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+Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 2, April 9, 1870, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 2, April 9, 1870
+
+Author: Various
+
+Posting Date: January 18, 2013 [EBook #9481]
+Release Date: December, 2005
+First Posted: October 4, 2003
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, APRIL 9, 1870 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Marvin
+A. Hodges and the Online Distributed Proofreaders
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+"The Printing House of the United States,"
+
+GEO. F. NESBITT & CO.,
+
+General JOB PRINTERS,
+BLANK BOOK Manufacturers,
+STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail,
+LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers,
+COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers,
+CARD Manufacturers,
+ENVELOPE Manufacturers,
+FINE CUT and COLOR Printers.
+
+163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST.,
+73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New-York.
+
+ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under the immediate
+supervision of the proprietors.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WALTHAM WATCHES.
+
+3-4 PLATE.
+
+_16 and 30 Sizes._
+
+To the manufacture of these fine Watches the Company have devoted all the
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+for fineness and beauty, no less than for the greater excellences of
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+watches are unsurpassed anywhere.
+
+In this country the manufacture of this fine grade of Watches is not even
+attempted except at Waltham.
+
+FOR SALE BY ALL LEADING JEWELLERS.
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+       *       *       *       *       *
+
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+
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+
+
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+that patients can digest, owing to the objectionable mode of procuring and
+preparing the livers....Moller, of Christiana, Norway, prepares an oil
+which is perfectly pure, and in every respect all that can be wished."--
+DR. L. A. SAYRE, before Academy of Medicine. See _Medical Record_,
+December, 1869, p. 447.
+
+
+SOLD BY DRUGGISTS,
+
+
+W. H. SCHIEFFELIN & CO.,
+
+
+Sole Agents for the United States and Canada.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Vol. 1. No. 2.]
+
+PUNCHINELLO
+
+
+SATURDAY, APRIL 9, 1870.
+
+
+PUBLISHED BY THE
+
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,
+
+
+83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCHINELLO April 9, 1870
+
+APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN
+
+"PUNCHINELLO"
+
+Should be addressed to
+
+J. NICKINSON,
+
+Room No. 4,
+
+83 NASSAU STREET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE "BREWSTER WAGON,"
+
+The Standard for Style and Quality.
+
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+
+of Broome Street.
+
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+
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+
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+
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+
+29 LIBERTY STREET,
+
+New-York,
+
+MANUFACTURERS OF THE
+
+_Finest Cigars made in the United States._
+
+All sizes and styles. Prices very moderate. Samples sent to
+any responsible house. Also importers of the
+
+_"FUSBOS" BRAND,_
+
+Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and for ten
+ to twenty per cent cheaper.
+
+Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money by
+calling at
+
+29 LIBERTY STREET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
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+
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+
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+
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+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
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+
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+
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+
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+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+With a large and varied experience in the management and publication of a
+paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the still more positive
+advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the undertaking, the
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING C0.
+
+OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK
+
+Presents to the public for approval, the
+
+NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL
+
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+
+PUNCHINELLO,
+
+The first number of which will be Issued under date of April 2, 1870, and
+thereafter weekly.
+
+PUNCHINELLO will be _National_, and not _local_; and will
+endeavour to become a household word in all parts of the country; and to
+that end has secured a
+
+VALUABLE CORPS OF CONTRIBUTORS
+
+in various sections of the Union, while its columns will always be open to
+appropriate first-class literary and artistic talent.
+
+PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous and witty, without
+vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It will be printed on a superior
+tinted paper of sixteen pages, size 13 by 9, and will be for sale by all
+respectable newsdealers who have the judgment to know a good thing when
+they see it, or by subscription from this office.
+
+The Artistic department will be in charge of Henry L. Stephens, whose
+celebrated cartoons in VANITY FAIR placed him in the front rank of humorous
+artists, assisted by leading artists in their respective specialties.
+
+The management of the paper will be in the hands of WILLIAM A. STEPHENS,
+with whom is associated CHARLES DAWSON SHANLY, both of whom were identified
+with VANITY FAIR.
+
+ORIGINAL ARTICLES,
+
+Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive ideas or
+sketches for Illustrations, upon the topics of the day, are always
+acceptable, and will be paid for liberally.
+
+Rejected communications can not be returned, unless postage stamps are
+inclosed.
+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+price, $2.50, for..................... 5.50
+
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+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to
+
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+
+No. 83 Nassau Street,
+
+NEW-YORK,
+
+P.O. Box 2783.
+
+(_For terms to Clubs, see 16th page._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mercantile Library
+
+Clinton Hall, Astor Place
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+This is now the largest circulating Library In America, the number of
+volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 volumes are added each
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+
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+
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+
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+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE UMBRELLA. A VIEW OF THE SHADY SIDE OF LIFE.
+
+A ripe pippin falling upon the head of Sir ISAAC NEWTON (a clear case of
+hard cider on the brain) suggested the laws of gravitation. An elderly
+countryman passing my window this clear bright day, attended by his
+faithful umbrella, suggested the following reflections.
+
+The term Umbrella comes from the Latin _umbra_, a shade--the whole
+signifying "keep shady."
+
+This definition well describes the nature of the article; for, as it
+undoubtedly "keeps shady" in fine weather when the sun is fervent, so it is
+apt to "keep shady" in rainy weather, when most wanted.
+
+It is as difficult to say when the umbrella came, or where it came from, as
+it is to tell where it goes to. Rumor hath it, however, that it came in
+(that is, out of the rain) with NOAH. The story (as given us by an
+antiquarian relative) says that when the Ark was built the camelopard was
+forgotten, and it was found necessary to cut a hole in the roof to
+accommodate the animal's neck. This done, SHEM sat upon the roof and held
+an umbrella. SHEM thus _raised_ the umbrella. Then our further
+question follows, Where did he raise it? Evidently he raised the umbrella
+on the Ark.
+
+These theories seem to us to be entitled to serious consideration; and
+certainly it is a reasonable belief that, as the present suffering from the
+high price of clothing is due to the sin of our first parents, so the
+umbrella is the curse entailed by royalty, coming in with the First Reign
+spoken of in history.
+
+The umbrella appears again in ancient time in connection with DANIEL, who,
+it is said, carried one into the lions' den. The authority for this is a
+historical painting that has fallen into the hands of an itinerant showman.
+A curious fact is stated with reference to this picture, namely, that
+DANIEL so closely resembled the lions in personal appearance that it was
+necessary for the showman to state that "DANIEL might easily be
+distinguished from the lions on account of the blue cotton umbrella under
+his right arm."
+
+For what purpose this umbrella may have been carried we can only surmise.
+
+The most probable theory is, that it was to be used there to intimidate the
+lions, as it has since been used toward mad bulls and other ferocious
+beasts.
+
+We have now taken hold pretty firmly of what may be called the handle of
+the umbrella. We have learned that, as ADAM raised CAIN, NOAH raised the
+umbrella, and DANIEL carried one.
+
+We have learned further that the umbrella carried by DANIEL was a blue
+cotton umbrella--undoubtedly the most primitive type of the umbrella.
+
+It is one of this class that your country friend brings down with him, that
+darkeneth the heavens as with a canopy and maketh you ashamed of your
+company. It is such an umbrella as this that is to be found or might have
+been found, in ancient days, in every old farm-house--one that covered the
+whole household when it went to church, occupying as much room when closed
+as would the tent of an Arab.
+
+We have heard it said that it was the impossibility of two umbrellas of
+this nature passing each other on a narrow road which led to the invention
+of covered wagons.
+
+There is nothing lovely about a blue cotton umbrella, though there may have
+been _under_ it at times and seasons. Skeletons of the species, much
+faded as to color, much weakened as to whalebone, may still be found here
+and there in backwoods settlements, where they are known as "umbrells;"
+there are but few perfect specimens in existence.
+
+The present style of the umbrella is varied, and sometimes elegant. The
+cover is of silk; the ribs are of steel oftener than of bone, and the
+handle is wrought into divers quaint and beautiful shapes. The most common
+kind is the _hooked umbrella_. Most people have hooked umbrellas--or,
+if this statement be offensive to any one, we will say that most people
+have had umbrellas hooked. The chance resemblance of this expression to one
+signifying to obstruct illegally that which properly belongs to another,
+reminds us to speak of the singular fact that the umbrella is not property.
+This is important. It rests on judicial decision, and becomes more
+important when we remember that by similar decision the negro is property,
+and that, therefore, until emancipation, the umbrella was superior to the
+negro. The judicial decision cited will be found reported in _Vanity
+Fair_, liber 3, page 265, and was on this wise: A man being arraigned
+for stealing an umbrella, pleaded that it rained at the time, and he had no
+umbrella. On these grounds he was discharged, and the judge took the
+umbrella. (We may notice here how closely this decision has been followed,
+even down to modern times, and touching other matters than umbrellas.)
+
+This established the fact that the umbrella was not property that could be
+bought, sold, and stolen, but a free gift of the manufacturer to universal
+creation. The right of ownership in umbrellas ranked henceforward with our
+right to own the American continent, being merely a right by discovery.
+
+(TO BE CONTINUED.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+Depressing for Chicago.
+
+
+The Chicago press has given up all hopes of the PRINCE OF WALES since he
+has proved his innocence in regard to Lady MORDAUNT. Chicago had begun to
+look upon him with mildly patronizing favor, when he was accused of a share
+in a really first-class divorce case; but now that his innocence is
+established, there is no longer any extenuating circumstance which can
+induce Chicago to overlook the infamous crime of his royal birth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Latest from the Isthmus of Suez.
+
+
+Of all men, the followers of MOHAMMED are the most candid; since no matter
+of what you accuse them, they always acknowledge the Koran.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Right and Left.
+
+Because the P.& O. Directors have suspended their EYRE, we are not called
+upon to suspend our anger. We decline to believe that he can justify
+himself in leaving the Oneida, however blameless he may have been in the
+matter of the collision. Because the Oneida was Left it does not follow
+that the Bombay was Right.
+
+[ILLUSTRATION:_Mr. Pugsby_. "I THINK, MY DEAR, WE'VE GIVEN HIM
+LAUDANUM ENOUGH. SUPPOSE WE TRY A LITTLE STRYCHNINE?"
+
+_Mrs. Pugsby_. "BUT MIGHTN'T THAT HURT HIM?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Mr. BOUCICAULT might properly be called the author of the elementary Drama.
+Not because his plays, like elementary lessons in French, are peculiarly
+aggravating to the well-regulated mind, but because of his fondness for
+employing one of the elements of nature--fire, water, or golden hair--in
+the production of the sensation which invariably takes place in the fourth
+or fifth act of each of his popular dramas. In the _Streets of
+New-York_, he made a hit by firing a building at the spectacularly
+disposed audience. In _Formosa_, he gave us a boat-race; and in
+_Lost at Sea_, now running at WALLACK'S, he has renewed his former
+fondness for playing with fire. The following condensed version of this
+play is offered to the readers of PUNCHINELLO, with the assurance that,
+though it may be a little more coherent than the unabridged edition, it is
+a faithful picture of the sort of thing that Mr. BOUCICAULT, aided and
+abetted by Mr. WALLACK, thinks proper to offer to the public.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LOST AT SEA.
+
+
+ACT I. _Scene_ 1. _Enter Virtuous Banker_. "I have embezzled
+WALTER CORAM'S money, and he is coming from India to claim it. I am a
+ruined man."
+
+_Enter Unprincipled Clerk_. "Not so. WALTER CORAM is lost at sea, and
+we will keep the money."
+
+_Virtuous Banker_. "Thank heaven! I am not found out, and can remain
+an honest man as usual."
+
+_Scene_ 2. _Enter Comic Villain_. "I am just released from prison
+and must soon meet my wife." (_Swears and smashes in his hat_.)
+
+_Enter Unprincipled Clerk_. "Not so. WALTER, CORAM is lost at sea.
+Personate him, draw his money, and share it with me."
+
+_Comic Villain_. "I will." (_Swears and smashes in his hat_.)
+
+_Scene_ 3. _Enter Miss Effie Germon_. (Aside.) "I am supposed to
+be a virtuous and vagabond boy. I hate to show my ankles in ragged
+trowsers, but I must." (_Shows them. Applause_)
+
+_Enter Daughter of Comic Villain_. "I love the unprincipled clerk; but
+there is a sick stranger up-stairs who pokes the fire in a way that I can
+hardly resist. Be firm, my heart. Shall I be untrue to my own unprincipled
+-----"
+
+_Enter Unprincipled Clerk_. "Not so. WALTER CORAM is lost at sea, and
+I must leave these valuable boxes in your hands for safe-keeping."
+(_Leaves the boxes, and then leaves himself_.)
+
+_Enter Sick Stranger_. "I am WALTER CORAM. Those are my boxes.
+Somebody is personating me. Big thing on somebody. Let him go ahead."
+(_Curtain_.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Young Lady in the Audience_. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON perfectly lovely?"
+
+_Accompanying Bostonian Youth_. "Yes; but you should see RISTORI in
+_Marie Antoinette_. There is a sweetness and light about the great
+tragedienne which -----"
+
+_Heavy old Party, to contiguous Young Man_. "Don't think much of this;
+do you? Now, in TOM PLACIDS's day----" _Contiguous and aggrieved Young
+Man pleads an engagement and hastily goes out_.
+
+ACT II. _Scene_ 1. _Virtuous Banker's Villa, Comic Villain,
+Unprincipled Clerk, and Wealthy Heroine dining with the Banker_.
+
+_Enter Original Coram_. "I am WALTER CORAM; but I can't prove it, the
+villains having stolen my bootjack."
+
+_Enter Comic Villain, who smashes in his hat, and swears_.
+
+_Original Coram. (Approaching him_.) "This is WALTER CORAM, I believe?
+I knew you in India. We boarded together. Don't you remember old FUTTYGHUR
+ALLAHABAD, and the rest of our set?"
+
+_Comic Villain, in great mental torture_. "Certainly; of course: I
+said so at the time." (_Swears and smashes in his hat_.) (_Exeunt
+omnes, in search of Virtuous Banker_.)
+
+_Scene_ 2. _Enter Miss Effie Germon, by climbing over the wall_.
+"I hate to climb over the wall and show my ankles in these nasty trowsers,
+but I must." (_Shows them. Applause_.)
+
+_Enter Daughter of Comic Villain_. "Great Heavings! What do I see? My
+beloved clerk offering himself to the wealthy heroine? I must faint!"
+(_Faints_.)
+
+_Enter aristocratic lover of wealthy heroine, and catches the faintress
+in his arms. Wealthy heroine catches him in the act. Tableau of virtuous
+indignation_. (_Curtain_)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Young Lady before-named_. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON perfectly sweet?"
+
+_Bostonian Youth_. "Yes; but RISTORI----"
+
+_Mighty Young Men_. "Let's go out for drinks."
+
+
+ACT III. _Scene_ 1. _Enter Daughter of Comic Villain_. "My clerk
+is false, and I don't care a straw for him. Consequently, I will drown
+myself."
+
+_Enter Original Coram_. "I am WALTER CORAM; but I can't prove it, the
+villains having stolen my Calcutta latch-key. Better not drown yourself, my
+dear. You'll find it beastly wet. Don't do it." (_She doesn't do it_.)
+(_Curtain_.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Young Lady before-named_. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON perfectly beautiful?"
+
+_Bostonian Youth_. "Yes. But at her age RISTORI----"
+
+_Heavy old Party murmurs in his sleep of ELLEN TREE. More young men go
+out to get drinks_.
+
+
+ACT IV. _Scene_ 1. _Enter Virtuous Banker_. "All is lost. There
+is a run on the bank -----"
+
+_Enter Unprincipled Clerk_. "WALTER CORAM presents check for �7 4 S.
+We have no funds. Shall we pay it?"
+
+_Enter Original Coram_. (_Aside_.) "I am WALTER CORAM; but I
+can't prove it, the villains having taken my other handkerchief. (_To the
+Banker_.) Sir, you once gave me a penny, and you have since embezzled my
+fortune. How can I repay such noble conduct? Here is a bag of gold. Take it
+and pay your creditors."
+
+_Scene_ 2. _Enter Unprincipled Clerk and Comic Villain_.
+
+_Unprincipled Clerk_. "The original CORAM has turned up. We must turn
+him down again. I will burn him in his bed to-night."
+
+_Comic Villain_. "Burn him; but don't attempt any violence." (_Swears
+and smashes in his hat_.)
+
+_Scene_ 4. _Enter Original Coram_. "I am WALTER COHAM; but I
+can't prove it--I forget precisely why. What is this in my coffee? Opium!
+It is, by SIVA, VISHNU, and others! They would fain drug my drink. Ha! Ha!
+I have drank, eaten, smoked, chewed, and snuffed opium for ninety years. I
+like it. So did my parents. I am, so to speak, the child of poppy. Ha! What
+do I see? Flames twenty feet high all around me! Can this be fire? The
+wretches mean to burn me alive! (_Aside_--And they'll do it too, some
+night, if Moss don't keep a sharp look-out after those lazy carpenters.)"
+
+_Enter Miss Effie German_. (_Aside_.) "I must get on the roof and
+drag CORAM out. I hate to do it; for I shall have to show my ankles in
+these horrid trowsers. But I suppose I must." (_Gets on the roof with
+Comic Villain's Daughter, shows ankles, lifts up roof and saves Coram, amid
+whirlwinds of applause and smoke.--Curtain_)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Young Lady before-named_. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON _too_ lovely?"
+
+_Bostonian Youth_. "Yes. RISTORI is, however -----"
+
+_Heavy old Party_. "This fire business is dangerous, sir. Never saw it
+done at the old Park. EDMUND KEAN would -----"
+
+ACT V. _Enter Original Coram_. "I am WALTER CORAM. I can now prove it
+by simply mentioning the fact. I love the daughter of the Comic Villain,
+and will marry her."
+
+_Unprincipled Clerk_. "All is lost except WALTER CORAM, who ought to
+be. I will go to Australia, at once." (_He goes_.)
+
+_Comic Villain_, (_smashes his hat over his eyes and swears_).
+
+_Virtuous Banker_. "Bless you, my children. I forgive you all the
+injuries I have done you." (_Curtain_.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Every body in the audience_. "How do you like--Real fire; STODDAHT'S
+faces are--Real fire; EFFIE GERMON is--Real fire; Come and take--Real fire;
+JIM WALLACK is always at home in--Real fire; There is nothing in the play
+but--Real fire."
+
+_Misanthropic Critic, to gentlemanly Treasurer_. "Can I have two seats
+for to-morrow night?"
+
+_Treasurer_. "All sold, sir. Play draws better than _Ours_!"
+
+_Misanthropic Critic_. Well! no matter. I only wanted to send my
+mother-in-law, knowing that the house must take fire some night. However,
+I'll read the play to her instead; if she survives that, she isn't mortal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Suggestion kindly made to Manager Moss_.--Have the fire scene take
+place in the first act, and let all the _dramatis personae_ perish in
+the flames. Thus shall the audience be spared the vulgar profanity of
+STODDART'S "Comic Villain," the absurdity of WALLACK'S "Coram," the twaddle
+of HIELD'S "Virtuous Banker," and the impossible imbecility of FISHER'S
+"Unprincipled Clerk." Miss GERMON in trowsers, and Miss HENRIQUES in tears,
+are very nice; but they do not quite redeem the wretchedness of the play.
+The sooner Mr. Moss gives up his present flame and returns to his early
+love--legitimate comedy--the better.
+
+MATADOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO BEHAVE AT A THEATRE.
+
+
+MR. PUNCHINELLO: I take it you are willing to receive useful information.
+Of course you are--Why? Because, while you may be humorous, you intend also
+to be sensible. I have in my day been to the theatre not a little. I have
+seen many plays and many audiences. I know--or, at least, think I do--what
+is good acting, and--what good manners. Suffer me, then, briefly to give
+you a few hints as to how an audience should behave. I shall charge nothing
+for the information, though I am frank to insinuate that it is worth a
+deal--of the value, perhaps, of a great deal table.
+
+First. Always take a lady with you to the play. It will please her,
+whatever the bother to you. Besides, you will then be talked to. If you
+make a mess of it in trying to unravel the plot, she will essentially aid
+you in that direction. Nothing like a woman for a plot--especially if you
+desire to plunge head foremost into one.
+
+Second. If you have any loud conversation to indulge in, do it while the
+play is going on. Possibly it may disturb your neighbors; but you do not
+ask them to hear it. Hail Columbia! isn't this a free country? If you have
+any private and confidential affairs to talk over, the theatre is the place
+in which to do it. Possibly strangers may not comprehend all the bearings;
+but that is not your fault. You do your best--who can do better?
+
+Third. If you have an overcoat or any other garment, throw it across the
+adjoining or front seat. Never mind any protests of frown or word. Should
+not people be willing to accommodate? Of course they should. Prove it by
+putting your dripping umbrella against the lady with the nice moire antique
+silk. It may ruffle her temper; but that's her business, not yours; she
+shouldn't be ridiculous because well dressed.
+
+Fourth. Try and drop your opera-glass half a dozen times of an evening. If
+it makes a great racket--as of course it will--and rolls a score of seats
+off, hasten at once to obtain possession of the frisky instrument. Let
+these little episodes be done at a crisis in the play where the finest
+points are being evolved.
+
+Fifth. Of course you carry a cane--a very ponderous cane. What for? To use
+it, obviously. Contrive to do so when every body is silent. What's the use
+in being demonstrative in a crowd? It don't pay. Besides, you dog, you know
+your _forte_ is in being odd. Odd fellow-you. See it in your
+brain--only half of one. Make a point to bring down your cane when there is
+none, (point, not cane,) and shout out "Good!" or "Bravo!" when you have
+reason to believe other people are going to be quiet.
+
+Sixth. Never go in till after a play begins, and invariably leave in the
+middle of an act, and in the most engaging scene.
+
+These are but a few hints. However, I trust they are good as far as they
+go. I may send you a half-dozen more. In the mean time I remain
+
+Yours, truly,
+
+O. FOGY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+PROSPECTUS,
+
+
+It shall be our highest ambition to realize our own wishes and to fulfil
+our own predictions.
+
+Our principles are moral to--the last degree.
+
+Our politics defy competition; and it shall be our constant endeavor to
+make them more so.
+
+Our literary and scientific articles are our own, and consequently above
+criticism.
+
+OUR ILLUSTRATIONS
+
+Will include drawings on wood by our most
+
+PROMISING YOUNG ARTISTS.
+
+Besides the usual agricultural, shipping, and market reports, we shall
+publish
+
+THE BEST BON MOTS OF THE PULPIT.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Soon to appear in our columns,
+
+A SERIAL, ENTITLED, "IMPRESSIONS OF MODERN TRAVEL."
+
+Also,
+
+ILLUSTRATIONS OF ART-ANATOMY;
+
+Exclusively for beginners.
+
+Together with
+
+"RESEARCHES IN THE POCKETS OF OUR SUBSCRIBERS;"
+
+With appropriate-(ing) views.
+
+[Illustration: (_Faithful Preceptress_) "Now you know where the
+gluteal muscle is?"]
+
+
+In order to insure the widest possible influence, and consequently
+usefulness, we are prepared to offer the most
+
+LIBERAL TERMS.
+
+Any one sending us full subscription price, and ten dollars additional,
+will be entitled to
+
+ONE OF OUR AUTOGRAPH ESSAYS.
+
+Any one sending us the names of thirty new subscribers will receive by
+mail, post-paid,
+
+OUR PHOTOGRAPH;
+
+Or, if preferred, Luther's wedding-ring and mug; or, our own wedding-ring,
+with the mugs of our wife and children.
+
+For _Club Rates_, refer to a Justice of the Peace.
+_Answer to Correspondents_: Sketch not available.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+V. H. to Punchinello.
+
+The following letter, received by the French cable, explains itself. After
+the perusal of it, America warms toward France:
+
+HAUTEVILLE PARK, March 25,1870.
+
+To THE EDITOR OF THE PUNCHINELLO:
+
+MONSIEUR: The advance copy of your journal has stormed my heart. I owe it
+one happy day.
+
+Europe trembles. They light their torches sinister, those trans-alpine
+vacillationists. The church, already less tranquil, dis-segregates itself.
+We laugh.
+
+To your journal there is a future, and there will be a past.
+
+The age has its pulsations, and it never forgets.
+
+I, too, remember.
+
+There is also blood. Upon it already glitters the dust of glory.
+
+Monsieur! I salute you and your _confreres_!
+
+Accept my homage and my emotion.
+
+VICTOR HUGO.
+
+
+
+
+THE HABITS OF GREAT MEN.
+
+
+  "Lives of great men all remind us
+  We can make our lives sublime,
+  And, departing, leave behind us
+  Footprints on the sands of time."
+
+
+Almost since the world began, people have been interested in and
+entertained by gossip respecting the personal habits and individual
+idiosyncrasies of popular writers and orators. It is a universal and
+undying characteristic of human nature. No age has been exempt from it from
+PLINY'S time down to BEECHER'S. It may suitably be called the scarlet-fever
+of curiosity, and rash indeed must be the writer who refuses or neglects to
+furnish any food for the scandal-monger's maw. While we deprecate in the
+strongest terms the custom which persists in lifting the veil of
+personality from the forehead of the great, respect for traditional usages
+and obligation to the present, as well as veneration for the future, impels
+us to reveal some things that are not generally known concerning the men
+who are playing "leading business" on the world's great stage of to-day.
+
+For instance, mankind is generally ignorant of the fact that Mr. SUMNER
+bathes twice a day in a compound, two thirds of which is water and one
+third milk, and that he dictates most of his speeches to a stenographer
+while reclining in the bath-tub. WENDELL PHILLIPS is said to have written
+the greater portion of his famous lecture on "The Lost Arts" on the backs
+of old envelopes while waiting for a train in the Boston depot. Mr. GEORGE
+W. CURTIS prepares his mind for writing by sleeping with his head encased
+in a nightcap lined with leaves of lavender and rose. GRANT, it is said,
+accomplishes most of his writing while under the influence of either opium
+or chloroform, which will account for the soothing character of his state
+papers. WALT WHITMAN writes most of his poetry in the dissecting-room of
+the Medical College, where he has a desk fitted up in close proximity to
+the operating table. Mr. DANA is said to write most of his editorials in
+one of the parlors of the Manhattan Club, arrayed in black broadcloth from
+the sole of his head to the crown of his foot, his hands encased in corn-
+colored kids, a piece of chewing-gum in his mouth, and a bottle of Cherry
+Pectoral by his side. The report that he eats fish every morning for his
+breakfast is untrue: he rejects FISH. COLFAX writes all his speeches and
+lectures with his feet in hot water, and his head wrapped in a moist towel.
+His greatest vice, next to being Vice-President, is to insist upon having
+his writing desk in front of a mirror. BUTLER accomplishes most of his
+literary labor over a dish of soup, which he absorbs through the medium of
+two of his favorite weapons, thus keeping both his hands employed, and
+dictating to an amanuensis every time his mouth enjoys a vacation. BEECHER
+has several methods by which he prepares his mind to write a sermon: By
+riding up and down Broadway on the top of a stage; visiting the Academy of
+Anatomy, or spending a few hours at the Bloomingdale Retreat. Neither
+HOLMES nor WHITTIER are able to write a line of poetry until they are
+brought in contact with the blood of freshly-slain animals; while, on the
+other hand, LONGFELLOW'S only dissipation previous to poetic effort, is a
+dish of baked beans. FORNEY vexes his gigantic intellect with iced water
+and tobacco, (of the latter, "two papers, both daily.") Mr. TILTON composes
+as he reposes in his night-dress, with his hair powdered and "a strawberry
+mark upon his left arm." Mr. PARTON writes with his toes, his hands being
+employed meanwhile knitting hoods for the destitute children of Alaska. Mr.
+P. is a philanthropist. BAYARD TAYLOR writes only in his sleep or while in
+a trance state--notwithstanding the fact that he lives in the State of
+Pennsylvania. He will then dictate enough to require the services of three
+or four stenographers, and in the morning is ready to attend to the
+laborious and exacting duties attached to the position of stockholder in
+the New-York _Tribune_. Mr. GREELEY conceives some of his most
+brilliant editorial articles while churning the mercurial milk of the
+Chappaqua farm into butter; or vexing the gracious grain with the flying
+flail; or listening to the pensive murmurings of the plaintive pigs, and
+the whispered cadences of the kindly cattle. RICHARD GRANT WHITE can't
+write, it is said, until a towel moistened with Cologne water is applied to
+his nostrils. Sometimes, however, he varies the monotony of this method by
+riding several miles in a Third Avenue car, which produces a similar
+effect. OAKEY HALL writes his best things while riding on horseback in
+Central Park; his saddle being arranged with a writing-desk accompaniment;
+and while OAKEY dashes off the sentences, his horse furnishes the Stops.
+And just here we propose to stop furnishing further revelations concerning
+the men whose deeds have made their names famous in current national and
+local history.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GOSSIP IN A SCHOOL-HOUSE.
+
+_Teacher_. "WELL, MINNIE, HAVE YOU ANY THING NEW AT HOME?"
+
+_Interesting Scholar_. "OH! YES; WE'VE SMALL-POX, AND 'LAPSING FEVER,
+AN MEASLES, AND WHOOPING-COUGH."
+
+(_Tableau expressive of consternation_.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Taking the Cue.
+
+
+There is a strong disposition among those of our diplomats who may be able
+to talk a little "pigeon English," to obtain the Chinese position left
+vacant by Mr. BURLINGAME. Most of these gentlemen can point the Moral of
+the matter--the sixty thousand dollars a year--but whether any of them
+would adorn the Tail, is quite another affair.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Questions for H.G.
+
+
+Is not the _Tribune_ influenced by its negrophilism in denouncing
+PIERRE BONAPARTE as an assassin? Had the victim been a BLANC instead of a
+NOIR, would Mr. GREELEY have felt quite as much sympathy for him?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+APROPOS OF THE "ONEIDA."--The windiest excuses of the day are those of
+EYRE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+ARRAH WHAT DOES HE MANE AT ALL?
+
+
+_Scene. The White House_.
+
+ULYSSES ASLEEP. CUBA, ROONEY, AND FISH OUTSIDE ON THE LOBBY.
+
+ROONEY _Loquitur_.
+
+  ULYSSES asthore! Good lord, don't he snore!
+    ULYSSES! ULYSSES, my boy!
+  There's company here, must see you, me dear,
+    In spite of this Spanish kill-joy.
+  This Minister FISH, who, had he his wish,
+    Wud put your ould ROONEY down-stairs.
+  Ay, faith if he dar, but betther by far
+    The sinner was sayin' his pray'rs.
+      Arrah what does he mane at all?
+
+  Now, ULICK S. GRANT, it's your own self I want,
+    To patiently listen, mavrone,
+  To what I've to say, in a fatherly way,
+    As if you wor child ov my own.
+  For shure is it time, in prose or in rhyme,
+    That somebody spoke up, who dar'.
+  ULYSSES awake! for Liberty's sake,
+    It's braykin our hearts you are.
+      Arrah what do you mane at all?
+
+  Och, wirrasthrue vo! it's bitther to know
+    The work that goes an in your name;
+  The murdher an' ruin, that others are doin'
+    Whilst you have to showlder the shame!
+  The grief that is ours, whin you, by the Pow'rs,
+    Seem traytin it all like a joke,
+  Like NAYRO, the thief, whin Room was in grief,
+    That fiddled away in the smoke!
+      Arrah what do you mane at all?
+
+  Och, wake up, ochone! Your innimies groan
+    The words that cut deep as a sword:
+  "He's greedy for goold, an by its slaves rooled
+    ULYSSES is false to his word.
+  See poor Cuba there, all tatthered and bare;
+    For months at his doore she has stud;
+  Not a word he replies to her sobs or her sighs,
+    Nor cares for her tears or her blood!
+      Arrah what does he mane at all?"
+
+  Musha, what's that you say? "Sind the ould fool away."
+    I'm disturbin' your rest wid my prate;
+  There's Minister FISH, to consult if I wish,
+    Who attinds to all matthers of state.
+  An' Cuba, she too, wid her hulabaloo,
+    May just as well bundle an' go;
+  You won't hear us now, wid our murtherin row,
+    You'll sleep it out whether or no!
+      Arrah what do we mane at all?
+
+  Ah! then, by my sowl, this thratemint is foul--
+    To put your best frinds to the blush;
+  An' wor you sinsare, in what you sed there
+    We'd tie up your whistle, my thrush!
+  But ULICK, machree, you can't desave me,
+    By sayin' the word you don't mane;
+  Or make her beleeve who stands at me sleeve,
+    In FISH an' his Castles in Spane.
+      Arrah what do you mane at all?
+
+  'Tis late in the day to talk in that way;
+    We've had ministhers dishes galore,
+  An' laste to my taste, at the blundherin faste,
+    The sauce ov that fish one, asthore.
+  No, ULICK, alan! the work that's in han'
+    Must be done by yourself, if at all.
+  Your cooks, by my troth, are burnin' the broth,
+    We smell it out here in the hall!
+      Arrah what do you mane at all?
+
+  No, ULICK, my boy, rise up to our joy,
+    An' make a clane sweep ov the crowd
+  Of tinkerin tools, an' blundherin fools,
+    That put your wits undher a cloud.
+  Rise up in your might, an' sthrike for the right!
+    Let England an' Spain hear us talk;
+  Give FISH his conjay, an' ROONEY will stay;
+    You'll then see who's cock ov the walk!
+      Arrah what do you mane at all?
+
+  Lave Britain alone; if she won't pay, mavrone,
+    She's puttin' her head into debt.
+  If I know the books, the way the thing looks,
+    She'll pay us, wid intherest, yet!
+  Ay, faith he did say, so wise in his day--
+    That noble ould Graycian, PHILANDER--
+  That sauce for the goose, if well kept for use,
+    Was just as good sauce for the gandher!
+      Arrah what did he mane at all?
+
+  But Spain, the ould wulf, for her tricks in the Gulf,
+    Her robbery, murdher, and worse,
+  _Her_ debt, she must see, is put down C.O.D.,
+    Wid Cuba relaysed from her curse.
+  Ay, FISH, you may sweat, an' SUMNER may threat,
+    An' burst his crack'd head in the row;
+  The People have spoke, that's fire an' not smoke!
+    An' this must be finished, an' now.
+      Arrah what do you mane at all?
+
+  Och! ULICK, awake, for Liberty's sake!
+    If not for your ROONEY, asthore;
+  The Godiss is here, but thrimbles wid fear
+    Ov the cowld-blooded Thing at the doore.
+  She sez that your name a by-word of shame
+    Will be to the nations onborn,
+  If you lie there anmov'd whilst the flag that you lov'd
+    Is flouted by Spaniards wid scorn.
+      Arrah what do you mane at all?
+
+  She sez, an' wid grief, her love for the chief,
+    That fought neath her bannir so long,
+  Will turn into hate, that will cling to the fate
+    Ov him who now sides wid the wrong.
+  She sez ov all woes that misery knows,
+    The grief ov the wronger's the worst
+  Who houlds back his ban' from a sufferin' lan'
+    An' laves her to tyrants accurs'd!
+      Arrah what do you mane at all?
+
+  Ah! _that_ stirs your blood; I thought that it wud.
+    Your rizin', me bouchal; it's done!
+  Go on wid your pray'rs! I'm kickin' down-stairs
+    This ould Spanish mack'rel, for fun.
+  Sweet Liberty here, and Cuba, my dear!
+    You'll stay for the bite an' the sup?
+  An' pardon my joy; since I've woke up the boy
+    I don't know what ind ov me's up!
+      Arrah what did he mane at all?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Travellers' Tales.
+
+
+No one now believes that DR. LIVINGSTONE was burnt for sorcery. The
+originator of the report could have made a more plausible story by
+asserting that LIVINGSTONE refused to marry the daughter of an African
+chief, and was consequently put to death. This would have been strictly in
+accordance with the customs of the African aristocracy, and would also have
+called forth general admiration for the man who preferred to burn rather
+than to marry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+City Hamlets vs. Rural Ditto.
+
+
+The leading cities of late have grown almost wild with excitement over
+their HAMLETS; but in country localities, the hamlets are marked for
+quietude, and a refreshing freedom from all that is stagey, except,
+perhaps, stage-coaches.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NEW-YORK ANTI-ORANGE-PEEL AND BANANA-SKIN ASSOCIATION,
+AS THEY APPEAR IN THEIR GREAT HUMANITARIAN FEAT OF CLEARING THE
+SIDE-WALKS.]
+
+
+ORANGE-PEEL, ET. CETERA.
+
+
+PUNCHINELLO, ever ready to hail with acclamation all that is for the
+welfare of his fellow-men, is delighted to learn that an
+"Anti-Orange-peel-and-Banana-skin Association" has been organized in the
+city of New-York. The great number of severe accidents annually caused by
+the idiotic custom of casting orange-peel and such other lubricious
+integuments recklessly about the side-walks, has long furnished a topic for
+public animadversion. Some of our leading citizens have taken the matter in
+hand--or, to speak more correctly, on foot. The picture at the top of this
+page gives a life-like representation of the Association referred to,
+engaged in their benevolent work of removing from the side-walk with their
+Boots all such fragments as might tend to the development of Slippers. The
+Association has PUNCHINELLO'S best wishes. The Orange-Outangs who render
+the side-walks dangerous have his worst.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HAMLET FROM A RURAL POINT.
+
+The Great FECHTER as HAMLET has given us another proof of the brilliant
+imagination of Mr. DICKENS. The play is so well known that a synopsis of it
+is unnecessary. Yet a few words on the subject.
+
+An economical mother in high society permits baked meats left from a
+funeral festival to be served at a subsequent entertainment. Her son takes
+umbrage at this; becomes morose and sullen; affects spiritualism and
+private theatricals. This leads to serious family difficulties, culminating
+in a domestic broil of unusual violence. The intellectual aim of the piece
+is to show the extraordinary loquacity of a Danish Prince. The moral
+inculcated by it is, "Spare the rod and spoil the child." It is replete
+with quotations from the best authors, and contains many passages of marked
+ability. Its literary merit is unquestionable, though it lacks the vivacity
+of BOUCICAULT, and possesses no situation of such intense interest as the
+scene in ROSINA MEADOWS where the heroine starts for Boston.
+
+Mr. FECHTER presents HAMLET as a perfect "flaxy;" partly in deference to
+the present popularity of the tint, and partly to show a marked contrast
+with his OTHELLO, which character he always makes up as a male brunette.
+His countenance is of great breadth and flexibility, ranging in its full
+compass from the Placid Babe to the Outraged Congressman. His voice extends
+from B flat _profundo_ to the _ut de poitrine piccolo_. The
+emotional nature of HAMLET gives him opportunity to exhibit both of these
+wonderful organs, and in _tutta forza_ passages, where he forces them
+to their utmost power, the effect is exhilarating.
+
+Mr. FECHTER is polished. He does not hesitate to correct the sometimes rude
+and occasionally offensive remarks of HAMLET. Mr. FECHTER is refined. He
+permits "no maggots in a dead dog." He substitutes "trichinae in
+prospective pork." Fashionable patrons will appreciate this. They cherish
+poodles, particularly post-mortem; they disdain swine. Mr. FECHTER is
+polite. He excludes "the insolence of office," and "the cutpurse of the
+empire and the rule." Collector BAILEY'S "fetch" sits in front. Mr. FECHTER
+is fastidious. He omits the prefatory remarks to "assume a virtue," but
+urges his mother to seek relief in Chicago. Considering her frivolous
+conduct and the acrid colloquy consequent upon the comparison of
+photographs, this is filial as well as affectionate.
+
+Minor actors must, of course, be precluded from liberties with the text;
+but presuming the alterations in question to be the result of a
+consultation with Mr. DICKENS, we must rejoice that SHAKESPEARE is being
+toned to good society. We commend the improved readings to the delicate
+susceptibilities of the community.
+
+Mr. FECHTER is a great genius. Distinguished talent is occasionally needed
+to elevate the national taste. How we have outraged theatrical proprieties
+by applauding WALLACK and BOOTH and DAVENPORT! FORREST, forget us. FECHTER,
+forgive us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Epitaph on a Defunct Boarding-House.
+
+Peace to its Hashes!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Apropos of Small-salaried Husbands, who have Extravagant Wives.
+
+"A little earning is a dangerous thing."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Mormon's Motto
+
+Bring 'em Young.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+[Illustration: OUR EFFICIENT NAVY DEPARTMENT.
+
+_Admiral Porter_. The Queen has taken your Jack. You never
+_could_ protect your Jack, Mr. Secretary.
+
+(And they go on with their little game, never heeding the signal of
+distress from the Oneida.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[blank page]
+
+
+JUMBLES.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Truth to tell, I _don't_ like neighbors. I _do_ like
+civilization. The trouble is, neighbors are not always civilized.
+PUNCHINELLO will be impressed with the fact before becoming a single
+weekling. The first floor may be ever so nice, quiet, well-dressed, proper
+folks--but those dreadful musical people in the attic! I hate musical
+people; that is, when in the chrysalis state of learning. Practice makes
+perfect, indeed; but practice also makes a great deal of noise. Noise is
+another of my constitutional dislikes. If these matters must be divided,
+give me the melody, and whoever else will, may take the noise. The truth
+is, my dear PUNCHINELLO--and I may as well begin calling you what the
+public will do one of these early days--there is nothing like notes. But
+bank-notes are my weakness. My weakness in that direction is, I may
+confidently state, very strong. The ladies are not the only greenbacks that
+are accepted at sight; and acceptable to it. The bank on which I should
+like to dwell--do you not guess it?--is the auriferous National. Those
+musical neighbors-how they do play, though! But, to borrow from Mr. SLANG,
+my queer neighbor opposite, they have about played out. Our gentlemanly
+landlord--all landlords are so very gentlemanly, kind, good, and
+considerate--Mr. GRABB, says it don't pay to keep such tenants.
+
+"Mr. GRABB, pay--pray, why don't it pay?"
+
+"Why, Mr. TODD, why, sir--because _they_ don't pay. D'ye see it, Mr.
+TODD?"
+
+Mr. TODD did see it.
+
+"Music hath charms," and all that fine thing; but it can't evidently charm
+a landlord, as at present constructed, into the faith that the notes of a
+fiddle, a clarionet, a bugle, or a trombone are negotiable at the corner
+grocery, or in Wall and State streets.
+
+Going from bars to banks is a distance. But when I go anywhere, I like to
+have it distant. The enjoyment is invariably greater. It saves my tailors,
+hatters, restaurant keepers, and some others, the expense and trouble of
+too much correspondence. Such isn't good for the brain--especially where it
+is small, and easily overtaxed. "Distance lends enchantment to the view."
+May I ask, is or was distance in the brokerage line that it lent
+enchantment to the view? and what might possibly have been the conditions
+on which the loan was made? The man who leaves his country for its (and
+his) good has an especial fondness for the distant. The further off the
+nearer he feels like home. Australia is an El Dorado--the antipodes a
+celestial region. The intervening sea is one over which the most
+penetrating of argus-eyed policemen or sheriffs, can not see. Australia--is
+it not the land of gold? Who that has poached a pile does not gravitate
+there, as the needle to the pole? Of course, I do not mean the
+sewing-machine needle.
+
+Some people think California greater. I don't. The greatness of a country
+does not in all cases turn on its great rogues. New-York and Washington may
+not assent; but, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, isn't it so? These may give it character,
+but of the sort nobody is anxious to carry in his pocket as a wedge by
+which to enter good, genteel society. "Character," says a leading mind, "is
+every thing." Quite true; and if of the right sort, will take a man
+speedily to the noose. Biddy can get the most stunning of characters at the
+first corner for half a week's wages or--stealings. As a general thing, I
+don't believe in characters, and for the reason that a large portion of my
+acquaintances--I go into society a great deal--do not appear to have a bit
+of the article. They say it is unnecessary; that "society" don't demand it;
+and that to have it is like travelling with baggage which is mere rubbish.
+My elastic but excellent friend JENKINS says the only sense that can be put
+on society market to practical advantage is the uncommon scamp. Common
+sense, so-called, is a drug. Old Mr. MATTEROFACT--who heeds him or his?
+He's always pushed into the corner, or crowded to the back seat. Sensible
+people, the world being judges, are a mistake. They were born and educated
+that way. They don't definitely belong anywhere. Trespassers, interlopers,
+impertinents-why should they be tolerated? Doesn't CONGRESSMAN SURFACE, of
+the Forty-fourth District, rule the roast? Isn't Mrs. SIMPLE the pattern
+Woman of the Swell-Front avenue? Who so charming as Widow MILKWATER? Common
+sense might have done once, but that was when the world was younger and yet
+more old-fashioned. It isn't available now. Rust never shines. Out upon it,
+or let it get out. The best place, I would suggest, is out of town--and in
+the woods. Strangers always make people feel uncomfortable.
+
+Need I hint just now that it is Lent? Lent is suggestive. It suggests some
+of my best books. Books are the best of friends. They are honest. They say
+what they feel, and feel what they say. Like other blessings, too, they
+often take to wings and fly; and it proves to be a fly that never returns.
+A good book is a joy forever. The only sad thing about it is, that it keeps
+lent all the time--not so much piously as profanely. Am I my brother's
+keeper? No. But my brother is quite too often a keeper of mine--of mine own
+choice authors. The best of friends are, of course--like the best of
+steaks--rather rare. Like honest men they count only one in ten
+thousand--an extremely small per cent in a commercial point of view.
+Books--what should we do without them? What may we not do with them, if it
+were not for the season of Lent?
+
+I am something of a politician. My friends do not think I am. But they are
+prejudiced--friends always are. I go, on principle, for the greatest good
+of the greatest number. You know that humble, initial figure. I confess to
+a love of loaves and fishes. A nice French loaf, and a delicious salmon in
+the suburbs of green peas--who wouldn't be a politician about that time? I
+have run for office--and at least half a dozen times. But, bless you, I
+never caught it. Some big, burly, brainless cur of a fellow was always
+ahead of me. Very queer in politics--the less the head the more one gets
+ahead. A head is little or nothing; but face, cheek, assurance--such is
+much; is every thing. What are politics but audacity? what professions of
+public good but pretences for private pap? I like politics. Politics,
+however, don't seem to like me. I call myself a patriot; but, strangely
+enough, or otherwise, I have never been called to fill a patriot's
+office--say for $5000 and upward per year. As for a patriot's grave--it's a
+fine thing, no doubt, but I have never regarded it as my "mission" to fill
+that. It affects one's activity and usefulness, and cuts off going to
+FECHTER BOOTH, _Frou-Frou_, the _Twelve Temptations_, and opera.
+I declined all such honors during the war, and on principle; the principal
+thing being that I had no taste for lead and iron. Iron, I know, is good
+for the blood; but taken in bullets, it lessens instead of increases the
+circulation. These metals are quite too much for a delicate stomach. Shells
+as a drink I like; shells as bombs I do _not_ like. They are
+unhealthy. As a beverage I can surround it several times a day, and bless
+the climate that grows it, and the cask that makes it. But of shells, as of
+company, I prefer to make my choice. I, too, have my choice of office. I am
+strong and can draw well. My _forte_ is drawing salary. That may not
+be the highest form of art, but it is unquestionably artful. Moreover, it
+is the one mankind, if it could, would cultivate with the most assiduity.
+It is the plaster every man would put to his back.
+
+As a politician I believe in myself first, my pocket second, my country
+third. This platform is strong and satisfactory--at least to your friend,
+
+TIMOTHY TODD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ALBANY COCK-ROBINS.
+
+  Who killed the Charter?
+    I, says the _Herald_,
+    With wit _� la_ JERROLD.
+    As Assemblymen I ferruled,
+      And I killed the Charter.
+
+  Who killed the Charter?
+    I, says the _World_,
+    With my blunders hurled
+    And black flag unfurled,
+      And I killed the Charter.
+
+  Who killed the Charter?
+    I, says the _Sun_,
+    With my sensation fun,
+    Or my Sol-ferino gun,
+      And I killed the Charter.
+
+  Who killed the Charter?
+    I, says PUNCHINELLO,
+    With my wit so mellow,
+    I was the very fellow
+      Who killed off the Charter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+THE DWARF DEJECTED.
+
+
+A pathetic recital for the benefit of you, or me, or any other snail who
+may want a tortoise-shell.
+
+In what year, or under what king Bezoman, lived he, no matter. Suffice it
+to know he still survives.
+
+Once he was happy!
+
+Once, whene'er the eventide flooded the earth with effulgent glory, and
+each little star began to wonder who I was, to the loftiest turret of his
+quite commodious castle this dwarf would climb, and muse upon sciology and
+the cosmic forces.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Oh! Life is joy--is peace to me!" would he cry, ever and anon.
+
+And ever an anonymous owl would scream, "To whoo? To whoo?"
+
+Upon one eventful eve he sat upon his turret.
+
+Gazing around, he sprang upon his feet.
+
+"What, ho!" he cried, as a glimmer of light shot across the surface of the
+lake, "What, ho! A light in the ship-house! Tis the red light of danger! I
+forbode."
+
+Glancing around and beneath him, he perceived that the stucco was peeling
+from his favorite turret. "Here is danger, indeed!" he said; and loudly
+shouted for his ah! too dilatory servant to bring the ladder by which he
+ascended and descended his lofty pinnacle. At last the servant came, and he
+was a new and somewhat weighty waiter youth.
+
+"Ah! big lad--!" then said the dwarf.
+
+"I am glad, good sir," replied the boy.
+
+"I would have the big ladder!" cried his master.
+
+"I can't be gladder," said the boy.
+
+The dwarf looked pityingly down upon the youth for several moments.
+
+"Are you a natural-born fool?" said he.
+
+The boy advanced to the edge of the roof, made a bow, placed one arm at
+right angles before him, while the other hung by his side, and thus he sang
+his song:
+
+  "I've never been to public school,
+    My vaccination did not take.
+  Perhaps I will grow up a fool;
+    But that my heart will never break.
+
+  I would not win in learning's race,
+    Nor e'er be rich and lose my looks;
+  I think that a small-pocked face
+    Is worse than e'en small pocket-books.
+  Then, didy fol, la, la, la, la!--"
+
+"Stop!" cried the now enraged dwarf. "Begone! ere I, base boy! shall heave
+the turret down."
+
+"Certainly," replied the youth. "Big, ornary, base boy shall leave thee to
+rot down. Oh! yes; of course, of course!" And away he went.
+
+The Court fool came at last and let his master down.
+
+"Oh! ho!" said he of the motley, as the dwarf came slowly down the ladder.
+"Thou art now the first descendant of thy house."
+
+The dwarf laughed, and fell the rest of the way. "No matter!" he cried,
+rubbing his shins. "My house shall follow me. It shall come down too. I am
+going to have it all built up anew."
+
+"Bravo!" said the clown. "I thought you were too happy."
+
+On the next day the door-bell of the castle rang, and soon a varlet came to
+fast inform my lord the dwarf that in the parlor waited now a giant, and on
+the card he gave his name was written, "S.T. Mate." The dwarf unto his
+parlor quick repaired, and there, upon some dozen chairs the giant sat,
+smiling benign.
+
+"Hail to thee! good Sir Dwarf," spake the mammoth, and rising and folding
+his arms across his breast, he sang, in royal bass, his song:
+
+  "I hear that thou, O neighbor brave!
+    Thy edifice anew would build.
+  I come to much vain labor save.
+    If thou to hear me now art willed."
+
+"Proceed," said the dwarf, seating himself upon a piano-stool, and screwing
+himself up until he was near the ceiling and on a level with the singer's
+head. The giant proceeded:
+
+  "If thou shouldst build thy house thyself,
+    The cost thou surely ne'er would know;
+  But if I take the job, my friend.
+    You'll see where every cent will go."
+
+"I like that," said the dwarf. "Pray sing some more."
+
+  "I'll tell you just what it will cost;
+    And all that you will have to do
+  Will be to travel for a time,
+    Whilst I your castle build anew."
+
+"That's capital!" cried the delighted dwarf. "It would suit me exactly.
+Warble me yet other wood notes wild."
+
+The giant sang on:
+
+  "A castle such as you will want
+    Will cost you eighty pounds--or so.
+  I'll charge you nothing for my time;
+    You'll see where every cent will go."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The dwarf revolved himself rapidly, and quickly reached the floor.
+
+"The concert's over!" he cried, "and here's a check for eighty pounds.
+Proceed! Tear down; construct! I leave tonight for foreign parts. Write me
+when all is done. Adieu."
+
+The interview terminated.
+
+The clown, who had overheard this fair discourse, now left the castle; and
+retiring to a secluded spot, where--a willow drooped sadly o'er the brook,
+he laid him down and died.
+
+The dwarf to foreign parts now hied, and when twelve months had passed, and
+he had had no news of his grand castle, he returned home.
+
+He found the castle finished--all but the roof and walls. The deep cellars,
+with their marble copings just peeping 'neath the heavy mass of weeds that
+clustered to their very edge, were dark and solemn. The sly fox slunk along
+their passages, and grim serpents reared their heads from many a gloomy
+corner.
+
+The dwarf, he gazed in silence!
+
+By heavy sighs his breast was heaven, and black thoughts made his soul like
+Hades!
+
+Anon he mounted in hot haste, and rode unto the giant's castle on the
+distant hills. By sundown, the dwarf he saw on the horizon a great blue
+mass, the sight of which did move his inmost being.
+
+"It is his castle!" quoth he, and he gave his steed free rein.
+
+The interview was terrible!
+
+All the domestics fled and hid themselves in distant dells.
+
+At last the dwarf, exhausted by vituperation, sank upon the flagstones of
+the court-yard. Then folded the giant his arms and sang his song:
+
+  "Oh! hear me now, misguided dwarf,
+    Eight thousand pound more I must ask.
+  Materials, and labor too,
+    All rose since I began my task.
+
+  Among the things we can't divine.
+    Are values of such terms as 'so;'
+  But I've all items entered straight,
+    Where all the money goes you'll know."
+
+The dwarf gave one quick savage glance at the pocket of the giant, S.T.
+MATE, and then, without a word, he proudly crossed the drawbridge.
+
+But he had not long left the castle at his back ere dejection crept upon
+him and never left him more.
+
+The dwarf he did his cellar reach, fainting, almost bereft of speech; and
+as his men he staggered by, with panting breast and haggard eye,
+
+"Minstrel!" he cried, "O laggard! I for deepest depths of Lethe long. Get
+thy guitar and sing a song!"
+
+The minstrel sang:
+
+  "O Estimate!
+  Thy name is great,
+MEDUSA's head thou sure must own.
+  Do as we will,
+  Thy coming still
+Turns all our hard-earned cash to stone."
+
+The dwarf, now sunk in Lethe's mud, did snore; knowing the sign, the
+minstrel then forbore.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ODE TO THE MISSING COLLECTOR.
+
+BY REGALIA REYNA.
+
+
+  Where are _you now_, MR. BAILEY?
+  We've been looking for you daily,
+  Sometimes sadly, sometimes gayly,
+     Ever since the week begun.
+  Loving you so dear as we do,
+  Doting on you, doubting for you,
+  Looking for you, longing for you,
+  Waiting for you, watching for you,
+     Fearing you have cut and run,
+     Ere your heavy task was done
+     In cigars, and snuff, and rum;
+     Spoiling for us lots of fun,
+     And racy items for _The Sun_,
+     In the seizure rows begun,
+     And the heavy raids to come.
+     Think of poor, forsaken KIRBY,
+     Think of honest-scented HARVEY!
+     Your desertion, J. F. BAILEY,
+     "Busts" our glorious Trinity;
+     Robs the law of subtlety,
+     Knocks our look for _moietie_,
+     Knocks that Jersey property!
+     So much whisky all set free:
+     Where is SHIELDS to get his fee?
+  Think of melancholy PUFFER,
+  What the aged CHILDS must suffer!
+  JOSHUA F., the noble buffer,
+     "Lost to sight, to memory dear,"
+  Think of energetic VAIL
+  Looking round to get his bail,
+  While you're riding on a rail,
+  Or on ocean gayly sail
+     For UNCLE BULL'S dominion!
+  How could you thus fly the track
+  With so many stores to "crack,"
+  And COLUMBUS at your back
+  To defy the whiskey pack
+     And popular opinion?
+  Whiskey "fellers" feeling badly,
+  Cigar-sellers smoking madly,
+  Bondsmen looking sorely, sadly,
+     If their signatures are clear,
+     If you will not cost them dear,
+     If in court they must appear
+     Mournfully, in doubt and fear.
+     Oh! you weak, unfeeling cuss,
+     To get them in this shocking muss;
+     How their pocket-books will rue it!
+     J.F.B., how _could_ you do it?
+  Are you putting for the West,
+  Did you take French leave for Brest,
+  Have you feathered well your nest,
+  Do you sweetly take your rest;
+  Say, whom _do_ you like the best--
+     COOK, or JENKS, or FULLERTON?
+  Would you, JOSH, believe it true,
+  At the moment, sir, when you
+  Waited for that verdict blue,
+  O'er the wires the message flew,
+  Paid or franked by BOUTWELL through:
+  "The gig is up; the cuss won't do.
+  Put the district Thirty-two
+     Under General PLEASANTON."
+  Oh! the vile ingratitude;
+  Of Statesmen in this latitude;
+  Worse than DELANO'S attitude.
+  Say, what is your longitude,
+     East or West from Washington?
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Fox"-y.
+
+FECHTER'S wig in HAMLET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Echoes of the Clubs."
+
+SOUND of the policemen's _batons_ on the sidewalk.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Over and Under.
+
+INDIANA is said to be "going over" her divorce laws. She has certainly gone
+long enough under them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Bullet-in.
+
+THE government has so many bad guns on hand that it deserves to be called,
+"A snapper-up of unconsidered Rifles."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Every Little Helps.
+
+THE British newspapers say that ARTHUR HELPS writes the PRINCE OF WALES'S
+speeches. Now, if ARTHUR HELPS the Prince, who helps ARTHUR?
+
+
+
+
+CONDENSED CONGRESS.
+
+
+SENATE.
+
+
+By particular request, the Georgia bill came up. So did Senator SCHURZ. He
+approved of almost all propositions which tended to complicate questions,
+because the more complication the more offices, the more offices the more
+patronage, and the more patronage the more fees. He knew that it was an
+alluring precedent which was offered them in the action of the legislature
+of Georgia, retaining itself for double the term it was elected to serve.
+But it was the duty of Congress to resist temptation. He used the word duty
+advisedly. Gentlemen might sneer; but he could tell them that the public
+would not stand the infliction of such a Senate as that which he saw before
+him for a day longer than it was obliged to by law. By disregarding law, he
+wished to know whether the laws would not be greater than the profits. He
+admitted that this was a pun; but appealed to PUNCHINELLO upon the point of
+the propriety of puns. Reform, he would say, was a "plant" of slow growth.
+He had sown it; and his colleague, Mr. -----, had watered it; but it did
+not seem to thrive in Missouri.
+
+Mr. DRAKE, who has been studying elocution under a graduate of the Old
+Bowery, and has acquired a most tragic croak, which, with a little rouge
+and burnt cork, and haggard hair, gives him a truly awful aspect, remarked
+that the soil of the South was clotted with blood by fiends in human shape,
+(sensation in the diplomatic gallery.) The metaphor might be meaningless;
+but it struck him it was strong. These fiends were doubly protected by
+midnight and the mask. In his own State the Ku-Klux ranged together with
+the fierce whang-doodle. His own life had been threatened. (Faint
+applause.) He had received an express package marked in large letters,
+"D.H." The President of the United States, an expert in express packages,
+had told him this meant "Dead Head." Was this right? Hah! Bellud!! Gore was
+henceforth his little game. He would die in his seat. (Great cheering,
+which rendered the remainder of the senator's remarks inaudible.)
+
+The case of the admission of General AMES as a senator from Mississippi
+came up. Senator CONKLING said that he had no objection to AMES in
+particular; but in Brigadier-General, he considered the principle of
+letting in men who elected themselves to be bad. Notoriously, General AMES
+did not live in Mississippi. He considered this rather creditable to
+General AMES'S good sense than otherwise. But did it not operate as a
+trivial disqualification against his coming here to represent Mississippi?
+Besides, if generals were allowed to elect themselves, where would it end?
+General AUGUR, he believed, commanded the Indian district. He would send
+himself to the Senate from that region, and be howling about the Piegan
+massacre and such outrages upon his constituents, with which the Senate had
+been sickened already. In that case AUGUR, he grieved to say, would be a
+Bore. Then there is CANBY, who commands in Virginia. CANBY would like to be
+a senator, no doubt, like other people who never tried it; and he will be
+if he CANBY. A distinguished friend of his in the other house, whom it
+would be detrimental to the public service for him to name, if this
+military representation were to be recognized, instead of sitting for a
+district in Massachusetts, would represent Dutch Gap. They had already, in
+his friend from Missouri, a representative of the German Flats; and he
+submitted that a member from Dutch Gap would be two tonic for the body
+politic.
+
+Mr. HOWARD was in favor of the admission of AMES. He considered the
+arguments of the last speaker paltry, and his puns beneath contempt. What
+difference did it make whether AMES represented Mississippi or not?
+Mississippi was disloyal, and didn't deserve to have any representative.
+AMES was a good fellow, and a good officer. Besides, he had been through
+West-Point and knew something. He understood he played a very fair game of
+billiards, and he would be an ornament to the Senate. Let us let him in.
+The Senate had already let in REVELS, who had been sent by AMES; and it was
+absurd to keep out AMES, who was the master of the REVELS. He considered
+that, in the language of a manly sport with which senators were familiar,
+he "saw" Senator CONKLING'S puns, and went several better, though he did
+not wish to be considered a better himself.
+
+All this time, singular to say, Senator SUMNER remained silent.
+
+
+HOUSE.
+
+
+The House had a little amusement over polygamy in Utah. That institution
+shocks Mr. WARD, of New-York, and naturally also Mr. BUTLER, of
+Massachusetts. Mr. WARD was astonished to see any member standing up in
+defence of polygamy in the nineteenth century. If some member should stand
+up in any other century and defend it, it would not astonish him at all. It
+was sheer inhumanity to refuse to come to the rescue of our suffering
+brethren in Utah. How a man who had one wife could consent to see fellow-
+creatures writhing under the infliction of two or three each, was what, Mr.
+WARD remarked, got over him. Mr. BUTLER pointed out how much money the
+Mormons had made.
+
+Mr. Cox did not see why we should interfere by force to prevent a man's
+marrying as many wives as he chose. Such a man was his own worst enemy; and
+his crime carried its own punishment.
+
+Mr. HOOPER, of Utah, said the bill was an outrage. By all the wives that he
+held most sacred, he felt impelled to resent it. MOSES was a polygamist;
+hence his meekness. If this sort of thing was continued, no man's wives
+would be safe. His own partners would be torn from him, and turned out upon
+the world. He scorned to select from among them. Take all or none.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE MARRIAGE MARKET IN ROME.
+
+
+The business of catching impecunious counts, of magnetizing bankrupt
+marquises, and of plucking penniless princes, as practised by American
+women, appears to absorb all the attention in Rome at present. The rage for
+titles is said to be so great among some classes of Americans resident in
+the Holy City, that the only song one hears at evening parties and
+receptions is the one commencing,
+
+  "When I can read my title clear."
+
+We should not be surprised any day to hear that a marriage market had been
+opened on one of the plazas of Rome, the quotations of which would read
+something after this fashion: Husbands dull and declining; American
+beauties more active; foreign mammas less firm; American securities in
+great demand; the market in princes somewhat stronger; holders of titles
+much sought after; brains without money a drug in the market; "bogus"
+counts at a discount; the genealogy market panicky and falling; the stock
+of nobility rapidly depreciating; the pedigree exchange market flat and
+declining, etc., etc. This traffic in titles, this barter in dowries, this
+swapping of "blood" for dollars, is an offense too rank for words to embody
+it. The trade in cadetships is mild in comparison with it, because in these
+commercial transactions with counts, while one party may be the purchaser,
+both parties are inevitably seen to be sold. The business may only be
+excusable on the theory that "an even exchange is no robbery." But so long
+as brains are not bartered for a title, or beauty sacrificed for a
+pedigree, we should not complain. Of money, there is plenty in America;
+and, while marquises are in the market, let Shoddy continue to pipe for its
+own. A fig for Macbeth's philosophy that "blood will have blood." We modify
+it in these degenerate days to "blood will have money:"
+
+  "Maidens, like moths, are ever caught by glare;
+  And Mammon wins his way where Seraphs might despair."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  "The Lay of the Last Minstrel."
+
+  "SHOO FLY, don't bodder me."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Benedict's Time."
+
+THE honeymoon.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Homoeopathic Cure for Hydrophobia.
+
+BARK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Ode to my Washerwoman.
+
+$2 50.
+
+
+
+
+A.T. STEWART & CO.
+
+ARE MAKING
+
+_GREAT REDUCTIONS,_
+
+In the Prices of the Goods
+
+IN ALL THE DEPARTMENTS
+
+OF THEIR
+
+Retail Establishment,
+
+NAMELY
+
+SILKS, SATINS, VELVETS,
+
+Dress Goods, Laces, Embroideries,
+
+REAL INDIA CAMEL'S HAIR SHAWLS,
+
+Ladies', Misses', and Children's
+
+Walking-Suits, Reception-Dresses,
+
+Morning-Robes, Undergarments,
+
+
+INFANT'S WARDROBES,
+
+
+Gentlemen's Furnishing Goods of every Description,
+
+
+HOUSEKEEPING AND HOUSE-FURNISHING GOODS,
+
+Linens, Sheetings, Damasks,
+
+Damask Table-Cloths, Napkins,
+
+Towels, Towelings,
+
+Blankets. Flannels,
+
+Quilts, Counterpanes, Carpets, Mats, Rugs,
+
+
+ENGLISH AND AMERICAN OIL-CLOTHS
+
+Upholstery Goods in Brocatelles,
+
+Silk Terrys, Plain Satins, Figured
+
+Cotelaines, Striped Reps,
+
+Furniture Chintzes,
+
+Etc., Etc., Etc.,
+
+AT EXTREMELY LOW PRICES.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BROADWAY,
+
+Fourth Avenue, Ninth and Tenth Streets,
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The two great objects of a learner's ambition ought to be to speak a
+foreign language idiomatically, and to pronounce it correctly; and these
+are the objects which are most carefully provided for in the MASTERY
+SYSTEM.
+
+The Mastery of Languages;
+
+OR
+
+THE ART OF SPEAKING LANGUAGES
+
+IDIOMATICALLY.
+
+BY THOMAS PRENDERGAST.
+
+  _I. Hand-Book of The Mastery Series.
+
+ II. The Mastery Series. French.
+
+III. The Mastery Series. German.
+
+ IV. The Mastery Series. Spanish._
+
+PRICE 50 CENTS EACH.
+
+_From Professor E.M. Gallaudet, of the National Deaf Mute College._
+
+"The results which crowned the labor of the first week were so astonishing
+that he fears to detail them fully lest doubts should be raised as to his
+credibility. But this much he does not hesitate to claim, that, after a
+study of less than two weeks, he was able to sustain conversation in the
+newly-acquired language on a great variety of subjects."
+
+FROM THE ENGLISH PRESS.
+
+"The principle may be explained in a line--it is first learning the
+language, and then studying the grammar, and then learning (or trying to
+learn) the language."--_Morning Star_.
+
+"We know that there are some who have given Mr. Prendergast's plan a trial,
+and discovered that in a few weeks its results had surpassed all their
+expectations."--_Record_.
+
+"A week's patient trial of the French Manual has convinced that the method
+is sound."--_Papers for the Schoolmaster_.
+
+"The simplicity and naturalness of the system are obvious."--_Herald_
+(Birmingham.)
+
+"We know of no other plan which will infallibly lead to the result in a
+reasonable time."--_Norfolk News_.
+
+
+FROM THE AMERICAN PRESS.
+
+
+"The system is as near as can be to the one in which a child learns to
+talk."--_Troy Whig_.
+
+"We would advise all who are about to begin the study of languages to give
+it a trial."--_Rochester Democrat_.
+
+"For European travellers this volume is invaluable."--_Worcester Spy_.
+
+
+Either of the above volumes sent by mail free to any part of the United
+States on receipt of price.
+
+D. APPLETON & CO., Publishers,
+
+90, 92, and 94 Grand Street, New-York.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RED AS A ROSE IS SHE.
+
+_Third Edition._
+
+D. APPLETON & CO.,
+
+90, 92, and 94 Grand Street,
+
+Have now ready the Third Edition of
+
+RED AS A ROSE IS SHE.
+
+By the Author of "Cometh up as a Flower."
+
+1 vol. 8vo. Paper Covers, 60 cents.
+
+From the New-York _Evening Express_.
+
+"This is truly a charming novel; for half its contents breathe the very
+odor of the flower it takes as its title."
+
+From the Philadelphia _Inquirer_.
+
+"The author can and does write well; the descriptions of scenery are
+particularly effective, always graphic, and never overstrained."
+
+D.A. & Co. have just published:
+
+A SEARCH FOR WINTER SUNBEAMS IN THE
+
+RIVIERA, CORSICA, ALGIERS, AND SPAIN.
+
+By Hon. S.S. Cox. Illustrated. Price, $3.
+
+REPTILES AND BIRDS: A POPULAR ACCOUNT OF THEIR VARIOUS ORDERS, WITH A
+DESCRIPTION OF THE HABITS AND ECONOMY OF THE MOST INTERESTING.
+
+by Louis Figuier. Illustrated with 907 wood-cuts. 1 vol. 8vo, $6.
+
+
+HEREDITARY GENIUS: AN INQUIRY INTO ITS LAWS AND CONSEQUENCES.
+
+By Francis Galton. 1 vol. 8vo. $3.50.
+
+
+HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES OP
+
+LEARNING LANGUAGES.
+
+  I. THE HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES.
+
+ II. THE MASTERY SERIES, FRENCH.
+
+III. THE MASTERY SERIES, GERMAN,
+
+ IV. THE MASTERY SERIES, SPANISH.
+
+Price, 50 cents each.
+
+
+Either of the above sent free by mail to any address on receipt of the
+price.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_An Absolutely Pure Article_.
+
+
+THE
+
+KNICKERBOCKER
+
+Gin Company's
+
+WORLD-RENOWNED
+
+Double Distilled
+
+B. & V.'s "ANCHOR" BRAND
+
+
+OF
+
+
+PURE
+
+
+HOLLAND GIN,
+
+
+FROM THEIR OWN DISTILLERY AT
+
+
+LEIDEN. NEAR SCHIEDAM, HOLLAND.
+
+
+This brand of liquor has obtained a great reputation, not only In Holland
+but throughout Europe where it has been tested
+
+
+IN THE MOST CELEBRATED
+
+
+Chemical Institutions.
+
+
+MILLIONS OF GALLONS
+
+Have been sent to all parts of the world, and principally to the
+
+EAST AND WEST INDIES, AUSTRALIA, AND
+
+AFRICA,
+
+Where it is used
+
+In Preference to any other Brand known.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Orders will be received at their office,
+
+No. 15 William Street,
+
+For the above, and also for their other importations of
+
+WINES,
+
+BRANDIES,
+
+CIGARS, Etc.,
+
+Which they guarantee as to
+
+PURITY AND GENUINENESS.
+
+KNICKERBOCKER GIN CO.,
+
+15 William Street,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DAT'S WHAT'S DE MATTER. _Melodramatic Tonsor_. "Boss,
+WHAT'S DE MATTER? WHAT DE BITTER CAUSE OF DAT PENSIB LEMENCHOLY?"
+
+_Boss, (gloomily.)_ "AH! CAUSE 'NUFF. DE RIGHTS OB DE CULLID PUSSON IS
+FORGOT, AND DE SIXTEENTH 'MENDMENT AND SUFFERIN' WOMAN RULES DE ROOST!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Harper's Periodicals.
+
+Magazine. Weekly. Bazar.
+
+_Subscription Price, $4 per year each. $10 for the three._
+
+An Extra Copy of either the MAGAZINE, WEEKLY, or BAZAR will be supplied
+gratis for every Club of Five Subscribers at $4 each, in one remittance;
+or, Six Copies for $20.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HARPER'S CATALOGUE
+
+May be obtained gratuitously on application to Harper & Brothers
+personally, or by letter, inclosing six cents in postage-stamps.
+
+_HARPER & BROTHERS, New-York_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HENRY L. STEPHENS,
+
+
+ARTIST,
+
+
+No. 160 Fulton Street,
+
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+
+Important to Newsdealers!
+
+
+ALL ORDERS FOR
+
+
+PUNCHINELLO
+
+
+Will be supplied by
+
+
+OUR SOLE ANB EXCLUSIVE AGENTS,
+
+
+American News Co.
+
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCHINELLO:
+
+
+TERMS TO CLUBS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS
+
+
+FIRST:
+
+
+_DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER_,
+
+The most complete and desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning
+purposes.
+
+
+SECOND:
+
+
+_BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES_.
+
+
+These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful;
+and every lady should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind of
+crochet or fancy work upon them.
+
+
+THIRD:
+
+_BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER_.
+
+This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It knits every
+thing.
+
+
+FOURTH:
+
+_AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE_.
+
+This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on all
+former machines. No. 1, with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and Cover,
+complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole parts,
+etc., price, $60.
+
+
+WE WILL SEND THE
+
+Family Spinner,                       price, $8, for 4 subscribers and $16.
+No. 1 Crochet,                        price,  8, for 4 subscribers and 16.
+No. 2 Crochet,                        price, 15, for 6 subscribers and 24.
+No. 1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles,  price, 30, for 12 subscribers and 48.
+No. 2 Automatic Knitter, 84 needles,  price, 33, for 13 subscribers and 52.
+No. 3 Automatic Knitter, 100 needles, price, 37, for 15 subscribers and 60.
+No. 4 Automatic Knitter, 2 cylinders }
+                         1 72 needles}price, 40, for 16 subscribers and 64.
+                         1 100 needles}
+
+No. 1 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, price, $75, for 30
+subscribers and �120.
+No. 2 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, without buttonhole
+parts, etc. price, 60, for 25 subscribers and 100.
+
+
+Descriptive Circulars
+
+
+Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and
+full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers.
+
+Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct
+seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers
+and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send
+single names as they obtain they them, deducting the commission.
+
+Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts on
+New-York City; or if these can not be obtained, then by Registered Letters,
+which any post-master will furnish. Charges on money sent by express must
+be prepaid, or the net amount only will be credited.
+
+Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit to prevent
+error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and State.
+
+The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable quarterly
+in advance, at the place where it was received. Subscribers in the British
+Provinces will remit twenty cents in addition to subscription.
+
+All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY P. O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street,
+NEW-YORK
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 2, April 9,
+1870, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, APRIL 9, 1870 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 9481-8.txt or 9481-8.zip *****
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+<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN">
+<html>
+<head>
+<title>PUNCHINELLO, Vol. 1, No. 2</title>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1">
+<style type="text/css">
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+
+<pre>
+
+Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 2, April 9, 1870, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 2, April 9, 1870
+
+Author: Various
+
+Posting Date: January 18, 2013 [EBook #9481]
+Release Date: December, 2005
+First Posted: October 4, 2003
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, APRIL 9, 1870 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Marvin
+A. Hodges and the Online Distributed Proofreaders
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<h1>Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 2</h1>
+
+<center>
+<img alt="cover.jpg (283K)" src="images/cover.jpg" height="1141" width="781">
+</center>
+
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="02.jpg (199K)" src="images/02.jpg" height="1135" width="779">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+
+<center>
+<img alt="03.jpg (160K)" src="images/03.jpg" height="710" width="710">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+
+<p>It is as difficult to say when the umbrella came, or where it came from, as<br>
+it is to tell where it goes to. Rumor hath it, however, that it came in<br>
+(that is, out of the rain) with NOAH. The story (as given us by an<br>
+antiquarian relative) says that when the Ark was built the camelopard was<br>
+forgotten, and it was found necessary to cut a hole in the roof to<br>
+accommodate the animal's neck. This done, SHEM sat upon the roof and held<br>
+an umbrella. SHEM thus <i>raised</i> the umbrella. Then our further<br>
+question follows, Where did he raise it? Evidently he raised the umbrella<br>
+on the Ark.</p>
+
+<p>These theories seem to us to be entitled to serious consideration; and<br>
+certainly it is a reasonable belief that, as the present suffering from the<br>
+high price of clothing is due to the sin of our first parents, so the<br>
+umbrella is the curse entailed by royalty, coming in with the First Reign<br>
+spoken of in history.</p>
+
+<p>The umbrella appears again in ancient time in connection with DANIEL, who,<br>
+it is said, carried one into the lions' den. The authority for this is a<br>
+historical painting that has fallen into the hands of an itinerant showman.<br>
+A curious fact is stated with reference to this picture, namely, that<br>
+DANIEL so closely resembled the lions in personal appearance that it was<br>
+necessary for the showman to state that "DANIEL might easily be<br>
+distinguished from the lions on account of the blue cotton umbrella under<br>
+his right arm."</p>
+
+<p>For what purpose this umbrella may have been carried we can only surmise.</p>
+
+<p>The most probable theory is, that it was to be used there to intimidate the<br>
+lions, as it has since been used toward mad bulls and other ferocious<br>
+beasts.</p>
+
+<p>We have now taken hold pretty firmly of what may be called the handle of<br>
+the umbrella. We have learned that, as ADAM raised CAIN, NOAH raised the<br>
+umbrella, and DANIEL carried one.</p>
+
+<p>We have learned further that the umbrella carried by DANIEL was a blue<br>
+cotton umbrella&mdash;undoubtedly the most primitive type of the umbrella.</p>
+
+<p>It is one of this class that your country friend brings down with him, that<br>
+darkeneth the heavens as with a canopy and maketh you ashamed of your<br>
+company. It is such an umbrella as this that is to be found or might have<br>
+been found, in ancient days, in every old farm-house&mdash;one that covered the<br>
+whole household when it went to church, occupying as much room when closed<br>
+as would the tent of an Arab.</p>
+
+<p>We have heard it said that it was the impossibility of two umbrellas of<br>
+this nature passing each other on a narrow road which led to the invention<br>
+of covered wagons.</p>
+
+<p>There is nothing lovely about a blue cotton umbrella, though there may have<br>
+been <i>under</i> it at times and seasons. Skeletons of the species, much<br>
+faded as to color, much weakened as to whalebone, may still be found here<br>
+and there in backwoods settlements, where they are known as "umbrells;"<br>
+there are but few perfect specimens in existence.</p>
+
+<p>The present style of the umbrella is varied, and sometimes elegant. The<br>
+cover is of silk; the ribs are of steel oftener than of bone, and the<br>
+handle is wrought into divers quaint and beautiful shapes. The most common<br>
+kind is the <i>hooked umbrella</i>. Most people have hooked umbrellas&mdash;or,<br>
+if this statement be offensive to any one, we will say that most people<br>
+have had umbrellas hooked. The chance resemblance of this expression to one<br>
+signifying to obstruct illegally that which properly belongs to another,<br>
+reminds us to speak of the singular fact that the umbrella is not property.<br>
+This is important. It rests on judicial decision, and becomes more<br>
+important when we remember that by similar decision the negro is property,<br>
+and that, therefore, until emancipation, the umbrella was superior to the<br>
+negro. The judicial decision cited will be found reported in <i>Vanity<br>
+Fair</i>, liber 3, page 265, and was on this wise: A man being arraigned<br>
+for stealing an umbrella, pleaded that it rained at the time, and he had no<br>
+umbrella. On these grounds he was discharged, and the judge took the<br>
+umbrella. (We may notice here how closely this decision has been followed,<br>
+even down to modern times, and touching other matters than umbrellas.)</p>
+
+<p>This established the fact that the umbrella was not property that could be<br>
+bought, sold, and stolen, but a free gift of the manufacturer to universal<br>
+creation. The right of ownership in umbrellas ranked henceforward with our<br>
+right to own the American continent, being merely a right by discovery.</p>
+
+<p>(TO BE CONTINUED.)</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="03a.jpg (94K)" src="images/03a.jpg" height="468" width="533">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+
+
+
+
+<hr>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>
+<br>
+Depressing for Chicago.</p>
+
+<p>
+The Chicago press has given up all hopes of the PRINCE OF WALES since he<br>
+has proved his innocence in regard to Lady MORDAUNT. Chicago had begun to<br>
+look upon him with mildly patronizing favor, when he was accused of a share<br>
+in a really first-class divorce case; but now that his innocence is<br>
+established, there is no longer any extenuating circumstance which can<br>
+induce Chicago to overlook the infamous crime of his royal birth.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>Latest from the Isthmus of Suez.</p>
+
+<p>
+Of all men, the followers of MOHAMMED are the most candid; since no matter<br>
+of what you accuse them, they always acknowledge the Koran.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>Right and Left.</p>
+
+<p>Because the P.&amp; O. Directors have suspended their EYRE, we are not called<br>
+upon to suspend our anger. We decline to believe that he can justify<br>
+himself in leaving the Oneida, however blameless he may have been in the<br>
+matter of the collision. Because the Oneida was Left it does not follow<br>
+that the Bombay was Right.</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<hr>
+<center>
+<h3>THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.</h3>
+</center>
+
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<img alt="04.jpg (92K)" src="images/04.jpg" height="615" width="411">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+
+</td><td>
+<p>Mr. BOUCICAULT might properly be called the author of the elementary Drama.
+Not because his plays, like elementary lessons in French, are peculiarly
+aggravating to the well-regulated mind, but because of his fondness for
+employing one of the elements of nature&mdash;fire, water, or golden hair&mdash;in
+the production of the sensation which invariably takes place in the fourth
+or fifth act of each of his popular dramas. In the <i>Streets of
+New-York</i>, he made a hit by firing a building at the spectacularly
+disposed audience. In <i>Formosa</i>, he gave us a boat-race; and in
+<i>Lost at Sea</i>, now running at WALLACK'S, he has renewed his former
+fondness for playing with fire. The following condensed version of this
+play is offered to the readers of PUNCHINELLO, with the assurance that,
+though it may be a little more coherent than the unabridged edition, it is
+a faithful picture of the sort of thing that Mr. BOUCICAULT, aided and
+abetted by Mr. WALLACK, thinks proper to offer to the public.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+
+
+<hr>
+
+
+<center>
+<h3>LOST AT SEA.</h3>
+</center>
+
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>
+ACT I. <i>Scene</i> 1. <i>Enter Virtuous Banker</i>. "I have embezzled<br>
+WALTER CORAM'S money, and he is coming from India to claim it. I am a<br>
+ruined man."</p>
+
+<p><i>Enter Unprincipled Clerk</i>. "Not so. WALTER CORAM is lost at sea, and<br>
+we will keep the money."</p>
+
+<p><i>Virtuous Banker</i>. "Thank heaven! I am not found out, and can remain<br>
+an honest man as usual."</p>
+
+<p><i>Scene</i> 2. <i>Enter Comic Villain</i>. "I am just released from prison<br>
+and must soon meet my wife." (<i>Swears and smashes in his hat</i>.)</p>
+
+<p><i>Enter Unprincipled Clerk</i>. "Not so. WALTER, CORAM is lost at sea.<br>
+Personate him, draw his money, and share it with me."</p>
+
+<p><i>Comic Villain</i>. "I will." (<i>Swears and smashes in his hat</i>.)</p>
+
+<p><i>Scene</i> 3. <i>Enter Miss Effie Germon</i>. (Aside.) "I am supposed to<br>
+be a virtuous and vagabond boy. I hate to show my ankles in ragged<br>
+trowsers, but I must." (<i>Shows them. Applause</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>Enter Daughter of Comic Villain</i>. "I love the unprincipled clerk; but<br>
+there is a sick stranger up-stairs who pokes the fire in a way that I can<br>
+hardly resist. Be firm, my heart. Shall I be untrue to my own unprincipled<br>
+&mdash;&mdash;-"</p>
+
+<p><i>Enter Unprincipled Clerk</i>. "Not so. WALTER CORAM is lost at sea, and<br>
+I must leave these valuable boxes in your hands for safe-keeping."<br>
+(<i>Leaves the boxes, and then leaves himself</i>.)</p>
+
+<p><i>Enter Sick Stranger</i>. "I am WALTER CORAM. Those are my boxes.<br>
+Somebody is personating me. Big thing on somebody. Let him go ahead."<br>
+(<i>Curtain</i>.)</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p><i>Young Lady in the Audience</i>. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON perfectly lovely?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Accompanying Bostonian Youth</i>. "Yes; but you should see RISTORI in<br>
+<i>Marie Antoinette</i>. There is a sweetness and light about the great<br>
+tragedienne which &mdash;&mdash;-"</p>
+
+<p><i>Heavy old Party, to contiguous Young Man</i>. "Don't think much of this;<br>
+do you? Now, in TOM PLACIDS's day&mdash;&mdash;" <i>Contiguous and aggrieved Young<br>
+Man pleads an engagement and hastily goes out</i>.</p>
+
+<p>ACT II. <i>Scene</i> 1. <i>Virtuous Banker's Villa, Comic Villain,<br>
+Unprincipled Clerk, and Wealthy Heroine dining with the Banker</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Enter Original Coram</i>. "I am WALTER CORAM; but I can't prove it, the<br>
+villains having stolen my bootjack."</p>
+
+<p><i>Enter Comic Villain, who smashes in his hat, and swears</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Original Coram. (Approaching him</i>.) "This is WALTER CORAM, I believe?<br>
+I knew you in India. We boarded together. Don't you remember old FUTTYGHUR<br>
+ALLAHABAD, and the rest of our set?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Comic Villain, in great mental torture</i>. "Certainly; of course: I<br>
+said so at the time." (<i>Swears and smashes in his hat</i>.) (<i>Exeunt<br>
+omnes, in search of Virtuous Banker</i>.)</p>
+
+<p><i>Scene</i> 2. <i>Enter Miss Effie Germon, by climbing over the wall</i>.<br>
+"I hate to climb over the wall and show my ankles in these nasty trowsers,<br>
+but I must." (<i>Shows them. Applause</i>.)</p>
+
+<p><i>Enter Daughter of Comic Villain</i>. "Great Heavings! What do I see? My<br>
+beloved clerk offering himself to the wealthy heroine? I must faint!"<br>
+(<i>Faints</i>.)</p>
+
+<p><i>Enter aristocratic lover of wealthy heroine, and catches the faintress<br>
+in his arms. Wealthy heroine catches him in the act. Tableau of virtuous<br>
+indignation</i>. (<i>Curtain</i>)</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p><i>Young Lady before-named</i>. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON perfectly sweet?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Bostonian Youth</i>. "Yes; but RISTORI&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p><i>Mighty Young Men</i>. "Let's go out for drinks."</p>
+
+<p>
+ACT III. <i>Scene</i> 1. <i>Enter Daughter of Comic Villain</i>. "My clerk<br>
+is false, and I don't care a straw for him. Consequently, I will drown<br>
+myself."</p>
+
+<p><i>Enter Original Coram</i>. "I am WALTER CORAM; but I can't prove it, the<br>
+villains having stolen my Calcutta latch-key. Better not drown yourself, my<br>
+dear. You'll find it beastly wet. Don't do it." (<i>She doesn't do it</i>.)<br>
+(<i>Curtain</i>.)</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p><i>Young Lady before-named</i>. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON perfectly beautiful?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Bostonian Youth</i>. "Yes. But at her age RISTORI&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p><i>Heavy old Party murmurs in his sleep of ELLEN TREE. More young men go<br>
+out to get drinks</i>.</p>
+
+<p>
+ACT IV. <i>Scene</i> 1. <i>Enter Virtuous Banker</i>. "All is lost. There<br>
+is a run on the bank &mdash;&mdash;-"</p>
+
+<p><i>Enter Unprincipled Clerk</i>. "WALTER CORAM presents check for &pound;7 4 S.<br>
+We have no funds. Shall we pay it?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Enter Original Coram</i>. (<i>Aside</i>.) "I am WALTER CORAM; but I<br>
+can't prove it, the villains having taken my other handkerchief. (<i>To the<br>
+Banker</i>.) Sir, you once gave me a penny, and you have since embezzled my<br>
+fortune. How can I repay such noble conduct? Here is a bag of gold. Take it<br>
+and pay your creditors."</p>
+
+<p><i>Scene</i> 2. <i>Enter Unprincipled Clerk and Comic Villain</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Unprincipled Clerk</i>. "The original CORAM has turned up. We must turn<br>
+him down again. I will burn him in his bed to-night."</p>
+
+<p><i>Comic Villain</i>. "Burn him; but don't attempt any violence." (<i>Swears<br>
+and smashes in his hat</i>.)</p>
+
+<p><i>Scene</i> 4. <i>Enter Original Coram</i>. "I am WALTER COHAM; but I<br>
+can't prove it&mdash;I forget precisely why. What is this in my coffee? Opium!<br>
+It is, by SIVA, VISHNU, and others! They would fain drug my drink. Ha! Ha!<br>
+I have drank, eaten, smoked, chewed, and snuffed opium for ninety years. I<br>
+like it. So did my parents. I am, so to speak, the child of poppy. Ha! What<br>
+do I see? Flames twenty feet high all around me! Can this be fire? The<br>
+wretches mean to burn me alive! (<i>Aside</i>&mdash;And they'll do it too, some<br>
+night, if Moss don't keep a sharp look-out after those lazy carpenters.)"</p>
+
+<p><i>Enter Miss Effie German</i>. (<i>Aside</i>.) "I must get on the roof and<br>
+drag CORAM out. I hate to do it; for I shall have to show my ankles in<br>
+these horrid trowsers. But I suppose I must." (<i>Gets on the roof with<br>
+Comic Villain's Daughter, shows ankles, lifts up roof and saves Coram, amid<br>
+whirlwinds of applause and smoke.&mdash;Curtain</i>)</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p><i>Young Lady before-named</i>. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON <i>too</i> lovely?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Bostonian Youth</i>. "Yes. RISTORI is, however &mdash;&mdash;-"</p>
+
+<p><i>Heavy old Party</i>. "This fire business is dangerous, sir. Never saw it<br>
+done at the old Park. EDMUND KEAN would &mdash;&mdash;-"</p>
+
+<p>ACT V. <i>Enter Original Coram</i>. "I am WALTER CORAM. I can now prove it<br>
+by simply mentioning the fact. I love the daughter of the Comic Villain,<br>
+and will marry her."</p>
+
+<p><i>Unprincipled Clerk</i>. "All is lost except WALTER CORAM, who ought to<br>
+be. I will go to Australia, at once." (<i>He goes</i>.)</p>
+
+<p><i>Comic Villain</i>, (<i>smashes his hat over his eyes and swears</i>).</p>
+
+<p><i>Virtuous Banker</i>. "Bless you, my children. I forgive you all the<br>
+injuries I have done you." (<i>Curtain</i>.)</p>
+
+<br>
+<hr>
+<br>
+
+<p><i>Every body in the audience</i>. "How do you like&mdash;Real fire; STODDAHT'S<br>
+faces are&mdash;Real fire; EFFIE GERMON is&mdash;Real fire; Come and take&mdash;Real fire;<br>
+JIM WALLACK is always at home in&mdash;Real fire; There is nothing in the play<br>
+but&mdash;Real fire."</p>
+
+<p><i>Misanthropic Critic, to gentlemanly Treasurer</i>. "Can I have two seats<br>
+for to-morrow night?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Treasurer</i>. "All sold, sir. Play draws better than <i>Ours</i>!"</p>
+
+<p><i>Misanthropic Critic</i>. Well! no matter. I only wanted to send my<br>
+mother-in-law, knowing that the house must take fire some night. However,<br>
+I'll read the play to her instead; if she survives that, she isn't mortal.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p><i>Suggestion kindly made to Manager Moss</i>.&mdash;Have the fire scene take<br>
+place in the first act, and let all the <i>dramatis personae</i> perish in<br>
+the flames. Thus shall the audience be spared the vulgar profanity of<br>
+STODDART'S "Comic Villain," the absurdity of WALLACK'S "Coram," the twaddle<br>
+of HIELD'S "Virtuous Banker," and the impossible imbecility of FISHER'S<br>
+"Unprincipled Clerk." Miss GERMON in trowsers, and Miss HENRIQUES in tears,<br>
+are very nice; but they do not quite redeem the wretchedness of the play.<br>
+The sooner Mr. Moss gives up his present flame and returns to his early<br>
+love&mdash;legitimate comedy&mdash;the better.</p>
+<p>MATADOR.</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<hr>
+<center>
+<h3>HOW TO BEHAVE AT A THEATRE.</h3></center>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>
+MR. PUNCHINELLO: I take it you are willing to receive useful information.<br>
+Of course you are&mdash;Why? Because, while you may be humorous, you intend also<br>
+to be sensible. I have in my day been to the theatre not a little. I have<br>
+seen many plays and many audiences. I know&mdash;or, at least, think I do&mdash;what<br>
+is good acting, and&mdash;what good manners. Suffer me, then, briefly to give<br>
+you a few hints as to how an audience should behave. I shall charge nothing<br>
+for the information, though I am frank to insinuate that it is worth a<br>
+deal&mdash;of the value, perhaps, of a great deal table.</p>
+
+<p>First. Always take a lady with you to the play. It will please her,<br>
+whatever the bother to you. Besides, you will then be talked to. If you<br>
+make a mess of it in trying to unravel the plot, she will essentially aid<br>
+you in that direction. Nothing like a woman for a plot&mdash;especially if you<br>
+desire to plunge head foremost into one.</p>
+
+<p>Second. If you have any loud conversation to indulge in, do it while the<br>
+play is going on. Possibly it may disturb your neighbors; but you do not<br>
+ask them to hear it. Hail Columbia! isn't this a free country? If you have<br>
+any private and confidential affairs to talk over, the theatre is the place<br>
+in which to do it. Possibly strangers may not comprehend all the bearings;<br>
+but that is not your fault. You do your best&mdash;who can do better?</p>
+
+<p>Third. If you have an overcoat or any other garment, throw it across the<br>
+adjoining or front seat. Never mind any protests of frown or word. Should<br>
+not people be willing to accommodate? Of course they should. Prove it by<br>
+putting your dripping umbrella against the lady with the nice moire antique<br>
+silk. It may ruffle her temper; but that's her business, not yours; she<br>
+shouldn't be ridiculous because well dressed.</p>
+
+<p>Fourth. Try and drop your opera-glass half a dozen times of an evening. If<br>
+it makes a great racket&mdash;as of course it will&mdash;and rolls a score of seats<br>
+off, hasten at once to obtain possession of the frisky instrument. Let<br>
+these little episodes be done at a crisis in the play where the finest<br>
+points are being evolved.</p>
+
+<p>Fifth. Of course you carry a cane&mdash;a very ponderous cane. What for? To use<br>
+it, obviously. Contrive to do so when every body is silent. What's the use<br>
+in being demonstrative in a crowd? It don't pay. Besides, you dog, you know<br>
+your <i>forte</i> is in being odd. Odd fellow-you. See it in your<br>
+brain&mdash;only half of one. Make a point to bring down your cane when there is<br>
+none, (point, not cane,) and shout out "Good!" or "Bravo!" when you have<br>
+reason to believe other people are going to be quiet.</p>
+
+<p>Sixth. Never go in till after a play begins, and invariably leave in the<br>
+middle of an act, and in the most engaging scene.</p>
+
+<p>These are but a few hints. However, I trust they are good as far as they<br>
+go. I may send you a half-dozen more. In the mean time I remain</p>
+
+<p>Yours, truly,</p>
+
+<p>O. FOGY.</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+
+<hr>
+
+<center>
+<img alt="05.jpg (321K)" src="images/05.jpg" height="1565" width="719">
+</center>
+
+
+
+<hr>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>V. H. to Punchinello.</p>
+
+<p>The following letter, received by the French cable, explains itself. After<br>
+the perusal of it, America warms toward France:</p>
+
+<p>HAUTEVILLE PARK, March 25,1870.</p>
+
+<p>To THE EDITOR OF THE PUNCHINELLO:</p>
+
+<p>MONSIEUR: The advance copy of your journal has stormed my heart. I owe it<br>
+one happy day.</p>
+
+<p>Europe trembles. They light their torches sinister, those trans-alpine<br>
+vacillationists. The church, already less tranquil, dis-segregates itself.<br>
+We laugh.</p>
+
+<p>To your journal there is a future, and there will be a past.</p>
+
+<p>The age has its pulsations, and it never forgets.</p>
+
+<p>I, too, remember.</p>
+
+<p>There is also blood. Upon it already glitters the dust of glory.</p>
+
+<p>Monsieur! I salute you and your <i>confreres</i>!</p>
+
+<p>Accept my homage and my emotion.</p>
+
+<p>VICTOR HUGO.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<br>
+<hr>
+<br>
+<center>
+<h3>THE HABITS OF GREAT MEN.</h3></center>
+<br>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;"Lives of great men all remind us<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;We can make our lives sublime,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;And, departing, leave behind us<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Footprints on the sands of time."</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>
+Almost since the world began, people have been interested in and<br>
+entertained by gossip respecting the personal habits and individual<br>
+idiosyncrasies of popular writers and orators. It is a universal and<br>
+undying characteristic of human nature. No age has been exempt from it from<br>
+PLINY'S time down to BEECHER'S. It may suitably be called the scarlet-fever<br>
+of curiosity, and rash indeed must be the writer who refuses or neglects to<br>
+furnish any food for the scandal-monger's maw. While we deprecate in the<br>
+strongest terms the custom which persists in lifting the veil of<br>
+personality from the forehead of the great, respect for traditional usages<br>
+and obligation to the present, as well as veneration for the future, impels<br>
+us to reveal some things that are not generally known concerning the men<br>
+who are playing "leading business" on the world's great stage of to-day.</p>
+
+<p>For instance, mankind is generally ignorant of the fact that Mr. SUMNER<br>
+bathes twice a day in a compound, two thirds of which is water and one<br>
+third milk, and that he dictates most of his speeches to a stenographer<br>
+while reclining in the bath-tub. WENDELL PHILLIPS is said to have written<br>
+the greater portion of his famous lecture on "The Lost Arts" on the backs<br>
+of old envelopes while waiting for a train in the Boston depot. Mr. GEORGE<br>
+W. CURTIS prepares his mind for writing by sleeping with his head encased<br>
+in a nightcap lined with leaves of lavender and rose. GRANT, it is said,<br>
+accomplishes most of his writing while under the influence of either opium<br>
+or chloroform, which will account for the soothing character of his state<br>
+papers. WALT WHITMAN writes most of his poetry in the dissecting-room of<br>
+the Medical College, where he has a desk fitted up in close proximity to<br>
+the operating table. Mr. DANA is said to write most of his editorials in<br>
+one of the parlors of the Manhattan Club, arrayed in black broadcloth from<br>
+the sole of his head to the crown of his foot, his hands encased in corn-<br>
+colored kids, a piece of chewing-gum in his mouth, and a bottle of Cherry<br>
+Pectoral by his side. The report that he eats fish every morning for his<br>
+breakfast is untrue: he rejects FISH. COLFAX writes all his speeches and<br>
+lectures with his feet in hot water, and his head wrapped in a moist towel.<br>
+His greatest vice, next to being Vice-President, is to insist upon having<br>
+his writing desk in front of a mirror. BUTLER accomplishes most of his<br>
+literary labor over a dish of soup, which he absorbs through the medium of<br>
+two of his favorite weapons, thus keeping both his hands employed, and<br>
+dictating to an amanuensis every time his mouth enjoys a vacation. BEECHER<br>
+has several methods by which he prepares his mind to write a sermon: By<br>
+riding up and down Broadway on the top of a stage; visiting the Academy of<br>
+Anatomy, or spending a few hours at the Bloomingdale Retreat. Neither<br>
+HOLMES nor WHITTIER are able to write a line of poetry until they are<br>
+brought in contact with the blood of freshly-slain animals; while, on the<br>
+other hand, LONGFELLOW'S only dissipation previous to poetic effort, is a<br>
+dish of baked beans. FORNEY vexes his gigantic intellect with iced water<br>
+and tobacco, (of the latter, "two papers, both daily.") Mr. TILTON composes<br>
+as he reposes in his night-dress, with his hair powdered and "a strawberry<br>
+mark upon his left arm." Mr. PARTON writes with his toes, his hands being<br>
+employed meanwhile knitting hoods for the destitute children of Alaska. Mr.<br>
+P. is a philanthropist. BAYARD TAYLOR writes only in his sleep or while in<br>
+a trance state&mdash;notwithstanding the fact that he lives in the State of<br>
+Pennsylvania. He will then dictate enough to require the services of three<br>
+or four stenographers, and in the morning is ready to attend to the<br>
+laborious and exacting duties attached to the position of stockholder in<br>
+the New-York <i>Tribune</i>. Mr. GREELEY conceives some of his most<br>
+brilliant editorial articles while churning the mercurial milk of the<br>
+Chappaqua farm into butter; or vexing the gracious grain with the flying<br>
+flail; or listening to the pensive murmurings of the plaintive pigs, and<br>
+the whispered cadences of the kindly cattle. RICHARD GRANT WHITE can't<br>
+write, it is said, until a towel moistened with Cologne water is applied to<br>
+his nostrils. Sometimes, however, he varies the monotony of this method by<br>
+riding several miles in a Third Avenue car, which produces a similar<br>
+effect. OAKEY HALL writes his best things while riding on horseback in<br>
+Central Park; his saddle being arranged with a writing-desk accompaniment;<br>
+and while OAKEY dashes off the sentences, his horse furnishes the Stops.<br>
+And just here we propose to stop furnishing further revelations concerning<br>
+the men whose deeds have made their names famous in current national and<br>
+local history.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+
+
+<hr>
+<center>
+<img alt="06.jpg (168K)" src="images/06.jpg" height="770" width="589">
+</center>
+
+
+<hr>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>
+Taking the Cue.</p>
+
+<p>
+There is a strong disposition among those of our diplomats who may be able<br>
+to talk a little "pigeon English," to obtain the Chinese position left<br>
+vacant by Mr. BURLINGAME. Most of these gentlemen can point the Moral of<br>
+the matter&mdash;the sixty thousand dollars a year&mdash;but whether any of them<br>
+would adorn the Tail, is quite another affair.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>Questions for H.G.</p>
+
+<p>
+Is not the <i>Tribune</i> influenced by its negrophilism in denouncing<br>
+PIERRE BONAPARTE as an assassin? Had the victim been a BLANC instead of a<br>
+NOIR, would Mr. GREELEY have felt quite as much sympathy for him?</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>APROPOS OF THE "ONEIDA."&mdash;The windiest excuses of the day are those of<br>
+EYRE.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<hr>
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<h3>ARRAH WHAT DOES HE MANE AT ALL?</h3>
+</center>
+<br>
+<center>
+<p>
+<i>Scene. The White House</i>.</p>
+
+<p>ULYSSES ASLEEP. CUBA, ROONEY, AND FISH OUTSIDE ON THE LOBBY.</p>
+</center>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>ROONEY <i>Loquitur</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;ULYSSES asthore! Good lord, don't he snore!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;ULYSSES! ULYSSES, my boy!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;There's company here, must see you, me dear,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;In spite of this Spanish kill-joy.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;This Minister FISH, who, had he his wish,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Wud put your ould ROONEY down-stairs.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Ay, faith if he dar, but betther by far<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;The sinner was sayin' his pray'rs.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Arrah what does he mane at all?</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;Now, ULICK S. GRANT, it's your own self I want,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;To patiently listen, mavrone,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;To what I've to say, in a fatherly way,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;As if you wor child ov my own.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;For shure is it time, in prose or in rhyme,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;That somebody spoke up, who dar'.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;ULYSSES awake! for Liberty's sake,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;It's braykin our hearts you are.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Arrah what do you mane at all?</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;Och, wirrasthrue vo! it's bitther to know<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;The work that goes an in your name;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;The murdher an' ruin, that others are doin'<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Whilst you have to showlder the shame!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;The grief that is ours, whin you, by the Pow'rs,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Seem traytin it all like a joke,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Like NAYRO, the thief, whin Room was in grief,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;That fiddled away in the smoke!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Arrah what do you mane at all?</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;Och, wake up, ochone! Your innimies groan<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;The words that cut deep as a sword:<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;"He's greedy for goold, an by its slaves rooled<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;ULYSSES is false to his word.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;See poor Cuba there, all tatthered and bare;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;For months at his doore she has stud;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Not a word he replies to her sobs or her sighs,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Nor cares for her tears or her blood!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Arrah what does he mane at all?"</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;Musha, what's that you say? "Sind the ould fool away."<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm disturbin' your rest wid my prate;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;There's Minister FISH, to consult if I wish,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Who attinds to all matthers of state.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;An' Cuba, she too, wid her hulabaloo,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;May just as well bundle an' go;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;You won't hear us now, wid our murtherin row,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;You'll sleep it out whether or no!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Arrah what do we mane at all?</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;Ah! then, by my sowl, this thratemint is foul&mdash;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;To put your best frinds to the blush;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;An' wor you sinsare, in what you sed there<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;We'd tie up your whistle, my thrush!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;But ULICK, machree, you can't desave me,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;By sayin' the word you don't mane;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Or make her beleeve who stands at me sleeve,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;In FISH an' his Castles in Spane.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Arrah what do you mane at all?</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;'Tis late in the day to talk in that way;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;We've had ministhers dishes galore,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;An' laste to my taste, at the blundherin faste,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;The sauce ov that fish one, asthore.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;No, ULICK, alan! the work that's in han'<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Must be done by yourself, if at all.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Your cooks, by my troth, are burnin' the broth,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;We smell it out here in the hall!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Arrah what do you mane at all?</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;No, ULICK, my boy, rise up to our joy,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;An' make a clane sweep ov the crowd<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Of tinkerin tools, an' blundherin fools,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;That put your wits undher a cloud.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Rise up in your might, an' sthrike for the right!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Let England an' Spain hear us talk;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Give FISH his conjay, an' ROONEY will stay;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;You'll then see who's cock ov the walk!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Arrah what do you mane at all?</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;Lave Britain alone; if she won't pay, mavrone,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;She's puttin' her head into debt.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;If I know the books, the way the thing looks,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;She'll pay us, wid intherest, yet!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Ay, faith he did say, so wise in his day&mdash;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;That noble ould Graycian, PHILANDER&mdash;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;That sauce for the goose, if well kept for use,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Was just as good sauce for the gandher!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Arrah what did he mane at all?</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;But Spain, the ould wulf, for her tricks in the Gulf,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Her robbery, murdher, and worse,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>Her</i> debt, she must see, is put down C.O.D.,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Wid Cuba relaysed from her curse.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Ay, FISH, you may sweat, an' SUMNER may threat,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;An' burst his crack'd head in the row;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;The People have spoke, that's fire an' not smoke!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;An' this must be finished, an' now.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Arrah what do you mane at all?</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;Och! ULICK, awake, for Liberty's sake!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;If not for your ROONEY, asthore;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;The Godiss is here, but thrimbles wid fear<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Ov the cowld-blooded Thing at the doore.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;She sez that your name a by-word of shame<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Will be to the nations onborn,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;If you lie there anmov'd whilst the flag that you lov'd<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Is flouted by Spaniards wid scorn.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Arrah what do you mane at all?</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;She sez, an' wid grief, her love for the chief,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;That fought neath her bannir so long,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Will turn into hate, that will cling to the fate<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Ov him who now sides wid the wrong.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;She sez ov all woes that misery knows,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;The grief ov the wronger's the worst<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Who houlds back his ban' from a sufferin' lan'<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;An' laves her to tyrants accurs'd!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Arrah what do you mane at all?</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;Ah! <i>that</i> stirs your blood; I thought that it wud.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Your rizin', me bouchal; it's done!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Go on wid your pray'rs! I'm kickin' down-stairs<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;This ould Spanish mack'rel, for fun.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Sweet Liberty here, and Cuba, my dear!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;You'll stay for the bite an' the sup?<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;An' pardon my joy; since I've woke up the boy<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;I don't know what ind ov me's up!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Arrah what did he mane at all?</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<hr>
+<br><br><br>
+<center>
+<h3>Travellers' Tales.</h3></center>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>
+No one now believes that DR. LIVINGSTONE was burnt for sorcery. The<br>
+originator of the report could have made a more plausible story by<br>
+asserting that LIVINGSTONE refused to marry the daughter of an African<br>
+chief, and was consequently put to death. This would have been strictly in<br>
+accordance with the customs of the African aristocracy, and would also have<br>
+called forth general admiration for the man who preferred to burn rather<br>
+than to marry.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<br><br>
+
+<p>City Hamlets vs. Rural Ditto.</p>
+
+<p>
+The leading cities of late have grown almost wild with excitement over<br>
+their HAMLETS; but in country localities, the hamlets are marked for<br>
+quietude, and a refreshing freedom from all that is stagey, except,<br>
+perhaps, stage-coaches.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+
+<hr>
+<center>
+<img alt="07.jpg (198K)" src="images/07.jpg" height="653" width="933">
+</center>
+<center>
+<h3>
+ORANGE-PEEL, ET. CETERA.</h3>
+</center>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>
+PUNCHINELLO, ever ready to hail with acclamation all that is for the<br>
+welfare of his fellow-men, is delighted to learn that an<br>
+"Anti-Orange-peel-and-Banana-skin Association" has been organized in the<br>
+city of New-York. The great number of severe accidents annually caused by<br>
+the idiotic custom of casting orange-peel and such other lubricious<br>
+integuments recklessly about the side-walks, has long furnished a topic for<br>
+public animadversion. Some of our leading citizens have taken the matter in<br>
+hand&mdash;or, to speak more correctly, on foot. The picture at the top of this<br>
+page gives a life-like representation of the Association referred to,<br>
+engaged in their benevolent work of removing from the side-walk with their<br>
+Boots all such fragments as might tend to the development of Slippers. The<br>
+Association has PUNCHINELLO'S best wishes. The Orange-Outangs who render<br>
+the side-walks dangerous have his worst.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<hr>
+<center>
+<h3>
+HAMLET FROM A RURAL POINT.</h3></center>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>The Great FECHTER as HAMLET has given us another proof of the brilliant<br>
+imagination of Mr. DICKENS. The play is so well known that a synopsis of it<br>
+is unnecessary. Yet a few words on the subject.</p>
+
+<p>An economical mother in high society permits baked meats left from a<br>
+funeral festival to be served at a subsequent entertainment. Her son takes<br>
+umbrage at this; becomes morose and sullen; affects spiritualism and<br>
+private theatricals. This leads to serious family difficulties, culminating<br>
+in a domestic broil of unusual violence. The intellectual aim of the piece<br>
+is to show the extraordinary loquacity of a Danish Prince. The moral<br>
+inculcated by it is, "Spare the rod and spoil the child." It is replete<br>
+with quotations from the best authors, and contains many passages of marked<br>
+ability. Its literary merit is unquestionable, though it lacks the vivacity<br>
+of BOUCICAULT, and possesses no situation of such intense interest as the<br>
+scene in ROSINA MEADOWS where the heroine starts for Boston.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. FECHTER presents HAMLET as a perfect "flaxy;" partly in deference to<br>
+the present popularity of the tint, and partly to show a marked contrast<br>
+with his OTHELLO, which character he always makes up as a male brunette.<br>
+His countenance is of great breadth and flexibility, ranging in its full<br>
+compass from the Placid Babe to the Outraged Congressman. His voice extends<br>
+from B flat <i>profundo</i> to the <i>ut de poitrine piccolo</i>. The<br>
+emotional nature of HAMLET gives him opportunity to exhibit both of these<br>
+wonderful organs, and in <i>tutta forza</i> passages, where he forces them<br>
+to their utmost power, the effect is exhilarating.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. FECHTER is polished. He does not hesitate to correct the sometimes rude<br>
+and occasionally offensive remarks of HAMLET. Mr. FECHTER is refined. He<br>
+permits "no maggots in a dead dog." He substitutes "trichinae in<br>
+prospective pork." Fashionable patrons will appreciate this. They cherish<br>
+poodles, particularly post-mortem; they disdain swine. Mr. FECHTER is<br>
+polite. He excludes "the insolence of office," and "the cutpurse of the<br>
+empire and the rule." Collector BAILEY'S "fetch" sits in front. Mr. FECHTER<br>
+is fastidious. He omits the prefatory remarks to "assume a virtue," but<br>
+urges his mother to seek relief in Chicago. Considering her frivolous<br>
+conduct and the acrid colloquy consequent upon the comparison of<br>
+photographs, this is filial as well as affectionate.</p>
+
+<p>Minor actors must, of course, be precluded from liberties with the text;<br>
+but presuming the alterations in question to be the result of a<br>
+consultation with Mr. DICKENS, we must rejoice that SHAKESPEARE is being<br>
+toned to good society. We commend the improved readings to the delicate<br>
+susceptibilities of the community.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. FECHTER is a great genius. Distinguished talent is occasionally needed<br>
+to elevate the national taste. How we have outraged theatrical proprieties<br>
+by applauding WALLACK and BOOTH and DAVENPORT!<br>
+FORREST, forget us. FECHTER,<br>
+forgive us.</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<hr>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>Epitaph on a Defunct Boarding-House.</p>
+
+<p>Peace to its Hashes!</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>Apropos of Small-salaried Husbands, who have Extravagant Wives.</p>
+
+<p>"A little earning is a dangerous thing."</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>The Mormon's Motto</p>
+
+<p>Bring 'em Young.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<hr>
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="08.jpg (279K)" src="images/08.jpg" height="999" width="709">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<hr>
+
+<center>
+<h3>
+JUMBLES.</h3></center>
+
+
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<img alt="09.jpg (115K)" src="images/09.jpg" height="623" width="407">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+
+</td><td>
+<p>Truth to tell, I <i>don't</i> like neighbors. I <i>do</i> like
+civilization. The trouble is, neighbors are not always civilized.
+PUNCHINELLO will be impressed with the fact before becoming a single
+weekling. The first floor may be ever so nice, quiet, well-dressed, proper
+folks&mdash;but those dreadful musical people in the attic! I hate musical
+people; that is, when in the chrysalis state of learning. Practice makes
+perfect, indeed; but practice also makes a great deal of noise. Noise is
+another of my constitutional dislikes. If these matters must be divided,
+give me the melody, and whoever else will, may take the noise. The truth
+is, my dear PUNCHINELLO&mdash;and I may as well begin calling you what the
+public will do one of these early days&mdash;there is nothing like notes. But
+bank-notes are my weakness. My weakness in that direction is, I may
+confidently state, very strong. The ladies are not the only greenbacks that
+are accepted at sight; and acceptable to it. The bank on which I should
+like to dwell&mdash;do you not guess it?&mdash;is the auriferous National. Those
+musical neighbors-how they do play, though! But, to borrow from Mr. SLANG,
+my queer neighbor opposite, they have about played out. Our gentlemanly
+landlord&mdash;all landlords are so very gentlemanly, kind, good, and
+considerate&mdash;Mr. GRABB, says it don't pay to keep such tenants.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>"Mr. GRABB, pay&mdash;pray, why don't it pay?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, Mr. TODD, why, sir&mdash;because <i>they</i> don't pay. D'ye see it, Mr.<br>
+TODD?"</p>
+
+<p>Mr. TODD did see it.</p>
+
+<p>"Music hath charms," and all that fine thing; but it can't evidently charm<br>
+a landlord, as at present constructed, into the faith that the notes of a<br>
+fiddle, a clarionet, a bugle, or a trombone are negotiable at the corner<br>
+grocery, or in Wall and State streets.</p>
+
+<p>Going from bars to banks is a distance. But when I go anywhere, I like to<br>
+have it distant. The enjoyment is invariably greater. It saves my tailors,<br>
+hatters, restaurant keepers, and some others, the expense and trouble of<br>
+too much correspondence. Such isn't good for the brain&mdash;especially where it<br>
+is small, and easily overtaxed. "Distance lends enchantment to the view."<br>
+May I ask, is or was distance in the brokerage line that it lent<br>
+enchantment to the view? and what might possibly have been the conditions<br>
+on which the loan was made? The man who leaves his country for its (and<br>
+his) good has an especial fondness for the distant. The further off the<br>
+nearer he feels like home. Australia is an El Dorado&mdash;the antipodes a<br>
+celestial region. The intervening sea is one over which the most<br>
+penetrating of argus-eyed policemen or sheriffs, can not see. Australia&mdash;is<br>
+it not the land of gold? Who that has poached a pile does not gravitate<br>
+there, as the needle to the pole? Of course, I do not mean the<br>
+sewing-machine needle.</p>
+
+<p>Some people think California greater. I don't. The greatness of a country<br>
+does not in all cases turn on its great rogues. New-York and Washington may<br>
+not assent; but, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, isn't it so? These may give it character,<br>
+but of the sort nobody is anxious to carry in his pocket as a wedge by<br>
+which to enter good, genteel society. "Character," says a leading mind, "is<br>
+every thing." Quite true; and if of the right sort, will take a man<br>
+speedily to the noose. Biddy can get the most stunning of characters at the<br>
+first corner for half a week's wages or&mdash;stealings. As a general thing, I<br>
+don't believe in characters, and for the reason that a large portion of my<br>
+acquaintances&mdash;I go into society a great deal&mdash;do not appear to have a bit<br>
+of the article. They say it is unnecessary; that "society" don't demand it;<br>
+and that to have it is like travelling with baggage which is mere rubbish.<br>
+My elastic but excellent friend JENKINS says the only sense that can be put<br>
+on society market to practical advantage is the uncommon scamp. Common<br>
+sense, so-called, is a drug. Old Mr. MATTEROFACT&mdash;who heeds him or his?<br>
+He's always pushed into the corner, or crowded to the back seat. Sensible<br>
+people, the world being judges, are a mistake. They were born and educated<br>
+that way. They don't definitely belong anywhere. Trespassers, interlopers,<br>
+impertinents-why should they be tolerated? Doesn't CONGRESSMAN SURFACE, of<br>
+the Forty-fourth District, rule the roast? Isn't Mrs. SIMPLE the pattern<br>
+Woman of the Swell-Front avenue? Who so charming as Widow MILKWATER? Common<br>
+sense might have done once, but that was when the world was younger and yet<br>
+more old-fashioned. It isn't available now. Rust never shines. Out upon it,<br>
+or let it get out. The best place, I would suggest, is out of town&mdash;and in<br>
+the woods. Strangers always make people feel uncomfortable.</p>
+
+<p>Need I hint just now that it is Lent? Lent is suggestive. It suggests some<br>
+of my best books. Books are the best of friends. They are honest. They say<br>
+what they feel, and feel what they say. Like other blessings, too, they<br>
+often take to wings and fly; and it proves to be a fly that never returns.<br>
+A good book is a joy forever. The only sad thing about it is, that it keeps<br>
+lent all the time&mdash;not so much piously as profanely. Am I my brother's<br>
+keeper? No. But my brother is quite too often a keeper of mine&mdash;of mine own<br>
+choice authors. The best of friends are, of course&mdash;like the best of<br>
+steaks&mdash;rather rare. Like honest men they count only one in ten<br>
+thousand&mdash;an extremely small per cent in a commercial point of view.<br>
+Books&mdash;what should we do without them? What may we not do with them, if it<br>
+were not for the season of Lent?</p>
+
+<p>I am something of a politician. My friends do not think I am. But they are<br>
+prejudiced&mdash;friends always are. I go, on principle, for the greatest good<br>
+of the greatest number. You know that humble, initial figure. I confess to<br>
+a love of loaves and fishes. A nice French loaf, and a delicious salmon in<br>
+the suburbs of green peas&mdash;who wouldn't be a politician about that time? I<br>
+have run for office&mdash;and at least half a dozen times. But, bless you, I<br>
+never caught it. Some big, burly, brainless cur of a fellow was always<br>
+ahead of me. Very queer in politics&mdash;the less the head the more one gets<br>
+ahead. A head is little or nothing; but face, cheek, assurance&mdash;such is<br>
+much; is every thing. What are politics but audacity? what professions of<br>
+public good but pretences for private pap? I like politics. Politics,<br>
+however, don't seem to like me. I call myself a patriot; but, strangely<br>
+enough, or otherwise, I have never been called to fill a patriot's<br>
+office&mdash;say for $5000 and upward per year. As for a patriot's grave&mdash;it's a<br>
+fine thing, no doubt, but I have never regarded it as my "mission" to fill<br>
+that. It affects one's activity and usefulness, and cuts off going to<br>
+FECHTER BOOTH, <i>Frou-Frou</i>, the <i>Twelve Temptations</i>, and opera.<br>
+I declined all such honors during the war, and on principle; the principal<br>
+thing being that I had no taste for lead and iron. Iron, I know, is good<br>
+for the blood; but taken in bullets, it lessens instead of increases the<br>
+circulation. These metals are quite too much for a delicate stomach. Shells<br>
+as a drink I like; shells as bombs I do <i>not</i> like. They are<br>
+unhealthy. As a beverage I can surround it several times a day, and bless<br>
+the climate that grows it, and the cask that makes it. But of shells, as of<br>
+company, I prefer to make my choice. I, too, have my choice of office. I am<br>
+strong and can draw well. My <i>forte</i> is drawing salary. That may not<br>
+be the highest form of art, but it is unquestionably artful. Moreover, it<br>
+is the one mankind, if it could, would cultivate with the most assiduity.<br>
+It is the plaster every man would put to his back.</p>
+
+<p>As a politician I believe in myself first, my pocket second, my country<br>
+third. This platform is strong and satisfactory&mdash;at least to your friend,</p>
+
+<p>TIMOTHY TODD.</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+
+<hr>
+<center>
+<h3>ALBANY COCK-ROBINS.</h3></center>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;Who killed the Charter?<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;I, says the <i>Herald</i>,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;With wit <i>&agrave; la</i> JERROLD.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;As Assemblymen I ferruled,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;And I killed the Charter.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;Who killed the Charter?<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;I, says the <i>World</i>,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;With my blunders hurled<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;And black flag unfurled,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;And I killed the Charter.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;Who killed the Charter?<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;I, says the <i>Sun</i>,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;With my sensation fun,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Or my Sol-ferino gun,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;And I killed the Charter.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;Who killed the Charter?<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;I, says PUNCHINELLO,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;With my wit so mellow,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;I was the very fellow<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Who killed off the Charter.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<hr>
+<center>
+<h3>
+THE DWARF DEJECTED.</h3>
+</center>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>
+A pathetic recital for the benefit of you, or me, or any other snail who<br>
+may want a tortoise-shell.</p>
+
+<p>In what year, or under what king Bezoman, lived he, no matter. Suffice it<br>
+to know he still survives.</p>
+
+<p>Once he was happy!</p>
+
+<p>Once, whene'er the eventide flooded the earth with effulgent glory, and<br>
+each little star began to wonder who I was, to the loftiest turret of his<br>
+quite commodious castle this dwarf would climb, and muse upon sciology and<br>
+the cosmic forces.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<img alt="castle.jpg (71K)" src="images/castle.jpg" height="614" width="405">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+
+</td><td>
+
+<p>"Oh! Life is joy&mdash;is peace to me!" would he cry, ever and anon.</p>
+
+<p>And ever an anonymous owl would scream, "To whoo? To whoo?"</p>
+
+<p>Upon one eventful eve he sat upon his turret.</p>
+
+<p>Gazing around, he sprang upon his feet.</p>
+
+<p>"What, ho!" he cried, as a glimmer of light shot across the surface of the
+lake, "What, ho! A light in the ship-house! Tis the red light of danger! I
+forbode."</p>
+
+<p>Glancing around and beneath him, he perceived that the stucco was peeling
+from his favorite turret. "Here is danger, indeed!" he said; and loudly
+shouted for his ah! too dilatory servant to bring the ladder by which he
+ascended and descended his lofty pinnacle. At last the servant came, and he
+was a new and somewhat weighty waiter youth.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah! big lad&mdash;!" then said the dwarf.</p>
+
+<p>"I am glad, good sir," replied the boy.</p>
+
+<p>"I would have the big ladder!" cried his master.</p>
+
+<p>"I can't be gladder," said the boy.</p>
+
+<p>The dwarf looked pityingly down upon the youth for several moments.</p>
+
+<p>"Are you a natural-born fool?" said he.</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>The boy advanced to the edge of the roof, made a bow, placed one arm at<br>
+right angles before him, while the other hung by his side, and thus he sang<br>
+his song:</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;"I've never been to public school,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;My vaccination did not take.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Perhaps I will grow up a fool;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;But that my heart will never break.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;I would not win in learning's race,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Nor e'er be rich and lose my looks;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;I think that a small-pocked face<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Is worse than e'en small pocket-books.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Then, didy fol, la, la, la, la!&mdash;"</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<br>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>"Stop!" cried the now enraged dwarf. "Begone! ere I, base boy! shall heave<br>
+the turret down."</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly," replied the youth. "Big, ornary, base boy shall leave thee to<br>
+rot down. Oh! yes; of course, of course!" And away he went.</p>
+
+<p>The Court fool came at last and let his master down.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! ho!" said he of the motley, as the dwarf came slowly down the ladder.<br>
+"Thou art now the first descendant of thy house."</p>
+
+<p>The dwarf laughed, and fell the rest of the way. "No matter!" he cried,<br>
+rubbing his shins. "My house shall follow me. It shall come down too. I am<br>
+going to have it all built up anew."</p>
+
+<p>"Bravo!" said the clown. "I thought you were too happy."</p>
+
+<p>On the next day the door-bell of the castle rang, and soon a varlet came to<br>
+fast inform my lord the dwarf that in the parlor waited now a giant, and on<br>
+the card he gave his name was written, "S.T. Mate." The dwarf unto his<br>
+parlor quick repaired, and there, upon some dozen chairs the giant sat,<br>
+smiling benign.</p>
+
+<p>"Hail to thee! good Sir Dwarf," spake the mammoth, and rising and folding<br>
+his arms across his breast, he sang, in royal bass, his song:</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;"I hear that thou, O neighbor brave!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Thy edifice anew would build.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;I come to much vain labor save.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;If thou to hear me now art willed."</p>
+
+<p>"Proceed," said the dwarf, seating himself upon a piano-stool, and screwing
+himself up until he was near the ceiling and on a level with the singer's
+head. The giant proceeded:</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;"If thou shouldst build thy house thyself,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;The cost thou surely ne'er would know;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;But if I take the job, my friend.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;You'll see where every cent will go."</p>
+
+<p>"I like that," said the dwarf. "Pray sing some more."</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;"I'll tell you just what it will cost;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;And all that you will have to do<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Will be to travel for a time,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Whilst I your castle build anew."</p>
+
+<p>"That's capital!" cried the delighted dwarf. "It would suit me exactly.
+Warble me yet other wood notes wild."</p>
+
+
+<p>The giant sang on:</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;"A castle such as you will want<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Will cost you eighty pounds&mdash;or so.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;I'll charge you nothing for my time;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;You'll see where every cent will go."</p>
+
+
+</td><td>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<img alt="10.jpg (112K)" src="images/10.jpg" height="789" width="370">
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+
+
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>The dwarf revolved himself rapidly, and quickly reached the floor.</p>
+
+<p>"The concert's over!" he cried, "and here's a check for eighty pounds.<br>
+Proceed! Tear down; construct! I leave tonight for foreign parts. Write me<br>
+when all is done. Adieu."</p>
+
+<p>The interview terminated.</p>
+
+<p>The clown, who had overheard this fair discourse, now left the castle; and<br>
+retiring to a secluded spot, where&mdash;a willow drooped sadly o'er the brook,<br>
+he laid him down and died.</p>
+
+<p>The dwarf to foreign parts now hied, and when twelve months had passed, and<br>
+he had had no news of his grand castle, he returned home.</p>
+
+<p>He found the castle finished&mdash;all but the roof and walls. The deep cellars,<br>
+with their marble copings just peeping 'neath the heavy mass of weeds that<br>
+clustered to their very edge, were dark and solemn. The sly fox slunk along<br>
+their passages, and grim serpents reared their heads from many a gloomy<br>
+corner.</p>
+
+<p>The dwarf, he gazed in silence!</p>
+
+<p>By heavy sighs his breast was heaven, and black thoughts made his soul like<br>
+Hades!</p>
+
+<p>Anon he mounted in hot haste, and rode unto the giant's castle on the<br>
+distant hills. By sundown, the dwarf he saw on the horizon a great blue<br>
+mass, the sight of which did move his inmost being.</p>
+
+<p>"It is his castle!" quoth he, and he gave his steed free rein.</p>
+
+<p>The interview was terrible!</p>
+
+<p>All the domestics fled and hid themselves in distant dells.</p>
+
+<p>At last the dwarf, exhausted by vituperation, sank upon the flagstones of<br>
+the court-yard. Then folded the giant his arms and sang his song:</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<br>
+
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;"Oh! hear me now, misguided dwarf,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Eight thousand pound more I must ask.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Materials, and labor too,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;All rose since I began my task.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;Among the things we can't divine.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Are values of such terms as 'so;'<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;But I've all items entered straight,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Where all the money goes you'll know."</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<br>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>The dwarf gave one quick savage glance at the pocket of the giant, S.T.<br>
+MATE, and then, without a word, he proudly crossed the drawbridge.</p>
+
+<p>But he had not long left the castle at his back ere dejection crept upon<br>
+him and never left him more.</p>
+
+<p>The dwarf he did his cellar reach, fainting, almost bereft of speech; and<br>
+as his men he staggered by, with panting breast and haggard eye,</p>
+
+<p>"Minstrel!" he cried, "O laggard! I for deepest depths of Lethe long. Get<br>
+thy guitar and sing a song!"</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<br>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>The minstrel sang:</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;"O Estimate!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Thy name is great,<br>
+MEDUSA's head thou sure must own.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Do as we will,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Thy coming still<br>
+Turns all our hard-earned cash to stone."</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<br>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>The dwarf, now sunk in Lethe's mud, did snore; knowing the sign, the<br>
+minstrel then forbore.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="11.jpg (200K)" src="images/11.jpg" height="595" width="921">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+<hr>
+<br>
+<center>
+<h3>
+ODE TO THE MISSING COLLECTOR.</h3>
+
+<h4>BY REGALIA REYNA.</h4></center>
+<br>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Where are <i>you now</i>, MR. BAILEY?<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;We've been looking for you daily,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Sometimes sadly, sometimes gayly,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Ever since the week begun.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Loving you so dear as we do,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Doting on you, doubting for you,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Looking for you, longing for you,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Waiting for you, watching for you,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Fearing you have cut and run,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Ere your heavy task was done<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;In cigars, and snuff, and rum;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Spoiling for us lots of fun,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;And racy items for <i>The Sun</i>,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;In the seizure rows begun,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;And the heavy raids to come.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Think of poor, forsaken KIRBY,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Think of honest-scented HARVEY!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Your desertion, J. F. BAILEY,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"Busts" our glorious Trinity;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Robs the law of subtlety,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Knocks our look for <i>moietie</i>,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Knocks that Jersey property!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;So much whisky all set free:<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Where is SHIELDS to get his fee?<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Think of melancholy PUFFER,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;What the aged CHILDS must suffer!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;JOSHUA F., the noble buffer,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"Lost to sight, to memory dear,"<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Think of energetic VAIL<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Looking round to get his bail,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;While you're riding on a rail,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Or on ocean gayly sail<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;For UNCLE BULL'S dominion!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;How could you thus fly the track<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;With so many stores to "crack,"<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;And COLUMBUS at your back<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;To defy the whiskey pack<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;And popular opinion?<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Whiskey "fellers" feeling badly,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Cigar-sellers smoking madly,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Bondsmen looking sorely, sadly,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;If their signatures are clear,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;If you will not cost them dear,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;If in court they must appear<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Mournfully, in doubt and fear.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Oh! you weak, unfeeling cuss,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;To get them in this shocking muss;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;How their pocket-books will rue it!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;J.F.B., how <i>could</i> you do it?<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Are you putting for the West,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Did you take French leave for Brest,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Have you feathered well your nest,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Do you sweetly take your rest;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Say, whom <i>do</i> you like the best&mdash;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;COOK, or JENKS, or FULLERTON?<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Would you, JOSH, believe it true,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;At the moment, sir, when you<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Waited for that verdict blue,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;O'er the wires the message flew,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Paid or franked by BOUTWELL through:<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;"The gig is up; the cuss won't do.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Put the district Thirty-two<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Under General PLEASANTON."<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Oh! the vile ingratitude;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Of Statesmen in this latitude;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Worse than DELANO'S attitude.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Say, what is your longitude,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;East or West from Washington?</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<hr>
+
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>"Fox"-y.</p>
+
+<p>FECHTER'S wig in HAMLET.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>"Echoes of the Clubs."</p>
+
+<p>SOUND of the policemen's <i>batons</i> on the sidewalk.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>Over and Under.</p>
+
+<p>INDIANA is said to be "going over" her divorce laws. She has certainly gone<br>
+long enough under them.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>Our Bullet-in.</p>
+
+<p>THE government has so many bad guns on hand that it deserves to be called,<br>
+"A snapper-up of unconsidered Rifles."</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>Every Little Helps.</p>
+
+<p>THE British newspapers say that ARTHUR HELPS writes the PRINCE OF WALES'S<br>
+speeches. Now, if ARTHUR HELPS the Prince, who helps ARTHUR?</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<hr>
+<br><br>
+
+<center>
+<img alt="12.jpg (103K)" src="images/12.jpg" height="578" width="471">
+</center>
+<br>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>Mr. DRAKE, who has been studying elocution under a graduate of the Old<br>
+Bowery, and has acquired a most tragic croak, which, with a little rouge<br>
+and burnt cork, and haggard hair, gives him a truly awful aspect, remarked<br>
+that the soil of the South was clotted with blood by fiends in human shape,<br>
+(sensation in the diplomatic gallery.) The metaphor might be meaningless;<br>
+but it struck him it was strong. These fiends were doubly protected by<br>
+midnight and the mask. In his own State the Ku-Klux ranged together with<br>
+the fierce whang-doodle. His own life had been threatened. (Faint<br>
+applause.) He had received an express package marked in large letters,<br>
+"D.H." The President of the United States, an expert in express packages,<br>
+had told him this meant "Dead Head." Was this right? Hah! Bellud!! Gore was<br>
+henceforth his little game. He would die in his seat. (Great cheering,<br>
+which rendered the remainder of the senator's remarks inaudible.)</p>
+
+<p>The case of the admission of General AMES as a senator from Mississippi<br>
+came up. Senator CONKLING said that he had no objection to AMES in<br>
+particular; but in Brigadier-General, he considered the principle of<br>
+letting in men who elected themselves to be bad. Notoriously, General AMES<br>
+did not live in Mississippi. He considered this rather creditable to<br>
+General AMES'S good sense than otherwise. But did it not operate as a<br>
+trivial disqualification against his coming here to represent Mississippi?<br>
+Besides, if generals were allowed to elect themselves, where would it end?<br>
+General AUGUR, he believed, commanded the Indian district. He would send<br>
+himself to the Senate from that region, and be howling about the Piegan<br>
+massacre and such outrages upon his constituents, with which the Senate had<br>
+been sickened already. In that case AUGUR, he grieved to say, would be a<br>
+Bore. Then there is CANBY, who commands in Virginia. CANBY would like to be<br>
+a senator, no doubt, like other people who never tried it; and he will be<br>
+if he CANBY. A distinguished friend of his in the other house, whom it<br>
+would be detrimental to the public service for him to name, if this<br>
+military representation were to be recognized, instead of sitting for a<br>
+district in Massachusetts, would represent Dutch Gap. They had already, in<br>
+his friend from Missouri, a representative of the German Flats; and he<br>
+submitted that a member from Dutch Gap would be two tonic for the body<br>
+politic.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. HOWARD was in favor of the admission of AMES. He considered the<br>
+arguments of the last speaker paltry, and his puns beneath contempt. What<br>
+difference did it make whether AMES represented Mississippi or not?<br>
+Mississippi was disloyal, and didn't deserve to have any representative.<br>
+AMES was a good fellow, and a good officer. Besides, he had been through<br>
+West-Point and knew something. He understood he played a very fair game of<br>
+billiards, and he would be an ornament to the Senate. Let us let him in.<br>
+The Senate had already let in REVELS, who had been sent by AMES; and it was<br>
+absurd to keep out AMES, who was the master of the REVELS. He considered<br>
+that, in the language of a manly sport with which senators were familiar,<br>
+he "saw" Senator CONKLING'S puns, and went several better, though he did<br>
+not wish to be considered a better himself.</p>
+
+<p>All this time, singular to say, Senator SUMNER remained silent.</p>
+
+<p>
+HOUSE.</p>
+
+<p>
+The House had a little amusement over polygamy in Utah. That institution<br>
+shocks Mr. WARD, of New-York, and naturally also Mr. BUTLER, of<br>
+Massachusetts. Mr. WARD was astonished to see any member standing up in<br>
+defence of polygamy in the nineteenth century. If some member should stand<br>
+up in any other century and defend it, it would not astonish him at all. It<br>
+was sheer inhumanity to refuse to come to the rescue of our suffering<br>
+brethren in Utah. How a man who had one wife could consent to see fellow-<br>
+creatures writhing under the infliction of two or three each, was what, Mr.<br>
+WARD remarked, got over him. Mr. BUTLER pointed out how much money the<br>
+Mormons had made.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Cox did not see why we should interfere by force to prevent a man's<br>
+marrying as many wives as he chose. Such a man was his own worst enemy; and<br>
+his crime carried its own punishment.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. HOOPER, of Utah, said the bill was an outrage. By all the wives that he<br>
+held most sacred, he felt impelled to resent it. MOSES was a polygamist;<br>
+hence his meekness. If this sort of thing was continued, no man's wives<br>
+would be safe. His own partners would be torn from him, and turned out upon<br>
+the world. He scorned to select from among them. Take all or none.</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<hr>
+<center><h3>
+THE MARRIAGE MARKET IN ROME.</h3></center>
+
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>
+The business of catching impecunious counts, of magnetizing bankrupt<br>
+marquises, and of plucking penniless princes, as practised by American<br>
+women, appears to absorb all the attention in Rome at present. The rage for<br>
+titles is said to be so great among some classes of Americans resident in<br>
+the Holy City, that the only song one hears at evening parties and<br>
+receptions is the one commencing,</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;"When I can read my title clear."</p>
+
+<p>We should not be surprised any day to hear that a marriage market had been<br>
+opened on one of the plazas of Rome, the quotations of which would read<br>
+something after this fashion: Husbands dull and declining; American<br>
+beauties more active; foreign mammas less firm; American securities in<br>
+great demand; the market in princes somewhat stronger; holders of titles<br>
+much sought after; brains without money a drug in the market; "bogus"<br>
+counts at a discount; the genealogy market panicky and falling; the stock<br>
+of nobility rapidly depreciating; the pedigree exchange market flat and<br>
+declining, etc., etc. This traffic in titles, this barter in dowries, this<br>
+swapping of "blood" for dollars, is an offense too rank for words to embody<br>
+it. The trade in cadetships is mild in comparison with it, because in these<br>
+commercial transactions with counts, while one party may be the purchaser,<br>
+both parties are inevitably seen to be sold. The business may only be<br>
+excusable on the theory that "an even exchange is no robbery." But so long<br>
+as brains are not bartered for a title, or beauty sacrificed for a<br>
+pedigree, we should not complain. Of money, there is plenty in America;<br>
+and, while marquises are in the market, let Shoddy continue to pipe for its<br>
+own. A fig for Macbeth's philosophy that "blood will have blood." We modify<br>
+it in these degenerate days to "blood will have money:"</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;"Maidens, like moths, are ever caught by glare;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;And Mammon wins his way where Seraphs might despair."</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<hr>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;"The Lay of the Last Minstrel."</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;"SHOO FLY, don't bodder me."</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>"Benedict's Time."</p>
+
+<p>THE honeymoon.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>Homoeopathic Cure for Hydrophobia.</p>
+
+<p>BARK.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>Ode to my Washerwoman.</p>
+
+<p>$2 50.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<br><br>
+
+
+<center>
+<img alt="advert2.jpg (217K)" src="images/advert2.jpg" height="1132" width="757">
+</center>
+
+
+<hr>
+<center>
+<img alt="13.jpg (136K)" src="images/13.jpg" height="769" width="601">
+</center>
+
+<hr>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>Harper's Periodicals.</p>
+
+<p>Magazine. Weekly. Bazar.</p>
+
+<p><i>Subscription Price, $4 per year each. $10 for the three.</i></p>
+
+<p>An Extra Copy of either the MAGAZINE, WEEKLY, or BAZAR will be supplied<br>
+gratis for every Club of Five Subscribers at $4 each, in one remittance;<br>
+or, Six Copies for $20.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>HARPER'S CATALOGUE</p>
+
+<p>May be obtained gratuitously on application to Harper &amp; Brothers<br>
+personally, or by letter, inclosing six cents in postage-stamps.</p>
+
+<p><i>HARPER &amp; BROTHERS, New-York</i>.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>HENRY L. STEPHENS,</p>
+
+<p>
+ARTIST,</p>
+
+<p>
+No. 160 Fulton Street,</p>
+
+<p>
+NEW-YORK.</p>
+
+<p>
+Important to Newsdealers!</p>
+
+<p>
+ALL ORDERS FOR</p>
+
+<p>
+PUNCHINELLO</p>
+
+<p>
+Will be supplied by</p>
+
+<p>
+OUR SOLE ANB EXCLUSIVE AGENTS,</p>
+
+<p>
+American News Co.</p>
+
+<p>
+NEW-YORK.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>PUNCHINELLO:</p>
+
+<p>
+TERMS TO CLUBS.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS</p>
+
+<p>
+FIRST:</p>
+
+<p>
+<i>DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER</i>,</p>
+
+<p>The most complete and desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning<br>
+purposes.</p>
+
+<p>
+SECOND:</p>
+
+<p>
+<i>BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES</i>.</p>
+
+<p>
+These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful;<br>
+and every lady should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind of<br>
+crochet or fancy work upon them.</p>
+
+<p>
+THIRD:</p>
+
+<p><i>BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER</i>.</p>
+
+<p>This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It knits every<br>
+thing.</p>
+
+<p>
+FOURTH:</p>
+
+<p><i>AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE</i>.</p>
+
+<p>This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on all<br>
+former machines. No. 1, with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and Cover,<br>
+complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole parts,<br>
+etc., price, $60.</p>
+
+<p>
+WE WILL SEND THE</p>
+
+<p>Family Spinner, &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;price, $8, for 4 subscribers and $16.<br>
+No. 1 Crochet, &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;price, &nbsp;8, for 4 subscribers and 16.<br>
+No. 2 Crochet, &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;price, 15, for 6 subscribers and 24.<br>
+No. 1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles, &nbsp;price, 30, for 12 subscribers and 48.<br>
+No. 2 Automatic Knitter, 84 needles, &nbsp;price, 33, for 13 subscribers and 52.<br>
+No. 3 Automatic Knitter, 100 needles, price, 37, for 15 subscribers and 60.<br>
+No. 4 Automatic Knitter, 2 cylinders }<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;1 72 needles}price, 40, for 16 subscribers and 64.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;1 100 needles}</p>
+
+<p>No. 1 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, price, $75, for 30<br>
+subscribers and &pound;120.<br>
+No. 2 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, without buttonhole<br>
+parts, etc. price, 60, for 25 subscribers and 100.</p>
+
+<p>
+Descriptive Circulars</p>
+
+<p>
+Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and<br>
+full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers.</p>
+
+<p>Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct<br>
+seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers<br>
+and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send<br>
+single names as they obtain they them, deducting the commission.</p>
+
+<p>Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts on<br>
+New-York City; or if these can not be obtained, then by Registered Letters,<br>
+which any post-master will furnish. Charges on money sent by express must<br>
+be prepaid, or the net amount only will be credited.</p>
+
+<p>Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit to prevent<br>
+error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and State.</p>
+
+<p>The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable quarterly<br>
+in advance, at the place where it was received. Subscribers in the British<br>
+Provinces will remit twenty cents in addition to subscription.</p>
+
+<p>All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to</p>
+
+<p>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY P. O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street,<br>
+NEW-YORK</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 2, April 9,
+1870, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, APRIL 9, 1870 ***
+
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+</pre>
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+</body>
+</html>
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+Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 2, April 9, 1870, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 2, April 9, 1870
+
+Author: Various
+
+Posting Date: January 18, 2013 [EBook #9481]
+Release Date: December, 2005
+First Posted: October 4, 2003
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, APRIL 9, 1870 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Marvin
+A. Hodges and the Online Distributed Proofreaders
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+"The Printing House of the United States,"
+
+GEO. F. NESBITT & CO.,
+
+General JOB PRINTERS,
+BLANK BOOK Manufacturers,
+STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail,
+LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers,
+COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers,
+CARD Manufacturers,
+ENVELOPE Manufacturers,
+FINE CUT and COLOR Printers.
+
+163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST.,
+73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New-York.
+
+ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under the immediate
+supervision of the proprietors.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WALTHAM WATCHES.
+
+3-4 PLATE.
+
+_16 and 30 Sizes._
+
+To the manufacture of these fine Watches the Company have devoted all the
+science and skill in the art at their command, and confidently claim that,
+for fineness and beauty, no less than for the greater excellences of
+mechanical and scientific correctness of design and execution, these
+watches are unsurpassed anywhere.
+
+In this country the manufacture of this fine grade of Watches is not even
+attempted except at Waltham.
+
+FOR SALE BY ALL LEADING JEWELLERS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOLLER'S PUREST NORWEGIAN
+
+COD-LIVER OIL.
+
+
+"Of late years it has become almost impossible to get any Cod-Liver Oil
+that patients can digest, owing to the objectionable mode of procuring and
+preparing the livers....Moller, of Christiana, Norway, prepares an oil
+which is perfectly pure, and in every respect all that can be wished."--
+DR. L. A. SAYRE, before Academy of Medicine. See _Medical Record_,
+December, 1869, p. 447.
+
+
+SOLD BY DRUGGISTS,
+
+
+W. H. SCHIEFFELIN & CO.,
+
+
+Sole Agents for the United States and Canada.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Vol. 1. No. 2.]
+
+PUNCHINELLO
+
+
+SATURDAY, APRIL 9, 1870.
+
+
+PUBLISHED BY THE
+
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,
+
+
+83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCHINELLO April 9, 1870
+
+APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN
+
+"PUNCHINELLO"
+
+Should be addressed to
+
+J. NICKINSON,
+
+Room No. 4,
+
+83 NASSAU STREET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE "BREWSTER WAGON,"
+
+The Standard for Style and Quality.
+
+BREWSTER & COMPANY,
+
+of Broome Street.
+
+WAREROOMS,
+
+Fifth Avenue, corner of Fourteenth Street.
+
+ELEGANT CARRIAGES,
+
+_In all the fashionable Varieties,_
+
+EXCLUSIVELY OF OUR OWN BUILD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Thomas J. Rayner & Co.,
+
+29 LIBERTY STREET,
+
+New-York,
+
+MANUFACTURERS OF THE
+
+_Finest Cigars made in the United States._
+
+All sizes and styles. Prices very moderate. Samples sent to
+any responsible house. Also importers of the
+
+_"FUSBOS" BRAND,_
+
+Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and for ten
+ to twenty per cent cheaper.
+
+Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money by
+calling at
+
+29 LIBERTY STREET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GEO. BOWLEND,
+
+ARTIST,
+
+Room No. 11,
+
+No. 160 FULTON STREET,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEVILL & HAMMAR,
+
+Wood Engravers,
+
+No. 208 BROADWAY,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+With a large and varied experience in the management and publication of a
+paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the still more positive
+advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the undertaking, the
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING C0.
+
+OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK
+
+Presents to the public for approval, the
+
+NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL
+
+WEEKLY PAPER,
+
+PUNCHINELLO,
+
+The first number of which will be Issued under date of April 2, 1870, and
+thereafter weekly.
+
+PUNCHINELLO will be _National_, and not _local_; and will
+endeavour to become a household word in all parts of the country; and to
+that end has secured a
+
+VALUABLE CORPS OF CONTRIBUTORS
+
+in various sections of the Union, while its columns will always be open to
+appropriate first-class literary and artistic talent.
+
+PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous and witty, without
+vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It will be printed on a superior
+tinted paper of sixteen pages, size 13 by 9, and will be for sale by all
+respectable newsdealers who have the judgment to know a good thing when
+they see it, or by subscription from this office.
+
+The Artistic department will be in charge of Henry L. Stephens, whose
+celebrated cartoons in VANITY FAIR placed him in the front rank of humorous
+artists, assisted by leading artists in their respective specialties.
+
+The management of the paper will be in the hands of WILLIAM A. STEPHENS,
+with whom is associated CHARLES DAWSON SHANLY, both of whom were identified
+with VANITY FAIR.
+
+ORIGINAL ARTICLES,
+
+Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive ideas or
+sketches for Illustrations, upon the topics of the day, are always
+acceptable, and will be paid for liberally.
+
+Rejected communications can not be returned, unless postage stamps are
+inclosed.
+
+Terms:
+
+One copy, per year, in advance.................... $4.00
+
+Single copes, ten cents.
+
+A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten cents.
+
+One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine or paper
+price, $2.50, for..................... 5.50
+
+One copy, with any magazine or paper price, $4, for.... 7.00
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
+
+No. 83 Nassau Street,
+
+NEW-YORK,
+
+P.O. Box 2783.
+
+(_For terms to Clubs, see 16th page._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mercantile Library
+
+Clinton Hall, Astor Place
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+This is now the largest circulating Library In America, the number of
+volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 volumes are added each
+month; and very large purchases are made of all new and popular works.
+
+Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each delivery.
+
+TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP:
+
+TO CLERKS,
+
+$1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues.
+
+TO OTHERS, $5 a year.
+
+SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR SIX MONTHS.
+
+BRANCH OFFICES
+
+AT
+
+NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK,
+
+and at
+
+Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AMERICAN
+
+BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING
+
+AND
+
+SEWING-MACHINE CO.,
+
+563 Broadway, New-York.
+
+This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on all
+former machines, making, in addition to all the work done on best
+Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful
+
+BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES:
+
+in all fabrics.
+
+Machine, with finely finished
+
+OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER
+
+complete,$75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts, $60. This last is
+beyond all question the simplest, easiest to manage and to keep in order,
+of any machine in the market. Machines warranted, and full instruction
+given to purchasers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HENRY SPEAR
+
+STATIONER, PRINTER
+
+AND
+
+BLANK BOOK MANUFACTURER,
+
+ACCOUNT BOOKS
+
+MADE TO ORDER.
+
+PRINTING OF EVERY DESCRIPTION.
+
+82 Wall Street
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE UMBRELLA. A VIEW OF THE SHADY SIDE OF LIFE.
+
+A ripe pippin falling upon the head of Sir ISAAC NEWTON (a clear case of
+hard cider on the brain) suggested the laws of gravitation. An elderly
+countryman passing my window this clear bright day, attended by his
+faithful umbrella, suggested the following reflections.
+
+The term Umbrella comes from the Latin _umbra_, a shade--the whole
+signifying "keep shady."
+
+This definition well describes the nature of the article; for, as it
+undoubtedly "keeps shady" in fine weather when the sun is fervent, so it is
+apt to "keep shady" in rainy weather, when most wanted.
+
+It is as difficult to say when the umbrella came, or where it came from, as
+it is to tell where it goes to. Rumor hath it, however, that it came in
+(that is, out of the rain) with NOAH. The story (as given us by an
+antiquarian relative) says that when the Ark was built the camelopard was
+forgotten, and it was found necessary to cut a hole in the roof to
+accommodate the animal's neck. This done, SHEM sat upon the roof and held
+an umbrella. SHEM thus _raised_ the umbrella. Then our further
+question follows, Where did he raise it? Evidently he raised the umbrella
+on the Ark.
+
+These theories seem to us to be entitled to serious consideration; and
+certainly it is a reasonable belief that, as the present suffering from the
+high price of clothing is due to the sin of our first parents, so the
+umbrella is the curse entailed by royalty, coming in with the First Reign
+spoken of in history.
+
+The umbrella appears again in ancient time in connection with DANIEL, who,
+it is said, carried one into the lions' den. The authority for this is a
+historical painting that has fallen into the hands of an itinerant showman.
+A curious fact is stated with reference to this picture, namely, that
+DANIEL so closely resembled the lions in personal appearance that it was
+necessary for the showman to state that "DANIEL might easily be
+distinguished from the lions on account of the blue cotton umbrella under
+his right arm."
+
+For what purpose this umbrella may have been carried we can only surmise.
+
+The most probable theory is, that it was to be used there to intimidate the
+lions, as it has since been used toward mad bulls and other ferocious
+beasts.
+
+We have now taken hold pretty firmly of what may be called the handle of
+the umbrella. We have learned that, as ADAM raised CAIN, NOAH raised the
+umbrella, and DANIEL carried one.
+
+We have learned further that the umbrella carried by DANIEL was a blue
+cotton umbrella--undoubtedly the most primitive type of the umbrella.
+
+It is one of this class that your country friend brings down with him, that
+darkeneth the heavens as with a canopy and maketh you ashamed of your
+company. It is such an umbrella as this that is to be found or might have
+been found, in ancient days, in every old farm-house--one that covered the
+whole household when it went to church, occupying as much room when closed
+as would the tent of an Arab.
+
+We have heard it said that it was the impossibility of two umbrellas of
+this nature passing each other on a narrow road which led to the invention
+of covered wagons.
+
+There is nothing lovely about a blue cotton umbrella, though there may have
+been _under_ it at times and seasons. Skeletons of the species, much
+faded as to color, much weakened as to whalebone, may still be found here
+and there in backwoods settlements, where they are known as "umbrells;"
+there are but few perfect specimens in existence.
+
+The present style of the umbrella is varied, and sometimes elegant. The
+cover is of silk; the ribs are of steel oftener than of bone, and the
+handle is wrought into divers quaint and beautiful shapes. The most common
+kind is the _hooked umbrella_. Most people have hooked umbrellas--or,
+if this statement be offensive to any one, we will say that most people
+have had umbrellas hooked. The chance resemblance of this expression to one
+signifying to obstruct illegally that which properly belongs to another,
+reminds us to speak of the singular fact that the umbrella is not property.
+This is important. It rests on judicial decision, and becomes more
+important when we remember that by similar decision the negro is property,
+and that, therefore, until emancipation, the umbrella was superior to the
+negro. The judicial decision cited will be found reported in _Vanity
+Fair_, liber 3, page 265, and was on this wise: A man being arraigned
+for stealing an umbrella, pleaded that it rained at the time, and he had no
+umbrella. On these grounds he was discharged, and the judge took the
+umbrella. (We may notice here how closely this decision has been followed,
+even down to modern times, and touching other matters than umbrellas.)
+
+This established the fact that the umbrella was not property that could be
+bought, sold, and stolen, but a free gift of the manufacturer to universal
+creation. The right of ownership in umbrellas ranked henceforward with our
+right to own the American continent, being merely a right by discovery.
+
+(TO BE CONTINUED.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+Depressing for Chicago.
+
+
+The Chicago press has given up all hopes of the PRINCE OF WALES since he
+has proved his innocence in regard to Lady MORDAUNT. Chicago had begun to
+look upon him with mildly patronizing favor, when he was accused of a share
+in a really first-class divorce case; but now that his innocence is
+established, there is no longer any extenuating circumstance which can
+induce Chicago to overlook the infamous crime of his royal birth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Latest from the Isthmus of Suez.
+
+
+Of all men, the followers of MOHAMMED are the most candid; since no matter
+of what you accuse them, they always acknowledge the Koran.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Right and Left.
+
+Because the P.& O. Directors have suspended their EYRE, we are not called
+upon to suspend our anger. We decline to believe that he can justify
+himself in leaving the Oneida, however blameless he may have been in the
+matter of the collision. Because the Oneida was Left it does not follow
+that the Bombay was Right.
+
+[ILLUSTRATION:_Mr. Pugsby_. "I THINK, MY DEAR, WE'VE GIVEN HIM
+LAUDANUM ENOUGH. SUPPOSE WE TRY A LITTLE STRYCHNINE?"
+
+_Mrs. Pugsby_. "BUT MIGHTN'T THAT HURT HIM?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Mr. BOUCICAULT might properly be called the author of the elementary Drama.
+Not because his plays, like elementary lessons in French, are peculiarly
+aggravating to the well-regulated mind, but because of his fondness for
+employing one of the elements of nature--fire, water, or golden hair--in
+the production of the sensation which invariably takes place in the fourth
+or fifth act of each of his popular dramas. In the _Streets of
+New-York_, he made a hit by firing a building at the spectacularly
+disposed audience. In _Formosa_, he gave us a boat-race; and in
+_Lost at Sea_, now running at WALLACK'S, he has renewed his former
+fondness for playing with fire. The following condensed version of this
+play is offered to the readers of PUNCHINELLO, with the assurance that,
+though it may be a little more coherent than the unabridged edition, it is
+a faithful picture of the sort of thing that Mr. BOUCICAULT, aided and
+abetted by Mr. WALLACK, thinks proper to offer to the public.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LOST AT SEA.
+
+
+ACT I. _Scene_ 1. _Enter Virtuous Banker_. "I have embezzled
+WALTER CORAM'S money, and he is coming from India to claim it. I am a
+ruined man."
+
+_Enter Unprincipled Clerk_. "Not so. WALTER CORAM is lost at sea, and
+we will keep the money."
+
+_Virtuous Banker_. "Thank heaven! I am not found out, and can remain
+an honest man as usual."
+
+_Scene_ 2. _Enter Comic Villain_. "I am just released from prison
+and must soon meet my wife." (_Swears and smashes in his hat_.)
+
+_Enter Unprincipled Clerk_. "Not so. WALTER, CORAM is lost at sea.
+Personate him, draw his money, and share it with me."
+
+_Comic Villain_. "I will." (_Swears and smashes in his hat_.)
+
+_Scene_ 3. _Enter Miss Effie Germon_. (Aside.) "I am supposed to
+be a virtuous and vagabond boy. I hate to show my ankles in ragged
+trowsers, but I must." (_Shows them. Applause_)
+
+_Enter Daughter of Comic Villain_. "I love the unprincipled clerk; but
+there is a sick stranger up-stairs who pokes the fire in a way that I can
+hardly resist. Be firm, my heart. Shall I be untrue to my own unprincipled
+-----"
+
+_Enter Unprincipled Clerk_. "Not so. WALTER CORAM is lost at sea, and
+I must leave these valuable boxes in your hands for safe-keeping."
+(_Leaves the boxes, and then leaves himself_.)
+
+_Enter Sick Stranger_. "I am WALTER CORAM. Those are my boxes.
+Somebody is personating me. Big thing on somebody. Let him go ahead."
+(_Curtain_.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Young Lady in the Audience_. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON perfectly lovely?"
+
+_Accompanying Bostonian Youth_. "Yes; but you should see RISTORI in
+_Marie Antoinette_. There is a sweetness and light about the great
+tragedienne which -----"
+
+_Heavy old Party, to contiguous Young Man_. "Don't think much of this;
+do you? Now, in TOM PLACIDS's day----" _Contiguous and aggrieved Young
+Man pleads an engagement and hastily goes out_.
+
+ACT II. _Scene_ 1. _Virtuous Banker's Villa, Comic Villain,
+Unprincipled Clerk, and Wealthy Heroine dining with the Banker_.
+
+_Enter Original Coram_. "I am WALTER CORAM; but I can't prove it, the
+villains having stolen my bootjack."
+
+_Enter Comic Villain, who smashes in his hat, and swears_.
+
+_Original Coram. (Approaching him_.) "This is WALTER CORAM, I believe?
+I knew you in India. We boarded together. Don't you remember old FUTTYGHUR
+ALLAHABAD, and the rest of our set?"
+
+_Comic Villain, in great mental torture_. "Certainly; of course: I
+said so at the time." (_Swears and smashes in his hat_.) (_Exeunt
+omnes, in search of Virtuous Banker_.)
+
+_Scene_ 2. _Enter Miss Effie Germon, by climbing over the wall_.
+"I hate to climb over the wall and show my ankles in these nasty trowsers,
+but I must." (_Shows them. Applause_.)
+
+_Enter Daughter of Comic Villain_. "Great Heavings! What do I see? My
+beloved clerk offering himself to the wealthy heroine? I must faint!"
+(_Faints_.)
+
+_Enter aristocratic lover of wealthy heroine, and catches the faintress
+in his arms. Wealthy heroine catches him in the act. Tableau of virtuous
+indignation_. (_Curtain_)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Young Lady before-named_. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON perfectly sweet?"
+
+_Bostonian Youth_. "Yes; but RISTORI----"
+
+_Mighty Young Men_. "Let's go out for drinks."
+
+
+ACT III. _Scene_ 1. _Enter Daughter of Comic Villain_. "My clerk
+is false, and I don't care a straw for him. Consequently, I will drown
+myself."
+
+_Enter Original Coram_. "I am WALTER CORAM; but I can't prove it, the
+villains having stolen my Calcutta latch-key. Better not drown yourself, my
+dear. You'll find it beastly wet. Don't do it." (_She doesn't do it_.)
+(_Curtain_.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Young Lady before-named_. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON perfectly beautiful?"
+
+_Bostonian Youth_. "Yes. But at her age RISTORI----"
+
+_Heavy old Party murmurs in his sleep of ELLEN TREE. More young men go
+out to get drinks_.
+
+
+ACT IV. _Scene_ 1. _Enter Virtuous Banker_. "All is lost. There
+is a run on the bank -----"
+
+_Enter Unprincipled Clerk_. "WALTER CORAM presents check for L7 4 S.
+We have no funds. Shall we pay it?"
+
+_Enter Original Coram_. (_Aside_.) "I am WALTER CORAM; but I
+can't prove it, the villains having taken my other handkerchief. (_To the
+Banker_.) Sir, you once gave me a penny, and you have since embezzled my
+fortune. How can I repay such noble conduct? Here is a bag of gold. Take it
+and pay your creditors."
+
+_Scene_ 2. _Enter Unprincipled Clerk and Comic Villain_.
+
+_Unprincipled Clerk_. "The original CORAM has turned up. We must turn
+him down again. I will burn him in his bed to-night."
+
+_Comic Villain_. "Burn him; but don't attempt any violence." (_Swears
+and smashes in his hat_.)
+
+_Scene_ 4. _Enter Original Coram_. "I am WALTER COHAM; but I
+can't prove it--I forget precisely why. What is this in my coffee? Opium!
+It is, by SIVA, VISHNU, and others! They would fain drug my drink. Ha! Ha!
+I have drank, eaten, smoked, chewed, and snuffed opium for ninety years. I
+like it. So did my parents. I am, so to speak, the child of poppy. Ha! What
+do I see? Flames twenty feet high all around me! Can this be fire? The
+wretches mean to burn me alive! (_Aside_--And they'll do it too, some
+night, if Moss don't keep a sharp look-out after those lazy carpenters.)"
+
+_Enter Miss Effie German_. (_Aside_.) "I must get on the roof and
+drag CORAM out. I hate to do it; for I shall have to show my ankles in
+these horrid trowsers. But I suppose I must." (_Gets on the roof with
+Comic Villain's Daughter, shows ankles, lifts up roof and saves Coram, amid
+whirlwinds of applause and smoke.--Curtain_)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Young Lady before-named_. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON _too_ lovely?"
+
+_Bostonian Youth_. "Yes. RISTORI is, however -----"
+
+_Heavy old Party_. "This fire business is dangerous, sir. Never saw it
+done at the old Park. EDMUND KEAN would -----"
+
+ACT V. _Enter Original Coram_. "I am WALTER CORAM. I can now prove it
+by simply mentioning the fact. I love the daughter of the Comic Villain,
+and will marry her."
+
+_Unprincipled Clerk_. "All is lost except WALTER CORAM, who ought to
+be. I will go to Australia, at once." (_He goes_.)
+
+_Comic Villain_, (_smashes his hat over his eyes and swears_).
+
+_Virtuous Banker_. "Bless you, my children. I forgive you all the
+injuries I have done you." (_Curtain_.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Every body in the audience_. "How do you like--Real fire; STODDAHT'S
+faces are--Real fire; EFFIE GERMON is--Real fire; Come and take--Real fire;
+JIM WALLACK is always at home in--Real fire; There is nothing in the play
+but--Real fire."
+
+_Misanthropic Critic, to gentlemanly Treasurer_. "Can I have two seats
+for to-morrow night?"
+
+_Treasurer_. "All sold, sir. Play draws better than _Ours_!"
+
+_Misanthropic Critic_. Well! no matter. I only wanted to send my
+mother-in-law, knowing that the house must take fire some night. However,
+I'll read the play to her instead; if she survives that, she isn't mortal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Suggestion kindly made to Manager Moss_.--Have the fire scene take
+place in the first act, and let all the _dramatis personae_ perish in
+the flames. Thus shall the audience be spared the vulgar profanity of
+STODDART'S "Comic Villain," the absurdity of WALLACK'S "Coram," the twaddle
+of HIELD'S "Virtuous Banker," and the impossible imbecility of FISHER'S
+"Unprincipled Clerk." Miss GERMON in trowsers, and Miss HENRIQUES in tears,
+are very nice; but they do not quite redeem the wretchedness of the play.
+The sooner Mr. Moss gives up his present flame and returns to his early
+love--legitimate comedy--the better.
+
+MATADOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO BEHAVE AT A THEATRE.
+
+
+MR. PUNCHINELLO: I take it you are willing to receive useful information.
+Of course you are--Why? Because, while you may be humorous, you intend also
+to be sensible. I have in my day been to the theatre not a little. I have
+seen many plays and many audiences. I know--or, at least, think I do--what
+is good acting, and--what good manners. Suffer me, then, briefly to give
+you a few hints as to how an audience should behave. I shall charge nothing
+for the information, though I am frank to insinuate that it is worth a
+deal--of the value, perhaps, of a great deal table.
+
+First. Always take a lady with you to the play. It will please her,
+whatever the bother to you. Besides, you will then be talked to. If you
+make a mess of it in trying to unravel the plot, she will essentially aid
+you in that direction. Nothing like a woman for a plot--especially if you
+desire to plunge head foremost into one.
+
+Second. If you have any loud conversation to indulge in, do it while the
+play is going on. Possibly it may disturb your neighbors; but you do not
+ask them to hear it. Hail Columbia! isn't this a free country? If you have
+any private and confidential affairs to talk over, the theatre is the place
+in which to do it. Possibly strangers may not comprehend all the bearings;
+but that is not your fault. You do your best--who can do better?
+
+Third. If you have an overcoat or any other garment, throw it across the
+adjoining or front seat. Never mind any protests of frown or word. Should
+not people be willing to accommodate? Of course they should. Prove it by
+putting your dripping umbrella against the lady with the nice moire antique
+silk. It may ruffle her temper; but that's her business, not yours; she
+shouldn't be ridiculous because well dressed.
+
+Fourth. Try and drop your opera-glass half a dozen times of an evening. If
+it makes a great racket--as of course it will--and rolls a score of seats
+off, hasten at once to obtain possession of the frisky instrument. Let
+these little episodes be done at a crisis in the play where the finest
+points are being evolved.
+
+Fifth. Of course you carry a cane--a very ponderous cane. What for? To use
+it, obviously. Contrive to do so when every body is silent. What's the use
+in being demonstrative in a crowd? It don't pay. Besides, you dog, you know
+your _forte_ is in being odd. Odd fellow-you. See it in your
+brain--only half of one. Make a point to bring down your cane when there is
+none, (point, not cane,) and shout out "Good!" or "Bravo!" when you have
+reason to believe other people are going to be quiet.
+
+Sixth. Never go in till after a play begins, and invariably leave in the
+middle of an act, and in the most engaging scene.
+
+These are but a few hints. However, I trust they are good as far as they
+go. I may send you a half-dozen more. In the mean time I remain
+
+Yours, truly,
+
+O. FOGY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+PROSPECTUS,
+
+
+It shall be our highest ambition to realize our own wishes and to fulfil
+our own predictions.
+
+Our principles are moral to--the last degree.
+
+Our politics defy competition; and it shall be our constant endeavor to
+make them more so.
+
+Our literary and scientific articles are our own, and consequently above
+criticism.
+
+OUR ILLUSTRATIONS
+
+Will include drawings on wood by our most
+
+PROMISING YOUNG ARTISTS.
+
+Besides the usual agricultural, shipping, and market reports, we shall
+publish
+
+THE BEST BON MOTS OF THE PULPIT.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Soon to appear in our columns,
+
+A SERIAL, ENTITLED, "IMPRESSIONS OF MODERN TRAVEL."
+
+Also,
+
+ILLUSTRATIONS OF ART-ANATOMY;
+
+Exclusively for beginners.
+
+Together with
+
+"RESEARCHES IN THE POCKETS OF OUR SUBSCRIBERS;"
+
+With appropriate-(ing) views.
+
+[Illustration: (_Faithful Preceptress_) "Now you know where the
+gluteal muscle is?"]
+
+
+In order to insure the widest possible influence, and consequently
+usefulness, we are prepared to offer the most
+
+LIBERAL TERMS.
+
+Any one sending us full subscription price, and ten dollars additional,
+will be entitled to
+
+ONE OF OUR AUTOGRAPH ESSAYS.
+
+Any one sending us the names of thirty new subscribers will receive by
+mail, post-paid,
+
+OUR PHOTOGRAPH;
+
+Or, if preferred, Luther's wedding-ring and mug; or, our own wedding-ring,
+with the mugs of our wife and children.
+
+For _Club Rates_, refer to a Justice of the Peace.
+_Answer to Correspondents_: Sketch not available.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+V. H. to Punchinello.
+
+The following letter, received by the French cable, explains itself. After
+the perusal of it, America warms toward France:
+
+HAUTEVILLE PARK, March 25,1870.
+
+To THE EDITOR OF THE PUNCHINELLO:
+
+MONSIEUR: The advance copy of your journal has stormed my heart. I owe it
+one happy day.
+
+Europe trembles. They light their torches sinister, those trans-alpine
+vacillationists. The church, already less tranquil, dis-segregates itself.
+We laugh.
+
+To your journal there is a future, and there will be a past.
+
+The age has its pulsations, and it never forgets.
+
+I, too, remember.
+
+There is also blood. Upon it already glitters the dust of glory.
+
+Monsieur! I salute you and your _confreres_!
+
+Accept my homage and my emotion.
+
+VICTOR HUGO.
+
+
+
+
+THE HABITS OF GREAT MEN.
+
+
+  "Lives of great men all remind us
+  We can make our lives sublime,
+  And, departing, leave behind us
+  Footprints on the sands of time."
+
+
+Almost since the world began, people have been interested in and
+entertained by gossip respecting the personal habits and individual
+idiosyncrasies of popular writers and orators. It is a universal and
+undying characteristic of human nature. No age has been exempt from it from
+PLINY'S time down to BEECHER'S. It may suitably be called the scarlet-fever
+of curiosity, and rash indeed must be the writer who refuses or neglects to
+furnish any food for the scandal-monger's maw. While we deprecate in the
+strongest terms the custom which persists in lifting the veil of
+personality from the forehead of the great, respect for traditional usages
+and obligation to the present, as well as veneration for the future, impels
+us to reveal some things that are not generally known concerning the men
+who are playing "leading business" on the world's great stage of to-day.
+
+For instance, mankind is generally ignorant of the fact that Mr. SUMNER
+bathes twice a day in a compound, two thirds of which is water and one
+third milk, and that he dictates most of his speeches to a stenographer
+while reclining in the bath-tub. WENDELL PHILLIPS is said to have written
+the greater portion of his famous lecture on "The Lost Arts" on the backs
+of old envelopes while waiting for a train in the Boston depot. Mr. GEORGE
+W. CURTIS prepares his mind for writing by sleeping with his head encased
+in a nightcap lined with leaves of lavender and rose. GRANT, it is said,
+accomplishes most of his writing while under the influence of either opium
+or chloroform, which will account for the soothing character of his state
+papers. WALT WHITMAN writes most of his poetry in the dissecting-room of
+the Medical College, where he has a desk fitted up in close proximity to
+the operating table. Mr. DANA is said to write most of his editorials in
+one of the parlors of the Manhattan Club, arrayed in black broadcloth from
+the sole of his head to the crown of his foot, his hands encased in corn-
+colored kids, a piece of chewing-gum in his mouth, and a bottle of Cherry
+Pectoral by his side. The report that he eats fish every morning for his
+breakfast is untrue: he rejects FISH. COLFAX writes all his speeches and
+lectures with his feet in hot water, and his head wrapped in a moist towel.
+His greatest vice, next to being Vice-President, is to insist upon having
+his writing desk in front of a mirror. BUTLER accomplishes most of his
+literary labor over a dish of soup, which he absorbs through the medium of
+two of his favorite weapons, thus keeping both his hands employed, and
+dictating to an amanuensis every time his mouth enjoys a vacation. BEECHER
+has several methods by which he prepares his mind to write a sermon: By
+riding up and down Broadway on the top of a stage; visiting the Academy of
+Anatomy, or spending a few hours at the Bloomingdale Retreat. Neither
+HOLMES nor WHITTIER are able to write a line of poetry until they are
+brought in contact with the blood of freshly-slain animals; while, on the
+other hand, LONGFELLOW'S only dissipation previous to poetic effort, is a
+dish of baked beans. FORNEY vexes his gigantic intellect with iced water
+and tobacco, (of the latter, "two papers, both daily.") Mr. TILTON composes
+as he reposes in his night-dress, with his hair powdered and "a strawberry
+mark upon his left arm." Mr. PARTON writes with his toes, his hands being
+employed meanwhile knitting hoods for the destitute children of Alaska. Mr.
+P. is a philanthropist. BAYARD TAYLOR writes only in his sleep or while in
+a trance state--notwithstanding the fact that he lives in the State of
+Pennsylvania. He will then dictate enough to require the services of three
+or four stenographers, and in the morning is ready to attend to the
+laborious and exacting duties attached to the position of stockholder in
+the New-York _Tribune_. Mr. GREELEY conceives some of his most
+brilliant editorial articles while churning the mercurial milk of the
+Chappaqua farm into butter; or vexing the gracious grain with the flying
+flail; or listening to the pensive murmurings of the plaintive pigs, and
+the whispered cadences of the kindly cattle. RICHARD GRANT WHITE can't
+write, it is said, until a towel moistened with Cologne water is applied to
+his nostrils. Sometimes, however, he varies the monotony of this method by
+riding several miles in a Third Avenue car, which produces a similar
+effect. OAKEY HALL writes his best things while riding on horseback in
+Central Park; his saddle being arranged with a writing-desk accompaniment;
+and while OAKEY dashes off the sentences, his horse furnishes the Stops.
+And just here we propose to stop furnishing further revelations concerning
+the men whose deeds have made their names famous in current national and
+local history.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GOSSIP IN A SCHOOL-HOUSE.
+
+_Teacher_. "WELL, MINNIE, HAVE YOU ANY THING NEW AT HOME?"
+
+_Interesting Scholar_. "OH! YES; WE'VE SMALL-POX, AND 'LAPSING FEVER,
+AN MEASLES, AND WHOOPING-COUGH."
+
+(_Tableau expressive of consternation_.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Taking the Cue.
+
+
+There is a strong disposition among those of our diplomats who may be able
+to talk a little "pigeon English," to obtain the Chinese position left
+vacant by Mr. BURLINGAME. Most of these gentlemen can point the Moral of
+the matter--the sixty thousand dollars a year--but whether any of them
+would adorn the Tail, is quite another affair.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Questions for H.G.
+
+
+Is not the _Tribune_ influenced by its negrophilism in denouncing
+PIERRE BONAPARTE as an assassin? Had the victim been a BLANC instead of a
+NOIR, would Mr. GREELEY have felt quite as much sympathy for him?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+APROPOS OF THE "ONEIDA."--The windiest excuses of the day are those of
+EYRE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+ARRAH WHAT DOES HE MANE AT ALL?
+
+
+_Scene. The White House_.
+
+ULYSSES ASLEEP. CUBA, ROONEY, AND FISH OUTSIDE ON THE LOBBY.
+
+ROONEY _Loquitur_.
+
+  ULYSSES asthore! Good lord, don't he snore!
+    ULYSSES! ULYSSES, my boy!
+  There's company here, must see you, me dear,
+    In spite of this Spanish kill-joy.
+  This Minister FISH, who, had he his wish,
+    Wud put your ould ROONEY down-stairs.
+  Ay, faith if he dar, but betther by far
+    The sinner was sayin' his pray'rs.
+      Arrah what does he mane at all?
+
+  Now, ULICK S. GRANT, it's your own self I want,
+    To patiently listen, mavrone,
+  To what I've to say, in a fatherly way,
+    As if you wor child ov my own.
+  For shure is it time, in prose or in rhyme,
+    That somebody spoke up, who dar'.
+  ULYSSES awake! for Liberty's sake,
+    It's braykin our hearts you are.
+      Arrah what do you mane at all?
+
+  Och, wirrasthrue vo! it's bitther to know
+    The work that goes an in your name;
+  The murdher an' ruin, that others are doin'
+    Whilst you have to showlder the shame!
+  The grief that is ours, whin you, by the Pow'rs,
+    Seem traytin it all like a joke,
+  Like NAYRO, the thief, whin Room was in grief,
+    That fiddled away in the smoke!
+      Arrah what do you mane at all?
+
+  Och, wake up, ochone! Your innimies groan
+    The words that cut deep as a sword:
+  "He's greedy for goold, an by its slaves rooled
+    ULYSSES is false to his word.
+  See poor Cuba there, all tatthered and bare;
+    For months at his doore she has stud;
+  Not a word he replies to her sobs or her sighs,
+    Nor cares for her tears or her blood!
+      Arrah what does he mane at all?"
+
+  Musha, what's that you say? "Sind the ould fool away."
+    I'm disturbin' your rest wid my prate;
+  There's Minister FISH, to consult if I wish,
+    Who attinds to all matthers of state.
+  An' Cuba, she too, wid her hulabaloo,
+    May just as well bundle an' go;
+  You won't hear us now, wid our murtherin row,
+    You'll sleep it out whether or no!
+      Arrah what do we mane at all?
+
+  Ah! then, by my sowl, this thratemint is foul--
+    To put your best frinds to the blush;
+  An' wor you sinsare, in what you sed there
+    We'd tie up your whistle, my thrush!
+  But ULICK, machree, you can't desave me,
+    By sayin' the word you don't mane;
+  Or make her beleeve who stands at me sleeve,
+    In FISH an' his Castles in Spane.
+      Arrah what do you mane at all?
+
+  'Tis late in the day to talk in that way;
+    We've had ministhers dishes galore,
+  An' laste to my taste, at the blundherin faste,
+    The sauce ov that fish one, asthore.
+  No, ULICK, alan! the work that's in han'
+    Must be done by yourself, if at all.
+  Your cooks, by my troth, are burnin' the broth,
+    We smell it out here in the hall!
+      Arrah what do you mane at all?
+
+  No, ULICK, my boy, rise up to our joy,
+    An' make a clane sweep ov the crowd
+  Of tinkerin tools, an' blundherin fools,
+    That put your wits undher a cloud.
+  Rise up in your might, an' sthrike for the right!
+    Let England an' Spain hear us talk;
+  Give FISH his conjay, an' ROONEY will stay;
+    You'll then see who's cock ov the walk!
+      Arrah what do you mane at all?
+
+  Lave Britain alone; if she won't pay, mavrone,
+    She's puttin' her head into debt.
+  If I know the books, the way the thing looks,
+    She'll pay us, wid intherest, yet!
+  Ay, faith he did say, so wise in his day--
+    That noble ould Graycian, PHILANDER--
+  That sauce for the goose, if well kept for use,
+    Was just as good sauce for the gandher!
+      Arrah what did he mane at all?
+
+  But Spain, the ould wulf, for her tricks in the Gulf,
+    Her robbery, murdher, and worse,
+  _Her_ debt, she must see, is put down C.O.D.,
+    Wid Cuba relaysed from her curse.
+  Ay, FISH, you may sweat, an' SUMNER may threat,
+    An' burst his crack'd head in the row;
+  The People have spoke, that's fire an' not smoke!
+    An' this must be finished, an' now.
+      Arrah what do you mane at all?
+
+  Och! ULICK, awake, for Liberty's sake!
+    If not for your ROONEY, asthore;
+  The Godiss is here, but thrimbles wid fear
+    Ov the cowld-blooded Thing at the doore.
+  She sez that your name a by-word of shame
+    Will be to the nations onborn,
+  If you lie there anmov'd whilst the flag that you lov'd
+    Is flouted by Spaniards wid scorn.
+      Arrah what do you mane at all?
+
+  She sez, an' wid grief, her love for the chief,
+    That fought neath her bannir so long,
+  Will turn into hate, that will cling to the fate
+    Ov him who now sides wid the wrong.
+  She sez ov all woes that misery knows,
+    The grief ov the wronger's the worst
+  Who houlds back his ban' from a sufferin' lan'
+    An' laves her to tyrants accurs'd!
+      Arrah what do you mane at all?
+
+  Ah! _that_ stirs your blood; I thought that it wud.
+    Your rizin', me bouchal; it's done!
+  Go on wid your pray'rs! I'm kickin' down-stairs
+    This ould Spanish mack'rel, for fun.
+  Sweet Liberty here, and Cuba, my dear!
+    You'll stay for the bite an' the sup?
+  An' pardon my joy; since I've woke up the boy
+    I don't know what ind ov me's up!
+      Arrah what did he mane at all?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Travellers' Tales.
+
+
+No one now believes that DR. LIVINGSTONE was burnt for sorcery. The
+originator of the report could have made a more plausible story by
+asserting that LIVINGSTONE refused to marry the daughter of an African
+chief, and was consequently put to death. This would have been strictly in
+accordance with the customs of the African aristocracy, and would also have
+called forth general admiration for the man who preferred to burn rather
+than to marry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+City Hamlets vs. Rural Ditto.
+
+
+The leading cities of late have grown almost wild with excitement over
+their HAMLETS; but in country localities, the hamlets are marked for
+quietude, and a refreshing freedom from all that is stagey, except,
+perhaps, stage-coaches.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NEW-YORK ANTI-ORANGE-PEEL AND BANANA-SKIN ASSOCIATION,
+AS THEY APPEAR IN THEIR GREAT HUMANITARIAN FEAT OF CLEARING THE
+SIDE-WALKS.]
+
+
+ORANGE-PEEL, ET. CETERA.
+
+
+PUNCHINELLO, ever ready to hail with acclamation all that is for the
+welfare of his fellow-men, is delighted to learn that an
+"Anti-Orange-peel-and-Banana-skin Association" has been organized in the
+city of New-York. The great number of severe accidents annually caused by
+the idiotic custom of casting orange-peel and such other lubricious
+integuments recklessly about the side-walks, has long furnished a topic for
+public animadversion. Some of our leading citizens have taken the matter in
+hand--or, to speak more correctly, on foot. The picture at the top of this
+page gives a life-like representation of the Association referred to,
+engaged in their benevolent work of removing from the side-walk with their
+Boots all such fragments as might tend to the development of Slippers. The
+Association has PUNCHINELLO'S best wishes. The Orange-Outangs who render
+the side-walks dangerous have his worst.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HAMLET FROM A RURAL POINT.
+
+The Great FECHTER as HAMLET has given us another proof of the brilliant
+imagination of Mr. DICKENS. The play is so well known that a synopsis of it
+is unnecessary. Yet a few words on the subject.
+
+An economical mother in high society permits baked meats left from a
+funeral festival to be served at a subsequent entertainment. Her son takes
+umbrage at this; becomes morose and sullen; affects spiritualism and
+private theatricals. This leads to serious family difficulties, culminating
+in a domestic broil of unusual violence. The intellectual aim of the piece
+is to show the extraordinary loquacity of a Danish Prince. The moral
+inculcated by it is, "Spare the rod and spoil the child." It is replete
+with quotations from the best authors, and contains many passages of marked
+ability. Its literary merit is unquestionable, though it lacks the vivacity
+of BOUCICAULT, and possesses no situation of such intense interest as the
+scene in ROSINA MEADOWS where the heroine starts for Boston.
+
+Mr. FECHTER presents HAMLET as a perfect "flaxy;" partly in deference to
+the present popularity of the tint, and partly to show a marked contrast
+with his OTHELLO, which character he always makes up as a male brunette.
+His countenance is of great breadth and flexibility, ranging in its full
+compass from the Placid Babe to the Outraged Congressman. His voice extends
+from B flat _profundo_ to the _ut de poitrine piccolo_. The
+emotional nature of HAMLET gives him opportunity to exhibit both of these
+wonderful organs, and in _tutta forza_ passages, where he forces them
+to their utmost power, the effect is exhilarating.
+
+Mr. FECHTER is polished. He does not hesitate to correct the sometimes rude
+and occasionally offensive remarks of HAMLET. Mr. FECHTER is refined. He
+permits "no maggots in a dead dog." He substitutes "trichinae in
+prospective pork." Fashionable patrons will appreciate this. They cherish
+poodles, particularly post-mortem; they disdain swine. Mr. FECHTER is
+polite. He excludes "the insolence of office," and "the cutpurse of the
+empire and the rule." Collector BAILEY'S "fetch" sits in front. Mr. FECHTER
+is fastidious. He omits the prefatory remarks to "assume a virtue," but
+urges his mother to seek relief in Chicago. Considering her frivolous
+conduct and the acrid colloquy consequent upon the comparison of
+photographs, this is filial as well as affectionate.
+
+Minor actors must, of course, be precluded from liberties with the text;
+but presuming the alterations in question to be the result of a
+consultation with Mr. DICKENS, we must rejoice that SHAKESPEARE is being
+toned to good society. We commend the improved readings to the delicate
+susceptibilities of the community.
+
+Mr. FECHTER is a great genius. Distinguished talent is occasionally needed
+to elevate the national taste. How we have outraged theatrical proprieties
+by applauding WALLACK and BOOTH and DAVENPORT! FORREST, forget us. FECHTER,
+forgive us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Epitaph on a Defunct Boarding-House.
+
+Peace to its Hashes!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Apropos of Small-salaried Husbands, who have Extravagant Wives.
+
+"A little earning is a dangerous thing."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Mormon's Motto
+
+Bring 'em Young.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+[Illustration: OUR EFFICIENT NAVY DEPARTMENT.
+
+_Admiral Porter_. The Queen has taken your Jack. You never
+_could_ protect your Jack, Mr. Secretary.
+
+(And they go on with their little game, never heeding the signal of
+distress from the Oneida.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[blank page]
+
+
+JUMBLES.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Truth to tell, I _don't_ like neighbors. I _do_ like
+civilization. The trouble is, neighbors are not always civilized.
+PUNCHINELLO will be impressed with the fact before becoming a single
+weekling. The first floor may be ever so nice, quiet, well-dressed, proper
+folks--but those dreadful musical people in the attic! I hate musical
+people; that is, when in the chrysalis state of learning. Practice makes
+perfect, indeed; but practice also makes a great deal of noise. Noise is
+another of my constitutional dislikes. If these matters must be divided,
+give me the melody, and whoever else will, may take the noise. The truth
+is, my dear PUNCHINELLO--and I may as well begin calling you what the
+public will do one of these early days--there is nothing like notes. But
+bank-notes are my weakness. My weakness in that direction is, I may
+confidently state, very strong. The ladies are not the only greenbacks that
+are accepted at sight; and acceptable to it. The bank on which I should
+like to dwell--do you not guess it?--is the auriferous National. Those
+musical neighbors-how they do play, though! But, to borrow from Mr. SLANG,
+my queer neighbor opposite, they have about played out. Our gentlemanly
+landlord--all landlords are so very gentlemanly, kind, good, and
+considerate--Mr. GRABB, says it don't pay to keep such tenants.
+
+"Mr. GRABB, pay--pray, why don't it pay?"
+
+"Why, Mr. TODD, why, sir--because _they_ don't pay. D'ye see it, Mr.
+TODD?"
+
+Mr. TODD did see it.
+
+"Music hath charms," and all that fine thing; but it can't evidently charm
+a landlord, as at present constructed, into the faith that the notes of a
+fiddle, a clarionet, a bugle, or a trombone are negotiable at the corner
+grocery, or in Wall and State streets.
+
+Going from bars to banks is a distance. But when I go anywhere, I like to
+have it distant. The enjoyment is invariably greater. It saves my tailors,
+hatters, restaurant keepers, and some others, the expense and trouble of
+too much correspondence. Such isn't good for the brain--especially where it
+is small, and easily overtaxed. "Distance lends enchantment to the view."
+May I ask, is or was distance in the brokerage line that it lent
+enchantment to the view? and what might possibly have been the conditions
+on which the loan was made? The man who leaves his country for its (and
+his) good has an especial fondness for the distant. The further off the
+nearer he feels like home. Australia is an El Dorado--the antipodes a
+celestial region. The intervening sea is one over which the most
+penetrating of argus-eyed policemen or sheriffs, can not see. Australia--is
+it not the land of gold? Who that has poached a pile does not gravitate
+there, as the needle to the pole? Of course, I do not mean the
+sewing-machine needle.
+
+Some people think California greater. I don't. The greatness of a country
+does not in all cases turn on its great rogues. New-York and Washington may
+not assent; but, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, isn't it so? These may give it character,
+but of the sort nobody is anxious to carry in his pocket as a wedge by
+which to enter good, genteel society. "Character," says a leading mind, "is
+every thing." Quite true; and if of the right sort, will take a man
+speedily to the noose. Biddy can get the most stunning of characters at the
+first corner for half a week's wages or--stealings. As a general thing, I
+don't believe in characters, and for the reason that a large portion of my
+acquaintances--I go into society a great deal--do not appear to have a bit
+of the article. They say it is unnecessary; that "society" don't demand it;
+and that to have it is like travelling with baggage which is mere rubbish.
+My elastic but excellent friend JENKINS says the only sense that can be put
+on society market to practical advantage is the uncommon scamp. Common
+sense, so-called, is a drug. Old Mr. MATTEROFACT--who heeds him or his?
+He's always pushed into the corner, or crowded to the back seat. Sensible
+people, the world being judges, are a mistake. They were born and educated
+that way. They don't definitely belong anywhere. Trespassers, interlopers,
+impertinents-why should they be tolerated? Doesn't CONGRESSMAN SURFACE, of
+the Forty-fourth District, rule the roast? Isn't Mrs. SIMPLE the pattern
+Woman of the Swell-Front avenue? Who so charming as Widow MILKWATER? Common
+sense might have done once, but that was when the world was younger and yet
+more old-fashioned. It isn't available now. Rust never shines. Out upon it,
+or let it get out. The best place, I would suggest, is out of town--and in
+the woods. Strangers always make people feel uncomfortable.
+
+Need I hint just now that it is Lent? Lent is suggestive. It suggests some
+of my best books. Books are the best of friends. They are honest. They say
+what they feel, and feel what they say. Like other blessings, too, they
+often take to wings and fly; and it proves to be a fly that never returns.
+A good book is a joy forever. The only sad thing about it is, that it keeps
+lent all the time--not so much piously as profanely. Am I my brother's
+keeper? No. But my brother is quite too often a keeper of mine--of mine own
+choice authors. The best of friends are, of course--like the best of
+steaks--rather rare. Like honest men they count only one in ten
+thousand--an extremely small per cent in a commercial point of view.
+Books--what should we do without them? What may we not do with them, if it
+were not for the season of Lent?
+
+I am something of a politician. My friends do not think I am. But they are
+prejudiced--friends always are. I go, on principle, for the greatest good
+of the greatest number. You know that humble, initial figure. I confess to
+a love of loaves and fishes. A nice French loaf, and a delicious salmon in
+the suburbs of green peas--who wouldn't be a politician about that time? I
+have run for office--and at least half a dozen times. But, bless you, I
+never caught it. Some big, burly, brainless cur of a fellow was always
+ahead of me. Very queer in politics--the less the head the more one gets
+ahead. A head is little or nothing; but face, cheek, assurance--such is
+much; is every thing. What are politics but audacity? what professions of
+public good but pretences for private pap? I like politics. Politics,
+however, don't seem to like me. I call myself a patriot; but, strangely
+enough, or otherwise, I have never been called to fill a patriot's
+office--say for $5000 and upward per year. As for a patriot's grave--it's a
+fine thing, no doubt, but I have never regarded it as my "mission" to fill
+that. It affects one's activity and usefulness, and cuts off going to
+FECHTER BOOTH, _Frou-Frou_, the _Twelve Temptations_, and opera.
+I declined all such honors during the war, and on principle; the principal
+thing being that I had no taste for lead and iron. Iron, I know, is good
+for the blood; but taken in bullets, it lessens instead of increases the
+circulation. These metals are quite too much for a delicate stomach. Shells
+as a drink I like; shells as bombs I do _not_ like. They are
+unhealthy. As a beverage I can surround it several times a day, and bless
+the climate that grows it, and the cask that makes it. But of shells, as of
+company, I prefer to make my choice. I, too, have my choice of office. I am
+strong and can draw well. My _forte_ is drawing salary. That may not
+be the highest form of art, but it is unquestionably artful. Moreover, it
+is the one mankind, if it could, would cultivate with the most assiduity.
+It is the plaster every man would put to his back.
+
+As a politician I believe in myself first, my pocket second, my country
+third. This platform is strong and satisfactory--at least to your friend,
+
+TIMOTHY TODD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ALBANY COCK-ROBINS.
+
+  Who killed the Charter?
+    I, says the _Herald_,
+    With wit _a la_ JERROLD.
+    As Assemblymen I ferruled,
+      And I killed the Charter.
+
+  Who killed the Charter?
+    I, says the _World_,
+    With my blunders hurled
+    And black flag unfurled,
+      And I killed the Charter.
+
+  Who killed the Charter?
+    I, says the _Sun_,
+    With my sensation fun,
+    Or my Sol-ferino gun,
+      And I killed the Charter.
+
+  Who killed the Charter?
+    I, says PUNCHINELLO,
+    With my wit so mellow,
+    I was the very fellow
+      Who killed off the Charter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+THE DWARF DEJECTED.
+
+
+A pathetic recital for the benefit of you, or me, or any other snail who
+may want a tortoise-shell.
+
+In what year, or under what king Bezoman, lived he, no matter. Suffice it
+to know he still survives.
+
+Once he was happy!
+
+Once, whene'er the eventide flooded the earth with effulgent glory, and
+each little star began to wonder who I was, to the loftiest turret of his
+quite commodious castle this dwarf would climb, and muse upon sciology and
+the cosmic forces.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Oh! Life is joy--is peace to me!" would he cry, ever and anon.
+
+And ever an anonymous owl would scream, "To whoo? To whoo?"
+
+Upon one eventful eve he sat upon his turret.
+
+Gazing around, he sprang upon his feet.
+
+"What, ho!" he cried, as a glimmer of light shot across the surface of the
+lake, "What, ho! A light in the ship-house! Tis the red light of danger! I
+forbode."
+
+Glancing around and beneath him, he perceived that the stucco was peeling
+from his favorite turret. "Here is danger, indeed!" he said; and loudly
+shouted for his ah! too dilatory servant to bring the ladder by which he
+ascended and descended his lofty pinnacle. At last the servant came, and he
+was a new and somewhat weighty waiter youth.
+
+"Ah! big lad--!" then said the dwarf.
+
+"I am glad, good sir," replied the boy.
+
+"I would have the big ladder!" cried his master.
+
+"I can't be gladder," said the boy.
+
+The dwarf looked pityingly down upon the youth for several moments.
+
+"Are you a natural-born fool?" said he.
+
+The boy advanced to the edge of the roof, made a bow, placed one arm at
+right angles before him, while the other hung by his side, and thus he sang
+his song:
+
+  "I've never been to public school,
+    My vaccination did not take.
+  Perhaps I will grow up a fool;
+    But that my heart will never break.
+
+  I would not win in learning's race,
+    Nor e'er be rich and lose my looks;
+  I think that a small-pocked face
+    Is worse than e'en small pocket-books.
+  Then, didy fol, la, la, la, la!--"
+
+"Stop!" cried the now enraged dwarf. "Begone! ere I, base boy! shall heave
+the turret down."
+
+"Certainly," replied the youth. "Big, ornary, base boy shall leave thee to
+rot down. Oh! yes; of course, of course!" And away he went.
+
+The Court fool came at last and let his master down.
+
+"Oh! ho!" said he of the motley, as the dwarf came slowly down the ladder.
+"Thou art now the first descendant of thy house."
+
+The dwarf laughed, and fell the rest of the way. "No matter!" he cried,
+rubbing his shins. "My house shall follow me. It shall come down too. I am
+going to have it all built up anew."
+
+"Bravo!" said the clown. "I thought you were too happy."
+
+On the next day the door-bell of the castle rang, and soon a varlet came to
+fast inform my lord the dwarf that in the parlor waited now a giant, and on
+the card he gave his name was written, "S.T. Mate." The dwarf unto his
+parlor quick repaired, and there, upon some dozen chairs the giant sat,
+smiling benign.
+
+"Hail to thee! good Sir Dwarf," spake the mammoth, and rising and folding
+his arms across his breast, he sang, in royal bass, his song:
+
+  "I hear that thou, O neighbor brave!
+    Thy edifice anew would build.
+  I come to much vain labor save.
+    If thou to hear me now art willed."
+
+"Proceed," said the dwarf, seating himself upon a piano-stool, and screwing
+himself up until he was near the ceiling and on a level with the singer's
+head. The giant proceeded:
+
+  "If thou shouldst build thy house thyself,
+    The cost thou surely ne'er would know;
+  But if I take the job, my friend.
+    You'll see where every cent will go."
+
+"I like that," said the dwarf. "Pray sing some more."
+
+  "I'll tell you just what it will cost;
+    And all that you will have to do
+  Will be to travel for a time,
+    Whilst I your castle build anew."
+
+"That's capital!" cried the delighted dwarf. "It would suit me exactly.
+Warble me yet other wood notes wild."
+
+The giant sang on:
+
+  "A castle such as you will want
+    Will cost you eighty pounds--or so.
+  I'll charge you nothing for my time;
+    You'll see where every cent will go."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The dwarf revolved himself rapidly, and quickly reached the floor.
+
+"The concert's over!" he cried, "and here's a check for eighty pounds.
+Proceed! Tear down; construct! I leave tonight for foreign parts. Write me
+when all is done. Adieu."
+
+The interview terminated.
+
+The clown, who had overheard this fair discourse, now left the castle; and
+retiring to a secluded spot, where--a willow drooped sadly o'er the brook,
+he laid him down and died.
+
+The dwarf to foreign parts now hied, and when twelve months had passed, and
+he had had no news of his grand castle, he returned home.
+
+He found the castle finished--all but the roof and walls. The deep cellars,
+with their marble copings just peeping 'neath the heavy mass of weeds that
+clustered to their very edge, were dark and solemn. The sly fox slunk along
+their passages, and grim serpents reared their heads from many a gloomy
+corner.
+
+The dwarf, he gazed in silence!
+
+By heavy sighs his breast was heaven, and black thoughts made his soul like
+Hades!
+
+Anon he mounted in hot haste, and rode unto the giant's castle on the
+distant hills. By sundown, the dwarf he saw on the horizon a great blue
+mass, the sight of which did move his inmost being.
+
+"It is his castle!" quoth he, and he gave his steed free rein.
+
+The interview was terrible!
+
+All the domestics fled and hid themselves in distant dells.
+
+At last the dwarf, exhausted by vituperation, sank upon the flagstones of
+the court-yard. Then folded the giant his arms and sang his song:
+
+  "Oh! hear me now, misguided dwarf,
+    Eight thousand pound more I must ask.
+  Materials, and labor too,
+    All rose since I began my task.
+
+  Among the things we can't divine.
+    Are values of such terms as 'so;'
+  But I've all items entered straight,
+    Where all the money goes you'll know."
+
+The dwarf gave one quick savage glance at the pocket of the giant, S.T.
+MATE, and then, without a word, he proudly crossed the drawbridge.
+
+But he had not long left the castle at his back ere dejection crept upon
+him and never left him more.
+
+The dwarf he did his cellar reach, fainting, almost bereft of speech; and
+as his men he staggered by, with panting breast and haggard eye,
+
+"Minstrel!" he cried, "O laggard! I for deepest depths of Lethe long. Get
+thy guitar and sing a song!"
+
+The minstrel sang:
+
+  "O Estimate!
+  Thy name is great,
+MEDUSA's head thou sure must own.
+  Do as we will,
+  Thy coming still
+Turns all our hard-earned cash to stone."
+
+The dwarf, now sunk in Lethe's mud, did snore; knowing the sign, the
+minstrel then forbore.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ODE TO THE MISSING COLLECTOR.
+
+BY REGALIA REYNA.
+
+
+  Where are _you now_, MR. BAILEY?
+  We've been looking for you daily,
+  Sometimes sadly, sometimes gayly,
+     Ever since the week begun.
+  Loving you so dear as we do,
+  Doting on you, doubting for you,
+  Looking for you, longing for you,
+  Waiting for you, watching for you,
+     Fearing you have cut and run,
+     Ere your heavy task was done
+     In cigars, and snuff, and rum;
+     Spoiling for us lots of fun,
+     And racy items for _The Sun_,
+     In the seizure rows begun,
+     And the heavy raids to come.
+     Think of poor, forsaken KIRBY,
+     Think of honest-scented HARVEY!
+     Your desertion, J. F. BAILEY,
+     "Busts" our glorious Trinity;
+     Robs the law of subtlety,
+     Knocks our look for _moietie_,
+     Knocks that Jersey property!
+     So much whisky all set free:
+     Where is SHIELDS to get his fee?
+  Think of melancholy PUFFER,
+  What the aged CHILDS must suffer!
+  JOSHUA F., the noble buffer,
+     "Lost to sight, to memory dear,"
+  Think of energetic VAIL
+  Looking round to get his bail,
+  While you're riding on a rail,
+  Or on ocean gayly sail
+     For UNCLE BULL'S dominion!
+  How could you thus fly the track
+  With so many stores to "crack,"
+  And COLUMBUS at your back
+  To defy the whiskey pack
+     And popular opinion?
+  Whiskey "fellers" feeling badly,
+  Cigar-sellers smoking madly,
+  Bondsmen looking sorely, sadly,
+     If their signatures are clear,
+     If you will not cost them dear,
+     If in court they must appear
+     Mournfully, in doubt and fear.
+     Oh! you weak, unfeeling cuss,
+     To get them in this shocking muss;
+     How their pocket-books will rue it!
+     J.F.B., how _could_ you do it?
+  Are you putting for the West,
+  Did you take French leave for Brest,
+  Have you feathered well your nest,
+  Do you sweetly take your rest;
+  Say, whom _do_ you like the best--
+     COOK, or JENKS, or FULLERTON?
+  Would you, JOSH, believe it true,
+  At the moment, sir, when you
+  Waited for that verdict blue,
+  O'er the wires the message flew,
+  Paid or franked by BOUTWELL through:
+  "The gig is up; the cuss won't do.
+  Put the district Thirty-two
+     Under General PLEASANTON."
+  Oh! the vile ingratitude;
+  Of Statesmen in this latitude;
+  Worse than DELANO'S attitude.
+  Say, what is your longitude,
+     East or West from Washington?
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Fox"-y.
+
+FECHTER'S wig in HAMLET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Echoes of the Clubs."
+
+SOUND of the policemen's _batons_ on the sidewalk.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Over and Under.
+
+INDIANA is said to be "going over" her divorce laws. She has certainly gone
+long enough under them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Bullet-in.
+
+THE government has so many bad guns on hand that it deserves to be called,
+"A snapper-up of unconsidered Rifles."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Every Little Helps.
+
+THE British newspapers say that ARTHUR HELPS writes the PRINCE OF WALES'S
+speeches. Now, if ARTHUR HELPS the Prince, who helps ARTHUR?
+
+
+
+
+CONDENSED CONGRESS.
+
+
+SENATE.
+
+
+By particular request, the Georgia bill came up. So did Senator SCHURZ. He
+approved of almost all propositions which tended to complicate questions,
+because the more complication the more offices, the more offices the more
+patronage, and the more patronage the more fees. He knew that it was an
+alluring precedent which was offered them in the action of the legislature
+of Georgia, retaining itself for double the term it was elected to serve.
+But it was the duty of Congress to resist temptation. He used the word duty
+advisedly. Gentlemen might sneer; but he could tell them that the public
+would not stand the infliction of such a Senate as that which he saw before
+him for a day longer than it was obliged to by law. By disregarding law, he
+wished to know whether the laws would not be greater than the profits. He
+admitted that this was a pun; but appealed to PUNCHINELLO upon the point of
+the propriety of puns. Reform, he would say, was a "plant" of slow growth.
+He had sown it; and his colleague, Mr. -----, had watered it; but it did
+not seem to thrive in Missouri.
+
+Mr. DRAKE, who has been studying elocution under a graduate of the Old
+Bowery, and has acquired a most tragic croak, which, with a little rouge
+and burnt cork, and haggard hair, gives him a truly awful aspect, remarked
+that the soil of the South was clotted with blood by fiends in human shape,
+(sensation in the diplomatic gallery.) The metaphor might be meaningless;
+but it struck him it was strong. These fiends were doubly protected by
+midnight and the mask. In his own State the Ku-Klux ranged together with
+the fierce whang-doodle. His own life had been threatened. (Faint
+applause.) He had received an express package marked in large letters,
+"D.H." The President of the United States, an expert in express packages,
+had told him this meant "Dead Head." Was this right? Hah! Bellud!! Gore was
+henceforth his little game. He would die in his seat. (Great cheering,
+which rendered the remainder of the senator's remarks inaudible.)
+
+The case of the admission of General AMES as a senator from Mississippi
+came up. Senator CONKLING said that he had no objection to AMES in
+particular; but in Brigadier-General, he considered the principle of
+letting in men who elected themselves to be bad. Notoriously, General AMES
+did not live in Mississippi. He considered this rather creditable to
+General AMES'S good sense than otherwise. But did it not operate as a
+trivial disqualification against his coming here to represent Mississippi?
+Besides, if generals were allowed to elect themselves, where would it end?
+General AUGUR, he believed, commanded the Indian district. He would send
+himself to the Senate from that region, and be howling about the Piegan
+massacre and such outrages upon his constituents, with which the Senate had
+been sickened already. In that case AUGUR, he grieved to say, would be a
+Bore. Then there is CANBY, who commands in Virginia. CANBY would like to be
+a senator, no doubt, like other people who never tried it; and he will be
+if he CANBY. A distinguished friend of his in the other house, whom it
+would be detrimental to the public service for him to name, if this
+military representation were to be recognized, instead of sitting for a
+district in Massachusetts, would represent Dutch Gap. They had already, in
+his friend from Missouri, a representative of the German Flats; and he
+submitted that a member from Dutch Gap would be two tonic for the body
+politic.
+
+Mr. HOWARD was in favor of the admission of AMES. He considered the
+arguments of the last speaker paltry, and his puns beneath contempt. What
+difference did it make whether AMES represented Mississippi or not?
+Mississippi was disloyal, and didn't deserve to have any representative.
+AMES was a good fellow, and a good officer. Besides, he had been through
+West-Point and knew something. He understood he played a very fair game of
+billiards, and he would be an ornament to the Senate. Let us let him in.
+The Senate had already let in REVELS, who had been sent by AMES; and it was
+absurd to keep out AMES, who was the master of the REVELS. He considered
+that, in the language of a manly sport with which senators were familiar,
+he "saw" Senator CONKLING'S puns, and went several better, though he did
+not wish to be considered a better himself.
+
+All this time, singular to say, Senator SUMNER remained silent.
+
+
+HOUSE.
+
+
+The House had a little amusement over polygamy in Utah. That institution
+shocks Mr. WARD, of New-York, and naturally also Mr. BUTLER, of
+Massachusetts. Mr. WARD was astonished to see any member standing up in
+defence of polygamy in the nineteenth century. If some member should stand
+up in any other century and defend it, it would not astonish him at all. It
+was sheer inhumanity to refuse to come to the rescue of our suffering
+brethren in Utah. How a man who had one wife could consent to see fellow-
+creatures writhing under the infliction of two or three each, was what, Mr.
+WARD remarked, got over him. Mr. BUTLER pointed out how much money the
+Mormons had made.
+
+Mr. Cox did not see why we should interfere by force to prevent a man's
+marrying as many wives as he chose. Such a man was his own worst enemy; and
+his crime carried its own punishment.
+
+Mr. HOOPER, of Utah, said the bill was an outrage. By all the wives that he
+held most sacred, he felt impelled to resent it. MOSES was a polygamist;
+hence his meekness. If this sort of thing was continued, no man's wives
+would be safe. His own partners would be torn from him, and turned out upon
+the world. He scorned to select from among them. Take all or none.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE MARRIAGE MARKET IN ROME.
+
+
+The business of catching impecunious counts, of magnetizing bankrupt
+marquises, and of plucking penniless princes, as practised by American
+women, appears to absorb all the attention in Rome at present. The rage for
+titles is said to be so great among some classes of Americans resident in
+the Holy City, that the only song one hears at evening parties and
+receptions is the one commencing,
+
+  "When I can read my title clear."
+
+We should not be surprised any day to hear that a marriage market had been
+opened on one of the plazas of Rome, the quotations of which would read
+something after this fashion: Husbands dull and declining; American
+beauties more active; foreign mammas less firm; American securities in
+great demand; the market in princes somewhat stronger; holders of titles
+much sought after; brains without money a drug in the market; "bogus"
+counts at a discount; the genealogy market panicky and falling; the stock
+of nobility rapidly depreciating; the pedigree exchange market flat and
+declining, etc., etc. This traffic in titles, this barter in dowries, this
+swapping of "blood" for dollars, is an offense too rank for words to embody
+it. The trade in cadetships is mild in comparison with it, because in these
+commercial transactions with counts, while one party may be the purchaser,
+both parties are inevitably seen to be sold. The business may only be
+excusable on the theory that "an even exchange is no robbery." But so long
+as brains are not bartered for a title, or beauty sacrificed for a
+pedigree, we should not complain. Of money, there is plenty in America;
+and, while marquises are in the market, let Shoddy continue to pipe for its
+own. A fig for Macbeth's philosophy that "blood will have blood." We modify
+it in these degenerate days to "blood will have money:"
+
+  "Maidens, like moths, are ever caught by glare;
+  And Mammon wins his way where Seraphs might despair."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  "The Lay of the Last Minstrel."
+
+  "SHOO FLY, don't bodder me."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Benedict's Time."
+
+THE honeymoon.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Homoeopathic Cure for Hydrophobia.
+
+BARK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Ode to my Washerwoman.
+
+$2 50.
+
+
+
+
+A.T. STEWART & CO.
+
+ARE MAKING
+
+_GREAT REDUCTIONS,_
+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
+
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+
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+
+Damask Table-Cloths, Napkins,
+
+Towels, Towelings,
+
+Blankets. Flannels,
+
+Quilts, Counterpanes, Carpets, Mats, Rugs,
+
+
+ENGLISH AND AMERICAN OIL-CLOTHS
+
+Upholstery Goods in Brocatelles,
+
+Silk Terrys, Plain Satins, Figured
+
+Cotelaines, Striped Reps,
+
+Furniture Chintzes,
+
+Etc., Etc., Etc.,
+
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+       *       *       *       *       *
+
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+
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+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The two great objects of a learner's ambition ought to be to speak a
+foreign language idiomatically, and to pronounce it correctly; and these
+are the objects which are most carefully provided for in the MASTERY
+SYSTEM.
+
+The Mastery of Languages;
+
+OR
+
+THE ART OF SPEAKING LANGUAGES
+
+IDIOMATICALLY.
+
+BY THOMAS PRENDERGAST.
+
+  _I. Hand-Book of The Mastery Series.
+
+ II. The Mastery Series. French.
+
+III. The Mastery Series. German.
+
+ IV. The Mastery Series. Spanish._
+
+PRICE 50 CENTS EACH.
+
+_From Professor E.M. Gallaudet, of the National Deaf Mute College._
+
+"The results which crowned the labor of the first week were so astonishing
+that he fears to detail them fully lest doubts should be raised as to his
+credibility. But this much he does not hesitate to claim, that, after a
+study of less than two weeks, he was able to sustain conversation in the
+newly-acquired language on a great variety of subjects."
+
+FROM THE ENGLISH PRESS.
+
+"The principle may be explained in a line--it is first learning the
+language, and then studying the grammar, and then learning (or trying to
+learn) the language."--_Morning Star_.
+
+"We know that there are some who have given Mr. Prendergast's plan a trial,
+and discovered that in a few weeks its results had surpassed all their
+expectations."--_Record_.
+
+"A week's patient trial of the French Manual has convinced that the method
+is sound."--_Papers for the Schoolmaster_.
+
+"The simplicity and naturalness of the system are obvious."--_Herald_
+(Birmingham.)
+
+"We know of no other plan which will infallibly lead to the result in a
+reasonable time."--_Norfolk News_.
+
+
+FROM THE AMERICAN PRESS.
+
+
+"The system is as near as can be to the one in which a child learns to
+talk."--_Troy Whig_.
+
+"We would advise all who are about to begin the study of languages to give
+it a trial."--_Rochester Democrat_.
+
+"For European travellers this volume is invaluable."--_Worcester Spy_.
+
+
+Either of the above volumes sent by mail free to any part of the United
+States on receipt of price.
+
+D. APPLETON & CO., Publishers,
+
+90, 92, and 94 Grand Street, New-York.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
+1 vol. 8vo. Paper Covers, 60 cents.
+
+From the New-York _Evening Express_.
+
+"This is truly a charming novel; for half its contents breathe the very
+odor of the flower it takes as its title."
+
+From the Philadelphia _Inquirer_.
+
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+particularly effective, always graphic, and never overstrained."
+
+D.A. & Co. have just published:
+
+A SEARCH FOR WINTER SUNBEAMS IN THE
+
+RIVIERA, CORSICA, ALGIERS, AND SPAIN.
+
+By Hon. S.S. Cox. Illustrated. Price, $3.
+
+REPTILES AND BIRDS: A POPULAR ACCOUNT OF THEIR VARIOUS ORDERS, WITH A
+DESCRIPTION OF THE HABITS AND ECONOMY OF THE MOST INTERESTING.
+
+by Louis Figuier. Illustrated with 907 wood-cuts. 1 vol. 8vo, $6.
+
+
+HEREDITARY GENIUS: AN INQUIRY INTO ITS LAWS AND CONSEQUENCES.
+
+By Francis Galton. 1 vol. 8vo. $3.50.
+
+
+HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES OP
+
+LEARNING LANGUAGES.
+
+  I. THE HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES.
+
+ II. THE MASTERY SERIES, FRENCH.
+
+III. THE MASTERY SERIES, GERMAN,
+
+ IV. THE MASTERY SERIES, SPANISH.
+
+Price, 50 cents each.
+
+
+Either of the above sent free by mail to any address on receipt of the
+price.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
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+
+
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+
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+
+
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+but throughout Europe where it has been tested
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+
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+
+Have been sent to all parts of the world, and principally to the
+
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+
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+
+Where it is used
+
+In Preference to any other Brand known.
+
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+
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+
+No. 15 William Street,
+
+For the above, and also for their other importations of
+
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+
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+
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+
+[Illustration: DAT'S WHAT'S DE MATTER. _Melodramatic Tonsor_. "Boss,
+WHAT'S DE MATTER? WHAT DE BITTER CAUSE OF DAT PENSIB LEMENCHOLY?"
+
+_Boss, (gloomily.)_ "AH! CAUSE 'NUFF. DE RIGHTS OB DE CULLID PUSSON IS
+FORGOT, AND DE SIXTEENTH 'MENDMENT AND SUFFERIN' WOMAN RULES DE ROOST!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Harper's Periodicals.
+
+Magazine. Weekly. Bazar.
+
+_Subscription Price, $4 per year each. $10 for the three._
+
+An Extra Copy of either the MAGAZINE, WEEKLY, or BAZAR will be supplied
+gratis for every Club of Five Subscribers at $4 each, in one remittance;
+or, Six Copies for $20.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HARPER'S CATALOGUE
+
+May be obtained gratuitously on application to Harper & Brothers
+personally, or by letter, inclosing six cents in postage-stamps.
+
+_HARPER & BROTHERS, New-York_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HENRY L. STEPHENS,
+
+
+ARTIST,
+
+
+No. 160 Fulton Street,
+
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+
+Important to Newsdealers!
+
+
+ALL ORDERS FOR
+
+
+PUNCHINELLO
+
+
+Will be supplied by
+
+
+OUR SOLE ANB EXCLUSIVE AGENTS,
+
+
+American News Co.
+
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCHINELLO:
+
+
+TERMS TO CLUBS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS
+
+
+FIRST:
+
+
+_DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER_,
+
+The most complete and desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning
+purposes.
+
+
+SECOND:
+
+
+_BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES_.
+
+
+These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful;
+and every lady should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind of
+crochet or fancy work upon them.
+
+
+THIRD:
+
+_BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER_.
+
+This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It knits every
+thing.
+
+
+FOURTH:
+
+_AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE_.
+
+This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on all
+former machines. No. 1, with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and Cover,
+complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole parts,
+etc., price, $60.
+
+
+WE WILL SEND THE
+
+Family Spinner,                       price, $8, for 4 subscribers and $16.
+No. 1 Crochet,                        price,  8, for 4 subscribers and 16.
+No. 2 Crochet,                        price, 15, for 6 subscribers and 24.
+No. 1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles,  price, 30, for 12 subscribers and 48.
+No. 2 Automatic Knitter, 84 needles,  price, 33, for 13 subscribers and 52.
+No. 3 Automatic Knitter, 100 needles, price, 37, for 15 subscribers and 60.
+No. 4 Automatic Knitter, 2 cylinders }
+                         1 72 needles}price, 40, for 16 subscribers and 64.
+                         1 100 needles}
+
+No. 1 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, price, $75, for 30
+subscribers and L120.
+No. 2 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, without buttonhole
+parts, etc. price, 60, for 25 subscribers and 100.
+
+
+Descriptive Circulars
+
+
+Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and
+full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers.
+
+Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct
+seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers
+and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send
+single names as they obtain they them, deducting the commission.
+
+Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts on
+New-York City; or if these can not be obtained, then by Registered Letters,
+which any post-master will furnish. Charges on money sent by express must
+be prepaid, or the net amount only will be credited.
+
+Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit to prevent
+error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and State.
+
+The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable quarterly
+in advance, at the place where it was received. Subscribers in the British
+Provinces will remit twenty cents in addition to subscription.
+
+All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY P. O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street,
+NEW-YORK
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 2, April 9,
+1870, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, APRIL 9, 1870 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 9481.txt or 9481.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        http://www.gutenberg.org/9/4/8/9481/
+
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+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
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+
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diff --git a/9481.zip b/9481.zip
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+Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 2, April 9, 1870, by Various
+
+Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the
+copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing
+this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook.
+
+This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project
+Gutenberg file.  Please do not remove it.  Do not change or edit the
+header without written permission.
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+Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the
+eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file.  Included is
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+**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts**
+
+**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971**
+
+*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!*****
+
+
+Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 2, April 9, 1870
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: December, 2005 [EBook #9481]
+[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
+[This file was first posted on October 4, 2003]
+
+Edition: 10
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, V1, N2 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson,
+Marvin A. Hodges and the Online Distributed Proofreaders
+
+
+
+
+
+"The Printing House of the United States,"
+
+GEO. F. NESBITT & CO.,
+
+General JOB PRINTERS,
+BLANK BOOK Manufacturers,
+STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail,
+LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers,
+COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers,
+CARD Manufacturers,
+ENVELOPE Manufacturers,
+FINE CUT and COLOR Printers.
+
+163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST.,
+73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New-York.
+
+ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under the immediate
+supervision of the proprietors.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WALTHAM WATCHES.
+
+3-4 PLATE.
+
+_16 and 30 Sizes._
+
+To the manufacture of these fine Watches the Company have devoted all the
+science and skill in the art at their command, and confidently claim that,
+for fineness and beauty, no less than for the greater excellences of
+mechanical and scientific correctness of design and execution, these
+watches are unsurpassed anywhere.
+
+In this country the manufacture of this fine grade of Watches is not even
+attempted except at Waltham.
+
+FOR SALE BY ALL LEADING JEWELLERS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOLLER'S PUREST NORWEGIAN
+
+COD-LIVER OIL.
+
+
+"Of late years it has become almost impossible to get any Cod-Liver Oil
+that patients can digest, owing to the objectionable mode of procuring and
+preparing the livers....Moller, of Christiana, Norway, prepares an oil
+which is perfectly pure, and in every respect all that can be wished."--
+DR. L. A. SAYRE, before Academy of Medicine. See _Medical Record_,
+December, 1869, p. 447.
+
+
+SOLD BY DRUGGISTS,
+
+
+W. H. SCHIEFFELIN & CO.,
+
+
+Sole Agents for the United States and Canada.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Vol. 1. No. 2.]
+
+PUNCHINELLO
+
+
+SATURDAY, APRIL 9, 1870.
+
+
+PUBLISHED BY THE
+
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,
+
+
+83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCHINELLO April 9, 1870
+
+APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN
+
+"PUNCHINELLO"
+
+Should be addressed to
+
+J. NICKINSON,
+
+Room No. 4,
+
+83 NASSAU STREET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE "BREWSTER WAGON,"
+
+The Standard for Style and Quality.
+
+BREWSTER & COMPANY,
+
+of Broome Street.
+
+WAREROOMS,
+
+Fifth Avenue, corner of Fourteenth Street.
+
+ELEGANT CARRIAGES,
+
+_In all the fashionable Varieties,_
+
+EXCLUSIVELY OF OUR OWN BUILD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Thomas J. Rayner & Co.,
+
+29 LIBERTY STREET,
+
+New-York,
+
+MANUFACTURERS OF THE
+
+_Finest Cigars made in the United States._
+
+All sizes and styles. Prices very moderate. Samples sent to
+any responsible house. Also importers of the
+
+_"FUSBOS" BRAND,_
+
+Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and for ten
+ to twenty per cent cheaper.
+
+Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money by
+calling at
+
+29 LIBERTY STREET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GEO. BOWLEND,
+
+ARTIST,
+
+Room No. 11,
+
+No. 160 FULTON STREET,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEVILL & HAMMAR,
+
+Wood Engravers,
+
+No. 208 BROADWAY,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+With a large and varied experience in the management and publication of a
+paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the still more positive
+advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the undertaking, the
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING C0.
+
+OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK
+
+Presents to the public for approval, the
+
+NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL
+
+WEEKLY PAPER,
+
+PUNCHINELLO,
+
+The first number of which will be Issued under date of April 2, 1870, and
+thereafter weekly.
+
+PUNCHINELLO will be _National_, and not _local_; and will
+endeavour to become a household word in all parts of the country; and to
+that end has secured a
+
+VALUABLE CORPS OF CONTRIBUTORS
+
+in various sections of the Union, while its columns will always be open to
+appropriate first-class literary and artistic talent.
+
+PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous and witty, without
+vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It will be printed on a superior
+tinted paper of sixteen pages, size 13 by 9, and will be for sale by all
+respectable newsdealers who have the judgment to know a good thing when
+they see it, or by subscription from this office.
+
+The Artistic department will be in charge of Henry L. Stephens, whose
+celebrated cartoons in VANITY FAIR placed him in the front rank of humorous
+artists, assisted by leading artists in their respective specialties.
+
+The management of the paper will be in the hands of WILLIAM A. STEPHENS,
+with whom is associated CHARLES DAWSON SHANLY, both of whom were identified
+with VANITY FAIR.
+
+ORIGINAL ARTICLES,
+
+Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive ideas or
+sketches for Illustrations, upon the topics of the day, are always
+acceptable, and will be paid for liberally.
+
+Rejected communications can not be returned, unless postage stamps are
+inclosed.
+
+Terms:
+
+One copy, per year, in advance.................... $4.00
+
+Single copes, ten cents.
+
+A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten cents.
+
+One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine or paper
+price, $2.50, for..................... 5.50
+
+One copy, with any magazine or paper price, $4, for.... 7.00
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
+
+No. 83 Nassau Street,
+
+NEW-YORK,
+
+P.O. Box 2783.
+
+(_For terms to Clubs, see 16th page._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mercantile Library
+
+Clinton Hall, Astor Place
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+This is now the largest circulating Library In America, the number of
+volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 volumes are added each
+month; and very large purchases are made of all new and popular works.
+
+Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each delivery.
+
+TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP:
+
+TO CLERKS,
+
+$1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues.
+
+TO OTHERS, $5 a year.
+
+SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR SIX MONTHS.
+
+BRANCH OFFICES
+
+AT
+
+NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK,
+
+and at
+
+Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AMERICAN
+
+BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING
+
+AND
+
+SEWING-MACHINE CO.,
+
+563 Broadway, New-York.
+
+This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on all
+former machines, making, in addition to all the work done on best
+Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful
+
+BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES:
+
+in all fabrics.
+
+Machine, with finely finished
+
+OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER
+
+complete,$75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts, $60. This last is
+beyond all question the simplest, easiest to manage and to keep in order,
+of any machine in the market. Machines warranted, and full instruction
+given to purchasers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HENRY SPEAR
+
+STATIONER, PRINTER
+
+AND
+
+BLANK BOOK MANUFACTURER,
+
+ACCOUNT BOOKS
+
+MADE TO ORDER.
+
+PRINTING OF EVERY DESCRIPTION.
+
+82 Wall Street
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE UMBRELLA. A VIEW OF THE SHADY SIDE OF LIFE.
+
+A ripe pippin falling upon the head of Sir ISAAC NEWTON (a clear case of
+hard cider on the brain) suggested the laws of gravitation. An elderly
+countryman passing my window this clear bright day, attended by his
+faithful umbrella, suggested the following reflections.
+
+The term Umbrella comes from the Latin _umbra_, a shade--the whole
+signifying "keep shady."
+
+This definition well describes the nature of the article; for, as it
+undoubtedly "keeps shady" in fine weather when the sun is fervent, so it is
+apt to "keep shady" in rainy weather, when most wanted.
+
+It is as difficult to say when the umbrella came, or where it came from, as
+it is to tell where it goes to. Rumor hath it, however, that it came in
+(that is, out of the rain) with NOAH. The story (as given us by an
+antiquarian relative) says that when the Ark was built the camelopard was
+forgotten, and it was found necessary to cut a hole in the roof to
+accommodate the animal's neck. This done, SHEM sat upon the roof and held
+an umbrella. SHEM thus _raised_ the umbrella. Then our further
+question follows, Where did he raise it? Evidently he raised the umbrella
+on the Ark.
+
+These theories seem to us to be entitled to serious consideration; and
+certainly it is a reasonable belief that, as the present suffering from the
+high price of clothing is due to the sin of our first parents, so the
+umbrella is the curse entailed by royalty, coming in with the First Reign
+spoken of in history.
+
+The umbrella appears again in ancient time in connection with DANIEL, who,
+it is said, carried one into the lions' den. The authority for this is a
+historical painting that has fallen into the hands of an itinerant showman.
+A curious fact is stated with reference to this picture, namely, that
+DANIEL so closely resembled the lions in personal appearance that it was
+necessary for the showman to state that "DANIEL might easily be
+distinguished from the lions on account of the blue cotton umbrella under
+his right arm."
+
+For what purpose this umbrella may have been carried we can only surmise.
+
+The most probable theory is, that it was to be used there to intimidate the
+lions, as it has since been used toward mad bulls and other ferocious
+beasts.
+
+We have now taken hold pretty firmly of what may be called the handle of
+the umbrella. We have learned that, as ADAM raised CAIN, NOAH raised the
+umbrella, and DANIEL carried one.
+
+We have learned further that the umbrella carried by DANIEL was a blue
+cotton umbrella--undoubtedly the most primitive type of the umbrella.
+
+It is one of this class that your country friend brings down with him, that
+darkeneth the heavens as with a canopy and maketh you ashamed of your
+company. It is such an umbrella as this that is to be found or might have
+been found, in ancient days, in every old farm-house--one that covered the
+whole household when it went to church, occupying as much room when closed
+as would the tent of an Arab.
+
+We have heard it said that it was the impossibility of two umbrellas of
+this nature passing each other on a narrow road which led to the invention
+of covered wagons.
+
+There is nothing lovely about a blue cotton umbrella, though there may have
+been _under_ it at times and seasons. Skeletons of the species, much
+faded as to color, much weakened as to whalebone, may still be found here
+and there in backwoods settlements, where they are known as "umbrells;"
+there are but few perfect specimens in existence.
+
+The present style of the umbrella is varied, and sometimes elegant. The
+cover is of silk; the ribs are of steel oftener than of bone, and the
+handle is wrought into divers quaint and beautiful shapes. The most common
+kind is the _hooked umbrella_. Most people have hooked umbrellas--or,
+if this statement be offensive to any one, we will say that most people
+have had umbrellas hooked. The chance resemblance of this expression to one
+signifying to obstruct illegally that which properly belongs to another,
+reminds us to speak of the singular fact that the umbrella is not property.
+This is important. It rests on judicial decision, and becomes more
+important when we remember that by similar decision the negro is property,
+and that, therefore, until emancipation, the umbrella was superior to the
+negro. The judicial decision cited will be found reported in _Vanity
+Fair_, liber 3, page 265, and was on this wise: A man being arraigned
+for stealing an umbrella, pleaded that it rained at the time, and he had no
+umbrella. On these grounds he was discharged, and the judge took the
+umbrella. (We may notice here how closely this decision has been followed,
+even down to modern times, and touching other matters than umbrellas.)
+
+This established the fact that the umbrella was not property that could be
+bought, sold, and stolen, but a free gift of the manufacturer to universal
+creation. The right of ownership in umbrellas ranked henceforward with our
+right to own the American continent, being merely a right by discovery.
+
+(TO BE CONTINUED.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+Depressing for Chicago.
+
+
+The Chicago press has given up all hopes of the PRINCE OF WALES since he
+has proved his innocence in regard to Lady MORDAUNT. Chicago had begun to
+look upon him with mildly patronizing favor, when he was accused of a share
+in a really first-class divorce case; but now that his innocence is
+established, there is no longer any extenuating circumstance which can
+induce Chicago to overlook the infamous crime of his royal birth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Latest from the Isthmus of Suez.
+
+
+Of all men, the followers of MOHAMMED are the most candid; since no matter
+of what you accuse them, they always acknowledge the Koran.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Right and Left.
+
+Because the P.& O. Directors have suspended their EYRE, we are not called
+upon to suspend our anger. We decline to believe that he can justify
+himself in leaving the Oneida, however blameless he may have been in the
+matter of the collision. Because the Oneida was Left it does not follow
+that the Bombay was Right.
+
+[ILLUSTRATION:_Mr. Pugsby_. "I THINK, MY DEAR, WE'VE GIVEN HIM
+LAUDANUM ENOUGH. SUPPOSE WE TRY A LITTLE STRYCHNINE?"
+
+_Mrs. Pugsby_. "BUT MIGHTN'T THAT HURT HIM?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Mr. BOUCICAULT might properly be called the author of the elementary Drama.
+Not because his plays, like elementary lessons in French, are peculiarly
+aggravating to the well-regulated mind, but because of his fondness for
+employing one of the elements of nature--fire, water, or golden hair--in
+the production of the sensation which invariably takes place in the fourth
+or fifth act of each of his popular dramas. In the _Streets of
+New-York_, he made a hit by firing a building at the spectacularly
+disposed audience. In _Formosa_, he gave us a boat-race; and in
+_Lost at Sea_, now running at WALLACK'S, he has renewed his former
+fondness for playing with fire. The following condensed version of this
+play is offered to the readers of PUNCHINELLO, with the assurance that,
+though it may be a little more coherent than the unabridged edition, it is
+a faithful picture of the sort of thing that Mr. BOUCICAULT, aided and
+abetted by Mr. WALLACK, thinks proper to offer to the public.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LOST AT SEA.
+
+
+ACT I. _Scene_ 1. _Enter Virtuous Banker_. "I have embezzled
+WALTER CORAM'S money, and he is coming from India to claim it. I am a
+ruined man."
+
+_Enter Unprincipled Clerk_. "Not so. WALTER CORAM is lost at sea, and
+we will keep the money."
+
+_Virtuous Banker_. "Thank heaven! I am not found out, and can remain
+an honest man as usual."
+
+_Scene_ 2. _Enter Comic Villain_. "I am just released from prison
+and must soon meet my wife." (_Swears and smashes in his hat_.)
+
+_Enter Unprincipled Clerk_. "Not so. WALTER, CORAM is lost at sea.
+Personate him, draw his money, and share it with me."
+
+_Comic Villain_. "I will." (_Swears and smashes in his hat_.)
+
+_Scene_ 3. _Enter Miss Effie Germon_. (Aside.) "I am supposed to
+be a virtuous and vagabond boy. I hate to show my ankles in ragged
+trowsers, but I must." (_Shows them. Applause_)
+
+_Enter Daughter of Comic Villain_. "I love the unprincipled clerk; but
+there is a sick stranger up-stairs who pokes the fire in a way that I can
+hardly resist. Be firm, my heart. Shall I be untrue to my own unprincipled
+-----"
+
+_Enter Unprincipled Clerk_. "Not so. WALTER CORAM is lost at sea, and
+I must leave these valuable boxes in your hands for safe-keeping."
+(_Leaves the boxes, and then leaves himself_.)
+
+_Enter Sick Stranger_. "I am WALTER CORAM. Those are my boxes.
+Somebody is personating me. Big thing on somebody. Let him go ahead."
+(_Curtain_.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Young Lady in the Audience_. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON perfectly lovely?"
+
+_Accompanying Bostonian Youth_. "Yes; but you should see RISTORI in
+_Marie Antoinette_. There is a sweetness and light about the great
+tragedienne which -----"
+
+_Heavy old Party, to contiguous Young Man_. "Don't think much of this;
+do you? Now, in TOM PLACIDS's day----" _Contiguous and aggrieved Young
+Man pleads an engagement and hastily goes out_.
+
+ACT II. _Scene_ 1. _Virtuous Banker's Villa, Comic Villain,
+Unprincipled Clerk, and Wealthy Heroine dining with the Banker_.
+
+_Enter Original Coram_. "I am WALTER CORAM; but I can't prove it, the
+villains having stolen my bootjack."
+
+_Enter Comic Villain, who smashes in his hat, and swears_.
+
+_Original Coram. (Approaching him_.) "This is WALTER CORAM, I believe?
+I knew you in India. We boarded together. Don't you remember old FUTTYGHUR
+ALLAHABAD, and the rest of our set?"
+
+_Comic Villain, in great mental torture_. "Certainly; of course: I
+said so at the time." (_Swears and smashes in his hat_.) (_Exeunt
+omnes, in search of Virtuous Banker_.)
+
+_Scene_ 2. _Enter Miss Effie Germon, by climbing over the wall_.
+"I hate to climb over the wall and show my ankles in these nasty trowsers,
+but I must." (_Shows them. Applause_.)
+
+_Enter Daughter of Comic Villain_. "Great Heavings! What do I see? My
+beloved clerk offering himself to the wealthy heroine? I must faint!"
+(_Faints_.)
+
+_Enter aristocratic lover of wealthy heroine, and catches the faintress
+in his arms. Wealthy heroine catches him in the act. Tableau of virtuous
+indignation_. (_Curtain_)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Young Lady before-named_. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON perfectly sweet?"
+
+_Bostonian Youth_. "Yes; but RISTORI----"
+
+_Mighty Young Men_. "Let's go out for drinks."
+
+
+ACT III. _Scene_ 1. _Enter Daughter of Comic Villain_. "My clerk
+is false, and I don't care a straw for him. Consequently, I will drown
+myself."
+
+_Enter Original Coram_. "I am WALTER CORAM; but I can't prove it, the
+villains having stolen my Calcutta latch-key. Better not drown yourself, my
+dear. You'll find it beastly wet. Don't do it." (_She doesn't do it_.)
+(_Curtain_.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Young Lady before-named_. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON perfectly beautiful?"
+
+_Bostonian Youth_. "Yes. But at her age RISTORI----"
+
+_Heavy old Party murmurs in his sleep of ELLEN TREE. More young men go
+out to get drinks_.
+
+
+ACT IV. _Scene_ 1. _Enter Virtuous Banker_. "All is lost. There
+is a run on the bank -----"
+
+_Enter Unprincipled Clerk_. "WALTER CORAM presents check for L7 4 S.
+We have no funds. Shall we pay it?"
+
+_Enter Original Coram_. (_Aside_.) "I am WALTER CORAM; but I
+can't prove it, the villains having taken my other handkerchief. (_To the
+Banker_.) Sir, you once gave me a penny, and you have since embezzled my
+fortune. How can I repay such noble conduct? Here is a bag of gold. Take it
+and pay your creditors."
+
+_Scene_ 2. _Enter Unprincipled Clerk and Comic Villain_.
+
+_Unprincipled Clerk_. "The original CORAM has turned up. We must turn
+him down again. I will burn him in his bed to-night."
+
+_Comic Villain_. "Burn him; but don't attempt any violence." (_Swears
+and smashes in his hat_.)
+
+_Scene_ 4. _Enter Original Coram_. "I am WALTER COHAM; but I
+can't prove it--I forget precisely why. What is this in my coffee? Opium!
+It is, by SIVA, VISHNU, and others! They would fain drug my drink. Ha! Ha!
+I have drank, eaten, smoked, chewed, and snuffed opium for ninety years. I
+like it. So did my parents. I am, so to speak, the child of poppy. Ha! What
+do I see? Flames twenty feet high all around me! Can this be fire? The
+wretches mean to burn me alive! (_Aside_--And they'll do it too, some
+night, if Moss don't keep a sharp look-out after those lazy carpenters.)"
+
+_Enter Miss Effie German_. (_Aside_.) "I must get on the roof and
+drag CORAM out. I hate to do it; for I shall have to show my ankles in
+these horrid trowsers. But I suppose I must." (_Gets on the roof with
+Comic Villain's Daughter, shows ankles, lifts up roof and saves Coram, amid
+whirlwinds of applause and smoke.--Curtain_)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Young Lady before-named_. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON _too_ lovely?"
+
+_Bostonian Youth_. "Yes. RISTORI is, however -----"
+
+_Heavy old Party_. "This fire business is dangerous, sir. Never saw it
+done at the old Park. EDMUND KEAN would -----"
+
+ACT V. _Enter Original Coram_. "I am WALTER CORAM. I can now prove it
+by simply mentioning the fact. I love the daughter of the Comic Villain,
+and will marry her."
+
+_Unprincipled Clerk_. "All is lost except WALTER CORAM, who ought to
+be. I will go to Australia, at once." (_He goes_.)
+
+_Comic Villain_, (_smashes his hat over his eyes and swears_).
+
+_Virtuous Banker_. "Bless you, my children. I forgive you all the
+injuries I have done you." (_Curtain_.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Every body in the audience_. "How do you like--Real fire; STODDAHT'S
+faces are--Real fire; EFFIE GERMON is--Real fire; Come and take--Real fire;
+JIM WALLACK is always at home in--Real fire; There is nothing in the play
+but--Real fire."
+
+_Misanthropic Critic, to gentlemanly Treasurer_. "Can I have two seats
+for to-morrow night?"
+
+_Treasurer_. "All sold, sir. Play draws better than _Ours_!"
+
+_Misanthropic Critic_. Well! no matter. I only wanted to send my
+mother-in-law, knowing that the house must take fire some night. However,
+I'll read the play to her instead; if she survives that, she isn't mortal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Suggestion kindly made to Manager Moss_.--Have the fire scene take
+place in the first act, and let all the _dramatis personae_ perish in
+the flames. Thus shall the audience be spared the vulgar profanity of
+STODDART'S "Comic Villain," the absurdity of WALLACK'S "Coram," the twaddle
+of HIELD'S "Virtuous Banker," and the impossible imbecility of FISHER'S
+"Unprincipled Clerk." Miss GERMON in trowsers, and Miss HENRIQUES in tears,
+are very nice; but they do not quite redeem the wretchedness of the play.
+The sooner Mr. Moss gives up his present flame and returns to his early
+love--legitimate comedy--the better.
+
+MATADOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO BEHAVE AT A THEATRE.
+
+
+MR. PUNCHINELLO: I take it you are willing to receive useful information.
+Of course you are--Why? Because, while you may be humorous, you intend also
+to be sensible. I have in my day been to the theatre not a little. I have
+seen many plays and many audiences. I know--or, at least, think I do--what
+is good acting, and--what good manners. Suffer me, then, briefly to give
+you a few hints as to how an audience should behave. I shall charge nothing
+for the information, though I am frank to insinuate that it is worth a
+deal--of the value, perhaps, of a great deal table.
+
+First. Always take a lady with you to the play. It will please her,
+whatever the bother to you. Besides, you will then be talked to. If you
+make a mess of it in trying to unravel the plot, she will essentially aid
+you in that direction. Nothing like a woman for a plot--especially if you
+desire to plunge head foremost into one.
+
+Second. If you have any loud conversation to indulge in, do it while the
+play is going on. Possibly it may disturb your neighbors; but you do not
+ask them to hear it. Hail Columbia! isn't this a free country? If you have
+any private and confidential affairs to talk over, the theatre is the place
+in which to do it. Possibly strangers may not comprehend all the bearings;
+but that is not your fault. You do your best--who can do better?
+
+Third. If you have an overcoat or any other garment, throw it across the
+adjoining or front seat. Never mind any protests of frown or word. Should
+not people be willing to accommodate? Of course they should. Prove it by
+putting your dripping umbrella against the lady with the nice moire antique
+silk. It may ruffle her temper; but that's her business, not yours; she
+shouldn't be ridiculous because well dressed.
+
+Fourth. Try and drop your opera-glass half a dozen times of an evening. If
+it makes a great racket--as of course it will--and rolls a score of seats
+off, hasten at once to obtain possession of the frisky instrument. Let
+these little episodes be done at a crisis in the play where the finest
+points are being evolved.
+
+Fifth. Of course you carry a cane--a very ponderous cane. What for? To use
+it, obviously. Contrive to do so when every body is silent. What's the use
+in being demonstrative in a crowd? It don't pay. Besides, you dog, you know
+your _forte_ is in being odd. Odd fellow-you. See it in your
+brain--only half of one. Make a point to bring down your cane when there is
+none, (point, not cane,) and shout out "Good!" or "Bravo!" when you have
+reason to believe other people are going to be quiet.
+
+Sixth. Never go in till after a play begins, and invariably leave in the
+middle of an act, and in the most engaging scene.
+
+These are but a few hints. However, I trust they are good as far as they
+go. I may send you a half-dozen more. In the mean time I remain
+
+Yours, truly,
+
+O. FOGY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+PROSPECTUS,
+
+
+It shall be our highest ambition to realize our own wishes and to fulfil
+our own predictions.
+
+Our principles are moral to--the last degree.
+
+Our politics defy competition; and it shall be our constant endeavor to
+make them more so.
+
+Our literary and scientific articles are our own, and consequently above
+criticism.
+
+OUR ILLUSTRATIONS
+
+Will include drawings on wood by our most
+
+PROMISING YOUNG ARTISTS.
+
+Besides the usual agricultural, shipping, and market reports, we shall
+publish
+
+THE BEST BON MOTS OF THE PULPIT.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Soon to appear in our columns,
+
+A SERIAL, ENTITLED, "IMPRESSIONS OF MODERN TRAVEL."
+
+Also,
+
+ILLUSTRATIONS OF ART-ANATOMY;
+
+Exclusively for beginners.
+
+Together with
+
+"RESEARCHES IN THE POCKETS OF OUR SUBSCRIBERS;"
+
+With appropriate-(ing) views.
+
+[Illustration: (_Faithful Preceptress_) "Now you know where the
+gluteal muscle is?"]
+
+
+In order to insure the widest possible influence, and consequently
+usefulness, we are prepared to offer the most
+
+LIBERAL TERMS.
+
+Any one sending us full subscription price, and ten dollars additional,
+will be entitled to
+
+ONE OF OUR AUTOGRAPH ESSAYS.
+
+Any one sending us the names of thirty new subscribers will receive by
+mail, post-paid,
+
+OUR PHOTOGRAPH;
+
+Or, if preferred, Luther's wedding-ring and mug; or, our own wedding-ring,
+with the mugs of our wife and children.
+
+For _Club Rates_, refer to a Justice of the Peace.
+_Answer to Correspondents_: Sketch not available.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+V. H. to Punchinello.
+
+The following letter, received by the French cable, explains itself. After
+the perusal of it, America warms toward France:
+
+HAUTEVILLE PARK, March 25,1870.
+
+To THE EDITOR OF THE PUNCHINELLO:
+
+MONSIEUR: The advance copy of your journal has stormed my heart. I owe it
+one happy day.
+
+Europe trembles. They light their torches sinister, those trans-alpine
+vacillationists. The church, already less tranquil, dis-segregates itself.
+We laugh.
+
+To your journal there is a future, and there will be a past.
+
+The age has its pulsations, and it never forgets.
+
+I, too, remember.
+
+There is also blood. Upon it already glitters the dust of glory.
+
+Monsieur! I salute you and your _confreres_!
+
+Accept my homage and my emotion.
+
+VICTOR HUGO.
+
+
+
+
+THE HABITS OF GREAT MEN.
+
+
+  "Lives of great men all remind us
+  We can make our lives sublime,
+  And, departing, leave behind us
+  Footprints on the sands of time."
+
+
+Almost since the world began, people have been interested in and
+entertained by gossip respecting the personal habits and individual
+idiosyncrasies of popular writers and orators. It is a universal and
+undying characteristic of human nature. No age has been exempt from it from
+PLINY'S time down to BEECHER'S. It may suitably be called the scarlet-fever
+of curiosity, and rash indeed must be the writer who refuses or neglects to
+furnish any food for the scandal-monger's maw. While we deprecate in the
+strongest terms the custom which persists in lifting the veil of
+personality from the forehead of the great, respect for traditional usages
+and obligation to the present, as well as veneration for the future, impels
+us to reveal some things that are not generally known concerning the men
+who are playing "leading business" on the world's great stage of to-day.
+
+For instance, mankind is generally ignorant of the fact that Mr. SUMNER
+bathes twice a day in a compound, two thirds of which is water and one
+third milk, and that he dictates most of his speeches to a stenographer
+while reclining in the bath-tub. WENDELL PHILLIPS is said to have written
+the greater portion of his famous lecture on "The Lost Arts" on the backs
+of old envelopes while waiting for a train in the Boston depot. Mr. GEORGE
+W. CURTIS prepares his mind for writing by sleeping with his head encased
+in a nightcap lined with leaves of lavender and rose. GRANT, it is said,
+accomplishes most of his writing while under the influence of either opium
+or chloroform, which will account for the soothing character of his state
+papers. WALT WHITMAN writes most of his poetry in the dissecting-room of
+the Medical College, where he has a desk fitted up in close proximity to
+the operating table. Mr. DANA is said to write most of his editorials in
+one of the parlors of the Manhattan Club, arrayed in black broadcloth from
+the sole of his head to the crown of his foot, his hands encased in corn-
+colored kids, a piece of chewing-gum in his mouth, and a bottle of Cherry
+Pectoral by his side. The report that he eats fish every morning for his
+breakfast is untrue: he rejects FISH. COLFAX writes all his speeches and
+lectures with his feet in hot water, and his head wrapped in a moist towel.
+His greatest vice, next to being Vice-President, is to insist upon having
+his writing desk in front of a mirror. BUTLER accomplishes most of his
+literary labor over a dish of soup, which he absorbs through the medium of
+two of his favorite weapons, thus keeping both his hands employed, and
+dictating to an amanuensis every time his mouth enjoys a vacation. BEECHER
+has several methods by which he prepares his mind to write a sermon: By
+riding up and down Broadway on the top of a stage; visiting the Academy of
+Anatomy, or spending a few hours at the Bloomingdale Retreat. Neither
+HOLMES nor WHITTIER are able to write a line of poetry until they are
+brought in contact with the blood of freshly-slain animals; while, on the
+other hand, LONGFELLOW'S only dissipation previous to poetic effort, is a
+dish of baked beans. FORNEY vexes his gigantic intellect with iced water
+and tobacco, (of the latter, "two papers, both daily.") Mr. TILTON composes
+as he reposes in his night-dress, with his hair powdered and "a strawberry
+mark upon his left arm." Mr. PARTON writes with his toes, his hands being
+employed meanwhile knitting hoods for the destitute children of Alaska. Mr.
+P. is a philanthropist. BAYARD TAYLOR writes only in his sleep or while in
+a trance state--notwithstanding the fact that he lives in the State of
+Pennsylvania. He will then dictate enough to require the services of three
+or four stenographers, and in the morning is ready to attend to the
+laborious and exacting duties attached to the position of stockholder in
+the New-York _Tribune_. Mr. GREELEY conceives some of his most
+brilliant editorial articles while churning the mercurial milk of the
+Chappaqua farm into butter; or vexing the gracious grain with the flying
+flail; or listening to the pensive murmurings of the plaintive pigs, and
+the whispered cadences of the kindly cattle. RICHARD GRANT WHITE can't
+write, it is said, until a towel moistened with Cologne water is applied to
+his nostrils. Sometimes, however, he varies the monotony of this method by
+riding several miles in a Third Avenue car, which produces a similar
+effect. OAKEY HALL writes his best things while riding on horseback in
+Central Park; his saddle being arranged with a writing-desk accompaniment;
+and while OAKEY dashes off the sentences, his horse furnishes the Stops.
+And just here we propose to stop furnishing further revelations concerning
+the men whose deeds have made their names famous in current national and
+local history.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GOSSIP IN A SCHOOL-HOUSE.
+
+_Teacher_. "WELL, MINNIE, HAVE YOU ANY THING NEW AT HOME?"
+
+_Interesting Scholar_. "OH! YES; WE'VE SMALL-POX, AND 'LAPSING FEVER,
+AN MEASLES, AND WHOOPING-COUGH."
+
+(_Tableau expressive of consternation_.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Taking the Cue.
+
+
+There is a strong disposition among those of our diplomats who may be able
+to talk a little "pigeon English," to obtain the Chinese position left
+vacant by Mr. BURLINGAME. Most of these gentlemen can point the Moral of
+the matter--the sixty thousand dollars a year--but whether any of them
+would adorn the Tail, is quite another affair.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Questions for H.G.
+
+
+Is not the _Tribune_ influenced by its negrophilism in denouncing
+PIERRE BONAPARTE as an assassin? Had the victim been a BLANC instead of a
+NOIR, would Mr. GREELEY have felt quite as much sympathy for him?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+APROPOS OF THE "ONEIDA."--The windiest excuses of the day are those of
+EYRE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+ARRAH WHAT DOES HE MANE AT ALL?
+
+
+_Scene. The White House_.
+
+ULYSSES ASLEEP. CUBA, ROONEY, AND FISH OUTSIDE ON THE LOBBY.
+
+ROONEY _Loquitur_.
+
+  ULYSSES asthore! Good lord, don't he snore!
+    ULYSSES! ULYSSES, my boy!
+  There's company here, must see you, me dear,
+    In spite of this Spanish kill-joy.
+  This Minister FISH, who, had he his wish,
+    Wud put your ould ROONEY down-stairs.
+  Ay, faith if he dar, but betther by far
+    The sinner was sayin' his pray'rs.
+      Arrah what does he mane at all?
+
+  Now, ULICK S. GRANT, it's your own self I want,
+    To patiently listen, mavrone,
+  To what I've to say, in a fatherly way,
+    As if you wor child ov my own.
+  For shure is it time, in prose or in rhyme,
+    That somebody spoke up, who dar'.
+  ULYSSES awake! for Liberty's sake,
+    It's braykin our hearts you are.
+      Arrah what do you mane at all?
+
+  Och, wirrasthrue vo! it's bitther to know
+    The work that goes an in your name;
+  The murdher an' ruin, that others are doin'
+    Whilst you have to showlder the shame!
+  The grief that is ours, whin you, by the Pow'rs,
+    Seem traytin it all like a joke,
+  Like NAYRO, the thief, whin Room was in grief,
+    That fiddled away in the smoke!
+      Arrah what do you mane at all?
+
+  Och, wake up, ochone! Your innimies groan
+    The words that cut deep as a sword:
+  "He's greedy for goold, an by its slaves rooled
+    ULYSSES is false to his word.
+  See poor Cuba there, all tatthered and bare;
+    For months at his doore she has stud;
+  Not a word he replies to her sobs or her sighs,
+    Nor cares for her tears or her blood!
+      Arrah what does he mane at all?"
+
+  Musha, what's that you say? "Sind the ould fool away."
+    I'm disturbin' your rest wid my prate;
+  There's Minister FISH, to consult if I wish,
+    Who attinds to all matthers of state.
+  An' Cuba, she too, wid her hulabaloo,
+    May just as well bundle an' go;
+  You won't hear us now, wid our murtherin row,
+    You'll sleep it out whether or no!
+      Arrah what do we mane at all?
+
+  Ah! then, by my sowl, this thratemint is foul--
+    To put your best frinds to the blush;
+  An' wor you sinsare, in what you sed there
+    We'd tie up your whistle, my thrush!
+  But ULICK, machree, you can't desave me,
+    By sayin' the word you don't mane;
+  Or make her beleeve who stands at me sleeve,
+    In FISH an' his Castles in Spane.
+      Arrah what do you mane at all?
+
+  'Tis late in the day to talk in that way;
+    We've had ministhers dishes galore,
+  An' laste to my taste, at the blundherin faste,
+    The sauce ov that fish one, asthore.
+  No, ULICK, alan! the work that's in han'
+    Must be done by yourself, if at all.
+  Your cooks, by my troth, are burnin' the broth,
+    We smell it out here in the hall!
+      Arrah what do you mane at all?
+
+  No, ULICK, my boy, rise up to our joy,
+    An' make a clane sweep ov the crowd
+  Of tinkerin tools, an' blundherin fools,
+    That put your wits undher a cloud.
+  Rise up in your might, an' sthrike for the right!
+    Let England an' Spain hear us talk;
+  Give FISH his conjay, an' ROONEY will stay;
+    You'll then see who's cock ov the walk!
+      Arrah what do you mane at all?
+
+  Lave Britain alone; if she won't pay, mavrone,
+    She's puttin' her head into debt.
+  If I know the books, the way the thing looks,
+    She'll pay us, wid intherest, yet!
+  Ay, faith he did say, so wise in his day--
+    That noble ould Graycian, PHILANDER--
+  That sauce for the goose, if well kept for use,
+    Was just as good sauce for the gandher!
+      Arrah what did he mane at all?
+
+  But Spain, the ould wulf, for her tricks in the Gulf,
+    Her robbery, murdher, and worse,
+  _Her_ debt, she must see, is put down C.O.D.,
+    Wid Cuba relaysed from her curse.
+  Ay, FISH, you may sweat, an' SUMNER may threat,
+    An' burst his crack'd head in the row;
+  The People have spoke, that's fire an' not smoke!
+    An' this must be finished, an' now.
+      Arrah what do you mane at all?
+
+  Och! ULICK, awake, for Liberty's sake!
+    If not for your ROONEY, asthore;
+  The Godiss is here, but thrimbles wid fear
+    Ov the cowld-blooded Thing at the doore.
+  She sez that your name a by-word of shame
+    Will be to the nations onborn,
+  If you lie there anmov'd whilst the flag that you lov'd
+    Is flouted by Spaniards wid scorn.
+      Arrah what do you mane at all?
+
+  She sez, an' wid grief, her love for the chief,
+    That fought neath her bannir so long,
+  Will turn into hate, that will cling to the fate
+    Ov him who now sides wid the wrong.
+  She sez ov all woes that misery knows,
+    The grief ov the wronger's the worst
+  Who houlds back his ban' from a sufferin' lan'
+    An' laves her to tyrants accurs'd!
+      Arrah what do you mane at all?
+
+  Ah! _that_ stirs your blood; I thought that it wud.
+    Your rizin', me bouchal; it's done!
+  Go on wid your pray'rs! I'm kickin' down-stairs
+    This ould Spanish mack'rel, for fun.
+  Sweet Liberty here, and Cuba, my dear!
+    You'll stay for the bite an' the sup?
+  An' pardon my joy; since I've woke up the boy
+    I don't know what ind ov me's up!
+      Arrah what did he mane at all?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Travellers' Tales.
+
+
+No one now believes that DR. LIVINGSTONE was burnt for sorcery. The
+originator of the report could have made a more plausible story by
+asserting that LIVINGSTONE refused to marry the daughter of an African
+chief, and was consequently put to death. This would have been strictly in
+accordance with the customs of the African aristocracy, and would also have
+called forth general admiration for the man who preferred to burn rather
+than to marry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+City Hamlets vs. Rural Ditto.
+
+
+The leading cities of late have grown almost wild with excitement over
+their HAMLETS; but in country localities, the hamlets are marked for
+quietude, and a refreshing freedom from all that is stagey, except,
+perhaps, stage-coaches.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NEW-YORK ANTI-ORANGE-PEEL AND BANANA-SKIN ASSOCIATION,
+AS THEY APPEAR IN THEIR GREAT HUMANITARIAN FEAT OF CLEARING THE
+SIDE-WALKS.]
+
+
+ORANGE-PEEL, ET. CETERA.
+
+
+PUNCHINELLO, ever ready to hail with acclamation all that is for the
+welfare of his fellow-men, is delighted to learn that an
+"Anti-Orange-peel-and-Banana-skin Association" has been organized in the
+city of New-York. The great number of severe accidents annually caused by
+the idiotic custom of casting orange-peel and such other lubricious
+integuments recklessly about the side-walks, has long furnished a topic for
+public animadversion. Some of our leading citizens have taken the matter in
+hand--or, to speak more correctly, on foot. The picture at the top of this
+page gives a life-like representation of the Association referred to,
+engaged in their benevolent work of removing from the side-walk with their
+Boots all such fragments as might tend to the development of Slippers. The
+Association has PUNCHINELLO'S best wishes. The Orange-Outangs who render
+the side-walks dangerous have his worst.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HAMLET FROM A RURAL POINT.
+
+The Great FECHTER as HAMLET has given us another proof of the brilliant
+imagination of Mr. DICKENS. The play is so well known that a synopsis of it
+is unnecessary. Yet a few words on the subject.
+
+An economical mother in high society permits baked meats left from a
+funeral festival to be served at a subsequent entertainment. Her son takes
+umbrage at this; becomes morose and sullen; affects spiritualism and
+private theatricals. This leads to serious family difficulties, culminating
+in a domestic broil of unusual violence. The intellectual aim of the piece
+is to show the extraordinary loquacity of a Danish Prince. The moral
+inculcated by it is, "Spare the rod and spoil the child." It is replete
+with quotations from the best authors, and contains many passages of marked
+ability. Its literary merit is unquestionable, though it lacks the vivacity
+of BOUCICAULT, and possesses no situation of such intense interest as the
+scene in ROSINA MEADOWS where the heroine starts for Boston.
+
+Mr. FECHTER presents HAMLET as a perfect "flaxy;" partly in deference to
+the present popularity of the tint, and partly to show a marked contrast
+with his OTHELLO, which character he always makes up as a male brunette.
+His countenance is of great breadth and flexibility, ranging in its full
+compass from the Placid Babe to the Outraged Congressman. His voice extends
+from B flat _profundo_ to the _ut de poitrine piccolo_. The
+emotional nature of HAMLET gives him opportunity to exhibit both of these
+wonderful organs, and in _tutta forza_ passages, where he forces them
+to their utmost power, the effect is exhilarating.
+
+Mr. FECHTER is polished. He does not hesitate to correct the sometimes rude
+and occasionally offensive remarks of HAMLET. Mr. FECHTER is refined. He
+permits "no maggots in a dead dog." He substitutes "trichinae in
+prospective pork." Fashionable patrons will appreciate this. They cherish
+poodles, particularly post-mortem; they disdain swine. Mr. FECHTER is
+polite. He excludes "the insolence of office," and "the cutpurse of the
+empire and the rule." Collector BAILEY'S "fetch" sits in front. Mr. FECHTER
+is fastidious. He omits the prefatory remarks to "assume a virtue," but
+urges his mother to seek relief in Chicago. Considering her frivolous
+conduct and the acrid colloquy consequent upon the comparison of
+photographs, this is filial as well as affectionate.
+
+Minor actors must, of course, be precluded from liberties with the text;
+but presuming the alterations in question to be the result of a
+consultation with Mr. DICKENS, we must rejoice that SHAKESPEARE is being
+toned to good society. We commend the improved readings to the delicate
+susceptibilities of the community.
+
+Mr. FECHTER is a great genius. Distinguished talent is occasionally needed
+to elevate the national taste. How we have outraged theatrical proprieties
+by applauding WALLACK and BOOTH and DAVENPORT! FORREST, forget us. FECHTER,
+forgive us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Epitaph on a Defunct Boarding-House.
+
+Peace to its Hashes!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Apropos of Small-salaried Husbands, who have Extravagant Wives.
+
+"A little earning is a dangerous thing."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Mormon's Motto
+
+Bring 'em Young.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+[Illustration: OUR EFFICIENT NAVY DEPARTMENT.
+
+_Admiral Porter_. The Queen has taken your Jack. You never
+_could_ protect your Jack, Mr. Secretary.
+
+(And they go on with their little game, never heeding the signal of
+distress from the Oneida.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[blank page]
+
+
+JUMBLES.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Truth to tell, I _don't_ like neighbors. I _do_ like
+civilization. The trouble is, neighbors are not always civilized.
+PUNCHINELLO will be impressed with the fact before becoming a single
+weekling. The first floor may be ever so nice, quiet, well-dressed, proper
+folks--but those dreadful musical people in the attic! I hate musical
+people; that is, when in the chrysalis state of learning. Practice makes
+perfect, indeed; but practice also makes a great deal of noise. Noise is
+another of my constitutional dislikes. If these matters must be divided,
+give me the melody, and whoever else will, may take the noise. The truth
+is, my dear PUNCHINELLO--and I may as well begin calling you what the
+public will do one of these early days--there is nothing like notes. But
+bank-notes are my weakness. My weakness in that direction is, I may
+confidently state, very strong. The ladies are not the only greenbacks that
+are accepted at sight; and acceptable to it. The bank on which I should
+like to dwell--do you not guess it?--is the auriferous National. Those
+musical neighbors-how they do play, though! But, to borrow from Mr. SLANG,
+my queer neighbor opposite, they have about played out. Our gentlemanly
+landlord--all landlords are so very gentlemanly, kind, good, and
+considerate--Mr. GRABB, says it don't pay to keep such tenants.
+
+"Mr. GRABB, pay--pray, why don't it pay?"
+
+"Why, Mr. TODD, why, sir--because _they_ don't pay. D'ye see it, Mr.
+TODD?"
+
+Mr. TODD did see it.
+
+"Music hath charms," and all that fine thing; but it can't evidently charm
+a landlord, as at present constructed, into the faith that the notes of a
+fiddle, a clarionet, a bugle, or a trombone are negotiable at the corner
+grocery, or in Wall and State streets.
+
+Going from bars to banks is a distance. But when I go anywhere, I like to
+have it distant. The enjoyment is invariably greater. It saves my tailors,
+hatters, restaurant keepers, and some others, the expense and trouble of
+too much correspondence. Such isn't good for the brain--especially where it
+is small, and easily overtaxed. "Distance lends enchantment to the view."
+May I ask, is or was distance in the brokerage line that it lent
+enchantment to the view? and what might possibly have been the conditions
+on which the loan was made? The man who leaves his country for its (and
+his) good has an especial fondness for the distant. The further off the
+nearer he feels like home. Australia is an El Dorado--the antipodes a
+celestial region. The intervening sea is one over which the most
+penetrating of argus-eyed policemen or sheriffs, can not see. Australia--is
+it not the land of gold? Who that has poached a pile does not gravitate
+there, as the needle to the pole? Of course, I do not mean the
+sewing-machine needle.
+
+Some people think California greater. I don't. The greatness of a country
+does not in all cases turn on its great rogues. New-York and Washington may
+not assent; but, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, isn't it so? These may give it character,
+but of the sort nobody is anxious to carry in his pocket as a wedge by
+which to enter good, genteel society. "Character," says a leading mind, "is
+every thing." Quite true; and if of the right sort, will take a man
+speedily to the noose. Biddy can get the most stunning of characters at the
+first corner for half a week's wages or--stealings. As a general thing, I
+don't believe in characters, and for the reason that a large portion of my
+acquaintances--I go into society a great deal--do not appear to have a bit
+of the article. They say it is unnecessary; that "society" don't demand it;
+and that to have it is like travelling with baggage which is mere rubbish.
+My elastic but excellent friend JENKINS says the only sense that can be put
+on society market to practical advantage is the uncommon scamp. Common
+sense, so-called, is a drug. Old Mr. MATTEROFACT--who heeds him or his?
+He's always pushed into the corner, or crowded to the back seat. Sensible
+people, the world being judges, are a mistake. They were born and educated
+that way. They don't definitely belong anywhere. Trespassers, interlopers,
+impertinents-why should they be tolerated? Doesn't CONGRESSMAN SURFACE, of
+the Forty-fourth District, rule the roast? Isn't Mrs. SIMPLE the pattern
+Woman of the Swell-Front avenue? Who so charming as Widow MILKWATER? Common
+sense might have done once, but that was when the world was younger and yet
+more old-fashioned. It isn't available now. Rust never shines. Out upon it,
+or let it get out. The best place, I would suggest, is out of town--and in
+the woods. Strangers always make people feel uncomfortable.
+
+Need I hint just now that it is Lent? Lent is suggestive. It suggests some
+of my best books. Books are the best of friends. They are honest. They say
+what they feel, and feel what they say. Like other blessings, too, they
+often take to wings and fly; and it proves to be a fly that never returns.
+A good book is a joy forever. The only sad thing about it is, that it keeps
+lent all the time--not so much piously as profanely. Am I my brother's
+keeper? No. But my brother is quite too often a keeper of mine--of mine own
+choice authors. The best of friends are, of course--like the best of
+steaks--rather rare. Like honest men they count only one in ten
+thousand--an extremely small per cent in a commercial point of view.
+Books--what should we do without them? What may we not do with them, if it
+were not for the season of Lent?
+
+I am something of a politician. My friends do not think I am. But they are
+prejudiced--friends always are. I go, on principle, for the greatest good
+of the greatest number. You know that humble, initial figure. I confess to
+a love of loaves and fishes. A nice French loaf, and a delicious salmon in
+the suburbs of green peas--who wouldn't be a politician about that time? I
+have run for office--and at least half a dozen times. But, bless you, I
+never caught it. Some big, burly, brainless cur of a fellow was always
+ahead of me. Very queer in politics--the less the head the more one gets
+ahead. A head is little or nothing; but face, cheek, assurance--such is
+much; is every thing. What are politics but audacity? what professions of
+public good but pretences for private pap? I like politics. Politics,
+however, don't seem to like me. I call myself a patriot; but, strangely
+enough, or otherwise, I have never been called to fill a patriot's
+office--say for $5000 and upward per year. As for a patriot's grave--it's a
+fine thing, no doubt, but I have never regarded it as my "mission" to fill
+that. It affects one's activity and usefulness, and cuts off going to
+FECHTER BOOTH, _Frou-Frou_, the _Twelve Temptations_, and opera.
+I declined all such honors during the war, and on principle; the principal
+thing being that I had no taste for lead and iron. Iron, I know, is good
+for the blood; but taken in bullets, it lessens instead of increases the
+circulation. These metals are quite too much for a delicate stomach. Shells
+as a drink I like; shells as bombs I do _not_ like. They are
+unhealthy. As a beverage I can surround it several times a day, and bless
+the climate that grows it, and the cask that makes it. But of shells, as of
+company, I prefer to make my choice. I, too, have my choice of office. I am
+strong and can draw well. My _forte_ is drawing salary. That may not
+be the highest form of art, but it is unquestionably artful. Moreover, it
+is the one mankind, if it could, would cultivate with the most assiduity.
+It is the plaster every man would put to his back.
+
+As a politician I believe in myself first, my pocket second, my country
+third. This platform is strong and satisfactory--at least to your friend,
+
+TIMOTHY TODD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ALBANY COCK-ROBINS.
+
+  Who killed the Charter?
+    I, says the _Herald_,
+    With wit _a la_ JERROLD.
+    As Assemblymen I ferruled,
+      And I killed the Charter.
+
+  Who killed the Charter?
+    I, says the _World_,
+    With my blunders hurled
+    And black flag unfurled,
+      And I killed the Charter.
+
+  Who killed the Charter?
+    I, says the _Sun_,
+    With my sensation fun,
+    Or my Sol-ferino gun,
+      And I killed the Charter.
+
+  Who killed the Charter?
+    I, says PUNCHINELLO,
+    With my wit so mellow,
+    I was the very fellow
+      Who killed off the Charter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+THE DWARF DEJECTED.
+
+
+A pathetic recital for the benefit of you, or me, or any other snail who
+may want a tortoise-shell.
+
+In what year, or under what king Bezoman, lived he, no matter. Suffice it
+to know he still survives.
+
+Once he was happy!
+
+Once, whene'er the eventide flooded the earth with effulgent glory, and
+each little star began to wonder who I was, to the loftiest turret of his
+quite commodious castle this dwarf would climb, and muse upon sciology and
+the cosmic forces.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Oh! Life is joy--is peace to me!" would he cry, ever and anon.
+
+And ever an anonymous owl would scream, "To whoo? To whoo?"
+
+Upon one eventful eve he sat upon his turret.
+
+Gazing around, he sprang upon his feet.
+
+"What, ho!" he cried, as a glimmer of light shot across the surface of the
+lake, "What, ho! A light in the ship-house! Tis the red light of danger! I
+forbode."
+
+Glancing around and beneath him, he perceived that the stucco was peeling
+from his favorite turret. "Here is danger, indeed!" he said; and loudly
+shouted for his ah! too dilatory servant to bring the ladder by which he
+ascended and descended his lofty pinnacle. At last the servant came, and he
+was a new and somewhat weighty waiter youth.
+
+"Ah! big lad--!" then said the dwarf.
+
+"I am glad, good sir," replied the boy.
+
+"I would have the big ladder!" cried his master.
+
+"I can't be gladder," said the boy.
+
+The dwarf looked pityingly down upon the youth for several moments.
+
+"Are you a natural-born fool?" said he.
+
+The boy advanced to the edge of the roof, made a bow, placed one arm at
+right angles before him, while the other hung by his side, and thus he sang
+his song:
+
+  "I've never been to public school,
+    My vaccination did not take.
+  Perhaps I will grow up a fool;
+    But that my heart will never break.
+
+  I would not win in learning's race,
+    Nor e'er be rich and lose my looks;
+  I think that a small-pocked face
+    Is worse than e'en small pocket-books.
+  Then, didy fol, la, la, la, la!--"
+
+"Stop!" cried the now enraged dwarf. "Begone! ere I, base boy! shall heave
+the turret down."
+
+"Certainly," replied the youth. "Big, ornary, base boy shall leave thee to
+rot down. Oh! yes; of course, of course!" And away he went.
+
+The Court fool came at last and let his master down.
+
+"Oh! ho!" said he of the motley, as the dwarf came slowly down the ladder.
+"Thou art now the first descendant of thy house."
+
+The dwarf laughed, and fell the rest of the way. "No matter!" he cried,
+rubbing his shins. "My house shall follow me. It shall come down too. I am
+going to have it all built up anew."
+
+"Bravo!" said the clown. "I thought you were too happy."
+
+On the next day the door-bell of the castle rang, and soon a varlet came to
+fast inform my lord the dwarf that in the parlor waited now a giant, and on
+the card he gave his name was written, "S.T. Mate." The dwarf unto his
+parlor quick repaired, and there, upon some dozen chairs the giant sat,
+smiling benign.
+
+"Hail to thee! good Sir Dwarf," spake the mammoth, and rising and folding
+his arms across his breast, he sang, in royal bass, his song:
+
+  "I hear that thou, O neighbor brave!
+    Thy edifice anew would build.
+  I come to much vain labor save.
+    If thou to hear me now art willed."
+
+"Proceed," said the dwarf, seating himself upon a piano-stool, and screwing
+himself up until he was near the ceiling and on a level with the singer's
+head. The giant proceeded:
+
+  "If thou shouldst build thy house thyself,
+    The cost thou surely ne'er would know;
+  But if I take the job, my friend.
+    You'll see where every cent will go."
+
+"I like that," said the dwarf. "Pray sing some more."
+
+  "I'll tell you just what it will cost;
+    And all that you will have to do
+  Will be to travel for a time,
+    Whilst I your castle build anew."
+
+"That's capital!" cried the delighted dwarf. "It would suit me exactly.
+Warble me yet other wood notes wild."
+
+The giant sang on:
+
+  "A castle such as you will want
+    Will cost you eighty pounds--or so.
+  I'll charge you nothing for my time;
+    You'll see where every cent will go."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The dwarf revolved himself rapidly, and quickly reached the floor.
+
+"The concert's over!" he cried, "and here's a check for eighty pounds.
+Proceed! Tear down; construct! I leave tonight for foreign parts. Write me
+when all is done. Adieu."
+
+The interview terminated.
+
+The clown, who had overheard this fair discourse, now left the castle; and
+retiring to a secluded spot, where--a willow drooped sadly o'er the brook,
+he laid him down and died.
+
+The dwarf to foreign parts now hied, and when twelve months had passed, and
+he had had no news of his grand castle, he returned home.
+
+He found the castle finished--all but the roof and walls. The deep cellars,
+with their marble copings just peeping 'neath the heavy mass of weeds that
+clustered to their very edge, were dark and solemn. The sly fox slunk along
+their passages, and grim serpents reared their heads from many a gloomy
+corner.
+
+The dwarf, he gazed in silence!
+
+By heavy sighs his breast was heaven, and black thoughts made his soul like
+Hades!
+
+Anon he mounted in hot haste, and rode unto the giant's castle on the
+distant hills. By sundown, the dwarf he saw on the horizon a great blue
+mass, the sight of which did move his inmost being.
+
+"It is his castle!" quoth he, and he gave his steed free rein.
+
+The interview was terrible!
+
+All the domestics fled and hid themselves in distant dells.
+
+At last the dwarf, exhausted by vituperation, sank upon the flagstones of
+the court-yard. Then folded the giant his arms and sang his song:
+
+  "Oh! hear me now, misguided dwarf,
+    Eight thousand pound more I must ask.
+  Materials, and labor too,
+    All rose since I began my task.
+
+  Among the things we can't divine.
+    Are values of such terms as 'so;'
+  But I've all items entered straight,
+    Where all the money goes you'll know."
+
+The dwarf gave one quick savage glance at the pocket of the giant, S.T.
+MATE, and then, without a word, he proudly crossed the drawbridge.
+
+But he had not long left the castle at his back ere dejection crept upon
+him and never left him more.
+
+The dwarf he did his cellar reach, fainting, almost bereft of speech; and
+as his men he staggered by, with panting breast and haggard eye,
+
+"Minstrel!" he cried, "O laggard! I for deepest depths of Lethe long. Get
+thy guitar and sing a song!"
+
+The minstrel sang:
+
+  "O Estimate!
+  Thy name is great,
+MEDUSA's head thou sure must own.
+  Do as we will,
+  Thy coming still
+Turns all our hard-earned cash to stone."
+
+The dwarf, now sunk in Lethe's mud, did snore; knowing the sign, the
+minstrel then forbore.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ODE TO THE MISSING COLLECTOR.
+
+BY REGALIA REYNA.
+
+
+  Where are _you now_, MR. BAILEY?
+  We've been looking for you daily,
+  Sometimes sadly, sometimes gayly,
+     Ever since the week begun.
+  Loving you so dear as we do,
+  Doting on you, doubting for you,
+  Looking for you, longing for you,
+  Waiting for you, watching for you,
+     Fearing you have cut and run,
+     Ere your heavy task was done
+     In cigars, and snuff, and rum;
+     Spoiling for us lots of fun,
+     And racy items for _The Sun_,
+     In the seizure rows begun,
+     And the heavy raids to come.
+     Think of poor, forsaken KIRBY,
+     Think of honest-scented HARVEY!
+     Your desertion, J. F. BAILEY,
+     "Busts" our glorious Trinity;
+     Robs the law of subtlety,
+     Knocks our look for _moietie_,
+     Knocks that Jersey property!
+     So much whisky all set free:
+     Where is SHIELDS to get his fee?
+  Think of melancholy PUFFER,
+  What the aged CHILDS must suffer!
+  JOSHUA F., the noble buffer,
+     "Lost to sight, to memory dear,"
+  Think of energetic VAIL
+  Looking round to get his bail,
+  While you're riding on a rail,
+  Or on ocean gayly sail
+     For UNCLE BULL'S dominion!
+  How could you thus fly the track
+  With so many stores to "crack,"
+  And COLUMBUS at your back
+  To defy the whiskey pack
+     And popular opinion?
+  Whiskey "fellers" feeling badly,
+  Cigar-sellers smoking madly,
+  Bondsmen looking sorely, sadly,
+     If their signatures are clear,
+     If you will not cost them dear,
+     If in court they must appear
+     Mournfully, in doubt and fear.
+     Oh! you weak, unfeeling cuss,
+     To get them in this shocking muss;
+     How their pocket-books will rue it!
+     J.F.B., how _could_ you do it?
+  Are you putting for the West,
+  Did you take French leave for Brest,
+  Have you feathered well your nest,
+  Do you sweetly take your rest;
+  Say, whom _do_ you like the best--
+     COOK, or JENKS, or FULLERTON?
+  Would you, JOSH, believe it true,
+  At the moment, sir, when you
+  Waited for that verdict blue,
+  O'er the wires the message flew,
+  Paid or franked by BOUTWELL through:
+  "The gig is up; the cuss won't do.
+  Put the district Thirty-two
+     Under General PLEASANTON."
+  Oh! the vile ingratitude;
+  Of Statesmen in this latitude;
+  Worse than DELANO'S attitude.
+  Say, what is your longitude,
+     East or West from Washington?
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Fox"-y.
+
+FECHTER'S wig in HAMLET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Echoes of the Clubs."
+
+SOUND of the policemen's _batons_ on the sidewalk.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Over and Under.
+
+INDIANA is said to be "going over" her divorce laws. She has certainly gone
+long enough under them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Bullet-in.
+
+THE government has so many bad guns on hand that it deserves to be called,
+"A snapper-up of unconsidered Rifles."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Every Little Helps.
+
+THE British newspapers say that ARTHUR HELPS writes the PRINCE OF WALES'S
+speeches. Now, if ARTHUR HELPS the Prince, who helps ARTHUR?
+
+
+
+
+CONDENSED CONGRESS.
+
+
+SENATE.
+
+
+By particular request, the Georgia bill came up. So did Senator SCHURZ. He
+approved of almost all propositions which tended to complicate questions,
+because the more complication the more offices, the more offices the more
+patronage, and the more patronage the more fees. He knew that it was an
+alluring precedent which was offered them in the action of the legislature
+of Georgia, retaining itself for double the term it was elected to serve.
+But it was the duty of Congress to resist temptation. He used the word duty
+advisedly. Gentlemen might sneer; but he could tell them that the public
+would not stand the infliction of such a Senate as that which he saw before
+him for a day longer than it was obliged to by law. By disregarding law, he
+wished to know whether the laws would not be greater than the profits. He
+admitted that this was a pun; but appealed to PUNCHINELLO upon the point of
+the propriety of puns. Reform, he would say, was a "plant" of slow growth.
+He had sown it; and his colleague, Mr. -----, had watered it; but it did
+not seem to thrive in Missouri.
+
+Mr. DRAKE, who has been studying elocution under a graduate of the Old
+Bowery, and has acquired a most tragic croak, which, with a little rouge
+and burnt cork, and haggard hair, gives him a truly awful aspect, remarked
+that the soil of the South was clotted with blood by fiends in human shape,
+(sensation in the diplomatic gallery.) The metaphor might be meaningless;
+but it struck him it was strong. These fiends were doubly protected by
+midnight and the mask. In his own State the Ku-Klux ranged together with
+the fierce whang-doodle. His own life had been threatened. (Faint
+applause.) He had received an express package marked in large letters,
+"D.H." The President of the United States, an expert in express packages,
+had told him this meant "Dead Head." Was this right? Hah! Bellud!! Gore was
+henceforth his little game. He would die in his seat. (Great cheering,
+which rendered the remainder of the senator's remarks inaudible.)
+
+The case of the admission of General AMES as a senator from Mississippi
+came up. Senator CONKLING said that he had no objection to AMES in
+particular; but in Brigadier-General, he considered the principle of
+letting in men who elected themselves to be bad. Notoriously, General AMES
+did not live in Mississippi. He considered this rather creditable to
+General AMES'S good sense than otherwise. But did it not operate as a
+trivial disqualification against his coming here to represent Mississippi?
+Besides, if generals were allowed to elect themselves, where would it end?
+General AUGUR, he believed, commanded the Indian district. He would send
+himself to the Senate from that region, and be howling about the Piegan
+massacre and such outrages upon his constituents, with which the Senate had
+been sickened already. In that case AUGUR, he grieved to say, would be a
+Bore. Then there is CANBY, who commands in Virginia. CANBY would like to be
+a senator, no doubt, like other people who never tried it; and he will be
+if he CANBY. A distinguished friend of his in the other house, whom it
+would be detrimental to the public service for him to name, if this
+military representation were to be recognized, instead of sitting for a
+district in Massachusetts, would represent Dutch Gap. They had already, in
+his friend from Missouri, a representative of the German Flats; and he
+submitted that a member from Dutch Gap would be two tonic for the body
+politic.
+
+Mr. HOWARD was in favor of the admission of AMES. He considered the
+arguments of the last speaker paltry, and his puns beneath contempt. What
+difference did it make whether AMES represented Mississippi or not?
+Mississippi was disloyal, and didn't deserve to have any representative.
+AMES was a good fellow, and a good officer. Besides, he had been through
+West-Point and knew something. He understood he played a very fair game of
+billiards, and he would be an ornament to the Senate. Let us let him in.
+The Senate had already let in REVELS, who had been sent by AMES; and it was
+absurd to keep out AMES, who was the master of the REVELS. He considered
+that, in the language of a manly sport with which senators were familiar,
+he "saw" Senator CONKLING'S puns, and went several better, though he did
+not wish to be considered a better himself.
+
+All this time, singular to say, Senator SUMNER remained silent.
+
+
+HOUSE.
+
+
+The House had a little amusement over polygamy in Utah. That institution
+shocks Mr. WARD, of New-York, and naturally also Mr. BUTLER, of
+Massachusetts. Mr. WARD was astonished to see any member standing up in
+defence of polygamy in the nineteenth century. If some member should stand
+up in any other century and defend it, it would not astonish him at all. It
+was sheer inhumanity to refuse to come to the rescue of our suffering
+brethren in Utah. How a man who had one wife could consent to see fellow-
+creatures writhing under the infliction of two or three each, was what, Mr.
+WARD remarked, got over him. Mr. BUTLER pointed out how much money the
+Mormons had made.
+
+Mr. Cox did not see why we should interfere by force to prevent a man's
+marrying as many wives as he chose. Such a man was his own worst enemy; and
+his crime carried its own punishment.
+
+Mr. HOOPER, of Utah, said the bill was an outrage. By all the wives that he
+held most sacred, he felt impelled to resent it. MOSES was a polygamist;
+hence his meekness. If this sort of thing was continued, no man's wives
+would be safe. His own partners would be torn from him, and turned out upon
+the world. He scorned to select from among them. Take all or none.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE MARRIAGE MARKET IN ROME.
+
+
+The business of catching impecunious counts, of magnetizing bankrupt
+marquises, and of plucking penniless princes, as practised by American
+women, appears to absorb all the attention in Rome at present. The rage for
+titles is said to be so great among some classes of Americans resident in
+the Holy City, that the only song one hears at evening parties and
+receptions is the one commencing,
+
+  "When I can read my title clear."
+
+We should not be surprised any day to hear that a marriage market had been
+opened on one of the plazas of Rome, the quotations of which would read
+something after this fashion: Husbands dull and declining; American
+beauties more active; foreign mammas less firm; American securities in
+great demand; the market in princes somewhat stronger; holders of titles
+much sought after; brains without money a drug in the market; "bogus"
+counts at a discount; the genealogy market panicky and falling; the stock
+of nobility rapidly depreciating; the pedigree exchange market flat and
+declining, etc., etc. This traffic in titles, this barter in dowries, this
+swapping of "blood" for dollars, is an offense too rank for words to embody
+it. The trade in cadetships is mild in comparison with it, because in these
+commercial transactions with counts, while one party may be the purchaser,
+both parties are inevitably seen to be sold. The business may only be
+excusable on the theory that "an even exchange is no robbery." But so long
+as brains are not bartered for a title, or beauty sacrificed for a
+pedigree, we should not complain. Of money, there is plenty in America;
+and, while marquises are in the market, let Shoddy continue to pipe for its
+own. A fig for Macbeth's philosophy that "blood will have blood." We modify
+it in these degenerate days to "blood will have money:"
+
+  "Maidens, like moths, are ever caught by glare;
+  And Mammon wins his way where Seraphs might despair."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  "The Lay of the Last Minstrel."
+
+  "SHOO FLY, don't bodder me."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Benedict's Time."
+
+THE honeymoon.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Homoeopathic Cure for Hydrophobia.
+
+BARK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Ode to my Washerwoman.
+
+$2 50.
+
+
+
+
+A.T. STEWART & CO.
+
+ARE MAKING
+
+_GREAT REDUCTIONS,_
+
+In the Prices of the Goods
+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
+Towels, Towelings,
+
+Blankets. Flannels,
+
+Quilts, Counterpanes, Carpets, Mats, Rugs,
+
+
+ENGLISH AND AMERICAN OIL-CLOTHS
+
+Upholstery Goods in Brocatelles,
+
+Silk Terrys, Plain Satins, Figured
+
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+
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+
+Etc., Etc., Etc.,
+
+AT EXTREMELY LOW PRICES.
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+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BROADWAY,
+
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+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The two great objects of a learner's ambition ought to be to speak a
+foreign language idiomatically, and to pronounce it correctly; and these
+are the objects which are most carefully provided for in the MASTERY
+SYSTEM.
+
+The Mastery of Languages;
+
+OR
+
+THE ART OF SPEAKING LANGUAGES
+
+IDIOMATICALLY.
+
+BY THOMAS PRENDERGAST.
+
+  _I. Hand-Book of The Mastery Series.
+
+ II. The Mastery Series. French.
+
+III. The Mastery Series. German.
+
+ IV. The Mastery Series. Spanish._
+
+PRICE 50 CENTS EACH.
+
+_From Professor E.M. Gallaudet, of the National Deaf Mute College._
+
+"The results which crowned the labor of the first week were so astonishing
+that he fears to detail them fully lest doubts should be raised as to his
+credibility. But this much he does not hesitate to claim, that, after a
+study of less than two weeks, he was able to sustain conversation in the
+newly-acquired language on a great variety of subjects."
+
+FROM THE ENGLISH PRESS.
+
+"The principle may be explained in a line--it is first learning the
+language, and then studying the grammar, and then learning (or trying to
+learn) the language."--_Morning Star_.
+
+"We know that there are some who have given Mr. Prendergast's plan a trial,
+and discovered that in a few weeks its results had surpassed all their
+expectations."--_Record_.
+
+"A week's patient trial of the French Manual has convinced that the method
+is sound."--_Papers for the Schoolmaster_.
+
+"The simplicity and naturalness of the system are obvious."--_Herald_
+(Birmingham.)
+
+"We know of no other plan which will infallibly lead to the result in a
+reasonable time."--_Norfolk News_.
+
+
+FROM THE AMERICAN PRESS.
+
+
+"The system is as near as can be to the one in which a child learns to
+talk."--_Troy Whig_.
+
+"We would advise all who are about to begin the study of languages to give
+it a trial."--_Rochester Democrat_.
+
+"For European travellers this volume is invaluable."--_Worcester Spy_.
+
+
+Either of the above volumes sent by mail free to any part of the United
+States on receipt of price.
+
+D. APPLETON & CO., Publishers,
+
+90, 92, and 94 Grand Street, New-York.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RED AS A ROSE IS SHE.
+
+_Third Edition._
+
+D. APPLETON & CO.,
+
+90, 92, and 94 Grand Street,
+
+Have now ready the Third Edition of
+
+RED AS A ROSE IS SHE.
+
+By the Author of "Cometh up as a Flower."
+
+1 vol. 8vo. Paper Covers, 60 cents.
+
+From the New-York _Evening Express_.
+
+"This is truly a charming novel; for half its contents breathe the very
+odor of the flower it takes as its title."
+
+From the Philadelphia _Inquirer_.
+
+"The author can and does write well; the descriptions of scenery are
+particularly effective, always graphic, and never overstrained."
+
+D.A. & Co. have just published:
+
+A SEARCH FOR WINTER SUNBEAMS IN THE
+
+RIVIERA, CORSICA, ALGIERS, AND SPAIN.
+
+By Hon. S.S. Cox. Illustrated. Price, $3.
+
+REPTILES AND BIRDS: A POPULAR ACCOUNT OF THEIR VARIOUS ORDERS, WITH A
+DESCRIPTION OF THE HABITS AND ECONOMY OF THE MOST INTERESTING.
+
+by Louis Figuier. Illustrated with 907 wood-cuts. 1 vol. 8vo, $6.
+
+
+HEREDITARY GENIUS: AN INQUIRY INTO ITS LAWS AND CONSEQUENCES.
+
+By Francis Galton. 1 vol. 8vo. $3.50.
+
+
+HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES OP
+
+LEARNING LANGUAGES.
+
+  I. THE HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES.
+
+ II. THE MASTERY SERIES, FRENCH.
+
+III. THE MASTERY SERIES, GERMAN,
+
+ IV. THE MASTERY SERIES, SPANISH.
+
+Price, 50 cents each.
+
+
+Either of the above sent free by mail to any address on receipt of the
+price.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
+[Illustration: DAT'S WHAT'S DE MATTER. _Melodramatic Tonsor_. "Boss,
+WHAT'S DE MATTER? WHAT DE BITTER CAUSE OF DAT PENSIB LEMENCHOLY?"
+
+_Boss, (gloomily.)_ "AH! CAUSE 'NUFF. DE RIGHTS OB DE CULLID PUSSON IS
+FORGOT, AND DE SIXTEENTH 'MENDMENT AND SUFFERIN' WOMAN RULES DE ROOST!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Harper's Periodicals.
+
+Magazine. Weekly. Bazar.
+
+_Subscription Price, $4 per year each. $10 for the three._
+
+An Extra Copy of either the MAGAZINE, WEEKLY, or BAZAR will be supplied
+gratis for every Club of Five Subscribers at $4 each, in one remittance;
+or, Six Copies for $20.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HARPER'S CATALOGUE
+
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+personally, or by letter, inclosing six cents in postage-stamps.
+
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+
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+
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+
+
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+
+
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+
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+
+
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+
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+THIRD:
+
+_BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER_.
+
+This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It knits every
+thing.
+
+
+FOURTH:
+
+_AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE_.
+
+This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on all
+former machines. No. 1, with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and Cover,
+complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole parts,
+etc., price, $60.
+
+
+WE WILL SEND THE
+
+Family Spinner,                       price, $8, for 4 subscribers and $16.
+No. 1 Crochet,                        price,  8, for 4 subscribers and 16.
+No. 2 Crochet,                        price, 15, for 6 subscribers and 24.
+No. 1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles,  price, 30, for 12 subscribers and 48.
+No. 2 Automatic Knitter, 84 needles,  price, 33, for 13 subscribers and 52.
+No. 3 Automatic Knitter, 100 needles, price, 37, for 15 subscribers and 60.
+No. 4 Automatic Knitter, 2 cylinders }
+                         1 72 needles}price, 40, for 16 subscribers and 64.
+                         1 100 needles}
+
+No. 1 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, price, $75, for 30
+subscribers and L120.
+No. 2 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, without buttonhole
+parts, etc. price, 60, for 25 subscribers and 100.
+
+
+Descriptive Circulars
+
+
+Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and
+full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers.
+
+Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct
+seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers
+and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send
+single names as they obtain they them, deducting the commission.
+
+Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts on
+New-York City; or if these can not be obtained, then by Registered Letters,
+which any post-master will furnish. Charges on money sent by express must
+be prepaid, or the net amount only will be credited.
+
+Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit to prevent
+error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and State.
+
+The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable quarterly
+in advance, at the place where it was received. Subscribers in the British
+Provinces will remit twenty cents in addition to subscription.
+
+All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY P. O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street,
+NEW-YORK
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 2, April 9,
+1870, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, V1, N2 ***
+
+This file should be named 7p10210.txt or 7p10210.zip
+Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 7p10211.txt
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+Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 2, April 9, 1870, by Various
+
+Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the
+copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing
+this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook.
+
+This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project
+Gutenberg file.  Please do not remove it.  Do not change or edit the
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+Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the
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+**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971**
+
+*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!*****
+
+
+Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 2, April 9, 1870
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: December, 2005 [EBook #9481]
+[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
+[This file was first posted on October 4, 2003]
+
+Edition: 10
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, V1, N2 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson,
+Marvin A. Hodges and the Online Distributed Proofreaders
+
+
+
+
+
+"The Printing House of the United States,"
+
+GEO. F. NESBITT & CO.,
+
+General JOB PRINTERS,
+BLANK BOOK Manufacturers,
+STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail,
+LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers,
+COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers,
+CARD Manufacturers,
+ENVELOPE Manufacturers,
+FINE CUT and COLOR Printers.
+
+163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST.,
+73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New-York.
+
+ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under the immediate
+supervision of the proprietors.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WALTHAM WATCHES.
+
+3-4 PLATE.
+
+_16 and 30 Sizes._
+
+To the manufacture of these fine Watches the Company have devoted all the
+science and skill in the art at their command, and confidently claim that,
+for fineness and beauty, no less than for the greater excellences of
+mechanical and scientific correctness of design and execution, these
+watches are unsurpassed anywhere.
+
+In this country the manufacture of this fine grade of Watches is not even
+attempted except at Waltham.
+
+FOR SALE BY ALL LEADING JEWELLERS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOLLER'S PUREST NORWEGIAN
+
+COD-LIVER OIL.
+
+
+"Of late years it has become almost impossible to get any Cod-Liver Oil
+that patients can digest, owing to the objectionable mode of procuring and
+preparing the livers....Moller, of Christiana, Norway, prepares an oil
+which is perfectly pure, and in every respect all that can be wished."--
+DR. L. A. SAYRE, before Academy of Medicine. See _Medical Record_,
+December, 1869, p. 447.
+
+
+SOLD BY DRUGGISTS,
+
+
+W. H. SCHIEFFELIN & CO.,
+
+
+Sole Agents for the United States and Canada.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Vol. 1. No. 2.]
+
+PUNCHINELLO
+
+
+SATURDAY, APRIL 9, 1870.
+
+
+PUBLISHED BY THE
+
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,
+
+
+83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCHINELLO April 9, 1870
+
+APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN
+
+"PUNCHINELLO"
+
+Should be addressed to
+
+J. NICKINSON,
+
+Room No. 4,
+
+83 NASSAU STREET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE "BREWSTER WAGON,"
+
+The Standard for Style and Quality.
+
+BREWSTER & COMPANY,
+
+of Broome Street.
+
+WAREROOMS,
+
+Fifth Avenue, corner of Fourteenth Street.
+
+ELEGANT CARRIAGES,
+
+_In all the fashionable Varieties,_
+
+EXCLUSIVELY OF OUR OWN BUILD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Thomas J. Rayner & Co.,
+
+29 LIBERTY STREET,
+
+New-York,
+
+MANUFACTURERS OF THE
+
+_Finest Cigars made in the United States._
+
+All sizes and styles. Prices very moderate. Samples sent to
+any responsible house. Also importers of the
+
+_"FUSBOS" BRAND,_
+
+Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and for ten
+ to twenty per cent cheaper.
+
+Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money by
+calling at
+
+29 LIBERTY STREET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GEO. BOWLEND,
+
+ARTIST,
+
+Room No. 11,
+
+No. 160 FULTON STREET,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEVILL & HAMMAR,
+
+Wood Engravers,
+
+No. 208 BROADWAY,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+With a large and varied experience in the management and publication of a
+paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the still more positive
+advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the undertaking, the
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING C0.
+
+OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK
+
+Presents to the public for approval, the
+
+NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL
+
+WEEKLY PAPER,
+
+PUNCHINELLO,
+
+The first number of which will be Issued under date of April 2, 1870, and
+thereafter weekly.
+
+PUNCHINELLO will be _National_, and not _local_; and will
+endeavour to become a household word in all parts of the country; and to
+that end has secured a
+
+VALUABLE CORPS OF CONTRIBUTORS
+
+in various sections of the Union, while its columns will always be open to
+appropriate first-class literary and artistic talent.
+
+PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous and witty, without
+vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It will be printed on a superior
+tinted paper of sixteen pages, size 13 by 9, and will be for sale by all
+respectable newsdealers who have the judgment to know a good thing when
+they see it, or by subscription from this office.
+
+The Artistic department will be in charge of Henry L. Stephens, whose
+celebrated cartoons in VANITY FAIR placed him in the front rank of humorous
+artists, assisted by leading artists in their respective specialties.
+
+The management of the paper will be in the hands of WILLIAM A. STEPHENS,
+with whom is associated CHARLES DAWSON SHANLY, both of whom were identified
+with VANITY FAIR.
+
+ORIGINAL ARTICLES,
+
+Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive ideas or
+sketches for Illustrations, upon the topics of the day, are always
+acceptable, and will be paid for liberally.
+
+Rejected communications can not be returned, unless postage stamps are
+inclosed.
+
+Terms:
+
+One copy, per year, in advance.................... $4.00
+
+Single copes, ten cents.
+
+A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten cents.
+
+One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine or paper
+price, $2.50, for..................... 5.50
+
+One copy, with any magazine or paper price, $4, for.... 7.00
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
+
+No. 83 Nassau Street,
+
+NEW-YORK,
+
+P.O. Box 2783.
+
+(_For terms to Clubs, see 16th page._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mercantile Library
+
+Clinton Hall, Astor Place
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+This is now the largest circulating Library In America, the number of
+volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 volumes are added each
+month; and very large purchases are made of all new and popular works.
+
+Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each delivery.
+
+TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP:
+
+TO CLERKS,
+
+$1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues.
+
+TO OTHERS, $5 a year.
+
+SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR SIX MONTHS.
+
+BRANCH OFFICES
+
+AT
+
+NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK,
+
+and at
+
+Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AMERICAN
+
+BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING
+
+AND
+
+SEWING-MACHINE CO.,
+
+563 Broadway, New-York.
+
+This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on all
+former machines, making, in addition to all the work done on best
+Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful
+
+BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES:
+
+in all fabrics.
+
+Machine, with finely finished
+
+OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER
+
+complete,$75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts, $60. This last is
+beyond all question the simplest, easiest to manage and to keep in order,
+of any machine in the market. Machines warranted, and full instruction
+given to purchasers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HENRY SPEAR
+
+STATIONER, PRINTER
+
+AND
+
+BLANK BOOK MANUFACTURER,
+
+ACCOUNT BOOKS
+
+MADE TO ORDER.
+
+PRINTING OF EVERY DESCRIPTION.
+
+82 Wall Street
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE UMBRELLA. A VIEW OF THE SHADY SIDE OF LIFE.
+
+A ripe pippin falling upon the head of Sir ISAAC NEWTON (a clear case of
+hard cider on the brain) suggested the laws of gravitation. An elderly
+countryman passing my window this clear bright day, attended by his
+faithful umbrella, suggested the following reflections.
+
+The term Umbrella comes from the Latin _umbra_, a shade--the whole
+signifying "keep shady."
+
+This definition well describes the nature of the article; for, as it
+undoubtedly "keeps shady" in fine weather when the sun is fervent, so it is
+apt to "keep shady" in rainy weather, when most wanted.
+
+It is as difficult to say when the umbrella came, or where it came from, as
+it is to tell where it goes to. Rumor hath it, however, that it came in
+(that is, out of the rain) with NOAH. The story (as given us by an
+antiquarian relative) says that when the Ark was built the camelopard was
+forgotten, and it was found necessary to cut a hole in the roof to
+accommodate the animal's neck. This done, SHEM sat upon the roof and held
+an umbrella. SHEM thus _raised_ the umbrella. Then our further
+question follows, Where did he raise it? Evidently he raised the umbrella
+on the Ark.
+
+These theories seem to us to be entitled to serious consideration; and
+certainly it is a reasonable belief that, as the present suffering from the
+high price of clothing is due to the sin of our first parents, so the
+umbrella is the curse entailed by royalty, coming in with the First Reign
+spoken of in history.
+
+The umbrella appears again in ancient time in connection with DANIEL, who,
+it is said, carried one into the lions' den. The authority for this is a
+historical painting that has fallen into the hands of an itinerant showman.
+A curious fact is stated with reference to this picture, namely, that
+DANIEL so closely resembled the lions in personal appearance that it was
+necessary for the showman to state that "DANIEL might easily be
+distinguished from the lions on account of the blue cotton umbrella under
+his right arm."
+
+For what purpose this umbrella may have been carried we can only surmise.
+
+The most probable theory is, that it was to be used there to intimidate the
+lions, as it has since been used toward mad bulls and other ferocious
+beasts.
+
+We have now taken hold pretty firmly of what may be called the handle of
+the umbrella. We have learned that, as ADAM raised CAIN, NOAH raised the
+umbrella, and DANIEL carried one.
+
+We have learned further that the umbrella carried by DANIEL was a blue
+cotton umbrella--undoubtedly the most primitive type of the umbrella.
+
+It is one of this class that your country friend brings down with him, that
+darkeneth the heavens as with a canopy and maketh you ashamed of your
+company. It is such an umbrella as this that is to be found or might have
+been found, in ancient days, in every old farm-house--one that covered the
+whole household when it went to church, occupying as much room when closed
+as would the tent of an Arab.
+
+We have heard it said that it was the impossibility of two umbrellas of
+this nature passing each other on a narrow road which led to the invention
+of covered wagons.
+
+There is nothing lovely about a blue cotton umbrella, though there may have
+been _under_ it at times and seasons. Skeletons of the species, much
+faded as to color, much weakened as to whalebone, may still be found here
+and there in backwoods settlements, where they are known as "umbrells;"
+there are but few perfect specimens in existence.
+
+The present style of the umbrella is varied, and sometimes elegant. The
+cover is of silk; the ribs are of steel oftener than of bone, and the
+handle is wrought into divers quaint and beautiful shapes. The most common
+kind is the _hooked umbrella_. Most people have hooked umbrellas--or,
+if this statement be offensive to any one, we will say that most people
+have had umbrellas hooked. The chance resemblance of this expression to one
+signifying to obstruct illegally that which properly belongs to another,
+reminds us to speak of the singular fact that the umbrella is not property.
+This is important. It rests on judicial decision, and becomes more
+important when we remember that by similar decision the negro is property,
+and that, therefore, until emancipation, the umbrella was superior to the
+negro. The judicial decision cited will be found reported in _Vanity
+Fair_, liber 3, page 265, and was on this wise: A man being arraigned
+for stealing an umbrella, pleaded that it rained at the time, and he had no
+umbrella. On these grounds he was discharged, and the judge took the
+umbrella. (We may notice here how closely this decision has been followed,
+even down to modern times, and touching other matters than umbrellas.)
+
+This established the fact that the umbrella was not property that could be
+bought, sold, and stolen, but a free gift of the manufacturer to universal
+creation. The right of ownership in umbrellas ranked henceforward with our
+right to own the American continent, being merely a right by discovery.
+
+(TO BE CONTINUED.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+Depressing for Chicago.
+
+
+The Chicago press has given up all hopes of the PRINCE OF WALES since he
+has proved his innocence in regard to Lady MORDAUNT. Chicago had begun to
+look upon him with mildly patronizing favor, when he was accused of a share
+in a really first-class divorce case; but now that his innocence is
+established, there is no longer any extenuating circumstance which can
+induce Chicago to overlook the infamous crime of his royal birth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Latest from the Isthmus of Suez.
+
+
+Of all men, the followers of MOHAMMED are the most candid; since no matter
+of what you accuse them, they always acknowledge the Koran.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Right and Left.
+
+Because the P.& O. Directors have suspended their EYRE, we are not called
+upon to suspend our anger. We decline to believe that he can justify
+himself in leaving the Oneida, however blameless he may have been in the
+matter of the collision. Because the Oneida was Left it does not follow
+that the Bombay was Right.
+
+[ILLUSTRATION:_Mr. Pugsby_. "I THINK, MY DEAR, WE'VE GIVEN HIM
+LAUDANUM ENOUGH. SUPPOSE WE TRY A LITTLE STRYCHNINE?"
+
+_Mrs. Pugsby_. "BUT MIGHTN'T THAT HURT HIM?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Mr. BOUCICAULT might properly be called the author of the elementary Drama.
+Not because his plays, like elementary lessons in French, are peculiarly
+aggravating to the well-regulated mind, but because of his fondness for
+employing one of the elements of nature--fire, water, or golden hair--in
+the production of the sensation which invariably takes place in the fourth
+or fifth act of each of his popular dramas. In the _Streets of
+New-York_, he made a hit by firing a building at the spectacularly
+disposed audience. In _Formosa_, he gave us a boat-race; and in
+_Lost at Sea_, now running at WALLACK'S, he has renewed his former
+fondness for playing with fire. The following condensed version of this
+play is offered to the readers of PUNCHINELLO, with the assurance that,
+though it may be a little more coherent than the unabridged edition, it is
+a faithful picture of the sort of thing that Mr. BOUCICAULT, aided and
+abetted by Mr. WALLACK, thinks proper to offer to the public.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LOST AT SEA.
+
+
+ACT I. _Scene_ 1. _Enter Virtuous Banker_. "I have embezzled
+WALTER CORAM'S money, and he is coming from India to claim it. I am a
+ruined man."
+
+_Enter Unprincipled Clerk_. "Not so. WALTER CORAM is lost at sea, and
+we will keep the money."
+
+_Virtuous Banker_. "Thank heaven! I am not found out, and can remain
+an honest man as usual."
+
+_Scene_ 2. _Enter Comic Villain_. "I am just released from prison
+and must soon meet my wife." (_Swears and smashes in his hat_.)
+
+_Enter Unprincipled Clerk_. "Not so. WALTER, CORAM is lost at sea.
+Personate him, draw his money, and share it with me."
+
+_Comic Villain_. "I will." (_Swears and smashes in his hat_.)
+
+_Scene_ 3. _Enter Miss Effie Germon_. (Aside.) "I am supposed to
+be a virtuous and vagabond boy. I hate to show my ankles in ragged
+trowsers, but I must." (_Shows them. Applause_)
+
+_Enter Daughter of Comic Villain_. "I love the unprincipled clerk; but
+there is a sick stranger up-stairs who pokes the fire in a way that I can
+hardly resist. Be firm, my heart. Shall I be untrue to my own unprincipled
+-----"
+
+_Enter Unprincipled Clerk_. "Not so. WALTER CORAM is lost at sea, and
+I must leave these valuable boxes in your hands for safe-keeping."
+(_Leaves the boxes, and then leaves himself_.)
+
+_Enter Sick Stranger_. "I am WALTER CORAM. Those are my boxes.
+Somebody is personating me. Big thing on somebody. Let him go ahead."
+(_Curtain_.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Young Lady in the Audience_. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON perfectly lovely?"
+
+_Accompanying Bostonian Youth_. "Yes; but you should see RISTORI in
+_Marie Antoinette_. There is a sweetness and light about the great
+tragedienne which -----"
+
+_Heavy old Party, to contiguous Young Man_. "Don't think much of this;
+do you? Now, in TOM PLACIDS's day----" _Contiguous and aggrieved Young
+Man pleads an engagement and hastily goes out_.
+
+ACT II. _Scene_ 1. _Virtuous Banker's Villa, Comic Villain,
+Unprincipled Clerk, and Wealthy Heroine dining with the Banker_.
+
+_Enter Original Coram_. "I am WALTER CORAM; but I can't prove it, the
+villains having stolen my bootjack."
+
+_Enter Comic Villain, who smashes in his hat, and swears_.
+
+_Original Coram. (Approaching him_.) "This is WALTER CORAM, I believe?
+I knew you in India. We boarded together. Don't you remember old FUTTYGHUR
+ALLAHABAD, and the rest of our set?"
+
+_Comic Villain, in great mental torture_. "Certainly; of course: I
+said so at the time." (_Swears and smashes in his hat_.) (_Exeunt
+omnes, in search of Virtuous Banker_.)
+
+_Scene_ 2. _Enter Miss Effie Germon, by climbing over the wall_.
+"I hate to climb over the wall and show my ankles in these nasty trowsers,
+but I must." (_Shows them. Applause_.)
+
+_Enter Daughter of Comic Villain_. "Great Heavings! What do I see? My
+beloved clerk offering himself to the wealthy heroine? I must faint!"
+(_Faints_.)
+
+_Enter aristocratic lover of wealthy heroine, and catches the faintress
+in his arms. Wealthy heroine catches him in the act. Tableau of virtuous
+indignation_. (_Curtain_)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Young Lady before-named_. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON perfectly sweet?"
+
+_Bostonian Youth_. "Yes; but RISTORI----"
+
+_Mighty Young Men_. "Let's go out for drinks."
+
+
+ACT III. _Scene_ 1. _Enter Daughter of Comic Villain_. "My clerk
+is false, and I don't care a straw for him. Consequently, I will drown
+myself."
+
+_Enter Original Coram_. "I am WALTER CORAM; but I can't prove it, the
+villains having stolen my Calcutta latch-key. Better not drown yourself, my
+dear. You'll find it beastly wet. Don't do it." (_She doesn't do it_.)
+(_Curtain_.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Young Lady before-named_. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON perfectly beautiful?"
+
+_Bostonian Youth_. "Yes. But at her age RISTORI----"
+
+_Heavy old Party murmurs in his sleep of ELLEN TREE. More young men go
+out to get drinks_.
+
+
+ACT IV. _Scene_ 1. _Enter Virtuous Banker_. "All is lost. There
+is a run on the bank -----"
+
+_Enter Unprincipled Clerk_. "WALTER CORAM presents check for �7 4 S.
+We have no funds. Shall we pay it?"
+
+_Enter Original Coram_. (_Aside_.) "I am WALTER CORAM; but I
+can't prove it, the villains having taken my other handkerchief. (_To the
+Banker_.) Sir, you once gave me a penny, and you have since embezzled my
+fortune. How can I repay such noble conduct? Here is a bag of gold. Take it
+and pay your creditors."
+
+_Scene_ 2. _Enter Unprincipled Clerk and Comic Villain_.
+
+_Unprincipled Clerk_. "The original CORAM has turned up. We must turn
+him down again. I will burn him in his bed to-night."
+
+_Comic Villain_. "Burn him; but don't attempt any violence." (_Swears
+and smashes in his hat_.)
+
+_Scene_ 4. _Enter Original Coram_. "I am WALTER COHAM; but I
+can't prove it--I forget precisely why. What is this in my coffee? Opium!
+It is, by SIVA, VISHNU, and others! They would fain drug my drink. Ha! Ha!
+I have drank, eaten, smoked, chewed, and snuffed opium for ninety years. I
+like it. So did my parents. I am, so to speak, the child of poppy. Ha! What
+do I see? Flames twenty feet high all around me! Can this be fire? The
+wretches mean to burn me alive! (_Aside_--And they'll do it too, some
+night, if Moss don't keep a sharp look-out after those lazy carpenters.)"
+
+_Enter Miss Effie German_. (_Aside_.) "I must get on the roof and
+drag CORAM out. I hate to do it; for I shall have to show my ankles in
+these horrid trowsers. But I suppose I must." (_Gets on the roof with
+Comic Villain's Daughter, shows ankles, lifts up roof and saves Coram, amid
+whirlwinds of applause and smoke.--Curtain_)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Young Lady before-named_. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON _too_ lovely?"
+
+_Bostonian Youth_. "Yes. RISTORI is, however -----"
+
+_Heavy old Party_. "This fire business is dangerous, sir. Never saw it
+done at the old Park. EDMUND KEAN would -----"
+
+ACT V. _Enter Original Coram_. "I am WALTER CORAM. I can now prove it
+by simply mentioning the fact. I love the daughter of the Comic Villain,
+and will marry her."
+
+_Unprincipled Clerk_. "All is lost except WALTER CORAM, who ought to
+be. I will go to Australia, at once." (_He goes_.)
+
+_Comic Villain_, (_smashes his hat over his eyes and swears_).
+
+_Virtuous Banker_. "Bless you, my children. I forgive you all the
+injuries I have done you." (_Curtain_.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Every body in the audience_. "How do you like--Real fire; STODDAHT'S
+faces are--Real fire; EFFIE GERMON is--Real fire; Come and take--Real fire;
+JIM WALLACK is always at home in--Real fire; There is nothing in the play
+but--Real fire."
+
+_Misanthropic Critic, to gentlemanly Treasurer_. "Can I have two seats
+for to-morrow night?"
+
+_Treasurer_. "All sold, sir. Play draws better than _Ours_!"
+
+_Misanthropic Critic_. Well! no matter. I only wanted to send my
+mother-in-law, knowing that the house must take fire some night. However,
+I'll read the play to her instead; if she survives that, she isn't mortal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Suggestion kindly made to Manager Moss_.--Have the fire scene take
+place in the first act, and let all the _dramatis personae_ perish in
+the flames. Thus shall the audience be spared the vulgar profanity of
+STODDART'S "Comic Villain," the absurdity of WALLACK'S "Coram," the twaddle
+of HIELD'S "Virtuous Banker," and the impossible imbecility of FISHER'S
+"Unprincipled Clerk." Miss GERMON in trowsers, and Miss HENRIQUES in tears,
+are very nice; but they do not quite redeem the wretchedness of the play.
+The sooner Mr. Moss gives up his present flame and returns to his early
+love--legitimate comedy--the better.
+
+MATADOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO BEHAVE AT A THEATRE.
+
+
+MR. PUNCHINELLO: I take it you are willing to receive useful information.
+Of course you are--Why? Because, while you may be humorous, you intend also
+to be sensible. I have in my day been to the theatre not a little. I have
+seen many plays and many audiences. I know--or, at least, think I do--what
+is good acting, and--what good manners. Suffer me, then, briefly to give
+you a few hints as to how an audience should behave. I shall charge nothing
+for the information, though I am frank to insinuate that it is worth a
+deal--of the value, perhaps, of a great deal table.
+
+First. Always take a lady with you to the play. It will please her,
+whatever the bother to you. Besides, you will then be talked to. If you
+make a mess of it in trying to unravel the plot, she will essentially aid
+you in that direction. Nothing like a woman for a plot--especially if you
+desire to plunge head foremost into one.
+
+Second. If you have any loud conversation to indulge in, do it while the
+play is going on. Possibly it may disturb your neighbors; but you do not
+ask them to hear it. Hail Columbia! isn't this a free country? If you have
+any private and confidential affairs to talk over, the theatre is the place
+in which to do it. Possibly strangers may not comprehend all the bearings;
+but that is not your fault. You do your best--who can do better?
+
+Third. If you have an overcoat or any other garment, throw it across the
+adjoining or front seat. Never mind any protests of frown or word. Should
+not people be willing to accommodate? Of course they should. Prove it by
+putting your dripping umbrella against the lady with the nice moire antique
+silk. It may ruffle her temper; but that's her business, not yours; she
+shouldn't be ridiculous because well dressed.
+
+Fourth. Try and drop your opera-glass half a dozen times of an evening. If
+it makes a great racket--as of course it will--and rolls a score of seats
+off, hasten at once to obtain possession of the frisky instrument. Let
+these little episodes be done at a crisis in the play where the finest
+points are being evolved.
+
+Fifth. Of course you carry a cane--a very ponderous cane. What for? To use
+it, obviously. Contrive to do so when every body is silent. What's the use
+in being demonstrative in a crowd? It don't pay. Besides, you dog, you know
+your _forte_ is in being odd. Odd fellow-you. See it in your
+brain--only half of one. Make a point to bring down your cane when there is
+none, (point, not cane,) and shout out "Good!" or "Bravo!" when you have
+reason to believe other people are going to be quiet.
+
+Sixth. Never go in till after a play begins, and invariably leave in the
+middle of an act, and in the most engaging scene.
+
+These are but a few hints. However, I trust they are good as far as they
+go. I may send you a half-dozen more. In the mean time I remain
+
+Yours, truly,
+
+O. FOGY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+PROSPECTUS,
+
+
+It shall be our highest ambition to realize our own wishes and to fulfil
+our own predictions.
+
+Our principles are moral to--the last degree.
+
+Our politics defy competition; and it shall be our constant endeavor to
+make them more so.
+
+Our literary and scientific articles are our own, and consequently above
+criticism.
+
+OUR ILLUSTRATIONS
+
+Will include drawings on wood by our most
+
+PROMISING YOUNG ARTISTS.
+
+Besides the usual agricultural, shipping, and market reports, we shall
+publish
+
+THE BEST BON MOTS OF THE PULPIT.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Soon to appear in our columns,
+
+A SERIAL, ENTITLED, "IMPRESSIONS OF MODERN TRAVEL."
+
+Also,
+
+ILLUSTRATIONS OF ART-ANATOMY;
+
+Exclusively for beginners.
+
+Together with
+
+"RESEARCHES IN THE POCKETS OF OUR SUBSCRIBERS;"
+
+With appropriate-(ing) views.
+
+[Illustration: (_Faithful Preceptress_) "Now you know where the
+gluteal muscle is?"]
+
+
+In order to insure the widest possible influence, and consequently
+usefulness, we are prepared to offer the most
+
+LIBERAL TERMS.
+
+Any one sending us full subscription price, and ten dollars additional,
+will be entitled to
+
+ONE OF OUR AUTOGRAPH ESSAYS.
+
+Any one sending us the names of thirty new subscribers will receive by
+mail, post-paid,
+
+OUR PHOTOGRAPH;
+
+Or, if preferred, Luther's wedding-ring and mug; or, our own wedding-ring,
+with the mugs of our wife and children.
+
+For _Club Rates_, refer to a Justice of the Peace.
+_Answer to Correspondents_: Sketch not available.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+V. H. to Punchinello.
+
+The following letter, received by the French cable, explains itself. After
+the perusal of it, America warms toward France:
+
+HAUTEVILLE PARK, March 25,1870.
+
+To THE EDITOR OF THE PUNCHINELLO:
+
+MONSIEUR: The advance copy of your journal has stormed my heart. I owe it
+one happy day.
+
+Europe trembles. They light their torches sinister, those trans-alpine
+vacillationists. The church, already less tranquil, dis-segregates itself.
+We laugh.
+
+To your journal there is a future, and there will be a past.
+
+The age has its pulsations, and it never forgets.
+
+I, too, remember.
+
+There is also blood. Upon it already glitters the dust of glory.
+
+Monsieur! I salute you and your _confreres_!
+
+Accept my homage and my emotion.
+
+VICTOR HUGO.
+
+
+
+
+THE HABITS OF GREAT MEN.
+
+
+  "Lives of great men all remind us
+  We can make our lives sublime,
+  And, departing, leave behind us
+  Footprints on the sands of time."
+
+
+Almost since the world began, people have been interested in and
+entertained by gossip respecting the personal habits and individual
+idiosyncrasies of popular writers and orators. It is a universal and
+undying characteristic of human nature. No age has been exempt from it from
+PLINY'S time down to BEECHER'S. It may suitably be called the scarlet-fever
+of curiosity, and rash indeed must be the writer who refuses or neglects to
+furnish any food for the scandal-monger's maw. While we deprecate in the
+strongest terms the custom which persists in lifting the veil of
+personality from the forehead of the great, respect for traditional usages
+and obligation to the present, as well as veneration for the future, impels
+us to reveal some things that are not generally known concerning the men
+who are playing "leading business" on the world's great stage of to-day.
+
+For instance, mankind is generally ignorant of the fact that Mr. SUMNER
+bathes twice a day in a compound, two thirds of which is water and one
+third milk, and that he dictates most of his speeches to a stenographer
+while reclining in the bath-tub. WENDELL PHILLIPS is said to have written
+the greater portion of his famous lecture on "The Lost Arts" on the backs
+of old envelopes while waiting for a train in the Boston depot. Mr. GEORGE
+W. CURTIS prepares his mind for writing by sleeping with his head encased
+in a nightcap lined with leaves of lavender and rose. GRANT, it is said,
+accomplishes most of his writing while under the influence of either opium
+or chloroform, which will account for the soothing character of his state
+papers. WALT WHITMAN writes most of his poetry in the dissecting-room of
+the Medical College, where he has a desk fitted up in close proximity to
+the operating table. Mr. DANA is said to write most of his editorials in
+one of the parlors of the Manhattan Club, arrayed in black broadcloth from
+the sole of his head to the crown of his foot, his hands encased in corn-
+colored kids, a piece of chewing-gum in his mouth, and a bottle of Cherry
+Pectoral by his side. The report that he eats fish every morning for his
+breakfast is untrue: he rejects FISH. COLFAX writes all his speeches and
+lectures with his feet in hot water, and his head wrapped in a moist towel.
+His greatest vice, next to being Vice-President, is to insist upon having
+his writing desk in front of a mirror. BUTLER accomplishes most of his
+literary labor over a dish of soup, which he absorbs through the medium of
+two of his favorite weapons, thus keeping both his hands employed, and
+dictating to an amanuensis every time his mouth enjoys a vacation. BEECHER
+has several methods by which he prepares his mind to write a sermon: By
+riding up and down Broadway on the top of a stage; visiting the Academy of
+Anatomy, or spending a few hours at the Bloomingdale Retreat. Neither
+HOLMES nor WHITTIER are able to write a line of poetry until they are
+brought in contact with the blood of freshly-slain animals; while, on the
+other hand, LONGFELLOW'S only dissipation previous to poetic effort, is a
+dish of baked beans. FORNEY vexes his gigantic intellect with iced water
+and tobacco, (of the latter, "two papers, both daily.") Mr. TILTON composes
+as he reposes in his night-dress, with his hair powdered and "a strawberry
+mark upon his left arm." Mr. PARTON writes with his toes, his hands being
+employed meanwhile knitting hoods for the destitute children of Alaska. Mr.
+P. is a philanthropist. BAYARD TAYLOR writes only in his sleep or while in
+a trance state--notwithstanding the fact that he lives in the State of
+Pennsylvania. He will then dictate enough to require the services of three
+or four stenographers, and in the morning is ready to attend to the
+laborious and exacting duties attached to the position of stockholder in
+the New-York _Tribune_. Mr. GREELEY conceives some of his most
+brilliant editorial articles while churning the mercurial milk of the
+Chappaqua farm into butter; or vexing the gracious grain with the flying
+flail; or listening to the pensive murmurings of the plaintive pigs, and
+the whispered cadences of the kindly cattle. RICHARD GRANT WHITE can't
+write, it is said, until a towel moistened with Cologne water is applied to
+his nostrils. Sometimes, however, he varies the monotony of this method by
+riding several miles in a Third Avenue car, which produces a similar
+effect. OAKEY HALL writes his best things while riding on horseback in
+Central Park; his saddle being arranged with a writing-desk accompaniment;
+and while OAKEY dashes off the sentences, his horse furnishes the Stops.
+And just here we propose to stop furnishing further revelations concerning
+the men whose deeds have made their names famous in current national and
+local history.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GOSSIP IN A SCHOOL-HOUSE.
+
+_Teacher_. "WELL, MINNIE, HAVE YOU ANY THING NEW AT HOME?"
+
+_Interesting Scholar_. "OH! YES; WE'VE SMALL-POX, AND 'LAPSING FEVER,
+AN MEASLES, AND WHOOPING-COUGH."
+
+(_Tableau expressive of consternation_.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Taking the Cue.
+
+
+There is a strong disposition among those of our diplomats who may be able
+to talk a little "pigeon English," to obtain the Chinese position left
+vacant by Mr. BURLINGAME. Most of these gentlemen can point the Moral of
+the matter--the sixty thousand dollars a year--but whether any of them
+would adorn the Tail, is quite another affair.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Questions for H.G.
+
+
+Is not the _Tribune_ influenced by its negrophilism in denouncing
+PIERRE BONAPARTE as an assassin? Had the victim been a BLANC instead of a
+NOIR, would Mr. GREELEY have felt quite as much sympathy for him?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+APROPOS OF THE "ONEIDA."--The windiest excuses of the day are those of
+EYRE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+ARRAH WHAT DOES HE MANE AT ALL?
+
+
+_Scene. The White House_.
+
+ULYSSES ASLEEP. CUBA, ROONEY, AND FISH OUTSIDE ON THE LOBBY.
+
+ROONEY _Loquitur_.
+
+  ULYSSES asthore! Good lord, don't he snore!
+    ULYSSES! ULYSSES, my boy!
+  There's company here, must see you, me dear,
+    In spite of this Spanish kill-joy.
+  This Minister FISH, who, had he his wish,
+    Wud put your ould ROONEY down-stairs.
+  Ay, faith if he dar, but betther by far
+    The sinner was sayin' his pray'rs.
+      Arrah what does he mane at all?
+
+  Now, ULICK S. GRANT, it's your own self I want,
+    To patiently listen, mavrone,
+  To what I've to say, in a fatherly way,
+    As if you wor child ov my own.
+  For shure is it time, in prose or in rhyme,
+    That somebody spoke up, who dar'.
+  ULYSSES awake! for Liberty's sake,
+    It's braykin our hearts you are.
+      Arrah what do you mane at all?
+
+  Och, wirrasthrue vo! it's bitther to know
+    The work that goes an in your name;
+  The murdher an' ruin, that others are doin'
+    Whilst you have to showlder the shame!
+  The grief that is ours, whin you, by the Pow'rs,
+    Seem traytin it all like a joke,
+  Like NAYRO, the thief, whin Room was in grief,
+    That fiddled away in the smoke!
+      Arrah what do you mane at all?
+
+  Och, wake up, ochone! Your innimies groan
+    The words that cut deep as a sword:
+  "He's greedy for goold, an by its slaves rooled
+    ULYSSES is false to his word.
+  See poor Cuba there, all tatthered and bare;
+    For months at his doore she has stud;
+  Not a word he replies to her sobs or her sighs,
+    Nor cares for her tears or her blood!
+      Arrah what does he mane at all?"
+
+  Musha, what's that you say? "Sind the ould fool away."
+    I'm disturbin' your rest wid my prate;
+  There's Minister FISH, to consult if I wish,
+    Who attinds to all matthers of state.
+  An' Cuba, she too, wid her hulabaloo,
+    May just as well bundle an' go;
+  You won't hear us now, wid our murtherin row,
+    You'll sleep it out whether or no!
+      Arrah what do we mane at all?
+
+  Ah! then, by my sowl, this thratemint is foul--
+    To put your best frinds to the blush;
+  An' wor you sinsare, in what you sed there
+    We'd tie up your whistle, my thrush!
+  But ULICK, machree, you can't desave me,
+    By sayin' the word you don't mane;
+  Or make her beleeve who stands at me sleeve,
+    In FISH an' his Castles in Spane.
+      Arrah what do you mane at all?
+
+  'Tis late in the day to talk in that way;
+    We've had ministhers dishes galore,
+  An' laste to my taste, at the blundherin faste,
+    The sauce ov that fish one, asthore.
+  No, ULICK, alan! the work that's in han'
+    Must be done by yourself, if at all.
+  Your cooks, by my troth, are burnin' the broth,
+    We smell it out here in the hall!
+      Arrah what do you mane at all?
+
+  No, ULICK, my boy, rise up to our joy,
+    An' make a clane sweep ov the crowd
+  Of tinkerin tools, an' blundherin fools,
+    That put your wits undher a cloud.
+  Rise up in your might, an' sthrike for the right!
+    Let England an' Spain hear us talk;
+  Give FISH his conjay, an' ROONEY will stay;
+    You'll then see who's cock ov the walk!
+      Arrah what do you mane at all?
+
+  Lave Britain alone; if she won't pay, mavrone,
+    She's puttin' her head into debt.
+  If I know the books, the way the thing looks,
+    She'll pay us, wid intherest, yet!
+  Ay, faith he did say, so wise in his day--
+    That noble ould Graycian, PHILANDER--
+  That sauce for the goose, if well kept for use,
+    Was just as good sauce for the gandher!
+      Arrah what did he mane at all?
+
+  But Spain, the ould wulf, for her tricks in the Gulf,
+    Her robbery, murdher, and worse,
+  _Her_ debt, she must see, is put down C.O.D.,
+    Wid Cuba relaysed from her curse.
+  Ay, FISH, you may sweat, an' SUMNER may threat,
+    An' burst his crack'd head in the row;
+  The People have spoke, that's fire an' not smoke!
+    An' this must be finished, an' now.
+      Arrah what do you mane at all?
+
+  Och! ULICK, awake, for Liberty's sake!
+    If not for your ROONEY, asthore;
+  The Godiss is here, but thrimbles wid fear
+    Ov the cowld-blooded Thing at the doore.
+  She sez that your name a by-word of shame
+    Will be to the nations onborn,
+  If you lie there anmov'd whilst the flag that you lov'd
+    Is flouted by Spaniards wid scorn.
+      Arrah what do you mane at all?
+
+  She sez, an' wid grief, her love for the chief,
+    That fought neath her bannir so long,
+  Will turn into hate, that will cling to the fate
+    Ov him who now sides wid the wrong.
+  She sez ov all woes that misery knows,
+    The grief ov the wronger's the worst
+  Who houlds back his ban' from a sufferin' lan'
+    An' laves her to tyrants accurs'd!
+      Arrah what do you mane at all?
+
+  Ah! _that_ stirs your blood; I thought that it wud.
+    Your rizin', me bouchal; it's done!
+  Go on wid your pray'rs! I'm kickin' down-stairs
+    This ould Spanish mack'rel, for fun.
+  Sweet Liberty here, and Cuba, my dear!
+    You'll stay for the bite an' the sup?
+  An' pardon my joy; since I've woke up the boy
+    I don't know what ind ov me's up!
+      Arrah what did he mane at all?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Travellers' Tales.
+
+
+No one now believes that DR. LIVINGSTONE was burnt for sorcery. The
+originator of the report could have made a more plausible story by
+asserting that LIVINGSTONE refused to marry the daughter of an African
+chief, and was consequently put to death. This would have been strictly in
+accordance with the customs of the African aristocracy, and would also have
+called forth general admiration for the man who preferred to burn rather
+than to marry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+City Hamlets vs. Rural Ditto.
+
+
+The leading cities of late have grown almost wild with excitement over
+their HAMLETS; but in country localities, the hamlets are marked for
+quietude, and a refreshing freedom from all that is stagey, except,
+perhaps, stage-coaches.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NEW-YORK ANTI-ORANGE-PEEL AND BANANA-SKIN ASSOCIATION,
+AS THEY APPEAR IN THEIR GREAT HUMANITARIAN FEAT OF CLEARING THE
+SIDE-WALKS.]
+
+
+ORANGE-PEEL, ET. CETERA.
+
+
+PUNCHINELLO, ever ready to hail with acclamation all that is for the
+welfare of his fellow-men, is delighted to learn that an
+"Anti-Orange-peel-and-Banana-skin Association" has been organized in the
+city of New-York. The great number of severe accidents annually caused by
+the idiotic custom of casting orange-peel and such other lubricious
+integuments recklessly about the side-walks, has long furnished a topic for
+public animadversion. Some of our leading citizens have taken the matter in
+hand--or, to speak more correctly, on foot. The picture at the top of this
+page gives a life-like representation of the Association referred to,
+engaged in their benevolent work of removing from the side-walk with their
+Boots all such fragments as might tend to the development of Slippers. The
+Association has PUNCHINELLO'S best wishes. The Orange-Outangs who render
+the side-walks dangerous have his worst.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HAMLET FROM A RURAL POINT.
+
+The Great FECHTER as HAMLET has given us another proof of the brilliant
+imagination of Mr. DICKENS. The play is so well known that a synopsis of it
+is unnecessary. Yet a few words on the subject.
+
+An economical mother in high society permits baked meats left from a
+funeral festival to be served at a subsequent entertainment. Her son takes
+umbrage at this; becomes morose and sullen; affects spiritualism and
+private theatricals. This leads to serious family difficulties, culminating
+in a domestic broil of unusual violence. The intellectual aim of the piece
+is to show the extraordinary loquacity of a Danish Prince. The moral
+inculcated by it is, "Spare the rod and spoil the child." It is replete
+with quotations from the best authors, and contains many passages of marked
+ability. Its literary merit is unquestionable, though it lacks the vivacity
+of BOUCICAULT, and possesses no situation of such intense interest as the
+scene in ROSINA MEADOWS where the heroine starts for Boston.
+
+Mr. FECHTER presents HAMLET as a perfect "flaxy;" partly in deference to
+the present popularity of the tint, and partly to show a marked contrast
+with his OTHELLO, which character he always makes up as a male brunette.
+His countenance is of great breadth and flexibility, ranging in its full
+compass from the Placid Babe to the Outraged Congressman. His voice extends
+from B flat _profundo_ to the _ut de poitrine piccolo_. The
+emotional nature of HAMLET gives him opportunity to exhibit both of these
+wonderful organs, and in _tutta forza_ passages, where he forces them
+to their utmost power, the effect is exhilarating.
+
+Mr. FECHTER is polished. He does not hesitate to correct the sometimes rude
+and occasionally offensive remarks of HAMLET. Mr. FECHTER is refined. He
+permits "no maggots in a dead dog." He substitutes "trichinae in
+prospective pork." Fashionable patrons will appreciate this. They cherish
+poodles, particularly post-mortem; they disdain swine. Mr. FECHTER is
+polite. He excludes "the insolence of office," and "the cutpurse of the
+empire and the rule." Collector BAILEY'S "fetch" sits in front. Mr. FECHTER
+is fastidious. He omits the prefatory remarks to "assume a virtue," but
+urges his mother to seek relief in Chicago. Considering her frivolous
+conduct and the acrid colloquy consequent upon the comparison of
+photographs, this is filial as well as affectionate.
+
+Minor actors must, of course, be precluded from liberties with the text;
+but presuming the alterations in question to be the result of a
+consultation with Mr. DICKENS, we must rejoice that SHAKESPEARE is being
+toned to good society. We commend the improved readings to the delicate
+susceptibilities of the community.
+
+Mr. FECHTER is a great genius. Distinguished talent is occasionally needed
+to elevate the national taste. How we have outraged theatrical proprieties
+by applauding WALLACK and BOOTH and DAVENPORT! FORREST, forget us. FECHTER,
+forgive us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Epitaph on a Defunct Boarding-House.
+
+Peace to its Hashes!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Apropos of Small-salaried Husbands, who have Extravagant Wives.
+
+"A little earning is a dangerous thing."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Mormon's Motto
+
+Bring 'em Young.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+[Illustration: OUR EFFICIENT NAVY DEPARTMENT.
+
+_Admiral Porter_. The Queen has taken your Jack. You never
+_could_ protect your Jack, Mr. Secretary.
+
+(And they go on with their little game, never heeding the signal of
+distress from the Oneida.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[blank page]
+
+
+JUMBLES.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Truth to tell, I _don't_ like neighbors. I _do_ like
+civilization. The trouble is, neighbors are not always civilized.
+PUNCHINELLO will be impressed with the fact before becoming a single
+weekling. The first floor may be ever so nice, quiet, well-dressed, proper
+folks--but those dreadful musical people in the attic! I hate musical
+people; that is, when in the chrysalis state of learning. Practice makes
+perfect, indeed; but practice also makes a great deal of noise. Noise is
+another of my constitutional dislikes. If these matters must be divided,
+give me the melody, and whoever else will, may take the noise. The truth
+is, my dear PUNCHINELLO--and I may as well begin calling you what the
+public will do one of these early days--there is nothing like notes. But
+bank-notes are my weakness. My weakness in that direction is, I may
+confidently state, very strong. The ladies are not the only greenbacks that
+are accepted at sight; and acceptable to it. The bank on which I should
+like to dwell--do you not guess it?--is the auriferous National. Those
+musical neighbors-how they do play, though! But, to borrow from Mr. SLANG,
+my queer neighbor opposite, they have about played out. Our gentlemanly
+landlord--all landlords are so very gentlemanly, kind, good, and
+considerate--Mr. GRABB, says it don't pay to keep such tenants.
+
+"Mr. GRABB, pay--pray, why don't it pay?"
+
+"Why, Mr. TODD, why, sir--because _they_ don't pay. D'ye see it, Mr.
+TODD?"
+
+Mr. TODD did see it.
+
+"Music hath charms," and all that fine thing; but it can't evidently charm
+a landlord, as at present constructed, into the faith that the notes of a
+fiddle, a clarionet, a bugle, or a trombone are negotiable at the corner
+grocery, or in Wall and State streets.
+
+Going from bars to banks is a distance. But when I go anywhere, I like to
+have it distant. The enjoyment is invariably greater. It saves my tailors,
+hatters, restaurant keepers, and some others, the expense and trouble of
+too much correspondence. Such isn't good for the brain--especially where it
+is small, and easily overtaxed. "Distance lends enchantment to the view."
+May I ask, is or was distance in the brokerage line that it lent
+enchantment to the view? and what might possibly have been the conditions
+on which the loan was made? The man who leaves his country for its (and
+his) good has an especial fondness for the distant. The further off the
+nearer he feels like home. Australia is an El Dorado--the antipodes a
+celestial region. The intervening sea is one over which the most
+penetrating of argus-eyed policemen or sheriffs, can not see. Australia--is
+it not the land of gold? Who that has poached a pile does not gravitate
+there, as the needle to the pole? Of course, I do not mean the
+sewing-machine needle.
+
+Some people think California greater. I don't. The greatness of a country
+does not in all cases turn on its great rogues. New-York and Washington may
+not assent; but, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, isn't it so? These may give it character,
+but of the sort nobody is anxious to carry in his pocket as a wedge by
+which to enter good, genteel society. "Character," says a leading mind, "is
+every thing." Quite true; and if of the right sort, will take a man
+speedily to the noose. Biddy can get the most stunning of characters at the
+first corner for half a week's wages or--stealings. As a general thing, I
+don't believe in characters, and for the reason that a large portion of my
+acquaintances--I go into society a great deal--do not appear to have a bit
+of the article. They say it is unnecessary; that "society" don't demand it;
+and that to have it is like travelling with baggage which is mere rubbish.
+My elastic but excellent friend JENKINS says the only sense that can be put
+on society market to practical advantage is the uncommon scamp. Common
+sense, so-called, is a drug. Old Mr. MATTEROFACT--who heeds him or his?
+He's always pushed into the corner, or crowded to the back seat. Sensible
+people, the world being judges, are a mistake. They were born and educated
+that way. They don't definitely belong anywhere. Trespassers, interlopers,
+impertinents-why should they be tolerated? Doesn't CONGRESSMAN SURFACE, of
+the Forty-fourth District, rule the roast? Isn't Mrs. SIMPLE the pattern
+Woman of the Swell-Front avenue? Who so charming as Widow MILKWATER? Common
+sense might have done once, but that was when the world was younger and yet
+more old-fashioned. It isn't available now. Rust never shines. Out upon it,
+or let it get out. The best place, I would suggest, is out of town--and in
+the woods. Strangers always make people feel uncomfortable.
+
+Need I hint just now that it is Lent? Lent is suggestive. It suggests some
+of my best books. Books are the best of friends. They are honest. They say
+what they feel, and feel what they say. Like other blessings, too, they
+often take to wings and fly; and it proves to be a fly that never returns.
+A good book is a joy forever. The only sad thing about it is, that it keeps
+lent all the time--not so much piously as profanely. Am I my brother's
+keeper? No. But my brother is quite too often a keeper of mine--of mine own
+choice authors. The best of friends are, of course--like the best of
+steaks--rather rare. Like honest men they count only one in ten
+thousand--an extremely small per cent in a commercial point of view.
+Books--what should we do without them? What may we not do with them, if it
+were not for the season of Lent?
+
+I am something of a politician. My friends do not think I am. But they are
+prejudiced--friends always are. I go, on principle, for the greatest good
+of the greatest number. You know that humble, initial figure. I confess to
+a love of loaves and fishes. A nice French loaf, and a delicious salmon in
+the suburbs of green peas--who wouldn't be a politician about that time? I
+have run for office--and at least half a dozen times. But, bless you, I
+never caught it. Some big, burly, brainless cur of a fellow was always
+ahead of me. Very queer in politics--the less the head the more one gets
+ahead. A head is little or nothing; but face, cheek, assurance--such is
+much; is every thing. What are politics but audacity? what professions of
+public good but pretences for private pap? I like politics. Politics,
+however, don't seem to like me. I call myself a patriot; but, strangely
+enough, or otherwise, I have never been called to fill a patriot's
+office--say for $5000 and upward per year. As for a patriot's grave--it's a
+fine thing, no doubt, but I have never regarded it as my "mission" to fill
+that. It affects one's activity and usefulness, and cuts off going to
+FECHTER BOOTH, _Frou-Frou_, the _Twelve Temptations_, and opera.
+I declined all such honors during the war, and on principle; the principal
+thing being that I had no taste for lead and iron. Iron, I know, is good
+for the blood; but taken in bullets, it lessens instead of increases the
+circulation. These metals are quite too much for a delicate stomach. Shells
+as a drink I like; shells as bombs I do _not_ like. They are
+unhealthy. As a beverage I can surround it several times a day, and bless
+the climate that grows it, and the cask that makes it. But of shells, as of
+company, I prefer to make my choice. I, too, have my choice of office. I am
+strong and can draw well. My _forte_ is drawing salary. That may not
+be the highest form of art, but it is unquestionably artful. Moreover, it
+is the one mankind, if it could, would cultivate with the most assiduity.
+It is the plaster every man would put to his back.
+
+As a politician I believe in myself first, my pocket second, my country
+third. This platform is strong and satisfactory--at least to your friend,
+
+TIMOTHY TODD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ALBANY COCK-ROBINS.
+
+  Who killed the Charter?
+    I, says the _Herald_,
+    With wit _� la_ JERROLD.
+    As Assemblymen I ferruled,
+      And I killed the Charter.
+
+  Who killed the Charter?
+    I, says the _World_,
+    With my blunders hurled
+    And black flag unfurled,
+      And I killed the Charter.
+
+  Who killed the Charter?
+    I, says the _Sun_,
+    With my sensation fun,
+    Or my Sol-ferino gun,
+      And I killed the Charter.
+
+  Who killed the Charter?
+    I, says PUNCHINELLO,
+    With my wit so mellow,
+    I was the very fellow
+      Who killed off the Charter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+THE DWARF DEJECTED.
+
+
+A pathetic recital for the benefit of you, or me, or any other snail who
+may want a tortoise-shell.
+
+In what year, or under what king Bezoman, lived he, no matter. Suffice it
+to know he still survives.
+
+Once he was happy!
+
+Once, whene'er the eventide flooded the earth with effulgent glory, and
+each little star began to wonder who I was, to the loftiest turret of his
+quite commodious castle this dwarf would climb, and muse upon sciology and
+the cosmic forces.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Oh! Life is joy--is peace to me!" would he cry, ever and anon.
+
+And ever an anonymous owl would scream, "To whoo? To whoo?"
+
+Upon one eventful eve he sat upon his turret.
+
+Gazing around, he sprang upon his feet.
+
+"What, ho!" he cried, as a glimmer of light shot across the surface of the
+lake, "What, ho! A light in the ship-house! Tis the red light of danger! I
+forbode."
+
+Glancing around and beneath him, he perceived that the stucco was peeling
+from his favorite turret. "Here is danger, indeed!" he said; and loudly
+shouted for his ah! too dilatory servant to bring the ladder by which he
+ascended and descended his lofty pinnacle. At last the servant came, and he
+was a new and somewhat weighty waiter youth.
+
+"Ah! big lad--!" then said the dwarf.
+
+"I am glad, good sir," replied the boy.
+
+"I would have the big ladder!" cried his master.
+
+"I can't be gladder," said the boy.
+
+The dwarf looked pityingly down upon the youth for several moments.
+
+"Are you a natural-born fool?" said he.
+
+The boy advanced to the edge of the roof, made a bow, placed one arm at
+right angles before him, while the other hung by his side, and thus he sang
+his song:
+
+  "I've never been to public school,
+    My vaccination did not take.
+  Perhaps I will grow up a fool;
+    But that my heart will never break.
+
+  I would not win in learning's race,
+    Nor e'er be rich and lose my looks;
+  I think that a small-pocked face
+    Is worse than e'en small pocket-books.
+  Then, didy fol, la, la, la, la!--"
+
+"Stop!" cried the now enraged dwarf. "Begone! ere I, base boy! shall heave
+the turret down."
+
+"Certainly," replied the youth. "Big, ornary, base boy shall leave thee to
+rot down. Oh! yes; of course, of course!" And away he went.
+
+The Court fool came at last and let his master down.
+
+"Oh! ho!" said he of the motley, as the dwarf came slowly down the ladder.
+"Thou art now the first descendant of thy house."
+
+The dwarf laughed, and fell the rest of the way. "No matter!" he cried,
+rubbing his shins. "My house shall follow me. It shall come down too. I am
+going to have it all built up anew."
+
+"Bravo!" said the clown. "I thought you were too happy."
+
+On the next day the door-bell of the castle rang, and soon a varlet came to
+fast inform my lord the dwarf that in the parlor waited now a giant, and on
+the card he gave his name was written, "S.T. Mate." The dwarf unto his
+parlor quick repaired, and there, upon some dozen chairs the giant sat,
+smiling benign.
+
+"Hail to thee! good Sir Dwarf," spake the mammoth, and rising and folding
+his arms across his breast, he sang, in royal bass, his song:
+
+  "I hear that thou, O neighbor brave!
+    Thy edifice anew would build.
+  I come to much vain labor save.
+    If thou to hear me now art willed."
+
+"Proceed," said the dwarf, seating himself upon a piano-stool, and screwing
+himself up until he was near the ceiling and on a level with the singer's
+head. The giant proceeded:
+
+  "If thou shouldst build thy house thyself,
+    The cost thou surely ne'er would know;
+  But if I take the job, my friend.
+    You'll see where every cent will go."
+
+"I like that," said the dwarf. "Pray sing some more."
+
+  "I'll tell you just what it will cost;
+    And all that you will have to do
+  Will be to travel for a time,
+    Whilst I your castle build anew."
+
+"That's capital!" cried the delighted dwarf. "It would suit me exactly.
+Warble me yet other wood notes wild."
+
+The giant sang on:
+
+  "A castle such as you will want
+    Will cost you eighty pounds--or so.
+  I'll charge you nothing for my time;
+    You'll see where every cent will go."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The dwarf revolved himself rapidly, and quickly reached the floor.
+
+"The concert's over!" he cried, "and here's a check for eighty pounds.
+Proceed! Tear down; construct! I leave tonight for foreign parts. Write me
+when all is done. Adieu."
+
+The interview terminated.
+
+The clown, who had overheard this fair discourse, now left the castle; and
+retiring to a secluded spot, where--a willow drooped sadly o'er the brook,
+he laid him down and died.
+
+The dwarf to foreign parts now hied, and when twelve months had passed, and
+he had had no news of his grand castle, he returned home.
+
+He found the castle finished--all but the roof and walls. The deep cellars,
+with their marble copings just peeping 'neath the heavy mass of weeds that
+clustered to their very edge, were dark and solemn. The sly fox slunk along
+their passages, and grim serpents reared their heads from many a gloomy
+corner.
+
+The dwarf, he gazed in silence!
+
+By heavy sighs his breast was heaven, and black thoughts made his soul like
+Hades!
+
+Anon he mounted in hot haste, and rode unto the giant's castle on the
+distant hills. By sundown, the dwarf he saw on the horizon a great blue
+mass, the sight of which did move his inmost being.
+
+"It is his castle!" quoth he, and he gave his steed free rein.
+
+The interview was terrible!
+
+All the domestics fled and hid themselves in distant dells.
+
+At last the dwarf, exhausted by vituperation, sank upon the flagstones of
+the court-yard. Then folded the giant his arms and sang his song:
+
+  "Oh! hear me now, misguided dwarf,
+    Eight thousand pound more I must ask.
+  Materials, and labor too,
+    All rose since I began my task.
+
+  Among the things we can't divine.
+    Are values of such terms as 'so;'
+  But I've all items entered straight,
+    Where all the money goes you'll know."
+
+The dwarf gave one quick savage glance at the pocket of the giant, S.T.
+MATE, and then, without a word, he proudly crossed the drawbridge.
+
+But he had not long left the castle at his back ere dejection crept upon
+him and never left him more.
+
+The dwarf he did his cellar reach, fainting, almost bereft of speech; and
+as his men he staggered by, with panting breast and haggard eye,
+
+"Minstrel!" he cried, "O laggard! I for deepest depths of Lethe long. Get
+thy guitar and sing a song!"
+
+The minstrel sang:
+
+  "O Estimate!
+  Thy name is great,
+MEDUSA's head thou sure must own.
+  Do as we will,
+  Thy coming still
+Turns all our hard-earned cash to stone."
+
+The dwarf, now sunk in Lethe's mud, did snore; knowing the sign, the
+minstrel then forbore.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ODE TO THE MISSING COLLECTOR.
+
+BY REGALIA REYNA.
+
+
+  Where are _you now_, MR. BAILEY?
+  We've been looking for you daily,
+  Sometimes sadly, sometimes gayly,
+     Ever since the week begun.
+  Loving you so dear as we do,
+  Doting on you, doubting for you,
+  Looking for you, longing for you,
+  Waiting for you, watching for you,
+     Fearing you have cut and run,
+     Ere your heavy task was done
+     In cigars, and snuff, and rum;
+     Spoiling for us lots of fun,
+     And racy items for _The Sun_,
+     In the seizure rows begun,
+     And the heavy raids to come.
+     Think of poor, forsaken KIRBY,
+     Think of honest-scented HARVEY!
+     Your desertion, J. F. BAILEY,
+     "Busts" our glorious Trinity;
+     Robs the law of subtlety,
+     Knocks our look for _moietie_,
+     Knocks that Jersey property!
+     So much whisky all set free:
+     Where is SHIELDS to get his fee?
+  Think of melancholy PUFFER,
+  What the aged CHILDS must suffer!
+  JOSHUA F., the noble buffer,
+     "Lost to sight, to memory dear,"
+  Think of energetic VAIL
+  Looking round to get his bail,
+  While you're riding on a rail,
+  Or on ocean gayly sail
+     For UNCLE BULL'S dominion!
+  How could you thus fly the track
+  With so many stores to "crack,"
+  And COLUMBUS at your back
+  To defy the whiskey pack
+     And popular opinion?
+  Whiskey "fellers" feeling badly,
+  Cigar-sellers smoking madly,
+  Bondsmen looking sorely, sadly,
+     If their signatures are clear,
+     If you will not cost them dear,
+     If in court they must appear
+     Mournfully, in doubt and fear.
+     Oh! you weak, unfeeling cuss,
+     To get them in this shocking muss;
+     How their pocket-books will rue it!
+     J.F.B., how _could_ you do it?
+  Are you putting for the West,
+  Did you take French leave for Brest,
+  Have you feathered well your nest,
+  Do you sweetly take your rest;
+  Say, whom _do_ you like the best--
+     COOK, or JENKS, or FULLERTON?
+  Would you, JOSH, believe it true,
+  At the moment, sir, when you
+  Waited for that verdict blue,
+  O'er the wires the message flew,
+  Paid or franked by BOUTWELL through:
+  "The gig is up; the cuss won't do.
+  Put the district Thirty-two
+     Under General PLEASANTON."
+  Oh! the vile ingratitude;
+  Of Statesmen in this latitude;
+  Worse than DELANO'S attitude.
+  Say, what is your longitude,
+     East or West from Washington?
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Fox"-y.
+
+FECHTER'S wig in HAMLET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Echoes of the Clubs."
+
+SOUND of the policemen's _batons_ on the sidewalk.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Over and Under.
+
+INDIANA is said to be "going over" her divorce laws. She has certainly gone
+long enough under them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Bullet-in.
+
+THE government has so many bad guns on hand that it deserves to be called,
+"A snapper-up of unconsidered Rifles."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Every Little Helps.
+
+THE British newspapers say that ARTHUR HELPS writes the PRINCE OF WALES'S
+speeches. Now, if ARTHUR HELPS the Prince, who helps ARTHUR?
+
+
+
+
+CONDENSED CONGRESS.
+
+
+SENATE.
+
+
+By particular request, the Georgia bill came up. So did Senator SCHURZ. He
+approved of almost all propositions which tended to complicate questions,
+because the more complication the more offices, the more offices the more
+patronage, and the more patronage the more fees. He knew that it was an
+alluring precedent which was offered them in the action of the legislature
+of Georgia, retaining itself for double the term it was elected to serve.
+But it was the duty of Congress to resist temptation. He used the word duty
+advisedly. Gentlemen might sneer; but he could tell them that the public
+would not stand the infliction of such a Senate as that which he saw before
+him for a day longer than it was obliged to by law. By disregarding law, he
+wished to know whether the laws would not be greater than the profits. He
+admitted that this was a pun; but appealed to PUNCHINELLO upon the point of
+the propriety of puns. Reform, he would say, was a "plant" of slow growth.
+He had sown it; and his colleague, Mr. -----, had watered it; but it did
+not seem to thrive in Missouri.
+
+Mr. DRAKE, who has been studying elocution under a graduate of the Old
+Bowery, and has acquired a most tragic croak, which, with a little rouge
+and burnt cork, and haggard hair, gives him a truly awful aspect, remarked
+that the soil of the South was clotted with blood by fiends in human shape,
+(sensation in the diplomatic gallery.) The metaphor might be meaningless;
+but it struck him it was strong. These fiends were doubly protected by
+midnight and the mask. In his own State the Ku-Klux ranged together with
+the fierce whang-doodle. His own life had been threatened. (Faint
+applause.) He had received an express package marked in large letters,
+"D.H." The President of the United States, an expert in express packages,
+had told him this meant "Dead Head." Was this right? Hah! Bellud!! Gore was
+henceforth his little game. He would die in his seat. (Great cheering,
+which rendered the remainder of the senator's remarks inaudible.)
+
+The case of the admission of General AMES as a senator from Mississippi
+came up. Senator CONKLING said that he had no objection to AMES in
+particular; but in Brigadier-General, he considered the principle of
+letting in men who elected themselves to be bad. Notoriously, General AMES
+did not live in Mississippi. He considered this rather creditable to
+General AMES'S good sense than otherwise. But did it not operate as a
+trivial disqualification against his coming here to represent Mississippi?
+Besides, if generals were allowed to elect themselves, where would it end?
+General AUGUR, he believed, commanded the Indian district. He would send
+himself to the Senate from that region, and be howling about the Piegan
+massacre and such outrages upon his constituents, with which the Senate had
+been sickened already. In that case AUGUR, he grieved to say, would be a
+Bore. Then there is CANBY, who commands in Virginia. CANBY would like to be
+a senator, no doubt, like other people who never tried it; and he will be
+if he CANBY. A distinguished friend of his in the other house, whom it
+would be detrimental to the public service for him to name, if this
+military representation were to be recognized, instead of sitting for a
+district in Massachusetts, would represent Dutch Gap. They had already, in
+his friend from Missouri, a representative of the German Flats; and he
+submitted that a member from Dutch Gap would be two tonic for the body
+politic.
+
+Mr. HOWARD was in favor of the admission of AMES. He considered the
+arguments of the last speaker paltry, and his puns beneath contempt. What
+difference did it make whether AMES represented Mississippi or not?
+Mississippi was disloyal, and didn't deserve to have any representative.
+AMES was a good fellow, and a good officer. Besides, he had been through
+West-Point and knew something. He understood he played a very fair game of
+billiards, and he would be an ornament to the Senate. Let us let him in.
+The Senate had already let in REVELS, who had been sent by AMES; and it was
+absurd to keep out AMES, who was the master of the REVELS. He considered
+that, in the language of a manly sport with which senators were familiar,
+he "saw" Senator CONKLING'S puns, and went several better, though he did
+not wish to be considered a better himself.
+
+All this time, singular to say, Senator SUMNER remained silent.
+
+
+HOUSE.
+
+
+The House had a little amusement over polygamy in Utah. That institution
+shocks Mr. WARD, of New-York, and naturally also Mr. BUTLER, of
+Massachusetts. Mr. WARD was astonished to see any member standing up in
+defence of polygamy in the nineteenth century. If some member should stand
+up in any other century and defend it, it would not astonish him at all. It
+was sheer inhumanity to refuse to come to the rescue of our suffering
+brethren in Utah. How a man who had one wife could consent to see fellow-
+creatures writhing under the infliction of two or three each, was what, Mr.
+WARD remarked, got over him. Mr. BUTLER pointed out how much money the
+Mormons had made.
+
+Mr. Cox did not see why we should interfere by force to prevent a man's
+marrying as many wives as he chose. Such a man was his own worst enemy; and
+his crime carried its own punishment.
+
+Mr. HOOPER, of Utah, said the bill was an outrage. By all the wives that he
+held most sacred, he felt impelled to resent it. MOSES was a polygamist;
+hence his meekness. If this sort of thing was continued, no man's wives
+would be safe. His own partners would be torn from him, and turned out upon
+the world. He scorned to select from among them. Take all or none.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE MARRIAGE MARKET IN ROME.
+
+
+The business of catching impecunious counts, of magnetizing bankrupt
+marquises, and of plucking penniless princes, as practised by American
+women, appears to absorb all the attention in Rome at present. The rage for
+titles is said to be so great among some classes of Americans resident in
+the Holy City, that the only song one hears at evening parties and
+receptions is the one commencing,
+
+  "When I can read my title clear."
+
+We should not be surprised any day to hear that a marriage market had been
+opened on one of the plazas of Rome, the quotations of which would read
+something after this fashion: Husbands dull and declining; American
+beauties more active; foreign mammas less firm; American securities in
+great demand; the market in princes somewhat stronger; holders of titles
+much sought after; brains without money a drug in the market; "bogus"
+counts at a discount; the genealogy market panicky and falling; the stock
+of nobility rapidly depreciating; the pedigree exchange market flat and
+declining, etc., etc. This traffic in titles, this barter in dowries, this
+swapping of "blood" for dollars, is an offense too rank for words to embody
+it. The trade in cadetships is mild in comparison with it, because in these
+commercial transactions with counts, while one party may be the purchaser,
+both parties are inevitably seen to be sold. The business may only be
+excusable on the theory that "an even exchange is no robbery." But so long
+as brains are not bartered for a title, or beauty sacrificed for a
+pedigree, we should not complain. Of money, there is plenty in America;
+and, while marquises are in the market, let Shoddy continue to pipe for its
+own. A fig for Macbeth's philosophy that "blood will have blood." We modify
+it in these degenerate days to "blood will have money:"
+
+  "Maidens, like moths, are ever caught by glare;
+  And Mammon wins his way where Seraphs might despair."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  "The Lay of the Last Minstrel."
+
+  "SHOO FLY, don't bodder me."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Benedict's Time."
+
+THE honeymoon.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Homoeopathic Cure for Hydrophobia.
+
+BARK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Ode to my Washerwoman.
+
+$2 50.
+
+
+
+
+A.T. STEWART & CO.
+
+ARE MAKING
+
+_GREAT REDUCTIONS,_
+
+In the Prices of the Goods
+
+IN ALL THE DEPARTMENTS
+
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+
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+
+NAMELY
+
+SILKS, SATINS, VELVETS,
+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
+
+INFANT'S WARDROBES,
+
+
+Gentlemen's Furnishing Goods of every Description,
+
+
+HOUSEKEEPING AND HOUSE-FURNISHING GOODS,
+
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+
+Damask Table-Cloths, Napkins,
+
+Towels, Towelings,
+
+Blankets. Flannels,
+
+Quilts, Counterpanes, Carpets, Mats, Rugs,
+
+
+ENGLISH AND AMERICAN OIL-CLOTHS
+
+Upholstery Goods in Brocatelles,
+
+Silk Terrys, Plain Satins, Figured
+
+Cotelaines, Striped Reps,
+
+Furniture Chintzes,
+
+Etc., Etc., Etc.,
+
+AT EXTREMELY LOW PRICES.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BROADWAY,
+
+Fourth Avenue, Ninth and Tenth Streets,
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The two great objects of a learner's ambition ought to be to speak a
+foreign language idiomatically, and to pronounce it correctly; and these
+are the objects which are most carefully provided for in the MASTERY
+SYSTEM.
+
+The Mastery of Languages;
+
+OR
+
+THE ART OF SPEAKING LANGUAGES
+
+IDIOMATICALLY.
+
+BY THOMAS PRENDERGAST.
+
+  _I. Hand-Book of The Mastery Series.
+
+ II. The Mastery Series. French.
+
+III. The Mastery Series. German.
+
+ IV. The Mastery Series. Spanish._
+
+PRICE 50 CENTS EACH.
+
+_From Professor E.M. Gallaudet, of the National Deaf Mute College._
+
+"The results which crowned the labor of the first week were so astonishing
+that he fears to detail them fully lest doubts should be raised as to his
+credibility. But this much he does not hesitate to claim, that, after a
+study of less than two weeks, he was able to sustain conversation in the
+newly-acquired language on a great variety of subjects."
+
+FROM THE ENGLISH PRESS.
+
+"The principle may be explained in a line--it is first learning the
+language, and then studying the grammar, and then learning (or trying to
+learn) the language."--_Morning Star_.
+
+"We know that there are some who have given Mr. Prendergast's plan a trial,
+and discovered that in a few weeks its results had surpassed all their
+expectations."--_Record_.
+
+"A week's patient trial of the French Manual has convinced that the method
+is sound."--_Papers for the Schoolmaster_.
+
+"The simplicity and naturalness of the system are obvious."--_Herald_
+(Birmingham.)
+
+"We know of no other plan which will infallibly lead to the result in a
+reasonable time."--_Norfolk News_.
+
+
+FROM THE AMERICAN PRESS.
+
+
+"The system is as near as can be to the one in which a child learns to
+talk."--_Troy Whig_.
+
+"We would advise all who are about to begin the study of languages to give
+it a trial."--_Rochester Democrat_.
+
+"For European travellers this volume is invaluable."--_Worcester Spy_.
+
+
+Either of the above volumes sent by mail free to any part of the United
+States on receipt of price.
+
+D. APPLETON & CO., Publishers,
+
+90, 92, and 94 Grand Street, New-York.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RED AS A ROSE IS SHE.
+
+_Third Edition._
+
+D. APPLETON & CO.,
+
+90, 92, and 94 Grand Street,
+
+Have now ready the Third Edition of
+
+RED AS A ROSE IS SHE.
+
+By the Author of "Cometh up as a Flower."
+
+1 vol. 8vo. Paper Covers, 60 cents.
+
+From the New-York _Evening Express_.
+
+"This is truly a charming novel; for half its contents breathe the very
+odor of the flower it takes as its title."
+
+From the Philadelphia _Inquirer_.
+
+"The author can and does write well; the descriptions of scenery are
+particularly effective, always graphic, and never overstrained."
+
+D.A. & Co. have just published:
+
+A SEARCH FOR WINTER SUNBEAMS IN THE
+
+RIVIERA, CORSICA, ALGIERS, AND SPAIN.
+
+By Hon. S.S. Cox. Illustrated. Price, $3.
+
+REPTILES AND BIRDS: A POPULAR ACCOUNT OF THEIR VARIOUS ORDERS, WITH A
+DESCRIPTION OF THE HABITS AND ECONOMY OF THE MOST INTERESTING.
+
+by Louis Figuier. Illustrated with 907 wood-cuts. 1 vol. 8vo, $6.
+
+
+HEREDITARY GENIUS: AN INQUIRY INTO ITS LAWS AND CONSEQUENCES.
+
+By Francis Galton. 1 vol. 8vo. $3.50.
+
+
+HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES OP
+
+LEARNING LANGUAGES.
+
+  I. THE HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES.
+
+ II. THE MASTERY SERIES, FRENCH.
+
+III. THE MASTERY SERIES, GERMAN,
+
+ IV. THE MASTERY SERIES, SPANISH.
+
+Price, 50 cents each.
+
+
+Either of the above sent free by mail to any address on receipt of the
+price.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_An Absolutely Pure Article_.
+
+
+THE
+
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+
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+
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+
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+
+
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+
+
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+
+
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+but throughout Europe where it has been tested
+
+
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+
+
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+
+
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+
+Have been sent to all parts of the world, and principally to the
+
+EAST AND WEST INDIES, AUSTRALIA, AND
+
+AFRICA,
+
+Where it is used
+
+In Preference to any other Brand known.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Orders will be received at their office,
+
+No. 15 William Street,
+
+For the above, and also for their other importations of
+
+WINES,
+
+BRANDIES,
+
+CIGARS, Etc.,
+
+Which they guarantee as to
+
+PURITY AND GENUINENESS.
+
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+
+15 William Street,
+
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+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DAT'S WHAT'S DE MATTER. _Melodramatic Tonsor_. "Boss,
+WHAT'S DE MATTER? WHAT DE BITTER CAUSE OF DAT PENSIB LEMENCHOLY?"
+
+_Boss, (gloomily.)_ "AH! CAUSE 'NUFF. DE RIGHTS OB DE CULLID PUSSON IS
+FORGOT, AND DE SIXTEENTH 'MENDMENT AND SUFFERIN' WOMAN RULES DE ROOST!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Harper's Periodicals.
+
+Magazine. Weekly. Bazar.
+
+_Subscription Price, $4 per year each. $10 for the three._
+
+An Extra Copy of either the MAGAZINE, WEEKLY, or BAZAR will be supplied
+gratis for every Club of Five Subscribers at $4 each, in one remittance;
+or, Six Copies for $20.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HARPER'S CATALOGUE
+
+May be obtained gratuitously on application to Harper & Brothers
+personally, or by letter, inclosing six cents in postage-stamps.
+
+_HARPER & BROTHERS, New-York_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HENRY L. STEPHENS,
+
+
+ARTIST,
+
+
+No. 160 Fulton Street,
+
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+
+Important to Newsdealers!
+
+
+ALL ORDERS FOR
+
+
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+
+
+Will be supplied by
+
+
+OUR SOLE ANB EXCLUSIVE AGENTS,
+
+
+American News Co.
+
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCHINELLO:
+
+
+TERMS TO CLUBS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS
+
+
+FIRST:
+
+
+_DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER_,
+
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+
+
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+
+
+These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful;
+and every lady should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind of
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+
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+
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+
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+
+This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on all
+former machines. No. 1, with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and Cover,
+complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole parts,
+etc., price, $60.
+
+
+WE WILL SEND THE
+
+Family Spinner,                       price, $8, for 4 subscribers and $16.
+No. 1 Crochet,                        price,  8, for 4 subscribers and 16.
+No. 2 Crochet,                        price, 15, for 6 subscribers and 24.
+No. 1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles,  price, 30, for 12 subscribers and 48.
+No. 2 Automatic Knitter, 84 needles,  price, 33, for 13 subscribers and 52.
+No. 3 Automatic Knitter, 100 needles, price, 37, for 15 subscribers and 60.
+No. 4 Automatic Knitter, 2 cylinders }
+                         1 72 needles}price, 40, for 16 subscribers and 64.
+                         1 100 needles}
+
+No. 1 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, price, $75, for 30
+subscribers and �120.
+No. 2 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, without buttonhole
+parts, etc. price, 60, for 25 subscribers and 100.
+
+
+Descriptive Circulars
+
+
+Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and
+full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers.
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+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 2, April 9,
+1870, by Various
+
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+<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN">
+<html>
+<head>
+<title>PUNCHINELLO, Vol. 1, No. 2</title>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1">
+<style type="text/css">
+<!--
+body {margin:10%; text-align:justify}
+img {border: 0;}
+blockquote {font-size:14pt}
+P {font-size:14pt}
+-->
+</style>
+</head>
+<body>
+
+<h1>Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 2</h1>
+<pre>
+Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 2, April 9, 1870, by Various
+
+Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the
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+*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!*****
+
+
+Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 2, April 9, 1870
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: December, 2005 [EBook #9481]
+[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
+[This file was first posted on October 4, 2003]
+
+Edition: 10
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, V1, N2 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, David Widger,
+Marvin A. Hodges and the Online Distributed Proofreaders
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<center>
+<img alt="cover.jpg (283K)" src="cover.jpg" height="1141" width="781">
+</center>
+
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="02.jpg (199K)" src="02.jpg" height="1135" width="779">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+
+<center>
+<img alt="03.jpg (160K)" src="03.jpg" height="710" width="710">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+
+<p>It is as difficult to say when the umbrella came, or where it came from, as<br>
+it is to tell where it goes to. Rumor hath it, however, that it came in<br>
+(that is, out of the rain) with NOAH. The story (as given us by an<br>
+antiquarian relative) says that when the Ark was built the camelopard was<br>
+forgotten, and it was found necessary to cut a hole in the roof to<br>
+accommodate the animal's neck. This done, SHEM sat upon the roof and held<br>
+an umbrella. SHEM thus <i>raised</i> the umbrella. Then our further<br>
+question follows, Where did he raise it? Evidently he raised the umbrella<br>
+on the Ark.</p>
+
+<p>These theories seem to us to be entitled to serious consideration; and<br>
+certainly it is a reasonable belief that, as the present suffering from the<br>
+high price of clothing is due to the sin of our first parents, so the<br>
+umbrella is the curse entailed by royalty, coming in with the First Reign<br>
+spoken of in history.</p>
+
+<p>The umbrella appears again in ancient time in connection with DANIEL, who,<br>
+it is said, carried one into the lions' den. The authority for this is a<br>
+historical painting that has fallen into the hands of an itinerant showman.<br>
+A curious fact is stated with reference to this picture, namely, that<br>
+DANIEL so closely resembled the lions in personal appearance that it was<br>
+necessary for the showman to state that "DANIEL might easily be<br>
+distinguished from the lions on account of the blue cotton umbrella under<br>
+his right arm."</p>
+
+<p>For what purpose this umbrella may have been carried we can only surmise.</p>
+
+<p>The most probable theory is, that it was to be used there to intimidate the<br>
+lions, as it has since been used toward mad bulls and other ferocious<br>
+beasts.</p>
+
+<p>We have now taken hold pretty firmly of what may be called the handle of<br>
+the umbrella. We have learned that, as ADAM raised CAIN, NOAH raised the<br>
+umbrella, and DANIEL carried one.</p>
+
+<p>We have learned further that the umbrella carried by DANIEL was a blue<br>
+cotton umbrella&mdash;undoubtedly the most primitive type of the umbrella.</p>
+
+<p>It is one of this class that your country friend brings down with him, that<br>
+darkeneth the heavens as with a canopy and maketh you ashamed of your<br>
+company. It is such an umbrella as this that is to be found or might have<br>
+been found, in ancient days, in every old farm-house&mdash;one that covered the<br>
+whole household when it went to church, occupying as much room when closed<br>
+as would the tent of an Arab.</p>
+
+<p>We have heard it said that it was the impossibility of two umbrellas of<br>
+this nature passing each other on a narrow road which led to the invention<br>
+of covered wagons.</p>
+
+<p>There is nothing lovely about a blue cotton umbrella, though there may have<br>
+been <i>under</i> it at times and seasons. Skeletons of the species, much<br>
+faded as to color, much weakened as to whalebone, may still be found here<br>
+and there in backwoods settlements, where they are known as "umbrells;"<br>
+there are but few perfect specimens in existence.</p>
+
+<p>The present style of the umbrella is varied, and sometimes elegant. The<br>
+cover is of silk; the ribs are of steel oftener than of bone, and the<br>
+handle is wrought into divers quaint and beautiful shapes. The most common<br>
+kind is the <i>hooked umbrella</i>. Most people have hooked umbrellas&mdash;or,<br>
+if this statement be offensive to any one, we will say that most people<br>
+have had umbrellas hooked. The chance resemblance of this expression to one<br>
+signifying to obstruct illegally that which properly belongs to another,<br>
+reminds us to speak of the singular fact that the umbrella is not property.<br>
+This is important. It rests on judicial decision, and becomes more<br>
+important when we remember that by similar decision the negro is property,<br>
+and that, therefore, until emancipation, the umbrella was superior to the<br>
+negro. The judicial decision cited will be found reported in <i>Vanity<br>
+Fair</i>, liber 3, page 265, and was on this wise: A man being arraigned<br>
+for stealing an umbrella, pleaded that it rained at the time, and he had no<br>
+umbrella. On these grounds he was discharged, and the judge took the<br>
+umbrella. (We may notice here how closely this decision has been followed,<br>
+even down to modern times, and touching other matters than umbrellas.)</p>
+
+<p>This established the fact that the umbrella was not property that could be<br>
+bought, sold, and stolen, but a free gift of the manufacturer to universal<br>
+creation. The right of ownership in umbrellas ranked henceforward with our<br>
+right to own the American continent, being merely a right by discovery.</p>
+
+<p>(TO BE CONTINUED.)</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="03a.jpg (94K)" src="03a.jpg" height="468" width="533">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+
+
+
+
+<hr>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>
+<br>
+Depressing for Chicago.</p>
+
+<p>
+The Chicago press has given up all hopes of the PRINCE OF WALES since he<br>
+has proved his innocence in regard to Lady MORDAUNT. Chicago had begun to<br>
+look upon him with mildly patronizing favor, when he was accused of a share<br>
+in a really first-class divorce case; but now that his innocence is<br>
+established, there is no longer any extenuating circumstance which can<br>
+induce Chicago to overlook the infamous crime of his royal birth.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>Latest from the Isthmus of Suez.</p>
+
+<p>
+Of all men, the followers of MOHAMMED are the most candid; since no matter<br>
+of what you accuse them, they always acknowledge the Koran.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>Right and Left.</p>
+
+<p>Because the P.&amp; O. Directors have suspended their EYRE, we are not called<br>
+upon to suspend our anger. We decline to believe that he can justify<br>
+himself in leaving the Oneida, however blameless he may have been in the<br>
+matter of the collision. Because the Oneida was Left it does not follow<br>
+that the Bombay was Right.</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<hr>
+<center>
+<h3>THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.</h3>
+</center>
+
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<img alt="04.jpg (92K)" src="04.jpg" height="615" width="411">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+
+</td><td>
+<p>Mr. BOUCICAULT might properly be called the author of the elementary Drama.
+Not because his plays, like elementary lessons in French, are peculiarly
+aggravating to the well-regulated mind, but because of his fondness for
+employing one of the elements of nature&mdash;fire, water, or golden hair&mdash;in
+the production of the sensation which invariably takes place in the fourth
+or fifth act of each of his popular dramas. In the <i>Streets of
+New-York</i>, he made a hit by firing a building at the spectacularly
+disposed audience. In <i>Formosa</i>, he gave us a boat-race; and in
+<i>Lost at Sea</i>, now running at WALLACK'S, he has renewed his former
+fondness for playing with fire. The following condensed version of this
+play is offered to the readers of PUNCHINELLO, with the assurance that,
+though it may be a little more coherent than the unabridged edition, it is
+a faithful picture of the sort of thing that Mr. BOUCICAULT, aided and
+abetted by Mr. WALLACK, thinks proper to offer to the public.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+
+
+<hr>
+
+
+<center>
+<h3>LOST AT SEA.</h3>
+</center>
+
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>
+ACT I. <i>Scene</i> 1. <i>Enter Virtuous Banker</i>. "I have embezzled<br>
+WALTER CORAM'S money, and he is coming from India to claim it. I am a<br>
+ruined man."</p>
+
+<p><i>Enter Unprincipled Clerk</i>. "Not so. WALTER CORAM is lost at sea, and<br>
+we will keep the money."</p>
+
+<p><i>Virtuous Banker</i>. "Thank heaven! I am not found out, and can remain<br>
+an honest man as usual."</p>
+
+<p><i>Scene</i> 2. <i>Enter Comic Villain</i>. "I am just released from prison<br>
+and must soon meet my wife." (<i>Swears and smashes in his hat</i>.)</p>
+
+<p><i>Enter Unprincipled Clerk</i>. "Not so. WALTER, CORAM is lost at sea.<br>
+Personate him, draw his money, and share it with me."</p>
+
+<p><i>Comic Villain</i>. "I will." (<i>Swears and smashes in his hat</i>.)</p>
+
+<p><i>Scene</i> 3. <i>Enter Miss Effie Germon</i>. (Aside.) "I am supposed to<br>
+be a virtuous and vagabond boy. I hate to show my ankles in ragged<br>
+trowsers, but I must." (<i>Shows them. Applause</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>Enter Daughter of Comic Villain</i>. "I love the unprincipled clerk; but<br>
+there is a sick stranger up-stairs who pokes the fire in a way that I can<br>
+hardly resist. Be firm, my heart. Shall I be untrue to my own unprincipled<br>
+&mdash;&mdash;-"</p>
+
+<p><i>Enter Unprincipled Clerk</i>. "Not so. WALTER CORAM is lost at sea, and<br>
+I must leave these valuable boxes in your hands for safe-keeping."<br>
+(<i>Leaves the boxes, and then leaves himself</i>.)</p>
+
+<p><i>Enter Sick Stranger</i>. "I am WALTER CORAM. Those are my boxes.<br>
+Somebody is personating me. Big thing on somebody. Let him go ahead."<br>
+(<i>Curtain</i>.)</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p><i>Young Lady in the Audience</i>. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON perfectly lovely?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Accompanying Bostonian Youth</i>. "Yes; but you should see RISTORI in<br>
+<i>Marie Antoinette</i>. There is a sweetness and light about the great<br>
+tragedienne which &mdash;&mdash;-"</p>
+
+<p><i>Heavy old Party, to contiguous Young Man</i>. "Don't think much of this;<br>
+do you? Now, in TOM PLACIDS's day&mdash;&mdash;" <i>Contiguous and aggrieved Young<br>
+Man pleads an engagement and hastily goes out</i>.</p>
+
+<p>ACT II. <i>Scene</i> 1. <i>Virtuous Banker's Villa, Comic Villain,<br>
+Unprincipled Clerk, and Wealthy Heroine dining with the Banker</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Enter Original Coram</i>. "I am WALTER CORAM; but I can't prove it, the<br>
+villains having stolen my bootjack."</p>
+
+<p><i>Enter Comic Villain, who smashes in his hat, and swears</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Original Coram. (Approaching him</i>.) "This is WALTER CORAM, I believe?<br>
+I knew you in India. We boarded together. Don't you remember old FUTTYGHUR<br>
+ALLAHABAD, and the rest of our set?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Comic Villain, in great mental torture</i>. "Certainly; of course: I<br>
+said so at the time." (<i>Swears and smashes in his hat</i>.) (<i>Exeunt<br>
+omnes, in search of Virtuous Banker</i>.)</p>
+
+<p><i>Scene</i> 2. <i>Enter Miss Effie Germon, by climbing over the wall</i>.<br>
+"I hate to climb over the wall and show my ankles in these nasty trowsers,<br>
+but I must." (<i>Shows them. Applause</i>.)</p>
+
+<p><i>Enter Daughter of Comic Villain</i>. "Great Heavings! What do I see? My<br>
+beloved clerk offering himself to the wealthy heroine? I must faint!"<br>
+(<i>Faints</i>.)</p>
+
+<p><i>Enter aristocratic lover of wealthy heroine, and catches the faintress<br>
+in his arms. Wealthy heroine catches him in the act. Tableau of virtuous<br>
+indignation</i>. (<i>Curtain</i>)</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p><i>Young Lady before-named</i>. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON perfectly sweet?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Bostonian Youth</i>. "Yes; but RISTORI&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p><i>Mighty Young Men</i>. "Let's go out for drinks."</p>
+
+<p>
+ACT III. <i>Scene</i> 1. <i>Enter Daughter of Comic Villain</i>. "My clerk<br>
+is false, and I don't care a straw for him. Consequently, I will drown<br>
+myself."</p>
+
+<p><i>Enter Original Coram</i>. "I am WALTER CORAM; but I can't prove it, the<br>
+villains having stolen my Calcutta latch-key. Better not drown yourself, my<br>
+dear. You'll find it beastly wet. Don't do it." (<i>She doesn't do it</i>.)<br>
+(<i>Curtain</i>.)</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p><i>Young Lady before-named</i>. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON perfectly beautiful?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Bostonian Youth</i>. "Yes. But at her age RISTORI&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p><i>Heavy old Party murmurs in his sleep of ELLEN TREE. More young men go<br>
+out to get drinks</i>.</p>
+
+<p>
+ACT IV. <i>Scene</i> 1. <i>Enter Virtuous Banker</i>. "All is lost. There<br>
+is a run on the bank &mdash;&mdash;-"</p>
+
+<p><i>Enter Unprincipled Clerk</i>. "WALTER CORAM presents check for &pound;7 4 S.<br>
+We have no funds. Shall we pay it?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Enter Original Coram</i>. (<i>Aside</i>.) "I am WALTER CORAM; but I<br>
+can't prove it, the villains having taken my other handkerchief. (<i>To the<br>
+Banker</i>.) Sir, you once gave me a penny, and you have since embezzled my<br>
+fortune. How can I repay such noble conduct? Here is a bag of gold. Take it<br>
+and pay your creditors."</p>
+
+<p><i>Scene</i> 2. <i>Enter Unprincipled Clerk and Comic Villain</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Unprincipled Clerk</i>. "The original CORAM has turned up. We must turn<br>
+him down again. I will burn him in his bed to-night."</p>
+
+<p><i>Comic Villain</i>. "Burn him; but don't attempt any violence." (<i>Swears<br>
+and smashes in his hat</i>.)</p>
+
+<p><i>Scene</i> 4. <i>Enter Original Coram</i>. "I am WALTER COHAM; but I<br>
+can't prove it&mdash;I forget precisely why. What is this in my coffee? Opium!<br>
+It is, by SIVA, VISHNU, and others! They would fain drug my drink. Ha! Ha!<br>
+I have drank, eaten, smoked, chewed, and snuffed opium for ninety years. I<br>
+like it. So did my parents. I am, so to speak, the child of poppy. Ha! What<br>
+do I see? Flames twenty feet high all around me! Can this be fire? The<br>
+wretches mean to burn me alive! (<i>Aside</i>&mdash;And they'll do it too, some<br>
+night, if Moss don't keep a sharp look-out after those lazy carpenters.)"</p>
+
+<p><i>Enter Miss Effie German</i>. (<i>Aside</i>.) "I must get on the roof and<br>
+drag CORAM out. I hate to do it; for I shall have to show my ankles in<br>
+these horrid trowsers. But I suppose I must." (<i>Gets on the roof with<br>
+Comic Villain's Daughter, shows ankles, lifts up roof and saves Coram, amid<br>
+whirlwinds of applause and smoke.&mdash;Curtain</i>)</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p><i>Young Lady before-named</i>. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON <i>too</i> lovely?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Bostonian Youth</i>. "Yes. RISTORI is, however &mdash;&mdash;-"</p>
+
+<p><i>Heavy old Party</i>. "This fire business is dangerous, sir. Never saw it<br>
+done at the old Park. EDMUND KEAN would &mdash;&mdash;-"</p>
+
+<p>ACT V. <i>Enter Original Coram</i>. "I am WALTER CORAM. I can now prove it<br>
+by simply mentioning the fact. I love the daughter of the Comic Villain,<br>
+and will marry her."</p>
+
+<p><i>Unprincipled Clerk</i>. "All is lost except WALTER CORAM, who ought to<br>
+be. I will go to Australia, at once." (<i>He goes</i>.)</p>
+
+<p><i>Comic Villain</i>, (<i>smashes his hat over his eyes and swears</i>).</p>
+
+<p><i>Virtuous Banker</i>. "Bless you, my children. I forgive you all the<br>
+injuries I have done you." (<i>Curtain</i>.)</p>
+
+<br>
+<hr>
+<br>
+
+<p><i>Every body in the audience</i>. "How do you like&mdash;Real fire; STODDAHT'S<br>
+faces are&mdash;Real fire; EFFIE GERMON is&mdash;Real fire; Come and take&mdash;Real fire;<br>
+JIM WALLACK is always at home in&mdash;Real fire; There is nothing in the play<br>
+but&mdash;Real fire."</p>
+
+<p><i>Misanthropic Critic, to gentlemanly Treasurer</i>. "Can I have two seats<br>
+for to-morrow night?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Treasurer</i>. "All sold, sir. Play draws better than <i>Ours</i>!"</p>
+
+<p><i>Misanthropic Critic</i>. Well! no matter. I only wanted to send my<br>
+mother-in-law, knowing that the house must take fire some night. However,<br>
+I'll read the play to her instead; if she survives that, she isn't mortal.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p><i>Suggestion kindly made to Manager Moss</i>.&mdash;Have the fire scene take<br>
+place in the first act, and let all the <i>dramatis personae</i> perish in<br>
+the flames. Thus shall the audience be spared the vulgar profanity of<br>
+STODDART'S "Comic Villain," the absurdity of WALLACK'S "Coram," the twaddle<br>
+of HIELD'S "Virtuous Banker," and the impossible imbecility of FISHER'S<br>
+"Unprincipled Clerk." Miss GERMON in trowsers, and Miss HENRIQUES in tears,<br>
+are very nice; but they do not quite redeem the wretchedness of the play.<br>
+The sooner Mr. Moss gives up his present flame and returns to his early<br>
+love&mdash;legitimate comedy&mdash;the better.</p>
+<p>MATADOR.</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<hr>
+<center>
+<h3>HOW TO BEHAVE AT A THEATRE.</h3></center>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>
+MR. PUNCHINELLO: I take it you are willing to receive useful information.<br>
+Of course you are&mdash;Why? Because, while you may be humorous, you intend also<br>
+to be sensible. I have in my day been to the theatre not a little. I have<br>
+seen many plays and many audiences. I know&mdash;or, at least, think I do&mdash;what<br>
+is good acting, and&mdash;what good manners. Suffer me, then, briefly to give<br>
+you a few hints as to how an audience should behave. I shall charge nothing<br>
+for the information, though I am frank to insinuate that it is worth a<br>
+deal&mdash;of the value, perhaps, of a great deal table.</p>
+
+<p>First. Always take a lady with you to the play. It will please her,<br>
+whatever the bother to you. Besides, you will then be talked to. If you<br>
+make a mess of it in trying to unravel the plot, she will essentially aid<br>
+you in that direction. Nothing like a woman for a plot&mdash;especially if you<br>
+desire to plunge head foremost into one.</p>
+
+<p>Second. If you have any loud conversation to indulge in, do it while the<br>
+play is going on. Possibly it may disturb your neighbors; but you do not<br>
+ask them to hear it. Hail Columbia! isn't this a free country? If you have<br>
+any private and confidential affairs to talk over, the theatre is the place<br>
+in which to do it. Possibly strangers may not comprehend all the bearings;<br>
+but that is not your fault. You do your best&mdash;who can do better?</p>
+
+<p>Third. If you have an overcoat or any other garment, throw it across the<br>
+adjoining or front seat. Never mind any protests of frown or word. Should<br>
+not people be willing to accommodate? Of course they should. Prove it by<br>
+putting your dripping umbrella against the lady with the nice moire antique<br>
+silk. It may ruffle her temper; but that's her business, not yours; she<br>
+shouldn't be ridiculous because well dressed.</p>
+
+<p>Fourth. Try and drop your opera-glass half a dozen times of an evening. If<br>
+it makes a great racket&mdash;as of course it will&mdash;and rolls a score of seats<br>
+off, hasten at once to obtain possession of the frisky instrument. Let<br>
+these little episodes be done at a crisis in the play where the finest<br>
+points are being evolved.</p>
+
+<p>Fifth. Of course you carry a cane&mdash;a very ponderous cane. What for? To use<br>
+it, obviously. Contrive to do so when every body is silent. What's the use<br>
+in being demonstrative in a crowd? It don't pay. Besides, you dog, you know<br>
+your <i>forte</i> is in being odd. Odd fellow-you. See it in your<br>
+brain&mdash;only half of one. Make a point to bring down your cane when there is<br>
+none, (point, not cane,) and shout out "Good!" or "Bravo!" when you have<br>
+reason to believe other people are going to be quiet.</p>
+
+<p>Sixth. Never go in till after a play begins, and invariably leave in the<br>
+middle of an act, and in the most engaging scene.</p>
+
+<p>These are but a few hints. However, I trust they are good as far as they<br>
+go. I may send you a half-dozen more. In the mean time I remain</p>
+
+<p>Yours, truly,</p>
+
+<p>O. FOGY.</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+
+<hr>
+
+<center>
+<img alt="05.jpg (321K)" src="05.jpg" height="1565" width="719">
+</center>
+
+
+
+<hr>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>V. H. to Punchinello.</p>
+
+<p>The following letter, received by the French cable, explains itself. After<br>
+the perusal of it, America warms toward France:</p>
+
+<p>HAUTEVILLE PARK, March 25,1870.</p>
+
+<p>To THE EDITOR OF THE PUNCHINELLO:</p>
+
+<p>MONSIEUR: The advance copy of your journal has stormed my heart. I owe it<br>
+one happy day.</p>
+
+<p>Europe trembles. They light their torches sinister, those trans-alpine<br>
+vacillationists. The church, already less tranquil, dis-segregates itself.<br>
+We laugh.</p>
+
+<p>To your journal there is a future, and there will be a past.</p>
+
+<p>The age has its pulsations, and it never forgets.</p>
+
+<p>I, too, remember.</p>
+
+<p>There is also blood. Upon it already glitters the dust of glory.</p>
+
+<p>Monsieur! I salute you and your <i>confreres</i>!</p>
+
+<p>Accept my homage and my emotion.</p>
+
+<p>VICTOR HUGO.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<br>
+<hr>
+<br>
+<center>
+<h3>THE HABITS OF GREAT MEN.</h3></center>
+<br>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;"Lives of great men all remind us<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;We can make our lives sublime,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;And, departing, leave behind us<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Footprints on the sands of time."</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>
+Almost since the world began, people have been interested in and<br>
+entertained by gossip respecting the personal habits and individual<br>
+idiosyncrasies of popular writers and orators. It is a universal and<br>
+undying characteristic of human nature. No age has been exempt from it from<br>
+PLINY'S time down to BEECHER'S. It may suitably be called the scarlet-fever<br>
+of curiosity, and rash indeed must be the writer who refuses or neglects to<br>
+furnish any food for the scandal-monger's maw. While we deprecate in the<br>
+strongest terms the custom which persists in lifting the veil of<br>
+personality from the forehead of the great, respect for traditional usages<br>
+and obligation to the present, as well as veneration for the future, impels<br>
+us to reveal some things that are not generally known concerning the men<br>
+who are playing "leading business" on the world's great stage of to-day.</p>
+
+<p>For instance, mankind is generally ignorant of the fact that Mr. SUMNER<br>
+bathes twice a day in a compound, two thirds of which is water and one<br>
+third milk, and that he dictates most of his speeches to a stenographer<br>
+while reclining in the bath-tub. WENDELL PHILLIPS is said to have written<br>
+the greater portion of his famous lecture on "The Lost Arts" on the backs<br>
+of old envelopes while waiting for a train in the Boston depot. Mr. GEORGE<br>
+W. CURTIS prepares his mind for writing by sleeping with his head encased<br>
+in a nightcap lined with leaves of lavender and rose. GRANT, it is said,<br>
+accomplishes most of his writing while under the influence of either opium<br>
+or chloroform, which will account for the soothing character of his state<br>
+papers. WALT WHITMAN writes most of his poetry in the dissecting-room of<br>
+the Medical College, where he has a desk fitted up in close proximity to<br>
+the operating table. Mr. DANA is said to write most of his editorials in<br>
+one of the parlors of the Manhattan Club, arrayed in black broadcloth from<br>
+the sole of his head to the crown of his foot, his hands encased in corn-<br>
+colored kids, a piece of chewing-gum in his mouth, and a bottle of Cherry<br>
+Pectoral by his side. The report that he eats fish every morning for his<br>
+breakfast is untrue: he rejects FISH. COLFAX writes all his speeches and<br>
+lectures with his feet in hot water, and his head wrapped in a moist towel.<br>
+His greatest vice, next to being Vice-President, is to insist upon having<br>
+his writing desk in front of a mirror. BUTLER accomplishes most of his<br>
+literary labor over a dish of soup, which he absorbs through the medium of<br>
+two of his favorite weapons, thus keeping both his hands employed, and<br>
+dictating to an amanuensis every time his mouth enjoys a vacation. BEECHER<br>
+has several methods by which he prepares his mind to write a sermon: By<br>
+riding up and down Broadway on the top of a stage; visiting the Academy of<br>
+Anatomy, or spending a few hours at the Bloomingdale Retreat. Neither<br>
+HOLMES nor WHITTIER are able to write a line of poetry until they are<br>
+brought in contact with the blood of freshly-slain animals; while, on the<br>
+other hand, LONGFELLOW'S only dissipation previous to poetic effort, is a<br>
+dish of baked beans. FORNEY vexes his gigantic intellect with iced water<br>
+and tobacco, (of the latter, "two papers, both daily.") Mr. TILTON composes<br>
+as he reposes in his night-dress, with his hair powdered and "a strawberry<br>
+mark upon his left arm." Mr. PARTON writes with his toes, his hands being<br>
+employed meanwhile knitting hoods for the destitute children of Alaska. Mr.<br>
+P. is a philanthropist. BAYARD TAYLOR writes only in his sleep or while in<br>
+a trance state&mdash;notwithstanding the fact that he lives in the State of<br>
+Pennsylvania. He will then dictate enough to require the services of three<br>
+or four stenographers, and in the morning is ready to attend to the<br>
+laborious and exacting duties attached to the position of stockholder in<br>
+the New-York <i>Tribune</i>. Mr. GREELEY conceives some of his most<br>
+brilliant editorial articles while churning the mercurial milk of the<br>
+Chappaqua farm into butter; or vexing the gracious grain with the flying<br>
+flail; or listening to the pensive murmurings of the plaintive pigs, and<br>
+the whispered cadences of the kindly cattle. RICHARD GRANT WHITE can't<br>
+write, it is said, until a towel moistened with Cologne water is applied to<br>
+his nostrils. Sometimes, however, he varies the monotony of this method by<br>
+riding several miles in a Third Avenue car, which produces a similar<br>
+effect. OAKEY HALL writes his best things while riding on horseback in<br>
+Central Park; his saddle being arranged with a writing-desk accompaniment;<br>
+and while OAKEY dashes off the sentences, his horse furnishes the Stops.<br>
+And just here we propose to stop furnishing further revelations concerning<br>
+the men whose deeds have made their names famous in current national and<br>
+local history.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+
+
+<hr>
+<center>
+<img alt="06.jpg (168K)" src="06.jpg" height="770" width="589">
+</center>
+
+
+<hr>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>
+Taking the Cue.</p>
+
+<p>
+There is a strong disposition among those of our diplomats who may be able<br>
+to talk a little "pigeon English," to obtain the Chinese position left<br>
+vacant by Mr. BURLINGAME. Most of these gentlemen can point the Moral of<br>
+the matter&mdash;the sixty thousand dollars a year&mdash;but whether any of them<br>
+would adorn the Tail, is quite another affair.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>Questions for H.G.</p>
+
+<p>
+Is not the <i>Tribune</i> influenced by its negrophilism in denouncing<br>
+PIERRE BONAPARTE as an assassin? Had the victim been a BLANC instead of a<br>
+NOIR, would Mr. GREELEY have felt quite as much sympathy for him?</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>APROPOS OF THE "ONEIDA."&mdash;The windiest excuses of the day are those of<br>
+EYRE.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<hr>
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<h3>ARRAH WHAT DOES HE MANE AT ALL?</h3>
+</center>
+<br>
+<center>
+<p>
+<i>Scene. The White House</i>.</p>
+
+<p>ULYSSES ASLEEP. CUBA, ROONEY, AND FISH OUTSIDE ON THE LOBBY.</p>
+</center>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>ROONEY <i>Loquitur</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;ULYSSES asthore! Good lord, don't he snore!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;ULYSSES! ULYSSES, my boy!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;There's company here, must see you, me dear,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;In spite of this Spanish kill-joy.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;This Minister FISH, who, had he his wish,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Wud put your ould ROONEY down-stairs.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Ay, faith if he dar, but betther by far<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;The sinner was sayin' his pray'rs.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Arrah what does he mane at all?</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;Now, ULICK S. GRANT, it's your own self I want,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;To patiently listen, mavrone,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;To what I've to say, in a fatherly way,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;As if you wor child ov my own.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;For shure is it time, in prose or in rhyme,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;That somebody spoke up, who dar'.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;ULYSSES awake! for Liberty's sake,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;It's braykin our hearts you are.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Arrah what do you mane at all?</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;Och, wirrasthrue vo! it's bitther to know<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;The work that goes an in your name;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;The murdher an' ruin, that others are doin'<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Whilst you have to showlder the shame!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;The grief that is ours, whin you, by the Pow'rs,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Seem traytin it all like a joke,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Like NAYRO, the thief, whin Room was in grief,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;That fiddled away in the smoke!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Arrah what do you mane at all?</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;Och, wake up, ochone! Your innimies groan<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;The words that cut deep as a sword:<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;"He's greedy for goold, an by its slaves rooled<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;ULYSSES is false to his word.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;See poor Cuba there, all tatthered and bare;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;For months at his doore she has stud;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Not a word he replies to her sobs or her sighs,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Nor cares for her tears or her blood!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Arrah what does he mane at all?"</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;Musha, what's that you say? "Sind the ould fool away."<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm disturbin' your rest wid my prate;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;There's Minister FISH, to consult if I wish,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Who attinds to all matthers of state.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;An' Cuba, she too, wid her hulabaloo,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;May just as well bundle an' go;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;You won't hear us now, wid our murtherin row,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;You'll sleep it out whether or no!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Arrah what do we mane at all?</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;Ah! then, by my sowl, this thratemint is foul&mdash;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;To put your best frinds to the blush;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;An' wor you sinsare, in what you sed there<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;We'd tie up your whistle, my thrush!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;But ULICK, machree, you can't desave me,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;By sayin' the word you don't mane;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Or make her beleeve who stands at me sleeve,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;In FISH an' his Castles in Spane.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Arrah what do you mane at all?</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;'Tis late in the day to talk in that way;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;We've had ministhers dishes galore,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;An' laste to my taste, at the blundherin faste,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;The sauce ov that fish one, asthore.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;No, ULICK, alan! the work that's in han'<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Must be done by yourself, if at all.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Your cooks, by my troth, are burnin' the broth,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;We smell it out here in the hall!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Arrah what do you mane at all?</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;No, ULICK, my boy, rise up to our joy,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;An' make a clane sweep ov the crowd<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Of tinkerin tools, an' blundherin fools,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;That put your wits undher a cloud.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Rise up in your might, an' sthrike for the right!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Let England an' Spain hear us talk;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Give FISH his conjay, an' ROONEY will stay;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;You'll then see who's cock ov the walk!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Arrah what do you mane at all?</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;Lave Britain alone; if she won't pay, mavrone,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;She's puttin' her head into debt.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;If I know the books, the way the thing looks,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;She'll pay us, wid intherest, yet!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Ay, faith he did say, so wise in his day&mdash;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;That noble ould Graycian, PHILANDER&mdash;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;That sauce for the goose, if well kept for use,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Was just as good sauce for the gandher!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Arrah what did he mane at all?</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;But Spain, the ould wulf, for her tricks in the Gulf,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Her robbery, murdher, and worse,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>Her</i> debt, she must see, is put down C.O.D.,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Wid Cuba relaysed from her curse.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Ay, FISH, you may sweat, an' SUMNER may threat,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;An' burst his crack'd head in the row;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;The People have spoke, that's fire an' not smoke!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;An' this must be finished, an' now.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Arrah what do you mane at all?</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;Och! ULICK, awake, for Liberty's sake!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;If not for your ROONEY, asthore;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;The Godiss is here, but thrimbles wid fear<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Ov the cowld-blooded Thing at the doore.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;She sez that your name a by-word of shame<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Will be to the nations onborn,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;If you lie there anmov'd whilst the flag that you lov'd<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Is flouted by Spaniards wid scorn.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Arrah what do you mane at all?</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;She sez, an' wid grief, her love for the chief,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;That fought neath her bannir so long,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Will turn into hate, that will cling to the fate<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Ov him who now sides wid the wrong.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;She sez ov all woes that misery knows,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;The grief ov the wronger's the worst<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Who houlds back his ban' from a sufferin' lan'<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;An' laves her to tyrants accurs'd!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Arrah what do you mane at all?</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;Ah! <i>that</i> stirs your blood; I thought that it wud.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Your rizin', me bouchal; it's done!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Go on wid your pray'rs! I'm kickin' down-stairs<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;This ould Spanish mack'rel, for fun.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Sweet Liberty here, and Cuba, my dear!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;You'll stay for the bite an' the sup?<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;An' pardon my joy; since I've woke up the boy<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;I don't know what ind ov me's up!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Arrah what did he mane at all?</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<hr>
+<br><br><br>
+<center>
+<h3>Travellers' Tales.</h3></center>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>
+No one now believes that DR. LIVINGSTONE was burnt for sorcery. The<br>
+originator of the report could have made a more plausible story by<br>
+asserting that LIVINGSTONE refused to marry the daughter of an African<br>
+chief, and was consequently put to death. This would have been strictly in<br>
+accordance with the customs of the African aristocracy, and would also have<br>
+called forth general admiration for the man who preferred to burn rather<br>
+than to marry.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<br><br>
+
+<p>City Hamlets vs. Rural Ditto.</p>
+
+<p>
+The leading cities of late have grown almost wild with excitement over<br>
+their HAMLETS; but in country localities, the hamlets are marked for<br>
+quietude, and a refreshing freedom from all that is stagey, except,<br>
+perhaps, stage-coaches.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+
+<hr>
+<center>
+<img alt="07.jpg (198K)" src="07.jpg" height="653" width="933">
+</center>
+<center>
+<h3>
+ORANGE-PEEL, ET. CETERA.</h3>
+</center>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>
+PUNCHINELLO, ever ready to hail with acclamation all that is for the<br>
+welfare of his fellow-men, is delighted to learn that an<br>
+"Anti-Orange-peel-and-Banana-skin Association" has been organized in the<br>
+city of New-York. The great number of severe accidents annually caused by<br>
+the idiotic custom of casting orange-peel and such other lubricious<br>
+integuments recklessly about the side-walks, has long furnished a topic for<br>
+public animadversion. Some of our leading citizens have taken the matter in<br>
+hand&mdash;or, to speak more correctly, on foot. The picture at the top of this<br>
+page gives a life-like representation of the Association referred to,<br>
+engaged in their benevolent work of removing from the side-walk with their<br>
+Boots all such fragments as might tend to the development of Slippers. The<br>
+Association has PUNCHINELLO'S best wishes. The Orange-Outangs who render<br>
+the side-walks dangerous have his worst.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<hr>
+<center>
+<h3>
+HAMLET FROM A RURAL POINT.</h3></center>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>The Great FECHTER as HAMLET has given us another proof of the brilliant<br>
+imagination of Mr. DICKENS. The play is so well known that a synopsis of it<br>
+is unnecessary. Yet a few words on the subject.</p>
+
+<p>An economical mother in high society permits baked meats left from a<br>
+funeral festival to be served at a subsequent entertainment. Her son takes<br>
+umbrage at this; becomes morose and sullen; affects spiritualism and<br>
+private theatricals. This leads to serious family difficulties, culminating<br>
+in a domestic broil of unusual violence. The intellectual aim of the piece<br>
+is to show the extraordinary loquacity of a Danish Prince. The moral<br>
+inculcated by it is, "Spare the rod and spoil the child." It is replete<br>
+with quotations from the best authors, and contains many passages of marked<br>
+ability. Its literary merit is unquestionable, though it lacks the vivacity<br>
+of BOUCICAULT, and possesses no situation of such intense interest as the<br>
+scene in ROSINA MEADOWS where the heroine starts for Boston.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. FECHTER presents HAMLET as a perfect "flaxy;" partly in deference to<br>
+the present popularity of the tint, and partly to show a marked contrast<br>
+with his OTHELLO, which character he always makes up as a male brunette.<br>
+His countenance is of great breadth and flexibility, ranging in its full<br>
+compass from the Placid Babe to the Outraged Congressman. His voice extends<br>
+from B flat <i>profundo</i> to the <i>ut de poitrine piccolo</i>. The<br>
+emotional nature of HAMLET gives him opportunity to exhibit both of these<br>
+wonderful organs, and in <i>tutta forza</i> passages, where he forces them<br>
+to their utmost power, the effect is exhilarating.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. FECHTER is polished. He does not hesitate to correct the sometimes rude<br>
+and occasionally offensive remarks of HAMLET. Mr. FECHTER is refined. He<br>
+permits "no maggots in a dead dog." He substitutes "trichinae in<br>
+prospective pork." Fashionable patrons will appreciate this. They cherish<br>
+poodles, particularly post-mortem; they disdain swine. Mr. FECHTER is<br>
+polite. He excludes "the insolence of office," and "the cutpurse of the<br>
+empire and the rule." Collector BAILEY'S "fetch" sits in front. Mr. FECHTER<br>
+is fastidious. He omits the prefatory remarks to "assume a virtue," but<br>
+urges his mother to seek relief in Chicago. Considering her frivolous<br>
+conduct and the acrid colloquy consequent upon the comparison of<br>
+photographs, this is filial as well as affectionate.</p>
+
+<p>Minor actors must, of course, be precluded from liberties with the text;<br>
+but presuming the alterations in question to be the result of a<br>
+consultation with Mr. DICKENS, we must rejoice that SHAKESPEARE is being<br>
+toned to good society. We commend the improved readings to the delicate<br>
+susceptibilities of the community.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. FECHTER is a great genius. Distinguished talent is occasionally needed<br>
+to elevate the national taste. How we have outraged theatrical proprieties<br>
+by applauding WALLACK and BOOTH and DAVENPORT!<br>
+FORREST, forget us. FECHTER,<br>
+forgive us.</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<hr>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>Epitaph on a Defunct Boarding-House.</p>
+
+<p>Peace to its Hashes!</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>Apropos of Small-salaried Husbands, who have Extravagant Wives.</p>
+
+<p>"A little earning is a dangerous thing."</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>The Mormon's Motto</p>
+
+<p>Bring 'em Young.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<hr>
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="08.jpg (279K)" src="08.jpg" height="999" width="709">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<hr>
+
+<center>
+<h3>
+JUMBLES.</h3></center>
+
+
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<img alt="09.jpg (115K)" src="09.jpg" height="623" width="407">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+
+</td><td>
+<p>Truth to tell, I <i>don't</i> like neighbors. I <i>do</i> like
+civilization. The trouble is, neighbors are not always civilized.
+PUNCHINELLO will be impressed with the fact before becoming a single
+weekling. The first floor may be ever so nice, quiet, well-dressed, proper
+folks&mdash;but those dreadful musical people in the attic! I hate musical
+people; that is, when in the chrysalis state of learning. Practice makes
+perfect, indeed; but practice also makes a great deal of noise. Noise is
+another of my constitutional dislikes. If these matters must be divided,
+give me the melody, and whoever else will, may take the noise. The truth
+is, my dear PUNCHINELLO&mdash;and I may as well begin calling you what the
+public will do one of these early days&mdash;there is nothing like notes. But
+bank-notes are my weakness. My weakness in that direction is, I may
+confidently state, very strong. The ladies are not the only greenbacks that
+are accepted at sight; and acceptable to it. The bank on which I should
+like to dwell&mdash;do you not guess it?&mdash;is the auriferous National. Those
+musical neighbors-how they do play, though! But, to borrow from Mr. SLANG,
+my queer neighbor opposite, they have about played out. Our gentlemanly
+landlord&mdash;all landlords are so very gentlemanly, kind, good, and
+considerate&mdash;Mr. GRABB, says it don't pay to keep such tenants.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>"Mr. GRABB, pay&mdash;pray, why don't it pay?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, Mr. TODD, why, sir&mdash;because <i>they</i> don't pay. D'ye see it, Mr.<br>
+TODD?"</p>
+
+<p>Mr. TODD did see it.</p>
+
+<p>"Music hath charms," and all that fine thing; but it can't evidently charm<br>
+a landlord, as at present constructed, into the faith that the notes of a<br>
+fiddle, a clarionet, a bugle, or a trombone are negotiable at the corner<br>
+grocery, or in Wall and State streets.</p>
+
+<p>Going from bars to banks is a distance. But when I go anywhere, I like to<br>
+have it distant. The enjoyment is invariably greater. It saves my tailors,<br>
+hatters, restaurant keepers, and some others, the expense and trouble of<br>
+too much correspondence. Such isn't good for the brain&mdash;especially where it<br>
+is small, and easily overtaxed. "Distance lends enchantment to the view."<br>
+May I ask, is or was distance in the brokerage line that it lent<br>
+enchantment to the view? and what might possibly have been the conditions<br>
+on which the loan was made? The man who leaves his country for its (and<br>
+his) good has an especial fondness for the distant. The further off the<br>
+nearer he feels like home. Australia is an El Dorado&mdash;the antipodes a<br>
+celestial region. The intervening sea is one over which the most<br>
+penetrating of argus-eyed policemen or sheriffs, can not see. Australia&mdash;is<br>
+it not the land of gold? Who that has poached a pile does not gravitate<br>
+there, as the needle to the pole? Of course, I do not mean the<br>
+sewing-machine needle.</p>
+
+<p>Some people think California greater. I don't. The greatness of a country<br>
+does not in all cases turn on its great rogues. New-York and Washington may<br>
+not assent; but, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, isn't it so? These may give it character,<br>
+but of the sort nobody is anxious to carry in his pocket as a wedge by<br>
+which to enter good, genteel society. "Character," says a leading mind, "is<br>
+every thing." Quite true; and if of the right sort, will take a man<br>
+speedily to the noose. Biddy can get the most stunning of characters at the<br>
+first corner for half a week's wages or&mdash;stealings. As a general thing, I<br>
+don't believe in characters, and for the reason that a large portion of my<br>
+acquaintances&mdash;I go into society a great deal&mdash;do not appear to have a bit<br>
+of the article. They say it is unnecessary; that "society" don't demand it;<br>
+and that to have it is like travelling with baggage which is mere rubbish.<br>
+My elastic but excellent friend JENKINS says the only sense that can be put<br>
+on society market to practical advantage is the uncommon scamp. Common<br>
+sense, so-called, is a drug. Old Mr. MATTEROFACT&mdash;who heeds him or his?<br>
+He's always pushed into the corner, or crowded to the back seat. Sensible<br>
+people, the world being judges, are a mistake. They were born and educated<br>
+that way. They don't definitely belong anywhere. Trespassers, interlopers,<br>
+impertinents-why should they be tolerated? Doesn't CONGRESSMAN SURFACE, of<br>
+the Forty-fourth District, rule the roast? Isn't Mrs. SIMPLE the pattern<br>
+Woman of the Swell-Front avenue? Who so charming as Widow MILKWATER? Common<br>
+sense might have done once, but that was when the world was younger and yet<br>
+more old-fashioned. It isn't available now. Rust never shines. Out upon it,<br>
+or let it get out. The best place, I would suggest, is out of town&mdash;and in<br>
+the woods. Strangers always make people feel uncomfortable.</p>
+
+<p>Need I hint just now that it is Lent? Lent is suggestive. It suggests some<br>
+of my best books. Books are the best of friends. They are honest. They say<br>
+what they feel, and feel what they say. Like other blessings, too, they<br>
+often take to wings and fly; and it proves to be a fly that never returns.<br>
+A good book is a joy forever. The only sad thing about it is, that it keeps<br>
+lent all the time&mdash;not so much piously as profanely. Am I my brother's<br>
+keeper? No. But my brother is quite too often a keeper of mine&mdash;of mine own<br>
+choice authors. The best of friends are, of course&mdash;like the best of<br>
+steaks&mdash;rather rare. Like honest men they count only one in ten<br>
+thousand&mdash;an extremely small per cent in a commercial point of view.<br>
+Books&mdash;what should we do without them? What may we not do with them, if it<br>
+were not for the season of Lent?</p>
+
+<p>I am something of a politician. My friends do not think I am. But they are<br>
+prejudiced&mdash;friends always are. I go, on principle, for the greatest good<br>
+of the greatest number. You know that humble, initial figure. I confess to<br>
+a love of loaves and fishes. A nice French loaf, and a delicious salmon in<br>
+the suburbs of green peas&mdash;who wouldn't be a politician about that time? I<br>
+have run for office&mdash;and at least half a dozen times. But, bless you, I<br>
+never caught it. Some big, burly, brainless cur of a fellow was always<br>
+ahead of me. Very queer in politics&mdash;the less the head the more one gets<br>
+ahead. A head is little or nothing; but face, cheek, assurance&mdash;such is<br>
+much; is every thing. What are politics but audacity? what professions of<br>
+public good but pretences for private pap? I like politics. Politics,<br>
+however, don't seem to like me. I call myself a patriot; but, strangely<br>
+enough, or otherwise, I have never been called to fill a patriot's<br>
+office&mdash;say for $5000 and upward per year. As for a patriot's grave&mdash;it's a<br>
+fine thing, no doubt, but I have never regarded it as my "mission" to fill<br>
+that. It affects one's activity and usefulness, and cuts off going to<br>
+FECHTER BOOTH, <i>Frou-Frou</i>, the <i>Twelve Temptations</i>, and opera.<br>
+I declined all such honors during the war, and on principle; the principal<br>
+thing being that I had no taste for lead and iron. Iron, I know, is good<br>
+for the blood; but taken in bullets, it lessens instead of increases the<br>
+circulation. These metals are quite too much for a delicate stomach. Shells<br>
+as a drink I like; shells as bombs I do <i>not</i> like. They are<br>
+unhealthy. As a beverage I can surround it several times a day, and bless<br>
+the climate that grows it, and the cask that makes it. But of shells, as of<br>
+company, I prefer to make my choice. I, too, have my choice of office. I am<br>
+strong and can draw well. My <i>forte</i> is drawing salary. That may not<br>
+be the highest form of art, but it is unquestionably artful. Moreover, it<br>
+is the one mankind, if it could, would cultivate with the most assiduity.<br>
+It is the plaster every man would put to his back.</p>
+
+<p>As a politician I believe in myself first, my pocket second, my country<br>
+third. This platform is strong and satisfactory&mdash;at least to your friend,</p>
+
+<p>TIMOTHY TODD.</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+
+<hr>
+<center>
+<h3>ALBANY COCK-ROBINS.</h3></center>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;Who killed the Charter?<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;I, says the <i>Herald</i>,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;With wit <i>&agrave; la</i> JERROLD.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;As Assemblymen I ferruled,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;And I killed the Charter.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;Who killed the Charter?<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;I, says the <i>World</i>,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;With my blunders hurled<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;And black flag unfurled,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;And I killed the Charter.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;Who killed the Charter?<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;I, says the <i>Sun</i>,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;With my sensation fun,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Or my Sol-ferino gun,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;And I killed the Charter.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;Who killed the Charter?<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;I, says PUNCHINELLO,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;With my wit so mellow,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;I was the very fellow<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Who killed off the Charter.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<hr>
+<center>
+<h3>
+THE DWARF DEJECTED.</h3>
+</center>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>
+A pathetic recital for the benefit of you, or me, or any other snail who<br>
+may want a tortoise-shell.</p>
+
+<p>In what year, or under what king Bezoman, lived he, no matter. Suffice it<br>
+to know he still survives.</p>
+
+<p>Once he was happy!</p>
+
+<p>Once, whene'er the eventide flooded the earth with effulgent glory, and<br>
+each little star began to wonder who I was, to the loftiest turret of his<br>
+quite commodious castle this dwarf would climb, and muse upon sciology and<br>
+the cosmic forces.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<img alt="castle.jpg (71K)" src="castle.jpg" height="614" width="405">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+
+</td><td>
+
+<p>"Oh! Life is joy&mdash;is peace to me!" would he cry, ever and anon.</p>
+
+<p>And ever an anonymous owl would scream, "To whoo? To whoo?"</p>
+
+<p>Upon one eventful eve he sat upon his turret.</p>
+
+<p>Gazing around, he sprang upon his feet.</p>
+
+<p>"What, ho!" he cried, as a glimmer of light shot across the surface of the
+lake, "What, ho! A light in the ship-house! Tis the red light of danger! I
+forbode."</p>
+
+<p>Glancing around and beneath him, he perceived that the stucco was peeling
+from his favorite turret. "Here is danger, indeed!" he said; and loudly
+shouted for his ah! too dilatory servant to bring the ladder by which he
+ascended and descended his lofty pinnacle. At last the servant came, and he
+was a new and somewhat weighty waiter youth.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah! big lad&mdash;!" then said the dwarf.</p>
+
+<p>"I am glad, good sir," replied the boy.</p>
+
+<p>"I would have the big ladder!" cried his master.</p>
+
+<p>"I can't be gladder," said the boy.</p>
+
+<p>The dwarf looked pityingly down upon the youth for several moments.</p>
+
+<p>"Are you a natural-born fool?" said he.</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>The boy advanced to the edge of the roof, made a bow, placed one arm at<br>
+right angles before him, while the other hung by his side, and thus he sang<br>
+his song:</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;"I've never been to public school,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;My vaccination did not take.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Perhaps I will grow up a fool;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;But that my heart will never break.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;I would not win in learning's race,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Nor e'er be rich and lose my looks;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;I think that a small-pocked face<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Is worse than e'en small pocket-books.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Then, didy fol, la, la, la, la!&mdash;"</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<br>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>"Stop!" cried the now enraged dwarf. "Begone! ere I, base boy! shall heave<br>
+the turret down."</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly," replied the youth. "Big, ornary, base boy shall leave thee to<br>
+rot down. Oh! yes; of course, of course!" And away he went.</p>
+
+<p>The Court fool came at last and let his master down.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! ho!" said he of the motley, as the dwarf came slowly down the ladder.<br>
+"Thou art now the first descendant of thy house."</p>
+
+<p>The dwarf laughed, and fell the rest of the way. "No matter!" he cried,<br>
+rubbing his shins. "My house shall follow me. It shall come down too. I am<br>
+going to have it all built up anew."</p>
+
+<p>"Bravo!" said the clown. "I thought you were too happy."</p>
+
+<p>On the next day the door-bell of the castle rang, and soon a varlet came to<br>
+fast inform my lord the dwarf that in the parlor waited now a giant, and on<br>
+the card he gave his name was written, "S.T. Mate." The dwarf unto his<br>
+parlor quick repaired, and there, upon some dozen chairs the giant sat,<br>
+smiling benign.</p>
+
+<p>"Hail to thee! good Sir Dwarf," spake the mammoth, and rising and folding<br>
+his arms across his breast, he sang, in royal bass, his song:</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;"I hear that thou, O neighbor brave!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Thy edifice anew would build.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;I come to much vain labor save.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;If thou to hear me now art willed."</p>
+
+<p>"Proceed," said the dwarf, seating himself upon a piano-stool, and screwing
+himself up until he was near the ceiling and on a level with the singer's
+head. The giant proceeded:</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;"If thou shouldst build thy house thyself,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;The cost thou surely ne'er would know;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;But if I take the job, my friend.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;You'll see where every cent will go."</p>
+
+<p>"I like that," said the dwarf. "Pray sing some more."</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;"I'll tell you just what it will cost;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;And all that you will have to do<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Will be to travel for a time,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Whilst I your castle build anew."</p>
+
+<p>"That's capital!" cried the delighted dwarf. "It would suit me exactly.
+Warble me yet other wood notes wild."</p>
+
+
+<p>The giant sang on:</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;"A castle such as you will want<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Will cost you eighty pounds&mdash;or so.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;I'll charge you nothing for my time;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;You'll see where every cent will go."</p>
+
+
+</td><td>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<img alt="10.jpg (112K)" src="10.jpg" height="789" width="370">
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+
+
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>The dwarf revolved himself rapidly, and quickly reached the floor.</p>
+
+<p>"The concert's over!" he cried, "and here's a check for eighty pounds.<br>
+Proceed! Tear down; construct! I leave tonight for foreign parts. Write me<br>
+when all is done. Adieu."</p>
+
+<p>The interview terminated.</p>
+
+<p>The clown, who had overheard this fair discourse, now left the castle; and<br>
+retiring to a secluded spot, where&mdash;a willow drooped sadly o'er the brook,<br>
+he laid him down and died.</p>
+
+<p>The dwarf to foreign parts now hied, and when twelve months had passed, and<br>
+he had had no news of his grand castle, he returned home.</p>
+
+<p>He found the castle finished&mdash;all but the roof and walls. The deep cellars,<br>
+with their marble copings just peeping 'neath the heavy mass of weeds that<br>
+clustered to their very edge, were dark and solemn. The sly fox slunk along<br>
+their passages, and grim serpents reared their heads from many a gloomy<br>
+corner.</p>
+
+<p>The dwarf, he gazed in silence!</p>
+
+<p>By heavy sighs his breast was heaven, and black thoughts made his soul like<br>
+Hades!</p>
+
+<p>Anon he mounted in hot haste, and rode unto the giant's castle on the<br>
+distant hills. By sundown, the dwarf he saw on the horizon a great blue<br>
+mass, the sight of which did move his inmost being.</p>
+
+<p>"It is his castle!" quoth he, and he gave his steed free rein.</p>
+
+<p>The interview was terrible!</p>
+
+<p>All the domestics fled and hid themselves in distant dells.</p>
+
+<p>At last the dwarf, exhausted by vituperation, sank upon the flagstones of<br>
+the court-yard. Then folded the giant his arms and sang his song:</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<br>
+
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;"Oh! hear me now, misguided dwarf,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Eight thousand pound more I must ask.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Materials, and labor too,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;All rose since I began my task.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;Among the things we can't divine.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Are values of such terms as 'so;'<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;But I've all items entered straight,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Where all the money goes you'll know."</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<br>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>The dwarf gave one quick savage glance at the pocket of the giant, S.T.<br>
+MATE, and then, without a word, he proudly crossed the drawbridge.</p>
+
+<p>But he had not long left the castle at his back ere dejection crept upon<br>
+him and never left him more.</p>
+
+<p>The dwarf he did his cellar reach, fainting, almost bereft of speech; and<br>
+as his men he staggered by, with panting breast and haggard eye,</p>
+
+<p>"Minstrel!" he cried, "O laggard! I for deepest depths of Lethe long. Get<br>
+thy guitar and sing a song!"</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<br>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>The minstrel sang:</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;"O Estimate!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Thy name is great,<br>
+MEDUSA's head thou sure must own.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Do as we will,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Thy coming still<br>
+Turns all our hard-earned cash to stone."</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<br>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>The dwarf, now sunk in Lethe's mud, did snore; knowing the sign, the<br>
+minstrel then forbore.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="11.jpg (200K)" src="11.jpg" height="595" width="921">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+<hr>
+<br>
+<center>
+<h3>
+ODE TO THE MISSING COLLECTOR.</h3>
+
+<h4>BY REGALIA REYNA.</h4></center>
+<br>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Where are <i>you now</i>, MR. BAILEY?<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;We've been looking for you daily,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Sometimes sadly, sometimes gayly,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Ever since the week begun.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Loving you so dear as we do,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Doting on you, doubting for you,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Looking for you, longing for you,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Waiting for you, watching for you,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Fearing you have cut and run,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Ere your heavy task was done<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;In cigars, and snuff, and rum;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Spoiling for us lots of fun,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;And racy items for <i>The Sun</i>,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;In the seizure rows begun,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;And the heavy raids to come.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Think of poor, forsaken KIRBY,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Think of honest-scented HARVEY!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Your desertion, J. F. BAILEY,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"Busts" our glorious Trinity;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Robs the law of subtlety,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Knocks our look for <i>moietie</i>,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Knocks that Jersey property!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;So much whisky all set free:<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Where is SHIELDS to get his fee?<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Think of melancholy PUFFER,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;What the aged CHILDS must suffer!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;JOSHUA F., the noble buffer,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"Lost to sight, to memory dear,"<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Think of energetic VAIL<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Looking round to get his bail,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;While you're riding on a rail,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Or on ocean gayly sail<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;For UNCLE BULL'S dominion!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;How could you thus fly the track<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;With so many stores to "crack,"<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;And COLUMBUS at your back<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;To defy the whiskey pack<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;And popular opinion?<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Whiskey "fellers" feeling badly,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Cigar-sellers smoking madly,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Bondsmen looking sorely, sadly,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;If their signatures are clear,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;If you will not cost them dear,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;If in court they must appear<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Mournfully, in doubt and fear.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Oh! you weak, unfeeling cuss,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;To get them in this shocking muss;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;How their pocket-books will rue it!<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;J.F.B., how <i>could</i> you do it?<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Are you putting for the West,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Did you take French leave for Brest,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Have you feathered well your nest,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Do you sweetly take your rest;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Say, whom <i>do</i> you like the best&mdash;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;COOK, or JENKS, or FULLERTON?<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Would you, JOSH, believe it true,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;At the moment, sir, when you<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Waited for that verdict blue,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;O'er the wires the message flew,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Paid or franked by BOUTWELL through:<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;"The gig is up; the cuss won't do.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Put the district Thirty-two<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Under General PLEASANTON."<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Oh! the vile ingratitude;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Of Statesmen in this latitude;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Worse than DELANO'S attitude.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;Say, what is your longitude,<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;East or West from Washington?</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<hr>
+
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>"Fox"-y.</p>
+
+<p>FECHTER'S wig in HAMLET.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>"Echoes of the Clubs."</p>
+
+<p>SOUND of the policemen's <i>batons</i> on the sidewalk.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>Over and Under.</p>
+
+<p>INDIANA is said to be "going over" her divorce laws. She has certainly gone<br>
+long enough under them.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>Our Bullet-in.</p>
+
+<p>THE government has so many bad guns on hand that it deserves to be called,<br>
+"A snapper-up of unconsidered Rifles."</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>Every Little Helps.</p>
+
+<p>THE British newspapers say that ARTHUR HELPS writes the PRINCE OF WALES'S<br>
+speeches. Now, if ARTHUR HELPS the Prince, who helps ARTHUR?</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<hr>
+<br><br>
+
+<center>
+<img alt="12.jpg (103K)" src="12.jpg" height="578" width="471">
+</center>
+<br>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>Mr. DRAKE, who has been studying elocution under a graduate of the Old<br>
+Bowery, and has acquired a most tragic croak, which, with a little rouge<br>
+and burnt cork, and haggard hair, gives him a truly awful aspect, remarked<br>
+that the soil of the South was clotted with blood by fiends in human shape,<br>
+(sensation in the diplomatic gallery.) The metaphor might be meaningless;<br>
+but it struck him it was strong. These fiends were doubly protected by<br>
+midnight and the mask. In his own State the Ku-Klux ranged together with<br>
+the fierce whang-doodle. His own life had been threatened. (Faint<br>
+applause.) He had received an express package marked in large letters,<br>
+"D.H." The President of the United States, an expert in express packages,<br>
+had told him this meant "Dead Head." Was this right? Hah! Bellud!! Gore was<br>
+henceforth his little game. He would die in his seat. (Great cheering,<br>
+which rendered the remainder of the senator's remarks inaudible.)</p>
+
+<p>The case of the admission of General AMES as a senator from Mississippi<br>
+came up. Senator CONKLING said that he had no objection to AMES in<br>
+particular; but in Brigadier-General, he considered the principle of<br>
+letting in men who elected themselves to be bad. Notoriously, General AMES<br>
+did not live in Mississippi. He considered this rather creditable to<br>
+General AMES'S good sense than otherwise. But did it not operate as a<br>
+trivial disqualification against his coming here to represent Mississippi?<br>
+Besides, if generals were allowed to elect themselves, where would it end?<br>
+General AUGUR, he believed, commanded the Indian district. He would send<br>
+himself to the Senate from that region, and be howling about the Piegan<br>
+massacre and such outrages upon his constituents, with which the Senate had<br>
+been sickened already. In that case AUGUR, he grieved to say, would be a<br>
+Bore. Then there is CANBY, who commands in Virginia. CANBY would like to be<br>
+a senator, no doubt, like other people who never tried it; and he will be<br>
+if he CANBY. A distinguished friend of his in the other house, whom it<br>
+would be detrimental to the public service for him to name, if this<br>
+military representation were to be recognized, instead of sitting for a<br>
+district in Massachusetts, would represent Dutch Gap. They had already, in<br>
+his friend from Missouri, a representative of the German Flats; and he<br>
+submitted that a member from Dutch Gap would be two tonic for the body<br>
+politic.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. HOWARD was in favor of the admission of AMES. He considered the<br>
+arguments of the last speaker paltry, and his puns beneath contempt. What<br>
+difference did it make whether AMES represented Mississippi or not?<br>
+Mississippi was disloyal, and didn't deserve to have any representative.<br>
+AMES was a good fellow, and a good officer. Besides, he had been through<br>
+West-Point and knew something. He understood he played a very fair game of<br>
+billiards, and he would be an ornament to the Senate. Let us let him in.<br>
+The Senate had already let in REVELS, who had been sent by AMES; and it was<br>
+absurd to keep out AMES, who was the master of the REVELS. He considered<br>
+that, in the language of a manly sport with which senators were familiar,<br>
+he "saw" Senator CONKLING'S puns, and went several better, though he did<br>
+not wish to be considered a better himself.</p>
+
+<p>All this time, singular to say, Senator SUMNER remained silent.</p>
+
+<p>
+HOUSE.</p>
+
+<p>
+The House had a little amusement over polygamy in Utah. That institution<br>
+shocks Mr. WARD, of New-York, and naturally also Mr. BUTLER, of<br>
+Massachusetts. Mr. WARD was astonished to see any member standing up in<br>
+defence of polygamy in the nineteenth century. If some member should stand<br>
+up in any other century and defend it, it would not astonish him at all. It<br>
+was sheer inhumanity to refuse to come to the rescue of our suffering<br>
+brethren in Utah. How a man who had one wife could consent to see fellow-<br>
+creatures writhing under the infliction of two or three each, was what, Mr.<br>
+WARD remarked, got over him. Mr. BUTLER pointed out how much money the<br>
+Mormons had made.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Cox did not see why we should interfere by force to prevent a man's<br>
+marrying as many wives as he chose. Such a man was his own worst enemy; and<br>
+his crime carried its own punishment.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. HOOPER, of Utah, said the bill was an outrage. By all the wives that he<br>
+held most sacred, he felt impelled to resent it. MOSES was a polygamist;<br>
+hence his meekness. If this sort of thing was continued, no man's wives<br>
+would be safe. His own partners would be torn from him, and turned out upon<br>
+the world. He scorned to select from among them. Take all or none.</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<hr>
+<center><h3>
+THE MARRIAGE MARKET IN ROME.</h3></center>
+
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>
+The business of catching impecunious counts, of magnetizing bankrupt<br>
+marquises, and of plucking penniless princes, as practised by American<br>
+women, appears to absorb all the attention in Rome at present. The rage for<br>
+titles is said to be so great among some classes of Americans resident in<br>
+the Holy City, that the only song one hears at evening parties and<br>
+receptions is the one commencing,</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;"When I can read my title clear."</p>
+
+<p>We should not be surprised any day to hear that a marriage market had been<br>
+opened on one of the plazas of Rome, the quotations of which would read<br>
+something after this fashion: Husbands dull and declining; American<br>
+beauties more active; foreign mammas less firm; American securities in<br>
+great demand; the market in princes somewhat stronger; holders of titles<br>
+much sought after; brains without money a drug in the market; "bogus"<br>
+counts at a discount; the genealogy market panicky and falling; the stock<br>
+of nobility rapidly depreciating; the pedigree exchange market flat and<br>
+declining, etc., etc. This traffic in titles, this barter in dowries, this<br>
+swapping of "blood" for dollars, is an offense too rank for words to embody<br>
+it. The trade in cadetships is mild in comparison with it, because in these<br>
+commercial transactions with counts, while one party may be the purchaser,<br>
+both parties are inevitably seen to be sold. The business may only be<br>
+excusable on the theory that "an even exchange is no robbery." But so long<br>
+as brains are not bartered for a title, or beauty sacrificed for a<br>
+pedigree, we should not complain. Of money, there is plenty in America;<br>
+and, while marquises are in the market, let Shoddy continue to pipe for its<br>
+own. A fig for Macbeth's philosophy that "blood will have blood." We modify<br>
+it in these degenerate days to "blood will have money:"</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;"Maidens, like moths, are ever caught by glare;<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;And Mammon wins his way where Seraphs might despair."</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<hr>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;"The Lay of the Last Minstrel."</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;"SHOO FLY, don't bodder me."</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>"Benedict's Time."</p>
+
+<p>THE honeymoon.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>Homoeopathic Cure for Hydrophobia.</p>
+
+<p>BARK.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>Ode to my Washerwoman.</p>
+
+<p>$2 50.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<br><br>
+
+
+<center>
+<img alt="advert2.jpg (217K)" src="advert2.jpg" height="1132" width="757">
+</center>
+
+
+<hr>
+<center>
+<img alt="13.jpg (136K)" src="13.jpg" height="769" width="601">
+</center>
+
+<hr>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<p>Harper's Periodicals.</p>
+
+<p>Magazine. Weekly. Bazar.</p>
+
+<p><i>Subscription Price, $4 per year each. $10 for the three.</i></p>
+
+<p>An Extra Copy of either the MAGAZINE, WEEKLY, or BAZAR will be supplied<br>
+gratis for every Club of Five Subscribers at $4 each, in one remittance;<br>
+or, Six Copies for $20.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>HARPER'S CATALOGUE</p>
+
+<p>May be obtained gratuitously on application to Harper &amp; Brothers<br>
+personally, or by letter, inclosing six cents in postage-stamps.</p>
+
+<p><i>HARPER &amp; BROTHERS, New-York</i>.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>HENRY L. STEPHENS,</p>
+
+<p>
+ARTIST,</p>
+
+<p>
+No. 160 Fulton Street,</p>
+
+<p>
+NEW-YORK.</p>
+
+<p>
+Important to Newsdealers!</p>
+
+<p>
+ALL ORDERS FOR</p>
+
+<p>
+PUNCHINELLO</p>
+
+<p>
+Will be supplied by</p>
+
+<p>
+OUR SOLE ANB EXCLUSIVE AGENTS,</p>
+
+<p>
+American News Co.</p>
+
+<p>
+NEW-YORK.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>PUNCHINELLO:</p>
+
+<p>
+TERMS TO CLUBS.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS</p>
+
+<p>
+FIRST:</p>
+
+<p>
+<i>DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER</i>,</p>
+
+<p>The most complete and desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning<br>
+purposes.</p>
+
+<p>
+SECOND:</p>
+
+<p>
+<i>BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES</i>.</p>
+
+<p>
+These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful;<br>
+and every lady should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind of<br>
+crochet or fancy work upon them.</p>
+
+<p>
+THIRD:</p>
+
+<p><i>BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER</i>.</p>
+
+<p>This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It knits every<br>
+thing.</p>
+
+<p>
+FOURTH:</p>
+
+<p><i>AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE</i>.</p>
+
+<p>This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on all<br>
+former machines. No. 1, with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and Cover,<br>
+complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole parts,<br>
+etc., price, $60.</p>
+
+<p>
+WE WILL SEND THE</p>
+
+<p>Family Spinner, &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;price, $8, for 4 subscribers and $16.<br>
+No. 1 Crochet, &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;price, &nbsp;8, for 4 subscribers and 16.<br>
+No. 2 Crochet, &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;price, 15, for 6 subscribers and 24.<br>
+No. 1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles, &nbsp;price, 30, for 12 subscribers and 48.<br>
+No. 2 Automatic Knitter, 84 needles, &nbsp;price, 33, for 13 subscribers and 52.<br>
+No. 3 Automatic Knitter, 100 needles, price, 37, for 15 subscribers and 60.<br>
+No. 4 Automatic Knitter, 2 cylinders }<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;1 72 needles}price, 40, for 16 subscribers and 64.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;1 100 needles}</p>
+
+<p>No. 1 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, price, $75, for 30<br>
+subscribers and &pound;120.<br>
+No. 2 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, without buttonhole<br>
+parts, etc. price, 60, for 25 subscribers and 100.</p>
+
+<p>
+Descriptive Circulars</p>
+
+<p>
+Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and<br>
+full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers.</p>
+
+<p>Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct<br>
+seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers<br>
+and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send<br>
+single names as they obtain they them, deducting the commission.</p>
+
+<p>Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts on<br>
+New-York City; or if these can not be obtained, then by Registered Letters,<br>
+which any post-master will furnish. Charges on money sent by express must<br>
+be prepaid, or the net amount only will be credited.</p>
+
+<p>Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit to prevent<br>
+error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and State.</p>
+
+<p>The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable quarterly<br>
+in advance, at the place where it was received. Subscribers in the British<br>
+Provinces will remit twenty cents in addition to subscription.</p>
+
+<p>All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to</p>
+
+<p>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY P. O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street,<br>
+NEW-YORK</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 2, April 9,
+1870, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, V1, N2 ***
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+</pre>
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+</body>
+</html>
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