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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3b42750 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #68133 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/68133) diff --git a/old/68133-0.txt b/old/68133-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index bd124dc..0000000 --- a/old/68133-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2718 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook of The history of the proceedings in the -case of Margaret, commonly called Peg, only lawful sister to John Bull, -Esq., by Adam Ferguson - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this eBook. - -Title: The history of the proceedings in the case of Margaret, commonly - called Peg, only lawful sister to John Bull, Esq. - -Authors: Adam Ferguson - David Hume - -Release Date: May 20, 2022 [eBook #68133] - -Language: English - -Produced by: Emmanuel Ackerman and the Online Distributed Proofreading - Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This book was produced from - images made available by the HathiTrust Digital Library.) - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HISTORY OF THE -PROCEEDINGS IN THE CASE OF MARGARET, COMMONLY CALLED PEG, ONLY LAWFUL -SISTER TO JOHN BULL, ESQ. *** - - - - - - THE - - HISTORY - - OF THE - - PROCEEDINGS in the CASE - - OF - - MARGARET, - - Commonly called PEG, only lawful - Sister to JOHN BULL, Esq; - - - The SECOND EDITION. - - - Printed for W. OWEN, near Temple Bar. - MDCCLXI. - - - - - THE - - CONTENTS. - - - CHAP. I. _How =John= quarrelled with =Lewis - Baboon= about dividing the West-common; - and how instead of going to law, - they came to blows_, 16 - - CHAP. II. _What sort of fellows =John= and =Lewis= - were in use to employ to keep their orchards, - and their poultry_, 23 - - CHAP. III. _How =John= got a terrible fright in - his own house of Bull-hall_, 36 - - CHAP. IV. _How =John’s= affairs had like to have - gone to the Devil_, 48 - - CHAP. V. _How =John= consulted with his friends - about the method of retrieving his affairs_, 59 - - CHAP. VI. _How the Nurse dreamt that =John - Bull= had banished all the weavers_, 66 - - CHAP. VII. _What happened after this conversation - with the Nurse_, 77 - - CHAP. VIII. _Concerning sister =Peg=_, 84 - - CHAP IX. _How =Lewis Baboon= was belaboured - and drubbed; and how =Jowler= behaved_, 91 - - CHAP X. _How sister =Peg= began to look about - her; and how she wrote a letter to her brother - =John=_, 98 - - CHAP XI. _How this letter was received by - =John=_, 114 - - CHAP XII. _How Mrs. =Bull’s= attendants were - prepared on this subject_, 119 - - CHAP XIII. _How =Bumbo= discoursed with - =John Bull’s= Nurse, and found her not so great - a fool as he thought her_, 129 - - CHAP XIV. _Showing how it was the fashion - to harangue Mrs. =Bull=_, 141 - - CHAP XV. _How Mrs. =Bull= sat still and heard - a great deal more on this subject_, 152 - - CHAP XVI. _How =Bumbo= gave his evidence_, - 164 - CHAP XVII. _How Mrs. =Bull= settled her - stomach_, 172 - - - - -THE - -HISTORY - -OF THE - -PROCEEDINGS in the CASE - -OF - -MARGARET, - -COMMONLY CALLED PEG. - - -There being no history with which every learned reader is better -acquainted in general, than that of John Bull, and his sister Peg, -we shall spend very little time in preambles or introductions to the -present story. John and his sister lived many a day, as every body -knows, in the two adjoining houses which were left them by their -father; and it matters not now to say, how much better John was lodged -than his sister, and how many more improvements he had made on his -farm. We never heard of any difference arising between them on this -score, farther than some jeers and taunts between the blackguards or -scullions of either house, who generally got themselves bloody noses -upon the occasion. As for Peg herself, she was so far from complaining -of her portion, that nothing could offend her more, than to be told out -of doors, that she was not the richest heiress in the world. - -It is not easy to say, whether it was Peg’s own temper, the badness of -her subject, or the perpetual vexations she met with in her youth, -that hindered her from minding her domestic affairs, so much as she -should have done: but the truth is, that matters were often at sixes -and sevens in her family; and her brother and she, to be sure, never -could agree about any thing. All the world knows how long their affairs -remained in confusion, merely because they would not employ the same -attorney, and what an aversion they had to trust their affairs in -common to any single person. Peg would say, “I’ll have nothing to do -with John’s lawyers; whoever I employ must mind nobody’s affairs but -mine. I have as good a right to be served as he; and if he pays more -than I do, let it be for services done to himself, not for cheating -me.” John again would swagger and swear, and said, that whoever Peg -employed, must be a dirty lousy fellow; and would come to no terms, -unless she would take a steward of his choosing. - -It happened, however, at last, as every careful peruser of history -knoweth, that every man of the law, within the reach almost of John’s -knowledge, from the master down to the merest clerk-boy, died, or left -the country, or disappeared some how or other, and John was obliged -for once to put his papers in the hands of his sister’s lawyer, a very -book-learned man, as many people affirm even unto this day. But be -this as it will, Peg had the vanity to boast, that though her lawyer -now lived in John’s own house, yet it was she who gave that clod-pated -pock-puddened numskull the lawyer at last; and that this same man -of the law, if he had any gratitude to the house where he was born -and bred, would not let her be wronged, or forget her boys, when the -stock came to be divided. She trusted too, that they would remember -themselves, and if John or the attorney pretended to cheat them, she -talked no less than of beating out both their brains. John was really -at bottom a good-natured fellow, and knowing himself to be an overmatch -for Peg, did not mind her peevish humours a rush; but he would not have -liked her attorney for all that, if he had not expected to manage him, -by keeping him in his own house, and by putting clerks about him, who -never had any connexion with Margaret, or her hungry loons, from whom, -the truth is, he expected no good. - -This affair being settled between the brother and sister, as well as -could be expected with so little cordiality on either side, their -common concerns began to be a little better managed, and people got -some rest in their beds; for they did not harbour vagrants, as they -used to do, to hamstring one another’s cattle, to tear up the young -planting, and knock out one another’s brains. They differed, it is -true, now and then about this thing, and t’other thing, and about -attornies and agents, but it always happened that they employed the -same person, even whilst John wished Peg at the bottom of the sea; and -Peg sometimes let devilish knocks at him, and the attorney too, when -she was jealous of either. - -John, however, was so far lucky, that his sister concurred with him -very readily in most things of consequence, such as turning off Squire -Geoffry, and the like; insomuch, that he himself was not readier to -part with this Squire, as every body knows, although he claimed kindred -to Peg, as the foster-mother of his family; and to make all sure, she -put her hand as freely to the perpetual contract with Sir Thomas. This -was a gentleman in the neighbourhood, of an ancient family, and a -pretty fortune of his own: but he was willing to take charge of the -brother and sister’s affairs, provided he had some security that he -should not be turned out the next moment, which was accordingly granted -in the form of a contract, by virtue of which he continues to manage -their business in a very orderly regular manner. - -This, however, did not hinder some persons in both families, who had -a hankering after Squire Geoffry, from being mad enough once and -again, to think of restoring him to his office, in spite of John’s -and Margaret’s teeth. They came sometimes from the garret, and from -the cellar, roaring about this matter; and when they got drunk, they -imagined nothing was easier to be done. The truth is, that if Peg had -not been firm to the contract, John would often have been sore beset. - -Although the intention of this proem is far from being to give a full -account of the affairs of these two families, preceding the present -transaction, much less to censure or run down other grave historians, -who have published to the learned world any part of their history; yet -we cannot altogether pass in silence some few mistakes in the otherwise -elaborate work of the celebrated Sir Humphrey Polisworth, bred in the -learned university of Grub-street. An historian, in our opinion, should -be as mindful of truth in whatever he may occasionally mention, as he -is in the main series of his story. For want of attending to this -truth, the learned Sir Humphrey has unguardedly misrepresented the -nature of John’s and Peg’s agreement, together with the causes which -induced John to sollicit that accommodation. Many learned writers of -that time say, that the question was not then about John’s heir, but -about the old story the choice of a steward, and the perpetual contract -we have mentioned. But be this as it will, there was no disagreement -between John and his sister on either of these points, as Sir Humphrey -Polisworth himself doth acknowledge. On the contrary, if John roared -against Squire Geoffry, Peg tore her cap and her apron in perfect rage, -and was like cat and dog with the same Squire and his gang, all the -time they were in the management of John’s business. - -The truth of the matter was, that about the time of the great change -we have mentioned, many people in both families said, Although we -agree now, we may quarrel hereafter, and it will be a plaguey thing -to come into the hands of different lawyers and attornies again, who -never fail to set people by the ears for their own advantage. John and -Margaret have lived so much better, since they came to employ the same -lawyer, that it is a pity they should ever be in danger of parting -their affairs. The lands of Bull-hall and Thistle-down were never -intended for two farms, the same hedge and ditch surround them, and -whilst they continue in one, they may be kept with half the looking -after; for nobody can be half so troublesome to either family, as they -have formerly been to one another. For these, and many more reasons, an -agreement was thought upon; and though it went somewhat against John’s -stomach, yet he coaxed and flattered sister Peg till he obtained her -consent, not to come to live in his house, as the learned Sir Humphrey -Polisworth has erroneously related, but merely to shut up her own -compting-room, dismiss her overseers, and send her clerks to John’s -house, to manage their affairs together with his accomptant, under -the inspection of the great lawyer, as he was then called, in both -families. - -This agreement, however, did not please every body. The servants who -attended Peg’s compting-room, were angry at the loss of their vails. -The upper servants, as every body knows, mismanaged their part of the -business some how or other, and many people said, that the house looked -melancholy when the windows of the counting-room just looking to the -South were shut up. In short, you could hear a buzz in every corner of -the house, that the whole family was undone for ever. Jack himself grew -very sulky, and for the turn of a straw would have played the devil. -But what will not a little time to. Peg’s people got gradually into -better humour; Jack’s zeal for the contract made with Sir Thomas, soon -reconciled him to whatever was connected with it, and Peg’s affairs -went on so tolerably, that every body was pacified, except the few who -would be pleased with nothing, unless Squire Geoffry was restored. - -About the time that Sir Thomas came to the office, there was a great -turmoil in John’s kitchin and back-yard, and in Peg’s garret, where -indeed she harboured a parcel of curious fellows, who did not mind -the business of the family much, but would run you up and down stairs -like lightning, sometimes get into the kitchen, the hen roost, or back -yard, and snap up any thing their fingers could lay hold of. Their -mistress seldom got any rent from them, except a days work now and -then in harvest, or the use of their children to keep the crows from -the barley. But the true secret of her liking to them was, that they -were excellent fellows at a brawl, and you had as good put your head -in the fire, as meddle with their mistress when they were by. But Peg -could never get them to agree among themselves till very lately, nor -always to behave very respectfully to herself; insomuch, that both John -and she were often tempted to condemn that garret. But things must have -their course, the garret gentry have sometimes done excellent service, -and there is nobody John himself likes better to see about him, when -Lewis Baboon or Lord Strutt come about cudgel-playing, which is a very -common case, as the learned Sir Humphrey has very well observed. - - - - -CHAP. I. - - _How =John= quarrelled with =Lewis Baboon= about dividing the - West-common; and how instead of going to law, they came to blows._ - - -We account it a great oversight in the learned Sir Humphrey Polisworth, -that he has taken little or no notice of John Bull’s land-estate, his -orchards, kitchen-grounds, and corn-fields, of which he has always -possessed an excellent share; but considered him as a simple clothier -and mechanic, merely because he sent goods of this, and many other -kinds to market. John got ready money, it is true, by the sale of -his goods; but the great support of his family, and what made him be -treated like a gentleman in the neighbourhood, was the excellent manor -of Bull-hall, where John and his posterity may find capon and bacon, -and beef and mutton, without being obliged to any body, and without -cringing to Lord Strutt, Squire South, or Lewis Baboon, for their -custom. It is true, that the devil possessed John sometimes to that -degree, that you could not hear a word from him but about his cloth, -and his iron-work, and his pottery, and you would see him up to the -eyes in clay, or steeped, till he grew all the colours of the rainbow, -in dyer’s stuff, or smoaked and roasted like a smith, or sallow and -greasy like a weaver, and no gentleman could keep company with him, or -any of his family, such low habits they had got behind the counter, or -in the work-shop. “Mind your customers, lads,” says John; “Good words -go far; Be civil to every body whether they buy or no;” and then he -would rap out a string of proverbs, such as, “A penny saved is a penny -got; Fast bind, fast find,” and so forth; in short, if it had not been -for some good blood which John had still in his veins, he must have -grown a mere pedling, sneaking, designing, mercenary rogue, as ever was. - -There was, as we say, blood, or something else, that kept up John’s -spirit, so that he went abroad now and then, in as gentleman-like a -way as could be wished, although Lewis Baboon used to sit sneering at -him sometimes as he passed; but John minded him not a rush. - -Now it happened, that John and Lewis had about the same time taken in -part of the west-common, and though their fields were not contiguous, -they could not agree about their marches. Many meetings they had to -settle them, but all to no purpose, for none of them knew well what -he would be at. The common saying was, that Lewis wanted to get all -the land in the country, and you needed only to tell John so much, in -order to put him in a downright foam of rage and fury. However this -be, Lewis tormented his own people enough, with making them stick in -posts and stakes in different parts of the common; and when John asked -him what he meant, he said, They were only rubing posts for his cows -to scratch themselves, in case they strayed so far. But other people -told John, that Lewis would some day or other claim every bit of that -ground as his own, by virtue of those stakes, if he was not checked in -time. Accordingly, John sent him some angry message about them, and -Lewis in return, begged leave to present his compliments to John, and -allured him, that the thing in the world he wished most, was to live in -good terms with his honoured friend and neighbour John Bull. Mean time, -some of John’s cow-herds met with a fellow or two belonging to Lewis, -and after a great deal of bad language, painful to repeat, they came -to blows, and made a great noise, which brought John and Lewis too, to -see what was the matter. John, indeed, happened to be in his barge that -afternoon, on the lake to the west of his house, which he affected to -call his own fish-pond, and Lewis too being on his way to the common, -their barges unhappily met, when John, without any more ado, took up an -oar, and aimed a blow at Lewis Baboon’s brains, You damn’d, insidious, -fair-tongued villain, this is all your doing, with your stakes and -your posts, and your covetousness for land, which nobody will possess -under you, you damned, oppressive, squeezing rascal. My dear John, -says Lewis, what is the matter? The matter, you scoundrel! With that -John aimed another blow; but their barges ran foul of one another, and -he fastened on Lewis Baboon’s wig, tore his bag, and threw it in the -water; in short, before you could count six, there was not a hat nor a -wig to be seen in the whole boats-crew, of either side. History says, -that Lewis had like to have been drowned outright, and was glad to get -home with his head broken in many places, and cursing John Bull, for -the most rash, cholerick, blunder-headed fellow, that ever was known in -the world. - - - - -CHAP. II. - - _What sort of fellows =John= and =Lewis= were in use to employ to keep - their orchards, and their poultry._ - - -History tells us many lies, if this was the first time that John and -Lewis came to blows; and Sir Humphrey Polisworth may think to conceal -it if he will, but many a time has Lewis, in his youth, lost his hat -and his wig in scuffles with John, and as often has John come home with -a broken pate, though very few people durst tell it to his wife or his -mother. In short, these two had been troublesome rogues to one another -time out of mind; and at the time of which we are now speaking, there -was no such thing as law or justice in the whole country. If you could -keep your own, it was well; if not, it did not signify complaining; -two or three stout fellows at your back, a brace of pistols, or a -blunderbuss, was a better title to an estate than the best conveyance -in the world. Whilst you thought yourself sure of your lands, two or -three fellows in the neighbourhood would be disputing who should have -it; and of Lord Strutt, Lewis Baboon, Squire South, Nicholas Frog, -John Bull himself, and all the gang of them, there was not one to -mend another, they did not mind blowing out one another’s brains one -farthing; they had got honourable names for thieving, robbing, and -house-breaking, such as policy, conquest, and invasion; and if you -lived in their neighbourhood, they were sure to leave you nothing, -unless you could handle a cutlass, or fire a blunderbuss, and kept -friends with some one or other of them, who protected you for his own -sake, or that he might take all you had at a more convenient time. God -help the poor milk-sop that trusted to the goodness of his cause. - -This made every body look about him; and John among the rest, for -many a day, had as stout a family of young fellows as any in all the -neighbourhood, and would not take an affront or an injury from any man. -His boys were for the most part sober, peaceable fellows within doors; -but if there was any noise heard over-night among the poultry in the -orchard, or the workshop, it needed only the bark of a dog to bring a -score of them into the court, and from every corner of John’s house you -could hear nothing but striving who should be out first. Every body -had his cutlass, or his carabine at his bed’s-head, and it is hard to -say which they were most jealous of, their father’s honour, or the -preservation of his estate. It was the pride of John’s heart in those -days, to see his boys hardy and resolute, and he hated a sneaking, -puny, pewling fellow, like the devil. - -In this humour John lived for many a day; but many changes happen -which nobody looks for; people persuaded him by degrees, that if -he had money enough there was nothing else worth minding. From this -hopeful maxim, he even neglected sending his children to school, locked -up their cudgels and cricket-batts, and would not let one of them touch -a gun, for fear they should hurt themselves. He had got by heart all -the stories that ever his nurse had told him, about the accidents which -happen at rough play, or in handling firelocks, and would repeat them -sometimes, till his wife and his mother were quite ashamed of him. - -It would require the pen of a great historian to tell how this great -change was brought about. Some people said, that John was old and -began to doat; others said, that it was all owing to an old nurse -who lived about the house; but alas, they do not tell us how John -came to be directed by old women, or what was the reason that some -of John’s neighbours were grown worse than even he was at this -time. Lewis Baboon was grown from a spruce forward gallant, a mere -priest-ridden, whore-ridden, flimsey periwig-making old fool. Lord -Strutt could never be got out of his bed before eleven o’clock in the -morning; and Nicholas Frog would rather have taken ready money for a -farthing-candle, than see his best friend return from the grave. One -stout man could have chaced a hundred of them into the sea, and yet -these damned fellows contrived to be very troublesome for all that, by -means of a device of which the devil himself was certainly the author. -In their younger days they were all ready enough at a blow, yet as they -and every body about them, had some other business besides fighting, -they could not well quarrel when they were otherways engaged; but they -came at last to keep people on purpose to fight, and as nobody cared -what became of these fellows, they would send them out for the turn -of a straw, to play the devil in all the neighbourhood; and the rest -of the people at home trusting to them, became mere milk-sops and old -women. - -An historian of great credit affirms, that this practice was grafted -on that of keeping a game-keeper; and for this reason it is, that -although there be many more of them in every house than are necessary -to keep the game, they are nevertheless known under the title of -game-keepers even unto this day. In former times, continues he, -every father of a family and his children, were sportmen more or -less. It mattered not who started the game, they could all shoot -without distinction; and it mattered as little what part of the house -a thief attempted to break in upon, the first man he met thought -himself obliged to defend the premises. But when they grew lazy, -spiritless, and purse-proud, they must needs keep their game-keepers -like lords, and each according to his estate, got as many as he -could well maintain, and those he employed not only to knock down -a hare, or a partridge, now and then, for the master’s table, but -to them he entrusted the whole defence of his estate inclosed and -common, barn-yards, orchards, and kitchin-grounds, and it was thought -presumption in any body else to do any thing besides running away when -any body attempted to disturb the house. Lewis Baboon would have kept -you forty or fifty at a time, and this when nobody was meddling with -him, as he said, to guard his poultry, and attend him to church. - -These fellows did nothing from morning to night, but first turn upon -one heel, and then upon another, put a gun sometimes to their hip, -sometimes to their nose, sometimes to their shoulder; and, in short, -played so many antic tricks with a musket, that few or none of them -could remember or distinguish its real use. But they bilked their -landlords, cursed, swore, and bullied, wherever they went, and in many -houses where such fellows were kept, nobody durst say his life was his -own for them. - -It may be hard enough to tell how any matter of a family came to keep -such people about him; but the most amazing thing of all is, how John -Bull, so kind a father, and so good a master, should ever think of -entertaining so many of them, and trust more to their affection, than -to that of his own children. - -It is true, that John’s heart has always misgiven him in this project; -he generally keeps a dozen or so, but nobody could ever prevail on -him, or Mrs. Bull, to tell how long they were to keep them; and every -Saturday night when he pays off his workmen, he always says, Gentlemen, -whereas it goes against my conscience, to keep some damned rascals -perpetually about my house, you are to remain only for next week, and -no longer; but still he keeps them on in this manner from one week to -another, for which he has many salvo’s. In the first place, says John, -I don’t take any body but my own tenants sons, or now and then an idle -fellow from my own farm, and I have always some of my own boys who keep -them company; so that they always behave very respectfully to me, and -have often taken my part, when such fellows as Nicholas Frog keeps -would have cut my throat. Secondly, says John, I only keep them as long -as Squire Geoffrey and his abettors are like to be troublesome, which I -hope will not be long. But many of John’s enemies said, that there was -a better reason than all these put together, viz. that he was afraid to -fire a gun himself, and was frightened out of his senses when he had -not some of his bullies by him. - -Whether this was the cause, or the effect of his keeping those fellows, -it must be owned that John Bull, who used to be a bold hearty fellow, -always master in his own house, and afraid of nothing, began to sneak -about the doors, and would start at his own shadow; and when there was -any noise in the orchard, or poultry-yard, he would scour up to the -garret, and leave the game-keepers and the thieves to do what they -pleased with his effects, shutting his eyes, and stopping his ears, -that he might not see or hear any shooting of guns, of which in truth -he was become marvelously afraid. Lewis Baboon had no more ado, but -to give out that he was going to pay a civil visit to John, in order -to put the whole house in a pannic: and this word _pannic_ was grown -so familiar with John, that he had it always ready as an excuse for -running away upon the slightest occasion. - - - - -CHAP. III. - - _How =John= got a terrible fright in his own house of Bull-hall._ - - -It was not always without cause, that John Bull disliked the visits -of Lewis Baboon; he knew what fine sport that rogue might have made -for himself in such a house; and that besides cuckoldom, many other -misfortunes might have befallen the landlord. But history, with all her -gravity, will scarcely make posterity believe, how much John was afraid -of his own sister Margaret’s garret lodgers. Once upon a time, two or -three of them being seduced by some outlandish person, who stiled -himself young Mr. Geoffrey, got down stairs, ran into Margaret’s dining -room and drawing-room, overset the china, drank the cream, and having -found one of John’s game-keepers teaching the maids to coddle apples in -the back-kitchen, gave him a slap in the chops, and poured the scalding -water on him. From thence they proceeded as they thought proper; and -though Margaret threw her poker at them as they passed, with an air of -great bitterness and vexation, yet John took it in his head that it was -all her doing, and sent her word to keep them at home, otherwise he -would set fire to her house: but just as he was talking in this strain, -and abusing his poor sister as a treacherous vixin, who might have kept -better order in her house if she pleased, he was silenced at once with -a knock on the pate; and without staying to see what was the matter, -ran up to the leads, called out to his game-keepers, who were gone -nobody knows where, then to Nicholas Frog, Rousterdivel, and all the -damned names you can think of, to come to the assistance of John Bull, -whose throat was just going to be cut in his own house. - -Mean time, Mr. Luchar, for this was the ringleader in all this -mischief, continued to do what he pleased. Whenever he met any of -John’s fellows, he asked, What trade are you? And if they were weavers, -he made them furnish what cloth he wanted; threatening to rip up their -guts. In like manner, if they were brewers, tanners, cooks, scullions, -or malsters, each in his way had something good for Mr. Luchar, and the -fellow had learned not to be afraid, although there were three hundred -of them together. - -This fray, however, did not last long; Mr. Luchar was tired, and went -away home to his garret, and John, who had been more afraid than hurt, -came down stairs, and when he saw that the foe was actually gone, -called out to set fire to Peg’s house, to burn her, and all her vermin; -for, says he, we shall never get any peace for them. Mean time, the -game-keeper took heart at last, went up to the garret, and gave Mr. -Luchar a stunning blow in the guts, just as he was stripping to go to -bed, and dragged him down to the court, where John was in a little -prevailed on to come and see the object of his terror, with his hands -tied behind his back. Then, indeed, he began to be ashamed of his -own behaviour, and abused all his people for letting him be so much -afraid; he scolded the very scullions for letting the bacon be carried -off by so paultry a fellow as Mr. Luchar. In short, he and every body -else threw the blame upon his neighbour, but all agreed in cursing and -sinking sister Peg, to the deepest pit of hell. - -It was hard to say what the poor woman had done to deserve all this -treatment; but some people set to work with her merely because it was -the fashion, and others found their account in it, some in one way, -some in another. As for the game-keeper, it was not very difficult to -see his motive; he had never beat any body before in all his life, and -wanted now to magnify his feats as much as he could, and accordingly -said, that few people knew the amount of what he had done; that if he -had not fought with sister Margaret’s people one and all, he was no -true man; that he totally subdued them, and knew of nobody to compare -himself to, but the ancient conquerors. That if any body said, that the -whole of Margaret’s people was not against him, he was a scoundrel, and -a rascal, and not to be trusted. - -After this, who and who were to be trusted became the great question in -John’s house. There was no pretending to any thing without being able -to talk about trusting; and some people would scarcely let John Bull -trust himself. As for poor Peg, he was the finest fellow that spoke the -most ill of her. Even some of her own children who took care of nobody -but themselves all the time that Mr. Luchar was stirring, came abroad -now to confess with regret, that their mother was a sad vixin; that -she had given Mr. Luchar a dram of cherry-brandy, before he set out -upon that damned unnatural diabolical hell-fire scamper; that for their -parts it was true, they had the misfortune to be born in her house, -some people said of her own proper person, but few people know who -their real parents are: this, however, they knew, that they had left -her very young, and never liked her company. When one had made such -a speech as this, another endeavoured still to improve upon it; and -if one gave his mother two, three, or more abusive epithets, the next -did not fail to give five or six. At last one great dolt of a fellow, -called Bumbo, made a shift to get a round dozen of them on his fingers -ends, with which he never failed to entertain John Bull as often as he -met him. - -The sequel of all this spite to their mother, was a great deal of -kindness to John Bull. Leave matters to us, said they, we shall take -care that so worthy a man shall not be imposed upon; you should -always have some of us about your own person, and give us some decent -employment, that no body may suspect the design of our being here; we -shall take care to place people in that unnatural sister’s house, so -that not a whisper shall be uttered among her gossips, but you shall -hear of it; and these speeches they commonly concluded, with a _beware -of counterfeits_. John upon all this looked like a perfect oaff: he -thought Mr. Luchar’s knife was at his throat every moment; and these -favourable dispositions they took care to improve. One time he was told -that a cousin of Mr. Luchar’s had come in secretly at Peg’s garret -window; at another time, that Mr. Luchar himself had bought a pair of -new shoes; at another time, that his sister Margaret had laughed at -him, when she heard that he went up to the leads; and all this, besides -being asked regularly every morning, what would become of him, if he -had not some trusty friends to stand between him and that unnatural -sister. In short, John was put from his sleep, and his appetite; he -stared and stammered in his speech; you could not hear a word of common -sense from him; and to have spoken a word of common sense, would have -disgraced you with him for ever. - -History says, however, that John did not continue very long in this -humour; and, indeed, it must be owned, that it was for once a good -thing to be of a changeable temper: it would have been the devil -indeed, to have continued for ever in the hands of spies and informers, -perpetually talking of the miseries of human life; and the truth is, -that there was nothing in the world more repugnant to his ordinary -temper; so that though he could not all at once return to a perfect -cordiality with his sister, yet he listened to people who advised him -to take gentle methods with her. He accordingly, let even Mr. Luchar -himself off, with little more than an obligation to put on his breeches -every morning before he came down stairs among the ladies; and sent a -civil message to his sister, to ask her how she did, and to propose -taking a lease of her garret, and said that he would pay her any -rent she chose to put upon it. Many odd projects, indeed, were put in -his head at this time; such as to turn that garret into a stable and -coach-house; to make sister Peg lodge her coals in it, brew her ale, -and wash her linen; in short, to make Mr. Luchar himself, besides -putting on his breeches, carry up earth, and plant cabbages and turnips -upon the leads. It is true, that nothing of all this has been done; but -it is not John’s fault, he was at some expence about it, and meant all -for the best. - - - - -CHAP. IV. - - _How =John=’s affairs had like to have gone to the devil._ - - -We know how difficult a thing it is to write history. Whenever the -reader meets with any thing that exceeds his own pitch, he presently -attacks the credit of the historian; and we shall now be asked how came -John Bull, who was such a coward in his own house, to be so very rash, -as we have said, in that scuffle with Lewis Baboon. The fact is, that -John never was slow at getting into a quarrel; he was choleric beyond -measure; and as for mischief out of doors, there was nobody readier. -He had a parcel of watermen who feared neither man nor devil, and when -he was in his barge, either on the east or the west lake, it was but -a word and a blow with him; he never was afraid to meet with Lewis -Baboon there, nor any where else, except at home. When you proposed to -John, to go over to Lewis’s own house, and break his bones for him, he -thought nothing more easy; but alas, if Lewis talked of coming to him, -matters went no better than we have said. - -You will easily believe, that after that scuffle in the barge, Lewis -Baboon must be in a very great passion. Accordingly, he cursed and -swore like twenty dragoons, that he would speedily see John in his own -house, and show him in the face of Mrs. Bull herself, what sort of a -man he had affronted: this was sooner said than done. But in the mean -time, nobody could tell what was become of John, and all his watermen; -whilst Lewis Baboon went vapouring about every where, and did what -he pleased. He drove John’s cattle out of Cracket-Island, and took -possession of it; although John used to think that nobody could ever -dispute islands with him, so ready was he with his barge to relieve -them: but the truth upon this occasion was, that John had got into one -of these pannics we have mentioned, had applied to Nicholas Frog to -no purpose, and actually brought over Rousterdivel, to protect him. -But the whole neighbourhood laughed at him, when they saw that Lewis -Baboon had no more to do than to talk of going over to John, in order -to do what he pleased every where else; and John got into one of the -greatest passions that ever he was in in his life. All the historians -of that time, ring with the amazing noise which he made about that -same Cracket-Island. He swaggered and stared, and roared and swore, -that John Bull of Bull-hall was abused and cheated by his clerks, -his watermen, his overseers, and every soul about him. When he saw -Rousterdivel, he called to his people to turn out that fellow; asked, -what the devil had brought him to his house; would not give him a bit -of victuals, and threatened to go to law with him about a handkerchief: -and in short, obliged the poor fellow to go away, very much puzzled to -make out what sort of a man this same Mr. Bull must be. - -Upon this occasion, John made such a noise, that he wakened Mrs. Bull, -and brought her down yawning to the parlour, and rubbing her eyes, -after one of those drousy fits, to which she had been lately subject. -He had already, to her no small mortification, chaced away two or three -of her favourite servants, who used to put her to bed every night, and -among the rest his own nurse, who was grown of late a great person -in all Mrs. Bull’s junketings and private parties; and indeed, for -some time, pretended to manage John himself as she thought proper. To -do this nurse justice, there were few people had a better hand at a -sack-posset; and though she had no aversion to a glass of liquor in a -fair way, yet she never tasted what came through her hands in the way -of making cawdle, whey, or panada for the children: we never heard any -thing amiss of her, save that she would take the children’s halfpence -from them to keep, and therewith make up little sums, which she lent -to the servant maids at interest, when they wanted to buy ribbons, or -other trinkets. But the love of money may be forgiven in old age, as -also that meddling disposition which servants usually acquire when -they have been long about a house. The truth is, that nothing could -be more ridiculous than to hear this old woman put in her word upon -all occasions. There was nothing in which she did not think herself a -perfect oracle; she talked to John not only about his markets and his -bargains, and all his dealings with his neighbours, about the choice -of schools and masters for his children; game-keepers, hunts-men, -whippers-in; but, in short, about his drunken quarrels, boxing matches, -cudgel play, and quarter staff. She would govern every part of his -house for him, and no servant durst go with a message from his master, -without first asking her, if she had any commands? - -Hubble-bubble, and this nurse, had gone hand in hand for many a day; -but alas! the loss of Cracket-Island fell heavy upon them both at last. -Bawd, whore and rogue, were the best names they could get from John -upon that occasion, and Hubble-bubble got out of his way as fast as -he could scour; but the nurse broke a cawdle-cup which she had in her -hand, and bid him go find another to make slops for himself and his -children. - -John was greatly helped into this fine humour by one Jowler, for whom -he had a great regard at this time. Most historians agree, that the -name of Jowler was only a nick-name, which this fellow had got from the -boys at school, on account of some odd conceit of a resemblance between -him and a hound of that name in John’s pack. They say, moreover, that -most of the boys had the name of some dog or other given them, and that -they used to make one of themselves the hare, and so hunt him with a -mighty noise, in imitation of John’s pack. As to the dog Jowler, his -resemblance to the person we are now speaking of, has procured him a -place in the records of history. There we are told, that this dog had -a very loud tongue, and that if he could not lead the whole pack, he -never failed, at least, to carry off five or six couple, sometimes on -a right, sometimes on a wrong scent; that he thereby so often spoilt -the sport, that the huntsman was downright crazy with rage, and often -threatened to turn Jowler out of the kennel, and sometimes actually -tied him up at home; but then he made such a noise, that Mrs. Bull -could get no sleep for him in a morning; and the huntsman was as often -obliged to leave Mango’s tomb and plaister in the kennel, whilst -Jowler was suffered to lead the pack. Then John had excellent sport, -and the huntsman no great cause to complain; for Jowler was tractable -enough, and a crack of the whip would make him leave the pursuit of -the stag, for that of a pole-cat, or a rabbit, and this not absolutely -for want of nose, but for fear of being turned down among the babblers -again. - -Although we account it below the dignity of history, to adopt, or -retail nick-names, yet we think ourselves obliged in this case, to -retain a name which has come down to us on the great tide of writers, -which watt and carry the transactions of that age. To return, -therefore, from this digression; Jowler no sooner observed the humour -which John was in, than he chimed in directly; he told him that his -family had never been so much disgraced before; that the scandalous -loss of Cracket-Island was more owing to his overseer, than to the -waterman who was sent to look after it; that it was ignominious for -John Bull, with a house full of fine young fellows, to need the -protection of so sorry a fellow as Rousterdivel; that if he did not -look about him, he would soon become the jest of all the neighbourhood, -and lose all the ground which he had upon the common, or any where -else. To approve of a man’s advice in one thing, and trust him with -every thing, were inseparable with John; accordingly, he put all his -affairs directly into Jowler’s hands, and for the first fortnight -neither Sir Thomas, nor any body else, durst controul him in any thing. - - - - -CHAP. V. - - _How =John= consulted with his friends about the method of retrieving - his affairs._ - - -John was a great person for collecting his friends together to have -their advice, but for the most part he did just what he pleased for -all that; and he had always some point or other in his head, in which -it was in vain to contradict him. This was the case now about the -malversations of his servants, and though there were many people -disposed to soften him, not a mortal durst put in a word. In the -height of his passion he abused every thing that had been done, right -or wrong, for many years before. They had neglected his new farm upon -the common, and sent his horses, his ploughs and carts, to labour -Sir Thomas’s land in the east country; they had run him in debt over -head and ears, pawned his plate, and mortgaged his estate; they had -made his wife, who used to be a notable woman, a mere sot, with ale, -brandy, and slops. The nurse had even spoilt his own stomach with nasty -mawkish warm drinks, and over-heating his ale. With all this in his -head, whenever he went to any of the neighbouring towns, he instantly -repaired to the coffee-house, and poured all forth to the first -person he met. All the world admired the vigour of his spirit, and the -honesty of his intentions, even when he carried matters too far; and -we all know, that if the father of such a family does not make a noise -sometimes, affairs will be managed but so so. - -About this time of which we are now speaking, John had a circle about -him wherever he went, and talked of his affairs from morning to night. -He testified a particular aversion to the employing of Rousterdivel -any more, swore that he himself never would cross the lake upon any -body’s errands, and that if any body came over to meddle with him, he -would show them that he could defend himself. In all which, Jowler -encouraged him strongly, and repeated every word John could say, in a -much higher tone than himself; and next to the point of getting fixed -in the management of the business, seemed to have nothing more at -heart, than to break off all idle connections, to keep John at home, -and put a gun in his own hands, to avoid the disgrace of running to -other people for protection on every trifling alarm. Whatever might be -done afterwards, Jowler knew this was no time to baulk John in any of -his fancies; and accordingly, he assisted in all his consultations, and -nobody so loud as he. - -One day, when John’s tongue was running on God knows where, he was -asked by some of his friends what he intended to do. Do you intend, -said they, to ask Lewis Baboon’s pardon for striking him in the manner -you did, or do you persist in the design of giving him gentlemany -satisfaction? I tell you what, says John, if Lewis Baboon had a -thousand Cracket-islands of mine, and that he would give me them all -for asking his pardon, I would not do it. He is a vile, over-reaching, -undermining, treacherous rogue, and there never will be any peace in -the neighbourhood, as long as that fair-tongued rascal is out of his -grave. Let him come out in his barge again, and I shall meet him; but -I know the rascal, he has perpetually some bad design in his head, and -when he is found out, he will bow and scrape, and make compliments; but -he does not lay it aside for all that, he only waits for a time to put -it in execution, not in a fair gentlemany way, but behind your back, -or when you are asleep, or indisposed: but I will dress his jacket for -him, if I find him put his nose upon the lake again. - -But only suppose then, said they, that he should slip over in the -night, as he has often threatened, with a parcel of his game keepers, -and take possession of your parlour and bed-chamber, which are worth -more than Cracket-Island to him, do you think, he will give you time to -send for Rousterdivel, as you used to do? - -All the fires of Sodom and Gomorrah seize me, says John, if ever I -send for Rousterdivel with his great tobacco-pipe, his sour crout, and -his damned lingo, that nobody can understand. Odds-blood, an’t I as -good a man as Rousterdivel or Lewis Baboon? Though I have not so many -game-keepers, yet I have as good clean-made fellows about my farm as -he; and if my own children will let me be insulted, it is time that -John Bull was gone the way of all flesh. - -But what can your children do for you, said they, when your wife, and -your nurse, and your steward, will not let one of them touch a gun or -a cutlass, and think there is no safety but in the dark cellar, or the -coal-hole, when there is any disturbance in the yard. - -Well, says John, I shall tell them another tale; my boys shall learn to -defend me as they used to do. I have seen the time when the stoutest -of them all durst not meddle with me, and that time shall return again, -if I can get arms enough to furnish my hall, as I always had it, till -now. - - - - -CHAP. VI. - - _How the Nurse dreamt that =John Bull= had banished all the weavers._ - - -We may believe that after so busy a day, as we have been describing, -the Nurse was not likely to get a very good night’s rest; starting, -tumbling and tossing she had in abundance, but very little sound sleep. -She could not shut an eye, but presently she dreamt of some mischief -or other. One time she thought the pan boiled over in the fire; at -another time, that the cat’s paw was in the custard; and finally, about -three o’clock in the morning, she dreamt that John Bull had banished -all the weavers from his house; she saw the beams, the tradles, the -shuttles, the pirns, all tumbled in a heap into a great black boat; she -saw all the weavers posting to embark. When she would have seized a -piece of broad cloth, behold it was a great iron cannon! When she put -out her hand to save a pirn, lo, it perked up in her face in the make -of a pistol! Terror and amazement awaked her; she forgot her resolution -never to talk any more to John Bull about his affairs, and thought -herself now called upon by heaven, to interpose in behalf of him and -his children. - -Accordingly, she lost no time in the morning, but went straight to the -parlour, where she found John as busy as ever, talking about the orders -he was to give in his house: and having told him her dream, earnestly -beseeched him to tell her, whether he had any such intention, with -relation to the weavers; for she thought that a person, who had ceased -to be guided by her, would stick at nothing. - -“The woman is crazy,” says John: “I am only thinking how I may best -secure the peace and welfare of my family, and how to keep off rogues; -and you ask me, if I am to banish my weavers? I’ll defend my weavers -to the last drop of my blood; they shall fare no worse than I do; late -or early, if they are molested, I shall be with them, and I know that -they will stand by me against all the world.” - -“What better protection can you desire for yourself or them,” says the -nurse, “than your own game-keeper, or Rousterdivel? It would do one -good to see, how that fine tall fellow will stop and turn, and do what -he is bid.” - -“A plague take the woman,” says John, “with her Rousterdivel; do -you think that I am a coward, a scoundrel, a beast, a blockhead, a -milk-sop, that I must always run for protection to other people? I tell -you again, that I am able to defend myself, and that I have people -enow about my house to stand by me.” - -“And how do you propose that they should stand by you?” says the nurse: -“When Lewis sends over his game-keepers, with their guns and their -sabres, who will stand by you then?” - -“Odso,” says John, “cannot my people have guns and sabres as well as -they?” - -“Alas! then,” says the nurse, “my dream is read. You will not have a -weaver in your house in three days, if you go on at that rate: who do -you think will sit quietly on a loom, with guns and pistols pointing -at them in every corner, and that boy George putting crackers in -the candles, and firing his pistols at sparrows, and shooting the -neighbours cats when they come about the hedges? See who can settle -to work for you, if they are in perpetual danger of having their eyes -blown out with squibs, serpents and rackets? Do you think a tradesman -can do any good if he is scared at that rate?” - -“Scared!” says John, “you don’t think that a weaver will be scared when -he turns game-keeper, and I have none better on my grounds. If any of -my people are afraid of a gun, so much the more shame to them and to -me; it is the very thing I want to correct, by using them a little to -what may be necessary for their own defence and mine.” - -“Worse and worse,” says the nurse: “if you use them to guns, you’ll -never get them to work a jot; and banishing the trade is worse than -banishing the men.” - -“A tenfold madness has seized your pericranium,” says John; “do you -think that nobody can make broad cloth but cowards; or that a fellow -won’t work, because he knows he can defend the fruits of his labour? -You have no objection to the taking as many of my tradesmen as you can -get, to make game-keepers of them; and because they work none, you -imagine that every fellow who takes a firelock in his hand to defend -himself and me, is to be idle too. Don’t the game-keepers themselves -work when they are allowed, and are paid for it? have not I known them -give money to their overseers, for leave to work at their own trades? -and many a good penny has been got in that way. As my people are useful -to me, and to themselves, I intend that they shall work in safety, and -that nobody shall insult an honest tradesman of mine, whilst they and -I have breath in our bodies. Do what you will, you shall never get me -disgraced as you have done, with your idle jaw and nonsensical trash.” - -“Bless me,” says the nurse, “what a wild project you have got in your -head! You’ll tell me you want to defend your house and your estate; but -to what purpose keep your estate, if you cannot find time, so much as -to eat a bit of warm victuals; hurried late and early, banged, soused -and drenched in all weathers, and this for fear that Lewis Baboon -should turn you out of your possessions; and what matter who has your -possessions, if you cannot sit down to enjoy them? _Et propter vitam -vivendi perdere causas._” - -“Hey-day,” says John, “your humble servant, Latin! I remember you of -old.” “But goody,” says he, “I knew you lived among the boys; but don’t -think to palm upon me as a commendation of eating and drinking and -cowardice, what the old boy for whom I have so often been whipped, damn -him, has said against a fellow who would forfeit his honour to preserve -his life.” - -“Well then,” says the nurse, “see how you can keep your bargain -with Sir Thomas. What will he say, when he sees your house swarming -with pistols and carabines, and cutlasses? you know that he does not -chuse to trust any body in this house with gun-powder, except the -game-keeper.” - -“Blood-and-wounds,” says John, “you are more mindful of Sir Thomas -than you are of me. I have heard nothing from you these twenty years, -but Sir Thomas does not like this, and Sir Thomas does not like that. -I was advised to take Sir Thomas into the management of my affairs, -because Squire Geoffrey endeavoured to get a game-keeper of his own, -and do what he pleased about my house. And now you tell me, that Sir -Thomas and the game-keeper are the only people to be trusted. Those -gentlemen, it seems, will trust nobody else, and who the devil will -trust them? I never knew any of those suspicious people, that was much -to be trusted himself. Ill doers are ill dreaders, as my sister Peg -says. Odso, if Sir Thomas does not think himself safe in my parlour -with me and my children, he must know of something worse than I thought -of. Who was it that brought him about the house? Have not I done all -that lay in my power for him? And now you and he won’t let me defend -myself, because he won’t trust me. I love Sir Thomas; I mean, that he -shall have the disposal of all the arms about my house, and he shall -find that I am his friend, when Hubble-bubble and you are in your -graves, and all the nonsense you are perpetually putting in his head -and mine, is not worth a curse.” - - - - -CHAP. VII. - - _What happened after this conversation with the Nurse._ - - -Who was listening to all this discourse, but the very boy George -himself, whom the nurse was so much afraid of? This youngster, -instead of loitering about the kitchen or the nursery, flattering the -cook-maid, or the nurse, for slops and tit-bits between meals, was -perpetually rambling about in quest of some diversion without doors. -He had procured a pistol and a gun, and powder and shot, all which -he hid in the hay-stack, or in crannies of the barn wall. You would -think that he minded nothing but climbing walls, and scrambling over -hedges; but no sooner did he see two or more people serious about any -thing, than he forgot all his play, came to listen, as he did to this -conversation between John and his nurse, and gave such attention, that -there were few articles relating to the family, of which he had not -an excellent notion; and could see the folly and ridicule of people, -who thought themselves over wise, as well as another: he was a perfect -plague to the nurse, who hated a joke, and was often put downright mad -with his dry wipes and arch sayings. He no sooner heard John talk in -the peremptory manner above related, than he ran away to Mrs. Bull as -fast as his legs could carry him, and told her all that her husband -had said, and a great deal more of his own, without mincing the matter -in the least, by which he convinced her that John was not then in an -humour to be crossed, and that whether she liked the project or no, it -was best to put a good face upon the matter. - -Every body knows that John had devolved great part of his business upon -Mrs. Bull; no tradesman’s bill could be paid without her authority, nor -any receipts granted to any of John’s tenants. In short, neither John -himself, nor Sir Thomas, durst go to a fair or a market, till they knew -whether she would stand to their bargains. This had often been very -troublesome to Sir Thomas, and till he found out the way of managing -her by means of Hubble-bubble, and the like persons, he was obliged to -proceed with great caution, and for the most part to stay at home, when -he would fain have been a gadding. - -John had been so oft married, that it may be said with safety, that no -man in the world ever had more experience in matrimony. He had tasted -at times both the sweet and the bitter; but it was a maxim of his, -that any wife was better than none; and accordingly, no sooner one -wife died, than he instantly married another. He never liked a woman -the worse for having a spice of the vixen; it pleased him to hear the -clack of a woman’s tongue; and the truth is, that in a family like -his, it was no good sign when the mistress was not heard of both late -and early. His present wife had got herself a tolerable name in the -neighbourhood, as a quiet, discreet, good sort of a woman; and John, -accordingly, sometimes almost forgot that she was in the family. She -never let him have any of those disputes with Sir Thomas about settling -the accounts, with which John had used to be delighted; but commonly -passed them in the lump, saying, that every article was just what she -would have thought of herself, for the good of the family. With all -this good understanding with Sir Thomas, it was suspected that she had -not all the respect for her husband that she should have had; and the -more that she never scrupled to talk over all the arts which she had -practised in the courtship, and to tell, how many a pot and penny it -had cost her, to get a good word with his servants, thereby to secure -John to herself, when he might have had his choice of all the country; -and then she would talk of her pin-money, and little perquisites, out -of which, she was perpetually endeavouring to make up some little stock -for herself. The nurse and Hubble-bubble humoured her in all this way -of talking, and said, to be sure, nobody would marry such an old fellow -as John Bull, except with a view to get something by him. By this, and -such like discourse, they had got a great deal to say with her, and -could have easily persuaded her at this time to put off the project -of giving out the guns, if they durst have ventured to cross John in -a thing he was so much bent upon. The boy George assured Mrs. Bull, -that John must have at least fifty or sixty at a time, and all that the -nurse could venture upon, was to make her abate one half; with which -solacing herself in the mean time, she let an order be signed for the -rest. - -It is hard to say, what made Hubble-bubble and the nurse so averse to -this scheme. As for Hubble-bubble it is probable, as most historians -agree, that he did not know very well himself. But the nurse, who was -no fool, most people thought, must have some other reasons besides her -dream. However this be, we shall relate facts as they occur in the -course of our history. - - - - -CHAP. VIII. - - _Concerning sister =Peg=._ - - -When the accounts were brought to sister Peg of all those fine doings -in John’s house; how Jowler was entrusted with every thing, and was -driving it away like Jehu; and how John had brought all his arms from -the cellar, and was determined to fight with Lewis Baboon himself; and -how John’s hall was stuck round, as it used to be, with guns, pikes, -bayonets and cutlasses, mixed, as report was, with stags branches, fox -skins, and solitairs taken from Lewis in his youth; Peg expected a -message every minute to desire she would garnish her hall in the same -manner, and get ready the few young men she had left in her house to -oppose Lewis, in case he should attempt to break in that way. But many -a day passed without any tidings; and what was most surprizing of all -was, that with all this lady’s wonted spleen, and acrimony when she -was vexed, there was scarcely a discontented word heard from her on -the occasion. One morning, indeed, at breakfast, she said, that she -could not blame her brother, but that she could not well understand, -what Mrs. Bull meant by putting such a slight upon her, or how it came -to pass that her own clerks, whom she sent to the office, and who had -nothing else to do but to mind her affairs, never let her hear a word -of the matter. - -This was almost all that she said, for a great while, and that with -so little appearance of concern, that few historians have taken any -notice of it. People who thought of former times, expected bad humour -enough from her on this occasion; but the fact was, that this lady was -greatly changed in her manners and deportment. From being jealous, -captious, and ready to quarrel about a straw, she was grown in a very -little time, a quiet easy-tempered, good-conditioned body, as could be -wished, and this made some people think that the girl might have been -always easy enough to live with, if people had not played tricks on -porpose to vex her, which indeed was so often the case, that you would -have thought her in a perpetual passion; and she was, by the habit of -continual fretting, so much on the catch, that she thought herself -affronted often, when no such thing was meant. In those days her -servants had better lose their ears, than slight her in the manner they -now did, and they commonly stood as much in awe of her, as the servants -in John’s, or any other house could do of their master and mistress. -But it was a changed world now. Her elder boys and upper servants -passed most of their time out of the house, and sent any orders they -pleased, about the kitchen, the cellar, or the farm; and those who -stayed at home, and did the work of the family, forgot the way to -complain. - -Whilst John’s house perpetually rung with the marrow-bones and -cleavers, or cat-calls and groans either in honour or contempt of the -upper-servants, according to their behaviour; insomuch, that Mrs. -Bull’s own woman durst not give herself any saucy airs; in Peg’s house -all was hush, the good and the bad were used almost alike; and as to -the business of the office, it was out of sight out of mind with Peg; -she sent her clerks to wait upon Mrs. Bull, and although she was at -no pains to send people that would not require looking after, yet she -never inquired any more about the matter. Accordingly, they not only -neglected her concerns, but often got bits of the best, for abusing -her to the nurse and the game-keeper, and others of Mrs. Bull’s -gossips; and few or none of them thought of any thing, but how to get a -share to themselves of what was going about Mr. Bull’s house. She had -even the mortification to see some of the worst of them come home, from -John’s counting-room, with directions to keep the keys of her cellar -and pantry, and deal out the victuals to her children; in doing which, -they had a wonderful jargon, which nobody could understand, but which -had a strange effect in benumning and stupifying all their hearers. -They talked perpetually of the _people above_, the _great folks_, or -_the people in power_; and now and then would whisper Peg herself, that -if she kept her temper, the _people above_ might possibly make her a -present of a hood, or a tippet, or a new petticoat, at a proper time; -and though she did not know, who the devil these people above were, -she was perpetually gulled with this sort of talk. Those who pretend -to understand these matters, say, that the people above were such as -had the naming of John Bull’s servants, and that they contrived new -offices, and a variety of perquisites and vails, on purpose to allure -people, who were willing to sell their souls to hell, and cheat their -own father and mother. - - - - -CHAP. IX. - - _How =Lewis Baboon= was belaboured and drubbed; and how =Jowler= - behaved._ - - -What we have already set forth, was the real state of sister Margaret’s -affairs, when her brother took that sturdy resolution for himself, but -left her out. His, indeed, was the best part of the family, and it was -well that matters were carried so far. John was likely some time or -other to go all lengths for his sister, as well as for himself; and it -was the fashion at this time to say, that the great Jowler would never -stop, till every good work was accomplished; but historians do not -mention any great things that he did in the matter. It appears, indeed, -that this fellow did set himself in earnest to touzle Lewis Baboon, and -so beset the lake and the common, that Lewis could no where appear, -without getting a knock on the pate with an oar, or a punch in the guts -with a hand-hoe, and sometimes had musket-bullets whistling about his -ears so thick, that he ran as if all the devils in hell were let loose -at his heels. - -In short, Jowler went on helter-skelter; and as long as John and his -wife were in the humour of paying his bills, he hired all the poachers, -game-keepers, and whippers-in in the country, and did not care a -farthing for a fellow, unless he could send him off the country, to -do some mischief or other. For this reason he made John get as many -game-keepers as possible, but never a word of arming his own children. -He made up matters again with Rousterdivel, gave him all he asked, and -encouraged him to play the devil in the house of Squire South, John’s -old friend. He sent more people to look after Sir Thomas’s farm, than -ever were there before in this world. He brought John in bills of -expence laid out in the East country, so extravagant, and consisting -of so many articles, that you would have thought all the taylors and -apothecaries in the country, had been concerned in making them up. But -Jowler minded nothing of all this; as long as John was in the humour, -he went on, and bullied and roared, and spent his money, as if the -master’s salvation depended on the noise which his man Jowler should -make in the neighbourhood; and there was nothing to stop him, for -peoples tongues were tied up, some by one thing, some by another; and -well did he know how to hold one tongue, that used to be the loudest of -all on the like occasions. - -There was, however, seldom a day but John had the news of some -mischance befalling his foe Lewis, and then he had the marrow-bones and -cleavers at his door, and his house rung with dancing of hornpipes, -jigs, and country bumkins. It was in vain to tell him that these things -would not avail his family a sixpence after all was over, and that he -had forgot the fine resolutions he had taken, about the defence of his -own house at home, the clearing up of his old arms, and sending his -children to the fencing-school. - -Jowler kept him perpetually drunk, in order to get his money to spend; -there was seldom a night, but he made him drink twelve bumpers, and -dance three hornpipes; so that John frequently exposed himself to the -neighbourhood, and in his cups talked no less than of taking the half -of Lewis Baboon’s estate to himself. - -In all this hurry-scurry, the nurse and Hubble bubble were laughing -in their sleeves; they saw their own game played to better purpose, -than ever they durst venture to play it. Sir Thomas and they got the -fingering of more money than ever they had seen before in their lives, -and they might lay it out where they pleased, so they let Jowler have -the honour of the treat: whilst in the mean time they saw no necessity -of taking the arms out of the cellar, and they hoped, that John would -soon forget all that he ever said upon the subject. And so, perhaps, he -would, till Lewis Baboon chose to put him in mind of it again, if it -had not been for the boy George, and one or two more. But George never -rested till he got his gun again, which the game-keeper had taken from -him some time before; and there was no hindering of him, from getting -some choice fellows together on holidays to shoot, as he had an order -for it under Mrs. Bull’s own hand. - -The nurse then thought that she would give them their bellyful; she -said, that Lewis Baboon was coming, and advised Sir Thomas to call -them out of their beds, at all hours of the night, to send them over -hedge and ditch, from post to pillar, and never give them any rest, in -hopes that they would tire of their project; she thought that when they -found there was no money to be got by the bargain, they would beg to be -off. And here historians observe, that this good woman had forgotten, -how much young people like fun better than money. But still she made -something of a bad bargain; she advised Sir Thomas never to let these -people come home, because Lewis Baboon was coming, and to send away -all the game-keepers to his own farm, because Lewis Baboon was not -coming. In short, we can find no clear account of Lewis Baboon’s real -intention, in any historian of that age, much less collect any opinion -about it from the conduct of John Bull’s advisers at this time. - - - - -CHAP. X. - - _How sister =Peg= began to look about her; and how she wrote a letter - to her brother =John=._ - - -Many were the freaks which John had taken in his head at different -times: he once thought of turning lawyer, as every body knows; but -he now despised that and every other profession, and would be nothing -less than a duke or a lord. He thought that he only wanted a suitable -estate to maintain his dignity, and encouraged every scheme that was -laid before him for acquiring it. He had, accordingly, twenty proposals -brought him every day in writing by Jowler, all entitled, “Speedy and -easy methods of acquiring a great land estate, humbly addressed to John -Bull, Esq;” Islands were to be seized here and there by main force; -the whole common was to be inclosed, without enquiring who had a right -there; plantations were to be cut down, and sent to market; farms were -to be let to tenants that John could confide in, and every door was to -be chalked with John Bull’s name in great letters. - -Why should not I, says he, have a great estate, as well as another? -Every body knows, that Lewis did not come honestly by all he has, yet -the rogue is never the worse esteemed in the neighbourhood. - -Whilst John’s head was busied with these hopeful projects, the news -came that Lewis Baboon was coming in earnest. John looked like a person -just awake from his first sleep, and made some motions towards the -back-door, before he recollected that he had some guns ready in the -hall, and that he and his people must be affronted for ever, if they -did not pluck up their spirits. He saw a good many of his people ready -to stand by him, and the blood returned to his face; the game-keepers -were all brought into the yard; and the nurse herself was then glad to -see as many of John’s people in arms as possible; the watermen were -sent out in the barge to meet Lewis Baboon; and John, in short, passed -the night, as easily as could be expected of a man in his situation. - -It is an old saying, Every man for himself, and God for us all. John in -his hurry, barricading his doors, and posting his people, forgot his -sister Margaret altogether. There was, indeed, a game-keeper lodged -in her house, but this poor fellow could scarcely pretend to secure -one door, and Lewis had twenty methods of coming into her house, where -there was neither lock nor latch, nor a single pistol to resist any -body, that should attempt to force his way; and the worst on’t was, -that Lewis had sent a sculler, with some of his game-keepers boys, to -take advantage of this situation. What could a poor woman do? the maids -and the children screamed in every corner of the house, and Jowler sent -a gun to Mac Lurchar, as if Peg’s garret was the only place exposed, -and left her pantry and her cellar to take care of themselves. - -Many people in the house were of opinion, that she should write -immediately to her brother John, to represent her case, and put him -in mind, that when she trusted her affairs to the management of his -clerks, it was in hopes that her concerns would be equally looked -after with his own. Jack, who by this time had sown his wild oats, -and was grown an orderly conversable fellow as you would desire to -see, was clear for writing this letter. “From the little I have seen -of this troublesome neighbourhood,” says he, “I am convinced that no -family is safe from ill neighbours, and thievish servants, without the -master and his children can take care of themselves. _As arrows are -in the hands of a mighty man_, says the Psalmist, _so are children -of the youth. Happy the man that hath his quiver full of them: they -shall not be ashamed, but speak with the enemies in the gate._ That -is the true defence,” says Jack, “and let us have it. A game-keeper -may be out of the way, but the child of the house is always by his -father’s side.” In short, as he was no trifler, so he was seldom idle, -when there was any thing of consequence to be done, and never minded -whether his opinion was asked or no. He spoke loudly on this occasion, -and as he kept a regular correspondence with Sir Thomas, never failed -to tell him his mind. Peg herself, who, as we have said, was rather -gentle and inoffensive in her ordinary deportment, gave some signs of -discontent and vexation; you could see a little fierceness return to -her eye, and the affection and confidence with which she had always of -late regarded her brother, perhaps, at this time helped to augment her -displeasure. It is a grievous thing to be neglected by people to whom -we make advances of kindness and respect: this, however, did not extort -from her any injurious terms to her brother. If there was a cloud, it -was readier to break upon his enemies head than on his. The truth is, -that instead of having that waspish cross disposition, which she had -often discovered in her youth, she now needed some encouragement and -spiriting up, to be able to defend her own. This did not hinder many -people from thinking her greatly improved; she had, indeed, more bloom -in her complexion, or was rather less pale than formerly, and was -what you may call a tight comely woman to converse with, rather than -one of your delicate beauties. But be her person what it would, it was -necessary to defend her house and her children; and people told her, -that if she would write to her brother, he would not hesitate a moment -about putting it in her power to do so. Peg was not near so ready in -taking resolutions as she used to be, when left entirely to shift for -herself; and even so small a matter as writing a letter, she put off -from day to day; at last, she got up one morning very early, and with -the assistance of some of her children and relations, drew up a scroll -of the following letter, which was afterwards copied out fair, and sent -by a careful person to her brother. - - -_A copy of Margaret’s letter to her brother =John=._ - - “My dear Brother, - -“It was with great pleasure that I heard lately from people who -frequent your house, that you had taken a resolution not to depend -any longer upon Nicholas Frog or Rousterdivel for your defence; that -you had collected your spirit very opportunely, and have since found -yourself fortified, by what is the real strength of every family, the -affection and vigour of your own children. My heart warmed to the -prospect of finding myself in the same situation, and I could have -almost wished for an opportunity to see your children and mine fairly -united, against some common oppressor, a case in which I hope they -will always be invincible. But whatever my situation may be, I do not -repine at your prosperity. Our interests, indeed, are unseparable, and -I cannot be persuaded, when matters go well with you, that they can, at -the long run, go ill with me or my family. This made me bear patiently -with your people’s neglect of me, when they ordered your family into -a posture of defence; and indeed, unless it had come of yourself at -that time, I was unwilling to have any matter started, which might have -embarassed you in what you was about, by furnishing, as I was told it -might do, the people who were disposed to cross you, with arguments -against your scheme. Those gentlemen, it seems, have a language ready -prepared with respect to me, but I enter into no contentions with -them. It seems that words have their weight after their meaning has -ceased to be believed. It is in this way only, that I can understand, -why a suspicion thrown upon me in words should be regarded, whilst -your servants in my own sight, carry arms to Mac Lurchar, the only -person almost whom you or I have reason to distrust. I do not condemn -that proceeding of yours; it is an instance of your openness and -good-nature, and I believe has met with a fellow, who has the heart to -stand by his friends, and who, if properly directed, will fight for you -and me, rather than for any body else. - -“But whatever my reasons were, for delaying to put you and Mrs. Bull -in mind of me, I cannot, in justice to my own family, delay it any -longer. Your prosperity I shall always consider as my own; but there -are certain distinctions, which if borne in silence by me, must, even -in your own opinion, render me unworthy of the relation I bear to you. -You used to call me proud. I wish I may not have erred on the other -extreme. When you cease to be proud, I shall not esteem my brother -the more. But whatever weaknesses I may have, how could you for a -moment think of reducing me to the necessity of asking as a favour, -what is the birth-right of all mankind, liberty to defend myself? I -was possessed of this liberty, before I entrusted my affairs to the -management of your servants; and if you and I both afterwards ceased -to use it, that part of our history, perhaps, had better be past in -silence. It never occurred to me, that you might perhaps resume it -yourself, without offering it to me. - -“If a partial distribution of arms in your own family alarmed you, as -it must do every man of common reason, what must I think? the only -person to whom the means of self-defence are denied, whilst I am -surrounded on every hand, by those who carry a badge of superiority, -more certain than scepters or empty pageantry. If my neighbours are at -variance, whoever is uppermost, it seems, I must be at under, a poor -tame drudge, unable to keep my own, or assist my friends. - -“I should tire you, if I was to say every thing that occurs to me on -this alarming subject, and upon an occasion which would justify greater -degrees of impatience, than I have hitherto expressed. When I think, -that the very enemy against whom your people have taken such care to -secure themselves, is now hovering about my doors, where he is sure -neither to find lock nor bar, nor a single musket to oppose his entry, -I may well lose my patience, and wish at least to hear the cause of -this difference explained. - -“I shall direct my own people with you, how to act upon this occasion; -and I must beg the favour, that you will assist in procuring me -directions how to proceed in warding off the blow, with which I am now -threatened; or let me know where I am to find bread for my children, if -what I have within my doors is the property of every fool, who may be -disposed to take it. - - “I am, - with the sincerest esteem - and affection, yours, &c. - - “MARGARET.” - -This letter had a tone of impatience, perhaps, because it was the -sudden burst of a sentiment, which Margaret had been at some pains to -stifle. She meant, as historians affirm, only to speak of the present -alarm; yet she broke into the subject at once, and then was almost -ashamed to own, that she or her children were afraid of Lewis Baboon’s -scurvy waterman, though, to say the truth, she could then have made no -defence. - - - - -CHAP. XI. - - _How this letter was received by =John=._ - - -Margaret certainly did her brother wrong, if she supposed that he had -ever refused her the privilege of defending herself, or that he was in -any degree averse, to give his consent to whatever might be necessary -for that purpose. The fact was, that he had forgot her altogether, and -never once thought of the question, whether she should be put upon the -same footing with himself in this particular. - -When John Bull acted from his own temper, and without reflection, he -never discovered any remains of distrust or antipathy to his sister: -but when any matter came to be seriously considered, and friends, as -John expressed himself, were consulted, then he had, indeed, some -unfavourable maxims relating to her, which he had retained from his -youth, without having ever examined them since; and any ill-disposed -person, putting him in mind of a bit of custard or cheese-cake, which -she had snatched from him in the nursery, could have revived all his -antient prejudices; and then, indeed, from his manner of talking, you -would imagine that his pockets were in perpetual danger. And speaking -of his sister and her family, you would imagine that he had got a -nest of gypsies whom he could not dislodge from his barn, that their -fingers were perfect fish-hooks or harpies claws, perpetually sticking -in his back. There were people enow who found it of use, to put him in -this mood, and they were sure never to neglect it, when any of Peg’s -people whom they did not like, came about the house to sell trinkets, -or asking for service. Then they would ask John, whether he meant to -bring the itch into his family, or go to bed in perpetual fear of -having his throat cut? But if any body came, who was in the use of -flattering, lying, or pimping for themselves, then a lousy fellow who -had been kicked out of Peg’s house, was the most valuable person in the -world, and John could not do too much for him. - -You may believe, that if Hubble-bubble or the nurse, had been warned -of a person’s coming with a letter from Peg on this occasion, they -would not have failed to have called, Stop Thief; but by good luck the -letter was delivered into their master’s own hands, and they durst -not for their lives say a word more on the subject at that time. John -had got some bumpers that afternoon; his watermen had met with Lewis -Baboon’s people, and he was gone abroad with Jowler, to see some boats -that had been taken from Lewis, and wrecks that had been driven on -shore. When he had read Peg’s letter: “Ah!” says he, “poor sister here -is mightily afraid indeed. Here is a spot of work now, Jowler. She is -not so much afraid either, but she wants that her young men should -be armed as well as mine.” “Signify to her,” says Jowler, “that the -greatness and importance of the affairs, in which you are now engaged, -must throw all domestic details into a season of more leisure.” “Ay, -ay,” says John, “tell her we are drinking Lewis Baboon’s dirge here, -the fellow’s joints are stiff by this time; tell her to open a new tap -for her boys, let them be merry, that’s all. She shall not see Lewis -Baboon this twelvemonth, I warrant her. However, as to the affair of -getting guns in her house, if my wife and she can agree about it, I -have no objections.” - - - - -CHAP. XII. - - _How Mrs. =Bull=’s attendants were prepared on this subject._ - - -Margaret could scarcely expect any other answer from her brother; he -might, indeed, have talked to his wife, and it would have become him to -have done so very loudly; but the settling matters of that kind, was -left entirely to her and Sir Thomas. This circumstance Peg knew, and -accordingly wrote to Mrs. Bull, Sir Thomas, and all her own clerks in -the office, to each in the stile which was proper for her to make use -of; and as all the originals are in our hands, not to interrupt the -course of our narration, we intend to defer the publication of them, -with that of many other original papers, to the conclusion of this -great work. - -Notwithstanding that Peg had taken all this trouble, many people -were of opinion that the affair would never be heard of in the -counting-room, so much were they used to see Peg’s affairs overlooked; -but they were mistaken. Gilbert told Mrs. Bull the first or second time -he saw her, what a suit he was to present from her sister, and two -or three of Peg’s boys were determined that it should not go without -a hearing. Mean time, the nurse and Hubble-bubble were not idle. The -scheme which they thought to have frustrated was taking place very -fast. The boy George and his companions were laughing at them as -usual, and the young men who had been sent out to watch Lewis Baboon’s -motions, past their time merrily in the fields, playing at cricket, -pitch-bar, and foot-ball, from morning to night, eat their victuals -with a good appetite, and slept as sound in a barn, as ever they had -done in the best bed in John’s house: all which, the nurse would not -have believed, if you had sworn it to her on all the four evangelists. -In short, there was no appearance of their tiring, and they would have -held out through mere spite, if they had been tired, when they found -that there was any intention to vex them. - -All this was sore enough upon the nurse, without being obliged to see -her predictions equally falsified, by having the same thing tried -in sister Peg’s house. This she could by no means think of with any -patience, and she determined to do all she could with Mrs. Bull -to prevent it. For this purpose, Hubble-bubble and she took their -opportunity to talk to many of Mrs. Bull’s attendants. They put them -in mind of all the perquisites, presents and vails, which had been so -kindly thrown in their way; observed of what consequence the present -affair was to them, and that if they suffered their friends to be -baffled, and discredited, they must not expect to be served so, in -time coming. You may soon get other people in our places, said they, -who will be willing to court you for the sake of your mistress; but -can you go as familiarly to a new comer, to ask for a bit of victuals, -or a glass of liquor between meals? By this and such like talk, they -contrived to secure the people who had Mrs. Bull’s ear. And though they -were sure of herself at last, yet matters would go much more smoothly, -if they could get any of sister Peg’s own clerks to give up the affair, -as if she was not very much bent upon it herself. - -Historians agree, that they tampered with many people for this -purpose; but it is well known that not a soul of them would listen to -proposals of that kind, till they came to Bumbo, whom they would have -tried sooner, if they had not thought themselves sure of him, and -at the same time known what degree of credit he was likely to bring -them. They had sometimes let him loose upon Mrs. Bull before, to very -little purpose; although for discourse he was always ready, and had -stuff in his head, which might be turned into jocular sayings, serious -sentences, pathetic declamations, angry ebullitions, or plaintive -ditties, with equal propriety. He made the same thing pass in all these -shapes, but the hearers did not know either when to laugh or cry, -unless he gave them a signal, by a slap in the chops, a remarkable -roar, or a doleful whine, by means of which it was dangerous to sit -near him; and whether you was near him or no, the changes of his voice -produced an odd sort of mounting and dipping, like the heaving of -waves, and had the same effect in raising a violent inclination to -vomit. They say, that he had often turned Mrs. Bull’s stomach, and that -she always took cordials when she expected a visit from him. This being -the case, he was to be employed with caution; but he had still one -quality, from which they expected some good, and that was his precise -and accurate method of dividing mankind into Thomists and Geoffrites; -in the last of which classes, he commonly put his mother Peg. - -A Geoffrite originally meant any person who was for restoring Squire -Geoffrey to the management of John Bull’s business, and a Thomist the -opposite. What this gentleman meant by these appellations nobody could -find out, for he sometimes bestowed them indifferently on Sir Thomas’s -best friends; and what is more surprizing still, on people who never -thought of Sir Thomas nor Squire Geoffrey in all their lives; as well -as some others, who never thought of any thing at all, but how to fill -their own bellies and their pockets. He himself, it was said, was a -Thomist of this kind; but whilst he did nothing himself, but swallow -the warm pottage he had got from John Bull’s nurse, he wanted to -persuade you, that other people’s heads were constantly taken up about -the divine right of attornies to treat their clients as they pleased. A -Geoffrite was his favourite topic to speak upon; but whether it was to -show his sagacity in finding out what escaped other people, or merely -because he had never seen any body paid for finding out Thomists, it -is certain, that for one Thomist, he would point you out a dozen of -Geoffrites; and you would be surprized, how the devil Sir Thomas got -into the management of John Bull’s or sister Peg’s business at all, as -Bumbo certainly was not in the way to help him to it. - -With all these considerations pro and con, the nurse was extremely -desirous to see him; and as fortune would have it, he was no less -anxious to see her. He wanted at this very time a special reward for -all his services, no less than to be appointed major-domo in Peg’s own -house: this was a sort of a man house-keeper, and was commonly a grave -elderly person who kept the keys of Peg’s pantry, and entertained as -he thought proper any of the tenants, who had affairs about the house. -The last major-domo was lately dead; and as John Bull’s nurse took the -charge of all pantries and nurseries far and near, and would let nobody -meddle with them, but who was of her own chusing, it was not doubted at -this time, that her favourite Bumbo would be the man. But in order to -secure it the more, he furnished himself with a list of some dozen of -Geoffrites, picked up nobody knows how, and containing some of those -who were likely to oppose himself, in getting the major-domo-ship in -Peg’s family. With this provision he went down stairs, and so across -the court to John Bull’s house. - - - - -CHAP. XIII. - - _How =Bumbo= discoursed with =John Bull=’s Nurse, and found her not so - great a fool as he thought her._ - - -Bumbo, without staying to speak with any body, went straight to the -nurse’s closet, where he found her very melancholy, lamenting her -connection with such a fool as Hubble-bubble, and not much comforted -with the thought of having nobody now to trust to but Bumbo. However, -as the saying is, a drowning man will catch at a straw; whenever he -appeared, she got up and embraced him. Which he understanding to be as -much as to say, My dear major-domo, I am glad to see you, was going to -thank her, when she broke out into a perfect rage against sister Peg -and her family. - -What, says she, is the meaning of this impertinent saucy letter, you -have sent from your house to Mr. Bull? have I not enough to do with his -own humours and his freaks, without your refreshing his memory, and -pretending to copy after him like the ass in Æsop? Set you up, indeed! -we should bring our matters to a fine pass, if we minded all your -letters and remonstrances. - -I hope your ladyship, says Bumbo, does not imagine that I had any hand -in writing that letter, or would put any thing in Peg’s head, which I -knew to be so disagreeable to your ladyship; indeed, I could not shew -myself any where, without the hazard of being absolutely worried by the -people who were for writing that insolent letter. - -What shall we do then? says the nurse; if that vixen is so much bent -upon this whim, Mrs. Bull cannot possibly refuse her husband’s own -sister, what the world will call so poor a favour; it would look like -mere jealousy and spleen, and might breed heart-burnings between the -two families. - -Here Mr. Bumbo, perceiving the good woman’s extreme distress, thought -how he best might comfort her, and thereby turn the discourse to the -affair of his own major-domo-ship. My dear madam, says he, don’t be -uneasy; this letter was written by a parcel of Geoffrites, of whom -I have a list in my pocket; the few Thomists that are in that house, -would sooner be hanged than do any thing so disagreeable to your -ladyship. - -Yours are right Thomists, says the nurse; ours here are more -troublesome about those matters, than any body; but assure me, says -she, that this letter is a forgery, and I shall love you as long I -breathe. - -A mere forgery upon my salvation, says Bumbo. - -Well said, says she, what comfort you give me! Let us away to Mrs. -Bull, and have those forgers tried to the utmost. - -Before your ladyship goes, says Bumbo, I have a little affair to -mention: your ladyship knows, that the major-domo is dead, may not I -presume to hope, that your ladyship will do me a good office with Sir -Thomas on this occasion? - -Assure yourself that you shall be major-domo, says the nurse; but you -must not go, till Mrs. Bull has heard your evidence about the forgery. - -Upon my honour and reputation, says Bumbo, there is no occasion; the -forgery will appear quite plain, every word of it forged, as I declare -to you; but that unnatural woman was persuaded to desire me to second -her application, and your ladyship knows, that even a major-domo leads -but a dog’s-life, if the mistress and every body be against him. There -is Small-Trash, the Laird of Lick-pelf’s brother, will give his oath -about the forgery; and that is the same thing as if I did it myself, -for every body knows that we always swear the same things. - -I don’t understand your scruples now says the nurse; would any woman -desire you to second a forged application? Besides nobody ever heard -of Small-Trash; and we cannot be answerable for trusting his evidence. -Stay, stay, my dear major-domo, and give us your own proper evidence in -this important point of forgery. - -I pray, says Bumbo, that your ladyship would consider my straits; I -dare not say a word about Geoffrites; every body will roar, and say, -they knew what was a coming; nor dare I speak my mind about Peg; I beg -that your ladyship would not expose me like a bawd on the pillory, to -be pelted, battered, and splashed with rotten eggs, chewed apples, and -street dirt, for the faithful counsel which I give in your private ear. -I will do twice as much for you in another way. - -Well, well, says the nurse, I see the matter is hard, Gilbert and James -will carry all before them. I shall neither meddle nor make; Sir Thomas -will be imposed upon about the major-domo-ship. There are many people -looking for the place, and let me tell you it is an office of great -consequence. You are young, Mr. Bumbo; and they say, you are hot when -my back is turned, and you do not understand much of the larder or the -pantry, and you huff the poor tenants when they come about the kitchen, -and that Margaret herself has not that confidence in you, which the -mistress of a family should have in a person, who has such a trust -about her house. In short, I have had many disputes on your account, -and now I am an old woman, and don’t meddle much. There is little -appearance of my being able to obtain this favour for you; but you may -talk to Sir Thomas about it yourself. I am, indeed, very much out of -order; old age has many infirmities; a very severe cough I have, and -am troubled with wind; indeed, I have not eat an ounce of victuals for -these three days. - -It is impossible to describe what passed in Bumbo’s countenance -during this harangue. It changed from suspence to embarrassment, from -embarrassment to confusion, from confusion to absolute despair; and -there it settled, when the nurse concluded her speech and was just a -going. Well, says he, with a faultering voice, I have got many enemies -on your account and Sir Thomas’s; here they are, pulling the list out -of his pocket, sworn Geoffrites, as I hope to be saved. - -That will not do, Mr. Bumbo, says the nurse; we do not care a rush for -your Geoffrites or your Thomists either. They do well enough in their -time, but when one is about serious business, I hate trifling. If John -Bull and his sister take the defence of their houses upon themselves, -we may all go packing. What influence can any body have in a family, -where he has little or nothing to give away? I have been all my life -contriving things for Sir Thomas and myself, to take to ourselves, -or to give away, and now you would have us part with one of the best -things we have. I have found, Mr. Bumbo, that a person’s influence in -any family, depends on the number of good things he has to give; you -must have caps, ribbons and petticoats for the maids, sugar-plumbs -for the children, and luncheons for the clerks, and be able to help a -footman now and then out of livery, otherwise they will not give an -old song for you; and Sir Thomas has found plenty about John’s house, -otherwise Mrs. Bull and he would not be so good friends as they are. -People must have their vails and their perquisites. Many a time has -Sir Thomas obliged his friend with a game-keeper’s place or so; and -consider with yourself, that if John continues to do any part of that -business himself, what numbers, not only of game-keepers, foresters and -whippers-in, but even weavers, taylors, smiths, accountants, bakers, -tanners, and shoe-makers, will forget the way to Sir Thomas’s closet, -and never think more of Hubble-bubble, or your humble servant. And then -the management of Rousterdivel’s affairs when he was brought over, -was an excellent thing; trust me, many a pretty fortune has been got -by Rousterdivel. But it is all over, Mr. Bumbo, all over; and now a -person who comes to ask for a major-domo-ship, thinks he may do what he -pleases. - -Much honoured madam, says Bumbo, I hope you do not consider the -scruples of a friend as an absolute refusal. I have always been ready -to swear what you please, and if my oath be required to this forgery, I -am ready to give it. - -That was spoken like a major-domo, says the nurse; let us away to -Hubble-bubble, and settle the tenour of your evidence. - - - - -CHAP. XIV. - - _Showing how it was the fashion to harangue Mrs. =Bull=._ - - -Altho’ Mrs. Bull, in all matters of consequence, generally took her -resolution before she came into the office, yet it was the fashion to -talk to her, as if she was undetermined to the last; and she herself -humoured people in this whim, by listening to them, as if she was -drinking in instruction at both her ears, from every word they said. -This same had its consequences, for she got the habit of doing nothing, -unless some body spoke to her more or less, and then if she was never -so much determined upon a point, she was often out of countenance, -when all the talk and the noise was on the other side. - -This circumstance made Jowler so precious a fellow, that Hubble-bubble -himself, at the time he had most to say with Mrs. Bull, would have -given a piece of his ear to have had Jowler hold his tongue; which he, -however, would never do, till he saw time and place convenient. Then do -historians say, that they have seen him as silent as a lamb, or making -his noise on t’other side of the same question. - -However this be, you may believe that this affair of sister Peg’s was -not to pass without talking enough. Mrs. Bull was no sooner seated, -than there were people enow ready to advise her; she was told to -put off the matter to another time, that it was an affair of great -consequence, and that Peg appeared to be in too great a hurry. Which -was scarcely said, when she was told, that her ladyship was no stranger -to such subjects, that she had heard enough of it lately from her own -husband, and given her opinion; that the people who spoke of Margaret’s -hurry, were certainly in jest, and meant to ridicule the poor woman for -her long patience and forbearance. - -In short, some people said, that they did not think it was safe to -trust sister Peg with any arms at all. They bid Mrs. Bull recollect, -whether she had not heard, that Peg had been in the practice of biting -and scratching her brother, when they were both in the nursery; and -asked, what security John now had, that she might not beat him out of -his own house, or otherwise use him as she thought proper. - -Mrs. Bull herself was ashamed of this argument; for a woman, whatever -she may think, cannot bear to hear her husband meanly spoke of. But she -was soon relieved of this distress, by a person who set forth John’s -manhood to some purpose; and in short, gave his opinion, that to be -afraid of so inferior a force was mean and dastardly, to express any -jealousy of Margaret’s dispositions was injurious and abominable, as -they had every reason to believe, that she was well satisfied with her -brother, and only meant to tread in his steps, in a matter which would -be so honourable for both. - -One fellow came running from the pantry, with a bib and an apron, and -quoted the nurse’s dream; he said, that although John Bull had banished -the weavers, it was no reason why his sister Peg should do the like; -that she had more need to have a piece of cloth sent her to make coats -for her children, than authority for any such pernicious scheme; and -that if she and her whole house were at the door, he would not grant -so ruinous a favour; that he remembered to have heard the condition -that both houses were in, when every body thought himself qualified to -fight, that there was then neither wheel nor loom within the door, and -nobody wrought any at all; and he asked Mrs. Bull, whether she would -have those times revived? - -To this it was said, that every body might have heard of times, when -people wrought very little, but that they always wrought more or less; -and that if there was less work done formerly than now, it was because -fewer people were bred to business, and because there was not so ready -a market for fine cloaths or other niceties, by which tradesmen get -their livelihood; but that now when every body is bred to business, and -a tradesman’s work is well paid for, it was absurd to say, they would -grow idle, merely because they could keep their own, and were put in a -condition not to be robbed and plundered. - -This did not hinder others from talking on without end. Some of your -fine-spun faint-hearted thinking people declared, that they did not -think that John Bull or his sister could prosecute this scheme; it -was a fine one indeed, they said, but the brother and sister were now -too old to think of such projects; a good warm bed, an elbow-chair, -or a couch, a glass of cordial, or a bit of comfortable dinner, were -properer subjects for them to think of, than scrambling over hedges, -lying out of nights, and dry blows: That game-keepers might be -dangerous within doors, but that John had now no other chance to keep -off roguish neighbours: That either his own game-keepers, or those of -other people, would lay him in his grave at last: That it became him -and his sister who had so many marks of age about them, rather to think -of preparing themselves for the other world, than to talk of vapouring -any longer in this. In short, there was no end of the impertinencies -which were spoken in this strain, all giving Mrs. Bull a speedy -prospect of widowhood, and turning her thoughts toward Sir Thomas, or -some other of your spruce young gallants. - -Some said it was lucky that John heard nothing of all this, for he was -sometimes as jealous as ten furies, and if he had symptoms of age, -he had likewise remains of youth, which would have very ill brooked -such insidious attacks on his honour. For our parts we wish that he -had heard every word of it, and had given the person who spoke so, a -slap in the face; for we do not see what any body has to do putting -people in mind of their age, and we are very sure that John will not -die the sooner, for doing all he can to keep himself alive; and if he -was to die to-morrow, we would rather see him hearty and well while he -lives, were it but for an hour, than moping and drooping his head, and -in terror not only of what is to come in the other world, but even of -every fool who may think to tread upon him in this. - -No sooner the rustling, whispering and hubbub which this speech had -occasioned was over, then in steps a game-keeper, to tell how much -better he could defend the house than any body else. For you must know -that the game-keepers were very angry, and treated John Bull as little -better than a poacher, for pretending to keep a gun in his own house. - -He told Mrs. Bull that her husband and his family were mere aukward -lubbers, who never could get the strut nor the air of a game keeper to -the end of the world; that a man could not fight unless he gave his -whole time to it; and that unless a man could fight to purpose, he had -better not fight at all. - -This speech met with an answer too. It was said, that every body would -fight till he ran away; that some people ran away sooner, and others -later; that nobody, however, could do it sooner than the game-keepers -themselves had done upon occasion; whether their manner of running -away was better than any that John or his sister could attain, this -speaker would not pretend to say; but he saw no harm in letting them -have a gun in their hands now and then, to use them to it, in order -that they might stand as long as possible, if any body came to attack -them; and he could see no objection to this, unless it was said, that -people were the worse for being used to a firelock, and fought best -when they knew nothing of the matter, which from what he had heard of -new hired game-keepers might possibly be the case; but that people -would probably not urge that argument; and for his part, he had always -considered a previous use of arms, as an advantage in times of danger; -and therefore, he thought that not only Mr. Bull, but his sister too, -should have as much of it, as was consistent with their situation. - - - - -CHAP. XV. - - _How Mrs. =Bull= sat still and heard a great deal more on this - subject._ - - -We cannot well tell how it happened, that although Mrs. Bull was -considering only, what answer should be given to sister Peg’s letter, -yet John’s own affairs were brought in head and shoulders, and it -seemed as if people were afraid to hurt Peg, except through John’s -sides. The truth was, that though some people did not like to see the -humour spreading, they did not chuse to stop it by objections peculiar -to Peg, in which they could have been contradicted; and as the state of -disparity to her brother, in which she was put, could by no means be -glossed over, they chose to keep away from it as far as possible, and -speak only in general terms, Peg’s clerks found themselves obliged to -do the same thing. One of them told Mrs. Bull, that he came there to -sollicite a piece of justice for an aged parent, and was surprized to -find so many people ready to dissuade her from granting it. - -If there are, says he, sufficient objections to the use of arms in a -family, discontinue it in your own; if there are not, why disgrace one -part of your house, by refusing what all mankind know to be the great -distinction between masters and slaves? - -I am surprized, however, to hear so much concerning the absolute -inconveniencies of this measure. It may be inconvenient for a man to do -any thing at all for his own defence; but if it be necessary for his -preservation, to what purpose talk of inconveniencies? It is certainly -meant by people who speak in this strain, that the method now in -question is more inconvenient than that by game-keepers, which is the -only other one that I have heard of. If this is their opinion, they -should have entered somewhat farther into the question, than at present -they appear to have done. - -This family has been for some time in the practice of committing -their defence intirely to a certain class of people, whom they call -game-keepers. Those are the only persons about the house, supposed to -know any thing at all of the use of arms; they are set apart from the -rest of the family, and by their manner of life, are made to shake off -all connection with them as much as possible; and this, I suppose, -that they may be at all times ready to go any where, or do any thing -that their profession may require, without any regret of their own, or -incumbrance from other people. - -They are taught, for the same reason, to obey their leader implicitly, -and to know no law but his commands; to all which conditions they -bind themselves for life; and in the mean time, do no work either in -seed-time or harvest, but are fed at the expence of the family. - -This, I apprehend, to be a very fair description of a game-keeper, -as that profession is now maintained. Every body knows that Mr. -Bull has chosen this expedient with great reluctance. He was always -apprehensive, that whoever was master of the only arms in a house, -might soon become master of the house itself. The practice, however, -stole upon him, and for ought I know he might have gone all lengths -in the use of it, if he had not been ashamed of a sudden, to find -himself and all his family afraid to look any enemy in the face. He -bethought himself of the wretched condition he must be in, either if -his game-keepers should turn against him, should desert him, or even -be out of the way at an unlucky time. And to fortify himself against -those calamities, he has distributed a certain quantity of arms among -his children; a certain number are to be named in their turns; to learn -the use of those arms, under the direction of a person, to whom all -his other affairs are so happily intrusted. The people who receive -this instruction live in the family, and mind their business, with the -single interruption, which some days of practice, or necessary service -may occasion. When they have taken their turn, they leave that station -to others, and live as before; with this only difference, that if the -house is alarmed, they are readier to act a part, in which they have -already had some practice. - -We have heard enough of the impossibility of putting this scheme in -execution; but, I think, it is found sufficiently practicable, when we -want to have somebody in place of the game-keepers, whom we employ so -liberally elsewhere; and therefore, I shall not now say any thing at -all upon that point. - -Has it then any inconveniencies which do not attend every other method -of self-defence? The expence, the interruption of business, the trouble -attending it, do certainly not exceed what is found of the same kind, -in maintaining the profession of game-keepers. In point of expence, it -is evident we can afford a much more numerous body of men in this way -than in any other, if instead of augmenting our game-keepers without -end, to vie with our neighbours, we are satisfied with a moderate -number in ordinary times, and prepare this resource for ourselves, -against any sudden alarm. - -With respect to the interruption of work, it must be allowed, that -nobody can possibly work less than a game-keeper. To have so many -people idle in succession, or the same number of individuals idle for -their whole lives, appears to me precisely the same thing, with this -only difference, that a game-keeper is idle, whether there be occasion -to employ him in his profession or no, the other is not. - -As for the trouble, I do not know any body who can have cause to -complain of it, except Mr. Bull and his sister; and when they are -tired, they will probably let it alone, without troubling your ladyship -for any orders about the matter. - -But I find people of very solemn authority, who tell us that it is -dangerous to trust the youth of a family with arms. That besides -quarrelling among themselves, they will fly in the face of every body -else. That they may even drag your ladyship off that couch where you -sit, and kick us your clerks down stairs. I should be glad to know -from whom it is you are to fear these outrages; or if any body in -reality was to offer them, to whom would you apply for protection, -but to those who call you their lawful superior and their parent. It -is strange, that a parent should be supposed to have no hold in the -affections of her own children, or that they who stand first in point -of esteem and respect in the family, should be in danger of being -maltreated by those with whom they are so nearly connected. For my -part, if the children of this family improve in their courage, their -vigour, and their spirit, I expert to improve with them, and should -be ashamed to own, that I fear losing, in that case, the respect and -affection, with which I am now received among my companions. - -At any rate it seems it is owned, that we may quarrel among ourselves; -and pray who is it we would have to be worsted, in case of such a -quarrel? Can we foresee who will be in the right, that we may arm them, -and nobody else? It seems, we are sure, the game-keeper, at least, will -be always in the right, since we are for keeping him perpetually armed, -and for rendering all the rest as tame and helpless as possible, that -he may have the less trouble, or find them ready subdued to his hand. -Or do those who alarm us with the fear of domestic quarrels, pretend -that the game-keeper will never quarrel with any body? I would gladly -avoid this subject, but the question is forced upon us. I honour the -profession of which I speak, and would often in my life have gladly -embraced it. But when I was describing it to you, I thought that I was -pointing out the most dangerous quarter, into which the spirit of -domestic faction can come. Here is an order of men, who are always in -readiness to act, whose leader is always prepared; in possession at all -times of great power, and at all times desirous of more. Other factions -may lurk under-ground in the seed, or spring into view to be crushed as -they appear. But this is at all times a full grown plant. There needs -no giant to tear it from the roots, nor is there any great address -required, with the help of this weapon, to confound and destroy all the -civil and domestic institutions of men. - -I speak not with a view to excite groundless jealousies; I speak in -behalf of an institution, which is now compleated in one part of the -family, and which, if carried to the other, must prove our best -security against ill-designing men, from within, or from without, in -either house. If it be an advantage where it is already established, -I hope that your ladyship will not refuse to share it with an only -sister, who would be glad to employ all her force in your service, and -now only claims her privilege as a piece of justice, from a person to -whom she has intrusted the management of her affairs. - - - - -CHAP. XVI. - -_How =Bumbo= gave his evidence._ - - -We are far from commending the practice of certain historians, who -pretend to give the compleat speeches which were spoken many ages -before, by leaders of armies, members of councils, and orators in -popular assemblies; we maintain that nobody can do this, except the -devil, or some person to whom the speaker himself gave a copy of his -harangue in writing. This not being our case, we content ourselves -with giving a few broken hints, such as we have been able to collect -from the best authorities, in order to give our reader some notion of -the substance of what was said to Mrs. Bull upon this great occasion. -With respect to the contents of this chapter, indeed, we are singularly -happy, in having met with the memoirs of Suck-Fist, a very learned man -of that age, who used to feed the game-keeper’s pointer, and being -present with Mrs. Bull on this occasion, has transmitted to posterity -the particulars of Bumbo’s appearance. - -By him we are informed, that Bumbo, after all, was not put to his oath; -that the terrors of a formal oath approaching, he so explained what he -had said about the forgery, that it was not thought expedient to put -him to it in public; and the nurse thought it was better to hazard a -speech from him at large, which if the lady’s bowels could bear to an -end, would at least show the world, that there was one of Peg’s own -people against granting her request. - -Bumbo therefore appeared with this view, as no better could be made of -it. Suck-Fist relates, that he began with declaring the instructions he -had got from Margaret, to second her application. He said, that for -his part it was his opinion, that nothing could be more reasonable than -the proposal she made; that if John Bull had arms in his house, or sent -his children to the fencing school for a month or two, there was no -reason why Margaret should be hindered from doing the same thing; and -that there was nothing more desireable than to have every distinction -between the two families abolished. - -Were not Suck-Fist a writer of good authority, both in point of -judgment and veracity, we should be apt to question the following -particulars of his narration; they are so repugnant to what went -before, and so totally void of sense or coherence, that not only we, -but all future historians will hesitate before they transcribe this -part of his memoirs into their works. But as fiction is often more -probable than truth, we draw a presumption of veracity from the very -want of likelihood in the case, and are sure that such things could -never have come into any body’s head, if they had not been true. To -dissuade Mrs. Bull from signing the order, which, it seems, was brought -her ready written, relating to Peg’s people, he tells her, that it was -exactly like that she had already given in her own house. He did not -pretend, at least in public, that the Geoffrites were many in Peg’s -house, yet he would not even let Sir Thomas pick and chuse, but said, -it was giving arms indiscriminately, to raise turbulent spirits. He -commended Mac Lurchar extremely, and said it was a pity to take him -off his loom, except he was to be transported; that giving him arms -would spoil his hand as a weaver, and hinder his fighting, in which he -had behaved so gloriously, that he did not deserve to be discouraged, -much less annihilated, till John had made up matters with Lewis Baboon. -He pointed at many bad consequences, that would attend employing Mac -Lurchar, for the defence of the house, such as spoiling a good weaver, -and the like; but he insisted, that no distinction should be made -between him and any body else, by pushing a line, or any other method -that could separate the house into two parts; I implore, beseech, and -intreat, says he, that you would not push any such line across our -house; let us all be treated alike, and if there be any of us who are -not in danger of being molested, or others who are not fit to carry -arms, let us all be refused them together, that nobody’s mind may be -ruffled, nor any heart-burnings be left, but those which do or may -subsist between John Bull himself and his worthy sister Margaret; they -have been used to more dust than any can raise between them, and can -bear it all. He advised Mrs. Bull to do nothing at all in Peg’s house, -lest she should forget something; when you have shown to us, that you -can remember every circumstance at once, then we will apply for your -directions, or devise a method of our own; and as Margaret has already -born the disgrace of this difference so long, I see no reason why she -may not bear it some time longer; her house can never be more open, or -more defenceless than it is now, nor her children less qualified to -resist thieves; and I see no reason to hurry the supply of defects, to -which she is now so well accustomed. He concluded by telling Mrs. Bull, -what a dangerous thing it would be to give any orders in Peg’s house, -when he was told that her ladyship was just going to give some fresh -order in her own. - -These particulars, posterity will no doubt admit upon the testimony -of Suck-Fist; especially as he adds, that if any body shall say, that -Bumbo reasoned upon other principles, he is ready to contradict them, -by saying it is not true. He subjoins, that Jowler paid him great -respect in speaking after him; and we ourselves know, that Small-Trash -exclaimed, that he had gained immortal honour. - - - - -CHAP. XVII. - -_How Mrs. =Bull= settled her stomach._ - - -Mrs. Bull, in the course of the foregoing speech, was observed by -many people to change colour, and before it was done, hartshorn-drops -and smelling-bottles were produced in abundance. Every one said, that -nobody but Jowler could settle her stomach, for he used to stun her -sometimes, so as to take away the sense of every thing else, which has -often been observed to have very good effects in trifling illnesses, by -drawing off the patient’s attention, as the fear of drowning will do in -the case of sea sickness, and blisters, caustics, and stimulusses, in -the case of other disorders. Jowler accordingly set to work with her: -but for want of the big words, with which he used to coax John Bull, -and which he avoided now for reasons best known to himself, he could -produce nothing that day, but a maukish sort of stuff, that was little -better than the warm water, which people are made to drink after a -vomit. - -In short, Mrs. Bull was up and just going, when one of Peg’s clerks -begged her not to be rash in dismissing a business, in which the -interest, the honour, and the preservation of her husband’s family, -were so deeply involved; he told her, that he was surprized, to find -any objections made to the terms of the order that was laid before -her, as they did not pretend to ask any more at that time, than that -she should appoint a day to consider that order, and correct it if -she thought proper; that if she refused that request, the whole world -must say, that she was determined to hear no reason on the subject, -and would be left to suspect, that she had as little inclination to -the measure in Mr. Bull’s own house, as in his sister’s; for he had -scarcely heard one argument, that was not equally strong against it in -both. That whether this was the case or no, he never could think the -establishment secure, whilst it reached only to one part of the family, -nor the union between the two houses compleat, whilst some were treated -like step-children or bastards, and others like gentlemen and heirs to -the paternal estate. - -It were painful, says he, to lay before you at large the iniquity -of such a conduct, of which I believe you incapable; but if you are -disposed to hear what may be offered on the point in general, I have -yet those impressions deeply rooted in my breast, which made me wish -for this establishent in your house, as the best security to your -fortune, your honour, and your life. Impressions, which make me behold -with joy, the steps you have pursued, altho’ I am now reduced to the -necessity of begging as a favour, in behalf of a parent, what, on -the foot of equal treatment, she has a right to demand; and what, if -refused, must appear as a stain to her honour, and a mark of disparity -which she was not born to endure. But her opposers have saved us the -trouble of enlarging on this topic, and wisely made it unnecessary to -prove, what is already too plain. - -The arguments are such as would make us believe, that every moment -which is bestowed by individuals for the good of the public, is lost -to that family for which it is bestowed. They talk of the advantage -of private industry, but speak of every practice that connects an -individual in his views or affections with the family to which he -belongs, as an allurement to idleness and sloth. To act for the family, -to defend it in times of peril, is the noblest office to which any -individual can aspire; and if he labours within your doors to heap up -wealth, without having a soul capable of this office; you may call -him, indeed, a gainful property, but will scarcely show him among your -children, when they come to appear before those who are judges of men. -Who upon such an occasion would point out a sneaking mercenary selfish -coward, and call him his child? Yet such is the race which we are -desired to propagate, and such is the character which we are cautioned -not to corrupt. - -We have heard from many the praise of industry, as if any body were -inclined to dispute that praise. We have heard at large, the advantages -of wealth, as if wealth and industry were inconsistent with the measure -for which we contend. From this source, say they, your store-houses and -your granaries are filled: let them tell us then from what source the -defence of our stores are to proceed? Will our wealth deter a rapacious -enemy? Are the eagles intimidated, when they are told that the doves -are fatter than they? No; but our wealth will hire a protector. Who -then will defend us against the protector whom we have hired? Is the -gripe of a rapacious hireling less to be feared, than that of a rival -at the gate? But our wealth, we are told, will enable us to maintain -a large and a numerous family. But what is it will render that family -worth maintaining, or make the company of those numbers that we hear of -desirable? For my part, I never thought it a blessing to be placed in a -multitude of base, degenerate, and selfish men. If the people we live -with are vile, the more there are of them, just so much the worse. - -I have been surprised, therefore, to hear gentlemen speak of filling -a house with men, without ever mentioning the quality of those -numbers they mean to assemble; and speak of cloaths and food, as -of consequence, whilst the character of him who is to use them is -neglected. A little reflection will convince, that the soul of a -man is of more value than his possessions, and that the happiness -of individuals, as well as that of the families which they compose, -depends more on the generosity, justice and fortitude of their spirit, -than on the trappings in which they are cloathed, or the quantity -of merchandize they sell to their neighbour. They, however, who -contend that the present measure is inconsistent with the success of -industry and traffic, throw these advantages into a light of greater -contempt, than I am disposed to do. We excell our predecessors in the -art of procuring wealth; we excell them in the knowledge of domestick -oeconomy; why should we not excell them too in the skill and resolution -to defend advantages, which so far exceed what they ever possessed? - -Without we carry this quality along with us, other advantages are of -little avail; wealth and affluence are but allurements to rapine; even -a disposition to gentleness, humanity and candour, but exposes the more -to the assaults of others, and doth not secure the integrity of him who -inherits it. If I contend with a knave in behalf of the innocent, and -dare not stand the hazard of a contest when brought to extremes, my -antagonist knows how to prevail from the first, for I shrink from the -countenance of a person who is hardier than I. I am prepared on the -slightest trial to betray my friend, my brother, my father, and the -honour of my race. I am already formed for a slave, and hold my safety -and my life by the tenor of another’s will. There is no vice, which may -not be grafted on cowardice, as successfully as upon avarice itself, -that other stock which we are so willing to cultivate. - -I shall be told that the people of this house are yet far removed -from this despicable extreme. I hope they are, and that every assault -of injustice would meet with a hardy and resolute opposition in the -members of this family; but let us beware of the extremes, to which -our maxims and our practices may finally carry us. - -We educate a few only to the use of arms; them, indeed, we endeavour -to inspire with courage and a contempt of danger, but we endeavour -at the same time, by throwing them into a separate way of life, to -weaken their connection with the family, and to stifle the sentiments -of filial tenderness and respect, under the load of artificial -subordinations, to which they are bound for life. The familiar use -of arms may fortify the breast; but more is required to accomplish a -faithful and dutiful child, a tender, a generous affection, to that -parent, whom he is bound to defend. - -The flower and choice of our young men, croud into the profession of -which I speak: for what station is more desireable to a man of spirit, -than one in which he can exert the native vigor of his mind, and stand -in the light of a protection and defence to his father’s house? They -place themselves in this station with a glowing and ardent mind, but -their continuance in it seldom fails to extinguish or depress those -sentiments, and leave no impression but that of a servile dependance on -the persons under whose directions they are placed. - -Whilst we thus educate one part of the family, the remainder, we say, -are left to cultivate pacific arts; and those arts must be pacific -indeed, which render the ability of self-defence unnecessary, by which -men are made tools to procure the means of life, and are scarcely -put in mind, that they have a right to defend the privileges of men, -against all who shall presume to attack them. The former are bred -to commit acts of violence, in cold blood, the latter to bear them -with a tame and dejected soul. Did we resolve to try what the utmost -corruption could do, to debase, to sink and destroy a race of men, a -more ingenious contrivance could not be found than this we are disposed -to follow. - -It is the business of one man, it seems, to think of nothing but -quarrels and violence; to another, it is not even permitted to defend -himself. In this hopeful partition of your children, where are you to -find the generous, the manly, and the dutiful spirit, equally prepared -for times of quiet and of trouble? A spirit, which the suspension -even of domestic government will not discompose, but which can, by a -well-directed resolution and vigor, restore that order, which it is so -well qualified to adorn and maintain. - -If we would have any vestige of such spirit remain among us, let those -who have the habits and affections of children, be likewise endowed -with the force of men; let those who call you parent be inspired with a -resolution to stand by you in all your distresses and difficulties; and -whilst they enjoy the privileges and immunities of children, be taught -to know that it is their duty to defend them. - -I was always fond of the measure now under consideration, because it -aimed at producing those happy effects. You need not be told in what -manner it tends to produce them, for your family has already gained -strength by pursuing it; and I feel with pleasure, the hopes of a -gallant and happy race of men, likely to continue in this house. But -let not so wise a measure be partially pursued; let not one part of -your race be doomed to baseness and servility, whilst the other is -formed to elevation and honour. One rotten member is sometimes found to -spread corruption over the whole, and a lurking humour in one corner, -to destroy the soundest constitution. - -Your wisest establishments, when confined to a part, may perish for -want of that emulation, which, when all are equally engaged, must -kindle the ardor and spirits of generous minds. And the implements of -slavery may one day be brought from that corner, to which you now deny -the privileges of free-men. Into other families we have heard that a -master has come, who turned his dwelling into a jail, where nothing -is heard but the clank of chains, and the crashing of iron bars. He -himself is distinguished by the gloomy depression of his look; the -whip, which he holds in his hand, and the instruments of death which -are carried before him. But where are the ministers of his cruel -purpose to be found? They are purchased with gold in those obscure -corners of his neighbourhood, where every man that is born is a slave. - -It has been the practice of other families to condemn a particular race -to servile purposes. Their names were never reckoned in the list of the -family, their numbers never estimated as any part of their strength. -For they were such as by their crimes deserved no better treatment; or -by the baseness and servility of their minds, had naturally sunk into -this station. But never did the father of a family, by any supercilious -neglect or act of violence, throw down the offspring of his own blood, -into a state of such deplorable inequality. - - -_FINIS._ - - - - -Transcriber’s Notes - -Minor errors in punctuation have been corrected. - -Page 81: “in the neighbourhod” changed to “in the neighborhood” - -Page 126: “more surprizng” changed to “more surprizing” - -Page 165: “learned manl” changed to “learned man” - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HISTORY OF THE PROCEEDINGS -IN THE CASE OF MARGARET, COMMONLY CALLED PEG, ONLY LAWFUL SISTER TO JOHN -BULL, ESQ. *** - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the -United States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online -at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you -are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the -country where you are located before using this eBook. -</div> - -<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: The history of the proceedings in the case of Margaret, commonly called Peg, only lawful sister to John Bull, Esq.</p> -<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Authors: Adam Ferguson</p> -<p style='display:block; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em;'>David Hume</p> -<p style='display:block; text-indent:0; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: May 20, 2022 [eBook #68133]</p> -<p style='display:block; text-indent:0; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</p> - <p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em; text-align:left'>Produced by: Emmanuel Ackerman and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This book was produced from images made available by the HathiTrust Digital Library.)</p> -<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HISTORY OF THE PROCEEDINGS IN THE CASE OF MARGARET, COMMONLY CALLED PEG, ONLY LAWFUL SISTER TO JOHN BULL, ESQ. ***</div> - - - - - -<h1><span class="small">THE</span><br /> - -<br /><span class="big">HISTORY</span><br /><br /> - -<span class="small">OF THE</span><br /><br /> - -PROCEEDINGS in the CASE<br /><br /> - -OF<br /><br /> - -<span class="big">MARGARET,</span></h1> - -<p class="center big"> Commonly called PEG, only lawful - Sister to JOHN BULL, Esq;</p> - - -<p class="center bt bb p2"> The <span class="smcap">Second Edition</span>.</p> - - -<p class="center p2"> Printed for <span class="smcap">W. Owen</span>, near Temple Bar.<br /> - MDCCLXI. -</p> - - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<h2 class="nobreak" id="CONTENTS"><span class="small">THE</span><br />CONTENTS.</h2> -</div> - -<table class="autotable"> -<tr> -<td> -<a href="#CHAP_I"><span class="smcap">Chap. I.</span></a> <i>How <span class="antiqua">John</span> quarrelled with <span class="antiqua">Lewis - Baboon</span> about dividing the West-common; - and how instead of going to law, - they came to blows</i>, -</td> -<td class="tdr page"> -<a href="#Page_16">16</a> -</td> -</tr><tr> -<td> -<a href="#CHAP_II"><span class="smcap">Chap. II.</span></a> <i>What sort of fellows <span class="antiqua">John</span> and <span class="antiqua">Lewis</span> - were in use to employ to keep their orchards, - and their poultry</i>, -</td> -<td class="tdr page"> -<a href="#Page_23">23</a> -</td> -</tr><tr> -<td> -<a href="#CHAP_III"><span class="smcap">Chap. III.</span></a> <i>How <span class="antiqua">John</span> got a terrible fright in - his own house of Bull-hall</i>, -</td> -<td class="tdr page"> -<a href="#Page_36">36</a> -</td> -</tr><tr> -<td> -<a href="#CHAP_IV"><span class="smcap">Chap. IV.</span></a> <i>How <span class="antiqua">John’s</span> affairs had like to have - gone to the Devil</i>, -</td> -<td class="tdr page"> -<a href="#Page_48">48</a> -</td> -</tr><tr> -<td> -<a href="#CHAP_V"><span class="smcap">Chap. V.</span></a> <i>How <span class="antiqua">John</span> consulted with his friends - about the method of retrieving his affairs</i>, -</td> -<td class="tdr page"> -<a href="#Page_59">59</a> -</td> -</tr><tr> -<td> -<a href="#CHAP_VI"><span class="smcap">Chap. VI.</span></a> <i>How the Nurse dreamt that <span class="antiqua">John - Bull</span> had banished all the weavers</i>, -</td> -<td class="tdr page"> -<a href="#Page_66">66</a> -</td> -</tr><tr> -<td> -<a href="#CHAP_VII"><span class="smcap">Chap. VII.</span></a> <i>What happened after this conversation - with the Nurse</i>, -</td> -<td class="tdr page"> -<a href="#Page_77">77</a> -</td> -</tr><tr> -<td> -<a href="#CHAP_VIII"><span class="smcap">Chap. VIII.</span></a> <i>Concerning sister <span class="antiqua">Peg</span></i>, -</td> -<td class="tdr page"> -<a href="#Page_84">84</a> -</td> -</tr><tr> -<td> -<a href="#CHAP_IX"><span class="smcap">Chap IX.</span></a> <i>How <span class="antiqua">Lewis Baboon</span> was belaboured - and drubbed; and how <span class="antiqua">Jowler</span> behaved</i>, -</td> -<td class="tdr page"> -<a href="#Page_91">91</a> -</td> -</tr><tr> -<td> -<a href="#CHAP_X"><span class="smcap">Chap X.</span></a> <i>How sister <span class="antiqua">Peg</span> began to look about - her; and how she wrote a letter to her brother - <span class="antiqua">John</span></i>, -</td> -<td class="tdr page"> -<a href="#Page_98">98</a> -</td> -</tr><tr> -<td> -<a href="#CHAP_XI"><span class="smcap">Chap XI.</span></a> <i>How this letter was received by - <span class="antiqua">John</span></i>, -</td> -<td class="tdr page"> -<a href="#Page_114">114</a> -</td> -</tr><tr> -<td> -<a href="#CHAP_XII"><span class="smcap">Chap XII.</span></a> <i>How Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Bull’s</span> attendants were - prepared on this subject</i>, -</td> -<td class="tdr page"> -<a href="#Page_119">119</a> -</td> -</tr><tr> -<td> -<a href="#CHAP_XIII"><span class="smcap">Chap XIII.</span></a> <i>How <span class="antiqua">Bumbo</span> discoursed with - <span class="antiqua">John Bull’s</span> Nurse, and found her not so great - a fool as he thought her</i>, -</td> -<td class="tdr page"> -<a href="#Page_129">129</a> -</td> -</tr><tr> -<td> -<a href="#CHAP_XIV"><span class="smcap">Chap XIV.</span></a> <i>Showing how it was the fashion - to harangue Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Bull</span></i>, -</td> -<td class="tdr page"> -<a href="#Page_141">141</a> -</td> -</tr><tr> -<td> -<a href="#CHAP_XV"><span class="smcap">Chap XV.</span></a> <i>How Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Bull</span> sat still and heard - a great deal more on this subject</i>, -</td> -<td class="tdr page"> -<a href="#Page_142">152</a> -</td> -</tr><tr> -<td> -<a href="#CHAP_XVI"><span class="smcap">Chap XVI.</span></a> <i>How <span class="antiqua">Bumbo</span> gave his evidence</i>, -</td> -<td class="tdr page"> -<a href="#Page_164">164</a> -</td> -</tr><tr> -<td> -<a href="#CHAP_XVII"><span class="smcap">Chap XVII.</span></a> <i>How Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Bull</span> settled her - stomach</i>, -</td> -<td class="tdr page"> -<a href="#Page_172">172</a> -</td> -</tr> -</table> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</span></p> - - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<h2 class="nobreak" id="THE"><span class="small">THE</span><br /> - -<br /><span class="big">HISTORY</span><br /><br /> - -<span class="small">OF THE</span><br /><br /> - -PROCEEDINGS in the CASE<br /><br /> - -OF<br /><br /> - -<span class="big">MARGARET,</span><br /><br /> - -<span class="smcap">Commonly called</span> PEG.</h2> - -</div> -<p>There being no history with which every learned reader is better -acquainted in general, than that of John Bull, and his sister Peg, -we shall spend very little time in preambles or introductions to the -present story. John and his sister lived many a day, as every<span class="pagenum" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</span> body -knows, in the two adjoining houses which were left them by their -father; and it matters not now to say, how much better John was lodged -than his sister, and how many more improvements he had made on his -farm. We never heard of any difference arising between them on this -score, farther than some jeers and taunts between the blackguards or -scullions of either house, who generally got themselves bloody noses -upon the occasion. As for Peg herself, she was so far from complaining -of her portion, that nothing could offend her more, than to be told out -of doors, that she was not the richest heiress in the world.</p> - -<p>It is not easy to say, whether it was Peg’s own temper, the badness of -her<span class="pagenum" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</span> subject, or the perpetual vexations she met with in her youth, -that hindered her from minding her domestic affairs, so much as she -should have done: but the truth is, that matters were often at sixes -and sevens in her family; and her brother and she, to be sure, never -could agree about any thing. All the world knows how long their affairs -remained in confusion, merely because they would not employ the same -attorney, and what an aversion they had to trust their affairs in -common to any single person. Peg would say, “I’ll have nothing to do -with John’s lawyers; whoever I employ must mind nobody’s affairs but -mine. I have as good a right to be served as he; and if he pays more -than I do, let it be for services done to<span class="pagenum" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</span> himself, not for cheating -me.” John again would swagger and swear, and said, that whoever Peg -employed, must be a dirty lousy fellow; and would come to no terms, -unless she would take a steward of his choosing.</p> - -<p>It happened, however, at last, as every careful peruser of history -knoweth, that every man of the law, within the reach almost of John’s -knowledge, from the master down to the merest clerk-boy, died, or left -the country, or disappeared some how or other, and John was obliged -for once to put his papers in the hands of his sister’s lawyer, a very -book-learned man, as many people affirm even unto this day. But be -this as it will, Peg had the vanity<span class="pagenum" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</span> to boast, that though her lawyer -now lived in John’s own house, yet it was she who gave that clod-pated -pock-puddened numskull the lawyer at last; and that this same man -of the law, if he had any gratitude to the house where he was born -and bred, would not let her be wronged, or forget her boys, when the -stock came to be divided. She trusted too, that they would remember -themselves, and if John or the attorney pretended to cheat them, she -talked no less than of beating out both their brains. John was really -at bottom a good-natured fellow, and knowing himself to be an overmatch -for Peg, did not mind her peevish humours a rush; but he would not have -liked her attorney for all that,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</span> if he had not expected to manage him, -by keeping him in his own house, and by putting clerks about him, who -never had any connexion with Margaret, or her hungry loons, from whom, -the truth is, he expected no good.</p> - -<p>This affair being settled between the brother and sister, as well as -could be expected with so little cordiality on either side, their -common concerns began to be a little better managed, and people got -some rest in their beds; for they did not harbour vagrants, as they -used to do, to hamstring one another’s cattle, to tear up the young -planting, and knock out one another’s brains. They differed, it is -true, now and then about this thing, and t’other<span class="pagenum" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</span> thing, and about -attornies and agents, but it always happened that they employed the -same person, even whilst John wished Peg at the bottom of the sea; and -Peg sometimes let devilish knocks at him, and the attorney too, when -she was jealous of either.</p> - -<p>John, however, was so far lucky, that his sister concurred with him -very readily in most things of consequence, such as turning off Squire -Geoffry, and the like; insomuch, that he himself was not readier to -part with this Squire, as every body knows, although he claimed kindred -to Peg, as the foster-mother of his family; and to make all sure, she -put her hand as freely to the perpetual contract with Sir Thomas. This -was a gentleman in the neighbourhood,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</span> of an ancient family, and a -pretty fortune of his own: but he was willing to take charge of the -brother and sister’s affairs, provided he had some security that he -should not be turned out the next moment, which was accordingly granted -in the form of a contract, by virtue of which he continues to manage -their business in a very orderly regular manner.</p> - -<p>This, however, did not hinder some persons in both families, who had -a hankering after Squire Geoffry, from being mad enough once and -again, to think of restoring him to his office, in spite of John’s -and Margaret’s teeth. They came sometimes from the garret, and from -the cellar, roaring about this matter; and when they got drunk, they<span class="pagenum" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</span> -imagined nothing was easier to be done. The truth is, that if Peg had -not been firm to the contract, John would often have been sore beset.</p> - -<p>Although the intention of this proem is far from being to give a full -account of the affairs of these two families, preceding the present -transaction, much less to censure or run down other grave historians, -who have published to the learned world any part of their history; yet -we cannot altogether pass in silence some few mistakes in the otherwise -elaborate work of the celebrated Sir Humphrey Polisworth, bred in the -learned university of Grub-street. An historian, in our opinion, should -be as mindful of truth in whatever he may occasionally mention, as he -is in the main series of<span class="pagenum" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</span> his story. For want of attending to this -truth, the learned Sir Humphrey has unguardedly misrepresented the -nature of John’s and Peg’s agreement, together with the causes which -induced John to sollicit that accommodation. Many learned writers of -that time say, that the question was not then about John’s heir, but -about the old story the choice of a steward, and the perpetual contract -we have mentioned. But be this as it will, there was no disagreement -between John and his sister on either of these points, as Sir Humphrey -Polisworth himself doth acknowledge. On the contrary, if John roared -against Squire Geoffry, Peg tore her cap and her apron in perfect rage, -and was like cat and dog with the same Squire and<span class="pagenum" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</span> his gang, all the -time they were in the management of John’s business.</p> - -<p>The truth of the matter was, that about the time of the great change -we have mentioned, many people in both families said, Although we -agree now, we may quarrel hereafter, and it will be a plaguey thing -to come into the hands of different lawyers and attornies again, who -never fail to set people by the ears for their own advantage. John and -Margaret have lived so much better, since they came to employ the same -lawyer, that it is a pity they should ever be in danger of parting -their affairs. The lands of Bull-hall and Thistle-down were never -intended for two farms, the same hedge and ditch surround them, and -whilst they continue<span class="pagenum" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</span> in one, they may be kept with half the looking -after; for nobody can be half so troublesome to either family, as they -have formerly been to one another. For these, and many more reasons, an -agreement was thought upon; and though it went somewhat against John’s -stomach, yet he coaxed and flattered sister Peg till he obtained her -consent, not to come to live in his house, as the learned Sir Humphrey -Polisworth has erroneously related, but merely to shut up her own -compting-room, dismiss her overseers, and send her clerks to John’s -house, to manage their affairs together with his accomptant, under -the inspection of the great lawyer, as he was then called, in both -families.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</span></p> - -<p>This agreement, however, did not please every body. The servants who -attended Peg’s compting-room, were angry at the loss of their vails. -The upper servants, as every body knows, mismanaged their part of the -business some how or other, and many people said, that the house looked -melancholy when the windows of the counting-room just looking to the -South were shut up. In short, you could hear a buzz in every corner of -the house, that the whole family was undone for ever. Jack himself grew -very sulky, and for the turn of a straw would have played the devil. -But what will not a little time to. Peg’s people got gradually into -better humour; Jack’s zeal for the contract made with Sir Thomas,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</span> soon -reconciled him to whatever was connected with it, and Peg’s affairs -went on so tolerably, that every body was pacified, except the few who -would be pleased with nothing, unless Squire Geoffry was restored.</p> - -<p>About the time that Sir Thomas came to the office, there was a great -turmoil in John’s kitchin and back-yard, and in Peg’s garret, where -indeed she harboured a parcel of curious fellows, who did not mind -the business of the family much, but would run you up and down stairs -like lightning, sometimes get into the kitchen, the hen roost, or back -yard, and snap up any thing their fingers could lay hold of. Their -mistress seldom got any rent from them, except a days work<span class="pagenum" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</span> now and -then in harvest, or the use of their children to keep the crows from -the barley. But the true secret of her liking to them was, that they -were excellent fellows at a brawl, and you had as good put your head -in the fire, as meddle with their mistress when they were by. But Peg -could never get them to agree among themselves till very lately, nor -always to behave very respectfully to herself; insomuch, that both John -and she were often tempted to condemn that garret. But things must have -their course, the garret gentry have sometimes done excellent service, -and there is nobody John himself likes better to see about him, when -Lewis Baboon or Lord Strutt come about cudgel-playing, which is a very<span class="pagenum" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</span> -common case, as the learned Sir Humphrey has very well observed.</p> - - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAP_I"><abbr title="chapter">CHAP.</abbr> I.</h2> -</div> - - - -<p class="center"><i>How <span class="antiqua">John</span> quarrelled with <span class="antiqua">Lewis Baboon</span> about dividing -the West-common; and how instead of going to law, they came to -blows.</i></p> - - - -<p>We account it a great oversight in the learned Sir Humphrey Polisworth, -that he has taken little or no notice of John Bull’s land-estate, his -orchards, kitchen-grounds, and corn-fields, of which he has always -possessed an excellent share; but considered him as a simple clothier -and mechanic, merely because he sent goods of this,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</span> and many other -kinds to market. John got ready money, it is true, by the sale of -his goods; but the great support of his family, and what made him be -treated like a gentleman in the neighbourhood, was the excellent manor -of Bull-hall, where John and his posterity may find capon and bacon, -and beef and mutton, without being obliged to any body, and without -cringing to Lord Strutt, Squire South, or Lewis Baboon, for their -custom. It is true, that the devil possessed John sometimes to that -degree, that you could not hear a word from him but about his cloth, -and his iron-work, and his pottery, and you would see him up to the -eyes in clay, or steeped, till he grew all the colours of the rainbow, -in dyer’s stuff, or<span class="pagenum" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</span> smoaked and roasted like a smith, or sallow and -greasy like a weaver, and no gentleman could keep company with him, or -any of his family, such low habits they had got behind the counter, or -in the work-shop. “Mind your customers, lads,” says John; “Good words -go far; Be civil to every body whether they buy or no;” and then he -would rap out a string of proverbs, such as, “A penny saved is a penny -got; Fast bind, fast find,” and so forth; in short, if it had not been -for some good blood which John had still in his veins, he must have -grown a mere pedling, sneaking, designing, mercenary rogue, as ever was.</p> - -<p>There was, as we say, blood, or something else, that kept up John’s -spirit, so that he went abroad now and<span class="pagenum" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</span> then, in as gentleman-like a -way as could be wished, although Lewis Baboon used to sit sneering at -him sometimes as he passed; but John minded him not a rush.</p> - -<p>Now it happened, that John and Lewis had about the same time taken in -part of the west-common, and though their fields were not contiguous, -they could not agree about their marches. Many meetings they had to -settle them, but all to no purpose, for none of them knew well what -he would be at. The common saying was, that Lewis wanted to get all -the land in the country, and you needed only to tell John so much, in -order to put him in a downright foam of rage and fury. However this -be,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</span> Lewis tormented his own people enough, with making them stick in -posts and stakes in different parts of the common; and when John asked -him what he meant, he said, They were only rubing posts for his cows -to scratch themselves, in case they strayed so far. But other people -told John, that Lewis would some day or other claim every bit of that -ground as his own, by virtue of those stakes, if he was not checked in -time. Accordingly, John sent him some angry message about them, and -Lewis in return, begged leave to present his compliments to John, and -allured him, that the thing in the world he wished most, was to live in -good terms with his honoured friend and neighbour John Bull. Mean time, -some of John’s cow-herds<span class="pagenum" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</span> met with a fellow or two belonging to Lewis, -and after a great deal of bad language, painful to repeat, they came -to blows, and made a great noise, which brought John and Lewis too, to -see what was the matter. John, indeed, happened to be in his barge that -afternoon, on the lake to the west of his house, which he affected to -call his own fish-pond, and Lewis too being on his way to the common, -their barges unhappily met, when John, without any more ado, took up an -oar, and aimed a blow at Lewis Baboon’s brains, You damn’d, insidious, -fair-tongued villain, this is all your doing, with your stakes and -your posts, and your covetousness for land, which nobody will possess -under you, you damned, oppressive,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</span> squeezing rascal. My dear John, -says Lewis, what is the matter? The matter, you scoundrel! With that -John aimed another blow; but their barges ran foul of one another, and -he fastened on Lewis Baboon’s wig, tore his bag, and threw it in the -water; in short, before you could count six, there was not a hat nor a -wig to be seen in the whole boats-crew, of either side. History says, -that Lewis had like to have been drowned outright, and was glad to get -home with his head broken in many places, and cursing John Bull, for -the most rash, cholerick, blunder-headed fellow, that ever was known in -the world.</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAP_II"><abbr title="chapter">CHAP.</abbr> II.</h2> -</div> - - -<p class="center"><i>What sort of fellows <span class="antiqua">John</span> and <span class="antiqua">Lewis</span> were in use to -employ to keep their orchards, and their poultry.</i></p> - - - -<p>History tells us many lies, if this was the first time that John and -Lewis came to blows; and Sir Humphrey Polisworth may think to conceal -it if he will, but many a time has Lewis, in his youth, lost his hat -and his wig in scuffles with John, and as often has John come home with -a broken pate, though very few people durst tell it to his wife or his -mother. In short, these two had been troublesome rogues to one<span class="pagenum" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</span> another -time out of mind; and at the time of which we are now speaking, there -was no such thing as law or justice in the whole country. If you could -keep your own, it was well; if not, it did not signify complaining; -two or three stout fellows at your back, a brace of pistols, or a -blunderbuss, was a better title to an estate than the best conveyance -in the world. Whilst you thought yourself sure of your lands, two or -three fellows in the neighbourhood would be disputing who should have -it; and of Lord Strutt, Lewis Baboon, Squire South, Nicholas Frog, -John Bull himself, and all the gang of them, there was not one to -mend another, they did not mind blowing out one another’s brains one -farthing; they<span class="pagenum" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</span> had got honourable names for thieving, robbing, and -house-breaking, such as policy, conquest, and invasion; and if you -lived in their neighbourhood, they were sure to leave you nothing, -unless you could handle a cutlass, or fire a blunderbuss, and kept -friends with some one or other of them, who protected you for his own -sake, or that he might take all you had at a more convenient time. God -help the poor milk-sop that trusted to the goodness of his cause.</p> - -<p>This made every body look about him; and John among the rest, for -many a day, had as stout a family of young fellows as any in all the -neighbourhood, and would not take an affront or an injury from any man. -His boys were for the most part sober,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</span> peaceable fellows within doors; -but if there was any noise heard over-night among the poultry in the -orchard, or the workshop, it needed only the bark of a dog to bring a -score of them into the court, and from every corner of John’s house you -could hear nothing but striving who should be out first. Every body -had his cutlass, or his carabine at his bed’s-head, and it is hard to -say which they were most jealous of, their father’s honour, or the -preservation of his estate. It was the pride of John’s heart in those -days, to see his boys hardy and resolute, and he hated a sneaking, -puny, pewling fellow, like the devil.</p> - -<p>In this humour John lived for many a day; but many changes happen -which<span class="pagenum" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</span> nobody looks for; people persuaded him by degrees, that if -he had money enough there was nothing else worth minding. From this -hopeful maxim, he even neglected sending his children to school, locked -up their cudgels and cricket-batts, and would not let one of them touch -a gun, for fear they should hurt themselves. He had got by heart all -the stories that ever his nurse had told him, about the accidents which -happen at rough play, or in handling firelocks, and would repeat them -sometimes, till his wife and his mother were quite ashamed of him.</p> - -<p>It would require the pen of a great historian to tell how this great -change was brought about. Some people said,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</span> that John was old and -began to doat; others said, that it was all owing to an old nurse -who lived about the house; but alas, they do not tell us how John -came to be directed by old women, or what was the reason that some -of John’s neighbours were grown worse than even he was at this -time. Lewis Baboon was grown from a spruce forward gallant, a mere -priest-ridden, whore-ridden, flimsey periwig-making old fool. Lord -Strutt could never be got out of his bed before eleven o’clock in the -morning; and Nicholas Frog would rather have taken ready money for a -farthing-candle, than see his best friend return from the grave. One -stout man could have chaced a hundred of them into the sea, and yet -these damned fellows contrived<span class="pagenum" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</span> to be very troublesome for all that, by -means of a device of which the devil himself was certainly the author. -In their younger days they were all ready enough at a blow, yet as they -and every body about them, had some other business besides fighting, -they could not well quarrel when they were otherways engaged; but they -came at last to keep people on purpose to fight, and as nobody cared -what became of these fellows, they would send them out for the turn -of a straw, to play the devil in all the neighbourhood; and the rest -of the people at home trusting to them, became mere milk-sops and old -women.</p> - -<p>An historian of great credit affirms, that this practice was grafted -on that of keeping a game-keeper; and for this<span class="pagenum" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</span> reason it is, that -although there be many more of them in every house than are necessary -to keep the game, they are nevertheless known under the title of -game-keepers even unto this day. In former times, continues he, -every father of a family and his children, were sportmen more or -less. It mattered not who started the game, they could all shoot -without distinction; and it mattered as little what part of the house -a thief attempted to break in upon, the first man he met thought -himself obliged to defend the premises. But when they grew lazy, -spiritless, and purse-proud, they must needs keep their game-keepers -like lords, and each according to his estate, got as many as he -could well maintain, and those he<span class="pagenum" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</span> employed not only to knock down -a hare, or a partridge, now and then, for the master’s table, but -to them he entrusted the whole defence of his estate inclosed and -common, barn-yards, orchards, and kitchin-grounds, and it was thought -presumption in any body else to do any thing besides running away when -any body attempted to disturb the house. Lewis Baboon would have kept -you forty or fifty at a time, and this when nobody was meddling with -him, as he said, to guard his poultry, and attend him to church.</p> - -<p>These fellows did nothing from morning to night, but first turn upon -one heel, and then upon another, put a gun sometimes to their hip, -sometimes to their nose, sometimes to their shoulder;<span class="pagenum" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</span> and, in short, -played so many antic tricks with a musket, that few or none of them -could remember or distinguish its real use. But they bilked their -landlords, cursed, swore, and bullied, wherever they went, and in many -houses where such fellows were kept, nobody durst say his life was his -own for them.</p> - -<p>It may be hard enough to tell how any matter of a family came to keep -such people about him; but the most amazing thing of all is, how John -Bull, so kind a father, and so good a master, should ever think of -entertaining so many of them, and trust more to their affection, than -to that of his own children.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</span></p> - -<p>It is true, that John’s heart has always misgiven him in this project; -he generally keeps a dozen or so, but nobody could ever prevail on -him, or Mrs. Bull, to tell how long they were to keep them; and every -Saturday night when he pays off his workmen, he always says, Gentlemen, -whereas it goes against my conscience, to keep some damned rascals -perpetually about my house, you are to remain only for next week, and -no longer; but still he keeps them on in this manner from one week to -another, for which he has many salvo’s. In the first place, says John, -I don’t take any body but my own tenants sons, or now and then an idle -fellow from my own farm, and I have always some of my own boys who keep -them<span class="pagenum" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</span> company; so that they always behave very respectfully to me, and -have often taken my part, when such fellows as Nicholas Frog keeps -would have cut my throat. Secondly, says John, I only keep them as long -as Squire Geoffrey and his abettors are like to be troublesome, which I -hope will not be long. But many of John’s enemies said, that there was -a better reason than all these put together, viz. that he was afraid to -fire a gun himself, and was frightened out of his senses when he had -not some of his bullies by him.</p> - -<p>Whether this was the cause, or the effect of his keeping those fellows, -it must be owned that John Bull, who used to be a bold hearty fellow, -always<span class="pagenum" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</span> master in his own house, and afraid of nothing, began to sneak -about the doors, and would start at his own shadow; and when there was -any noise in the orchard, or poultry-yard, he would scour up to the -garret, and leave the game-keepers and the thieves to do what they -pleased with his effects, shutting his eyes, and stopping his ears, -that he might not see or hear any shooting of guns, of which in truth -he was become marvelously afraid. Lewis Baboon had no more ado, but to -give out that he was going to pay a civil visit to John, in order to -put the whole house in a pannic: and this word <em>pannic</em> was grown -so familiar with John, that he had it always ready as an excuse for -running away upon the slightest occasion.</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAP_III"><abbr title="chapter">CHAP.</abbr> III.</h2> -</div> - - -<p class="center"><i>How <span class="antiqua">John</span> got a terrible fright in his own house of -Bull-hall.</i></p> - - - -<p>It was not always without cause, that John Bull disliked the visits -of Lewis Baboon; he knew what fine sport that rogue might have made -for himself in such a house; and that besides cuckoldom, many other -misfortunes might have befallen the landlord. But history, with all her -gravity, will scarcely make posterity believe, how much John was afraid -of his own sister Margaret’s garret lodgers. Once upon a time, two or -three of them being seduced by some outlandish<span class="pagenum" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</span> person, who stiled -himself young <abbr title="mister">Mr.</abbr> Geoffrey, got down stairs, ran into Margaret’s dining -room and drawing-room, overset the china, drank the cream, and having -found one of John’s game-keepers teaching the maids to coddle apples in -the back-kitchen, gave him a slap in the chops, and poured the scalding -water on him. From thence they proceeded as they thought proper; and -though Margaret threw her poker at them as they passed, with an air of -great bitterness and vexation, yet John took it in his head that it was -all her doing, and sent her word to keep them at home, otherwise he -would set fire to her house: but just as he was talking in this strain, -and abusing his poor sister as a treacherous vixin, who might have kept -better<span class="pagenum" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</span> order in her house if she pleased, he was silenced at once with -a knock on the pate; and without staying to see what was the matter, -ran up to the leads, called out to his game-keepers, who were gone -nobody knows where, then to Nicholas Frog, Rousterdivel, and all the -damned names you can think of, to come to the assistance of John Bull, -whose throat was just going to be cut in his own house.</p> - -<p>Mean time, <abbr title="mister">Mr.</abbr> Luchar, for this was the ringleader in all this -mischief, continued to do what he pleased. Whenever he met any of -John’s fellows, he asked, What trade are you? And if they were weavers, -he made them furnish what cloth he wanted; threatening<span class="pagenum" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</span> to rip up their -guts. In like manner, if they were brewers, tanners, cooks, scullions, -or malsters, each in his way had something good for <abbr title="mister">Mr.</abbr> Luchar, and the -fellow had learned not to be afraid, although there were three hundred -of them together.</p> - -<p>This fray, however, did not last long; <abbr title="mister">Mr.</abbr> Luchar was tired, and went -away home to his garret, and John, who had been more afraid than hurt, -came down stairs, and when he saw that the foe was actually gone, -called out to set fire to Peg’s house, to burn her, and all her vermin; -for, says he, we shall never get any peace for them. Mean time, the -game-keeper took heart at last, went up to the garret, and gave<span class="pagenum" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</span> <abbr title="mister">Mr.</abbr> -Luchar a stunning blow in the guts, just as he was stripping to go to -bed, and dragged him down to the court, where John was in a little -prevailed on to come and see the object of his terror, with his hands -tied behind his back. Then, indeed, he began to be ashamed of his -own behaviour, and abused all his people for letting him be so much -afraid; he scolded the very scullions for letting the bacon be carried -off by so paultry a fellow as <abbr title="mister">Mr.</abbr> Luchar. In short, he and every body -else threw the blame upon his neighbour, but all agreed in cursing and -sinking sister Peg, to the deepest pit of hell.</p> - -<p>It was hard to say what the poor woman had done to deserve all this<span class="pagenum" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</span> -treatment; but some people set to work with her merely because it was -the fashion, and others found their account in it, some in one way, -some in another. As for the game-keeper, it was not very difficult to -see his motive; he had never beat any body before in all his life, and -wanted now to magnify his feats as much as he could, and accordingly -said, that few people knew the amount of what he had done; that if he -had not fought with sister Margaret’s people one and all, he was no -true man; that he totally subdued them, and knew of nobody to compare -himself to, but the ancient conquerors. That if any body said, that the -whole of Margaret’s people was not against him, he was a scoundrel, and -a rascal, and not to be trusted.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</span></p> - -<p>After this, who and who were to be trusted became the great question in -John’s house. There was no pretending to any thing without being able -to talk about trusting; and some people would scarcely let John Bull -trust himself. As for poor Peg, he was the finest fellow that spoke the -most ill of her. Even some of her own children who took care of nobody -but themselves all the time that <abbr title="mister">Mr.</abbr> Luchar was stirring, came abroad -now to confess with regret, that their mother was a sad vixin; that -she had given <abbr title="mister">Mr.</abbr> Luchar a dram of cherry-brandy, before he set out -upon that damned unnatural diabolical hell-fire scamper; that for their -parts it was true, they had the misfortune to be born in her house, -some people said of her own<span class="pagenum" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</span> proper person, but few people know who -their real parents are: this, however, they knew, that they had left -her very young, and never liked her company. When one had made such -a speech as this, another endeavoured still to improve upon it; and -if one gave his mother two, three, or more abusive epithets, the next -did not fail to give five or six. At last one great dolt of a fellow, -called Bumbo, made a shift to get a round dozen of them on his fingers -ends, with which he never failed to entertain John Bull as often as he -met him.</p> - -<p>The sequel of all this spite to their mother, was a great deal of -kindness to John Bull. Leave matters to us, said they, we shall take -care that so worthy a<span class="pagenum" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</span> man shall not be imposed upon; you should -always have some of us about your own person, and give us some decent -employment, that no body may suspect the design of our being here; -we shall take care to place people in that unnatural sister’s house, -so that not a whisper shall be uttered among her gossips, but you -shall hear of it; and these speeches they commonly concluded, with a -<em>beware of counterfeits</em>. John upon all this looked like a perfect -oaff: he thought <abbr title="mister">Mr.</abbr> Luchar’s knife was at his throat every moment; and -these favourable dispositions they took care to improve. One time he -was told that a cousin of <abbr title="mister">Mr.</abbr> Luchar’s had come in secretly at Peg’s -garret window; at another time, that <abbr title="mister">Mr.</abbr> Luchar himself<span class="pagenum" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</span> had bought -a pair of new shoes; at another time, that his sister Margaret had -laughed at him, when she heard that he went up to the leads; and all -this, besides being asked regularly every morning, what would become -of him, if he had not some trusty friends to stand between him and -that unnatural sister. In short, John was put from his sleep, and his -appetite; he stared and stammered in his speech; you could not hear -a word of common sense from him; and to have spoken a word of common -sense, would have disgraced you with him for ever.</p> - -<p>History says, however, that John did not continue very long in this -humour; and, indeed, it must be owned, that it<span class="pagenum" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</span> was for once a good -thing to be of a changeable temper: it would have been the devil -indeed, to have continued for ever in the hands of spies and informers, -perpetually talking of the miseries of human life; and the truth is, -that there was nothing in the world more repugnant to his ordinary -temper; so that though he could not all at once return to a perfect -cordiality with his sister, yet he listened to people who advised him -to take gentle methods with her. He accordingly, let even <abbr title="mister">Mr.</abbr> Luchar -himself off, with little more than an obligation to put on his breeches -every morning before he came down stairs among the ladies; and sent a -civil message to his sister, to ask her how she did, and to propose -taking a lease of her garret, and<span class="pagenum" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</span> said that he would pay her any -rent she chose to put upon it. Many odd projects, indeed, were put in -his head at this time; such as to turn that garret into a stable and -coach-house; to make sister Peg lodge her coals in it, brew her ale, -and wash her linen; in short, to make <abbr title="mister">Mr.</abbr> Luchar himself, besides -putting on his breeches, carry up earth, and plant cabbages and turnips -upon the leads. It is true, that nothing of all this has been done; but -it is not John’s fault, he was at some expence about it, and meant all -for the best.</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAP_IV"><abbr title="chapter">CHAP.</abbr> IV.</h2> -</div> - - -<p class="center"><i>How <span class="antiqua">John</span>’s affairs had like to have gone to the devil.</i></p> - - - -<p>We know how difficult a thing it is to write history. Whenever the -reader meets with any thing that exceeds his own pitch, he presently -attacks the credit of the historian; and we shall now be asked how came -John Bull, who was such a coward in his own house, to be so very rash, -as we have said, in that scuffle with Lewis Baboon. The fact is, that -John never was slow at getting into a quarrel; he was choleric beyond -measure; and as for mischief<span class="pagenum" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</span> out of doors, there was nobody readier. -He had a parcel of watermen who feared neither man nor devil, and when -he was in his barge, either on the east or the west lake, it was but -a word and a blow with him; he never was afraid to meet with Lewis -Baboon there, nor any where else, except at home. When you proposed to -John, to go over to Lewis’s own house, and break his bones for him, he -thought nothing more easy; but alas, if Lewis talked of coming to him, -matters went no better than we have said.</p> - -<p>You will easily believe, that after that scuffle in the barge, Lewis -Baboon must be in a very great passion. Accordingly, he cursed and -swore like twenty dragoons, that he would speedily see John in his own -house, and show him in the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</span> face of Mrs. Bull herself, what sort of a -man he had affronted: this was sooner said than done. But in the mean -time, nobody could tell what was become of John, and all his watermen; -whilst Lewis Baboon went vapouring about every where, and did what -he pleased. He drove John’s cattle out of Cracket-Island, and took -possession of it; although John used to think that nobody could ever -dispute islands with him, so ready was he with his barge to relieve -them: but the truth upon this occasion was, that John had got into one -of these pannics we have mentioned, had applied to Nicholas Frog to -no purpose, and actually brought over Rousterdivel, to protect him. -But the whole neighbourhood laughed at him, when they saw that Lewis -Baboon<span class="pagenum" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</span> had no more to do than to talk of going over to John, in order -to do what he pleased every where else; and John got into one of the -greatest passions that ever he was in in his life. All the historians -of that time, ring with the amazing noise which he made about that -same Cracket-Island. He swaggered and stared, and roared and swore, -that John Bull of Bull-hall was abused and cheated by his clerks, -his watermen, his overseers, and every soul about him. When he saw -Rousterdivel, he called to his people to turn out that fellow; asked, -what the devil had brought him to his house; would not give him a bit -of victuals, and threatened to go to law with him about a handkerchief: -and in short, obliged the poor fellow to go<span class="pagenum" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</span> away, very much puzzled to -make out what sort of a man this same <abbr title="mister">Mr.</abbr> Bull must be.</p> - -<p>Upon this occasion, John made such a noise, that he wakened Mrs. Bull, -and brought her down yawning to the parlour, and rubbing her eyes, -after one of those drousy fits, to which she had been lately subject. -He had already, to her no small mortification, chaced away two or three -of her favourite servants, who used to put her to bed every night, and -among the rest his own nurse, who was grown of late a great person -in all Mrs. Bull’s junketings and private parties; and indeed, for -some time, pretended to manage John himself as she thought proper. To -do this nurse justice, there were few people had a better hand at a<span class="pagenum" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</span> -sack-posset; and though she had no aversion to a glass of liquor in a -fair way, yet she never tasted what came through her hands in the way -of making cawdle, whey, or panada for the children: we never heard any -thing amiss of her, save that she would take the children’s halfpence -from them to keep, and therewith make up little sums, which she lent -to the servant maids at interest, when they wanted to buy ribbons, or -other trinkets. But the love of money may be forgiven in old age, as -also that meddling disposition which servants usually acquire when -they have been long about a house. The truth is, that nothing could -be more ridiculous than to hear this old woman put in her word upon -all occasions. There was nothing<span class="pagenum" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</span> in which she did not think herself a -perfect oracle; she talked to John not only about his markets and his -bargains, and all his dealings with his neighbours, about the choice -of schools and masters for his children; game-keepers, hunts-men, -whippers-in; but, in short, about his drunken quarrels, boxing matches, -cudgel play, and quarter staff. She would govern every part of his -house for him, and no servant durst go with a message from his master, -without first asking her, if she had any commands?</p> - -<p>Hubble-bubble, and this nurse, had gone hand in hand for many a day; -but alas! the loss of Cracket-Island fell heavy upon them both at last. -Bawd, whore and rogue, were the best names they could get from John -upon that occasion,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</span> and Hubble-bubble got out of his way as fast as -he could scour; but the nurse broke a cawdle-cup which she had in her -hand, and bid him go find another to make slops for himself and his -children.</p> - -<p>John was greatly helped into this fine humour by one Jowler, for whom -he had a great regard at this time. Most historians agree, that the -name of Jowler was only a nick-name, which this fellow had got from the -boys at school, on account of some odd conceit of a resemblance between -him and a hound of that name in John’s pack. They say, moreover, that -most of the boys had the name of some dog or other given them, and that -they used to make one of themselves the hare, and so hunt him with<span class="pagenum" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</span> a -mighty noise, in imitation of John’s pack. As to the dog Jowler, his -resemblance to the person we are now speaking of, has procured him a -place in the records of history. There we are told, that this dog had -a very loud tongue, and that if he could not lead the whole pack, he -never failed, at least, to carry off five or six couple, sometimes on -a right, sometimes on a wrong scent; that he thereby so often spoilt -the sport, that the huntsman was downright crazy with rage, and often -threatened to turn Jowler out of the kennel, and sometimes actually -tied him up at home; but then he made such a noise, that Mrs. Bull -could get no sleep for him in a morning; and the huntsman was as often -obliged to leave Mango’s tomb<span class="pagenum" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</span> and plaister in the kennel, whilst -Jowler was suffered to lead the pack. Then John had excellent sport, -and the huntsman no great cause to complain; for Jowler was tractable -enough, and a crack of the whip would make him leave the pursuit of -the stag, for that of a pole-cat, or a rabbit, and this not absolutely -for want of nose, but for fear of being turned down among the babblers -again.</p> - -<p>Although we account it below the dignity of history, to adopt, or -retail nick-names, yet we think ourselves obliged in this case, to -retain a name which has come down to us on the great tide of writers, -which watt and carry the transactions of that age. To return,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</span> -therefore, from this digression; Jowler no sooner observed the humour -which John was in, than he chimed in directly; he told him that his -family had never been so much disgraced before; that the scandalous -loss of Cracket-Island was more owing to his overseer, than to the -waterman who was sent to look after it; that it was ignominious for -John Bull, with a house full of fine young fellows, to need the -protection of so sorry a fellow as Rousterdivel; that if he did not -look about him, he would soon become the jest of all the neighbourhood, -and lose all the ground which he had upon the common, or any where -else. To approve of a man’s advice in one thing, and trust him with -every thing, were inseparable with John; accordingly, he put all his -affairs directly<span class="pagenum" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</span> into Jowler’s hands, and for the first fortnight -neither Sir Thomas, nor any body else, durst controul him in any thing.</p> - - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAP_V"><abbr title="chapter">CHAP.</abbr> V.</h2> -</div> - - -<p class="center"><i>How <span class="antiqua">John</span> consulted with his friends about the method of -retrieving his affairs.</i></p> - - - -<p>John was a great person for collecting his friends together to have -their advice, but for the most part he did just what he pleased for -all that; and he had always some point or other in his head, in which -it was in vain to contradict him. This was the case now about the -malversations of his servants,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</span> and though there were many people -disposed to soften him, not a mortal durst put in a word. In the -height of his passion he abused every thing that had been done, right -or wrong, for many years before. They had neglected his new farm upon -the common, and sent his horses, his ploughs and carts, to labour -Sir Thomas’s land in the east country; they had run him in debt over -head and ears, pawned his plate, and mortgaged his estate; they had -made his wife, who used to be a notable woman, a mere sot, with ale, -brandy, and slops. The nurse had even spoilt his own stomach with nasty -mawkish warm drinks, and over-heating his ale. With all this in his -head, whenever he went to any of the neighbouring towns, he instantly -repaired to the coffee-house,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</span> and poured all forth to the first -person he met. All the world admired the vigour of his spirit, and the -honesty of his intentions, even when he carried matters too far; and -we all know, that if the father of such a family does not make a noise -sometimes, affairs will be managed but so so.</p> - -<p>About this time of which we are now speaking, John had a circle about -him wherever he went, and talked of his affairs from morning to night. -He testified a particular aversion to the employing of Rousterdivel -any more, swore that he himself never would cross the lake upon any -body’s errands, and that if any body came over to meddle with him, he -would show them that he could defend himself. In all which, Jowler -encouraged<span class="pagenum" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</span> him strongly, and repeated every word John could say, in a -much higher tone than himself; and next to the point of getting fixed -in the management of the business, seemed to have nothing more at -heart, than to break off all idle connections, to keep John at home, -and put a gun in his own hands, to avoid the disgrace of running to -other people for protection on every trifling alarm. Whatever might be -done afterwards, Jowler knew this was no time to baulk John in any of -his fancies; and accordingly, he assisted in all his consultations, and -nobody so loud as he.</p> - -<p>One day, when John’s tongue was running on God knows where, he was -asked by some of his friends what he intended to do. Do you intend, -said they, to ask Lewis Baboon’s pardon for striking him<span class="pagenum" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</span> in the manner -you did, or do you persist in the design of giving him gentlemany -satisfaction? I tell you what, says John, if Lewis Baboon had a -thousand Cracket-islands of mine, and that he would give me them all -for asking his pardon, I would not do it. He is a vile, over-reaching, -undermining, treacherous rogue, and there never will be any peace in -the neighbourhood, as long as that fair-tongued rascal is out of his -grave. Let him come out in his barge again, and I shall meet him; but -I know the rascal, he has perpetually some bad design in his head, and -when he is found out, he will bow and scrape, and make compliments; but -he does not lay it aside for all that, he only waits for a time to put -it in execution, not in a fair gentlemany way, but behind<span class="pagenum" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</span> your back, -or when you are asleep, or indisposed: but I will dress his jacket for -him, if I find him put his nose upon the lake again.</p> - -<p>But only suppose then, said they, that he should slip over in the -night, as he has often threatened, with a parcel of his game keepers, -and take possession of your parlour and bed-chamber, which are worth -more than Cracket-Island to him, do you think, he will give you time to -send for Rousterdivel, as you used to do?</p> - -<p>All the fires of Sodom and Gomorrah seize me, says John, if ever I -send for Rousterdivel with his great tobacco-pipe, his sour crout, and -his damned lingo, that nobody can understand.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</span> Odds-blood, an’t I as -good a man as Rousterdivel or Lewis Baboon? Though I have not so many -game-keepers, yet I have as good clean-made fellows about my farm as -he; and if my own children will let me be insulted, it is time that -John Bull was gone the way of all flesh.</p> - -<p>But what can your children do for you, said they, when your wife, and -your nurse, and your steward, will not let one of them touch a gun or -a cutlass, and think there is no safety but in the dark cellar, or the -coal-hole, when there is any disturbance in the yard.</p> - -<p>Well, says John, I shall tell them another tale; my boys shall learn to -defend<span class="pagenum" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</span> me as they used to do. I have seen the time when the stoutest -of them all durst not meddle with me, and that time shall return again, -if I can get arms enough to furnish my hall, as I always had it, till -now.</p> - - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAP_VI"><abbr title="chapter">CHAP.</abbr> VI.</h2> -</div> - - -<p class="center"><i>How the Nurse dreamt that <span class="antiqua">John Bull</span> had banished all the -weavers.</i></p> - - - -<p>We may believe that after so busy a day, as we have been describing, -the Nurse was not likely to get a very good night’s rest; starting, -tumbling and tossing she had in abundance, but very little sound sleep. -She could not shut an eye, but presently she dreamt<span class="pagenum" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</span> of some mischief -or other. One time she thought the pan boiled over in the fire; at -another time, that the cat’s paw was in the custard; and finally, about -three o’clock in the morning, she dreamt that John Bull had banished -all the weavers from his house; she saw the beams, the tradles, the -shuttles, the pirns, all tumbled in a heap into a great black boat; she -saw all the weavers posting to embark. When she would have seized a -piece of broad cloth, behold it was a great iron cannon! When she put -out her hand to save a pirn, lo, it perked up in her face in the make -of a pistol! Terror and amazement awaked her; she forgot her resolution -never to talk any more to John Bull about his affairs, and thought -herself now called upon by<span class="pagenum" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</span> heaven, to interpose in behalf of him and -his children.</p> - -<p>Accordingly, she lost no time in the morning, but went straight to the -parlour, where she found John as busy as ever, talking about the orders -he was to give in his house: and having told him her dream, earnestly -beseeched him to tell her, whether he had any such intention, with -relation to the weavers; for she thought that a person, who had ceased -to be guided by her, would stick at nothing.</p> - -<p>“The woman is crazy,” says John: “I am only thinking how I may best -secure the peace and welfare of my family, and how to keep off rogues; -and you ask me, if I am to banish my weavers?<span class="pagenum" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</span> I’ll defend my weavers -to the last drop of my blood; they shall fare no worse than I do; late -or early, if they are molested, I shall be with them, and I know that -they will stand by me against all the world.”</p> - -<p>“What better protection can you desire for yourself or them,” says the -nurse, “than your own game-keeper, or Rousterdivel? It would do one -good to see, how that fine tall fellow will stop and turn, and do what -he is bid.”</p> - -<p>“A plague take the woman,” says John, “with her Rousterdivel; do -you think that I am a coward, a scoundrel, a beast, a blockhead, a -milk-sop, that I must always run for protection to other people? I tell -you again, that I am<span class="pagenum" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</span> able to defend myself, and that I have people -enow about my house to stand by me.”</p> - -<p>“And how do you propose that they should stand by you?” says the nurse: -“When Lewis sends over his game-keepers, with their guns and their -sabres, who will stand by you then?”</p> - -<p>“Odso,” says John, “cannot my people have guns and sabres as well as -they?”</p> - -<p>“Alas! then,” says the nurse, “my dream is read. You will not have a -weaver in your house in three days, if you go on at that rate: who do -you think will sit quietly on a loom, with guns and pistols pointing -at them in every corner, and that boy George putting<span class="pagenum" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</span> crackers in -the candles, and firing his pistols at sparrows, and shooting the -neighbours cats when they come about the hedges? See who can settle -to work for you, if they are in perpetual danger of having their eyes -blown out with squibs, serpents and rackets? Do you think a tradesman -can do any good if he is scared at that rate?”</p> - -<p>“Scared!” says John, “you don’t think that a weaver will be scared when -he turns game-keeper, and I have none better on my grounds. If any of -my people are afraid of a gun, so much the more shame to them and to -me; it is the very thing I want to correct, by using them a little to -what may be necessary for their own defence and mine.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</span></p> - -<p>“Worse and worse,” says the nurse: “if you use them to guns, you’ll -never get them to work a jot; and banishing the trade is worse than -banishing the men.”</p> - -<p>“A tenfold madness has seized your pericranium,” says John; “do you -think that nobody can make broad cloth but cowards; or that a fellow -won’t work, because he knows he can defend the fruits of his labour? -You have no objection to the taking as many of my tradesmen as you can -get, to make game-keepers of them; and because they work none, you -imagine that every fellow who takes a firelock in his hand to defend -himself and me, is to be idle too. Don’t the game-keepers themselves -work when they are allowed,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</span> and are paid for it? have not I known them -give money to their overseers, for leave to work at their own trades? -and many a good penny has been got in that way. As my people are useful -to me, and to themselves, I intend that they shall work in safety, and -that nobody shall insult an honest tradesman of mine, whilst they and -I have breath in our bodies. Do what you will, you shall never get me -disgraced as you have done, with your idle jaw and nonsensical trash.”</p> - -<p>“Bless me,” says the nurse, “what a wild project you have got in your -head! You’ll tell me you want to defend your house and your estate; but -to what purpose keep your estate, if you cannot find time, so much as -to eat a bit of warm victuals; hurried late and early,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</span> banged, soused -and drenched in all weathers, and this for fear that Lewis Baboon -should turn you out of your possessions; and what matter who has your -possessions, if you cannot sit down to enjoy them? <i lang="la" xml:lang="la">Et propter vitam -vivendi perdere causas.</i>”</p> - -<p>“Hey-day,” says John, “your humble servant, Latin! I remember you of -old.” “But goody,” says he, “I knew you lived among the boys; but don’t -think to palm upon me as a commendation of eating and drinking and -cowardice, what the old boy for whom I have so often been whipped, damn -him, has said against a fellow who would forfeit his honour to preserve -his life.”</p> - -<p>“Well then,” says the nurse, “see how you can keep your bargain -with<span class="pagenum" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</span> Sir Thomas. What will he say, when he sees your house swarming -with pistols and carabines, and cutlasses? you know that he does not -chuse to trust any body in this house with gun-powder, except the -game-keeper.”</p> - -<p>“Blood-and-wounds,” says John, “you are more mindful of Sir Thomas -than you are of me. I have heard nothing from you these twenty years, -but Sir Thomas does not like this, and Sir Thomas does not like that. -I was advised to take Sir Thomas into the management of my affairs, -because Squire Geoffrey endeavoured to get a game-keeper of his own, -and do what he pleased about my house. And now you tell me, that Sir -Thomas and<span class="pagenum" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</span> the game-keeper are the only people to be trusted. Those -gentlemen, it seems, will trust nobody else, and who the devil will -trust them? I never knew any of those suspicious people, that was much -to be trusted himself. Ill doers are ill dreaders, as my sister Peg -says. Odso, if Sir Thomas does not think himself safe in my parlour -with me and my children, he must know of something worse than I thought -of. Who was it that brought him about the house? Have not I done all -that lay in my power for him? And now you and he won’t let me defend -myself, because he won’t trust me. I love Sir Thomas; I mean, that he -shall have the disposal of all the arms about my house, and he shall -find that I am his friend, when Hubble-bubble and you are in your -graves, and all the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</span> nonsense you are perpetually putting in his head -and mine, is not worth a curse.”</p> - - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAP_VII"><abbr title="chapter">CHAP.</abbr> VII.</h2> -</div> - - -<p class="center"><i>What happened after this conversation with the Nurse.</i></p> - - - -<p>Who was listening to all this discourse, but the very boy George -himself, whom the nurse was so much afraid of? This youngster, -instead of loitering about the kitchen or the nursery, flattering the -cook-maid, or the nurse, for slops and tit-bits between meals, was -perpetually rambling about in quest of some diversion without doors. -He had procured a pistol and a gun, and<span class="pagenum" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</span> powder and shot, all which -he hid in the hay-stack, or in crannies of the barn wall. You would -think that he minded nothing but climbing walls, and scrambling over -hedges; but no sooner did he see two or more people serious about any -thing, than he forgot all his play, came to listen, as he did to this -conversation between John and his nurse, and gave such attention, that -there were few articles relating to the family, of which he had not -an excellent notion; and could see the folly and ridicule of people, -who thought themselves over wise, as well as another: he was a perfect -plague to the nurse, who hated a joke, and was often put downright mad -with his dry wipes and arch sayings. He no sooner heard John talk in -the peremptory<span class="pagenum" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</span> manner above related, than he ran away to Mrs. Bull as -fast as his legs could carry him, and told her all that her husband -had said, and a great deal more of his own, without mincing the matter -in the least, by which he convinced her that John was not then in an -humour to be crossed, and that whether she liked the project or no, it -was best to put a good face upon the matter.</p> - -<p>Every body knows that John had devolved great part of his business upon -Mrs. Bull; no tradesman’s bill could be paid without her authority, nor -any receipts granted to any of John’s tenants. In short, neither John -himself, nor Sir Thomas, durst go to a fair or a market, till they knew -whether she would stand to their bargains. This had often been<span class="pagenum" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</span> very -troublesome to Sir Thomas, and till he found out the way of managing -her by means of Hubble-bubble, and the like persons, he was obliged to -proceed with great caution, and for the most part to stay at home, when -he would fain have been a gadding.</p> - -<p>John had been so oft married, that it may be said with safety, that no -man in the world ever had more experience in matrimony. He had tasted -at times both the sweet and the bitter; but it was a maxim of his, -that any wife was better than none; and accordingly, no sooner one -wife died, than he instantly married another. He never liked a woman -the worse for having a spice of the vixen; it pleased him to hear the -clack of a woman’s tongue; and the truth is,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</span> that in a family like -his, it was no good sign when the mistress was not heard of both late -and early. His present wife had got herself a tolerable name in the -neighbourhood, as a quiet, discreet, good sort of a woman; and John, -accordingly, sometimes almost forgot that she was in the family. She -never let him have any of those disputes with Sir Thomas about settling -the accounts, with which John had used to be delighted; but commonly -passed them in the lump, saying, that every article was just what she -would have thought of herself, for the good of the family. With all -this good understanding with Sir Thomas, it was suspected that she had -not all the respect for her husband that she should have had; and the -more that<span class="pagenum" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</span> she never scrupled to talk over all the arts which she had -practised in the courtship, and to tell, how many a pot and penny it -had cost her, to get a good word with his servants, thereby to secure -John to herself, when he might have had his choice of all the country; -and then she would talk of her pin-money, and little perquisites, out -of which, she was perpetually endeavouring to make up some little stock -for herself. The nurse and Hubble-bubble humoured her in all this way -of talking, and said, to be sure, nobody would marry such an old fellow -as John Bull, except with a view to get something by him. By this, and -such like discourse, they had got a great deal to say with her, and -could have easily persuaded her at this time to put off the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</span> project -of giving out the guns, if they durst have ventured to cross John in -a thing he was so much bent upon. The boy George assured Mrs. Bull, -that John must have at least fifty or sixty at a time, and all that the -nurse could venture upon, was to make her abate one half; with which -solacing herself in the mean time, she let an order be signed for the -rest.</p> - -<p>It is hard to say, what made Hubble-bubble and the nurse so averse to -this scheme. As for Hubble-bubble it is probable, as most historians -agree, that he did not know very well himself. But the nurse, who was -no fool, most people thought, must have some other reasons besides her -dream. However this be,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</span> we shall relate facts as they occur in the -course of our history.</p> - - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAP_VIII"><abbr title="chapter">CHAP.</abbr> VIII.</h2> -</div> - - -<p class="center"><i>Concerning sister <span class="antiqua">Peg</span>.</i></p> - -<p>When the accounts were brought to sister Peg of all those fine doings -in John’s house; how Jowler was entrusted with every thing, and was -driving it away like Jehu; and how John had brought all his arms from -the cellar, and was determined to fight with Lewis Baboon himself; and -how John’s hall was stuck round, as it used to be, with guns, pikes, -bayonets and cutlasses, mixed, as report was, with stags branches, fox -skins, and solitairs taken<span class="pagenum" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</span> from Lewis in his youth; Peg expected a -message every minute to desire she would garnish her hall in the same -manner, and get ready the few young men she had left in her house to -oppose Lewis, in case he should attempt to break in that way. But many -a day passed without any tidings; and what was most surprizing of all -was, that with all this lady’s wonted spleen, and acrimony when she -was vexed, there was scarcely a discontented word heard from her on -the occasion. One morning, indeed, at breakfast, she said, that she -could not blame her brother, but that she could not well understand, -what Mrs. Bull meant by putting such a slight upon her, or how it came -to pass that her own clerks, whom she sent to the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</span> office, and who had -nothing else to do but to mind her affairs, never let her hear a word -of the matter.</p> - -<p>This was almost all that she said, for a great while, and that with -so little appearance of concern, that few historians have taken any -notice of it. People who thought of former times, expected bad humour -enough from her on this occasion; but the fact was, that this lady was -greatly changed in her manners and deportment. From being jealous, -captious, and ready to quarrel about a straw, she was grown in a very -little time, a quiet easy-tempered, good-conditioned body, as could be -wished, and this made some people think that the girl might have been -always easy enough to live with, if people had not played<span class="pagenum" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</span> tricks on -porpose to vex her, which indeed was so often the case, that you would -have thought her in a perpetual passion; and she was, by the habit of -continual fretting, so much on the catch, that she thought herself -affronted often, when no such thing was meant. In those days her -servants had better lose their ears, than slight her in the manner they -now did, and they commonly stood as much in awe of her, as the servants -in John’s, or any other house could do of their master and mistress. -But it was a changed world now. Her elder boys and upper servants -passed most of their time out of the house, and sent any orders they -pleased, about the kitchen, the cellar, or the farm; and those who -stayed at home, and did the work of<span class="pagenum" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</span> the family, forgot the way to -complain.</p> - -<p>Whilst John’s house perpetually rung with the marrow-bones and -cleavers, or cat-calls and groans either in honour or contempt of the -upper-servants, according to their behaviour; insomuch, that Mrs. -Bull’s own woman durst not give herself any saucy airs; in Peg’s house -all was hush, the good and the bad were used almost alike; and as to -the business of the office, it was out of sight out of mind with Peg; -she sent her clerks to wait upon Mrs. Bull, and although she was at -no pains to send people that would not require looking after, yet she -never inquired any more about the matter. Accordingly, they not only -neglected her concerns, but often<span class="pagenum" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</span> got bits of the best, for abusing -her to the nurse and the game-keeper, and others of Mrs. Bull’s -gossips; and few or none of them thought of any thing, but how to get -a share to themselves of what was going about <abbr title="mister">Mr.</abbr> Bull’s house. She -had even the mortification to see some of the worst of them come home, -from John’s counting-room, with directions to keep the keys of her -cellar and pantry, and deal out the victuals to her children; in doing -which, they had a wonderful jargon, which nobody could understand, -but which had a strange effect in benumning and stupifying all their -hearers. They talked perpetually of the <em>people above</em>, the -<em>great folks</em>, or <em>the people in power</em>; and now and then -would whisper Peg herself, that if she<span class="pagenum" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</span> kept her temper, the <em>people -above</em> might possibly make her a present of a hood, or a tippet, or -a new petticoat, at a proper time; and though she did not know, who the -devil these people above were, she was perpetually gulled with this -sort of talk. Those who pretend to understand these matters, say, that -the people above were such as had the naming of John Bull’s servants, -and that they contrived new offices, and a variety of perquisites and -vails, on purpose to allure people, who were willing to sell their -souls to hell, and cheat their own father and mother.</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAP_IX"><abbr title="chapter">CHAP.</abbr> IX.</h2> -</div> - - - -<p class="center"><i>How <span class="antiqua">Lewis Baboon</span> was belaboured and drubbed; and how -<span class="antiqua">Jowler</span> behaved.</i></p> - - - -<p>What we have already set forth, was the real state of sister Margaret’s -affairs, when her brother took that sturdy resolution for himself, but -left her out. His, indeed, was the best part of the family, and it was -well that matters were carried so far. John was likely some time or -other to go all lengths for his sister, as well as for himself; and it -was the fashion at this time to say, that the great Jowler would never -stop, till every good work was accomplished;<span class="pagenum" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</span> but historians do not -mention any great things that he did in the matter. It appears, indeed, -that this fellow did set himself in earnest to touzle Lewis Baboon, and -so beset the lake and the common, that Lewis could no where appear, -without getting a knock on the pate with an oar, or a punch in the guts -with a hand-hoe, and sometimes had musket-bullets whistling about his -ears so thick, that he ran as if all the devils in hell were let loose -at his heels.</p> - -<p>In short, Jowler went on helter-skelter; and as long as John and his -wife were in the humour of paying his bills, he hired all the poachers, -game-keepers, and whippers-in in the country, and did not care a -farthing for a fellow, unless he could send him off the country,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</span> to -do some mischief or other. For this reason he made John get as many -game-keepers as possible, but never a word of arming his own children. -He made up matters again with Rousterdivel, gave him all he asked, and -encouraged him to play the devil in the house of Squire South, John’s -old friend. He sent more people to look after Sir Thomas’s farm, than -ever were there before in this world. He brought John in bills of -expence laid out in the East country, so extravagant, and consisting -of so many articles, that you would have thought all the taylors and -apothecaries in the country, had been concerned in making them up. But -Jowler minded nothing of all this; as long as John was in the humour, -he went on, and bullied and<span class="pagenum" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</span> roared, and spent his money, as if the -master’s salvation depended on the noise which his man Jowler should -make in the neighbourhood; and there was nothing to stop him, for -peoples tongues were tied up, some by one thing, some by another; and -well did he know how to hold one tongue, that used to be the loudest of -all on the like occasions.</p> - -<p>There was, however, seldom a day but John had the news of some -mischance befalling his foe Lewis, and then he had the marrow-bones and -cleavers at his door, and his house rung with dancing of hornpipes, -jigs, and country bumkins. It was in vain to tell him that these things -would not avail his family a sixpence after all was over, and that he -had forgot the fine resolutions he had taken,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</span> about the defence of his -own house at home, the clearing up of his old arms, and sending his -children to the fencing-school.</p> - -<p>Jowler kept him perpetually drunk, in order to get his money to spend; -there was seldom a night, but he made him drink twelve bumpers, and -dance three hornpipes; so that John frequently exposed himself to the -neighbourhood, and in his cups talked no less than of taking the half -of Lewis Baboon’s estate to himself.</p> - -<p>In all this hurry-scurry, the nurse and Hubble bubble were laughing -in their sleeves; they saw their own game played to better purpose, -than ever they durst venture to play it. Sir Thomas and<span class="pagenum" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</span> they got the -fingering of more money than ever they had seen before in their lives, -and they might lay it out where they pleased, so they let Jowler have -the honour of the treat: whilst in the mean time they saw no necessity -of taking the arms out of the cellar, and they hoped, that John would -soon forget all that he ever said upon the subject. And so, perhaps, he -would, till Lewis Baboon chose to put him in mind of it again, if it -had not been for the boy George, and one or two more. But George never -rested till he got his gun again, which the game-keeper had taken from -him some time before; and there was no hindering of him, from getting -some choice fellows together on holidays to shoot, as he had an<span class="pagenum" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</span> order -for it under Mrs. Bull’s own hand.</p> - -<p>The nurse then thought that she would give them their bellyful; she -said, that Lewis Baboon was coming, and advised Sir Thomas to call -them out of their beds, at all hours of the night, to send them over -hedge and ditch, from post to pillar, and never give them any rest, in -hopes that they would tire of their project; she thought that when they -found there was no money to be got by the bargain, they would beg to be -off. And here historians observe, that this good woman had forgotten, -how much young people like fun better than money. But still she made -something of a bad bargain; she advised Sir Thomas never to let these -people come home, because<span class="pagenum" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</span> Lewis Baboon was coming, and to send away -all the game-keepers to his own farm, because Lewis Baboon was not -coming. In short, we can find no clear account of Lewis Baboon’s real -intention, in any historian of that age, much less collect any opinion -about it from the conduct of John Bull’s advisers at this time.</p> - - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAP_X"><abbr title="chapter">CHAP.</abbr> X.</h2> -</div> - - -<p class="center"><i>How sister <span class="antiqua">Peg</span> began to look about her; and how she wrote a -letter to her brother <span class="antiqua">John</span>.</i></p> - - - -<p>Many were the freaks which John had taken in his head at different -times: he once thought of turning lawyer, as every body knows;<span class="pagenum" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</span> but -he now despised that and every other profession, and would be nothing -less than a duke or a lord. He thought that he only wanted a suitable -estate to maintain his dignity, and encouraged every scheme that was -laid before him for acquiring it. He had, accordingly, twenty proposals -brought him every day in writing by Jowler, all entitled, “Speedy and -easy methods of acquiring a great land estate, humbly addressed to John -Bull, Esq;” Islands were to be seized here and there by main force; -the whole common was to be inclosed, without enquiring who had a right -there; plantations were to be cut down, and sent to market; farms were -to be let to tenants that John could confide in, and every door was to -be chalked<span class="pagenum" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</span> with John Bull’s name in great letters.</p> - -<p>Why should not I, says he, have a great estate, as well as another? -Every body knows, that Lewis did not come honestly by all he has, yet -the rogue is never the worse esteemed in the neighbourhood.</p> - -<p>Whilst John’s head was busied with these hopeful projects, the news -came that Lewis Baboon was coming in earnest. John looked like a person -just awake from his first sleep, and made some motions towards the -back-door, before he recollected that he had some guns ready in the -hall, and that he and his people must be affronted for ever,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</span> if they -did not pluck up their spirits. He saw a good many of his people ready -to stand by him, and the blood returned to his face; the game-keepers -were all brought into the yard; and the nurse herself was then glad to -see as many of John’s people in arms as possible; the watermen were -sent out in the barge to meet Lewis Baboon; and John, in short, passed -the night, as easily as could be expected of a man in his situation.</p> - -<p>It is an old saying, Every man for himself, and God for us all. John in -his hurry, barricading his doors, and posting his people, forgot his -sister Margaret altogether. There was, indeed, a game-keeper lodged -in her house, but this poor fellow could scarcely pretend<span class="pagenum" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</span> to secure -one door, and Lewis had twenty methods of coming into her house, where -there was neither lock nor latch, nor a single pistol to resist any -body, that should attempt to force his way; and the worst on’t was, -that Lewis had sent a sculler, with some of his game-keepers boys, to -take advantage of this situation. What could a poor woman do? the maids -and the children screamed in every corner of the house, and Jowler sent -a gun to Mac Lurchar, as if Peg’s garret was the only place exposed, -and left her pantry and her cellar to take care of themselves.</p> - -<p>Many people in the house were of opinion, that she should write -immediately<span class="pagenum" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</span> to her brother John, to represent her case, and put him -in mind, that when she trusted her affairs to the management of his -clerks, it was in hopes that her concerns would be equally looked after -with his own. Jack, who by this time had sown his wild oats, and was -grown an orderly conversable fellow as you would desire to see, was -clear for writing this letter. “From the little I have seen of this -troublesome neighbourhood,” says he, “I am convinced that no family is -safe from ill neighbours, and thievish servants, without the master -and his children can take care of themselves. <i>As arrows are in -the hands of a mighty man</i>, says the Psalmist, <i>so are children -of the youth. Happy the man that hath his quiver full of them:<span class="pagenum" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</span> they -shall not be ashamed, but speak with the enemies in the gate.</i> That -is the true defence,” says Jack, “and let us have it. A game-keeper -may be out of the way, but the child of the house is always by his -father’s side.” In short, as he was no trifler, so he was seldom idle, -when there was any thing of consequence to be done, and never minded -whether his opinion was asked or no. He spoke loudly on this occasion, -and as he kept a regular correspondence with Sir Thomas, never failed -to tell him his mind. Peg herself, who, as we have said, was rather -gentle and inoffensive in her ordinary deportment, gave some signs of -discontent and vexation; you could see a little fierceness return to -her eye, and the affection and confidence with<span class="pagenum" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</span> which she had always of -late regarded her brother, perhaps, at this time helped to augment her -displeasure. It is a grievous thing to be neglected by people to whom -we make advances of kindness and respect: this, however, did not extort -from her any injurious terms to her brother. If there was a cloud, it -was readier to break upon his enemies head than on his. The truth is, -that instead of having that waspish cross disposition, which she had -often discovered in her youth, she now needed some encouragement and -spiriting up, to be able to defend her own. This did not hinder many -people from thinking her greatly improved; she had, indeed, more bloom -in her complexion, or was rather less pale than formerly, and was<span class="pagenum" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</span> -what you may call a tight comely woman to converse with, rather than -one of your delicate beauties. But be her person what it would, it was -necessary to defend her house and her children; and people told her, -that if she would write to her brother, he would not hesitate a moment -about putting it in her power to do so. Peg was not near so ready in -taking resolutions as she used to be, when left entirely to shift for -herself; and even so small a matter as writing a letter, she put off -from day to day; at last, she got up one morning very early, and with -the assistance of some of her children and relations, drew up a scroll -of the following letter, which was afterwards copied out fair, and sent -by a careful person to her brother.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</span></p> - - -<p><i>A copy of Margaret’s letter to her brother <span class="antiqua">John</span>.</i></p> -<div class="blockquot"> -<p> -“My dear Brother,<br /> -</p> - -<p>“It was with great pleasure that I heard lately from people who -frequent your house, that you had taken a resolution not to depend -any longer upon Nicholas Frog or Rousterdivel for your defence; that -you had collected your spirit very opportunely, and have since found -yourself fortified, by what is the real strength of every family, the -affection and vigour of your own children. My heart warmed to the -prospect of finding myself in the same situation, and I could have -almost wished for an opportunity to see your children and mine<span class="pagenum" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</span> fairly -united, against some common oppressor, a case in which I hope they -will always be invincible. But whatever my situation may be, I do not -repine at your prosperity. Our interests, indeed, are unseparable, and -I cannot be persuaded, when matters go well with you, that they can, at -the long run, go ill with me or my family. This made me bear patiently -with your people’s neglect of me, when they ordered your family into -a posture of defence; and indeed, unless it had come of yourself at -that time, I was unwilling to have any matter started, which might have -embarassed you in what you was about, by furnishing, as I was told it -might do, the people who were disposed to cross you, with arguments -against your scheme. Those<span class="pagenum" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</span> gentlemen, it seems, have a language ready -prepared with respect to me, but I enter into no contentions with -them. It seems that words have their weight after their meaning has -ceased to be believed. It is in this way only, that I can understand, -why a suspicion thrown upon me in words should be regarded, whilst -your servants in my own sight, carry arms to Mac Lurchar, the only -person almost whom you or I have reason to distrust. I do not condemn -that proceeding of yours; it is an instance of your openness and -good-nature, and I believe has met with a fellow, who has the heart to -stand by his friends, and who, if properly directed, will fight for you -and me, rather than for any body else.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</span></p> - -<p>“But whatever my reasons were, for delaying to put you and Mrs. Bull -in mind of me, I cannot, in justice to my own family, delay it any -longer. Your prosperity I shall always consider as my own; but there -are certain distinctions, which if borne in silence by me, must, even -in your own opinion, render me unworthy of the relation I bear to you. -You used to call me proud. I wish I may not have erred on the other -extreme. When you cease to be proud, I shall not esteem my brother -the more. But whatever weaknesses I may have, how could you for a -moment think of reducing me to the necessity of asking as a favour, -what is the birth-right of all mankind, liberty to defend myself? I -was possessed of this liberty, before I entrusted my affairs to the -management<span class="pagenum" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</span> of your servants; and if you and I both afterwards ceased -to use it, that part of our history, perhaps, had better be past in -silence. It never occurred to me, that you might perhaps resume it -yourself, without offering it to me.</p> - -<p>“If a partial distribution of arms in your own family alarmed you, as -it must do every man of common reason, what must I think? the only -person to whom the means of self-defence are denied, whilst I am -surrounded on every hand, by those who carry a badge of superiority, -more certain than scepters or empty pageantry. If my neighbours are at -variance, whoever is uppermost, it seems, I must be at under, a poor -tame drudge, unable to keep my own, or assist my friends.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</span></p> - -<p>“I should tire you, if I was to say every thing that occurs to me on -this alarming subject, and upon an occasion which would justify greater -degrees of impatience, than I have hitherto expressed. When I think, -that the very enemy against whom your people have taken such care to -secure themselves, is now hovering about my doors, where he is sure -neither to find lock nor bar, nor a single musket to oppose his entry, -I may well lose my patience, and wish at least to hear the cause of -this difference explained.</p> - -<p>“I shall direct my own people with you, how to act upon this occasion; -and I must beg the favour, that you will assist in procuring me -directions how to proceed in warding off the blow, with<span class="pagenum" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</span> which I am now -threatened; or let me know where I am to find bread for my children, if -what I have within my doors is the property of every fool, who may be -disposed to take it.</p> - -<p class="center"> -<span style="margin-left: 3em;">“I am,</span><br /> -<span style="margin-left: 5em;">with the sincerest esteem</span><br /> -<span style="margin-left: 8em;">and affection, yours, &c.</span></p> -<p class="right"> -“MARGARET.”<br /> -</p> -</div> -<p>This letter had a tone of impatience, perhaps, because it was the -sudden burst of a sentiment, which Margaret had been at some pains to -stifle. She meant, as historians affirm, only to speak of the present -alarm; yet she broke into the subject at once, and then was almost -ashamed to own, that she or her children were afraid of Lewis Baboon’s -scurvy waterman, though, to say the truth, she could then have made no -defence.</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAP_XI"><abbr title="chapter">CHAP.</abbr> XI.</h2> -</div> - - -<p class="center"><i>How this letter was received by <span class="antiqua">John</span>.</i></p> - - - -<p>Margaret certainly did her brother wrong, if she supposed that he had -ever refused her the privilege of defending herself, or that he was in -any degree averse, to give his consent to whatever might be necessary -for that purpose. The fact was, that he had forgot her altogether, and -never once thought of the question, whether she should be put upon the -same footing with himself in this particular.</p> - -<p>When John Bull acted from his own temper, and without reflection, he -never<span class="pagenum" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</span> discovered any remains of distrust or antipathy to his sister: -but when any matter came to be seriously considered, and friends, as -John expressed himself, were consulted, then he had, indeed, some -unfavourable maxims relating to her, which he had retained from his -youth, without having ever examined them since; and any ill-disposed -person, putting him in mind of a bit of custard or cheese-cake, which -she had snatched from him in the nursery, could have revived all his -antient prejudices; and then, indeed, from his manner of talking, you -would imagine that his pockets were in perpetual danger. And speaking -of his sister and her family, you would imagine that he had got a -nest of gypsies whom he could not dislodge from his barn, that their -fingers<span class="pagenum" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</span> were perfect fish-hooks or harpies claws, perpetually sticking -in his back. There were people enow who found it of use, to put him in -this mood, and they were sure never to neglect it, when any of Peg’s -people whom they did not like, came about the house to sell trinkets, -or asking for service. Then they would ask John, whether he meant to -bring the itch into his family, or go to bed in perpetual fear of -having his throat cut? But if any body came, who was in the use of -flattering, lying, or pimping for themselves, then a lousy fellow who -had been kicked out of Peg’s house, was the most valuable person in the -world, and John could not do too much for him.</p> - -<p>You may believe, that if Hubble-bubble or the nurse, had been warned<span class="pagenum" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</span> -of a person’s coming with a letter from Peg on this occasion, they -would not have failed to have called, Stop Thief; but by good luck the -letter was delivered into their master’s own hands, and they durst -not for their lives say a word more on the subject at that time. John -had got some bumpers that afternoon; his watermen had met with Lewis -Baboon’s people, and he was gone abroad with Jowler, to see some boats -that had been taken from Lewis, and wrecks that had been driven on -shore. When he had read Peg’s letter: “Ah!” says he, “poor sister here is -mightily afraid indeed. Here is a spot of work now, Jowler. She is not -so much afraid either, but she wants that her young men should be armed -as well as mine.”<span class="pagenum" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</span> “Signify to her,” says Jowler, “that the greatness -and importance of the affairs, in which you are now engaged, must -throw all domestic details into a season of more leisure.” “Ay, ay,” -says John, “tell her we are drinking Lewis Baboon’s dirge here, the -fellow’s joints are stiff by this time; tell her to open a new tap for -her boys, let them be merry, that’s all. She shall not see Lewis Baboon -this twelvemonth, I warrant her. However, as to the affair of getting -guns in her house, if my wife and she can agree about it, I have no -objections.”</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAP_XII"><abbr title="chapter">CHAP.</abbr> XII.</h2> -</div> - - -<p class="center"><i>How Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Bull</span>’s attendants were prepared on this subject.</i></p> - - - -<p>Margaret could scarcely expect any other answer from her brother; he -might, indeed, have talked to his wife, and it would have become him to -have done so very loudly; but the settling matters of that kind, was -left entirely to her and Sir Thomas. This circumstance Peg knew, and -accordingly wrote to Mrs. Bull, Sir Thomas, and all her own clerks in -the office, to each in the stile which was proper for her to make use -of; and as<span class="pagenum" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</span> all the originals are in our hands, not to interrupt the -course of our narration, we intend to defer the publication of them, -with that of many other original papers, to the conclusion of this -great work.</p> - -<p>Notwithstanding that Peg had taken all this trouble, many people -were of opinion that the affair would never be heard of in the -counting-room, so much were they used to see Peg’s affairs overlooked; -but they were mistaken. Gilbert told Mrs. Bull the first or second time -he saw her, what a suit he was to present from her sister, and two -or three of Peg’s boys were determined that it should not go without -a hearing. Mean time, the nurse and Hubble-bubble were not idle. The -scheme<span class="pagenum" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</span> which they thought to have frustrated was taking place very -fast. The boy George and his companions were laughing at them as -usual, and the young men who had been sent out to watch Lewis Baboon’s -motions, past their time merrily in the fields, playing at cricket, -pitch-bar, and foot-ball, from morning to night, eat their victuals -with a good appetite, and slept as sound in a barn, as ever they had -done in the best bed in John’s house: all which, the nurse would not -have believed, if you had sworn it to her on all the four evangelists. -In short, there was no appearance of their tiring, and they would have -held out through mere spite, if they had been tired, when they found -that there was any intention to vex them.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</span></p> - -<p>All this was sore enough upon the nurse, without being obliged to see -her predictions equally falsified, by having the same thing tried -in sister Peg’s house. This she could by no means think of with any -patience, and she determined to do all she could with Mrs. Bull -to prevent it. For this purpose, Hubble-bubble and she took their -opportunity to talk to many of Mrs. Bull’s attendants. They put them -in mind of all the perquisites, presents and vails, which had been so -kindly thrown in their way; observed of what consequence the present -affair was to them, and that if they suffered their friends to be -baffled, and discredited, they must not expect to be served so, in -time coming. You may soon get other people in our places,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</span> said they, -who will be willing to court you for the sake of your mistress; but -can you go as familiarly to a new comer, to ask for a bit of victuals, -or a glass of liquor between meals? By this and such like talk, they -contrived to secure the people who had Mrs. Bull’s ear. And though they -were sure of herself at last, yet matters would go much more smoothly, -if they could get any of sister Peg’s own clerks to give up the affair, -as if she was not very much bent upon it herself.</p> - -<p>Historians agree, that they tampered with many people for this -purpose; but it is well known that not a soul of them would listen to -proposals of that kind, till they came to Bumbo, whom they would have -tried sooner, if they had<span class="pagenum" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</span> not thought themselves sure of him, and -at the same time known what degree of credit he was likely to bring -them. They had sometimes let him loose upon Mrs. Bull before, to very -little purpose; although for discourse he was always ready, and had -stuff in his head, which might be turned into jocular sayings, serious -sentences, pathetic declamations, angry ebullitions, or plaintive -ditties, with equal propriety. He made the same thing pass in all these -shapes, but the hearers did not know either when to laugh or cry, -unless he gave them a signal, by a slap in the chops, a remarkable -roar, or a doleful whine, by means of which it was dangerous to sit -near him; and whether you was near him or no, the changes of his voice -produced an odd sort of mounting and dipping,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</span> like the heaving of -waves, and had the same effect in raising a violent inclination to -vomit. They say, that he had often turned Mrs. Bull’s stomach, and that -she always took cordials when she expected a visit from him. This being -the case, he was to be employed with caution; but he had still one -quality, from which they expected some good, and that was his precise -and accurate method of dividing mankind into Thomists and Geoffrites; -in the last of which classes, he commonly put his mother Peg.</p> - -<p>A Geoffrite originally meant any person who was for restoring Squire -Geoffrey to the management of John Bull’s business, and a Thomist the -opposite. What this gentleman meant by<span class="pagenum" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</span> these appellations nobody could -find out, for he sometimes bestowed them indifferently on Sir Thomas’s -best friends; and what is more surprizing still, on people who never -thought of Sir Thomas nor Squire Geoffrey in all their lives; as well -as some others, who never thought of any thing at all, but how to fill -their own bellies and their pockets. He himself, it was said, was a -Thomist of this kind; but whilst he did nothing himself, but swallow -the warm pottage he had got from John Bull’s nurse, he wanted to -persuade you, that other people’s heads were constantly taken up about -the divine right of attornies to treat their clients as they pleased. A -Geoffrite was his favourite topic to speak upon; but whether it was to -show his sagacity in finding out what escaped<span class="pagenum" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</span> other people, or merely -because he had never seen any body paid for finding out Thomists, it -is certain, that for one Thomist, he would point you out a dozen of -Geoffrites; and you would be surprized, how the devil Sir Thomas got -into the management of John Bull’s or sister Peg’s business at all, as -Bumbo certainly was not in the way to help him to it.</p> - -<p>With all these considerations pro and con, the nurse was extremely -desirous to see him; and as fortune would have it, he was no less -anxious to see her. He wanted at this very time a special reward for -all his services, no less than to be appointed major-domo in Peg’s own -house: this was a sort of a man house-keeper, and was commonly a<span class="pagenum" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</span> grave -elderly person who kept the keys of Peg’s pantry, and entertained as -he thought proper any of the tenants, who had affairs about the house. -The last major-domo was lately dead; and as John Bull’s nurse took the -charge of all pantries and nurseries far and near, and would let nobody -meddle with them, but who was of her own chusing, it was not doubted at -this time, that her favourite Bumbo would be the man. But in order to -secure it the more, he furnished himself with a list of some dozen of -Geoffrites, picked up nobody knows how, and containing some of those -who were likely to oppose himself, in getting the major-domo-ship in -Peg’s family. With this provision he went down stairs, and so across -the court to John Bull’s house.</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAP_XIII"><abbr title="chapter">CHAP.</abbr> XIII.</h2> -</div> - -<p class="center"><i>How <span class="antiqua">Bumbo</span> discoursed with <span class="antiqua">John Bull</span>’s Nurse, and -found her not so great a fool as he thought her.</i></p> - - - -<p>Bumbo, without staying to speak with any body, went straight to the -nurse’s closet, where he found her very melancholy, lamenting her -connection with such a fool as Hubble-bubble, and not much comforted -with the thought of having nobody now to trust to but Bumbo. However, -as the saying is, a drowning man will catch at a straw; whenever he -appeared, she got up and embraced him. Which he understanding to be as -much as to say, My<span class="pagenum" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</span> dear major-domo, I am glad to see you, was going to -thank her, when she broke out into a perfect rage against sister Peg -and her family.</p> - -<p>What, says she, is the meaning of this impertinent saucy letter, you -have sent from your house to <abbr title="mister">Mr.</abbr> Bull? have I not enough to do with his -own humours and his freaks, without your refreshing his memory, and -pretending to copy after him like the ass in Æsop? Set you up, indeed! -we should bring our matters to a fine pass, if we minded all your -letters and remonstrances.</p> - -<p>I hope your ladyship, says Bumbo, does not imagine that I had any hand -in writing that letter, or would put any thing in Peg’s head, which I -knew to be<span class="pagenum" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</span> so disagreeable to your ladyship; indeed, I could not shew -myself any where, without the hazard of being absolutely worried by the -people who were for writing that insolent letter.</p> - -<p>What shall we do then? says the nurse; if that vixen is so much bent -upon this whim, Mrs. Bull cannot possibly refuse her husband’s own -sister, what the world will call so poor a favour; it would look like -mere jealousy and spleen, and might breed heart-burnings between the -two families.</p> - -<p>Here <abbr title="mister">Mr.</abbr> Bumbo, perceiving the good woman’s extreme distress, thought -how he best might comfort her, and thereby turn the discourse to the -affair of his own major-domo-ship. My dear madam, says he, don’t be -uneasy; this<span class="pagenum" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</span> letter was written by a parcel of Geoffrites, of whom -I have a list in my pocket; the few Thomists that are in that house, -would sooner be hanged than do any thing so disagreeable to your -ladyship.</p> - -<p>Yours are right Thomists, says the nurse; ours here are more -troublesome about those matters, than any body; but assure me, says -she, that this letter is a forgery, and I shall love you as long I -breathe.</p> - -<p>A mere forgery upon my salvation, says Bumbo.</p> - -<p>Well said, says she, what comfort you give me! Let us away to Mrs. -Bull, and have those forgers tried to the utmost.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</span></p> - -<p>Before your ladyship goes, says Bumbo, I have a little affair to -mention: your ladyship knows, that the major-domo is dead, may not I -presume to hope, that your ladyship will do me a good office with Sir -Thomas on this occasion?</p> - -<p>Assure yourself that you shall be major-domo, says the nurse; but you -must not go, till Mrs. Bull has heard your evidence about the forgery.</p> - -<p>Upon my honour and reputation, says Bumbo, there is no occasion; the -forgery will appear quite plain, every word of it forged, as I declare -to you; but that unnatural woman was persuaded to desire me to second -her application, and your ladyship knows, that even a major-domo leads -but a dog’s-life, if<span class="pagenum" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</span> the mistress and every body be against him. There -is Small-Trash, the Laird of Lick-pelf’s brother, will give his oath -about the forgery; and that is the same thing as if I did it myself, -for every body knows that we always swear the same things.</p> - -<p>I don’t understand your scruples now says the nurse; would any woman -desire you to second a forged application? Besides nobody ever heard -of Small-Trash; and we cannot be answerable for trusting his evidence. -Stay, stay, my dear major-domo, and give us your own proper evidence in -this important point of forgery.</p> - -<p>I pray, says Bumbo, that your ladyship would consider my straits; I -dare not say a word about Geoffrites; every<span class="pagenum" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</span> body will roar, and say, -they knew what was a coming; nor dare I speak my mind about Peg; I beg -that your ladyship would not expose me like a bawd on the pillory, to -be pelted, battered, and splashed with rotten eggs, chewed apples, and -street dirt, for the faithful counsel which I give in your private ear. -I will do twice as much for you in another way.</p> - -<p>Well, well, says the nurse, I see the matter is hard, Gilbert and James -will carry all before them. I shall neither meddle nor make; Sir Thomas -will be imposed upon about the major-domo-ship. There are many people -looking for the place, and let me tell you it is an office of great -consequence. You are young, <abbr title="mister">Mr.</abbr> Bumbo; and they say,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</span> you are hot when -my back is turned, and you do not understand much of the larder or the -pantry, and you huff the poor tenants when they come about the kitchen, -and that Margaret herself has not that confidence in you, which the -mistress of a family should have in a person, who has such a trust -about her house. In short, I have had many disputes on your account, -and now I am an old woman, and don’t meddle much. There is little -appearance of my being able to obtain this favour for you; but you may -talk to Sir Thomas about it yourself. I am, indeed, very much out of -order; old age has many infirmities; a very severe cough I have, and -am troubled with wind; indeed, I have not eat an ounce of victuals for -these three days.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</span></p> - -<p>It is impossible to describe what passed in Bumbo’s countenance -during this harangue. It changed from suspence to embarrassment, from -embarrassment to confusion, from confusion to absolute despair; and -there it settled, when the nurse concluded her speech and was just a -going. Well, says he, with a faultering voice, I have got many enemies -on your account and Sir Thomas’s; here they are, pulling the list out -of his pocket, sworn Geoffrites, as I hope to be saved.</p> - -<p>That will not do, <abbr title="mister">Mr.</abbr> Bumbo, says the nurse; we do not care a rush for -your Geoffrites or your Thomists either. They do well enough in their -time, but when one is about serious business, I<span class="pagenum" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</span> hate trifling. If John -Bull and his sister take the defence of their houses upon themselves, -we may all go packing. What influence can any body have in a family, -where he has little or nothing to give away? I have been all my life -contriving things for Sir Thomas and myself, to take to ourselves, -or to give away, and now you would have us part with one of the best -things we have. I have found, <abbr title="mister">Mr.</abbr> Bumbo, that a person’s influence in -any family, depends on the number of good things he has to give; you -must have caps, ribbons and petticoats for the maids, sugar-plumbs -for the children, and luncheons for the clerks, and be able to help a -footman now and then out of livery, otherwise they will not give an -old song for you; and Sir<span class="pagenum" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</span> Thomas has found plenty about John’s house, -otherwise Mrs. Bull and he would not be so good friends as they are. -People must have their vails and their perquisites. Many a time has -Sir Thomas obliged his friend with a game-keeper’s place or so; and -consider with yourself, that if John continues to do any part of that -business himself, what numbers, not only of game-keepers, foresters and -whippers-in, but even weavers, taylors, smiths, accountants, bakers, -tanners, and shoe-makers, will forget the way to Sir Thomas’s closet, -and never think more of Hubble-bubble, or your humble servant. And then -the management of Rousterdivel’s affairs when he was brought over, -was an excellent thing; trust me, many a pretty fortune has been got -by Rousterdivel. But it<span class="pagenum" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</span> is all over, <abbr title="mister">Mr.</abbr> Bumbo, all over; and now a -person who comes to ask for a major-domo-ship, thinks he may do what he -pleases.</p> - -<p>Much honoured madam, says Bumbo, I hope you do not consider the -scruples of a friend as an absolute refusal. I have always been ready -to swear what you please, and if my oath be required to this forgery, I -am ready to give it.</p> - -<p>That was spoken like a major-domo, says the nurse; let us away to -Hubble-bubble, and settle the tenour of your evidence.</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAP_XIV"><abbr title="chapter">CHAP.</abbr> XIV.</h2> -</div> - - -<p class="center"><i>Showing how it was the fashion to harangue Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Bull</span>.</i></p> - - - -<p>Altho’ Mrs. Bull, in all matters of consequence, generally took her -resolution before she came into the office, yet it was the fashion to -talk to her, as if she was undetermined to the last; and she herself -humoured people in this whim, by listening to them, as if she was -drinking in instruction at both her ears, from every word they said. -This same had its consequences, for she got the habit of doing nothing, -unless some body spoke to her more or less, and then if she was never -so much determined upon a point, she was often<span class="pagenum" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</span> out of countenance, -when all the talk and the noise was on the other side.</p> - -<p>This circumstance made Jowler so precious a fellow, that Hubble-bubble -himself, at the time he had most to say with Mrs. Bull, would have -given a piece of his ear to have had Jowler hold his tongue; which he, -however, would never do, till he saw time and place convenient. Then do -historians say, that they have seen him as silent as a lamb, or making -his noise on t’other side of the same question.</p> - -<p>However this be, you may believe that this affair of sister Peg’s was -not to pass without talking enough. Mrs. Bull was no sooner seated, -than there were people enow ready to advise her;<span class="pagenum" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</span> she was told to -put off the matter to another time, that it was an affair of great -consequence, and that Peg appeared to be in too great a hurry. Which -was scarcely said, when she was told, that her ladyship was no stranger -to such subjects, that she had heard enough of it lately from her own -husband, and given her opinion; that the people who spoke of Margaret’s -hurry, were certainly in jest, and meant to ridicule the poor woman for -her long patience and forbearance.</p> - -<p>In short, some people said, that they did not think it was safe to -trust sister Peg with any arms at all. They bid Mrs. Bull recollect, -whether she had not heard, that Peg had been in the practice of biting -and scratching her brother,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</span> when they were both in the nursery; and -asked, what security John now had, that she might not beat him out of -his own house, or otherwise use him as she thought proper.</p> - -<p>Mrs. Bull herself was ashamed of this argument; for a woman, whatever -she may think, cannot bear to hear her husband meanly spoke of. But she -was soon relieved of this distress, by a person who set forth John’s -manhood to some purpose; and in short, gave his opinion, that to be -afraid of so inferior a force was mean and dastardly, to express any -jealousy of Margaret’s dispositions was injurious and abominable, as -they had every reason to believe, that she was well satisfied with her -brother, and only meant to tread in his steps, in<span class="pagenum" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</span> a matter which would -be so honourable for both.</p> - -<p>One fellow came running from the pantry, with a bib and an apron, and -quoted the nurse’s dream; he said, that although John Bull had banished -the weavers, it was no reason why his sister Peg should do the like; -that she had more need to have a piece of cloth sent her to make coats -for her children, than authority for any such pernicious scheme; and -that if she and her whole house were at the door, he would not grant -so ruinous a favour; that he remembered to have heard the condition -that both houses were in, when every body thought himself qualified to -fight, that there was then neither wheel nor loom within the door, and -nobody wrought any<span class="pagenum" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</span> at all; and he asked Mrs. Bull, whether she would -have those times revived?</p> - -<p>To this it was said, that every body might have heard of times, when -people wrought very little, but that they always wrought more or less; -and that if there was less work done formerly than now, it was because -fewer people were bred to business, and because there was not so ready -a market for fine cloaths or other niceties, by which tradesmen get -their livelihood; but that now when every body is bred to business, and -a tradesman’s work is well paid for, it was absurd to say, they would -grow idle, merely because they could keep their own, and were put in a -condition not to be robbed and plundered.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</span></p> - -<p>This did not hinder others from talking on without end. Some of your -fine-spun faint-hearted thinking people declared, that they did not -think that John Bull or his sister could prosecute this scheme; it -was a fine one indeed, they said, but the brother and sister were now -too old to think of such projects; a good warm bed, an elbow-chair, -or a couch, a glass of cordial, or a bit of comfortable dinner, were -properer subjects for them to think of, than scrambling over hedges, -lying out of nights, and dry blows: That game-keepers might be -dangerous within doors, but that John had now no other chance to keep -off roguish neighbours: That either his own game-keepers, or those of -other people, would lay him in his<span class="pagenum" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</span> grave at last: That it became him -and his sister who had so many marks of age about them, rather to think -of preparing themselves for the other world, than to talk of vapouring -any longer in this. In short, there was no end of the impertinencies -which were spoken in this strain, all giving Mrs. Bull a speedy -prospect of widowhood, and turning her thoughts toward Sir Thomas, or -some other of your spruce young gallants.</p> - -<p>Some said it was lucky that John heard nothing of all this, for he was -sometimes as jealous as ten furies, and if he had symptoms of age, -he had likewise remains of youth, which would have very ill brooked -such insidious attacks on his honour. For our parts we wish that he<span class="pagenum" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</span> -had heard every word of it, and had given the person who spoke so, a -slap in the face; for we do not see what any body has to do putting -people in mind of their age, and we are very sure that John will not -die the sooner, for doing all he can to keep himself alive; and if he -was to die to-morrow, we would rather see him hearty and well while he -lives, were it but for an hour, than moping and drooping his head, and -in terror not only of what is to come in the other world, but even of -every fool who may think to tread upon him in this.</p> - -<p>No sooner the rustling, whispering and hubbub which this speech had -occasioned was over, then in steps a game-keeper, to tell how much -better he could defend the house than any body else.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</span> For you must know -that the game-keepers were very angry, and treated John Bull as little -better than a poacher, for pretending to keep a gun in his own house.</p> - -<p>He told Mrs. Bull that her husband and his family were mere aukward -lubbers, who never could get the strut nor the air of a game keeper to -the end of the world; that a man could not fight unless he gave his -whole time to it; and that unless a man could fight to purpose, he had -better not fight at all.</p> - -<p>This speech met with an answer too. It was said, that every body would -fight till he ran away; that some people ran away sooner, and others -later; that nobody, however, could do it sooner than<span class="pagenum" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</span> the game-keepers -themselves had done upon occasion; whether their manner of running -away was better than any that John or his sister could attain, this -speaker would not pretend to say; but he saw no harm in letting them -have a gun in their hands now and then, to use them to it, in order -that they might stand as long as possible, if any body came to attack -them; and he could see no objection to this, unless it was said, that -people were the worse for being used to a firelock, and fought best -when they knew nothing of the matter, which from what he had heard of -new hired game-keepers might possibly be the case; but that people -would probably not urge that argument; and for his part, he had always -considered a previous use<span class="pagenum" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</span> of arms, as an advantage in times of danger; -and therefore, he thought that not only <abbr title="mister">Mr.</abbr> Bull, but his sister too, -should have as much of it, as was consistent with their situation.</p> - - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAP_XV"><abbr title="chapter">CHAP.</abbr> XV.</h2> -</div> - - -<p class="center"><i>How Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Bull</span> sat still and heard a great deal more on this -subject.</i></p> - - - -<p>We cannot well tell how it happened, that although Mrs. Bull was -considering only, what answer should be given to sister Peg’s letter, -yet John’s own affairs were brought in head and shoulders, and it -seemed as if people were afraid to hurt Peg, except through John’s -sides. The truth was, that though some people did not like to see the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</span> -humour spreading, they did not chuse to stop it by objections peculiar -to Peg, in which they could have been contradicted; and as the state of -disparity to her brother, in which she was put, could by no means be -glossed over, they chose to keep away from it as far as possible, and -speak only in general terms, Peg’s clerks found themselves obliged to -do the same thing. One of them told Mrs. Bull, that he came there to -sollicite a piece of justice for an aged parent, and was surprized to -find so many people ready to dissuade her from granting it.</p> - -<p>If there are, says he, sufficient objections to the use of arms in a -family, discontinue it in your own; if there are not, why disgrace one -part of your house, by refusing what all mankind<span class="pagenum" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</span> know to be the great -distinction between masters and slaves?</p> - -<p>I am surprized, however, to hear so much concerning the absolute -inconveniencies of this measure. It may be inconvenient for a man to do -any thing at all for his own defence; but if it be necessary for his -preservation, to what purpose talk of inconveniencies? It is certainly -meant by people who speak in this strain, that the method now in -question is more inconvenient than that by game-keepers, which is the -only other one that I have heard of. If this is their opinion, they -should have entered somewhat farther into the question, than at present -they appear to have done.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</span></p> - -<p>This family has been for some time in the practice of committing -their defence intirely to a certain class of people, whom they call -game-keepers. Those are the only persons about the house, supposed to -know any thing at all of the use of arms; they are set apart from the -rest of the family, and by their manner of life, are made to shake off -all connection with them as much as possible; and this, I suppose, -that they may be at all times ready to go any where, or do any thing -that their profession may require, without any regret of their own, or -incumbrance from other people.</p> - -<p>They are taught, for the same reason, to obey their leader implicitly, -and to know no law but his commands; to all which conditions they -bind themselves<span class="pagenum" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</span> for life; and in the mean time, do no work either in -seed-time or harvest, but are fed at the expence of the family.</p> - -<p>This, I apprehend, to be a very fair description of a game-keeper, -as that profession is now maintained. Every body knows that <abbr title="mister">Mr.</abbr> -Bull has chosen this expedient with great reluctance. He was always -apprehensive, that whoever was master of the only arms in a house, -might soon become master of the house itself. The practice, however, -stole upon him, and for ought I know he might have gone all lengths -in the use of it, if he had not been ashamed of a sudden, to find -himself and all his family afraid to look any enemy in the face. He -bethought himself of the wretched<span class="pagenum" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</span> condition he must be in, either if -his game-keepers should turn against him, should desert him, or even -be out of the way at an unlucky time. And to fortify himself against -those calamities, he has distributed a certain quantity of arms among -his children; a certain number are to be named in their turns; to learn -the use of those arms, under the direction of a person, to whom all -his other affairs are so happily intrusted. The people who receive -this instruction live in the family, and mind their business, with the -single interruption, which some days of practice, or necessary service -may occasion. When they have taken their turn, they leave that station -to others, and live as before; with this only difference, that if the -house is<span class="pagenum" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</span> alarmed, they are readier to act a part, in which they have -already had some practice.</p> - -<p>We have heard enough of the impossibility of putting this scheme in -execution; but, I think, it is found sufficiently practicable, when we -want to have somebody in place of the game-keepers, whom we employ so -liberally elsewhere; and therefore, I shall not now say any thing at -all upon that point.</p> - -<p>Has it then any inconveniencies which do not attend every other method -of self-defence? The expence, the interruption of business, the trouble -attending it, do certainly not exceed what is found of the same kind, -in maintaining the profession of game-keepers. In point of<span class="pagenum" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</span> expence, it -is evident we can afford a much more numerous body of men in this way -than in any other, if instead of augmenting our game-keepers without -end, to vie with our neighbours, we are satisfied with a moderate -number in ordinary times, and prepare this resource for ourselves, -against any sudden alarm.</p> - -<p>With respect to the interruption of work, it must be allowed, that -nobody can possibly work less than a game-keeper. To have so many -people idle in succession, or the same number of individuals idle for -their whole lives, appears to me precisely the same thing, with this -only difference, that a game-keeper is idle, whether there be occasion -to employ him in his profession or no, the other is not.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</span></p> - -<p>As for the trouble, I do not know any body who can have cause to -complain of it, except <abbr title="mister">Mr.</abbr> Bull and his sister; and when they are -tired, they will probably let it alone, without troubling your ladyship -for any orders about the matter.</p> - -<p>But I find people of very solemn authority, who tell us that it is -dangerous to trust the youth of a family with arms. That besides -quarrelling among themselves, they will fly in the face of every body -else. That they may even drag your ladyship off that couch where you -sit, and kick us your clerks down stairs. I should be glad to know -from whom it is you are to fear these outrages; or if any body in -reality was to offer them, to whom would you apply for protection,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</span> -but to those who call you their lawful superior and their parent. It -is strange, that a parent should be supposed to have no hold in the -affections of her own children, or that they who stand first in point -of esteem and respect in the family, should be in danger of being -maltreated by those with whom they are so nearly connected. For my -part, if the children of this family improve in their courage, their -vigour, and their spirit, I expert to improve with them, and should -be ashamed to own, that I fear losing, in that case, the respect and -affection, with which I am now received among my companions.</p> - -<p>At any rate it seems it is owned, that we may quarrel among ourselves; -and pray who is it we would have to be<span class="pagenum" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</span> worsted, in case of such a -quarrel? Can we foresee who will be in the right, that we may arm them, -and nobody else? It seems, we are sure, the game-keeper, at least, will -be always in the right, since we are for keeping him perpetually armed, -and for rendering all the rest as tame and helpless as possible, that -he may have the less trouble, or find them ready subdued to his hand. -Or do those who alarm us with the fear of domestic quarrels, pretend -that the game-keeper will never quarrel with any body? I would gladly -avoid this subject, but the question is forced upon us. I honour the -profession of which I speak, and would often in my life have gladly -embraced it. But when I was describing it to you, I thought that I was -pointing out the most dangerous<span class="pagenum" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</span> quarter, into which the spirit of -domestic faction can come. Here is an order of men, who are always in -readiness to act, whose leader is always prepared; in possession at all -times of great power, and at all times desirous of more. Other factions -may lurk under-ground in the seed, or spring into view to be crushed as -they appear. But this is at all times a full grown plant. There needs -no giant to tear it from the roots, nor is there any great address -required, with the help of this weapon, to confound and destroy all the -civil and domestic institutions of men.</p> - -<p>I speak not with a view to excite groundless jealousies; I speak in -behalf of an institution, which is now compleated in one part of the -family, and<span class="pagenum" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</span> which, if carried to the other, must prove our best -security against ill-designing men, from within, or from without, in -either house. If it be an advantage where it is already established, -I hope that your ladyship will not refuse to share it with an only -sister, who would be glad to employ all her force in your service, and -now only claims her privilege as a piece of justice, from a person to -whom she has intrusted the management of her affairs.</p> - - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAP_XVI"><abbr title="chapter">CHAP.</abbr> XVI.</h2> -</div> - -<p class="center"><i>How <span class="antiqua">Bumbo</span> gave his evidence.</i></p> - - -<p>We are far from commending the practice of certain historians, who -pretend to give the compleat<span class="pagenum" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</span> speeches which were spoken many ages -before, by leaders of armies, members of councils, and orators in -popular assemblies; we maintain that nobody can do this, except the -devil, or some person to whom the speaker himself gave a copy of his -harangue in writing. This not being our case, we content ourselves -with giving a few broken hints, such as we have been able to collect -from the best authorities, in order to give our reader some notion of -the substance of what was said to Mrs. Bull upon this great occasion. -With respect to the contents of this chapter, indeed, we are singularly -happy, in having met with the memoirs of Suck-Fist, a very learned man -of that age, who used to feed the game-keeper’s pointer, and being -present with Mrs. Bull on this occasion,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</span> has transmitted to posterity -the particulars of Bumbo’s appearance.</p> - -<p>By him we are informed, that Bumbo, after all, was not put to his oath; -that the terrors of a formal oath approaching, he so explained what he -had said about the forgery, that it was not thought expedient to put -him to it in public; and the nurse thought it was better to hazard a -speech from him at large, which if the lady’s bowels could bear to an -end, would at least show the world, that there was one of Peg’s own -people against granting her request.</p> - -<p>Bumbo therefore appeared with this view, as no better could be made of -it. Suck-Fist relates, that he began with declaring the instructions he -had got<span class="pagenum" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</span> from Margaret, to second her application. He said, that for -his part it was his opinion, that nothing could be more reasonable than -the proposal she made; that if John Bull had arms in his house, or sent -his children to the fencing school for a month or two, there was no -reason why Margaret should be hindered from doing the same thing; and -that there was nothing more desireable than to have every distinction -between the two families abolished.</p> - -<p>Were not Suck-Fist a writer of good authority, both in point of -judgment and veracity, we should be apt to question the following -particulars of his narration; they are so repugnant to what went -before, and so totally void of sense or coherence, that not only we, -but all future historians will hesitate before they<span class="pagenum" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</span> transcribe this -part of his memoirs into their works. But as fiction is often more -probable than truth, we draw a presumption of veracity from the very -want of likelihood in the case, and are sure that such things could -never have come into any body’s head, if they had not been true. To -dissuade Mrs. Bull from signing the order, which, it seems, was brought -her ready written, relating to Peg’s people, he tells her, that it was -exactly like that she had already given in her own house. He did not -pretend, at least in public, that the Geoffrites were many in Peg’s -house, yet he would not even let Sir Thomas pick and chuse, but said, -it was giving arms indiscriminately, to raise turbulent spirits. He -commended Mac Lurchar extremely, and said it was a pity to take him -off his loom, except he was to be transported;<span class="pagenum" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</span> that giving him arms -would spoil his hand as a weaver, and hinder his fighting, in which he -had behaved so gloriously, that he did not deserve to be discouraged, -much less annihilated, till John had made up matters with Lewis Baboon. -He pointed at many bad consequences, that would attend employing Mac -Lurchar, for the defence of the house, such as spoiling a good weaver, -and the like; but he insisted, that no distinction should be made -between him and any body else, by pushing a line, or any other method -that could separate the house into two parts; I implore, beseech, and -intreat, says he, that you would not push any such line across our -house; let us all be treated alike, and if there be any of us who are -not in danger of being molested, or others who are<span class="pagenum" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</span> not fit to carry -arms, let us all be refused them together, that nobody’s mind may be -ruffled, nor any heart-burnings be left, but those which do or may -subsist between John Bull himself and his worthy sister Margaret; they -have been used to more dust than any can raise between them, and can -bear it all. He advised Mrs. Bull to do nothing at all in Peg’s house, -lest she should forget something; when you have shown to us, that you -can remember every circumstance at once, then we will apply for your -directions, or devise a method of our own; and as Margaret has already -born the disgrace of this difference so long, I see no reason why she -may not bear it some time longer; her house can never be more open, or -more defenceless than it is now, nor her children less qualified to -resist thieves; and I see no<span class="pagenum" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</span> reason to hurry the supply of defects, to -which she is now so well accustomed. He concluded by telling Mrs. Bull, -what a dangerous thing it would be to give any orders in Peg’s house, -when he was told that her ladyship was just going to give some fresh -order in her own.</p> - -<p>These particulars, posterity will no doubt admit upon the testimony -of Suck-Fist; especially as he adds, that if any body shall say, that -Bumbo reasoned upon other principles, he is ready to contradict them, -by saying it is not true. He subjoins, that Jowler paid him great -respect in speaking after him; and we ourselves know, that Small-Trash -exclaimed, that he had gained immortal honour.</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAP_XVII"><abbr title="chapter">CHAP.</abbr> XVII.</h2> -</div> - -<p class="center"><i>How Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Bull</span> settled her stomach.</i></p> - - -<p>Mrs. Bull, in the course of the foregoing speech, was observed by -many people to change colour, and before it was done, hartshorn-drops -and smelling-bottles were produced in abundance. Every one said, that -nobody but Jowler could settle her stomach, for he used to stun her -sometimes, so as to take away the sense of every thing else, which has -often been observed to have very good effects in trifling illnesses, by -drawing off the patient’s attention, as the fear of drowning will do in -the case of sea sickness, and blisters, caustics, and stimulusses, in -the case of other<span class="pagenum" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</span> disorders. Jowler accordingly set to work with her: -but for want of the big words, with which he used to coax John Bull, -and which he avoided now for reasons best known to himself, he could -produce nothing that day, but a maukish sort of stuff, that was little -better than the warm water, which people are made to drink after a -vomit.</p> - -<p>In short, Mrs. Bull was up and just going, when one of Peg’s clerks -begged her not to be rash in dismissing a business, in which the -interest, the honour, and the preservation of her husband’s family, -were so deeply involved; he told her, that he was surprized, to find -any objections made to the terms of the order that was laid before -her, as they did not pretend to ask any more at that<span class="pagenum" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</span> time, than that -she should appoint a day to consider that order, and correct it if -she thought proper; that if she refused that request, the whole world -must say, that she was determined to hear no reason on the subject, -and would be left to suspect, that she had as little inclination to -the measure in <abbr title="mister">Mr.</abbr> Bull’s own house, as in his sister’s; for he had -scarcely heard one argument, that was not equally strong against it in -both. That whether this was the case or no, he never could think the -establishment secure, whilst it reached only to one part of the family, -nor the union between the two houses compleat, whilst some were treated -like step-children or bastards, and others like gentlemen and heirs to -the paternal estate.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</span></p> - -<p>It were painful, says he, to lay before you at large the iniquity -of such a conduct, of which I believe you incapable; but if you are -disposed to hear what may be offered on the point in general, I have -yet those impressions deeply rooted in my breast, which made me wish -for this establishent in your house, as the best security to your -fortune, your honour, and your life. Impressions, which make me behold -with joy, the steps you have pursued, altho’ I am now reduced to the -necessity of begging as a favour, in behalf of a parent, what, on -the foot of equal treatment, she has a right to demand; and what, if -refused, must appear as a stain to her honour, and a mark of disparity -which she was not born to endure. But her<span class="pagenum" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</span> opposers have saved us the -trouble of enlarging on this topic, and wisely made it unnecessary to -prove, what is already too plain.</p> - -<p>The arguments are such as would make us believe, that every moment -which is bestowed by individuals for the good of the public, is lost -to that family for which it is bestowed. They talk of the advantage -of private industry, but speak of every practice that connects an -individual in his views or affections with the family to which he -belongs, as an allurement to idleness and sloth. To act for the family, -to defend it in times of peril, is the noblest office to which any -individual can aspire; and if he labours within your doors to heap up -wealth, without having a soul capable<span class="pagenum" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</span> of this office; you may call -him, indeed, a gainful property, but will scarcely show him among your -children, when they come to appear before those who are judges of men. -Who upon such an occasion would point out a sneaking mercenary selfish -coward, and call him his child? Yet such is the race which we are -desired to propagate, and such is the character which we are cautioned -not to corrupt.</p> - -<p>We have heard from many the praise of industry, as if any body were -inclined to dispute that praise. We have heard at large, the advantages -of wealth, as if wealth and industry were inconsistent with the measure -for which we contend. From this source, say they, your store-houses and -your granaries are filled: let them tell us then from what<span class="pagenum" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</span> source the -defence of our stores are to proceed? Will our wealth deter a rapacious -enemy? Are the eagles intimidated, when they are told that the doves -are fatter than they? No; but our wealth will hire a protector. Who -then will defend us against the protector whom we have hired? Is the -gripe of a rapacious hireling less to be feared, than that of a rival -at the gate? But our wealth, we are told, will enable us to maintain -a large and a numerous family. But what is it will render that family -worth maintaining, or make the company of those numbers that we hear of -desirable? For my part, I never thought it a blessing to be placed in a -multitude of base, degenerate, and selfish men. If the people we live -with are vile, the more there are of them, just so much the worse.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</span></p> - -<p>I have been surprised, therefore, to hear gentlemen speak of filling -a house with men, without ever mentioning the quality of those -numbers they mean to assemble; and speak of cloaths and food, as -of consequence, whilst the character of him who is to use them is -neglected. A little reflection will convince, that the soul of a -man is of more value than his possessions, and that the happiness -of individuals, as well as that of the families which they compose, -depends more on the generosity, justice and fortitude of their spirit, -than on the trappings in which they are cloathed, or the quantity -of merchandize they sell to their neighbour. They, however, who -contend that the present measure is inconsistent with the success of -industry and traffic, throw these advantages<span class="pagenum" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</span> into a light of greater -contempt, than I am disposed to do. We excell our predecessors in the -art of procuring wealth; we excell them in the knowledge of domestick -oeconomy; why should we not excell them too in the skill and resolution -to defend advantages, which so far exceed what they ever possessed?</p> - -<p>Without we carry this quality along with us, other advantages are of -little avail; wealth and affluence are but allurements to rapine; even -a disposition to gentleness, humanity and candour, but exposes the more -to the assaults of others, and doth not secure the integrity of him who -inherits it. If I contend with a knave in behalf of the innocent, and -dare not stand the hazard of a contest when brought to extremes,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</span> my -antagonist knows how to prevail from the first, for I shrink from the -countenance of a person who is hardier than I. I am prepared on the -slightest trial to betray my friend, my brother, my father, and the -honour of my race. I am already formed for a slave, and hold my safety -and my life by the tenor of another’s will. There is no vice, which may -not be grafted on cowardice, as successfully as upon avarice itself, -that other stock which we are so willing to cultivate.</p> - -<p>I shall be told that the people of this house are yet far removed -from this despicable extreme. I hope they are, and that every assault -of injustice would meet with a hardy and resolute opposition in the -members of this family;<span class="pagenum" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</span> but let us beware of the extremes, to which -our maxims and our practices may finally carry us.</p> - -<p>We educate a few only to the use of arms; them, indeed, we endeavour -to inspire with courage and a contempt of danger, but we endeavour -at the same time, by throwing them into a separate way of life, to -weaken their connection with the family, and to stifle the sentiments -of filial tenderness and respect, under the load of artificial -subordinations, to which they are bound for life. The familiar use -of arms may fortify the breast; but more is required to accomplish a -faithful and dutiful child, a tender, a generous affection, to that -parent, whom he is bound to defend.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</span></p> - -<p>The flower and choice of our young men, croud into the profession of -which I speak: for what station is more desireable to a man of spirit, -than one in which he can exert the native vigor of his mind, and stand -in the light of a protection and defence to his father’s house? They -place themselves in this station with a glowing and ardent mind, but -their continuance in it seldom fails to extinguish or depress those -sentiments, and leave no impression but that of a servile dependance on -the persons under whose directions they are placed.</p> - -<p>Whilst we thus educate one part of the family, the remainder, we say, -are left to cultivate pacific arts; and those arts must be pacific -indeed, which render<span class="pagenum" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</span> the ability of self-defence unnecessary, by which -men are made tools to procure the means of life, and are scarcely -put in mind, that they have a right to defend the privileges of men, -against all who shall presume to attack them. The former are bred -to commit acts of violence, in cold blood, the latter to bear them -with a tame and dejected soul. Did we resolve to try what the utmost -corruption could do, to debase, to sink and destroy a race of men, a -more ingenious contrivance could not be found than this we are disposed -to follow.</p> - -<p>It is the business of one man, it seems, to think of nothing but -quarrels and violence; to another, it is not even permitted to defend -himself. In this<span class="pagenum" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</span> hopeful partition of your children, where are you to -find the generous, the manly, and the dutiful spirit, equally prepared -for times of quiet and of trouble? A spirit, which the suspension -even of domestic government will not discompose, but which can, by a -well-directed resolution and vigor, restore that order, which it is so -well qualified to adorn and maintain.</p> - -<p>If we would have any vestige of such spirit remain among us, let those -who have the habits and affections of children, be likewise endowed -with the force of men; let those who call you parent be inspired with a -resolution to stand by you in all your distresses and difficulties; and -whilst they enjoy the privileges and immunities of children, be taught -to know that it is their duty to defend them.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</span></p> - -<p>I was always fond of the measure now under consideration, because it -aimed at producing those happy effects. You need not be told in what -manner it tends to produce them, for your family has already gained -strength by pursuing it; and I feel with pleasure, the hopes of a -gallant and happy race of men, likely to continue in this house. But -let not so wise a measure be partially pursued; let not one part of -your race be doomed to baseness and servility, whilst the other is -formed to elevation and honour. One rotten member is sometimes found to -spread corruption over the whole, and a lurking humour in one corner, -to destroy the soundest constitution.</p> - -<p>Your wisest establishments, when confined to a part, may perish for -want of<span class="pagenum" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</span> that emulation, which, when all are equally engaged, must -kindle the ardor and spirits of generous minds. And the implements of -slavery may one day be brought from that corner, to which you now deny -the privileges of free-men. Into other families we have heard that a -master has come, who turned his dwelling into a jail, where nothing -is heard but the clank of chains, and the crashing of iron bars. He -himself is distinguished by the gloomy depression of his look; the -whip, which he holds in his hand, and the instruments of death which -are carried before him. But where are the ministers of his cruel -purpose to be found? They are purchased with gold in those obscure -corners of<span class="pagenum" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</span> his neighbourhood, where every man that is born is a slave.</p> - -<p>It has been the practice of other families to condemn a particular race -to servile purposes. Their names were never reckoned in the list of the -family, their numbers never estimated as any part of their strength. -For they were such as by their crimes deserved no better treatment; or -by the baseness and servility of their minds, had naturally sunk into -this station. But never did the father of a family, by any supercilious -neglect or act of violence, throw down the offspring of his own blood, -into a state of such deplorable inequality.</p> - - -<p class="center big p4"><i>FINIS.</i></p> - - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter transnote"> -<h2 class="nobreak" id="Transcribers_Notes">Transcriber’s Notes</h2> - - -<p>Minor errors in punctuation have been corrected.</p> - -<p><a href="#Page_81">Page 81</a>: “in the neighbourhod” changed to “in the neighborhood”</p> - -<p><a href="#Page_126">Page 126</a>: “more surprizng” changed to “more surprizing”</p> - -<p><a href="#Page_165">Page 165</a>: “learned manl” changed to “learned man”</p> -</div> -<div style='display:block; margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HISTORY OF THE PROCEEDINGS IN THE CASE OF MARGARET, COMMONLY CALLED PEG, ONLY LAWFUL SISTER TO JOHN BULL, ESQ. ***</div> -<div style='text-align:left'> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will -be renamed. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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