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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 05:33:23 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/9545-h.zip b/9545-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..da42cc2 --- /dev/null +++ b/9545-h.zip diff --git a/9545-h/9545-h.htm b/9545-h/9545-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..85c7c7b --- /dev/null +++ b/9545-h/9545-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2227 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> +<title>Punchinello, Vol 1. Issue 11</title> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> +<style type="text/css"> +<!-- +body {margin:10%; text-align:justify} +img {border: 0;} +blockquote {font-size:14pt} +P {font-size:14pt} +--> +</style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 11, June 11, 1870, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 11, June 11, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Posting Date: January 18, 2013 [EBook #9545] +Release Date: December, 2005 +First Posted: October 7, 2003 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, JUNE 11, 1870 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra +Brown and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1>Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 11, June 11, 1870</h1> + +<hr> +<br><br> + +<center> +<img alt="cover.jpg (277K)" src="images/cover.jpg" height="1142" width="765"> +</center> +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="advert.jpg (270K)" src="images/advert.jpg" height="1120" width="773"> +</center> +<br><br> + +<h2>ERIE RAILWAY.</h2> + +<p>TRAINS LEAVE DEPOTS</p> + +<p>Foot of Chambers Street</p> + +<p>and</p> + +<p>Foot of Twenty-Third Street,</p> + +<p>AS FOLLOWS:</p> + +<p>Through Express Trains leave Chambers Street at 8 A.M., 10 A.M., 5:30 P.M., +and 7:00 P.M., (daily); leave 23d Street at 7:45 A.M., 9:45 A.M., and 5:15 +and 6:45 P.M. (daily.) New and improved Drawing-Room Coaches will accompany +the 10:00 A.M. train through to Buffalo, connecting at Hornellsville with +magnificent Sleeping Coaches running through to Cleveland and Galion. +Sleeping Coaches will accompany the 8:00 A.M. train from Susquehanna to +Buffalo, the 5:30 P.M. train from New York to Buffalo, and the 7:00 P.M. +train from New York to Rochester, Buffalo and Cincinnati. An Emigrant train +leaves daily at 7:30 P.M.</p> + +<p>FOR PORT JERVIS AND WAY, *11:30 A.M., and 4:30 P.M., (Twenty-third Street, +*11:15 A.M. and 4:15 P.M.)</p> + +<p>FOR MIDDLETOWN AND WAY, at 3:30 P.M.,(Twenty-third Street, 3:15 P.M.); and, +Sundays only, 8:30 A.M. (Twenty-third Street, 8:15 P.M.)</p> + +<p>FOR GREYCOURT AND WAY, at *8:30 A.M., (Twenty-third Street, 8:15 A.M.)</p> + +<p>FOR NEWBURGH AND WAY, at 8:00 A.M., 3:30 and 4:30 P.M. (Twenty-third Street +7:45 A.M., 3:15 and 4:15 P.M.)</p> + +<p>FOR SUFFERN AND WAY, 5:00 P.M. and 6:00 P.M. (Twenty-third Street, 4:45 and +5:45 P.M.) Theatre Train, *ll:30 P.M. (Twenty-third Street, *11 P.M.)</p> + +<p>FOR PATERSON AND WAY, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at 6:45, 10:15 and +11:45 A.M.; *1:45 3:45, 5:15 and 6:45 P.M. From Chambers Street Depot at +6:45, 10:l5 A.M.; 12 M.; *1:45, 4:00, 5:15 and 6:45 P.M.</p> + +<p>FOR HACKENSACK AND HILLSDALE, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at 8:45 and +11:45 A.M.; $7:15 3:45, $5:15, 5:45, and $6:45 P.M. From Chambers Street +Depot, at 9:00 A.M.; 12:00 M.; $2:l5, 4:00 $5:l5, 6:00, and $6:45 P.M.</p> + +<p>FOR PIERMONT, MONSEY AND WAY, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at +8:45 A.M.; 12:45, {3:l5 4:15, 4:46 and {6:15 P.M., and, Saturdays only, +{12 midnight. From Chambers Street Depot, at 9:00 A.M.; 1:00, {3:30, +4:15, 5:00 and {6:30 P.M. Saturdays, only, {12:00 midnight.</p> + +<p>Tickets for passage and for apartments in Drawing-Room and Sleeping Coaches +can be obtained, and orders for the Checking and Transfer of Baggage may +be left at the</p> + +<p>COMPANY'S OFFICES:</p> + +<p>241, 529, and 957 BroadFway. +205 Chambers Street. +Cor. 125th Street & Third Ave., Harlem. +338 Fulton Street, Brooklyn. +Depots, foot of Chambers Street and foot +of Twenty-third Street, New York. +3 Exchange Place. +Long Dock Depot, Jersey City, +And of the Agents at the principal Hotels</p> + +<p>WM. R. BARR, +<i>General Passenger Agent.</i></p> + +<p>L. D. RUCKER, +<i>General Superintendent.</i></p> + +<p>Daily. $For Hackensack only, {For Piermont only.</p> + +<p>May 2D, 1870.</p> + +<hr> + +<h2>MERCANTILE LIBRARY</h2> + +<p>Clinton Hall, Astor Place,</p> + +<p>NEW YORK.</p> + +<p>This is now the largest Circulating Library in America, the number of +volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 volumes are added each +month; and very large purchases are made of all new and popular works. +Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each delivery.</p> + +<p>TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP:</p> + +<p>TO CLERKS, $1 INITIATION, $3 ANNUAL DUES. +TO OTHERS, $5 A YEAR.</p> + +<p>Subscriptions Taken for Six Months.</p> + +<p>BRANCH OFFICES</p> + +<p>at</p> + +<p>No. 76 Cedar St., New York,</p> + +<p>and at </p> + +<p>Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth.</p> + +<hr> + +<p>AMERICAN</p> + +<p>BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING,</p> + +<p>AND</p> + +<p>SEWING-MACHINE CO.,</p> + +<p>572 and 574 Broadway, New-York.</p> + +<p> +This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on +all the former machines, making, in addition to all work done on best +Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful</p> + +<p>BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES,</p> + +<p>in all fabrics.</p> + +<p>Machine, with finely finished</p> + +<p>OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER</p> + +<p>complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts,$50. This last +is beyond all question the simplest, easiest to manage and to keep in +order, of any machine in the market. Machines warranted, and full +instruction given to purchasers.</p> + + +<hr> + +<p>J. NICKINSON</p> + +<p>begs to announce to the friends of</p> + +<p>"PUNCHINELLO"</p> + +<p>residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has +Made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of</p> + +<p>ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED.</p> + +<p>the same will be forwarded, postage paid.</p> + +<p>Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing Houses +can have the same forwarded by inclosing two stamps.</p> + +<p>OFFICE OF</p> + +<p>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.</p> + +<p>83 Nassau Street,</p> + +<p>[P.O. Box 2783.]</p> + +<hr> + +<h2>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.</h2> + +<h4>AN ADAPTATION.</h4> + +<h3>BY ORPHEUS C. KERR.</h3> + +<p> +[The American Press's Young Gentlemen, when taking their shady literary +walks among the Columns of Interesting Matter, have been known to +remark—with a glibness and grace, by Jove, greatly in excess of their +salaries—that the reason why we don't produce great works of +imagination in this country, as they do in other countries, is because +we haven't the genius, you know. They think—do they?—that the +bran-new localities, post-office addresses, and official titles, +characteristic of the United States of America, are rife with all the +grand old traditional suggestions so useful in helping along the +romantic interest of fiction. They think—do they?—that if an American +writer could write a Novel in the exact style of COLLINS, or TROLLOPE, +or DICKENS: only laying its scenes and having its characters in this +country; the work would be as romantically effective as one by COLLINS, +or TROLLOPE, or DICKENS; and that the possibly necessary incidental +mention of such native places as Schermerhorn Street, Dobb's Ferry, or +Chicago, <i>wouldn't</i> disturb the nicest dramatic illusion of the +imaginative tale. Very well, then! All right! Just look here!—O A.P's +Young Gentlemen, just look here—]</p> + +<br><br><br><br> + +<p> +CHAPTER I.</p> + +<p> +DAWNATION.</p> + +<p> +A modern American Ritualistic Spire! How can the modern American +Ritualistic Spire be here! The well-known tapering brown Spire, like a +closed umbrella on end? How can that be here? There is no rusty rim of a +shocking bad hat between the eye and that Spire in the real prospect. +What is the rusty rim that now intervenes, and confuses the vision of at +least one eye? It must be an intoxicated hat that wants to see, too. It +is so, for ritualistic choirs strike up, acolytes swing censers +dispensing the heavy odor of punch, and the ritualistic rector and his +gaudily robed assistants in alb, chasuble, maniple and tunicle, intone a +<i>Nux Vomica</i> in gorgeous procession. Then come twenty young clergymen in +stoles and birettas, running after twenty marriageable young ladies of +the congregation who have sent them worked slippers. Then follow ten +thousand black monkies swarming all over everybody and up and down +everything, chattering like fiends. Still the Ritualistic Spire keeps +turning up in impossible places, and still the intervening rusty rim of +a hat inexplicably clouds one eye. There dawns a sensation as of +writhing grim figures of snakes in one's boots, and the intervening +rusty rim of the hat that was not in the original prospect takes a +snake-like—But stay! Is this the rim of my own hat tumbled all awry? I' +mushbe! A few reflective moments, not unrelieved by hiccups, mush be +d'voted to co'shider-ERATION of th' posh'bil'ty.</p> + +<p>Nodding excessively to himself with unspeakable gravity, the gentleman +whose diluted mind has thus played the Dickens with him, slowly arises +to an upright position by a series of complicated manoeuvres with both +hands and feet; and, having carefully balanced himself on one leg, and +shaking his aggressive old hat still farther down over his left eye, +proceeds to take a cloudy view of his surroundings. He is in a room +going on one side to a bar, and on the other side to a pair of glass +doors and a window, through the broken panes of which various musty +cloth substitutes for glass ejaculate toward the outer Mulberry Street. +Tilted back in chairs against the wall, in various attitudes of +dislocation of the spine and compound fracture of the neck, are an +Alderman of the ward, an Assistant-Assessor, and the lady who keeps the +hotel. The first two are shapeless with a slumber defying every law of +comfortable anatomy; the last is dreamily attempting to light a stumpy +pipe with the wrong end of a match, and shedding tears, in the dim +morning ghastliness, at her repeated failures.</p> + +<p>"Thry another," says this woman, rather thickly, to the gentleman +balanced on one leg, who is gazing at her and winking very much. "Have +another, wid some bitters."</p> + +<p>He straightens himself extremely, to an imminent peril of falling over +backward, sways slightly to and fro, and becomes as severe in expression +of countenance as his one uncovered eye will allow.</p> + +<p>The woman falls back in her chair again asleep, and he, walking with one +shoulder depressed, and a species of sidewise, running gait, approaches +and poises himself over her.</p> + +<p>"What vision can <i>she</i> have?" the man muses, with his hat now fully upon +the bridge of his nose. He smiles unexpectedly; as suddenly frowns with +great intensity; and involuntarily walks backward against the sleeping +Alderman. Him he abstractedly sits down upon, and then listens intently +for any casual remark he may make. But one word comes— +"Wairzernat'chal'zationc'tif'kits."</p> + +<p>"Unintelligent!" mutters the man, weariedly; and, rising dejectedly from +the Alderman, lurches, with a crash, upon the Assistant-Assessor. Him he +shakes fiercely for being so bony to fall on, and then hearkens for a +suitable apology.</p> + +<p>"Warzwaz-yourwifesincome-lash'—lash'-year?"</p> + +<p>A thoughtful pause, partaking of a doze.</p> + +<p>"Unintelligent!"</p> + +<p>Complicatedly arising from the Assessor, with his hat now almost hanging +by an ear, the gentleman, after various futile but ingenious efforts to +face towards the door by turning his head alone that way, finally +succeeds by walking in a circle until the door is before him. Then, with +his whole countenance charged with almost scowling intensity of purpose, +though finding it difficult to keep his eyes very far open, he balances +himself with the utmost care, throws his shoulders back, steps out +daringly, and goes off at an acute slant toward the Alderman again. +Recovering himself by a tremendous effort of will and a few wild +backward movements, he steps out jauntily once more, and can not stop +himself until he has gone twice around a chair on his extreme left and +reached almost exactly the point from which he started the first time. +He pauses, panting, but with the scowl of determination still more +intense, and concentrated chiefly in his right eye. Very cautiously +extending his dexter hand, that he may not destroy the nicety of his +perpendicular balance, he points with a finger at the knob of the door, +and suffers his stronger eye to fasten firmly upon the same object. A +moment's balancing, to make sure, and then, in three irresistible, +rushing strides, he goes through the glass doors with a burst, without +stopping to turn the latch, strikes an ash-box on the edge of the +sidewalk, rebounds to a lamp-post, and then, with the irresistible rush +still on him, describes a hasty wavy line, marked by irregular +heel-strokes, up the street.</p> + +<p>That same afternoon, the modern American Ritualistic Spire rises in +duplicate illusion before the multiplying vision of a traveller recently +off the ferry-boat, who, as though not satisfied with the length of his +journey, makes frequent and unexpected trials of its width. The bells +are ringing for vesper service; and, having fairly made the right door +at last, after repeatedly shooting past and falling short of it, he +reaches his place in the choir and performs voluntaries and +involuntaries upon the organ, in a manner not distinguishable from +almost any fashionable church-music of the period.</p> + +<br><br><br><br> + +<p> +CHAPTER II.</p> + +<p> +A DEAN, AND A CHAP OR TWO ALSO.</p> + +<p> +Whosoever has noticed a party of those sedate and Germanesquely +philosophical animals, the pigs, scrambling precipitately under a gate +from out a cabbage-patch toward nightfall, may, perhaps, have observed, +that, immediately upon emerging from the sacred vegetable preserve, a +couple of the more elderly and designing of them assumed a sudden air of +abstracted musing, and reduced their progress to a most dignified and +leisurely walk, as though to convince the human beholder that their +recent proximity to the cabbages had been but the trivial accident of a +meditative stroll.</p> + +<p>Similarly, service in the church being over, and divers persons of +piggish solemnity of aspect dispersing, two of the latter detach +themselves from the rest and try an easy lounge around toward a side +door of the building, as though willing to be taken by the outer world +for a couple of unimpeachable low-church gentlemen who merely happened +to be in that neighborhood at that hour for an airing.</p> + +<p>The day and year are waning, and the setting sun casts a ruddy but not +warming light upon two figures under the arch of the side door; while +one of these figures locks the door, the other, who seems to have a +music book under his arm, comes out, with a strange, screwy motion, as +though through an opening much too narrow for him, and, having poised a +moment to nervously pull some imaginary object from his right boot and +hurl it madly from him, goes unexpectedly off with the precipitancy and +equilibriously concentric manner of a gentleman in his first private +essay on a tight-rope.</p> + +<p>"Was that Mr. BUMSTEAD, SMYTHE?"</p> + +<p>"It wasn't anybody else, your Reverence."</p> + +<p>"Say 'his identity with the person mentioned scarcely comes within the +legitimate domain of doubt,' SMYTHE—to Father Dean, the younger of the +piggish persons softly interposes,</p> + +<p>"Is Mr. BUMSTEAD unwell, SMYTHE?"</p> + +<p>"He's got 'em bad to-night."</p> + +<p>"Say 'incipient cerebral effusion marks him especially for its prey at +this vesper hour.' SMYTHE—to Father DEAN," again softly interposes Mr. +SIMPSON, the Gospeler.</p> + +<p>"Mr. SIMPSON," pursues Father DEAN, whose name has been modified, by +various theological stages, from its original form of Paudean, to Pere +DEAN—Father DEAN, "I regret to hear that Mr. BUMSTEAD is so delicate in +health; you may stop at his boarding-house on your way home, and ask him +how he is, with my compliments." <i>Pax vobiscum</i>.</p> + +<p>Shining so with a sense of his own benignity that the retiring sun gives +up all rivalry at once and instantly sets in despair, Father DEAN +departs to his dinner, and Mr. SIMPSON, the Gospeler, betakes himself +cheerily to the second-floor-back where Mr. BUMSTEAD lives. Mr. BUMSTEAD +is a shady-looking man of about six and twenty, with black hair and +whiskers of the window-brush school, and a face reminding you of the +BOURBONS. As, although lighting his lamp, he has, abstractedly, almost +covered it with his hat, his room is but imperfectly illuminated, and +you can just detect the accordeon on the window-sill, and, above the +mantel, an unfinished sketch of a school-girl. (There is no artistic +merit in this picture; in which, indeed, a simple triangle on end +represents the waist, another and slightly larger triangle the skirts, +and straight-lines with rake-like terminations the arms and hands.)</p> + +<p>"Called to ask how you are, and offer Father DEAN'S compliments," says +the Gospeler.</p> + +<p>"I'm allright, shir!" says Mr. BUMSTEAD, rising from the rug where he +has been temporarily reposing, and dropping his umbrella. He speaks +almost with ferocity.</p> + +<p>"You are awaiting your nephew, EDWIN DROOD?"</p> + +<p>"Yeshir." As he answers, Mr. BUMSTEAD leans languidly far across the +table, and seems vaguely amazed at the aspect of the lamp with his hat +upon it.</p> + +<p>Mr. SIMPSON retires softly, stops to greet some one at the foot of the +stairs, and, in another moment, a young man fourteen years old enters +the room with his carpet-bag.</p> + +<p>"My dear boys! My dear EDWINS!"</p> + +<p>Thus speaking, Mr. BUMSTEAD sidles eagerly at the new comer, with open +arms, and, in falling upon his neck, does so too heavily, and bears him +with a crash to the ground.</p> + +<p>"Oh, see here! this is played out, you know," ejaculates the nephew, +almost suffocated with travelling-shawl and BUMSTEAD.</p> + +<p>Mr. BUMSTEAD rises from him slowly and with dignity.</p> + +<p>"Excuse me, dear EDWIN, I thought there were two of you."</p> + +<p>EDWIN DROOD regains his feet with alacrity and casts aside his shawl.</p> + +<p>"Whatever you thought, uncle, I am still a single man, although your way +of coming down on a chap was enough to make me beside myself. Any grub, +JACK?"</p> + +<p>With a check upon his enthusiasm and a sudden gloom of expression +amounting almost to a squint, Mr. BUMSTEAD motions with his whole right +side toward an adjacent room in which a table is spread, and leads the +way thither in a half-circle.</p> + +<p>"Ah, this is prime!" cries the young fellow, rubbing his hands; the +while he realizes that Mr. BUMSTEAD'S squint is an attempt to include +both himself and the picture over the mantel in the next room in one +incredibly complicated look.</p> + +<p>Not much is said during dinner, as the strength of the boarding-house +butter requires all the nephew's energies for single combat with it, and +the uncle is so absorbed in a dreamy effort to make a salad with his +hash and all the contents of the castor, that he can attend to nothing +else. At length the cloth is drawn, EDWIN produces some peanuts from his +pocket and passes some to Mr. BUMSTEAD, and the latter, with a wet towel +pinned about his head, drinks a great deal of water.</p> + +<p>"This is Sissy's birthday, you know, JACK," says the nephew, with a +squint through the door and around the corner of the adjoining apartment +toward the crude picture over the mantel, "and, if our respective +respected parents hadn't bound us by will to marry, I'd be mad after +her."</p> + +<p>Crack. On EDWIN DROOD'S part.</p> + +<p>Hic. On Mr. BUMSTEAD'S part.</p> + +<p>"Nobody's dictated a marriage for you, JACK. <i>You</i> can choose for +yourself. Life for <i>you</i> is still fraught with freedom's intoxicating—"</p> + +<p>Mr. BUMSTEAD has suddenly become very pale, and perspires heavily on the +forehead.</p> + +<p>"Good Heavens, JACK! I haven't hurt your feelings?"</p> + +<p>Mr. BUMSTEAD makes a feeble pass at him with the water-decanter, and +smiles in a very ghastly manner.</p> + +<p>"Lem me be a mis'able warning to you, EDWIN," says Mr. BUMSTEAD, +shedding tears.</p> + +<p>The scared face of the younger recalls him to himself, and he adds: +"Don't mind me, my dear boys. It's cloves; you may notice them on my +breath. I take them for nerv'shness." Here he rises in a series of +trembles to his feet, and balances, still very pale, on one leg.</p> + +<p>"You want cheering up," says EDWIN DROOD, kindly.</p> + +<p>"Yesh—cheering up. Let's go and walk in the graveyard," says Mr. +BUMSTEAD.</p> + +<p>"By all means. You won't mind my slipping out for half a minute to the +Alms House to leave a few gum-drops for Sissy? Rather spoony, JACK."</p> + +<p>Mr. BUMSTEAD almost loses his balance in an imprudent attempt to wink +archly, and says, "Norring-half-sh'-shweet-'n-life." He is very thick +with EDWIN DROOD, for he loves him.</p> + +<p>"Well, let's skedaddle, then."</p> + +<p>Mr. BUMSTEAD very carefully poises himself on both feet, puts on his hat +over the wet towel, gives a sudden horrified glance downward toward one +of his boots, and leaps frantically over an object.</p> + +<p>"Why, that was only my cane," says EDWIN.</p> + +<p>Mr. BUMSTEAD breathes hard, and leans heavily on his nephew as they go +out together.</p> + +<p>(<i>To be Continued.</i>)</p> + +<hr> + +<h2> +~JUMBLES~</h2> + +<p> +PUNCHINELLO has heard, of course, of the good time coming. It has not +come yet. It won't come till the stars sing together in the morning, +after going home, like festive young men, early. It won't come till +Chicago has got its growth in population, morals and ministers. It won't +come till the women are all angels, and men are all honest and wise; not +until politicians and retailers learn to tell the truth. You may think +the Millennium a long way off. Perhaps so. But mighty revolutions are +sometimes wrought in a mighty fast time. Many a fast man has been known +to turn over a new leaf in a single night, and forever afterwards be +slow. Such a thing is dreadful to contemplate, but it has been. Many a +vain woman has seen the folly of her ways at a glance, and at once gone +back on them. This is <i>not</i> dreadful to contemplate, since to go back on +folly is to go onward in wisdom. The female sex is not often guilty of +this eccentricity, but instances have been known. It is that which fills +the proud bosom of man with hope and consolation, and makes him feel +really that woman is coming; which is all the more evident since she +began her "movement." The good time coming is nowhere definitely named +in the almanacs. The goings and comings of the heavenly bodies, from the +humble star to the huge planet, are calculated with the facility of the +cut of the newest fashion; and the revolutions of dynasties can be fixed +upon with tolerable certainty; but the period of the good time coming is +lost in the mists of doubt and the vapors of uncertainty. It is very +sure in expectancy, like the making of matrimonial matches. Everybody is +looking for it, but nobody sees it. The sharpest of eyes only discern +the bluest and gloomiest objects. But PUNCHINELLO may reasonably expect +to see, feel and know, this good time. The coming will yet be to it the +time come. Perhaps it will be when it visits two hundred thousand +readers weekly, when mothers sigh, children cry, and fathers well-nigh +die for it. At all events, somewhen or other—it may be the former +period, but possibly the latter—the good time <i>will</i> come. And great +will be the coming thereof, with no discount to the biggest or richest +man out.</p> + +<p>What a luxury is Hope! It springs eternal in the human breast. Rather an +awkward place for a spring, but as poets know more than other people, no +doubt it is all right. Hope is an institution. What is the White House, +or the Capitol at Washington, to Hope? What is the Central Park, or +Boston Common, or the Big Organ, to Hope? Not much—not anything, like +the man's religion, to speak of. Hope bears up many a man, though it +pays no bills to the grocer, milliner, tailor, or market man. It is the +vertebra which steadies him plumb up to a positive perpendicular. A +hopeless man or woman—how fearful! They very soon become +round-shouldered, limp and weak, and drink little but unsizable sighs, +and feed on all manner of dark and unhealthy things. It is TODD'S +deliberate opinion that if a cent can't be laid up, Hope should. Hope +with empty pockets is rich compared to wealth with "nary a" hope. Hope +is a good thing to have about the house. It always comes handy, and is +acceptable even to company. So believes, and he acts on the faith, does</p> + +<p>TIMOTHY TODD.</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +~Capitol Punishment.~</p> + +<p> +Abolition of the franking privilege.</p> + +<hr> + +<h2>~SKETCH OF ORPHEUS C. KERR.~</h2> +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="01.jpg (272K)" src="images/01.jpg" height="729" width="831"> +</center> +<br><br> + +<p>It is now nearly a twelfth of a century since the veracious Historian of +the imperishable Mackerel Brigade first manoeuvred that incomparably +strategical military organization in public, and caused it to illustrate +the fine art of waging heroic war upon a life-insurance principle. +Equally renowned in arms for its feats and legs, and for being always on +hand when any peculiarly daring retrograde movement was on foot, this +limber martial body continually fell back upon victory throughout the +war, and has been coming forward with hand-organs ever since. Its +complete History, by the same gentleman who is now adapting the literary +struggles of MR. E. DROOD to American minds and matters, was +subsequently issued from the press of CARLETON, in more or less volumes, +and at once attracted profound attention from the author's creditors. +One great American journal said of it: "We find the paper upon which +this production is printed of a most amusing quality." Another observed: +"The binding of this tedious military work is the most humorous we ever +saw." A third added: "In typographical details, the volumes now under +consideration are facetious beyond compare."</p> +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="02.jpg (295K)" src="images/02.jpg" height="850" width="709"> +</center> +<br><br> + +<p>The present residence of the successful Historian is Begad's Hill, New +Jersey, and, if not existing in SHAKSPEARE'S time, it certainly looks +old enough to have been built at about that period. Its architecture is +of the no-capital Corinthian order; there are mortgages both front and +back, and hot and cold water at the nearest hotel. From the central +front window, which belongs to the author's library, in which he keeps +his Patent Office Reports, there is a fine view of the top of the porch; +while from the rear casements you get a glimpse of blind-shutters which +won't open. It is reported of this fine old place, that the present +proprietor wished to own it even when a child; never dreaming the +mortgaged halls would yet be his without a hope of re-selling.</p> + +<p>Although fully thirty years of age, the owner of Begad's Hill Place +still writes with a pen; and, perhaps, with a finer thoughtfulness as to +not suffusing his fingers with ink than in his more youthful moments of +composition. He is sound and kind in both single and double harness; +would undoubtedly be good to the Pole if he could get there; and, +although living many miles from the city, walks into his breakfast every +morning in the year. Let us, however,</p> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> +<p> "No longer seek his virtues to disclose, + Nor draw his frailties from their dread abode."</p> +</td></tr> +</table> + </center> + +<p>but advise PUNCHINELLO'S readers to peruse the "Mystery of Mr. E. +DROOD," for further glimpses of Mr. ORPHEUS C. KERR.</p> + +<hr> + +<h2>~The Fall of Man at the Falls~.</h2> + +<p>It is a very lamentable fact that the married people of Niagara have not +attained even the dignity and comfort of insanity. A paragraph informs +us that "The Niagara hotels have already forty-seven men trying to look +as if married for years, and who only succeed in resembling imbeciles." +To a Niagara tourist this must be an Eye-aggravating spectacle. But, +fortunately, none of this class of the Double-Blest will shoot anybody. +They don't look as if they had been married long! They are imbecile, not +insane!</p> + +<hr> + +<h2>~Green and Red~.</h2> + +<p>The <i>Southern Cell</i> proposes that the Fenians shall make a new Ireland +of Winnipeg. Except on the principle of Hibernating, PUNCHINELLO cannot +discover why his Irish fellow-citizens are ambitious to winter in the +Red River country. Wouldn't Greenland do as well, and wear better?</p> + +<hr> + +<h2>~TAKE CARE OF THE WOUNDED~</h2> + +<p>Though but one of the Fenian leaders was killed in the late Frontier +Fizzle, yet many of them are reported as being badly wounded—as to +their feelings. General O'NEIL'S feelings are dreadfully hurt by the +ignominy of a constable and a cell, which was a bad Cell for a Celt. The +feelings of General GLEASON (and they must be multitudinous, since he is +nearly seven feet high,) were so badly wounded by circumstances over +which he didn't seem to have any control, that he retired from the field +"in disgust." Mental afflictions, in fact, are so numerous among the +Fenians since their Fizzle, as to suggest the advisability of their +Head-Centre founding a Hospital for Wounded Feelings with the surplus of +the funds wrung by him from simple, hard-working BRIDGET.</p> + +<hr> + +<h2>~Interesting to Bathers~</h2> + +<p>Persons who are drowned while bathing in the surf are said to experience +but little pain. In fact, their Sufferings are short.</p> + +<hr> + +<h2>~Fenian Tactics~.</h2> + +<p>The first movement of the Fenians on reaching Canadian soil was to +"throw out their skirmishers into a hop field," where the Hops gathered +by them were of the precipitate and retrogressive kind sometimes traced +to Spanish origin.</p> + +<hr> +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> +<h2>~THE HOLY GRAIL AND OTHER POEMS.~</h2> + +<p> +(This is one of the other Poems.)</p> + +<p> +BY A HALF-RED DENIZEN OF THE WEST.</p> + +<p> + SIR PELLEAS, lord of many a barren isle,<br> + On his front stoop at eventide, awhile,<br> + Sat solemn. His mother, on a stuel,<br> + At the crannied hearth prepared his gruel.</p> +<br> +<p> "Mother!" he cried, "I love!" Said she, "Ah, who?"<br> + "I know not, mother dear," he said, "Do you?<br> + I only know I love all maidens fair;<br> + My special maid, I have not seen, I swear.<br> + Perhaps she's fair as Arthur's queenly saint;<br> + And pure as she—and then, perhaps she ain't."</p> +<br> +<p> Turned then his mother from the hearth-stone hot;<br> + Dropped the black lid upon the gruel-pot.<br> + "I know'd a Qua-aker feller, as often as tow'd me this:<br> + 'Doan't thou marry for munny, but goa wheer munny is!'<br> + She's a beauty, thou thinks—wot'a a beauty? the flower as blaws,<br> + But proputty, proputty sticks, and proputty, proputty graws."</p> +<br> +<p> Then said her son, "If I may make so bold,<br> + You quote the new-style poem, not the old.<br> + The Northern Farmer whom you think so sage<br> + Is not born yet. This is the Middle Age."</p> +<br> +<p> He said no more, and on the next bright day<br> + To Arthur's court he proudly rode away.<br> + And on the way a maiden did he meet,<br> + And laid his heart and fortunes at her feet.<br> + Smiling on him—ETTARRE was her name—<br> + "Brave knight," she said, "your love I cannot blame.<br> + Your hands are strong. I see you have no brains,<br> + You're just the man for tournaments. Your pains,<br> + In case for me a battle you shall win,<br> + Shall be rewarded," and she smiled like sin.</p> +<br> +<p> PELLEAS glistened with a wild delight;<br> + And good King Arthur soon got up a fight<br> + And on the flat field, by the shore of Usk,<br> + SIR PELLEAS smashed the knights from dawn till dusk.</p> +<br> +<p> Then from his spear—at least he thought he did—<br> + He shook each mangled corpse, and softly glid,<br> + And crowned ETTARRE Queen of Love and Truth.<br> + She wore the crown and then bescorned the youth.<br> + Now to her castle home would she repair;<br> + And PELLEAS craved that he might see her there.<br> + "Oh, young man from the country!" then said she,<br> + "Shoo fly! poor fool, and don't you bother me!"<br> + She banged her gate behind her, crying "Sold!"<br> + The noble youth was left out in the cold.</p> +<br> +<p> He shoo-ed the fly from the flower-pots,<br> + From blackest moss, he shoo-ed them all.<br> + Shoo-ed them from rusted nails and knots,<br> + That held the peach to the garden-wall;</p> +<br> +<p> And broken sheds, all sad and strange.<br> + He shoo-ed them from the clinking latch,<br> + And from the weeded, ancient thatch,<br> + Upon the lonely moated grange.</p> +<br> +<p> He only said, "This thing is dreary.<br> + She cometh not!" he said.<br> + He said, "I am aweary, aweary,<br> + I wish these flies were dead."</p> +<br> +<p> So PELLEAS made his moan. And every day,<br> + Or moist or dry, he shoo-ed the flies away.<br> + "These be the ways of ladies," PELLEAS saith,<br> + "To those who love them; trials of our faith."</p> +<br> +<p> But ceaseless shoo-ing made the lady mad,<br> + And she called out the best three knights she had,<br> + And charged them, "Charge him! Drive him from the wall!<br> + If he keeps on, we'll have no flies at all!"<br> + And out they came. Each did his level best;<br> + SIR PELLEAS soon killed one and slew the rest.</p> +<br> +<p> A bush of wild marsh-marigold,<br> + That shines in hollows gray,<br> + He cut, and smiling to his love,<br> + He shoo-ed more flies away.</p> +<br> +<p> He clasped his neck with crooked hands;<br> + In the hot sun in lonely lands,<br> + For several days he steady stands.<br> + The wrinkled fly beneath him crawls,<br> + He watches by the castle walls—<br> + Like thunder then his bush it falls.</p> +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> +<br><br> +<center> + <img alt="03.jpg (261K)" src="images/03.jpg" height="601" width="935"> +</center> + <br><br> +<p>(<i>To be Continued.</i>)</p> + +<hr> + +<h2>~ASTRONOMICAL CONVERSATIONS.~</h2> + +<h3>[BY A FATHER AND DAUGHTER RESIDING ON THE PLANET VENUS.]</h3> + +<p>No. IV.</p> + +<p><i>D.</i> Oh, Pa, if we only had a Moon! What is life without one?</p> + +<p><i>F.</i> Well, my child, we've w'iggled along, so far. It is true, our +Telluric friends may be said to have the advantage of us; but then, +there's no lunacy here! Everything is on the square on this planet!</p> + +<p><i>D.</i> I don't care; I want a Moon, square or no square! There's no excuse +for being sentimental here. Who is ever imaginative, right after supper? +And yet Twilight is all the time we have.</p> + +<p><i>F.</i> But still, HELENE, I think our young folks are not really deficient +in sentiment. What they would be, with six or seven moons, like those of +SATURN or URANUS, is frightful to think of! Heavens! what poetry would +spring up, like asparagus, in the genial spring-time! We should see +Raptures, I warrant you! And oh, the frensies, the homicidal energies, +the child-roastings! Yes, Moonshine would make it livelier here, no +doubt. A fine time, truly, for Ogres, with their discriminating +scent!—And what a moony sky! How odd, if one had a parlor with six +windows.</p> + +<p><i>D.</i> Seven would be odder.</p> + +<p><i>F.</i> Well, seven, and a moon looking into each one of 'em! An artist +would perhaps object to the cross-lights, but he needn't paint by them.</p> + +<p><i>D.</i> What kind of "lights" were you speaking of?</p> + +<p><i>F.</i> Satellites.</p> + +<p><i>D.</i> Oh, pshaw! don't tantalize me!</p> + +<p><i>F.</i> Well, cross-lights.</p> + +<p><i>D.</i> Now, pray, what may a cross-light be? An unamiable and inhospitable +light, like that which gleams from the eyes of an astronomer when he is +interrupted in the midst of a calculation?</p> + +<p><i>F.</i> No, nor yet the sarcastic sparkle in the eyes of a witty but +selfish and unfilial young lady! Cross-lights are lights whose rays, +coming from opposite quarters, cross each other.</p> + +<p><i>D.</i> (Then yours and mine are cross-lights, I guess!) If two American +twenty-five cent pieces were to be placed at a distance from each other, +and you stood between them——</p> + +<p><i>F.</i> My child, I could never come between friends who would gladly see +each other after so long an absence!</p> + +<p><i>D.</i> I was only trying to realize your idea of "light from opposite +quarters."</p> + +<p><i>F.</i> The most of 'em must be far too rusty to reflect light.</p> + +<p><i>D.</i> Oh, I dare say their reflections are heavy enough.</p> + +<p><i>F.</i> And so will mine be, soon, if you go on in that style.</p> + +<p><i>D.</i> Well, pa, I do drivel—that's a fact! Let us turn to something of +more importance.</p> + +<p><i>F.</i> Suppose we now attend the Celestial Bull Fight always going on over +there in the sky. On one side you perceive that gamey <i>matador,</i> ORION +(not the "Gold Beater,") with his club and his lion's skin, <i>a la +Hercules</i>. You observe how "unreservedly and unconditionally" he pitches +into the Bull, and how superb is the attitude and ardor of his opponent. +It is a splendid set-to, full of alarming possibilities. Every moment +you expect to see those enormous horns engaged with the bowels of ORION, +or, in default of this, to behold that truculent Club come down, Whack! +on that curly pate!</p> + +<p><i>D.</i> And yet, they don't!</p> + +<p><i>F.</i> True enough,—they don't. It reminds me of one JOHN BULL, and his +familiar <i>vis-a-vis,</i> O'RYAN the Fenian. As the celestial parties have +maintained their portentous attitudes for ages, and nothing has come of +it, so we may look placidly for a similar suspension in the earthly +copy.</p> + +<p><i>D.</i> But their very attitudes are startling! Wasn't ORION something of a +boaster?</p> + +<p><i>F.</i> Oh, yes; he was in the habit of declaring that there wasn't an +animal on earth that he couldn't whip. He got come up with, however. By +the way, ORION was the original Homoeopathist. His proposed +father-in-law, DON OEROPION, having unfortunately put out his eyes, in a +little operation for misplaced affection, he hit on the now famous +principle, which, if fit for HAHNE-MAN, was fit for ORION. He went to +gazing at the sun. What would have destroyed his vision if he had had +any, now restored it when he didn't have any, and his sight became so +keen that he was able to see through OEROPION—though, I believe, he +reinforced his powers of ocular penetration with a pod-auger.</p> + +<p><i>D.</i> (Drivelling again! More Bitters, I guess!) Father, why were the +Pleiades placed in the Head of TAURUS?</p> + +<p><i>F.</i> Well, my child, there are various explanations. On the Earth, they +pretend to say it was meant to signify that the English women are the +finest in the universe—the most sensible, the most charming, the most +virtuous. No wonder, if this is so, we find their sign up there! What +said MAGNUS APOLLO to young IULUS,—"Proceed, youngster, you'll get +there eventually!" And MAG. was right.</p> + +<p><i>D.</i> Pa, why do they say, "the <i>Seven</i> Pleiades," when there are only +six?</p> + +<p><i>F.</i> Well, dear, [<i>kissing her,</i>] perhaps there's a vacancy for <i>you!</i> I +expect the Universe will be called in, one of these nights, to admire a +new winking, blinking, and saucy little violet star—the neatest thing +going! But not, I hope, just yet.</p> + +<p><i>D.</i> Boo—hoo—hoo—hoo!</p> + +<p><i>F.</i> Well, hang the Pleiades! Boo—hoo—hoo—too!</p> + +<hr> + +<h2>~Good for Something Better.~</h2> + +<p>We like enthusiasm. We are ourselves quite given to the admiration of +great people, as they, in their turn, we have reason to believe, are +given to admiration of their dear PUNCHINELLO. But when an English +adorer says that he considers "MR. CHARLES SUMNER fit for a throne," we +are tempted to inquire what throne there is fit for <i>him</i>? The fact is, +thrones have come to be rather more disreputable than three-legged +stools. "Every inch a king" may mean six feet of mad-man, or five feet +of mad-woman. We sincerely hope that there is no intention in England of +making MR. SUMNER the King of Spain—we mean of abducting him for the +purpose; for of course, he would never voluntarily assume the purple.</p> + +<hr> + +<h2>~The Difference.~</h2> + +<p>Fenian General O'NEILL bore down upon Canada with a martial charge, but +he was sent back in a Marshal's charge.</p> + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="04.jpg (210K)" src="images/04.jpg" height="737" width="804"> +</center> +<br><br> +<hr> + +<h2>~Woman's Right to Ballot and Bullet.~</h2> + +<p>In a speech which sounds like a six-shooter, that deadly woman, Mrs. +F.H.M. BROWN, of San Francisco, gives notice that "when she goes to cast +her ballot, if any man insults her, she will shoot him!" Who will now +dare to question woman's ability to exercise both the franchise and the +franchised? PUNCHINELLO sadly foresees that Shooters for the hands of +women will take the place of Suitors. Nevertheless, he guarantees that +the Constitutional right of women to bear arms shall not be infringed, +and that they shall enjoy the inestimable privilege to shoot and be shot +at. Every woman shall be at perfect liberty to cast her bullet for the +man of her choice!</p> + +<hr> + +<h2>~How to Make Ends Meet.~</h2> + +<p>Miss BRITTAIN delivers a lecture on the High-caste women of India. She +should supplement it with one on the High-strung women of Indiana, and +thus illustrate the extremes of marriage and divorce.</p> + +<hr> + +<h3>~From the Vermont Border.~</h3> + +<p><i>Voice.</i> "Has anything been gained by General O'NEIL?"</p> + +<p><i>Echo.</i> O Nihil!</p> + +<hr> +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="05.jpg (175K)" src="images/05.jpg" height="889" width="582"> +</center> +<br><br> +<hr> + +<h3>~The Dominion of King Whiskey.~</h3> + +<p>The London <i>Illustrated News</i> calls the new Province of the Dominion, +Manetoda, instead of Manitobah. Perhaps the mistake originated from the +rumor of the Many Tods by which certain members of the Canadian Cabinet +are said to be habitually inspired.</p> + +<hr> + +<h3>~A Blue-grass Reflection.~</h3> + +<p>Hard, indeed, is the life of the poor trapper of the Plains. Driven by +stress of hunger, he is often obliged to eat rattle-snake; but, as he +cannot eat the head of the reptile, though the tail is good at a pinch, +he fails, you perceive, to make both ends ~Meat.~</p> + +<hr> + +<h3>~A Bright Idea.~</h3> + +<p>The Hon. JOHN BRIGHT is said to while away the time, in his retirement, +by knitting garters. It seems very strange that such a usurpation of +Woman's Rights should be carried into effect by one of the stoutest +advocates of them.</p> + +<hr> + +<h3>~The Green above the Red, at last.~</h3> + +<p>One of the narrators of the late Fenian fizzle on the Canadian border +describes General O'NEIL as having invaded the Dominion, "mounted on a +small Red horse."</p> + +<hr> + +<h2>~OUR PORTFOLIO.~</h2> + +<p>An exchange, after praising our recent Cartoon representing the +"Barnacles on American Commerce," moves to refer us to the House +Committee on Commerce and Manufactures. PUNCHINELLO never did love the +ways of the Washington Circumlocution Office, but if there is one thing +which he dislikes more than anything else, 'tis the idea of being +pigeonholed by the Committee on Commerce. The uses to which valuable +information is put by that august body of traffickers in public +credulity, are not for us. That we might penetrate their benighted minds +with many rays of knowledge is not to be doubted, but that we should be +snubbed in proportion to the value of our opinions is also equally +clear. There are some pretty dark places in this world: the Black Hole +of Calcutta; the <i>oubliette</i> of Chillon Castle, the Torture Chambers of +Nuremberg, and the grottoes of the Mammoth Cave, for instance; but there +is no such utter exclusion of light, such profound oblivion, such +blackness of darkness, as awaits anything which may be committed to the +dungeon of a Congressional Committee. Most decidedly, therefore, we +would rather not be referred.</p> + +<hr> + +<p>Learned men in Massachusetts are just now confronted with an alarming +possibility. They have been racking their brains to solve the problem +whether population is increasing there faster than the means of +subsistence, and with the expectation of discovering that it is, they +have reached a precisely opposite result. The awful announcement is put +forth, that the supply of babies is diminishing, and the question "What +shall we do to remedy it?" is asked. So persistently is this +interrogatory urged, that young unmarried men perambulating the streets +of Boston, or sauntering leisurely about the Common, are liable at any +moment to be accosted by advanced single ladies with wild, haggard +looks, who stop them face to face, seize them by the shoulders, and +gazing at them with keen, imploring glances, as if they would read their +souls through their eyes, seem to cry "And what have <i>you</i> got to say +about it, O wifeless youth? and why do <i>you</i> let the precious moments +fly when we are willing and ready to be sacrificed? and what are <i>we</i> +all coming to, and where are <i>you</i> all going to, and where will Boston +be if this thing goes on?" But these thoughtless and jeering bachelors +will not stop to hear the wail of their challengers; they feel no pity +for their despair; they have no stomach for their agony; but go their +ways, leaving the wretched females rooted, transfixed, the picture of +perfect hopelessness, and greeting them, ere they disappear from sight, +with shouts of scoffing laughter, which the winds catch up and carry +away out of earshot.</p> + +<hr> + +<p>~Something that most People would like a Little Longer.~</p> + +<p>Strawberry Short Cake.</p> + +<hr> +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="06.jpg (277K)" src="images/06.jpg" height="1006" width="713"> +</center> +<br><br> + +<hr> + +<h2>~CONDENSED CONGRESS.~</h2> + +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<img alt="07.jpg (72K)" src="images/07.jpg" height="596" width="372"> + + +</td><td> +<h4>SENATE.</h4> + +<p>In spite of the obstinate silence of SUMNER, the Senate has been lively. +Its first proceeding was to pass a bill—an interminable and long-drawn +bill—ostensibly to enforce the Fifteenth Amendment. But the title is a +little joke. As no single person can read this bill and live, and as no +person other than a member of the bar of Philadelphia could understand +it, if he survived the reading of it, PUNCHINELLO deemed it his duty to +have the bill read by relays of strong men. What, is the result? Six of +his most valued contributors sleep in the valley. But what are their +lives to the welfare of the universe, for which he exists. The bill +provides,</p> + +<p>1. That any person of a darker color than chrome yellow shall hereafter +be entitled to vote to any extent at any election, without reference to +age, sex, or previous condition, anything anywhere to the contrary +notwithstanding.</p> + +<p>2. That any person who says that any such person ought not to vote shall +be punishable by fine to the extent of his possessions, and shall be +anathema.</p> + + + + +<p>3. That any person who shall, with intent to prevent the voting of any +such person, strike such person upon the nose, eye, mouth, or other +feature, within one mile of any place of voting, within one week of any +day of voting, shall be punishable by fine to the extent of twice his +possessions, and shall be disentitled to vote forever after. Moreover he +shall be anathema.</p> +</td></tr> +</table> + + +<p>4. That any person who shall advise any other person to question the +right of any person of the hue hereinbefore specified to vote, or to do +any other act whatsoever, shall be punishable by fine to the extent of +three times his possessions, and shall be anathema.</p> + +<p>5. That all the fines collected under this act shall be expended upon +the endowment of "The Society for Securing the Pursuit of Happiness to +American Citizens of African Descent." And if any person shall call in +question the justice of such a disposition of such fines, he shall be +punishable by fine to the extent of four times his possessions, and +shall be anathema.</p> + +<p>Mr. WILSON objected to anathema. He said nobody in the Senate but SUMNER +knew what it meant. Besides, it was borrowed from the syllabus of a +degraded superstition. He moved to substitute the simple and +intelligible expression, "Hebedam."</p> + +<p>The Senate settled their little dispute about who was entitled to a +medal for coming first to the defence of the Capital. They decided to +give medals to everybody. Mr. CAMERON was satisfied. If the Senate only +medalled enough, that was all he asked. There were about five thousand +wavering voters in his district, whom he thought he could fix, if he +could give them a medal apiece.</p> + +<p>Mr. CONKLING said he would like to medal some men. But he did not like +such meddlesome men as CAMERON.</p> + +<p>Mr. DRAKE moved to deprive anybody in Missouri who differed from him in +politics of practicing any profession. He said that many of the citizens +of that State were incarnate demons—so much so that when they had an +important law case they would rather intrust it to somebody else than +himself. Was this right? He asked the Senate to protect him as a native +industry.</p> + +<h4>HOUSE.</h4> + +<p>Mr. INGERSOLL floated his powerful mind in air-line railroads. He wanted +"that air" line from Washington to New York. This 'ere line didn't suit +him. He appealed to the House to protect its members from the untold +horrors of passing through Philadelphia. He had no doubt that much of +the imbecility which he remarked in his colleagues, and possibly some of +the imbecility they had remarked in him, were due to this dreadful +ordeal. He admitted that good juleps were to be had at he Mint. But +juleps had beguiled even SAMSON, and cut his hair off. His colleague, +LOGAN, might not be as strong as SAMSON, but he would be as entirely +useless and unimpressive an object with his hair off.</p> + +<p>Then there was a debate upon the proposition to abolish the mission to +Rome.</p> + +<p>Mr. BROOKS said most of his constituents were Roman Catholics. Therefore +there should be a mission to Rome.</p> + +<p>Mr. DAWES said that BROOKS used to be a Know-Nothing. Therefore there +should not be a mission to Rome.</p> + +<p>Mr. COX said that they used to burn witches in Massachusetts. Therefore +there should be a mission to Rome.</p> + +<p>Mr. HOAR said they didn't. Therefore there should not be a mission to +Rome.</p> + +<p>Mr. VOORHEES said they burnt a Roman Catholic Asylum in Boston. +Therefore there should be a mission to Rome.</p> + +<p>Mr. DAWES said they burnt a Negro Asylum in New York. Therefore there +should not be a mission to Rome.</p> + +<p>Mr. VOORHEES said DAWES was another. Therefore there should be a mission +to Rome.</p> + +<p>Mr. BINGHAM said POWELL was a much better painter than TITIAN, and +VINNIE REAM a much better sculptor than MICHAEL ANGELO. Therefore there +should not be a mission to Rome.</p> + +<p><i>Republican Chorus.</i> You are.</p> + +<p><i>Democratic Chorus.</i> We ain't.</p> + +<p><i>Republican Chorus.</i> You did.</p> + +<p><i>Democratic Chorus.</i> We didn't.</p> + +<p><i>Solo by the Speaker.</i> Order.</p> + +<p><i>Democratic Chorus.</i> There should be (<i>da capo</i> with gavel +accompaniment.)</p> + +<p><i>Republican Chorus.</i> There should not be (ditto, ditto.) After weighing +these arguments, the House adjourned without doing anything about it.</p> + +<hr> + +<h2>~A BAD "ODOR" IN THE WEST.~</h2> + +<p>"The Coroner's Jury investigating the Missouri Pacific Railroad +slaughter have found that it was all caused by the disobedience and +negligence of WILLIAM ODOR, conductor of the extra freight +train!"—Daily Paper.</p> + +<p>This "conductor" is as dangerous as some (of the "lightning" species) +which we have seen dangling disjointed from the roofs and walls of +dwelling-houses in the country. At the first shock, good-bye to you! if +you are anywhere around. Or, rather, he may be compared to the miasma +from ditches and stagnant ponds, inhaled at all times by our rustic +fellow citizens, with the trustfulness (if not relish) of the most +extreme simplicity. And yet, it kills them, all the same. No one out +West would have cared a pin about WILLIAM'S "disobedience" and +"negligence," if these trifling eccentricities hadn't occasioned the +killing or maiming of several car-loads of passengers. It is hard to +shock these Western folks' sense of honor and fidelity; but kill a few +of them, and the rest begin to feel it. We suppose that just now this +BILL can't pass there. But, our word for it, he'll soon be in +circulation again. Perhaps he may yet have the pleasure of Conducting +some of <i>us</i> to that Station from which, etc., etc. Before we take our +contemplated trip to the West, therefore, we fervently desire to have +this ODOR neutralised, even though one should do it with strychnine.</p> + +<hr> + +<h2>~INFORMATION WANTED.~</h2> + +<p>The correspondent of a Boston paper writes as follows, after having +visited the <i>Reichstag</i>:</p> + +<p>"You may be sure that that man is BISMARCK; if from time to time he +irons out his face wearily with his hands, as he studies a long +document, or if by chance some unlucky member, attracting his disdain, +calls his mind to the fact that he is in Parliament, then he starts to +his feet like a war-horse, and talks with great grace and ease, always +rapidly, always briefly."</p> + +<p>Why is it that BISMARCK irons out his face? Is it because he has just +washed it—or is it to conceal his identity, as the features of the Man +in the Mask were ironed out?</p> + +<p>And why does the great Minister start to his feet like a war-horse? +PUNCHINELLO, not having been an Alderman or Member of Congress, +recently, is not very familiar with the getting up of war horses; but +the ordinary equine animal does not assume the upright posture with +great readiness or grace. If PUNCHINELLO were to become a member of the +<i>Reichstag,</i> an event now highly probable, he would like to have every +adversary in debate "start to his feet like a war-horse."</p> + +<hr> +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="08.jpg (207K)" src="images/08.jpg" height="695" width="734"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<h2> +~THE ROMAUNT OF THE OYSTER.~</h2> + +<p> In the moonlight at Cattawampus<br> + We sat by the surging sea,<br> + "And O how I long for an oyster,"<br> + Said FELICIA FITZ-SNYDER to me.</p> +<br> +<p> Then I said, "Would were mine the power,<br> + Deep, deep, to the deepmost sea<br> + I would fly on the wings of an oyster<br> + To gather a pearl for thee.</p> +<br> +<p> "Where the oysters are roystering together<br> + In the caves and the grots where they lie,<br> + And the clams with a musical clamor<br> + Rejoice when the water is high,"</p> +<br> +<p> "O, there would my spirit conduct thee.<br> + Till, as waves began to swell,<br> + Thou shoulds't rise o'er the crest of the billows,<br> + Like a VENUS upon the half-shell!"</p> +<br> +<p> 'Twas enough: for I saw her eye stir,<br> + And ope like an oyster wide,<br> + As in accents hysteric she whispered,<br> + "No, FELIX—I'd like 'em fried!"</p> +<br> +<p> Did she take me, alas! for a friar,<br> + Or a man of a soul austere,<br> + That pearl of my heart's Chincoteague?<br> + Oh, no, she had nothing to fear.</p> +<br> +<p> Then we reached the hotel together<br> + And partook of two plates of fry,<br> + And I marvelled to think than an oyster<br> + Had hoisted her spirits so high.</p> + + </td></tr> +</table> +</center> + +<hr> + +<h2>~FOREIGN CORRESPONDENCE.~</h2> + +<h4>(By Atlantic Cable.)</h4> + +<p>Leaving Rome, I have called next on NAPOLEON, at Paris. He sent word, +through OLLIVIER, that be wanted to see me. He looks <i>old.</i> Some medical +man has put forth the idea that he has BRIGHT'S disease. An English +<i>attache</i> just asked me whether that has any reference to JOHN BRIGHT. +As the latter is a Quaker, the first symptom of this disease must have +been shown long ago, when the Emperor said, "The Empire is Peace." I +satisfied my friend, however, that the case was not one of that Kidney.</p> + +<p>Well, the Emperor asked me, "What do they say of me in America?"</p> + +<p>"Sire, we think you are very wise, to accept the inevitable, and make a +virtue of it."</p> + +<p>"Wise, of course. Disinterested, too!"</p> + +<p>"<i>Pardonnez moi.</i> Not ever <i>wise, of course.</i> Mexico was a folly, you +know."</p> + +<p>"I know; though if you were not PUNCHINELLO, you should not say it. Will +my son reign in France?"</p> + +<p>"Sire, I am not an oracle. But they have a proverb in my country, that +it never rains but it pours."</p> + +<p>"<i>Je n'entends pas.</i> The <i>plebiscite</i> was rather a neat thing!"</p> + +<p>"Worthy of its author. The old story; heads I win, tails you lose. But, +will your Majesty say what you think of the Pope?"</p> + +<p>"That old Popinjay! He has been my folly, greater than Mexico. He would +have gone to Gaeta, or to perdition, long ago, but for <i>Madame!</i>"</p> + +<p>"And the Council?"</p> + +<p>"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"</p> + +<p>"What do you think of BISMARCK?"</p> + +<p>"Monsieur, I detain you too long. You have, I am sure, an engagement. +<i>Bon jour!</i>"</p> + +<p><i>Apropos</i> of the Emperor, it is said that, on the suggestion of +England's proposal to take charge of Greece, and clean out the brigands, +if the King and ministers there would resign,—Col. FISK telegraphed on +to NAPOLEON, offering to take charge of the government of France, as a +recreation, among his various engagements. He does not even require the +Emperor to withdraw; be can run the machine about as well with him as +without him.</p> + +<p>As to the <i>Plebisculum,</i> they say that EUGENIE asked for masses to be +said in all the churches for its success. NAPOLEON preferred to make his +appeal to the <i>masses outside</i> of the churches.</p> + +<p>ITALY.</p> + +<p>Bishop VERELLI last week declared, in a sermon, that railroads, +telegraphs, and the press, were all inventions of the devil. A +correspondent of the Tribune at once sent him word that this was a +mistake. HORACE GREELEY had already proved that railroads and telegraphs +were inventions of British Free Trade; and that the press had been +invented by his grandfather, for the promulgation of protection.</p> + +<p>Since the telegram came through Florence, of a serious riot at +Filadelfia, in Italy, a tourist from Penn's city of brotherly love +understood it to be that Col. TOM FLORENCE was seriously hurt in a riot +at Philadelphia! I telegraphed for him, to my old friend the Colonel, +and learned, with satisfaction, that not a hair of TOM'S head had been +shortened.</p> + +<p>ENGLAND.</p> + +<p>In Parliament, an interesting debate occurred the other night. Mr. +DAWSON moved a resolution condemning the raising of large revenue in +India from opium. Mr. WINGFIELD opposed the resolution, arguing that +opium was less hurtful than alcohol. Mr. TITMOUSE, a young member, added +that arsenic is less hurtful than strychnine; also, that this is less +injurious than prussic acid. Mr. GLADSTONE did not see what that had to +do with the case. Neither did I.</p> + +<p>Mr. DENNISON hoped that mere sentiment would not be suffered to +interfere with the prosperity of India. Mr. TITMOUSE then suggested the +sending of the volunteer Rifles to take immediate possession of China; +that would not be sentimental, but practical. Mr. HENLEY believed that +to be a more costly affair than he was prepared for; but, whenever the +interest of England required it, he was ready. What are the lives of a +hundred million Chinese to the financial prosperity of England? Mr. +GLADSTONE considered that opium was merely a drug, after all. It was not +worth while to consume the time of the House about it. And so the +resolution was lost.</p> + +<p>PRIME.</p> + +<hr> + +<h3>~A Mathematical Problem.~</h3> + +<p>If one United States Marshal can capture a Fenian General surrounded by +his army, in five minutes, how long would it take him to capture the +army?</p> + +<hr> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<img alt="09.jpg (83K)" src="images/09.jpg" height="603" width="408"> + +</td><td> +<h2>THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.</h2> + +<p>Kant is admitted to be one of the greatest of the German philosophers. +(That fact has nothing whatever to do with the Plays and Shows, but the +artist insisting upon making K the initial letter of this column, the +writer was obliged to begin with Kant—Kelley being hopelessly +associated in the public mind with pig-iron, and all other metaphorical +quays from which he might have launched his weekly bark being +unreasonably spelled with a Q.)</p> + +<p>German philosophy, however, resembles Italian Opera in one particular: +it consists more of sound than of sense. Both have a like effect upon +the undersigned, in that they lead him into the paths of innocence and +peace; in short, they put him to sleep. A few nights since he went to +hear Miss KELLOGG in <i>Poliuto</i>. He listened with attention through the +first act, drowsily through the second, and from the shades of dreamland +in the third. Between the acts he lounged in the lobbies and heard the +critics speak with sneering derision of the complimentary notices of the +American Nightingale which they were about to write, while they +expressed, with sardonic smiles, a longing for the day when they would +be "allowed"—such was their singular expression—to "speak the truth +about Miss KELLOGG as a prima donna." And while he sat with closed eyes +during the third act, wondering whether he should believe the critics in +the flesh, or their criticisms in the columns of their respective +journals, he saw rehearsed before him a new operatic perversion of +MACBETH, as unlike the original as even VERDI'S MACBETTO, and quite as +inexplicable to the unsophisticated mind. And this is what he saw:</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> + +<p><i>Scene, the Dark Cave in fourteenth street. In the middle a Cauldron +boiling. Thunder—and probably small beer—behind the scenes. Enter +three Witches.</i></p> + +<p><i>1st Witch</i>. Thrice the Thomas cat hath yowled.</p> + +<p><i>2d Witch</i>. Thrice; and once the hedge-hog howled.</p> + +<p><i>3d Witch</i>. All of which is wholly irrelevant to our present purpose, +which is to summon what my friend Sir BULWER LYTTON would call the +Scin-Laeca, or, apparition of each living critic from the nasty deep of +the cauldron, and to interview him in order to hear what he really +thinks of Miss KELLOGG.</p> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<p><i>lst Witch</i><br> + "Round about the cauldron go,<br> + In the poisoned whiskey throw<br> + Lager, that on coldest stone,<br> + Days and nights hast thirty one."</p></td></tr> +</table></center> + +<p><i>Enter</i> MACSTRAKOSCH. "How now, you secret black and midnight hags, what +is't you do?"</p> + +<p><i>All</i> "A deed that under present circumstances it would be superfluous +to name."</p> + +<p><i>MacStrakosch</i>. "I conjure you by that which you profess, (how'er you +come to know it,) answer me to what I ask you."</p> + +<p><i>lst Witch</i>. "Speak."</p> + +<p><i>2d Witch</i>. "Proceed."</p> + +<p><i>3d Witch</i>. "Out with it, old boy."</p> + +<p><i>MacStrakosch</i>. "What do these fellows really think, whom we compel to +write so sweetly of our own Connecticut <i>prima donna</i>?"</p> + +<p><i>All</i><br> + "Come high or low, come jack or even game,<br> + We'll answer all your questions just the same."</p> + +<p><i>Thunder. An apparition of a critic rises.</i></p> + +<p><i>MacStrakosch</i>.</p> + +<p>"Tell me, thou unknown power, what thinkest thou Of our own native +nightingale?"</p> +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> +<p><i>Apparition</i>.</p> + +<p> "Her voice is clear and bright, but far too thin<br> + For a great singer.—Such in truth she's not.<br> + Dismiss me!" (<i>Descends</i>.)</p> +<br> +<p><i>MacStrakosch</i>.</p> +<br> +<p> "Dismissed thou shalt be if thy editor<br> + Will listen to our singer's and MAECENAS' plaint.<br> + But one word more."</p> +<br> +<p><i>Thunder. Second apparition of a critic rises.</i></p> +<br> +<p><i>Apparition</i>.</p> +<br> +<p> "Her voice is good in quality, but then<br> + There's not sufficient of it for a queen<br> + Of the lyric stage. Yet such she claims to be,<br> + But is not. Now dismiss me." (<i>Descends</i>.)</p> +<br> +<p><i>MacStrakosch</i>.</p> +<br> +<p> "Yea; and I will unless thy master's ear<br> + Be deaf to the demand of good society.<br> + Let me hear more!"</p> +<br> +<p><i>Thunder. Third apparition of a critic rises.</i></p> +<br> +<p><i>Apparition</i>.</p> +<br> +<p> "Her lower notes are bad, her upper notes<br> + Forced, reedy, and most sadly often flat;<br> + 'Tis folly to compare her with the great<br> + Full-voiced and plenteous Parepa. Now<br> + Dismiss me if thou wilt."</p> +<br> +<p><i>MacStrakosch</i>.</p> +<br> +<p> "Sacrilegious wretch! I have thy name<br> + Upon my tablets. Thy official head<br> + Comes off at once. Call up, ye midnight hags,<br> + Another of these villains."</p> +<br> +<p><i>Thunder. Fourth apparition of a critic rises.</i></p> +<br> +<p><i>Apparition</i>.</p> +<br> +<p> "Her acting, like her voice, is cold and hard;<br> + Not thus did GRISI, GAZZANIGA or<br> + CORTESI act when their warm Southern blood<br> + Throbbed in the passionate pulse of VIOLETTA,<br> + NORMA, or the Spanish LEONORE.<br> + Dismiss me, quick."</p> +<br> +<p><i>MacStralosch</i>.</p> +<br> +<p> "Thon diest ere to-morrow's sun shall set,<br> + Or never more advertisement of mine<br> + Shall grace the columns of thy journal. Next."</p> +<br> +<p><i>Thunder. Fifth apparition of a critic rises.</i></p> +<br> +<p><i>Apparition</i>.</p> +<br> +<p> "She in the same in everything she sings;<br> + Her 'Gilda,' her 'Amina,' or her 'Marguerite,'<br> + Her 'Leonora,' or her 'Daughter of<br> + The Regiment,' are one and all the same<br> + Fair lady decked in different stage costumes.<br> + Better dismiss me, now. I've told the truth,<br> + And may continue that unseemly practice."</p> +<br> +<p><i>MacStrakosch</i>.</p> +<br> +<p> "This is past bearing. Are there any more<br> + Of these rude fellows waiting to be summoned?"</p> + + </td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + +<p><i>Thunder. Eight apparitions of critics rise and pass over the stage, +reciting the following chorus:</i></p> + +<p><i>Apparitions</i>.</p> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> +<p> "She has a pretty little voice, and uses it<br> + In pretty little ways. If she would sing<br> + In pretty little theatres she'd make a hit<br> + In pretty little parts. That's everything<br> + That can be said for her. Cease then to claim<br> + That "KELLOGG" should be writ next GRISI'S name."</p> +</td></tr> +</table> + </center> + +<p><i>The apparitions vanish. An alarm of drums is heard, and</i> MATADOR +<i>awakes to find that he is still enduring Poliuto, and that a sporadic +drum in the orchestra, which has broken loose from the weak restraints +of the conductor's discipline, is making Verdi unnecessarily hideous.</i></p> + +<p>And as he passed once more and finally through the lobby, he heard a +critic remark, "She is the same in everything she sings;" and another +reply, "Yes, she has a pretty little voice, and uses it nicely, but she +is by no means a great singer." Struck by the similarity of these +remarks to those made by the apparitions in his vision, he began to +doubt whether his dream did not, after all, contain a large alloy of +truth, and the more he thought on the subject the more he was led to +believe that for once he had really heard the critics of the New York +press indulging in an unrestrained expression of honest opinion.</p> + +<p>MATADOR</p> + +<hr> + +<h3>~Bingham on Rome.~</h3> + +<p>"Talk to me at this time of day about Borne being the Mother of Arts!" +cries Mr. BUNCOMBE BINGHAM, M.C. PUNCHINELLO fervently hopes that at no +time of the day will anybody ever talk to BINGHAM about Borne being the +Mother of Arts. The reason therefor is obvious. "Why, sir," says +BINGHAM, "there is more of that genius which makes even the marble itself +wear the divine beauty of life, more of that power to-day in living +America, than was ever dreamed of in Rome, living or dead!" We think we +hear BINGHAM exclaim, with the gladiator-like championship of Art for +which he is renowned—"Bring on your MICHAEL ANGELOS; produce your +CHIAROSCUROS, your MASANIELLOS, your SAVONAROLAS and the rest of +'em—but show me a match for VINNIE REAM!"</p> + +<hr> +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="10.jpg (113K)" src="images/10.jpg" height="735" width="559"> +</center> +<br><br> + +<p>Jenkins (<i>Chaffing glazier, who is mending basement window</i>.) "NOW, MY +FRIEND, TRY TO GET OUT THAT WAY. YOU KNOW YOU MUST HAVE BEEN PUT IN FOR +<i>something</i>, AND YOU'LL ONLY AGGRAVATE MATTERS IF YOU TRY TO BREAK +JAIL."]</p> + +<hr> + +<h3>~Chinopathy.~</h3> + +<p>Did the gentleman who threw a brick at a dog on a very hot day (when no +doubt that inoffensive animal was in a stew) imagine that he had hit +upon the whole of the common Chinese <i>materia medica?</i> PUNCHINELLO is +gravely told that a Celestial doctor is about to come to New York, whose +favorite prescriptions, in accordance with Chinese practice, "will be +baked clay-dust, similar to brick-dust and dog-soup." In one of these +remedies the medical acumen of PUNCHINELLO recognizes a homoeopathic +principle. Man having been made out of the dust of the earth, nothing is +so well adapted to cure him as baked clay. Every man's house is now not +only his castle, but his apothecary shop. A brick may be considered a +panacea, and may be carried in the hat. Taken internally, it will go to +the building up of the system. Applied to the head it is good for +fractures. Dog-soup has an evident advantage over the usual +prescriptions of Bark.</p> + +<hr> + +<h3>~Greek Meeting Greek.~</h3> + +<p>We learn that "a naval architect named DUNKIN claims to have constructed +a new style of vessel, impervious to rams, shell, or shot." Now, then, +where is our friend, Captain ERICSSON? The Captain has a torpedo which +he is anxious to explode, near a strong vessel belonging to somebody +else. He says it will blow up anything. DUNIN says nothing can blow up +his vessel. A contest between these very positive inventors would be a +positive luxury—to those who had nothing to risk. We bet on the +torpedo.</p> + +<hr> + +<h3>~The "New Muscle".~</h3> + +<p>It was a mere joke, that stuff about the "new muscle in the human body," +said to have been found by an English anatomist. It simply meant that, +the Oyster Months being past, the "human body" begins to be nourished +with soft-shell clams.</p> + +<hr> + +<h2>~GRAVESTONES FOR SALE.~</h2> + +<h4>Bargains in Immortality</h4> + +<p>The undersigned offers for sale to the highest bidder, up to Doomsday +next, several choice lots of tombstones. Bidders will state price and +terms of payment, and accepted purchasers will remove the monuments from +their present localities, at their own risk. The lots are:</p> + +<p>1st. A gravestone of white marble. It is about 65 feet square at the +base, and is the frustrum of a pyramid, truncated at about 140 feet. It +is filled with a square hole, upon the sides of which are inscriptions +let into various colored marbles, and in the languages of the peoples +who inhabited a great country ages ago. The stone was designed to be put +over the remains of PRO PATRIA, a personage once celebrated for loyalty +and wisdom, but whose teachings are now well nigh forgotten, and whose +name even is fast being obliterated from the memories of radical +improvers of governments and republican institutions. This lot may be +seen south of the mouth of Goose Creek, in a district called Columbia.</p> + +<p>2d. A gravestone consisting of a square house of Illinois marble, with a +piece of a smoke-stack protruding from the roof. About one-third of the +estimated cost had been expended, when the persons who were to furnish +the means suddenly concluded that the Little Giant could sleep just as +well in a filthy unmarked hole in the ground, as under a pile of marble. +Besides, being dead, he couldn't get any more offices for his +constituents, so they found out they didn't care a cuss for him. Further +information about this stone can be obtained by applying to any citizen +of Chicago.</p> + +<p>3d. A monument which we haven't seen, and so can't describe. It is +supposed to be at Springfield, Illinois, and was intended for a person +once called a railsplitter—a man much homelier than the typical hedge +fence, but as good as homely. He was thought to be a second PRO PATRIA, +MOSES, or some such person, and was sworn by, by millions of people who +would now almost deny ever having heard of him. At the time he went out +everybody wanted to put up a gravestone immediately—almost before he +needed one. Now, everybody isn't altogether enough to provide one. For +further particulars about the Springfield stone, inquire of any red-hot +radical.</p> + +<p>There are some other lots, but we will not offer them until we see how +the present ones go off.</p> + +<p>GHOUL, <i>Undertaker.</i></p> + +<hr> + +<h2>~LATEST ABOUT "LO!"~</h2> + +<p>The Irrepressible Black having been repressed, here comes the +Irrepressible Red! HIAWATHA is cutting up a great variety of capers as +well as of unfortunate settlers. Should you ask us why this bloodshed, +Why this scalping and this burning, Why this conduct most disgraceful, +Why these crimes of the Piegans, Why this sending forth of soldiers, Why +the perils of the railway, known as and called the way Pacific, (which +it won't be if these actions are allowed to go unpunished,) We should +tell you—whiskey! to say nothing of the indomitable propensity which +rises in the Piegan bosom for scalps. The noble Son of the Forest is an +amateur in scalps; as some of us are all for old books and others for +old coins. But however much we may respect the enthusiasm of the wild +Rover of the Plains, in making these collections of cranial curiosities, +we feel that the red virtuoso is really going too far—at least we +should feel so, we have no doubt, if he were taking off our own private +scalp, which is a very handsome one, and which we hope to be buried in. +No; the Piegan passion for scalps must be suppressed. But how? Some say +by more whiskey. Some say by less. Some say by none at all. We are for +the more instead of the less. There is whiskey and whiskey. Now our idea +would be to send an unlimited supply of the more deadly variety of that +exhilarating fluid, (highly camphened,) to the convivial Piegans. After +an extensive debauch upon this potent tipple, very few Piegans would be +likely to take the field, either this summer or any other. They would be +Dead Reds, every rascal of them.</p> + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="11.jpg (208K)" src="images/11.jpg" height="1120" width="760"> +</center> +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="12.jpg (216K)" src="images/12.jpg" height="1137" width="760"> +</center> +<br><br> + +<hr> + +<br><br> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 11, June 11, +1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, JUNE 11, 1870 *** + +***** This file should be named 9545-h.htm or 9545-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/9/5/4/9545/ + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra +Brown and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 11, June 11, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Posting Date: January 18, 2013 [EBook #9545] +Release Date: December, 2005 +First Posted: October 7, 2003 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, JUNE 11, 1870 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra +Brown and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + + + + + + + + + + +CONANT'S + +PATENT BINDERS + +FOR + +"PUNCHINELLO," + +to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent, post-paid, +on receipt of One Dollar, by + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +83 Nassau Street, New York City. + + * * * * * + +TO NEWS-DEALERS. + +PUNCHINELLO'S MONTHLY. + +The Weekly Numbers for May, + +Bound in a Handsome Cover, + +Is Now Ready. Price, Fifty Cents. + +THE TRADE + +Supplied by the + +AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, + +Who are now prepared to receive Orders. + + * * * * * + +HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S + +STEEL PENS. + +These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper than any other +Pen in the market. Special attention is called to the following grades, as +being better suited for business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The + +"5O5," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," + +we recommend for Bank and Office use. + +D. APPLETON & CO., + +Sole Agents for United States. + + * * * * * + +[Sidenote: See 15th page for Extra Premiums.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Vol. I No. 11.] + +PUNCHINELLO + +SATURDAY, JUNE 11, 1870. + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, + +By ORPHEUS C. KERR, + +In this Number and will be continued Weekly + + * * * * * + +APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN + +"PUNCHINELLO" + +SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO + +J. NICKERSON, + +ROOM No. 4, + +No. 83 Nassau Street + + * * * * * + +DIBBLEEANIA, + +and + +Japonica Juice + +FOR THE HAIR. + +The most effective Soothing and Stimulating Compounds +ever offered to the public for the + +Removal of Scarf, Dandruff, &c. + +For consultation, apply at + +WILLIAM DIBBLEE'S, + +Ladies' Hair Dresser and Wig Maker. + +854 BROADWAY, N. Y. City. + + * * * * * + +FURNITURE + +E. W. HUTCHINGS & SON, + +Manufacturers of + +Rich and Plain Furniture + +AND DECORATIONS. + +Nos. 99 and 101 Fourth Avenue, + +Formerly 475 Broadway, + +(Near A. T. Stewart & Co.'s.) NEW YORK + +Where a general assortment can be had at moderate prices. + +_Wood Mantels, Pier and Mantel Frames and Wainscoting +made to order from designs_ + + * * * * * + +PHELAN & COLLENDER, + +MANUFACTURERS OF + +STANDARD AMERICAN BILLIARD TABLES, + +WAREROOMS AND OFFICE, + +738 BROADWAY, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +NEW YORK CITIZEN + +and + +ROUND TABLE, + +A Literary, Political, and Sporting paper + +with the beat writers in each department. Published every +Saturday. + +PRICE, TEN CENTS. + +32 Beekman Street + + * * * * * + +WEVILL & HAMMAR, + +Wood Engravers + +208 BROADWAY + +NEW YORK + + * * * * * + +Thomas J. Rayner & Co., + +29 Liberty Street, New York, + +MANUFACTURERS OF THE + +FINEST CIGARS + +_Made in the United States._ + +All sizes and styles. Prices very moderate. Samples sent +to any responsible house. Also importers of the + +"FUSBOS" BRAND, + +Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and, +from ten to twenty per cent cheaper. + +_Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money +by calling at_ + +No. 29 LIBERTY STREET. + + * * * * * + +ERIE RAILWAY. + +TRAINS LEAVE DEPOTS + +Foot of Chambers Street + +and + +Foot of Twenty-Third Street, + +AS FOLLOWS: + +Through Express Trains leave Chambers Street at 8 A.M., 10 A.M., 5:30 P.M., +and 7:00 P.M., (daily); leave 23d Street at 7:45 A.M., 9:45 A.M., and 5:15 +and 6:45 P.M. (daily.) New and improved Drawing-Room Coaches will accompany +the 10:00 A.M. train through to Buffalo, connecting at Hornellsville with +magnificent Sleeping Coaches running through to Cleveland and Galion. +Sleeping Coaches will accompany the 8:00 A.M. train from Susquehanna to +Buffalo, the 5:30 P.M. train from New York to Buffalo, and the 7:00 P.M. +train from New York to Rochester, Buffalo and Cincinnati. An Emigrant train +leaves daily at 7:30 P.M. + +FOR PORT JERVIS AND WAY, *11:30 A.M., and 4:30 P.M., (Twenty-third Street, +*11:15 A.M. and 4:15 P.M.) + +FOR MIDDLETOWN AND WAY, at 3:30 P.M.,(Twenty-third Street, 3:15 P.M.); and, +Sundays only, 8:30 A.M. (Twenty-third Street, 8:15 P.M.) + +FOR GREYCOURT AND WAY, at *8:30 A.M., (Twenty-third Street, 8:15 A.M.) + +FOR NEWBURGH AND WAY, at 8:00 A.M., 3:30 and 4:30 P.M. (Twenty-third Street +7:45 A.M., 3:15 and 4:15 P.M.) + +FOR SUFFERN AND WAY, 5:00 P.M. and 6:00 P.M. (Twenty-third Street, 4:45 and +5:45 P.M.) Theatre Train, *ll:30 P.M. (Twenty-third Street, *11 P.M.) + +FOR PATERSON AND WAY, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at 6:45, 10:15 and +11:45 A.M.; *1:45 3:45, 5:15 and 6:45 P.M. From Chambers Street Depot at +6:45, 10:l5 A.M.; 12 M.; *1:45, 4:00, 5:15 and 6:45 P.M. + +FOR HACKENSACK AND HILLSDALE, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at 8:45 and +11:45 A.M.; $7:15 3:45, $5:15, 5:45, and $6:45 P.M. From Chambers Street +Depot, at 9:00 A.M.; 12:00 M.; $2:l5, 4:00 $5:l5, 6:00, and $6:45 P.M. + +FOR PIERMONT, MONSEY AND WAY, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at +8:45 A.M.; 12:45, {3:l5 4:15, 4:46 and {6:15 P.M., and, Saturdays only, +{12 midnight. From Chambers Street Depot, at 9:00 A.M.; 1:00, {3:30, +4:15, 5:00 and {6:30 P.M. Saturdays, only, {12:00 midnight. + +Tickets for passage and for apartments in Drawing-Room and Sleeping Coaches +can be obtained, and orders for the Checking and Transfer of Baggage may +be left at the + +COMPANY'S OFFICES: + +241, 529, and 957 Broadway. +205 Chambers Street. +Cor. 125th Street & Third Ave., Harlem. +338 Fulton Street, Brooklyn. +Depots, foot of Chambers Street and foot +of Twenty-third Street, New York. +3 Exchange Place. +Long Dock Depot, Jersey City, +And of the Agents at the principal Hotels + +WM. R. BARR, +_General Passenger Agent._ + +L. D. RUCKER, +_General Superintendent._ + +Daily. $For Hackensack only, {For Piermont only. + +May 2D, 1870. + + * * * * * + +MERCANTILE LIBRARY + +Clinton Hall, Astor Place, + +NEW YORK. + +This is now the largest Circulating Library in America, the number of +volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 volumes are added each +month; and very large purchases are made of all new and popular works. +Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each delivery. + +TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP: + +TO CLERKS, $1 INITIATION, $3 ANNUAL DUES. +TO OTHERS, $5 A YEAR. + +Subscriptions Taken for Six Months. + +BRANCH OFFICES + +at + +No. 76 Cedar St., New York, + +and at + +Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth. + + * * * * * + +AMERICAN + +BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, + +AND + +SEWING-MACHINE CO., + +572 and 574 Broadway, New-York. + + +This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on +all the former machines, making, in addition to all work done on best +Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful + +BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES, + +in all fabrics. + +Machine, with finely finished + +OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER + +complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts,$50. This last +is beyond all question the simplest, easiest to manage and to keep in +order, of any machine in the market. Machines warranted, and full +instruction given to purchasers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HENRY SPEAR. PRINTER-LITHOGRAPHER STATIONER +BLANK BOOK MANUFACTURER. 82 WALL ST. NEW YORK.] + + * * * * * + +J. NICKINSON + +begs to announce to the friends of + +"PUNCHINELLO" + +residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has +Made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of + +ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED. + +the same will be forwarded, postage paid. + +Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing Houses +can have the same forwarded by inclosing two stamps. + +OFFICE OF + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. + +83 Nassau Street, + +[P.O. Box 2783.] + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + +[The American Press's Young Gentlemen, when taking their shady literary +walks among the Columns of Interesting Matter, have been known to +remark--with a glibness and grace, by Jove, greatly in excess of their +salaries--that the reason why we don't produce great works of +imagination in this country, as they do in other countries, is because +we haven't the genius, you know. They think--do they?--that the +bran-new localities, post-office addresses, and official titles, +characteristic of the United States of America, are rife with all the +grand old traditional suggestions so useful in helping along the +romantic interest of fiction. They think--do they?--that if an American +writer could write a Novel in the exact style of COLLINS, or TROLLOPE, +or DICKENS: only laying its scenes and having its characters in this +country; the work would be as romantically effective as one by COLLINS, +or TROLLOPE, or DICKENS; and that the possibly necessary incidental +mention of such native places as Schermerhorn Street, Dobb's Ferry, or +Chicago, _wouldn't_ disturb the nicest dramatic illusion of the +imaginative tale. Very well, then! All right! Just look here!--O A.P's +Young Gentlemen, just look here--] + + + + +CHAPTER I. + + +DAWNATION. + + +A modern American Ritualistic Spire! How can the modern American +Ritualistic Spire be here! The well-known tapering brown Spire, like a +closed umbrella on end? How can that be here? There is no rusty rim of a +shocking bad hat between the eye and that Spire in the real prospect. +What is the rusty rim that now intervenes, and confuses the vision of at +least one eye? It must be an intoxicated hat that wants to see, too. It +is so, for ritualistic choirs strike up, acolytes swing censers +dispensing the heavy odor of punch, and the ritualistic rector and his +gaudily robed assistants in alb, chasuble, maniple and tunicle, intone a +_Nux Vomica_ in gorgeous procession. Then come twenty young clergymen in +stoles and birettas, running after twenty marriageable young ladies of +the congregation who have sent them worked slippers. Then follow ten +thousand black monkies swarming all over everybody and up and down +everything, chattering like fiends. Still the Ritualistic Spire keeps +turning up in impossible places, and still the intervening rusty rim of +a hat inexplicably clouds one eye. There dawns a sensation as of +writhing grim figures of snakes in one's boots, and the intervening +rusty rim of the hat that was not in the original prospect takes a +snake-like--But stay! Is this the rim of my own hat tumbled all awry? I' +mushbe! A few reflective moments, not unrelieved by hiccups, mush be +d'voted to co'shider-ERATION of th' posh'bil'ty. + +Nodding excessively to himself with unspeakable gravity, the gentleman +whose diluted mind has thus played the Dickens with him, slowly arises +to an upright position by a series of complicated manoeuvres with both +hands and feet; and, having carefully balanced himself on one leg, and +shaking his aggressive old hat still farther down over his left eye, +proceeds to take a cloudy view of his surroundings. He is in a room +going on one side to a bar, and on the other side to a pair of glass +doors and a window, through the broken panes of which various musty +cloth substitutes for glass ejaculate toward the outer Mulberry Street. +Tilted back in chairs against the wall, in various attitudes of +dislocation of the spine and compound fracture of the neck, are an +Alderman of the ward, an Assistant-Assessor, and the lady who keeps the +hotel. The first two are shapeless with a slumber defying every law of +comfortable anatomy; the last is dreamily attempting to light a stumpy +pipe with the wrong end of a match, and shedding tears, in the dim +morning ghastliness, at her repeated failures. + +"Thry another," says this woman, rather thickly, to the gentleman +balanced on one leg, who is gazing at her and winking very much. "Have +another, wid some bitters." + +He straightens himself extremely, to an imminent peril of falling over +backward, sways slightly to and fro, and becomes as severe in expression +of countenance as his one uncovered eye will allow. + +The woman falls back in her chair again asleep, and he, walking with one +shoulder depressed, and a species of sidewise, running gait, approaches +and poises himself over her. + +"What vision can _she_ have?" the man muses, with his hat now fully upon +the bridge of his nose. He smiles unexpectedly; as suddenly frowns with +great intensity; and involuntarily walks backward against the sleeping +Alderman. Him he abstractedly sits down upon, and then listens intently +for any casual remark he may make. But one word comes-- +"Wairzernat'chal'zationc'tif'kits." + +"Unintelligent!" mutters the man, weariedly; and, rising dejectedly from +the Alderman, lurches, with a crash, upon the Assistant-Assessor. Him he +shakes fiercely for being so bony to fall on, and then hearkens for a +suitable apology. + +"Warzwaz-yourwifesincome-lash'--lash'-year?" + +A thoughtful pause, partaking of a doze. + +"Unintelligent!" + +Complicatedly arising from the Assessor, with his hat now almost hanging +by an ear, the gentleman, after various futile but ingenious efforts to +face towards the door by turning his head alone that way, finally +succeeds by walking in a circle until the door is before him. Then, with +his whole countenance charged with almost scowling intensity of purpose, +though finding it difficult to keep his eyes very far open, he balances +himself with the utmost care, throws his shoulders back, steps out +daringly, and goes off at an acute slant toward the Alderman again. +Recovering himself by a tremendous effort of will and a few wild +backward movements, he steps out jauntily once more, and can not stop +himself until he has gone twice around a chair on his extreme left and +reached almost exactly the point from which he started the first time. +He pauses, panting, but with the scowl of determination still more +intense, and concentrated chiefly in his right eye. Very cautiously +extending his dexter hand, that he may not destroy the nicety of his +perpendicular balance, he points with a finger at the knob of the door, +and suffers his stronger eye to fasten firmly upon the same object. A +moment's balancing, to make sure, and then, in three irresistible, +rushing strides, he goes through the glass doors with a burst, without +stopping to turn the latch, strikes an ash-box on the edge of the +sidewalk, rebounds to a lamp-post, and then, with the irresistible rush +still on him, describes a hasty wavy line, marked by irregular +heel-strokes, up the street. + +That same afternoon, the modern American Ritualistic Spire rises in +duplicate illusion before the multiplying vision of a traveller recently +off the ferry-boat, who, as though not satisfied with the length of his +journey, makes frequent and unexpected trials of its width. The bells +are ringing for vesper service; and, having fairly made the right door +at last, after repeatedly shooting past and falling short of it, he +reaches his place in the choir and performs voluntaries and +involuntaries upon the organ, in a manner not distinguishable from +almost any fashionable church-music of the period. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + + +A DEAN, AND A CHAP OR TWO ALSO. + + +Whosoever has noticed a party of those sedate and Germanesquely +philosophical animals, the pigs, scrambling precipitately under a gate +from out a cabbage-patch toward nightfall, may, perhaps, have observed, +that, immediately upon emerging from the sacred vegetable preserve, a +couple of the more elderly and designing of them assumed a sudden air of +abstracted musing, and reduced their progress to a most dignified and +leisurely walk, as though to convince the human beholder that their +recent proximity to the cabbages had been but the trivial accident of a +meditative stroll. + +Similarly, service in the church being over, and divers persons of +piggish solemnity of aspect dispersing, two of the latter detach +themselves from the rest and try an easy lounge around toward a side +door of the building, as though willing to be taken by the outer world +for a couple of unimpeachable low-church gentlemen who merely happened +to be in that neighborhood at that hour for an airing. + +The day and year are waning, and the setting sun casts a ruddy but not +warming light upon two figures under the arch of the side door; while +one of these figures locks the door, the other, who seems to have a +music book under his arm, comes out, with a strange, screwy motion, as +though through an opening much too narrow for him, and, having poised a +moment to nervously pull some imaginary object from his right boot and +hurl it madly from him, goes unexpectedly off with the precipitancy and +equilibriously concentric manner of a gentleman in his first private +essay on a tight-rope. + +"Was that Mr. BUMSTEAD, SMYTHE?" + +"It wasn't anybody else, your Reverence." + +"Say 'his identity with the person mentioned scarcely comes within the +legitimate domain of doubt,' SMYTHE--to Father Dean, the younger of the +piggish persons softly interposes, + +"Is Mr. BUMSTEAD unwell, SMYTHE?" + +"He's got 'em bad to-night." + +"Say 'incipient cerebral effusion marks him especially for its prey at +this vesper hour.' SMYTHE--to Father DEAN," again softly interposes Mr. +SIMPSON, the Gospeler. + +"Mr. SIMPSON," pursues Father DEAN, whose name has been modified, by +various theological stages, from its original form of Paudean, to Pere +DEAN--Father DEAN, "I regret to hear that Mr. BUMSTEAD is so delicate in +health; you may stop at his boarding-house on your way home, and ask him +how he is, with my compliments." _Pax vobiscum_. + +Shining so with a sense of his own benignity that the retiring sun gives +up all rivalry at once and instantly sets in despair, Father DEAN +departs to his dinner, and Mr. SIMPSON, the Gospeler, betakes himself +cheerily to the second-floor-back where Mr. BUMSTEAD lives. Mr. BUMSTEAD +is a shady-looking man of about six and twenty, with black hair and +whiskers of the window-brush school, and a face reminding you of the +BOURBONS. As, although lighting his lamp, he has, abstractedly, almost +covered it with his hat, his room is but imperfectly illuminated, and +you can just detect the accordeon on the window-sill, and, above the +mantel, an unfinished sketch of a school-girl. (There is no artistic +merit in this picture; in which, indeed, a simple triangle on end +represents the waist, another and slightly larger triangle the skirts, +and straight-lines with rake-like terminations the arms and hands.) + +"Called to ask how you are, and offer Father DEAN'S compliments," says +the Gospeler. + +"I'm allright, shir!" says Mr. BUMSTEAD, rising from the rug where he +has been temporarily reposing, and dropping his umbrella. He speaks +almost with ferocity. + +"You are awaiting your nephew, EDWIN DROOD?" + +"Yeshir." As he answers, Mr. BUMSTEAD leans languidly far across the +table, and seems vaguely amazed at the aspect of the lamp with his hat +upon it. + +Mr. SIMPSON retires softly, stops to greet some one at the foot of the +stairs, and, in another moment, a young man fourteen years old enters +the room with his carpet-bag. + +"My dear boys! My dear EDWINS!" + +Thus speaking, Mr. BUMSTEAD sidles eagerly at the new comer, with open +arms, and, in falling upon his neck, does so too heavily, and bears him +with a crash to the ground. + +"Oh, see here! this is played out, you know," ejaculates the nephew, +almost suffocated with travelling-shawl and BUMSTEAD. + +Mr. BUMSTEAD rises from him slowly and with dignity. + +"Excuse me, dear EDWIN, I thought there were two of you." + +EDWIN DROOD regains his feet with alacrity and casts aside his shawl. + +"Whatever you thought, uncle, I am still a single man, although your way +of coming down on a chap was enough to make me beside myself. Any grub, +JACK?" + +With a check upon his enthusiasm and a sudden gloom of expression +amounting almost to a squint, Mr. BUMSTEAD motions with his whole right +side toward an adjacent room in which a table is spread, and leads the +way thither in a half-circle. + +"Ah, this is prime!" cries the young fellow, rubbing his hands; the +while he realizes that Mr. BUMSTEAD'S squint is an attempt to include +both himself and the picture over the mantel in the next room in one +incredibly complicated look. + +Not much is said during dinner, as the strength of the boarding-house +butter requires all the nephew's energies for single combat with it, and +the uncle is so absorbed in a dreamy effort to make a salad with his +hash and all the contents of the castor, that he can attend to nothing +else. At length the cloth is drawn, EDWIN produces some peanuts from his +pocket and passes some to Mr. BUMSTEAD, and the latter, with a wet towel +pinned about his head, drinks a great deal of water. + +"This is Sissy's birthday, you know, JACK," says the nephew, with a +squint through the door and around the corner of the adjoining apartment +toward the crude picture over the mantel, "and, if our respective +respected parents hadn't bound us by will to marry, I'd be mad after +her." + +Crack. On EDWIN DROOD'S part. + +Hic. On Mr. BUMSTEAD'S part. + +"Nobody's dictated a marriage for you, JACK. _You_ can choose for +yourself. Life for _you_ is still fraught with freedom's intoxicating--" + +Mr. BUMSTEAD has suddenly become very pale, and perspires heavily on the +forehead. + +"Good Heavens, JACK! I haven't hurt your feelings?" + +Mr. BUMSTEAD makes a feeble pass at him with the water-decanter, and +smiles in a very ghastly manner. + +"Lem me be a mis'able warning to you, EDWIN," says Mr. BUMSTEAD, +shedding tears. + +The scared face of the younger recalls him to himself, and he adds: +"Don't mind me, my dear boys. It's cloves; you may notice them on my +breath. I take them for nerv'shness." Here he rises in a series of +trembles to his feet, and balances, still very pale, on one leg. + +"You want cheering up," says EDWIN DROOD, kindly. + +"Yesh--cheering up. Let's go and walk in the graveyard," says Mr. +BUMSTEAD. + +"By all means. You won't mind my slipping out for half a minute to the +Alms House to leave a few gum-drops for Sissy? Rather spoony, JACK." + +Mr. BUMSTEAD almost loses his balance in an imprudent attempt to wink +archly, and says, "Norring-half-sh'-shweet-'n-life." He is very thick +with EDWIN DROOD, for he loves him. + +"Well, let's skedaddle, then." + +Mr. BUMSTEAD very carefully poises himself on both feet, puts on his hat +over the wet towel, gives a sudden horrified glance downward toward one +of his boots, and leaps frantically over an object. + +"Why, that was only my cane," says EDWIN. + +Mr. BUMSTEAD breathes hard, and leans heavily on his nephew as they go +out together. + +(_To be Continued._) + + + * * * * * + + +~JUMBLES~ + + +PUNCHINELLO has heard, of course, of the good time coming. It has not +come yet. It won't come till the stars sing together in the morning, +after going home, like festive young men, early. It won't come till +Chicago has got its growth in population, morals and ministers. It won't +come till the women are all angels, and men are all honest and wise; not +until politicians and retailers learn to tell the truth. You may think +the Millennium a long way off. Perhaps so. But mighty revolutions are +sometimes wrought in a mighty fast time. Many a fast man has been known +to turn over a new leaf in a single night, and forever afterwards be +slow. Such a thing is dreadful to contemplate, but it has been. Many a +vain woman has seen the folly of her ways at a glance, and at once gone +back on them. This is _not_ dreadful to contemplate, since to go back on +folly is to go onward in wisdom. The female sex is not often guilty of +this eccentricity, but instances have been known. It is that which fills +the proud bosom of man with hope and consolation, and makes him feel +really that woman is coming; which is all the more evident since she +began her "movement." The good time coming is nowhere definitely named +in the almanacs. The goings and comings of the heavenly bodies, from the +humble star to the huge planet, are calculated with the facility of the +cut of the newest fashion; and the revolutions of dynasties can be fixed +upon with tolerable certainty; but the period of the good time coming is +lost in the mists of doubt and the vapors of uncertainty. It is very +sure in expectancy, like the making of matrimonial matches. Everybody is +looking for it, but nobody sees it. The sharpest of eyes only discern +the bluest and gloomiest objects. But PUNCHINELLO may reasonably expect +to see, feel and know, this good time. The coming will yet be to it the +time come. Perhaps it will be when it visits two hundred thousand +readers weekly, when mothers sigh, children cry, and fathers well-nigh +die for it. At all events, somewhen or other--it may be the former +period, but possibly the latter--the good time _will_ come. And great +will be the coming thereof, with no discount to the biggest or richest +man out. + +What a luxury is Hope! It springs eternal in the human breast. Rather an +awkward place for a spring, but as poets know more than other people, no +doubt it is all right. Hope is an institution. What is the White House, +or the Capitol at Washington, to Hope? What is the Central Park, or +Boston Common, or the Big Organ, to Hope? Not much--not anything, like +the man's religion, to speak of. Hope bears up many a man, though it +pays no bills to the grocer, milliner, tailor, or market man. It is the +vertebra which steadies him plumb up to a positive perpendicular. A +hopeless man or woman--how fearful! They very soon become +round-shouldered, limp and weak, and drink little but unsizable sighs, +and feed on all manner of dark and unhealthy things. It is TODD'S +deliberate opinion that if a cent can't be laid up, Hope should. Hope +with empty pockets is rich compared to wealth with "nary a" hope. Hope +is a good thing to have about the house. It always comes handy, and is +acceptable even to company. So believes, and he acts on the faith, does + +TIMOTHY TODD. + + * * * * * + + +~Capitol Punishment.~ + + +Abolition of the franking privilege. + + * * * * * + +~SKETCH OF ORPHEUS C. KERR.~ + +[Illustration: RESIDENCE OF THE ADAPTER: BEGAD'S HILL, TICKNOR'S FIELDS, +NEW JERSEY.] + +It is now nearly a twelfth of a century since the veracious Historian of +the imperishable Mackerel Brigade first manoeuvred that incomparably +strategical military organization in public, and caused it to illustrate +the fine art of waging heroic war upon a life-insurance principle. +Equally renowned in arms for its feats and legs, and for being always on +hand when any peculiarly daring retrograde movement was on foot, this +limber martial body continually fell back upon victory throughout the +war, and has been coming forward with hand-organs ever since. Its +complete History, by the same gentleman who is now adapting the literary +struggles of MR. E. DROOD to American minds and matters, was +subsequently issued from the press of CARLETON, in more or less volumes, +and at once attracted profound attention from the author's creditors. +One great American journal said of it: "We find the paper upon which +this production is printed of a most amusing quality." Another observed: +"The binding of this tedious military work is the most humorous we ever +saw." A third added: "In typographical details, the volumes now under +consideration are facetious beyond compare." + +[Illustration: THE ADAPTER AS HE APPEARS EVERY SATURDAY.] + +The present residence of the successful Historian is Begad's Hill, New +Jersey, and, if not existing in SHAKSPEARE'S time, it certainly looks +old enough to have been built at about that period. Its architecture is +of the no-capital Corinthian order; there are mortgages both front and +back, and hot and cold water at the nearest hotel. From the central +front window, which belongs to the author's library, in which he keeps +his Patent Office Reports, there is a fine view of the top of the porch; +while from the rear casements you get a glimpse of blind-shutters which +won't open. It is reported of this fine old place, that the present +proprietor wished to own it even when a child; never dreaming the +mortgaged halls would yet be his without a hope of re-selling. + +Although fully thirty years of age, the owner of Begad's Hill Place +still writes with a pen; and, perhaps, with a finer thoughtfulness as to +not suffusing his fingers with ink than in his more youthful moments of +composition. He is sound and kind in both single and double harness; +would undoubtedly be good to the Pole if he could get there; and, +although living many miles from the city, walks into his breakfast every +morning in the year. Let us, however, + + "No longer seek his virtues to disclose, + Nor draw his frailties from their dread abode." + +but advise PUNCHINELLO'S readers to peruse the "Mystery of Mr. E. +DROOD," for further glimpses of Mr. ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + * * * * * + +~The Fall of Man at the Falls~. + +It is a very lamentable fact that the married people of Niagara have not +attained even the dignity and comfort of insanity. A paragraph informs +us that "The Niagara hotels have already forty-seven men trying to look +as if married for years, and who only succeed in resembling imbeciles." +To a Niagara tourist this must be an Eye-aggravating spectacle. But, +fortunately, none of this class of the Double-Blest will shoot anybody. +They don't look as if they had been married long! They are imbecile, not +insane! + + * * * * * + +~Green and Red~. + +The _Southern Cell_ proposes that the Fenians shall make a new Ireland +of Winnipeg. Except on the principle of Hibernating, PUNCHINELLO cannot +discover why his Irish fellow-citizens are ambitious to winter in the +Red River country. Wouldn't Greenland do as well, and wear better? + + * * * * * + +~TAKE CARE OF THE WOUNDED~ + +Though but one of the Fenian leaders was killed in the late Frontier +Fizzle, yet many of them are reported as being badly wounded--as to +their feelings. General O'NEIL'S feelings are dreadfully hurt by the +ignominy of a constable and a cell, which was a bad Cell for a Celt. The +feelings of General GLEASON (and they must be multitudinous, since he is +nearly seven feet high,) were so badly wounded by circumstances over +which he didn't seem to have any control, that he retired from the field +"in disgust." Mental afflictions, in fact, are so numerous among the +Fenians since their Fizzle, as to suggest the advisability of their +Head-Centre founding a Hospital for Wounded Feelings with the surplus of +the funds wrung by him from simple, hard-working BRIDGET. + + * * * * * + +~Interesting to Bathers~ + +Persons who are drowned while bathing in the surf are said to experience +but little pain. In fact, their Sufferings are short. + + * * * * * + +~Fenian Tactics~. + +The first movement of the Fenians on reaching Canadian soil was to +"throw out their skirmishers into a hop field," where the Hops gathered +by them were of the precipitate and retrogressive kind sometimes traced +to Spanish origin. + + * * * * * + +~THE HOLY GRAIL AND OTHER POEMS.~ + + +(This is one of the other Poems.) + + +BY A HALF-RED DENIZEN OF THE WEST. + + + SIR PELLEAS, lord of many a barren isle, + On his front stoop at eventide, awhile, + Sat solemn. His mother, on a stuel, + At the crannied hearth prepared his gruel. + + "Mother!" he cried, "I love!" Said she, "Ah, who?" + "I know not, mother dear," he said, "Do you? + I only know I love all maidens fair; + My special maid, I have not seen, I swear. + Perhaps she's fair as Arthur's queenly saint; + And pure as she--and then, perhaps she ain't." + + Turned then his mother from the hearth-stone hot; + Dropped the black lid upon the gruel-pot. + "I know'd a Qua-aker feller, as often as tow'd me this: + 'Doan't thou marry for munny, but goa wheer munny is!' + She's a beauty, thou thinks--wot'a a beauty? the flower as blaws, + But proputty, proputty sticks, and proputty, proputty graws." + + Then said her son, "If I may make so bold, + You quote the new-style poem, not the old. + The Northern Farmer whom you think so sage + Is not born yet. This is the Middle Age." + + He said no more, and on the next bright day + To Arthur's court he proudly rode away. + And on the way a maiden did he meet, + And laid his heart and fortunes at her feet. + Smiling on him--ETTARRE was her name-- + "Brave knight," she said, "your love I cannot blame. + Your hands are strong. I see you have no brains, + You're just the man for tournaments. Your pains, + In case for me a battle you shall win, + Shall be rewarded," and she smiled like sin. + + PELLEAS glistened with a wild delight; + And good King Arthur soon got up a fight + And on the flat field, by the shore of Usk, + SIR PELLEAS smashed the knights from dawn till dusk. + + Then from his spear--at least he thought he did-- + He shook each mangled corpse, and softly glid, + And crowned ETTARRE Queen of Love and Truth. + She wore the crown and then bescorned the youth. + Now to her castle home would she repair; + And PELLEAS craved that he might see her there. + "Oh, young man from the country!" then said she, + "Shoo fly! poor fool, and don't you bother me!" + She banged her gate behind her, crying "Sold!" + The noble youth was left out in the cold. + + He shoo-ed the fly from the flower-pots, + From blackest moss, he shoo-ed them all. + Shoo-ed them from rusted nails and knots, + That held the peach to the garden-wall; + + And broken sheds, all sad and strange. + He shoo-ed them from the clinking latch, + And from the weeded, ancient thatch, + Upon the lonely moated grange. + + He only said, "This thing is dreary. + She cometh not!" he said. + He said, "I am aweary, aweary, + I wish these flies were dead." + + So PELLEAS made his moan. And every day, + Or moist or dry, he shoo-ed the flies away. + "These be the ways of ladies," PELLEAS saith, + "To those who love them; trials of our faith." + + But ceaseless shoo-ing made the lady mad, + And she called out the best three knights she had, + And charged them, "Charge him! Drive him from the wall! + If he keeps on, we'll have no flies at all!" + And out they came. Each did his level best; + SIR PELLEAS soon killed one and slew the rest. + + A bush of wild marsh-marigold, + That shines in hollows gray, + He cut, and smiling to his love, + He shoo-ed more flies away. + + He clasped his neck with crooked hands; + In the hot sun in lonely lands, + For several days he steady stands. + The wrinkled fly beneath him crawls, + He watches by the castle walls-- + Like thunder then his bush it falls. + +(_To be Continued._) + + * * * * * + +~ASTRONOMICAL CONVERSATIONS.~ + +[BY A FATHER AND DAUGHTER RESIDING ON THE PLANET VENUS.] + +No. IV. + +_D._ Oh, Pa, if we only had a Moon! What is life without one? + +_F._ Well, my child, we've w'iggled along, so far. It is true, our +Telluric friends may be said to have the advantage of us; but then, +there's no lunacy here! Everything is on the square on this planet! + +_D._ I don't care; I want a Moon, square or no square! There's no excuse +for being sentimental here. Who is ever imaginative, right after supper? +And yet Twilight is all the time we have. + +_F._ But still, HELENE, I think our young folks are not really deficient +in sentiment. What they would be, with six or seven moons, like those of +SATURN or URANUS, is frightful to think of! Heavens! what poetry would +spring up, like asparagus, in the genial spring-time! We should see +Raptures, I warrant you! And oh, the frensies, the homicidal energies, +the child-roastings! Yes, Moonshine would make it livelier here, no +doubt. A fine time, truly, for Ogres, with their discriminating +scent!--And what a moony sky! How odd, if one had a parlor with six +windows. + +_D._ Seven would be odder. + +_F._ Well, seven, and a moon looking into each one of 'em! An artist +would perhaps object to the cross-lights, but he needn't paint by them. + +_D._ What kind of "lights" were you speaking of? + +_F._ Satellites. + +_D._ Oh, pshaw! don't tantalize me! + +_F._ Well, cross-lights. + +_D._ Now, pray, what may a cross-light be? An unamiable and inhospitable +light, like that which gleams from the eyes of an astronomer when he is +interrupted in the midst of a calculation? + +_F._ No, nor yet the sarcastic sparkle in the eyes of a witty but +selfish and unfilial young lady! Cross-lights are lights whose rays, +coming from opposite quarters, cross each other. + +_D._ (Then yours and mine are cross-lights, I guess!) If two American +twenty-five cent pieces were to be placed at a distance from each other, +and you stood between them---- + +_F._ My child, I could never come between friends who would gladly see +each other after so long an absence! + +_D._ I was only trying to realize your idea of "light from opposite +quarters." + +_F._ The most of 'em must be far too rusty to reflect light. + +_D._ Oh, I dare say their reflections are heavy enough. + +_F._ And so will mine be, soon, if you go on in that style. + +_D._ Well, pa, I do drivel--that's a fact! Let us turn to something of +more importance. + +_F._ Suppose we now attend the Celestial Bull Fight always going on over +there in the sky. On one side you perceive that gamey _matador,_ ORION +(not the "Gold Beater,") with his club and his lion's skin, _a la +Hercules_. You observe how "unreservedly and unconditionally" he pitches +into the Bull, and how superb is the attitude and ardor of his opponent. +It is a splendid set-to, full of alarming possibilities. Every moment +you expect to see those enormous horns engaged with the bowels of ORION, +or, in default of this, to behold that truculent Club come down, Whack! +on that curly pate! + +_D._ And yet, they don't! + +_F._ True enough,--they don't. It reminds me of one JOHN BULL, and his +familiar _vis-a-vis,_ O'RYAN the Fenian. As the celestial parties have +maintained their portentous attitudes for ages, and nothing has come of +it, so we may look placidly for a similar suspension in the earthly +copy. + +_D._ But their very attitudes are startling! Wasn't ORION something of a +boaster? + +_F._ Oh, yes; he was in the habit of declaring that there wasn't an +animal on earth that he couldn't whip. He got come up with, however. By +the way, ORION was the original Homoeopathist. His proposed +father-in-law, DON OEROPION, having unfortunately put out his eyes, in a +little operation for misplaced affection, he hit on the now famous +principle, which, if fit for HAHNE-MAN, was fit for ORION. He went to +gazing at the sun. What would have destroyed his vision if he had had +any, now restored it when he didn't have any, and his sight became so +keen that he was able to see through OEROPION--though, I believe, he +reinforced his powers of ocular penetration with a pod-auger. + +_D._ (Drivelling again! More Bitters, I guess!) Father, why were the +Pleiades placed in the Head of TAURUS? + +_F._ Well, my child, there are various explanations. On the Earth, they +pretend to say it was meant to signify that the English women are the +finest in the universe--the most sensible, the most charming, the most +virtuous. No wonder, if this is so, we find their sign up there! What +said MAGNUS APOLLO to young IULUS,--"Proceed, youngster, you'll get +there eventually!" And MAG. was right. + +_D._ Pa, why do they say, "the _Seven_ Pleiades," when there are only +six? + +_F._ Well, dear, [_kissing her,_] perhaps there's a vacancy for _you!_ I +expect the Universe will be called in, one of these nights, to admire a +new winking, blinking, and saucy little violet star--the neatest thing +going! But not, I hope, just yet. + +_D._ Boo--hoo--hoo--hoo! + +_F._ Well, hang the Pleiades! Boo--hoo--hoo--too! + + * * * * * + +~Good for Something Better.~ + +We like enthusiasm. We are ourselves quite given to the admiration of +great people, as they, in their turn, we have reason to believe, are +given to admiration of their dear PUNCHINELLO. But when an English +adorer says that he considers "MR. CHARLES SUMNER fit for a throne," we +are tempted to inquire what throne there is fit for _him_? The fact is, +thrones have come to be rather more disreputable than three-legged +stools. "Every inch a king" may mean six feet of mad-man, or five feet +of mad-woman. We sincerely hope that there is no intention in England of +making MR. SUMNER the King of Spain--we mean of abducting him for the +purpose; for of course, he would never voluntarily assume the purple. + + * * * * * + +~The Difference.~ + +Fenian General O'NEILL bore down upon Canada with a martial charge, but +he was sent back in a Marshal's charge. + +[Illustration: AWFUL SCARE OF THE BRITISH LION AT THE ADVANCE OF THE +FENIAN HEAD CENTREPEDE.] + + * * * * * + +~Woman's Right to Ballot and Bullet.~ + +In a speech which sounds like a six-shooter, that deadly woman, Mrs. +F.H.M. BROWN, of San Francisco, gives notice that "when she goes to cast +her ballot, if any man insults her, she will shoot him!" Who will now +dare to question woman's ability to exercise both the franchise and the +franchised? PUNCHINELLO sadly foresees that Shooters for the hands of +women will take the place of Suitors. Nevertheless, he guarantees that +the Constitutional right of women to bear arms shall not be infringed, +and that they shall enjoy the inestimable privilege to shoot and be shot +at. Every woman shall be at perfect liberty to cast her bullet for the +man of her choice! + + * * * * * + +~How to Make Ends Meet.~ + +Miss BRITTAIN delivers a lecture on the High-caste women of India. She +should supplement it with one on the High-strung women of Indiana, and +thus illustrate the extremes of marriage and divorce. + + * * * * * + +~From the Vermont Border.~ + +_Voice._ "Has anything been gained by General O'NEIL?" + +_Echo._ O Nihil! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CABINET ORNAMENT. THE FISH REPRESENTED IS ONE OF THE +UPPER CRUST-ACEA] + + * * * * * + +~The Dominion of King Whiskey.~ + +The London _Illustrated News_ calls the new Province of the Dominion, +Manetoda, instead of Manitobah. Perhaps the mistake originated from the +rumor of the Many Tods by which certain members of the Canadian Cabinet +are said to be habitually inspired. + + * * * * * + +~A Blue-grass Reflection.~ + +Hard, indeed, is the life of the poor trapper of the Plains. Driven by +stress of hunger, he is often obliged to eat rattle-snake; but, as he +cannot eat the head of the reptile, though the tail is good at a pinch, +he fails, you perceive, to make both ends ~Meat.~ + + * * * * * + +~A Bright Idea.~ + +The Hon. JOHN BRIGHT is said to while away the time, in his retirement, +by knitting garters. It seems very strange that such a usurpation of +Woman's Rights should be carried into effect by one of the stoutest +advocates of them. + + * * * * * + +~The Green above the Red, at last.~ + +One of the narrators of the late Fenian fizzle on the Canadian border +describes General O'NEIL as having invaded the Dominion, "mounted on a +small Red horse." + + * * * * * + +~OUR PORTFOLIO.~ + +An exchange, after praising our recent Cartoon representing the +"Barnacles on American Commerce," moves to refer us to the House +Committee on Commerce and Manufactures. PUNCHINELLO never did love the +ways of the Washington Circumlocution Office, but if there is one thing +which he dislikes more than anything else, 'tis the idea of being +pigeonholed by the Committee on Commerce. The uses to which valuable +information is put by that august body of traffickers in public +credulity, are not for us. That we might penetrate their benighted minds +with many rays of knowledge is not to be doubted, but that we should be +snubbed in proportion to the value of our opinions is also equally +clear. There are some pretty dark places in this world: the Black Hole +of Calcutta; the _oubliette_ of Chillon Castle, the Torture Chambers of +Nuremberg, and the grottoes of the Mammoth Cave, for instance; but there +is no such utter exclusion of light, such profound oblivion, such +blackness of darkness, as awaits anything which may be committed to the +dungeon of a Congressional Committee. Most decidedly, therefore, we +would rather not be referred. + + * * * * * + +Learned men in Massachusetts are just now confronted with an alarming +possibility. They have been racking their brains to solve the problem +whether population is increasing there faster than the means of +subsistence, and with the expectation of discovering that it is, they +have reached a precisely opposite result. The awful announcement is put +forth, that the supply of babies is diminishing, and the question "What +shall we do to remedy it?" is asked. So persistently is this +interrogatory urged, that young unmarried men perambulating the streets +of Boston, or sauntering leisurely about the Common, are liable at any +moment to be accosted by advanced single ladies with wild, haggard +looks, who stop them face to face, seize them by the shoulders, and +gazing at them with keen, imploring glances, as if they would read their +souls through their eyes, seem to cry "And what have _you_ got to say +about it, O wifeless youth? and why do _you_ let the precious moments +fly when we are willing and ready to be sacrificed? and what are _we_ +all coming to, and where are _you_ all going to, and where will Boston +be if this thing goes on?" But these thoughtless and jeering bachelors +will not stop to hear the wail of their challengers; they feel no pity +for their despair; they have no stomach for their agony; but go their +ways, leaving the wretched females rooted, transfixed, the picture of +perfect hopelessness, and greeting them, ere they disappear from sight, +with shouts of scoffing laughter, which the winds catch up and carry +away out of earshot. + + * * * * * + +~Something that most People would like a Little Longer.~ + +Strawberry Short Cake. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INTERNATIONAL YACHTING. + +JOHN BULL, NETTLED AT THE DEFEAT OF LITTLE ASHBURY, WHO IS SETTING UP A +HOWL ABOUT IT, ORDERS MASTERS DOUGLAS AND BENNETT AWAY WITH THEIR BOATS, +LEST THEY SHOULD "FOSTER MISCHIEVOUS JEALOUSIES."] + + * * * * * + +~CONDENSED CONGRESS.~ + +SENATE. + +[Illustration: 'I'.] + +In spite of the obstinate silence of SUMNER, the Senate has been lively. +Its first proceeding was to pass a bill--an interminable and long-drawn +bill--ostensibly to enforce the Fifteenth Amendment. But the title is a +little joke. As no single person can read this bill and live, and as no +person other than a member of the bar of Philadelphia could understand +it, if he survived the reading of it, PUNCHINELLO deemed it his duty to +have the bill read by relays of strong men. What, is the result? Six of +his most valued contributors sleep in the valley. But what are their +lives to the welfare of the universe, for which he exists. The bill +provides, + +1. That any person of a darker color than chrome yellow shall hereafter +be entitled to vote to any extent at any election, without reference to +age, sex, or previous condition, anything anywhere to the contrary +notwithstanding. + +2. That any person who says that any such person ought not to vote shall +be punishable by fine to the extent of his possessions, and shall be +anathema. + +3. That any person who shall, with intent to prevent the voting of any +such person, strike such person upon the nose, eye, mouth, or other +feature, within one mile of any place of voting, within one week of any +day of voting, shall be punishable by fine to the extent of twice his +possessions, and shall be disentitled to vote forever after. Moreover he +shall be anathema. + +4. That any person who shall advise any other person to question the +right of any person of the hue hereinbefore specified to vote, or to do +any other act whatsoever, shall be punishable by fine to the extent of +three times his possessions, and shall be anathema. + +5. That all the fines collected under this act shall be expended upon +the endowment of "The Society for Securing the Pursuit of Happiness to +American Citizens of African Descent." And if any person shall call in +question the justice of such a disposition of such fines, he shall be +punishable by fine to the extent of four times his possessions, and +shall be anathema. + +Mr. WILSON objected to anathema. He said nobody in the Senate but SUMNER +knew what it meant. Besides, it was borrowed from the syllabus of a +degraded superstition. He moved to substitute the simple and +intelligible expression, "Hebedam." + +The Senate settled their little dispute about who was entitled to a +medal for coming first to the defence of the Capital. They decided to +give medals to everybody. Mr. CAMERON was satisfied. If the Senate only +medalled enough, that was all he asked. There were about five thousand +wavering voters in his district, whom he thought he could fix, if he +could give them a medal apiece. + +Mr. CONKLING said he would like to medal some men. But he did not like +such meddlesome men as CAMERON. + +Mr. DRAKE moved to deprive anybody in Missouri who differed from him in +politics of practicing any profession. He said that many of the citizens +of that State were incarnate demons--so much so that when they had an +important law case they would rather intrust it to somebody else than +himself. Was this right? He asked the Senate to protect him as a native +industry. + +HOUSE. + +Mr. INGERSOLL floated his powerful mind in air-line railroads. He wanted +"that air" line from Washington to New York. This 'ere line didn't suit +him. He appealed to the House to protect its members from the untold +horrors of passing through Philadelphia. He had no doubt that much of +the imbecility which he remarked in his colleagues, and possibly some of +the imbecility they had remarked in him, were due to this dreadful +ordeal. He admitted that good juleps were to be had at he Mint. But +juleps had beguiled even SAMSON, and cut his hair off. His colleague, +LOGAN, might not be as strong as SAMSON, but he would be as entirely +useless and unimpressive an object with his hair off. + +Then there was a debate upon the proposition to abolish the mission to +Rome. + +Mr. BROOKS said most of his constituents were Roman Catholics. Therefore +there should be a mission to Rome. + +Mr. DAWES said that BROOKS used to be a Know-Nothing. Therefore there +should not be a mission to Rome. + +Mr. COX said that they used to burn witches in Massachusetts. Therefore +there should be a mission to Rome. + +Mr. HOAR said they didn't. Therefore there should not be a mission to +Rome. + +Mr. VOORHEES said they burnt a Roman Catholic Asylum in Boston. +Therefore there should be a mission to Rome. + +Mr. DAWES said they burnt a Negro Asylum in New York. Therefore there +should not be a mission to Rome. + +Mr. VOORHEES said DAWES was another. Therefore there should be a mission +to Rome. + +Mr. BINGHAM said POWELL was a much better painter than TITIAN, and +VINNIE REAM a much better sculptor than MICHAEL ANGELO. Therefore there +should not be a mission to Rome. + +_Republican Chorus._ You are. + +_Democratic Chorus._ We ain't. + +_Republican Chorus._ You did. + +_Democratic Chorus._ We didn't. + +_Solo by the Speaker._ Order. + +_Democratic Chorus._ There should be (_da capo_ with gavel +accompaniment.) + +_Republican Chorus._ There should not be (ditto, ditto.) After weighing +these arguments, the House adjourned without doing anything about it. + + * * * * * + +~A BAD "ODOR" IN THE WEST.~ + +"The Coroner's Jury investigating the Missouri Pacific Railroad +slaughter have found that it was all caused by the disobedience and +negligence of WILLIAM ODOR, conductor of the extra freight +train!"--Daily Paper. + +This "conductor" is as dangerous as some (of the "lightning" species) +which we have seen dangling disjointed from the roofs and walls of +dwelling-houses in the country. At the first shock, good-bye to you! if +you are anywhere around. Or, rather, he may be compared to the miasma +from ditches and stagnant ponds, inhaled at all times by our rustic +fellow citizens, with the trustfulness (if not relish) of the most +extreme simplicity. And yet, it kills them, all the same. No one out +West would have cared a pin about WILLIAM'S "disobedience" and +"negligence," if these trifling eccentricities hadn't occasioned the +killing or maiming of several car-loads of passengers. It is hard to +shock these Western folks' sense of honor and fidelity; but kill a few +of them, and the rest begin to feel it. We suppose that just now this +BILL can't pass there. But, our word for it, he'll soon be in +circulation again. Perhaps he may yet have the pleasure of Conducting +some of _us_ to that Station from which, etc., etc. Before we take our +contemplated trip to the West, therefore, we fervently desire to have +this ODOR neutralised, even though one should do it with strychnine. + + * * * * * + +~INFORMATION WANTED.~ + +The correspondent of a Boston paper writes as follows, after having +visited the _Reichstag_: + +"You may be sure that that man is BISMARCK; if from time to time he +irons out his face wearily with his hands, as he studies a long +document, or if by chance some unlucky member, attracting his disdain, +calls his mind to the fact that he is in Parliament, then he starts to +his feet like a war-horse, and talks with great grace and ease, always +rapidly, always briefly." + +Why is it that BISMARCK irons out his face? Is it because he has just +washed it--or is it to conceal his identity, as the features of the Man +in the Mask were ironed out? + +And why does the great Minister start to his feet like a war-horse? +PUNCHINELLO, not having been an Alderman or Member of Congress, +recently, is not very familiar with the getting up of war horses; but +the ordinary equine animal does not assume the upright posture with +great readiness or grace. If PUNCHINELLO were to become a member of the +_Reichstag,_ an event now highly probable, he would like to have every +adversary in debate "start to his feet like a war-horse." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ILLUSTRATED LITERATURE. + +_Boy (with basket.)_ "WHAT'S THEM PICTERS, JIM?--ANOTHER MURDER, OR A +NEW DIVORCE?" + +_Jim._ "NOT MUCH. ONLY AN OLD EXECUTION,--WARMED OVER!"] + + +~THE ROMAUNT OF THE OYSTER.~ + + In the moonlight at Cattawampus + We sat by the surging sea, + "And O how I long for an oyster," + Said FELICIA FITZ-SNYDER to me. + + Then I said, "Would were mine the power, + Deep, deep, to the deepmost sea + I would fly on the wings of an oyster + To gather a pearl for thee. + + "Where the oysters are roystering together + In the caves and the grots where they lie, + And the clams with a musical clamor + Rejoice when the water is high," + + "O, there would my spirit conduct thee. + Till, as waves began to swell, + Thou shoulds't rise o'er the crest of the billows, + Like a VENUS upon the half-shell!" + + 'Twas enough: for I saw her eye stir, + And ope like an oyster wide, + As in accents hysteric she whispered, + "No, FELIX--I'd like 'em fried!" + + Did she take me, alas! for a friar, + Or a man of a soul austere, + That pearl of my heart's Chincoteague? + Oh, no, she had nothing to fear. + + Then we reached the hotel together + And partook of two plates of fry, + And I marvelled to think than an oyster + Had hoisted her spirits so high. + + * * * * * + +~FOREIGN CORRESPONDENCE.~ + +(By Atlantic Cable.) + +Leaving Rome, I have called next on NAPOLEON, at Paris. He sent word, +through OLLIVIER, that be wanted to see me. He looks _old._ Some medical +man has put forth the idea that he has BRIGHT'S disease. An English +_attache_ just asked me whether that has any reference to JOHN BRIGHT. +As the latter is a Quaker, the first symptom of this disease must have +been shown long ago, when the Emperor said, "The Empire is Peace." I +satisfied my friend, however, that the case was not one of that Kidney. + +Well, the Emperor asked me, "What do they say of me in America?" + +"Sire, we think you are very wise, to accept the inevitable, and make a +virtue of it." + +"Wise, of course. Disinterested, too!" + +"_Pardonnez moi._ Not ever _wise, of course._ Mexico was a folly, you +know." + +"I know; though if you were not PUNCHINELLO, you should not say it. Will +my son reign in France?" + +"Sire, I am not an oracle. But they have a proverb in my country, that +it never rains but it pours." + +"_Je n'entends pas._ The _plebiscite_ was rather a neat thing!" + +"Worthy of its author. The old story; heads I win, tails you lose. But, +will your Majesty say what you think of the Pope?" + +"That old Popinjay! He has been my folly, greater than Mexico. He would +have gone to Gaeta, or to perdition, long ago, but for _Madame!_" + +"And the Council?" + +"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!" + +"What do you think of BISMARCK?" + +"Monsieur, I detain you too long. You have, I am sure, an engagement. +_Bon jour!_" + +_Apropos_ of the Emperor, it is said that, on the suggestion of +England's proposal to take charge of Greece, and clean out the brigands, +if the King and ministers there would resign,--Col. FISK telegraphed on +to NAPOLEON, offering to take charge of the government of France, as a +recreation, among his various engagements. He does not even require the +Emperor to withdraw; be can run the machine about as well with him as +without him. + +As to the _Plebisculum,_ they say that EUGENIE asked for masses to be +said in all the churches for its success. NAPOLEON preferred to make his +appeal to the _masses outside_ of the churches. + +ITALY. + +Bishop VERELLI last week declared, in a sermon, that railroads, +telegraphs, and the press, were all inventions of the devil. A +correspondent of the Tribune at once sent him word that this was a +mistake. HORACE GREELEY had already proved that railroads and telegraphs +were inventions of British Free Trade; and that the press had been +invented by his grandfather, for the promulgation of protection. + +Since the telegram came through Florence, of a serious riot at +Filadelfia, in Italy, a tourist from Penn's city of brotherly love +understood it to be that Col. TOM FLORENCE was seriously hurt in a riot +at Philadelphia! I telegraphed for him, to my old friend the Colonel, +and learned, with satisfaction, that not a hair of TOM'S head had been +shortened. + +ENGLAND. + +In Parliament, an interesting debate occurred the other night. Mr. +DAWSON moved a resolution condemning the raising of large revenue in +India from opium. Mr. WINGFIELD opposed the resolution, arguing that +opium was less hurtful than alcohol. Mr. TITMOUSE, a young member, added +that arsenic is less hurtful than strychnine; also, that this is less +injurious than prussic acid. Mr. GLADSTONE did not see what that had to +do with the case. Neither did I. + +Mr. DENNISON hoped that mere sentiment would not be suffered to +interfere with the prosperity of India. Mr. TITMOUSE then suggested the +sending of the volunteer Rifles to take immediate possession of China; +that would not be sentimental, but practical. Mr. HENLEY believed that +to be a more costly affair than he was prepared for; but, whenever the +interest of England required it, he was ready. What are the lives of a +hundred million Chinese to the financial prosperity of England? Mr. +GLADSTONE considered that opium was merely a drug, after all. It was not +worth while to consume the time of the House about it. And so the +resolution was lost. + +PRIME. + + * * * * * + +~A Mathematical Problem.~ + +If one United States Marshal can capture a Fenian General surrounded by +his army, in five minutes, how long would it take him to capture the +army? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: 'K'] + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +Kant is admitted to be one of the greatest of the German philosophers. +(That fact has nothing whatever to do with the Plays and Shows, but the +artist insisting upon making K the initial letter of this column, the +writer was obliged to begin with Kant--Kelley being hopelessly +associated in the public mind with pig-iron, and all other metaphorical +quays from which he might have launched his weekly bark being +unreasonably spelled with a Q.) + +German philosophy, however, resembles Italian Opera in one particular: +it consists more of sound than of sense. Both have a like effect upon +the undersigned, in that they lead him into the paths of innocence and +peace; in short, they put him to sleep. A few nights since he went to +hear Miss KELLOGG in _Poliuto_. He listened with attention through the +first act, drowsily through the second, and from the shades of dreamland +in the third. Between the acts he lounged in the lobbies and heard the +critics speak with sneering derision of the complimentary notices of the +American Nightingale which they were about to write, while they +expressed, with sardonic smiles, a longing for the day when they would +be "allowed"--such was their singular expression--to "speak the truth +about Miss KELLOGG as a prima donna." And while he sat with closed eyes +during the third act, wondering whether he should believe the critics in +the flesh, or their criticisms in the columns of their respective +journals, he saw rehearsed before him a new operatic perversion of +MACBETH, as unlike the original as even VERDI'S MACBETTO, and quite as +inexplicable to the unsophisticated mind. And this is what he saw: + +_Scene, the Dark Cave in fourteenth street. In the middle a Cauldron +boiling. Thunder--and probably small beer--behind the scenes. Enter +three Witches._ + +_1st Witch_. Thrice the Thomas cat hath yowled. + +_2d Witch_. Thrice; and once the hedge-hog howled. + +_3d Witch_. All of which is wholly irrelevant to our present purpose, +which is to summon what my friend Sir BULWER LYTTON would call the +Scin-Laeca, or, apparition of each living critic from the nasty deep of +the cauldron, and to interview him in order to hear what he really +thinks of Miss KELLOGG. + +_lst Witch_ + "Round about the cauldron go, + In the poisoned whiskey throw + Lager, that on coldest stone, + Days and nights hast thirty one." + +_Enter_ MACSTRAKOSCH. "How now, you secret black and midnight hags, what +is't you do?" + +_All_ "A deed that under present circumstances it would be superfluous +to name." + +_MacStrakosch_. "I conjure you by that which you profess, (how'er you +come to know it,) answer me to what I ask you." + +_lst Witch_. "Speak." + +_2d Witch_. "Proceed." + +_3d Witch_. "Out with it, old boy." + +_MacStrakosch_. "What do these fellows really think, whom we compel to +write so sweetly of our own Connecticut _prima donna_?" + +_All_ + "Come high or low, come jack or even game, + We'll answer all your questions just the same." + +_Thunder. An apparition of a critic rises._ + +_MacStrakosch_. + +"Tell me, thou unknown power, what thinkest thou Of our own native +nightingale?" + +_Apparition_. + + "Her voice is clear and bright, but far too thin + For a great singer.--Such in truth she's not. + Dismiss me!" (_Descends_.) + +_MacStrakosch_. + + "Dismissed thou shalt be if thy editor + Will listen to our singer's and MAECENAS' plaint. + But one word more." + +_Thunder. Second apparition of a critic rises. + +Apparition_. + + "Her voice is good in quality, but then + There's not sufficient of it for a queen + Of the lyric stage. Yet such she claims to be, + But is not. Now dismiss me." (_Descends_.) + +_MacStrakosch_. + + "Yea; and I will unless thy master's ear + Be deaf to the demand of good society. + Let me hear more!" + +_Thunder. Third apparition of a critic rises. + +Apparition_. + + "Her lower notes are bad, her upper notes + Forced, reedy, and most sadly often flat; + 'Tis folly to compare her with the great + Full-voiced and plenteous Parepa. Now + Dismiss me if thou wilt." + +_MacStrakosch_. + + "Sacrilegious wretch! I have thy name + Upon my tablets. Thy official head + Comes off at once. Call up, ye midnight hags, + Another of these villains." + +_Thunder. Fourth apparition of a critic rises. + +Apparition_. + + "Her acting, like her voice, is cold and hard; + Not thus did GRISI, GAZZANIGA or + CORTESI act when their warm Southern blood + Throbbed in the passionate pulse of VIOLETTA, + NORMA, or the Spanish LEONORE. + Dismiss me, quick." + +_MacStralosch_. + + "Thon diest ere to-morrow's sun shall set, + Or never more advertisement of mine + Shall grace the columns of thy journal. Next." + +_Thunder. Fifth apparition of a critic rises. + +Apparition_. + + "She in the same in everything she sings; + Her 'Gilda,' her 'Amina,' or her 'Marguerite,' + Her 'Leonora,' or her 'Daughter of + The Regiment,' are one and all the same + Fair lady decked in different stage costumes. + Better dismiss me, now. I've told the truth, + And may continue that unseemly practice." + +_MacStrakosch_. + + "This is past bearing. Are there any more + Of these rude fellows waiting to be summoned?" + +_Thunder. Eight apparitions of critics rise and pass over the stage, +reciting the following chorus: + +Apparitions_. + + "She has a pretty little voice, and uses it + In pretty little ways. If she would sing + In pretty little theatres she'd make a hit + In pretty little parts. That's everything + That can be said for her. Cease then to claim + That "KELLOGG" should be writ next GRISI'S name." + +_The apparitions vanish. An alarm of drums is heard, and_ MATADOR +_awakes to find that he is still enduring Poliuto, and that a sporadic +drum in the orchestra, which has broken loose from the weak restraints +of the conductor's discipline, is making Verdi unnecessarily hideous._ + +And as he passed once more and finally through the lobby, he heard a +critic remark, "She is the same in everything she sings;" and another +reply, "Yes, she has a pretty little voice, and uses it nicely, but she +is by no means a great singer." Struck by the similarity of these +remarks to those made by the apparitions in his vision, he began to +doubt whether his dream did not, after all, contain a large alloy of +truth, and the more he thought on the subject the more he was led to +believe that for once he had really heard the critics of the New York +press indulging in an unrestrained expression of honest opinion. + +MATADOR + + * * * * * + +~Bingham on Rome.~ + +"Talk to me at this time of day about Borne being the Mother of Arts!" +cries Mr. BUNCOMBE BINGHAM, M.C. PUNCHINELLO fervently hopes that at no +time of the day will anybody ever talk to BINGHAM about Borne being the +Mother of Arts. The reason therefor is obvious. "Why, sir," says +BINGHAM, "there is more of that genius which makes even the marble itself +wear the divine beauty of life, more of that power to-day in living +America, than was ever dreamed of in Rome, living or dead!" We think we +hear BINGHAM exclaim, with the gladiator-like championship of Art for +which he is renowned--"Bring on your MICHAEL ANGELOS; produce your +CHIAROSCUROS, your MASANIELLOS, your SAVONAROLAS and the rest of +'em--but show me a match for VINNIE REAM!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ~PERSIFLAGE.~ + +Jenkins (_Chaffing glazier, who is mending basement window_.) "NOW, MY +FRIEND, TRY TO GET OUT THAT WAY. YOU KNOW YOU MUST HAVE BEEN PUT IN FOR +_something_, AND YOU'LL ONLY AGGRAVATE MATTERS IF YOU TRY TO BREAK +JAIL."] + + * * * * * + +~Chinopathy.~ + +Did the gentleman who threw a brick at a dog on a very hot day (when no +doubt that inoffensive animal was in a stew) imagine that he had hit +upon the whole of the common Chinese _materia medica?_ PUNCHINELLO is +gravely told that a Celestial doctor is about to come to New York, whose +favorite prescriptions, in accordance with Chinese practice, "will be +baked clay-dust, similar to brick-dust and dog-soup." In one of these +remedies the medical acumen of PUNCHINELLO recognizes a homoeopathic +principle. Man having been made out of the dust of the earth, nothing is +so well adapted to cure him as baked clay. Every man's house is now not +only his castle, but his apothecary shop. A brick may be considered a +panacea, and may be carried in the hat. Taken internally, it will go to +the building up of the system. Applied to the head it is good for +fractures. Dog-soup has an evident advantage over the usual +prescriptions of Bark. + + * * * * * + +~Greek Meeting Greek.~ + +We learn that "a naval architect named DUNKIN claims to have constructed +a new style of vessel, impervious to rams, shell, or shot." Now, then, +where is our friend, Captain ERICSSON? The Captain has a torpedo which +he is anxious to explode, near a strong vessel belonging to somebody +else. He says it will blow up anything. DUNIN says nothing can blow up +his vessel. A contest between these very positive inventors would be a +positive luxury--to those who had nothing to risk. We bet on the +torpedo. + + * * * * * + +~The "New Muscle".~ + +It was a mere joke, that stuff about the "new muscle in the human body," +said to have been found by an English anatomist. It simply meant that, +the Oyster Months being past, the "human body" begins to be nourished +with soft-shell clams. + + * * * * * + +~GRAVESTONES FOR SALE.~ + +Bargains in Immortality + +The undersigned offers for sale to the highest bidder, up to Doomsday +next, several choice lots of tombstones. Bidders will state price and +terms of payment, and accepted purchasers will remove the monuments from +their present localities, at their own risk. The lots are: + +1st. A gravestone of white marble. It is about 65 feet square at the +base, and is the frustrum of a pyramid, truncated at about 140 feet. It +is filled with a square hole, upon the sides of which are inscriptions +let into various colored marbles, and in the languages of the peoples +who inhabited a great country ages ago. The stone was designed to be put +over the remains of PRO PATRIA, a personage once celebrated for loyalty +and wisdom, but whose teachings are now well nigh forgotten, and whose +name even is fast being obliterated from the memories of radical +improvers of governments and republican institutions. This lot may be +seen south of the mouth of Goose Creek, in a district called Columbia. + +2d. A gravestone consisting of a square house of Illinois marble, with a +piece of a smoke-stack protruding from the roof. About one-third of the +estimated cost had been expended, when the persons who were to furnish +the means suddenly concluded that the Little Giant could sleep just as +well in a filthy unmarked hole in the ground, as under a pile of marble. +Besides, being dead, he couldn't get any more offices for his +constituents, so they found out they didn't care a cuss for him. Further +information about this stone can be obtained by applying to any citizen +of Chicago. + +3d. A monument which we haven't seen, and so can't describe. It is +supposed to be at Springfield, Illinois, and was intended for a person +once called a railsplitter--a man much homelier than the typical hedge +fence, but as good as homely. He was thought to be a second PRO PATRIA, +MOSES, or some such person, and was sworn by, by millions of people who +would now almost deny ever having heard of him. At the time he went out +everybody wanted to put up a gravestone immediately--almost before he +needed one. Now, everybody isn't altogether enough to provide one. For +further particulars about the Springfield stone, inquire of any red-hot +radical. + +There are some other lots, but we will not offer them until we see how +the present ones go off. + +GHOUL, _Undertaker._ + + * * * * * + +~LATEST ABOUT "LO!"~ + +The Irrepressible Black having been repressed, here comes the +Irrepressible Red! HIAWATHA is cutting up a great variety of capers as +well as of unfortunate settlers. Should you ask us why this bloodshed, +Why this scalping and this burning, Why this conduct most disgraceful, +Why these crimes of the Piegans, Why this sending forth of soldiers, Why +the perils of the railway, known as and called the way Pacific, (which +it won't be if these actions are allowed to go unpunished,) We should +tell you--whiskey! to say nothing of the indomitable propensity which +rises in the Piegan bosom for scalps. The noble Son of the Forest is an +amateur in scalps; as some of us are all for old books and others for +old coins. But however much we may respect the enthusiasm of the wild +Rover of the Plains, in making these collections of cranial curiosities, +we feel that the red virtuoso is really going too far--at least we +should feel so, we have no doubt, if he were taking off our own private +scalp, which is a very handsome one, and which we hope to be buried in. +No; the Piegan passion for scalps must be suppressed. But how? Some say +by more whiskey. Some say by less. Some say by none at all. We are for +the more instead of the less. There is whiskey and whiskey. Now our idea +would be to send an unlimited supply of the more deadly variety of that +exhilarating fluid, (highly camphened,) to the convivial Piegans. After +an extensive debauch upon this potent tipple, very few Piegans would be +likely to take the field, either this summer or any other. They would be +Dead Reds, every rascal of them. + + * * * * * + +Extraordinary Bargains + +In + +REAL INDIA, CASHMERE AND SUMMER SHAWLS, + +Paris and Domestic Made Silk Cloaks, + +_Embroidered Breakfast Jackets, in +all Colors,_ + +CHILDREN'S & MISSES' SACKS, + +Ladies' Spring and Summer Suits in SILK, +POPLIN, PONGEES, SERGES, PIQUE, +SWISS LAWN, LINENS, Colored +and Plain CAMBRICS. + +Children's and Misses' White and +Colored Pique Suits. + +Ladies', Children's and Infants' Underwear, +&c., in Every Style. + +A.T. Stewart & CO., + +Broadway, 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Sts. + + * * * * * + +A. T. 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KERR, should subscribe +now, to insure its regular receipt weekly. + +We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one who wishes to +see them, in view of subscribing, on the receipt of SIXTY CENTS. + +Address, + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY + +P.O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau St., New York. + + * * * * * + +Geo. W. Wheat, Printer, No. 8 Spruce Street. + + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 11, June 11, +1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, JUNE 11, 1870 *** + +***** This file should be named 9545.txt or 9545.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/9/5/4/9545/ + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra +Brown and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Price, Fifty Cents. + +THE TRADE + +Supplied by the + +AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, + +Who are now prepared to receive Orders. + + * * * * * + +HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S + +STEEL PENS. + +These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper than any other +Pen in the market. Special attention is called to the following grades, as +being better suited for business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The + +"5O5," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," + +we recommend for Bank and Office use. + +D. APPLETON & CO., + +Sole Agents for United States. + + * * * * * + +[Sidenote: See 15th page for Extra Premiums.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Vol. I No. 11.] + +PUNCHINELLO + +SATURDAY, JUNE 11, 1870. + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, + +By ORPHEUS C. KERR, + +In this Number and will be continued Weekly + + * * * * * + +APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN + +"PUNCHINELLO" + +SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO + +J. NICKERSON, + +ROOM No. 4, + +No. 83 Nassau Street + + * * * * * + +DIBBLEEANIA, + +and + +Japonica Juice + +FOR THE HAIR. + +The most effective Soothing and Stimulating Compounds +ever offered to the public for the + +Removal of Scarf, Dandruff, &c. + +For consultation, apply at + +WILLIAM DIBBLEE'S, + +Ladies' Hair Dresser and Wig Maker. + +854 BROADWAY, N. Y. City. + + * * * * * + +FURNITURE + +E. W. HUTCHINGS & SON, + +Manufacturers of + +Rich and Plain Furniture + +AND DECORATIONS. + +Nos. 99 and 101 Fourth Avenue, + +Formerly 475 Broadway, + +(Near A. T. Stewart & Co.'s.) NEW YORK + +Where a general assortment can be had at moderate prices. + +_Wood Mantels, Pier and Mantel Frames and Wainscoting +made to order from designs_ + + * * * * * + +PHELAN & COLLENDER, + +MANUFACTURERS OF + +STANDARD AMERICAN BILLIARD TABLES, + +WAREROOMS AND OFFICE, + +738 BROADWAY, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +NEW YORK CITIZEN + +and + +ROUND TABLE, + +A Literary, Political, and Sporting paper + +with the beat writers in each department. Published every +Saturday. + +PRICE, TEN CENTS. + +32 Beekman Street + + * * * * * + +WEVILL & HAMMAR, + +Wood Engravers + +208 BROADWAY + +NEW YORK + + * * * * * + +Thomas J. Rayner & Co., + +29 Liberty Street, New York, + +MANUFACTURERS OF THE + +FINEST CIGARS + +_Made in the United States._ + +All sizes and styles. Prices very moderate. Samples sent +to any responsible house. Also importers of the + +"FUSBOS" BRAND, + +Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and, +from ten to twenty per cent cheaper. + +_Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money +by calling at_ + +No. 29 LIBERTY STREET. + + * * * * * + +ERIE RAILWAY. + +TRAINS LEAVE DEPOTS + +Foot of Chambers Street + +and + +Foot of Twenty-Third Street, + +AS FOLLOWS: + +Through Express Trains leave Chambers Street at 8 A.M., 10 A.M., 5:30 P.M., +and 7:00 P.M., (daily); leave 23d Street at 7:45 A.M., 9:45 A.M., and 5:15 +and 6:45 P.M. (daily.) New and improved Drawing-Room Coaches will accompany +the 10:00 A.M. train through to Buffalo, connecting at Hornellsville with +magnificent Sleeping Coaches running through to Cleveland and Galion. +Sleeping Coaches will accompany the 8:00 A.M. train from Susquehanna to +Buffalo, the 5:30 P.M. train from New York to Buffalo, and the 7:00 P.M. +train from New York to Rochester, Buffalo and Cincinnati. An Emigrant train +leaves daily at 7:30 P.M. + +FOR PORT JERVIS AND WAY, *11:30 A.M., and 4:30 P.M., (Twenty-third Street, +*11:15 A.M. and 4:15 P.M.) + +FOR MIDDLETOWN AND WAY, at 3:30 P.M.,(Twenty-third Street, 3:15 P.M.); and, +Sundays only, 8:30 A.M. (Twenty-third Street, 8:15 P.M.) + +FOR GREYCOURT AND WAY, at *8:30 A.M., (Twenty-third Street, 8:15 A.M.) + +FOR NEWBURGH AND WAY, at 8:00 A.M., 3:30 and 4:30 P.M. (Twenty-third Street +7:45 A.M., 3:15 and 4:15 P.M.) + +FOR SUFFERN AND WAY, 5:00 P.M. and 6:00 P.M. (Twenty-third Street, 4:45 and +5:45 P.M.) Theatre Train, *ll:30 P.M. (Twenty-third Street, *11 P.M.) + +FOR PATERSON AND WAY, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at 6:45, 10:15 and +11:45 A.M.; *1:45 3:45, 5:15 and 6:45 P.M. From Chambers Street Depot at +6:45, 10:l5 A.M.; 12 M.; *1:45, 4:00, 5:15 and 6:45 P.M. + +FOR HACKENSACK AND HILLSDALE, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at 8:45 and +11:45 A.M.; $7:15 3:45, $5:15, 5:45, and $6:45 P.M. From Chambers Street +Depot, at 9:00 A.M.; 12:00 M.; $2:l5, 4:00 $5:l5, 6:00, and $6:45 P.M. + +FOR PIERMONT, MONSEY AND WAY, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at +8:45 A.M.; 12:45, {3:l5 4:15, 4:46 and {6:15 P.M., and, Saturdays only, +{12 midnight. From Chambers Street Depot, at 9:00 A.M.; 1:00, {3:30, +4:15, 5:00 and {6:30 P.M. Saturdays, only, {12:00 midnight. + +Tickets for passage and for apartments in Drawing-Room and Sleeping Coaches +can be obtained, and orders for the Checking and Transfer of Baggage may +be left at the + +COMPANY'S OFFICES: + +241, 529, and 957 Broadway. +205 Chambers Street. +Cor. 125th Street & Third Ave., Harlem. +338 Fulton Street, Brooklyn. +Depots, foot of Chambers Street and foot +of Twenty-third Street, New York. +3 Exchange Place. +Long Dock Depot, Jersey City, +And of the Agents at the principal Hotels + +WM. R. BARR, +_General Passenger Agent._ + +L. D. RUCKER, +_General Superintendent._ + +Daily. $For Hackensack only, {For Piermont only. + +May 2D, 1870. + + * * * * * + +MERCANTILE LIBRARY + +Clinton Hall, Astor Place, + +NEW YORK. + +This is now the largest Circulating Library in America, the number of +volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 volumes are added each +month; and very large purchases are made of all new and popular works. +Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each delivery. + +TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP: + +TO CLERKS, $1 INITIATION, $3 ANNUAL DUES. +TO OTHERS, $5 A YEAR. + +Subscriptions Taken for Six Months. + +BRANCH OFFICES + +at + +No. 76 Cedar St., New York, + +and at + +Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth. + + * * * * * + +AMERICAN + +BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, + +AND + +SEWING-MACHINE CO., + +572 and 574 Broadway, New-York. + + +This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on +all the former machines, making, in addition to all work done on best +Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful + +BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES, + +in all fabrics. + +Machine, with finely finished + +OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER + +complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts,$50. This last +is beyond all question the simplest, easiest to manage and to keep in +order, of any machine in the market. Machines warranted, and full +instruction given to purchasers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HENRY SPEAR. PRINTER-LITHOGRAPHER STATIONER +BLANK BOOK MANUFACTURER. 82 WALL ST. NEW YORK.] + + * * * * * + +J. NICKINSON + +begs to announce to the friends of + +"PUNCHINELLO" + +residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has +Made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of + +ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED. + +the same will be forwarded, postage paid. + +Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing Houses +can have the same forwarded by inclosing two stamps. + +OFFICE OF + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. + +83 Nassau Street, + +[P.O. Box 2783.] + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + +[The American Press's Young Gentlemen, when taking their shady literary +walks among the Columns of Interesting Matter, have been known to +remark--with a glibness and grace, by Jove, greatly in excess of their +salaries--that the reason why we don't produce great works of +imagination in this country, as they do in other countries, is because +we haven't the genius, you know. They think--do they?--that the +bran-new localities, post-office addresses, and official titles, +characteristic of the United States of America, are rife with all the +grand old traditional suggestions so useful in helping along the +romantic interest of fiction. They think--do they?--that if an American +writer could write a Novel in the exact style of COLLINS, or TROLLOPE, +or DICKENS: only laying its scenes and having its characters in this +country; the work would be as romantically effective as one by COLLINS, +or TROLLOPE, or DICKENS; and that the possibly necessary incidental +mention of such native places as Schermerhorn Street, Dobb's Ferry, or +Chicago, _wouldn't_ disturb the nicest dramatic illusion of the +imaginative tale. Very well, then! All right! Just look here!--O A.P's +Young Gentlemen, just look here--] + + + + +CHAPTER I. + + +DAWNATION. + + +A modern American Ritualistic Spire! How can the modern American +Ritualistic Spire be here! The well-known tapering brown Spire, like a +closed umbrella on end? How can that be here? There is no rusty rim of a +shocking bad hat between the eye and that Spire in the real prospect. +What is the rusty rim that now intervenes, and confuses the vision of at +least one eye? It must be an intoxicated hat that wants to see, too. It +is so, for ritualistic choirs strike up, acolytes swing censers +dispensing the heavy odor of punch, and the ritualistic rector and his +gaudily robed assistants in alb, chasuble, maniple and tunicle, intone a +_Nux Vomica_ in gorgeous procession. Then come twenty young clergymen in +stoles and birettas, running after twenty marriageable young ladies of +the congregation who have sent them worked slippers. Then follow ten +thousand black monkies swarming all over everybody and up and down +everything, chattering like fiends. Still the Ritualistic Spire keeps +turning up in impossible places, and still the intervening rusty rim of +a hat inexplicably clouds one eye. There dawns a sensation as of +writhing grim figures of snakes in one's boots, and the intervening +rusty rim of the hat that was not in the original prospect takes a +snake-like--But stay! Is this the rim of my own hat tumbled all awry? I' +mushbe! A few reflective moments, not unrelieved by hiccups, mush be +d'voted to co'shider-ERATION of th' posh'bil'ty. + +Nodding excessively to himself with unspeakable gravity, the gentleman +whose diluted mind has thus played the Dickens with him, slowly arises +to an upright position by a series of complicated manoeuvres with both +hands and feet; and, having carefully balanced himself on one leg, and +shaking his aggressive old hat still farther down over his left eye, +proceeds to take a cloudy view of his surroundings. He is in a room +going on one side to a bar, and on the other side to a pair of glass +doors and a window, through the broken panes of which various musty +cloth substitutes for glass ejaculate toward the outer Mulberry Street. +Tilted back in chairs against the wall, in various attitudes of +dislocation of the spine and compound fracture of the neck, are an +Alderman of the ward, an Assistant-Assessor, and the lady who keeps the +hotel. The first two are shapeless with a slumber defying every law of +comfortable anatomy; the last is dreamily attempting to light a stumpy +pipe with the wrong end of a match, and shedding tears, in the dim +morning ghastliness, at her repeated failures. + +"Thry another," says this woman, rather thickly, to the gentleman +balanced on one leg, who is gazing at her and winking very much. "Have +another, wid some bitters." + +He straightens himself extremely, to an imminent peril of falling over +backward, sways slightly to and fro, and becomes as severe in expression +of countenance as his one uncovered eye will allow. + +The woman falls back in her chair again asleep, and he, walking with one +shoulder depressed, and a species of sidewise, running gait, approaches +and poises himself over her. + +"What vision can _she_ have?" the man muses, with his hat now fully upon +the bridge of his nose. He smiles unexpectedly; as suddenly frowns with +great intensity; and involuntarily walks backward against the sleeping +Alderman. Him he abstractedly sits down upon, and then listens intently +for any casual remark he may make. But one word comes-- +"Wairzernat'chal'zationc'tif'kits." + +"Unintelligent!" mutters the man, weariedly; and, rising dejectedly from +the Alderman, lurches, with a crash, upon the Assistant-Assessor. Him he +shakes fiercely for being so bony to fall on, and then hearkens for a +suitable apology. + +"Warzwaz-yourwifesincome-lash'--lash'-year?" + +A thoughtful pause, partaking of a doze. + +"Unintelligent!" + +Complicatedly arising from the Assessor, with his hat now almost hanging +by an ear, the gentleman, after various futile but ingenious efforts to +face towards the door by turning his head alone that way, finally +succeeds by walking in a circle until the door is before him. Then, with +his whole countenance charged with almost scowling intensity of purpose, +though finding it difficult to keep his eyes very far open, he balances +himself with the utmost care, throws his shoulders back, steps out +daringly, and goes off at an acute slant toward the Alderman again. +Recovering himself by a tremendous effort of will and a few wild +backward movements, he steps out jauntily once more, and can not stop +himself until he has gone twice around a chair on his extreme left and +reached almost exactly the point from which he started the first time. +He pauses, panting, but with the scowl of determination still more +intense, and concentrated chiefly in his right eye. Very cautiously +extending his dexter hand, that he may not destroy the nicety of his +perpendicular balance, he points with a finger at the knob of the door, +and suffers his stronger eye to fasten firmly upon the same object. A +moment's balancing, to make sure, and then, in three irresistible, +rushing strides, he goes through the glass doors with a burst, without +stopping to turn the latch, strikes an ash-box on the edge of the +sidewalk, rebounds to a lamp-post, and then, with the irresistible rush +still on him, describes a hasty wavy line, marked by irregular +heel-strokes, up the street. + +That same afternoon, the modern American Ritualistic Spire rises in +duplicate illusion before the multiplying vision of a traveller recently +off the ferry-boat, who, as though not satisfied with the length of his +journey, makes frequent and unexpected trials of its width. The bells +are ringing for vesper service; and, having fairly made the right door +at last, after repeatedly shooting past and falling short of it, he +reaches his place in the choir and performs voluntaries and +involuntaries upon the organ, in a manner not distinguishable from +almost any fashionable church-music of the period. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + + +A DEAN, AND A CHAP OR TWO ALSO. + + +Whosoever has noticed a party of those sedate and Germanesquely +philosophical animals, the pigs, scrambling precipitately under a gate +from out a cabbage-patch toward nightfall, may, perhaps, have observed, +that, immediately upon emerging from the sacred vegetable preserve, a +couple of the more elderly and designing of them assumed a sudden air of +abstracted musing, and reduced their progress to a most dignified and +leisurely walk, as though to convince the human beholder that their +recent proximity to the cabbages had been but the trivial accident of a +meditative stroll. + +Similarly, service in the church being over, and divers persons of +piggish solemnity of aspect dispersing, two of the latter detach +themselves from the rest and try an easy lounge around toward a side +door of the building, as though willing to be taken by the outer world +for a couple of unimpeachable low-church gentlemen who merely happened +to be in that neighborhood at that hour for an airing. + +The day and year are waning, and the setting sun casts a ruddy but not +warming light upon two figures under the arch of the side door; while +one of these figures locks the door, the other, who seems to have a +music book under his arm, comes out, with a strange, screwy motion, as +though through an opening much too narrow for him, and, having poised a +moment to nervously pull some imaginary object from his right boot and +hurl it madly from him, goes unexpectedly off with the precipitancy and +equilibriously concentric manner of a gentleman in his first private +essay on a tight-rope. + +"Was that Mr. BUMSTEAD, SMYTHE?" + +"It wasn't anybody else, your Reverence." + +"Say 'his identity with the person mentioned scarcely comes within the +legitimate domain of doubt,' SMYTHE--to Father Dean, the younger of the +piggish persons softly interposes, + +"Is Mr. BUMSTEAD unwell, SMYTHE?" + +"He's got 'em bad to-night." + +"Say 'incipient cerebral effusion marks him especially for its prey at +this vesper hour.' SMYTHE--to Father DEAN," again softly interposes Mr. +SIMPSON, the Gospeler. + +"Mr. SIMPSON," pursues Father DEAN, whose name has been modified, by +various theological stages, from its original form of Paudean, to Pere +DEAN--Father DEAN, "I regret to hear that Mr. BUMSTEAD is so delicate in +health; you may stop at his boarding-house on your way home, and ask him +how he is, with my compliments." _Pax vobiscum_. + +Shining so with a sense of his own benignity that the retiring sun gives +up all rivalry at once and instantly sets in despair, Father DEAN +departs to his dinner, and Mr. SIMPSON, the Gospeler, betakes himself +cheerily to the second-floor-back where Mr. BUMSTEAD lives. Mr. BUMSTEAD +is a shady-looking man of about six and twenty, with black hair and +whiskers of the window-brush school, and a face reminding you of the +BOURBONS. As, although lighting his lamp, he has, abstractedly, almost +covered it with his hat, his room is but imperfectly illuminated, and +you can just detect the accordeon on the window-sill, and, above the +mantel, an unfinished sketch of a school-girl. (There is no artistic +merit in this picture; in which, indeed, a simple triangle on end +represents the waist, another and slightly larger triangle the skirts, +and straight-lines with rake-like terminations the arms and hands.) + +"Called to ask how you are, and offer Father DEAN'S compliments," says +the Gospeler. + +"I'm allright, shir!" says Mr. BUMSTEAD, rising from the rug where he +has been temporarily reposing, and dropping his umbrella. He speaks +almost with ferocity. + +"You are awaiting your nephew, EDWIN DROOD?" + +"Yeshir." As he answers, Mr. BUMSTEAD leans languidly far across the +table, and seems vaguely amazed at the aspect of the lamp with his hat +upon it. + +Mr. SIMPSON retires softly, stops to greet some one at the foot of the +stairs, and, in another moment, a young man fourteen years old enters +the room with his carpet-bag. + +"My dear boys! My dear EDWINS!" + +Thus speaking, Mr. BUMSTEAD sidles eagerly at the new comer, with open +arms, and, in falling upon his neck, does so too heavily, and bears him +with a crash to the ground. + +"Oh, see here! this is played out, you know," ejaculates the nephew, +almost suffocated with travelling-shawl and BUMSTEAD. + +Mr. BUMSTEAD rises from him slowly and with dignity. + +"Excuse me, dear EDWIN, I thought there were two of you." + +EDWIN DROOD regains his feet with alacrity and casts aside his shawl. + +"Whatever you thought, uncle, I am still a single man, although your way +of coming down on a chap was enough to make me beside myself. Any grub, +JACK?" + +With a check upon his enthusiasm and a sudden gloom of expression +amounting almost to a squint, Mr. BUMSTEAD motions with his whole right +side toward an adjacent room in which a table is spread, and leads the +way thither in a half-circle. + +"Ah, this is prime!" cries the young fellow, rubbing his hands; the +while he realizes that Mr. BUMSTEAD'S squint is an attempt to include +both himself and the picture over the mantel in the next room in one +incredibly complicated look. + +Not much is said during dinner, as the strength of the boarding-house +butter requires all the nephew's energies for single combat with it, and +the uncle is so absorbed in a dreamy effort to make a salad with his +hash and all the contents of the castor, that he can attend to nothing +else. At length the cloth is drawn, EDWIN produces some peanuts from his +pocket and passes some to Mr. BUMSTEAD, and the latter, with a wet towel +pinned about his head, drinks a great deal of water. + +"This is Sissy's birthday, you know, JACK," says the nephew, with a +squint through the door and around the corner of the adjoining apartment +toward the crude picture over the mantel, "and, if our respective +respected parents hadn't bound us by will to marry, I'd be mad after +her." + +Crack. On EDWIN DROOD'S part. + +Hic. On Mr. BUMSTEAD'S part. + +"Nobody's dictated a marriage for you, JACK. _You_ can choose for +yourself. Life for _you_ is still fraught with freedom's intoxicating--" + +Mr. BUMSTEAD has suddenly become very pale, and perspires heavily on the +forehead. + +"Good Heavens, JACK! I haven't hurt your feelings?" + +Mr. BUMSTEAD makes a feeble pass at him with the water-decanter, and +smiles in a very ghastly manner. + +"Lem me be a mis'able warning to you, EDWIN," says Mr. BUMSTEAD, +shedding tears. + +The scared face of the younger recalls him to himself, and he adds: +"Don't mind me, my dear boys. It's cloves; you may notice them on my +breath. I take them for nerv'shness." Here he rises in a series of +trembles to his feet, and balances, still very pale, on one leg. + +"You want cheering up," says EDWIN DROOD, kindly. + +"Yesh--cheering up. Let's go and walk in the graveyard," says Mr. +BUMSTEAD. + +"By all means. You won't mind my slipping out for half a minute to the +Alms House to leave a few gum-drops for Sissy? Rather spoony, JACK." + +Mr. BUMSTEAD almost loses his balance in an imprudent attempt to wink +archly, and says, "Norring-half-sh'-shweet-'n-life." He is very thick +with EDWIN DROOD, for he loves him. + +"Well, let's skedaddle, then." + +Mr. BUMSTEAD very carefully poises himself on both feet, puts on his hat +over the wet towel, gives a sudden horrified glance downward toward one +of his boots, and leaps frantically over an object. + +"Why, that was only my cane," says EDWIN. + +Mr. BUMSTEAD breathes hard, and leans heavily on his nephew as they go +out together. + +(_To be Continued._) + + + * * * * * + + +~JUMBLES~ + + +PUNCHINELLO has heard, of course, of the good time coming. It has not +come yet. It won't come till the stars sing together in the morning, +after going home, like festive young men, early. It won't come till +Chicago has got its growth in population, morals and ministers. It won't +come till the women are all angels, and men are all honest and wise; not +until politicians and retailers learn to tell the truth. You may think +the Millennium a long way off. Perhaps so. But mighty revolutions are +sometimes wrought in a mighty fast time. Many a fast man has been known +to turn over a new leaf in a single night, and forever afterwards be +slow. Such a thing is dreadful to contemplate, but it has been. Many a +vain woman has seen the folly of her ways at a glance, and at once gone +back on them. This is _not_ dreadful to contemplate, since to go back on +folly is to go onward in wisdom. The female sex is not often guilty of +this eccentricity, but instances have been known. It is that which fills +the proud bosom of man with hope and consolation, and makes him feel +really that woman is coming; which is all the more evident since she +began her "movement." The good time coming is nowhere definitely named +in the almanacs. The goings and comings of the heavenly bodies, from the +humble star to the huge planet, are calculated with the facility of the +cut of the newest fashion; and the revolutions of dynasties can be fixed +upon with tolerable certainty; but the period of the good time coming is +lost in the mists of doubt and the vapors of uncertainty. It is very +sure in expectancy, like the making of matrimonial matches. Everybody is +looking for it, but nobody sees it. The sharpest of eyes only discern +the bluest and gloomiest objects. But PUNCHINELLO may reasonably expect +to see, feel and know, this good time. The coming will yet be to it the +time come. Perhaps it will be when it visits two hundred thousand +readers weekly, when mothers sigh, children cry, and fathers well-nigh +die for it. At all events, somewhen or other--it may be the former +period, but possibly the latter--the good time _will_ come. And great +will be the coming thereof, with no discount to the biggest or richest +man out. + +What a luxury is Hope! It springs eternal in the human breast. Rather an +awkward place for a spring, but as poets know more than other people, no +doubt it is all right. Hope is an institution. What is the White House, +or the Capitol at Washington, to Hope? What is the Central Park, or +Boston Common, or the Big Organ, to Hope? Not much--not anything, like +the man's religion, to speak of. Hope bears up many a man, though it +pays no bills to the grocer, milliner, tailor, or market man. It is the +vertebra which steadies him plumb up to a positive perpendicular. A +hopeless man or woman--how fearful! They very soon become +round-shouldered, limp and weak, and drink little but unsizable sighs, +and feed on all manner of dark and unhealthy things. It is TODD'S +deliberate opinion that if a cent can't be laid up, Hope should. Hope +with empty pockets is rich compared to wealth with "nary a" hope. Hope +is a good thing to have about the house. It always comes handy, and is +acceptable even to company. So believes, and he acts on the faith, does + +TIMOTHY TODD. + + * * * * * + + +~Capitol Punishment.~ + + +Abolition of the franking privilege. + + * * * * * + +~SKETCH OF ORPHEUS C. KERR.~ + +[Illustration: RESIDENCE OF THE ADAPTER: BEGAD'S HILL, TICKNOR'S FIELDS, +NEW JERSEY.] + +It is now nearly a twelfth of a century since the veracious Historian of +the imperishable Mackerel Brigade first manoeuvred that incomparably +strategical military organization in public, and caused it to illustrate +the fine art of waging heroic war upon a life-insurance principle. +Equally renowned in arms for its feats and legs, and for being always on +hand when any peculiarly daring retrograde movement was on foot, this +limber martial body continually fell back upon victory throughout the +war, and has been coming forward with hand-organs ever since. Its +complete History, by the same gentleman who is now adapting the literary +struggles of MR. E. DROOD to American minds and matters, was +subsequently issued from the press of CARLETON, in more or less volumes, +and at once attracted profound attention from the author's creditors. +One great American journal said of it: "We find the paper upon which +this production is printed of a most amusing quality." Another observed: +"The binding of this tedious military work is the most humorous we ever +saw." A third added: "In typographical details, the volumes now under +consideration are facetious beyond compare." + +[Illustration: THE ADAPTER AS HE APPEARS EVERY SATURDAY.] + +The present residence of the successful Historian is Begad's Hill, New +Jersey, and, if not existing in SHAKSPEARE'S time, it certainly looks +old enough to have been built at about that period. Its architecture is +of the no-capital Corinthian order; there are mortgages both front and +back, and hot and cold water at the nearest hotel. From the central +front window, which belongs to the author's library, in which he keeps +his Patent Office Reports, there is a fine view of the top of the porch; +while from the rear casements you get a glimpse of blind-shutters which +won't open. It is reported of this fine old place, that the present +proprietor wished to own it even when a child; never dreaming the +mortgaged halls would yet be his without a hope of re-selling. + +Although fully thirty years of age, the owner of Begad's Hill Place +still writes with a pen; and, perhaps, with a finer thoughtfulness as to +not suffusing his fingers with ink than in his more youthful moments of +composition. He is sound and kind in both single and double harness; +would undoubtedly be good to the Pole if he could get there; and, +although living many miles from the city, walks into his breakfast every +morning in the year. Let us, however, + + "No longer seek his virtues to disclose, + Nor draw his frailties from their dread abode." + +but advise PUNCHINELLO'S readers to peruse the "Mystery of Mr. E. +DROOD," for further glimpses of Mr. ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + * * * * * + +~The Fall of Man at the Falls~. + +It is a very lamentable fact that the married people of Niagara have not +attained even the dignity and comfort of insanity. A paragraph informs +us that "The Niagara hotels have already forty-seven men trying to look +as if married for years, and who only succeed in resembling imbeciles." +To a Niagara tourist this must be an Eye-aggravating spectacle. But, +fortunately, none of this class of the Double-Blest will shoot anybody. +They don't look as if they had been married long! They are imbecile, not +insane! + + * * * * * + +~Green and Red~. + +The _Southern Cell_ proposes that the Fenians shall make a new Ireland +of Winnipeg. Except on the principle of Hibernating, PUNCHINELLO cannot +discover why his Irish fellow-citizens are ambitious to winter in the +Red River country. Wouldn't Greenland do as well, and wear better? + + * * * * * + +~TAKE CARE OF THE WOUNDED~ + +Though but one of the Fenian leaders was killed in the late Frontier +Fizzle, yet many of them are reported as being badly wounded--as to +their feelings. General O'NEIL'S feelings are dreadfully hurt by the +ignominy of a constable and a cell, which was a bad Cell for a Celt. The +feelings of General GLEASON (and they must be multitudinous, since he is +nearly seven feet high,) were so badly wounded by circumstances over +which he didn't seem to have any control, that he retired from the field +"in disgust." Mental afflictions, in fact, are so numerous among the +Fenians since their Fizzle, as to suggest the advisability of their +Head-Centre founding a Hospital for Wounded Feelings with the surplus of +the funds wrung by him from simple, hard-working BRIDGET. + + * * * * * + +~Interesting to Bathers~ + +Persons who are drowned while bathing in the surf are said to experience +but little pain. In fact, their Sufferings are short. + + * * * * * + +~Fenian Tactics~. + +The first movement of the Fenians on reaching Canadian soil was to +"throw out their skirmishers into a hop field," where the Hops gathered +by them were of the precipitate and retrogressive kind sometimes traced +to Spanish origin. + + * * * * * + +~THE HOLY GRAIL AND OTHER POEMS.~ + + +(This is one of the other Poems.) + + +BY A HALF-RED DENIZEN OF THE WEST. + + + SIR PELLEAS, lord of many a barren isle, + On his front stoop at eventide, awhile, + Sat solemn. His mother, on a stuel, + At the crannied hearth prepared his gruel. + + "Mother!" he cried, "I love!" Said she, "Ah, who?" + "I know not, mother dear," he said, "Do you? + I only know I love all maidens fair; + My special maid, I have not seen, I swear. + Perhaps she's fair as Arthur's queenly saint; + And pure as she--and then, perhaps she ain't." + + Turned then his mother from the hearth-stone hot; + Dropped the black lid upon the gruel-pot. + "I know'd a Qua-aker feller, as often as tow'd me this: + 'Doan't thou marry for munny, but goa wheer munny is!' + She's a beauty, thou thinks--wot'a a beauty? the flower as blaws, + But proputty, proputty sticks, and proputty, proputty graws." + + Then said her son, "If I may make so bold, + You quote the new-style poem, not the old. + The Northern Farmer whom you think so sage + Is not born yet. This is the Middle Age." + + He said no more, and on the next bright day + To Arthur's court he proudly rode away. + And on the way a maiden did he meet, + And laid his heart and fortunes at her feet. + Smiling on him--ETTARRE was her name-- + "Brave knight," she said, "your love I cannot blame. + Your hands are strong. I see you have no brains, + You're just the man for tournaments. Your pains, + In case for me a battle you shall win, + Shall be rewarded," and she smiled like sin. + + PELLEAS glistened with a wild delight; + And good King Arthur soon got up a fight + And on the flat field, by the shore of Usk, + SIR PELLEAS smashed the knights from dawn till dusk. + + Then from his spear--at least he thought he did-- + He shook each mangled corpse, and softly glid, + And crowned ETTARRE Queen of Love and Truth. + She wore the crown and then bescorned the youth. + Now to her castle home would she repair; + And PELLEAS craved that he might see her there. + "Oh, young man from the country!" then said she, + "Shoo fly! poor fool, and don't you bother me!" + She banged her gate behind her, crying "Sold!" + The noble youth was left out in the cold. + + He shoo-ed the fly from the flower-pots, + From blackest moss, he shoo-ed them all. + Shoo-ed them from rusted nails and knots, + That held the peach to the garden-wall; + + And broken sheds, all sad and strange. + He shoo-ed them from the clinking latch, + And from the weeded, ancient thatch, + Upon the lonely moated grange. + + He only said, "This thing is dreary. + She cometh not!" he said. + He said, "I am aweary, aweary, + I wish these flies were dead." + + So PELLEAS made his moan. And every day, + Or moist or dry, he shoo-ed the flies away. + "These be the ways of ladies," PELLEAS saith, + "To those who love them; trials of our faith." + + But ceaseless shoo-ing made the lady mad, + And she called out the best three knights she had, + And charged them, "Charge him! Drive him from the wall! + If he keeps on, we'll have no flies at all!" + And out they came. Each did his level best; + SIR PELLEAS soon killed one and slew the rest. + + A bush of wild marsh-marigold, + That shines in hollows gray, + He cut, and smiling to his love, + He shoo-ed more flies away. + + He clasped his neck with crooked hands; + In the hot sun in lonely lands, + For several days he steady stands. + The wrinkled fly beneath him crawls, + He watches by the castle walls-- + Like thunder then his bush it falls. + +(_To be Continued._) + + * * * * * + +~ASTRONOMICAL CONVERSATIONS.~ + +[BY A FATHER AND DAUGHTER RESIDING ON THE PLANET VENUS.] + +No. IV. + +_D._ Oh, Pa, if we only had a Moon! What is life without one? + +_F._ Well, my child, we've w'iggled along, so far. It is true, our +Telluric friends may be said to have the advantage of us; but then, +there's no lunacy here! Everything is on the square on this planet! + +_D._ I don't care; I want a Moon, square or no square! There's no excuse +for being sentimental here. Who is ever imaginative, right after supper? +And yet Twilight is all the time we have. + +_F._ But still, HELENE, I think our young folks are not really deficient +in sentiment. What they would be, with six or seven moons, like those of +SATURN or URANUS, is frightful to think of! Heavens! what poetry would +spring up, like asparagus, in the genial spring-time! We should see +Raptures, I warrant you! And oh, the frensies, the homicidal energies, +the child-roastings! Yes, Moonshine would make it livelier here, no +doubt. A fine time, truly, for Ogres, with their discriminating +scent!--And what a moony sky! How odd, if one had a parlor with six +windows. + +_D._ Seven would be odder. + +_F._ Well, seven, and a moon looking into each one of 'em! An artist +would perhaps object to the cross-lights, but he needn't paint by them. + +_D._ What kind of "lights" were you speaking of? + +_F._ Satellites. + +_D._ Oh, pshaw! don't tantalize me! + +_F._ Well, cross-lights. + +_D._ Now, pray, what may a cross-light be? An unamiable and inhospitable +light, like that which gleams from the eyes of an astronomer when he is +interrupted in the midst of a calculation? + +_F._ No, nor yet the sarcastic sparkle in the eyes of a witty but +selfish and unfilial young lady! Cross-lights are lights whose rays, +coming from opposite quarters, cross each other. + +_D._ (Then yours and mine are cross-lights, I guess!) If two American +twenty-five cent pieces were to be placed at a distance from each other, +and you stood between them---- + +_F._ My child, I could never come between friends who would gladly see +each other after so long an absence! + +_D._ I was only trying to realize your idea of "light from opposite +quarters." + +_F._ The most of 'em must be far too rusty to reflect light. + +_D._ Oh, I dare say their reflections are heavy enough. + +_F._ And so will mine be, soon, if you go on in that style. + +_D._ Well, pa, I do drivel--that's a fact! Let us turn to something of +more importance. + +_F._ Suppose we now attend the Celestial Bull Fight always going on over +there in the sky. On one side you perceive that gamey _matador,_ ORION +(not the "Gold Beater,") with his club and his lion's skin, _a la +Hercules_. You observe how "unreservedly and unconditionally" he pitches +into the Bull, and how superb is the attitude and ardor of his opponent. +It is a splendid set-to, full of alarming possibilities. Every moment +you expect to see those enormous horns engaged with the bowels of ORION, +or, in default of this, to behold that truculent Club come down, Whack! +on that curly pate! + +_D._ And yet, they don't! + +_F._ True enough,--they don't. It reminds me of one JOHN BULL, and his +familiar _vis-a-vis,_ O'RYAN the Fenian. As the celestial parties have +maintained their portentous attitudes for ages, and nothing has come of +it, so we may look placidly for a similar suspension in the earthly +copy. + +_D._ But their very attitudes are startling! Wasn't ORION something of a +boaster? + +_F._ Oh, yes; he was in the habit of declaring that there wasn't an +animal on earth that he couldn't whip. He got come up with, however. By +the way, ORION was the original Homoeopathist. His proposed +father-in-law, DON OEROPION, having unfortunately put out his eyes, in a +little operation for misplaced affection, he hit on the now famous +principle, which, if fit for HAHNE-MAN, was fit for ORION. He went to +gazing at the sun. What would have destroyed his vision if he had had +any, now restored it when he didn't have any, and his sight became so +keen that he was able to see through OEROPION--though, I believe, he +reinforced his powers of ocular penetration with a pod-auger. + +_D._ (Drivelling again! More Bitters, I guess!) Father, why were the +Pleiades placed in the Head of TAURUS? + +_F._ Well, my child, there are various explanations. On the Earth, they +pretend to say it was meant to signify that the English women are the +finest in the universe--the most sensible, the most charming, the most +virtuous. No wonder, if this is so, we find their sign up there! What +said MAGNUS APOLLO to young IULUS,--"Proceed, youngster, you'll get +there eventually!" And MAG. was right. + +_D._ Pa, why do they say, "the _Seven_ Pleiades," when there are only +six? + +_F._ Well, dear, [_kissing her,_] perhaps there's a vacancy for _you!_ I +expect the Universe will be called in, one of these nights, to admire a +new winking, blinking, and saucy little violet star--the neatest thing +going! But not, I hope, just yet. + +_D._ Boo--hoo--hoo--hoo! + +_F._ Well, hang the Pleiades! Boo--hoo--hoo--too! + + * * * * * + +~Good for Something Better.~ + +We like enthusiasm. We are ourselves quite given to the admiration of +great people, as they, in their turn, we have reason to believe, are +given to admiration of their dear PUNCHINELLO. But when an English +adorer says that he considers "MR. CHARLES SUMNER fit for a throne," we +are tempted to inquire what throne there is fit for _him_? The fact is, +thrones have come to be rather more disreputable than three-legged +stools. "Every inch a king" may mean six feet of mad-man, or five feet +of mad-woman. We sincerely hope that there is no intention in England of +making MR. SUMNER the King of Spain--we mean of abducting him for the +purpose; for of course, he would never voluntarily assume the purple. + + * * * * * + +~The Difference.~ + +Fenian General O'NEILL bore down upon Canada with a martial charge, but +he was sent back in a Marshal's charge. + +[Illustration: AWFUL SCARE OF THE BRITISH LION AT THE ADVANCE OF THE +FENIAN HEAD CENTREPEDE.] + + * * * * * + +~Woman's Right to Ballot and Bullet.~ + +In a speech which sounds like a six-shooter, that deadly woman, Mrs. +F.H.M. BROWN, of San Francisco, gives notice that "when she goes to cast +her ballot, if any man insults her, she will shoot him!" Who will now +dare to question woman's ability to exercise both the franchise and the +franchised? PUNCHINELLO sadly foresees that Shooters for the hands of +women will take the place of Suitors. Nevertheless, he guarantees that +the Constitutional right of women to bear arms shall not be infringed, +and that they shall enjoy the inestimable privilege to shoot and be shot +at. Every woman shall be at perfect liberty to cast her bullet for the +man of her choice! + + * * * * * + +~How to Make Ends Meet.~ + +Miss BRITTAIN delivers a lecture on the High-caste women of India. She +should supplement it with one on the High-strung women of Indiana, and +thus illustrate the extremes of marriage and divorce. + + * * * * * + +~From the Vermont Border.~ + +_Voice._ "Has anything been gained by General O'NEIL?" + +_Echo._ O Nihil! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CABINET ORNAMENT. THE FISH REPRESENTED IS ONE OF THE +UPPER CRUST-ACEA] + + * * * * * + +~The Dominion of King Whiskey.~ + +The London _Illustrated News_ calls the new Province of the Dominion, +Manetoda, instead of Manitobah. Perhaps the mistake originated from the +rumor of the Many Tods by which certain members of the Canadian Cabinet +are said to be habitually inspired. + + * * * * * + +~A Blue-grass Reflection.~ + +Hard, indeed, is the life of the poor trapper of the Plains. Driven by +stress of hunger, he is often obliged to eat rattle-snake; but, as he +cannot eat the head of the reptile, though the tail is good at a pinch, +he fails, you perceive, to make both ends ~Meat.~ + + * * * * * + +~A Bright Idea.~ + +The Hon. JOHN BRIGHT is said to while away the time, in his retirement, +by knitting garters. It seems very strange that such a usurpation of +Woman's Rights should be carried into effect by one of the stoutest +advocates of them. + + * * * * * + +~The Green above the Red, at last.~ + +One of the narrators of the late Fenian fizzle on the Canadian border +describes General O'NEIL as having invaded the Dominion, "mounted on a +small Red horse." + + * * * * * + +~OUR PORTFOLIO.~ + +An exchange, after praising our recent Cartoon representing the +"Barnacles on American Commerce," moves to refer us to the House +Committee on Commerce and Manufactures. PUNCHINELLO never did love the +ways of the Washington Circumlocution Office, but if there is one thing +which he dislikes more than anything else, 'tis the idea of being +pigeonholed by the Committee on Commerce. The uses to which valuable +information is put by that august body of traffickers in public +credulity, are not for us. That we might penetrate their benighted minds +with many rays of knowledge is not to be doubted, but that we should be +snubbed in proportion to the value of our opinions is also equally +clear. There are some pretty dark places in this world: the Black Hole +of Calcutta; the _oubliette_ of Chillon Castle, the Torture Chambers of +Nuremberg, and the grottoes of the Mammoth Cave, for instance; but there +is no such utter exclusion of light, such profound oblivion, such +blackness of darkness, as awaits anything which may be committed to the +dungeon of a Congressional Committee. Most decidedly, therefore, we +would rather not be referred. + + * * * * * + +Learned men in Massachusetts are just now confronted with an alarming +possibility. They have been racking their brains to solve the problem +whether population is increasing there faster than the means of +subsistence, and with the expectation of discovering that it is, they +have reached a precisely opposite result. The awful announcement is put +forth, that the supply of babies is diminishing, and the question "What +shall we do to remedy it?" is asked. So persistently is this +interrogatory urged, that young unmarried men perambulating the streets +of Boston, or sauntering leisurely about the Common, are liable at any +moment to be accosted by advanced single ladies with wild, haggard +looks, who stop them face to face, seize them by the shoulders, and +gazing at them with keen, imploring glances, as if they would read their +souls through their eyes, seem to cry "And what have _you_ got to say +about it, O wifeless youth? and why do _you_ let the precious moments +fly when we are willing and ready to be sacrificed? and what are _we_ +all coming to, and where are _you_ all going to, and where will Boston +be if this thing goes on?" But these thoughtless and jeering bachelors +will not stop to hear the wail of their challengers; they feel no pity +for their despair; they have no stomach for their agony; but go their +ways, leaving the wretched females rooted, transfixed, the picture of +perfect hopelessness, and greeting them, ere they disappear from sight, +with shouts of scoffing laughter, which the winds catch up and carry +away out of earshot. + + * * * * * + +~Something that most People would like a Little Longer.~ + +Strawberry Short Cake. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INTERNATIONAL YACHTING. + +JOHN BULL, NETTLED AT THE DEFEAT OF LITTLE ASHBURY, WHO IS SETTING UP A +HOWL ABOUT IT, ORDERS MASTERS DOUGLAS AND BENNETT AWAY WITH THEIR BOATS, +LEST THEY SHOULD "FOSTER MISCHIEVOUS JEALOUSIES."] + + * * * * * + +~CONDENSED CONGRESS.~ + +SENATE. + +[Illustration: 'I'.] + +In spite of the obstinate silence of SUMNER, the Senate has been lively. +Its first proceeding was to pass a bill--an interminable and long-drawn +bill--ostensibly to enforce the Fifteenth Amendment. But the title is a +little joke. As no single person can read this bill and live, and as no +person other than a member of the bar of Philadelphia could understand +it, if he survived the reading of it, PUNCHINELLO deemed it his duty to +have the bill read by relays of strong men. What, is the result? Six of +his most valued contributors sleep in the valley. But what are their +lives to the welfare of the universe, for which he exists. The bill +provides, + +1. That any person of a darker color than chrome yellow shall hereafter +be entitled to vote to any extent at any election, without reference to +age, sex, or previous condition, anything anywhere to the contrary +notwithstanding. + +2. That any person who says that any such person ought not to vote shall +be punishable by fine to the extent of his possessions, and shall be +anathema. + +3. That any person who shall, with intent to prevent the voting of any +such person, strike such person upon the nose, eye, mouth, or other +feature, within one mile of any place of voting, within one week of any +day of voting, shall be punishable by fine to the extent of twice his +possessions, and shall be disentitled to vote forever after. Moreover he +shall be anathema. + +4. That any person who shall advise any other person to question the +right of any person of the hue hereinbefore specified to vote, or to do +any other act whatsoever, shall be punishable by fine to the extent of +three times his possessions, and shall be anathema. + +5. That all the fines collected under this act shall be expended upon +the endowment of "The Society for Securing the Pursuit of Happiness to +American Citizens of African Descent." And if any person shall call in +question the justice of such a disposition of such fines, he shall be +punishable by fine to the extent of four times his possessions, and +shall be anathema. + +Mr. WILSON objected to anathema. He said nobody in the Senate but SUMNER +knew what it meant. Besides, it was borrowed from the syllabus of a +degraded superstition. He moved to substitute the simple and +intelligible expression, "Hebedam." + +The Senate settled their little dispute about who was entitled to a +medal for coming first to the defence of the Capital. They decided to +give medals to everybody. Mr. CAMERON was satisfied. If the Senate only +medalled enough, that was all he asked. There were about five thousand +wavering voters in his district, whom he thought he could fix, if he +could give them a medal apiece. + +Mr. CONKLING said he would like to medal some men. But he did not like +such meddlesome men as CAMERON. + +Mr. DRAKE moved to deprive anybody in Missouri who differed from him in +politics of practicing any profession. He said that many of the citizens +of that State were incarnate demons--so much so that when they had an +important law case they would rather intrust it to somebody else than +himself. Was this right? He asked the Senate to protect him as a native +industry. + +HOUSE. + +Mr. INGERSOLL floated his powerful mind in air-line railroads. He wanted +"that air" line from Washington to New York. This 'ere line didn't suit +him. He appealed to the House to protect its members from the untold +horrors of passing through Philadelphia. He had no doubt that much of +the imbecility which he remarked in his colleagues, and possibly some of +the imbecility they had remarked in him, were due to this dreadful +ordeal. He admitted that good juleps were to be had at he Mint. But +juleps had beguiled even SAMSON, and cut his hair off. His colleague, +LOGAN, might not be as strong as SAMSON, but he would be as entirely +useless and unimpressive an object with his hair off. + +Then there was a debate upon the proposition to abolish the mission to +Rome. + +Mr. BROOKS said most of his constituents were Roman Catholics. Therefore +there should be a mission to Rome. + +Mr. DAWES said that BROOKS used to be a Know-Nothing. Therefore there +should not be a mission to Rome. + +Mr. COX said that they used to burn witches in Massachusetts. Therefore +there should be a mission to Rome. + +Mr. HOAR said they didn't. Therefore there should not be a mission to +Rome. + +Mr. VOORHEES said they burnt a Roman Catholic Asylum in Boston. +Therefore there should be a mission to Rome. + +Mr. DAWES said they burnt a Negro Asylum in New York. Therefore there +should not be a mission to Rome. + +Mr. VOORHEES said DAWES was another. Therefore there should be a mission +to Rome. + +Mr. BINGHAM said POWELL was a much better painter than TITIAN, and +VINNIE REAM a much better sculptor than MICHAEL ANGELO. Therefore there +should not be a mission to Rome. + +_Republican Chorus._ You are. + +_Democratic Chorus._ We ain't. + +_Republican Chorus._ You did. + +_Democratic Chorus._ We didn't. + +_Solo by the Speaker._ Order. + +_Democratic Chorus._ There should be (_da capo_ with gavel +accompaniment.) + +_Republican Chorus._ There should not be (ditto, ditto.) After weighing +these arguments, the House adjourned without doing anything about it. + + * * * * * + +~A BAD "ODOR" IN THE WEST.~ + +"The Coroner's Jury investigating the Missouri Pacific Railroad +slaughter have found that it was all caused by the disobedience and +negligence of WILLIAM ODOR, conductor of the extra freight +train!"--Daily Paper. + +This "conductor" is as dangerous as some (of the "lightning" species) +which we have seen dangling disjointed from the roofs and walls of +dwelling-houses in the country. At the first shock, good-bye to you! if +you are anywhere around. Or, rather, he may be compared to the miasma +from ditches and stagnant ponds, inhaled at all times by our rustic +fellow citizens, with the trustfulness (if not relish) of the most +extreme simplicity. And yet, it kills them, all the same. No one out +West would have cared a pin about WILLIAM'S "disobedience" and +"negligence," if these trifling eccentricities hadn't occasioned the +killing or maiming of several car-loads of passengers. It is hard to +shock these Western folks' sense of honor and fidelity; but kill a few +of them, and the rest begin to feel it. We suppose that just now this +BILL can't pass there. But, our word for it, he'll soon be in +circulation again. Perhaps he may yet have the pleasure of Conducting +some of _us_ to that Station from which, etc., etc. Before we take our +contemplated trip to the West, therefore, we fervently desire to have +this ODOR neutralised, even though one should do it with strychnine. + + * * * * * + +~INFORMATION WANTED.~ + +The correspondent of a Boston paper writes as follows, after having +visited the _Reichstag_: + +"You may be sure that that man is BISMARCK; if from time to time he +irons out his face wearily with his hands, as he studies a long +document, or if by chance some unlucky member, attracting his disdain, +calls his mind to the fact that he is in Parliament, then he starts to +his feet like a war-horse, and talks with great grace and ease, always +rapidly, always briefly." + +Why is it that BISMARCK irons out his face? Is it because he has just +washed it--or is it to conceal his identity, as the features of the Man +in the Mask were ironed out? + +And why does the great Minister start to his feet like a war-horse? +PUNCHINELLO, not having been an Alderman or Member of Congress, +recently, is not very familiar with the getting up of war horses; but +the ordinary equine animal does not assume the upright posture with +great readiness or grace. If PUNCHINELLO were to become a member of the +_Reichstag,_ an event now highly probable, he would like to have every +adversary in debate "start to his feet like a war-horse." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ILLUSTRATED LITERATURE. + +_Boy (with basket.)_ "WHAT'S THEM PICTERS, JIM?--ANOTHER MURDER, OR A +NEW DIVORCE?" + +_Jim._ "NOT MUCH. ONLY AN OLD EXECUTION,--WARMED OVER!"] + + +~THE ROMAUNT OF THE OYSTER.~ + + In the moonlight at Cattawampus + We sat by the surging sea, + "And O how I long for an oyster," + Said FELICIA FITZ-SNYDER to me. + + Then I said, "Would were mine the power, + Deep, deep, to the deepmost sea + I would fly on the wings of an oyster + To gather a pearl for thee. + + "Where the oysters are roystering together + In the caves and the grots where they lie, + And the clams with a musical clamor + Rejoice when the water is high," + + "O, there would my spirit conduct thee. + Till, as waves began to swell, + Thou shoulds't rise o'er the crest of the billows, + Like a VENUS upon the half-shell!" + + 'Twas enough: for I saw her eye stir, + And ope like an oyster wide, + As in accents hysteric she whispered, + "No, FELIX--I'd like 'em fried!" + + Did she take me, alas! for a friar, + Or a man of a soul austere, + That pearl of my heart's Chincoteague? + Oh, no, she had nothing to fear. + + Then we reached the hotel together + And partook of two plates of fry, + And I marvelled to think than an oyster + Had hoisted her spirits so high. + + * * * * * + +~FOREIGN CORRESPONDENCE.~ + +(By Atlantic Cable.) + +Leaving Rome, I have called next on NAPOLEON, at Paris. He sent word, +through OLLIVIER, that be wanted to see me. He looks _old._ Some medical +man has put forth the idea that he has BRIGHT'S disease. An English +_attache_ just asked me whether that has any reference to JOHN BRIGHT. +As the latter is a Quaker, the first symptom of this disease must have +been shown long ago, when the Emperor said, "The Empire is Peace." I +satisfied my friend, however, that the case was not one of that Kidney. + +Well, the Emperor asked me, "What do they say of me in America?" + +"Sire, we think you are very wise, to accept the inevitable, and make a +virtue of it." + +"Wise, of course. Disinterested, too!" + +"_Pardonnez moi._ Not ever _wise, of course._ Mexico was a folly, you +know." + +"I know; though if you were not PUNCHINELLO, you should not say it. Will +my son reign in France?" + +"Sire, I am not an oracle. But they have a proverb in my country, that +it never rains but it pours." + +"_Je n'entends pas._ The _plebiscite_ was rather a neat thing!" + +"Worthy of its author. The old story; heads I win, tails you lose. But, +will your Majesty say what you think of the Pope?" + +"That old Popinjay! He has been my folly, greater than Mexico. He would +have gone to Gaeta, or to perdition, long ago, but for _Madame!_" + +"And the Council?" + +"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!" + +"What do you think of BISMARCK?" + +"Monsieur, I detain you too long. You have, I am sure, an engagement. +_Bon jour!_" + +_Apropos_ of the Emperor, it is said that, on the suggestion of +England's proposal to take charge of Greece, and clean out the brigands, +if the King and ministers there would resign,--Col. FISK telegraphed on +to NAPOLEON, offering to take charge of the government of France, as a +recreation, among his various engagements. He does not even require the +Emperor to withdraw; be can run the machine about as well with him as +without him. + +As to the _Plebisculum,_ they say that EUGENIE asked for masses to be +said in all the churches for its success. NAPOLEON preferred to make his +appeal to the _masses outside_ of the churches. + +ITALY. + +Bishop VERELLI last week declared, in a sermon, that railroads, +telegraphs, and the press, were all inventions of the devil. A +correspondent of the Tribune at once sent him word that this was a +mistake. HORACE GREELEY had already proved that railroads and telegraphs +were inventions of British Free Trade; and that the press had been +invented by his grandfather, for the promulgation of protection. + +Since the telegram came through Florence, of a serious riot at +Filadelfia, in Italy, a tourist from Penn's city of brotherly love +understood it to be that Col. TOM FLORENCE was seriously hurt in a riot +at Philadelphia! I telegraphed for him, to my old friend the Colonel, +and learned, with satisfaction, that not a hair of TOM'S head had been +shortened. + +ENGLAND. + +In Parliament, an interesting debate occurred the other night. Mr. +DAWSON moved a resolution condemning the raising of large revenue in +India from opium. Mr. WINGFIELD opposed the resolution, arguing that +opium was less hurtful than alcohol. Mr. TITMOUSE, a young member, added +that arsenic is less hurtful than strychnine; also, that this is less +injurious than prussic acid. Mr. GLADSTONE did not see what that had to +do with the case. Neither did I. + +Mr. DENNISON hoped that mere sentiment would not be suffered to +interfere with the prosperity of India. Mr. TITMOUSE then suggested the +sending of the volunteer Rifles to take immediate possession of China; +that would not be sentimental, but practical. Mr. HENLEY believed that +to be a more costly affair than he was prepared for; but, whenever the +interest of England required it, he was ready. What are the lives of a +hundred million Chinese to the financial prosperity of England? Mr. +GLADSTONE considered that opium was merely a drug, after all. It was not +worth while to consume the time of the House about it. And so the +resolution was lost. + +PRIME. + + * * * * * + +~A Mathematical Problem.~ + +If one United States Marshal can capture a Fenian General surrounded by +his army, in five minutes, how long would it take him to capture the +army? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: 'K'] + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +Kant is admitted to be one of the greatest of the German philosophers. +(That fact has nothing whatever to do with the Plays and Shows, but the +artist insisting upon making K the initial letter of this column, the +writer was obliged to begin with Kant--Kelley being hopelessly +associated in the public mind with pig-iron, and all other metaphorical +quays from which he might have launched his weekly bark being +unreasonably spelled with a Q.) + +German philosophy, however, resembles Italian Opera in one particular: +it consists more of sound than of sense. Both have a like effect upon +the undersigned, in that they lead him into the paths of innocence and +peace; in short, they put him to sleep. A few nights since he went to +hear Miss KELLOGG in _Poliuto_. He listened with attention through the +first act, drowsily through the second, and from the shades of dreamland +in the third. Between the acts he lounged in the lobbies and heard the +critics speak with sneering derision of the complimentary notices of the +American Nightingale which they were about to write, while they +expressed, with sardonic smiles, a longing for the day when they would +be "allowed"--such was their singular expression--to "speak the truth +about Miss KELLOGG as a prima donna." And while he sat with closed eyes +during the third act, wondering whether he should believe the critics in +the flesh, or their criticisms in the columns of their respective +journals, he saw rehearsed before him a new operatic perversion of +MACBETH, as unlike the original as even VERDI'S MACBETTO, and quite as +inexplicable to the unsophisticated mind. And this is what he saw: + +_Scene, the Dark Cave in fourteenth street. In the middle a Cauldron +boiling. Thunder--and probably small beer--behind the scenes. Enter +three Witches._ + +_1st Witch_. Thrice the Thomas cat hath yowled. + +_2d Witch_. Thrice; and once the hedge-hog howled. + +_3d Witch_. All of which is wholly irrelevant to our present purpose, +which is to summon what my friend Sir BULWER LYTTON would call the +Scin-Laeca, or, apparition of each living critic from the nasty deep of +the cauldron, and to interview him in order to hear what he really +thinks of Miss KELLOGG. + +_lst Witch_ + "Round about the cauldron go, + In the poisoned whiskey throw + Lager, that on coldest stone, + Days and nights hast thirty one." + +_Enter_ MACSTRAKOSCH. "How now, you secret black and midnight hags, what +is't you do?" + +_All_ "A deed that under present circumstances it would be superfluous +to name." + +_MacStrakosch_. "I conjure you by that which you profess, (how'er you +come to know it,) answer me to what I ask you." + +_lst Witch_. "Speak." + +_2d Witch_. "Proceed." + +_3d Witch_. "Out with it, old boy." + +_MacStrakosch_. "What do these fellows really think, whom we compel to +write so sweetly of our own Connecticut _prima donna_?" + +_All_ + "Come high or low, come jack or even game, + We'll answer all your questions just the same." + +_Thunder. An apparition of a critic rises._ + +_MacStrakosch_. + +"Tell me, thou unknown power, what thinkest thou Of our own native +nightingale?" + +_Apparition_. + + "Her voice is clear and bright, but far too thin + For a great singer.--Such in truth she's not. + Dismiss me!" (_Descends_.) + +_MacStrakosch_. + + "Dismissed thou shalt be if thy editor + Will listen to our singer's and MAECENAS' plaint. + But one word more." + +_Thunder. Second apparition of a critic rises. + +Apparition_. + + "Her voice is good in quality, but then + There's not sufficient of it for a queen + Of the lyric stage. Yet such she claims to be, + But is not. Now dismiss me." (_Descends_.) + +_MacStrakosch_. + + "Yea; and I will unless thy master's ear + Be deaf to the demand of good society. + Let me hear more!" + +_Thunder. Third apparition of a critic rises. + +Apparition_. + + "Her lower notes are bad, her upper notes + Forced, reedy, and most sadly often flat; + 'Tis folly to compare her with the great + Full-voiced and plenteous Parepa. Now + Dismiss me if thou wilt." + +_MacStrakosch_. + + "Sacrilegious wretch! I have thy name + Upon my tablets. Thy official head + Comes off at once. Call up, ye midnight hags, + Another of these villains." + +_Thunder. Fourth apparition of a critic rises. + +Apparition_. + + "Her acting, like her voice, is cold and hard; + Not thus did GRISI, GAZZANIGA or + CORTESI act when their warm Southern blood + Throbbed in the passionate pulse of VIOLETTA, + NORMA, or the Spanish LEONORE. + Dismiss me, quick." + +_MacStralosch_. + + "Thon diest ere to-morrow's sun shall set, + Or never more advertisement of mine + Shall grace the columns of thy journal. Next." + +_Thunder. Fifth apparition of a critic rises. + +Apparition_. + + "She in the same in everything she sings; + Her 'Gilda,' her 'Amina,' or her 'Marguerite,' + Her 'Leonora,' or her 'Daughter of + The Regiment,' are one and all the same + Fair lady decked in different stage costumes. + Better dismiss me, now. I've told the truth, + And may continue that unseemly practice." + +_MacStrakosch_. + + "This is past bearing. Are there any more + Of these rude fellows waiting to be summoned?" + +_Thunder. Eight apparitions of critics rise and pass over the stage, +reciting the following chorus: + +Apparitions_. + + "She has a pretty little voice, and uses it + In pretty little ways. If she would sing + In pretty little theatres she'd make a hit + In pretty little parts. That's everything + That can be said for her. Cease then to claim + That "KELLOGG" should be writ next GRISI'S name." + +_The apparitions vanish. An alarm of drums is heard, and_ MATADOR +_awakes to find that he is still enduring Poliuto, and that a sporadic +drum in the orchestra, which has broken loose from the weak restraints +of the conductor's discipline, is making Verdi unnecessarily hideous._ + +And as he passed once more and finally through the lobby, he heard a +critic remark, "She is the same in everything she sings;" and another +reply, "Yes, she has a pretty little voice, and uses it nicely, but she +is by no means a great singer." Struck by the similarity of these +remarks to those made by the apparitions in his vision, he began to +doubt whether his dream did not, after all, contain a large alloy of +truth, and the more he thought on the subject the more he was led to +believe that for once he had really heard the critics of the New York +press indulging in an unrestrained expression of honest opinion. + +MATADOR + + * * * * * + +~Bingham on Rome.~ + +"Talk to me at this time of day about Borne being the Mother of Arts!" +cries Mr. BUNCOMBE BINGHAM, M.C. PUNCHINELLO fervently hopes that at no +time of the day will anybody ever talk to BINGHAM about Borne being the +Mother of Arts. The reason therefor is obvious. "Why, sir," says +BINGHAM, "there is more of that genius which makes even the marble itself +wear the divine beauty of life, more of that power to-day in living +America, than was ever dreamed of in Rome, living or dead!" We think we +hear BINGHAM exclaim, with the gladiator-like championship of Art for +which he is renowned--"Bring on your MICHAEL ANGELOS; produce your +CHIAROSCUROS, your MASANIELLOS, your SAVONAROLAS and the rest of +'em--but show me a match for VINNIE REAM!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ~PERSIFLAGE.~ + +Jenkins (_Chaffing glazier, who is mending basement window_.) "NOW, MY +FRIEND, TRY TO GET OUT THAT WAY. YOU KNOW YOU MUST HAVE BEEN PUT IN FOR +_something_, AND YOU'LL ONLY AGGRAVATE MATTERS IF YOU TRY TO BREAK +JAIL."] + + * * * * * + +~Chinopathy.~ + +Did the gentleman who threw a brick at a dog on a very hot day (when no +doubt that inoffensive animal was in a stew) imagine that he had hit +upon the whole of the common Chinese _materia medica?_ PUNCHINELLO is +gravely told that a Celestial doctor is about to come to New York, whose +favorite prescriptions, in accordance with Chinese practice, "will be +baked clay-dust, similar to brick-dust and dog-soup." In one of these +remedies the medical acumen of PUNCHINELLO recognizes a homoeopathic +principle. Man having been made out of the dust of the earth, nothing is +so well adapted to cure him as baked clay. Every man's house is now not +only his castle, but his apothecary shop. A brick may be considered a +panacea, and may be carried in the hat. Taken internally, it will go to +the building up of the system. Applied to the head it is good for +fractures. Dog-soup has an evident advantage over the usual +prescriptions of Bark. + + * * * * * + +~Greek Meeting Greek.~ + +We learn that "a naval architect named DUNKIN claims to have constructed +a new style of vessel, impervious to rams, shell, or shot." Now, then, +where is our friend, Captain ERICSSON? The Captain has a torpedo which +he is anxious to explode, near a strong vessel belonging to somebody +else. He says it will blow up anything. DUNIN says nothing can blow up +his vessel. A contest between these very positive inventors would be a +positive luxury--to those who had nothing to risk. We bet on the +torpedo. + + * * * * * + +~The "New Muscle".~ + +It was a mere joke, that stuff about the "new muscle in the human body," +said to have been found by an English anatomist. It simply meant that, +the Oyster Months being past, the "human body" begins to be nourished +with soft-shell clams. + + * * * * * + +~GRAVESTONES FOR SALE.~ + +Bargains in Immortality + +The undersigned offers for sale to the highest bidder, up to Doomsday +next, several choice lots of tombstones. Bidders will state price and +terms of payment, and accepted purchasers will remove the monuments from +their present localities, at their own risk. The lots are: + +1st. A gravestone of white marble. It is about 65 feet square at the +base, and is the frustrum of a pyramid, truncated at about 140 feet. It +is filled with a square hole, upon the sides of which are inscriptions +let into various colored marbles, and in the languages of the peoples +who inhabited a great country ages ago. The stone was designed to be put +over the remains of PRO PATRIA, a personage once celebrated for loyalty +and wisdom, but whose teachings are now well nigh forgotten, and whose +name even is fast being obliterated from the memories of radical +improvers of governments and republican institutions. This lot may be +seen south of the mouth of Goose Creek, in a district called Columbia. + +2d. A gravestone consisting of a square house of Illinois marble, with a +piece of a smoke-stack protruding from the roof. About one-third of the +estimated cost had been expended, when the persons who were to furnish +the means suddenly concluded that the Little Giant could sleep just as +well in a filthy unmarked hole in the ground, as under a pile of marble. +Besides, being dead, he couldn't get any more offices for his +constituents, so they found out they didn't care a cuss for him. Further +information about this stone can be obtained by applying to any citizen +of Chicago. + +3d. A monument which we haven't seen, and so can't describe. It is +supposed to be at Springfield, Illinois, and was intended for a person +once called a railsplitter--a man much homelier than the typical hedge +fence, but as good as homely. He was thought to be a second PRO PATRIA, +MOSES, or some such person, and was sworn by, by millions of people who +would now almost deny ever having heard of him. At the time he went out +everybody wanted to put up a gravestone immediately--almost before he +needed one. Now, everybody isn't altogether enough to provide one. For +further particulars about the Springfield stone, inquire of any red-hot +radical. + +There are some other lots, but we will not offer them until we see how +the present ones go off. + +GHOUL, _Undertaker._ + + * * * * * + +~LATEST ABOUT "LO!"~ + +The Irrepressible Black having been repressed, here comes the +Irrepressible Red! HIAWATHA is cutting up a great variety of capers as +well as of unfortunate settlers. Should you ask us why this bloodshed, +Why this scalping and this burning, Why this conduct most disgraceful, +Why these crimes of the Piegans, Why this sending forth of soldiers, Why +the perils of the railway, known as and called the way Pacific, (which +it won't be if these actions are allowed to go unpunished,) We should +tell you--whiskey! to say nothing of the indomitable propensity which +rises in the Piegan bosom for scalps. The noble Son of the Forest is an +amateur in scalps; as some of us are all for old books and others for +old coins. But however much we may respect the enthusiasm of the wild +Rover of the Plains, in making these collections of cranial curiosities, +we feel that the red virtuoso is really going too far--at least we +should feel so, we have no doubt, if he were taking off our own private +scalp, which is a very handsome one, and which we hope to be buried in. +No; the Piegan passion for scalps must be suppressed. But how? Some say +by more whiskey. Some say by less. Some say by none at all. We are for +the more instead of the less. There is whiskey and whiskey. Now our idea +would be to send an unlimited supply of the more deadly variety of that +exhilarating fluid, (highly camphened,) to the convivial Piegans. After +an extensive debauch upon this potent tipple, very few Piegans would be +likely to take the field, either this summer or any other. They would be +Dead Reds, every rascal of them. + + * * * * * + +Extraordinary Bargains + +In + +REAL INDIA, CASHMERE AND SUMMER SHAWLS, + +Paris and Domestic Made Silk Cloaks, + +_Embroidered Breakfast Jackets, in +all Colors,_ + +CHILDREN'S & MISSES' SACKS, + +Ladies' Spring and Summer Suits in SILK, +POPLIN, PONGEES, SERGES, PIQUE, +SWISS LAWN, LINENS, Colored +and Plain CAMBRICS. + +Children's and Misses' White and +Colored Pique Suits. + +Ladies', Children's and Infants' Underwear, +&c., in Every Style. + +A.T. Stewart & CO., + +Broadway, 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Sts. + + * * * * * + +A. T. STEWART & CO. + +Are offering + +an IMMENSE VARIETY OF NOVELTIES in + +SILKS, SILK TISSUES, POPLINS, +PLAIN AND BROCHE BAREGES. + +_Paris Quality Jaconets, Organdies, Percales, +Piques, Pattern Costumes, Morning +Dresses._ + +Every Variety of Goods Suitable for Mourning. + +HOSIERY. + +Alexandre's Celebrated Kid Gloves, In new +Shades of Color, at extremely +attractive prices. + +BROADWAY, + +4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. + + * * * * * + +A. T. STEWART & CO. + +Offer the balance of their stock of + +Trimmed Bonnets and Hats, + +Paris and Domestic made. + +FLOWERS, FEATHERS, + +Trimming Ribbons, Sash Ribbons, Neckties, +&c., at greatly Reduced Prices. + +Novelties in + +Muslin and Lawn Sundowns, + +BLACK AND WHITE CHIP HATS, ETC. + +The Latest styles. + +BROADWAY, + +4th Ave., 9th and 10th Sts. + + * * * * * + +SPECIAL + +PUNCHINELLO PREMIUMS. + +By special arrangement with + +L. PRANG & CO., + +we offer the following Elegant Premiums for new Subscribers to +PUNCHINELLO: + +"Awakening." (A Litter of Puppies.) Half Chromo, size, +8 3-8 by 11 1-8, price $2.00, and a copy of PUNCHINELLO for +one year, for $4.00. + +"Wild Roses." Chromo, 12 1-8 by 9, price $3.00, or any +other $3.00 Chromo, and a copy of the paper for one year for +$5.00. + +"The Baby in Trouble." Chromo, 13 by 16 1-4, +price $6.00 or any other at $6.00, or any two Chromos at $3.00, +and a copy of the paper for one year, for $7.00. + +"Sunset,--California Scenery," after A. Bierstadt, +18 1-8 by 12, price $10.00, or any other $10.00 Chromo, and +a copy of the paper for one year for $10.00. Or the four Chromos, +and four copies of the paper for one year in one order, for +clubs of FOUR, for $23.00. + +We will send to any one a printed list of L. PRANG & CO.'S +Chromos, from which a selection can be made, if the above is not +satisfactory, and are prepared to make special terms for clubs to +any amount, and to agents. + +Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty +cents per year, or five cents per quarter in advance; the CHROMOS +will be _mailed free_ on receipt of money. + +Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank +Checks on New-York, or Registered letters. The paper will be +sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise +ordered. + +Now is the time to subscribe, as these Premiums will be offered +for a limited time only. On receipt of a postage-stamp we will +send a copy of No. 1 to any one desiring to get up a club. + +Address + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +P. O. BOX 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New-York. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LOUIS NAPOLEON SMOKES HIS PIPE OF PEACE.] + + * * * * * + +"The Printing House of the United States." + +GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., + +General JOB PRINTERS, + +BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, +STATIONERS Wholesale and Retail, +LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers, +COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, +CARD Manufacturers, +ENVELOPE Manufacturers, +FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. + +163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., +73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New-York. + +ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under immediate +supervision of the proprietors. + + * * * * * + +Bowling Green Savings-Bank, + +33 BROADWAY, + +NEW-YORK. + +Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M. + + +Deposit of any sum from Ten Cents to Ten +Thousand Dollars, will be received. + + +Six Per Cent Interest, Free of +Government Tax. + + +INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS + +Commences on the first of every month. + +HENRY SMITH, _President_. + +REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary_. + +WALTER ROCHE,) +EDWARD HOGAN,) _Vice-Presidents_. + + * * * * * + +SARATOGA "A" SPRING WATER. + +A POSITIVE CURE FOR HEADACHE!--A GREAT +REMEDY FOR INDIGESTION AND DYSPEPSIA.-- + +Keeps the blood cool and regulates the stomach. Persons subject to headache +can insure themselves freedom from this malady by drinking it liberally in +the morning before breakfast. + +Sold by JOHN F. HENRY, at the U.S. Family Medical Depot, 8 College Place, +New-York. + + * * * * * + +PRANG'S CHROMOS are celebrated for their close resemblance to oil +paintings. Sold in all Art Stores throughout the world. + +PRANG'S LATEST CHROMOS: "Four Seasons," by J. M. Hart. Illustrated +catalogues sent free on receipt of stamp by + +L. PRANG & CO., Boston. + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO. + +With a large and varied experience in the management and publication of a +paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the still more positive +advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the undertaking, the + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. + +OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK. + +Presents to the public for approval, the new + +ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL + +WEEKLY PAPER. + +PUNCHINELLO, + +The first number of which was issue under date of Apr 2. + +PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humourous and witty without +vulgarity, and a satirical without malice. It will be printed on a superior +tinted paper of sixteen pages size 13 by 9, and will be for sale by all +respectable news-dealers who have the judgment to know a good thing when +they see it, or by subscription from this office. + +ORIGINAL ARTICLES, + +Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive ideas or +sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the day, are always +acceptable and will be paid for liberally. + +Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage stamps are +inclosed. + +TERMS: + +One copy, per year, in advance $4 00 +Single copies 10 + A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the +receipt of ten cents. +One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other + magazine or paper, price $2.50, for 5 50 +One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for 7 00 + +All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +No. 83 Nassau Street, + +P.O. Box, 27383, NEW YORK + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +The New Burlesque Serial, + +Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO, + +By + +ORPHEUS C. KERR, + +Commenced in this number, will be continued weekly throughout the year. + +A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, with superb +illustrations of + +1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW +JERSEY. + +2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken as he appears +"Every Saturday." will also be found in this number. + +Single Copies, FOR SALE BY ALL NEWSMEN, (OR MAILED FROM THIS OFFICE, FREE,) +Ten Cents. + +Subscription for One Year, one copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4. + +Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new serial, which +promises to be the best ever written by ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe +now, to insure its regular receipt weekly. + +We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one who wishes to +see them, in view of subscribing, on the receipt of SIXTY CENTS. + +Address, + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY + +P.O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau St., New York. + + * * * * * + +Geo. W. Wheat, Printer, No. 8 Spruce Street. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 11, June 11, +1870, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 11 *** + +This file should be named 7p11110.txt or 7p11110.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 7p11111.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 7p11110a.txt + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra Brown and PG Distributed Proofreaders + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 11, June 11, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: December, 2005 [EBook #9545] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on October 7, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 11 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra Brown and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + + + +CONANT'S + +PATENT BINDERS + +FOR + +"PUNCHINELLO," + +to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent, post-paid, +on receipt of One Dollar, by + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +83 Nassau Street, New York City. + + * * * * * + +TO NEWS-DEALERS. + +PUNCHINELLO'S MONTHLY. + +The Weekly Numbers for May, + +Bound in a Handsome Cover, + +Is Now Ready. Price, Fifty Cents. + +THE TRADE + +Supplied by the + +AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, + +Who are now prepared to receive Orders. + + * * * * * + +HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S + +STEEL PENS. + +These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper than any other +Pen in the market. Special attention is called to the following grades, as +being better suited for business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The + +"5O5," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," + +we recommend for Bank and Office use. + +D. APPLETON & CO., + +Sole Agents for United States. + + * * * * * + +[Sidenote: See 15th page for Extra Premiums.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Vol. I No. 11.] + +PUNCHINELLO + +SATURDAY, JUNE 11, 1870. + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, + +By ORPHEUS C. KERR, + +In this Number and will be continued Weekly + + * * * * * + +APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN + +"PUNCHINELLO" + +SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO + +J. NICKERSON, + +ROOM No. 4, + +No. 83 Nassau Street + + * * * * * + +DIBBLEEANIA, + +and + +Japonica Juice + +FOR THE HAIR. + +The most effective Soothing and Stimulating Compounds +ever offered to the public for the + +Removal of Scarf, Dandruff, &c. + +For consultation, apply at + +WILLIAM DIBBLEE'S, + +Ladies' Hair Dresser and Wig Maker. + +854 BROADWAY, N. Y. City. + + * * * * * + +FURNITURE + +E. W. HUTCHINGS & SON, + +Manufacturers of + +Rich and Plain Furniture + +AND DECORATIONS. + +Nos. 99 and 101 Fourth Avenue, + +Formerly 475 Broadway, + +(Near A. T. Stewart & Co.'s.) NEW YORK + +Where a general assortment can be had at moderate prices. + +_Wood Mantels, Pier and Mantel Frames and Wainscoting +made to order from designs_ + + * * * * * + +PHELAN & COLLENDER, + +MANUFACTURERS OF + +STANDARD AMERICAN BILLIARD TABLES, + +WAREROOMS AND OFFICE, + +738 BROADWAY, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +NEW YORK CITIZEN + +and + +ROUND TABLE, + +A Literary, Political, and Sporting paper + +with the beat writers in each department. Published every +Saturday. + +PRICE, TEN CENTS. + +32 Beekman Street + + * * * * * + +WEVILL & HAMMAR, + +Wood Engravers + +208 BROADWAY + +NEW YORK + + * * * * * + +Thomas J. Rayner & Co., + +29 Liberty Street, New York, + +MANUFACTURERS OF THE + +FINEST CIGARS + +_Made in the United States._ + +All sizes and styles. Prices very moderate. Samples sent +to any responsible house. Also importers of the + +"FUSBOS" BRAND, + +Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and, +from ten to twenty per cent cheaper. + +_Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money +by calling at_ + +No. 29 LIBERTY STREET. + + * * * * * + +ERIE RAILWAY. + +TRAINS LEAVE DEPOTS + +Foot of Chambers Street + +and + +Foot of Twenty-Third Street, + +AS FOLLOWS: + +Through Express Trains leave Chambers Street at 8 A.M., 10 A.M., 5:30 P.M., +and 7:00 P.M., (daily); leave 23d Street at 7:45 A.M., 9:45 A.M., and 5:15 +and 6:45 P.M. (daily.) New and improved Drawing-Room Coaches will accompany +the 10:00 A.M. train through to Buffalo, connecting at Hornellsville with +magnificent Sleeping Coaches running through to Cleveland and Galion. +Sleeping Coaches will accompany the 8:00 A.M. train from Susquehanna to +Buffalo, the 5:30 P.M. train from New York to Buffalo, and the 7:00 P.M. +train from New York to Rochester, Buffalo and Cincinnati. An Emigrant train +leaves daily at 7:30 P.M. + +FOR PORT JERVIS AND WAY, *11:30 A.M., and 4:30 P.M., (Twenty-third Street, +*11:15 A.M. and 4:15 P.M.) + +FOR MIDDLETOWN AND WAY, at 3:30 P.M.,(Twenty-third Street, 3:15 P.M.); and, +Sundays only, 8:30 A.M. (Twenty-third Street, 8:15 P.M.) + +FOR GREYCOURT AND WAY, at *8:30 A.M., (Twenty-third Street, 8:15 A.M.) + +FOR NEWBURGH AND WAY, at 8:00 A.M., 3:30 and 4:30 P.M. (Twenty-third Street +7:45 A.M., 3:15 and 4:15 P.M.) + +FOR SUFFERN AND WAY, 5:00 P.M. and 6:00 P.M. (Twenty-third Street, 4:45 and +5:45 P.M.) Theatre Train, *ll:30 P.M. (Twenty-third Street, *11 P.M.) + +FOR PATERSON AND WAY, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at 6:45, 10:15 and +11:45 A.M.; *1:45 3:45, 5:15 and 6:45 P.M. From Chambers Street Depot at +6:45, 10:l5 A.M.; 12 M.; *1:45, 4:00, 5:15 and 6:45 P.M. + +FOR HACKENSACK AND HILLSDALE, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at 8:45 and +11:45 A.M.; $7:15 3:45, $5:15, 5:45, and $6:45 P.M. From Chambers Street +Depot, at 9:00 A.M.; 12:00 M.; $2:l5, 4:00 $5:l5, 6:00, and $6:45 P.M. + +FOR PIERMONT, MONSEY AND WAY, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at +8:45 A.M.; 12:45, {3:l5 4:15, 4:46 and {6:15 P.M., and, Saturdays only, +{12 midnight. From Chambers Street Depot, at 9:00 A.M.; 1:00, {3:30, +4:15, 5:00 and {6:30 P.M. Saturdays, only, {12:00 midnight. + +Tickets for passage and for apartments in Drawing-Room and Sleeping Coaches +can be obtained, and orders for the Checking and Transfer of Baggage may +be left at the + +COMPANY'S OFFICES: + +241, 529, and 957 Broadway. +205 Chambers Street. +Cor. 125th Street & Third Ave., Harlem. +338 Fulton Street, Brooklyn. +Depots, foot of Chambers Street and foot +of Twenty-third Street, New York. +3 Exchange Place. +Long Dock Depot, Jersey City, +And of the Agents at the principal Hotels + +WM. R. BARR, +_General Passenger Agent._ + +L. D. RUCKER, +_General Superintendent._ + +Daily. $For Hackensack only, {For Piermont only. + +May 2D, 1870. + + * * * * * + +MERCANTILE LIBRARY + +Clinton Hall, Astor Place, + +NEW YORK. + +This is now the largest Circulating Library in America, the number of +volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 volumes are added each +month; and very large purchases are made of all new and popular works. +Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each delivery. + +TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP: + +TO CLERKS, $1 INITIATION, $3 ANNUAL DUES. +TO OTHERS, $5 A YEAR. + +Subscriptions Taken for Six Months. + +BRANCH OFFICES + +at + +No. 76 Cedar St., New York, + +and at + +Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth. + + * * * * * + +AMERICAN + +BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, + +AND + +SEWING-MACHINE CO., + +572 and 574 Broadway, New-York. + + +This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on +all the former machines, making, in addition to all work done on best +Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful + +BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES, + +in all fabrics. + +Machine, with finely finished + +OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER + +complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts,$50. This last +is beyond all question the simplest, easiest to manage and to keep in +order, of any machine in the market. Machines warranted, and full +instruction given to purchasers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HENRY SPEAR. PRINTER-LITHOGRAPHER STATIONER +BLANK BOOK MANUFACTURER. 82 WALL ST. NEW YORK.] + + * * * * * + +J. NICKINSON + +begs to announce to the friends of + +"PUNCHINELLO" + +residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has +Made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of + +ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED. + +the same will be forwarded, postage paid. + +Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing Houses +can have the same forwarded by inclosing two stamps. + +OFFICE OF + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. + +83 Nassau Street, + +[P.O. Box 2783.] + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + +[The American Press's Young Gentlemen, when taking their shady literary +walks among the Columns of Interesting Matter, have been known to +remark--with a glibness and grace, by Jove, greatly in excess of their +salaries--that the reason why we don't produce great works of +imagination in this country, as they do in other countries, is because +we haven't the genius, you know. They think--do they?--that the +bran-new localities, post-office addresses, and official titles, +characteristic of the United States of America, are rife with all the +grand old traditional suggestions so useful in helping along the +romantic interest of fiction. They think--do they?--that if an American +writer could write a Novel in the exact style of COLLINS, or TROLLOPE, +or DICKENS: only laying its scenes and having its characters in this +country; the work would be as romantically effective as one by COLLINS, +or TROLLOPE, or DICKENS; and that the possibly necessary incidental +mention of such native places as Schermerhorn Street, Dobb's Ferry, or +Chicago, _wouldn't_ disturb the nicest dramatic illusion of the +imaginative tale. Very well, then! All right! Just look here!--O A.P's +Young Gentlemen, just look here--] + + + + +CHAPTER I. + + +DAWNATION. + + +A modern American Ritualistic Spire! How can the modern American +Ritualistic Spire be here! The well-known tapering brown Spire, like a +closed umbrella on end? How can that be here? There is no rusty rim of a +shocking bad hat between the eye and that Spire in the real prospect. +What is the rusty rim that now intervenes, and confuses the vision of at +least one eye? It must be an intoxicated hat that wants to see, too. It +is so, for ritualistic choirs strike up, acolytes swing censers +dispensing the heavy odor of punch, and the ritualistic rector and his +gaudily robed assistants in alb, chasuble, maniple and tunicle, intone a +_Nux Vomica_ in gorgeous procession. Then come twenty young clergymen in +stoles and birettas, running after twenty marriageable young ladies of +the congregation who have sent them worked slippers. Then follow ten +thousand black monkies swarming all over everybody and up and down +everything, chattering like fiends. Still the Ritualistic Spire keeps +turning up in impossible places, and still the intervening rusty rim of +a hat inexplicably clouds one eye. There dawns a sensation as of +writhing grim figures of snakes in one's boots, and the intervening +rusty rim of the hat that was not in the original prospect takes a +snake-like--But stay! Is this the rim of my own hat tumbled all awry? I' +mushbe! A few reflective moments, not unrelieved by hiccups, mush be +d'voted to co'shider-ERATION of th' posh'bil'ty. + +Nodding excessively to himself with unspeakable gravity, the gentleman +whose diluted mind has thus played the Dickens with him, slowly arises +to an upright position by a series of complicated manoeuvres with both +hands and feet; and, having carefully balanced himself on one leg, and +shaking his aggressive old hat still farther down over his left eye, +proceeds to take a cloudy view of his surroundings. He is in a room +going on one side to a bar, and on the other side to a pair of glass +doors and a window, through the broken panes of which various musty +cloth substitutes for glass ejaculate toward the outer Mulberry Street. +Tilted back in chairs against the wall, in various attitudes of +dislocation of the spine and compound fracture of the neck, are an +Alderman of the ward, an Assistant-Assessor, and the lady who keeps the +hotel. The first two are shapeless with a slumber defying every law of +comfortable anatomy; the last is dreamily attempting to light a stumpy +pipe with the wrong end of a match, and shedding tears, in the dim +morning ghastliness, at her repeated failures. + +"Thry another," says this woman, rather thickly, to the gentleman +balanced on one leg, who is gazing at her and winking very much. "Have +another, wid some bitters." + +He straightens himself extremely, to an imminent peril of falling over +backward, sways slightly to and fro, and becomes as severe in expression +of countenance as his one uncovered eye will allow. + +The woman falls back in her chair again asleep, and he, walking with one +shoulder depressed, and a species of sidewise, running gait, approaches +and poises himself over her. + +"What vision can _she_ have?" the man muses, with his hat now fully upon +the bridge of his nose. He smiles unexpectedly; as suddenly frowns with +great intensity; and involuntarily walks backward against the sleeping +Alderman. Him he abstractedly sits down upon, and then listens intently +for any casual remark he may make. But one word comes-- +"Wairzernat'chal'zationc'tif'kits." + +"Unintelligent!" mutters the man, weariedly; and, rising dejectedly from +the Alderman, lurches, with a crash, upon the Assistant-Assessor. Him he +shakes fiercely for being so bony to fall on, and then hearkens for a +suitable apology. + +"Warzwaz-yourwifesincome-lash'--lash'-year?" + +A thoughtful pause, partaking of a doze. + +"Unintelligent!" + +Complicatedly arising from the Assessor, with his hat now almost hanging +by an ear, the gentleman, after various futile but ingenious efforts to +face towards the door by turning his head alone that way, finally +succeeds by walking in a circle until the door is before him. Then, with +his whole countenance charged with almost scowling intensity of purpose, +though finding it difficult to keep his eyes very far open, he balances +himself with the utmost care, throws his shoulders back, steps out +daringly, and goes off at an acute slant toward the Alderman again. +Recovering himself by a tremendous effort of will and a few wild +backward movements, he steps out jauntily once more, and can not stop +himself until he has gone twice around a chair on his extreme left and +reached almost exactly the point from which he started the first time. +He pauses, panting, but with the scowl of determination still more +intense, and concentrated chiefly in his right eye. Very cautiously +extending his dexter hand, that he may not destroy the nicety of his +perpendicular balance, he points with a finger at the knob of the door, +and suffers his stronger eye to fasten firmly upon the same object. A +moment's balancing, to make sure, and then, in three irresistible, +rushing strides, he goes through the glass doors with a burst, without +stopping to turn the latch, strikes an ash-box on the edge of the +sidewalk, rebounds to a lamp-post, and then, with the irresistible rush +still on him, describes a hasty wavy line, marked by irregular +heel-strokes, up the street. + +That same afternoon, the modern American Ritualistic Spire rises in +duplicate illusion before the multiplying vision of a traveller recently +off the ferry-boat, who, as though not satisfied with the length of his +journey, makes frequent and unexpected trials of its width. The bells +are ringing for vesper service; and, having fairly made the right door +at last, after repeatedly shooting past and falling short of it, he +reaches his place in the choir and performs voluntaries and +involuntaries upon the organ, in a manner not distinguishable from +almost any fashionable church-music of the period. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + + +A DEAN, AND A CHAP OR TWO ALSO. + + +Whosoever has noticed a party of those sedate and Germanesquely +philosophical animals, the pigs, scrambling precipitately under a gate +from out a cabbage-patch toward nightfall, may, perhaps, have observed, +that, immediately upon emerging from the sacred vegetable preserve, a +couple of the more elderly and designing of them assumed a sudden air of +abstracted musing, and reduced their progress to a most dignified and +leisurely walk, as though to convince the human beholder that their +recent proximity to the cabbages had been but the trivial accident of a +meditative stroll. + +Similarly, service in the church being over, and divers persons of +piggish solemnity of aspect dispersing, two of the latter detach +themselves from the rest and try an easy lounge around toward a side +door of the building, as though willing to be taken by the outer world +for a couple of unimpeachable low-church gentlemen who merely happened +to be in that neighborhood at that hour for an airing. + +The day and year are waning, and the setting sun casts a ruddy but not +warming light upon two figures under the arch of the side door; while +one of these figures locks the door, the other, who seems to have a +music book under his arm, comes out, with a strange, screwy motion, as +though through an opening much too narrow for him, and, having poised a +moment to nervously pull some imaginary object from his right boot and +hurl it madly from him, goes unexpectedly off with the precipitancy and +equilibriously concentric manner of a gentleman in his first private +essay on a tight-rope. + +"Was that Mr. BUMSTEAD, SMYTHE?" + +"It wasn't anybody else, your Reverence." + +"Say 'his identity with the person mentioned scarcely comes within the +legitimate domain of doubt,' SMYTHE--to Father Dean, the younger of the +piggish persons softly interposes, + +"Is Mr. BUMSTEAD unwell, SMYTHE?" + +"He's got 'em bad to-night." + +"Say 'incipient cerebral effusion marks him especially for its prey at +this vesper hour.' SMYTHE--to Father DEAN," again softly interposes Mr. +SIMPSON, the Gospeler. + +"Mr. SIMPSON," pursues Father DEAN, whose name has been modified, by +various theological stages, from its original form of Paudean, to Pere +DEAN--Father DEAN, "I regret to hear that Mr. BUMSTEAD is so delicate in +health; you may stop at his boarding-house on your way home, and ask him +how he is, with my compliments." _Pax vobiscum_. + +Shining so with a sense of his own benignity that the retiring sun gives +up all rivalry at once and instantly sets in despair, Father DEAN +departs to his dinner, and Mr. SIMPSON, the Gospeler, betakes himself +cheerily to the second-floor-back where Mr. BUMSTEAD lives. Mr. BUMSTEAD +is a shady-looking man of about six and twenty, with black hair and +whiskers of the window-brush school, and a face reminding you of the +BOURBONS. As, although lighting his lamp, he has, abstractedly, almost +covered it with his hat, his room is but imperfectly illuminated, and +you can just detect the accordeon on the window-sill, and, above the +mantel, an unfinished sketch of a school-girl. (There is no artistic +merit in this picture; in which, indeed, a simple triangle on end +represents the waist, another and slightly larger triangle the skirts, +and straight-lines with rake-like terminations the arms and hands.) + +"Called to ask how you are, and offer Father DEAN'S compliments," says +the Gospeler. + +"I'm allright, shir!" says Mr. BUMSTEAD, rising from the rug where he +has been temporarily reposing, and dropping his umbrella. He speaks +almost with ferocity. + +"You are awaiting your nephew, EDWIN DROOD?" + +"Yeshir." As he answers, Mr. BUMSTEAD leans languidly far across the +table, and seems vaguely amazed at the aspect of the lamp with his hat +upon it. + +Mr. SIMPSON retires softly, stops to greet some one at the foot of the +stairs, and, in another moment, a young man fourteen years old enters +the room with his carpet-bag. + +"My dear boys! My dear EDWINS!" + +Thus speaking, Mr. BUMSTEAD sidles eagerly at the new comer, with open +arms, and, in falling upon his neck, does so too heavily, and bears him +with a crash to the ground. + +"Oh, see here! this is played out, you know," ejaculates the nephew, +almost suffocated with travelling-shawl and BUMSTEAD. + +Mr. BUMSTEAD rises from him slowly and with dignity. + +"Excuse me, dear EDWIN, I thought there were two of you." + +EDWIN DROOD regains his feet with alacrity and casts aside his shawl. + +"Whatever you thought, uncle, I am still a single man, although your way +of coming down on a chap was enough to make me beside myself. Any grub, +JACK?" + +With a check upon his enthusiasm and a sudden gloom of expression +amounting almost to a squint, Mr. BUMSTEAD motions with his whole right +side toward an adjacent room in which a table is spread, and leads the +way thither in a half-circle. + +"Ah, this is prime!" cries the young fellow, rubbing his hands; the +while he realizes that Mr. BUMSTEAD'S squint is an attempt to include +both himself and the picture over the mantel in the next room in one +incredibly complicated look. + +Not much is said during dinner, as the strength of the boarding-house +butter requires all the nephew's energies for single combat with it, and +the uncle is so absorbed in a dreamy effort to make a salad with his +hash and all the contents of the castor, that he can attend to nothing +else. At length the cloth is drawn, EDWIN produces some peanuts from his +pocket and passes some to Mr. BUMSTEAD, and the latter, with a wet towel +pinned about his head, drinks a great deal of water. + +"This is Sissy's birthday, you know, JACK," says the nephew, with a +squint through the door and around the corner of the adjoining apartment +toward the crude picture over the mantel, "and, if our respective +respected parents hadn't bound us by will to marry, I'd be mad after +her." + +Crack. On EDWIN DROOD'S part. + +Hic. On Mr. BUMSTEAD'S part. + +"Nobody's dictated a marriage for you, JACK. _You_ can choose for +yourself. Life for _you_ is still fraught with freedom's intoxicating--" + +Mr. BUMSTEAD has suddenly become very pale, and perspires heavily on the +forehead. + +"Good Heavens, JACK! I haven't hurt your feelings?" + +Mr. BUMSTEAD makes a feeble pass at him with the water-decanter, and +smiles in a very ghastly manner. + +"Lem me be a mis'able warning to you, EDWIN," says Mr. BUMSTEAD, +shedding tears. + +The scared face of the younger recalls him to himself, and he adds: +"Don't mind me, my dear boys. It's cloves; you may notice them on my +breath. I take them for nerv'shness." Here he rises in a series of +trembles to his feet, and balances, still very pale, on one leg. + +"You want cheering up," says EDWIN DROOD, kindly. + +"Yesh--cheering up. Let's go and walk in the graveyard," says Mr. +BUMSTEAD. + +"By all means. You won't mind my slipping out for half a minute to the +Alms House to leave a few gum-drops for Sissy? Rather spoony, JACK." + +Mr. BUMSTEAD almost loses his balance in an imprudent attempt to wink +archly, and says, "Norring-half-sh'-shweet-'n-life." He is very thick +with EDWIN DROOD, for he loves him. + +"Well, let's skedaddle, then." + +Mr. BUMSTEAD very carefully poises himself on both feet, puts on his hat +over the wet towel, gives a sudden horrified glance downward toward one +of his boots, and leaps frantically over an object. + +"Why, that was only my cane," says EDWIN. + +Mr. BUMSTEAD breathes hard, and leans heavily on his nephew as they go +out together. + +(_To be Continued._) + + + * * * * * + + +~JUMBLES~ + + +PUNCHINELLO has heard, of course, of the good time coming. It has not +come yet. It won't come till the stars sing together in the morning, +after going home, like festive young men, early. It won't come till +Chicago has got its growth in population, morals and ministers. It won't +come till the women are all angels, and men are all honest and wise; not +until politicians and retailers learn to tell the truth. You may think +the Millennium a long way off. Perhaps so. But mighty revolutions are +sometimes wrought in a mighty fast time. Many a fast man has been known +to turn over a new leaf in a single night, and forever afterwards be +slow. Such a thing is dreadful to contemplate, but it has been. Many a +vain woman has seen the folly of her ways at a glance, and at once gone +back on them. This is _not_ dreadful to contemplate, since to go back on +folly is to go onward in wisdom. The female sex is not often guilty of +this eccentricity, but instances have been known. It is that which fills +the proud bosom of man with hope and consolation, and makes him feel +really that woman is coming; which is all the more evident since she +began her "movement." The good time coming is nowhere definitely named +in the almanacs. The goings and comings of the heavenly bodies, from the +humble star to the huge planet, are calculated with the facility of the +cut of the newest fashion; and the revolutions of dynasties can be fixed +upon with tolerable certainty; but the period of the good time coming is +lost in the mists of doubt and the vapors of uncertainty. It is very +sure in expectancy, like the making of matrimonial matches. Everybody is +looking for it, but nobody sees it. The sharpest of eyes only discern +the bluest and gloomiest objects. But PUNCHINELLO may reasonably expect +to see, feel and know, this good time. The coming will yet be to it the +time come. Perhaps it will be when it visits two hundred thousand +readers weekly, when mothers sigh, children cry, and fathers well-nigh +die for it. At all events, somewhen or other--it may be the former +period, but possibly the latter--the good time _will_ come. And great +will be the coming thereof, with no discount to the biggest or richest +man out. + +What a luxury is Hope! It springs eternal in the human breast. Rather an +awkward place for a spring, but as poets know more than other people, no +doubt it is all right. Hope is an institution. What is the White House, +or the Capitol at Washington, to Hope? What is the Central Park, or +Boston Common, or the Big Organ, to Hope? Not much--not anything, like +the man's religion, to speak of. Hope bears up many a man, though it +pays no bills to the grocer, milliner, tailor, or market man. It is the +vertebra which steadies him plumb up to a positive perpendicular. A +hopeless man or woman--how fearful! They very soon become +round-shouldered, limp and weak, and drink little but unsizable sighs, +and feed on all manner of dark and unhealthy things. It is TODD'S +deliberate opinion that if a cent can't be laid up, Hope should. Hope +with empty pockets is rich compared to wealth with "nary a" hope. Hope +is a good thing to have about the house. It always comes handy, and is +acceptable even to company. So believes, and he acts on the faith, does + +TIMOTHY TODD. + + * * * * * + + +~Capitol Punishment.~ + + +Abolition of the franking privilege. + + * * * * * + +~SKETCH OF ORPHEUS C. KERR.~ + +[Illustration: RESIDENCE OF THE ADAPTER: BEGAD'S HILL, TICKNOR'S FIELDS, +NEW JERSEY.] + +It is now nearly a twelfth of a century since the veracious Historian of +the imperishable Mackerel Brigade first manoeuvred that incomparably +strategical military organization in public, and caused it to illustrate +the fine art of waging heroic war upon a life-insurance principle. +Equally renowned in arms for its feats and legs, and for being always on +hand when any peculiarly daring retrograde movement was on foot, this +limber martial body continually fell back upon victory throughout the +war, and has been coming forward with hand-organs ever since. Its +complete History, by the same gentleman who is now adapting the literary +struggles of MR. E. DROOD to American minds and matters, was +subsequently issued from the press of CARLETON, in more or less volumes, +and at once attracted profound attention from the author's creditors. +One great American journal said of it: "We find the paper upon which +this production is printed of a most amusing quality." Another observed: +"The binding of this tedious military work is the most humorous we ever +saw." A third added: "In typographical details, the volumes now under +consideration are facetious beyond compare." + +[Illustration: THE ADAPTER AS HE APPEARS EVERY SATURDAY.] + +The present residence of the successful Historian is Begad's Hill, New +Jersey, and, if not existing in SHAKSPEARE'S time, it certainly looks +old enough to have been built at about that period. Its architecture is +of the no-capital Corinthian order; there are mortgages both front and +back, and hot and cold water at the nearest hotel. From the central +front window, which belongs to the author's library, in which he keeps +his Patent Office Reports, there is a fine view of the top of the porch; +while from the rear casements you get a glimpse of blind-shutters which +won't open. It is reported of this fine old place, that the present +proprietor wished to own it even when a child; never dreaming the +mortgaged halls would yet be his without a hope of re-selling. + +Although fully thirty years of age, the owner of Begad's Hill Place +still writes with a pen; and, perhaps, with a finer thoughtfulness as to +not suffusing his fingers with ink than in his more youthful moments of +composition. He is sound and kind in both single and double harness; +would undoubtedly be good to the Pole if he could get there; and, +although living many miles from the city, walks into his breakfast every +morning in the year. Let us, however, + + "No longer seek his virtues to disclose, + Nor draw his frailties from their dread abode." + +but advise PUNCHINELLO'S readers to peruse the "Mystery of Mr. E. +DROOD," for further glimpses of Mr. ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + * * * * * + +~The Fall of Man at the Falls~. + +It is a very lamentable fact that the married people of Niagara have not +attained even the dignity and comfort of insanity. A paragraph informs +us that "The Niagara hotels have already forty-seven men trying to look +as if married for years, and who only succeed in resembling imbeciles." +To a Niagara tourist this must be an Eye-aggravating spectacle. But, +fortunately, none of this class of the Double-Blest will shoot anybody. +They don't look as if they had been married long! They are imbecile, not +insane! + + * * * * * + +~Green and Red~. + +The _Southern Cell_ proposes that the Fenians shall make a new Ireland +of Winnipeg. Except on the principle of Hibernating, PUNCHINELLO cannot +discover why his Irish fellow-citizens are ambitious to winter in the +Red River country. Wouldn't Greenland do as well, and wear better? + + * * * * * + +~TAKE CARE OF THE WOUNDED~ + +Though but one of the Fenian leaders was killed in the late Frontier +Fizzle, yet many of them are reported as being badly wounded--as to +their feelings. General O'NEIL'S feelings are dreadfully hurt by the +ignominy of a constable and a cell, which was a bad Cell for a Celt. The +feelings of General GLEASON (and they must be multitudinous, since he is +nearly seven feet high,) were so badly wounded by circumstances over +which he didn't seem to have any control, that he retired from the field +"in disgust." Mental afflictions, in fact, are so numerous among the +Fenians since their Fizzle, as to suggest the advisability of their +Head-Centre founding a Hospital for Wounded Feelings with the surplus of +the funds wrung by him from simple, hard-working BRIDGET. + + * * * * * + +~Interesting to Bathers~ + +Persons who are drowned while bathing in the surf are said to experience +but little pain. In fact, their Sufferings are short. + + * * * * * + +~Fenian Tactics~. + +The first movement of the Fenians on reaching Canadian soil was to +"throw out their skirmishers into a hop field," where the Hops gathered +by them were of the precipitate and retrogressive kind sometimes traced +to Spanish origin. + + * * * * * + +~THE HOLY GRAIL AND OTHER POEMS.~ + + +(This is one of the other Poems.) + + +BY A HALF-RED DENIZEN OF THE WEST. + + + SIR PELLEAS, lord of many a barren isle, + On his front stoop at eventide, awhile, + Sat solemn. His mother, on a stuel, + At the crannied hearth prepared his gruel. + + "Mother!" he cried, "I love!" Said she, "Ah, who?" + "I know not, mother dear," he said, "Do you? + I only know I love all maidens fair; + My special maid, I have not seen, I swear. + Perhaps she's fair as Arthur's queenly saint; + And pure as she--and then, perhaps she ain't." + + Turned then his mother from the hearth-stone hot; + Dropped the black lid upon the gruel-pot. + "I know'd a Qua-aker feller, as often as tow'd me this: + 'Doan't thou marry for munny, but goa wheer munny is!' + She's a beauty, thou thinks--wot'a a beauty? the flower as blaws, + But proputty, proputty sticks, and proputty, proputty graws." + + Then said her son, "If I may make so bold, + You quote the new-style poem, not the old. + The Northern Farmer whom you think so sage + Is not born yet. This is the Middle Age." + + He said no more, and on the next bright day + To Arthur's court he proudly rode away. + And on the way a maiden did he meet, + And laid his heart and fortunes at her feet. + Smiling on him--ETTARRE was her name-- + "Brave knight," she said, "your love I cannot blame. + Your hands are strong. I see you have no brains, + You're just the man for tournaments. Your pains, + In case for me a battle you shall win, + Shall be rewarded," and she smiled like sin. + + PELLEAS glistened with a wild delight; + And good King Arthur soon got up a fight + And on the flat field, by the shore of Usk, + SIR PELLEAS smashed the knights from dawn till dusk. + + Then from his spear--at least he thought he did-- + He shook each mangled corpse, and softly glid, + And crowned ETTARRE Queen of Love and Truth. + She wore the crown and then bescorned the youth. + Now to her castle home would she repair; + And PELLEAS craved that he might see her there. + "Oh, young man from the country!" then said she, + "Shoo fly! poor fool, and don't you bother me!" + She banged her gate behind her, crying "Sold!" + The noble youth was left out in the cold. + + He shoo-ed the fly from the flower-pots, + From blackest moss, he shoo-ed them all. + Shoo-ed them from rusted nails and knots, + That held the peach to the garden-wall; + + And broken sheds, all sad and strange. + He shoo-ed them from the clinking latch, + And from the weeded, ancient thatch, + Upon the lonely moated grange. + + He only said, "This thing is dreary. + She cometh not!" he said. + He said, "I am aweary, aweary, + I wish these flies were dead." + + So PELLEAS made his moan. And every day, + Or moist or dry, he shoo-ed the flies away. + "These be the ways of ladies," PELLEAS saith, + "To those who love them; trials of our faith." + + But ceaseless shoo-ing made the lady mad, + And she called out the best three knights she had, + And charged them, "Charge him! Drive him from the wall! + If he keeps on, we'll have no flies at all!" + And out they came. Each did his level best; + SIR PELLEAS soon killed one and slew the rest. + + A bush of wild marsh-marigold, + That shines in hollows gray, + He cut, and smiling to his love, + He shoo-ed more flies away. + + He clasped his neck with crooked hands; + In the hot sun in lonely lands, + For several days he steady stands. + The wrinkled fly beneath him crawls, + He watches by the castle walls-- + Like thunder then his bush it falls. + +(_To be Continued._) + + * * * * * + +~ASTRONOMICAL CONVERSATIONS.~ + +[BY A FATHER AND DAUGHTER RESIDING ON THE PLANET VENUS.] + +No. IV. + +_D._ Oh, Pa, if we only had a Moon! What is life without one? + +_F._ Well, my child, we've w'iggled along, so far. It is true, our +Telluric friends may be said to have the advantage of us; but then, +there's no lunacy here! Everything is on the square on this planet! + +_D._ I don't care; I want a Moon, square or no square! There's no excuse +for being sentimental here. Who is ever imaginative, right after supper? +And yet Twilight is all the time we have. + +_F._ But still, HELENE, I think our young folks are not really deficient +in sentiment. What they would be, with six or seven moons, like those of +SATURN or URANUS, is frightful to think of! Heavens! what poetry would +spring up, like asparagus, in the genial spring-time! We should see +Raptures, I warrant you! And oh, the frensies, the homicidal energies, +the child-roastings! Yes, Moonshine would make it livelier here, no +doubt. A fine time, truly, for Ogres, with their discriminating +scent!--And what a moony sky! How odd, if one had a parlor with six +windows. + +_D._ Seven would be odder. + +_F._ Well, seven, and a moon looking into each one of 'em! An artist +would perhaps object to the cross-lights, but he needn't paint by them. + +_D._ What kind of "lights" were you speaking of? + +_F._ Satellites. + +_D._ Oh, pshaw! don't tantalize me! + +_F._ Well, cross-lights. + +_D._ Now, pray, what may a cross-light be? An unamiable and inhospitable +light, like that which gleams from the eyes of an astronomer when he is +interrupted in the midst of a calculation? + +_F._ No, nor yet the sarcastic sparkle in the eyes of a witty but +selfish and unfilial young lady! Cross-lights are lights whose rays, +coming from opposite quarters, cross each other. + +_D._ (Then yours and mine are cross-lights, I guess!) If two American +twenty-five cent pieces were to be placed at a distance from each other, +and you stood between them---- + +_F._ My child, I could never come between friends who would gladly see +each other after so long an absence! + +_D._ I was only trying to realize your idea of "light from opposite +quarters." + +_F._ The most of 'em must be far too rusty to reflect light. + +_D._ Oh, I dare say their reflections are heavy enough. + +_F._ And so will mine be, soon, if you go on in that style. + +_D._ Well, pa, I do drivel--that's a fact! Let us turn to something of +more importance. + +_F._ Suppose we now attend the Celestial Bull Fight always going on over +there in the sky. On one side you perceive that gamey _matador,_ ORION +(not the "Gold Beater,") with his club and his lion's skin, _a la +Hercules_. You observe how "unreservedly and unconditionally" he pitches +into the Bull, and how superb is the attitude and ardor of his opponent. +It is a splendid set-to, full of alarming possibilities. Every moment +you expect to see those enormous horns engaged with the bowels of ORION, +or, in default of this, to behold that truculent Club come down, Whack! +on that curly pate! + +_D._ And yet, they don't! + +_F._ True enough,--they don't. It reminds me of one JOHN BULL, and his +familiar _vis-a-vis,_ O'RYAN the Fenian. As the celestial parties have +maintained their portentous attitudes for ages, and nothing has come of +it, so we may look placidly for a similar suspension in the earthly +copy. + +_D._ But their very attitudes are startling! Wasn't ORION something of a +boaster? + +_F._ Oh, yes; he was in the habit of declaring that there wasn't an +animal on earth that he couldn't whip. He got come up with, however. By +the way, ORION was the original Homoeopathist. His proposed +father-in-law, DON OEROPION, having unfortunately put out his eyes, in a +little operation for misplaced affection, he hit on the now famous +principle, which, if fit for HAHNE-MAN, was fit for ORION. He went to +gazing at the sun. What would have destroyed his vision if he had had +any, now restored it when he didn't have any, and his sight became so +keen that he was able to see through OEROPION--though, I believe, he +reinforced his powers of ocular penetration with a pod-auger. + +_D._ (Drivelling again! More Bitters, I guess!) Father, why were the +Pleiades placed in the Head of TAURUS? + +_F._ Well, my child, there are various explanations. On the Earth, they +pretend to say it was meant to signify that the English women are the +finest in the universe--the most sensible, the most charming, the most +virtuous. No wonder, if this is so, we find their sign up there! What +said MAGNUS APOLLO to young IULUS,--"Proceed, youngster, you'll get +there eventually!" And MAG. was right. + +_D._ Pa, why do they say, "the _Seven_ Pleiades," when there are only +six? + +_F._ Well, dear, [_kissing her,_] perhaps there's a vacancy for _you!_ I +expect the Universe will be called in, one of these nights, to admire a +new winking, blinking, and saucy little violet star--the neatest thing +going! But not, I hope, just yet. + +_D._ Boo--hoo--hoo--hoo! + +_F._ Well, hang the Pleiades! Boo--hoo--hoo--too! + + * * * * * + +~Good for Something Better.~ + +We like enthusiasm. We are ourselves quite given to the admiration of +great people, as they, in their turn, we have reason to believe, are +given to admiration of their dear PUNCHINELLO. But when an English +adorer says that he considers "MR. CHARLES SUMNER fit for a throne," we +are tempted to inquire what throne there is fit for _him_? The fact is, +thrones have come to be rather more disreputable than three-legged +stools. "Every inch a king" may mean six feet of mad-man, or five feet +of mad-woman. We sincerely hope that there is no intention in England of +making MR. SUMNER the King of Spain--we mean of abducting him for the +purpose; for of course, he would never voluntarily assume the purple. + + * * * * * + +~The Difference.~ + +Fenian General O'NEILL bore down upon Canada with a martial charge, but +he was sent back in a Marshal's charge. + +[Illustration: AWFUL SCARE OF THE BRITISH LION AT THE ADVANCE OF THE +FENIAN HEAD CENTREPEDE.] + + * * * * * + +~Woman's Right to Ballot and Bullet.~ + +In a speech which sounds like a six-shooter, that deadly woman, Mrs. +F.H.M. BROWN, of San Francisco, gives notice that "when she goes to cast +her ballot, if any man insults her, she will shoot him!" Who will now +dare to question woman's ability to exercise both the franchise and the +franchised? PUNCHINELLO sadly foresees that Shooters for the hands of +women will take the place of Suitors. Nevertheless, he guarantees that +the Constitutional right of women to bear arms shall not be infringed, +and that they shall enjoy the inestimable privilege to shoot and be shot +at. Every woman shall be at perfect liberty to cast her bullet for the +man of her choice! + + * * * * * + +~How to Make Ends Meet.~ + +Miss BRITTAIN delivers a lecture on the High-caste women of India. She +should supplement it with one on the High-strung women of Indiana, and +thus illustrate the extremes of marriage and divorce. + + * * * * * + +~From the Vermont Border.~ + +_Voice._ "Has anything been gained by General O'NEIL?" + +_Echo._ O Nihil! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CABINET ORNAMENT. THE FISH REPRESENTED IS ONE OF THE +UPPER CRUST-ACEA] + + * * * * * + +~The Dominion of King Whiskey.~ + +The London _Illustrated News_ calls the new Province of the Dominion, +Manetoda, instead of Manitobah. Perhaps the mistake originated from the +rumor of the Many Tods by which certain members of the Canadian Cabinet +are said to be habitually inspired. + + * * * * * + +~A Blue-grass Reflection.~ + +Hard, indeed, is the life of the poor trapper of the Plains. Driven by +stress of hunger, he is often obliged to eat rattle-snake; but, as he +cannot eat the head of the reptile, though the tail is good at a pinch, +he fails, you perceive, to make both ends ~Meat.~ + + * * * * * + +~A Bright Idea.~ + +The Hon. JOHN BRIGHT is said to while away the time, in his retirement, +by knitting garters. It seems very strange that such a usurpation of +Woman's Rights should be carried into effect by one of the stoutest +advocates of them. + + * * * * * + +~The Green above the Red, at last.~ + +One of the narrators of the late Fenian fizzle on the Canadian border +describes General O'NEIL as having invaded the Dominion, "mounted on a +small Red horse." + + * * * * * + +~OUR PORTFOLIO.~ + +An exchange, after praising our recent Cartoon representing the +"Barnacles on American Commerce," moves to refer us to the House +Committee on Commerce and Manufactures. PUNCHINELLO never did love the +ways of the Washington Circumlocution Office, but if there is one thing +which he dislikes more than anything else, 'tis the idea of being +pigeonholed by the Committee on Commerce. The uses to which valuable +information is put by that august body of traffickers in public +credulity, are not for us. That we might penetrate their benighted minds +with many rays of knowledge is not to be doubted, but that we should be +snubbed in proportion to the value of our opinions is also equally +clear. There are some pretty dark places in this world: the Black Hole +of Calcutta; the _oubliette_ of Chillon Castle, the Torture Chambers of +Nuremberg, and the grottoes of the Mammoth Cave, for instance; but there +is no such utter exclusion of light, such profound oblivion, such +blackness of darkness, as awaits anything which may be committed to the +dungeon of a Congressional Committee. Most decidedly, therefore, we +would rather not be referred. + + * * * * * + +Learned men in Massachusetts are just now confronted with an alarming +possibility. They have been racking their brains to solve the problem +whether population is increasing there faster than the means of +subsistence, and with the expectation of discovering that it is, they +have reached a precisely opposite result. The awful announcement is put +forth, that the supply of babies is diminishing, and the question "What +shall we do to remedy it?" is asked. So persistently is this +interrogatory urged, that young unmarried men perambulating the streets +of Boston, or sauntering leisurely about the Common, are liable at any +moment to be accosted by advanced single ladies with wild, haggard +looks, who stop them face to face, seize them by the shoulders, and +gazing at them with keen, imploring glances, as if they would read their +souls through their eyes, seem to cry "And what have _you_ got to say +about it, O wifeless youth? and why do _you_ let the precious moments +fly when we are willing and ready to be sacrificed? and what are _we_ +all coming to, and where are _you_ all going to, and where will Boston +be if this thing goes on?" But these thoughtless and jeering bachelors +will not stop to hear the wail of their challengers; they feel no pity +for their despair; they have no stomach for their agony; but go their +ways, leaving the wretched females rooted, transfixed, the picture of +perfect hopelessness, and greeting them, ere they disappear from sight, +with shouts of scoffing laughter, which the winds catch up and carry +away out of earshot. + + * * * * * + +~Something that most People would like a Little Longer.~ + +Strawberry Short Cake. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INTERNATIONAL YACHTING. + +JOHN BULL, NETTLED AT THE DEFEAT OF LITTLE ASHBURY, WHO IS SETTING UP A +HOWL ABOUT IT, ORDERS MASTERS DOUGLAS AND BENNETT AWAY WITH THEIR BOATS, +LEST THEY SHOULD "FOSTER MISCHIEVOUS JEALOUSIES."] + + * * * * * + +~CONDENSED CONGRESS.~ + +SENATE. + +[Illustration: 'I'.] + +In spite of the obstinate silence of SUMNER, the Senate has been lively. +Its first proceeding was to pass a bill--an interminable and long-drawn +bill--ostensibly to enforce the Fifteenth Amendment. But the title is a +little joke. As no single person can read this bill and live, and as no +person other than a member of the bar of Philadelphia could understand +it, if he survived the reading of it, PUNCHINELLO deemed it his duty to +have the bill read by relays of strong men. What, is the result? Six of +his most valued contributors sleep in the valley. But what are their +lives to the welfare of the universe, for which he exists. The bill +provides, + +1. That any person of a darker color than chrome yellow shall hereafter +be entitled to vote to any extent at any election, without reference to +age, sex, or previous condition, anything anywhere to the contrary +notwithstanding. + +2. That any person who says that any such person ought not to vote shall +be punishable by fine to the extent of his possessions, and shall be +anathema. + +3. That any person who shall, with intent to prevent the voting of any +such person, strike such person upon the nose, eye, mouth, or other +feature, within one mile of any place of voting, within one week of any +day of voting, shall be punishable by fine to the extent of twice his +possessions, and shall be disentitled to vote forever after. Moreover he +shall be anathema. + +4. That any person who shall advise any other person to question the +right of any person of the hue hereinbefore specified to vote, or to do +any other act whatsoever, shall be punishable by fine to the extent of +three times his possessions, and shall be anathema. + +5. That all the fines collected under this act shall be expended upon +the endowment of "The Society for Securing the Pursuit of Happiness to +American Citizens of African Descent." And if any person shall call in +question the justice of such a disposition of such fines, he shall be +punishable by fine to the extent of four times his possessions, and +shall be anathema. + +Mr. WILSON objected to anathema. He said nobody in the Senate but SUMNER +knew what it meant. Besides, it was borrowed from the syllabus of a +degraded superstition. He moved to substitute the simple and +intelligible expression, "Hebedam." + +The Senate settled their little dispute about who was entitled to a +medal for coming first to the defence of the Capital. They decided to +give medals to everybody. Mr. CAMERON was satisfied. If the Senate only +medalled enough, that was all he asked. There were about five thousand +wavering voters in his district, whom he thought he could fix, if he +could give them a medal apiece. + +Mr. CONKLING said he would like to medal some men. But he did not like +such meddlesome men as CAMERON. + +Mr. DRAKE moved to deprive anybody in Missouri who differed from him in +politics of practicing any profession. He said that many of the citizens +of that State were incarnate demons--so much so that when they had an +important law case they would rather intrust it to somebody else than +himself. Was this right? He asked the Senate to protect him as a native +industry. + +HOUSE. + +Mr. INGERSOLL floated his powerful mind in air-line railroads. He wanted +"that air" line from Washington to New York. This 'ere line didn't suit +him. He appealed to the House to protect its members from the untold +horrors of passing through Philadelphia. He had no doubt that much of +the imbecility which he remarked in his colleagues, and possibly some of +the imbecility they had remarked in him, were due to this dreadful +ordeal. He admitted that good juleps were to be had at he Mint. But +juleps had beguiled even SAMSON, and cut his hair off. His colleague, +LOGAN, might not be as strong as SAMSON, but he would be as entirely +useless and unimpressive an object with his hair off. + +Then there was a debate upon the proposition to abolish the mission to +Rome. + +Mr. BROOKS said most of his constituents were Roman Catholics. Therefore +there should be a mission to Rome. + +Mr. DAWES said that BROOKS used to be a Know-Nothing. Therefore there +should not be a mission to Rome. + +Mr. COX said that they used to burn witches in Massachusetts. Therefore +there should be a mission to Rome. + +Mr. HOAR said they didn't. Therefore there should not be a mission to +Rome. + +Mr. VOORHEES said they burnt a Roman Catholic Asylum in Boston. +Therefore there should be a mission to Rome. + +Mr. DAWES said they burnt a Negro Asylum in New York. Therefore there +should not be a mission to Rome. + +Mr. VOORHEES said DAWES was another. Therefore there should be a mission +to Rome. + +Mr. BINGHAM said POWELL was a much better painter than TITIAN, and +VINNIE REAM a much better sculptor than MICHAEL ANGELO. Therefore there +should not be a mission to Rome. + +_Republican Chorus._ You are. + +_Democratic Chorus._ We ain't. + +_Republican Chorus._ You did. + +_Democratic Chorus._ We didn't. + +_Solo by the Speaker._ Order. + +_Democratic Chorus._ There should be (_da capo_ with gavel +accompaniment.) + +_Republican Chorus._ There should not be (ditto, ditto.) After weighing +these arguments, the House adjourned without doing anything about it. + + * * * * * + +~A BAD "ODOR" IN THE WEST.~ + +"The Coroner's Jury investigating the Missouri Pacific Railroad +slaughter have found that it was all caused by the disobedience and +negligence of WILLIAM ODOR, conductor of the extra freight +train!"--Daily Paper. + +This "conductor" is as dangerous as some (of the "lightning" species) +which we have seen dangling disjointed from the roofs and walls of +dwelling-houses in the country. At the first shock, good-bye to you! if +you are anywhere around. Or, rather, he may be compared to the miasma +from ditches and stagnant ponds, inhaled at all times by our rustic +fellow citizens, with the trustfulness (if not relish) of the most +extreme simplicity. And yet, it kills them, all the same. No one out +West would have cared a pin about WILLIAM'S "disobedience" and +"negligence," if these trifling eccentricities hadn't occasioned the +killing or maiming of several car-loads of passengers. It is hard to +shock these Western folks' sense of honor and fidelity; but kill a few +of them, and the rest begin to feel it. We suppose that just now this +BILL can't pass there. But, our word for it, he'll soon be in +circulation again. Perhaps he may yet have the pleasure of Conducting +some of _us_ to that Station from which, etc., etc. Before we take our +contemplated trip to the West, therefore, we fervently desire to have +this ODOR neutralised, even though one should do it with strychnine. + + * * * * * + +~INFORMATION WANTED.~ + +The correspondent of a Boston paper writes as follows, after having +visited the _Reichstag_: + +"You may be sure that that man is BISMARCK; if from time to time he +irons out his face wearily with his hands, as he studies a long +document, or if by chance some unlucky member, attracting his disdain, +calls his mind to the fact that he is in Parliament, then he starts to +his feet like a war-horse, and talks with great grace and ease, always +rapidly, always briefly." + +Why is it that BISMARCK irons out his face? Is it because he has just +washed it--or is it to conceal his identity, as the features of the Man +in the Mask were ironed out? + +And why does the great Minister start to his feet like a war-horse? +PUNCHINELLO, not having been an Alderman or Member of Congress, +recently, is not very familiar with the getting up of war horses; but +the ordinary equine animal does not assume the upright posture with +great readiness or grace. If PUNCHINELLO were to become a member of the +_Reichstag,_ an event now highly probable, he would like to have every +adversary in debate "start to his feet like a war-horse." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ILLUSTRATED LITERATURE. + +_Boy (with basket.)_ "WHAT'S THEM PICTERS, JIM?--ANOTHER MURDER, OR A +NEW DIVORCE?" + +_Jim._ "NOT MUCH. ONLY AN OLD EXECUTION,--WARMED OVER!"] + + +~THE ROMAUNT OF THE OYSTER.~ + + In the moonlight at Cattawampus + We sat by the surging sea, + "And O how I long for an oyster," + Said FELICIA FITZ-SNYDER to me. + + Then I said, "Would were mine the power, + Deep, deep, to the deepmost sea + I would fly on the wings of an oyster + To gather a pearl for thee. + + "Where the oysters are roystering together + In the caves and the grots where they lie, + And the clams with a musical clamor + Rejoice when the water is high," + + "O, there would my spirit conduct thee. + Till, as waves began to swell, + Thou shoulds't rise o'er the crest of the billows, + Like a VENUS upon the half-shell!" + + 'Twas enough: for I saw her eye stir, + And ope like an oyster wide, + As in accents hysteric she whispered, + "No, FELIX--I'd like 'em fried!" + + Did she take me, alas! for a friar, + Or a man of a soul austere, + That pearl of my heart's Chincoteague? + Oh, no, she had nothing to fear. + + Then we reached the hotel together + And partook of two plates of fry, + And I marvelled to think than an oyster + Had hoisted her spirits so high. + + * * * * * + +~FOREIGN CORRESPONDENCE.~ + +(By Atlantic Cable.) + +Leaving Rome, I have called next on NAPOLEON, at Paris. He sent word, +through OLLIVIER, that be wanted to see me. He looks _old._ Some medical +man has put forth the idea that he has BRIGHT'S disease. An English +_attache_ just asked me whether that has any reference to JOHN BRIGHT. +As the latter is a Quaker, the first symptom of this disease must have +been shown long ago, when the Emperor said, "The Empire is Peace." I +satisfied my friend, however, that the case was not one of that Kidney. + +Well, the Emperor asked me, "What do they say of me in America?" + +"Sire, we think you are very wise, to accept the inevitable, and make a +virtue of it." + +"Wise, of course. Disinterested, too!" + +"_Pardonnez moi._ Not ever _wise, of course._ Mexico was a folly, you +know." + +"I know; though if you were not PUNCHINELLO, you should not say it. Will +my son reign in France?" + +"Sire, I am not an oracle. But they have a proverb in my country, that +it never rains but it pours." + +"_Je n'entends pas._ The _plebiscite_ was rather a neat thing!" + +"Worthy of its author. The old story; heads I win, tails you lose. But, +will your Majesty say what you think of the Pope?" + +"That old Popinjay! He has been my folly, greater than Mexico. He would +have gone to Gaeta, or to perdition, long ago, but for _Madame!_" + +"And the Council?" + +"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!" + +"What do you think of BISMARCK?" + +"Monsieur, I detain you too long. You have, I am sure, an engagement. +_Bon jour!_" + +_Apropos_ of the Emperor, it is said that, on the suggestion of +England's proposal to take charge of Greece, and clean out the brigands, +if the King and ministers there would resign,--Col. FISK telegraphed on +to NAPOLEON, offering to take charge of the government of France, as a +recreation, among his various engagements. He does not even require the +Emperor to withdraw; be can run the machine about as well with him as +without him. + +As to the _Plebisculum,_ they say that EUGENIE asked for masses to be +said in all the churches for its success. NAPOLEON preferred to make his +appeal to the _masses outside_ of the churches. + +ITALY. + +Bishop VERELLI last week declared, in a sermon, that railroads, +telegraphs, and the press, were all inventions of the devil. A +correspondent of the Tribune at once sent him word that this was a +mistake. HORACE GREELEY had already proved that railroads and telegraphs +were inventions of British Free Trade; and that the press had been +invented by his grandfather, for the promulgation of protection. + +Since the telegram came through Florence, of a serious riot at +Filadelfia, in Italy, a tourist from Penn's city of brotherly love +understood it to be that Col. TOM FLORENCE was seriously hurt in a riot +at Philadelphia! I telegraphed for him, to my old friend the Colonel, +and learned, with satisfaction, that not a hair of TOM'S head had been +shortened. + +ENGLAND. + +In Parliament, an interesting debate occurred the other night. Mr. +DAWSON moved a resolution condemning the raising of large revenue in +India from opium. Mr. WINGFIELD opposed the resolution, arguing that +opium was less hurtful than alcohol. Mr. TITMOUSE, a young member, added +that arsenic is less hurtful than strychnine; also, that this is less +injurious than prussic acid. Mr. GLADSTONE did not see what that had to +do with the case. Neither did I. + +Mr. DENNISON hoped that mere sentiment would not be suffered to +interfere with the prosperity of India. Mr. TITMOUSE then suggested the +sending of the volunteer Rifles to take immediate possession of China; +that would not be sentimental, but practical. Mr. HENLEY believed that +to be a more costly affair than he was prepared for; but, whenever the +interest of England required it, he was ready. What are the lives of a +hundred million Chinese to the financial prosperity of England? Mr. +GLADSTONE considered that opium was merely a drug, after all. It was not +worth while to consume the time of the House about it. And so the +resolution was lost. + +PRIME. + + * * * * * + +~A Mathematical Problem.~ + +If one United States Marshal can capture a Fenian General surrounded by +his army, in five minutes, how long would it take him to capture the +army? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: 'K'] + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +Kant is admitted to be one of the greatest of the German philosophers. +(That fact has nothing whatever to do with the Plays and Shows, but the +artist insisting upon making K the initial letter of this column, the +writer was obliged to begin with Kant--Kelley being hopelessly +associated in the public mind with pig-iron, and all other metaphorical +quays from which he might have launched his weekly bark being +unreasonably spelled with a Q.) + +German philosophy, however, resembles Italian Opera in one particular: +it consists more of sound than of sense. Both have a like effect upon +the undersigned, in that they lead him into the paths of innocence and +peace; in short, they put him to sleep. A few nights since he went to +hear Miss KELLOGG in _Poliuto_. He listened with attention through the +first act, drowsily through the second, and from the shades of dreamland +in the third. Between the acts he lounged in the lobbies and heard the +critics speak with sneering derision of the complimentary notices of the +American Nightingale which they were about to write, while they +expressed, with sardonic smiles, a longing for the day when they would +be "allowed"--such was their singular expression--to "speak the truth +about Miss KELLOGG as a prima donna." And while he sat with closed eyes +during the third act, wondering whether he should believe the critics in +the flesh, or their criticisms in the columns of their respective +journals, he saw rehearsed before him a new operatic perversion of +MACBETH, as unlike the original as even VERDI'S MACBETTO, and quite as +inexplicable to the unsophisticated mind. And this is what he saw: + +_Scene, the Dark Cave in fourteenth street. In the middle a Cauldron +boiling. Thunder--and probably small beer--behind the scenes. Enter +three Witches._ + +_1st Witch_. Thrice the Thomas cat hath yowled. + +_2d Witch_. Thrice; and once the hedge-hog howled. + +_3d Witch_. All of which is wholly irrelevant to our present purpose, +which is to summon what my friend Sir BULWER LYTTON would call the +Scin-Laeca, or, apparition of each living critic from the nasty deep of +the cauldron, and to interview him in order to hear what he really +thinks of Miss KELLOGG. + +_lst Witch_ + "Round about the cauldron go, + In the poisoned whiskey throw + Lager, that on coldest stone, + Days and nights hast thirty one." + +_Enter_ MACSTRAKOSCH. "How now, you secret black and midnight hags, what +is't you do?" + +_All_ "A deed that under present circumstances it would be superfluous +to name." + +_MacStrakosch_. "I conjure you by that which you profess, (how'er you +come to know it,) answer me to what I ask you." + +_lst Witch_. "Speak." + +_2d Witch_. "Proceed." + +_3d Witch_. "Out with it, old boy." + +_MacStrakosch_. "What do these fellows really think, whom we compel to +write so sweetly of our own Connecticut _prima donna_?" + +_All_ + "Come high or low, come jack or even game, + We'll answer all your questions just the same." + +_Thunder. An apparition of a critic rises._ + +_MacStrakosch_. + +"Tell me, thou unknown power, what thinkest thou Of our own native +nightingale?" + +_Apparition_. + + "Her voice is clear and bright, but far too thin + For a great singer.--Such in truth she's not. + Dismiss me!" (_Descends_.) + +_MacStrakosch_. + + "Dismissed thou shalt be if thy editor + Will listen to our singer's and MAECENAS' plaint. + But one word more." + +_Thunder. Second apparition of a critic rises. + +Apparition_. + + "Her voice is good in quality, but then + There's not sufficient of it for a queen + Of the lyric stage. Yet such she claims to be, + But is not. Now dismiss me." (_Descends_.) + +_MacStrakosch_. + + "Yea; and I will unless thy master's ear + Be deaf to the demand of good society. + Let me hear more!" + +_Thunder. Third apparition of a critic rises. + +Apparition_. + + "Her lower notes are bad, her upper notes + Forced, reedy, and most sadly often flat; + 'Tis folly to compare her with the great + Full-voiced and plenteous Parepa. Now + Dismiss me if thou wilt." + +_MacStrakosch_. + + "Sacrilegious wretch! I have thy name + Upon my tablets. Thy official head + Comes off at once. Call up, ye midnight hags, + Another of these villains." + +_Thunder. Fourth apparition of a critic rises. + +Apparition_. + + "Her acting, like her voice, is cold and hard; + Not thus did GRISI, GAZZANIGA or + CORTESI act when their warm Southern blood + Throbbed in the passionate pulse of VIOLETTA, + NORMA, or the Spanish LEONORE. + Dismiss me, quick." + +_MacStralosch_. + + "Thon diest ere to-morrow's sun shall set, + Or never more advertisement of mine + Shall grace the columns of thy journal. Next." + +_Thunder. Fifth apparition of a critic rises. + +Apparition_. + + "She in the same in everything she sings; + Her 'Gilda,' her 'Amina,' or her 'Marguerite,' + Her 'Leonora,' or her 'Daughter of + The Regiment,' are one and all the same + Fair lady decked in different stage costumes. + Better dismiss me, now. I've told the truth, + And may continue that unseemly practice." + +_MacStrakosch_. + + "This is past bearing. Are there any more + Of these rude fellows waiting to be summoned?" + +_Thunder. Eight apparitions of critics rise and pass over the stage, +reciting the following chorus: + +Apparitions_. + + "She has a pretty little voice, and uses it + In pretty little ways. If she would sing + In pretty little theatres she'd make a hit + In pretty little parts. That's everything + That can be said for her. Cease then to claim + That "KELLOGG" should be writ next GRISI'S name." + +_The apparitions vanish. An alarm of drums is heard, and_ MATADOR +_awakes to find that he is still enduring Poliuto, and that a sporadic +drum in the orchestra, which has broken loose from the weak restraints +of the conductor's discipline, is making Verdi unnecessarily hideous._ + +And as he passed once more and finally through the lobby, he heard a +critic remark, "She is the same in everything she sings;" and another +reply, "Yes, she has a pretty little voice, and uses it nicely, but she +is by no means a great singer." Struck by the similarity of these +remarks to those made by the apparitions in his vision, he began to +doubt whether his dream did not, after all, contain a large alloy of +truth, and the more he thought on the subject the more he was led to +believe that for once he had really heard the critics of the New York +press indulging in an unrestrained expression of honest opinion. + +MATADOR + + * * * * * + +~Bingham on Rome.~ + +"Talk to me at this time of day about Borne being the Mother of Arts!" +cries Mr. BUNCOMBE BINGHAM, M.C. PUNCHINELLO fervently hopes that at no +time of the day will anybody ever talk to BINGHAM about Borne being the +Mother of Arts. The reason therefor is obvious. "Why, sir," says +BINGHAM, "there is more of that genius which makes even the marble itself +wear the divine beauty of life, more of that power to-day in living +America, than was ever dreamed of in Rome, living or dead!" We think we +hear BINGHAM exclaim, with the gladiator-like championship of Art for +which he is renowned--"Bring on your MICHAEL ANGELOS; produce your +CHIAROSCUROS, your MASANIELLOS, your SAVONAROLAS and the rest of +'em--but show me a match for VINNIE REAM!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ~PERSIFLAGE.~ + +Jenkins (_Chaffing glazier, who is mending basement window_.) "NOW, MY +FRIEND, TRY TO GET OUT THAT WAY. YOU KNOW YOU MUST HAVE BEEN PUT IN FOR +_something_, AND YOU'LL ONLY AGGRAVATE MATTERS IF YOU TRY TO BREAK +JAIL."] + + * * * * * + +~Chinopathy.~ + +Did the gentleman who threw a brick at a dog on a very hot day (when no +doubt that inoffensive animal was in a stew) imagine that he had hit +upon the whole of the common Chinese _materia medica?_ PUNCHINELLO is +gravely told that a Celestial doctor is about to come to New York, whose +favorite prescriptions, in accordance with Chinese practice, "will be +baked clay-dust, similar to brick-dust and dog-soup." In one of these +remedies the medical acumen of PUNCHINELLO recognizes a homoeopathic +principle. Man having been made out of the dust of the earth, nothing is +so well adapted to cure him as baked clay. Every man's house is now not +only his castle, but his apothecary shop. A brick may be considered a +panacea, and may be carried in the hat. Taken internally, it will go to +the building up of the system. Applied to the head it is good for +fractures. Dog-soup has an evident advantage over the usual +prescriptions of Bark. + + * * * * * + +~Greek Meeting Greek.~ + +We learn that "a naval architect named DUNKIN claims to have constructed +a new style of vessel, impervious to rams, shell, or shot." Now, then, +where is our friend, Captain ERICSSON? The Captain has a torpedo which +he is anxious to explode, near a strong vessel belonging to somebody +else. He says it will blow up anything. DUNIN says nothing can blow up +his vessel. A contest between these very positive inventors would be a +positive luxury--to those who had nothing to risk. We bet on the +torpedo. + + * * * * * + +~The "New Muscle".~ + +It was a mere joke, that stuff about the "new muscle in the human body," +said to have been found by an English anatomist. It simply meant that, +the Oyster Months being past, the "human body" begins to be nourished +with soft-shell clams. + + * * * * * + +~GRAVESTONES FOR SALE.~ + +Bargains in Immortality + +The undersigned offers for sale to the highest bidder, up to Doomsday +next, several choice lots of tombstones. Bidders will state price and +terms of payment, and accepted purchasers will remove the monuments from +their present localities, at their own risk. The lots are: + +1st. A gravestone of white marble. It is about 65 feet square at the +base, and is the frustrum of a pyramid, truncated at about 140 feet. It +is filled with a square hole, upon the sides of which are inscriptions +let into various colored marbles, and in the languages of the peoples +who inhabited a great country ages ago. The stone was designed to be put +over the remains of PRO PATRIA, a personage once celebrated for loyalty +and wisdom, but whose teachings are now well nigh forgotten, and whose +name even is fast being obliterated from the memories of radical +improvers of governments and republican institutions. This lot may be +seen south of the mouth of Goose Creek, in a district called Columbia. + +2d. A gravestone consisting of a square house of Illinois marble, with a +piece of a smoke-stack protruding from the roof. About one-third of the +estimated cost had been expended, when the persons who were to furnish +the means suddenly concluded that the Little Giant could sleep just as +well in a filthy unmarked hole in the ground, as under a pile of marble. +Besides, being dead, he couldn't get any more offices for his +constituents, so they found out they didn't care a cuss for him. Further +information about this stone can be obtained by applying to any citizen +of Chicago. + +3d. A monument which we haven't seen, and so can't describe. It is +supposed to be at Springfield, Illinois, and was intended for a person +once called a railsplitter--a man much homelier than the typical hedge +fence, but as good as homely. He was thought to be a second PRO PATRIA, +MOSES, or some such person, and was sworn by, by millions of people who +would now almost deny ever having heard of him. At the time he went out +everybody wanted to put up a gravestone immediately--almost before he +needed one. Now, everybody isn't altogether enough to provide one. For +further particulars about the Springfield stone, inquire of any red-hot +radical. + +There are some other lots, but we will not offer them until we see how +the present ones go off. + +GHOUL, _Undertaker._ + + * * * * * + +~LATEST ABOUT "LO!"~ + +The Irrepressible Black having been repressed, here comes the +Irrepressible Red! HIAWATHA is cutting up a great variety of capers as +well as of unfortunate settlers. Should you ask us why this bloodshed, +Why this scalping and this burning, Why this conduct most disgraceful, +Why these crimes of the Piegans, Why this sending forth of soldiers, Why +the perils of the railway, known as and called the way Pacific, (which +it won't be if these actions are allowed to go unpunished,) We should +tell you--whiskey! to say nothing of the indomitable propensity which +rises in the Piegan bosom for scalps. The noble Son of the Forest is an +amateur in scalps; as some of us are all for old books and others for +old coins. But however much we may respect the enthusiasm of the wild +Rover of the Plains, in making these collections of cranial curiosities, +we feel that the red virtuoso is really going too far--at least we +should feel so, we have no doubt, if he were taking off our own private +scalp, which is a very handsome one, and which we hope to be buried in. +No; the Piegan passion for scalps must be suppressed. But how? Some say +by more whiskey. Some say by less. Some say by none at all. We are for +the more instead of the less. There is whiskey and whiskey. Now our idea +would be to send an unlimited supply of the more deadly variety of that +exhilarating fluid, (highly camphened,) to the convivial Piegans. After +an extensive debauch upon this potent tipple, very few Piegans would be +likely to take the field, either this summer or any other. They would be +Dead Reds, every rascal of them. + + * * * * * + +Extraordinary Bargains + +In + +REAL INDIA, CASHMERE AND SUMMER SHAWLS, + +Paris and Domestic Made Silk Cloaks, + +_Embroidered Breakfast Jackets, in +all Colors,_ + +CHILDREN'S & MISSES' SACKS, + +Ladies' Spring and Summer Suits in SILK, +POPLIN, PONGEES, SERGES, PIQUE, +SWISS LAWN, LINENS, Colored +and Plain CAMBRICS. + +Children's and Misses' White and +Colored Pique Suits. + +Ladies', Children's and Infants' Underwear, +&c., in Every Style. + +A.T. Stewart & CO., + +Broadway, 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Sts. + + * * * * * + +A. T. STEWART & CO. + +Are offering + +an IMMENSE VARIETY OF NOVELTIES in + +SILKS, SILK TISSUES, POPLINS, +PLAIN AND BROCHE BAREGES. + +_Paris Quality Jaconets, Organdies, Percales, +Piques, Pattern Costumes, Morning +Dresses._ + +Every Variety of Goods Suitable for Mourning. + +HOSIERY. + +Alexandre's Celebrated Kid Gloves, In new +Shades of Color, at extremely +attractive prices. + +BROADWAY, + +4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. + + * * * * * + +A. T. STEWART & CO. + +Offer the balance of their stock of + +Trimmed Bonnets and Hats, + +Paris and Domestic made. + +FLOWERS, FEATHERS, + +Trimming Ribbons, Sash Ribbons, Neckties, +&c., at greatly Reduced Prices. + +Novelties in + +Muslin and Lawn Sundowns, + +BLACK AND WHITE CHIP HATS, ETC. + +The Latest styles. + +BROADWAY, + +4th Ave., 9th and 10th Sts. + + * * * * * + +SPECIAL + +PUNCHINELLO PREMIUMS. + +By special arrangement with + +L. PRANG & CO., + +we offer the following Elegant Premiums for new Subscribers to +PUNCHINELLO: + +"Awakening." (A Litter of Puppies.) Half Chromo, size, +8 3-8 by 11 1-8, price $2.00, and a copy of PUNCHINELLO for +one year, for $4.00. + +"Wild Roses." Chromo, 12 1-8 by 9, price $3.00, or any +other $3.00 Chromo, and a copy of the paper for one year for +$5.00. + +"The Baby in Trouble." Chromo, 13 by 16 1-4, +price $6.00 or any other at $6.00, or any two Chromos at $3.00, +and a copy of the paper for one year, for $7.00. + +"Sunset,--California Scenery," after A. Bierstadt, +18 1-8 by 12, price $10.00, or any other $10.00 Chromo, and +a copy of the paper for one year for $10.00. Or the four Chromos, +and four copies of the paper for one year in one order, for +clubs of FOUR, for $23.00. + +We will send to any one a printed list of L. PRANG & CO.'S +Chromos, from which a selection can be made, if the above is not +satisfactory, and are prepared to make special terms for clubs to +any amount, and to agents. + +Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty +cents per year, or five cents per quarter in advance; the CHROMOS +will be _mailed free_ on receipt of money. + +Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank +Checks on New-York, or Registered letters. The paper will be +sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise +ordered. + +Now is the time to subscribe, as these Premiums will be offered +for a limited time only. On receipt of a postage-stamp we will +send a copy of No. 1 to any one desiring to get up a club. + +Address + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +P. O. BOX 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New-York. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LOUIS NAPOLEON SMOKES HIS PIPE OF PEACE.] + + * * * * * + +"The Printing House of the United States." + +GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., + +General JOB PRINTERS, + +BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, +STATIONERS Wholesale and Retail, +LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers, +COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, +CARD Manufacturers, +ENVELOPE Manufacturers, +FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. + +163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., +73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New-York. + +ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under immediate +supervision of the proprietors. + + * * * * * + +Bowling Green Savings-Bank, + +33 BROADWAY, + +NEW-YORK. + +Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M. + + +Deposit of any sum from Ten Cents to Ten +Thousand Dollars, will be received. + + +Six Per Cent Interest, Free of +Government Tax. + + +INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS + +Commences on the first of every month. + +HENRY SMITH, _President_. + +REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary_. + +WALTER ROCHE,) +EDWARD HOGAN,) _Vice-Presidents_. + + * * * * * + +SARATOGA "A" SPRING WATER. + +A POSITIVE CURE FOR HEADACHE!--A GREAT +REMEDY FOR INDIGESTION AND DYSPEPSIA.-- + +Keeps the blood cool and regulates the stomach. Persons subject to headache +can insure themselves freedom from this malady by drinking it liberally in +the morning before breakfast. + +Sold by JOHN F. HENRY, at the U.S. Family Medical Depot, 8 College Place, +New-York. + + * * * * * + +PRANG'S CHROMOS are celebrated for their close resemblance to oil +paintings. Sold in all Art Stores throughout the world. + +PRANG'S LATEST CHROMOS: "Four Seasons," by J. M. Hart. Illustrated +catalogues sent free on receipt of stamp by + +L. PRANG & CO., Boston. + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO. + +With a large and varied experience in the management and publication of a +paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the still more positive +advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the undertaking, the + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. + +OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK. + +Presents to the public for approval, the new + +ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL + +WEEKLY PAPER. + +PUNCHINELLO, + +The first number of which was issue under date of Apr 2. + +PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humourous and witty without +vulgarity, and a satirical without malice. It will be printed on a superior +tinted paper of sixteen pages size 13 by 9, and will be for sale by all +respectable news-dealers who have the judgment to know a good thing when +they see it, or by subscription from this office. + +ORIGINAL ARTICLES, + +Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive ideas or +sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the day, are always +acceptable and will be paid for liberally. + +Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage stamps are +inclosed. + +TERMS: + +One copy, per year, in advance $4 00 +Single copies 10 + A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the +receipt of ten cents. +One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other + magazine or paper, price $2.50, for 5 50 +One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for 7 00 + +All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +No. 83 Nassau Street, + +P.O. Box, 27383, NEW YORK + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +The New Burlesque Serial, + +Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO, + +By + +ORPHEUS C. KERR, + +Commenced in this number, will be continued weekly throughout the year. + +A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, with superb +illustrations of + +1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW +JERSEY. + +2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken as he appears +"Every Saturday." will also be found in this number. + +Single Copies, FOR SALE BY ALL NEWSMEN, (OR MAILED FROM THIS OFFICE, FREE,) +Ten Cents. + +Subscription for One Year, one copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4. + +Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new serial, which +promises to be the best ever written by ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe +now, to insure its regular receipt weekly. + +We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one who wishes to +see them, in view of subscribing, on the receipt of SIXTY CENTS. + +Address, + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY + +P.O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau St., New York. + + * * * * * + +Geo. W. Wheat, Printer, No. 8 Spruce Street. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 11, June 11, +1870, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 11 *** + +This file should be named 8p11110.txt or 8p11110.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 8p11111.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 8p11110a.txt + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra Brown and PG Distributed Proofreaders + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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Issue 11</title> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> +<style type="text/css"> +<!-- +body {margin:10%; text-align:justify} +img {border: 0;} +blockquote {font-size:14pt} +P {font-size:14pt} +--> +</style> +</head> +<body> + +<h1>Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 11, June 11, 1870</h1> +<pre> +Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 11, June 11, 1870, by Various +#2 in our series by Various + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 11, June 11, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: December, 2005 [EBook #9545] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on October 7, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 11 *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger, Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, +Sandra Brown and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + + + +</pre> + + + + +<hr> +<br><br> + +<center> +<img alt="cover.jpg (277K)" src="cover.jpg" height="1142" width="765"> +</center> +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="advert.jpg (270K)" src="advert.jpg" height="1120" width="773"> +</center> +<br><br> + +<h2>ERIE RAILWAY.</h2> + +<p>TRAINS LEAVE DEPOTS</p> + +<p>Foot of Chambers Street</p> + +<p>and</p> + +<p>Foot of Twenty-Third Street,</p> + +<p>AS FOLLOWS:</p> + +<p>Through Express Trains leave Chambers Street at 8 A.M., 10 A.M., 5:30 P.M., +and 7:00 P.M., (daily); leave 23d Street at 7:45 A.M., 9:45 A.M., and 5:15 +and 6:45 P.M. (daily.) New and improved Drawing-Room Coaches will accompany +the 10:00 A.M. train through to Buffalo, connecting at Hornellsville with +magnificent Sleeping Coaches running through to Cleveland and Galion. +Sleeping Coaches will accompany the 8:00 A.M. train from Susquehanna to +Buffalo, the 5:30 P.M. train from New York to Buffalo, and the 7:00 P.M. +train from New York to Rochester, Buffalo and Cincinnati. An Emigrant train +leaves daily at 7:30 P.M.</p> + +<p>FOR PORT JERVIS AND WAY, *11:30 A.M., and 4:30 P.M., (Twenty-third Street, +*11:15 A.M. and 4:15 P.M.)</p> + +<p>FOR MIDDLETOWN AND WAY, at 3:30 P.M.,(Twenty-third Street, 3:15 P.M.); and, +Sundays only, 8:30 A.M. (Twenty-third Street, 8:15 P.M.)</p> + +<p>FOR GREYCOURT AND WAY, at *8:30 A.M., (Twenty-third Street, 8:15 A.M.)</p> + +<p>FOR NEWBURGH AND WAY, at 8:00 A.M., 3:30 and 4:30 P.M. (Twenty-third Street +7:45 A.M., 3:15 and 4:15 P.M.)</p> + +<p>FOR SUFFERN AND WAY, 5:00 P.M. and 6:00 P.M. (Twenty-third Street, 4:45 and +5:45 P.M.) Theatre Train, *ll:30 P.M. (Twenty-third Street, *11 P.M.)</p> + +<p>FOR PATERSON AND WAY, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at 6:45, 10:15 and +11:45 A.M.; *1:45 3:45, 5:15 and 6:45 P.M. From Chambers Street Depot at +6:45, 10:l5 A.M.; 12 M.; *1:45, 4:00, 5:15 and 6:45 P.M.</p> + +<p>FOR HACKENSACK AND HILLSDALE, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at 8:45 and +11:45 A.M.; $7:15 3:45, $5:15, 5:45, and $6:45 P.M. From Chambers Street +Depot, at 9:00 A.M.; 12:00 M.; $2:l5, 4:00 $5:l5, 6:00, and $6:45 P.M.</p> + +<p>FOR PIERMONT, MONSEY AND WAY, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at +8:45 A.M.; 12:45, {3:l5 4:15, 4:46 and {6:15 P.M., and, Saturdays only, +{12 midnight. From Chambers Street Depot, at 9:00 A.M.; 1:00, {3:30, +4:15, 5:00 and {6:30 P.M. Saturdays, only, {12:00 midnight.</p> + +<p>Tickets for passage and for apartments in Drawing-Room and Sleeping Coaches +can be obtained, and orders for the Checking and Transfer of Baggage may +be left at the</p> + +<p>COMPANY'S OFFICES:</p> + +<p>241, 529, and 957 BroadFway. +205 Chambers Street. +Cor. 125th Street & Third Ave., Harlem. +338 Fulton Street, Brooklyn. +Depots, foot of Chambers Street and foot +of Twenty-third Street, New York. +3 Exchange Place. +Long Dock Depot, Jersey City, +And of the Agents at the principal Hotels</p> + +<p>WM. R. BARR, +<i>General Passenger Agent.</i></p> + +<p>L. D. RUCKER, +<i>General Superintendent.</i></p> + +<p>Daily. $For Hackensack only, {For Piermont only.</p> + +<p>May 2D, 1870.</p> + +<hr> + +<h2>MERCANTILE LIBRARY</h2> + +<p>Clinton Hall, Astor Place,</p> + +<p>NEW YORK.</p> + +<p>This is now the largest Circulating Library in America, the number of +volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 volumes are added each +month; and very large purchases are made of all new and popular works. +Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each delivery.</p> + +<p>TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP:</p> + +<p>TO CLERKS, $1 INITIATION, $3 ANNUAL DUES. +TO OTHERS, $5 A YEAR.</p> + +<p>Subscriptions Taken for Six Months.</p> + +<p>BRANCH OFFICES</p> + +<p>at</p> + +<p>No. 76 Cedar St., New York,</p> + +<p>and at </p> + +<p>Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth.</p> + +<hr> + +<p>AMERICAN</p> + +<p>BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING,</p> + +<p>AND</p> + +<p>SEWING-MACHINE CO.,</p> + +<p>572 and 574 Broadway, New-York.</p> + +<p> +This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on +all the former machines, making, in addition to all work done on best +Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful</p> + +<p>BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES,</p> + +<p>in all fabrics.</p> + +<p>Machine, with finely finished</p> + +<p>OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER</p> + +<p>complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts,$50. This last +is beyond all question the simplest, easiest to manage and to keep in +order, of any machine in the market. Machines warranted, and full +instruction given to purchasers.</p> + + +<hr> + +<p>J. NICKINSON</p> + +<p>begs to announce to the friends of</p> + +<p>"PUNCHINELLO"</p> + +<p>residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has +Made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of</p> + +<p>ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED.</p> + +<p>the same will be forwarded, postage paid.</p> + +<p>Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing Houses +can have the same forwarded by inclosing two stamps.</p> + +<p>OFFICE OF</p> + +<p>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.</p> + +<p>83 Nassau Street,</p> + +<p>[P.O. Box 2783.]</p> + +<hr> + +<h2>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.</h2> + +<h4>AN ADAPTATION.</h4> + +<h3>BY ORPHEUS C. KERR.</h3> + +<p> +[The American Press's Young Gentlemen, when taking their shady literary +walks among the Columns of Interesting Matter, have been known to +remark—with a glibness and grace, by Jove, greatly in excess of their +salaries—that the reason why we don't produce great works of +imagination in this country, as they do in other countries, is because +we haven't the genius, you know. They think—do they?—that the +bran-new localities, post-office addresses, and official titles, +characteristic of the United States of America, are rife with all the +grand old traditional suggestions so useful in helping along the +romantic interest of fiction. They think—do they?—that if an American +writer could write a Novel in the exact style of COLLINS, or TROLLOPE, +or DICKENS: only laying its scenes and having its characters in this +country; the work would be as romantically effective as one by COLLINS, +or TROLLOPE, or DICKENS; and that the possibly necessary incidental +mention of such native places as Schermerhorn Street, Dobb's Ferry, or +Chicago, <i>wouldn't</i> disturb the nicest dramatic illusion of the +imaginative tale. Very well, then! All right! Just look here!—O A.P's +Young Gentlemen, just look here—]</p> + +<br><br><br><br> + +<p> +CHAPTER I.</p> + +<p> +DAWNATION.</p> + +<p> +A modern American Ritualistic Spire! How can the modern American +Ritualistic Spire be here! The well-known tapering brown Spire, like a +closed umbrella on end? How can that be here? There is no rusty rim of a +shocking bad hat between the eye and that Spire in the real prospect. +What is the rusty rim that now intervenes, and confuses the vision of at +least one eye? It must be an intoxicated hat that wants to see, too. It +is so, for ritualistic choirs strike up, acolytes swing censers +dispensing the heavy odor of punch, and the ritualistic rector and his +gaudily robed assistants in alb, chasuble, maniple and tunicle, intone a +<i>Nux Vomica</i> in gorgeous procession. Then come twenty young clergymen in +stoles and birettas, running after twenty marriageable young ladies of +the congregation who have sent them worked slippers. Then follow ten +thousand black monkies swarming all over everybody and up and down +everything, chattering like fiends. Still the Ritualistic Spire keeps +turning up in impossible places, and still the intervening rusty rim of +a hat inexplicably clouds one eye. There dawns a sensation as of +writhing grim figures of snakes in one's boots, and the intervening +rusty rim of the hat that was not in the original prospect takes a +snake-like—But stay! Is this the rim of my own hat tumbled all awry? I' +mushbe! A few reflective moments, not unrelieved by hiccups, mush be +d'voted to co'shider-ERATION of th' posh'bil'ty.</p> + +<p>Nodding excessively to himself with unspeakable gravity, the gentleman +whose diluted mind has thus played the Dickens with him, slowly arises +to an upright position by a series of complicated manoeuvres with both +hands and feet; and, having carefully balanced himself on one leg, and +shaking his aggressive old hat still farther down over his left eye, +proceeds to take a cloudy view of his surroundings. He is in a room +going on one side to a bar, and on the other side to a pair of glass +doors and a window, through the broken panes of which various musty +cloth substitutes for glass ejaculate toward the outer Mulberry Street. +Tilted back in chairs against the wall, in various attitudes of +dislocation of the spine and compound fracture of the neck, are an +Alderman of the ward, an Assistant-Assessor, and the lady who keeps the +hotel. The first two are shapeless with a slumber defying every law of +comfortable anatomy; the last is dreamily attempting to light a stumpy +pipe with the wrong end of a match, and shedding tears, in the dim +morning ghastliness, at her repeated failures.</p> + +<p>"Thry another," says this woman, rather thickly, to the gentleman +balanced on one leg, who is gazing at her and winking very much. "Have +another, wid some bitters."</p> + +<p>He straightens himself extremely, to an imminent peril of falling over +backward, sways slightly to and fro, and becomes as severe in expression +of countenance as his one uncovered eye will allow.</p> + +<p>The woman falls back in her chair again asleep, and he, walking with one +shoulder depressed, and a species of sidewise, running gait, approaches +and poises himself over her.</p> + +<p>"What vision can <i>she</i> have?" the man muses, with his hat now fully upon +the bridge of his nose. He smiles unexpectedly; as suddenly frowns with +great intensity; and involuntarily walks backward against the sleeping +Alderman. Him he abstractedly sits down upon, and then listens intently +for any casual remark he may make. But one word comes— +"Wairzernat'chal'zationc'tif'kits."</p> + +<p>"Unintelligent!" mutters the man, weariedly; and, rising dejectedly from +the Alderman, lurches, with a crash, upon the Assistant-Assessor. Him he +shakes fiercely for being so bony to fall on, and then hearkens for a +suitable apology.</p> + +<p>"Warzwaz-yourwifesincome-lash'—lash'-year?"</p> + +<p>A thoughtful pause, partaking of a doze.</p> + +<p>"Unintelligent!"</p> + +<p>Complicatedly arising from the Assessor, with his hat now almost hanging +by an ear, the gentleman, after various futile but ingenious efforts to +face towards the door by turning his head alone that way, finally +succeeds by walking in a circle until the door is before him. Then, with +his whole countenance charged with almost scowling intensity of purpose, +though finding it difficult to keep his eyes very far open, he balances +himself with the utmost care, throws his shoulders back, steps out +daringly, and goes off at an acute slant toward the Alderman again. +Recovering himself by a tremendous effort of will and a few wild +backward movements, he steps out jauntily once more, and can not stop +himself until he has gone twice around a chair on his extreme left and +reached almost exactly the point from which he started the first time. +He pauses, panting, but with the scowl of determination still more +intense, and concentrated chiefly in his right eye. Very cautiously +extending his dexter hand, that he may not destroy the nicety of his +perpendicular balance, he points with a finger at the knob of the door, +and suffers his stronger eye to fasten firmly upon the same object. A +moment's balancing, to make sure, and then, in three irresistible, +rushing strides, he goes through the glass doors with a burst, without +stopping to turn the latch, strikes an ash-box on the edge of the +sidewalk, rebounds to a lamp-post, and then, with the irresistible rush +still on him, describes a hasty wavy line, marked by irregular +heel-strokes, up the street.</p> + +<p>That same afternoon, the modern American Ritualistic Spire rises in +duplicate illusion before the multiplying vision of a traveller recently +off the ferry-boat, who, as though not satisfied with the length of his +journey, makes frequent and unexpected trials of its width. The bells +are ringing for vesper service; and, having fairly made the right door +at last, after repeatedly shooting past and falling short of it, he +reaches his place in the choir and performs voluntaries and +involuntaries upon the organ, in a manner not distinguishable from +almost any fashionable church-music of the period.</p> + +<br><br><br><br> + +<p> +CHAPTER II.</p> + +<p> +A DEAN, AND A CHAP OR TWO ALSO.</p> + +<p> +Whosoever has noticed a party of those sedate and Germanesquely +philosophical animals, the pigs, scrambling precipitately under a gate +from out a cabbage-patch toward nightfall, may, perhaps, have observed, +that, immediately upon emerging from the sacred vegetable preserve, a +couple of the more elderly and designing of them assumed a sudden air of +abstracted musing, and reduced their progress to a most dignified and +leisurely walk, as though to convince the human beholder that their +recent proximity to the cabbages had been but the trivial accident of a +meditative stroll.</p> + +<p>Similarly, service in the church being over, and divers persons of +piggish solemnity of aspect dispersing, two of the latter detach +themselves from the rest and try an easy lounge around toward a side +door of the building, as though willing to be taken by the outer world +for a couple of unimpeachable low-church gentlemen who merely happened +to be in that neighborhood at that hour for an airing.</p> + +<p>The day and year are waning, and the setting sun casts a ruddy but not +warming light upon two figures under the arch of the side door; while +one of these figures locks the door, the other, who seems to have a +music book under his arm, comes out, with a strange, screwy motion, as +though through an opening much too narrow for him, and, having poised a +moment to nervously pull some imaginary object from his right boot and +hurl it madly from him, goes unexpectedly off with the precipitancy and +equilibriously concentric manner of a gentleman in his first private +essay on a tight-rope.</p> + +<p>"Was that Mr. BUMSTEAD, SMYTHE?"</p> + +<p>"It wasn't anybody else, your Reverence."</p> + +<p>"Say 'his identity with the person mentioned scarcely comes within the +legitimate domain of doubt,' SMYTHE—to Father Dean, the younger of the +piggish persons softly interposes,</p> + +<p>"Is Mr. BUMSTEAD unwell, SMYTHE?"</p> + +<p>"He's got 'em bad to-night."</p> + +<p>"Say 'incipient cerebral effusion marks him especially for its prey at +this vesper hour.' SMYTHE—to Father DEAN," again softly interposes Mr. +SIMPSON, the Gospeler.</p> + +<p>"Mr. SIMPSON," pursues Father DEAN, whose name has been modified, by +various theological stages, from its original form of Paudean, to Pere +DEAN—Father DEAN, "I regret to hear that Mr. BUMSTEAD is so delicate in +health; you may stop at his boarding-house on your way home, and ask him +how he is, with my compliments." <i>Pax vobiscum</i>.</p> + +<p>Shining so with a sense of his own benignity that the retiring sun gives +up all rivalry at once and instantly sets in despair, Father DEAN +departs to his dinner, and Mr. SIMPSON, the Gospeler, betakes himself +cheerily to the second-floor-back where Mr. BUMSTEAD lives. Mr. BUMSTEAD +is a shady-looking man of about six and twenty, with black hair and +whiskers of the window-brush school, and a face reminding you of the +BOURBONS. As, although lighting his lamp, he has, abstractedly, almost +covered it with his hat, his room is but imperfectly illuminated, and +you can just detect the accordeon on the window-sill, and, above the +mantel, an unfinished sketch of a school-girl. (There is no artistic +merit in this picture; in which, indeed, a simple triangle on end +represents the waist, another and slightly larger triangle the skirts, +and straight-lines with rake-like terminations the arms and hands.)</p> + +<p>"Called to ask how you are, and offer Father DEAN'S compliments," says +the Gospeler.</p> + +<p>"I'm allright, shir!" says Mr. BUMSTEAD, rising from the rug where he +has been temporarily reposing, and dropping his umbrella. He speaks +almost with ferocity.</p> + +<p>"You are awaiting your nephew, EDWIN DROOD?"</p> + +<p>"Yeshir." As he answers, Mr. BUMSTEAD leans languidly far across the +table, and seems vaguely amazed at the aspect of the lamp with his hat +upon it.</p> + +<p>Mr. SIMPSON retires softly, stops to greet some one at the foot of the +stairs, and, in another moment, a young man fourteen years old enters +the room with his carpet-bag.</p> + +<p>"My dear boys! My dear EDWINS!"</p> + +<p>Thus speaking, Mr. BUMSTEAD sidles eagerly at the new comer, with open +arms, and, in falling upon his neck, does so too heavily, and bears him +with a crash to the ground.</p> + +<p>"Oh, see here! this is played out, you know," ejaculates the nephew, +almost suffocated with travelling-shawl and BUMSTEAD.</p> + +<p>Mr. BUMSTEAD rises from him slowly and with dignity.</p> + +<p>"Excuse me, dear EDWIN, I thought there were two of you."</p> + +<p>EDWIN DROOD regains his feet with alacrity and casts aside his shawl.</p> + +<p>"Whatever you thought, uncle, I am still a single man, although your way +of coming down on a chap was enough to make me beside myself. Any grub, +JACK?"</p> + +<p>With a check upon his enthusiasm and a sudden gloom of expression +amounting almost to a squint, Mr. BUMSTEAD motions with his whole right +side toward an adjacent room in which a table is spread, and leads the +way thither in a half-circle.</p> + +<p>"Ah, this is prime!" cries the young fellow, rubbing his hands; the +while he realizes that Mr. BUMSTEAD'S squint is an attempt to include +both himself and the picture over the mantel in the next room in one +incredibly complicated look.</p> + +<p>Not much is said during dinner, as the strength of the boarding-house +butter requires all the nephew's energies for single combat with it, and +the uncle is so absorbed in a dreamy effort to make a salad with his +hash and all the contents of the castor, that he can attend to nothing +else. At length the cloth is drawn, EDWIN produces some peanuts from his +pocket and passes some to Mr. BUMSTEAD, and the latter, with a wet towel +pinned about his head, drinks a great deal of water.</p> + +<p>"This is Sissy's birthday, you know, JACK," says the nephew, with a +squint through the door and around the corner of the adjoining apartment +toward the crude picture over the mantel, "and, if our respective +respected parents hadn't bound us by will to marry, I'd be mad after +her."</p> + +<p>Crack. On EDWIN DROOD'S part.</p> + +<p>Hic. On Mr. BUMSTEAD'S part.</p> + +<p>"Nobody's dictated a marriage for you, JACK. <i>You</i> can choose for +yourself. Life for <i>you</i> is still fraught with freedom's intoxicating—"</p> + +<p>Mr. BUMSTEAD has suddenly become very pale, and perspires heavily on the +forehead.</p> + +<p>"Good Heavens, JACK! I haven't hurt your feelings?"</p> + +<p>Mr. BUMSTEAD makes a feeble pass at him with the water-decanter, and +smiles in a very ghastly manner.</p> + +<p>"Lem me be a mis'able warning to you, EDWIN," says Mr. BUMSTEAD, +shedding tears.</p> + +<p>The scared face of the younger recalls him to himself, and he adds: +"Don't mind me, my dear boys. It's cloves; you may notice them on my +breath. I take them for nerv'shness." Here he rises in a series of +trembles to his feet, and balances, still very pale, on one leg.</p> + +<p>"You want cheering up," says EDWIN DROOD, kindly.</p> + +<p>"Yesh—cheering up. Let's go and walk in the graveyard," says Mr. +BUMSTEAD.</p> + +<p>"By all means. You won't mind my slipping out for half a minute to the +Alms House to leave a few gum-drops for Sissy? Rather spoony, JACK."</p> + +<p>Mr. BUMSTEAD almost loses his balance in an imprudent attempt to wink +archly, and says, "Norring-half-sh'-shweet-'n-life." He is very thick +with EDWIN DROOD, for he loves him.</p> + +<p>"Well, let's skedaddle, then."</p> + +<p>Mr. BUMSTEAD very carefully poises himself on both feet, puts on his hat +over the wet towel, gives a sudden horrified glance downward toward one +of his boots, and leaps frantically over an object.</p> + +<p>"Why, that was only my cane," says EDWIN.</p> + +<p>Mr. BUMSTEAD breathes hard, and leans heavily on his nephew as they go +out together.</p> + +<p>(<i>To be Continued.</i>)</p> + +<hr> + +<h2> +~JUMBLES~</h2> + +<p> +PUNCHINELLO has heard, of course, of the good time coming. It has not +come yet. It won't come till the stars sing together in the morning, +after going home, like festive young men, early. It won't come till +Chicago has got its growth in population, morals and ministers. It won't +come till the women are all angels, and men are all honest and wise; not +until politicians and retailers learn to tell the truth. You may think +the Millennium a long way off. Perhaps so. But mighty revolutions are +sometimes wrought in a mighty fast time. Many a fast man has been known +to turn over a new leaf in a single night, and forever afterwards be +slow. Such a thing is dreadful to contemplate, but it has been. Many a +vain woman has seen the folly of her ways at a glance, and at once gone +back on them. This is <i>not</i> dreadful to contemplate, since to go back on +folly is to go onward in wisdom. The female sex is not often guilty of +this eccentricity, but instances have been known. It is that which fills +the proud bosom of man with hope and consolation, and makes him feel +really that woman is coming; which is all the more evident since she +began her "movement." The good time coming is nowhere definitely named +in the almanacs. The goings and comings of the heavenly bodies, from the +humble star to the huge planet, are calculated with the facility of the +cut of the newest fashion; and the revolutions of dynasties can be fixed +upon with tolerable certainty; but the period of the good time coming is +lost in the mists of doubt and the vapors of uncertainty. It is very +sure in expectancy, like the making of matrimonial matches. Everybody is +looking for it, but nobody sees it. The sharpest of eyes only discern +the bluest and gloomiest objects. But PUNCHINELLO may reasonably expect +to see, feel and know, this good time. The coming will yet be to it the +time come. Perhaps it will be when it visits two hundred thousand +readers weekly, when mothers sigh, children cry, and fathers well-nigh +die for it. At all events, somewhen or other—it may be the former +period, but possibly the latter—the good time <i>will</i> come. And great +will be the coming thereof, with no discount to the biggest or richest +man out.</p> + +<p>What a luxury is Hope! It springs eternal in the human breast. Rather an +awkward place for a spring, but as poets know more than other people, no +doubt it is all right. Hope is an institution. What is the White House, +or the Capitol at Washington, to Hope? What is the Central Park, or +Boston Common, or the Big Organ, to Hope? Not much—not anything, like +the man's religion, to speak of. Hope bears up many a man, though it +pays no bills to the grocer, milliner, tailor, or market man. It is the +vertebra which steadies him plumb up to a positive perpendicular. A +hopeless man or woman—how fearful! They very soon become +round-shouldered, limp and weak, and drink little but unsizable sighs, +and feed on all manner of dark and unhealthy things. It is TODD'S +deliberate opinion that if a cent can't be laid up, Hope should. Hope +with empty pockets is rich compared to wealth with "nary a" hope. Hope +is a good thing to have about the house. It always comes handy, and is +acceptable even to company. So believes, and he acts on the faith, does</p> + +<p>TIMOTHY TODD.</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +~Capitol Punishment.~</p> + +<p> +Abolition of the franking privilege.</p> + +<hr> + +<h2>~SKETCH OF ORPHEUS C. KERR.~</h2> +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="01.jpg (272K)" src="01.jpg" height="729" width="831"> +</center> +<br><br> + +<p>It is now nearly a twelfth of a century since the veracious Historian of +the imperishable Mackerel Brigade first manoeuvred that incomparably +strategical military organization in public, and caused it to illustrate +the fine art of waging heroic war upon a life-insurance principle. +Equally renowned in arms for its feats and legs, and for being always on +hand when any peculiarly daring retrograde movement was on foot, this +limber martial body continually fell back upon victory throughout the +war, and has been coming forward with hand-organs ever since. Its +complete History, by the same gentleman who is now adapting the literary +struggles of MR. E. DROOD to American minds and matters, was +subsequently issued from the press of CARLETON, in more or less volumes, +and at once attracted profound attention from the author's creditors. +One great American journal said of it: "We find the paper upon which +this production is printed of a most amusing quality." Another observed: +"The binding of this tedious military work is the most humorous we ever +saw." A third added: "In typographical details, the volumes now under +consideration are facetious beyond compare."</p> +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="02.jpg (295K)" src="02.jpg" height="850" width="709"> +</center> +<br><br> + +<p>The present residence of the successful Historian is Begad's Hill, New +Jersey, and, if not existing in SHAKSPEARE'S time, it certainly looks +old enough to have been built at about that period. Its architecture is +of the no-capital Corinthian order; there are mortgages both front and +back, and hot and cold water at the nearest hotel. From the central +front window, which belongs to the author's library, in which he keeps +his Patent Office Reports, there is a fine view of the top of the porch; +while from the rear casements you get a glimpse of blind-shutters which +won't open. It is reported of this fine old place, that the present +proprietor wished to own it even when a child; never dreaming the +mortgaged halls would yet be his without a hope of re-selling.</p> + +<p>Although fully thirty years of age, the owner of Begad's Hill Place +still writes with a pen; and, perhaps, with a finer thoughtfulness as to +not suffusing his fingers with ink than in his more youthful moments of +composition. He is sound and kind in both single and double harness; +would undoubtedly be good to the Pole if he could get there; and, +although living many miles from the city, walks into his breakfast every +morning in the year. Let us, however,</p> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> +<p> "No longer seek his virtues to disclose, + Nor draw his frailties from their dread abode."</p> +</td></tr> +</table> + </center> + +<p>but advise PUNCHINELLO'S readers to peruse the "Mystery of Mr. E. +DROOD," for further glimpses of Mr. ORPHEUS C. KERR.</p> + +<hr> + +<h2>~The Fall of Man at the Falls~.</h2> + +<p>It is a very lamentable fact that the married people of Niagara have not +attained even the dignity and comfort of insanity. A paragraph informs +us that "The Niagara hotels have already forty-seven men trying to look +as if married for years, and who only succeed in resembling imbeciles." +To a Niagara tourist this must be an Eye-aggravating spectacle. But, +fortunately, none of this class of the Double-Blest will shoot anybody. +They don't look as if they had been married long! They are imbecile, not +insane!</p> + +<hr> + +<h2>~Green and Red~.</h2> + +<p>The <i>Southern Cell</i> proposes that the Fenians shall make a new Ireland +of Winnipeg. Except on the principle of Hibernating, PUNCHINELLO cannot +discover why his Irish fellow-citizens are ambitious to winter in the +Red River country. Wouldn't Greenland do as well, and wear better?</p> + +<hr> + +<h2>~TAKE CARE OF THE WOUNDED~</h2> + +<p>Though but one of the Fenian leaders was killed in the late Frontier +Fizzle, yet many of them are reported as being badly wounded—as to +their feelings. General O'NEIL'S feelings are dreadfully hurt by the +ignominy of a constable and a cell, which was a bad Cell for a Celt. The +feelings of General GLEASON (and they must be multitudinous, since he is +nearly seven feet high,) were so badly wounded by circumstances over +which he didn't seem to have any control, that he retired from the field +"in disgust." Mental afflictions, in fact, are so numerous among the +Fenians since their Fizzle, as to suggest the advisability of their +Head-Centre founding a Hospital for Wounded Feelings with the surplus of +the funds wrung by him from simple, hard-working BRIDGET.</p> + +<hr> + +<h2>~Interesting to Bathers~</h2> + +<p>Persons who are drowned while bathing in the surf are said to experience +but little pain. In fact, their Sufferings are short.</p> + +<hr> + +<h2>~Fenian Tactics~.</h2> + +<p>The first movement of the Fenians on reaching Canadian soil was to +"throw out their skirmishers into a hop field," where the Hops gathered +by them were of the precipitate and retrogressive kind sometimes traced +to Spanish origin.</p> + +<hr> +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> +<h2>~THE HOLY GRAIL AND OTHER POEMS.~</h2> + +<p> +(This is one of the other Poems.)</p> + +<p> +BY A HALF-RED DENIZEN OF THE WEST.</p> + +<p> + SIR PELLEAS, lord of many a barren isle,<br> + On his front stoop at eventide, awhile,<br> + Sat solemn. His mother, on a stuel,<br> + At the crannied hearth prepared his gruel.</p> +<br> +<p> "Mother!" he cried, "I love!" Said she, "Ah, who?"<br> + "I know not, mother dear," he said, "Do you?<br> + I only know I love all maidens fair;<br> + My special maid, I have not seen, I swear.<br> + Perhaps she's fair as Arthur's queenly saint;<br> + And pure as she—and then, perhaps she ain't."</p> +<br> +<p> Turned then his mother from the hearth-stone hot;<br> + Dropped the black lid upon the gruel-pot.<br> + "I know'd a Qua-aker feller, as often as tow'd me this:<br> + 'Doan't thou marry for munny, but goa wheer munny is!'<br> + She's a beauty, thou thinks—wot'a a beauty? the flower as blaws,<br> + But proputty, proputty sticks, and proputty, proputty graws."</p> +<br> +<p> Then said her son, "If I may make so bold,<br> + You quote the new-style poem, not the old.<br> + The Northern Farmer whom you think so sage<br> + Is not born yet. This is the Middle Age."</p> +<br> +<p> He said no more, and on the next bright day<br> + To Arthur's court he proudly rode away.<br> + And on the way a maiden did he meet,<br> + And laid his heart and fortunes at her feet.<br> + Smiling on him—ETTARRE was her name—<br> + "Brave knight," she said, "your love I cannot blame.<br> + Your hands are strong. I see you have no brains,<br> + You're just the man for tournaments. Your pains,<br> + In case for me a battle you shall win,<br> + Shall be rewarded," and she smiled like sin.</p> +<br> +<p> PELLEAS glistened with a wild delight;<br> + And good King Arthur soon got up a fight<br> + And on the flat field, by the shore of Usk,<br> + SIR PELLEAS smashed the knights from dawn till dusk.</p> +<br> +<p> Then from his spear—at least he thought he did—<br> + He shook each mangled corpse, and softly glid,<br> + And crowned ETTARRE Queen of Love and Truth.<br> + She wore the crown and then bescorned the youth.<br> + Now to her castle home would she repair;<br> + And PELLEAS craved that he might see her there.<br> + "Oh, young man from the country!" then said she,<br> + "Shoo fly! poor fool, and don't you bother me!"<br> + She banged her gate behind her, crying "Sold!"<br> + The noble youth was left out in the cold.</p> +<br> +<p> He shoo-ed the fly from the flower-pots,<br> + From blackest moss, he shoo-ed them all.<br> + Shoo-ed them from rusted nails and knots,<br> + That held the peach to the garden-wall;</p> +<br> +<p> And broken sheds, all sad and strange.<br> + He shoo-ed them from the clinking latch,<br> + And from the weeded, ancient thatch,<br> + Upon the lonely moated grange.</p> +<br> +<p> He only said, "This thing is dreary.<br> + She cometh not!" he said.<br> + He said, "I am aweary, aweary,<br> + I wish these flies were dead."</p> +<br> +<p> So PELLEAS made his moan. And every day,<br> + Or moist or dry, he shoo-ed the flies away.<br> + "These be the ways of ladies," PELLEAS saith,<br> + "To those who love them; trials of our faith."</p> +<br> +<p> But ceaseless shoo-ing made the lady mad,<br> + And she called out the best three knights she had,<br> + And charged them, "Charge him! Drive him from the wall!<br> + If he keeps on, we'll have no flies at all!"<br> + And out they came. Each did his level best;<br> + SIR PELLEAS soon killed one and slew the rest.</p> +<br> +<p> A bush of wild marsh-marigold,<br> + That shines in hollows gray,<br> + He cut, and smiling to his love,<br> + He shoo-ed more flies away.</p> +<br> +<p> He clasped his neck with crooked hands;<br> + In the hot sun in lonely lands,<br> + For several days he steady stands.<br> + The wrinkled fly beneath him crawls,<br> + He watches by the castle walls—<br> + Like thunder then his bush it falls.</p> +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> +<br><br> +<center> + <img alt="03.jpg (261K)" src="03.jpg" height="601" width="935"> +</center> + <br><br> +<p>(<i>To be Continued.</i>)</p> + +<hr> + +<h2>~ASTRONOMICAL CONVERSATIONS.~</h2> + +<h3>[BY A FATHER AND DAUGHTER RESIDING ON THE PLANET VENUS.]</h3> + +<p>No. IV.</p> + +<p><i>D.</i> Oh, Pa, if we only had a Moon! What is life without one?</p> + +<p><i>F.</i> Well, my child, we've w'iggled along, so far. It is true, our +Telluric friends may be said to have the advantage of us; but then, +there's no lunacy here! Everything is on the square on this planet!</p> + +<p><i>D.</i> I don't care; I want a Moon, square or no square! There's no excuse +for being sentimental here. Who is ever imaginative, right after supper? +And yet Twilight is all the time we have.</p> + +<p><i>F.</i> But still, HELENE, I think our young folks are not really deficient +in sentiment. What they would be, with six or seven moons, like those of +SATURN or URANUS, is frightful to think of! Heavens! what poetry would +spring up, like asparagus, in the genial spring-time! We should see +Raptures, I warrant you! And oh, the frensies, the homicidal energies, +the child-roastings! Yes, Moonshine would make it livelier here, no +doubt. A fine time, truly, for Ogres, with their discriminating +scent!—And what a moony sky! How odd, if one had a parlor with six +windows.</p> + +<p><i>D.</i> Seven would be odder.</p> + +<p><i>F.</i> Well, seven, and a moon looking into each one of 'em! An artist +would perhaps object to the cross-lights, but he needn't paint by them.</p> + +<p><i>D.</i> What kind of "lights" were you speaking of?</p> + +<p><i>F.</i> Satellites.</p> + +<p><i>D.</i> Oh, pshaw! don't tantalize me!</p> + +<p><i>F.</i> Well, cross-lights.</p> + +<p><i>D.</i> Now, pray, what may a cross-light be? An unamiable and inhospitable +light, like that which gleams from the eyes of an astronomer when he is +interrupted in the midst of a calculation?</p> + +<p><i>F.</i> No, nor yet the sarcastic sparkle in the eyes of a witty but +selfish and unfilial young lady! Cross-lights are lights whose rays, +coming from opposite quarters, cross each other.</p> + +<p><i>D.</i> (Then yours and mine are cross-lights, I guess!) If two American +twenty-five cent pieces were to be placed at a distance from each other, +and you stood between them——</p> + +<p><i>F.</i> My child, I could never come between friends who would gladly see +each other after so long an absence!</p> + +<p><i>D.</i> I was only trying to realize your idea of "light from opposite +quarters."</p> + +<p><i>F.</i> The most of 'em must be far too rusty to reflect light.</p> + +<p><i>D.</i> Oh, I dare say their reflections are heavy enough.</p> + +<p><i>F.</i> And so will mine be, soon, if you go on in that style.</p> + +<p><i>D.</i> Well, pa, I do drivel—that's a fact! Let us turn to something of +more importance.</p> + +<p><i>F.</i> Suppose we now attend the Celestial Bull Fight always going on over +there in the sky. On one side you perceive that gamey <i>matador,</i> ORION +(not the "Gold Beater,") with his club and his lion's skin, <i>a la +Hercules</i>. You observe how "unreservedly and unconditionally" he pitches +into the Bull, and how superb is the attitude and ardor of his opponent. +It is a splendid set-to, full of alarming possibilities. Every moment +you expect to see those enormous horns engaged with the bowels of ORION, +or, in default of this, to behold that truculent Club come down, Whack! +on that curly pate!</p> + +<p><i>D.</i> And yet, they don't!</p> + +<p><i>F.</i> True enough,—they don't. It reminds me of one JOHN BULL, and his +familiar <i>vis-a-vis,</i> O'RYAN the Fenian. As the celestial parties have +maintained their portentous attitudes for ages, and nothing has come of +it, so we may look placidly for a similar suspension in the earthly +copy.</p> + +<p><i>D.</i> But their very attitudes are startling! Wasn't ORION something of a +boaster?</p> + +<p><i>F.</i> Oh, yes; he was in the habit of declaring that there wasn't an +animal on earth that he couldn't whip. He got come up with, however. By +the way, ORION was the original Homoeopathist. His proposed +father-in-law, DON OEROPION, having unfortunately put out his eyes, in a +little operation for misplaced affection, he hit on the now famous +principle, which, if fit for HAHNE-MAN, was fit for ORION. He went to +gazing at the sun. What would have destroyed his vision if he had had +any, now restored it when he didn't have any, and his sight became so +keen that he was able to see through OEROPION—though, I believe, he +reinforced his powers of ocular penetration with a pod-auger.</p> + +<p><i>D.</i> (Drivelling again! More Bitters, I guess!) Father, why were the +Pleiades placed in the Head of TAURUS?</p> + +<p><i>F.</i> Well, my child, there are various explanations. On the Earth, they +pretend to say it was meant to signify that the English women are the +finest in the universe—the most sensible, the most charming, the most +virtuous. No wonder, if this is so, we find their sign up there! What +said MAGNUS APOLLO to young IULUS,—"Proceed, youngster, you'll get +there eventually!" And MAG. was right.</p> + +<p><i>D.</i> Pa, why do they say, "the <i>Seven</i> Pleiades," when there are only +six?</p> + +<p><i>F.</i> Well, dear, [<i>kissing her,</i>] perhaps there's a vacancy for <i>you!</i> I +expect the Universe will be called in, one of these nights, to admire a +new winking, blinking, and saucy little violet star—the neatest thing +going! But not, I hope, just yet.</p> + +<p><i>D.</i> Boo—hoo—hoo—hoo!</p> + +<p><i>F.</i> Well, hang the Pleiades! Boo—hoo—hoo—too!</p> + +<hr> + +<h2>~Good for Something Better.~</h2> + +<p>We like enthusiasm. We are ourselves quite given to the admiration of +great people, as they, in their turn, we have reason to believe, are +given to admiration of their dear PUNCHINELLO. But when an English +adorer says that he considers "MR. CHARLES SUMNER fit for a throne," we +are tempted to inquire what throne there is fit for <i>him</i>? The fact is, +thrones have come to be rather more disreputable than three-legged +stools. "Every inch a king" may mean six feet of mad-man, or five feet +of mad-woman. We sincerely hope that there is no intention in England of +making MR. SUMNER the King of Spain—we mean of abducting him for the +purpose; for of course, he would never voluntarily assume the purple.</p> + +<hr> + +<h2>~The Difference.~</h2> + +<p>Fenian General O'NEILL bore down upon Canada with a martial charge, but +he was sent back in a Marshal's charge.</p> + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="04.jpg (210K)" src="04.jpg" height="737" width="804"> +</center> +<br><br> +<hr> + +<h2>~Woman's Right to Ballot and Bullet.~</h2> + +<p>In a speech which sounds like a six-shooter, that deadly woman, Mrs. +F.H.M. BROWN, of San Francisco, gives notice that "when she goes to cast +her ballot, if any man insults her, she will shoot him!" Who will now +dare to question woman's ability to exercise both the franchise and the +franchised? PUNCHINELLO sadly foresees that Shooters for the hands of +women will take the place of Suitors. Nevertheless, he guarantees that +the Constitutional right of women to bear arms shall not be infringed, +and that they shall enjoy the inestimable privilege to shoot and be shot +at. Every woman shall be at perfect liberty to cast her bullet for the +man of her choice!</p> + +<hr> + +<h2>~How to Make Ends Meet.~</h2> + +<p>Miss BRITTAIN delivers a lecture on the High-caste women of India. She +should supplement it with one on the High-strung women of Indiana, and +thus illustrate the extremes of marriage and divorce.</p> + +<hr> + +<h3>~From the Vermont Border.~</h3> + +<p><i>Voice.</i> "Has anything been gained by General O'NEIL?"</p> + +<p><i>Echo.</i> O Nihil!</p> + +<hr> +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="05.jpg (175K)" src="05.jpg" height="889" width="582"> +</center> +<br><br> +<hr> + +<h3>~The Dominion of King Whiskey.~</h3> + +<p>The London <i>Illustrated News</i> calls the new Province of the Dominion, +Manetoda, instead of Manitobah. Perhaps the mistake originated from the +rumor of the Many Tods by which certain members of the Canadian Cabinet +are said to be habitually inspired.</p> + +<hr> + +<h3>~A Blue-grass Reflection.~</h3> + +<p>Hard, indeed, is the life of the poor trapper of the Plains. Driven by +stress of hunger, he is often obliged to eat rattle-snake; but, as he +cannot eat the head of the reptile, though the tail is good at a pinch, +he fails, you perceive, to make both ends ~Meat.~</p> + +<hr> + +<h3>~A Bright Idea.~</h3> + +<p>The Hon. JOHN BRIGHT is said to while away the time, in his retirement, +by knitting garters. It seems very strange that such a usurpation of +Woman's Rights should be carried into effect by one of the stoutest +advocates of them.</p> + +<hr> + +<h3>~The Green above the Red, at last.~</h3> + +<p>One of the narrators of the late Fenian fizzle on the Canadian border +describes General O'NEIL as having invaded the Dominion, "mounted on a +small Red horse."</p> + +<hr> + +<h2>~OUR PORTFOLIO.~</h2> + +<p>An exchange, after praising our recent Cartoon representing the +"Barnacles on American Commerce," moves to refer us to the House +Committee on Commerce and Manufactures. PUNCHINELLO never did love the +ways of the Washington Circumlocution Office, but if there is one thing +which he dislikes more than anything else, 'tis the idea of being +pigeonholed by the Committee on Commerce. The uses to which valuable +information is put by that august body of traffickers in public +credulity, are not for us. That we might penetrate their benighted minds +with many rays of knowledge is not to be doubted, but that we should be +snubbed in proportion to the value of our opinions is also equally +clear. There are some pretty dark places in this world: the Black Hole +of Calcutta; the <i>oubliette</i> of Chillon Castle, the Torture Chambers of +Nuremberg, and the grottoes of the Mammoth Cave, for instance; but there +is no such utter exclusion of light, such profound oblivion, such +blackness of darkness, as awaits anything which may be committed to the +dungeon of a Congressional Committee. Most decidedly, therefore, we +would rather not be referred.</p> + +<hr> + +<p>Learned men in Massachusetts are just now confronted with an alarming +possibility. They have been racking their brains to solve the problem +whether population is increasing there faster than the means of +subsistence, and with the expectation of discovering that it is, they +have reached a precisely opposite result. The awful announcement is put +forth, that the supply of babies is diminishing, and the question "What +shall we do to remedy it?" is asked. So persistently is this +interrogatory urged, that young unmarried men perambulating the streets +of Boston, or sauntering leisurely about the Common, are liable at any +moment to be accosted by advanced single ladies with wild, haggard +looks, who stop them face to face, seize them by the shoulders, and +gazing at them with keen, imploring glances, as if they would read their +souls through their eyes, seem to cry "And what have <i>you</i> got to say +about it, O wifeless youth? and why do <i>you</i> let the precious moments +fly when we are willing and ready to be sacrificed? and what are <i>we</i> +all coming to, and where are <i>you</i> all going to, and where will Boston +be if this thing goes on?" But these thoughtless and jeering bachelors +will not stop to hear the wail of their challengers; they feel no pity +for their despair; they have no stomach for their agony; but go their +ways, leaving the wretched females rooted, transfixed, the picture of +perfect hopelessness, and greeting them, ere they disappear from sight, +with shouts of scoffing laughter, which the winds catch up and carry +away out of earshot.</p> + +<hr> + +<p>~Something that most People would like a Little Longer.~</p> + +<p>Strawberry Short Cake.</p> + +<hr> +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="06.jpg (277K)" src="06.jpg" height="1006" width="713"> +</center> +<br><br> + +<hr> + +<h2>~CONDENSED CONGRESS.~</h2> + +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<img alt="07.jpg (72K)" src="07.jpg" height="596" width="372"> + + +</td><td> +<h4>SENATE.</h4> + +<p>In spite of the obstinate silence of SUMNER, the Senate has been lively. +Its first proceeding was to pass a bill—an interminable and long-drawn +bill—ostensibly to enforce the Fifteenth Amendment. But the title is a +little joke. As no single person can read this bill and live, and as no +person other than a member of the bar of Philadelphia could understand +it, if he survived the reading of it, PUNCHINELLO deemed it his duty to +have the bill read by relays of strong men. What, is the result? Six of +his most valued contributors sleep in the valley. But what are their +lives to the welfare of the universe, for which he exists. The bill +provides,</p> + +<p>1. That any person of a darker color than chrome yellow shall hereafter +be entitled to vote to any extent at any election, without reference to +age, sex, or previous condition, anything anywhere to the contrary +notwithstanding.</p> + +<p>2. That any person who says that any such person ought not to vote shall +be punishable by fine to the extent of his possessions, and shall be +anathema.</p> + + + + +<p>3. That any person who shall, with intent to prevent the voting of any +such person, strike such person upon the nose, eye, mouth, or other +feature, within one mile of any place of voting, within one week of any +day of voting, shall be punishable by fine to the extent of twice his +possessions, and shall be disentitled to vote forever after. Moreover he +shall be anathema.</p> +</td></tr> +</table> + + +<p>4. That any person who shall advise any other person to question the +right of any person of the hue hereinbefore specified to vote, or to do +any other act whatsoever, shall be punishable by fine to the extent of +three times his possessions, and shall be anathema.</p> + +<p>5. That all the fines collected under this act shall be expended upon +the endowment of "The Society for Securing the Pursuit of Happiness to +American Citizens of African Descent." And if any person shall call in +question the justice of such a disposition of such fines, he shall be +punishable by fine to the extent of four times his possessions, and +shall be anathema.</p> + +<p>Mr. WILSON objected to anathema. He said nobody in the Senate but SUMNER +knew what it meant. Besides, it was borrowed from the syllabus of a +degraded superstition. He moved to substitute the simple and +intelligible expression, "Hebedam."</p> + +<p>The Senate settled their little dispute about who was entitled to a +medal for coming first to the defence of the Capital. They decided to +give medals to everybody. Mr. CAMERON was satisfied. If the Senate only +medalled enough, that was all he asked. There were about five thousand +wavering voters in his district, whom he thought he could fix, if he +could give them a medal apiece.</p> + +<p>Mr. CONKLING said he would like to medal some men. But he did not like +such meddlesome men as CAMERON.</p> + +<p>Mr. DRAKE moved to deprive anybody in Missouri who differed from him in +politics of practicing any profession. He said that many of the citizens +of that State were incarnate demons—so much so that when they had an +important law case they would rather intrust it to somebody else than +himself. Was this right? He asked the Senate to protect him as a native +industry.</p> + +<h4>HOUSE.</h4> + +<p>Mr. INGERSOLL floated his powerful mind in air-line railroads. He wanted +"that air" line from Washington to New York. This 'ere line didn't suit +him. He appealed to the House to protect its members from the untold +horrors of passing through Philadelphia. He had no doubt that much of +the imbecility which he remarked in his colleagues, and possibly some of +the imbecility they had remarked in him, were due to this dreadful +ordeal. He admitted that good juleps were to be had at he Mint. But +juleps had beguiled even SAMSON, and cut his hair off. His colleague, +LOGAN, might not be as strong as SAMSON, but he would be as entirely +useless and unimpressive an object with his hair off.</p> + +<p>Then there was a debate upon the proposition to abolish the mission to +Rome.</p> + +<p>Mr. BROOKS said most of his constituents were Roman Catholics. Therefore +there should be a mission to Rome.</p> + +<p>Mr. DAWES said that BROOKS used to be a Know-Nothing. Therefore there +should not be a mission to Rome.</p> + +<p>Mr. COX said that they used to burn witches in Massachusetts. Therefore +there should be a mission to Rome.</p> + +<p>Mr. HOAR said they didn't. Therefore there should not be a mission to +Rome.</p> + +<p>Mr. VOORHEES said they burnt a Roman Catholic Asylum in Boston. +Therefore there should be a mission to Rome.</p> + +<p>Mr. DAWES said they burnt a Negro Asylum in New York. Therefore there +should not be a mission to Rome.</p> + +<p>Mr. VOORHEES said DAWES was another. Therefore there should be a mission +to Rome.</p> + +<p>Mr. BINGHAM said POWELL was a much better painter than TITIAN, and +VINNIE REAM a much better sculptor than MICHAEL ANGELO. Therefore there +should not be a mission to Rome.</p> + +<p><i>Republican Chorus.</i> You are.</p> + +<p><i>Democratic Chorus.</i> We ain't.</p> + +<p><i>Republican Chorus.</i> You did.</p> + +<p><i>Democratic Chorus.</i> We didn't.</p> + +<p><i>Solo by the Speaker.</i> Order.</p> + +<p><i>Democratic Chorus.</i> There should be (<i>da capo</i> with gavel +accompaniment.)</p> + +<p><i>Republican Chorus.</i> There should not be (ditto, ditto.) After weighing +these arguments, the House adjourned without doing anything about it.</p> + +<hr> + +<h2>~A BAD "ODOR" IN THE WEST.~</h2> + +<p>"The Coroner's Jury investigating the Missouri Pacific Railroad +slaughter have found that it was all caused by the disobedience and +negligence of WILLIAM ODOR, conductor of the extra freight +train!"—Daily Paper.</p> + +<p>This "conductor" is as dangerous as some (of the "lightning" species) +which we have seen dangling disjointed from the roofs and walls of +dwelling-houses in the country. At the first shock, good-bye to you! if +you are anywhere around. Or, rather, he may be compared to the miasma +from ditches and stagnant ponds, inhaled at all times by our rustic +fellow citizens, with the trustfulness (if not relish) of the most +extreme simplicity. And yet, it kills them, all the same. No one out +West would have cared a pin about WILLIAM'S "disobedience" and +"negligence," if these trifling eccentricities hadn't occasioned the +killing or maiming of several car-loads of passengers. It is hard to +shock these Western folks' sense of honor and fidelity; but kill a few +of them, and the rest begin to feel it. We suppose that just now this +BILL can't pass there. But, our word for it, he'll soon be in +circulation again. Perhaps he may yet have the pleasure of Conducting +some of <i>us</i> to that Station from which, etc., etc. Before we take our +contemplated trip to the West, therefore, we fervently desire to have +this ODOR neutralised, even though one should do it with strychnine.</p> + +<hr> + +<h2>~INFORMATION WANTED.~</h2> + +<p>The correspondent of a Boston paper writes as follows, after having +visited the <i>Reichstag</i>:</p> + +<p>"You may be sure that that man is BISMARCK; if from time to time he +irons out his face wearily with his hands, as he studies a long +document, or if by chance some unlucky member, attracting his disdain, +calls his mind to the fact that he is in Parliament, then he starts to +his feet like a war-horse, and talks with great grace and ease, always +rapidly, always briefly."</p> + +<p>Why is it that BISMARCK irons out his face? Is it because he has just +washed it—or is it to conceal his identity, as the features of the Man +in the Mask were ironed out?</p> + +<p>And why does the great Minister start to his feet like a war-horse? +PUNCHINELLO, not having been an Alderman or Member of Congress, +recently, is not very familiar with the getting up of war horses; but +the ordinary equine animal does not assume the upright posture with +great readiness or grace. If PUNCHINELLO were to become a member of the +<i>Reichstag,</i> an event now highly probable, he would like to have every +adversary in debate "start to his feet like a war-horse."</p> + +<hr> +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="08.jpg (207K)" src="08.jpg" height="695" width="734"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<h2> +~THE ROMAUNT OF THE OYSTER.~</h2> + +<p> In the moonlight at Cattawampus<br> + We sat by the surging sea,<br> + "And O how I long for an oyster,"<br> + Said FELICIA FITZ-SNYDER to me.</p> +<br> +<p> Then I said, "Would were mine the power,<br> + Deep, deep, to the deepmost sea<br> + I would fly on the wings of an oyster<br> + To gather a pearl for thee.</p> +<br> +<p> "Where the oysters are roystering together<br> + In the caves and the grots where they lie,<br> + And the clams with a musical clamor<br> + Rejoice when the water is high,"</p> +<br> +<p> "O, there would my spirit conduct thee.<br> + Till, as waves began to swell,<br> + Thou shoulds't rise o'er the crest of the billows,<br> + Like a VENUS upon the half-shell!"</p> +<br> +<p> 'Twas enough: for I saw her eye stir,<br> + And ope like an oyster wide,<br> + As in accents hysteric she whispered,<br> + "No, FELIX—I'd like 'em fried!"</p> +<br> +<p> Did she take me, alas! for a friar,<br> + Or a man of a soul austere,<br> + That pearl of my heart's Chincoteague?<br> + Oh, no, she had nothing to fear.</p> +<br> +<p> Then we reached the hotel together<br> + And partook of two plates of fry,<br> + And I marvelled to think than an oyster<br> + Had hoisted her spirits so high.</p> + + </td></tr> +</table> +</center> + +<hr> + +<h2>~FOREIGN CORRESPONDENCE.~</h2> + +<h4>(By Atlantic Cable.)</h4> + +<p>Leaving Rome, I have called next on NAPOLEON, at Paris. He sent word, +through OLLIVIER, that be wanted to see me. He looks <i>old.</i> Some medical +man has put forth the idea that he has BRIGHT'S disease. An English +<i>attache</i> just asked me whether that has any reference to JOHN BRIGHT. +As the latter is a Quaker, the first symptom of this disease must have +been shown long ago, when the Emperor said, "The Empire is Peace." I +satisfied my friend, however, that the case was not one of that Kidney.</p> + +<p>Well, the Emperor asked me, "What do they say of me in America?"</p> + +<p>"Sire, we think you are very wise, to accept the inevitable, and make a +virtue of it."</p> + +<p>"Wise, of course. Disinterested, too!"</p> + +<p>"<i>Pardonnez moi.</i> Not ever <i>wise, of course.</i> Mexico was a folly, you +know."</p> + +<p>"I know; though if you were not PUNCHINELLO, you should not say it. Will +my son reign in France?"</p> + +<p>"Sire, I am not an oracle. But they have a proverb in my country, that +it never rains but it pours."</p> + +<p>"<i>Je n'entends pas.</i> The <i>plebiscite</i> was rather a neat thing!"</p> + +<p>"Worthy of its author. The old story; heads I win, tails you lose. But, +will your Majesty say what you think of the Pope?"</p> + +<p>"That old Popinjay! He has been my folly, greater than Mexico. He would +have gone to Gaeta, or to perdition, long ago, but for <i>Madame!</i>"</p> + +<p>"And the Council?"</p> + +<p>"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"</p> + +<p>"What do you think of BISMARCK?"</p> + +<p>"Monsieur, I detain you too long. You have, I am sure, an engagement. +<i>Bon jour!</i>"</p> + +<p><i>Apropos</i> of the Emperor, it is said that, on the suggestion of +England's proposal to take charge of Greece, and clean out the brigands, +if the King and ministers there would resign,—Col. FISK telegraphed on +to NAPOLEON, offering to take charge of the government of France, as a +recreation, among his various engagements. He does not even require the +Emperor to withdraw; be can run the machine about as well with him as +without him.</p> + +<p>As to the <i>Plebisculum,</i> they say that EUGENIE asked for masses to be +said in all the churches for its success. NAPOLEON preferred to make his +appeal to the <i>masses outside</i> of the churches.</p> + +<p>ITALY.</p> + +<p>Bishop VERELLI last week declared, in a sermon, that railroads, +telegraphs, and the press, were all inventions of the devil. A +correspondent of the Tribune at once sent him word that this was a +mistake. HORACE GREELEY had already proved that railroads and telegraphs +were inventions of British Free Trade; and that the press had been +invented by his grandfather, for the promulgation of protection.</p> + +<p>Since the telegram came through Florence, of a serious riot at +Filadelfia, in Italy, a tourist from Penn's city of brotherly love +understood it to be that Col. TOM FLORENCE was seriously hurt in a riot +at Philadelphia! I telegraphed for him, to my old friend the Colonel, +and learned, with satisfaction, that not a hair of TOM'S head had been +shortened.</p> + +<p>ENGLAND.</p> + +<p>In Parliament, an interesting debate occurred the other night. Mr. +DAWSON moved a resolution condemning the raising of large revenue in +India from opium. Mr. WINGFIELD opposed the resolution, arguing that +opium was less hurtful than alcohol. Mr. TITMOUSE, a young member, added +that arsenic is less hurtful than strychnine; also, that this is less +injurious than prussic acid. Mr. GLADSTONE did not see what that had to +do with the case. Neither did I.</p> + +<p>Mr. DENNISON hoped that mere sentiment would not be suffered to +interfere with the prosperity of India. Mr. TITMOUSE then suggested the +sending of the volunteer Rifles to take immediate possession of China; +that would not be sentimental, but practical. Mr. HENLEY believed that +to be a more costly affair than he was prepared for; but, whenever the +interest of England required it, he was ready. What are the lives of a +hundred million Chinese to the financial prosperity of England? Mr. +GLADSTONE considered that opium was merely a drug, after all. It was not +worth while to consume the time of the House about it. And so the +resolution was lost.</p> + +<p>PRIME.</p> + +<hr> + +<h3>~A Mathematical Problem.~</h3> + +<p>If one United States Marshal can capture a Fenian General surrounded by +his army, in five minutes, how long would it take him to capture the +army?</p> + +<hr> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<img alt="09.jpg (83K)" src="09.jpg" height="603" width="408"> + +</td><td> +<h2>THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.</h2> + +<p>Kant is admitted to be one of the greatest of the German philosophers. +(That fact has nothing whatever to do with the Plays and Shows, but the +artist insisting upon making K the initial letter of this column, the +writer was obliged to begin with Kant—Kelley being hopelessly +associated in the public mind with pig-iron, and all other metaphorical +quays from which he might have launched his weekly bark being +unreasonably spelled with a Q.)</p> + +<p>German philosophy, however, resembles Italian Opera in one particular: +it consists more of sound than of sense. Both have a like effect upon +the undersigned, in that they lead him into the paths of innocence and +peace; in short, they put him to sleep. A few nights since he went to +hear Miss KELLOGG in <i>Poliuto</i>. He listened with attention through the +first act, drowsily through the second, and from the shades of dreamland +in the third. Between the acts he lounged in the lobbies and heard the +critics speak with sneering derision of the complimentary notices of the +American Nightingale which they were about to write, while they +expressed, with sardonic smiles, a longing for the day when they would +be "allowed"—such was their singular expression—to "speak the truth +about Miss KELLOGG as a prima donna." And while he sat with closed eyes +during the third act, wondering whether he should believe the critics in +the flesh, or their criticisms in the columns of their respective +journals, he saw rehearsed before him a new operatic perversion of +MACBETH, as unlike the original as even VERDI'S MACBETTO, and quite as +inexplicable to the unsophisticated mind. And this is what he saw:</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> + +<p><i>Scene, the Dark Cave in fourteenth street. In the middle a Cauldron +boiling. Thunder—and probably small beer—behind the scenes. Enter +three Witches.</i></p> + +<p><i>1st Witch</i>. Thrice the Thomas cat hath yowled.</p> + +<p><i>2d Witch</i>. Thrice; and once the hedge-hog howled.</p> + +<p><i>3d Witch</i>. All of which is wholly irrelevant to our present purpose, +which is to summon what my friend Sir BULWER LYTTON would call the +Scin-Laeca, or, apparition of each living critic from the nasty deep of +the cauldron, and to interview him in order to hear what he really +thinks of Miss KELLOGG.</p> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<p><i>lst Witch</i><br> + "Round about the cauldron go,<br> + In the poisoned whiskey throw<br> + Lager, that on coldest stone,<br> + Days and nights hast thirty one."</p></td></tr> +</table></center> + +<p><i>Enter</i> MACSTRAKOSCH. "How now, you secret black and midnight hags, what +is't you do?"</p> + +<p><i>All</i> "A deed that under present circumstances it would be superfluous +to name."</p> + +<p><i>MacStrakosch</i>. "I conjure you by that which you profess, (how'er you +come to know it,) answer me to what I ask you."</p> + +<p><i>lst Witch</i>. "Speak."</p> + +<p><i>2d Witch</i>. "Proceed."</p> + +<p><i>3d Witch</i>. "Out with it, old boy."</p> + +<p><i>MacStrakosch</i>. "What do these fellows really think, whom we compel to +write so sweetly of our own Connecticut <i>prima donna</i>?"</p> + +<p><i>All</i><br> + "Come high or low, come jack or even game,<br> + We'll answer all your questions just the same."</p> + +<p><i>Thunder. An apparition of a critic rises.</i></p> + +<p><i>MacStrakosch</i>.</p> + +<p>"Tell me, thou unknown power, what thinkest thou Of our own native +nightingale?"</p> +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> +<p><i>Apparition</i>.</p> + +<p> "Her voice is clear and bright, but far too thin<br> + For a great singer.—Such in truth she's not.<br> + Dismiss me!" (<i>Descends</i>.)</p> +<br> +<p><i>MacStrakosch</i>.</p> +<br> +<p> "Dismissed thou shalt be if thy editor<br> + Will listen to our singer's and MAECENAS' plaint.<br> + But one word more."</p> +<br> +<p><i>Thunder. Second apparition of a critic rises.</i></p> +<br> +<p><i>Apparition</i>.</p> +<br> +<p> "Her voice is good in quality, but then<br> + There's not sufficient of it for a queen<br> + Of the lyric stage. Yet such she claims to be,<br> + But is not. Now dismiss me." (<i>Descends</i>.)</p> +<br> +<p><i>MacStrakosch</i>.</p> +<br> +<p> "Yea; and I will unless thy master's ear<br> + Be deaf to the demand of good society.<br> + Let me hear more!"</p> +<br> +<p><i>Thunder. Third apparition of a critic rises.</i></p> +<br> +<p><i>Apparition</i>.</p> +<br> +<p> "Her lower notes are bad, her upper notes<br> + Forced, reedy, and most sadly often flat;<br> + 'Tis folly to compare her with the great<br> + Full-voiced and plenteous Parepa. Now<br> + Dismiss me if thou wilt."</p> +<br> +<p><i>MacStrakosch</i>.</p> +<br> +<p> "Sacrilegious wretch! I have thy name<br> + Upon my tablets. Thy official head<br> + Comes off at once. Call up, ye midnight hags,<br> + Another of these villains."</p> +<br> +<p><i>Thunder. Fourth apparition of a critic rises.</i></p> +<br> +<p><i>Apparition</i>.</p> +<br> +<p> "Her acting, like her voice, is cold and hard;<br> + Not thus did GRISI, GAZZANIGA or<br> + CORTESI act when their warm Southern blood<br> + Throbbed in the passionate pulse of VIOLETTA,<br> + NORMA, or the Spanish LEONORE.<br> + Dismiss me, quick."</p> +<br> +<p><i>MacStralosch</i>.</p> +<br> +<p> "Thon diest ere to-morrow's sun shall set,<br> + Or never more advertisement of mine<br> + Shall grace the columns of thy journal. Next."</p> +<br> +<p><i>Thunder. Fifth apparition of a critic rises.</i></p> +<br> +<p><i>Apparition</i>.</p> +<br> +<p> "She in the same in everything she sings;<br> + Her 'Gilda,' her 'Amina,' or her 'Marguerite,'<br> + Her 'Leonora,' or her 'Daughter of<br> + The Regiment,' are one and all the same<br> + Fair lady decked in different stage costumes.<br> + Better dismiss me, now. I've told the truth,<br> + And may continue that unseemly practice."</p> +<br> +<p><i>MacStrakosch</i>.</p> +<br> +<p> "This is past bearing. Are there any more<br> + Of these rude fellows waiting to be summoned?"</p> + + </td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + +<p><i>Thunder. Eight apparitions of critics rise and pass over the stage, +reciting the following chorus:</i></p> + +<p><i>Apparitions</i>.</p> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> +<p> "She has a pretty little voice, and uses it<br> + In pretty little ways. If she would sing<br> + In pretty little theatres she'd make a hit<br> + In pretty little parts. That's everything<br> + That can be said for her. Cease then to claim<br> + That "KELLOGG" should be writ next GRISI'S name."</p> +</td></tr> +</table> + </center> + +<p><i>The apparitions vanish. An alarm of drums is heard, and</i> MATADOR +<i>awakes to find that he is still enduring Poliuto, and that a sporadic +drum in the orchestra, which has broken loose from the weak restraints +of the conductor's discipline, is making Verdi unnecessarily hideous.</i></p> + +<p>And as he passed once more and finally through the lobby, he heard a +critic remark, "She is the same in everything she sings;" and another +reply, "Yes, she has a pretty little voice, and uses it nicely, but she +is by no means a great singer." Struck by the similarity of these +remarks to those made by the apparitions in his vision, he began to +doubt whether his dream did not, after all, contain a large alloy of +truth, and the more he thought on the subject the more he was led to +believe that for once he had really heard the critics of the New York +press indulging in an unrestrained expression of honest opinion.</p> + +<p>MATADOR</p> + +<hr> + +<h3>~Bingham on Rome.~</h3> + +<p>"Talk to me at this time of day about Borne being the Mother of Arts!" +cries Mr. BUNCOMBE BINGHAM, M.C. PUNCHINELLO fervently hopes that at no +time of the day will anybody ever talk to BINGHAM about Borne being the +Mother of Arts. The reason therefor is obvious. "Why, sir," says +BINGHAM, "there is more of that genius which makes even the marble itself +wear the divine beauty of life, more of that power to-day in living +America, than was ever dreamed of in Rome, living or dead!" We think we +hear BINGHAM exclaim, with the gladiator-like championship of Art for +which he is renowned—"Bring on your MICHAEL ANGELOS; produce your +CHIAROSCUROS, your MASANIELLOS, your SAVONAROLAS and the rest of +'em—but show me a match for VINNIE REAM!"</p> + +<hr> +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="10.jpg (113K)" src="10.jpg" height="735" width="559"> +</center> +<br><br> + +<p>Jenkins (<i>Chaffing glazier, who is mending basement window</i>.) "NOW, MY +FRIEND, TRY TO GET OUT THAT WAY. YOU KNOW YOU MUST HAVE BEEN PUT IN FOR +<i>something</i>, AND YOU'LL ONLY AGGRAVATE MATTERS IF YOU TRY TO BREAK +JAIL."]</p> + +<hr> + +<h3>~Chinopathy.~</h3> + +<p>Did the gentleman who threw a brick at a dog on a very hot day (when no +doubt that inoffensive animal was in a stew) imagine that he had hit +upon the whole of the common Chinese <i>materia medica?</i> PUNCHINELLO is +gravely told that a Celestial doctor is about to come to New York, whose +favorite prescriptions, in accordance with Chinese practice, "will be +baked clay-dust, similar to brick-dust and dog-soup." In one of these +remedies the medical acumen of PUNCHINELLO recognizes a homoeopathic +principle. Man having been made out of the dust of the earth, nothing is +so well adapted to cure him as baked clay. Every man's house is now not +only his castle, but his apothecary shop. A brick may be considered a +panacea, and may be carried in the hat. Taken internally, it will go to +the building up of the system. Applied to the head it is good for +fractures. Dog-soup has an evident advantage over the usual +prescriptions of Bark.</p> + +<hr> + +<h3>~Greek Meeting Greek.~</h3> + +<p>We learn that "a naval architect named DUNKIN claims to have constructed +a new style of vessel, impervious to rams, shell, or shot." Now, then, +where is our friend, Captain ERICSSON? The Captain has a torpedo which +he is anxious to explode, near a strong vessel belonging to somebody +else. He says it will blow up anything. DUNIN says nothing can blow up +his vessel. A contest between these very positive inventors would be a +positive luxury—to those who had nothing to risk. We bet on the +torpedo.</p> + +<hr> + +<h3>~The "New Muscle".~</h3> + +<p>It was a mere joke, that stuff about the "new muscle in the human body," +said to have been found by an English anatomist. It simply meant that, +the Oyster Months being past, the "human body" begins to be nourished +with soft-shell clams.</p> + +<hr> + +<h2>~GRAVESTONES FOR SALE.~</h2> + +<h4>Bargains in Immortality</h4> + +<p>The undersigned offers for sale to the highest bidder, up to Doomsday +next, several choice lots of tombstones. Bidders will state price and +terms of payment, and accepted purchasers will remove the monuments from +their present localities, at their own risk. The lots are:</p> + +<p>1st. A gravestone of white marble. It is about 65 feet square at the +base, and is the frustrum of a pyramid, truncated at about 140 feet. It +is filled with a square hole, upon the sides of which are inscriptions +let into various colored marbles, and in the languages of the peoples +who inhabited a great country ages ago. The stone was designed to be put +over the remains of PRO PATRIA, a personage once celebrated for loyalty +and wisdom, but whose teachings are now well nigh forgotten, and whose +name even is fast being obliterated from the memories of radical +improvers of governments and republican institutions. This lot may be +seen south of the mouth of Goose Creek, in a district called Columbia.</p> + +<p>2d. A gravestone consisting of a square house of Illinois marble, with a +piece of a smoke-stack protruding from the roof. About one-third of the +estimated cost had been expended, when the persons who were to furnish +the means suddenly concluded that the Little Giant could sleep just as +well in a filthy unmarked hole in the ground, as under a pile of marble. +Besides, being dead, he couldn't get any more offices for his +constituents, so they found out they didn't care a cuss for him. Further +information about this stone can be obtained by applying to any citizen +of Chicago.</p> + +<p>3d. A monument which we haven't seen, and so can't describe. It is +supposed to be at Springfield, Illinois, and was intended for a person +once called a railsplitter—a man much homelier than the typical hedge +fence, but as good as homely. He was thought to be a second PRO PATRIA, +MOSES, or some such person, and was sworn by, by millions of people who +would now almost deny ever having heard of him. At the time he went out +everybody wanted to put up a gravestone immediately—almost before he +needed one. Now, everybody isn't altogether enough to provide one. For +further particulars about the Springfield stone, inquire of any red-hot +radical.</p> + +<p>There are some other lots, but we will not offer them until we see how +the present ones go off.</p> + +<p>GHOUL, <i>Undertaker.</i></p> + +<hr> + +<h2>~LATEST ABOUT "LO!"~</h2> + +<p>The Irrepressible Black having been repressed, here comes the +Irrepressible Red! HIAWATHA is cutting up a great variety of capers as +well as of unfortunate settlers. Should you ask us why this bloodshed, +Why this scalping and this burning, Why this conduct most disgraceful, +Why these crimes of the Piegans, Why this sending forth of soldiers, Why +the perils of the railway, known as and called the way Pacific, (which +it won't be if these actions are allowed to go unpunished,) We should +tell you—whiskey! to say nothing of the indomitable propensity which +rises in the Piegan bosom for scalps. The noble Son of the Forest is an +amateur in scalps; as some of us are all for old books and others for +old coins. But however much we may respect the enthusiasm of the wild +Rover of the Plains, in making these collections of cranial curiosities, +we feel that the red virtuoso is really going too far—at least we +should feel so, we have no doubt, if he were taking off our own private +scalp, which is a very handsome one, and which we hope to be buried in. +No; the Piegan passion for scalps must be suppressed. But how? Some say +by more whiskey. Some say by less. Some say by none at all. We are for +the more instead of the less. There is whiskey and whiskey. Now our idea +would be to send an unlimited supply of the more deadly variety of that +exhilarating fluid, (highly camphened,) to the convivial Piegans. After +an extensive debauch upon this potent tipple, very few Piegans would be +likely to take the field, either this summer or any other. They would be +Dead Reds, every rascal of them.</p> + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="11.jpg (208K)" src="11.jpg" height="1120" width="760"> +</center> +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="12.jpg (216K)" src="12.jpg" height="1137" width="760"> +</center> +<br><br> + +<hr> + +<br><br> + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 11, June 11, +1870, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 11 *** + +This file should be named 8p11110h.htm or 8p11110h.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 8p11111h.htm +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 8p11110ah.htm + +Produced by David Widger, Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, +Sandra Brown and PG Distributed Proofreaders + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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