow is more milky and cant gore.”</p> - - <p>The buf has got a mane like a lions mane, but when he springs onto his - prey and wrenches it from the earth the sheeps they laughf and say they - could have done that thir own selfs.</p> - - <p>One time some soldiers they lay down in the prairie for to sleep. Their - guide was a young feller which wore 3 revolvers and a big boy knife and - had long yellow hair. In the middle of the night he was heard to holler - like he was cats, cause some bufs had strayed in to camp for to eat - grass, and thats what made the guide wish his self back in Boston. The - captain of the soldiers he asked him what was up, and the guide said: - “Some bodys gum dasted cow took me by the hair and swang me round till - it pulled out, <span class="pagenum" id="Page_101">101</span>thats whats up!”</p> - - <p>The captain he said: “Well, what you kickin about? Animals which pulls - up grass always has to shake the dirt off the roots, don’t they?”</p> - - <p>My sisters young man he says once there was a buf in the Zoo, and a - Injin came for to see him. The buf he looked at the Injin, too, and - bime by he said, the buf did: “How is the dusky chieftain of the - Galoots, and how does it feel to wear the stopipe hat and frock coat of - the Paleface?”</p> - - <p>The Injin he thought a while, and then he said: “If me and you was to - home you would have some thing else to think about than the spring - styles of gents cloes.”</p> - - <p>The buf he sighed and said: “The words of the great Swaller-His-Blanket - brings back the light of other days most peculiar, the days when we - roamed the plain together and you was always a little ahead.”</p> - - <p>The Injin spoke up and said: “Yes, events did move pretty rapid them - days, but it wasn’t real progress like 20 dollars a week, for to do a - scalp dance in a show.”</p> - - <p>The buf he wank his eye and said: “Ime fairly comfortable too, only - but jest when I have a pain in the stomach of my belly from too much clover.”</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_102">102</span></p> - - <p>But if I was a buflo I rather be a rain deer and gallop oer the snow - beneath the aurory boryalis, hooray!</p> - - <p>Uncle Ned he said: “Johnny, do you know how Mister Jonnice, which has - the wood leg, lost his meat one?”</p> - - <p>I said: “Yessir, it was bit off by a cracky dile, and pulled out by a - shark, and amptated for to cure the go out, and flang off when he ran - after the fleein enemies at Gettysburg.”</p> - - <p>Uncle Ned he said: “My boy, you have been listenin to him instead of - consultin the best authoritys. Mister Jonnice was one time huntin - bufloes in Wyoming, and he had slottered so many he was tired, so he - lay down on a rock for to rest. Pretty soon a kioty came along, and the - ki showed his teeths and said, ironicle: 'Lets hunt together.’</p> - - <p>“Mister Jonnice said: 'Ide like to, but the fact is Ime about to go - away, a leavin you so far behind that we cant.’</p> - - <p>“Then Mister Jonnice he departed, mighty awkward but surprisin fast, - and disapeared over the horizon. The ki he looked a while, and then he - said: 'All right, if I cant get what I want Ile take what I can get, - and a half of a loaf is better than nothing to eat.’</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_103">103</span></p> - - <p>“So the ki it et Mister Jonnices leg every little tiny bit up.</p> - - <p>“You see, Johnny, when the convsation began the leg was asleep, and - Mister Jonnice hadnt time for to wake it up, but bein a brave man he - had hopped away without it.”</p> - - <p>But the zeebry is the swiftest thing which is in the world, and the hi - potamus roars like he was a brigdier general, and then the rhi nosey - rose winks his eye, much as to say: “Hark, I hear a angel sing.” </p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_104">104</span> - <h3 id="SHEEPS">SHEEPS</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">THE he sheep is a ram and the she is a you and the little feller is - lambs. Lambs is playful, and when the sun is shinin warm in the spring - they turn out and have a stunnin good time, and thats why The Bible it - says for to go it while you are young. When a sheep has been sheared - it doesnt look very civilized, more like it was sick. Mister Gipple - says one time a scientifical feller he surprised a young you which had - been sheared the first time, and she blushed so rosy that he wrote to - the presdent of his college: “I have discovered a new specie of red - dog, which I have named <i>Canis rubicutis</i>, make me a professor - of animals, with a salary of one thousand hundred dollars a year and - board.” But my sister she can turn real red too when I tell her that - bitin her young man isnt fair play.</p> - - <p>A old you she had a labm, and one day she was sheared. When the labm it - came to her for to get its dinner it stopped and looked at her a while, - and then it backed away and made a bow, much as to say: “I beg your - pardon, I didnt know you was<span class="pagenum" id="Page_105">105</span> that way. I will wait.”</p> - - <p>Uncle Ned he said to my sister: “Missy, I have some mighty bad news for - you, but you must brace up and try for to bear it. Me and Mister Gipple - was out in the country yester day, and we caught your young man eatin a - dead sheep.”</p> - - <p>Missy she most fainted, and she said: “You wicked man, it isnt so, - where was it?”</p> - - <p>Then Uncle Ned he said, Uncle Ned did: “It was in the dining room of a - way side inn.”</p> - - <p>I never have see such a furious girl like Missy was, but Uncle Ned he - says every woman is a fo to the truth and I better be ware how I tell - it.</p> - - <p>Dead sheeps is mutton, but canibles eat their selves and is happy. When - Jack Brily was casted a way on a island he seen 2 canibles meet, and - one said to the other how did he do, and the other he said: “O, Ime - jest fine—fit for to set before a king.”</p> - - <p>A other time Jack was ship wreck, and him and the captain was threw on - a bare rock, where they came near starvin to death. So they drawed lots - to see which one should be et by the other, and the captain he lost. - Then he said, the captain <span class="pagenum" id="Page_106">106</span>did: “Well, my man, you didnt think me and - you would ever be mess mates, did you?”</p> - - <p>Jack he said: “No sir, I sure didnt expect sech a honor as to meet you - at dinner, and the worst of it is that I havnt my ditty bag and cant - slick my self up a bit.”</p> - - <p>There was a old ram which licked all the other rams which are in the - world, so one day a feller which the old ram had licked hisn he see him - comin, and he took a big lookin glass, the feller did, and set it up - on the river bank long side the road. The ram he see it and shook his - head and said: “You gum dasted homely galoot, if you think you can hide - behind that picture frame you are mistook.”</p> - - <p>So he backed off and let drive like he was shot out of a cannon and - busted through the lookin glass and went down in to the river. Bime by - he was washed a shore and stood up on his feets with the cold water a - runnin out of his wool, like he was a spunge. Then he shet up his eyes - for to think, cause he was all mixed up in his mind, and bime by he - said, real thoughtful: “Braveness is the soldiers hope. I wont never - again hide behind a picture frame for to sass a other feller which is - goin a long the road<span class="pagenum" id="Page_107">107</span> a mindin his own business.”</p> - - <p>Missis Doppy she says her little Sammy is a labm, but I dont see no - wool, nothing only but just dirt. One day Sammy tore his trousers, - which was brown, and she put a blue patch on the place. Pretty soon - after she and him was to our house, and my father he said: “Missis - Doppy, that is a mighty fine boy of yourn.”</p> - - <p>Missis Doppy was real pleased, and she said: “Yes, indeed, he is just a - little angel right down from Heaven.”</p> - - <p>My father he smoked his pipe in silents for a while, then he said: - “That little angel of yourn seems to have brought a piece of the sky - down with him.”</p> - - <p>You never seen such a furious woman as Missis Doppy was in your life, - and Billy didn’t in hisn, but the Bible it says we shouldnt ever let - our hungry passions arise, cause them which takes up the sword shall be - for ever exalted.</p> - - <p>Labms is so famous that they have statutes in all the grave yards, just - like soldiers in Washington, and now I will tell you a story which my - sisters young man told me.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_108">108</span></p> - - <p>One time General Grant, which was the greatest man in the world, was - a bein showed the statutes which adorn the city of Washinton, and he - said, General Grant did: “I never seen such a lot of gam doodled scare - crows!”</p> - - <p>Then a good man which was a preacher he spoke up and said: “General, - you oughtnt to swear, cause the wicked shall be casted in to Hell.”</p> - - <p>The General he said: “Thank you, I shouldnt mind that so very much, but - I sure dont want to be casted in to bronze.”</p> - - <p>Statutes is made by sculptors, and thats why I say every creepin thing - brings 4th after its own kind and multiplies excessive.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_109">109</span> - <h3 id="DUCKS">DUCKS</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">I SAID did Uncle Ned know what makes water run off a ducks back, and he - said: “Yes, my boy, thats about the only thing that I am prepaired for - to take a examnation on with out cribbin from the tex book. One time in - the garden of Eden, Adam, which was takin home a bucket of coal oil, - see the frog a sittin a sleep in the grass, and then he see the duck. - The duck it snook up and pecked the frog real cruel on the spine of - its back. If you catch a frog you will see the hump where its back was - broke.</p> - - <p>“Adam he said: 'You gum dasted beast of the field, why did you do that?’</p> - - <p>“The duck tost its head contemptible and sed: 'Cause he makes me tired, - he is so disgustin clean, always takin a bath.’</p> - - <p>“Adam said: 'Dont you ever take a bath your own self?’</p> - - <p>“The duck it said: 'No, I dont, cause cleanity is only but jest a - habit, and water is pizen.’</p> - - <p>“That made Adam so mad that he flang the whole bucket of oil on the - duck, which smelt awful and has been aquaticle<span class="pagenum" id="Page_110">110</span> ever since. It swims - and dives and splashes all the life long day for to wash the oil off, - but the water wont take hold.”</p> - - <p>I said why didnt the ducks wash their selfs with soap, but Uncle Ned he - shook his head real mournful and said: “No, no, I have suggested that - reform to them many a time and oft, but the march of mind is mighty - slow in this world and, so far, they wont do any thing only but just - eat the soap.”</p> - - <p>Ducks quack and the eagle he screams, and the high eany it laughfs when - there isnt any thing funny, the cammel he snorts out of his nose and - Franky, thats the baby, he gets soap in his eye and is like the battles - roar! Frankys eyes is blue, but my sisters young mans is gray, and when - she looks into hisn he looks into hern. And thats why I say how wondful - are the works of Provdence!</p> - - <p>One day when him and her was to the picture gally she seen one which - she liked real well and she said: “Isnt that a duck of a paintin?”</p> - - <p>Then he said: “Yes, indeed, I seen the other side of it. It is a canvas - back.”</p> - - <p>But Uncle Ned says if he couldn’t make better jokes than that he would - write for the comicle papers and defy detecktion!</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_111">111</span></p> - - <p>Mister Jonnice, which has the wood leg, he says one time he went to New - Jersey for to be an editor of a comicle paper, and the second day a - feller came in the office, wearin a long black coat and lookin like his - heart was broke. He said good mornin mighty solemn and Mister Jonnice - he said: “Welcome to the Temple of Meriment, cheer up and have a chair, - hows buisness?”</p> - - <p>The feller he said: “That depends a good deal on you.”</p> - - <p>Mister Jonnice he spoke up a other time and said: “All right, Ile - go home and ring the neck of my little girl and pizen my wife and - discumbowel my father.”</p> - - <p>The sollemn feller said: “You fill me with horrible! I beg you for to - pawse and consider what a wicked thing that would be to do.”</p> - - <p>Then Mister Jonnice he thought a while and bime by he said, soft and - low: “Yes, I guess maybe it might be looked at that way, and I wouldnt - do sech things only but for to help you.”</p> - - <p>The feller he looked like he didnt under stand, then he said, the - feller did: “Excuse me if I seem hard for to please, but how would them - actions help me?”</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_112">112</span></p> - - <p>Mister Jonnice said: “Why, aint you a a under taker?”</p> - - <p>The feller he looked mournfuller than ever and said: “Alas, no, I am - Rollickin Ralf, your chief contributer. God willin, me and you will - make the Temple resound with gle.”</p> - - <p>The Bible it says thou shall not kill, cause them which is killed they - shall be casted in to a lake of milk and honey, where the worm tieth a - knot and the fire is not quenched.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_113">113</span> - <h3 id="THE_NUMPORAUCUS">THE NUMPORAUCUS</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">MISTER GIPPLE he said: “Johnny, di ever tell you about the numporaucus?”</p> - - <p>I said he didnt, and then he said: “The nump is by many considered the - king of beasts, for its roar is like the voice of doom, and when it is - heard at midnights holy hour the heathen in his blindness says he must - put up a lightnin rod first thing in the mornin. But when the day dawns - bright and fair like a angels face he knows it was only just the nump - a talkin in his sleep. Johnny, as you justly say, the cracky dile is a - microbe and the skin of the rhi nosey rose isnt made to measure, but - the nump is a one legger and skowers the plane like a thing of life.”</p> - - <p>I said where was it found, and he said, Mister Gipple did: “There is a - dispute about that among scientificle fellers, cause no body which has - found a nump has come back for to tell the tale. Some believes it to - inhabbit the equator, but others say it is a scallywag. The one which I - seen was in New Jersey, where I was a missonary to the natif niggers. - One day I catched a natif<span class="pagenum" id="Page_114">114</span> and was a lickin him for bowin down to wood - and stone, when a big black shadow fel a thwort the scene of spiritual - contversy. With a few well choosen words I brought the services to - a close and looked up for to pronounce the bennediction and there, - between me and the noondy sun towered a giant numporaucus! It was as - big as a house of the same size and its eye was as the full moon when - lovers whisper their vows of ever lastingness.</p> - - <p>“Johnny, I was mighty scary for a man which was married and had met - the lightnin eye to eye quite frequent, and I couldnt think of a word - to say. The nump it stood on its lonely leg and looked at me a while, - mighty reticent, and then it stept forward and took my neck between - its teeths and I knew no more! When consience returned I was in my - own country, a runnin for office, to which I had the bad luck to be - defeated by a over weening majority.</p> - - <p>“The years rolled on and one day I read in the paper that on the polmy - plains of New Jersey a skulleton had been found with its neck bit - in 2! A natif niger which would carry to his grave the marks of his - conversion to the Bible was asked what he knew about it. He wank his - eye mighty<span class="pagenum" id="Page_115">115</span> mournful, much as to say he could tell a good deal more if - he wanted to, and I guess he could, for he was a dandy talker and had - arose to high distincktion in the church.”</p> - - <p>I asked Mister Gipple who the natif nigger was and he said: “Never mind - that, Johnny, for it doesnt matter much. What worries me is who I am my - own self.”</p> - - <p>But if me and Billy met a nump we would fall up on him with fire and - sword and strech him dead up on the plain! The Bible it says to resist - evil and it will fle as a bird, and thats why I say be up and doin, for - the sluggerd goes to the ant and is bit.</p> - - <p>Mister Gipple says that one time Mister Jonnice, which has the wood - leg, was a sittin by the road side in the Cannible Island and a big - natif nigger came a long with nothing on but a stopipe hat. The stumach - of the natif niggers belly it stuck out be fore him, real round, and - he was a drummin on it with his 2 hands, mighty cumftable. When he see - Mister Jonnice he stopt and looked at him a while, and then he said: - “Poor feller, you seem to have lost your laig.”</p> - - <p>Mister Jonnice he spoke up and said: “Yessir, and you seem for to have - found it and et it.”</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_116">116</span></p> - - <p>My sisters young man says if he had a wood leg he would take it to a - massadger and tell him to put some ginger in to it.</p> - - <p>Ginger bread, nice and sticky is the stuff of life, and makes a man - healthy, wealthy and wise.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_117">117</span> - <h3 id="MOLES">MOLES</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">UNCLE NED he said: “Johnny, you have pained me by your indifference to - the mole. I can only lay it to your ignance, cause maybe you don’t know - there is such a feller.”</p> - - <p>Then I spoke up and said: “The mole is amphibious and lives in the - ground. It hasent got any eyes, but its nose is like a awger, cause - it can bore through the solid rock and come out on the other side and - holler hooray! The fur of the mole is slick and shiny and makes good - mufs. Girls wears mufs but boys is kings and can stand on their head. - Girls is cry babys, and if I was a girl I rather be a fellers wife and - roar like distant thunder.”</p> - - <p>Then Uncle Ned he said: “Johnny, I see that I was mistook. You are not - ignant about moles, and you are mighty well informed about girls. My - charge of indifference arose out of the fact that you never asked me - why the mole doesnt come out of the ground for to bask in the light - of day and survey mankind with comperhensive view. I should think a - bright, scientificle boy like you would want to know that, <span class="pagenum" id="Page_118">118</span>same as to - learn why the beaver has a flat tail, and how the cammle got his hunch - and what makes the buttigoat have whiskers.”</p> - - <p>I asked him why was it, and he said: “Thats what I knocked off work a - plantin potatoes, to come in and tell you, for knowlidge is power.</p> - - <p>“One time Adam he was a diggin post holes in the Garden of Eden, - when the mole it come along and said good mornin, cause the mole it - was created real sociable. Adam he was grouchy, cause Eve had sassed - him, and he dident say any thing. Then the mole said: 'If I was give - dominion over ol the beasts of the field, as you be, I wouldnt be - diggin holes, Ide make the woodchuck do it for me, which is more - skillfle.’</p> - - <p>“That made Adam furious, like he was a wet cat, and he said: 'I dont - want advice from any gun dasted squirel of the air.’ So he catched the - mole and flang it in to the post hole which he had dugged, and said: - 'Ile be gam doodled if I dont burry you alive for your impidence!’</p> - - <p>“Then he begun for to fill up the hole, and the mole it spoke up real - solemn and said: 'Ime laid here in the shure and certain hope of a - blessed resuraction.’</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_119">119</span></p> - - <p>“But Adam he said: 'That hope will be blasted. You shant ever arise - from the dead till Gabrial blows his horn and eccho ansers from the - hill.’</p> - - <p>“And, Johnny, thats why the mole, which tils the soil real industrious, - never comes up for to view the land scape oer.”</p> - - <p>One day Billy he come home a holdin up a mole by the tail, which some - boy had give him, and the mole it was a live.</p> - - <p>When my mother she see him she said: “O you cruel, cruel boy! Throw it - in the fire this minute!”</p> - - <p>One Sunday Mister Pitchel, thats the preacher, he was to our house, and - mother she read out of a paper about Doctor Tanner, which didn’t eat - any thing for 40 days, and she said, mother did: “Stuff and non sense, - he would have died.”</p> - - <p>Father he said: “I dont know about that. Bears stay in hollow trees all - winter and live by suckin their feets.”</p> - - <p>Mister Pitchel he thought a while, and bime by he looked up at the - ceilin a while, real sollemn, and then he said: “There was a greater - than Docktor Tanner, and He fasted forty days and forty nights in the - wildness. Does any of you know what<span class="pagenum" id="Page_120">120</span> it was which sustained Him?”</p> - - <p>Then Billy he spoke up real quick and said: “Sucked his feets!” </p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_121">121</span> - <h3 id="THE_GOFURIOUS">THE GOFURIOUS</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">THE GOFURIOUS is the monarck of the mountains, and Uncle Ned he says - its roar is like ocean on a western beach. The go rises with the lark, - and when he shakes hisself the stars shoots madly from their spheres! - But the rhi nosey rose looks up from his dinner and says: “Nothin doin.”</p> - - <p>One day a rhi met a go and the go it said: “If I had such a potuberence - on my nose like that Ide wear a vail.”</p> - - <p>The rhi he thought a while and then he said, the rhi did: “Some folks - has horns on their noses and some others is gum dasted iddiots, its all - a matter of taste. I know I aint beautifle for to look at, but this - sticker of mine is mighty handy for to search the innards of the sick, - and I guess you aint a feelin very well this mornin, are you?”</p> - - <p>Then the go it moved away and sed it thought maybe it better take a - pill.</p> - - <p>The gofurious is a natif of the equator, which it devastates from pole - to pole! Its food is niggers, and it is the joy of its sweet young life - to stain<span class="pagenum" id="Page_122">122</span> it plumadge with their gore! The she one is called a scow, - but the little feller is a slob. The old he one has got three horns, - one on its neck, and one on its back, and a little sharp one on its - tail, and when it is poked it whacks this one in to the poke feller, - which turns purple and swells up like he was a baloon and xplodes with - a loud report.</p> - - <p>Sheeps is carnivories, and the tagger it is a mollusk, but the go has - got a white belly and only but just one leg, which is like a blasted - pine and defies the storm! Its lonely foot is like the talent of a - eagle, and when it skowers the desert so much dust is threw up that the - natif niggers cant see which way to run, so the go catches them and - they perish in their pride. When the go sees a hi potamus it gnashes - its teeths once, twice, thrice, and raises a protestin voice. The hi - he says he guesses he knows his own business and aint a goin to knock - off bein a hi potamus for any snouty galoot which roams the plain. But - the go envelps him in a cloud of dust and clasps him to its bosum, and - when the weather clears up the hi is no more! Then the go it utters a - long mournful wail, much as to say: “Alas, am I doomed never to know - the pleashures of a peaceful life? <span class="pagenum" id="Page_123">123</span>Why am I cursed with a unsociable - disposition?”</p> - - <p>When my sisters young man had read about the go, and the hi, and - evrything, he said: “Johnny, I wonder, O, I wonder how did them facts - become known to you. Can it be possible that you inherit them from your - gifted uncle?”</p> - - <p>I said, “Yes, I did.” Then he said: “Well, well, well, who would have - thought it? This is the worst case of trance mission which I have ever - knew about. Yes, indeed, it beats the ever lastin Dutch!”</p> - - <p>Some folkes bears false witness, but Uncle Ned he knows every thing - which is in the world, and he is increddible.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_124">124</span> - <h3 id="THE_RHI_NOSEY_ROSE">THE RHI NOSEY ROSE</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">MY father he told me why didnt I write about the unicorn. I said I - would, so I set down and wrote about its 1 horn, and how it had a mane - like horses, and how it stood on its hind feets for to fight lions, and - every thing I could think of, but when I come to its tail I said did it - have a tassel. Then my father he said: “If you have got to the end of - your subject why dont you stop?”</p> - - <p>But my sisters young man says the unicorn is nothing only but just a - rhi nosey rose. Pretty soon after that Uncle Ned he said: “Johnny, I - know you are just dyin for to know something about the rhi nosey rose.”</p> - - <p>Then I spoke up and said: “The rhi nosey rose is the most powful beast - which is known to man. He is found in the jingles of the Nile, but the - feller which finds him is lost his own self, for ever and ever, amen. - The rhi is a 4 legger and gamles oer the green with whirl wind speed to - catch the natif nigger as he flies afar. But the travler meets him eye - to eye and fels him to the plain and writes a book about it. The lion<span class="pagenum" id="Page_125">125</span> - roars like distant thunder, the gorillys song is as the wind among the - pines, the long lament of the hi potamus is mournful for to hear, and - the harpsicord cracky dile sobs out his heart on the evenin blast, but - the rhi nosey rose hasn’t a word to say. He is all buisness.”</p> - - <p>Uncle Ned said: “My boy, you are eloquenter than preachin, and I have - listened to your perioration with delight and profit cause I know that - them gloing periods come straight from the heart of your sisters young - man, which wrote them for you. Cherish him, Johnny, cherish him as the - apple of your eye, for he is a realy genuine bombastic, but when it - comes to rhi nosey roses he isnt in it with your uncle Edard, not by a - heap! Frexample, can he tell you how the rhi came to have a horn on his - nose? I trow not.”</p> - - <p>I asked how it was, and he said: “When the distinguished naturaler - which you have just quoted wrote about the lions roar, and the gorillys - song, and the quiring of the flopdoodle, and so 4th, he was mighty - close to a great discuvery, but he missed it pretty slick. One day in - the Garden of Eden them fellers was a showin off their voices, and it - made the rhi feel mighty lonely.” So he said to Adam: “If you please, - sir, Ide<span class="pagenum" id="Page_126">126</span> like for to be frightful my self.”</p> - - <p>Adam said: “Well, you aint particlarly reassurin to them which has good - eye sight, as you are, but come to me to-morrow and we will see what - can be done.”</p> - - <p>That night, while the rhi was a sleep, Adam made a big horn grow on the - rhi, and when the rhi came next day he said, Adam did: “Now you can be - just as alarmin to the blind as them other chaps. All you got to do is - to blow your horn.”</p> - - <p>“Johnny, when you go to the zoo and see the rhi a liftin up his lip - and twistin it round in such a awfle way dont you be afraid, cos he - is only just a tryin for to blow his horn to beat the resoudin lion, - put to shame the deafening hyena and parolyze with envy the hoo-hooing - rhododandrum. He dont always succeed, but if you go frequent you will - some day be rewarded with a blast which will make the heavens be mute.”</p> - - <p>I asked Uncle Ned what makes the snale have a shell always on his back, - and he said: “It dident use to be so. The snale was created all right, - but it sought out many inventions and told them without turnin a hair. - One day Adam he seen the snale creepin along the gravel walk, and he<span class="pagenum" id="Page_127">127</span> - said, Adam did: 'You lazy worm of the dust, why don’t you get a move on - you?’</p> - - <p>“The snale it said: 'Ime the swiftest quodped which flies a long - the plain, when I try. I devours distance like it was a string of - maccarony, and there is only a imadginary line between the place where - I am and the place where I want to be. I over take the kangaroon as he - flies for his life, and the pigeon in the sky weeps to see me vanish - below his horizon. When I go west it is always the same time of day - with me, but when I turn east it is mid night before I have took a half - dozen jumps.’</p> - - <p>“Adam said: 'My, but you are spry when you are in a hurry. I spose you - aint goin any where in particklar today.’</p> - - <p>“The snale it said: 'Ime sick today, and have jest dragged my self out - of the house for to get a breath of fresh air.’</p> - - <p>“Adam he said: 'Where do you live, when you are to home?’ and the snale - said: 'In that curly house away over there on the other side of the - gravel walk.’</p> - - <p>“Adam he thought a while, and bime by he said: 'It would be a great - pity if the swiftest quodped which skowers the plain should take cold - and die. You<span class="pagenum" id="Page_128">128</span> just go right in to your house again, and dont you leave - it till I tell you.’</p> - - <p>“Then Adam he walked a way and wank his eye, to his self and said: 'I - have such a bad remember, may be Ile forget to tell him.’</p> - - <p>“Johnny, that’s just what happened, so the fool snale, bein forbid to - leave his house, has to take it along with him where ever he goes. And - that will teach you never to brag about what you can do if you cant do - it.”</p> - - <p>But if Adam would scold me and Billy we would say: “You bad old man, - what for did you eat that apple and make us all go to Sunday school?”</p> - - <p>But a apple dumplin, plenty sugar on it, is as musicle as Apoloes loot.</p> - - <p>In Madgigascar the natif niggers build their houses on the tops of - posts for to keep the snakes out, and one day 2 natifs was a settin - on the floor playin cards, and a rhi nosey rose he had gone under - the house. Then he stuck his horn up through the floor between the - niggerses legs. One of them said: “Whats that?”</p> - - <p>But the other feller, which had just played a card, and was a studdyin - his hand, and didnt see the horn, and he said: “You know what it is - well enough, <span class="pagenum" id="Page_129">129</span>have you got any thing to beat it? Thats the question.”</p> - - <p>The other feller said he didnt believe he had, and arose his self up - and jumped out of the window. Then the rhi walked away with the house - on his head, and you never have saw such a astonish feller as the one - which was a studdyin his hand!</p> - - <p>When the rhi meets the ephalent he roots him with his sticker in the - stumach of the belly, like the rhi was a hog, and the eph he wollups - the rhi with his proboscus, like beatin a carpet for to get the dust - out. My picture book it says that when the rhi has got the eph on his - sticker the ephs grease runs in to the rhis eyes and puts them out. I - asked Mister Gipple, which has been in Africa, if that was so. Mister - Gip he thought a while, and bime by he said: “Yes, that was true a long - while ago, but one day the rhi nosey roses they held a public meetin - to see if something couldnt be done about it. There was a hundred ways - pointed out for to stop it, but all them which had the best plans - and made the longest speeches was the blind fellers. Bime by a old - rhi which hadnt said any thing he rose hisself up and said: 'Mister - chairman, I have give this matter much atention, and while I aint sure - that the trouble<span class="pagenum" id="Page_130">130</span> can be untirely stopped, I think mebby some thing - might be done toward it by keepin away from the ephalents.’</p> - - <p>“Then they all rised in wrath and gored him with their stickers, and - put him out, cause they said this was a pratticle matter and they didnt - want nobodys fine spun theories.</p> - - <p>“After a while a rhi which had been away he come in and asked what was - the objek of the meetin, and when he was told he spoke up and said: - 'You gam doodled idiots, why dont you stickum in the back? Grease don’t - run up hill.’</p> - - <p>“Then they all hollered: 'Hooray! thats jest what we was a goin to say - our selfs. We will make this feller our king!’</p> - - <p>“So they put a gold crown on his head, and give him a jacknife with 4 - blades, and a kite, and a peg top, and some fire crackers, and all the - candy which he could eat.</p> - - <p>“And now, Johnny, Ile tell you a other. One time a rhi it got mired - in the mud of the Nile, which had overflew its banks, and the rhi was - about to be drownded in the water. While he was thinkin of all the - sins which he done, how he had gored the poor little hi potamuses, and - trampled down the niggerses corn, and hadnt looked<span class="pagenum" id="Page_131">131</span> like the pictures - on the circus posters, and every thing naughty, there was a cammel. - Then the rhi he hollered: 'Bully for you! I thought no body would come - along, but I see that the righteous is never forsook.’</p> - - <p>“The cammel he looked a while, real solemn out of his eyes, as you so - graphicle say, and then he said: 'What special advantage do you promise - your self from my knowin that there is the remains of a rhi nosey rose - under the mud of this river?’</p> - - <p>“The rhi he seen the cammel wasnt a goin for to do anything for him, so - he said: 'I don’t care what you know, nor what you dont know, but when - a feller is departin this life he goes more willin and lamb like if he - sees at his bed side one of them objeks which makes life so everlasty - disgustin.’”</p> - - <p>But if I was a rhi nosey rose I rather be a eagle, cause the eag is - the umblem of the land of the free, and has the stars and strips - embludgeoned on his breast! </p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_132">132</span> - <h3 id="SWANS">SWANS</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">A MAN which had a swan his boy was home from colledge, and one day the - boy he come in with a gun and said, the boy did: “A awfle big snake - stuck its head up out of the grass in the pond in the lawn, and I knew - it was a lookin for your swan, for to bite it, so I shot it, now give - me some spendin money, cause I saved your swan.”</p> - - <p>But it was the swans neck which he had shot, and his father said: “I - sent you to Yale for to learn what swans is, and now I got to send you - to Harverd for to learn what snakes is, and fore you know every thing - its a goin to mighty xpensive to your poor old father.”</p> - - <p>Little swans is signets and my sisters young man he says their tracks - in the mud is their signetures, but that isent so, cause signetures is - writtin “Johnny” real plain on a piece of paper and showin it to your - mother.</p> - - <p>Today while Uncle Ned was in the parlor my mother she come in and said: - “Edard, since Johnny took to writin them animal stories, and you took - to sendin them to that nasty news paper, we havent<span class="pagenum" id="Page_133">133</span> been any thing but - just a famly of jokers, like we was clowns in circusses, and you have - been the head of it all. I blieve every body in town is a laughfin at - us. If you havnt got any self respeck for your own self you ought to - have some for me and your niece.”</p> - - <p>Uncle Ned he got up and put his hand in his waist coat and bowed and - said, real sollemn: “The subjeck on which I have had the honor to - be addressed is of national importance, and one in which I take the - deepest intrest, and I thank the delegation for the able manner in - which it has been presented. Appreciatin the dificultys of my position, - you will not xpect me to say more at present, but I can ashure you that - what it has been my privlege to hear shall be submited to my colleags - and will recieve the most atentif considderation.”</p> - - <p>My mother she was astonish, like Uncle Ned was out of his head, and - she looked at him a while, and then she walked slow out of the room, - a sayin: “Well, I never!” But the minute the door was shut Uncle Ned - he said: “Quick, Johnny, jump to your work, once there was a dog, or - a horse, or a hipporaucus, or a 3 leg rammidoodle, or any thing which - you can think of, theres<span class="pagenum" id="Page_134">134</span> your paper and heres a pencil, spring, I tell - you, look alive!”</p> - - <p>But I was so xcited that I couldent think of any thing for to write, so - I jest busted out a cryin, and Uncle Ned said: “One time there was a - weepin willow.”</p> - - <p>About a hour after wards my mother, which was a knittin, she looked up - and said: “Edard, why is a ephalent like a man which is a goin on a - jurney?”</p> - - <p>Uncle Ned, which was a readin a book, he shut it up, and stood up on - his feets, and then he laid it away, and walked over to where my mother - was, and looked her in the face and pretty soon he fetched 3 chairs and - set them before her, and she said: “What do you mean, Edard, I have - never seen such actions.”</p> - - <p>But Uncle Ned he went and got Billy, and set him in one of the chairs, - and then he put me in a other, and give me a pencil and a piece of - paper. Then he set his self down in the other chair, and Bildad, thats - the new dog, it come and set down long side of Billy. After we was all - put, and nobody had spoke, cause me and Billy thought it was some game - which was to be played, Uncle Ned he looked at mother and said: “I give - it up, now for the answer. Be sure you get it right, Johnny.” </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_135">135</span></p> - - <p>But my mother she was a gettin redder and redder, like beets, and bime - by she got up and flounced out of the room, furiouser than any thing - which I have ever saw in all my life, or Billy ever seen in hisn. There - was never such a dizzy pointed man as Uncle Ned was, but he says they - are all just that way, in Indy and every where.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_136">136</span></p> - <h3 id="THE_HIPPORIPPUS">THE HIPPORIPPUS</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">MISTER GIPPLE, which has been in Africa, he said: “Johnny, if your - ungennerous kinsman hadent saw fit for to impeech my credibility, - which is the most precious juel in my crown, Ide tell you about the - hipporippus.”</p> - - <p>I said what was it like, and he said: “It is a little like a ephalent, - cause it has got teeths mighty plain to see, and a little like a - cammel, cause it has got a back, and a little like a giraft, cause it - has got a neck, and a little like a jackus, cause its voice is heard - in the stilly night, and a little like a man, cause it is pizen. It is - a off spring of the thunder and the grave, and is distant related to - the surf beat shore. When it winks a black shadow sweeps across the - face of the world, and when it opens its eye again light breaks upon - the land scope like dawn over the eastern hills. It walks a merridian - of longitude and, lo, the east is parted from the west for to make - room! It laughfs in fiendish glee and the milk sours in the cows of all - nations. Yet this tempestilent creature can be as gentle as a suckin - whirl pool<span class="pagenum" id="Page_137">137</span> and coo like laughture in a toomb.”</p> - - <p>I asked where was the hip found. Mister Gipple thought a while, and - bime by he said: “A contented mind is better than great riches, but - if you cant smuther your curosity you may look for it just out side - the scruburbs of most any Afcan village, for it is mighty sociable and - loves the fellership and communion of yuman beings better than pie. But - when you go for to find the hip you better empty your pockets of your - marbles, and your peg top, and your kite string, and your jack knife, - and your base ball, and your 12 inches of rusty chain, or you will know - them no more for ever.”</p> - - <p>I said would the hip take them away from me, and he said: “No, it wont, - it will take you away from them.”</p> - - <p>But if I met a hip I would roll my sleefs up, and spit on my hands, and - thunder: “You cowerdly feller, if you come a step nearer I will go home - and tell my father!”</p> - - <p>And thats why I say courage is the stuff of life, and none but the - brave deserts the fair!</p> - - <p>Mister Gipple says one time Mister Pitchel, thats the preacher, was a - mitionary in Africa, like he was<span class="pagenum" id="Page_138">138</span> his self, and he converted all the - peoples in a town, and they jest doted on him. But one night a natif - nigger snook in to Mister Pitchels hut and said, the natif nigger did, - “You better leave here mighty quick, for they are a goin to boil you.”</p> - - <p>Mister Gipple, which was astonish, he said: “I guess there is a - mistake, cause Ime so popular.”</p> - - <p>The natif nigger he said: “Thats jest the reason, for they say you are - a saint and it would bring a blessin to the town for to have a few of - your rellics, jest your shin bones, and a half dozzen of the nuckles of - the spine of your back, and maybe the skull of your head.”</p> - - <p>I asked Mister Gipple if them rellics of Mister Pitchel, would have - done any good, and he said: “Well, Johnny, not bein a church feller, - Ime not shure about it, and Ime particklar scepticle about the head, - seein it has never done him any good his own self, but them shin bones - surely did work a mirracle when he was a pullin out of that town.”</p> - - <p>Mister Gipple says there was a other mitionary preacher, and he had - only but just one leg, like Mister Jonnice. One day the king of the - cannibals asked him to dinner. So he slicked his self up and went. The - king said: “Ime glad to see you, now<span class="pagenum" id="Page_139">139</span> take your close off.”</p> - - <p>The 1 legger he said: “Yessir, I see Ime not in the fashion, but I - thought you would be indulgent to a benighted forreign feller which is - your guest at dinner.”</p> - - <p>The king he spoke up and said: “You dont seem for to under stand. You - are the dinner.”</p> - - <p>The one legger he seen how it was, but he smiled real polite and said: - “O, I beg pardon, how many of you are to eat me?”</p> - - <p>The king said there was 2, countin the dog which was to be give the - bones. Then the mitionary said what was the choice parts of a feller - like him, and the king said: “You chaps is like frogs. Unless fammin - stalks abroad in the land we dont care for anything you have only but - just the hind legs.”</p> - - <p>The mitionary said: “Ime mighty glad for to hear you say so, cause Ide - like to keep my head a while. I need it in my business. Here is one - of my hind legs, which will last you till midnights holy hour, and to - morrow I will bring you the other.”</p> - - <p>So he reached under the table and took off his cork laig and laid it - fore the king, which was so rattled that fore he knew what to do the - mitionary had hopped<span class="pagenum" id="Page_140">140</span> away.</p> - - <p>Mister Jonnice says when he gets rich he is a goin to buy a leg of - sandal wood with the sandal on it, but I say blessed is the poor, for - they shall go through the eye of a needle, hooray! </p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_141">141</span></p> - <h3 id="JACKUSSES">JACKUSSES</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">A FELLER was a ridin one, and every little while it would stop and - bray. The feller he said: “For goodness sake, dont be 2 nusances to - once. If you are a goin to sing you must trot along same time, but if - you prefer to stop you got to hold your tongue. Ime a long way from - home, and my wife is lyin at the point of death, and night is comin on, - and I havent had my supper, but tween you and me I dont care which plan - you adopt.”</p> - - <p>One day when my father was in Nevady he met a Cornish miner comin up - the grade to Virgina City, carryin a jackus on his shoulders, and my - father he said: “Poor little animal! What broke its leg?”</p> - - <p>The miner he said: “Ta blessit moke have luggit I all ta way from Reno, - and I be givin he a bit of a rest fore ridin in to town, thats what - brakit uns lag.”</p> - - <p>Old Gaffer Peters has got a son which was a sailer, like Jack Brily, - and the boy stopped in Spain and got married. One time he wrote to old - Gaffer and sent the letter to my father for to be give<span class="pagenum" id="Page_142">142</span> him, but my - father opened it his self, cause he thought it was hisn. The letter had - a photy grap in it of old Graffers little grand son. But my sisters - young man he snook out the picter and put in a other one, which was - a baby with the head of a jackus. My father he dident know, and he - give the letter to old Gaffer, which looked at the picter, and then - read the letter, and then thought a while real sollemn, and bime by he - said: “When a young feller makes a fool of his self and marrys a wild - Spainard his boys dont look like his home folks one bit.”</p> - - <p>But father he said: “Why, Gaffer, I never see such a spekin likeness as - that pictur is of you.”</p> - - <p>Old Gaffer he put his spettacles on again and looked at it a other - time, real long, and then he shook his head and said: “Ole age is - onorable, but it makes a feller look like a dam rabbit!”</p> - - <p>Jackusses looks like mules, and Franky, thats the baby, looks like he - would bust, and Missy she looks at her young man, and says to her self: - “How nice!”</p> - - <p>But if she had saw him when he wank his eye at Mary, thats the - house maid, she wouldnt think so, for winkin is pligamy and thats - trigonomatry.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_143">143</span></p> - - <p>I ast Uncle Ned did he know what makes the Jackus bray, and he said: - “Yes, I do. In the Garden of Eden Adam had a field of barly, and he - told the animals that if they didnt keep out of it he would cast them - all in to a lake of ever lastin fire. Now the jackuses tail was created - up right, like it was the mast of a ship, so one day the jack he come - to Adam and said: 'Ide like you to make my tail hang down like the - other fellerses tails, cause they say Ime proud.’</p> - - <p>“Adam knew that the jackus was really proud and he wondered, Adam did, - why he wanted his tail down, but he done it and the jack thanked him - and went away. Bime bi Adam he seen the jackuses trackx all thrugh the - barly field, and it had et barly. Then he knew the jack had ask him to - let down his tail so it wouldn’t show above the barly and be tray him. - So Adam he said: 'You are a mighty smart feller for a thief. Ile keep - my sacred word about that tail, but you will wish you hadent spoke.’</p> - - <p>“So the tail hangs down, to this day, but evry little while the jackus - yields to a inate ambition and primevle desire for to set it up like - it was made, but when ever he tries to arise it it hurts him so<span class="pagenum" id="Page_144">144</span> awfle - that he utters his soul in mournful song.</p> - - <p>“Johnny, you just let the morral of this story sink deep into your - heart and you will grow up a good man and some day be Presdent.”</p> - - <p>If I was Presdent I would take my big sword and cleave the wicked - Demcrats in twain, for the Bible it says them which is sinners shall - have ever lastin life!</p> - - <p>I said did Uncle Ned know what for Mexican dogs havent got any hair, - and he said: “Yes, I learnt it from a old man script which I found in a - Hindoo temple in Kansas. One day soon after the creation Adam he was a - walkin in the Garden and he seen a dog with long curly hair which hung - clear down to the ground. Adam he said: 'My! what a beautiful back of - hair you have got.’</p> - - <p>“Now, the dog was a fool and prouded his self on his hair, so he - answered: 'You ought to seen it fore I had that fever. It hasent been - the same since.’</p> - - <p>“Adam he knew there hadnt been no fever, cause there wasnt any sin, for - it is sin which makes a feller sick.”</p> - - <p>I ast Uncle Ned was it sin which made Franky sick the time he had a - pain in his lap and howled like he was<span class="pagenum" id="Page_145">145</span> cats. Uncle Ned said: “Yes, it - was, cause the sins of the father shall be fisted on to the childern, - and you are mighty lucky it was Franky in stead of you which sufferd - for my wicked brothers Repubcan afiliations. It will be you next time - if you dont stop encurrigin him to support a Presdent which eats with - niggers. But I was tellin you about that dog.</p> - - <p>“When Adam heard him lie he made a jump at him for to kick him over - the garden wall, but the dog he lit out for Mexico so fast that the - friction of the atmisphere set him afire and burnt his hair every - little bit off. He lived for to found a large famly in the land of his - adoption, but they are all bald just like he was.</p> - - <p>“Now, my boy, you go and tell your angel sister about this, cause there - never was a woman which dident say her hair used to be longer fore - she had a fever. They are mighty funny, women be, and have got to be - crushed out with a ironicle hand!”</p> - - <p>Yesterday Mister Pitchel, thats the preacher, he was to our house, and - he said to Uncle Ned: “Brother Edward, have you read in the paper a - bout the cruelty of the warden at the Sing Sing penitentionary?” </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_146">146</span></p> - - <p>Uncle Ned he said he did, and it was just like him, for he is a - Repubcan.</p> - - <p>Then my father spoke up and said: “Politics hasnt got any thing to do - with it. Its cause the prisners is Demcrats.”</p> - - <p>Mister Pitchel he said: “Surely, Robert, you don’t justfy mistreatin - convicks be cause of their politicle faiths!”</p> - - <p>My father said: “Yes, I do. When a fellers politicle faith makes him - burgle, and garote, and bigam, and larcen, and shoot, and go to the - theater with a other mans wife I say shut him up in a dark, unwholesome - cell and give him fits three times a day with a black snake whip. If I - was that warden and any news paper man come around pokin his nose in - to none of his business Ide take him by the scruf of his pants and the - seat of his neck and chuck him into the bay. I respeck the preachin - trade much as any body, Mister Pitchel, but I bedam if I wouldent!”</p> - - <p>Then Uncle Ned he said: “Robert, your eminent services in reformin the - geography of this state entitle you to a respectable hearin, even when - you dont swear, and I should like to have your views on penology more - at length.” </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_147">147</span></p> - - <p>My father he said: “What is penology?” and Uncle Ned said it was the - sience of punishment. Then my father he said: “My views on penology is - to lickum.”</p> - - <p>Mister Pitchel he said: “Then you blieve in the eficacy of phisical - torture?”</p> - - <p>My father he said: “I blieve it hurts, and that is all I want to know - about it. But come to think, I guess it does a heap of good too. When - Billy and Johnny gets it, and they dont have to ask me twice for it, it - isnt necessary for me to waste any time after ward a pointin out the - wickedness of dizzy bedience and expoundin the beauty of a godly life. - They seem to get on to all that their own selfs, and to remain in a - proper state of mind for quite a little wile. What is good enough for - my boys is good enoughf for stealers, and cheaters, and assassinaters, - and fellers which buy ice cream for other fellers wifes, like I said be - fore. My further views on penology is that when a gum dasted galoot is - sent to prison I dont care a ding what is the nature of his xperence - there, nor whether at the end of his term he comes 4th alive or not. - If he didnt like the way the house is conducted he neednt have gone - into it. The warden isnt a standin outside the front door invitin any - body in for to share the ospices of the place. The sons of guns invites - their<span class="pagenum" id="Page_148">148</span> selfs!”</p> - - <p>When my father had got done he looked all round for some thing to kick, - but Bildad, thats the new dog, he knew what was up and snook under the - sofa, and Mose, which is the cat, he fled afar.</p> - - <p>But the Bible it says dont let your angry passions rise up and call you - blest. And thats why I say man is of few days and full of woman.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_149">149</span></p> - <h3 id="SOLJERS">SOLJERS</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">SOLJERS isent animals, but they can lick the hi potamus and the tagger, - and the rhi nosey rose, and evry thing which is in the world. When - I grow up Ime a going for to be a soljer, and then Ile draw my long - sticker and cut off all the fellers which I dont likes heads and say: - “Hooray! that will teach you that Columby is the gem of the ocean.”</p> - - <p>Then the Presdent will say: “What a brave soljer, make him a major - General and give him all the candy which he can eat!”</p> - - <p>One time there was some cannon soljers a shootin off cannons at a - target, and one of them was out in front, bout a hundred feet to one - side of the target, for to see if it was hit, but it wasent, cause the - cannon balls they kept a comin real close to his self and makin him - duck and dance lively, you never seen such a frighten soljer!</p> - - <p>Just as he was a goin to run away, cause he couldnt stand it, bang went - a cannon ball right through the bulls eye of the target. Then he took - his pipe out of his pocket, and fild it, and while he was<span class="pagenum" id="Page_150">150</span> a feelin for - a match he said to his self: “Ime all right now, cause they have got - mad and are a shootin at <i>me</i>.”</p> - - <p>One day while our front door was a standin open, my father, which had - just come in, he met Mary, thats the house maid, in the hall, and he - said: “Mary, I know what you like, there is some soljers comin down the - street with a brass band, and—” but fore he could say a other word Mary - just vannished like she was shot out of a gun and was a flyin down the - street for to see the soljers, and my mother she stepped out of the - parlor with Franky in her arms. My father he looked at her, and then he - looked at Franky, and then he took off his spettacles and wiped them, - real careful, and put them on again, and took a other look, and said: - “Why, bless my soul, I would have swore it was Mary! You go in the - kitchen and tell her to take off her apron, and put on her jacket and - her hat, and slick her self up a bit, and go and see the soljers.”</p> - - <p>I ast Mister Gipple wasnt he proud when he was a soljer, and he - said, Mister Gipple did: “I wasnt proud only but one time. One day - a ungenerus fo took a mean advantige of me and come at me with his - sticker when my hands was full. I turnd<span class="pagenum" id="Page_151">151</span> my back on him, real scornful, - for about a mile, then he fleed and I entered my camp in triump!”</p> - - <p>I said what was Mister Gippleses hands full of, and he said: “Johnny, - if you had ast me at the time, I couldnt have told you, but when my - captain pinted it out to me I remembered. They was full of revolvers.”</p> - - <p>But if me and Billy was there Billy would met that cowerd fo, eye to - eye, and laughfed him to scorn! When he is a man he is a goin for to - be a captin of milishes, and ride a majesticle black steed, and cut - Demcrats heads off and fling them to the Presdents feets, a shoutin the - battle cry of fredom! But give me a home on the ocean wave, with a nice - Sunday school book and plenty pirates for my pray!</p> - - <p>Jack Brily, which is the wicked sailor, swears and chews tobaco and - every thing, he says once when he was a pirate there was a other ship - which looked like it was about to flounder. Jacks captin he said: “That - ship is dangerously over manned. Jack, you take all our men and board - her and make all hern walk the plank.”</p> - - <p>So Jack and all the other pirates xcept the captin they give 3 cheers - and got in their boat, with their cutlashes<span class="pagenum" id="Page_152">152</span> drawed, and boarded the - ship, insted of which about a thousand jolly, jolly mariners arosed up - from the deck and pointed blunder busters at them, and the captain of - the ship come forwerd and said: “In reply to this funny way of hailin a - strange craft I have to say that this is the <i>Nancy Ann</i>, 7 days - out from Boston, and over loaded with apple pies. We was just a goin - for to jettison some of the cargo, but I guess you fellers will do just - as well.”</p> - - <p>So Jack and his mates was made to sit down and eat apple pies till they - was most busted and dead sick. That made the ship so light that she - walked the waters like a thing alive, and the pirate captin was left - lamentin.</p> - - <p>I ast Jack why that didnt make a honest man of him, and he said: “It - did, Johnny, it did. I resolvd for to repent and lead a bitter life, - and I havnt been a apple pirate from that memorable day. Mince and - helpin in my dads butcher shop is good enoughf for me.”</p> - - <p>Uncle Ned he says he guesses that is true, for Jack is mighty well - qualified for to swear off and on.</p> - - <p>Mister Gipple said did I know about the battle of Gettyburg. I said no, - I didn’t, and he said: “Well, Johnny,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_153">153</span> Ile tell you, for it was the - dandiest battle which ever was. I was there my self or it maybe would - have been diferent.</p> - - <p>“You see, Johnny, our soljers was on a hill, and Mister Lees was on a - other, but ourn was the best hill and they wanted it. But Mister Mead, - which was our captin, he was a brave man, and he sent for me to come - over behind our hill, where he was readin a novel, and he said, Mister - Mead did: 'General Gipple, if them misguided fellers which are in arms - again our country and the Repubcan party come over our way and want to - get on this side the fence you shut the gate in their gum dasted faces - and tell them to clear out.’</p> - - <p>“So I went back, and pretty soon I seen Mister Picket a comin, follerd - by ten thousand hunderd rebbel soljers, and I shut the gate. When they - had come real close up Mister Picket poked his ugly head over the fence - and said: 'Hello, Yank, we want to get in for to bile some coffy. The - feller which we are on his farm he wont let us light fires.’</p> - - <p>“Then I spoke up in thunder tones and said, real sarcostic: 'You havnt - got the price of admition.’ </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_154">154</span></p> - - <p>“Mister Picket he said: 'Dont you dare to taunt us with our povity! Its - true we aint rich, cause you have stole all that we had, but we are - mighty many, for the angels is on our side.’</p> - - <p>“Then I spoke up real sneery, and said: 'If you have any regments of - angels I guess they are sort of hangin back. I dont seem to see any of - their wings a floppin in the breeze.’</p> - - <p>“Just then Mister Hancock rode up behind me and said: 'Generl Gipple, - stand firm, we got some angels of our own. Mister Mead ordered me to - report to you with my whole dam celestial out fit.’</p> - - <p>“I said: 'Thank you, Mister Hancock, they will be right handy for to - carry to Heaven the souls of the Confedit slane just as fast as I can - supply them.’</p> - - <p>“And then, Johnny, I roled my sleefs up and that memorble slotter was - began! I dont need to give you the bleedy details. Suffice it that - when I was done that host lay withered and strew and Mister Picket was - a hikin back to his base as fast as his 2 laigs could carry him, and - our soljers was a singing the dogs ology real tuneful, like they was - canarys.”</p> - - <p>I asked Mister Gipple did he do it all his own self, and he said: - “Nuthin but only just the killin, Johnny. <span class="pagenum" id="Page_155">155</span>Far be it from me for to - deprife my comrads of the glory which justly blongs to the sons of hope - and faith. If it hadent been for the morl sport which they give me by - cheerin me on, and by their xclamations of wonder and delight, it would - have took me longer.”</p> - - <p>The Bible it says that thou shall not kill unless you are smote on one - cheek or the other, but Uncle Ned he says a feller which would smite - Mister Gipple on either cheek would skin his nuckles.</p> - - <p>A other time Mr. Gipple said: “Johnny, there is a other great warior - in this town, and it is Mister Pitchel, which is the preacher, as you - truly describe him. He was the chaplin of the army wen it was in Cuby. - One day there was a real hard fight, and when he run away he got lost - in the forest primevle. Then he see a feller down on his knees behind - a tree, a prayin loud and shril. So Mister Pitchel he joind him and - prayed too, but pretty soon he noticed that the feller was a prayin in - Spanish, so Mister Pitchel he said amen mighty quick and got up for to - resume his go. Then the Spainard he said amen too, and picked up a gun - and hollered: 'Come back, ye dom herry tick, or if I dont make buzzerds - meat of yer dhirty<span class="pagenum" id="Page_156">156</span> caircase may I nivver see ould Tiperary again!’</p> - - <p>“Mister Pitchel he went back and was took prisner. Then he said: 'I - guess you was a prayin for the sucksess of the Spainish arms, wasent - you?’</p> - - <p>“The feller said: 'The divel a bit, they have been licked and I was - prayin for the sucksess of their legs, as is the duty of me holy - office. Ime their chaplin, bedad.’”</p> - - <p>Mister Pitchel says he will pray for Mister Gippleses sinful soul, but - Mister Gip he says: “Jest let me catch him at it, thats all!”</p> - - <p>A captin of soljers he went to the camp of the enemies and said: “Some - of you fellers has been a sassin some of us, what for did they do that?”</p> - - <p>The captin of the enemies he said: “O go long about your business, we - havent got any thing agin you.”</p> - - <p>The other captin he said: “Then why do you come in to this neck o woods - and sass us?”</p> - - <p>The captin of the sassers said: “Why dont you move in to a other county - fore we are drove by a relentless fate for to lick you like blazes?” </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_157">157</span></p> - - <p>The captin which had come over he said: “A destiny which is deaf to our - prayers compels us to remain and wollup the innerds out of you.”</p> - - <p>And Mister Gip says that when the relentless fate stacked up aginst the - destiny which was deaf to prayer the earth was piled with hetty combs - of slain!</p> - - <p>But if any body would sass Billy he would cleeve him to the chine!</p> - - <p>My father was a readin a news paper, and all to once he give a long - wissle and said he would be gum dasted! Uncle Ned he looked up and said - what was it, and my father he said by cracky, that was the awfulest - which he ever in his life!</p> - - <p>My mother she jumpt up, and so did me and Billy, and Missy, and Bildad, - the new dog, and Mose, which is the cat. My father he was so xcited - that his spettacles fell off and he couldnt read no more till they was - found, and all the wile he kept a sayin we was in for it, shure, and it - was just what he had been xpectin, and he had always told us it would - come. Bime bi my mother put his spettacles on his nose again, and he - found the place and read, “The war broke out again. The Solid South in - battle aray! The nations capitle in flames! Dredful massaker of the - colored peoples in Virginy!<span class="pagenum" id="Page_158">158</span> Thousands of United States troops shot - dead in their trackx!”</p> - - <p>Then he seen it was nothing only but just a advertisement of a patent - tooth brush and cloes pin combined, and he stopt and got red in the - face, and wiped his spettacles with his thum, and put the paper in the - fire, and said: “Edard, you better stay to home and look after the - women and children, and mebby keep my memry green if I fall. Ime a goin - for to march against the fo!”</p> - - <p>Then he went out and stayed a week. And thats why I say be it ever so - humble, theres no place like home.</p> - - <p>Uncle Ned, which has been in Indy and every where, he says one time in - Siam the king said to his captin of soljers: “I been supportin you and - your lazy fellers for 20 years, and you havnt done nothing for your - keep, only just eat and drink your heads off.”</p> - - <p>The captin he said, the captin did: “Why, we have a inspecktion every - little while, and 2 drills a month, and a dress parade evry day, with a - brass band.”</p> - - <p>The king said: “Yes, I know, but you dont do no fightin.” </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_159">159</span></p> - - <p>The captin he said: “The drummer he knockt the bugler silly only jest - yesterdy, the 1st sargent has a black eye most of the time when he isnt - drunk, and I punches the corples head my self, quite frequent.”</p> - - <p>But the king he said: “That aint enoughf, you got to go and thrash the - fellers army which is a kingin on the other side of the boundry. If you - suckceed in piercin his lines I will make you a earl.”</p> - - <p>So they marched away with banners a flopin, and a long time after werd - the king got a letter from the captin of soljers, and the letter said:</p> - - <p>“Dear Madgesty,</p> - - <p>After a good deal of skilful manoover I have pierced the enemys lines - without a man killed, but the number of missin is considerable. In - fact, my whole army is missin. I guess it is about where it was when I - begun for to move on the enemys works single handed, but I dont know. - You neednt make me a earl, for the king over here has made me a duke.</p> - - <p class="right"> - <span class="mr2">Yourn for Progresiveness,</span><br /> - <span class="smcap">Hop Sing</span>.” - </p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_160">160</span></p> - <h3 id="FISH">FISH</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">MY sisters young man he said: “Johnny, di ever tell you about Jony and - the wale?”</p> - - <p>But I said: “You cant fool me, you want me to say yes, and then you - will say taint so, cause the Bible dont say it was a wale, but a big - fish, and a wale isnt a fish.”</p> - - <p>Then he said: “No, Johnny, it was a wale, I give you my honor, cross my - heart and hope to die, and what I wanted for to pint out is the Bible - says Jony was threw up by the wale after bein swollered, but it stands - to reason it wasn’t so. No, Johnny, he must have digested and become a - part of the wale, for when he was shut up in the stumach of its belly - the thought of home and friends would naturly make him blubber.”</p> - - <p>Then my sister she said: “Any one which falsifys the Scripter and puts - his word against a Bible truth to make such a silly joke as that will - go where the worm dieth not, so there!”</p> - - <p>But her young man he said: “Ile take along a early bird and have some - fun with that feller.”</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_161">161</span></p> - - <p>Jack Brily he was a tellin old Gaffer Peters one day how he was to a - mining town, and how he fished down a shaft, with a line 20 hundred - feet long. Gaffer he said: “What a whopper, I been to mines my own - self, and I know the water in a mine is blazin hot.”</p> - - <p>Jack said: “Thats what makes it easy for to catch the fish, you only - got to use ice cream for bait. Them poor fish is crazy for ice cream.”</p> - - <p>Then old Gaffer said: “Why, Jack Brily, do you think Ime a iddiot jest - cause my hair aint curly like yourn? If there was fish in that water - they would be boild.”</p> - - <p>Jack said: “Thats just it, Gaffer, thats just the idee, cause I dont - consider fried fish is fit to eat.”</p> - - <p>But give me plenty potatos, and mints pies, and peserves, and some do - nots, and molasses, and apple dumps, and Ile take them fried and boild - too.</p> - - <p>A other time Jack was a tellin old Gaffer how he was a travelin once - when he had been ship wreck and didn’t have nothin for to eat, and bime - bi he come to a big lake of oil. So he upped and baited his fish hook - and threw in his line, and in a little while he had cetched a wagon - load of shads.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_162">162</span></p> - - <p>Gaffer he said: “How could shads live in oil?”</p> - - <p>Jack he thought a wile, and pretty soon he said: “Thats a fact, Gaffer - you have raked me fore and aft. Them fish was sardeens.”</p> - - <p>And old Gaffer hasnt never got done braggin about how he caught Jack in - a lie and made him own up.</p> - - <p>One time a nigger fell off a ship and the sailors threw him a rope, - which he caught, and they was a haulin him up when a shark snapped him - in 2. Just then a Southern planter, which was a pasenger, he come on - deck and looked over the side of the ship and seen the shark do it. He - was xcited and hollered: “It has took your hook boys, it has took your - hook! Bring a other one and get a fresh nigger!”</p> - - <p>Some folks thinks niggers is just as good as white men, cause God made - us all in 6 days and was arrested on the 7th.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_163">163</span></p> - <h3 id="THE_POL_PATRIOT">THE POL PATRIOT</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">UNCLE NED he said: “Johnny, do you know about the pol patriot?”</p> - - <p>I said: “Yessir, it can be tought for to talk, just like gerls, and - says, 'Polly wants a cracker,’ frequent.”</p> - - <p>Uncle Ned he thought a wile, and bime bi he said: “This appears to be a - case of mistaken eye dentistry, though there really is a resemble tween - the pol parrot and the pol patriot, particlar in their cast of mind and - their deplorable habit of saying what you have got tired of hearin. But - the patriot he frequent makes the welkin ring, where as the other sport - she only just shreeks like laughfter in a toomb. Both is 2 leggers, but - the patriots is hind ones, and wen he wants to think he mounts them - like a step ladder and does the trick with his toung, mighty awdible.”</p> - - <p>I ast did the patriot have wings, and Uncle Ned said: “Wings is used - for to go some where, but the patriot isnt migratary. He never gets - very far away from his mouth, cause that is his place of business. No, - my boy, the patriot never deserts his country, for he loves it and it - is<span class="pagenum" id="Page_164">164</span> easy for to digest. He admires its instutions like they was pretty - girls in white muslin gowns, servin pie. Its pocket is the haven of - his hand, and the fat on his kidneys is public property dedicated to - private use.”</p> - - <p>But what he meant by all that rigmy roll is what floors me, and Billy - is the same way. And thats why the Bible it says that wisdom is the - root of all evil and flys from the rwath to come.</p> - - <p>My sisters young man he said: “Johnny, if you was a sniposquatamus what - would you rather be?”</p> - - <p>I said it would be nice for to be a pirate, and he said: “Yes, I spose - it would if it wasnt for the hangin, but I was thinkin mebby you would - like to be a brother in law, which are usually acquited.”</p> - - <p>Then Missy she spoke up and said he ought to be a shamed of his self, - puttin wicked thoughts in to a inocent childs head, and tryin to break - up a happy home, you never seen sech a dresin down as that feller got!</p> - - <p>When it was all over he looked at her real sorroful and said: “Yes, I - see I have went to far, dear, so if you dont mind I will just step in - to the kitchen and take a carvin knife and cut my heart out. Johnny,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_165">165</span> - you come with me for to hear my last words and wipe up the gore.”</p> - - <p>But when I begun for to cry he said: “Never mind, Ime a awful firm - chap, but not stuborn, and rather than pain your young soul Ile - postpone the rash deed and content my self with slayin your Uncle Ned.”</p> - - <p>Then Missy said he was a riddiclous old thing and wouldnt hurt a fly.</p> - - <p>Flys are insecks, and a wops is a be, but butter flys is a catter - piller at first, and then it is a crisanthemum.</p> - - <p>And now I will tell you a story about Mister Gipple when he was a - mitionary preacher in Madgigasker and had amast a considable frotchune - in ephalents tushes. Mister Gip is always bragin about the kings he has - met, and he says one day he met the king of Madgigasker, which said: - “Ime told that you are a preachin aginst the gods of my fathers and - have busted the heads off of some of them. Is that so?”</p> - - <p>Mister Gipple he said: “Yes, brother, it has been a joy to me to spread - the light quite wide, and Ime thankfle to say that a few of the ugly - idles which you fellers bow down to have suckummd to the power of the - everlasty truth as it is give me<span class="pagenum" id="Page_166">166</span> to see it.”</p> - - <p>The king said: “Ime a little tired of them idles my self, dont you - think it would help along the good mitionary work for you to convert - Me?”</p> - - <p>Mister Gip he was just happy half to death, and he said: “Yes, indeed, - and if you have time we will begin right now. First you must stop - cuttin your wives noses off for every little thing which they do.”</p> - - <p>The king he said, the king did: “I stopt that this morning. They are - all off.”</p> - - <p>Mister Gipple he wiped away a tear and said: “You must bless them which - hate you.”</p> - - <p>Then the king he said: “The darn galoots darent come near enough to me - for to hear the blessing.”</p> - - <p>So Mister Gip he said: “Well, we will pass that for the present. When - your dog dies you must not discumbowel your high priest on its grave.”</p> - - <p>The king said: “All right, my priminister will do just as well.”</p> - - <p>Mister Gipple he was mighty discuraged, but he said: “You mustnt have - any of your nevews and nieces buried alive when you are took sick.” </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_167">167</span></p> - - <p>The king said: “No fear of that, I have been in mighty poor health all - summer.”</p> - - <p>That shocked Mister Gip so much that he hardly knew what he was a - sayin, and he showted: “Poor miserable worm of the dust!”</p> - - <p>Then the king, which had been sittin on his hawnches, he rose his - self up, mighty magesticle, and said: “I have made every resonable - consession and tried to meet you half way, but when you call me names - you are a goin too far. You jest put new heads on them idles, and give - up all the wealth of ephalents teeths in which you waller, and take - your gum dasted new fangle religion out of my kingdom, or I will skin - your legs!”</p> - - <p>But if any old nigger king would skin mine I would hurl him from - the throne, for the Bible says that all men are created equal, and - endowered with unavailable rights. And thats why the people are the - sores of power.</p> - - <p>Uncle Ned he said: “Johnny, one time in Indy I knew a natif nigger - named Jejybehoy Bilk. He lived just out side the village of - Ipecack-in-the-Jingle and had a mighty nice wife. She didnt wear much - cloes, cause they was poor, but one day I see her a wearin a taggers - skin, and I ast Jej what for she drest so warm in the summer. Jej he - said: ‘Cause a tagger has arived in these<span class="pagenum" id="Page_168">168</span> parts and is makin quite - free with the peoples. Me and Mary Ann thinks that if she wears a - taggers skin when she has to go out to gether sticks mebby the tag will - think her a other tag, and spare her life.’</p> - - <p>“I told him I thought it a good idee, and pretty soon after, when I - met him again, I said: 'Good mornin, how is Mary Ann, and is she still - wearin a taggers skin?’</p> - - <p>“Jej he looked sollemn and said: 'Yes, Edard Sahib, a taggers skin and - a taggers ribs too, in fact, she is wearin a whole tagger.’</p> - - <p>“Johnny, she had been et.” </p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_169">169</span> - <h3 id="COWS">COWS</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">THERE was a feller which had a cow, and the cow had some burs in the - tossel of her tail, and the feller he tried for to pick them out. He - put his fingers through the tossel, like they was a comb, and jest then - the cow she got afraid and started for to walk away. The feller he - couldnt hold her, and he couldnt get his fingers out, so he had to go - too. He said “wo,” and “steddy, now,” and “no occasion for to hurry,” - and evry thing which he culd think of, but the cow she just kept right - on, a goin round and round the field, and him a follerin.</p> - - <p>Pratty soon a big savvage bul dog it come, and after it had showed its - teeths and looked on a while it fell in behind the feller and follered - too. So they kept a goin, the old cow and the feller and the bull dog, - the dog a smellin the mans legs and makin up its mind where to take - hold. The feller he didn’t know whether he would rather have the dog - bite him or bite the cow, but he kept a sayin “wo, bossy,” and “good - doggy,” mighty polite.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_170">170</span></p> - - <p>Bime by a other man he see them and he brought a bucket of slop and - set it down, and when they got round to it the cow she stopt for to - have some, and when her tail was slack the fellers fingers come loose - all right. Then he turned round to the dog, which was settin down a - grinnin, an he shooked his fist at the dog, the feller did, and said: - “You worthless brute, you must take them by the tail, like I have told - you 100 thousand times! If its a goin to take a half a year for me to - teach you how to drive a gentle cow like this Ile sell you, for what - ever I can get.”</p> - - <p>But it was the man that brought the slops dog.</p> - - <p>Some cows is hooky, but the mooly she buts, and thats why I say beware - the awfle avilantch!</p> - - <p>Uncle Ned he says why dont I write about Mister Jonnice, which has the - wood leg. I ast him why Mister Jonnice wasent made Presdent for loosin - his leg so many times for his country, and he said: “He isnt eligible, - for he wasnt borned of American parents. His father was Conshience and - his mother was Truth, and when he was a little feller like you he lived - with her at the bottom of a well. So he dident come<span class="pagenum" id="Page_171">171</span> to this country - till one day he was axidental drew up in a old oaken bucket. Johnny - that man inherits from his mother. He is so truthfle that when he says - a thing is so, why, it wouldnt be any more so if he rwote it down in - red ink and swore to fore a bald headed notary. He is so truthfle that - he faces east when he wants to tell a lie north west. Do you remember - that story of his about the bear? He was one day goin through the woods - when a big black bear arose itself up before him and began for to - hug him real cruel. Mister Jonnice he said: 'Why, darling, this is a - unexpected hapiness. When did you get in?’</p> - - <p>“Then he threw his 2 arms around the bear and squeezed it so tight that - when he let go it lay down and turned so white with sick that Mister - Jonnice toted it to a circus and sold it for a polar.</p> - - <p>“A other time Mister Jonnice was attacted by a lion which came a rushin - at him with its mouth wide open and all its teeths on parade. Mister - Jonnice he just stood still and lifted his wood leg up and stuck it - strait out toward the lion, and the lion went on every side of it like - a bottle around a cork. So the immoral spirit of that monark of the - desert winged its way to a other and bitter<span class="pagenum" id="Page_172">172</span> world fourth with. Mister - Jonnice says that was the first step in his honable career as a lion - tamer. I guess the second is still to be took.</p> - - <p>“Such, my boy, is Mister Jonnice, but the jasky foozle is a other - animal. It inhabbits the crags of the Gangee river and its fluty warble - is heard along with the song of the whipperwil when the natf niggers - pay poker in the gloaming. Its one tooth is white as the soul of a - unborn babe and the shine of its eye is like moon beams on the water - of deep Galalee. When it arises its golden locks above the horizon a - lovely shadow is flung athwort the land and the chickens go to roost - a singing their sweetest songs. It is a six legger, and each leg has - a brass hoof, so the sound of its feetsteps is like chimes of church - bells on a Sabath morning in Normandy. But beware, Johnny, beware the - jasky foozle when summer is green, for it is crueler than the butcher - buisnes and pizen as the grave! When it points its nose your way your - mother wants to see you mighty bad and your legs should be ship shape - for to perform their office.</p> - - <p>“Much more might be said, but I see old Gaffer Peters a comin over to - have a smoke with me, and I guess I better<span class="pagenum" id="Page_173">173</span> go out behind the barn and - plant some coco nuts.”</p> - - <p>I guess if there was a fight tween the jasky foozle and the rhi nupple - dinky and some others of them fellers which Uncle Ned and Jack Brily - and Mister Gipple tells about it would be mighty hard for to say which - was which, and a picture of one would do for them all.</p> - - <p>One day Mister Pitchel, thats the preacher, he seen a picture which - shocked him, cause it repsented a drunk man, but my father he said: - “Well, dont men get drunk, what you growlin about?”</p> - - <p>Mister Pitchel he said did my father aproove every thing in art which - is true to nature, and my father he said: “Mister Pitchel, you have - knew me all my life for a onest man which pays his debts and votes the - straight Repubcan ticket, like he is told, and loves his neibor as - his dog, and wears a stopipe hat quite frequent. Yet you ask me sech - a question as that! As I under stand it, the feller which is always - objectin to naturlness in art is always a sweepin the horizen with a - spy glass and a bendin his self doubble over a microscape for to find - some thing to objeck to. He wants to snuffle or to blush, cause if he - dont he will <span class="pagenum" id="Page_174">174</span>be sick.”</p> - - <p>Uncle Ned, which is a batchelor, he said he guessed folks like that was - mostly women.</p> - - <p>Then my father he said: “I havnt got a word to say about any but the - he ones, for Johnny has pointed out in his writins that woman is the - noblest animal which roams the plain and roars like distant thunder. - But, Edard, the he ones is decendents of them old Puritans which come - to this country when it was little, because in their own they wasnt - let sing hyms through their noses. They landed on Plymuth Rock when it - was jest as easy to step a shore on the grass, and they expect us to - cellebrate it. They liked rocks, particklar to fire at other folkes. - They used to lick the Injens, too, cause the Injens looked sort of - naturel, and came to prayer meeting in their breech clouts, jest as - they was created.</p> - - <p>“Edard, them Puritan 4 fathers of ourn were a gam doodled bad outfit. - When ever one of them had loaded up his old bell mouth blunder bust - with led enoughf for to sink a shot goose, and had got it rightly - pointed at a Injen which mebby wanted his land back, he shet his eyes - up a minute, the Pu did, and, said: 'O Lord of Love, I am about to - discharge a sacred duty, and <span class="pagenum" id="Page_175">175</span>if any fo to religion gets his self in - the way let my light so shine that it will shine right through his - benighted innards, and thine shall be the glory, but Ile take his - blanket and his beads my self. Yours truly, Worm-o-the-Dust Muggins.’”</p> - - <p>Then my father he kicked Mose, which is the cat; and Bildad, thats the - new dog, jumpt through the window. And thats all I know about cows.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_176">176</span> - <h3 id="BUZARDS">BUZARDS</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">I AST my sister: “Dont you think buzards is awfle nasty fellers for to - eat sech things as they do?”</p> - - <p>My sister she said: “What can you xpect of birds that live on a carry - on diet?”</p> - - <p>Thats like old Gaffer Peters, which has got the bald head. My mother - she said to him: “Gaffer, the sun is mighty hot to day.”</p> - - <p>Old Gaffer he said: “Yes, mam, there aint nothing like a warm day for - to heat up the sun.”</p> - - <p>There is folks in Pershia which worships the sun, and one day one of - them fellers was down on his kanees a worshipin as hard as he culd, and - a good mitionary preacher come a long and said: “What a poor ignant - heathener, for to worship some thing that you can see!”</p> - - <p>But the feller which was to his devotions he said: “I aint sech a fool - as you think, for Ime as blind as a bat.”</p> - - <p>There was a hum bird a sippin neckter out of a hunny suckle and there - was a buzerd, and the buz he said to the <span class="pagenum" id="Page_177">177</span>hum: “I would rather starv - than eat sech stuff as that.”</p> - - <p>The hum said: “I am drove to it. When ever I try for to eat a dead - horse one of you fellers says: 'Let that a lone, sonny, for it is - pizen. It hasnt been long enoughf dead.’”</p> - - <p>The buz he said: “Well, if you want to pizen your self you may as well - do it with hunny suckles as by spilin our dinner fore it is ready.”</p> - - <p>But fore I would eat any thing which is dead Ide live on salt pork.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_178">178</span> - <h3 id="THE_CAMEL">THE CAMEL</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-capa">ARRABS drink cammels milk, and have 4 stumachs, which makes them go a - long time with out water.</p> - - <p>One day I was a readin a wondful story about a cammel and a Arrab, and - my father he spoke up and said I mustnt blieve only but half of what I - read. Jest then the story ended by sayin that the half wasent told, and - my father he said: “Thats the half to blieve.”</p> - - <p>A Arrab chief was a leadin his cammel by the halter and a thinkin real - hard, but the cam hadnt any thing in particklar for to ocupy its mind, - so after a wile it snook up and lifted the chiefs turban in its teeths - and et it. Bime bi the chief he begun for to feel the sun a bakin his - head like it was a potato in the uven, cause they shave their hair evry - little bit off, and he stopt and looked around at the cam. The cam - started like it was shot, and puld the holter out of the Arrabs hand, - and stared at him and walked away and stared again, much as to say: “I - never have seen you before in all my life, dont you come near me.” </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_179">179</span></p> - - <p>But after a long time it let it self be cought, and when the Arrab had - turned his back for to resume the voyge the cam drawed the 2 ends of - its mouth up to its ears and wank its eye repeated.</p> - - <p>Mister Gipple he says a other Arrab, which was a travisin the dessert, - lay down for to sleep, and in the middle of the night he woke, and set - up, and rubbed his eyes, and looked again, and final said: “Allah be - praised for grantin His servant this vizion of the Holy Mountain!”</p> - - <p>Then he lay down in the sand with his face toward the Holy Mountain, - which he could see real plain on the horizen against the stars. He - knocked his fored against the ground and prayd all night, but in the - mornin he see it was only just his cammel a kneelin between him and the - ski. So he took a stick, the Arrab did, and beat the cam, and said it - wasnt fit for to carry a True Bliever.</p> - - <p>But the Bible it says that cammels can go through the knee of a idol.</p> - - <p>I ast Uncle Ned what makes the cam have a hunch on his back, and he - said, Uncle Ned did: “One day, in the Garden of Edin the animals was a - showin off what they culd do, and the kangaroon he said <span class="pagenum" id="Page_180">180</span>he could jump - high upper than any other thing which was made in the immage of its - Maker. The cammel curled his lip up, real scornfle and said: 'Why, you - gum dasted creepin thing, I dont blieve you can leave the ground by 10 - inches. Jest try for to jump over <i>me</i> and you will find out what - a many rooted vegtable you are.’</p> - - <p>“So the cam, which was made long like a dox hoond and had a straight - back, it stood still, and the kang he took a few hops and then soared - aloft to go over the cam. But the cam he wank his eye to the other - fellers, much as to say, 'See me fix him!’ and then he huncht his back - up real sudden, and tript the kang, which turned a flip flop and lit on - his head an pretty near broke the spine of his back.</p> - - <p>“When Adam was told about it he said to the cammel: 'Let me see how you - done it.’</p> - - <p>“The cam he huncht his self up again, the same way, and Ad he lifted - up his hands and made some passes in the air and said: 'Presto, - abricadabbry, whee! You jest stay that way while the stars hold their - courses in the fermament and the seasons on earth is bad for the - crops.’ </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_181">181</span></p> - - <p>“So the cammel is hunchy to this day, and his countnence is deep graven - with lines of care and sorry.”</p> - - <p>But if Adam had saw Billy lick Sammy Doppy for his doin that to me when - we played leap frog he would have said, Adam would: “What simpleness! - Why didnt I think to do that to the cam?” </p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_182">182</span> - <h3 id="FLIES">FLIES</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">FLIES is 3 kinds, butter, and fire, and jest flies. The butter he is - first a tadpole, and then he is a crisanthmum, and bime bi he is a real - butter, but not a goat. Mister Pitchel, thats the preacher, he says - that the butter fly a bustin out of the crisanthmum state in to a new - life prooves that we have imortle souls, but my father he says what is - prooved by the butty dyin pretty soon after?</p> - - <p>Once me and Uncle Ned and Missy, thats my sister, we was in the garden - and there was a butter fly, and Missy she said why was they like girls, - meanin that they are fond of flowers, or is pretty, or some sech rot.</p> - - <p>Uncle Ned he spoke up and said: “Cause its good fun to chase them, but - it spiles them to catch them.”</p> - - <p>He says 2 men which had been in a election riot was goin to their homes - in the country one night, and one said to the other: “Let me lean on - you, and what ever happens dont you desert a old friend.” </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_183">183</span></p> - - <p>When they had gone a mile or 2 that way the other feler he said: “Dont - you feel any better now?”</p> - - <p>The staggery man he said: “No, not much, Ime a fraid I will drop. It - must been a awfle blow, not any pain for to speak of, but Ime a seein - stars till this minute!”</p> - - <p>Then the other feller he seen how it was, cause it was only jest the - fire flies, which was evry where, and he said to his self: “A wise man - cant make no body wise, but a fool can make a fool of a other man.”</p> - - <p>When it is a hot day my father he lies down for to sleep. He snores a - while, and then he wakes up and says: “Cuss them flies! Johnny, bring - me the <i>Tribune</i>,” and puts it over his face like it was a tent - and his nose was the center pole. One day I give him the <i>Times</i>, - which Mister Brily, thats the fat butcher, had sent around a calfs - toung, and when my father he waked and seen what paper it was he said: - “Johnny, dident you know what paper this thing is?”</p> - - <p>I said I did, and he said: “Dont you know that flies is better than the - <i>Times</i>?”</p> - - <p>Then I said: “Yes, father, but there was a wops.”</p> - - <p>Father he thought a long time, and final he said: “Well, my son, you - know what I think of flies, and you know what<span class="pagenum" id="Page_184">184</span> I think of news papers, - and particklar you know what I think of the New York <i>Times</i>, but, - Johnny, if there was a wops, and you heard it say that it was a goin to - sit on your fathers nose and sting him deep in both his beutiful eyes, - and your sister was a wearin the <i>Tribune</i> for to improve her - figgure, I will over look your fault this time if you get out of this - real quick.”</p> - - <p>So I jumpt out of the door jest as he flang a book at me.</p> - - <p>The Bible it says thou shall be kind to thy father, for of such is the - kingdom of Heaven, but the wicked shall have eternle life.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_185">185</span> - <h3 id="MUNKYS">MUNKYS</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">A MAN had a pet munky, and the mans boy hated the munky cause it done - every thing which he done his self. One terrible cold winter evenin the - boy got 2 buckets of water and set them out doors. Then he got a piece - of rope and tied it around him under his jacket and let the end hang - down like it was a tail, and then he set down on the edge of one bucket - and let the rope hang in the water. The munky it looked on, and then - it tost its head, contemptible, much as to say it could do that too, - and it went to the other bucket and done it. Then the water it froze - and the boy he untied the rope and went in the house, but the munky - couldent untie its tail, and it stayd there and in the mornin it was - froze to death.</p> - - <p>When the man found the dead munk he swore awful, cause he liked him, - but the boy he come up and put his kanuckle in his eye, like he was - cryin, and said: “Poor little feller, what a pity he died jest as he - had got most out.”</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_186">186</span></p> - - <p>Mister Gipple he says there was a painter, and he painted a picture of - a awfle hiddeous babboon, and he was mighty homely his own self. His - wife she hadnt see the picture, cause she was pretty and didnt care for - art. One day the painter he looked in the parlor where his wife was, - and said: “Ime a goin out, and shant be back till a long time,” for he - was takin the picture of the bab to the mans house which had bought - it. But when he got there the man was too sick abed for to look at it, - so he brought it back home, the painter did, and as he was a passin - the parlor window he looked in and seen his wife a sleep in her chair, - facin the window.</p> - - <p>Then the painter he said to hisself: “I will give her a good scare.” So - he set the picture on the window sil out side, like it was a lookin in, - and then he let his self in the house with a lach key, and set down by - his wife, and took her hand and prest it mighty lovin, and she smiled - in her sleep and mummered “Dear Henry,” which wasnt his name. After a - while she opend her eyes and seen the picture of the bab a lookin in - to the window. She started like she was shot dead, and with out lookin - round she cried out: “O my! he has come back. Get under the <span class="pagenum" id="Page_187">187</span>piano!”</p> - - <p>Now what is the sense of sech a story as that? But the rhi nosey rose - is the king of beasts.</p> - - <p>Jack Brily, which is the wicked sailor, he says one time him and the - captin of his ship and the bosen they went a shore on a savvage iland - for to look for coco nuts. While Jack was a little way from the captin - and the bosen the natif niggers they come and catched them fellers - and took them away and sinked the boat. Then they come back and run - towards Jack for to catch him too, but Jack he stood on his head and - made frightfle faces. So they said he was a god, and led him to their - king, which showed him great respeck and took his cloes off and had him - painted green and yellow, and set him on a clay throne and worshipt him - while he continude to make mouths frequent.</p> - - <p>That night the natif niggers made a great feast of stew and Jack, which - set by the king said: “What is it made of?”</p> - - <p>The king said: “It is horse, which is the noblest of birds.”</p> - - <p>So Jack, which was mighty hungry, he took a big wood spoon and fished - round in the stew pot, and pretty soon brought up a lether belt, and a - shoe string,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_188">188</span> and a finger ring. Then he suddenly leeped to his feets - like a thing of life, and turned a hand spring, and roled his eyes - awful, and shouted: “Rash mortle! Horse is forbid to be et by gods, and - you have stewed it with the harness on! Fetch me some roasted munky - this minute, with the tail on, or I will make your nose grow to your - hand!”</p> - - <p>Jack says he stayed on the iland 5 years and was fed so much munky that - when he excaped to a ship he scampered up the riggin and leeped from - mast to mast and chattered srill! </p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_189">189</span> - <h3 id="BEARS">BEARS</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">BEARS spend the winter in hollow logs and dont eat any thing till - they come out in the spring. One fine spring day a bear come out of a - farmers barn yard and the farmer he see him. Then the farmer said to - his boy: “Jim, you go and tackle that feller and we will have his hide. - He will be easy prey, for he is so thin that he cant cast a shadow.”</p> - - <p>The boy said: “Of course Ile do it if you say so, but he is castin a - mighty black shaddow all the same.”</p> - - <p>The farmer he said: “Non sense, that is the shadow of one of our calfs. - He has et it.”</p> - - <p>One time me and Billy was to the Zoo, and Billy went to the bears den. - The bear sat up and made a lap and Billy he lit a fire cracker and - threw it in the bears lap. The bear looked down at the cracker, which - was a smokin in his fur, and then cocked his head, real knowin, much as - to say: “You cant fool me, that aint no pea nut.” </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_190">190</span></p> - - <p>But when the cracker went off you never have saw such a crazy bear!</p> - - <p>Fire crackers is fine, but give me the canons roar, and the chargers - nay, and the flags a floppin in the breez, and heaps of slain!</p> - - <p>Uncle Ned says once in Indy when him and his dog was a strolin on the - bank of the Gangee a bear come out of the jingle and started for to - swim across. When the dog seen some thing in the water he jumpt in for - to fetch it out, with out thinkin particlar what it might be, but it - was the bears head. But when the dog had pretty near catched up with it - it turned round and give him a smile, like sayin: “Its awfle good of - you to take sech a friendly intrest in a stranger. When we get to the - other side Ile ask you to dinner, and we will have dog.”</p> - - <p>But when the dog seen how things was he rememberd a previous - engagement, and Uncle Ned says there wasnt never any body which tried - so hard for to be punctual.</p> - - <p>Yestday was Valentines day and some wicked feller he sent me one which - was the ugliest ever see. It is drew with a pen, and its me a settin on - a Noays ark with wooden animals before me, and me a writin about them - with my toung out and my legs twisted to gather like grape vines,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_191">191</span> but - not a bit like me, more like Billy. There is a big jackus a standin - behine me with his mouth to my ear, like he was a whisperin in school, - and this is the poetry which is under the pictur, bad spellin and all, - I never see such fool poetry!</p> - - <div class="center-container"> - <div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Now here you are, Johnny, and heres Uncle Ned,</div> - <div class="i0">Composing your stories all out of his head.</div> - <div class="i0">With Genius behind you and Nature before,</div> - <div class="i0">No truth can “kanock” you, no mystery “flore.”</div> - <div class="i0">You’re true as a clock to your subject—at least,</div> - <div class="i0">You write about beasts, and you write like a beast.</div> - </div> - </div> - </div> - - <p>When I got that I took it strait to Uncle Ned, and when he had read it - he looked mighty mad. Then I said: “Uncle Ned, what becomes of wicked - fellers souls when they die?”</p> - - <p>Uncle Ned he said: “Johnny, that is a question which will keep till - you have a optunity to see for your self. This gum dasted villin says - no mystry can flore you, but I guess its just as well not to go out of - your way for to tackle mystries which are peaceful disposed. I respeck - your motive in askin the riddle, cause it is the same which under lies - the holy religion of the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_192">192</span> Pattigonions, but the Bible it says for us to - love our enmies, cause they dont know any better. So I move we forgive - this feller and content our selfs with the hope that what ever is done - to him in a other and bitter world it will be good and plenty.”</p> - - <p>Thats all I know bout bears to day, but Billy he can crow like a - cockadoodle, and the Bible it says let us be up and doin.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_193">193</span> - <h3 id="THE_TAIL_END">THE TAIL END</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">UNCLE NED he said yesterday did I know what was up. I said the girafts - head was upper than any thing. Then he said, Uncle Ned did: “Thats so, - Johnny, but what I mean is do you know what is a goin for to happen in - this house, right under your 2 eyes?”</p> - - <p>Then I looked at my sister to see if she knew, but she was red in the - face, like she was a lobster, and I said why didnt she set further away - from the fire, but mother she said: “Never mind your sister, Johnny, - your uncle is talkin to you, why dont you anser?”</p> - - <p>So I told him no, I didn’t know what was goin for to happen, less Billy - was a goin to get a lickin, and he said: “That’s a safe guess, but what - I mean is you are to have a new brother.”</p> - - <p>I said: “Hooray, I vote we name him Tommy!”</p> - - <p>Uncle Ned he beganned for to laugh, and mother she said: “Edard, if you - have got any thing to say to Johnny why dont you say it like you was a - man of sense,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_194">194</span> Johnny, you hush this minnute, where did Billy put them - sizzors, I think baby is awoke, and that roast has got to be took out - of the uven fore it burns.” And then she walked out of the room like a - thing of life.</p> - - <p>When she was gone, and Missy too, Uncle Ned he stoppd laughin and said: - “Johnny, you have made a mess of this thing. Its nothin but jest only - that your sister is a goin to be married.”</p> - - <p>I said would it be for long, and after a while he said: “I give it up, - ask me a easier one.”</p> - - <p>Last night we had supper late, but I was let stay up, and I et so much - frute cake that I fell a sleep in my chair at the table, and what do - you bet I dreamed? I thought I was a settin all alone at a other long - table, and pretty soon all the animals which I had wrote about come in - and set theirselfs down in the chairs. There was a ephalent, and a rhi - nosey rose, and a giraft, and a wale, and a hi potamus, and a eagle, - and a cammle, and a ostridge, and a big snake, and a rat, and a cow, - and a ri nupple dinky, and a dog, and a cracky dile, and a munky, and - evry kind of feller which roams the plain. I said to my own self: “I - guess this is Noahs ark and its beginnin for to rain.” </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_195">195</span></p> - - <p>Each animal had its feed before it, what ever it liked best. The - ephalent had pea nuts, and the bear had ginger bread, and the giraft - had a wether cock off a steeple, and the ostridge had some black smith - tools, and the rat it was a eatin some Dutch cheese on a trap, and the - cow had a holly hock, and the tagger had a cow, and the snake had a - tagger, and the cracky dile had a natif nigger, you never seen such a - fine dinner, and Missy was a waitin on the gests with a white veil on - and some orang owtang blossoms. Jest as she was a passin Jack Brily to - the shark, the wale, which was eatin scum longside of me at the head - of the table, stood up on his tail, the wale did, and he had a boat - full of wine under his fin, like it was a cup. The wale he blowed a - while, and then he bellerd like a organ, and bime by he spoke up and - said: “Ladys and gents, it isent any use me tellin you why we have met - together to night, cause you know all about it. You know, too, that - we havent ever had a square deal from the relatives of our friend the - gorilly, which calls theirselfs yuman beins. They have been aginst us - from the first, and shiver my timbers if I dont believe thay would send - us all to the bottom if they had the power! Blow me tight, if I wouldnt - rather be a native of Nantucket than any<span class="pagenum" id="Page_196">196</span> one of them! We hav had only - but just 2 friends in the whole damb outfit. One was old Noah, which - wasent any use to me, and the other we have with us this evening, our - distingished guest, a true friend which under stands us, the only yuman - bein which has ever saw the point of our jokes and the beauty of our - moral charackters. Ime sure we all hopes that his yarns mark the dawn - of a new ery, and men will larn from them that we aint sech bad fellers - as some of us looks—meanin no offense to my friend the pecock; though - I dont go so fur as to say that I approove certain dishes which I see - bein et at this table, particklar by that shark. And now, ladys and - gents, I have the honor to ask you to join me in drinkin a bumper to - our ship mate, our guest, our friend, Little Johnny.”</p> - - <p>Then they all stood up and drinked, and then a old rooster, which was - to the other end of the table, he flopped his wings and crowed out - “Three cheers for Little Johnny!” which was give by all present, each - feller in the languidge that he had been teached at his mothers knee. - This made such a awful noise, that it woked me up, and my sister was a - pullin my ear for time to go to bed.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_197">197</span></p> - - <p>When I was in my bed and she was in hern the door between us was open - and I said “Missy.”</p> - - <p>She said: “Hold your tungue, you bad boy, what was you a going to say?”</p> - - <p>I said: “Missy, are you a goin to be married?” and she said: “No, you - little goose, why not?”</p> - - <p>Then I said: “Missy, I know you are, and marryin is poligamy and means - movin into a other house. When you have done it I want you to do me a - partickler favor.”</p> - - <p>She said no, indeed she wouldnt, what was it?</p> - - <p>Then I spoke up and said “Missy, when you go for to live in your other - house I want you to take your young man and let him live there too, - cause he comes here so much to see Uncle Ned that he is a gum dasted - nusance!”</p> - - <p>And she said she would if she died for it.</p> - - <p>The Bible it says that fellers which are nusances shall arise from the - dead. And thats why I say eat drink and be merry, for to-morrow you - dont. But a pigs tail, nice roasted is the king of beasts.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter mb10"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_199">199</span> - <h2>TWO ADMINISTRATIONS</h2> - </div> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_201">201</span> - <h3 id="A_PROVISIONAL_SETTLEMENT">A PROVISIONAL SETTLEMENT</h3> - </div> - - <div class="center mb2"><i>McKinley, a President. Sagasta, a Prime Minister. Aguinaldo, a - Patriot.</i></div> - - <p><span class="smcap">Sagasta</span>—Señor Presidente, you are very good, and you will - find that Spain is not unreasonable. I have instructed my peace - commissioners to concede quite a number of the demands that yours will - probably make.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McKinley</span>—And the others?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Sag.</span>—Why, of course, Señor, a demand that is not conceded is - refused.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—But if my commissioners have the sorrow to insist?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Sag.</span>—In that case Spain knows how to defend her honor.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—How, for example?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Sag.</span>—If need be, with the naked breasts of her sons!</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—My good friend, you err widely. The thing which there may - be a dispute about is not Spanish honor, but Spanish soil.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Sag.</span>—In every square foot of which, Senõr Porco—I mean - Presidente—Spanish honor is rooted.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_202">202</span></p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—Sir, I shall consult my Secretary of Agriculture as to - the desirability of annexing land which produces a crop like that. But - this is your day to be dull: can you really suppose that in permitting - you to have peace commissioners I expected them to claim the right - of dissent? However these matters may be debated, there is but one - deciding power—the will of the American Executive.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Sag.</span>—Señor, you forget. Supreme over all, there is God!</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—O, I don’t know. He’s not the only——</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Sag.</span>—Holy cats!</p> - - <p class="right">[<i>Enter Aguinaldo.</i>]</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—First of all, Señor Prime Minister, you must renounce the - island of Luzon, and——</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Aguinaldo</span>—Yes, Señor, that being the most important island of - the group, and the one in which you have not now even a foothold, its - renunciation will naturally precede that of the others, as my great and - good ally is pleased to suggest. With regard to Luzon you have only to - say, “We renounce”; I, “We accept.” </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_203">203</span></p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—Please have the goodness to hold your tongue.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ag.</span>—With both hands, your Excellency.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—Second, Señor, you must assure a liberal government to - the other islands.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Sag.</span>—With great pleasure, your Excellency; quite cheerfully.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—Please do not wink. Third, there must be——</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ag.</span>—Excuse me; I was brought up a Spanish subject. What is a - liberal government?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—That is for Spain to decide.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ag.</span>—I don’t see what Spain will have to do with it.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—My friend, you slumber—peaceful be thy dreams. Third, - there must be complete separation of church and state.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Sag.</span>—What! a Diabolocracy? You shock me!</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—Fourth, none of the islands, nor any part of them, is to - be ceded to any foreign nation without the consent of the United States.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ag.</span>—You understand, Señor—you hear that! Spain can never again - acquire a square foot of these islands, not even by reconquest or a - corrupt bargain with a recreant Filipino dictator, for she will again - have to reckon with our powerful protectors,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_204">204</span> whom may the good God - reward!</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—The trouble with you is, you talk too much. Fifth, the - United States must have in the Philippines equal commercial privileges - with Spain.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ag.</span>—Equal? May I never again run amuck if they shall not have - superior! Why, I have it in mind to issue a proclamation closing every - port to the ships of Spain. As to the United States, commercial primacy - is a small reward for their assistance in the closing scene of our - successful rebellion.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Sag.</span>—Of course, as you say, I shall have to accept whatever - terms you have the great kindness to offer. As I understand your - proposal, Spain retains all the islands but Luzon; that is to belong to - the United States, and——</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ag.</span>—What!</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Sag.</span>—This worthy Oriental appears to be laboring under a - misapprehension.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—I know of nothing else that could make an Oriental labor.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ag.</span>—Señores, the language of diplomacy is to me an unfamiliar - tongue: I have imperfectly understood—pardon me. Is it indeed intended - that the United States shall take Luzon and Spain take all else?</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_205">205</span></p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—“Retain” is the word.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ag.</span>—“Retain?” Why, that means to keep, to hold what is already - possessed. What you gentlemen have in possession in this archipelago is - the ground covered by the feet of your soldiers. Now, what right have - you, Señor Presidente, to the island of Luzon? The right of conquest? - You have not conquered it.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—My dear fellow, you distress me. I conquered this - gentleman, and he is going to be good enough to give me the island as a - testimonial of his esteem.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ag.</span>—But he doesn’t own it. I had taken it away from him before - you defeated him—all but the capital, and by arrangement with your man - Dewey——</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Sag.</span>—Caram——!</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ag.</span>—I assisted to take that. Why, he supplied me with arms for - the purpose!</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Sag.</span>—Arms with which I had had the unhappiness to supply - <i>him</i>. - </p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ag.</span>—What is my reward? I am driven from the city which I - assisted to conquer, and you take not only that but the entire island, - which you had no hand in conquering.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_206">206</span></p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Sag.</span> (<i>aside</i>)—Faith! he’ll conquer it before he gets it.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—My friend, you are a Malay, with a slight infusion of - Chinese, Hindu and Kanaka. Naturally, you cannot understand these high - matters.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ag.</span>—I understand this: We Filipinos rebelled against Spain - to liberate our country from oppression. We wrested island after - island, city after city, from her until Manila was virtually all that - she had left. As we were about to deprive her of that and regain the - independence which, through four hundred years of misrule, she had - denied us we experienced a dire mischance. You quarreled with her - because she denied independence to Cuba. Spanish dominion, which we - had stabbed, was already dead, but you arrived just in time to kick - the corpse while it was yet warm, and for this service you propose to - administer upon the estate, keeping the most valuable part for your - honesty. You will then revive the dead, buried and damned and reinstate - him in possession of the remainder!</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span> (<i>aside</i>)—O, will I?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Sag.</span>—Apparently, Señor Presidente, this worthy person is - afflicted with a flow of language. (<i>Aside</i>) The Porco Americano - has the habit of blushing.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_207">207</span></p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span> (<i>to Sagasta</i>)—Yes, the Filipino always has his - tongue in his ear. (<i>To Aguinaldo</i>) Proceed with the address.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ag.</span>—It is as if the French, having assisted your forefathers - to independence, had kept Boston and all New England for themselves and - restored the other colonies to Great Britain. If the Good Samaritan, - arriving while the man fallen among thieves was still struggling with - them, had assisted him to beat them off, had then taken his purse and - delivered him to the thieves again you would have had a Scriptural - precedent.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Sag.</span> (<i>writing in a notebook</i>)—“At a certain temperature - the Porco Americano can sweat.”</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—My great and good friend, you seem to have your climate - with you, as well as your chin. I must beg you to abridge your oration - against manifest destiny.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ag.</span>—Destiny was a long time manifesting herself, but she - has not been idle since. In the last four months you have torn up - the three American political Holy Scriptures: Washington’s Farewell - Address, the Monroe Doctrine and the Declaration of Independence. You - now stand upon the fragments of the last and declare it an error <span class="pagenum" id="Page_208">208</span>that - governments derive their just powers from the consent of the governed. - In Hawaii you are founding a government on the consent of less than - three per centum of the governed. In my country you propose to found - one government and restore another against the unanimous dissent of - eight millions of people whom you cheated into an alliance to that end. - You cajoled them into assisting at the cutting of their own throats. - Your only justification in making this war at all was Spain’s denial in - Havana of the political principle which you now repudiate in Honolulu - and Manila. Señores, we shall resist both the American and the Spanish - occupation. You will be allies—embrace!</p> - - <p class="right">[<i>Exit Sagasta.</i>]</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—My dear boy, you are unduly alarmed: the notion - of letting Spain keep those other islands is merely a Proposal - Retractable—in undiplomatic language, an offer with a string to it.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ag.</span>—And your plan of holding Luzon—after taking it?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—Rest in peace: that is only what we call an Intention - Augmentable.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ag.</span>—Ah, Señor, you make me so happy! </p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_209">209</span> - <h3 id="ASPIRANTS_THREE">ASPIRANTS THREE</h3> - </div> - - <div class="center"><i>The Incumbent.</i> <i>The Born Candidate.</i><br /> - <i>The Ambitious Mariner.</i></div> - - <div class="center-container"> - <div class="drama"> - <div class="speaker">INCUMBENT:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Sir Admiral, ’twas but two years ago</div> - <div class="i0">I turned you loose against a feeble foe,</div> - <div class="i0">Gave you a chance to write your unknown name</div> - <div class="i0">In shouting letters on the scroll of fame,</div> - <div class="i0">Stood by you with a firmness almost sinful,</div> - <div class="i0">Fed you with honors till you had a skinful,</div> - <div class="i0">Plied you with praise till drunk as any lord—</div> - <div class="i0">And this, George Dewey, this is my reward!</div> - <div class="i0">So drunken with success you seem to be</div> - <div class="i0">That you have visions of succeeding—Me!</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">AMBITIOUS MARINER:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Why, blast my tarry toplights! what’s this row?</div> - <div class="i0">And which of you is speaking, anyhow?</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">INCUMBENT (<i>aside</i>):</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">He thinks I am beside myself. Alas,</div> - <div class="i0">He sees, as through the bottom of a glass,</div> - <div class="i0">Darkly. Strange how this pirate of the main</div> - <div class="i0"><span class="pagenum" id="Page_210">210</span>With an eye single to his private gain</div> - <div class="i0">Beholds things double! Would that I, poor worm,</div> - <div class="i0">Could see in duplicate my four years’ term.</div> - <div class="i0">The fellow’s looked too long upon the cup—</div> - <div class="i0">I’ll get behind his back and trip him up,</div> - <div class="i0">Break his damned neck, and then the tale repeat</div> - <div class="i0">Of how, poor man, he fell o’er his own feet.</div> - <div class="i0">That’s politics.</div> - <div class="right">[<i>Enter Born Candidate.</i>]</div> - <div class="i13">Good Heavens, I am caught!</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">BORN CANDIDATE:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Hello, McPresident!</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">INCUMBENT:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i17">Did you see aught</div> - <div class="i0">Suspicious in my actions?</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">BORN CANDIDATE:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i20">Well, I guess</div> - <div class="i0">There might have been an aspirant the less</div> - <div class="i0">If I had longer stayed where I was “at.”</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">INCUMBENT:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">And may I venture to ask where was that?</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker"><span class="pagenum" id="Page_211">211</span>BORN CANDIDATE:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Along the roadside, hidden in the rye</div> - <div class="i0">To see the famous Admiral go by.</div> - <div class="i0">A look had done me good if I had got one</div> - <div class="i0">It happened, by the by, I had a shotgun.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">AMBITIOUS MARINER (<i>to Born Candidate</i>):</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Shiver my timbers! you’re a dandy crimp—</div> - <div class="i0">That figure-head of yours would scare a shrimp.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">INCUMBENT (<i>to Born Candidate</i>):</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Let’s try less candid measures to remove him:</div> - <div class="i0">Moral dissuasion would perhaps improve him.</div> - <div class="i0">We can (when he’s not full of “old October”)</div> - <div class="i0">Appeal from Dewey drunk to Dewey sober.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">BORN CANDIDATE (<i>to Incumbent</i>):</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Said like a lawyer (’tis a grand profession!)</div> - <div class="i0">But that appellate court is ne’er in session.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">AMBITIOUS MARINER (<i>aside</i>):</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">They think me half seas over. That’s all right—</div> - <div class="i0">I’m full, but what I’m full of is just fight.</div> - <div class="right"><span class="pagenum" id="Page_212">212</span>(<i>Aloud, scowling</i>):</div> - <div class="i0">Some sailor men—rough fellows from the fleet—</div> - <div class="i0">Followed me here. They’re waiting in the street.</div> - <div class="i0">They’re loyal, but in temper they’re unsteady</div> - <div class="i0">And</div> - <div class="right">[<i>goes to the window and speaks out</i>]</div> - <div class="i5">Gridley, you may fire when you are ready.</div> - <div class="right">[<i>Cannon within. Exeunt, hurriedly, Incumbent and Born Candidate.</i>]</div> - <div class="i0">That’s all—I never had the least intention</div> - <div class="i0">Of facing a political convention.</div> - </div> - </div> - </div> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_213">213</span> - <h3 id="AT_SANTIAGO">AT SANTIAGO</h3> - </div> - - <div class="center mb2"><i>Toral. Shafter.</i></div> - - <p><span class="smcap">Toral</span>—Ah, Señor, it was an anxious night—that of July 2. The - angel of sleep did not visit me, and my pillow—I shame not to say - it—was wet with tears.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Shafter</span>—Me too. I never swore so much in my life. I tried - every way to sleep, but couldn’t make it go.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Tor.</span>—How sad! Señor, we are no longer enemies, and we are - alone. May I hope that Heaven will put it into your heart to tell me - why <i>you</i> slept not that unhappy night?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Sh.</span>—That’s an easy one: I had made up my mind to demand your - surrender.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Tor.</span>—Ah, what a tender heart; what sensibility! It pained you, - the thought of humiliating me.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Sh.</span>—Not a bit of it; what worried me was the fear that you - would refuse.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Tor.</span>—And then there would be such—what you call effusion of - blood. You are all compassion.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_214">214</span></p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Sh.</span>—Effusion of nothing. If you did not surrender to me I was - going to surrender to you. My army was rotten with fever. Now what kept - <i>you</i> awake, old man?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Tor.</span>—The fear that you would surrender first. God o’ my - soul!—we could not eat you! </p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_215">215</span> - <h3 id="A_CABINET_CONFERENCE">A CABINET CONFERENCE</h3> - </div> - - <div class="center mb2"><i>Hay, Secretary of State. Root, Secretary of War. Long, Secretary of the Navy.</i></div> - - <p><span class="smcap">Hay</span>—Ah, glad to see you, gentlemen; punctuality is the - politeness of princes. I feared we should have to postpone this - Conference.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Long</span>—Perhaps it would have been better. The newspapers have - learned about it. As I entered there were seven hundred and fifty - correspondents outside the door!</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Root</span>—The Navy Department is ever liberal in its estimates.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Long</span>—I’ll swear there are not fewer than a dozen; you saw them - yourself.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Root</span>—Not I. I entered by way of the chimney.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Hay</span>—It is useless to try to conceal our movements; they learn - everything.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Long</span>—It is to be hoped they will not learn the purpose of this - Conference.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Hay</span>—That will depend on your discretion; mine is - unquestionable.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_216">216</span></p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Root</span>—Is the door locked?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Hay</span>—Sure, and the keyhole stuffed. We are absolutely - inaccessible to the curiosity of the vulgar.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Long</span>—Blast their tarry——</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Hay</span>—Mr. Secretary, I beg that you will not swear. Remember - that the President is a pillar of the church.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Root</span>—What church?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Hay</span> (<i>scratching the head of the State Department</i>)—I’m - damned if I know. I belong myself to the Church of England.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Long</span>—Let us proceed to business; the crisis waits.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Hay</span>—Gentlemen (<i>opening secret drawer in table</i>), I have - the honor to put before you a—[<i>tumult within and beating of sticks - on the door</i>.] What’s that?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Root</span>—The Filipinos!—the Filipinos! Where is Corbin?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Long</span>—Sounds like the Democratic party.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Hay</span>—Ah, I forgot; it is the correspondents. I have the honor - to put before you, with appropriate glasses, a bottle of pure Kentucky - Bourbon fifty-five years old—a gift from Governor Taylor to the - President. As the President drinks nothing——</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Long</span>—What! </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_217">217</span></p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Root</span>—What!</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Hay</span>—He drinks nothing from this bottle. I intercepted it.</p> - - <p>[<i>They drink and repeat. The Conference adjourns. Exeunt omnes. Enter - the Public Press.</i>]</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">The Public Press</span>—There was a consultation at the State - Department this afternoon among Secretaries Hay, Root and Long, the - latter two of whom had been sent for in great haste. Extraordinary - precautions to secure secrecy were taken, but it is understood that - German aggression in Brazil was discussed, and nothing is more - certain than that the next few days will witness grave and startling - movements of our war ships in both the North and the South Atlantic. - Senator Lodge’s recent alarming speech on the Navy Appropriation Bill - is recalled, in connection with this subject, as is also Senator - Pettigrew’s significant silence. Nor is it forgotten that last week - there was a persistent rumor that the Government was about to consider - the advisability of taking a step of which the importance could be - determined only by its character and result.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_218">218</span> - <h3 id="AN_INDEMNITY">AN INDEMNITY</h3> - </div> - - <p class="mb2"><i>McKinley, the President. Hay, Secretary of State. The Czar of - Russia. The Sultan of Turkey. Ali Feroush Bey, the Turkish Minister.</i></p> - - <h4>ACT I</h4> - - <p><span class="smcap">McKinley</span>—John, have the goodness to say to the Turkish - Minister that unless his Government pays up we shall send a fleet to - the Dardanelles.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Hay</span>—Yes, but would it not be better to say <i>through</i> the - Dardanelles?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—I don’t know about that. One does not like to promise - more than one may be able to perform. Admiral Dewey tells me there is a - doubt about getting through; the strait is fortified at every turn.</p> - - <p>H.—Why, Admiral Dewey said, <i>àpropos</i> of the Nicaragua - canal, that fortifications were worthless—that they only invited attack!</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—That was when he was standing by the Administration. He - is now an aspirant to the Presidency, and dares to say what he thinks.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_219">219</span></p> - - <p>H. (<i>aside</i>)—Great Scott! I’d give ten years of life—nay, - more: six weeks of office—for the same courage.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—John, what are you muttering in your beard?</p> - - <p>H.—A prayer for your health.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span> (<i>aside</i>)—Ah, yes, I suffer from Hay fever.</p> - - <p>[<i>Observing him about to sneeze, Hay gives himself the happiness of - taking snuff.</i>]</p> - - <h4>ACT II</h4> - - <p><span class="smcap">Hay</span>—I greet your Excellency with rapture.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ali Feroush Bey</span>—May your wives be as the leaves of the forest.</p> - - <p>H.—May it please your Excellency, the President says that if - your august master finds it inconvenient to pay that little account he - need not hurry.</p> - - <p>A. F. B.—Allah forbid that the Light of the Universe should - hurry about anything!</p> - - <p>H.—The matter will keep, and an ultimatum delivered about the - first week in November would—— </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_220">220</span></p> - - <p>A. F. B.—May jackasses sing on your grandmother’s grave! Do you think - you can use the Brother of the Prophet to further your cursed election - schemes? I shall advise that the bill be paid at once.</p> - - <p>H.—Exalted sir, I fear you are pleased to talk through your turban. - But I pray that you will permit me to withdraw. I must acquaint the - President with your answer.</p> - - <p class="right">[<i>Exit Hay.</i>]</p> - - <p>A. F. B.—The devil go with him! If I had him in Stamboul he’d be - walking on wood!</p> - - <h4 id="ACT_III">ACT III</h4> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—John, did you deliver my ultimatum to the Turkish - Minister?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Hay</span>—Aye, that I did! And not only did I say we should send a - fleet into the Dardanelles, but I ventured to add that Colonel Bryan - would go into commission at once.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—And did he say that he would advise his august - what-does-he-call-him to pay down on the nail?</p> - - <p>H.—I am pained to say that he did not. He said that he would see you in - Helfurst.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—Where is that?—it sounds Dutch.</p> - - <p>H.—Yes; it is a town in Pennsylvania.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_221">221</span></p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—Well, I’ll meet him there and talk it over if you think - the character of our ultimatum permits.</p> - - <p>H.—Certainly; it is the Ultimatum Tentative.</p> - - <h4 id="ACT_IV">ACT IV</h4> - - <p><span class="smcap">The Sultan</span> (<i>by telegraph</i>)—Your Majesty, would you be so - good as to lend a poor fellow the price of a few American missionaries?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">The Czar</span>—God forbid! You must be more economical. Do you think - I’m made of money?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Sultan</span>—But really——</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Czar</span>—Yes, yes, I know. Your creditors are pressing you, and - all that. And you’ll promptly repay the loan—in a Golden Horn. I’ve - heard it before.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Sultan</span>—By the toe-nails of the Prophet! if I get not the - money, that dog of darkness, the American President, will be after me - with a sharp stick; and he’ll do, and he’ll do, and he’ll do! He has - already delivered his ultimatum.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Czar</span>—What! Is it so serious as that? My poor friend, I am - sorry for you. You are in for it, sure! In American diplomacy the - ultimatum is a prophecy of doom; you will be talked to death!</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_222">222</span></p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Sultan</span>—Then lend me the money.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Czar</span>—It is decreed otherwise. Kismet.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Sultan</span>—But what am I to do? Talked to death!—that is - disagreeable.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Czar</span>—Build a mosque in which to pray that Heaven may put it - into his heart to send a fleet to Constantinople and commute your - punishment to bombardment.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Sultan</span>—May jackals whelp in his harem!—that is what he says he - will do.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Czar</span>—Build two mosques.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_223">223</span> - <h3 id="FOR_INTERVENTION">FOR INTERVENTION</h3> - </div> - - <div class="center"><i>President McKinley.</i> <i>Envoy Fischer.</i><br /> - <i>Secretary Gage.</i> <i>Voices.</i> - </div> - - <p><span class="smcap">President McKinley</span>—Well, Meinherr, what can we do for each - other?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Envoy Fischer</span>—Haf your Egcellenzy not vas inform of vhat I - vants?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">P. McK.</span>—My Secretary of State says you bear a petition for - promoting missionary work in Africa, but he is a great diplomat and not - always to be believed.</p> - - <p>E. F.—Your Egcellenzy, I coom to ask for Amerigan onterventionings - between der Soud Ofrigan Ropoobligs und der dom Preetish.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">P. McK.</span>—Jeewhillikins!</p> - - <p>E. F.—Vas?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">P. McK.</span>—Did my Secretary of State know that? And he let you in?</p> - - <p>E. F.—Yaw, your Egcellenzy.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">P. McK.</span>—Well, I’ll be gam doodled!—pardon; I mean I’ll be - delighted. We call it gam doodled.</p> - - <p>E. F.—Yaw, I shbeak der Amerigan longvidge very goot meinself all der - vhile somdimes yet.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_224">224</span></p> - - <p><span class="smcap">P. McK.</span>—Beautifully.</p> - - <p>E. F.—Der Soud Ofrigan Ropoobligs dey sooffer demselfs mooch. As your - Segretary of Shtate he say, Gread Bridain she don’d do a teeng to us. - Sheneral Yowbert——</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">P. McK.</span>—Zhoobair.</p> - - <p>E. F.—Yowbert he is die of belly ache again, und Sheneral Cronje gif - oop som more, und Sheneral Botha he droonk like a fittler’s——</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">P. McK.</span>—And larrups the soldiers with a slambangbok.</p> - - <p>E. F.—Yaw, yaw, und Bresident Kruger he vas vun olt ladies, und der - Preetish is aferyvheres, und Vebster Dafis don’d vas wort his monies, und——</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">P. McK.</span>—“Oond,” in short, you fellows are licked out of your - boots.</p> - - <p>E. F.—Vas?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">P. McK.</span>—I was saying that, in the sympathetic judgment of this - country, your admirable people are experiencing an unforeseen adversity.</p> - - <p>E. F.—Lort Roperts haf onvaded our sagred soil und he vil nod led go.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">P. McK.</span>—My great and good friend, pardon me, but didn’t your - people begin that?</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_225">225</span></p> - - <p>E. F.—We haf tvice unpology made, but Lort Soolsbury he vill not occept.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">P. McK.</span>—How strange!</p> - - <p>E. F.—Ve oppeals on der great und goot Yongee heart, vich lofes us. It - vas vun grand receptions vich der Amerigan beobles vas gif us under Ny - Yark som day!</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">P. McK.</span>—Yes, it was. I have here a list of names of the - Reception Committee, which [<i>enter Secretary Gage</i>] I will read to - you. [<i>Reads</i>].</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Secretary Gage</span>—Mr. President, may I ask if that list of names - was copied from the books of the Commissioner of Immigration at Ellis - Island?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">P. McK.</span>—O, no: they are names of exponents of American public - sentiment. They “received” this honest gentleman.</p> - - <p>S. G. (<i>eyeing honest gentleman</i>)—Well, I fancy it would be more - blessed to give him than receive.</p> - - <p>E. F.—But, your Egcellenza, shall ve haf der onterventionings - alreaty yet? I burn mit ombatience!</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">P. McK.</span> (<i>to servant</i>)—The gentleman burns. Put him out.</p> - - <p class="right">[<i>Exit Envoy Fischer, pursued.</i>]</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_226">226</span></p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Voices</span> (<i>within</i>)—Hurrah! Hurrah for the Boer Republic!</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">P. McK.</span>—There must be an unusual number of Congressmen in the - waiting room.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_227">227</span> - <h3 id="THE_ORDEAL">THE ORDEAL</h3> - </div> - - <div class="center"><i>An Historian.</i> <i>Clio.</i></div> - - <p><span class="smcap">Historian</span> (<i>writing</i>)—“The Yanko-Spanko war was brief, - but very destructive. In the two or three months that it lasted the - Americans had more than three thousand soldiers and a half-dozen - sailors killed by the Spaniards and—”</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Clio</span>—Tut-tut! no romancing; less than three hundred were - killed.</p> - - <p>H. (<i>writing</i>)—“Their own officers. Armed with repeating - incompetences, the latter were indeed formidable.”</p> - - <p>Did you speak?</p> - - <p>C.—No.</p> - - <p>H. (<i>writing</i>)—“An effort was made to hold the commanding officers - of the expeditionary forces responsible for the mortality among their - troops, but ended in failure, for it could not be determined who was in - command.”</p> - - <p>Clio, dear, who was in command at Santiago?</p> - - <p>C.—First Linares, then Toral.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_228">228</span></p> - - <p>H.—I mean, who commanded the Americans.</p> - - <p>C.—I don’t know.</p> - - <p>H.—What are you the Muse of History for if you don’t know such a thing - as that?</p> - - <p>C.—Ask me who really built the Great Pyramid, and why. Ask me who - wrote the “Junius” letters. Ask me who was the Man in the Iron Mask. - Ask me what Browning meant. Ask me anything in reason, but don’t ask - me who commanded the American army in the Yanko-Spanko war. Settle it - by turning a coin. You’ll be as likely to be right as wrong, and in - History that will give good results. The historian who in the long run - tells the truth half the time is a great historian.</p> - - <p>H. (<i>turning coin</i>)—Head, Miles; tail, Shafter.</p> - - <p>C.—Well?</p> - - <p>H.—It is a smooth coin! (<i>Writes</i>) “The army before Santiago had - no commander.” </p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_229">229</span> - <h3 id="FROSTING_A_BUD">FROSTING A BUD</h3> - </div> - - <div class="center"><i>McKinley, President.</i> <i>Hay, Secretary of State.</i> <i>Mark - Hanna, Senator and Dictator Politicus.</i></div> - - <p><span class="smcap">McKinley</span>—John, I am greatly troubled.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Hay</span>—Permit me to send for the head of the Bureau of - Exculpation and Avoidance.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—Not to-day; it is another kind of matter.</p> - - <p>H.—Ah, then; the Lord High Disheartener of the Importunate——</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—No, no, John, it is about you.</p> - - <p>H.—About me? Surely, you do not mean—you cannot think that another - change in the Cabinet——</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—May you be Secretary of State for a thousand years.</p> - - <p>H.—Then speak it out. I have a heart for any fate except one.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—Well, it is this: I have not seen nor heard of anybody - who seems to want you for Vice-President. Actually, your name has not - been mentioned except by myself.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_230">230</span></p> - - <p>H.—And to whom were you pleased to mention it, if I may ask?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—To Senator Hanna.</p> - - <p>H.—And am I worthy to know what he said?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—It will pain you, John. Mr. Hanna is a strong, coarse man - who says what he thinks and never stops to think what he says.</p> - - <p>H.—What did he say?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—That you would make a good running mate for a lame - tortoise.</p> - - <p>H.—Indeed!</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—He added that you had been drowned by the British - Ambassador in the Nicaragua Canal.</p> - - <p>H.—Anything more?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—He said that you parted your beard on the Greenwich - meridian.</p> - - <p>H.—Yes.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—He said that if asininity had not been invented you would - invent it.</p> - - <p class="right">[<i>Enter Mark Hanna. Exit, McKinley.</i>]</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Mark Hanna</span>—Good-morning, Mr. Secretary.</p> - - <p>H.—What is your business with me, sir?</p> - - <p>M. H.—Why, John, I came to ask you if you would accept the nomination - for Vice-President.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_231">231</span></p> - - <p>H.—After what you said to the President on that subject, sir——</p> - - <p>M. H.—It has never been mentioned between us.</p> - - <p>H.—Ho-o-o-wat!</p> - - <p class="right">[<i>Falls in a fit of shivers.</i>]</p> - - <p>M. H.—The gentleman appears to be indisposed. Guess he was struck by a - draft from the Open Door.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_232">232</span> - <h3 id="A_BAFFLED_AMBITION">A BAFFLED AMBITION</h3> - </div> - - <div class="center"><i>McKinley, President.</i> <i>Roosevelt, Vice-President.</i> <i>Hay, - Secretary of State.</i> <i>Doorkeeper.</i></div> - - <p><span class="smcap">Roosevelt</span>—Mr. President, I have come to consult with you - about——</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McKinley</span>—Why, yes, of course. I expect always to consult with - the leading men of the party—you and the others.</p> - - <p>R.—Others?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—In the great scheme of the universe Heaven has provided - others.</p> - - <p>R.—There are also snakes and flies, but we do not accord them a voice - in the ordering of large affairs.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—There is my Cabinet.</p> - - <p>R.—Nice chaps—they will, no doubt, be glad to carry out any policy that - we may decide upon.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—Then I understand that in the guidance and direction - of this administration you have the goodness to care to be the Whole - Thing? </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_233">233</span></p> - - <p>R.—You do me the greatest injustice (<i>lifting his eyes to the sky and - reverently pointing in the same direction</i>). There is a greater than I.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—Have you any other news?</p> - - <p>R.—I have read your message from start to finish.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—Indeed! And what do you think of it?</p> - - <p>R.—The worst I ever! It does not at all express my views on the——</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—The views expressed are supposed to be those of the - President.</p> - - <p>R.—The devil!</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—I beg pardon. The President.</p> - - <p>R.—But where do I come in?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—Into what? The White House? Where the cat does, I think. - The other entrances are guarded.</p> - - <p>R.—Look here, pardner, I mean to be a part of this administration.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—With that hat?</p> - - <p>R.—What’s the matter with the hat?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—The head. [<i>Rings bell, enter Hay.</i>] Mr. Secretary, - this gentleman has the goodness to wish to resign and become a part of - the administration. Is there a vacancy in the Cabinet? </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_234">234</span></p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Hay</span>—You can easily make one, sir, by appointing him.</p> - - <p class="right">[<i>Exit Roosevelt, swearing.</i>]</p> - - <p>The Russian Ambassador has called to talk of a concerted movement on - Peking, to rescue the besieged legations.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—Never mind that now—let us have peace.</p> - - <p class="right">[<i>Enter Doorkeeper, pale and agitated.</i>]</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Doorkeeper</span>—O, if you please, sir, the gentleman with the teeth!</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—Well?</p> - - <p>D.—He—he showed ’em!</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—Well?</p> - - <p>D.—He—he drawed a bowie knife! If you please, sir, I—I’d like another - place.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">McK.</span>—You are right, my good man. You shall be Minister to - China.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_235">235</span> - <h3 id="THE_GENESIS_OF_A_NATION">THE GENESIS OF A NATION</h3> - </div> - - <div class="center"><i>Hay, Secretary of State.</i> <i>Morgan, a Southern Senator.</i> - <i>Telephone.</i></div> - - <p><span class="smcap">Morgan</span>—Mr. Secretary, I have startling and important news: the - State of Panama has seceded from Colombia!</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Hay</span>—You don’t say so!—this is so sudden!</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Mor.</span>—Yes, sir, it is true.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Hay</span>—Well, well! Who would have thought it?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Mor.</span>—I trust, sir, this removes the last scruple that the - Administration may have had against immediate construction of the - Nicaraguan Canal. The war down there will——</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Hay</span>—War? Is there also a war?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Mor.</span>—Sir, you astonish me! Am I to suppose that you do not - know that secession entails war? I learned that more than forty years ago.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Hay</span>—Dear me! Then we shall have to protect American interests. - How do you think it would do to send word to our Consul at Colon to be - duly vigilant in the matter? Or perhaps it would be better to have our - Minister at Bogota notify Colombia<span class="pagenum" id="Page_236">236</span> that there must be no bloodshed.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Mor.</span>—I think, if you want to know, that that would be taking - the side of Panama.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Hay</span>—We cannot, of course, do that: it would look like a - violation of neutrality. Really, the situation is embarrassing. I wish - those hot-headed southern Republics would be good.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Mor.</span>—Well, sir, if you have nothing to propose, I shall speak - of the matter in the Senate.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Hay</span>—Oh, thank you so much. I promise you that we will await - the conclusion of your remarks before taking any action in the - Nicaraguan matter.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Mor.</span> (<i>aside</i>)—Hoist with my own petard!</p> - - <p class="right">[<i>Exit Morgan; Hay goes to telephone.</i>]</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Hay</span>—Hello! Give me the Secretary of the Navy.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Telephone</span>—Br-r-r-r-r-rrr.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Hay</span>—That you, Moody? Have you sent those fifteen warships to - the Isthmus?—and the two thousand marines? And have they orders that if - any Colombian soldier set foot on the sacred soil of Panama they are to - shoot him on the spot?</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_237">237</span></p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Tel.</span>—Br-r-r-r-rzz—spot him on the snoot.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Hay</span>—All right. I’ll draft a canal treaty with the Panaman - Junta at once. The President has his ear to the ground and says that - there is a pretty strong sentiment down there in favor of admittance - into this Union. Truly this is a wonderful century.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Tel.</span>—People are saying that we fomented this Panama rebellion.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Hay</span>—Oh, Moody; how unjust! </p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_238">238</span> - <h3 id="A_WHITE_HOUSE_IDYL">A WHITE HOUSE IDYL</h3> - </div> - - <div class="center"><i>President Roosevelt.</i> <i>Shonts, Engineer of the Panama - Canal.</i> <i>Loeb, Private Secretary to the President.</i> <i>The - Adversary of Souls.</i> <i>The Press.</i></div> - - <h4>ACT I</h4> - - <div class="center-container"> - <div class="drama"> - <div class="speaker">PRESIDENT (<i>solus</i>):</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">There!—’tis to be a lock canal. Now let</div> - <div class="i0">The dirt fly.</div> - <div class="right">[<i>Enter Shonts.</i>]</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">SHONTS:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i11">Very well, sir, don’t you fret;</div> - <div class="i0">It will, right speedily, I’m sure. But I—</div> - <div class="i0">I’m getting out of this concern. I fly!</div> - <div class="right">[<i>Exit Shonts.</i>]</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">PRESIDENT:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Now let the heathen rage: their pet sea-level</div> - <div class="i0">Canal has gone a-glimmering to the devil.</div> - <div class="right">[<i>Enter Loeb with a card.</i>]</div> - <div class="i0">What’s this? “The Adversary.” Just my luck—</div> - <div class="i0">Without a rake I get all kinds of muck.</div> - <div class="i0"><span class="pagenum" id="Page_239">239</span>Always that Democrat appears if I</div> - <div class="i0">But mention him—I really wonder why.</div> - <div class="i0">Of one too many he’s the one. Go say</div> - <div class="right">(<i>sighing</i>)</div> - <div class="i0">That I’ll not see him—I’ve seen Shonts to-day.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">LOEB:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">The gentleman is in the waiting room.</div> - <div class="i0">I think he wants to talk about your “boom.”</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">PRESIDENT:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Wants an appointment in my Cabinet,</div> - <div class="i0">And there’s no vacancy.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">LOEB:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="right">O you forget—</div> - <div class="i0">There’s Hitchcock.</div> - <div class="right">[<i>Enter Adversary.</i>]</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">PRESIDENT:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i4">Ah, good morning, sir. Delighted!</div> - <div class="right clear">(<i>aside</i>)</div> - <div class="i0">The fellow never waits till he’s invited.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">ADVERSARY:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Sir, we have overlooked the unwritten law</div> - <div class="i0">Forbidding a third term. You must withdraw.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker"><span class="pagenum" id="Page_240">240</span>PRESIDENT (<i>aside</i>):</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Come to torment me! How this horrid shape,</div> - <div class="i0">Grinning behind his hand like any ape,</div> - <div class="i0">Maddens to candor. (<i>Aloud</i>) Brute! you might delay</div> - <div class="i0">Your triumph until I have had my day</div> - <div class="i0">And nations weep, in slow procession walking——</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">ADVERSARY:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">For him who dug the great canal by talking!</div> - <div class="i0">’Twere long to wait unless your tongue were made</div> - <div class="i0">By miracle divine into a spade.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">PRESIDENT:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Take that, you beast!</div> - <div class="right">[<i>Beats him and chases him off the stage, losing his temper in the scuffle.</i>]</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">LOEB (<i>solus</i>):</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10">The rogues fall out—<i>sic semper</i>.</div> - <div class="i0">As honest man, I will annex his temper.</div> - <div class="right">[<i>Puts President’s temper under his coat and exit.</i>]</div> - </div> - </div> - </div> - - <h4 id="ACT_II">ACT II</h4> - - <div class="center-container"> - <div class="drama"> - <div class="speaker">THE PRESS (<i>solum</i>):</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">The President “received” last night—all smiles,</div> - <div class="i0">Charming the throng with amiable wiles.</div> - <div class="i0">But Loeb, with flaming eyes and flying feet,</div> - <div class="i0">Sprang in and kicked them all into the street!</div> - </div> - </div> - </div> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_242">242</span> - <h3 id="TWO_FAVORITES">TWO FAVORITES</h3> - </div> - - <div class="center"><i>Wood, a Medicated Warrior.</i> <i>Miles, a Soldier.</i> <i>Satan, a - Statesman.</i> <i>Chorus of Citizens.</i></div> - - <div class="center-container"> - <div class="drama"> - <div class="speaker">MILES (<i>to Wood</i>):</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Sir, I have ventured to observe with what</div> - <div class="i0">I hope is a becoming modesty, that not</div> - <div class="i0">In vain have been your sacrifices, nor</div> - <div class="i0">Quite thrown away your aptitude for war.</div> - <div class="i0">Service and genius—these are things that count,</div> - <div class="i0">With (if you’re cavalry) the skill to mount.</div> - <div class="i0">Somewhat, too, doubtless, it promotes your gains</div> - <div class="i0">In rank and honors to possess the brains</div> - <div class="i0">To know enough to go in when it rains.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">WOOD:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Some know enough to note the fine effect</div> - <div class="i0">Of sunshine on their uniform.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">MILES:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="right">Correct:</div> - <div class="i0">I’ve keener joy to see the daybeam smite</div> - <div class="i0"><span class="pagenum" id="Page_243">243</span>My gay attire than you to see it light</div> - <div class="i0">Your military record. Let’s get through—</div> - <div class="i0">I’d rather bandy swords than words with you.</div> - <div class="i0">But you’re a man of peace—a doctor, sir;</div> - <div class="i0">To save life, not to take it, you prefer;</div> - <div class="i0">And in the Spanish War your taste was shown</div> - <div class="i0">In saving with consummate skill your own.</div> - <div class="i0">By that you earned, according to my notion,</div> - <div class="i0">More leather medals, not so much promotion.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">CHORUS OF CITIZENS:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">By that he earned, according to our notion,</div> - <div class="i0">More leather medals, not so much promotion.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">MILES:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">When you’re a general in chief command,</div> - <div class="i0">May peace dwell ever in this happy land!</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">CHORUS OF CITIZENS:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">When he’s a general in chief command,</div> - <div class="i0">May peace dwell ever in this happy land!</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">WOOD:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">From Santiago’s veins I drained the fever.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">MILES:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">When shown by Lawton how to make it leave her.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker"><span class="pagenum" id="Page_244">244</span>WOOD:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">I washed Havana.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">MILES:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="right">Yes, you made the mud flow</div> - <div class="i0">Right lively when you had been taught by Ludlow.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">WOOD:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">My service——</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">MILES:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="right">’Twas of silver, was it not?—</div> - <div class="i0">Given you by gamblers for the Lord knows what!</div> - <div class="i0">Well, take your honors—they’re well earned, I think,</div> - <div class="i0">By working for yourself with printer’s ink</div> - <div class="i0">And feats of fawning—all the arts, in fine,</div> - <div class="i0">Whereby our peace-time heroes rise and shine.</div> - <div class="i0">Rather than witness more of your intrigues</div> - <div class="i0">I’ll mount a bronco and ride thirty leagues!</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">WOOD:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Well, two Administrations, you’ll agree,</div> - <div class="i0">I have been served and honored by.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">SATAN:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="right">Dear me,</div> - <div class="i0">I’ve had the favor and support of three.</div> - </div> - </div> - </div> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_245">245</span> - <h3 id="A_DIPLOMATIC_TRIUMPH">A DIPLOMATIC TRIUMPH</h3> - </div> - - <div class="center"><i>President Roosevelt.</i> <i>Secretary of State Hay.</i></div> - - <p><span class="smcap">The President</span>—Say, John, I wish you would see the Chinese - Minister and tell him that Russia is complaining that China does not - observe a strict neutrality. Tell him that she is imperiling her - administrative entity.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Secretary Hay</span>—I have already done so, sir; and I ventured to - add that an oyster schooner that had just arrived from below had a very - large mast.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">The P.</span>—What the dickens had that to do with it?</p> - - <p>S. H.—Ah, you are not skilled in the language of diplomacy; it was an - oblique reference to the “big stick.” The Chink understood; he was born - on one of the days before yesterday.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">The P.</span>—And what did he say?</p> - - <p>S. H.—Everything: put his hands into his long sleeves, crossed them on - his breast and bowed three times, profoundly silent. Then he retired.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_246">246</span></p> - - <p><span class="smcap">The P.</span>—I am from Wyoming and you’ll have to explain.</p> - - <p>S. H.—It’s all right. I at once summoned the other Ambassadors (except - the Russian and the Japanese) and told them that you had made the most - forcible representations to the Chinese Empress regarding her Majesty’s - breaches——</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">The P.</span>—Her what? You said <i>that</i>?</p> - - <p>S. H.—Of neutrality. They were greatly impressed.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">The P.</span>—What did they say?</p> - - <p>S. H.—What could they say? They bowed and went out, one by one, leaving - the door open. The Open Door is what we stand for. It is all over.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">The P.</span>—Except the shouting.</p> - - <p>S. H.—Secretary Loeb will see to that. He has prepared a statement of - the incident for the press.</p> - - <p class="right">[<i>Tumult within—cheers and fishhorns.</i>]</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">The P.</span>—What’s that?</p> - - <p>S. H.—The shouting.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_247">247</span> - <h3 id="A_SUCKED_ORANGE">A SUCKED ORANGE</h3> - </div> - - <div class="center"><i>The President.</i> <i>Root, Secretary of State.</i></div> - - <div class="center-container"> - <div class="drama2"> - <div class="speaker">ROOT:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">O world-power President, strenuous, mighty-mouthed, audible, able,</div> - <div class="i0">Director of destiny, <i>arbiter morum</i>, compeller of princes,</div> - <div class="i0">Why this dejected demeanor, this sighing that signifies something</div> - <div class="i0">Gone wrong with the organ wherewith you were happy aforetime? O, keep me</div> - <div class="i0">No longer a-guessing: divulge to your faithful Elihu the hidden</div> - <div class="i0">Vermicular monster that gnaws at the core of the executive bosom—</div> - <div class="i0">Nay, feeds on the damask of that which mainly attests your distinction.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">PRESIDENT:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Alas, ’tis no worm that is secretly plying the hardy incision;</div> - <div class="i0">From troubles intestinal I and my country have present exemption—</div> - <div class="i0">Albeit the Democrats, turbulent ever and always disloyal,</div> - <div class="i0"><span class="pagenum" id="Page_248">248</span>Continue to shout of political contributions, demanding</div> - <div class="i0">A needless accounting, and some hint at restitution. My sorrow</div> - <div class="i0">Has better foundation. King Edward of England has joined the Mikado</div> - <div class="i0">In making a shameless alliance to tighten their grip upon Asia!</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">ROOT:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Why, surely, my master, we have the advantage: this compact secures us</div> - <div class="i0">Continuous peace in the Orient, gives us the door that is open.</div> - <div class="i0">Prevents the partition of China—in brief it establishes firmly</div> - <div class="i0">All that my great predecessor</div> - <div class="right">(<i>aside</i>)</div> - <div class="i25">(whom the Angel of Death, in his wisdom,</div> - <div class="i0">Removed from my path to the White House)</div> - <div class="right">(<i>aloud</i>)</div> - <div class="i4">so gallantly strove to accomplish.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">PRESIDENT:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">What’s that got to do with it, idiot? A broad-minded statesman (behold him!)</div> - <div class="i0"><span class="pagenum" id="Page_249">249</span>O’erlooks, like a man on a stepladder, trivial and transient advantage,</div> - <div class="i0">Discerning the meaning and menace of methods that mark the achievement.</div> - <div class="i0">Not once in all the proceedings that led to this hardy alliance</div> - <div class="i0">Was uttered, or written, or thought of, the name of Theodore Roosevelt!</div> - <div class="right">[<i>Exit.</i>]</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">ROOT (<i>solus</i>):</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">O, dammit! why should they consult him?— there wasn’t a roasting chestnut</div> - <div class="i0">To pull from the fire—and his fingers still smart from the Peace of Portsmouth.</div> - </div> - </div> - </div> - - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_250">250</span> - <h3 id="A_TWISTED_TALE">A TWISTED TALE</h3> - </div> - - <div class="center"><i>Roosevelt, President.</i> <i>Hay, Secretary of State.</i> - <i>Cassini, Russian Ambassador.</i></div> - - <div class="center-container"> - <div class="drama2"> - <div class="speaker">HAY:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Good morning, Count. Sir, are you well to-day?</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">CASSINI:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Quite well, I thank your Excellency. Pray</div> - <div class="i0">Inform me if your physical condition</div> - <div class="i0">Is satisfactory to your physician.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">HAY:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">O no, indeed: I’m sounder than an apple.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">CASSINI (<i>aside</i>):</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">The fellow’s wormy.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">HAY:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i15">Now, then, let us grapple</div> - <div class="i0">With “Bessarabian outrages” and such.</div> - <div class="i0">Some recent—ah—um—er—have pained us much.</div> - <div class="i0">Christians and Jews alike are up in arms</div> - <div class="i0"><span class="pagenum" id="Page_251">251</span>Here in America, and this alarms</div> - <div class="i0">The President. He tells me I’m expected</div> - <div class="i0">To take a firm stand till the thing’s corrected.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">CASSINI:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">So good of him! That means there’s trouble brewing:</div> - <div class="i0">If we stay wicked there’ll be “something doing.”</div> - <div class="i0">If, for example, we ignore your cross talk</div> - <div class="i0">You’ll send a monitor to Vladivostok.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">HAY:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">O no, my friend, it might mean more than play</div> - <div class="i0">If public sentiment could have its way.</div> - <div class="i0">Our people are so wroth it might mean war</div> - <div class="i0">Did naught prevent—but that’s what <i>I</i> am for.</div> - <div class="i0">As ’tis, it means that an election’s coming,</div> - <div class="i0">And to succeed we’ve got to keep things humming.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">CASSINI:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">In other words, it means just nothing.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">HAY:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="right">Yes,</div> - <div class="i0"><span class="pagenum" id="Page_252">252</span>That is about the size of it, I guess.</div> - <div class="i0">The Jewish vote, you understand——</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">CASSINI:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="right">I see:</div> - <div class="i0">To help you get it you apply to me;</div> - <div class="i0">And my Imperial Master is the cat</div> - <div class="i0">To pull your chestnuts from the fire. Well, “Scat,</div> - <div class="i0">You beast!” is not the right command.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">HAY:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">My noble friend, you do not understand.</div> - <div class="i0">What I shall offer to you for transmission</div> - <div class="i0">Is nothing but a courteous petition,</div> - <div class="i0">Which if you pocket (<i>winking</i>) on your own head be it.</div> - <div class="i0">I shall have done my duty as I see it.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">CASSINI:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">But how about your master?</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">HAY:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="right">He’s all right;</div> - <div class="i0">He must make faces, but he need not fight.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">CASSINI:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Hand in the document without delay—</div> - <div class="i0"><span class="pagenum" id="Page_253">253</span>’Twill go on file. I bid you, sir, good day.</div> - <div class="right">[<i>Exit Cassini; enter Roosevelt.</i>]</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">ROOSEVELT:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Well, John, I trust you broke no bones. Did you</div> - <div class="i0">Caution that candle-eater what we’ll do</div> - <div class="i0">If one more Hebrew they annoy? Does he</div> - <div class="i0">Clearly perceive they’ll have to deal with Me?</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">HAY:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Well, I should say so! Sir, I plainly said</div> - <div class="i0">You’d heap their land with tumuli of dead;</div> - <div class="i0">Hang by the heels the Czar until he’d weep</div> - <div class="i0">His shoes full; load the sanguinary deep</div> - <div class="i0">With battleships until ’twould overwhelm</div> - <div class="i0">The seaboard cities of their monkey realm;</div> - <div class="i0">Encumber it with wrecks and floating carcasses!</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">ROOSEVELT:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">That programme is more strenuous than Marcus’s—</div> - <div class="i0">Hanna, my master. <i>He</i> would never dare</div> - <div class="i0">To twist the tail of the fierce Russian bear.</div> - <div class="i0">I’m big enough to tackle any brute!</div> - <div class="right">[<i>Exit Roosevelt.</i>]</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">HAY (<i>solus</i>):</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">I too am quite a sizable galoot.</div> - </div> - </div> - </div> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_254">254</span> - <h3 id="POST_MORTEM">POST MORTEM</h3> - </div> - - <p><i>The President.</i> <i>Miles, Commander of the Army.</i> <i>Root, - Secretary of War.</i> <i>Loeb, Private Secretary to President.</i> - <i>Hull, Chairman of Committee on Military Affairs.</i> <i>An Orderly.</i></p> - - <h4>ACT I</h4> - - <div class="center"><i>Headquarters of the Army.</i></div> - - <div class="center-container"> - <div class="drama2"> - <div class="speaker">MILES (<i>in bed</i>):</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">What ho, there! orderly—I say, I say!</div> - <div class="i0">Bring in my breakfast. What’s the time o’ day?</div> - <div class="i0">What? six o’clock!—and day’s already broke?</div> - <div class="i0">I’m too late to escape him. Holy smoke!</div> - <div class="i0">I think I hear his footstep on the stair—</div> - <div class="i0">But no, it is not his: there is no blare</div> - <div class="i0">Of a great trumpet strenuously blown—</div> - <div class="i0">That veritable <i>tuba mirum</i> known</div> - <div class="i0">To have sounded once the charge at Kettle Hill</div> - <div class="i0">(After ’twas made) and to be sounding still.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">ORDERLY:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Perhaps he will not come.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">MILES:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="right">Perhaps, perhaps—</div> - <div class="i0">Yet well I know those War Department chaps</div> - <div class="i0">Have told him of my novel plan that places</div> - <div class="i0">The Army on a military basis.</div> - <div class="i0">Ne’er mind the breakfast; I’ll get up and fly</div> - <div class="i0">Before the sun’s another minute high.</div> - <div class="i0">If I can by a masterly retreat</div> - <div class="i0">Escape him trust me to come back and eat.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker"><span class="pagenum" id="Page_255">255</span>ORDERLY:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">There’s some one, sir, a-tryin’ to break in.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">MILES:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">O Lord, forgive my every little sin!</div> - <div class="i0">Seeing that I was going to be late</div> - <div class="i0">Developing my Plan, he would not wait,</div> - <div class="i0">He’s risen with the lark, alas, and brought</div> - <div class="i0">His answer to my unperfected thought.</div> - <div class="i0">He always was forehanded.</div> - <div class="right">[<i>Enter President.</i>]</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker clear">PRESIDENT:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="right">I’ve no time</div> - <div class="i0">To let the punishment await the crime.</div> - <div class="i0">Take that, and that, and that! (<i>beating him.</i>)</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker"><span class="pagenum" id="Page_256">256</span>MILES:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="right">Of course, of course;</div> - <div class="i0">I’m firm in judgment, but I yield to force.</div> - <div class="i0">“Submission is a military virtue,”</div> - <div class="i0">The Regulations say, “howe’er it hurt you.”</div> - <div class="i0">I’ll now submit to buffets with sobriety,</div> - <div class="i0">And, later on, my view of their propriety,</div> - <div class="i0">Together with some pertinent suggestions</div> - <div class="i0">Touching important military questions.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">PRESIDENT:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">You may, and touching civil ones to boot;</div> - <div class="i0">Submit them, though, to Secretary Root.</div> - <div class="right">[<i>Enter Root.</i>]</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">MILES:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Yes, but ’twould hearten me if you’d agree</div> - <div class="i0">To signify your mind to him, not me.</div> - <div class="i0">Seeing him lame I’ll know the views I deem</div> - <div class="i0">Correct are held by you in light esteem.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">ROOT:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Don’t rub your bruises, man; that’s mutiny!</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">PRESIDENT:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">And it demands official scrutiny.</div> - <div class="i0">I’ll summon a court-martial, sir, to “fire” you;</div> - <div class="i0"><span class="pagenum" id="Page_257">257</span>And if it finds you guiltless I’ll retire you.</div> - <div class="i0">You huff me anyhow. Dashnation, man,</div> - <div class="i0">The battle spirit, like a black-and-tan</div> - <div class="i0">Ranch dog, sits up and howls within my breast,</div> - <div class="i0">And it’s O, to bust a bronco in the West!</div> - <div class="i0">Fetch me that broomstick, soldier. Golly me!</div> - <div class="i0">I must ride something or I die.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">ROOT (<i>on hands and knees</i>):</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="right">Ride me.</div> - </div> - </div> - </div> - - - <h4>ACT II</h4> - - <div class="center"><i>The White House</i></div> - - <div class="center-container"> - <div class="drama2"> - <div class="speaker">LOEB:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">O Mr. President, depress your ear</div> - <div class="i0">Till it enfold me, so that you may hear</div> - <div class="i0">Strange news of one departed—one that you</div> - <div class="i0">Have done to death: old Nelson Miles.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">ROOSEVELT:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="right">Go to!</div> - <div class="i0">There is no news of him; he’s dead as nails.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">LOEB:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">About him, though, they tell alarming tales.</div> - <div class="i0"><span class="pagenum" id="Page_258">258</span>’Tis said that he has moved an inch or so.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">ROOSEVELT:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Go put a heavier stone upon him—go!</div> - <div class="i0">Confound the fellow! will he ne’er stay dead?</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">LOEB:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">The worst is yet to come: they say his head</div> - <div class="i0">Is half-protruded from the tomb!</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">ROOSEVELT:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="right">Quick, quick!</div> - <div class="i0">Go rap it roundly with the big, big stick.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">LOEB:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Nay, that’s a weapon I’m too weak to wield.</div> - <div class="right">(<i>aside</i>)</div> - <div class="i0">For anything I know, the corpse is “heeled.”</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">ROOSEVELT:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Where’s Colonel Hull? Command him to attack.</div> - <div class="i0">He’s brave and generous enough to crack</div> - <div class="i0">The skull of any dead man living. Take the stick.</div> - <div class="right">[<i>Exit Loeb.</i>]</div> - <div class="i0">That rogue’s obedient, but he makes me sick.</div> - <div class="right">[<i>An hour elapses. Enter Hull.</i>]</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker"><span class="pagenum" id="Page_259">259</span>HULL:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">The work is done: again he is no more—</div> - <div class="i0">He was half out. These red stains are his gore.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">ROOSEVELT:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">I trust you gave him a conclusive whack.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">HULL:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Well, not exactly, but—I bit his back!</div> - </div> - </div> - </div> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_260">260</span> - <h3 id="A_STRAINED_RELATION">A STRAINED RELATION</h3> - </div> - - <p><i>The President.</i> <i>Root, Secretary of State.</i> <i>Taft, - Secretary of War.</i> <i>Bonaparte, Secretary of the Navy.</i> - <i>Metcalf, Secretary of Commerce and Labor.</i> <i>Dewey, an - Admiral.</i> <i>Loeb, Private Secretary to the President.</i></p> - - <h4>ACT I</h4> - - <p class="center"><i>The White House, October, 1906.</i></p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Root</span>—Mr. President, the Japanese Minister complains that the - children of his countrymen in California are denied admittance to the - public schools.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">President</span>—That will be bad for their education.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Root</span>—He regards this as an unfriendly discrimination.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Pres.</span>—I should suppose that would be a painful conviction.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Root</span>—He says his countrymen in Japan are greatly excited about - it.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Pres.</span>—What a jabbering they must make.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_261">261</span></p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Root</span>—He is making a good deal of noise himself.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Pres.</span>—Dare say. Let’s ask Metcalf about it; he’s from - California. [<i>Taps the bell nine times—enter Secretary Metcalf.</i>] - Mr. Secretary, how about the exclusion of Japs from the Californian - public schools, poor little things!</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Metcalf</span>—There are separate schools for them. The average age - of the poor little things is about thirty years.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Pres.</span>—How affecting! Many of them must be orphans. I was once - an orphan.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Root</span> (<i>aside</i>)—His levity fatigues. (<i>To the - President</i>) Among the Japanese there are no orphans: those of them - that have lost their parents have an official father in the Minister of - War.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Pres.</span>—What’s that?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Root</span>—Their actual guardian is the ranking admiral of the navy.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Pres.</span>—The devil!</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Root</span>—No; Togo.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Pres.</span>—This is a mighty serious matter, as I said. Go at once - to the Japanese Minister and disavow everything. [<i>Exit Secretary - Root, smiling aside.</i>] Metcalf, tell Loeb to prepare apologies for - Japan, for publication in the newspapers. Take the first train to - California, and——</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_262">262</span></p> - - <p class="right">[<i>Exit Secretary Metcalf. Enter Secretary Bonaparte, breathless.</i>]</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Bonaparte</span>—Mr. President, the J-J—the Mapanese Jinister is in - the offing with all his s-suite! He is sailing up the gravel walk this - very m-minute! For heaven’s sake, go to the window and show your teeth.</p> - - <p class="right">[<i>Exit Secretary Bonaparte, running. Tumult within: “Banzai! - Banzai!”</i>]</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Pres.</span> (<i>solus</i>)—What under the sun can I say to appease - the pirates? This is what comes of the Peace of Portsmouth! It is this - to be a world power with a contumacious province.</p> - - <p class="right">[<i>Has had a bad half-hour.</i>]</p> - - <h4>ACT II</h4> - - <p class="center"><i>The Same, August, 1907.</i></p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Pres.</span>—Mr. Secretary, it is reported that the Japanese in - Hawaii are rising.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Met.</span>—You don’t say so! Why, it is hardly six o’clock by their - time. They are early risers.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Pres.</span>—I learn from Secretary Root that Admiral Togo’s - battleships are coaling. Now, what can that mean? </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_263">263</span></p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Met.</span>—Let us ask Dewey. [<i>Enter, thoughtfully, Admiral - Dewey.</i>] Admiral, the President has learned that the Japanese - battleships at Tokio are taking on coal. What, in your judgment as a - sailor, are they going to do with it?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Dewey</span>—Burn it.</p> - - <p class="right">[<i>Enter Secretary Root.</i>]</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Root</span>—Mr. President, California is about to secede—we shall - lose Metcalf! The entire Pacific Coast will follow. I go to glory or - the grave!</p> - - <p class="right">[<i>Exit Secretary Root. Enter Secretary Taft, with bottle.</i>]</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Taft</span>—In this supreme crisis of the nation let us fortify our - souls (<i>filling glasses</i>) for any trial.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Pres.</span> (<i>lifting glass</i>)—Here’s confusion to the memory of - the late Commodore Matthew Perry!</p> - - <p class="right">[<i>They drink. Tumult within: “Banzai! Banzai!” Enter Loeb.</i>]</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Loeb</span>—Mr. President——</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Pres.</span>—Where’s Root?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Loeb</span>—In the East Room, playing draw poker with the Japanese - Minister. [<i>Renewed tumult within</i>: “<i>Banzai Nippon!</i>”] The - Jap seems to be winning.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_264">264</span> - <h3 id="A_WIRELESS_ANTEPENULTIMATUM">A WIRELESS ANTEPENULTIMATUM</h3> - </div> - - <div class="center"><i>The President.</i> <i>Hay, Secretary of State.</i> <i>Bowen, - Minister to Venezuela.</i></div> - - <div class="center-container"> - <div class="drama2"> - <div class="speaker">PRESIDENT:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">John Hay, where are you on the great, gray sea?</div> - <div class="i0">I beg you will at once return to me.</div> - <div class="i0">This wireless business is the devil’s own,</div> - <div class="i0">And Castro’s playing him with me alone!</div> - <div class="i0">Venezuela sneering at my threat;</div> - <div class="i0">Santo Domingo more and more in debt;</div> - <div class="i0">Their foreign creditors dispatching fleets</div> - <div class="i0">With duns and guns and sons of guns—it beats</div> - <div class="i0">The Dutch, the devil and the band! I swear</div> - <div class="i0">From sheer distraction I could pull your hair!</div> - <div class="i0">’Twixt Castro and the Doctrine of Monroe,</div> - <div class="i0">My fears are nimble and my wits are slow.</div> - <div class="i0">I know not where to go nor how to stop—</div> - <div class="i0">Stand fast or, like old Saul of Tarsus, “flop.”</div> - <div class="i0">Nothing I know, and everything I doubt—</div> - <div class="i0">Dear John, in God’s name put your prow about!</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker"><span class="pagenum" id="Page_265">265</span>HAY:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Though the skies fall upon the hills beneath</div> - <div class="i0">Be resolute. If needful show your teeth.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">PRESIDENT:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Dear Bowen, go to Castro. Tell him straight</div> - <div class="i0">He must make up his mind to arbitrate.</div> - <div class="i0">Say if he won’t—here swing the big, big stick—</div> - <div class="i0">We’ll do a little stunt to make him sick.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">BOWEN:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Your words I’ve put into his ear. Said he:</div> - <div class="i0">“I’m sick already—to the mountains, me.”</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">PRESIDENT:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Tell him again; then if he won’t, why, add</div> - <div class="i0">We’ll give him ninety days to wish he had.</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">BOWEN:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">I’ve told him that, sir, and he says if you</div> - <div class="i0">Are pressed for time a single day will do,</div> - <div class="i0">For he’s a rapid wisher. What shall I</div> - <div class="i0">Say further, to provoke a coarse reply?</div> - </div> - - <div class="speaker">PRESIDENT:</div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Tell him that when the time allowed is up</div> - <div class="i0">We’ll press against his lips the bitter cup.</div> - <div class="i0">We’ll waste no further words in this. Don’t fail</div> - <div class="i0">To send the scalawag’s reply—by mail.</div> - </div> - </div> - </div> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_266">266</span> - <h3 id="A_PRESIDENTIAL_PROGRESS">A PRESIDENTIAL PROGRESS</h3> - </div> - - <p><span class="smcap">First American Sovereign</span>—Hurrah! Hooray! Hurroo!</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Second American Sovereign</span>—What’s the matter with you?</p> - - <p>F. A. S.—What’s the matter with me? What’s the matter with all of us? - Don’t you see the President’s train? Don’t you hear him speaking from - the rear platform?</p> - - <p>S. A. S.—What’s to prevent?</p> - - <p>F. A. S.—Nothing could prevent—not all the crowned heads of Europe, nor - all their sycophant courtiers and servile subjects!</p> - - <p>S. A. S.—No, nothing—just nothing at all—excepting personal - self-respect and a decent sense of the dignity of American citizenship.</p> - - <p>F. A. S.—What! You think it base and undignified to pay honor to the - President’s great office?</p> - - <p>S. A. S.—It is easy to call it “honoring his great office.” I believe - we commonly do give the name of some virtue to our besetting vice. I - observe that the President, too, honors our own great office by the - most sickening flattery of the people every<span class="pagenum" id="Page_267">267</span> time he opens his mouth. - His reasons are better than ours, for we really rank him: his great - office is of our own making and bestowal. But I wish he wouldn’t lick - my boots.</p> - - <p>F. A. S.—Sir, you have no right to use such language of the ruler of - the nation!</p> - - <p>S. A. S.—It is “ruler” when you want an excuse to grovel; in your more - austere moods it is “servant of the people”—and that is his own name - for the thing that he has the distinction to be. I don’t cheer my - butler, nor throw flowers at my coachman, nor crush the hand of my cook.</p> - - <p>F. A. S. (<i>aside</i>)—This must be a millionaire! (<i>Aloud</i>) I - see great wisdom, sir, in what you say. I’ll never again abase myself - before any one. Listen to the senseless applause! (<i>Aside, as loud as - he can bawl</i>) Hooray! Hooray!</p> - - <p>S. A. S.—Ah, that was the fellow’s expiring platitude. He has finished - waving the red flag and is coming this way.</p> - - <p class="right">[<i>President passes, shaking hands with both.</i>]</p> - - <p>F. A. S. (<i>gazing at his hand with deep emotion</i>)—God bless him!</p> - - <p>S. A. S.—Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_269">269</span></p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter mb10"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_271">271</span> - <h2>MISCELLANEOUS </h2> - </div> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <h3 id="THE_SAMPLE_COUNTER">THE SAMPLE COUNTER</h3> - </div> - - <h4>OUR HISTORICAL NOVELS</h4> - - <div class="mt3"><i>From “The First Man in Rome.”</i></div> - - <p class="drop-cap mt0">NO sooner had Cæsar crossed the Rubicon than all Rome was ablaze with - excitement and terror. Horatius, who all by himself had held the bridge - until outnumbered, retreated to the Tiber, where he was joined by the - new levies, imperfectly armed and equipped, and some of the Prætorian - Guards. There, behind such defenses as they could improvise, they swore - to resist until all were dead. Sacrifices were offered to the gods, and - the augurs, removing the hearts of the victims, consulted the auricles.</p> - - <p>Meantime Cæsar’s leading legion, with Scipio Africanus marching proudly - at its head, came into view beyond the Tarpeian Rock—the same from - which the unhappy Sappho, one of the most prominent poets of her time, - had cast herself—and advanced without delay in a shower of catapults.</p> - - <p>Precisely what occurred during the next half-hour we are without the - data to state with confidence: all the historical novels of the three - or four centuries<span class="pagenum" id="Page_272">272</span> immediately following were destroyed in the accident - at Pompeii; but at three o’clock in the afternoon of that fateful - day Brutus lay dead upon the field of honor and the beaten forces of - Horatius were in tumultuous retreat along the Claudian aqueduct. Then - Cleopatra came forth from her place of concealment, resolved to throw - herself at the feet of her conquering lover and intercede for the - doomed city.</p> - - <div class="mt3 mb0"><i>From “Court and Camp.”</i></div> - - <p class="mt0">Through a tangled wild as dense as death the martial forced his way, - despite the wounds that the Russian forces had inflicted upon his aged - frame. Suddenly he departed from the undergrowth and found himself - in an open glade of inconsiderable dimensions, and before his vision - stood the widely known figure of Napoleon, with folded arms and in a - greatcoat falling to his heels. The king was apparently oblivious to - his environment, but instinctively “the bravest of the brave,” ever - considerate and genteel, drew back into cover, unwilling to interrupt - the royal revery. Apparently Napoleon was immersed in meditations.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_273">273</span></p> - - <p>What these were we have not the temerity to conjecture. Waterloo had - been fought and lost!—the last die had been cast to the winds and - the dream of universal empire had gone down in gloom! Did he realize - that all was over? Was he conjuring up the future and forecasting the - judgment of posterity—the figure that he was destined to cut in the - historical novels of a later age? Did visions of St. Helena float - before his prophetic gaze? Alas, we know not!</p> - - <p>At the sound of a breaking twig beneath the martial’s foot the king - started from his revery and said in French: “Live the France!” Then, - deriving a slender stiletto from his regalia, he plunged it into the - left ventricle of his heart and fell dead before the martial, who was - greatly embarrassed, could summon medical assistance.</p> - - <p>Josephine was avenged!</p> - - <div class="mt3 mb0"><i>From “The Crusader.”</i></div> - - <p class="mt0">It was midnight beneath the walls of the beleaguered city. Sir Guy de - Chassac de Carcassonne leaned heavily upon his great two-handed sword, - fatigued with slaughter. Hardly had he closed his eyes in slumber when - the seven Saracens chosen by Saladin for the perilous emprise stole - forth from the postern gate and stealthily<span class="pagenum" id="Page_274">274</span> surrounded him. Then at a - preconcerted signal they flashed their scimitars in air and rushed upon - their prey!</p> - - <p>But it was fated to be otherwise. At the first stroke of the Toledo - blades Sir Guy awoke. To pluck his long weapon from the soil was the - work of a comparatively short time; then with one mighty circular sweep - of the steel he clove them all asunder at the waist!</p> - - <p>Jerusalem was delivered and remains a Christian city to this day!</p> - - <div class="mt3 mb0"><i>From “Blood and Beer.”</i></div> - - <p class="mt0">The booming of the cannon awakened Bismarck with a start. Vaulting - into the saddle with remarkable grace, he was soon in the thickest - of the fray, and many a foeman fell beneath his genius. Yet even in - the terrible din and confusion of battle his mental processes were - normal, and he thought only of the countess, while absently dealing - death about him. Suddenly he was roused from his revery by the impact - of a battle-axe upon his helmet, and turning his eyes in the direction - whence it seemed to have been delivered, he beheld the sneering visage - of De Grammont on a black steed.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_275">275</span></p> - - <p>Here was an opportunity that might satisfy the most exacting—an - opportunity to rid his country of a traitor and himself of a rival; - to serve at once his ambition and his love. His noble nature forbade. - Waving his enemy aside, he thoughtfully withdrew from the field, - resolved to press his suit otherwise.</p> - - <div class="mt3 mb0"><i>From “The Iron Duchess.”</i></div> - - <p class="mt0">As Wellington rode moodily away from the fatal field of Blenheim, - meditating upon the wreck of his ambition, he encountered the seer whom - he had met the day before.</p> - - <p>“Wretch!” he exclaimed, drawing his scimitar, “it is you that have done - this! But for your accursed predictions I should have won the battle - and the Swiss king would now be flying before my victorious legends. - Die, therefore!”</p> - - <p>So saying, he raised his armed hand to smite, but the blow did not - fall. Even while the blade was suspended in the air the seer’s long - black cloak fell away, the white hair and concealing beard were flung - aside, and the Iron Duke found himself gazing into the laughing eyes of - Madame de Maintenon! Speechless with astonishment, he thundered: “What - is the meaning of this?”</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_276">276</span></p> - - <p>“Ah, monsieur,” she replied, with that enchanting smile which had lured - Louis XIV to the guillotine, “it means that I amuse myself.”</p> - - <div class="mt3 mb0"><i>From “The Noddle of Navarre.”</i></div> - - <p class="mt0">When Henry of Navarre saw the ruin he had wrought he elevated his - helmet from his marble brow and stepped three paces to the rear. The - priest advanced with flashing eyes and, lifting both hands to the - zenith, explained that vengeance was the Lord’s—He would repay!</p> - - <p>“It is better so,” assented the king—“I prefer it thus.”</p> - - <p>But even as he spake a shot from the moat pierced his brain and he - fell, to reign no more!</p> - - <div class="mt3 mb0"><i>From “Louis the Luckless.”</i></div> - - <p class="mt0">Observing that his presence was not suspected, Richelieu remained with - his eye glued to the keyhole. It was well that he did so, for the - conspirators now laid off their masks, and among them he recognized - the king himself! Here was a situation that he believed unique; in all - his experience in court and camp there was no precedent A sovereign - conspiring for his own overthrow, his <span class="pagenum" id="Page_277">277</span>assassination! Richelieu was - deeply affected by so striking an instance of unselfishness. He reeled - and fell to the floor in an agony of admiration.</p> - - <div class="mt3 mb0"><i>From “The Road to Tusculum.”</i></div> - - <p class="mt0">No sooner did Cicero perceive his legions retreating than he spurred - impetuously from the field, thundering that all was lost. Passing - swiftly across the Tiber by a secret bridge, he proceeded to the - Forum, and entering the senate unannounced, communicated the news of - the disaster. This was Pompey’s opportunity; he rose in his place and - extending his index finger in the direction of the defeated warrior - exclaimed in sarcastic accents: “Romans, behold your liberator from - the chains of the Volscians! Behold the orator-general to whom you - owe so much! Let him hereafter (if we have a hereafter) oppose to - his country’s armed invaders the power of his matchless tongue. The - sword is too heavy for a hand trained in the light calisthenics of - gesticulation!” Maddened by this artful arraignment, the senators rose - as one Roman and, headed by Marcus Aurelius, fell upon the unfortunate - commander, tearing him limb from limb!</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_278">278</span></p> - - <div class="mt3 mb0"><i>From “The Loves of Cromwell.”</i></div> - - <p class="mt0">Night fell darkly over the city of Worcester.</p> - - <p>Cromwell had marched all day to reach it by seven roads, and at nine in - the evening besieged it with a hundred thousand men.</p> - - <p>A desperate struggle ensued, at the close of which Cromwell rose from - his knees victorious over the forces of his king.</p> - - <p>“Bring that son of Belial before me!” he roared, “that I may deal with - him according to his sins.”</p> - - <p>Charles, pale and trembling, with manacled hands and bowed head, was led in.</p> - - <p>The lord protector eyed him haughtily, then addressing a brief prayer - to Heaven sprang forward and with one stroke of his blade severed the - royal head from the royal shoulders.</p> - - <p>Thus ended the War of the Roses, and England was again a republic.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_279">279</span></p> - <h4 id="OUR_TALES_OF_SENTIMENT">OUR TALES OF SENTIMENT</h4> - - <div class="mt3"><i>From “One Woman.”</i></div> - - <p class="drop-cap mt0">GLADYS climbed to the balustrade of the bridge and, adjusting her - skirts, plunged into the gloomiest forebodings.</p> - - <p>“Why,” she said, “should the future look so dark to one possessing all - that fortune can donate?”</p> - - <p>She added a number of profound reflections on the vanity of life, - ending with a brilliant epigram. It had scarcely died upon her lips - when Armitage arrived upon the tapis and took in the situation at a - glance. Striding hastily forward, he bowed gracefully and signified - a desire to know the cause of her abstraction. She burst into tears - and complied with his wish. Then she flung herself about his neck and - accorded full expression to her grief, which he delicately professed - not to observe; for this noble figure had been educated in the best - schools of European gentility.</p> - - <div class="mt3 mb0"><i>From “But a Single Thought.”</i></div> - - <p class="mt0">Seeing her proceeding away from him, perhaps forever, Auvergne - intercepted her with an expression of regret<span class="pagenum" id="Page_280">280</span> for his rudeness, coupled - with a plea for pardon. For a breathless instant she stayed her - progress as if uncertain as to the degree of his offense, then resumed - her pace till she reached the river’s brim. With an unconscious prayer - she sprang swooning into the breakers and was with difficulty prevented - from meeting a watery grave.</p> - - <div class="mt3 mb0"><i>From “A Belle of Castile.”</i></div> - - <p class="mt0">Josephina had progressed but a brief distance into the garden when - some inner sense proclaimed that she was followed: the crunching of a - gentleman’s heel upon the gravel was indisputable. Partially terrified, - she sought concealment in the shrubbery that bordered the path on the - one side and the other. It passed by her there in the moonlight, that - dreadful sound, yet no one visible! It went on and on, growing fainter - and fainter, like herself, and was lost to hearing. Then she remembered - the tradition of the Invisible Knight and her heart smote her for the - absence of faith with which she had so often greeted it.</p> - - <p>“I am fitly punished,” she conceded, “for my sceptical attitude. - Henceforth, so far as the constitution of<span class="pagenum" id="Page_281">281</span> my mind will permit, I will - be more hospitable to the convictions of the simple.”</p> - - <p>How she adhered to this expiational resolution we shall behold.</p> - - <div class="mt3 mb0"><i>From “The Queen’s Chaperon.”</i></div> - - <p class="mt0">The duke stepped from his carriage to a neighboring hill and cast - his eye athwart his ancestral domain. “All this,” he mused, “I must - renounce if I comply with the queen’s royal suggestion to fly with her - to Rome. Is she worth the privation? I must have time to consider a - transaction of such great importance.”</p> - - <p>Hastily entering his carriage, he haughtily bade the coachman drive him - to some expensive hotel, whence he dispatched a delicately perfumed - note to her Majesty, saying that he should be detained a few days by - affairs of state, but assuring her of his uncommon fidelity. Then he - retired to his couch and thought it all over in Italian. The next day - he arose and fled rapidly.</p> - - <div class="mt3 mb0"><i>From “The Uplifting of Lennox.”</i></div> - - <p class="mt0">On hearing the terrible news Myra fell supine to earth without delay! </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_282">282</span></p> - - <p>“Is it nothing?” inquired Lennox. “Is it only a temporary - indisposition?—will it soon pass?”</p> - - <p>But Myra replied only with a significant pallor which told all too - plainly what the most accomplished linguist would vainly have striven - to express.</p> - - <p>How long she lay unconscious we know not, but promptly on becoming her - previous self she let fall a multitude of tears.</p> - - <p>Lennox yielded to the requirements of etiquette and stole away.</p> - - <div class="mt3 mb0"><i>From “Bertha of Bootha.”</i></div> - - <p class="mt0">As they strolled along the Riviera the setting sun was just touching - the summit of the Alps and firing them with an electrical glow. Turning - to her, he looked into her beautiful eyes and thus expressed himself:</p> - - <p>“Dearest, I am about to make an important statement.”</p> - - <p>She almost instantly divined the character of the communication that he - referred to, and it affected her with perturbation. It was so sudden. - “If,” she remarked, “you could postpone the statement above mentioned - until a more suitable occasion I should regard your forbearance with satisfaction.” </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_283">283</span></p> - - <p>“Very well,” he replied, with coldness, “I will wait until we are not alone.”</p> - - <p>“Thank you, ever so much,” she blushed, and all was silence. Later in - the season he explained to her the trend of his affections, and she - signified the pleasure that she derived from his preference.</p> - - <div class="mt3 mb0"><i>From “Hertha of Hootha.”</i></div> - - <p class="mt0">The moon rose in the east without a sound and the ripples on the bosom - of the main ran silently to the beach. Hertha and Henri, having similar - sensibilities, were equally overcome by the solemnity of the scene, - and neither inaugurated a conversation. Their love was too true for - utterance by human tongue. Thus they paced for a considerable period, - when suddenly the silence was cut asunder by a woman’s scream!</p> - - <p>“I know that voice,” cried Henri, hastily divesting himself of as many - of his upper garments as, under the circumstances, he deemed it proper - to do; “it is Minetta committing suicide!”</p> - - <p>He immediately plunged into the Atlantic, while Hertha stood rooted to - the sand, endeavoring to regulate her emotions. In a few moments, which - seemed an age, he emerged from the deep, bearing the deceased, whom he - tenderly flung at her rival’s<span class="pagenum" id="Page_284">284</span> feet.</p> - - <p>Then the survivors knelt and prayed in both English and French.</p> - - <div class="mt3 mb0"><i>From “Ethel Shanks.”</i></div> - - <p class="mt0">Ethel hastened slowly along the path leading to the cliff above the - lake. The full moon was rising in the east, for the hour was midnight, - and her warm radiance bathed the landscape in a blue languor.</p> - - <p>To Ethel the sky had never seemed so blue, nor the Polyanthes tuberosa - in her corsage so white. She drank joy with her every breath, and - she breathed quickly from her exertion in climbing the eminence on - which she stood. Hearing footprints approaching, she turned, and the - baron stood before her! “I was hasty,” he explained. “I should not - have disclosed my love with such abruption. Permit me to withdraw my - inconsiderate declaration.”</p> - - <p>Ethel’s heart sank within her! She could not refuse him the desired - permission; that would not have been genteel: and Ethel was under all - circumstances the lady. So she beat back the tears and said:</p> - - <p>“Please, sir, dismiss it from attention.” </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_285">285</span></p> - - <p>The cry of her broken heart was unheard by that callous ear, - unaccustomed to the sad, sweet chords evoked from the harp of a dead - hope. The nobleman lit his pipe and, his cruel errand performed, - returned to his ancestral mansion. For one or two moments Ethel stood - on the brink of eternity. Precipitating herself from the extreme edge, - she awaited death with composure; she had done her full duty and had no - fear of the Hereafter.... At the base of the precipice she came into - violent contact with a large granite boulder and was no more.</p> - - <p>They found her body at the feet of the cliff, and the baron was torn by - conflicting emotions, for the head lay at some distance from the trunk, - a truly melancholy spectacle.</p> - - <p>“Can it be possible,” he remarked, “that she is no more?”</p> - - <p>Assured by the physician that such was the fact, he signified a high - degree of regret and strode from the spot unattended; and to this day - his fate is cloaked in the impenetrable waters of oblivion.</p> - - <div class="mt3 mb0"><i>From “A Demising Love.”</i></div> - - <p class="mt0">James endeavored ineffectually to ascertain the trend of her - affections: her expression remained a blank. He erroneously attributed - his failure to poor skill in physiognomy<span class="pagenum" id="Page_286">286</span> and inwardly bewailed his - youthful neglect of the advantages of education. While so engaged he - fancied he detected in her look something significant of an interest in - his personality. Could he be mistaken? No, there it was again!</p> - - <p>Arising from his sedentary attitude to the full stature of his young - manhood, he crossed the intervening Persian rug and possessed himself - of her hand.</p> - - <p>“Mabel,” he inquired, “do you not experience the promptings of a - dawning tenderness for one to whom you are much?”</p> - - <p>Receiving no negative answer he kissed her simultaneously on both - cheeks, and, falling rapidly upon one knee, poured out his soul - in beautiful language, mostly devoted to commendation of her fine - character and disposition.</p> - - <p>Mabel did not at once respond. She was deceased.</p> - - <div class="mt3 mb0"><i>From “March Hares.”</i></div> - - <p class="mt0">Mrs. Rorqual deposited her embroidery on the sofa by her side and, - slightly changing color, said, “No, my ideals are not unchangeable; - they have undergone memorable alteration within the last hour.”</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_287">287</span></p> - - <p>“Let us hope,” said D’Anchovi, uncrossing his hands, and putting one - forefinger into a buttonhole of his coat, “that they are still high.”</p> - - <p>She resumed her embroidery and, looking at a painting of the martyrdom - of St. Denis over the mantel, replied, “Would it matter?”</p> - - <p>“Surely,” said he, lightly beating the carpet with the heel of his - well-fitting shoe; “for ideals are more than thoughts. I sometimes - think they are things—that <i>we</i> are <i>their</i> thoughts.”</p> - - <p>She did not immediately reply. A curtain at an open window moved - audibly. A sunbeam crept through the lattice of the piazza outside and - fell upon the window-ledge. The fly previously mentioned now walked - indolently along the top of the Japanese screen, then fearlessly - descended the face of it to within an inch of the mouth of a painted - frog. D’Anchovi, with a lifting of his eyebrows, maintained a - determined silence.</p> - - <p>“I should think that an uncomfortable creed,” Mrs. Rorqual said at - last, withdrawing the tip of her shoe, which had been visible beneath - the edge of her gown, and shifting her gaze from St. Denis to one of - the crystal ornaments of the candelabrum<span class="pagenum" id="Page_288">288</span> pendent from the ceiling.</p> - - <p>He passed the fingers of his right hand through his hair, slightly - shifted his position on his chair and said: “Mrs. Rorqual, I have to - thank you for a most agreeable hour. Shall I see you on the golf-links to-morrow?”</p> - - <p>So they parted, but when he was gone she toyed thoughtfully with - a spray of heliotrope growing in a jardinière and then ran her - forefinger along a part of the pattern of the wallpaper.</p> - - <div class="mt3 mb0"><i>From “A Study in Dissection.”</i></div> - - <p class="mt0">Captain Gerard introspected. He spread his heart, as it were, upon the - dissecting-table of conscience and examined it from several points of - view. It is a familiar act—we call it analysis of motive. When he had - concluded he knew why he had accepted the invitation of the countess - to dinner. He knew why he had insulted the count. Equally obvious were - his reasons for mentioning to Iphigeneia the holy bonds of matrimony. - In all his conduct since his last introspection but one act baffled - him: why, alas, had he spoken to Iphigeneia of the bar-semester in his - crest? </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_289">289</span></p> - - <p>As he pondered this inexplicable problem a footfall fell upon his ear - and he shuddered as if the hand of death had stepped in.</p> - - <p>It was the countess!</p> - - <div class="mt3 mb0"><i>From “Her Diplodocus.”</i></div> - - <p class="mt0">“Sir!” Miss Athylton drew herself up to her full height and looked her - interlocutor squarely in the visage. For an instant he returned her - scrutiny; then his eyes fell to the earth, stammering apologies. With a - sweeping curtsey she passed out of the room, hand over hand.</p> - - <div class="mt3 mb0"><i>From “L’Affaire Smith.”</i></div> - - <p class="mt0">As they sat there wrapping their arms about each other, she advanced - the belief that they had loved in a former state of existence.</p> - - <p>“But not as now, Irene, surely not as now.”</p> - - <p>She was well content to let him feel so about it, and did not seek - to alter the character of his emotion. To have done so would have - cut her to the heart. On the contrary, a little bird perched in the - passion-vine above them and sang several thrilling passages.</p> - - <div class="mt3 mb0"><i>From “Clarisse.”</i></div> - - <p class="mt0">He gazed into her beautiful eyes for a considerable period, during - which he did not converse; then he said, with an effort<span class="pagenum" id="Page_290">290</span> to be - sociable: “It has been represented to me that you are a lady of great - wealth. May I inquire if I have been rightly informed?”</p> - - <p>Blushing energetically at the compliment, she replied in silence, and - for a few minutes there was an embarrassing hiatus in the exchange of - thought and feeling.</p> - - <p>Fearing that he had offended her, the duke arose, and striding to the - grand piano began to improvise diligently. At that moment there came in - through the open window a sound of wheels on the gravel outside.</p> - - <p>He ceased in the middle of a nocturne and would have left the room, but - she restrained him:</p> - - <p>“It is only my father returning from India,” smiled she; “I shall be so - glad to introduce you.”</p> - - <p>The full horror of the situation burst upon him like a thunderbolt out - of a clean sky.</p> - - <p>“Madam,” he thundered, “your father is dead! He died of the plague in - Bombay, and I attended the funeral, although he had cursed me with his - last breath. I cannot—cannot meet him!”</p> - - <p>With those words falling from his white lips he flung himself out of - the room. A servant entered and handed <span class="pagenum" id="Page_291">291</span>Clarisse the visiting card of - Mrs. Delahanty.</p> - - <div class="mt3 mb0"><i>From “Mary Ann & Co.”</i></div> - - <p class="mt0">As they neared each other on the narrow bridge Paul observed that she - was profoundly agitated.</p> - - <p>“Darling,” he said, “please to signify the cause of your perturbation. - It is not impossible that I may be able to remove it. You know,” he - added, “that I have studied medicine.”</p> - - <p>She blushed deeply, then turned pale and continued to tremble. He - seized her hand and laid two fingers upon her wrist.</p> - - <p>“The pulse,” he said, “is abnormally frequent and irregular.”</p> - - <p>With a barely audible expression of disapproval, she withdrew her - hand and endeavored to pass him on the narrow footway of the bridge. - A misstep precipitated her into the stream, from which with no small - difficulty she was taken in a dying condition, a half-mile below. The - person that drew her forth from the waters was Paul’s aged uncle.</p> - - <p>“Tell Paul Dessard,” she said with her last breath, “that I love him, - die for him! Tell him how I strove successfully to hide my love from - him lest he <span class="pagenum" id="Page_292">292</span>think me unmaidenly; but it cannot matter now if he know - it. Tell him all, I pray you tell him all, and add that in that Better - Land whither I go my spirit will await him with impatience, prepared to - explain all.”</p> - - <p>The good old man bent over her, placed his open hand behind his ear and ejaculated:</p> - - <p>“Hay?”</p> - - <p>She shook her head with an infinite pathos and suspired.</p> - - <div class="mt3 mb0"><i>From “Ideals.”</i></div> - - <p class="mt0">Where the grand old Hudson river rolls its floods seaward between the - rugged Palisades and the agricultural country of its eastern bank - Janey Sewell dwelt in a little vine-covered cottage in one of the most - picturesque spots of the latter.</p> - - <p>Janey was beautiful all day long. Her hair was as dark as the pinion of - a crow, and her brown eyes rivaled in lustre the sheen of the sunlight - on the bosom of the river. She was also a fine French scholar.</p> - - <p>Janey’s parents had dwelt in Yonkers from time immemorial, and sweet - to her was her native environment, whence no proffers of a marriage - into the aristocracy or nobility of England could entice her.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_293">293</span> Many - coroneted hearts had been flung at her feet—many were the impassionate - pleas that ducal lips had poured into her ear; she remained fancy - free, determined to bestow her affection upon some worthy member of an - American labor union or die a maid. We shall see with what indomitable - tenacity she adhered through disheartening trials to that commendable policy.</p> - - <div class="mt3 mb0"><i>From “Oopsie Mercer.”</i></div> - - <p class="mt0">For a long time—it seemed an eternity—they sat there hand in hand, - in the gloaming. The sheep-bells tinkled faintly in the glen, and - from an adjacent thicket the whip-poor-will sang rapturously. The - katydid grated out her mysterious accusation from the branch of an oak - overhead; the cricket droned among the glow-worms underfoot. All these - vocal efforts were conspicuously futile; in their newly found happiness - the lovers heeded nothing but each other. O love!</p> - - <p>Suddenly, on the dew-starred sward, a loud oath rang out behind them. - Harold rose promptly to his own feet, the lady remaining in session on - the log, her hands demurely folded in her lap. The report of a firearm - illuminated the gloom, and ere Harold could intercept the deadly - missile<span class="pagenum" id="Page_294">294</span> it had pierced Miss Mercer’s heart! She fell forward and died - without medical assistance.</p> - - <p>Harold mounted the log and obtained a fairly good view of the - aggressor; it was James Wroth, and he was engaged in taking a second - aim. With the lightning-like intuition of a brave man in an emergency - Harold inferred that he was the intended victim.</p> - - <p>“Fiend!” sprang he, and a death struggle was inaugurated without delay.</p> - - <p>Let us go back to the time when we left James Wroth nourishing the - fires of an intellectual tempest implanted by Miss Mercer’s rejection - of his suit, and embarking for Europe in another tongue.</p> - - <div class="mt3 mb0"><i>From “Lance and Lute.”</i></div> - - <p class="mt0">The faint booming of the distant cannon grew more and more deafening; - the thunder of the charging cavalry reverberated o’er the field of - battle: the enemies were evidently making a stand.</p> - - <p>Plympton arrived at the scene of action just as the commanding general - ordered an advance along the entire front. Spurring his steed to the - centre of the line he rang out his voice in accents of defiance and was - promoted for gallantry.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_295">295</span></p> - - <p>Bertram who was an eye-witness, immediately withdrew his objection to - the marriage. This took place shortly afterward and was attended with - the happiest results.</p> - - <div class="mt3 mb0"><i>From “Sundry Hearts.”</i></div> - - <p class="mt0">When presented to the object of his devotion the earl could not - suppress his sentiments. The Lady Gwendolin saw them as plainly as if - they had been branded upon his brow. Her agitation was comparable to - his. All the pent-up emotion of her deep, womanly nature surged to her - countenance and paralyzed her so that she was unable to offer her hand. - She consequently contented herself with a graceful inclination of the - head. The Earl was excessively disappointed. Turning upon his heel he - bowed and walked away.</p> - - <p>Gwendolin retired to the conservatory and uttered a deep-drawn sigh, - then, returning to the ballroom, flung herself into the waltz with an - assumed ecstasy that elicited wide comment.</p> - - <div class="mt3 mb0"><i>From “La Belle Damn.”</i></div> - - <p class="mt0">Under the harvest moon, now at its best, the corpse of Ronald showed - ghastly white, the frost sparkling in its beard<span class="pagenum" id="Page_296">296</span> and hair. Clementine’s - consciousness of its impulchritude was without a flaw. Had she ever - really experienced an uncommon, an exceptional, tenderness for an - object boasting so little charm? She was hardly able to take that view - of the matter. All seemed unreal, indistinct and charged with dubiety. - A sudden rustling in the circumjacent vegetation startled her from her - dream, suggesting considerations of personal safety. Surveying the body - for the last time, she impelled the stiletto into a contiguous tarn and - left the scene with measured tread.</p> - - <div class="mt3 mb0"><i>From “The Recrudescence of Squollander.”</i></div> - - <p class="mt0">“Clifford,” said Isabel, earnestly yet softly, “are you sure that you - truly love me?”</p> - - <p>Clifford presented such testimony and evidence as he could command, and - requested her decision on the sufficiency of what he had advanced.</p> - - <p>“Oh, Clifford,” she said, laying her two little hands in one of - his comparatively large ones, “you have extirpated my ultimate uncertainty.” </p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_297">297</span> - <h3 id="THE_GREAT_STRIKE_OF_1895">THE GREAT STRIKE OF 1895</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">NEW YORK, July 2, 1895.—The strike of the American Authors’ - Guild continues to hold public attention. No event in the history - of trades-unionism since the great railroad strike of last year has - equaled it in interest. Nothing else is talked of here. In some parts - of the city all business is suspended and the excitement grows more - intense hourly.</p> - - <p>At about 10 o’clock this morning a non-union author attempting to enter - the premises of D. Appleton & Co. with a roll of manuscript was set - upon by a mob of strikers and beaten into insensibility. The strikers - were driven from their victim by the police, but only after a fight in - which both sides suffered severely.</p> - - <hr class="short mt2 mb2" /> - - <p><span class="smcap">New York</span>, July 3.—Rioting was renewed last night in front of - the boycotted publishing house of Charles Scribner’s Sons, 153–157 - Fifth avenue. Though frequently driven back by charges of the police, - who used their clubs freely, the striking authors succeeded in - demolishing<span class="pagenum" id="Page_298">298</span> all the front windows by stone-throwing. One shot was - fired into the interior, narrowly missing a young lady typewriter. Mr. - William D. Howells, a member of the Guild’s board of managers, declares - that he has irrefragable proof that this outrage was committed by some - one connected with the Publishers’ Protective League for the purpose of - creating public sympathy.</p> - - <p>It has been learned that the non-union author so severely beaten - yesterday died of his injuries last night. His name is said to have - been Richard Henry (or Hengist) Stoddard, formerly a member of the - Guild, but expelled for denouncing the action of President Brander - Matthews in ordering the strike.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Later.</span>—Matters look more and more threatening. A crowd of - ten thousand authors, headed by Col. Thomas Wentworth Higginson, is - reported to be marching upon the Astor Library, which is strongly - guarded by police, heavily armed. Many book-stores have been wrecked - and their contents destroyed.</p> - - <p>Mrs. Julia Ward Howe, who was shot last night while setting fire to the - establishment of Harper & Bros., cannot recover. She is delirious, and - lies on her cot in the Bellevue Hospital singing “The Battle<span class="pagenum" id="Page_299">299</span> Hymn of - the Republic.”</p> - - <hr class="short mt2 mb2" /> - - <p><span class="smcap">Boston</span>, July 3.—Industrial discontent has broken out here. The - members of the local branch of the American Authors’ Guild threw down - their pens this morning and declared that until satisfactory settlement - of novelists’ percentages should be arrived at not a hero and heroine - should live happily ever afterward in Boston. The publishing house of - Houghton, Mifflin & Co. is guarded by a detachment of Pinkerton men - armed with Winchester rifles and a Gatling gun. The publishers say that - they are getting all the manuscripts that they are able to reject, and - profess to have no apprehension as to the future. Mr. Joaquin Miller, - a non-union poet from Nevada, visiting some Indian relatives here, - was terribly beaten by a mob of strikers to-day. Mr. Miller was the - aggressor; he was calling them “sea-doves”—by which he is said to have - meant “gulls.”</p> - - <hr class="short mt2 mb2" /> - - <p><span class="smcap">Chicago</span>, July 3.—The authors’ strike is assuming alarming - dimensions and is almost beyond control by the police. The Mayor - is strongly urged to ask for assistance from the militia, but the - strikers<span class="pagenum" id="Page_300">300</span> profess to have no fear of his doing so. They say that he was - once an author himself, and is in sympathy with them. He wrote “The - Beautiful Snow.” In the mean time a mob of strikers numbering not fewer - than one thousand men, women and children, headed by such determined - labor leaders as Percival Pollard and Hamlin Garland, are parading - the streets and defying the authorities. A striker named Opie Reed, - arrested yesterday for complicity in the assassination of Mr. Stone, of - the publishing firm of Stone & Kimball, was released by this mob from - the officers that had him in custody. Mr. Pollard publishes a letter in - the <i>Herald</i> this morning saying that Mr. Stone was assassinated - by an emissary of the Publishers’ Protective League to create public - sympathy, and strongly hints that the assassin is the head of the house - of McClurg & Co.</p> - - <hr class="short mt2 mb2" /> - - <p><span class="smcap">New York</span>, July 4.—All arrangements for celebrating the - birthday of American independence are “off.” The city is fearfully - excited, and scenes of violence occur hourly. Macmillan & Co.’s - establishment was burned last night, and four lives were lost in - the flames. The loss of property is variously estimated. All the - publishing<span class="pagenum" id="Page_301">301</span> houses are guarded by the militia, and it is said that - Government troops will land this afternoon to protect the United - States mails carrying the manuscripts of strike-breaking authors, - in transit to publishers. The destruction of the Astor Library and - the Cooper Union and the closing of all the book-stores that escaped - demolition in yesterday’s rioting have caused sharp public distress. - No similar book-famine has ever been known in this city. Novel-readers - particularly, their needs being so imperative, are suffering severely, - and unless relieved soon will leave the metropolis. While beating a - noisy person named E. W. Townsend last night, one Richard Harding - Davis had the misfortune to break two of his fingers. He said Townsend - was a strike-breaker and had given information to the police, but it - turns out that he is a zealous striker, and was haranguing the mob at - the time of the assault. His audience of rioting authors, all of whom - belonged to the War Story branch of the Guild, mistook Mr. Davis for - an officer of the peace and ran away. Mr. Townsend, who cannot recover - and apparently does not wish to, is said to be the author of a popular - book called <i>The Chimney Fadder</i>. Advices from Boston relate the - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_302">302</span>death of a Pinkerton spy named T. B. Aldrich, who attempted to run - the gauntlet of union pickets and enter the premises of The Arena - Publishing Company, escorting Walter Blackburn Harte. Mr. Harte was - rescued by the police and sailed at once for England.</p> - - <hr class="short mt2 mb2" /> - - <p><span class="smcap">Philadelphia</span>, July 5.—A mob of striking authors attacked the - publishing house of J. B. Lippincott & Co. this morning and were fired - on by the militia. Twenty are known to have been killed outright—the - largest number of writers ever immortalized at one time.</p> - - <hr class="short mt2 mb2" /> - - <p><span class="smcap">New York</span>, July 5.—In an interview yesterday Mrs. Louise - Chandler Moulton, treasurer of the Guild, said that notwithstanding - the heavy expense of maintaining needy strikers with dependent - families, there would be no lack of funds to carry on the fight. - Contributions are received daily from sympathetic trades. Sixty dollars - have been sent in by the Confederated Undertakers and forty-five by - the Association of Opium-Workers. President Brander Matthews has - telegraphed to all the Guild’s branches in other cities that they<span class="pagenum" id="Page_303">303</span> can - beat the game if they will stand pat.</p> - - <hr class="short mt2 mb2" /> - - <p><span class="smcap">New York</span>, July 6.—Sympathy strikes are the order of the day, - and “risings” are reported everywhere. In this city the entire East - Side is up and out. Shantytown, Ballyspalpeen, Goatville and Niggernest - are in line. Among those killed in yesterday’s conflict with the United - States troops at Madison-square was Mark Twain, who fell while cheering - on a large force of women of the town. He was shot all to rags, so as - to be hardly distinguishable from a human being.</p> - - <hr class="short mt2 mb2" /> - - <p><span class="smcap">Chicago</span>, July 7.—John Vance Cheney was arrested at 3 o’clock - this morning while placing a dynamite bomb on the Clark-street bridge. - He is believed to have entertained the design, also, of setting the - river on fire. Two publishers were shot this morning by General Lew - Wallace, who escaped in the confusion of the incident. The victims were - employed as accountants in the Methodist Book Concern.</p> - - <hr class="short mt2 mb2" /> - - <p><span class="smcap">New York</span>, July 8.—The authors’ strike has collapsed, and the - strikers are seeking employment as waiters in <span class="pagenum" id="Page_304">304</span>the places made vacant - by the lockout of the Restaurant Trust. The Publishers’ Protective - League declares that no author concerned in the strike will ever again - see his name upon a title-page. The American Authors’ Guild is a thing - of the past. Arrests are being made every hour. As soon as he can - procure bail, President Brander Matthews will go upon the vaudeville stage.</p> - - <p class="small mt0">1894.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_305">305</span> - <h3 id="A_THUMB_NAIL_SKETCH">A THUMB-NAIL SKETCH</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">MANY years ago I lived in Oakland, California. One day as I lounged in - my lodging there was a gentle, hesitating rap at the door and, opening - it, I found a young man, the youngest young man, it seemed to me, that - I had ever confronted. His appearance, his attitude, his manner, his - entire personality suggested extreme diffidence. I did not ask him in, - instate him in my better chair (I had two) and inquire how we could - serve each other. If my memory is not at fault I merely said: “Well,” - and awaited the result.</p> - - <p>“I am from the San Francisco <i>Examiner</i>,” he explained in a voice - like the fragrance of violets made audible, and backed a little away.</p> - - <p>“O,” I said, “you come from Mr. Hearst.”</p> - - <p>Then that unearthly child lifted its blue eyes and cooed: “I am Mr. Hearst.”</p> - - <p>His father had given him a daily newspaper and he had come to hire - me to write for it. Twenty years of what his newspapers call “wage - slavery” ensued, and although I had many a fight with his editors - for my right to my self-respect, I <span class="pagenum" id="Page_306">306</span>cannot say that I ever found Mr. - Hearst’s chain a very heavy burden, though indubitably I suffered - somewhat in social repute for wearing it.</p> - - <p>If ever two men were born to be enemies he and I are they. Each stands - for everything that is most disagreeable to the other, yet we never - clashed. I never had the honor of his friendship and confidence, never - was “employed about his person,” and seldom entered the editorial - offices of his newspapers. He did not once direct nor request me to - write an opinion that I did not hold, and only two or three times - suggested that I refrain for a season from expressing opinions that - I did hold, when they were antagonistic to the policy of the paper, - as they commonly were. During several weeks of a great labor strike - in California, when mobs of ruffians stopped all railway trains, - held the state capital and burned, plundered and murdered at will, - he “laid me off,” continuing, of course, my salary; and some years - later, when striking employees of street railways were devastating St. - Louis, pursuing women through the street and stripping them naked, he - suggested that I “let up on that labor crowd.” No other instances of - “capitalistic arrogance” occur to memory. I do not know that any <span class="pagenum" id="Page_307">307</span>of - his other writers enjoyed a similar liberty, or would have enjoyed it - if they had had it. Most of them, indeed, seemed to think it honorable - to write anything that they were expected to.</p> - - <p>As to Mr. Hearst’s own public writings, I fancy there are none: he - could not write an advertisement for a lost dog. The articles that he - signs and the speeches that he makes—well, if a man of brains is one - who knows how to use the brains of others this amusing demagogue is - nobody’s dunce.</p> - - <p>If asked to justify my long service to journals with whose policies I - was not in agreement and whose character I loathed I should confess - that possibly the easy nature of the service had something to do with - it. As to the point of honor (as that is understood in the profession) - the editors and managers always assured me that there was commercial - profit in employing my rebellious pen; and I—O well, I persuaded myself - that I could do most good by addressing those who had greatest need of - me—the millions of readers to whom Mr. Hearst was a misleading light. - Perhaps this was an erroneous view of the matter; anyhow I am not - sorry that, discovering no preservative allowable under the pure food - law that would enable <span class="pagenum" id="Page_308">308</span>him to keep his word overnight, I withdrew, - and can now, without impropriety, speak my mind of him as freely as - his generosity, sagacity or indifference once enabled me to do of his - political and industrial doctrines, in his own papers.</p> - - <p>In illustration of some of the better features of this man’s strange - and complex character let this incident suffice. Soon after the - assassination of Governor Goebel of Kentucky—which seemed to me a - particularly perilous “precedent” if unpunished—I wrote for one of Mr. - Hearst’s New York newspapers the following prophetic lines:</p> - - <div class="center-container"> - <div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">The bullet that pierced Goebel’s breast</div> - <div class="i0">Can not be found in all the West.</div> - <div class="i0">Good reason: it is speeding here</div> - <div class="i0">To stretch McKinley on the bier.</div> - </div> - </div> - </div> - - <p>The lines took no attention, naturally, but twenty months afterward the - President was shot by Czolgosz. Every one remembers what happened then - to Mr. Hearst and his newspapers. His political enemies and business - competitors were alert to their opportunity. The verses, variously - garbled but mostly made into an editorial, or a news dispatch with a - Washington date-line but usually no date, were published all<span class="pagenum" id="Page_309">309</span> over - the country as evidence of Mr. Hearst’s complicity in the crime. As - such they adorned the editorial columns of the New York <i>Sun</i> and - blazed upon a bill-board in front of Tammany Hall. So fierce was the - popular flame to which they were the main fuel that thousands of copies - of the Hearst papers were torn from the hands of newsboys and burned - in the streets. Much of their advertising was withdrawn from them. - Emissaries of the <i>Sun</i> overran the entire country persuading - clubs, libraries and other patriotic bodies to exclude them from the - files. There was even an attempt made to induce Czolgosz to testify - that he had been incited to his crime by reading them—ten thousand - dollars for his family to be his reward; but this cheerful scheme was - blocked by the trial judge, who had been informed of it. During all - this carnival of sin I lay ill in Washington, unaware of it; and my - name, although appended to all that I wrote, including the verses, was - not, I am told, once mentioned. As to Mr. Hearst, I dare say he first - saw the lines when all this hullabaloo directed his attention to them.</p> - - <p>With the occurrences here related the incident was not exhausted. When - Mr. Hearst was making his grotesque canvass for<span class="pagenum" id="Page_310">310</span> the Governorship of - New York the Roosevelt Administration sent Secretary Root into the - state to beat him. This high-minded gentleman incorporated one of the - garbled prose versions of my prophecy into his speeches with notable - effect and great satisfaction to his conscience. Still, I am steadfast - in the conviction that God sees him; and if any one thinks that Mr. - Root will not go to the devil it must be the devil himself, in whom, - doubtless, the wish is father to the thought.</p> - - <p>Hearst’s newspapers had always been so unjust that no injustice could - be done to them, and had been incredibly rancorous toward McKinley, but - no doubt it was my luckless prophecy that cost him tens of thousands of - dollars and a growing political prestige. For anything that I know (or - care) they may have cost him his election. I have never mentioned the - matter to him, nor—and this is what I have been coming to—has he ever - mentioned it to me. I fancy there must be a human side to a man like - that, even if he is a mischievous demagogue.</p> - - <p>In matters of “industrial discontent” it has always been a standing - order in the editorial offices of the Hearst newspapers to “take the - side of the strikers”<span class="pagenum" id="Page_311">311</span> without inquiry or delay. Until the great - publicist was bitten by political ambition and began to figure as a - crazy candidate for office not a word of warning or rebuke to murderous - mobs ever appeared in any column of his papers, except my own. A - typical instance of the falsification of news to serve a foul purpose - may be cited here. In Pennsylvania, a ferocious mob of foreign miners - armed with bludgeons marched upon the property of their employers, - to destroy it, incidentally chasing out of their houses all the - English-speaking residents along the way and clubbing all that they - could catch. Arriving at the “works,” they were confronted by a squad - of deputy marshals, and while engaged in murdering the sheriff, who - had stepped forward to read the riot act, were fired on and a couple - of dozen of them killed. Naturally, the deputy marshals were put on - trial for their lives. Mr. Hearst sent my good friend Julius Chambers - to report the court proceedings. Day after day he reported at great - length the testimony (translated) of the saints and angels who had - suffered the mischance “while peacefully parading on a public road.” - Then Mr. Chambers was ordered away and not a word of testimony for the - defence (all in English), ever appeared<span class="pagenum" id="Page_312">312</span> in the paper. Instances of - such fair-mindedness as this could be multiplied by the thousand, but - all, I charitably trust, have been recorded Elsewhere in a more notable - Book than mine.</p> - - <p>Never just, Mr. Hearst is always generous. He is not swift to redress - a grievance of one of his employees against another, but he is likely - to give the complainant a cottage, a steam launch, or a roll of bank - notes, if that person happens to be the kind of man to accept it, - and he commonly is. As to discharging anybody for inefficiency or - dishonesty—no, indeed, not so long as there is a higher place for him. - His notion of removal is promotion.</p> - - <p>He once really did dismiss a managing editor, but in a few months the - fellow was back in his old place. I ventured to express surprise. “Oh, - that’s all right,” Mr. Hearst explained. “I have a new understanding - with him. He is to steal only small sums hereafter; the large ones are - to come to me.”</p> - - <p>In that incident we observe two dominant features in his character—his - indifference to money and his marvelous sense of humor. He who should - apprehend danger to public property from Mr. Hearst’s elevation to high - office would err. The<span class="pagenum" id="Page_313">313</span> money to which he is indifferent includes that - of others, and he smiles at his own expense.</p> - - <p>If there is a capable working newspaper man in this country who has - not, <i>malgre lui</i>, a kindly feeling for Mr. Hearst, he needs - the light. I do not know how it is elsewhere, but in San Francisco - and New York Mr. Hearst’s habit of having the cleverest (not, alas - the most conscientious) obtainable men, no matter what he had to pay - them, advanced the salaries of all such men more than fifty per cent. - Possibly these have receded, and possibly the high average ability of - his men has receded too—I don’t know; but indubitably he did get the - brightest men.</p> - - <p>Some of them, I grieve to say, were imperfectly appreciative of their - employer’s gentle sway. At one time on the <i>Examiner</i> it was - customary, when a reporter had a disagreeable assignment, for him to go - away for a few days, then return and plead intoxication. That excused - him. They used to tell of one clever fellow in whose behalf this plea - was entered while he was still absent from duty. An hour afterward Mr. - Hearst met him and, seeing that he was cold sober, reproved him for - deceit. On the scamp’s assurance that he had honestly intended <span class="pagenum" id="Page_314">314</span>to - be drunk, but lacked the price, Mr. Hearst gave him enough money to - re-establish his character for veracity and passed on.</p> - - <p>I fancy things have changed a bit now, and that Mr. Hearst has changed - with them. He is older and graver, is no longer immune to ambition, - and may have discovered that good-fellowship with his subordinates - and gratification of his lone humor are not profitable in business - and politics. Doubtless too, he has learned from observation of his - entourage of sycophants and self-seekers that generosity and gratitude - are virtues that have not a speaking acquaintance. It is worth - something to learn that, and it costs something.</p> - - <p>With many amiable and alluring qualities, among which is, or used to - be, a personal modesty amounting to bashfulness, the man has not a - friend in the world. Nor does he merit one, for, either congenitally - or by induced perversity, he is inaccessible to the conception of an - unselfish attachment or a disinterested motive. Silent and smiling, - he moves among men, the loneliest man. Nobody but God loves him and - he knows it; and God’s love he values only in so far as he fancies - that it may promote his amusing ambition to darken the door of the - White House.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_315">315</span> As to that, I think that he would be about the kind of - President that the country—daft with democracy and sick with sin—is - beginning to deserve.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_316">316</span> - <h3 id="MORTALITY_IN_THE_FOOT_HILLS">MORTALITY IN THE FOOT-HILLS<a id="FNanchor_1" href="#Footnote_1" class="fnanchor">[*]</a></h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">A LITTLE bit of romance has just transpired to relieve the monotony of - our metropolitan life. Old Sam Choggins, whom the editor of this paper - has so often publicly thrashed, has returned from Mud Springs with a - young wife. He is said to be very fond of her, and the way he came to - get her was this:</p> - - <p>Some time ago we courted her, but finding she was “on the make” we - threw off on her after shooting her brother. She vowed revenge and - promised to marry any man who would horse-whip us. This Sam agreed to - undertake, and she married him on that promise.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_317">317</span></p> - - <p>We shall call on Sam to-morrow with our new shotgun and present our - congratulations in the usual form.—<i>Hangtown “Gibbet.”</i></p> - - <div class="clear center"> - •<span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span> - </div> - - <p>The purposeless old party with a boiled shirt who has for some days - been loafing about the town peddling hymn-books at a merely nominal - price (a clear proof that he stole them) has been disposed of in a - cheap and satisfactory manner. His lode petered out about six o’clock - yesterday afternoon, our evening edition being delayed until that time - by request. The cause of his death, as nearly as could be ascertained - by a single physician—Dr. Duffer being too drunk to attend—was Whisky - Sam, who, it will be remembered, delivered a lecture some weeks ago, - entitled “Dan’l in the Lions’ Den; and How They’d a-Et Him If He’d Ever - Been Thar”—in which he overthrew revealed religion.</p> - - <p>His course yesterday proves that he can act, as well as talk.—<i>Devil - Gully “Expositor.”</i></p> - - <div class="clear center"> - •<span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span> - </div> - - <p>There was considerable excitement in the street yesterday, owing to - the arrival of Bust-Head Dave, formerly of this place, who came over - from Pudding Springs. He was met at the hotel by Sheriff Knogg,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_318">318</span> who - leaves a large family. Dave walked down to the bridge, and it reminded - one of old times to see the people go away as he heaved in view, for - he had made a threat (first published in this paper) to clean out the - town. Before leaving the place Dave called at our office to settle for - a year’s subscription (invariably in advance) and was informed through - a chink in the logs, that he might leave his dust in the tin cup at the - well. Dave is looking much larger than at his last visit, just previous - to the funeral of Judge Dawson. He left for Injun Hill at five o’clock - amidst a good deal of shooting at rather long range. There will be an - election for Sheriff as soon as a stranger can be found who will accept - the honor.—<i>Yankee Flat “Advertiser.”</i></p> - - <div class="clear center"> - •<span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span> - </div> - - <p>It is to be hoped the people will turn out to-morrow, according to - advertisement in another column. The men deserve hanging, no end, but - at the same time they are human and entitled to some respect; and - we shall print the name of every adult male who does not grace the - occasion with his presence. We make this announcement simply because - there have been some indications of apathy; and any man who will stay - away <span class="pagenum" id="Page_319">319</span>when Bob Bolton and Sam Buxter are to be hanged is probably - either an accomplice or a relation. Old Blanket-Mouth Dick was not the - only blood relation these fellows had in this vicinity; and the fate - that befell him when they could not be found ought to be a warning to - the rest.</p> - - <p>The bar is just in rear of the gibbet and will be run by a brother - of ours. Gentlemen who shrink from publicity will patronize that - bar.—<i>San Louis Jones “Gazette.”</i></p> - - <div class="clear center"> - •<span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span> - </div> - - <p>A painful accident occurred in Frog Gulch yesterday which has cast a - good deal of gloom over a hitherto joyous community. Dan Spigger—or, as - he was familiarly called, Murderer Dan—got drunk at his usual hour and, - as is his custom, took down his gun and started after the fellow who - went home with Dan’s girl the night before. He found him at breakfast - with his wife and children. After dispersing them he started out to - return, but, being weary, stumbled and broke his leg. Dr. Bill Croft - found him in that condition and, having no wagon at hand to convey - him to town, shot him to put him out of his misery. His loss is a - Democratic gain. He seldom disagreed with any but Democrats and would - have materially reduced the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_320">320</span> vote of that party had he not been so - untimely cut off.—<i>Jackass Gap “Bulletin.”</i></p> - - <div class="clear center"> - •<span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span> - </div> - - <p>The dance-house at the corner of Moll Duncan street and Fish-Trap - avenue has been broken up. Our friend the editor of <i>The Jamboree</i> - succeeded in getting his cock-eyed sister in there as a beer-slinger - and the hurdy-gurdy girls all swore they would not stand her society. - They got up and got. The light fantastic toe is not tripped there any - more, except when the <i>Jamboree</i> man sneaks in and dances a jig - for his morning pizen.—<i>Murderburg “Herald.”</i></p> - - <div class="clear center"> - •<span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span> - </div> - - <p>The superintendent of the Mag Davis mine requests us to state that the - custom of pitching Chinamen and Injins down the shaft will have to be - stopped, as he has resumed work in the mine. The old well back of Jo - Bowman’s is just as good, and more centrally located.—<i>New Jerusalem “Courier.”</i></p> - - <div class="clear center"> - •<span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span> - </div> - - <p>There is a fellow in town who claims to be the man that killed Sheriff - White some months ago. We consider him an impostor seeking admission - into society above his level, and hope people will<span class="pagenum" id="Page_321">321</span> stop inviting him - to their houses.—<i>Nigger Hill “Patriot.”</i></p> - - <div class="clear center"> - •<span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span> - </div> - - <p>A stranger wearing a stovepipe hat arrived in town yesterday, putting - up at the Nugget House. The boys are having a good time with that hat - this morning. The funeral will take place at two o’clock.—<i>Spanish - Camp “Flag.”</i></p> - - <div class="clear center"> - •<span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span> - </div> - - <p>The scoundrel who upset our office last month will be hung to-morrow - and no paper will be issued the next day.—“<i>Sierra Firecracker.</i>”</p> - - <div class="clear center"> - •<span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span> - </div> - - <p>The old gray-headed party who lost his life last Friday at the jeweled - hands of our wife deserves more than a passing notice at ours. He came - to this city last summer and started a weekly Methodist prayer-meeting, - but being warned by the police, who was formerly a Presbyterian, gave - up the swindle. He afterward undertook to introduce Bibles and, it is - said, on one occasion attempted to preach. This was a little too much - and at our suggestion he was tarred and feathered.</p> - - <p>For a time this treatment seemed to work a reform, but the heart of a - Methodist is above all things deceitful <span class="pagenum" id="Page_322">322</span>and desperately wicked: he - was soon after caught in the very act of presenting a hymnbook to old - Ben Spoffer’s youngest daughter, Ragged Moll. The vigilance committee - <i>pro tem.</i> waited on him, when he was decently shot and left for - dead, as was recorded in this paper, with an obituary notice for which - we have never received a cent. Last Friday, however, he was discovered - sneaking into the potato patch connected with this paper and our wife, - God bless her! got an axe and finished him then and there.</p> - - <p>His name was John Bucknor and it is reported (we do not know with how - much truth) that at one time there was an improper intimacy between - him and the lady who despatched him. If so, we pity Sal.—<i>Coyote “Trapper.”</i></p> - - <div class="clear center"> - •<span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span> - </div> - - <p>Our readers may have noticed in yesterday’s issue an editorial article - in which we charged Judge Black with having murdered his father, - beaten his wife and stolen seven mules from Jo Gorman. The facts are - substantially as stated, but somewhat different. The killing was done - by a Dutchman named Moriarty and the bruises that we happened to see - on the face of the Judge’s wife were caused by a fall, she being, - doubtless,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_323">323</span> drunk at the time. The mules had only strayed into the - mountains and have returned all right.</p> - - <p>We consider the Judge’s anger at so trifling an error very ridiculous - and insulting and if he comes to town he will not come again. An - independent press is not to be muzzled by any absurd old duffer with - a crooked nose and a sister who is considerably more mother than - wife. Not so long as we have our usual success in thinning out the - judiciary.—<i>Lone Tree “Sockdologer.”</i></p> - - <div class="clear center"> - •<span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span> - </div> - - <p>Yesterday as Job Wheeler was returning from a clean-up at the - Buttermilk Flume he stopped at Hell Tunnel to have a chat with the - boys. John Tooley took a fancy to Job’s watch and asked for it. Being - refused, he slipped away, and going to Job’s shanty, killed his three - half-breed children and a valuable pig. This is the third time John - has played some scurvy trick, and it is about time the superintendent - discharged him. There is entirely too much of this practical joking - amongst the boys. It will lead to trouble yet.—<i>Nugget Hill “Pickaxe - of Freedom.”</i></p> - - <div class="clear center"> - •<span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span> - </div> - - <p>The stranger from Frisco, with the clawhammer coat, who put up at the - Gage House last Thursday, and was looking<span class="pagenum" id="Page_324">324</span> for a chance to invest, - was robbed of three hundred ounces of clean dust. We know who did it, - but don’t be frightened, John Lowry; we’ll never tell, though we are - awful hard up, owing to our subscribers going back on us.—<i>Choketown “Rocker.”</i></p> - - <div class="clear center"> - •<span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span> - </div> - - <p>The railroad from this city northwest will be commenced as soon as the - citizens get tired of admonishing the Chinamen brought up to do the - work, which will probably be within three or four weeks. The carcasses - are accumulating about town and begin to be unpleasant.—<i>Gravel Hill “Thunderbolt.”</i></p> - - <div class="clear center"> - •<span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span> - </div> - - <p>The man who was shot last week at the Gulch will be buried next - Thursday. He is not dead yet, but his physician wishes to visit a - mother-in-law at Lard Springs and is therefore very anxious to get the - case off his hands. The undertaker describes the patient as the longest - cuss in that section.—<i>Santa Peggy “Times.”</i></p> - - <div class="clear center"> - •<span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span><span class="col2">•</span> - </div> - - <p>There is some dispute about land titles at Little Bilk Bar. About - half a dozen cases were temporarily decided on Wednesday, but it is - supposed the widows<span class="pagenum" id="Page_325">325</span> will renew the litigation. The only proper way to - prevent these vexatious lawsuits is to hang the judge of the county - court.—<i>Cow-County “Outcropper.”</i> </p> - - <div class="footnote"> - <a id="Footnote_1" href="#FNanchor_1" class="label">[*]</a> Under another title, these paragraphs may be found - in a foolish book called <i>The Fiend’s Delight</i>, published in - London in 1872 by John Camden Hotten. They had appeared in the San - Francisco <i>Newsletter</i> two or three years before—an illuminating - contribution to a current medical discussion of an uncommonly high - death-rate in certain mining towns. Their pedigree is given here by - way of assisting that original humorist, Mr. Charles B. Lewis, in - any further explanations that he may make as to how and when he was - inspired by Heaven to write his famous <i>Arizona Kicker</i>.</div> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_326">326</span> - <h3 id="THE_A_L_C_B">THE A. L. C. B.</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">A SOCIETY of which I am the proud and happy founder is the American - League for the Circumvention of Bores. With a view to enlisting the - reader’s interest and favor and obtaining his initiation fee, I beg - leave to expound the ends and methods of the order.</p> - - <p>The League purposes to work within the law: Bores can be circumvented - by killing; which may be called the circumvention direct; but for - every Bore that is killed arises a swarm of Bores (reporters, lawyers, - jurors, etc.) whom one is unable to kill. The League plan is humane, - simple, ingenious and effective. It leaves the Bore alive, to suffer - the lasting torments of his own esteem.</p> - - <p>The American League for the Circumvention of Bores has the customary - machinery of grips, pass-words, signs, a goat, solemn ceremonials and - mystic hoodooing; but for practical use it employs only the Signal of - Eminent Distress, to preservation of the secret whereof members are - bound by the most horrible oath known to the annals of juration. It is - a law that any member duly<span class="pagenum" id="Page_327">327</span> convicted in the secret tribunals of the - League of failing promptly to respond to the Signal of Eminent Distress - shall suffer evisceration through the nose.</p> - - <p>The plan works this way: I am, say, on a ferry-boat. Carelessly - glancing about, I see—yes, it must have been—ah! again: the Signal - of Eminent Distress! A Brother of the League is <i>in articulo - mortis</i>—the demon hath him—the beak of the Bore is crimson in his - heart! I go to the rescue, choosing, according to my judgment and tact, - one of the Ten Thousand Forms of Benign Relief which I have memorized - from the Ritual.</p> - - <p>“Ah, my dear fellow,” I perhaps say to the victim, whom I may never - have seen before, “I have been looking all over the boat for you. - I must have a word with you on a most important matter if your - friend”—looking at the baffled Bore who has been talking into him—“will - have the goodness to excuse you.”</p> - - <p>Possibly, though, I say to the signaling victim: “Sir, pardon me, but - is not your name—?”</p> - - <p>“Jonesmith,” he replies, coldly; “may I ask—?” </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_328">328</span></p> - - <p>“Ah, yes; I hope you will not think me intrusive, but a gentleman on - the lower deck, who says he is your uncle, has fallen and broken his - neck.”</p> - - <p>As Mr. Jonesmith with a grateful look moves off, the Bore, full of - solicitude, starts to follow for assistance and condolence. I lay my - hand on his arm. “Pardon, sir; the physician prescribes absolute quiet: - the splendor, charm and vivacity of your conversation would unduly - excite the patient.”</p> - - <p>Before the wretch can round-up his faculties the Brother in Distress - has escaped and I am walking away with the 368th Aspect of Superb - Unconcern, as laid down in the Ritual.</p> - - <p>The League has been in existence in New York city for about six months. - There is a younger branch at Hohokus, and another is forming at Podunk. - I am the Supreme Imperial Inimitable, though every member has high rank - and office. Applications for membership must be made personally to the - Grand Dictatorial Caboodle, which will judge whether the applicant is - himself a Bore.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_329">329</span> - <h3 id="TWO_CONVERSATIONS">TWO CONVERSATIONS</h3> - </div> - - <h4>I</h4> - - <p class="drop-cap">CANDID PUBLISHER.—Sir, I am proud to meet you. Your book is - admirable; it is exquisitely touching and beautiful.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Reasonable Author.</span>—Your commendation is most pleasing to me. I - was at no time in doubt of your favorable action in the matter.</p> - - <p>C. P.—You did not hear me out. Publication of a book entails a - considerable expense.</p> - - <p>R. A.—Naturally.</p> - - <p>C. P.—The money does not always come back.</p> - - <p>R. A.—I have been so informed. Publishers sometimes accept work that is - very bad literature.</p> - - <p>C. P.—Yes, we try to.</p> - - <p>R. A.—Try to? You cannot mean that you prefer such work.</p> - - <p>C. P.—We must publish what will sell. Do you read the most popular - books of the year—the “best-selling” novels?—nearly all “best sellers” - are novels.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_330">330</span></p> - - <p>R. A.—God forbid! I sometimes look at them.</p> - - <p>C. P.—Do you ever find <i>one</i> that has any literary merit?</p> - - <p>R. A.—Certainly not. I did not expect my book to be popular, but hoped - that it might have a steady and perhaps increasing sale and eventually - become famous. You sometimes publish new editions of the great works in - our language—“the English classics.” Do you lose money by them?</p> - - <p>C. P.—Not usually. They have had the advantage of generations of - advertising by scholars and by critics whose words had weight in their - time and have in ours. If your excellent book finds a publisher pretty - soon and is kept going until the year 2100, we shall be glad to put it - on our list. You see it is very simple: you have only to conform to the - conditions of success.</p> - - <p>R. A.—I see. But are these the only conditions? Some great work - succeeds in its author’s time—that of Tennyson, Thackeray, Dickens, - Carlyle, and so forth, in England; and in America that of—m, er, huh.</p> - - <p>C. P.—Is it surely great work? The ink is hardly dry. The literary - fashions determining its form and substance<span class="pagenum" id="Page_331">331</span> are still with us. - Posterity will have to pass judgment upon it, which posterity will - indubitably do without reference to our view of the matter. Then, if - you and I happen to be in communication with this vale of tears we - shall know if these noted authors were mining the great mother-lode of - human interest, or, occasionally touching some of its dips, spurs and - angles, taking out barren rock. It looks to us like a rich enough ore, - but it is a long journey to where there is an assaying-plant capable of - dealing with that particular product. When it is “heard from” we shall - not be here. Those who mined it are gone already.</p> - - <p>R. A.—Then there can be no valuable contemporary criticism?</p> - - <p>C. P.—None that any one can know to be valuable.</p> - - <p>R. A.—And no man can live long enough to know if he is a good writer?</p> - - <p>C. P.—The trade of writing has that disadvantage.</p> - - <p>R. A.—We are getting a long way from business. Am I to understand that - you reject my book because, as you say, “it is exquisitely touching and - beautiful”? </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_332">332</span></p> - - <p>C. P.—You outline the painful situation with accuracy.</p> - - <p>R. A.—Well, I’ll be damned!</p> - - <p>C. P.—Sure!—if you find a sentimentalist who will publish your book. He - will do the damning.</p> - - <h4>II</h4> - - <p><span class="smcap">Editor.</span>—Glad to see you, sir. Take a chair.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Visitor.</span>—I am the proprietor of <i>The Prosperous Monthly</i>.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ed.</span>—Take two chairs.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Vis.</span>—I called to congratulate you on the extraordinary success - of <i>The Waste Basket</i>. I should not have thought it possible for - you to break into our field and play this game as well as we. And with - so fantastic a title!</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ed.</span>—For my success I am greatly indebted to yourself.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Vis.</span>—Not if I know it: we have fought you, tooth and nail.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ed.</span>—Oh, that is all right; if it had been expedient we should - have fought back. Our prosperity depended on yours.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Vis.</span>—Heaven has withheld from me the intelligence to - understand.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_333">333</span></p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ed.</span>—Have any of the contents of this magazine ever seemed - familiar to you?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Vis.</span>—I am not much of a reader; my editor has fancied that - some of your articles lacked originality, but has confessed that he - could not quite identify their authors.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ed.</span>—Just so; I accept nothing for my magazine that has not - been first submitted to yours. If it has not been when offered, I - require that to be done.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Vis.</span>—That is monstrous nice of you. Such knightly courtesy to - a senior competitor is most unusual. I thank you—come and dine with me - to-morrow at seven (<i>handing card</i>).</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ed.</span>—With pleasure. Good day.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Vis.</span>—Good day. (<i>Exit Visitor.</i>)</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ed.</span> (<i>solus</i>).—If he thinks it out, I shall miss a - dinner.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_334">334</span> - <h3 id="A_STORY_AT_THE_CLUB">A STORY AT THE CLUB</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">“DO you believe that?” said Dr. Dutton, passing a newspaper across the - table to Will Brady and taking needless pains to point out “that” with - his thumb. Brady read the discredited paragraph. It was as follows:</p> - - <blockquote class="clear"> - <p>Mr. John Doane, of Peequeegan, Maine, has received seven hundred - and fifty thousand dollars from the estate of an old man whom he - protected from the abuse of a rowdy fifteen years ago, and whom - he never afterward saw nor heard from. In the will the old man - apologized for the smallness of the bequest, explaining that it was - all that he had.</p> - </blockquote> - - <p>“Believe it?” said Brady; “I know it to be true. I was myself the—”</p> - - <p>He paused to think.</p> - - <p>“Now, how the devil,” said Dutton, “can you ring yourself into - <i>that</i> story? You are not John Doane, and you certainly are not - the late old man.” - </p> - - <p>“I was about to say,” resumed Brady, composedly, “that I was myself the - legatee in a somewhat similar case. In the year—”</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_335">335</span></p> - - <p>“Waiter,” said Dutton, “bring me twelve cigars, three bottles of - champagne and, at daylight, a cup of powerful coffee. When the fellows - come in from the theater ask them not to come into this room—say - there’s a man in here who is engaged in being murdered.”</p> - - <p>“In the year 1892,” Mr. Brady went on to say, “I was living in Peoria, - Illinois. One night while walking along the railroad track just outside - of town I saw a man making the most violent exertions to release - himself from the 'frog’ of a switch, into which he had incautiously - wedged the heel of his shoe. He was steaming with perspiration and - the look of agony on his face was worth a long walk to see. You - have probably seen such a look on the countenance of many a patient - undergoing the operation of receiving your bill. The express train was - due in two minutes, and we had not so much as a match to signal it - with—the night was tar-dark.”</p> - - <p>“The look of agony, I suppose, shone by its own inherent light.”</p> - - <p>“The man was facing away from the approaching train—the thunder of - which was now audible between his groans and cries. Just in the nick - of time I stepped up to him and introducing myself <span class="pagenum" id="Page_336">336</span>begged pardon for - the intrusion and suggested that he unlace his shoe and remove his foot - from it, which he did. When the train had passed he thanked me and - handed me his card. I have carried it with me ever since—here it is.”</p> - - <p>Taking out a bit of pasteboard he handed it across the table without - looking at it. It read:</p> - - <blockquote> - <p><span class="smcap fright">Oopsie.</span><span class="smcap">Dearie</span>,—I could not come: I was watched. To-morrow—same - time, at the <i>other</i> place.</p> - </blockquote> - - <p>The Doctor read the card and quietly handed it back. The story - proceeded:</p> - - <p>“A moment later the man had disappeared, but in a week or two I - received a letter from him, dated at Chicago. He said he owed his life - to me and should devote it to my service. Being childless, friendless - and heretofore without an aim or ambition, he should pass the rest of - his days in acquiring wealth, in order to testify his gratitude. It - would be a labor of love to trace me wherever I might wander—I need not - apprise him of my address, nor in any way bother myself about him. If I - survived him I would be a very rich man.</p> - - <p>“Well, sir, you may believe it or not, but if there is any name which - deserves to be held by me in high honor for truth<span class="pagenum" id="Page_337">337</span> and simple good - faith it is the name of—”</p> - - <p>“Oopsie.”</p> - - <p>Mr. Brady was visibly affected. For a moment he was fitly comparable to - nothing warmer and livelier than a snow bank under the bleak stars of a - polar midnight. The Doctor toyed absently with the ash-holder. It was a - supreme crisis. It passed.</p> - - <p>“That man died in 1901 and left me, by will, an estate valued at more - than nine hundred thousand dollars. The will was properly probated and - never contested.”</p> - - <p>“But, my dear fellow,” said Dutton, taking at last a genuine interest - in the narrative, “you never told us—nobody has ever heard of this, and - you certainly do not pass for a very rich man. Did you really get the - property?”</p> - - <p>“Alas, no,” said Brady, with a solemn shake of the head, as he rose - from the table and glanced at his watch. “It is true, just as I have - told you—on my honor: the man left me that property and all was square, - regular and legal, but I did not get a cent. The fact is, I died - first.” </p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_338">338</span> - <h3 id="THE_WIZARD_OF_BUMBASSA">THE WIZARD OF BUMBASSA</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">MR. GEORGE WESTINGHOUSE, the air-brake man, did a cruel and needless - thing in going out of his way to try to destroy humanity’s hope of - being shot along the ground at a speed of one hundred miles an hour. - There is no trouble, it appears, in building locomotives able to - snatch a small village of us through space at the required speed; - the difficulty lies in making, with sufficient promptness, those - unschedulary stops necessitated by open switches, missing bridges, - and various obstacles that industrial discontent is wont to grace - the track withal. Even on a straight line—what the civil engineers - find a pleasure in calling a tangent—the prosperous industrian at - the throttle-valve cannot reasonably be expected to discern these - hindrances at a greater distance than one thousand feet; and Mr. - Westinghouse sadly confessed that in that distance his most effective - appliance could not do more than reduce the rate from one hundred miles - an hour to fifty—an obviously inadequate reduction. He held out no hope - of being able to evolve<span class="pagenum" id="Page_339">339</span> from his inner consciousness either a brake of - superior effectiveness or a pair of spectacles that would enable the - engine driver to discover a more distant danger on a tangent, or to see - round a curve.</p> - - <p>All this begets an intelligent dejection. If we must renounce our - golden dream of cannonading ourselves from place to place with a - celerity suitable to our rank in the world’s <i>fauna</i>—comprising - the shark, the hummingbird, the hornet and the jackass - rabbit—civilization is indeed a failure. But it is forbidden to - the wicked pessimist to rejoice, for there is a greater than Mr. - Westinghouse and he has demonstrated his ability to bring to a dead - stop within its own length any railway train, however short and - whatever its rate of speed. It were unwise though, to indulge too - high a hope in this matter, even if the gloomy vaticinations of the - Westinghouse person are fallacious. Approaching an evidence of social - unrest at a speed of one and two-thirds mile a minute on a down grade, - even in a train equipped by a greater than Mr. Westinghouse, may not be - an altogether pleasing performance.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_340">340</span></p> - - <p>This possibility can be best illustrated by recalling to the reader’s - memory the history of the Ghargaroo and Gallywest Railway in Bumbassa. - As is well known, the trains on that road attained a speed that had not - theretofore been dreamed of except by the illustrious projector of the - road. But the King of Bumbassa was not content: with an indifference - to the laws of dynamics which in the retrospect seems almost imperial, - he insisted upon instantaneous stoppage. To the royal demand the - clever and prudent gentleman who had devised and carried out the - enterprise responded with an invention which he assured his Majesty - would accomplish the desired end. A trial was made in the sovereign’s - presence, the coaches being loaded with his chief officers of state - and other courtiers, and it was eminently successful. The train, going - at a speed of ninety miles an hour, was brought to a dead stop within - the length of the rhinoceros-catcher and directly in front of the blue - cotton umbrella beneath which his Majesty sat to observe the result of - the test. The passengers, unfortunately, did not stop so promptly, and - were afterward scraped off the woodwork at the forward ends of the cars - and decently interred. The train-hands had all escaped by the ingenious - plan of absenting themselves from the proceedings,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_341">341</span> with the exception - of the engineer, who had thoughtfully been selected for the occasion - from among the relatives of the projector’s wife, and instructed how - to shut off the steam and apply the brake. When hosed off the several - parts of the engine he was found to have incurred a serious dispersal - of the viscera.</p> - - <p>The King’s delight at the success of the experiment was somewhat - mitigated by the reflection that if the train had been freighted with - <i>bona fide</i> travelers instead of dignitaries whom he could replace - by appointment the military resources of the state would have suffered - a considerable loss; so he commanded the projector to invent a method - of stopping the passengers and the trains simultaneously. This, after - much experiment, was done by fixing the passengers to the seats by - clamps extending across the abdomen and chest; but no provision being - made for the head, a general decapitation ensued at each stop; and - people who valued their heads preferred thereafter to travel afoot - or ostrichback, as before. It was found, moreover, that, as arrested - motion is converted into heat, the royal requirement frequently - resulted in igniting and consuming the trains—which was expensive. - </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_342">342</span></p> - - <p>These various hard conditions of railroading in Bumbassa eventually - subdued the spirits of the stockholders, drove the projector to drink - and led at last to withdrawal of the concession—whereby one of the most - promising projects for civilizing the Dark Continent was, in the words - of the Ghargaroo <i>Palladium</i> “knocked perfectly cold.”</p> - - <p>I have thought it well to recall this melancholy incident - here for its general usefulness in pointing a moral, and for - its particular application to the fascinating enterprise of a - one-hundred-miles-an-hour electric road from New York to Chicago—a road - whose trains, intending passengers are assured, will be under absolute - control of the engineers and “can be stopped at a moment’s notice.” - If I have said anything to discourage the enterprise I am sorry, but - really it is not easy to understand why anybody should wish to go from - New York to Chicago.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_343">343</span> - <h3 id="THE_FUTURE_HISTORIAN">THE FUTURE HISTORIAN</h3> - </div> - - <h4>I—<span class="smcap">The Dispersal</span></h4> - - <p class="drop-cap">SO sombre a phenomenon as the effacement of an ancient and brilliant - civilization within the lifetime of a single generation is, - fortunately, known to have occurred only once in the history of the - world. The catastrophe is not only unique in history, but all the more - notable for having befallen, not a single state overrun by powerful - barbarians, but a half of the world; and for having been effected by - a seemingly trivial agency that sprang from the civilization itself. - Indeed, it was the work of one man.</p> - - <p>Hiram Perry (or Percy) Maximus was born in the latter part of the - nineteenth century of “the Christian Era,” in Podunk, the capital of - America. Little is known of his ancestry, although Dumbleshaw affirms - on evidence not cited by him that he came of a family of pirates that - infested the waters of Lake Erie (now the desert of Gobol) as early as - “1813”—whenever that may have been.</p> - - <p>The precise nature of Hiram Perry’s invention, with its successive - improvements, is not known—probably could not <span class="pagenum" id="Page_344">344</span>now be understood. It - was called “the silent firearm”—so much we learn from fragmentary - chronicles of the period; also that it was of so small size that - it could be put into the “pocket.” (In his <i>Dictionary of - Antiquities</i> the learned Pantin-Gwocx defines “pocket” as, first, - “the main temple of the American deity;” second, “a small receptacle - worn on the person.” The latter definition is the one, doubtless, that - concerns us if the two things are not the same.) Regarding the work of - “the silent firearm” we have light in abundance. Indeed, the entire - history of the brief but bloody period between its invention and the - extinction of the Christian civilization is an unbroken record of its - fateful employment.</p> - - <p>Of course the immense armies of the time were at once supplied with - the new weapon, with results that none had foreseen. Soldiers were - thenceforth as formidable to their officers as to their enemies. It was - no longer possible to maintain discipline, for no officer dared offend, - by punishment or reprimand, one who could fatally retaliate as secretly - and securely, in the repose of camp as in the tumult of battle. In - civic affairs the deadly device was malignly active. Statesmen in - disfavor (and all were hateful to men<span class="pagenum" id="Page_345">345</span> of contrary politics) fell dead - in the forum by means invisible and inaudible. Anarchy, discarding her - noisy and imperfectly effective methods, gladly embraced the new and - safe one.</p> - - <p>In other walks of life matters were no better. Armed with the sinister - power of life and death, any evil-minded person (and most of the - ancient Caucasians appear to have been evil-minded) could gratify a - private revenge or wanton malevolence by slaying whom he would, and - nothing cried aloud the lamentable deed.</p> - - <p>So horrible was the mortality, so futile all preventive legislation, - that society was stricken with a universal panic. Cities were plundered - and abandoned; villages without villagers fell to decay; homes were - given up to bats and owls, and farms became jungles infested with wild - beasts. The people fled to the mountains, the forests, the marshes, - concealing themselves from one another in caves and thickets, and - dying from privation and exposure and diseases more dreadful than the - perils from which they had fled. When every human being distrusted and - feared every other human being solitude was esteemed the only good; and - solitude spells death. In one generation Americans<span class="pagenum" id="Page_346">346</span> and Europeans had - slunk back into the night of barbarism.</p> - - <h4>II—<span class="smcap">Rise and Fall of the Aeroplane</span></h4> - - <p>The craze for flying appears to have culminated in the year 369 Before - Smith. In that year the aëroplane (a word of unknown derivation) was - almost the sole means of travel. These flying-machines were so simple - and cheap that one who had not a spare half-hour in which to make one - could afford to purchase. The price for a one-man machine was about - two dollars—one-tenth of a gooble. Double-seated ones were of course - a little more costly. No other kinds were allowed by law, for, as was - quaintly explained by a chronicle of the period, “a man has a right to - break his own neck, and that of his wife, but not those of his children - and friends.” It had been learned by experiment that for transportation - of goods and for use in war the aëroplane was without utility. (Of - balloons, dirigible and indirigible, we hear nothing after 348 B. - S; the price of gas, controlled by a single corporation, made them impossible.)</p> - - <p>From extant fragments of Jobblecopper’s <i>History of Invention</i> it - appears that in America alone there were<span class="pagenum" id="Page_347">347</span> at one time no fewer than ten - million aëroplanes in use. In and about the great cities the air was so - crowded with them and collisions resulting in falls were so frequent - that prudent persons neither ventured to use them nor dared to go out - of cover. As a poet of the time expressed it:</p> - - <div class="center-container"> - <div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">With falling fools so thick the sky is filled</div> - <div class="i0">That wise men walk abroad but to be killed.</div> - <div class="i0">Small comfort that the fool, too, dies in falling,</div> - <div class="i0">For he’d have starved betimes in any calling.</div> - <div class="i0">The earth is spattered red with their remains:</div> - <div class="i0">Blood, flesh, bone, gristle—everything but brains.</div> - </div> - </div> - </div> - - <p>The reaction from this disagreeable state of affairs seems to have been - brought about by a combination of causes.</p> - - <p>First, the fierce animosities engendered by the perils to pedestrians - and “motorists”—a word of disputed meaning. So savage did this - hostility become that firing at aëroplanes in flight, with the newly - invented silent rifle, grew to the character of a national custom. - Dimshouck has found authority for the statement that in a single - day thirty-one aëronauts fell from the heavens into the streets of - Nebraska, the capital of Chocago, victims of popular disfavor; and a - writer of that time relates, not altogether lucidly, the finding in a - park in Ohio of the bodies of “the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_348">348</span> Wright brothers, each pierced with - bullets from hip to shoulder, the ears cut off, and without other marks - of identification.”</p> - - <p>Second in importance of these adverse conditions was the natural - disposition of the ancients to tire of whatever had engaged their - enthusiasm—the fickleness that had led to abandonment of the bicycle, - of republican government, of baseball, and of respect for women. In the - instance of the aëroplane this reaction was probably somewhat hastened - by the rifle practice mentioned.</p> - - <p>Third, invention of the electric leg. As a means of going from place to - place the ancients had from the earliest ages of history relied largely - on the wheel. Just how they applied it, not in stationary machinery, - as we do ourselves, but as an aid to locomotion, we cannot now hope - to know, for all the literature of the subject has perished; but it - was evidently a crude and clumsy device, giving a speed of less than - two hundred miles (four and a half sikliks) an hour, even on roadways - specially provided with rails for its rapid revolution. We know, too, - that wheels produced an intolerable jolting of the body, whereby - many died of a disease known as “therapeutics.” Indeed, <span class="pagenum" id="Page_349">349</span>a certain - class of persons who probably traveled faster than others came to be - called “rough riders,” and for their sufferings were compensated by - appointment to the most lucrative offices in the gift of the sovereign. - Small wonder that the men of that day hailed the aëroplane with - intemperate enthusiasm and used it with insupportable immoderation!</p> - - <p>But when the younger Eddy invented that supreme space-conquering - device, the electric leg, and within six months perfected it to - virtually what it is to-day, the necessity for flight no longer - existed. The aëroplane, ending its brief and bloody reign a discredited - and discarded toy, was “sent to the scrap-heap,” as one of our - brightest and most original modern wits has expressed it. The wheel - followed it into oblivion, whither the horse had preceded it, and - Civilization lifted her virgin fires as a dawn in Eden, and like - Cytherea leading her moonrise troop of nymphs and graces, literally - legged it o’er the land!</p> - - <h4>III—<span class="smcap">An Ancient Hunter</span></h4> - - <p>In the nineteenth century of what, in honor of Christopher Columbum, - a mythical hero, the ancients called the “Christian<span class="pagenum" id="Page_350">350</span> era,” Africa was - an unknown land of deserts, jungles, fierce wild beasts, and degraded - savages. It is believed that no white man had ever penetrated it to a - distance of one league from the coast. All the literature of that time - relating to African exploration, conquest, and settlement is now known - to be purely imaginative—what the ancients admired as “fiction” and we - punish as felony.</p> - - <p>Authentic African history begins in the early years of the twentieth - century of the “era” mentioned, and its most stupendous events are - the first recorded, the record being made, chiefly, by the hand - that wrought the work—that of Tudor Rosenfelt, the most illustrious - figure of antiquity. Of this astonishing man’s parentage and early - life nothing is certainly known: legend is loquacious, but history is - silent. There are traditions affirming his connection with a disastrous - explosion at Bronco, a city of the Chinese province of Wyo Ming, his - subjugation of the usurper Tammano in the American city of N’yorx (now - known to have had no existence outside the imagination of the poets) - and his conquest of the island of Cubebs; but from all this bushel of - fable we get no grain of authenticated fact. The tales appear to be<span class="pagenum" id="Page_351">351</span> - merely hero-myths, such as belong to the legendary age of every people - of the ancient world except the Greeks and Romans. Further than that - he was an American Indian nothing can be positively affirmed of Tudor - Rosenfelt before the year “1909” of the “Christian [Columbian] era.” - In that year we glimpse him disembarking from two ships on the African - coast near Bumbassa, and, with one foot in the sea and the other on dry - land, swearing through clenched teeth that other forms of life than Man - shall be no more. He then strides, unarmed and unattended, into the - jungle, and is lost to view for ten years!</p> - - <p>Legend and myth now reassert their ancient reign. In that memorable - decade, as we know from the ancient author of “Who’s Whoest in Africa,” - the most incredible tales were told and believed by those who, - knowing the man and his mission, suffered insupportable alternations - of hope and despair. It was said that the Dark Continent into which - he had vanished was frequently shaken from coast to coast as by the - trampling and wrestling of titanic energies in combat and the fall of - colossal bulks on the yielding crust of the earth; that mariners in - adjacent waters heard recurrent growls <span class="pagenum" id="Page_352">352</span>and roars of rage and shouts - of triumph—an enormous uproar that smote their ships like a gale from - the land and swept them affrighted out to sea; that so loud were - these terrible sounds as to be simultaneously audible in the Indian - and Atlantic oceans, as was proved by comparing the logs of vessels - arriving from both seas at the port of Berlin. As is quaintly related - in one of these marine diaries, “The noise was so strenuous that our - ears was nigh to busting with the wolume of the sound.” Through all - this monstrous opulence of the primitive rhetorical figure known as the - Lie we easily discern a nucleus of truth: something uncommon was going - on in Africa.</p> - - <p>At the close of the memorable decade (<i>circa</i> “1919”) authentic - history again appears in the fragmentary work of Antrolius: Rosenfelt - walks out of the jungle at Mbongwa on the side of the continent - opposite Bumbassa. He is now attended by a caravan of twenty thousand - camels and ten thousand native porters, all bearing trophies of - the chase. A complete list of these would require more pages than - Homer Wheeler Wilcox’s catalogue of ships, but among them were - heads of elephants with antlers attached; pelts of the checkered - lion and<span class="pagenum" id="Page_353">353</span> the spiny hippopotentot, respectively the most ferocious - and the most venomous of their species; a skeleton of the missing - lynx (<i>Pithecanthropos erectus compilatus</i>); entire bodies of - pterodactyls and broncosauruses; a slithy tove mounted on a fine - specimen of the weeping wanderoo; the downy electrical whacknasty - (<i>Ananias flabbergastor</i>); the carnivorous mastodon; ten specimens - of the skinless tiger (<i>Felis decorticata</i>); a saber-toothed - python, whose bite produced the weeping sickness; three ribnosed - gazzadoodles; a pair of blood-sweating bandicoots; a night-blooming - jeewhillikins; three and a half varieties of the crested skynoceros; a - purring crocodile, or buzz-saurian; two Stymphalian linnets; a skeleton - of the three footed swammigolsis—afterwards catalogued at the Podunk - Museum of Defective Types as <i>Talpa unopede noninvento</i>; a hydra - from Lerna; the ring-tail mollycoddle and the fawning polecat (<i>Civis - nondesiderabilis</i>).</p> - - <p>These terrible monsters, which from the dawning of time had ravaged - all Africa, baffling every attempt at exploration and settlement, - the Exterminator, as he came to be called, had strangled or captured - with his bare hands; and the few remaining were so cowed that they - gave milk.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_354">354</span> Indeed, such was their terror of his red right arm that - all forsook their evil ways, offered themselves as beasts of burden - to the whites that came afterward, and in domestication and servitude - sought the security that he denied to their ferocity and power. Within - a single generation prosperous colonies of Caucasians sprang up all - along the coasts, and the silk hat and pink shirt, immemorial pioneers - and promoters of civilization, penetrated the remotest fastnesses, - spreading peace and plenty o’er a smiling land!</p> - - <p>The later history of this remarkable man is clouded in obscurity. - Much of his own account of his exploits, curiously intertangled with - those of an earlier hero named Hercules, is extant, but it closes - with his re-embarkation for America. Some hold that on returning to - his native land he was assailed with opprobrium, loaded with chains, - and cast into Chicago; others contend that he was enriched by gifts - from the sovereigns of the world, received with acclamation by his - grateful countrymen, and even mentioned for the presidency to succeed - Samuel Gompers—an honor that he modestly declined on the ground of - inexperience and unfitness. Whatever may be the truth of these matters, - he doubtless<span class="pagenum" id="Page_355">355</span> did not long suffer affliction nor enjoy prosperity, for - in the great catastrophe of the year 254 B. S. the entire continent of - North America and the contiguous island of Omaha were swallowed up by - the sea. Fortunately his narrative is preserved in the Royal Library of - Timbuktu, in which capital of civilization stands his colossal statue - of ivory and gold. In the shadow of that renowned memorial I write this - imperfect tribute to his worth.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_356">356</span> - <h3 id="OBJECTIVE_IDEAS">OBJECTIVE IDEAS</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">WE all remember that the sound of a trumpet has been described as - scarlet. The fact that we do remember it is evidence that the incident - of a physical sensation masquerading in a garment appropriate to the - guest of another sense than the one entertaining it is a general, - not an individual, experience. Not, of course, that a trumpet-call - impresses us all with a sense of color, but the odd description would - long ago have been forgotten had not each mind recognized it as the - statement of a fact belonging to a class of facts of which itself has - had knowledge. For myself, I never hear good music without wishing - to paint it—which I should certainly do with divine success if I - understood music and could paint. The hackneyed and tiresome fashion - of calling certain pictures “symphonies” in this or that color has - a basis of reason—which will somewhat discredit it in the esteem of - those whom it has enslaved. I never hear a man talking of “symphonies” - in gray, green, pepper-and-salt, crushed banana, ashes-of-heretic or - toper’s-nose without thinking with<span class="pagenum" id="Page_357">357</span> satisfaction of the time when he - will himself be a symphony in flame-color, lighting up the landscape - of the underworld like a flamingo in the dun expanse of a marsh in the - gloaming.</p> - - <p>I have in mind a notable instance of a sensation taking on three - dimensions—one for which I am not indebted, probably, to the courtesy - of some forgotten experience producing an association of ideas. It - will be conceded that it is at least unlikely that one should ever - enjoy simultaneously the double gratification of eating a pine-apple - and seeing a man hanged; such felicity is reserved, I fancy, for - creatures more meritorious than poor sinful human beings. Nevertheless, - I never taste pine-apple without a lively sense of a man with his - head in a black bag, depending from his beam. It is not that I am at - the same time conscious of the fruit and of that solemn spectacle; it - simply seems to me that a man hanging is the taste of that fruit. It - is needless to add that when thinking of those unworthy persons, my - enemies, I derive a holy delight from consuming generous slices of - pine-apple.</p> - - <p>There is a class of mental phenomena which, so far as my knowledge - goes, has never been “spread upon the record.”<span class="pagenum" id="Page_358">358</span> Possibly they are - peculiar to my own imperfect understanding, and a saner consciousness - is innocent of them. If so it will gratify my pride of monopoly to - admit the public to a view of my intellectual chattels. The mental - process of enumeration is with me a gliding upward in various - directions from 1 to 100; not along a column of successive figures, - like a cat scampering up a staircase, but along a smooth, pale-bluish, - angular streak, with the hither-and-yon motion of a soaring snipe. - From 1 to 10 the line runs upward, and to the right at an angle with - the horizon of about sixty degrees. There it turns sharply back to the - left and the grade to 20 is nearly flat. Thence to 30 the ascent is - vertical. From 30 to 50 there is an ascent of 10 degrees to the right - and slightly away from me. The course to 60 is to the left again, the - angle, say 10 degrees. From 60 to 90 there is no break, the course, - too, is almost level and directly away; thence to 100 nearly vertical. - It will be observed that the angles are all at 10 and its multiples, - but there is no angle at 40, none at 70, nor at 80. I may explain that - the interval between 10 and 20 is greatly longer than it ought to be, - and I venture to protest against the exceptional and unwarrantable - brevity of that<span class="pagenum" id="Page_359">359</span> between 90 and 100.</p> - - <p>Every time I count I am compelled to ascend some part of this - reasonless and ridiculous Jacob’s-ladder, with a “hitchety, hatchety, - up I go” movement, like Jack mounting his bean-stalk; and it is - ludicrously true that I feel a sense of relief on arriving at the more - nearly level stages, and on them am conscious of an augmented speed. - I can count from 60 to 70 twice as quickly as I can from 90 to 100. - Investigation and comparison of such conceptions as these can but - result in unspeakable advancement of knowledge. If any gentleman has - similar ones and a little leisure for their discussion I hope he will - consent to meet me in Heaven.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_360">360</span> - <h3 id="MY_CREDENTIALS">MY CREDENTIALS</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">MY death occurred on the 17th day of June, 1879—I shall never forget - it. The day had been uncommonly hot, and the doctor kept telling me - that unless it grew cooler he would hardly be able to pull me through. - He said he was willing to do his best and prolong my life to the latest - possible moment if I wished him to, but in any case I should have to - die in a few days. I directed him to keep on prolonging, but the heat - grew greater and finally overcame him, and I died. That is to say, - while he was absent at an adjacent saloon after a sherry cobbler one - of my “bad spells” came on and I fell a victim to inattention. Things - turned out exactly as medical science had foretold.</p> - - <p>The funeral was largely attended and a society reporter was good enough - to describe it as an “enjoyable occasion.” I had been a prominent - member of one hundred and fifty societies, including the Sovereigns - of Glory, the Confederated Idiots, Knights and Ladies of Indigence, - Gorgeous Obsequies Guarantee Fraternity, Protective League of Adult - Orphans, Ancient and Honorable<span class="pagenum" id="Page_361">361</span> Order of Divorced Men, Society for - Converting Lawyers to Christianity, Murderers’ Mutual Resentment - Association, League of Persons Having Moles on Their Necks, Brotherhood - of Grand Flashing Inaccessibles, Mutual Pall Bearers, and Floral - Tribute Consolation Guard. All these societies, and many more, were - represented at my funeral, some in “regalia.” I was buried under more - auspices than you could count. Soon after, I was ushered into the Other - World.</p> - - <p>It is not like what you have been told, but I am forbidden to say what - it is like. Suffice it that its inhabitants know all that goes on in - the world we have left. Imagine, then, the delight with which I read - in all the daily papers the various “resolutions of respect” adopted - by the societies of which I had been a member. The Sovereigns of Glory - said:</p> - - <blockquote> - <p><i>Whereas</i>, Providence has found a pleasure in removing from - among us His Majesty, Peter Wodel Mocump, our Order’s Serene - Reigner over the Records; and</p> - - <p><i>Whereas</i>, Our royal hearts are deeply touched by this - exercise of the divine prerogative;</p> - - <p><i>Resolved</i>, That in all the relations of life he was truly - majestic and imperial.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_362">362</span></p> - - <p>_Resolved_, That we tender our royal sympathy to his surviving - Queen and the Princess and Princesses of his dynasty.</p> - - <p><i>Resolved</i>, That in testimony to his worth these resolutions be - engrossed on parchment and publicly displayed for thirty days in the - windows of a dry-goods shop.</p> - </blockquote> - - <p>The Protective League of Adult Orphans held a meeting before I was - cold, and passed the resolutions following:</p> - - <blockquote> - <p><i>Whereas</i>, The flower that bloomed under the name of Peter - Wodel Mocump has been ruthlessly cut down by the Reaper whose name - is Death; and</p> - - <p><i>Whereas</i>, He was a pansy; be it, therefore,</p> - - <p><i>Resolved</i>, That in his removal this League has lost a sturdy - champion of the rights of orphans; and be it further</p> - - <p><i>Resolved</i>, That a general boycott be, and hereby is, declared - against all orphans outside this Protective League.</p> - </blockquote> - - <p>The Ancient and Honorable Order of Divorced Men eulogized me in the - strongest language as one who had possessed in a high and conspicuous - degree every qualification for membership in their Order. By the - Murderers’ Mutual Resentment Association I was described as one whose - time, talent and fortune were ever at the service of those injured in - the world’s esteem by the judicial practice of alluding to the past. - The League of Persons Having Moles on Their Necks said that, apart from - the unusual size<span class="pagenum" id="Page_363">363</span> of my mole, I had ever shown a strong zeal for the - public welfare and the advancement of civilization.</p> - - <p>I gathered up these various evidences of worth. I got together all the - obituary notices from the newspapers, which showed with a singular - unanimity that I was greatly addicted to secret almsgiving (how - did they know it?) and that I was without a fault of character or - disposition. I copied the inscription on my headstone and the verses - in the death-column of the <i>Morning Buglehorn</i>—some of its death - editor’s happiest and most striking lines. Altogether, this literature - made a pretty large volume of eulogy. I had it printed and bound (in - the Other World sense) and copiously indexed. It was the best reading I - ever saw.</p> - - <p>The time arrived for me to appear at the gate of Heaven and make a - personal demand for admission. I was notified of the hour when I would - be heard, and was on hand. St. Peter received me with a smile and said:</p> - - <p>“We are full of business to-day; be brief and speak to the point. - What do you know of yourself that entitles you to a seat in the blest abodes?” </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_364">364</span></p> - - <p>I smiled rather loftily but without <i>hauteur</i>, and silently handed - him the volume, bearing in golden letters on the cover the title: “My - Record.” St. Peter turned over the leaves deliberately, read a passage - here and there and handed it back, saying:</p> - - <p>“My friend, you have run into a streak of hard luck. The persons who - have given you so good a character—the societies, newspapers, etc.—are - unknown to me, and I don’t wish to say anything against them. But they - have been backing a good many applicants lately, and I have let in a - few on their judgment. Well, this very morning I got this note. I don’t - mind letting you read it if you won’t say I showed it. You will see I - can’t do anything for you.”</p> - - <p>He handed me a letter with about half the envelope torn off by careless - opening. It read as follows:</p> - - <blockquote> - <p><span class="smcap">Dear Peter</span>,—There has been quite a number of disturbances - in here lately, and three or four cases of scandalous misconduct on - the part of the saints, one of whom, in fact, eloped with an angel. - Another was arrested for pocketing some of the golden pavement, and - some have been trying to become famous by cutting their initials in - the bark of the Tree of Life. Inquiry shows that in every instance - the offender is a recent arrival, always a prominent citizen and a - member of a number of “societies.” I won’t overrule<span class="pagenum" id="Page_365">365</span> your action, - but really the character of this place is changing. I must ask you - to stick to the old tests—a godly life and a humble acceptance of - the Christian religion.</p> - </blockquote> - - <p>When I saw the Name that was signed to that note I could not utter a - word. I turned away and came Here.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_366">366</span> - <h3 id="THE_FOOL">THE FOOL</h3> - </div> - - <div class="center">(<i>Bits of Dialogue from an Unpublished Morality Play</i>)</div> - - <h4>I</h4> - - <p class="drop-cap">FOOL—I have a question for you.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Philosopher</span>—I have many, for myself. Do you happen to have - heard that a fool can ask what a philosopher is unable to answer?</p> - - <p>F.—I happen to have heard that if that is true the one is as great a - fool as the other.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ph.</span>—What presumption! Philosophy is search for truth; folly is - submission to happiness.</p> - - <p>F.—But happiness is the sole desire and only possible purpose of man.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ph.</span>—Has virtue no other end?</p> - - <p>F.—The other end of virtue is the beginning.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ph.</span>—Instructed, I sit at your feet.</p> - - <p>F.—Unwilling to instruct, I stand on my head.</p> - - <hr class="short mt2 mb2" /> - - <p><span class="smcap">Philosopher</span>—You say that happiness is the sole desire of man. - This is much disputed.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_367">367</span></p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Fool</span>—There is happiness in disputation.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ph.</span>—But Socrates says—</p> - - <p>F.—He was a Grecian. I hate foreigners.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ph.</span>—Wisdom is of no country.</p> - - <p>F.—Of none that I have observed.</p> - - <hr class="short mt2 mb2" /> - - <p><span class="smcap">Philosopher</span>—Let us return to our subject, happiness as the - sole desire of man. Crack me these nuts. (1) The man that endures a - life of toil and privation for the good of others.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Fool</span>—Does he feel remorse for so doing? Does he not rather - like it?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ph.</span>—(2) He who, famishing himself, gives his loaf to a beggar.</p> - - <p>F.—There are those who prefer benevolence to bread.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ph.</span>—(3) How of him who goes joyfully to martyrdom at the stake?</p> - - <p>F.—He goes joyfully.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ph.</span>—And yet—</p> - - <p>F.—Did you ever talk with a good man going to the stake?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ph.</span>—I never saw one going to the stake.</p> - - <p>F.—Unfavored observer!—you were born a century too early.</p> - - <hr class="short mt2 mb2" /> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_368">368</span></p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Philosopher</span>—You say that you hate foreigners. Why?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Fool</span>—Because I am human.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ph.</span>—But so are they.</p> - - <p>F.—I thank you for the better reason.</p> - - <hr class="short mt2 mb2" /> - - <p><span class="smcap">Philosopher</span>—I have been thinking of the pocopo.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Fool</span>—So have I; what is it?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ph.</span>—The pocopo is a small Brazilian animal, chiefly remarkable - for singularity of diet. A pocopo eats nothing but other pocopos. As - these are not easily obtained, the annual mortality from starvation - is very great. As a result, there are fewer mouths to feed, and by - consequence the race is rapidly multiplying.</p> - - <p>F.—From whom had you this?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ph.</span>—A professor of political economy.</p> - - <p>F.—Let us rise and uncover.</p> - - <hr class="short mt2 mb2" /> - - <p><span class="smcap">Fool</span>—A foreign student of the English language read the report - of a colloquy between a fool and a philosopher. The remarks of the fool - were indicated by the letter F; those of the philosopher by the letters - <span class="smcap">Ph</span>—as ours will be if Heaven raise up a great, wise man to - report them.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_369">369</span></p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Philosopher</span>—Well?</p> - - <p>F.—Nothing. Ever thereafter the misguided foreign student spelled - “fool” with ph and philosopher with an f.</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Ph.</span>—Neo-Platonist!</p> - - <hr class="short mt2 mb2" /> - <h4>II</h4> - - <p><span class="smcap">Fool</span>—If I were a doctor—</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Doctor</span>—I should endeavor to be a fool.</p> - - <p>F.—You would fail—folly is not achieved, but upon the meritorious it is - conferred.</p> - - <p>D.—For what purpose?</p> - - <p>F.—For yours.</p> - - <hr class="short mt2 mb2" /> - - <p><span class="smcap">Fool</span>—I have a friend who—</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Doctor</span>—Is in need of my assistance. Absence of excitement, - absolute quiet, a hard bed and a simple diet; that will cure him.</p> - - <p>F.—Hardly. He is dead—he is taking your prescription.</p> - - <p>D.—All but the simple diet.</p> - - <p>F.—He is himself the diet.</p> - - <p>D.—How simple.</p> - - <hr class="short mt2 mb2" /> - - <p><span class="smcap">Fool</span>—What is the nastiest medicine?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Doctor</span>—A fool’s advice.</p> - - <p>F.—And what the most satisfactory disease? </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_370">370</span></p> - - <p>D.—The most lingering one.</p> - - <p>F.—To the patient, I mean.</p> - - <p>D.—Paralysis of the thoracic duct.</p> - - <p>F.—I am not familiar with it.</p> - - <p>D.—It does not encourage familiarity. Paralysis of the thoracic duct - enables the patient to overeat without taking the edge off his appetite.</p> - - <p>F.—What an admirable equipment for dining out! How long does the - patient’s unnatural appetite last?</p> - - <p>D.—The time varies; always longer than he does.</p> - - <p>F.—As an hypothesis, that is imperfectly conceivable. It sounds like a - doctrine.</p> - - <hr class="short mt2 mb2" /> - - <p><span class="smcap">Doctor</span>—Anything further?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Fool</span>—You attend a patient; nevertheless he recovers. How do - you tell if his recovery was because of your treatment or in spite of it?</p> - - <p>D.—I never do tell.</p> - - <p>F.—I mean, how do you know?</p> - - <p>D.—I take the opinion of a person interested in such matters: I ask a - fool.</p> - - <p>F.—How does the patient know?</p> - - <p>D.—The fool asks me.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_371">371</span></p> - - <p>F.—You are very kind; how shall I prove my ingratitude?</p> - - <p>D.—By close attention to the laws of health.</p> - - <p>F.—God forbid!</p> - - <hr class="short mt2 mb2" /> - <h4>III</h4> - - <p><span class="smcap">Fool</span>—Sir Cutthroat, how many orphans have you made to-day?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Soldier</span>—The devil an orphan. Have you a family?</p> - - <p>F.—Put up your iron; I am the last of my race.</p> - - <p>S.—What!—no more fools?</p> - - <p>F.—Not one, so help me! They have all gone to the wars. By the way, you - are somewhat indebted to me.</p> - - <p>S.—Let us arbitrate your claim: arbitration is good for my trade.</p> - - <p>F.—The only arbiter whose decision you respect is on your side. It - hangs there.</p> - - <p>S.—It is impartial: it cuts both ways. For what am I indebted to you?</p> - - <p>F.—For existence. Prevalence of me has made you possible.</p> - - <p>S.—Possible? Sir, I am probable.</p> - - <hr class="short mt2 mb2" /> - - <p><span class="smcap">Soldier</span>—Why do you wear a cap and bells? </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_372">372</span></p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Fool</span>—The civic equivalent of a helmet and plume.</p> - - <p>S.—Go “hang a calf-skin on those recreant limbs.”</p> - - <p>F.—’Tis only wisdom should be bound in calf, for wisdom is the veal of - which folly is the matured beef.</p> - - <p>S.—Then folly should be garbed in cowskin.</p> - - <p>F.—Aye, that it may the sooner appear for what it is—the naked truth.</p> - - <p>S.—How should it?</p> - - <p>F.—You would soon strip off the hide to make harness and trappings - withal. No one thinks what conquerors owe to cows.</p> - - <hr class="short mt2 mb2" /> - - <p><span class="smcap">Fool</span>—Tell me, hero, what is strategy?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Soldier</span>—The art of putting two knives to one throat.</p> - - <p>F.—And what is tactics?</p> - - <p>S.—The art of drawing them across it.</p> - - <p>F.—Fine! I read (in Joinville, I think) that during the Crusades the - armament of a warship comprised two hundred serpents. These be strange - weapons.</p> - - <p>S.—What stuff a fool may talk! The great Rameses used to turn loose - lions against his enemies, but no true soldier would employ serpents. - Those snakes were<span class="pagenum" id="Page_373">373</span> used by sailors.</p> - - <p>F.—A nice distinction, truly. Did you ever employ your blade in the - splitting of hairs?</p> - - <p>S.—I have split masses of them!</p> - - <hr class="short mt2 mb2" /> - - <p><span class="smcap">Fool</span>—Speaking of the Crusades—at the siege of Acre, when a - part of the wall had been thrown down by the Christians the Pisans - rushed gallantly into the breach, but the greater part of their army - being at dinner, they were bloodily repulsed. Was it not a shame that - those feeders should not stir from their porridge to succor their - allies?</p> - - <p><span class="smcap">Soldier</span>—Pray why should a man neglect his business to oblige a - friend?</p> - - <p>F.—But they might have conquered, and the city would have been open to - sacking and pillage.</p> - - <p>S.—The selfish gluttons!</p> - - <hr class="short mt2 mb2" /> - - <p><span class="smcap">Fool</span>—Why is a coachman’s uniform called a livery and a - soldier’s livery a uniform?</p> - - <p>S.—Your presumption grows insupportable. Speak no more of matters that - you know nothing about.</p> - - <p>F.—Such censorship would doom all tongues to inactivity. Test my - knowledge.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_374">374</span></p> - - <p>S.—What is war?</p> - - <p>F.—An acute stage of logical politics.</p> - - <p>S.—What is peace?</p> - - <p>F.—A suspension of hostilities. An armistice for the purpose of digging - up the dead.</p> - - <p>S.—I do not follow you.</p> - - <p>F.—Then I have security without exertion.</p> - - <p>S.—You damned half-ration! </p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_375">375</span> - <h3 id="OUR_SMART_SET">OUR SMART SET</h3> - </div> - - <h4 class="large"><span class="smcap">Urban</span></h4> - - <p class="drop-cap">THE party given on Tuesday evening last at the residence of the Puffers - was an enjoyable occasion. Next door to the residence is a church, - and the festivities were frequently interrupted by an old-fashioned - prayer meeting that was going on in the sacred edifice—the “amens” and - “God-grant-its” being distinctly audible in the midst of the dance. The - nuisance was finally abated by the police, but not until many of the - guests had left the Puffer mansion in disgust.</p> - - <p>The week has been prolific of social gaieties. The hospitable mansions - of the genteel, which were thrown shut during Lent, have been thrown - open again, and all has gone merry as a married belle. The list - of successful and long-to-be-remembered occasions is too long for - publication and too important for abbreviation. It can only be said - here, in a general way, that Society whooped it up great!</p> - - <p>The engagement is announced of Mr. Dreffeldude P. Milquesoppe to Miss - Enameline Stuccup, the least-young daughter<span class="pagenum" id="Page_376">376</span> of our distinguished - townsman, Impyqu Stuccup, Esq., familiarly known as “the Golden - Pauper.” The wedding is to take place as soon as the old man can sell - his pigs.</p> - - <p>On Wednesday H. Grabberson Tump led to the altar Miss Toozifoozle Bilc, - and having got her there, married her alive. The bridal presents were - gorgeous, being the famous “Set No. 3” from the well and favorably - known establishment of Pasticraft, Nickelgilt & Co.—the same set that - graced the showtable on the memorable occasion of the Whoopup-Hurroo - nuptials last fall.</p> - - <p>The Society Editors’ League has purchased a new evening coat and - appointed a committee to arrange a uniform vocabulary—a social - Esperanto. The phrases, “palatial mansion,” “the hospitable doors - were thrown open,” “the rank, beauty and fashion,” “the festivities - were prolonged into the wee sma’ hours,” “Terpsichorean exercises - were indulged in,” “the elegant collation was done ample justice to,” - “joined in the holy bonds of wedlock,” will stand without revision.</p> - - <p>A fancy-dress ball was given by the inmates of the insanity asylum - last Monday night. The only outmate present was the society editor of - the <i>Technologist<span class="pagenum" id="Page_377">377</span></i>, who took the character of “The Lunatic,” and - sustained it with such fidelity that he was a marked man. They marked - him “3397” and kept him there.</p> - - <p>Our distinguished townsman, the Hon. Dollop Gobb, whose public-spirited - investments in unimproved real estate have done so much to make this - city what she is, was received everywhere with great consideration - while in Europe. The brigands who captured him near Athens demanded - the largest ransom for him that has ever been exacted for an American. - When he ascended the Great Pyramid he was detained at the top until all - that he had excepting his underclothing had gone as backsheesh to the - downtrodden millions of Egypt. Innkeepers, couriers, guides, porters - and servants vied with one another in paying homage to success in the - person of this self-made American. Mr. Gobb believes that genuine worth - is better appreciated under monarchical forms of Government than it is - here.</p> - - <p>Mr. Joel Hamfat is reported engaged to Mrs. John Bamberson, whose - husband is lying at the point of death. It is a genuine case of love at - first sight, Mr. Hamfat being the head of the measuring department of - the United Undertakers.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_378">378</span></p> - - <p>On Monday, at the Church of St. Iniquity (Episcopalian), the Rev. Dr. - Mammon Godder joined in the holy bonds of matrimony Jacob Abraham - Isaacson, of the firm of Isaacson, Isaacson & Isaacson, proprietors - of the Seventh Commandment Bazaar, to Miss Rebekah Katzenstein, - daughter of Aaron Levi Katzenstein, Esq., of Katzenstein, Abramson & - Lubeckheimer, gentlemen clothiers, No. 315 Little Kneedeep street. - The wedding—including breakfast, wines, decorations, carriages and - everything—cost more than a thousand dollars, but as the bride’s father - felicitously remarked, “Monish is noddings ven it is a qvestion of - doing somedings in a drooly Ghristian vay, don’t it?” It undoubtedly - does.</p> - - <p>Old man Snoop has returned from Mud Springs much improved in age. His - daughter, Mrs. Major and Brevet Lieutenant-Colonel Straddleblind, has - engaged lodging and board for him at the Alms House, where his private - system of grammar will excite greater enthusiasm than it does at - Humility Hill, as the charming villa of the Straddleblinds is called.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_379">379</span></p> - - <p>The wedding of Miss Euphemia de Genlis Bullworthy-Clopsattle, the - second charming daughter of our distinguished fellow citizen, the Hon. - Aminadab Azrael Bullworthy Clopsattle, of “The Pollards,” to Jake - Snoots will not take place at once; the bride-to-be will first be - “confirmed.” She is wise—if anybody needs the consolation of religion - she will.</p> - - <p>A reception in honor of the composer who wrote <i>Johnny, Get Your - Gun</i> was held on Thursday evening last at the pal. man. of Mrs. - Macpogram, who is herself a musician of no mean ability. The guest - of the evening—whose name we do not at this moment recall—sang the - composition which has made him famous from Maine to California. - Afterward Miss Castoria Hamfat rendered <i>Yow che m’ rumpus</i> in - excellent style, and Mr. —— (the gentleman who composed the other - thing) was tickled half to death. We wish she had sung the whole opera.</p> - - <p>Mr. and Mrs. Whackup have returned from Europe, bringing many objects - of art, some of which cost a great deal of money. Among them is - Turner’s “Boy Eating an Apple,” of which the distinguished critic, Col. - Twobottle, of Georgia, said that it would live as long as the language. - Another treasure of the Whackup collection is Titian’s<span class="pagenum" id="Page_380">380</span> portrait of - Mrs. Whackup’s aunt, painted by Signor Titian at one sitting. It is the - intention to have the frame made of real ormolu and set with brilliants.</p> - - <p>The elegant entertainment last Tuesday evening at the palatial mansion - of our distinguished townsman, J. Giles Noovoreesh Esq., was shorn of - its intended proportions by the unexpected arrival of Mr. Noovoreesh - himself. Some of the gentlemen who graced the occasion with their - presence have not yet obtained their hats and overcoats. The scene - that followed the irruption of Mr. N. into the grand hall where - Terpsichorean festivities were eventuating is said by an eye-witness to - have been the grandest spectacle since the retreat from Waterloo.</p> - - <p>A series of “Saturday morning <i>soirèes</i>” is announced at the - suburban residence of Mrs. Judge of the Court of Acquittal Smythe. - It is Mrs. Judge of the Court of Acquittal Symthe’s opinion that the - uncommon hour will enable her to invite the persons whom she does not - want, as well as the ladies and gentlemen whom she does.</p> - - <p>Mrs. Lowt has had her ears pierced. It was done by the singing of her - second daughter, Miss Loobie.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_381">381</span></p> - - <p>From the list of persons whose presence added interest and charm to the - splendid obsequies of the late Mrs. Bangupper, on Thursday last, we - inadvertently omitted the name of the beautiful and accomplished Miss - Chippie Hifli. She was lovely in a costume from Chicago, and divided - honors with the remains.</p> - - <p>Mrs. Suds will give a literary entertainment at her residence on Angel - avenue next Thursday evening, when her beautiful and gifted niece, Miss - Simpergiggle, will read Poe’s Raven. She is an <i>élocutioniste</i> - of remarkable powers, having twice received the highest honors in - Professor’s Drumlung’s class and once driven an audience mad. Her - rendering of <i>The Charge of the Light Brigade</i> is said to be - unlike anything ever heard, and on one occasion it so fired the heart - of a young man who was engaged to her that he instantly broke off the - match, resolved to dedicate himself to the sword in the next war.</p> - - <p>One of the most enjoyable parties of the season was given on Thursday - evening last by the hoodlumni of the little university around the - corner. The guests comprised nearly all the gentlemen who have - graduated during the past two<span class="pagenum" id="Page_382">382</span> years.</p> - - <p>Miss Adiposa Brown wishes us to say that among those present at the - Sucklebuster wedding we observed Miss Addie P. Brown, who looked - enchanting in white silk and diamonds. We strive to please.</p> - - <p>Last Thursday’s post-mortem reception at the costly mansion of the - Jonesmiths was a tasteful affair. The body of the hostess, in one of - Grimdole & Grewsums popular caskets, wore a magnificent moire-antique - Mother Hubbard and a look of serene peace adorned with pearls. The - coiffure was a triumph of the hair-dresser’s art. Too great praise - cannot be given to the skill and artistic taste of Miss Nobbie Chic, - under whose supervision the gorgeous apartments had been decorated with - all manner of griefery: a skull-and-cross-bones in black spatter-work - on a scarlet ground being particularly pleasing. The vegetable - tributes, including a skeleton in orange blossoms, were mostly from the - floral emporium of Jickster & Gonkle. When the lid of the casket was - screwed down there was noisier weeping than has ever been heard on any - similar occasion in this city: the guests literally weltered in woe.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_383">383</span></p> - - <p>Physicians declare that the apparently innocent habit of kissing lap - dogs is a fruitful source of contagion. They point to the recent - mortality among the dogs as confirmatory evidence.</p> - - <p>Last Wednesday evening’s reception at the Slumsprung residence was - marred by the unexpected return of the old man. As it was understood - that he was in Milpitas, and would not be invited anyhow, many of the - guests had not taken the precaution to be armed, and for some time - the festivities were one-sided. Luckily the tide was turned by the - opportune arrival of Col. Spotshot. Silas Edward Slumsprung was born - at Dawkinsville, Missouri, October 3, 1845. Educated as a blacksmith - and fired with the spirit of adventure, he came to this state in 1870, - since which time his fame is familiar to even the most lowly: no name - has more prominently adorned the advertising columns of this journal - than that of the distinguished remains. We mourn our loss.</p> - - <p>A successful party at Tarrytown—John D. Rockefeller.</p> - - <p>Among the most honored guests at the Hull-Caboodle reception last - Thursday evening was Mr. Moriarty Monaghan, the distinguished inventor - of the steam chaperon.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_384">384</span></p> - - <p>At Mrs. Fastiddio’s <i>musicale</i> last Thursday evening the harmony - of the occasion was somewhat marred by the sound of a desperate - squabble in the entrance hall as Professor Schwackenheimer was singing - his famous solo, <i>Dere’s moosic eferyvheres</i>. The fair hostess - signified a wish that the festivities should not be suspended, but even - beauty is unable to muzzle the press, and our reporter left the room - to see what it was all about. The hall porter, whose hair and clothing - were greatly deranged, explained with some excitement, between his - gasps of fatigue, that he’d been “a firin’ out another one o’ them dam - antecedents.”</p> - - <p>The Jacksprats are in Jebigue. They live there.</p> - - <p>The engagement is announced of Hunker Gowk to the widow Jonesmith, - who will be remembered in connection with the road-house scandal of - ten years ago. The engagement having revived public interest in that - unfortunate episode in the life of the lady, it is related in full in - another column.</p> - - <p>Our reporter was contumeliously treated at last Wednesday evening’s - hoe-down at the Robinson mansion. This is the more surprising because - the hostess is one of our oldest and most esteemed landmarks and is - sincerely devoted to study of books <span class="pagenum" id="Page_385">385</span>on etiquette to make up for her - early disadvantages. We forgive it as a mere <i>reversio ad naturam</i>.</p> - - <p>Miss Enameline Cartilagina Cmythe is visiting the mummy of Rameses II, - in Cairo. They were schoolmates.</p> - - <p>They are telling (under the breath) of a clever thing which Mrs. Rooley - said the other day. “My dear,” said an old schoolgirl friend whom she - had not met since her marriage, “how could you venture to marry Mr. - Rooley with that awful scandal hanging over you?” “The most natural - thing in the world,” was the placid reply. “People were beginning to - talk, and I married Mr. Rooley at once to keep him from hearing about - it.”</p> - - <p>The Princess Bulli-Bulli is at the Golden Hotel. She will be remembered - as the lady who kept the peanut parlors at 9276 Cobble street in the - old days. Since she has got royal blood in her veins her Highness is, - of course, somewhat haughty and cold in her manner, and has on two or - three occasions inflicted severe injuries on the hotel servants; but - she is at heart a true American lady and has six dogs.</p> - - <p>Mrs. Excrusia Blogg gave a party last Tuesday in celebration of her - thirtieth birthday. Among the names of those not invited was that of - the fair hostess’ daughter,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_386">386</span> Mrs. Rougeline Blogg-Dumperton, who with - her five lovely children lives just over the way. The particulars of - the estrangement are not known.</p> - - <p>In diamonds it is the fashion to have the breakfast sets entirely - different from those worn at dinner. Nothing so conspicuously - distinguishes the true lady as the jewelry she wears at breakfast. Mrs. - Bluegore, the wife of the Hon. Asa Bluegore, M. C., is a model in this - way; her diamonds always look as if she had slept in them, they are - worn with so negligent a grace.</p> - - <p>At five-and-half o’clock teas it is <i>en règle</i> for the hostess to - stir each cup of the beverage with her forefinger before administering - it to the patient. This assures so low a temperature that the tea is - retained in the system.</p> - - <p>Miss Exquisitia Multiboodle and father are registered at the Majestic - hotel.</p> - - <p>The Tooquites, the Culcherfads and the Refinings are at the Divine.</p> - - <p>Old Mumchortle and his mahala are at the Squaremeal.</p> - - <p>There will be another <i>musicale</i> next Tuesday evening at the - residence of Mrs. Jonas Goard. Professor Henrj Beerbellj will be - present with his violin, and will play some choice selections from<span class="pagenum" id="Page_387">387</span> - Schopenhauer, Mazzini, Gambetta and Murillo. Mrs. Goard says it is her - intention to make her weekly <i>musicales</i> the most peerless that - money will collar.</p> - - <p>The Hiflungs are at the Splurge House. Their health has not been good - since their return from Europe, Colonel Hiflung, Miss Hiflung, Miss - Phlebotomy Hiflung and Masters Thanatopsis and Epithalamium Hiflung all - suffering more or less acutely from brain failure.</p> - - <p>Gargoyle Squutney has arrived from Paris, where he had the distinction - of ascending the Eiffel Tower. The Emperor paid him a great deal of - attention and he met the Tuilleries.</p> - - <p>Society is justly indignant at the threatened publication of an - <i>Èlite Directory</i> with an “Appendix of Antecedents.” Strenuous - efforts at suppression have resulted in nothing, so far, but hopes are - entertained of conciliating the author and publisher with an invitation - to the Pursang luncheon next week. In the mean time that hardy and - desperate man speaks of the ladies and gentlemen whom he weakly maligns - in the columns of an infamous daily newspaper as “Our Sore Hundred.” - </p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_388">388</span></p> - - <p>The fashion of leaving the dog’s card with that of the mistress is - obtaining favor again.</p> - - <p>The new spring-style coffins have oxidized silver trimmings.</p> - - <p>Our distinguished townsman, the Hon. Mr. Col. Samuel Jiggs, Esquire, is - understood to deprecate Society’s attitude toward him. He has confided - to a prominent society man the fact that he is tired of attending his - wife’s entertainments and hearing himself addressed by her guests as - “Sam” and “Jiggsy.” He purposes, he says, to make certain radical - improvements in the next galoots as allows they kin prosper withouten - good manners.</p> - - <p>At the funeral of Miss Nobbie Skihi, last Thursday, the corpse was - attired in a Directoire costume from Worth’s, and wore a diamond and - sapphire necklace valued, according to the tag, at $15,000. In removing - this at the close of the entertainment, the mother of the deceased was - overcome with emotion, which found audible expression. The lady’s voice - is a clear soprano of remarkable power.</p> - - <p>The Lalligaggs have taken rooms at the Hotel Paradise for the winter - and the Mollicoddles for the storm. The Von Doodles are reported as - storming at Hohokus.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_389">389</span></p> - - <p>At the Rodaigent-Cadje wedding reception a new and admirable feature - was introduced. On one end of a table were displayed the wedding - presents, with the donor’s names attached. On the other end was a large - number of wooden naughts, gilt and variously decorated. These bore - the names of friends and acquaintances who gave nothing. It is said - that some of the persons blacklisted have applied to the police for - protection.</p> - - <p>Mrs. Wollysnopple is in town again, where, being at present afflicted - with smallpox, she has a wide circle of acquaintances.</p> - - <p>The beautiful and accomplished Miss Vaseline Upshoot damaged one of - her toes last week in alighting from a street car. It was the sweetest - little accident in the world, and the fair sufferer underwent a - charming amputation.</p> - - <p>The Impycu family, who are at Gophertown, Hog Valley, wish us to state - that they are traveling in Europe. So are we.</p> - - <p>Mrs. Breezy O’Blairney has offered the Academy of Sciences a - magnificent oil portrait of her late husband, the Hon. Moriarty Fitz - Flaherty O’Blairney. It is reported that the Academy is willing to - compromise.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_390">390</span></p> - - <p>A pleasing incident in high life occurred the other evening at a - <i>conversazione</i> given by Mrs. Fastidiana Rushereeeee, <i>nèe</i> - Scroggins. The fair hands of the distinguished and wealthy hostess had - worked in violets on a yellow ground the following chaste and elegant - lines, which adorned one of the walls: - </p> - - <div class="center-container"> - <div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Here mind meets mind on the occasion</div> - <div class="i0">Of an intellectual <i>conversazione</i>.</div> - </div> - </div> - </div> - - <p class="noindent">A gentleman of some literary pretensions from Boston enticed the - hostess aside, and in the most cowardly manner intimated that she had - erred in pronunciation, or else had a bad ear for rhyme. The insulted - lady apprised the other gentlemen present of what had been said to - her in her own house, and the fellow was energetically booted abroad, - returning not any more to that place. And that is the pleasing incident - above referred to.</p> - - <p>Mrs. Follyswaddle’s reception in honor of Lord 'Arry Chortle of Wapping - was enjoyable until his lordship was taken drunk; then the festivities - were parted in the middle.</p> - - <p>The Tollipoodles are Octobering in Sprouleville—all except the old - man, who is Tollipoodling here, in the regular way. In him there is - neither change nor shadow of turning—such as creation’s dawn beheld he - Tollipoodleth now.</p> - - <p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_391">391</span></p> - - <p>The wake of Malone Finucain last Thursday night was marred by but a - single untoward incident—the corpse got up and kicked everybody out - of the house. The widow desires us to say that the second wake of the - series will take place at a date not now determined, and each guest - will be supplied at the door with an attested copy of a physician’s - certificate of death.</p> - - <p>One of the most interesting souvenirs of royalty that this country can - boast is in the possession of Miss Celeritie Hifli of this city. It - was given to Miss Hifli by his Royal Highness the Prince of Wales, who - greatly admired her beauty. The souvenir is a Bank of England ten-pound - note, which Miss Hifli has had framed and exhibits with pardonable - pride. After the first few shocks, it is quite charming to observe her - ingenuous way of speaking of his Royal Highness as “Al.”</p> - - <p>Society is discussing a shocking scandal. It is difficult to get the - particulars from an authentic source, but they are believed to be - about as follows: Three weeks ago, on the death of Miss R——, the body - was placed in the handsome tomb of Colonel H——, an old friend of the - family, the fine mausoleum of the R——s being incomplete.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_392">392</span> The only - occupant of the tomb when the body of Miss R—— was placed there was - the remains of Colonel H——’s brother, but for the sake of propriety - Mrs. X——, a friend of both families, had the mortal part of her - mother conveyed there from another place. But on Tuesday last Mrs. - X——, without notifying the R——s, had her mother’s body removed and - sent East. From that day until yesterday the remains of Miss R—— were - without a chaperon. Great indignation is felt against Mrs. X——, and it - is thought that her action will seriously affect her social standing.</p> - - <h4 class="large"><span class="smcap">Rural</span></h4> - - <p>The festivities last Wednesday evening at the Turveypool mansion - scooped the ranch. It was the slickest outfit of the season, and will - shine in the annals of society worse than a new tin pan. The genial - hostess was as affable as a candidate for coroner, and pitchforked her - smiles about without caring a cuss where they struck and stuck. She’s - the whitest woman in this social camp, and don’t you forget it.</p> - - <p>Mrs. Flyorbust gave a reception on Friday evening, which in point of - pure elegance knocked everything perfectly cold and was a regular - round-up of beauty,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_393">393</span> rank and fashion. The fair hostess’ long residence - in the social centers of Europe, where she experted some of the - niftiest occasions, has taught her how to do such things white. Among - those present we observed Mr. Flyorbust, Miss Flyorbust, Miss Georgiana - Glorinda Flyorbust, and Master Tom Busted.</p> - - <p>The engagement is announced of Mr. Megacephaloid Polliglot Paupertas, - the distinguished and popular scion of the Munniglut stock, to a - lady of acceptable fortune but humble birth, who is not at present - in society and is therefore nameless in these columns. The wedding - is expected to take place as soon as this person can dispose of some - property in Hangtown. If the sale is auspiciously consummated the - nuptials will eventuate with unscrupulous grandiosity.</p> - - <p>Society is unaffected by Lent: Mrs. Vulgaria de Binks-Browne says that - she means to give a dizzy party next Wednesday evening and put on as - much dog as anybody or bust a-trying. Those near to Mrs. Binks-Browne - hope that she will succeed.</p> - - <p>We were honored yesterday by a call from the eminent statesman, the - Hon. Braygong Bumble, and his distinguished dog. They remained an hour - and left, going<span class="pagenum" id="Page_394">394</span> in the direction of our loathsome contemporary, <i>The - Squeege</i>. It is to be hoped they did not tarnish their respective - escutcheons by calling on the presiding felon of that gang, and they - probably did not, for the voice of fame has not pointed the finger of - discovery at him.</p> - - <p>Old man Blivens wants the public to get onto the racket that his fat - girl, Piggy Jane, is effectuating. As nearly as we could tumble to it - from the elderly party’s prospectus, it is to be a lavender feed. The - guests are not expected to eat that herb of the field, unless they want - to, but its color will pervade the occasion like an undertone of garlic - in a Dago Christmas. Ladies whose rinds don’t hitch well with lavender - had better stay at home and go to the circus.</p> - - <p>Mrs. Colonel Pompinuppy’s Wednesday evenings will henceforth eventuate - on Thursday afternoons. At the next one Signora Fahertini, a Dutch - <i>cantatreechy</i>, will squawk up some classical music that will make - the hair curl. - </p> - - <p>Pimply Johnson is pinching out at his Burro street shack. The medicine - man has tooted his doom, but says he may possibly pull through the - week. Keep your northwest eye open for an enjoyable funeral<span class="pagenum" id="Page_395">395</span> if it - is Christian weather. The remains will be <i>cached</i> in the natty - mausoleum erected by them during life.</p> - - <p>The services last Sunday evening at the Church of the Holy Jones - were enlivened by the presence of the beautiful Miss Marie Jeanne - Hodj, who brandished the most paralyzing follyswaddles of any hen in - the kaboodle. Her leading figleaf was of nun’s-unavailing, with a - demi-train which responded rhythmically to every lateral impulse of - her willowy figure. The rest of her outfit we didn’t slate. Miss Hodj - looked sweet enough to eat!</p> - - <p>At the reception, last Tuesday evening, at the Loftinudle mansion, the - many guests gracing the occasion with their presence were profoundly - affected by the costliness and elegance of everything in the house and - its appointments. No one thing knocked them silly, but there was a - general allroundishness that laid ’em out like dead! It is universally - admitted that the Loftinudle shack is uncommonly tough to tackle, and - it is not thought that any of the shanties now going up in Smith’s - Addition will be able to hold a candle to it. There are some persons, - however, who expect old Loftinudle will himself hold a candle to it, as - the insurance is significantly<span class="pagenum" id="Page_396">396</span> heavy.</p> - - <p>The Squuljees are now established in their new Malaria county villa, - Skunkmead. The house, which is of the Renuisance style, is fitted with - all the ancient and modern conveniences, and the whole place has been - happily described by a reporter of the <i>Malarian</i> as strongly - resembling Mr. Elysian’s fields. Mrs. Squuljee, Miss Squuljee and Miss - Carameline Squuljee were in the city yesterday and were seen at a - distance by our reporter. Unluckily they had seen him first.</p> - - <p>The Bachelor’s Club is madder than a wet cat. It was first flung to - the breeze to enable the unmarried roosters to return-match the old - hens who entertain them at the henneries; but the chaps do it so white - that now the o. h.’s don’t put up at all. We plank down our in’ardest - sympathy in the business, but that’s all we can do; owing to the - death of a heavy advertiser the o. h. appertaining to our loathsome - contemporary isn’t branching out into social gaieties much at the - present writing.</p> - - <p>Mr. James O’Squander and Mrs. Jane McMillion are to be married next - Hangman’s day—that day being selected in memory of the bridegroom’s - sainted father. It was of this engagement that the Bard of Tar Flat, - Ferd Anderson Snooks, penned his<span class="pagenum" id="Page_397">397</span> brutal couplet, published by a - disgusting contemporary:</p> - - <div class="center-container"> - <div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Jim will tie to Jane in the holy bonds of wedlock,</div> - <div class="i0">But ere a year is gone he’ll be scraping round on bedrock.</div> - </div> - </div> - </div> - - <p>A Leap Year party was given on Monday evening at the Coyote District - school-house, Potato county. The Temple of Science was beautifully - decorated, the words “Leep Yeer,” tastily executed in colored chalks on - the black-board, being conspicuously pleasing. They were the work of - the teacher.</p> - - <p>The McCorkle crowd is Novembering at Iron Springs. That summer place - of last resort does not advertise in this journal, but we know enough - about it from other sources to whack up our deepest dollar on the - proposition that the essence of latch-key which Mother Earth spits out - at that place will knock the McCorkle livers galley west.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_398">398</span> - <h3 id="THE_EVOLUTION_OF_A_STORY">THE EVOLUTION OF A STORY</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">ON a calm evening in the early summer, a young girl stood leaning - carelessly against a donkey at the top of Plum Hill, daintily but with - considerable skill destroying a biscuit by mastication’s artful aid. - The sun had been for some time behind the sea, but the conscious West - was still suffused with a faint ruddiness, like the reflection from an - army of boiled lobsters marching below the horizon for a flank attack - upon the stomach of Boston.</p> - - <p>Slowly and silently the ruby legion held its way. Not a word was - spoken; commands given by the general were passed from mouth to - mouth, like a single bit of chewing gum amongst the seven children - immortalized by Edward Bok, who was more than usually active this - evening, if that were possible.</p> - - <p>And it was possible; in no spirit of bravado, but with firm reliance on - the <i>blanc mange</i> he had eaten for dinner, and which was even now - shaping itself into exquisite fancies in the laboratory of his genius, - the great editor had resolved to reach a higher excellence, or perish - in the attempt, as the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_399">399</span> tree frog, baffled by the smooth bark of the - beech, falls exhausted into the spanning jaws of the serpent biding his - time below.</p> - - <p>Having swallowed the frog, the reptile turned to go away, and by a - sinuous course soon reached the highway. Here he stood up and looked - about him. There was no living thing in sight. To the right hand and - the left the dusty white road stretched away without a break in its - dreary, mathematical sameness. Beyond a belt of pines on the opposite - side rose a barren, rounded hilltop, resembling the bald crown of a - game keeper thrust upward from behind a hedge to offer a shining mark - for the poacher.</p> - - <p>Grimly the poacher raised and sighted his gun, charged with a double - quantity of heavy slugs. There was a moment of silence—a silence so - profound, so deathlike in its intensity, that a keen ear might have - heard the spanking of an infant in a distant village.</p> - - <p>This infant had come, no one knew whence. The story went that it had - tramped into town one cold morning, with its cradle slung across its - back, and after being refused admittance to the hotel, had gone quietly - to the back door and lain down, having first written and pinned to its - gown the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_400">400</span> following placard: “This unfortunate child is the natural - son of a foreign prince, who until he shall succeed to the throne of - his ancestors begs that the illustrious waif may be tenderly cared - for. His Royal Highness cannot say how long his own worthless father - may continue to disgrace the realm, but hopes not long. At the end of - that time, his Royal Highness will appear to the child’s astonished - benefactor, crusted as thickly with gems as a toad with warts.”</p> - - <p>These troublesome excrescences had given the poor toad much pain. - Everything that science had devised, and skill applied, had been a mere - waste of money; and now at the age of four hundred years, with life - just opening before him, with other toads reveling about him in all the - jump-up-and-come-down-hardness of their hearts he was compelled to drag - himself nervelessly through existence, with no more hope of happiness - than a piano has of marriage.</p> - - <p>It was not a nice piano; the keys were warped, the mainspring was - relaxed, the cogwheels would not have anything to do with one another, - and the pendulum would swing only one way. Altogether a disreputable - and ridiculous old instrument. But such as it was, it had stood in - that<span class="pagenum" id="Page_401">401</span> dim old attic, man and boy, for more than thirty years. Its very - infirmities, by exciting pity, had preserved it; not one of the family - would have laid an axe at the root of that piano for as much gold as - could be drawn by a team of the strongest horses.</p> - - <p>Of these rare and valuable animals we shall speak in our next chapter.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_402">402</span> - <h3 id="THE_ALLOTMENT">THE ALLOTMENT</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">“DOUBTLESS we have all great gratitude this night of Thanksgiving. - Doubtless, too, we have ample cause and justification, for the dullest - crack-brain of us all knows that life might have gone harder with - him had the Power that compounds our joys and pains proportioned - differently, to that end, the simples of the mixture.”</p> - - <p>So reading, I fell asleep, for I was full of bird. Straight appeared to - me an angel, the dexter half of whom was white, the sinister, black—the - line of division parting him from the hair down. Two skins of wine - he bore; one wine was clear and sweet, and one was dark and bitter - exceeding, such as would make a pig squeal. I saw, also, at his feet as - he stood, some large glass vessels of even size, marked from bottom to - top with a scale, the divisions numbered upward from 1 to 100.</p> - - <p>“Son of Mortality,” said he, “I am the Compounding Power—behold my - standard mixture.” So saying he poured into one of the vessels 50 parts - of sweet and the same of bitter. “This,” he <span class="pagenum" id="Page_403">403</span>said, “is without taste. - It is for him whom Heaven doth neither bless nor afflict. There is but - one such that liveth.”</p> - - <p>“The devil!” I cried, for indeed I greatly marveled that this should be - so.</p> - - <p>Said the angel: “Guess again.”</p> - - <p>“Compound now, I beseech thee,” I said, “the best that thou hast use - for in thy business: a tipple of surpassing richness—one which maketh - the hair to curl.”</p> - - <p>Thereupon he put into the second vessel 1 part of bitter and 9 of - sweet. And he looked upon it saying: “It is the best that it is - permitted to me to do.”</p> - - <p>“Show me,” I said, “the worst; for truly it must be exceeding fierce, - slaying at eighty rods.”</p> - - <p>“It is bad to take,” he answered, and straightway poured into the third - vessel 10 parts of sweet. Then, upraising the other skin, he filled - the vessel to the brim, and a great compassion fell upon my spirit, - thinking on the unhappy man who should get himself outside that unholy - tope.</p> - - <p>“Behold,” said the angel, “Heaven is just! The ratio of pain to joy in - the lot of the happiest mortal is the same as that of joy to pain in - his who is most wretched. It is 1 to 10.” And after some little time<span class="pagenum" id="Page_404">404</span> - he spake again:</p> - - <p>“I’m a dandy for fairness.”</p> - - <p>“True, O Dandy Allotter,” I said: “the proportions are only reversed. - But these two vessels, the second and the third, holding the good - draught and the bad—lo! the good is but a tenth part full, whilst the - latter overfloweth the vessel. Is each quantity a dose?”</p> - - <p>And the angel said: “Each is a dose.”</p> - - <p>Wherefore I raised my voice against him, and called him out of his - name, and cast my pillow upon him, and he departed out of that place - with a loud cry. Then they that came in haste to my chamber, unbidden, - looked one upon another and said: “He ate of the bird.” </p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_405">405</span> - <h3 id="LACKING_FACTORS">LACKING FACTORS</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">GENDER is the sex of words. But either this matter of sex is - imperfectly understood, or Nature has made faulty provision for the - duality of things; for history and speech show many melancholy examples - of natural celibacy, and Shelley’s dictum that “nothing in the world is - single” must be accepted with the large limitation of a comprehensive - denial. Who ever heard of an alligatrix? The spinster—has she anywhere - a femaler mate, the spinstress? I am told there is an article, a - garment, if I have rightly understood—called a garter, and that it has - commonly a mate, yet I know not if any one has seen a gartress. Nor, - for that matter, a garter. Has the cypress a lord and master known as - the cypor? We hear of personal encounters, but a personal encounter - between two ladies is not an encountress. Every one knows that an - epistle is a female apostle, but why the male mate of the unlisted - himmit should, except for consistency in perversion, be called a - hermit, who can say? Oddly enough, the shero is unknown to fame. Is - there a place beyond<span class="pagenum" id="Page_406">406</span> the grave of the sinner, called Heol, and was its - existence hinted at in the old name for Sheol? In Irish folklore is no - mention of the banhee. An ornithologist of even the widest attainments - will assure you that the queenfisher is an undiscovered fowl. Ancient - history, sacred or profane, is vainly questioned concerning the King - of Heba—whom nevertheless, I love to figure to myself as making a long - journey to lay countless camel loads of gifts at the feet of the very - wisest sovereign in all the world—the queen of the Shebrews.</p> - - <hr class="chap" /> - <div class="chapter"> - <span class="pagenum" id="Page_407">407</span> - <h3 id="A_CALIFORNIAN_STATESMAN">A CALIFORNIAN STATESMAN</h3> - </div> - - <p class="drop-cap">PERSONS who have not had the advantage of hearing about the Hon. Henry - Vrooman in the past ten or twelve years will be surprised to learn that - he is still living. The man has more lives than a ship-load of cats - from Malta. In the past few years he has been dying of heart disease - so fast that he is in danger of becoming extinct. His death-rate is - appalling! He has died in every voting precinct in this part of the - state, and his last words are about to be compiled in three volumes. - Whenever Mr. Vrooman wants “the suffrages of his fellow-citizens” he - gets them together in a hall, makes them a speech, assures them that - his sands of life are pretty nearly run out, closes with some neat and - appropriate patriotic sentiment suitable to the sad occasion, and then - flops down and dies all over the floor. Just before the vital spark is - extinct the meeting is adjourned by turning off the gas and the corpse - is at liberty to rise and go home. The next morning Mr. Vrooman’s - political organ relates how he was snatched from the jaws of death, - though his condition<span class="pagenum" id="Page_408">408</span> is still critical; and the sovereign electors - say: “Well, poor feller, he’s on his last legs anyway—guess it won’t - do much harm to elect him.” The wretch never drew a cent of salary - without committing the crime of obtaining money by false pretenses; he - is always elected on the understanding that he is to die.</p> - - <p>But he doesn’t die—he is immortal. The moment that the “innumerable - caravan” has passed the polling place he drops out of the procession - and hangs about for his certificate of election. Then we hear no more - about his poor heart until his term is about to expire, when it begins - to trouble him again. He and his term generally manage to expire - together in the sure and certain hope of a blessed resurrection.</p> - - <p>In the closing hours of the last session of the state senate somebody - made a motion to limit all speeches to ten minutes. This brought Mr. - Vrooman to his hind feet forthwith. “Mr. President,” he said, “standing - as I do upon the threshold of the Unknown, and turning back to address - my fellow-citizens for the last time, I feel grateful indeed that an - all-wise Providence has so ordered it that my final words can be spoken - in advocacy of the righteous and<span class="pagenum" id="Page_409">409</span> beneficent principle of free speech, - and in denunciation of the reptiles who would limit the liberty of - debate. With a solemn sense of my responsibility to Him from whom I - received my mental powers, and to whom I am so soon to give an account - of my stewardship; gazing with a glazing eye upon the transitory scenes - of earth, about which 'the dark Plutonian shadows gather on the evening - blast’; conscious that the lute-string is about to snap and the pitcher - to be broken at the well, I adjure you, friends of my former days, as - in a whisper from the dark, not to let that motion prevail.”</p> - - <p>Wiping a light froth from his lips, the failing senator, with a friend - under each arm and a half-dozen volunteer pall-bearers following, - solemnly left the chamber to the sound of a dozen busy pens drafting - resolutions of respect.</p> - - <p>A moment later Senator Moffitt walked into the hall, dexterously - caught the presiding officer’s eye, and said: “Mr. President, it is - my mournful duty to apprise this honorable body of my distinguished - colleague’s continued existence. Born of poor but thoughtless parents - and educated as a blacksmith; gifted with a penetrating intelligence - which never failed in the darkest night to <span class="pagenum" id="Page_410">410</span>distinguish a five-dollar - piece from a nickel, yet blessed with an impartial soul which loved - the humbler coin as well, in proportion to its value, as the nobler - one; blessed with a benevolence which relieved alike the rich man and - the poor—the one of his coin, the other of his character; reared in - the principles of religion and giving to the worship of himself an - incredible devotion—this great man moved among the property of his - neighbors, a living instance of the power of personal magnetism and - the strength of political attachment. He was a generous man: one-half - of all that he took with his right hand he bestowed upon his left. He - was a respecter of Truth, and did not profane her with his lips. He - was a patriot: other nations might be more powerful in arms, or more - glorious in history, but America was good enough for him if he could - get it. Withal, he had a tender heart acutely responsive to indigestion - and closely identified with the political history of this state. Mr. - President, I move that when the senate adjourn to go to luncheon it do - so out of respect to the memory of Henry Vrooman. True, he is no deader - than he was when he began to die ten years ago, but, sir, a memorial - adjournment may have a deeper and better significance than is visible<span class="pagenum" id="Page_411">411</span> - in a mere conformity to fact: it may entoken a pious people’s readiness - to submit to a tardy bereavement.”</p> - - <p>Senator Moffitt’s motion was peremptorily and contumeliously declared - out of order, and that erring statesman dejectedly took his seat a - sadder and a nicer man. It saddens to add that he solaced himself - by consuming the public stationery in composing the following - discreditable epitaph:</p> - - <div class="center-container"> - <div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i2">Step lightly, stranger, o’er this holy place,</div> - <div class="i4">Nor push this sacred monument aside,</div> - <div class="i2">Set by his fellow-citizens to grace</div> - <div class="i4">The only spot where Vrooman never died.</div> - <div class="i0">1888.</div> - </div> - </div> - </div> - - <div class="center mt10">THE END</div> - - <div class="transnote mt5"> - <div class="large center mb2"><b>Transcriber’s Notes:</b></div> - <ul class="spaced"> - <li>Blank pages have been removed.</li> - <li>A few obvious typographical errors have been silently corrected, - otherwise deliberately inconsistent or inventive spelling has been left as is.</li> - </ul> - </div> - -<div style='display:block; margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE COLLECTED WORKS OF AMBROSE BIERCE, VOLUME XII ***</div> -<div style='text-align:left'> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will -be renamed. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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