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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/6753-h.zip b/6753-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0d385ed --- /dev/null +++ b/6753-h.zip diff --git a/6753-h/6753-h.htm b/6753-h/6753-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2a983e6 --- /dev/null +++ b/6753-h/6753-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,8332 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="us-ascii"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> + <head> + <meta content="pg2html (binary v0.17)" name="linkgenerator" /> + <title> + Psmith in the City, by P. G. Wodehouse + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .75em; margin-bottom: .75em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 5%; margin-right: 5%; text-align: justify; font-size: 80%; font-style: italic;} + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + .xx-small {font-size: 60%;} + .x-small {font-size: 75%;} + .small {font-size: 85%;} + .large {font-size: 115%;} + .x-large {font-size: 130%;} + .indent5 { margin-left: 5%;} + .indent10 { margin-left: 10%;} + .indent15 { margin-left: 15%;} + .indent20 { margin-left: 20%;} + .indent25 { margin-left: 25%;} + .indent30 { margin-left: 30%;} + .indent35 { margin-left: 35%;} + .indent40 { margin-left: 40%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {position: absolute; right: 1%; font-size: 0.6em; + font-variant: normal; font-style: normal; + text-align: right; background-color: #FFFACD; + border: 1px solid; padding: 0.3em;text-indent: 0em;} + .side { float: left; font-size: 75%; width: 15%; padding-left: 0.8em; + border-left: dashed thin; text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; + font-weight: bold; color: black; background: #eeeeee; border: solid 1px;} + .head { float: left; font-size: 90%; width: 98%; padding-left: 0.8em; + border-left: dashed thin; text-align: center; + text-indent: 0; font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; + font-weight: bold; color: black; background: #eeeeee; border: solid 1px;} + p.pfirst, p.noindent {text-indent: 0} + span.dropcap { float: left; margin: 0 0.1em 0 0; line-height: 0.8 } + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Psmith in the City, by P. G. Wodehouse + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Psmith in the City + +Author: P. G. Wodehouse + + +Release Date: October, 2004 [EBook #6753] +First Posted: January 23, 2003 +Last Updated: November 11, 2018 + + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PSMITH IN THE CITY *** + + + + +Etext produced by Suzanne L. Shell, Charles Franks and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + +HTML file produced by David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <div style="height: 8em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h1> + PSMITH IN THE CITY + </h1> + <h2> + By P. G. Wodehouse + </h2> +<p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h3> + DEDICATION + </h3> + <h3> + TO LESLIE HAVERGAL BRADSHAW + </h3> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h3> + CONTENTS + </h3> + <table summary="" style="margin-right: auto; margin-left: auto" cellpadding="4" border="3"> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> 1. Mr Bickersdyke Walks behind the Bowler's + Arm </a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> 2. Mike Hears Bad News </a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> 3. The New Era Begins </a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> 4. First Steps in a Business Career </a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> 5. The Other Man </a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> 6. Psmith Explains </a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> 7. Going into Winter Quarters </a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0008"> 8. The Friendly Native </a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> 9. The Haunting of Mr Bickersdyke </a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0010"> 10. Mr Bickersdyke Addresses His + Constituents </a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> 11. Misunderstood </a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0012"> 12. In a Nutshell </a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0013"> 13. Mike is Moved On </a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0014"> 14. Mr Waller Appears in a New Light </a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0015"> 15. Stirring Times on the Common </a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0016"> 16. Further Developments </a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0017"> 17. Sunday Supper </a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0018"> 18. Psmith Makes a Discovery </a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0019"> 19. The Illness of Edward </a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0020"> 20. Concerning a Cheque </a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0021"> 21. Psmith Makes Inquiries </a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0022"> 22. And Take Steps </a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0023"> 23. Mr Bickersdyke Makes a Concession </a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0024"> 24. The Spirit of Unrest </a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0025"> 25. At the Telephone </a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0026"> 26. Breaking The News </a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0027"> 27. At Lord's </a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0028"> 28. Psmith Arranges his Future </a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0029"> 29. And Mike's </a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0030"> 30. The Last Sad Farewells </a> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + 1. Mr Bickersdyke Walks behind the Bowler's Arm + </h2> + <p> + Considering what a prominent figure Mr John Bickersdyke was to be in Mike + Jackson's life, it was only appropriate that he should make a dramatic + entry into it. This he did by walking behind the bowler's arm +when Mike + had scored ninety-eight, causing him thereby to be clean bowled by a + long-hop. + </p> + <p> + It was the last day of the Ilsworth cricket week, and the house team were + struggling hard on a damaged wicket. During the first two matches of the + week all had been well. Warm sunshine, true wickets, tea in the shade of + the trees. But on the Thursday night, as the team champed their dinner + contentedly after defeating the Incogniti by two wickets, a pattering of + rain made itself heard upon the windows. By bedtime it had settled to a + steady downpour. On Friday morning, when the team of the local regiment + arrived in their brake, the sun was shining once more in a watery, + melancholy way, but play was not possible before lunch. After lunch the + bowlers were in their element. The regiment, winning the toss, put + together a hundred and thirty, due principally to a last wicket stand + between two enormous corporals, who swiped at everything and had luck + enough for two whole teams. The house team followed with seventy-eight, of + which Psmith, by his usual golf methods, claimed thirty. Mike, who had + gone in first as the star bat of the side, had been run out with great + promptitude off the first ball of the innings, which his partner had hit + in the immediate neighbourhood of point. At close of play the regiment had + made five without loss. This, on the Saturday morning, helped by another + shower of rain which made the wicket easier for the moment, they had + increased to a hundred and forty-eight, leaving the house just two hundred + to make on a pitch which looked as if it were made of linseed. + </p> + <p> + It was during this week that Mike had first made the acquaintance of + Psmith's family. Mr Smith had moved from Shropshire, and taken Ilsworth + Hall in a neighbouring county. This he had done, as far as could be + ascertained, simply because he had a poor opinion of Shropshire cricket. + And just at the moment cricket happened to be the pivot of his life. + </p> + <p> + 'My father,' Psmith had confided to Mike, meeting him at the station in + the family motor on the Monday, 'is a man of vast but volatile brain. He + has not that calm, dispassionate outlook on life which marks your true + philosopher, such as myself. I—' + </p> + <p> + 'I say,' interrupted Mike, eyeing Psmith's movements with apprehension, + 'you aren't going to drive, are you?' + </p> + <p> + 'Who else? As I was saying, I am like some contented spectator of a + Pageant. My pater wants to jump in and stage-manage. He is a man of + hobbies. He never has more than one at a time, and he never has that long. + But while he has it, it's all there. When I left the house this morning he + was all for cricket. But by the time we get to the ground he may have + chucked cricket and taken up the Territorial Army. Don't be surprised if + you find the wicket being dug up into trenches, when we arrive, and the + pro. moving in echelon towards the pavilion. No,' he added, as the car + turned into the drive, and they caught a glimpse of white flannels and + blazers in the distance, and heard the sound of bat meeting ball, 'cricket + seems still to be topping the bill. Come along, and I'll show you your + room. It's next to mine, so that, if brooding on Life in the still hours + of the night, I hit on any great truth, I shall pop in and discuss it with + you.' + </p> + <p> + While Mike was changing, Psmith sat on his bed, and continued to + discourse. + </p> + <p> + 'I suppose you're going to the 'Varsity?' he said. + </p> + <p> + 'Rather,' said Mike, lacing his boots. 'You are, of course? Cambridge, I + hope. I'm going to King's.' + </p> + <p> + 'Between ourselves,' confided Psmith, 'I'm dashed if I know what's going + to happen to me. I am the thingummy of what's-its-name.' + </p> + <p> + 'You look it,' said Mike, brushing his hair. + </p> + <p> + 'Don't stand there cracking the glass,' said Psmith. 'I tell you I am + practically a human three-shies-a-penny ball. My father is poising me + lightly in his hand, preparatory to flinging me at one of the milky cocos + of Life. Which one he'll aim at I don't know. The least thing fills him + with a whirl of new views as to my future. Last week we were out shooting + together, and he said that the life of the gentleman-farmer was the most + manly and independent on earth, and that he had a good mind to start me on + that. I pointed out that lack of early training had rendered me unable to + distinguish between a threshing-machine and a mangel-wurzel, so he chucked + that. He has now worked round to Commerce. It seems that a blighter of the + name of Bickersdyke is coming here for the week-end next Saturday. As far + as I can say without searching the Newgate Calendar, the man Bickersdyke's + career seems to have been as follows. He was at school with my pater, went + into the City, raked in a certain amount of doubloons—probably + dishonestly—and is now a sort of Captain of Industry, manager of + some bank or other, and about to stand for Parliament. The result of these + excesses is that my pater's imagination has been fired, and at time of + going to press he wants me to imitate Comrade Bickersdyke. However, + there's plenty of time. That's one comfort. He's certain to change his + mind again. Ready? Then suppose we filter forth into the arena?' + </p> + <p> + Out on the field Mike was introduced to the man of hobbies. Mr Smith, + senior, was a long, earnest-looking man who might have been Psmith in a + grey wig but for his obvious energy. He was as wholly on the move as + Psmith was wholly statuesque. Where Psmith stood like some dignified piece + of sculpture, musing on deep questions with a glassy eye, his father would + be trying to be in four places at once. When Psmith presented Mike to him, + he shook hands warmly with him and started a sentence, but broke off in + the middle of both performances to dash wildly in the direction of the + pavilion in an endeavour to catch an impossible catch some thirty yards + away. The impetus so gained carried him on towards Bagley, the Ilsworth + Hall ground-man, with whom a moment later he was carrying on an animated + discussion as to whether he had or had not seen a dandelion on the field + that morning. Two minutes afterwards he had skimmed away again. Mike, as + he watched him, began to appreciate Psmith's reasons for feeling some + doubt as to what would be his future walk in life. + </p> + <p> + At lunch that day Mike sat next to Mr Smith, and improved his acquaintance + with him; and by the end of the week they were on excellent terms. + Psmith's father had Psmith's gift of getting on well with people. + </p> + <p> + On this Saturday, as Mike buckled on his pads, Mr Smith bounded up, full + of advice and encouragement. + </p> + <p> + 'My boy,' he said, 'we rely on you. These others'—he indicated with + a disparaging wave of the hand the rest of the team, who were visible + through the window of the changing-room—'are all very well. Decent + club bats. Good for a few on a billiard-table. But you're our hope on a + wicket like this. I have studied cricket all my life'—till that + summer it is improbable that Mr Smith had ever handled a bat—'and I + know a first-class batsman when I see one. I've seen your brothers play. + Pooh, you're better than any of them. That century of yours against the + Green Jackets was a wonderful innings, wonderful. Now look here, my boy. I + want you to be careful. We've a lot of runs to make, so we mustn't take + any risks. Hit plenty of boundaries, of course, but be careful. Careful. + Dash it, there's a youngster trying to climb up the elm. He'll break his + neck. It's young Giles, my keeper's boy. Hi! Hi, there!' + </p> + <p> + He scudded out to avert the tragedy, leaving Mike to digest his expert + advice on the art of batting on bad wickets. + </p> + <p> + Possibly it was the excellence of this advice which induced Mike to play + what was, to date, the best innings of his life. There are moments when + the batsman feels an almost super-human fitness. This came to Mike now. + The sun had begun to shine strongly. It made the wicket more difficult, + but it added a cheerful touch to the scene. Mike felt calm and masterful. + The bowling had no terrors for him. He scored nine off his first over and + seven off his second, half-way through which he lost his partner. He was + to undergo a similar bereavement several times that afternoon, and at + frequent intervals. However simple the bowling might seem to him, it had + enough sting in it to worry the rest of the team considerably. Batsmen + came and went at the other end with such rapidity that it seemed hardly + worth while their troubling to come in at all. Every now and then one + would give promise of better things by lifting the slow bowler into the + pavilion or over the boundary, but it always happened that a similar + stroke, a few balls later, ended in an easy catch. At five o'clock the + Ilsworth score was eighty-one for seven wickets, last man nought, Mike not + out fifty-nine. As most of the house team, including Mike, were dispersing + to their homes or were due for visits at other houses that night, stumps + were to be drawn at six. It was obvious that they could not hope to win. + Number nine on the list, who was Bagley, the ground-man, went in with + instructions to play for a draw, and minute advice from Mr Smith as to how + he was to do it. Mike had now begun to score rapidly, and it was not to be + expected that he could change his game; but Bagley, a dried-up little man + of the type which bowls for five hours on a hot August day without + exhibiting any symptoms of fatigue, put a much-bound bat stolidly in front + of every ball he received; and the Hall's prospects of saving the game + grew brighter. + </p> + <p> + At a quarter to six the professional left, caught at very silly point for + eight. The score was a hundred and fifteen, of which Mike had made + eighty-five. + </p> + <p> + A lengthy young man with yellow hair, who had done some good fast bowling + for the Hall during the week, was the next man in. In previous matches he + had hit furiously at everything, and against the Green Jackets had knocked + up forty in twenty minutes while Mike was putting the finishing touches to + his century. Now, however, with his host's warning ringing in his ears, he + adopted the unspectacular, or Bagley, style of play. His manner of dealing + with the ball was that of one playing croquet. He patted it gingerly back + to the bowler when it was straight, and left it icily alone when it was + off the wicket. Mike, still in the brilliant vein, clumped a half-volley + past point to the boundary, and with highly scientific late cuts and + glides brought his score to ninety-eight. With Mike's score at this, the + total at a hundred and thirty, and the hands of the clock at five minutes + to six, the yellow-haired croquet exponent fell, as Bagley had fallen, a + victim to silly point, the ball being the last of the over. + </p> + <p> + Mr Smith, who always went in last for his side, and who so far had not + received a single ball during the week, was down the pavilion steps and + half-way to the wicket before the retiring batsman had taken half a dozen + steps. + </p> + <p> + 'Last over,' said the wicket-keeper to Mike. 'Any idea how many you've + got? You must be near your century, I should think.' + </p> + <p> + 'Ninety-eight,' said Mike. He always counted his runs. + </p> + <p> + 'By Jove, as near as that? This is something like a finish.' + </p> + <p> + Mike left the first ball alone, and the second. They were too wide of the + off-stump to be hit at safely. Then he felt a thrill as the third ball + left the bowler's hand. It was a long-hop. He faced square to pull it. + </p> + <p> + And at that moment Mr John Bickersdyke walked into his life across the + bowling-screen. + </p> + <p> + He crossed the bowler's arm just before the ball pitched. Mike lost sight + of it for a fraction of a second, and hit wildly. The next moment his leg + stump was askew; and the Hall had lost the match. + </p> + <p> + 'I'm sorry,' he said to Mr Smith. 'Some silly idiot walked across the + screen just as the ball was bowled.' + </p> + <p> + 'What!' shouted Mr Smith. 'Who was the fool who walked behind the bowler's + arm?' he yelled appealingly to Space. + </p> + <p> + 'Here he comes, whoever he is,' said Mike. + </p> + <p> + A short, stout man in a straw hat and a flannel suit was walking towards + them. As he came nearer Mike saw that he had a hard, thin-lipped mouth, + half-hidden by a rather ragged moustache, and that behind a pair of gold + spectacles were two pale and slightly protruding eyes, which, like his + mouth, looked hard. + </p> + <p> + 'How are you, Smith,' he said. + </p> + <p> + 'Hullo, Bickersdyke.' There was a slight internal struggle, and then Mr + Smith ceased to be the cricketer and became the host. He chatted amiably + to the new-comer. + </p> + <p> + 'You lost the game, I suppose,' said Mr Bickersdyke. + </p> + <p> + The cricketer in Mr Smith came to the top again, blended now, however, + with the host. He was annoyed, but restrained in his annoyance. + </p> + <p> + 'I say, Bickersdyke, you know, my dear fellow,' he said complainingly, + 'you shouldn't have walked across the screen. You put Jackson off, and + made him get bowled.' + </p> + <p> + 'The screen?' + </p> + <p> + 'That curious white object,' said Mike. 'It is not put up merely as an + ornament. There's a sort of rough idea of giving the batsman a chance of + seeing the ball, as well. It's a great help to him when people come + charging across it just as the bowler bowls.' + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke turned a slightly deeper shade of purple, and was about to + reply, when what sporting reporters call 'the veritable ovation' began. + </p> + <p> + Quite a large crowd had been watching the game, and they expressed their + approval of Mike's performance. + </p> + <p> + There is only one thing for a batsman to do on these occasions. Mike ran + into the pavilion, leaving Mr Bickersdyke standing. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + 2. Mike Hears Bad News + </h2> + <p> + It seemed to Mike, when he got home, that there was a touch of gloom in + the air. His sisters were as glad to see him as ever. There was a good + deal of rejoicing going on among the female Jacksons because Joe had + scored his first double century in first-class cricket. Double centuries + are too common, nowadays, for the papers to take much notice of them; but, + still, it is not everybody who can make them, and the occasion was one to + be marked. Mike had read the news in the evening paper in the train, and + had sent his brother a wire from the station, congratulating him. He had + wondered whether he himself would ever achieve the feat in first-class + cricket. He did not see why he should not. He looked forward through a + long vista of years of county cricket. He had a birth qualification for + the county in which Mr Smith had settled, and he had played for it once + already at the beginning of the holidays. His <i>debut</i> had not been + sensational, but it had been promising. The fact that two members of the + team had made centuries, and a third seventy odd, had rather eclipsed his + own twenty-nine not out; but it had been a faultless innings, and nearly + all the papers had said that here was yet another Jackson, evidently well + up to the family standard, who was bound to do big things in the future. + </p> + <p> + The touch of gloom was contributed by his brother Bob to a certain extent, + and by his father more noticeably. Bob looked slightly thoughtful. Mr + Jackson seemed thoroughly worried. + </p> + <p> + Mike approached Bob on the subject in the billiard-room after dinner. Bob + was practising cannons in rather a listless way. + </p> + <p> + 'What's up, Bob?' asked Mike. + </p> + <p> + Bob laid down his cue. + </p> + <p> + 'I'm hanged if I know,' said Bob. 'Something seems to be. Father's worried + about something.' + </p> + <p> + 'He looked as if he'd got the hump rather at dinner.' + </p> + <p> + 'I only got here this afternoon, about three hours before you did. I had a + bit of a talk with him before dinner. I can't make out what's up. He + seemed awfully keen on my finding something to do now I've come down from + Oxford. Wanted to know whether I couldn't get a tutoring job or a + mastership at some school next term. I said I'd have a shot. I don't see + what all the hurry's about, though. I was hoping he'd give me a bit of + travelling on the Continent somewhere before I started in.' + </p> + <p> + 'Rough luck,' said Mike. 'I wonder why it is. Jolly good about Joe, wasn't + it? Let's have fifty up, shall we?' + </p> + <p> + Bob's remarks had given Mike no hint of impending disaster. It seemed + strange, of course, that his father, who had always been so easy-going, + should have developed a hustling Get On or Get Out spirit, and be urging + Bob to Do It Now; but it never occurred to him that there could be any + serious reason for it. After all, fellows had to start working some time + or other. Probably his father had merely pointed this out to Bob, and Bob + had made too much of it. + </p> + <p> + Half-way through the game Mr Jackson entered the room, and stood watching + in silence. + </p> + <p> + 'Want a game, father?' asked Mike. + </p> + <p> + 'No, thanks, Mike. What is it? A hundred up?' + </p> + <p> + 'Fifty.' + </p> + <p> + 'Oh, then you'll be finished in a moment. When you are, I wish you'd just + look into the study for a moment, Mike. I want to have a talk with you.' + </p> + <p> + 'Rum,' said Mike, as the door closed. 'I wonder what's up?' + </p> + <p> + For a wonder his conscience was free. It was not as if a bad school-report + might have arrived in his absence. His Sedleigh report had come at the + beginning of the holidays, and had been, on the whole, fairly decent—nothing + startling either way. Mr Downing, perhaps through remorse at having + harried Mike to such an extent during the Sammy episode, had exercised a + studied moderation in his remarks. He had let Mike down far more easily + than he really deserved. So it could not be a report that was worrying Mr + Jackson. And there was nothing else on his conscience. + </p> + <p> + Bob made a break of sixteen, and ran out. Mike replaced his cue, and + walked to the study. + </p> + <p> + His father was sitting at the table. Except for the very important fact + that this time he felt that he could plead Not Guilty on every possible + charge, Mike was struck by the resemblance in the general arrangement of + the scene to that painful ten minutes at the end of the previous holidays, + when his father had announced his intention of taking him away from Wrykyn + and sending him to Sedleigh. The resemblance was increased by the fact + that, as Mike entered, Mr Jackson was kicking at the waste-paper basket—a + thing which with him was an infallible sign of mental unrest. + </p> + <p> + 'Sit down, Mike,' said Mr Jackson. 'How did you get on during the week?' + </p> + <p> + 'Topping. Only once out under double figures. And then I was run out. Got + a century against the Green Jackets, seventy-one against the Incogs, and + today I made ninety-eight on a beast of a wicket, and only got out because + some silly goat of a chap—' + </p> + <p> + He broke off. Mr Jackson did not seem to be attending. There was a + silence. Then Mr Jackson spoke with an obvious effort. + </p> + <p> + 'Look here, Mike, we've always understood one another, haven't we?' + </p> + <p> + 'Of course we have.' + </p> + <p> + 'You know I wouldn't do anything to prevent you having a good time, if I + could help it. I took you away from Wrykyn, I know, but that was a special + case. It was necessary. But I understand perfectly how keen you are to go + to Cambridge, and I wouldn't stand in the way for a minute, if I could + help it.' + </p> + <p> + Mike looked at him blankly. This could only mean one thing. He was not to + go to the 'Varsity. But why? What had happened? When he had left for the + Smith's cricket week, his name had been down for King's, and the whole + thing settled. What could have happened since then? + </p> + <p> + 'But I can't help it,' continued Mr Jackson. + </p> + <p> + 'Aren't I going up to Cambridge, father?' stammered Mike. + </p> + <p> + 'I'm afraid not, Mike. I'd manage it if I possibly could. I'm just as + anxious to see you get your Blue as you are to get it. But it's kinder to + be quite frank. I can't afford to send you to Cambridge. I won't go into + details which you would not understand; but I've lost a very large sum of + money since I saw you last. So large that we shall have to economize in + every way. I shall let this house and take a much smaller one. And you and + Bob, I'm afraid, will have to start earning your living. I know it's a + terrible disappointment to you, old chap.' + </p> + <p> + 'Oh, that's all right,' said Mike thickly. There seemed to be something + sticking in his throat, preventing him from speaking. + </p> + <p> + 'If there was any possible way—' + </p> + <p> + 'No, it's all right, father, really. I don't mind a bit. It's awfully + rough luck on you losing all that.' + </p> + <p> + There was another silence. The clock ticked away energetically on the + mantelpiece, as if glad to make itself heard at last. Outside, a plaintive + snuffle made itself heard. John, the bull-dog, Mike's inseparable + companion, who had followed him to the study, was getting tired of waiting + on the mat. Mike got up and opened the door. John lumbered in. + </p> + <p> + The movement broke the tension. + </p> + <p> + 'Thanks, Mike,' said Mr Jackson, as Mike started to leave the room, + 'you're a sportsman.' + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + 3. The New Era Begins + </h2> + <p> + Details of what were in store for him were given to Mike next morning. + During his absence at Ilsworth a vacancy had been got for him in that + flourishing institution, the New Asiatic Bank; and he was to enter upon + his duties, whatever they might be, on the Tuesday of the following week. + It was short notice, but banks have a habit of swallowing their victims + rather abruptly. Mike remembered the case of Wyatt, who had had just about + the same amount of time in which to get used to the prospect of Commerce. + </p> + <p> + On the Monday morning a letter arrived from Psmith. Psmith was still + perturbed. 'Commerce,' he wrote, 'continues to boom. My pater referred to + Comrade Bickersdyke last night as a Merchant Prince. Comrade B. and I do + not get on well together. Purely for his own good, I drew him aside + yesterday and explained to him at great length the frightfulness of + walking across the bowling-screen. He seemed restive, but I was firm. We + parted rather with the Distant Stare than the Friendly Smile. But I shall + persevere. In many ways the casual observer would say that he was + hopeless. He is a poor performer at Bridge, as I was compelled to hint to + him on Saturday night. His eyes have no animated sparkle of intelligence. + And the cut of his clothes jars my sensitive soul to its foundations. I + don't wish to speak ill of a man behind his back, but I must confide in + you, as my Boyhood's Friend, that he wore a made-up tie at dinner. But no + more of a painful subject. I am working away at him with a brave smile. + Sometimes I think that I am succeeding. Then he seems to slip back again. + However,' concluded the letter, ending on an optimistic note, 'I think + that I shall make a man of him yet—some day.' + </p> + <p> + Mike re-read this letter in the train that took him to London. By this + time Psmith would know that his was not the only case in which Commerce + was booming. Mike had written to him by return, telling him of the + disaster which had befallen the house of Jackson. Mike wished he could + have told him in person, for Psmith had a way of treating unpleasant + situations as if he were merely playing at them for his own amusement. + Psmith's attitude towards the slings and arrows of outrageous Fortune was + to regard them with a bland smile, as if they were part of an + entertainment got up for his express benefit. + </p> + <p> + Arriving at Paddington, Mike stood on the platform, waiting for his box to + emerge from the luggage-van, with mixed feelings of gloom and excitement. + The gloom was in the larger quantities, perhaps, but the excitement was + there, too. It was the first time in his life that he had been entirely + dependent on himself. He had crossed the Rubicon. The occasion was too + serious for him to feel the same helplessly furious feeling with which he + had embarked on life at Sedleigh. It was possible to look on Sedleigh with + quite a personal enmity. London was too big to be angry with. It took no + notice of him. It did not care whether he was glad to be there or sorry, + and there was no means of making it care. That is the peculiarity of + London. There is a sort of cold unfriendliness about it. A city like New + York makes the new arrival feel at home in half an hour; but London is a + specialist in what Psmith in his letter had called the Distant Stare. You + have to buy London's good-will. + </p> + <p> + Mike drove across the Park to Victoria, feeling very empty and small. He + had settled on Dulwich as the spot to get lodgings, partly because, + knowing nothing about London, he was under the impression that rooms + anywhere inside the four-mile radius were very expensive, but principally + because there was a school at Dulwich, and it would be a comfort being + near a school. He might get a game of fives there sometimes, he thought, + on a Saturday afternoon, and, in the summer, occasional cricket. + </p> + <p> + Wandering at a venture up the asphalt passage which leads from Dulwich + station in the direction of the College, he came out into Acacia Road. + There is something about Acacia Road which inevitably suggests furnished + apartments. A child could tell at a glance that it was bristling with + bed-sitting rooms. + </p> + <p> + Mike knocked at the first door over which a card hung. + </p> + <p> + There is probably no more depressing experience in the world than the + process of engaging furnished apartments. Those who let furnished + apartments seem to take no joy in the act. Like Pooh-Bah, they do it, but + it revolts them. + </p> + <p> + In answer to Mike's knock, a female person opened the door. In appearance + she resembled a pantomime 'dame', inclining towards the restrained + melancholy of Mr Wilkie Bard rather than the joyous abandon of Mr George + Robey. Her voice she had modelled on the gramophone. Her most recent + occupation seemed to have been something with a good deal of yellow soap + in it. As a matter of fact—there are no secrets between our readers + and ourselves—she had been washing a shirt. A useful occupation, and + an honourable, but one that tends to produce a certain homeliness in the + appearance. + </p> + <p> + She wiped a pair of steaming hands on her apron, and regarded Mike with an + eye which would have been markedly expressionless in a boiled fish. + </p> + <p> + 'Was there anything?' she asked. + </p> + <p> + Mike felt that he was in for it now. He had not sufficient ease of manner + to back gracefully away and disappear, so he said that there was + something. In point of fact, he wanted a bed-sitting room. + </p> + <p> + 'Orkup stays,' said the pantomime dame. Which Mike interpreted to mean, + would he walk upstairs? + </p> + <p> + The procession moved up a dark flight of stairs until it came to a door. + The pantomime dame opened this, and shuffled through. Mike stood in the + doorway, and looked in. + </p> + <p> + It was a repulsive room. One of those characterless rooms which are only + found in furnished apartments. To Mike, used to the comforts of his + bedroom at home and the cheerful simplicity of a school dormitory, it + seemed about the most dismal spot he had ever struck. A sort of Sargasso + Sea among bedrooms. + </p> + <p> + He looked round in silence. Then he said: 'Yes.' There did not seem much + else to say. + </p> + <p> + 'It's a nice room,' said the pantomime dame. Which was a black lie. It was + not a nice room. It never had been a nice room. And it did not seem at all + probable that it ever would be a nice room. But it looked cheap. That was + the great thing. Nobody could have the assurance to charge much for a room + like that. A landlady with a conscience might even have gone to the length + of paying people some small sum by way of compensation to them for + sleeping in it. + </p> + <p> + 'About what?' queried Mike. Cheapness was the great consideration. He + understood that his salary at the bank would be about four pounds ten a + month, to begin with, and his father was allowing him five pounds a month. + One does not do things <i>en prince</i> on a hundred and fourteen pounds a + year. + </p> + <p> + The pantomime dame became slightly more animated. Prefacing her remarks by + a repetition of her statement that it was a nice room, she went on to say + that she could 'do' it at seven and sixpence per week 'for him'—giving + him to understand, presumably, that, if the Shah of Persia or Mr Carnegie + ever applied for a night's rest, they would sigh in vain for such easy + terms. And that included lights. Coals were to be looked on as an extra. + 'Sixpence a scuttle.' Attendance was thrown in. + </p> + <p> + Having stated these terms, she dribbled a piece of fluff under the bed, + after the manner of a professional Association footballer, and relapsed + into her former moody silence. + </p> + <p> + Mike said he thought that would be all right. The pantomime dame exhibited + no pleasure. + </p> + <p> + ''Bout meals?' she said. 'You'll be wanting breakfast. Bacon, aigs, an' + that, I suppose?' + </p> + <p> + Mike said he supposed so. + </p> + <p> + 'That'll be extra,' she said. 'And dinner? A chop, or a nice steak?' + </p> + <p> + Mike bowed before this original flight of fancy. A chop or a nice steak + seemed to be about what he might want. + </p> + <p> + 'That'll be extra,' said the pantomime dame in her best Wilkie Bard + manner. + </p> + <p> + Mike said yes, he supposed so. After which, having put down seven and + sixpence, one week's rent in advance, he was presented with a grubby + receipt and an enormous latchkey, and the <i>seance</i> was at an end. + Mike wandered out of the house. A few steps took him to the railings that + bounded the College grounds. It was late August, and the evenings had + begun to close in. The cricket-field looked very cool and spacious in the + dim light, with the school buildings looming vague and shadowy through the + slight mist. The little gate by the railway bridge was not locked. He went + in, and walked slowly across the turf towards the big clump of trees which + marked the division between the cricket and football fields. It was all + very pleasant and soothing after the pantomime dame and her stuffy + bed-sitting room. He sat down on a bench beside the second eleven + telegraph-board, and looked across the ground at the pavilion. For the + first time that day he began to feel really home-sick. Up till now the + excitement of a strange venture had borne him up; but the cricket-field + and the pavilion reminded him so sharply of Wrykyn. They brought home to + him with a cutting distinctness, the absolute finality of his break with + the old order of things. Summers would come and go, matches would be + played on this ground with all the glory of big scores and keen finishes; + but he was done. 'He was a jolly good bat at school. Top of the Wrykyn + averages two years. But didn't do anything after he left. Went into the + city or something.' That was what they would say of him, if they didn't + quite forget him. + </p> + <p> + The clock on the tower over the senior block chimed quarter after quarter, + but Mike sat on, thinking. It was quite late when he got up, and began to + walk back to Acacia Road. He felt cold and stiff and very miserable. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + 4. First Steps in a Business Career + </h2> + <p> + The City received Mike with the same aloofness with which the more western + portion of London had welcomed him on the previous day. Nobody seemed to + look at him. He was permitted to alight at St Paul's and make his way up + Queen Victoria Street without any demonstration. He followed the human + stream till he reached the Mansion House, and eventually found himself at + the massive building of the New Asiatic Bank, Limited. + </p> + <p> + The difficulty now was to know how to make an effective entrance. There + was the bank, and here was he. How had he better set about breaking it to + the authorities that he had positively arrived and was ready to start + earning his four pound ten <i>per mensem</i>? Inside, the bank seemed to + be in a state of some confusion. Men were moving about in an apparently + irresolute manner. Nobody seemed actually to be working. As a matter of + fact, the business of a bank does not start very early in the morning. + Mike had arrived before things had really begun to move. As he stood near + the doorway, one or two panting figures rushed up the steps, and flung + themselves at a large book which stood on the counter near the door. Mike + was to come to know this book well. In it, if you were an <i>employe</i> + of the New Asiatic Bank, you had to inscribe your name every morning. It + was removed at ten sharp to the accountant's room, and if you reached the + bank a certain number of times in the year too late to sign, bang went + your bonus. + </p> + <p> + After a while things began to settle down. The stir and confusion + gradually ceased. All down the length of the bank, figures could be seen, + seated on stools and writing hieroglyphics in large letters. A + benevolent-looking man, with spectacles and a straggling grey beard, + crossed the gangway close to where Mike was standing. Mike put the thing + to him, as man to man. + </p> + <p> + 'Could you tell me,' he said, 'what I'm supposed to do? I've just joined + the bank.' The benevolent man stopped, and looked at him with a pair of + mild blue eyes. 'I think, perhaps, that your best plan would be to see the + manager,' he said. 'Yes, I should certainly do that. He will tell you what + work you have to do. If you will permit me, I will show you the way.' + </p> + <p> + 'It's awfully good of you,' said Mike. He felt very grateful. After his + experience of London, it was a pleasant change to find someone who really + seemed to care what happened to him. His heart warmed to the benevolent + man. + </p> + <p> + 'It feels strange to you, perhaps, at first, Mr—' + </p> + <p> + 'Jackson.' + </p> + <p> + 'Mr Jackson. My name is Waller. I have been in the City some time, but I + can still recall my first day. But one shakes down. One shakes down quite + quickly. Here is the manager's room. If you go in, he will tell you what + to do.' + </p> + <p> + 'Thanks awfully,' said Mike. + </p> + <p> + 'Not at all.' He ambled off on the quest which Mike had interrupted, + turning, as he went, to bestow a mild smile of encouragement on the new + arrival. There was something about Mr Waller which reminded Mike + pleasantly of the White Knight in 'Alice through the Looking-glass.' + </p> + <p> + Mike knocked at the managerial door, and went in. + </p> + <p> + Two men were sitting at the table. The one facing the door was writing + when Mike went in. He continued to write all the time he was in the room. + Conversation between other people in his presence had apparently no + interest for him, nor was it able to disturb him in any way. + </p> + <p> + The other man was talking into a telephone. Mike waited till he had + finished. Then he coughed. The man turned round. Mike had thought, as he + looked at his back and heard his voice, that something about his + appearance or his way of speaking was familiar. He was right. The man in + the chair was Mr Bickersdyke, the cross-screen pedestrian. + </p> + <p> + These reunions are very awkward. Mike was frankly unequal to the + situation. Psmith, in his place, would have opened the conversation, and + relaxed the tension with some remark on the weather or the state of the + crops. Mike merely stood wrapped in silence, as in a garment. + </p> + <p> + That the recognition was mutual was evident from Mr Bickersdyke's look. + But apart from this, he gave no sign of having already had the pleasure of + making Mike's acquaintance. He merely stared at him as if he were a blot + on the arrangement of the furniture, and said, 'Well?' + </p> + <p> + The most difficult parts to play in real life as well as on the stage are + those in which no 'business' is arranged for the performer. It was all + very well for Mr Bickersdyke. He had been 'discovered sitting'. But Mike + had had to enter, and he wished now that there was something he could do + instead of merely standing and speaking. + </p> + <p> + 'I've come,' was the best speech he could think of. It was not a good + speech. It was too sinister. He felt that even as he said it. It was the + sort of thing Mephistopheles would have said to Faust by way of opening + conversation. And he was not sure, either, whether he ought not to have + added, 'Sir.' + </p> + <p> + Apparently such subtleties of address were not necessary, for Mr + Bickersdyke did not start up and shout, 'This language to me!' or anything + of that kind. He merely said, 'Oh! And who are you?' + </p> + <p> + 'Jackson,' said Mike. It was irritating, this assumption on Mr + Bickersdyke's part that they had never met before. + </p> + <p> + 'Jackson? Ah, yes. You have joined the staff?' + </p> + <p> + Mike rather liked this way of putting it. It lent a certain dignity to the + proceedings, making him feel like some important person for whose services + there had been strenuous competition. He seemed to see the bank's + directors being reassured by the chairman. ('I am happy to say, gentlemen, + that our profits for the past year are 3,000,006-2-2 1/2 pounds—(cheers)—and'—impressively—'that + we have finally succeeded in inducing Mr Mike Jackson—(sensation)—to—er—in + fact, to join the staff!' (Frantic cheers, in which the chairman joined.) + </p> + <p> + 'Yes,' he said. + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke pressed a bell on the table beside him, and picking up a + pen, began to write. Of Mike he took no further notice, leaving that toy + of Fate standing stranded in the middle of the room. + </p> + <p> + After a few moments one of the men in fancy dress, whom Mike had seen + hanging about the gangway, and whom he afterwards found to be messengers, + appeared. Mr Bickersdyke looked up. + </p> + <p> + 'Ask Mr Bannister to step this way,' he said. + </p> + <p> + The messenger disappeared, and presently the door opened again to admit a + shock-headed youth with paper cuff-protectors round his wrists. + </p> + <p> + 'This is Mr Jackson, a new member of the staff. He will take your place in + the postage department. You will go into the cash department, under Mr + Waller. Kindly show him what he has to do.' + </p> + <p> + Mike followed Mr Bannister out. On the other side of the door the + shock-headed one became communicative. + </p> + <p> + 'Whew!' he said, mopping his brow. 'That's the sort of thing which gives + me the pip. When William came and said old Bick wanted to see me, I said + to him, "William, my boy, my number is up. This is the sack." I made + certain that Rossiter had run me in for something. He's been waiting for a + chance to do it for weeks, only I've been as good as gold and haven't + given it him. I pity you going into the postage. There's one thing, + though. If you can stick it for about a month, you'll get through all + right. Men are always leaving for the East, and then you get shunted on + into another department, and the next new man goes into the postage. + That's the best of this place. It's not like one of those banks where you + stay in London all your life. You only have three years here, and then you + get your orders, and go to one of the branches in the East, where you're + the dickens of a big pot straight away, with a big screw and a dozen + native Johnnies under you. Bit of all right, that. I shan't get my orders + for another two and a half years and more, worse luck. Still, it's + something to look forward to.' + </p> + <p> + 'Who's Rossiter?' asked Mike. + </p> + <p> + 'The head of the postage department. Fussy little brute. Won't leave you + alone. Always trying to catch you on the hop. There's one thing, though. + The work in the postage is pretty simple. You can't make many mistakes, if + you're careful. It's mostly entering letters and stamping them.' + </p> + <p> + They turned in at the door in the counter, and arrived at a desk which ran + parallel to the gangway. There was a high rack running along it, on which + were several ledgers. Tall, green-shaded electric lamps gave it rather a + cosy look. + </p> + <p> + As they reached the desk, a little man with short, black whiskers buzzed + out from behind a glass screen, where there was another desk. + </p> + <p> + 'Where have you been, Bannister, where have you been? You must not leave + your work in this way. There are several letters waiting to be entered. + Where have you been?' + </p> + <p> + 'Mr Bickersdyke sent for me,' said Bannister, with the calm triumph of one + who trumps an ace. + </p> + <p> + 'Oh! Ah! Oh! Yes, very well. I see. But get to work, get to work. Who is + this?' + </p> + <p> + 'This is a new man. He's taking my place. I've been moved on to the cash.' + </p> + <p> + 'Oh! Ah! Is your name Smith?' asked Mr Rossiter, turning to Mike. + </p> + <p> + Mike corrected the rash guess, and gave his name. It struck him as a + curious coincidence that he should be asked if his name were Smith, of all + others. Not that it is an uncommon name. + </p> + <p> + 'Mr Bickersdyke told me to expect a Mr Smith. Well, well, perhaps there + are two new men. Mr Bickersdyke knows we are short-handed in this + department. But, come along, Bannister, come along. Show Jackson what he + has to do. We must get on. There is no time to waste.' + </p> + <p> + He buzzed back to his lair. Bannister grinned at Mike. He was a cheerful + youth. His normal expression was a grin. + </p> + <p> + 'That's a sample of Rossiter,' he said. 'You'd think from the fuss he's + made that the business of the place was at a standstill till we got to + work. Perfect rot! There's never anything to do here till after lunch, + except checking the stamps and petty cash, and I've done that ages ago. + There are three letters. You may as well enter them. It all looks like + work. But you'll find the best way is to wait till you get a couple of + dozen or so, and then work them off in a batch. But if you see Rossiter + about, then start stamping something or writing something, or he'll run + you in for neglecting your job. He's a nut. I'm jolly glad I'm under old + Waller now. He's the pick of the bunch. The other heads of departments are + all nuts, and Bickersdyke's the nuttiest of the lot. Now, look here. This + is all you've got to do. I'll just show you, and then you can manage for + yourself. I shall have to be shunting off to my own work in a minute.' + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + 5. The Other Man + </h2> + <p> + As Bannister had said, the work in the postage department was not + intricate. There was nothing much to do except enter and stamp letters, + and, at intervals, take them down to the post office at the end of the + street. The nature of the work gave Mike plenty of time for reflection. + </p> + <p> + His thoughts became gloomy again. All this was very far removed from the + life to which he had looked forward. There are some people who take + naturally to a life of commerce. Mike was not of these. To him the + restraint of the business was irksome. He had been used to an open-air + life, and a life, in its way, of excitement. He gathered that he would not + be free till five o'clock, and that on the following day he would come at + ten and go at five, and the same every day, except Saturdays and Sundays, + all the year round, with a ten days' holiday. The monotony of the prospect + appalled him. He was not old enough to know what a narcotic is Habit, and + that one can become attached to and interested in the most unpromising + jobs. He worked away dismally at his letters till he had finished them. + Then there was nothing to do except sit and wait for more. + </p> + <p> + He looked through the letters he had stamped, and re-read the addresses. + Some of them were directed to people living in the country, one to a house + which he knew quite well, near to his own home in Shropshire. It made him + home-sick, conjuring up visions of shady gardens and country sounds and + smells, and the silver Severn gleaming in the distance through the trees. + About now, if he were not in this dismal place, he would be lying in the + shade in the garden with a book, or wandering down to the river to boat or + bathe. That envelope addressed to the man in Shropshire gave him the worst + moment he had experienced that day. + </p> + <p> + The time crept slowly on to one o'clock. At two minutes past Mike awoke + from a day-dream to find Mr Waller standing by his side. The cashier had + his hat on. + </p> + <p> + 'I wonder,' said Mr Waller, 'if you would care to come out to lunch. I + generally go about this time, and Mr Rossiter, I know, does not go out + till two. I thought perhaps that, being unused to the City, you might have + some difficulty in finding your way about.' + </p> + <p> + 'It's awfully good of you,' said Mike. 'I should like to.' + </p> + <p> + The other led the way through the streets and down obscure alleys till + they came to a chop-house. Here one could have the doubtful pleasure of + seeing one's chop in its various stages of evolution. Mr Waller ordered + lunch with the care of one to whom lunch is no slight matter. Few workers + in the City do regard lunch as a trivial affair. It is the keynote of + their day. It is an oasis in a desert of ink and ledgers. Conversation in + city office deals, in the morning, with what one is going to have for + lunch, and in the afternoon with what one has had for lunch. + </p> + <p> + At intervals during the meal Mr Waller talked. Mike was content to listen. + There was something soothing about the grey-bearded one. + </p> + <p> + 'What sort of a man is Bickersdyke?' asked Mike. + </p> + <p> + 'A very able man. A very able man indeed. I'm afraid he's not popular in + the office. A little inclined, perhaps, to be hard on mistakes. I can + remember the time when he was quite different. He and I were fellow clerks + in Morton and Blatherwick's. He got on better than I did. A great fellow + for getting on. They say he is to be the Unionist candidate for + Kenningford when the time comes. A great worker, but perhaps not quite the + sort of man to be generally popular in an office.' + </p> + <p> + 'He's a blighter,' was Mike's verdict. Mr Waller made no comment. Mike was + to learn later that the manager and the cashier, despite the fact that + they had been together in less prosperous days—or possibly because + of it—were not on very good terms. Mr Bickersdyke was a man of + strong prejudices, and he disliked the cashier, whom he looked down upon + as one who had climbed to a lower rung of the ladder than he himself had + reached. + </p> + <p> + As the hands of the chop-house clock reached a quarter to two, Mr Waller + rose, and led the way back to the office, where they parted for their + respective desks. Gratitude for any good turn done to him was a leading + characteristic of Mike's nature, and he felt genuinely grateful to the + cashier for troubling to seek him out and be friendly to him. + </p> + <p> + His three-quarters-of-an-hour absence had led to the accumulation of a + small pile of letters on his desk. He sat down and began to work them off. + The addresses continued to exercise a fascination for him. He was miles + away from the office, speculating on what sort of a man J. B. Garside, + Esq, was, and whether he had a good time at his house in Worcestershire, + when somebody tapped him on the shoulder. + </p> + <p> + He looked up. + </p> + <p> + Standing by his side, immaculately dressed as ever, with his eye-glass + fixed and a gentle smile on his face, was Psmith. + </p> + <p> + Mike stared. + </p> + <p> + 'Commerce,' said Psmith, as he drew off his lavender gloves, 'has claimed + me for her own. Comrade of old, I, too, have joined this blighted + institution.' + </p> + <p> + As he spoke, there was a whirring noise in the immediate neighbourhood, + and Mr Rossiter buzzed out from his den with the <i>esprit</i> and + animation of a clock-work toy. + </p> + <p> + 'Who's here?' said Psmith with interest, removing his eye-glass, polishing + it, and replacing it in his eye. + </p> + <p> + 'Mr Jackson,' exclaimed Mr Rossiter. 'I really must ask you to be good + enough to come in from your lunch at the proper time. It was fully seven + minutes to two when you returned, and—' + </p> + <p> + 'That little more,' sighed Psmith, 'and how much is it!' + </p> + <p> + 'Who are you?' snapped Mr Rossiter, turning on him. + </p> + <p> + 'I shall be delighted, Comrade—' + </p> + <p> + 'Rossiter,' said Mike, aside. + </p> + <p> + 'Comrade Rossiter. I shall be delighted to furnish you with particulars of + my family history. As follows. Soon after the Norman Conquest, a certain + Sieur de Psmith grew tired of work—a family failing, alas!—and + settled down in this country to live peacefully for the remainder of his + life on what he could extract from the local peasantry. He may be + described as the founder of the family which ultimately culminated in Me. + Passing on—' + </p> + <p> + Mr Rossiter refused to pass on. + </p> + <p> + 'What are you doing here? What have you come for?' + </p> + <p> + 'Work,' said Psmith, with simple dignity. 'I am now a member of the staff + of this bank. Its interests are my interests. Psmith, the individual, + ceases to exist, and there springs into being Psmith, the cog in the wheel + of the New Asiatic Bank; Psmith, the link in the bank's chain; Psmith, the + Worker. I shall not spare myself,' he proceeded earnestly. 'I shall toil + with all the accumulated energy of one who, up till now, has only known + what work is like from hearsay. Whose is that form sitting on the steps of + the bank in the morning, waiting eagerly for the place to open? It is the + form of Psmith, the Worker. Whose is that haggard, drawn face which bends + over a ledger long after the other toilers have sped blithely westwards to + dine at Lyons' Popular Cafe? It is the face of Psmith, the Worker.' + </p> + <p> + 'I—' began Mr Rossiter. + </p> + <p> + 'I tell you,' continued Psmith, waving aside the interruption and tapping + the head of the department rhythmically in the region of the second + waistcoat-button with a long finger, 'I tell <i>you</i>, Comrade Rossiter, + that you have got hold of a good man. You and I together, not forgetting + Comrade Jackson, the pet of the Smart Set, will toil early and late till + we boost up this Postage Department into a shining model of what a Postage + Department should be. What that is, at present, I do not exactly know. + However. Excursion trains will be run from distant shires to see this + Postage Department. American visitors to London will do it before going on + to the Tower. And now,' he broke off, with a crisp, businesslike + intonation, 'I must ask you to excuse me. Much as I have enjoyed this + little chat, I fear it must now cease. The time has come to work. Our + trade rivals are getting ahead of us. The whisper goes round, "Rossiter + and Psmith are talking, not working," and other firms prepare to pinch our + business. Let me Work.' + </p> + <p> + Two minutes later, Mr Rossiter was sitting at his desk with a dazed + expression, while Psmith, perched gracefully on a stool, entered figures + in a ledger. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + 6. Psmith Explains + </h2> + <p> + For the space of about twenty-five minutes Psmith sat in silence, + concentrated on his ledger, the picture of the model bank-clerk. Then he + flung down his pen, slid from his stool with a satisfied sigh, and dusted + his waistcoat. 'A commercial crisis,' he said, 'has passed. The job of + work which Comrade Rossiter indicated for me has been completed with + masterly skill. The period of anxiety is over. The bank ceases to totter. + Are you busy, Comrade Jackson, or shall we chat awhile?' + </p> + <p> + Mike was not busy. He had worked off the last batch of letters, and there + was nothing to do but to wait for the next, or—happy thought—to + take the present batch down to the post, and so get out into the sunshine + and fresh air for a short time. 'I rather think I'll nip down to the + post-office,' said he, 'You couldn't come too, I suppose?' + </p> + <p> + 'On the contrary,' said Psmith, 'I could, and will. A stroll will just + restore those tissues which the gruelling work of the last half-hour has + wasted away. It is a fearful strain, this commercial toil. Let us trickle + towards the post office. I will leave my hat and gloves as a guarantee of + good faith. The cry will go round, "Psmith has gone! Some rival + institution has kidnapped him!" Then they will see my hat,'—he built + up a foundation of ledgers, planted a long ruler in the middle, and hung + his hat on it—'my gloves,'—he stuck two pens into the desk and + hung a lavender glove on each—'and they will sink back swooning with + relief. The awful suspense will be over. They will say, "No, he has not + gone permanently. Psmith will return. When the fields are white with + daisies he'll return." And now, Comrade Jackson, lead me to this + picturesque little post-office of yours of which I have heard so much.' + </p> + <p> + Mike picked up the long basket into which he had thrown the letters after + entering the addresses in his ledger, and they moved off down the aisle. + No movement came from Mr Rossiter's lair. Its energetic occupant was hard + at work. They could just see part of his hunched-up back. + </p> + <p> + 'I wish Comrade Downing could see us now,' said Psmith. 'He always set us + down as mere idlers. Triflers. Butterflies. It would be a wholesome + corrective for him to watch us perspiring like this in the cause of + Commerce.' + </p> + <p> + 'You haven't told me yet what on earth you're doing here,' said Mike. 'I + thought you were going to the 'Varsity. Why the dickens are you in a bank? + Your pater hasn't lost his money, has he?' + </p> + <p> + 'No. There is still a tolerable supply of doubloons in the old oak chest. + Mine is a painful story.' + </p> + <p> + 'It always is,' said Mike. + </p> + <p> + 'You are very right, Comrade Jackson. I am the victim of Fate. Ah, so you + put the little chaps in there, do you?' he said, as Mike, reaching the + post-office, began to bundle the letters into the box. 'You seem to have + grasped your duties with admirable promptitude. It is the same with me. I + fancy we are both born men of Commerce. In a few years we shall be + pinching Comrade Bickersdyke's job. And talking of Comrade B. brings me + back to my painful story. But I shall never have time to tell it to you + during our walk back. Let us drift aside into this tea-shop. We can order + a buckwheat cake or a butter-nut, or something equally succulent, and + carefully refraining from consuming these dainties, I will tell you all.' + </p> + <p> + 'Right O!' said Mike. + </p> + <p> + 'When last I saw you,' resumed Psmith, hanging Mike's basket on the + hat-stand and ordering two portions of porridge, 'you may remember that a + serious crisis in my affairs had arrived. My father inflamed with the idea + of Commerce had invited Comrade Bickersdyke—' + </p> + <p> + 'When did you know he was a manager here?' asked Mike. + </p> + <p> + 'At an early date. I have my spies everywhere. However, my pater invited + Comrade Bickersdyke to our house for the weekend. Things turned out rather + unfortunately. Comrade B. resented my purely altruistic efforts to improve + him mentally and morally. Indeed, on one occasion he went so far as to + call me an impudent young cub, and to add that he wished he had me under + him in his bank, where, he asserted, he would knock some of the nonsense + out of me. All very painful. I tell you, Comrade Jackson, for the moment + it reduced my delicately vibrating ganglions to a mere frazzle. Recovering + myself, I made a few blithe remarks, and we then parted. I cannot say that + we parted friends, but at any rate I bore him no ill-will. I was still + determined to make him a credit to me. My feelings towards him were those + of some kindly father to his prodigal son. But he, if I may say so, was + fairly on the hop. And when my pater, after dinner the same night, played + into his hands by mentioning that he thought I ought to plunge into a + career of commerce, Comrade B. was, I gather, all over him. Offered to + make a vacancy for me in the bank, and to take me on at once. My pater, + feeling that this was the real hustle which he admired so much, had me in, + stated his case, and said, in effect, "How do we go?" I intimated that + Comrade Bickersdyke was my greatest chum on earth. So the thing was fixed + up and here I am. But you are not getting on with your porridge, Comrade + Jackson. Perhaps you don't care for porridge? Would you like a finnan + haddock, instead? Or a piece of shortbread? You have only to say the + word.' + </p> + <p> + 'It seems to me,' said Mike gloomily, 'that we are in for a pretty rotten + time of it in this bally bank. If Bickersdyke's got his knife into us, he + can make it jolly warm for us. He's got his knife into me all right about + that walking-across-the-screen business.' + </p> + <p> + 'True,' said Psmith, 'to a certain extent. It is an undoubted fact that + Comrade Bickersdyke will have a jolly good try at making life a nuisance + to us; but, on the other hand, I propose, so far as in me lies, to make + things moderately unrestful for him, here and there.' + </p> + <p> + 'But you can't,' objected Mike. 'What I mean to say is, it isn't like a + school. If you wanted to score off a master at school, you could always + rag and so on. But here you can't. How can you rag a man who's sitting all + day in a room of his own while you're sweating away at a desk at the other + end of the building?' + </p> + <p> + 'You put the case with admirable clearness, Comrade Jackson,' said Psmith + approvingly. 'At the hard-headed, common-sense business you sneak the + biscuit every time with ridiculous ease. But you do not know all. I do not + propose to do a thing in the bank except work. I shall be a model as far + as work goes. I shall be flawless. I shall bound to do Comrade Rossiter's + bidding like a highly trained performing dog. It is outside the bank, when + I have staggered away dazed with toil, that I shall resume my attention to + the education of Comrade Bickersdyke.' + </p> + <p> + 'But, dash it all, how can you? You won't see him. He'll go off home, or + to his club, or—' + </p> + <p> + Psmith tapped him earnestly on the chest. + </p> + <p> + 'There, Comrade Jackson,' he said, 'you have hit the bull's-eye, rung the + bell, and gathered in the cigar or cocoanut according to choice. He <i>will</i> + go off to his club. And I shall do precisely the same.' + </p> + <p> + 'How do you mean?' + </p> + <p> + 'It is this way. My father, as you may have noticed during your stay at + our stately home of England, is a man of a warm, impulsive character. He + does not always do things as other people would do them. He has his own + methods. Thus, he has sent me into the City to do the hard-working, + bank-clerk act, but at the same time he is allowing me just as large an + allowance as he would have given me if I had gone to the 'Varsity. + Moreover, while I was still at Eton he put my name up for his clubs, the + Senior Conservative among others. My pater belongs to four clubs + altogether, and in course of time, when my name comes up for election, I + shall do the same. Meanwhile, I belong to one, the Senior Conservative. It + is a bigger club than the others, and your name comes up for election + sooner. About the middle of last month a great yell of joy made the West + End of London shake like a jelly. The three thousand members of the Senior + Conservative had just learned that I had been elected.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith paused, and ate some porridge. + </p> + <p> + 'I wonder why they call this porridge,' he observed with mild interest. + 'It would be far more manly and straightforward of them to give it its + real name. To resume. I have gleaned, from casual chit-chat with my + father, that Comrade Bickersdyke also infests the Senior Conservative. You + might think that that would make me, seeing how particular I am about whom + I mix with, avoid the club. Error. I shall go there every day. If Comrade + Bickersdyke wishes to emend any little traits in my character of which he + may disapprove, he shall never say that I did not give him the + opportunity. I shall mix freely with Comrade Bickersdyke at the Senior + Conservative Club. I shall be his constant companion. I shall, in short, + haunt the man. By these strenuous means I shall, as it were, get a bit of + my own back. And now,' said Psmith, rising, 'it might be as well, perhaps, + to return to the bank and resume our commercial duties. I don't know how + long you are supposed to be allowed for your little trips to and from the + post-office, but, seeing that the distance is about thirty yards, I should + say at a venture not more than half an hour. Which is exactly the space of + time which has flitted by since we started out on this important + expedition. Your devotion to porridge, Comrade Jackson, has led to our + spending about twenty-five minutes in this hostelry.' + </p> + <p> + 'Great Scott,' said Mike, 'there'll be a row.' + </p> + <p> + 'Some slight temporary breeze, perhaps,' said Psmith. 'Annoying to men of + culture and refinement, but not lasting. My only fear is lest we may have + worried Comrade Rossiter at all. I regard Comrade Rossiter as an elder + brother, and would not cause him a moment's heart-burning for worlds. + However, we shall soon know,' he added, as they passed into the bank and + walked up the aisle, 'for there is Comrade Rossiter waiting to receive us + in person.' + </p> + <p> + The little head of the Postage Department was moving restlessly about in + the neighbourhood of Psmith's and Mike's desk. + </p> + <p> + 'Am I mistaken,' said Psmith to Mike, 'or is there the merest suspicion of + a worried look on our chief's face? It seems to me that there is the + slightest soupcon of shadow about that broad, calm brow.' + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + 7. Going into Winter Quarters + </h2> + <p> + There was. + </p> + <p> + Mr Rossiter had discovered Psmith's and Mike's absence about five minutes + after they had left the building. Ever since then, he had been popping out + of his lair at intervals of three minutes, to see whether they had + returned. Constant disappointment in this respect had rendered him + decidedly jumpy. When Psmith and Mike reached the desk, he was a kind of + human soda-water bottle. He fizzed over with questions, reproofs, and + warnings. + </p> + <p> + 'What does it mean? What does it mean?' he cried. 'Where have you been? + Where have you been?' + </p> + <p> + 'Poetry,' said Psmith approvingly. + </p> + <p> + 'You have been absent from your places for over half an hour. Why? Why? + Why? Where have you been? Where have you been? I cannot have this. It is + preposterous. Where have you been? Suppose Mr Bickersdyke had happened to + come round here. I should not have known what to say to him.' + </p> + <p> + 'Never an easy man to chat with, Comrade Bickersdyke,' agreed Psmith. + </p> + <p> + 'You must thoroughly understand that you are expected to remain in your + places during business hours.' + </p> + <p> + 'Of course,' said Psmith, 'that makes it a little hard for Comrade Jackson + to post letters, does it not?' + </p> + <p> + 'Have you been posting letters?' + </p> + <p> + 'We have,' said Psmith. 'You have wronged us. Seeing our absent places you + jumped rashly to the conclusion that we were merely gadding about in + pursuit of pleasure. Error. All the while we were furthering the bank's + best interests by posting letters.' + </p> + <p> + 'You had no business to leave your place. Jackson is on the posting desk.' + </p> + <p> + 'You are very right,' said Psmith, 'and it shall not occur again. It was + only because it was the first day, Comrade Jackson is not used to the stir + and bustle of the City. His nerve failed him. He shrank from going to the + post-office alone. So I volunteered to accompany him. And,' concluded + Psmith, impressively, 'we won safely through. Every letter has been + posted.' + </p> + <p> + 'That need not have taken you half an hour.' + </p> + <p> + 'True. And the actual work did not. It was carried through swiftly and + surely. But the nerve-strain had left us shaken. Before resuming our more + ordinary duties we had to refresh. A brief breathing-space, a little + coffee and porridge, and here we are, fit for work once more.' + </p> + <p> + 'If it occurs again, I shall report the matter to Mr Bickersdyke.' + </p> + <p> + 'And rightly so,' said Psmith, earnestly. 'Quite rightly so. Discipline, + discipline. That is the cry. There must be no shirking of painful duties. + Sentiment must play no part in business. Rossiter, the man, may + sympathise, but Rossiter, the Departmental head, must be adamant.' + </p> + <p> + Mr Rossiter pondered over this for a moment, then went off on a + side-issue. + </p> + <p> + 'What is the meaning of this foolery?' he asked, pointing to Psmith's + gloves and hat. 'Suppose Mr Bickersdyke had come round and seen them, what + should I have said?' + </p> + <p> + 'You would have given him a message of cheer. You would have said, "All is + well. Psmith has not left us. He will come back. And Comrade Bickersdyke, + relieved, would have—"' + </p> + <p> + 'You do not seem very busy, Mr Smith.' + </p> + <p> + Both Psmith and Mr Rossiter were startled. + </p> + <p> + Mr Rossiter jumped as if somebody had run a gimlet into him, and even + Psmith started slightly. They had not heard Mr Bickersdyke approaching. + Mike, who had been stolidly entering addresses in his ledger during the + latter part of the conversation, was also taken by surprise. + </p> + <p> + Psmith was the first to recover. Mr Rossiter was still too confused for + speech, but Psmith took the situation in hand. + </p> + <p> + 'Apparently no,' he said, swiftly removing his hat from the ruler. 'In + reality, yes. Mr Rossiter and I were just scheming out a line of work for + me as you came up. If you had arrived a moment later, you would have found + me toiling.' + </p> + <p> + 'H'm. I hope I should. We do not encourage idling in this bank.' + </p> + <p> + 'Assuredly not,' said Psmith warmly. 'Most assuredly not. I would not have + it otherwise. I am a worker. A bee, not a drone. A <i>Lusitania,</i> not a + limpet. Perhaps I have not yet that grip on my duties which I shall soon + acquire; but it is coming. It is coming. I see daylight.' + </p> + <p> + 'H'm. I have only your word for it.' He turned to Mr Rossiter, who had now + recovered himself, and was as nearly calm as it was in his nature to be. + 'Do you find Mr Smith's work satisfactory, Mr Rossiter?' + </p> + <p> + Psmith waited resignedly for an outburst of complaint respecting the small + matter that had been under discussion between the head of the department + and himself; but to his surprise it did not come. + </p> + <p> + 'Oh—ah—quite, quite, Mr Bickersdyke. I think he will very soon + pick things up.' + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke turned away. He was a conscientious bank manager, and one + can only suppose that Mr Rossiter's tribute to the earnestness of one of + his <i>employes</i> was gratifying to him. But for that, one would have + said that he was disappointed. + </p> + <p> + 'Oh, Mr Bickersdyke,' said Psmith. + </p> + <p> + The manager stopped. + </p> + <p> + 'Father sent his kind regards to you,' said Psmith benevolently. + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke walked off without comment. + </p> + <p> + 'An uncommonly cheery, companionable feller,' murmured Psmith, as he + turned to his work. + </p> + <p> + The first day anywhere, if one spends it in a sedentary fashion, always + seemed unending; and Mike felt as if he had been sitting at his desk for + weeks when the hour for departure came. A bank's day ends gradually, + reluctantly, as it were. At about five there is a sort of stir, not unlike + the stir in a theatre when the curtain is on the point of falling. Ledgers + are closed with a bang. Men stand about and talk for a moment or two + before going to the basement for their hats and coats. Then, at irregular + intervals, forms pass down the central aisle and out through the swing + doors. There is an air of relaxation over the place, though some + departments are still working as hard as ever under a blaze of electric + light. Somebody begins to sing, and an instant chorus of protests and + maledictions rises from all sides. Gradually, however, the electric lights + go out. The procession down the centre aisle becomes more regular; and + eventually the place is left to darkness and the night watchman. + </p> + <p> + The postage department was one of the last to be freed from duty. This was + due to the inconsiderateness of the other departments, which omitted to + disgorge their letters till the last moment. Mike as he grew familiar with + the work, and began to understand it, used to prowl round the other + departments during the afternoon and wrest letters from them, usually + receiving with them much abuse for being a nuisance and not leaving honest + workers alone. Today, however, he had to sit on till nearly six, waiting + for the final batch of correspondence. + </p> + <p> + Psmith, who had waited patiently with him, though his own work was + finished, accompanied him down to the post office and back again to the + bank to return the letter basket; and they left the office together. + </p> + <p> + 'By the way,' said Psmith, 'what with the strenuous labours of the bank + and the disturbing interviews with the powers that be, I have omitted to + ask you where you are digging. Wherever it is, of course you must clear + out. It is imperative, in this crisis, that we should be together. I have + acquired a quite snug little flat in Clement's Inn. There is a spare + bedroom. It shall be yours.' + </p> + <p> + 'My dear chap,' said Mike, 'it's all rot. I can't sponge on you.' + </p> + <p> + 'You pain me, Comrade Jackson. I was not suggesting such a thing. We are + business men, hard-headed young bankers. I make you a business + proposition. I offer you the post of confidential secretary and adviser to + me in exchange for a comfortable home. The duties will be light. You will + be required to refuse invitations to dinner from crowned heads, and to + listen attentively to my views on Life. Apart from this, there is little + to do. So that's settled.' + </p> + <p> + 'It isn't,' said Mike. 'I—' + </p> + <p> + 'You will enter upon your duties tonight. Where are you suspended at + present?' + </p> + <p> + 'Dulwich. But, look here—' + </p> + <p> + 'A little more, and you'll get the sack. I tell you the thing is settled. + Now, let us hail yon taximeter cab, and desire the stern-faced aristocrat + on the box to drive us to Dulwich. We will then collect a few of your + things in a bag, have the rest off by train, come back in the taxi, and go + and bite a chop at the Carlton. This is a momentous day in our careers, + Comrade Jackson. We must buoy ourselves up.' + </p> + <p> + Mike made no further objections. The thought of that bed-sitting room in + Acacia Road and the pantomime dame rose up and killed them. After all, + Psmith was not like any ordinary person. There would be no question of + charity. Psmith had invited him to the flat in exactly the same spirit as + he had invited him to his house for the cricket week. + </p> + <p> + 'You know,' said Psmith, after a silence, as they flitted through the + streets in the taximeter, 'one lives and learns. Were you so wrapped up in + your work this afternoon that you did not hear my very entertaining little + chat with Comrade Bickersdyke, or did it happen to come under your notice? + It did? Then I wonder if you were struck by the singular conduct of + Comrade Rossiter?' + </p> + <p> + 'I thought it rather decent of him not to give you away to that blighter + Bickersdyke.' + </p> + <p> + 'Admirably put. It was precisely that that struck me. He had his opening, + all ready made for him, but he refrained from depositing me in the soup. I + tell you, Comrade Jackson, my rugged old heart was touched. I said to + myself, "There must be good in Comrade Rossiter, after all. I must + cultivate him." I shall make it my business to be kind to our Departmental + head. He deserves the utmost consideration. His action shone like a good + deed in a wicked world. Which it was, of course. From today onwards I take + Comrade Rossiter under my wing. We seem to be getting into a tolerably + benighted quarter. Are we anywhere near? "Through Darkest Dulwich in a + Taximeter."' + </p> + <p> + The cab arrived at Dulwich station, and Mike stood up to direct the + driver. They whirred down Acacia Road. Mike stopped the cab and got out. A + brief and somewhat embarrassing interview with the pantomime dame, during + which Mike was separated from a week's rent in lieu of notice, and he was + in the cab again, bound for Clement's Inn. + </p> + <p> + His feelings that night differed considerably from the frame of mind in + which he had gone to bed the night before. It was partly a very excellent + dinner and partly the fact that Psmith's flat, though at present in some + disorder, was obviously going to be extremely comfortable, that worked the + change. But principally it was due to his having found an ally. The + gnawing loneliness had gone. He did not look forward to a career of + Commerce with any greater pleasure than before; but there was no doubt + that with Psmith, it would be easier to get through the time after office + hours. If all went well in the bank he might find that he had not drawn + such a bad ticket after all. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + 8. The Friendly Native + </h2> + <p> + 'The first principle of warfare,' said Psmith at breakfast next morning, + doling out bacon and eggs with the air of a medieval monarch distributing + largesse, 'is to collect a gang, to rope in allies, to secure the + cooperation of some friendly native. You may remember that at Sedleigh it + was partly the sympathetic cooperation of that record blitherer, Comrade + Jellicoe, which enabled us to nip the pro-Spiller movement in the bud. It + is the same in the present crisis. What Comrade Jellicoe was to us at + Sedleigh, Comrade Rossiter must be in the City. We must make an ally of + that man. Once I know that he and I are as brothers, and that he will look + with a lenient and benevolent eye on any little shortcomings in my work, I + shall be able to devote my attention whole-heartedly to the moral + reformation of Comrade Bickersdyke, that man of blood. I look on Comrade + Bickersdyke as a bargee of the most pronounced type; and anything I can do + towards making him a decent member of Society shall be done freely and + ungrudgingly. A trifle more tea, Comrade Jackson?' + </p> + <p> + 'No, thanks,' said Mike. 'I've done. By Jove, Smith, this flat of yours is + all right.' + </p> + <p> + 'Not bad,' assented Psmith, 'not bad. Free from squalor to a great extent. + I have a number of little objects of <i>vertu</i> coming down shortly from + the old homestead. Pictures, and so on. It will be by no means un-snug + when they are up. Meanwhile, I can rough it. We are old campaigners, we + Psmiths. Give us a roof, a few comfortable chairs, a sofa or two, half a + dozen cushions, and decent meals, and we do not repine. Reverting once + more to Comrade Rossiter—' + </p> + <p> + 'Yes, what about him?' said Mike. 'You'll have a pretty tough job turning + him into a friendly native, I should think. How do you mean to start?' + </p> + <p> + Psmith regarded him with a benevolent eye. + </p> + <p> + 'There is but one way,' he said. 'Do you remember the case of Comrade + Outwood, at Sedleigh? How did we corral him, and become to him practically + as long-lost sons?' + </p> + <p> + 'We got round him by joining the Archaeological Society.' + </p> + <p> + 'Precisely,' said Psmith. 'Every man has his hobby. The thing is to find + it out. In the case of comrade Rossiter, I should say that it would be + either postage stamps, dried seaweed, or Hall Caine. I shall endeavour to + find out today. A few casual questions, and the thing is done. Shall we be + putting in an appearance at the busy hive now? If we are to continue in + the running for the bonus stakes, it would be well to start soon.' + </p> + <p> + Mike's first duty at the bank that morning was to check the stamps and + petty cash. While he was engaged on this task, he heard Psmith conversing + affably with Mr Rossiter. + </p> + <p> + 'Good morning,' said Psmith. + </p> + <p> + 'Morning,' replied his chief, doing sleight-of-hand tricks with a bundle + of letters which lay on his desk. 'Get on with your work, Psmith. We have + a lot before us.' + </p> + <p> + 'Undoubtedly. I am all impatience. I should say that in an institution + like this, dealing as it does with distant portions of the globe, a + philatelist would have excellent opportunities of increasing his + collection. With me, stamp-collecting has always been a positive craze. I—' + </p> + <p> + 'I have no time for nonsense of that sort myself,' said Mr Rossiter. 'I + should advise you, if you mean to get on, to devote more time to your work + and less to stamps.' + </p> + <p> + 'I will start at once. Dried seaweed, again—' + </p> + <p> + 'Get on with your work, Smith.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith retired to his desk. + </p> + <p> + 'This,' he said to Mike, 'is undoubtedly something in the nature of a + set-back. I have drawn blank. The papers bring out posters, "Psmith + Baffled." I must try again. Meanwhile, to work. Work, the hobby of the + philosopher and the poor man's friend.' + </p> + <p> + The morning dragged slowly on without incident. At twelve o'clock Mike had + to go out and buy stamps, which he subsequently punched in the + punching-machine in the basement, a not very exhilarating job in which he + was assisted by one of the bank messengers, who discoursed learnedly on + roses during the <i>seance</i>. Roses were his hobby. Mike began to see + that Psmith had reason in his assumption that the way to every man's heart + was through his hobby. Mike made a firm friend of William, the messenger, + by displaying an interest and a certain knowledge of roses. At the same + time the conversation had the bad effect of leading to an acute relapse in + the matter of homesickness. The rose-garden at home had been one of Mike's + favourite haunts on a summer afternoon. The contrast between it and the + basement of the new Asiatic Bank, the atmosphere of which was far from + being roselike, was too much for his feelings. He emerged from the depths, + with his punched stamps, filled with bitterness against Fate. + </p> + <p> + He found Psmith still baffled. + </p> + <p> + 'Hall Caine,' said Psmith regretfully, 'has also proved a frost. I + wandered round to Comrade Rossiter's desk just now with a rather brainy + excursus on "The Eternal City", and was received with the Impatient Frown + rather than the Glad Eye. He was in the middle of adding up a rather + tricky column of figures, and my remarks caused him to drop a stitch. So + far from winning the man over, I have gone back. There now exists between + Comrade Rossiter and myself a certain coldness. Further investigations + will be postponed till after lunch.' + </p> + <p> + The postage department received visitors during the morning. Members of + other departments came with letters, among them Bannister. Mr Rossiter was + away in the manager's room at the time. + </p> + <p> + 'How are you getting on?' said Bannister to Mike. + </p> + <p> + 'Oh, all right,' said Mike. + </p> + <p> + 'Had any trouble with Rossiter yet?' + </p> + <p> + 'No, not much.' + </p> + <p> + 'He hasn't run you in to Bickersdyke?' + </p> + <p> + 'No.' + </p> + <p> + 'Pardon my interrupting a conversation between old college chums,' said + Psmith courteously, 'but I happened to overhear, as I toiled at my desk, + the name of Comrade Rossiter.' + </p> + <p> + Bannister looked somewhat startled. Mike introduced them. + </p> + <p> + 'This is Smith,' he said. 'Chap I was at school with. This is Bannister, + Smith, who used to be on here till I came.' + </p> + <p> + 'In this department?' asked Psmith. + </p> + <p> + 'Yes.' + </p> + <p> + 'Then, Comrade Bannister, you are the very man I have been looking for. + Your knowledge will be invaluable to us. I have no doubt that, during your + stay in this excellently managed department, you had many opportunities of + observing Comrade Rossiter?' + </p> + <p> + 'I should jolly well think I had,' said Bannister with a laugh. 'He saw to + that. He was always popping out and cursing me about something.' + </p> + <p> + 'Comrade Rossiter's manners are a little restive,' agreed Psmith. 'What + used you to talk to him about?' + </p> + <p> + 'What used I to talk to him about?' + </p> + <p> + 'Exactly. In those interviews to which you have alluded, how did you + amuse, entertain Comrade Rossiter?' + </p> + <p> + 'I didn't. He used to do all the talking there was.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith straightened his tie, and clicked his tongue, disappointed. + </p> + <p> + 'This is unfortunate,' he said, smoothing his hair. 'You see, Comrade + Bannister, it is this way. In the course of my professional duties, I find + myself continually coming into contact with Comrade Rossiter.' + </p> + <p> + 'I bet you do,' said Bannister. + </p> + <p> + 'On these occasions I am frequently at a loss for entertaining + conversation. He has no difficulty, as apparently happened in your case, + in keeping up his end of the dialogue. The subject of my shortcomings + provides him with ample material for speech. I, on the other hand, am + dumb. I have nothing to say.' + </p> + <p> + 'I should think that was a bit of a change for you, wasn't it?' + </p> + <p> + 'Perhaps, so,' said Psmith, 'perhaps so. On the other hand, however + restful it may be to myself, it does not enable me to secure Comrade + Rossiter's interest and win his esteem.' + </p> + <p> + 'What Smith wants to know,' said Mike, 'is whether Rossiter has any hobby + of any kind. He thinks, if he has, he might work it to keep in with him.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith, who had been listening with an air of pleased interest, much as a + father would listen to his child prattling for the benefit of a visitor, + confirmed this statement. + </p> + <p> + 'Comrade Jackson,' he said, 'has put the matter with his usual admirable + clearness. That is the thing in a nutshell. Has Comrade Rossiter any hobby + that you know of? Spillikins, brass-rubbing, the Near Eastern Question, or + anything like that? I have tried him with postage-stamps (which you'd + think, as head of a postage department, he ought to be interested in), and + dried seaweed, Hall Caine, but I have the honour to report total failure. + The man seems to have no pleasures. What does he do with himself when the + day's toil is ended? That giant brain must occupy itself somehow.' + </p> + <p> + 'I don't know,' said Bannister, 'unless it's football. I saw him once + watching Chelsea. I was rather surprised.' + </p> + <p> + 'Football,' said Psmith thoughtfully, 'football. By no means a scaly idea. + I rather fancy, Comrade Bannister, that you have whanged the nail on the + head. Is he strong on any particular team? I mean, have you ever heard + him, in the intervals of business worries, stamping on his desk and + yelling, "Buck up Cottagers!" or "Lay 'em out, Pensioners!" or anything + like that? One moment.' Psmith held up his hand. 'I will get my Sherlock + Holmes system to work. What was the other team in the modern gladiatorial + contest at which you saw Comrade Rossiter?' + </p> + <p> + 'Manchester United.' + </p> + <p> + 'And Comrade Rossiter, I should say, was a Manchester man.' + </p> + <p> + 'I believe he is.' + </p> + <p> + 'Then I am prepared to bet a small sum that he is nuts on Manchester + United. My dear Holmes, how—! Elementary, my dear fellow, quite + elementary. But here comes the lad in person.' + </p> + <p> + Mr Rossiter turned in from the central aisle through the counter-door, + and, observing the conversational group at the postage-desk, came bounding + up. Bannister moved off. + </p> + <p> + 'Really, Smith,' said Mr Rossiter, 'you always seem to be talking. I have + overlooked the matter once, as I did not wish to get you into trouble so + soon after joining; but, really, it cannot go on. I must take notice of + it.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith held up his hand. + </p> + <p> + 'The fault was mine,' he said, with manly frankness. 'Entirely mine. + Bannister came in a purely professional spirit to deposit a letter with + Comrade Jackson. I engaged him in conversation on the subject of the + Football League, and I was just trying to correct his view that Newcastle + United were the best team playing, when you arrived.' + </p> + <p> + 'It is perfectly absurd,' said Mr Rossiter, 'that you should waste the + bank's time in this way. The bank pays you to work, not to talk about + professional football.' + </p> + <p> + 'Just so, just so,' murmured Psmith. + </p> + <p> + 'There is too much talking in this department.' + </p> + <p> + 'I fear you are right.' + </p> + <p> + 'It is nonsense.' + </p> + <p> + 'My own view,' said Psmith, 'was that Manchester United were by far the + finest team before the public.' + </p> + <p> + 'Get on with your work, Smith.' + </p> + <p> + Mr Rossiter stumped off to his desk, where he sat as one in thought. + </p> + <p> + 'Smith,' he said at the end of five minutes. + </p> + <p> + Psmith slid from his stool, and made his way deferentially towards him. + </p> + <p> + 'Bannister's a fool,' snapped Mr Rossiter. + </p> + <p> + 'So I thought,' said Psmith. + </p> + <p> + 'A perfect fool. He always was.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith shook his head sorrowfully, as who should say, 'Exit Bannister.' + </p> + <p> + 'There is no team playing today to touch Manchester United.' + </p> + <p> + 'Precisely what I said to Comrade Bannister.' + </p> + <p> + 'Of course. You know something about it.' + </p> + <p> + 'The study of League football,' said Psmith, 'has been my relaxation for + years.' + </p> + <p> + 'But we have no time to discuss it now.' + </p> + <p> + 'Assuredly not, sir. Work before everything.' + </p> + <p> + 'Some other time, when—' + </p> + <p> + '—We are less busy. Precisely.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith moved back to his seat. + </p> + <p> + 'I fear,' he said to Mike, as he resumed work, 'that as far as Comrade + Rossiter's friendship and esteem are concerned, I have to a certain extent + landed Comrade Bannister in the bouillon; but it was in a good cause. I + fancy we have won through. Half an hour's thoughtful perusal of the + "Footballers' Who's Who", just to find out some elementary facts about + Manchester United, and I rather think the friendly Native is corralled. + And now once more to work. Work, the hobby of the hustler and the + deadbeat's dread.' + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + 9. The Haunting of Mr Bickersdyke + </h2> + <p> + Anything in the nature of a rash and hasty move was wholly foreign to + Psmith's tactics. He had the patience which is the chief quality of the + successful general. He was content to secure his base before making any + offensive movement. It was a fortnight before he turned his attention to + the education of Mr Bickersdyke. During that fortnight he conversed + attractively, in the intervals of work, on the subject of League football + in general and Manchester United in particular. The subject is not hard to + master if one sets oneself earnestly to it; and Psmith spared no pains. + The football editions of the evening papers are not reticent about those + who play the game: and Psmith drank in every detail with the thoroughness + of the conscientious student. By the end of the fortnight he knew what was + the favourite breakfast-food of J. Turnbull; what Sandy Turnbull wore next + his skin; and who, in the opinion of Meredith, was England's leading + politician. These facts, imparted to and discussed with Mr Rossiter, made + the progress of the <i>entente cordiale</i> rapid. It was on the eighth + day that Mr Rossiter consented to lunch with the Old Etonian. On the tenth + he played the host. By the end of the fortnight the flapping of the white + wings of Peace over the Postage Department was setting up a positive + draught. Mike, who had been introduced by Psmith as a distant relative of + Moger, the goalkeeper, was included in the great peace. + </p> + <p> + 'So that now,' said Psmith, reflectively polishing his eye-glass, 'I think + that we may consider ourselves free to attend to Comrade Bickersdyke. Our + bright little Mancunian friend would no more run us in now than if we were + the brothers Turnbull. We are as inside forwards to him.' + </p> + <p> + The club to which Psmith and Mr Bickersdyke belonged was celebrated for + the steadfastness of its political views, the excellence of its cuisine, + and the curiously Gorgonzolaesque marble of its main staircase. It takes + all sorts to make a world. It took about four thousand of all sorts to + make the Senior Conservative Club. To be absolutely accurate, there were + three thousand seven hundred and eighteen members. + </p> + <p> + To Mr Bickersdyke for the next week it seemed as if there was only one. + </p> + <p> + There was nothing crude or overdone about Psmith's methods. The ordinary + man, having conceived the idea of haunting a fellow clubman, might have + seized the first opportunity of engaging him in conversation. Not so + Psmith. The first time he met Mr Bickersdyke in the club was on the stairs + after dinner one night. The great man, having received practical proof of + the excellence of cuisine referred to above, was coming down the main + staircase at peace with all men, when he was aware of a tall young man in + the 'faultless evening dress' of which the female novelist is so fond, who + was regarding him with a fixed stare through an eye-glass. The tall young + man, having caught his eye, smiled faintly, nodded in a friendly but + patronizing manner, and passed on up the staircase to the library. Mr + Bickersdyke sped on in search of a waiter. + </p> + <p> + As Psmith sat in the library with a novel, the waiter entered, and + approached him. + </p> + <p> + 'Beg pardon, sir,' he said. 'Are you a member of this club?' + </p> + <p> + Psmith fumbled in his pocket and produced his eye-glass, through which he + examined the waiter, button by button. + </p> + <p> + 'I am Psmith,' he said simply. + </p> + <p> + 'A member, sir?' + </p> + <p> + '<i>The</i> member,' said Psmith. 'Surely you participated in the general + rejoicings which ensued when it was announced that I had been elected? But + perhaps you were too busy working to pay any attention. If so, I respect + you. I also am a worker. A toiler, not a flatfish. A sizzler, not a squab. + Yes, I am a member. Will you tell Mr Bickersdyke that I am sorry, but I + have been elected, and have paid my entrance fee and subscription.' + </p> + <p> + 'Thank you, sir.' + </p> + <p> + The waiter went downstairs and found Mr Bickersdyke in the lower + smoking-room. + </p> + <p> + 'The gentleman says he is, sir.' + </p> + <p> + 'H'm,' said the bank-manager. 'Coffee and Benedictine, and a cigar.' + </p> + <p> + 'Yes, sir.' + </p> + <p> + On the following day Mr Bickersdyke met Psmith in the club three times, + and on the day after that seven. Each time the latter's smile was + friendly, but patronizing. Mr Bickersdyke began to grow restless. + </p> + <p> + On the fourth day Psmith made his first remark. The manager was reading + the evening paper in a corner, when Psmith sinking gracefully into a chair + beside him, caused him to look up. + </p> + <p> + 'The rain keeps off,' said Psmith. + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke looked as if he wished his employee would imitate the rain, + but he made no reply. + </p> + <p> + Psmith called a waiter. + </p> + <p> + 'Would you mind bringing me a small cup of coffee?' he said. 'And for + you,' he added to Mr Bickersdyke. + </p> + <p> + 'Nothing,' growled the manager. + </p> + <p> + 'And nothing for Mr Bickersdyke.' + </p> + <p> + The waiter retired. Mr Bickersdyke became absorbed in his paper. + </p> + <p> + 'I see from my morning paper,' said Psmith, affably, 'that you are to + address a meeting at the Kenningford Town Hall next week. I shall come and + hear you. Our politics differ in some respects, I fear—I incline to + the Socialist view—but nevertheless I shall listen to your remarks + with great interest, great interest.' + </p> + <p> + The paper rustled, but no reply came from behind it. + </p> + <p> + 'I heard from father this morning,' resumed Psmith. + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke lowered his paper and glared at him. + </p> + <p> + 'I don't wish to hear about your father,' he snapped. + </p> + <p> + An expression of surprise and pain came over Psmith's face. + </p> + <p> + 'What!' he cried. 'You don't mean to say that there is any coolness + between my father and you? I am more grieved than I can say. Knowing, as I + do, what a genuine respect my father has for your great talents, I can + only think that there must have been some misunderstanding. Perhaps if you + would allow me to act as a mediator—' + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke put down his paper and walked out of the room. + </p> + <p> + Psmith found him a quarter of an hour later in the card-room. He sat down + beside his table, and began to observe the play with silent interest. Mr + Bickersdyke, never a great performer at the best of times, was so + unsettled by the scrutiny that in the deciding game of the rubber he + revoked, thereby presenting his opponents with the rubber by a very + handsome majority of points. Psmith clicked his tongue sympathetically. + </p> + <p> + Dignified reticence is not a leading characteristic of the bridge-player's + manner at the Senior Conservative Club on occasions like this. Mr + Bickersdyke's partner did not bear his calamity with manly resignation. He + gave tongue on the instant. 'What on earth's', and 'Why on earth's' flowed + from his mouth like molten lava. Mr Bickersdyke sat and fermented in + silence. Psmith clicked his tongue sympathetically throughout. + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke lost that control over himself which every member of a club + should possess. He turned on Psmith with a snort of frenzy. + </p> + <p> + 'How can I keep my attention fixed on the game when you sit staring at me + like a—like a—' + </p> + <p> + 'I am sorry,' said Psmith gravely, 'if my stare falls short in any way of + your ideal of what a stare should be; but I appeal to these gentlemen. + Could I have watched the game more quietly?' + </p> + <p> + 'Of course not,' said the bereaved partner warmly. 'Nobody could have any + earthly objection to your behaviour. It was absolute carelessness. I + should have thought that one might have expected one's partner at a club + like this to exercise elementary—' + </p> + <p> + But Mr Bickersdyke had gone. He had melted silently away like the driven + snow. + </p> + <p> + Psmith took his place at the table. + </p> + <p> + 'A somewhat nervous excitable man, Mr Bickersdyke, I should say,' he + observed. + </p> + <p> + 'A somewhat dashed, blanked idiot,' emended the bank-manager's late + partner. 'Thank goodness he lost as much as I did. That's some light + consolation.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith arrived at the flat to find Mike still out. Mike had repaired to + the Gaiety earlier in the evening to refresh his mind after the labours of + the day. When he returned, Psmith was sitting in an armchair with his feet + on the mantelpiece, musing placidly on Life. + </p> + <p> + 'Well?' said Mike. + </p> + <p> + 'Well? And how was the Gaiety? Good show?' + </p> + <p> + 'Jolly good. What about Bickersdyke?' + </p> + <p> + Psmith looked sad. + </p> + <p> + 'I cannot make Comrade Bickersdyke out,' he said. 'You would think that a + man would be glad to see the son of a personal friend. On the contrary, I + may be wronging Comrade B., but I should almost be inclined to say that my + presence in the Senior Conservative Club tonight irritated him. There was + no <i>bonhomie</i> in his manner. He seemed to me to be giving a spirited + imitation of a man about to foam at the mouth. I did my best to entertain + him. I chatted. His only reply was to leave the room. I followed him to + the card-room, and watched his very remarkable and brainy tactics at + bridge, and he accused me of causing him to revoke. A very curious + personality, that of Comrade Bickersdyke. But let us dismiss him from our + minds. Rumours have reached me,' said Psmith, 'that a very decent little + supper may be obtained at a quaint, old-world eating-house called the + Savoy. Will you accompany me thither on a tissue-restoring expedition? It + would be rash not to probe these rumours to their foundation, and + ascertain their exact truth.' + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + 10. Mr Bickersdyke Addresses His Constituents + </h2> + <p> + It was noted by the observant at the bank next morning that Mr Bickersdyke + had something on his mind. William, the messenger, knew it, when he found + his respectful salute ignored. Little Briggs, the accountant, knew it when + his obsequious but cheerful 'Good morning' was acknowledged only by a + 'Morn'' which was almost an oath. Mr Bickersdyke passed up the aisle and + into his room like an east wind. He sat down at his table and pressed the + bell. Harold, William's brother and co-messenger, entered with the air of + one ready to duck if any missile should be thrown at him. The reports of + the manager's frame of mind had been circulated in the office, and Harold + felt somewhat apprehensive. It was on an occasion very similar to this + that George Barstead, formerly in the employ of the New Asiatic Bank in + the capacity of messenger, had been rash enough to laugh at what he had + taken for a joke of Mr Bickersdyke's, and had been instantly presented + with the sack for gross impertinence. + </p> + <p> + 'Ask Mr Smith—' began the manager. Then he paused. 'No, never mind,' + he added. + </p> + <p> + Harold remained in the doorway, puzzled. + </p> + <p> + 'Don't stand there gaping at me, man,' cried Mr Bickersdyke, 'Go away.' + </p> + <p> + Harold retired and informed his brother, William, that in his, Harold's, + opinion, Mr Bickersdyke was off his chump. + </p> + <p> + 'Off his onion,' said William, soaring a trifle higher in poetic imagery. + </p> + <p> + 'Barmy,' was the terse verdict of Samuel Jakes, the third messenger. + 'Always said so.' And with that the New Asiatic Bank staff of messengers + dismissed Mr Bickersdyke and proceeded to concentrate themselves on their + duties, which consisted principally of hanging about and discussing the + prophecies of that modern seer, Captain Coe. + </p> + <p> + What had made Mr Bickersdyke change his mind so abruptly was the sudden + realization of the fact that he had no case against Psmith. In his + capacity of manager of the bank he could not take official notice of + Psmith's behaviour outside office hours, especially as Psmith had done + nothing but stare at him. It would be impossible to make anybody + understand the true inwardness of Psmith's stare. Theoretically, Mr + Bickersdyke had the power to dismiss any subordinate of his whom he did + not consider satisfactory, but it was a power that had to be exercised + with discretion. The manager was accountable for his actions to the Board + of Directors. If he dismissed Psmith, Psmith would certainly bring an + action against the bank for wrongful dismissal, and on the evidence he + would infallibly win it. Mr Bickersdyke did not welcome the prospect of + having to explain to the Directors that he had let the shareholders of the + bank in for a fine of whatever a discriminating jury cared to decide upon, + simply because he had been stared at while playing bridge. His only hope + was to catch Psmith doing his work badly. + </p> + <p> + He touched the bell again, and sent for Mr Rossiter. + </p> + <p> + The messenger found the head of the Postage Department in conversation + with Psmith. Manchester United had been beaten by one goal to nil on the + previous afternoon, and Psmith was informing Mr Rossiter that the referee + was a robber, who had evidently been financially interested in the result + of the game. The way he himself looked at it, said Psmith, was that the + thing had been a moral victory for the United. Mr Rossiter said yes, he + thought so too. And it was at this moment that Mr Bickersdyke sent for him + to ask whether Psmith's work was satisfactory. + </p> + <p> + The head of the Postage Department gave his opinion without hesitation. + Psmith's work was about the hottest proposition he had ever struck. + Psmith's work—well, it stood alone. You couldn't compare it with + anything. There are no degrees in perfection. Psmith's work was perfect, + and there was an end to it. + </p> + <p> + He put it differently, but that was the gist of what he said. + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke observed he was glad to hear it, and smashed a nib by + stabbing the desk with it. + </p> + <p> + It was on the evening following this that the bank-manager was due to + address a meeting at the Kenningford Town Hall. + </p> + <p> + He was looking forward to the event with mixed feelings. He had stood for + Parliament once before, several years back, in the North. He had been + defeated by a couple of thousand votes, and he hoped that the episode had + been forgotten. Not merely because his defeat had been heavy. There was + another reason. On that occasion he had stood as a Liberal. He was + standing for Kenningford as a Unionist. Of course, a man is at perfect + liberty to change his views, if he wishes to do so, but the process is apt + to give his opponents a chance of catching him (to use the inspired + language of the music-halls) on the bend. Mr Bickersdyke was rather afraid + that the light-hearted electors of Kenningford might avail themselves of + this chance. + </p> + <p> + Kenningford, S.E., is undoubtedly by way of being a tough sort of place. + Its inhabitants incline to a robust type of humour, which finds a verbal + vent in catch phrases and expends itself physically in smashing + shop-windows and kicking policemen. He feared that the meeting at the Town + Hall might possibly be a trifle rowdy. + </p> + <p> + All political meetings are very much alike. Somebody gets up and + introduces the speaker of the evening, and then the speaker of the evening + says at great length what he thinks of the scandalous manner in which the + Government is behaving or the iniquitous goings-on of the Opposition. From + time to time confederates in the audience rise and ask carefully rehearsed + questions, and are answered fully and satisfactorily by the orator. When a + genuine heckler interrupts, the orator either ignores him, or says + haughtily that he can find him arguments but cannot find him brains. Or, + occasionally, when the question is an easy one, he answers it. A quietly + conducted political meeting is one of England's most delightful indoor + games. When the meeting is rowdy, the audience has more fun, but the + speaker a good deal less. + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke's introducer was an elderly Scotch peer, an excellent man + for the purpose in every respect, except that he possessed a very strong + accent. + </p> + <p> + The audience welcomed that accent uproariously. The electors of + Kenningford who really had any definite opinions on politics were fairly + equally divided. There were about as many earnest Liberals as there were + earnest Unionists. But besides these there was a strong contingent who did + not care which side won. These looked on elections as Heaven-sent + opportunities for making a great deal of noise. They attended meetings in + order to extract amusement from them; and they voted, if they voted at + all, quite irresponsibly. A funny story at the expense of one candidate + told on the morning of the polling, was quite likely to send these brave + fellows off in dozens filling in their papers for the victim's opponent. + </p> + <p> + There was a solid block of these gay spirits at the back of the hall. They + received the Scotch peer with huge delight. He reminded them of Harry + Lauder and they said so. They addressed him affectionately as 'Arry', + throughout his speech, which was rather long. They implored him to be a + pal and sing 'The Saftest of the Family'. Or, failing that, 'I love a + lassie'. Finding they could not induce him to do this, they did it + themselves. They sang it several times. When the peer, having finished his + remarks on the subject of Mr Bickersdyke, at length sat down, they cheered + for seven minutes, and demanded an encore. + </p> + <p> + The meeting was in excellent spirits when Mr Bickersdyke rose to address + it. + </p> + <p> + The effort of doing justice to the last speaker had left the free and + independent electors at the back of the hall slightly limp. The + bank-manager's opening remarks were received without any demonstration. + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke spoke well. He had a penetrating, if harsh, voice, and he + said what he had to say forcibly. Little by little the audience came under + his spell. When, at the end of a well-turned sentence, he paused and took + a sip of water, there was a round of applause, in which many of the + admirers of Mr Harry Lauder joined. + </p> + <p> + He resumed his speech. The audience listened intently. Mr Bickersdyke, + having said some nasty things about Free Trade and the Alien Immigrant, + turned to the Needs of the Navy and the necessity of increasing the fleet + at all costs. + </p> + <p> + 'This is no time for half-measures,' he said. 'We must do our utmost. We + must burn our boats—' + </p> + <p> + 'Excuse me,' said a gentle voice. + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke broke off. In the centre of the hall a tall figure had + risen. Mr Bickersdyke found himself looking at a gleaming eye-glass which + the speaker had just polished and inserted in his eye. + </p> + <p> + The ordinary heckler Mr Bickersdyke would have taken in his stride. He had + got his audience, and simply by continuing and ignoring the interruption, + he could have won through in safety. But the sudden appearance of Psmith + unnerved him. He remained silent. + </p> + <p> + 'How,' asked Psmith, 'do you propose to strengthen the Navy by burning + boats?' + </p> + <p> + The inanity of the question enraged even the pleasure-seekers at the back. + </p> + <p> + 'Order! Order!' cried the earnest contingent. + </p> + <p> + 'Sit down, fice!' roared the pleasure-seekers. + </p> + <p> + Psmith sat down with a patient smile. + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke resumed his speech. But the fire had gone out of it. He had + lost his audience. A moment before, he had grasped them and played on + their minds (or what passed for minds down Kenningford way) as on a + stringed instrument. Now he had lost his hold. + </p> + <p> + He spoke on rapidly, but he could not get into his stride. The trivial + interruption had broken the spell. His words lacked grip. The dead silence + in which the first part of his speech had been received, that silence + which is a greater tribute to the speaker than any applause, had given + place to a restless medley of little noises; here a cough; there a + scraping of a boot along the floor, as its wearer moved uneasily in his + seat; in another place a whispered conversation. The audience was bored. + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke left the Navy, and went on to more general topics. But he + was not interesting. He quoted figures, saw a moment later that he had not + quoted them accurately, and instead of carrying on boldly, went back and + corrected himself. + </p> + <p> + 'Gow up top!' said a voice at the back of the hall, and there was a + general laugh. + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke galloped unsteadily on. He condemned the Government. He + said they had betrayed their trust. + </p> + <p> + And then he told an anecdote. + </p> + <p> + 'The Government, gentlemen,' he said, 'achieves nothing worth achieving, + and every individual member of the Government takes all the credit for + what is done to himself. Their methods remind me, gentlemen, of an amusing + experience I had while fishing one summer in the Lake District.' + </p> + <p> + In a volume entitled 'Three Men in a Boat' there is a story of how the + author and a friend go into a riverside inn and see a very large trout in + a glass case. They make inquiries about it, have men assure them, one by + one, that the trout was caught by themselves. In the end the trout turns + out to be made of plaster of Paris. + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke told that story as an experience of his own while fishing + one summer in the Lake District. + </p> + <p> + It went well. The meeting was amused. Mr Bickersdyke went on to draw a + trenchant comparison between the lack of genuine merit in the trout and + the lack of genuine merit in the achievements of His Majesty's Government. + </p> + <p> + There was applause. + </p> + <p> + When it had ceased, Psmith rose to his feet again. + </p> + <p> + 'Excuse me,' he said. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + 11. Misunderstood + </h2> + <p> + Mike had refused to accompany Psmith to the meeting that evening, saying + that he got too many chances in the ordinary way of business of hearing Mr + Bickersdyke speak, without going out of his way to make more. So Psmith + had gone off to Kenningford alone, and Mike, feeling too lazy to sally out + to any place of entertainment, had remained at the flat with a novel. + </p> + <p> + He was deep in this, when there was the sound of a key in the latch, and + shortly afterwards Psmith entered the room. On Psmith's brow there was a + look of pensive care, and also a slight discoloration. When he removed his + overcoat, Mike saw that his collar was burst and hanging loose and that he + had no tie. On his erstwhile speckless and gleaming shirt front were + number of finger-impressions, of a boldness and clearness of outline which + would have made a Bertillon expert leap with joy. + </p> + <p> + 'Hullo!' said Mike dropping his book. + </p> + <p> + Psmith nodded in silence, went to his bedroom, and returned with a + looking-glass. Propping this up on a table, he proceeded to examine + himself with the utmost care. He shuddered slightly as his eye fell on the + finger-marks; and without a word he went into his bathroom again. He + emerged after an interval of ten minutes in sky-blue pyjamas, slippers, + and an Old Etonian blazer. He lit a cigarette; and, sitting down, stared + pensively into the fire. + </p> + <p> + 'What the dickens have you been playing at?' demanded Mike. + </p> + <p> + Psmith heaved a sigh. + </p> + <p> + 'That,' he replied, 'I could not say precisely. At one moment it seemed to + be Rugby football, at another a jiu-jitsu <i>seance</i>. Later, it bore a + resemblance to a pantomime rally. However, whatever it was, it was all + very bright and interesting. A distinct experience.' + </p> + <p> + 'Have you been scrapping?' asked Mike. 'What happened? Was there a row?' + </p> + <p> + 'There was,' said Psmith, 'in a measure what might be described as a row. + At least, when you find a perfect stranger attaching himself to your + collar and pulling, you begin to suspect that something of that kind is on + the bill.' + </p> + <p> + 'Did they do that?' + </p> + <p> + Psmith nodded. + </p> + <p> + 'A merchant in a moth-eaten bowler started warbling to a certain extent + with me. It was all very trying for a man of culture. He was a man who + had, I should say, discovered that alcohol was a food long before the + doctors found it out. A good chap, possibly, but a little boisterous in + his manner. Well, well.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith shook his head sadly. + </p> + <p> + 'He got you one on the forehead,' said Mike, 'or somebody did. Tell us + what happened. I wish the dickens I'd come with you. I'd no notion there + would be a rag of any sort. What did happen?' + </p> + <p> + 'Comrade Jackson,' said Psmith sorrowfully, 'how sad it is in this life of + ours to be consistently misunderstood. You know, of course, how wrapped up + I am in Comrade Bickersdyke's welfare. You know that all my efforts are + directed towards making a decent man of him; that, in short, I am his + truest friend. Does he show by so much as a word that he appreciates my + labours? Not he. I believe that man is beginning to dislike me, Comrade + Jackson.' + </p> + <p> + 'What happened, anyhow? Never mind about Bickersdyke.' + </p> + <p> + 'Perhaps it was mistaken zeal on my part.... Well, I will tell you all. + Make a long arm for the shovel, Comrade Jackson, and pile on a few more + coals. I thank you. Well, all went quite smoothly for a while. Comrade B. + in quite good form. Got his second wind, and was going strong for the + tape, when a regrettable incident occurred. He informed the meeting, that + while up in the Lake country, fishing, he went to an inn and saw a + remarkably large stuffed trout in a glass case. He made inquiries, and + found that five separate and distinct people had caught—' + </p> + <p> + 'Why, dash it all,' said Mike, 'that's a frightful chestnut.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith nodded. + </p> + <p> + 'It certainly has appeared in print,' he said. 'In fact I should have said + it was rather a well-known story. I was so interested in Comrade + Bickersdyke's statement that the thing had happened to himself that, + purely out of good-will towards him, I got up and told him that I thought + it was my duty, as a friend, to let him know that a man named Jerome had + pinched his story, put it in a book, and got money by it. Money, mark you, + that should by rights have been Comrade Bickersdyke's. He didn't appear to + care much about sifting the matter thoroughly. In fact, he seemed anxious + to get on with his speech, and slur the matter over. But, tactlessly + perhaps, I continued rather to harp on the thing. I said that the book in + which the story had appeared was published in 1889. I asked him how long + ago it was that he had been on his fishing tour, because it was important + to know in order to bring the charge home against Jerome. Well, after a + bit, I was amazed, and pained, too, to hear Comrade Bickersdyke urging + certain bravoes in the audience to turn me out. If ever there was a case + of biting the hand that fed him.... Well, well.... By this time the + meeting had begun to take sides to some extent. What I might call my + party, the Earnest Investigators, were whistling between their fingers, + stamping on the floor, and shouting, "Chestnuts!" while the opposing + party, the bravoes, seemed to be trying, as I say, to do jiu-jitsu tricks + with me. It was a painful situation. I know the cultivated man of affairs + should have passed the thing off with a short, careless laugh; but, owing + to the above-mentioned alcohol-expert having got both hands under my + collar, short, careless laughs were off. I was compelled, very + reluctantly, to conclude the interview by tapping the bright boy on the + jaw. He took the hint, and sat down on the floor. I thought no more of the + matter, and was making my way thoughtfully to the exit, when a second man + of wrath put the above on my forehead. You can't ignore a thing like that. + I collected some of his waistcoat and one of his legs, and hove him with + some vim into the middle distance. By this time a good many of the Earnest + Investigators were beginning to join in; and it was just there that the + affair began to have certain points of resemblance to a pantomime rally. + Everybody seemed to be shouting a good deal and hitting everybody else. It + was no place for a man of delicate culture, so I edged towards the door, + and drifted out. There was a cab in the offing. I boarded it. And, having + kicked a vigorous politician in the stomach, as he was endeavouring to + climb in too, I drove off home.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith got up, looked at his forehead once more in the glass, sighed, and + sat down again. + </p> + <p> + 'All very disturbing,' he said. + </p> + <p> + 'Great Scott,' said Mike, 'I wish I'd come. Why on earth didn't you tell + me you were going to rag? I think you might as well have done. I wouldn't + have missed it for worlds.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith regarded him with raised eyebrows. + </p> + <p> + 'Rag!' he said. 'Comrade Jackson, I do not understand you. You surely do + not think that I had any other object in doing what I did than to serve + Comrade Bickersdyke? It's terrible how one's motives get distorted in this + world of ours.' + </p> + <p> + 'Well,' said Mike, with a grin, 'I know one person who'll jolly well + distort your motives, as you call it, and that's Bickersdyke.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith looked thoughtful. + </p> + <p> + 'True,' he said, 'true. There is that possibility. I tell you, Comrade + Jackson, once more that my bright young life is being slowly blighted by + the frightful way in which that man misunderstands me. It seems almost + impossible to try to do him a good turn without having the action + misconstrued.' + </p> + <p> + 'What'll you say to him tomorrow?' + </p> + <p> + 'I shall make no allusion to the painful affair. If I happen to meet him + in the ordinary course of business routine, I shall pass some light, + pleasant remark—on the weather, let us say, or the Bank rate—and + continue my duties.' + </p> + <p> + 'How about if he sends for you, and wants to do the light, pleasant remark + business on his own?' + </p> + <p> + 'In that case I shall not thwart him. If he invites me into his private + room, I shall be his guest, and shall discuss, to the best of my ability, + any topic which he may care to introduce. There shall be no constraint + between Comrade Bickersdyke and myself.' + </p> + <p> + 'No, I shouldn't think there would be. I wish I could come and hear you.' + </p> + <p> + 'I wish you could,' said Psmith courteously. + </p> + <p> + 'Still, it doesn't matter much to you. You don't care if you do get + sacked.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith rose. + </p> + <p> + 'In that way possibly, as you say, I am agreeably situated. If the New + Asiatic Bank does not require Psmith's services, there are other spheres + where a young man of spirit may carve a place for himself. No, what is + worrying me, Comrade Jackson, is not the thought of the push. It is the + growing fear that Comrade Bickersdyke and I will never thoroughly + understand and appreciate one another. A deep gulf lies between us. I do + what I can do to bridge it over, but he makes no response. On his side of + the gulf building operations appear to be at an entire standstill. That is + what is carving these lines of care on my forehead, Comrade Jackson. That + is what is painting these purple circles beneath my eyes. Quite + inadvertently to be disturbing Comrade Bickersdyke, annoying him, + preventing him from enjoying life. How sad this is. Life bulges with these + tragedies.' + </p> + <p> + Mike picked up the evening paper. + </p> + <p> + 'Don't let it keep you awake at night,' he said. 'By the way, did you see + that Manchester United were playing this afternoon? They won. You'd better + sit down and sweat up some of the details. You'll want them tomorrow.' + </p> + <p> + 'You are very right, Comrade Jackson,' said Psmith, reseating himself. 'So + the Mancunians pushed the bulb into the meshes beyond the uprights no + fewer than four times, did they? Bless the dear boys, what spirits they do + enjoy, to be sure. Comrade Jackson, do not disturb me. I must concentrate + myself. These are deep waters.' + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + 12. In a Nutshell + </h2> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke sat in his private room at the New Asiatic Bank with a pile + of newspapers before him. At least, the casual observer would have said + that it was Mr Bickersdyke. In reality, however, it was an active volcano + in the shape and clothes of the bank-manager. It was freely admitted in + the office that morning that the manager had lowered all records with + ease. The staff had known him to be in a bad temper before—frequently; + but his frame of mind on all previous occasions had been, compared with + his present frame of mind, that of a rather exceptionally good-natured + lamb. Within ten minutes of his arrival the entire office was on the jump. + The messengers were collected in a pallid group in the basement, + discussing the affair in whispers and endeavouring to restore their nerve + with about sixpenn'orth of the beverage known as 'unsweetened'. The heads + of departments, to a man, had bowed before the storm. Within the space of + seven minutes and a quarter Mr Bickersdyke had contrived to find some + fault with each of them. Inward Bills was out at an A.B.C. shop snatching + a hasty cup of coffee, to pull him together again. Outward Bills was + sitting at his desk with the glazed stare of one who has been struck in + the thorax by a thunderbolt. Mr Rossiter had been torn from Psmith in the + middle of a highly technical discussion of the Manchester United match, + just as he was showing—with the aid of a ball of paper—how he + had once seen Meredith centre to Sandy Turnbull in a Cup match, and was + now leaping about like a distracted grasshopper. Mr Waller, head of the + Cash Department, had been summoned to the Presence, and after listening + meekly to a rush of criticism, had retired to his desk with the air of a + beaten spaniel. + </p> + <p> + Only one man of the many in the building seemed calm and happy—Psmith. + </p> + <p> + Psmith had resumed the chat about Manchester United, on Mr Rossiter's + return from the lion's den, at the spot where it had been broken off; but, + finding that the head of the Postage Department was in no mood for + discussing football (or any thing else), he had postponed his remarks and + placidly resumed his work. + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke picked up a paper, opened it, and began searching the + columns. He had not far to look. It was a slack season for the newspapers, + and his little trouble, which might have received a paragraph in a busy + week, was set forth fully in three-quarters of a column. + </p> + <p> + The column was headed, 'Amusing Heckling'. + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke read a few lines, and crumpled the paper up with a snort. + </p> + <p> + The next he examined was an organ of his own shade of political opinion. + It too, gave him nearly a column, headed 'Disgraceful Scene at + Kenningford'. There was also a leaderette on the subject. + </p> + <p> + The leaderette said so exactly what Mr Bickersdyke thought himself that + for a moment he was soothed. Then the thought of his grievance returned, + and he pressed the bell. + </p> + <p> + 'Send Mr Smith to me,' he said. + </p> + <p> + William, the messenger, proceeded to inform Psmith of the summons. + </p> + <p> + Psmith's face lit up. + </p> + <p> + 'I am always glad to sweeten the monotony of toil with a chat with Little + Clarence,' he said. 'I shall be with him in a moment.' + </p> + <p> + He cleaned his pen very carefully, placed it beside his ledger, flicked a + little dust off his coatsleeve, and made his way to the manager's room. + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke received him with the ominous restraint of a tiger + crouching for its spring. Psmith stood beside the table with languid + grace, suggestive of some favoured confidential secretary waiting for + instructions. + </p> + <p> + A ponderous silence brooded over the room for some moments. Psmith broke + it by remarking that the Bank Rate was unchanged. He mentioned this fact + as if it afforded him a personal gratification. + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke spoke. + </p> + <p> + 'Well, Mr Smith?' he said. + </p> + <p> + 'You wished to see me about something, sir?' inquired Psmith, + ingratiatingly. + </p> + <p> + 'You know perfectly well what I wished to see you about. I want to hear + your explanation of what occurred last night.' + </p> + <p> + 'May I sit, sir?' + </p> + <p> + He dropped gracefully into a chair, without waiting for permission, and, + having hitched up the knees of his trousers, beamed winningly at the + manager. + </p> + <p> + 'A deplorable affair,' he said, with a shake of his head. 'Extremely + deplorable. We must not judge these rough, uneducated men too harshly, + however. In a time of excitement the emotions of the lower classes are + easily stirred. Where you or I would—' + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke interrupted. + </p> + <p> + 'I do not wish for any more buffoonery, Mr Smith—' + </p> + <p> + Psmith raised a pained pair of eyebrows. + </p> + <p> + 'Buffoonery, sir!' + </p> + <p> + 'I cannot understand what made you act as you did last night, unless you + are perfectly mad, as I am beginning to think.' + </p> + <p> + 'But, surely, sir, there was nothing remarkable in my behaviour? When a + merchant has attached himself to your collar, can you do less than smite + him on the other cheek? I merely acted in self-defence. You saw for + yourself—' + </p> + <p> + 'You know what I am alluding to. Your behaviour during my speech.' + </p> + <p> + 'An excellent speech,' murmured Psmith courteously. + </p> + <p> + 'Well?' said Mr Bickersdyke. + </p> + <p> + 'It was, perhaps, mistaken zeal on my part, sir, but you must remember + that I acted purely from the best motives. It seemed to me—' + </p> + <p> + 'That is enough, Mr Smith. I confess that I am absolutely at a loss to + understand you—' + </p> + <p> + 'It is too true, sir,' sighed Psmith. + </p> + <p> + 'You seem,' continued Mr Bickersdyke, warming to his subject, and turning + gradually a richer shade of purple, 'you seem to be determined to + endeavour to annoy me.' ('No no,' from Psmith.) 'I can only assume that + you are not in your right senses. You follow me about in my club—' + </p> + <p> + 'Our club, sir,' murmured Psmith. + </p> + <p> + 'Be good enough not to interrupt me, Mr Smith. You dog my footsteps in my + club—' + </p> + <p> + 'Purely accidental, sir. We happen to meet—that is all.' + </p> + <p> + 'You attend meetings at which I am speaking, and behave in a perfectly + imbecile manner.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith moaned slightly. + </p> + <p> + 'It may seem humorous to you, but I can assure you it is extremely bad + policy on your part. The New Asiatic Bank is no place for humour, and I + think—' + </p> + <p> + 'Excuse me, sir,' said Psmith. + </p> + <p> + The manager started at the familiar phrase. The plum-colour of his + complexion deepened. + </p> + <p> + 'I entirely agree with you, sir,' said Psmith, 'that this bank is no place + for humour.' + </p> + <p> + 'Very well, then. You—' + </p> + <p> + 'And I am never humorous in it. I arrive punctually in the morning, and I + work steadily and earnestly till my labours are completed. I think you + will find, on inquiry, that Mr Rossiter is satisfied with my work.' + </p> + <p> + 'That is neither here nor—' + </p> + <p> + 'Surely, sir,' said Psmith, 'you are wrong? Surely your jurisdiction + ceases after office hours? Any little misunderstanding we may have at the + close of the day's work cannot affect you officially. You could not, for + instance, dismiss me from the service of the bank if we were partners at + bridge at the club and I happened to revoke.' + </p> + <p> + 'I can dismiss you, let me tell you, Mr Smith, for studied insolence, + whether in the office or not.' + </p> + <p> + 'I bow to superior knowledge,' said Psmith politely, 'but I confess I + doubt it. And,' he added, 'there is another point. May I continue to some + extent?' + </p> + <p> + 'If you have anything to say, say it.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith flung one leg over the other, and settled his collar. + </p> + <p> + 'It is perhaps a delicate matter,' he said, 'but it is best to be frank. + We should have no secrets. To put my point quite clearly, I must go back a + little, to the time when you paid us that very welcome week-end visit at + our house in August.' + </p> + <p> + 'If you hope to make capital out of the fact that I have been a guest of + your father—' + </p> + <p> + 'Not at all,' said Psmith deprecatingly. 'Not at all. You do not take me. + My point is this. I do not wish to revive painful memories, but it cannot + be denied that there was, here and there, some slight bickering between us + on that occasion. The fault,' said Psmith magnanimously, 'was possibly + mine. I may have been too exacting, too capricious. Perhaps so. However, + the fact remains that you conceived the happy notion of getting me into + this bank, under the impression that, once I was in, you would be able to—if + I may use the expression—give me beans. You said as much to me, if I + remember. I hate to say it, but don't you think that if you give me the + sack, although my work is satisfactory to the head of my department, you + will be by way of admitting that you bit off rather more than you could + chew? I merely make the suggestion.' + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke half rose from his chair. + </p> + <p> + 'You—' + </p> + <p> + 'Just so, just so, but—to return to the main point—don't you? + The whole painful affair reminds me of the story of Agesilaus and the + Petulant Pterodactyl, which as you have never heard, I will now proceed to + relate. Agesilaus—' + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke made a curious clucking noise in his throat. + </p> + <p> + 'I am boring you,' said Psmith, with ready tact. 'Suffice it to say that + Comrade Agesilaus interfered with the pterodactyl, which was doing him no + harm; and the intelligent creature, whose motto was "Nemo me impune + lacessit", turned and bit him. Bit him good and hard, so that Agesilaus + ever afterwards had a distaste for pterodactyls. His reluctance to disturb + them became quite a byword. The Society papers of the period frequently + commented upon it. Let us draw the parallel.' + </p> + <p> + Here Mr Bickersdyke, who had been clucking throughout this speech, essayed + to speak; but Psmith hurried on. + </p> + <p> + 'You are Agesilaus,' he said. 'I am the Petulant Pterodactyl. You, if I + may say so, butted in of your own free will, and took me from a happy + home, simply in order that you might get me into this place under you, and + give me beans. But, curiously enough, the major portion of that vegetable + seems to be coming to you. Of course, you can administer the push if you + like; but, as I say, it will be by way of a confession that your scheme + has sprung a leak. Personally,' said Psmith, as one friend to another, 'I + should advise you to stick it out. You never know what may happen. At any + moment I may fall from my present high standard of industry and + excellence; and then you have me, so to speak, where the hair is crisp.' + </p> + <p> + He paused. Mr Bickersdyke's eyes, which even in their normal state + protruded slightly, now looked as if they might fall out at any moment. + His face had passed from the plum-coloured stage to something beyond. + Every now and then he made the clucking noise, but except for that he was + silent. Psmith, having waited for some time for something in the shape of + comment or criticism on his remarks, now rose. + </p> + <p> + 'It has been a great treat to me, this little chat,' he said affably, 'but + I fear that I must no longer allow purely social enjoyments to interfere + with my commercial pursuits. With your permission, I will rejoin my + department, where my absence is doubtless already causing comment and + possibly dismay. But we shall be meeting at the club shortly, I hope. + Good-bye, sir, good-bye.' + </p> + <p> + He left the room, and walked dreamily back to the Postage Department, + leaving the manager still staring glassily at nothing. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + 13. Mike is Moved On + </h2> + <p> + This episode may be said to have concluded the first act of the commercial + drama in which Mike and Psmith had been cast for leading parts. And, as + usually happens after the end of an act, there was a lull for a while + until things began to work up towards another climax. Mike, as day + succeeded day, began to grow accustomed to the life of the bank, and to + find that it had its pleasant side after all. Whenever a number of people + are working at the same thing, even though that thing is not perhaps what + they would have chosen as an object in life, if left to themselves, there + is bound to exist an atmosphere of good-fellowship; something akin to, + though a hundred times weaker than, the public school spirit. Such a + community lacks the main motive of the public school spirit, which is + pride in the school and its achievements. Nobody can be proud of the + achievements of a bank. When the business of arranging a new Japanese loan + was given to the New Asiatic Bank, its employees did not stand on stools, + and cheer. On the contrary, they thought of the extra work it would + involve; and they cursed a good deal, though there was no denying that it + was a big thing for the bank—not unlike winning the Ashburton would + be to a school. There is a cold impersonality about a bank. A school is a + living thing. + </p> + <p> + Setting aside this important difference, there was a good deal of the + public school about the New Asiatic Bank. The heads of departments were + not quite so autocratic as masters, and one was treated more on a grown-up + scale, as man to man; but, nevertheless, there remained a distinct flavour + of a school republic. Most of the men in the bank, with the exception of + certain hard-headed Scotch youths drafted in from other establishments in + the City, were old public school men. Mike found two Old Wrykinians in the + first week. Neither was well known to him. They had left in his second + year in the team. But it was pleasant to have them about, and to feel that + they had been educated at the right place. + </p> + <p> + As far as Mike's personal comfort went, the presence of these two + Wrykinians was very much for the good. Both of them knew all about his + cricket, and they spread the news. The New Asiatic Bank, like most London + banks, was keen on sport, and happened to possess a cricket team which + could make a good game with most of the second-rank clubs. The + disappearance to the East of two of the best bats of the previous season + caused Mike's advent to be hailed with a good deal of enthusiasm. Mike was + a county man. He had only played once for his county, it was true, but + that did not matter. He had passed the barrier which separates the + second-class bat from the first-class, and the bank welcomed him with awe. + County men did not come their way every day. + </p> + <p> + Mike did not like being in the bank, considered in the light of a career. + But he bore no grudge against the inmates of the bank, such as he had + borne against the inmates of Sedleigh. He had looked on the latter as + bound up with the school, and, consequently, enemies. His fellow workers + in the bank he regarded as companions in misfortune. They were all in the + same boat together. There were men from Tonbridge, Dulwich, Bedford, St + Paul's, and a dozen other schools. One or two of them he knew by repute + from the pages of Wisden. Bannister, his cheerful predecessor in the + Postage Department, was the Bannister, he recollected now, who had played + for Geddington against Wrykyn in his second year in the Wrykyn team. + Munroe, the big man in the Fixed Deposits, he remembered as leader of the + Ripton pack. Every day brought fresh discoveries of this sort, and each + made Mike more reconciled to his lot. They were a pleasant set of fellows + in the New Asiatic Bank, and but for the dreary outlook which the future + held—for Mike, unlike most of his follow workers, was not attracted + by the idea of a life in the East—he would have been very fairly + content. + </p> + <p> + The hostility of Mr Bickersdyke was a slight drawback. Psmith had + developed a habit of taking Mike with him to the club of an evening; and + this did not do anything towards wiping out of the manager's mind the + recollection of his former passage of arms with the Old Wrykinian. The + glass remaining Set Fair as far as Mr Rossiter's approval was concerned, + Mike was enabled to keep off the managerial carpet to a great extent; but + twice, when he posted letters without going through the preliminary + formality of stamping them, Mr Bickersdyke had opportunities of which he + availed himself. But for these incidents life was fairly enjoyable. Owing + to Psmith's benevolent efforts, the Postage Department became quite a + happy family, and ex-occupants of the postage desk, Bannister especially, + were amazed at the change that had come over Mr Rossiter. He no longer + darted from his lair like a pouncing panther. To report his subordinates + to the manager seemed now to be a lost art with him. The sight of Psmith + and Mr Rossiter proceeding high and disposedly to a mutual lunch became + quite common, and ceased to excite remark. + </p> + <p> + 'By kindness,' said Psmith to Mike, after one of these expeditions. 'By + tact and kindness. That is how it is done. I do not despair of training + Comrade Rossiter one of these days to jump through paper hoops.' + </p> + <p> + So that, altogether, Mike's life in the bank had become very fairly + pleasant. + </p> + <p> + Out of office-hours he enjoyed himself hugely. London was strange to him, + and with Psmith as a companion, he extracted a vast deal of entertainment + from it. Psmith was not unacquainted with the West End, and he proved an + excellent guide. At first Mike expostulated with unfailing regularity at + the other's habit of paying for everything, but Psmith waved aside all + objections with languid firmness. + </p> + <p> + 'I need you, Comrade Jackson,' he said, when Mike lodged a protest on + finding himself bound for the stalls for the second night in succession. + 'We must stick together. As my confidential secretary and adviser, your + place is by my side. Who knows but that between the acts tonight I may not + be seized with some luminous thought? Could I utter this to my next-door + neighbour or the programme-girl? Stand by me, Comrade Jackson, or we are + undone.' + </p> + <p> + So Mike stood by him. + </p> + <p> + By this time Mike had grown so used to his work that he could tell to + within five minutes when a rush would come; and he was able to spend a + good deal of his time reading a surreptitious novel behind a pile of + ledgers, or down in the tea-room. The New Asiatic Bank supplied tea to its + employees. In quality it was bad, and the bread-and-butter associated with + it was worse. But it had the merit of giving one an excuse for being away + from one's desk. There were large printed notices all over the tea-room, + which was in the basement, informing gentlemen that they were only allowed + ten minutes for tea, but one took just as long as one thought the head of + one's department would stand, from twenty-five minutes to an hour and a + quarter. + </p> + <p> + This state of things was too good to last. Towards the beginning of the + New Year a new man arrived, and Mike was moved on to another department. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0014" id="link2H_4_0014"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + 14. Mr Waller Appears in a New Light + </h2> + <p> + The department into which Mike was sent was the Cash, or, to be more + exact, that section of it which was known as Paying Cashier. The important + task of shooting doubloons across the counter did not belong to Mike + himself, but to Mr Waller. Mike's work was less ostentatious, and was + performed with pen, ink, and ledgers in the background. Occasionally, when + Mr Waller was out at lunch, Mike had to act as substitute for him, and + cash cheques; but Mr Waller always went out at a slack time, when few + customers came in, and Mike seldom had any very startling sum to hand + over. + </p> + <p> + He enjoyed being in the Cash Department. He liked Mr Waller. The work was + easy; and when he did happen to make mistakes, they were corrected + patiently by the grey-bearded one, and not used as levers for boosting him + into the presence of Mr Bickersdyke, as they might have been in some + departments. The cashier seemed to have taken a fancy to Mike; and Mike, + as was usually the way with him when people went out of their way to be + friendly, was at his best. Mike at his ease and unsuspicious of hostile + intentions was a different person from Mike with his prickles out. + </p> + <p> + Psmith, meanwhile, was not enjoying himself. It was an unheard-of thing, + he said, depriving a man of his confidential secretary without so much as + asking his leave. + </p> + <p> + 'It has caused me the greatest inconvenience,' he told Mike, drifting + round in a melancholy way to the Cash Department during a slack spell one + afternoon. 'I miss you at every turn. Your keen intelligence and ready + sympathy were invaluable to me. Now where am I? In the cart. I evolved a + slightly bright thought on life just now. There was nobody to tell it to + except the new man. I told it him, and the fool gaped. I tell you, Comrade + Jackson, I feel like some lion that has been robbed of its cub. I feel as + Marshall would feel if they took Snelgrove away from him, or as Peace + might if he awoke one morning to find Plenty gone. Comrade Rossiter does + his best. We still talk brokenly about Manchester United—they got + routed in the first round of the Cup yesterday and Comrade Rossiter is + wearing black—but it is not the same. I try work, but that is no + good either. From ledger to ledger they hurry me, to stifle my regret. And + when they win a smile from me, they think that I forget. But I don't. I am + a broken man. That new exhibit they've got in your place is about as near + to the Extreme Edge as anything I've ever seen. One of Nature's blighters. + Well, well, I must away. Comrade Rossiter awaits me.' + </p> + <p> + Mike's successor, a youth of the name of Bristow, was causing Psmith a + great deal of pensive melancholy. His worst defect—which he could + not help—was that he was not Mike. His others—which he could—were + numerous. His clothes were cut in a way that harrowed Psmith's sensitive + soul every time he looked at them. The fact that he wore detachable cuffs, + which he took off on beginning work and stacked in a glistening pile on + the desk in front of him, was no proof of innate viciousness of + disposition, but it prejudiced the Old Etonian against him. It was part of + Psmith's philosophy that a man who wore detachable cuffs had passed beyond + the limit of human toleration. In addition, Bristow wore a small black + moustache and a ring and that, as Psmith informed Mike, put the lid on it. + </p> + <p> + Mike would sometimes stroll round to the Postage Department to listen to + the conversations between the two. Bristow was always friendliness itself. + He habitually addressed Psmith as Smithy, a fact which entertained Mike + greatly but did not seem to amuse Psmith to any overwhelming extent. On + the other hand, when, as he generally did, he called Mike 'Mister + Cricketer', the humour of the thing appeared to elude Mike, though the + mode of address always drew from Psmith a pale, wan smile, as of a broken + heart made cheerful against its own inclination. + </p> + <p> + The net result of the coming of Bristow was that Psmith spent most of his + time, when not actually oppressed by a rush of work, in the precincts of + the Cash Department, talking to Mike and Mr Waller. The latter did not + seem to share the dislike common among the other heads of departments of + seeing his subordinates receiving visitors. Unless the work was really + heavy, in which case a mild remonstrance escaped him, he offered no + objection to Mike being at home to Psmith. It was this tolerance which + sometimes got him into trouble with Mr Bickersdyke. The manager did not + often perambulate the office, but he did occasionally, and the interview + which ensued upon his finding Hutchinson, the underling in the Cash + Department at that time, with his stool tilted comfortably against the + wall, reading the sporting news from a pink paper to a friend from the + Outward Bills Department who lay luxuriously on the floor beside him, did + not rank among Mr Waller's pleasantest memories. But Mr Waller was too + soft-hearted to interfere with his assistants unless it was absolutely + necessary. The truth of the matter was that the New Asiatic Bank was + over-staffed. There were too many men for the work. The London branch of + the bank was really only a nursery. New men were constantly wanted in the + Eastern branches, so they had to be put into the London branch to learn + the business, whether there was any work for them to do or not. + </p> + <p> + It was after one of these visits of Psmith's that Mr Waller displayed a + new and unsuspected side to his character. Psmith had come round in a + state of some depression to discuss Bristow, as usual. Bristow, it seemed, + had come to the bank that morning in a fancy waistcoat of so emphatic a + colour-scheme that Psmith stoutly refused to sit in the same department + with it. + </p> + <p> + 'What with Comrades Bristow and Bickersdyke combined,' said Psmith + plaintively, 'the work is becoming too hard for me. The whisper is + beginning to circulate, "Psmith's number is up—As a reformer he is + merely among those present. He is losing his dash." But what can I do? I + cannot keep an eye on both of them at the same time. The moment I + concentrate myself on Comrade Bickersdyke for a brief spell, and seem to + be doing him a bit of good, what happens? Why, Comrade Bristow sneaks off + and buys a sort of woollen sunset. I saw the thing unexpectedly. I tell + you I was shaken. It is the suddenness of that waistcoat which hits you. + It's discouraging, this sort of thing. I try always to think well of my + fellow man. As an energetic Socialist, I do my best to see the good that + is in him, but it's hard. Comrade Bristow's the most striking argument + against the equality of man I've ever come across.' + </p> + <p> + Mr Waller intervened at this point. + </p> + <p> + 'I think you must really let Jackson go on with his work, Smith,' he said. + 'There seems to be too much talking.' + </p> + <p> + 'My besetting sin,' said Psmith sadly. 'Well, well, I will go back and do + my best to face it, but it's a tough job.' + </p> + <p> + He tottered wearily away in the direction of the Postage Department. + </p> + <p> + 'Oh, Jackson,' said Mr Waller, 'will you kindly take my place for a few + minutes? I must go round and see the Inward Bills about something. I shall + be back very soon.' + </p> + <p> + Mike was becoming accustomed to deputizing for the cashier for short + spaces of time. It generally happened that he had to do so once or twice a + day. Strictly speaking, perhaps, Mr Waller was wrong to leave such an + important task as the actual cashing of cheques to an inexperienced person + of Mike's standing; but the New Asiatic Bank differed from most banks in + that there was not a great deal of cross-counter work. People came in + fairly frequently to cash cheques of two or three pounds, but it was rare + that any very large dealings took place. + </p> + <p> + Having completed his business with the Inward Bills, Mr Waller made his + way back by a circuitous route, taking in the Postage desk. + </p> + <p> + He found Psmith with a pale, set face, inscribing figures in a ledger. The + Old Etonian greeted him with the faint smile of a persecuted saint who is + determined to be cheerful even at the stake. + </p> + <p> + 'Comrade Bristow,' he said. + </p> + <p> + 'Hullo, Smithy?' said the other, turning. + </p> + <p> + Psmith sadly directed Mr Waller's attention to the waistcoat, which was + certainly definite in its colouring. + </p> + <p> + 'Nothing,' said Psmith. 'I only wanted to look at you.' + </p> + <p> + 'Funny ass,' said Bristow, resuming his work. Psmith glanced at Mr Waller, + as who should say, 'See what I have to put up with. And yet I do not give + way.' + </p> + <p> + 'Oh—er—Smith,' said Mr Waller, 'when you were talking to + Jackson just now—' + </p> + <p> + 'Say no more,' said Psmith. 'It shall not occur again. Why should I + dislocate the work of your department in my efforts to win a sympathetic + word? I will bear Comrade Bristow like a man here. After all, there are + worse things at the Zoo.' + </p> + <p> + 'No, no,' said Mr Waller hastily, 'I did not mean that. By all means pay + us a visit now and then, if it does not interfere with your own work. But + I noticed just now that you spoke to Bristow as Comrade Bristow.' + </p> + <p> + 'It is too true,' said Psmith. 'I must correct myself of the habit. He + will be getting above himself.' + </p> + <p> + 'And when you were speaking to Jackson, you spoke of yourself as a + Socialist.' + </p> + <p> + 'Socialism is the passion of my life,' said Psmith. + </p> + <p> + Mr Waller's face grew animated. He stammered in his eagerness. + </p> + <p> + 'I am delighted,' he said. 'Really, I am delighted. I also—' + </p> + <p> + 'A fellow worker in the Cause?' said Psmith. + </p> + <p> + 'Er—exactly.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith extended his hand gravely. Mr Waller shook it with enthusiasm. + </p> + <p> + 'I have never liked to speak of it to anybody in the office,' said Mr + Waller, 'but I, too, am heart and soul in the movement.' + </p> + <p> + 'Yours for the Revolution?' said Psmith. + </p> + <p> + 'Just so. Just so. Exactly. I was wondering—the fact is, I am in the + habit of speaking on Sundays in the open air, and—' + </p> + <p> + 'Hyde Park?' + </p> + <p> + 'No. No. Clapham Common. It is—er—handier for me where I live. + Now, as you are interested in the movement, I was thinking that perhaps + you might care to come and hear me speak next Sunday. Of course, if you + have nothing better to do.' + </p> + <p> + 'I should like to excessively,' said Psmith. + </p> + <p> + 'Excellent. Bring Jackson with you, and both of you come to supper + afterwards, if you will.' + </p> + <p> + 'Thanks very much.' + </p> + <p> + 'Perhaps you would speak yourself?' + </p> + <p> + 'No,' said Psmith. 'No. I think not. My Socialism is rather of the + practical sort. I seldom speak. But it would be a treat to listen to you. + What—er—what type of oratory is yours?' + </p> + <p> + 'Oh, well,' said Mr Waller, pulling nervously at his beard, 'of course I—. + Well, I am perhaps a little bitter—' + </p> + <p> + 'Yes, yes.' + </p> + <p> + 'A little mordant and ironical.' + </p> + <p> + 'You would be,' agreed Psmith. 'I shall look forward to Sunday with every + fibre quivering. And Comrade Jackson shall be at my side.' + </p> + <p> + 'Excellent,' said Mr Waller. 'I will go and tell him now.' + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0015" id="link2H_4_0015"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + 15. Stirring Times on the Common + </h2> + <p> + 'The first thing to do,' said Psmith, 'is to ascertain that such a place + as Clapham Common really exists. One has heard of it, of course, but has + its existence ever been proved? I think not. Having accomplished that, we + must then try to find out how to get to it. I should say at a venture that + it would necessitate a sea-voyage. On the other hand, Comrade Waller, who + is a native of the spot, seems to find no difficulty in rolling to the + office every morning. Therefore—you follow me, Jackson?—it + must be in England. In that case, we will take a taximeter cab, and go out + into the unknown, hand in hand, trusting to luck.' + </p> + <p> + 'I expect you could get there by tram,' said Mike. + </p> + <p> + Psmith suppressed a slight shudder. + </p> + <p> + 'I fear, Comrade Jackson,' he said, 'that the old noblesse oblige + traditions of the Psmiths would not allow me to do that. No. We will + stroll gently, after a light lunch, to Trafalgar Square, and hail a taxi.' + </p> + <p> + 'Beastly expensive.' + </p> + <p> + 'But with what an object! Can any expenditure be called excessive which + enables us to hear Comrade Waller being mordant and ironical at the other + end?' + </p> + <p> + 'It's a rum business,' said Mike. 'I hope the dickens he won't mix us up + in it. We should look frightful fools.' + </p> + <p> + 'I may possibly say a few words,' said Psmith carelessly, 'if the spirit + moves me. Who am I that I should deny people a simple pleasure?' + </p> + <p> + Mike looked alarmed. + </p> + <p> + 'Look here,' he said, 'I say, if you <i>are</i> going to play the goat, + for goodness' sake don't go lugging me into it. I've got heaps of troubles + without that.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith waved the objection aside. + </p> + <p> + 'You,' he said, 'will be one of the large, and, I hope, interested + audience. Nothing more. But it is quite possible that the spirit may not + move me. I may not feel inspired to speak. I am not one of those who love + speaking for speaking's sake. If I have no message for the many-headed, I + shall remain silent.' + </p> + <p> + 'Then I hope the dickens you won't have,' said Mike. Of all things he + hated most being conspicuous before a crowd—except at cricket, which + was a different thing—and he had an uneasy feeling that Psmith would + rather like it than otherwise. + </p> + <p> + 'We shall see,' said Psmith absently. 'Of course, if in the vein, I might + do something big in the way of oratory. I am a plain, blunt man, but I + feel convinced that, given the opportunity, I should haul up my slacks to + some effect. But—well, we shall see. We shall see.' + </p> + <p> + And with this ghastly state of doubt Mike had to be content. + </p> + <p> + It was with feelings of apprehension that he accompanied Psmith from the + flat to Trafalgar Square in search of a cab which should convey them to + Clapham Common. + </p> + <p> + They were to meet Mr Waller at the edge of the Common nearest the old town + of Clapham. On the journey down Psmith was inclined to be <i>debonnaire</i>. + Mike, on the other hand, was silent and apprehensive. He knew enough of + Psmith to know that, if half an opportunity were offered him, he would + extract entertainment from this affair after his own fashion; and then the + odds were that he himself would be dragged into it. Perhaps—his + scalp bristled at the mere idea—he would even be let in for a + speech. + </p> + <p> + This grisly thought had hardly come into his head, when Psmith spoke. + </p> + <p> + 'I'm not half sure,' he said thoughtfully, 'I sha'n't call on you for a + speech, Comrade Jackson.' + </p> + <p> + 'Look here, Psmith—' began Mike agitatedly. + </p> + <p> + 'I don't know. I think your solid, incisive style would rather go down + with the masses. However, we shall see, we shall see.' + </p> + <p> + Mike reached the Common in a state of nervous collapse. + </p> + <p> + Mr Waller was waiting for them by the railings near the pond. The apostle + of the Revolution was clad soberly in black, except for a tie of vivid + crimson. His eyes shone with the light of enthusiasm, vastly different + from the mild glow of amiability which they exhibited for six days in + every week. The man was transformed. + </p> + <p> + 'Here you are,' he said. 'Here you are. Excellent. You are in good time. + Comrades Wotherspoon and Prebble have already begun to speak. I shall + commence now that you have come. This is the way. Over by these trees.' + </p> + <p> + They made their way towards a small clump of trees, near which a + fair-sized crowd had already begun to collect. Evidently listening to the + speakers was one of Clapham's fashionable Sunday amusements. Mr Waller + talked and gesticulated incessantly as he walked. Psmith's demeanour was + perhaps a shade patronizing, but he displayed interest. Mike proceeded to + the meeting with the air of an about-to-be-washed dog. He was loathing the + whole business with a heartiness worthy of a better cause. Somehow, he + felt he was going to be made to look a fool before the afternoon was over. + But he registered a vow that nothing should drag him on to the small + platform which had been erected for the benefit of the speaker. + </p> + <p> + As they drew nearer, the voices of Comrades Wotherspoon and Prebble became + more audible. They had been audible all the time, very much so, but now + they grew in volume. Comrade Wotherspoon was a tall, thin man with + side-whiskers and a high voice. He scattered his aitches as a fountain its + sprays in a strong wind. He was very earnest. Comrade Prebble was earnest, + too. Perhaps even more so than Comrade Wotherspoon. He was handicapped to + some extent, however, by not having a palate. This gave to his profoundest + thoughts a certain weirdness, as if they had been uttered in an unknown + tongue. The crowd was thickest round his platform. The grown-up section + plainly regarded him as a comedian, pure and simple, and roared with happy + laughter when he urged them to march upon Park Lane and loot the same + without mercy or scruple. The children were more doubtful. Several had + broken down, and been led away in tears. + </p> + <p> + When Mr Waller got up to speak on platform number three, his audience + consisted at first only of Psmith, Mike, and a fox-terrier. Gradually + however, he attracted others. After wavering for a while, the crowd + finally decided that he was worth hearing. He had a method of his own. + Lacking the natural gifts which marked Comrade Prebble out as an + entertainer, he made up for this by his activity. Where his colleagues + stood comparatively still, Mr Waller behaved with the vivacity generally + supposed to belong only to peas on shovels and cats on hot bricks. He + crouched to denounce the House of Lords. He bounded from side to side + while dissecting the methods of the plutocrats. During an impassioned + onslaught on the monarchical system he stood on one leg and hopped. This + was more the sort of thing the crowd had come to see. Comrade Wotherspoon + found himself deserted, and even Comrade Prebble's shortcomings in the way + of palate were insufficient to keep his flock together. The entire + strength of the audience gathered in front of the third platform. + </p> + <p> + Mike, separated from Psmith by the movement of the crowd, listened with a + growing depression. That feeling which attacks a sensitive person + sometimes at the theatre when somebody is making himself ridiculous on the + stage—the illogical feeling that it is he and not the actor who is + floundering—had come over him in a wave. He liked Mr Waller, and it + made his gorge rise to see him exposing himself to the jeers of a crowd. + The fact that Mr Waller himself did not know that they were jeers, but + mistook them for applause, made it no better. Mike felt vaguely furious. + </p> + <p> + His indignation began to take a more personal shape when the speaker, + branching off from the main subject of Socialism, began to touch on + temperance. There was no particular reason why Mr Waller should have + introduced the subject of temperance, except that he happened to be an + enthusiast. He linked it on to his remarks on Socialism by attributing the + lethargy of the masses to their fondness for alcohol; and the crowd, which + had been inclined rather to pat itself on the back during the assaults on + Rank and Property, finding itself assailed in its turn, resented it. They + were there to listen to speakers telling them that they were the finest + fellows on earth, not pointing out their little failings to them. The + feeling of the meeting became hostile. The jeers grew more frequent and + less good-tempered. + </p> + <p> + 'Comrade Waller means well,' said a voice in Mike's ear, 'but if he shoots + it at them like this much more there'll be a bit of an imbroglio.' + </p> + <p> + 'Look here, Smith,' said Mike quickly, 'can't we stop him? These chaps are + getting fed up, and they look bargees enough to do anything. They'll be + going for him or something soon.' + </p> + <p> + 'How can we switch off the flow? I don't see. The man is wound up. He + means to get it off his chest if it snows. I feel we are by way of being + in the soup once more, Comrade Jackson. We can only sit tight and look + on.' + </p> + <p> + The crowd was becoming more threatening every minute. A group of young men + of the loafer class who stood near Mike were especially fertile in + comment. Psmith's eyes were on the speaker; but Mike was watching this + group closely. Suddenly he saw one of them, a thick-set youth wearing a + cloth cap and no collar, stoop. + </p> + <p> + When he rose again there was a stone in his hand. + </p> + <p> + The sight acted on Mike like a spur. Vague rage against nobody in + particular had been simmering in him for half an hour. Now it concentrated + itself on the cloth-capped one. + </p> + <p> + Mr Waller paused momentarily before renewing his harangue. The man in the + cloth cap raised his hand. There was a swirl in the crowd, and the first + thing that Psmith saw as he turned was Mike seizing the would-be marksman + round the neck and hurling him to the ground, after the manner of a + forward at football tackling an opponent during a line-out from touch. + </p> + <p> + There is one thing which will always distract the attention of a crowd + from any speaker, and that is a dispute between two of its units. Mr + Waller's views on temperance were forgotten in an instant. The audience + surged round Mike and his opponent. + </p> + <p> + The latter had scrambled to his feet now, and was looking round for his + assailant. + </p> + <p> + 'That's 'im, Bill!' cried eager voices, indicating Mike. + </p> + <p> + ''E's the bloke wot 'it yer, Bill,' said others, more precise in detail. + </p> + <p> + Bill advanced on Mike in a sidelong, crab-like manner. + </p> + <p> + ''Oo're you, I should like to know?' said Bill. + </p> + <p> + Mike, rightly holding that this was merely a rhetorical question and that + Bill had no real thirst for information as to his family history, made no + reply. Or, rather, the reply he made was not verbal. He waited till his + questioner was within range, and then hit him in the eye. A reply far more + satisfactory, if not to Bill himself, at any rate to the interested + onlookers, than any flow of words. + </p> + <p> + A contented sigh went up from the crowd. Their Sunday afternoon was going + to be spent just as they considered Sunday afternoons should be spent. + </p> + <p> + 'Give us your coat,' said Psmith briskly, 'and try and get it over quick. + Don't go in for any fancy sparring. Switch it on, all you know, from the + start. I'll keep a thoughtful eye open to see that none of his friends and + relations join in.' + </p> + <p> + Outwardly Psmith was unruffled, but inwardly he was not feeling so + composed. An ordinary turn-up before an impartial crowd which could be + relied upon to preserve the etiquette of these matters was one thing. As + regards the actual little dispute with the cloth-capped Bill, he felt that + he could rely on Mike to handle it satisfactorily. But there was no + knowing how long the crowd would be content to remain mere spectators. + There was no doubt which way its sympathies lay. Bill, now stripped of his + coat and sketching out in a hoarse voice a scenario of what he intended to + do—knocking Mike down and stamping him into the mud was one of the + milder feats he promised to perform for the entertainment of an indulgent + audience—was plainly the popular favourite. + </p> + <p> + Psmith, though he did not show it, was more than a little apprehensive. + </p> + <p> + Mike, having more to occupy his mind in the immediate present, was not + anxious concerning the future. He had the great advantage over Psmith of + having lost his temper. Psmith could look on the situation as a whole, and + count the risks and possibilities. Mike could only see Bill shuffling + towards him with his head down and shoulders bunched. + </p> + <p> + 'Gow it, Bill!' said someone. + </p> + <p> + 'Pliy up, the Arsenal!' urged a voice on the outskirts of the crowd. + </p> + <p> + A chorus of encouragement from kind friends in front: 'Step up, Bill!' + </p> + <p> + And Bill stepped. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0016" id="link2H_4_0016"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + 16. Further Developments + </h2> + <p> + Bill (surname unknown) was not one of your ultra-scientific fighters. He + did not favour the American crouch and the artistic feint. He had a style + wholly his own. It seemed to have been modelled partly on a tortoise and + partly on a windmill. His head he appeared to be trying to conceal between + his shoulders, and he whirled his arms alternately in circular sweeps. + </p> + <p> + Mike, on the other hand, stood upright and hit straight, with the result + that he hurt his knuckles very much on his opponent's skull, without + seeming to disturb the latter to any great extent. In the process he + received one of the windmill swings on the left ear. The crowd, strong + pro-Billites, raised a cheer. + </p> + <p> + This maddened Mike. He assumed the offensive. Bill, satisfied for the + moment with his success, had stepped back, and was indulging in some fancy + sparring, when Mike sprang upon him like a panther. They clinched, and + Mike, who had got the under grip, hurled Bill forcibly against a stout man + who looked like a publican. The two fell in a heap, Bill underneath. + </p> + <p> + At the same time Bill's friends joined in. + </p> + <p> + The first intimation Mike had of this was a violent blow across the + shoulders with a walking-stick. Even if he had been wearing his overcoat, + the blow would have hurt. As he was in his jacket it hurt more than + anything he had ever experienced in his life. He leapt up with a yell, but + Psmith was there before him. Mike saw his assailant lift the stick again, + and then collapse as the old Etonian's right took him under the chin. + </p> + <p> + He darted to Psmith's side. + </p> + <p> + 'This is no place for us,' observed the latter sadly. 'Shift ho, I think. + Come on.' + </p> + <p> + They dashed simultaneously for the spot where the crowd was thinnest. The + ring which had formed round Mike and Bill had broken up as the result of + the intervention of Bill's allies, and at the spot for which they ran only + two men were standing. And these had apparently made up their minds that + neutrality was the best policy, for they made no movement to stop them. + Psmith and Mike charged through the gap, and raced for the road. + </p> + <p> + The suddenness of the move gave them just the start they needed. Mike + looked over his shoulder. The crowd, to a man, seemed to be following. + Bill, excavated from beneath the publican, led the field. Lying a good + second came a band of three, and after them the rest in a bunch. + </p> + <p> + They reached the road in this order. + </p> + <p> + Some fifty yards down the road was a stationary tram. In the ordinary + course of things it would probably have moved on long before Psmith and + Mike could have got to it; but the conductor, a man with sporting blood in + him, seeing what appeared to be the finish of some Marathon Race, + refrained from giving the signal, and moved out into the road to observe + events more clearly, at the same time calling to the driver, who joined + him. Passengers on the roof stood up to get a good view. There was some + cheering. + </p> + <p> + Psmith and Mike reached the tram ten yards to the good; and, if it had + been ready to start then, all would have been well. But Bill and his + friends had arrived while the driver and conductor were both out in the + road. + </p> + <p> + The affair now began to resemble the doings of Horatius on the bridge. + Psmith and Mike turned to bay on the platform at the foot of the tram + steps. Bill, leading by three yards, sprang on to it, grabbed Mike, and + fell with him on to the road. Psmith, descending with a dignity somewhat + lessened by the fact that his hat was on the side of his head, was in time + to engage the runners-up. + </p> + <p> + Psmith, as pugilist, lacked something of the calm majesty which + characterized him in the more peaceful moments of life, but he was + undoubtedly effective. Nature had given him an enormous reach and a + lightness on his feet remarkable in one of his size; and at some time in + his career he appeared to have learned how to use his hands. The first of + the three runners, the walking-stick manipulator, had the misfortune to + charge straight into the old Etonian's left. It was a well-timed blow, and + the force of it, added to the speed at which the victim was running, sent + him on to the pavement, where he spun round and sat down. In the + subsequent proceedings he took no part. + </p> + <p> + The other two attacked Psmith simultaneously, one on each side. In doing + so, the one on the left tripped over Mike and Bill, who were still in the + process of sorting themselves out, and fell, leaving Psmith free to attend + to the other. He was a tall, weedy youth. His conspicuous features were a + long nose and a light yellow waistcoat. Psmith hit him on the former with + his left and on the latter with his right. The long youth emitted a + gurgle, and collided with Bill, who had wrenched himself free from Mike + and staggered to his feet. Bill, having received a second blow in the eye + during the course of his interview on the road with Mike, was not feeling + himself. Mistaking the other for an enemy, he proceeded to smite him in + the parts about the jaw. He had just upset him, when a stern official + voice observed, ''Ere, now, what's all this?' + </p> + <p> + There is no more unfailing corrective to a scene of strife than the + 'What's all this?' of the London policeman. Bill abandoned his intention + of stamping on the prostrate one, and the latter, sitting up, blinked and + was silent. + </p> + <p> + 'What's all this?' asked the policeman again. Psmith, adjusting his hat at + the correct angle again, undertook the explanations. + </p> + <p> + 'A distressing scene, officer,' he said. 'A case of that unbridled + brawling which is, alas, but too common in our London streets. These two, + possibly till now the closest friends, fall out over some point, probably + of the most trivial nature, and what happens? They brawl. They—' + </p> + <p> + 'He 'it me,' said the long youth, dabbing at his face with a handkerchief + and pointing an accusing finger at Psmith, who regarded him through his + eyeglass with a look in which pity and censure were nicely blended. + </p> + <p> + Bill, meanwhile, circling round restlessly, in the apparent hope of + getting past the Law and having another encounter with Mike, expressed + himself in a stream of language which drew stern reproof from the shocked + constable. + </p> + <p> + 'You 'op it,' concluded the man in blue. 'That's what you do. You 'op it.' + </p> + <p> + 'I should,' said Psmith kindly. 'The officer is speaking in your best + interests. A man of taste and discernment, he knows what is best. His + advice is good, and should be followed.' + </p> + <p> + The constable seemed to notice Psmith for the first time. He turned and + stared at him. Psmith's praise had not had the effect of softening him. + His look was one of suspicion. + </p> + <p> + 'And what might <i>you</i> have been up to?' he inquired coldly. 'This man + says you hit him.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith waved the matter aside. + </p> + <p> + 'Purely in self-defence,' he said, 'purely in self-defence. What else + could the man of spirit do? A mere tap to discourage an aggressive + movement.' + </p> + <p> + The policeman stood silent, weighing matters in the balance. He produced a + notebook and sucked his pencil. Then he called the conductor of the tram + as a witness. + </p> + <p> + 'A brainy and admirable step,' said Psmith, approvingly. 'This rugged, + honest man, all unused to verbal subtleties, shall give us his plain + account of what happened. After which, as I presume this tram—little + as I know of the habits of trams—has got to go somewhere today, I + would suggest that we all separated and moved on.' + </p> + <p> + He took two half-crowns from his pocket, and began to clink them + meditatively together. A slight softening of the frigidity of the + constable's manner became noticeable. There was a milder beam in the eyes + which gazed into Psmith's. + </p> + <p> + Nor did the conductor seem altogether uninfluenced by the sight. + </p> + <p> + The conductor deposed that he had bin on the point of pushing on, seeing + as how he'd hung abart long enough, when he see'd them two gents, the long + 'un with the heye-glass (Psmith bowed) and t'other 'un, a-legging of it + dahn the road towards him, with the other blokes pelting after 'em. He + added that, when they reached the trem, the two gents had got aboard, and + was then set upon by the blokes. And after that, he concluded, well, there + was a bit of a scrap, and that's how it was. + </p> + <p> + 'Lucidly and excellently put,' said Psmith. 'That is just how it was. + Comrade Jackson, I fancy we leave the court without a stain on our + characters. We win through. Er—constable, we have given you a great + deal of trouble. Possibly—?' + </p> + <p> + 'Thank you, sir.' There was a musical clinking. 'Now then, all of you, you + 'op it. You're all bin poking your noses in 'ere long enough. Pop off. Get + on with that tram, conductor.' Psmith and Mike settled themselves in a + seat on the roof. When the conductor came along, Psmith gave him half a + crown, and asked after his wife and the little ones at home. The conductor + thanked goodness that he was a bachelor, punched the tickets, and retired. + </p> + <p> + 'Subject for a historical picture,' said Psmith. 'Wounded leaving the + field after the Battle of Clapham Common. How are your injuries, Comrade + Jackson?' + </p> + <p> + 'My back's hurting like blazes,' said Mike. 'And my ear's all sore where + that chap got me. Anything the matter with you?' + </p> + <p> + 'Physically,' said Psmith, 'no. Spiritually much. Do you realize, Comrade + Jackson, the thing that has happened? I am riding in a tram. I, Psmith, + have paid a penny for a ticket on a tram. If this should get about the + clubs! I tell you, Comrade Jackson, no such crisis has ever occurred + before in the course of my career.' + </p> + <p> + 'You can always get off, you know,' said Mike. + </p> + <p> + 'He thinks of everything,' said Psmith, admiringly. 'You have touched the + spot with an unerring finger. Let us descend. I observe in the distance a + cab. That looks to me more the sort of thing we want. Let us go and parley + with the driver.' + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0017" id="link2H_4_0017"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + 17. Sunday Supper + </h2> + <p> + The cab took them back to the flat, at considerable expense, and Psmith + requested Mike to make tea, a performance in which he himself was + interested purely as a spectator. He had views on the subject of + tea-making which he liked to expound from an armchair or sofa, but he + never got further than this. Mike, his back throbbing dully from the blow + he had received, and feeling more than a little sore all over, prepared + the Etna, fetched the milk, and finally produced the finished article. + </p> + <p> + Psmith sipped meditatively. + </p> + <p> + 'How pleasant,' he said, 'after strife is rest. We shouldn't have + appreciated this simple cup of tea had our sensibilities remained + unstirred this afternoon. We can now sit at our ease, like warriors after + the fray, till the time comes for setting out to Comrade Waller's once + more.' + </p> + <p> + Mike looked up. + </p> + <p> + 'What! You don't mean to say you're going to sweat out to Clapham again?' + </p> + <p> + 'Undoubtedly. Comrade Waller is expecting us to supper.' + </p> + <p> + 'What absolute rot! We can't fag back there.' + </p> + <p> + 'Noblesse oblige. The cry has gone round the Waller household, "Jackson + and Psmith are coming to supper," and we cannot disappoint them now. + Already the fatted blanc-mange has been killed, and the table creaks + beneath what's left of the midday beef. We must be there; besides, don't + you want to see how the poor man is? Probably we shall find him in the act + of emitting his last breath. I expect he was lynched by the enthusiastic + mob.' + </p> + <p> + 'Not much,' grinned Mike. 'They were too busy with us. All right, I'll + come if you really want me to, but it's awful rot.' + </p> + <p> + One of the many things Mike could never understand in Psmith was his + fondness for getting into atmospheres that were not his own. He would go + out of his way to do this. Mike, like most boys of his age, was never + really happy and at his ease except in the presence of those of his own + years and class. Psmith, on the contrary, seemed to be bored by them, and + infinitely preferred talking to somebody who lived in quite another world. + Mike was not a snob. He simply had not the ability to be at his ease with + people in another class from his own. He did not know what to talk to them + about, unless they were cricket professionals. With them he was never at a + loss. + </p> + <p> + But Psmith was different. He could get on with anyone. He seemed to have + the gift of entering into their minds and seeing things from their point + of view. + </p> + <p> + As regarded Mr Waller, Mike liked him personally, and was prepared, as we + have seen, to undertake considerable risks in his defence; but he loathed + with all his heart and soul the idea of supper at his house. He knew that + he would have nothing to say. Whereas Psmith gave him the impression of + looking forward to the thing as a treat. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + The house where Mr Waller lived was one of a row of semi-detached villas + on the north side of the Common. The door was opened to them by their host + himself. So far from looking battered and emitting last breaths, he + appeared particularly spruce. He had just returned from Church, and was + still wearing his gloves and tall hat. He squeaked with surprise when he + saw who were standing on the mat. + </p> + <p> + 'Why, dear me, dear me,' he said. 'Here you are! I have been wondering + what had happened to you. I was afraid that you might have been seriously + hurt. I was afraid those ruffians might have injured you. When last I saw + you, you were being—' + </p> + <p> + 'Chivvied,' interposed Psmith, with dignified melancholy. 'Do not let us + try to wrap the fact up in pleasant words. We were being chivvied. We were + legging it with the infuriated mob at our heels. An ignominious position + for a Shropshire Psmith, but, after all, Napoleon did the same.' + </p> + <p> + 'But what happened? I could not see. I only know that quite suddenly the + people seemed to stop listening to me, and all gathered round you and + Jackson. And then I saw that Jackson was engaged in a fight with a young + man.' + </p> + <p> + 'Comrade Jackson, I imagine, having heard a great deal about all men being + equal, was anxious to test the theory, and see whether Comrade Bill was as + good a man as he was. The experiment was broken off prematurely, but I + personally should be inclined to say that Comrade Jackson had a shade the + better of the exchanges.' + </p> + <p> + Mr Waller looked with interest at Mike, who shuffled and felt awkward. He + was hoping that Psmith would say nothing about the reason of his engaging + Bill in combat. He had an uneasy feeling that Mr Waller's gratitude would + be effusive and overpowering, and he did not wish to pose as the brave + young hero. There are moments when one does not feel equal to the <i>role</i>. + </p> + <p> + Fortunately, before Mr Waller had time to ask any further questions, the + supper-bell sounded, and they went into the dining-room. + </p> + <p> + Sunday supper, unless done on a large and informal scale, is probably the + most depressing meal in existence. There is a chill discomfort in the + round of beef, an icy severity about the open jam tart. The blancmange + shivers miserably. + </p> + <p> + Spirituous liquor helps to counteract the influence of these things, and + so does exhilarating conversation. Unfortunately, at Mr Waller's table + there was neither. The cashier's views on temperance were not merely for + the platform; they extended to the home. And the company was not of the + exhilarating sort. Besides Psmith and Mike and their host, there were four + people present—Comrade Prebble, the orator; a young man of the name + of Richards; Mr Waller's niece, answering to the name of Ada, who was + engaged to Mr Richards; and Edward. + </p> + <p> + Edward was Mr Waller's son. He was ten years old, wore a very tight Eton + suit, and had the peculiarly loathsome expression which a snub nose + sometimes gives to the young. + </p> + <p> + It would have been plain to the most casual observer that Mr Waller was + fond and proud of his son. The cashier was a widower, and after five + minutes' acquaintance with Edward, Mike felt strongly that Mrs Waller was + the lucky one. Edward sat next to Mike, and showed a tendency to + concentrate his conversation on him. Psmith, at the opposite end of the + table, beamed in a fatherly manner upon the pair through his eyeglass. + </p> + <p> + Mike got on with small girls reasonably well. He preferred them at a + distance, but, if cornered by them, could put up a fairly good show. Small + boys, however, filled him with a sort of frozen horror. It was his view + that a boy should not be exhibited publicly until he reached an age when + he might be in the running for some sort of colours at a public school. + </p> + <p> + Edward was one of those well-informed small boys. He opened on Mike with + the first mouthful. + </p> + <p> + 'Do you know the principal exports of Marseilles?' he inquired. + </p> + <p> + 'What?' said Mike coldly. + </p> + <p> + 'Do you know the principal exports of Marseilles? I do.' + </p> + <p> + 'Oh?' said Mike. + </p> + <p> + 'Yes. Do you know the capital of Madagascar?' + </p> + <p> + Mike, as crimson as the beef he was attacking, said he did not. + </p> + <p> + 'I do.' + </p> + <p> + 'Oh?' said Mike. + </p> + <p> + 'Who was the first king—' + </p> + <p> + 'You mustn't worry Mr Jackson, Teddy,' said Mr Waller, with a touch of + pride in his voice, as who should say 'There are not many boys of his age, + I can tell you, who <i>could</i> worry you with questions like that.' + </p> + <p> + 'No, no, he likes it,' said Psmith, unnecessarily. 'He likes it. I always + hold that much may be learned by casual chit-chat across the dinner-table. + I owe much of my own grasp of—' + </p> + <p> + 'I bet <i>you</i> don't know what's the capital of Madagascar,' + interrupted Mike rudely. + </p> + <p> + 'I do,' said Edward. 'I can tell you the kings of Israel?' he added, + turning to Mike. He seemed to have no curiosity as to the extent of + Psmith's knowledge. Mike's appeared to fascinate him. + </p> + <p> + Mike helped himself to beetroot in moody silence. + </p> + <p> + His mouth was full when Comrade Prebble asked him a question. Comrade + Prebble, as has been pointed out in an earlier part of the narrative, was + a good chap, but had no roof to his mouth. + </p> + <p> + 'I beg your pardon?' said Mike. + </p> + <p> + Comrade Prebble repeated his observation. Mike looked helplessly at + Psmith, but Psmith's eyes were on his plate. + </p> + <p> + Mike felt he must venture on some answer. + </p> + <p> + 'No,' he said decidedly. + </p> + <p> + Comrade Prebble seemed slightly taken aback. There was an awkward pause. + Then Mr Waller, for whom his fellow Socialist's methods of conversation + held no mysteries, interpreted. + </p> + <p> + 'The mustard, Prebble? Yes, yes. Would you mind passing Prebble the + mustard, Mr Jackson?' + </p> + <p> + 'Oh, sorry,' gasped Mike, and, reaching out, upset the water-jug into the + open jam-tart. + </p> + <p> + Through the black mist which rose before his eyes as he leaped to his feet + and stammered apologies came the dispassionate voice of Master Edward + Waller reminding him that mustard was first introduced into Peru by + Cortez. + </p> + <p> + His host was all courtesy and consideration. He passed the matter off + genially. But life can never be quite the same after you have upset a + water-jug into an open jam-tart at the table of a comparative stranger. + Mike's nerve had gone. He ate on, but he was a broken man. + </p> + <p> + At the other end of the table it became gradually apparent that things + were not going on altogether as they should have done. There was a sort of + bleakness in the atmosphere. Young Mr Richards was looking like a stuffed + fish, and the face of Mr Waller's niece was cold and set. + </p> + <p> + 'Why, come, come, Ada,' said Mr Waller, breezily, 'what's the matter? + You're eating nothing. What's George been saying to you?' he added + jocularly. + </p> + <p> + 'Thank you, uncle Robert,' replied Ada precisely, 'there's nothing the + matter. Nothing that Mr Richards can say to me can upset me.' + </p> + <p> + 'Mr Richards!' echoed Mr Waller in astonishment. How was he to know that, + during the walk back from church, the world had been transformed, George + had become Mr Richards, and all was over? + </p> + <p> + 'I assure you, Ada—' began that unfortunate young man. Ada turned a + frigid shoulder towards him. + </p> + <p> + 'Come, come,' said Mr Waller disturbed. 'What's all this? What's all + this?' + </p> + <p> + His niece burst into tears and left the room. + </p> + <p> + If there is anything more embarrassing to a guest than a family row, we + have yet to hear of it. Mike, scarlet to the extreme edges of his ears, + concentrated himself on his plate. Comrade Prebble made a great many + remarks, which were probably illuminating, if they could have been + understood. Mr Waller looked, astonished, at Mr Richards. Mr Richards, + pink but dogged, loosened his collar, but said nothing. Psmith, leaning + forward, asked Master Edward Waller his opinion on the Licensing Bill. + </p> + <p> + 'We happened to have a word or two,' said Mr Richards at length, 'on the + way home from church on the subject of Women's Suffrage.' + </p> + <p> + 'That fatal topic!' murmured Psmith. + </p> + <p> + 'In Australia—' began Master Edward Waller. + </p> + <p> + 'I was rayther—well, rayther facetious about it,' continued Mr + Richards. + </p> + <p> + Psmith clicked his tongue sympathetically. + </p> + <p> + 'In Australia—' said Edward. + </p> + <p> + 'I went talking on, laughing and joking, when all of a sudden she flew out + at me. How was I to know she was 'eart and soul in the movement? You never + told me,' he added accusingly to his host. + </p> + <p> + 'In Australia—' said Edward. + </p> + <p> + 'I'll go and try and get her round. How was I to know?' + </p> + <p> + Mr Richards thrust back his chair and bounded from the room. + </p> + <p> + 'Now, iawinyaw, iear oiler—' said Comrade Prebble judicially, but + was interrupted. + </p> + <p> + 'How very disturbing!' said Mr Waller. 'I am so sorry that this should + have happened. Ada is such a touchy, sensitive girl. She—' + </p> + <p> + 'In Australia,' said Edward in even tones, 'they've <i>got</i> Women's + Suffrage already. Did <i>you</i> know that?' he said to Mike. + </p> + <p> + Mike made no answer. His eyes were fixed on his plate. A bead of + perspiration began to roll down his forehead. If his feelings could have + been ascertained at that moment, they would have been summed up in the + words, 'Death, where is thy sting?' + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0018" id="link2H_4_0018"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + 18. Psmith Makes a Discovery + </h2> + <p> + 'Women,' said Psmith, helping himself to trifle, and speaking with the air + of one launched upon his special subject, 'are, one must recollect, like—like—er, + well, in fact, just so. Passing on lightly from that conclusion, let us + turn for a moment to the Rights of Property, in connection with which + Comrade Prebble and yourself had so much that was interesting to say this + afternoon. Perhaps you'—he bowed in Comrade Prebble's direction—'would + resume, for the benefit of Comrade Jackson—a novice in the Cause, + but earnest—your very lucid—' + </p> + <p> + Comrade Prebble beamed, and took the floor. Mike began to realize that, + till now, he had never known what boredom meant. There had been moments in + his life which had been less interesting than other moments, but nothing + to touch this for agony. Comrade Prebble's address streamed on like water + rushing over a weir. Every now and then there was a word or two which was + recognizable, but this happened so rarely that it amounted to little. + Sometimes Mr Waller would interject a remark, but not often. He seemed to + be of the opinion that Comrade Prebble's was the master mind and that to + add anything to his views would be in the nature of painting the lily and + gilding the refined gold. Mike himself said nothing. Psmith and Edward + were equally silent. The former sat like one in a trance, thinking his own + thoughts, while Edward, who, prospecting on the sideboard, had located a + rich biscuit-mine, was too occupied for speech. + </p> + <p> + After about twenty minutes, during which Mike's discomfort changed to a + dull resignation, Mr Waller suggested a move to the drawing-room, where + Ada, he said, would play some hymns. + </p> + <p> + The prospect did not dazzle Mike, but any change, he thought, must be for + the better. He had sat staring at the ruin of the blancmange so long that + it had begun to hypnotize him. Also, the move had the excellent result of + eliminating the snub-nosed Edward, who was sent to bed. His last words + were in the form of a question, addressed to Mike, on the subject of the + hypotenuse and the square upon the same. + </p> + <p> + 'A remarkably intelligent boy,' said Psmith. 'You must let him come to tea + at our flat one day. I may not be in myself—I have many duties which + keep me away—but Comrade Jackson is sure to be there, and will be + delighted to chat with him.' + </p> + <p> + On the way upstairs Mike tried to get Psmith to himself for a moment to + suggest the advisability of an early departure; but Psmith was in close + conversation with his host. Mike was left to Comrade Prebble, who, + apparently, had only touched the fringe of his subject in his lecture in + the dining-room. + </p> + <p> + When Mr Waller had predicted hymns in the drawing-room, he had been too + sanguine (or too pessimistic). Of Ada, when they arrived, there were no + signs. It seemed that she had gone straight to bed. Young Mr Richards was + sitting on the sofa, moodily turning the leaves of a photograph album, + which contained portraits of Master Edward Waller in geometrically + progressing degrees of repulsiveness—here, in frocks, looking like a + gargoyle; there, in sailor suit, looking like nothing on earth. The + inspection of these was obviously deepening Mr Richards' gloom, but he + proceeded doggedly with it. + </p> + <p> + Comrade Prebble backed the reluctant Mike into a corner, and, like the + Ancient Mariner, held him with a glittering eye. Psmith and Mr Waller, in + the opposite corner, were looking at something with their heads close + together. Mike definitely abandoned all hope of a rescue from Psmith, and + tried to buoy himself up with the reflection that this could not last for + ever. + </p> + <p> + Hours seemed to pass, and then at last he heard Psmith's voice saying + good-bye to his host. + </p> + <p> + He sprang to his feet. Comrade Prebble was in the middle of a sentence, + but this was no time for polished courtesy. He felt that he must get away, + and at once. 'I fear,' Psmith was saying, 'that we must tear ourselves + away. We have greatly enjoyed our evening. You must look us up at our flat + one day, and bring Comrade Prebble. If I am not in, Comrade Jackson is + certain to be, and he will be more than delighted to hear Comrade Prebble + speak further on the subject of which he is such a master.' Comrade + Prebble was understood to say that he would certainly come. Mr Waller + beamed. Mr Richards, still steeped in gloom, shook hands in silence. + </p> + <p> + Out in the road, with the front door shut behind them, Mike spoke his + mind. + </p> + <p> + 'Look here, Smith,' he said definitely, 'if being your confidential + secretary and adviser is going to let me in for any more of that sort of + thing, you can jolly well accept my resignation.' + </p> + <p> + 'The orgy was not to your taste?' said Psmith sympathetically. + </p> + <p> + Mike laughed. One of those short, hollow, bitter laughs. + </p> + <p> + 'I am at a loss, Comrade Jackson,' said Psmith, 'to understand your + attitude. You fed sumptuously. You had fun with the crockery—that + knockabout act of yours with the water-jug was alone worth the money—and + you had the advantage of listening to the views of a master of his + subject. What more do you want?' + </p> + <p> + 'What on earth did you land me with that man Prebble for?' + </p> + <p> + 'Land you! Why, you courted his society. I had practically to drag you + away from him. When I got up to say good-bye, you were listening to him + with bulging eyes. I never saw such a picture of rapt attention. Do you + mean to tell me, Comrade Jackson, that your appearance belied you, that + you were not interested? Well, well. How we misread our fellow creatures.' + </p> + <p> + 'I think you might have come and lent a hand with Prebble. It was a bit + thick.' + </p> + <p> + 'I was too absorbed with Comrade Waller. We were talking of things of + vital moment. However, the night is yet young. We will take this cab, wend + our way to the West, seek a cafe, and cheer ourselves with light + refreshments.' + </p> + <p> + Arrived at a cafe whose window appeared to be a sort of museum of every + kind of German sausage, they took possession of a vacant table and ordered + coffee. Mike soon found himself soothed by his bright surroundings, and + gradually his impressions of blancmange, Edward, and Comrade Prebble faded + from his mind. Psmith, meanwhile, was preserving an unusual silence, being + deep in a large square book of the sort in which Press cuttings are + pasted. As Psmith scanned its contents a curious smile lit up his face. + His reflections seemed to be of an agreeable nature. + </p> + <p> + 'Hullo,' said Mike, 'what have you got hold of there? Where did you get + that?' + </p> + <p> + 'Comrade Waller very kindly lent it to me. He showed it to me after + supper, knowing how enthusiastically I was attached to the Cause. Had you + been less tensely wrapped up in Comrade Prebble's conversation, I would + have desired you to step across and join us. However, you now have your + opportunity.' + </p> + <p> + 'But what is it?' asked Mike. + </p> + <p> + 'It is the record of the meetings of the Tulse Hill Parliament,' said + Psmith impressively. 'A faithful record of all they said, all the votes of + confidence they passed in the Government, and also all the nasty knocks + they gave it from time to time.' + </p> + <p> + 'What on earth's the Tulse Hill Parliament?' + </p> + <p> + 'It is, alas,' said Psmith in a grave, sad voice, 'no more. In life it was + beautiful, but now it has done the Tom Bowling act. It has gone aloft. We + are dealing, Comrade Jackson, not with the live, vivid present, but with + the far-off, rusty past. And yet, in a way, there is a touch of the live, + vivid present mixed up in it.' + </p> + <p> + 'I don't know what the dickens you're talking about,' said Mike. 'Let's + have a look, anyway.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith handed him the volume, and, leaning back, sipped his coffee, and + watched him. At first Mike's face was bored and blank, but suddenly an + interested look came into it. + </p> + <p> + 'Aha!' said Psmith. + </p> + <p> + 'Who's Bickersdyke? Anything to do with our Bickersdyke?' + </p> + <p> + 'No other than our genial friend himself.' + </p> + <p> + Mike turned the pages, reading a line or two on each. + </p> + <p> + 'Hullo!' he said, chuckling. 'He lets himself go a bit, doesn't he!' + </p> + <p> + 'He does,' acknowledged Psmith. 'A fiery, passionate nature, that of + Comrade Bickersdyke.' + </p> + <p> + 'He's simply cursing the Government here. Giving them frightful beans.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith nodded. + </p> + <p> + 'I noticed the fact myself.' + </p> + <p> + 'But what's it all about?' + </p> + <p> + 'As far as I can glean from Comrade Waller,' said Psmith, 'about twenty + years ago, when he and Comrade Bickersdyke worked hand-in-hand as fellow + clerks at the New Asiatic, they were both members of the Tulse Hill + Parliament, that powerful institution. At that time Comrade Bickersdyke + was as fruity a Socialist as Comrade Waller is now. Only, apparently, as + he began to get on a bit in the world, he altered his views to some extent + as regards the iniquity of freezing on to a decent share of the doubloons. + And that, you see, is where the dim and rusty past begins to get mixed up + with the live, vivid present. If any tactless person were to publish those + very able speeches made by Comrade Bickersdyke when a bulwark of the Tulse + Hill Parliament, our revered chief would be more or less caught bending, + if I may employ the expression, as regards his chances of getting in as + Unionist candidate at Kenningford. You follow me, Watson? I rather fancy + the light-hearted electors of Kenningford, from what I have seen of their + rather acute sense of humour, would be, as it were, all over it. It would + be very, very trying for Comrade Bickersdyke if these speeches of his were + to get about.' + </p> + <p> + 'You aren't going to—!' + </p> + <p> + 'I shall do nothing rashly. I shall merely place this handsome volume + among my treasured books. I shall add it to my "Books that have helped me" + series. Because I fancy that, in an emergency, it may not be at all a bad + thing to have about me. And now,' he concluded, 'as the hour is getting + late, perhaps we had better be shoving off for home.' + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0019" id="link2H_4_0019"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + 19. The Illness of Edward + </h2> + <p> + Life in a bank is at its pleasantest in the winter. When all the world + outside is dark and damp and cold, the light and warmth of the place are + comforting. There is a pleasant air of solidity about the interior of a + bank. The green shaded lamps look cosy. And, the outside world offering so + few attractions, the worker, perched on his stool, feels that he is not so + badly off after all. It is when the days are long and the sun beats hot on + the pavement, and everything shouts to him how splendid it is out in the + country, that he begins to grow restless. + </p> + <p> + Mike, except for a fortnight at the beginning of his career in the New + Asiatic Bank, had not had to stand the test of sunshine. At present, the + weather being cold and dismal, he was almost entirely contented. Now that + he had got into the swing of his work, the days passed very quickly; and + with his life after office-hours he had no fault to find at all. + </p> + <p> + His life was very regular. He would arrive in the morning just in time to + sign his name in the attendance-book before it was removed to the + accountant's room. That was at ten o'clock. From ten to eleven he would + potter. There was nothing going on at that time in his department, and Mr + Waller seemed to take it for granted that he should stroll off to the + Postage Department and talk to Psmith, who had generally some fresh + grievance against the ring-wearing Bristow to air. From eleven to half + past twelve he would put in a little gentle work. Lunch, unless there was + a rush of business or Mr Waller happened to suffer from a spasm of + conscientiousness, could be spun out from half past twelve to two. More + work from two till half past three. From half past three till half past + four tea in the tearoom, with a novel. And from half past four till five + either a little more work or more pottering, according to whether there + was any work to do or not. It was by no means an unpleasant mode of + spending a late January day. + </p> + <p> + Then there was no doubt that it was an interesting little community, that + of the New Asiatic Bank. The curiously amateurish nature of the + institution lent a certain air of light-heartedness to the place. It was + not like one of those banks whose London office is their main office, + where stern business is everything and a man becomes a mere machine for + getting through a certain amount of routine work. The employees of the New + Asiatic Bank, having plenty of time on their hands, were able to retain + their individuality. They had leisure to think of other things besides + their work. Indeed, they had so much leisure that it is a wonder they + thought of their work at all. + </p> + <p> + The place was full of quaint characters. There was West, who had been + requested to leave Haileybury owing to his habit of borrowing horses and + attending meets in the neighbourhood, the same being always out of bounds + and necessitating a complete disregard of the rules respecting evening + chapel and lock-up. He was a small, dried-up youth, with black hair + plastered down on his head. He went about his duties in a costume which + suggested the sportsman of the comic papers. + </p> + <p> + There was also Hignett, who added to the meagre salary allowed him by the + bank by singing comic songs at the minor music halls. He confided to Mike + his intention of leaving the bank as soon as he had made a name, and + taking seriously to the business. He told him that he had knocked them at + the Bedford the week before, and in support of the statement showed him a + cutting from the Era, in which the writer said that 'Other acceptable + turns were the Bounding Zouaves, Steingruber's Dogs, and Arthur Hignett.' + Mike wished him luck. + </p> + <p> + And there was Raymond who dabbled in journalism and was the author of + 'Straight Talks to Housewives' in <i>Trifles</i>, under the pseudonym of + 'Lady Gussie'; Wragge, who believed that the earth was flat, and addressed + meetings on the subject in Hyde Park on Sundays; and many others, all + interesting to talk to of a morning when work was slack and time had to be + filled in. + </p> + <p> + Mike found himself, by degrees, growing quite attached to the New Asiatic + Bank. + </p> + <p> + One morning, early in February, he noticed a curious change in Mr Waller. + The head of the Cash Department was, as a rule, mildly cheerful on + arrival, and apt (excessively, Mike thought, though he always listened + with polite interest) to relate the most recent sayings and doings of his + snub-nosed son, Edward. No action of this young prodigy was withheld from + Mike. He had heard, on different occasions, how he had won a prize at his + school for General Information (which Mike could well believe); how he had + trapped young Mr Richards, now happily reconciled to Ada, with an + ingenious verbal catch; and how he had made a sequence of diverting puns + on the name of the new curate, during the course of that cleric's first + Sunday afternoon visit. + </p> + <p> + On this particular day, however, the cashier was silent and absent-minded. + He answered Mike's good-morning mechanically, and sitting down at his + desk, stared blankly across the building. There was a curiously grey, + tired look on his face. + </p> + <p> + Mike could not make it out. He did not like to ask if there was anything + the matter. Mr Waller's face had the unreasonable effect on him of making + him feel shy and awkward. Anything in the nature of sorrow always dried + Mike up and robbed him of the power of speech. Being naturally + sympathetic, he had raged inwardly in many a crisis at this devil of dumb + awkwardness which possessed him and prevented him from putting his + sympathy into words. He had always envied the cooing readiness of the hero + on the stage when anyone was in trouble. He wondered whether he would ever + acquire that knack of pouring out a limpid stream of soothing words on + such occasions. At present he could get no farther than a scowl and an + almost offensive gruffness. + </p> + <p> + The happy thought struck him of consulting Psmith. It was his hour for + pottering, so he pottered round to the Postage Department, where he found + the old Etonian eyeing with disfavour a new satin tie which Bristow was + wearing that morning for the first time. + </p> + <p> + 'I say, Smith,' he said, 'I want to speak to you for a second.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith rose. Mike led the way to a quiet corner of the Telegrams + Department. + </p> + <p> + 'I tell you, Comrade Jackson,' said Psmith, 'I am hard pressed. The fight + is beginning to be too much for me. After a grim struggle, after days of + unremitting toil, I succeeded yesterday in inducing the man Bristow to + abandon that rainbow waistcoat of his. Today I enter the building, blythe + and buoyant, worn, of course, from the long struggle, but seeing with + aching eyes the dawn of another, better era, and there is Comrade Bristow + in a satin tie. It's hard, Comrade Jackson, it's hard, I tell you.' + </p> + <p> + 'Look here, Smith,' said Mike, 'I wish you'd go round to the Cash and find + out what's up with old Waller. He's got the hump about something. He's + sitting there looking absolutely fed up with things. I hope there's + nothing up. He's not a bad sort. It would be rot if anything rotten's + happened.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith began to display a gentle interest. + </p> + <p> + 'So other people have troubles as well as myself,' he murmured musingly. + 'I had almost forgotten that. Comrade Waller's misfortunes cannot but be + trivial compared with mine, but possibly it will be as well to ascertain + their nature. I will reel round and make inquiries.' + </p> + <p> + 'Good man,' said Mike. 'I'll wait here.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith departed, and returned, ten minutes later, looking more serious + than when he had left. + </p> + <p> + 'His kid's ill, poor chap,' he said briefly. 'Pretty badly too, from what + I can gather. Pneumonia. Waller was up all night. He oughtn't to be here + at all today. He doesn't know what he's doing half the time. He's + absolutely fagged out. Look here, you'd better nip back and do as much of + the work as you can. I shouldn't talk to him much if I were you. Buck + along.' + </p> + <p> + Mike went. Mr Waller was still sitting staring out across the aisle. There + was something more than a little gruesome in the sight of him. He wore a + crushed, beaten look, as if all the life and fight had gone out of him. A + customer came to the desk to cash a cheque. The cashier shovelled the + money to him under the bars with the air of one whose mind is elsewhere. + Mike could guess what he was feeling, and what he was thinking about. The + fact that the snub-nosed Edward was, without exception, the most repulsive + small boy he had ever met in this world, where repulsive small boys crowd + and jostle one another, did not interfere with his appreciation of the + cashier's state of mind. Mike's was essentially a sympathetic character. + He had the gift of intuitive understanding, where people of whom he was + fond were concerned. It was this which drew to him those who had + intelligence enough to see beyond his sometimes rather forbidding manner, + and to realize that his blunt speech was largely due to shyness. In spite + of his prejudice against Edward, he could put himself into Mr Waller's + place, and see the thing from his point of view. + </p> + <p> + Psmith's injunction to him not to talk much was unnecessary. Mike, as + always, was rendered utterly dumb by the sight of suffering. He sat at his + desk, occupying himself as best he could with the driblets of work which + came to him. + </p> + <p> + Mr Waller's silence and absentness continued unchanged. The habit of years + had made his work mechanical. Probably few of the customers who came to + cash cheques suspected that there was anything the matter with the man who + paid them their money. After all, most people look on the cashier of a + bank as a sort of human slot-machine. You put in your cheque, and out + comes money. It is no affair of yours whether life is treating the machine + well or ill that day. + </p> + <p> + The hours dragged slowly by till five o'clock struck, and the cashier, + putting on his coat and hat, passed silently out through the swing doors. + He walked listlessly. He was evidently tired out. + </p> + <p> + Mike shut his ledger with a vicious bang, and went across to find Psmith. + He was glad the day was over. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0020" id="link2H_4_0020"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + 20. Concerning a Cheque + </h2> + <p> + Things never happen quite as one expects them to. Mike came to the office + next morning prepared for a repetition of the previous day. He was amazed + to find the cashier not merely cheerful, but even exuberantly cheerful. + Edward, it appeared, had rallied in the afternoon, and, when his father + had got home, had been out of danger. He was now going along excellently, + and had stumped Ada, who was nursing him, with a question about the Thirty + Years' War, only a few minutes before his father had left to catch his + train. The cashier was overflowing with happiness and goodwill towards his + species. He greeted customers with bright remarks on the weather, and + snappy views on the leading events of the day: the former tinged with + optimism, the latter full of a gentle spirit of toleration. His attitude + towards the latest actions of His Majesty's Government was that of one who + felt that, after all, there was probably some good even in the vilest of + his fellow creatures, if one could only find it. + </p> + <p> + Altogether, the cloud had lifted from the Cash Department. All was joy, + jollity, and song. + </p> + <p> + 'The attitude of Comrade Waller,' said Psmith, on being informed of the + change, 'is reassuring. I may now think of my own troubles. Comrade + Bristow has blown into the office today in patent leather boots with white + kid uppers, as I believe the technical term is. Add to that the fact that + he is still wearing the satin tie, the waistcoat, and the ring, and you + will understand why I have definitely decided this morning to abandon all + hope of his reform. Henceforth my services, for what they are worth, are + at the disposal of Comrade Bickersdyke. My time from now onward is his. He + shall have the full educative value of my exclusive attention. I give + Comrade Bristow up. Made straight for the corner flag, you understand,' he + added, as Mr Rossiter emerged from his lair, 'and centred, and Sandy + Turnbull headed a beautiful goal. I was just telling Jackson about the + match against Blackburn Rovers,' he said to Mr Rossiter. + </p> + <p> + 'Just so, just so. But get on with your work, Smith. We are a little + behind-hand. I think perhaps it would be as well not to leave it just + yet.' + </p> + <p> + 'I will leap at it at once,' said Psmith cordially. + </p> + <p> + Mike went back to his department. + </p> + <p> + The day passed quickly. Mr Waller, in the intervals of work, talked a good + deal, mostly of Edward, his doings, his sayings, and his prospects. The + only thing that seemed to worry Mr Waller was the problem of how to employ + his son's almost superhuman talents to the best advantage. Most of the + goals towards which the average man strives struck him as too unambitious + for the prodigy. + </p> + <p> + By the end of the day Mike had had enough of Edward. He never wished to + hear the name again. + </p> + <p> + We do not claim originality for the statement that things never happen + quite as one expects them to. We repeat it now because of its profound + truth. The Edward's pneumonia episode having ended satisfactorily (or, + rather, being apparently certain to end satisfactorily, for the invalid, + though out of danger, was still in bed), Mike looked forward to a series + of days unbroken by any but the minor troubles of life. For these he was + prepared. What he did not expect was any big calamity. + </p> + <p> + At the beginning of the day there were no signs of it. The sky was blue + and free from all suggestions of approaching thunderbolts. Mr Waller, + still chirpy, had nothing but good news of Edward. Mike went for his + morning stroll round the office feeling that things had settled down and + had made up their mind to run smoothly. + </p> + <p> + When he got back, barely half an hour later, the storm had burst. + </p> + <p> + There was no one in the department at the moment of his arrival; but a few + minutes later he saw Mr Waller come out of the manager's room, and make + his way down the aisle. + </p> + <p> + It was his walk which first gave any hint that something was wrong. It was + the same limp, crushed walk which Mike had seen when Edward's safety still + hung in the balance. + </p> + <p> + As Mr Waller came nearer, Mike saw that the cashier's face was deadly + pale. + </p> + <p> + Mr Waller caught sight of him and quickened his pace. + </p> + <p> + 'Jackson,' he said. + </p> + <p> + Mike came forward. + </p> + <p> + 'Do you—remember—' he spoke slowly, and with an effort, 'do + you remember a cheque coming through the day before yesterday for a + hundred pounds, with Sir John Morrison's signature?' + </p> + <p> + 'Yes. It came in the morning, rather late.' + </p> + <p> + Mike remembered the cheque perfectly well, owing to the amount. It was the + only three-figure cheque which had come across the counter during the day. + It had been presented just before the cashier had gone out to lunch. He + recollected the man who had presented it, a tallish man with a beard. He + had noticed him particularly because of the contrast between his manner + and that of the cashier. The former had been so very cheery and breezy, + the latter so dazed and silent. + </p> + <p> + 'Why,' he said. + </p> + <p> + 'It was a forgery,' muttered Mr Waller, sitting down heavily. + </p> + <p> + Mike could not take it in all at once. He was stunned. All he could + understand was that a far worse thing had happened than anything he could + have imagined. + </p> + <p> + 'A forgery?' he said. + </p> + <p> + 'A forgery. And a clumsy one. Oh it's hard. I should have seen it on any + other day but that. I could not have missed it. They showed me the cheque + in there just now. I could not believe that I had passed it. I don't + remember doing it. My mind was far away. I don't remember the cheque or + anything about it. Yet there it is.' + </p> + <p> + Once more Mike was tongue-tied. For the life of him he could not think of + anything to say. Surely, he thought, he could find <i>something</i> in the + shape of words to show his sympathy. But he could find nothing that would + not sound horribly stilted and cold. He sat silent. + </p> + <p> + 'Sir John is in there,' went on the cashier. 'He is furious. Mr + Bickersdyke, too. They are both furious. I shall be dismissed. I shall + lose my place. I shall be dismissed.' He was talking more to himself than + to Mike. It was dreadful to see him sitting there, all limp and broken. + </p> + <p> + 'I shall lose my place. Mr Bickersdyke has wanted to get rid of me for a + long time. He never liked me. I shall be dismissed. What can I do? I'm an + old man. I can't make another start. I am good for nothing. Nobody will + take an old man like me.' + </p> + <p> + His voice died away. There was a silence. Mike sat staring miserably in + front of him. + </p> + <p> + Then, quite suddenly, an idea came to him. The whole pressure of the + atmosphere seemed to lift. He saw a way out. It was a curious crooked way, + but at that moment it stretched clear and broad before him. He felt + lighthearted and excited, as if he were watching the development of some + interesting play at the theatre. + </p> + <p> + He got up, smiling. + </p> + <p> + The cashier did not notice the movement. Somebody had come in to cash a + cheque, and he was working mechanically. + </p> + <p> + Mike walked up the aisle to Mr Bickersdyke's room, and went in. + </p> + <p> + The manager was in his chair at the big table. Opposite him, facing + slightly sideways, was a small, round, very red-faced man. Mr Bickersdyke + was speaking as Mike entered. + </p> + <p> + 'I can assure you, Sir John—' he was saying. + </p> + <p> + He looked up as the door opened. + </p> + <p> + 'Well, Mr Jackson?' + </p> + <p> + Mike almost laughed. The situation was tickling him. + </p> + <p> + 'Mr Waller has told me—' he began. + </p> + <p> + 'I have already seen Mr Waller.' + </p> + <p> + 'I know. He told me about the cheque. I came to explain.' + </p> + <p> + 'Explain?' + </p> + <p> + 'Yes. He didn't cash it at all.' + </p> + <p> + 'I don't understand you, Mr Jackson.' + </p> + <p> + 'I was at the counter when it was brought in,' said Mike. 'I cashed it.' + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0021" id="link2H_4_0021"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + 21. Psmith Makes Inquiries + </h2> + <p> + Psmith, as was his habit of a morning when the fierce rush of his + commercial duties had abated somewhat, was leaning gracefully against his + desk, musing on many things, when he was aware that Bristow was standing + before him. + </p> + <p> + Focusing his attention with some reluctance upon this blot on the horizon, + he discovered that the exploiter of rainbow waistcoats and satin ties was + addressing him. + </p> + <p> + 'I say, Smithy,' said Bristow. He spoke in rather an awed voice. + </p> + <p> + 'Say on, Comrade Bristow,' said Psmith graciously. 'You have our ear. You + would seem to have something on your chest in addition to that Neapolitan + ice garment which, I regret to see, you still flaunt. If it is one tithe + as painful as that, you have my sympathy. Jerk it out, Comrade Bristow.' + </p> + <p> + 'Jackson isn't half copping it from old Bick.' + </p> + <p> + 'Isn't—? What exactly did you say?' + </p> + <p> + 'He's getting it hot on the carpet.' + </p> + <p> + 'You wish to indicate,' said Psmith, 'that there is some slight + disturbance, some passing breeze between Comrades Jackson and + Bickersdyke?' + </p> + <p> + Bristow chuckled. + </p> + <p> + 'Breeze! Blooming hurricane, more like it. I was in Bick's room just now + with a letter to sign, and I tell you, the fur was flying all over the + bally shop. There was old Bick cursing for all he was worth, and a little + red-faced buffer puffing out his cheeks in an armchair.' + </p> + <p> + 'We all have our hobbies,' said Psmith. + </p> + <p> + 'Jackson wasn't saying much. He jolly well hadn't a chance. Old Bick was + shooting it out fourteen to the dozen.' + </p> + <p> + 'I have been privileged,' said Psmith, 'to hear Comrade Bickersdyke speak + both in his sanctum and in public. He has, as you suggest, a ready flow of + speech. What, exactly was the cause of the turmoil?' + </p> + <p> + 'I couldn't wait to hear. I was too jolly glad to get away. Old Bick + looked at me as if he could eat me, snatched the letter out of my hand, + signed it, and waved his hand at the door as a hint to hop it. Which I + jolly well did. He had started jawing Jackson again before I was out of + the room.' + </p> + <p> + 'While applauding his hustle,' said Psmith, 'I fear that I must take + official notice of this. Comrade Jackson is essentially a Sensitive Plant, + highly strung, neurotic. I cannot have his nervous system jolted and + disorganized in this manner, and his value as a confidential secretary and + adviser impaired, even though it be only temporarily. I must look into + this. I will go and see if the orgy is concluded. I will hear what Comrade + Jackson has to say on the matter. I shall not act rashly, Comrade Bristow. + If the man Bickersdyke is proved to have had good grounds for his + outbreak, he shall escape uncensured. I may even look in on him and throw + him a word of praise. But if I find, as I suspect, that he has wronged + Comrade Jackson, I shall be forced to speak sharply to him.' + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + Mike had left the scene of battle by the time Psmith reached the Cash + Department, and was sitting at his desk in a somewhat dazed condition, + trying to clear his mind sufficiently to enable him to see exactly how + matters stood as concerned himself. He felt confused and rattled. He had + known, when he went to the manager's room to make his statement, that + there would be trouble. But, then, trouble is such an elastic word. It + embraces a hundred degrees of meaning. Mike had expected sentence of + dismissal, and he had got it. So far he had nothing to complain of. But he + had not expected it to come to him riding high on the crest of a great, + frothing wave of verbal denunciation. Mr Bickersdyke, through constantly + speaking in public, had developed the habit of fluent denunciation to a + remarkable extent. He had thundered at Mike as if Mike had been his + Majesty's Government or the Encroaching Alien, or something of that sort. + And that kind of thing is a little overwhelming at short range. Mike's + head was still spinning. + </p> + <p> + It continued to spin; but he never lost sight of the fact round which it + revolved, namely, that he had been dismissed from the service of the bank. + And for the first time he began to wonder what they would say about this + at home. + </p> + <p> + Up till now the matter had seemed entirely a personal one. He had charged + in to rescue the harassed cashier in precisely the same way as that in + which he had dashed in to save him from Bill, the Stone-Flinging Scourge + of Clapham Common. Mike's was one of those direct, honest minds which are + apt to concentrate themselves on the crisis of the moment, and to leave + the consequences out of the question entirely. + </p> + <p> + What would they say at home? That was the point. + </p> + <p> + Again, what could he do by way of earning a living? He did not know much + about the City and its ways, but he knew enough to understand that summary + dismissal from a bank is not the best recommendation one can put forward + in applying for another job. And if he did not get another job in the + City, what could he do? If it were only summer, he might get taken on + somewhere as a cricket professional. Cricket was his line. He could earn + his pay at that. But it was very far from being summer. + </p> + <p> + He had turned the problem over in his mind till his head ached, and had + eaten in the process one-third of a wooden penholder, when Psmith arrived. + </p> + <p> + 'It has reached me,' said Psmith, 'that you and Comrade Bickersdyke have + been seen doing the Hackenschmidt-Gotch act on the floor. When my + informant left, he tells me, Comrade B. had got a half-Nelson on you, and + was biting pieces out of your ear. Is this so?' + </p> + <p> + Mike got up. Psmith was the man, he felt, to advise him in this crisis. + Psmith's was the mind to grapple with his Hard Case. + </p> + <p> + 'Look here, Smith,' he said, 'I want to speak to you. I'm in a bit of a + hole, and perhaps you can tell me what to do. Let's go out and have a cup + of coffee, shall we? I can't tell you about it here.' + </p> + <p> + 'An admirable suggestion,' said Psmith. 'Things in the Postage Department + are tolerably quiescent at present. Naturally I shall be missed, if I go + out. But my absence will not spell irretrievable ruin, as it would at a + period of greater commercial activity. Comrades Rossiter and Bristow have + studied my methods. They know how I like things to be done. They are fully + competent to conduct the business of the department in my absence. Let us, + as you say, scud forth. We will go to a Mecca. Why so-called I do not + know, nor, indeed, do I ever hope to know. There we may obtain, at a + price, a passable cup of coffee, and you shall tell me your painful + story.' + </p> + <p> + The Mecca, except for the curious aroma which pervades all Meccas, was + deserted. Psmith, moving a box of dominoes on to the next table, sat down. + </p> + <p> + 'Dominoes,' he said, 'is one of the few manly sports which have never had + great attractions for me. A cousin of mine, who secured his chess blue at + Oxford, would, they tell me, have represented his University in the + dominoes match also, had he not unfortunately dislocated the radius bone + of his bazooka while training for it. Except for him, there has been + little dominoes talent in the Psmith family. Let us merely talk. What of + this slight brass-rag-parting to which I alluded just now? Tell me all.' + </p> + <p> + He listened gravely while Mike related the incidents which had led up to + his confession and the results of the same. At the conclusion of the + narrative he sipped his coffee in silence for a moment. + </p> + <p> + 'This habit of taking on to your shoulders the harvest of other people's + bloomers,' he said meditatively, 'is growing upon you, Comrade Jackson. + You must check it. It is like dram-drinking. You begin in a small way by + breaking school rules to extract Comrade Jellicoe (perhaps the supremest + of all the blitherers I have ever met) from a hole. If you had stopped + there, all might have been well. But the thing, once started, fascinated + you. Now you have landed yourself with a splash in the very centre of the + Oxo in order to do a good turn to Comrade Waller. You must drop it, + Comrade Jackson. When you were free and without ties, it did not so much + matter. But now that you are confidential secretary and adviser to a + Shropshire Psmith, the thing must stop. Your secretarial duties must be + paramount. Nothing must be allowed to interfere with them. Yes. The thing + must stop before it goes too far.' + </p> + <p> + 'It seems to me,' said Mike, 'that it has gone too far. I've got the sack. + I don't know how much farther you want it to go.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith stirred his coffee before replying. + </p> + <p> + 'True,' he said, 'things look perhaps a shade rocky just now, but all is + not yet lost. You must recollect that Comrade Bickersdyke spoke in the + heat of the moment. That generous temperament was stirred to its depths. + He did not pick his words. But calm will succeed storm, and we may be able + to do something yet. I have some little influence with Comrade + Bickersdyke. Wrongly, perhaps,' added Psmith modestly, 'he thinks somewhat + highly of my judgement. If he sees that I am opposed to this step, he may + possibly reconsider it. What Psmith thinks today, is his motto, I shall + think tomorrow. However, we shall see.' + </p> + <p> + 'I bet we shall!' said Mike ruefully. + </p> + <p> + 'There is, moreover,' continued Psmith, 'another aspect to the affair. + When you were being put through it, in Comrade Bickersdyke's inimitably + breezy manner, Sir John What's-his-name was, I am given to understand, + present. Naturally, to pacify the aggrieved bart., Comrade B. had to lay + it on regardless of expense. In America, as possibly you are aware, there + is a regular post of mistake-clerk, whose duty it is to receive in the + neck anything that happens to be coming along when customers make + complaints. He is hauled into the presence of the foaming customer, + cursed, and sacked. The customer goes away appeased. The mistake-clerk, if + the harangue has been unusually energetic, applies for a rise of salary. + Now, possibly, in your case—' + </p> + <p> + 'In my case,' interrupted Mike, 'there was none of that rot. Bickersdyke + wasn't putting it on. He meant every word. Why, dash it all, you know + yourself he'd be only too glad to sack me, just to get some of his own + back with me.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith's eyes opened in pained surprise. + </p> + <p> + 'Get some of his own back!' he repeated. + </p> + <p> + 'Are you insinuating, Comrade Jackson, that my relations with Comrade + Bickersdyke are not of the most pleasant and agreeable nature possible? + How do these ideas get about? I yield to nobody in my respect for our + manager. I may have had occasion from time to time to correct him in some + trifling matter, but surely he is not the man to let such a thing rankle? + No! I prefer to think that Comrade Bickersdyke regards me as his friend + and well-wisher, and will lend a courteous ear to any proposal I see fit + to make. I hope shortly to be able to prove this to you. I will discuss + this little affair of the cheque with him at our ease at the club, and I + shall be surprised if we do not come to some arrangement.' + </p> + <p> + 'Look here, Smith,' said Mike earnestly, 'for goodness' sake don't go + playing the goat. There's no earthly need for you to get lugged into this + business. Don't you worry about me. I shall be all right.' + </p> + <p> + 'I think,' said Psmith, 'that you will—when I have chatted with + Comrade Bickersdyke.' + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0022" id="link2H_4_0022"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + 22. And Take Steps + </h2> + <p> + On returning to the bank, Mike found Mr Waller in the grip of a peculiarly + varied set of mixed feelings. Shortly after Mike's departure for the + Mecca, the cashier had been summoned once more into the Presence, and had + there been informed that, as apparently he had not been directly + responsible for the gross piece of carelessness by which the bank had + suffered so considerable a loss (here Sir John puffed out his cheeks like + a meditative toad), the matter, as far as he was concerned, was at an end. + On the other hand—! Here Mr Waller was hauled over the coals for + Incredible Rashness in allowing a mere junior subordinate to handle + important tasks like the paying out of money, and so on, till he felt raw + all over. However, it was not dismissal. That was the great thing. And his + principal sensation was one of relief. + </p> + <p> + Mingled with the relief were sympathy for Mike, gratitude to him for + having given himself up so promptly, and a curiously dazed sensation, as + if somebody had been hitting him on the head with a bolster. + </p> + <p> + All of which emotions, taken simultaneously, had the effect of rendering + him completely dumb when he saw Mike. He felt that he did not know what to + say to him. And as Mike, for his part, simply wanted to be let alone, and + not compelled to talk, conversation was at something of a standstill in + the Cash Department. + </p> + <p> + After five minutes, it occurred to Mr Waller that perhaps the best plan + would be to interview Psmith. Psmith would know exactly how matters stood. + He could not ask Mike point-blank whether he had been dismissed. But there + was the probability that Psmith had been informed and would pass on the + information. + </p> + <p> + Psmith received the cashier with a dignified kindliness. + </p> + <p> + 'Oh, er, Smith,' said Mr Waller, 'I wanted just to ask you about Jackson.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith bowed his head gravely. + </p> + <p> + 'Exactly,' he said. 'Comrade Jackson. I think I may say that you have come + to the right man. Comrade Jackson has placed himself in my hands, and I am + dealing with his case. A somewhat tricky business, but I shall see him + through.' + </p> + <p> + 'Has he—?' Mr Waller hesitated. + </p> + <p> + 'You were saying?' said Psmith. + </p> + <p> + 'Does Mr Bickersdyke intend to dismiss him?' + </p> + <p> + 'At present,' admitted Psmith, 'there is some idea of that description + floating—nebulously, as it were—in Comrade Bickersdyke's mind. + Indeed, from what I gather from my client, the push was actually + administered, in so many words. But tush! And possibly bah! we know what + happens on these occasions, do we not? You and I are students of human + nature, and we know that a man of Comrade Bickersdyke's warm-hearted type + is apt to say in the heat of the moment a great deal more than he really + means. Men of his impulsive character cannot help expressing themselves in + times of stress with a certain generous strength which those who do not + understand them are inclined to take a little too seriously. I shall have + a chat with Comrade Bickersdyke at the conclusion of the day's work, and I + have no doubt that we shall both laugh heartily over this little episode.' + </p> + <p> + Mr Waller pulled at his beard, with an expression on his face that seemed + to suggest that he was not quite so confident on this point. He was about + to put his doubts into words when Mr Rossiter appeared, and Psmith, + murmuring something about duty, turned again to his ledger. The cashier + drifted back to his own department. + </p> + <p> + It was one of Psmith's theories of Life, which he was accustomed to + propound to Mike in the small hours of the morning with his feet on the + mantelpiece, that the secret of success lay in taking advantage of one's + occasional slices of luck, in seizing, as it were, the happy moment. When + Mike, who had had the passage to write out ten times at Wrykyn on one + occasion as an imposition, reminded him that Shakespeare had once said + something about there being a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken at + the flood, &c., Psmith had acknowledged with an easy grace that + possibly Shakespeare <i>had</i> got on to it first, and that it was but + one more proof of how often great minds thought alike. + </p> + <p> + Though waiving his claim to the copyright of the maxim, he nevertheless + had a high opinion of it, and frequently acted upon it in the conduct of + his own life. + </p> + <p> + Thus, when approaching the Senior Conservative Club at five o'clock with + the idea of finding Mr Bickersdyke there, he observed his quarry entering + the Turkish Baths which stand some twenty yards from the club's front + door, he acted on his maxim, and decided, instead of waiting for the + manager to finish his bath before approaching him on the subject of Mike, + to corner him in the Baths themselves. + </p> + <p> + He gave Mr Bickersdyke five minutes' start. Then, reckoning that by that + time he would probably have settled down, he pushed open the door and went + in himself. And, having paid his money, and left his boots with the boy at + the threshold, he was rewarded by the sight of the manager emerging from a + box at the far end of the room, clad in the mottled towels which the + bather, irrespective of his personal taste in dress, is obliged to wear in + a Turkish bath. + </p> + <p> + Psmith made for the same box. Mr Bickersdyke's clothes lay at the head of + one of the sofas, but nobody else had staked out a claim. Psmith took + possession of the sofa next to the manager's. Then, humming lightly, he + undressed, and made his way downstairs to the Hot Rooms. He rather fancied + himself in towels. There was something about them which seemed to suit his + figure. They gave him, he though, rather a <i>debonnaire</i> look. He + paused for a moment before the looking-glass to examine himself, with + approval, then pushed open the door of the Hot Rooms and went in. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0023" id="link2H_4_0023"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + 23. Mr Bickersdyke Makes a Concession + </h2> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke was reclining in an easy-chair in the first room, staring + before him in the boiled-fish manner customary in a Turkish Bath. Psmith + dropped into the next seat with a cheery 'Good evening.' The manager + started as if some firm hand had driven a bradawl into him. He looked at + Psmith with what was intended to be a dignified stare. But dignity is hard + to achieve in a couple of parti-coloured towels. The stare did not differ + to any great extent from the conventional boiled-fish look, alluded to + above. + </p> + <p> + Psmith settled himself comfortably in his chair. 'Fancy finding you here,' + he said pleasantly. 'We seem always to be meeting. To me,' he added, with + a reassuring smile, 'it is a great pleasure. A very great pleasure indeed. + We see too little of each other during office hours. Not that one must + grumble at that. Work before everything. You have your duties, I mine. It + is merely unfortunate that those duties are not such as to enable us to + toil side by side, encouraging each other with word and gesture. However, + it is idle to repine. We must make the most of these chance meetings when + the work of the day is over.' + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke heaved himself up from his chair and took another at the + opposite end of the room. Psmith joined him. + </p> + <p> + 'There's something pleasantly mysterious, to my mind,' said he chattily, + 'in a Turkish Bath. It seems to take one out of the hurry and bustle of + the everyday world. It is a quiet backwater in the rushing river of Life. + I like to sit and think in a Turkish Bath. Except, of course, when I have + a congenial companion to talk to. As now. To me—' + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke rose, and went into the next room. + </p> + <p> + 'To me,' continued Psmith, again following, and seating himself beside the + manager, 'there is, too, something eerie in these places. There is a + certain sinister air about the attendants. They glide rather than walk. + They say little. Who knows what they may be planning and plotting? That + drip-drip again. It may be merely water, but how are we to know that it is + not blood? It would be so easy to do away with a man in a Turkish Bath. + Nobody has seen him come in. Nobody can trace him if he disappears. These + are uncomfortable thoughts, Mr Bickersdyke.' + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke seemed to think them so. He rose again, and returned to the + first room. + </p> + <p> + 'I have made you restless,' said Psmith, in a voice of self-reproach, when + he had settled himself once more by the manager's side. 'I am sorry. I + will not pursue the subject. Indeed, I believe that my fears are + unnecessary. Statistics show, I understand, that large numbers of men + emerge in safety every year from Turkish Baths. There was another matter + of which I wished to speak to you. It is a somewhat delicate matter, and I + am only encouraged to mention it to you by the fact that you are so close + a friend of my father's.' + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke had picked up an early edition of an evening paper, left on + the table at his side by a previous bather, and was to all appearances + engrossed in it. Psmith, however, not discouraged, proceeded to touch upon + the matter of Mike. + </p> + <p> + 'There was,' he said, 'some little friction, I hear, in the office today + in connection with a cheque.' The evening paper hid the manager's + expressive face, but from the fact that the hands holding it tightened + their grip Psmith deduced that Mr Bickersdyke's attention was not wholly + concentrated on the City news. Moreover, his toes wriggled. And when a + man's toes wriggle, he is interested in what you are saying. + </p> + <p> + 'All these petty breezes,' continued Psmith sympathetically, 'must be very + trying to a man in your position, a man who wishes to be left alone in + order to devote his entire thought to the niceties of the higher Finance. + It is as if Napoleon, while planning out some intricate scheme of + campaign, were to be called upon in the midst of his meditations to bully + a private for not cleaning his buttons. Naturally, you were annoyed. Your + giant brain, wrenched temporarily from its proper groove, expended its + force in one tremendous reprimand of Comrade Jackson. It was as if one had + diverted some terrific electric current which should have been controlling + a vast system of machinery, and turned it on to annihilate a black-beetle. + In the present case, of course, the result is as might have been expected. + Comrade Jackson, not realizing the position of affairs, went away with the + absurd idea that all was over, that you meant all you said—briefly, + that his number was up. I assured him that he was mistaken, but no! He + persisted in declaring that all was over, that you had dismissed him from + the bank.' + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke lowered the paper and glared bulbously at the old Etonian. + </p> + <p> + 'Mr Jackson is perfectly right,' he snapped. 'Of course I dismissed him.' + </p> + <p> + 'Yes, yes,' said Psmith, 'I have no doubt that at the moment you did work + the rapid push. What I am endeavouring to point out is that Comrade + Jackson is under the impression that the edict is permanent, that he can + hope for no reprieve.' + </p> + <p> + 'Nor can he.' + </p> + <p> + 'You don't mean—' + </p> + <p> + 'I mean what I say.' + </p> + <p> + 'Ah, I quite understand,' said Psmith, as one who sees that he must make + allowances. 'The incident is too recent. The storm has not yet had time to + expend itself. You have not had leisure to think the matter over coolly. + It is hard, of course, to be cool in a Turkish Bath. Your ganglions are + still vibrating. Later, perhaps—' + </p> + <p> + 'Once and for all,' growled Mr Bickersdyke, 'the thing is ended. Mr + Jackson will leave the bank at the end of the month. We have no room for + fools in the office.' + </p> + <p> + 'You surprise me,' said Psmith. 'I should not have thought that the + standard of intelligence in the bank was extremely high. With the + exception of our two selves, I think that there are hardly any men of real + intelligence on the staff. And comrade Jackson is improving every day. + Being, as he is, under my constant supervision he is rapidly developing a + stranglehold on his duties, which—' + </p> + <p> + 'I have no wish to discuss the matter any further.' + </p> + <p> + 'No, no. Quite so, quite so. Not another word. I am dumb.' + </p> + <p> + 'There are limits you see, to the uses of impertinence, Mr Smith.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith started. + </p> + <p> + 'You are not suggesting—! You do not mean that I—!' + </p> + <p> + 'I have no more to say. I shall be glad if you will allow me to read my + paper.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith waved a damp hand. + </p> + <p> + 'I should be the last man,' he said stiffly, 'to force my conversation on + another. I was under the impression that you enjoyed these little chats as + keenly as I did. If I was wrong—' + </p> + <p> + He relapsed into a wounded silence. Mr Bickersdyke resumed his perusal of + the evening paper, and presently, laying it down, rose and made his way to + the room where muscular attendants were in waiting to perform that blend + of Jiu-Jitsu and Catch-as-catch-can which is the most valuable and at the + same time most painful part of a Turkish Bath. + </p> + <p> + It was not till he was resting on his sofa, swathed from head to foot in a + sheet and smoking a cigarette, that he realized that Psmith was sharing + his compartment. + </p> + <p> + He made the unpleasant discovery just as he had finished his first + cigarette and lighted his second. He was blowing out the match when + Psmith, accompanied by an attendant, appeared in the doorway, and + proceeded to occupy the next sofa to himself. All that feeling of dreamy + peace, which is the reward one receives for allowing oneself to be melted + like wax and kneaded like bread, left him instantly. He felt hot and + annoyed. To escape was out of the question. Once one has been + scientifically wrapped up by the attendant and placed on one's sofa, one + is a fixture. He lay scowling at the ceiling, resolved to combat all + attempt at conversation with a stony silence. + </p> + <p> + Psmith, however, did not seem to desire conversation. He lay on his sofa + motionless for a quarter of an hour, then reached out for a large book + which lay on the table, and began to read. + </p> + <p> + When he did speak, he seemed to be speaking to himself. Every now and then + he would murmur a few words, sometimes a single name. In spite of himself, + Mr Bickersdyke found himself listening. + </p> + <p> + At first the murmurs conveyed nothing to him. Then suddenly a name caught + his ear. Strowther was the name, and somehow it suggested something to + him. He could not say precisely what. It seemed to touch some chord of + memory. He knew no one of the name of Strowther. He was sure of that. And + yet it was curiously familiar. An unusual name, too. He could not help + feeling that at one time he must have known it quite well. + </p> + <p> + 'Mr Strowther,' murmured Psmith, 'said that the hon. gentleman's remarks + would have been nothing short of treason, if they had not been so + obviously the mere babblings of an irresponsible lunatic. Cries of "Order, + order," and a voice, "Sit down, fat-head!"' + </p> + <p> + For just one moment Mr Bickersdyke's memory poised motionless, like a hawk + about to swoop. Then it darted at the mark. Everything came to him in a + flash. The hands of the clock whizzed back. He was no longer Mr John + Bickersdyke, manager of the London branch of the New Asiatic Bank, lying + on a sofa in the Cumberland Street Turkish Baths. He was Jack Bickersdyke, + clerk in the employ of Messrs Norton and Biggleswade, standing on a chair + and shouting 'Order! order!' in the Masonic Room of the 'Red Lion' at + Tulse Hill, while the members of the Tulse Hill Parliament, divided into + two camps, yelled at one another, and young Tom Barlow, in his official + capacity as Mister Speaker, waved his arms dumbly, and banged the table + with his mallet in his efforts to restore calm. + </p> + <p> + He remembered the whole affair as if it had happened yesterday. It had + been a speech of his own which had called forth the above expression of + opinion from Strowther. He remembered Strowther now, a pale, spectacled + clerk in Baxter and Abrahams, an inveterate upholder of the throne, the + House of Lords and all constituted authority. Strowther had objected to + the socialistic sentiments of his speech in connection with the Budget, + and there had been a disturbance unparalleled even in the Tulse Hill + Parliament, where disturbances were frequent and loud.... + </p> + <p> + Psmith looked across at him with a bright smile. 'They report you + verbatim,' he said. 'And rightly. A more able speech I have seldom read. I + like the bit where you call the Royal Family "blood-suckers". Even then, + it seems you knew how to express yourself fluently and well.' + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke sat up. The hands of the clock had moved again, and he was + back in what Psmith had called the live, vivid present. + </p> + <p> + 'What have you got there?' he demanded. + </p> + <p> + 'It is a record,' said Psmith, 'of the meeting of an institution called + the Tulse Hill Parliament. A bright, chatty little institution, too, if + one may judge by these reports. You in particular, if I may say so, appear + to have let yourself go with refreshing vim. Your political views have + changed a great deal since those days, have they not? It is extremely + interesting. A most fascinating study for political students. When I send + these speeches of yours to the <i>Clarion</i>—' + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke bounded on his sofa. + </p> + <p> + 'What!' he cried. + </p> + <p> + 'I was saying,' said Psmith, 'that the <i>Clarion</i> will probably make a + most interesting comparison between these speeches and those you have been + making at Kenningford.' + </p> + <p> + 'I—I—I forbid you to make any mention of these speeches.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith hesitated. + </p> + <p> + 'It would be great fun seeing what the papers said,' he protested. + </p> + <p> + 'Great fun!' + </p> + <p> + 'It is true,' mused Psmith, 'that in a measure, it would dish you at the + election. From what I saw of those light-hearted lads at Kenningford the + other night, I should say they would be so amused that they would only + just have enough strength left to stagger to the poll and vote for your + opponent.' + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke broke out into a cold perspiration. + </p> + <p> + 'I forbid you to send those speeches to the papers,' he cried. + </p> + <p> + Psmith reflected. + </p> + <p> + 'You see,' he said at last, 'it is like this. The departure of Comrade + Jackson, my confidential secretary and adviser, is certain to plunge me + into a state of the deepest gloom. The only way I can see at present by + which I can ensure even a momentary lightening of the inky cloud is the + sending of these speeches to some bright paper like the <i>Clarion.</i> I + feel certain that their comments would wring, at any rate, a sad, sweet + smile from me. Possibly even a hearty laugh. I must, therefore, look on + these very able speeches of yours in something of the light of an + antidote. They will stand between me and black depression. Without them I + am in the cart. With them I may possibly buoy myself up.' + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke shifted uneasily on his sofa. He glared at the floor. Then + he eyed the ceiling as if it were a personal enemy of his. Finally he + looked at Psmith. Psmith's eyes were closed in peaceful meditation. + </p> + <p> + 'Very well,' said he at last. 'Jackson shall stop.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith came out of his thoughts with a start. 'You were observing—?' + he said. + </p> + <p> + 'I shall not dismiss Jackson,' said Mr Bickersdyke. + </p> + <p> + Psmith smiled winningly. + </p> + <p> + 'Just as I had hoped,' he said. 'Your very justifiable anger melts before + reflection. The storm subsides, and you are at leisure to examine the + matter dispassionately. Doubts begin to creep in. Possibly, you say to + yourself, I have been too hasty, too harsh. Justice must be tempered with + mercy. I have caught Comrade Jackson bending, you add (still to yourself), + but shall I press home my advantage too ruthlessly? No, you cry, I will + abstain. And I applaud your action. I like to see this spirit of gentle + toleration. It is bracing and comforting. As for these excellent + speeches,' he added, 'I shall, of course, no longer have any need of their + consolation. I can lay them aside. The sunlight can now enter and illumine + my life through more ordinary channels. The cry goes round, "Psmith is + himself again."' + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke said nothing. Unless a snort of fury may be counted as + anything. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0024" id="link2H_4_0024"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + 24. The Spirit of Unrest + </h2> + <p> + During the following fortnight, two things happened which materially + altered Mike's position in the bank. + </p> + <p> + The first was that Mr Bickersdyke was elected a member of Parliament. He + got in by a small majority amidst scenes of disorder of a nature unusual + even in Kenningford. Psmith, who went down on the polling-day to inspect + the revels and came back with his hat smashed in, reported that, as far as + he could see, the electors of Kenningford seemed to be in just that state + of happy intoxication which might make them vote for Mr Bickersdyke by + mistake. Also it had been discovered, on the eve of the poll, that the + bank manager's opponent, in his youth, had been educated at a school in + Germany, and had subsequently spent two years at Heidelberg University. + These damaging revelations were having a marked effect on the warm-hearted + patriots of Kenningford, who were now referring to the candidate in thick + but earnest tones as 'the German Spy'. + </p> + <p> + 'So that taking everything into consideration,' said Psmith, summing up, + 'I fancy that Comrade Bickersdyke is home.' + </p> + <p> + And the papers next day proved that he was right. + </p> + <p> + 'A hundred and fifty-seven,' said Psmith, as he read his paper at + breakfast. 'Not what one would call a slashing victory. It is fortunate + for Comrade Bickersdyke, I think, that I did not send those very able + speeches of his to the <i>Clarion'</i>. + </p> + <p> + Till now Mike had been completely at a loss to understand why the manager + had sent for him on the morning following the scene about the cheque, and + informed him that he had reconsidered his decision to dismiss him. Mike + could not help feeling that there was more in the matter than met the eye. + Mr Bickersdyke had not spoken as if it gave him any pleasure to reprieve + him. On the contrary, his manner was distinctly brusque. Mike was + thoroughly puzzled. To Psmith's statement, that he had talked the matter + over quietly with the manager and brought things to a satisfactory + conclusion, he had paid little attention. But now he began to see light. + </p> + <p> + 'Great Scott, Smith,' he said, 'did you tell him you'd send those speeches + to the papers if he sacked me?' + </p> + <p> + Psmith looked at him through his eye-glass, and helped himself to another + piece of toast. + </p> + <p> + 'I am unable,' he said, 'to recall at this moment the exact terms of the + very pleasant conversation I had with Comrade Bickersdyke on the occasion + of our chance meeting in the Turkish Bath that afternoon; but, thinking + things over quietly now that I have more leisure, I cannot help feeling + that he may possibly have read some such intention into my words. You know + how it is in these little chats, Comrade Jackson. One leaps to + conclusions. Some casual word I happened to drop may have given him the + idea you mention. At this distance of time it is impossible to say with + any certainty. Suffice it that all has ended well. He <i>did</i> + reconsider his resolve. I shall be only too happy if it turns out that the + seed of the alteration in his views was sown by some careless word of + mine. Perhaps we shall never know.' + </p> + <p> + Mike was beginning to mumble some awkward words of thanks, when Psmith + resumed his discourse. + </p> + <p> + 'Be that as it may, however,' he said, 'we cannot but perceive that + Comrade Bickersdyke's election has altered our position to some extent. As + you have pointed out, he may have been influenced in this recent affair by + some chance remark of mine about those speeches. Now, however, they will + cease to be of any value. Now that he is elected he has nothing to lose by + their publication. I mention this by way of indicating that it is possible + that, if another painful episode occurs, he may be more ruthless.' + </p> + <p> + 'I see what you mean,' said Mike. 'If he catches me on the hop again, + he'll simply go ahead and sack me.' + </p> + <p> + 'That,' said Psmith, 'is more or less the position of affairs.' + </p> + <p> + The other event which altered Mike's life in the bank was his removal from + Mr Waller's department to the Fixed Deposits. The work in the Fixed + Deposits was less pleasant, and Mr Gregory, the head of the department was + not of Mr Waller's type. Mr Gregory, before joining the home-staff of the + New Asiatic Bank, had spent a number of years with a firm in the Far East, + where he had acquired a liver and a habit of addressing those under him in + a way that suggested the mate of a tramp steamer. Even on the days when + his liver was not troubling him, he was truculent. And when, as usually + happened, it did trouble him, he was a perfect fountain of abuse. Mike and + he hated each other from the first. The work in the Fixed Deposits was not + really difficult, when you got the hang of it, but there was a certain + amount of confusion in it to a beginner; and Mike, in commercial matters, + was as raw a beginner as ever began. In the two other departments through + which he had passed, he had done tolerably well. As regarded his work in + the Postage Department, stamping letters and taking them down to the post + office was just about his form. It was the sort of work on which he could + really get a grip. And in the Cash Department, Mr Waller's mild patience + had helped him through. But with Mr Gregory it was different. Mike hated + being shouted at. It confused him. And Mr Gregory invariably shouted. He + always spoke as if he were competing against a high wind. With Mike he + shouted more than usual. On his side, it must be admitted that Mike was + something out of the common run of bank clerks. The whole system of + banking was a horrid mystery to him. He did not understand why things were + done, or how the various departments depended on and dove-tailed into one + another. Each department seemed to him something separate and distinct. + Why they were all in the same building at all he never really gathered. He + knew that it could not be purely from motives of sociability, in order + that the clerks might have each other's company during slack spells. That + much he suspected, but beyond that he was vague. + </p> + <p> + It naturally followed that, after having grown, little by little, under Mr + Waller's easy-going rule, to enjoy life in the bank, he now suffered a + reaction. Within a day of his arrival in the Fixed Deposits he was + loathing the place as earnestly as he had loathed it on the first morning. + </p> + <p> + Psmith, who had taken his place in the Cash Department, reported that Mr + Waller was inconsolable at his loss. + </p> + <p> + 'I do my best to cheer him up,' he said, 'and he smiles bravely every now + and then. But when he thinks I am not looking, his head droops and that + wistful expression comes into his face. The sunshine has gone out of his + life.' + </p> + <p> + It had just come into Mike's, and, more than anything else, was making him + restless and discontented. That is to say, it was now late spring: the sun + shone cheerfully on the City; and cricket was in the air. And that was the + trouble. + </p> + <p> + In the dark days, when everything was fog and slush, Mike had been + contented enough to spend his mornings and afternoons in the bank, and go + about with Psmith at night. Under such conditions, London is the best + place in which to be, and the warmth and light of the bank were pleasant. + </p> + <p> + But now things had changed. The place had become a prison. With all the + energy of one who had been born and bred in the country, Mike hated having + to stay indoors on days when all the air was full of approaching summer. + There were mornings when it was almost more than he could do to push open + the swing doors, and go out of the fresh air into the stuffy atmosphere of + the bank. + </p> + <p> + The days passed slowly, and the cricket season began. Instead of being a + relief, this made matters worse. The little cricket he could get only made + him want more. It was as if a starving man had been given a handful of + wafer biscuits. + </p> + <p> + If the summer had been wet, he might have been less restless. But, as it + happened, it was unusually fine. After a week of cold weather at the + beginning of May, a hot spell set in. May passed in a blaze of sunshine. + Large scores were made all over the country. + </p> + <p> + Mike's name had been down for the M.C.C. for some years, and he had become + a member during his last season at Wrykyn. Once or twice a week he managed + to get up to Lord's for half an hour's practice at the nets; and on + Saturdays the bank had matches, in which he generally managed to knock the + cover off rather ordinary club bowling. But it was not enough for him. + </p> + <p> + June came, and with it more sunshine. The atmosphere of the bank seemed + more oppressive than ever. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0025" id="link2H_4_0025"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + 25. At the Telephone + </h2> + <p> + If one looks closely into those actions which are apparently due to sudden + impulse, one generally finds that the sudden impulse was merely the last + of a long series of events which led up to the action. Alone, it would not + have been powerful enough to effect anything. But, coming after the way + has been paved for it, it is irresistible. The hooligan who bonnets a + policeman is apparently the victim of a sudden impulse. In reality, + however, the bonneting is due to weeks of daily encounters with the + constable, at each of which meetings the dislike for his helmet and the + idea of smashing it in grow a little larger, till finally they blossom + into the deed itself. + </p> + <p> + This was what happened in Mike's case. Day by day, through the summer, as + the City grew hotter and stuffier, his hatred of the bank became more and + more the thought that occupied his mind. It only needed a moderately + strong temptation to make him break out and take the consequences. + </p> + <p> + Psmith noticed his restlessness and endeavoured to soothe it. + </p> + <p> + 'All is not well,' he said, 'with Comrade Jackson, the Sunshine of the + Home. I note a certain wanness of the cheek. The peach-bloom of your + complexion is no longer up to sample. Your eye is wild; your merry laugh + no longer rings through the bank, causing nervous customers to leap into + the air with startled exclamations. You have the manner of one whose only + friend on earth is a yellow dog, and who has lost the dog. Why is this, + Comrade Jackson?' + </p> + <p> + They were talking in the flat at Clement's Inn. The night was hot. Through + the open windows the roar of the Strand sounded faintly. Mike walked to + the window and looked out. + </p> + <p> + 'I'm sick of all this rot,' he said shortly. + </p> + <p> + Psmith shot an inquiring glance at him, but said nothing. This + restlessness of Mike's was causing him a good deal of inconvenience, which + he bore in patient silence, hoping for better times. With Mike obviously + discontented and out of tune with all the world, there was but little + amusement to be extracted from the evenings now. Mike did his best to be + cheerful, but he could not shake off the caged feeling which made him + restless. + </p> + <p> + 'What rot it all is!' went on Mike, sitting down again. 'What's the good + of it all? You go and sweat all day at a desk, day after day, for about + twopence a year. And when you're about eighty-five, you retire. It isn't + living at all. It's simply being a bally vegetable.' + </p> + <p> + 'You aren't hankering, by any chance, to be a pirate of the Spanish main, + or anything like that, are you?' inquired Psmith. + </p> + <p> + 'And all this rot about going out East,' continued Mike. 'What's the good + of going out East?' + </p> + <p> + 'I gather from casual chit-chat in the office that one becomes something + of a blood when one goes out East,' said Psmith. 'Have a dozen native + clerks under you, all looking up to you as the Last Word in magnificence, + and end by marrying the Governor's daughter.' + </p> + <p> + 'End by getting some foul sort of fever, more likely, and being booted out + as no further use to the bank.' + </p> + <p> + 'You look on the gloomy side, Comrade Jackson. I seem to see you sitting + in an armchair, fanned by devoted coolies, telling some Eastern potentate + that you can give him five minutes. I understand that being in a bank in + the Far East is one of the world's softest jobs. Millions of natives hang + on your lightest word. Enthusiastic rajahs draw you aside and press jewels + into your hand as a token of respect and esteem. When on an elephant's + back you pass, somebody beats on a booming brass gong! The Banker of + Bhong! Isn't your generous young heart stirred to any extent by the + prospect? I am given to understand—' + </p> + <p> + 'I've a jolly good mind to chuck up the whole thing and become a pro. I've + got a birth qualification for Surrey. It's about the only thing I could do + any good at.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith's manner became fatherly. + </p> + <p> + '<i>You're</i> all right,' he said. 'The hot weather has given you that + tired feeling. What you want is a change of air. We will pop down together + hand in hand this week-end to some seaside resort. You shall build sand + castles, while I lie on the beach and read the paper. In the evening we + will listen to the band, or stroll on the esplanade, not so much because + we want to, as to give the natives a treat. Possibly, if the weather + continues warm, we may even paddle. A vastly exhilarating pastime, I am + led to believe, and so strengthening for the ankles. And on Monday morning + we will return, bronzed and bursting with health, to our toil once more.' + </p> + <p> + 'I'm going to bed,' said Mike, rising. + </p> + <p> + Psmith watched him lounge from the room, and shook his head sadly. All was + not well with his confidential secretary and adviser. + </p> + <p> + The next day, which was a Thursday, found Mike no more reconciled to the + prospect of spending from ten till five in the company of Mr Gregory and + the ledgers. He was silent at breakfast, and Psmith, seeing that things + were still wrong, abstained from conversation. Mike propped the <i>Sportsman</i> + up against the hot-water jug, and read the cricket news. His county, + captained by brother Joe, had, as he had learned already from yesterday's + evening paper, beaten Sussex by five wickets at Brighton. Today they were + due to play Middlesex at Lord's. Mike thought that he would try to get off + early, and go and see some of the first day's play. + </p> + <p> + As events turned out, he got off a good deal earlier, and saw a good deal + more of the first day's play than he had anticipated. + </p> + <p> + He had just finished the preliminary stages of the morning's work, which + consisted mostly of washing his hands, changing his coat, and eating a + section of a pen-holder, when William, the messenger, approached. + </p> + <p> + 'You're wanted on the 'phone, Mr Jackson.' + </p> + <p> + The New Asiatic Bank, unlike the majority of London banks, was on the + telephone, a fact which Psmith found a great convenience when securing + seats at the theatre. Mike went to the box and took up the receiver. + </p> + <p> + 'Hullo!' he said. + </p> + <p> + 'Who's that?' said an agitated voice. 'Is that you, Mike? I'm Joe.' + </p> + <p> + 'Hullo, Joe,' said Mike. 'What's up? I'm coming to see you this evening. + I'm going to try and get off early.' + </p> + <p> + 'Look here, Mike, are you busy at the bank just now?' + </p> + <p> + 'Not at the moment. There's never anything much going on before eleven.' + </p> + <p> + 'I mean, are you busy today? Could you possibly manage to get off and play + for us against Middlesex?' + </p> + <p> + Mike nearly dropped the receiver. + </p> + <p> + 'What?' he cried. + </p> + <p> + 'There's been the dickens of a mix-up. We're one short, and you're our + only hope. We can't possibly get another man in the time. We start in half + an hour. Can you play?' + </p> + <p> + For the space of, perhaps, one minute, Mike thought. + </p> + <p> + 'Well?' said Joe's voice. + </p> + <p> + The sudden vision of Lord's ground, all green and cool in the morning + sunlight, was too much for Mike's resolution, sapped as it was by days of + restlessness. The feeling surged over him that whatever happened + afterwards, the joy of the match in perfect weather on a perfect wicket + would make it worth while. What did it matter what happened afterwards? + </p> + <p> + 'All right, Joe,' he said. 'I'll hop into a cab now, and go and get my + things.' + </p> + <p> + 'Good man,' said Joe, hugely relieved. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0026" id="link2H_4_0026"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + 26. Breaking The News + </h2> + <p> + Dashing away from the call-box, Mike nearly cannoned into Psmith, who was + making his way pensively to the telephone with the object of ringing up + the box office of the Haymarket Theatre. + </p> + <p> + 'Sorry,' said Mike. 'Hullo, Smith.' + </p> + <p> + 'Hullo indeed,' said Psmith, courteously. 'I rejoice, Comrade Jackson, to + find you going about your commercial duties like a young bomb. How is it, + people repeatedly ask me, that Comrade Jackson contrives to catch his + employer's eye and win the friendly smile from the head of his department? + My reply is that where others walk, Comrade Jackson runs. Where others + stroll, Comrade Jackson legs it like a highly-trained mustang of the + prairie. He does not loiter. He gets back to his department bathed in + perspiration, in level time. He—' + </p> + <p> + 'I say, Smith,' said Mike, 'you might do me a favour.' + </p> + <p> + 'A thousand. Say on.' + </p> + <p> + 'Just look in at the Fixed Deposits and tell old Gregory that I shan't be + with him today, will you? I haven't time myself. I must rush!' + </p> + <p> + Psmith screwed his eyeglass into his eye, and examined Mike carefully. + </p> + <p> + 'What exactly—?' be began. + </p> + <p> + 'Tell the old ass I've popped off.' + </p> + <p> + 'Just so, just so,' murmured Psmith, as one who assents to a thoroughly + reasonable proposition. 'Tell him you have popped off. It shall be done. + But it is within the bounds of possibility that Comrade Gregory may + inquire further. Could you give me some inkling as to why you are + popping?' + </p> + <p> + 'My brother Joe has just rung me up from Lords. The county are playing + Middlesex and they're one short. He wants me to roll up.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith shook his head sadly. + </p> + <p> + 'I don't wish to interfere in any way,' he said, 'but I suppose you + realize that, by acting thus, you are to some extent knocking the stuffing + out of your chances of becoming manager of this bank? If you dash off now, + I shouldn't count too much on that marrying the Governor's daughter scheme + I sketched out for you last night. I doubt whether this is going to help + you to hold the gorgeous East in fee, and all that sort of thing.' + </p> + <p> + 'Oh, dash the gorgeous East.' + </p> + <p> + 'By all means,' said Psmith obligingly. 'I just thought I'd mention it. + I'll look in at Lord's this afternoon. I shall send my card up to you, and + trust to your sympathetic cooperation to enable me to effect an entry into + the pavilion on my face. My father is coming up to London today. I'll + bring him along, too.' + </p> + <p> + 'Right ho. Dash it, it's twenty to. So long. See you at Lord's.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith looked after his retreating form till it had vanished through the + swing-door, and shrugged his shoulders resignedly, as if disclaiming all + responsibility. + </p> + <p> + 'He has gone without his hat,' he murmured. 'It seems to me that this is + practically a case of running amok. And now to break the news to bereaved + Comrade Gregory.' + </p> + <p> + He abandoned his intention of ringing up the Haymarket Theatre, and + turning away from the call-box, walked meditatively down the aisle till he + came to the Fixed Deposits Department, where the top of Mr Gregory's head + was to be seen over the glass barrier, as he applied himself to his work. + </p> + <p> + Psmith, resting his elbows on the top of the barrier and holding his head + between his hands, eyed the absorbed toiler for a moment in silence, then + emitted a hollow groan. + </p> + <p> + Mr Gregory, who was ruling a line in a ledger—most of the work in + the Fixed Deposits Department consisted of ruling lines in ledgers, + sometimes in black ink, sometimes in red—started as if he had been + stung, and made a complete mess of the ruled line. He lifted a fiery, + bearded face, and met Psmith's eye, which shone with kindly sympathy. + </p> + <p> + He found words. + </p> + <p> + 'What the dickens are you standing there for, mooing like a blanked cow?' + he inquired. + </p> + <p> + 'I was groaning,' explained Psmith with quiet dignity. 'And why was I + groaning?' he continued. 'Because a shadow has fallen on the Fixed + Deposits Department. Comrade Jackson, the Pride of the Office, has gone.' + </p> + <p> + Mr Gregory rose from his seat. + </p> + <p> + 'I don't know who the dickens you are—' he began. + </p> + <p> + 'I am Psmith,' said the old Etonian, + </p> + <p> + 'Oh, you're Smith, are you?' + </p> + <p> + 'With a preliminary P. Which, however, is not sounded.' + </p> + <p> + 'And what's all this dashed nonsense about Jackson?' + </p> + <p> + 'He is gone. Gone like the dew from the petal of a rose.' + </p> + <p> + 'Gone! Where's he gone to?' + </p> + <p> + 'Lord's.' + </p> + <p> + 'What lord's?' + </p> + <p> + Psmith waved his hand gently. + </p> + <p> + 'You misunderstand me. Comrade Jackson has not gone to mix with any member + of our gay and thoughtless aristocracy. He has gone to Lord's cricket + ground.' + </p> + <p> + Mr Gregory's beard bristled even more than was its wont. + </p> + <p> + 'What!' he roared. 'Gone to watch a cricket match! Gone—!' + </p> + <p> + 'Not to watch. To play. An urgent summons I need not say. Nothing but an + urgent summons could have wrenched him from your very delightful society, + I am sure.' + </p> + <p> + Mr Gregory glared. + </p> + <p> + 'I don't want any of your impudence,' he said. + </p> + <p> + Psmith nodded gravely. + </p> + <p> + 'We all have these curious likes and dislikes,' he said tolerantly. 'You + do not like my impudence. Well, well, some people don't. And now, having + broken the sad news, I will return to my own department.' + </p> + <p> + 'Half a minute. You come with me and tell this yarn of yours to Mr + Bickersdyke.' + </p> + <p> + 'You think it would interest, amuse him? Perhaps you are right. Let us + buttonhole Comrade Bickersdyke.' + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke was disengaged. The head of the Fixed Deposits Department + stumped into the room. Psmith followed at a more leisurely pace. + </p> + <p> + 'Allow me,' he said with a winning smile, as Mr Gregory opened his mouth + to speak, 'to take this opportunity of congratulating you on your success + at the election. A narrow but well-deserved victory.' + </p> + <p> + There was nothing cordial in the manager's manner. + </p> + <p> + 'What do you want?' he said. + </p> + <p> + 'Myself, nothing,' said Psmith. 'But I understand that Mr Gregory has some + communication to make.' + </p> + <p> + 'Tell Mr Bickersdyke that story of yours,' said Mr Gregory. + </p> + <p> + 'Surely,' said Psmith reprovingly, 'this is no time for anecdotes. Mr + Bickersdyke is busy. He—' + </p> + <p> + 'Tell him what you told me about Jackson.' + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke looked up inquiringly. + </p> + <p> + 'Jackson,' said Psmith, 'has been obliged to absent himself from work + today owing to an urgent summons from his brother, who, I understand, has + suffered a bereavement.' + </p> + <p> + 'It's a lie,' roared Mr Gregory. 'You told me yourself he'd gone to play + in a cricket match.' + </p> + <p> + 'True. As I said, he received an urgent summons from his brother.' + </p> + <p> + 'What about the bereavement, then?' + </p> + <p> + 'The team was one short. His brother was very distressed about it. What + could Comrade Jackson do? Could he refuse to help his brother when it was + in his power? His generous nature is a byword. He did the only possible + thing. He consented to play.' + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke spoke. + </p> + <p> + 'Am I to understand,' he asked, with sinister calm, 'that Mr Jackson has + left his work and gone off to play in a cricket match?' + </p> + <p> + 'Something of that sort has, I believe, happened,' said Psmith. 'He knew, + of course,' he added, bowing gracefully in Mr Gregory's direction, 'that + he was leaving his work in thoroughly competent hands.' + </p> + <p> + 'Thank you,' said Mr Bickersdyke. 'That will do. You will help Mr Gregory + in his department for the time being, Mr Smith. I will arrange for + somebody to take your place in your own department.' + </p> + <p> + 'It will be a pleasure,' murmured Psmith. + </p> + <p> + 'Show Mr Smith what he has to do, Mr Gregory,' said the manager. + </p> + <p> + They left the room. + </p> + <p> + 'How curious, Comrade Gregory,' mused Psmith, as they went, 'are the + workings of Fate! A moment back, and your life was a blank. Comrade + Jackson, that prince of Fixed Depositors, had gone. How, you said to + yourself despairingly, can his place be filled? Then the cloud broke, and + the sun shone out again. <i>I</i> came to help you. What you lose on the + swings, you make up on the roundabouts. Now show me what I have to do, and + then let us make this department sizzle. You have drawn a good ticket, + Comrade Gregory.' + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0027" id="link2H_4_0027"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + 27. At Lord's + </h2> + <p> + Mike got to Lord's just as the umpires moved out into the field. He raced + round to the pavilion. Joe met him on the stairs. + </p> + <p> + 'It's all right,' he said. 'No hurry. We've won the toss. I've put you in + fourth wicket.' + </p> + <p> + 'Right ho,' said Mike. 'Glad we haven't to field just yet.' + </p> + <p> + 'We oughtn't to have to field today if we don't chuck our wickets away.' + </p> + <p> + 'Good wicket?' + </p> + <p> + 'Like a billiard-table. I'm glad you were able to come. Have any + difficulty in getting away?' + </p> + <p> + Joe Jackson's knowledge of the workings of a bank was of the slightest. He + himself had never, since he left Oxford, been in a position where there + were obstacles to getting off to play in first-class cricket. By + profession he was agent to a sporting baronet whose hobby was the cricket + of the county, and so, far from finding any difficulty in playing for the + county, he was given to understand by his employer that that was his chief + duty. It never occurred to him that Mike might find his bank less amenable + in the matter of giving leave. His only fear, when he rang Mike up that + morning, had been that this might be a particularly busy day at the New + Asiatic Bank. If there was no special rush of work, he took it for granted + that Mike would simply go to the manager, ask for leave to play in the + match, and be given it with a beaming smile. + </p> + <p> + Mike did not answer the question, but asked one on his own account. + </p> + <p> + 'How did you happen to be short?' he said. + </p> + <p> + 'It was rotten luck. It was like this. We were altering our team after the + Sussex match, to bring in Ballard, Keene, and Willis. They couldn't get + down to Brighton, as the 'Varsity had a match, but there was nothing on + for them in the last half of the week, so they'd promised to roll up.' + </p> + <p> + Ballard, Keene, and Willis were members of the Cambridge team, all very + capable performers and much in demand by the county, when they could get + away to play for it. + </p> + <p> + 'Well?' said Mike. + </p> + <p> + 'Well, we all came up by train from Brighton last night. But these three + asses had arranged to motor down from Cambridge early today, and get here + in time for the start. What happens? Why, Willis, who fancies himself as a + chauffeur, undertakes to do the driving; and naturally, being an absolute + rotter, goes and smashes up the whole concern just outside St Albans. The + first thing I knew of it was when I got to Lord's at half past ten, and + found a wire waiting for me to say that they were all three of them + crocked, and couldn't possibly play. I tell you, it was a bit of a jar to + get half an hour before the match started. Willis has sprained his ankle, + apparently; Keene's damaged his wrist; and Ballard has smashed his + collar-bone. I don't suppose they'll be able to play in the 'Varsity + match. Rotten luck for Cambridge. Well, fortunately we'd had two reserve + pros, with us at Brighton, who had come up to London with the team in case + they might be wanted, so, with them, we were only one short. Then I + thought of you. That's how it was.' + </p> + <p> + 'I see,' said Mike. 'Who are the pros?' + </p> + <p> + 'Davis and Brockley. Both bowlers. It weakens our batting a lot. Ballard + or Willis might have got a stack of runs on this wicket. Still, we've got + a certain amount of batting as it is. We oughtn't to do badly, if we're + careful. You've been getting some practice, I suppose, this season?' + </p> + <p> + 'In a sort of a way. Nets and so on. No matches of any importance.' + </p> + <p> + 'Dash it, I wish you'd had a game or two in decent class cricket. Still, + nets are better than nothing, I hope you'll be in form. We may want a + pretty long knock from you, if things go wrong. These men seem to be + settling down all right, thank goodness,' he added, looking out of the + window at the county's first pair, Warrington and Mills, two + professionals, who, as the result of ten minutes' play, had put up twenty. + </p> + <p> + 'I'd better go and change,' said Mike, picking up his bag. 'You're in + first wicket, I suppose?' + </p> + <p> + 'Yes. And Reggie, second wicket.' + </p> + <p> + Reggie was another of Mike's brothers, not nearly so fine a player as Joe, + but a sound bat, who generally made runs if allowed to stay in. + </p> + <p> + Mike changed, and went out into the little balcony at the top of the + pavilion. He had it to himself. There were not many spectators in the + pavilion at this early stage of the game. + </p> + <p> + There are few more restful places, if one wishes to think, than the upper + balconies of Lord's pavilion. Mike, watching the game making its leisurely + progress on the turf below, set himself seriously to review the situation + in all its aspects. The exhilaration of bursting the bonds had begun to + fade, and he found himself able to look into the matter of his desertion + and weigh up the consequences. There was no doubt that he had cut the + painter once and for all. Even a friendly-disposed management could hardly + overlook what he had done. And the management of the New Asiatic Bank was + the very reverse of friendly. Mr Bickersdyke, he knew, would jump at this + chance of getting rid of him. He realized that he must look on his career + in the bank as a closed book. It was definitely over, and he must now + think about the future. + </p> + <p> + It was not a time for half-measures. He could not go home. He must carry + the thing through, now that he had begun, and find something definite to + do, to support himself. + </p> + <p> + There seemed only one opening for him. What could he do, he asked himself. + Just one thing. He could play cricket. It was by his cricket that he must + live. He would have to become a professional. Could he get taken on? That + was the question. It was impossible that he should play for his own county + on his residential qualification. He could not appear as a professional in + the same team in which his brothers were playing as amateurs. He must + stake all on his birth qualification for Surrey. + </p> + <p> + On the other hand, had he the credentials which Surrey would want? He had + a school reputation. But was that enough? He could not help feeling that + it might not be. + </p> + <p> + Thinking it over more tensely than he had ever thought over anything in + his whole life, he saw clearly that everything depended on what sort of + show he made in this match which was now in progress. It was his big + chance. If he succeeded, all would be well. He did not care to think what + his position would be if he did not succeed. + </p> + <p> + A distant appeal and a sound of clapping from the crowd broke in on his + thoughts. Mills was out, caught at the wicket. The telegraph-board gave + the total as forty-eight. Not sensational. The success of the team + depended largely on what sort of a start the two professionals made. + </p> + <p> + The clapping broke out again as Joe made his way down the steps. Joe, as + an All England player, was a favourite with the crowd. + </p> + <p> + Mike watched him play an over in his strong, graceful style: then it + suddenly occurred to him that he would like to know how matters had gone + at the bank in his absence. + </p> + <p> + He went down to the telephone, rang up the bank, and asked for Psmith. + </p> + <p> + Presently the familiar voice made itself heard. + </p> + <p> + 'Hullo, Smith.' + </p> + <p> + 'Hullo. Is that Comrade Jackson? How are things progressing?' + </p> + <p> + 'Fairly well. We're in first. We've lost one wicket, and the fifty's just + up. I say, what's happened at the bank?' + </p> + <p> + 'I broke the news to Comrade Gregory. A charming personality. I feel that + we shall be friends.' + </p> + <p> + 'Was he sick?' + </p> + <p> + 'In a measure, yes. Indeed, I may say he practically foamed at the mouth. + I explained the situation, but he was not to be appeased. He jerked me + into the presence of Comrade Bickersdyke, with whom I had a brief but + entertaining chat. He had not a great deal to say, but he listened + attentively to my narrative, and eventually told me off to take your place + in the Fixed Deposits. That melancholy task I am now performing to the + best of my ability. I find the work a little trying. There is too much + ledger-lugging to be done for my simple tastes. I have been hauling + ledgers from the safe all the morning. The cry is beginning to go round, + "Psmith is willing, but can his physique stand the strain?" In the + excitement of the moment just now I dropped a somewhat massive tome on to + Comrade Gregory's foot, unfortunately, I understand, the foot in which he + has of late been suffering twinges of gout. I passed the thing off with + ready tact, but I cannot deny that there was a certain temporary coolness, + which, indeed, is not yet past. These things, Comrade Jackson, are the + whirlpools in the quiet stream of commercial life.' + </p> + <p> + 'Have I got the sack?' + </p> + <p> + 'No official pronouncement has been made to me as yet on the subject, but + I think I should advise you, if you are offered another job in the course + of the day, to accept it. I cannot say that you are precisely the pet of + the management just at present. However, I have ideas for your future, + which I will divulge when we meet. I propose to slide coyly from the + office at about four o'clock. I am meeting my father at that hour. We + shall come straight on to Lord's.' + </p> + <p> + 'Right ho,' said Mike. 'I'll be looking out for you.' + </p> + <p> + 'Is there any little message I can give Comrade Gregory from you?' + </p> + <p> + 'You can give him my love, if you like.' + </p> + <p> + 'It shall be done. Good-bye.' + </p> + <p> + 'Good-bye.' + </p> + <p> + Mike replaced the receiver, and went up to his balcony again. + </p> + <p> + As soon as his eye fell on the telegraph-board he saw with a start that + things had been moving rapidly in his brief absence. The numbers of the + batsmen on the board were three and five. + </p> + <p> + 'Great Scott!' he cried. 'Why, I'm in next. What on earth's been + happening?' + </p> + <p> + He put on his pads hurriedly, expecting every moment that a wicket would + fall and find him unprepared. But the batsmen were still together when he + rose, ready for the fray, and went downstairs to get news. + </p> + <p> + He found his brother Reggie in the dressing-room. + </p> + <p> + 'What's happened?' he said. 'How were you out?' + </p> + <p> + 'L.b.w.,' said Reggie. 'Goodness knows how it happened. My eyesight must + be going. I mistimed the thing altogether.' + </p> + <p> + 'How was Warrington out?' + </p> + <p> + 'Caught in the slips.' + </p> + <p> + 'By Jove!' said Mike. 'This is pretty rocky. Three for sixty-one. We shall + get mopped.' + </p> + <p> + 'Unless you and Joe do something. There's no earthly need to get out. The + wicket's as good as you want, and the bowling's nothing special. Well + played, Joe!' + </p> + <p> + A beautiful glide to leg by the greatest of the Jacksons had rolled up + against the pavilion rails. The fieldsmen changed across for the next + over. + </p> + <p> + 'If only Peters stops a bit—' began Mike, and broke off. Peters' off + stump was lying at an angle of forty-five degrees. + </p> + <p> + 'Well, he hasn't,' said Reggie grimly. 'Silly ass, why did he hit at that + one? All he'd got to do was to stay in with Joe. Now it's up to you. Do + try and do something, or we'll be out under the hundred.' + </p> + <p> + Mike waited till the outcoming batsman had turned in at the professionals' + gate. Then he walked down the steps and out into the open, feeling more + nervous than he had felt since that far-off day when he had first gone in + to bat for Wrykyn against the M.C.C. He found his thoughts flying back to + that occasion. Today, as then, everything seemed very distant and unreal. + The spectators were miles away. He had often been to Lord's as a + spectator, but the place seemed entirely unfamiliar now. He felt as if he + were in a strange land. + </p> + <p> + He was conscious of Joe leaving the crease to meet him on his way. He + smiled feebly. 'Buck up,' said Joe in that robust way of his which was so + heartening. 'Nothing in the bowling, and the wicket like a shirt-front. + Play just as if you were at the nets. And for goodness' sake don't try to + score all your runs in the first over. Stick in, and we've got them.' + </p> + <p> + Mike smiled again more feebly than before, and made a weird gurgling noise + in his throat. + </p> + <p> + It had been the Middlesex fast bowler who had destroyed Peters. Mike was + not sorry. He did not object to fast bowling. He took guard, and looked + round him, taking careful note of the positions of the slips. + </p> + <p> + As usual, once he was at the wicket the paralysed feeling left him. He + became conscious again of his power. Dash it all, what was there to be + afraid of? He was a jolly good bat, and he would jolly well show them that + he was, too. + </p> + <p> + The fast bowler, with a preliminary bound, began his run. Mike settled + himself into position, his whole soul concentrated on the ball. Everything + else was wiped from his mind. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0028" id="link2H_4_0028"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + 28. Psmith Arranges his Future + </h2> + <p> + It was exactly four o'clock when Psmith, sliding unostentatiously from his + stool, flicked divers pieces of dust from the leg of his trousers, and + sidled towards the basement, where he was wont to keep his hat during + business hours. He was aware that it would be a matter of some delicacy to + leave the bank at that hour. There was a certain quantity of work still to + be done in the Fixed Deposits Department—work in which, by rights, + as Mike's understudy, he should have lent a sympathetic and helping hand. + 'But what of that?' he mused, thoughtfully smoothing his hat with his + knuckles. 'Comrade Gregory is a man who takes such an enthusiastic + pleasure in his duties that he will go singing about the office when he + discovers that he has got a double lot of work to do.' + </p> + <p> + With this comforting thought, he started on his perilous journey to the + open air. As he walked delicately, not courting observation, he reminded + himself of the hero of 'Pilgrim's Progress'. On all sides of him lay + fearsome beasts, lying in wait to pounce upon him. At any moment Mr + Gregory's hoarse roar might shatter the comparative stillness, or the + sinister note of Mr Bickersdyke make itself heard. + </p> + <p> + 'However,' said Psmith philosophically, 'these are Life's Trials, and must + be borne patiently.' + </p> + <p> + A roundabout route, via the Postage and Inwards Bills Departments, took + him to the swing-doors. It was here that the danger became acute. The + doors were well within view of the Fixed Deposits Department, and Mr + Gregory had an eye compared with which that of an eagle was more or less + bleared. + </p> + <p> + Psmith sauntered to the door and pushed it open in a gingerly manner. + </p> + <p> + As he did so a bellow rang through the office, causing a timid customer, + who had come in to arrange about an overdraft, to lose his nerve + completely and postpone his business till the following afternoon. + </p> + <p> + Psmith looked up. Mr Gregory was leaning over the barrier which divided + his lair from the outer world, and gesticulating violently. + </p> + <p> + 'Where are you going,' roared the head of the Fixed Deposits. + </p> + <p> + Psmith did not reply. With a benevolent smile and a gesture intended to + signify all would come right in the future, he slid through the + swing-doors, and began to move down the street at a somewhat swifter pace + than was his habit. + </p> + <p> + Once round the corner he slackened his speed. + </p> + <p> + 'This can't go on,' he said to himself. 'This life of commerce is too + great a strain. One is practically a hunted hare. Either the heads of my + department must refrain from View Halloos when they observe me going for a + stroll, or I abandon Commerce for some less exacting walk in life.' + </p> + <p> + He removed his hat, and allowed the cool breeze to play upon his forehead. + The episode had been disturbing. + </p> + <p> + He was to meet his father at the Mansion House. As he reached that + land-mark he saw with approval that punctuality was a virtue of which he + had not the sole monopoly in the Smith family. His father was waiting for + him at the tryst. + </p> + <p> + 'Certainly, my boy,' said Mr Smith senior, all activity in a moment, when + Psmith had suggested going to Lord's. 'Excellent. We must be getting on. + We must not miss a moment of the match. Bless my soul: I haven't seen a + first-class match this season. Where's a cab? Hi, cabby! No, that one's + got some one in it. There's another. Hi! Here, lunatic! Are you blind? + Good, he's seen us. That's right. Here he comes. Lord's Cricket Ground, + cabby, as quick as you can. Jump in, Rupert, my boy, jump in.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith rarely jumped. He entered the cab with something of the stateliness + of an old Roman Emperor boarding his chariot, and settled himself + comfortably in his seat. Mr Smith dived in like a rabbit. + </p> + <p> + A vendor of newspapers came to the cab thrusting an evening paper into the + interior. Psmith bought it. + </p> + <p> + 'Let's see how they're getting on,' he said, opening the paper. 'Where are + we? Lunch scores. Lord's. Aha! Comrade Jackson is in form.' + </p> + <p> + 'Jackson?' said Mr Smith, 'is that the same youngster you brought home + last summer? The batsman? Is he playing today?' + </p> + <p> + 'He was not out thirty at lunch-time. He would appear to be making + something of a stand with his brother Joe, who has made sixty-one up to + the moment of going to press. It's possible he may still be in when we get + there. In which case we shall not be able to slide into the pavilion.' + </p> + <p> + 'A grand bat, that boy. I said so last summer. Better than any of his + brothers. He's in the bank with you, isn't he?' + </p> + <p> + 'He was this morning. I doubt, however, whether he can be said to be still + in that position.' + </p> + <p> + 'Eh? what? How's that?' + </p> + <p> + 'There was some slight friction between him and the management. They + wished him to be glued to his stool; he preferred to play for the county. + I think we may say that Comrade Jackson has secured the Order of the + Boot.' + </p> + <p> + 'What? Do you mean to say—?' + </p> + <p> + Psmith related briefly the history of Mike's departure. + </p> + <p> + Mr Smith listened with interest. + </p> + <p> + 'Well,' he said at last, 'hang me if I blame the boy. It's a sin cooping + up a fellow who can bat like that in a bank. I should have done the same + myself in his place.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith smoothed his waistcoat. + </p> + <p> + 'Do you know, father,' he said, 'this bank business is far from being much + of a catch. Indeed, I should describe it definitely as a bit off. I have + given it a fair trial, and I now denounce it unhesitatingly as a shade too + thick.' + </p> + <p> + 'What? Are you getting tired of it?' + </p> + <p> + 'Not precisely tired. But, after considerable reflection, I have come to + the conclusion that my talents lie elsewhere. At lugging ledgers I am + among the also-rans—a mere cipher. I have been wanting to speak to + you about this for some time. If you have no objection, I should like to + go to the Bar.' + </p> + <p> + 'The Bar? Well—' + </p> + <p> + 'I fancy I should make a pretty considerable hit as a barrister.' + </p> + <p> + Mr Smith reflected. The idea had not occurred to him before. Now that it + was suggested, his always easily-fired imagination took hold of it + readily. There was a good deal to be said for the Bar as a career. Psmith + knew his father, and he knew that the thing was practically as good as + settled. It was a new idea, and as such was bound to be favourably + received. + </p> + <p> + 'What I should do, if I were you,' he went on, as if he were advising a + friend on some course of action certain to bring him profit and pleasure, + 'is to take me away from the bank at once. Don't wait. There is no time + like the present. Let me hand in my resignation tomorrow. The blow to the + management, especially to Comrade Bickersdyke, will be a painful one, but + it is the truest kindness to administer it swiftly. Let me resign + tomorrow, and devote my time to quiet study. Then I can pop up to + Cambridge next term, and all will be well.' + </p> + <p> + 'I'll think it over—' began Mr Smith. + </p> + <p> + 'Let us hustle,' urged Psmith. 'Let us Do It Now. It is the only way. Have + I your leave to shoot in my resignation to Comrade Bickersdyke tomorrow + morning?' + </p> + <p> + Mr Smith hesitated for a moment, then made up his mind. + </p> + <p> + 'Very well,' he said. 'I really think it is a good idea. There are great + opportunities open to a barrister. I wish we had thought of it before.' + </p> + <p> + 'I am not altogether sorry that we did not,' said Psmith. 'I have enjoyed + the chances my commercial life has given me of associating with such a man + as Comrade Bickersdyke. In many ways a master-mind. But perhaps it is as + well to close the chapter. How it happened it is hard to say, but somehow + I fancy I did not precisely hit it off with Comrade Bickersdyke. With + Psmith, the worker, he had no fault to find; but it seemed to me + sometimes, during our festive evenings together at the club, that all was + not well. From little, almost imperceptible signs I have suspected now and + then that he would just as soon have been without my company. One cannot + explain these things. It must have been some incompatibility of + temperament. Perhaps he will manage to bear up at my departure. But here + we are,' he added, as the cab drew up. 'I wonder if Comrade Jackson is + still going strong.' + </p> + <p> + They passed through the turnstile, and caught sight of the + telegraph-board. + </p> + <p> + 'By Jove!' said Psmith, 'he is. I don't know if he's number three or + number six. I expect he's number six. In which case he has got + ninety-eight. We're just in time to see his century.' + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0029" id="link2H_4_0029"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + 29. And Mike's + </h2> + <p> + For nearly two hours Mike had been experiencing the keenest pleasure that + it had ever fallen to his lot to feel. From the moment he took his first + ball till the luncheon interval he had suffered the acutest discomfort. + His nervousness had left him to a great extent, but he had never really + settled down. Sometimes by luck, and sometimes by skill, he had kept the + ball out of his wicket; but he was scratching, and he knew it. Not for a + single over had he been comfortable. On several occasions he had edged + balls to leg and through the slips in quite an inferior manner, and it was + seldom that he managed to hit with the centre of the bat. + </p> + <p> + Nobody is more alive to the fact that he is not playing up to his true + form than the batsman. Even though his score mounted little by little into + the twenties, Mike was miserable. If this was the best he could do on a + perfect wicket, he felt there was not much hope for him as a professional. + </p> + <p> + The poorness of his play was accentuated by the brilliance of Joe's. Joe + combined science and vigour to a remarkable degree. He laid on the wood + with a graceful robustness which drew much cheering from the crowd. Beside + him Mike was oppressed by that leaden sense of moral inferiority which + weighs on a man who has turned up to dinner in ordinary clothes when + everybody else has dressed. He felt awkward and conspicuously out of + place. + </p> + <p> + Then came lunch—and after lunch a glorious change. + </p> + <p> + Volumes might be written on the cricket lunch and the influence it has on + the run of the game; how it undoes one man, and sends another back to the + fray like a giant refreshed; how it turns the brilliant fast bowler into + the sluggish medium, and the nervous bat into the masterful smiter. + </p> + <p> + On Mike its effect was magical. He lunched wisely and well, chewing his + food with the concentration of a thirty-three-bites a mouthful crank, and + drinking dry ginger-ale. As he walked out with Joe after the interval he + knew that a change had taken place in him. His nerve had come back, and + with it his form. + </p> + <p> + It sometimes happens at cricket that when one feels particularly fit one + gets snapped in the slips in the first over, or clean bowled by a full + toss; but neither of these things happened to Mike. He stayed in, and + began to score. Now there were no edgings through the slips and snicks to + leg. He was meeting the ball in the centre of the bat, and meeting it + vigorously. Two boundaries in successive balls off the fast bowler, hard, + clean drives past extra-cover, put him at peace with all the world. He was + on top. He had found himself. + </p> + <p> + Joe, at the other end, resumed his brilliant career. His century and + Mike's fifty arrived in the same over. The bowling began to grow loose. + </p> + <p> + Joe, having reached his century, slowed down somewhat, and Mike took up + the running. The score rose rapidly. + </p> + <p> + A leg-theory bowler kept down the pace of the run-getting for a time, but + the bowlers at the other end continued to give away runs. Mike's score + passed from sixty to seventy, from seventy to eighty, from eighty to + ninety. When the Smiths, father and son, came on to the ground the total + was ninety-eight. Joe had made a hundred and thirty-three. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + Mike reached his century just as Psmith and his father took their seats. A + square cut off the slow bowler was just too wide for point to get to. By + the time third man had sprinted across and returned the ball the batsmen + had run two. + </p> + <p> + Mr Smith was enthusiastic. + </p> + <p> + 'I tell you,' he said to Psmith, who was clapping in a gently encouraging + manner, 'the boy's a wonderful bat. I said so when he was down with us. I + remember telling him so myself. "I've seen your brothers play," I said, + "and you're better than any of them." I remember it distinctly. He'll be + playing for England in another year or two. Fancy putting a cricketer like + that into the City! It's a crime.' + </p> + <p> + 'I gather,' said Psmith, 'that the family coffers had got a bit low. It + was necessary for Comrade Jackson to do something by way of saving the Old + Home.' + </p> + <p> + 'He ought to be at the University. Look, he's got that man away to the + boundary again. They'll never get him out.' + </p> + <p> + At six o'clock the partnership was broken, Joe running himself out in + trying to snatch a single where no single was. He had made a hundred and + eighty-nine. + </p> + <p> + Mike flung himself down on the turf with mixed feelings. He was sorry Joe + was out, but he was very glad indeed of the chance of a rest. He was + utterly fagged. A half-day match once a week is no training for + first-class cricket. Joe, who had been playing all the season, was as + tough as india-rubber, and trotted into the pavilion as fresh as if he had + been having a brief spell at the nets. Mike, on the other hand, felt that + he simply wanted to be dropped into a cold bath and left there + indefinitely. There was only another half-hour's play, but he doubted if + he could get through it. + </p> + <p> + He dragged himself up wearily as Joe's successor arrived at the wickets. + He had crossed Joe before the latter's downfall, and it was his turn to + take the bowling. + </p> + <p> + Something seemed to have gone out of him. He could not time the ball + properly. The last ball of the over looked like a half-volley, and he hit + out at it. But it was just short of a half-volley, and his stroke arrived + too soon. The bowler, running in the direction of mid-on, brought off an + easy c.-and-b. + </p> + <p> + Mike turned away towards the pavilion. He heard the gradually swelling + applause in a sort of dream. It seemed to him hours before he reached the + dressing-room. + </p> + <p> + He was sitting on a chair, wishing that somebody would come along and take + off his pads, when Psmith's card was brought to him. A few moments later + the old Etonian appeared in person. + </p> + <p> + 'Hullo, Smith,' said Mike, 'By Jove! I'm done.' + </p> + <p> + '"How Little Willie Saved the Match,"' said Psmith. 'What you want is one + of those gin and ginger-beers we hear so much about. Remove those pads, + and let us flit downstairs in search of a couple. Well, Comrade Jackson, + you have fought the good fight this day. My father sends his compliments. + He is dining out, or he would have come up. He is going to look in at the + flat latish.' + </p> + <p> + 'How many did I get?' asked Mike. 'I was so jolly done I didn't think of + looking.' + </p> + <p> + 'A hundred and forty-eight of the best,' said Psmith. 'What will they say + at the old homestead about this? Are you ready? Then let us test this + fruity old ginger-beer of theirs.' + </p> + <p> + The two batsmen who had followed the big stand were apparently having a + little stand all of their own. No more wickets fell before the drawing of + stumps. Psmith waited for Mike while he changed, and carried him off in a + cab to Simpson's, a restaurant which, as he justly observed, offered two + great advantages, namely, that you need not dress, and, secondly, that you + paid your half-crown, and were then at liberty to eat till you were + helpless, if you felt so disposed, without extra charge. + </p> + <p> + Mike stopped short of this giddy height of mastication, but consumed + enough to make him feel a great deal better. Psmith eyed his inroads on + the menu with approval. + </p> + <p> + 'There is nothing,' he said, 'like victualling up before an ordeal.' + </p> + <p> + 'What's the ordeal?' said Mike. + </p> + <p> + 'I propose to take you round to the club anon, where I trust we shall find + Comrade Bickersdyke. We have much to say to one another.' + </p> + <p> + 'Look here, I'm hanged—' began Mike. + </p> + <p> + 'Yes, you must be there,' said Psmith. 'Your presence will serve to cheer + Comrade B. up. Fate compels me to deal him a nasty blow, and he will want + sympathy. I have got to break it to him that I am leaving the bank.' + </p> + <p> + 'What, are you going to chuck it?' + </p> + <p> + Psmith inclined his head. + </p> + <p> + 'The time,' he said, 'has come to part. It has served its turn. The + startled whisper runs round the City. "Psmith has had sufficient."' + </p> + <p> + 'What are you going to do?' + </p> + <p> + 'I propose to enter the University of Cambridge, and there to study the + intricacies of the Law, with a view to having a subsequent dash at + becoming Lord Chancellor.' + </p> + <p> + 'By Jove!' said Mike, 'you're lucky. I wish I were coming too.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith knocked the ash off his cigarette. + </p> + <p> + 'Are you absolutely set on becoming a pro?' he asked. + </p> + <p> + 'It depends on what you call set. It seems to me it's about all I can do.' + </p> + <p> + 'I can offer you a not entirely scaly job,' said Smith, 'if you feel like + taking it. In the course of conversation with my father during the match + this afternoon, I gleaned the fact that he is anxious to secure your + services as a species of agent. The vast Psmith estates, it seems, need a + bright boy to keep an eye upon them. Are you prepared to accept the post?' + </p> + <p> + Mike stared. + </p> + <p> + 'Me! Dash it all, how old do you think I am? I'm only nineteen.' + </p> + <p> + 'I had suspected as much from the alabaster clearness of your unwrinkled + brow. But my father does not wish you to enter upon your duties + immediately. There would be a preliminary interval of three, possibly + four, years at Cambridge, during which I presume, you would be learning + divers facts concerning spuds, turmuts, and the like. At least,' said + Psmith airily, 'I suppose so. Far be it from me to dictate the line of + your researches.' + </p> + <p> + 'Then I'm afraid it's off,' said Mike gloomily. 'My pater couldn't afford + to send me to Cambridge.' + </p> + <p> + 'That obstacle,' said Psmith, 'can be surmounted. You would, of course, + accompany me to Cambridge, in the capacity, which you enjoy at the present + moment, of my confidential secretary and adviser. Any expenses that might + crop up would be defrayed from the Psmith family chest.' + </p> + <p> + Mike's eyes opened wide again. + </p> + <p> + 'Do you mean,' he asked bluntly, 'that your pater would pay for me at the + 'Varsity? No I say—dash it—I mean, I couldn't—' + </p> + <p> + 'Do you suggest,' said Psmith, raising his eyebrows, 'that I should go to + the University <i>without</i> a confidential secretary and adviser?' + </p> + <p> + 'No, but I mean—' protested Mike. + </p> + <p> + 'Then that's settled,' said Psmith. 'I knew you would not desert me in my + hour of need, Comrade Jackson. "What will you do," asked my father, + alarmed for my safety, "among these wild undergraduates? I fear for my + Rupert." "Have no fear, father," I replied. "Comrade Jackson will be + beside me." His face brightened immediately. "Comrade Jackson," he said, + "is a man in whom I have the supremest confidence. If he is with you I + shall sleep easy of nights." It was after that that the conversation + drifted to the subject of agents.' + </p> + <p> + Psmith called for the bill and paid it in the affable manner of a monarch + signing a charter. Mike sat silent, his mind in a whirl. He saw exactly + what had happened. He could almost hear Psmith talking his father into + agreeing with his scheme. He could think of nothing to say. As usually + happened in any emotional crisis in his life, words absolutely deserted + him. The thing was too big. Anything he could say would sound too feeble. + When a friend has solved all your difficulties and smoothed out all the + rough places which were looming in your path, you cannot thank him as if + he had asked you to lunch. The occasion demanded some neat, polished + speech; and neat, polished speeches were beyond Mike. + </p> + <p> + 'I say, Psmith—' he began. + </p> + <p> + Psmith rose. + </p> + <p> + 'Let us now,' he said, 'collect our hats and meander to the club, where, I + have no doubt, we shall find Comrade Bickersdyke, all unconscious of + impending misfortune, dreaming pleasantly over coffee and a cigar in the + lower smoking-room.' + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0030" id="link2H_4_0030"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + 30. The Last Sad Farewells + </h2> + <p> + As it happened, that was precisely what Mr Bickersdyke was doing. He was + feeling thoroughly pleased with life. For nearly nine months Psmith had + been to him a sort of spectre at the feast inspiring him with an + ever-present feeling of discomfort which he had found impossible to shake + off. And tonight he saw his way of getting rid of him. + </p> + <p> + At five minutes past four Mr Gregory, crimson and wrathful, had plunged + into his room with a long statement of how Psmith, deputed to help in the + life and thought of the Fixed Deposits Department, had left the building + at four o'clock, when there was still another hour and a half's work to be + done. + </p> + <p> + Moreover, Mr Gregory deposed, the errant one, seen sliding out of the + swinging door, and summoned in a loud, clear voice to come back, had + flatly disobeyed and had gone upon his ways 'Grinning at me,' said the + aggrieved Mr Gregory, 'like a dashed ape.' A most unjust description of + the sad, sweet smile which Psmith had bestowed upon him from the doorway. + </p> + <p> + Ever since that moment Mr Bickersdyke had felt that there was a silver + lining to the cloud. Hitherto Psmith had left nothing to be desired in the + manner in which he performed his work. His righteousness in the office had + clothed him as in a suit of mail. But now he had slipped. To go off an + hour and a half before the proper time, and to refuse to return when + summoned by the head of his department—these were offences for which + he could be dismissed without fuss. Mr Bickersdyke looked forward to + tomorrow's interview with his employee. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile, having enjoyed an excellent dinner, he was now, as Psmith had + predicted, engaged with a cigar and a cup of coffee in the lower + smoking-room of the Senior Conservative Club. + </p> + <p> + Psmith and Mike entered the room when he was about half through these + luxuries. + </p> + <p> + Psmith's first action was to summon a waiter, and order a glass of neat + brandy. 'Not for myself,' he explained to Mike. 'For Comrade Bickersdyke. + He is about to sustain a nasty shock, and may need a restorative at a + moment's notice. For all we know, his heart may not be strong. In any + case, it is safest to have a pick-me-up handy.' + </p> + <p> + He paid the waiter, and advanced across the room, followed by Mike. In his + hand, extended at arm's length, he bore the glass of brandy. + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke caught sight of the procession, and started. Psmith set the + brandy down very carefully on the table, beside the manager's coffee cup, + and, dropping into a chair, regarded him pityingly through his eyeglass. + Mike, who felt embarrassed, took a seat some little way behind his + companion. This was Psmith's affair, and he proposed to allow him to do + the talking. + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke, except for a slight deepening of the colour of his + complexion, gave no sign of having seen them. He puffed away at his cigar, + his eyes fixed on the ceiling. + </p> + <p> + 'An unpleasant task lies before us,' began Psmith in a low, sorrowful + voice, 'and it must not be shirked. Have I your ear, Mr Bickersdyke?' + </p> + <p> + Addressed thus directly, the manager allowed his gaze to wander from the + ceiling. He eyed Psmith for a moment like an elderly basilisk, then looked + back at the ceiling again. + </p> + <p> + 'I shall speak to you tomorrow,' he said. + </p> + <p> + Psmith heaved a heavy sigh. + </p> + <p> + 'You will not see us tomorrow,' he said, pushing the brandy a little + nearer. + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke's eyes left the ceiling once more. + </p> + <p> + 'What do you mean?' he said. + </p> + <p> + 'Drink this,' urged Psmith sympathetically, holding out the glass. 'Be + brave,' he went on rapidly. 'Time softens the harshest blows. Shocks stun + us for the moment, but we recover. Little by little we come to ourselves + again. Life, which we had thought could hold no more pleasure for us, + gradually shows itself not wholly grey.' + </p> + <p> + Mr Bickersdyke seemed about to make an observation at this point, but + Psmith, with a wave of the hand, hurried on. + </p> + <p> + 'We find that the sun still shines, the birds still sing. Things which + used to entertain us resume their attraction. Gradually we emerge from the + soup, and begin—' + </p> + <p> + 'If you have anything to say to me,' said the manager, 'I should be glad + if you would say it, and go.' + </p> + <p> + 'You prefer me not to break the bad news gently?' said Psmith. 'Perhaps + you are wise. In a word, then,'—he picked up the brandy and held it + out to him—'Comrade Jackson and myself are leaving the bank.' + </p> + <p> + 'I am aware of that,' said Mr Bickersdyke drily. + </p> + <p> + Psmith put down the glass. + </p> + <p> + 'You have been told already?' he said. 'That accounts for your calm. The + shock has expended its force on you, and can do no more. You are stunned. + I am sorry, but it had to be. You will say that it is madness for us to + offer our resignations, that our grip on the work of the bank made a + prosperous career in Commerce certain for us. It may be so. But somehow we + feel that our talents lie elsewhere. To Comrade Jackson the management of + the Psmith estates seems the job on which he can get the rapid + half-Nelson. For my own part, I feel that my long suit is the Bar. I am a + poor, unready speaker, but I intend to acquire a knowledge of the Law + which shall outweigh this defect. Before leaving you, I should like to say—I + may speak for you as well as myself, Comrade Jackson—?' + </p> + <p> + Mike uttered his first contribution to the conversation—a gurgle—and + relapsed into silence again. + </p> + <p> + 'I should like to say,' continued Psmith, 'how much Comrade Jackson and I + have enjoyed our stay in the bank. The insight it has given us into your + masterly handling of the intricate mechanism of the office has been a + treat we would not have missed. But our place is elsewhere.' + </p> + <p> + He rose. Mike followed his example with alacrity. It occurred to Mr + Bickersdyke, as they turned to go, that he had not yet been able to get in + a word about their dismissal. They were drifting away with all the honours + of war. + </p> + <p> + 'Come back,' he cried. + </p> + <p> + Psmith paused and shook his head sadly. + </p> + <p> + 'This is unmanly, Comrade Bickersdyke,' he said. 'I had not expected this. + That you should be dazed by the shock was natural. But that you should beg + us to reconsider our resolve and return to the bank is unworthy of you. Be + a man. Bite the bullet. The first keen pang will pass. Time will soften + the feeling of bereavement. You must be brave. Come, Comrade Jackson.' + </p> + <p> + Mike responded to the call without hesitation. + </p> + <p> + 'We will now,' said Psmith, leading the way to the door, 'push back to the + flat. My father will be round there soon.' He looked over his shoulder. Mr + Bickersdyke appeared to be wrapped in thought. + </p> + <p> + 'A painful business,' sighed Psmith. 'The man seems quite broken up. It + had to be, however. The bank was no place for us. An excellent career in + many respects, but unsuitable for you and me. It is hard on Comrade + Bickersdyke, especially as he took such trouble to get me into it, but I + think we may say that we are well out of the place.' + </p> + <p> + Mike's mind roamed into the future. Cambridge first, and then an open-air + life of the sort he had always dreamed of. The Problem of Life seemed to + him to be solved. He looked on down the years, and he could see no + troubles there of any kind whatsoever. Reason suggested that there were + probably one or two knocking about somewhere, but this was no time to + think of them. He examined the future, and found it good. + </p> + <p> + 'I should jolly well think,' he said simply, 'that we might.' + </p> + <div style="height: 6em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Psmith in the City, by P. G. Wodehouse + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PSMITH IN THE CITY *** + +***** This file should be named 6753-h.htm or 6753-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/6/7/5/6753/ + +Etext produced by Suzanne L. 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Wodehouse + + +Release Date: October, 2004 [EBook #6753] +First Posted: January 23, 2003 +Last Updated: October 8, 2012 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PSMITH IN THE CITY *** + + + + +Produced by Suzanne L. Shell, Charles Franks and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + + + + + + +Psmith in the City + + + + + +by P. G. Wodehouse + + + + + +[Dedication] +to Leslie Havergal Bradshaw + + + + +Contents + + +1. Mr Bickersdyke Walks behind the Bowler's Arm + +2. Mike Hears Bad News + +3. The New Era Begins + +4. First Steps in a Business Career + +5. The Other Man + +6. Psmith Explains + +7. Going into Winter Quarters + +8. The Friendly Native + +9. The Haunting of Mr Bickersdyke + +10. Mr Bickersdyke Addresses His Constituents + +11. Misunderstood + +12. In a Nutshell + +13. Mike is Moved On + +14. Mr Waller Appears in a New Light + +15. Stirring Times on the Common + +16. Further Developments + +17. Sunday Supper + +18. Psmith Makes a Discovery + +19. The Illness of Edward + +20. Concerning a Cheque + +21. Psmith Makes Inquiries + +22. And Takes Steps + +23. Mr Bickersdyke Makes a Concession + +24. The Spirit of Unrest + +25. At the Telephone + +26. Breaking the News + +27. At Lord's + +28. Psmith Arranges His Future + +29. And Mike's + +30. The Last Sad Farewells + + + + +1. Mr Bickersdyke Walks behind the Bowler's Arm + + +Considering what a prominent figure Mr John Bickersdyke was to be in +Mike Jackson's life, it was only appropriate that he should make a +dramatic entry into it. This he did by walking behind the bowler's arm +when Mike had scored ninety-eight, causing him thereby to be clean +bowled by a long-hop. + +It was the last day of the Ilsworth cricket week, and the house team +were struggling hard on a damaged wicket. During the first two matches +of the week all had been well. Warm sunshine, true wickets, tea in the +shade of the trees. But on the Thursday night, as the team champed +their dinner contentedly after defeating the Incogniti by two wickets, +a pattering of rain made itself heard upon the windows. By bedtime it +had settled to a steady downpour. On Friday morning, when the team of +the local regiment arrived in their brake, the sun was shining once +more in a watery, melancholy way, but play was not possible before +lunch. After lunch the bowlers were in their element. The regiment, +winning the toss, put together a hundred and thirty, due principally to +a last wicket stand between two enormous corporals, who swiped at +everything and had luck enough for two whole teams. The house team +followed with seventy-eight, of which Psmith, by his usual golf +methods, claimed thirty. Mike, who had gone in first as the star bat of +the side, had been run out with great promptitude off the first ball of +the innings, which his partner had hit in the immediate neighbourhood +of point. At close of play the regiment had made five without loss. +This, on the Saturday morning, helped by another shower of rain which +made the wicket easier for the moment, they had increased to a hundred +and forty-eight, leaving the house just two hundred to make on a pitch +which looked as if it were made of linseed. + +It was during this week that Mike had first made the acquaintance of +Psmith's family. Mr Smith had moved from Shropshire, and taken Ilsworth +Hall in a neighbouring county. This he had done, as far as could be +ascertained, simply because he had a poor opinion of Shropshire +cricket. And just at the moment cricket happened to be the pivot of his +life. + +'My father,' Psmith had confided to Mike, meeting him at the station in +the family motor on the Monday, 'is a man of vast but volatile brain. +He has not that calm, dispassionate outlook on life which marks your +true philosopher, such as myself. I--' + +'I say,' interrupted Mike, eyeing Psmith's movements with apprehension, +'you aren't going to drive, are you?' + +'Who else? As I was saying, I am like some contented spectator of a +Pageant. My pater wants to jump in and stage-manage. He is a man of +hobbies. He never has more than one at a time, and he never has that +long. But while he has it, it's all there. When I left the house this +morning he was all for cricket. But by the time we get to the ground he +may have chucked cricket and taken up the Territorial Army. Don't be +surprised if you find the wicket being dug up into trenches, when we +arrive, and the pro. moving in echelon towards the pavilion. No,' he +added, as the car turned into the drive, and they caught a glimpse of +white flannels and blazers in the distance, and heard the sound of bat +meeting ball, 'cricket seems still to be topping the bill. Come along, +and I'll show you your room. It's next to mine, so that, if brooding on +Life in the still hours of the night, I hit on any great truth, I shall +pop in and discuss it with you.' + +While Mike was changing, Psmith sat on his bed, and continued to +discourse. + +'I suppose you're going to the 'Varsity?' he said. + +'Rather,' said Mike, lacing his boots. 'You are, of course? Cambridge, +I hope. I'm going to King's.' + +'Between ourselves,' confided Psmith, 'I'm dashed if I know what's +going to happen to me. I am the thingummy of what's-its-name.' + +'You look it,' said Mike, brushing his hair. + +'Don't stand there cracking the glass,' said Psmith. 'I tell you I am +practically a human three-shies-a-penny ball. My father is poising me +lightly in his hand, preparatory to flinging me at one of the milky +cocos of Life. Which one he'll aim at I don't know. The least thing +fills him with a whirl of new views as to my future. Last week we were +out shooting together, and he said that the life of the gentleman-farmer +was the most manly and independent on earth, and that he had a good +mind to start me on that. I pointed out that lack of early training +had rendered me unable to distinguish between a threshing-machine and +a mangel-wurzel, so he chucked that. He has now worked round to +Commerce. It seems that a blighter of the name of Bickersdyke is +coming here for the week-end next Saturday. As far as I can say +without searching the Newgate Calendar, the man Bickersdyke's career +seems to have been as follows. He was at school with my pater, went +into the City, raked in a certain amount of doubloons--probably +dishonestly--and is now a sort of Captain of Industry, manager of some +bank or other, and about to stand for Parliament. The result of these +excesses is that my pater's imagination has been fired, and at time of +going to press he wants me to imitate Comrade Bickersdyke. However, +there's plenty of time. That's one comfort. He's certain to change his +mind again. Ready? Then suppose we filter forth into the arena?' + +Out on the field Mike was introduced to the man of hobbies. Mr Smith, +senior, was a long, earnest-looking man who might have been Psmith in a +grey wig but for his obvious energy. He was as wholly on the move as +Psmith was wholly statuesque. Where Psmith stood like some dignified +piece of sculpture, musing on deep questions with a glassy eye, his +father would be trying to be in four places at once. When Psmith +presented Mike to him, he shook hands warmly with him and started a +sentence, but broke off in the middle of both performances to dash +wildly in the direction of the pavilion in an endeavour to catch an +impossible catch some thirty yards away. The impetus so gained carried +him on towards Bagley, the Ilsworth Hall ground-man, with whom a moment +later he was carrying on an animated discussion as to whether he had or +had not seen a dandelion on the field that morning. Two minutes +afterwards he had skimmed away again. Mike, as he watched him, began to +appreciate Psmith's reasons for feeling some doubt as to what would be +his future walk in life. + +At lunch that day Mike sat next to Mr Smith, and improved his +acquaintance with him; and by the end of the week they were on +excellent terms. Psmith's father had Psmith's gift of getting on well +with people. + +On this Saturday, as Mike buckled on his pads, Mr Smith bounded up, +full of advice and encouragement. + +'My boy,' he said, 'we rely on you. These others'--he indicated with a +disparaging wave of the hand the rest of the team, who were visible +through the window of the changing-room--'are all very well. Decent +club bats. Good for a few on a billiard-table. But you're our hope on a +wicket like this. I have studied cricket all my life'--till that summer +it is improbable that Mr Smith had ever handled a bat--'and I know a +first-class batsman when I see one. I've seen your brothers play. Pooh, +you're better than any of them. That century of yours against the Green +Jackets was a wonderful innings, wonderful. Now look here, my boy. I +want you to be careful. We've a lot of runs to make, so we mustn't take +any risks. Hit plenty of boundaries, of course, but be careful. +Careful. Dash it, there's a youngster trying to climb up the elm. He'll +break his neck. It's young Giles, my keeper's boy. Hi! Hi, there!' + +He scudded out to avert the tragedy, leaving Mike to digest his expert +advice on the art of batting on bad wickets. + +Possibly it was the excellence of this advice which induced Mike to +play what was, to date, the best innings of his life. There are moments +when the batsman feels an almost super-human fitness. This came to Mike +now. The sun had begun to shine strongly. It made the wicket more +difficult, but it added a cheerful touch to the scene. Mike felt calm +and masterful. The bowling had no terrors for him. He scored nine off +his first over and seven off his second, half-way through which he lost +his partner. He was to undergo a similar bereavement several times that +afternoon, and at frequent intervals. However simple the bowling might +seem to him, it had enough sting in it to worry the rest of the team +considerably. Batsmen came and went at the other end with such rapidity +that it seemed hardly worth while their troubling to come in at all. +Every now and then one would give promise of better things by lifting +the slow bowler into the pavilion or over the boundary, but it always +happened that a similar stroke, a few balls later, ended in an easy +catch. At five o'clock the Ilsworth score was eighty-one for seven +wickets, last man nought, Mike not out fifty-nine. As most of the house +team, including Mike, were dispersing to their homes or were due for +visits at other houses that night, stumps were to be drawn at six. It +was obvious that they could not hope to win. Number nine on the list, +who was Bagley, the ground-man, went in with instructions to play for a +draw, and minute advice from Mr Smith as to how he was to do it. Mike +had now begun to score rapidly, and it was not to be expected that he +could change his game; but Bagley, a dried-up little man of the type +which bowls for five hours on a hot August day without exhibiting any +symptoms of fatigue, put a much-bound bat stolidly in front of every +ball he received; and the Hall's prospects of saving the game grew +brighter. + +At a quarter to six the professional left, caught at very silly point +for eight. The score was a hundred and fifteen, of which Mike had made +eighty-five. + +A lengthy young man with yellow hair, who had done some good fast +bowling for the Hall during the week, was the next man in. In previous +matches he had hit furiously at everything, and against the Green +Jackets had knocked up forty in twenty minutes while Mike was putting +the finishing touches to his century. Now, however, with his host's +warning ringing in his ears, he adopted the unspectacular, or Bagley, +style of play. His manner of dealing with the ball was that of one +playing croquet. He patted it gingerly back to the bowler when it was +straight, and left it icily alone when it was off the wicket. Mike, +still in the brilliant vein, clumped a half-volley past point to the +boundary, and with highly scientific late cuts and glides brought his +score to ninety-eight. With Mike's score at this, the total at a +hundred and thirty, and the hands of the clock at five minutes to six, +the yellow-haired croquet exponent fell, as Bagley had fallen, a victim +to silly point, the ball being the last of the over. + +Mr Smith, who always went in last for his side, and who so far had not +received a single ball during the week, was down the pavilion steps and +half-way to the wicket before the retiring batsman had taken half a +dozen steps. + +'Last over,' said the wicket-keeper to Mike. 'Any idea how many you've +got? You must be near your century, I should think.' + +'Ninety-eight,' said Mike. He always counted his runs. + +'By Jove, as near as that? This is something like a finish.' + +Mike left the first ball alone, and the second. They were too wide of +the off-stump to be hit at safely. Then he felt a thrill as the third +ball left the bowler's hand. It was a long-hop. He faced square to pull +it. + +And at that moment Mr John Bickersdyke walked into his life across the +bowling-screen. + +He crossed the bowler's arm just before the ball pitched. Mike lost +sight of it for a fraction of a second, and hit wildly. The next moment +his leg stump was askew; and the Hall had lost the match. + +'I'm sorry,' he said to Mr Smith. 'Some silly idiot walked across the +screen just as the ball was bowled.' + +'What!' shouted Mr Smith. 'Who was the fool who walked behind the +bowler's arm?' he yelled appealingly to Space. + +'Here he comes, whoever he is,' said Mike. + +A short, stout man in a straw hat and a flannel suit was walking +towards them. As he came nearer Mike saw that he had a hard, thin-lipped +mouth, half-hidden by a rather ragged moustache, and that behind a pair +of gold spectacles were two pale and slightly protruding eyes, which, +like his mouth, looked hard. + +'How are you, Smith,' he said. + +'Hullo, Bickersdyke.' There was a slight internal struggle, and then Mr +Smith ceased to be the cricketer and became the host. He chatted +amiably to the new-comer. + +'You lost the game, I suppose,' said Mr Bickersdyke. + +The cricketer in Mr Smith came to the top again, blended now, however, +with the host. He was annoyed, but restrained in his annoyance. + +'I say, Bickersdyke, you know, my dear fellow,' he said complainingly, +'you shouldn't have walked across the screen. You put Jackson off, and +made him get bowled.' + +'The screen?' + +'That curious white object,' said Mike. 'It is not put up merely as an +ornament. There's a sort of rough idea of giving the batsman a chance +of seeing the ball, as well. It's a great help to him when people come +charging across it just as the bowler bowls.' + +Mr Bickersdyke turned a slightly deeper shade of purple, and was about +to reply, when what sporting reporters call 'the veritable ovation' +began. + +Quite a large crowd had been watching the game, and they expressed +their approval of Mike's performance. + +There is only one thing for a batsman to do on these occasions. Mike +ran into the pavilion, leaving Mr Bickersdyke standing. + + + + +2. Mike Hears Bad News + + +It seemed to Mike, when he got home, that there was a touch of gloom in +the air. His sisters were as glad to see him as ever. There was a good +deal of rejoicing going on among the female Jacksons because Joe had +scored his first double century in first-class cricket. Double +centuries are too common, nowadays, for the papers to take much notice +of them; but, still, it is not everybody who can make them, and the +occasion was one to be marked. Mike had read the news in the evening +paper in the train, and had sent his brother a wire from the station, +congratulating him. He had wondered whether he himself would ever +achieve the feat in first-class cricket. He did not see why he should +not. He looked forward through a long vista of years of county cricket. +He had a birth qualification for the county in which Mr Smith had +settled, and he had played for it once already at the beginning of the +holidays. His _debut_ had not been sensational, but it had been +promising. The fact that two members of the team had made centuries, +and a third seventy odd, had rather eclipsed his own twenty-nine not +out; but it had been a faultless innings, and nearly all the papers had +said that here was yet another Jackson, evidently well up to the family +standard, who was bound to do big things in the future. + +The touch of gloom was contributed by his brother Bob to a certain +extent, and by his father more noticeably. Bob looked slightly +thoughtful. Mr Jackson seemed thoroughly worried. + +Mike approached Bob on the subject in the billiard-room after dinner. +Bob was practising cannons in rather a listless way. + +'What's up, Bob?' asked Mike. + +Bob laid down his cue. + +'I'm hanged if I know,' said Bob. 'Something seems to be. Father's +worried about something.' + +'He looked as if he'd got the hump rather at dinner.' + +'I only got here this afternoon, about three hours before you did. I +had a bit of a talk with him before dinner. I can't make out what's up. +He seemed awfully keen on my finding something to do now I've come down +from Oxford. Wanted to know whether I couldn't get a tutoring job or a +mastership at some school next term. I said I'd have a shot. I don't +see what all the hurry's about, though. I was hoping he'd give me a bit +of travelling on the Continent somewhere before I started in.' + +'Rough luck,' said Mike. 'I wonder why it is. Jolly good about Joe, +wasn't it? Let's have fifty up, shall we?' + +Bob's remarks had given Mike no hint of impending disaster. It seemed +strange, of course, that his father, who had always been so easy-going, +should have developed a hustling Get On or Get Out spirit, and be +urging Bob to Do It Now; but it never occurred to him that there could +be any serious reason for it. After all, fellows had to start working +some time or other. Probably his father had merely pointed this out to +Bob, and Bob had made too much of it. + +Half-way through the game Mr Jackson entered the room, and stood +watching in silence. + +'Want a game, father?' asked Mike. + +'No, thanks, Mike. What is it? A hundred up?' + +'Fifty.' + +'Oh, then you'll be finished in a moment. When you are, I wish you'd +just look into the study for a moment, Mike. I want to have a talk with +you.' + +'Rum,' said Mike, as the door closed. 'I wonder what's up?' + +For a wonder his conscience was free. It was not as if a bad school-report +might have arrived in his absence. His Sedleigh report had come at +the beginning of the holidays, and had been, on the whole, fairly +decent--nothing startling either way. Mr Downing, perhaps through +remorse at having harried Mike to such an extent during the Sammy +episode, had exercised a studied moderation in his remarks. He had let +Mike down far more easily than he really deserved. So it could not be a +report that was worrying Mr Jackson. And there was nothing else on his +conscience. + +Bob made a break of sixteen, and ran out. Mike replaced his cue, and +walked to the study. + +His father was sitting at the table. Except for the very important fact +that this time he felt that he could plead Not Guilty on every possible +charge, Mike was struck by the resemblance in the general arrangement +of the scene to that painful ten minutes at the end of the previous +holidays, when his father had announced his intention of taking him +away from Wrykyn and sending him to Sedleigh. The resemblance was +increased by the fact that, as Mike entered, Mr Jackson was kicking at +the waste-paper basket--a thing which with him was an infallible sign +of mental unrest. + +'Sit down, Mike,' said Mr Jackson. 'How did you get on during the +week?' + +'Topping. Only once out under double figures. And then I was run out. +Got a century against the Green Jackets, seventy-one against the +Incogs, and today I made ninety-eight on a beast of a wicket, and only +got out because some silly goat of a chap--' + +He broke off. Mr Jackson did not seem to be attending. There was a +silence. Then Mr Jackson spoke with an obvious effort. + +'Look here, Mike, we've always understood one another, haven't we?' + +'Of course we have.' + +'You know I wouldn't do anything to prevent you having a good time, if +I could help it. I took you away from Wrykyn, I know, but that was a +special case. It was necessary. But I understand perfectly how keen you +are to go to Cambridge, and I wouldn't stand in the way for a minute, +if I could help it.' + +Mike looked at him blankly. This could only mean one thing. He was not +to go to the 'Varsity. But why? What had happened? When he had left for +the Smith's cricket week, his name had been down for King's, and the +whole thing settled. What could have happened since then? + +'But I can't help it,' continued Mr Jackson. + +'Aren't I going up to Cambridge, father?' stammered Mike. + +'I'm afraid not, Mike. I'd manage it if I possibly could. I'm just as +anxious to see you get your Blue as you are to get it. But it's kinder +to be quite frank. I can't afford to send you to Cambridge. I won't go +into details which you would not understand; but I've lost a very large +sum of money since I saw you last. So large that we shall have to +economize in every way. I shall let this house and take a much smaller +one. And you and Bob, I'm afraid, will have to start earning your +living. I know it's a terrible disappointment to you, old chap.' + +'Oh, that's all right,' said Mike thickly. There seemed to be something +sticking in his throat, preventing him from speaking. + +'If there was any possible way--' + +'No, it's all right, father, really. I don't mind a bit. It's awfully +rough luck on you losing all that.' + +There was another silence. The clock ticked away energetically on the +mantelpiece, as if glad to make itself heard at last. Outside, a +plaintive snuffle made itself heard. John, the bull-dog, Mike's +inseparable companion, who had followed him to the study, was getting +tired of waiting on the mat. Mike got up and opened the door. John +lumbered in. + +The movement broke the tension. + +'Thanks, Mike,' said Mr Jackson, as Mike started to leave the room, +'you're a sportsman.' + + + + +3. The New Era Begins + + +Details of what were in store for him were given to Mike next morning. +During his absence at Ilsworth a vacancy had been got for him in that +flourishing institution, the New Asiatic Bank; and he was to enter upon +his duties, whatever they might be, on the Tuesday of the following +week. It was short notice, but banks have a habit of swallowing their +victims rather abruptly. Mike remembered the case of Wyatt, who had had +just about the same amount of time in which to get used to the prospect +of Commerce. + +On the Monday morning a letter arrived from Psmith. Psmith was still +perturbed. 'Commerce,' he wrote, 'continues to boom. My pater referred +to Comrade Bickersdyke last night as a Merchant Prince. Comrade B. and +I do not get on well together. Purely for his own good, I drew him +aside yesterday and explained to him at great length the frightfulness +of walking across the bowling-screen. He seemed restive, but I was +firm. We parted rather with the Distant Stare than the Friendly Smile. +But I shall persevere. In many ways the casual observer would say that +he was hopeless. He is a poor performer at Bridge, as I was compelled +to hint to him on Saturday night. His eyes have no animated sparkle of +intelligence. And the cut of his clothes jars my sensitive soul to its +foundations. I don't wish to speak ill of a man behind his back, but I +must confide in you, as my Boyhood's Friend, that he wore a made-up tie +at dinner. But no more of a painful subject. I am working away at him +with a brave smile. Sometimes I think that I am succeeding. Then he +seems to slip back again. However,' concluded the letter, ending on an +optimistic note, 'I think that I shall make a man of him yet--some +day.' + +Mike re-read this letter in the train that took him to London. By this +time Psmith would know that his was not the only case in which Commerce +was booming. Mike had written to him by return, telling him of the +disaster which had befallen the house of Jackson. Mike wished he could +have told him in person, for Psmith had a way of treating unpleasant +situations as if he were merely playing at them for his own amusement. +Psmith's attitude towards the slings and arrows of outrageous Fortune +was to regard them with a bland smile, as if they were part of an +entertainment got up for his express benefit. + +Arriving at Paddington, Mike stood on the platform, waiting for his box +to emerge from the luggage-van, with mixed feelings of gloom and +excitement. The gloom was in the larger quantities, perhaps, but the +excitement was there, too. It was the first time in his life that he +had been entirely dependent on himself. He had crossed the Rubicon. The +occasion was too serious for him to feel the same helplessly furious +feeling with which he had embarked on life at Sedleigh. It was possible +to look on Sedleigh with quite a personal enmity. London was too big to +be angry with. It took no notice of him. It did not care whether he was +glad to be there or sorry, and there was no means of making it care. +That is the peculiarity of London. There is a sort of cold +unfriendliness about it. A city like New York makes the new arrival +feel at home in half an hour; but London is a specialist in what Psmith +in his letter had called the Distant Stare. You have to buy London's +good-will. + +Mike drove across the Park to Victoria, feeling very empty and small. +He had settled on Dulwich as the spot to get lodgings, partly because, +knowing nothing about London, he was under the impression that rooms +anywhere inside the four-mile radius were very expensive, but +principally because there was a school at Dulwich, and it would be a +comfort being near a school. He might get a game of fives there +sometimes, he thought, on a Saturday afternoon, and, in the summer, +occasional cricket. + +Wandering at a venture up the asphalt passage which leads from Dulwich +station in the direction of the College, he came out into Acacia Road. +There is something about Acacia Road which inevitably suggests +furnished apartments. A child could tell at a glance that it was +bristling with bed-sitting rooms. + +Mike knocked at the first door over which a card hung. + +There is probably no more depressing experience in the world than the +process of engaging furnished apartments. Those who let furnished +apartments seem to take no joy in the act. Like Pooh-Bah, they do it, +but it revolts them. + +In answer to Mike's knock, a female person opened the door. In +appearance she resembled a pantomime 'dame', inclining towards the +restrained melancholy of Mr Wilkie Bard rather than the joyous abandon +of Mr George Robey. Her voice she had modelled on the gramophone. Her +most recent occupation seemed to have been something with a good deal +of yellow soap in it. As a matter of fact--there are no secrets between +our readers and ourselves--she had been washing a shirt. A useful +occupation, and an honourable, but one that tends to produce a certain +homeliness in the appearance. + +She wiped a pair of steaming hands on her apron, and regarded Mike with +an eye which would have been markedly expressionless in a boiled fish. + +'Was there anything?' she asked. + +Mike felt that he was in for it now. He had not sufficient ease of +manner to back gracefully away and disappear, so he said that there was +something. In point of fact, he wanted a bed-sitting room. + +'Orkup stays,' said the pantomime dame. Which Mike interpreted to mean, +would he walk upstairs? + +The procession moved up a dark flight of stairs until it came to a +door. The pantomime dame opened this, and shuffled through. Mike stood +in the doorway, and looked in. + +It was a repulsive room. One of those characterless rooms which are +only found in furnished apartments. To Mike, used to the comforts of +his bedroom at home and the cheerful simplicity of a school dormitory, +it seemed about the most dismal spot he had ever struck. A sort of +Sargasso Sea among bedrooms. + +He looked round in silence. Then he said: 'Yes.' There did not seem +much else to say. + +'It's a nice room,' said the pantomime dame. Which was a black lie. It +was not a nice room. It never had been a nice room. And it did not seem +at all probable that it ever would be a nice room. But it looked cheap. +That was the great thing. Nobody could have the assurance to charge +much for a room like that. A landlady with a conscience might even have +gone to the length of paying people some small sum by way of +compensation to them for sleeping in it. + +'About what?' queried Mike. Cheapness was the great consideration. He +understood that his salary at the bank would be about four pounds ten a +month, to begin with, and his father was allowing him five pounds a +month. One does not do things _en prince_ on a hundred and +fourteen pounds a year. + +The pantomime dame became slightly more animated. Prefacing her remarks +by a repetition of her statement that it was a nice room, she went on +to say that she could 'do' it at seven and sixpence per week 'for +him'--giving him to understand, presumably, that, if the Shah of Persia +or Mr Carnegie ever applied for a night's rest, they would sigh in vain +for such easy terms. And that included lights. Coals were to be looked +on as an extra. 'Sixpence a scuttle.' Attendance was thrown in. + +Having stated these terms, she dribbled a piece of fluff under the bed, +after the manner of a professional Association footballer, and relapsed +into her former moody silence. + +Mike said he thought that would be all right. The pantomime dame +exhibited no pleasure. + +''Bout meals?' she said. 'You'll be wanting breakfast. Bacon, aigs, +an' that, I suppose?' + +Mike said he supposed so. + +'That'll be extra,' she said. 'And dinner? A chop, or a nice steak?' + +Mike bowed before this original flight of fancy. A chop or a nice steak +seemed to be about what he might want. + +'That'll be extra,' said the pantomime dame in her best Wilkie Bard +manner. + +Mike said yes, he supposed so. After which, having put down seven and +sixpence, one week's rent in advance, he was presented with a grubby +receipt and an enormous latchkey, and the _seance_ was at an end. +Mike wandered out of the house. A few steps took him to the railings +that bounded the College grounds. It was late August, and the evenings +had begun to close in. The cricket-field looked very cool and spacious +in the dim light, with the school buildings looming vague and shadowy +through the slight mist. The little gate by the railway bridge was not +locked. He went in, and walked slowly across the turf towards the big +clump of trees which marked the division between the cricket and +football fields. It was all very pleasant and soothing after the +pantomime dame and her stuffy bed-sitting room. He sat down on a bench +beside the second eleven telegraph-board, and looked across the ground +at the pavilion. For the first time that day he began to feel really +home-sick. Up till now the excitement of a strange venture had borne +him up; but the cricket-field and the pavilion reminded him so sharply +of Wrykyn. They brought home to him with a cutting distinctness, the +absolute finality of his break with the old order of things. Summers +would come and go, matches would be played on this ground with all the +glory of big scores and keen finishes; but he was done. 'He was a jolly +good bat at school. Top of the Wrykyn averages two years. But didn't do +anything after he left. Went into the city or something.' That was what +they would say of him, if they didn't quite forget him. + +The clock on the tower over the senior block chimed quarter after +quarter, but Mike sat on, thinking. It was quite late when he got up, +and began to walk back to Acacia Road. He felt cold and stiff and very +miserable. + + + + +4. First Steps in a Business Career + + +The City received Mike with the same aloofness with which the more +western portion of London had welcomed him on the previous day. Nobody +seemed to look at him. He was permitted to alight at St Paul's and make +his way up Queen Victoria Street without any demonstration. He followed +the human stream till he reached the Mansion House, and eventually +found himself at the massive building of the New Asiatic Bank, Limited. + +The difficulty now was to know how to make an effective entrance. There +was the bank, and here was he. How had he better set about breaking it +to the authorities that he had positively arrived and was ready to +start earning his four pound ten _per mensem_? Inside, the bank +seemed to be in a state of some confusion. Men were moving about in an +apparently irresolute manner. Nobody seemed actually to be working. As +a matter of fact, the business of a bank does not start very early in +the morning. Mike had arrived before things had really begun to move. +As he stood near the doorway, one or two panting figures rushed up the +steps, and flung themselves at a large book which stood on the counter +near the door. Mike was to come to know this book well. In it, if you +were an _employe_ of the New Asiatic Bank, you had to inscribe +your name every morning. It was removed at ten sharp to the +accountant's room, and if you reached the bank a certain number of +times in the year too late to sign, bang went your bonus. + +After a while things began to settle down. The stir and confusion +gradually ceased. All down the length of the bank, figures could be +seen, seated on stools and writing hieroglyphics in large letters. A +benevolent-looking man, with spectacles and a straggling grey beard, +crossed the gangway close to where Mike was standing. Mike put the +thing to him, as man to man. + +'Could you tell me,' he said, 'what I'm supposed to do? I've just +joined the bank.' The benevolent man stopped, and looked at him with a +pair of mild blue eyes. 'I think, perhaps, that your best plan would be +to see the manager,' he said. 'Yes, I should certainly do that. He will +tell you what work you have to do. If you will permit me, I will show +you the way.' + +'It's awfully good of you,' said Mike. He felt very grateful. After his +experience of London, it was a pleasant change to find someone who +really seemed to care what happened to him. His heart warmed to the +benevolent man. + +'It feels strange to you, perhaps, at first, Mr--' + +'Jackson.' + +'Mr Jackson. My name is Waller. I have been in the City some time, but +I can still recall my first day. But one shakes down. One shakes down +quite quickly. Here is the manager's room. If you go in, he will tell +you what to do.' + +'Thanks awfully,' said Mike. + +'Not at all.' He ambled off on the quest which Mike had interrupted, +turning, as he went, to bestow a mild smile of encouragement on the new +arrival. There was something about Mr Waller which reminded Mike +pleasantly of the White Knight in 'Alice through the Looking-glass.' + +Mike knocked at the managerial door, and went in. + +Two men were sitting at the table. The one facing the door was writing +when Mike went in. He continued to write all the time he was in the +room. Conversation between other people in his presence had apparently +no interest for him, nor was it able to disturb him in any way. + +The other man was talking into a telephone. Mike waited till he had +finished. Then he coughed. The man turned round. Mike had thought, as +he looked at his back and heard his voice, that something about his +appearance or his way of speaking was familiar. He was right. The man +in the chair was Mr Bickersdyke, the cross-screen pedestrian. + +These reunions are very awkward. Mike was frankly unequal to the +situation. Psmith, in his place, would have opened the conversation, +and relaxed the tension with some remark on the weather or the state of +the crops. Mike merely stood wrapped in silence, as in a garment. + +That the recognition was mutual was evident from Mr Bickersdyke's look. +But apart from this, he gave no sign of having already had the pleasure +of making Mike's acquaintance. He merely stared at him as if he were a +blot on the arrangement of the furniture, and said, 'Well?' + +The most difficult parts to play in real life as well as on the stage +are those in which no 'business' is arranged for the performer. It was +all very well for Mr Bickersdyke. He had been 'discovered sitting'. But +Mike had had to enter, and he wished now that there was something he +could do instead of merely standing and speaking. + +'I've come,' was the best speech he could think of. It was not a good +speech. It was too sinister. He felt that even as he said it. It was +the sort of thing Mephistopheles would have said to Faust by way of +opening conversation. And he was not sure, either, whether he ought not +to have added, 'Sir.' + +Apparently such subtleties of address were not necessary, for Mr +Bickersdyke did not start up and shout, 'This language to me!' or +anything of that kind. He merely said, 'Oh! And who are you?' + +'Jackson,' said Mike. It was irritating, this assumption on Mr +Bickersdyke's part that they had never met before. + +'Jackson? Ah, yes. You have joined the staff?' + +Mike rather liked this way of putting it. It lent a certain dignity to +the proceedings, making him feel like some important person for whose +services there had been strenuous competition. He seemed to see the +bank's directors being reassured by the chairman. ('I am happy to say, +gentlemen, that our profits for the past year are 3,000,006-2-2 1/2 +pounds--(cheers)--and'--impressively--'that we have finally succeeded +in inducing Mr Mike Jackson--(sensation)--to--er--in fact, to join the +staff!' (Frantic cheers, in which the chairman joined.) + +'Yes,' he said. + +Mr Bickersdyke pressed a bell on the table beside him, and picking up a +pen, began to write. Of Mike he took no further notice, leaving that +toy of Fate standing stranded in the middle of the room. + +After a few moments one of the men in fancy dress, whom Mike had seen +hanging about the gangway, and whom he afterwards found to be +messengers, appeared. Mr Bickersdyke looked up. + +'Ask Mr Bannister to step this way,' he said. + +The messenger disappeared, and presently the door opened again to admit +a shock-headed youth with paper cuff-protectors round his wrists. + +'This is Mr Jackson, a new member of the staff. He will take your place +in the postage department. You will go into the cash department, under +Mr Waller. Kindly show him what he has to do.' + +Mike followed Mr Bannister out. On the other side of the door the +shock-headed one became communicative. + +'Whew!' he said, mopping his brow. 'That's the sort of thing which +gives me the pip. When William came and said old Bick wanted to see me, +I said to him, "William, my boy, my number is up. This is the sack." I +made certain that Rossiter had run me in for something. He's been +waiting for a chance to do it for weeks, only I've been as good as gold +and haven't given it him. I pity you going into the postage. There's +one thing, though. If you can stick it for about a month, you'll get +through all right. Men are always leaving for the East, and then you +get shunted on into another department, and the next new man goes into +the postage. That's the best of this place. It's not like one of those +banks where you stay in London all your life. You only have three years +here, and then you get your orders, and go to one of the branches in +the East, where you're the dickens of a big pot straight away, with a +big screw and a dozen native Johnnies under you. Bit of all right, +that. I shan't get my orders for another two and a half years and more, +worse luck. Still, it's something to look forward to.' + +'Who's Rossiter?' asked Mike. + +'The head of the postage department. Fussy little brute. Won't leave +you alone. Always trying to catch you on the hop. There's one thing, +though. The work in the postage is pretty simple. You can't make many +mistakes, if you're careful. It's mostly entering letters and stamping +them.' + +They turned in at the door in the counter, and arrived at a desk which +ran parallel to the gangway. There was a high rack running along it, on +which were several ledgers. Tall, green-shaded electric lamps gave it +rather a cosy look. + +As they reached the desk, a little man with short, black whiskers +buzzed out from behind a glass screen, where there was another desk. + +'Where have you been, Bannister, where have you been? You must not +leave your work in this way. There are several letters waiting to be +entered. Where have you been?' + +'Mr Bickersdyke sent for me,' said Bannister, with the calm triumph of +one who trumps an ace. + +'Oh! Ah! Oh! Yes, very well. I see. But get to work, get to work. Who +is this?' + +'This is a new man. He's taking my place. I've been moved on to the +cash.' + +'Oh! Ah! Is your name Smith?' asked Mr Rossiter, turning to Mike. + +Mike corrected the rash guess, and gave his name. It struck him as a +curious coincidence that he should be asked if his name were Smith, of +all others. Not that it is an uncommon name. + +'Mr Bickersdyke told me to expect a Mr Smith. Well, well, perhaps there +are two new men. Mr Bickersdyke knows we are short-handed in this +department. But, come along, Bannister, come along. Show Jackson what +he has to do. We must get on. There is no time to waste.' + +He buzzed back to his lair. Bannister grinned at Mike. He was a +cheerful youth. His normal expression was a grin. + +'That's a sample of Rossiter,' he said. 'You'd think from the fuss he's +made that the business of the place was at a standstill till we got to +work. Perfect rot! There's never anything to do here till after lunch, +except checking the stamps and petty cash, and I've done that ages ago. +There are three letters. You may as well enter them. It all looks like +work. But you'll find the best way is to wait till you get a couple of +dozen or so, and then work them off in a batch. But if you see Rossiter +about, then start stamping something or writing something, or he'll run +you in for neglecting your job. He's a nut. I'm jolly glad I'm under +old Waller now. He's the pick of the bunch. The other heads of +departments are all nuts, and Bickersdyke's the nuttiest of the lot. +Now, look here. This is all you've got to do. I'll just show you, and +then you can manage for yourself. I shall have to be shunting off to my +own work in a minute.' + + + + +5. The Other Man + + +As Bannister had said, the work in the postage department was not +intricate. There was nothing much to do except enter and stamp letters, +and, at intervals, take them down to the post office at the end of the +street. The nature of the work gave Mike plenty of time for reflection. + +His thoughts became gloomy again. All this was very far removed from +the life to which he had looked forward. There are some people who take +naturally to a life of commerce. Mike was not of these. To him the +restraint of the business was irksome. He had been used to an open-air +life, and a life, in its way, of excitement. He gathered that he would +not be free till five o'clock, and that on the following day he would +come at ten and go at five, and the same every day, except Saturdays +and Sundays, all the year round, with a ten days' holiday. The monotony +of the prospect appalled him. He was not old enough to know what a +narcotic is Habit, and that one can become attached to and interested +in the most unpromising jobs. He worked away dismally at his letters +till he had finished them. Then there was nothing to do except sit and +wait for more. + +He looked through the letters he had stamped, and re-read the +addresses. Some of them were directed to people living in the country, +one to a house which he knew quite well, near to his own home in +Shropshire. It made him home-sick, conjuring up visions of shady +gardens and country sounds and smells, and the silver Severn gleaming +in the distance through the trees. About now, if he were not in this +dismal place, he would be lying in the shade in the garden with a book, +or wandering down to the river to boat or bathe. That envelope +addressed to the man in Shropshire gave him the worst moment he had +experienced that day. + +The time crept slowly on to one o'clock. At two minutes past Mike awoke +from a day-dream to find Mr Waller standing by his side. The cashier +had his hat on. + +'I wonder,' said Mr Waller, 'if you would care to come out to lunch. I +generally go about this time, and Mr Rossiter, I know, does not go out +till two. I thought perhaps that, being unused to the City, you might +have some difficulty in finding your way about.' + +'It's awfully good of you,' said Mike. 'I should like to.' + +The other led the way through the streets and down obscure alleys till +they came to a chop-house. Here one could have the doubtful pleasure of +seeing one's chop in its various stages of evolution. Mr Waller ordered +lunch with the care of one to whom lunch is no slight matter. Few +workers in the City do regard lunch as a trivial affair. It is the +keynote of their day. It is an oasis in a desert of ink and ledgers. +Conversation in city office deals, in the morning, with what one is +going to have for lunch, and in the afternoon with what one has had for +lunch. + +At intervals during the meal Mr Waller talked. Mike was content to +listen. There was something soothing about the grey-bearded one. + +'What sort of a man is Bickersdyke?' asked Mike. + +'A very able man. A very able man indeed. I'm afraid he's not popular +in the office. A little inclined, perhaps, to be hard on mistakes. I +can remember the time when he was quite different. He and I were fellow +clerks in Morton and Blatherwick's. He got on better than I did. A +great fellow for getting on. They say he is to be the Unionist +candidate for Kenningford when the time comes. A great worker, but +perhaps not quite the sort of man to be generally popular in an +office.' + +'He's a blighter,' was Mike's verdict. Mr Waller made no comment. Mike +was to learn later that the manager and the cashier, despite the fact +that they had been together in less prosperous days--or possibly +because of it--were not on very good terms. Mr Bickersdyke was a man of +strong prejudices, and he disliked the cashier, whom he looked down +upon as one who had climbed to a lower rung of the ladder than he +himself had reached. + +As the hands of the chop-house clock reached a quarter to two, Mr +Waller rose, and led the way back to the office, where they parted for +their respective desks. Gratitude for any good turn done to him was a +leading characteristic of Mike's nature, and he felt genuinely grateful +to the cashier for troubling to seek him out and be friendly to him. + +His three-quarters-of-an-hour absence had led to the accumulation of a +small pile of letters on his desk. He sat down and began to work them +off. The addresses continued to exercise a fascination for him. He was +miles away from the office, speculating on what sort of a man J. B. +Garside, Esq, was, and whether he had a good time at his house in +Worcestershire, when somebody tapped him on the shoulder. + +He looked up. + +Standing by his side, immaculately dressed as ever, with his eye-glass +fixed and a gentle smile on his face, was Psmith. + +Mike stared. + +'Commerce,' said Psmith, as he drew off his lavender gloves, 'has +claimed me for her own. Comrade of old, I, too, have joined this +blighted institution.' + +As he spoke, there was a whirring noise in the immediate neighbourhood, +and Mr Rossiter buzzed out from his den with the _esprit_ and +animation of a clock-work toy. + +'Who's here?' said Psmith with interest, removing his eye-glass, +polishing it, and replacing it in his eye. + +'Mr Jackson,' exclaimed Mr Rossiter. 'I really must ask you to be good +enough to come in from your lunch at the proper time. It was fully +seven minutes to two when you returned, and--' + +'That little more,' sighed Psmith, 'and how much is it!' + +'Who are you?' snapped Mr Rossiter, turning on him. + +'I shall be delighted, Comrade--' + +'Rossiter,' said Mike, aside. + +'Comrade Rossiter. I shall be delighted to furnish you with particulars +of my family history. As follows. Soon after the Norman Conquest, a +certain Sieur de Psmith grew tired of work--a family failing, +alas!--and settled down in this country to live peacefully for the +remainder of his life on what he could extract from the local +peasantry. He may be described as the founder of the family which +ultimately culminated in Me. Passing on--' + +Mr Rossiter refused to pass on. + +'What are you doing here? What have you come for?' + +'Work,' said Psmith, with simple dignity. 'I am now a member of the +staff of this bank. Its interests are my interests. Psmith, the +individual, ceases to exist, and there springs into being Psmith, the +cog in the wheel of the New Asiatic Bank; Psmith, the link in the +bank's chain; Psmith, the Worker. I shall not spare myself,' he +proceeded earnestly. 'I shall toil with all the accumulated energy of +one who, up till now, has only known what work is like from hearsay. +Whose is that form sitting on the steps of the bank in the morning, +waiting eagerly for the place to open? It is the form of Psmith, the +Worker. Whose is that haggard, drawn face which bends over a ledger +long after the other toilers have sped blithely westwards to dine at +Lyons' Popular Cafe? It is the face of Psmith, the Worker.' + +'I--' began Mr Rossiter. + +'I tell you,' continued Psmith, waving aside the interruption and +tapping the head of the department rhythmically in the region of the +second waistcoat-button with a long finger, 'I tell _you_, Comrade +Rossiter, that you have got hold of a good man. You and I together, not +forgetting Comrade Jackson, the pet of the Smart Set, will toil early +and late till we boost up this Postage Department into a shining model +of what a Postage Department should be. What that is, at present, I do +not exactly know. However. Excursion trains will be run from distant +shires to see this Postage Department. American visitors to London will +do it before going on to the Tower. And now,' he broke off, with a +crisp, businesslike intonation, 'I must ask you to excuse me. Much as I +have enjoyed this little chat, I fear it must now cease. The time has +come to work. Our trade rivals are getting ahead of us. The whisper +goes round, "Rossiter and Psmith are talking, not working," and other +firms prepare to pinch our business. Let me Work.' + +Two minutes later, Mr Rossiter was sitting at his desk with a dazed +expression, while Psmith, perched gracefully on a stool, entered +figures in a ledger. + + + + +6. Psmith Explains + + +For the space of about twenty-five minutes Psmith sat in silence, +concentrated on his ledger, the picture of the model bank-clerk. Then +he flung down his pen, slid from his stool with a satisfied sigh, and +dusted his waistcoat. 'A commercial crisis,' he said, 'has passed. The +job of work which Comrade Rossiter indicated for me has been completed +with masterly skill. The period of anxiety is over. The bank ceases to +totter. Are you busy, Comrade Jackson, or shall we chat awhile?' + +Mike was not busy. He had worked off the last batch of letters, and +there was nothing to do but to wait for the next, or--happy thought--to +take the present batch down to the post, and so get out into the +sunshine and fresh air for a short time. 'I rather think I'll nip down +to the post-office,' said he, 'You couldn't come too, I suppose?' + +'On the contrary,' said Psmith, 'I could, and will. A stroll will just +restore those tissues which the gruelling work of the last half-hour +has wasted away. It is a fearful strain, this commercial toil. Let us +trickle towards the post office. I will leave my hat and gloves as a +guarantee of good faith. The cry will go round, "Psmith has gone! Some +rival institution has kidnapped him!" Then they will see my hat,'--he +built up a foundation of ledgers, planted a long ruler in the middle, +and hung his hat on it--'my gloves,'--he stuck two pens into the desk +and hung a lavender glove on each--'and they will sink back swooning +with relief. The awful suspense will be over. They will say, "No, he +has not gone permanently. Psmith will return. When the fields are white +with daisies he'll return." And now, Comrade Jackson, lead me to this +picturesque little post-office of yours of which I have heard so much.' + +Mike picked up the long basket into which he had thrown the letters +after entering the addresses in his ledger, and they moved off down the +aisle. No movement came from Mr Rossiter's lair. Its energetic occupant +was hard at work. They could just see part of his hunched-up back. + +'I wish Comrade Downing could see us now,' said Psmith. 'He always set +us down as mere idlers. Triflers. Butterflies. It would be a wholesome +corrective for him to watch us perspiring like this in the cause of +Commerce.' + +'You haven't told me yet what on earth you're doing here,' said Mike. +'I thought you were going to the 'Varsity. Why the dickens are you in a +bank? Your pater hasn't lost his money, has he?' + +'No. There is still a tolerable supply of doubloons in the old oak +chest. Mine is a painful story.' + +'It always is,' said Mike. + +'You are very right, Comrade Jackson. I am the victim of Fate. Ah, so +you put the little chaps in there, do you?' he said, as Mike, reaching +the post-office, began to bundle the letters into the box. 'You seem to +have grasped your duties with admirable promptitude. It is the same +with me. I fancy we are both born men of Commerce. In a few years we +shall be pinching Comrade Bickersdyke's job. And talking of Comrade B. +brings me back to my painful story. But I shall never have time to tell +it to you during our walk back. Let us drift aside into this tea-shop. +We can order a buckwheat cake or a butter-nut, or something equally +succulent, and carefully refraining from consuming these dainties, I +will tell you all.' + +'Right O!' said Mike. + +'When last I saw you,' resumed Psmith, hanging Mike's basket on the +hat-stand and ordering two portions of porridge, 'you may remember that +a serious crisis in my affairs had arrived. My father inflamed with the +idea of Commerce had invited Comrade Bickersdyke--' + +'When did you know he was a manager here?' asked Mike. + +'At an early date. I have my spies everywhere. However, my pater +invited Comrade Bickersdyke to our house for the weekend. Things turned +out rather unfortunately. Comrade B. resented my purely altruistic +efforts to improve him mentally and morally. Indeed, on one occasion he +went so far as to call me an impudent young cub, and to add that he +wished he had me under him in his bank, where, he asserted, he would +knock some of the nonsense out of me. All very painful. I tell you, +Comrade Jackson, for the moment it reduced my delicately vibrating +ganglions to a mere frazzle. Recovering myself, I made a few blithe +remarks, and we then parted. I cannot say that we parted friends, but +at any rate I bore him no ill-will. I was still determined to make him +a credit to me. My feelings towards him were those of some kindly +father to his prodigal son. But he, if I may say so, was fairly on the +hop. And when my pater, after dinner the same night, played into his +hands by mentioning that he thought I ought to plunge into a career of +commerce, Comrade B. was, I gather, all over him. Offered to make a +vacancy for me in the bank, and to take me on at once. My pater, +feeling that this was the real hustle which he admired so much, had me +in, stated his case, and said, in effect, "How do we go?" I intimated +that Comrade Bickersdyke was my greatest chum on earth. So the thing +was fixed up and here I am. But you are not getting on with your +porridge, Comrade Jackson. Perhaps you don't care for porridge? Would +you like a finnan haddock, instead? Or a piece of shortbread? You have +only to say the word.' + +'It seems to me,' said Mike gloomily, 'that we are in for a pretty +rotten time of it in this bally bank. If Bickersdyke's got his knife +into us, he can make it jolly warm for us. He's got his knife into me +all right about that walking-across-the-screen business.' + +'True,' said Psmith, 'to a certain extent. It is an undoubted fact that +Comrade Bickersdyke will have a jolly good try at making life a +nuisance to us; but, on the other hand, I propose, so far as in me +lies, to make things moderately unrestful for him, here and there.' + +'But you can't,' objected Mike. 'What I mean to say is, it isn't like a +school. If you wanted to score off a master at school, you could always +rag and so on. But here you can't. How can you rag a man who's sitting +all day in a room of his own while you're sweating away at a desk at +the other end of the building?' + +'You put the case with admirable clearness, Comrade Jackson,' said +Psmith approvingly. 'At the hard-headed, common-sense business you +sneak the biscuit every time with ridiculous ease. But you do not know +all. I do not propose to do a thing in the bank except work. I shall be +a model as far as work goes. I shall be flawless. I shall bound to do +Comrade Rossiter's bidding like a highly trained performing dog. It is +outside the bank, when I have staggered away dazed with toil, that I +shall resume my attention to the education of Comrade Bickersdyke.' + +'But, dash it all, how can you? You won't see him. He'll go off home, +or to his club, or--' + +Psmith tapped him earnestly on the chest. + +'There, Comrade Jackson,' he said, 'you have hit the bull's-eye, rung +the bell, and gathered in the cigar or cocoanut according to choice. He +_will_ go off to his club. And I shall do precisely the same.' + +'How do you mean?' + +'It is this way. My father, as you may have noticed during your stay at +our stately home of England, is a man of a warm, impulsive character. +He does not always do things as other people would do them. He has his +own methods. Thus, he has sent me into the City to do the hard-working, +bank-clerk act, but at the same time he is allowing me just as large an +allowance as he would have given me if I had gone to the 'Varsity. +Moreover, while I was still at Eton he put my name up for his clubs, +the Senior Conservative among others. My pater belongs to four +clubs altogether, and in course of time, when my name comes up for +election, I shall do the same. Meanwhile, I belong to one, the Senior +Conservative. It is a bigger club than the others, and your name comes +up for election sooner. About the middle of last month a great yell of +joy made the West End of London shake like a jelly. The three thousand +members of the Senior Conservative had just learned that I had been +elected.' + +Psmith paused, and ate some porridge. + +'I wonder why they call this porridge,' he observed with mild interest. +'It would be far more manly and straightforward of them to give it its +real name. To resume. I have gleaned, from casual chit-chat with my +father, that Comrade Bickersdyke also infests the Senior Conservative. +You might think that that would make me, seeing how particular I am +about whom I mix with, avoid the club. Error. I shall go there every +day. If Comrade Bickersdyke wishes to emend any little traits in my +character of which he may disapprove, he shall never say that I did not +give him the opportunity. I shall mix freely with Comrade Bickersdyke +at the Senior Conservative Club. I shall be his constant companion. I +shall, in short, haunt the man. By these strenuous means I shall, as it +were, get a bit of my own back. And now,' said Psmith, rising, 'it +might be as well, perhaps, to return to the bank and resume our +commercial duties. I don't know how long you are supposed to be allowed +for your little trips to and from the post-office, but, seeing that the +distance is about thirty yards, I should say at a venture not more than +half an hour. Which is exactly the space of time which has flitted by +since we started out on this important expedition. Your devotion to +porridge, Comrade Jackson, has led to our spending about twenty-five +minutes in this hostelry.' + +'Great Scott,' said Mike, 'there'll be a row.' + +'Some slight temporary breeze, perhaps,' said Psmith. 'Annoying to men +of culture and refinement, but not lasting. My only fear is lest we may +have worried Comrade Rossiter at all. I regard Comrade Rossiter as an +elder brother, and would not cause him a moment's heart-burning for +worlds. However, we shall soon know,' he added, as they passed into the +bank and walked up the aisle, 'for there is Comrade Rossiter waiting to +receive us in person.' + +The little head of the Postage Department was moving restlessly about +in the neighbourhood of Psmith's and Mike's desk. + +'Am I mistaken,' said Psmith to Mike, 'or is there the merest suspicion +of a worried look on our chief's face? It seems to me that there is the +slightest soupcon of shadow about that broad, calm brow.' + + + + +7. Going into Winter Quarters + + +There was. + +Mr Rossiter had discovered Psmith's and Mike's absence about five +minutes after they had left the building. Ever since then, he had been +popping out of his lair at intervals of three minutes, to see whether +they had returned. Constant disappointment in this respect had rendered +him decidedly jumpy. When Psmith and Mike reached the desk, he was a +kind of human soda-water bottle. He fizzed over with questions, +reproofs, and warnings. + +'What does it mean? What does it mean?' he cried. 'Where have you been? +Where have you been?' + +'Poetry,' said Psmith approvingly. + +'You have been absent from your places for over half an hour. Why? Why? +Why? Where have you been? Where have you been? I cannot have this. It +is preposterous. Where have you been? Suppose Mr Bickersdyke had +happened to come round here. I should not have known what to say to +him.' + +'Never an easy man to chat with, Comrade Bickersdyke,' agreed Psmith. + +'You must thoroughly understand that you are expected to remain in your +places during business hours.' + +'Of course,' said Psmith, 'that makes it a little hard for Comrade +Jackson to post letters, does it not?' + +'Have you been posting letters?' + +'We have,' said Psmith. 'You have wronged us. Seeing our absent places +you jumped rashly to the conclusion that we were merely gadding about +in pursuit of pleasure. Error. All the while we were furthering the +bank's best interests by posting letters.' + +'You had no business to leave your place. Jackson is on the posting +desk.' + +'You are very right,' said Psmith, 'and it shall not occur again. It +was only because it was the first day, Comrade Jackson is not used to +the stir and bustle of the City. His nerve failed him. He shrank from +going to the post-office alone. So I volunteered to accompany him. +And,' concluded Psmith, impressively, 'we won safely through. Every +letter has been posted.' + +'That need not have taken you half an hour.' + +'True. And the actual work did not. It was carried through swiftly and +surely. But the nerve-strain had left us shaken. Before resuming our +more ordinary duties we had to refresh. A brief breathing-space, a +little coffee and porridge, and here we are, fit for work once more.' + +'If it occurs again, I shall report the matter to Mr Bickersdyke.' + +'And rightly so,' said Psmith, earnestly. 'Quite rightly so. +Discipline, discipline. That is the cry. There must be no shirking of +painful duties. Sentiment must play no part in business. Rossiter, the +man, may sympathise, but Rossiter, the Departmental head, must be +adamant.' + +Mr Rossiter pondered over this for a moment, then went off on a +side-issue. + +'What is the meaning of this foolery?' he asked, pointing to Psmith's +gloves and hat. 'Suppose Mr Bickersdyke had come round and seen them, +what should I have said?' + +'You would have given him a message of cheer. You would have said, "All +is well. Psmith has not left us. He will come back. And Comrade +Bickersdyke, relieved, would have--"' + +'You do not seem very busy, Mr Smith.' + +Both Psmith and Mr Rossiter were startled. + +Mr Rossiter jumped as if somebody had run a gimlet into him, and even +Psmith started slightly. They had not heard Mr Bickersdyke approaching. +Mike, who had been stolidly entering addresses in his ledger during the +latter part of the conversation, was also taken by surprise. + +Psmith was the first to recover. Mr Rossiter was still too confused for +speech, but Psmith took the situation in hand. + +'Apparently no,' he said, swiftly removing his hat from the ruler. 'In +reality, yes. Mr Rossiter and I were just scheming out a line of work +for me as you came up. If you had arrived a moment later, you would +have found me toiling.' + +'H'm. I hope I should. We do not encourage idling in this bank.' + +'Assuredly not,' said Psmith warmly. 'Most assuredly not. I would not +have it otherwise. I am a worker. A bee, not a drone. A +_Lusitania,_ not a limpet. Perhaps I have not yet that grip on my +duties which I shall soon acquire; but it is coming. It is coming. I +see daylight.' + +'H'm. I have only your word for it.' He turned to Mr Rossiter, who had +now recovered himself, and was as nearly calm as it was in his nature +to be. 'Do you find Mr Smith's work satisfactory, Mr Rossiter?' + +Psmith waited resignedly for an outburst of complaint respecting the +small matter that had been under discussion between the head of the +department and himself; but to his surprise it did not come. + +'Oh--ah--quite, quite, Mr Bickersdyke. I think he will very soon pick +things up.' + +Mr Bickersdyke turned away. He was a conscientious bank manager, and +one can only suppose that Mr Rossiter's tribute to the earnestness of +one of his _employes_ was gratifying to him. But for that, one would have +said that he was disappointed. + +'Oh, Mr Bickersdyke,' said Psmith. + +The manager stopped. + +'Father sent his kind regards to you,' said Psmith benevolently. + +Mr Bickersdyke walked off without comment. + +'An uncommonly cheery, companionable feller,' murmured Psmith, as he +turned to his work. + + +The first day anywhere, if one spends it in a sedentary fashion, always +seemed unending; and Mike felt as if he had been sitting at his desk +for weeks when the hour for departure came. A bank's day ends +gradually, reluctantly, as it were. At about five there is a sort of +stir, not unlike the stir in a theatre when the curtain is on the point +of falling. Ledgers are closed with a bang. Men stand about and talk +for a moment or two before going to the basement for their hats and +coats. Then, at irregular intervals, forms pass down the central aisle +and out through the swing doors. There is an air of relaxation over the +place, though some departments are still working as hard as ever under +a blaze of electric light. Somebody begins to sing, and an instant +chorus of protests and maledictions rises from all sides. Gradually, +however, the electric lights go out. The procession down the centre +aisle becomes more regular; and eventually the place is left to +darkness and the night watchman. + +The postage department was one of the last to be freed from duty. This +was due to the inconsiderateness of the other departments, which +omitted to disgorge their letters till the last moment. Mike as he grew +familiar with the work, and began to understand it, used to prowl round +the other departments during the afternoon and wrest letters from them, +usually receiving with them much abuse for being a nuisance and not +leaving honest workers alone. Today, however, he had to sit on till +nearly six, waiting for the final batch of correspondence. + +Psmith, who had waited patiently with him, though his own work was +finished, accompanied him down to the post office and back again to the +bank to return the letter basket; and they left the office together. + +'By the way,' said Psmith, 'what with the strenuous labours of the bank +and the disturbing interviews with the powers that be, I have omitted +to ask you where you are digging. Wherever it is, of course you must +clear out. It is imperative, in this crisis, that we should be +together. I have acquired a quite snug little flat in Clement's Inn. +There is a spare bedroom. It shall be yours.' + +'My dear chap,' said Mike, 'it's all rot. I can't sponge on you.' + +'You pain me, Comrade Jackson. I was not suggesting such a thing. We +are business men, hard-headed young bankers. I make you a business +proposition. I offer you the post of confidential secretary and adviser +to me in exchange for a comfortable home. The duties will be light. You +will be required to refuse invitations to dinner from crowned heads, +and to listen attentively to my views on Life. Apart from this, there +is little to do. So that's settled.' + +'It isn't,' said Mike. 'I--' + +'You will enter upon your duties tonight. Where are you suspended at +present?' + +'Dulwich. But, look here--' + +'A little more, and you'll get the sack. I tell you the thing is +settled. Now, let us hail yon taximeter cab, and desire the stern-faced +aristocrat on the box to drive us to Dulwich. We will then collect a +few of your things in a bag, have the rest off by train, come back in +the taxi, and go and bite a chop at the Carlton. This is a momentous +day in our careers, Comrade Jackson. We must buoy ourselves up.' + +Mike made no further objections. The thought of that bed-sitting room +in Acacia Road and the pantomime dame rose up and killed them. After +all, Psmith was not like any ordinary person. There would be no +question of charity. Psmith had invited him to the flat in exactly the +same spirit as he had invited him to his house for the cricket week. + +'You know,' said Psmith, after a silence, as they flitted through the +streets in the taximeter, 'one lives and learns. Were you so wrapped up +in your work this afternoon that you did not hear my very entertaining +little chat with Comrade Bickersdyke, or did it happen to come under +your notice? It did? Then I wonder if you were struck by the singular +conduct of Comrade Rossiter?' + +'I thought it rather decent of him not to give you away to that +blighter Bickersdyke.' + +'Admirably put. It was precisely that that struck me. He had his +opening, all ready made for him, but he refrained from depositing me in +the soup. I tell you, Comrade Jackson, my rugged old heart was touched. +I said to myself, "There must be good in Comrade Rossiter, after all. I +must cultivate him." I shall make it my business to be kind to our +Departmental head. He deserves the utmost consideration. His action +shone like a good deed in a wicked world. Which it was, of course. From +today onwards I take Comrade Rossiter under my wing. We seem to be +getting into a tolerably benighted quarter. Are we anywhere near? +"Through Darkest Dulwich in a Taximeter."' + +The cab arrived at Dulwich station, and Mike stood up to direct the +driver. They whirred down Acacia Road. Mike stopped the cab and got +out. A brief and somewhat embarrassing interview with the pantomime +dame, during which Mike was separated from a week's rent in lieu of +notice, and he was in the cab again, bound for Clement's Inn. + +His feelings that night differed considerably from the frame of mind in +which he had gone to bed the night before. It was partly a very +excellent dinner and partly the fact that Psmith's flat, though at +present in some disorder, was obviously going to be extremely +comfortable, that worked the change. But principally it was due to his +having found an ally. The gnawing loneliness had gone. He did not look +forward to a career of Commerce with any greater pleasure than before; +but there was no doubt that with Psmith, it would be easier to get +through the time after office hours. If all went well in the bank he +might find that he had not drawn such a bad ticket after all. + + + + +8. The Friendly Native + + +'The first principle of warfare,' said Psmith at breakfast next +morning, doling out bacon and eggs with the air of a medieval monarch +distributing largesse, 'is to collect a gang, to rope in allies, to +secure the cooperation of some friendly native. You may remember that +at Sedleigh it was partly the sympathetic cooperation of that record +blitherer, Comrade Jellicoe, which enabled us to nip the pro-Spiller +movement in the bud. It is the same in the present crisis. What Comrade +Jellicoe was to us at Sedleigh, Comrade Rossiter must be in the City. +We must make an ally of that man. Once I know that he and I are as +brothers, and that he will look with a lenient and benevolent eye on +any little shortcomings in my work, I shall be able to devote my +attention whole-heartedly to the moral reformation of Comrade +Bickersdyke, that man of blood. I look on Comrade Bickersdyke as a +bargee of the most pronounced type; and anything I can do towards +making him a decent member of Society shall be done freely and +ungrudgingly. A trifle more tea, Comrade Jackson?' + +'No, thanks,' said Mike. 'I've done. By Jove, Smith, this flat of yours +is all right.' + +'Not bad,' assented Psmith, 'not bad. Free from squalor to a great +extent. I have a number of little objects of _vertu_ coming down +shortly from the old homestead. Pictures, and so on. It will be by no +means un-snug when they are up. Meanwhile, I can rough it. We are old +campaigners, we Psmiths. Give us a roof, a few comfortable chairs, a +sofa or two, half a dozen cushions, and decent meals, and we do not +repine. Reverting once more to Comrade Rossiter--' + +'Yes, what about him?' said Mike. 'You'll have a pretty tough job +turning him into a friendly native, I should think. How do you mean to +start?' + +Psmith regarded him with a benevolent eye. + +'There is but one way,' he said. 'Do you remember the case of Comrade +Outwood, at Sedleigh? How did we corral him, and become to him +practically as long-lost sons?' + +'We got round him by joining the Archaeological Society.' + +'Precisely,' said Psmith. 'Every man has his hobby. The thing is to +find it out. In the case of comrade Rossiter, I should say that it +would be either postage stamps, dried seaweed, or Hall Caine. I shall +endeavour to find out today. A few casual questions, and the thing is +done. Shall we be putting in an appearance at the busy hive now? If we +are to continue in the running for the bonus stakes, it would be well +to start soon.' + +Mike's first duty at the bank that morning was to check the stamps and +petty cash. While he was engaged on this task, he heard Psmith +conversing affably with Mr Rossiter. + +'Good morning,' said Psmith. + +'Morning,' replied his chief, doing sleight-of-hand tricks with a +bundle of letters which lay on his desk. 'Get on with your work, +Psmith. We have a lot before us.' + +'Undoubtedly. I am all impatience. I should say that in an institution +like this, dealing as it does with distant portions of the globe, a +philatelist would have excellent opportunities of increasing his +collection. With me, stamp-collecting has always been a positive craze. +I--' + +'I have no time for nonsense of that sort myself,' said Mr Rossiter. 'I +should advise you, if you mean to get on, to devote more time to your +work and less to stamps.' + +'I will start at once. Dried seaweed, again--' + +'Get on with your work, Smith.' + +Psmith retired to his desk. + +'This,' he said to Mike, 'is undoubtedly something in the nature of a +set-back. I have drawn blank. The papers bring out posters, "Psmith +Baffled." I must try again. Meanwhile, to work. Work, the hobby of the +philosopher and the poor man's friend.' + +The morning dragged slowly on without incident. At twelve o'clock Mike +had to go out and buy stamps, which he subsequently punched in the +punching-machine in the basement, a not very exhilarating job in which +he was assisted by one of the bank messengers, who discoursed learnedly +on roses during the _seance_. Roses were his hobby. Mike began to +see that Psmith had reason in his assumption that the way to every +man's heart was through his hobby. Mike made a firm friend of William, +the messenger, by displaying an interest and a certain knowledge of +roses. At the same time the conversation had the bad effect of leading +to an acute relapse in the matter of homesickness. The rose-garden at +home had been one of Mike's favourite haunts on a summer afternoon. The +contrast between it and the basement of the new Asiatic Bank, the +atmosphere of which was far from being roselike, was too much for his +feelings. He emerged from the depths, with his punched stamps, filled +with bitterness against Fate. + +He found Psmith still baffled. + +'Hall Caine,' said Psmith regretfully, 'has also proved a frost. I +wandered round to Comrade Rossiter's desk just now with a rather brainy +excursus on "The Eternal City", and was received with the Impatient +Frown rather than the Glad Eye. He was in the middle of adding up a +rather tricky column of figures, and my remarks caused him to drop a +stitch. So far from winning the man over, I have gone back. There now +exists between Comrade Rossiter and myself a certain coldness. Further +investigations will be postponed till after lunch.' + +The postage department received visitors during the morning. Members of +other departments came with letters, among them Bannister. Mr Rossiter +was away in the manager's room at the time. + +'How are you getting on?' said Bannister to Mike. + +'Oh, all right,' said Mike. + +'Had any trouble with Rossiter yet?' + +'No, not much.' + +'He hasn't run you in to Bickersdyke?' + +'No.' + +'Pardon my interrupting a conversation between old college chums,' said +Psmith courteously, 'but I happened to overhear, as I toiled at my +desk, the name of Comrade Rossiter.' + +Bannister looked somewhat startled. Mike introduced them. + +'This is Smith,' he said. 'Chap I was at school with. This is +Bannister, Smith, who used to be on here till I came.' + +'In this department?' asked Psmith. + +'Yes.' + +'Then, Comrade Bannister, you are the very man I have been looking for. +Your knowledge will be invaluable to us. I have no doubt that, during +your stay in this excellently managed department, you had many +opportunities of observing Comrade Rossiter?' + +'I should jolly well think I had,' said Bannister with a laugh. 'He saw +to that. He was always popping out and cursing me about something.' + +'Comrade Rossiter's manners are a little restive,' agreed Psmith. 'What +used you to talk to him about?' + +'What used I to talk to him about?' + +'Exactly. In those interviews to which you have alluded, how did you +amuse, entertain Comrade Rossiter?' + +'I didn't. He used to do all the talking there was.' + +Psmith straightened his tie, and clicked his tongue, disappointed. + +'This is unfortunate,' he said, smoothing his hair. 'You see, Comrade +Bannister, it is this way. In the course of my professional duties, I +find myself continually coming into contact with Comrade Rossiter.' + +'I bet you do,' said Bannister. + +'On these occasions I am frequently at a loss for entertaining +conversation. He has no difficulty, as apparently happened in your +case, in keeping up his end of the dialogue. The subject of my +shortcomings provides him with ample material for speech. I, on the +other hand, am dumb. I have nothing to say.' + +'I should think that was a bit of a change for you, wasn't it?' + +'Perhaps, so,' said Psmith, 'perhaps so. On the other hand, however +restful it may be to myself, it does not enable me to secure Comrade +Rossiter's interest and win his esteem.' + +'What Smith wants to know,' said Mike, 'is whether Rossiter has any +hobby of any kind. He thinks, if he has, he might work it to keep in +with him.' + +Psmith, who had been listening with an air of pleased interest, much as +a father would listen to his child prattling for the benefit of a +visitor, confirmed this statement. + +'Comrade Jackson,' he said, 'has put the matter with his usual +admirable clearness. That is the thing in a nutshell. Has Comrade +Rossiter any hobby that you know of? Spillikins, brass-rubbing, the +Near Eastern Question, or anything like that? I have tried him with +postage-stamps (which you'd think, as head of a postage department, he +ought to be interested in), and dried seaweed, Hall Caine, but I have +the honour to report total failure. The man seems to have no pleasures. +What does he do with himself when the day's toil is ended? That giant +brain must occupy itself somehow.' + +'I don't know,' said Bannister, 'unless it's football. I saw him once +watching Chelsea. I was rather surprised.' + +'Football,' said Psmith thoughtfully, 'football. By no means a scaly +idea. I rather fancy, Comrade Bannister, that you have whanged the nail +on the head. Is he strong on any particular team? I mean, have you ever +heard him, in the intervals of business worries, stamping on his desk +and yelling, "Buck up Cottagers!" or "Lay 'em out, Pensioners!" or +anything like that? One moment.' Psmith held up his hand. 'I will get +my Sherlock Holmes system to work. What was the other team in the +modern gladiatorial contest at which you saw Comrade Rossiter?' + +'Manchester United.' + +'And Comrade Rossiter, I should say, was a Manchester man.' + +'I believe he is.' + +'Then I am prepared to bet a small sum that he is nuts on Manchester +United. My dear Holmes, how--! Elementary, my dear fellow, quite +elementary. But here comes the lad in person.' + +Mr Rossiter turned in from the central aisle through the counter-door, +and, observing the conversational group at the postage-desk, came +bounding up. Bannister moved off. + +'Really, Smith,' said Mr Rossiter, 'you always seem to be talking. I +have overlooked the matter once, as I did not wish to get you into +trouble so soon after joining; but, really, it cannot go on. I must +take notice of it.' + +Psmith held up his hand. + +'The fault was mine,' he said, with manly frankness. 'Entirely mine. +Bannister came in a purely professional spirit to deposit a letter with +Comrade Jackson. I engaged him in conversation on the subject of the +Football League, and I was just trying to correct his view that +Newcastle United were the best team playing, when you arrived.' + +'It is perfectly absurd,' said Mr Rossiter, 'that you should waste the +bank's time in this way. The bank pays you to work, not to talk about +professional football.' + +'Just so, just so,' murmured Psmith. + +'There is too much talking in this department.' + +'I fear you are right.' + +'It is nonsense.' + +'My own view,' said Psmith, 'was that Manchester United were by far the +finest team before the public.' + +'Get on with your work, Smith.' + +Mr Rossiter stumped off to his desk, where he sat as one in thought. + +'Smith,' he said at the end of five minutes. + +Psmith slid from his stool, and made his way deferentially towards him. + +'Bannister's a fool,' snapped Mr Rossiter. + +'So I thought,' said Psmith. + +'A perfect fool. He always was.' + +Psmith shook his head sorrowfully, as who should say, 'Exit Bannister.' + +'There is no team playing today to touch Manchester United.' + +'Precisely what I said to Comrade Bannister.' + +'Of course. You know something about it.' + +'The study of League football,' said Psmith, 'has been my relaxation +for years.' + +'But we have no time to discuss it now.' + +'Assuredly not, sir. Work before everything.' + +'Some other time, when--' + +'--We are less busy. Precisely.' + +Psmith moved back to his seat. + +'I fear,' he said to Mike, as he resumed work, 'that as far as Comrade +Rossiter's friendship and esteem are concerned, I have to a certain +extent landed Comrade Bannister in the bouillon; but it was in a good +cause. I fancy we have won through. Half an hour's thoughtful perusal +of the "Footballers' Who's Who", just to find out some elementary facts +about Manchester United, and I rather think the friendly Native is +corralled. And now once more to work. Work, the hobby of the hustler +and the deadbeat's dread.' + + + + +9. The Haunting of Mr Bickersdyke + + +Anything in the nature of a rash and hasty move was wholly foreign to +Psmith's tactics. He had the patience which is the chief quality of the +successful general. He was content to secure his base before making any +offensive movement. It was a fortnight before he turned his attention +to the education of Mr Bickersdyke. During that fortnight he conversed +attractively, in the intervals of work, on the subject of League +football in general and Manchester United in particular. The subject is +not hard to master if one sets oneself earnestly to it; and Psmith +spared no pains. The football editions of the evening papers are not +reticent about those who play the game: and Psmith drank in every +detail with the thoroughness of the conscientious student. By the end +of the fortnight he knew what was the favourite breakfast-food of J. +Turnbull; what Sandy Turnbull wore next his skin; and who, in the +opinion of Meredith, was England's leading politician. These facts, +imparted to and discussed with Mr Rossiter, made the progress of the +_entente cordiale_ rapid. It was on the eighth day that Mr +Rossiter consented to lunch with the Old Etonian. On the tenth he +played the host. By the end of the fortnight the flapping of the white +wings of Peace over the Postage Department was setting up a positive +draught. Mike, who had been introduced by Psmith as a distant relative +of Moger, the goalkeeper, was included in the great peace. + +'So that now,' said Psmith, reflectively polishing his eye-glass, 'I +think that we may consider ourselves free to attend to Comrade +Bickersdyke. Our bright little Mancunian friend would no more run us in +now than if we were the brothers Turnbull. We are as inside forwards to +him.' + +The club to which Psmith and Mr Bickersdyke belonged was celebrated for +the steadfastness of its political views, the excellence of its +cuisine, and the curiously Gorgonzolaesque marble of its main +staircase. It takes all sorts to make a world. It took about four +thousand of all sorts to make the Senior Conservative Club. To be +absolutely accurate, there were three thousand seven hundred and +eighteen members. + +To Mr Bickersdyke for the next week it seemed as if there was only one. + +There was nothing crude or overdone about Psmith's methods. The +ordinary man, having conceived the idea of haunting a fellow clubman, +might have seized the first opportunity of engaging him in +conversation. Not so Psmith. The first time he met Mr Bickersdyke in +the club was on the stairs after dinner one night. The great man, +having received practical proof of the excellence of cuisine referred +to above, was coming down the main staircase at peace with all men, +when he was aware of a tall young man in the 'faultless evening dress' +of which the female novelist is so fond, who was regarding him with a +fixed stare through an eye-glass. The tall young man, having caught his +eye, smiled faintly, nodded in a friendly but patronizing manner, and +passed on up the staircase to the library. Mr Bickersdyke sped on in +search of a waiter. + +As Psmith sat in the library with a novel, the waiter entered, and +approached him. + +'Beg pardon, sir,' he said. 'Are you a member of this club?' + +Psmith fumbled in his pocket and produced his eye-glass, through which +he examined the waiter, button by button. + +'I am Psmith,' he said simply. + +'A member, sir?' + +'_The_ member,' said Psmith. 'Surely you participated in the +general rejoicings which ensued when it was announced that I had been +elected? But perhaps you were too busy working to pay any attention. If +so, I respect you. I also am a worker. A toiler, not a flatfish. A +sizzler, not a squab. Yes, I am a member. Will you tell Mr Bickersdyke +that I am sorry, but I have been elected, and have paid my entrance fee +and subscription.' + +'Thank you, sir.' + +The waiter went downstairs and found Mr Bickersdyke in the lower +smoking-room. + +'The gentleman says he is, sir.' + +'H'm,' said the bank-manager. 'Coffee and Benedictine, and a cigar.' + +'Yes, sir.' + +On the following day Mr Bickersdyke met Psmith in the club three times, +and on the day after that seven. Each time the latter's smile was +friendly, but patronizing. Mr Bickersdyke began to grow restless. + +On the fourth day Psmith made his first remark. The manager was reading +the evening paper in a corner, when Psmith sinking gracefully into a +chair beside him, caused him to look up. + +'The rain keeps off,' said Psmith. + +Mr Bickersdyke looked as if he wished his employee would imitate the +rain, but he made no reply. + +Psmith called a waiter. + +'Would you mind bringing me a small cup of coffee?' he said. 'And for +you,' he added to Mr Bickersdyke. + +'Nothing,' growled the manager. + +'And nothing for Mr Bickersdyke.' + +The waiter retired. Mr Bickersdyke became absorbed in his paper. + +'I see from my morning paper,' said Psmith, affably, 'that you are to +address a meeting at the Kenningford Town Hall next week. I shall come +and hear you. Our politics differ in some respects, I fear--I incline +to the Socialist view--but nevertheless I shall listen to your remarks +with great interest, great interest.' + +The paper rustled, but no reply came from behind it. + +'I heard from father this morning,' resumed Psmith. + +Mr Bickersdyke lowered his paper and glared at him. + +'I don't wish to hear about your father,' he snapped. + +An expression of surprise and pain came over Psmith's face. + +'What!' he cried. 'You don't mean to say that there is any coolness +between my father and you? I am more grieved than I can say. Knowing, +as I do, what a genuine respect my father has for your great talents, I +can only think that there must have been some misunderstanding. Perhaps +if you would allow me to act as a mediator--' + +Mr Bickersdyke put down his paper and walked out of the room. + +Psmith found him a quarter of an hour later in the card-room. He sat +down beside his table, and began to observe the play with silent +interest. Mr Bickersdyke, never a great performer at the best of times, +was so unsettled by the scrutiny that in the deciding game of the +rubber he revoked, thereby presenting his opponents with the rubber by +a very handsome majority of points. Psmith clicked his tongue +sympathetically. + +Dignified reticence is not a leading characteristic of the +bridge-player's manner at the Senior Conservative Club on occasions +like this. Mr Bickersdyke's partner did not bear his calamity with +manly resignation. He gave tongue on the instant. 'What on earth's', +and 'Why on earth's' flowed from his mouth like molten lava. Mr +Bickersdyke sat and fermented in silence. Psmith clicked his tongue +sympathetically throughout. + +Mr Bickersdyke lost that control over himself which every member of a +club should possess. He turned on Psmith with a snort of frenzy. + +'How can I keep my attention fixed on the game when you sit staring at +me like a--like a--' + +'I am sorry,' said Psmith gravely, 'if my stare falls short in any way +of your ideal of what a stare should be; but I appeal to these +gentlemen. Could I have watched the game more quietly?' + +'Of course not,' said the bereaved partner warmly. 'Nobody could have +any earthly objection to your behaviour. It was absolute carelessness. +I should have thought that one might have expected one's partner at a +club like this to exercise elementary--' + +But Mr Bickersdyke had gone. He had melted silently away like the +driven snow. + +Psmith took his place at the table. + +'A somewhat nervous excitable man, Mr Bickersdyke, I should say,' he +observed. + +'A somewhat dashed, blanked idiot,' emended the bank-manager's late +partner. 'Thank goodness he lost as much as I did. That's some light +consolation.' + +Psmith arrived at the flat to find Mike still out. Mike had repaired to +the Gaiety earlier in the evening to refresh his mind after the labours +of the day. When he returned, Psmith was sitting in an armchair with +his feet on the mantelpiece, musing placidly on Life. + +'Well?' said Mike. + +'Well? And how was the Gaiety? Good show?' + +'Jolly good. What about Bickersdyke?' + +Psmith looked sad. + +'I cannot make Comrade Bickersdyke out,' he said. 'You would think that +a man would be glad to see the son of a personal friend. On the +contrary, I may be wronging Comrade B., but I should almost be inclined +to say that my presence in the Senior Conservative Club tonight +irritated him. There was no _bonhomie_ in his manner. He seemed to +me to be giving a spirited imitation of a man about to foam at the +mouth. I did my best to entertain him. I chatted. His only reply was to +leave the room. I followed him to the card-room, and watched his very +remarkable and brainy tactics at bridge, and he accused me of causing +him to revoke. A very curious personality, that of Comrade Bickersdyke. +But let us dismiss him from our minds. Rumours have reached me,' said +Psmith, 'that a very decent little supper may be obtained at a quaint, +old-world eating-house called the Savoy. Will you accompany me thither +on a tissue-restoring expedition? It would be rash not to probe these +rumours to their foundation, and ascertain their exact truth.' + + + + +10. Mr Bickersdyke Addresses His Constituents + + +It was noted by the observant at the bank next morning that Mr +Bickersdyke had something on his mind. William, the messenger, knew it, +when he found his respectful salute ignored. Little Briggs, the +accountant, knew it when his obsequious but cheerful 'Good morning' was +acknowledged only by a 'Morn'' which was almost an oath. Mr Bickersdyke +passed up the aisle and into his room like an east wind. He sat down at +his table and pressed the bell. Harold, William's brother and +co-messenger, entered with the air of one ready to duck if any missile +should be thrown at him. The reports of the manager's frame of mind had +been circulated in the office, and Harold felt somewhat apprehensive. +It was on an occasion very similar to this that George Barstead, +formerly in the employ of the New Asiatic Bank in the capacity of +messenger, had been rash enough to laugh at what he had taken for a +joke of Mr Bickersdyke's, and had been instantly presented with the +sack for gross impertinence. + +'Ask Mr Smith--' began the manager. Then he paused. 'No, never mind,' +he added. + +Harold remained in the doorway, puzzled. + +'Don't stand there gaping at me, man,' cried Mr Bickersdyke, 'Go away.' + +Harold retired and informed his brother, William, that in his, +Harold's, opinion, Mr Bickersdyke was off his chump. + +'Off his onion,' said William, soaring a trifle higher in poetic +imagery. + +'Barmy,' was the terse verdict of Samuel Jakes, the third messenger. +'Always said so.' And with that the New Asiatic Bank staff of +messengers dismissed Mr Bickersdyke and proceeded to concentrate +themselves on their duties, which consisted principally of hanging +about and discussing the prophecies of that modern seer, Captain Coe. + +What had made Mr Bickersdyke change his mind so abruptly was the sudden +realization of the fact that he had no case against Psmith. In his +capacity of manager of the bank he could not take official notice of +Psmith's behaviour outside office hours, especially as Psmith had done +nothing but stare at him. It would be impossible to make anybody +understand the true inwardness of Psmith's stare. Theoretically, Mr +Bickersdyke had the power to dismiss any subordinate of his whom he did +not consider satisfactory, but it was a power that had to be exercised +with discretion. The manager was accountable for his actions to the +Board of Directors. If he dismissed Psmith, Psmith would certainly +bring an action against the bank for wrongful dismissal, and on the +evidence he would infallibly win it. Mr Bickersdyke did not welcome the +prospect of having to explain to the Directors that he had let the +shareholders of the bank in for a fine of whatever a discriminating +jury cared to decide upon, simply because he had been stared at while +playing bridge. His only hope was to catch Psmith doing his work badly. + +He touched the bell again, and sent for Mr Rossiter. + +The messenger found the head of the Postage Department in conversation +with Psmith. Manchester United had been beaten by one goal to nil on +the previous afternoon, and Psmith was informing Mr Rossiter that the +referee was a robber, who had evidently been financially interested in +the result of the game. The way he himself looked at it, said Psmith, +was that the thing had been a moral victory for the United. Mr Rossiter +said yes, he thought so too. And it was at this moment that Mr +Bickersdyke sent for him to ask whether Psmith's work was satisfactory. + +The head of the Postage Department gave his opinion without hesitation. +Psmith's work was about the hottest proposition he had ever struck. +Psmith's work--well, it stood alone. You couldn't compare it with +anything. There are no degrees in perfection. Psmith's work was +perfect, and there was an end to it. + +He put it differently, but that was the gist of what he said. + +Mr Bickersdyke observed he was glad to hear it, and smashed a nib by +stabbing the desk with it. + +It was on the evening following this that the bank-manager was due to +address a meeting at the Kenningford Town Hall. + +He was looking forward to the event with mixed feelings. He had stood +for Parliament once before, several years back, in the North. He had +been defeated by a couple of thousand votes, and he hoped that the +episode had been forgotten. Not merely because his defeat had been +heavy. There was another reason. On that occasion he had stood as a +Liberal. He was standing for Kenningford as a Unionist. Of course, a +man is at perfect liberty to change his views, if he wishes to do so, +but the process is apt to give his opponents a chance of catching him +(to use the inspired language of the music-halls) on the bend. Mr +Bickersdyke was rather afraid that the light-hearted electors of +Kenningford might avail themselves of this chance. + +Kenningford, S.E., is undoubtedly by way of being a tough sort of +place. Its inhabitants incline to a robust type of humour, which finds +a verbal vent in catch phrases and expends itself physically in +smashing shop-windows and kicking policemen. He feared that the meeting +at the Town Hall might possibly be a trifle rowdy. + +All political meetings are very much alike. Somebody gets up and +introduces the speaker of the evening, and then the speaker of the +evening says at great length what he thinks of the scandalous manner in +which the Government is behaving or the iniquitous goings-on of the +Opposition. From time to time confederates in the audience rise and ask +carefully rehearsed questions, and are answered fully and +satisfactorily by the orator. When a genuine heckler interrupts, the +orator either ignores him, or says haughtily that he can find him +arguments but cannot find him brains. Or, occasionally, when the +question is an easy one, he answers it. A quietly conducted political +meeting is one of England's most delightful indoor games. When the +meeting is rowdy, the audience has more fun, but the speaker a good +deal less. + +Mr Bickersdyke's introducer was an elderly Scotch peer, an excellent +man for the purpose in every respect, except that he possessed a very +strong accent. + +The audience welcomed that accent uproariously. The electors of +Kenningford who really had any definite opinions on politics were +fairly equally divided. There were about as many earnest Liberals as +there were earnest Unionists. But besides these there was a strong +contingent who did not care which side won. These looked on elections +as Heaven-sent opportunities for making a great deal of noise. They +attended meetings in order to extract amusement from them; and they +voted, if they voted at all, quite irresponsibly. A funny story at the +expense of one candidate told on the morning of the polling, was quite +likely to send these brave fellows off in dozens filling in their +papers for the victim's opponent. + +There was a solid block of these gay spirits at the back of the hall. +They received the Scotch peer with huge delight. He reminded them of +Harry Lauder and they said so. They addressed him affectionately as +'Arry', throughout his speech, which was rather long. They implored him +to be a pal and sing 'The Saftest of the Family'. Or, failing that, 'I +love a lassie'. Finding they could not induce him to do this, they did +it themselves. They sang it several times. When the peer, having +finished his remarks on the subject of Mr Bickersdyke, at length sat +down, they cheered for seven minutes, and demanded an encore. + +The meeting was in excellent spirits when Mr Bickersdyke rose to +address it. + +The effort of doing justice to the last speaker had left the free and +independent electors at the back of the hall slightly limp. The +bank-manager's opening remarks were received without any demonstration. + +Mr Bickersdyke spoke well. He had a penetrating, if harsh, voice, and +he said what he had to say forcibly. Little by little the audience came +under his spell. When, at the end of a well-turned sentence, he paused +and took a sip of water, there was a round of applause, in which many +of the admirers of Mr Harry Lauder joined. + +He resumed his speech. The audience listened intently. Mr Bickersdyke, +having said some nasty things about Free Trade and the Alien Immigrant, +turned to the Needs of the Navy and the necessity of increasing the +fleet at all costs. + +'This is no time for half-measures,' he said. 'We must do our utmost. +We must burn our boats--' + +'Excuse me,' said a gentle voice. + +Mr Bickersdyke broke off. In the centre of the hall a tall figure had +risen. Mr Bickersdyke found himself looking at a gleaming eye-glass +which the speaker had just polished and inserted in his eye. + +The ordinary heckler Mr Bickersdyke would have taken in his stride. He +had got his audience, and simply by continuing and ignoring the +interruption, he could have won through in safety. But the sudden +appearance of Psmith unnerved him. He remained silent. + +'How,' asked Psmith, 'do you propose to strengthen the Navy by burning +boats?' + +The inanity of the question enraged even the pleasure-seekers at the +back. + +'Order! Order!' cried the earnest contingent. + +'Sit down, fice!' roared the pleasure-seekers. + +Psmith sat down with a patient smile. + +Mr Bickersdyke resumed his speech. But the fire had gone out of it. He +had lost his audience. A moment before, he had grasped them and played +on their minds (or what passed for minds down Kenningford way) as on a +stringed instrument. Now he had lost his hold. + +He spoke on rapidly, but he could not get into his stride. The trivial +interruption had broken the spell. His words lacked grip. The dead +silence in which the first part of his speech had been received, that +silence which is a greater tribute to the speaker than any applause, +had given place to a restless medley of little noises; here a cough; +there a scraping of a boot along the floor, as its wearer moved +uneasily in his seat; in another place a whispered conversation. The +audience was bored. + +Mr Bickersdyke left the Navy, and went on to more general topics. But +he was not interesting. He quoted figures, saw a moment later that he +had not quoted them accurately, and instead of carrying on boldly, went +back and corrected himself. + +'Gow up top!' said a voice at the back of the hall, and there was a +general laugh. + +Mr Bickersdyke galloped unsteadily on. He condemned the Government. He +said they had betrayed their trust. + +And then he told an anecdote. + +'The Government, gentlemen,' he said, 'achieves nothing worth +achieving, and every individual member of the Government takes all the +credit for what is done to himself. Their methods remind me, gentlemen, +of an amusing experience I had while fishing one summer in the Lake +District.' + +In a volume entitled 'Three Men in a Boat' there is a story of how the +author and a friend go into a riverside inn and see a very large trout +in a glass case. They make inquiries about it, have men assure them, +one by one, that the trout was caught by themselves. In the end the +trout turns out to be made of plaster of Paris. + +Mr Bickersdyke told that story as an experience of his own while +fishing one summer in the Lake District. + +It went well. The meeting was amused. Mr Bickersdyke went on to draw a +trenchant comparison between the lack of genuine merit in the trout and +the lack of genuine merit in the achievements of His Majesty's +Government. + +There was applause. + +When it had ceased, Psmith rose to his feet again. + +'Excuse me,' he said. + + + + +11. Misunderstood + + +Mike had refused to accompany Psmith to the meeting that evening, +saying that he got too many chances in the ordinary way of business of +hearing Mr Bickersdyke speak, without going out of his way to make +more. So Psmith had gone off to Kenningford alone, and Mike, feeling +too lazy to sally out to any place of entertainment, had remained at +the flat with a novel. + +He was deep in this, when there was the sound of a key in the latch, +and shortly afterwards Psmith entered the room. On Psmith's brow there +was a look of pensive care, and also a slight discoloration. When he +removed his overcoat, Mike saw that his collar was burst and hanging +loose and that he had no tie. On his erstwhile speckless and gleaming +shirt front were number of finger-impressions, of a boldness and +clearness of outline which would have made a Bertillon expert leap with +joy. + +'Hullo!' said Mike dropping his book. + +Psmith nodded in silence, went to his bedroom, and returned with a +looking-glass. Propping this up on a table, he proceeded to examine +himself with the utmost care. He shuddered slightly as his eye fell on +the finger-marks; and without a word he went into his bathroom again. +He emerged after an interval of ten minutes in sky-blue pyjamas, +slippers, and an Old Etonian blazer. He lit a cigarette; and, sitting +down, stared pensively into the fire. + +'What the dickens have you been playing at?' demanded Mike. + +Psmith heaved a sigh. + +'That,' he replied, 'I could not say precisely. At one moment it seemed +to be Rugby football, at another a jiu-jitsu _seance_. Later, it +bore a resemblance to a pantomime rally. However, whatever it was, it +was all very bright and interesting. A distinct experience.' + +'Have you been scrapping?' asked Mike. 'What happened? Was there a +row?' + +'There was,' said Psmith, 'in a measure what might be described as a +row. At least, when you find a perfect stranger attaching himself to +your collar and pulling, you begin to suspect that something of that +kind is on the bill.' + +'Did they do that?' + +Psmith nodded. + +'A merchant in a moth-eaten bowler started warbling to a certain extent +with me. It was all very trying for a man of culture. He was a man who +had, I should say, discovered that alcohol was a food long before the +doctors found it out. A good chap, possibly, but a little boisterous in +his manner. Well, well.' + +Psmith shook his head sadly. + +'He got you one on the forehead,' said Mike, 'or somebody did. Tell us +what happened. I wish the dickens I'd come with you. I'd no notion +there would be a rag of any sort. What did happen?' + +'Comrade Jackson,' said Psmith sorrowfully, 'how sad it is in this life +of ours to be consistently misunderstood. You know, of course, how +wrapped up I am in Comrade Bickersdyke's welfare. You know that all my +efforts are directed towards making a decent man of him; that, in +short, I am his truest friend. Does he show by so much as a word that +he appreciates my labours? Not he. I believe that man is beginning to +dislike me, Comrade Jackson.' + +'What happened, anyhow? Never mind about Bickersdyke.' + +'Perhaps it was mistaken zeal on my part.... Well, I will tell you all. +Make a long arm for the shovel, Comrade Jackson, and pile on a few more +coals. I thank you. Well, all went quite smoothly for a while. Comrade +B. in quite good form. Got his second wind, and was going strong for the +tape, when a regrettable incident occurred. He informed the meeting, +that while up in the Lake country, fishing, he went to an inn and saw +a remarkably large stuffed trout in a glass case. He made inquiries, +and found that five separate and distinct people had caught--' + +'Why, dash it all,' said Mike, 'that's a frightful chestnut.' + +Psmith nodded. + +'It certainly has appeared in print,' he said. 'In fact I should have +said it was rather a well-known story. I was so interested in Comrade +Bickersdyke's statement that the thing had happened to himself that, +purely out of good-will towards him, I got up and told him that I +thought it was my duty, as a friend, to let him know that a man named +Jerome had pinched his story, put it in a book, and got money by it. +Money, mark you, that should by rights have been Comrade Bickersdyke's. +He didn't appear to care much about sifting the matter thoroughly. In +fact, he seemed anxious to get on with his speech, and slur the matter +over. But, tactlessly perhaps, I continued rather to harp on the thing. +I said that the book in which the story had appeared was published in +1889. I asked him how long ago it was that he had been on his fishing +tour, because it was important to know in order to bring the charge +home against Jerome. Well, after a bit, I was amazed, and pained, too, +to hear Comrade Bickersdyke urging certain bravoes in the audience to +turn me out. If ever there was a case of biting the hand that fed +him.... Well, well.... By this time the meeting had begun to take sides +to some extent. What I might call my party, the Earnest Investigators, +were whistling between their fingers, stamping on the floor, and +shouting, "Chestnuts!" while the opposing party, the bravoes, seemed to +be trying, as I say, to do jiu-jitsu tricks with me. It was a painful +situation. I know the cultivated man of affairs should have passed the +thing off with a short, careless laugh; but, owing to the +above-mentioned alcohol-expert having got both hands under my collar, +short, careless laughs were off. I was compelled, very reluctantly, to +conclude the interview by tapping the bright boy on the jaw. He took +the hint, and sat down on the floor. I thought no more of the matter, +and was making my way thoughtfully to the exit, when a second man of +wrath put the above on my forehead. You can't ignore a thing like that. +I collected some of his waistcoat and one of his legs, and hove him +with some vim into the middle distance. By this time a good many of the +Earnest Investigators were beginning to join in; and it was just there +that the affair began to have certain points of resemblance to a +pantomime rally. Everybody seemed to be shouting a good deal and +hitting everybody else. It was no place for a man of delicate culture, +so I edged towards the door, and drifted out. There was a cab in the +offing. I boarded it. And, having kicked a vigorous politician in the +stomach, as he was endeavouring to climb in too, I drove off home.' + +Psmith got up, looked at his forehead once more in the glass, sighed, +and sat down again. + +'All very disturbing,' he said. + +'Great Scott,' said Mike, 'I wish I'd come. Why on earth didn't you +tell me you were going to rag? I think you might as well have done. I +wouldn't have missed it for worlds.' + +Psmith regarded him with raised eyebrows. + +'Rag!' he said. 'Comrade Jackson, I do not understand you. You surely +do not think that I had any other object in doing what I did than to +serve Comrade Bickersdyke? It's terrible how one's motives get +distorted in this world of ours.' + +'Well,' said Mike, with a grin, 'I know one person who'll jolly well +distort your motives, as you call it, and that's Bickersdyke.' + +Psmith looked thoughtful. + +'True,' he said, 'true. There is that possibility. I tell you, Comrade +Jackson, once more that my bright young life is being slowly blighted +by the frightful way in which that man misunderstands me. It seems +almost impossible to try to do him a good turn without having the +action misconstrued.' + +'What'll you say to him tomorrow?' + +'I shall make no allusion to the painful affair. If I happen to meet +him in the ordinary course of business routine, I shall pass some +light, pleasant remark--on the weather, let us say, or the Bank +rate--and continue my duties.' + +'How about if he sends for you, and wants to do the light, pleasant +remark business on his own?' + +'In that case I shall not thwart him. If he invites me into his private +room, I shall be his guest, and shall discuss, to the best of my +ability, any topic which he may care to introduce. There shall be no +constraint between Comrade Bickersdyke and myself.' + +'No, I shouldn't think there would be. I wish I could come and hear +you.' + +'I wish you could,' said Psmith courteously. + +'Still, it doesn't matter much to you. You don't care if you do get +sacked.' + +Psmith rose. + +'In that way possibly, as you say, I am agreeably situated. If the New +Asiatic Bank does not require Psmith's services, there are other +spheres where a young man of spirit may carve a place for himself. No, +what is worrying me, Comrade Jackson, is not the thought of the push. +It is the growing fear that Comrade Bickersdyke and I will never +thoroughly understand and appreciate one another. A deep gulf lies +between us. I do what I can do to bridge it over, but he makes no +response. On his side of the gulf building operations appear to be at +an entire standstill. That is what is carving these lines of care on my +forehead, Comrade Jackson. That is what is painting these purple +circles beneath my eyes. Quite inadvertently to be disturbing Comrade +Bickersdyke, annoying him, preventing him from enjoying life. How sad +this is. Life bulges with these tragedies.' + +Mike picked up the evening paper. + +'Don't let it keep you awake at night,' he said. 'By the way, did you +see that Manchester United were playing this afternoon? They won. You'd +better sit down and sweat up some of the details. You'll want them +tomorrow.' + +'You are very right, Comrade Jackson,' said Psmith, reseating himself. +'So the Mancunians pushed the bulb into the meshes beyond the uprights +no fewer than four times, did they? Bless the dear boys, what spirits +they do enjoy, to be sure. Comrade Jackson, do not disturb me. I must +concentrate myself. These are deep waters.' + + + + +12. In a Nutshell + + +Mr Bickersdyke sat in his private room at the New Asiatic Bank with a +pile of newspapers before him. At least, the casual observer would have +said that it was Mr Bickersdyke. In reality, however, it was an active +volcano in the shape and clothes of the bank-manager. It was freely +admitted in the office that morning that the manager had lowered all +records with ease. The staff had known him to be in a bad temper +before--frequently; but his frame of mind on all previous occasions had +been, compared with his present frame of mind, that of a rather +exceptionally good-natured lamb. Within ten minutes of his arrival the +entire office was on the jump. The messengers were collected in a +pallid group in the basement, discussing the affair in whispers and +endeavouring to restore their nerve with about sixpenn'orth of the +beverage known as 'unsweetened'. The heads of departments, to a man, +had bowed before the storm. Within the space of seven minutes and a +quarter Mr Bickersdyke had contrived to find some fault with each of +them. Inward Bills was out at an A.B.C. shop snatching a hasty cup of +coffee, to pull him together again. Outward Bills was sitting at his +desk with the glazed stare of one who has been struck in the thorax by +a thunderbolt. Mr Rossiter had been torn from Psmith in the middle of a +highly technical discussion of the Manchester United match, just as he +was showing--with the aid of a ball of paper--how he had once seen +Meredith centre to Sandy Turnbull in a Cup match, and was now leaping +about like a distracted grasshopper. Mr Waller, head of the Cash +Department, had been summoned to the Presence, and after listening +meekly to a rush of criticism, had retired to his desk with the air of +a beaten spaniel. + +Only one man of the many in the building seemed calm and happy--Psmith. + +Psmith had resumed the chat about Manchester United, on Mr Rossiter's +return from the lion's den, at the spot where it had been broken off; +but, finding that the head of the Postage Department was in no mood for +discussing football (or any thing else), he had postponed his remarks +and placidly resumed his work. + +Mr Bickersdyke picked up a paper, opened it, and began searching the +columns. He had not far to look. It was a slack season for the +newspapers, and his little trouble, which might have received a +paragraph in a busy week, was set forth fully in three-quarters of a +column. + +The column was headed, 'Amusing Heckling'. + +Mr Bickersdyke read a few lines, and crumpled the paper up with a +snort. + +The next he examined was an organ of his own shade of political +opinion. It too, gave him nearly a column, headed 'Disgraceful Scene at +Kenningford'. There was also a leaderette on the subject. + +The leaderette said so exactly what Mr Bickersdyke thought himself that +for a moment he was soothed. Then the thought of his grievance +returned, and he pressed the bell. + +'Send Mr Smith to me,' he said. + +William, the messenger, proceeded to inform Psmith of the summons. + +Psmith's face lit up. + +'I am always glad to sweeten the monotony of toil with a chat with +Little Clarence,' he said. 'I shall be with him in a moment.' + +He cleaned his pen very carefully, placed it beside his ledger, flicked +a little dust off his coatsleeve, and made his way to the manager's +room. + +Mr Bickersdyke received him with the ominous restraint of a tiger +crouching for its spring. Psmith stood beside the table with languid +grace, suggestive of some favoured confidential secretary waiting for +instructions. + +A ponderous silence brooded over the room for some moments. Psmith +broke it by remarking that the Bank Rate was unchanged. He mentioned +this fact as if it afforded him a personal gratification. + +Mr Bickersdyke spoke. + +'Well, Mr Smith?' he said. + +'You wished to see me about something, sir?' inquired Psmith, +ingratiatingly. + +'You know perfectly well what I wished to see you about. I want to hear +your explanation of what occurred last night.' + +'May I sit, sir?' + +He dropped gracefully into a chair, without waiting for permission, +and, having hitched up the knees of his trousers, beamed winningly at +the manager. + +'A deplorable affair,' he said, with a shake of his head. 'Extremely +deplorable. We must not judge these rough, uneducated men too harshly, +however. In a time of excitement the emotions of the lower classes are +easily stirred. Where you or I would--' + +Mr Bickersdyke interrupted. + +'I do not wish for any more buffoonery, Mr Smith--' + +Psmith raised a pained pair of eyebrows. + +'Buffoonery, sir!' + +'I cannot understand what made you act as you did last night, unless +you are perfectly mad, as I am beginning to think.' + +'But, surely, sir, there was nothing remarkable in my behaviour? When a +merchant has attached himself to your collar, can you do less than +smite him on the other cheek? I merely acted in self-defence. You saw +for yourself--' + +'You know what I am alluding to. Your behaviour during my speech.' + +'An excellent speech,' murmured Psmith courteously. + +'Well?' said Mr Bickersdyke. + +'It was, perhaps, mistaken zeal on my part, sir, but you must remember +that I acted purely from the best motives. It seemed to me--' + +'That is enough, Mr Smith. I confess that I am absolutely at a loss to +understand you--' + +'It is too true, sir,' sighed Psmith. + +'You seem,' continued Mr Bickersdyke, warming to his subject, and +turning gradually a richer shade of purple, 'you seem to be determined +to endeavour to annoy me.' ('No no,' from Psmith.) 'I can only assume +that you are not in your right senses. You follow me about in my club--' + +'Our club, sir,' murmured Psmith. + +'Be good enough not to interrupt me, Mr Smith. You dog my footsteps in +my club--' + +'Purely accidental, sir. We happen to meet--that is all.' + +'You attend meetings at which I am speaking, and behave in a perfectly +imbecile manner.' + +Psmith moaned slightly. + +'It may seem humorous to you, but I can assure you it is extremely bad +policy on your part. The New Asiatic Bank is no place for humour, and I +think--' + +'Excuse me, sir,' said Psmith. + +The manager started at the familiar phrase. The plum-colour of his +complexion deepened. + +'I entirely agree with you, sir,' said Psmith, 'that this bank is no +place for humour.' + +'Very well, then. You--' + +'And I am never humorous in it. I arrive punctually in the morning, +and I work steadily and earnestly till my labours are completed. I +think you will find, on inquiry, that Mr Rossiter is satisfied with my +work.' + +'That is neither here nor--' + +'Surely, sir,' said Psmith, 'you are wrong? Surely your jurisdiction +ceases after office hours? Any little misunderstanding we may have at +the close of the day's work cannot affect you officially. You could +not, for instance, dismiss me from the service of the bank if we were +partners at bridge at the club and I happened to revoke.' + +'I can dismiss you, let me tell you, Mr Smith, for studied insolence, +whether in the office or not.' + +'I bow to superior knowledge,' said Psmith politely, 'but I confess I +doubt it. And,' he added, 'there is another point. May I continue to +some extent?' + +'If you have anything to say, say it.' + +Psmith flung one leg over the other, and settled his collar. + +'It is perhaps a delicate matter,' he said, 'but it is best to be +frank. We should have no secrets. To put my point quite clearly, I must +go back a little, to the time when you paid us that very welcome +week-end visit at our house in August.' + +'If you hope to make capital out of the fact that I have been a guest +of your father--' + +'Not at all,' said Psmith deprecatingly. 'Not at all. You do not take +me. My point is this. I do not wish to revive painful memories, but it +cannot be denied that there was, here and there, some slight bickering +between us on that occasion. The fault,' said Psmith magnanimously, +'was possibly mine. I may have been too exacting, too capricious. +Perhaps so. However, the fact remains that you conceived the happy +notion of getting me into this bank, under the impression that, once I +was in, you would be able to--if I may use the expression--give me +beans. You said as much to me, if I remember. I hate to say it, but +don't you think that if you give me the sack, although my work is +satisfactory to the head of my department, you will be by way of +admitting that you bit off rather more than you could chew? I merely +make the suggestion.' + +Mr Bickersdyke half rose from his chair. + +'You--' + +'Just so, just so, but--to return to the main point--don't you? The +whole painful affair reminds me of the story of Agesilaus and the +Petulant Pterodactyl, which as you have never heard, I will now proceed +to relate. Agesilaus--' + +Mr Bickersdyke made a curious clucking noise in his throat. + +'I am boring you,' said Psmith, with ready tact. 'Suffice it to say +that Comrade Agesilaus interfered with the pterodactyl, which was doing +him no harm; and the intelligent creature, whose motto was "Nemo me +impune lacessit", turned and bit him. Bit him good and hard, so that +Agesilaus ever afterwards had a distaste for pterodactyls. His +reluctance to disturb them became quite a byword. The Society papers of +the period frequently commented upon it. Let us draw the parallel.' + +Here Mr Bickersdyke, who had been clucking throughout this speech, +essayed to speak; but Psmith hurried on. + +'You are Agesilaus,' he said. 'I am the Petulant Pterodactyl. You, if I +may say so, butted in of your own free will, and took me from a happy +home, simply in order that you might get me into this place under you, +and give me beans. But, curiously enough, the major portion of that +vegetable seems to be coming to you. Of course, you can administer the +push if you like; but, as I say, it will be by way of a confession that +your scheme has sprung a leak. Personally,' said Psmith, as one friend +to another, 'I should advise you to stick it out. You never know what +may happen. At any moment I may fall from my present high standard of +industry and excellence; and then you have me, so to speak, where the +hair is crisp.' + +He paused. Mr Bickersdyke's eyes, which even in their normal state +protruded slightly, now looked as if they might fall out at any moment. +His face had passed from the plum-coloured stage to something beyond. +Every now and then he made the clucking noise, but except for that he +was silent. Psmith, having waited for some time for something in the +shape of comment or criticism on his remarks, now rose. + +'It has been a great treat to me, this little chat,' he said affably, +'but I fear that I must no longer allow purely social enjoyments to +interfere with my commercial pursuits. With your permission, I will +rejoin my department, where my absence is doubtless already causing +comment and possibly dismay. But we shall be meeting at the club +shortly, I hope. Good-bye, sir, good-bye.' + +He left the room, and walked dreamily back to the Postage Department, +leaving the manager still staring glassily at nothing. + + + + +13. Mike is Moved On + + +This episode may be said to have concluded the first act of the +commercial drama in which Mike and Psmith had been cast for leading +parts. And, as usually happens after the end of an act, there was a +lull for a while until things began to work up towards another climax. +Mike, as day succeeded day, began to grow accustomed to the life of the +bank, and to find that it had its pleasant side after all. Whenever a +number of people are working at the same thing, even though that thing +is not perhaps what they would have chosen as an object in life, if +left to themselves, there is bound to exist an atmosphere of +good-fellowship; something akin to, though a hundred times weaker +than, the public school spirit. Such a community lacks the main motive +of the public school spirit, which is pride in the school and its +achievements. Nobody can be proud of the achievements of a bank. When +the business of arranging a new Japanese loan was given to the New +Asiatic Bank, its employees did not stand on stools, and cheer. On the +contrary, they thought of the extra work it would involve; and they +cursed a good deal, though there was no denying that it was a big thing +for the bank--not unlike winning the Ashburton would be to a school. +There is a cold impersonality about a bank. A school is a living thing. + +Setting aside this important difference, there was a good deal of the +public school about the New Asiatic Bank. The heads of departments were +not quite so autocratic as masters, and one was treated more on a +grown-up scale, as man to man; but, nevertheless, there remained a +distinct flavour of a school republic. Most of the men in the bank, +with the exception of certain hard-headed Scotch youths drafted in from +other establishments in the City, were old public school men. Mike +found two Old Wrykinians in the first week. Neither was well known to +him. They had left in his second year in the team. But it was pleasant +to have them about, and to feel that they had been educated at the +right place. + +As far as Mike's personal comfort went, the presence of these two +Wrykinians was very much for the good. Both of them knew all about his +cricket, and they spread the news. The New Asiatic Bank, like most +London banks, was keen on sport, and happened to possess a cricket team +which could make a good game with most of the second-rank clubs. The +disappearance to the East of two of the best bats of the previous +season caused Mike's advent to be hailed with a good deal of +enthusiasm. Mike was a county man. He had only played once for his +county, it was true, but that did not matter. He had passed the barrier +which separates the second-class bat from the first-class, and the bank +welcomed him with awe. County men did not come their way every day. + +Mike did not like being in the bank, considered in the light of a +career. But he bore no grudge against the inmates of the bank, such as +he had borne against the inmates of Sedleigh. He had looked on the +latter as bound up with the school, and, consequently, enemies. His +fellow workers in the bank he regarded as companions in misfortune. +They were all in the same boat together. There were men from Tonbridge, +Dulwich, Bedford, St Paul's, and a dozen other schools. One or two of +them he knew by repute from the pages of Wisden. Bannister, his +cheerful predecessor in the Postage Department, was the Bannister, he +recollected now, who had played for Geddington against Wrykyn in his +second year in the Wrykyn team. Munroe, the big man in the Fixed +Deposits, he remembered as leader of the Ripton pack. Every day brought +fresh discoveries of this sort, and each made Mike more reconciled to +his lot. They were a pleasant set of fellows in the New Asiatic Bank, +and but for the dreary outlook which the future held--for Mike, unlike +most of his follow workers, was not attracted by the idea of a life in +the East--he would have been very fairly content. + +The hostility of Mr Bickersdyke was a slight drawback. Psmith had +developed a habit of taking Mike with him to the club of an evening; +and this did not do anything towards wiping out of the manager's mind +the recollection of his former passage of arms with the Old Wrykinian. +The glass remaining Set Fair as far as Mr Rossiter's approval was +concerned, Mike was enabled to keep off the managerial carpet to a +great extent; but twice, when he posted letters without going through +the preliminary formality of stamping them, Mr Bickersdyke had +opportunities of which he availed himself. But for these incidents life +was fairly enjoyable. Owing to Psmith's benevolent efforts, the Postage +Department became quite a happy family, and ex-occupants of the postage +desk, Bannister especially, were amazed at the change that had come +over Mr Rossiter. He no longer darted from his lair like a pouncing +panther. To report his subordinates to the manager seemed now to be a +lost art with him. The sight of Psmith and Mr Rossiter proceeding high +and disposedly to a mutual lunch became quite common, and ceased to +excite remark. + +'By kindness,' said Psmith to Mike, after one of these expeditions. 'By +tact and kindness. That is how it is done. I do not despair of training +Comrade Rossiter one of these days to jump through paper hoops.' + +So that, altogether, Mike's life in the bank had become very fairly +pleasant. + +Out of office-hours he enjoyed himself hugely. London was strange to +him, and with Psmith as a companion, he extracted a vast deal of +entertainment from it. Psmith was not unacquainted with the West End, +and he proved an excellent guide. At first Mike expostulated with +unfailing regularity at the other's habit of paying for everything, but +Psmith waved aside all objections with languid firmness. + +'I need you, Comrade Jackson,' he said, when Mike lodged a protest on +finding himself bound for the stalls for the second night in +succession. 'We must stick together. As my confidential secretary and +adviser, your place is by my side. Who knows but that between the acts +tonight I may not be seized with some luminous thought? Could I utter +this to my next-door neighbour or the programme-girl? Stand by me, +Comrade Jackson, or we are undone.' + +So Mike stood by him. + +By this time Mike had grown so used to his work that he could tell to +within five minutes when a rush would come; and he was able to spend a +good deal of his time reading a surreptitious novel behind a pile of +ledgers, or down in the tea-room. The New Asiatic Bank supplied tea to +its employees. In quality it was bad, and the bread-and-butter +associated with it was worse. But it had the merit of giving one an +excuse for being away from one's desk. There were large printed notices +all over the tea-room, which was in the basement, informing gentlemen +that they were only allowed ten minutes for tea, but one took just as +long as one thought the head of one's department would stand, from +twenty-five minutes to an hour and a quarter. + +This state of things was too good to last. Towards the beginning of the +New Year a new man arrived, and Mike was moved on to another +department. + + + + +14. Mr Waller Appears in a New Light + + +The department into which Mike was sent was the Cash, or, to be more +exact, that section of it which was known as Paying Cashier. The +important task of shooting doubloons across the counter did not belong +to Mike himself, but to Mr Waller. Mike's work was less ostentatious, +and was performed with pen, ink, and ledgers in the background. +Occasionally, when Mr Waller was out at lunch, Mike had to act as +substitute for him, and cash cheques; but Mr Waller always went out at +a slack time, when few customers came in, and Mike seldom had any very +startling sum to hand over. + +He enjoyed being in the Cash Department. He liked Mr Waller. The work +was easy; and when he did happen to make mistakes, they were corrected +patiently by the grey-bearded one, and not used as levers for boosting +him into the presence of Mr Bickersdyke, as they might have been in +some departments. The cashier seemed to have taken a fancy to Mike; and +Mike, as was usually the way with him when people went out of their way +to be friendly, was at his best. Mike at his ease and unsuspicious of +hostile intentions was a different person from Mike with his prickles +out. + +Psmith, meanwhile, was not enjoying himself. It was an unheard-of +thing, he said, depriving a man of his confidential secretary without +so much as asking his leave. + +'It has caused me the greatest inconvenience,' he told Mike, drifting +round in a melancholy way to the Cash Department during a slack spell +one afternoon. 'I miss you at every turn. Your keen intelligence and +ready sympathy were invaluable to me. Now where am I? In the cart. I +evolved a slightly bright thought on life just now. There was nobody to +tell it to except the new man. I told it him, and the fool gaped. I +tell you, Comrade Jackson, I feel like some lion that has been robbed +of its cub. I feel as Marshall would feel if they took Snelgrove away +from him, or as Peace might if he awoke one morning to find Plenty +gone. Comrade Rossiter does his best. We still talk brokenly about +Manchester United--they got routed in the first round of the Cup +yesterday and Comrade Rossiter is wearing black--but it is not the +same. I try work, but that is no good either. From ledger to ledger +they hurry me, to stifle my regret. And when they win a smile from me, +they think that I forget. But I don't. I am a broken man. That new +exhibit they've got in your place is about as near to the Extreme Edge +as anything I've ever seen. One of Nature's blighters. Well, well, I +must away. Comrade Rossiter awaits me.' + +Mike's successor, a youth of the name of Bristow, was causing Psmith a +great deal of pensive melancholy. His worst defect--which he could not +help--was that he was not Mike. His others--which he could--were +numerous. His clothes were cut in a way that harrowed Psmith's sensitive +soul every time he looked at them. The fact that he wore detachable +cuffs, which he took off on beginning work and stacked in a glistening +pile on the desk in front of him, was no proof of innate viciousness of +disposition, but it prejudiced the Old Etonian against him. It was part +of Psmith's philosophy that a man who wore detachable cuffs had passed +beyond the limit of human toleration. In addition, Bristow wore a small +black moustache and a ring and that, as Psmith informed Mike, put the +lid on it. + +Mike would sometimes stroll round to the Postage Department to listen +to the conversations between the two. Bristow was always friendliness +itself. He habitually addressed Psmith as Smithy, a fact which +entertained Mike greatly but did not seem to amuse Psmith to any +overwhelming extent. On the other hand, when, as he generally did, he +called Mike 'Mister Cricketer', the humour of the thing appeared to +elude Mike, though the mode of address always drew from Psmith a pale, +wan smile, as of a broken heart made cheerful against its own +inclination. + +The net result of the coming of Bristow was that Psmith spent most of +his time, when not actually oppressed by a rush of work, in the +precincts of the Cash Department, talking to Mike and Mr Waller. The +latter did not seem to share the dislike common among the other heads +of departments of seeing his subordinates receiving visitors. Unless +the work was really heavy, in which case a mild remonstrance escaped +him, he offered no objection to Mike being at home to Psmith. It was +this tolerance which sometimes got him into trouble with Mr +Bickersdyke. The manager did not often perambulate the office, but he +did occasionally, and the interview which ensued upon his finding +Hutchinson, the underling in the Cash Department at that time, with his +stool tilted comfortably against the wall, reading the sporting news +from a pink paper to a friend from the Outward Bills Department who lay +luxuriously on the floor beside him, did not rank among Mr Waller's +pleasantest memories. But Mr Waller was too soft-hearted to interfere +with his assistants unless it was absolutely necessary. The truth of +the matter was that the New Asiatic Bank was over-staffed. There were +too many men for the work. The London branch of the bank was really +only a nursery. New men were constantly wanted in the Eastern branches, +so they had to be put into the London branch to learn the business, +whether there was any work for them to do or not. + +It was after one of these visits of Psmith's that Mr Waller displayed a +new and unsuspected side to his character. Psmith had come round in a +state of some depression to discuss Bristow, as usual. Bristow, it +seemed, had come to the bank that morning in a fancy waistcoat of so +emphatic a colour-scheme that Psmith stoutly refused to sit in the same +department with it. + +'What with Comrades Bristow and Bickersdyke combined,' said Psmith +plaintively, 'the work is becoming too hard for me. The whisper is +beginning to circulate, "Psmith's number is up--As a reformer he is +merely among those present. He is losing his dash." But what can I do? +I cannot keep an eye on both of them at the same time. The moment I +concentrate myself on Comrade Bickersdyke for a brief spell, and seem +to be doing him a bit of good, what happens? Why, Comrade Bristow +sneaks off and buys a sort of woollen sunset. I saw the thing +unexpectedly. I tell you I was shaken. It is the suddenness of that +waistcoat which hits you. It's discouraging, this sort of thing. I try +always to think well of my fellow man. As an energetic Socialist, I do +my best to see the good that is in him, but it's hard. Comrade +Bristow's the most striking argument against the equality of man I've +ever come across.' + +Mr Waller intervened at this point. + +'I think you must really let Jackson go on with his work, Smith,' he +said. 'There seems to be too much talking.' + +'My besetting sin,' said Psmith sadly. 'Well, well, I will go back and +do my best to face it, but it's a tough job.' + +He tottered wearily away in the direction of the Postage Department. + +'Oh, Jackson,' said Mr Waller, 'will you kindly take my place for a few +minutes? I must go round and see the Inward Bills about something. I +shall be back very soon.' + +Mike was becoming accustomed to deputizing for the cashier for short +spaces of time. It generally happened that he had to do so once or +twice a day. Strictly speaking, perhaps, Mr Waller was wrong to leave +such an important task as the actual cashing of cheques to an +inexperienced person of Mike's standing; but the New Asiatic Bank +differed from most banks in that there was not a great deal of +cross-counter work. People came in fairly frequently to cash cheques +of two or three pounds, but it was rare that any very large dealings +took place. + +Having completed his business with the Inward Bills, Mr Waller made his +way back by a circuitous route, taking in the Postage desk. + +He found Psmith with a pale, set face, inscribing figures in a ledger. +The Old Etonian greeted him with the faint smile of a persecuted saint +who is determined to be cheerful even at the stake. + +'Comrade Bristow,' he said. + +'Hullo, Smithy?' said the other, turning. + +Psmith sadly directed Mr Waller's attention to the waistcoat, which was +certainly definite in its colouring. + +'Nothing,' said Psmith. 'I only wanted to look at you.' + +'Funny ass,' said Bristow, resuming his work. Psmith glanced at Mr +Waller, as who should say, 'See what I have to put up with. And yet I +do not give way.' + +'Oh--er--Smith,' said Mr Waller, 'when you were talking to Jackson just +now--' + +'Say no more,' said Psmith. 'It shall not occur again. Why should I +dislocate the work of your department in my efforts to win a +sympathetic word? I will bear Comrade Bristow like a man here. After +all, there are worse things at the Zoo.' + +'No, no,' said Mr Waller hastily, 'I did not mean that. By all means +pay us a visit now and then, if it does not interfere with your own +work. But I noticed just now that you spoke to Bristow as Comrade +Bristow.' + +'It is too true,' said Psmith. 'I must correct myself of the habit. He +will be getting above himself.' + +'And when you were speaking to Jackson, you spoke of yourself as a +Socialist.' + +'Socialism is the passion of my life,' said Psmith. + +Mr Waller's face grew animated. He stammered in his eagerness. + +'I am delighted,' he said. 'Really, I am delighted. I also--' + +'A fellow worker in the Cause?' said Psmith. + +'Er--exactly.' + +Psmith extended his hand gravely. Mr Waller shook it with enthusiasm. + +'I have never liked to speak of it to anybody in the office,' said Mr +Waller, 'but I, too, am heart and soul in the movement.' + +'Yours for the Revolution?' said Psmith. + +'Just so. Just so. Exactly. I was wondering--the fact is, I am in the +habit of speaking on Sundays in the open air, and--' + +'Hyde Park?' + +'No. No. Clapham Common. It is--er--handier for me where I live. Now, +as you are interested in the movement, I was thinking that perhaps you +might care to come and hear me speak next Sunday. Of course, if you +have nothing better to do.' + +'I should like to excessively,' said Psmith. + +'Excellent. Bring Jackson with you, and both of you come to supper +afterwards, if you will.' + +'Thanks very much.' + +'Perhaps you would speak yourself?' + +'No,' said Psmith. 'No. I think not. My Socialism is rather of the +practical sort. I seldom speak. But it would be a treat to listen to +you. What--er--what type of oratory is yours?' + +'Oh, well,' said Mr Waller, pulling nervously at his beard, 'of course +I--. Well, I am perhaps a little bitter--' + +'Yes, yes.' + +'A little mordant and ironical.' + +'You would be,' agreed Psmith. 'I shall look forward to Sunday with +every fibre quivering. And Comrade Jackson shall be at my side.' + +'Excellent,' said Mr Waller. 'I will go and tell him now.' + + + + +15. Stirring Times on the Common + + +'The first thing to do,' said Psmith, 'is to ascertain that such a +place as Clapham Common really exists. One has heard of it, of course, +but has its existence ever been proved? I think not. Having +accomplished that, we must then try to find out how to get to it. I +should say at a venture that it would necessitate a sea-voyage. On the +other hand, Comrade Waller, who is a native of the spot, seems to find +no difficulty in rolling to the office every morning. Therefore--you +follow me, Jackson?--it must be in England. In that case, we will take +a taximeter cab, and go out into the unknown, hand in hand, trusting to +luck.' + +'I expect you could get there by tram,' said Mike. + +Psmith suppressed a slight shudder. + +'I fear, Comrade Jackson,' he said, 'that the old noblesse oblige +traditions of the Psmiths would not allow me to do that. No. We will +stroll gently, after a light lunch, to Trafalgar Square, and hail a +taxi.' + +'Beastly expensive.' + +'But with what an object! Can any expenditure be called excessive which +enables us to hear Comrade Waller being mordant and ironical at the +other end?' + +'It's a rum business,' said Mike. 'I hope the dickens he won't mix us +up in it. We should look frightful fools.' + +'I may possibly say a few words,' said Psmith carelessly, 'if the +spirit moves me. Who am I that I should deny people a simple pleasure?' + +Mike looked alarmed. + +'Look here,' he said, 'I say, if you _are_ going to play the goat, +for goodness' sake don't go lugging me into it. I've got heaps of +troubles without that.' + +Psmith waved the objection aside. + +'You,' he said, 'will be one of the large, and, I hope, interested +audience. Nothing more. But it is quite possible that the spirit may +not move me. I may not feel inspired to speak. I am not one of those +who love speaking for speaking's sake. If I have no message for the +many-headed, I shall remain silent.' + +'Then I hope the dickens you won't have,' said Mike. Of all things he +hated most being conspicuous before a crowd--except at cricket, which +was a different thing--and he had an uneasy feeling that Psmith would +rather like it than otherwise. + +'We shall see,' said Psmith absently. 'Of course, if in the vein, I +might do something big in the way of oratory. I am a plain, blunt man, +but I feel convinced that, given the opportunity, I should haul up my +slacks to some effect. But--well, we shall see. We shall see.' + +And with this ghastly state of doubt Mike had to be content. + +It was with feelings of apprehension that he accompanied Psmith from +the flat to Trafalgar Square in search of a cab which should convey +them to Clapham Common. + +They were to meet Mr Waller at the edge of the Common nearest the +old town of Clapham. On the journey down Psmith was inclined to be +_debonnaire_. Mike, on the other hand, was silent and apprehensive. +He knew enough of Psmith to know that, if half an opportunity were +offered him, he would extract entertainment from this affair after +his own fashion; and then the odds were that he himself would be +dragged into it. Perhaps--his scalp bristled at the mere idea--he +would even be let in for a speech. + +This grisly thought had hardly come into his head, when Psmith spoke. + +'I'm not half sure,' he said thoughtfully, 'I sha'n't call on you for a +speech, Comrade Jackson.' + +'Look here, Psmith--' began Mike agitatedly. + +'I don't know. I think your solid, incisive style would rather go down +with the masses. However, we shall see, we shall see.' + +Mike reached the Common in a state of nervous collapse. + +Mr Waller was waiting for them by the railings near the pond. The +apostle of the Revolution was clad soberly in black, except for a tie +of vivid crimson. His eyes shone with the light of enthusiasm, vastly +different from the mild glow of amiability which they exhibited for six +days in every week. The man was transformed. + +'Here you are,' he said. 'Here you are. Excellent. You are in good +time. Comrades Wotherspoon and Prebble have already begun to speak. I +shall commence now that you have come. This is the way. Over by these +trees.' + +They made their way towards a small clump of trees, near which a +fair-sized crowd had already begun to collect. Evidently listening +to the speakers was one of Clapham's fashionable Sunday amusements. Mr +Waller talked and gesticulated incessantly as he walked. Psmith's +demeanour was perhaps a shade patronizing, but he displayed interest. +Mike proceeded to the meeting with the air of an about-to-be-washed dog. +He was loathing the whole business with a heartiness worthy of a better +cause. Somehow, he felt he was going to be made to look a fool before +the afternoon was over. But he registered a vow that nothing should +drag him on to the small platform which had been erected for the +benefit of the speaker. + +As they drew nearer, the voices of Comrades Wotherspoon and Prebble +became more audible. They had been audible all the time, very much so, +but now they grew in volume. Comrade Wotherspoon was a tall, thin man +with side-whiskers and a high voice. He scattered his aitches as a +fountain its sprays in a strong wind. He was very earnest. Comrade +Prebble was earnest, too. Perhaps even more so than Comrade +Wotherspoon. He was handicapped to some extent, however, by not having +a palate. This gave to his profoundest thoughts a certain weirdness, as +if they had been uttered in an unknown tongue. The crowd was thickest +round his platform. The grown-up section plainly regarded him as a +comedian, pure and simple, and roared with happy laughter when he urged +them to march upon Park Lane and loot the same without mercy or +scruple. The children were more doubtful. Several had broken down, and +been led away in tears. + +When Mr Waller got up to speak on platform number three, his audience +consisted at first only of Psmith, Mike, and a fox-terrier. Gradually +however, he attracted others. After wavering for a while, the crowd +finally decided that he was worth hearing. He had a method of his own. +Lacking the natural gifts which marked Comrade Prebble out as an +entertainer, he made up for this by his activity. Where his colleagues +stood comparatively still, Mr Waller behaved with the vivacity +generally supposed to belong only to peas on shovels and cats on hot +bricks. He crouched to denounce the House of Lords. He bounded from +side to side while dissecting the methods of the plutocrats. During an +impassioned onslaught on the monarchical system he stood on one leg and +hopped. This was more the sort of thing the crowd had come to see. +Comrade Wotherspoon found himself deserted, and even Comrade Prebble's +shortcomings in the way of palate were insufficient to keep his flock +together. The entire strength of the audience gathered in front of the +third platform. + +Mike, separated from Psmith by the movement of the crowd, listened with +a growing depression. That feeling which attacks a sensitive person +sometimes at the theatre when somebody is making himself ridiculous on +the stage--the illogical feeling that it is he and not the actor who is +floundering--had come over him in a wave. He liked Mr Waller, and it +made his gorge rise to see him exposing himself to the jeers of a +crowd. The fact that Mr Waller himself did not know that they were +jeers, but mistook them for applause, made it no better. Mike felt +vaguely furious. + +His indignation began to take a more personal shape when the speaker, +branching off from the main subject of Socialism, began to touch on +temperance. There was no particular reason why Mr Waller should have +introduced the subject of temperance, except that he happened to be an +enthusiast. He linked it on to his remarks on Socialism by attributing +the lethargy of the masses to their fondness for alcohol; and the +crowd, which had been inclined rather to pat itself on the back during +the assaults on Rank and Property, finding itself assailed in its turn, +resented it. They were there to listen to speakers telling them that +they were the finest fellows on earth, not pointing out their little +failings to them. The feeling of the meeting became hostile. The jeers +grew more frequent and less good-tempered. + +'Comrade Waller means well,' said a voice in Mike's ear, 'but if he +shoots it at them like this much more there'll be a bit of an +imbroglio.' + +'Look here, Smith,' said Mike quickly, 'can't we stop him? These chaps +are getting fed up, and they look bargees enough to do anything. +They'll be going for him or something soon.' + +'How can we switch off the flow? I don't see. The man is wound up. He +means to get it off his chest if it snows. I feel we are by way of +being in the soup once more, Comrade Jackson. We can only sit tight and +look on.' + +The crowd was becoming more threatening every minute. A group of young +men of the loafer class who stood near Mike were especially fertile in +comment. Psmith's eyes were on the speaker; but Mike was watching this +group closely. Suddenly he saw one of them, a thick-set youth wearing a +cloth cap and no collar, stoop. + +When he rose again there was a stone in his hand. + +The sight acted on Mike like a spur. Vague rage against nobody in +particular had been simmering in him for half an hour. Now it +concentrated itself on the cloth-capped one. + +Mr Waller paused momentarily before renewing his harangue. The man in +the cloth cap raised his hand. There was a swirl in the crowd, and the +first thing that Psmith saw as he turned was Mike seizing the would-be +marksman round the neck and hurling him to the ground, after the manner +of a forward at football tackling an opponent during a line-out from +touch. + +There is one thing which will always distract the attention of a crowd +from any speaker, and that is a dispute between two of its units. Mr +Waller's views on temperance were forgotten in an instant. The audience +surged round Mike and his opponent. + +The latter had scrambled to his feet now, and was looking round for his +assailant. + +'That's 'im, Bill!' cried eager voices, indicating Mike. + +''E's the bloke wot 'it yer, Bill,' said others, more precise in +detail. + +Bill advanced on Mike in a sidelong, crab-like manner. + +''Oo're you, I should like to know?' said Bill. + +Mike, rightly holding that this was merely a rhetorical question and +that Bill had no real thirst for information as to his family history, +made no reply. Or, rather, the reply he made was not verbal. He waited +till his questioner was within range, and then hit him in the eye. A +reply far more satisfactory, if not to Bill himself, at any rate to the +interested onlookers, than any flow of words. + +A contented sigh went up from the crowd. Their Sunday afternoon was +going to be spent just as they considered Sunday afternoons should be +spent. + +'Give us your coat,' said Psmith briskly, 'and try and get it over +quick. Don't go in for any fancy sparring. Switch it on, all you know, +from the start. I'll keep a thoughtful eye open to see that none of his +friends and relations join in.' + +Outwardly Psmith was unruffled, but inwardly he was not feeling so +composed. An ordinary turn-up before an impartial crowd which could be +relied upon to preserve the etiquette of these matters was one thing. +As regards the actual little dispute with the cloth-capped Bill, he +felt that he could rely on Mike to handle it satisfactorily. But there +was no knowing how long the crowd would be content to remain mere +spectators. There was no doubt which way its sympathies lay. Bill, now +stripped of his coat and sketching out in a hoarse voice a scenario of +what he intended to do--knocking Mike down and stamping him into the +mud was one of the milder feats he promised to perform for the +entertainment of an indulgent audience--was plainly the popular +favourite. + +Psmith, though he did not show it, was more than a little apprehensive. + +Mike, having more to occupy his mind in the immediate present, was not +anxious concerning the future. He had the great advantage over Psmith +of having lost his temper. Psmith could look on the situation as a +whole, and count the risks and possibilities. Mike could only see Bill +shuffling towards him with his head down and shoulders bunched. + +'Gow it, Bill!' said someone. + +'Pliy up, the Arsenal!' urged a voice on the outskirts of the crowd. + +A chorus of encouragement from kind friends in front: 'Step up, Bill!' + +And Bill stepped. + + + + +16. Further Developments + + +Bill (surname unknown) was not one of your ultra-scientific fighters. +He did not favour the American crouch and the artistic feint. He had a +style wholly his own. It seemed to have been modelled partly on a +tortoise and partly on a windmill. His head he appeared to be trying to +conceal between his shoulders, and he whirled his arms alternately in +circular sweeps. + +Mike, on the other hand, stood upright and hit straight, with the +result that he hurt his knuckles very much on his opponent's skull, +without seeming to disturb the latter to any great extent. In the +process he received one of the windmill swings on the left ear. The +crowd, strong pro-Billites, raised a cheer. + +This maddened Mike. He assumed the offensive. Bill, satisfied for the +moment with his success, had stepped back, and was indulging in some +fancy sparring, when Mike sprang upon him like a panther. They +clinched, and Mike, who had got the under grip, hurled Bill forcibly +against a stout man who looked like a publican. The two fell in a heap, +Bill underneath. + +At the same time Bill's friends joined in. + +The first intimation Mike had of this was a violent blow across the +shoulders with a walking-stick. Even if he had been wearing his +overcoat, the blow would have hurt. As he was in his jacket it hurt +more than anything he had ever experienced in his life. He leapt up +with a yell, but Psmith was there before him. Mike saw his assailant +lift the stick again, and then collapse as the old Etonian's right took +him under the chin. + +He darted to Psmith's side. + +'This is no place for us,' observed the latter sadly. 'Shift ho, I +think. Come on.' + +They dashed simultaneously for the spot where the crowd was thinnest. +The ring which had formed round Mike and Bill had broken up as the +result of the intervention of Bill's allies, and at the spot for which +they ran only two men were standing. And these had apparently made up +their minds that neutrality was the best policy, for they made no +movement to stop them. Psmith and Mike charged through the gap, and +raced for the road. + +The suddenness of the move gave them just the start they needed. Mike +looked over his shoulder. The crowd, to a man, seemed to be following. +Bill, excavated from beneath the publican, led the field. Lying a good +second came a band of three, and after them the rest in a bunch. + +They reached the road in this order. + +Some fifty yards down the road was a stationary tram. In the ordinary +course of things it would probably have moved on long before Psmith and +Mike could have got to it; but the conductor, a man with sporting blood +in him, seeing what appeared to be the finish of some Marathon Race, +refrained from giving the signal, and moved out into the road to +observe events more clearly, at the same time calling to the driver, +who joined him. Passengers on the roof stood up to get a good view. +There was some cheering. + +Psmith and Mike reached the tram ten yards to the good; and, if it had +been ready to start then, all would have been well. But Bill and his +friends had arrived while the driver and conductor were both out in the +road. + +The affair now began to resemble the doings of Horatius on the bridge. +Psmith and Mike turned to bay on the platform at the foot of the tram +steps. Bill, leading by three yards, sprang on to it, grabbed Mike, and +fell with him on to the road. Psmith, descending with a dignity +somewhat lessened by the fact that his hat was on the side of his head, +was in time to engage the runners-up. + +Psmith, as pugilist, lacked something of the calm majesty which +characterized him in the more peaceful moments of life, but he was +undoubtedly effective. Nature had given him an enormous reach and a +lightness on his feet remarkable in one of his size; and at some time +in his career he appeared to have learned how to use his hands. The +first of the three runners, the walking-stick manipulator, had the +misfortune to charge straight into the old Etonian's left. It was a +well-timed blow, and the force of it, added to the speed at which the +victim was running, sent him on to the pavement, where he spun round +and sat down. In the subsequent proceedings he took no part. + +The other two attacked Psmith simultaneously, one on each side. In +doing so, the one on the left tripped over Mike and Bill, who were +still in the process of sorting themselves out, and fell, leaving +Psmith free to attend to the other. He was a tall, weedy youth. His +conspicuous features were a long nose and a light yellow waistcoat. +Psmith hit him on the former with his left and on the latter with his +right. The long youth emitted a gurgle, and collided with Bill, who had +wrenched himself free from Mike and staggered to his feet. Bill, having +received a second blow in the eye during the course of his interview on +the road with Mike, was not feeling himself. Mistaking the other for an +enemy, he proceeded to smite him in the parts about the jaw. He had +just upset him, when a stern official voice observed, ''Ere, now, +what's all this?' + +There is no more unfailing corrective to a scene of strife than the +'What's all this?' of the London policeman. Bill abandoned his +intention of stamping on the prostrate one, and the latter, sitting up, +blinked and was silent. + +'What's all this?' asked the policeman again. Psmith, adjusting his hat +at the correct angle again, undertook the explanations. + +'A distressing scene, officer,' he said. 'A case of that unbridled +brawling which is, alas, but too common in our London streets. These +two, possibly till now the closest friends, fall out over some point, +probably of the most trivial nature, and what happens? They brawl. +They--' + +'He 'it me,' said the long youth, dabbing at his face with a +handkerchief and pointing an accusing finger at Psmith, who regarded +him through his eyeglass with a look in which pity and censure were +nicely blended. + +Bill, meanwhile, circling round restlessly, in the apparent hope of +getting past the Law and having another encounter with Mike, expressed +himself in a stream of language which drew stern reproof from the +shocked constable. + +'You 'op it,' concluded the man in blue. 'That's what you do. You 'op +it.' + +'I should,' said Psmith kindly. 'The officer is speaking in your best +interests. A man of taste and discernment, he knows what is best. His +advice is good, and should be followed.' + +The constable seemed to notice Psmith for the first time. He turned and +stared at him. Psmith's praise had not had the effect of softening him. +His look was one of suspicion. + +'And what might _you_ have been up to?' he inquired coldly. 'This +man says you hit him.' + +Psmith waved the matter aside. + +'Purely in self-defence,' he said, 'purely in self-defence. What else +could the man of spirit do? A mere tap to discourage an aggressive +movement.' + +The policeman stood silent, weighing matters in the balance. He +produced a notebook and sucked his pencil. Then he called the conductor +of the tram as a witness. + +'A brainy and admirable step,' said Psmith, approvingly. 'This rugged, +honest man, all unused to verbal subtleties, shall give us his plain +account of what happened. After which, as I presume this tram--little +as I know of the habits of trams--has got to go somewhere today, I +would suggest that we all separated and moved on.' + +He took two half-crowns from his pocket, and began to clink them +meditatively together. A slight softening of the frigidity of the +constable's manner became noticeable. There was a milder beam in the +eyes which gazed into Psmith's. + +Nor did the conductor seem altogether uninfluenced by the sight. + +The conductor deposed that he had bin on the point of pushing on, +seeing as how he'd hung abart long enough, when he see'd them two +gents, the long 'un with the heye-glass (Psmith bowed) and t'other 'un, +a-legging of it dahn the road towards him, with the other blokes +pelting after 'em. He added that, when they reached the trem, the two +gents had got aboard, and was then set upon by the blokes. And after +that, he concluded, well, there was a bit of a scrap, and that's how it +was. + +'Lucidly and excellently put,' said Psmith. 'That is just how it was. +Comrade Jackson, I fancy we leave the court without a stain on our +characters. We win through. Er--constable, we have given you a great +deal of trouble. Possibly--?' + +'Thank you, sir.' There was a musical clinking. 'Now then, all of you, +you 'op it. You're all bin poking your noses in 'ere long enough. Pop +off. Get on with that tram, conductor.' Psmith and Mike settled +themselves in a seat on the roof. When the conductor came along, Psmith +gave him half a crown, and asked after his wife and the little ones at +home. The conductor thanked goodness that he was a bachelor, punched +the tickets, and retired. + +'Subject for a historical picture,' said Psmith. 'Wounded leaving the +field after the Battle of Clapham Common. How are your injuries, +Comrade Jackson?' + +'My back's hurting like blazes,' said Mike. 'And my ear's all sore +where that chap got me. Anything the matter with you?' + +'Physically,' said Psmith, 'no. Spiritually much. Do you realize, +Comrade Jackson, the thing that has happened? I am riding in a tram. I, +Psmith, have paid a penny for a ticket on a tram. If this should get +about the clubs! I tell you, Comrade Jackson, no such crisis has ever +occurred before in the course of my career.' + +'You can always get off, you know,' said Mike. + +'He thinks of everything,' said Psmith, admiringly. 'You have touched +the spot with an unerring finger. Let us descend. I observe in the +distance a cab. That looks to me more the sort of thing we want. Let us +go and parley with the driver.' + + + + +17. Sunday Supper + + +The cab took them back to the flat, at considerable expense, and Psmith +requested Mike to make tea, a performance in which he himself was +interested purely as a spectator. He had views on the subject of +tea-making which he liked to expound from an armchair or sofa, but he +never got further than this. Mike, his back throbbing dully from the +blow he had received, and feeling more than a little sore all over, +prepared the Etna, fetched the milk, and finally produced the finished +article. + +Psmith sipped meditatively. + +'How pleasant,' he said, 'after strife is rest. We shouldn't have +appreciated this simple cup of tea had our sensibilities remained +unstirred this afternoon. We can now sit at our ease, like warriors +after the fray, till the time comes for setting out to Comrade Waller's +once more.' + +Mike looked up. + +'What! You don't mean to say you're going to sweat out to Clapham +again?' + +'Undoubtedly. Comrade Waller is expecting us to supper.' + +'What absolute rot! We can't fag back there.' + +'Noblesse oblige. The cry has gone round the Waller household, "Jackson +and Psmith are coming to supper," and we cannot disappoint them now. +Already the fatted blanc-mange has been killed, and the table creaks +beneath what's left of the midday beef. We must be there; besides, +don't you want to see how the poor man is? Probably we shall find him +in the act of emitting his last breath. I expect he was lynched by the +enthusiastic mob.' + +'Not much,' grinned Mike. 'They were too busy with us. All right, I'll +come if you really want me to, but it's awful rot.' + +One of the many things Mike could never understand in Psmith was his +fondness for getting into atmospheres that were not his own. He would +go out of his way to do this. Mike, like most boys of his age, was +never really happy and at his ease except in the presence of those of +his own years and class. Psmith, on the contrary, seemed to be bored by +them, and infinitely preferred talking to somebody who lived in quite +another world. Mike was not a snob. He simply had not the ability to be +at his ease with people in another class from his own. He did not know +what to talk to them about, unless they were cricket professionals. +With them he was never at a loss. + +But Psmith was different. He could get on with anyone. He seemed to +have the gift of entering into their minds and seeing things from their +point of view. + +As regarded Mr Waller, Mike liked him personally, and was prepared, as +we have seen, to undertake considerable risks in his defence; but he +loathed with all his heart and soul the idea of supper at his house. He +knew that he would have nothing to say. Whereas Psmith gave him the +impression of looking forward to the thing as a treat. + + * * * * * + +The house where Mr Waller lived was one of a row of semi-detached +villas on the north side of the Common. The door was opened to them by +their host himself. So far from looking battered and emitting last +breaths, he appeared particularly spruce. He had just returned from +Church, and was still wearing his gloves and tall hat. He squeaked with +surprise when he saw who were standing on the mat. + +'Why, dear me, dear me,' he said. 'Here you are! I have been wondering +what had happened to you. I was afraid that you might have been +seriously hurt. I was afraid those ruffians might have injured you. +When last I saw you, you were being--' + +'Chivvied,' interposed Psmith, with dignified melancholy. 'Do not let +us try to wrap the fact up in pleasant words. We were being chivvied. +We were legging it with the infuriated mob at our heels. An ignominious +position for a Shropshire Psmith, but, after all, Napoleon did the +same.' + +'But what happened? I could not see. I only know that quite suddenly +the people seemed to stop listening to me, and all gathered round you +and Jackson. And then I saw that Jackson was engaged in a fight with a +young man.' + +'Comrade Jackson, I imagine, having heard a great deal about all men +being equal, was anxious to test the theory, and see whether Comrade +Bill was as good a man as he was. The experiment was broken off +prematurely, but I personally should be inclined to say that Comrade +Jackson had a shade the better of the exchanges.' + +Mr Waller looked with interest at Mike, who shuffled and felt awkward. +He was hoping that Psmith would say nothing about the reason of his +engaging Bill in combat. He had an uneasy feeling that Mr Waller's +gratitude would be effusive and overpowering, and he did not wish to +pose as the brave young hero. There are moments when one does not feel +equal to the _role_. + +Fortunately, before Mr Waller had time to ask any further questions, +the supper-bell sounded, and they went into the dining-room. + +Sunday supper, unless done on a large and informal scale, is probably +the most depressing meal in existence. There is a chill discomfort in +the round of beef, an icy severity about the open jam tart. The +blancmange shivers miserably. + +Spirituous liquor helps to counteract the influence of these things, +and so does exhilarating conversation. Unfortunately, at Mr Waller's +table there was neither. The cashier's views on temperance were not +merely for the platform; they extended to the home. And the company was +not of the exhilarating sort. Besides Psmith and Mike and their host, +there were four people present--Comrade Prebble, the orator; a young +man of the name of Richards; Mr Waller's niece, answering to the name +of Ada, who was engaged to Mr Richards; and Edward. + +Edward was Mr Waller's son. He was ten years old, wore a very tight +Eton suit, and had the peculiarly loathsome expression which a snub +nose sometimes gives to the young. + +It would have been plain to the most casual observer that Mr Waller was +fond and proud of his son. The cashier was a widower, and after five +minutes' acquaintance with Edward, Mike felt strongly that Mrs Waller +was the lucky one. Edward sat next to Mike, and showed a tendency to +concentrate his conversation on him. Psmith, at the opposite end of the +table, beamed in a fatherly manner upon the pair through his eyeglass. + +Mike got on with small girls reasonably well. He preferred them at a +distance, but, if cornered by them, could put up a fairly good show. +Small boys, however, filled him with a sort of frozen horror. It was +his view that a boy should not be exhibited publicly until he reached +an age when he might be in the running for some sort of colours at a +public school. + +Edward was one of those well-informed small boys. He opened on Mike +with the first mouthful. + +'Do you know the principal exports of Marseilles?' he inquired. + +'What?' said Mike coldly. + +'Do you know the principal exports of Marseilles? I do.' + +'Oh?' said Mike. + +'Yes. Do you know the capital of Madagascar?' + +Mike, as crimson as the beef he was attacking, said he did not. + +'I do.' + +'Oh?' said Mike. + +'Who was the first king--' + +'You mustn't worry Mr Jackson, Teddy,' said Mr Waller, with a touch of +pride in his voice, as who should say 'There are not many boys of his +age, I can tell you, who _could_ worry you with questions like +that.' + +'No, no, he likes it,' said Psmith, unnecessarily. 'He likes it. I +always hold that much may be learned by casual chit-chat across the +dinner-table. I owe much of my own grasp of--' + +'I bet _you_ don't know what's the capital of Madagascar,' +interrupted Mike rudely. + +'I do,' said Edward. 'I can tell you the kings of Israel?' he added, +turning to Mike. He seemed to have no curiosity as to the extent of +Psmith's knowledge. Mike's appeared to fascinate him. + +Mike helped himself to beetroot in moody silence. + +His mouth was full when Comrade Prebble asked him a question. Comrade +Prebble, as has been pointed out in an earlier part of the narrative, +was a good chap, but had no roof to his mouth. + +'I beg your pardon?' said Mike. + +Comrade Prebble repeated his observation. Mike looked helplessly at +Psmith, but Psmith's eyes were on his plate. + +Mike felt he must venture on some answer. + +'No,' he said decidedly. + +Comrade Prebble seemed slightly taken aback. There was an awkward +pause. Then Mr Waller, for whom his fellow Socialist's methods of +conversation held no mysteries, interpreted. + +'The mustard, Prebble? Yes, yes. Would you mind passing Prebble the +mustard, Mr Jackson?' + +'Oh, sorry,' gasped Mike, and, reaching out, upset the water-jug into +the open jam-tart. + +Through the black mist which rose before his eyes as he leaped to his +feet and stammered apologies came the dispassionate voice of Master +Edward Waller reminding him that mustard was first introduced into Peru +by Cortez. + +His host was all courtesy and consideration. He passed the matter off +genially. But life can never be quite the same after you have upset a +water-jug into an open jam-tart at the table of a comparative stranger. +Mike's nerve had gone. He ate on, but he was a broken man. + +At the other end of the table it became gradually apparent that things +were not going on altogether as they should have done. There was a sort +of bleakness in the atmosphere. Young Mr Richards was looking like a +stuffed fish, and the face of Mr Waller's niece was cold and set. + +'Why, come, come, Ada,' said Mr Waller, breezily, 'what's the matter? +You're eating nothing. What's George been saying to you?' he added +jocularly. + +'Thank you, uncle Robert,' replied Ada precisely, 'there's nothing the +matter. Nothing that Mr Richards can say to me can upset me.' + +'Mr Richards!' echoed Mr Waller in astonishment. How was he to know +that, during the walk back from church, the world had been transformed, +George had become Mr Richards, and all was over? + +'I assure you, Ada--' began that unfortunate young man. Ada turned a +frigid shoulder towards him. + +'Come, come,' said Mr Waller disturbed. 'What's all this? What's all +this?' + +His niece burst into tears and left the room. + +If there is anything more embarrassing to a guest than a family row, we +have yet to hear of it. Mike, scarlet to the extreme edges of his ears, +concentrated himself on his plate. Comrade Prebble made a great many +remarks, which were probably illuminating, if they could have been +understood. Mr Waller looked, astonished, at Mr Richards. Mr Richards, +pink but dogged, loosened his collar, but said nothing. Psmith, leaning +forward, asked Master Edward Waller his opinion on the Licensing Bill. + +'We happened to have a word or two,' said Mr Richards at length, 'on +the way home from church on the subject of Women's Suffrage.' + +'That fatal topic!' murmured Psmith. + +'In Australia--' began Master Edward Waller. + +'I was rayther--well, rayther facetious about it,' continued Mr +Richards. + +Psmith clicked his tongue sympathetically. + +'In Australia--' said Edward. + +'I went talking on, laughing and joking, when all of a sudden she flew +out at me. How was I to know she was 'eart and soul in the movement? +You never told me,' he added accusingly to his host. + +'In Australia--' said Edward. + +'I'll go and try and get her round. How was I to know?' + +Mr Richards thrust back his chair and bounded from the room. + +'Now, iawinyaw, iear oiler--' said Comrade Prebble judicially, but was +interrupted. + +'How very disturbing!' said Mr Waller. 'I am so sorry that this should +have happened. Ada is such a touchy, sensitive girl. She--' + +'In Australia,' said Edward in even tones, 'they've _got_ Women's +Suffrage already. Did _you_ know that?' he said to Mike. + +Mike made no answer. His eyes were fixed on his plate. A bead of +perspiration began to roll down his forehead. If his feelings could +have been ascertained at that moment, they would have been summed up in +the words, 'Death, where is thy sting?' + + + + +18. Psmith Makes a Discovery + + +'Women,' said Psmith, helping himself to trifle, and speaking with the +air of one launched upon his special subject, 'are, one must recollect, +like--like--er, well, in fact, just so. Passing on lightly from that +conclusion, let us turn for a moment to the Rights of Property, in +connection with which Comrade Prebble and yourself had so much that was +interesting to say this afternoon. Perhaps you'--he bowed in Comrade +Prebble's direction--'would resume, for the benefit of Comrade Jackson--a +novice in the Cause, but earnest--your very lucid--' + +Comrade Prebble beamed, and took the floor. Mike began to realize that, +till now, he had never known what boredom meant. There had been moments +in his life which had been less interesting than other moments, but +nothing to touch this for agony. Comrade Prebble's address streamed on +like water rushing over a weir. Every now and then there was a word or +two which was recognizable, but this happened so rarely that it +amounted to little. Sometimes Mr Waller would interject a remark, but +not often. He seemed to be of the opinion that Comrade Prebble's was +the master mind and that to add anything to his views would be in the +nature of painting the lily and gilding the refined gold. Mike himself +said nothing. Psmith and Edward were equally silent. The former sat +like one in a trance, thinking his own thoughts, while Edward, who, +prospecting on the sideboard, had located a rich biscuit-mine, was too +occupied for speech. + +After about twenty minutes, during which Mike's discomfort changed to a +dull resignation, Mr Waller suggested a move to the drawing-room, where +Ada, he said, would play some hymns. + +The prospect did not dazzle Mike, but any change, he thought, must be +for the better. He had sat staring at the ruin of the blancmange so +long that it had begun to hypnotize him. Also, the move had the +excellent result of eliminating the snub-nosed Edward, who was sent to +bed. His last words were in the form of a question, addressed to Mike, +on the subject of the hypotenuse and the square upon the same. + +'A remarkably intelligent boy,' said Psmith. 'You must let him come to +tea at our flat one day. I may not be in myself--I have many duties +which keep me away--but Comrade Jackson is sure to be there, and will +be delighted to chat with him.' + +On the way upstairs Mike tried to get Psmith to himself for a moment to +suggest the advisability of an early departure; but Psmith was in close +conversation with his host. Mike was left to Comrade Prebble, who, +apparently, had only touched the fringe of his subject in his lecture +in the dining-room. + +When Mr Waller had predicted hymns in the drawing-room, he had been too +sanguine (or too pessimistic). Of Ada, when they arrived, there were no +signs. It seemed that she had gone straight to bed. Young Mr Richards +was sitting on the sofa, moodily turning the leaves of a photograph +album, which contained portraits of Master Edward Waller in +geometrically progressing degrees of repulsiveness--here, in frocks, +looking like a gargoyle; there, in sailor suit, looking like nothing on +earth. The inspection of these was obviously deepening Mr Richards' +gloom, but he proceeded doggedly with it. + +Comrade Prebble backed the reluctant Mike into a corner, and, like the +Ancient Mariner, held him with a glittering eye. Psmith and Mr Waller, +in the opposite corner, were looking at something with their heads +close together. Mike definitely abandoned all hope of a rescue from +Psmith, and tried to buoy himself up with the reflection that this +could not last for ever. + +Hours seemed to pass, and then at last he heard Psmith's voice saying +good-bye to his host. + +He sprang to his feet. Comrade Prebble was in the middle of a sentence, +but this was no time for polished courtesy. He felt that he must get +away, and at once. 'I fear,' Psmith was saying, 'that we must tear +ourselves away. We have greatly enjoyed our evening. You must look us +up at our flat one day, and bring Comrade Prebble. If I am not in, +Comrade Jackson is certain to be, and he will be more than delighted to +hear Comrade Prebble speak further on the subject of which he is such a +master.' Comrade Prebble was understood to say that he would certainly +come. Mr Waller beamed. Mr Richards, still steeped in gloom, shook +hands in silence. + +Out in the road, with the front door shut behind them, Mike spoke his +mind. + +'Look here, Smith,' he said definitely, 'if being your confidential +secretary and adviser is going to let me in for any more of that sort +of thing, you can jolly well accept my resignation.' + +'The orgy was not to your taste?' said Psmith sympathetically. + +Mike laughed. One of those short, hollow, bitter laughs. + +'I am at a loss, Comrade Jackson,' said Psmith, 'to understand your +attitude. You fed sumptuously. You had fun with the crockery--that +knockabout act of yours with the water-jug was alone worth the +money--and you had the advantage of listening to the views of a +master of his subject. What more do you want?' + +'What on earth did you land me with that man Prebble for?' + +'Land you! Why, you courted his society. I had practically to drag you +away from him. When I got up to say good-bye, you were listening to him +with bulging eyes. I never saw such a picture of rapt attention. Do you +mean to tell me, Comrade Jackson, that your appearance belied you, that +you were not interested? Well, well. How we misread our fellow +creatures.' + +'I think you might have come and lent a hand with Prebble. It was a bit +thick.' + +'I was too absorbed with Comrade Waller. We were talking of things of +vital moment. However, the night is yet young. We will take this cab, +wend our way to the West, seek a cafe, and cheer ourselves with light +refreshments.' + +Arrived at a cafe whose window appeared to be a sort of museum of every +kind of German sausage, they took possession of a vacant table and +ordered coffee. Mike soon found himself soothed by his bright +surroundings, and gradually his impressions of blancmange, Edward, and +Comrade Prebble faded from his mind. Psmith, meanwhile, was preserving +an unusual silence, being deep in a large square book of the sort in +which Press cuttings are pasted. As Psmith scanned its contents a +curious smile lit up his face. His reflections seemed to be of an +agreeable nature. + +'Hullo,' said Mike, 'what have you got hold of there? Where did you get +that?' + +'Comrade Waller very kindly lent it to me. He showed it to me after +supper, knowing how enthusiastically I was attached to the Cause. Had +you been less tensely wrapped up in Comrade Prebble's conversation, I +would have desired you to step across and join us. However, you now +have your opportunity.' + +'But what is it?' asked Mike. + +'It is the record of the meetings of the Tulse Hill Parliament,' said +Psmith impressively. 'A faithful record of all they said, all the votes +of confidence they passed in the Government, and also all the nasty +knocks they gave it from time to time.' + +'What on earth's the Tulse Hill Parliament?' + +'It is, alas,' said Psmith in a grave, sad voice, 'no more. In life it +was beautiful, but now it has done the Tom Bowling act. It has gone +aloft. We are dealing, Comrade Jackson, not with the live, vivid +present, but with the far-off, rusty past. And yet, in a way, there is +a touch of the live, vivid present mixed up in it.' + +'I don't know what the dickens you're talking about,' said Mike. 'Let's +have a look, anyway.' + +Psmith handed him the volume, and, leaning back, sipped his coffee, and +watched him. At first Mike's face was bored and blank, but suddenly an +interested look came into it. + +'Aha!' said Psmith. + +'Who's Bickersdyke? Anything to do with our Bickersdyke?' + +'No other than our genial friend himself.' + +Mike turned the pages, reading a line or two on each. + +'Hullo!' he said, chuckling. 'He lets himself go a bit, doesn't he!' + +'He does,' acknowledged Psmith. 'A fiery, passionate nature, that of +Comrade Bickersdyke.' + +'He's simply cursing the Government here. Giving them frightful beans.' + +Psmith nodded. + +'I noticed the fact myself.' + +'But what's it all about?' + +'As far as I can glean from Comrade Waller,' said Psmith, 'about twenty +years ago, when he and Comrade Bickersdyke worked hand-in-hand as +fellow clerks at the New Asiatic, they were both members of the Tulse +Hill Parliament, that powerful institution. At that time Comrade +Bickersdyke was as fruity a Socialist as Comrade Waller is now. Only, +apparently, as he began to get on a bit in the world, he altered his +views to some extent as regards the iniquity of freezing on to a decent +share of the doubloons. And that, you see, is where the dim and rusty +past begins to get mixed up with the live, vivid present. If any +tactless person were to publish those very able speeches made by +Comrade Bickersdyke when a bulwark of the Tulse Hill Parliament, our +revered chief would be more or less caught bending, if I may employ the +expression, as regards his chances of getting in as Unionist candidate +at Kenningford. You follow me, Watson? I rather fancy the light-hearted +electors of Kenningford, from what I have seen of their rather acute +sense of humour, would be, as it were, all over it. It would be very, +very trying for Comrade Bickersdyke if these speeches of his were to +get about.' + +'You aren't going to--!' + +'I shall do nothing rashly. I shall merely place this handsome volume +among my treasured books. I shall add it to my "Books that have helped +me" series. Because I fancy that, in an emergency, it may not be at all +a bad thing to have about me. And now,' he concluded, 'as the hour is +getting late, perhaps we had better be shoving off for home.' + + + + +19. The Illness of Edward + + +Life in a bank is at its pleasantest in the winter. When all the world +outside is dark and damp and cold, the light and warmth of the place +are comforting. There is a pleasant air of solidity about the interior +of a bank. The green shaded lamps look cosy. And, the outside world +offering so few attractions, the worker, perched on his stool, feels +that he is not so badly off after all. It is when the days are long and +the sun beats hot on the pavement, and everything shouts to him how +splendid it is out in the country, that he begins to grow restless. + +Mike, except for a fortnight at the beginning of his career in the New +Asiatic Bank, had not had to stand the test of sunshine. At present, +the weather being cold and dismal, he was almost entirely contented. +Now that he had got into the swing of his work, the days passed very +quickly; and with his life after office-hours he had no fault to find +at all. + +His life was very regular. He would arrive in the morning just in time +to sign his name in the attendance-book before it was removed to the +accountant's room. That was at ten o'clock. From ten to eleven he would +potter. There was nothing going on at that time in his department, and +Mr Waller seemed to take it for granted that he should stroll off to +the Postage Department and talk to Psmith, who had generally some fresh +grievance against the ring-wearing Bristow to air. From eleven to half +past twelve he would put in a little gentle work. Lunch, unless there +was a rush of business or Mr Waller happened to suffer from a spasm of +conscientiousness, could be spun out from half past twelve to two. More +work from two till half past three. From half past three till half past +four tea in the tearoom, with a novel. And from half past four till +five either a little more work or more pottering, according to whether +there was any work to do or not. It was by no means an unpleasant mode +of spending a late January day. + +Then there was no doubt that it was an interesting little community, +that of the New Asiatic Bank. The curiously amateurish nature of the +institution lent a certain air of light-heartedness to the place. It +was not like one of those banks whose London office is their main +office, where stern business is everything and a man becomes a mere +machine for getting through a certain amount of routine work. The +employees of the New Asiatic Bank, having plenty of time on their +hands, were able to retain their individuality. They had leisure to +think of other things besides their work. Indeed, they had so much +leisure that it is a wonder they thought of their work at all. + +The place was full of quaint characters. There was West, who had been +requested to leave Haileybury owing to his habit of borrowing horses +and attending meets in the neighbourhood, the same being always out of +bounds and necessitating a complete disregard of the rules respecting +evening chapel and lock-up. He was a small, dried-up youth, with black +hair plastered down on his head. He went about his duties in a costume +which suggested the sportsman of the comic papers. + +There was also Hignett, who added to the meagre salary allowed him by +the bank by singing comic songs at the minor music halls. He confided +to Mike his intention of leaving the bank as soon as he had made a +name, and taking seriously to the business. He told him that he had +knocked them at the Bedford the week before, and in support of the +statement showed him a cutting from the Era, in which the writer said +that 'Other acceptable turns were the Bounding Zouaves, Steingruber's +Dogs, and Arthur Hignett.' Mike wished him luck. + +And there was Raymond who dabbled in journalism and was the author of +'Straight Talks to Housewives' in _Trifles_, under the pseudonym +of 'Lady Gussie'; Wragge, who believed that the earth was flat, and +addressed meetings on the subject in Hyde Park on Sundays; and many +others, all interesting to talk to of a morning when work was slack and +time had to be filled in. + +Mike found himself, by degrees, growing quite attached to the New +Asiatic Bank. + +One morning, early in February, he noticed a curious change in Mr +Waller. The head of the Cash Department was, as a rule, mildly cheerful +on arrival, and apt (excessively, Mike thought, though he always +listened with polite interest) to relate the most recent sayings and +doings of his snub-nosed son, Edward. No action of this young prodigy +was withheld from Mike. He had heard, on different occasions, how he +had won a prize at his school for General Information (which Mike could +well believe); how he had trapped young Mr Richards, now happily +reconciled to Ada, with an ingenious verbal catch; and how he had made +a sequence of diverting puns on the name of the new curate, during the +course of that cleric's first Sunday afternoon visit. + +On this particular day, however, the cashier was silent and +absent-minded. He answered Mike's good-morning mechanically, and +sitting down at his desk, stared blankly across the building. There +was a curiously grey, tired look on his face. + +Mike could not make it out. He did not like to ask if there was +anything the matter. Mr Waller's face had the unreasonable effect on +him of making him feel shy and awkward. Anything in the nature of +sorrow always dried Mike up and robbed him of the power of speech. +Being naturally sympathetic, he had raged inwardly in many a crisis at +this devil of dumb awkwardness which possessed him and prevented him +from putting his sympathy into words. He had always envied the cooing +readiness of the hero on the stage when anyone was in trouble. He +wondered whether he would ever acquire that knack of pouring out a +limpid stream of soothing words on such occasions. At present he could +get no farther than a scowl and an almost offensive gruffness. + +The happy thought struck him of consulting Psmith. It was his hour for +pottering, so he pottered round to the Postage Department, where he +found the old Etonian eyeing with disfavour a new satin tie which +Bristow was wearing that morning for the first time. + +'I say, Smith,' he said, 'I want to speak to you for a second.' + +Psmith rose. Mike led the way to a quiet corner of the Telegrams +Department. + +'I tell you, Comrade Jackson,' said Psmith, 'I am hard pressed. The +fight is beginning to be too much for me. After a grim struggle, after +days of unremitting toil, I succeeded yesterday in inducing the man +Bristow to abandon that rainbow waistcoat of his. Today I enter the +building, blythe and buoyant, worn, of course, from the long struggle, +but seeing with aching eyes the dawn of another, better era, and there +is Comrade Bristow in a satin tie. It's hard, Comrade Jackson, it's +hard, I tell you.' + +'Look here, Smith,' said Mike, 'I wish you'd go round to the Cash and +find out what's up with old Waller. He's got the hump about something. +He's sitting there looking absolutely fed up with things. I hope +there's nothing up. He's not a bad sort. It would be rot if anything +rotten's happened.' + +Psmith began to display a gentle interest. + +'So other people have troubles as well as myself,' he murmured +musingly. 'I had almost forgotten that. Comrade Waller's misfortunes +cannot but be trivial compared with mine, but possibly it will be as +well to ascertain their nature. I will reel round and make inquiries.' + +'Good man,' said Mike. 'I'll wait here.' + +Psmith departed, and returned, ten minutes later, looking more serious +than when he had left. + +'His kid's ill, poor chap,' he said briefly. 'Pretty badly too, from +what I can gather. Pneumonia. Waller was up all night. He oughtn't to +be here at all today. He doesn't know what he's doing half the time. +He's absolutely fagged out. Look here, you'd better nip back and do as +much of the work as you can. I shouldn't talk to him much if I were +you. Buck along.' + +Mike went. Mr Waller was still sitting staring out across the aisle. +There was something more than a little gruesome in the sight of him. He +wore a crushed, beaten look, as if all the life and fight had gone out +of him. A customer came to the desk to cash a cheque. The cashier +shovelled the money to him under the bars with the air of one whose +mind is elsewhere. Mike could guess what he was feeling, and what he +was thinking about. The fact that the snub-nosed Edward was, without +exception, the most repulsive small boy he had ever met in this world, +where repulsive small boys crowd and jostle one another, did not +interfere with his appreciation of the cashier's state of mind. Mike's +was essentially a sympathetic character. He had the gift of intuitive +understanding, where people of whom he was fond were concerned. It was +this which drew to him those who had intelligence enough to see beyond +his sometimes rather forbidding manner, and to realize that his blunt +speech was largely due to shyness. In spite of his prejudice against +Edward, he could put himself into Mr Waller's place, and see the thing +from his point of view. + +Psmith's injunction to him not to talk much was unnecessary. Mike, as +always, was rendered utterly dumb by the sight of suffering. He sat at +his desk, occupying himself as best he could with the driblets of work +which came to him. + +Mr Waller's silence and absentness continued unchanged. The habit of +years had made his work mechanical. Probably few of the customers who +came to cash cheques suspected that there was anything the matter with +the man who paid them their money. After all, most people look on the +cashier of a bank as a sort of human slot-machine. You put in your +cheque, and out comes money. It is no affair of yours whether life is +treating the machine well or ill that day. + +The hours dragged slowly by till five o'clock struck, and the cashier, +putting on his coat and hat, passed silently out through the swing +doors. He walked listlessly. He was evidently tired out. + +Mike shut his ledger with a vicious bang, and went across to find +Psmith. He was glad the day was over. + + + + +20. Concerning a Cheque + + +Things never happen quite as one expects them to. Mike came to the +office next morning prepared for a repetition of the previous day. He +was amazed to find the cashier not merely cheerful, but even +exuberantly cheerful. Edward, it appeared, had rallied in the +afternoon, and, when his father had got home, had been out of danger. +He was now going along excellently, and had stumped Ada, who was +nursing him, with a question about the Thirty Years' War, only a few +minutes before his father had left to catch his train. The cashier was +overflowing with happiness and goodwill towards his species. He greeted +customers with bright remarks on the weather, and snappy views on the +leading events of the day: the former tinged with optimism, the latter +full of a gentle spirit of toleration. His attitude towards the latest +actions of His Majesty's Government was that of one who felt that, +after all, there was probably some good even in the vilest of his +fellow creatures, if one could only find it. + +Altogether, the cloud had lifted from the Cash Department. All was joy, +jollity, and song. + +'The attitude of Comrade Waller,' said Psmith, on being informed of the +change, 'is reassuring. I may now think of my own troubles. Comrade +Bristow has blown into the office today in patent leather boots with +white kid uppers, as I believe the technical term is. Add to that the +fact that he is still wearing the satin tie, the waistcoat, and the +ring, and you will understand why I have definitely decided this +morning to abandon all hope of his reform. Henceforth my services, for +what they are worth, are at the disposal of Comrade Bickersdyke. My +time from now onward is his. He shall have the full educative value of +my exclusive attention. I give Comrade Bristow up. Made straight for +the corner flag, you understand,' he added, as Mr Rossiter emerged from +his lair, 'and centred, and Sandy Turnbull headed a beautiful goal. I +was just telling Jackson about the match against Blackburn Rovers,' he +said to Mr Rossiter. + +'Just so, just so. But get on with your work, Smith. We are a little +behind-hand. I think perhaps it would be as well not to leave it just +yet.' + +'I will leap at it at once,' said Psmith cordially. + +Mike went back to his department. + +The day passed quickly. Mr Waller, in the intervals of work, talked a +good deal, mostly of Edward, his doings, his sayings, and his +prospects. The only thing that seemed to worry Mr Waller was the +problem of how to employ his son's almost superhuman talents to the +best advantage. Most of the goals towards which the average man strives +struck him as too unambitious for the prodigy. + +By the end of the day Mike had had enough of Edward. He never wished to +hear the name again. + +We do not claim originality for the statement that things never happen +quite as one expects them to. We repeat it now because of its profound +truth. The Edward's pneumonia episode having ended satisfactorily (or, +rather, being apparently certain to end satisfactorily, for the +invalid, though out of danger, was still in bed), Mike looked forward +to a series of days unbroken by any but the minor troubles of life. For +these he was prepared. What he did not expect was any big calamity. + +At the beginning of the day there were no signs of it. The sky was blue +and free from all suggestions of approaching thunderbolts. Mr Waller, +still chirpy, had nothing but good news of Edward. Mike went for his +morning stroll round the office feeling that things had settled down +and had made up their mind to run smoothly. + +When he got back, barely half an hour later, the storm had burst. + +There was no one in the department at the moment of his arrival; but a +few minutes later he saw Mr Waller come out of the manager's room, and +make his way down the aisle. + +It was his walk which first gave any hint that something was wrong. It +was the same limp, crushed walk which Mike had seen when Edward's +safety still hung in the balance. + +As Mr Waller came nearer, Mike saw that the cashier's face was deadly +pale. + +Mr Waller caught sight of him and quickened his pace. + +'Jackson,' he said. + +Mike came forward. + +'Do you--remember--' he spoke slowly, and with an effort, 'do you +remember a cheque coming through the day before yesterday for a hundred +pounds, with Sir John Morrison's signature?' + +'Yes. It came in the morning, rather late.' + +Mike remembered the cheque perfectly well, owing to the amount. It was +the only three-figure cheque which had come across the counter during +the day. It had been presented just before the cashier had gone out to +lunch. He recollected the man who had presented it, a tallish man with +a beard. He had noticed him particularly because of the contrast +between his manner and that of the cashier. The former had been so very +cheery and breezy, the latter so dazed and silent. + +'Why,' he said. + +'It was a forgery,' muttered Mr Waller, sitting down heavily. + +Mike could not take it in all at once. He was stunned. All he could +understand was that a far worse thing had happened than anything he +could have imagined. + +'A forgery?' he said. + +'A forgery. And a clumsy one. Oh it's hard. I should have seen it on +any other day but that. I could not have missed it. They showed me the +cheque in there just now. I could not believe that I had passed it. I +don't remember doing it. My mind was far away. I don't remember the +cheque or anything about it. Yet there it is.' + +Once more Mike was tongue-tied. For the life of him he could not think +of anything to say. Surely, he thought, he could find _something_ +in the shape of words to show his sympathy. But he could find nothing +that would not sound horribly stilted and cold. He sat silent. + +'Sir John is in there,' went on the cashier. 'He is furious. Mr +Bickersdyke, too. They are both furious. I shall be dismissed. I shall +lose my place. I shall be dismissed.' He was talking more to himself +than to Mike. It was dreadful to see him sitting there, all limp and +broken. + +'I shall lose my place. Mr Bickersdyke has wanted to get rid of me for +a long time. He never liked me. I shall be dismissed. What can I do? +I'm an old man. I can't make another start. I am good for nothing. +Nobody will take an old man like me.' + +His voice died away. There was a silence. Mike sat staring miserably in +front of him. + +Then, quite suddenly, an idea came to him. The whole pressure of the +atmosphere seemed to lift. He saw a way out. It was a curious crooked +way, but at that moment it stretched clear and broad before him. He +felt lighthearted and excited, as if he were watching the development +of some interesting play at the theatre. + +He got up, smiling. + +The cashier did not notice the movement. Somebody had come in to cash a +cheque, and he was working mechanically. + +Mike walked up the aisle to Mr Bickersdyke's room, and went in. + +The manager was in his chair at the big table. Opposite him, facing +slightly sideways, was a small, round, very red-faced man. Mr +Bickersdyke was speaking as Mike entered. + +'I can assure you, Sir John--' he was saying. + +He looked up as the door opened. + +'Well, Mr Jackson?' + +Mike almost laughed. The situation was tickling him. + +'Mr Waller has told me--' he began. + +'I have already seen Mr Waller.' + +'I know. He told me about the cheque. I came to explain.' + +'Explain?' + +'Yes. He didn't cash it at all.' + +'I don't understand you, Mr Jackson.' + +'I was at the counter when it was brought in,' said Mike. 'I cashed it.' + + + + +21. Psmith Makes Inquiries + + +Psmith, as was his habit of a morning when the fierce rush of his +commercial duties had abated somewhat, was leaning gracefully against +his desk, musing on many things, when he was aware that Bristow was +standing before him. + +Focusing his attention with some reluctance upon this blot on the +horizon, he discovered that the exploiter of rainbow waistcoats and +satin ties was addressing him. + +'I say, Smithy,' said Bristow. He spoke in rather an awed voice. + +'Say on, Comrade Bristow,' said Psmith graciously. 'You have our ear. +You would seem to have something on your chest in addition to that +Neapolitan ice garment which, I regret to see, you still flaunt. If it +is one tithe as painful as that, you have my sympathy. Jerk it out, +Comrade Bristow.' + +'Jackson isn't half copping it from old Bick.' + +'Isn't--? What exactly did you say?' + +'He's getting it hot on the carpet.' + +'You wish to indicate,' said Psmith, 'that there is some slight +disturbance, some passing breeze between Comrades Jackson and +Bickersdyke?' + +Bristow chuckled. + +'Breeze! Blooming hurricane, more like it. I was in Bick's room just +now with a letter to sign, and I tell you, the fur was flying all over +the bally shop. There was old Bick cursing for all he was worth, and a +little red-faced buffer puffing out his cheeks in an armchair.' + +'We all have our hobbies,' said Psmith. + +'Jackson wasn't saying much. He jolly well hadn't a chance. Old Bick +was shooting it out fourteen to the dozen.' + +'I have been privileged,' said Psmith, 'to hear Comrade Bickersdyke +speak both in his sanctum and in public. He has, as you suggest, a +ready flow of speech. What, exactly was the cause of the turmoil?' + +'I couldn't wait to hear. I was too jolly glad to get away. Old Bick +looked at me as if he could eat me, snatched the letter out of my hand, +signed it, and waved his hand at the door as a hint to hop it. Which I +jolly well did. He had started jawing Jackson again before I was out of +the room.' + +'While applauding his hustle,' said Psmith, 'I fear that I must take +official notice of this. Comrade Jackson is essentially a Sensitive +Plant, highly strung, neurotic. I cannot have his nervous system jolted +and disorganized in this manner, and his value as a confidential +secretary and adviser impaired, even though it be only temporarily. I +must look into this. I will go and see if the orgy is concluded. I will +hear what Comrade Jackson has to say on the matter. I shall not act +rashly, Comrade Bristow. If the man Bickersdyke is proved to have had +good grounds for his outbreak, he shall escape uncensured. I may even +look in on him and throw him a word of praise. But if I find, as I +suspect, that he has wronged Comrade Jackson, I shall be forced to +speak sharply to him.' + + * * * * * + +Mike had left the scene of battle by the time Psmith reached the Cash +Department, and was sitting at his desk in a somewhat dazed condition, +trying to clear his mind sufficiently to enable him to see exactly how +matters stood as concerned himself. He felt confused and rattled. He +had known, when he went to the manager's room to make his statement, +that there would be trouble. But, then, trouble is such an elastic +word. It embraces a hundred degrees of meaning. Mike had expected +sentence of dismissal, and he had got it. So far he had nothing to +complain of. But he had not expected it to come to him riding high on +the crest of a great, frothing wave of verbal denunciation. Mr +Bickersdyke, through constantly speaking in public, had developed the +habit of fluent denunciation to a remarkable extent. He had thundered +at Mike as if Mike had been his Majesty's Government or the Encroaching +Alien, or something of that sort. And that kind of thing is a little +overwhelming at short range. Mike's head was still spinning. + +It continued to spin; but he never lost sight of the fact round which +it revolved, namely, that he had been dismissed from the service of the +bank. And for the first time he began to wonder what they would say +about this at home. + +Up till now the matter had seemed entirely a personal one. He had +charged in to rescue the harassed cashier in precisely the same way as +that in which he had dashed in to save him from Bill, the Stone-Flinging +Scourge of Clapham Common. Mike's was one of those direct, honest minds +which are apt to concentrate themselves on the crisis of the moment, +and to leave the consequences out of the question entirely. + +What would they say at home? That was the point. + +Again, what could he do by way of earning a living? He did not know +much about the City and its ways, but he knew enough to understand that +summary dismissal from a bank is not the best recommendation one can +put forward in applying for another job. And if he did not get another +job in the City, what could he do? If it were only summer, he might get +taken on somewhere as a cricket professional. Cricket was his line. He +could earn his pay at that. But it was very far from being summer. + +He had turned the problem over in his mind till his head ached, and had +eaten in the process one-third of a wooden penholder, when Psmith +arrived. + +'It has reached me,' said Psmith, 'that you and Comrade Bickersdyke +have been seen doing the Hackenschmidt-Gotch act on the floor. When my +informant left, he tells me, Comrade B. had got a half-Nelson on you, +and was biting pieces out of your ear. Is this so?' + +Mike got up. Psmith was the man, he felt, to advise him in this crisis. +Psmith's was the mind to grapple with his Hard Case. + +'Look here, Smith,' he said, 'I want to speak to you. I'm in a bit of a +hole, and perhaps you can tell me what to do. Let's go out and have a +cup of coffee, shall we? I can't tell you about it here.' + +'An admirable suggestion,' said Psmith. 'Things in the Postage +Department are tolerably quiescent at present. Naturally I shall be +missed, if I go out. But my absence will not spell irretrievable ruin, +as it would at a period of greater commercial activity. Comrades +Rossiter and Bristow have studied my methods. They know how I like +things to be done. They are fully competent to conduct the business of +the department in my absence. Let us, as you say, scud forth. We will +go to a Mecca. Why so-called I do not know, nor, indeed, do I ever hope +to know. There we may obtain, at a price, a passable cup of coffee, and +you shall tell me your painful story.' + +The Mecca, except for the curious aroma which pervades all Meccas, was +deserted. Psmith, moving a box of dominoes on to the next table, sat +down. + +'Dominoes,' he said, 'is one of the few manly sports which have never +had great attractions for me. A cousin of mine, who secured his chess +blue at Oxford, would, they tell me, have represented his University in +the dominoes match also, had he not unfortunately dislocated the radius +bone of his bazooka while training for it. Except for him, there has +been little dominoes talent in the Psmith family. Let us merely talk. +What of this slight brass-rag-parting to which I alluded just now? Tell +me all.' + +He listened gravely while Mike related the incidents which had led up +to his confession and the results of the same. At the conclusion of the +narrative he sipped his coffee in silence for a moment. + +'This habit of taking on to your shoulders the harvest of other +people's bloomers,' he said meditatively, 'is growing upon you, Comrade +Jackson. You must check it. It is like dram-drinking. You begin in a +small way by breaking school rules to extract Comrade Jellicoe (perhaps +the supremest of all the blitherers I have ever met) from a hole. If +you had stopped there, all might have been well. But the thing, once +started, fascinated you. Now you have landed yourself with a splash in +the very centre of the Oxo in order to do a good turn to Comrade +Waller. You must drop it, Comrade Jackson. When you were free and +without ties, it did not so much matter. But now that you are +confidential secretary and adviser to a Shropshire Psmith, the thing +must stop. Your secretarial duties must be paramount. Nothing must be +allowed to interfere with them. Yes. The thing must stop before it goes +too far.' + +'It seems to me,' said Mike, 'that it has gone too far. I've got the +sack. I don't know how much farther you want it to go.' + +Psmith stirred his coffee before replying. + +'True,' he said, 'things look perhaps a shade rocky just now, but all +is not yet lost. You must recollect that Comrade Bickersdyke spoke in +the heat of the moment. That generous temperament was stirred to its +depths. He did not pick his words. But calm will succeed storm, and we +may be able to do something yet. I have some little influence with +Comrade Bickersdyke. Wrongly, perhaps,' added Psmith modestly, 'he +thinks somewhat highly of my judgement. If he sees that I am opposed to +this step, he may possibly reconsider it. What Psmith thinks today, is +his motto, I shall think tomorrow. However, we shall see.' + +'I bet we shall!' said Mike ruefully. + +'There is, moreover,' continued Psmith, 'another aspect to the affair. +When you were being put through it, in Comrade Bickersdyke's inimitably +breezy manner, Sir John What's-his-name was, I am given to understand, +present. Naturally, to pacify the aggrieved bart., Comrade B. had to +lay it on regardless of expense. In America, as possibly you are aware, +there is a regular post of mistake-clerk, whose duty it is to receive +in the neck anything that happens to be coming along when customers +make complaints. He is hauled into the presence of the foaming +customer, cursed, and sacked. The customer goes away appeased. The +mistake-clerk, if the harangue has been unusually energetic, applies +for a rise of salary. Now, possibly, in your case--' + +'In my case,' interrupted Mike, 'there was none of that rot. +Bickersdyke wasn't putting it on. He meant every word. Why, dash it +all, you know yourself he'd be only too glad to sack me, just to get +some of his own back with me.' + +Psmith's eyes opened in pained surprise. + +'Get some of his own back!' he repeated. + +'Are you insinuating, Comrade Jackson, that my relations with Comrade +Bickersdyke are not of the most pleasant and agreeable nature possible? +How do these ideas get about? I yield to nobody in my respect for our +manager. I may have had occasion from time to time to correct him in +some trifling matter, but surely he is not the man to let such a thing +rankle? No! I prefer to think that Comrade Bickersdyke regards me as +his friend and well-wisher, and will lend a courteous ear to any +proposal I see fit to make. I hope shortly to be able to prove this to +you. I will discuss this little affair of the cheque with him at our +ease at the club, and I shall be surprised if we do not come to some +arrangement.' + +'Look here, Smith,' said Mike earnestly, 'for goodness' sake don't go +playing the goat. There's no earthly need for you to get lugged into +this business. Don't you worry about me. I shall be all right.' + +'I think,' said Psmith, 'that you will--when I have chatted with +Comrade Bickersdyke.' + + + + +22. And Take Steps + + +On returning to the bank, Mike found Mr Waller in the grip of a +peculiarly varied set of mixed feelings. Shortly after Mike's departure +for the Mecca, the cashier had been summoned once more into the +Presence, and had there been informed that, as apparently he had not +been directly responsible for the gross piece of carelessness by which +the bank had suffered so considerable a loss (here Sir John puffed out +his cheeks like a meditative toad), the matter, as far as he was +concerned, was at an end. On the other hand--! Here Mr Waller was +hauled over the coals for Incredible Rashness in allowing a mere junior +subordinate to handle important tasks like the paying out of money, and +so on, till he felt raw all over. However, it was not dismissal. That +was the great thing. And his principal sensation was one of relief. + +Mingled with the relief were sympathy for Mike, gratitude to him for +having given himself up so promptly, and a curiously dazed sensation, +as if somebody had been hitting him on the head with a bolster. + +All of which emotions, taken simultaneously, had the effect of +rendering him completely dumb when he saw Mike. He felt that he did not +know what to say to him. And as Mike, for his part, simply wanted to be +let alone, and not compelled to talk, conversation was at something of +a standstill in the Cash Department. + +After five minutes, it occurred to Mr Waller that perhaps the best plan +would be to interview Psmith. Psmith would know exactly how matters +stood. He could not ask Mike point-blank whether he had been dismissed. +But there was the probability that Psmith had been informed and would +pass on the information. + +Psmith received the cashier with a dignified kindliness. + +'Oh, er, Smith,' said Mr Waller, 'I wanted just to ask you about +Jackson.' + +Psmith bowed his head gravely. + +'Exactly,' he said. 'Comrade Jackson. I think I may say that you have +come to the right man. Comrade Jackson has placed himself in my hands, +and I am dealing with his case. A somewhat tricky business, but I shall +see him through.' + +'Has he--?' Mr Waller hesitated. + +'You were saying?' said Psmith. + +'Does Mr Bickersdyke intend to dismiss him?' + +'At present,' admitted Psmith, 'there is some idea of that description +floating--nebulously, as it were--in Comrade Bickersdyke's mind. +Indeed, from what I gather from my client, the push was actually +administered, in so many words. But tush! And possibly bah! we know +what happens on these occasions, do we not? You and I are students of +human nature, and we know that a man of Comrade Bickersdyke's +warm-hearted type is apt to say in the heat of the moment a great deal +more than he really means. Men of his impulsive character cannot help +expressing themselves in times of stress with a certain generous +strength which those who do not understand them are inclined to take a +little too seriously. I shall have a chat with Comrade Bickersdyke at +the conclusion of the day's work, and I have no doubt that we shall +both laugh heartily over this little episode.' + +Mr Waller pulled at his beard, with an expression on his face that +seemed to suggest that he was not quite so confident on this point. He +was about to put his doubts into words when Mr Rossiter appeared, and +Psmith, murmuring something about duty, turned again to his ledger. The +cashier drifted back to his own department. + +It was one of Psmith's theories of Life, which he was accustomed to +propound to Mike in the small hours of the morning with his feet on the +mantelpiece, that the secret of success lay in taking advantage of +one's occasional slices of luck, in seizing, as it were, the happy +moment. When Mike, who had had the passage to write out ten times at +Wrykyn on one occasion as an imposition, reminded him that Shakespeare +had once said something about there being a tide in the affairs of men, +which, taken at the flood, &c., Psmith had acknowledged with an easy +grace that possibly Shakespeare _had_ got on to it first, and that +it was but one more proof of how often great minds thought alike. + +Though waiving his claim to the copyright of the maxim, he nevertheless +had a high opinion of it, and frequently acted upon it in the conduct +of his own life. + +Thus, when approaching the Senior Conservative Club at five o'clock +with the idea of finding Mr Bickersdyke there, he observed his quarry +entering the Turkish Baths which stand some twenty yards from the +club's front door, he acted on his maxim, and decided, instead of +waiting for the manager to finish his bath before approaching him on +the subject of Mike, to corner him in the Baths themselves. + +He gave Mr Bickersdyke five minutes' start. Then, reckoning that by +that time he would probably have settled down, he pushed open the door +and went in himself. And, having paid his money, and left his boots +with the boy at the threshold, he was rewarded by the sight of the +manager emerging from a box at the far end of the room, clad in the +mottled towels which the bather, irrespective of his personal taste in +dress, is obliged to wear in a Turkish bath. + +Psmith made for the same box. Mr Bickersdyke's clothes lay at the head +of one of the sofas, but nobody else had staked out a claim. Psmith +took possession of the sofa next to the manager's. Then, humming +lightly, he undressed, and made his way downstairs to the Hot Rooms. He +rather fancied himself in towels. There was something about them which +seemed to suit his figure. They gave him, he though, rather a +_debonnaire_ look. He paused for a moment before the looking-glass +to examine himself, with approval, then pushed open the door of the Hot +Rooms and went in. + + + + +23. Mr Bickersdyke Makes a Concession + + +Mr Bickersdyke was reclining in an easy-chair in the first room, +staring before him in the boiled-fish manner customary in a Turkish +Bath. Psmith dropped into the next seat with a cheery 'Good evening.' +The manager started as if some firm hand had driven a bradawl into him. +He looked at Psmith with what was intended to be a dignified stare. But +dignity is hard to achieve in a couple of parti-coloured towels. The +stare did not differ to any great extent from the conventional +boiled-fish look, alluded to above. + +Psmith settled himself comfortably in his chair. 'Fancy finding you +here,' he said pleasantly. 'We seem always to be meeting. To me,' he +added, with a reassuring smile, 'it is a great pleasure. A very great +pleasure indeed. We see too little of each other during office hours. +Not that one must grumble at that. Work before everything. You have +your duties, I mine. It is merely unfortunate that those duties are not +such as to enable us to toil side by side, encouraging each other with +word and gesture. However, it is idle to repine. We must make the most +of these chance meetings when the work of the day is over.' + +Mr Bickersdyke heaved himself up from his chair and took another at the +opposite end of the room. Psmith joined him. + +'There's something pleasantly mysterious, to my mind,' said he +chattily, 'in a Turkish Bath. It seems to take one out of the hurry and +bustle of the everyday world. It is a quiet backwater in the rushing +river of Life. I like to sit and think in a Turkish Bath. Except, of +course, when I have a congenial companion to talk to. As now. To me--' + +Mr Bickersdyke rose, and went into the next room. + +'To me,' continued Psmith, again following, and seating himself beside +the manager, 'there is, too, something eerie in these places. There is +a certain sinister air about the attendants. They glide rather than +walk. They say little. Who knows what they may be planning and +plotting? That drip-drip again. It may be merely water, but how are we +to know that it is not blood? It would be so easy to do away with a man +in a Turkish Bath. Nobody has seen him come in. Nobody can trace him if +he disappears. These are uncomfortable thoughts, Mr Bickersdyke.' + +Mr Bickersdyke seemed to think them so. He rose again, and returned to +the first room. + +'I have made you restless,' said Psmith, in a voice of self-reproach, +when he had settled himself once more by the manager's side. 'I am +sorry. I will not pursue the subject. Indeed, I believe that my fears +are unnecessary. Statistics show, I understand, that large numbers of +men emerge in safety every year from Turkish Baths. There was another +matter of which I wished to speak to you. It is a somewhat delicate +matter, and I am only encouraged to mention it to you by the fact that +you are so close a friend of my father's.' + +Mr Bickersdyke had picked up an early edition of an evening paper, left +on the table at his side by a previous bather, and was to all +appearances engrossed in it. Psmith, however, not discouraged, +proceeded to touch upon the matter of Mike. + +'There was,' he said, 'some little friction, I hear, in the office +today in connection with a cheque.' The evening paper hid the manager's +expressive face, but from the fact that the hands holding it tightened +their grip Psmith deduced that Mr Bickersdyke's attention was not +wholly concentrated on the City news. Moreover, his toes wriggled. And +when a man's toes wriggle, he is interested in what you are saying. + +'All these petty breezes,' continued Psmith sympathetically, 'must be +very trying to a man in your position, a man who wishes to be left +alone in order to devote his entire thought to the niceties of the +higher Finance. It is as if Napoleon, while planning out some intricate +scheme of campaign, were to be called upon in the midst of his +meditations to bully a private for not cleaning his buttons. Naturally, +you were annoyed. Your giant brain, wrenched temporarily from its +proper groove, expended its force in one tremendous reprimand of +Comrade Jackson. It was as if one had diverted some terrific electric +current which should have been controlling a vast system of machinery, +and turned it on to annihilate a black-beetle. In the present case, of +course, the result is as might have been expected. Comrade Jackson, not +realizing the position of affairs, went away with the absurd idea that +all was over, that you meant all you said--briefly, that his number was +up. I assured him that he was mistaken, but no! He persisted in +declaring that all was over, that you had dismissed him from the bank.' + +Mr Bickersdyke lowered the paper and glared bulbously at the old +Etonian. + +'Mr Jackson is perfectly right,' he snapped. 'Of course I dismissed +him.' + +'Yes, yes,' said Psmith, 'I have no doubt that at the moment you did +work the rapid push. What I am endeavouring to point out is that +Comrade Jackson is under the impression that the edict is permanent, +that he can hope for no reprieve.' + +'Nor can he.' + +'You don't mean--' + +'I mean what I say.' + +'Ah, I quite understand,' said Psmith, as one who sees that he must +make allowances. 'The incident is too recent. The storm has not yet had +time to expend itself. You have not had leisure to think the matter +over coolly. It is hard, of course, to be cool in a Turkish Bath. Your +ganglions are still vibrating. Later, perhaps--' + +'Once and for all,' growled Mr Bickersdyke, 'the thing is ended. Mr +Jackson will leave the bank at the end of the month. We have no room +for fools in the office.' + +'You surprise me,' said Psmith. 'I should not have thought that the +standard of intelligence in the bank was extremely high. With the +exception of our two selves, I think that there are hardly any men of +real intelligence on the staff. And comrade Jackson is improving every +day. Being, as he is, under my constant supervision he is rapidly +developing a stranglehold on his duties, which--' + +'I have no wish to discuss the matter any further.' + +'No, no. Quite so, quite so. Not another word. I am dumb.' + +'There are limits you see, to the uses of impertinence, Mr Smith.' + +Psmith started. + +'You are not suggesting--! You do not mean that I--!' + +'I have no more to say. I shall be glad if you will allow me to read my +paper.' + +Psmith waved a damp hand. + +'I should be the last man,' he said stiffly, 'to force my conversation +on another. I was under the impression that you enjoyed these little +chats as keenly as I did. If I was wrong--' + +He relapsed into a wounded silence. Mr Bickersdyke resumed his perusal +of the evening paper, and presently, laying it down, rose and made his +way to the room where muscular attendants were in waiting to perform +that blend of Jiu-Jitsu and Catch-as-catch-can which is the most +valuable and at the same time most painful part of a Turkish Bath. + +It was not till he was resting on his sofa, swathed from head to foot +in a sheet and smoking a cigarette, that he realized that Psmith was +sharing his compartment. + +He made the unpleasant discovery just as he had finished his first +cigarette and lighted his second. He was blowing out the match when +Psmith, accompanied by an attendant, appeared in the doorway, and +proceeded to occupy the next sofa to himself. All that feeling of +dreamy peace, which is the reward one receives for allowing oneself to +be melted like wax and kneaded like bread, left him instantly. He felt +hot and annoyed. To escape was out of the question. Once one has been +scientifically wrapped up by the attendant and placed on one's sofa, +one is a fixture. He lay scowling at the ceiling, resolved to combat +all attempt at conversation with a stony silence. + +Psmith, however, did not seem to desire conversation. He lay on his +sofa motionless for a quarter of an hour, then reached out for a large +book which lay on the table, and began to read. + +When he did speak, he seemed to be speaking to himself. Every now and +then he would murmur a few words, sometimes a single name. In spite of +himself, Mr Bickersdyke found himself listening. + +At first the murmurs conveyed nothing to him. Then suddenly a name +caught his ear. Strowther was the name, and somehow it suggested +something to him. He could not say precisely what. It seemed to touch +some chord of memory. He knew no one of the name of Strowther. He was +sure of that. And yet it was curiously familiar. An unusual name, too. +He could not help feeling that at one time he must have known it quite +well. + +'Mr Strowther,' murmured Psmith, 'said that the hon. gentleman's +remarks would have been nothing short of treason, if they had not been +so obviously the mere babblings of an irresponsible lunatic. Cries of +"Order, order," and a voice, "Sit down, fat-head!"' + +For just one moment Mr Bickersdyke's memory poised motionless, like a +hawk about to swoop. Then it darted at the mark. Everything came to him +in a flash. The hands of the clock whizzed back. He was no longer Mr +John Bickersdyke, manager of the London branch of the New Asiatic Bank, +lying on a sofa in the Cumberland Street Turkish Baths. He was Jack +Bickersdyke, clerk in the employ of Messrs Norton and Biggleswade, +standing on a chair and shouting 'Order! order!' in the Masonic Room of +the 'Red Lion' at Tulse Hill, while the members of the Tulse Hill +Parliament, divided into two camps, yelled at one another, and young +Tom Barlow, in his official capacity as Mister Speaker, waved his arms +dumbly, and banged the table with his mallet in his efforts to restore +calm. + +He remembered the whole affair as if it had happened yesterday. It had +been a speech of his own which had called forth the above expression of +opinion from Strowther. He remembered Strowther now, a pale, spectacled +clerk in Baxter and Abrahams, an inveterate upholder of the throne, the +House of Lords and all constituted authority. Strowther had objected to +the socialistic sentiments of his speech in connection with the Budget, +and there had been a disturbance unparalleled even in the Tulse Hill +Parliament, where disturbances were frequent and loud.... + +Psmith looked across at him with a bright smile. 'They report you +verbatim,' he said. 'And rightly. A more able speech I have seldom +read. I like the bit where you call the Royal Family "blood-suckers". +Even then, it seems you knew how to express yourself fluently and +well.' + +Mr Bickersdyke sat up. The hands of the clock had moved again, and he +was back in what Psmith had called the live, vivid present. + +'What have you got there?' he demanded. + +'It is a record,' said Psmith, 'of the meeting of an institution called +the Tulse Hill Parliament. A bright, chatty little institution, too, if +one may judge by these reports. You in particular, if I may say so, +appear to have let yourself go with refreshing vim. Your political +views have changed a great deal since those days, have they not? It is +extremely interesting. A most fascinating study for political students. +When I send these speeches of yours to the _Clarion_--' + +Mr Bickersdyke bounded on his sofa. + +'What!' he cried. + +'I was saying,' said Psmith, 'that the _Clarion_ will probably +make a most interesting comparison between these speeches and those you +have been making at Kenningford.' + +'I--I--I forbid you to make any mention of these speeches.' + +Psmith hesitated. + +'It would be great fun seeing what the papers said,' he protested. + +'Great fun!' + +'It is true,' mused Psmith, 'that in a measure, it would dish you at +the election. From what I saw of those light-hearted lads at +Kenningford the other night, I should say they would be so amused that +they would only just have enough strength left to stagger to the poll +and vote for your opponent.' + +Mr Bickersdyke broke out into a cold perspiration. + +'I forbid you to send those speeches to the papers,' he cried. + +Psmith reflected. + +'You see,' he said at last, 'it is like this. The departure of Comrade +Jackson, my confidential secretary and adviser, is certain to plunge me +into a state of the deepest gloom. The only way I can see at present by +which I can ensure even a momentary lightening of the inky cloud is the +sending of these speeches to some bright paper like the _Clarion._ +I feel certain that their comments would wring, at any rate, a sad, +sweet smile from me. Possibly even a hearty laugh. I must, therefore, +look on these very able speeches of yours in something of the light of +an antidote. They will stand between me and black depression. Without +them I am in the cart. With them I may possibly buoy myself up.' + +Mr Bickersdyke shifted uneasily on his sofa. He glared at the floor. +Then he eyed the ceiling as if it were a personal enemy of his. Finally +he looked at Psmith. Psmith's eyes were closed in peaceful meditation. + +'Very well,' said he at last. 'Jackson shall stop.' + +Psmith came out of his thoughts with a start. 'You were observing--?' +he said. + +'I shall not dismiss Jackson,' said Mr Bickersdyke. + +Psmith smiled winningly. + +'Just as I had hoped,' he said. 'Your very justifiable anger melts +before reflection. The storm subsides, and you are at leisure to +examine the matter dispassionately. Doubts begin to creep in. Possibly, +you say to yourself, I have been too hasty, too harsh. Justice must be +tempered with mercy. I have caught Comrade Jackson bending, you add +(still to yourself), but shall I press home my advantage too +ruthlessly? No, you cry, I will abstain. And I applaud your action. I +like to see this spirit of gentle toleration. It is bracing and +comforting. As for these excellent speeches,' he added, 'I shall, of +course, no longer have any need of their consolation. I can lay them +aside. The sunlight can now enter and illumine my life through more +ordinary channels. The cry goes round, "Psmith is himself again."' + +Mr Bickersdyke said nothing. Unless a snort of fury may be counted as +anything. + + + + +24. The Spirit of Unrest + + +During the following fortnight, two things happened which materially +altered Mike's position in the bank. + +The first was that Mr Bickersdyke was elected a member of Parliament. +He got in by a small majority amidst scenes of disorder of a nature +unusual even in Kenningford. Psmith, who went down on the polling-day +to inspect the revels and came back with his hat smashed in, reported +that, as far as he could see, the electors of Kenningford seemed to be +in just that state of happy intoxication which might make them vote for +Mr Bickersdyke by mistake. Also it had been discovered, on the eve of +the poll, that the bank manager's opponent, in his youth, had been +educated at a school in Germany, and had subsequently spent two years +at Heidelberg University. These damaging revelations were having a +marked effect on the warm-hearted patriots of Kenningford, who were now +referring to the candidate in thick but earnest tones as 'the German +Spy'. + +'So that taking everything into consideration,' said Psmith, summing +up, 'I fancy that Comrade Bickersdyke is home.' + +And the papers next day proved that he was right. + +'A hundred and fifty-seven,' said Psmith, as he read his paper at +breakfast. 'Not what one would call a slashing victory. It is fortunate +for Comrade Bickersdyke, I think, that I did not send those very able +speeches of his to the _Clarion'_. + +Till now Mike had been completely at a loss to understand why the +manager had sent for him on the morning following the scene about the +cheque, and informed him that he had reconsidered his decision to +dismiss him. Mike could not help feeling that there was more in the +matter than met the eye. Mr Bickersdyke had not spoken as if it gave +him any pleasure to reprieve him. On the contrary, his manner was +distinctly brusque. Mike was thoroughly puzzled. To Psmith's statement, +that he had talked the matter over quietly with the manager and brought +things to a satisfactory conclusion, he had paid little attention. But +now he began to see light. + +'Great Scott, Smith,' he said, 'did you tell him you'd send those +speeches to the papers if he sacked me?' + +Psmith looked at him through his eye-glass, and helped himself to +another piece of toast. + +'I am unable,' he said, 'to recall at this moment the exact terms of +the very pleasant conversation I had with Comrade Bickersdyke on the +occasion of our chance meeting in the Turkish Bath that afternoon; but, +thinking things over quietly now that I have more leisure, I cannot +help feeling that he may possibly have read some such intention into my +words. You know how it is in these little chats, Comrade Jackson. One +leaps to conclusions. Some casual word I happened to drop may have +given him the idea you mention. At this distance of time it is +impossible to say with any certainty. Suffice it that all has ended +well. He _did_ reconsider his resolve. I shall be only too happy +if it turns out that the seed of the alteration in his views was sown +by some careless word of mine. Perhaps we shall never know.' + +Mike was beginning to mumble some awkward words of thanks, when Psmith +resumed his discourse. + +'Be that as it may, however,' he said, 'we cannot but perceive that +Comrade Bickersdyke's election has altered our position to some extent. +As you have pointed out, he may have been influenced in this recent +affair by some chance remark of mine about those speeches. Now, +however, they will cease to be of any value. Now that he is elected he +has nothing to lose by their publication. I mention this by way of +indicating that it is possible that, if another painful episode occurs, +he may be more ruthless.' + +'I see what you mean,' said Mike. 'If he catches me on the hop again, +he'll simply go ahead and sack me.' + +'That,' said Psmith, 'is more or less the position of affairs.' + +The other event which altered Mike's life in the bank was his removal +from Mr Waller's department to the Fixed Deposits. The work in the +Fixed Deposits was less pleasant, and Mr Gregory, the head of the +department was not of Mr Waller's type. Mr Gregory, before joining the +home-staff of the New Asiatic Bank, had spent a number of years with a +firm in the Far East, where he had acquired a liver and a habit of +addressing those under him in a way that suggested the mate of a tramp +steamer. Even on the days when his liver was not troubling him, he was +truculent. And when, as usually happened, it did trouble him, he was a +perfect fountain of abuse. Mike and he hated each other from the first. +The work in the Fixed Deposits was not really difficult, when you got +the hang of it, but there was a certain amount of confusion in it to a +beginner; and Mike, in commercial matters, was as raw a beginner as +ever began. In the two other departments through which he had passed, +he had done tolerably well. As regarded his work in the Postage +Department, stamping letters and taking them down to the post office +was just about his form. It was the sort of work on which he could +really get a grip. And in the Cash Department, Mr Waller's mild +patience had helped him through. But with Mr Gregory it was different. +Mike hated being shouted at. It confused him. And Mr Gregory invariably +shouted. He always spoke as if he were competing against a high wind. +With Mike he shouted more than usual. On his side, it must be admitted +that Mike was something out of the common run of bank clerks. The whole +system of banking was a horrid mystery to him. He did not understand +why things were done, or how the various departments depended on and +dove-tailed into one another. Each department seemed to him something +separate and distinct. Why they were all in the same building at all he +never really gathered. He knew that it could not be purely from motives +of sociability, in order that the clerks might have each other's +company during slack spells. That much he suspected, but beyond that he +was vague. + +It naturally followed that, after having grown, little by little, under +Mr Waller's easy-going rule, to enjoy life in the bank, he now suffered +a reaction. Within a day of his arrival in the Fixed Deposits he was +loathing the place as earnestly as he had loathed it on the first +morning. + +Psmith, who had taken his place in the Cash Department, reported that +Mr Waller was inconsolable at his loss. + +'I do my best to cheer him up,' he said, 'and he smiles bravely every +now and then. But when he thinks I am not looking, his head droops and +that wistful expression comes into his face. The sunshine has gone out +of his life.' + +It had just come into Mike's, and, more than anything else, was making +him restless and discontented. That is to say, it was now late spring: +the sun shone cheerfully on the City; and cricket was in the air. And +that was the trouble. + +In the dark days, when everything was fog and slush, Mike had been +contented enough to spend his mornings and afternoons in the bank, and +go about with Psmith at night. Under such conditions, London is the +best place in which to be, and the warmth and light of the bank were +pleasant. + +But now things had changed. The place had become a prison. With all the +energy of one who had been born and bred in the country, Mike hated +having to stay indoors on days when all the air was full of approaching +summer. There were mornings when it was almost more than he could do to +push open the swing doors, and go out of the fresh air into the stuffy +atmosphere of the bank. + +The days passed slowly, and the cricket season began. Instead of being +a relief, this made matters worse. The little cricket he could get only +made him want more. It was as if a starving man had been given a +handful of wafer biscuits. + +If the summer had been wet, he might have been less restless. But, as +it happened, it was unusually fine. After a week of cold weather at the +beginning of May, a hot spell set in. May passed in a blaze of +sunshine. Large scores were made all over the country. + +Mike's name had been down for the M.C.C. for some years, and he had +become a member during his last season at Wrykyn. Once or twice a week +he managed to get up to Lord's for half an hour's practice at the nets; +and on Saturdays the bank had matches, in which he generally managed to +knock the cover off rather ordinary club bowling. But it was not enough +for him. + +June came, and with it more sunshine. The atmosphere of the bank seemed +more oppressive than ever. + + + + +25. At the Telephone + + +If one looks closely into those actions which are apparently due to +sudden impulse, one generally finds that the sudden impulse was merely +the last of a long series of events which led up to the action. Alone, +it would not have been powerful enough to effect anything. But, coming +after the way has been paved for it, it is irresistible. The hooligan +who bonnets a policeman is apparently the victim of a sudden impulse. +In reality, however, the bonneting is due to weeks of daily encounters +with the constable, at each of which meetings the dislike for his +helmet and the idea of smashing it in grow a little larger, till +finally they blossom into the deed itself. + +This was what happened in Mike's case. Day by day, through the summer, +as the City grew hotter and stuffier, his hatred of the bank became +more and more the thought that occupied his mind. It only needed a +moderately strong temptation to make him break out and take the +consequences. + +Psmith noticed his restlessness and endeavoured to soothe it. + +'All is not well,' he said, 'with Comrade Jackson, the Sunshine of the +Home. I note a certain wanness of the cheek. The peach-bloom of your +complexion is no longer up to sample. Your eye is wild; your merry +laugh no longer rings through the bank, causing nervous customers to +leap into the air with startled exclamations. You have the manner of +one whose only friend on earth is a yellow dog, and who has lost the +dog. Why is this, Comrade Jackson?' + +They were talking in the flat at Clement's Inn. The night was hot. +Through the open windows the roar of the Strand sounded faintly. Mike +walked to the window and looked out. + +'I'm sick of all this rot,' he said shortly. + +Psmith shot an inquiring glance at him, but said nothing. This +restlessness of Mike's was causing him a good deal of inconvenience, +which he bore in patient silence, hoping for better times. With Mike +obviously discontented and out of tune with all the world, there was +but little amusement to be extracted from the evenings now. Mike did +his best to be cheerful, but he could not shake off the caged feeling +which made him restless. + +'What rot it all is!' went on Mike, sitting down again. 'What's the +good of it all? You go and sweat all day at a desk, day after day, for +about twopence a year. And when you're about eighty-five, you retire. +It isn't living at all. It's simply being a bally vegetable.' + +'You aren't hankering, by any chance, to be a pirate of the Spanish +main, or anything like that, are you?' inquired Psmith. + +'And all this rot about going out East,' continued Mike. 'What's the +good of going out East?' + +'I gather from casual chit-chat in the office that one becomes +something of a blood when one goes out East,' said Psmith. 'Have +a dozen native clerks under you, all looking up to you as the Last +Word in magnificence, and end by marrying the Governor's daughter.' + +'End by getting some foul sort of fever, more likely, and being booted +out as no further use to the bank.' + +'You look on the gloomy side, Comrade Jackson. I seem to see you +sitting in an armchair, fanned by devoted coolies, telling some Eastern +potentate that you can give him five minutes. I understand that being +in a bank in the Far East is one of the world's softest jobs. Millions +of natives hang on your lightest word. Enthusiastic rajahs draw you +aside and press jewels into your hand as a token of respect and esteem. +When on an elephant's back you pass, somebody beats on a booming brass +gong! The Banker of Bhong! Isn't your generous young heart stirred to +any extent by the prospect? I am given to understand--' + +'I've a jolly good mind to chuck up the whole thing and become a pro. +I've got a birth qualification for Surrey. It's about the only thing I +could do any good at.' + +Psmith's manner became fatherly. + +'_You're_ all right,' he said. 'The hot weather has given you that +tired feeling. What you want is a change of air. We will pop down +together hand in hand this week-end to some seaside resort. You shall +build sand castles, while I lie on the beach and read the paper. In the +evening we will listen to the band, or stroll on the esplanade, not so +much because we want to, as to give the natives a treat. Possibly, if +the weather continues warm, we may even paddle. A vastly exhilarating +pastime, I am led to believe, and so strengthening for the ankles. And +on Monday morning we will return, bronzed and bursting with health, to +our toil once more.' + +'I'm going to bed,' said Mike, rising. + +Psmith watched him lounge from the room, and shook his head sadly. All +was not well with his confidential secretary and adviser. + +The next day, which was a Thursday, found Mike no more reconciled to +the prospect of spending from ten till five in the company of Mr +Gregory and the ledgers. He was silent at breakfast, and Psmith, seeing +that things were still wrong, abstained from conversation. Mike propped +the _Sportsman_ up against the hot-water jug, and read the cricket +news. His county, captained by brother Joe, had, as he had learned +already from yesterday's evening paper, beaten Sussex by five wickets +at Brighton. Today they were due to play Middlesex at Lord's. Mike +thought that he would try to get off early, and go and see some of the +first day's play. + +As events turned out, he got off a good deal earlier, and saw a good +deal more of the first day's play than he had anticipated. + +He had just finished the preliminary stages of the morning's work, +which consisted mostly of washing his hands, changing his coat, and +eating a section of a pen-holder, when William, the messenger, +approached. + +'You're wanted on the 'phone, Mr Jackson.' + +The New Asiatic Bank, unlike the majority of London banks, was on the +telephone, a fact which Psmith found a great convenience when securing +seats at the theatre. Mike went to the box and took up the receiver. + +'Hullo!' he said. + +'Who's that?' said an agitated voice. 'Is that you, Mike? I'm Joe.' + +'Hullo, Joe,' said Mike. 'What's up? I'm coming to see you this +evening. I'm going to try and get off early.' + +'Look here, Mike, are you busy at the bank just now?' + +'Not at the moment. There's never anything much going on before +eleven.' + +'I mean, are you busy today? Could you possibly manage to get off and +play for us against Middlesex?' + +Mike nearly dropped the receiver. + +'What?' he cried. + +'There's been the dickens of a mix-up. We're one short, and you're our +only hope. We can't possibly get another man in the time. We start in +half an hour. Can you play?' + +For the space of, perhaps, one minute, Mike thought. + +'Well?' said Joe's voice. + +The sudden vision of Lord's ground, all green and cool in the morning +sunlight, was too much for Mike's resolution, sapped as it was by days +of restlessness. The feeling surged over him that whatever happened +afterwards, the joy of the match in perfect weather on a perfect wicket +would make it worth while. What did it matter what happened afterwards? + +'All right, Joe,' he said. 'I'll hop into a cab now, and go and get my +things.' + +'Good man,' said Joe, hugely relieved. + + + + +26. Breaking The News + + +Dashing away from the call-box, Mike nearly cannoned into Psmith, who +was making his way pensively to the telephone with the object of +ringing up the box office of the Haymarket Theatre. + +'Sorry,' said Mike. 'Hullo, Smith.' + +'Hullo indeed,' said Psmith, courteously. 'I rejoice, Comrade Jackson, +to find you going about your commercial duties like a young bomb. How +is it, people repeatedly ask me, that Comrade Jackson contrives to +catch his employer's eye and win the friendly smile from the head of +his department? My reply is that where others walk, Comrade Jackson +runs. Where others stroll, Comrade Jackson legs it like a highly-trained +mustang of the prairie. He does not loiter. He gets back to his department +bathed in perspiration, in level time. He--' + +'I say, Smith,' said Mike, 'you might do me a favour.' + +'A thousand. Say on.' + +'Just look in at the Fixed Deposits and tell old Gregory that I shan't +be with him today, will you? I haven't time myself. I must rush!' + +Psmith screwed his eyeglass into his eye, and examined Mike carefully. + +'What exactly--?' be began. + +'Tell the old ass I've popped off.' + +'Just so, just so,' murmured Psmith, as one who assents to a thoroughly +reasonable proposition. 'Tell him you have popped off. It shall be +done. But it is within the bounds of possibility that Comrade Gregory +may inquire further. Could you give me some inkling as to why you are +popping?' + +'My brother Joe has just rung me up from Lords. The county are playing +Middlesex and they're one short. He wants me to roll up.' + +Psmith shook his head sadly. + +'I don't wish to interfere in any way,' he said, 'but I suppose you +realize that, by acting thus, you are to some extent knocking the +stuffing out of your chances of becoming manager of this bank? If you +dash off now, I shouldn't count too much on that marrying the +Governor's daughter scheme I sketched out for you last night. I doubt +whether this is going to help you to hold the gorgeous East in fee, and +all that sort of thing.' + +'Oh, dash the gorgeous East.' + +'By all means,' said Psmith obligingly. 'I just thought I'd mention it. +I'll look in at Lord's this afternoon. I shall send my card up to you, +and trust to your sympathetic cooperation to enable me to effect an +entry into the pavilion on my face. My father is coming up to London +today. I'll bring him along, too.' + +'Right ho. Dash it, it's twenty to. So long. See you at Lord's.' + +Psmith looked after his retreating form till it had vanished through +the swing-door, and shrugged his shoulders resignedly, as if +disclaiming all responsibility. + +'He has gone without his hat,' he murmured. 'It seems to me that this +is practically a case of running amok. And now to break the news to +bereaved Comrade Gregory.' + +He abandoned his intention of ringing up the Haymarket Theatre, and +turning away from the call-box, walked meditatively down the aisle till +he came to the Fixed Deposits Department, where the top of Mr Gregory's +head was to be seen over the glass barrier, as he applied himself to +his work. + +Psmith, resting his elbows on the top of the barrier and holding his +head between his hands, eyed the absorbed toiler for a moment in +silence, then emitted a hollow groan. + +Mr Gregory, who was ruling a line in a ledger--most of the work in the +Fixed Deposits Department consisted of ruling lines in ledgers, +sometimes in black ink, sometimes in red--started as if he had been +stung, and made a complete mess of the ruled line. He lifted a fiery, +bearded face, and met Psmith's eye, which shone with kindly sympathy. + +He found words. + +'What the dickens are you standing there for, mooing like a blanked +cow?' he inquired. + +'I was groaning,' explained Psmith with quiet dignity. 'And why was I +groaning?' he continued. 'Because a shadow has fallen on the Fixed +Deposits Department. Comrade Jackson, the Pride of the Office, has +gone.' + +Mr Gregory rose from his seat. + +'I don't know who the dickens you are--' he began. + +'I am Psmith,' said the old Etonian, + +'Oh, you're Smith, are you?' + +'With a preliminary P. Which, however, is not sounded.' + +'And what's all this dashed nonsense about Jackson?' + +'He is gone. Gone like the dew from the petal of a rose.' + +'Gone! Where's he gone to?' + +'Lord's.' + +'What lord's?' + +Psmith waved his hand gently. + +'You misunderstand me. Comrade Jackson has not gone to mix with any +member of our gay and thoughtless aristocracy. He has gone to Lord's +cricket ground.' + +Mr Gregory's beard bristled even more than was its wont. + +'What!' he roared. 'Gone to watch a cricket match! Gone--!' + +'Not to watch. To play. An urgent summons I need not say. Nothing but +an urgent summons could have wrenched him from your very delightful +society, I am sure.' + +Mr Gregory glared. + +'I don't want any of your impudence,' he said. + +Psmith nodded gravely. + +'We all have these curious likes and dislikes,' he said tolerantly. +'You do not like my impudence. Well, well, some people don't. And now, +having broken the sad news, I will return to my own department.' + +'Half a minute. You come with me and tell this yarn of yours to Mr +Bickersdyke.' + +'You think it would interest, amuse him? Perhaps you are right. Let us +buttonhole Comrade Bickersdyke.' + +Mr Bickersdyke was disengaged. The head of the Fixed Deposits +Department stumped into the room. Psmith followed at a more leisurely +pace. + +'Allow me,' he said with a winning smile, as Mr Gregory opened his +mouth to speak, 'to take this opportunity of congratulating you on your +success at the election. A narrow but well-deserved victory.' + +There was nothing cordial in the manager's manner. + +'What do you want?' he said. + +'Myself, nothing,' said Psmith. 'But I understand that Mr Gregory has +some communication to make.' + +'Tell Mr Bickersdyke that story of yours,' said Mr Gregory. + +'Surely,' said Psmith reprovingly, 'this is no time for anecdotes. Mr +Bickersdyke is busy. He--' + +'Tell him what you told me about Jackson.' + +Mr Bickersdyke looked up inquiringly. + +'Jackson,' said Psmith, 'has been obliged to absent himself from work +today owing to an urgent summons from his brother, who, I understand, +has suffered a bereavement.' + +'It's a lie,' roared Mr Gregory. 'You told me yourself he'd gone to +play in a cricket match.' + +'True. As I said, he received an urgent summons from his brother.' + +'What about the bereavement, then?' + +'The team was one short. His brother was very distressed about it. What +could Comrade Jackson do? Could he refuse to help his brother when it +was in his power? His generous nature is a byword. He did the only +possible thing. He consented to play.' + +Mr Bickersdyke spoke. + +'Am I to understand,' he asked, with sinister calm, 'that Mr Jackson +has left his work and gone off to play in a cricket match?' + +'Something of that sort has, I believe, happened,' said Psmith. 'He +knew, of course,' he added, bowing gracefully in Mr Gregory's +direction, 'that he was leaving his work in thoroughly competent +hands.' + +'Thank you,' said Mr Bickersdyke. 'That will do. You will help Mr +Gregory in his department for the time being, Mr Smith. I will arrange +for somebody to take your place in your own department.' + +'It will be a pleasure,' murmured Psmith. + +'Show Mr Smith what he has to do, Mr Gregory,' said the manager. + +They left the room. + +'How curious, Comrade Gregory,' mused Psmith, as they went, 'are the +workings of Fate! A moment back, and your life was a blank. Comrade +Jackson, that prince of Fixed Depositors, had gone. How, you said to +yourself despairingly, can his place be filled? Then the cloud broke, +and the sun shone out again. _I_ came to help you. What you lose +on the swings, you make up on the roundabouts. Now show me what I have +to do, and then let us make this department sizzle. You have drawn a +good ticket, Comrade Gregory.' + + + + +27. At Lord's + + +Mike got to Lord's just as the umpires moved out into the field. He +raced round to the pavilion. Joe met him on the stairs. + +'It's all right,' he said. 'No hurry. We've won the toss. I've put you +in fourth wicket.' + +'Right ho,' said Mike. 'Glad we haven't to field just yet.' + +'We oughtn't to have to field today if we don't chuck our wickets +away.' + +'Good wicket?' + +'Like a billiard-table. I'm glad you were able to come. Have any +difficulty in getting away?' + +Joe Jackson's knowledge of the workings of a bank was of the slightest. +He himself had never, since he left Oxford, been in a position where +there were obstacles to getting off to play in first-class cricket. By +profession he was agent to a sporting baronet whose hobby was the +cricket of the county, and so, far from finding any difficulty in +playing for the county, he was given to understand by his employer that +that was his chief duty. It never occurred to him that Mike might find +his bank less amenable in the matter of giving leave. His only fear, +when he rang Mike up that morning, had been that this might be a +particularly busy day at the New Asiatic Bank. If there was no special +rush of work, he took it for granted that Mike would simply go to the +manager, ask for leave to play in the match, and be given it with a +beaming smile. + +Mike did not answer the question, but asked one on his own account. + +'How did you happen to be short?' he said. + +'It was rotten luck. It was like this. We were altering our team after +the Sussex match, to bring in Ballard, Keene, and Willis. They couldn't +get down to Brighton, as the 'Varsity had a match, but there was +nothing on for them in the last half of the week, so they'd promised to +roll up.' + +Ballard, Keene, and Willis were members of the Cambridge team, all very +capable performers and much in demand by the county, when they could +get away to play for it. + +'Well?' said Mike. + +'Well, we all came up by train from Brighton last night. But these +three asses had arranged to motor down from Cambridge early today, and +get here in time for the start. What happens? Why, Willis, who fancies +himself as a chauffeur, undertakes to do the driving; and naturally, +being an absolute rotter, goes and smashes up the whole concern just +outside St Albans. The first thing I knew of it was when I got to +Lord's at half past ten, and found a wire waiting for me to say that +they were all three of them crocked, and couldn't possibly play. I tell +you, it was a bit of a jar to get half an hour before the match +started. Willis has sprained his ankle, apparently; Keene's damaged his +wrist; and Ballard has smashed his collar-bone. I don't suppose they'll +be able to play in the 'Varsity match. Rotten luck for Cambridge. Well, +fortunately we'd had two reserve pros, with us at Brighton, who had +come up to London with the team in case they might be wanted, so, with +them, we were only one short. Then I thought of you. That's how it +was.' + +'I see,' said Mike. 'Who are the pros?' + +'Davis and Brockley. Both bowlers. It weakens our batting a lot. +Ballard or Willis might have got a stack of runs on this wicket. Still, +we've got a certain amount of batting as it is. We oughtn't to do +badly, if we're careful. You've been getting some practice, I suppose, +this season?' + +'In a sort of a way. Nets and so on. No matches of any importance.' + +'Dash it, I wish you'd had a game or two in decent class cricket. +Still, nets are better than nothing, I hope you'll be in form. We may +want a pretty long knock from you, if things go wrong. These men seem +to be settling down all right, thank goodness,' he added, looking out +of the window at the county's first pair, Warrington and Mills, two +professionals, who, as the result of ten minutes' play, had put up +twenty. + +'I'd better go and change,' said Mike, picking up his bag. 'You're in +first wicket, I suppose?' + +'Yes. And Reggie, second wicket.' + +Reggie was another of Mike's brothers, not nearly so fine a player as +Joe, but a sound bat, who generally made runs if allowed to stay in. + +Mike changed, and went out into the little balcony at the top of the +pavilion. He had it to himself. There were not many spectators in the +pavilion at this early stage of the game. + +There are few more restful places, if one wishes to think, than the +upper balconies of Lord's pavilion. Mike, watching the game making its +leisurely progress on the turf below, set himself seriously to review +the situation in all its aspects. The exhilaration of bursting the +bonds had begun to fade, and he found himself able to look into the +matter of his desertion and weigh up the consequences. There was no +doubt that he had cut the painter once and for all. Even a +friendly-disposed management could hardly overlook what he had done. +And the management of the New Asiatic Bank was the very reverse of +friendly. Mr Bickersdyke, he knew, would jump at this chance of getting +rid of him. He realized that he must look on his career in the bank as +a closed book. It was definitely over, and he must now think about the +future. + +It was not a time for half-measures. He could not go home. He must +carry the thing through, now that he had begun, and find something +definite to do, to support himself. + +There seemed only one opening for him. What could he do, he asked +himself. Just one thing. He could play cricket. It was by his cricket +that he must live. He would have to become a professional. Could he get +taken on? That was the question. It was impossible that he should play +for his own county on his residential qualification. He could not +appear as a professional in the same team in which his brothers were +playing as amateurs. He must stake all on his birth qualification for +Surrey. + +On the other hand, had he the credentials which Surrey would want? He +had a school reputation. But was that enough? He could not help feeling +that it might not be. + +Thinking it over more tensely than he had ever thought over anything in +his whole life, he saw clearly that everything depended on what sort of +show he made in this match which was now in progress. It was his big +chance. If he succeeded, all would be well. He did not care to think +what his position would be if he did not succeed. + +A distant appeal and a sound of clapping from the crowd broke in on his +thoughts. Mills was out, caught at the wicket. The telegraph-board gave +the total as forty-eight. Not sensational. The success of the team +depended largely on what sort of a start the two professionals made. + +The clapping broke out again as Joe made his way down the steps. Joe, +as an All England player, was a favourite with the crowd. + +Mike watched him play an over in his strong, graceful style: then it +suddenly occurred to him that he would like to know how matters had +gone at the bank in his absence. + +He went down to the telephone, rang up the bank, and asked for Psmith. + +Presently the familiar voice made itself heard. + +'Hullo, Smith.' + +'Hullo. Is that Comrade Jackson? How are things progressing?' + +'Fairly well. We're in first. We've lost one wicket, and the fifty's +just up. I say, what's happened at the bank?' + +'I broke the news to Comrade Gregory. A charming personality. I feel +that we shall be friends.' + +'Was he sick?' + +'In a measure, yes. Indeed, I may say he practically foamed at the +mouth. I explained the situation, but he was not to be appeased. He +jerked me into the presence of Comrade Bickersdyke, with whom I had a +brief but entertaining chat. He had not a great deal to say, but he +listened attentively to my narrative, and eventually told me off to +take your place in the Fixed Deposits. That melancholy task I am now +performing to the best of my ability. I find the work a little trying. +There is too much ledger-lugging to be done for my simple tastes. I +have been hauling ledgers from the safe all the morning. The cry is +beginning to go round, "Psmith is willing, but can his physique stand +the strain?" In the excitement of the moment just now I dropped a +somewhat massive tome on to Comrade Gregory's foot, unfortunately, I +understand, the foot in which he has of late been suffering twinges of +gout. I passed the thing off with ready tact, but I cannot deny that +there was a certain temporary coolness, which, indeed, is not yet past. +These things, Comrade Jackson, are the whirlpools in the quiet stream +of commercial life.' + +'Have I got the sack?' + +'No official pronouncement has been made to me as yet on the subject, +but I think I should advise you, if you are offered another job in the +course of the day, to accept it. I cannot say that you are precisely +the pet of the management just at present. However, I have ideas for +your future, which I will divulge when we meet. I propose to slide +coyly from the office at about four o'clock. I am meeting my father at +that hour. We shall come straight on to Lord's.' + +'Right ho,' said Mike. 'I'll be looking out for you.' + +'Is there any little message I can give Comrade Gregory from you?' + +'You can give him my love, if you like.' + +'It shall be done. Good-bye.' + +'Good-bye.' + +Mike replaced the receiver, and went up to his balcony again. + +As soon as his eye fell on the telegraph-board he saw with a start that +things had been moving rapidly in his brief absence. The numbers of the +batsmen on the board were three and five. + +'Great Scott!' he cried. 'Why, I'm in next. What on earth's been +happening?' + +He put on his pads hurriedly, expecting every moment that a wicket +would fall and find him unprepared. But the batsmen were still together +when he rose, ready for the fray, and went downstairs to get news. + +He found his brother Reggie in the dressing-room. + +'What's happened?' he said. 'How were you out?' + +'L.b.w.,' said Reggie. 'Goodness knows how it happened. My eyesight +must be going. I mistimed the thing altogether.' + +'How was Warrington out?' + +'Caught in the slips.' + +'By Jove!' said Mike. 'This is pretty rocky. Three for sixty-one. We +shall get mopped.' + +'Unless you and Joe do something. There's no earthly need to get out. +The wicket's as good as you want, and the bowling's nothing special. +Well played, Joe!' + +A beautiful glide to leg by the greatest of the Jacksons had rolled up +against the pavilion rails. The fieldsmen changed across for the next +over. + +'If only Peters stops a bit--' began Mike, and broke off. Peters' off +stump was lying at an angle of forty-five degrees. + +'Well, he hasn't,' said Reggie grimly. 'Silly ass, why did he hit at +that one? All he'd got to do was to stay in with Joe. Now it's up to +you. Do try and do something, or we'll be out under the hundred.' + +Mike waited till the outcoming batsman had turned in at the +professionals' gate. Then he walked down the steps and out into the +open, feeling more nervous than he had felt since that far-off day when +he had first gone in to bat for Wrykyn against the M.C.C. He found his +thoughts flying back to that occasion. Today, as then, everything +seemed very distant and unreal. The spectators were miles away. He had +often been to Lord's as a spectator, but the place seemed entirely +unfamiliar now. He felt as if he were in a strange land. + +He was conscious of Joe leaving the crease to meet him on his way. He +smiled feebly. 'Buck up,' said Joe in that robust way of his which was +so heartening. 'Nothing in the bowling, and the wicket like a shirt-front. +Play just as if you were at the nets. And for goodness' sake don't try to +score all your runs in the first over. Stick in, and we've got them.' + +Mike smiled again more feebly than before, and made a weird gurgling +noise in his throat. + +It had been the Middlesex fast bowler who had destroyed Peters. Mike +was not sorry. He did not object to fast bowling. He took guard, and +looked round him, taking careful note of the positions of the slips. + +As usual, once he was at the wicket the paralysed feeling left him. He +became conscious again of his power. Dash it all, what was there to be +afraid of? He was a jolly good bat, and he would jolly well show them +that he was, too. + +The fast bowler, with a preliminary bound, began his run. Mike settled +himself into position, his whole soul concentrated on the ball. +Everything else was wiped from his mind. + + + + +28. Psmith Arranges his Future + + +It was exactly four o'clock when Psmith, sliding unostentatiously from +his stool, flicked divers pieces of dust from the leg of his trousers, +and sidled towards the basement, where he was wont to keep his hat +during business hours. He was aware that it would be a matter of some +delicacy to leave the bank at that hour. There was a certain quantity +of work still to be done in the Fixed Deposits Department--work in +which, by rights, as Mike's understudy, he should have lent a +sympathetic and helping hand. 'But what of that?' he mused, +thoughtfully smoothing his hat with his knuckles. 'Comrade Gregory is a +man who takes such an enthusiastic pleasure in his duties that he will +go singing about the office when he discovers that he has got a double +lot of work to do.' + +With this comforting thought, he started on his perilous journey to the +open air. As he walked delicately, not courting observation, he +reminded himself of the hero of 'Pilgrim's Progress'. On all sides of +him lay fearsome beasts, lying in wait to pounce upon him. At any +moment Mr Gregory's hoarse roar might shatter the comparative +stillness, or the sinister note of Mr Bickersdyke make itself heard. + +'However,' said Psmith philosophically, 'these are Life's Trials, and +must be borne patiently.' + +A roundabout route, via the Postage and Inwards Bills Departments, took +him to the swing-doors. It was here that the danger became acute. The +doors were well within view of the Fixed Deposits Department, and Mr +Gregory had an eye compared with which that of an eagle was more or +less bleared. + +Psmith sauntered to the door and pushed it open in a gingerly manner. + +As he did so a bellow rang through the office, causing a timid customer, +who had come in to arrange about an overdraft, to lose his nerve +completely and postpone his business till the following afternoon. + +Psmith looked up. Mr Gregory was leaning over the barrier which divided +his lair from the outer world, and gesticulating violently. + +'Where are you going,' roared the head of the Fixed Deposits. + +Psmith did not reply. With a benevolent smile and a gesture intended to +signify all would come right in the future, he slid through the +swing-doors, and began to move down the street at a somewhat swifter +pace than was his habit. + +Once round the corner he slackened his speed. + +'This can't go on,' he said to himself. 'This life of commerce is too +great a strain. One is practically a hunted hare. Either the heads of +my department must refrain from View Halloos when they observe me going +for a stroll, or I abandon Commerce for some less exacting walk in +life.' + +He removed his hat, and allowed the cool breeze to play upon his +forehead. The episode had been disturbing. + +He was to meet his father at the Mansion House. As he reached that +land-mark he saw with approval that punctuality was a virtue of which +he had not the sole monopoly in the Smith family. His father was +waiting for him at the tryst. + +'Certainly, my boy,' said Mr Smith senior, all activity in a moment, +when Psmith had suggested going to Lord's. 'Excellent. We must be +getting on. We must not miss a moment of the match. Bless my soul: I +haven't seen a first-class match this season. Where's a cab? Hi, cabby! +No, that one's got some one in it. There's another. Hi! Here, lunatic! +Are you blind? Good, he's seen us. That's right. Here he comes. Lord's +Cricket Ground, cabby, as quick as you can. Jump in, Rupert, my boy, +jump in.' + +Psmith rarely jumped. He entered the cab with something of the +stateliness of an old Roman Emperor boarding his chariot, and settled +himself comfortably in his seat. Mr Smith dived in like a rabbit. + +A vendor of newspapers came to the cab thrusting an evening paper into +the interior. Psmith bought it. + +'Let's see how they're getting on,' he said, opening the paper. 'Where +are we? Lunch scores. Lord's. Aha! Comrade Jackson is in form.' + +'Jackson?' said Mr Smith, 'is that the same youngster you brought home +last summer? The batsman? Is he playing today?' + +'He was not out thirty at lunch-time. He would appear to be making +something of a stand with his brother Joe, who has made sixty-one up to +the moment of going to press. It's possible he may still be in when we +get there. In which case we shall not be able to slide into the +pavilion.' + +'A grand bat, that boy. I said so last summer. Better than any of his +brothers. He's in the bank with you, isn't he?' + +'He was this morning. I doubt, however, whether he can be said to be +still in that position.' + +'Eh? what? How's that?' + +'There was some slight friction between him and the management. They +wished him to be glued to his stool; he preferred to play for the +county. I think we may say that Comrade Jackson has secured the Order +of the Boot.' + +'What? Do you mean to say--?' + +Psmith related briefly the history of Mike's departure. + +Mr Smith listened with interest. + +'Well,' he said at last, 'hang me if I blame the boy. It's a sin +cooping up a fellow who can bat like that in a bank. I should have done +the same myself in his place.' + +Psmith smoothed his waistcoat. + +'Do you know, father,' he said, 'this bank business is far from being +much of a catch. Indeed, I should describe it definitely as a bit off. +I have given it a fair trial, and I now denounce it unhesitatingly as a +shade too thick.' + +'What? Are you getting tired of it?' + +'Not precisely tired. But, after considerable reflection, I have come +to the conclusion that my talents lie elsewhere. At lugging ledgers I +am among the also-rans--a mere cipher. I have been wanting to speak to +you about this for some time. If you have no objection, I should like +to go to the Bar.' + +'The Bar? Well--' + +'I fancy I should make a pretty considerable hit as a barrister.' + +Mr Smith reflected. The idea had not occurred to him before. Now that +it was suggested, his always easily-fired imagination took hold of it +readily. There was a good deal to be said for the Bar as a career. +Psmith knew his father, and he knew that the thing was practically as +good as settled. It was a new idea, and as such was bound to be +favourably received. + +'What I should do, if I were you,' he went on, as if he were advising a +friend on some course of action certain to bring him profit and +pleasure, 'is to take me away from the bank at once. Don't wait. There +is no time like the present. Let me hand in my resignation tomorrow. +The blow to the management, especially to Comrade Bickersdyke, will be +a painful one, but it is the truest kindness to administer it swiftly. +Let me resign tomorrow, and devote my time to quiet study. Then I can +pop up to Cambridge next term, and all will be well.' + +'I'll think it over--' began Mr Smith. + +'Let us hustle,' urged Psmith. 'Let us Do It Now. It is the only way. +Have I your leave to shoot in my resignation to Comrade Bickersdyke +tomorrow morning?' + +Mr Smith hesitated for a moment, then made up his mind. + +'Very well,' he said. 'I really think it is a good idea. There are +great opportunities open to a barrister. I wish we had thought of it +before.' + +'I am not altogether sorry that we did not,' said Psmith. 'I have +enjoyed the chances my commercial life has given me of associating with +such a man as Comrade Bickersdyke. In many ways a master-mind. But +perhaps it is as well to close the chapter. How it happened it is hard +to say, but somehow I fancy I did not precisely hit it off with Comrade +Bickersdyke. With Psmith, the worker, he had no fault to find; but it +seemed to me sometimes, during our festive evenings together at the +club, that all was not well. From little, almost imperceptible signs I +have suspected now and then that he would just as soon have been +without my company. One cannot explain these things. It must have been +some incompatibility of temperament. Perhaps he will manage to bear up +at my departure. But here we are,' he added, as the cab drew up. 'I +wonder if Comrade Jackson is still going strong.' + +They passed through the turnstile, and caught sight of the +telegraph-board. + +'By Jove!' said Psmith, 'he is. I don't know if he's number three or +number six. I expect he's number six. In which case he has got +ninety-eight. We're just in time to see his century.' + + + + +29. And Mike's + + +For nearly two hours Mike had been experiencing the keenest pleasure +that it had ever fallen to his lot to feel. From the moment he took his +first ball till the luncheon interval he had suffered the acutest +discomfort. His nervousness had left him to a great extent, but he had +never really settled down. Sometimes by luck, and sometimes by skill, +he had kept the ball out of his wicket; but he was scratching, and he +knew it. Not for a single over had he been comfortable. On several +occasions he had edged balls to leg and through the slips in quite an +inferior manner, and it was seldom that he managed to hit with the +centre of the bat. + +Nobody is more alive to the fact that he is not playing up to his true +form than the batsman. Even though his score mounted little by little +into the twenties, Mike was miserable. If this was the best he could do +on a perfect wicket, he felt there was not much hope for him as a +professional. + +The poorness of his play was accentuated by the brilliance of Joe's. +Joe combined science and vigour to a remarkable degree. He laid on the +wood with a graceful robustness which drew much cheering from the +crowd. Beside him Mike was oppressed by that leaden sense of moral +inferiority which weighs on a man who has turned up to dinner in +ordinary clothes when everybody else has dressed. He felt awkward and +conspicuously out of place. + +Then came lunch--and after lunch a glorious change. + +Volumes might be written on the cricket lunch and the influence it has +on the run of the game; how it undoes one man, and sends another back +to the fray like a giant refreshed; how it turns the brilliant fast +bowler into the sluggish medium, and the nervous bat into the masterful +smiter. + +On Mike its effect was magical. He lunched wisely and well, chewing his +food with the concentration of a thirty-three-bites a mouthful crank, +and drinking dry ginger-ale. As he walked out with Joe after the +interval he knew that a change had taken place in him. His nerve had +come back, and with it his form. + +It sometimes happens at cricket that when one feels particularly fit +one gets snapped in the slips in the first over, or clean bowled by a +full toss; but neither of these things happened to Mike. He stayed in, +and began to score. Now there were no edgings through the slips and +snicks to leg. He was meeting the ball in the centre of the bat, and +meeting it vigorously. Two boundaries in successive balls off the fast +bowler, hard, clean drives past extra-cover, put him at peace with all +the world. He was on top. He had found himself. + +Joe, at the other end, resumed his brilliant career. His century and +Mike's fifty arrived in the same over. The bowling began to grow loose. + +Joe, having reached his century, slowed down somewhat, and Mike took up +the running. The score rose rapidly. + +A leg-theory bowler kept down the pace of the run-getting for a time, +but the bowlers at the other end continued to give away runs. Mike's +score passed from sixty to seventy, from seventy to eighty, from eighty +to ninety. When the Smiths, father and son, came on to the ground the +total was ninety-eight. Joe had made a hundred and thirty-three. + + * * * * * + +Mike reached his century just as Psmith and his father took their +seats. A square cut off the slow bowler was just too wide for point to +get to. By the time third man had sprinted across and returned the ball +the batsmen had run two. + +Mr Smith was enthusiastic. + +'I tell you,' he said to Psmith, who was clapping in a gently +encouraging manner, 'the boy's a wonderful bat. I said so when he was +down with us. I remember telling him so myself. "I've seen your +brothers play," I said, "and you're better than any of them." I +remember it distinctly. He'll be playing for England in another year or +two. Fancy putting a cricketer like that into the City! It's a crime.' + +'I gather,' said Psmith, 'that the family coffers had got a bit low. It +was necessary for Comrade Jackson to do something by way of saving the +Old Home.' + +'He ought to be at the University. Look, he's got that man away to the +boundary again. They'll never get him out.' + +At six o'clock the partnership was broken, Joe running himself out in +trying to snatch a single where no single was. He had made a hundred +and eighty-nine. + +Mike flung himself down on the turf with mixed feelings. He was sorry +Joe was out, but he was very glad indeed of the chance of a rest. He +was utterly fagged. A half-day match once a week is no training for +first-class cricket. Joe, who had been playing all the season, was as +tough as india-rubber, and trotted into the pavilion as fresh as if he +had been having a brief spell at the nets. Mike, on the other hand, +felt that he simply wanted to be dropped into a cold bath and left +there indefinitely. There was only another half-hour's play, but he +doubted if he could get through it. + +He dragged himself up wearily as Joe's successor arrived at the +wickets. He had crossed Joe before the latter's downfall, and it was +his turn to take the bowling. + +Something seemed to have gone out of him. He could not time the ball +properly. The last ball of the over looked like a half-volley, and he +hit out at it. But it was just short of a half-volley, and his stroke +arrived too soon. The bowler, running in the direction of mid-on, +brought off an easy c.-and-b. + +Mike turned away towards the pavilion. He heard the gradually swelling +applause in a sort of dream. It seemed to him hours before he reached +the dressing-room. + +He was sitting on a chair, wishing that somebody would come along and +take off his pads, when Psmith's card was brought to him. A few moments +later the old Etonian appeared in person. + +'Hullo, Smith,' said Mike, 'By Jove! I'm done.' + +'"How Little Willie Saved the Match,"' said Psmith. 'What you want is +one of those gin and ginger-beers we hear so much about. Remove those +pads, and let us flit downstairs in search of a couple. Well, Comrade +Jackson, you have fought the good fight this day. My father sends his +compliments. He is dining out, or he would have come up. He is going to +look in at the flat latish.' + +'How many did I get?' asked Mike. 'I was so jolly done I didn't think +of looking.' + +'A hundred and forty-eight of the best,' said Psmith. 'What will they +say at the old homestead about this? Are you ready? Then let us test +this fruity old ginger-beer of theirs.' + +The two batsmen who had followed the big stand were apparently having a +little stand all of their own. No more wickets fell before the drawing +of stumps. Psmith waited for Mike while he changed, and carried him off +in a cab to Simpson's, a restaurant which, as he justly observed, +offered two great advantages, namely, that you need not dress, and, +secondly, that you paid your half-crown, and were then at liberty to +eat till you were helpless, if you felt so disposed, without extra +charge. + +Mike stopped short of this giddy height of mastication, but consumed +enough to make him feel a great deal better. Psmith eyed his inroads on +the menu with approval. + +'There is nothing,' he said, 'like victualling up before an ordeal.' + +'What's the ordeal?' said Mike. + +'I propose to take you round to the club anon, where I trust we shall +find Comrade Bickersdyke. We have much to say to one another.' + +'Look here, I'm hanged--' began Mike. + +'Yes, you must be there,' said Psmith. 'Your presence will serve to +cheer Comrade B. up. Fate compels me to deal him a nasty blow, and he +will want sympathy. I have got to break it to him that I am leaving the +bank.' + +'What, are you going to chuck it?' + +Psmith inclined his head. + +'The time,' he said, 'has come to part. It has served its turn. The +startled whisper runs round the City. "Psmith has had sufficient."' + +'What are you going to do?' + +'I propose to enter the University of Cambridge, and there to study the +intricacies of the Law, with a view to having a subsequent dash at +becoming Lord Chancellor.' + +'By Jove!' said Mike, 'you're lucky. I wish I were coming too.' + +Psmith knocked the ash off his cigarette. + +'Are you absolutely set on becoming a pro?' he asked. + +'It depends on what you call set. It seems to me it's about all I can +do.' + +'I can offer you a not entirely scaly job,' said Smith, 'if you feel +like taking it. In the course of conversation with my father during the +match this afternoon, I gleaned the fact that he is anxious to secure +your services as a species of agent. The vast Psmith estates, it seems, +need a bright boy to keep an eye upon them. Are you prepared to accept +the post?' + +Mike stared. + +'Me! Dash it all, how old do you think I am? I'm only nineteen.' + +'I had suspected as much from the alabaster clearness of your +unwrinkled brow. But my father does not wish you to enter upon your +duties immediately. There would be a preliminary interval of three, +possibly four, years at Cambridge, during which I presume, you would be +learning divers facts concerning spuds, turmuts, and the like. At +least,' said Psmith airily, 'I suppose so. Far be it from me to dictate +the line of your researches.' + +'Then I'm afraid it's off,' said Mike gloomily. 'My pater couldn't +afford to send me to Cambridge.' + +'That obstacle,' said Psmith, 'can be surmounted. You would, of course, +accompany me to Cambridge, in the capacity, which you enjoy at the +present moment, of my confidential secretary and adviser. Any expenses +that might crop up would be defrayed from the Psmith family chest.' + +Mike's eyes opened wide again. + +'Do you mean,' he asked bluntly, 'that your pater would pay for me at +the 'Varsity? No I say--dash it--I mean, I couldn't--' + +'Do you suggest,' said Psmith, raising his eyebrows, 'that I should go +to the University _without_ a confidential secretary and adviser?' + +'No, but I mean--' protested Mike. + +'Then that's settled,' said Psmith. 'I knew you would not desert me in +my hour of need, Comrade Jackson. "What will you do," asked my father, +alarmed for my safety, "among these wild undergraduates? I fear for my +Rupert." "Have no fear, father," I replied. "Comrade Jackson will be +beside me." His face brightened immediately. "Comrade Jackson," he +said, "is a man in whom I have the supremest confidence. If he is with +you I shall sleep easy of nights." It was after that that the +conversation drifted to the subject of agents.' + +Psmith called for the bill and paid it in the affable manner of a +monarch signing a charter. Mike sat silent, his mind in a whirl. He saw +exactly what had happened. He could almost hear Psmith talking his +father into agreeing with his scheme. He could think of nothing to say. +As usually happened in any emotional crisis in his life, words +absolutely deserted him. The thing was too big. Anything he could say +would sound too feeble. When a friend has solved all your difficulties +and smoothed out all the rough places which were looming in your path, +you cannot thank him as if he had asked you to lunch. The occasion +demanded some neat, polished speech; and neat, polished speeches were +beyond Mike. + +'I say, Psmith--' he began. + +Psmith rose. + +'Let us now,' he said, 'collect our hats and meander to the club, +where, I have no doubt, we shall find Comrade Bickersdyke, all +unconscious of impending misfortune, dreaming pleasantly over coffee +and a cigar in the lower smoking-room.' + + + + +30. The Last Sad Farewells + + +As it happened, that was precisely what Mr Bickersdyke was doing. He +was feeling thoroughly pleased with life. For nearly nine months Psmith +had been to him a sort of spectre at the feast inspiring him with an +ever-present feeling of discomfort which he had found impossible to +shake off. And tonight he saw his way of getting rid of him. + +At five minutes past four Mr Gregory, crimson and wrathful, had plunged +into his room with a long statement of how Psmith, deputed to help in +the life and thought of the Fixed Deposits Department, had left the +building at four o'clock, when there was still another hour and a +half's work to be done. + +Moreover, Mr Gregory deposed, the errant one, seen sliding out of the +swinging door, and summoned in a loud, clear voice to come back, had +flatly disobeyed and had gone upon his ways 'Grinning at me,' said the +aggrieved Mr Gregory, 'like a dashed ape.' A most unjust description of +the sad, sweet smile which Psmith had bestowed upon him from the +doorway. + +Ever since that moment Mr Bickersdyke had felt that there was a silver +lining to the cloud. Hitherto Psmith had left nothing to be desired in +the manner in which he performed his work. His righteousness in the +office had clothed him as in a suit of mail. But now he had slipped. To +go off an hour and a half before the proper time, and to refuse to +return when summoned by the head of his department--these were offences +for which he could be dismissed without fuss. Mr Bickersdyke looked +forward to tomorrow's interview with his employee. + +Meanwhile, having enjoyed an excellent dinner, he was now, as Psmith +had predicted, engaged with a cigar and a cup of coffee in the lower +smoking-room of the Senior Conservative Club. + +Psmith and Mike entered the room when he was about half through these +luxuries. + +Psmith's first action was to summon a waiter, and order a glass of neat +brandy. 'Not for myself,' he explained to Mike. 'For Comrade +Bickersdyke. He is about to sustain a nasty shock, and may need a +restorative at a moment's notice. For all we know, his heart may not be +strong. In any case, it is safest to have a pick-me-up handy.' + +He paid the waiter, and advanced across the room, followed by Mike. In +his hand, extended at arm's length, he bore the glass of brandy. + +Mr Bickersdyke caught sight of the procession, and started. Psmith set +the brandy down very carefully on the table, beside the manager's +coffee cup, and, dropping into a chair, regarded him pityingly through +his eyeglass. Mike, who felt embarrassed, took a seat some little way +behind his companion. This was Psmith's affair, and he proposed to +allow him to do the talking. + +Mr Bickersdyke, except for a slight deepening of the colour of his +complexion, gave no sign of having seen them. He puffed away at his +cigar, his eyes fixed on the ceiling. + +'An unpleasant task lies before us,' began Psmith in a low, sorrowful +voice, 'and it must not be shirked. Have I your ear, Mr Bickersdyke?' + +Addressed thus directly, the manager allowed his gaze to wander from +the ceiling. He eyed Psmith for a moment like an elderly basilisk, then +looked back at the ceiling again. + +'I shall speak to you tomorrow,' he said. + +Psmith heaved a heavy sigh. + +'You will not see us tomorrow,' he said, pushing the brandy a little +nearer. + +Mr Bickersdyke's eyes left the ceiling once more. + +'What do you mean?' he said. + +'Drink this,' urged Psmith sympathetically, holding out the glass. 'Be +brave,' he went on rapidly. 'Time softens the harshest blows. Shocks +stun us for the moment, but we recover. Little by little we come to +ourselves again. Life, which we had thought could hold no more pleasure +for us, gradually shows itself not wholly grey.' + +Mr Bickersdyke seemed about to make an observation at this point, but +Psmith, with a wave of the hand, hurried on. + +'We find that the sun still shines, the birds still sing. Things which +used to entertain us resume their attraction. Gradually we emerge from +the soup, and begin--' + +'If you have anything to say to me,' said the manager, 'I should be +glad if you would say it, and go.' + +'You prefer me not to break the bad news gently?' said Psmith. 'Perhaps +you are wise. In a word, then,'--he picked up the brandy and held it +out to him--'Comrade Jackson and myself are leaving the bank.' + +'I am aware of that,' said Mr Bickersdyke drily. + +Psmith put down the glass. + +'You have been told already?' he said. 'That accounts for your calm. +The shock has expended its force on you, and can do no more. You are +stunned. I am sorry, but it had to be. You will say that it is madness +for us to offer our resignations, that our grip on the work of the bank +made a prosperous career in Commerce certain for us. It may be so. But +somehow we feel that our talents lie elsewhere. To Comrade Jackson the +management of the Psmith estates seems the job on which he can get the +rapid half-Nelson. For my own part, I feel that my long suit is the +Bar. I am a poor, unready speaker, but I intend to acquire a knowledge +of the Law which shall outweigh this defect. Before leaving you, I +should like to say--I may speak for you as well as myself, Comrade +Jackson--?' + +Mike uttered his first contribution to the conversation--a gurgle--and +relapsed into silence again. + +'I should like to say,' continued Psmith, 'how much Comrade Jackson and +I have enjoyed our stay in the bank. The insight it has given us into +your masterly handling of the intricate mechanism of the office has +been a treat we would not have missed. But our place is elsewhere.' + +He rose. Mike followed his example with alacrity. It occurred to Mr +Bickersdyke, as they turned to go, that he had not yet been able to get +in a word about their dismissal. They were drifting away with all the +honours of war. + +'Come back,' he cried. + +Psmith paused and shook his head sadly. + +'This is unmanly, Comrade Bickersdyke,' he said. 'I had not expected +this. That you should be dazed by the shock was natural. But that you +should beg us to reconsider our resolve and return to the bank is +unworthy of you. Be a man. Bite the bullet. The first keen pang will +pass. Time will soften the feeling of bereavement. You must be brave. +Come, Comrade Jackson.' + +Mike responded to the call without hesitation. + +'We will now,' said Psmith, leading the way to the door, 'push back to +the flat. My father will be round there soon.' He looked over his +shoulder. Mr Bickersdyke appeared to be wrapped in thought. + +'A painful business,' sighed Psmith. 'The man seems quite broken up. It +had to be, however. The bank was no place for us. An excellent career +in many respects, but unsuitable for you and me. It is hard on Comrade +Bickersdyke, especially as he took such trouble to get me into it, but +I think we may say that we are well out of the place.' + +Mike's mind roamed into the future. Cambridge first, and then an +open-air life of the sort he had always dreamed of. The Problem of +Life seemed to him to be solved. He looked on down the years, and he +could see no troubles there of any kind whatsoever. Reason suggested +that there were probably one or two knocking about somewhere, but this +was no time to think of them. He examined the future, and found it good. + +'I should jolly well think,' he said simply, 'that we might.' + + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Psmith in the City, by P. G. Wodehouse + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PSMITH IN THE CITY *** + +***** This file should be named 6753.txt or 6753.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/6/7/5/6753/ + +Produced by Suzanne L. 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Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Psmith in the City + +Author: P. G. Wodehouse + +Release Date: October, 2004 [EBook #6753] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on January 23, 2003] +[Date last updated: July 15, 2005] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PSMITH IN THE CITY *** + + + + +Produced by Suzanne L. Shell, Charles Franks +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + + + + + +Psmith in the City + + + + + +by P. G. Wodehouse + + + + + +[Dedication] +to Leslie Havergal Bradshaw + + + + +Contents + + +1. Mr Bickersdyke Walks behind the Bowler's Arm + +2. Mike Hears Bad News + +3. The New Era Begins + +4. First Steps in a Business Career + +5. The Other Man + +6. Psmith Explains + +7. Going into Winter Quarters + +8. The Friendly Native + +9. The Haunting of Mr Bickersdyke + +10. Mr Bickersdyke Addresses His Constituents + +11. Misunderstood + +12. In a Nutshell + +13. Mike is Moved On + +14. Mr Waller Appears in a New Light + +15. Stirring Times on the Common + +16. Further Developments + +17. Sunday Supper + +18. Psmith Makes a Discovery + +19. The Illness of Edward + +20. Concerning a Cheque + +21. Psmith Makes Inquiries + +22. And Takes Steps + +23. Mr Bickersdyke Makes a Concession + +24. The Spirit of Unrest + +25. At the Telephone + +26. Breaking the News + +27. At Lord's + +28. Psmith Arranges His Future + +29. And Mike's + +30. The Last Sad Farewells + + + + +1. Mr Bickersdyke Walks behind the Bowler's Arm + + +Considering what a prominent figure Mr John Bickersdyke was to be in +Mike Jackson's life, it was only appropriate that he should make a +dramatic entry into it. This he did by walking behind the bowler's arm +when Mike had scored ninety-eight, causing him thereby to be clean +bowled by a long-hop. + +It was the last day of the Ilsworth cricket week, and the house team +were struggling hard on a damaged wicket. During the first two matches +of the week all had been well. Warm sunshine, true wickets, tea in the +shade of the trees. But on the Thursday night, as the team champed +their dinner contentedly after defeating the Incogniti by two wickets, +a pattering of rain made itself heard upon the windows. By bedtime it +had settled to a steady downpour. On Friday morning, when the team of +the local regiment arrived in their brake, the sun was shining once +more in a watery, melancholy way, but play was not possible before +lunch. After lunch the bowlers were in their element. The regiment, +winning the toss, put together a hundred and thirty, due principally to +a last wicket stand between two enormous corporals, who swiped at +everything and had luck enough for two whole teams. The house team +followed with seventy-eight, of which Psmith, by his usual golf +methods, claimed thirty. Mike, who had gone in first as the star bat of +the side, had been run out with great promptitude off the first ball of +the innings, which his partner had hit in the immediate neighbourhood +of point. At close of play the regiment had made five without loss. +This, on the Saturday morning, helped by another shower of rain which +made the wicket easier for the moment, they had increased to a hundred +and forty-eight, leaving the house just two hundred to make on a pitch +which looked as if it were made of linseed. + +It was during this week that Mike had first made the acquaintance of +Psmith's family. Mr Smith had moved from Shropshire, and taken Ilsworth +Hall in a neighbouring county. This he had done, as far as could be +ascertained, simply because he had a poor opinion of Shropshire +cricket. And just at the moment cricket happened to be the pivot of his +life. + +'My father,' Psmith had confided to Mike, meeting him at the station in +the family motor on the Monday, 'is a man of vast but volatile brain. +He has not that calm, dispassionate outlook on life which marks your +true philosopher, such as myself. I--' + +'I say,' interrupted Mike, eyeing Psmith's movements with apprehension, +'you aren't going to drive, are you?' + +'Who else? As I was saying, I am like some contented spectator of a +Pageant. My pater wants to jump in and stage-manage. He is a man of +hobbies. He never has more than one at a time, and he never has that +long. But while he has it, it's all there. When I left the house this +morning he was all for cricket. But by the time we get to the ground he +may have chucked cricket and taken up the Territorial Army. Don't be +surprised if you find the wicket being dug up into trenches, when we +arrive, and the pro. moving in echelon towards the pavilion. No,' he +added, as the car turned into the drive, and they caught a glimpse of +white flannels and blazers in the distance, and heard the sound of bat +meeting ball, 'cricket seems still to be topping the bill. Come along, +and I'll show you your room. It's next to mine, so that, if brooding on +Life in the still hours of the night, I hit on any great truth, I shall +pop in and discuss it with you.' + +While Mike was changing, Psmith sat on his bed, and continued to +discourse. + +'I suppose you're going to the 'Varsity?' he said. + +'Rather,' said Mike, lacing his boots. 'You are, of course? Cambridge, +I hope. I'm going to King's.' + +'Between ourselves,' confided Psmith, 'I'm dashed if I know what's +going to happen to me. I am the thingummy of what's-its-name.' + +'You look it,' said Mike, brushing his hair. + +'Don't stand there cracking the glass,' said Psmith. 'I tell you I am +practically a human three-shies-a-penny ball. My father is poising me +lightly in his hand, preparatory to flinging me at one of the milky +cocos of Life. Which one he'll aim at I don't know. The least thing +fills him with a whirl of new views as to my future. Last week we were +out shooting together, and he said that the life of the gentleman-farmer +was the most manly and independent on earth, and that he had a good +mind to start me on that. I pointed out that lack of early training +had rendered me unable to distinguish between a threshing-machine and +a mangel-wurzel, so he chucked that. He has now worked round to +Commerce. It seems that a blighter of the name of Bickersdyke is +coming here for the week-end next Saturday. As far as I can say +without searching the Newgate Calendar, the man Bickersdyke's career +seems to have been as follows. He was at school with my pater, went +into the City, raked in a certain amount of doubloons--probably +dishonestly--and is now a sort of Captain of Industry, manager of some +bank or other, and about to stand for Parliament. The result of these +excesses is that my pater's imagination has been fired, and at time of +going to press he wants me to imitate Comrade Bickersdyke. However, +there's plenty of time. That's one comfort. He's certain to change his +mind again. Ready? Then suppose we filter forth into the arena?' + +Out on the field Mike was introduced to the man of hobbies. Mr Smith, +senior, was a long, earnest-looking man who might have been Psmith in a +grey wig but for his obvious energy. He was as wholly on the move as +Psmith was wholly statuesque. Where Psmith stood like some dignified +piece of sculpture, musing on deep questions with a glassy eye, his +father would be trying to be in four places at once. When Psmith +presented Mike to him, he shook hands warmly with him and started a +sentence, but broke off in the middle of both performances to dash +wildly in the direction of the pavilion in an endeavour to catch an +impossible catch some thirty yards away. The impetus so gained carried +him on towards Bagley, the Ilsworth Hall ground-man, with whom a moment +later he was carrying on an animated discussion as to whether he had or +had not seen a dandelion on the field that morning. Two minutes +afterwards he had skimmed away again. Mike, as he watched him, began to +appreciate Psmith's reasons for feeling some doubt as to what would be +his future walk in life. + +At lunch that day Mike sat next to Mr Smith, and improved his +acquaintance with him; and by the end of the week they were on +excellent terms. Psmith's father had Psmith's gift of getting on well +with people. + +On this Saturday, as Mike buckled on his pads, Mr Smith bounded up, +full of advice and encouragement. + +'My boy,' he said, 'we rely on you. These others'--he indicated with a +disparaging wave of the hand the rest of the team, who were visible +through the window of the changing-room--'are all very well. Decent +club bats. Good for a few on a billiard-table. But you're our hope on a +wicket like this. I have studied cricket all my life'--till that summer +it is improbable that Mr Smith had ever handled a bat--'and I know a +first-class batsman when I see one. I've seen your brothers play. Pooh, +you're better than any of them. That century of yours against the Green +Jackets was a wonderful innings, wonderful. Now look here, my boy. I +want you to be careful. We've a lot of runs to make, so we mustn't take +any risks. Hit plenty of boundaries, of course, but be careful. +Careful. Dash it, there's a youngster trying to climb up the elm. He'll +break his neck. It's young Giles, my keeper's boy. Hi! Hi, there!' + +He scudded out to avert the tragedy, leaving Mike to digest his expert +advice on the art of batting on bad wickets. + +Possibly it was the excellence of this advice which induced Mike to +play what was, to date, the best innings of his life. There are moments +when the batsman feels an almost super-human fitness. This came to Mike +now. The sun had begun to shine strongly. It made the wicket more +difficult, but it added a cheerful touch to the scene. Mike felt calm +and masterful. The bowling had no terrors for him. He scored nine off +his first over and seven off his second, half-way through which he lost +his partner. He was to undergo a similar bereavement several times that +afternoon, and at frequent intervals. However simple the bowling might +seem to him, it had enough sting in it to worry the rest of the team +considerably. Batsmen came and went at the other end with such rapidity +that it seemed hardly worth while their troubling to come in at all. +Every now and then one would give promise of better things by lifting +the slow bowler into the pavilion or over the boundary, but it always +happened that a similar stroke, a few balls later, ended in an easy +catch. At five o'clock the Ilsworth score was eighty-one for seven +wickets, last man nought, Mike not out fifty-nine. As most of the house +team, including Mike, were dispersing to their homes or were due for +visits at other houses that night, stumps were to be drawn at six. It +was obvious that they could not hope to win. Number nine on the list, +who was Bagley, the ground-man, went in with instructions to play for a +draw, and minute advice from Mr Smith as to how he was to do it. Mike +had now begun to score rapidly, and it was not to be expected that he +could change his game; but Bagley, a dried-up little man of the type +which bowls for five hours on a hot August day without exhibiting any +symptoms of fatigue, put a much-bound bat stolidly in front of every +ball he received; and the Hall's prospects of saving the game grew +brighter. + +At a quarter to six the professional left, caught at very silly point +for eight. The score was a hundred and fifteen, of which Mike had made +eighty-five. + +A lengthy young man with yellow hair, who had done some good fast +bowling for the Hall during the week, was the next man in. In previous +matches he had hit furiously at everything, and against the Green +Jackets had knocked up forty in twenty minutes while Mike was putting +the finishing touches to his century. Now, however, with his host's +warning ringing in his ears, he adopted the unspectacular, or Bagley, +style of play. His manner of dealing with the ball was that of one +playing croquet. He patted it gingerly back to the bowler when it was +straight, and left it icily alone when it was off the wicket. Mike, +still in the brilliant vein, clumped a half-volley past point to the +boundary, and with highly scientific late cuts and glides brought his +score to ninety-eight. With Mike's score at this, the total at a +hundred and thirty, and the hands of the clock at five minutes to six, +the yellow-haired croquet exponent fell, as Bagley had fallen, a victim +to silly point, the ball being the last of the over. + +Mr Smith, who always went in last for his side, and who so far had not +received a single ball during the week, was down the pavilion steps and +half-way to the wicket before the retiring batsman had taken half a +dozen steps. + +'Last over,' said the wicket-keeper to Mike. 'Any idea how many you've +got? You must be near your century, I should think.' + +'Ninety-eight,' said Mike. He always counted his runs. + +'By Jove, as near as that? This is something like a finish.' + +Mike left the first ball alone, and the second. They were too wide of +the off-stump to be hit at safely. Then he felt a thrill as the third +ball left the bowler's hand. It was a long-hop. He faced square to pull +it. + +And at that moment Mr John Bickersdyke walked into his life across the +bowling-screen. + +He crossed the bowler's arm just before the ball pitched. Mike lost +sight of it for a fraction of a second, and hit wildly. The next moment +his leg stump was askew; and the Hall had lost the match. + +'I'm sorry,' he said to Mr Smith. 'Some silly idiot walked across the +screen just as the ball was bowled.' + +'What!' shouted Mr Smith. 'Who was the fool who walked behind the +bowler's arm?' he yelled appealingly to Space. + +'Here he comes, whoever he is,' said Mike. + +A short, stout man in a straw hat and a flannel suit was walking +towards them. As he came nearer Mike saw that he had a hard, thin-lipped +mouth, half-hidden by a rather ragged moustache, and that behind a pair +of gold spectacles were two pale and slightly protruding eyes, which, +like his mouth, looked hard. + +'How are you, Smith,' he said. + +'Hullo, Bickersdyke.' There was a slight internal struggle, and then Mr +Smith ceased to be the cricketer and became the host. He chatted +amiably to the new-comer. + +'You lost the game, I suppose,' said Mr Bickersdyke. + +The cricketer in Mr Smith came to the top again, blended now, however, +with the host. He was annoyed, but restrained in his annoyance. + +'I say, Bickersdyke, you know, my dear fellow,' he said complainingly, +'you shouldn't have walked across the screen. You put Jackson off, and +made him get bowled.' + +'The screen?' + +'That curious white object,' said Mike. 'It is not put up merely as an +ornament. There's a sort of rough idea of giving the batsman a chance +of seeing the ball, as well. It's a great help to him when people come +charging across it just as the bowler bowls.' + +Mr Bickersdyke turned a slightly deeper shade of purple, and was about +to reply, when what sporting reporters call 'the veritable ovation' +began. + +Quite a large crowd had been watching the game, and they expressed +their approval of Mike's performance. + +There is only one thing for a batsman to do on these occasions. Mike +ran into the pavilion, leaving Mr Bickersdyke standing. + + + + +2. Mike Hears Bad News + + +It seemed to Mike, when he got home, that there was a touch of gloom in +the air. His sisters were as glad to see him as ever. There was a good +deal of rejoicing going on among the female Jacksons because Joe had +scored his first double century in first-class cricket. Double +centuries are too common, nowadays, for the papers to take much notice +of them; but, still, it is not everybody who can make them, and the +occasion was one to be marked. Mike had read the news in the evening +paper in the train, and had sent his brother a wire from the station, +congratulating him. He had wondered whether he himself would ever +achieve the feat in first-class cricket. He did not see why he should +not. He looked forward through a long vista of years of county cricket. +He had a birth qualification for the county in which Mr Smith had +settled, and he had played for it once already at the beginning of the +holidays. His _debut_ had not been sensational, but it had been +promising. The fact that two members of the team had made centuries, +and a third seventy odd, had rather eclipsed his own twenty-nine not +out; but it had been a faultless innings, and nearly all the papers had +said that here was yet another Jackson, evidently well up to the family +standard, who was bound to do big things in the future. + +The touch of gloom was contributed by his brother Bob to a certain +extent, and by his father more noticeably. Bob looked slightly +thoughtful. Mr Jackson seemed thoroughly worried. + +Mike approached Bob on the subject in the billiard-room after dinner. +Bob was practising cannons in rather a listless way. + +'What's up, Bob?' asked Mike. + +Bob laid down his cue. + +'I'm hanged if I know,' said Bob. 'Something seems to be. Father's +worried about something.' + +'He looked as if he'd got the hump rather at dinner.' + +'I only got here this afternoon, about three hours before you did. I +had a bit of a talk with him before dinner. I can't make out what's up. +He seemed awfully keen on my finding something to do now I've come down +from Oxford. Wanted to know whether I couldn't get a tutoring job or a +mastership at some school next term. I said I'd have a shot. I don't +see what all the hurry's about, though. I was hoping he'd give me a bit +of travelling on the Continent somewhere before I started in.' + +'Rough luck,' said Mike. 'I wonder why it is. Jolly good about Joe, +wasn't it? Let's have fifty up, shall we?' + +Bob's remarks had given Mike no hint of impending disaster. It seemed +strange, of course, that his father, who had always been so easy-going, +should have developed a hustling Get On or Get Out spirit, and be +urging Bob to Do It Now; but it never occurred to him that there could +be any serious reason for it. After all, fellows had to start working +some time or other. Probably his father had merely pointed this out to +Bob, and Bob had made too much of it. + +Half-way through the game Mr Jackson entered the room, and stood +watching in silence. + +'Want a game, father?' asked Mike. + +'No, thanks, Mike. What is it? A hundred up?' + +'Fifty.' + +'Oh, then you'll be finished in a moment. When you are, I wish you'd +just look into the study for a moment, Mike. I want to have a talk with +you.' + +'Rum,' said Mike, as the door closed. 'I wonder what's up?' + +For a wonder his conscience was free. It was not as if a bad school-report +might have arrived in his absence. His Sedleigh report had come at +the beginning of the holidays, and had been, on the whole, fairly +decent--nothing startling either way. Mr Downing, perhaps through +remorse at having harried Mike to such an extent during the Sammy +episode, had exercised a studied moderation in his remarks. He had let +Mike down far more easily than he really deserved. So it could not be a +report that was worrying Mr Jackson. And there was nothing else on his +conscience. + +Bob made a break of sixteen, and ran out. Mike replaced his cue, and +walked to the study. + +His father was sitting at the table. Except for the very important fact +that this time he felt that he could plead Not Guilty on every possible +charge, Mike was struck by the resemblance in the general arrangement +of the scene to that painful ten minutes at the end of the previous +holidays, when his father had announced his intention of taking him +away from Wrykyn and sending him to Sedleigh. The resemblance was +increased by the fact that, as Mike entered, Mr Jackson was kicking at +the waste-paper basket--a thing which with him was an infallible sign +of mental unrest. + +'Sit down, Mike,' said Mr Jackson. 'How did you get on during the +week?' + +'Topping. Only once out under double figures. And then I was run out. +Got a century against the Green Jackets, seventy-one against the +Incogs, and today I made ninety-eight on a beast of a wicket, and only +got out because some silly goat of a chap--' + +He broke off. Mr Jackson did not seem to be attending. There was a +silence. Then Mr Jackson spoke with an obvious effort. + +'Look here, Mike, we've always understood one another, haven't we?' + +'Of course we have.' + +'You know I wouldn't do anything to prevent you having a good time, if +I could help it. I took you away from Wrykyn, I know, but that was a +special case. It was necessary. But I understand perfectly how keen you +are to go to Cambridge, and I wouldn't stand in the way for a minute, +if I could help it.' + +Mike looked at him blankly. This could only mean one thing. He was not +to go to the 'Varsity. But why? What had happened? When he had left for +the Smith's cricket week, his name had been down for King's, and the +whole thing settled. What could have happened since then? + +'But I can't help it,' continued Mr Jackson. + +'Aren't I going up to Cambridge, father?' stammered Mike. + +'I'm afraid not, Mike. I'd manage it if I possibly could. I'm just as +anxious to see you get your Blue as you are to get it. But it's kinder +to be quite frank. I can't afford to send you to Cambridge. I won't go +into details which you would not understand; but I've lost a very large +sum of money since I saw you last. So large that we shall have to +economize in every way. I shall let this house and take a much smaller +one. And you and Bob, I'm afraid, will have to start earning your +living. I know it's a terrible disappointment to you, old chap.' + +'Oh, that's all right,' said Mike thickly. There seemed to be something +sticking in his throat, preventing him from speaking. + +'If there was any possible way--' + +'No, it's all right, father, really. I don't mind a bit. It's awfully +rough luck on you losing all that.' + +There was another silence. The clock ticked away energetically on the +mantelpiece, as if glad to make itself heard at last. Outside, a +plaintive snuffle made itself heard. John, the bull-dog, Mike's +inseparable companion, who had followed him to the study, was getting +tired of waiting on the mat. Mike got up and opened the door. John +lumbered in. + +The movement broke the tension. + +'Thanks, Mike,' said Mr Jackson, as Mike started to leave the room, +'you're a sportsman.' + + + + +3. The New Era Begins + + +Details of what were in store for him were given to Mike next morning. +During his absence at Ilsworth a vacancy had been got for him in that +flourishing institution, the New Asiatic Bank; and he was to enter upon +his duties, whatever they might be, on the Tuesday of the following +week. It was short notice, but banks have a habit of swallowing their +victims rather abruptly. Mike remembered the case of Wyatt, who had had +just about the same amount of time in which to get used to the prospect +of Commerce. + +On the Monday morning a letter arrived from Psmith. Psmith was still +perturbed. 'Commerce,' he wrote, 'continues to boom. My pater referred +to Comrade Bickersdyke last night as a Merchant Prince. Comrade B. and +I do not get on well together. Purely for his own good, I drew him +aside yesterday and explained to him at great length the frightfulness +of walking across the bowling-screen. He seemed restive, but I was +firm. We parted rather with the Distant Stare than the Friendly Smile. +But I shall persevere. In many ways the casual observer would say that +he was hopeless. He is a poor performer at Bridge, as I was compelled +to hint to him on Saturday night. His eyes have no animated sparkle of +intelligence. And the cut of his clothes jars my sensitive soul to its +foundations. I don't wish to speak ill of a man behind his back, but I +must confide in you, as my Boyhood's Friend, that he wore a made-up tie +at dinner. But no more of a painful subject. I am working away at him +with a brave smile. Sometimes I think that I am succeeding. Then he +seems to slip back again. However,' concluded the letter, ending on an +optimistic note, 'I think that I shall make a man of him yet--some +day.' + +Mike re-read this letter in the train that took him to London. By this +time Psmith would know that his was not the only case in which Commerce +was booming. Mike had written to him by return, telling him of the +disaster which had befallen the house of Jackson. Mike wished he could +have told him in person, for Psmith had a way of treating unpleasant +situations as if he were merely playing at them for his own amusement. +Psmith's attitude towards the slings and arrows of outrageous Fortune +was to regard them with a bland smile, as if they were part of an +entertainment got up for his express benefit. + +Arriving at Paddington, Mike stood on the platform, waiting for his box +to emerge from the luggage-van, with mixed feelings of gloom and +excitement. The gloom was in the larger quantities, perhaps, but the +excitement was there, too. It was the first time in his life that he +had been entirely dependent on himself. He had crossed the Rubicon. The +occasion was too serious for him to feel the same helplessly furious +feeling with which he had embarked on life at Sedleigh. It was possible +to look on Sedleigh with quite a personal enmity. London was too big to +be angry with. It took no notice of him. It did not care whether he was +glad to be there or sorry, and there was no means of making it care. +That is the peculiarity of London. There is a sort of cold +unfriendliness about it. A city like New York makes the new arrival +feel at home in half an hour; but London is a specialist in what Psmith +in his letter had called the Distant Stare. You have to buy London's +good-will. + +Mike drove across the Park to Victoria, feeling very empty and small. +He had settled on Dulwich as the spot to get lodgings, partly because, +knowing nothing about London, he was under the impression that rooms +anywhere inside the four-mile radius were very expensive, but +principally because there was a school at Dulwich, and it would be a +comfort being near a school. He might get a game of fives there +sometimes, he thought, on a Saturday afternoon, and, in the summer, +occasional cricket. + +Wandering at a venture up the asphalt passage which leads from Dulwich +station in the direction of the College, he came out into Acacia Road. +There is something about Acacia Road which inevitably suggests +furnished apartments. A child could tell at a glance that it was +bristling with bed-sitting rooms. + +Mike knocked at the first door over which a card hung. + +There is probably no more depressing experience in the world than the +process of engaging furnished apartments. Those who let furnished +apartments seem to take no joy in the act. Like Pooh-Bah, they do it, +but it revolts them. + +In answer to Mike's knock, a female person opened the door. In +appearance she resembled a pantomime 'dame', inclining towards the +restrained melancholy of Mr Wilkie Bard rather than the joyous abandon +of Mr George Robey. Her voice she had modelled on the gramophone. Her +most recent occupation seemed to have been something with a good deal +of yellow soap in it. As a matter of fact--there are no secrets between +our readers and ourselves--she had been washing a shirt. A useful +occupation, and an honourable, but one that tends to produce a certain +homeliness in the appearance. + +She wiped a pair of steaming hands on her apron, and regarded Mike with +an eye which would have been markedly expressionless in a boiled fish. + +'Was there anything?' she asked. + +Mike felt that he was in for it now. He had not sufficient ease of +manner to back gracefully away and disappear, so he said that there was +something. In point of fact, he wanted a bed-sitting room. + +'Orkup stays,' said the pantomime dame. Which Mike interpreted to mean, +would he walk upstairs? + +The procession moved up a dark flight of stairs until it came to a +door. The pantomime dame opened this, and shuffled through. Mike stood +in the doorway, and looked in. + +It was a repulsive room. One of those characterless rooms which are +only found in furnished apartments. To Mike, used to the comforts of +his bedroom at home and the cheerful simplicity of a school dormitory, +it seemed about the most dismal spot he had ever struck. A sort of +Sargasso Sea among bedrooms. + +He looked round in silence. Then he said: 'Yes.' There did not seem +much else to say. + +'It's a nice room,' said the pantomime dame. Which was a black lie. It +was not a nice room. It never had been a nice room. And it did not seem +at all probable that it ever would be a nice room. But it looked cheap. +That was the great thing. Nobody could have the assurance to charge +much for a room like that. A landlady with a conscience might even have +gone to the length of paying people some small sum by way of +compensation to them for sleeping in it. + +'About what?' queried Mike. Cheapness was the great consideration. He +understood that his salary at the bank would be about four pounds ten a +month, to begin with, and his father was allowing him five pounds a +month. One does not do things _en prince_ on a hundred and +fourteen pounds a year. + +The pantomime dame became slightly more animated. Prefacing her remarks +by a repetition of her statement that it was a nice room, she went on +to say that she could 'do' it at seven and sixpence per week 'for +him'--giving him to understand, presumably, that, if the Shah of Persia +or Mr Carnegie ever applied for a night's rest, they would sigh in vain +for such easy terms. And that included lights. Coals were to be looked +on as an extra. 'Sixpence a scuttle.' Attendance was thrown in. + +Having stated these terms, she dribbled a piece of fluff under the bed, +after the manner of a professional Association footballer, and relapsed +into her former moody silence. + +Mike said he thought that would be all right. The pantomime dame +exhibited no pleasure. + +''Bout meals?' she said. 'You'll be wanting breakfast. Bacon, aigs, +an' that, I suppose?' + +Mike said he supposed so. + +'That'll be extra,' she said. 'And dinner? A chop, or a nice steak?' + +Mike bowed before this original flight of fancy. A chop or a nice steak +seemed to be about what he might want. + +'That'll be extra,' said the pantomime dame in her best Wilkie Bard +manner. + +Mike said yes, he supposed so. After which, having put down seven and +sixpence, one week's rent in advance, he was presented with a grubby +receipt and an enormous latchkey, and the _seance_ was at an end. +Mike wandered out of the house. A few steps took him to the railings +that bounded the College grounds. It was late August, and the evenings +had begun to close in. The cricket-field looked very cool and spacious +in the dim light, with the school buildings looming vague and shadowy +through the slight mist. The little gate by the railway bridge was not +locked. He went in, and walked slowly across the turf towards the big +clump of trees which marked the division between the cricket and +football fields. It was all very pleasant and soothing after the +pantomime dame and her stuffy bed-sitting room. He sat down on a bench +beside the second eleven telegraph-board, and looked across the ground +at the pavilion. For the first time that day he began to feel really +home-sick. Up till now the excitement of a strange venture had borne +him up; but the cricket-field and the pavilion reminded him so sharply +of Wrykyn. They brought home to him with a cutting distinctness, the +absolute finality of his break with the old order of things. Summers +would come and go, matches would be played on this ground with all the +glory of big scores and keen finishes; but he was done. 'He was a jolly +good bat at school. Top of the Wrykyn averages two years. But didn't do +anything after he left. Went into the city or something.' That was what +they would say of him, if they didn't quite forget him. + +The clock on the tower over the senior block chimed quarter after +quarter, but Mike sat on, thinking. It was quite late when he got up, +and began to walk back to Acacia Road. He felt cold and stiff and very +miserable. + + + + +4. First Steps in a Business Career + + +The City received Mike with the same aloofness with which the more +western portion of London had welcomed him on the previous day. Nobody +seemed to look at him. He was permitted to alight at St Paul's and make +his way up Queen Victoria Street without any demonstration. He followed +the human stream till he reached the Mansion House, and eventually +found himself at the massive building of the New Asiatic Bank, Limited. + +The difficulty now was to know how to make an effective entrance. There +was the bank, and here was he. How had he better set about breaking it +to the authorities that he had positively arrived and was ready to +start earning his four pound ten _per mensem_? Inside, the bank +seemed to be in a state of some confusion. Men were moving about in an +apparently irresolute manner. Nobody seemed actually to be working. As +a matter of fact, the business of a bank does not start very early in +the morning. Mike had arrived before things had really begun to move. +As he stood near the doorway, one or two panting figures rushed up the +steps, and flung themselves at a large book which stood on the counter +near the door. Mike was to come to know this book well. In it, if you +were an _employe_ of the New Asiatic Bank, you had to inscribe +your name every morning. It was removed at ten sharp to the +accountant's room, and if you reached the bank a certain number of +times in the year too late to sign, bang went your bonus. + +After a while things began to settle down. The stir and confusion +gradually ceased. All down the length of the bank, figures could be +seen, seated on stools and writing hieroglyphics in large letters. A +benevolent-looking man, with spectacles and a straggling grey beard, +crossed the gangway close to where Mike was standing. Mike put the +thing to him, as man to man. + +'Could you tell me,' he said, 'what I'm supposed to do? I've just +joined the bank.' The benevolent man stopped, and looked at him with a +pair of mild blue eyes. 'I think, perhaps, that your best plan would be +to see the manager,' he said. 'Yes, I should certainly do that. He will +tell you what work you have to do. If you will permit me, I will show +you the way.' + +'It's awfully good of you,' said Mike. He felt very grateful. After his +experience of London, it was a pleasant change to find someone who +really seemed to care what happened to him. His heart warmed to the +benevolent man. + +'It feels strange to you, perhaps, at first, Mr--' + +'Jackson.' + +'Mr Jackson. My name is Waller. I have been in the City some time, but +I can still recall my first day. But one shakes down. One shakes down +quite quickly. Here is the manager's room. If you go in, he will tell +you what to do.' + +'Thanks awfully,' said Mike. + +'Not at all.' He ambled off on the quest which Mike had interrupted, +turning, as he went, to bestow a mild smile of encouragement on the new +arrival. There was something about Mr Waller which reminded Mike +pleasantly of the White Knight in 'Alice through the Looking-glass.' + +Mike knocked at the managerial door, and went in. + +Two men were sitting at the table. The one facing the door was writing +when Mike went in. He continued to write all the time he was in the +room. Conversation between other people in his presence had apparently +no interest for him, nor was it able to disturb him in any way. + +The other man was talking into a telephone. Mike waited till he had +finished. Then he coughed. The man turned round. Mike had thought, as +he looked at his back and heard his voice, that something about his +appearance or his way of speaking was familiar. He was right. The man +in the chair was Mr Bickersdyke, the cross-screen pedestrian. + +These reunions are very awkward. Mike was frankly unequal to the +situation. Psmith, in his place, would have opened the conversation, +and relaxed the tension with some remark on the weather or the state of +the crops. Mike merely stood wrapped in silence, as in a garment. + +That the recognition was mutual was evident from Mr Bickersdyke's look. +But apart from this, he gave no sign of having already had the pleasure +of making Mike's acquaintance. He merely stared at him as if he were a +blot on the arrangement of the furniture, and said, 'Well?' + +The most difficult parts to play in real life as well as on the stage +are those in which no 'business' is arranged for the performer. It was +all very well for Mr Bickersdyke. He had been 'discovered sitting'. But +Mike had had to enter, and he wished now that there was something he +could do instead of merely standing and speaking. + +'I've come,' was the best speech he could think of. It was not a good +speech. It was too sinister. He felt that even as he said it. It was +the sort of thing Mephistopheles would have said to Faust by way of +opening conversation. And he was not sure, either, whether he ought not +to have added, 'Sir.' + +Apparently such subtleties of address were not necessary, for Mr +Bickersdyke did not start up and shout, 'This language to me!' or +anything of that kind. He merely said, 'Oh! And who are you?' + +'Jackson,' said Mike. It was irritating, this assumption on Mr +Bickersdyke's part that they had never met before. + +'Jackson? Ah, yes. You have joined the staff?' + +Mike rather liked this way of putting it. It lent a certain dignity to +the proceedings, making him feel like some important person for whose +services there had been strenuous competition. He seemed to see the +bank's directors being reassured by the chairman. ('I am happy to say, +gentlemen, that our profits for the past year are 3,000,006-2-2 1/2 +pounds--(cheers)--and'--impressively--'that we have finally succeeded +in inducing Mr Mike Jackson--(sensation)--to--er--in fact, to join the +staff!' (Frantic cheers, in which the chairman joined.) + +'Yes,' he said. + +Mr Bickersdyke pressed a bell on the table beside him, and picking up a +pen, began to write. Of Mike he took no further notice, leaving that +toy of Fate standing stranded in the middle of the room. + +After a few moments one of the men in fancy dress, whom Mike had seen +hanging about the gangway, and whom he afterwards found to be +messengers, appeared. Mr Bickersdyke looked up. + +'Ask Mr Bannister to step this way,' he said. + +The messenger disappeared, and presently the door opened again to admit +a shock-headed youth with paper cuff-protectors round his wrists. + +'This is Mr Jackson, a new member of the staff. He will take your place +in the postage department. You will go into the cash department, under +Mr Waller. Kindly show him what he has to do.' + +Mike followed Mr Bannister out. On the other side of the door the +shock-headed one became communicative. + +'Whew!' he said, mopping his brow. 'That's the sort of thing which +gives me the pip. When William came and said old Bick wanted to see me, +I said to him, "William, my boy, my number is up. This is the sack." I +made certain that Rossiter had run me in for something. He's been +waiting for a chance to do it for weeks, only I've been as good as gold +and haven't given it him. I pity you going into the postage. There's +one thing, though. If you can stick it for about a month, you'll get +through all right. Men are always leaving for the East, and then you +get shunted on into another department, and the next new man goes into +the postage. That's the best of this place. It's not like one of those +banks where you stay in London all your life. You only have three years +here, and then you get your orders, and go to one of the branches in +the East, where you're the dickens of a big pot straight away, with a +big screw and a dozen native Johnnies under you. Bit of all right, +that. I shan't get my orders for another two and a half years and more, +worse luck. Still, it's something to look forward to.' + +'Who's Rossiter?' asked Mike. + +'The head of the postage department. Fussy little brute. Won't leave +you alone. Always trying to catch you on the hop. There's one thing, +though. The work in the postage is pretty simple. You can't make many +mistakes, if you're careful. It's mostly entering letters and stamping +them.' + +They turned in at the door in the counter, and arrived at a desk which +ran parallel to the gangway. There was a high rack running along it, on +which were several ledgers. Tall, green-shaded electric lamps gave it +rather a cosy look. + +As they reached the desk, a little man with short, black whiskers +buzzed out from behind a glass screen, where there was another desk. + +'Where have you been, Bannister, where have you been? You must not +leave your work in this way. There are several letters waiting to be +entered. Where have you been?' + +'Mr Bickersdyke sent for me,' said Bannister, with the calm triumph of +one who trumps an ace. + +'Oh! Ah! Oh! Yes, very well. I see. But get to work, get to work. Who +is this?' + +'This is a new man. He's taking my place. I've been moved on to the +cash.' + +'Oh! Ah! Is your name Smith?' asked Mr Rossiter, turning to Mike. + +Mike corrected the rash guess, and gave his name. It struck him as a +curious coincidence that he should be asked if his name were Smith, of +all others. Not that it is an uncommon name. + +'Mr Bickersdyke told me to expect a Mr Smith. Well, well, perhaps there +are two new men. Mr Bickersdyke knows we are short-handed in this +department. But, come along, Bannister, come along. Show Jackson what +he has to do. We must get on. There is no time to waste.' + +He buzzed back to his lair. Bannister grinned at Mike. He was a +cheerful youth. His normal expression was a grin. + +'That's a sample of Rossiter,' he said. 'You'd think from the fuss he's +made that the business of the place was at a standstill till we got to +work. Perfect rot! There's never anything to do here till after lunch, +except checking the stamps and petty cash, and I've done that ages ago. +There are three letters. You may as well enter them. It all looks like +work. But you'll find the best way is to wait till you get a couple of +dozen or so, and then work them off in a batch. But if you see Rossiter +about, then start stamping something or writing something, or he'll run +you in for neglecting your job. He's a nut. I'm jolly glad I'm under +old Waller now. He's the pick of the bunch. The other heads of +departments are all nuts, and Bickersdyke's the nuttiest of the lot. +Now, look here. This is all you've got to do. I'll just show you, and +then you can manage for yourself. I shall have to be shunting off to my +own work in a minute.' + + + + +5. The Other Man + + +As Bannister had said, the work in the postage department was not +intricate. There was nothing much to do except enter and stamp letters, +and, at intervals, take them down to the post office at the end of the +street. The nature of the work gave Mike plenty of time for reflection. + +His thoughts became gloomy again. All this was very far removed from +the life to which he had looked forward. There are some people who take +naturally to a life of commerce. Mike was not of these. To him the +restraint of the business was irksome. He had been used to an open-air +life, and a life, in its way, of excitement. He gathered that he would +not be free till five o'clock, and that on the following day he would +come at ten and go at five, and the same every day, except Saturdays +and Sundays, all the year round, with a ten days' holiday. The monotony +of the prospect appalled him. He was not old enough to know what a +narcotic is Habit, and that one can become attached to and interested +in the most unpromising jobs. He worked away dismally at his letters +till he had finished them. Then there was nothing to do except sit and +wait for more. + +He looked through the letters he had stamped, and re-read the +addresses. Some of them were directed to people living in the country, +one to a house which he knew quite well, near to his own home in +Shropshire. It made him home-sick, conjuring up visions of shady +gardens and country sounds and smells, and the silver Severn gleaming +in the distance through the trees. About now, if he were not in this +dismal place, he would be lying in the shade in the garden with a book, +or wandering down to the river to boat or bathe. That envelope +addressed to the man in Shropshire gave him the worst moment he had +experienced that day. + +The time crept slowly on to one o'clock. At two minutes past Mike awoke +from a day-dream to find Mr Waller standing by his side. The cashier +had his hat on. + +'I wonder,' said Mr Waller, 'if you would care to come out to lunch. I +generally go about this time, and Mr Rossiter, I know, does not go out +till two. I thought perhaps that, being unused to the City, you might +have some difficulty in finding your way about.' + +'It's awfully good of you,' said Mike. 'I should like to.' + +The other led the way through the streets and down obscure alleys till +they came to a chop-house. Here one could have the doubtful pleasure of +seeing one's chop in its various stages of evolution. Mr Waller ordered +lunch with the care of one to whom lunch is no slight matter. Few +workers in the City do regard lunch as a trivial affair. It is the +keynote of their day. It is an oasis in a desert of ink and ledgers. +Conversation in city office deals, in the morning, with what one is +going to have for lunch, and in the afternoon with what one has had for +lunch. + +At intervals during the meal Mr Waller talked. Mike was content to +listen. There was something soothing about the grey-bearded one. + +'What sort of a man is Bickersdyke?' asked Mike. + +'A very able man. A very able man indeed. I'm afraid he's not popular +in the office. A little inclined, perhaps, to be hard on mistakes. I +can remember the time when he was quite different. He and I were fellow +clerks in Morton and Blatherwick's. He got on better than I did. A +great fellow for getting on. They say he is to be the Unionist +candidate for Kenningford when the time comes. A great worker, but +perhaps not quite the sort of man to be generally popular in an +office.' + +'He's a blighter,' was Mike's verdict. Mr Waller made no comment. Mike +was to learn later that the manager and the cashier, despite the fact +that they had been together in less prosperous days--or possibly +because of it--were not on very good terms. Mr Bickersdyke was a man of +strong prejudices, and he disliked the cashier, whom he looked down +upon as one who had climbed to a lower rung of the ladder than he +himself had reached. + +As the hands of the chop-house clock reached a quarter to two, Mr +Waller rose, and led the way back to the office, where they parted for +their respective desks. Gratitude for any good turn done to him was a +leading characteristic of Mike's nature, and he felt genuinely grateful +to the cashier for troubling to seek him out and be friendly to him. + +His three-quarters-of-an-hour absence had led to the accumulation of a +small pile of letters on his desk. He sat down and began to work them +off. The addresses continued to exercise a fascination for him. He was +miles away from the office, speculating on what sort of a man J. B. +Garside, Esq, was, and whether he had a good time at his house in +Worcestershire, when somebody tapped him on the shoulder. + +He looked up. + +Standing by his side, immaculately dressed as ever, with his eye-glass +fixed and a gentle smile on his face, was Psmith. + +Mike stared. + +'Commerce,' said Psmith, as he drew off his lavender gloves, 'has +claimed me for her own. Comrade of old, I, too, have joined this +blighted institution.' + +As he spoke, there was a whirring noise in the immediate neighbourhood, +and Mr Rossiter buzzed out from his den with the _esprit_ and +animation of a clock-work toy. + +'Who's here?' said Psmith with interest, removing his eye-glass, +polishing it, and replacing it in his eye. + +'Mr Jackson,' exclaimed Mr Rossiter. 'I really must ask you to be good +enough to come in from your lunch at the proper time. It was fully +seven minutes to two when you returned, and--' + +'That little more,' sighed Psmith, 'and how much is it!' + +'Who are you?' snapped Mr Rossiter, turning on him. + +'I shall be delighted, Comrade--' + +'Rossiter,' said Mike, aside. + +'Comrade Rossiter. I shall be delighted to furnish you with particulars +of my family history. As follows. Soon after the Norman Conquest, a +certain Sieur de Psmith grew tired of work--a family failing, +alas!--and settled down in this country to live peacefully for the +remainder of his life on what he could extract from the local +peasantry. He may be described as the founder of the family which +ultimately culminated in Me. Passing on--' + +Mr Rossiter refused to pass on. + +'What are you doing here? What have you come for?' + +'Work,' said Psmith, with simple dignity. 'I am now a member of the +staff of this bank. Its interests are my interests. Psmith, the +individual, ceases to exist, and there springs into being Psmith, the +cog in the wheel of the New Asiatic Bank; Psmith, the link in the +bank's chain; Psmith, the Worker. I shall not spare myself,' he +proceeded earnestly. 'I shall toil with all the accumulated energy of +one who, up till now, has only known what work is like from hearsay. +Whose is that form sitting on the steps of the bank in the morning, +waiting eagerly for the place to open? It is the form of Psmith, the +Worker. Whose is that haggard, drawn face which bends over a ledger +long after the other toilers have sped blithely westwards to dine at +Lyons' Popular Cafe? It is the face of Psmith, the Worker.' + +'I--' began Mr Rossiter. + +'I tell you,' continued Psmith, waving aside the interruption and +tapping the head of the department rhythmically in the region of the +second waistcoat-button with a long finger, 'I tell _you_, Comrade +Rossiter, that you have got hold of a good man. You and I together, not +forgetting Comrade Jackson, the pet of the Smart Set, will toil early +and late till we boost up this Postage Department into a shining model +of what a Postage Department should be. What that is, at present, I do +not exactly know. However. Excursion trains will be run from distant +shires to see this Postage Department. American visitors to London will +do it before going on to the Tower. And now,' he broke off, with a +crisp, businesslike intonation, 'I must ask you to excuse me. Much as I +have enjoyed this little chat, I fear it must now cease. The time has +come to work. Our trade rivals are getting ahead of us. The whisper +goes round, "Rossiter and Psmith are talking, not working," and other +firms prepare to pinch our business. Let me Work.' + +Two minutes later, Mr Rossiter was sitting at his desk with a dazed +expression, while Psmith, perched gracefully on a stool, entered +figures in a ledger. + + + + +6. Psmith Explains + + +For the space of about twenty-five minutes Psmith sat in silence, +concentrated on his ledger, the picture of the model bank-clerk. Then +he flung down his pen, slid from his stool with a satisfied sigh, and +dusted his waistcoat. 'A commercial crisis,' he said, 'has passed. The +job of work which Comrade Rossiter indicated for me has been completed +with masterly skill. The period of anxiety is over. The bank ceases to +totter. Are you busy, Comrade Jackson, or shall we chat awhile?' + +Mike was not busy. He had worked off the last batch of letters, and +there was nothing to do but to wait for the next, or--happy thought--to +take the present batch down to the post, and so get out into the +sunshine and fresh air for a short time. 'I rather think I'll nip down +to the post-office,' said he, 'You couldn't come too, I suppose?' + +'On the contrary,' said Psmith, 'I could, and will. A stroll will just +restore those tissues which the gruelling work of the last half-hour +has wasted away. It is a fearful strain, this commercial toil. Let us +trickle towards the post office. I will leave my hat and gloves as a +guarantee of good faith. The cry will go round, "Psmith has gone! Some +rival institution has kidnapped him!" Then they will see my hat,'--he +built up a foundation of ledgers, planted a long ruler in the middle, +and hung his hat on it--'my gloves,'--he stuck two pens into the desk +and hung a lavender glove on each--'and they will sink back swooning +with relief. The awful suspense will be over. They will say, "No, he +has not gone permanently. Psmith will return. When the fields are white +with daisies he'll return." And now, Comrade Jackson, lead me to this +picturesque little post-office of yours of which I have heard so much.' + +Mike picked up the long basket into which he had thrown the letters +after entering the addresses in his ledger, and they moved off down the +aisle. No movement came from Mr Rossiter's lair. Its energetic occupant +was hard at work. They could just see part of his hunched-up back. + +'I wish Comrade Downing could see us now,' said Psmith. 'He always set +us down as mere idlers. Triflers. Butterflies. It would be a wholesome +corrective for him to watch us perspiring like this in the cause of +Commerce.' + +'You haven't told me yet what on earth you're doing here,' said Mike. +'I thought you were going to the 'Varsity. Why the dickens are you in a +bank? Your pater hasn't lost his money, has he?' + +'No. There is still a tolerable supply of doubloons in the old oak +chest. Mine is a painful story.' + +'It always is,' said Mike. + +'You are very right, Comrade Jackson. I am the victim of Fate. Ah, so +you put the little chaps in there, do you?' he said, as Mike, reaching +the post-office, began to bundle the letters into the box. 'You seem to +have grasped your duties with admirable promptitude. It is the same +with me. I fancy we are both born men of Commerce. In a few years we +shall be pinching Comrade Bickersdyke's job. And talking of Comrade B. +brings me back to my painful story. But I shall never have time to tell +it to you during our walk back. Let us drift aside into this tea-shop. +We can order a buckwheat cake or a butter-nut, or something equally +succulent, and carefully refraining from consuming these dainties, I +will tell you all.' + +'Right O!' said Mike. + +'When last I saw you,' resumed Psmith, hanging Mike's basket on the +hat-stand and ordering two portions of porridge, 'you may remember that +a serious crisis in my affairs had arrived. My father inflamed with the +idea of Commerce had invited Comrade Bickersdyke--' + +'When did you know he was a manager here?' asked Mike. + +'At an early date. I have my spies everywhere. However, my pater +invited Comrade Bickersdyke to our house for the weekend. Things turned +out rather unfortunately. Comrade B. resented my purely altruistic +efforts to improve him mentally and morally. Indeed, on one occasion he +went so far as to call me an impudent young cub, and to add that he +wished he had me under him in his bank, where, he asserted, he would +knock some of the nonsense out of me. All very painful. I tell you, +Comrade Jackson, for the moment it reduced my delicately vibrating +ganglions to a mere frazzle. Recovering myself, I made a few blithe +remarks, and we then parted. I cannot say that we parted friends, but +at any rate I bore him no ill-will. I was still determined to make him +a credit to me. My feelings towards him were those of some kindly +father to his prodigal son. But he, if I may say so, was fairly on the +hop. And when my pater, after dinner the same night, played into his +hands by mentioning that he thought I ought to plunge into a career of +commerce, Comrade B. was, I gather, all over him. Offered to make a +vacancy for me in the bank, and to take me on at once. My pater, +feeling that this was the real hustle which he admired so much, had me +in, stated his case, and said, in effect, "How do we go?" I intimated +that Comrade Bickersdyke was my greatest chum on earth. So the thing +was fixed up and here I am. But you are not getting on with your +porridge, Comrade Jackson. Perhaps you don't care for porridge? Would +you like a finnan haddock, instead? Or a piece of shortbread? You have +only to say the word.' + +'It seems to me,' said Mike gloomily, 'that we are in for a pretty +rotten time of it in this bally bank. If Bickersdyke's got his knife +into us, he can make it jolly warm for us. He's got his knife into me +all right about that walking-across-the-screen business.' + +'True,' said Psmith, 'to a certain extent. It is an undoubted fact that +Comrade Bickersdyke will have a jolly good try at making life a +nuisance to us; but, on the other hand, I propose, so far as in me +lies, to make things moderately unrestful for him, here and there.' + +'But you can't,' objected Mike. 'What I mean to say is, it isn't like a +school. If you wanted to score off a master at school, you could always +rag and so on. But here you can't. How can you rag a man who's sitting +all day in a room of his own while you're sweating away at a desk at +the other end of the building?' + +'You put the case with admirable clearness, Comrade Jackson,' said +Psmith approvingly. 'At the hard-headed, common-sense business you +sneak the biscuit every time with ridiculous case. But you do not know +all. I do not propose to do a thing in the bank except work. I shall be +a model as far as work goes. I shall be flawless. I shall bound to do +Comrade Rossiter's bidding like a highly trained performing dog. It is +outside the bank, when I have staggered away dazed with toil, that I +shall resume my attention to the education of Comrade Bickersdyke.' + +'But, dash it all, how can you? You won't see him. He'll go off home, +or to his club, or--' + +Psmith tapped him earnestly on the chest. + +'There, Comrade Jackson,' he said, 'you have hit the bull's-eye, rung +the bell, and gathered in the cigar or cocoanut according to choice. He +_will_ go off to his club. And I shall do precisely the same.' + +'How do you mean?' + +'It is this way. My father, as you may have noticed during your stay at +our stately home of England, is a man of a warm, impulsive character. +He does not always do things as other people would do them. He has his +own methods. Thus, he has sent me into the City to do the hard-working, +bank-clerk act, but at the same time he is allowing me just as large an +allowance as he would have given me if I had gone to the 'Varsity. +Moreover, while I was still at Eton he put my name up for his clubs, +the Senior Conservative among others. My pater belongs to four +clubs altogether, and in course of time, when my name comes up for +election, I shall do the same. Meanwhile, I belong to one, the Senior +Conservative. It is a bigger club than the others, and your name comes +up for election sooner. About the middle of last month a great yell of +joy made the West End of London shake like a jelly. The three thousand +members of the Senior Conservative had just learned that I had been +elected.' + +Psmith paused, and ate some porridge. + +'I wonder why they call this porridge,' he observed with mild interest. +'It would be far more manly and straightforward of them to give it its +real name. To resume. I have gleaned, from casual chit-chat with my +father, that Comrade Bickersdyke also infests the Senior Conservative. +You might think that that would make me, seeing how particular I am +about whom I mix with, avoid the club. Error. I shall go there every +day. If Comrade Bickersdyke wishes to emend any little traits in my +character of which he may disapprove, he shall never say that I did not +give him the opportunity. I shall mix freely with Comrade Bickersdyke +at the Senior Conservative Club. I shall be his constant companion. I +shall, in short, haunt the man. By these strenuous means I shall, as it +were, get a bit of my own back. And now,' said Psmith, rising, 'it +might be as well, perhaps, to return to the bank and resume our +commercial duties. I don't know how long you are supposed to be allowed +for your little trips to and from the post-office, but, seeing that the +distance is about thirty yards, I should say at a venture not more than +half an hour. Which is exactly the space of time which has flitted by +since we started out on this important expedition. Your devotion to +porridge, Comrade Jackson, has led to our spending about twenty-five +minutes in this hostelry.' + +'Great Scott,' said Mike, 'there'll be a row.' + +'Some slight temporary breeze, perhaps,' said Psmith. 'Annoying to men +of culture and refinement, but not lasting. My only fear is lest we may +have worried Comrade Rossiter at all. I regard Comrade Rossiter as an +elder brother, and would not cause him a moment's heart-burning for +worlds. However, we shall soon know,' he added, as they passed into the +bank and walked up the aisle, 'for there is Comrade Rossiter waiting to +receive us in person.' + +The little head of the Postage Department was moving restlessly about +in the neighbourhood of Psmith's and Mike's desk. + +'Am I mistaken,' said Psmith to Mike, 'or is there the merest suspicion +of a worried look on our chief's face? It seems to me that there is the +slightest soupcon of shadow about that broad, calm brow.' + + + + +7. Going into Winter Quarters + + +There was. + +Mr Rossiter had discovered Psmith's and Mike's absence about five +minutes after they had left the building. Ever since then, he had been +popping out of his lair at intervals of three minutes, to see whether +they had returned. Constant disappointment in this respect had rendered +him decidedly jumpy. When Psmith and Mike reached the desk, he was a +kind of human soda-water bottle. He fizzed over with questions, +reproofs, and warnings. + +'What does it mean? What does it mean?' he cried. 'Where have you been? +Where have you been?' + +'Poetry,' said Psmith approvingly. + +'You have been absent from your places for over half an hour. Why? Why? +Why? Where have you been? Where have you been? I cannot have this. It +is preposterous. Where have you been? Suppose Mr Bickersdyke had +happened to come round here. I should not have known what to say to +him.' + +'Never an easy man to chat with, Comrade Bickersdyke,' agreed Psmith. + +'You must thoroughly understand that you are expected to remain in your +places during business hours.' + +'Of course,' said Psmith, 'that makes it a little hard for Comrade +Jackson to post letters, does it not?' + +'Have you been posting letters?' + +'We have,' said Psmith. 'You have wronged us. Seeing our absent places +you jumped rashly to the conclusion that we were merely gadding about +in pursuit of pleasure. Error. All the while we were furthering the +bank's best interests by posting letters.' + +'You had no business to leave your place. Jackson is on the posting +desk.' + +'You are very right,' said Psmith, 'and it shall not occur again. It +was only because it was the first day, Comrade Jackson is not used to +the stir and bustle of the City. His nerve failed him. He shrank from +going to the post-office alone. So I volunteered to accompany him. +And,' concluded Psmith, impressively, 'we won safely through. Every +letter has been posted.' + +'That need not have taken you half an hour.' + +'True. And the actual work did not. It was carried through swiftly and +surely. But the nerve-strain had left us shaken. Before resuming our +more ordinary duties we had to refresh. A brief breathing-space, a +little coffee and porridge, and here we are, fit for work once more.' + +'If it occurs again, I shall report the matter to Mr Bickersdyke.' + +'And rightly so,' said Psmith, earnestly. 'Quite rightly so. +Discipline, discipline. That is the cry. There must be no shirking of +painful duties. Sentiment must play no part in business. Rossiter, the +man, may sympathise, but Rossiter, the Departmental head, must be +adamant.' + +Mr Rossiter pondered over this for a moment, then went off on a +side-issue. + +'What is the meaning of this foolery?' he asked, pointing to Psmith's +gloves and hat. 'Suppose Mr Bickersdyke had come round and seen them, +what should I have said?' + +'You would have given him a message of cheer. You would have said, "All +is well. Psmith has not left us. He will come back. And Comrade +Bickersdyke, relieved, would have--"' + +'You do not seem very busy, Mr Smith.' + +Both Psmith and Mr Rossiter were startled. + +Mr Rossiter jumped as if somebody had run a gimlet into him, and even +Psmith started slightly. They had not heard Mr Bickersdyke approaching. +Mike, who had been stolidly entering addresses in his ledger during the +latter part of the conversation, was also taken by surprise. + +Psmith was the first to recover. Mr Rossiter was still too confused for +speech, but Psmith took the situation in hand. + +'Apparently no,' he said, swiftly removing his hat from the ruler. 'In +reality, yes. Mr Rossiter and I were just scheming out a line of work +for me as you came up. If you had arrived a moment later, you would +have found me toiling.' + +'H'm. I hope I should. We do not encourage idling in this bank.' + +'Assuredly not,' said Psmith warmly. 'Most assuredly not. I would not +have it otherwise. I am a worker. A bee, not a drone. A +_Lusitania,_ not a limpet. Perhaps I have not yet that grip on my +duties which I shall soon acquire; but it is coming. It is coming. I +see daylight.' + +'H'm. I have only your word for it.' He turned to Mr Rossiter, who had +now recovered himself, and was as nearly calm as it was in his nature +to be. 'Do you find Mr Smith's work satisfactory, Mr Rossiter?' + +Psmith waited resignedly for an outburst of complaint respecting the +small matter that had been under discussion between the head of the +department and himself; but to his surprise it did not come. + +'Oh--ah--quite, quite, Mr Bickersdyke. I think he will very soon pick +things up.' + +Mr Bickersdyke turned away. He was a conscientious bank manager, and +one can only suppose that Mr Rossiter's tribute to the earnestness of +one of his _employes_ was gratifying to him. But for that, one would have +said that he was disappointed. + +'Oh, Mr Bickersdyke,' said Psmith. + +The manager stopped. + +'Father sent his kind regards to you,' said Psmith benevolently. + +Mr Bickersdyke walked off without comment. + +'An uncommonly cheery, companionable feller,' murmured Psmith, as he +turned to his work. + + +The first day anywhere, if one spends it in a sedentary fashion, always +seemed unending; and Mike felt as if he had been sitting at his desk +for weeks when the hour for departure came. A bank's day ends +gradually, reluctantly, as it were. At about five there is a sort of +stir, not unlike the stir in a theatre when the curtain is on the point +of falling. Ledgers are closed with a bang. Men stand about and talk +for a moment or two before going to the basement for their hats and +coats. Then, at irregular intervals, forms pass down the central aisle +and out through the swing doors. There is an air of relaxation over the +place, though some departments are still working as hard as ever under +a blaze of electric light. Somebody begins to sing, and an instant +chorus of protests and maledictions rises from all sides. Gradually, +however, the electric lights go out. The procession down the centre +aisle becomes more regular; and eventually the place is left to +darkness and the night watchman. + +The postage department was one of the last to be freed from duty. This +was due to the inconsiderateness of the other departments, which +omitted to disgorge their letters till the last moment. Mike as he grew +familiar with the work, and began to understand it, used to prowl round +the other departments during the afternoon and wrest letters from them, +usually receiving with them much abuse for being a nuisance and not +leaving honest workers alone. Today, however, he had to sit on till +nearly six, waiting for the final batch of correspondence. + +Psmith, who had waited patiently with him, though his own work was +finished, accompanied him down to the post office and back again to the +bank to return the letter basket; and they left the office together. + +'By the way,' said Psmith, 'what with the strenuous labours of the bank +and the disturbing interviews with the powers that be, I have omitted +to ask you where you are digging. Wherever it is, of course you must +clear out. It is imperative, in this crisis, that we should be +together. I have acquired a quite snug little flat in Clement's Inn. +There is a spare bedroom. It shall be yours.' + +'My dear chap,' said Mike, 'it's all rot. I can't sponge on you.' + +'You pain me, Comrade Jackson. I was not suggesting such a thing. We +are business men, hard-headed young bankers. I make you a business +proposition. I offer you the post of confidential secretary and adviser +to me in exchange for a comfortable home. The duties will be light. You +will be required to refuse invitations to dinner from crowned heads, +and to listen attentively to my views on Life. Apart from this, there +is little to do. So that's settled.' + +'It isn't,' said Mike. 'I--' + +'You will enter upon your duties tonight. Where are you suspended at +present?' + +'Dulwich. But, look here--' + +'A little more, and you'll get the sack. I tell you the thing is +settled. Now, let us hail yon taximeter cab, and desire the stern-faced +aristocrat on the box to drive us to Dulwich. We will then collect a +few of your things in a bag, have the rest off by train, come back in +the taxi, and go and bite a chop at the Carlton. This is a momentous +day in our careers, Comrade Jackson. We must buoy ourselves up.' + +Mike made no further objections. The thought of that bed-sitting room +in Acacia Road and the pantomime dame rose up and killed them. After +all, Psmith was not like any ordinary person. There would be no +question of charity. Psmith had invited him to the flat in exactly the +same spirit as he had invited him to his house for the cricket week. + +'You know,' said Psmith, after a silence, as they flitted through the +streets in the taximeter, 'one lives and learns. Were you so wrapped up +in your work this afternoon that you did not hear my very entertaining +little chat with Comrade Bickersdyke, or did it happen to come under +your notice? It did? Then I wonder if you were struck by the singular +conduct of Comrade Rossiter?' + +'I thought it rather decent of him not to give you away to that +blighter Bickersdyke.' + +'Admirably put. It was precisely that that struck me. He had his +opening, all ready made for him, but he refrained from depositing me in +the soup. I tell you, Comrade Jackson, my rugged old heart was touched. +I said to myself, "There must be good in Comrade Rossiter, after all. I +must cultivate him." I shall make it my business to be kind to our +Departmental head. He deserves the utmost consideration. His action +shone like a good deed in a wicked world. Which it was, of course. From +today onwards I take Comrade Rossiter under my wing. We seem to be +getting into a tolerably benighted quarter. Are we anywhere near? +"Through Darkest Dulwich in a Taximeter."' + +The cab arrived at Dulwich station, and Mike stood up to direct the +driver. They whirred down Acacia Road. Mike stopped the cab and got +out. A brief and somewhat embarrassing interview with the pantomime +dame, during which Mike was separated from a week's rent in lieu of +notice, and he was in the cab again, bound for Clement's Inn. + +His feelings that night differed considerably from the frame of mind in +which he had gone to bed the night before. It was partly a very +excellent dinner and partly the fact that Psmith's flat, though at +present in some disorder, was obviously going to be extremely +comfortable, that worked the change. But principally it was due to his +having found an ally. The gnawing loneliness had gone. He did not look +forward to a career of Commerce with any greater pleasure than before; +but there was no doubt that with Psmith, it would be easier to get +through the time after office hours. If all went well in the bank he +might find that he had not drawn such a bad ticket after all. + + + + +8. The Friendly Native + + +'The first principle of warfare,' said Psmith at breakfast next +morning, doling out bacon and eggs with the air of a medieval monarch +distributing largesse, 'is to collect a gang, to rope in allies, to +secure the cooperation of some friendly native. You may remember that +at Sedleigh it was partly the sympathetic cooperation of that record +blitherer, Comrade Jellicoe, which enabled us to nip the pro-Spiller +movement in the bud. It is the same in the present crisis. What Comrade +Jellicoe was to us at Sedleigh, Comrade Rossiter must be in the City. +We must make an ally of that man. Once I know that he and I are as +brothers, and that he will look with a lenient and benevolent eye on +any little shortcomings in my work, I shall be able to devote my +attention whole-heartedly to the moral reformation of Comrade +Bickersdyke, that man of blood. I look on Comrade Bickersdyke as a +bargee of the most pronounced type; and anything I can do towards +making him a decent member of Society shall be done freely and +ungrudgingly. A trifle more tea, Comrade Jackson?' + +'No, thanks,' said Mike. 'I've done. By Jove, Smith, this flat of yours +is all right.' + +'Not bad,' assented Psmith, 'not bad. Free from squalor to a great +extent. I have a number of little objects of _vertu_ coming down +shortly from the old homestead. Pictures, and so on. It will be by no +means un-snug when they are up. Meanwhile, I can rough it. We are old +campaigners, we Psmiths. Give us a roof, a few comfortable chairs, a +sofa or two, half a dozen cushions, and decent meals, and we do not +repine. Reverting once more to Comrade Rossiter--' + +'Yes, what about him?' said Mike. 'You'll have a pretty tough job +turning him into a friendly native, I should think. How do you mean to +start?' + +Psmith regarded him with a benevolent eye. + +'There is but one way,' he said. 'Do you remember the case of Comrade +Outwood, at Sedleigh? How did we corral him, and become to him +practically as long-lost sons?' + +'We got round him by joining the Archaeological Society.' + +'Precisely,' said Psmith. 'Every man has his hobby. The thing is to +find it out. In the case of comrade Rossiter, I should say that it +would be either postage stamps, dried seaweed, or Hall Caine. I shall +endeavour to find out today. A few casual questions, and the thing is +done. Shall we be putting in an appearance at the busy hive now? If we +are to continue in the running for the bonus stakes, it would be well +to start soon.' + +Mike's first duty at the bank that morning was to check the stamps and +petty cash. While he was engaged on this task, he heard Psmith +conversing affably with Mr Rossiter. + +'Good morning,' said Psmith. + +'Morning,' replied his chief, doing sleight-of-hand tricks with a +bundle of letters which lay on his desk. 'Get on with your work, +Psmith. We have a lot before us.' + +'Undoubtedly. I am all impatience. I should say that in an institution +like this, dealing as it does with distant portions of the globe, a +philatelist would have excellent opportunities of increasing his +collection. With me, stamp-collecting has always been a positive craze. +I--' + +'I have no time for nonsense of that sort myself,' said Mr Rossiter. 'I +should advise you, if you mean to get on, to devote more time to your +work and less to stamps.' + +'I will start at once. Dried seaweed, again--' + +'Get on with your work, Smith.' + +Psmith retired to his desk. + +'This,' he said to Mike, 'is undoubtedly something in the nature of a +set-back. I have drawn blank. The papers bring out posters, "Psmith +Baffled." I must try again. Meanwhile, to work. Work, the hobby of the +philosopher and the poor man's friend.' + +The morning dragged slowly on without incident. At twelve o'clock Mike +had to go out and buy stamps, which he subsequently punched in the +punching-machine in the basement, a not very exhilarating job in which +he was assisted by one of the bank messengers, who discoursed learnedly +on roses during the _seance_. Roses were his hobby. Mike began to +see that Psmith had reason in his assumption that the way to every +man's heart was through his hobby. Mike made a firm friend of William, +the messenger, by displaying an interest and a certain knowledge of +roses. At the same time the conversation had the bad effect of leading +to an acute relapse in the matter of homesickness. The rose-garden at +home had been one of Mike's favourite haunts on a summer afternoon. The +contrast between it and the basement of the new Asiatic Bank, the +atmosphere of which was far from being roselike, was too much for his +feelings. He emerged from the depths, with his punched stamps, filled +with bitterness against Fate. + +He found Psmith still baffled. + +'Hall Caine,' said Psmith regretfully, 'has also proved a frost. I +wandered round to Comrade Rossiter's desk just now with a rather brainy +excursus on "The Eternal City", and was received with the Impatient +Frown rather than the Glad Eye. He was in the middle of adding up a +rather tricky column of figures, and my remarks caused him to drop a +stitch. So far from winning the man over, I have gone back. There now +exists between Comrade Rossiter and myself a certain coldness. Further +investigations will be postponed till after lunch.' + +The postage department received visitors during the morning. Members of +other departments came with letters, among them Bannister. Mr Rossiter +was away in the manager's room at the time. + +'How are you getting on?' said Bannister to Mike. + +'Oh, all right,' said Mike. + +'Had any trouble with Rossiter yet?' + +'No, not much.' + +'He hasn't run you in to Bickersdyke?' + +'No.' + +'Pardon my interrupting a conversation between old college chums,' said +Psmith courteously, 'but I happened to overhear, as I toiled at my +desk, the name of Comrade Rossiter.' + +Bannister looked somewhat startled. Mike introduced them. + +'This is Smith,' he said. 'Chap I was at school with. This is +Bannister, Smith, who used to be on here till I came.' + +'In this department?' asked Psmith. + +'Yes.' + +'Then, Comrade Bannister, you are the very man I have been looking for. +Your knowledge will be invaluable to us. I have no doubt that, during +your stay in this excellently managed department, you had many +opportunities of observing Comrade Rossiter?' + +'I should jolly well think I had,' said Bannister with a laugh. 'He saw +to that. He was always popping out and cursing me about something.' + +'Comrade Rossiter's manners are a little restive,' agreed Psmith. 'What +used you to talk to him about?' + +'What used I to talk to him about?' + +'Exactly. In those interviews to which you have alluded, how did you +amuse, entertain Comrade Rossiter?' + +'I didn't. He used to do all the talking there was.' + +Psmith straightened his tie, and clicked his tongue, disappointed. + +'This is unfortunate,' he said, smoothing his hair. 'You see, Comrade +Bannister, it is this way. In the course of my professional duties, I +find myself continually coming into contact with Comrade Rossiter.' + +'I bet you do,' said Bannister. + +'On these occasions I am frequently at a loss for entertaining +conversation. He has no difficulty, as apparently happened in your +case, in keeping up his end of the dialogue. The subject of my +shortcomings provides him with ample material for speech. I, on the +other hand, am dumb. I have nothing to say.' + +'I should think that was a bit of a change for you, wasn't it?' + +'Perhaps, so,' said Psmith, 'perhaps so. On the other hand, however +restful it may be to myself, it does not enable me to secure Comrade +Rossiter's interest and win his esteem.' + +'What Smith wants to know,' said Mike, 'is whether Rossiter has any +hobby of any kind. He thinks, if he has, he might work it to keep in +with him.' + +Psmith, who had been listening with an air of pleased interest, much as +a father would listen to his child prattling for the benefit of a +visitor, confirmed this statement. + +'Comrade Jackson,' he said, 'has put the matter with his usual +admirable clearness. That is the thing in a nutshell. Has Comrade +Rossiter any hobby that you know of? Spillikins, brass-rubbing, the +Near Eastern Question, or anything like that? I have tried him with +postage-stamps (which you'd think, as head of a postage department, he +ought to be interested in), and dried seaweed, Hall Caine, but I have +the honour to report total failure. The man seems to have no pleasures. +What does he do with himself when the day's toil is ended? That giant +brain must occupy itself somehow.' + +'I don't know,' said Bannister, 'unless it's football. I saw him once +watching Chelsea. I was rather surprised.' + +'Football,' said Psmith thoughtfully, 'football. By no means a scaly +idea. I rather fancy, Comrade Bannister, that you have whanged the nail +on the head. Is he strong on any particular team? I mean, have you ever +heard him, in the intervals of business worries, stamping on his desk +and yelling, "Buck up Cottagers!" or "Lay 'em out, Pensioners!" or +anything like that? One moment.' Psmith held up his hand. 'I will get +my Sherlock Holmes system to work. What was the other team in the +modern gladiatorial contest at which you saw Comrade Rossiter?' + +'Manchester United.' + +'And Comrade Rossiter, I should say, was a Manchester man.' + +'I believe he is.' + +'Then I am prepared to bet a small sum that he is nuts on Manchester +United. My dear Holmes, how--! Elementary, my dear fellow, quite +elementary. But here comes the lad in person.' + +Mr Rossiter turned in from the central aisle through the counter-door, +and, observing the conversational group at the postage-desk, came +bounding up. Bannister moved off. + +'Really, Smith,' said Mr Rossiter, 'you always seem to be talking. I +have overlooked the matter once, as I did not wish to get you into +trouble so soon after joining; but, really, it cannot go on. I must +take notice of it.' + +Psmith held up his hand. + +'The fault was mine,' he said, with manly frankness. 'Entirely mine. +Bannister came in a purely professional spirit to deposit a letter with +Comrade Jackson. I engaged him in conversation on the subject of the +Football League, and I was just trying to correct his view that +Newcastle United were the best team playing, when you arrived.' + +'It is perfectly absurd,' said Mr Rossiter, 'that you should waste the +bank's time in this way. The bank pays you to work, not to talk about +professional football.' + +'Just so, just so,' murmured Psmith. + +'There is too much talking in this department.' + +'I fear you are right.' + +'It is nonsense.' + +'My own view,' said Psmith, 'was that Manchester United were by far the +finest team before the public.' + +'Get on with your work, Smith.' + +Mr Rossiter stumped off to his desk, where he sat as one in thought. + +'Smith,' he said at the end of five minutes. + +Psmith slid from his stool, and made his way deferentially towards him. + +'Bannister's a fool,' snapped Mr Rossiter. + +'So I thought,' said Psmith. + +'A perfect fool. He always was.' + +Psmith shook his head sorrowfully, as who should say, 'Exit Bannister.' + +'There is no team playing today to touch Manchester United.' + +'Precisely what I said to Comrade Bannister.' + +'Of course. You know something about it.' + +'The study of League football,' said Psmith, 'has been my relaxation +for years.' + +'But we have no time to discuss it now.' + +'Assuredly not, sir. Work before everything.' + +'Some other time, when--' + +'--We are less busy. Precisely.' + +Psmith moved back to his seat. + +'I fear,' he said to Mike, as he resumed work, 'that as far as Comrade +Rossiter's friendship and esteem are concerned, I have to a certain +extent landed Comrade Bannister in the bouillon; but it was in a good +cause. I fancy we have won through. Half an hour's thoughtful perusal +of the "Footballers' Who's Who", just to find out some elementary facts +about Manchester United, and I rather think the friendly Native is +corralled. And now once more to work. Work, the hobby of the hustler +and the deadbeat's dread.' + + + + +9. The Haunting of Mr Bickersdyke + + +Anything in the nature of a rash and hasty move was wholly foreign to +Psmith's tactics. He had the patience which is the chief quality of the +successful general. He was content to secure his base before making any +offensive movement. It was a fortnight before he turned his attention +to the education of Mr Bickersdyke. During that fortnight he conversed +attractively, in the intervals of work, on the subject of League +football in general and Manchester United in particular. The subject is +not hard to master if one sets oneself earnestly to it; and Psmith +spared no pains. The football editions of the evening papers are not +reticent about those who play the game: and Psmith drank in every +detail with the thoroughness of the conscientious student. By the end +of the fortnight he knew what was the favourite breakfast-food of J. +Turnbull; what Sandy Turnbull wore next his skin; and who, in the +opinion of Meredith, was England's leading politician. These facts, +imparted to and discussed with Mr Rossiter, made the progress of the +_entente cordiale_ rapid. It was on the eighth day that Mr +Rossiter consented to lunch with the Old Etonian. On the tenth he +played the host. By the end of the fortnight the flapping of the white +wings of Peace over the Postage Department was setting up a positive +draught. Mike, who had been introduced by Psmith as a distant relative +of Moger, the goalkeeper, was included in the great peace. + +'So that now,' said Psmith, reflectively polishing his eye-glass, 'I +think that we may consider ourselves free to attend to Comrade +Bickersdyke. Our bright little Mancunian friend would no more run us in +now than if we were the brothers Turnbull. We are as inside forwards to +him.' + +The club to which Psmith and Mr Bickersdyke belonged was celebrated for +the steadfastness of its political views, the excellence of its +cuisine, and the curiously Gorgonzolaesque marble of its main +staircase. It takes all sorts to make a world. It took about four +thousand of all sorts to make the Senior Conservative Club. To be +absolutely accurate, there were three thousand seven hundred and +eighteen members. + +To Mr Bickersdyke for the next week it seemed as if there was only one. + +There was nothing crude or overdone about Psmith's methods. The +ordinary man, having conceived the idea of haunting a fellow clubman, +might have seized the first opportunity of engaging him in +conversation. Not so Psmith. The first time he met Mr Bickersdyke in +the club was on the stairs after dinner one night. The great man, +having received practical proof of the excellence of cuisine referred +to above, was coming down the main staircase at peace with all men, +when he was aware of a tall young man in the 'faultless evening dress' +of which the female novelist is so fond, who was regarding him with a +fixed stare through an eye-glass. The tall young man, having caught his +eye, smiled faintly, nodded in a friendly but patronizing manner, and +passed on up the staircase to the library. Mr Bickersdyke sped on in +search of a waiter. + +As Psmith sat in the library with a novel, the waiter entered, and +approached him. + +'Beg pardon, sir,' he said. 'Are you a member of this club?' + +Psmith fumbled in his pocket and produced his eye-glass, through which +he examined the waiter, button by button. + +'I am Psmith,' he said simply. + +'A member, sir?' + +'_The_ member,' said Psmith. 'Surely you participated in the +general rejoicings which ensued when it was announced that I had been +elected? But perhaps you were too busy working to pay any attention. If +so, I respect you. I also am a worker. A toiler, not a flatfish. A +sizzler, not a squab. Yes, I am a member. Will you tell Mr Bickersdyke +that I am sorry, but I have been elected, and have paid my entrance fee +and subscription.' + +'Thank you, sir.' + +The waiter went downstairs and found Mr Bickersdyke in the lower +smoking-room. + +'The gentleman says he is, sir.' + +'H'm,' said the bank-manager. 'Coffee and Benedictine, and a cigar.' + +'Yes, sir.' + +On the following day Mr Bickersdyke met Psmith in the club three times, +and on the day after that seven. Each time the latter's smile was +friendly, but patronizing. Mr Bickersdyke began to grow restless. + +On the fourth day Psmith made his first remark. The manager was reading +the evening paper in a corner, when Psmith sinking gracefully into a +chair beside him, caused him to look up. + +'The rain keeps off,' said Psmith. + +Mr Bickersdyke looked as if he wished his employee would imitate the +rain, but he made no reply. + +Psmith called a waiter. + +'Would you mind bringing me a small cup of coffee?' he said. 'And for +you,' he added to Mr Bickersdyke. + +'Nothing,' growled the manager. + +'And nothing for Mr Bickersdyke.' + +The waiter retired. Mr Bickersdyke became absorbed in his paper. + +'I see from my morning paper,' said Psmith, affably, 'that you are to +address a meeting at the Kenningford Town Hall next week. I shall come +and hear you. Our politics differ in some respects, I fear--I incline +to the Socialist view--but nevertheless I shall listen to your remarks +with great interest, great interest.' + +The paper rustled, but no reply came from behind it. + +'I heard from father this morning,' resumed Psmith. + +Mr Bickersdyke lowered his paper and glared at him. + +'I don't wish to hear about your father,' he snapped. + +An expression of surprise and pain came over Psmith's face. + +'What!' he cried. 'You don't mean to say that there is any coolness +between my father and you? I am more grieved than I can say. Knowing, +as I do, what a genuine respect my father has for your great talents, I +can only think that there must have been some misunderstanding. Perhaps +if you would allow me to act as a mediator--' + +Mr Bickersdyke put down his paper and walked out of the room. + +Psmith found him a quarter of an hour later in the card-room. He sat +down beside his table, and began to observe the play with silent +interest. Mr Bickersdyke, never a great performer at the best of times, +was so unsettled by the scrutiny that in the deciding game of the +rubber he revoked, thereby presenting his opponents with the rubber by +a very handsome majority of points. Psmith clicked his tongue +sympathetically. + +Dignified reticence is not a leading characteristic of the +bridge-player's manner at the Senior Conservative Club on occasions +like this. Mr Bickersdyke's partner did not bear his calamity with +manly resignation. He gave tongue on the instant. 'What on earth's', +and 'Why on earth's' flowed from his mouth like molten lava. Mr +Bickersdyke sat and fermented in silence. Psmith clicked his tongue +sympathetically throughout. + +Mr Bickersdyke lost that control over himself which every member of a +club should possess. He turned on Psmith with a snort of frenzy. + +'How can I keep my attention fixed on the game when you sit staring at +me like a--like a--' + +'I am sorry,' said Psmith gravely, 'if my stare falls short in any way +of your ideal of what a stare should be; but I appeal to these +gentlemen. Could I have watched the game more quietly?' + +'Of course not,' said the bereaved partner warmly. 'Nobody could have +any earthly objection to your behaviour. It was absolute carelessness. +I should have thought that one might have expected one's partner at a +club like this to exercise elementary--' + +But Mr Bickersdyke had gone. He had melted silently away like the +driven snow. + +Psmith took his place at the table. + +'A somewhat nervous excitable man, Mr Bickersdyke, I should say,' he +observed. + +'A somewhat dashed, blanked idiot,' emended the bank-manager's late +partner. 'Thank goodness he lost as much as I did. That's some light +consolation.' + +Psmith arrived at the flat to find Mike still out. Mike had repaired to +the Gaiety earlier in the evening to refresh his mind after the labours +of the day. When he returned, Psmith was sitting in an armchair with +his feet on the mantelpiece, musing placidly on Life. + +'Well?' said Mike. + +'Well? And how was the Gaiety? Good show?' + +'Jolly good. What about Bickersdyke?' + +Psmith looked sad. + +'I cannot make Comrade Bickersdyke out,' he said. 'You would think that +a man would be glad to see the son of a personal friend. On the +contrary, I may be wronging Comrade B., but I should almost be inclined +to say that my presence in the Senior Conservative Club tonight +irritated him. There was no _bonhomie_ in his manner. He seemed to +me to be giving a spirited imitation of a man about to foam at the +mouth. I did my best to entertain him. I chatted. His only reply was to +leave the room. I followed him to the card-room, and watched his very +remarkable and brainy tactics at bridge, and he accused me of causing +him to revoke. A very curious personality, that of Comrade Bickersdyke. +But let us dismiss him from our minds. Rumours have reached me,' said +Psmith, 'that a very decent little supper may be obtained at a quaint, +old-world eating-house called the Savoy. Will you accompany me thither +on a tissue-restoring expedition? It would be rash not to probe these +rumours to their foundation, and ascertain their exact truth.' + + + + +10. Mr Bickersdyke Addresses His Constituents + + +It was noted by the observant at the bank next morning that Mr +Bickersdyke had something on his mind. William, the messenger, knew it, +when he found his respectful salute ignored. Little Briggs, the +accountant, knew it when his obsequious but cheerful 'Good morning' was +acknowledged only by a 'Morn'' which was almost an oath. Mr Bickersdyke +passed up the aisle and into his room like an east wind. He sat down at +his table and pressed the bell. Harold, William's brother and +co-messenger, entered with the air of one ready to duck if any missile +should be thrown at him. The reports of the manager's frame of mind had +been circulated in the office, and Harold felt somewhat apprehensive. +It was on an occasion very similar to this that George Barstead, +formerly in the employ of the New Asiatic Bank in the capacity of +messenger, had been rash enough to laugh at what he had taken for a +joke of Mr Bickersdyke's, and had been instantly presented with the +sack for gross impertinence. + +'Ask Mr Smith--' began the manager. Then he paused. 'No, never mind,' +he added. + +Harold remained in the doorway, puzzled. + +'Don't stand there gaping at me, man,' cried Mr Bickersdyke, 'Go away.' + +Harold retired and informed his brother, William, that in his, +Harold's, opinion, Mr Bickersdyke was off his chump. + +'Off his onion,' said William, soaring a trifle higher in poetic +imagery. + +'Barmy,' was the terse verdict of Samuel Jakes, the third messenger. +'Always said so.' And with that the New Asiatic Bank staff of +messengers dismissed Mr Bickersdyke and proceeded to concentrate +themselves on their duties, which consisted principally of hanging +about and discussing the prophecies of that modern seer, Captain Coe. + +What had made Mr Bickersdyke change his mind so abruptly was the sudden +realization of the fact that he had no case against Psmith. In his +capacity of manager of the bank he could not take official notice of +Psmith's behaviour outside office hours, especially as Psmith had done +nothing but stare at him. It would be impossible to make anybody +understand the true inwardness of Psmith's stare. Theoretically, Mr +Bickersdyke had the power to dismiss any subordinate of his whom he did +not consider satisfactory, but it was a power that had to be exercised +with discretion. The manager was accountable for his actions to the +Board of Directors. If he dismissed Psmith, Psmith would certainly +bring an action against the bank for wrongful dismissal, and on the +evidence he would infallibly win it. Mr Bickersdyke did not welcome the +prospect of having to explain to the Directors that he had let the +shareholders of the bank in for a fine of whatever a discriminating +jury cared to decide upon, simply because he had been stared at while +playing bridge. His only hope was to catch Psmith doing his work badly. + +He touched the bell again, and sent for Mr Rossiter. + +The messenger found the head of the Postage Department in conversation +with Psmith. Manchester United had been beaten by one goal to nil on +the previous afternoon, and Psmith was informing Mr Rossiter that the +referee was a robber, who had evidently been financially interested in +the result of the game. The way he himself looked at it, said Psmith, +was that the thing had been a moral victory for the United. Mr Rossiter +said yes, he thought so too. And it was at this moment that Mr +Bickersdyke sent for him to ask whether Psmith's work was satisfactory. + +The head of the Postage Department gave his opinion without hesitation. +Psmith's work was about the hottest proposition he had ever struck. +Psmith's work--well, it stood alone. You couldn't compare it with +anything. There are no degrees in perfection. Psmith's work was +perfect, and there was an end to it. + +He put it differently, but that was the gist of what he said. + +Mr Bickersdyke observed he was glad to hear it, and smashed a nib by +stabbing the desk with it. + +It was on the evening following this that the bank-manager was due to +address a meeting at the Kenningford Town Hall. + +He was looking forward to the event with mixed feelings. He had stood +for Parliament once before, several years back, in the North. He had +been defeated by a couple of thousand votes, and he hoped that the +episode had been forgotten. Not merely because his defeat had been +heavy. There was another reason. On that occasion he had stood as a +Liberal. He was standing for Kenningford as a Unionist. Of course, a +man is at perfect liberty to change his views, if he wishes to do so, +but the process is apt to give his opponents a chance of catching him +(to use the inspired language of the music-halls) on the bend. Mr +Bickersdyke was rather afraid that the light-hearted electors of +Kenningford might avail themselves of this chance. + +Kenningford, S.E., is undoubtedly by way of being a tough sort of +place. Its inhabitants incline to a robust type of humour, which finds +a verbal vent in catch phrases and expends itself physically in +smashing shop-windows and kicking policemen. He feared that the meeting +at the Town Hall might possibly be a trifle rowdy. + +All political meetings are very much alike. Somebody gets up and +introduces the speaker of the evening, and then the speaker of the +evening says at great length what he thinks of the scandalous manner in +which the Government is behaving or the iniquitous goings-on of the +Opposition. From time to time confederates in the audience rise and ask +carefully rehearsed questions, and are answered fully and +satisfactorily by the orator. When a genuine heckler interrupts, the +orator either ignores him, or says haughtily that he can find him +arguments but cannot find him brains. Or, occasionally, when the +question is an easy one, he answers it. A quietly conducted political +meeting is one of England's most delightful indoor games. When the +meeting is rowdy, the audience has more fun, but the speaker a good +deal less. + +Mr Bickersdyke's introducer was an elderly Scotch peer, an excellent +man for the purpose in every respect, except that he possessed a very +strong accent. + +The audience welcomed that accent uproariously. The electors of +Kenningford who really had any definite opinions on politics were +fairly equally divided. There were about as many earnest Liberals as +there were earnest Unionists. But besides these there was a strong +contingent who did not care which side won. These looked on elections +as Heaven-sent opportunities for making a great deal of noise. They +attended meetings in order to extract amusement from them; and they +voted, if they voted at all, quite irresponsibly. A funny story at the +expense of one candidate told on the morning of the polling, was quite +likely to send these brave fellows off in dozens filling in their +papers for the victim's opponent. + +There was a solid block of these gay spirits at the back of the hall. +They received the Scotch peer with huge delight. He reminded them of +Harry Lauder and they said so. They addressed him affectionately as +'Arry', throughout his speech, which was rather long. They implored him +to be a pal and sing 'The Saftest of the Family'. Or, failing that, 'I +love a lassie'. Finding they could not induce him to do this, they did +it themselves. They sang it several times. When the peer, having +finished his remarks on the subject of Mr Bickersdyke, at length sat +down, they cheered for seven minutes, and demanded an encore. + +The meeting was in excellent spirits when Mr Bickersdyke rose to +address it. + +The effort of doing justice to the last speaker had left the free and +independent electors at the back of the hall slightly limp. The +bank-manager's opening remarks were received without any demonstration. + +Mr Bickersdyke spoke well. He had a penetrating, if harsh, voice, and +he said what he had to say forcibly. Little by little the audience came +under his spell. When, at the end of a well-turned sentence, he paused +and took a sip of water, there was a round of applause, in which many +of the admirers of Mr Harry Lauder joined. + +He resumed his speech. The audience listened intently. Mr Bickersdyke, +having said some nasty things about Free Trade and the Alien Immigrant, +turned to the Needs of the Navy and the necessity of increasing the +fleet at all costs. + +'This is no time for half-measures,' he said. 'We must do our utmost. +We must burn our boats--' + +'Excuse me,' said a gentle voice. + +Mr Bickersdyke broke off. In the centre of the hall a tall figure had +risen. Mr Bickersdyke found himself looking at a gleaming eye-glass +which the speaker had just polished and inserted in his eye. + +The ordinary heckler Mr Bickersdyke would have taken in his stride. He +had got his audience, and simply by continuing and ignoring the +interruption, he could have won through in safety. But the sudden +appearance of Psmith unnerved him. He remained silent. + +'How,' asked Psmith, 'do you propose to strengthen the Navy by burning +boats?' + +The inanity of the question enraged even the pleasure-seekers at the +back. + +'Order! Order!' cried the earnest contingent. + +'Sit down, fice!' roared the pleasure-seekers. + +Psmith sat down with a patient smile. + +Mr Bickersdyke resumed his speech. But the fire had gone out of it. He +had lost his audience. A moment before, he had grasped them and played +on their minds (or what passed for minds down Kenningford way) as on a +stringed instrument. Now he had lost his hold. + +He spoke on rapidly, but he could not get into his stride. The trivial +interruption had broken the spell. His words lacked grip. The dead +silence in which the first part of his speech had been received, that +silence which is a greater tribute to the speaker than any applause, +had given place to a restless medley of little noises; here a cough; +there a scraping of a boot along the floor, as its wearer moved +uneasily in his seat; in another place a whispered conversation. The +audience was bored. + +Mr Bickersdyke left the Navy, and went on to more general topics. But +he was not interesting. He quoted figures, saw a moment later that he +had not quoted them accurately, and instead of carrying on boldly, went +back and corrected himself. + +'Gow up top!' said a voice at the back of the hall, and there was a +general laugh. + +Mr Bickersdyke galloped unsteadily on. He condemned the Government. He +said they had betrayed their trust. + +And then he told an anecdote. + +'The Government, gentlemen,' he said, 'achieves nothing worth +achieving, and every individual member of the Government takes all the +credit for what is done to himself. Their methods remind me, gentlemen, +of an amusing experience I had while fishing one summer in the Lake +District.' + +In a volume entitled 'Three Men in a Boat' there is a story of how the +author and a friend go into a riverside inn and see a very large trout +in a glass case. They make inquiries about it, have men assure them, +one by one, that the trout was caught by themselves. In the end the +trout turns out to be made of plaster of Paris. + +Mr Bickersdyke told that story as an experience of his own while +fishing one summer in the Lake District. + +It went well. The meeting was amused. Mr Bickersdyke went on to draw a +trenchant comparison between the lack of genuine merit in the trout and +the lack of genuine merit in the achievements of His Majesty's +Government. + +There was applause. + +When it had ceased, Psmith rose to his feet again. + +'Excuse me,' he said. + + + + +11. Misunderstood + + +Mike had refused to accompany Psmith to the meeting that evening, +saying that he got too many chances in the ordinary way of business of +hearing Mr Bickersdyke speak, without going out of his way to make +more. So Psmith had gone off to Kenningford alone, and Mike, feeling +too lazy to sally out to any place of entertainment, had remained at +the flat with a novel. + +He was deep in this, when there was the sound of a key in the latch, +and shortly afterwards Psmith entered the room. On Psmith's brow there +was a look of pensive care, and also a slight discoloration. When he +removed his overcoat, Mike saw that his collar was burst and hanging +loose and that he had no tie. On his erstwhile speckless and gleaming +shirt front were number of finger-impressions, of a boldness and +clearness of outline which would have made a Bertillon expert leap with +joy. + +'Hullo!' said Mike dropping his book. + +Psmith nodded in silence, went to his bedroom, and returned with a +looking-glass. Propping this up on a table, he proceeded to examine +himself with the utmost care. He shuddered slightly as his eye fell on +the finger-marks; and without a word he went into his bathroom again. +He emerged after an interval of ten minutes in sky-blue pyjamas, +slippers, and an Old Etonian blazer. He lit a cigarette; and, sitting +down, stared pensively into the fire. + +'What the dickens have you been playing at?' demanded Mike. + +Psmith heaved a sigh. + +'That,' he replied, 'I could not say precisely. At one moment it seemed +to be Rugby football, at another a jiu-jitsu _seance_. Later, it +bore a resemblance to a pantomime rally. However, whatever it was, it +was all very bright and interesting. A distinct experience.' + +'Have you been scrapping?' asked Mike. 'What happened? Was there a +row?' + +'There was,' said Psmith, 'in a measure what might be described as a +row. At least, when you find a perfect stranger attaching himself to +your collar and pulling, you begin to suspect that something of that +kind is on the bill.' + +'Did they do that?' + +Psmith nodded. + +'A merchant in a moth-eaten bowler started warbling to a certain extent +with me. It was all very trying for a man of culture. He was a man who +had, I should say, discovered that alcohol was a food long before the +doctors found it out. A good chap, possibly, but a little boisterous in +his manner. Well, well.' + +Psmith shook his head sadly. + +'He got you one on the forehead,' said Mike, 'or somebody did. Tell us +what happened. I wish the dickens I'd come with you. I'd no notion +there would be a rag of any sort. What did happen?' + +'Comrade Jackson,' said Psmith sorrowfully, 'how sad it is in this life +of ours to be consistently misunderstood. You know, of course, how +wrapped up I am in Comrade Bickersdyke's welfare. You know that all my +efforts are directed towards making a decent man of him; that, in +short, I am his truest friend. Does he show by so much as a word that +he appreciates my labours? Not he. I believe that man is beginning to +dislike me, Comrade Jackson.' + +'What happened, anyhow? Never mind about Bickersdyke.' + +'Perhaps it was mistaken zeal on my part.... Well, I will tell you all. +Make a long arm for the shovel, Comrade Jackson, and pile on a few more +coals. I thank you. Well, all went quite smoothly for a while. Comrade +B. in quite good form. Got his second wind, and was going strong for the +tape, when a regrettable incident occurred. He informed the meeting, +that while up in the Lake country, fishing, he went to an inn and saw +a remarkably large stuffed trout in a glass case. He made inquiries, +and found that five separate and distinct people had caught--' + +'Why, dash it all,' said Mike, 'that's a frightful chestnut.' + +Psmith nodded. + +'It certainly has appeared in print,' he said. 'In fact I should have +said it was rather a well-known story. I was so interested in Comrade +Bickersdyke's statement that the thing had happened to himself that, +purely out of good-will towards him, I got up and told him that I +thought it was my duty, as a friend, to let him know that a man named +Jerome had pinched his story, put it in a book, and got money by it. +Money, mark you, that should by rights have been Comrade Bickersdyke's. +He didn't appear to care much about sifting the matter thoroughly. In +fact, he seemed anxious to get on with his speech, and slur the matter +over. But, tactlessly perhaps, I continued rather to harp on the thing. +I said that the book in which the story had appeared was published in +1889. I asked him how long ago it was that he had been on his fishing +tour, because it was important to know in order to bring the charge +home against Jerome. Well, after a bit, I was amazed, and pained, too, +to hear Comrade Bickersdyke urging certain bravoes in the audience to +turn me out. If ever there was a case of biting the hand that fed +him.... Well, well.... By this time the meeting had begun to take sides +to some extent. What I might call my party, the Earnest Investigators, +were whistling between their fingers, stamping on the floor, and +shouting, "Chestnuts!" while the opposing party, the bravoes, seemed to +be trying, as I say, to do jiu-jitsu tricks with me. It was a painful +situation. I know the cultivated man of affairs should have passed the +thing off with a short, careless laugh; but, owing to the +above-mentioned alcohol-expert having got both hands under my collar, +short, careless laughs were off. I was compelled, very reluctantly, to +conclude the interview by tapping the bright boy on the jaw. He took +the hint, and sat down on the floor. I thought no more of the matter, +and was making my way thoughtfully to the exit, when a second man of +wrath put the above on my forehead. You can't ignore a thing like that. +I collected some of his waistcoat and one of his legs, and hove him +with some vim into the middle distance. By this time a good many of the +Earnest Investigators were beginning to join in; and it was just there +that the affair began to have certain points of resemblance to a +pantomime rally. Everybody seemed to be shouting a good deal and +hitting everybody else. It was no place for a man of delicate culture, +so I edged towards the door, and drifted out. There was a cab in the +offing. I boarded it. And, having kicked a vigorous politician in the +stomach, as he was endeavouring to climb in too, I drove off home.' + +Psmith got up, looked at his forehead once more in the glass, sighed, +and sat down again. + +'All very disturbing,' he said. + +'Great Scott,' said Mike, 'I wish I'd come. Why on earth didn't you +tell me you were going to rag? I think you might as well have done. I +wouldn't have missed it for worlds.' + +Psmith regarded him with raised eyebrows. + +'Rag!' he said. 'Comrade Jackson, I do not understand you. You surely +do not think that I had any other object in doing what I did than to +serve Comrade Bickersdyke? It's terrible how one's motives get +distorted in this world of ours.' + +'Well,' said Mike, with a grin, 'I know one person who'll jolly well +distort your motives, as you call it, and that's Bickersdyke.' + +Psmith looked thoughtful. + +'True,' he said, 'true. There is that possibility. I tell you, Comrade +Jackson, once more that my bright young life is being slowly blighted +by the frightful way in which that man misunderstands me. It seems +almost impossible to try to do him a good turn without having the +action misconstrued.' + +'What'll you say to him tomorrow?' + +'I shall make no allusion to the painful affair. If I happen to meet +him in the ordinary course of business routine, I shall pass some +light, pleasant remark--on the weather, let us say, or the Bank +rate--and continue my duties.' + +'How about if he sends for you, and wants to do the light, pleasant +remark business on his own?' + +'In that case I shall not thwart him. If he invites me into his private +room, I shall be his guest, and shall discuss, to the best of my +ability, any topic which he may care to introduce. There shall be no +constraint between Comrade Bickersdyke and myself.' + +'No, I shouldn't think there would be. I wish I could come and hear +you.' + +'I wish you could,' said Psmith courteously. + +'Still, it doesn't matter much to you. You don't care if you do get +sacked.' + +Psmith rose. + +'In that way possibly, as you say, I am agreeably situated. If the New +Asiatic Bank does not require Psmith's services, there are other +spheres where a young man of spirit may carve a place for himself. No, +what is worrying me, Comrade Jackson, is not the thought of the push. +It is the growing fear that Comrade Bickersdyke and I will never +thoroughly understand and appreciate one another. A deep gulf lies +between us. I do what I can do to bridge it over, but he makes no +response. On his side of the gulf building operations appear to be at +an entire standstill. That is what is carving these lines of care on my +forehead, Comrade Jackson. That is what is painting these purple +circles beneath my eyes. Quite inadvertently to be disturbing Comrade +Bickersdyke, annoying him, preventing him from enjoying life. How sad +this is. Life bulges with these tragedies.' + +Mike picked up the evening paper. + +'Don't let it keep you awake at night,' he said. 'By the way, did you +see that Manchester United were playing this afternoon? They won. You'd +better sit down and sweat up some of the details. You'll want them +tomorrow.' + +'You are very right, Comrade Jackson,' said Psmith, reseating himself. +'So the Mancunians pushed the bulb into the meshes beyond the uprights +no fewer than four times, did they? Bless the dear boys, what spirits +they do enjoy, to be sure. Comrade Jackson, do not disturb me. I must +concentrate myself. These are deep waters.' + + + + +12. In a Nutshell + + +Mr Bickersdyke sat in his private room at the New Asiatic Bank with a +pile of newspapers before him. At least, the casual observer would have +said that it was Mr Bickersdyke. In reality, however, it was an active +volcano in the shape and clothes of the bank-manager. It was freely +admitted in the office that morning that the manager had lowered all +records with ease. The staff had known him to be in a bad temper +before--frequently; but his frame of mind on all previous occasions had +been, compared with his present frame of mind, that of a rather +exceptionally good-natured lamb. Within ten minutes of his arrival the +entire office was on the jump. The messengers were collected in a +pallid group in the basement, discussing the affair in whispers and +endeavouring to restore their nerve with about sixpenn'orth of the +beverage known as 'unsweetened'. The heads of departments, to a man, +had bowed before the storm. Within the space of seven minutes and a +quarter Mr Bickersdyke had contrived to find some fault with each of +them. Inward Bills was out at an A.B.C. shop snatching a hasty cup of +coffee, to pull him together again. Outward Bills was sitting at his +desk with the glazed stare of one who has been struck in the thorax by +a thunderbolt. Mr Rossiter had been torn from Psmith in the middle of a +highly technical discussion of the Manchester United match, just as he +was showing--with the aid of a ball of paper--how he had once seen +Meredith centre to Sandy Turnbull in a Cup match, and was now leaping +about like a distracted grasshopper. Mr Waller, head of the Cash +Department, had been summoned to the Presence, and after listening +meekly to a rush of criticism, had retired to his desk with the air of +a beaten spaniel. + +Only one man of the many in the building seemed calm and happy--Psmith. + +Psmith had resumed the chat about Manchester United, on Mr Rossiter's +return from the lion's den, at the spot where it had been broken off; +but, finding that the head of the Postage Department was in no mood for +discussing football (or any thing else), he had postponed his remarks +and placidly resumed his work. + +Mr Bickersdyke picked up a paper, opened it, and began searching the +columns. He had not far to look. It was a slack season for the +newspapers, and his little trouble, which might have received a +paragraph in a busy week, was set forth fully in three-quarters of a +column. + +The column was headed, 'Amusing Heckling'. + +Mr Bickersdyke read a few lines, and crumpled the paper up with a +snort. + +The next he examined was an organ of his own shade of political +opinion. It too, gave him nearly a column, headed 'Disgraceful Scene at +Kenningford'. There was also a leaderette on the subject. + +The leaderette said so exactly what Mr Bickersdyke thought himself that +for a moment he was soothed. Then the thought of his grievance +returned, and he pressed the bell. + +'Send Mr Smith to me,' he said. + +William, the messenger, proceeded to inform Psmith of the summons. + +Psmith's face lit up. + +'I am always glad to sweeten the monotony of toil with a chat with +Little Clarence,' he said. 'I shall be with him in a moment.' + +He cleaned his pen very carefully, placed it beside his ledger, flicked +a little dust off his coatsleeve, and made his way to the manager's +room. + +Mr Bickersdyke received him with the ominous restraint of a tiger +crouching for its spring. Psmith stood beside the table with languid +grace, suggestive of some favoured confidential secretary waiting for +instructions. + +A ponderous silence brooded over the room for some moments. Psmith +broke it by remarking that the Bank Rate was unchanged. He mentioned +this fact as if it afforded him a personal gratification. + +Mr Bickersdyke spoke. + +'Well, Mr Smith?' he said. + +'You wished to see me about something, sir?' inquired Psmith, +ingratiatingly. + +'You know perfectly well what I wished to see you about. I want to hear +your explanation of what occurred last night.' + +'May I sit, sir?' + +He dropped gracefully into a chair, without waiting for permission, +and, having hitched up the knees of his trousers, beamed winningly at +the manager. + +'A deplorable affair,' he said, with a shake of his head. 'Extremely +deplorable. We must not judge these rough, uneducated men too harshly, +however. In a time of excitement the emotions of the lower classes are +easily stirred. Where you or I would--' + +Mr Bickersdyke interrupted. + +'I do not wish for any more buffoonery, Mr Smith--' + +Psmith raised a pained pair of eyebrows. + +'Buffoonery, sir!' + +'I cannot understand what made you act as you did last night, unless +you are perfectly mad, as I am beginning to think.' + +'But, surely, sir, there was nothing remarkable in my behaviour? When a +merchant has attached himself to your collar, can you do less than +smite him on the other cheek? I merely acted in self-defence. You saw +for yourself--' + +'You know what I am alluding to. Your behaviour during my speech.' + +'An excellent speech,' murmured Psmith courteously. + +'Well?' said Mr Bickersdyke. + +'It was, perhaps, mistaken zeal on my part, sir, but you must remember +that I acted purely from the best motives. It seemed to me--' + +'That is enough, Mr Smith. I confess that I am absolutely at a loss to +understand you--' + +'It is too true, sir,' sighed Psmith. + +'You seem,' continued Mr Bickersdyke, warming to his subject, and +turning gradually a richer shade of purple, 'you seem to be determined +to endeavour to annoy me.' ('No no,' from Psmith.) 'I can only assume +that you are not in your right senses. You follow me about in my club--' + +'Our club, sir,' murmured Psmith. + +'Be good enough not to interrupt me, Mr Smith. You dog my footsteps in +my club--' + +'Purely accidental, sir. We happen to meet--that is all.' + +'You attend meetings at which I am speaking, and behave in a perfectly +imbecile manner.' + +Psmith moaned slightly. + +'It may seem humorous to you, but I can assure you it is extremely bad +policy on your part. The New Asiatic Bank is no place for humour, and I +think--' + +'Excuse me, sir,' said Psmith. + +The manager started at the familiar phrase. The plum-colour of his +complexion deepened. + +'I entirely agree with you, sir,' said Psmith, 'that this bank is no +place for humour.' + +'Very well, then. You--' + +'And I am never humorous in it. I arrive punctually in the morning, +and I work steadily and earnestly till my labours are completed. I +think you will find, on inquiry, that Mr Rossiter is satisfied with my +work.' + +'That is neither here nor--' + +'Surely, sir,' said Psmith, 'you are wrong? Surely your jurisdiction +ceases after office hours? Any little misunderstanding we may have at +the close of the day's work cannot affect you officially. You could +not, for instance, dismiss me from the service of the bank if we were +partners at bridge at the club and I happened to revoke.' + +'I can dismiss you, let me tell you, Mr Smith, for studied insolence, +whether in the office or not.' + +'I bow to superior knowledge,' said Psmith politely, 'but I confess I +doubt it. And,' he added, 'there is another point. May I continue to +some extent?' + +'If you have anything to say, say it.' + +Psmith flung one leg over the other, and settled his collar. + +'It is perhaps a delicate matter,' he said, 'but it is best to be +frank. We should have no secrets. To put my point quite clearly, I must +go back a little, to the time when you paid us that very welcome +week-end visit at our house in August.' + +'If you hope to make capital out of the fact that I have been a guest +of your father--' + +'Not at all,' said Psmith deprecatingly. 'Not at all. You do not take +me. My point is this. I do not wish to revive painful memories, but it +cannot be denied that there was, here and there, some slight bickering +between us on that occasion. The fault,' said Psmith magnanimously, +'was possibly mine. I may have been too exacting, too capricious. +Perhaps so. However, the fact remains that you conceived the happy +notion of getting me into this bank, under the impression that, once I +was in, you would be able to--if I may use the expression--give me +beans. You said as much to me, if I remember. I hate to say it, but +don't you think that if you give me the sack, although my work is +satisfactory to the head of my department, you will be by way of +admitting that you bit off rather more than you could chew? I merely +make the suggestion.' + +Mr Bickersdyke half rose from his chair. + +'You--' + +'Just so, just so, but--to return to the main point--don't you? The +whole painful affair reminds me of the story of Agesilaus and the +Petulant Pterodactyl, which as you have never heard, I will now proceed +to relate. Agesilaus--' + +Mr Bickersdyke made a curious clucking noise in his throat. + +'I am boring you,' said Psmith, with ready tact. 'Suffice it to say +that Comrade Agesilaus interfered with the pterodactyl, which was doing +him no harm; and the intelligent creature, whose motto was "Nemo me +impune lacessit", turned and bit him. Bit him good and hard, so that +Agesilaus ever afterwards had a distaste for pterodactyls. His +reluctance to disturb them became quite a byword. The Society papers of +the period frequently commented upon it. Let us draw the parallel.' + +Here Mr Bickersdyke, who had been clucking throughout this speech, +essayed to speak; but Psmith hurried on. + +'You are Agesilaus,' he said. 'I am the Petulant Pterodactyl. You, if I +may say so, butted in of your own free will, and took me from a happy +home, simply in order that you might get me into this place under you, +and give me beans. But, curiously enough, the major portion of that +vegetable seems to be coming to you. Of course, you can administer the +push if you like; but, as I say, it will be by way of a confession that +your scheme has sprung a leak. Personally,' said Psmith, as one friend +to another, 'I should advise you to stick it out. You never know what +may happen. At any moment I may fall from my present high standard of +industry and excellence; and then you have me, so to speak, where the +hair is crisp.' + +He paused. Mr Bickersdyke's eyes, which even in their normal state +protruded slightly, now looked as if they might fall out at any moment. +His face had passed from the plum-coloured stage to something beyond. +Every now and then he made the clucking noise, but except for that he +was silent. Psmith, having waited for some time for something in the +shape of comment or criticism on his remarks, now rose. + +'It has been a great treat to me, this little chat,' he said affably, +'but I fear that I must no longer allow purely social enjoyments to +interfere with my commercial pursuits. With your permission, I will +rejoin my department, where my absence is doubtless already causing +comment and possibly dismay. But we shall be meeting at the club +shortly, I hope. Good-bye, sir, good-bye.' + +He left the room, and walked dreamily back to the Postage Department, +leaving the manager still staring glassily at nothing. + + + + +13. Mike is Moved On + + +This episode may be said to have concluded the first act of the +commercial drama in which Mike and Psmith had been cast for leading +parts. And, as usually happens after the end of an act, there was a +lull for a while until things began to work up towards another climax. +Mike, as day succeeded day, began to grow accustomed to the life of the +bank, and to find that it had its pleasant side after all. Whenever a +number of people are working at the same thing, even though that thing +is not perhaps what they would have chosen as an object in life, if +left to themselves, there is bound to exist an atmosphere of +good-fellowship; something akin to, though a hundred times weaker +than, the public school spirit. Such a community lacks the main motive +of the public school spirit, which is pride in the school and its +achievements. Nobody can be proud of the achievements of a bank. When +the business of arranging a new Japanese loan was given to the New +Asiatic Bank, its employees did not stand on stools, and cheer. On the +contrary, they thought of the extra work it would involve; and they +cursed a good deal, though there was no denying that it was a big thing +for the bank--not unlike winning the Ashburton would be to a school. +There is a cold impersonality about a bank. A school is a living thing. + +Setting aside this important difference, there was a good deal of the +public school about the New Asiatic Bank. The heads of departments were +not quite so autocratic as masters, and one was treated more on a +grown-up scale, as man to man; but, nevertheless, there remained a +distinct flavour of a school republic. Most of the men in the bank, +with the exception of certain hard-headed Scotch youths drafted in from +other establishments in the City, were old public school men. Mike +found two Old Wrykinians in the first week. Neither was well known to +him. They had left in his second year in the team. But it was pleasant +to have them about, and to feel that they had been educated at the +right place. + +As far as Mike's personal comfort went, the presence of these two +Wrykinians was very much for the good. Both of them knew all about his +cricket, and they spread the news. The New Asiatic Bank, like most +London banks, was keen on sport, and happened to possess a cricket team +which could make a good game with most of the second-rank clubs. The +disappearance to the East of two of the best bats of the previous +season caused Mike's advent to be hailed with a good deal of +enthusiasm. Mike was a county man. He had only played once for his +county, it was true, but that did not matter. He had passed the barrier +which separates the second-class bat from the first-class, and the bank +welcomed him with awe. County men did not come their way every day. + +Mike did not like being in the bank, considered in the light of a +career. But he bore no grudge against the inmates of the bank, such as +he had borne against the inmates of Sedleigh. He had looked on the +latter as bound up with the school, and, consequently, enemies. His +fellow workers in the bank he regarded as companions in misfortune. +They were all in the same boat together. There were men from Tonbridge, +Dulwich, Bedford, St Paul's, and a dozen other schools. One or two of +them he knew by repute from the pages of Wisden. Bannister, his +cheerful predecessor in the Postage Department, was the Bannister, he +recollected now, who had played for Geddington against Wrykyn in his +second year in the Wrykyn team. Munroe, the big man in the Fixed +Deposits, he remembered as leader of the Ripton pack. Every day brought +fresh discoveries of this sort, and each made Mike more reconciled to +his lot. They were a pleasant set of fellows in the New Asiatic Bank, +and but for the dreary outlook which the future held--for Mike, unlike +most of his follow workers, was not attracted by the idea of a life in +the East--he would have been very fairly content. + +The hostility of Mr Bickersdyke was a slight drawback. Psmith had +developed a habit of taking Mike with him to the club of an evening; +and this did not do anything towards wiping out of the manager's mind +the recollection of his former passage of arms with the Old Wrykinian. +The glass remaining Set Fair as far as Mr Rossiter's approval was +concerned, Mike was enabled to keep off the managerial carpet to a +great extent; but twice, when he posted letters without going through +the preliminary formality of stamping them, Mr Bickersdyke had +opportunities of which he availed himself. But for these incidents life +was fairly enjoyable. Owing to Psmith's benevolent efforts, the Postage +Department became quite a happy family, and ex-occupants of the postage +desk, Bannister especially, were amazed at the change that had come +over Mr Rossiter. He no longer darted from his lair like a pouncing +panther. To report his subordinates to the manager seemed now to be a +lost art with him. The sight of Psmith and Mr Rossiter proceeding high +and disposedly to a mutual lunch became quite common, and ceased to +excite remark. + +'By kindness,' said Psmith to Mike, after one of these expeditions. 'By +tact and kindness. That is how it is done. I do not despair of training +Comrade Rossiter one of these days to jump through paper hoops.' + +So that, altogether, Mike's life in the bank had become very fairly +pleasant. + +Out of office-hours he enjoyed himself hugely. London was strange to +him, and with Psmith as a companion, he extracted a vast deal of +entertainment from it. Psmith was not unacquainted with the West End, +and he proved an excellent guide. At first Mike expostulated with +unfailing regularity at the other's habit of paying for everything, but +Psmith waved aside all objections with languid firmness. + +'I need you, Comrade Jackson,' he said, when Mike lodged a protest on +finding himself bound for the stalls for the second night in +succession. 'We must stick together. As my confidential secretary and +adviser, your place is by my side. Who knows but that between the acts +tonight I may not be seized with some luminous thought? Could I utter +this to my next-door neighbour or the programme-girl? Stand by me, +Comrade Jackson, or we are undone.' + +So Mike stood by him. + +By this time Mike had grown so used to his work that he could tell to +within five minutes when a rush would come; and he was able to spend a +good deal of his time reading a surreptitious novel behind a pile of +ledgers, or down in the tea-room. The New Asiatic Bank supplied tea to +its employees. In quality it was bad, and the bread-and-butter +associated with it was worse. But it had the merit of giving one an +excuse for being away from one's desk. There were large printed notices +all over the tea-room, which was in the basement, informing gentlemen +that they were only allowed ten minutes for tea, but one took just as +long as one thought the head of one's department would stand, from +twenty-five minutes to an hour and a quarter. + +This state of things was too good to last. Towards the beginning of the +New Year a new man arrived, and Mike was moved on to another +department. + + + + +14. Mr Waller Appears in a New Light + + +The department into which Mike was sent was the Cash, or, to be more +exact, that section of it which was known as Paying Cashier. The +important task of shooting doubloons across the counter did not belong +to Mike himself, but to Mr Waller. Mike's work was less ostentatious, +and was performed with pen, ink, and ledgers in the background. +Occasionally, when Mr Waller was out at lunch, Mike had to act as +substitute for him, and cash cheques; but Mr Waller always went out at +a slack time, when few customers came in, and Mike seldom had any very +startling sum to hand over. + +He enjoyed being in the Cash Department. He liked Mr Waller. The work +was easy; and when he did happen to make mistakes, they were corrected +patiently by the grey-bearded one, and not used as levers for boosting +him into the presence of Mr Bickersdyke, as they might have been in +some departments. The cashier seemed to have taken a fancy to Mike; and +Mike, as was usually the way with him when people went out of their way +to be friendly, was at his best. Mike at his ease and unsuspicious of +hostile intentions was a different person from Mike with his prickles +out. + +Psmith, meanwhile, was not enjoying himself. It was an unheard-of +thing, he said, depriving a man of his confidential secretary without +so much as asking his leave. + +'It has caused me the greatest inconvenience,' he told Mike, drifting +round in a melancholy way to the Cash Department during a slack spell +one afternoon. 'I miss you at every turn. Your keen intelligence and +ready sympathy were invaluable to me. Now where am I? In the cart. I +evolved a slightly bright thought on life just now. There was nobody to +tell it to except the new man. I told it him, and the fool gaped. I +tell you, Comrade Jackson, I feel like some lion that has been robbed +of its cub. I feel as Marshall would feel if they took Snelgrove away +from him, or as Peace might if he awoke one morning to find Plenty +gone. Comrade Rossiter does his best. We still talk brokenly about +Manchester United--they got routed in the first round of the Cup +yesterday and Comrade Rossiter is wearing black--but it is not the +same. I try work, but that is no good either. From ledger to ledger +they hurry me, to stifle my regret. And when they win a smile from me, +they think that I forget. But I don't. I am a broken man. That new +exhibit they've got in your place is about as near to the Extreme Edge +as anything I've ever seen. One of Nature's blighters. Well, well, I +must away. Comrade Rossiter awaits me.' + +Mike's successor, a youth of the name of Bristow, was causing Psmith a +great deal of pensive melancholy. His worst defect--which he could not +help--was that he was not Mike. His others--which he could--were +numerous. His clothes were cut in a way that harrowed Psmith's sensitive +soul every time he looked at them. The fact that he wore detachable +cuffs, which he took off on beginning work and stacked in a glistening +pile on the desk in front of him, was no proof of innate viciousness of +disposition, but it prejudiced the Old Etonian against him. It was part +of Psmith's philosophy that a man who wore detachable cuffs had passed +beyond the limit of human toleration. In addition, Bristow wore a small +black moustache and a ring and that, as Psmith informed Mike, put the +lid on it. + +Mike would sometimes stroll round to the Postage Department to listen +to the conversations between the two. Bristow was always friendliness +itself. He habitually addressed Psmith as Smithy, a fact which +entertained Mike greatly but did not seem to amuse Psmith to any +overwhelming extent. On the other hand, when, as he generally did, he +called Mike 'Mister Cricketer', the humour of the thing appeared to +elude Mike, though the mode of address always drew from Psmith a pale, +wan smile, as of a broken heart made cheerful against its own +inclination. + +The net result of the coming of Bristow was that Psmith spent most of +his time, when not actually oppressed by a rush of work, in the +precincts of the Cash Department, talking to Mike and Mr Waller. The +latter did not seem to share the dislike common among the other heads +of departments of seeing his subordinates receiving visitors. Unless +the work was really heavy, in which case a mild remonstrance escaped +him, he offered no objection to Mike being at home to Psmith. It was +this tolerance which sometimes got him into trouble with Mr +Bickersdyke. The manager did not often perambulate the office, but he +did occasionally, and the interview which ensued upon his finding +Hutchinson, the underling in the Cash Department at that time, with his +stool tilted comfortably against the wall, reading the sporting news +from a pink paper to a friend from the Outward Bills Department who lay +luxuriously on the floor beside him, did not rank among Mr Waller's +pleasantest memories. But Mr Waller was too soft-hearted to interfere +with his assistants unless it was absolutely necessary. The truth of +the matter was that the New Asiatic Bank was over-staffed. There were +too many men for the work. The London branch of the bank was really +only a nursery. New men were constantly wanted in the Eastern branches, +so they had to be put into the London branch to learn the business, +whether there was any work for them to do or not. + +It was after one of these visits of Psmith's that Mr Waller displayed a +new and unsuspected side to his character. Psmith had come round in a +state of some depression to discuss Bristow, as usual. Bristow, it +seemed, had come to the bank that morning in a fancy waistcoat of so +emphatic a colour-scheme that Psmith stoutly refused to sit in the same +department with it. + +'What with Comrades Bristow and Bickersdyke combined,' said Psmith +plaintively, 'the work is becoming too hard for me. The whisper is +beginning to circulate, "Psmith's number is up--As a reformer he is +merely among those present. He is losing his dash." But what can I do? +I cannot keep an eye on both of them at the same time. The moment I +concentrate myself on Comrade Bickersdyke for a brief spell, and seem +to be doing him a bit of good, what happens? Why, Comrade Bristow +sneaks off and buys a sort of woollen sunset. I saw the thing +unexpectedly. I tell you I was shaken. It is the suddenness of that +waistcoat which hits you. It's discouraging, this sort of thing. I try +always to think well of my fellow man. As an energetic Socialist, I do +my best to see the good that is in him, but it's hard. Comrade +Bristow's the most striking argument against the equality of man I've +ever come across.' + +Mr Waller intervened at this point. + +'I think you must really let Jackson go on with his work, Smith,' he +said. 'There seems to be too much talking.' + +'My besetting sin,' said Psmith sadly. 'Well, well, I will go back and +do my best to face it, but it's a tough job.' + +He tottered wearily away in the direction of the Postage Department. + +'Oh, Jackson,' said Mr Waller, 'will you kindly take my place for a few +minutes? I must go round and see the Inward Bills about something. I +shall be back very soon.' + +Mike was becoming accustomed to deputizing for the cashier for short +spaces of time. It generally happened that he had to do so once or +twice a day. Strictly speaking, perhaps, Mr Waller was wrong to leave +such an important task as the actual cashing of cheques to an +inexperienced person of Mike's standing; but the New Asiatic Bank +differed from most banks in that there was not a great deal of +cross-counter work. People came in fairly frequently to cash cheques +of two or three pounds, but it was rare that any very large dealings +took place. + +Having completed his business with the Inward Bills, Mr Waller made his +way back by a circuitous route, taking in the Postage desk. + +He found Psmith with a pale, set face, inscribing figures in a ledger. +The Old Etonian greeted him with the faint smile of a persecuted saint +who is determined to be cheerful even at the stake. + +'Comrade Bristow,' he said. + +'Hullo, Smithy?' said the other, turning. + +Psmith sadly directed Mr Waller's attention to the waistcoat, which was +certainly definite in its colouring. + +'Nothing,' said Psmith. 'I only wanted to look at you.' + +'Funny ass,' said Bristow, resuming his work. Psmith glanced at Mr +Waller, as who should say, 'See what I have to put up with. And yet I +do not give way.' + +'Oh--er--Smith,' said Mr Waller, 'when you were talking to Jackson just +now--' + +'Say no more,' said Psmith. 'It shall not occur again. Why should I +dislocate the work of your department in my efforts to win a +sympathetic word? I will bear Comrade Bristow like a man here. After +all, there are worse things at the Zoo.' + +'No, no,' said Mr Waller hastily, 'I did not mean that. By all means +pay us a visit now and then, if it does not interfere with your own +work. But I noticed just now that you spoke to Bristow as Comrade +Bristow.' + +'It is too true,' said Psmith. 'I must correct myself of the habit. He +will be getting above himself.' + +'And when you were speaking to Jackson, you spoke of yourself as a +Socialist.' + +'Socialism is the passion of my life,' said Psmith. + +Mr Waller's face grew animated. He stammered in his eagerness. + +'I am delighted,' he said. 'Really, I am delighted. I also--' + +'A fellow worker in the Cause?' said Psmith. + +'Er--exactly.' + +Psmith extended his hand gravely. Mr Waller shook it with enthusiasm. + +'I have never liked to speak of it to anybody in the office,' said Mr +Waller, 'but I, too, am heart and soul in the movement.' + +'Yours for the Revolution?' said Psmith. + +'Just so. Just so. Exactly. I was wondering--the fact is, I am in the +habit of speaking on Sundays in the open air, and--' + +'Hyde Park?' + +'No. No. Clapham Common. It is--er--handier for me where I live. Now, +as you are interested in the movement, I was thinking that perhaps you +might care to come and hear me speak next Sunday. Of course, if you +have nothing better to do.' + +'I should like to excessively,' said Psmith. + +'Excellent. Bring Jackson with you, and both of you come to supper +afterwards, if you will.' + +'Thanks very much.' + +'Perhaps you would speak yourself?' + +'No,' said Psmith. 'No. I think not. My Socialism is rather of the +practical sort. I seldom speak. But it would be a treat to listen to +you. What--er--what type of oratory is yours?' + +'Oh, well,' said Mr Waller, pulling nervously at his beard, 'of course +I--. Well, I am perhaps a little bitter--' + +'Yes, yes.' + +'A little mordant and ironical.' + +'You would be,' agreed Psmith. 'I shall look forward to Sunday with +every fibre quivering. And Comrade Jackson shall be at my side.' + +'Excellent,' said Mr Waller. 'I will go and tell him now.' + + + + +15. Stirring Times on the Common + + +'The first thing to do,' said Psmith, 'is to ascertain that such a +place as Clapham Common really exists. One has heard of it, of course, +but has its existence ever been proved? I think not. Having +accomplished that, we must then try to find out how to get to it. I +should say at a venture that it would necessitate a sea-voyage. On the +other hand, Comrade Waller, who is a native of the spot, seems to find +no difficulty in rolling to the office every morning. Therefore--you +follow me, Jackson?--it must be in England. In that case, we will take +a taximeter cab, and go out into the unknown, hand in hand, trusting to +luck.' + +'I expect you could get there by tram,' said Mike. + +Psmith suppressed a slight shudder. + +'I fear, Comrade Jackson,' he said, 'that the old noblesse oblige +traditions of the Psmiths would not allow me to do that. No. We will +stroll gently, after a light lunch, to Trafalgar Square, and hail a +taxi.' + +'Beastly expensive.' + +'But with what an object! Can any expenditure be called excessive which +enables us to hear Comrade Waller being mordant and ironical at the +other end?' + +'It's a rum business,' said Mike. 'I hope the dickens he won't mix us +up in it. We should look frightful fools.' + +'I may possibly say a few words,' said Psmith carelessly, 'if the +spirit moves me. Who am I that I should deny people a simple pleasure?' + +Mike looked alarmed. + +'Look here,' he said, 'I say, if you _are_ going to play the goat, +for goodness' sake don't go lugging me into it. I've got heaps of +troubles without that.' + +Psmith waved the objection aside. + +'You,' he said, 'will be one of the large, and, I hope, interested +audience. Nothing more. But it is quite possible that the spirit may +not move me. I may not feel inspired to speak. I am not one of those +who love speaking for speaking's sake. If I have no message for the +many-headed, I shall remain silent.' + +'Then I hope the dickens you won't have,' said Mike. Of all things he +hated most being conspicuous before a crowd--except at cricket, which +was a different thing--and he had an uneasy feeling that Psmith would +rather like it than otherwise. + +'We shall see,' said Psmith absently. 'Of course, if in the vein, I +might do something big in the way of oratory. I am a plain, blunt man, +but I feel convinced that, given the opportunity, I should haul up my +slacks to some effect. But--well, we shall see. We shall see.' + +And with this ghastly state of doubt Mike had to be content. + +It was with feelings of apprehension that he accompanied Psmith from +the flat to Trafalgar Square in search of a cab which should convey +them to Clapham Common. + +They were to meet Mr Waller at the edge of the Common nearest the +old town of Clapham. On the journey down Psmith was inclined to be +_debonnaire_. Mike, on the other hand, was silent and apprehensive. +He knew enough of Psmith to know that, if half an opportunity were +offered him, he would extract entertainment from this affair after +his own fashion; and then the odds were that he himself would be +dragged into it. Perhaps--his scalp bristled at the mere idea--he +would even be let in for a speech. + +This grisly thought had hardly come into his head, when Psmith spoke. + +'I'm not half sure,' he said thoughtfully, 'I sha'n't call on you for a +speech, Comrade Jackson.' + +'Look here, Psmith--' began Mike agitatedly. + +'I don't know. I think your solid, incisive style would rather go down +with the masses. However, we shall see, we shall see.' + +Mike reached the Common in a state of nervous collapse. + +Mr Waller was waiting for them by the railings near the pond. The +apostle of the Revolution was clad soberly in black, except for a tie +of vivid crimson. His eyes shone with the light of enthusiasm, vastly +different from the mild glow of amiability which they exhibited for six +days in every week. The man was transformed. + +'Here you are,' he said. 'Here you are. Excellent. You are in good +time. Comrades Wotherspoon and Prebble have already begun to speak. I +shall commence now that you have come. This is the way. Over by these +trees.' + +They made their way towards a small clump of trees, near which a +fair-sized crowd had already begun to collect. Evidently listening +to the speakers was one of Clapham's fashionable Sunday amusements. Mr +Waller talked and gesticulated incessantly as he walked. Psmith's +demeanour was perhaps a shade patronizing, but he displayed interest. +Mike proceeded to the meeting with the air of an about-to-be-washed dog. +He was loathing the whole business with a heartiness worthy of a better +cause. Somehow, he felt he was going to be made to look a fool before +the afternoon was over. But he registered a vow that nothing should +drag him on to the small platform which had been erected for the +benefit of the speaker. + +As they drew nearer, the voices of Comrades Wotherspoon and Prebble +became more audible. They had been audible all the time, very much so, +but now they grew in volume. Comrade Wotherspoon was a tall, thin man +with side-whiskers and a high voice. He scattered his aitches as a +fountain its sprays in a strong wind. He was very earnest. Comrade +Prebble was earnest, too. Perhaps even more so than Comrade +Wotherspoon. He was handicapped to some extent, however, by not having +a palate. This gave to his profoundest thoughts a certain weirdness, as +if they had been uttered in an unknown tongue. The crowd was thickest +round his platform. The grown-up section plainly regarded him as a +comedian, pure and simple, and roared with happy laughter when he urged +them to march upon Park Lane and loot the same without mercy or +scruple. The children were more doubtful. Several had broken down, and +been led away in tears. + +When Mr Waller got up to speak on platform number three, his audience +consisted at first only of Psmith, Mike, and a fox-terrier. Gradually +however, he attracted others. After wavering for a while, the crowd +finally decided that he was worth hearing. He had a method of his own. +Lacking the natural gifts which marked Comrade Prebble out as an +entertainer, he made up for this by his activity. Where his colleagues +stood comparatively still, Mr Waller behaved with the vivacity +generally supposed to belong only to peas on shovels and cats on hot +bricks. He crouched to denounce the House of Lords. He bounded from +side to side while dissecting the methods of the plutocrats. During an +impassioned onslaught on the monarchical system he stood on one leg and +hopped. This was more the sort of thing the crowd had come to see. +Comrade Wotherspoon found himself deserted, and even Comrade Prebble's +shortcomings in the way of palate were insufficient to keep his flock +together. The entire strength of the audience gathered in front of the +third platform. + +Mike, separated from Psmith by the movement of the crowd, listened with +a growing depression. That feeling which attacks a sensitive person +sometimes at the theatre when somebody is making himself ridiculous on +the stage--the illogical feeling that it is he and not the actor who is +floundering--had come over him in a wave. He liked Mr Waller, and it +made his gorge rise to see him exposing himself to the jeers of a +crowd. The fact that Mr Waller himself did not know that they were +jeers, but mistook them for applause, made it no better. Mike felt +vaguely furious. + +His indignation began to take a more personal shape when the speaker, +branching off from the main subject of Socialism, began to touch on +temperance. There was no particular reason why Mr Waller should have +introduced the subject of temperance, except that he happened to be an +enthusiast. He linked it on to his remarks on Socialism by attributing +the lethargy of the masses to their fondness for alcohol; and the +crowd, which had been inclined rather to pat itself on the back during +the assaults on Rank and Property, finding itself assailed in its turn, +resented it. They were there to listen to speakers telling them that +they were the finest fellows on earth, not pointing out their little +failings to them. The feeling of the meeting became hostile. The jeers +grew more frequent and less good-tempered. + +'Comrade Waller means well,' said a voice in Mike's ear, 'but if he +shoots it at them like this much more there'll be a bit of an +imbroglio.' + +'Look here, Smith,' said Mike quickly, 'can't we stop him? These chaps +are getting fed up, and they look bargees enough to do anything. +They'll be going for him or something soon.' + +'How can we switch off the flow? I don't see. The man is wound up. He +means to get it off his chest if it snows. I feel we are by way of +being in the soup once more, Comrade Jackson. We can only sit tight and +look on.' + +The crowd was becoming more threatening every minute. A group of young +men of the loafer class who stood near Mike were especially fertile in +comment. Psmith's eyes were on the speaker; but Mike was watching this +group closely. Suddenly he saw one of them, a thick-set youth wearing a +cloth cap and no collar, stoop. + +When he rose again there was a stone in his hand. + +The sight acted on Mike like a spur. Vague rage against nobody in +particular had been simmering in him for half an hour. Now it +concentrated itself on the cloth-capped one. + +Mr Waller paused momentarily before renewing his harangue. The man in +the cloth cap raised his hand. There was a swirl in the crowd, and the +first thing that Psmith saw as he turned was Mike seizing the would-be +marksman round the neck and hurling him to the ground, after the manner +of a forward at football tackling an opponent during a line-out from +touch. + +There is one thing which will always distract the attention of a crowd +from any speaker, and that is a dispute between two of its units. Mr +Waller's views on temperance were forgotten in an instant. The audience +surged round Mike and his opponent. + +The latter had scrambled to his feet now, and was looking round for his +assailant. + +'That's 'im, Bill!' cried eager voices, indicating Mike. + +''E's the bloke wot 'it yer, Bill,' said others, more precise in +detail. + +Bill advanced on Mike in a sidelong, crab-like manner. + +''Oo're you, I should like to know?' said Bill. + +Mike, rightly holding that this was merely a rhetorical question and +that Bill had no real thirst for information as to his family history, +made no reply. Or, rather, the reply he made was not verbal. He waited +till his questioner was within range, and then hit him in the eye. A +reply far more satisfactory, if not to Bill himself, at any rate to the +interested onlookers, than any flow of words. + +A contented sigh went up from the crowd. Their Sunday afternoon was +going to be spent just as they considered Sunday afternoons should be +spent. + +'Give us your coat,' said Psmith briskly, 'and try and get it over +quick. Don't go in for any fancy sparring. Switch it on, all you know, +from the start. I'll keep a thoughtful eye open to see that none of his +friends and relations join in.' + +Outwardly Psmith was unruffled, but inwardly he was not feeling so +composed. An ordinary turn-up before an impartial crowd which could be +relied upon to preserve the etiquette of these matters was one thing. +As regards the actual little dispute with the cloth-capped Bill, he +felt that he could rely on Mike to handle it satisfactorily. But there +was no knowing how long the crowd would be content to remain mere +spectators. There was no doubt which way its sympathies lay. Bill, now +stripped of his coat and sketching out in a hoarse voice a scenario of +what he intended to do--knocking Mike down and stamping him into the +mud was one of the milder feats he promised to perform for the +entertainment of an indulgent audience--was plainly the popular +favourite. + +Psmith, though he did not show it, was more than a little apprehensive. + +Mike, having more to occupy his mind in the immediate present, was not +anxious concerning the future. He had the great advantage over Psmith +of having lost his temper. Psmith could look on the situation as a +whole, and count the risks and possibilities. Mike could only see Bill +shuffling towards him with his head down and shoulders bunched. + +'Gow it, Bill!' said someone. + +'Pliy up, the Arsenal!' urged a voice on the outskirts of the crowd. + +A chorus of encouragement from kind friends in front: 'Step up, Bill!' + +And Bill stepped. + + + + +16. Further Developments + + +Bill (surname unknown) was not one of your ultra-scientific fighters. +He did not favour the American crouch and the artistic feint. He had a +style wholly his own. It seemed to have been modelled partly on a +tortoise and partly on a windmill. His head he appeared to be trying to +conceal between his shoulders, and he whirled his arms alternately in +circular sweeps. + +Mike, on the other hand, stood upright and hit straight, with the +result that he hurt his knuckles very much on his opponent's skull, +without seeming to disturb the latter to any great extent. In the +process he received one of the windmill swings on the left ear. The +crowd, strong pro-Billites, raised a cheer. + +This maddened Mike. He assumed the offensive. Bill, satisfied for the +moment with his success, had stepped back, and was indulging in some +fancy sparring, when Mike sprang upon him like a panther. They +clinched, and Mike, who had got the under grip, hurled Bill forcibly +against a stout man who looked like a publican. The two fell in a heap, +Bill underneath. + +At the same time Bill's friends joined in. + +The first intimation Mike had of this was a violent blow across the +shoulders with a walking-stick. Even if he had been wearing his +overcoat, the blow would have hurt. As he was in his jacket it hurt +more than anything he had ever experienced in his life. He leapt up +with a yell, but Psmith was there before him. Mike saw his assailant +lift the stick again, and then collapse as the old Etonian's right took +him under the chin. + +He darted to Psmith's side. + +'This is no place for us,' observed the latter sadly. 'Shift ho, I +think. Come on.' + +They dashed simultaneously for the spot where the crowd was thinnest. +The ring which had formed round Mike and Bill had broken up as the +result of the intervention of Bill's allies, and at the spot for which +they ran only two men were standing. And these had apparently made up +their minds that neutrality was the best policy, for they made no +movement to stop them. Psmith and Mike charged through the gap, and +raced for the road. + +The suddenness of the move gave them just the start they needed. Mike +looked over his shoulder. The crowd, to a man, seemed to be following. +Bill, excavated from beneath the publican, led the field. Lying a good +second came a band of three, and after them the rest in a bunch. + +They reached the road in this order. + +Some fifty yards down the road was a stationary tram. In the ordinary +course of things it would probably have moved on long before Psmith and +Mike could have got to it; but the conductor, a man with sporting blood +in him, seeing what appeared to be the finish of some Marathon Race, +refrained from giving the signal, and moved out into the road to +observe events more clearly, at the same time calling to the driver, +who joined him. Passengers on the roof stood up to get a good view. +There was some cheering. + +Psmith and Mike reached the tram ten yards to the good; and, if it had +been ready to start then, all would have been well. But Bill and his +friends had arrived while the driver and conductor were both out in the +road. + +The affair now began to resemble the doings of Horatius on the bridge. +Psmith and Mike turned to bay on the platform at the foot of the tram +steps. Bill, leading by three yards, sprang on to it, grabbed Mike, and +fell with him on to the road. Psmith, descending with a dignity +somewhat lessened by the fact that his hat was on the side of his head, +was in time to engage the runners-up. + +Psmith, as pugilist, lacked something of the calm majesty which +characterized him in the more peaceful moments of life, but he was +undoubtedly effective. Nature had given him an enormous reach and a +lightness on his feet remarkable in one of his size; and at some time +in his career he appeared to have learned how to use his hands. The +first of the three runners, the walking-stick manipulator, had the +misfortune to charge straight into the old Etonian's left. It was a +well-timed blow, and the force of it, added to the speed at which the +victim was running, sent him on to the pavement, where he spun round +and sat down. In the subsequent proceedings he took no part. + +The other two attacked Psmith simultaneously, one on each side. In +doing so, the one on the left tripped over Mike and Bill, who were +still in the process of sorting themselves out, and fell, leaving +Psmith free to attend to the other. He was a tall, weedy youth. His +conspicuous features were a long nose and a light yellow waistcoat. +Psmith hit him on the former with his left and on the latter with his +right. The long youth emitted a gurgle, and collided with Bill, who had +wrenched himself free from Mike and staggered to his feet. Bill, having +received a second blow in the eye during the course of his interview on +the road with Mike, was not feeling himself. Mistaking the other for an +enemy, he proceeded to smite him in the parts about the jaw. He had +just upset him, when a stern official voice observed, ''Ere, now, +what's all this?' + +There is no more unfailing corrective to a scene of strife than the +'What's all this?' of the London policeman. Bill abandoned his +intention of stamping on the prostrate one, and the latter, sitting up, +blinked and was silent. + +'What's all this?' asked the policeman again. Psmith, adjusting his hat +at the correct angle again, undertook the explanations. + +'A distressing scene, officer,' he said. 'A case of that unbridled +brawling which is, alas, but too common in our London streets. These +two, possibly till now the closest friends, fall out over some point, +probably of the most trivial nature, and what happens? They brawl. +They--' + +'He 'it me,' said the long youth, dabbing at his face with a +handkerchief and pointing an accusing finger at Psmith, who regarded +him through his eyeglass with a look in which pity and censure were +nicely blended. + +Bill, meanwhile, circling round restlessly, in the apparent hope of +getting past the Law and having another encounter with Mike, expressed +himself in a stream of language which drew stern reproof from the +shocked constable. + +'You 'op it,' concluded the man in blue. 'That's what you do. You 'op +it.' + +'I should,' said Psmith kindly. 'The officer is speaking in your best +interests. A man of taste and discernment, he knows what is best. His +advice is good, and should be followed.' + +The constable seemed to notice Psmith for the first time. He turned and +stared at him. Psmith's praise had not had the effect of softening him. +His look was one of suspicion. + +'And what might _you_ have been up to?' he inquired coldly. 'This +man says you hit him.' + +Psmith waved the matter aside. + +'Purely in self-defence,' he said, 'purely in self-defence. What else +could the man of spirit do? A mere tap to discourage an aggressive +movement.' + +The policeman stood silent, weighing matters in the balance. He +produced a notebook and sucked his pencil. Then he called the conductor +of the tram as a witness. + +'A brainy and admirable step,' said Psmith, approvingly. 'This rugged, +honest man, all unused to verbal subtleties, shall give us his plain +account of what happened. After which, as I presume this tram--little +as I know of the habits of trams--has got to go somewhere today, I +would suggest that we all separated and moved on.' + +He took two half-crowns from his pocket, and began to clink them +meditatively together. A slight softening of the frigidity of the +constable's manner became noticeable. There was a milder beam in the +eyes which gazed into Psmith's. + +Nor did the conductor seem altogether uninfluenced by the sight. + +The conductor deposed that he had bin on the point of pushing on, +seeing as how he'd hung abart long enough, when he see'd them two +gents, the long 'un with the heye-glass (Psmith bowed) and t'other 'un, +a-legging of it dahn the road towards him, with the other blokes +pelting after 'em. He added that, when they reached the trem, the two +gents had got aboard, and was then set upon by the blokes. And after +that, he concluded, well, there was a bit of a scrap, and that's how it +was. + +'Lucidly and excellently put,' said Psmith. 'That is just how it was. +Comrade Jackson, I fancy we leave the court without a stain on our +characters. We win through. Er--constable, we have given you a great +deal of trouble. Possibly--?' + +'Thank you, sir.' There was a musical clinking. 'Now then, all of you, +you 'op it. You're all bin poking your noses in 'ere long enough. Pop +off. Get on with that tram, conductor.' Psmith and Mike settled +themselves in a seat on the roof. When the conductor came along, Psmith +gave him half a crown, and asked after his wife and the little ones at +home. The conductor thanked goodness that he was a bachelor, punched +the tickets, and retired. + +'Subject for a historical picture,' said Psmith. 'Wounded leaving the +field after the Battle of Clapham Common. How are your injuries, +Comrade Jackson?' + +'My back's hurting like blazes,' said Mike. 'And my ear's all sore +where that chap got me. Anything the matter with you?' + +'Physically,' said Psmith, 'no. Spiritually much. Do you realize, +Comrade Jackson, the thing that has happened? I am riding in a tram. I, +Psmith, have paid a penny for a ticket on a tram. If this should get +about the clubs! I tell you, Comrade Jackson, no such crisis has ever +occurred before in the course of my career.' + +'You can always get off, you know,' said Mike. + +'He thinks of everything,' said Psmith, admiringly. 'You have touched +the spot with an unerring finger. Let us descend. I observe in the +distance a cab. That looks to me more the sort of thing we want. Let us +go and parley with the driver.' + + + + +17. Sunday Supper + + +The cab took them back to the flat, at considerable expense, and Psmith +requested Mike to make tea, a performance in which he himself was +interested purely as a spectator. He had views on the subject of +tea-making which he liked to expound from an armchair or sofa, but he +never got further than this. Mike, his back throbbing dully from the +blow he had received, and feeling more than a little sore all over, +prepared the Etna, fetched the milk, and finally produced the finished +article. + +Psmith sipped meditatively. + +'How pleasant,' he said, 'after strife is rest. We shouldn't have +appreciated this simple cup of tea had our sensibilities remained +unstirred this afternoon. We can now sit at our ease, like warriors +after the fray, till the time comes for setting out to Comrade Waller's +once more.' + +Mike looked up. + +'What! You don't mean to say you're going to sweat out to Clapham +again?' + +'Undoubtedly. Comrade Waller is expecting us to supper.' + +'What absolute rot! We can't fag back there.' + +'Noblesse oblige. The cry has gone round the Waller household, "Jackson +and Psmith are coming to supper," and we cannot disappoint them now. +Already the fatted blanc-mange has been killed, and the table creaks +beneath what's left of the midday beef. We must be there; besides, +don't you want to see how the poor man is? Probably we shall find him +in the act of emitting his last breath. I expect he was lynched by the +enthusiastic mob.' + +'Not much,' grinned Mike. 'They were too busy with us. All right, I'll +come if you really want me to, but it's awful rot.' + +One of the many things Mike could never understand in Psmith was his +fondness for getting into atmospheres that were not his own. He would +go out of his way to do this. Mike, like most boys of his age, was +never really happy and at his ease except in the presence of those of +his own years and class. Psmith, on the contrary, seemed to be bored by +them, and infinitely preferred talking to somebody who lived in quite +another world. Mike was not a snob. He simply had not the ability to be +at his ease with people in another class from his own. He did not know +what to talk to them about, unless they were cricket professionals. +With them he was never at a loss. + +But Psmith was different. He could get on with anyone. He seemed to +have the gift of entering into their minds and seeing things from their +point of view. + +As regarded Mr Waller, Mike liked him personally, and was prepared, as +we have seen, to undertake considerable risks in his defence; but he +loathed with all his heart and soul the idea of supper at his house. He +knew that he would have nothing to say. Whereas Psmith gave him the +impression of looking forward to the thing as a treat. + + * * * * * + +The house where Mr Waller lived was one of a row of semi-detached +villas on the north side of the Common. The door was opened to them by +their host himself. So far from looking battered and emitting last +breaths, he appeared particularly spruce. He had just returned from +Church, and was still wearing his gloves and tall hat. He squeaked with +surprise when he saw who were standing on the mat. + +'Why, dear me, dear me,' he said. 'Here you are! I have been wondering +what had happened to you. I was afraid that you might have been +seriously hurt. I was afraid those ruffians might have injured you. +When last I saw you, you were being--' + +'Chivvied,' interposed Psmith, with dignified melancholy. 'Do not let +us try to wrap the fact up in pleasant words. We were being chivvied. +We were legging it with the infuriated mob at our heels. An ignominious +position for a Shropshire Psmith, but, after all, Napoleon did the +same.' + +'But what happened? I could not see. I only know that quite suddenly +the people seemed to stop listening to me, and all gathered round you +and Jackson. And then I saw that Jackson was engaged in a fight with a +young man.' + +'Comrade Jackson, I imagine, having heard a great deal about all men +being equal, was anxious to test the theory, and see whether Comrade +Bill was as good a man as he was. The experiment was broken off +prematurely, but I personally should be inclined to say that Comrade +Jackson had a shade the better of the exchanges.' + +Mr Waller looked with interest at Mike, who shuffled and felt awkward. +He was hoping that Psmith would say nothing about the reason of his +engaging Bill in combat. He had an uneasy feeling that Mr Waller's +gratitude would be effusive and overpowering, and he did not wish to +pose as the brave young hero. There are moments when one does not feel +equal to the _role_. + +Fortunately, before Mr Waller had time to ask any further questions, +the supper-bell sounded, and they went into the dining-room. + +Sunday supper, unless done on a large and informal scale, is probably +the most depressing meal in existence. There is a chill discomfort in +the round of beef, an icy severity about the open jam tart. The +blancmange shivers miserably. + +Spirituous liquor helps to counteract the influence of these things, +and so does exhilarating conversation. Unfortunately, at Mr Waller's +table there was neither. The cashier's views on temperance were not +merely for the platform; they extended to the home. And the company was +not of the exhilarating sort. Besides Psmith and Mike and their host, +there were four people present--Comrade Prebble, the orator; a young +man of the name of Richards; Mr Waller's niece, answering to the name +of Ada, who was engaged to Mr Richards; and Edward. + +Edward was Mr Waller's son. He was ten years old, wore a very tight +Eton suit, and had the peculiarly loathsome expression which a snub +nose sometimes gives to the young. + +It would have been plain to the most casual observer that Mr Waller was +fond and proud of his son. The cashier was a widower, and after five +minutes' acquaintance with Edward, Mike felt strongly that Mrs Waller +was the lucky one. Edward sat next to Mike, and showed a tendency to +concentrate his conversation on him. Psmith, at the opposite end of the +table, beamed in a fatherly manner upon the pair through his eyeglass. + +Mike got on with small girls reasonably well. He preferred them at a +distance, but, if cornered by them, could put up a fairly good show. +Small boys, however, filled him with a sort of frozen horror. It was +his view that a boy should not be exhibited publicly until he reached +an age when he might be in the running for some sort of colours at a +public school. + +Edward was one of those well-informed small boys. He opened on Mike +with the first mouthful. + +'Do you know the principal exports of Marseilles?' he inquired. + +'What?' said Mike coldly. + +'Do you know the principal exports of Marseilles? I do.' + +'Oh?' said Mike. + +'Yes. Do you know the capital of Madagascar?' + +Mike, as crimson as the beef he was attacking, said he did not. + +'I do.' + +'Oh?' said Mike. + +'Who was the first king--' + +'You mustn't worry Mr Jackson, Teddy,' said Mr Waller, with a touch of +pride in his voice, as who should say 'There are not many boys of his +age, I can tell you, who _could_ worry you with questions like +that.' + +'No, no, he likes it,' said Psmith, unnecessarily. 'He likes it. I +always hold that much may be learned by casual chit-chat across the +dinner-table. I owe much of my own grasp of--' + +'I bet _you_ don't know what's the capital of Madagascar,' +interrupted Mike rudely. + +'I do,' said Edward. 'I can tell you the kings of Israel?' he added, +turning to Mike. He seemed to have no curiosity as to the extent of +Psmith's knowledge. Mike's appeared to fascinate him. + +Mike helped himself to beetroot in moody silence. + +His mouth was full when Comrade Prebble asked him a question. Comrade +Prebble, as has been pointed out in an earlier part of the narrative, +was a good chap, but had no roof to his mouth. + +'I beg your pardon?' said Mike. + +Comrade Prebble repeated his observation. Mike looked helplessly at +Psmith, but Psmith's eyes were on his plate. + +Mike felt he must venture on some answer. + +'No,' he said decidedly. + +Comrade Prebble seemed slightly taken aback. There was an awkward +pause. Then Mr Waller, for whom his fellow Socialist's methods of +conversation held no mysteries, interpreted. + +'The mustard, Prebble? Yes, yes. Would you mind passing Prebble the +mustard, Mr Jackson?' + +'Oh, sorry,' gasped Mike, and, reaching out, upset the water-jug into +the open jam-tart. + +Through the black mist which rose before his eyes as he leaped to his +feet and stammered apologies came the dispassionate voice of Master +Edward Waller reminding him that mustard was first introduced into Peru +by Cortez. + +His host was all courtesy and consideration. He passed the matter off +genially. But life can never be quite the same after you have upset a +water-jug into an open jam-tart at the table of a comparative stranger. +Mike's nerve had gone. He ate on, but he was a broken man. + +At the other end of the table it became gradually apparent that things +were not going on altogether as they should have done. There was a sort +of bleakness in the atmosphere. Young Mr Richards was looking like a +stuffed fish, and the face of Mr Waller's niece was cold and set. + +'Why, come, come, Ada,' said Mr Waller, breezily, 'what's the matter? +You're eating nothing. What's George been saying to you?' he added +jocularly. + +'Thank you, uncle Robert,' replied Ada precisely, 'there's nothing the +matter. Nothing that Mr Richards can say to me can upset me.' + +'Mr Richards!' echoed Mr Waller in astonishment. How was he to know +that, during the walk back from church, the world had been transformed, +George had become Mr Richards, and all was over? + +'I assure you, Ada--' began that unfortunate young man. Ada turned a +frigid shoulder towards him. + +'Come, come,' said Mr Waller disturbed. 'What's all this? What's all +this?' + +His niece burst into tears and left the room. + +If there is anything more embarrassing to a guest than a family row, we +have yet to hear of it. Mike, scarlet to the extreme edges of his ears, +concentrated himself on his plate. Comrade Prebble made a great many +remarks, which were probably illuminating, if they could have been +understood. Mr Waller looked, astonished, at Mr Richards. Mr Richards, +pink but dogged, loosened his collar, but said nothing. Psmith, leaning +forward, asked Master Edward Waller his opinion on the Licensing Bill. + +'We happened to have a word or two,' said Mr Richards at length, 'on +the way home from church on the subject of Women's Suffrage.' + +'That fatal topic!' murmured Psmith. + +'In Australia--' began Master Edward Waller. + +'I was rayther--well, rayther facetious about it,' continued Mr +Richards. + +Psmith clicked his tongue sympathetically. + +'In Australia--' said Edward. + +'I went talking on, laughing and joking, when all of a sudden she flew +out at me. How was I to know she was 'eart and soul in the movement? +You never told me,' he added accusingly to his host. + +'In Australia--' said Edward. + +'I'll go and try and get her round. How was I to know?' + +Mr Richards thrust back his chair and bounded from the room. + +'Now, iawinyaw, iear oiler--' said Comrade Prebble judicially, but was +interrupted. + +'How very disturbing!' said Mr Waller. 'I am so sorry that this should +have happened. Ada is such a touchy, sensitive girl. She--' + +'In Australia,' said Edward in even tones, 'they've _got_ Women's +Suffrage already. Did _you_ know that?' he said to Mike. + +Mike made no answer. His eyes were fixed on his plate. A bead of +perspiration began to roll down his forehead. If his feelings could +have been ascertained at that moment, they would have been summed up in +the words, 'Death, where is thy sting?' + + + + +18. Psmith Makes a Discovery + + +'Women,' said Psmith, helping himself to trifle, and speaking with the +air of one launched upon his special subject, 'are, one must recollect, +like--like--er, well, in fact, just so. Passing on lightly from that +conclusion, let us turn for a moment to the Rights of Property, in +connection with which Comrade Prebble and yourself had so much that was +interesting to say this afternoon. Perhaps you'--he bowed in Comrade +Prebble's direction--'would resume, for the benefit of Comrade Jackson--a +novice in the Cause, but earnest--your very lucid--' + +Comrade Prebble beamed, and took the floor. Mike began to realize that, +till now, he had never known what boredom meant. There had been moments +in his life which had been less interesting than other moments, but +nothing to touch this for agony. Comrade Prebble's address streamed on +like water rushing over a weir. Every now and then there was a word or +two which was recognizable, but this happened so rarely that it +amounted to little. Sometimes Mr Waller would interject a remark, but +not often. He seemed to be of the opinion that Comrade Prebble's was +the master mind and that to add anything to his views would be in the +nature of painting the lily and gilding the refined gold. Mike himself +said nothing. Psmith and Edward were equally silent. The former sat +like one in a trance, thinking his own thoughts, while Edward, who, +prospecting on the sideboard, had located a rich biscuit-mine, was too +occupied for speech. + +After about twenty minutes, during which Mike's discomfort changed to a +dull resignation, Mr Waller suggested a move to the drawing-room, where +Ada, he said, would play some hymns. + +The prospect did not dazzle Mike, but any change, he thought, must be +for the better. He had sat staring at the ruin of the blancmange so +long that it had begun to hypnotize him. Also, the move had the +excellent result of eliminating the snub-nosed Edward, who was sent to +bed. His last words were in the form of a question, addressed to Mike, +on the subject of the hypotenuse and the square upon the same. + +'A remarkably intelligent boy,' said Psmith. 'You must let him come to +tea at our flat one day. I may not be in myself--I have many duties +which keep me away--but Comrade Jackson is sure to be there, and will +be delighted to chat with him.' + +On the way upstairs Mike tried to get Psmith to himself for a moment to +suggest the advisability of an early departure; but Psmith was in close +conversation with his host. Mike was left to Comrade Prebble, who, +apparently, had only touched the fringe of his subject in his lecture +in the dining-room. + +When Mr Waller had predicted hymns in the drawing-room, he had been too +sanguine (or too pessimistic). Of Ada, when they arrived, there were no +signs. It seemed that she had gone straight to bed. Young Mr Richards +was sitting on the sofa, moodily turning the leaves of a photograph +album, which contained portraits of Master Edward Waller in +geometrically progressing degrees of repulsiveness--here, in frocks, +looking like a gargoyle; there, in sailor suit, looking like nothing on +earth. The inspection of these was obviously deepening Mr Richards' +gloom, but he proceeded doggedly with it. + +Comrade Prebble backed the reluctant Mike into a corner, and, like the +Ancient Mariner, held him with a glittering eye. Psmith and Mr Waller, +in the opposite corner, were looking at something with their heads +close together. Mike definitely abandoned all hope of a rescue from +Psmith, and tried to buoy himself up with the reflection that this +could not last for ever. + +Hours seemed to pass, and then at last he heard Psmith's voice saying +good-bye to his host. + +He sprang to his feet. Comrade Prebble was in the middle of a sentence, +but this was no time for polished courtesy. He felt that he must get +away, and at once. 'I fear,' Psmith was saying, 'that we must tear +ourselves away. We have greatly enjoyed our evening. You must look us +up at our flat one day, and bring Comrade Prebble. If I am not in, +Comrade Jackson is certain to be, and he will be more than delighted to +hear Comrade Prebble speak further on the subject of which he is such a +master.' Comrade Prebble was understood to say that he would certainly +come. Mr Waller beamed. Mr Richards, still steeped in gloom, shook +hands in silence. + +Out in the road, with the front door shut behind them, Mike spoke his +mind. + +'Look here, Smith,' he said definitely, 'if being your confidential +secretary and adviser is going to let me in for any more of that sort +of thing, you can jolly well accept my resignation.' + +'The orgy was not to your taste?' said Psmith sympathetically. + +Mike laughed. One of those short, hollow, bitter laughs. + +'I am at a loss, Comrade Jackson,' said Psmith, 'to understand your +attitude. You fed sumptuously. You had fun with the crockery--that +knockabout act of yours with the water-jug was alone worth the +money--and you had the advantage of listening to the views of a +master of his subject. What more do you want?' + +'What on earth did you land me with that man Prebble for?' + +'Land you! Why, you courted his society. I had practically to drag you +away from him. When I got up to say good-bye, you were listening to him +with bulging eyes. I never saw such a picture of rapt attention. Do you +mean to tell me, Comrade Jackson, that your appearance belied you, that +you were not interested? Well, well. How we misread our fellow +creatures.' + +'I think you might have come and lent a hand with Prebble. It was a bit +thick.' + +'I was too absorbed with Comrade Waller. We were talking of things of +vital moment. However, the night is yet young. We will take this cab, +wend our way to the West, seek a cafe, and cheer ourselves with light +refreshments.' + +Arrived at a cafe whose window appeared to be a sort of museum of every +kind of German sausage, they took possession of a vacant table and +ordered coffee. Mike soon found himself soothed by his bright +surroundings, and gradually his impressions of blancmange, Edward, and +Comrade Prebble faded from his mind. Psmith, meanwhile, was preserving +an unusual silence, being deep in a large square book of the sort in +which Press cuttings are pasted. As Psmith scanned its contents a +curious smile lit up his face. His reflections seemed to be of an +agreeable nature. + +'Hullo,' said Mike, 'what have you got hold of there? Where did you get +that?' + +'Comrade Waller very kindly lent it to me. He showed it to me after +supper, knowing how enthusiastically I was attached to the Cause. Had +you been less tensely wrapped up in Comrade Prebble's conversation, I +would have desired you to step across and join us. However, you now +have your opportunity.' + +'But what is it?' asked Mike. + +'It is the record of the meetings of the Tulse Hill Parliament,' said +Psmith impressively. 'A faithful record of all they said, all the votes +of confidence they passed in the Government, and also all the nasty +knocks they gave it from time to time.' + +'What on earth's the Tulse Hill Parliament?' + +'It is, alas,' said Psmith in a grave, sad voice, 'no more. In life it +was beautiful, but now it has done the Tom Bowling act. It has gone +aloft. We are dealing, Comrade Jackson, not with the live, vivid +present, but with the far-off, rusty past. And yet, in a way, there is +a touch of the live, vivid present mixed up in it.' + +'I don't know what the dickens you're talking about,' said Mike. 'Let's +have a look, anyway.' + +Psmith handed him the volume, and, leaning back, sipped his coffee, and +watched him. At first Mike's face was bored and blank, but suddenly an +interested look came into it. + +'Aha!' said Psmith. + +'Who's Bickersdyke? Anything to do with our Bickersdyke?' + +'No other than our genial friend himself.' + +Mike turned the pages, reading a line or two on each. + +'Hullo!' he said, chuckling. 'He lets himself go a bit, doesn't he!' + +'He does,' acknowledged Psmith. 'A fiery, passionate nature, that of +Comrade Bickersdyke.' + +'He's simply cursing the Government here. Giving them frightful beans.' + +Psmith nodded. + +'I noticed the fact myself.' + +'But what's it all about?' + +'As far as I can glean from Comrade Waller,' said Psmith, 'about twenty +years ago, when he and Comrade Bickersdyke worked hand-in-hand as +fellow clerks at the New Asiatic, they were both members of the Tulse +Hill Parliament, that powerful institution. At that time Comrade +Bickersdyke was as fruity a Socialist as Comrade Waller is now. Only, +apparently, as he began to get on a bit in the world, he altered his +views to some extent as regards the iniquity of freezing on to a decent +share of the doubloons. And that, you see, is where the dim and rusty +past begins to get mixed up with the live, vivid present. If any +tactless person were to publish those very able speeches made by +Comrade Bickersdyke when a bulwark of the Tulse Hill Parliament, our +revered chief would be more or less caught bending, if I may employ the +expression, as regards his chances of getting in as Unionist candidate +at Kenningford. You follow me, Watson? I rather fancy the light-hearted +electors of Kenningford, from what I have seen of their rather acute +sense of humour, would be, as it were, all over it. It would be very, +very trying for Comrade Bickersdyke if these speeches of his were to +get about.' + +'You aren't going to--!' + +'I shall do nothing rashly. I shall merely place this handsome volume +among my treasured books. I shall add it to my "Books that have helped +me" series. Because I fancy that, in an emergency, it may not be at all +a bad thing to have about me. And now,' he concluded, 'as the hour is +getting late, perhaps we had better be shoving off for home.' + + + + +19. The Illness of Edward + + +Life in a bank is at its pleasantest in the winter. When all the world +outside is dark and damp and cold, the light and warmth of the place +are comforting. There is a pleasant air of solidity about the interior +of a bank. The green shaded lamps look cosy. And, the outside world +offering so few attractions, the worker, perched on his stool, feels +that he is not so badly off after all. It is when the days are long and +the sun beats hot on the pavement, and everything shouts to him how +splendid it is out in the country, that he begins to grow restless. + +Mike, except for a fortnight at the beginning of his career in the New +Asiatic Bank, had not had to stand the test of sunshine. At present, +the weather being cold and dismal, he was almost entirely contented. +Now that he had got into the swing of his work, the days passed very +quickly; and with his life after office-hours he had no fault to find +at all. + +His life was very regular. He would arrive in the morning just in time +to sign his name in the attendance-book before it was removed to the +accountant's room. That was at ten o'clock. From ten to eleven he would +potter. There was nothing going on at that time in his department, and +Mr Waller seemed to take it for granted that he should stroll off to +the Postage Department and talk to Psmith, who had generally some fresh +grievance against the ring-wearing Bristow to air. From eleven to half +past twelve he would put in a little gentle work. Lunch, unless there +was a rush of business or Mr Waller happened to suffer from a spasm of +conscientiousness, could be spun out from half past twelve to two. More +work from two till half past three. From half past three till half past +four tea in the tearoom, with a novel. And from half past four till +five either a little more work or more pottering, according to whether +there was any work to do or not. It was by no means an unpleasant mode +of spending a late January day. + +Then there was no doubt that it was an interesting little community, +that of the New Asiatic Bank. The curiously amateurish nature of the +institution lent a certain air of light-heartedness to the place. It +was not like one of those banks whose London office is their main +office, where stern business is everything and a man becomes a mere +machine for getting through a certain amount of routine work. The +employees of the New Asiatic Bank, having plenty of time on their +hands, were able to retain their individuality. They had leisure to +think of other things besides their work. Indeed, they had so much +leisure that it is a wonder they thought of their work at all. + +The place was full of quaint characters. There was West, who had been +requested to leave Haileybury owing to his habit of borrowing horses +and attending meets in the neighbourhood, the same being always out of +bounds and necessitating a complete disregard of the rules respecting +evening chapel and lock-up. He was a small, dried-up youth, with black +hair plastered down on his head. He went about his duties in a costume +which suggested the sportsman of the comic papers. + +There was also Hignett, who added to the meagre salary allowed him by +the bank by singing comic songs at the minor music halls. He confided +to Mike his intention of leaving the bank as soon as he had made a +name, and taking seriously to the business. He told him that he had +knocked them at the Bedford the week before, and in support of the +statement showed him a cutting from the Era, in which the writer said +that 'Other acceptable turns were the Bounding Zouaves, Steingruber's +Dogs, and Arthur Hignett.' Mike wished him luck. + +And there was Raymond who dabbled in journalism and was the author of +'Straight Talks to Housewives' in _Trifles_, under the pseudonym +of 'Lady Gussie'; Wragge, who believed that the earth was flat, and +addressed meetings on the subject in Hyde Park on Sundays; and many +others, all interesting to talk to of a morning when work was slack and +time had to be filled in. + +Mike found himself, by degrees, growing quite attached to the New +Asiatic Bank. + +One morning, early in February, he noticed a curious change in Mr +Waller. The head of the Cash Department was, as a rule, mildly cheerful +on arrival, and apt (excessively, Mike thought, though he always +listened with polite interest) to relate the most recent sayings and +doings of his snub-nosed son, Edward. No action of this young prodigy +was withheld from Mike. He had heard, on different occasions, how he +had won a prize at his school for General Information (which Mike could +well believe); how he had trapped young Mr Richards, now happily +reconciled to Ada, with an ingenious verbal catch; and how he had made +a sequence of diverting puns on the name of the new curate, during the +course of that cleric's first Sunday afternoon visit. + +On this particular day, however, the cashier was silent and +absent-minded. He answered Mike's good-morning mechanically, and +sitting down at his desk, stared blankly across the building. There +was a curiously grey, tired look on his face. + +Mike could not make it out. He did not like to ask if there was +anything the matter. Mr Waller's face had the unreasonable effect on +him of making him feel shy and awkward. Anything in the nature of +sorrow always dried Mike up and robbed him of the power of speech. +Being naturally sympathetic, he had raged inwardly in many a crisis at +this devil of dumb awkwardness which possessed him and prevented him +from putting his sympathy into words. He had always envied the cooing +readiness of the hero on the stage when anyone was in trouble. He +wondered whether he would ever acquire that knack of pouring out a +limpid stream of soothing words on such occasions. At present he could +get no farther than a scowl and an almost offensive gruffness. + +The happy thought struck him of consulting Psmith. It was his hour for +pottering, so he pottered round to the Postage Department, where he +found the old Etonian eyeing with disfavour a new satin tie which +Bristow was wearing that morning for the first time. + +'I say, Smith,' he said, 'I want to speak to you for a second.' + +Psmith rose. Mike led the way to a quiet corner of the Telegrams +Department. + +'I tell you, Comrade Jackson,' said Psmith, 'I am hard pressed. The +fight is beginning to be too much for me. After a grim struggle, after +days of unremitting toil, I succeeded yesterday in inducing the man +Bristow to abandon that rainbow waistcoat of his. Today I enter the +building, blythe and buoyant, worn, of course, from the long struggle, +but seeing with aching eyes the dawn of another, better era, and there +is Comrade Bristow in a satin tie. It's hard, Comrade Jackson, it's +hard, I tell you.' + +'Look here, Smith,' said Mike, 'I wish you'd go round to the Cash and +find out what's up with old Waller. He's got the hump about something. +He's sitting there looking absolutely fed up with things. I hope +there's nothing up. He's not a bad sort. It would be rot if anything +rotten's happened.' + +Psmith began to display a gentle interest. + +'So other people have troubles as well as myself,' he murmured +musingly. 'I had almost forgotten that. Comrade Waller's misfortunes +cannot but be trivial compared with mine, but possibly it will be as +well to ascertain their nature. I will reel round and make inquiries.' + +'Good man,' said Mike. 'I'll wait here.' + +Psmith departed, and returned, ten minutes later, looking more serious +than when he had left. + +'His kid's ill, poor chap,' he said briefly. 'Pretty badly too, from +what I can gather. Pneumonia. Waller was up all night. He oughtn't to +be here at all today. He doesn't know what he's doing half the time. +He's absolutely fagged out. Look here, you'd better nip back and do as +much of the work as you can. I shouldn't talk to him much if I were +you. Buck along.' + +Mike went. Mr Waller was still sitting staring out across the aisle. +There was something more than a little gruesome in the sight of him. He +wore a crushed, beaten look, as if all the life and fight had gone out +of him. A customer came to the desk to cash a cheque. The cashier +shovelled the money to him under the bars with the air of one whose +mind is elsewhere. Mike could guess what he was feeling, and what he +was thinking about. The fact that the snub-nosed Edward was, without +exception, the most repulsive small boy he had ever met in this world, +where repulsive small boys crowd and jostle one another, did not +interfere with his appreciation of the cashier's state of mind. Mike's +was essentially a sympathetic character. He had the gift of intuitive +understanding, where people of whom he was fond were concerned. It was +this which drew to him those who had intelligence enough to see beyond +his sometimes rather forbidding manner, and to realize that his blunt +speech was largely due to shyness. In spite of his prejudice against +Edward, he could put himself into Mr Waller's place, and see the thing +from his point of view. + +Psmith's injunction to him not to talk much was unnecessary. Mike, as +always, was rendered utterly dumb by the sight of suffering. He sat at +his desk, occupying himself as best he could with the driblets of work +which came to him. + +Mr Waller's silence and absentness continued unchanged. The habit of +years had made his work mechanical. Probably few of the customers who +came to cash cheques suspected that there was anything the matter with +the man who paid them their money. After all, most people look on the +cashier of a bank as a sort of human slot-machine. You put in your +cheque, and out comes money. It is no affair of yours whether life is +treating the machine well or ill that day. + +The hours dragged slowly by till five o'clock struck, and the cashier, +putting on his coat and hat, passed silently out through the swing +doors. He walked listlessly. He was evidently tired out. + +Mike shut his ledger with a vicious bang, and went across to find +Psmith. He was glad the day was over. + + + + +20. Concerning a Cheque + + +Things never happen quite as one expects them to. Mike came to the +office next morning prepared for a repetition of the previous day. He +was amazed to find the cashier not merely cheerful, but even +exuberantly cheerful. Edward, it appeared, had rallied in the +afternoon, and, when his father had got home, had been out of danger. +He was now going along excellently, and had stumped Ada, who was +nursing him, with a question about the Thirty Years' War, only a few +minutes before his father had left to catch his train. The cashier was +overflowing with happiness and goodwill towards his species. He greeted +customers with bright remarks on the weather, and snappy views on the +leading events of the day: the former tinged with optimism, the latter +full of a gentle spirit of toleration. His attitude towards the latest +actions of His Majesty's Government was that of one who felt that, +after all, there was probably some good even in the vilest of his +fellow creatures, if one could only find it. + +Altogether, the cloud had lifted from the Cash Department. All was joy, +jollity, and song. + +'The attitude of Comrade Waller,' said Psmith, on being informed of the +change, 'is reassuring. I may now think of my own troubles. Comrade +Bristow has blown into the office today in patent leather boots with +white kid uppers, as I believe the technical term is. Add to that the +fact that he is still wearing the satin tie, the waistcoat, and the +ring, and you will understand why I have definitely decided this +morning to abandon all hope of his reform. Henceforth my services, for +what they are worth, are at the disposal of Comrade Bickersdyke. My +time from now onward is his. He shall have the full educative value of +my exclusive attention. I give Comrade Bristow up. Made straight for +the corner flag, you understand,' he added, as Mr Rossiter emerged from +his lair, 'and centred, and Sandy Turnbull headed a beautiful goal. I +was just telling Jackson about the match against Blackburn Rovers,' he +said to Mr Rossiter. + +'Just so, just so. But get on with your work, Smith. We are a little +behind-hand. I think perhaps it would be as well not to leave it just +yet.' + +'I will leap at it at once,' said Psmith cordially. + +Mike went back to his department. + +The day passed quickly. Mr Waller, in the intervals of work, talked a +good deal, mostly of Edward, his doings, his sayings, and his +prospects. The only thing that seemed to worry Mr Waller was the +problem of how to employ his son's almost superhuman talents to the +best advantage. Most of the goals towards which the average man strives +struck him as too unambitious for the prodigy. + +By the end of the day Mike had had enough of Edward. He never wished to +hear the name again. + +We do not claim originality for the statement that things never happen +quite as one expects them to. We repeat it now because of its profound +truth. The Edward's pneumonia episode having ended satisfactorily (or, +rather, being apparently certain to end satisfactorily, for the +invalid, though out of danger, was still in bed), Mike looked forward +to a series of days unbroken by any but the minor troubles of life. For +these he was prepared. What he did not expect was any big calamity. + +At the beginning of the day there were no signs of it. The sky was blue +and free from all suggestions of approaching thunderbolts. Mr Waller, +still chirpy, had nothing but good news of Edward. Mike went for his +morning stroll round the office feeling that things had settled down +and had made up their mind to run smoothly. + +When he got back, barely half an hour later, the storm had burst. + +There was no one in the department at the moment of his arrival; but a +few minutes later he saw Mr Waller come out of the manager's room, and +make his way down the aisle. + +It was his walk which first gave any hint that something was wrong. It +was the same limp, crushed walk which Mike had seen when Edward's +safety still hung in the balance. + +As Mr Waller came nearer, Mike saw that the cashier's face was deadly +pale. + +Mr Waller caught sight of him and quickened his pace. + +'Jackson,' he said. + +Mike came forward. + +'Do you--remember--' he spoke slowly, and with an effort, 'do you +remember a cheque coming through the day before yesterday for a hundred +pounds, with Sir John Morrison's signature?' + +'Yes. It came in the morning, rather late.' + +Mike remembered the cheque perfectly well, owing to the amount. It was +the only three-figure cheque which had come across the counter during +the day. It had been presented just before the cashier had gone out to +lunch. He recollected the man who had presented it, a tallish man with +a beard. He had noticed him particularly because of the contrast +between his manner and that of the cashier. The former had been so very +cheery and breezy, the latter so dazed and silent. + +'Why,' he said. + +'It was a forgery,' muttered Mr Waller, sitting down heavily. + +Mike could not take it in all at once. He was stunned. All he could +understand was that a far worse thing had happened than anything he +could have imagined. + +'A forgery?' he said. + +'A forgery. And a clumsy one. Oh it's hard. I should have seen it on +any other day but that. I could not have missed it. They showed me the +cheque in there just now. I could not believe that I had passed it. I +don't remember doing it. My mind was far away. I don't remember the +cheque or anything about it. Yet there it is.' + +Once more Mike was tongue-tied. For the life of him he could not think +of anything to say. Surely, he thought, he could find _something_ +in the shape of words to show his sympathy. But he could find nothing +that would not sound horribly stilted and cold. He sat silent. + +'Sir John is in there,' went on the cashier. 'He is furious. Mr +Bickersdyke, too. They are both furious. I shall be dismissed. I shall +lose my place. I shall be dismissed.' He was talking more to himself +than to Mike. It was dreadful to see him sitting there, all limp and +broken. + +'I shall lose my place. Mr Bickersdyke has wanted to get rid of me for +a long time. He never liked me. I shall be dismissed. What can I do? +I'm an old man. I can't make another start. I am good for nothing. +Nobody will take an old man like me.' + +His voice died away. There was a silence. Mike sat staring miserably in +front of him. + +Then, quite suddenly, an idea came to him. The whole pressure of the +atmosphere seemed to lift. He saw a way out. It was a curious crooked +way, but at that moment it stretched clear and broad before him. He +felt lighthearted and excited, as if he were watching the development +of some interesting play at the theatre. + +He got up, smiling. + +The cashier did not notice the movement. Somebody had come in to cash a +cheque, and he was working mechanically. + +Mike walked up the aisle to Mr Bickersdyke's room, and went in. + +The manager was in his chair at the big table. Opposite him, facing +slightly sideways, was a small, round, very red-faced man. Mr +Bickersdyke was speaking as Mike entered. + +'I can assure you, Sir John--' he was saying. + +He looked up as the door opened. + +'Well, Mr Jackson?' + +Mike almost laughed. The situation was tickling him. + +'Mr Waller has told me--' he began. + +'I have already seen Mr Waller.' + +'I know. He told me about the cheque. I came to explain.' + +'Explain?' + +'Yes. He didn't cash it at all.' + +'I don't understand you, Mr Jackson.' + +'I was at the counter when it was brought in,' said Mike. 'I cashed it.' + + + + +21. Psmith Makes Inquiries + + +Psmith, as was his habit of a morning when the fierce rush of his +commercial duties had abated somewhat, was leaning gracefully against +his desk, musing on many things, when he was aware that Bristow was +standing before him. + +Focusing his attention with some reluctance upon this blot on the +horizon, he discovered that the exploiter of rainbow waistcoats and +satin ties was addressing him. + +'I say, Smithy,' said Bristow. He spoke in rather an awed voice. + +'Say on, Comrade Bristow,' said Psmith graciously. 'You have our ear. +You would seem to have something on your chest in addition to that +Neapolitan ice garment which, I regret to see, you still flaunt. If it +is one tithe as painful as that, you have my sympathy. Jerk it out, +Comrade Bristow.' + +'Jackson isn't half copping it from old Bick.' + +'Isn't--? What exactly did you say?' + +'He's getting it hot on the carpet.' + +'You wish to indicate,' said Psmith, 'that there is some slight +disturbance, some passing breeze between Comrades Jackson and +Bickersdyke?' + +Bristow chuckled. + +'Breeze! Blooming hurricane, more like it. I was in Bick's room just +now with a letter to sign, and I tell you, the fur was flying all over +the bally shop. There was old Bick cursing for all he was worth, and a +little red-faced buffer puffing out his cheeks in an armchair.' + +'We all have our hobbies,' said Psmith. + +'Jackson wasn't saying much. He jolly well hadn't a chance. Old Bick +was shooting it out fourteen to the dozen.' + +'I have been privileged,' said Psmith, 'to hear Comrade Bickersdyke +speak both in his sanctum and in public. He has, as you suggest, a +ready flow of speech. What, exactly was the cause of the turmoil?' + +'I couldn't wait to hear. I was too jolly glad to get away. Old Bick +looked at me as if he could eat me, snatched the letter out of my hand, +signed it, and waved his hand at the door as a hint to hop it. Which I +jolly well did. He had started jawing Jackson again before I was out of +the room.' + +'While applauding his hustle,' said Psmith, 'I fear that I must take +official notice of this. Comrade Jackson is essentially a Sensitive +Plant, highly strung, neurotic. I cannot have his nervous system jolted +and disorganized in this manner, and his value as a confidential +secretary and adviser impaired, even though it be only temporarily. I +must look into this. I will go and see if the orgy is concluded. I will +hear what Comrade Jackson has to say on the matter. I shall not act +rashly, Comrade Bristow. If the man Bickersdyke is proved to have had +good grounds for his outbreak, he shall escape uncensured. I may even +look in on him and throw him a word of praise. But if I find, as I +suspect, that he has wronged Comrade Jackson, I shall be forced to +speak sharply to him.' + + * * * * * + +Mike had left the scene of battle by the time Psmith reached the Cash +Department, and was sitting at his desk in a somewhat dazed condition, +trying to clear his mind sufficiently to enable him to see exactly how +matters stood as concerned himself. He felt confused and rattled. He +had known, when he went to the manager's room to make his statement, +that there would be trouble. But, then, trouble is such an elastic +word. It embraces a hundred degrees of meaning. Mike had expected +sentence of dismissal, and he had got it. So far he had nothing to +complain of. But he had not expected it to come to him riding high on +the crest of a great, frothing wave of verbal denunciation. Mr +Bickersdyke, through constantly speaking in public, had developed the +habit of fluent denunciation to a remarkable extent. He had thundered +at Mike as if Mike had been his Majesty's Government or the Encroaching +Alien, or something of that sort. And that kind of thing is a little +overwhelming at short range. Mike's head was still spinning. + +It continued to spin; but he never lost sight of the fact round which +it revolved, namely, that he had been dismissed from the service of the +bank. And for the first time he began to wonder what they would say +about this at home. + +Up till now the matter had seemed entirely a personal one. He had +charged in to rescue the harassed cashier in precisely the same way as +that in which he had dashed in to save him from Bill, the Stone-Flinging +Scourge of Clapham Common. Mike's was one of those direct, honest minds +which are apt to concentrate themselves on the crisis of the moment, +and to leave the consequences out of the question entirely. + +What would they say at home? That was the point. + +Again, what could he do by way of earning a living? He did not know +much about the City and its ways, but he knew enough to understand that +summary dismissal from a bank is not the best recommendation one can +put forward in applying for another job. And if he did not get another +job in the City, what could he do? If it were only summer, he might get +taken on somewhere as a cricket professional. Cricket was his line. He +could earn his pay at that. But it was very far from being summer. + +He had turned the problem over in his mind till his head ached, and had +eaten in the process one-third of a wooden penholder, when Psmith +arrived. + +'It has reached me,' said Psmith, 'that you and Comrade Bickersdyke +have been seen doing the Hackenschmidt-Gotch act on the floor. When my +informant left, he tells me, Comrade B. had got a half-Nelson on you, +and was biting pieces out of your ear. Is this so?' + +Mike got up. Psmith was the man, he felt, to advise him in this crisis. +Psmith's was the mind to grapple with his Hard Case. + +'Look here, Smith,' he said, 'I want to speak to you. I'm in a bit of a +hole, and perhaps you can tell me what to do. Let's go out and have a +cup of coffee, shall we? I can't tell you about it here.' + +'An admirable suggestion,' said Psmith. 'Things in the Postage +Department are tolerably quiescent at present. Naturally I shall be +missed, if I go out. But my absence will not spell irretrievable ruin, +as it would at a period of greater commercial activity. Comrades +Rossiter and Bristow have studied my methods. They know how I like +things to be done. They are fully competent to conduct the business of +the department in my absence. Let us, as you say, scud forth. We will +go to a Mecca. Why so-called I do not know, nor, indeed, do I ever hope +to know. There we may obtain, at a price, a passable cup of coffee, and +you shall tell me your painful story.' + +The Mecca, except for the curious aroma which pervades all Meccas, was +deserted. Psmith, moving a box of dominoes on to the next table, sat +down. + +'Dominoes,' he said, 'is one of the few manly sports which have never +had great attractions for me. A cousin of mine, who secured his chess +blue at Oxford, would, they tell me, have represented his University in +the dominoes match also, had he not unfortunately dislocated the radius +bone of his bazooka while training for it. Except for him, there has +been little dominoes talent in the Psmith family. Let us merely talk. +What of this slight brass-rag-parting to which I alluded just now? Tell +me all.' + +He listened gravely while Mike related the incidents which had led up +to his confession and the results of the same. At the conclusion of the +narrative he sipped his coffee in silence for a moment. + +'This habit of taking on to your shoulders the harvest of other +people's bloomers,' he said meditatively, 'is growing upon you, Comrade +Jackson. You must check it. It is like dram-drinking. You begin in a +small way by breaking school rules to extract Comrade Jellicoe (perhaps +the supremest of all the blitherers I have ever met) from a hole. If +you had stopped there, all might have been well. But the thing, once +started, fascinated you. Now you have landed yourself with a splash in +the very centre of the Oxo in order to do a good turn to Comrade +Waller. You must drop it, Comrade Jackson. When you were free and +without ties, it did not so much matter. But now that you are +confidential secretary and adviser to a Shropshire Psmith, the thing +must stop. Your secretarial duties must be paramount. Nothing must be +allowed to interfere with them. Yes. The thing must stop before it goes +too far.' + +'It seems to me,' said Mike, 'that it has gone too far. I've got the +sack. I don't know how much farther you want it to go.' + +Psmith stirred his coffee before replying. + +'True,' he said, 'things look perhaps a shade rocky just now, but all +is not yet lost. You must recollect that Comrade Bickersdyke spoke in +the heat of the moment. That generous temperament was stirred to its +depths. He did not pick his words. But calm will succeed storm, and we +may be able to do something yet. I have some little influence with +Comrade Bickersdyke. Wrongly, perhaps,' added Psmith modestly, 'he +thinks somewhat highly of my judgement. If he sees that I am opposed to +this step, he may possibly reconsider it. What Psmith thinks today, is +his motto, I shall think tomorrow. However, we shall see.' + +'I bet we shall!' said Mike ruefully. + +'There is, moreover,' continued Psmith, 'another aspect to the affair. +When you were being put through it, in Comrade Bickersdyke's inimitably +breezy manner, Sir John What's-his-name was, I am given to understand, +present. Naturally, to pacify the aggrieved bart., Comrade B. had to +lay it on regardless of expense. In America, as possibly you are aware, +there is a regular post of mistake-clerk, whose duty it is to receive +in the neck anything that happens to be coming along when customers +make complaints. He is hauled into the presence of the foaming +customer, cursed, and sacked. The customer goes away appeased. The +mistake-clerk, if the harangue has been unusually energetic, applies +for a rise of salary. Now, possibly, in your case--' + +'In my case,' interrupted Mike, 'there was none of that rot. +Bickersdyke wasn't putting it on. He meant every word. Why, dash it +all, you know yourself he'd be only too glad to sack me, just to get +some of his own back with me.' + +Psmith's eyes opened in pained surprise. + +'Get some of his own back!' he repeated. + +'Are you insinuating, Comrade Jackson, that my relations with Comrade +Bickersdyke are not of the most pleasant and agreeable nature possible? +How do these ideas get about? I yield to nobody in my respect for our +manager. I may have had occasion from time to time to correct him in +some trifling matter, but surely he is not the man to let such a thing +rankle? No! I prefer to think that Comrade Bickersdyke regards me as +his friend and well-wisher, and will lend a courteous ear to any +proposal I see fit to make. I hope shortly to be able to prove this to +you. I will discuss this little affair of the cheque with him at our +ease at the club, and I shall be surprised if we do not come to some +arrangement.' + +'Look here, Smith,' said Mike earnestly, 'for goodness' sake don't go +playing the goat. There's no earthly need for you to get lugged into +this business. Don't you worry about me. I shall be all right.' + +'I think,' said Psmith, 'that you will--when I have chatted with +Comrade Bickersdyke.' + + + + +22. And Take Steps + + +On returning to the bank, Mike found Mr Waller in the grip of a +peculiarly varied set of mixed feelings. Shortly after Mike's departure +for the Mecca, the cashier had been summoned once more into the +Presence, and had there been informed that, as apparently he had not +been directly responsible for the gross piece of carelessness by which +the bank had suffered so considerable a loss (here Sir John puffed out +his cheeks like a meditative toad), the matter, as far as he was +concerned, was at an end. On the other hand--! Here Mr Waller was +hauled over the coals for Incredible Rashness in allowing a mere junior +subordinate to handle important tasks like the paying out of money, and +so on, till he felt raw all over. However, it was not dismissal. That +was the great thing. And his principal sensation was one of relief. + +Mingled with the relief were sympathy for Mike, gratitude to him for +having given himself up so promptly, and a curiously dazed sensation, +as if somebody had been hitting him on the head with a bolster. + +All of which emotions, taken simultaneously, had the effect of +rendering him completely dumb when he saw Mike. He felt that he did not +know what to say to him. And as Mike, for his part, simply wanted to be +let alone, and not compelled to talk, conversation was at something of +a standstill in the Cash Department. + +After five minutes, it occurred to Mr Waller that perhaps the best plan +would be to interview Psmith. Psmith would know exactly how matters +stood. He could not ask Mike point-blank whether he had been dismissed. +But there was the probability that Psmith had been informed and would +pass on the information. + +Psmith received the cashier with a dignified kindliness. + +'Oh, er, Smith,' said Mr Waller, 'I wanted just to ask you about +Jackson.' + +Psmith bowed his head gravely. + +'Exactly,' he said. 'Comrade Jackson. I think I may say that you have +come to the right man. Comrade Jackson has placed himself in my hands, +and I am dealing with his case. A somewhat tricky business, but I shall +see him through.' + +'Has he--?' Mr Waller hesitated. + +'You were saying?' said Psmith. + +'Does Mr Bickersdyke intend to dismiss him?' + +'At present,' admitted Psmith, 'there is some idea of that description +floating--nebulously, as it were--in Comrade Bickersdyke's mind. +Indeed, from what I gather from my client, the push was actually +administered, in so many words. But tush! And possibly bah! we know +what happens on these occasions, do we not? You and I are students of +human nature, and we know that a man of Comrade Bickersdyke's +warm-hearted type is apt to say in the heat of the moment a great deal +more than he really means. Men of his impulsive character cannot help +expressing themselves in times of stress with a certain generous +strength which those who do not understand them are inclined to take a +little too seriously. I shall have a chat with Comrade Bickersdyke at +the conclusion of the day's work, and I have no doubt that we shall +both laugh heartily over this little episode.' + +Mr Waller pulled at his beard, with an expression on his face that +seemed to suggest that he was not quite so confident on this point. He +was about to put his doubts into words when Mr Rossiter appeared, and +Psmith, murmuring something about duty, turned again to his ledger. The +cashier drifted back to his own department. + +It was one of Psmith's theories of Life, which he was accustomed to +propound to Mike in the small hours of the morning with his feet on the +mantelpiece, that the secret of success lay in taking advantage of +one's occasional slices of luck, in seizing, as it were, the happy +moment. When Mike, who had had the passage to write out ten times at +Wrykyn on one occasion as an imposition, reminded him that Shakespeare +had once said something about there being a tide in the affairs of men, +which, taken at the flood, &c., Psmith had acknowledged with an easy +grace that possibly Shakespeare _had_ got on to it first, and that +it was but one more proof of how often great minds thought alike. + +Though waiving his claim to the copyright of the maxim, he nevertheless +had a high opinion of it, and frequently acted upon it in the conduct +of his own life. + +Thus, when approaching the Senior Conservative Club at five o'clock +with the idea of finding Mr Bickersdyke there, he observed his quarry +entering the Turkish Baths which stand some twenty yards from the +club's front door, he acted on his maxim, and decided, instead of +waiting for the manager to finish his bath before approaching him on +the subject of Mike, to corner him in the Baths themselves. + +He gave Mr Bickersdyke five minutes' start. Then, reckoning that by +that time he would probably have settled down, he pushed open the door +and went in himself. And, having paid his money, and left his boots +with the boy at the threshold, he was rewarded by the sight of the +manager emerging from a box at the far end of the room, clad in the +mottled towels which the bather, irrespective of his personal taste in +dress, is obliged to wear in a Turkish bath. + +Psmith made for the same box. Mr Bickersdyke's clothes lay at the head +of one of the sofas, but nobody else had staked out a claim. Psmith +took possession of the sofa next to the manager's. Then, humming +lightly, he undressed, and made his way downstairs to the Hot Rooms. He +rather fancied himself in towels. There was something about them which +seemed to suit his figure. They gave him, he though, rather a +_debonnaire_ look. He paused for a moment before the looking-glass +to examine himself, with approval, then pushed open the door of the Hot +Rooms and went in. + + + + +23. Mr Bickersdyke Makes a Concession + + +Mr Bickersdyke was reclining in an easy-chair in the first room, +staring before him in the boiled-fish manner customary in a Turkish +Bath. Psmith dropped into the next seat with a cheery 'Good evening.' +The manager started as if some firm hand had driven a bradawl into him. +He looked at Psmith with what was intended to be a dignified stare. But +dignity is hard to achieve in a couple of parti-coloured towels. The +stare did not differ to any great extent from the conventional +boiled-fish look, alluded to above. + +Psmith settled himself comfortably in his chair. 'Fancy finding you +here,' he said pleasantly. 'We seem always to be meeting. To me,' he +added, with a reassuring smile, 'it is a great pleasure. A very great +pleasure indeed. We see too little of each other during office hours. +Not that one must grumble at that. Work before everything. You have +your duties, I mine. It is merely unfortunate that those duties are not +such as to enable us to toil side by side, encouraging each other with +word and gesture. However, it is idle to repine. We must make the most +of these chance meetings when the work of the day is over.' + +Mr Bickersdyke heaved himself up from his chair and took another at the +opposite end of the room. Psmith joined him. + +'There's something pleasantly mysterious, to my mind,' said he +chattily, 'in a Turkish Bath. It seems to take one out of the hurry and +bustle of the everyday world. It is a quiet backwater in the rushing +river of Life. I like to sit and think in a Turkish Bath. Except, of +course, when I have a congenial companion to talk to. As now. To me--' + +Mr Bickersdyke rose, and went into the next room. + +'To me,' continued Psmith, again following, and seating himself beside +the manager, 'there is, too, something eerie in these places. There is +a certain sinister air about the attendants. They glide rather than +walk. They say little. Who knows what they may be planning and +plotting? That drip-drip again. It may be merely water, but how are we +to know that it is not blood? It would be so easy to do away with a man +in a Turkish Bath. Nobody has seen him come in. Nobody can trace him if +he disappears. These are uncomfortable thoughts, Mr Bickersdyke.' + +Mr Bickersdyke seemed to think them so. He rose again, and returned to +the first room. + +'I have made you restless,' said Psmith, in a voice of self-reproach, +when he had settled himself once more by the manager's side. 'I am +sorry. I will not pursue the subject. Indeed, I believe that my fears +are unnecessary. Statistics show, I understand, that large numbers of +men emerge in safety every year from Turkish Baths. There was another +matter of which I wished to speak to you. It is a somewhat delicate +matter, and I am only encouraged to mention it to you by the fact that +you are so close a friend of my father's.' + +Mr Bickersdyke had picked up an early edition of an evening paper, left +on the table at his side by a previous bather, and was to all +appearances engrossed in it. Psmith, however, not discouraged, +proceeded to touch upon the matter of Mike. + +'There was,' he said, 'some little friction, I hear, in the office +today in connection with a cheque.' The evening paper hid the manager's +expressive face, but from the fact that the hands holding it tightened +their grip Psmith deduced that Mr Bickersdyke's attention was not +wholly concentrated on the City news. Moreover, his toes wriggled. And +when a man's toes wriggle, he is interested in what you are saying. + +'All these petty breezes,' continued Psmith sympathetically, 'must be +very trying to a man in your position, a man who wishes to be left +alone in order to devote his entire thought to the niceties of the +higher Finance. It is as if Napoleon, while planning out some intricate +scheme of campaign, were to be called upon in the midst of his +meditations to bully a private for not cleaning his buttons. Naturally, +you were annoyed. Your giant brain, wrenched temporarily from its +proper groove, expended its force in one tremendous reprimand of +Comrade Jackson. It was as if one had diverted some terrific electric +current which should have been controlling a vast system of machinery, +and turned it on to annihilate a black-beetle. In the present case, of +course, the result is as might have been expected. Comrade Jackson, not +realizing the position of affairs, went away with the absurd idea that +all was over, that you meant all you said--briefly, that his number was +up. I assured him that he was mistaken, but no! He persisted in +declaring that all was over, that you had dismissed him from the bank.' + +Mr Bickersdyke lowered the paper and glared bulbously at the old +Etonian. + +'Mr Jackson is perfectly right,' he snapped. 'Of course I dismissed +him.' + +'Yes, yes,' said Psmith, 'I have no doubt that at the moment you did +work the rapid push. What I am endeavouring to point out is that +Comrade Jackson is under the impression that the edict is permanent, +that he can hope for no reprieve.' + +'Nor can he.' + +'You don't mean--' + +'I mean what I say.' + +'Ah, I quite understand,' said Psmith, as one who sees that he must +make allowances. 'The incident is too recent. The storm has not yet had +time to expend itself. You have not had leisure to think the matter +over coolly. It is hard, of course, to be cool in a Turkish Bath. Your +ganglions are still vibrating. Later, perhaps--' + +'Once and for all,' growled Mr Bickersdyke, 'the thing is ended. Mr +Jackson will leave the bank at the end of the month. We have no room +for fools in the office.' + +'You surprise me,' said Psmith. 'I should not have thought that the +standard of intelligence in the bank was extremely high. With the +exception of our two selves, I think that there are hardly any men of +real intelligence on the staff. And comrade Jackson is improving every +day. Being, as he is, under my constant supervision he is rapidly +developing a stranglehold on his duties, which--' + +'I have no wish to discuss the matter any further.' + +'No, no. Quite so, quite so. Not another word. I am dumb.' + +'There are limits you see, to the uses of impertinence, Mr Smith.' + +Psmith started. + +'You are not suggesting--! You do not mean that I--!' + +'I have no more to say. I shall be glad if you will allow me to read my +paper.' + +Psmith waved a damp hand. + +'I should be the last man,' he said stiffly, 'to force my conversation +on another. I was under the impression that you enjoyed these little +chats as keenly as I did. If I was wrong--' + +He relapsed into a wounded silence. Mr Bickersdyke resumed his perusal +of the evening paper, and presently, laying it down, rose and made his +way to the room where muscular attendants were in waiting to perform +that blend of Jiu-Jitsu and Catch-as-catch-can which is the most +valuable and at the same time most painful part of a Turkish Bath. + +It was not till he was resting on his sofa, swathed from head to foot +in a sheet and smoking a cigarette, that he realized that Psmith was +sharing his compartment. + +He made the unpleasant discovery just as he had finished his first +cigarette and lighted his second. He was blowing out the match when +Psmith, accompanied by an attendant, appeared in the doorway, and +proceeded to occupy the next sofa to himself. All that feeling of +dreamy peace, which is the reward one receives for allowing oneself to +be melted like wax and kneaded like bread, left him instantly. He felt +hot and annoyed. To escape was out of the question. Once one has been +scientifically wrapped up by the attendant and placed on one's sofa, +one is a fixture. He lay scowling at the ceiling, resolved to combat +all attempt at conversation with a stony silence. + +Psmith, however, did not seem to desire conversation. He lay on his +sofa motionless for a quarter of an hour, then reached out for a large +book which lay on the table, and began to read. + +When he did speak, he seemed to be speaking to himself. Every now and +then he would murmur a few words, sometimes a single name. In spite of +himself, Mr Bickersdyke found himself listening. + +At first the murmurs conveyed nothing to him. Then suddenly a name +caught his ear. Strowther was the name, and somehow it suggested +something to him. He could not say precisely what. It seemed to touch +some chord of memory. He knew no one of the name of Strowther. He was +sure of that. And yet it was curiously familiar. An unusual name, too. +He could not help feeling that at one time he must have known it quite +well. + +'Mr Strowther,' murmured Psmith, 'said that the hon. gentleman's +remarks would have been nothing short of treason, if they had not been +so obviously the mere babblings of an irresponsible lunatic. Cries of +"Order, order," and a voice, "Sit down, fat-head!"' + +For just one moment Mr Bickersdyke's memory poised motionless, like a +hawk about to swoop. Then it darted at the mark. Everything came to him +in a flash. The hands of the clock whizzed back. He was no longer Mr +John Bickersdyke, manager of the London branch of the New Asiatic Bank, +lying on a sofa in the Cumberland Street Turkish Baths. He was Jack +Bickersdyke, clerk in the employ of Messrs Norton and Biggleswade, +standing on a chair and shouting 'Order! order!' in the Masonic Room of +the 'Red Lion' at Tulse Hill, while the members of the Tulse Hill +Parliament, divided into two camps, yelled at one another, and young +Tom Barlow, in his official capacity as Mister Speaker, waved his arms +dumbly, and banged the table with his mallet in his efforts to restore +calm. + +He remembered the whole affair as if it had happened yesterday. It had +been a speech of his own which had called forth the above expression of +opinion from Strowther. He remembered Strowther now, a pale, spectacled +clerk in Baxter and Abrahams, an inveterate upholder of the throne, the +House of Lords and all constituted authority. Strowther had objected to +the socialistic sentiments of his speech in connection with the Budget, +and there had been a disturbance unparalleled even in the Tulse Hill +Parliament, where disturbances were frequent and loud.... + +Psmith looked across at him with a bright smile. 'They report you +verbatim,' he said. 'And rightly. A more able speech I have seldom +read. I like the bit where you call the Royal Family "blood-suckers". +Even then, it seems you knew how to express yourself fluently and +well.' + +Mr Bickersdyke sat up. The hands of the clock had moved again, and he +was back in what Psmith had called the live, vivid present. + +'What have you got there?' he demanded. + +'It is a record,' said Psmith, 'of the meeting of an institution called +the Tulse Hill Parliament. A bright, chatty little institution, too, if +one may judge by these reports. You in particular, if I may say so, +appear to have let yourself go with refreshing vim. Your political +views have changed a great deal since those days, have they not? It is +extremely interesting. A most fascinating study for political students. +When I send these speeches of yours to the _Clarion_--' + +Mr Bickersdyke bounded on his sofa. + +'What!' he cried. + +'I was saying,' said Psmith, 'that the _Clarion_ will probably +make a most interesting comparison between these speeches and those you +have been making at Kenningford.' + +'I--I--I forbid you to make any mention of these speeches.' + +Psmith hesitated. + +'It would be great fun seeing what the papers said,' he protested. + +'Great fun!' + +'It is true,' mused Psmith, 'that in a measure, it would dish you at +the election. From what I saw of those light-hearted lads at +Kenningford the other night, I should say they would be so amused that +they would only just have enough strength left to stagger to the poll +and vote for your opponent.' + +Mr Bickersdyke broke out into a cold perspiration. + +'I forbid you to send those speeches to the papers,' he cried. + +Psmith reflected. + +'You see,' he said at last, 'it is like this. The departure of Comrade +Jackson, my confidential secretary and adviser, is certain to plunge me +into a state of the deepest gloom. The only way I can see at present by +which I can ensure even a momentary lightening of the inky cloud is the +sending of these speeches to some bright paper like the _Clarion._ +I feel certain that their comments would wring, at any rate, a sad, +sweet smile from me. Possibly even a hearty laugh. I must, therefore, +look on these very able speeches of yours in something of the light of +an antidote. They will stand between me and black depression. Without +them I am in the cart. With them I may possibly buoy myself up.' + +Mr Bickersdyke shifted uneasily on his sofa. He glared at the floor. +Then he eyed the ceiling as if it were a personal enemy of his. Finally +he looked at Psmith. Psmith's eyes were closed in peaceful meditation. + +'Very well,' said he at last. 'Jackson shall stop.' + +Psmith came out of his thoughts with a start. 'You were observing--?' +he said. + +'I shall not dismiss Jackson,' said Mr Bickersdyke. + +Psmith smiled winningly. + +'Just as I had hoped,' he said. 'Your very justifiable anger melts +before reflection. The storm subsides, and you are at leisure to +examine the matter dispassionately. Doubts begin to creep in. Possibly, +you say to yourself, I have been too hasty, too harsh. Justice must be +tempered with mercy. I have caught Comrade Jackson bending, you add +(still to yourself), but shall I press home my advantage too +ruthlessly? No, you cry, I will abstain. And I applaud your action. I +like to see this spirit of gentle toleration. It is bracing and +comforting. As for these excellent speeches,' he added, 'I shall, of +course, no longer have any need of their consolation. I can lay them +aside. The sunlight can now enter and illumine my life through more +ordinary channels. The cry goes round, "Psmith is himself again."' + +Mr Bickersdyke said nothing. Unless a snort of fury may be counted as +anything. + + + + +24. The Spirit of Unrest + + +During the following fortnight, two things happened which materially +altered Mike's position in the bank. + +The first was that Mr Bickersdyke was elected a member of Parliament. +He got in by a small majority amidst scenes of disorder of a nature +unusual even in Kenningford. Psmith, who went down on the polling-day +to inspect the revels and came back with his hat smashed in, reported +that, as far as he could see, the electors of Kenningford seemed to be +in just that state of happy intoxication which might make them vote for +Mr Bickersdyke by mistake. Also it had been discovered, on the eve of +the poll, that the bank manager's opponent, in his youth, had been +educated at a school in Germany, and had subsequently spent two years +at Heidelberg University. These damaging revelations were having a +marked effect on the warm-hearted patriots of Kenningford, who were now +referring to the candidate in thick but earnest tones as 'the German +Spy'. + +'So that taking everything into consideration,' said Psmith, summing +up, 'I fancy that Comrade Bickersdyke is home.' + +And the papers next day proved that he was right. + +'A hundred and fifty-seven,' said Psmith, as he read his paper at +breakfast. 'Not what one would call a slashing victory. It is fortunate +for Comrade Bickersdyke, I think, that I did not send those very able +speeches of his to the _Clarion'_. + +Till now Mike had been completely at a loss to understand why the +manager had sent for him on the morning following the scene about the +cheque, and informed him that he had reconsidered his decision to +dismiss him. Mike could not help feeling that there was more in the +matter than met the eye. Mr Bickersdyke had not spoken as if it gave +him any pleasure to reprieve him. On the contrary, his manner was +distinctly brusque. Mike was thoroughly puzzled. To Psmith's statement, +that he had talked the matter over quietly with the manager and brought +things to a satisfactory conclusion, he had paid little attention. But +now he began to see light. + +'Great Scott, Smith,' he said, 'did you tell him you'd send those +speeches to the papers if he sacked me?' + +Psmith looked at him through his eye-glass, and helped himself to +another piece of toast. + +'I am unable,' he said, 'to recall at this moment the exact terms of +the very pleasant conversation I had with Comrade Bickersdyke on the +occasion of our chance meeting in the Turkish Bath that afternoon; but, +thinking things over quietly now that I have more leisure, I cannot +help feeling that he may possibly have read some such intention into my +words. You know how it is in these little chats, Comrade Jackson. One +leaps to conclusions. Some casual word I happened to drop may have +given him the idea you mention. At this distance of time it is +impossible to say with any certainty. Suffice it that all has ended +well. He _did_ reconsider his resolve. I shall be only too happy +if it turns out that the seed of the alteration in his views was sown +by some careless word of mine. Perhaps we shall never know.' + +Mike was beginning to mumble some awkward words of thanks, when Psmith +resumed his discourse. + +'Be that as it may, however,' he said, 'we cannot but perceive that +Comrade Bickersdyke's election has altered our position to some extent. +As you have pointed out, he may have been influenced in this recent +affair by some chance remark of mine about those speeches. Now, +however, they will cease to be of any value. Now that he is elected he +has nothing to lose by their publication. I mention this by way of +indicating that it is possible that, if another painful episode occurs, +he may be more ruthless.' + +'I see what you mean,' said Mike. 'If he catches me on the hop again, +he'll simply go ahead and sack me.' + +'That,' said Psmith, 'is more or less the position of affairs.' + +The other event which altered Mike's life in the bank was his removal +from Mr Waller's department to the Fixed Deposits. The work in the +Fixed Deposits was less pleasant, and Mr Gregory, the head of the +department was not of Mr Waller's type. Mr Gregory, before joining the +home-staff of the New Asiatic Bank, had spent a number of years with a +firm in the Far East, where he had acquired a liver and a habit of +addressing those under him in a way that suggested the mate of a tramp +steamer. Even on the days when his liver was not troubling him, he was +truculent. And when, as usually happened, it did trouble him, he was a +perfect fountain of abuse. Mike and he hated each other from the first. +The work in the Fixed Deposits was not really difficult, when you got +the hang of it, but there was a certain amount of confusion in it to a +beginner; and Mike, in commercial matters, was as raw a beginner as +ever began. In the two other departments through which he had passed, +he had done tolerably well. As regarded his work in the Postage +Department, stamping letters and taking them down to the post office +was just about his form. It was the sort of work on which he could +really get a grip. And in the Cash Department, Mr Waller's mild +patience had helped him through. But with Mr Gregory it was different. +Mike hated being shouted at. It confused him. And Mr Gregory invariably +shouted. He always spoke as if he were competing against a high wind. +With Mike he shouted more than usual. On his side, it must be admitted +that Mike was something out of the common run of bank clerks. The whole +system of banking was a horrid mystery to him. He did not understand +why things were done, or how the various departments depended on and +dove-tailed into one another. Each department seemed to him something +separate and distinct. Why they were all in the same building at all he +never really gathered. He knew that it could not be purely from motives +of sociability, in order that the clerks might have each other's +company during slack spells. That much he suspected, but beyond that he +was vague. + +It naturally followed that, after having grown, little by little, under +Mr Waller's easy-going rule, to enjoy life in the bank, he now suffered +a reaction. Within a day of his arrival in the Fixed Deposits he was +loathing the place as earnestly as he had loathed it on the first +morning. + +Psmith, who had taken his place in the Cash Department, reported that +Mr Waller was inconsolable at his loss. + +'I do my best to cheer him up,' he said, 'and he smiles bravely every +now and then. But when he thinks I am not looking, his head droops and +that wistful expression comes into his face. The sunshine has gone out +of his life.' + +It had just come into Mike's, and, more than anything else, was making +him restless and discontented. That is to say, it was now late spring: +the sun shone cheerfully on the City; and cricket was in the air. And +that was the trouble. + +In the dark days, when everything was fog and slush, Mike had been +contented enough to spend his mornings and afternoons in the bank, and +go about with Psmith at night. Under such conditions, London is the +best place in which to be, and the warmth and light of the bank were +pleasant. + +But now things had changed. The place had become a prison. With all the +energy of one who had been born and bred in the country, Mike hated +having to stay indoors on days when all the air was full of approaching +summer. There were mornings when it was almost more than he could do to +push open the swing doors, and go out of the fresh air into the stuffy +atmosphere of the bank. + +The days passed slowly, and the cricket season began. Instead of being +a relief, this made matters worse. The little cricket he could get only +made him want more. It was as if a starving man had been given a +handful of wafer biscuits. + +If the summer had been wet, he might have been less restless. But, as +it happened, it was unusually fine. After a week of cold weather at the +beginning of May, a hot spell set in. May passed in a blaze of +sunshine. Large scores were made all over the country. + +Mike's name had been down for the M.C.C. for some years, and he had +become a member during his last season at Wrykyn. Once or twice a week +he managed to get up to Lord's for half an hour's practice at the nets; +and on Saturdays the bank had matches, in which he generally managed to +knock the cover off rather ordinary club bowling. But it was not enough +for him. + +June came, and with it more sunshine. The atmosphere of the bank seemed +more oppressive than ever. + + + + +25. At the Telephone + + +If one looks closely into those actions which are apparently due to +sudden impulse, one generally finds that the sudden impulse was merely +the last of a long series of events which led up to the action. Alone, +it would not have been powerful enough to effect anything. But, coming +after the way has been paved for it, it is irresistible. The hooligan +who bonnets a policeman is apparently the victim of a sudden impulse. +In reality, however, the bonneting is due to weeks of daily encounters +with the constable, at each of which meetings the dislike for his +helmet and the idea of smashing it in grow a little larger, till +finally they blossom into the deed itself. + +This was what happened in Mike's case. Day by day, through the summer, +as the City grew hotter and stuffier, his hatred of the bank became +more and more the thought that occupied his mind. It only needed a +moderately strong temptation to make him break out and take the +consequences. + +Psmith noticed his restlessness and endeavoured to soothe it. + +'All is not well,' he said, 'with Comrade Jackson, the Sunshine of the +Home. I note a certain wanness of the cheek. The peach-bloom of your +complexion is no longer up to sample. Your eye is wild; your merry +laugh no longer rings through the bank, causing nervous customers to +leap into the air with startled exclamations. You have the manner of +one whose only friend on earth is a yellow dog, and who has lost the +dog. Why is this, Comrade Jackson?' + +They were talking in the flat at Clement's Inn. The night was hot. +Through the open windows the roar of the Strand sounded faintly. Mike +walked to the window and looked out. + +'I'm sick of all this rot,' he said shortly. + +Psmith shot an inquiring glance at him, but said nothing. This +restlessness of Mike's was causing him a good deal of inconvenience, +which he bore in patient silence, hoping for better times. With Mike +obviously discontented and out of tune with all the world, there was +but little amusement to be extracted from the evenings now. Mike did +his best to be cheerful, but he could not shake off the caged feeling +which made him restless. + +'What rot it all is!' went on Mike, sitting down again. 'What's the +good of it all? You go and sweat all day at a desk, day after day, for +about twopence a year. And when you're about eighty-five, you retire. +It isn't living at all. It's simply being a bally vegetable.' + +'You aren't hankering, by any chance, to be a pirate of the Spanish +main, or anything like that, are you?' inquired Psmith. + +'And all this rot about going out East,' continued Mike. 'What's the +good of going out East?' + +'I gather from casual chit-chat in the office that one becomes +something of a blood when one goes out East,' said Psmith. 'Have +a dozen native clerks under you, all looking up to you as the Last +Word in magnificence, and end by marrying the Governor's daughter.' + +'End by getting some foul sort of fever, more likely, and being booted +out as no further use to the bank.' + +'You look on the gloomy side, Comrade Jackson. I seem to see you +sitting in an armchair, fanned by devoted coolies, telling some Eastern +potentate that you can give him five minutes. I understand that being +in a bank in the Far East is one of the world's softest jobs. Millions +of natives hang on your lightest word. Enthusiastic rajahs draw you +aside and press jewels into your hand as a token of respect and esteem. +When on an elephant's back you pass, somebody beats on a booming brass +gong! The Banker of Bhong! Isn't your generous young heart stirred to +any extent by the prospect? I am given to understand--' + +'I've a jolly good mind to chuck up the whole thing and become a pro. +I've got a birth qualification for Surrey. It's about the only thing I +could do any good at.' + +Psmith's manner became fatherly. + +'_You're_ all right,' he said. 'The hot weather has given you that +tired feeling. What you want is a change of air. We will pop down +together hand in hand this week-end to some seaside resort. You shall +build sand castles, while I lie on the beach and read the paper. In the +evening we will listen to the band, or stroll on the esplanade, not so +much because we want to, as to give the natives a treat. Possibly, if +the weather continues warm, we may even paddle. A vastly exhilarating +pastime, I am led to believe, and so strengthening for the ankles. And +on Monday morning we will return, bronzed and bursting with health, to +our toil once more.' + +'I'm going to bed,' said Mike, rising. + +Psmith watched him lounge from the room, and shook his head sadly. All +was not well with his confidential secretary and adviser. + +The next day, which was a Thursday, found Mike no more reconciled to +the prospect of spending from ten till five in the company of Mr +Gregory and the ledgers. He was silent at breakfast, and Psmith, seeing +that things were still wrong, abstained from conversation. Mike propped +the _Sportsman_ up against the hot-water jug, and read the cricket +news. His county, captained by brother Joe, had, as he had learned +already from yesterday's evening paper, beaten Sussex by five wickets +at Brighton. Today they were due to play Middlesex at Lord's. Mike +thought that he would try to get off early, and go and see some of the +first day's play. + +As events turned out, he got off a good deal earlier, and saw a good +deal more of the first day's play than he had anticipated. + +He had just finished the preliminary stages of the morning's work, +which consisted mostly of washing his hands, changing his coat, and +eating a section of a pen-holder, when William, the messenger, +approached. + +'You're wanted on the 'phone, Mr Jackson.' + +The New Asiatic Bank, unlike the majority of London banks, was on the +telephone, a fact which Psmith found a great convenience when securing +seats at the theatre. Mike went to the box and took up the receiver. + +'Hullo!' he said. + +'Who's that?' said an agitated voice. 'Is that you, Mike? I'm Joe.' + +'Hullo, Joe,' said Mike. 'What's up? I'm coming to see you this +evening. I'm going to try and get off early.' + +'Look here, Mike, are you busy at the bank just now?' + +'Not at the moment. There's never anything much going on before +eleven.' + +'I mean, are you busy today? Could you possibly manage to get off and +play for us against Middlesex?' + +Mike nearly dropped the receiver. + +'What?' he cried. + +'There's been the dickens of a mix-up. We're one short, and you're our +only hope. We can't possibly get another man in the time. We start in +half an hour. Can you play?' + +For the space of, perhaps, one minute, Mike thought. + +'Well?' said Joe's voice. + +The sudden vision of Lord's ground, all green and cool in the morning +sunlight, was too much for Mike's resolution, sapped as it was by days +of restlessness. The feeling surged over him that whatever happened +afterwards, the joy of the match in perfect weather on a perfect wicket +would make it worth while. What did it matter what happened afterwards? + +'All right, Joe,' he said. 'I'll hop into a cab now, and go and get my +things.' + +'Good man,' said Joe, hugely relieved. + + + + +26. Breaking The News + + +Dashing away from the call-box, Mike nearly cannoned into Psmith, who +was making his way pensively to the telephone with the object of +ringing up the box office of the Haymarket Theatre. + +'Sorry,' said Mike. 'Hullo, Smith.' + +'Hullo indeed,' said Psmith, courteously. 'I rejoice, Comrade Jackson, +to find you going about your commercial duties like a young bomb. How +is it, people repeatedly ask me, that Comrade Jackson contrives to +catch his employer's eye and win the friendly smile from the head of +his department? My reply is that where others walk, Comrade Jackson +runs. Where others stroll, Comrade Jackson legs it like a highly-trained +mustang of the prairie. He does not loiter. He gets back to his department +bathed in perspiration, in level time. He--' + +'I say, Smith,' said Mike, 'you might do me a favour.' + +'A thousand. Say on.' + +'Just look in at the Fixed Deposits and tell old Gregory that I shan't +be with him today, will you? I haven't time myself. I must rush!' + +Psmith screwed his eyeglass into his eye, and examined Mike carefully. + +'What exactly--?' be began. + +'Tell the old ass I've popped off.' + +'Just so, just so,' murmured Psmith, as one who assents to a thoroughly +reasonable proposition. 'Tell him you have popped off. It shall be +done. But it is within the bounds of possibility that Comrade Gregory +may inquire further. Could you give me some inkling as to why you are +popping?' + +'My brother Joe has just rung me up from Lords. The county are playing +Middlesex and they're one short. He wants me to roll up.' + +Psmith shook his head sadly. + +'I don't wish to interfere in any way,' he said, 'but I suppose you +realize that, by acting thus, you are to some extent knocking the +stuffing out of your chances of becoming manager of this bank? If you +dash off now, I shouldn't count too much on that marrying the +Governor's daughter scheme I sketched out for you last night. I doubt +whether this is going to help you to hold the gorgeous East in fee, and +all that sort of thing.' + +'Oh, dash the gorgeous East.' + +'By all means,' said Psmith obligingly. 'I just thought I'd mention it. +I'll look in at Lord's this afternoon. I shall send my card up to you, +and trust to your sympathetic cooperation to enable me to effect an +entry into the pavilion on my face. My father is coming up to London +today. I'll bring him along, too.' + +'Right ho. Dash it, it's twenty to. So long. See you at Lord's.' + +Psmith looked after his retreating form till it had vanished through +the swing-door, and shrugged his shoulders resignedly, as if +disclaiming all responsibility. + +'He has gone without his hat,' he murmured. 'It seems to me that this +is practically a case of running amok. And now to break the news to +bereaved Comrade Gregory.' + +He abandoned his intention of ringing up the Haymarket Theatre, and +turning away from the call-box, walked meditatively down the aisle till +he came to the Fixed Deposits Department, where the top of Mr Gregory's +head was to be seen over the glass barrier, as he applied himself to +his work. + +Psmith, resting his elbows on the top of the barrier and holding his +head between his hands, eyed the absorbed toiler for a moment in +silence, then emitted a hollow groan. + +Mr Gregory, who was ruling a line in a ledger--most of the work in the +Fixed Deposits Department consisted of ruling lines in ledgers, +sometimes in black ink, sometimes in red--started as if he had been +stung, and made a complete mess of the ruled line. He lifted a fiery, +bearded face, and met Psmith's eye, which shone with kindly sympathy. + +He found words. + +'What the dickens are you standing there for, mooing like a blanked +cow?' he inquired. + +'I was groaning,' explained Psmith with quiet dignity. 'And why was I +groaning?' he continued. 'Because a shadow has fallen on the Fixed +Deposits Department. Comrade Jackson, the Pride of the Office, has +gone.' + +Mr Gregory rose from his seat. + +'I don't know who the dickens you are--' he began. + +'I am Psmith,' said the old Etonian, + +'Oh, you're Smith, are you?' + +'With a preliminary P. Which, however, is not sounded.' + +'And what's all this dashed nonsense about Jackson?' + +'He is gone. Gone like the dew from the petal of a rose.' + +'Gone! Where's he gone to?' + +'Lord's.' + +'What lord's?' + +Psmith waved his hand gently. + +'You misunderstand me. Comrade Jackson has not gone to mix with any +member of our gay and thoughtless aristocracy. He has gone to Lord's +cricket ground.' + +Mr Gregory's beard bristled even more than was its wont. + +'What!' he roared. 'Gone to watch a cricket match! Gone--!' + +'Not to watch. To play. An urgent summons I need not say. Nothing but +an urgent summons could have wrenched him from your very delightful +society, I am sure.' + +Mr Gregory glared. + +'I don't want any of your impudence,' he said. + +Psmith nodded gravely. + +'We all have these curious likes and dislikes,' he said tolerantly. +'You do not like my impudence. Well, well, some people don't. And now, +having broken the sad news, I will return to my own department.' + +'Half a minute. You come with me and tell this yarn of yours to Mr +Bickersdyke.' + +'You think it would interest, amuse him? Perhaps you are right. Let us +buttonhole Comrade Bickersdyke.' + +Mr Bickersdyke was disengaged. The head of the Fixed Deposits +Department stumped into the room. Psmith followed at a more leisurely +pace. + +'Allow me,' he said with a winning smile, as Mr Gregory opened his +mouth to speak, 'to take this opportunity of congratulating you on your +success at the election. A narrow but well-deserved victory.' + +There was nothing cordial in the manager's manner. + +'What do you want?' he said. + +'Myself, nothing,' said Psmith. 'But I understand that Mr Gregory has +some communication to make.' + +'Tell Mr Bickersdyke that story of yours,' said Mr Gregory. + +'Surely,' said Psmith reprovingly, 'this is no time for anecdotes. Mr +Bickersdyke is busy. He--' + +'Tell him what you told me about Jackson.' + +Mr Bickersdyke looked up inquiringly. + +'Jackson,' said Psmith, 'has been obliged to absent himself from work +today owing to an urgent summons from his brother, who, I understand, +has suffered a bereavement.' + +'It's a lie,' roared Mr Gregory. 'You told me yourself he'd gone to +play in a cricket match.' + +'True. As I said, he received an urgent summons from his brother.' + +'What about the bereavement, then?' + +'The team was one short. His brother was very distressed about it. What +could Comrade Jackson do? Could he refuse to help his brother when it +was in his power? His generous nature is a byword. He did the only +possible thing. He consented to play.' + +Mr Bickersdyke spoke. + +'Am I to understand,' he asked, with sinister calm, 'that Mr Jackson +has left his work and gone off to play in a cricket match?' + +'Something of that sort has, I believe, happened,' said Psmith. 'He +knew, of course,' he added, bowing gracefully in Mr Gregory's +direction, 'that he was leaving his work in thoroughly competent +hands.' + +'Thank you,' said Mr Bickersdyke. 'That will do. You will help Mr +Gregory in his department for the time being, Mr Smith. I will arrange +for somebody to take your place in your own department.' + +'It will be a pleasure,' murmured Psmith. + +'Show Mr Smith what he has to do, Mr Gregory,' said the manager. + +They left the room. + +'How curious, Comrade Gregory,' mused Psmith, as they went, 'are the +workings of Fate! A moment back, and your life was a blank. Comrade +Jackson, that prince of Fixed Depositors, had gone. How, you said to +yourself despairingly, can his place be filled? Then the cloud broke, +and the sun shone out again. _I_ came to help you. What you lose +on the swings, you make up on the roundabouts. Now show me what I have +to do, and then let us make this department sizzle. You have drawn a +good ticket, Comrade Gregory.' + + + + +27. At Lord's + + +Mike got to Lord's just as the umpires moved out into the field. He +raced round to the pavilion. Joe met him on the stairs. + +'It's all right,' he said. 'No hurry. We've won the toss. I've put you +in fourth wicket.' + +'Right ho,' said Mike. 'Glad we haven't to field just yet.' + +'We oughtn't to have to field today if we don't chuck our wickets +away.' + +'Good wicket?' + +'Like a billiard-table. I'm glad you were able to come. Have any +difficulty in getting away?' + +Joe Jackson's knowledge of the workings of a bank was of the slightest. +He himself had never, since he left Oxford, been in a position where +there were obstacles to getting off to play in first-class cricket. By +profession he was agent to a sporting baronet whose hobby was the +cricket of the county, and so, far from finding any difficulty in +playing for the county, he was given to understand by his employer that +that was his chief duty. It never occurred to him that Mike might find +his bank less amenable in the matter of giving leave. His only fear, +when he rang Mike up that morning, had been that this might be a +particularly busy day at the New Asiatic Bank. If there was no special +rush of work, he took it for granted that Mike would simply go to the +manager, ask for leave to play in the match, and be given it with a +beaming smile. + +Mike did not answer the question, but asked one on his own account. + +'How did you happen to be short?' he said. + +'It was rotten luck. It was like this. We were altering our team after +the Sussex match, to bring in Ballard, Keene, and Willis. They couldn't +get down to Brighton, as the 'Varsity had a match, but there was +nothing on for them in the last half of the week, so they'd promised to +roll up.' + +Ballard, Keene, and Willis were members of the Cambridge team, all very +capable performers and much in demand by the county, when they could +get away to play for it. + +'Well?' said Mike. + +'Well, we all came up by train from Brighton last night. But these +three asses had arranged to motor down from Cambridge early today, and +get here in time for the start. What happens? Why, Willis, who fancies +himself as a chauffeur, undertakes to do the driving; and naturally, +being an absolute rotter, goes and smashes up the whole concern just +outside St Albans. The first thing I knew of it was when I got to +Lord's at half past ten, and found a wire waiting for me to say that +they were all three of them crocked, and couldn't possibly play. I tell +you, it was a bit of a jar to get half an hour before the match +started. Willis has sprained his ankle, apparently; Keene's damaged his +wrist; and Ballard has smashed his collar-bone. I don't suppose they'll +be able to play in the 'Varsity match. Rotten luck for Cambridge. Well, +fortunately we'd had two reserve pros, with us at Brighton, who had +come up to London with the team in case they might be wanted, so, with +them, we were only one short. Then I thought of you. That's how it +was.' + +'I see,' said Mike. 'Who are the pros?' + +'Davis and Brockley. Both bowlers. It weakens our batting a lot. +Ballard or Willis might have got a stack of runs on this wicket. Still, +we've got a certain amount of batting as it is. We oughtn't to do +badly, if we're careful. You've been getting some practice, I suppose, +this season?' + +'In a sort of a way. Nets and so on. No matches of any importance.' + +'Dash it, I wish you'd had a game or two in decent class cricket. +Still, nets are better than nothing, I hope you'll be in form. We may +want a pretty long knock from you, if things go wrong. These men seem +to be settling down all right, thank goodness,' he added, looking out +of the window at the county's first pair, Warrington and Mills, two +professionals, who, as the result of ten minutes' play, had put up +twenty. + +'I'd better go and change,' said Mike, picking up his bag. 'You're in +first wicket, I suppose?' + +'Yes. And Reggie, second wicket.' + +Reggie was another of Mike's brothers, not nearly so fine a player as +Joe, but a sound bat, who generally made runs if allowed to stay in. + +Mike changed, and went out into the little balcony at the top of the +pavilion. He had it to himself. There were not many spectators in the +pavilion at this early stage of the game. + +There are few more restful places, if one wishes to think, than the +upper balconies of Lord's pavilion. Mike, watching the game making its +leisurely progress on the turf below, set himself seriously to review +the situation in all its aspects. The exhilaration of bursting the +bonds had begun to fade, and he found himself able to look into the +matter of his desertion and weigh up the consequences. There was no +doubt that he had cut the painter once and for all. Even a +friendly-disposed management could hardly overlook what he had done. +And the management of the New Asiatic Bank was the very reverse of +friendly. Mr Bickersdyke, he knew, would jump at this chance of getting +rid of him. He realized that he must look on his career in the bank as +a closed book. It was definitely over, and he must now think about the +future. + +It was not a time for half-measures. He could not go home. He must +carry the thing through, now that he had begun, and find something +definite to do, to support himself. + +There seemed only one opening for him. What could he do, he asked +himself. Just one thing. He could play cricket. It was by his cricket +that he must live. He would have to become a professional. Could he get +taken on? That was the question. It was impossible that he should play +for his own county on his residential qualification. He could not +appear as a professional in the same team in which his brothers were +playing as amateurs. He must stake all on his birth qualification for +Surrey. + +On the other hand, had he the credentials which Surrey would want? He +had a school reputation. But was that enough? He could not help feeling +that it might not be. + +Thinking it over more tensely than he had ever thought over anything in +his whole life, he saw clearly that everything depended on what sort of +show he made in this match which was now in progress. It was his big +chance. If he succeeded, all would be well. He did not care to think +what his position would be if he did not succeed. + +A distant appeal and a sound of clapping from the crowd broke in on his +thoughts. Mills was out, caught at the wicket. The telegraph-board gave +the total as forty-eight. Not sensational. The success of the team +depended largely on what sort of a start the two professionals made. + +The clapping broke out again as Joe made his way down the steps. Joe, +as an All England player, was a favourite with the crowd. + +Mike watched him play an over in his strong, graceful style: then it +suddenly occurred to him that he would like to know how matters had +gone at the bank in his absence. + +He went down to the telephone, rang up the bank, and asked for Psmith. + +Presently the familiar voice made itself heard. + +'Hullo, Smith.' + +'Hullo. Is that Comrade Jackson? How are things progressing?' + +'Fairly well. We're in first. We've lost one wicket, and the fifty's +just up. I say, what's happened at the bank?' + +'I broke the news to Comrade Gregory. A charming personality. I feel +that we shall be friends.' + +'Was he sick?' + +'In a measure, yes. Indeed, I may say he practically foamed at the +mouth. I explained the situation, but he was not to be appeased. He +jerked me into the presence of Comrade Bickersdyke, with whom I had a +brief but entertaining chat. He had not a great deal to say, but he +listened attentively to my narrative, and eventually told me off to +take your place in the Fixed Deposits. That melancholy task I am now +performing to the best of my ability. I find the work a little trying. +There is too much ledger-lugging to be done for my simple tastes. I +have been hauling ledgers from the safe all the morning. The cry is +beginning to go round, "Psmith is willing, but can his physique stand +the strain?" In the excitement of the moment just now I dropped a +somewhat massive tome on to Comrade Gregory's foot, unfortunately, I +understand, the foot in which he has of late been suffering twinges of +gout. I passed the thing off with ready tact, but I cannot deny that +there was a certain temporary coolness, which, indeed, is not yet past. +These things, Comrade Jackson, are the whirlpools in the quiet stream +of commercial life.' + +'Have I got the sack?' + +'No official pronouncement has been made to me as yet on the subject, +but I think I should advise you, if you are offered another job in the +course of the day, to accept it. I cannot say that you are precisely +the pet of the management just at present. However, I have ideas for +your future, which I will divulge when we meet. I propose to slide +coyly from the office at about four o'clock. I am meeting my father at +that hour. We shall come straight on to Lord's.' + +'Right ho,' said Mike. 'I'll be looking out for you.' + +'Is there any little message I can give Comrade Gregory from you?' + +'You can give him my love, if you like.' + +'It shall be done. Good-bye.' + +'Good-bye.' + +Mike replaced the receiver, and went up to his balcony again. + +As soon as his eye fell on the telegraph-board he saw with a start that +things had been moving rapidly in his brief absence. The numbers of the +batsmen on the board were three and five. + +'Great Scott!' he cried. 'Why, I'm in next. What on earth's been +happening?' + +He put on his pads hurriedly, expecting every moment that a wicket +would fall and find him unprepared. But the batsmen were still together +when he rose, ready for the fray, and went downstairs to get news. + +He found his brother Reggie in the dressing-room. + +'What's happened?' he said. 'How were you out?' + +'L.b.w.,' said Reggie. 'Goodness knows how it happened. My eyesight +must be going. I mistimed the thing altogether.' + +'How was Warrington out?' + +'Caught in the slips.' + +'By Jove!' said Mike. 'This is pretty rocky. Three for sixty-one. We +shall get mopped.' + +'Unless you and Joe do something. There's no earthly need to get out. +The wicket's as good as you want, and the bowling's nothing special. +Well played, Joe!' + +A beautiful glide to leg by the greatest of the Jacksons had rolled up +against the pavilion rails. The fieldsmen changed across for the next +over. + +'If only Peters stops a bit--' began Mike, and broke off. Peters' off +stump was lying at an angle of forty-five degrees. + +'Well, he hasn't,' said Reggie grimly. 'Silly ass, why did he hit at +that one? All he'd got to do was to stay in with Joe. Now it's up to +you. Do try and do something, or we'll be out under the hundred.' + +Mike waited till the outcoming batsman had turned in at the +professionals' gate. Then he walked down the steps and out into the +open, feeling more nervous than he had felt since that far-off day when +he had first gone in to bat for Wrykyn against the M.C.C. He found his +thoughts flying back to that occasion. Today, as then, everything +seemed very distant and unreal. The spectators were miles away. He had +often been to Lord's as a spectator, but the place seemed entirely +unfamiliar now. He felt as if he were in a strange land. + +He was conscious of Joe leaving the crease to meet him on his way. He +smiled feebly. 'Buck up,' said Joe in that robust way of his which was +so heartening. 'Nothing in the bowling, and the wicket like a shirt-front. +Play just as if you were at the nets. And for goodness' sake don't try to +score all your runs in the first over. Stick in, and we've got them.' + +Mike smiled again more feebly than before, and made a weird gurgling +noise in his throat. + +It had been the Middlesex fast bowler who had destroyed Peters. Mike +was not sorry. He did not object to fast bowling. He took guard, and +looked round him, taking careful note of the positions of the slips. + +As usual, once he was at the wicket the paralysed feeling left him. He +became conscious again of his power. Dash it all, what was there to be +afraid of? He was a jolly good bat, and he would jolly well show them +that he was, too. + +The fast bowler, with a preliminary bound, began his run. Mike settled +himself into position, his whole soul concentrated on the ball. +Everything else was wiped from his mind. + + + + +28. Psmith Arranges his Future + + +It was exactly four o'clock when Psmith, sliding unostentatiously from +his stool, flicked divers pieces of dust from the leg of his trousers, +and sidled towards the basement, where he was wont to keep his hat +during business hours. He was aware that it would be a matter of some +delicacy to leave the bank at that hour. There was a certain quantity +of work still to be done in the Fixed Deposits Department--work in +which, by rights, as Mike's understudy, he should have lent a +sympathetic and helping hand. 'But what of that?' he mused, +thoughtfully smoothing his hat with his knuckles. 'Comrade Gregory is a +man who takes such an enthusiastic pleasure in his duties that he will +go singing about the office when he discovers that he has got a double +lot of work to do.' + +With this comforting thought, he started on his perilous journey to the +open air. As he walked delicately, not courting observation, he +reminded himself of the hero of 'Pilgrim's Progress'. On all sides of +him lay fearsome beasts, lying in wait to pounce upon him. At any +moment Mr Gregory's hoarse roar might shatter the comparative +stillness, or the sinister note of Mr Bickersdyke make itself heard. + +'However,' said Psmith philosophically, 'these are Life's Trials, and +must be borne patiently.' + +A roundabout route, via the Postage and Inwards Bills Departments, took +him to the swing-doors. It was here that the danger became acute. The +doors were well within view of the Fixed Deposits Department, and Mr +Gregory had an eye compared with which that of an eagle was more or +less bleared. + +Psmith sauntered to the door and pushed it open in a gingerly manner. + +As he did so a bellow rang through the office, causing a timid customer, +who had come in to arrange about an overdraft, to lose his nerve +completely and postpone his business till the following afternoon. + +Psmith looked up. Mr Gregory was leaning over the barrier which divided +his lair from the outer world, and gesticulating violently. + +'Where are you going,' roared the head of the Fixed Deposits. + +Psmith did not reply. With a benevolent smile and a gesture intended to +signify all would come right in the future, he slid through the +swing-doors, and began to move down the street at a somewhat swifter +pace than was his habit. + +Once round the corner he slackened his speed. + +'This can't go on,' he said to himself. 'This life of commerce is too +great a strain. One is practically a hunted hare. Either the heads of +my department must refrain from View Halloos when they observe me going +for a stroll, or I abandon Commerce for some less exacting walk in +life.' + +He removed his hat, and allowed the cool breeze to play upon his +forehead. The episode had been disturbing. + +He was to meet his father at the Mansion House. As he reached that +land-mark he saw with approval that punctuality was a virtue of which +he had not the sole monopoly in the Smith family. His father was +waiting for him at the tryst. + +'Certainly, my boy,' said Mr Smith senior, all activity in a moment, +when Psmith had suggested going to Lord's. 'Excellent. We must be +getting on. We must not miss a moment of the match. Bless my soul: I +haven't seen a first-class match this season. Where's a cab? Hi, cabby! +No, that one's got some one in it. There's another. Hi! Here, lunatic! +Are you blind? Good, he's seen us. That's right. Here he comes. Lord's +Cricket Ground, cabby, as quick as you can. Jump in, Rupert, my boy, +jump in.' + +Psmith rarely jumped. He entered the cab with something of the +stateliness of an old Roman Emperor boarding his chariot, and settled +himself comfortably in his seat. Mr Smith dived in like a rabbit. + +A vendor of newspapers came to the cab thrusting an evening paper into +the interior. Psmith bought it. + +'Let's see how they're getting on,' he said, opening the paper. 'Where +are we? Lunch scores. Lord's. Aha! Comrade Jackson is in form.' + +'Jackson?' said Mr Smith, 'is that the same youngster you brought home +last summer? The batsman? Is he playing today?' + +'He was not out thirty at lunch-time. He would appear to be making +something of a stand with his brother Joe, who has made sixty-one up to +the moment of going to press. It's possible he may still be in when we +get there. In which case we shall not be able to slide into the +pavilion.' + +'A grand bat, that boy. I said so last summer. Better than any of his +brothers. He's in the bank with you, isn't he?' + +'He was this morning. I doubt, however, whether he can be said to be +still in that position.' + +'Eh? what? How's that?' + +'There was some slight friction between him and the management. They +wished him to be glued to his stool; he preferred to play for the +county. I think we may say that Comrade Jackson has secured the Order +of the Boot.' + +'What? Do you mean to say--?' + +Psmith related briefly the history of Mike's departure. + +Mr Smith listened with interest. + +'Well,' he said at last, 'hang me if I blame the boy. It's a sin +cooping up a fellow who can bat like that in a bank. I should have done +the same myself in his place.' + +Psmith smoothed his waistcoat. + +'Do you know, father,' he said, 'this bank business is far from being +much of a catch. Indeed, I should describe it definitely as a bit off. +I have given it a fair trial, and I now denounce it unhesitatingly as a +shade too thick.' + +'What? Are you getting tired of it?' + +'Not precisely tired. But, after considerable reflection, I have come +to the conclusion that my talents lie elsewhere. At lugging ledgers I +am among the also-rans--a mere cipher. I have been wanting to speak to +you about this for some time. If you have no objection, I should like +to go to the Bar.' + +'The Bar? Well--' + +'I fancy I should make a pretty considerable hit as a barrister.' + +Mr Smith reflected. The idea had not occurred to him before. Now that +it was suggested, his always easily-fired imagination took hold of it +readily. There was a good deal to be said for the Bar as a career. +Psmith knew his father, and he knew that the thing was practically as +good as settled. It was a new idea, and as such was bound to be +favourably received. + +'What I should do, if I were you,' he went on, as if he were advising a +friend on some course of action certain to bring him profit and +pleasure, 'is to take me away from the bank at once. Don't wait. There +is no time like the present. Let me hand in my resignation tomorrow. +The blow to the management, especially to Comrade Bickersdyke, will be +a painful one, but it is the truest kindness to administer it swiftly. +Let me resign tomorrow, and devote my time to quiet study. Then I can +pop up to Cambridge next term, and all will be well.' + +'I'll think it over--' began Mr Smith. + +'Let us hustle,' urged Psmith. 'Let us Do It Now. It is the only way. +Have I your leave to shoot in my resignation to Comrade Bickersdyke +tomorrow morning?' + +Mr Smith hesitated for a moment, then made up his mind. + +'Very well,' he said. 'I really think it is a good idea. There are +great opportunities open to a barrister. I wish we had thought of it +before.' + +'I am not altogether sorry that we did not,' said Psmith. 'I have +enjoyed the chances my commercial life has given me of associating with +such a man as Comrade Bickersdyke. In many ways a master-mind. But +perhaps it is as well to close the chapter. How it happened it is hard +to say, but somehow I fancy I did not precisely hit it off with Comrade +Bickersdyke. With Psmith, the worker, he had no fault to find; but it +seemed to me sometimes, during our festive evenings together at the +club, that all was not well. From little, almost imperceptible signs I +have suspected now and then that he would just as soon have been +without my company. One cannot explain these things. It must have been +some incompatibility of temperament. Perhaps he will manage to bear up +at my departure. But here we are,' he added, as the cab drew up. 'I +wonder if Comrade Jackson is still going strong.' + +They passed through the turnstile, and caught sight of the +telegraph-board. + +'By Jove!' said Psmith, 'he is. I don't know if he's number three or +number six. I expect he's number six. In which case he has got +ninety-eight. We're just in time to see his century.' + + + + +29. And Mike's + + +For nearly two hours Mike had been experiencing the keenest pleasure +that it had ever fallen to his lot to feel. From the moment he took his +first ball till the luncheon interval he had suffered the acutest +discomfort. His nervousness had left him to a great extent, but he had +never really settled down. Sometimes by luck, and sometimes by skill, +he had kept the ball out of his wicket; but he was scratching, and he +knew it. Not for a single over had he been comfortable. On several +occasions he had edged balls to leg and through the slips in quite an +inferior manner, and it was seldom that he managed to hit with the +centre of the bat. + +Nobody is more alive to the fact that he is not playing up to his true +form than the batsman. Even though his score mounted little by little +into the twenties, Mike was miserable. If this was the best he could do +on a perfect wicket, he felt there was not much hope for him as a +professional. + +The poorness of his play was accentuated by the brilliance of Joe's. +Joe combined science and vigour to a remarkable degree. He laid on the +wood with a graceful robustness which drew much cheering from the +crowd. Beside him Mike was oppressed by that leaden sense of moral +inferiority which weighs on a man who has turned up to dinner in +ordinary clothes when everybody else has dressed. He felt awkward and +conspicuously out of place. + +Then came lunch--and after lunch a glorious change. + +Volumes might be written on the cricket lunch and the influence it has +on the run of the game; how it undoes one man, and sends another back +to the fray like a giant refreshed; how it turns the brilliant fast +bowler into the sluggish medium, and the nervous bat into the masterful +smiter. + +On Mike its effect was magical. He lunched wisely and well, chewing his +food with the concentration of a thirty-three-bites a mouthful crank, +and drinking dry ginger-ale. As he walked out with Joe after the +interval he knew that a change had taken place in him. His nerve had +come back, and with it his form. + +It sometimes happens at cricket that when one feels particularly fit +one gets snapped in the slips in the first over, or clean bowled by a +full toss; but neither of these things happened to Mike. He stayed in, +and began to score. Now there were no edgings through the slips and +snicks to leg. He was meeting the ball in the centre of the bat, and +meeting it vigorously. Two boundaries in successive balls off the fast +bowler, hard, clean drives past extra-cover, put him at peace with all +the world. He was on top. He had found himself. + +Joe, at the other end, resumed his brilliant career. His century and +Mike's fifty arrived in the same over. The bowling began to grow loose. + +Joe, having reached his century, slowed down somewhat, and Mike took up +the running. The score rose rapidly. + +A leg-theory bowler kept down the pace of the run-getting for a time, +but the bowlers at the other end continued to give away runs. Mike's +score passed from sixty to seventy, from seventy to eighty, from eighty +to ninety. When the Smiths, father and son, came on to the ground the +total was ninety-eight. Joe had made a hundred and thirty-three. + + * * * * * + +Mike reached his century just as Psmith and his father took their +seats. A square cut off the slow bowler was just too wide for point to +get to. By the time third man had sprinted across and returned the ball +the batsmen had run two. + +Mr Smith was enthusiastic. + +'I tell you,' he said to Psmith, who was clapping in a gently +encouraging manner, 'the boy's a wonderful bat. I said so when he was +down with us. I remember telling him so myself. "I've seen your +brothers play," I said, "and you're better than any of them." I +remember it distinctly. He'll be playing for England in another year or +two. Fancy putting a cricketer like that into the City! It's a crime.' + +'I gather,' said Psmith, 'that the family coffers had got a bit low. It +was necessary for Comrade Jackson to do something by way of saving the +Old Home.' + +'He ought to be at the University. Look, he's got that man away to the +boundary again. They'll never get him out.' + +At six o'clock the partnership was broken, Joe running himself out in +trying to snatch a single where no single was. He had made a hundred +and eighty-nine. + +Mike flung himself down on the turf with mixed feelings. He was sorry +Joe was out, but he was very glad indeed of the chance of a rest. He +was utterly fagged. A half-day match once a week is no training for +first-class cricket. Joe, who had been playing all the season, was as +tough as india-rubber, and trotted into the pavilion as fresh as if he +had been having a brief spell at the nets. Mike, on the other hand, +felt that he simply wanted to be dropped into a cold bath and left +there indefinitely. There was only another half-hour's play, but he +doubted if he could get through it. + +He dragged himself up wearily as Joe's successor arrived at the +wickets. He had crossed Joe before the latter's downfall, and it was +his turn to take the bowling. + +Something seemed to have gone out of him. He could not time the ball +properly. The last ball of the over looked like a half-volley, and he +hit out at it. But it was just short of a half-volley, and his stroke +arrived too soon. The bowler, running in the direction of mid-on, +brought off an easy c.-and-b. + +Mike turned away towards the pavilion. He heard the gradually swelling +applause in a sort of dream. It seemed to him hours before he reached +the dressing-room. + +He was sitting on a chair, wishing that somebody would come along and +take off his pads, when Psmith's card was brought to him. A few moments +later the old Etonian appeared in person. + +'Hullo, Smith,' said Mike, 'By Jove! I'm done.' + +'"How Little Willie Saved the Match,"' said Psmith. 'What you want is +one of those gin and ginger-beers we hear so much about. Remove those +pads, and let us flit downstairs in search of a couple. Well, Comrade +Jackson, you have fought the good fight this day. My father sends his +compliments. He is dining out, or he would have come up. He is going to +look in at the flat latish.' + +'How many did I get?' asked Mike. 'I was so jolly done I didn't think +of looking.' + +'A hundred and forty-eight of the best,' said Psmith. 'What will they +say at the old homestead about this? Are you ready? Then let us test +this fruity old ginger-beer of theirs.' + +The two batsmen who had followed the big stand were apparently having a +little stand all of their own. No more wickets fell before the drawing +of stumps. Psmith waited for Mike while he changed, and carried him off +in a cab to Simpson's, a restaurant which, as he justly observed, +offered two great advantages, namely, that you need not dress, and, +secondly, that you paid your half-crown, and were then at liberty to +eat till you were helpless, if you felt so disposed, without extra +charge. + +Mike stopped short of this giddy height of mastication, but consumed +enough to make him feel a great deal better. Psmith eyed his inroads on +the menu with approval. + +'There is nothing,' he said, 'like victualling up before an ordeal.' + +'What's the ordeal?' said Mike. + +'I propose to take you round to the club anon, where I trust we shall +find Comrade Bickersdyke. We have much to say to one another.' + +'Look here, I'm hanged--' began Mike. + +'Yes, you must be there,' said Psmith. 'Your presence will serve to +cheer Comrade B. up. Fate compels me to deal him a nasty blow, and he +will want sympathy. I have got to break it to him that I am leaving the +bank.' + +'What, are you going to chuck it?' + +Psmith inclined his head. + +'The time,' he said, 'has come to part. It has served its turn. The +startled whisper runs round the City. "Psmith has had sufficient."' + +'What are you going to do?' + +'I propose to enter the University of Cambridge, and there to study the +intricacies of the Law, with a view to having a subsequent dash at +becoming Lord Chancellor.' + +'By Jove!' said Mike, 'you're lucky. I wish I were coming too.' + +Psmith knocked the ash off his cigarette. + +'Are you absolutely set on becoming a pro?' he asked. + +'It depends on what you call set. It seems to me it's about all I can +do.' + +'I can offer you a not entirely scaly job,' said Smith, 'if you feel +like taking it. In the course of conversation with my father during the +match this afternoon, I gleaned the fact that he is anxious to secure +your services as a species of agent. The vast Psmith estates, it seems, +need a bright boy to keep an eye upon them. Are you prepared to accept +the post?' + +Mike stared. + +'Me! Dash it all, how old do you think I am? I'm only nineteen.' + +'I had suspected as much from the alabaster clearness of your +unwrinkled brow. But my father does not wish you to enter upon your +duties immediately. There would be a preliminary interval of three, +possibly four, years at Cambridge, during which I presume, you would be +learning divers facts concerning spuds, turmuts, and the like. At +least,' said Psmith airily, 'I suppose so. Far be it from me to dictate +the line of your researches.' + +'Then I'm afraid it's off,' said Mike gloomily. 'My pater couldn't +afford to send me to Cambridge.' + +'That obstacle,' said Psmith, 'can be surmounted. You would, of course, +accompany me to Cambridge, in the capacity, which you enjoy at the +present moment, of my confidential secretary and adviser. Any expenses +that might crop up would be defrayed from the Psmith family chest.' + +Mike's eyes opened wide again. + +'Do you mean,' he asked bluntly, 'that your pater would pay for me at +the 'Varsity? No I say--dash it--I mean, I couldn't--' + +'Do you suggest,' said Psmith, raising his eyebrows, 'that I should go +to the University _without_ a confidential secretary and adviser?' + +'No, but I mean--' protested Mike. + +'Then that's settled,' said Psmith. 'I knew you would not desert me in +my hour of need, Comrade Jackson. "What will you do," asked my father, +alarmed for my safety, "among these wild undergraduates? I fear for my +Rupert." "Have no fear, father," I replied. "Comrade Jackson will be +beside me." His face brightened immediately. "Comrade Jackson," he +said, "is a man in whom I have the supremest confidence. If he is with +you I shall sleep easy of nights." It was after that that the +conversation drifted to the subject of agents.' + +Psmith called for the bill and paid it in the affable manner of a +monarch signing a charter. Mike sat silent, his mind in a whirl. He saw +exactly what had happened. He could almost hear Psmith talking his +father into agreeing with his scheme. He could think of nothing to say. +As usually happened in any emotional crisis in his life, words +absolutely deserted him. The thing was too big. Anything he could say +would sound too feeble. When a friend has solved all your difficulties +and smoothed out all the rough places which were looming in your path, +you cannot thank him as if he had asked you to lunch. The occasion +demanded some neat, polished speech; and neat, polished speeches were +beyond Mike. + +'I say, Psmith--' he began. + +Psmith rose. + +'Let us now,' he said, 'collect our hats and meander to the club, +where, I have no doubt, we shall find Comrade Bickersdyke, all +unconscious of impending misfortune, dreaming pleasantly over coffee +and a cigar in the lower smoking-room.' + + + + +30. The Last Sad Farewells + + +As it happened, that was precisely what Mr Bickersdyke was doing. He +was feeling thoroughly pleased with life. For nearly nine months Psmith +had been to him a sort of spectre at the feast inspiring him with an +ever-present feeling of discomfort which he had found impossible to +shake off. And tonight he saw his way of getting rid of him. + +At five minutes past four Mr Gregory, crimson and wrathful, had plunged +into his room with a long statement of how Psmith, deputed to help in +the life and thought of the Fixed Deposits Department, had left the +building at four o'clock, when there was still another hour and a +half's work to be done. + +Moreover, Mr Gregory deposed, the errant one, seen sliding out of the +swinging door, and summoned in a loud, clear voice to come back, had +flatly disobeyed and had gone upon his ways 'Grinning at me,' said the +aggrieved Mr Gregory, 'like a dashed ape.' A most unjust description of +the sad, sweet smile which Psmith had bestowed upon him from the +doorway. + +Ever since that moment Mr Bickersdyke had felt that there was a silver +lining to the cloud. Hitherto Psmith had left nothing to be desired in +the manner in which he performed his work. His righteousness in the +office had clothed him as in a suit of mail. But now he had slipped. To +go off an hour and a half before the proper time, and to refuse to +return when summoned by the head of his department--these were offences +for which he could be dismissed without fuss. Mr Bickersdyke looked +forward to tomorrow's interview with his employee. + +Meanwhile, having enjoyed an excellent dinner, he was now, as Psmith +had predicted, engaged with a cigar and a cup of coffee in the lower +smoking-room of the Senior Conservative Club. + +Psmith and Mike entered the room when he was about half through these +luxuries. + +Psmith's first action was to summon a waiter, and order a glass of neat +brandy. 'Not for myself,' he explained to Mike. 'For Comrade +Bickersdyke. He is about to sustain a nasty shock, and may need a +restorative at a moment's notice. For all we know, his heart may not be +strong. In any case, it is safest to have a pick-me-up handy.' + +He paid the waiter, and advanced across the room, followed by Mike. In +his hand, extended at arm's length, he bore the glass of brandy. + +Mr Bickersdyke caught sight of the procession, and started. Psmith set +the brandy down very carefully on the table, beside the manager's +coffee cup, and, dropping into a chair, regarded him pityingly through +his eyeglass. Mike, who felt embarrassed, took a seat some little way +behind his companion. This was Psmith's affair, and he proposed to +allow him to do the talking. + +Mr Bickersdyke, except for a slight deepening of the colour of his +complexion, gave no sign of having seen them. He puffed away at his +cigar, his eyes fixed on the ceiling. + +'An unpleasant task lies before us,' began Psmith in a low, sorrowful +voice, 'and it must not be shirked. Have I your ear, Mr Bickersdyke?' + +Addressed thus directly, the manager allowed his gaze to wander from +the ceiling. He eyed Psmith for a moment like an elderly basilisk, then +looked back at the ceiling again. + +'I shall speak to you tomorrow,' he said. + +Psmith heaved a heavy sigh. + +'You will not see us tomorrow,' he said, pushing the brandy a little +nearer. + +Mr Bickersdyke's eyes left the ceiling once more. + +'What do you mean?' he said. + +'Drink this,' urged Psmith sympathetically, holding out the glass. 'Be +brave,' he went on rapidly. 'Time softens the harshest blows. Shocks +stun us for the moment, but we recover. Little by little we come to +ourselves again. Life, which we had thought could hold no more pleasure +for us, gradually shows itself not wholly grey.' + +Mr Bickersdyke seemed about to make an observation at this point, but +Psmith, with a wave of the hand, hurried on. + +'We find that the sun still shines, the birds still sing. Things which +used to entertain us resume their attraction. Gradually we emerge from +the soup, and begin--' + +'If you have anything to say to me,' said the manager, 'I should be +glad if you would say it, and go.' + +'You prefer me not to break the bad news gently?' said Psmith. 'Perhaps +you are wise. In a word, then,'--he picked up the brandy and held it +out to him--'Comrade Jackson and myself are leaving the bank.' + +'I am aware of that,' said Mr Bickersdyke drily. + +Psmith put down the glass. + +'You have been told already?' he said. 'That accounts for your calm. +The shock has expended its force on you, and can do no more. You are +stunned. I am sorry, but it had to be. You will say that it is madness +for us to offer our resignations, that our grip on the work of the bank +made a prosperous career in Commerce certain for us. It may be so. But +somehow we feel that our talents lie elsewhere. To Comrade Jackson the +management of the Psmith estates seems the job on which he can get the +rapid half-Nelson. For my own part, I feel that my long suit is the +Bar. I am a poor, unready speaker, but I intend to acquire a knowledge +of the Law which shall outweigh this defect. Before leaving you, I +should like to say--I may speak for you as well as myself, Comrade +Jackson--?' + +Mike uttered his first contribution to the conversation--a gurgle--and +relapsed into silence again. + +'I should like to say,' continued Psmith, 'how much Comrade Jackson and +I have enjoyed our stay in the bank. The insight it has given us into +your masterly handling of the intricate mechanism of the office has +been a treat we would not have missed. But our place is elsewhere.' + +He rose. Mike followed his example with alacrity. It occurred to Mr +Bickersdyke, as they turned to go, that he had not yet been able to get +in a word about their dismissal. They were drifting away with all the +honours of war. + +'Come back,' he cried. + +Psmith paused and shook his head sadly. + +'This is unmanly, Comrade Bickersdyke,' he said. 'I had not expected +this. That you should be dazed by the shock was natural. But that you +should beg us to reconsider our resolve and return to the bank is +unworthy of you. Be a man. Bite the bullet. The first keen pang will +pass. Time will soften the feeling of bereavement. You must be brave. +Come, Comrade Jackson.' + +Mike responded to the call without hesitation. + +'We will now,' said Psmith, leading the way to the door, 'push back to +the flat. My father will be round there soon.' He looked over his +shoulder. Mr Bickersdyke appeared to be wrapped in thought. + +'A painful business,' sighed Psmith. 'The man seems quite broken up. It +had to be, however. The bank was no place for us. An excellent career +in many respects, but unsuitable for you and me. It is hard on Comrade +Bickersdyke, especially as he took such trouble to get me into it, but +I think we may say that we are well out of the place.' + +Mike's mind roamed into the future. Cambridge first, and then an +open-air life of the sort he had always dreamed of. The Problem of +Life seemed to him to be solved. He looked on down the years, and he +could see no troubles there of any kind whatsoever. Reason suggested +that there were probably one or two knocking about somewhere, but this +was no time to think of them. He examined the future, and found it good. + +'I should jolly well think,' he said simply, 'that we might.' + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Psmith in the City, by P. G. 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