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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/9544-8.txt b/9544-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..abf8a98 --- /dev/null +++ b/9544-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2399 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, Issue 10, Saturday, +June 4, 1870, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, Issue 10, Saturday, June 4, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Posting Date: January 18, 2013 [EBook #9544] +Release Date: December, 2005 +First Posted: October 7, 2003 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, JUNE 4, 1870 *** + + + + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra Brown, and Project +Gutenberg Distributed Proofreaders from material generously +made available by Cornell University + + + + + + + + + + + +PUNCHINELLO, Vol. I, Issue 10 + +SATURDAY, JUNE 4, 1870. + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK. + + + + + +[Illustration: Vol. I. No. 10.] + + + + + + +CONANT'S + +_PATENT BINDERS_ + +FOR + +"PUNCHINELLO," + +to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent, post-paid, on receipt +of One Dollar, by + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +83 Nassau Street, New York City. + + * * * * * + +TO NEWS-DEALERS. + +PUNCHINELLO'S MONTHLY. + +THE FIVE NUMBERS FOR APRIL, + +Bound in a Handsome Cover, + +IS NOW READY. Price, Fifty Cents. + +THE TRADE + +SUPPLIED BY THE + +AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, + +Who are now prepared to receive Orders. + + * * * * * + +HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S + +STEEL PENS. + +These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper +than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is called +to the following grades, as being better suited for business purposes +than any Pen manufactured. The + +"505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," + +We recommend for bank and office use. + +D. APPLETON & CO., + +_Sole Agents for United States_. + + * * * * * + +[Sidenote: See 15th page for Extra Premiums.] + + * * * * * + +_Will Shortly appear: Our New Serial, written expressly for +Punchinello, +by ORPHEUS C. KERR, Entitled, "The Mystery of Mr. E. Drood." To be +continued weekly during this year._ + + +APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN + +"PUNCHINELLO" + +Should be addressed to + +J. NICKINSON, + +Room No. 4, + +83 NASSAU STREET. + + * * * * * + +Notice to Ladies. + +DIBBLEE, + +Of 854 Broadway, + +Has just received a large assortment of all the latest styles of + +Chignons, Chatelaines, etc. + +FROM PARIS. + +Comprising the following beautiful varieties: + +La Coquette, La Plenitude, Le Bouquet, + +La Sirene, L'Imperatrice etc., + +At prices varying from $2 upward. + + * * * * * + +PHELAN & COLLENDER, + +MANUFACTURERS OF + +Standard American Billiard Tables. + +WAREROOMS AND OFFICE, + +738 BROADWAY, NEW-YORK. + + * * * * * + +NEW-YORK CITIZEN + +AND + +ROUND TABLE, + +A Literary, Political, and Sporting paper, with + +the best writers in each department. Published every Saturday. + +PRICE--Ten Cents. + +32 Beckman Street. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: [Hercules with club and Apple of the Hesperides] +COPYRIGHT SECURED.] + +HERCULES MUTUAL +LIFE ASSURANCE +SOCIETY +OF THE UNITED STATES. + +No. 240 Broadway, New-York. + +POLICIES NON-FORFEITABLE. + +All Policies + +Entitled to Participation in Profits. + +Dividends Declared Annually. + + +JAMES D. REYMERT, President. + +ASHER S. MILLS, +Secretary. + +THOMAS H. WHITE, M.D., +Medical Examiner. + +ACTIVE AGENTS WANTED. + + * * * * * + +THE +MERCHANTS +Life Insurance Company +OF NEW-YORK. + +OFFICE, 257 BROADWAY, + +ORGANIZED UNDER THE LAWS OF THE STATE OF NEW-YORK. + +Issues all kinds of Life and Endowment Policies on the Mutual System, free +from restriction on travel and occupation, which permit residence +anywhere without extra charge. + +Premiums may be paid annually, semi-annually, or quarterly in cash. + +All Policies are non-forfeitable, and participate in the profits of the +Company. + +Dividends are made annually, on the Contribution plan. + +Pamphlets containing Rates of Premium, and information on the subject of +Life Insurance, may be obtained at the office of the Company, or any of +its Agents. + +Parties desiring to represent this Company in the capacity of Agents +will please address the New-York Office. + + +WILLIAM T. PHIPPS + +_President_. + +A.D. HOLLY, _Secretary_. + +HENRY HILTON, _Counsel_. + +O.S. PAINE, M. D. _Medical Examiner_ + +C.H. KING, M.D. _Asst. Med Ex._ + + +_Each Agent in direct communication with the New-York Office._ + + * * * * * + +Mercantile Library + +Clinton Hall, Astor Place, + +NEW-YORK. + + +This is now the largest circulating Library in America, the number of +volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 volumes are added each +month; and very large purchases are made of all new and popular works. + +Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each delivery. + + +TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP: + +TO CLERKS, + +$1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues. + +TO OTHERS, $5 a year. + +SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR + +SIX MONTHS. + + +BRANCH OFFICES + +AT + +NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK, + +AND AT + +Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth. + + * * * * * + +AMERICAN + +BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, + +AND + +SEWING-MACHINE CO., + +572 and 574 Broadway, New-York. + + +This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on +all the former machines, making, in addition to all work done on best +Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful + +BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES, + +in all fabrics. + +Machine, with finely finished + +OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER + +complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts, $50. This last +is beyond all question the simplest, easiest to manage and to keep in +order, of any machine in the market. Machines warranted, and full +instruction given to purchasers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HENRY SPEAR. PRINTER-LITHOGRAPHER STATIONER +BLANK BOOK MANUFACTURER. 82 WALL ST. NEW YORK.] + + * * * * * + +J. NICKINSON + +begs to announce to the friends of + +"PUNCHINELLO" + +residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has +Made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of + +ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED. + +the same will be forwarded, postage paid. + +Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing Houses +can have the same forwarded by inclosing two stamps. + +OFFICE OF + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. + +83 Nassau Street, + +[P.O. Box 2783.] + + * * * * * + +[ILLUSTRATION: WHAT WE MAY CONFIDENTLY LOOK FOR. + +_Jurywoman_. "I BEG TO INTERRUPT THE COURT WITH THE REQUEST THAT, BEFORE +THE CASE PROCEEDS ANY FURTHER, THE SHERIFF BE DIRECTED TO PROVIDE THE +JURYMAN ON MY RIGHT WITH A BOTTLE OF LURIN'S EXTRACT, OTHERWISE THE +FEMALE MEMBERS OF THE JURY WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE +CONSEQUENCES," etc., etc.] + + * * * * * + +A CONSISTENT LEAGUE. + +Immediately upon McFarland's acquittal, the Union League of Philadelphia +determined to give a grand ball. And they did it. And, what is more, +they intend to do it every time the majesty of any kind of Union is +vindicated. Except, of course, the union of the "Iron interest" and the +public good. + +One of the most valuable and instructive features of this ball was, the +grand opportunity it offered to the members of the League to show their +respect and affection for the spirit of the Fifteenth Amendment, +Accordingly, they invited a large number of colored ladies and +gentlemen, and the accursed spirit of caste was completely exorcised by +the exercises of the evening. The halls were grandly decorated with +blackberry and gooseberry bushes, and other rare plants; sumptuous +fountains squirted high great streams of XX ale and gin-and-milk; +enormous piles of panned oysters, lobster salad, Charlotte Russe, and +rice-pudding blocked up half the doorways, while within the dancing hall +the merriment was kept up grandly. The ball was opened by a grand +Cross-match waltz in which Hon. MORTON MCMICHAEL and Mrs. DINAH J--N; +GEORGE H. BOKER and Miss CHLOE P--T--N; WILLIAM D. KELLEY and Aunty Di. +LU-V-I-A-N; A. BORIE and Miss E. G--N; Gen. TYNDALE and Miss MAY OR--TY, +and several other distinguished couples twirled their fantastic toes in +the most reckless _abandon_. Virginia reels, Ole Kentucky break-downs, +and other characteristic dances diversified the ordinary Terpsichorean +programme, and the dancing was kept up to a late hour. It was truly +gratifying to every consistent supporter of the enfranchisement of the +African race, to see such gentlemen as _Senator_ REVELS, FREDERICK +DOUGLASS, Mr. PURVIS, and other prominent colored citizens, in the halls +of this patriotic and thoroughly American Society. The members of the +League were evidently of the opinion that it would be a most flagrant +shame, on an occasion of this kind, for them to deny to their colored +fellow citizens the rights and privileges that they are so anxious shall +be accorded them by every one else; and, while they do not believe that +they are bound to invite any one--black or white--to their private +reunions on account of political considerations, they do not attempt to +deny that, on an occasion of this kind--a celebration in fact of the +success of a political party--it would be most shameful to ostracize the +very citizens for whom that party labored and conquered. Therefore it +was that they so warmly welcomed, within their gorgeous halls, their +colored fellow-citizens, and by so doing won for themselves the +approbation of every consistent American. It was one of the most +affecting sights of the evening to see these gentlemen of the League, +nobly trampling under their feet all base considerations of color and +caste, and walking arm and arm with their colored sisters; smelling the +exotics; admiring the groups of statuary; sipping the coffee and the +punch; pricing the crimson curtains; inhaling the perfumes from the +cologne-water fountains; ascending and descending the grand walnut +staircase (arranged for this occasion only); listening to the birds in +the conservatories; and fixing their hair in the magnificent +dressing-rooms. When, in the midst of the festivities the band struck up +the beautiful air, "Ask me no more!" the honored guests of color looked +at each other with pleasant smiles which seemed to denote a perfect +satisfaction. And so, whatever may be said of the friends of the colored +race in other parts of the country, it must be universally admitted that +the Union League of Philadelphia has done its duty! + + * * * * * + +Good Reading for Topers. + +MR. GREELEY's "Recollections of a Boozy Life." + + * * * * * + +Sporting Intelligence. + +A NEWSPAPER item says that "a Mexican offers to shoot JUAREZ for $200." + +That's nothing. TAYLOR, of Jersey City, offers to shoot any man in the +world for $2000. + + * * * * * + +The Favorite Drink of the Canadian Government. + +CABINET Whiskey. + + * * * * * + +Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District +Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New-York. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE.] + +The public still labor under misapprehensions of our character and +calling. We are in daily receipt of letters of the most heterogeneous +description, the task of answering which we are compelled to utterly +forego. + +We subjoin a few specimens: + +"MR. PUNCHINELLO. _Dear Sir_: My wife died yesterday, and would you be +so kind as to come and make her will? I would not give you the trouble +of coming, but the young woman I intend to marry next is going away +to-morrow, and I don't want to leave home. My wife had five hundred +dollars which I want left to me, and a feather bed, which you may divide +amongst the children. + +"Yours in affliction, + +"SOLOMON SNIPP." + + +"SIR: I calculate to give a funeral down at my place shortly, that is, +if things go right; but we have no preacher to do the work. Would you +please to send us one? Not particular what kind, so long as the work is +_sure_. Party is not dead yet, but I make arrangements beforehand as I +expect to be insane. Good pay for good work. + +"Sincerely, + +"P. MCFINIGAN. + +"P. S. Do preachers warrant their burials?" + + +"DEAR MR. PUNCHINELLO:--You were so good as to prescribe a hot pitch +plaster for the baby's mouth. Next day I took the prescription to your +office, but failed to get it made up, as the devil, they told me, was +busy. Will you please inform me when you will be at leisure? Meanwhile +baby yells. + +"Yours truly, + +"C. PUGSBY. + +"P.S. _Later_. Mrs. PUGSBY says if I apply that plaster she will go +insane. True, she does not understand fire-arms, but then I should be +afraid to drink any coffee for a month. In the meantime, if the baby +keeps on, I shall go crazy myself; so there is likely to be a casualty +somewhere. What's to be done? Shall I bring the child to you? + +"C. P." + + +_Answer_. At your peril. Go crazy and shoot it; then we will go crazy +and turn counsel for the defence. The result will probably be that you +are handed over to the ladies to be kissed into reason; but if you would +rather be hung, you must do the shooting over in New-Jersey. + + * * * * * + +"BEAUTIFUL SNOW." + +Circumstances having rendered it probable that the dispute respecting +the authorship of the poem "Beautiful Snow" may shortly be revived, +PUNCHINELLO takes this opportunity of setting the public right on the +subject, and silencing further controversy regarding it for ever. + +It is the production of Mr. PUNCHINELLO, himself; was composed by him so +long ago as July, 1780, and copyrighted in August of the same year. It +may be asked how the idea of snow-flakes happened to occur to him in +July. That question is easily settled. The day was sultry; thermometer +98° in the arbor. Drowsed by the sultry air--not to mention the iced +claret--Mr. PUNCHINELLO posed himself gracefully upon a rustic bench, +and slept. Presently the lovely lady who was fanning him, fascinated by +the trumpet tones that preceded from his nose, exclaimed: "Beautiful +Snore!" This was repeated to him when he awoke, and hence the origin of +the poem. + + * * * * * + +Fish Culture. + +The Grand Duke ALEXIS, of Russia, proposes to come to these shores and +inspect the American system of fish culture. With this end in view, he +will, of course, be the particular guest of Gen. GRANT, and will, no +doubt, be surprised to find that our principal FISH is a cultivated man. +But he will better understand our FISH system by witnessing its +operations in Spanish and Canadian waters, as also in those of Sault St. +Marie. + + * * * * * + +Linsey-Woolsey. + +The regular troops for the Canadian Red River Expedition have been +supplied by Gen. LINDSEY, and are commanded by Col. WOLSLEY--a fact +oddly co-incidental with the reported flimsy character of the +expedition, so far as it has gone. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TOO TRUE! Scene-Academy. Time-Spring of 70. Miss Smith. +"WHAT DOES 'N.A.' MEAN AFTER SOME OF THESE ARTISTS' NAMES?" Miss Brown. +"N.A. WHY IT MUST MEAN 'NEEDY ARTISTS.' POOR FELLOWS!"] + + * * * * * + +Bivalvulor Intelligence. + +It is stated that the clams along the Stratford shore are dying by +thousands of a malignant disease, which a correspondent of the +Bridgeport _Standard_ calls "clam cholera." This is a sad c'lamity for +the people of the Stratford shore. + + * * * * * + +The Fifteenth Amendment. + +The appointment of colored postmasters in Maryland may be all very well; +but PUNCHINELLO would like to know whether the Post-office authorities +intend to revive the custom of Blackmailing. + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +[Illustration: C] + +Comedy personified, in Mr. CLARKE, has now reigned at BOOTH'S for nearly +six weeks. During that time there has been a perceptible change in the +metaphorical atmosphere of the house. The audience no longer wears the +look of subdued melancholy which was once involuntarily assumed by each +mourner for the memory of SHAKSPEARE, who passed the solemn threshold. +The ushers no longer find it necessary to sustain their depressed +spirits by the surreptitious chewing of the quid of consolation, and are +now the most pleasant, as they were always the most courteous, of their +kind. Persons have even been heard, within the past week, to allude to +BOOTH'S as a "theatre," instead of a "temple of art;" and though the +convulsions of nature which attend the shifting of the scenery, and +cause castles to be violently thrown up by volcanic eruptions and +forests to be suddenly swallowed by gaping earthquakes, impart a certain +solemnity to the brightest of comedies, still there is a general +impression among the audience that BOOTH'S has become a place of +amusement. And in noting this change PUNCHINELLO does not mean to jeer +at the former and normal character of BOOTH'S. BEETHOVEN'S Seventh +Symphony, DANTE'S Inferno, JEFFERSON'S Rip Van Winkle, and EDWIN BOOTH'S +Hamlet are not amusing, but it does not follow that they are therefore +unworthy of the attention of the public, which is pleased with the +rattle of De Boots, and tickled with the straw of Toodles. + +FOX vs. GOOSE is a three act comedy in which Mr. CLARKE last week made +his audience laugh as freely as though the tomb-stones of all the +Capulets were not gleaming white and awful in the lamplight of the +property-room; or, at all events, would be gleaming if any body were to +hunt them up with a practicable lantern. The opening scene is the +tap-room of an inn, where Mr. FOX FOWLER, an adventurer, is taking his +ease and his unpaid-for gin-and-milk. + +_Enter Landlord, presenting his bill_. "Here, sir, you've been drinking +my beer for several years, and now I want you to pay for it." + +_Fox_. "My friend! why ask me to pay bills? Do you not perceive that I +wear a velvet coat? And, besides, even if I wanted to pay I could not +until my baggage, which I gave to an expressman ten years ago, shall +reach me. It will probably arrive in a month or two more." + +_Landlord_. "Here comes Sir GANDER GOSLING. I'll complain to him of your +conduct." + +(_Enter Sir Gander_.) + +_Fox_. "My dear Sir GANDER. Allow me to embrace you." + +_Sir Gander_. "I don't know you. I'm not my son JACK." + +_Fox_. "But I am Jack's dearest friend. I have saved him from drowning, +from matrimony, from reading the _Nation,_ from mothers-in-law, and all +other calamities mentioned in the litany." + +_Sir Gander_. "Describe him to me, if you know him so well." + +_Fox_. "He is tall, dark, slender, and quiet in manner." + +_Sir Gander_. "My dear fellow he is short, fat, light, and noisy. I am +convinced that you know him. Permit me to pay your bill, lend you money, +and tell you all about our dear JACK'S intended marriage." (_He pays, +lends, and narrates accordingly. A terrific rattling of dishpans +simulates the arrival of a train. Sir_ GANDER _departs and_ JACK GOSLING +_enters._) + +_Fox_. "My dear JACK, allow me to embrace you." + +_Jack_. "I don't know you. I'm not my father." + +_Fox_. "But I am your father's dearest friend. Sit down and have a +bottle of wine, and tell me all about ROSE MANDRAKE, your intends bride. +'Rose! Rose! the coal black Rose!' as MILTON finely remarks." (_They sit +down and_ JACK _immediately gets very drunk, thereby affording another +proof of the horribly adulterated condition of the liquor used on the +stage, which infallibly intoxicates an actor within two minutes after it +is imbibed. [Let the Excise authorities see to this matter.] Finally_ +JACK _falls, and the curtain immediately follows his example.) + +Critical Young Man, who reads all the theatrical "notices" in the Herald +in the leisure moments when he is not selling yards of tape and ribbon_. +"I don't think much of CLARKE. He ain't half the man that NED FORREST +is. There ain't a bit of spontanatious humor in him. Them San Francisco +Minstrels can beat him out of sight." + +_Accompanying Young Female Person_. "Yes, I think so, too. I hate to see +a man act drunk. It's so low and vulgar. I like pretty plays, like they +have at WALLACK'S." + +_Respectable Old Gentleman_. "PLACIDE--BLAKE--BURTON--" + +_Every Body Else_. "Well, this is real humor; I haven't laughed so much +since I heard BEECHER preach a funeral sermon." + +The second act takes place in the house of Major MANDRAKE. Fox has +successfully assumed the character of JACK GOSLING, and is having a +pleasant chat with the family, when the gardener enters to inform the +Major that a flock of crows is in sight. + +_Major Mandrake_. "I love the pleasures of the chase. Bring my gun, and +I will shoot the crows." (_He goes out, and shoots_ JACK, _who is +climbing over the gate. Re-enter Major and men carrying_ JACK.) + +_Major_. "Alas! I have missed the crow over the cornfield, and lost the +crow over my shooting which I would otherwise have had. Also I have shot +a man out of season, and the sportsmen's club will prosecute me." + +_Jack_. "I am not dead, though my appearance and conversation might +induce you to think so. My name is JACK GOSLING. The chap in the velvet +coat is an impostor." + +_Major, Fox, and other dramatis persons_. "Away with the wretch! He +himself is the impostor. Call a policeman who will club him if he makes +no resistance." + +JACK is dragged away, but perpetually returns and denounces his rival. +He is bitten by suppositious dogs cunningly simulated by stage +carpenters, who remark "bow wow" from behind the scenes. He is cut by +ROSE MANDRAKE, and also by rows of broken bottles, which line the top of +the wall on which he makes a perilous perch, not having a pole or rod +with which to defend himself against the dogs. He is challenged by Fox +and seconded by Miss BLANCHE BE BAR in naval uniform. Finally he takes +refuge in the china closet, and hurls cheap plates and saucers at his +foes. With the exhaustion of the supply of crockery, the act naturally +comes to an end, and, as frequently occurs in similar cases, the curtain +falls. + +_Comic Man_. "Why does CLARKE, when he slings china at the company, +remind you of the Paraguayan war? Of course you give it up. Because he +carries on a war on the Plate. Do you see it? Crockery plates and the +river Plate, you know. Ha! ha!" + +And two ushers, reinforced by a special policeman, drag the miserable +man away, and lead him to MAGONIGLE'S private room, there to be dealt +with for the hideous crime of making infamous jokes in BOOTH'S theatre. +He is never seen again, and so the Philadelphia _Day_ loses its +brightest ornament. + +The third act consists of a duel between JACK and FOX, each of whom is +too cowardly to fight. They therefore follow the safer example of rival +editors, and swear and scold at each other. At last a small millennium +of universal reconciliation takes place, and the usual old comedy "tag" +ends the play. + +(Parenthetically, why "tag?" Does it receive this name because its +invariable stupidity suggests those other worthless commodities "rag" +and "bob-tail," which, outside of theatres, are generally associated +with the name.) + +And every body goes away murmuring of the genial humor of CLARKE, the +magical violin of MOLLENHAUER, the elegance, convenience and comfort of +the theatre, the matchless memory of BOOTH'S Hamlet and Iago, and the +golden certainty of the coming of Rip Van Winkle. And every body is +supremely satisfied, and says to every body else, "This theatre needs +only a company, to be the foremost theatre of either continent." + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +Remarks by Our Stammering Contributor. + +The up-town theatrical sensation is, we hear, produced "regardless of +expense." We had reason to think that its managers would show more +Frou-frou-frugality. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PISCATORY DISCUSSION. + +_Uncle Walton_. "THAR! DIDN'T I TOLE YER? KNOW'D HE COULDN'T KETCH NO +FISH WID DAT 'AR BUGGY-WHIP OF A THING!" + +_Isaac_. "YAH! DON'T TALK!--WAIT TILL HE TURNS DAT 'AR CRANK, AND SEE IF +DE PEERCH DON'T COME A-WINDIN' IN!"] + + * * * * * + +COMIC ZOOLOGY. + +THE MONKEY TRIBE. + +Of this genus there are countless varieties, differing widely in the cut +of their monkey jackets, as the untravelled American naturalist will +doubtless have observed on traversing his native sidewalk. The educated +specimens met with in our cities are upon the whole well Organized, and +appear to have music in their soles. For its feats _à pied_, the tame +monkey is indebted to a Piedmontese who accompanies him. + +To behold the monkey race in their glory, however, they must be seen in +their native woods, where they dwell in genteel independence, enjoying +their entailed estates and living on their own cocoa nuts. There will be +found the Gibbon, whose Decline and Fall when yielding the Palm to some +aspiring rival is swifter than that of the Roman Empire; the Barberry +Ape, so called from feeding exclusively on Barberries; the +Chimpanzee--an African corruption of Jump-and-see, the name given to the +animal by his first European discoverers in compliment to his alertness; +the Baboon, a melancholy brute that, as you may observe from his visage, +always has the blues; to say nothing of a legion of Red Monkeys, which +are particularly Rum Customers. + +Some men of science have advanced the theory that man is the climactic +consequence of innumerable improvements of the monkey; the negro as he +now exists being the result of the Fifteenth Amendment. These +philosophers erect a sort of pyramid of progress, placing an Ape at the +base and a Caucasian at the Apex. This wild hypothesis of a monkey +apotheosis can of coarse only be regarded Jockolarly, in other words, +with a grin. Nevertheless the Marmozet is sufficiently like a little +Frenchwoman to be called a Ma'amoiselle, and there are (in New-Zealand +for instance) human heathen with a craving for the Divine, to whom the +Gorilla, though not a man, is certainly a brother. Possibly the Orang +Outang, if able to express his thoughts in an harangue, might say with +Mr. DICKENS, "I am very human." He certainly looks it. + +There is a strong facial resemblance among the simious races--_Simia +Similibus_. This likeness does not, however, extend in all cases to the +opposite extremity. Some monkeys have no tails. Of the tailless Apes it +is said that they originally erased their rear appendages by too much +sitting--perhaps as members of the "Rump" in some Anthropoid Congress. +Be that as it may, the varieties that have retained their tails seem +disposed to hang on to them, and will doubtless continue to do so by +hook or by crook. + +The natives of Africa believe that the monkeys would converse with them +if they were not afraid of being set to work; but it is quite apparent +that they are not averse either to labor or conversation, inasmuch as +among themselves they frequently Mow and Chatter. + + * * * * * + +THE GREAT AFRICAN TEA COMPANY. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: If I can induce you to take a few shares in the +above-named Co. (at a merely nominal price, I assure you,) I think I +shall do you a very great favor, and at the same time secure to the Co. +the benefit of your enormous influence. + +The Grand Points, in this unequalled Scheme, may be explained as +follows: + +The Tea is from the new African Tea Fields, (that is the holds of ships +in which it has spoiled, or become musty, or lost its bouquet, and the +old chests of the usual dealers,) and is delivered in our ware-rooms for +a mere song, so to speak: say the Song of Sixpence (a pound.) + +At a small additional outlay, we dye and scour this Tea, or otherwise +Renovate it to such an extent that Nature herself would be deceived, at +least till she began to sip the decoction from it, when, perhaps, she +would conclude not to try any further issues with this Co. + +These African Tea Fields (cultivated by Ourselves) are "situated near +the Cape of Good Hope." From the recent appreciation of African +Interests (and, of course, technology,) you will perceive that in our +Name and Scheme is Good Hope indeed, for the Stockholders, if not the +tea-drinkers. + +Our system of business embraces, in part, the following ingenious and +strictly novel features: By means of circulars and extensive advertising +we convince the public (an easy task) that, in consequence of Raising +the Tea Ourselves, from "Our Own Tea Fields," (and thus saving a great +many profits to different absorbents of the people's money,) we can +afford it at ruinously low prices, yet the Tea is always A. 1. (which, +in familiar language, might be construed as A Wonder especially to the +Chinese.) We make a great variety out of the same stock! One may always +know the Great A. Co.'s Tea from the circumstance of it's never having +either odor or flavor. We find, after ample experience, that the +presence of either of these qualities directly injures the sale. Give it +plenty of Astringency (an easy knack) and it will be sure to go down in +this country. It is our experience (and that of many other Operators of +our kind--or _upon_ our kind, if you prefer the phrase,) that people +_like to be imposed upon,_ and can always be taken with the Economical +hook. If an article (of Tea, for instance) is only "cheap" enough, it +may be ever so nasty and unwholesome, and yet it will Sell! Sell? Bless +you! you can't produce it fast enough--even from your Own Tea Fields! + +We make an article of Coffee (which we have almost decided to call +Cuffee) that has as much Color in one pound as the real (an inferior) +article has in six! Boarding-house keepers praise it! It goes far, and +is actually preferred to Mocha! We sell it for less than the latter +could be bought for at wholesale, in Arabia, and yet you will readily +believe we make money by it. + +A few shares will be sold to you for a mere fraction of their nominal +value. Call and see us, at the sign of the GREAT AFRICAN (TEA CO.) + +T. T. T. (for the Co.) + + * * * * * + +OUR CUBAN TELEGRAMS. + +We are happy to inform our readers that we have made a special +arrangement with the telegraph companies, by which we shall receive the +only reliable news from Cuba. The following telegrams from Havana, which +were received at this office at a late hour last night, will show how +full and accurate our Cuban news will henceforth be: + +FIRST DISPATCH. + +HAVANA, May 26th, 9 P.M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--A great battle was +fought yesterday between the National army and the Spanish Cut-throats. +General CESPEDES, with five hundred men, attacked VALMESEDA, who had +eleven thousand men in a strong position, and completely routed him. The +Invaders lost ten thousand in killed and wounded, and nine hundred +prisoners. Twenty pieces of artillery were captured. This blow will +crush the Spanish brigands, and make certain the independence of the +island. Our loss was trifling--only a drummer-boy or two. + +SECOND DISPATCH. + +9:30 P.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--A great battle was fought +yesterday between the loyal army and the rebel hordes. General +VALMESADA, with five hundred men, attacked CESPEDES, who had eleven +thousand men in a strong position, and completely routed him. The +brigands lost ten thousand in killed and wounded, and nine hundred +prisoners. Twenty pieces of artillery were captured. This blow will +crush the rebels, and make certain the establishment of order in the +island. Our loss was trifling--only a sutler or two. + +THIRD DISPATCH. + +10 P.M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--Our victory was more complete than +at first believed. Only two Spaniards escaped. Our only loss was one +drummer-boy slightly wounded. + +FOURTH DISPATCH. + +10:30 P.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--Our victory was more +complete than was at first believed. Only two rebels escaped. Our only +loss was one sutler somewhat demoralized. + +FIFTH DISPATCH. + +11 P.M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--CESPEDES had only two hundred men, +and VALMESADA eight thousand. The latter is reported killed. The victory +was complete. + +SIXTH DISPATCH. + +11:30 P.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--VALMESEDA had only two +hundred men, and CESPEDES eight thousand. The latter is reported killed. +The victory was complete. + +SEVENTH DISPATCH. + +12 M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--The battle was not so bloody as was at +first reported. The Patriots had fifty men, and were greatly +outnumbered. Several dead Spaniards were left on the field. No artillery +was captured, but a great quantity of supplies was taken. + +EIGHTH DISPATCH. + +12:30 A.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--The battle was not so +bloody as was at first reported. The loyal force consisted of only fifty +men, and many dead rebels were left on the field. No artillery was +captured, but a great quantity of bananas was taken. + +NINTH DISPATCH. + +1 A.M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--It is now known that the battle was +only a skirmish. The Spaniards attacked our men in order to seize upon +their extra linen. They were repulsed however. + +TENTH DISPATCH. + +1:30 A.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--It is now known that the +battle was only skirmish. The rebels attacked a hen-roost in search of +eggs, but were repulsed. + +ELEVENTH DISPATCH. + +3 A.M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--The rumor of a battle seems to have +originated in a fight between a Patriot and a mob of blood-thirsty +Spaniards in an alley in this city. The latter managed to escape. + +TWELFTH DISPATCH. + +2:30 A.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--The rumor of a battle +evidently grew out of a fight in an alley of this city, between a +Volunteer and a mob of rebel sympathizers. The latter were all arrested. + +THIRTEENTH DISPATCH. + +3 A.M.--(_From the American, Consul_.)--Yesterday a Cuban boy threw a +stone at a dog belonging to one of the volunteers. The dog ran away. All +is quiet in the city, and elsewhere on the island. + +At this point we were compelled to go to press. The above dispatches, +however, furnish the latest and only reliable intelligence from Cuba. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ONE VIEW OF THE QUESTION. + +_Nervous Man_. "UP FOUR FLIGHTS OF STAIRS, AND THROUGH NO END OF CROOKED +PASSAGES. HOW AM I TO GET OUT IN CASE OF FIRE?" + +_Polite Waiter_. "NO OCCASION WHATEVER FOR ANXIETY, SIR; THE HOUSE IS +FULLY INSURED."] + + * * * * * + +A Good Turn Meant. + +THERE is some talk of reviving the Tournament in this region, and the +young men are expected to show their skill in "riding at the ring." If +our young men were to put any number of good sharp lances through a few +of our City Rings, they would be noble and chivalrous fellows, surely. + + * * * * * + +The Dumb Beasts' Friend. + +Mr. BERGH, the philodoggist, is an honest oracle in his way, and when he +opes his mouth we hope no cur will be ungrateful enough to bark. He says +in his last lecture that dumb animals are creatures like unto himself. +That accounts for Mr. BERGH being Deer to the quadrupeds, and such a +Terrier to their enemies. + + * * * * * + +Land and Water. + +An Ocean Cable Company has just asked Congress for a grant of lands. The +request is natural, as the Company, of course, wants to see its cable +well Landed. + + * * * * * + +The Kellogg Testimonial. + +Gifts should be seasonable. We therefore signify our highest approval of +the judgment of those "keyind" friends who lately gave to Miss CLARA +LOUISE KELLOGG, our own beloved nightingale, an elegant "Fruit +Receiver." Birds, as a rule, are prohibited by law from partaking of +fruit, but that is only while it is the on branches; and, perhaps, if +EVE had only possessed an elegant "Fruit Receiver," she might have put +the apple into it, instead of eating that most unfortunate pippin, so +greatly to human distress and detriment. And, now that Miss CLARA has +such a beautiful article to hold them, we suggest that, at her next +benefit, instead of the fading and comparatively worthless bouquets, she +be presented with a bushel of the very best pippins--and we intend to do +it. + + * * * * * + +Latest About Garibaldi. + +It is stated, now, that GARIBALDI, foiled in his attempts to join the +Italian insurgents, is about to throw himself, sword in hand, among the +Red River malcontents. This rumor has its origin, probably, in the fact +that GARIBALDI usually wears a red shirt. + +[Illustration: (Man about to stomp on mole marked "Arcade RR.") BROADWAY +SAVED! GOVERNOR HOFFMAN PUTS HIS FOOT DOWN UPON THE MOLE THAT WAS GOING +TO UNDERMINE OUR GREAT THOROUGHFARE.] + + * * * * * + +Stridor Dentium. + +The Massachusetts Dentists (excellent men, not to be spoken of without a +shudder) have been holding an annual meeting in Boston. They talked, +discussed, suggested and explained; and then, to show that they were +physicians who could heal themselves, they partook together of a most +beautiful dinner. We are not told so, but we suppose that the viands on +this occasion were of the very toughest description--geese of venerable +age, fried heel tops, and beef like unto the beef of a boarding-house. +Whether, considering their facilities for mastication, a landlord should +not charge the members of a Dental Association double, is a question for +casuists. + + * * * * * + +English News. + +It is noted, as a very remarkable fact, that "the Member of Parliament +for Sheffield first entered that town as an Italian image boy." He was +the image of his mother. + + * * * * * + +In the Air. + +_Voice at Rome_. "I am the infallible PIO Nono." + +_Echo, everywhere_. "'No! no!'" + + * * * * * + +Ancient Inscription on the Throne of Spain. + +M. T. + + * * * * * + +THE ROBINS. + +[_Compare a much more "poetic" effusion, under this head, in all the +American newspapers_.] + + There's a screech upon the housetop, a creak upon the plain, + It's a libel on the sunshine, its a slander on the rain; + And through my brain, in consequence, there darts a horrid thought + Of exasperating wheelbarrows, and signs, with torture fraught! + So, all these breezy mornings through my teeth is poured the strain: + _Confound the odious "Robins," that have now come back again!_ + + They bring a thought of strawberries, which I shall never taste; + Plums, cherries, ditto, ditto, which these maurauders waste-- + Who never _will_ catch worms and flies, as smaller "warblers" do, + But want precisely those nice things which grow for me and you! + I muse on all their robberies, and mutter this fierce strain: + _Confound these odious "Robins," that have now come back again!_ + + Oh, bah! What bosh these "poets" write, about this humbug pet! + Firstly, they're _not_ true "Robins," but a base, inferior set; + Second, there is no music in their creaking, croaking shriek; + Third, they are slow and stupid--common birds from tail to beak! + Tis said, "they come so early." Well, I'd rather they'd come late. + They're simply made for pot-pies, and deserve no better fate. + + Who ever thought to welcome the ingenious, sprightly Wren? + With his pretty, joyous carol, which should thrill the heart of men? + Now _that_ is _music_, mind you! And how small the throat that + sings! + Besides, he lets your fruit alone, and lives on other things! + Inspired by this trim fairy, many souls will swell the strain: + _Confound the odious "Robins," that have now come back again!_ + + * * * * * + +CAUTION! + +There is shortly to arrive in Paris a dwarf aged about fifty-five years, +having a beard reaching to his feet, but with only one arm and a +completely bald head. He possesses 2,000,000 francs, which he is willing +to share with any young girl about twenty years old, who is pretty and +good tempered. + +The person above alluded is, unquestionably, our eldest son, Mr. +PUNCHINELLO, Jr. He is--we say it with many tears--as great a rascal as +any in the world, although no child was ever flogged more regularly and +affectionately. His conduct broke his mother's head; and he was put +under bonds to keep the peace at the age of two years. After a long +period of flagrant insubordination, he ran away with a part of our +money, and of his plunder he may possibly have 2,000,000 francs +left--but we don't believe it. This is to warn all tradesmen in Paris +from trusting him on our account, as we shall pay no debts of his +contracting. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEW PLEA FOR MURDER + +MAN WITH REVOLVER. "OF COURSE I'VE KILLED HIM, BUT IT'S NO MURDER, FOR +I'M INSANE. IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, THERE'S MY MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE!"] + + * * * * * + +CONDENSED CONGRESS. + +SENATE. + +[Illustration: D] + +DRAKE quacked according to his custom--this time about the propriety of +hanging people in the Southern States. There were several people in +Missouri whom he particularly desired to see extinguished. He referred +to the fiends in human shape, whose hands were dripping with loyal gore, +and whom the unrepentant rebels of his State actually desired to send to +the Senate, in the place of himself. He lacked words to express his +sense of so gross an outrage. He thought that he could be comparatively +happy if forty thousand men were hanged or otherwise "disabled" from +voting against him. That would make his reëlection a pretty sure thing. + +Mr. FERRY said he really thought this thing had gone far enough. People +were coming to understand that the general run, he did not refer to Bull +Run, of the Northern army was just about as good, and no better, than +the general run, he did not refer to Gettysburgh, of the Southern army. +As for DRAKE, he was a _canard_, and his statement was another. He did +not approve of the bloody Drakonian code. + +Mr. MORTON said FERRY was very easily crossed. As for him he considered +that FERRY was a Copperhead. + +Mr. REVELS was in favor of removing disabilities as soon as it could be +done with safety. They all knew what he meant by safety. As soon as not +only his calling, which was formerly clerical, although now legislative, +and election were made sure, he was ready to let everybody vote. While +his election was doubtful, he was in favor of keeping out votes enough +to insure it. He believed that to be the view of every Senator. (Hear. +Hear.) + +Mr. SAWYER thought his opinion as good as REVELS'S, if he was white. He +considered that he was safe in South Carolina, and he disapproved of the +glut of Republican Southern Senators. Upon these grounds he went for the +removal of the disabilities. + +HOUSE. + +Mr. DAWES did a neat thing. He represented that the Naval Appropriation +bill contained a number of most nutritious jobs (as indeed it turned out +that it did.) Upon this hint SCHENCK agreed to let the tariff "pass" for +the present, though he reserved the right to order it up at any time. +Thereupon the astute DAWES moved to postpone it indefinitely, to the +huge disgust of Mr. SCHENCK, who said he ought to be ashamed of himself. +Here was the oyster pining for protection, the peanut absolutely +shrivelling on its stalk under the neglect of Congress, and the American +hook-and-eye weeping for being overrun by the imported article. He hoped +the pig-iron, whose claims they had refused to consider, might lie heavy +on their souls. + +KELLEY was too full of pig-iron for utterance. + + * * * * * + +SPENCERIAN CHAFF. + +BY A CONFIRMED GRAHAMITE. + + If, in the "opening" of my learnéd friend + (Whose record I intend + Most handsomely and warmly to defend,) + You fancy that you now and then perceive + A word or phrase one hardly can conceive + Was uttered "by your leave;" + If--going further in my supposition-- + You fancy his condition + In some respects was not above suspicion; + If (Ah! there's virtue in an "if" sometimes-- + As there may be in crimes,) + You think it strange, what men will do for dimes; + Why, it is plainly due + To you, + And noble SPENCER, too, + That I should straightway boil with legal rage + At such injustice, and at once engage + To right the matter, on this virtuous page. + + I fear, my captious friend, + (To speak the truth,) you do not comprehend + The Majesty of Law! + Of Reason it is clearly the Perfection! + It is not merely Jaw! + Great Heaven! (excuse the interjection,) + If for this thing you have no greater awe, + You need correction! + Pray, do you fully realize, good Sir, + The Legal is a Gentlemanly cur? + True, we are sometimes forced to treat a Judge + As though he were a plain American. + But, fudge! + _He_ never minds; he's not a gentleman! + True, it is now and then our legal lot + To teach a stupid witness what is what, + Or show that he (or she) + Is rather worse than he (or she) should be; + We find it necessary, + Very, + To blacken what we have no doubt is white, + And whiten what is very black indeed. + Agreed! + + But ask the Client what _he_ thinks is right! + He may not care to see us fairly _fight,_ + (It _is not_ a pleasant sight,) + Or hear us curse till all is black as night, + For the whole Jury might perchance take fright; + But _he_ knows whether he is ably served! + Stern Duty's line, he'll tell you (if he's bright) + Is always either angular or curved. + Now, pray, no bosh + About the _habit of defending crime_ + Dulling the sensibilities in time! + The theory won't wash! + Once place my colleague on the other side, + You'd say, This lawyer should be deified! + Oh, what a conscience he would then reveal! + Sinners would tremble at his dread appeal! + You would perceive + (At least, you would be ready to believe,) + That, noting all the most abhorred deeds + Known to our records, this affair must needs + Be judged the blackest. Nothing like, since Cain. + And then, again---- + + But, pshaw! coming to look at you, I see + You're one of those odd folks who don't agree + With _any_ body. _You_ are not to pass + On these high questions; plainly, you're an ass. + I'd like to have you on the stand a minute! + You'd think the deuce was in it! + _I'd_ shake the humdrums out of you, I guess! + You'd presently confess + You thought that No was Yes. + It's just your sort--provided there's no hurry-- + We like to worry. + In twenty minutes, Sir, you wouldn't know + Your father from JIM CROW, + Or your illiterate self from LINDLEY MURRAY! + And now then, dunce, + Please move your boots, at once! + If 'twere not for some twinges of the gout, + I'd _kick_ you out! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A NEAT TURN + +_Mrs. Twigg_. "GOOD GRACIOUS! JOHN--YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING!" + +_Mr. Twigg_. "NORADROP, MY DEAR, _hic_, NORADROP. I'VE ONLY COME UP +_hic_, BY THE _hic, hic_, EL'VATED RAILWAY!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +Since "gin-and-milk" has been declared to be an uncanonical beverage, +much uncertainty prevails among the brethren of the cloth as to what +refreshment would be considered orthodox and proper. There is no doubt +that some men are so constituted as to require fluid aids to religion. +To deprive them of it would be to strike a blow at popular piety. As the +laborer is worthy of his hire, so is the minister, whose throat becomes +parched by reason of much exhortation, worthy of the liquid balm which +is to renew his powers and strengthen his organs. PUNCHINELLO has had +under consideration the question of inventing some drink which might +happily satisfy the wants of the thirsty and avoid the scandal which +"gin-and-milk" has created among the godly. Many correspondents have +suggested to him various decoctions, but, as they all involved +spirituous ingredients, he has felt compelled to reject them. After +considerable trial, he flatters himself, however, that he has fallen +upon a discovery which may remove every objection. It is very simple, +and that of itself should be a strong recommendation. + +Take some raw potatoes; thoroughly extract the juice; mix with it about +three ounces of horse-radish, (this to give it pungency,) flavor the +same with any aromatic root to suit the taste, and then let the whole +boil for one hour. After cooling, tightly bottle the mixture, and within +twenty-four hours it will be fit for use. The process then will be to +drink it in the same quantity that one would take either gin or whisky, +being careful to hold to the nose during the act of swallowing, a sponge +well saturated with pure alcohol. Between the pungency communicated to +the taste by the horse-radish and the fumes of the spirit invading the +nasal avenues, the illusion of a good "square drink" will be complete. + + * * * * * + +An instance of singularly vitiated taste has just come to the knowledge +of PUNCHINELLO. A caterer in Baxter Street provides juvenile boot-blacks +with the hind legs of rats, and declares that his guests eat them with +great avidity and experience no ill effects. They are rolled in +pulverized crackers, and cooked in lard. The dish is considered a great +dainty, and is only within the reach of the aristocratic portions of +that community. One chief cause of this culinary success is the fact +that the provider keeps the knowledge of it to himself, going upon the +French principle of "eat what's put before you and ask no questions." +Fried horse liver has risen to great popularity with Americans in Paris, +owing to the adoption of a similar caution. Fastidious tourists have +been known to smack their lips over horse tenderloin, under the +impression that the peculiarity of its flavor was to be attributed +entirely to the devices of a Parisian _cuisine_. + +This pleasant hypothesis has unquestionably prevented many a stomach +from revolting, and increased the reputation of French cooks. It is +related of the astronomer LALANDE that he often ate caterpillars and +spiders, affirming that the former tasted like almonds and the latter +like walnuts; but no American who ever feasted inadvertently on horse +liver or a savory sirloin of the same flesh, has yet been found to +acknowledge the fact, much less to promote a taste for it by any +seductive comparison. The Baxter Street purveyor imitates the Parisian +_restaurateur_ in the mystery with which he surrounds his art, and so +both prosper. + + * * * * * + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +_Georgia_. Mistaken. The columns of PUNCHINELLO are not for sale. If you +want to buy editorial columns you should apply to the managers of the +Washington _Chronicle_. For tariff of rates consult Governor BULLOCK of +your State, who is thoroughly informed on the subject. + +_Anxious Inquirer_. Our story of the "Mystery of Mr. E. DROOD," will +shortly be published in weekly parts, and it would be unfair to Mr. +DICKENS as well to Mr. ORPHEUS C. KERR to tell you the Mystery. + +_Traveller_. We believe that the Street Car Conductors are obliged to +pass a preliminary examination in packing herrings, before a car is +given to them. + +_Dramatical_. Can you tell me the origin of the expression, "Let's have +a smile," meaning of course, to take a drink?--Yes; it is from _Julius +Caesar_, where CASSIUS says to BRUTUS: + --"Farewell BRUTUS! + If we do meet again we'll Smile, indeed." +_Act V. Scene 1._ + +_Hoyle_. The old remark, "When in doubt play a trump," has fallen +through, as, when in doubt, the player generally plays the Deuce. + +_Henry Jones_. No. You are wrong. _Sic semper tyrannis, does not_ mean +_"Tyrants are always sick."_ + +_Villikens_. Mr. HORACE GREELEY, although an intimate personal friend of +WESTON, the pedestrian, is not, as you suppose, the Compiler of WALKER'S +Dictionary. + +_Cornet_. The critic was wrong in attributing "freshness" to the air of +"Walking down Broadway." If you walk down Broadway at this season you +will find the air any thing but fresh. + +_Gin-and-Milk_. It is a mistake. THEODORE TILTON never sang Comic Songs +in a Houston Street Free-and-Easy. + +_Chutney_. Somebody has been "selling" you. BABOO BRAHMIN CHUNDER SEN is +not a relation of HANS CHRISTIAN ANDERSEN. + +_Sculp_. Is it in your power to give the proportions of a perfect human +figure? + +_Answer_. Your question implies a doubt of the genius of a great +American Sculptor. It is _in_ our Power. Look at his figure of the Greek +Slave. + +_Richard III_. My friends think that I have a decided talent for the +stage. How can I be fitted for it? + +_Answer_. By a theatrical costumer. Pay great attention to "Measure for +Measure." + +_Debrett_. Who were the Knight's Companions of the Bath? + +_Answer_. Towels and Soap. + + + * * * * * + +NAPOLEON'S LATEST MANIFESTO TO THE FRENCH PEOPLE. + +[Illustration: T] + + True citizens of France I've the very great felicity-- + It almost overpowers me as you well can understand; + To give to the proud triumph of my policy publicity, + Majority six millions. Ah! _Mon Dieu!_ but it is grand. + + 'Tis true the Empire's Capital, the centre of authority, + Went against me in a fit of Red Republican romance; + But the Provinces in rolling up their glorious majority + Have proved, despite of precedents, that Paris is not France. + + Self-contained and unembarrassed, I awaited at the Tuileries + The issue, for I trusted the Nation's Common Sense; + And although the rowdy _Faubourgs_ tried a few of their Tom-fooleries, + My soldiers soon let light into each trumpery defence. + + I smile in cold contempt at the Old-time Barricade tricks-- + Each street, did I so order, were a cannon-swept defile, + I've bound Fortune to my Chariot, and defying all her jade tricks, + More in pity that in anger hear the roar of the _Canaille_. + + The _Drapeau Rouge is down_--HUGO, BLANC and LEDRU ROLLIN + Are as harmless as three kittens with their teeth and talons drawn; + And now my own loved France, with returns from every poll in, + I bid thee hail of Liberty the true and genial dawn. + + Though the Left's intemperate oracles, political and clerical, + Deny there's force or purpose in the People's mighty "Aye!" + They stultify their principles, for by ordeal numerical + Their Creed declares all policy should either live or die. + + To France I said, "My Country, behold I freely tender thee + All swords e'er won for freedom in the ages long ago, + All prerogatives that clash with it I offer to surrender thee, + Wilt take or spurn the guerdon? prithee, answer 'yes' or 'no.'" + + She has answered, France has answered, in thunderings articulate, + From the Alps and either Seaboard, to the Pyrenees, the Rhine; + And though a horde of demagogues may bellow and gesticulate, + They _know_ this is a victory of the PEOPLE'S RIGHT DIVINE. + + * * * * * + +The Dominion Again. + +What a set of grumblers the Canadians are. They seem never to be +satisfied with their public men. First they were berating the minister +of Justice for too large a practice at the Bar. Now they have turned +their attention to the gentleman (Mr. LANGEVIN) who is to engineer the +domestic relations between the Confederate Provinces, on the ground of +looking after his own Domestic Relations first. Surely, this is +"factious opposition," as their Mr. HOLTON would say. + + * * * * * + +SCIENCE FOREVER! + +MR. PUNCHINELLO is pleased to observe that there is to be a meeting of +the Western Social Science Association in Chicago, and he hereby +announces his intention of attending as a Volunteer Delegate. He will, +if he is well treated by the Convention, so that he may reach the +elevation of soul necessary, read exhaustive and exhausting papers on +the following subjects: + +1. On the complete removal of the buildings now constituting the City of +Washington to Chicago. + +2. On Free Drinks; their origin, history, purpose, and influence. + +3. On a curious fluid known as Drinking-Water; observed in other parts +of the world, but entirely unknown in Chicago. + +4. On Virtue its Own Reward, as exemplified in the Lives and Adventures +of the Chicago Police. + +5. On the Various Smells to be observed in Chicago (with pungent +experiments.) + +6. On the Exact Trigonometrical Measurement of a Corner in Grain. + +7. On the feasibility of working an Elevator entirely by whisky power. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO has prepared forty-nine other papers on different +scientific subjects, including Pugilism, Base Ball, the Velocipede, +Female Suffrage, and Lake Navigation; and he now awaits on invitation +from Chicago to come on with his largest drum and his most melodious +trumpet. He is aware of the general impression among the Children of the +West that they already know every thing. He hastens to assure them that +they labor under the most hideous of delusions. + + * * * * * + +A Midsummer Reading of Shakspeare. + + It must have been in "fly-time" that Shakspeare wrote-- + "When we have Shoo-flied off this mortal coil." + + * * * * * + +A Dead Beat to the Windward. + +MR. ASHBURY of "Cambria" fame. + + * * * * * + +THE FISHERY QUESTION. + +[Illustration: S] + +Some trouble with regard to the Gulf fisheries appears to be +anticipated, and loud calls are being made upon Government by the +fishermen, who demand that immediate steps be taken for securing their +rights. The unmasterly inactivity of President GRANT, in the matter, is +considered by the fishermen as indicating a want of Porpus. They are +also very much chagrined with the Government for sending out to the +fishing-banks a dispatch boat bearing the inappropriate name of +"Frolic." There is a levity about this quite out of keeping with the +serious character of the question, and it is doubtful whether the +fishermen would not prefer a fight on the banks to a Frolic. + +Although the Government appears to Flounder sadly in the mud-banks of +this fishery question, still there is some hope that coercive measures +may yet be taken for restraining the Dominion fishermen from having +every thing on their own hook. Rumor has it that the monitor +Miantonomah, Captain SCHUFELDT, is awaiting orders for a cruise to the +troubled waters. This will doubtless prove to be a very summary and +complete way of settling the difficulty, inasmuch as a few broadsides +from the huge thunderer referred to would kill every fish upon the +banks, and blacken each particular fisherman into an OTHELLO with an +"occupation gone." The Canadian fishermen, of course, would suffer +equally with those of our own shores. They are a light-hearted people, +though, are these Canadians, fond of music and dancing, and they would +doubtless find consolation for their troubles by addressing the skipper +of the Miantonomah in a grand MASANIELLO strain, chorussed with +"SCHUFELDT don't bother us!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DEPLORABLE ACCIDENT TO THAT FASHIONABLE YOUNG MAN +ALGERNON TYBALT PIPKINS, WHOSE HAT HAS BEEN BLOWN THROUGH THE RAILINGS +OF WASHINGTON PARK JUST AS THE MISSES ABINGDON ARE PASSING.] + + * * * * * + +OF MYTHOLOGY. + +Mythology is the term by which the ancient Greek or Roman used to +distinguish hiss religion from the rival religions of other and +heretical pagans. Just as Orthodoxy, according to DEAN SWIFT, means "my +doxy," and Heterodoxy, the doxy of other people; so the pious Roman used +to speak of "my thology" as the only genuine religion; the "thologies" +of other men being cheap and worthless counterfeits of the real article. +The classic mythology had a large and varied assortment of deities, from +which every man could select a supply to suit himself. Thus the lawyer +could place a bust of Mercury, the god of chicanery, in his office, and +so secure the patronage of the god and save the expense of a tin sign +announcing his profession. The editor could dedicate his paper to the +service of Janus, the two-faced deity, and thus pursue his business +without perilling his reputation for religious consistency. The +advantages of this sort of thing need hardly be enlarged upon. + +We propose to give easy and familiar descriptions of the more important +gods of classic mythology, for the benefit of our younger readers. We +therefore begin without further delay, with the chief deities of +Olympus, the celestial Tammany Hall of the period. The Olympians formed +a sort of Ring which governed the entire celestial and infernal world, +and as they were the only judges of elections, they retained the power +undisturbed. + +JUPITER. This individual was a jolly, good-tempered, old Olympian who +lived in great terror of his wife, JUNO, and was sadly addicted to +surreptitious beer, and undignified flirtations with the female +servants. He was fond of disguising himself, and staying out late at +night in search of adventures. It is difficult, however, to believe that +he really disguised himself as a swan, in order to present his bill to +LEDA. The story, doubtless, originated in the fact that JUNO called him +"an old goose," to which he very probably replied that "other woman +appreciated him better, and that LEDA, for example, would be more apt to +call him a duck or a swan, than a degraded and abject goose." So, too, +in regard to the story that he disguised himself as a bull, and in that +eccentric costume made love to EUROPA. One legend expressly states that +he pretended to be an Irish bull. This is, of course, a figurative way +of saying that he proclaimed himself an Irish gentleman, a descendant of +BRIEN BORU and a graduate of Trinity College. EUROPA was probably a +child's nurse, and the fascinating Irish gentleman was accustomed to +meet her in the Park, and enliven her with his national witticisms. One +can easily believe that he made love to DANAE by throwing a shower of +gold in her lap--a story which shows that women were much the same in +ancient times as they are to day. There is no denying that JUPITER was a +sad old dog, and that he would have been killed a dozen times by insane +husbands had he not been immortal. However, he was pretty severely +punished by JUNO, who was the leader of the Olympian Sorosis, and who +used to hear of all his disreputable flirtations from the respectable +spinsters of that Wild Goddess Association, and would keep him awake +night after night, with curtain lectures on the subject. JUPITER was, +_ex-officio_, the chairman of the Olympian Society, and he once crushed +a rebellion of the Titans, who were the Roughs of the period, by locking +them out of the Olympian Hall, and shying all sorts of heavy missiles, +such as charters--a Greek word signifying a mountainous burden--out of +the upper chamber at them. He had a large number of relatives whom he +placed in all the fat offices, and though there was some dissatisfaction +with his government, it was generally agreed that he was better fitted +for his position than anyone of the Titans would have been. No one knows +what was the ultimate fate of JUPITER. He was, however, dethroned by the +Emperor CONSTANTINE, and was never afterwards heard of; though it is +well known that the inhabitants of certain inland counties of New Jersey +still believe in his existence, and have not yet heard of CONSTANTINE'S +reformation. + + * * * * * + +Imperial Conundrum with an Irreconcilable Answer. + +Why is Paris the greatest place in the world for the prosecution of +newspaper enterprises? + +Because there all newspaper enterprises are prosecuted. + + * * * * * + +A Hanging that Ought to be "Played Out." + +That practised by the "hanging committee" of the Academy of Design. + + * * * * * + +Apropos of Theodora Thomas' Concerts. + +Come into the garden Maudlin. + + * * * * * + +TO OUR READERS. + +Many complaints have been made to the Publishers of PUNCHINELLO +regarding the price asked for the paper by news-dealers in some parts of +this city, as well as elsewhere--viz.: Fifteen Cents a single copy. + +Now, the price of a single copy of PUNCHINELLO is Ten Cents, and no +newsman has a right to charge more for one, seeing that his profit on it +at the regular price is equal to that made by him on any other +illustrated paper. + +However gratifying it may be to us to know that our paper is considered +by dealers as being more valuable than any other one of a similar class, +it has become necessary for us to correct the abuse referred to. The +best way of effecting this is for our readers to send in their +subscriptions directly to this office. To every subscriber who sends in +$4, PUNCHINELLO shall be sent for one year, together with a splendid +premium; particulars respecting which will be found on last page of this +number. + +By following this arrangement, readers will get the paper regularly at +their respective addresses, and will avoid the possibility of being +imposed on. + + * * * * * + +A. T. STEWART & CO. + +ARE OFFERING + +EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS IN + +French and English Carpets, Carpetings, +Cocoa and Canton Matting, +English and Domestic Oil Cloths, +PLAIN AND BROCHE SATIN +DAMASKS, BROCATELS, +TAPESTRIES, REPS, ETC., Imported expressly for + +Furniture Coverings and Curtain Materials. + +BROADWAY, + +Fourth Ave., Ninth and Tenth Sts. + + * * * * * + +HOUSEKEEPING GOODS. + +SHIRTING LINENS, PILLOW-CASE +LINENS, SHEETINGS, + +Damasks, Napkins, +_Towels, Towelings, Blankets, +Quilts,_ + +COUNTERPANES, FLANNELS. + +ALSO + +FRENCH AND BARNSLEY SHEETINGS, EXTRA +QUALITY DRESDEN DOUBLE DAMASK +TABLE-CLOTHS AND +NAPKINS. + +EMBROIDERED, LACE AND NOTTINGHAM +CURTAINS, GUIPURE CURTAINS, AND +SWISS DRAPERY BY THE YARD. + +THE ABOVE ARE OFFERED +At Greatly Reduced Prices. + +A.T. Stewart & Co., + +BROADWAY, +4th Ave., 9th and 10th Sts. + + * * * * * + +A. T. STEWART & CO. + +ARE OFFERING + +AT A GREAT REDUCTION FROM +FORMER PRICES, + +LADIES' PARIS-MADE SILK AND POPLIN DRESSES. +MISSES' AND CHILDRENS' PARIS, LONDON +AND DOMESTIC-MADE PLAIN, BRAIDED +AND EMBROIDERED PIQUE SUITS AND DRESSES, +LADIES' PLAIN AND EMBROIDERED +SKIRTS, EXTRA RICH, +LADIES' AND MISSES' SILK AND FANCY CLOTH +SACQUES, CLOAKS, ETC. + +Paris and Domestic-Made Bonnets. + +_Plain Centre, with Handsome Borders,_ + +REAL INDIA CAMELS HAIR SHAWLS, FROM +$50 UPWARD. + +BLACK ARABIAN LUSTERS, IRON GRENADINES, +BLACK CASHMERES, TAMISE CLOTHS, +BLACK ALPACAS, PRINTED FOULARDS, ETC. + +The above will be exhibited on separate counters in the 10th +Street, section. + +BROADWAY, + +Fourth Avenue, Ninth and Tenth Streets. + + * * * * * + +A. T. Stewart & Co. + +HAVE FOR SALE + +A SPLENDID STOCK OF EVERY VARIETY +OF BOYS' CLOTHING. + +ALSO + +_Cloths, Cassimeres, Linen Drills, +Twills, White Corduroys, Fancy +Cloakings, Tailors' Trimmings, +Ladies' Dress and Cloak Trimmings, +Gimp, Fringes, Braids, +Buttons, Superior Quality +Spool Cotton, Perfumery, +Toilet Articles, etc., etc._ + +At Popular Prices. + +BROADWAY, + +Fourth Avenue, Ninth and Tenth Streets. + + * * * * * + +SPECIAL + +PUNCHINELLO PREMIUMS. + +By special arrangement with + +L. PRANG & CO., + +we offer the following Elegant Premiums for new Subscribers to +PUNCHINELLO: + +"Awakening." (A Litter of Puppies.) Half Chromo, size, +8 3-8 by 11 1-8, price $2.00, and a copy of PUNCHINELLO for +one year, for $4.00. + +"Wild Roses." Chromo, 12 1-8 by 9, price $3.00, or any +other $3.00 Chromo, and a copy of the paper for one year for +$5.00. + +"The Baby in Trouble." Chromo, 13 by 16 1-4, +price $6.00 or any other at $6.00, or any two Chromos at $3.00, +and a copy of the paper for one year, for $7.00. + +"Sunset,--California Scenery," after A. Bierstadt, +18 1-8 by 12, price $10.00, or any other $10.00 Chromo, and +a copy of the paper for one year for $10.00. Or the four Chromos, +and four copies of the paper for one year in one order, for +clubs of FOUR, for $23.00. + +We will send to any one a printed list of L. PRANG & CO.'S +Chromos, from which a selection can be made, if the above is not +satisfactory, and are prepared to make special terms for clubs to +any amount, and to agents. + +Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty +cents per year, or five cents per quarter in advance; the CHROMOS +will be _mailed free_ on receipt of money. + +Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank +Checks on New-York, or Registered letters. The paper will be +sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise +ordered. + +Now is the time to subscribe, as these Premiums will be offered +for a limited time only. On receipt of a postage-stamp we will +send a copy of No. 1 to any one desiring to get up a club. + +Address + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +P. O. BOX 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New-York. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A DISTRESSING SITUATION. + +_Bridget, (responsively to Kate_.) "WHAT'S THE MATTHER WID ME, IS +IT? AH! THEN, THERE'S MATTHER ENOUGH. HERE'S THE MISSIS GONE OUT WID THE +KAY OF HER WARDROBE, AND ME OBLEEGED TO GO IN ME OULD DUDS AND SHOW +CINTRAL PARK TO ME COUSIN DINNIS JUST COME OUT FROM CORK!"] + + * * * * * + +"The Printing House of the United States." + +GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., + +General JOB PRINTERS, + +BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, +STATIONERS Wholesale and Retail, +LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers, +COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, +CARD Manufacturers, +ENVELOPE Manufacturers, +FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. + +163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., +73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New-York. + +ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under immediate +supervision of the proprietors. + + * * * * * + +Bowling Green Savings-Bank, + +33 BROADWAY, + +NEW-YORK. + +Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M. + + +Deposit of any sum from Ten Cents to Ten +Thousand Dollars, will be received. + + +Six Per Cent Interest, Free of +Government Tax. + + +INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS + +Commences on the first of every month. + +HENRY SMITH, _President_. + +REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary_. + +WALTER ROCHE,) +EDWARD HOGAN,) _Vice-Presidents_. + + * * * * * + +SARATOGA "A" SPRING WATER. + +A POSITIVE CURE FOR HEADACHE!--A GREAT +REMEDY FOR INDIGESTION AND DYSPEPSIA.-- + +Keeps the blood cool and regulates the stomach. Persons subject +to headache can insure themselves freedom from this malady +by drinking it liberally in the morning before breakfast. + +Sold by JOHN F. HENRY, at the U.S. Family Medical +Depot, 8 College Place, New-York. + + * * * * * + +PRANG'S CHROMOS are celebrated for their close resemblance to oil +paintings. Sold in all Art Stores throughout the world. + +PRANG'S LATEST CHROMOS: "Four Seasons," by J. M. Hart. Illustrated +catalogues sent free on receipt of stamp by + +L. PRANG & CO., Boston. + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO. + +TERMS TO CLUBS + + +WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS + +FIRST: + +_DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER,_ + +The most complete and desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning +purposes. + +SECOND: + +_BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES._ + +These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful; +and every lady should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind +of crochet or fancy work upon them. + +THIRD: + +_BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER._ + +This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It knits +every thing. + +FOURTH: + +_AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE._ + +This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on +all former machines. No. 1, with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and +Cover, complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole +parts, etc., price, $60. + +WE WILL SEND THE + +Family Spinner, price, $3, for 4 subscribers and $16. +No. 1 Crochet, " 8, " 4 " " 16. + " 2 " " 15, " 6 " " 24. + " 1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles, " 30, " 12 " " 43. + " 12 " " 84 " " 33, " 13 " " 52. +No.3 Automatic Knitter, 100 needles, price,37, for 15 subscribers and 60. +No.4 " " 2 cylinders ) " 40, " 16 " " 64. + 1 72 needles ) + 1 100 needles ) + +No. 1 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, price $75, for 30 + subscribers and $120. +No.2 " without buttonhole parts, etc., 60, " 25 + " " 100. + +Descriptive Circulars + +Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and +full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers. + +Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct +seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers +and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send +single names as they obtain them, deducting the commission. + +Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts on +New-York City; or if these can not be obtained, then by Registered Letters, +which any post-master will furnish. Charges on money sent by express must +be prepaid, or the net amount only will be credited. + +Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit, to prevent +error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and State. + +The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable quarterly +in advance at the place where it is received. Subscribers in the British +Provinces will remit twenty cents in addition to subscription. + +All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, + +NEW-YORK + + * * * * * + +S. W. GREEN, PRINTER, CORNER JACOB AND FRANKFORT STREETS. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, Issue 10, +Saturday, June 4, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, JUNE 4, 1870 *** + +***** This file should be named 9544-8.txt or 9544-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/9/5/4/9544/ + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra Brown, and Project +Gutenberg Distributed Proofreaders from material generously +made available by Cornell University + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/9544-8.zip b/9544-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6074b01 --- /dev/null +++ b/9544-8.zip diff --git a/9544-h.zip b/9544-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..dc56e3a --- /dev/null +++ b/9544-h.zip diff --git a/9544-h/9544-h.htm b/9544-h/9544-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e1da2b8 --- /dev/null +++ b/9544-h/9544-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1906 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> +<title>PUNCHINELLO, Vol. I, Issue 10</title> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> +<style type="text/css"> +<!-- +body {margin:10%; text-align:justify} +img {border: 0;} +blockquote {font-size:14pt} +P {font-size:14pt} +--> +</style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, Issue 10, Saturday, +June 4, 1870, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, Issue 10, Saturday, June 4, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Posting Date: January 18, 2013 [EBook #9544] +Release Date: December, 2005 +First Posted: October 7, 2003 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, JUNE 4, 1870 *** + + + + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra Brown, and Project +Gutenberg Distributed Proofreaders from material generously +made available by Cornell University + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1>Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 10</h1> + +<br><hr><br> + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="cover.jpg (298K)" src="images/cover.jpg" height="1166" width="803"> +<br><br> +</center> + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="01.jpg (234K)" src="images/01.jpg" height="1120" width="763"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<center> +<h1>PUNCHINELLO, Vol. I, Issue 10</h1> + +<h2>SATURDAY, JUNE 4, 1870.</h2> + +<h4>PUBLISHED BY THE</h4> + +<h3>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</h3> + +<h3>83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK.</h3> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="02.jpg (260K)" src="images/02.jpg" height="694" width="897"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>A CONSISTENT LEAGUE.</h2> + +<p>Immediately upon McFarland's acquittal, the Union League of Philadelphia +determined to give a grand ball. And they did it. And, what is more, +they intend to do it every time the majesty of any kind of Union is +vindicated. Except, of course, the union of the "Iron interest" and the +public good.</p> + +<p>One of the most valuable and instructive features of this ball was, the +grand opportunity it offered to the members of the League to show their +respect and affection for the spirit of the Fifteenth Amendment, +Accordingly, they invited a large number of colored ladies and +gentlemen, and the accursed spirit of caste was completely exorcised by +the exercises of the evening. The halls were grandly decorated with +blackberry and gooseberry bushes, and other rare plants; sumptuous +fountains squirted high great streams of XX ale and gin-and-milk; +enormous piles of panned oysters, lobster salad, Charlotte Russe, and +rice-pudding blocked up half the doorways, while within the dancing hall +the merriment was kept up grandly. The ball was opened by a grand +Cross-match waltz in which Hon. MORTON MCMICHAEL and Mrs. DINAH J--N; +GEORGE H. BOKER and Miss CHLOE P--T--N; WILLIAM D. KELLEY and Aunty Di. +LU-V-I-A-N; A. BORIE and Miss E. G--N; Gen. TYNDALE and Miss MAY OR--TY, +and several other distinguished couples twirled their fantastic toes in +the most reckless <i>abandon</i>. Virginia reels, Ole Kentucky break-downs, +and other characteristic dances diversified the ordinary Terpsichorean +programme, and the dancing was kept up to a late hour. It was truly +gratifying to every consistent supporter of the enfranchisement of the +African race, to see such gentlemen as <i>Senator</i> REVELS, FREDERICK +DOUGLASS, Mr. PURVIS, and other prominent colored citizens, in the halls +of this patriotic and thoroughly American Society. The members of the +League were evidently of the opinion that it would be a most flagrant +shame, on an occasion of this kind, for them to deny to their colored +fellow citizens the rights and privileges that they are so anxious shall +be accorded them by every one else; and, while they do not believe that +they are bound to invite any one--black or white--to their private +reunions on account of political considerations, they do not attempt to +deny that, on an occasion of this kind--a celebration in fact of the +success of a political party--it would be most shameful to ostracize the +very citizens for whom that party labored and conquered. Therefore it +was that they so warmly welcomed, within their gorgeous halls, their +colored fellow-citizens, and by so doing won for themselves the +approbation of every consistent American. It was one of the most +affecting sights of the evening to see these gentlemen of the League, +nobly trampling under their feet all base considerations of color and +caste, and walking arm and arm with their colored sisters; smelling the +exotics; admiring the groups of statuary; sipping the coffee and the +punch; pricing the crimson curtains; inhaling the perfumes from the +cologne-water fountains; ascending and descending the grand walnut +staircase (arranged for this occasion only); listening to the birds in +the conservatories; and fixing their hair in the magnificent +dressing-rooms. When, in the midst of the festivities the band struck up +the beautiful air, "Ask me no more!" the honored guests of color looked +at each other with pleasant smiles which seemed to denote a perfect +satisfaction. And so, whatever may be said of the friends of the colored +race in other parts of the country, it must be universally admitted that +the Union League of Philadelphia has done its duty!</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<p>Good Reading for Topers.</p> + +<p>MR. GREELEY's "Recollections of a Boozy Life."</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<p>Sporting Intelligence.</p> + +<p>A NEWSPAPER item says that "a Mexican offers to shoot JUAREZ for $200."</p> + +<p>That's nothing. TAYLOR, of Jersey City, offers to shoot any man in the +world for $2000.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<p>The Favorite Drink of the Canadian Government.</p> + +<p>CABINET Whiskey.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<p>Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District +Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New-York.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="03.jpg (74K)" src="images/03.jpg" height="440" width="671"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<p>The public still labor under misapprehensions of our character and +calling. We are in daily receipt of letters of the most heterogeneous +description, the task of answering which we are compelled to utterly +forego.</p> + +<p>We subjoin a few specimens:</p> + +<p>"MR. PUNCHINELLO. <i>Dear Sir</i>: My wife died yesterday, and would you be +so kind as to come and make her will? I would not give you the trouble +of coming, but the young woman I intend to marry next is going away +to-morrow, and I don't want to leave home. My wife had five hundred +dollars which I want left to me, and a feather bed, which you may divide +amongst the children.</p> + +<p>"Yours in affliction,</p> + +<p>"SOLOMON SNIPP."</p> + +<p> +"SIR: I calculate to give a funeral down at my place shortly, that is, +if things go right; but we have no preacher to do the work. Would you +please to send us one? Not particular what kind, so long as the work is +<i>sure</i>. Party is not dead yet, but I make arrangements beforehand as I +expect to be insane. Good pay for good work.</p> + +<p>"Sincerely,</p> + +<p>"P. MCFINIGAN.</p> + +<p>"P. S. Do preachers warrant their burials?"</p> + +<p> +"DEAR MR. PUNCHINELLO:--You were so good as to prescribe a hot pitch +plaster for the baby's mouth. Next day I took the prescription to your +office, but failed to get it made up, as the devil, they told me, was +busy. Will you please inform me when you will be at leisure? Meanwhile +baby yells.</p> + +<p>"Yours truly,</p> + +<p>"C. PUGSBY.</p> + +<p>"P.S. <i>Later</i>. Mrs. PUGSBY says if I apply that plaster she will go +insane. True, she does not understand fire-arms, but then I should be +afraid to drink any coffee for a month. In the meantime, if the baby +keeps on, I shall go crazy myself; so there is likely to be a casualty +somewhere. What's to be done? Shall I bring the child to you?</p> + +<p>"C. P."</p> + +<p> +<i>Answer</i>. At your peril. Go crazy and shoot it; then we will go crazy +and turn counsel for the defence. The result will probably be that you +are handed over to the ladies to be kissed into reason; but if you would +rather be hung, you must do the shooting over in New-Jersey.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>"BEAUTIFUL SNOW."</h3> + +<p>Circumstances having rendered it probable that the dispute respecting +the authorship of the poem "Beautiful Snow" may shortly be revived, +PUNCHINELLO takes this opportunity of setting the public right on the +subject, and silencing further controversy regarding it for ever.</p> + +<p>It is the production of Mr. PUNCHINELLO, himself; was composed by him so +long ago as July, 1780, and copyrighted in August of the same year. It +may be asked how the idea of snow-flakes happened to occur to him in +July. That question is easily settled. The day was sultry; thermometer +98° in the arbor. Drowsed by the sultry air--not to mention the iced +claret--Mr. PUNCHINELLO posed himself gracefully upon a rustic bench, +and slept. Presently the lovely lady who was fanning him, fascinated by +the trumpet tones that preceded from his nose, exclaimed: "Beautiful +Snore!" This was repeated to him when he awoke, and hence the origin of +the poem.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>Fish Culture.</h3> + +<p>The Grand Duke ALEXIS, of Russia, proposes to come to these shores and +inspect the American system of fish culture. With this end in view, he +will, of course, be the particular guest of Gen. GRANT, and will, no +doubt, be surprised to find that our principal FISH is a cultivated man. +But he will better understand our FISH system by witnessing its +operations in Spanish and Canadian waters, as also in those of Sault St. +Marie.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>Linsey-Woolsey.</h3> + +<p>The regular troops for the Canadian Red River Expedition have been +supplied by Gen. LINDSEY, and are commanded by Col. WOLSLEY--a fact +oddly co-incidental with the reported flimsy character of the +expedition, so far as it has gone.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="04.jpg (155K)" src="images/04.jpg" height="656" width="688"> +</center> +<br><br> + +<br><hr><br> + + +<h3>Bivalvulor Intelligence.</h3> + +<p>It is stated that the clams along the Stratford shore are dying by +thousands of a malignant disease, which a correspondent of the +Bridgeport <i>Standard</i> calls "clam cholera." This is a sad c'lamity for +the people of the Stratford shore.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>The Fifteenth Amendment.</h3> + +<p>The appointment of colored postmasters in Maryland may be all very well; +but PUNCHINELLO would like to know whether the Post-office authorities +intend to revive the custom of Blackmailing.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + + + +<h2>THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.</h2> + +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<img alt="05.jpg (75K)" src="images/05.jpg" height="611" width="397"> + +</td><td> + +<p>Comedy personified, in Mr. CLARKE, has now reigned at BOOTH'S for nearly +six weeks. During that time there has been a perceptible change in the +metaphorical atmosphere of the house. The audience no longer wears the +look of subdued melancholy which was once involuntarily assumed by each +mourner for the memory of SHAKSPEARE, who passed the solemn threshold. +The ushers no longer find it necessary to sustain their depressed +spirits by the surreptitious chewing of the quid of consolation, and are +now the most pleasant, as they were always the most courteous, of their +kind. Persons have even been heard, within the past week, to allude to +BOOTH'S as a "theatre," instead of a "temple of art;" and though the +convulsions of nature which attend the shifting of the scenery, and +cause castles to be violently thrown up by volcanic eruptions and +forests to be suddenly swallowed by gaping earthquakes, impart a certain +solemnity to the brightest of comedies, still there is a general +impression among the audience that BOOTH'S has become a place of +amusement. And in noting this change PUNCHINELLO does not mean to jeer +at the former and normal character of BOOTH'S. BEETHOVEN'S Seventh +Symphony, DANTE'S Inferno, JEFFERSON'S Rip Van Winkle, and EDWIN BOOTH'S +Hamlet are not amusing, but it does not follow that they are therefore +unworthy of the attention of the public, which is pleased with the +rattle of De Boots, and tickled with the straw of Toodles.</p> + + +</td></tr> +</table> + +<p>FOX vs. GOOSE is a three act comedy in which Mr. CLARKE last week made +his audience laugh as freely as though the tomb-stones of all the +Capulets were not gleaming white and awful in the lamplight of the +property-room; or, at all events, would be gleaming if any body were to +hunt them up with a practicable lantern. The opening scene is the +tap-room of an inn, where Mr. FOX FOWLER, an adventurer, is taking his +ease and his unpaid-for gin-and-milk.</p> + +<p><i>Enter Landlord, presenting his bill</i>. "Here, sir, you've been drinking +my beer for several years, and now I want you to pay for it."</p> + +<p><i>Fox</i>. "My friend! why ask me to pay bills? Do you not perceive that I +wear a velvet coat? And, besides, even if I wanted to pay I could not +until my baggage, which I gave to an expressman ten years ago, shall +reach me. It will probably arrive in a month or two more."</p> + +<p><i>Landlord</i>. "Here comes Sir GANDER GOSLING. I'll complain to him of your +conduct."</p> + +<p>(<i>Enter Sir Gander</i>.)</p> + +<p><i>Fox</i>. "My dear Sir GANDER. Allow me to embrace you."</p> + +<p><i>Sir Gander</i>. "I don't know you. I'm not my son JACK."</p> + +<p><i>Fox</i>. "But I am Jack's dearest friend. I have saved him from drowning, +from matrimony, from reading the <i>Nation,</i> from mothers-in-law, and all +other calamities mentioned in the litany."</p> + +<p><i>Sir Gander</i>. "Describe him to me, if you know him so well."</p> + +<p><i>Fox</i>. "He is tall, dark, slender, and quiet in manner."</p> + +<p><i>Sir Gander</i>. "My dear fellow he is short, fat, light, and noisy. I am +convinced that you know him. Permit me to pay your bill, lend you money, +and tell you all about our dear JACK'S intended marriage." (<i>He pays, +lends, and narrates accordingly. A terrific rattling of dishpans +simulates the arrival of a train. Sir</i> GANDER <i>departs and</i> JACK GOSLING +<i>enters.</i>)</p> + +<p><i>Fox</i>. "My dear JACK, allow me to embrace you."</p> + +<p><i>Jack</i>. "I don't know you. I'm not my father."</p> + +<p><i>Fox</i>. "But I am your father's dearest friend. Sit down and have a +bottle of wine, and tell me all about ROSE MANDRAKE, your intends bride. +'Rose! Rose! the coal black Rose!' as MILTON finely remarks." (<i>They sit +down and</i> JACK <i>immediately gets very drunk, thereby affording another +proof of the horribly adulterated condition of the liquor used on the +stage, which infallibly intoxicates an actor within two minutes after it +is imbibed. [Let the Excise authorities see to this matter.] Finally</i> +JACK <i>falls, and the curtain immediately follows his example.)</i></p> + +<p><i>Critical Young Man, who reads all the theatrical "notices" in the Herald +in the leisure moments when he is not selling yards of tape and ribbon</i>. +"I don't think much of CLARKE. He ain't half the man that NED FORREST +is. There ain't a bit of spontanatious humor in him. Them San Francisco +Minstrels can beat him out of sight."</p> + +<p><i>Accompanying Young Female Person</i>. "Yes, I think so, too. I hate to see +a man act drunk. It's so low and vulgar. I like pretty plays, like they +have at WALLACK'S."</p> + +<p><i>Respectable Old Gentleman</i>. "PLACIDE--BLAKE--BURTON--"</p> + +<p><i>Every Body Else</i>. "Well, this is real humor; I haven't laughed so much +since I heard BEECHER preach a funeral sermon."</p> + +<p>The second act takes place in the house of Major MANDRAKE. Fox has +successfully assumed the character of JACK GOSLING, and is having a +pleasant chat with the family, when the gardener enters to inform the +Major that a flock of crows is in sight.</p> + +<p><i>Major Mandrake</i>. "I love the pleasures of the chase. Bring my gun, and +I will shoot the crows." (<i>He goes out, and shoots</i> JACK, <i>who is +climbing over the gate. Re-enter Major and men carrying</i> JACK.)</p> + +<p><i>Major</i>. "Alas! I have missed the crow over the cornfield, and lost the +crow over my shooting which I would otherwise have had. Also I have shot +a man out of season, and the sportsmen's club will prosecute me."</p> + +<p><i>Jack</i>. "I am not dead, though my appearance and conversation might +induce you to think so. My name is JACK GOSLING. The chap in the velvet +coat is an impostor."</p> + +<p><i>Major, Fox, and other dramatis persons</i>. "Away with the wretch! He +himself is the impostor. Call a policeman who will club him if he makes +no resistance."</p> + +<p>JACK is dragged away, but perpetually returns and denounces his rival. +He is bitten by suppositious dogs cunningly simulated by stage +carpenters, who remark "bow wow" from behind the scenes. He is cut by +ROSE MANDRAKE, and also by rows of broken bottles, which line the top of +the wall on which he makes a perilous perch, not having a pole or rod +with which to defend himself against the dogs. He is challenged by Fox +and seconded by Miss BLANCHE BE BAR in naval uniform. Finally he takes +refuge in the china closet, and hurls cheap plates and saucers at his +foes. With the exhaustion of the supply of crockery, the act naturally +comes to an end, and, as frequently occurs in similar cases, the curtain +falls.</p> + +<p><i>Comic Man</i>. "Why does CLARKE, when he slings china at the company, +remind you of the Paraguayan war? Of course you give it up. Because he +carries on a war on the Plate. Do you see it? Crockery plates and the +river Plate, you know. Ha! ha!"</p> + +<p>And two ushers, reinforced by a special policeman, drag the miserable +man away, and lead him to MAGONIGLE'S private room, there to be dealt +with for the hideous crime of making infamous jokes in BOOTH'S theatre. +He is never seen again, and so the Philadelphia <i>Day</i> loses its +brightest ornament.</p> + +<p>The third act consists of a duel between JACK and FOX, each of whom is +too cowardly to fight. They therefore follow the safer example of rival +editors, and swear and scold at each other. At last a small millennium +of universal reconciliation takes place, and the usual old comedy "tag" +ends the play.</p> + +<p>(Parenthetically, why "tag?" Does it receive this name because its +invariable stupidity suggests those other worthless commodities "rag" +and "bob-tail," which, outside of theatres, are generally associated +with the name.)</p> + +<p>And every body goes away murmuring of the genial humor of CLARKE, the +magical violin of MOLLENHAUER, the elegance, convenience and comfort of +the theatre, the matchless memory of BOOTH'S Hamlet and Iago, and the +golden certainty of the coming of Rip Van Winkle. And every body is +supremely satisfied, and says to every body else, "This theatre needs +only a company, to be the foremost theatre of either continent."</p> + +<p>MATADOR.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>Remarks by Our Stammering Contributor.</h3> + +<p>The up-town theatrical sensation is, we hear, produced "regardless of +expense." We had reason to think that its managers would show more +Frou-frou-frugality.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="06.jpg (202K)" src="images/06.jpg" height="858" width="654"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>COMIC ZOOLOGY.</h2> + +<h3>THE MONKEY TRIBE.</h3> + +<p>Of this genus there are countless varieties, differing widely in the cut +of their monkey jackets, as the untravelled American naturalist will +doubtless have observed on traversing his native sidewalk. The educated +specimens met with in our cities are upon the whole well Organized, and +appear to have music in their soles. For its feats <i>à pied</i>, the tame +monkey is indebted to a Piedmontese who accompanies him.</p> + +<p>To behold the monkey race in their glory, however, they must be seen in +their native woods, where they dwell in genteel independence, enjoying +their entailed estates and living on their own cocoa nuts. There will be +found the Gibbon, whose Decline and Fall when yielding the Palm to some +aspiring rival is swifter than that of the Roman Empire; the Barberry +Ape, so called from feeding exclusively on Barberries; the +Chimpanzee--an African corruption of Jump-and-see, the name given to the +animal by his first European discoverers in compliment to his alertness; +the Baboon, a melancholy brute that, as you may observe from his visage, +always has the blues; to say nothing of a legion of Red Monkeys, which +are particularly Rum Customers.</p> + +<p>Some men of science have advanced the theory that man is the climactic +consequence of innumerable improvements of the monkey; the negro as he +now exists being the result of the Fifteenth Amendment. These +philosophers erect a sort of pyramid of progress, placing an Ape at the +base and a Caucasian at the Apex. This wild hypothesis of a monkey +apotheosis can of coarse only be regarded Jockolarly, in other words, +with a grin. Nevertheless the Marmozet is sufficiently like a little +Frenchwoman to be called a Ma'amoiselle, and there are (in New-Zealand +for instance) human heathen with a craving for the Divine, to whom the +Gorilla, though not a man, is certainly a brother. Possibly the Orang +Outang, if able to express his thoughts in an harangue, might say with +Mr. DICKENS, "I am very human." He certainly looks it.</p> + +<p>There is a strong facial resemblance among the simious races--<i>Simia +Similibus</i>. This likeness does not, however, extend in all cases to the +opposite extremity. Some monkeys have no tails. Of the tailless Apes it +is said that they originally erased their rear appendages by too much +sitting--perhaps as members of the "Rump" in some Anthropoid Congress. +Be that as it may, the varieties that have retained their tails seem +disposed to hang on to them, and will doubtless continue to do so by +hook or by crook.</p> + +<p>The natives of Africa believe that the monkeys would converse with them +if they were not afraid of being set to work; but it is quite apparent +that they are not averse either to labor or conversation, inasmuch as +among themselves they frequently Mow and Chatter.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>THE GREAT AFRICAN TEA COMPANY.</h2> + +<p>MR. PUNCHINELLO: If I can induce you to take a few shares in the +above-named Co. (at a merely nominal price, I assure you,) I think I +shall do you a very great favor, and at the same time secure to the Co. +the benefit of your enormous influence.</p> + +<p>The Grand Points, in this unequalled Scheme, may be explained as +follows:</p> + +<p>The Tea is from the new African Tea Fields, (that is the holds of ships +in which it has spoiled, or become musty, or lost its bouquet, and the +old chests of the usual dealers,) and is delivered in our ware-rooms for +a mere song, so to speak: say the Song of Sixpence (a pound.)</p> + +<p>At a small additional outlay, we dye and scour this Tea, or otherwise +Renovate it to such an extent that Nature herself would be deceived, at +least till she began to sip the decoction from it, when, perhaps, she +would conclude not to try any further issues with this Co.</p> + +<p>These African Tea Fields (cultivated by Ourselves) are "situated near +the Cape of Good Hope." From the recent appreciation of African +Interests (and, of course, technology,) you will perceive that in our +Name and Scheme is Good Hope indeed, for the Stockholders, if not the +tea-drinkers.</p> + +<p>Our system of business embraces, in part, the following ingenious and +strictly novel features: By means of circulars and extensive advertising +we convince the public (an easy task) that, in consequence of Raising +the Tea Ourselves, from "Our Own Tea Fields," (and thus saving a great +many profits to different absorbents of the people's money,) we can +afford it at ruinously low prices, yet the Tea is always A. 1. (which, +in familiar language, might be construed as A Wonder especially to the +Chinese.) We make a great variety out of the same stock! One may always +know the Great A. Co.'s Tea from the circumstance of it's never having +either odor or flavor. We find, after ample experience, that the +presence of either of these qualities directly injures the sale. Give it +plenty of Astringency (an easy knack) and it will be sure to go down in +this country. It is our experience (and that of many other Operators of +our kind--or <i>upon</i> our kind, if you prefer the phrase,) that people +<i>like to be imposed upon,</i> and can always be taken with the Economical +hook. If an article (of Tea, for instance) is only "cheap" enough, it +may be ever so nasty and unwholesome, and yet it will Sell! Sell? Bless +you! you can't produce it fast enough--even from your Own Tea Fields!</p> + +<p>We make an article of Coffee (which we have almost decided to call +Cuffee) that has as much Color in one pound as the real (an inferior) +article has in six! Boarding-house keepers praise it! It goes far, and +is actually preferred to Mocha! We sell it for less than the latter +could be bought for at wholesale, in Arabia, and yet you will readily +believe we make money by it.</p> + +<p>A few shares will be sold to you for a mere fraction of their nominal +value. Call and see us, at the sign of the GREAT AFRICAN (TEA CO.)</p> + +<p>T. T. T. (for the Co.)</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>OUR CUBAN TELEGRAMS.</h2> + +<p>We are happy to inform our readers that we have made a special +arrangement with the telegraph companies, by which we shall receive the +only reliable news from Cuba. The following telegrams from Havana, which +were received at this office at a late hour last night, will show how +full and accurate our Cuban news will henceforth be:</p> + +<p>FIRST DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>HAVANA, May 26th, 9 P.M.--(<i>From a Cuban Patriot</i>.)--A great battle was +fought yesterday between the National army and the Spanish Cut-throats. +General CESPEDES, with five hundred men, attacked VALMESEDA, who had +eleven thousand men in a strong position, and completely routed him. The +Invaders lost ten thousand in killed and wounded, and nine hundred +prisoners. Twenty pieces of artillery were captured. This blow will +crush the Spanish brigands, and make certain the independence of the +island. Our loss was trifling--only a drummer-boy or two.</p> + +<p>SECOND DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>9:30 P.M.--(<i>From the Spanish Authorities</i>.)--A great battle was fought +yesterday between the loyal army and the rebel hordes. General +VALMESADA, with five hundred men, attacked CESPEDES, who had eleven +thousand men in a strong position, and completely routed him. The +brigands lost ten thousand in killed and wounded, and nine hundred +prisoners. Twenty pieces of artillery were captured. This blow will +crush the rebels, and make certain the establishment of order in the +island. Our loss was trifling--only a sutler or two.</p> + +<p>THIRD DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>10 P.M.--(<i>From a Cuban Patriot</i>.)--Our victory was more complete than +at first believed. Only two Spaniards escaped. Our only loss was one +drummer-boy slightly wounded.</p> + +<p>FOURTH DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>10:30 P.M.--(<i>From the Spanish Authorities</i>.)--Our victory was more +complete than was at first believed. Only two rebels escaped. Our only +loss was one sutler somewhat demoralized.</p> + +<p>FIFTH DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>11 P.M.--(<i>From a Cuban Patriot</i>.)--CESPEDES had only two hundred men, +and VALMESADA eight thousand. The latter is reported killed. The victory +was complete.</p> + +<p>SIXTH DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>11:30 P.M.--(<i>From the Spanish Authorities</i>.)--VALMESEDA had only two +hundred men, and CESPEDES eight thousand. The latter is reported killed. +The victory was complete.</p> + +<p>SEVENTH DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>12 M.--(<i>From a Cuban Patriot</i>.)--The battle was not so bloody as was at +first reported. The Patriots had fifty men, and were greatly +outnumbered. Several dead Spaniards were left on the field. No artillery +was captured, but a great quantity of supplies was taken.</p> + +<p>EIGHTH DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>12:30 A.M.--(<i>From the Spanish Authorities</i>.)--The battle was not so +bloody as was at first reported. The loyal force consisted of only fifty +men, and many dead rebels were left on the field. No artillery was +captured, but a great quantity of bananas was taken.</p> + +<p>NINTH DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>1 A.M.--(<i>From a Cuban Patriot</i>.)--It is now known that the battle was +only a skirmish. The Spaniards attacked our men in order to seize upon +their extra linen. They were repulsed however.</p> + +<p>TENTH DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>1:30 A.M.--(<i>From the Spanish Authorities</i>.)--It is now known that the +battle was only skirmish. The rebels attacked a hen-roost in search of +eggs, but were repulsed.</p> + +<p>ELEVENTH DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>3 A.M.--(<i>From a Cuban Patriot</i>.)--The rumor of a battle seems to have +originated in a fight between a Patriot and a mob of blood-thirsty +Spaniards in an alley in this city. The latter managed to escape.</p> + +<p>TWELFTH DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>2:30 A.M.--(<i>From the Spanish Authorities</i>.)--The rumor of a battle +evidently grew out of a fight in an alley of this city, between a +Volunteer and a mob of rebel sympathizers. The latter were all arrested.</p> + +<p>THIRTEENTH DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>3 A.M.--(<i>From the American, Consul</i>.)--Yesterday a Cuban boy threw a +stone at a dog belonging to one of the volunteers. The dog ran away. All +is quiet in the city, and elsewhere on the island.</p> + +<p>At this point we were compelled to go to press. The above dispatches, +however, furnish the latest and only reliable intelligence from Cuba.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="07.jpg (170K)" src="images/07.jpg" height="862" width="648"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>A Good Turn Meant.</h3> + +<p>THERE is some talk of reviving the Tournament in this region, and the +young men are expected to show their skill in "riding at the ring." If +our young men were to put any number of good sharp lances through a few +of our City Rings, they would be noble and chivalrous fellows, surely.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>The Dumb Beasts' Friend.</h3> + +<p>Mr. BERGH, the philodoggist, is an honest oracle in his way, and when he +opes his mouth we hope no cur will be ungrateful enough to bark. He says +in his last lecture that dumb animals are creatures like unto himself. +That accounts for Mr. BERGH being Deer to the quadrupeds, and such a +Terrier to their enemies.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>Land and Water.</h3> + +<p>An Ocean Cable Company has just asked Congress for a grant of lands. The +request is natural, as the Company, of course, wants to see its cable +well Landed.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>The Kellogg Testimonial.</h3> + +<p>Gifts should be seasonable. We therefore signify our highest approval of +the judgment of those "keyind" friends who lately gave to Miss CLARA +LOUISE KELLOGG, our own beloved nightingale, an elegant "Fruit +Receiver." Birds, as a rule, are prohibited by law from partaking of +fruit, but that is only while it is the on branches; and, perhaps, if +EVE had only possessed an elegant "Fruit Receiver," she might have put +the apple into it, instead of eating that most unfortunate pippin, so +greatly to human distress and detriment. And, now that Miss CLARA has +such a beautiful article to hold them, we suggest that, at her next +benefit, instead of the fading and comparatively worthless bouquets, she +be presented with a bushel of the very best pippins--and we intend to do +it.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>Latest About Garibaldi.</h3> + +<p>It is stated, now, that GARIBALDI, foiled in his attempts to join the +Italian insurgents, is about to throw himself, sword in hand, among the +Red River malcontents. This rumor has its origin, probably, in the fact +that GARIBALDI usually wears a red shirt.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="08.jpg (127K)" src="images/08.jpg" height="911" width="602"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>Stridor Dentium.</h3> + +<p>The Massachusetts Dentists (excellent men, not to be spoken of without a +shudder) have been holding an annual meeting in Boston. They talked, +discussed, suggested and explained; and then, to show that they were +physicians who could heal themselves, they partook together of a most +beautiful dinner. We are not told so, but we suppose that the viands on +this occasion were of the very toughest description--geese of venerable +age, fried heel tops, and beef like unto the beef of a boarding-house. +Whether, considering their facilities for mastication, a landlord should +not charge the members of a Dental Association double, is a question for +casuists.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>English News.</h3> + +<p>It is noted, as a very remarkable fact, that "the Member of Parliament +for Sheffield first entered that town as an Italian image boy." He was +the image of his mother.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>In the Air.</h3> + +<p><i>Voice at Rome</i>. "I am the infallible PIO Nono."</p> + +<p><i>Echo, everywhere</i>. "'No! no!'"</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>Ancient Inscription on the Throne of Spain.</h3> + +<p>M. T.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>THE ROBINS.</h2> +<p>[<i>Compare a much more "poetic" effusion, under this head, in all the +American newspapers</i>.]</p> + + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<br> +<p> There's a screech upon the housetop, a creak upon the plain,<br> + It's a libel on the sunshine, its a slander on the rain;<br> + And through my brain, in consequence, there darts a horrid thought<br> + Of exasperating wheelbarrows, and signs, with torture fraught!<br> + So, all these breezy mornings through my teeth is poured the strain:<br> + <i>Confound the odious "Robins," that have now come back again!</i></p> +<br> +<p> They bring a thought of strawberries, which I shall never taste;<br> + Plums, cherries, ditto, ditto, which these maurauders waste--<br> + Who never <i>will</i> catch worms and flies, as smaller "warblers" do,<br> + But want precisely those nice things which grow for me and you!<br> + I muse on all their robberies, and mutter this fierce strain:<br> + <i>Confound these odious "Robins," that have now come back again!</i></p> +<br> +<p> Oh, bah! What bosh these "poets" write, about this humbug pet!<br> + Firstly, they're <i>not</i> true "Robins," but a base, inferior set;<br> + Second, there is no music in their creaking, croaking shriek;<br> + Third, they are slow and stupid--common birds from tail to beak!<br> + Tis said, "they come so early." Well, I'd rather they'd come late.<br> + They're simply made for pot-pies, and deserve no better fate.</p> +<br> +<p> Who ever thought to welcome the ingenious, sprightly Wren?<br> + With his pretty, joyous carol, which should thrill the heart of men?<br> + Now <i>that</i> is <i>music</i>, mind you! And how small the throat that<br> + sings!<br> + Besides, he lets your fruit alone, and lives on other things!<br> + Inspired by this trim fairy, many souls will swell the strain:<br> + <i>Confound the odious "Robins," that have now come back again!</i></p> + + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>CAUTION!</h2> + +<p>There is shortly to arrive in Paris a dwarf aged about fifty-five years, +having a beard reaching to his feet, but with only one arm and a +completely bald head. He possesses 2,000,000 francs, which he is willing +to share with any young girl about twenty years old, who is pretty and +good tempered.</p> + +<p>The person above alluded is, unquestionably, our eldest son, Mr. +PUNCHINELLO, Jr. He is--we say it with many tears--as great a rascal as +any in the world, although no child was ever flogged more regularly and +affectionately. His conduct broke his mother's head; and he was put +under bonds to keep the peace at the age of two years. After a long +period of flagrant insubordination, he ran away with a part of our +money, and of his plunder he may possibly have 2,000,000 francs +left--but we don't believe it. This is to warn all tradesmen in Paris +from trusting him on our account, as we shall pay no debts of his +contracting.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="09.jpg (298K)" src="images/09.jpg" height="970" width="722"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>CONDENSED CONGRESS.</h2> + + + +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<img alt="10.jpg (80K)" src="images/10.jpg" height="600" width="385"> +</td><td> + + +<h3>SENATE.</h3> +<p>DRAKE quacked according to his custom--this time about the propriety of +hanging people in the Southern States. There were several people in +Missouri whom he particularly desired to see extinguished. He referred +to the fiends in human shape, whose hands were dripping with loyal gore, +and whom the unrepentant rebels of his State actually desired to send to +the Senate, in the place of himself. He lacked words to express his +sense of so gross an outrage. He thought that he could be comparatively +happy if forty thousand men were hanged or otherwise "disabled" from +voting against him. That would make his reëlection a pretty sure thing.</p> + +<p>Mr. FERRY said he really thought this thing had gone far enough. People +were coming to understand that the general run, he did not refer to Bull +Run, of the Northern army was just about as good, and no better, than +the general run, he did not refer to Gettysburgh, of the Southern army. +As for DRAKE, he was a <i>canard</i>, and his statement was another. He did +not approve of the bloody Drakonian code.</p> + +<p>Mr. MORTON said FERRY was very easily crossed. As for him he considered +that FERRY was a Copperhead.</p> + +<p>Mr. REVELS was in favor of removing disabilities as soon as it could be +done with safety. They all knew what he meant by safety. As soon as not +only his calling, which was formerly clerical, although now legislative, +and election were made sure, he was ready to let everybody vote. While +his election was doubtful, he was in favor of keeping out votes enough +to insure it. He believed that to be the view of every Senator. (Hear. +Hear.)</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> + +<p>Mr. SAWYER thought his opinion as good as REVELS'S, if he was white. He +considered that he was safe in South Carolina, and he disapproved of the +glut of Republican Southern Senators. Upon these grounds he went for the +removal of the disabilities.</p> + + + +<h3>HOUSE.</h3> + +<p>Mr. DAWES did a neat thing. He represented that the Naval Appropriation +bill contained a number of most nutritious jobs (as indeed it turned out +that it did.) Upon this hint SCHENCK agreed to let the tariff "pass" for +the present, though he reserved the right to order it up at any time. +Thereupon the astute DAWES moved to postpone it indefinitely, to the +huge disgust of Mr. SCHENCK, who said he ought to be ashamed of himself. +Here was the oyster pining for protection, the peanut absolutely +shrivelling on its stalk under the neglect of Congress, and the American +hook-and-eye weeping for being overrun by the imported article. He hoped +the pig-iron, whose claims they had refused to consider, might lie heavy +on their souls.</p> + +<p>KELLEY was too full of pig-iron for utterance.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>SPENCERIAN CHAFF.</h2> + +<h3>BY A CONFIRMED GRAHAMITE.</h3> +<br> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + + +<p> If, in the "opening" of my learnéd friend<br> + (Whose record I intend<br> + Most handsomely and warmly to defend,)<br> + You fancy that you now and then perceive<br> + A word or phrase one hardly can conceive<br> + Was uttered "by your leave;"<br> + If--going further in my supposition--<br> + You fancy his condition<br> + In some respects was not above suspicion;<br> + If (Ah! there's virtue in an "if" sometimes--<br> + As there may be in crimes,)<br> + You think it strange, what men will do for dimes;<br> + Why, it is plainly due<br> + To you,<br> + And noble SPENCER, too,<br> + That I should straightway boil with legal rage<br> + At such injustice, and at once engage<br> + To right the matter, on this virtuous page.</p> +<br> +<p> I fear, my captious friend,<br> + (To speak the truth,) you do not comprehend<br> + The Majesty of Law!<br> + Of Reason it is clearly the Perfection!<br> + It is not merely Jaw!<br> + Great Heaven! (excuse the interjection,)<br> + If for this thing you have no greater awe,<br> + You need correction!<br> + Pray, do you fully realize, good Sir,<br> + The Legal is a Gentlemanly cur?<br> + True, we are sometimes forced to treat a Judge<br> + As though he were a plain American.<br> + But, fudge!<br> + <i>He</i> never minds; he's not a gentleman!<br> + True, it is now and then our legal lot<br> + To teach a stupid witness what is what,<br> + Or show that he (or she)<br> + Is rather worse than he (or she) should be;<br> + We find it necessary,<br> + Very,<br> + To blacken what we have no doubt is white,<br> + And whiten what is very black indeed.<br> + Agreed!</p> +<br> +<p> But ask the Client what <i>he</i> thinks is right!<br> + He may not care to see us fairly <i>fight,</i><br> + (It <i>is not</i> a pleasant sight,)<br> + Or hear us curse till all is black as night,<br> + For the whole Jury might perchance take fright;<br> + But <i>he</i> knows whether he is ably served!<br> + Stern Duty's line, he'll tell you (if he's bright)<br> + Is always either angular or curved.<br> + Now, pray, no bosh<br> + About the <i>habit of defending crime</i><br> + Dulling the sensibilities in time!<br> + The theory won't wash!<br> + Once place my colleague on the other side,<br> + You'd say, This lawyer should be deified!<br> + Oh, what a conscience he would then reveal!<br> + Sinners would tremble at his dread appeal!<br> + You would perceive<br> + (At least, you would be ready to believe,)<br> + That, noting all the most abhorred deeds<br> + Known to our records, this affair must needs<br> + Be judged the blackest. Nothing like, since Cain.<br> + And then, again----</p> +<br> +<p> But, pshaw! coming to look at you, I see<br> + You're one of those odd folks who don't agree<br> + With <i>any</i> body. <i>You</i> are not to pass<br> + On these high questions; plainly, you're an ass.<br> + I'd like to have you on the stand a minute!<br> + You'd think the deuce was in it!<br> + <i>I'd</i> shake the humdrums out of you, I guess!<br> + You'd presently confess<br> + You thought that No was Yes.<br> + It's just your sort--provided there's no hurry--<br> + We like to worry.<br> + In twenty minutes, Sir, you wouldn't know<br> + Your father from JIM CROW,<br> + Or your illiterate self from LINDLEY MURRAY!<br> + And now then, dunce,<br> + Please move your boots, at once!<br> + If 'twere not for some twinges of the gout,<br> + I'd <i>kick</i> you out!</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + +<br><hr><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="11.jpg (169K)" src="images/11.jpg" height="824" width="649"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>OUR PORTFOLIO.</h2> + +<p>Since "gin-and-milk" has been declared to be an uncanonical beverage, +much uncertainty prevails among the brethren of the cloth as to what +refreshment would be considered orthodox and proper. There is no doubt +that some men are so constituted as to require fluid aids to religion. +To deprive them of it would be to strike a blow at popular piety. As the +laborer is worthy of his hire, so is the minister, whose throat becomes +parched by reason of much exhortation, worthy of the liquid balm which +is to renew his powers and strengthen his organs. PUNCHINELLO has had +under consideration the question of inventing some drink which might +happily satisfy the wants of the thirsty and avoid the scandal which +"gin-and-milk" has created among the godly. Many correspondents have +suggested to him various decoctions, but, as they all involved +spirituous ingredients, he has felt compelled to reject them. After +considerable trial, he flatters himself, however, that he has fallen +upon a discovery which may remove every objection. It is very simple, +and that of itself should be a strong recommendation.</p> + +<p>Take some raw potatoes; thoroughly extract the juice; mix with it about +three ounces of horse-radish, (this to give it pungency,) flavor the +same with any aromatic root to suit the taste, and then let the whole +boil for one hour. After cooling, tightly bottle the mixture, and within +twenty-four hours it will be fit for use. The process then will be to +drink it in the same quantity that one would take either gin or whisky, +being careful to hold to the nose during the act of swallowing, a sponge +well saturated with pure alcohol. Between the pungency communicated to +the taste by the horse-radish and the fumes of the spirit invading the +nasal avenues, the illusion of a good "square drink" will be complete.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<p>An instance of singularly vitiated taste has just come to the knowledge +of PUNCHINELLO. A caterer in Baxter Street provides juvenile boot-blacks +with the hind legs of rats, and declares that his guests eat them with +great avidity and experience no ill effects. They are rolled in +pulverized crackers, and cooked in lard. The dish is considered a great +dainty, and is only within the reach of the aristocratic portions of +that community. One chief cause of this culinary success is the fact +that the provider keeps the knowledge of it to himself, going upon the +French principle of "eat what's put before you and ask no questions." +Fried horse liver has risen to great popularity with Americans in Paris, +owing to the adoption of a similar caution. Fastidious tourists have +been known to smack their lips over horse tenderloin, under the +impression that the peculiarity of its flavor was to be attributed +entirely to the devices of a Parisian <i>cuisine</i>.</p> + +<p>This pleasant hypothesis has unquestionably prevented many a stomach +from revolting, and increased the reputation of French cooks. It is +related of the astronomer LALANDE that he often ate caterpillars and +spiders, affirming that the former tasted like almonds and the latter +like walnuts; but no American who ever feasted inadvertently on horse +liver or a savory sirloin of the same flesh, has yet been found to +acknowledge the fact, much less to promote a taste for it by any +seductive comparison. The Baxter Street purveyor imitates the Parisian +<i>restaurateur</i> in the mystery with which he surrounds his art, and so +both prosper.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.</h2> + +<p><i>Georgia</i>. Mistaken. The columns of PUNCHINELLO are not for sale. If you +want to buy editorial columns you should apply to the managers of the +Washington <i>Chronicle</i>. For tariff of rates consult Governor BULLOCK of +your State, who is thoroughly informed on the subject.</p> + +<p><i>Anxious Inquirer</i>. Our story of the "Mystery of Mr. E. DROOD," will +shortly be published in weekly parts, and it would be unfair to Mr. +DICKENS as well to Mr. ORPHEUS C. KERR to tell you the Mystery.</p> + +<p><i>Traveller</i>. We believe that the Street Car Conductors are obliged to +pass a preliminary examination in packing herrings, before a car is +given to them.</p> + +<p><i>Dramatical</i>. Can you tell me the origin of the expression, "Let's have +a smile," meaning of course, to take a drink?--Yes; it is from <i>Julius +Caesar</i>, where CASSIUS says to BRUTUS:<br> + --"Farewell BRUTUS!<br> + If we do meet again we'll Smile, indeed."<br> +<i>Act V. Scene 1.</i></p> + +<p><i>Hoyle</i>. The old remark, "When in doubt play a trump," has fallen +through, as, when in doubt, the player generally plays the Deuce.</p> + +<p><i>Henry Jones</i>. No. You are wrong. <i>Sic semper tyrannis, does not</i> mean +<i>"Tyrants are always sick."</i></p> + +<p><i>Villikens</i>. Mr. HORACE GREELEY, although an intimate personal friend of +WESTON, the pedestrian, is not, as you suppose, the Compiler of WALKER'S +Dictionary.</p> + +<p><i>Cornet</i>. The critic was wrong in attributing "freshness" to the air of +"Walking down Broadway." If you walk down Broadway at this season you +will find the air any thing but fresh.</p> + +<p><i>Gin-and-Milk</i>. It is a mistake. THEODORE TILTON never sang Comic Songs +in a Houston Street Free-and-Easy.</p> + +<p><i>Chutney</i>. Somebody has been "selling" you. BABOO BRAHMIN CHUNDER SEN is +not a relation of HANS CHRISTIAN ANDERSEN.</p> + +<p><i>Sculp</i>. Is it in your power to give the proportions of a perfect human +figure?</p> + +<p><i>Answer</i>. Your question implies a doubt of the genius of a great +American Sculptor. It is <i>in</i> our Power. Look at his figure of the Greek +Slave.</p> + +<p><i>Richard III</i>. My friends think that I have a decided talent for the +stage. How can I be fitted for it?</p> + +<p><i>Answer</i>. By a theatrical costumer. Pay great attention to "Measure for +Measure."</p> + +<p><i>Debrett</i>. Who were the Knight's Companions of the Bath?</p> + +<p><i>Answer</i>. Towels and Soap.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="12.jpg (141K)" src="images/12.jpg" height="718" width="528"> +</center> + + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> +<br> + +<p> 'Tis true the Empire's Capital, the centre of authority,<br> + Went against me in a fit of Red Republican romance;<br> + But the Provinces in rolling up their glorious majority<br> + Have proved, despite of precedents, that Paris is not France.</p> +<br> +<p> Self-contained and unembarrassed, I awaited at the Tuileries<br> + The issue, for I trusted the Nation's Common Sense;<br> + And although the rowdy <i>Faubourgs</i> tried a few of their Tom-fooleries,<br> + My soldiers soon let light into each trumpery defence.</p> +<br> +<p> I smile in cold contempt at the Old-time Barricade tricks--<br> + Each street, did I so order, were a cannon-swept defile,<br> + I've bound Fortune to my Chariot, and defying all her jade tricks,<br> + More in pity that in anger hear the roar of the <i>Canaille</i>.</p> +<br> +<p> The <i>Drapeau Rouge is down</i>--HUGO, BLANC and LEDRU ROLLIN<br> + Are as harmless as three kittens with their teeth and talons drawn;<br> + And now my own loved France, with returns from every poll in,<br> + I bid thee hail of Liberty the true and genial dawn.</p> +<br> +<p> Though the Left's intemperate oracles, political and clerical,<br> + Deny there's force or purpose in the People's mighty "Aye!"<br> + They stultify their principles, for by ordeal numerical<br> + Their Creed declares all policy should either live or die.</p> +<br> +<p> To France I said, "My Country, behold I freely tender thee<br> + All swords e'er won for freedom in the ages long ago,<br> + All prerogatives that clash with it I offer to surrender thee,<br> + Wilt take or spurn the guerdon? prithee, answer 'yes' or 'no.'"</p> +<br> +<p> She has answered, France has answered, in thunderings articulate,<br> + From the Alps and either Seaboard, to the Pyrenees, the Rhine;<br> + And though a horde of demagogues may bellow and gesticulate,<br> + They <i>know</i> this is a victory of the PEOPLE'S RIGHT DIVINE.</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>The Dominion Again.</h3> + +<p>What a set of grumblers the Canadians are. They seem never to be +satisfied with their public men. First they were berating the minister +of Justice for too large a practice at the Bar. Now they have turned +their attention to the gentleman (Mr. LANGEVIN) who is to engineer the +domestic relations between the Confederate Provinces, on the ground of +looking after his own Domestic Relations first. Surely, this is +"factious opposition," as their Mr. HOLTON would say.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>SCIENCE FOREVER!</h2> + +<p>MR. PUNCHINELLO is pleased to observe that there is to be a meeting of +the Western Social Science Association in Chicago, and he hereby +announces his intention of attending as a Volunteer Delegate. He will, +if he is well treated by the Convention, so that he may reach the +elevation of soul necessary, read exhaustive and exhausting papers on +the following subjects:</p> + +<p>1. On the complete removal of the buildings now constituting the City of +Washington to Chicago.</p> + +<p>2. On Free Drinks; their origin, history, purpose, and influence.</p> + +<p>3. On a curious fluid known as Drinking-Water; observed in other parts +of the world, but entirely unknown in Chicago.</p> + +<p>4. On Virtue its Own Reward, as exemplified in the Lives and Adventures +of the Chicago Police.</p> + +<p>5. On the Various Smells to be observed in Chicago (with pungent +experiments.)</p> + +<p>6. On the Exact Trigonometrical Measurement of a Corner in Grain.</p> + +<p>7. On the feasibility of working an Elevator entirely by whisky power.</p> + +<p>MR. PUNCHINELLO has prepared forty-nine other papers on different +scientific subjects, including Pugilism, Base Ball, the Velocipede, +Female Suffrage, and Lake Navigation; and he now awaits on invitation +from Chicago to come on with his largest drum and his most melodious +trumpet. He is aware of the general impression among the Children of the +West that they already know every thing. He hastens to assure them that +they labor under the most hideous of delusions.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>A Midsummer Reading of Shakspeare.</h3> +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + + +<p> It must have been in "fly-time" that Shakspeare wrote--<br> + "When we have Shoo-flied off this mortal coil."</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + +<br><hr><br> + +<p>A Dead Beat to the Windward.</p> + +<p>MR. ASHBURY of "Cambria" fame.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>THE FISHERY QUESTION.</h2> + +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<img alt="13.jpg (87K)" src="images/13.jpg" height="607" width="401"> + +</td><td> + + +<p>Some trouble with regard to the Gulf fisheries appears to be +anticipated, and loud calls are being made upon Government by the +fishermen, who demand that immediate steps be taken for securing their +rights. The unmasterly inactivity of President GRANT, in the matter, is +considered by the fishermen as indicating a want of Porpus. They are +also very much chagrined with the Government for sending out to the +fishing-banks a dispatch boat bearing the inappropriate name of +"Frolic." There is a levity about this quite out of keeping with the +serious character of the question, and it is doubtful whether the +fishermen would not prefer a fight on the banks to a Frolic.</p> + +<p>Although the Government appears to Flounder sadly in the mud-banks of +this fishery question, still there is some hope that coercive measures +may yet be taken for restraining the Dominion fishermen from having +every thing on their own hook. Rumor has it that the monitor +Miantonomah, Captain SCHUFELDT, is awaiting orders for a cruise to the +troubled waters. This will doubtless prove to be a very summary and +complete way of settling the difficulty, inasmuch as a few broadsides +from the huge thunderer referred to would kill every fish upon the +banks, and blacken each particular fisherman into an OTHELLO with an +"occupation gone." The Canadian fishermen, of course, would suffer +equally with those of our own shores. They are a light-hearted people, +though, are these Canadians, fond of music and dancing, and they would +doubtless find consolation for their troubles by addressing the skipper +of the Miantonomah in a grand MASANIELLO strain, chorussed with +"SCHUFELDT don't bother us!"</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> + +<br><hr><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="14.jpg (193K)" src="images/14.jpg" height="823" width="653"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>OF MYTHOLOGY.</h2> + +<p>Mythology is the term by which the ancient Greek or Roman used to +distinguish hiss religion from the rival religions of other and +heretical pagans. Just as Orthodoxy, according to DEAN SWIFT, means "my +doxy," and Heterodoxy, the doxy of other people; so the pious Roman used +to speak of "my thology" as the only genuine religion; the "thologies" +of other men being cheap and worthless counterfeits of the real article. +The classic mythology had a large and varied assortment of deities, from +which every man could select a supply to suit himself. Thus the lawyer +could place a bust of Mercury, the god of chicanery, in his office, and +so secure the patronage of the god and save the expense of a tin sign +announcing his profession. The editor could dedicate his paper to the +service of Janus, the two-faced deity, and thus pursue his business +without perilling his reputation for religious consistency. The +advantages of this sort of thing need hardly be enlarged upon.</p> + +<p>We propose to give easy and familiar descriptions of the more important +gods of classic mythology, for the benefit of our younger readers. We +therefore begin without further delay, with the chief deities of +Olympus, the celestial Tammany Hall of the period. The Olympians formed +a sort of Ring which governed the entire celestial and infernal world, +and as they were the only judges of elections, they retained the power +undisturbed.</p> + +<p>JUPITER. This individual was a jolly, good-tempered, old Olympian who +lived in great terror of his wife, JUNO, and was sadly addicted to +surreptitious beer, and undignified flirtations with the female +servants. He was fond of disguising himself, and staying out late at +night in search of adventures. It is difficult, however, to believe that +he really disguised himself as a swan, in order to present his bill to +LEDA. The story, doubtless, originated in the fact that JUNO called him +"an old goose," to which he very probably replied that "other woman +appreciated him better, and that LEDA, for example, would be more apt to +call him a duck or a swan, than a degraded and abject goose." So, too, +in regard to the story that he disguised himself as a bull, and in that +eccentric costume made love to EUROPA. One legend expressly states that +he pretended to be an Irish bull. This is, of course, a figurative way +of saying that he proclaimed himself an Irish gentleman, a descendant of +BRIEN BORU and a graduate of Trinity College. EUROPA was probably a +child's nurse, and the fascinating Irish gentleman was accustomed to +meet her in the Park, and enliven her with his national witticisms. One +can easily believe that he made love to DANAE by throwing a shower of +gold in her lap--a story which shows that women were much the same in +ancient times as they are to day. There is no denying that JUPITER was a +sad old dog, and that he would have been killed a dozen times by insane +husbands had he not been immortal. However, he was pretty severely +punished by JUNO, who was the leader of the Olympian Sorosis, and who +used to hear of all his disreputable flirtations from the respectable +spinsters of that Wild Goddess Association, and would keep him awake +night after night, with curtain lectures on the subject. JUPITER was, +<i>ex-officio</i>, the chairman of the Olympian Society, and he once crushed +a rebellion of the Titans, who were the Roughs of the period, by locking +them out of the Olympian Hall, and shying all sorts of heavy missiles, +such as charters--a Greek word signifying a mountainous burden--out of +the upper chamber at them. He had a large number of relatives whom he +placed in all the fat offices, and though there was some dissatisfaction +with his government, it was generally agreed that he was better fitted +for his position than anyone of the Titans would have been. No one knows +what was the ultimate fate of JUPITER. He was, however, dethroned by the +Emperor CONSTANTINE, and was never afterwards heard of; though it is +well known that the inhabitants of certain inland counties of New Jersey +still believe in his existence, and have not yet heard of CONSTANTINE'S +reformation.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>Imperial Conundrum with an Irreconcilable Answer.</h3> + +<p>Why is Paris the greatest place in the world for the prosecution of +newspaper enterprises?</p> + +<p>Because there all newspaper enterprises are prosecuted.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>A Hanging that Ought to be "Played Out."</h3> + +<p>That practised by the "hanging committee" of the Academy of Design.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>Apropos of Theodora Thomas' Concerts.</h3> + +<p>Come into the garden Maudlin.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>TO OUR READERS.</h2> + +<p>Many complaints have been made to the Publishers of PUNCHINELLO +regarding the price asked for the paper by news-dealers in some parts of +this city, as well as elsewhere--viz.: Fifteen Cents a single copy.</p> + +<p>Now, the price of a single copy of PUNCHINELLO is Ten Cents, and no +newsman has a right to charge more for one, seeing that his profit on it +at the regular price is equal to that made by him on any other +illustrated paper.</p> + +<p>However gratifying it may be to us to know that our paper is considered +by dealers as being more valuable than any other one of a similar class, +it has become necessary for us to correct the abuse referred to. The +best way of effecting this is for our readers to send in their +subscriptions directly to this office. To every subscriber who sends in +$4, PUNCHINELLO shall be sent for one year, together with a splendid +premium; particulars respecting which will be found on last page of this +number.</p> + +<p>By following this arrangement, readers will get the paper regularly at +their respective addresses, and will avoid the possibility of being +imposed on.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="15.jpg (248K)" src="images/15.jpg" height="1117" width="749"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="16.jpg (280K)" src="images/16.jpg" height="1124" width="762"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<br><hr><br><br><br><br> + + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, Issue 10, +Saturday, June 4, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, JUNE 4, 1870 *** + +***** This file should be named 9544-h.htm or 9544-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/9/5/4/9544/ + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra Brown, and Project +Gutenberg Distributed Proofreaders from material generously +made available by Cornell University + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, Issue 10, Saturday, June 4, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Posting Date: January 18, 2013 [EBook #9544] +Release Date: December, 2005 +First Posted: October 7, 2003 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, JUNE 4, 1870 *** + + + + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra Brown, and Project +Gutenberg Distributed Proofreaders from material generously +made available by Cornell University + + + + + + + + + + + +PUNCHINELLO, Vol. I, Issue 10 + +SATURDAY, JUNE 4, 1870. + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK. + + + + + +[Illustration: Vol. I. No. 10.] + + + + + + +CONANT'S + +_PATENT BINDERS_ + +FOR + +"PUNCHINELLO," + +to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent, post-paid, on receipt +of One Dollar, by + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +83 Nassau Street, New York City. + + * * * * * + +TO NEWS-DEALERS. + +PUNCHINELLO'S MONTHLY. + +THE FIVE NUMBERS FOR APRIL, + +Bound in a Handsome Cover, + +IS NOW READY. Price, Fifty Cents. + +THE TRADE + +SUPPLIED BY THE + +AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, + +Who are now prepared to receive Orders. + + * * * * * + +HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S + +STEEL PENS. + +These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper +than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is called +to the following grades, as being better suited for business purposes +than any Pen manufactured. The + +"505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," + +We recommend for bank and office use. + +D. APPLETON & CO., + +_Sole Agents for United States_. + + * * * * * + +[Sidenote: See 15th page for Extra Premiums.] + + * * * * * + +_Will Shortly appear: Our New Serial, written expressly for +Punchinello, +by ORPHEUS C. KERR, Entitled, "The Mystery of Mr. E. Drood." To be +continued weekly during this year._ + + +APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN + +"PUNCHINELLO" + +Should be addressed to + +J. NICKINSON, + +Room No. 4, + +83 NASSAU STREET. + + * * * * * + +Notice to Ladies. + +DIBBLEE, + +Of 854 Broadway, + +Has just received a large assortment of all the latest styles of + +Chignons, Chatelaines, etc. + +FROM PARIS. + +Comprising the following beautiful varieties: + +La Coquette, La Plenitude, Le Bouquet, + +La Sirene, L'Imperatrice etc., + +At prices varying from $2 upward. + + * * * * * + +PHELAN & COLLENDER, + +MANUFACTURERS OF + +Standard American Billiard Tables. + +WAREROOMS AND OFFICE, + +738 BROADWAY, NEW-YORK. + + * * * * * + +NEW-YORK CITIZEN + +AND + +ROUND TABLE, + +A Literary, Political, and Sporting paper, with + +the best writers in each department. Published every Saturday. + +PRICE--Ten Cents. + +32 Beckman Street. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: [Hercules with club and Apple of the Hesperides] +COPYRIGHT SECURED.] + +HERCULES MUTUAL +LIFE ASSURANCE +SOCIETY +OF THE UNITED STATES. + +No. 240 Broadway, New-York. + +POLICIES NON-FORFEITABLE. + +All Policies + +Entitled to Participation in Profits. + +Dividends Declared Annually. + + +JAMES D. REYMERT, President. + +ASHER S. MILLS, +Secretary. + +THOMAS H. WHITE, M.D., +Medical Examiner. + +ACTIVE AGENTS WANTED. + + * * * * * + +THE +MERCHANTS +Life Insurance Company +OF NEW-YORK. + +OFFICE, 257 BROADWAY, + +ORGANIZED UNDER THE LAWS OF THE STATE OF NEW-YORK. + +Issues all kinds of Life and Endowment Policies on the Mutual System, free +from restriction on travel and occupation, which permit residence +anywhere without extra charge. + +Premiums may be paid annually, semi-annually, or quarterly in cash. + +All Policies are non-forfeitable, and participate in the profits of the +Company. + +Dividends are made annually, on the Contribution plan. + +Pamphlets containing Rates of Premium, and information on the subject of +Life Insurance, may be obtained at the office of the Company, or any of +its Agents. + +Parties desiring to represent this Company in the capacity of Agents +will please address the New-York Office. + + +WILLIAM T. PHIPPS + +_President_. + +A.D. HOLLY, _Secretary_. + +HENRY HILTON, _Counsel_. + +O.S. PAINE, M. D. _Medical Examiner_ + +C.H. KING, M.D. _Asst. Med Ex._ + + +_Each Agent in direct communication with the New-York Office._ + + * * * * * + +Mercantile Library + +Clinton Hall, Astor Place, + +NEW-YORK. + + +This is now the largest circulating Library in America, the number of +volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 volumes are added each +month; and very large purchases are made of all new and popular works. + +Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each delivery. + + +TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP: + +TO CLERKS, + +$1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues. + +TO OTHERS, $5 a year. + +SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR + +SIX MONTHS. + + +BRANCH OFFICES + +AT + +NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK, + +AND AT + +Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth. + + * * * * * + +AMERICAN + +BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, + +AND + +SEWING-MACHINE CO., + +572 and 574 Broadway, New-York. + + +This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on +all the former machines, making, in addition to all work done on best +Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful + +BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES, + +in all fabrics. + +Machine, with finely finished + +OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER + +complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts, $50. This last +is beyond all question the simplest, easiest to manage and to keep in +order, of any machine in the market. Machines warranted, and full +instruction given to purchasers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HENRY SPEAR. PRINTER-LITHOGRAPHER STATIONER +BLANK BOOK MANUFACTURER. 82 WALL ST. NEW YORK.] + + * * * * * + +J. NICKINSON + +begs to announce to the friends of + +"PUNCHINELLO" + +residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has +Made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of + +ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED. + +the same will be forwarded, postage paid. + +Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing Houses +can have the same forwarded by inclosing two stamps. + +OFFICE OF + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. + +83 Nassau Street, + +[P.O. Box 2783.] + + * * * * * + +[ILLUSTRATION: WHAT WE MAY CONFIDENTLY LOOK FOR. + +_Jurywoman_. "I BEG TO INTERRUPT THE COURT WITH THE REQUEST THAT, BEFORE +THE CASE PROCEEDS ANY FURTHER, THE SHERIFF BE DIRECTED TO PROVIDE THE +JURYMAN ON MY RIGHT WITH A BOTTLE OF LURIN'S EXTRACT, OTHERWISE THE +FEMALE MEMBERS OF THE JURY WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE +CONSEQUENCES," etc., etc.] + + * * * * * + +A CONSISTENT LEAGUE. + +Immediately upon McFarland's acquittal, the Union League of Philadelphia +determined to give a grand ball. And they did it. And, what is more, +they intend to do it every time the majesty of any kind of Union is +vindicated. Except, of course, the union of the "Iron interest" and the +public good. + +One of the most valuable and instructive features of this ball was, the +grand opportunity it offered to the members of the League to show their +respect and affection for the spirit of the Fifteenth Amendment, +Accordingly, they invited a large number of colored ladies and +gentlemen, and the accursed spirit of caste was completely exorcised by +the exercises of the evening. The halls were grandly decorated with +blackberry and gooseberry bushes, and other rare plants; sumptuous +fountains squirted high great streams of XX ale and gin-and-milk; +enormous piles of panned oysters, lobster salad, Charlotte Russe, and +rice-pudding blocked up half the doorways, while within the dancing hall +the merriment was kept up grandly. The ball was opened by a grand +Cross-match waltz in which Hon. MORTON MCMICHAEL and Mrs. DINAH J--N; +GEORGE H. BOKER and Miss CHLOE P--T--N; WILLIAM D. KELLEY and Aunty Di. +LU-V-I-A-N; A. BORIE and Miss E. G--N; Gen. TYNDALE and Miss MAY OR--TY, +and several other distinguished couples twirled their fantastic toes in +the most reckless _abandon_. Virginia reels, Ole Kentucky break-downs, +and other characteristic dances diversified the ordinary Terpsichorean +programme, and the dancing was kept up to a late hour. It was truly +gratifying to every consistent supporter of the enfranchisement of the +African race, to see such gentlemen as _Senator_ REVELS, FREDERICK +DOUGLASS, Mr. PURVIS, and other prominent colored citizens, in the halls +of this patriotic and thoroughly American Society. The members of the +League were evidently of the opinion that it would be a most flagrant +shame, on an occasion of this kind, for them to deny to their colored +fellow citizens the rights and privileges that they are so anxious shall +be accorded them by every one else; and, while they do not believe that +they are bound to invite any one--black or white--to their private +reunions on account of political considerations, they do not attempt to +deny that, on an occasion of this kind--a celebration in fact of the +success of a political party--it would be most shameful to ostracize the +very citizens for whom that party labored and conquered. Therefore it +was that they so warmly welcomed, within their gorgeous halls, their +colored fellow-citizens, and by so doing won for themselves the +approbation of every consistent American. It was one of the most +affecting sights of the evening to see these gentlemen of the League, +nobly trampling under their feet all base considerations of color and +caste, and walking arm and arm with their colored sisters; smelling the +exotics; admiring the groups of statuary; sipping the coffee and the +punch; pricing the crimson curtains; inhaling the perfumes from the +cologne-water fountains; ascending and descending the grand walnut +staircase (arranged for this occasion only); listening to the birds in +the conservatories; and fixing their hair in the magnificent +dressing-rooms. When, in the midst of the festivities the band struck up +the beautiful air, "Ask me no more!" the honored guests of color looked +at each other with pleasant smiles which seemed to denote a perfect +satisfaction. And so, whatever may be said of the friends of the colored +race in other parts of the country, it must be universally admitted that +the Union League of Philadelphia has done its duty! + + * * * * * + +Good Reading for Topers. + +MR. GREELEY's "Recollections of a Boozy Life." + + * * * * * + +Sporting Intelligence. + +A NEWSPAPER item says that "a Mexican offers to shoot JUAREZ for $200." + +That's nothing. TAYLOR, of Jersey City, offers to shoot any man in the +world for $2000. + + * * * * * + +The Favorite Drink of the Canadian Government. + +CABINET Whiskey. + + * * * * * + +Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District +Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New-York. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE.] + +The public still labor under misapprehensions of our character and +calling. We are in daily receipt of letters of the most heterogeneous +description, the task of answering which we are compelled to utterly +forego. + +We subjoin a few specimens: + +"MR. PUNCHINELLO. _Dear Sir_: My wife died yesterday, and would you be +so kind as to come and make her will? I would not give you the trouble +of coming, but the young woman I intend to marry next is going away +to-morrow, and I don't want to leave home. My wife had five hundred +dollars which I want left to me, and a feather bed, which you may divide +amongst the children. + +"Yours in affliction, + +"SOLOMON SNIPP." + + +"SIR: I calculate to give a funeral down at my place shortly, that is, +if things go right; but we have no preacher to do the work. Would you +please to send us one? Not particular what kind, so long as the work is +_sure_. Party is not dead yet, but I make arrangements beforehand as I +expect to be insane. Good pay for good work. + +"Sincerely, + +"P. MCFINIGAN. + +"P. S. Do preachers warrant their burials?" + + +"DEAR MR. PUNCHINELLO:--You were so good as to prescribe a hot pitch +plaster for the baby's mouth. Next day I took the prescription to your +office, but failed to get it made up, as the devil, they told me, was +busy. Will you please inform me when you will be at leisure? Meanwhile +baby yells. + +"Yours truly, + +"C. PUGSBY. + +"P.S. _Later_. Mrs. PUGSBY says if I apply that plaster she will go +insane. True, she does not understand fire-arms, but then I should be +afraid to drink any coffee for a month. In the meantime, if the baby +keeps on, I shall go crazy myself; so there is likely to be a casualty +somewhere. What's to be done? Shall I bring the child to you? + +"C. P." + + +_Answer_. At your peril. Go crazy and shoot it; then we will go crazy +and turn counsel for the defence. The result will probably be that you +are handed over to the ladies to be kissed into reason; but if you would +rather be hung, you must do the shooting over in New-Jersey. + + * * * * * + +"BEAUTIFUL SNOW." + +Circumstances having rendered it probable that the dispute respecting +the authorship of the poem "Beautiful Snow" may shortly be revived, +PUNCHINELLO takes this opportunity of setting the public right on the +subject, and silencing further controversy regarding it for ever. + +It is the production of Mr. PUNCHINELLO, himself; was composed by him so +long ago as July, 1780, and copyrighted in August of the same year. It +may be asked how the idea of snow-flakes happened to occur to him in +July. That question is easily settled. The day was sultry; thermometer +98 deg. in the arbor. Drowsed by the sultry air--not to mention the iced +claret--Mr. PUNCHINELLO posed himself gracefully upon a rustic bench, +and slept. Presently the lovely lady who was fanning him, fascinated by +the trumpet tones that preceded from his nose, exclaimed: "Beautiful +Snore!" This was repeated to him when he awoke, and hence the origin of +the poem. + + * * * * * + +Fish Culture. + +The Grand Duke ALEXIS, of Russia, proposes to come to these shores and +inspect the American system of fish culture. With this end in view, he +will, of course, be the particular guest of Gen. GRANT, and will, no +doubt, be surprised to find that our principal FISH is a cultivated man. +But he will better understand our FISH system by witnessing its +operations in Spanish and Canadian waters, as also in those of Sault St. +Marie. + + * * * * * + +Linsey-Woolsey. + +The regular troops for the Canadian Red River Expedition have been +supplied by Gen. LINDSEY, and are commanded by Col. WOLSLEY--a fact +oddly co-incidental with the reported flimsy character of the +expedition, so far as it has gone. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TOO TRUE! Scene-Academy. Time-Spring of 70. Miss Smith. +"WHAT DOES 'N.A.' MEAN AFTER SOME OF THESE ARTISTS' NAMES?" Miss Brown. +"N.A. WHY IT MUST MEAN 'NEEDY ARTISTS.' POOR FELLOWS!"] + + * * * * * + +Bivalvulor Intelligence. + +It is stated that the clams along the Stratford shore are dying by +thousands of a malignant disease, which a correspondent of the +Bridgeport _Standard_ calls "clam cholera." This is a sad c'lamity for +the people of the Stratford shore. + + * * * * * + +The Fifteenth Amendment. + +The appointment of colored postmasters in Maryland may be all very well; +but PUNCHINELLO would like to know whether the Post-office authorities +intend to revive the custom of Blackmailing. + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +[Illustration: C] + +Comedy personified, in Mr. CLARKE, has now reigned at BOOTH'S for nearly +six weeks. During that time there has been a perceptible change in the +metaphorical atmosphere of the house. The audience no longer wears the +look of subdued melancholy which was once involuntarily assumed by each +mourner for the memory of SHAKSPEARE, who passed the solemn threshold. +The ushers no longer find it necessary to sustain their depressed +spirits by the surreptitious chewing of the quid of consolation, and are +now the most pleasant, as they were always the most courteous, of their +kind. Persons have even been heard, within the past week, to allude to +BOOTH'S as a "theatre," instead of a "temple of art;" and though the +convulsions of nature which attend the shifting of the scenery, and +cause castles to be violently thrown up by volcanic eruptions and +forests to be suddenly swallowed by gaping earthquakes, impart a certain +solemnity to the brightest of comedies, still there is a general +impression among the audience that BOOTH'S has become a place of +amusement. And in noting this change PUNCHINELLO does not mean to jeer +at the former and normal character of BOOTH'S. BEETHOVEN'S Seventh +Symphony, DANTE'S Inferno, JEFFERSON'S Rip Van Winkle, and EDWIN BOOTH'S +Hamlet are not amusing, but it does not follow that they are therefore +unworthy of the attention of the public, which is pleased with the +rattle of De Boots, and tickled with the straw of Toodles. + +FOX vs. GOOSE is a three act comedy in which Mr. CLARKE last week made +his audience laugh as freely as though the tomb-stones of all the +Capulets were not gleaming white and awful in the lamplight of the +property-room; or, at all events, would be gleaming if any body were to +hunt them up with a practicable lantern. The opening scene is the +tap-room of an inn, where Mr. FOX FOWLER, an adventurer, is taking his +ease and his unpaid-for gin-and-milk. + +_Enter Landlord, presenting his bill_. "Here, sir, you've been drinking +my beer for several years, and now I want you to pay for it." + +_Fox_. "My friend! why ask me to pay bills? Do you not perceive that I +wear a velvet coat? And, besides, even if I wanted to pay I could not +until my baggage, which I gave to an expressman ten years ago, shall +reach me. It will probably arrive in a month or two more." + +_Landlord_. "Here comes Sir GANDER GOSLING. I'll complain to him of your +conduct." + +(_Enter Sir Gander_.) + +_Fox_. "My dear Sir GANDER. Allow me to embrace you." + +_Sir Gander_. "I don't know you. I'm not my son JACK." + +_Fox_. "But I am Jack's dearest friend. I have saved him from drowning, +from matrimony, from reading the _Nation,_ from mothers-in-law, and all +other calamities mentioned in the litany." + +_Sir Gander_. "Describe him to me, if you know him so well." + +_Fox_. "He is tall, dark, slender, and quiet in manner." + +_Sir Gander_. "My dear fellow he is short, fat, light, and noisy. I am +convinced that you know him. Permit me to pay your bill, lend you money, +and tell you all about our dear JACK'S intended marriage." (_He pays, +lends, and narrates accordingly. A terrific rattling of dishpans +simulates the arrival of a train. Sir_ GANDER _departs and_ JACK GOSLING +_enters._) + +_Fox_. "My dear JACK, allow me to embrace you." + +_Jack_. "I don't know you. I'm not my father." + +_Fox_. "But I am your father's dearest friend. Sit down and have a +bottle of wine, and tell me all about ROSE MANDRAKE, your intends bride. +'Rose! Rose! the coal black Rose!' as MILTON finely remarks." (_They sit +down and_ JACK _immediately gets very drunk, thereby affording another +proof of the horribly adulterated condition of the liquor used on the +stage, which infallibly intoxicates an actor within two minutes after it +is imbibed. [Let the Excise authorities see to this matter.] Finally_ +JACK _falls, and the curtain immediately follows his example.) + +Critical Young Man, who reads all the theatrical "notices" in the Herald +in the leisure moments when he is not selling yards of tape and ribbon_. +"I don't think much of CLARKE. He ain't half the man that NED FORREST +is. There ain't a bit of spontanatious humor in him. Them San Francisco +Minstrels can beat him out of sight." + +_Accompanying Young Female Person_. "Yes, I think so, too. I hate to see +a man act drunk. It's so low and vulgar. I like pretty plays, like they +have at WALLACK'S." + +_Respectable Old Gentleman_. "PLACIDE--BLAKE--BURTON--" + +_Every Body Else_. "Well, this is real humor; I haven't laughed so much +since I heard BEECHER preach a funeral sermon." + +The second act takes place in the house of Major MANDRAKE. Fox has +successfully assumed the character of JACK GOSLING, and is having a +pleasant chat with the family, when the gardener enters to inform the +Major that a flock of crows is in sight. + +_Major Mandrake_. "I love the pleasures of the chase. Bring my gun, and +I will shoot the crows." (_He goes out, and shoots_ JACK, _who is +climbing over the gate. Re-enter Major and men carrying_ JACK.) + +_Major_. "Alas! I have missed the crow over the cornfield, and lost the +crow over my shooting which I would otherwise have had. Also I have shot +a man out of season, and the sportsmen's club will prosecute me." + +_Jack_. "I am not dead, though my appearance and conversation might +induce you to think so. My name is JACK GOSLING. The chap in the velvet +coat is an impostor." + +_Major, Fox, and other dramatis persons_. "Away with the wretch! He +himself is the impostor. Call a policeman who will club him if he makes +no resistance." + +JACK is dragged away, but perpetually returns and denounces his rival. +He is bitten by suppositious dogs cunningly simulated by stage +carpenters, who remark "bow wow" from behind the scenes. He is cut by +ROSE MANDRAKE, and also by rows of broken bottles, which line the top of +the wall on which he makes a perilous perch, not having a pole or rod +with which to defend himself against the dogs. He is challenged by Fox +and seconded by Miss BLANCHE BE BAR in naval uniform. Finally he takes +refuge in the china closet, and hurls cheap plates and saucers at his +foes. With the exhaustion of the supply of crockery, the act naturally +comes to an end, and, as frequently occurs in similar cases, the curtain +falls. + +_Comic Man_. "Why does CLARKE, when he slings china at the company, +remind you of the Paraguayan war? Of course you give it up. Because he +carries on a war on the Plate. Do you see it? Crockery plates and the +river Plate, you know. Ha! ha!" + +And two ushers, reinforced by a special policeman, drag the miserable +man away, and lead him to MAGONIGLE'S private room, there to be dealt +with for the hideous crime of making infamous jokes in BOOTH'S theatre. +He is never seen again, and so the Philadelphia _Day_ loses its +brightest ornament. + +The third act consists of a duel between JACK and FOX, each of whom is +too cowardly to fight. They therefore follow the safer example of rival +editors, and swear and scold at each other. At last a small millennium +of universal reconciliation takes place, and the usual old comedy "tag" +ends the play. + +(Parenthetically, why "tag?" Does it receive this name because its +invariable stupidity suggests those other worthless commodities "rag" +and "bob-tail," which, outside of theatres, are generally associated +with the name.) + +And every body goes away murmuring of the genial humor of CLARKE, the +magical violin of MOLLENHAUER, the elegance, convenience and comfort of +the theatre, the matchless memory of BOOTH'S Hamlet and Iago, and the +golden certainty of the coming of Rip Van Winkle. And every body is +supremely satisfied, and says to every body else, "This theatre needs +only a company, to be the foremost theatre of either continent." + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +Remarks by Our Stammering Contributor. + +The up-town theatrical sensation is, we hear, produced "regardless of +expense." We had reason to think that its managers would show more +Frou-frou-frugality. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PISCATORY DISCUSSION. + +_Uncle Walton_. "THAR! DIDN'T I TOLE YER? KNOW'D HE COULDN'T KETCH NO +FISH WID DAT 'AR BUGGY-WHIP OF A THING!" + +_Isaac_. "YAH! DON'T TALK!--WAIT TILL HE TURNS DAT 'AR CRANK, AND SEE IF +DE PEERCH DON'T COME A-WINDIN' IN!"] + + * * * * * + +COMIC ZOOLOGY. + +THE MONKEY TRIBE. + +Of this genus there are countless varieties, differing widely in the cut +of their monkey jackets, as the untravelled American naturalist will +doubtless have observed on traversing his native sidewalk. The educated +specimens met with in our cities are upon the whole well Organized, and +appear to have music in their soles. For its feats _a pied_, the tame +monkey is indebted to a Piedmontese who accompanies him. + +To behold the monkey race in their glory, however, they must be seen in +their native woods, where they dwell in genteel independence, enjoying +their entailed estates and living on their own cocoa nuts. There will be +found the Gibbon, whose Decline and Fall when yielding the Palm to some +aspiring rival is swifter than that of the Roman Empire; the Barberry +Ape, so called from feeding exclusively on Barberries; the +Chimpanzee--an African corruption of Jump-and-see, the name given to the +animal by his first European discoverers in compliment to his alertness; +the Baboon, a melancholy brute that, as you may observe from his visage, +always has the blues; to say nothing of a legion of Red Monkeys, which +are particularly Rum Customers. + +Some men of science have advanced the theory that man is the climactic +consequence of innumerable improvements of the monkey; the negro as he +now exists being the result of the Fifteenth Amendment. These +philosophers erect a sort of pyramid of progress, placing an Ape at the +base and a Caucasian at the Apex. This wild hypothesis of a monkey +apotheosis can of coarse only be regarded Jockolarly, in other words, +with a grin. Nevertheless the Marmozet is sufficiently like a little +Frenchwoman to be called a Ma'amoiselle, and there are (in New-Zealand +for instance) human heathen with a craving for the Divine, to whom the +Gorilla, though not a man, is certainly a brother. Possibly the Orang +Outang, if able to express his thoughts in an harangue, might say with +Mr. DICKENS, "I am very human." He certainly looks it. + +There is a strong facial resemblance among the simious races--_Simia +Similibus_. This likeness does not, however, extend in all cases to the +opposite extremity. Some monkeys have no tails. Of the tailless Apes it +is said that they originally erased their rear appendages by too much +sitting--perhaps as members of the "Rump" in some Anthropoid Congress. +Be that as it may, the varieties that have retained their tails seem +disposed to hang on to them, and will doubtless continue to do so by +hook or by crook. + +The natives of Africa believe that the monkeys would converse with them +if they were not afraid of being set to work; but it is quite apparent +that they are not averse either to labor or conversation, inasmuch as +among themselves they frequently Mow and Chatter. + + * * * * * + +THE GREAT AFRICAN TEA COMPANY. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: If I can induce you to take a few shares in the +above-named Co. (at a merely nominal price, I assure you,) I think I +shall do you a very great favor, and at the same time secure to the Co. +the benefit of your enormous influence. + +The Grand Points, in this unequalled Scheme, may be explained as +follows: + +The Tea is from the new African Tea Fields, (that is the holds of ships +in which it has spoiled, or become musty, or lost its bouquet, and the +old chests of the usual dealers,) and is delivered in our ware-rooms for +a mere song, so to speak: say the Song of Sixpence (a pound.) + +At a small additional outlay, we dye and scour this Tea, or otherwise +Renovate it to such an extent that Nature herself would be deceived, at +least till she began to sip the decoction from it, when, perhaps, she +would conclude not to try any further issues with this Co. + +These African Tea Fields (cultivated by Ourselves) are "situated near +the Cape of Good Hope." From the recent appreciation of African +Interests (and, of course, technology,) you will perceive that in our +Name and Scheme is Good Hope indeed, for the Stockholders, if not the +tea-drinkers. + +Our system of business embraces, in part, the following ingenious and +strictly novel features: By means of circulars and extensive advertising +we convince the public (an easy task) that, in consequence of Raising +the Tea Ourselves, from "Our Own Tea Fields," (and thus saving a great +many profits to different absorbents of the people's money,) we can +afford it at ruinously low prices, yet the Tea is always A. 1. (which, +in familiar language, might be construed as A Wonder especially to the +Chinese.) We make a great variety out of the same stock! One may always +know the Great A. Co.'s Tea from the circumstance of it's never having +either odor or flavor. We find, after ample experience, that the +presence of either of these qualities directly injures the sale. Give it +plenty of Astringency (an easy knack) and it will be sure to go down in +this country. It is our experience (and that of many other Operators of +our kind--or _upon_ our kind, if you prefer the phrase,) that people +_like to be imposed upon,_ and can always be taken with the Economical +hook. If an article (of Tea, for instance) is only "cheap" enough, it +may be ever so nasty and unwholesome, and yet it will Sell! Sell? Bless +you! you can't produce it fast enough--even from your Own Tea Fields! + +We make an article of Coffee (which we have almost decided to call +Cuffee) that has as much Color in one pound as the real (an inferior) +article has in six! Boarding-house keepers praise it! It goes far, and +is actually preferred to Mocha! We sell it for less than the latter +could be bought for at wholesale, in Arabia, and yet you will readily +believe we make money by it. + +A few shares will be sold to you for a mere fraction of their nominal +value. Call and see us, at the sign of the GREAT AFRICAN (TEA CO.) + +T. T. T. (for the Co.) + + * * * * * + +OUR CUBAN TELEGRAMS. + +We are happy to inform our readers that we have made a special +arrangement with the telegraph companies, by which we shall receive the +only reliable news from Cuba. The following telegrams from Havana, which +were received at this office at a late hour last night, will show how +full and accurate our Cuban news will henceforth be: + +FIRST DISPATCH. + +HAVANA, May 26th, 9 P.M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--A great battle was +fought yesterday between the National army and the Spanish Cut-throats. +General CESPEDES, with five hundred men, attacked VALMESEDA, who had +eleven thousand men in a strong position, and completely routed him. The +Invaders lost ten thousand in killed and wounded, and nine hundred +prisoners. Twenty pieces of artillery were captured. This blow will +crush the Spanish brigands, and make certain the independence of the +island. Our loss was trifling--only a drummer-boy or two. + +SECOND DISPATCH. + +9:30 P.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--A great battle was fought +yesterday between the loyal army and the rebel hordes. General +VALMESADA, with five hundred men, attacked CESPEDES, who had eleven +thousand men in a strong position, and completely routed him. The +brigands lost ten thousand in killed and wounded, and nine hundred +prisoners. Twenty pieces of artillery were captured. This blow will +crush the rebels, and make certain the establishment of order in the +island. Our loss was trifling--only a sutler or two. + +THIRD DISPATCH. + +10 P.M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--Our victory was more complete than +at first believed. Only two Spaniards escaped. Our only loss was one +drummer-boy slightly wounded. + +FOURTH DISPATCH. + +10:30 P.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--Our victory was more +complete than was at first believed. Only two rebels escaped. Our only +loss was one sutler somewhat demoralized. + +FIFTH DISPATCH. + +11 P.M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--CESPEDES had only two hundred men, +and VALMESADA eight thousand. The latter is reported killed. The victory +was complete. + +SIXTH DISPATCH. + +11:30 P.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--VALMESEDA had only two +hundred men, and CESPEDES eight thousand. The latter is reported killed. +The victory was complete. + +SEVENTH DISPATCH. + +12 M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--The battle was not so bloody as was at +first reported. The Patriots had fifty men, and were greatly +outnumbered. Several dead Spaniards were left on the field. No artillery +was captured, but a great quantity of supplies was taken. + +EIGHTH DISPATCH. + +12:30 A.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--The battle was not so +bloody as was at first reported. The loyal force consisted of only fifty +men, and many dead rebels were left on the field. No artillery was +captured, but a great quantity of bananas was taken. + +NINTH DISPATCH. + +1 A.M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--It is now known that the battle was +only a skirmish. The Spaniards attacked our men in order to seize upon +their extra linen. They were repulsed however. + +TENTH DISPATCH. + +1:30 A.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--It is now known that the +battle was only skirmish. The rebels attacked a hen-roost in search of +eggs, but were repulsed. + +ELEVENTH DISPATCH. + +3 A.M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--The rumor of a battle seems to have +originated in a fight between a Patriot and a mob of blood-thirsty +Spaniards in an alley in this city. The latter managed to escape. + +TWELFTH DISPATCH. + +2:30 A.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--The rumor of a battle +evidently grew out of a fight in an alley of this city, between a +Volunteer and a mob of rebel sympathizers. The latter were all arrested. + +THIRTEENTH DISPATCH. + +3 A.M.--(_From the American, Consul_.)--Yesterday a Cuban boy threw a +stone at a dog belonging to one of the volunteers. The dog ran away. All +is quiet in the city, and elsewhere on the island. + +At this point we were compelled to go to press. The above dispatches, +however, furnish the latest and only reliable intelligence from Cuba. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ONE VIEW OF THE QUESTION. + +_Nervous Man_. "UP FOUR FLIGHTS OF STAIRS, AND THROUGH NO END OF CROOKED +PASSAGES. HOW AM I TO GET OUT IN CASE OF FIRE?" + +_Polite Waiter_. "NO OCCASION WHATEVER FOR ANXIETY, SIR; THE HOUSE IS +FULLY INSURED."] + + * * * * * + +A Good Turn Meant. + +THERE is some talk of reviving the Tournament in this region, and the +young men are expected to show their skill in "riding at the ring." If +our young men were to put any number of good sharp lances through a few +of our City Rings, they would be noble and chivalrous fellows, surely. + + * * * * * + +The Dumb Beasts' Friend. + +Mr. BERGH, the philodoggist, is an honest oracle in his way, and when he +opes his mouth we hope no cur will be ungrateful enough to bark. He says +in his last lecture that dumb animals are creatures like unto himself. +That accounts for Mr. BERGH being Deer to the quadrupeds, and such a +Terrier to their enemies. + + * * * * * + +Land and Water. + +An Ocean Cable Company has just asked Congress for a grant of lands. The +request is natural, as the Company, of course, wants to see its cable +well Landed. + + * * * * * + +The Kellogg Testimonial. + +Gifts should be seasonable. We therefore signify our highest approval of +the judgment of those "keyind" friends who lately gave to Miss CLARA +LOUISE KELLOGG, our own beloved nightingale, an elegant "Fruit +Receiver." Birds, as a rule, are prohibited by law from partaking of +fruit, but that is only while it is the on branches; and, perhaps, if +EVE had only possessed an elegant "Fruit Receiver," she might have put +the apple into it, instead of eating that most unfortunate pippin, so +greatly to human distress and detriment. And, now that Miss CLARA has +such a beautiful article to hold them, we suggest that, at her next +benefit, instead of the fading and comparatively worthless bouquets, she +be presented with a bushel of the very best pippins--and we intend to do +it. + + * * * * * + +Latest About Garibaldi. + +It is stated, now, that GARIBALDI, foiled in his attempts to join the +Italian insurgents, is about to throw himself, sword in hand, among the +Red River malcontents. This rumor has its origin, probably, in the fact +that GARIBALDI usually wears a red shirt. + +[Illustration: (Man about to stomp on mole marked "Arcade RR.") BROADWAY +SAVED! GOVERNOR HOFFMAN PUTS HIS FOOT DOWN UPON THE MOLE THAT WAS GOING +TO UNDERMINE OUR GREAT THOROUGHFARE.] + + * * * * * + +Stridor Dentium. + +The Massachusetts Dentists (excellent men, not to be spoken of without a +shudder) have been holding an annual meeting in Boston. They talked, +discussed, suggested and explained; and then, to show that they were +physicians who could heal themselves, they partook together of a most +beautiful dinner. We are not told so, but we suppose that the viands on +this occasion were of the very toughest description--geese of venerable +age, fried heel tops, and beef like unto the beef of a boarding-house. +Whether, considering their facilities for mastication, a landlord should +not charge the members of a Dental Association double, is a question for +casuists. + + * * * * * + +English News. + +It is noted, as a very remarkable fact, that "the Member of Parliament +for Sheffield first entered that town as an Italian image boy." He was +the image of his mother. + + * * * * * + +In the Air. + +_Voice at Rome_. "I am the infallible PIO Nono." + +_Echo, everywhere_. "'No! no!'" + + * * * * * + +Ancient Inscription on the Throne of Spain. + +M. T. + + * * * * * + +THE ROBINS. + +[_Compare a much more "poetic" effusion, under this head, in all the +American newspapers_.] + + There's a screech upon the housetop, a creak upon the plain, + It's a libel on the sunshine, its a slander on the rain; + And through my brain, in consequence, there darts a horrid thought + Of exasperating wheelbarrows, and signs, with torture fraught! + So, all these breezy mornings through my teeth is poured the strain: + _Confound the odious "Robins," that have now come back again!_ + + They bring a thought of strawberries, which I shall never taste; + Plums, cherries, ditto, ditto, which these maurauders waste-- + Who never _will_ catch worms and flies, as smaller "warblers" do, + But want precisely those nice things which grow for me and you! + I muse on all their robberies, and mutter this fierce strain: + _Confound these odious "Robins," that have now come back again!_ + + Oh, bah! What bosh these "poets" write, about this humbug pet! + Firstly, they're _not_ true "Robins," but a base, inferior set; + Second, there is no music in their creaking, croaking shriek; + Third, they are slow and stupid--common birds from tail to beak! + Tis said, "they come so early." Well, I'd rather they'd come late. + They're simply made for pot-pies, and deserve no better fate. + + Who ever thought to welcome the ingenious, sprightly Wren? + With his pretty, joyous carol, which should thrill the heart of men? + Now _that_ is _music_, mind you! And how small the throat that + sings! + Besides, he lets your fruit alone, and lives on other things! + Inspired by this trim fairy, many souls will swell the strain: + _Confound the odious "Robins," that have now come back again!_ + + * * * * * + +CAUTION! + +There is shortly to arrive in Paris a dwarf aged about fifty-five years, +having a beard reaching to his feet, but with only one arm and a +completely bald head. He possesses 2,000,000 francs, which he is willing +to share with any young girl about twenty years old, who is pretty and +good tempered. + +The person above alluded is, unquestionably, our eldest son, Mr. +PUNCHINELLO, Jr. He is--we say it with many tears--as great a rascal as +any in the world, although no child was ever flogged more regularly and +affectionately. His conduct broke his mother's head; and he was put +under bonds to keep the peace at the age of two years. After a long +period of flagrant insubordination, he ran away with a part of our +money, and of his plunder he may possibly have 2,000,000 francs +left--but we don't believe it. This is to warn all tradesmen in Paris +from trusting him on our account, as we shall pay no debts of his +contracting. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEW PLEA FOR MURDER + +MAN WITH REVOLVER. "OF COURSE I'VE KILLED HIM, BUT IT'S NO MURDER, FOR +I'M INSANE. IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, THERE'S MY MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE!"] + + * * * * * + +CONDENSED CONGRESS. + +SENATE. + +[Illustration: D] + +DRAKE quacked according to his custom--this time about the propriety of +hanging people in the Southern States. There were several people in +Missouri whom he particularly desired to see extinguished. He referred +to the fiends in human shape, whose hands were dripping with loyal gore, +and whom the unrepentant rebels of his State actually desired to send to +the Senate, in the place of himself. He lacked words to express his +sense of so gross an outrage. He thought that he could be comparatively +happy if forty thousand men were hanged or otherwise "disabled" from +voting against him. That would make his reelection a pretty sure thing. + +Mr. FERRY said he really thought this thing had gone far enough. People +were coming to understand that the general run, he did not refer to Bull +Run, of the Northern army was just about as good, and no better, than +the general run, he did not refer to Gettysburgh, of the Southern army. +As for DRAKE, he was a _canard_, and his statement was another. He did +not approve of the bloody Drakonian code. + +Mr. MORTON said FERRY was very easily crossed. As for him he considered +that FERRY was a Copperhead. + +Mr. REVELS was in favor of removing disabilities as soon as it could be +done with safety. They all knew what he meant by safety. As soon as not +only his calling, which was formerly clerical, although now legislative, +and election were made sure, he was ready to let everybody vote. While +his election was doubtful, he was in favor of keeping out votes enough +to insure it. He believed that to be the view of every Senator. (Hear. +Hear.) + +Mr. SAWYER thought his opinion as good as REVELS'S, if he was white. He +considered that he was safe in South Carolina, and he disapproved of the +glut of Republican Southern Senators. Upon these grounds he went for the +removal of the disabilities. + +HOUSE. + +Mr. DAWES did a neat thing. He represented that the Naval Appropriation +bill contained a number of most nutritious jobs (as indeed it turned out +that it did.) Upon this hint SCHENCK agreed to let the tariff "pass" for +the present, though he reserved the right to order it up at any time. +Thereupon the astute DAWES moved to postpone it indefinitely, to the +huge disgust of Mr. SCHENCK, who said he ought to be ashamed of himself. +Here was the oyster pining for protection, the peanut absolutely +shrivelling on its stalk under the neglect of Congress, and the American +hook-and-eye weeping for being overrun by the imported article. He hoped +the pig-iron, whose claims they had refused to consider, might lie heavy +on their souls. + +KELLEY was too full of pig-iron for utterance. + + * * * * * + +SPENCERIAN CHAFF. + +BY A CONFIRMED GRAHAMITE. + + If, in the "opening" of my learned friend + (Whose record I intend + Most handsomely and warmly to defend,) + You fancy that you now and then perceive + A word or phrase one hardly can conceive + Was uttered "by your leave;" + If--going further in my supposition-- + You fancy his condition + In some respects was not above suspicion; + If (Ah! there's virtue in an "if" sometimes-- + As there may be in crimes,) + You think it strange, what men will do for dimes; + Why, it is plainly due + To you, + And noble SPENCER, too, + That I should straightway boil with legal rage + At such injustice, and at once engage + To right the matter, on this virtuous page. + + I fear, my captious friend, + (To speak the truth,) you do not comprehend + The Majesty of Law! + Of Reason it is clearly the Perfection! + It is not merely Jaw! + Great Heaven! (excuse the interjection,) + If for this thing you have no greater awe, + You need correction! + Pray, do you fully realize, good Sir, + The Legal is a Gentlemanly cur? + True, we are sometimes forced to treat a Judge + As though he were a plain American. + But, fudge! + _He_ never minds; he's not a gentleman! + True, it is now and then our legal lot + To teach a stupid witness what is what, + Or show that he (or she) + Is rather worse than he (or she) should be; + We find it necessary, + Very, + To blacken what we have no doubt is white, + And whiten what is very black indeed. + Agreed! + + But ask the Client what _he_ thinks is right! + He may not care to see us fairly _fight,_ + (It _is not_ a pleasant sight,) + Or hear us curse till all is black as night, + For the whole Jury might perchance take fright; + But _he_ knows whether he is ably served! + Stern Duty's line, he'll tell you (if he's bright) + Is always either angular or curved. + Now, pray, no bosh + About the _habit of defending crime_ + Dulling the sensibilities in time! + The theory won't wash! + Once place my colleague on the other side, + You'd say, This lawyer should be deified! + Oh, what a conscience he would then reveal! + Sinners would tremble at his dread appeal! + You would perceive + (At least, you would be ready to believe,) + That, noting all the most abhorred deeds + Known to our records, this affair must needs + Be judged the blackest. Nothing like, since Cain. + And then, again---- + + But, pshaw! coming to look at you, I see + You're one of those odd folks who don't agree + With _any_ body. _You_ are not to pass + On these high questions; plainly, you're an ass. + I'd like to have you on the stand a minute! + You'd think the deuce was in it! + _I'd_ shake the humdrums out of you, I guess! + You'd presently confess + You thought that No was Yes. + It's just your sort--provided there's no hurry-- + We like to worry. + In twenty minutes, Sir, you wouldn't know + Your father from JIM CROW, + Or your illiterate self from LINDLEY MURRAY! + And now then, dunce, + Please move your boots, at once! + If 'twere not for some twinges of the gout, + I'd _kick_ you out! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A NEAT TURN + +_Mrs. Twigg_. "GOOD GRACIOUS! JOHN--YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING!" + +_Mr. Twigg_. "NORADROP, MY DEAR, _hic_, NORADROP. I'VE ONLY COME UP +_hic_, BY THE _hic, hic_, EL'VATED RAILWAY!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +Since "gin-and-milk" has been declared to be an uncanonical beverage, +much uncertainty prevails among the brethren of the cloth as to what +refreshment would be considered orthodox and proper. There is no doubt +that some men are so constituted as to require fluid aids to religion. +To deprive them of it would be to strike a blow at popular piety. As the +laborer is worthy of his hire, so is the minister, whose throat becomes +parched by reason of much exhortation, worthy of the liquid balm which +is to renew his powers and strengthen his organs. PUNCHINELLO has had +under consideration the question of inventing some drink which might +happily satisfy the wants of the thirsty and avoid the scandal which +"gin-and-milk" has created among the godly. Many correspondents have +suggested to him various decoctions, but, as they all involved +spirituous ingredients, he has felt compelled to reject them. After +considerable trial, he flatters himself, however, that he has fallen +upon a discovery which may remove every objection. It is very simple, +and that of itself should be a strong recommendation. + +Take some raw potatoes; thoroughly extract the juice; mix with it about +three ounces of horse-radish, (this to give it pungency,) flavor the +same with any aromatic root to suit the taste, and then let the whole +boil for one hour. After cooling, tightly bottle the mixture, and within +twenty-four hours it will be fit for use. The process then will be to +drink it in the same quantity that one would take either gin or whisky, +being careful to hold to the nose during the act of swallowing, a sponge +well saturated with pure alcohol. Between the pungency communicated to +the taste by the horse-radish and the fumes of the spirit invading the +nasal avenues, the illusion of a good "square drink" will be complete. + + * * * * * + +An instance of singularly vitiated taste has just come to the knowledge +of PUNCHINELLO. A caterer in Baxter Street provides juvenile boot-blacks +with the hind legs of rats, and declares that his guests eat them with +great avidity and experience no ill effects. They are rolled in +pulverized crackers, and cooked in lard. The dish is considered a great +dainty, and is only within the reach of the aristocratic portions of +that community. One chief cause of this culinary success is the fact +that the provider keeps the knowledge of it to himself, going upon the +French principle of "eat what's put before you and ask no questions." +Fried horse liver has risen to great popularity with Americans in Paris, +owing to the adoption of a similar caution. Fastidious tourists have +been known to smack their lips over horse tenderloin, under the +impression that the peculiarity of its flavor was to be attributed +entirely to the devices of a Parisian _cuisine_. + +This pleasant hypothesis has unquestionably prevented many a stomach +from revolting, and increased the reputation of French cooks. It is +related of the astronomer LALANDE that he often ate caterpillars and +spiders, affirming that the former tasted like almonds and the latter +like walnuts; but no American who ever feasted inadvertently on horse +liver or a savory sirloin of the same flesh, has yet been found to +acknowledge the fact, much less to promote a taste for it by any +seductive comparison. The Baxter Street purveyor imitates the Parisian +_restaurateur_ in the mystery with which he surrounds his art, and so +both prosper. + + * * * * * + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +_Georgia_. Mistaken. The columns of PUNCHINELLO are not for sale. If you +want to buy editorial columns you should apply to the managers of the +Washington _Chronicle_. For tariff of rates consult Governor BULLOCK of +your State, who is thoroughly informed on the subject. + +_Anxious Inquirer_. Our story of the "Mystery of Mr. E. DROOD," will +shortly be published in weekly parts, and it would be unfair to Mr. +DICKENS as well to Mr. ORPHEUS C. KERR to tell you the Mystery. + +_Traveller_. We believe that the Street Car Conductors are obliged to +pass a preliminary examination in packing herrings, before a car is +given to them. + +_Dramatical_. Can you tell me the origin of the expression, "Let's have +a smile," meaning of course, to take a drink?--Yes; it is from _Julius +Caesar_, where CASSIUS says to BRUTUS: + --"Farewell BRUTUS! + If we do meet again we'll Smile, indeed." +_Act V. Scene 1._ + +_Hoyle_. The old remark, "When in doubt play a trump," has fallen +through, as, when in doubt, the player generally plays the Deuce. + +_Henry Jones_. No. You are wrong. _Sic semper tyrannis, does not_ mean +_"Tyrants are always sick."_ + +_Villikens_. Mr. HORACE GREELEY, although an intimate personal friend of +WESTON, the pedestrian, is not, as you suppose, the Compiler of WALKER'S +Dictionary. + +_Cornet_. The critic was wrong in attributing "freshness" to the air of +"Walking down Broadway." If you walk down Broadway at this season you +will find the air any thing but fresh. + +_Gin-and-Milk_. It is a mistake. THEODORE TILTON never sang Comic Songs +in a Houston Street Free-and-Easy. + +_Chutney_. Somebody has been "selling" you. BABOO BRAHMIN CHUNDER SEN is +not a relation of HANS CHRISTIAN ANDERSEN. + +_Sculp_. Is it in your power to give the proportions of a perfect human +figure? + +_Answer_. Your question implies a doubt of the genius of a great +American Sculptor. It is _in_ our Power. Look at his figure of the Greek +Slave. + +_Richard III_. My friends think that I have a decided talent for the +stage. How can I be fitted for it? + +_Answer_. By a theatrical costumer. Pay great attention to "Measure for +Measure." + +_Debrett_. Who were the Knight's Companions of the Bath? + +_Answer_. Towels and Soap. + + + * * * * * + +NAPOLEON'S LATEST MANIFESTO TO THE FRENCH PEOPLE. + +[Illustration: T] + + True citizens of France I've the very great felicity-- + It almost overpowers me as you well can understand; + To give to the proud triumph of my policy publicity, + Majority six millions. Ah! _Mon Dieu!_ but it is grand. + + 'Tis true the Empire's Capital, the centre of authority, + Went against me in a fit of Red Republican romance; + But the Provinces in rolling up their glorious majority + Have proved, despite of precedents, that Paris is not France. + + Self-contained and unembarrassed, I awaited at the Tuileries + The issue, for I trusted the Nation's Common Sense; + And although the rowdy _Faubourgs_ tried a few of their Tom-fooleries, + My soldiers soon let light into each trumpery defence. + + I smile in cold contempt at the Old-time Barricade tricks-- + Each street, did I so order, were a cannon-swept defile, + I've bound Fortune to my Chariot, and defying all her jade tricks, + More in pity that in anger hear the roar of the _Canaille_. + + The _Drapeau Rouge is down_--HUGO, BLANC and LEDRU ROLLIN + Are as harmless as three kittens with their teeth and talons drawn; + And now my own loved France, with returns from every poll in, + I bid thee hail of Liberty the true and genial dawn. + + Though the Left's intemperate oracles, political and clerical, + Deny there's force or purpose in the People's mighty "Aye!" + They stultify their principles, for by ordeal numerical + Their Creed declares all policy should either live or die. + + To France I said, "My Country, behold I freely tender thee + All swords e'er won for freedom in the ages long ago, + All prerogatives that clash with it I offer to surrender thee, + Wilt take or spurn the guerdon? prithee, answer 'yes' or 'no.'" + + She has answered, France has answered, in thunderings articulate, + From the Alps and either Seaboard, to the Pyrenees, the Rhine; + And though a horde of demagogues may bellow and gesticulate, + They _know_ this is a victory of the PEOPLE'S RIGHT DIVINE. + + * * * * * + +The Dominion Again. + +What a set of grumblers the Canadians are. They seem never to be +satisfied with their public men. First they were berating the minister +of Justice for too large a practice at the Bar. Now they have turned +their attention to the gentleman (Mr. LANGEVIN) who is to engineer the +domestic relations between the Confederate Provinces, on the ground of +looking after his own Domestic Relations first. Surely, this is +"factious opposition," as their Mr. HOLTON would say. + + * * * * * + +SCIENCE FOREVER! + +MR. PUNCHINELLO is pleased to observe that there is to be a meeting of +the Western Social Science Association in Chicago, and he hereby +announces his intention of attending as a Volunteer Delegate. He will, +if he is well treated by the Convention, so that he may reach the +elevation of soul necessary, read exhaustive and exhausting papers on +the following subjects: + +1. On the complete removal of the buildings now constituting the City of +Washington to Chicago. + +2. On Free Drinks; their origin, history, purpose, and influence. + +3. On a curious fluid known as Drinking-Water; observed in other parts +of the world, but entirely unknown in Chicago. + +4. On Virtue its Own Reward, as exemplified in the Lives and Adventures +of the Chicago Police. + +5. On the Various Smells to be observed in Chicago (with pungent +experiments.) + +6. On the Exact Trigonometrical Measurement of a Corner in Grain. + +7. On the feasibility of working an Elevator entirely by whisky power. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO has prepared forty-nine other papers on different +scientific subjects, including Pugilism, Base Ball, the Velocipede, +Female Suffrage, and Lake Navigation; and he now awaits on invitation +from Chicago to come on with his largest drum and his most melodious +trumpet. He is aware of the general impression among the Children of the +West that they already know every thing. He hastens to assure them that +they labor under the most hideous of delusions. + + * * * * * + +A Midsummer Reading of Shakspeare. + + It must have been in "fly-time" that Shakspeare wrote-- + "When we have Shoo-flied off this mortal coil." + + * * * * * + +A Dead Beat to the Windward. + +MR. ASHBURY of "Cambria" fame. + + * * * * * + +THE FISHERY QUESTION. + +[Illustration: S] + +Some trouble with regard to the Gulf fisheries appears to be +anticipated, and loud calls are being made upon Government by the +fishermen, who demand that immediate steps be taken for securing their +rights. The unmasterly inactivity of President GRANT, in the matter, is +considered by the fishermen as indicating a want of Porpus. They are +also very much chagrined with the Government for sending out to the +fishing-banks a dispatch boat bearing the inappropriate name of +"Frolic." There is a levity about this quite out of keeping with the +serious character of the question, and it is doubtful whether the +fishermen would not prefer a fight on the banks to a Frolic. + +Although the Government appears to Flounder sadly in the mud-banks of +this fishery question, still there is some hope that coercive measures +may yet be taken for restraining the Dominion fishermen from having +every thing on their own hook. Rumor has it that the monitor +Miantonomah, Captain SCHUFELDT, is awaiting orders for a cruise to the +troubled waters. This will doubtless prove to be a very summary and +complete way of settling the difficulty, inasmuch as a few broadsides +from the huge thunderer referred to would kill every fish upon the +banks, and blacken each particular fisherman into an OTHELLO with an +"occupation gone." The Canadian fishermen, of course, would suffer +equally with those of our own shores. They are a light-hearted people, +though, are these Canadians, fond of music and dancing, and they would +doubtless find consolation for their troubles by addressing the skipper +of the Miantonomah in a grand MASANIELLO strain, chorussed with +"SCHUFELDT don't bother us!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DEPLORABLE ACCIDENT TO THAT FASHIONABLE YOUNG MAN +ALGERNON TYBALT PIPKINS, WHOSE HAT HAS BEEN BLOWN THROUGH THE RAILINGS +OF WASHINGTON PARK JUST AS THE MISSES ABINGDON ARE PASSING.] + + * * * * * + +OF MYTHOLOGY. + +Mythology is the term by which the ancient Greek or Roman used to +distinguish hiss religion from the rival religions of other and +heretical pagans. Just as Orthodoxy, according to DEAN SWIFT, means "my +doxy," and Heterodoxy, the doxy of other people; so the pious Roman used +to speak of "my thology" as the only genuine religion; the "thologies" +of other men being cheap and worthless counterfeits of the real article. +The classic mythology had a large and varied assortment of deities, from +which every man could select a supply to suit himself. Thus the lawyer +could place a bust of Mercury, the god of chicanery, in his office, and +so secure the patronage of the god and save the expense of a tin sign +announcing his profession. The editor could dedicate his paper to the +service of Janus, the two-faced deity, and thus pursue his business +without perilling his reputation for religious consistency. The +advantages of this sort of thing need hardly be enlarged upon. + +We propose to give easy and familiar descriptions of the more important +gods of classic mythology, for the benefit of our younger readers. We +therefore begin without further delay, with the chief deities of +Olympus, the celestial Tammany Hall of the period. The Olympians formed +a sort of Ring which governed the entire celestial and infernal world, +and as they were the only judges of elections, they retained the power +undisturbed. + +JUPITER. This individual was a jolly, good-tempered, old Olympian who +lived in great terror of his wife, JUNO, and was sadly addicted to +surreptitious beer, and undignified flirtations with the female +servants. He was fond of disguising himself, and staying out late at +night in search of adventures. It is difficult, however, to believe that +he really disguised himself as a swan, in order to present his bill to +LEDA. The story, doubtless, originated in the fact that JUNO called him +"an old goose," to which he very probably replied that "other woman +appreciated him better, and that LEDA, for example, would be more apt to +call him a duck or a swan, than a degraded and abject goose." So, too, +in regard to the story that he disguised himself as a bull, and in that +eccentric costume made love to EUROPA. One legend expressly states that +he pretended to be an Irish bull. This is, of course, a figurative way +of saying that he proclaimed himself an Irish gentleman, a descendant of +BRIEN BORU and a graduate of Trinity College. EUROPA was probably a +child's nurse, and the fascinating Irish gentleman was accustomed to +meet her in the Park, and enliven her with his national witticisms. One +can easily believe that he made love to DANAE by throwing a shower of +gold in her lap--a story which shows that women were much the same in +ancient times as they are to day. There is no denying that JUPITER was a +sad old dog, and that he would have been killed a dozen times by insane +husbands had he not been immortal. However, he was pretty severely +punished by JUNO, who was the leader of the Olympian Sorosis, and who +used to hear of all his disreputable flirtations from the respectable +spinsters of that Wild Goddess Association, and would keep him awake +night after night, with curtain lectures on the subject. JUPITER was, +_ex-officio_, the chairman of the Olympian Society, and he once crushed +a rebellion of the Titans, who were the Roughs of the period, by locking +them out of the Olympian Hall, and shying all sorts of heavy missiles, +such as charters--a Greek word signifying a mountainous burden--out of +the upper chamber at them. He had a large number of relatives whom he +placed in all the fat offices, and though there was some dissatisfaction +with his government, it was generally agreed that he was better fitted +for his position than anyone of the Titans would have been. No one knows +what was the ultimate fate of JUPITER. He was, however, dethroned by the +Emperor CONSTANTINE, and was never afterwards heard of; though it is +well known that the inhabitants of certain inland counties of New Jersey +still believe in his existence, and have not yet heard of CONSTANTINE'S +reformation. + + * * * * * + +Imperial Conundrum with an Irreconcilable Answer. + +Why is Paris the greatest place in the world for the prosecution of +newspaper enterprises? + +Because there all newspaper enterprises are prosecuted. + + * * * * * + +A Hanging that Ought to be "Played Out." + +That practised by the "hanging committee" of the Academy of Design. + + * * * * * + +Apropos of Theodora Thomas' Concerts. + +Come into the garden Maudlin. + + * * * * * + +TO OUR READERS. + +Many complaints have been made to the Publishers of PUNCHINELLO +regarding the price asked for the paper by news-dealers in some parts of +this city, as well as elsewhere--viz.: Fifteen Cents a single copy. + +Now, the price of a single copy of PUNCHINELLO is Ten Cents, and no +newsman has a right to charge more for one, seeing that his profit on it +at the regular price is equal to that made by him on any other +illustrated paper. + +However gratifying it may be to us to know that our paper is considered +by dealers as being more valuable than any other one of a similar class, +it has become necessary for us to correct the abuse referred to. The +best way of effecting this is for our readers to send in their +subscriptions directly to this office. To every subscriber who sends in +$4, PUNCHINELLO shall be sent for one year, together with a splendid +premium; particulars respecting which will be found on last page of this +number. + +By following this arrangement, readers will get the paper regularly at +their respective addresses, and will avoid the possibility of being +imposed on. + + * * * * * + +A. T. STEWART & CO. + +ARE OFFERING + +EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS IN + +French and English Carpets, Carpetings, +Cocoa and Canton Matting, +English and Domestic Oil Cloths, +PLAIN AND BROCHE SATIN +DAMASKS, BROCATELS, +TAPESTRIES, REPS, ETC., Imported expressly for + +Furniture Coverings and Curtain Materials. + +BROADWAY, + +Fourth Ave., Ninth and Tenth Sts. + + * * * * * + +HOUSEKEEPING GOODS. + +SHIRTING LINENS, PILLOW-CASE +LINENS, SHEETINGS, + +Damasks, Napkins, +_Towels, Towelings, Blankets, +Quilts,_ + +COUNTERPANES, FLANNELS. + +ALSO + +FRENCH AND BARNSLEY SHEETINGS, EXTRA +QUALITY DRESDEN DOUBLE DAMASK +TABLE-CLOTHS AND +NAPKINS. + +EMBROIDERED, LACE AND NOTTINGHAM +CURTAINS, GUIPURE CURTAINS, AND +SWISS DRAPERY BY THE YARD. + +THE ABOVE ARE OFFERED +At Greatly Reduced Prices. + +A.T. Stewart & Co., + +BROADWAY, +4th Ave., 9th and 10th Sts. + + * * * * * + +A. T. STEWART & CO. + +ARE OFFERING + +AT A GREAT REDUCTION FROM +FORMER PRICES, + +LADIES' PARIS-MADE SILK AND POPLIN DRESSES. +MISSES' AND CHILDRENS' PARIS, LONDON +AND DOMESTIC-MADE PLAIN, BRAIDED +AND EMBROIDERED PIQUE SUITS AND DRESSES, +LADIES' PLAIN AND EMBROIDERED +SKIRTS, EXTRA RICH, +LADIES' AND MISSES' SILK AND FANCY CLOTH +SACQUES, CLOAKS, ETC. + +Paris and Domestic-Made Bonnets. + +_Plain Centre, with Handsome Borders,_ + +REAL INDIA CAMELS HAIR SHAWLS, FROM +$50 UPWARD. + +BLACK ARABIAN LUSTERS, IRON GRENADINES, +BLACK CASHMERES, TAMISE CLOTHS, +BLACK ALPACAS, PRINTED FOULARDS, ETC. + +The above will be exhibited on separate counters in the 10th +Street, section. + +BROADWAY, + +Fourth Avenue, Ninth and Tenth Streets. + + * * * * * + +A. T. Stewart & Co. + +HAVE FOR SALE + +A SPLENDID STOCK OF EVERY VARIETY +OF BOYS' CLOTHING. + +ALSO + +_Cloths, Cassimeres, Linen Drills, +Twills, White Corduroys, Fancy +Cloakings, Tailors' Trimmings, +Ladies' Dress and Cloak Trimmings, +Gimp, Fringes, Braids, +Buttons, Superior Quality +Spool Cotton, Perfumery, +Toilet Articles, etc., etc._ + +At Popular Prices. + +BROADWAY, + +Fourth Avenue, Ninth and Tenth Streets. + + * * * * * + +SPECIAL + +PUNCHINELLO PREMIUMS. + +By special arrangement with + +L. PRANG & CO., + +we offer the following Elegant Premiums for new Subscribers to +PUNCHINELLO: + +"Awakening." (A Litter of Puppies.) Half Chromo, size, +8 3-8 by 11 1-8, price $2.00, and a copy of PUNCHINELLO for +one year, for $4.00. + +"Wild Roses." Chromo, 12 1-8 by 9, price $3.00, or any +other $3.00 Chromo, and a copy of the paper for one year for +$5.00. + +"The Baby in Trouble." Chromo, 13 by 16 1-4, +price $6.00 or any other at $6.00, or any two Chromos at $3.00, +and a copy of the paper for one year, for $7.00. + +"Sunset,--California Scenery," after A. Bierstadt, +18 1-8 by 12, price $10.00, or any other $10.00 Chromo, and +a copy of the paper for one year for $10.00. Or the four Chromos, +and four copies of the paper for one year in one order, for +clubs of FOUR, for $23.00. + +We will send to any one a printed list of L. PRANG & CO.'S +Chromos, from which a selection can be made, if the above is not +satisfactory, and are prepared to make special terms for clubs to +any amount, and to agents. + +Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty +cents per year, or five cents per quarter in advance; the CHROMOS +will be _mailed free_ on receipt of money. + +Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank +Checks on New-York, or Registered letters. The paper will be +sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise +ordered. + +Now is the time to subscribe, as these Premiums will be offered +for a limited time only. On receipt of a postage-stamp we will +send a copy of No. 1 to any one desiring to get up a club. + +Address + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +P. O. BOX 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New-York. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A DISTRESSING SITUATION. + +_Bridget, (responsively to Kate_.) "WHAT'S THE MATTHER WID ME, IS +IT? AH! THEN, THERE'S MATTHER ENOUGH. HERE'S THE MISSIS GONE OUT WID THE +KAY OF HER WARDROBE, AND ME OBLEEGED TO GO IN ME OULD DUDS AND SHOW +CINTRAL PARK TO ME COUSIN DINNIS JUST COME OUT FROM CORK!"] + + * * * * * + +"The Printing House of the United States." + +GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., + +General JOB PRINTERS, + +BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, +STATIONERS Wholesale and Retail, +LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers, +COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, +CARD Manufacturers, +ENVELOPE Manufacturers, +FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. + +163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., +73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New-York. + +ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under immediate +supervision of the proprietors. + + * * * * * + +Bowling Green Savings-Bank, + +33 BROADWAY, + +NEW-YORK. + +Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M. + + +Deposit of any sum from Ten Cents to Ten +Thousand Dollars, will be received. + + +Six Per Cent Interest, Free of +Government Tax. + + +INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS + +Commences on the first of every month. + +HENRY SMITH, _President_. + +REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary_. + +WALTER ROCHE,) +EDWARD HOGAN,) _Vice-Presidents_. + + * * * * * + +SARATOGA "A" SPRING WATER. + +A POSITIVE CURE FOR HEADACHE!--A GREAT +REMEDY FOR INDIGESTION AND DYSPEPSIA.-- + +Keeps the blood cool and regulates the stomach. Persons subject +to headache can insure themselves freedom from this malady +by drinking it liberally in the morning before breakfast. + +Sold by JOHN F. HENRY, at the U.S. Family Medical +Depot, 8 College Place, New-York. + + * * * * * + +PRANG'S CHROMOS are celebrated for their close resemblance to oil +paintings. Sold in all Art Stores throughout the world. + +PRANG'S LATEST CHROMOS: "Four Seasons," by J. M. Hart. Illustrated +catalogues sent free on receipt of stamp by + +L. PRANG & CO., Boston. + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO. + +TERMS TO CLUBS + + +WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS + +FIRST: + +_DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER,_ + +The most complete and desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning +purposes. + +SECOND: + +_BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES._ + +These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful; +and every lady should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind +of crochet or fancy work upon them. + +THIRD: + +_BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER._ + +This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It knits +every thing. + +FOURTH: + +_AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE._ + +This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on +all former machines. No. 1, with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and +Cover, complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole +parts, etc., price, $60. + +WE WILL SEND THE + +Family Spinner, price, $3, for 4 subscribers and $16. +No. 1 Crochet, " 8, " 4 " " 16. + " 2 " " 15, " 6 " " 24. + " 1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles, " 30, " 12 " " 43. + " 12 " " 84 " " 33, " 13 " " 52. +No.3 Automatic Knitter, 100 needles, price,37, for 15 subscribers and 60. +No.4 " " 2 cylinders ) " 40, " 16 " " 64. + 1 72 needles ) + 1 100 needles ) + +No. 1 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, price $75, for 30 + subscribers and $120. +No.2 " without buttonhole parts, etc., 60, " 25 + " " 100. + +Descriptive Circulars + +Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and +full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers. + +Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct +seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers +and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send +single names as they obtain them, deducting the commission. + +Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts on +New-York City; or if these can not be obtained, then by Registered Letters, +which any post-master will furnish. Charges on money sent by express must +be prepaid, or the net amount only will be credited. + +Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit, to prevent +error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and State. + +The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable quarterly +in advance at the place where it is received. Subscribers in the British +Provinces will remit twenty cents in addition to subscription. + +All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, + +NEW-YORK + + * * * * * + +S. W. GREEN, PRINTER, CORNER JACOB AND FRANKFORT STREETS. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, Issue 10, +Saturday, June 4, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, JUNE 4, 1870 *** + +***** This file should be named 9544.txt or 9544.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/9/5/4/9544/ + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra Brown, and Project +Gutenberg Distributed Proofreaders from material generously +made available by Cornell University + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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No. 10.] + + + + + + +CONANT'S + +_PATENT BINDERS_ + +FOR + +"PUNCHINELLO," + +to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent, post-paid, on receipt +of One Dollar, by + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +83 Nassau Street, New York City. + + * * * * * + +TO NEWS-DEALERS. + +PUNCHINELLO'S MONTHLY. + +THE FIVE NUMBERS FOR APRIL, + +Bound in a Handsome Cover, + +IS NOW READY. Price, Fifty Cents. + +THE TRADE + +SUPPLIED BY THE + +AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, + +Who are now prepared to receive Orders. + + * * * * * + +HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S + +STEEL PENS. + +These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper +than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is called +to the following grades, as being better suited for business purposes +than any Pen manufactured. The + +"505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," + +We recommend for bank and office use. + +D. APPLETON & CO., + +_Sole Agents for United States_. + + * * * * * + +[Sidenote: See 15th page for Extra Premiums.] + + * * * * * + +_Will Shortly appear: Our New Serial, written expressly for +Punchinello, +by ORPHEUS C. KERR, Entitled, "The Mystery of Mr. E. Drood." To be +continued weekly during this year._ + + +APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN + +"PUNCHINELLO" + +Should be addressed to + +J. NICKINSON, + +Room No. 4, + +83 NASSAU STREET. + + * * * * * + +Notice to Ladies. + +DIBBLEE, + +Of 854 Broadway, + +Has just received a large assortment of all the latest styles of + +Chignons, Chatelaines, etc. + +FROM PARIS. + +Comprising the following beautiful varieties: + +La Coquette, La Plenitude, Le Bouquet, + +La Sirene, L'Imperatrice etc., + +At prices varying from $2 upward. + + * * * * * + +PHELAN & COLLENDER, + +MANUFACTURERS OF + +Standard American Billiard Tables. + +WAREROOMS AND OFFICE, + +738 BROADWAY, NEW-YORK. + + * * * * * + +NEW-YORK CITIZEN + +AND + +ROUND TABLE, + +A Literary, Political, and Sporting paper, with + +the best writers in each department. Published every Saturday. + +PRICE--Ten Cents. + +32 Beckman Street. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: [Hercules with club and Apple of the Hesperides] +COPYRIGHT SECURED.] + +HERCULES MUTUAL +LIFE ASSURANCE +SOCIETY +OF THE UNITED STATES. + +No. 240 Broadway, New-York. + +POLICIES NON-FORFEITABLE. + +All Policies + +Entitled to Participation in Profits. + +Dividends Declared Annually. + + +JAMES D. REYMERT, President. + +ASHER S. MILLS, +Secretary. + +THOMAS H. WHITE, M.D., +Medical Examiner. + +ACTIVE AGENTS WANTED. + + * * * * * + +THE +MERCHANTS +Life Insurance Company +OF NEW-YORK. + +OFFICE, 257 BROADWAY, + +ORGANIZED UNDER THE LAWS OF THE STATE OF NEW-YORK. + +Issues all kinds of Life and Endowment Policies on the Mutual System, free +from restriction on travel and occupation, which permit residence +anywhere without extra charge. + +Premiums may be paid annually, semi-annually, or quarterly in cash. + +All Policies are non-forfeitable, and participate in the profits of the +Company. + +Dividends are made annually, on the Contribution plan. + +Pamphlets containing Rates of Premium, and information on the subject of +Life Insurance, may be obtained at the office of the Company, or any of +its Agents. + +Parties desiring to represent this Company in the capacity of Agents +will please address the New-York Office. + + +WILLIAM T. PHIPPS + +_President_. + +A.D. HOLLY, _Secretary_. + +HENRY HILTON, _Counsel_. + +O.S. PAINE, M. D. _Medical Examiner_ + +C.H. KING, M.D. _Asst. Med Ex._ + + +_Each Agent in direct communication with the New-York Office._ + + * * * * * + +Mercantile Library + +Clinton Hall, Astor Place, + +NEW-YORK. + + +This is now the largest circulating Library in America, the number of +volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 volumes are added each +month; and very large purchases are made of all new and popular works. + +Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each delivery. + + +TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP: + +TO CLERKS, + +$1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues. + +TO OTHERS, $5 a year. + +SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR + +SIX MONTHS. + + +BRANCH OFFICES + +AT + +NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK, + +AND AT + +Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth. + + * * * * * + +AMERICAN + +BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, + +AND + +SEWING-MACHINE CO., + +572 and 574 Broadway, New-York. + + +This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on +all the former machines, making, in addition to all work done on best +Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful + +BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES, + +in all fabrics. + +Machine, with finely finished + +OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER + +complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts, $50. This last +is beyond all question the simplest, easiest to manage and to keep in +order, of any machine in the market. Machines warranted, and full +instruction given to purchasers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HENRY SPEAR. PRINTER-LITHOGRAPHER STATIONER +BLANK BOOK MANUFACTURER. 82 WALL ST. NEW YORK.] + + * * * * * + +J. NICKINSON + +begs to announce to the friends of + +"PUNCHINELLO" + +residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has +Made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of + +ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED. + +the same will be forwarded, postage paid. + +Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing Houses +can have the same forwarded by inclosing two stamps. + +OFFICE OF + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. + +83 Nassau Street, + +[P.O. Box 2783.] + + * * * * * + +[ILLUSTRATION: WHAT WE MAY CONFIDENTLY LOOK FOR. + +_Jurywoman_. "I BEG TO INTERRUPT THE COURT WITH THE REQUEST THAT, BEFORE +THE CASE PROCEEDS ANY FURTHER, THE SHERIFF BE DIRECTED TO PROVIDE THE +JURYMAN ON MY RIGHT WITH A BOTTLE OF LURIN'S EXTRACT, OTHERWISE THE +FEMALE MEMBERS OF THE JURY WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE +CONSEQUENCES," etc., etc.] + + * * * * * + +A CONSISTENT LEAGUE. + +Immediately upon McFarland's acquittal, the Union League of Philadelphia +determined to give a grand ball. And they did it. And, what is more, +they intend to do it every time the majesty of any kind of Union is +vindicated. Except, of course, the union of the "Iron interest" and the +public good. + +One of the most valuable and instructive features of this ball was, the +grand opportunity it offered to the members of the League to show their +respect and affection for the spirit of the Fifteenth Amendment, +Accordingly, they invited a large number of colored ladies and +gentlemen, and the accursed spirit of caste was completely exorcised by +the exercises of the evening. The halls were grandly decorated with +blackberry and gooseberry bushes, and other rare plants; sumptuous +fountains squirted high great streams of XX ale and gin-and-milk; +enormous piles of panned oysters, lobster salad, Charlotte Russe, and +rice-pudding blocked up half the doorways, while within the dancing hall +the merriment was kept up grandly. The ball was opened by a grand +Cross-match waltz in which Hon. MORTON MCMICHAEL and Mrs. DINAH J--N; +GEORGE H. BOKER and Miss CHLOE P--T--N; WILLIAM D. KELLEY and Aunty Di. +LU-V-I-A-N; A. BORIE and Miss E. G--N; Gen. TYNDALE and Miss MAY OR--TY, +and several other distinguished couples twirled their fantastic toes in +the most reckless _abandon_. Virginia reels, Ole Kentucky break-downs, +and other characteristic dances diversified the ordinary Terpsichorean +programme, and the dancing was kept up to a late hour. It was truly +gratifying to every consistent supporter of the enfranchisement of the +African race, to see such gentlemen as _Senator_ REVELS, FREDERICK +DOUGLASS, Mr. PURVIS, and other prominent colored citizens, in the halls +of this patriotic and thoroughly American Society. The members of the +League were evidently of the opinion that it would be a most flagrant +shame, on an occasion of this kind, for them to deny to their colored +fellow citizens the rights and privileges that they are so anxious shall +be accorded them by every one else; and, while they do not believe that +they are bound to invite any one--black or white--to their private +reunions on account of political considerations, they do not attempt to +deny that, on an occasion of this kind--a celebration in fact of the +success of a political party--it would be most shameful to ostracize the +very citizens for whom that party labored and conquered. Therefore it +was that they so warmly welcomed, within their gorgeous halls, their +colored fellow-citizens, and by so doing won for themselves the +approbation of every consistent American. It was one of the most +affecting sights of the evening to see these gentlemen of the League, +nobly trampling under their feet all base considerations of color and +caste, and walking arm and arm with their colored sisters; smelling the +exotics; admiring the groups of statuary; sipping the coffee and the +punch; pricing the crimson curtains; inhaling the perfumes from the +cologne-water fountains; ascending and descending the grand walnut +staircase (arranged for this occasion only); listening to the birds in +the conservatories; and fixing their hair in the magnificent +dressing-rooms. When, in the midst of the festivities the band struck up +the beautiful air, "Ask me no more!" the honored guests of color looked +at each other with pleasant smiles which seemed to denote a perfect +satisfaction. And so, whatever may be said of the friends of the colored +race in other parts of the country, it must be universally admitted that +the Union League of Philadelphia has done its duty! + + * * * * * + +Good Reading for Topers. + +MR. GREELEY's "Recollections of a Boozy Life." + + * * * * * + +Sporting Intelligence. + +A NEWSPAPER item says that "a Mexican offers to shoot JUAREZ for $200." + +That's nothing. TAYLOR, of Jersey City, offers to shoot any man in the +world for $2000. + + * * * * * + +The Favorite Drink of the Canadian Government. + +CABINET Whiskey. + + * * * * * + +Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District +Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New-York. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE.] + +The public still labor under misapprehensions of our character and +calling. We are in daily receipt of letters of the most heterogeneous +description, the task of answering which we are compelled to utterly +forego. + +We subjoin a few specimens: + +"MR. PUNCHINELLO. _Dear Sir_: My wife died yesterday, and would you be +so kind as to come and make her will? I would not give you the trouble +of coming, but the young woman I intend to marry next is going away +to-morrow, and I don't want to leave home. My wife had five hundred +dollars which I want left to me, and a feather bed, which you may divide +amongst the children. + +"Yours in affliction, + +"SOLOMON SNIPP." + + +"SIR: I calculate to give a funeral down at my place shortly, that is, +if things go right; but we have no preacher to do the work. Would you +please to send us one? Not particular what kind, so long as the work is +_sure_. Party is not dead yet, but I make arrangements beforehand as I +expect to be insane. Good pay for good work. + +"Sincerely, + +"P. MCFINIGAN. + +"P. S. Do preachers warrant their burials?" + + +"DEAR MR. PUNCHINELLO:--You were so good as to prescribe a hot pitch +plaster for the baby's mouth. Next day I took the prescription to your +office, but failed to get it made up, as the devil, they told me, was +busy. Will you please inform me when you will be at leisure? Meanwhile +baby yells. + +"Yours truly, + +"C. PUGSBY. + +"P.S. _Later_. Mrs. PUGSBY says if I apply that plaster she will go +insane. True, she does not understand fire-arms, but then I should be +afraid to drink any coffee for a month. In the meantime, if the baby +keeps on, I shall go crazy myself; so there is likely to be a casualty +somewhere. What's to be done? Shall I bring the child to you? + +"C. P." + + +_Answer_. At your peril. Go crazy and shoot it; then we will go crazy +and turn counsel for the defence. The result will probably be that you +are handed over to the ladies to be kissed into reason; but if you would +rather be hung, you must do the shooting over in New-Jersey. + + * * * * * + +"BEAUTIFUL SNOW." + +Circumstances having rendered it probable that the dispute respecting +the authorship of the poem "Beautiful Snow" may shortly be revived, +PUNCHINELLO takes this opportunity of setting the public right on the +subject, and silencing further controversy regarding it for ever. + +It is the production of Mr. PUNCHINELLO, himself; was composed by him so +long ago as July, 1780, and copyrighted in August of the same year. It +may be asked how the idea of snow-flakes happened to occur to him in +July. That question is easily settled. The day was sultry; thermometer +98 deg. in the arbor. Drowsed by the sultry air--not to mention the iced +claret--Mr. PUNCHINELLO posed himself gracefully upon a rustic bench, +and slept. Presently the lovely lady who was fanning him, fascinated by +the trumpet tones that preceded from his nose, exclaimed: "Beautiful +Snore!" This was repeated to him when he awoke, and hence the origin of +the poem. + + * * * * * + +Fish Culture. + +The Grand Duke ALEXIS, of Russia, proposes to come to these shores and +inspect the American system of fish culture. With this end in view, he +will, of course, be the particular guest of Gen. GRANT, and will, no +doubt, be surprised to find that our principal FISH is a cultivated man. +But he will better understand our FISH system by witnessing its +operations in Spanish and Canadian waters, as also in those of Sault St. +Marie. + + * * * * * + +Linsey-Woolsey. + +The regular troops for the Canadian Red River Expedition have been +supplied by Gen. LINDSEY, and are commanded by Col. WOLSLEY--a fact +oddly co-incidental with the reported flimsy character of the +expedition, so far as it has gone. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TOO TRUE! Scene-Academy. Time-Spring of 70. Miss Smith. +"WHAT DOES 'N.A.' MEAN AFTER SOME OF THESE ARTISTS' NAMES?" Miss Brown. +"N.A. WHY IT MUST MEAN 'NEEDY ARTISTS.' POOR FELLOWS!"] + + * * * * * + +Bivalvulor Intelligence. + +It is stated that the clams along the Stratford shore are dying by +thousands of a malignant disease, which a correspondent of the +Bridgeport _Standard_ calls "clam cholera." This is a sad c'lamity for +the people of the Stratford shore. + + * * * * * + +The Fifteenth Amendment. + +The appointment of colored postmasters in Maryland may be all very well; +but PUNCHINELLO would like to know whether the Post-office authorities +intend to revive the custom of Blackmailing. + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +[Illustration: C] + +Comedy personified, in Mr. CLARKE, has now reigned at BOOTH'S for nearly +six weeks. During that time there has been a perceptible change in the +metaphorical atmosphere of the house. The audience no longer wears the +look of subdued melancholy which was once involuntarily assumed by each +mourner for the memory of SHAKSPEARE, who passed the solemn threshold. +The ushers no longer find it necessary to sustain their depressed +spirits by the surreptitious chewing of the quid of consolation, and are +now the most pleasant, as they were always the most courteous, of their +kind. Persons have even been heard, within the past week, to allude to +BOOTH'S as a "theatre," instead of a "temple of art;" and though the +convulsions of nature which attend the shifting of the scenery, and +cause castles to be violently thrown up by volcanic eruptions and +forests to be suddenly swallowed by gaping earthquakes, impart a certain +solemnity to the brightest of comedies, still there is a general +impression among the audience that BOOTH'S has become a place of +amusement. And in noting this change PUNCHINELLO does not mean to jeer +at the former and normal character of BOOTH'S. BEETHOVEN'S Seventh +Symphony, DANTE'S Inferno, JEFFERSON'S Rip Van Winkle, and EDWIN BOOTH'S +Hamlet are not amusing, but it does not follow that they are therefore +unworthy of the attention of the public, which is pleased with the +rattle of De Boots, and tickled with the straw of Toodles. + +FOX vs. GOOSE is a three act comedy in which Mr. CLARKE last week made +his audience laugh as freely as though the tomb-stones of all the +Capulets were not gleaming white and awful in the lamplight of the +property-room; or, at all events, would be gleaming if any body were to +hunt them up with a practicable lantern. The opening scene is the +tap-room of an inn, where Mr. FOX FOWLER, an adventurer, is taking his +ease and his unpaid-for gin-and-milk. + +_Enter Landlord, presenting his bill_. "Here, sir, you've been drinking +my beer for several years, and now I want you to pay for it." + +_Fox_. "My friend! why ask me to pay bills? Do you not perceive that I +wear a velvet coat? And, besides, even if I wanted to pay I could not +until my baggage, which I gave to an expressman ten years ago, shall +reach me. It will probably arrive in a month or two more." + +_Landlord_. "Here comes Sir GANDER GOSLING. I'll complain to him of your +conduct." + +(_Enter Sir Gander_.) + +_Fox_. "My dear Sir GANDER. Allow me to embrace you." + +_Sir Gander_. "I don't know you. I'm not my son JACK." + +_Fox_. "But I am Jack's dearest friend. I have saved him from drowning, +from matrimony, from reading the _Nation,_ from mothers-in-law, and all +other calamities mentioned in the litany." + +_Sir Gander_. "Describe him to me, if you know him so well." + +_Fox_. "He is tall, dark, slender, and quiet in manner." + +_Sir Gander_. "My dear fellow he is short, fat, light, and noisy. I am +convinced that you know him. Permit me to pay your bill, lend you money, +and tell you all about our dear JACK'S intended marriage." (_He pays, +lends, and narrates accordingly. A terrific rattling of dishpans +simulates the arrival of a train. Sir_ GANDER _departs and_ JACK GOSLING +_enters._) + +_Fox_. "My dear JACK, allow me to embrace you." + +_Jack_. "I don't know you. I'm not my father." + +_Fox_. "But I am your father's dearest friend. Sit down and have a +bottle of wine, and tell me all about ROSE MANDRAKE, your intends bride. +'Rose! Rose! the coal black Rose!' as MILTON finely remarks." (_They sit +down and_ JACK _immediately gets very drunk, thereby affording another +proof of the horribly adulterated condition of the liquor used on the +stage, which infallibly intoxicates an actor within two minutes after it +is imbibed. [Let the Excise authorities see to this matter.] Finally_ +JACK _falls, and the curtain immediately follows his example.) + +Critical Young Man, who reads all the theatrical "notices" in the Herald +in the leisure moments when he is not selling yards of tape and ribbon_. +"I don't think much of CLARKE. He ain't half the man that NED FORREST +is. There ain't a bit of spontanatious humor in him. Them San Francisco +Minstrels can beat him out of sight." + +_Accompanying Young Female Person_. "Yes, I think so, too. I hate to see +a man act drunk. It's so low and vulgar. I like pretty plays, like they +have at WALLACK'S." + +_Respectable Old Gentleman_. "PLACIDE--BLAKE--BURTON--" + +_Every Body Else_. "Well, this is real humor; I haven't laughed so much +since I heard BEECHER preach a funeral sermon." + +The second act takes place in the house of Major MANDRAKE. Fox has +successfully assumed the character of JACK GOSLING, and is having a +pleasant chat with the family, when the gardener enters to inform the +Major that a flock of crows is in sight. + +_Major Mandrake_. "I love the pleasures of the chase. Bring my gun, and +I will shoot the crows." (_He goes out, and shoots_ JACK, _who is +climbing over the gate. Re-enter Major and men carrying_ JACK.) + +_Major_. "Alas! I have missed the crow over the cornfield, and lost the +crow over my shooting which I would otherwise have had. Also I have shot +a man out of season, and the sportsmen's club will prosecute me." + +_Jack_. "I am not dead, though my appearance and conversation might +induce you to think so. My name is JACK GOSLING. The chap in the velvet +coat is an impostor." + +_Major, Fox, and other dramatis persons_. "Away with the wretch! He +himself is the impostor. Call a policeman who will club him if he makes +no resistance." + +JACK is dragged away, but perpetually returns and denounces his rival. +He is bitten by suppositious dogs cunningly simulated by stage +carpenters, who remark "bow wow" from behind the scenes. He is cut by +ROSE MANDRAKE, and also by rows of broken bottles, which line the top of +the wall on which he makes a perilous perch, not having a pole or rod +with which to defend himself against the dogs. He is challenged by Fox +and seconded by Miss BLANCHE BE BAR in naval uniform. Finally he takes +refuge in the china closet, and hurls cheap plates and saucers at his +foes. With the exhaustion of the supply of crockery, the act naturally +comes to an end, and, as frequently occurs in similar cases, the curtain +falls. + +_Comic Man_. "Why does CLARKE, when he slings china at the company, +remind you of the Paraguayan war? Of course you give it up. Because he +carries on a war on the Plate. Do you see it? Crockery plates and the +river Plate, you know. Ha! ha!" + +And two ushers, reinforced by a special policeman, drag the miserable +man away, and lead him to MAGONIGLE'S private room, there to be dealt +with for the hideous crime of making infamous jokes in BOOTH'S theatre. +He is never seen again, and so the Philadelphia _Day_ loses its +brightest ornament. + +The third act consists of a duel between JACK and FOX, each of whom is +too cowardly to fight. They therefore follow the safer example of rival +editors, and swear and scold at each other. At last a small millennium +of universal reconciliation takes place, and the usual old comedy "tag" +ends the play. + +(Parenthetically, why "tag?" Does it receive this name because its +invariable stupidity suggests those other worthless commodities "rag" +and "bob-tail," which, outside of theatres, are generally associated +with the name.) + +And every body goes away murmuring of the genial humor of CLARKE, the +magical violin of MOLLENHAUER, the elegance, convenience and comfort of +the theatre, the matchless memory of BOOTH'S Hamlet and Iago, and the +golden certainty of the coming of Rip Van Winkle. And every body is +supremely satisfied, and says to every body else, "This theatre needs +only a company, to be the foremost theatre of either continent." + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +Remarks by Our Stammering Contributor. + +The up-town theatrical sensation is, we hear, produced "regardless of +expense." We had reason to think that its managers would show more +Frou-frou-frugality. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PISCATORY DISCUSSION. + +_Uncle Walton_. "THAR! DIDN'T I TOLE YER? KNOW'D HE COULDN'T KETCH NO +FISH WID DAT 'AR BUGGY-WHIP OF A THING!" + +_Isaac_. "YAH! DON'T TALK!--WAIT TILL HE TURNS DAT 'AR CRANK, AND SEE IF +DE PEERCH DON'T COME A-WINDIN' IN!"] + + * * * * * + +COMIC ZOOLOGY. + +THE MONKEY TRIBE. + +Of this genus there are countless varieties, differing widely in the cut +of their monkey jackets, as the untravelled American naturalist will +doubtless have observed on traversing his native sidewalk. The educated +specimens met with in our cities are upon the whole well Organized, and +appear to have music in their soles. For its feats _a pied_, the tame +monkey is indebted to a Piedmontese who accompanies him. + +To behold the monkey race in their glory, however, they must be seen in +their native woods, where they dwell in genteel independence, enjoying +their entailed estates and living on their own cocoa nuts. There will be +found the Gibbon, whose Decline and Fall when yielding the Palm to some +aspiring rival is swifter than that of the Roman Empire; the Barberry +Ape, so called from feeding exclusively on Barberries; the +Chimpanzee--an African corruption of Jump-and-see, the name given to the +animal by his first European discoverers in compliment to his alertness; +the Baboon, a melancholy brute that, as you may observe from his visage, +always has the blues; to say nothing of a legion of Red Monkeys, which +are particularly Rum Customers. + +Some men of science have advanced the theory that man is the climactic +consequence of innumerable improvements of the monkey; the negro as he +now exists being the result of the Fifteenth Amendment. These +philosophers erect a sort of pyramid of progress, placing an Ape at the +base and a Caucasian at the Apex. This wild hypothesis of a monkey +apotheosis can of coarse only be regarded Jockolarly, in other words, +with a grin. Nevertheless the Marmozet is sufficiently like a little +Frenchwoman to be called a Ma'amoiselle, and there are (in New-Zealand +for instance) human heathen with a craving for the Divine, to whom the +Gorilla, though not a man, is certainly a brother. Possibly the Orang +Outang, if able to express his thoughts in an harangue, might say with +Mr. DICKENS, "I am very human." He certainly looks it. + +There is a strong facial resemblance among the simious races--_Simia +Similibus_. This likeness does not, however, extend in all cases to the +opposite extremity. Some monkeys have no tails. Of the tailless Apes it +is said that they originally erased their rear appendages by too much +sitting--perhaps as members of the "Rump" in some Anthropoid Congress. +Be that as it may, the varieties that have retained their tails seem +disposed to hang on to them, and will doubtless continue to do so by +hook or by crook. + +The natives of Africa believe that the monkeys would converse with them +if they were not afraid of being set to work; but it is quite apparent +that they are not averse either to labor or conversation, inasmuch as +among themselves they frequently Mow and Chatter. + + * * * * * + +THE GREAT AFRICAN TEA COMPANY. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: If I can induce you to take a few shares in the +above-named Co. (at a merely nominal price, I assure you,) I think I +shall do you a very great favor, and at the same time secure to the Co. +the benefit of your enormous influence. + +The Grand Points, in this unequalled Scheme, may be explained as +follows: + +The Tea is from the new African Tea Fields, (that is the holds of ships +in which it has spoiled, or become musty, or lost its bouquet, and the +old chests of the usual dealers,) and is delivered in our ware-rooms for +a mere song, so to speak: say the Song of Sixpence (a pound.) + +At a small additional outlay, we dye and scour this Tea, or otherwise +Renovate it to such an extent that Nature herself would be deceived, at +least till she began to sip the decoction from it, when, perhaps, she +would conclude not to try any further issues with this Co. + +These African Tea Fields (cultivated by Ourselves) are "situated near +the Cape of Good Hope." From the recent appreciation of African +Interests (and, of course, technology,) you will perceive that in our +Name and Scheme is Good Hope indeed, for the Stockholders, if not the +tea-drinkers. + +Our system of business embraces, in part, the following ingenious and +strictly novel features: By means of circulars and extensive advertising +we convince the public (an easy task) that, in consequence of Raising +the Tea Ourselves, from "Our Own Tea Fields," (and thus saving a great +many profits to different absorbents of the people's money,) we can +afford it at ruinously low prices, yet the Tea is always A. 1. (which, +in familiar language, might be construed as A Wonder especially to the +Chinese.) We make a great variety out of the same stock! One may always +know the Great A. Co.'s Tea from the circumstance of it's never having +either odor or flavor. We find, after ample experience, that the +presence of either of these qualities directly injures the sale. Give it +plenty of Astringency (an easy knack) and it will be sure to go down in +this country. It is our experience (and that of many other Operators of +our kind--or _upon_ our kind, if you prefer the phrase,) that people +_like to be imposed upon,_ and can always be taken with the Economical +hook. If an article (of Tea, for instance) is only "cheap" enough, it +may be ever so nasty and unwholesome, and yet it will Sell! Sell? Bless +you! you can't produce it fast enough--even from your Own Tea Fields! + +We make an article of Coffee (which we have almost decided to call +Cuffee) that has as much Color in one pound as the real (an inferior) +article has in six! Boarding-house keepers praise it! It goes far, and +is actually preferred to Mocha! We sell it for less than the latter +could be bought for at wholesale, in Arabia, and yet you will readily +believe we make money by it. + +A few shares will be sold to you for a mere fraction of their nominal +value. Call and see us, at the sign of the GREAT AFRICAN (TEA CO.) + +T. T. T. (for the Co.) + + * * * * * + +OUR CUBAN TELEGRAMS. + +We are happy to inform our readers that we have made a special +arrangement with the telegraph companies, by which we shall receive the +only reliable news from Cuba. The following telegrams from Havana, which +were received at this office at a late hour last night, will show how +full and accurate our Cuban news will henceforth be: + +FIRST DISPATCH. + +HAVANA, May 26th, 9 P.M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--A great battle was +fought yesterday between the National army and the Spanish Cut-throats. +General CESPEDES, with five hundred men, attacked VALMESEDA, who had +eleven thousand men in a strong position, and completely routed him. The +Invaders lost ten thousand in killed and wounded, and nine hundred +prisoners. Twenty pieces of artillery were captured. This blow will +crush the Spanish brigands, and make certain the independence of the +island. Our loss was trifling--only a drummer-boy or two. + +SECOND DISPATCH. + +9:30 P.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--A great battle was fought +yesterday between the loyal army and the rebel hordes. General +VALMESADA, with five hundred men, attacked CESPEDES, who had eleven +thousand men in a strong position, and completely routed him. The +brigands lost ten thousand in killed and wounded, and nine hundred +prisoners. Twenty pieces of artillery were captured. This blow will +crush the rebels, and make certain the establishment of order in the +island. Our loss was trifling--only a sutler or two. + +THIRD DISPATCH. + +10 P.M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--Our victory was more complete than +at first believed. Only two Spaniards escaped. Our only loss was one +drummer-boy slightly wounded. + +FOURTH DISPATCH. + +10:30 P.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--Our victory was more +complete than was at first believed. Only two rebels escaped. Our only +loss was one sutler somewhat demoralized. + +FIFTH DISPATCH. + +11 P.M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--CESPEDES had only two hundred men, +and VALMESADA eight thousand. The latter is reported killed. The victory +was complete. + +SIXTH DISPATCH. + +11:30 P.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--VALMESEDA had only two +hundred men, and CESPEDES eight thousand. The latter is reported killed. +The victory was complete. + +SEVENTH DISPATCH. + +12 M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--The battle was not so bloody as was at +first reported. The Patriots had fifty men, and were greatly +outnumbered. Several dead Spaniards were left on the field. No artillery +was captured, but a great quantity of supplies was taken. + +EIGHTH DISPATCH. + +12:30 A.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--The battle was not so +bloody as was at first reported. The loyal force consisted of only fifty +men, and many dead rebels were left on the field. No artillery was +captured, but a great quantity of bananas was taken. + +NINTH DISPATCH. + +1 A.M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--It is now known that the battle was +only a skirmish. The Spaniards attacked our men in order to seize upon +their extra linen. They were repulsed however. + +TENTH DISPATCH. + +1:30 A.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--It is now known that the +battle was only skirmish. The rebels attacked a hen-roost in search of +eggs, but were repulsed. + +ELEVENTH DISPATCH. + +3 A.M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--The rumor of a battle seems to have +originated in a fight between a Patriot and a mob of blood-thirsty +Spaniards in an alley in this city. The latter managed to escape. + +TWELFTH DISPATCH. + +2:30 A.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--The rumor of a battle +evidently grew out of a fight in an alley of this city, between a +Volunteer and a mob of rebel sympathizers. The latter were all arrested. + +THIRTEENTH DISPATCH. + +3 A.M.--(_From the American, Consul_.)--Yesterday a Cuban boy threw a +stone at a dog belonging to one of the volunteers. The dog ran away. All +is quiet in the city, and elsewhere on the island. + +At this point we were compelled to go to press. The above dispatches, +however, furnish the latest and only reliable intelligence from Cuba. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ONE VIEW OF THE QUESTION. + +_Nervous Man_. "UP FOUR FLIGHTS OF STAIRS, AND THROUGH NO END OF CROOKED +PASSAGES. HOW AM I TO GET OUT IN CASE OF FIRE?" + +_Polite Waiter_. "NO OCCASION WHATEVER FOR ANXIETY, SIR; THE HOUSE IS +FULLY INSURED."] + + * * * * * + +A Good Turn Meant. + +THERE is some talk of reviving the Tournament in this region, and the +young men are expected to show their skill in "riding at the ring." If +our young men were to put any number of good sharp lances through a few +of our City Rings, they would be noble and chivalrous fellows, surely. + + * * * * * + +The Dumb Beasts' Friend. + +Mr. BERGH, the philodoggist, is an honest oracle in his way, and when he +opes his mouth we hope no cur will be ungrateful enough to bark. He says +in his last lecture that dumb animals are creatures like unto himself. +That accounts for Mr. BERGH being Deer to the quadrupeds, and such a +Terrier to their enemies. + + * * * * * + +Land and Water. + +An Ocean Cable Company has just asked Congress for a grant of lands. The +request is natural, as the Company, of course, wants to see its cable +well Landed. + + * * * * * + +The Kellogg Testimonial. + +Gifts should be seasonable. We therefore signify our highest approval of +the judgment of those "keyind" friends who lately gave to Miss CLARA +LOUISE KELLOGG, our own beloved nightingale, an elegant "Fruit +Receiver." Birds, as a rule, are prohibited by law from partaking of +fruit, but that is only while it is the on branches; and, perhaps, if +EVE had only possessed an elegant "Fruit Receiver," she might have put +the apple into it, instead of eating that most unfortunate pippin, so +greatly to human distress and detriment. And, now that Miss CLARA has +such a beautiful article to hold them, we suggest that, at her next +benefit, instead of the fading and comparatively worthless bouquets, she +be presented with a bushel of the very best pippins--and we intend to do +it. + + * * * * * + +Latest About Garibaldi. + +It is stated, now, that GARIBALDI, foiled in his attempts to join the +Italian insurgents, is about to throw himself, sword in hand, among the +Red River malcontents. This rumor has its origin, probably, in the fact +that GARIBALDI usually wears a red shirt. + +[Illustration: (Man about to stomp on mole marked "Arcade RR.") BROADWAY +SAVED! GOVERNOR HOFFMAN PUTS HIS FOOT DOWN UPON THE MOLE THAT WAS GOING +TO UNDERMINE OUR GREAT THOROUGHFARE.] + + * * * * * + +Stridor Dentium. + +The Massachusetts Dentists (excellent men, not to be spoken of without a +shudder) have been holding an annual meeting in Boston. They talked, +discussed, suggested and explained; and then, to show that they were +physicians who could heal themselves, they partook together of a most +beautiful dinner. We are not told so, but we suppose that the viands on +this occasion were of the very toughest description--geese of venerable +age, fried heel tops, and beef like unto the beef of a boarding-house. +Whether, considering their facilities for mastication, a landlord should +not charge the members of a Dental Association double, is a question for +casuists. + + * * * * * + +English News. + +It is noted, as a very remarkable fact, that "the Member of Parliament +for Sheffield first entered that town as an Italian image boy." He was +the image of his mother. + + * * * * * + +In the Air. + +_Voice at Rome_. "I am the infallible PIO Nono." + +_Echo, everywhere_. "'No! no!'" + + * * * * * + +Ancient Inscription on the Throne of Spain. + +M. T. + + * * * * * + +THE ROBINS. + +[_Compare a much more "poetic" effusion, under this head, in all the +American newspapers_.] + + There's a screech upon the housetop, a creak upon the plain, + It's a libel on the sunshine, its a slander on the rain; + And through my brain, in consequence, there darts a horrid thought + Of exasperating wheelbarrows, and signs, with torture fraught! + So, all these breezy mornings through my teeth is poured the strain: + _Confound the odious "Robins," that have now come back again!_ + + They bring a thought of strawberries, which I shall never taste; + Plums, cherries, ditto, ditto, which these maurauders waste-- + Who never _will_ catch worms and flies, as smaller "warblers" do, + But want precisely those nice things which grow for me and you! + I muse on all their robberies, and mutter this fierce strain: + _Confound these odious "Robins," that have now come back again!_ + + Oh, bah! What bosh these "poets" write, about this humbug pet! + Firstly, they're _not_ true "Robins," but a base, inferior set; + Second, there is no music in their creaking, croaking shriek; + Third, they are slow and stupid--common birds from tail to beak! + Tis said, "they come so early." Well, I'd rather they'd come late. + They're simply made for pot-pies, and deserve no better fate. + + Who ever thought to welcome the ingenious, sprightly Wren? + With his pretty, joyous carol, which should thrill the heart of men? + Now _that_ is _music_, mind you! And how small the throat that + sings! + Besides, he lets your fruit alone, and lives on other things! + Inspired by this trim fairy, many souls will swell the strain: + _Confound the odious "Robins," that have now come back again!_ + + * * * * * + +CAUTION! + +There is shortly to arrive in Paris a dwarf aged about fifty-five years, +having a beard reaching to his feet, but with only one arm and a +completely bald head. He possesses 2,000,000 francs, which he is willing +to share with any young girl about twenty years old, who is pretty and +good tempered. + +The person above alluded is, unquestionably, our eldest son, Mr. +PUNCHINELLO, Jr. He is--we say it with many tears--as great a rascal as +any in the world, although no child was ever flogged more regularly and +affectionately. His conduct broke his mother's head; and he was put +under bonds to keep the peace at the age of two years. After a long +period of flagrant insubordination, he ran away with a part of our +money, and of his plunder he may possibly have 2,000,000 francs +left--but we don't believe it. This is to warn all tradesmen in Paris +from trusting him on our account, as we shall pay no debts of his +contracting. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEW PLEA FOR MURDER + +MAN WITH REVOLVER. "OF COURSE I'VE KILLED HIM, BUT IT'S NO MURDER, FOR +I'M INSANE. IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, THERE'S MY MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE!"] + + * * * * * + +CONDENSED CONGRESS. + +SENATE. + +[Illustration: D] + +DRAKE quacked according to his custom--this time about the propriety of +hanging people in the Southern States. There were several people in +Missouri whom he particularly desired to see extinguished. He referred +to the fiends in human shape, whose hands were dripping with loyal gore, +and whom the unrepentant rebels of his State actually desired to send to +the Senate, in the place of himself. He lacked words to express his +sense of so gross an outrage. He thought that he could be comparatively +happy if forty thousand men were hanged or otherwise "disabled" from +voting against him. That would make his reelection a pretty sure thing. + +Mr. FERRY said he really thought this thing had gone far enough. People +were coming to understand that the general run, he did not refer to Bull +Run, of the Northern army was just about as good, and no better, than +the general run, he did not refer to Gettysburgh, of the Southern army. +As for DRAKE, he was a _canard_, and his statement was another. He did +not approve of the bloody Drakonian code. + +Mr. MORTON said FERRY was very easily crossed. As for him he considered +that FERRY was a Copperhead. + +Mr. REVELS was in favor of removing disabilities as soon as it could be +done with safety. They all knew what he meant by safety. As soon as not +only his calling, which was formerly clerical, although now legislative, +and election were made sure, he was ready to let everybody vote. While +his election was doubtful, he was in favor of keeping out votes enough +to insure it. He believed that to be the view of every Senator. (Hear. +Hear.) + +Mr. SAWYER thought his opinion as good as REVELS'S, if he was white. He +considered that he was safe in South Carolina, and he disapproved of the +glut of Republican Southern Senators. Upon these grounds he went for the +removal of the disabilities. + +HOUSE. + +Mr. DAWES did a neat thing. He represented that the Naval Appropriation +bill contained a number of most nutritious jobs (as indeed it turned out +that it did.) Upon this hint SCHENCK agreed to let the tariff "pass" for +the present, though he reserved the right to order it up at any time. +Thereupon the astute DAWES moved to postpone it indefinitely, to the +huge disgust of Mr. SCHENCK, who said he ought to be ashamed of himself. +Here was the oyster pining for protection, the peanut absolutely +shrivelling on its stalk under the neglect of Congress, and the American +hook-and-eye weeping for being overrun by the imported article. He hoped +the pig-iron, whose claims they had refused to consider, might lie heavy +on their souls. + +KELLEY was too full of pig-iron for utterance. + + * * * * * + +SPENCERIAN CHAFF. + +BY A CONFIRMED GRAHAMITE. + + If, in the "opening" of my learned friend + (Whose record I intend + Most handsomely and warmly to defend,) + You fancy that you now and then perceive + A word or phrase one hardly can conceive + Was uttered "by your leave;" + If--going further in my supposition-- + You fancy his condition + In some respects was not above suspicion; + If (Ah! there's virtue in an "if" sometimes-- + As there may be in crimes,) + You think it strange, what men will do for dimes; + Why, it is plainly due + To you, + And noble SPENCER, too, + That I should straightway boil with legal rage + At such injustice, and at once engage + To right the matter, on this virtuous page. + + I fear, my captious friend, + (To speak the truth,) you do not comprehend + The Majesty of Law! + Of Reason it is clearly the Perfection! + It is not merely Jaw! + Great Heaven! (excuse the interjection,) + If for this thing you have no greater awe, + You need correction! + Pray, do you fully realize, good Sir, + The Legal is a Gentlemanly cur? + True, we are sometimes forced to treat a Judge + As though he were a plain American. + But, fudge! + _He_ never minds; he's not a gentleman! + True, it is now and then our legal lot + To teach a stupid witness what is what, + Or show that he (or she) + Is rather worse than he (or she) should be; + We find it necessary, + Very, + To blacken what we have no doubt is white, + And whiten what is very black indeed. + Agreed! + + But ask the Client what _he_ thinks is right! + He may not care to see us fairly _fight,_ + (It _is not_ a pleasant sight,) + Or hear us curse till all is black as night, + For the whole Jury might perchance take fright; + But _he_ knows whether he is ably served! + Stern Duty's line, he'll tell you (if he's bright) + Is always either angular or curved. + Now, pray, no bosh + About the _habit of defending crime_ + Dulling the sensibilities in time! + The theory won't wash! + Once place my colleague on the other side, + You'd say, This lawyer should be deified! + Oh, what a conscience he would then reveal! + Sinners would tremble at his dread appeal! + You would perceive + (At least, you would be ready to believe,) + That, noting all the most abhorred deeds + Known to our records, this affair must needs + Be judged the blackest. Nothing like, since Cain. + And then, again---- + + But, pshaw! coming to look at you, I see + You're one of those odd folks who don't agree + With _any_ body. _You_ are not to pass + On these high questions; plainly, you're an ass. + I'd like to have you on the stand a minute! + You'd think the deuce was in it! + _I'd_ shake the humdrums out of you, I guess! + You'd presently confess + You thought that No was Yes. + It's just your sort--provided there's no hurry-- + We like to worry. + In twenty minutes, Sir, you wouldn't know + Your father from JIM CROW, + Or your illiterate self from LINDLEY MURRAY! + And now then, dunce, + Please move your boots, at once! + If 'twere not for some twinges of the gout, + I'd _kick_ you out! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A NEAT TURN + +_Mrs. Twigg_. "GOOD GRACIOUS! JOHN--YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING!" + +_Mr. Twigg_. "NORADROP, MY DEAR, _hic_, NORADROP. I'VE ONLY COME UP +_hic_, BY THE _hic, hic_, EL'VATED RAILWAY!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +Since "gin-and-milk" has been declared to be an uncanonical beverage, +much uncertainty prevails among the brethren of the cloth as to what +refreshment would be considered orthodox and proper. There is no doubt +that some men are so constituted as to require fluid aids to religion. +To deprive them of it would be to strike a blow at popular piety. As the +laborer is worthy of his hire, so is the minister, whose throat becomes +parched by reason of much exhortation, worthy of the liquid balm which +is to renew his powers and strengthen his organs. PUNCHINELLO has had +under consideration the question of inventing some drink which might +happily satisfy the wants of the thirsty and avoid the scandal which +"gin-and-milk" has created among the godly. Many correspondents have +suggested to him various decoctions, but, as they all involved +spirituous ingredients, he has felt compelled to reject them. After +considerable trial, he flatters himself, however, that he has fallen +upon a discovery which may remove every objection. It is very simple, +and that of itself should be a strong recommendation. + +Take some raw potatoes; thoroughly extract the juice; mix with it about +three ounces of horse-radish, (this to give it pungency,) flavor the +same with any aromatic root to suit the taste, and then let the whole +boil for one hour. After cooling, tightly bottle the mixture, and within +twenty-four hours it will be fit for use. The process then will be to +drink it in the same quantity that one would take either gin or whisky, +being careful to hold to the nose during the act of swallowing, a sponge +well saturated with pure alcohol. Between the pungency communicated to +the taste by the horse-radish and the fumes of the spirit invading the +nasal avenues, the illusion of a good "square drink" will be complete. + + * * * * * + +An instance of singularly vitiated taste has just come to the knowledge +of PUNCHINELLO. A caterer in Baxter Street provides juvenile boot-blacks +with the hind legs of rats, and declares that his guests eat them with +great avidity and experience no ill effects. They are rolled in +pulverized crackers, and cooked in lard. The dish is considered a great +dainty, and is only within the reach of the aristocratic portions of +that community. One chief cause of this culinary success is the fact +that the provider keeps the knowledge of it to himself, going upon the +French principle of "eat what's put before you and ask no questions." +Fried horse liver has risen to great popularity with Americans in Paris, +owing to the adoption of a similar caution. Fastidious tourists have +been known to smack their lips over horse tenderloin, under the +impression that the peculiarity of its flavor was to be attributed +entirely to the devices of a Parisian _cuisine_. + +This pleasant hypothesis has unquestionably prevented many a stomach +from revolting, and increased the reputation of French cooks. It is +related of the astronomer LALANDE that he often ate caterpillars and +spiders, affirming that the former tasted like almonds and the latter +like walnuts; but no American who ever feasted inadvertently on horse +liver or a savory sirloin of the same flesh, has yet been found to +acknowledge the fact, much less to promote a taste for it by any +seductive comparison. The Baxter Street purveyor imitates the Parisian +_restaurateur_ in the mystery with which he surrounds his art, and so +both prosper. + + * * * * * + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +_Georgia_. Mistaken. The columns of PUNCHINELLO are not for sale. If you +want to buy editorial columns you should apply to the managers of the +Washington _Chronicle_. For tariff of rates consult Governor BULLOCK of +your State, who is thoroughly informed on the subject. + +_Anxious Inquirer_. Our story of the "Mystery of Mr. E. DROOD," will +shortly be published in weekly parts, and it would be unfair to Mr. +DICKENS as well to Mr. ORPHEUS C. KERR to tell you the Mystery. + +_Traveller_. We believe that the Street Car Conductors are obliged to +pass a preliminary examination in packing herrings, before a car is +given to them. + +_Dramatical_. Can you tell me the origin of the expression, "Let's have +a smile," meaning of course, to take a drink?--Yes; it is from _Julius +Caesar_, where CASSIUS says to BRUTUS: + --"Farewell BRUTUS! + If we do meet again we'll Smile, indeed." +_Act V. Scene 1._ + +_Hoyle_. The old remark, "When in doubt play a trump," has fallen +through, as, when in doubt, the player generally plays the Deuce. + +_Henry Jones_. No. You are wrong. _Sic semper tyrannis, does not_ mean +_"Tyrants are always sick."_ + +_Villikens_. Mr. HORACE GREELEY, although an intimate personal friend of +WESTON, the pedestrian, is not, as you suppose, the Compiler of WALKER'S +Dictionary. + +_Cornet_. The critic was wrong in attributing "freshness" to the air of +"Walking down Broadway." If you walk down Broadway at this season you +will find the air any thing but fresh. + +_Gin-and-Milk_. It is a mistake. THEODORE TILTON never sang Comic Songs +in a Houston Street Free-and-Easy. + +_Chutney_. Somebody has been "selling" you. BABOO BRAHMIN CHUNDER SEN is +not a relation of HANS CHRISTIAN ANDERSEN. + +_Sculp_. Is it in your power to give the proportions of a perfect human +figure? + +_Answer_. Your question implies a doubt of the genius of a great +American Sculptor. It is _in_ our Power. Look at his figure of the Greek +Slave. + +_Richard III_. My friends think that I have a decided talent for the +stage. How can I be fitted for it? + +_Answer_. By a theatrical costumer. Pay great attention to "Measure for +Measure." + +_Debrett_. Who were the Knight's Companions of the Bath? + +_Answer_. Towels and Soap. + + + * * * * * + +NAPOLEON'S LATEST MANIFESTO TO THE FRENCH PEOPLE. + +[Illustration: T] + + True citizens of France I've the very great felicity-- + It almost overpowers me as you well can understand; + To give to the proud triumph of my policy publicity, + Majority six millions. Ah! _Mon Dieu!_ but it is grand. + + 'Tis true the Empire's Capital, the centre of authority, + Went against me in a fit of Red Republican romance; + But the Provinces in rolling up their glorious majority + Have proved, despite of precedents, that Paris is not France. + + Self-contained and unembarrassed, I awaited at the Tuileries + The issue, for I trusted the Nation's Common Sense; + And although the rowdy _Faubourgs_ tried a few of their Tom-fooleries, + My soldiers soon let light into each trumpery defence. + + I smile in cold contempt at the Old-time Barricade tricks-- + Each street, did I so order, were a cannon-swept defile, + I've bound Fortune to my Chariot, and defying all her jade tricks, + More in pity that in anger hear the roar of the _Canaille_. + + The _Drapeau Rouge is down_--HUGO, BLANC and LEDRU ROLLIN + Are as harmless as three kittens with their teeth and talons drawn; + And now my own loved France, with returns from every poll in, + I bid thee hail of Liberty the true and genial dawn. + + Though the Left's intemperate oracles, political and clerical, + Deny there's force or purpose in the People's mighty "Aye!" + They stultify their principles, for by ordeal numerical + Their Creed declares all policy should either live or die. + + To France I said, "My Country, behold I freely tender thee + All swords e'er won for freedom in the ages long ago, + All prerogatives that clash with it I offer to surrender thee, + Wilt take or spurn the guerdon? prithee, answer 'yes' or 'no.'" + + She has answered, France has answered, in thunderings articulate, + From the Alps and either Seaboard, to the Pyrenees, the Rhine; + And though a horde of demagogues may bellow and gesticulate, + They _know_ this is a victory of the PEOPLE'S RIGHT DIVINE. + + * * * * * + +The Dominion Again. + +What a set of grumblers the Canadians are. They seem never to be +satisfied with their public men. First they were berating the minister +of Justice for too large a practice at the Bar. Now they have turned +their attention to the gentleman (Mr. LANGEVIN) who is to engineer the +domestic relations between the Confederate Provinces, on the ground of +looking after his own Domestic Relations first. Surely, this is +"factious opposition," as their Mr. HOLTON would say. + + * * * * * + +SCIENCE FOREVER! + +MR. PUNCHINELLO is pleased to observe that there is to be a meeting of +the Western Social Science Association in Chicago, and he hereby +announces his intention of attending as a Volunteer Delegate. He will, +if he is well treated by the Convention, so that he may reach the +elevation of soul necessary, read exhaustive and exhausting papers on +the following subjects: + +1. On the complete removal of the buildings now constituting the City of +Washington to Chicago. + +2. On Free Drinks; their origin, history, purpose, and influence. + +3. On a curious fluid known as Drinking-Water; observed in other parts +of the world, but entirely unknown in Chicago. + +4. On Virtue its Own Reward, as exemplified in the Lives and Adventures +of the Chicago Police. + +5. On the Various Smells to be observed in Chicago (with pungent +experiments.) + +6. On the Exact Trigonometrical Measurement of a Corner in Grain. + +7. On the feasibility of working an Elevator entirely by whisky power. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO has prepared forty-nine other papers on different +scientific subjects, including Pugilism, Base Ball, the Velocipede, +Female Suffrage, and Lake Navigation; and he now awaits on invitation +from Chicago to come on with his largest drum and his most melodious +trumpet. He is aware of the general impression among the Children of the +West that they already know every thing. He hastens to assure them that +they labor under the most hideous of delusions. + + * * * * * + +A Midsummer Reading of Shakspeare. + + It must have been in "fly-time" that Shakspeare wrote-- + "When we have Shoo-flied off this mortal coil." + + * * * * * + +A Dead Beat to the Windward. + +MR. ASHBURY of "Cambria" fame. + + * * * * * + +THE FISHERY QUESTION. + +[Illustration: S] + +Some trouble with regard to the Gulf fisheries appears to be +anticipated, and loud calls are being made upon Government by the +fishermen, who demand that immediate steps be taken for securing their +rights. The unmasterly inactivity of President GRANT, in the matter, is +considered by the fishermen as indicating a want of Porpus. They are +also very much chagrined with the Government for sending out to the +fishing-banks a dispatch boat bearing the inappropriate name of +"Frolic." There is a levity about this quite out of keeping with the +serious character of the question, and it is doubtful whether the +fishermen would not prefer a fight on the banks to a Frolic. + +Although the Government appears to Flounder sadly in the mud-banks of +this fishery question, still there is some hope that coercive measures +may yet be taken for restraining the Dominion fishermen from having +every thing on their own hook. Rumor has it that the monitor +Miantonomah, Captain SCHUFELDT, is awaiting orders for a cruise to the +troubled waters. This will doubtless prove to be a very summary and +complete way of settling the difficulty, inasmuch as a few broadsides +from the huge thunderer referred to would kill every fish upon the +banks, and blacken each particular fisherman into an OTHELLO with an +"occupation gone." The Canadian fishermen, of course, would suffer +equally with those of our own shores. They are a light-hearted people, +though, are these Canadians, fond of music and dancing, and they would +doubtless find consolation for their troubles by addressing the skipper +of the Miantonomah in a grand MASANIELLO strain, chorussed with +"SCHUFELDT don't bother us!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DEPLORABLE ACCIDENT TO THAT FASHIONABLE YOUNG MAN +ALGERNON TYBALT PIPKINS, WHOSE HAT HAS BEEN BLOWN THROUGH THE RAILINGS +OF WASHINGTON PARK JUST AS THE MISSES ABINGDON ARE PASSING.] + + * * * * * + +OF MYTHOLOGY. + +Mythology is the term by which the ancient Greek or Roman used to +distinguish hiss religion from the rival religions of other and +heretical pagans. Just as Orthodoxy, according to DEAN SWIFT, means "my +doxy," and Heterodoxy, the doxy of other people; so the pious Roman used +to speak of "my thology" as the only genuine religion; the "thologies" +of other men being cheap and worthless counterfeits of the real article. +The classic mythology had a large and varied assortment of deities, from +which every man could select a supply to suit himself. Thus the lawyer +could place a bust of Mercury, the god of chicanery, in his office, and +so secure the patronage of the god and save the expense of a tin sign +announcing his profession. The editor could dedicate his paper to the +service of Janus, the two-faced deity, and thus pursue his business +without perilling his reputation for religious consistency. The +advantages of this sort of thing need hardly be enlarged upon. + +We propose to give easy and familiar descriptions of the more important +gods of classic mythology, for the benefit of our younger readers. We +therefore begin without further delay, with the chief deities of +Olympus, the celestial Tammany Hall of the period. The Olympians formed +a sort of Ring which governed the entire celestial and infernal world, +and as they were the only judges of elections, they retained the power +undisturbed. + +JUPITER. This individual was a jolly, good-tempered, old Olympian who +lived in great terror of his wife, JUNO, and was sadly addicted to +surreptitious beer, and undignified flirtations with the female +servants. He was fond of disguising himself, and staying out late at +night in search of adventures. It is difficult, however, to believe that +he really disguised himself as a swan, in order to present his bill to +LEDA. The story, doubtless, originated in the fact that JUNO called him +"an old goose," to which he very probably replied that "other woman +appreciated him better, and that LEDA, for example, would be more apt to +call him a duck or a swan, than a degraded and abject goose." So, too, +in regard to the story that he disguised himself as a bull, and in that +eccentric costume made love to EUROPA. One legend expressly states that +he pretended to be an Irish bull. This is, of course, a figurative way +of saying that he proclaimed himself an Irish gentleman, a descendant of +BRIEN BORU and a graduate of Trinity College. EUROPA was probably a +child's nurse, and the fascinating Irish gentleman was accustomed to +meet her in the Park, and enliven her with his national witticisms. One +can easily believe that he made love to DANAE by throwing a shower of +gold in her lap--a story which shows that women were much the same in +ancient times as they are to day. There is no denying that JUPITER was a +sad old dog, and that he would have been killed a dozen times by insane +husbands had he not been immortal. However, he was pretty severely +punished by JUNO, who was the leader of the Olympian Sorosis, and who +used to hear of all his disreputable flirtations from the respectable +spinsters of that Wild Goddess Association, and would keep him awake +night after night, with curtain lectures on the subject. JUPITER was, +_ex-officio_, the chairman of the Olympian Society, and he once crushed +a rebellion of the Titans, who were the Roughs of the period, by locking +them out of the Olympian Hall, and shying all sorts of heavy missiles, +such as charters--a Greek word signifying a mountainous burden--out of +the upper chamber at them. He had a large number of relatives whom he +placed in all the fat offices, and though there was some dissatisfaction +with his government, it was generally agreed that he was better fitted +for his position than anyone of the Titans would have been. No one knows +what was the ultimate fate of JUPITER. He was, however, dethroned by the +Emperor CONSTANTINE, and was never afterwards heard of; though it is +well known that the inhabitants of certain inland counties of New Jersey +still believe in his existence, and have not yet heard of CONSTANTINE'S +reformation. + + * * * * * + +Imperial Conundrum with an Irreconcilable Answer. + +Why is Paris the greatest place in the world for the prosecution of +newspaper enterprises? + +Because there all newspaper enterprises are prosecuted. + + * * * * * + +A Hanging that Ought to be "Played Out." + +That practised by the "hanging committee" of the Academy of Design. + + * * * * * + +Apropos of Theodora Thomas' Concerts. + +Come into the garden Maudlin. + + * * * * * + +TO OUR READERS. + +Many complaints have been made to the Publishers of PUNCHINELLO +regarding the price asked for the paper by news-dealers in some parts of +this city, as well as elsewhere--viz.: Fifteen Cents a single copy. + +Now, the price of a single copy of PUNCHINELLO is Ten Cents, and no +newsman has a right to charge more for one, seeing that his profit on it +at the regular price is equal to that made by him on any other +illustrated paper. + +However gratifying it may be to us to know that our paper is considered +by dealers as being more valuable than any other one of a similar class, +it has become necessary for us to correct the abuse referred to. The +best way of effecting this is for our readers to send in their +subscriptions directly to this office. To every subscriber who sends in +$4, PUNCHINELLO shall be sent for one year, together with a splendid +premium; particulars respecting which will be found on last page of this +number. + +By following this arrangement, readers will get the paper regularly at +their respective addresses, and will avoid the possibility of being +imposed on. + + * * * * * + +A. T. STEWART & CO. + +ARE OFFERING + +EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS IN + +French and English Carpets, Carpetings, +Cocoa and Canton Matting, +English and Domestic Oil Cloths, +PLAIN AND BROCHE SATIN +DAMASKS, BROCATELS, +TAPESTRIES, REPS, ETC., Imported expressly for + +Furniture Coverings and Curtain Materials. + +BROADWAY, + +Fourth Ave., Ninth and Tenth Sts. + + * * * * * + +HOUSEKEEPING GOODS. + +SHIRTING LINENS, PILLOW-CASE +LINENS, SHEETINGS, + +Damasks, Napkins, +_Towels, Towelings, Blankets, +Quilts,_ + +COUNTERPANES, FLANNELS. + +ALSO + +FRENCH AND BARNSLEY SHEETINGS, EXTRA +QUALITY DRESDEN DOUBLE DAMASK +TABLE-CLOTHS AND +NAPKINS. + +EMBROIDERED, LACE AND NOTTINGHAM +CURTAINS, GUIPURE CURTAINS, AND +SWISS DRAPERY BY THE YARD. + +THE ABOVE ARE OFFERED +At Greatly Reduced Prices. + +A.T. Stewart & Co., + +BROADWAY, +4th Ave., 9th and 10th Sts. + + * * * * * + +A. T. STEWART & CO. + +ARE OFFERING + +AT A GREAT REDUCTION FROM +FORMER PRICES, + +LADIES' PARIS-MADE SILK AND POPLIN DRESSES. +MISSES' AND CHILDRENS' PARIS, LONDON +AND DOMESTIC-MADE PLAIN, BRAIDED +AND EMBROIDERED PIQUE SUITS AND DRESSES, +LADIES' PLAIN AND EMBROIDERED +SKIRTS, EXTRA RICH, +LADIES' AND MISSES' SILK AND FANCY CLOTH +SACQUES, CLOAKS, ETC. + +Paris and Domestic-Made Bonnets. + +_Plain Centre, with Handsome Borders,_ + +REAL INDIA CAMELS HAIR SHAWLS, FROM +$50 UPWARD. + +BLACK ARABIAN LUSTERS, IRON GRENADINES, +BLACK CASHMERES, TAMISE CLOTHS, +BLACK ALPACAS, PRINTED FOULARDS, ETC. + +The above will be exhibited on separate counters in the 10th +Street, section. + +BROADWAY, + +Fourth Avenue, Ninth and Tenth Streets. + + * * * * * + +A. T. 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The paper will be +sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise +ordered. + +Now is the time to subscribe, as these Premiums will be offered +for a limited time only. On receipt of a postage-stamp we will +send a copy of No. 1 to any one desiring to get up a club. + +Address + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +P. O. BOX 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New-York. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A DISTRESSING SITUATION. + +_Bridget, (responsively to Kate_.) "WHAT'S THE MATTHER WID ME, IS +IT? AH! THEN, THERE'S MATTHER ENOUGH. HERE'S THE MISSIS GONE OUT WID THE +KAY OF HER WARDROBE, AND ME OBLEEGED TO GO IN ME OULD DUDS AND SHOW +CINTRAL PARK TO ME COUSIN DINNIS JUST COME OUT FROM CORK!"] + + * * * * * + +"The Printing House of the United States." + +GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., + +General JOB PRINTERS, + +BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, +STATIONERS Wholesale and Retail, +LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers, +COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, +CARD Manufacturers, +ENVELOPE Manufacturers, +FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. + +163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., +73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New-York. + +ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under immediate +supervision of the proprietors. + + * * * * * + +Bowling Green Savings-Bank, + +33 BROADWAY, + +NEW-YORK. + +Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M. + + +Deposit of any sum from Ten Cents to Ten +Thousand Dollars, will be received. + + +Six Per Cent Interest, Free of +Government Tax. + + +INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS + +Commences on the first of every month. + +HENRY SMITH, _President_. + +REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary_. + +WALTER ROCHE,) +EDWARD HOGAN,) _Vice-Presidents_. + + * * * * * + +SARATOGA "A" SPRING WATER. + +A POSITIVE CURE FOR HEADACHE!--A GREAT +REMEDY FOR INDIGESTION AND DYSPEPSIA.-- + +Keeps the blood cool and regulates the stomach. Persons subject +to headache can insure themselves freedom from this malady +by drinking it liberally in the morning before breakfast. + +Sold by JOHN F. HENRY, at the U.S. Family Medical +Depot, 8 College Place, New-York. + + * * * * * + +PRANG'S CHROMOS are celebrated for their close resemblance to oil +paintings. Sold in all Art Stores throughout the world. + +PRANG'S LATEST CHROMOS: "Four Seasons," by J. M. Hart. Illustrated +catalogues sent free on receipt of stamp by + +L. PRANG & CO., Boston. + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO. + +TERMS TO CLUBS + + +WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS + +FIRST: + +_DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER,_ + +The most complete and desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning +purposes. + +SECOND: + +_BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES._ + +These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful; +and every lady should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind +of crochet or fancy work upon them. + +THIRD: + +_BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER._ + +This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It knits +every thing. + +FOURTH: + +_AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE._ + +This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on +all former machines. No. 1, with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and +Cover, complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole +parts, etc., price, $60. + +WE WILL SEND THE + +Family Spinner, price, $3, for 4 subscribers and $16. +No. 1 Crochet, " 8, " 4 " " 16. + " 2 " " 15, " 6 " " 24. + " 1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles, " 30, " 12 " " 43. + " 12 " " 84 " " 33, " 13 " " 52. +No.3 Automatic Knitter, 100 needles, price,37, for 15 subscribers and 60. +No.4 " " 2 cylinders ) " 40, " 16 " " 64. + 1 72 needles ) + 1 100 needles ) + +No. 1 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, price $75, for 30 + subscribers and $120. +No.2 " without buttonhole parts, etc., 60, " 25 + " " 100. + +Descriptive Circulars + +Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and +full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers. + +Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct +seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers +and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send +single names as they obtain them, deducting the commission. + +Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts on +New-York City; or if these can not be obtained, then by Registered Letters, +which any post-master will furnish. 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You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, Issue 10 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: December, 2005 [EBook #9544] +[This file was first posted on October 7, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, ISSUE 10 *** + + + + +E-text prepared by Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra Brown, and Project Gutenberg +Distributed Proofreaders from material generously made available by Cornell +University + + + + + + + +PUNCHINELLO, Vol. I, Issue 10 + +SATURDAY, JUNE 4, 1870. + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK. + + + + + +[Illustration: Vol. I. No. 10.] + + + + + + +CONANT'S + +_PATENT BINDERS_ + +FOR + +"PUNCHINELLO," + +to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent, post-paid, on receipt +of One Dollar, by + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +83 Nassau Street, New York City. + + * * * * * + +TO NEWS-DEALERS. + +PUNCHINELLO'S MONTHLY. + +THE FIVE NUMBERS FOR APRIL, + +Bound in a Handsome Cover, + +IS NOW READY. Price, Fifty Cents. + +THE TRADE + +SUPPLIED BY THE + +AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, + +Who are now prepared to receive Orders. + + * * * * * + +HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S + +STEEL PENS. + +These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper +than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is called +to the following grades, as being better suited for business purposes +than any Pen manufactured. The + +"505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," + +We recommend for bank and office use. + +D. APPLETON & CO., + +_Sole Agents for United States_. + + * * * * * + +[Sidenote: See 15th page for Extra Premiums.] + + * * * * * + +_Will Shortly appear: Our New Serial, written expressly for +Punchinello, +by ORPHEUS C. KERR, Entitled, "The Mystery of Mr. E. Drood." To be +continued weekly during this year._ + + +APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN + +"PUNCHINELLO" + +Should be addressed to + +J. NICKINSON, + +Room No. 4, + +83 NASSAU STREET. + + * * * * * + +Notice to Ladies. + +DIBBLEE, + +Of 854 Broadway, + +Has just received a large assortment of all the latest styles of + +Chignons, Chatelaines, etc. + +FROM PARIS. + +Comprising the following beautiful varieties: + +La Coquette, La Plenitude, Le Bouquet, + +La Sirene, L'Imperatrice etc., + +At prices varying from $2 upward. + + * * * * * + +PHELAN & COLLENDER, + +MANUFACTURERS OF + +Standard American Billiard Tables. + +WAREROOMS AND OFFICE, + +738 BROADWAY, NEW-YORK. + + * * * * * + +NEW-YORK CITIZEN + +AND + +ROUND TABLE, + +A Literary, Political, and Sporting paper, with + +the best writers in each department. Published every Saturday. + +PRICE--Ten Cents. + +32 Beckman Street. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: [Hercules with club and Apple of the Hesperides] +COPYRIGHT SECURED.] + +HERCULES MUTUAL +LIFE ASSURANCE +SOCIETY +OF THE UNITED STATES. + +No. 240 Broadway, New-York. + +POLICIES NON-FORFEITABLE. + +All Policies + +Entitled to Participation in Profits. + +Dividends Declared Annually. + + +JAMES D. REYMERT, President. + +ASHER S. MILLS, +Secretary. + +THOMAS H. WHITE, M.D., +Medical Examiner. + +ACTIVE AGENTS WANTED. + + * * * * * + +THE +MERCHANTS +Life Insurance Company +OF NEW-YORK. + +OFFICE, 257 BROADWAY, + +ORGANIZED UNDER THE LAWS OF THE STATE OF NEW-YORK. + +Issues all kinds of Life and Endowment Policies on the Mutual System, free +from restriction on travel and occupation, which permit residence +anywhere without extra charge. + +Premiums may be paid annually, semi-annually, or quarterly in cash. + +All Policies are non-forfeitable, and participate in the profits of the +Company. + +Dividends are made annually, on the Contribution plan. + +Pamphlets containing Rates of Premium, and information on the subject of +Life Insurance, may be obtained at the office of the Company, or any of +its Agents. + +Parties desiring to represent this Company in the capacity of Agents +will please address the New-York Office. + + +WILLIAM T. PHIPPS + +_President_. + +A.D. HOLLY, _Secretary_. + +HENRY HILTON, _Counsel_. + +O.S. PAINE, M. D. _Medical Examiner_ + +C.H. KING, M.D. _Asst. Med Ex._ + + +_Each Agent in direct communication with the New-York Office._ + + * * * * * + +Mercantile Library + +Clinton Hall, Astor Place, + +NEW-YORK. + + +This is now the largest circulating Library in America, the number of +volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 volumes are added each +month; and very large purchases are made of all new and popular works. + +Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each delivery. + + +TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP: + +TO CLERKS, + +$1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues. + +TO OTHERS, $5 a year. + +SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR + +SIX MONTHS. + + +BRANCH OFFICES + +AT + +NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK, + +AND AT + +Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth. + + * * * * * + +AMERICAN + +BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, + +AND + +SEWING-MACHINE CO., + +572 and 574 Broadway, New-York. + + +This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on +all the former machines, making, in addition to all work done on best +Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful + +BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES, + +in all fabrics. + +Machine, with finely finished + +OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER + +complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts, $50. This last +is beyond all question the simplest, easiest to manage and to keep in +order, of any machine in the market. Machines warranted, and full +instruction given to purchasers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HENRY SPEAR. PRINTER-LITHOGRAPHER STATIONER +BLANK BOOK MANUFACTURER. 82 WALL ST. NEW YORK.] + + * * * * * + +J. NICKINSON + +begs to announce to the friends of + +"PUNCHINELLO" + +residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has +Made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of + +ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED. + +the same will be forwarded, postage paid. + +Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing Houses +can have the same forwarded by inclosing two stamps. + +OFFICE OF + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. + +83 Nassau Street, + +[P.O. Box 2783.] + + * * * * * + +[ILLUSTRATION: WHAT WE MAY CONFIDENTLY LOOK FOR. + +_Jurywoman_. "I BEG TO INTERRUPT THE COURT WITH THE REQUEST THAT, BEFORE +THE CASE PROCEEDS ANY FURTHER, THE SHERIFF BE DIRECTED TO PROVIDE THE +JURYMAN ON MY RIGHT WITH A BOTTLE OF LURIN'S EXTRACT, OTHERWISE THE +FEMALE MEMBERS OF THE JURY WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE +CONSEQUENCES," etc., etc.] + + * * * * * + +A CONSISTENT LEAGUE. + +Immediately upon McFarland's acquittal, the Union League of Philadelphia +determined to give a grand ball. And they did it. And, what is more, +they intend to do it every time the majesty of any kind of Union is +vindicated. Except, of course, the union of the "Iron interest" and the +public good. + +One of the most valuable and instructive features of this ball was, the +grand opportunity it offered to the members of the League to show their +respect and affection for the spirit of the Fifteenth Amendment, +Accordingly, they invited a large number of colored ladies and +gentlemen, and the accursed spirit of caste was completely exorcised by +the exercises of the evening. The halls were grandly decorated with +blackberry and gooseberry bushes, and other rare plants; sumptuous +fountains squirted high great streams of XX ale and gin-and-milk; +enormous piles of panned oysters, lobster salad, Charlotte Russe, and +rice-pudding blocked up half the doorways, while within the dancing hall +the merriment was kept up grandly. The ball was opened by a grand +Cross-match waltz in which Hon. MORTON MCMICHAEL and Mrs. DINAH J--N; +GEORGE H. BOKER and Miss CHLOE P--T--N; WILLIAM D. KELLEY and Aunty Di. +LU-V-I-A-N; A. BORIE and Miss E. G--N; Gen. TYNDALE and Miss MAY OR--TY, +and several other distinguished couples twirled their fantastic toes in +the most reckless _abandon_. Virginia reels, Ole Kentucky break-downs, +and other characteristic dances diversified the ordinary Terpsichorean +programme, and the dancing was kept up to a late hour. It was truly +gratifying to every consistent supporter of the enfranchisement of the +African race, to see such gentlemen as _Senator_ REVELS, FREDERICK +DOUGLASS, Mr. PURVIS, and other prominent colored citizens, in the halls +of this patriotic and thoroughly American Society. The members of the +League were evidently of the opinion that it would be a most flagrant +shame, on an occasion of this kind, for them to deny to their colored +fellow citizens the rights and privileges that they are so anxious shall +be accorded them by every one else; and, while they do not believe that +they are bound to invite any one--black or white--to their private +reunions on account of political considerations, they do not attempt to +deny that, on an occasion of this kind--a celebration in fact of the +success of a political party--it would be most shameful to ostracize the +very citizens for whom that party labored and conquered. Therefore it +was that they so warmly welcomed, within their gorgeous halls, their +colored fellow-citizens, and by so doing won for themselves the +approbation of every consistent American. It was one of the most +affecting sights of the evening to see these gentlemen of the League, +nobly trampling under their feet all base considerations of color and +caste, and walking arm and arm with their colored sisters; smelling the +exotics; admiring the groups of statuary; sipping the coffee and the +punch; pricing the crimson curtains; inhaling the perfumes from the +cologne-water fountains; ascending and descending the grand walnut +staircase (arranged for this occasion only); listening to the birds in +the conservatories; and fixing their hair in the magnificent +dressing-rooms. When, in the midst of the festivities the band struck up +the beautiful air, "Ask me no more!" the honored guests of color looked +at each other with pleasant smiles which seemed to denote a perfect +satisfaction. And so, whatever may be said of the friends of the colored +race in other parts of the country, it must be universally admitted that +the Union League of Philadelphia has done its duty! + + * * * * * + +Good Reading for Topers. + +MR. GREELEY's "Recollections of a Boozy Life." + + * * * * * + +Sporting Intelligence. + +A NEWSPAPER item says that "a Mexican offers to shoot JUAREZ for $200." + +That's nothing. TAYLOR, of Jersey City, offers to shoot any man in the +world for $2000. + + * * * * * + +The Favorite Drink of the Canadian Government. + +CABINET Whiskey. + + * * * * * + +Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District +Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New-York. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE.] + +The public still labor under misapprehensions of our character and +calling. We are in daily receipt of letters of the most heterogeneous +description, the task of answering which we are compelled to utterly +forego. + +We subjoin a few specimens: + +"MR. PUNCHINELLO. _Dear Sir_: My wife died yesterday, and would you be +so kind as to come and make her will? I would not give you the trouble +of coming, but the young woman I intend to marry next is going away +to-morrow, and I don't want to leave home. My wife had five hundred +dollars which I want left to me, and a feather bed, which you may divide +amongst the children. + +"Yours in affliction, + +"SOLOMON SNIPP." + + +"SIR: I calculate to give a funeral down at my place shortly, that is, +if things go right; but we have no preacher to do the work. Would you +please to send us one? Not particular what kind, so long as the work is +_sure_. Party is not dead yet, but I make arrangements beforehand as I +expect to be insane. Good pay for good work. + +"Sincerely, + +"P. MCFINIGAN. + +"P. S. Do preachers warrant their burials?" + + +"DEAR MR. PUNCHINELLO:--You were so good as to prescribe a hot pitch +plaster for the baby's mouth. Next day I took the prescription to your +office, but failed to get it made up, as the devil, they told me, was +busy. Will you please inform me when you will be at leisure? Meanwhile +baby yells. + +"Yours truly, + +"C. PUGSBY. + +"P.S. _Later_. Mrs. PUGSBY says if I apply that plaster she will go +insane. True, she does not understand fire-arms, but then I should be +afraid to drink any coffee for a month. In the meantime, if the baby +keeps on, I shall go crazy myself; so there is likely to be a casualty +somewhere. What's to be done? Shall I bring the child to you? + +"C. P." + + +_Answer_. At your peril. Go crazy and shoot it; then we will go crazy +and turn counsel for the defence. The result will probably be that you +are handed over to the ladies to be kissed into reason; but if you would +rather be hung, you must do the shooting over in New-Jersey. + + * * * * * + +"BEAUTIFUL SNOW." + +Circumstances having rendered it probable that the dispute respecting +the authorship of the poem "Beautiful Snow" may shortly be revived, +PUNCHINELLO takes this opportunity of setting the public right on the +subject, and silencing further controversy regarding it for ever. + +It is the production of Mr. PUNCHINELLO, himself; was composed by him so +long ago as July, 1780, and copyrighted in August of the same year. It +may be asked how the idea of snow-flakes happened to occur to him in +July. That question is easily settled. The day was sultry; thermometer +98° in the arbor. Drowsed by the sultry air--not to mention the iced +claret--Mr. PUNCHINELLO posed himself gracefully upon a rustic bench, +and slept. Presently the lovely lady who was fanning him, fascinated by +the trumpet tones that preceded from his nose, exclaimed: "Beautiful +Snore!" This was repeated to him when he awoke, and hence the origin of +the poem. + + * * * * * + +Fish Culture. + +The Grand Duke ALEXIS, of Russia, proposes to come to these shores and +inspect the American system of fish culture. With this end in view, he +will, of course, be the particular guest of Gen. GRANT, and will, no +doubt, be surprised to find that our principal FISH is a cultivated man. +But he will better understand our FISH system by witnessing its +operations in Spanish and Canadian waters, as also in those of Sault St. +Marie. + + * * * * * + +Linsey-Woolsey. + +The regular troops for the Canadian Red River Expedition have been +supplied by Gen. LINDSEY, and are commanded by Col. WOLSLEY--a fact +oddly co-incidental with the reported flimsy character of the +expedition, so far as it has gone. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TOO TRUE! Scene-Academy. Time-Spring of 70. Miss Smith. +"WHAT DOES 'N.A.' MEAN AFTER SOME OF THESE ARTISTS' NAMES?" Miss Brown. +"N.A. WHY IT MUST MEAN 'NEEDY ARTISTS.' POOR FELLOWS!"] + + * * * * * + +Bivalvulor Intelligence. + +It is stated that the clams along the Stratford shore are dying by +thousands of a malignant disease, which a correspondent of the +Bridgeport _Standard_ calls "clam cholera." This is a sad c'lamity for +the people of the Stratford shore. + + * * * * * + +The Fifteenth Amendment. + +The appointment of colored postmasters in Maryland may be all very well; +but PUNCHINELLO would like to know whether the Post-office authorities +intend to revive the custom of Blackmailing. + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +[Illustration: C] + +Comedy personified, in Mr. CLARKE, has now reigned at BOOTH'S for nearly +six weeks. During that time there has been a perceptible change in the +metaphorical atmosphere of the house. The audience no longer wears the +look of subdued melancholy which was once involuntarily assumed by each +mourner for the memory of SHAKSPEARE, who passed the solemn threshold. +The ushers no longer find it necessary to sustain their depressed +spirits by the surreptitious chewing of the quid of consolation, and are +now the most pleasant, as they were always the most courteous, of their +kind. Persons have even been heard, within the past week, to allude to +BOOTH'S as a "theatre," instead of a "temple of art;" and though the +convulsions of nature which attend the shifting of the scenery, and +cause castles to be violently thrown up by volcanic eruptions and +forests to be suddenly swallowed by gaping earthquakes, impart a certain +solemnity to the brightest of comedies, still there is a general +impression among the audience that BOOTH'S has become a place of +amusement. And in noting this change PUNCHINELLO does not mean to jeer +at the former and normal character of BOOTH'S. BEETHOVEN'S Seventh +Symphony, DANTE'S Inferno, JEFFERSON'S Rip Van Winkle, and EDWIN BOOTH'S +Hamlet are not amusing, but it does not follow that they are therefore +unworthy of the attention of the public, which is pleased with the +rattle of De Boots, and tickled with the straw of Toodles. + +FOX vs. GOOSE is a three act comedy in which Mr. CLARKE last week made +his audience laugh as freely as though the tomb-stones of all the +Capulets were not gleaming white and awful in the lamplight of the +property-room; or, at all events, would be gleaming if any body were to +hunt them up with a practicable lantern. The opening scene is the +tap-room of an inn, where Mr. FOX FOWLER, an adventurer, is taking his +ease and his unpaid-for gin-and-milk. + +_Enter Landlord, presenting his bill_. "Here, sir, you've been drinking +my beer for several years, and now I want you to pay for it." + +_Fox_. "My friend! why ask me to pay bills? Do you not perceive that I +wear a velvet coat? And, besides, even if I wanted to pay I could not +until my baggage, which I gave to an expressman ten years ago, shall +reach me. It will probably arrive in a month or two more." + +_Landlord_. "Here comes Sir GANDER GOSLING. I'll complain to him of your +conduct." + +(_Enter Sir Gander_.) + +_Fox_. "My dear Sir GANDER. Allow me to embrace you." + +_Sir Gander_. "I don't know you. I'm not my son JACK." + +_Fox_. "But I am Jack's dearest friend. I have saved him from drowning, +from matrimony, from reading the _Nation,_ from mothers-in-law, and all +other calamities mentioned in the litany." + +_Sir Gander_. "Describe him to me, if you know him so well." + +_Fox_. "He is tall, dark, slender, and quiet in manner." + +_Sir Gander_. "My dear fellow he is short, fat, light, and noisy. I am +convinced that you know him. Permit me to pay your bill, lend you money, +and tell you all about our dear JACK'S intended marriage." (_He pays, +lends, and narrates accordingly. A terrific rattling of dishpans +simulates the arrival of a train. Sir_ GANDER _departs and_ JACK GOSLING +_enters._) + +_Fox_. "My dear JACK, allow me to embrace you." + +_Jack_. "I don't know you. I'm not my father." + +_Fox_. "But I am your father's dearest friend. Sit down and have a +bottle of wine, and tell me all about ROSE MANDRAKE, your intends bride. +'Rose! Rose! the coal black Rose!' as MILTON finely remarks." (_They sit +down and_ JACK _immediately gets very drunk, thereby affording another +proof of the horribly adulterated condition of the liquor used on the +stage, which infallibly intoxicates an actor within two minutes after it +is imbibed. [Let the Excise authorities see to this matter.] Finally_ +JACK _falls, and the curtain immediately follows his example.) + +Critical Young Man, who reads all the theatrical "notices" in the Herald +in the leisure moments when he is not selling yards of tape and ribbon_. +"I don't think much of CLARKE. He ain't half the man that NED FORREST +is. There ain't a bit of spontanatious humor in him. Them San Francisco +Minstrels can beat him out of sight." + +_Accompanying Young Female Person_. "Yes, I think so, too. I hate to see +a man act drunk. It's so low and vulgar. I like pretty plays, like they +have at WALLACK'S." + +_Respectable Old Gentleman_. "PLACIDE--BLAKE--BURTON--" + +_Every Body Else_. "Well, this is real humor; I haven't laughed so much +since I heard BEECHER preach a funeral sermon." + +The second act takes place in the house of Major MANDRAKE. Fox has +successfully assumed the character of JACK GOSLING, and is having a +pleasant chat with the family, when the gardener enters to inform the +Major that a flock of crows is in sight. + +_Major Mandrake_. "I love the pleasures of the chase. Bring my gun, and +I will shoot the crows." (_He goes out, and shoots_ JACK, _who is +climbing over the gate. Re-enter Major and men carrying_ JACK.) + +_Major_. "Alas! I have missed the crow over the cornfield, and lost the +crow over my shooting which I would otherwise have had. Also I have shot +a man out of season, and the sportsmen's club will prosecute me." + +_Jack_. "I am not dead, though my appearance and conversation might +induce you to think so. My name is JACK GOSLING. The chap in the velvet +coat is an impostor." + +_Major, Fox, and other dramatis persons_. "Away with the wretch! He +himself is the impostor. Call a policeman who will club him if he makes +no resistance." + +JACK is dragged away, but perpetually returns and denounces his rival. +He is bitten by suppositious dogs cunningly simulated by stage +carpenters, who remark "bow wow" from behind the scenes. He is cut by +ROSE MANDRAKE, and also by rows of broken bottles, which line the top of +the wall on which he makes a perilous perch, not having a pole or rod +with which to defend himself against the dogs. He is challenged by Fox +and seconded by Miss BLANCHE BE BAR in naval uniform. Finally he takes +refuge in the china closet, and hurls cheap plates and saucers at his +foes. With the exhaustion of the supply of crockery, the act naturally +comes to an end, and, as frequently occurs in similar cases, the curtain +falls. + +_Comic Man_. "Why does CLARKE, when he slings china at the company, +remind you of the Paraguayan war? Of course you give it up. Because he +carries on a war on the Plate. Do you see it? Crockery plates and the +river Plate, you know. Ha! ha!" + +And two ushers, reinforced by a special policeman, drag the miserable +man away, and lead him to MAGONIGLE'S private room, there to be dealt +with for the hideous crime of making infamous jokes in BOOTH'S theatre. +He is never seen again, and so the Philadelphia _Day_ loses its +brightest ornament. + +The third act consists of a duel between JACK and FOX, each of whom is +too cowardly to fight. They therefore follow the safer example of rival +editors, and swear and scold at each other. At last a small millennium +of universal reconciliation takes place, and the usual old comedy "tag" +ends the play. + +(Parenthetically, why "tag?" Does it receive this name because its +invariable stupidity suggests those other worthless commodities "rag" +and "bob-tail," which, outside of theatres, are generally associated +with the name.) + +And every body goes away murmuring of the genial humor of CLARKE, the +magical violin of MOLLENHAUER, the elegance, convenience and comfort of +the theatre, the matchless memory of BOOTH'S Hamlet and Iago, and the +golden certainty of the coming of Rip Van Winkle. And every body is +supremely satisfied, and says to every body else, "This theatre needs +only a company, to be the foremost theatre of either continent." + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +Remarks by Our Stammering Contributor. + +The up-town theatrical sensation is, we hear, produced "regardless of +expense." We had reason to think that its managers would show more +Frou-frou-frugality. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PISCATORY DISCUSSION. + +_Uncle Walton_. "THAR! DIDN'T I TOLE YER? KNOW'D HE COULDN'T KETCH NO +FISH WID DAT 'AR BUGGY-WHIP OF A THING!" + +_Isaac_. "YAH! DON'T TALK!--WAIT TILL HE TURNS DAT 'AR CRANK, AND SEE IF +DE PEERCH DON'T COME A-WINDIN' IN!"] + + * * * * * + +COMIC ZOOLOGY. + +THE MONKEY TRIBE. + +Of this genus there are countless varieties, differing widely in the cut +of their monkey jackets, as the untravelled American naturalist will +doubtless have observed on traversing his native sidewalk. The educated +specimens met with in our cities are upon the whole well Organized, and +appear to have music in their soles. For its feats _à pied_, the tame +monkey is indebted to a Piedmontese who accompanies him. + +To behold the monkey race in their glory, however, they must be seen in +their native woods, where they dwell in genteel independence, enjoying +their entailed estates and living on their own cocoa nuts. There will be +found the Gibbon, whose Decline and Fall when yielding the Palm to some +aspiring rival is swifter than that of the Roman Empire; the Barberry +Ape, so called from feeding exclusively on Barberries; the +Chimpanzee--an African corruption of Jump-and-see, the name given to the +animal by his first European discoverers in compliment to his alertness; +the Baboon, a melancholy brute that, as you may observe from his visage, +always has the blues; to say nothing of a legion of Red Monkeys, which +are particularly Rum Customers. + +Some men of science have advanced the theory that man is the climactic +consequence of innumerable improvements of the monkey; the negro as he +now exists being the result of the Fifteenth Amendment. These +philosophers erect a sort of pyramid of progress, placing an Ape at the +base and a Caucasian at the Apex. This wild hypothesis of a monkey +apotheosis can of coarse only be regarded Jockolarly, in other words, +with a grin. Nevertheless the Marmozet is sufficiently like a little +Frenchwoman to be called a Ma'amoiselle, and there are (in New-Zealand +for instance) human heathen with a craving for the Divine, to whom the +Gorilla, though not a man, is certainly a brother. Possibly the Orang +Outang, if able to express his thoughts in an harangue, might say with +Mr. DICKENS, "I am very human." He certainly looks it. + +There is a strong facial resemblance among the simious races--_Simia +Similibus_. This likeness does not, however, extend in all cases to the +opposite extremity. Some monkeys have no tails. Of the tailless Apes it +is said that they originally erased their rear appendages by too much +sitting--perhaps as members of the "Rump" in some Anthropoid Congress. +Be that as it may, the varieties that have retained their tails seem +disposed to hang on to them, and will doubtless continue to do so by +hook or by crook. + +The natives of Africa believe that the monkeys would converse with them +if they were not afraid of being set to work; but it is quite apparent +that they are not averse either to labor or conversation, inasmuch as +among themselves they frequently Mow and Chatter. + + * * * * * + +THE GREAT AFRICAN TEA COMPANY. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: If I can induce you to take a few shares in the +above-named Co. (at a merely nominal price, I assure you,) I think I +shall do you a very great favor, and at the same time secure to the Co. +the benefit of your enormous influence. + +The Grand Points, in this unequalled Scheme, may be explained as +follows: + +The Tea is from the new African Tea Fields, (that is the holds of ships +in which it has spoiled, or become musty, or lost its bouquet, and the +old chests of the usual dealers,) and is delivered in our ware-rooms for +a mere song, so to speak: say the Song of Sixpence (a pound.) + +At a small additional outlay, we dye and scour this Tea, or otherwise +Renovate it to such an extent that Nature herself would be deceived, at +least till she began to sip the decoction from it, when, perhaps, she +would conclude not to try any further issues with this Co. + +These African Tea Fields (cultivated by Ourselves) are "situated near +the Cape of Good Hope." From the recent appreciation of African +Interests (and, of course, technology,) you will perceive that in our +Name and Scheme is Good Hope indeed, for the Stockholders, if not the +tea-drinkers. + +Our system of business embraces, in part, the following ingenious and +strictly novel features: By means of circulars and extensive advertising +we convince the public (an easy task) that, in consequence of Raising +the Tea Ourselves, from "Our Own Tea Fields," (and thus saving a great +many profits to different absorbents of the people's money,) we can +afford it at ruinously low prices, yet the Tea is always A. 1. (which, +in familiar language, might be construed as A Wonder especially to the +Chinese.) We make a great variety out of the same stock! One may always +know the Great A. Co.'s Tea from the circumstance of it's never having +either odor or flavor. We find, after ample experience, that the +presence of either of these qualities directly injures the sale. Give it +plenty of Astringency (an easy knack) and it will be sure to go down in +this country. It is our experience (and that of many other Operators of +our kind--or _upon_ our kind, if you prefer the phrase,) that people +_like to be imposed upon,_ and can always be taken with the Economical +hook. If an article (of Tea, for instance) is only "cheap" enough, it +may be ever so nasty and unwholesome, and yet it will Sell! Sell? Bless +you! you can't produce it fast enough--even from your Own Tea Fields! + +We make an article of Coffee (which we have almost decided to call +Cuffee) that has as much Color in one pound as the real (an inferior) +article has in six! Boarding-house keepers praise it! It goes far, and +is actually preferred to Mocha! We sell it for less than the latter +could be bought for at wholesale, in Arabia, and yet you will readily +believe we make money by it. + +A few shares will be sold to you for a mere fraction of their nominal +value. Call and see us, at the sign of the GREAT AFRICAN (TEA CO.) + +T. T. T. (for the Co.) + + * * * * * + +OUR CUBAN TELEGRAMS. + +We are happy to inform our readers that we have made a special +arrangement with the telegraph companies, by which we shall receive the +only reliable news from Cuba. The following telegrams from Havana, which +were received at this office at a late hour last night, will show how +full and accurate our Cuban news will henceforth be: + +FIRST DISPATCH. + +HAVANA, May 26th, 9 P.M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--A great battle was +fought yesterday between the National army and the Spanish Cut-throats. +General CESPEDES, with five hundred men, attacked VALMESEDA, who had +eleven thousand men in a strong position, and completely routed him. The +Invaders lost ten thousand in killed and wounded, and nine hundred +prisoners. Twenty pieces of artillery were captured. This blow will +crush the Spanish brigands, and make certain the independence of the +island. Our loss was trifling--only a drummer-boy or two. + +SECOND DISPATCH. + +9:30 P.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--A great battle was fought +yesterday between the loyal army and the rebel hordes. General +VALMESADA, with five hundred men, attacked CESPEDES, who had eleven +thousand men in a strong position, and completely routed him. The +brigands lost ten thousand in killed and wounded, and nine hundred +prisoners. Twenty pieces of artillery were captured. This blow will +crush the rebels, and make certain the establishment of order in the +island. Our loss was trifling--only a sutler or two. + +THIRD DISPATCH. + +10 P.M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--Our victory was more complete than +at first believed. Only two Spaniards escaped. Our only loss was one +drummer-boy slightly wounded. + +FOURTH DISPATCH. + +10:30 P.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--Our victory was more +complete than was at first believed. Only two rebels escaped. Our only +loss was one sutler somewhat demoralized. + +FIFTH DISPATCH. + +11 P.M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--CESPEDES had only two hundred men, +and VALMESADA eight thousand. The latter is reported killed. The victory +was complete. + +SIXTH DISPATCH. + +11:30 P.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--VALMESEDA had only two +hundred men, and CESPEDES eight thousand. The latter is reported killed. +The victory was complete. + +SEVENTH DISPATCH. + +12 M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--The battle was not so bloody as was at +first reported. The Patriots had fifty men, and were greatly +outnumbered. Several dead Spaniards were left on the field. No artillery +was captured, but a great quantity of supplies was taken. + +EIGHTH DISPATCH. + +12:30 A.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--The battle was not so +bloody as was at first reported. The loyal force consisted of only fifty +men, and many dead rebels were left on the field. No artillery was +captured, but a great quantity of bananas was taken. + +NINTH DISPATCH. + +1 A.M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--It is now known that the battle was +only a skirmish. The Spaniards attacked our men in order to seize upon +their extra linen. They were repulsed however. + +TENTH DISPATCH. + +1:30 A.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--It is now known that the +battle was only skirmish. The rebels attacked a hen-roost in search of +eggs, but were repulsed. + +ELEVENTH DISPATCH. + +3 A.M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--The rumor of a battle seems to have +originated in a fight between a Patriot and a mob of blood-thirsty +Spaniards in an alley in this city. The latter managed to escape. + +TWELFTH DISPATCH. + +2:30 A.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--The rumor of a battle +evidently grew out of a fight in an alley of this city, between a +Volunteer and a mob of rebel sympathizers. The latter were all arrested. + +THIRTEENTH DISPATCH. + +3 A.M.--(_From the American, Consul_.)--Yesterday a Cuban boy threw a +stone at a dog belonging to one of the volunteers. The dog ran away. All +is quiet in the city, and elsewhere on the island. + +At this point we were compelled to go to press. The above dispatches, +however, furnish the latest and only reliable intelligence from Cuba. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ONE VIEW OF THE QUESTION. + +_Nervous Man_. "UP FOUR FLIGHTS OF STAIRS, AND THROUGH NO END OF CROOKED +PASSAGES. HOW AM I TO GET OUT IN CASE OF FIRE?" + +_Polite Waiter_. "NO OCCASION WHATEVER FOR ANXIETY, SIR; THE HOUSE IS +FULLY INSURED."] + + * * * * * + +A Good Turn Meant. + +THERE is some talk of reviving the Tournament in this region, and the +young men are expected to show their skill in "riding at the ring." If +our young men were to put any number of good sharp lances through a few +of our City Rings, they would be noble and chivalrous fellows, surely. + + * * * * * + +The Dumb Beasts' Friend. + +Mr. BERGH, the philodoggist, is an honest oracle in his way, and when he +opes his mouth we hope no cur will be ungrateful enough to bark. He says +in his last lecture that dumb animals are creatures like unto himself. +That accounts for Mr. BERGH being Deer to the quadrupeds, and such a +Terrier to their enemies. + + * * * * * + +Land and Water. + +An Ocean Cable Company has just asked Congress for a grant of lands. The +request is natural, as the Company, of course, wants to see its cable +well Landed. + + * * * * * + +The Kellogg Testimonial. + +Gifts should be seasonable. We therefore signify our highest approval of +the judgment of those "keyind" friends who lately gave to Miss CLARA +LOUISE KELLOGG, our own beloved nightingale, an elegant "Fruit +Receiver." Birds, as a rule, are prohibited by law from partaking of +fruit, but that is only while it is the on branches; and, perhaps, if +EVE had only possessed an elegant "Fruit Receiver," she might have put +the apple into it, instead of eating that most unfortunate pippin, so +greatly to human distress and detriment. And, now that Miss CLARA has +such a beautiful article to hold them, we suggest that, at her next +benefit, instead of the fading and comparatively worthless bouquets, she +be presented with a bushel of the very best pippins--and we intend to do +it. + + * * * * * + +Latest About Garibaldi. + +It is stated, now, that GARIBALDI, foiled in his attempts to join the +Italian insurgents, is about to throw himself, sword in hand, among the +Red River malcontents. This rumor has its origin, probably, in the fact +that GARIBALDI usually wears a red shirt. + +[Illustration: (Man about to stomp on mole marked "Arcade RR.") BROADWAY +SAVED! GOVERNOR HOFFMAN PUTS HIS FOOT DOWN UPON THE MOLE THAT WAS GOING +TO UNDERMINE OUR GREAT THOROUGHFARE.] + + * * * * * + +Stridor Dentium. + +The Massachusetts Dentists (excellent men, not to be spoken of without a +shudder) have been holding an annual meeting in Boston. They talked, +discussed, suggested and explained; and then, to show that they were +physicians who could heal themselves, they partook together of a most +beautiful dinner. We are not told so, but we suppose that the viands on +this occasion were of the very toughest description--geese of venerable +age, fried heel tops, and beef like unto the beef of a boarding-house. +Whether, considering their facilities for mastication, a landlord should +not charge the members of a Dental Association double, is a question for +casuists. + + * * * * * + +English News. + +It is noted, as a very remarkable fact, that "the Member of Parliament +for Sheffield first entered that town as an Italian image boy." He was +the image of his mother. + + * * * * * + +In the Air. + +_Voice at Rome_. "I am the infallible PIO Nono." + +_Echo, everywhere_. "'No! no!'" + + * * * * * + +Ancient Inscription on the Throne of Spain. + +M. T. + + * * * * * + +THE ROBINS. + +[_Compare a much more "poetic" effusion, under this head, in all the +American newspapers_.] + + There's a screech upon the housetop, a creak upon the plain, + It's a libel on the sunshine, its a slander on the rain; + And through my brain, in consequence, there darts a horrid thought + Of exasperating wheelbarrows, and signs, with torture fraught! + So, all these breezy mornings through my teeth is poured the strain: + _Confound the odious "Robins," that have now come back again!_ + + They bring a thought of strawberries, which I shall never taste; + Plums, cherries, ditto, ditto, which these maurauders waste-- + Who never _will_ catch worms and flies, as smaller "warblers" do, + But want precisely those nice things which grow for me and you! + I muse on all their robberies, and mutter this fierce strain: + _Confound these odious "Robins," that have now come back again!_ + + Oh, bah! What bosh these "poets" write, about this humbug pet! + Firstly, they're _not_ true "Robins," but a base, inferior set; + Second, there is no music in their creaking, croaking shriek; + Third, they are slow and stupid--common birds from tail to beak! + Tis said, "they come so early." Well, I'd rather they'd come late. + They're simply made for pot-pies, and deserve no better fate. + + Who ever thought to welcome the ingenious, sprightly Wren? + With his pretty, joyous carol, which should thrill the heart of men? + Now _that_ is _music_, mind you! And how small the throat that + sings! + Besides, he lets your fruit alone, and lives on other things! + Inspired by this trim fairy, many souls will swell the strain: + _Confound the odious "Robins," that have now come back again!_ + + * * * * * + +CAUTION! + +There is shortly to arrive in Paris a dwarf aged about fifty-five years, +having a beard reaching to his feet, but with only one arm and a +completely bald head. He possesses 2,000,000 francs, which he is willing +to share with any young girl about twenty years old, who is pretty and +good tempered. + +The person above alluded is, unquestionably, our eldest son, Mr. +PUNCHINELLO, Jr. He is--we say it with many tears--as great a rascal as +any in the world, although no child was ever flogged more regularly and +affectionately. His conduct broke his mother's head; and he was put +under bonds to keep the peace at the age of two years. After a long +period of flagrant insubordination, he ran away with a part of our +money, and of his plunder he may possibly have 2,000,000 francs +left--but we don't believe it. This is to warn all tradesmen in Paris +from trusting him on our account, as we shall pay no debts of his +contracting. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEW PLEA FOR MURDER + +MAN WITH REVOLVER. "OF COURSE I'VE KILLED HIM, BUT IT'S NO MURDER, FOR +I'M INSANE. IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, THERE'S MY MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE!"] + + * * * * * + +CONDENSED CONGRESS. + +SENATE. + +[Illustration: D] + +DRAKE quacked according to his custom--this time about the propriety of +hanging people in the Southern States. There were several people in +Missouri whom he particularly desired to see extinguished. He referred +to the fiends in human shape, whose hands were dripping with loyal gore, +and whom the unrepentant rebels of his State actually desired to send to +the Senate, in the place of himself. He lacked words to express his +sense of so gross an outrage. He thought that he could be comparatively +happy if forty thousand men were hanged or otherwise "disabled" from +voting against him. That would make his reëlection a pretty sure thing. + +Mr. FERRY said he really thought this thing had gone far enough. People +were coming to understand that the general run, he did not refer to Bull +Run, of the Northern army was just about as good, and no better, than +the general run, he did not refer to Gettysburgh, of the Southern army. +As for DRAKE, he was a _canard_, and his statement was another. He did +not approve of the bloody Drakonian code. + +Mr. MORTON said FERRY was very easily crossed. As for him he considered +that FERRY was a Copperhead. + +Mr. REVELS was in favor of removing disabilities as soon as it could be +done with safety. They all knew what he meant by safety. As soon as not +only his calling, which was formerly clerical, although now legislative, +and election were made sure, he was ready to let everybody vote. While +his election was doubtful, he was in favor of keeping out votes enough +to insure it. He believed that to be the view of every Senator. (Hear. +Hear.) + +Mr. SAWYER thought his opinion as good as REVELS'S, if he was white. He +considered that he was safe in South Carolina, and he disapproved of the +glut of Republican Southern Senators. Upon these grounds he went for the +removal of the disabilities. + +HOUSE. + +Mr. DAWES did a neat thing. He represented that the Naval Appropriation +bill contained a number of most nutritious jobs (as indeed it turned out +that it did.) Upon this hint SCHENCK agreed to let the tariff "pass" for +the present, though he reserved the right to order it up at any time. +Thereupon the astute DAWES moved to postpone it indefinitely, to the +huge disgust of Mr. SCHENCK, who said he ought to be ashamed of himself. +Here was the oyster pining for protection, the peanut absolutely +shrivelling on its stalk under the neglect of Congress, and the American +hook-and-eye weeping for being overrun by the imported article. He hoped +the pig-iron, whose claims they had refused to consider, might lie heavy +on their souls. + +KELLEY was too full of pig-iron for utterance. + + * * * * * + +SPENCERIAN CHAFF. + +BY A CONFIRMED GRAHAMITE. + + If, in the "opening" of my learnéd friend + (Whose record I intend + Most handsomely and warmly to defend,) + You fancy that you now and then perceive + A word or phrase one hardly can conceive + Was uttered "by your leave;" + If--going further in my supposition-- + You fancy his condition + In some respects was not above suspicion; + If (Ah! there's virtue in an "if" sometimes-- + As there may be in crimes,) + You think it strange, what men will do for dimes; + Why, it is plainly due + To you, + And noble SPENCER, too, + That I should straightway boil with legal rage + At such injustice, and at once engage + To right the matter, on this virtuous page. + + I fear, my captious friend, + (To speak the truth,) you do not comprehend + The Majesty of Law! + Of Reason it is clearly the Perfection! + It is not merely Jaw! + Great Heaven! (excuse the interjection,) + If for this thing you have no greater awe, + You need correction! + Pray, do you fully realize, good Sir, + The Legal is a Gentlemanly cur? + True, we are sometimes forced to treat a Judge + As though he were a plain American. + But, fudge! + _He_ never minds; he's not a gentleman! + True, it is now and then our legal lot + To teach a stupid witness what is what, + Or show that he (or she) + Is rather worse than he (or she) should be; + We find it necessary, + Very, + To blacken what we have no doubt is white, + And whiten what is very black indeed. + Agreed! + + But ask the Client what _he_ thinks is right! + He may not care to see us fairly _fight,_ + (It _is not_ a pleasant sight,) + Or hear us curse till all is black as night, + For the whole Jury might perchance take fright; + But _he_ knows whether he is ably served! + Stern Duty's line, he'll tell you (if he's bright) + Is always either angular or curved. + Now, pray, no bosh + About the _habit of defending crime_ + Dulling the sensibilities in time! + The theory won't wash! + Once place my colleague on the other side, + You'd say, This lawyer should be deified! + Oh, what a conscience he would then reveal! + Sinners would tremble at his dread appeal! + You would perceive + (At least, you would be ready to believe,) + That, noting all the most abhorred deeds + Known to our records, this affair must needs + Be judged the blackest. Nothing like, since Cain. + And then, again---- + + But, pshaw! coming to look at you, I see + You're one of those odd folks who don't agree + With _any_ body. _You_ are not to pass + On these high questions; plainly, you're an ass. + I'd like to have you on the stand a minute! + You'd think the deuce was in it! + _I'd_ shake the humdrums out of you, I guess! + You'd presently confess + You thought that No was Yes. + It's just your sort--provided there's no hurry-- + We like to worry. + In twenty minutes, Sir, you wouldn't know + Your father from JIM CROW, + Or your illiterate self from LINDLEY MURRAY! + And now then, dunce, + Please move your boots, at once! + If 'twere not for some twinges of the gout, + I'd _kick_ you out! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A NEAT TURN + +_Mrs. Twigg_. "GOOD GRACIOUS! JOHN--YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING!" + +_Mr. Twigg_. "NORADROP, MY DEAR, _hic_, NORADROP. I'VE ONLY COME UP +_hic_, BY THE _hic, hic_, EL'VATED RAILWAY!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +Since "gin-and-milk" has been declared to be an uncanonical beverage, +much uncertainty prevails among the brethren of the cloth as to what +refreshment would be considered orthodox and proper. There is no doubt +that some men are so constituted as to require fluid aids to religion. +To deprive them of it would be to strike a blow at popular piety. As the +laborer is worthy of his hire, so is the minister, whose throat becomes +parched by reason of much exhortation, worthy of the liquid balm which +is to renew his powers and strengthen his organs. PUNCHINELLO has had +under consideration the question of inventing some drink which might +happily satisfy the wants of the thirsty and avoid the scandal which +"gin-and-milk" has created among the godly. Many correspondents have +suggested to him various decoctions, but, as they all involved +spirituous ingredients, he has felt compelled to reject them. After +considerable trial, he flatters himself, however, that he has fallen +upon a discovery which may remove every objection. It is very simple, +and that of itself should be a strong recommendation. + +Take some raw potatoes; thoroughly extract the juice; mix with it about +three ounces of horse-radish, (this to give it pungency,) flavor the +same with any aromatic root to suit the taste, and then let the whole +boil for one hour. After cooling, tightly bottle the mixture, and within +twenty-four hours it will be fit for use. The process then will be to +drink it in the same quantity that one would take either gin or whisky, +being careful to hold to the nose during the act of swallowing, a sponge +well saturated with pure alcohol. Between the pungency communicated to +the taste by the horse-radish and the fumes of the spirit invading the +nasal avenues, the illusion of a good "square drink" will be complete. + + * * * * * + +An instance of singularly vitiated taste has just come to the knowledge +of PUNCHINELLO. A caterer in Baxter Street provides juvenile boot-blacks +with the hind legs of rats, and declares that his guests eat them with +great avidity and experience no ill effects. They are rolled in +pulverized crackers, and cooked in lard. The dish is considered a great +dainty, and is only within the reach of the aristocratic portions of +that community. One chief cause of this culinary success is the fact +that the provider keeps the knowledge of it to himself, going upon the +French principle of "eat what's put before you and ask no questions." +Fried horse liver has risen to great popularity with Americans in Paris, +owing to the adoption of a similar caution. Fastidious tourists have +been known to smack their lips over horse tenderloin, under the +impression that the peculiarity of its flavor was to be attributed +entirely to the devices of a Parisian _cuisine_. + +This pleasant hypothesis has unquestionably prevented many a stomach +from revolting, and increased the reputation of French cooks. It is +related of the astronomer LALANDE that he often ate caterpillars and +spiders, affirming that the former tasted like almonds and the latter +like walnuts; but no American who ever feasted inadvertently on horse +liver or a savory sirloin of the same flesh, has yet been found to +acknowledge the fact, much less to promote a taste for it by any +seductive comparison. The Baxter Street purveyor imitates the Parisian +_restaurateur_ in the mystery with which he surrounds his art, and so +both prosper. + + * * * * * + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +_Georgia_. Mistaken. The columns of PUNCHINELLO are not for sale. If you +want to buy editorial columns you should apply to the managers of the +Washington _Chronicle_. For tariff of rates consult Governor BULLOCK of +your State, who is thoroughly informed on the subject. + +_Anxious Inquirer_. Our story of the "Mystery of Mr. E. DROOD," will +shortly be published in weekly parts, and it would be unfair to Mr. +DICKENS as well to Mr. ORPHEUS C. KERR to tell you the Mystery. + +_Traveller_. We believe that the Street Car Conductors are obliged to +pass a preliminary examination in packing herrings, before a car is +given to them. + +_Dramatical_. Can you tell me the origin of the expression, "Let's have +a smile," meaning of course, to take a drink?--Yes; it is from _Julius +Caesar_, where CASSIUS says to BRUTUS: + --"Farewell BRUTUS! + If we do meet again we'll Smile, indeed." +_Act V. Scene 1._ + +_Hoyle_. The old remark, "When in doubt play a trump," has fallen +through, as, when in doubt, the player generally plays the Deuce. + +_Henry Jones_. No. You are wrong. _Sic semper tyrannis, does not_ mean +_"Tyrants are always sick."_ + +_Villikens_. Mr. HORACE GREELEY, although an intimate personal friend of +WESTON, the pedestrian, is not, as you suppose, the Compiler of WALKER'S +Dictionary. + +_Cornet_. The critic was wrong in attributing "freshness" to the air of +"Walking down Broadway." If you walk down Broadway at this season you +will find the air any thing but fresh. + +_Gin-and-Milk_. It is a mistake. THEODORE TILTON never sang Comic Songs +in a Houston Street Free-and-Easy. + +_Chutney_. Somebody has been "selling" you. BABOO BRAHMIN CHUNDER SEN is +not a relation of HANS CHRISTIAN ANDERSEN. + +_Sculp_. Is it in your power to give the proportions of a perfect human +figure? + +_Answer_. Your question implies a doubt of the genius of a great +American Sculptor. It is _in_ our Power. Look at his figure of the Greek +Slave. + +_Richard III_. My friends think that I have a decided talent for the +stage. How can I be fitted for it? + +_Answer_. By a theatrical costumer. Pay great attention to "Measure for +Measure." + +_Debrett_. Who were the Knight's Companions of the Bath? + +_Answer_. Towels and Soap. + + + * * * * * + +NAPOLEON'S LATEST MANIFESTO TO THE FRENCH PEOPLE. + +[Illustration: T] + + True citizens of France I've the very great felicity-- + It almost overpowers me as you well can understand; + To give to the proud triumph of my policy publicity, + Majority six millions. Ah! _Mon Dieu!_ but it is grand. + + 'Tis true the Empire's Capital, the centre of authority, + Went against me in a fit of Red Republican romance; + But the Provinces in rolling up their glorious majority + Have proved, despite of precedents, that Paris is not France. + + Self-contained and unembarrassed, I awaited at the Tuileries + The issue, for I trusted the Nation's Common Sense; + And although the rowdy _Faubourgs_ tried a few of their Tom-fooleries, + My soldiers soon let light into each trumpery defence. + + I smile in cold contempt at the Old-time Barricade tricks-- + Each street, did I so order, were a cannon-swept defile, + I've bound Fortune to my Chariot, and defying all her jade tricks, + More in pity that in anger hear the roar of the _Canaille_. + + The _Drapeau Rouge is down_--HUGO, BLANC and LEDRU ROLLIN + Are as harmless as three kittens with their teeth and talons drawn; + And now my own loved France, with returns from every poll in, + I bid thee hail of Liberty the true and genial dawn. + + Though the Left's intemperate oracles, political and clerical, + Deny there's force or purpose in the People's mighty "Aye!" + They stultify their principles, for by ordeal numerical + Their Creed declares all policy should either live or die. + + To France I said, "My Country, behold I freely tender thee + All swords e'er won for freedom in the ages long ago, + All prerogatives that clash with it I offer to surrender thee, + Wilt take or spurn the guerdon? prithee, answer 'yes' or 'no.'" + + She has answered, France has answered, in thunderings articulate, + From the Alps and either Seaboard, to the Pyrenees, the Rhine; + And though a horde of demagogues may bellow and gesticulate, + They _know_ this is a victory of the PEOPLE'S RIGHT DIVINE. + + * * * * * + +The Dominion Again. + +What a set of grumblers the Canadians are. They seem never to be +satisfied with their public men. First they were berating the minister +of Justice for too large a practice at the Bar. Now they have turned +their attention to the gentleman (Mr. LANGEVIN) who is to engineer the +domestic relations between the Confederate Provinces, on the ground of +looking after his own Domestic Relations first. Surely, this is +"factious opposition," as their Mr. HOLTON would say. + + * * * * * + +SCIENCE FOREVER! + +MR. PUNCHINELLO is pleased to observe that there is to be a meeting of +the Western Social Science Association in Chicago, and he hereby +announces his intention of attending as a Volunteer Delegate. He will, +if he is well treated by the Convention, so that he may reach the +elevation of soul necessary, read exhaustive and exhausting papers on +the following subjects: + +1. On the complete removal of the buildings now constituting the City of +Washington to Chicago. + +2. On Free Drinks; their origin, history, purpose, and influence. + +3. On a curious fluid known as Drinking-Water; observed in other parts +of the world, but entirely unknown in Chicago. + +4. On Virtue its Own Reward, as exemplified in the Lives and Adventures +of the Chicago Police. + +5. On the Various Smells to be observed in Chicago (with pungent +experiments.) + +6. On the Exact Trigonometrical Measurement of a Corner in Grain. + +7. On the feasibility of working an Elevator entirely by whisky power. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO has prepared forty-nine other papers on different +scientific subjects, including Pugilism, Base Ball, the Velocipede, +Female Suffrage, and Lake Navigation; and he now awaits on invitation +from Chicago to come on with his largest drum and his most melodious +trumpet. He is aware of the general impression among the Children of the +West that they already know every thing. He hastens to assure them that +they labor under the most hideous of delusions. + + * * * * * + +A Midsummer Reading of Shakspeare. + + It must have been in "fly-time" that Shakspeare wrote-- + "When we have Shoo-flied off this mortal coil." + + * * * * * + +A Dead Beat to the Windward. + +MR. ASHBURY of "Cambria" fame. + + * * * * * + +THE FISHERY QUESTION. + +[Illustration: S] + +Some trouble with regard to the Gulf fisheries appears to be +anticipated, and loud calls are being made upon Government by the +fishermen, who demand that immediate steps be taken for securing their +rights. The unmasterly inactivity of President GRANT, in the matter, is +considered by the fishermen as indicating a want of Porpus. They are +also very much chagrined with the Government for sending out to the +fishing-banks a dispatch boat bearing the inappropriate name of +"Frolic." There is a levity about this quite out of keeping with the +serious character of the question, and it is doubtful whether the +fishermen would not prefer a fight on the banks to a Frolic. + +Although the Government appears to Flounder sadly in the mud-banks of +this fishery question, still there is some hope that coercive measures +may yet be taken for restraining the Dominion fishermen from having +every thing on their own hook. Rumor has it that the monitor +Miantonomah, Captain SCHUFELDT, is awaiting orders for a cruise to the +troubled waters. This will doubtless prove to be a very summary and +complete way of settling the difficulty, inasmuch as a few broadsides +from the huge thunderer referred to would kill every fish upon the +banks, and blacken each particular fisherman into an OTHELLO with an +"occupation gone." The Canadian fishermen, of course, would suffer +equally with those of our own shores. They are a light-hearted people, +though, are these Canadians, fond of music and dancing, and they would +doubtless find consolation for their troubles by addressing the skipper +of the Miantonomah in a grand MASANIELLO strain, chorussed with +"SCHUFELDT don't bother us!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DEPLORABLE ACCIDENT TO THAT FASHIONABLE YOUNG MAN +ALGERNON TYBALT PIPKINS, WHOSE HAT HAS BEEN BLOWN THROUGH THE RAILINGS +OF WASHINGTON PARK JUST AS THE MISSES ABINGDON ARE PASSING.] + + * * * * * + +OF MYTHOLOGY. + +Mythology is the term by which the ancient Greek or Roman used to +distinguish hiss religion from the rival religions of other and +heretical pagans. Just as Orthodoxy, according to DEAN SWIFT, means "my +doxy," and Heterodoxy, the doxy of other people; so the pious Roman used +to speak of "my thology" as the only genuine religion; the "thologies" +of other men being cheap and worthless counterfeits of the real article. +The classic mythology had a large and varied assortment of deities, from +which every man could select a supply to suit himself. Thus the lawyer +could place a bust of Mercury, the god of chicanery, in his office, and +so secure the patronage of the god and save the expense of a tin sign +announcing his profession. The editor could dedicate his paper to the +service of Janus, the two-faced deity, and thus pursue his business +without perilling his reputation for religious consistency. The +advantages of this sort of thing need hardly be enlarged upon. + +We propose to give easy and familiar descriptions of the more important +gods of classic mythology, for the benefit of our younger readers. We +therefore begin without further delay, with the chief deities of +Olympus, the celestial Tammany Hall of the period. The Olympians formed +a sort of Ring which governed the entire celestial and infernal world, +and as they were the only judges of elections, they retained the power +undisturbed. + +JUPITER. This individual was a jolly, good-tempered, old Olympian who +lived in great terror of his wife, JUNO, and was sadly addicted to +surreptitious beer, and undignified flirtations with the female +servants. He was fond of disguising himself, and staying out late at +night in search of adventures. It is difficult, however, to believe that +he really disguised himself as a swan, in order to present his bill to +LEDA. The story, doubtless, originated in the fact that JUNO called him +"an old goose," to which he very probably replied that "other woman +appreciated him better, and that LEDA, for example, would be more apt to +call him a duck or a swan, than a degraded and abject goose." So, too, +in regard to the story that he disguised himself as a bull, and in that +eccentric costume made love to EUROPA. One legend expressly states that +he pretended to be an Irish bull. This is, of course, a figurative way +of saying that he proclaimed himself an Irish gentleman, a descendant of +BRIEN BORU and a graduate of Trinity College. EUROPA was probably a +child's nurse, and the fascinating Irish gentleman was accustomed to +meet her in the Park, and enliven her with his national witticisms. One +can easily believe that he made love to DANAE by throwing a shower of +gold in her lap--a story which shows that women were much the same in +ancient times as they are to day. There is no denying that JUPITER was a +sad old dog, and that he would have been killed a dozen times by insane +husbands had he not been immortal. However, he was pretty severely +punished by JUNO, who was the leader of the Olympian Sorosis, and who +used to hear of all his disreputable flirtations from the respectable +spinsters of that Wild Goddess Association, and would keep him awake +night after night, with curtain lectures on the subject. JUPITER was, +_ex-officio_, the chairman of the Olympian Society, and he once crushed +a rebellion of the Titans, who were the Roughs of the period, by locking +them out of the Olympian Hall, and shying all sorts of heavy missiles, +such as charters--a Greek word signifying a mountainous burden--out of +the upper chamber at them. He had a large number of relatives whom he +placed in all the fat offices, and though there was some dissatisfaction +with his government, it was generally agreed that he was better fitted +for his position than anyone of the Titans would have been. No one knows +what was the ultimate fate of JUPITER. He was, however, dethroned by the +Emperor CONSTANTINE, and was never afterwards heard of; though it is +well known that the inhabitants of certain inland counties of New Jersey +still believe in his existence, and have not yet heard of CONSTANTINE'S +reformation. + + * * * * * + +Imperial Conundrum with an Irreconcilable Answer. + +Why is Paris the greatest place in the world for the prosecution of +newspaper enterprises? + +Because there all newspaper enterprises are prosecuted. + + * * * * * + +A Hanging that Ought to be "Played Out." + +That practised by the "hanging committee" of the Academy of Design. + + * * * * * + +Apropos of Theodora Thomas' Concerts. + +Come into the garden Maudlin. + + * * * * * + +TO OUR READERS. + +Many complaints have been made to the Publishers of PUNCHINELLO +regarding the price asked for the paper by news-dealers in some parts of +this city, as well as elsewhere--viz.: Fifteen Cents a single copy. + +Now, the price of a single copy of PUNCHINELLO is Ten Cents, and no +newsman has a right to charge more for one, seeing that his profit on it +at the regular price is equal to that made by him on any other +illustrated paper. + +However gratifying it may be to us to know that our paper is considered +by dealers as being more valuable than any other one of a similar class, +it has become necessary for us to correct the abuse referred to. The +best way of effecting this is for our readers to send in their +subscriptions directly to this office. To every subscriber who sends in +$4, PUNCHINELLO shall be sent for one year, together with a splendid +premium; particulars respecting which will be found on last page of this +number. + +By following this arrangement, readers will get the paper regularly at +their respective addresses, and will avoid the possibility of being +imposed on. + + * * * * * + +A. T. STEWART & CO. + +ARE OFFERING + +EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS IN + +French and English Carpets, Carpetings, +Cocoa and Canton Matting, +English and Domestic Oil Cloths, +PLAIN AND BROCHE SATIN +DAMASKS, BROCATELS, +TAPESTRIES, REPS, ETC., Imported expressly for + +Furniture Coverings and Curtain Materials. + +BROADWAY, + +Fourth Ave., Ninth and Tenth Sts. + + * * * * * + +HOUSEKEEPING GOODS. + +SHIRTING LINENS, PILLOW-CASE +LINENS, SHEETINGS, + +Damasks, Napkins, +_Towels, Towelings, Blankets, +Quilts,_ + +COUNTERPANES, FLANNELS. + +ALSO + +FRENCH AND BARNSLEY SHEETINGS, EXTRA +QUALITY DRESDEN DOUBLE DAMASK +TABLE-CLOTHS AND +NAPKINS. + +EMBROIDERED, LACE AND NOTTINGHAM +CURTAINS, GUIPURE CURTAINS, AND +SWISS DRAPERY BY THE YARD. + +THE ABOVE ARE OFFERED +At Greatly Reduced Prices. + +A.T. Stewart & Co., + +BROADWAY, +4th Ave., 9th and 10th Sts. + + * * * * * + +A. T. STEWART & CO. + +ARE OFFERING + +AT A GREAT REDUCTION FROM +FORMER PRICES, + +LADIES' PARIS-MADE SILK AND POPLIN DRESSES. +MISSES' AND CHILDRENS' PARIS, LONDON +AND DOMESTIC-MADE PLAIN, BRAIDED +AND EMBROIDERED PIQUE SUITS AND DRESSES, +LADIES' PLAIN AND EMBROIDERED +SKIRTS, EXTRA RICH, +LADIES' AND MISSES' SILK AND FANCY CLOTH +SACQUES, CLOAKS, ETC. + +Paris and Domestic-Made Bonnets. + +_Plain Centre, with Handsome Borders,_ + +REAL INDIA CAMELS HAIR SHAWLS, FROM +$50 UPWARD. + +BLACK ARABIAN LUSTERS, IRON GRENADINES, +BLACK CASHMERES, TAMISE CLOTHS, +BLACK ALPACAS, PRINTED FOULARDS, ETC. + +The above will be exhibited on separate counters in the 10th +Street, section. + +BROADWAY, + +Fourth Avenue, Ninth and Tenth Streets. + + * * * * * + +A. T. Stewart & Co. + +HAVE FOR SALE + +A SPLENDID STOCK OF EVERY VARIETY +OF BOYS' CLOTHING. + +ALSO + +_Cloths, Cassimeres, Linen Drills, +Twills, White Corduroys, Fancy +Cloakings, Tailors' Trimmings, +Ladies' Dress and Cloak Trimmings, +Gimp, Fringes, Braids, +Buttons, Superior Quality +Spool Cotton, Perfumery, +Toilet Articles, etc., etc._ + +At Popular Prices. + +BROADWAY, + +Fourth Avenue, Ninth and Tenth Streets. + + * * * * * + +SPECIAL + +PUNCHINELLO PREMIUMS. + +By special arrangement with + +L. PRANG & CO., + +we offer the following Elegant Premiums for new Subscribers to +PUNCHINELLO: + +"Awakening." (A Litter of Puppies.) Half Chromo, size, +8 3-8 by 11 1-8, price $2.00, and a copy of PUNCHINELLO for +one year, for $4.00. + +"Wild Roses." Chromo, 12 1-8 by 9, price $3.00, or any +other $3.00 Chromo, and a copy of the paper for one year for +$5.00. + +"The Baby in Trouble." 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The paper will be +sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise +ordered. + +Now is the time to subscribe, as these Premiums will be offered +for a limited time only. On receipt of a postage-stamp we will +send a copy of No. 1 to any one desiring to get up a club. + +Address + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +P. O. BOX 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New-York. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A DISTRESSING SITUATION. + +_Bridget, (responsively to Kate_.) "WHAT'S THE MATTHER WID ME, IS +IT? AH! THEN, THERE'S MATTHER ENOUGH. HERE'S THE MISSIS GONE OUT WID THE +KAY OF HER WARDROBE, AND ME OBLEEGED TO GO IN ME OULD DUDS AND SHOW +CINTRAL PARK TO ME COUSIN DINNIS JUST COME OUT FROM CORK!"] + + * * * * * + +"The Printing House of the United States." + +GEO. F. 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PRANG & CO., Boston. + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO. + +TERMS TO CLUBS + + +WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS + +FIRST: + +_DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER,_ + +The most complete and desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning +purposes. + +SECOND: + +_BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES._ + +These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful; +and every lady should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind +of crochet or fancy work upon them. + +THIRD: + +_BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER._ + +This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It knits +every thing. + +FOURTH: + +_AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE._ + +This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on +all former machines. No. 1, with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and +Cover, complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole +parts, etc., price, $60. + +WE WILL SEND THE + +Family Spinner, price, $3, for 4 subscribers and $16. +No. 1 Crochet, " 8, " 4 " " 16. + " 2 " " 15, " 6 " " 24. + " 1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles, " 30, " 12 " " 43. + " 12 " " 84 " " 33, " 13 " " 52. +No.3 Automatic Knitter, 100 needles, price,37, for 15 subscribers and 60. +No.4 " " 2 cylinders ) " 40, " 16 " " 64. + 1 72 needles ) + 1 100 needles ) + +No. 1 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, price $75, for 30 + subscribers and $120. +No.2 " without buttonhole parts, etc., 60, " 25 + " " 100. + +Descriptive Circulars + +Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and +full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers. + +Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct +seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers +and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send +single names as they obtain them, deducting the commission. + +Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts on +New-York City; or if these can not be obtained, then by Registered Letters, +which any post-master will furnish. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN EBOOKS*Ver.02/11/02*END* + diff --git a/old/8p11010.zip b/old/8p11010.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bcc58fd --- /dev/null +++ b/old/8p11010.zip diff --git a/old/8p11010h.htm b/old/8p11010h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0169a2e --- /dev/null +++ b/old/8p11010h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1883 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> +<title>PUNCHINELLO, Vol. I, Issue 10</title> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> +<style type="text/css"> +<!-- +body {margin:10%; text-align:justify} +img {border: 0;} +blockquote {font-size:14pt} +P {font-size:14pt} +--> +</style> +</head> +<body> + +<h1>Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 10</h1> +<pre> +Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 10, June 4, 1870, +by Various + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 10, June 4, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: December, 2005 [EBook #9544] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on October 8, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 10 *** + + + + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra Brown, and Project Gutenberg +Distributed Proofreaders from material generously made available +by Cornell University + + + + + +</pre> + +<br><hr><br> + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="cover.jpg (298K)" src="cover.jpg" height="1166" width="803"> +<br><br> +</center> + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="01.jpg (234K)" src="01.jpg" height="1120" width="763"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<center> +<h1>PUNCHINELLO, Vol. I, Issue 10</h1> + +<h2>SATURDAY, JUNE 4, 1870.</h2> + +<h4>PUBLISHED BY THE</h4> + +<h3>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</h3> + +<h3>83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK.</h3> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="02.jpg (260K)" src="02.jpg" height="694" width="897"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>A CONSISTENT LEAGUE.</h2> + +<p>Immediately upon McFarland's acquittal, the Union League of Philadelphia +determined to give a grand ball. And they did it. And, what is more, +they intend to do it every time the majesty of any kind of Union is +vindicated. Except, of course, the union of the "Iron interest" and the +public good.</p> + +<p>One of the most valuable and instructive features of this ball was, the +grand opportunity it offered to the members of the League to show their +respect and affection for the spirit of the Fifteenth Amendment, +Accordingly, they invited a large number of colored ladies and +gentlemen, and the accursed spirit of caste was completely exorcised by +the exercises of the evening. The halls were grandly decorated with +blackberry and gooseberry bushes, and other rare plants; sumptuous +fountains squirted high great streams of XX ale and gin-and-milk; +enormous piles of panned oysters, lobster salad, Charlotte Russe, and +rice-pudding blocked up half the doorways, while within the dancing hall +the merriment was kept up grandly. The ball was opened by a grand +Cross-match waltz in which Hon. MORTON MCMICHAEL and Mrs. DINAH J--N; +GEORGE H. BOKER and Miss CHLOE P--T--N; WILLIAM D. KELLEY and Aunty Di. +LU-V-I-A-N; A. BORIE and Miss E. G--N; Gen. TYNDALE and Miss MAY OR--TY, +and several other distinguished couples twirled their fantastic toes in +the most reckless <i>abandon</i>. Virginia reels, Ole Kentucky break-downs, +and other characteristic dances diversified the ordinary Terpsichorean +programme, and the dancing was kept up to a late hour. It was truly +gratifying to every consistent supporter of the enfranchisement of the +African race, to see such gentlemen as <i>Senator</i> REVELS, FREDERICK +DOUGLASS, Mr. PURVIS, and other prominent colored citizens, in the halls +of this patriotic and thoroughly American Society. The members of the +League were evidently of the opinion that it would be a most flagrant +shame, on an occasion of this kind, for them to deny to their colored +fellow citizens the rights and privileges that they are so anxious shall +be accorded them by every one else; and, while they do not believe that +they are bound to invite any one--black or white--to their private +reunions on account of political considerations, they do not attempt to +deny that, on an occasion of this kind--a celebration in fact of the +success of a political party--it would be most shameful to ostracize the +very citizens for whom that party labored and conquered. Therefore it +was that they so warmly welcomed, within their gorgeous halls, their +colored fellow-citizens, and by so doing won for themselves the +approbation of every consistent American. It was one of the most +affecting sights of the evening to see these gentlemen of the League, +nobly trampling under their feet all base considerations of color and +caste, and walking arm and arm with their colored sisters; smelling the +exotics; admiring the groups of statuary; sipping the coffee and the +punch; pricing the crimson curtains; inhaling the perfumes from the +cologne-water fountains; ascending and descending the grand walnut +staircase (arranged for this occasion only); listening to the birds in +the conservatories; and fixing their hair in the magnificent +dressing-rooms. When, in the midst of the festivities the band struck up +the beautiful air, "Ask me no more!" the honored guests of color looked +at each other with pleasant smiles which seemed to denote a perfect +satisfaction. And so, whatever may be said of the friends of the colored +race in other parts of the country, it must be universally admitted that +the Union League of Philadelphia has done its duty!</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<p>Good Reading for Topers.</p> + +<p>MR. GREELEY's "Recollections of a Boozy Life."</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<p>Sporting Intelligence.</p> + +<p>A NEWSPAPER item says that "a Mexican offers to shoot JUAREZ for $200."</p> + +<p>That's nothing. TAYLOR, of Jersey City, offers to shoot any man in the +world for $2000.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<p>The Favorite Drink of the Canadian Government.</p> + +<p>CABINET Whiskey.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<p>Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District +Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New-York.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="03.jpg (74K)" src="03.jpg" height="440" width="671"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<p>The public still labor under misapprehensions of our character and +calling. We are in daily receipt of letters of the most heterogeneous +description, the task of answering which we are compelled to utterly +forego.</p> + +<p>We subjoin a few specimens:</p> + +<p>"MR. PUNCHINELLO. <i>Dear Sir</i>: My wife died yesterday, and would you be +so kind as to come and make her will? I would not give you the trouble +of coming, but the young woman I intend to marry next is going away +to-morrow, and I don't want to leave home. My wife had five hundred +dollars which I want left to me, and a feather bed, which you may divide +amongst the children.</p> + +<p>"Yours in affliction,</p> + +<p>"SOLOMON SNIPP."</p> + +<p> +"SIR: I calculate to give a funeral down at my place shortly, that is, +if things go right; but we have no preacher to do the work. Would you +please to send us one? Not particular what kind, so long as the work is +<i>sure</i>. Party is not dead yet, but I make arrangements beforehand as I +expect to be insane. Good pay for good work.</p> + +<p>"Sincerely,</p> + +<p>"P. MCFINIGAN.</p> + +<p>"P. S. Do preachers warrant their burials?"</p> + +<p> +"DEAR MR. PUNCHINELLO:--You were so good as to prescribe a hot pitch +plaster for the baby's mouth. Next day I took the prescription to your +office, but failed to get it made up, as the devil, they told me, was +busy. Will you please inform me when you will be at leisure? Meanwhile +baby yells.</p> + +<p>"Yours truly,</p> + +<p>"C. PUGSBY.</p> + +<p>"P.S. <i>Later</i>. Mrs. PUGSBY says if I apply that plaster she will go +insane. True, she does not understand fire-arms, but then I should be +afraid to drink any coffee for a month. In the meantime, if the baby +keeps on, I shall go crazy myself; so there is likely to be a casualty +somewhere. What's to be done? Shall I bring the child to you?</p> + +<p>"C. P."</p> + +<p> +<i>Answer</i>. At your peril. Go crazy and shoot it; then we will go crazy +and turn counsel for the defence. The result will probably be that you +are handed over to the ladies to be kissed into reason; but if you would +rather be hung, you must do the shooting over in New-Jersey.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>"BEAUTIFUL SNOW."</h3> + +<p>Circumstances having rendered it probable that the dispute respecting +the authorship of the poem "Beautiful Snow" may shortly be revived, +PUNCHINELLO takes this opportunity of setting the public right on the +subject, and silencing further controversy regarding it for ever.</p> + +<p>It is the production of Mr. PUNCHINELLO, himself; was composed by him so +long ago as July, 1780, and copyrighted in August of the same year. It +may be asked how the idea of snow-flakes happened to occur to him in +July. That question is easily settled. The day was sultry; thermometer +98° in the arbor. Drowsed by the sultry air--not to mention the iced +claret--Mr. PUNCHINELLO posed himself gracefully upon a rustic bench, +and slept. Presently the lovely lady who was fanning him, fascinated by +the trumpet tones that preceded from his nose, exclaimed: "Beautiful +Snore!" This was repeated to him when he awoke, and hence the origin of +the poem.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>Fish Culture.</h3> + +<p>The Grand Duke ALEXIS, of Russia, proposes to come to these shores and +inspect the American system of fish culture. With this end in view, he +will, of course, be the particular guest of Gen. GRANT, and will, no +doubt, be surprised to find that our principal FISH is a cultivated man. +But he will better understand our FISH system by witnessing its +operations in Spanish and Canadian waters, as also in those of Sault St. +Marie.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>Linsey-Woolsey.</h3> + +<p>The regular troops for the Canadian Red River Expedition have been +supplied by Gen. LINDSEY, and are commanded by Col. WOLSLEY--a fact +oddly co-incidental with the reported flimsy character of the +expedition, so far as it has gone.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="04.jpg (155K)" src="04.jpg" height="656" width="688"> +</center> +<br><br> + +<br><hr><br> + + +<h3>Bivalvulor Intelligence.</h3> + +<p>It is stated that the clams along the Stratford shore are dying by +thousands of a malignant disease, which a correspondent of the +Bridgeport <i>Standard</i> calls "clam cholera." This is a sad c'lamity for +the people of the Stratford shore.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>The Fifteenth Amendment.</h3> + +<p>The appointment of colored postmasters in Maryland may be all very well; +but PUNCHINELLO would like to know whether the Post-office authorities +intend to revive the custom of Blackmailing.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + + + +<h2>THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.</h2> + +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<img alt="05.jpg (75K)" src="05.jpg" height="611" width="397"> + +</td><td> + +<p>Comedy personified, in Mr. CLARKE, has now reigned at BOOTH'S for nearly +six weeks. During that time there has been a perceptible change in the +metaphorical atmosphere of the house. The audience no longer wears the +look of subdued melancholy which was once involuntarily assumed by each +mourner for the memory of SHAKSPEARE, who passed the solemn threshold. +The ushers no longer find it necessary to sustain their depressed +spirits by the surreptitious chewing of the quid of consolation, and are +now the most pleasant, as they were always the most courteous, of their +kind. Persons have even been heard, within the past week, to allude to +BOOTH'S as a "theatre," instead of a "temple of art;" and though the +convulsions of nature which attend the shifting of the scenery, and +cause castles to be violently thrown up by volcanic eruptions and +forests to be suddenly swallowed by gaping earthquakes, impart a certain +solemnity to the brightest of comedies, still there is a general +impression among the audience that BOOTH'S has become a place of +amusement. And in noting this change PUNCHINELLO does not mean to jeer +at the former and normal character of BOOTH'S. BEETHOVEN'S Seventh +Symphony, DANTE'S Inferno, JEFFERSON'S Rip Van Winkle, and EDWIN BOOTH'S +Hamlet are not amusing, but it does not follow that they are therefore +unworthy of the attention of the public, which is pleased with the +rattle of De Boots, and tickled with the straw of Toodles.</p> + + +</td></tr> +</table> + +<p>FOX vs. GOOSE is a three act comedy in which Mr. CLARKE last week made +his audience laugh as freely as though the tomb-stones of all the +Capulets were not gleaming white and awful in the lamplight of the +property-room; or, at all events, would be gleaming if any body were to +hunt them up with a practicable lantern. The opening scene is the +tap-room of an inn, where Mr. FOX FOWLER, an adventurer, is taking his +ease and his unpaid-for gin-and-milk.</p> + +<p><i>Enter Landlord, presenting his bill</i>. "Here, sir, you've been drinking +my beer for several years, and now I want you to pay for it."</p> + +<p><i>Fox</i>. "My friend! why ask me to pay bills? Do you not perceive that I +wear a velvet coat? And, besides, even if I wanted to pay I could not +until my baggage, which I gave to an expressman ten years ago, shall +reach me. It will probably arrive in a month or two more."</p> + +<p><i>Landlord</i>. "Here comes Sir GANDER GOSLING. I'll complain to him of your +conduct."</p> + +<p>(<i>Enter Sir Gander</i>.)</p> + +<p><i>Fox</i>. "My dear Sir GANDER. Allow me to embrace you."</p> + +<p><i>Sir Gander</i>. "I don't know you. I'm not my son JACK."</p> + +<p><i>Fox</i>. "But I am Jack's dearest friend. I have saved him from drowning, +from matrimony, from reading the <i>Nation,</i> from mothers-in-law, and all +other calamities mentioned in the litany."</p> + +<p><i>Sir Gander</i>. "Describe him to me, if you know him so well."</p> + +<p><i>Fox</i>. "He is tall, dark, slender, and quiet in manner."</p> + +<p><i>Sir Gander</i>. "My dear fellow he is short, fat, light, and noisy. I am +convinced that you know him. Permit me to pay your bill, lend you money, +and tell you all about our dear JACK'S intended marriage." (<i>He pays, +lends, and narrates accordingly. A terrific rattling of dishpans +simulates the arrival of a train. Sir</i> GANDER <i>departs and</i> JACK GOSLING +<i>enters.</i>)</p> + +<p><i>Fox</i>. "My dear JACK, allow me to embrace you."</p> + +<p><i>Jack</i>. "I don't know you. I'm not my father."</p> + +<p><i>Fox</i>. "But I am your father's dearest friend. Sit down and have a +bottle of wine, and tell me all about ROSE MANDRAKE, your intends bride. +'Rose! Rose! the coal black Rose!' as MILTON finely remarks." (<i>They sit +down and</i> JACK <i>immediately gets very drunk, thereby affording another +proof of the horribly adulterated condition of the liquor used on the +stage, which infallibly intoxicates an actor within two minutes after it +is imbibed. [Let the Excise authorities see to this matter.] Finally</i> +JACK <i>falls, and the curtain immediately follows his example.)</i></p> + +<p><i>Critical Young Man, who reads all the theatrical "notices" in the Herald +in the leisure moments when he is not selling yards of tape and ribbon</i>. +"I don't think much of CLARKE. He ain't half the man that NED FORREST +is. There ain't a bit of spontanatious humor in him. Them San Francisco +Minstrels can beat him out of sight."</p> + +<p><i>Accompanying Young Female Person</i>. "Yes, I think so, too. I hate to see +a man act drunk. It's so low and vulgar. I like pretty plays, like they +have at WALLACK'S."</p> + +<p><i>Respectable Old Gentleman</i>. "PLACIDE--BLAKE--BURTON--"</p> + +<p><i>Every Body Else</i>. "Well, this is real humor; I haven't laughed so much +since I heard BEECHER preach a funeral sermon."</p> + +<p>The second act takes place in the house of Major MANDRAKE. Fox has +successfully assumed the character of JACK GOSLING, and is having a +pleasant chat with the family, when the gardener enters to inform the +Major that a flock of crows is in sight.</p> + +<p><i>Major Mandrake</i>. "I love the pleasures of the chase. Bring my gun, and +I will shoot the crows." (<i>He goes out, and shoots</i> JACK, <i>who is +climbing over the gate. Re-enter Major and men carrying</i> JACK.)</p> + +<p><i>Major</i>. "Alas! I have missed the crow over the cornfield, and lost the +crow over my shooting which I would otherwise have had. Also I have shot +a man out of season, and the sportsmen's club will prosecute me."</p> + +<p><i>Jack</i>. "I am not dead, though my appearance and conversation might +induce you to think so. My name is JACK GOSLING. The chap in the velvet +coat is an impostor."</p> + +<p><i>Major, Fox, and other dramatis persons</i>. "Away with the wretch! He +himself is the impostor. Call a policeman who will club him if he makes +no resistance."</p> + +<p>JACK is dragged away, but perpetually returns and denounces his rival. +He is bitten by suppositious dogs cunningly simulated by stage +carpenters, who remark "bow wow" from behind the scenes. He is cut by +ROSE MANDRAKE, and also by rows of broken bottles, which line the top of +the wall on which he makes a perilous perch, not having a pole or rod +with which to defend himself against the dogs. He is challenged by Fox +and seconded by Miss BLANCHE BE BAR in naval uniform. Finally he takes +refuge in the china closet, and hurls cheap plates and saucers at his +foes. With the exhaustion of the supply of crockery, the act naturally +comes to an end, and, as frequently occurs in similar cases, the curtain +falls.</p> + +<p><i>Comic Man</i>. "Why does CLARKE, when he slings china at the company, +remind you of the Paraguayan war? Of course you give it up. Because he +carries on a war on the Plate. Do you see it? Crockery plates and the +river Plate, you know. Ha! ha!"</p> + +<p>And two ushers, reinforced by a special policeman, drag the miserable +man away, and lead him to MAGONIGLE'S private room, there to be dealt +with for the hideous crime of making infamous jokes in BOOTH'S theatre. +He is never seen again, and so the Philadelphia <i>Day</i> loses its +brightest ornament.</p> + +<p>The third act consists of a duel between JACK and FOX, each of whom is +too cowardly to fight. They therefore follow the safer example of rival +editors, and swear and scold at each other. At last a small millennium +of universal reconciliation takes place, and the usual old comedy "tag" +ends the play.</p> + +<p>(Parenthetically, why "tag?" Does it receive this name because its +invariable stupidity suggests those other worthless commodities "rag" +and "bob-tail," which, outside of theatres, are generally associated +with the name.)</p> + +<p>And every body goes away murmuring of the genial humor of CLARKE, the +magical violin of MOLLENHAUER, the elegance, convenience and comfort of +the theatre, the matchless memory of BOOTH'S Hamlet and Iago, and the +golden certainty of the coming of Rip Van Winkle. And every body is +supremely satisfied, and says to every body else, "This theatre needs +only a company, to be the foremost theatre of either continent."</p> + +<p>MATADOR.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>Remarks by Our Stammering Contributor.</h3> + +<p>The up-town theatrical sensation is, we hear, produced "regardless of +expense." We had reason to think that its managers would show more +Frou-frou-frugality.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="06.jpg (202K)" src="06.jpg" height="858" width="654"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>COMIC ZOOLOGY.</h2> + +<h3>THE MONKEY TRIBE.</h3> + +<p>Of this genus there are countless varieties, differing widely in the cut +of their monkey jackets, as the untravelled American naturalist will +doubtless have observed on traversing his native sidewalk. The educated +specimens met with in our cities are upon the whole well Organized, and +appear to have music in their soles. For its feats <i>à pied</i>, the tame +monkey is indebted to a Piedmontese who accompanies him.</p> + +<p>To behold the monkey race in their glory, however, they must be seen in +their native woods, where they dwell in genteel independence, enjoying +their entailed estates and living on their own cocoa nuts. There will be +found the Gibbon, whose Decline and Fall when yielding the Palm to some +aspiring rival is swifter than that of the Roman Empire; the Barberry +Ape, so called from feeding exclusively on Barberries; the +Chimpanzee--an African corruption of Jump-and-see, the name given to the +animal by his first European discoverers in compliment to his alertness; +the Baboon, a melancholy brute that, as you may observe from his visage, +always has the blues; to say nothing of a legion of Red Monkeys, which +are particularly Rum Customers.</p> + +<p>Some men of science have advanced the theory that man is the climactic +consequence of innumerable improvements of the monkey; the negro as he +now exists being the result of the Fifteenth Amendment. These +philosophers erect a sort of pyramid of progress, placing an Ape at the +base and a Caucasian at the Apex. This wild hypothesis of a monkey +apotheosis can of coarse only be regarded Jockolarly, in other words, +with a grin. Nevertheless the Marmozet is sufficiently like a little +Frenchwoman to be called a Ma'amoiselle, and there are (in New-Zealand +for instance) human heathen with a craving for the Divine, to whom the +Gorilla, though not a man, is certainly a brother. Possibly the Orang +Outang, if able to express his thoughts in an harangue, might say with +Mr. DICKENS, "I am very human." He certainly looks it.</p> + +<p>There is a strong facial resemblance among the simious races--<i>Simia +Similibus</i>. This likeness does not, however, extend in all cases to the +opposite extremity. Some monkeys have no tails. Of the tailless Apes it +is said that they originally erased their rear appendages by too much +sitting--perhaps as members of the "Rump" in some Anthropoid Congress. +Be that as it may, the varieties that have retained their tails seem +disposed to hang on to them, and will doubtless continue to do so by +hook or by crook.</p> + +<p>The natives of Africa believe that the monkeys would converse with them +if they were not afraid of being set to work; but it is quite apparent +that they are not averse either to labor or conversation, inasmuch as +among themselves they frequently Mow and Chatter.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>THE GREAT AFRICAN TEA COMPANY.</h2> + +<p>MR. PUNCHINELLO: If I can induce you to take a few shares in the +above-named Co. (at a merely nominal price, I assure you,) I think I +shall do you a very great favor, and at the same time secure to the Co. +the benefit of your enormous influence.</p> + +<p>The Grand Points, in this unequalled Scheme, may be explained as +follows:</p> + +<p>The Tea is from the new African Tea Fields, (that is the holds of ships +in which it has spoiled, or become musty, or lost its bouquet, and the +old chests of the usual dealers,) and is delivered in our ware-rooms for +a mere song, so to speak: say the Song of Sixpence (a pound.)</p> + +<p>At a small additional outlay, we dye and scour this Tea, or otherwise +Renovate it to such an extent that Nature herself would be deceived, at +least till she began to sip the decoction from it, when, perhaps, she +would conclude not to try any further issues with this Co.</p> + +<p>These African Tea Fields (cultivated by Ourselves) are "situated near +the Cape of Good Hope." From the recent appreciation of African +Interests (and, of course, technology,) you will perceive that in our +Name and Scheme is Good Hope indeed, for the Stockholders, if not the +tea-drinkers.</p> + +<p>Our system of business embraces, in part, the following ingenious and +strictly novel features: By means of circulars and extensive advertising +we convince the public (an easy task) that, in consequence of Raising +the Tea Ourselves, from "Our Own Tea Fields," (and thus saving a great +many profits to different absorbents of the people's money,) we can +afford it at ruinously low prices, yet the Tea is always A. 1. (which, +in familiar language, might be construed as A Wonder especially to the +Chinese.) We make a great variety out of the same stock! One may always +know the Great A. Co.'s Tea from the circumstance of it's never having +either odor or flavor. We find, after ample experience, that the +presence of either of these qualities directly injures the sale. Give it +plenty of Astringency (an easy knack) and it will be sure to go down in +this country. It is our experience (and that of many other Operators of +our kind--or <i>upon</i> our kind, if you prefer the phrase,) that people +<i>like to be imposed upon,</i> and can always be taken with the Economical +hook. If an article (of Tea, for instance) is only "cheap" enough, it +may be ever so nasty and unwholesome, and yet it will Sell! Sell? Bless +you! you can't produce it fast enough--even from your Own Tea Fields!</p> + +<p>We make an article of Coffee (which we have almost decided to call +Cuffee) that has as much Color in one pound as the real (an inferior) +article has in six! Boarding-house keepers praise it! It goes far, and +is actually preferred to Mocha! We sell it for less than the latter +could be bought for at wholesale, in Arabia, and yet you will readily +believe we make money by it.</p> + +<p>A few shares will be sold to you for a mere fraction of their nominal +value. Call and see us, at the sign of the GREAT AFRICAN (TEA CO.)</p> + +<p>T. T. T. (for the Co.)</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>OUR CUBAN TELEGRAMS.</h2> + +<p>We are happy to inform our readers that we have made a special +arrangement with the telegraph companies, by which we shall receive the +only reliable news from Cuba. The following telegrams from Havana, which +were received at this office at a late hour last night, will show how +full and accurate our Cuban news will henceforth be:</p> + +<p>FIRST DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>HAVANA, May 26th, 9 P.M.--(<i>From a Cuban Patriot</i>.)--A great battle was +fought yesterday between the National army and the Spanish Cut-throats. +General CESPEDES, with five hundred men, attacked VALMESEDA, who had +eleven thousand men in a strong position, and completely routed him. The +Invaders lost ten thousand in killed and wounded, and nine hundred +prisoners. Twenty pieces of artillery were captured. This blow will +crush the Spanish brigands, and make certain the independence of the +island. Our loss was trifling--only a drummer-boy or two.</p> + +<p>SECOND DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>9:30 P.M.--(<i>From the Spanish Authorities</i>.)--A great battle was fought +yesterday between the loyal army and the rebel hordes. General +VALMESADA, with five hundred men, attacked CESPEDES, who had eleven +thousand men in a strong position, and completely routed him. The +brigands lost ten thousand in killed and wounded, and nine hundred +prisoners. Twenty pieces of artillery were captured. This blow will +crush the rebels, and make certain the establishment of order in the +island. Our loss was trifling--only a sutler or two.</p> + +<p>THIRD DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>10 P.M.--(<i>From a Cuban Patriot</i>.)--Our victory was more complete than +at first believed. Only two Spaniards escaped. Our only loss was one +drummer-boy slightly wounded.</p> + +<p>FOURTH DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>10:30 P.M.--(<i>From the Spanish Authorities</i>.)--Our victory was more +complete than was at first believed. Only two rebels escaped. Our only +loss was one sutler somewhat demoralized.</p> + +<p>FIFTH DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>11 P.M.--(<i>From a Cuban Patriot</i>.)--CESPEDES had only two hundred men, +and VALMESADA eight thousand. The latter is reported killed. The victory +was complete.</p> + +<p>SIXTH DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>11:30 P.M.--(<i>From the Spanish Authorities</i>.)--VALMESEDA had only two +hundred men, and CESPEDES eight thousand. The latter is reported killed. +The victory was complete.</p> + +<p>SEVENTH DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>12 M.--(<i>From a Cuban Patriot</i>.)--The battle was not so bloody as was at +first reported. The Patriots had fifty men, and were greatly +outnumbered. Several dead Spaniards were left on the field. No artillery +was captured, but a great quantity of supplies was taken.</p> + +<p>EIGHTH DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>12:30 A.M.--(<i>From the Spanish Authorities</i>.)--The battle was not so +bloody as was at first reported. The loyal force consisted of only fifty +men, and many dead rebels were left on the field. No artillery was +captured, but a great quantity of bananas was taken.</p> + +<p>NINTH DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>1 A.M.--(<i>From a Cuban Patriot</i>.)--It is now known that the battle was +only a skirmish. The Spaniards attacked our men in order to seize upon +their extra linen. They were repulsed however.</p> + +<p>TENTH DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>1:30 A.M.--(<i>From the Spanish Authorities</i>.)--It is now known that the +battle was only skirmish. The rebels attacked a hen-roost in search of +eggs, but were repulsed.</p> + +<p>ELEVENTH DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>3 A.M.--(<i>From a Cuban Patriot</i>.)--The rumor of a battle seems to have +originated in a fight between a Patriot and a mob of blood-thirsty +Spaniards in an alley in this city. The latter managed to escape.</p> + +<p>TWELFTH DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>2:30 A.M.--(<i>From the Spanish Authorities</i>.)--The rumor of a battle +evidently grew out of a fight in an alley of this city, between a +Volunteer and a mob of rebel sympathizers. The latter were all arrested.</p> + +<p>THIRTEENTH DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>3 A.M.--(<i>From the American, Consul</i>.)--Yesterday a Cuban boy threw a +stone at a dog belonging to one of the volunteers. The dog ran away. All +is quiet in the city, and elsewhere on the island.</p> + +<p>At this point we were compelled to go to press. The above dispatches, +however, furnish the latest and only reliable intelligence from Cuba.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="07.jpg (170K)" src="07.jpg" height="862" width="648"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>A Good Turn Meant.</h3> + +<p>THERE is some talk of reviving the Tournament in this region, and the +young men are expected to show their skill in "riding at the ring." If +our young men were to put any number of good sharp lances through a few +of our City Rings, they would be noble and chivalrous fellows, surely.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>The Dumb Beasts' Friend.</h3> + +<p>Mr. BERGH, the philodoggist, is an honest oracle in his way, and when he +opes his mouth we hope no cur will be ungrateful enough to bark. He says +in his last lecture that dumb animals are creatures like unto himself. +That accounts for Mr. BERGH being Deer to the quadrupeds, and such a +Terrier to their enemies.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>Land and Water.</h3> + +<p>An Ocean Cable Company has just asked Congress for a grant of lands. The +request is natural, as the Company, of course, wants to see its cable +well Landed.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>The Kellogg Testimonial.</h3> + +<p>Gifts should be seasonable. We therefore signify our highest approval of +the judgment of those "keyind" friends who lately gave to Miss CLARA +LOUISE KELLOGG, our own beloved nightingale, an elegant "Fruit +Receiver." Birds, as a rule, are prohibited by law from partaking of +fruit, but that is only while it is the on branches; and, perhaps, if +EVE had only possessed an elegant "Fruit Receiver," she might have put +the apple into it, instead of eating that most unfortunate pippin, so +greatly to human distress and detriment. And, now that Miss CLARA has +such a beautiful article to hold them, we suggest that, at her next +benefit, instead of the fading and comparatively worthless bouquets, she +be presented with a bushel of the very best pippins--and we intend to do +it.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>Latest About Garibaldi.</h3> + +<p>It is stated, now, that GARIBALDI, foiled in his attempts to join the +Italian insurgents, is about to throw himself, sword in hand, among the +Red River malcontents. This rumor has its origin, probably, in the fact +that GARIBALDI usually wears a red shirt.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="08.jpg (127K)" src="08.jpg" height="911" width="602"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>Stridor Dentium.</h3> + +<p>The Massachusetts Dentists (excellent men, not to be spoken of without a +shudder) have been holding an annual meeting in Boston. They talked, +discussed, suggested and explained; and then, to show that they were +physicians who could heal themselves, they partook together of a most +beautiful dinner. We are not told so, but we suppose that the viands on +this occasion were of the very toughest description--geese of venerable +age, fried heel tops, and beef like unto the beef of a boarding-house. +Whether, considering their facilities for mastication, a landlord should +not charge the members of a Dental Association double, is a question for +casuists.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>English News.</h3> + +<p>It is noted, as a very remarkable fact, that "the Member of Parliament +for Sheffield first entered that town as an Italian image boy." He was +the image of his mother.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>In the Air.</h3> + +<p><i>Voice at Rome</i>. "I am the infallible PIO Nono."</p> + +<p><i>Echo, everywhere</i>. "'No! no!'"</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>Ancient Inscription on the Throne of Spain.</h3> + +<p>M. T.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>THE ROBINS.</h2> +<p>[<i>Compare a much more "poetic" effusion, under this head, in all the +American newspapers</i>.]</p> + + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<br> +<p> There's a screech upon the housetop, a creak upon the plain,<br> + It's a libel on the sunshine, its a slander on the rain;<br> + And through my brain, in consequence, there darts a horrid thought<br> + Of exasperating wheelbarrows, and signs, with torture fraught!<br> + So, all these breezy mornings through my teeth is poured the strain:<br> + <i>Confound the odious "Robins," that have now come back again!</i></p> +<br> +<p> They bring a thought of strawberries, which I shall never taste;<br> + Plums, cherries, ditto, ditto, which these maurauders waste--<br> + Who never <i>will</i> catch worms and flies, as smaller "warblers" do,<br> + But want precisely those nice things which grow for me and you!<br> + I muse on all their robberies, and mutter this fierce strain:<br> + <i>Confound these odious "Robins," that have now come back again!</i></p> +<br> +<p> Oh, bah! What bosh these "poets" write, about this humbug pet!<br> + Firstly, they're <i>not</i> true "Robins," but a base, inferior set;<br> + Second, there is no music in their creaking, croaking shriek;<br> + Third, they are slow and stupid--common birds from tail to beak!<br> + Tis said, "they come so early." Well, I'd rather they'd come late.<br> + They're simply made for pot-pies, and deserve no better fate.</p> +<br> +<p> Who ever thought to welcome the ingenious, sprightly Wren?<br> + With his pretty, joyous carol, which should thrill the heart of men?<br> + Now <i>that</i> is <i>music</i>, mind you! And how small the throat that<br> + sings!<br> + Besides, he lets your fruit alone, and lives on other things!<br> + Inspired by this trim fairy, many souls will swell the strain:<br> + <i>Confound the odious "Robins," that have now come back again!</i></p> + + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>CAUTION!</h2> + +<p>There is shortly to arrive in Paris a dwarf aged about fifty-five years, +having a beard reaching to his feet, but with only one arm and a +completely bald head. He possesses 2,000,000 francs, which he is willing +to share with any young girl about twenty years old, who is pretty and +good tempered.</p> + +<p>The person above alluded is, unquestionably, our eldest son, Mr. +PUNCHINELLO, Jr. He is--we say it with many tears--as great a rascal as +any in the world, although no child was ever flogged more regularly and +affectionately. His conduct broke his mother's head; and he was put +under bonds to keep the peace at the age of two years. After a long +period of flagrant insubordination, he ran away with a part of our +money, and of his plunder he may possibly have 2,000,000 francs +left--but we don't believe it. This is to warn all tradesmen in Paris +from trusting him on our account, as we shall pay no debts of his +contracting.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="09.jpg (298K)" src="09.jpg" height="970" width="722"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>CONDENSED CONGRESS.</h2> + + + +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<img alt="10.jpg (80K)" src="10.jpg" height="600" width="385"> +</td><td> + + +<h3>SENATE.</h3> +<p>DRAKE quacked according to his custom--this time about the propriety of +hanging people in the Southern States. There were several people in +Missouri whom he particularly desired to see extinguished. He referred +to the fiends in human shape, whose hands were dripping with loyal gore, +and whom the unrepentant rebels of his State actually desired to send to +the Senate, in the place of himself. He lacked words to express his +sense of so gross an outrage. He thought that he could be comparatively +happy if forty thousand men were hanged or otherwise "disabled" from +voting against him. That would make his reëlection a pretty sure thing.</p> + +<p>Mr. FERRY said he really thought this thing had gone far enough. People +were coming to understand that the general run, he did not refer to Bull +Run, of the Northern army was just about as good, and no better, than +the general run, he did not refer to Gettysburgh, of the Southern army. +As for DRAKE, he was a <i>canard</i>, and his statement was another. He did +not approve of the bloody Drakonian code.</p> + +<p>Mr. MORTON said FERRY was very easily crossed. As for him he considered +that FERRY was a Copperhead.</p> + +<p>Mr. REVELS was in favor of removing disabilities as soon as it could be +done with safety. They all knew what he meant by safety. As soon as not +only his calling, which was formerly clerical, although now legislative, +and election were made sure, he was ready to let everybody vote. While +his election was doubtful, he was in favor of keeping out votes enough +to insure it. He believed that to be the view of every Senator. (Hear. +Hear.)</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> + +<p>Mr. SAWYER thought his opinion as good as REVELS'S, if he was white. He +considered that he was safe in South Carolina, and he disapproved of the +glut of Republican Southern Senators. Upon these grounds he went for the +removal of the disabilities.</p> + + + +<h3>HOUSE.</h3> + +<p>Mr. DAWES did a neat thing. He represented that the Naval Appropriation +bill contained a number of most nutritious jobs (as indeed it turned out +that it did.) Upon this hint SCHENCK agreed to let the tariff "pass" for +the present, though he reserved the right to order it up at any time. +Thereupon the astute DAWES moved to postpone it indefinitely, to the +huge disgust of Mr. SCHENCK, who said he ought to be ashamed of himself. +Here was the oyster pining for protection, the peanut absolutely +shrivelling on its stalk under the neglect of Congress, and the American +hook-and-eye weeping for being overrun by the imported article. He hoped +the pig-iron, whose claims they had refused to consider, might lie heavy +on their souls.</p> + +<p>KELLEY was too full of pig-iron for utterance.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>SPENCERIAN CHAFF.</h2> + +<h3>BY A CONFIRMED GRAHAMITE.</h3> +<br> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + + +<p> If, in the "opening" of my learnéd friend<br> + (Whose record I intend<br> + Most handsomely and warmly to defend,)<br> + You fancy that you now and then perceive<br> + A word or phrase one hardly can conceive<br> + Was uttered "by your leave;"<br> + If--going further in my supposition--<br> + You fancy his condition<br> + In some respects was not above suspicion;<br> + If (Ah! there's virtue in an "if" sometimes--<br> + As there may be in crimes,)<br> + You think it strange, what men will do for dimes;<br> + Why, it is plainly due<br> + To you,<br> + And noble SPENCER, too,<br> + That I should straightway boil with legal rage<br> + At such injustice, and at once engage<br> + To right the matter, on this virtuous page.</p> +<br> +<p> I fear, my captious friend,<br> + (To speak the truth,) you do not comprehend<br> + The Majesty of Law!<br> + Of Reason it is clearly the Perfection!<br> + It is not merely Jaw!<br> + Great Heaven! (excuse the interjection,)<br> + If for this thing you have no greater awe,<br> + You need correction!<br> + Pray, do you fully realize, good Sir,<br> + The Legal is a Gentlemanly cur?<br> + True, we are sometimes forced to treat a Judge<br> + As though he were a plain American.<br> + But, fudge!<br> + <i>He</i> never minds; he's not a gentleman!<br> + True, it is now and then our legal lot<br> + To teach a stupid witness what is what,<br> + Or show that he (or she)<br> + Is rather worse than he (or she) should be;<br> + We find it necessary,<br> + Very,<br> + To blacken what we have no doubt is white,<br> + And whiten what is very black indeed.<br> + Agreed!</p> +<br> +<p> But ask the Client what <i>he</i> thinks is right!<br> + He may not care to see us fairly <i>fight,</i><br> + (It <i>is not</i> a pleasant sight,)<br> + Or hear us curse till all is black as night,<br> + For the whole Jury might perchance take fright;<br> + But <i>he</i> knows whether he is ably served!<br> + Stern Duty's line, he'll tell you (if he's bright)<br> + Is always either angular or curved.<br> + Now, pray, no bosh<br> + About the <i>habit of defending crime</i><br> + Dulling the sensibilities in time!<br> + The theory won't wash!<br> + Once place my colleague on the other side,<br> + You'd say, This lawyer should be deified!<br> + Oh, what a conscience he would then reveal!<br> + Sinners would tremble at his dread appeal!<br> + You would perceive<br> + (At least, you would be ready to believe,)<br> + That, noting all the most abhorred deeds<br> + Known to our records, this affair must needs<br> + Be judged the blackest. Nothing like, since Cain.<br> + And then, again----</p> +<br> +<p> But, pshaw! coming to look at you, I see<br> + You're one of those odd folks who don't agree<br> + With <i>any</i> body. <i>You</i> are not to pass<br> + On these high questions; plainly, you're an ass.<br> + I'd like to have you on the stand a minute!<br> + You'd think the deuce was in it!<br> + <i>I'd</i> shake the humdrums out of you, I guess!<br> + You'd presently confess<br> + You thought that No was Yes.<br> + It's just your sort--provided there's no hurry--<br> + We like to worry.<br> + In twenty minutes, Sir, you wouldn't know<br> + Your father from JIM CROW,<br> + Or your illiterate self from LINDLEY MURRAY!<br> + And now then, dunce,<br> + Please move your boots, at once!<br> + If 'twere not for some twinges of the gout,<br> + I'd <i>kick</i> you out!</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + +<br><hr><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="11.jpg (169K)" src="11.jpg" height="824" width="649"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>OUR PORTFOLIO.</h2> + +<p>Since "gin-and-milk" has been declared to be an uncanonical beverage, +much uncertainty prevails among the brethren of the cloth as to what +refreshment would be considered orthodox and proper. There is no doubt +that some men are so constituted as to require fluid aids to religion. +To deprive them of it would be to strike a blow at popular piety. As the +laborer is worthy of his hire, so is the minister, whose throat becomes +parched by reason of much exhortation, worthy of the liquid balm which +is to renew his powers and strengthen his organs. PUNCHINELLO has had +under consideration the question of inventing some drink which might +happily satisfy the wants of the thirsty and avoid the scandal which +"gin-and-milk" has created among the godly. Many correspondents have +suggested to him various decoctions, but, as they all involved +spirituous ingredients, he has felt compelled to reject them. After +considerable trial, he flatters himself, however, that he has fallen +upon a discovery which may remove every objection. It is very simple, +and that of itself should be a strong recommendation.</p> + +<p>Take some raw potatoes; thoroughly extract the juice; mix with it about +three ounces of horse-radish, (this to give it pungency,) flavor the +same with any aromatic root to suit the taste, and then let the whole +boil for one hour. After cooling, tightly bottle the mixture, and within +twenty-four hours it will be fit for use. The process then will be to +drink it in the same quantity that one would take either gin or whisky, +being careful to hold to the nose during the act of swallowing, a sponge +well saturated with pure alcohol. Between the pungency communicated to +the taste by the horse-radish and the fumes of the spirit invading the +nasal avenues, the illusion of a good "square drink" will be complete.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<p>An instance of singularly vitiated taste has just come to the knowledge +of PUNCHINELLO. A caterer in Baxter Street provides juvenile boot-blacks +with the hind legs of rats, and declares that his guests eat them with +great avidity and experience no ill effects. They are rolled in +pulverized crackers, and cooked in lard. The dish is considered a great +dainty, and is only within the reach of the aristocratic portions of +that community. One chief cause of this culinary success is the fact +that the provider keeps the knowledge of it to himself, going upon the +French principle of "eat what's put before you and ask no questions." +Fried horse liver has risen to great popularity with Americans in Paris, +owing to the adoption of a similar caution. Fastidious tourists have +been known to smack their lips over horse tenderloin, under the +impression that the peculiarity of its flavor was to be attributed +entirely to the devices of a Parisian <i>cuisine</i>.</p> + +<p>This pleasant hypothesis has unquestionably prevented many a stomach +from revolting, and increased the reputation of French cooks. It is +related of the astronomer LALANDE that he often ate caterpillars and +spiders, affirming that the former tasted like almonds and the latter +like walnuts; but no American who ever feasted inadvertently on horse +liver or a savory sirloin of the same flesh, has yet been found to +acknowledge the fact, much less to promote a taste for it by any +seductive comparison. The Baxter Street purveyor imitates the Parisian +<i>restaurateur</i> in the mystery with which he surrounds his art, and so +both prosper.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.</h2> + +<p><i>Georgia</i>. Mistaken. The columns of PUNCHINELLO are not for sale. If you +want to buy editorial columns you should apply to the managers of the +Washington <i>Chronicle</i>. For tariff of rates consult Governor BULLOCK of +your State, who is thoroughly informed on the subject.</p> + +<p><i>Anxious Inquirer</i>. Our story of the "Mystery of Mr. E. DROOD," will +shortly be published in weekly parts, and it would be unfair to Mr. +DICKENS as well to Mr. ORPHEUS C. KERR to tell you the Mystery.</p> + +<p><i>Traveller</i>. We believe that the Street Car Conductors are obliged to +pass a preliminary examination in packing herrings, before a car is +given to them.</p> + +<p><i>Dramatical</i>. Can you tell me the origin of the expression, "Let's have +a smile," meaning of course, to take a drink?--Yes; it is from <i>Julius +Caesar</i>, where CASSIUS says to BRUTUS:<br> + --"Farewell BRUTUS!<br> + If we do meet again we'll Smile, indeed."<br> +<i>Act V. Scene 1.</i></p> + +<p><i>Hoyle</i>. The old remark, "When in doubt play a trump," has fallen +through, as, when in doubt, the player generally plays the Deuce.</p> + +<p><i>Henry Jones</i>. No. You are wrong. <i>Sic semper tyrannis, does not</i> mean +<i>"Tyrants are always sick."</i></p> + +<p><i>Villikens</i>. Mr. HORACE GREELEY, although an intimate personal friend of +WESTON, the pedestrian, is not, as you suppose, the Compiler of WALKER'S +Dictionary.</p> + +<p><i>Cornet</i>. The critic was wrong in attributing "freshness" to the air of +"Walking down Broadway." If you walk down Broadway at this season you +will find the air any thing but fresh.</p> + +<p><i>Gin-and-Milk</i>. It is a mistake. THEODORE TILTON never sang Comic Songs +in a Houston Street Free-and-Easy.</p> + +<p><i>Chutney</i>. Somebody has been "selling" you. BABOO BRAHMIN CHUNDER SEN is +not a relation of HANS CHRISTIAN ANDERSEN.</p> + +<p><i>Sculp</i>. Is it in your power to give the proportions of a perfect human +figure?</p> + +<p><i>Answer</i>. Your question implies a doubt of the genius of a great +American Sculptor. It is <i>in</i> our Power. Look at his figure of the Greek +Slave.</p> + +<p><i>Richard III</i>. My friends think that I have a decided talent for the +stage. How can I be fitted for it?</p> + +<p><i>Answer</i>. By a theatrical costumer. Pay great attention to "Measure for +Measure."</p> + +<p><i>Debrett</i>. Who were the Knight's Companions of the Bath?</p> + +<p><i>Answer</i>. Towels and Soap.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="12.jpg (141K)" src="12.jpg" height="718" width="528"> +</center> + + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> +<br> + +<p> 'Tis true the Empire's Capital, the centre of authority,<br> + Went against me in a fit of Red Republican romance;<br> + But the Provinces in rolling up their glorious majority<br> + Have proved, despite of precedents, that Paris is not France.</p> +<br> +<p> Self-contained and unembarrassed, I awaited at the Tuileries<br> + The issue, for I trusted the Nation's Common Sense;<br> + And although the rowdy <i>Faubourgs</i> tried a few of their Tom-fooleries,<br> + My soldiers soon let light into each trumpery defence.</p> +<br> +<p> I smile in cold contempt at the Old-time Barricade tricks--<br> + Each street, did I so order, were a cannon-swept defile,<br> + I've bound Fortune to my Chariot, and defying all her jade tricks,<br> + More in pity that in anger hear the roar of the <i>Canaille</i>.</p> +<br> +<p> The <i>Drapeau Rouge is down</i>--HUGO, BLANC and LEDRU ROLLIN<br> + Are as harmless as three kittens with their teeth and talons drawn;<br> + And now my own loved France, with returns from every poll in,<br> + I bid thee hail of Liberty the true and genial dawn.</p> +<br> +<p> Though the Left's intemperate oracles, political and clerical,<br> + Deny there's force or purpose in the People's mighty "Aye!"<br> + They stultify their principles, for by ordeal numerical<br> + Their Creed declares all policy should either live or die.</p> +<br> +<p> To France I said, "My Country, behold I freely tender thee<br> + All swords e'er won for freedom in the ages long ago,<br> + All prerogatives that clash with it I offer to surrender thee,<br> + Wilt take or spurn the guerdon? prithee, answer 'yes' or 'no.'"</p> +<br> +<p> She has answered, France has answered, in thunderings articulate,<br> + From the Alps and either Seaboard, to the Pyrenees, the Rhine;<br> + And though a horde of demagogues may bellow and gesticulate,<br> + They <i>know</i> this is a victory of the PEOPLE'S RIGHT DIVINE.</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>The Dominion Again.</h3> + +<p>What a set of grumblers the Canadians are. They seem never to be +satisfied with their public men. First they were berating the minister +of Justice for too large a practice at the Bar. Now they have turned +their attention to the gentleman (Mr. LANGEVIN) who is to engineer the +domestic relations between the Confederate Provinces, on the ground of +looking after his own Domestic Relations first. Surely, this is +"factious opposition," as their Mr. HOLTON would say.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>SCIENCE FOREVER!</h2> + +<p>MR. PUNCHINELLO is pleased to observe that there is to be a meeting of +the Western Social Science Association in Chicago, and he hereby +announces his intention of attending as a Volunteer Delegate. He will, +if he is well treated by the Convention, so that he may reach the +elevation of soul necessary, read exhaustive and exhausting papers on +the following subjects:</p> + +<p>1. On the complete removal of the buildings now constituting the City of +Washington to Chicago.</p> + +<p>2. On Free Drinks; their origin, history, purpose, and influence.</p> + +<p>3. On a curious fluid known as Drinking-Water; observed in other parts +of the world, but entirely unknown in Chicago.</p> + +<p>4. On Virtue its Own Reward, as exemplified in the Lives and Adventures +of the Chicago Police.</p> + +<p>5. On the Various Smells to be observed in Chicago (with pungent +experiments.)</p> + +<p>6. On the Exact Trigonometrical Measurement of a Corner in Grain.</p> + +<p>7. On the feasibility of working an Elevator entirely by whisky power.</p> + +<p>MR. PUNCHINELLO has prepared forty-nine other papers on different +scientific subjects, including Pugilism, Base Ball, the Velocipede, +Female Suffrage, and Lake Navigation; and he now awaits on invitation +from Chicago to come on with his largest drum and his most melodious +trumpet. He is aware of the general impression among the Children of the +West that they already know every thing. He hastens to assure them that +they labor under the most hideous of delusions.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>A Midsummer Reading of Shakspeare.</h3> +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + + +<p> It must have been in "fly-time" that Shakspeare wrote--<br> + "When we have Shoo-flied off this mortal coil."</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + +<br><hr><br> + +<p>A Dead Beat to the Windward.</p> + +<p>MR. ASHBURY of "Cambria" fame.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>THE FISHERY QUESTION.</h2> + +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<img alt="13.jpg (87K)" src="13.jpg" height="607" width="401"> + +</td><td> + + +<p>Some trouble with regard to the Gulf fisheries appears to be +anticipated, and loud calls are being made upon Government by the +fishermen, who demand that immediate steps be taken for securing their +rights. The unmasterly inactivity of President GRANT, in the matter, is +considered by the fishermen as indicating a want of Porpus. They are +also very much chagrined with the Government for sending out to the +fishing-banks a dispatch boat bearing the inappropriate name of +"Frolic." There is a levity about this quite out of keeping with the +serious character of the question, and it is doubtful whether the +fishermen would not prefer a fight on the banks to a Frolic.</p> + +<p>Although the Government appears to Flounder sadly in the mud-banks of +this fishery question, still there is some hope that coercive measures +may yet be taken for restraining the Dominion fishermen from having +every thing on their own hook. Rumor has it that the monitor +Miantonomah, Captain SCHUFELDT, is awaiting orders for a cruise to the +troubled waters. This will doubtless prove to be a very summary and +complete way of settling the difficulty, inasmuch as a few broadsides +from the huge thunderer referred to would kill every fish upon the +banks, and blacken each particular fisherman into an OTHELLO with an +"occupation gone." The Canadian fishermen, of course, would suffer +equally with those of our own shores. They are a light-hearted people, +though, are these Canadians, fond of music and dancing, and they would +doubtless find consolation for their troubles by addressing the skipper +of the Miantonomah in a grand MASANIELLO strain, chorussed with +"SCHUFELDT don't bother us!"</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> + +<br><hr><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="14.jpg (193K)" src="14.jpg" height="823" width="653"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>OF MYTHOLOGY.</h2> + +<p>Mythology is the term by which the ancient Greek or Roman used to +distinguish hiss religion from the rival religions of other and +heretical pagans. Just as Orthodoxy, according to DEAN SWIFT, means "my +doxy," and Heterodoxy, the doxy of other people; so the pious Roman used +to speak of "my thology" as the only genuine religion; the "thologies" +of other men being cheap and worthless counterfeits of the real article. +The classic mythology had a large and varied assortment of deities, from +which every man could select a supply to suit himself. Thus the lawyer +could place a bust of Mercury, the god of chicanery, in his office, and +so secure the patronage of the god and save the expense of a tin sign +announcing his profession. The editor could dedicate his paper to the +service of Janus, the two-faced deity, and thus pursue his business +without perilling his reputation for religious consistency. The +advantages of this sort of thing need hardly be enlarged upon.</p> + +<p>We propose to give easy and familiar descriptions of the more important +gods of classic mythology, for the benefit of our younger readers. We +therefore begin without further delay, with the chief deities of +Olympus, the celestial Tammany Hall of the period. The Olympians formed +a sort of Ring which governed the entire celestial and infernal world, +and as they were the only judges of elections, they retained the power +undisturbed.</p> + +<p>JUPITER. This individual was a jolly, good-tempered, old Olympian who +lived in great terror of his wife, JUNO, and was sadly addicted to +surreptitious beer, and undignified flirtations with the female +servants. He was fond of disguising himself, and staying out late at +night in search of adventures. It is difficult, however, to believe that +he really disguised himself as a swan, in order to present his bill to +LEDA. The story, doubtless, originated in the fact that JUNO called him +"an old goose," to which he very probably replied that "other woman +appreciated him better, and that LEDA, for example, would be more apt to +call him a duck or a swan, than a degraded and abject goose." So, too, +in regard to the story that he disguised himself as a bull, and in that +eccentric costume made love to EUROPA. One legend expressly states that +he pretended to be an Irish bull. This is, of course, a figurative way +of saying that he proclaimed himself an Irish gentleman, a descendant of +BRIEN BORU and a graduate of Trinity College. EUROPA was probably a +child's nurse, and the fascinating Irish gentleman was accustomed to +meet her in the Park, and enliven her with his national witticisms. One +can easily believe that he made love to DANAE by throwing a shower of +gold in her lap--a story which shows that women were much the same in +ancient times as they are to day. There is no denying that JUPITER was a +sad old dog, and that he would have been killed a dozen times by insane +husbands had he not been immortal. However, he was pretty severely +punished by JUNO, who was the leader of the Olympian Sorosis, and who +used to hear of all his disreputable flirtations from the respectable +spinsters of that Wild Goddess Association, and would keep him awake +night after night, with curtain lectures on the subject. JUPITER was, +<i>ex-officio</i>, the chairman of the Olympian Society, and he once crushed +a rebellion of the Titans, who were the Roughs of the period, by locking +them out of the Olympian Hall, and shying all sorts of heavy missiles, +such as charters--a Greek word signifying a mountainous burden--out of +the upper chamber at them. He had a large number of relatives whom he +placed in all the fat offices, and though there was some dissatisfaction +with his government, it was generally agreed that he was better fitted +for his position than anyone of the Titans would have been. No one knows +what was the ultimate fate of JUPITER. He was, however, dethroned by the +Emperor CONSTANTINE, and was never afterwards heard of; though it is +well known that the inhabitants of certain inland counties of New Jersey +still believe in his existence, and have not yet heard of CONSTANTINE'S +reformation.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>Imperial Conundrum with an Irreconcilable Answer.</h3> + +<p>Why is Paris the greatest place in the world for the prosecution of +newspaper enterprises?</p> + +<p>Because there all newspaper enterprises are prosecuted.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>A Hanging that Ought to be "Played Out."</h3> + +<p>That practised by the "hanging committee" of the Academy of Design.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>Apropos of Theodora Thomas' Concerts.</h3> + +<p>Come into the garden Maudlin.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>TO OUR READERS.</h2> + +<p>Many complaints have been made to the Publishers of PUNCHINELLO +regarding the price asked for the paper by news-dealers in some parts of +this city, as well as elsewhere--viz.: Fifteen Cents a single copy.</p> + +<p>Now, the price of a single copy of PUNCHINELLO is Ten Cents, and no +newsman has a right to charge more for one, seeing that his profit on it +at the regular price is equal to that made by him on any other +illustrated paper.</p> + +<p>However gratifying it may be to us to know that our paper is considered +by dealers as being more valuable than any other one of a similar class, +it has become necessary for us to correct the abuse referred to. The +best way of effecting this is for our readers to send in their +subscriptions directly to this office. To every subscriber who sends in +$4, PUNCHINELLO shall be sent for one year, together with a splendid +premium; particulars respecting which will be found on last page of this +number.</p> + +<p>By following this arrangement, readers will get the paper regularly at +their respective addresses, and will avoid the possibility of being +imposed on.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="15.jpg (248K)" src="15.jpg" height="1117" width="749"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="16.jpg (280K)" src="16.jpg" height="1124" width="762"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + + + +<br><hr><br><br><br><br> + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 10, June 4, +1870, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 10 *** + +This file should be named 8p11010h.htm or 8p11010h.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 8p11011h.htm +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 8p11010ah.htm + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra Brown, and Project Gutenberg +Distributed Proofreaders from material generously made available +by Cornell University + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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