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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..106616f --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #66526 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/66526) diff --git a/old/66526-0.txt b/old/66526-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 9352250..0000000 --- a/old/66526-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1351 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook of No-Risk Planet, by Milton Lesser - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this eBook. - -Title: No-Risk Planet - -Author: Milton Lesser - -Release Date: October 13, 2021 [eBook #66526] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -Produced by: Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online Distributed - Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NO-RISK PLANET *** - - - - -NO-RISK PLANET - -By Milton Lesser - -Sam had sold life insurance to every race -in the galaxy. But on Halcyon he found a people -who not only didn't want it--but didn't need it! - -[Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from -Imagination Stories of Science and Fantasy -March 1955 -Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that -the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.] - - -Interstellar Hotel - -Halcyon City - -Halcyon - - -Mr. Herman Spottsworth - -Interstellar Division - -Terran Insurance Co. - -Baltimore, Md., Earth - - -Dear Boss: - -The natives got a big kick out of it when I told them what the name of -their planet means in English. It means peaceful. From what I could -gather, the first Terran to land here fifty years ago was so impressed -with the balmy climate and pleasant rolling terrain and almost tideless -oceans that he named the planet Halcyon. The only catch is, the natives -have all the food they want and all the natural resources and just -about everything. So, they have nothing to keep them occupied except -fighting wars. They haven't been able to string three peaceful years -together since the beginning of recorded history here, two thousand -years ago. It's kind of like a game with them. - -That being the case, I ought to establish a new record for the -Interstellar Division. I've got to sign off now because the air-raid -bell just rang. Regards to Joanie. - - -Cordially, - -Sammy Trumple - - * * * * * - -Interstellar Division - -Terran Insurance Co. - -Baltimore, Md., Earth - - -Mr. Sammy Trumple - -Halcyon City - -Halcyon - - -Dear Sammy: - -Glad to see you've arrived O.K. and are so impressed with the sales -potential there. Remember the motto of the Interstellar Division: IF -YOU CAN PLANET-FALL, YOU CAN SELL.... - -Yours in sales, - -Herman Spottsworth - - -P.S. Regards from Joanie. - - * * * * * - -Interstellar Hotel - -Halcyon City - -Halcyon - - -Mr. Herman Spottsworth - -Etc. - - -Dear Boss: - -That air-raid was murder! You'd better double my own life insurance -policy. Take the premiums out of my salary, please. Incidentally, your -letter almost got lost because you forgot to include "Interstellar -Hotel" in the address. It's a fifty-room fleabag, boss, but they got -pride. Please take good care of Joanie. - - -Cordially, - -Sammy Trumple - - * * * * * - -Interstellar Division - -Terran Insurance Co. - -Baltimore, Md., Earth - - -Dear Sammy: - -You've been on Halcyon three weeks now. How come you wrote up no -policies yet? You aren't taking the sights in like a tourist, are -you--on a Terran expense account? - - -Yours in sales, - -Herman Spottsworth. - - * * * * * - -143-1/4 East Scjulak Street - -Halcyon City - -Halcyon - - -Dear Boss: - -Please note the new address. The Interstellar Hotel was blown to bits -in the last air-raid. I'm scared, boss. There are air-raids around the -clock, with Halcyonians dropping off like flies. - -And that answers your question, incidentally. There are no tourists on -Halcyon. It's too dangerous. Better quadruple my own life insurance -policy. And tell Joan I love her. - - -Frantically, - -Sammy Trumple - - * * * * * - -Interstellar Division - -Terran Insurance Co. - -Baltimore, Md., Earth - - -Dear Sammy: - -I've quadrupled your policy. I'm taking care of Joanie. I'm awaiting -your first sale. - - -Spottsworth - - * * * * * - -143-1/4 East Scjulak Street - -Halcyon City - -Halcyon - - -Dear Boss: - -I'm trying. I'm trying my head off. With those big premiums to pay, -don't you think I could use the commission? - -There's something fishy going on here on Halcyon, but I can't figure -it out yet. The way they get killed off in these wars, the Halcyonians -ought to snap up insurance policies. In fact, I don't even know how -much profit the Company could expect to make from them, but that's -your department. It's funny, though. The Halcyonians don't want life -insurance. They don't even know what life insurance is! - -To give you an idea of what I mean, I'll quote verbatim a conversation -I had with a couple of Halcyonians right after this morning's air-raid, -which leveled every building on their block except their own. - -ME: Good morning, folks. You're mighty lucky people, yes siree. - -FIRST HALCYONIAN: Why are we lucky? - -ME: You're the only survivors on your whole block. - -SECOND HALCYONIAN (shrugging): So what? - -ME: So what? So you could have been killed in that air-raid, that's -what. - -SECOND HALCYONIAN (shrugging again): So what? - -ME: (tuning my language translator to its most cheerful pitch): I'm -from the planet Earth. Did you ever hear of the planet Earth? - -FIRST AND SECOND HALCYONIAN: No. - -ME (hopefully): It's also called Terra. Near Sirius? - -FIRST AND SECOND HALCYONIAN: No. - -ME: Well, anyhow, I represent the Terran Insurance Company, -Interstellar Division. I'm here on Halcyon to offer your loved ones -financial protection from the ravages of war, via life insurance. - -FIRST HALCYONIAN: Which insurance? - -ME: Life insurance. The special, triple indemnity war and disaster -policy of the Terran Insurance Company. - -FIRST HALCYONIAN: I never heard of life insurance. What does it do? - -ME: I have here in my hand (this required some explanation, boss, -because the Halcyonians do not have hands) a blank policy for you to -look at. Life insurance, you see, pays a stipulated sum to a party of -your designation in the event of your death. All you do is pay small -yearly premiums, and.... - -SECOND HALCYONIAN: Oh, like the fellow from Fomalhaut. - -ME (gasping): What? There's another insurance salesman in my territory? -Someone's poaching? - -SECOND HALCYONIAN: He's been here some time now, but we couldn't -possibly be interested. - -ME: The Fomalhautian's policy offers you more? - -FIRST HALCYONIAN: Really, we couldn't be less interested. But the -answer to your question is no. - -ME: Is he still here in Halcyon City? - -SECOND HALCYONIAN: Who? - -ME: The insurance salesman from Fomalhaut. - -SECOND HALCYONIAN: I think so. His name, I believe, is Lar Luk. You -could look him up in the city register. - -ME: I sure will. And thank you, folks. - -FIRST HALCYONIAN: You're wasting your time, Mr. Terra. - -ME: No, that's my planet. My name is Trumple. - -FIRST HALCYONIAN: Well, Terra or whatever your name is, you won't sell -any of those dohinkuses here. - -Well, that's the conversation, boss. Half an hour later, the two -Halcyonians got their breathing vents ruptured in the air-raid and -died of strangulation. I'll bet you're glad I didn't sell _those_ two -policies! - - -Yours still hopefully, - -Sammy Trumple - - -P.S. I intend to look up this guy from Fomalhaut. - - * * * * * - -Interstellar Division - -Terran Insurance Company - -Baltimore, Md., Earth - - -Dear Sammy: - -Six weeks now without a sale. What's the matter with you? Getting soft? -Homesick? Joanie is all right, I assure you. Hell's bells, man, IF YOU -CAN PLANET-FALL, YOU CAN SELL. And by the way, you go right ahead and -sell 'em. Let the boys in the actuary department worry about having to -pay off immediately. We're sales, Sammy. Sales. - -Why don't you go out into the grass roots somewhere, where this bird -from Fomalhaut hasn't tried his hand? Maybe he's soured all the -Halcyonians on life insurance with the wrong approach. Over-aggressive -or something. - -Buck up, Sammy. I've still got a little faith in you. Explore. -Consider. Sweat. Sell. - - -Yours in sales, - -Herman Spottsworth - - * * * * * - -Rmpldecroidesanspertxkle - -Halcyon - - -Dear Boss: - -I'm out here in Rmpldecroidesanspertxkle trying your suggestion -about the grass roots. It's a small town, population under two -thousand, without an important war industry. You'd think it would -be safe from air-raids, but it's not. As I told you when I first -reached Halcyon, they have no real reason for war. War is like a game -with them. Their best bombers are sent out after hospital ships, I -understand. 'Tennyrate, tomorrow I'm going to try my luck here in -Rmpldecroidesanspertxkle. - -Meanwhile, I have something of interest to report. Remember that guy I -mentioned, Lar Luk, the insurance salesman from Fomalhaut? I met him in -Halcyon City before I took the monorail to Rmpldecroidesanspertxkle, -and we had a long talk. - -I said, "I hope you don't think I'm poaching on your territory, Mr. -Luk." I then turned down the translator to soft obsequious. "I assure -you, that's not the way Terran Insurance operates. We didn't know you -were here." - -"That's quite all right," Lar Luk told me. "You can have the whole -planet for all I care." - -"Are you going back to Fomalhaut?" I asked hopefully. - -"Goodness, no. I had my savings shipped here to Halcyon and started a -munitions plant. I'm making a fortune." - -I next asked Lar Luk (translator on shocked voice) about his Company -Loyalty. He said, "That's a lot of (CENSORED BY MY TRANSLATOR)! When in -Rome, heh-heh...." It seems every civilized planet has an author who -said something like "when in Rome, etc." - -"You didn't happen to try the grass roots, did you?" I asked with my -translator in indifferent because I didn't want Lar Luk to get the idea -I was eager and maybe try it himself. - -"Friend," admitted Lar Luk, "I tried everything. Without any success. -Say, why don't you come into munitions with me? There's a whole colony -of extra-halcyonian insurance salesmen going into munitions here. I -could use a partner." - -That ended our conversation. I'm going to cold-canvas -Rmpldecroidesanspertxkle in the morning. I'll keep in touch. - - -Pessimistically, - -Sammy Trumple - - * * * * * - -XXX--SUBSPACEGRAM--XXX FROM HERMAN SPOTTSWORTH INTERSTELLAR -DIVISION TERRAN INSURANCE COMPANY BALTIMEARTH XXX TO SAMMY TRUMPLE -RMPLDECROIDESANSPERTXKLE HALCYON XXX DON'T GO GETTING ANY IDEAS FROM -THIS LAR LUK FELLOW XXX REMEMBER YOUR COMPANY LOYALTY XXX REMEMBER OUR -MOTTO XXX REMEMBER ALL THOSE PREMIUMS YOU HAVE TO PAY XXX THE CHIEF -OF SALES WANTS RESULTS SOON XXX. I WANT RESULTS SOON XXX OTHERWISE -HE'LL HAVE MY HEAD XXX I'LL HAVE YOUR HEAD SPOTTSWORTH XXX TRANSMITTED -VIA ALPHA CENTAURI SUBSPACE STATION XXX SEND FLOWERS BY SUBSPACE TO -ANY PART OF MILKYWAY GALAXY AT NO EXTRA COST XXX QUARTERLY SPECIAL: -ARCHENAR III DRAGON BLOSSOMS XXX ALPHACENT XXX - - * * * * * - -Rmpldecroidesanspertxkle - -Halcyon - - -Dear Boss: - -You don't have to worry about _my_ company loyalty. But still, no -sales. Unfortunately, half of Rmpldecroidesanspertxkle was wiped -out yesterday in an air-raid. I'm lucky I came through it with a -whole skin. I went through the hospitals and first aid stations to -canvas what was left of the population. They're just not buying. They -can't--or refuse to--grasp the meaning of life insurance. The following -conversation is typical: - -ME: But in a devastating war like this, you _need_ protection. -Most other insurance companies wouldn't issue policies under the -circumstances. You can consider it an interstellar public service by -Terran Insurance. - -IT: What do I need life insurance for? - -ME: Don't you have a family? Loved ones? People you'd like to see cared -for after your--uh--that is, if you're suddenly not around to take care -of the bills and things, if you.... - -IT: You mean if I drop dead? - -ME: Yes, sir. - -IT: What the hell for? - -ME: One never knows when he is going to, uh, drop dead. - -IT: No. I mean what the hell do I want an insurance policy for? - -ME: Statistics demonstrate that everyone wants the security of a life -insurance policy. - -IT: I don't. - -So, that's the way it goes. I've had another idea, though. How does -this strike you, boss? The local Army commander has his headquarters -not far from Rmpldecroidesanspertxkle. Since the whole planet is under -military rule because of the constant warfare, I figure if I can sell -a policy to General Multacni, I could then sell every dogfoot in his -command. How does the idea strike you? - - -With a glimmer of hope, - -Sammy Trumple - - * * * * * - -Interstellar Division - -Terran Insurance Co. - -Baltimore, Md., Earth - - -Dear Sammy: - -Now you're firing away on all jets, boy! Now you're good Terran -Insurance material. You're darned tooting, sell the general. We'll have -it made after that. - - -Enthusiastically, - -Hermie - -P.S. I take back everything I may have said about you in haste, dear -boy. You're A-1 Terran Insurance all the way. P.P.S. Joanie is -languishing, she misses you so much. Make a couple of dozen sales to -cover your expense account and we'll think about getting you home on -the next ship. - - * * * * * - -MILITARY TWX FROM SUPREME COMMANDER HALCYON SUBDIVISION THREE CMM -OFFICE OF MILITARY JUSTICE CMM TO CLN MR H SPOTTSWORTH CMM INTERSTELLAR -DIVISION CMM TERRAN INSURANCE CMM BALTIMEARTH DASH PENDING TRIAL OR -APPEAL OF YOUR STATE DEPARTMENT CMM WHICHEVER COMES FIRST CMM WE ARE -HOLDING TERRAN CITIZEN S TRUMPLE UNDER PROVISIONS OF ARTICLE SEVEN CMM -HALCYON CODE OF MILITARY JUSTICE PD PARA ARTICLE SEVEN READS CLN QUOTE -ANY INDIVIDUAL ATTEMPTING SUBVERSION OF MORAL WELFARE OF OFFICERS OR -ENLISTED MEN CMM THIS COMMAND CMM IS SUBJECT TO IMPRISONMENT FOR NOT -MORE THAN TWENTY FIVE HALCYONIAN YEARS PD ENDQUOTE PARA PLEASE ADVISE -PD PARA FOR THE COMMANDING GENERAL CMM LIEUT DASH MAJ ROG GO FURL CMM -HALCYON SUBDIVISION THREE CMM OFFICE OF MILITARY JUSTICE PD END TWX - - * * * * * - -Subdivision Three Stockade - -Halcyon - - -Dear Boss: - -Lar Luk of Fomalhaut is forwarding this letter for me. Help!!! - - -Sammy Trumple - - * * * * * - -Interstellar Division - -Terran Insurance Co. - -Baltimore, Md., Earth - - -Commanding General - -Subdivision Three - -Halcyon - - -Dear Sir: - -With Terran State Department approval, I am writing you in regard to -the case of our employee, Mr. S. Trumple of Earth. With full State -Department backing we insist that you permit Mr. Trumple to tell us, -uncensored and in his own words, what has happened, in order that we -may take steps to defend him as a citizen of Earth. - - -Very truly yours, - -Herman Spottsworth - - * * * * * - -Subdivision Three Stockade - -Halcyon - - -Dear Boss: - -Lieutenant Major Roggo Furl informs me that I'm permitted to write you -an uncensored letter. Boss, I'm in the dregs of despair. Please take -good care of Joanie. - -It's cold here in the stockade. The food stinks. The other prisoners -are all Halcyonian military deserters. Get me out of here! - -But I better calm down and try to tell you what happened from the -beginning. As I already told you, I decided to try and sell General -Multacni a life insurance policy. It took me two hours working my -way through the chain of command before I could even get to see the -General. When I finally did, I found myself facing a huge figure in -military uniform--huge even by Halcyonian standards. General Multacni -is probably nine feet tall. - -At first he was courteous. He listened politely, taking time out every -now and then to direct a bombing raid by radio, while I explained to -him exactly what life insurance was and what he could expect from the -Terran policy. Like everyone else on Halcyon, he said he didn't need -life insurance. - -"See here, sir," I said, translator polite but not obsequious. "War is -dangerous business. You never know when your number is going to be up." - -The General's office rumbled with laughter as he said, "Mr. Terran--" -they all call me that "--I'm indestructible." As you probably know, -that's a typical military career man's attitude. They all think they -are indestructible. The other fellow will die in the trenches or the -raids, not them. Even on Earth we have trouble selling our policies to -the military. - -I tried a different tack, the one approved for military customers on -Earth. "Well, General," I said, "someday this war is going to be over. -Someday you're going to retire to a farm somewhere in the good rich -land around Rmpldecroidesanspertxkle. You'll raise chickens--" which -the translator translated to the Halcyonian equivalent, of course -"--and bounce your little grandchildren on your knee. And then, way off -in the dim future, General, years and years from now after you've lived -a rich, full life, you're going to succumb to natural causes. And, if -not sooner--and we certainly hope it won't be sooner--that's when your -family will need this insurance policy I have for you." - -"The war isn't going to end," General Multacni told me. - -"But someday, when your side is victorious, and--" - -"Victorious?" His translator buzzed, repeating the word syllable for -syllable. - -"What is that?" - -"When you win the war." - -"Win it? But we're not going to win it, Mr. Terran." - -"Things can't be that bad," I consoled the General giving him my best -you're-down-in-the-dumps-now-but-wait-till-later smile. "Maybe the -enemy has you on the run just now, but you'll emerge victorious--you'll -win--in the end." Of course, I would have told the same thing to -General Multacni's opposite number in the opposing camp. I'm no -authority on Halcyonian military matters, but under the circumstances -it seemed the correct thing to say. - -General Multacni stood up. "I must consider this interview at an -end, Mr. Terran," he said frostily. "And I advise you to keep such -subversive thoughts to yourself in the future. I'm a broad-minded -Halcyonian, but--" And the General let his voice trail off ominously. - -I figured he had battle fatigue, boss. Nobody could talk like that in -his right mind, not even a general on a planet which is engaging in -warfare almost constantly. Anyhow, I had to find out. Wandering through -the military reservation on my way back to Rmpl, I chanced upon a -non-commissioned officer's club. Here was the place to find out once -and for all! I would speak to the NCO's who probably had families and -probably were in danger of shipping out to the warfronts at any time. - -I went inside and I spoke. Maybe I made too much like a soap box -orator, I don't know. I don't know. I told them they would need -insurance during the war, and after the war. I told them our policies -would give them solace in these trying times, mitigating some of their -worries during the necessary horrors of their struggle for existence. -When finished, there wasn't a sound in the whole vast room. Boss, I -thought we had them. I brought out a pad of policies and was ready to -start scribbling names. - -Then the military police came in and arrested me. - -You know the rest. How I was taken to the subdivision stockades, given -a medical exam (for some reason, a small slice of flesh was taken from -my rump. I won't miss it, but I couldn't sit down for two days), told -that I was being held under the provisions of article seven of some -kind of code of military justice. Me, subversive. When all I want to do -is sell insurance policies. Boss, please get me the heck off this nutty -planet. - - -Tragically, - -Sammy Trumple - - * * * * * - -Terran Consulate - -Halcyon City - -Halcyon - - -Department of State - -Halcyon Subdivision Three - - -Sirs: - -Please explain the charges under which Terran citizen Samuel Trumple is -being held in military prison. - - -Walter M. Foggarty - -Asst. Consul - - * * * * * - -Department of State - -Halcyon Subdivision Three - - -Mr. Walter M. Foggarty - -Terran Consulate - -Halcyon City - - -Dear Mr. Foggarty: - -We hasten to respond to your note of yesterday and wish to thank you -for the diplomacy, tact and patience you have displayed in this matter. -We of Halcyon are firm believers in reincarnation of the individual -after death, as you may know if you've read Stoy's ANTHROPOLOGICALLY -SPEAKING: A Study of Sixty Seven Galactic Societies, or attended any of -our religious services. - -Now, since we believe in reincarnation (off the record, I'm a -free-thinker, myself) and since every individual certainly can't be -born with the proverbial silver feeder in his mandibles, death is an -adventure eagerly anticipated by most Halcyonians, who have hopes that -their station in life will be improved in their next incarnation, -although they believe, of course, that they will maintain their -individuality, their _elan vital_, if you wish, in the subsequent -incarnation. - -Terran Citizen Trumple was guilty of the worst sort of subversion when -he spoke of an end to warfare. Naturally, there are some atheistic -pacifists on Halcyon who would like to see war abolished and more -people live out their current incarnations, but this dangerous -minority is constantly hunted down. However, we recognize extenuating -circumstances in the case of Terran citizen Trumple. He is, of -course, unfamiliar with our way of life. That being the case, I have -recommended to the military authorities that he be pardoned without -trial. I will keep you informed. - - -Most sincerely, - -Aleg Trogonommo - -Sec'y for resident extra-Halcyonians - - * * * * * - -Terran Consulate - -Halcyon City - -Halcyon - - -Mr. Herman Spottsworth - -Interstellar Division - -Terran Insurance Company - -Baltimore, Md., Earth - - -Dear Mr. Spottsworth: - -The enclosed communication from Trogonommo is self-evident. Feel better? - - -Foggarty - - * * * * * - -Interstellar Division - -Terran Insurance Co. - -Baltimore, Md., Earth - - -Dear Sammy: - -Keep your chin up, boy. It's only a matter of time now. Joanie's fine. - - -Hermie - - * * * * * - -MEMO: - -TO: The Commanding General - -FROM: Lieut-Major Roggo Furl, Office of Military Justice - -SUBJECT: The Terran Sammy Trumple - - -1. Trogonommo of State wants us to go easy on the prisoner, Trumple. - -2. It is my feeling, though, that in the best interests of Halcyon, an -example should be made of the Terran Trumple. The General realizes, I'm -sure, that the colony of extra-halcyonians on Halcyon is growing. They -must learn to consider Halcyonian culture as inviolate. - -3. Accordingly, I recommend we go ahead with trial of Terran Trumple. - - -Signed - -Roggo Furl - -Lieut-Major - - * * * * * - -MEMO: - -TO: Lieut-Major Roggo Furl, Office of Military Justice - -FROM: The Commanding General - -SUBJECT: The Terran Sammy Trumple - - -1. Sorry, Furl. Trogonommo has more political friends than a Veterans' -Legion Commander. - -2. However, I quite agree with you. An example must be made of Trumple. - -3. But not through a military court of justice. That's political -dynamite. - -4. I'd like to suggest that Trumple be allowed to make an attempted -escape. He can be killed while fleeing. That should teach everyone a -lesson, Trumple included. - -5. The details of this attempted escape are in your hands. I suggest -you use Lar Luk of Fomalhaut as a go-between, however. And make sure -Trumple is killed! - -6. After you read it, burn this letter. - - -Unsigned - - * * * * * - -143-1/4 East Scjulak Street - -Halcyon City - -Halcyon - - -Dear Boss: - -Have I got news for you! - -A few days ago, Lar Luk--the ex-insurance salesman from -Fomalhaut--visited me at the stockade. You could tell something was -going on because Luk, usually a loud extrovert, spoke in conspiratorial -whispers. - -"They are going ahead with your trial," he said. - -"How do you know?" - -"I am in a position to know. I think you're being treated unjustly, -Sammy. I came here to do something about it." - -Boss, I was desperate. Despite your encouraging note, I didn't know -which way to turn. I said, "Like what?" - -And Luk leaned forward to whisper: "Like helping you escape." - -He clamped a flipper over my mouth before I could blurt out something -which would give us away. I calmed down and said: "Can we do it?" - -"We can try. We have to try." - -"When?" I asked. - -"Tonight, after I leave, after it's dark. I had to get special -dispensation to visit you. They won't let me visit you again." - -"But what ... how...." I'm no intriguer, boss. I felt like a pawn in -this game--but a pawn who was about to be checkmated unless he did -something about it. - -"Here," said Lar Luk, thrusting something into my hand. "This is a -Fomalhautian freezer, Sammy. You'll stop anybody dead in his tracks -with it. When they come to your cell tonight and bring your meal...." -Lar Luk didn't finish the sentence. - -"You'll be waiting for me outside?" - -"Yes. With a jetcopter, my friend. It won't be long now." - -And Lar Luk was gone. I examined the weapon he had given me. It looked -deadly, all right, with a dull metal finish and a wicked, funnel-like -snout. I was ready, but I didn't see how I would get through the -afternoon. - -I tried to sleep. I couldn't. I tried to think of you and Joanie and -what it would be like back on Earth. I couldn't concentrate. It grew -dark slowly, the way it does on Halcyon. I thought they never would -come with my supper. I thought they were starving me before the trial -so I would confess readily. Then I began to think that maybe someone -had seen Lar Luk give me the weapon. Perhaps the cell was wired and -every word we said was heard in the stockade commander's office. - -Then I heard footsteps in the corridor. It always sounds like more -than one person, the Halcyonians having more legs than we do. I stood -there at the door of my cell, waiting. I could feel my heart fluttering -around inside me, like a bird. - -The cell door opened. - -At first I was going to use Lar Luk's weapon, but I didn't know what -kind of noise it would make. He hadn't told me. Instead, I used the -butt of the gun, banging it down across the guard's head. He slumped -at my feet. I hoped I hadn't hurt him too badly. I even hoped Lar -Luk's weapon was effective but not lethal. I had nothing against the -Halcyonians. I just wanted to escape. - -Out into the corridor I ran, passing three cross-corridors before I -reached the stockade quadrangle. In the halls, I met no one. So far, I -was lucky. But then.... - -"Halt! Who goes there?" - -A guard in the quadrangle challenging me! - -I was trembling so much I had to hold Lar Luk's weapon in both hands to -fire it. It made a noise like a siren. - -The guard didn't fall. He kept coming. - -I fired again. - -It was a siren. - -Lar Luk had tricked me. - -You can imagine the pickle I was in, boss. The siren summoned more -guards, who came at me from all directions. I tried to get away, -pounding across the pavement of the quadrangle. From somewhere, a -searchlight cut a bright yellow swath across the quadrangle. It found -me and held me. - -One of the guards fired a blaster, hitting me in the base of the skull -and killing me instantly. - -Cordially, - -Sammy Trumple - - * * * * * - -Interstellar Division - -Terran Insurance Co. - -Baltimore, Md., Earth - - -Dear Sammy: - -I'm glad you managed to get away, but quit pulling my leg, will you? -So the guard killed you--and then you sat down and wrote me a letter. -Please tell me what really happened. - -By the way, I have great news for you. Joanie had a litter of four -pups, all spotted brown and white and cute as the dickens. I'm sending -two of them to you by Subspace Express. - -And let me know what happened, will you? - - -Yours in sales, - -Hermie - - * * * * * - -Rmpldecroidesanspertxkle - -Halcyon - - -Dear Hermie: - -This letter is being smuggled out to you by a friend because it never -would pass the Halcyonian censor. They have a good thing and they want -to keep it to themselves as much as possible and I can't blame them. - -Thanks for sending along the pups. I'll be waiting for them. Give -Joanie a pat on the head for me. - -Incidentally, cancel all my insurance policies. And I quit the -company, effective immediately. I'm staying here on Halcyon. - -I wasn't pulling your leg, Hermie. You remember I told you a slice -of flesh was taken from my rump at the stockade. That's how the -Halcyonians have developed their reincarnation process. They've learned -a way to duplicate an individual artificially using a sample of his -hereditary genes from the slice of flesh. Every Halcyonian has his -slice on file of course. The new embryo is then grown rapidly, in a -matter of a few days. - -Lar Luk and I figured it's about time heavy industry came to -Rmpldecroidesanspertxkle. We're opening a new munitions factory here, -which suits the Halcyonians fine. Most of them are in favor of war -because they'd like to better their position in life and might do it -next time around on the new incarnation. - -This reincarnation sure as hell beats life insurance, doesn't it? - - -With fond regards, - -Sammy - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NO-RISK PLANET *** - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the -United States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online -at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you -are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the -country where you are located before using this eBook. -</div> - -<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: No-Risk Planet</p> - -<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: Milton Lesser</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: October 13, 2021 [eBook #66526]</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Character set encoding: UTF-8</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Produced by: Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net</div> - -<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NO-RISK PLANET ***</div> - -<div class="titlepage"> - -<h1>NO-RISK PLANET</h1> - -<h2>By Milton Lesser</h2> - -<p>Sam had sold life insurance to every race<br /> -in the galaxy. But on Halcyon he found a people<br /> -who not only didn't want it—but didn't need it!</p> - -<p>[Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from<br /> -Imagination Stories of Science and Fantasy<br /> -March 1955<br /> -Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that<br /> -the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]</p> - -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<p>Interstellar Hotel<br /> -Halcyon City<br /> -Halcyon</p> - -<p>Mr. Herman Spottsworth<br /> -Interstellar Division<br /> -Terran Insurance Co.<br /> -Baltimore, Md., Earth</p> - - -<p>Dear Boss:</p> - -<p>The natives got a big kick out of it when I told them what the name of -their planet means in English. It means peaceful. From what I could -gather, the first Terran to land here fifty years ago was so impressed -with the balmy climate and pleasant rolling terrain and almost tideless -oceans that he named the planet Halcyon. The only catch is, the natives -have all the food they want and all the natural resources and just -about everything. So, they have nothing to keep them occupied except -fighting wars. They haven't been able to string three peaceful years -together since the beginning of recorded history here, two thousand -years ago. It's kind of like a game with them.</p> - -<p>That being the case, I ought to establish a new record for the -Interstellar Division. I've got to sign off now because the air-raid -bell just rang. Regards to Joanie.</p> - - -<p class="ph1">Cordially,<br /> -Sammy Trumple</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Interstellar Division -Terran Insurance Co.<br /> -Baltimore, Md., Earth</p> - -<p>Mr. Sammy Trumple<br /> -Halcyon City<br /> -Halcyon</p> - - -<p>Dear Sammy:</p> - -<p>Glad to see you've arrived O.K. and are so impressed with the sales -potential there. Remember the motto of the Interstellar Division: IF -YOU CAN PLANET-FALL, YOU CAN SELL....</p> - - -<p class="ph1">Yours in sales,<br /> -Herman Spottsworth</p> - - -<p>P.S. Regards from Joanie.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<p>Interstellar Hotel<br /> -Halcyon City<br /> -Halcyon</p> - -<p>Mr. Herman Spottsworth<br /> -Etc.</p> - - -<p>Dear Boss:</p> - -<p>That air-raid was murder! You'd better double my own life insurance -policy. Take the premiums out of my salary, please. Incidentally, your -letter almost got lost because you forgot to include "Interstellar -Hotel" in the address. It's a fifty-room fleabag, boss, but they got -pride. Please take good care of Joanie.</p> - - -<p class="ph1">Cordially,<br /> -Sammy Trumple</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="figcenter"> - <img src="images/illus.jpg" alt=""/> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<p>Interstellar Division<br /> -Terran Insurance Co.<br /> -Baltimore, Md., Earth</p> - -<p>Dear Sammy:</p> - - -<p>You've been on Halcyon three weeks now. How come you wrote up no -policies yet? You aren't taking the sights in like a tourist, are -you—on a Terran expense account?</p> - - -<p class="ph1">Yours in sales,<br /> -Herman Spottsworth.</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<p>143-1/4 East Scjulak Street<br /> -Halcyon City<br /> -Halcyon</p> - -<p>Dear Boss:</p> - - -<p>Please note the new address. The Interstellar Hotel was blown to bits -in the last air-raid. I'm scared, boss. There are air-raids around the -clock, with Halcyonians dropping off like flies.</p> - -<p>And that answers your question, incidentally. There are no tourists on -Halcyon. It's too dangerous. Better quadruple my own life insurance -policy. And tell Joan I love her.</p> - - -<p class="ph1">Frantically,<br /> -Sammy Trumple</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<p>Interstellar Division<br /> -Terran Insurance Co.<br /> -Baltimore, Md., Earth</p> - -<p>Dear Sammy:</p> - - -<p>I've quadrupled your policy. I'm taking care of Joanie. I'm awaiting -your first sale.</p> - - -<p class="ph1">Spottsworth</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<p>143-1/4 East Scjulak Street<br /> -Halcyon City<br /> -Halcyon</p> - -<p>Dear Boss:</p> - - -<p>I'm trying. I'm trying my head off. With those big premiums to pay, -don't you think I could use the commission?</p> - -<p>There's something fishy going on here on Halcyon, but I can't figure -it out yet. The way they get killed off in these wars, the Halcyonians -ought to snap up insurance policies. In fact, I don't even know how -much profit the Company could expect to make from them, but that's -your department. It's funny, though. The Halcyonians don't want life -insurance. They don't even know what life insurance is!</p> - -<p>To give you an idea of what I mean, I'll quote verbatim a conversation -I had with a couple of Halcyonians right after this morning's air-raid, -which leveled every building on their block except their own.</p> - -<p>ME: Good morning, folks. You're mighty lucky people, yes siree.</p> - -<p>FIRST HALCYONIAN: Why are we lucky?</p> - -<p>ME: You're the only survivors on your whole block.</p> - -<p>SECOND HALCYONIAN (shrugging): So what?</p> - -<p>ME: So what? So you could have been killed in that air-raid, that's -what.</p> - -<p>SECOND HALCYONIAN (shrugging again): So what?</p> - -<p>ME: (tuning my language translator to its most cheerful pitch): I'm -from the planet Earth. Did you ever hear of the planet Earth?</p> - -<p>FIRST AND SECOND HALCYONIAN: No.</p> - -<p>ME (hopefully): It's also called Terra. Near Sirius?</p> - -<p>FIRST AND SECOND HALCYONIAN: No.</p> - -<p>ME: Well, anyhow, I represent the Terran Insurance Company, -Interstellar Division. I'm here on Halcyon to offer your loved ones -financial protection from the ravages of war, via life insurance.</p> - -<p>FIRST HALCYONIAN: Which insurance?</p> - -<p>ME: Life insurance. The special, triple indemnity war and disaster -policy of the Terran Insurance Company.</p> - -<p>FIRST HALCYONIAN: I never heard of life insurance. What does it do?</p> - -<p>ME: I have here in my hand (this required some explanation, boss, -because the Halcyonians do not have hands) a blank policy for you to -look at. Life insurance, you see, pays a stipulated sum to a party of -your designation in the event of your death. All you do is pay small -yearly premiums, and....</p> - -<p>SECOND HALCYONIAN: Oh, like the fellow from Fomalhaut.</p> - -<p>ME (gasping): What? There's another insurance salesman in my territory? -Someone's poaching?</p> - -<p>SECOND HALCYONIAN: He's been here some time now, but we couldn't -possibly be interested.</p> - -<p>ME: The Fomalhautian's policy offers you more?</p> - -<p>FIRST HALCYONIAN: Really, we couldn't be less interested. But the -answer to your question is no.</p> - -<p>ME: Is he still here in Halcyon City?</p> - -<p>SECOND HALCYONIAN: Who?</p> - -<p>ME: The insurance salesman from Fomalhaut.</p> - -<p>SECOND HALCYONIAN: I think so. His name, I believe, is Lar Luk. You -could look him up in the city register.</p> - -<p>ME: I sure will. And thank you, folks.</p> - -<p>FIRST HALCYONIAN: You're wasting your time, Mr. Terra.</p> - -<p>ME: No, that's my planet. My name is Trumple.</p> - -<p>FIRST HALCYONIAN: Well, Terra or whatever your name is, you won't sell -any of those dohinkuses here.</p> - -<p>Well, that's the conversation, boss. Half an hour later, the two -Halcyonians got their breathing vents ruptured in the air-raid and -died of strangulation. I'll bet you're glad I didn't sell <i>those</i> two -policies!</p> - - -<p class="ph1">Yours still hopefully,<br /> -Sammy Trumple</p> - - -<p>P.S. I intend to look up this guy from Fomalhaut.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<p>Interstellar Division<br /> -Terran Insurance Company<br /> -Baltimore, Md., Earth</p> - -<p>Dear Sammy:</p> - - -<p>Six weeks now without a sale. What's the matter with you? Getting soft? -Homesick? Joanie is all right, I assure you. Hell's bells, man, IF YOU -CAN PLANET-FALL, YOU CAN SELL. And by the way, you go right ahead and -sell 'em. Let the boys in the actuary department worry about having to -pay off immediately. We're sales, Sammy. Sales.</p> - -<p>Why don't you go out into the grass roots somewhere, where this bird -from Fomalhaut hasn't tried his hand? Maybe he's soured all the -Halcyonians on life insurance with the wrong approach. Over-aggressive -or something.</p> - -<p>Buck up, Sammy. I've still got a little faith in you. Explore. -Consider. Sweat. Sell.</p> - - -<p class="ph1">Yours in sales,<br /> -Herman Spottsworth</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<p>Rmpldecroidesanspertxkle<br /> -Halcyon</p> - -<p>Dear Boss:</p> - - -<p>I'm out here in Rmpldecroidesanspertxkle trying your suggestion -about the grass roots. It's a small town, population under two -thousand, without an important war industry. You'd think it would -be safe from air-raids, but it's not. As I told you when I first -reached Halcyon, they have no real reason for war. War is like a game -with them. Their best bombers are sent out after hospital ships, I -understand. 'Tennyrate, tomorrow I'm going to try my luck here in -Rmpldecroidesanspertxkle.</p> - -<p>Meanwhile, I have something of interest to report. Remember that guy I -mentioned, Lar Luk, the insurance salesman from Fomalhaut? I met him in -Halcyon City before I took the monorail to Rmpldecroidesanspertxkle, -and we had a long talk.</p> - -<p>I said, "I hope you don't think I'm poaching on your territory, Mr. -Luk." I then turned down the translator to soft obsequious. "I assure -you, that's not the way Terran Insurance operates. We didn't know you -were here."</p> - -<p>"That's quite all right," Lar Luk told me. "You can have the whole -planet for all I care."</p> - -<p>"Are you going back to Fomalhaut?" I asked hopefully.</p> - -<p>"Goodness, no. I had my savings shipped here to Halcyon and started a -munitions plant. I'm making a fortune."</p> - -<p>I next asked Lar Luk (translator on shocked voice) about his Company -Loyalty. He said, "That's a lot of (CENSORED BY MY TRANSLATOR)! When in -Rome, heh-heh...." It seems every civilized planet has an author who -said something like "when in Rome, etc."</p> - -<p>"You didn't happen to try the grass roots, did you?" I asked with my -translator in indifferent because I didn't want Lar Luk to get the idea -I was eager and maybe try it himself.</p> - -<p>"Friend," admitted Lar Luk, "I tried everything. Without any success. -Say, why don't you come into munitions with me? There's a whole colony -of extra-halcyonian insurance salesmen going into munitions here. I -could use a partner."</p> - -<p>That ended our conversation. I'm going to cold-canvas -Rmpldecroidesanspertxkle in the morning. I'll keep in touch.</p> - - -<p class="ph1">Pessimistically,<br /> -Sammy Trumple</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>XXX—SUBSPACEGRAM—XXX FROM HERMAN SPOTTSWORTH INTERSTELLAR -DIVISION TERRAN INSURANCE COMPANY BALTIMEARTH XXX TO SAMMY TRUMPLE -RMPLDECROIDESANSPERTXKLE HALCYON XXX DON'T GO GETTING ANY IDEAS FROM -THIS LAR LUK FELLOW XXX REMEMBER YOUR COMPANY LOYALTY XXX REMEMBER OUR -MOTTO XXX REMEMBER ALL THOSE PREMIUMS YOU HAVE TO PAY XXX THE CHIEF -OF SALES WANTS RESULTS SOON XXX. I WANT RESULTS SOON XXX OTHERWISE -HE'LL HAVE MY HEAD XXX I'LL HAVE YOUR HEAD SPOTTSWORTH XXX TRANSMITTED -VIA ALPHA CENTAURI SUBSPACE STATION XXX SEND FLOWERS BY SUBSPACE TO -ANY PART OF MILKYWAY GALAXY AT NO EXTRA COST XXX QUARTERLY SPECIAL: -ARCHENAR III DRAGON BLOSSOMS XXX ALPHACENT XXX</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<p>Rmpldecroidesanspertxkle<br /> -Halcyon</p> - -<p>Dear Boss:</p> - - -<p>You don't have to worry about <i>my</i> company loyalty. But still, no -sales. Unfortunately, half of Rmpldecroidesanspertxkle was wiped -out yesterday in an air-raid. I'm lucky I came through it with a -whole skin. I went through the hospitals and first aid stations to -canvas what was left of the population. They're just not buying. They -can't—or refuse to—grasp the meaning of life insurance. The following -conversation is typical:</p> - -<p>ME: But in a devastating war like this, you <i>need</i> protection. -Most other insurance companies wouldn't issue policies under the -circumstances. You can consider it an interstellar public service by -Terran Insurance.</p> - -<p>IT: What do I need life insurance for?</p> - -<p>ME: Don't you have a family? Loved ones? People you'd like to see cared -for after your—uh—that is, if you're suddenly not around to take care -of the bills and things, if you....</p> - -<p>IT: You mean if I drop dead?</p> - -<p>ME: Yes, sir.</p> - -<p>IT: What the hell for?</p> - -<p>ME: One never knows when he is going to, uh, drop dead.</p> - -<p>IT: No. I mean what the hell do I want an insurance policy for?</p> - -<p>ME: Statistics demonstrate that everyone wants the security of a life -insurance policy.</p> - -<p>IT: I don't.</p> - -<p>So, that's the way it goes. I've had another idea, though. How does -this strike you, boss? The local Army commander has his headquarters -not far from Rmpldecroidesanspertxkle. Since the whole planet is under -military rule because of the constant warfare, I figure if I can sell -a policy to General Multacni, I could then sell every dogfoot in his -command. How does the idea strike you?</p> - - -<p class="ph1">With a glimmer of hope,<br /> -Sammy Trumple</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<p>Interstellar Division<br /> -Terran Insurance Co.<br /> -Baltimore, Md., Earth</p> - -<p>Dear Sammy:</p> - - -<p>Now you're firing away on all jets, boy! Now you're good Terran -Insurance material. You're darned tooting, sell the general. We'll have -it made after that.</p> - - -<p class="ph1">Enthusiastically,<br /> -Hermie</p> - - -<p>P.S. I take back everything I may have said about you in haste, dear -boy. You're A-1 Terran Insurance all the way. P.P.S. Joanie is -languishing, she misses you so much. Make a couple of dozen sales to -cover your expense account and we'll think about getting you home on -the next ship.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>MILITARY TWX FROM SUPREME COMMANDER HALCYON SUBDIVISION THREE CMM -OFFICE OF MILITARY JUSTICE CMM TO CLN MR H SPOTTSWORTH CMM INTERSTELLAR -DIVISION CMM TERRAN INSURANCE CMM BALTIMEARTH DASH PENDING TRIAL OR -APPEAL OF YOUR STATE DEPARTMENT CMM WHICHEVER COMES FIRST CMM WE ARE -HOLDING TERRAN CITIZEN S TRUMPLE UNDER PROVISIONS OF ARTICLE SEVEN CMM -HALCYON CODE OF MILITARY JUSTICE PD PARA ARTICLE SEVEN READS CLN QUOTE -ANY INDIVIDUAL ATTEMPTING SUBVERSION OF MORAL WELFARE OF OFFICERS OR -ENLISTED MEN CMM THIS COMMAND CMM IS SUBJECT TO IMPRISONMENT FOR NOT -MORE THAN TWENTY FIVE HALCYONIAN YEARS PD ENDQUOTE PARA PLEASE ADVISE -PD PARA FOR THE COMMANDING GENERAL CMM LIEUT DASH MAJ ROG GO FURL CMM -HALCYON SUBDIVISION THREE CMM OFFICE OF MILITARY JUSTICE PD END TWX</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<p>Subdivision Three Stockade<br /> -Halcyon</p> - -<p>Dear Boss:</p> - - -<p>Lar Luk of Fomalhaut is forwarding this letter for me. Help!!!</p> - - -<p class="ph1">Sammy Trumple</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<p>Interstellar Division<br /> -Terran Insurance Co.<br /> -Baltimore, Md., Earth</p> - -<p>Commanding General<br /> -Subdivision Three<br /> -Halcyon</p> - -<p>Dear Sir:</p> - - -<p>With Terran State Department approval, I am writing you in regard to -the case of our employee, Mr. S. Trumple of Earth. With full State -Department backing we insist that you permit Mr. Trumple to tell us, -uncensored and in his own words, what has happened, in order that we -may take steps to defend him as a citizen of Earth.</p> - - -<p class="ph1">Very truly yours,<br /> -Herman Spottsworth</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<p>Subdivision Three Stockade<br /> -Halcyon</p> - -<p>Dear Boss:</p> - - -<p>Lieutenant Major Roggo Furl informs me that I'm permitted to write you -an uncensored letter. Boss, I'm in the dregs of despair. Please take -good care of Joanie.</p> - -<p>It's cold here in the stockade. The food stinks. The other prisoners -are all Halcyonian military deserters. Get me out of here!</p> - -<p>But I better calm down and try to tell you what happened from the -beginning. As I already told you, I decided to try and sell General -Multacni a life insurance policy. It took me two hours working my -way through the chain of command before I could even get to see the -General. When I finally did, I found myself facing a huge figure in -military uniform—huge even by Halcyonian standards. General Multacni -is probably nine feet tall.</p> - -<p>At first he was courteous. He listened politely, taking time out every -now and then to direct a bombing raid by radio, while I explained to -him exactly what life insurance was and what he could expect from the -Terran policy. Like everyone else on Halcyon, he said he didn't need -life insurance.</p> - -<p>"See here, sir," I said, translator polite but not obsequious. "War is -dangerous business. You never know when your number is going to be up."</p> - -<p>The General's office rumbled with laughter as he said, "Mr. Terran—" -they all call me that "—I'm indestructible." As you probably know, -that's a typical military career man's attitude. They all think they -are indestructible. The other fellow will die in the trenches or the -raids, not them. Even on Earth we have trouble selling our policies to -the military.</p> - -<p>I tried a different tack, the one approved for military customers on -Earth. "Well, General," I said, "someday this war is going to be over. -Someday you're going to retire to a farm somewhere in the good rich -land around Rmpldecroidesanspertxkle. You'll raise chickens—" which -the translator translated to the Halcyonian equivalent, of course -"—and bounce your little grandchildren on your knee. And then, way off -in the dim future, General, years and years from now after you've lived -a rich, full life, you're going to succumb to natural causes. And, if -not sooner—and we certainly hope it won't be sooner—that's when your -family will need this insurance policy I have for you."</p> - -<p>"The war isn't going to end," General Multacni told me.</p> - -<p>"But someday, when your side is victorious, and—"</p> - -<p>"Victorious?" His translator buzzed, repeating the word syllable for -syllable.</p> - -<p>"What is that?"</p> - -<p>"When you win the war."</p> - -<p>"Win it? But we're not going to win it, Mr. Terran."</p> - -<p>"Things can't be that bad," I consoled the General giving him my best -you're-down-in-the-dumps-now-but-wait-till-later smile. "Maybe the -enemy has you on the run just now, but you'll emerge victorious—you'll -win—in the end." Of course, I would have told the same thing to -General Multacni's opposite number in the opposing camp. I'm no -authority on Halcyonian military matters, but under the circumstances -it seemed the correct thing to say.</p> - -<p>General Multacni stood up. "I must consider this interview at an -end, Mr. Terran," he said frostily. "And I advise you to keep such -subversive thoughts to yourself in the future. I'm a broad-minded -Halcyonian, but—" And the General let his voice trail off ominously.</p> - -<p>I figured he had battle fatigue, boss. Nobody could talk like that in -his right mind, not even a general on a planet which is engaging in -warfare almost constantly. Anyhow, I had to find out. Wandering through -the military reservation on my way back to Rmpl, I chanced upon a -non-commissioned officer's club. Here was the place to find out once -and for all! I would speak to the NCO's who probably had families and -probably were in danger of shipping out to the warfronts at any time.</p> - -<p>I went inside and I spoke. Maybe I made too much like a soap box -orator, I don't know. I don't know. I told them they would need -insurance during the war, and after the war. I told them our policies -would give them solace in these trying times, mitigating some of their -worries during the necessary horrors of their struggle for existence. -When finished, there wasn't a sound in the whole vast room. Boss, I -thought we had them. I brought out a pad of policies and was ready to -start scribbling names.</p> - -<p>Then the military police came in and arrested me.</p> - -<p>You know the rest. How I was taken to the subdivision stockades, given -a medical exam (for some reason, a small slice of flesh was taken from -my rump. I won't miss it, but I couldn't sit down for two days), told -that I was being held under the provisions of article seven of some -kind of code of military justice. Me, subversive. When all I want to do -is sell insurance policies. Boss, please get me the heck off this nutty -planet.</p> - - -<p class="ph1">Tragically,<br /> -Sammy Trumple</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<p>Terran Consulate<br /> -Halcyon City<br /> -Halcyon</p> - -<p>Department of State<br /> -Halcyon Subdivision Three</p> - -<p>Sirs:</p> - - -<p>Please explain the charges under which Terran citizen Samuel Trumple is -being held in military prison.</p> - - -<p class="ph1">Walter M. Foggarty<br /> -Asst. Consul</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<p>Department of State<br /> -Halcyon Subdivision Three</p> - -<p>Mr. Walter M. Foggarty<br /> -Terran Consulate<br /> -Halcyon City</p> - -<p>Dear Mr. Foggarty:</p> - - -<p>We hasten to respond to your note of yesterday and wish to thank you -for the diplomacy, tact and patience you have displayed in this matter. -We of Halcyon are firm believers in reincarnation of the individual -after death, as you may know if you've read Stoy's ANTHROPOLOGICALLY -SPEAKING: A Study of Sixty Seven Galactic Societies, or attended any of -our religious services.</p> - -<p>Now, since we believe in reincarnation (off the record, I'm a -free-thinker, myself) and since every individual certainly can't be -born with the proverbial silver feeder in his mandibles, death is an -adventure eagerly anticipated by most Halcyonians, who have hopes that -their station in life will be improved in their next incarnation, -although they believe, of course, that they will maintain their -individuality, their <i>elan vital</i>, if you wish, in the subsequent -incarnation.</p> - -<p>Terran Citizen Trumple was guilty of the worst sort of subversion when -he spoke of an end to warfare. Naturally, there are some atheistic -pacifists on Halcyon who would like to see war abolished and more -people live out their current incarnations, but this dangerous -minority is constantly hunted down. However, we recognize extenuating -circumstances in the case of Terran citizen Trumple. He is, of -course, unfamiliar with our way of life. That being the case, I have -recommended to the military authorities that he be pardoned without -trial. I will keep you informed.</p> - - -<p class="ph1">Most sincerely,<br /> -Aleg Trogonommo<br /> -Sec'y for resident extra-Halcyonians</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<p>Terran Consulate<br /> -Halcyon City<br /> -Halcyon</p> - -<p>Mr. Herman Spottsworth<br /> -Interstellar Division<br /> -Terran Insurance Company<br /> -Baltimore, Md., Earth</p> - -<p>Dear Mr. Spottsworth:</p> - - -<p>The enclosed communication from Trogonommo is self-evident. Feel better?</p> - - -<p class="ph1">Foggarty</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<p>Interstellar Division<br /> -Terran Insurance Co.<br /> -Baltimore, Md., Earth</p> - -<p>Dear Sammy:</p> - - -<p>Keep your chin up, boy. It's only a matter of time now. Joanie's fine.</p> - - -<p class="ph1">Hermie</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<p>MEMO:<br /> -TO: The Commanding General<br /> -FROM: Lieut-Major Roggo Furl, Office of Military Justice<br /> -SUBJECT: The Terran Sammy Trumple</p> - - -<p>1. Trogonommo of State wants us to go easy on the prisoner, Trumple.</p> - -<p>2. It is my feeling, though, that in the best interests of Halcyon, an -example should be made of the Terran Trumple. The General realizes, I'm -sure, that the colony of extra-halcyonians on Halcyon is growing. They -must learn to consider Halcyonian culture as inviolate.</p> - -<p>3. Accordingly, I recommend we go ahead with trial of Terran Trumple.</p> - - -<p class="ph1">Signed<br /> -Roggo Furl<br /> -Lieut-Major</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<p>MEMO: -TO: Lieut-Major Roggo Furl, Office of Military Justice<br /> -FROM: The Commanding General</p> - - - -<p>SUBJECT: The Terran Sammy Trumple</p> - - -<p>1. Sorry, Furl. Trogonommo has more political friends than a Veterans' -Legion Commander.</p> - -<p>2. However, I quite agree with you. An example must be made of Trumple.</p> - -<p>3. But not through a military court of justice. That's political -dynamite.</p> - -<p>4. I'd like to suggest that Trumple be allowed to make an attempted -escape. He can be killed while fleeing. That should teach everyone a -lesson, Trumple included.</p> - -<p>5. The details of this attempted escape are in your hands. I suggest -you use Lar Luk of Fomalhaut as a go-between, however. And make sure -Trumple is killed!</p> - -<p>6. After you read it, burn this letter.</p> - - -<p class="ph1">Unsigned</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<p>143-1/4 East Scjulak Street<br /> -Halcyon City<br /> -Halcyon</p> - -<p>Dear Boss:</p> - - -<p>Have I got news for you!</p> - -<p>A few days ago, Lar Luk—the ex-insurance salesman from -Fomalhaut—visited me at the stockade. You could tell something was -going on because Luk, usually a loud extrovert, spoke in conspiratorial -whispers.</p> - -<p>"They are going ahead with your trial," he said.</p> - -<p>"How do you know?"</p> - -<p>"I am in a position to know. I think you're being treated unjustly, -Sammy. I came here to do something about it."</p> - -<p>Boss, I was desperate. Despite your encouraging note, I didn't know -which way to turn. I said, "Like what?"</p> - -<p>And Luk leaned forward to whisper: "Like helping you escape."</p> - -<p>He clamped a flipper over my mouth before I could blurt out something -which would give us away. I calmed down and said: "Can we do it?"</p> - -<p>"We can try. We have to try."</p> - -<p>"When?" I asked.</p> - -<p>"Tonight, after I leave, after it's dark. I had to get special -dispensation to visit you. They won't let me visit you again."</p> - -<p>"But what ... how...." I'm no intriguer, boss. I felt like a pawn in -this game—but a pawn who was about to be checkmated unless he did -something about it.</p> - -<p>"Here," said Lar Luk, thrusting something into my hand. "This is a -Fomalhautian freezer, Sammy. You'll stop anybody dead in his tracks -with it. When they come to your cell tonight and bring your meal...." -Lar Luk didn't finish the sentence.</p> - -<p>"You'll be waiting for me outside?"</p> - -<p>"Yes. With a jetcopter, my friend. It won't be long now."</p> - -<p>And Lar Luk was gone. I examined the weapon he had given me. It looked -deadly, all right, with a dull metal finish and a wicked, funnel-like -snout. I was ready, but I didn't see how I would get through the -afternoon.</p> - -<p>I tried to sleep. I couldn't. I tried to think of you and Joanie and -what it would be like back on Earth. I couldn't concentrate. It grew -dark slowly, the way it does on Halcyon. I thought they never would -come with my supper. I thought they were starving me before the trial -so I would confess readily. Then I began to think that maybe someone -had seen Lar Luk give me the weapon. Perhaps the cell was wired and -every word we said was heard in the stockade commander's office.</p> - -<p>Then I heard footsteps in the corridor. It always sounds like more -than one person, the Halcyonians having more legs than we do. I stood -there at the door of my cell, waiting. I could feel my heart fluttering -around inside me, like a bird.</p> - -<p>The cell door opened.</p> - -<p>At first I was going to use Lar Luk's weapon, but I didn't know what -kind of noise it would make. He hadn't told me. Instead, I used the -butt of the gun, banging it down across the guard's head. He slumped -at my feet. I hoped I hadn't hurt him too badly. I even hoped Lar -Luk's weapon was effective but not lethal. I had nothing against the -Halcyonians. I just wanted to escape.</p> - -<p>Out into the corridor I ran, passing three cross-corridors before I -reached the stockade quadrangle. In the halls, I met no one. So far, I -was lucky. But then....</p> - -<p>"Halt! Who goes there?"</p> - -<p>A guard in the quadrangle challenging me!</p> - -<p>I was trembling so much I had to hold Lar Luk's weapon in both hands to -fire it. It made a noise like a siren.</p> - -<p>The guard didn't fall. He kept coming.</p> - -<p>I fired again.</p> - -<p>It was a siren.</p> - -<p>Lar Luk had tricked me.</p> - -<p>You can imagine the pickle I was in, boss. The siren summoned more -guards, who came at me from all directions. I tried to get away, -pounding across the pavement of the quadrangle. From somewhere, a -searchlight cut a bright yellow swath across the quadrangle. It found -me and held me.</p> - -<p>One of the guards fired a blaster, hitting me in the base of the skull -and killing me instantly.</p> - - -<p class="ph1">Cordially,<br /> -Sammy Trumple</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<p>Interstellar Division<br /> -Terran Insurance Co.<br /> -Baltimore, Md., Earth</p> - -<p>Dear Sammy:</p> - - -<p>I'm glad you managed to get away, but quit pulling my leg, will you? -So the guard killed you—and then you sat down and wrote me a letter. -Please tell me what really happened.</p> - -<p>By the way, I have great news for you. Joanie had a litter of four -pups, all spotted brown and white and cute as the dickens. I'm sending -two of them to you by Subspace Express.</p> - -<p>And let me know what happened, will you?</p> - - -<p class="ph1">Yours in sales,<br /> -Hermie</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<p>Rmpldecroidesanspertxkle<br /> -Halcyon</p> - -<p>Dear Hermie:</p> - - -<p>This letter is being smuggled out to you by a friend because it never -would pass the Halcyonian censor. They have a good thing and they want -to keep it to themselves as much as possible and I can't blame them.</p> - -<p>Thanks for sending along the pups. I'll be waiting for them. Give -Joanie a pat on the head for me.</p> - -<p>Incidentally, cancel all my insurance policies. And I quit the -company, effective immediately. I'm staying here on Halcyon.</p> - -<p>I wasn't pulling your leg, Hermie. You remember I told you a slice -of flesh was taken from my rump at the stockade. That's how the -Halcyonians have developed their reincarnation process. They've learned -a way to duplicate an individual artificially using a sample of his -hereditary genes from the slice of flesh. Every Halcyonian has his -slice on file of course. The new embryo is then grown rapidly, in a -matter of a few days.</p> - -<p>Lar Luk and I figured it's about time heavy industry came to -Rmpldecroidesanspertxkle. We're opening a new munitions factory here, -which suits the Halcyonians fine. Most of them are in favor of war -because they'd like to better their position in life and might do it -next time around on the new incarnation.</p> - -<p>This reincarnation sure as hell beats life insurance, doesn't it?</p> - - -<p class="ph1">With fond regards,<br /> -Sammy</p> - - -<div style='display:block; margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NO-RISK PLANET ***</div> -<div style='text-align:left'> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will -be renamed. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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