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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/977-0.txt b/977-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d26d681 --- /dev/null +++ b/977-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3151 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of American Notes, by Rudyard Kipling + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: American Notes + +Author: Rudyard Kipling + +Posting Date: July 21, 2008 [EBook #977] +Release Date: July, 1997 +Last Updated: March 9, 2018 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AMERICAN NOTES *** + + + + +Produced by Judith Boss + + + + + +AMERICAN NOTES + +by Rudyard Kipling + + +With Introduction + + + + +Introduction + +In an issue of the London World in April, 1890, there appeared the +following paragraph: “Two small rooms connected by a tiny hall afford +sufficient space to contain Mr. Rudyard Kipling, the literary hero of +the present hour, 'the man who came from nowhere,' as he says himself, +and who a year ago was consciously nothing in the literary world.” + +Six months previous to this Mr. Kipling, then but twenty-four years old, +had arrived in England from India to find that fame had preceded him. He +had already gained fame in India, where scores of cultured and critical +people, after reading “Departmental Ditties,” “Plain Tales from the +Hills,” and various other stories and verses, had stamped him for a +genius. + +Fortunately for everybody who reads, London interested and stimulated +Mr. Kipling, and he settled down to writing. “The Record of Badalia +Herodsfoot,” and his first novel, “The Light that Failed,” appeared +in 1890 and 1891; then a collection of verse, “Life's Handicap, being +stories of Mine Own People,” was published simultaneously in London and +New York City; then followed more verse, and so on through an unending +series. + +In 1891 Mr. Kipling met the young author Wolcott Balestier, at that +time connected with a London publishing house. A strong attachment grew +between the two, and several months after their first meeting they +came to Mr. Balestier's Vermont home, where they collaborated on “The +Naulahka: A Story of West and East,” for which The Century paid the +largest price ever given by an American magazine for a story. The +following year Mr. Kipling married Mr. Balestier's sister in London and +brought her to America. + +The Balestiers were of an aristocratic New York family; the grandfather +of Mrs. Kipling was J. M. Balestier, a prominent lawyer in New York City +and Chicago, who died in 1888, leaving a fortune of about a million. Her +maternal grandfather was E. Peshine Smith of Rochester, N. Y., a noted +author and jurist, who was selected in 1871 by Secretary Hamilton +Fish to go to Japan as the Mikado's adviser in international law. The +ancestral home of the Balestiers was near Brattleboro', Vt., and here +Mr. Kipling brought his bride. The young Englishman was so impressed by +the Vermont scenery that he rented for a time the cottage on the “Bliss +Farm,” in which Steele Mackaye the playwright wrote the well known drama +“Hazel Kirke.” + +The next spring Mr. Kipling purchased from his brother-in-law, Beatty +Balestier, a tract of land about three miles north of Brattleboro', Vt., +and on this erected a house at a cost of nearly $50,000, which he named +“The Naulahka.” This was his home during his sojourn in America. Here +he wrote when in the mood, and for recreation tramped abroad over the +hills. His social duties at this period were not arduous, for to his +home he refused admittance to all but tried friends. He made a study of +the Yankee country dialect and character for “The Walking Delegate,” and +while “Captains Courageous,” the story of New England fisher life, was +before him he spent some time among the Gloucester fishermen with an +acquaintance who had access to the household gods of these people. + +He returned to England in August, 1896, and did not visit America again +till 1899, when he came with his wife and three children for a limited +time. + +It is hardly fair to Mr. Kipling to call “American Notes” first +impressions, for one reading them will readily see that the impressions +are superficial, little thought being put upon the writing. They seem +super-sarcastic, and would lead one to believe that Mr. Kipling is +antagonistic to America in every respect. This, however, is not true. +These “Notes” aroused much protest and severe criticism when they +appeared in 1891, and are considered so far beneath Mr. Kipling's real +work that they have been nearly suppressed and are rarely found in +a list of his writings. Their very caustic style is of interest to a +student and lover of Kipling, and for this reason the publishers believe +them worthy of a good binding. + +G. P. T. + + + + +Contents + +AT THE GOLDEN GATE + +AMERICAN POLITICS + +AMERICAN SALMON + +THE YELLOWSTONE + +CHICAGO + +THE AMERICAN ARMY + +AMERICA'S DEFENCELESS COASTS + + + + + +I. AT THE GOLDEN GATE + + “Serene, indifferent to fate, + Thou sittest at the Western Gate; + Thou seest the white seas fold their tents, + Oh, warder of two continents; + Thou drawest all things, small and great, + To thee, beside the Western Gate.” + +THIS is what Bret Harte has written of the great city of San Francisco, +and for the past fortnight I have been wondering what made him do it. + +There is neither serenity nor indifference to be found in these parts; +and evil would it be for the continents whose wardship were intrusted to +so reckless a guardian. + +Behold me pitched neck-and-crop from twenty days of the high seas into +the whirl of California, deprived of any guidance, and left to draw my +own conclusions. Protect me from the wrath of an outraged community +if these letters be ever read by American eyes! San Francisco is a mad +city--inhabited for the most part by perfectly insane people, whose +women are of a remarkable beauty. + +When the “City of Pekin” steamed through the Golden Gate, I saw with +great joy that the block-house which guarded the mouth of the “finest +harbor in the world, sir,” could be silenced by two gunboats from Hong +Kong with safety, comfort, and despatch. Also, there was not a single +American vessel of war in the harbor. + +This may sound bloodthirsty; but remember, I had come with a grievance +upon me--the grievance of the pirated English books. + +Then a reporter leaped aboard, and ere I could gasp held me in his +toils. He pumped me exhaustively while I was getting ashore, demanding +of all things in the world news about Indian journalism. It is an awful +thing to enter a new land with a new lie on your lips. I spoke the truth +to the evil-minded Custom House man who turned my most sacred raiment on +a floor composed of stable refuse and pine splinters; but the reporter +overwhelmed me not so much by his poignant audacity as his beautiful +ignorance. I am sorry now that I did not tell him more lies as I passed +into a city of three hundred thousand white men. Think of it! Three +hundred thousand white men and women gathered in one spot, walking +upon real pavements in front of plate-glass-windowed shops, and talking +something that at first hearing was not very different from English. It +was only when I had tangled myself up in a hopeless maze of small wooden +houses, dust, street refuse, and children who played with empty kerosene +tins, that I discovered the difference of speech. + +“You want to go to the Palace Hotel?” said an affable youth on a dray. +“What in hell are you doing here, then? This is about the lowest ward in +the city. Go six blocks north to corner of Geary and Markey, then walk +around till you strike corner of Gutter and Sixteenth, and that brings +you there.” + +I do not vouch for the literal accuracy of these directions, quoting but +from a disordered memory. + +“Amen,” I said. “But who am I that I should strike the corners of such +as you name? Peradventure they be gentlemen of repute, and might hit +back. Bring it down to dots, my son.” + +I thought he would have smitten me, but he didn't. He explained that no +one ever used the word “street,” and that every one was supposed to know +how the streets ran, for sometimes the names were upon the lamps and +sometimes they weren't. Fortified with these directions, I proceeded +till I found a mighty street, full of sumptuous buildings four and five +stories high, but paved with rude cobblestones, after the fashion of the +year 1. + +Here a tram-car, without any visible means of support, slid stealthily +behind me and nearly struck me in the back. This was the famous cable +car of San Francisco, which runs by gripping an endless wire rope sunk +in the ground, and of which I will tell you more anon. A hundred yards +further there was a slight commotion in the street, a gathering together +of three or four, something that glittered as it moved very swiftly. A +ponderous Irish gentleman, with priest's cords in his hat and a small +nickel-plated badge on his fat bosom, emerged from the knot supporting +a Chinaman who had been stabbed in the eye and was bleeding like a +pig. The by-standers went their ways, and the Chinaman, assisted by the +policeman, his own. Of course this was none of my business, but I rather +wanted to know what had happened to the gentleman who had dealt +the stab. It said a great deal for the excellence of the municipal +arrangement of the town that a surging crowd did not at once block the +street to see what was going forward. I was the sixth man and the last +who assisted at the performance, and my curiosity was six times the +greatest. Indeed, I felt ashamed of showing it. + +There were no more incidents till I reached the Palace Hotel, a +seven-storied warren of humanity with a thousand rooms in it. All the +travel books will tell you about hotel arrangements in this country. +They should be seen to be appreciated. Understand clearly--and this +letter is written after a thousand miles of experiences--that money +will not buy you service in the West. When the hotel clerk--the man +who awards your room to you and who is supposed to give you +information--when that resplendent individual stoops to attend to your +wants he does so whistling or humming or picking his teeth, or pauses +to converse with some one he knows. These performances, I gather, are to +impress upon you that he is a free man and your equal. From his general +appearance and the size of his diamonds he ought to be your superior. +There is no necessity for this swaggering self-consciousness of freedom. +Business is business, and the man who is paid to attend to a man might +reasonably devote his whole attention to the job. Out of office hours he +can take his coach and four and pervade society if he pleases. + +In a vast marble-paved hall, under the glare of an electric light, +sat forty or fifty men, and for their use and amusement were provided +spittoons of infinite capacity and generous gape. Most of the men +wore frock-coats and top-hats--the things that we in India put on at a +wedding-breakfast, if we possess them--but they all spat. They spat on +principle. The spittoons were on the staircases, in each bedroom--yea, +and in chambers even more sacred than these. They chased one into +retirement, but they blossomed in chiefest splendor round the bar, and +they were all used, every reeking one of them. + +Just before I began to feel deathly sick another reporter grappled me. +What he wanted to know was the precise area of India in square miles. I +referred him to Whittaker. He had never heard of Whittaker. He wanted it +from my own mouth, and I would not tell him. Then he swerved off, just +like the other man, to details of journalism in our own country. I +ventured to suggest that the interior economy of a paper most concerned +the people who worked it. + +“That's the very thing that interests us,” he said. “Have you got +reporters anything like our reporters on Indian newspapers?” + +“We have not,” I said, and suppressed the “thank God” rising to my lips. + +“Why haven't you?” said he. + +“Because they would die,” I said. + +It was exactly like talking to a child--a very rude little child. He +would begin almost every sentence with, “Now tell me something about +India,” and would turn aimlessly from one question to the other without +the least continuity. I was not angry, but keenly interested. The man +was a revelation to me. To his questions I returned answers mendacious +and evasive. After all, it really did not matter what I said. He could +not understand. I can only hope and pray that none of the readers of the +“Pioneer” will ever see that portentous interview. The man made me out +to be an idiot several sizes more drivelling than my destiny intended, +and the rankness of his ignorance managed to distort the few poor facts +with which I supplied him into large and elaborate lies. Then, thought +I, “the matter of American journalism shall be looked into later on. At +present I will enjoy myself.” + +No man rose to tell me what were the lions of the place. No one +volunteered any sort of conveyance. I was absolutely alone in this big +city of white folk. By instinct I sought refreshment, and came upon a +barroom full of bad Salon pictures in which men with hats on the backs +of their heads were wolfing food from a counter. It was the institution +of the “free lunch” I had struck. You paid for a drink and got as much +as you wanted to eat. For something less than a rupee a day a man can +feed himself sumptuously in San Francisco, even though he be a bankrupt. +Remember this if ever you are stranded in these parts. + +Later I began a vast but unsystematic exploration of the streets. I +asked for no names. It was enough that the pavements were full of white +men and women, the streets clanging with traffic, and that the restful +roar of a great city rang in my ears. The cable cars glided to all +points of the compass at once. I took them one by one till I could go no +further. San Francisco has been pitched down on the sand bunkers of the +Bikaneer desert. About one fourth of it is ground reclaimed from the +sea--any old-timers will tell you all about that. The remainder is just +ragged, unthrifty sand hills, to-day pegged down by houses. + +From an English point of view there has not been the least attempt +at grading those hills, and indeed you might as well try to grade the +hillocks of Sind. The cable cars have for all practical purposes made +San Francisco a dead level. They take no count of rise or fall, but +slide equably on their appointed courses from one end to the other of a +six-mile street. They turn corners almost at right angles, cross other +lines, and for aught I know may run up the sides of houses. There is +no visible agency of their flight, but once in awhile you shall pass +a five-storied building humming with machinery that winds up an +everlasting wire cable, and the initiated will tell you that here is the +mechanism. I gave up asking questions. If it pleases Providence to make +a car run up and down a slit in the ground for many miles, and if for +twopence halfpenny I can ride in that car, why shall I seek the reasons +of the miracle? Rather let me look out of the windows till the shops +give place to thousands and thousands of little houses made of wood (to +imitate stone), each house just big enough for a man and his family. Let +me watch the people in the cars and try to find out in what manner they +differ from us, their ancestors. + +It grieves me now that I cursed them (in the matter of book piracy), +because I perceived that my curse is working and that their speech is +becoming a horror already. They delude themselves into the belief that +they talk English--the English--and I have already been pitied for +speaking with “an English accent.” The man who pitied me spoke, so far +as I was concerned, the language of thieves. And they all do. Where we +put the accent forward they throw it back, and vice versa where we +give the long “a” they use the short, and words so simple as to be past +mistaking they pronounce somewhere up in the dome of their heads. How do +these things happen? + +Oliver Wendell Holmes says that the Yankee school-marm, the cider and +the salt codfish of the Eastern States, are responsible for what he +calls a nasal accent. I know better. They stole books from across the +water without paying for 'em, and the snort of delight was fixed in +their nostrils forever by a just Providence. That is why they talk a +foreign tongue to-day. + +“Cats is dogs, and rabbits is dogs, and so's parrots. But this 'ere +tortoise is an insect, so there ain't no charge,” as the old porter +said. + +A Hindoo is a Hindoo and a brother to the man who knows his vernacular. +And a Frenchman is French because he speaks his own language. But the +American has no language. He is dialect, slang, provincialism, accent, +and so forth. Now that I have heard their voices, all the beauty of Bret +Harte is being ruined for me, because I find myself catching through the +roll of his rhythmical prose the cadence of his peculiar fatherland. Get +an American lady to read to you “How Santa Claus Came to Simpson's +Bar,” and see how much is, under her tongue, left of the beauty of the +original. + +But I am sorry for Bret Harte. It happened this way. A reporter asked +me what I thought of the city, and I made answer suavely that it was +hallowed ground to me, because of Bret Harte. That was true. + +“Well,” said the reporter, “Bret Harte claims California, but California +don't claim Bret Harte. He's been so long in England that he's quite +English. Have you seen our cracker factories or the new offices of the +'Examiner'?” + +He could not understand that to the outside world the city was worth a +great deal less than the man. I never intended to curse the people with +a provincialism so vast as this. + +But let us return to our sheep--which means the sea-lions of the Cliff +House. They are the great show of San Francisco. You take a train which +pulls up the middle of the street (it killed two people the day +before yesterday, being unbraked and driven absolutely regardless of +consequences), and you pull up somewhere at the back of the city on the +Pacific beach. Originally the cliffs and their approaches must have been +pretty, but they have been so carefully defiled with advertisements that +they are now one big blistered abomination. A hundred yards from +the shore stood a big rock covered with the carcasses of the sleek +sea-beasts, who roared and rolled and walloped in the spouting surges. +No bold man had painted the creatures sky-blue or advertised newspapers +on their backs, wherefore they did not match the landscape, which was +chiefly hoarding. Some day, perhaps, whatever sort of government may +obtain in this country will make a restoration of the place and keep it +clean and neat. At present the sovereign people, of whom I have heard so +much already, are vending cherries and painting the virtues of “Little +Bile Beans” all over it. + +Night fell over the Pacific, and the white sea-fog whipped through the +streets, dimming the splendors of the electric lights. It is the use of +this city, her men and women folk, to parade between the hours of eight +and ten a certain street called Cairn Street, where the finest shops are +situated. Here the click of high heels on the pavement is loudest, here +the lights are brightest, and here the thunder of the traffic is most +overwhelming. I watched Young California, and saw that it was, at +least, expensively dressed, cheerful in manner, and self-asserting +in conversation. Also the women were very fair. Perhaps eighteen days +aboard ship had something to do with my unreserved admiration. The +maidens were of generous build, large, well groomed, and attired in +raiment that even to my inexperienced eyes must have cost much. Cairn +Street at nine o'clock levels all distinctions of rank as impartially +as the grave. Again and again I loitered at the heels of a couple of +resplendent beings, only to overhear, when I expected the level voice +of culture, the staccato “Sez he,” “Sez I” that is the mark of the white +servant-girl all the world over. + +This was depressing because, in spite of all that goes to the contrary, +fine feathers ought to make fine birds. There was wealth--unlimited +wealth--in the streets, but not an accent that would not have been dear +at fifty cents. Wherefore, revolving in my mind that these folk were +barbarians, I was presently enlightened and made aware that they also +were the heirs of all the ages, and civilized after all. There appeared +before me an affable stranger of prepossessing appearance, with a blue +and an innocent eye. Addressing me by name, he claimed to have met me in +New York, at the Windsor, and to this claim I gave a qualified assent. +I did not remember the fact, but since he was so certain of it, why, +then--I waited developments. + +“And what did you think of Indiana when you came through?” was the next +question. + +It revealed the mystery of previous acquaintance and one or two other +things. With reprehensible carelessness my friend of the light-blue eye +had looked up the name of his victim in the hotel register, and read +“Indiana” for India. + +The provincialism with which I had cursed his people extended to +himself. He could not imagine an Englishman coming through the States +from west to east instead of by the regularly ordained route. My fear +was that in his delight in finding me so responsive he would make +remarks about New York and the Windsor which I could not understand. +And, indeed, he adventured in this direction once or twice, asking me +what I thought of such and such streets, which from his tone I gathered +to be anything but respectable. It is trying to talk unknown New York in +almost unknown San Francisco. But my friend was merciful. He protested +that I was one after his own heart, and pressed upon me rare and curious +drinks at more than one bar. These drinks I accepted with gratitude, as +also the cigars with which his pockets were stored. He would show me the +life of the city. Having no desire to watch a weary old play again, I +evaded the offer and received in lieu of the devil's instruction much +coarse flattery. Curiously constituted is the soul of man. Knowing how +and where this man lied, waiting idly for the finale, I was distinctly +conscious, as he bubbled compliments in my ear, of soft thrills of +gratified pride stealing from hat-rim to boot-heels. I was wise, quoth +he--anybody could see that with half an eye; sagacious, versed in the +ways of the world, an acquaintance to be desired; one who had tasted the +cup of life with discretion. + +All this pleased me, and in a measure numbed the suspicion that was +thoroughly aroused. Eventually the blue-eyed one discovered, nay, +insisted, that I had a taste for cards (this was clumsily worked in, +but it was my fault, for in that I met him half-way and allowed him +no chance of good acting). Hereupon I laid my head upon one side and +simulated unholy wisdom, quoting odds and ends of poker talk, all +ludicrously misapplied. My friend kept his countenance admirably, and +well he might, for five minutes later we arrived, always by the purest +of chance, at a place where we could play cards and also frivol with +Louisiana State Lottery tickets. Would I play? + +“Nay,” said I, “for to me cards have neither meaning nor continuity; but +let us assume that I am going to play. How would you and your friends +get to work? Would you play a straight game, or make me drunk, or--well, +the fact is, I'm a newspaper man, and I'd be much obliged if you'd let +me know something about bunco steering.” + +My blue-eyed friend erected himself into an obelisk of profanity. He +cursed me by his gods--the right and left bower; he even cursed the very +good cigars he had given me. But, the storm over, he quieted down and +explained. I apologized for causing him to waste an evening, and we +spent a very pleasant time together. + +Inaccuracy, provincialism, and a too hasty rushing to conclusions, +were the rocks that he had split on, but he got his revenge when he +said:--“How would I play with you? From all the poppycock Anglice bosh +you talked about poker, I'd ha' played a straight game, and skinned +you. I wouldn't have taken the trouble to make you drunk. You never knew +anything of the game, but how I was mistaken in going to work on you, +makes me sick.” + +He glared at me as though I had done him an injury. To-day I know how it +is that year after year, week after week, the bunco steerer, who is the +confidence trick and the card-sharper man of other climes, secures +his prey. He clavers them over with flattery as the snake clavers the +rabbit. The incident depressed me because it showed I had left the +innocent East far behind and was come to a country where a man must look +out for himself. The very hotels bristled with notices about keeping my +door locked and depositing my valuables in a safe. The white man in a +lump is bad. Weeping softly for O-Toyo (little I knew then that my +heart was to be torn afresh from my bosom) I fell asleep in the clanging +hotel. + +Next morning I had entered upon the deferred inheritance. There are +no princes in America--at least with crowns on their heads--but a +generous-minded member of some royal family received my letter of +introduction. Ere the day closed I was a member of the two clubs, and +booked for many engagements to dinner and party. Now, this prince, upon +whose financial operations be continual increase, had no reason, nor had +the others, his friends, to put himself out for the sake of one Briton +more or less, but he rested not till he had accomplished all in my +behalf that a mother could think of for her debutante daughter. + +Do you know the Bohemian Club of San Francisco? They say its fame +extends over the world. It was created, somewhat on the lines of the +Savage, by men who wrote or drew things, and has blossomed into most +unrepublican luxury. The ruler of the place is an owl--an owl standing +upon a skull and cross-bones, showing forth grimly the wisdom of the man +of letters and the end of his hopes for immortality. The owl stands +on the staircase, a statue four feet high; is carved in the wood-work, +flutters on the frescoed ceiling, is stamped on the note-paper, and +hangs on the walls. He is an ancient and honorable bird. Under his wing +'twas my privilege to meet with white men whose lives were not chained +down to routine of toil, who wrote magazine articles instead of reading +them hurriedly in the pauses of office-work, who painted pictures +instead of contenting themselves with cheap etchings picked up at +another man's sale of effects. Mine were all the rights of social +intercourse, craft by craft, that India, stony-hearted step-mother of +collectors, has swindled us out of. Treading soft carpets and breathing +the incense of superior cigars, I wandered from room to room studying +the paintings in which the members of the club had caricatured +themselves, their associates, and their aims. There was a slick French +audacity about the workmanship of these men of toil unbending that went +straight to the heart of the beholder. And yet it was not altogether +French. A dry grimness of treatment, almost Dutch, marked the +difference. The men painted as they spoke--with certainty. The +club indulges in revelries which it calls “jinks”--high and low, at +intervals--and each of these gatherings is faithfully portrayed in +oils by hands that know their business. In this club were no amateurs +spoiling canvas, because they fancied they could handle oils without +knowledge of shadows or anatomy--no gentleman of leisure ruining the +temper of publishers and an already ruined market with attempts to write +“because everybody writes something these days.” + +My hosts were working, or had worked for their daily bread with pen or +paint, and their talk for the most part was of the shop--shoppy--that is +to say, delightful. They extended a large hand of welcome, and were as +brethren, and I did homage to the owl and listened to their talk. An +Indian club about Christmas-time will yield, if properly worked, an +abundant harvest of queer tales; but at a gathering of Americans +from the uttermost ends of their own continent, the tales are larger, +thicker, more spinous, and even more azure than any Indian variety. +Tales of the war I heard told by an ex-officer of the South over his +evening drink to a colonel of the Northern army, my introducer, who had +served as a trooper in the Northern Horse, throwing in emendations from +time to time. “Tales of the Law,” which in this country is an amazingly +elastic affair, followed from the lips of a judge. Forgive me for +recording one tale that struck me as new. It may interest the up-country +Bar in India. + +Once upon a time there was Samuelson, a young lawyer, who feared not +God, neither regarded the Bench. (Name, age, and town of the man were +given at great length.) To him no case had ever come as a client, partly +because he lived in a district where lynch law prevailed, and partly +because the most desperate prisoner shrunk from intrusting himself to +the mercies of a phenomenal stammerer. But in time there happened an +aggravated murder--so bad, indeed, that by common consent the citizens +decided, as a prelude to lynching, to give the real law a chance. They +could, in fact, gambol round that murder. They met--the court in its +shirt-sleeves--and against the raw square of the Court House window a +temptingly suggestive branch of a tree fretted the sky. No one appeared +for the prisoner, and, partly in jest, the court advised young Samuelson +to take up the case. + +“The prisoner is undefended, Sam,” said the court. “The square thing to +do would be for you to take him aside and do the best you can for him.” + +Court, jury, and witness then adjourned to the veranda, while Samuelson +led his client aside to the Court House cells. An hour passed ere the +lawyer returned alone. Mutely the audience questioned. + +“May it p-p-please the c-court,” said Samuel-son, “my client's case is +a b-b-b-bad one--a d-d-amn bad one. You told me to do the b-b-best I +c-could for him, judge, so I've jest given him y-your b-b-bay gelding, +an' told him to light out for healthier c-climes, my p-p-professional +opinion being he'd be hanged quicker'n h-h-hades if he dallied here. +B-by this time my client's 'bout fifteen mile out yonder somewheres. +That was the b-b-best I could do for him, may it p-p-please the court.” + +The young man, escaping punishment in lieu of the prisoner, made his +fortune ere five years. + +Other voices followed, with equally wondrous tales of riata-throwing +in Mexico and Arizona, of gambling at army posts in Texas, of newspaper +wars waged in godless Chicago (I could not help being interested, but +they were not pretty tricks), of deaths sudden and violent in Montana +and Dakota, of the loves of half-breed maidens in the South, and +fantastic huntings for gold in mysterious Alaska. Above all, they +told the story of the building of old San Francisco, when the “finest +collection of humanity on God's earth, sir, started this town, and the +water came up to the foot of Market Street.” Very terrible were some +of the tales, grimly humorous the others, and the men in broadcloth and +fine linen who told them had played their parts in them. + +“And now and again when things got too bad they would toll the city +bell, and the Vigilance Committee turned out and hanged the suspicious +characters. A man didn't begin to be suspected in those days till he had +committed at least one unprovoked murder,” said a calm-eyed, portly old +gentleman. + +I looked at the pictures around me, the noiseless, neat-uniformed waiter +behind me, the oak-ribbed ceiling above, the velvet carpet beneath. +It was hard to realize that even twenty years ago you could see a man +hanged with great pomp. Later on I found reason to change my opinion. +The tales gave me a headache and set me thinking. How in the world +was it possible to take in even one thousandth of this huge, roaring, +many-sided continent? In the tobacco-scented silence of the sumptuous +library lay Professor Bryce's book on the American Republic. + +“It is an omen,” said I. “He has done all things in all seriousness, and +he may be purchased for half a guinea. Those who desire information of +the most undoubted, must refer to his pages. For me is the daily +round of vagabondage, the recording of the incidents of the hour and +intercourse with the travelling-companion of the day. I will not 'do' +this country at all.” + +And I forgot all about India for ten days while I went out to dinners +and watched the social customs of the people, which are entirely +different from our customs, and was introduced to men of many millions. +These persons are harmless in their earlier stages--that is to say, a +man worth three or four million dollars may be a good talker, clever, +amusing, and of the world; a man with twice that amount is to be +avoided, and a twenty million man is--just twenty millions. Take an +instance. I was speaking to a newspaper man about seeing the proprietor +of his journal, as in my innocence I supposed newspaper men occasionally +did. My friend snorted indignantly:--“See him! Great Scott! No. If he +happens to appear in the office, I have to associate with him; but, +thank Heaven! outside of that I move in circles where he cannot come.” + +And yet the first thing I have been taught to believe is that money was +everything in America! + + + + +II. AMERICAN POLITICS + +I HAVE been watching machinery in repose after reading about machinery +in action. + +An excellent gentleman, who bears a name honored in the magazine, +writes, much as Disraeli orated, of “the sublime instincts of an ancient +people,” the certainty with which they can be trusted to manage their +own affairs in their own way, and the speed with which they are making +for all sorts of desirable goals. This he called a statement or purview +of American politics. + +I went almost directly afterward to a saloon where gentlemen interested +in ward politics nightly congregate. They were not pretty persons. Some +of them were bloated, and they all swore cheerfully till the heavy gold +watch-chains on their fat stomachs rose and fell again; but they talked +over their liquor as men who had power and unquestioned access to places +of trust and profit. + +The magazine writer discussed theories of government; these men the +practice. They had been there. They knew all about it. They banged their +fists on the table and spoke of political “pulls,” the vending of votes, +and so forth. Theirs was not the talk of village babblers reconstructing +the affairs of the nation, but of strong, coarse, lustful men fighting +for spoil, and thoroughly understanding the best methods of reaching it. + +I listened long and intently to speech I could not understand--or but in +spots. + +It was the speech of business, however. I had sense enough to know that, +and to do my laughing outside the door. + +Then I began to understand why my pleasant and well-educated hosts in +San Francisco spoke with a bitter scorn of such duties of citizenship as +voting and taking an interest in the distribution of offices. Scores of +men have told me, without false pride, that they would as soon concern +themselves with the public affairs of the city or state as rake +muck with a steam-shovel. It may be that their lofty disdain covers +selfishness, but I should be very sorry habitually to meet the fat +gentlemen with shiny top-hats and plump cigars in whose society I have +been spending the evening. + +Read about politics as the cultured writer of the magazine regards 'em, +and then, and not till then, pay your respects to the gentlemen who run +the grimy reality. + +I'm sick of interviewing night editors who lean their chair against +the wall, and, in response to my demand for the record of a prominent +citizen, answer: “Well, you see, he began by keeping a saloon,” etc. +I prefer to believe that my informants are treating me as in the old +sinful days in India I was used to treat the wandering globe-trotter. +They declare that they speak the truth, and the news of dog politics +lately vouchsafed to me in groggeries inclines me to believe, but I +won't. The people are much too nice to slangander as recklessly as I +have been doing. + +Besides, I am hopelessly in love with about eight American maidens--all +perfectly delightful till the next one comes into the room. + +O-Toyo was a darling, but she lacked several things--conversation for +one. You cannot live on giggles. She shall remain unmarried at Nagasaki, +while I roast a battered heart before the shrine of a big Kentucky +blonde, who had for a nurse when she was little a negro “mammy.” + +By consequence she has welded on California beauty, Paris dresses, +Eastern culture, Europe trips, and wild Western originality, the queer, +dreamy superstitions of the quarters, and the result is soul-shattering. +And she is but one of many stars. + +Item, a maiden who believes in education and possesses it, with a few +hundred thousand dollars to boot and a taste for slumming. + +Item, the leader of a sort of informal salon where girls congregate, +read papers, and daringly discuss metaphysical problems and candy--a +sloe-eyed, black-browed, imperious maiden she. + +Item, a very small maiden, absolutely without reverence, who can in one +swift sentence trample upon and leave gasping half a dozen young men. + +Item, a millionairess, burdened with her money, lonely, caustic, with +a tongue keen as a sword, yearning for a sphere, but chained up to the +rock of her vast possessions. + +Item, a typewriter maiden earning her own bread in this big city, +because she doesn't think a girl ought to be a burden on her parents, +who quotes Theophile Gautier and moves through the world manfully, much +respected for all her twenty inexperienced summers. + +Item, a woman from cloud-land who has no history in the past or future, +but is discreetly of the present, and strives for the confidences +of male humanity on the grounds of “sympathy” (methinks this is not +altogether a new type). + +Item, a girl in a “dive,” blessed with a Greek head and eyes, that seem +to speak all that is best and sweetest in the world. But woe is me! She +has no ideas in this world or the next beyond the consumption of beer +(a commission on each bottle), and protests that she sings the songs +allotted to her nightly without more than the vaguest notion of their +meaning. + +Sweet and comely are the maidens of Devonshire; delicate and of gracious +seeming those who live in the pleasant places of London; fascinating for +all their demureness the damsels of France, clinging closely to their +mothers, with large eyes wondering at the wicked world; excellent in her +own place and to those who understand her is the Anglo-Indian “spin” in +her second season; but the girls of America are above and beyond them +all. They are clever, they can talk--yea, it is said that they think. +Certainly they have an appearance of so doing which is delightfully +deceptive. + +They are original, and regard you between the brows with unabashed eyes +as a sister might look at her brother. They are instructed, too, in the +folly and vanity of the male mind, for they have associated with “the +boys” from babyhood, and can discerningly minister to both vices or +pleasantly snub the possessor. They possess, moreover, a life among +themselves, independent of any masculine associations. They have +societies and clubs and unlimited tea-fights where all the guests are +girls. They are self-possessed, without parting with any tenderness that +is their sex-right; they understand; they can take care of themselves; +they are superbly independent. When you ask them what makes them so +charming, they say:--“It is because we are better educated than your +girls, and--and we are more sensible in regard to men. We have good +times all round, but we aren't taught to regard every man as a possible +husband. Nor is he expected to marry the first girl he calls on +regularly.” + +Yes, they have good times, their freedom is large, and they do not abuse +it. They can go driving with young men and receive visits from young +men to an extent that would make an English mother wink with horror, and +neither driver nor drivee has a thought beyond the enjoyment of a good +time. As certain, also, of their own poets have said:-- + + “Man is fire and woman is tow, + And the devil he comes and begins to blow.” + +In America the tow is soaked in a solution that makes it fire-proof, +in absolute liberty and large knowledge; consequently, accidents do not +exceed the regular percentage arranged by the devil for each class and +climate under the skies. + +But the freedom of the young girl has its drawbacks. She is--I say it +with all reluctance--irreverent, from her forty-dollar bonnet to the +buckles in her eighteen-dollar shoes. She talks flippantly to her +parents and men old enough to be her grandfather. She has a prescriptive +right to the society of the man who arrives. The parents admit it. + +This is sometimes embarrassing, especially when you call on a man and +his wife for the sake of information--the one being a merchant of varied +knowledge, the other a woman of the world. In five minutes your host has +vanished. In another five his wife has followed him, and you are left +alone with a very charming maiden, doubtless, but certainly not the +person you came to see. She chatters, and you grin, but you leave +with the very strong impression of a wasted morning. This has been my +experience once or twice. I have even said as pointedly as I dared to a +man:--“I came to see you.” + +“You'd better see me in my office, then. The house belongs to my women +folk--to my daughter, that is to say.” + +He spoke the truth. The American of wealth is owned by his family. They +exploit him for bullion. The women get the ha'pence, the kicks are all +his own. Nothing is too good for an American's daughter (I speak here of +the moneyed classes). + +The girls take every gift as a matter of course, and yet they develop +greatly when a catastrophe arrives and the man of many millions goes up +or goes down, and his daughters take to stenography or typewriting. I +have heard many tales of heroism from the lips of girls who counted the +principals among their friends. The crash came, Mamie, or Hattie, or +Sadie, gave up their maid, their carriages and candy, and with a No. 2 +Remington and a stout heart set about earning their daily bread. + +“And did I drop her from the list of my friends? No, sir,” said a +scarlet-lipped vision in white lace; “that might happen to us any day.” + +It may be this sense of possible disaster in the air that makes San +Francisco society go with so captivating a rush and whirl. Recklessness +is in the air. I can't explain where it comes from, but there it is. +The roaring winds of the Pacific make you drunk to begin with. The +aggressive luxury on all sides helps out the intoxication, and you spin +forever “down the ringing grooves of change” (there is no small change, +by the way, west of the Rockies) as long as money lasts. They make +greatly and they spend lavishly; not only the rich, but the artisans, +who pay nearly five pounds for a suit of clothes, and for other luxuries +in proportion. + +The young men rejoice in the days of their youth. They gamble, yacht, +race, enjoy prize-fights and cock-fights, the one openly, the other +in secret; they establish luxurious clubs; they break themselves over +horse-flesh and other things, and they are instant in a quarrel. At +twenty they are experienced in business, embark in vast enterprises, +take partners as experienced as themselves, and go to pieces with as +much splendor as their neighbors. Remember that the men who stocked +California in the fifties were physically, and, as far as regards +certain tough virtues, the pick of the earth. The inept and the weakly +died en route, or went under in the days of construction. To this +nucleus were added all the races of the Continent--French, Italian, +German, and, of course, the Jew. + +The result you can see in the large-boned, deep-chested, delicate-handed +women, and long, elastic, well-built boys. It needs no little golden +badge swinging from the watch-chain to mark the native son of the golden +West, the country-bred of California. + +Him I love because he is devoid of fear, carries himself like a man, and +has a heart as big as his books. I fancy, too, he knows how to enjoy the +blessings of life that his province so abundantly bestows upon him. At +least, I heard a little rat of a creature with hock-bottle shoulders +explaining that a man from Chicago could pull the eye-teeth of a +Californian in business. + +Well, if I lived in fairy-land, where cherries were as big as plums, +plums as big as apples, and strawberries of no account, where the +procession of the fruits of the seasons was like a pageant in a Drury +Lane pantomime and the dry air was wine, I should let business slide +once in a way and kick up my heels with my fellows. The tale of the +resources of California--vegetable and mineral--is a fairy-tale. You can +read it in books. You would never believe me. + +All manner of nourishing food, from sea-fish to beef, may be bought at +the lowest prices, and the people are consequently well-developed and of +a high stomach. They demand ten shillings for tinkering a jammed lock of +a trunk; they receive sixteen shillings a day for working as carpenters; +they spend many sixpences on very bad cigars, which the poorest of them +smoke, and they go mad over a prize-fight. When they disagree they do so +fatally, with fire-arms in their hands, and on the public streets. I +was just clear of Mission Street when the trouble began between two +gentlemen, one of whom perforated the other. + +When a policeman, whose name I do not recollect, “fatally shot Ed +Hearney” for attempting to escape arrest, I was in the next street. For +these things I am thankful. It is enough to travel with a policeman in +a tram-car, and, while he arranges his coat-tails as he sits down, to +catch sight of a loaded revolver. It is enough to know that fifty per +cent of the men in the public saloons carry pistols about them. + +The Chinaman waylays his adversary, and methodically chops him to pieces +with his hatchet. Then the press roars about the brutal ferocity of the +pagan. + +The Italian reconstructs his friend with a long knife. The press +complains of the waywardness of the alien. + +The Irishman and the native Californian in their hours of discontent use +the revolver, not once, but six times. The press records the fact, and +asks in the next column whether the world can parallel the progress of +San Francisco. The American who loves his country will tell you that +this sort of thing is confined to the lower classes. Just at present an +ex-judge who was sent to jail by another judge (upon my word I cannot +tell whether these titles mean anything) is breathing red-hot vengeance +against his enemy. The papers have interviewed both parties, and +confidently expect a fatal issue. + +Now, let me draw breath and curse the negro waiter, and through him +the negro in service generally. He has been made a citizen with a vote, +consequently both political parties play with him. But that is neither +here nor there. He will commit in one meal every betise that a senllion +fresh from the plow-tail is capable of, and he will continue to repeat +those faults. He is as complete a heavy-footed, uncomprehending, +bungle-fisted fool as any mem-sahib in the East ever took into her +establishment. But he is according to law a free and independent +citizen--consequently above reproof or criticism. He, and he alone, in +this insane city, will wait at table (the Chinaman doesn't count). + +He is untrained, inept, but he will fill the place and draw the pay. +Now, God and his father's fate made him intellectually inferior to the +Oriental. He insists on pretending that he serves tables by accident--as +a sort of amusement. He wishes you to understand this little fact. You +wish to eat your meals, and, if possible, to have them properly served. +He is a big, black, vain baby and a man rolled into one. + +A colored gentleman who insisted on getting me pie when I wanted +something else, demanded information about India. I gave him some facts +about wages. + +“Oh, hell!” said he, cheerfully, “that wouldn't keep me in cigars for a +month.” + +Then he fawned on me for a ten-cent piece. Later he took it upon himself +to pity the natives of India. “Heathens,” he called them--this woolly +one, whose race has been the butt of every comedy on the native stage +since the beginning. And I turned and saw by the head upon his shoulders +that he was a Yoruba man, if there be any truth in ethnological castes. +He did his thinking in English, but he was a Yoruba negro, and the race +type had remained the same throughout his generations. And the room was +full of other races--some that looked exactly like Gallas (but the +trade was never recruited from that side of Africa), some duplicates of +Cameroon heads, and some Kroomen, if ever Kroomen wore evening dress. + +The American does not consider little matters of descent, though by this +time he ought to know all about “damnable heredity.” As a general rule +he keeps himself very far from the negro, and says things about him +that are not pretty. There are six million negroes, more or less, in +the States, and they are increasing. The American, once having made them +citizens, cannot unmake them. He says, in his newspapers, they ought to +be elevated by education. He is trying this, but it is likely to be +a long job, because black blood is much more adhesive than white, and +throws back with annoying persistence. When the negro gets religion he +returns directly as a hiving bee to the first instincts of his people. +Just now a wave of religion is sweeping over some of the Southern +States. + +Up to the present two Messiahs and a Daniel have appeared, and several +human sacrifices have been offered up to these incarnations. The Daniel +managed to get three young men, who he insisted were Shadrach, Meshach, +and Abednego, to walk into a blast furnace, guaranteeing non-combustion. +They did not return. I have seen nothing of this kind, but I have +attended a negro church. They pray, or are caused to pray by themselves +in this country. The congregation were moved by the spirit to groans and +tears, and one of them danced up the aisle to the mourners' bench. The +motive may have been genuine. The movements of the shaken body were +those of a Zanzibar stick dance, such as you see at Aden on the +coal-boats, and even as I watched the people, the links that bound them +to the white man snapped one by one, and I saw before me the hubshi +(woolly hair) praying to a God he did not understand. Those neatly +dressed folk on the benches, and the gray-headed elder by the window, +were savages, neither more nor less. + +What will the American do with the negro? The South will not consort +with him. In some States miscegenation is a penal offence. The North is +every year less and less in need of his services. + +And he will not disappear. He will continue as a problem. His friends +will urge that he is as good as the white man. His enemies--well, you +can guess what his enemies will do from a little incident that followed +on a recent appointment by the President. He made a negro an assistant +in a post-office where--think of it!--he had to work at the next desk +to a white girl, the daughter of a colonel, one of the first families +of Georgia's modern chivalry, and all the weary, weary rest of it. +The Southern chivalry howled, and hanged or burned some one in effigy. +Perhaps it was the President, and perhaps it was the negro--but the +principle remains the same. They said it was an insult. It is not good +to be a negro in the land of the free and the home of the brave. + +But this is nothing to do with San Francisco and her merry maidens, her +strong, swaggering men, and her wealth of gold and pride. They bore +me to a banquet in honor of a brave lieutenant--Carlin, of the +“Vandalia”--who stuck by his ship in the great cyclone at Apia and +comported himself as an officer should. On that occasion--'twas at the +Bohemian Club--I heard oratory with the roundest of o's, and devoured a +dinner the memory of which will descend with me into the hungry grave. + +There were about forty speeches delivered, and not one of them was +average or ordinary. It was my first introduction to the American eagle +screaming for all it was worth. The lieutenant's heroism served as a peg +from which the silver-tongued ones turned themselves loose and kicked. + +They ransacked the clouds of sunset, the thunderbolts of heaven, the +deeps of hell, and the splendor of the resurrection for tropes and +metaphors, and hurled the result at the head of the guest of the +evening. + +Never since the morning stars sung together for joy, I learned, had an +amazed creation witnessed such superhuman bravery as that displayed +by the American navy in the Samoa cyclone. Till earth rotted in the +phosphorescent star-and-stripe slime of a decayed universe, that +god-like gallantry would not be forgotten. I grieve that I cannot give +the exact words. My attempt at reproducing their spirit is pale +and inadequate. I sat bewildered on a coruscating Niagara of +blatherum-skite. It was magnificent--it was stupendous--and I was +conscious of a wicked desire to hide my face in a napkin and grin. +Then, according to rule, they produced their dead, and across the snowy +tablecloths dragged the corpse of every man slain in the Civil War, and +hurled defiance at “our natural enemy” (England, so please you), “with +her chain of fortresses across the world.” Thereafter they glorified +their nation afresh from the beginning, in case any detail should have +been overlooked, and that made me uncomfortable for their sakes. How in +the world can a white man, a sahib, of our blood, stand up and plaster +praise on his own country? He can think as highly as he likes, but this +open-mouthed vehemence of adoration struck me almost as indelicate. My +hosts talked for rather more than three hours, and at the end seemed +ready for three hours more. + +But when the lieutenant--such a big, brave, gentle giant--rose to his +feet, he delivered what seemed to me as the speech of the evening. +I remember nearly the whole of it, and it ran something in this +way:--“Gentlemen--It's very good of you to give me this dinner and to +tell me all these pretty-things, but what I want you to understand--the +fact is, what we want and what we ought to get at once, is a navy--more +ships--lots of 'em--” + +Then we howled the top of the roof off, and I for one fell in love with +Carlin on the spot. Wallah! He was a man. + +The prince among merchants bid me take no heed to the warlike sentiments +of some of the old generals. + +“The sky-rockets are thrown in for effect,” quoth he, “and whenever we +get on our hind legs we always express a desire to chaw up England. It's +a sort of family affair.” + +And, indeed, when you come to think of it, there is no other country for +the American public speaker to trample upon. + +France has Germany; we have Russia; for Italy Austria is provided; and +the humblest Pathan possesses an ancestral enemy. + +Only America stands out of the racket, and therefore to be in fashion +makes a sand-bag of the mother country, and hangs her when occasion +requires. + +“The chain of fortresses” man, a fascinating talker, explained to me +after the affair that he was compelled to blow off steam. Everybody +expected it. + +When we had chanted “The Star Spangled Banner” not more than eight +times, we adjourned. America is a very great country, but it is not +yet heaven, with electric lights and plush fittings, as the speakers +professed to believe. My listening mind went back to the politicians +in the saloon, who wasted no time in talking about freedom, but quietly +made arrangements to impose their will on the citizens. + +“The judge is a great man, but give thy presents to the clerk,” as the +proverb saith. + +And what more remains to tell? I cannot write connectedly, because I +am in love with all those girls aforesaid, and some others who do not +appear in the invoice. The typewriter is an institution of which the +comic papers make much capital, but she is vastly convenient. She and a +companion rent a room in a business quarter, and, aided by a typewriting +machine, copy MSS. at the rate of six annas a page. Only a woman can +operate a typewriting machine, because she has served apprenticeship to +the sewing machine. She can earn as much as one hundred dollars a +month, and professes to regard this form of bread-winning as her natural +destiny. But, oh! how she hates it in her heart of hearts! When I had +got over the surprise of doing business with and trying to give orders +to a young woman of coldly, clerkly aspect intrenched behind gold-rimmed +spectacles, I made inquiries concerning the pleasures of this +independence. They liked it--indeed they did. 'Twas the natural fate +of almost all girls--the recognized custom in America--and I was a +barbarian not to see it in that light. + +“Well, and after?” said I. “What happens?” + +“We work for our bread.” + +“And then what do you expect?” + +“Then we shall work for our bread.” + +“Till you die?” + +“Ye-es--unless--” + +“Unless what? This is your business, you know. A man works until he +dies.” + +“So shall we”--this without enthusiasm--“I suppose.” + +Said the partner in the firm, audaciously:--“Sometimes we marry our +employees--at least, that's what the newspapers say.” + +The hand banged on half a dozen of the keys of the machine at once. “Yet +I don't care. I hate it--I hate it--I hate it--and you needn't look so!” + +The senior partner was regarding the rebel with grave-eyed reproach. + +“I thought you did,” said I. “I don't suppose American girls are much +different from English ones in instinct.” + +“Isn't it Theophile Gautier who says that the only difference between +country and country lie in the slang and the uniform of the police?” + +Now, in the name of all the gods at once, what is one to say to a young +lady (who in England would be a person) who earns her own bread, and +very naturally hates the employ, and slings out-of-the-way quotations at +your head? That one falls in love with her goes without saying, but that +is not enough. + +A mission should be established. + + + + +III. AMERICAN SALMON + +The race is neither to the swift nor the battle to the strong; but time +and chance cometh to all. + +I HAVE lived! + +The American Continent may now sink under the sea, for I have taken the +best that it yields, and the best was neither dollars, love, nor real +estate. + +Hear now, gentlemen of the Punjab Fishing Club, who whip the reaches +of the Tavi, and you who painfully import trout over to Octamund, and I +will tell you how old man California and I went fishing, and you shall +envy. + +We returned from The Dalles to Portland by the way we had come, the +steamer stopping en route to pick up a night's catch of one of the +salmon wheels on the river, and to deliver it at a cannery downstream. + +When the proprietor of the wheel announced that his take was two +thousand two hundred and thirty pounds weight of fish, “and not a heavy +catch neither,” I thought he lied. But he sent the boxes aboard, and +I counted the salmon by the hundred--huge fifty-pounders hardly dead, +scores of twenty and thirty pounders, and a host of smaller fish. They +were all Chenook salmon, as distinguished from the “steel head” and the +“silver side.” That is to say, they were royal salmon, and California +and I dropped a tear over them, as monarchs who deserved a better fate; +but the lust of slaughter entered into our souls, and we talked fish and +forgot the mountain scenery that had so moved us a day before. + +The steamer halted at a rude wooden warehouse built on piles in a +lonely reach of the river, and sent in the fish. I followed them up a +scale-strewn, fishy incline that led to the cannery. The crazy building +was quivering with the machinery on its floors, and a glittering bank of +tin scraps twenty feet high showed where the waste was thrown after the +cans had been punched. + +Only Chinamen were employed on the work, and they looked like +blood-besmeared yellow devils as they crossed the rifts of sunlight that +lay upon the floor. When our consignment arrived, the rough wooden boxes +broke of themselves as they were dumped down under a jet of water, and +the salmon burst out in a stream of quicksilver. A Chinaman jerked up +a twenty-pounder, beheaded and detailed it with two swift strokes of a +knife, flicked out its internal arrangements with a third, and case it +into a blood-dyed tank. The headless fish leaped from under his hands as +though they were facing a rapid. Other Chinamen pulled them from the vat +and thrust them under a thing like a chaff-cutter, which, descending, +hewed them into unseemly red gobbets fit for the can. + +More Chinamen, with yellow, crooked fingers, jammed the stuff into the +cans, which slid down some marvellous machine forthwith, soldering their +own tops as they passed. Each can was hastily tested for flaws, and then +sunk with a hundred companions into a vat of boiling water, there to +be half cooked for a few minutes. The cans bulged slightly after the +operation, and were therefore slidden along by the trolleyful to men +with needles and soldering-irons who vented them and soldered the +aperture. Except for the label, the “Finest Columbia Salmon” was ready +for the market. I was impressed not so much with the speed of the +manufacture as the character of the factory. Inside, on a floor ninety +by forty, the most civilized and murderous of machinery. Outside, three +footsteps, the thick-growing pines and the immense solitude of the +hills. Our steamer only stayed twenty minutes at that place, but I +counted two hundred and forty finished cans made from the catch of the +previous night ere I left the slippery, blood-stained, scale-spangled, +oily floors and the offal-smeared Chinamen. + +We reached Portland, California and I crying for salmon, and a +real-estate man, to whom we had been intrusted by an insurance man, met +us in the street, saying that fifteen miles away, across country, we +should come upon a place called Clackamas, where we might perchance find +what we desired. And California, his coat-tails flying in the wind, ran +to a livery-stable and chartered a wagon and team forthwith. I could +push the wagon about with one hand, so light was its structure. The team +was purely American--that is to say, almost human in its intelligence +and docility. Some one said that the roads were not good on the way to +Clackamas, and warned us against smashing the springs. “Portland,” who +had watched the preparations, finally reckoned “He'd come along, +too;” and under heavenly skies we three companions of a day set forth, +California carefully lashing our rods into the carriage, and the +by-standers overwhelming us with directions as to the saw-mills we were +to pass, the ferries we were to cross, and the sign-posts we were to +seek signs from. Half a mile from this city of fifty thousand souls we +struck (and this must be taken literally) a plank road that would have +been a disgrace to an Irish village. + +Then six miles of macadamized road showed us that the team could move. +A railway ran between us and the banks of the Willamette, and another +above us through the mountains. All the land was dotted with small +townships, and the roads were full of farmers in their town wagons, +bunches of tow-haired, boggle-eyed urchins sitting in the hay behind. +The men generally looked like loafers, but their women were all well +dressed. + +Brown braiding on a tailor-made jacket does not, however, consort with +hay-wagons. Then we struck into the woods along what California called a +camina reale--a good road--and Portland a “fair track.” It wound in and +out among fire-blackened stumps under pine-trees, along the corners of +log fences, through hollows, which must be hopeless marsh in the winter, +and up absurd gradients. But nowhere throughout its length did I see any +evidence of road-making. There was a track--you couldn't well get off +it, and it was all you could do to stay on it. The dust lay a foot thick +in the blind ruts, and under the dust we found bits of planking and +bundles of brushwood that sent the wagon bounding into the air. The +journey in itself was a delight. Sometimes we crashed through bracken; +anon, where the blackberries grew rankest, we found a lonely little +cemetery, the wooden rails all awry and the pitiful, stumpy head-stones +nodding drunkenly at the soft green mullions. Then, with oaths and +the sound of rent underwood, a yoke of mighty bulls would swing down a +“skid” road, hauling a forty-foot log along a rudely made slide. + +A valley full of wheat and cherry-trees succeeded, and halting at +a house, we bought ten-pound weight of luscious black cherries for +something less than a rupee, and got a drink of icy-cold water for +nothing, while the untended team browsed sagaciously by the road-side. +Once we found a way-side camp of horse-dealers lounging by a pool, ready +for a sale or a swap, and once two sun-tanned youngsters shot down a +hill on Indian ponies, their full creels banging from the high-pommelled +saddle. They had been fishing, and were our brethren, therefore. We +shouted aloud in chorus to scare a wild cat; we squabbled over the +reasons that had led a snake to cross a road; we heaved bits of bark +at a venturesome chipmunk, who was really the little gray squirrel of +India, and had come to call on me; we lost our way, and got the wagon so +beautifully fixed on a khud-bound road that we had to tie the two hind +wheels to get it down. + +Above all, California told tales of Nevada and Arizona, of lonely nights +spent out prospecting, the slaughter of deer and the chase of men, of +woman--lovely woman--who is a firebrand in a Western city and leads +to the popping of pistols, and of the sudden changes and chances +of Fortune, who delights in making the miner or the lumber-man a +quadruplicate millionaire and in “busting” the railroad king. + +That was a day to be remembered, and it had only begun when we drew rein +at a tiny farm-house on the banks of the Clackamas and sought horse feed +and lodging, ere we hastened to the river that broke over a weir not a +quarter of a mile away. Imagine a stream seventy yards broad divided +by a pebbly island, running over seductive “riffles” and swirling into +deep, quiet pools, where the good salmon goes to smoke his pipe after +meals. Get such a stream amid fields of breast-high crops surrounded +by hills of pines, throw in where you please quiet water, long-fenced +meadows, and a hundred-foot bluff just to keep the scenery from growing +too monotonous, and you will get some faint notion of the Clackamas. +The weir had been erected to pen the Chenook salmon from going further +up-stream. We could see them, twenty or thirty pounds, by the score in +the deep pools, or flying madly against the weir and foolishly skinning +their noses. They were not our prey, for they would not rise at a fly, +and we knew it. All the same, when one made his leap against the weir, +and landed on the foot-plank with a jar that shook the board I was +standing on, I would fain have claimed him for my own capture. + +Portland had no rod. He held the gaff and the whiskey. California +sniffed up-stream and down-stream, across the racing water, chose +his ground, and let the gaudy fly drop in the tail of a riffle. I was +getting my rod together, when I heard the joyous shriek of the reel and +the yells of California, and three feet of living silver leaped into the +air far across the water. The forces were engaged. + +The salmon tore up-stream, the tense line cutting the water like a +tide-rip behind him, and the light bamboo bowed to breaking. What +happened thereafter I cannot tell. California swore and prayed, and +Portland shouted advice, and I did all three for what appeared to be +half a day, but was in reality a little over a quarter of an hour, and +sullenly our fish came home with spurts of temper, dashes head on and +sarabands in the air, but home to the bank came he, and the remorseless +reel gathered up the thread of his life inch by inch. We landed him in +a little bay, and the spring weight in his gorgeous gills checked at +eleven and one half pounds. Eleven and one half pounds of fighting +salmon! We danced a war-dance on the pebbles, and California caught me +round the waist in a hug that went near to breaking my ribs, while he +shouted:--“Partner! Partner! This is glory! Now you catch your fish! +Twenty-four years I've waited for this!” + +I went into that icy-cold river and made my cast just above the weir, +and all but foul-hooked a blue-and-black water-snake with a coral mouth +who coiled herself on a stone and hissed male-dictions. + +The next cast--ah, the pride of it, the regal splendor of it! the thrill +that ran down from finger-tip to toe! Then the water boiled. He broke +for the fly and got it. There remained enough sense in me to give him +all he wanted when he jumped not once, but twenty times, before the +up-stream flight that ran my line out to the last half-dozen turns, and +I saw the nickelled reel-bar glitter under the thinning green coils. My +thumb was burned deep when I strove to stopper the line. + +I did not feel it till later, for my soul was out in the dancing weir, +praying for him to turn ere he took my tackle away. And the prayer was +heard. As I bowed back, the butt of the rod on my left hip-bone and the +top joint dipping like unto a weeping willow, he turned and accepted +each inch of slack that I could by any means get in as a favor from on +high. There lie several sorts of success in this world that taste well +in the moment of enjoyment, but I question whether the stealthy theft of +line from an able-bodied salmon who knows exactly what you are doing and +why you are doing it is not sweeter than any other victory within human +scope. Like California's fish, he ran at me head on, and leaped against +the line, but the Lord gave me two hundred and fifty pairs of fingers in +that hour. The banks and the pine-trees danced dizzily round me, but I +only reeled--reeled as for life--reeled for hours, and at the end of +the reeling continued to give him the butt while he sulked in a pool. +California was further up the reach, and with the corner of my eye I +could see him casting with long casts and much skill. Then he struck, +and my fish broke for the weir in the same instant, and down the reach +we came, California and I, reel answering reel even as the morning stars +sing together. + +The first wild enthusiasm of capture had died away. We were both at +work now in deadly earnest to prevent the lines fouling, to stall off a +down-stream rush for shaggy water just above the weir, and at the same +time to get the fish into the shallow bay down-stream that gave the +best practicable landing. Portland bid us both be of good heart, and +volunteered to take the rod from my hands. + +I would rather have died among the pebbles than surrender my right to +play and land a salmon, weight unknown, with an eight-ounce rod. I +heard California, at my ear, it seemed, gasping: “He's a fighter from +Fightersville, sure!” as his fish made a fresh break across the stream. +I saw Portland fall off a log fence, break the overhanging bank, and +clatter down to the pebbles, all sand and landing-net, and I dropped on +a log to rest for a moment. As I drew breath the weary hands slackened +their hold, and I forgot to give him the butt. + +A wild scutter in the water, a plunge, and a break for the head-waters +of the Clackamas was my reward, and the weary toil of reeling in with +one eye under the water and the other on the top joint of the rod was +renewed. Worst of all, I was blocking California's path to the little +landing bay aforesaid, and he had to halt and tire his prize where he +was. + +“The father of all the salmon!” he shouted. “For the love of Heaven, get +your trout to bank, Johnny Bull!” + +But I could do no more. Even the insult failed to move me. The rest of +the game was with the salmon. He suffered himself to be drawn, skip-ping +with pretended delight at getting to the haven where I would fain bring +him. Yet no sooner did he feel shoal water under his ponderous belly +than he backed like a torpedo-boat, and the snarl of the reel told me +that my labor was in vain. A dozen times, at least, this happened ere +the line hinted he had given up the battle and would be towed in. He was +towed. The landing-net was useless for one of his size, and I would not +have him gaffed. I stepped into the shallows and heaved him out with a +respectful hand under the gill, for which kindness he battered me about +the legs with his tail, and I felt the strength of him and was proud. +California had taken my place in the shallows, his fish hard held. I was +up the bank lying full length on the sweet-scented grass and gasping in +company with my first salmon caught, played and landed on an eight-ounce +rod. My hands were cut and bleeding, I was dripping with sweat, spangled +like a harlequin with scales, water from my waist down, nose peeled by +the sun, but utterly, supremely, and consummately happy. + +The beauty, the darling, the daisy, my Salmon Bahadur, weighed twelve +pounds, and I had been seven-and-thirty minutes bringing him to bank! He +had been lightly hooked on the angle of the right jaw, and the hook had +not wearied him. That hour I sat among princes and crowned heads greater +than them all. Below the bank we heard California scuffling with his +salmon and swearing Spanish oaths. Portland and I assisted at the +capture, and the fish dragged the spring balance out by the roots. It +was only constructed to weigh up to fifteen pounds. We stretched the +three fish on the grass--the eleven and a half, the twelve and fifteen +pounder--and we gave an oath that all who came after should merely be +weighed and put back again. + +How shall I tell the glories of that day so that you may be interested? +Again and again did California and I prance down that reach to the +little bay, each with a salmon in tow, and land him in the shallows. +Then Portland took my rod and caught some ten-pounders, and my spoon was +carried away by an unknown leviathan. Each fish, for the merits of the +three that had died so gamely, was hastily hooked on the balance and +flung back. Portland recorded the weight in a pocket-book, for he was +a real-estate man. Each fish fought for all he was worth, and none more +savagely than the smallest, a game little six-pounder. At the end of +six hours we added up the list. Read it. Total: Sixteen fish; aggregate +weight, one hundred and forty pounds. The score in detail runs something +like this--it is only interesting to those concerned: fifteen, eleven +and a half, twelve, ten, nine and three quarters, eight, and so forth; +as I have said, nothing under six pounds, and three ten-pounders. + +Very solemnly and thankfully we put up our rods--it was glory enough for +all time--and returned weeping in each other's arms, weeping tears of +pure joy, to that simple, bare-legged family in the packing-case house +by the water-side. + +The old farmer recollected days and nights of fierce warfare with the +Indians “way back in the fifties,” when every ripple of the Columbia +River and her tributaries hid covert danger. God had dowered him with a +queer, crooked gift of expression and a fierce anxiety for the welfare +of his two little sons--tanned and reserved children, who attended +school daily and spoke good English in a strange tongue. + +His wife was an austere woman, who had once been kindly, and perhaps +handsome. + +Very many years of toil had taken the elasticity out of step and voice. +She looked for nothing better than everlasting work--the chafing +detail of housework--and then a grave somewhere up the hill among the +blackberries and the pines. + +But in her grim way she sympathized with her eldest daughter, a small +and silent maiden of eighteen, who had thoughts very far from the meals +she tended and the pans she scoured. + +We stumbled into the household at a crisis, and there was a deal of +downright humanity in that same. A bad, wicked dress-maker had promised +the maiden a dress in time for a to-morrow's rail-way journey, and +though the barefooted Georgy, who stood in very wholesome awe of his +sister, had scoured the woods on a pony in search, that dress never +arrived. So, with sorrow in her heart and a hundred Sister-Anne glances +up the road, she waited upon the strangers and, I doubt not, cursed them +for the wants that stood between her and her need for tears. It was +a genuine little tragedy. The mother, in a heavy, passionless voice, +rebuked her impatience, yet sat up far into the night, bowed over a heap +of sewing for the daughter's benefit. + +These things I beheld in the long marigold-scented twilight and +whispering night, loafing round the little house with California, who +un-folded himself like a lotus to the moon, or in the little boarded +bunk that was our bedroom, swap-ping tales with Portland and the old +man. + +Most of the yarns began in this way:--“Red Larry was a bull-puncher back +of Lone County, Montana,” or “There was a man riding the trail met a +jack-rabbit sitting in a cactus,” or “'Bout the time of the San Diego +land boom, a woman from Monterey,” etc. + +You can try to piece out for yourselves what sort of stories they were. + + + + +IV. THE YELLOWSTONE + +ONCE upon a time there was a carter who brought his team and a friend +into the Yellowstone Park without due thought. Presently they came upon +a few of the natural beauties of the place, and that carter turned his +team into his friend's team, howling:--“Get out o' this, Jim. All hell's +alight under our noses!” + +And they called the place Hell's Half-Acre to this day to witness if the +carter lied. + +We, too, the old lady from Chicago, her husband, Tom, and the good +little mares, came to Hell's Half-Acre, which is about sixty acres in +extent, and when Tom said:--“Would you like to drive over it?” + +We said:--“Certainly not, and if you do we shall report you to the park +authorities.” + +There was a plain, blistered, peeled, and abominable, and it was given +over to the sportings and spoutings of devils who threw mud, and steam, +and dirt at each other with whoops, and halloos, and bellowing curses. + +The places smelled of the refuse of the pit, and that odor mixed with +the clean, wholesome aroma of the pines in our nostrils throughout the +day. + +This Yellowstone Park is laid out like Ollendorf, in exercises of +progressive difficulty. Hell's Half-Acre was a prelude to ten or twelve +miles of geyser formation. + +We passed hot streams boiling in the forest; saw whiffs of steam beyond +these, and yet other whiffs breaking through the misty green hills in +the far distance; we trampled on sulphur in crystals, and sniffed things +much worse than any sulphur which is known to the upper world; and so +journeying, bewildered with the novelty, came upon a really park-like +place where Tom suggested we should get out and play with the geysers on +foot. + +Imagine mighty green fields splattered with lime-beds, all the flowers +of the summer growing up to the very edge of the lime. That was our +first glimpse of the geyser basins. + +The buggy had pulled up close to a rough, broken, blistered cone of +spelter stuff between ten and twenty feet high. There was trouble in +that place--moaning, splashing, gurgling, and the clank of machinery. +A spurt of boiling water jumped into the air, and a wash of water +followed. + +I removed swiftly. The old lady from Chicago shrieked. “What a wicked +waste!” said her husband. + +I think they call it the Riverside Geyser. Its spout was torn and ragged +like the mouth of a gun when a shell has burst there. It grumbled madly +for a moment or two, and then was still. I crept over the steaming +lime--it was the burning marl on which Satan lay--and looked fearfully +down its mouth. You should never look a gift geyser in the mouth. + +I beheld a horrible, slippery, slimy funnel with water rising and +falling ten feet at a time. Then the water rose to lip level with a +rush, and an infernal bubbling troubled this Devil's Bethesda before +the sullen heave of the crest of a wave lapped over the edge and made me +run. + +Mark the nature of the human soul! I had begun with awe, not to say +terror, for this was my first experience of such things. I stepped back +from the banks of the Riverside Geyser, saying:--“Pooh! Is that all it +can do?” + +Yet for aught I knew, the whole thing might have blown up at a minute's +notice, she, he, or it being an arrangement of uncertain temper. + +We drifted on, up that miraculous valley. On either side of us were +hills from a thousand or fifteen hundred feet high, wooded from crest to +heel. As far as the eye could range forward were columns of steam in the +air, misshapen lumps of lime, mist-like preadamite monsters, still pools +of turquoise-blue stretches of blue corn-flowers, a river that coiled on +itself twenty times, pointed bowlders of strange colors, and ridges of +glaring, staring white. + +A moon-faced trooper of German extraction--never was park so carefully +patrolled--came up to inform us that as yet we had not seen any of +the real geysers; that they were all a mile or so up the valley, and +tastefully scattered round the hotel in which we would rest for the +night. + +America is a free country, but the citizens look down on the soldier. I +had to entertain that trooper. The old lady from Chicago would have none +of him; so we loafed alone together, now across half-rotten pine logs +sunk in swampy ground, anon over the ringing geyser formation, then +pounding through river-sand or brushing knee-deep through long grass. + +“And why did you enlist?” said I. + +The moon-faced one's face began to work. I thought he would have a fit, +but he told me a story instead--such a nice tale of a naughty little +girl who wrote pretty love letters to two men at once. She was a simple +village wife, but a wicked “family novelette” countess couldn't have +accomplished her ends better. She drove one man nearly wild with the +pretty little treachery, and the other man abandoned her and came West +to forget the trickery. + +Moon-face was that man. + +We rounded and limped over a low spur of hill, and came out upon a field +of aching, snowy lime rolled in sheets, twisted into knots, riven with +rents, and diamonds, and stars, stretching for more than half a mile in +every direction. + +On this place of despair lay most of the big, bad geysers who know when +there is trouble in Krakatoa, who tell the pines when there is a cyclone +on the Atlantic seaboard, and who are exhibited to visitors under pretty +and fanciful names. + +The first mound that I encountered belonged to a goblin who was +splashing in his tub. + +I heard him kick, pull a shower-bath on his shoulders, gasp, crack his +joints, and rub himself down with a towel; then he let the water out of +the bath, as a thoughtful man should, and it all sunk down out of sight +till another goblin arrived. + +So we looked and we wondered at the Beehive, whose mouth is built up +exactly like a hive, at the Turban (which is not in the least like a +turban), and at many, many other geysers, hot holes, and springs. Some +of them rumbled, some hissed, some went off spasmodically, and others +lay dead still in sheets of sapphire and beryl. + +Would you believe that even these terrible creatures have to be guarded +by the troopers to prevent the irreverent Americans from chipping the +cones to pieces, or, worse still, making the geyser sick? If you take a +small barrel full of soft-soap and drop it down a geyser's mouth, that +geyser will presently be forced to lay all before you, and for days +afterward will be of an irritated and inconstant stomach. + +When they told me the tale I was filled with sympathy. Now I wish that +I had soft-soap and tried the experiment on some lonely little beast far +away in the woods. It sounds so probable and so human. + +Yet he would be a bold man who would administer emetics to the Giantess. +She is flat-lipped, having no mouth; she looks like a pool, fifty +feet long and thirty wide, and there is no ornamentation about her. At +irregular intervals she speaks and sends up a volume of water over +two hundred feet high to begin with, then she is angry for a day and a +half--sometimes for two days. + +Owing to her peculiarity of going mad in the night, not many people have +seen the Giantess at her finest; but the clamor of her unrest, men say, +shakes the wooden hotel, and echoes like thunder among the hills. + +The congregation returned to the hotel to put down their impressions +in diaries and note-books, which they wrote up ostentatiously in the +verandas. It was a sweltering hot day, albeit we stood some-what higher +than the level of Simla, and I left that raw pine creaking caravansary +for the cool shade of a clump of pines between whose trunks glimmered +tents. + +A batch of United States troopers came down the road and flung +themselves across the country into their rough lines. The Mexican +cavalryman can ride, though he keeps his accoutrements pig-fashion and +his horse cow-fashion. + +I was free of that camp in five minutes--free to play with the heavy, +lumpy carbines, have the saddles stripped, and punch the horses +knowingly in the ribs. One of the men had been in the fight with +“Wrap-up-his-Tail,” and he told me how that great chief, his horse's +tail tied up in red calico, swaggered in front of the United States +cavalry, challenging all to single combat. But he was slain, and a few +of his tribe with him. + +“There's no use in an Indian, anyway,” concluded my friend. + +A couple of cow-boys--real cow-boys--jingled through the camp amid a +shower of mild chaff. They were on their way to Cook City, I fancy, +and I know that they never washed. But they were picturesque ruffians +exceedingly, with long spurs, hooded stirrups, slouch hats, fur +weather-cloth over their knees, and pistol-butts just easy to hand. + +“The cow-boy's goin' under before long,” said my friend. “Soon as the +country's settled up he'll have to go. But he's mighty useful now. What +would we do without the cow-boy?” + +“As how?” said I, and the camp laughed. + +“He has the money. We have the skill. He comes in winter to play poker +at the military posts. We play poker--a few. When he's lost his money we +make him drunk and let him go. Sometimes we get the wrong man.” + +And he told me a tale of an innocent cow-boy who turned up, cleaned out, +at an army post, and played poker for thirty-six hours. But it was +the post that was cleaned out when that long-haired Caucasian removed +himself, heavy with everybody's pay and declining the proffered liquor. + +“Noaw,” said the historian, “I don't play with no cow-boy unless he's a +little bit drunk first.” + +Ere I departed I gathered from more than one man the significant fact +that up to one hundred yards he felt absolutely secure behind his +revolver. + +“In England, I understand,” quoth the limber youth from the South,--“in +England a man isn't allowed to play with no fire-arms. He's got to be +taught all that when he enlists. I didn't want much teaching how to +shoot straight 'fore I served Uncle Sam. And that's just where it is. +But you was talking about your Horse Guards now?” + +I explained briefly some peculiarities of equipment connected with our +crackest crack cavalry. I grieve to say the camp roared. + +“Take 'em over swampy ground. Let 'em run around a bit an' work the +starch out of 'em, an' then, Almighty, if we wouldn't plug 'em at ease +I'd eat their horses.” + +There was a maiden--a very little maiden--who had just stepped out of +one of James's novels. She owned a delightful mother and an equally +delightful father--a heavy-eyed, slow-voiced man of finance. The parents +thought that their daughter wanted change. + +She lived in New Hampshire. Accordingly, she had dragged them up to +Alaska and to the Yosemite Valley, and was now returning leisurely, via +the Yellowstone, just in time for the tail-end of the summer season at +Saratoga. + +We had met once or twice before in the park, and I had been amazed and +amused at her critical commendation of the wonders that she saw. +From that very resolute little mouth I received a lecture on American +literature, the nature and inwardness of Washington society, the precise +value of Cable's works as compared with Uncle Remus Harris, and a few +other things that had nothing whatever to do with geysers, but were +altogether pleasant. + +Now, an English maiden who had stumbled on a dust-grimed, lime-washed, +sun-peeled, collarless wanderer come from and going to goodness knows +where, would, her mother inciting her and her father brandishing an +umbrella, have regarded him as a dissolute adventurer--a person to be +disregarded. + +Not so those delightful people from New Hampshire. They were good enough +to treat him--it sounds almost incredible--as a human being, possibly +respectable, probably not in immediate need of financial assistance. + +Papa talked pleasantly and to the point. + +The little maiden strove valiantly with the accent of her birth and that +of her rearing, and mamma smiled benignly in the background. + +Balance this with a story of a young English idiot I met mooning about +inside his high collar, attended by a valet. He condescended to tell +me that “you can't be too careful who you talk to in these parts.” And +stalked on, fearing, I suppose, every minute for his social chastity. + +That man was a barbarian (I took occasion to tell him so), for he +comported himself after the manner of the head-hunters and hunted of +Assam who are at perpetual feud one with another. + +You will understand that these foolish stories are introduced in order +to cover the fact that this pen cannot describe the glories of the Upper +Geyser Basin. The evening I spent under the lee of the Castle Geyser, +sitting on a log with some troopers and watching a baronial keep forty +feet high spouting hot water. If the Castle went off first, they said +the Giantess would be quiet, and vice versa, and then they told tales +till the moon got up and a party of campers in the woods gave us all +something to eat. + +Then came soft, turfy forest that deadened the wheels, and two +troopers on detachment duty stole noiselessly behind us. One was the +Wrap-up-his-Tail man, and they talked merrily while the half-broken +horses bucked about among the trees. And so a cavalry escort was with +us for a mile, till we got to a mighty hill strewn with moss agates, +and everybody had to jump out and pant in that thin air. But how +intoxicating it was! The old lady from Chicago ducked like an +emancipated hen as she scuttled about the road, cramming pieces of rock +into her reticule. She sent me fifty yards down to the hill-side to pick +up a piece of broken bottle which she insisted was moss agate. + +“I've some o' that at home, an' they shine. Yes, you go get it, young +man.” + +As we climbed the long path the road grew viler and viler till it +became, without disguise, the bed of a torrent; and just when things +were at their rockiest we nearly fell into a little sapphire lake--but +never sapphire was so blue--called Mary's Lake; and that between eight +and nine thousand feet above the sea. + +Afterward, grass downs, all on a vehement slope, so that the buggy, +following the new-made road, ran on the two off-wheels mostly till we +dipped head-first into a ford, climbed up a cliff, raced along down, +dipped again, and pulled up dishevelled at “Larry's” for lunch and an +hour's rest. + +Then we lay on the grass and laughed with sheer bliss of being alive. +This have I known once in Japan, once on the banks of the Columbia, what +time the salmon came in and California howled, and once again in the +Yellowstone by the light of the eyes of the maiden from New Hampshire. +Four little pools lay at my elbow, one was of black water (tepid), one +clear water (cold), one clear water (hot), one red water (boiling). +My newly washed handkerchief covered them all, and we two marvelled as +children marvel. + +“This evening we shall do the Grand Canyon of the Yellowstone,” said the +maiden. + +“Together?” said I; and she said, “Yes.” + +The sun was beginning to sink when we heard the roar of falling waters +and came to a broad river along whose banks we ran. And then--I might +at a pinch describe the infernal regions, but not the other place. The +Yellowstone River has occasion to run through a gorge about eight miles +long. To get to the bottom of the gorge it makes two leaps, one of +about one hundred and twenty and the other of three hundred feet. I +investigated the upper or lesser fall, which is close to the hotel. + +Up to that time nothing particular happens to the Yellowstone--its banks +being only rocky, rather steep, and plentifully adorned with pines. + +At the falls it comes round a corner, green, solid, ribbed with a little +foam, and not more than thirty yards wide. Then it goes over, still +green, and rather more solid than before. After a minute or two, you, +sitting upon a rock directly above the drop, begin to understand that +something has occurred; that the river has jumped between solid cliff +walls, and that the gentle froth of water lapping the sides of the gorge +below is really the outcome of great waves. + +And the river yells aloud; but the cliffs do not allow the yells to +escape. + +That inspection began with curiosity and finished in terror, for it +seemed that the whole world was sliding in chrysolite from under my +feet. I followed with the others round the corner to arrive at the brink +of the canyon. We had to climb up a nearly perpendicular ascent to begin +with, for the ground rises more than the river drops. Stately pine woods +fringe either lip of the gorge, which is the gorge of the Yellowstone. +You'll find all about it in the guide books. + +All that I can say is that without warning or preparation I looked into +a gulf seventeen hundred feet deep, with eagles and fish-hawks +circling far below. And the sides of that gulf were one wild welter of +color--crimson, emerald, cobalt, ochre, amber, honey splashed with port +wine, snow white, vermilion, lemon, and silver gray in wide washes. The +sides did not fall sheer, but were graven by time, and water, and air +into monstrous heads of kings, dead chiefs--men and women of the old +time. So far below that no sound of its strife could reach us, the +Yellowstone River ran a finger-wide strip of jade green. + +The sunlight took those wondrous walls and gave fresh hues to those that +nature had already laid there. + +Evening crept through the pines that shadowed us, but the full glory +of the day flamed in that canyon as we went out very cautiously to +a jutting piece of rock--blood-red or pink it was--that overhung the +deepest deeps of all. + +Now I know what it is to sit enthroned amid the clouds of sunset as the +spirits sit in Blake's pictures. Giddiness took away all sensation of +touch or form, but the sense of blinding color remained. + +When I reached the mainland again I had sworn that I had been floating. + +The maid from New Hampshire said no word for a very long time. Then she +quoted poetry, which was perhaps the best thing she could have done. + +“And to think that this show-place has been going on all these days an' +none of we ever saw it,” said the old lady from Chicago, with an acid +glance at her husband. + +“No, only the Injians,” said he, unmoved; and the maiden and I laughed. + +Inspiration is fleeting, beauty is vain, and the power of the mind for +wonder limited. Though the shining hosts themselves had risen choiring +from the bottom of the gorge, they would not have prevented her papa +and one baser than he from rolling stones down those stupendous +rainbow-washed slides. Seventeen hundred feet of steep-est pitch and +rather more than seventeen hundred colors for log or bowlder to whirl +through! + +So we heaved things and saw them gather way and bound from white rock to +red or yellow, dragging behind them torrents of color, till the noise of +their descent ceased and they bounded a hundred yards clear at the last +into the Yellowstone. + +“I've been down there,” said Tom, that evening. “It's easy to get down +if you're careful--just sit an' slide; but getting up is worse. An' +I found down below there two stones just marked with a picture of the +canyon. I wouldn't sell these rocks not for fifteen dollars.” + +And papa and I crawled down to the Yellowstone--just above the first +little fall--to wet a line for good luck. The round moon came up and +turned the cliffs and pines into silver; and a two-pound trout came up +also, and we slew him among the rocks, nearly tumbling into that wild +river. + + . . . . . . + +Then out and away to Livingstone once more. The maiden from New +Hampshire disappeared, papa and mamma with her. Disappeared, too, the +old lady from Chicago, and the others. + + + + +V. CHICAGO + + “I know thy cunning and thy greed, + Thy hard high lust and wilful deed, + And all thy glory loves to tell + Of specious gifts material.” + +I HAVE struck a city--a real city--and they call it Chicago. + +The other places do not count. San Francisco was a pleasure-resort as +well as a city, and Salt Lake was a phenomenon. + +This place is the first American city I have encountered. It holds +rather more than a million of people with bodies, and stands on the same +sort of soil as Calcutta. Having seen it, I urgently desire never to +see it again. It is inhabited by savages. Its water is the water of the +Hooghly, and its air is dirt. Also it says that it is the “boss” town of +America. + +I do not believe that it has anything to do with this country. They told +me to go to the Palmer House, which is overmuch gilded and mirrored, +and there I found a huge hall of tessellated marble crammed with people +talking about money, and spitting about everywhere. Other barbarians +charged in and out of this inferno with letters and telegrams in their +hands, and yet others shouted at each other. A man who had drunk quite +as much as was good for him told me that this was “the finest hotel in +the finest city on God Almighty's earth.” By the way, when an American +wishes to indicate the next country or state, he says, “God A'mighty's +earth.” This prevents discussion and flatters his vanity. + +Then I went out into the streets, which are long and flat and without +end. And verily it is not a good thing to live in the East for any +length of time. Your ideas grow to clash with those held by every +right-thinking man. I looked down interminable vistas flanked with nine, +ten, and fifteen-storied houses, and crowded with men and women, and the +show impressed me with a great horror. + +Except in London--and I have forgotten what London was like--I had +never seen so many white people together, and never such a collection of +miserables. There was no color in the street and no beauty--only a maze +of wire ropes overhead and dirty stone flagging under foot. + +A cab-driver volunteered to show me the glory of the town for so much +an hour, and with him I wandered far. He conceived that all this turmoil +and squash was a thing to be reverently admired, that it was good to +huddle men together in fifteen layers, one atop of the other, and to dig +holes in the ground for offices. + +He said that Chicago was a live town, and that all the creatures +hurrying by me were engaged in business. That is to say they were trying +to make some money that they might not die through lack of food to put +into their bellies. He took me to canals as black as ink, and filled +with un-told abominations, and bid me watch the stream of traffic across +the bridges. + +He then took me into a saloon, and while I drank made me note that the +floor was covered with coins sunk in cement. A Hottentot would not have +been guilty of this sort of barbarism. The coins made an effect pretty +enough, but the man who put them there had no thought of beauty, and, +therefore, he was a savage. + +Then my cab-driver showed me business blocks gay with signs and studded +with fantastic and absurd advertisements of goods, and looking down the +long street so adorned, it was as though each vender stood at his door +howling:--“For the sake of my money, employ or buy of me, and me only!” + +Have you ever seen a crowd at a famine-relief distribution? You know +then how the men leap into the air, stretching out their arms above the +crowd in the hope of being seen, while the women dolorously slap the +stomachs of their children and whimper. I had sooner watch famine relief +than the white man engaged in what he calls legitimate competition. The +one I understand. The other makes me ill. + +And the cabman said that these things were the proof of progress, and +by that I knew he had been reading his newspaper, as every intelligent +American should. The papers tell their clientele in language fitted to +their comprehension that the snarling together of telegraph-wires, the +heaving up of houses, and the making of money is progress. + +I spent ten hours in that huge wilderness, wandering through scores of +miles of these terrible streets and jostling some few hundred thousand +of these terrible people who talked paisa bat through their noses. + +The cabman left me; but after awhile I picked up another man, who was +full of figures, and into my ears he poured them as occasion required or +the big blank factories suggested. Here they turned out so many hundred +thousand dollars' worth of such and such an article; there so many +million other things; this house was worth so many million dollars; +that one so many million, more or less. It was like listening to a child +babbling of its hoard of shells. It was like watching a fool playing +with buttons. But I was expected to do more than listen or watch. +He demanded that I should admire; and the utmost that I could say +was:--“Are these things so? Then I am very sorry for you.” + +That made him angry, and he said that insular envy made me unresponsive. +So, you see, I could not make him understand. + +About four and a half hours after Adam was turned out of the Garden of +Eden he felt hungry, and so, bidding Eve take care that her head was not +broken by the descending fruit, shinned up a cocoanut-palm. That hurt +his legs, cut his breast, and made him breathe heavily, and Eve was +tormented with fear lest her lord should miss his footing, and so bring +the tragedy of this world to an end ere the curtain had fairly risen. +Had I met Adam then, I should have been sorry for him. To-day I find +eleven hundred thousand of his sons just as far advanced as their father +in the art of getting food, and immeasurably inferior to him in +that they think that their palm-trees lead straight to the skies. +Consequently, I am sorry in rather more than a million different ways. + +In the East bread comes naturally, even to the poorest, by a little +scratching or the gift of a friend not quite so poor. In less favored +countries one is apt to forget. Then I went to bed. And that was on a +Saturday night. + +Sunday brought me the queerest experiences of all--a revelation of +barbarism complete. I found a place that was officially described as a +church. It was a circus really, but that the worshippers did not know. +There were flowers all about the building, which was fitted up +with plush and stained oak and much luxury, including twisted brass +candlesticks of severest Gothic design. + +To these things and a congregation of savages entered suddenly a +wonderful man, completely in the confidence of their God, whom he +treated colloquially and exploited very much as a newspaper reporter +would exploit a foreign potentate. But, unlike the newspaper reporter, +he never allowed his listeners to forget that he, and not He, was the +centre of attraction. With a voice of silver and with imagery borrowed +from the auction-room, he built up for his hearers a heaven on the lines +of the Palmer House (but with all the gilding real gold, and all +the plate-glass diamond), and set in the centre of it a loud-voiced, +argumentative, very shrewd creation that he called God. One sentence at +this point caught my delighted ear. It was apropos of some question of +the Judgment, and ran:--“No! I tell you God doesn't do business that +way.” + +He was giving them a deity whom they could comprehend, and a gold +and jewelled heaven in which they could take a natural interest. He +interlarded his performance with the slang of the streets, the counter, +and the exchange, and he said that religion ought to enter into daily +life. Consequently, I presume he introduced it as daily life--his own +and the life of his friends. + +Then I escaped before the blessing, desiring no benediction at such +hands. But the persons who listened seemed to enjoy themselves, and I +understood that I had met with a popular preacher. + +Later on, when I had perused the sermons of a gentleman called Talmage +and some others, I perceived that I had been listening to a very mild +specimen. Yet that man, with his brutal gold and silver idols, his +hands-in-pocket, cigar-in-mouth, and hat-on-the-back-of-the-head style +of dealing with the sacred vessels, would count himself, spiritually, +quite competent to send a mission to convert the Indians. + +All that Sunday I listened to people who said that the mere fact of +spiking down strips of iron to wood, and getting a steam and iron thing +to run along them was progress, that the telephone was progress, and the +net-work of wires overhead was progress. They repeated their statements +again and again. + +One of them took me to their City Hall and Board of Trade works, and +pointed it out with pride. It was very ugly, but very big, and the +streets in front of it were narrow and unclean. When I saw the faces of +the men who did business in that building, I felt that there had been a +mistake in their billeting. + +By the way, 'tis a consolation to feel that I am not writing to an +English audience. Then I should have to fall into feigned ecstasies over +the marvellous progress of Chicago since the days of the great fire, to +allude casually to the raising of the entire city so many feet above +the level of the lake which it faces, and generally to grovel before the +golden calf. But you, who are desperately poor, and therefore by these +standards of no ac-count, know things, will understand when I write that +they have managed to get a million of men together on flat land, and +that the bulk of these men together appear to be lower than Mahajans and +not so companionable as a Punjabi Jat after harvest. + +But I don't think it was the blind hurry of the people, their argot, and +their grand ignorance of things beyond their immediate interests that +displeased me so much as a study of the daily papers of Chicago. + +Imprimis, there was some sort of a dispute between New York and Chicago +as to which town should give an exhibition of products to be hereafter +holden, and through the medium of their more dignified journals the +two cities were yahooing and hi-yi-ing at each other like opposition +newsboys. They called it humor, but it sounded like something quite +different. + +That was only the first trouble. The second lay in the tone of the +productions. Leading articles which include gems such as “Back of such +and such a place,” or, “We noticed, Tuesday, such an event,” or, “don't” + for “does not,” are things to be accepted with thankfulness. All that +made me want to cry was that in these papers were faithfully reproduced +all the war-cries and “back-talk” of the Palmer House bar, the slang of +the barber-shops, the mental elevation and integrity of the Pullman car +porter, the dignity of the dime museum, and the accuracy of the excited +fish-wife. I am sternly forbidden to believe that the paper educates +the public. Then I am compelled to believe that the public educate the +paper; yet suicides on the press are rare. + +Just when the sense of unreality and oppression was strongest upon me, +and when I most wanted help, a man sat at my side and began to talk what +he called politics. + +I had chanced to pay about six shillings for a travelling-cap worth +eighteen-pence, and he made of the fact a text for a sermon. He said +that this was a rich country, and that the people liked to pay two +hundred per cent, on the value of a thing. They could afford it. He said +that the government imposed a protective duty of from ten to seventy +per cent on foreign-made articles, and that the American manufacturer +consequently could sell his goods for a healthy sum. Thus an imported +hat would, with duty, cost two guineas. The American manufacturer would +make a hat for seventeen shillings, and sell it for one pound fifteen. +In these things, he said, lay the greatness of America and the +effeteness of England. Competition between factory and factory kept the +prices down to decent limits, but I was never to forget that this people +were a rich people, not like the pauper Continentals, and that they +enjoyed paying duties. + +To my weak intellect this seemed rather like juggling with counters. +Everything that I have yet purchased costs about twice as much as it +would in England, and when native made is of inferior quality. + +Moreover, since these lines were first thought of, I have visited a +gentleman who owned a factory which used to produce things. He owned the +factory still. Not a man was in it, but he was drawing a handsome income +from a syndicate of firms for keeping it closed, in order that it might +not produce things. This man said that if protection were abandoned, +a tide of pauper labor would flood the country, and as I looked at his +factory I thought how entirely better it was to have no labor of any +kind whatever rather than face so horrible a future. + +Meantime, do you remember that this peculiar country enjoys paying money +for value not received? I am an alien, and for the life of me I cannot +see why six shillings should be paid for eighteen-penny caps, or eight +shillings for half-crown cigar-cases. When the country fills up to a +decently populated level a few million people who are not aliens will be +smitten with the same sort of blindness. + +But my friend's assertion somehow thoroughly suited the grotesque +ferocity of Chicago. + +See now and judge! In the village of Isser Jang, on the road to +Montgomery, there be four Changar women who winnow corn--some seventy +bushels a year. Beyond their hut lives Purun Dass, the money-lender, who +on good security lends as much as five thousand rupees in a year. Jowala +Singh, the smith, mends the village plows--some thirty, broken at the +share, in three hundred and sixty-five days; and Hukm Chund, who is +letter-writer and head of the little club under the travellers' tree, +generally keeps the village posted in such gossip as the barber and the +mid-wife have not yet made public property. + +Chicago husks and winnows her wheat by the million bushels, a hundred +banks lend hundreds of millions of dollars in the year, and scores of +factories turn out plow-gear and machinery by steam. Scores of daily +papers do work which Hukm Chund and the barber and the midwife perform, +with due regard for public opinion, in the village of Isser Jang. So +far as manufactories go, the difference between Chicago on the lake, +and Isser Jang on the Montgomery road, is one of degree only, and not of +kind. As far as the understanding of the uses of life goes, Isser Jang, +for all its seasonal cholers, has the advantage over Chicago. + +Jowala Singh knows and takes care to avoid the three or four +ghoul-haunted fields on the outskirts of the village; but he is not +urged by millions of devils to run about all day in the sun and swear +that his plowshares are the best in the Punjab; nor does Purun Dass +fly forth in an ekka more than once or twice a year, and he knows, on +a pinch, how to use the railway and the telegraph as well as any son of +Israel in Chicago. But this is absurd. + +The East is not the West, and these men must continue to deal with the +machinery of life, and to call it progress. Their very preachers +dare not rebuke them. They gloss over the hunting for money and the +thrice-sharpened bitterness of Adam's curse, by saying that such things +dower a man with a larger range of thoughts and higher aspirations. They +do not say, “Free yourselves from your own slavery,” but rather, “If you +can possibly manage it, do not set quite so much store on the things of +this world.” + +And they do not know what the things of this world are! + +I went off to see cattle killed, by way of clearing my head, which, as +you will perceive, was getting muddled. They say every Englishman goes +to the Chicago stock-yards. You shall find them about six miles from the +city; and once having seen them, you will never forget the sight. + +As far as the eye can reach stretches a town-ship of cattle-pens, +cunningly divided into blocks, so that the animals of any pen can be +speedily driven out close to an inclined timber path which leads to an +elevated covered way straddling high above the pens. These viaducts are +two-storied. On the upper story tramp the doomed cattle, stolidly +for the most part. On the lower, with a scuffling of sharp hoofs and +multitudinous yells, run the pigs, the same end being appointed for +each. Thus you will see the gangs of cattle waiting their turn--as they +wait sometimes for days; and they need not be distressed by the sight of +their fellows running about in the fear of death. All they know is that +a man on horseback causes their next-door neighbors to move by means of +a whip. Certain bars and fences are unshipped, and behold! that crowd +have gone up the mouth of a sloping tunnel and return no more. + +It is different with the pigs. They shriek back the news of the exodus +to their friends, and a hundred pens skirl responsive. + +It was to the pigs I first addressed myself. Selecting a viaduct which +was full of them, as I could hear, though I could not see, I marked a +sombre building whereto it ran, and went there, not unalarmed by stray +cattle who had managed to escape from their proper quarters. A pleasant +smell of brine warned me of what was coming. I entered the factory +and found it full of pork in barrels, and on another story more pork +un-barrelled, and in a huge room the halves of swine, for whose behoof +great lumps of ice were being pitched in at the window. That room was +the mortuary chamber where the pigs lay for a little while in state ere +they began their progress through such passages as kings may sometimes +travel. + +Turning a corner, and not noting an overhead arrangement of greased +rail, wheel, and pulley, I ran into the arms of four eviscerated +carcasses, all pure white and of a human aspect, pushed by a man clad in +vehement red. When I leaped aside, the floor was slippery under me. Also +there was a flavor of farm-yard in my nostrils and the shouting of a +multitude in my ears. But there was no joy in that shouting. Twelve men +stood in two lines six a side. Between them and overhead ran the railway +of death that had nearly shunted me through the window. Each man carried +a knife, the sleeves of his shirt were cut off at the elbows, and from +bosom to heel he was blood-red. + +Beyond this perspective was a column of steam, and beyond that was +where I worked my awe-struck way, unwilling to touch beam or wall. The +atmosphere was stifling as a night in the rains by reason of the steam +and the crowd. I climbed to the beginning of things and, perched upon a +narrow beam, overlooked very nearly all the pigs ever bred in Wisconsin. +They had just been shot out of the mouth of the viaduct and huddled +together in a large pen. Thence they were flicked persuasively, a few +at a time, into a smaller chamber, and there a man fixed tackle on their +hinder legs, so that they rose in the air, suspended from the railway of +death. + +Oh! it was then they shrieked and called on their mothers, and made +promises of amendment, till the tackle-man punted them in their backs +and they slid head down into a brick-floored passage, very like a big +kitchen sink, that was blood-red. There awaited them a red man with +a knife, which he passed jauntily through their throats, and the +full-voiced shriek became a splutter, and then a fall as of heavy +tropical rain, and the red man, who was backed against the passage-wall, +you will understand, stood clear of the wildly kicking hoofs and passed +his hand over his eyes, not from any feeling of compassion, but because +the spurted blood was in his eyes, and he had barely time to stick the +next arrival. Then that first stuck swine dropped, still kicking, into +a great vat of boiling water, and spoke no more words, but wallowed +in obedience to some unseen machinery, and presently came forth at +the lower end of the vat, and was heaved on the blades of a blunt +paddle-wheel, things which said “Hough, hough, hough!” and skelped all +the hair off him, except what little a couple of men with knives could +remove. + +Then he was again hitched by the heels to that said railway, and passed +down the line of the twelve men, each man with a knife--losing with each +man a certain amount of his individuality, which was taken away in a +wheel-barrow, and when he reached the last man he was very beautiful +to behold, but excessively unstuffed and limp. Preponderance of +individuality was ever a bar to foreign travel. That pig could have been +in case to visit you in India had he not parted with some of his most +cherished notions. + +The dissecting part impressed me not so much as the slaying. They were +so excessively alive, these pigs. And then, they were so excessively +dead, and the man in the dripping, clammy, not passage did not seem to +care, and ere the blood of such a one had ceased to foam on the floor, +such another and four friends with him had shrieked and died. But a pig +is only the unclean animal--the forbidden of the prophet. + + + + +VI. THE AMERICAN ARMY + +I SHOULD very much like to deliver a dissertation on the American army +and the possibilities of its extension. You see, it is such a beautiful +little army, and the dear people don't quite understand what to do with +it. The theory is that it is an instructional nucleus round which +the militia of the country will rally, and from which they will get a +stiffening in time of danger. Yet other people consider that the +army should be built, like a pair of lazy tongs--on the principle of +elasticity and extension--so that in time of need it may fill up its +skeleton battalions and empty saddle troops. This is real wisdom, +be-cause the American army, as at present constituted, is made up +of:--Twenty-five regiments infantry, ten companies each. + +Ten regiments cavalry, twelve companies each. + +Five regiments artillery, twelve companies each. + +Now there is a notion in the air to reorganize the service on these +lines:--Eighteen regiments infantry at four battalions, four companies +each; third battalion, skeleton; fourth on paper. + +Eight regiments cavalry at four battalions, four troops each; third +battalion, skeleton; fourth on paper. + +Five regiments artillery at four battalions, four companies each; third +battalion, skeleton; fourth on paper. + +Observe the beauty of this business. The third battalion will have its +officers, but no men; the fourth will probably have a rendezvous and +some equipment. + +It is not contemplated to give it anything more definite at present. +Assuming the regiments to be made up to full complement, we get an army +of fifty thousand men, which after the need passes away must be cut down +fifty per cent, to the huge delight of the officers. + +The military needs of the States be three: (a) Frontier warfare, an +employment well within the grip of the present army of twenty-five +thousand, and in the nature of things growing less arduous year by year; +(b) internal riots and commotions which rise up like a dust devil, whirl +furiously, and die out long before the authorities at Washington could +begin to fill up even the third skeleton battalions, much less hunt +about for material for the fourth; (c) civil war, in which, as the case +in the affair of the North and South, the regular army would be swamped +in the mass of militia and armed volunteers would turn the land into a +hell. + +Yet the authorities persist in regarding an external war as a thing to +be seriously considered. + +The Power that would disembark troops on American soil would be capable +of heaving a shovelful of mud into the Atlantic in the hope of filling +it up. Consequently, the authorities are fascinated with the idea of the +sliding scale or concertina army. This is an hereditary instinct, for +you know that when we English have got together two companies, one +machine gun, a sick bullock, forty generals, and a mass of W. O. forms, +we say we possess “an army corps capable of indefinite extension.” + +The American army is a beautiful little army. Some day, when all +the Indians are happily dead or drunk, it ought to make the finest +scientific and survey corps that the world has ever seen; it does +excellent work now, but there is this defect in its nature: It is +officered, as you know, from West Point. + +The mischief of it is that West Point seems to be created for the +purpose of spreading a general knowledge of military matters among the +people. A boy goes up to that institution, gets his pass, and returns +to civil life, so they tell me, with a dangerous knowledge that he is +a suckling Von Moltke, and may apply his learning when occasion offers. +Given trouble, that man will be a nuisance, because he is a hideously +versatile American, to begin with, as cock-sure of himself as a man +can be, and with all the racial disregard for human life to back him, +through any demi-semi-professional generalship. + +In a country where, as the records of the daily papers show, men engaged +in a conflict with police or jails are all too ready to adopt a military +formation and get heavily shot in a sort of cheap, half-constructed +warfare, instead of being decently scared by the appearance of the +military, this sort of arrangement does not seem wise. + +The bond between the States is of an amazing tenuity. So long as they +do not absolutely march into the District of Columbia, sit on the +Washington statues, and invent a flag of their own, they can legislate, +lynch, hunt negroes through swamps, divorce, railroad, and rampage +as much as ever they choose. They do not need knowledge of their own +military strength to back their genial lawlessness. + +That regular army, which is a dear little army, should be kept to +itself, blooded on detachment duty, turned into the paths of science, +and now and again assembled at feasts of Free Masons, and so forth. + +It is too tiny to be a political power. The immortal wreck of the +Grand Army of the Republic is a political power of the largest and most +unblushing description. It ought not to help to lay the foundations of +an amateur military power that is blind and irresponsible. + +By great good luck the evil-minded train, already delayed twelve hours +by a burned bridge, brought me to the city on a Saturday by way of that +valley which the Mormons, over their efforts, had caused to blossom like +the rose. Twelve hours previously I had entered into a new world where, +in conversation, every one was either a Mormon or a Gentile. It is not +seemly for a free and independent citizen to dub himself a Gentile, but +the Mayor of Ogden--which is the Gentile city of the valley--told me +that there must be some distinction between the two flocks. + +Long before the fruit orchards of Logan or the shining levels of the +Salt Lake had been reached, that mayor--himself a Gentile, and one +renowned for his dealings with the Mormons--told me that the great +question of the existence of the power within the power was being +gradually solved by the ballot and by education. + +All the beauty of the valley could not make me forget it. And the valley +is very fair. Bench after bench of land, flat as a table against the +flanks of the ringing hills, marks where the Salt Lake rested for awhile +in its collapse from an inland sea to a lake fifty miles long and thirty +broad. + +There are the makings of a very fine creed about Mormonism. To begin +with, the Church is rather more absolute than that of Rome. Drop the +polygamy plank in the platform, but on the other hand deal lightly with +certain forms of excess; keep the quality of the recruit down to the +low mental level, and see that the best of all the agricultural +science available is in the hands of the elders, and there you have +a first-class engine for pioneer work. The tawdry mysticism and the +borrowing from Freemasonry serve the low caste Swede and Dane, the +Welshman and the Cornish cotter, just as well as a highly organized +heaven. + +Then I went about the streets and peeped into people's front windows, +and the decorations upon the tables were after the manner of the year +1850. Main Street was full of country folk from the desert, come in to +trade with the Zion Mercantile Co-operative Institute. The Church, I +fancy, looks after the finances of this thing, and it consequently pays +good dividends. + +The faces of the women were not lovely. In-deed, but for the certainty +that ugly persons are just as irrational in the matter of undivided love +as the beautiful, it seems that polygamy was a blessed institution for +the women, and that only the dread threats of the spiritual power could +drive the hulking, board-faced men into it. The women wore hideous +garments, and the men appeared to be tied up with strings. + +They would market all that afternoon, and on Sunday go to the +praying-place. I tried to talk to a few of them, but they spoke strange +tongues, and stared and behaved like cows. Yet one woman, and not an +altogether ugly one, confided to me that she hated the idea of Salt Lake +City being turned into a show-place for the amusement of the Gentiles. + +“If we 'have our own institutions, that ain't no reason why people +should come 'ere and stare at us, his it?” + +The dropped “h” betrayed her. + +“And when did you leave England?” I said. + +“Summer of '84. I am Dorset,” she said. “The Mormon agent was very +good to us, and we was very poor. Now we're better off--my father, an' +mother, an' me.” + +“Then you like the State?” + +She misunderstood at first. + +“Oh, I ain't livin' in the state of polygamy. Not me, yet. I ain't +married. I like where I am. I've got things o' my own--and some land.” + +“But I suppose you will--” + +“Not me. I ain't like them Swedes an' Danes. I ain't got nothin' to say +for or against polygamy. It's the elders' business, an' between you an' +me, I don't think it's going on much longer. You'll 'ear them in the +'ouse to-morrer talkin' as if it was spreadin' all over America. The +Swedes, they think it his. I know it hisn't.” + +“But you've got your land all right?” + +“Oh, yes; we've got our land, an' we never say aught against polygamy, +o' course--father, an' mother, an' me.” + +On a table-land overlooking all the city stands the United States +garrison of infantry and artillery. The State of Utah can do nearly +anything it pleases until that much-to-be-desired hour when the Gentile +vote shall quietly swamp out Mormonism; but the garrison is kept there +in case of accidents. The big, shark-mouthed, pig-eared, heavy-boned +farmers sometimes take to their creed with wildest fanaticism, and in +past years have made life excessively unpleasant for the Gentile when he +was few in the land. But to-day, so far from killing openly or secretly, +or burning Gentile farms, it is all the Mormon dare do to feebly try +to boycott the interloper. His journals preach defiance to the United +States Government, and in the Tabernacle on a Sunday the preachers +follow suit. + +When I went there, the place was full of people who would have been much +better for a washing. + +A man rose up and told them that they were the chosen of God, the elect +of Israel; that they were to obey their priests, and that there was a +good time coming. I fancy that they had heard all this before so +many times it produced no impression whatever, even as the sublimest +mysteries of another faith lose salt through constant iteration. They +breathed heavily through their noses, and stared straight in front of +them--impassive as flat fish. + + + + +VII. AMERICA'S DEFENCELESS COASTS + +JUST suppose that America were twenty days distant from England. Then a +man could study its customs with undivided soul; but being so very +near next door, he goes about the land with one eye on the smoke of the +flesh-pots of the old country across the seas, while with the other he +squints biliously and prejudicially at the alien. + +I can lay my hand upon my sacred heart and affirm that up to to-day I +have never taken three consecutive trips by rail without being delayed +by an accident. That it was an accident to another train makes no +difference. My own turn may come next. + +A few miles from peaceful, pleasure-loving Lakewood they had managed to +upset an express goods train to the detriment of the flimsy permanent +way; and thus the train which should have left at three departed at +seven in the evening. I was not angry. I was scarcely even interested. +When an American train starts on time I begin to anticipate disaster--a +visitation for such good luck, you understand. + +Buffalo is a large village of a quarter of a million inhabitants, +situated on the seashore, which is falsely called Lake Erie. It is a +peaceful place, and more like an English county town than most of its +friends. + +Once clear of the main business streets, you launch upon miles and miles +of asphalted roads running between cottages and cut-stone residences of +those who have money and peace. All the Eastern cities own this fringe +of elegance, but except in Chicago nowhere is the fringe deeper or more +heavily widened than in Buffalo. + +The American will go to a bad place because he cannot speak English, +and is proud of it; but he knows how to make a home for himself and his +mate, knows how to keep the grass green in front of his veranda, and how +to fullest use the mechanism of life--hot water, gas, good bell-ropes, +telephones, etc. His shops sell him delightful household fitments +at very moderate rates, and he is encompassed with all manner of +labor-saving appliances. This does not prevent his wife and his daughter +working themselves to death over household drudgery; but the intention +is good. + +When you have seen the outside of a few hundred thousand of these homes +and the insides of a few score, you begin to understand why the American +(the respectable one) does not take a deep interest in what they call +“politics,” and why he is so vaguely and generally proud of the country +that enables him to be so comfortable. How can the owner of a dainty +chalet, with smoked-oak furniture, imitation Venetian tapestry curtains, +hot and cold water laid on, a bed of geraniums and hollyhocks, a baby +crawling down the veranda, and a self-acting twirly-whirly hose gently +hissing over the grass in the balmy dusk of an August evening--how +can such a man despair of the Republic, or descend into the streets on +voting days and mix cheerfully with “the boys”? + +No, it is the stranger--the homeless jackal of a stranger--whose +interest in the country is limited to his hotel-bill and a +railway-ticket, that can run from Dan to Beersheba, crying:--“All is +barren!” + +Every good American wants a home--a pretty house and a little piece of +land of his very own; and every other good American seems to get it. + +It was when my gigantic intellect was grappling with this question +that I confirmed a discovery half made in the West. The natives of +most classes marry young--absurdly young. One of my informants--not the +twenty-two-year-old husband I met on Lake Chautauqua--said that from +twenty to twenty-four was about the usual time for this folly. And +when I asked whether the practice was confined to the constitutionally +improvident classes, he said “No” very quickly. He said it was a general +custom, and nobody saw anything wrong with it. + +“I guess, perhaps, very early marriage may account for a good deal of +the divorce,” said he, reflectively. + +Whereat I was silent. Their marriages and their divorces only concern +these people; and neither I travelling, nor you, who may come after, +have any right to make rude remarks about them. Only--only coming from +a land where a man begins to lightly turn to thoughts of love not before +he is thirty, I own that playing at house-keeping before that age rather +surprised me. Out in the West, though, they marry, boys and girls, from +sixteen upward, and I have met more than one bride of fifteen--husband +aged twenty. + +“When man and woman are agreed, what can the Kazi do?” + +From those peaceful homes, and the envy they inspire (two trunks and +a walking-stick and a bit of pine forest in British Columbia are not +satisfactory, any way you look at them), I turned me to the lake front +of Buffalo, where the steamers bellow to the grain elevators, and the +locomotives yell to the coal-shutes, and the canal barges jostle the +lumber-raft half a mile long as it snakes across the water in tow of a +launch, and earth, and sky, and sea alike are thick with smoke. + +In the old days, before the railway ran into the city, all the business +quarters fringed the lake-shore where the traffic was largest. To-day +the business quarters have gone up-town to meet the railroad; the lake +traffic still exists, but you shall find a narrow belt of red-brick +desolation, broken windows, gap-toothed doors, and streets where the +grass grows between the crowded wharves and the bustling city. To the +lake front comes wheat from Chicago, lumber, coal, and ore, and a large +trade in cheap excursionists. + +It was my felicity to catch a grain steamer and an elevator emptying +that same steamer. The steamer might have been two thousand tons burden. +She was laden with wheat in bulk; from stem to stern, thirteen feet +deep, lay the clean, red wheat. There was no twenty-five per cent dirt +admixture about it at all. It was wheat, fit for the grindstones as it +lay. They manoeuvred the fore-hatch of that steamer directly under an +elevator--a house of red tin a hundred and fifty feet high. Then they +let down into that fore-hatch a trunk as if it had been the trunk of an +elephant, but stiff, because it was a pipe of iron-champed wood. And +the trunk had a steel-shod nose to it, and contained an endless chain of +steel buckets. + +Then the captain swore, raising his eyes to heaven, and a gruff voice +answered him from the place he swore at, and certain machinery, also in +the firmament, began to clack, and the glittering, steel-shod nose of +that trunk burrowed into the wheat, and the wheat quivered and sunk +upon the instant as water sinks when the siphon sucks, because the steel +buckets within the trunk were flying upon their endless round, carrying +away each its appointed morsel of wheat. + +The elevator was a Persian well wheel--a wheel squashed out thin +and cased in a pipe, a wheel driven not by bullocks, but by much +horse-power, licking up the grain at the rate of thou-sands of +bushels the hour. And the wheat sunk into the fore-hatch while a man +looked--sunk till the brown timbers of the bulkheads showed bare, and +men leaped down through clouds of golden dust and shovelled the wheat +furiously round the nose of the trunk, and got a steam-shovel of +glittering steel and made that shovel also, till there remained of the +grain not more than a horse leaves in the fold of his nose-bag. + +In this manner do they handle wheat at Buffalo. On one side of the +elevator is the steamer, on the other the railway track; and the wheat +is loaded into the cars in bulk. Wah! wah! God is great, and I do not +think He ever intended Gar Sahai or Luckman Narain to supply England +with her wheat. India can cut in not without profit to herself when her +harvest is good and the American yield poor; but this very big country +can, upon the average, supply the earth with all the beef and bread that +is required. + +A man in the train said to me:--“We kin feed all the earth, jest as +easily as we kin whip all the earth.” + +Now the second statement is as false as the first is true. One of these +days the respectable Republic will find this out. + +Unfortunately we, the English, will never be the people to teach her; +because she is a chartered libertine allowed to say and do anything +she likes, from demanding the head of the empress in an editorial +waste-basket, to chevying Canadian schooners up and down the Alaska +Seas. It is perfectly impossible to go to war with these people, +whatever they may do. + +They are much too nice, in the first place, and in the second, it would +throw out all the passenger traffic of the Atlantic, and upset the +financial arrangements of the English syndicates who have invested their +money in breweries, railways, and the like, and in the third, it's not +to be done. Everybody knows that, and no one better than the American. + +Yet there are other powers who are not “ohai band” (of the +brotherhood)--China, for instance. Try to believe an irresponsible +writer when he assures you that China's fleet to-day, if properly +manned, could waft the entire American navy out of the water and into +the blue. The big, fat Republic that is afraid of nothing, because +nothing up to the present date has happened to make her afraid, is as +unprotected as a jelly-fish. Not internally, of course--it would be +madness for any Power to throw men into America; they would die--but as +far as regards coast defence. + +From five miles out at sea (I have seen a test of her “fortified” ports) +a ship of the power of H. M. S. “Collingwood” (they haven't run her on +a rock yet) would wipe out any or every town from San Francisco to Long +Branch; and three first-class ironclads would account for New York, +Bartholdi's Statue and all. + +Reflect on this. 'Twould be “Pay up or go up” round the entire coast +of the United States. To this furiously answers the patriotic +American:--“We should not pay. We should invent a Columbiad in Pittsburg +or--or anywhere else, and blow any outsider into h--l.” + +They might invent. They might lay waste their cities and retire inland, +for they can subsist entirely on their own produce. Meantime, in a war +waged the only way it could be waged by an unscrupulous Power, their +coast cities and their dock-yards would be ashes. They could construct +their navy inland if they liked, but you could never bring a ship down +to the water-ways, as they stand now. + +They could not, with an ordinary water patrol, despatch one regiment +of men six miles across the seas. There would be about five million +excessively angry, armed men pent up within American limits. These men +would require ships to get themselves afloat. The country has no such +ships, and until the ships were built New York need not be allowed a +single-wheeled carriage within her limits. + +Behold now the glorious condition of this Republic which has no fear. +There is ransom and loot past the counting of man on her seaboard +alone--plunder that would enrich a nation--and she has neither a navy +nor half a dozen first-class ports to guard the whole. No man catches a +snake by the tail, because the creature will sting; but you can build a +fire around a snake that will make it squirm. + +The country is supposed to be building a navy now. When the ships are +completed her alliance will be worth having--if the alliance of any +republic can be relied upon. For the next three years she can be hurt, +and badly hurt. Pity it is that she is of our own blood, looking at the +matter from a Pindarris point of view. Dog cannot eat dog. + +These sinful reflections were prompted by the sight of the beautifully +unprotected condition of Buffalo--a city that could be made to pay up +five million dollars without feeling it. There are her companies of +infantry in a sort of port there. A gun-boat brought over in pieces from +Niagara could get the money and get away before she could be caught, +while an unarmored gun-boat guarding Toronto could ravage the towns on +the lakes. When one hears so much of the nation that can whip the earth, +it is, to say the least of it, surprising to find her so temptingly +spankable. + +The average American citizen seems to have a notion that any Power +engaged in strife with the Star Spangled Banner will disembark men from +flat-bottomed boats on a convenient beach for the purpose of being shot +down by local militia. In his own simple phraseology:--“Not by a darned +sight. No, sir.” + +Ransom at long range will be about the size of it--cash or crash. + +Let us revisit calmer scenes. + +In the heart of Buffalo there stands a magnificent building which the +population do innocently style a music-hall. Everybody comes here +of evenings to sit around little tables and listen to a first-class +orchestra. The place is something like the Gaiety Theatre at Simla, +enlarged twenty times. The “Light Brigade” of Buffalo occupy the boxes +and the stage, “as it was at Simla in the days of old,” and the others +sit in the parquet. Here I went with a friend--poor or boor is the man +who cannot pick up a friend for a season in America--and here was shown +the really smart folk of the city. I grieve to say I laughed, because +when an American wishes to be correct he sets himself to imitate the +Englishman. This he does vilely, and earns not only the contempt of his +brethren, but the amused scorn of the Briton. + +I saw one man who was pointed out to me as being the glass of fashion +hereabouts. He was aggressively English in his get-up. From eye-glass +to trouser-hem the illusion was perfect, but--he wore with evening-dress +buttoned boots with brown cloth tops! Not till I wandered about this +land did I understand why the comic papers belabor the Anglomaniac. + +Certain young men of the more idiotic sort launch into dog-carts and +raiment of English cut, and here in Buffalo they play polo at four +in the afternoon. I saw three youths come down to the polo-ground +faultlessly attired for the game and mounted on their best ponies. +Expecting a game, I lingered; but I was mistaken. These three shining +ones with the very new yellow hide boots and the red silk sashes had +assembled themselves for the purpose of knocking the ball about. They +smote with great solemnity up and down the grounds, while the little +boys looked on. When they trotted, which was not seldom, they rose +and sunk in their stirrups with a conscientiousness that cried out +“Riding-school!” from afar. + +Other young men in the park were riding after the English manner, in +neatly cut riding-trousers and light saddles. Fate in derision had +made each youth bedizen his animal with a checkered enamelled leather +brow-band visible half a mile away--a black-and-white checkered +brow-band! They can't do it, any more than an Englishman, by taking +cold, can add that indescribable nasal twang to his orchestra. + +The other sight of the evening was a horror. The little tragedy played +itself out at a neighboring table where two very young men and two very +young women were sitting. It did not strike me till far into the evening +that the pimply young reprobates were making the girls drunk. They gave +them red wine and then white, and the voices rose slightly with the +maidens' cheek flushes. I watched, wishing to stay, and the youths drank +till their speech thickened and their eye-balls grew watery. It was +sickening to see, because I knew what was going to happen. My friend +eyed the group, and said:--“Maybe they're children of respectable +people. I hardly think, though, they'd be allowed out without any better +escort than these boys. And yet the place is a place where every one +comes, as you see. They may be Little Immoralities--in which case they +wouldn't be so hopelessly overcome with two glasses of wine. They may +be--” + +Whatever they were they got indubitably drunk--there in that lovely +hall, surrounded by the best of Buffalo society. One could do nothing +except invoke the judgment of Heaven on the two boys, themselves half +sick with liquor. At the close of the performance the quieter maiden +laughed vacantly and protested she couldn't keep her feet. The four +linked arms, and staggering, flickered out into the street--drunk, +gentlemen and ladies, as Davy's swine, drunk as lords! They disappeared +down a side avenue, but I could hear their laughter long after they were +out of sight. + +And they were all four children of sixteen and seventeen. Then, +recanting previous opinions, I became a prohibitionist. Better it is +that a man should go without his beer in public places, and content +himself with swearing at the narrow-mindedness of the majority; better +it is to poison the inside with very vile temperance drinks, and to buy +lager furtively at back-doors, than to bring temptation to the lips +of young fools such as the four I had seen. I understand now why the +preachers rage against drink. I have said: “There is no harm in it, +taken moderately;” and yet my own demand for beer helped directly to +send those two girls reeling down the dark street to--God alone knows +what end. + +If liquor is worth drinking, it is worth taking a little trouble to come +at--such trouble as a man will undergo to compass his own desires. It +is not good that we should let it lie before the eyes of children, and +I have been a fool in writing to the contrary. Very sorry for myself, I +sought a hotel, and found in the hall a reporter who wished to know what +I thought of the country. Him I lured into conversation about his own +profession, and from him gained much that confirmed me in my views +of the grinding tyranny of that thing which they call the Press here. +Thus:--I--But you talk about interviewing people whether they like it or +not. Have you no bounds beyond which even your indecent curiosity must +not go? + +HE--I haven't struck 'em yet. What do you think of interviewing a widow +two hours after her husband's death, to get her version of his life? + +I--I think that is the work of a ghoul. Must the people have no privacy? + +HE--There is no domestic privacy in America. If there was, what the +deuce would the papers do? See here. Some time ago I had an assignment +to write up the floral tributes when a prominent citizen had died. + +I--Translate, please; I do not understand your pagan rites and +ceremonies. + +HE--I was ordered by the office to describe the flowers, and wreaths, +and so on, that had been sent to a dead man's funeral. Well, I went +to the house. There was no one there to stop me, so I yanked the +tinkler--pulled the bell--and drifted into the room where the corpse +lay all among the roses and smilax. I whipped out my note-book and pawed +around among the floral tributes, turn-ing up the tickets on the wreaths +and seeing who had sent them. In the middle of this I heard some one +saying: “Please, oh, please!” behind me, and there stood the daughter of +the house, just bathed in tears--I--You unmitigated brute! + +HE--Pretty much what I felt myself. “I'm very sorry, miss,” I said, +“to intrude on the privacy of your grief. Trust me, I shall make it as +little painful as possible.” + +I--But by what conceivable right did you outrage--HE--Hold your horses. +I'm telling you. Well, she didn't want me in the house at all, +and between her sobs fairly waved me away. I had half the tributes +described, though, and the balance I did partly on the steps when the +stiff 'un came out, and partly in the church. The preacher gave the +sermon. That wasn't my assignment. I skipped about among the floral +tributes while he was talking. I could have made no excuse if I had gone +back to the office and said that a pretty girl's sobs had stopped me +obeying orders. I had to do it. What do you think of it all? + +I (slowly)--Do you want to know? + +HE (with his note-book ready)--Of course. How do you regard it? + +I--It makes me regard your interesting nation with the same shuddering +curiosity that I should bestow on a Pappan cannibal chewing the scalp +off his mother's skull. Does that convey any idea to your mind? It makes +me regard the whole pack of you as heathens--real heathens--not the sort +you send missions to--creatures of another flesh and blood. You ought to +have been shot, not dead, but through the stomach, for your share in the +scandalous business, and the thing you call your newspaper ought to have +been sacked by the mob, and the managing proprietor hanged. + +HE--From which, I suppose you have nothing of that kind in your country? + +Oh! “Pioneer,” venerable “Pioneer,” and you not less honest press of +India, who are occasionally dull but never blackguardly, what could I +say? A mere “No,” shouted never so loudly, would not have met the needs +of the case. I said no word. + +The reporter went away, and I took a train for Niagara Falls, which are +twenty-two miles distant from this bad town, where girls get drunk of +nights and reporters trample on corpses in the drawing-rooms of the +brave and the free! + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of American Notes, by Rudyard Kipling + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AMERICAN NOTES *** + +***** This file should be named 977-0.txt or 977-0.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/9/7/977/ + +Produced by Judith Boss + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/977-0.zip b/977-0.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a854e83 --- /dev/null +++ b/977-0.zip diff --git a/977-h.zip b/977-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c4df37a --- /dev/null +++ b/977-h.zip diff --git a/977-h/977-h.htm b/977-h/977-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d8356ae --- /dev/null +++ b/977-h/977-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,3615 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + American Notes, by Rudyard Kipling + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of American Notes, by Rudyard Kipling + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: American Notes + +Author: Rudyard Kipling + +Release Date: July 21, 2008 [EBook #977] +Last Updated: March 9, 2018 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AMERICAN NOTES *** + + + + +Produced by Judith Boss, and David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + AMERICAN NOTES + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + by Rudyard Kipling + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_INTR" id="link2H_INTR"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Introduction + </h2> + <p> + In an issue of the London World in April, 1890, there appeared the + following paragraph: “Two small rooms connected by a tiny hall afford + sufficient space to contain Mr. Rudyard Kipling, the literary hero of the + present hour, 'the man who came from nowhere,' as he says himself, and who + a year ago was consciously nothing in the literary world.” + </p> + <p> + Six months previous to this Mr. Kipling, then but twenty-four years old, + had arrived in England from India to find that fame had preceded him. He + had already gained fame in India, where scores of cultured and critical + people, after reading “Departmental Ditties,” “Plain Tales from the + Hills,” and various other stories and verses, had stamped him for a + genius. + </p> + <p> + Fortunately for everybody who reads, London interested and stimulated Mr. + Kipling, and he settled down to writing. “The Record of Badalia + Herodsfoot,” and his first novel, “The Light that Failed,” appeared in + 1890 and 1891; then a collection of verse, “Life's Handicap, being stories + of Mine Own People,” was published simultaneously in London and New York + City; then followed more verse, and so on through an unending series. + </p> + <p> + In 1891 Mr. Kipling met the young author Wolcott Balestier, at that time + connected with a London publishing house. A strong attachment grew between + the two, and several months after their first meeting they came to Mr. + Balestier's Vermont home, where they collaborated on “The Naulahka: A + Story of West and East,” for which The Century paid the largest price ever + given by an American magazine for a story. The following year Mr. Kipling + married Mr. Balestier's sister in London and brought her to America. + </p> + <p> + The Balestiers were of an aristocratic New York family; the grandfather of + Mrs. Kipling was J. M. Balestier, a prominent lawyer in New York City and + Chicago, who died in 1888, leaving a fortune of about a million. Her + maternal grandfather was E. Peshine Smith of Rochester, N. Y., a noted + author and jurist, who was selected in 1871 by Secretary Hamilton Fish to + go to Japan as the Mikado's adviser in international law. The ancestral + home of the Balestiers was near Brattleboro', Vt., and here Mr. Kipling + brought his bride. The young Englishman was so impressed by the Vermont + scenery that he rented for a time the cottage on the “Bliss Farm,” in + which Steele Mackaye the playwright wrote the well known drama “Hazel + Kirke.” + </p> + <p> + The next spring Mr. Kipling purchased from his brother-in-law, Beatty + Balestier, a tract of land about three miles north of Brattleboro', Vt., + and on this erected a house at a cost of nearly $50,000, which he named + “The Naulahka.” This was his home during his sojourn in America. Here he + wrote when in the mood, and for recreation tramped abroad over the hills. + His social duties at this period were not arduous, for to his home he + refused admittance to all but tried friends. He made a study of the Yankee + country dialect and character for “The Walking Delegate,” and while + “Captains Courageous,” the story of New England fisher life, was before + him he spent some time among the Gloucester fishermen with an acquaintance + who had access to the household gods of these people. + </p> + <p> + He returned to England in August, 1896, and did not visit America again + till 1899, when he came with his wife and three children for a limited + time. + </p> + <p> + It is hardly fair to Mr. Kipling to call “American Notes” first + impressions, for one reading them will readily see that the impressions + are superficial, little thought being put upon the writing. They seem + super-sarcastic, and would lead one to believe that Mr. Kipling is + antagonistic to America in every respect. This, however, is not true. + These “Notes” aroused much protest and severe criticism when they appeared + in 1891, and are considered so far beneath Mr. Kipling's real work that + they have been nearly suppressed and are rarely found in a list of his + writings. Their very caustic style is of interest to a student and lover + of Kipling, and for this reason the publishers believe them worthy of a + good binding. + </p> + <p> + G. P. T. <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + Contents + </h2> + <table summary="" style="margin-right: auto; margin-left: auto"> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_INTR"> Introduction </a> + </p> + <br /> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> I. AT THE GOLDEN GATE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> II. AMERICAN POLITICS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> III. AMERICAN SALMON </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> IV. THE YELLOWSTONE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> V. CHICAGO </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> VI. THE AMERICAN ARMY </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0008"> VII. AMERICA'S DEFENCELESS COASTS </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <h2> + I. AT THE GOLDEN GATE + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Serene, indifferent to fate, + Thou sittest at the Western Gate; + Thou seest the white seas fold their tents, + Oh, warder of two continents; + Thou drawest all things, small and great, + To thee, beside the Western Gate.” + </pre> + <p> + THIS is what Bret Harte has written of the great city of San Francisco, + and for the past fortnight I have been wondering what made him do it. + </p> + <p> + There is neither serenity nor indifference to be found in these parts; and + evil would it be for the continents whose wardship were intrusted to so + reckless a guardian. + </p> + <p> + Behold me pitched neck-and-crop from twenty days of the high seas into the + whirl of California, deprived of any guidance, and left to draw my own + conclusions. Protect me from the wrath of an outraged community if these + letters be ever read by American eyes! San Francisco is a mad city—inhabited + for the most part by perfectly insane people, whose women are of a + remarkable beauty. + </p> + <p> + When the “City of Pekin” steamed through the Golden Gate, I saw with great + joy that the block-house which guarded the mouth of the “finest harbor in + the world, sir,” could be silenced by two gunboats from Hong Kong with + safety, comfort, and despatch. Also, there was not a single American + vessel of war in the harbor. + </p> + <p> + This may sound bloodthirsty; but remember, I had come with a grievance + upon me—the grievance of the pirated English books. + </p> + <p> + Then a reporter leaped aboard, and ere I could gasp held me in his toils. + He pumped me exhaustively while I was getting ashore, demanding of all + things in the world news about Indian journalism. It is an awful thing to + enter a new land with a new lie on your lips. I spoke the truth to the + evil-minded Custom House man who turned my most sacred raiment on a floor + composed of stable refuse and pine splinters; but the reporter overwhelmed + me not so much by his poignant audacity as his beautiful ignorance. I am + sorry now that I did not tell him more lies as I passed into a city of + three hundred thousand white men. Think of it! Three hundred thousand + white men and women gathered in one spot, walking upon real pavements in + front of plate-glass-windowed shops, and talking something that at first + hearing was not very different from English. It was only when I had + tangled myself up in a hopeless maze of small wooden houses, dust, street + refuse, and children who played with empty kerosene tins, that I + discovered the difference of speech. + </p> + <p> + “You want to go to the Palace Hotel?” said an affable youth on a dray. + “What in hell are you doing here, then? This is about the lowest ward in + the city. Go six blocks north to corner of Geary and Markey, then walk + around till you strike corner of Gutter and Sixteenth, and that brings you + there.” + </p> + <p> + I do not vouch for the literal accuracy of these directions, quoting but + from a disordered memory. + </p> + <p> + “Amen,” I said. “But who am I that I should strike the corners of such as + you name? Peradventure they be gentlemen of repute, and might hit back. + Bring it down to dots, my son.” + </p> + <p> + I thought he would have smitten me, but he didn't. He explained that no + one ever used the word “street,” and that every one was supposed to know + how the streets ran, for sometimes the names were upon the lamps and + sometimes they weren't. Fortified with these directions, I proceeded till + I found a mighty street, full of sumptuous buildings four and five stories + high, but paved with rude cobblestones, after the fashion of the year 1. + </p> + <p> + Here a tram-car, without any visible means of support, slid stealthily + behind me and nearly struck me in the back. This was the famous cable car + of San Francisco, which runs by gripping an endless wire rope sunk in the + ground, and of which I will tell you more anon. A hundred yards further + there was a slight commotion in the street, a gathering together of three + or four, something that glittered as it moved very swiftly. A ponderous + Irish gentleman, with priest's cords in his hat and a small nickel-plated + badge on his fat bosom, emerged from the knot supporting a Chinaman who + had been stabbed in the eye and was bleeding like a pig. The by-standers + went their ways, and the Chinaman, assisted by the policeman, his own. Of + course this was none of my business, but I rather wanted to know what had + happened to the gentleman who had dealt the stab. It said a great deal for + the excellence of the municipal arrangement of the town that a surging + crowd did not at once block the street to see what was going forward. I + was the sixth man and the last who assisted at the performance, and my + curiosity was six times the greatest. Indeed, I felt ashamed of showing + it. + </p> + <p> + There were no more incidents till I reached the Palace Hotel, a + seven-storied warren of humanity with a thousand rooms in it. All the + travel books will tell you about hotel arrangements in this country. They + should be seen to be appreciated. Understand clearly—and this letter + is written after a thousand miles of experiences—that money will not + buy you service in the West. When the hotel clerk—the man who awards + your room to you and who is supposed to give you information—when + that resplendent individual stoops to attend to your wants he does so + whistling or humming or picking his teeth, or pauses to converse with some + one he knows. These performances, I gather, are to impress upon you that + he is a free man and your equal. From his general appearance and the size + of his diamonds he ought to be your superior. There is no necessity for + this swaggering self-consciousness of freedom. Business is business, and + the man who is paid to attend to a man might reasonably devote his whole + attention to the job. Out of office hours he can take his coach and four + and pervade society if he pleases. + </p> + <p> + In a vast marble-paved hall, under the glare of an electric light, sat + forty or fifty men, and for their use and amusement were provided + spittoons of infinite capacity and generous gape. Most of the men wore + frock-coats and top-hats—the things that we in India put on at a + wedding-breakfast, if we possess them—but they all spat. They spat + on principle. The spittoons were on the staircases, in each bedroom—yea, + and in chambers even more sacred than these. They chased one into + retirement, but they blossomed in chiefest splendor round the bar, and + they were all used, every reeking one of them. + </p> + <p> + Just before I began to feel deathly sick another reporter grappled me. + What he wanted to know was the precise area of India in square miles. I + referred him to Whittaker. He had never heard of Whittaker. He wanted it + from my own mouth, and I would not tell him. Then he swerved off, just + like the other man, to details of journalism in our own country. I + ventured to suggest that the interior economy of a paper most concerned + the people who worked it. + </p> + <p> + “That's the very thing that interests us,” he said. “Have you got + reporters anything like our reporters on Indian newspapers?” + </p> + <p> + “We have not,” I said, and suppressed the “thank God” rising to my lips. + </p> + <p> + “Why haven't you?” said he. + </p> + <p> + “Because they would die,” I said. + </p> + <p> + It was exactly like talking to a child—a very rude little child. He + would begin almost every sentence with, “Now tell me something about + India,” and would turn aimlessly from one question to the other without + the least continuity. I was not angry, but keenly interested. The man was + a revelation to me. To his questions I returned answers mendacious and + evasive. After all, it really did not matter what I said. He could not + understand. I can only hope and pray that none of the readers of the + “Pioneer” will ever see that portentous interview. The man made me out to + be an idiot several sizes more drivelling than my destiny intended, and + the rankness of his ignorance managed to distort the few poor facts with + which I supplied him into large and elaborate lies. Then, thought I, “the + matter of American journalism shall be looked into later on. At present I + will enjoy myself.” + </p> + <p> + No man rose to tell me what were the lions of the place. No one + volunteered any sort of conveyance. I was absolutely alone in this big + city of white folk. By instinct I sought refreshment, and came upon a + barroom full of bad Salon pictures in which men with hats on the backs of + their heads were wolfing food from a counter. It was the institution of + the “free lunch” I had struck. You paid for a drink and got as much as you + wanted to eat. For something less than a rupee a day a man can feed + himself sumptuously in San Francisco, even though he be a bankrupt. + Remember this if ever you are stranded in these parts. + </p> + <p> + Later I began a vast but unsystematic exploration of the streets. I asked + for no names. It was enough that the pavements were full of white men and + women, the streets clanging with traffic, and that the restful roar of a + great city rang in my ears. The cable cars glided to all points of the + compass at once. I took them one by one till I could go no further. San + Francisco has been pitched down on the sand bunkers of the Bikaneer + desert. About one fourth of it is ground reclaimed from the sea—any + old-timers will tell you all about that. The remainder is just ragged, + unthrifty sand hills, to-day pegged down by houses. + </p> + <p> + From an English point of view there has not been the least attempt at + grading those hills, and indeed you might as well try to grade the + hillocks of Sind. The cable cars have for all practical purposes made San + Francisco a dead level. They take no count of rise or fall, but slide + equably on their appointed courses from one end to the other of a six-mile + street. They turn corners almost at right angles, cross other lines, and + for aught I know may run up the sides of houses. There is no visible + agency of their flight, but once in awhile you shall pass a five-storied + building humming with machinery that winds up an everlasting wire cable, + and the initiated will tell you that here is the mechanism. I gave up + asking questions. If it pleases Providence to make a car run up and down a + slit in the ground for many miles, and if for twopence halfpenny I can + ride in that car, why shall I seek the reasons of the miracle? Rather let + me look out of the windows till the shops give place to thousands and + thousands of little houses made of wood (to imitate stone), each house + just big enough for a man and his family. Let me watch the people in the + cars and try to find out in what manner they differ from us, their + ancestors. + </p> + <p> + It grieves me now that I cursed them (in the matter of book piracy), + because I perceived that my curse is working and that their speech is + becoming a horror already. They delude themselves into the belief that + they talk English—the English—and I have already been pitied + for speaking with “an English accent.” The man who pitied me spoke, so far + as I was concerned, the language of thieves. And they all do. Where we put + the accent forward they throw it back, and vice versa where we give the + long “a” they use the short, and words so simple as to be past mistaking + they pronounce somewhere up in the dome of their heads. How do these + things happen? + </p> + <p> + Oliver Wendell Holmes says that the Yankee school-marm, the cider and the + salt codfish of the Eastern States, are responsible for what he calls a + nasal accent. I know better. They stole books from across the water + without paying for 'em, and the snort of delight was fixed in their + nostrils forever by a just Providence. That is why they talk a foreign + tongue to-day. + </p> + <p> + “Cats is dogs, and rabbits is dogs, and so's parrots. But this 'ere + tortoise is an insect, so there ain't no charge,” as the old porter said. + </p> + <p> + A Hindoo is a Hindoo and a brother to the man who knows his vernacular. + And a Frenchman is French because he speaks his own language. But the + American has no language. He is dialect, slang, provincialism, accent, and + so forth. Now that I have heard their voices, all the beauty of Bret Harte + is being ruined for me, because I find myself catching through the roll of + his rhythmical prose the cadence of his peculiar fatherland. Get an + American lady to read to you “How Santa Claus Came to Simpson's Bar,” and + see how much is, under her tongue, left of the beauty of the original. + </p> + <p> + But I am sorry for Bret Harte. It happened this way. A reporter asked me + what I thought of the city, and I made answer suavely that it was hallowed + ground to me, because of Bret Harte. That was true. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said the reporter, “Bret Harte claims California, but California + don't claim Bret Harte. He's been so long in England that he's quite + English. Have you seen our cracker factories or the new offices of the + 'Examiner'?” + </p> + <p> + He could not understand that to the outside world the city was worth a + great deal less than the man. I never intended to curse the people with a + provincialism so vast as this. + </p> + <p> + But let us return to our sheep—which means the sea-lions of the + Cliff House. They are the great show of San Francisco. You take a train + which pulls up the middle of the street (it killed two people the day + before yesterday, being unbraked and driven absolutely regardless of + consequences), and you pull up somewhere at the back of the city on the + Pacific beach. Originally the cliffs and their approaches must have been + pretty, but they have been so carefully defiled with advertisements that + they are now one big blistered abomination. A hundred yards from the shore + stood a big rock covered with the carcasses of the sleek sea-beasts, who + roared and rolled and walloped in the spouting surges. No bold man had + painted the creatures sky-blue or advertised newspapers on their backs, + wherefore they did not match the landscape, which was chiefly hoarding. + Some day, perhaps, whatever sort of government may obtain in this country + will make a restoration of the place and keep it clean and neat. At + present the sovereign people, of whom I have heard so much already, are + vending cherries and painting the virtues of “Little Bile Beans” all over + it. + </p> + <p> + Night fell over the Pacific, and the white sea-fog whipped through the + streets, dimming the splendors of the electric lights. It is the use of + this city, her men and women folk, to parade between the hours of eight + and ten a certain street called Cairn Street, where the finest shops are + situated. Here the click of high heels on the pavement is loudest, here + the lights are brightest, and here the thunder of the traffic is most + overwhelming. I watched Young California, and saw that it was, at least, + expensively dressed, cheerful in manner, and self-asserting in + conversation. Also the women were very fair. Perhaps eighteen days aboard + ship had something to do with my unreserved admiration. The maidens were + of generous build, large, well groomed, and attired in raiment that even + to my inexperienced eyes must have cost much. Cairn Street at nine o'clock + levels all distinctions of rank as impartially as the grave. Again and + again I loitered at the heels of a couple of resplendent beings, only to + overhear, when I expected the level voice of culture, the staccato “Sez + he,” “Sez I” that is the mark of the white servant-girl all the world + over. + </p> + <p> + This was depressing because, in spite of all that goes to the contrary, + fine feathers ought to make fine birds. There was wealth—unlimited + wealth—in the streets, but not an accent that would not have been + dear at fifty cents. Wherefore, revolving in my mind that these folk were + barbarians, I was presently enlightened and made aware that they also were + the heirs of all the ages, and civilized after all. There appeared before + me an affable stranger of prepossessing appearance, with a blue and an + innocent eye. Addressing me by name, he claimed to have met me in New + York, at the Windsor, and to this claim I gave a qualified assent. I did + not remember the fact, but since he was so certain of it, why, then—I + waited developments. + </p> + <p> + “And what did you think of Indiana when you came through?” was the next + question. + </p> + <p> + It revealed the mystery of previous acquaintance and one or two other + things. With reprehensible carelessness my friend of the light-blue eye + had looked up the name of his victim in the hotel register, and read + “Indiana” for India. + </p> + <p> + The provincialism with which I had cursed his people extended to himself. + He could not imagine an Englishman coming through the States from west to + east instead of by the regularly ordained route. My fear was that in his + delight in finding me so responsive he would make remarks about New York + and the Windsor which I could not understand. And, indeed, he adventured + in this direction once or twice, asking me what I thought of such and such + streets, which from his tone I gathered to be anything but respectable. It + is trying to talk unknown New York in almost unknown San Francisco. But my + friend was merciful. He protested that I was one after his own heart, and + pressed upon me rare and curious drinks at more than one bar. These drinks + I accepted with gratitude, as also the cigars with which his pockets were + stored. He would show me the life of the city. Having no desire to watch a + weary old play again, I evaded the offer and received in lieu of the + devil's instruction much coarse flattery. Curiously constituted is the + soul of man. Knowing how and where this man lied, waiting idly for the + finale, I was distinctly conscious, as he bubbled compliments in my ear, + of soft thrills of gratified pride stealing from hat-rim to boot-heels. I + was wise, quoth he—anybody could see that with half an eye; + sagacious, versed in the ways of the world, an acquaintance to be desired; + one who had tasted the cup of life with discretion. + </p> + <p> + All this pleased me, and in a measure numbed the suspicion that was + thoroughly aroused. Eventually the blue-eyed one discovered, nay, + insisted, that I had a taste for cards (this was clumsily worked in, but + it was my fault, for in that I met him half-way and allowed him no chance + of good acting). Hereupon I laid my head upon one side and simulated + unholy wisdom, quoting odds and ends of poker talk, all ludicrously + misapplied. My friend kept his countenance admirably, and well he might, + for five minutes later we arrived, always by the purest of chance, at a + place where we could play cards and also frivol with Louisiana State + Lottery tickets. Would I play? + </p> + <p> + “Nay,” said I, “for to me cards have neither meaning nor continuity; but + let us assume that I am going to play. How would you and your friends get + to work? Would you play a straight game, or make me drunk, or—well, + the fact is, I'm a newspaper man, and I'd be much obliged if you'd let me + know something about bunco steering.” + </p> + <p> + My blue-eyed friend erected himself into an obelisk of profanity. He + cursed me by his gods—the right and left bower; he even cursed the + very good cigars he had given me. But, the storm over, he quieted down and + explained. I apologized for causing him to waste an evening, and we spent + a very pleasant time together. + </p> + <p> + Inaccuracy, provincialism, and a too hasty rushing to conclusions, were + the rocks that he had split on, but he got his revenge when he said:—“How + would I play with you? From all the poppycock Anglice bosh you talked + about poker, I'd ha' played a straight game, and skinned you. I wouldn't + have taken the trouble to make you drunk. You never knew anything of the + game, but how I was mistaken in going to work on you, makes me sick.” + </p> + <p> + He glared at me as though I had done him an injury. To-day I know how it + is that year after year, week after week, the bunco steerer, who is the + confidence trick and the card-sharper man of other climes, secures his + prey. He clavers them over with flattery as the snake clavers the rabbit. + The incident depressed me because it showed I had left the innocent East + far behind and was come to a country where a man must look out for + himself. The very hotels bristled with notices about keeping my door + locked and depositing my valuables in a safe. The white man in a lump is + bad. Weeping softly for O-Toyo (little I knew then that my heart was to be + torn afresh from my bosom) I fell asleep in the clanging hotel. + </p> + <p> + Next morning I had entered upon the deferred inheritance. There are no + princes in America—at least with crowns on their heads—but a + generous-minded member of some royal family received my letter of + introduction. Ere the day closed I was a member of the two clubs, and + booked for many engagements to dinner and party. Now, this prince, upon + whose financial operations be continual increase, had no reason, nor had + the others, his friends, to put himself out for the sake of one Briton + more or less, but he rested not till he had accomplished all in my behalf + that a mother could think of for her debutante daughter. + </p> + <p> + Do you know the Bohemian Club of San Francisco? They say its fame extends + over the world. It was created, somewhat on the lines of the Savage, by + men who wrote or drew things, and has blossomed into most unrepublican + luxury. The ruler of the place is an owl—an owl standing upon a + skull and cross-bones, showing forth grimly the wisdom of the man of + letters and the end of his hopes for immortality. The owl stands on the + staircase, a statue four feet high; is carved in the wood-work, flutters + on the frescoed ceiling, is stamped on the note-paper, and hangs on the + walls. He is an ancient and honorable bird. Under his wing 'twas my + privilege to meet with white men whose lives were not chained down to + routine of toil, who wrote magazine articles instead of reading them + hurriedly in the pauses of office-work, who painted pictures instead of + contenting themselves with cheap etchings picked up at another man's sale + of effects. Mine were all the rights of social intercourse, craft by + craft, that India, stony-hearted step-mother of collectors, has swindled + us out of. Treading soft carpets and breathing the incense of superior + cigars, I wandered from room to room studying the paintings in which the + members of the club had caricatured themselves, their associates, and + their aims. There was a slick French audacity about the workmanship of + these men of toil unbending that went straight to the heart of the + beholder. And yet it was not altogether French. A dry grimness of + treatment, almost Dutch, marked the difference. The men painted as they + spoke—with certainty. The club indulges in revelries which it calls + “jinks”—high and low, at intervals—and each of these + gatherings is faithfully portrayed in oils by hands that know their + business. In this club were no amateurs spoiling canvas, because they + fancied they could handle oils without knowledge of shadows or anatomy—no + gentleman of leisure ruining the temper of publishers and an already + ruined market with attempts to write “because everybody writes something + these days.” + </p> + <p> + My hosts were working, or had worked for their daily bread with pen or + paint, and their talk for the most part was of the shop—shoppy—that + is to say, delightful. They extended a large hand of welcome, and were as + brethren, and I did homage to the owl and listened to their talk. An + Indian club about Christmas-time will yield, if properly worked, an + abundant harvest of queer tales; but at a gathering of Americans from the + uttermost ends of their own continent, the tales are larger, thicker, more + spinous, and even more azure than any Indian variety. Tales of the war I + heard told by an ex-officer of the South over his evening drink to a + colonel of the Northern army, my introducer, who had served as a trooper + in the Northern Horse, throwing in emendations from time to time. “Tales + of the Law,” which in this country is an amazingly elastic affair, + followed from the lips of a judge. Forgive me for recording one tale that + struck me as new. It may interest the up-country Bar in India. + </p> + <p> + Once upon a time there was Samuelson, a young lawyer, who feared not God, + neither regarded the Bench. (Name, age, and town of the man were given at + great length.) To him no case had ever come as a client, partly because he + lived in a district where lynch law prevailed, and partly because the most + desperate prisoner shrunk from intrusting himself to the mercies of a + phenomenal stammerer. But in time there happened an aggravated murder—so + bad, indeed, that by common consent the citizens decided, as a prelude to + lynching, to give the real law a chance. They could, in fact, gambol round + that murder. They met—the court in its shirt-sleeves—and + against the raw square of the Court House window a temptingly suggestive + branch of a tree fretted the sky. No one appeared for the prisoner, and, + partly in jest, the court advised young Samuelson to take up the case. + </p> + <p> + “The prisoner is undefended, Sam,” said the court. “The square thing to do + would be for you to take him aside and do the best you can for him.” + </p> + <p> + Court, jury, and witness then adjourned to the veranda, while Samuelson + led his client aside to the Court House cells. An hour passed ere the + lawyer returned alone. Mutely the audience questioned. + </p> + <p> + “May it p-p-please the c-court,” said Samuel-son, “my client's case is a + b-b-b-bad one—a d-d-amn bad one. You told me to do the b-b-best I + c-could for him, judge, so I've jest given him y-your b-b-bay gelding, an' + told him to light out for healthier c-climes, my p-p-professional opinion + being he'd be hanged quicker'n h-h-hades if he dallied here. B-by this + time my client's 'bout fifteen mile out yonder somewheres. That was the + b-b-best I could do for him, may it p-p-please the court.” + </p> + <p> + The young man, escaping punishment in lieu of the prisoner, made his + fortune ere five years. + </p> + <p> + Other voices followed, with equally wondrous tales of riata-throwing in + Mexico and Arizona, of gambling at army posts in Texas, of newspaper wars + waged in godless Chicago (I could not help being interested, but they were + not pretty tricks), of deaths sudden and violent in Montana and Dakota, of + the loves of half-breed maidens in the South, and fantastic huntings for + gold in mysterious Alaska. Above all, they told the story of the building + of old San Francisco, when the “finest collection of humanity on God's + earth, sir, started this town, and the water came up to the foot of Market + Street.” Very terrible were some of the tales, grimly humorous the others, + and the men in broadcloth and fine linen who told them had played their + parts in them. + </p> + <p> + “And now and again when things got too bad they would toll the city bell, + and the Vigilance Committee turned out and hanged the suspicious + characters. A man didn't begin to be suspected in those days till he had + committed at least one unprovoked murder,” said a calm-eyed, portly old + gentleman. + </p> + <p> + I looked at the pictures around me, the noiseless, neat-uniformed waiter + behind me, the oak-ribbed ceiling above, the velvet carpet beneath. It was + hard to realize that even twenty years ago you could see a man hanged with + great pomp. Later on I found reason to change my opinion. The tales gave + me a headache and set me thinking. How in the world was it possible to + take in even one thousandth of this huge, roaring, many-sided continent? + In the tobacco-scented silence of the sumptuous library lay Professor + Bryce's book on the American Republic. + </p> + <p> + “It is an omen,” said I. “He has done all things in all seriousness, and + he may be purchased for half a guinea. Those who desire information of the + most undoubted, must refer to his pages. For me is the daily round of + vagabondage, the recording of the incidents of the hour and intercourse + with the travelling-companion of the day. I will not 'do' this country at + all.” + </p> + <p> + And I forgot all about India for ten days while I went out to dinners and + watched the social customs of the people, which are entirely different + from our customs, and was introduced to men of many millions. These + persons are harmless in their earlier stages—that is to say, a man + worth three or four million dollars may be a good talker, clever, amusing, + and of the world; a man with twice that amount is to be avoided, and a + twenty million man is—just twenty millions. Take an instance. I was + speaking to a newspaper man about seeing the proprietor of his journal, as + in my innocence I supposed newspaper men occasionally did. My friend + snorted indignantly:—“See him! Great Scott! No. If he happens to + appear in the office, I have to associate with him; but, thank Heaven! + outside of that I move in circles where he cannot come.” + </p> + <p> + And yet the first thing I have been taught to believe is that money was + everything in America! + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + II. AMERICAN POLITICS + </h2> + <p> + I HAVE been watching machinery in repose after reading about machinery in + action. + </p> + <p> + An excellent gentleman, who bears a name honored in the magazine, writes, + much as Disraeli orated, of “the sublime instincts of an ancient people,” + the certainty with which they can be trusted to manage their own affairs + in their own way, and the speed with which they are making for all sorts + of desirable goals. This he called a statement or purview of American + politics. + </p> + <p> + I went almost directly afterward to a saloon where gentlemen interested in + ward politics nightly congregate. They were not pretty persons. Some of + them were bloated, and they all swore cheerfully till the heavy gold + watch-chains on their fat stomachs rose and fell again; but they talked + over their liquor as men who had power and unquestioned access to places + of trust and profit. + </p> + <p> + The magazine writer discussed theories of government; these men the + practice. They had been there. They knew all about it. They banged their + fists on the table and spoke of political “pulls,” the vending of votes, + and so forth. Theirs was not the talk of village babblers reconstructing + the affairs of the nation, but of strong, coarse, lustful men fighting for + spoil, and thoroughly understanding the best methods of reaching it. + </p> + <p> + I listened long and intently to speech I could not understand—or but + in spots. + </p> + <p> + It was the speech of business, however. I had sense enough to know that, + and to do my laughing outside the door. + </p> + <p> + Then I began to understand why my pleasant and well-educated hosts in San + Francisco spoke with a bitter scorn of such duties of citizenship as + voting and taking an interest in the distribution of offices. Scores of + men have told me, without false pride, that they would as soon concern + themselves with the public affairs of the city or state as rake muck with + a steam-shovel. It may be that their lofty disdain covers selfishness, but + I should be very sorry habitually to meet the fat gentlemen with shiny + top-hats and plump cigars in whose society I have been spending the + evening. + </p> + <p> + Read about politics as the cultured writer of the magazine regards 'em, + and then, and not till then, pay your respects to the gentlemen who run + the grimy reality. + </p> + <p> + I'm sick of interviewing night editors who lean their chair against the + wall, and, in response to my demand for the record of a prominent citizen, + answer: “Well, you see, he began by keeping a saloon,” etc. I prefer to + believe that my informants are treating me as in the old sinful days in + India I was used to treat the wandering globe-trotter. They declare that + they speak the truth, and the news of dog politics lately vouchsafed to me + in groggeries inclines me to believe, but I won't. The people are much too + nice to slangander as recklessly as I have been doing. + </p> + <p> + Besides, I am hopelessly in love with about eight American maidens—all + perfectly delightful till the next one comes into the room. + </p> + <p> + O-Toyo was a darling, but she lacked several things—conversation for + one. You cannot live on giggles. She shall remain unmarried at Nagasaki, + while I roast a battered heart before the shrine of a big Kentucky blonde, + who had for a nurse when she was little a negro “mammy.” + </p> + <p> + By consequence she has welded on California beauty, Paris dresses, Eastern + culture, Europe trips, and wild Western originality, the queer, dreamy + superstitions of the quarters, and the result is soul-shattering. And she + is but one of many stars. + </p> + <p> + Item, a maiden who believes in education and possesses it, with a few + hundred thousand dollars to boot and a taste for slumming. + </p> + <p> + Item, the leader of a sort of informal salon where girls congregate, read + papers, and daringly discuss metaphysical problems and candy—a + sloe-eyed, black-browed, imperious maiden she. + </p> + <p> + Item, a very small maiden, absolutely without reverence, who can in one + swift sentence trample upon and leave gasping half a dozen young men. + </p> + <p> + Item, a millionairess, burdened with her money, lonely, caustic, with a + tongue keen as a sword, yearning for a sphere, but chained up to the rock + of her vast possessions. + </p> + <p> + Item, a typewriter maiden earning her own bread in this big city, because + she doesn't think a girl ought to be a burden on her parents, who quotes + Theophile Gautier and moves through the world manfully, much respected for + all her twenty inexperienced summers. + </p> + <p> + Item, a woman from cloud-land who has no history in the past or future, + but is discreetly of the present, and strives for the confidences of male + humanity on the grounds of “sympathy” (methinks this is not altogether a + new type). + </p> + <p> + Item, a girl in a “dive,” blessed with a Greek head and eyes, that seem to + speak all that is best and sweetest in the world. But woe is me! She has + no ideas in this world or the next beyond the consumption of beer (a + commission on each bottle), and protests that she sings the songs allotted + to her nightly without more than the vaguest notion of their meaning. + </p> + <p> + Sweet and comely are the maidens of Devonshire; delicate and of gracious + seeming those who live in the pleasant places of London; fascinating for + all their demureness the damsels of France, clinging closely to their + mothers, with large eyes wondering at the wicked world; excellent in her + own place and to those who understand her is the Anglo-Indian “spin” in + her second season; but the girls of America are above and beyond them all. + They are clever, they can talk—yea, it is said that they think. + Certainly they have an appearance of so doing which is delightfully + deceptive. + </p> + <p> + They are original, and regard you between the brows with unabashed eyes as + a sister might look at her brother. They are instructed, too, in the folly + and vanity of the male mind, for they have associated with “the boys” from + babyhood, and can discerningly minister to both vices or pleasantly snub + the possessor. They possess, moreover, a life among themselves, + independent of any masculine associations. They have societies and clubs + and unlimited tea-fights where all the guests are girls. They are + self-possessed, without parting with any tenderness that is their + sex-right; they understand; they can take care of themselves; they are + superbly independent. When you ask them what makes them so charming, they + say:—“It is because we are better educated than your girls, and—and + we are more sensible in regard to men. We have good times all round, but + we aren't taught to regard every man as a possible husband. Nor is he + expected to marry the first girl he calls on regularly.” + </p> + <p> + Yes, they have good times, their freedom is large, and they do not abuse + it. They can go driving with young men and receive visits from young men + to an extent that would make an English mother wink with horror, and + neither driver nor drivee has a thought beyond the enjoyment of a good + time. As certain, also, of their own poets have said:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Man is fire and woman is tow, + And the devil he comes and begins to blow.” + </pre> + <p> + In America the tow is soaked in a solution that makes it fire-proof, in + absolute liberty and large knowledge; consequently, accidents do not + exceed the regular percentage arranged by the devil for each class and + climate under the skies. + </p> + <p> + But the freedom of the young girl has its drawbacks. She is—I say it + with all reluctance—irreverent, from her forty-dollar bonnet to the + buckles in her eighteen-dollar shoes. She talks flippantly to her parents + and men old enough to be her grandfather. She has a prescriptive right to + the society of the man who arrives. The parents admit it. + </p> + <p> + This is sometimes embarrassing, especially when you call on a man and his + wife for the sake of information—the one being a merchant of varied + knowledge, the other a woman of the world. In five minutes your host has + vanished. In another five his wife has followed him, and you are left + alone with a very charming maiden, doubtless, but certainly not the person + you came to see. She chatters, and you grin, but you leave with the very + strong impression of a wasted morning. This has been my experience once or + twice. I have even said as pointedly as I dared to a man:—“I came to + see you.” + </p> + <p> + “You'd better see me in my office, then. The house belongs to my women + folk—to my daughter, that is to say.” + </p> + <p> + He spoke the truth. The American of wealth is owned by his family. They + exploit him for bullion. The women get the ha'pence, the kicks are all his + own. Nothing is too good for an American's daughter (I speak here of the + moneyed classes). + </p> + <p> + The girls take every gift as a matter of course, and yet they develop + greatly when a catastrophe arrives and the man of many millions goes up or + goes down, and his daughters take to stenography or typewriting. I have + heard many tales of heroism from the lips of girls who counted the + principals among their friends. The crash came, Mamie, or Hattie, or + Sadie, gave up their maid, their carriages and candy, and with a No. 2 + Remington and a stout heart set about earning their daily bread. + </p> + <p> + “And did I drop her from the list of my friends? No, sir,” said a + scarlet-lipped vision in white lace; “that might happen to us any day.” + </p> + <p> + It may be this sense of possible disaster in the air that makes San + Francisco society go with so captivating a rush and whirl. Recklessness is + in the air. I can't explain where it comes from, but there it is. The + roaring winds of the Pacific make you drunk to begin with. The aggressive + luxury on all sides helps out the intoxication, and you spin forever “down + the ringing grooves of change” (there is no small change, by the way, west + of the Rockies) as long as money lasts. They make greatly and they spend + lavishly; not only the rich, but the artisans, who pay nearly five pounds + for a suit of clothes, and for other luxuries in proportion. + </p> + <p> + The young men rejoice in the days of their youth. They gamble, yacht, + race, enjoy prize-fights and cock-fights, the one openly, the other in + secret; they establish luxurious clubs; they break themselves over + horse-flesh and other things, and they are instant in a quarrel. At twenty + they are experienced in business, embark in vast enterprises, take + partners as experienced as themselves, and go to pieces with as much + splendor as their neighbors. Remember that the men who stocked California + in the fifties were physically, and, as far as regards certain tough + virtues, the pick of the earth. The inept and the weakly died en route, or + went under in the days of construction. To this nucleus were added all the + races of the Continent—French, Italian, German, and, of course, the + Jew. + </p> + <p> + The result you can see in the large-boned, deep-chested, delicate-handed + women, and long, elastic, well-built boys. It needs no little golden badge + swinging from the watch-chain to mark the native son of the golden West, + the country-bred of California. + </p> + <p> + Him I love because he is devoid of fear, carries himself like a man, and + has a heart as big as his books. I fancy, too, he knows how to enjoy the + blessings of life that his province so abundantly bestows upon him. At + least, I heard a little rat of a creature with hock-bottle shoulders + explaining that a man from Chicago could pull the eye-teeth of a + Californian in business. + </p> + <p> + Well, if I lived in fairy-land, where cherries were as big as plums, plums + as big as apples, and strawberries of no account, where the procession of + the fruits of the seasons was like a pageant in a Drury Lane pantomime and + the dry air was wine, I should let business slide once in a way and kick + up my heels with my fellows. The tale of the resources of California—vegetable + and mineral—is a fairy-tale. You can read it in books. You would + never believe me. + </p> + <p> + All manner of nourishing food, from sea-fish to beef, may be bought at the + lowest prices, and the people are consequently well-developed and of a + high stomach. They demand ten shillings for tinkering a jammed lock of a + trunk; they receive sixteen shillings a day for working as carpenters; + they spend many sixpences on very bad cigars, which the poorest of them + smoke, and they go mad over a prize-fight. When they disagree they do so + fatally, with fire-arms in their hands, and on the public streets. I was + just clear of Mission Street when the trouble began between two gentlemen, + one of whom perforated the other. + </p> + <p> + When a policeman, whose name I do not recollect, “fatally shot Ed Hearney” + for attempting to escape arrest, I was in the next street. For these + things I am thankful. It is enough to travel with a policeman in a + tram-car, and, while he arranges his coat-tails as he sits down, to catch + sight of a loaded revolver. It is enough to know that fifty per cent of + the men in the public saloons carry pistols about them. + </p> + <p> + The Chinaman waylays his adversary, and methodically chops him to pieces + with his hatchet. Then the press roars about the brutal ferocity of the + pagan. + </p> + <p> + The Italian reconstructs his friend with a long knife. The press complains + of the waywardness of the alien. + </p> + <p> + The Irishman and the native Californian in their hours of discontent use + the revolver, not once, but six times. The press records the fact, and + asks in the next column whether the world can parallel the progress of San + Francisco. The American who loves his country will tell you that this sort + of thing is confined to the lower classes. Just at present an ex-judge who + was sent to jail by another judge (upon my word I cannot tell whether + these titles mean anything) is breathing red-hot vengeance against his + enemy. The papers have interviewed both parties, and confidently expect a + fatal issue. + </p> + <p> + Now, let me draw breath and curse the negro waiter, and through him the + negro in service generally. He has been made a citizen with a vote, + consequently both political parties play with him. But that is neither + here nor there. He will commit in one meal every betise that a senllion + fresh from the plow-tail is capable of, and he will continue to repeat + those faults. He is as complete a heavy-footed, uncomprehending, + bungle-fisted fool as any mem-sahib in the East ever took into her + establishment. But he is according to law a free and independent citizen—consequently + above reproof or criticism. He, and he alone, in this insane city, will + wait at table (the Chinaman doesn't count). + </p> + <p> + He is untrained, inept, but he will fill the place and draw the pay. Now, + God and his father's fate made him intellectually inferior to the + Oriental. He insists on pretending that he serves tables by accident—as + a sort of amusement. He wishes you to understand this little fact. You + wish to eat your meals, and, if possible, to have them properly served. He + is a big, black, vain baby and a man rolled into one. + </p> + <p> + A colored gentleman who insisted on getting me pie when I wanted something + else, demanded information about India. I gave him some facts about wages. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, hell!” said he, cheerfully, “that wouldn't keep me in cigars for a + month.” + </p> + <p> + Then he fawned on me for a ten-cent piece. Later he took it upon himself + to pity the natives of India. “Heathens,” he called them—this woolly + one, whose race has been the butt of every comedy on the native stage + since the beginning. And I turned and saw by the head upon his shoulders + that he was a Yoruba man, if there be any truth in ethnological castes. He + did his thinking in English, but he was a Yoruba negro, and the race type + had remained the same throughout his generations. And the room was full of + other races—some that looked exactly like Gallas (but the trade was + never recruited from that side of Africa), some duplicates of Cameroon + heads, and some Kroomen, if ever Kroomen wore evening dress. + </p> + <p> + The American does not consider little matters of descent, though by this + time he ought to know all about “damnable heredity.” As a general rule he + keeps himself very far from the negro, and says things about him that are + not pretty. There are six million negroes, more or less, in the States, + and they are increasing. The American, once having made them citizens, + cannot unmake them. He says, in his newspapers, they ought to be elevated + by education. He is trying this, but it is likely to be a long job, + because black blood is much more adhesive than white, and throws back with + annoying persistence. When the negro gets religion he returns directly as + a hiving bee to the first instincts of his people. Just now a wave of + religion is sweeping over some of the Southern States. + </p> + <p> + Up to the present two Messiahs and a Daniel have appeared, and several + human sacrifices have been offered up to these incarnations. The Daniel + managed to get three young men, who he insisted were Shadrach, Meshach, + and Abednego, to walk into a blast furnace, guaranteeing non-combustion. + They did not return. I have seen nothing of this kind, but I have attended + a negro church. They pray, or are caused to pray by themselves in this + country. The congregation were moved by the spirit to groans and tears, + and one of them danced up the aisle to the mourners' bench. The motive may + have been genuine. The movements of the shaken body were those of a + Zanzibar stick dance, such as you see at Aden on the coal-boats, and even + as I watched the people, the links that bound them to the white man + snapped one by one, and I saw before me the hubshi (woolly hair) praying + to a God he did not understand. Those neatly dressed folk on the benches, + and the gray-headed elder by the window, were savages, neither more nor + less. + </p> + <p> + What will the American do with the negro? The South will not consort with + him. In some States miscegenation is a penal offence. The North is every + year less and less in need of his services. + </p> + <p> + And he will not disappear. He will continue as a problem. His friends will + urge that he is as good as the white man. His enemies—well, you can + guess what his enemies will do from a little incident that followed on a + recent appointment by the President. He made a negro an assistant in a + post-office where—think of it!—he had to work at the next desk + to a white girl, the daughter of a colonel, one of the first families of + Georgia's modern chivalry, and all the weary, weary rest of it. The + Southern chivalry howled, and hanged or burned some one in effigy. Perhaps + it was the President, and perhaps it was the negro—but the principle + remains the same. They said it was an insult. It is not good to be a negro + in the land of the free and the home of the brave. + </p> + <p> + But this is nothing to do with San Francisco and her merry maidens, her + strong, swaggering men, and her wealth of gold and pride. They bore me to + a banquet in honor of a brave lieutenant—Carlin, of the “Vandalia”—who + stuck by his ship in the great cyclone at Apia and comported himself as an + officer should. On that occasion—'twas at the Bohemian Club—I + heard oratory with the roundest of o's, and devoured a dinner the memory + of which will descend with me into the hungry grave. + </p> + <p> + There were about forty speeches delivered, and not one of them was average + or ordinary. It was my first introduction to the American eagle screaming + for all it was worth. The lieutenant's heroism served as a peg from which + the silver-tongued ones turned themselves loose and kicked. + </p> + <p> + They ransacked the clouds of sunset, the thunderbolts of heaven, the deeps + of hell, and the splendor of the resurrection for tropes and metaphors, + and hurled the result at the head of the guest of the evening. + </p> + <p> + Never since the morning stars sung together for joy, I learned, had an + amazed creation witnessed such superhuman bravery as that displayed by the + American navy in the Samoa cyclone. Till earth rotted in the + phosphorescent star-and-stripe slime of a decayed universe, that god-like + gallantry would not be forgotten. I grieve that I cannot give the exact + words. My attempt at reproducing their spirit is pale and inadequate. I + sat bewildered on a coruscating Niagara of blatherum-skite. It was + magnificent—it was stupendous—and I was conscious of a wicked + desire to hide my face in a napkin and grin. Then, according to rule, they + produced their dead, and across the snowy tablecloths dragged the corpse + of every man slain in the Civil War, and hurled defiance at “our natural + enemy” (England, so please you), “with her chain of fortresses across the + world.” Thereafter they glorified their nation afresh from the beginning, + in case any detail should have been overlooked, and that made me + uncomfortable for their sakes. How in the world can a white man, a sahib, + of our blood, stand up and plaster praise on his own country? He can think + as highly as he likes, but this open-mouthed vehemence of adoration struck + me almost as indelicate. My hosts talked for rather more than three hours, + and at the end seemed ready for three hours more. + </p> + <p> + But when the lieutenant—such a big, brave, gentle giant—rose + to his feet, he delivered what seemed to me as the speech of the evening. + I remember nearly the whole of it, and it ran something in this way:—“Gentlemen—It's + very good of you to give me this dinner and to tell me all these + pretty-things, but what I want you to understand—the fact is, what + we want and what we ought to get at once, is a navy—more ships—lots + of 'em—” + </p> + <p> + Then we howled the top of the roof off, and I for one fell in love with + Carlin on the spot. Wallah! He was a man. + </p> + <p> + The prince among merchants bid me take no heed to the warlike sentiments + of some of the old generals. + </p> + <p> + “The sky-rockets are thrown in for effect,” quoth he, “and whenever we get + on our hind legs we always express a desire to chaw up England. It's a + sort of family affair.” + </p> + <p> + And, indeed, when you come to think of it, there is no other country for + the American public speaker to trample upon. + </p> + <p> + France has Germany; we have Russia; for Italy Austria is provided; and the + humblest Pathan possesses an ancestral enemy. + </p> + <p> + Only America stands out of the racket, and therefore to be in fashion + makes a sand-bag of the mother country, and hangs her when occasion + requires. + </p> + <p> + “The chain of fortresses” man, a fascinating talker, explained to me after + the affair that he was compelled to blow off steam. Everybody expected it. + </p> + <p> + When we had chanted “The Star Spangled Banner” not more than eight times, + we adjourned. America is a very great country, but it is not yet heaven, + with electric lights and plush fittings, as the speakers professed to + believe. My listening mind went back to the politicians in the saloon, who + wasted no time in talking about freedom, but quietly made arrangements to + impose their will on the citizens. + </p> + <p> + “The judge is a great man, but give thy presents to the clerk,” as the + proverb saith. + </p> + <p> + And what more remains to tell? I cannot write connectedly, because I am in + love with all those girls aforesaid, and some others who do not appear in + the invoice. The typewriter is an institution of which the comic papers + make much capital, but she is vastly convenient. She and a companion rent + a room in a business quarter, and, aided by a typewriting machine, copy + MSS. at the rate of six annas a page. Only a woman can operate a + typewriting machine, because she has served apprenticeship to the sewing + machine. She can earn as much as one hundred dollars a month, and + professes to regard this form of bread-winning as her natural destiny. + But, oh! how she hates it in her heart of hearts! When I had got over the + surprise of doing business with and trying to give orders to a young woman + of coldly, clerkly aspect intrenched behind gold-rimmed spectacles, I made + inquiries concerning the pleasures of this independence. They liked it—indeed + they did. 'Twas the natural fate of almost all girls—the recognized + custom in America—and I was a barbarian not to see it in that light. + </p> + <p> + “Well, and after?” said I. “What happens?” + </p> + <p> + “We work for our bread.” + </p> + <p> + “And then what do you expect?” + </p> + <p> + “Then we shall work for our bread.” + </p> + <p> + “Till you die?” + </p> + <p> + “Ye-es—unless—” + </p> + <p> + “Unless what? This is your business, you know. A man works until he dies.” + </p> + <p> + “So shall we”—this without enthusiasm—“I suppose.” + </p> + <p> + Said the partner in the firm, audaciously:—“Sometimes we marry our + employees—at least, that's what the newspapers say.” + </p> + <p> + The hand banged on half a dozen of the keys of the machine at once. “Yet I + don't care. I hate it—I hate it—I hate it—and you + needn't look so!” + </p> + <p> + The senior partner was regarding the rebel with grave-eyed reproach. + </p> + <p> + “I thought you did,” said I. “I don't suppose American girls are much + different from English ones in instinct.” + </p> + <p> + “Isn't it Theophile Gautier who says that the only difference between + country and country lie in the slang and the uniform of the police?” + </p> + <p> + Now, in the name of all the gods at once, what is one to say to a young + lady (who in England would be a person) who earns her own bread, and very + naturally hates the employ, and slings out-of-the-way quotations at your + head? That one falls in love with her goes without saying, but that is not + enough. + </p> + <p> + A mission should be established. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + III. AMERICAN SALMON + </h2> + <p> + The race is neither to the swift nor the battle to the strong; but time + and chance cometh to all. + </p> + <p> + I HAVE lived! + </p> + <p> + The American Continent may now sink under the sea, for I have taken the + best that it yields, and the best was neither dollars, love, nor real + estate. + </p> + <p> + Hear now, gentlemen of the Punjab Fishing Club, who whip the reaches of + the Tavi, and you who painfully import trout over to Octamund, and I will + tell you how old man California and I went fishing, and you shall envy. + </p> + <p> + We returned from The Dalles to Portland by the way we had come, the + steamer stopping en route to pick up a night's catch of one of the salmon + wheels on the river, and to deliver it at a cannery downstream. + </p> + <p> + When the proprietor of the wheel announced that his take was two thousand + two hundred and thirty pounds weight of fish, “and not a heavy catch + neither,” I thought he lied. But he sent the boxes aboard, and I counted + the salmon by the hundred—huge fifty-pounders hardly dead, scores of + twenty and thirty pounders, and a host of smaller fish. They were all + Chenook salmon, as distinguished from the “steel head” and the “silver + side.” That is to say, they were royal salmon, and California and I + dropped a tear over them, as monarchs who deserved a better fate; but the + lust of slaughter entered into our souls, and we talked fish and forgot + the mountain scenery that had so moved us a day before. + </p> + <p> + The steamer halted at a rude wooden warehouse built on piles in a lonely + reach of the river, and sent in the fish. I followed them up a + scale-strewn, fishy incline that led to the cannery. The crazy building + was quivering with the machinery on its floors, and a glittering bank of + tin scraps twenty feet high showed where the waste was thrown after the + cans had been punched. + </p> + <p> + Only Chinamen were employed on the work, and they looked like + blood-besmeared yellow devils as they crossed the rifts of sunlight that + lay upon the floor. When our consignment arrived, the rough wooden boxes + broke of themselves as they were dumped down under a jet of water, and the + salmon burst out in a stream of quicksilver. A Chinaman jerked up a + twenty-pounder, beheaded and detailed it with two swift strokes of a + knife, flicked out its internal arrangements with a third, and case it + into a blood-dyed tank. The headless fish leaped from under his hands as + though they were facing a rapid. Other Chinamen pulled them from the vat + and thrust them under a thing like a chaff-cutter, which, descending, + hewed them into unseemly red gobbets fit for the can. + </p> + <p> + More Chinamen, with yellow, crooked fingers, jammed the stuff into the + cans, which slid down some marvellous machine forthwith, soldering their + own tops as they passed. Each can was hastily tested for flaws, and then + sunk with a hundred companions into a vat of boiling water, there to be + half cooked for a few minutes. The cans bulged slightly after the + operation, and were therefore slidden along by the trolleyful to men with + needles and soldering-irons who vented them and soldered the aperture. + Except for the label, the “Finest Columbia Salmon” was ready for the + market. I was impressed not so much with the speed of the manufacture as + the character of the factory. Inside, on a floor ninety by forty, the most + civilized and murderous of machinery. Outside, three footsteps, the + thick-growing pines and the immense solitude of the hills. Our steamer + only stayed twenty minutes at that place, but I counted two hundred and + forty finished cans made from the catch of the previous night ere I left + the slippery, blood-stained, scale-spangled, oily floors and the + offal-smeared Chinamen. + </p> + <p> + We reached Portland, California and I crying for salmon, and a real-estate + man, to whom we had been intrusted by an insurance man, met us in the + street, saying that fifteen miles away, across country, we should come + upon a place called Clackamas, where we might perchance find what we + desired. And California, his coat-tails flying in the wind, ran to a + livery-stable and chartered a wagon and team forthwith. I could push the + wagon about with one hand, so light was its structure. The team was purely + American—that is to say, almost human in its intelligence and + docility. Some one said that the roads were not good on the way to + Clackamas, and warned us against smashing the springs. “Portland,” who had + watched the preparations, finally reckoned “He'd come along, too;” and + under heavenly skies we three companions of a day set forth, California + carefully lashing our rods into the carriage, and the by-standers + overwhelming us with directions as to the saw-mills we were to pass, the + ferries we were to cross, and the sign-posts we were to seek signs from. + Half a mile from this city of fifty thousand souls we struck (and this + must be taken literally) a plank road that would have been a disgrace to + an Irish village. + </p> + <p> + Then six miles of macadamized road showed us that the team could move. A + railway ran between us and the banks of the Willamette, and another above + us through the mountains. All the land was dotted with small townships, + and the roads were full of farmers in their town wagons, bunches of + tow-haired, boggle-eyed urchins sitting in the hay behind. The men + generally looked like loafers, but their women were all well dressed. + </p> + <p> + Brown braiding on a tailor-made jacket does not, however, consort with + hay-wagons. Then we struck into the woods along what California called a + camina reale—a good road—and Portland a “fair track.” It wound + in and out among fire-blackened stumps under pine-trees, along the corners + of log fences, through hollows, which must be hopeless marsh in the + winter, and up absurd gradients. But nowhere throughout its length did I + see any evidence of road-making. There was a track—you couldn't well + get off it, and it was all you could do to stay on it. The dust lay a foot + thick in the blind ruts, and under the dust we found bits of planking and + bundles of brushwood that sent the wagon bounding into the air. The + journey in itself was a delight. Sometimes we crashed through bracken; + anon, where the blackberries grew rankest, we found a lonely little + cemetery, the wooden rails all awry and the pitiful, stumpy head-stones + nodding drunkenly at the soft green mullions. Then, with oaths and the + sound of rent underwood, a yoke of mighty bulls would swing down a “skid” + road, hauling a forty-foot log along a rudely made slide. + </p> + <p> + A valley full of wheat and cherry-trees succeeded, and halting at a house, + we bought ten-pound weight of luscious black cherries for something less + than a rupee, and got a drink of icy-cold water for nothing, while the + untended team browsed sagaciously by the road-side. Once we found a + way-side camp of horse-dealers lounging by a pool, ready for a sale or a + swap, and once two sun-tanned youngsters shot down a hill on Indian + ponies, their full creels banging from the high-pommelled saddle. They had + been fishing, and were our brethren, therefore. We shouted aloud in chorus + to scare a wild cat; we squabbled over the reasons that had led a snake to + cross a road; we heaved bits of bark at a venturesome chipmunk, who was + really the little gray squirrel of India, and had come to call on me; we + lost our way, and got the wagon so beautifully fixed on a khud-bound road + that we had to tie the two hind wheels to get it down. + </p> + <p> + Above all, California told tales of Nevada and Arizona, of lonely nights + spent out prospecting, the slaughter of deer and the chase of men, of + woman—lovely woman—who is a firebrand in a Western city and + leads to the popping of pistols, and of the sudden changes and chances of + Fortune, who delights in making the miner or the lumber-man a + quadruplicate millionaire and in “busting” the railroad king. + </p> + <p> + That was a day to be remembered, and it had only begun when we drew rein + at a tiny farm-house on the banks of the Clackamas and sought horse feed + and lodging, ere we hastened to the river that broke over a weir not a + quarter of a mile away. Imagine a stream seventy yards broad divided by a + pebbly island, running over seductive “riffles” and swirling into deep, + quiet pools, where the good salmon goes to smoke his pipe after meals. Get + such a stream amid fields of breast-high crops surrounded by hills of + pines, throw in where you please quiet water, long-fenced meadows, and a + hundred-foot bluff just to keep the scenery from growing too monotonous, + and you will get some faint notion of the Clackamas. The weir had been + erected to pen the Chenook salmon from going further up-stream. We could + see them, twenty or thirty pounds, by the score in the deep pools, or + flying madly against the weir and foolishly skinning their noses. They + were not our prey, for they would not rise at a fly, and we knew it. All + the same, when one made his leap against the weir, and landed on the + foot-plank with a jar that shook the board I was standing on, I would fain + have claimed him for my own capture. + </p> + <p> + Portland had no rod. He held the gaff and the whiskey. California sniffed + up-stream and down-stream, across the racing water, chose his ground, and + let the gaudy fly drop in the tail of a riffle. I was getting my rod + together, when I heard the joyous shriek of the reel and the yells of + California, and three feet of living silver leaped into the air far across + the water. The forces were engaged. + </p> + <p> + The salmon tore up-stream, the tense line cutting the water like a + tide-rip behind him, and the light bamboo bowed to breaking. What happened + thereafter I cannot tell. California swore and prayed, and Portland + shouted advice, and I did all three for what appeared to be half a day, + but was in reality a little over a quarter of an hour, and sullenly our + fish came home with spurts of temper, dashes head on and sarabands in the + air, but home to the bank came he, and the remorseless reel gathered up + the thread of his life inch by inch. We landed him in a little bay, and + the spring weight in his gorgeous gills checked at eleven and one half + pounds. Eleven and one half pounds of fighting salmon! We danced a + war-dance on the pebbles, and California caught me round the waist in a + hug that went near to breaking my ribs, while he shouted:—“Partner! + Partner! This is glory! Now you catch your fish! Twenty-four years I've + waited for this!” + </p> + <p> + I went into that icy-cold river and made my cast just above the weir, and + all but foul-hooked a blue-and-black water-snake with a coral mouth who + coiled herself on a stone and hissed male-dictions. + </p> + <p> + The next cast—ah, the pride of it, the regal splendor of it! the + thrill that ran down from finger-tip to toe! Then the water boiled. He + broke for the fly and got it. There remained enough sense in me to give + him all he wanted when he jumped not once, but twenty times, before the + up-stream flight that ran my line out to the last half-dozen turns, and I + saw the nickelled reel-bar glitter under the thinning green coils. My + thumb was burned deep when I strove to stopper the line. + </p> + <p> + I did not feel it till later, for my soul was out in the dancing weir, + praying for him to turn ere he took my tackle away. And the prayer was + heard. As I bowed back, the butt of the rod on my left hip-bone and the + top joint dipping like unto a weeping willow, he turned and accepted each + inch of slack that I could by any means get in as a favor from on high. + There lie several sorts of success in this world that taste well in the + moment of enjoyment, but I question whether the stealthy theft of line + from an able-bodied salmon who knows exactly what you are doing and why + you are doing it is not sweeter than any other victory within human scope. + Like California's fish, he ran at me head on, and leaped against the line, + but the Lord gave me two hundred and fifty pairs of fingers in that hour. + The banks and the pine-trees danced dizzily round me, but I only reeled—reeled + as for life—reeled for hours, and at the end of the reeling + continued to give him the butt while he sulked in a pool. California was + further up the reach, and with the corner of my eye I could see him + casting with long casts and much skill. Then he struck, and my fish broke + for the weir in the same instant, and down the reach we came, California + and I, reel answering reel even as the morning stars sing together. + </p> + <p> + The first wild enthusiasm of capture had died away. We were both at work + now in deadly earnest to prevent the lines fouling, to stall off a + down-stream rush for shaggy water just above the weir, and at the same + time to get the fish into the shallow bay down-stream that gave the best + practicable landing. Portland bid us both be of good heart, and + volunteered to take the rod from my hands. + </p> + <p> + I would rather have died among the pebbles than surrender my right to play + and land a salmon, weight unknown, with an eight-ounce rod. I heard + California, at my ear, it seemed, gasping: “He's a fighter from + Fightersville, sure!” as his fish made a fresh break across the stream. I + saw Portland fall off a log fence, break the overhanging bank, and clatter + down to the pebbles, all sand and landing-net, and I dropped on a log to + rest for a moment. As I drew breath the weary hands slackened their hold, + and I forgot to give him the butt. + </p> + <p> + A wild scutter in the water, a plunge, and a break for the head-waters of + the Clackamas was my reward, and the weary toil of reeling in with one eye + under the water and the other on the top joint of the rod was renewed. + Worst of all, I was blocking California's path to the little landing bay + aforesaid, and he had to halt and tire his prize where he was. + </p> + <p> + “The father of all the salmon!” he shouted. “For the love of Heaven, get + your trout to bank, Johnny Bull!” + </p> + <p> + But I could do no more. Even the insult failed to move me. The rest of the + game was with the salmon. He suffered himself to be drawn, skip-ping with + pretended delight at getting to the haven where I would fain bring him. + Yet no sooner did he feel shoal water under his ponderous belly than he + backed like a torpedo-boat, and the snarl of the reel told me that my + labor was in vain. A dozen times, at least, this happened ere the line + hinted he had given up the battle and would be towed in. He was towed. The + landing-net was useless for one of his size, and I would not have him + gaffed. I stepped into the shallows and heaved him out with a respectful + hand under the gill, for which kindness he battered me about the legs with + his tail, and I felt the strength of him and was proud. California had + taken my place in the shallows, his fish hard held. I was up the bank + lying full length on the sweet-scented grass and gasping in company with + my first salmon caught, played and landed on an eight-ounce rod. My hands + were cut and bleeding, I was dripping with sweat, spangled like a + harlequin with scales, water from my waist down, nose peeled by the sun, + but utterly, supremely, and consummately happy. + </p> + <p> + The beauty, the darling, the daisy, my Salmon Bahadur, weighed twelve + pounds, and I had been seven-and-thirty minutes bringing him to bank! He + had been lightly hooked on the angle of the right jaw, and the hook had + not wearied him. That hour I sat among princes and crowned heads greater + than them all. Below the bank we heard California scuffling with his + salmon and swearing Spanish oaths. Portland and I assisted at the capture, + and the fish dragged the spring balance out by the roots. It was only + constructed to weigh up to fifteen pounds. We stretched the three fish on + the grass—the eleven and a half, the twelve and fifteen pounder—and + we gave an oath that all who came after should merely be weighed and put + back again. + </p> + <p> + How shall I tell the glories of that day so that you may be interested? + Again and again did California and I prance down that reach to the little + bay, each with a salmon in tow, and land him in the shallows. Then + Portland took my rod and caught some ten-pounders, and my spoon was + carried away by an unknown leviathan. Each fish, for the merits of the + three that had died so gamely, was hastily hooked on the balance and flung + back. Portland recorded the weight in a pocket-book, for he was a + real-estate man. Each fish fought for all he was worth, and none more + savagely than the smallest, a game little six-pounder. At the end of six + hours we added up the list. Read it. Total: Sixteen fish; aggregate + weight, one hundred and forty pounds. The score in detail runs something + like this—it is only interesting to those concerned: fifteen, eleven + and a half, twelve, ten, nine and three quarters, eight, and so forth; as + I have said, nothing under six pounds, and three ten-pounders. + </p> + <p> + Very solemnly and thankfully we put up our rods—it was glory enough + for all time—and returned weeping in each other's arms, weeping + tears of pure joy, to that simple, bare-legged family in the packing-case + house by the water-side. + </p> + <p> + The old farmer recollected days and nights of fierce warfare with the + Indians “way back in the fifties,” when every ripple of the Columbia River + and her tributaries hid covert danger. God had dowered him with a queer, + crooked gift of expression and a fierce anxiety for the welfare of his two + little sons—tanned and reserved children, who attended school daily + and spoke good English in a strange tongue. + </p> + <p> + His wife was an austere woman, who had once been kindly, and perhaps + handsome. + </p> + <p> + Very many years of toil had taken the elasticity out of step and voice. + She looked for nothing better than everlasting work—the chafing + detail of housework—and then a grave somewhere up the hill among the + blackberries and the pines. + </p> + <p> + But in her grim way she sympathized with her eldest daughter, a small and + silent maiden of eighteen, who had thoughts very far from the meals she + tended and the pans she scoured. + </p> + <p> + We stumbled into the household at a crisis, and there was a deal of + downright humanity in that same. A bad, wicked dress-maker had promised + the maiden a dress in time for a to-morrow's rail-way journey, and though + the barefooted Georgy, who stood in very wholesome awe of his sister, had + scoured the woods on a pony in search, that dress never arrived. So, with + sorrow in her heart and a hundred Sister-Anne glances up the road, she + waited upon the strangers and, I doubt not, cursed them for the wants that + stood between her and her need for tears. It was a genuine little tragedy. + The mother, in a heavy, passionless voice, rebuked her impatience, yet sat + up far into the night, bowed over a heap of sewing for the daughter's + benefit. + </p> + <p> + These things I beheld in the long marigold-scented twilight and whispering + night, loafing round the little house with California, who un-folded + himself like a lotus to the moon, or in the little boarded bunk that was + our bedroom, swap-ping tales with Portland and the old man. + </p> + <p> + Most of the yarns began in this way:—“Red Larry was a bull-puncher + back of Lone County, Montana,” or “There was a man riding the trail met a + jack-rabbit sitting in a cactus,” or “'Bout the time of the San Diego land + boom, a woman from Monterey,” etc. + </p> + <p> + You can try to piece out for yourselves what sort of stories they were. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + IV. THE YELLOWSTONE + </h2> + <p> + ONCE upon a time there was a carter who brought his team and a friend into + the Yellowstone Park without due thought. Presently they came upon a few + of the natural beauties of the place, and that carter turned his team into + his friend's team, howling:—“Get out o' this, Jim. All hell's alight + under our noses!” + </p> + <p> + And they called the place Hell's Half-Acre to this day to witness if the + carter lied. + </p> + <p> + We, too, the old lady from Chicago, her husband, Tom, and the good little + mares, came to Hell's Half-Acre, which is about sixty acres in extent, and + when Tom said:—“Would you like to drive over it?” + </p> + <p> + We said:—“Certainly not, and if you do we shall report you to the + park authorities.” + </p> + <p> + There was a plain, blistered, peeled, and abominable, and it was given + over to the sportings and spoutings of devils who threw mud, and steam, + and dirt at each other with whoops, and halloos, and bellowing curses. + </p> + <p> + The places smelled of the refuse of the pit, and that odor mixed with the + clean, wholesome aroma of the pines in our nostrils throughout the day. + </p> + <p> + This Yellowstone Park is laid out like Ollendorf, in exercises of + progressive difficulty. Hell's Half-Acre was a prelude to ten or twelve + miles of geyser formation. + </p> + <p> + We passed hot streams boiling in the forest; saw whiffs of steam beyond + these, and yet other whiffs breaking through the misty green hills in the + far distance; we trampled on sulphur in crystals, and sniffed things much + worse than any sulphur which is known to the upper world; and so + journeying, bewildered with the novelty, came upon a really park-like + place where Tom suggested we should get out and play with the geysers on + foot. + </p> + <p> + Imagine mighty green fields splattered with lime-beds, all the flowers of + the summer growing up to the very edge of the lime. That was our first + glimpse of the geyser basins. + </p> + <p> + The buggy had pulled up close to a rough, broken, blistered cone of + spelter stuff between ten and twenty feet high. There was trouble in that + place—moaning, splashing, gurgling, and the clank of machinery. A + spurt of boiling water jumped into the air, and a wash of water followed. + </p> + <p> + I removed swiftly. The old lady from Chicago shrieked. “What a wicked + waste!” said her husband. + </p> + <p> + I think they call it the Riverside Geyser. Its spout was torn and ragged + like the mouth of a gun when a shell has burst there. It grumbled madly + for a moment or two, and then was still. I crept over the steaming lime—it + was the burning marl on which Satan lay—and looked fearfully down + its mouth. You should never look a gift geyser in the mouth. + </p> + <p> + I beheld a horrible, slippery, slimy funnel with water rising and falling + ten feet at a time. Then the water rose to lip level with a rush, and an + infernal bubbling troubled this Devil's Bethesda before the sullen heave + of the crest of a wave lapped over the edge and made me run. + </p> + <p> + Mark the nature of the human soul! I had begun with awe, not to say + terror, for this was my first experience of such things. I stepped back + from the banks of the Riverside Geyser, saying:—“Pooh! Is that all + it can do?” + </p> + <p> + Yet for aught I knew, the whole thing might have blown up at a minute's + notice, she, he, or it being an arrangement of uncertain temper. + </p> + <p> + We drifted on, up that miraculous valley. On either side of us were hills + from a thousand or fifteen hundred feet high, wooded from crest to heel. + As far as the eye could range forward were columns of steam in the air, + misshapen lumps of lime, mist-like preadamite monsters, still pools of + turquoise-blue stretches of blue corn-flowers, a river that coiled on + itself twenty times, pointed bowlders of strange colors, and ridges of + glaring, staring white. + </p> + <p> + A moon-faced trooper of German extraction—never was park so + carefully patrolled—came up to inform us that as yet we had not seen + any of the real geysers; that they were all a mile or so up the valley, + and tastefully scattered round the hotel in which we would rest for the + night. + </p> + <p> + America is a free country, but the citizens look down on the soldier. I + had to entertain that trooper. The old lady from Chicago would have none + of him; so we loafed alone together, now across half-rotten pine logs sunk + in swampy ground, anon over the ringing geyser formation, then pounding + through river-sand or brushing knee-deep through long grass. + </p> + <p> + “And why did you enlist?” said I. + </p> + <p> + The moon-faced one's face began to work. I thought he would have a fit, + but he told me a story instead—such a nice tale of a naughty little + girl who wrote pretty love letters to two men at once. She was a simple + village wife, but a wicked “family novelette” countess couldn't have + accomplished her ends better. She drove one man nearly wild with the + pretty little treachery, and the other man abandoned her and came West to + forget the trickery. + </p> + <p> + Moon-face was that man. + </p> + <p> + We rounded and limped over a low spur of hill, and came out upon a field + of aching, snowy lime rolled in sheets, twisted into knots, riven with + rents, and diamonds, and stars, stretching for more than half a mile in + every direction. + </p> + <p> + On this place of despair lay most of the big, bad geysers who know when + there is trouble in Krakatoa, who tell the pines when there is a cyclone + on the Atlantic seaboard, and who are exhibited to visitors under pretty + and fanciful names. + </p> + <p> + The first mound that I encountered belonged to a goblin who was splashing + in his tub. + </p> + <p> + I heard him kick, pull a shower-bath on his shoulders, gasp, crack his + joints, and rub himself down with a towel; then he let the water out of + the bath, as a thoughtful man should, and it all sunk down out of sight + till another goblin arrived. + </p> + <p> + So we looked and we wondered at the Beehive, whose mouth is built up + exactly like a hive, at the Turban (which is not in the least like a + turban), and at many, many other geysers, hot holes, and springs. Some of + them rumbled, some hissed, some went off spasmodically, and others lay + dead still in sheets of sapphire and beryl. + </p> + <p> + Would you believe that even these terrible creatures have to be guarded by + the troopers to prevent the irreverent Americans from chipping the cones + to pieces, or, worse still, making the geyser sick? If you take a small + barrel full of soft-soap and drop it down a geyser's mouth, that geyser + will presently be forced to lay all before you, and for days afterward + will be of an irritated and inconstant stomach. + </p> + <p> + When they told me the tale I was filled with sympathy. Now I wish that I + had soft-soap and tried the experiment on some lonely little beast far + away in the woods. It sounds so probable and so human. + </p> + <p> + Yet he would be a bold man who would administer emetics to the Giantess. + She is flat-lipped, having no mouth; she looks like a pool, fifty feet + long and thirty wide, and there is no ornamentation about her. At + irregular intervals she speaks and sends up a volume of water over two + hundred feet high to begin with, then she is angry for a day and a half—sometimes + for two days. + </p> + <p> + Owing to her peculiarity of going mad in the night, not many people have + seen the Giantess at her finest; but the clamor of her unrest, men say, + shakes the wooden hotel, and echoes like thunder among the hills. + </p> + <p> + The congregation returned to the hotel to put down their impressions in + diaries and note-books, which they wrote up ostentatiously in the + verandas. It was a sweltering hot day, albeit we stood some-what higher + than the level of Simla, and I left that raw pine creaking caravansary for + the cool shade of a clump of pines between whose trunks glimmered tents. + </p> + <p> + A batch of United States troopers came down the road and flung themselves + across the country into their rough lines. The Mexican cavalryman can + ride, though he keeps his accoutrements pig-fashion and his horse + cow-fashion. + </p> + <p> + I was free of that camp in five minutes—free to play with the heavy, + lumpy carbines, have the saddles stripped, and punch the horses knowingly + in the ribs. One of the men had been in the fight with “Wrap-up-his-Tail,” + and he told me how that great chief, his horse's tail tied up in red + calico, swaggered in front of the United States cavalry, challenging all + to single combat. But he was slain, and a few of his tribe with him. + </p> + <p> + “There's no use in an Indian, anyway,” concluded my friend. + </p> + <p> + A couple of cow-boys—real cow-boys—jingled through the camp + amid a shower of mild chaff. They were on their way to Cook City, I fancy, + and I know that they never washed. But they were picturesque ruffians + exceedingly, with long spurs, hooded stirrups, slouch hats, fur + weather-cloth over their knees, and pistol-butts just easy to hand. + </p> + <p> + “The cow-boy's goin' under before long,” said my friend. “Soon as the + country's settled up he'll have to go. But he's mighty useful now. What + would we do without the cow-boy?” + </p> + <p> + “As how?” said I, and the camp laughed. + </p> + <p> + “He has the money. We have the skill. He comes in winter to play poker at + the military posts. We play poker—a few. When he's lost his money we + make him drunk and let him go. Sometimes we get the wrong man.” + </p> + <p> + And he told me a tale of an innocent cow-boy who turned up, cleaned out, + at an army post, and played poker for thirty-six hours. But it was the + post that was cleaned out when that long-haired Caucasian removed himself, + heavy with everybody's pay and declining the proffered liquor. + </p> + <p> + “Noaw,” said the historian, “I don't play with no cow-boy unless he's a + little bit drunk first.” + </p> + <p> + Ere I departed I gathered from more than one man the significant fact that + up to one hundred yards he felt absolutely secure behind his revolver. + </p> + <p> + “In England, I understand,” quoth the limber youth from the South,—“in + England a man isn't allowed to play with no fire-arms. He's got to be + taught all that when he enlists. I didn't want much teaching how to shoot + straight 'fore I served Uncle Sam. And that's just where it is. But you + was talking about your Horse Guards now?” + </p> + <p> + I explained briefly some peculiarities of equipment connected with our + crackest crack cavalry. I grieve to say the camp roared. + </p> + <p> + “Take 'em over swampy ground. Let 'em run around a bit an' work the starch + out of 'em, an' then, Almighty, if we wouldn't plug 'em at ease I'd eat + their horses.” + </p> + <p> + There was a maiden—a very little maiden—who had just stepped + out of one of James's novels. She owned a delightful mother and an equally + delightful father—a heavy-eyed, slow-voiced man of finance. The + parents thought that their daughter wanted change. + </p> + <p> + She lived in New Hampshire. Accordingly, she had dragged them up to Alaska + and to the Yosemite Valley, and was now returning leisurely, via the + Yellowstone, just in time for the tail-end of the summer season at + Saratoga. + </p> + <p> + We had met once or twice before in the park, and I had been amazed and + amused at her critical commendation of the wonders that she saw. From that + very resolute little mouth I received a lecture on American literature, + the nature and inwardness of Washington society, the precise value of + Cable's works as compared with Uncle Remus Harris, and a few other things + that had nothing whatever to do with geysers, but were altogether + pleasant. + </p> + <p> + Now, an English maiden who had stumbled on a dust-grimed, lime-washed, + sun-peeled, collarless wanderer come from and going to goodness knows + where, would, her mother inciting her and her father brandishing an + umbrella, have regarded him as a dissolute adventurer—a person to be + disregarded. + </p> + <p> + Not so those delightful people from New Hampshire. They were good enough + to treat him—it sounds almost incredible—as a human being, + possibly respectable, probably not in immediate need of financial + assistance. + </p> + <p> + Papa talked pleasantly and to the point. + </p> + <p> + The little maiden strove valiantly with the accent of her birth and that + of her rearing, and mamma smiled benignly in the background. + </p> + <p> + Balance this with a story of a young English idiot I met mooning about + inside his high collar, attended by a valet. He condescended to tell me + that “you can't be too careful who you talk to in these parts.” And + stalked on, fearing, I suppose, every minute for his social chastity. + </p> + <p> + That man was a barbarian (I took occasion to tell him so), for he + comported himself after the manner of the head-hunters and hunted of Assam + who are at perpetual feud one with another. + </p> + <p> + You will understand that these foolish stories are introduced in order to + cover the fact that this pen cannot describe the glories of the Upper + Geyser Basin. The evening I spent under the lee of the Castle Geyser, + sitting on a log with some troopers and watching a baronial keep forty + feet high spouting hot water. If the Castle went off first, they said the + Giantess would be quiet, and vice versa, and then they told tales till the + moon got up and a party of campers in the woods gave us all something to + eat. + </p> + <p> + Then came soft, turfy forest that deadened the wheels, and two troopers on + detachment duty stole noiselessly behind us. One was the Wrap-up-his-Tail + man, and they talked merrily while the half-broken horses bucked about + among the trees. And so a cavalry escort was with us for a mile, till we + got to a mighty hill strewn with moss agates, and everybody had to jump + out and pant in that thin air. But how intoxicating it was! The old lady + from Chicago ducked like an emancipated hen as she scuttled about the + road, cramming pieces of rock into her reticule. She sent me fifty yards + down to the hill-side to pick up a piece of broken bottle which she + insisted was moss agate. + </p> + <p> + “I've some o' that at home, an' they shine. Yes, you go get it, young + man.” + </p> + <p> + As we climbed the long path the road grew viler and viler till it became, + without disguise, the bed of a torrent; and just when things were at their + rockiest we nearly fell into a little sapphire lake—but never + sapphire was so blue—called Mary's Lake; and that between eight and + nine thousand feet above the sea. + </p> + <p> + Afterward, grass downs, all on a vehement slope, so that the buggy, + following the new-made road, ran on the two off-wheels mostly till we + dipped head-first into a ford, climbed up a cliff, raced along down, + dipped again, and pulled up dishevelled at “Larry's” for lunch and an + hour's rest. + </p> + <p> + Then we lay on the grass and laughed with sheer bliss of being alive. This + have I known once in Japan, once on the banks of the Columbia, what time + the salmon came in and California howled, and once again in the + Yellowstone by the light of the eyes of the maiden from New Hampshire. + Four little pools lay at my elbow, one was of black water (tepid), one + clear water (cold), one clear water (hot), one red water (boiling). My + newly washed handkerchief covered them all, and we two marvelled as + children marvel. + </p> + <p> + “This evening we shall do the Grand Canyon of the Yellowstone,” said the + maiden. + </p> + <p> + “Together?” said I; and she said, “Yes.” + </p> + <p> + The sun was beginning to sink when we heard the roar of falling waters and + came to a broad river along whose banks we ran. And then—I might at + a pinch describe the infernal regions, but not the other place. The + Yellowstone River has occasion to run through a gorge about eight miles + long. To get to the bottom of the gorge it makes two leaps, one of about + one hundred and twenty and the other of three hundred feet. I investigated + the upper or lesser fall, which is close to the hotel. + </p> + <p> + Up to that time nothing particular happens to the Yellowstone—its + banks being only rocky, rather steep, and plentifully adorned with pines. + </p> + <p> + At the falls it comes round a corner, green, solid, ribbed with a little + foam, and not more than thirty yards wide. Then it goes over, still green, + and rather more solid than before. After a minute or two, you, sitting + upon a rock directly above the drop, begin to understand that something + has occurred; that the river has jumped between solid cliff walls, and + that the gentle froth of water lapping the sides of the gorge below is + really the outcome of great waves. + </p> + <p> + And the river yells aloud; but the cliffs do not allow the yells to + escape. + </p> + <p> + That inspection began with curiosity and finished in terror, for it seemed + that the whole world was sliding in chrysolite from under my feet. I + followed with the others round the corner to arrive at the brink of the + canyon. We had to climb up a nearly perpendicular ascent to begin with, + for the ground rises more than the river drops. Stately pine woods fringe + either lip of the gorge, which is the gorge of the Yellowstone. You'll + find all about it in the guide books. + </p> + <p> + All that I can say is that without warning or preparation I looked into a + gulf seventeen hundred feet deep, with eagles and fish-hawks circling far + below. And the sides of that gulf were one wild welter of color—crimson, + emerald, cobalt, ochre, amber, honey splashed with port wine, snow white, + vermilion, lemon, and silver gray in wide washes. The sides did not fall + sheer, but were graven by time, and water, and air into monstrous heads of + kings, dead chiefs—men and women of the old time. So far below that + no sound of its strife could reach us, the Yellowstone River ran a + finger-wide strip of jade green. + </p> + <p> + The sunlight took those wondrous walls and gave fresh hues to those that + nature had already laid there. + </p> + <p> + Evening crept through the pines that shadowed us, but the full glory of + the day flamed in that canyon as we went out very cautiously to a jutting + piece of rock—blood-red or pink it was—that overhung the + deepest deeps of all. + </p> + <p> + Now I know what it is to sit enthroned amid the clouds of sunset as the + spirits sit in Blake's pictures. Giddiness took away all sensation of + touch or form, but the sense of blinding color remained. + </p> + <p> + When I reached the mainland again I had sworn that I had been floating. + </p> + <p> + The maid from New Hampshire said no word for a very long time. Then she + quoted poetry, which was perhaps the best thing she could have done. + </p> + <p> + “And to think that this show-place has been going on all these days an' + none of we ever saw it,” said the old lady from Chicago, with an acid + glance at her husband. + </p> + <p> + “No, only the Injians,” said he, unmoved; and the maiden and I laughed. + </p> + <p> + Inspiration is fleeting, beauty is vain, and the power of the mind for + wonder limited. Though the shining hosts themselves had risen choiring + from the bottom of the gorge, they would not have prevented her papa and + one baser than he from rolling stones down those stupendous rainbow-washed + slides. Seventeen hundred feet of steep-est pitch and rather more than + seventeen hundred colors for log or bowlder to whirl through! + </p> + <p> + So we heaved things and saw them gather way and bound from white rock to + red or yellow, dragging behind them torrents of color, till the noise of + their descent ceased and they bounded a hundred yards clear at the last + into the Yellowstone. + </p> + <p> + “I've been down there,” said Tom, that evening. “It's easy to get down if + you're careful—just sit an' slide; but getting up is worse. An' I + found down below there two stones just marked with a picture of the + canyon. I wouldn't sell these rocks not for fifteen dollars.” + </p> + <p> + And papa and I crawled down to the Yellowstone—just above the first + little fall—to wet a line for good luck. The round moon came up and + turned the cliffs and pines into silver; and a two-pound trout came up + also, and we slew him among the rocks, nearly tumbling into that wild + river. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + . . . . . . +</pre> + <p> + Then out and away to Livingstone once more. The maiden from New Hampshire + disappeared, papa and mamma with her. Disappeared, too, the old lady from + Chicago, and the others. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + V. CHICAGO + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “I know thy cunning and thy greed, + Thy hard high lust and wilful deed, + And all thy glory loves to tell + Of specious gifts material.” + </pre> + <p> + I HAVE struck a city—a real city—and they call it Chicago. + </p> + <p> + The other places do not count. San Francisco was a pleasure-resort as well + as a city, and Salt Lake was a phenomenon. + </p> + <p> + This place is the first American city I have encountered. It holds rather + more than a million of people with bodies, and stands on the same sort of + soil as Calcutta. Having seen it, I urgently desire never to see it again. + It is inhabited by savages. Its water is the water of the Hooghly, and its + air is dirt. Also it says that it is the “boss” town of America. + </p> + <p> + I do not believe that it has anything to do with this country. They told + me to go to the Palmer House, which is overmuch gilded and mirrored, and + there I found a huge hall of tessellated marble crammed with people + talking about money, and spitting about everywhere. Other barbarians + charged in and out of this inferno with letters and telegrams in their + hands, and yet others shouted at each other. A man who had drunk quite as + much as was good for him told me that this was “the finest hotel in the + finest city on God Almighty's earth.” By the way, when an American wishes + to indicate the next country or state, he says, “God A'mighty's earth.” + This prevents discussion and flatters his vanity. + </p> + <p> + Then I went out into the streets, which are long and flat and without end. + And verily it is not a good thing to live in the East for any length of + time. Your ideas grow to clash with those held by every right-thinking + man. I looked down interminable vistas flanked with nine, ten, and + fifteen-storied houses, and crowded with men and women, and the show + impressed me with a great horror. + </p> + <p> + Except in London—and I have forgotten what London was like—I + had never seen so many white people together, and never such a collection + of miserables. There was no color in the street and no beauty—only a + maze of wire ropes overhead and dirty stone flagging under foot. + </p> + <p> + A cab-driver volunteered to show me the glory of the town for so much an + hour, and with him I wandered far. He conceived that all this turmoil and + squash was a thing to be reverently admired, that it was good to huddle + men together in fifteen layers, one atop of the other, and to dig holes in + the ground for offices. + </p> + <p> + He said that Chicago was a live town, and that all the creatures hurrying + by me were engaged in business. That is to say they were trying to make + some money that they might not die through lack of food to put into their + bellies. He took me to canals as black as ink, and filled with un-told + abominations, and bid me watch the stream of traffic across the bridges. + </p> + <p> + He then took me into a saloon, and while I drank made me note that the + floor was covered with coins sunk in cement. A Hottentot would not have + been guilty of this sort of barbarism. The coins made an effect pretty + enough, but the man who put them there had no thought of beauty, and, + therefore, he was a savage. + </p> + <p> + Then my cab-driver showed me business blocks gay with signs and studded + with fantastic and absurd advertisements of goods, and looking down the + long street so adorned, it was as though each vender stood at his door + howling:—“For the sake of my money, employ or buy of me, and me + only!” + </p> + <p> + Have you ever seen a crowd at a famine-relief distribution? You know then + how the men leap into the air, stretching out their arms above the crowd + in the hope of being seen, while the women dolorously slap the stomachs of + their children and whimper. I had sooner watch famine relief than the + white man engaged in what he calls legitimate competition. The one I + understand. The other makes me ill. + </p> + <p> + And the cabman said that these things were the proof of progress, and by + that I knew he had been reading his newspaper, as every intelligent + American should. The papers tell their clientele in language fitted to + their comprehension that the snarling together of telegraph-wires, the + heaving up of houses, and the making of money is progress. + </p> + <p> + I spent ten hours in that huge wilderness, wandering through scores of + miles of these terrible streets and jostling some few hundred thousand of + these terrible people who talked paisa bat through their noses. + </p> + <p> + The cabman left me; but after awhile I picked up another man, who was full + of figures, and into my ears he poured them as occasion required or the + big blank factories suggested. Here they turned out so many hundred + thousand dollars' worth of such and such an article; there so many million + other things; this house was worth so many million dollars; that one so + many million, more or less. It was like listening to a child babbling of + its hoard of shells. It was like watching a fool playing with buttons. But + I was expected to do more than listen or watch. He demanded that I should + admire; and the utmost that I could say was:—“Are these things so? + Then I am very sorry for you.” + </p> + <p> + That made him angry, and he said that insular envy made me unresponsive. + So, you see, I could not make him understand. + </p> + <p> + About four and a half hours after Adam was turned out of the Garden of + Eden he felt hungry, and so, bidding Eve take care that her head was not + broken by the descending fruit, shinned up a cocoanut-palm. That hurt his + legs, cut his breast, and made him breathe heavily, and Eve was tormented + with fear lest her lord should miss his footing, and so bring the tragedy + of this world to an end ere the curtain had fairly risen. Had I met Adam + then, I should have been sorry for him. To-day I find eleven hundred + thousand of his sons just as far advanced as their father in the art of + getting food, and immeasurably inferior to him in that they think that + their palm-trees lead straight to the skies. Consequently, I am sorry in + rather more than a million different ways. + </p> + <p> + In the East bread comes naturally, even to the poorest, by a little + scratching or the gift of a friend not quite so poor. In less favored + countries one is apt to forget. Then I went to bed. And that was on a + Saturday night. + </p> + <p> + Sunday brought me the queerest experiences of all—a revelation of + barbarism complete. I found a place that was officially described as a + church. It was a circus really, but that the worshippers did not know. + There were flowers all about the building, which was fitted up with plush + and stained oak and much luxury, including twisted brass candlesticks of + severest Gothic design. + </p> + <p> + To these things and a congregation of savages entered suddenly a wonderful + man, completely in the confidence of their God, whom he treated + colloquially and exploited very much as a newspaper reporter would exploit + a foreign potentate. But, unlike the newspaper reporter, he never allowed + his listeners to forget that he, and not He, was the centre of attraction. + With a voice of silver and with imagery borrowed from the auction-room, he + built up for his hearers a heaven on the lines of the Palmer House (but + with all the gilding real gold, and all the plate-glass diamond), and set + in the centre of it a loud-voiced, argumentative, very shrewd creation + that he called God. One sentence at this point caught my delighted ear. It + was apropos of some question of the Judgment, and ran:—“No! I tell + you God doesn't do business that way.” + </p> + <p> + He was giving them a deity whom they could comprehend, and a gold and + jewelled heaven in which they could take a natural interest. He + interlarded his performance with the slang of the streets, the counter, + and the exchange, and he said that religion ought to enter into daily + life. Consequently, I presume he introduced it as daily life—his own + and the life of his friends. + </p> + <p> + Then I escaped before the blessing, desiring no benediction at such hands. + But the persons who listened seemed to enjoy themselves, and I understood + that I had met with a popular preacher. + </p> + <p> + Later on, when I had perused the sermons of a gentleman called Talmage and + some others, I perceived that I had been listening to a very mild + specimen. Yet that man, with his brutal gold and silver idols, his + hands-in-pocket, cigar-in-mouth, and hat-on-the-back-of-the-head style of + dealing with the sacred vessels, would count himself, spiritually, quite + competent to send a mission to convert the Indians. + </p> + <p> + All that Sunday I listened to people who said that the mere fact of + spiking down strips of iron to wood, and getting a steam and iron thing to + run along them was progress, that the telephone was progress, and the + net-work of wires overhead was progress. They repeated their statements + again and again. + </p> + <p> + One of them took me to their City Hall and Board of Trade works, and + pointed it out with pride. It was very ugly, but very big, and the streets + in front of it were narrow and unclean. When I saw the faces of the men + who did business in that building, I felt that there had been a mistake in + their billeting. + </p> + <p> + By the way, 'tis a consolation to feel that I am not writing to an English + audience. Then I should have to fall into feigned ecstasies over the + marvellous progress of Chicago since the days of the great fire, to allude + casually to the raising of the entire city so many feet above the level of + the lake which it faces, and generally to grovel before the golden calf. + But you, who are desperately poor, and therefore by these standards of no + ac-count, know things, will understand when I write that they have managed + to get a million of men together on flat land, and that the bulk of these + men together appear to be lower than Mahajans and not so companionable as + a Punjabi Jat after harvest. + </p> + <p> + But I don't think it was the blind hurry of the people, their argot, and + their grand ignorance of things beyond their immediate interests that + displeased me so much as a study of the daily papers of Chicago. + </p> + <p> + Imprimis, there was some sort of a dispute between New York and Chicago as + to which town should give an exhibition of products to be hereafter + holden, and through the medium of their more dignified journals the two + cities were yahooing and hi-yi-ing at each other like opposition newsboys. + They called it humor, but it sounded like something quite different. + </p> + <p> + That was only the first trouble. The second lay in the tone of the + productions. Leading articles which include gems such as “Back of such and + such a place,” or, “We noticed, Tuesday, such an event,” or, “don't” for + “does not,” are things to be accepted with thankfulness. All that made me + want to cry was that in these papers were faithfully reproduced all the + war-cries and “back-talk” of the Palmer House bar, the slang of the + barber-shops, the mental elevation and integrity of the Pullman car + porter, the dignity of the dime museum, and the accuracy of the excited + fish-wife. I am sternly forbidden to believe that the paper educates the + public. Then I am compelled to believe that the public educate the paper; + yet suicides on the press are rare. + </p> + <p> + Just when the sense of unreality and oppression was strongest upon me, and + when I most wanted help, a man sat at my side and began to talk what he + called politics. + </p> + <p> + I had chanced to pay about six shillings for a travelling-cap worth + eighteen-pence, and he made of the fact a text for a sermon. He said that + this was a rich country, and that the people liked to pay two hundred per + cent, on the value of a thing. They could afford it. He said that the + government imposed a protective duty of from ten to seventy per cent on + foreign-made articles, and that the American manufacturer consequently + could sell his goods for a healthy sum. Thus an imported hat would, with + duty, cost two guineas. The American manufacturer would make a hat for + seventeen shillings, and sell it for one pound fifteen. In these things, + he said, lay the greatness of America and the effeteness of England. + Competition between factory and factory kept the prices down to decent + limits, but I was never to forget that this people were a rich people, not + like the pauper Continentals, and that they enjoyed paying duties. + </p> + <p> + To my weak intellect this seemed rather like juggling with counters. + Everything that I have yet purchased costs about twice as much as it would + in England, and when native made is of inferior quality. + </p> + <p> + Moreover, since these lines were first thought of, I have visited a + gentleman who owned a factory which used to produce things. He owned the + factory still. Not a man was in it, but he was drawing a handsome income + from a syndicate of firms for keeping it closed, in order that it might + not produce things. This man said that if protection were abandoned, a + tide of pauper labor would flood the country, and as I looked at his + factory I thought how entirely better it was to have no labor of any kind + whatever rather than face so horrible a future. + </p> + <p> + Meantime, do you remember that this peculiar country enjoys paying money + for value not received? I am an alien, and for the life of me I cannot see + why six shillings should be paid for eighteen-penny caps, or eight + shillings for half-crown cigar-cases. When the country fills up to a + decently populated level a few million people who are not aliens will be + smitten with the same sort of blindness. + </p> + <p> + But my friend's assertion somehow thoroughly suited the grotesque ferocity + of Chicago. + </p> + <p> + See now and judge! In the village of Isser Jang, on the road to + Montgomery, there be four Changar women who winnow corn—some seventy + bushels a year. Beyond their hut lives Purun Dass, the money-lender, who + on good security lends as much as five thousand rupees in a year. Jowala + Singh, the smith, mends the village plows—some thirty, broken at the + share, in three hundred and sixty-five days; and Hukm Chund, who is + letter-writer and head of the little club under the travellers' tree, + generally keeps the village posted in such gossip as the barber and the + mid-wife have not yet made public property. + </p> + <p> + Chicago husks and winnows her wheat by the million bushels, a hundred + banks lend hundreds of millions of dollars in the year, and scores of + factories turn out plow-gear and machinery by steam. Scores of daily + papers do work which Hukm Chund and the barber and the midwife perform, + with due regard for public opinion, in the village of Isser Jang. So far + as manufactories go, the difference between Chicago on the lake, and Isser + Jang on the Montgomery road, is one of degree only, and not of kind. As + far as the understanding of the uses of life goes, Isser Jang, for all its + seasonal cholers, has the advantage over Chicago. + </p> + <p> + Jowala Singh knows and takes care to avoid the three or four ghoul-haunted + fields on the outskirts of the village; but he is not urged by millions of + devils to run about all day in the sun and swear that his plowshares are + the best in the Punjab; nor does Purun Dass fly forth in an ekka more than + once or twice a year, and he knows, on a pinch, how to use the railway and + the telegraph as well as any son of Israel in Chicago. But this is absurd. + </p> + <p> + The East is not the West, and these men must continue to deal with the + machinery of life, and to call it progress. Their very preachers dare not + rebuke them. They gloss over the hunting for money and the + thrice-sharpened bitterness of Adam's curse, by saying that such things + dower a man with a larger range of thoughts and higher aspirations. They + do not say, “Free yourselves from your own slavery,” but rather, “If you + can possibly manage it, do not set quite so much store on the things of + this world.” + </p> + <p> + And they do not know what the things of this world are! + </p> + <p> + I went off to see cattle killed, by way of clearing my head, which, as you + will perceive, was getting muddled. They say every Englishman goes to the + Chicago stock-yards. You shall find them about six miles from the city; + and once having seen them, you will never forget the sight. + </p> + <p> + As far as the eye can reach stretches a town-ship of cattle-pens, + cunningly divided into blocks, so that the animals of any pen can be + speedily driven out close to an inclined timber path which leads to an + elevated covered way straddling high above the pens. These viaducts are + two-storied. On the upper story tramp the doomed cattle, stolidly for the + most part. On the lower, with a scuffling of sharp hoofs and multitudinous + yells, run the pigs, the same end being appointed for each. Thus you will + see the gangs of cattle waiting their turn—as they wait sometimes + for days; and they need not be distressed by the sight of their fellows + running about in the fear of death. All they know is that a man on + horseback causes their next-door neighbors to move by means of a whip. + Certain bars and fences are unshipped, and behold! that crowd have gone up + the mouth of a sloping tunnel and return no more. + </p> + <p> + It is different with the pigs. They shriek back the news of the exodus to + their friends, and a hundred pens skirl responsive. + </p> + <p> + It was to the pigs I first addressed myself. Selecting a viaduct which was + full of them, as I could hear, though I could not see, I marked a sombre + building whereto it ran, and went there, not unalarmed by stray cattle who + had managed to escape from their proper quarters. A pleasant smell of + brine warned me of what was coming. I entered the factory and found it + full of pork in barrels, and on another story more pork un-barrelled, and + in a huge room the halves of swine, for whose behoof great lumps of ice + were being pitched in at the window. That room was the mortuary chamber + where the pigs lay for a little while in state ere they began their + progress through such passages as kings may sometimes travel. + </p> + <p> + Turning a corner, and not noting an overhead arrangement of greased rail, + wheel, and pulley, I ran into the arms of four eviscerated carcasses, all + pure white and of a human aspect, pushed by a man clad in vehement red. + When I leaped aside, the floor was slippery under me. Also there was a + flavor of farm-yard in my nostrils and the shouting of a multitude in my + ears. But there was no joy in that shouting. Twelve men stood in two lines + six a side. Between them and overhead ran the railway of death that had + nearly shunted me through the window. Each man carried a knife, the + sleeves of his shirt were cut off at the elbows, and from bosom to heel he + was blood-red. + </p> + <p> + Beyond this perspective was a column of steam, and beyond that was where I + worked my awe-struck way, unwilling to touch beam or wall. The atmosphere + was stifling as a night in the rains by reason of the steam and the crowd. + I climbed to the beginning of things and, perched upon a narrow beam, + overlooked very nearly all the pigs ever bred in Wisconsin. They had just + been shot out of the mouth of the viaduct and huddled together in a large + pen. Thence they were flicked persuasively, a few at a time, into a + smaller chamber, and there a man fixed tackle on their hinder legs, so + that they rose in the air, suspended from the railway of death. + </p> + <p> + Oh! it was then they shrieked and called on their mothers, and made + promises of amendment, till the tackle-man punted them in their backs and + they slid head down into a brick-floored passage, very like a big kitchen + sink, that was blood-red. There awaited them a red man with a knife, which + he passed jauntily through their throats, and the full-voiced shriek + became a splutter, and then a fall as of heavy tropical rain, and the red + man, who was backed against the passage-wall, you will understand, stood + clear of the wildly kicking hoofs and passed his hand over his eyes, not + from any feeling of compassion, but because the spurted blood was in his + eyes, and he had barely time to stick the next arrival. Then that first + stuck swine dropped, still kicking, into a great vat of boiling water, and + spoke no more words, but wallowed in obedience to some unseen machinery, + and presently came forth at the lower end of the vat, and was heaved on + the blades of a blunt paddle-wheel, things which said “Hough, hough, + hough!” and skelped all the hair off him, except what little a couple of + men with knives could remove. + </p> + <p> + Then he was again hitched by the heels to that said railway, and passed + down the line of the twelve men, each man with a knife—losing with + each man a certain amount of his individuality, which was taken away in a + wheel-barrow, and when he reached the last man he was very beautiful to + behold, but excessively unstuffed and limp. Preponderance of individuality + was ever a bar to foreign travel. That pig could have been in case to + visit you in India had he not parted with some of his most cherished + notions. + </p> + <p> + The dissecting part impressed me not so much as the slaying. They were so + excessively alive, these pigs. And then, they were so excessively dead, + and the man in the dripping, clammy, not passage did not seem to care, and + ere the blood of such a one had ceased to foam on the floor, such another + and four friends with him had shrieked and died. But a pig is only the + unclean animal—the forbidden of the prophet. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + VI. THE AMERICAN ARMY + </h2> + <p> + I SHOULD very much like to deliver a dissertation on the American army and + the possibilities of its extension. You see, it is such a beautiful little + army, and the dear people don't quite understand what to do with it. The + theory is that it is an instructional nucleus round which the militia of + the country will rally, and from which they will get a stiffening in time + of danger. Yet other people consider that the army should be built, like a + pair of lazy tongs—on the principle of elasticity and extension—so + that in time of need it may fill up its skeleton battalions and empty + saddle troops. This is real wisdom, be-cause the American army, as at + present constituted, is made up of:—Twenty-five regiments infantry, + ten companies each. + </p> + <p> + Ten regiments cavalry, twelve companies each. + </p> + <p> + Five regiments artillery, twelve companies each. + </p> + <p> + Now there is a notion in the air to reorganize the service on these lines:—Eighteen + regiments infantry at four battalions, four companies each; third + battalion, skeleton; fourth on paper. + </p> + <p> + Eight regiments cavalry at four battalions, four troops each; third + battalion, skeleton; fourth on paper. + </p> + <p> + Five regiments artillery at four battalions, four companies each; third + battalion, skeleton; fourth on paper. + </p> + <p> + Observe the beauty of this business. The third battalion will have its + officers, but no men; the fourth will probably have a rendezvous and some + equipment. + </p> + <p> + It is not contemplated to give it anything more definite at present. + Assuming the regiments to be made up to full complement, we get an army of + fifty thousand men, which after the need passes away must be cut down + fifty per cent, to the huge delight of the officers. + </p> + <p> + The military needs of the States be three: (a) Frontier warfare, an + employment well within the grip of the present army of twenty-five + thousand, and in the nature of things growing less arduous year by year; + (b) internal riots and commotions which rise up like a dust devil, whirl + furiously, and die out long before the authorities at Washington could + begin to fill up even the third skeleton battalions, much less hunt about + for material for the fourth; (c) civil war, in which, as the case in the + affair of the North and South, the regular army would be swamped in the + mass of militia and armed volunteers would turn the land into a hell. + </p> + <p> + Yet the authorities persist in regarding an external war as a thing to be + seriously considered. + </p> + <p> + The Power that would disembark troops on American soil would be capable of + heaving a shovelful of mud into the Atlantic in the hope of filling it up. + Consequently, the authorities are fascinated with the idea of the sliding + scale or concertina army. This is an hereditary instinct, for you know + that when we English have got together two companies, one machine gun, a + sick bullock, forty generals, and a mass of W. O. forms, we say we possess + “an army corps capable of indefinite extension.” + </p> + <p> + The American army is a beautiful little army. Some day, when all the + Indians are happily dead or drunk, it ought to make the finest scientific + and survey corps that the world has ever seen; it does excellent work now, + but there is this defect in its nature: It is officered, as you know, from + West Point. + </p> + <p> + The mischief of it is that West Point seems to be created for the purpose + of spreading a general knowledge of military matters among the people. A + boy goes up to that institution, gets his pass, and returns to civil life, + so they tell me, with a dangerous knowledge that he is a suckling Von + Moltke, and may apply his learning when occasion offers. Given trouble, + that man will be a nuisance, because he is a hideously versatile American, + to begin with, as cock-sure of himself as a man can be, and with all the + racial disregard for human life to back him, through any + demi-semi-professional generalship. + </p> + <p> + In a country where, as the records of the daily papers show, men engaged + in a conflict with police or jails are all too ready to adopt a military + formation and get heavily shot in a sort of cheap, half-constructed + warfare, instead of being decently scared by the appearance of the + military, this sort of arrangement does not seem wise. + </p> + <p> + The bond between the States is of an amazing tenuity. So long as they do + not absolutely march into the District of Columbia, sit on the Washington + statues, and invent a flag of their own, they can legislate, lynch, hunt + negroes through swamps, divorce, railroad, and rampage as much as ever + they choose. They do not need knowledge of their own military strength to + back their genial lawlessness. + </p> + <p> + That regular army, which is a dear little army, should be kept to itself, + blooded on detachment duty, turned into the paths of science, and now and + again assembled at feasts of Free Masons, and so forth. + </p> + <p> + It is too tiny to be a political power. The immortal wreck of the Grand + Army of the Republic is a political power of the largest and most + unblushing description. It ought not to help to lay the foundations of an + amateur military power that is blind and irresponsible. + </p> + <p> + By great good luck the evil-minded train, already delayed twelve hours by + a burned bridge, brought me to the city on a Saturday by way of that + valley which the Mormons, over their efforts, had caused to blossom like + the rose. Twelve hours previously I had entered into a new world where, in + conversation, every one was either a Mormon or a Gentile. It is not seemly + for a free and independent citizen to dub himself a Gentile, but the Mayor + of Ogden—which is the Gentile city of the valley—told me that + there must be some distinction between the two flocks. + </p> + <p> + Long before the fruit orchards of Logan or the shining levels of the Salt + Lake had been reached, that mayor—himself a Gentile, and one + renowned for his dealings with the Mormons—told me that the great + question of the existence of the power within the power was being + gradually solved by the ballot and by education. + </p> + <p> + All the beauty of the valley could not make me forget it. And the valley + is very fair. Bench after bench of land, flat as a table against the + flanks of the ringing hills, marks where the Salt Lake rested for awhile + in its collapse from an inland sea to a lake fifty miles long and thirty + broad. + </p> + <p> + There are the makings of a very fine creed about Mormonism. To begin with, + the Church is rather more absolute than that of Rome. Drop the polygamy + plank in the platform, but on the other hand deal lightly with certain + forms of excess; keep the quality of the recruit down to the low mental + level, and see that the best of all the agricultural science available is + in the hands of the elders, and there you have a first-class engine for + pioneer work. The tawdry mysticism and the borrowing from Freemasonry + serve the low caste Swede and Dane, the Welshman and the Cornish cotter, + just as well as a highly organized heaven. + </p> + <p> + Then I went about the streets and peeped into people's front windows, and + the decorations upon the tables were after the manner of the year 1850. + Main Street was full of country folk from the desert, come in to trade + with the Zion Mercantile Co-operative Institute. The Church, I fancy, + looks after the finances of this thing, and it consequently pays good + dividends. + </p> + <p> + The faces of the women were not lovely. In-deed, but for the certainty + that ugly persons are just as irrational in the matter of undivided love + as the beautiful, it seems that polygamy was a blessed institution for the + women, and that only the dread threats of the spiritual power could drive + the hulking, board-faced men into it. The women wore hideous garments, and + the men appeared to be tied up with strings. + </p> + <p> + They would market all that afternoon, and on Sunday go to the + praying-place. I tried to talk to a few of them, but they spoke strange + tongues, and stared and behaved like cows. Yet one woman, and not an + altogether ugly one, confided to me that she hated the idea of Salt Lake + City being turned into a show-place for the amusement of the Gentiles. + </p> + <p> + “If we 'have our own institutions, that ain't no reason why people should + come 'ere and stare at us, his it?” + </p> + <p> + The dropped “h” betrayed her. + </p> + <p> + “And when did you leave England?” I said. + </p> + <p> + “Summer of '84. I am Dorset,” she said. “The Mormon agent was very good to + us, and we was very poor. Now we're better off—my father, an' + mother, an' me.” + </p> + <p> + “Then you like the State?” + </p> + <p> + She misunderstood at first. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I ain't livin' in the state of polygamy. Not me, yet. I ain't + married. I like where I am. I've got things o' my own—and some + land.” + </p> + <p> + “But I suppose you will—” + </p> + <p> + “Not me. I ain't like them Swedes an' Danes. I ain't got nothin' to say + for or against polygamy. It's the elders' business, an' between you an' + me, I don't think it's going on much longer. You'll 'ear them in the 'ouse + to-morrer talkin' as if it was spreadin' all over America. The Swedes, + they think it his. I know it hisn't.” + </p> + <p> + “But you've got your land all right?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, yes; we've got our land, an' we never say aught against polygamy, o' + course—father, an' mother, an' me.” + </p> + <p> + On a table-land overlooking all the city stands the United States garrison + of infantry and artillery. The State of Utah can do nearly anything it + pleases until that much-to-be-desired hour when the Gentile vote shall + quietly swamp out Mormonism; but the garrison is kept there in case of + accidents. The big, shark-mouthed, pig-eared, heavy-boned farmers + sometimes take to their creed with wildest fanaticism, and in past years + have made life excessively unpleasant for the Gentile when he was few in + the land. But to-day, so far from killing openly or secretly, or burning + Gentile farms, it is all the Mormon dare do to feebly try to boycott the + interloper. His journals preach defiance to the United States Government, + and in the Tabernacle on a Sunday the preachers follow suit. + </p> + <p> + When I went there, the place was full of people who would have been much + better for a washing. + </p> + <p> + A man rose up and told them that they were the chosen of God, the elect of + Israel; that they were to obey their priests, and that there was a good + time coming. I fancy that they had heard all this before so many times it + produced no impression whatever, even as the sublimest mysteries of + another faith lose salt through constant iteration. They breathed heavily + through their noses, and stared straight in front of them—impassive + as flat fish. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + VII. AMERICA'S DEFENCELESS COASTS + </h2> + <p> + JUST suppose that America were twenty days distant from England. Then a + man could study its customs with undivided soul; but being so very near + next door, he goes about the land with one eye on the smoke of the + flesh-pots of the old country across the seas, while with the other he + squints biliously and prejudicially at the alien. + </p> + <p> + I can lay my hand upon my sacred heart and affirm that up to to-day I have + never taken three consecutive trips by rail without being delayed by an + accident. That it was an accident to another train makes no difference. My + own turn may come next. + </p> + <p> + A few miles from peaceful, pleasure-loving Lakewood they had managed to + upset an express goods train to the detriment of the flimsy permanent way; + and thus the train which should have left at three departed at seven in + the evening. I was not angry. I was scarcely even interested. When an + American train starts on time I begin to anticipate disaster—a + visitation for such good luck, you understand. + </p> + <p> + Buffalo is a large village of a quarter of a million inhabitants, situated + on the seashore, which is falsely called Lake Erie. It is a peaceful + place, and more like an English county town than most of its friends. + </p> + <p> + Once clear of the main business streets, you launch upon miles and miles + of asphalted roads running between cottages and cut-stone residences of + those who have money and peace. All the Eastern cities own this fringe of + elegance, but except in Chicago nowhere is the fringe deeper or more + heavily widened than in Buffalo. + </p> + <p> + The American will go to a bad place because he cannot speak English, and + is proud of it; but he knows how to make a home for himself and his mate, + knows how to keep the grass green in front of his veranda, and how to + fullest use the mechanism of life—hot water, gas, good bell-ropes, + telephones, etc. His shops sell him delightful household fitments at very + moderate rates, and he is encompassed with all manner of labor-saving + appliances. This does not prevent his wife and his daughter working + themselves to death over household drudgery; but the intention is good. + </p> + <p> + When you have seen the outside of a few hundred thousand of these homes + and the insides of a few score, you begin to understand why the American + (the respectable one) does not take a deep interest in what they call + “politics,” and why he is so vaguely and generally proud of the country + that enables him to be so comfortable. How can the owner of a dainty + chalet, with smoked-oak furniture, imitation Venetian tapestry curtains, + hot and cold water laid on, a bed of geraniums and hollyhocks, a baby + crawling down the veranda, and a self-acting twirly-whirly hose gently + hissing over the grass in the balmy dusk of an August evening—how + can such a man despair of the Republic, or descend into the streets on + voting days and mix cheerfully with “the boys”? + </p> + <p> + No, it is the stranger—the homeless jackal of a stranger—whose + interest in the country is limited to his hotel-bill and a railway-ticket, + that can run from Dan to Beersheba, crying:—“All is barren!” + </p> + <p> + Every good American wants a home—a pretty house and a little piece + of land of his very own; and every other good American seems to get it. + </p> + <p> + It was when my gigantic intellect was grappling with this question that I + confirmed a discovery half made in the West. The natives of most classes + marry young—absurdly young. One of my informants—not the + twenty-two-year-old husband I met on Lake Chautauqua—said that from + twenty to twenty-four was about the usual time for this folly. And when I + asked whether the practice was confined to the constitutionally + improvident classes, he said “No” very quickly. He said it was a general + custom, and nobody saw anything wrong with it. + </p> + <p> + “I guess, perhaps, very early marriage may account for a good deal of the + divorce,” said he, reflectively. + </p> + <p> + Whereat I was silent. Their marriages and their divorces only concern + these people; and neither I travelling, nor you, who may come after, have + any right to make rude remarks about them. Only—only coming from a + land where a man begins to lightly turn to thoughts of love not before he + is thirty, I own that playing at house-keeping before that age rather + surprised me. Out in the West, though, they marry, boys and girls, from + sixteen upward, and I have met more than one bride of fifteen—husband + aged twenty. + </p> + <p> + “When man and woman are agreed, what can the Kazi do?” + </p> + <p> + From those peaceful homes, and the envy they inspire (two trunks and a + walking-stick and a bit of pine forest in British Columbia are not + satisfactory, any way you look at them), I turned me to the lake front of + Buffalo, where the steamers bellow to the grain elevators, and the + locomotives yell to the coal-shutes, and the canal barges jostle the + lumber-raft half a mile long as it snakes across the water in tow of a + launch, and earth, and sky, and sea alike are thick with smoke. + </p> + <p> + In the old days, before the railway ran into the city, all the business + quarters fringed the lake-shore where the traffic was largest. To-day the + business quarters have gone up-town to meet the railroad; the lake traffic + still exists, but you shall find a narrow belt of red-brick desolation, + broken windows, gap-toothed doors, and streets where the grass grows + between the crowded wharves and the bustling city. To the lake front comes + wheat from Chicago, lumber, coal, and ore, and a large trade in cheap + excursionists. + </p> + <p> + It was my felicity to catch a grain steamer and an elevator emptying that + same steamer. The steamer might have been two thousand tons burden. She + was laden with wheat in bulk; from stem to stern, thirteen feet deep, lay + the clean, red wheat. There was no twenty-five per cent dirt admixture + about it at all. It was wheat, fit for the grindstones as it lay. They + manoeuvred the fore-hatch of that steamer directly under an elevator—a + house of red tin a hundred and fifty feet high. Then they let down into + that fore-hatch a trunk as if it had been the trunk of an elephant, but + stiff, because it was a pipe of iron-champed wood. And the trunk had a + steel-shod nose to it, and contained an endless chain of steel buckets. + </p> + <p> + Then the captain swore, raising his eyes to heaven, and a gruff voice + answered him from the place he swore at, and certain machinery, also in + the firmament, began to clack, and the glittering, steel-shod nose of that + trunk burrowed into the wheat, and the wheat quivered and sunk upon the + instant as water sinks when the siphon sucks, because the steel buckets + within the trunk were flying upon their endless round, carrying away each + its appointed morsel of wheat. + </p> + <p> + The elevator was a Persian well wheel—a wheel squashed out thin and + cased in a pipe, a wheel driven not by bullocks, but by much horse-power, + licking up the grain at the rate of thou-sands of bushels the hour. And + the wheat sunk into the fore-hatch while a man looked—sunk till the + brown timbers of the bulkheads showed bare, and men leaped down through + clouds of golden dust and shovelled the wheat furiously round the nose of + the trunk, and got a steam-shovel of glittering steel and made that shovel + also, till there remained of the grain not more than a horse leaves in the + fold of his nose-bag. + </p> + <p> + In this manner do they handle wheat at Buffalo. On one side of the + elevator is the steamer, on the other the railway track; and the wheat is + loaded into the cars in bulk. Wah! wah! God is great, and I do not think + He ever intended Gar Sahai or Luckman Narain to supply England with her + wheat. India can cut in not without profit to herself when her harvest is + good and the American yield poor; but this very big country can, upon the + average, supply the earth with all the beef and bread that is required. + </p> + <p> + A man in the train said to me:—“We kin feed all the earth, jest as + easily as we kin whip all the earth.” + </p> + <p> + Now the second statement is as false as the first is true. One of these + days the respectable Republic will find this out. + </p> + <p> + Unfortunately we, the English, will never be the people to teach her; + because she is a chartered libertine allowed to say and do anything she + likes, from demanding the head of the empress in an editorial + waste-basket, to chevying Canadian schooners up and down the Alaska Seas. + It is perfectly impossible to go to war with these people, whatever they + may do. + </p> + <p> + They are much too nice, in the first place, and in the second, it would + throw out all the passenger traffic of the Atlantic, and upset the + financial arrangements of the English syndicates who have invested their + money in breweries, railways, and the like, and in the third, it's not to + be done. Everybody knows that, and no one better than the American. + </p> + <p> + Yet there are other powers who are not “ohai band” (of the brotherhood)—China, + for instance. Try to believe an irresponsible writer when he assures you + that China's fleet to-day, if properly manned, could waft the entire + American navy out of the water and into the blue. The big, fat Republic + that is afraid of nothing, because nothing up to the present date has + happened to make her afraid, is as unprotected as a jelly-fish. Not + internally, of course—it would be madness for any Power to throw men + into America; they would die—but as far as regards coast defence. + </p> + <p> + From five miles out at sea (I have seen a test of her “fortified” ports) a + ship of the power of H. M. S. “Collingwood” (they haven't run her on a + rock yet) would wipe out any or every town from San Francisco to Long + Branch; and three first-class ironclads would account for New York, + Bartholdi's Statue and all. + </p> + <p> + Reflect on this. 'Twould be “Pay up or go up” round the entire coast of + the United States. To this furiously answers the patriotic American:—“We + should not pay. We should invent a Columbiad in Pittsburg or—or + anywhere else, and blow any outsider into h—l.” + </p> + <p> + They might invent. They might lay waste their cities and retire inland, + for they can subsist entirely on their own produce. Meantime, in a war + waged the only way it could be waged by an unscrupulous Power, their coast + cities and their dock-yards would be ashes. They could construct their + navy inland if they liked, but you could never bring a ship down to the + water-ways, as they stand now. + </p> + <p> + They could not, with an ordinary water patrol, despatch one regiment of + men six miles across the seas. There would be about five million + excessively angry, armed men pent up within American limits. These men + would require ships to get themselves afloat. The country has no such + ships, and until the ships were built New York need not be allowed a + single-wheeled carriage within her limits. + </p> + <p> + Behold now the glorious condition of this Republic which has no fear. + There is ransom and loot past the counting of man on her seaboard alone—plunder + that would enrich a nation—and she has neither a navy nor half a + dozen first-class ports to guard the whole. No man catches a snake by the + tail, because the creature will sting; but you can build a fire around a + snake that will make it squirm. + </p> + <p> + The country is supposed to be building a navy now. When the ships are + completed her alliance will be worth having—if the alliance of any + republic can be relied upon. For the next three years she can be hurt, and + badly hurt. Pity it is that she is of our own blood, looking at the matter + from a Pindarris point of view. Dog cannot eat dog. + </p> + <p> + These sinful reflections were prompted by the sight of the beautifully + unprotected condition of Buffalo—a city that could be made to pay up + five million dollars without feeling it. There are her companies of + infantry in a sort of port there. A gun-boat brought over in pieces from + Niagara could get the money and get away before she could be caught, while + an unarmored gun-boat guarding Toronto could ravage the towns on the + lakes. When one hears so much of the nation that can whip the earth, it + is, to say the least of it, surprising to find her so temptingly + spankable. + </p> + <p> + The average American citizen seems to have a notion that any Power engaged + in strife with the Star Spangled Banner will disembark men from + flat-bottomed boats on a convenient beach for the purpose of being shot + down by local militia. In his own simple phraseology:—“Not by a + darned sight. No, sir.” + </p> + <p> + Ransom at long range will be about the size of it—cash or crash. + </p> + <p> + Let us revisit calmer scenes. + </p> + <p> + In the heart of Buffalo there stands a magnificent building which the + population do innocently style a music-hall. Everybody comes here of + evenings to sit around little tables and listen to a first-class + orchestra. The place is something like the Gaiety Theatre at Simla, + enlarged twenty times. The “Light Brigade” of Buffalo occupy the boxes and + the stage, “as it was at Simla in the days of old,” and the others sit in + the parquet. Here I went with a friend—poor or boor is the man who + cannot pick up a friend for a season in America—and here was shown + the really smart folk of the city. I grieve to say I laughed, because when + an American wishes to be correct he sets himself to imitate the + Englishman. This he does vilely, and earns not only the contempt of his + brethren, but the amused scorn of the Briton. + </p> + <p> + I saw one man who was pointed out to me as being the glass of fashion + hereabouts. He was aggressively English in his get-up. From eye-glass to + trouser-hem the illusion was perfect, but—he wore with evening-dress + buttoned boots with brown cloth tops! Not till I wandered about this land + did I understand why the comic papers belabor the Anglomaniac. + </p> + <p> + Certain young men of the more idiotic sort launch into dog-carts and + raiment of English cut, and here in Buffalo they play polo at four in the + afternoon. I saw three youths come down to the polo-ground faultlessly + attired for the game and mounted on their best ponies. Expecting a game, I + lingered; but I was mistaken. These three shining ones with the very new + yellow hide boots and the red silk sashes had assembled themselves for the + purpose of knocking the ball about. They smote with great solemnity up and + down the grounds, while the little boys looked on. When they trotted, + which was not seldom, they rose and sunk in their stirrups with a + conscientiousness that cried out “Riding-school!” from afar. + </p> + <p> + Other young men in the park were riding after the English manner, in + neatly cut riding-trousers and light saddles. Fate in derision had made + each youth bedizen his animal with a checkered enamelled leather brow-band + visible half a mile away—a black-and-white checkered brow-band! They + can't do it, any more than an Englishman, by taking cold, can add that + indescribable nasal twang to his orchestra. + </p> + <p> + The other sight of the evening was a horror. The little tragedy played + itself out at a neighboring table where two very young men and two very + young women were sitting. It did not strike me till far into the evening + that the pimply young reprobates were making the girls drunk. They gave + them red wine and then white, and the voices rose slightly with the + maidens' cheek flushes. I watched, wishing to stay, and the youths drank + till their speech thickened and their eye-balls grew watery. It was + sickening to see, because I knew what was going to happen. My friend eyed + the group, and said:—“Maybe they're children of respectable people. + I hardly think, though, they'd be allowed out without any better escort + than these boys. And yet the place is a place where every one comes, as + you see. They may be Little Immoralities—in which case they wouldn't + be so hopelessly overcome with two glasses of wine. They may be—” + </p> + <p> + Whatever they were they got indubitably drunk—there in that lovely + hall, surrounded by the best of Buffalo society. One could do nothing + except invoke the judgment of Heaven on the two boys, themselves half sick + with liquor. At the close of the performance the quieter maiden laughed + vacantly and protested she couldn't keep her feet. The four linked arms, + and staggering, flickered out into the street—drunk, gentlemen and + ladies, as Davy's swine, drunk as lords! They disappeared down a side + avenue, but I could hear their laughter long after they were out of sight. + </p> + <p> + And they were all four children of sixteen and seventeen. Then, recanting + previous opinions, I became a prohibitionist. Better it is that a man + should go without his beer in public places, and content himself with + swearing at the narrow-mindedness of the majority; better it is to poison + the inside with very vile temperance drinks, and to buy lager furtively at + back-doors, than to bring temptation to the lips of young fools such as + the four I had seen. I understand now why the preachers rage against + drink. I have said: “There is no harm in it, taken moderately;” and yet my + own demand for beer helped directly to send those two girls reeling down + the dark street to—God alone knows what end. + </p> + <p> + If liquor is worth drinking, it is worth taking a little trouble to come + at—such trouble as a man will undergo to compass his own desires. It + is not good that we should let it lie before the eyes of children, and I + have been a fool in writing to the contrary. Very sorry for myself, I + sought a hotel, and found in the hall a reporter who wished to know what I + thought of the country. Him I lured into conversation about his own + profession, and from him gained much that confirmed me in my views of the + grinding tyranny of that thing which they call the Press here. Thus:—I—But + you talk about interviewing people whether they like it or not. Have you + no bounds beyond which even your indecent curiosity must not go? + </p> + <p> + HE—I haven't struck 'em yet. What do you think of interviewing a + widow two hours after her husband's death, to get her version of his life? + </p> + <p> + I—I think that is the work of a ghoul. Must the people have no + privacy? + </p> + <p> + HE—There is no domestic privacy in America. If there was, what the + deuce would the papers do? See here. Some time ago I had an assignment to + write up the floral tributes when a prominent citizen had died. + </p> + <p> + I—Translate, please; I do not understand your pagan rites and + ceremonies. + </p> + <p> + HE—I was ordered by the office to describe the flowers, and wreaths, + and so on, that had been sent to a dead man's funeral. Well, I went to the + house. There was no one there to stop me, so I yanked the tinkler—pulled + the bell—and drifted into the room where the corpse lay all among + the roses and smilax. I whipped out my note-book and pawed around among + the floral tributes, turn-ing up the tickets on the wreaths and seeing who + had sent them. In the middle of this I heard some one saying: “Please, oh, + please!” behind me, and there stood the daughter of the house, just bathed + in tears—I—You unmitigated brute! + </p> + <p> + HE—Pretty much what I felt myself. “I'm very sorry, miss,” I said, + “to intrude on the privacy of your grief. Trust me, I shall make it as + little painful as possible.” + </p> + <p> + I—But by what conceivable right did you outrage—HE—Hold + your horses. I'm telling you. Well, she didn't want me in the house at + all, and between her sobs fairly waved me away. I had half the tributes + described, though, and the balance I did partly on the steps when the + stiff 'un came out, and partly in the church. The preacher gave the + sermon. That wasn't my assignment. I skipped about among the floral + tributes while he was talking. I could have made no excuse if I had gone + back to the office and said that a pretty girl's sobs had stopped me + obeying orders. I had to do it. What do you think of it all? + </p> + <p> + I (slowly)—Do you want to know? + </p> + <p> + HE (with his note-book ready)—Of course. How do you regard it? + </p> + <p> + I—It makes me regard your interesting nation with the same + shuddering curiosity that I should bestow on a Pappan cannibal chewing the + scalp off his mother's skull. Does that convey any idea to your mind? It + makes me regard the whole pack of you as heathens—real heathens—not + the sort you send missions to—creatures of another flesh and blood. + You ought to have been shot, not dead, but through the stomach, for your + share in the scandalous business, and the thing you call your newspaper + ought to have been sacked by the mob, and the managing proprietor hanged. + </p> + <p> + HE—From which, I suppose you have nothing of that kind in your + country? + </p> + <p> + Oh! “Pioneer,” venerable “Pioneer,” and you not less honest press of + India, who are occasionally dull but never blackguardly, what could I say? + A mere “No,” shouted never so loudly, would not have met the needs of the + case. I said no word. + </p> + <p> + The reporter went away, and I took a train for Niagara Falls, which are + twenty-two miles distant from this bad town, where girls get drunk of + nights and reporters trample on corpses in the drawing-rooms of the brave + and the free! + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of American Notes, by Rudyard Kipling + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AMERICAN NOTES *** + +***** This file should be named 977-h.htm or 977-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/9/7/977/ + +Produced by Judith Boss, and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: American Notes + +Author: Rudyard Kipling + +Posting Date: July 21, 2008 [EBook #977] +Release Date: July, 1997 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AMERICAN NOTES *** + + + + +Produced by Judith Boss + + + + + +AMERICAN NOTES + +by Rudyard Kipling + + +With Introduction + + + + +Introduction + +In an issue of the London World in April, 1890, there appeared the +following paragraph: "Two small rooms connected by a tiny hall afford +sufficient space to contain Mr. Rudyard Kipling, the literary hero of +the present hour, 'the man who came from nowhere,' as he says himself, +and who a year ago was consciously nothing in the literary world." + +Six months previous to this Mr. Kipling, then but twenty-four years old, +had arrived in England from India to find that fame had preceded him. He +had already gained fame in India, where scores of cultured and critical +people, after reading "Departmental Ditties," "Plain Tales from the +Hills," and various other stories and verses, had stamped him for a +genius. + +Fortunately for everybody who reads, London interested and stimulated +Mr. Kipling, and he settled down to writing. "The Record of Badalia +Herodsfoot," and his first novel, "The Light that Failed," appeared +in 1890 and 1891; then a collection of verse, "Life's Handicap, being +stories of Mine Own People," was published simultaneously in London and +New York City; then followed more verse, and so on through an unending +series. + +In 1891 Mr. Kipling met the young author Wolcott Balestier, at that +time connected with a London publishing house. A strong attachment grew +between the two, and several months after their first meeting they +came to Mr. Balestier's Vermont home, where they collaborated on "The +Naulahka: A Story of West and East," for which The Century paid the +largest price ever given by an American magazine for a story. The +following year Mr. Kipling married Mr. Balestier's sister in London and +brought her to America. + +The Balestiers were of an aristocratic New York family; the grandfather +of Mrs. Kipling was J. M. Balestier, a prominent lawyer in New York City +and Chicago, who died in 1888, leaving a fortune of about a million. Her +maternal grandfather was E. Peshine Smith of Rochester, N. Y., a noted +author and jurist, who was selected in 1871 by Secretary Hamilton +Fish to go to Japan as the Mikado's adviser in international law. The +ancestral home of the Balestiers was near Brattleboro', Vt., and here +Mr. Kipling brought his bride. The young Englishman was so impressed by +the Vermont scenery that he rented for a time the cottage on the "Bliss +Farm," in which Steele Mackaye the playwright wrote the well known drama +"Hazel Kirke." + +The next spring Mr. Kipling purchased from his brother-in-law, Beatty +Balestier, a tract of land about three miles north of Brattleboro', Vt., +and on this erected a house at a cost of nearly $50,000, which he named +"The Naulahka." This was his home during his sojourn in America. Here +he wrote when in the mood, and for recreation tramped abroad over the +hills. His social duties at this period were not arduous, for to his +home he refused admittance to all but tried friends. He made a study of +the Yankee country dialect and character for "The Walking Delegate," and +while "Captains Courageous," the story of New England fisher life, was +before him he spent some time among the Gloucester fishermen with an +acquaintance who had access to the household gods of these people. + +He returned to England in August, 1896, and did not visit America again +till 1899, when he came with his wife and three children for a limited +time. + +It is hardly fair to Mr. Kipling to call "American Notes" first +impressions, for one reading them will readily see that the impressions +are superficial, little thought being put upon the writing. They seem +super-sarcastic, and would lead one to believe that Mr. Kipling is +antagonistic to America in every respect. This, however, is not true. +These "Notes" aroused much protest and severe criticism when they +appeared in 1891, and are considered so far beneath Mr. Kipling's real +work that they have been nearly suppressed and are rarely found in +a list of his writings. Their very caustic style is of interest to a +student and lover of Kipling, and for this reason the publishers believe +them worthy of a good binding. + +G. P. T. + + + + +Contents + +AT THE GOLDEN GATE + +AMERICAN POLITICS + +AMERICAN SALMON + +THE YELLOWSTONE + +CHICAGO + +THE AMERICAN ARMY + +AMERICA'S DEFENCELESS COASTS + + + + + +I. AT THE GOLDEN GATE + + "Serene, indifferent to fate, + Thou sittest at the Western Gate; + Thou seest the white seas fold their tents, + Oh, warder of two continents; + Thou drawest all things, small and great, + To thee, beside the Western Gate." + +THIS is what Bret Harte has written of the great city of San Francisco, +and for the past fortnight I have been wondering what made him do it. + +There is neither serenity nor indifference to be found in these parts; +and evil would it be for the continents whose wardship were intrusted to +so reckless a guardian. + +Behold me pitched neck-and-crop from twenty days of the high seas into +the whirl of California, deprived of any guidance, and left to draw my +own conclusions. Protect me from the wrath of an outraged community +if these letters be ever read by American eyes! San Francisco is a mad +city--inhabited for the most part by perfectly insane people, whose +women are of a remarkable beauty. + +When the "City of Pekin" steamed through the Golden Gate, I saw with +great joy that the block-house which guarded the mouth of the "finest +harbor in the world, sir," could be silenced by two gunboats from Hong +Kong with safety, comfort, and despatch. Also, there was not a single +American vessel of war in the harbor. + +This may sound bloodthirsty; but remember, I had come with a grievance +upon me--the grievance of the pirated English books. + +Then a reporter leaped aboard, and ere I could gasp held me in his +toils. He pumped me exhaustively while I was getting ashore, demanding +of all things in the world news about Indian journalism. It is an awful +thing to enter a new land with a new lie on your lips. I spoke the truth +to the evil-minded Custom House man who turned my most sacred raiment on +a floor composed of stable refuse and pine splinters; but the reporter +overwhelmed me not so much by his poignant audacity as his beautiful +ignorance. I am sorry now that I did not tell him more lies as I passed +into a city of three hundred thousand white men. Think of it! Three +hundred thousand white men and women gathered in one spot, walking +upon real pavements in front of plate-glass-windowed shops, and talking +something that at first hearing was not very different from English. It +was only when I had tangled myself up in a hopeless maze of small wooden +houses, dust, street refuse, and children who played with empty kerosene +tins, that I discovered the difference of speech. + +"You want to go to the Palace Hotel?" said an affable youth on a dray. +"What in hell are you doing here, then? This is about the lowest ward in +the city. Go six blocks north to corner of Geary and Markey, then walk +around till you strike corner of Gutter and Sixteenth, and that brings +you there." + +I do not vouch for the literal accuracy of these directions, quoting but +from a disordered memory. + +"Amen," I said. "But who am I that I should strike the corners of such +as you name? Peradventure they be gentlemen of repute, and might hit +back. Bring it down to dots, my son." + +I thought he would have smitten me, but he didn't. He explained that no +one ever used the word "street," and that every one was supposed to know +how the streets ran, for sometimes the names were upon the lamps and +sometimes they weren't. Fortified with these directions, I proceeded +till I found a mighty street, full of sumptuous buildings four and five +stories high, but paved with rude cobblestones, after the fashion of the +year 1. + +Here a tram-car, without any visible means of support, slid stealthily +behind me and nearly struck me in the back. This was the famous cable +car of San Francisco, which runs by gripping an endless wire rope sunk +in the ground, and of which I will tell you more anon. A hundred yards +further there was a slight commotion in the street, a gathering together +of three or four, something that glittered as it moved very swiftly. A +ponderous Irish gentleman, with priest's cords in his hat and a small +nickel-plated badge on his fat bosom, emerged from the knot supporting +a Chinaman who had been stabbed in the eye and was bleeding like a +pig. The by-standers went their ways, and the Chinaman, assisted by the +policeman, his own. Of course this was none of my business, but I rather +wanted to know what had happened to the gentleman who had dealt +the stab. It said a great deal for the excellence of the municipal +arrangement of the town that a surging crowd did not at once block the +street to see what was going forward. I was the sixth man and the last +who assisted at the performance, and my curiosity was six times the +greatest. Indeed, I felt ashamed of showing it. + +There were no more incidents till I reached the Palace Hotel, a +seven-storied warren of humanity with a thousand rooms in it. All the +travel books will tell you about hotel arrangements in this country. +They should be seen to be appreciated. Understand clearly--and this +letter is written after a thousand miles of experiences--that money +will not buy you service in the West. When the hotel clerk--the man +who awards your room to you and who is supposed to give you +information--when that resplendent individual stoops to attend to your +wants he does so whistling or humming or picking his teeth, or pauses +to converse with some one he knows. These performances, I gather, are to +impress upon you that he is a free man and your equal. From his general +appearance and the size of his diamonds he ought to be your superior. +There is no necessity for this swaggering self-consciousness of freedom. +Business is business, and the man who is paid to attend to a man might +reasonably devote his whole attention to the job. Out of office hours he +can take his coach and four and pervade society if he pleases. + +In a vast marble-paved hall, under the glare of an electric light, +sat forty or fifty men, and for their use and amusement were provided +spittoons of infinite capacity and generous gape. Most of the men +wore frock-coats and top-hats--the things that we in India put on at a +wedding-breakfast, if we possess them--but they all spat. They spat on +principle. The spittoons were on the staircases, in each bedroom--yea, +and in chambers even more sacred than these. They chased one into +retirement, but they blossomed in chiefest splendor round the bar, and +they were all used, every reeking one of them. + +Just before I began to feel deathly sick another reporter grappled me. +What he wanted to know was the precise area of India in square miles. I +referred him to Whittaker. He had never heard of Whittaker. He wanted it +from my own mouth, and I would not tell him. Then he swerved off, just +like the other man, to details of journalism in our own country. I +ventured to suggest that the interior economy of a paper most concerned +the people who worked it. + +"That's the very thing that interests us," he said. "Have you got +reporters anything like our reporters on Indian newspapers?" + +"We have not," I said, and suppressed the "thank God" rising to my lips. + +"Why haven't you?" said he. + +"Because they would die," I said. + +It was exactly like talking to a child--a very rude little child. He +would begin almost every sentence with, "Now tell me something about +India," and would turn aimlessly from one question to the other without +the least continuity. I was not angry, but keenly interested. The man +was a revelation to me. To his questions I returned answers mendacious +and evasive. After all, it really did not matter what I said. He could +not understand. I can only hope and pray that none of the readers of the +"Pioneer" will ever see that portentous interview. The man made me out +to be an idiot several sizes more drivelling than my destiny intended, +and the rankness of his ignorance managed to distort the few poor facts +with which I supplied him into large and elaborate lies. Then, thought +I, "the matter of American journalism shall be looked into later on. At +present I will enjoy myself." + +No man rose to tell me what were the lions of the place. No one +volunteered any sort of conveyance. I was absolutely alone in this big +city of white folk. By instinct I sought refreshment, and came upon a +barroom full of bad Salon pictures in which men with hats on the backs +of their heads were wolfing food from a counter. It was the institution +of the "free lunch" I had struck. You paid for a drink and got as much +as you wanted to eat. For something less than a rupee a day a man can +feed himself sumptuously in San Francisco, even though he be a bankrupt. +Remember this if ever you are stranded in these parts. + +Later I began a vast but unsystematic exploration of the streets. I +asked for no names. It was enough that the pavements were full of white +men and women, the streets clanging with traffic, and that the restful +roar of a great city rang in my ears. The cable cars glided to all +points of the compass at once. I took them one by one till I could go no +further. San Francisco has been pitched down on the sand bunkers of the +Bikaneer desert. About one fourth of it is ground reclaimed from the +sea--any old-timers will tell you all about that. The remainder is just +ragged, unthrifty sand hills, to-day pegged down by houses. + +From an English point of view there has not been the least attempt +at grading those hills, and indeed you might as well try to grade the +hillocks of Sind. The cable cars have for all practical purposes made +San Francisco a dead level. They take no count of rise or fall, but +slide equably on their appointed courses from one end to the other of a +six-mile street. They turn corners almost at right angles, cross other +lines, and for aught I know may run up the sides of houses. There is +no visible agency of their flight, but once in awhile you shall pass +a five-storied building humming with machinery that winds up an +everlasting wire cable, and the initiated will tell you that here is the +mechanism. I gave up asking questions. If it pleases Providence to make +a car run up and down a slit in the ground for many miles, and if for +twopence halfpenny I can ride in that car, why shall I seek the reasons +of the miracle? Rather let me look out of the windows till the shops +give place to thousands and thousands of little houses made of wood (to +imitate stone), each house just big enough for a man and his family. Let +me watch the people in the cars and try to find out in what manner they +differ from us, their ancestors. + +It grieves me now that I cursed them (in the matter of book piracy), +because I perceived that my curse is working and that their speech is +becoming a horror already. They delude themselves into the belief that +they talk English--the English--and I have already been pitied for +speaking with "an English accent." The man who pitied me spoke, so far +as I was concerned, the language of thieves. And they all do. Where we +put the accent forward they throw it back, and vice versa where we +give the long "a" they use the short, and words so simple as to be past +mistaking they pronounce somewhere up in the dome of their heads. How do +these things happen? + +Oliver Wendell Holmes says that the Yankee school-marm, the cider and +the salt codfish of the Eastern States, are responsible for what he +calls a nasal accent. I know better. They stole books from across the +water without paying for 'em, and the snort of delight was fixed in +their nostrils forever by a just Providence. That is why they talk a +foreign tongue to-day. + +"Cats is dogs, and rabbits is dogs, and so's parrots. But this 'ere +tortoise is an insect, so there ain't no charge," as the old porter +said. + +A Hindoo is a Hindoo and a brother to the man who knows his vernacular. +And a Frenchman is French because he speaks his own language. But the +American has no language. He is dialect, slang, provincialism, accent, +and so forth. Now that I have heard their voices, all the beauty of Bret +Harte is being ruined for me, because I find myself catching through the +roll of his rhythmical prose the cadence of his peculiar fatherland. Get +an American lady to read to you "How Santa Claus Came to Simpson's +Bar," and see how much is, under her tongue, left of the beauty of the +original. + +But I am sorry for Bret Harte. It happened this way. A reporter asked +me what I thought of the city, and I made answer suavely that it was +hallowed ground to me, because of Bret Harte. That was true. + +"Well," said the reporter, "Bret Harte claims California, but California +don't claim Bret Harte. He's been so long in England that he's quite +English. Have you seen our cracker factories or the new offices of the +'Examiner'?" + +He could not understand that to the outside world the city was worth a +great deal less than the man. I never intended to curse the people with +a provincialism so vast as this. + +But let us return to our sheep--which means the sea-lions of the Cliff +House. They are the great show of San Francisco. You take a train which +pulls up the middle of the street (it killed two people the day +before yesterday, being unbraked and driven absolutely regardless of +consequences), and you pull up somewhere at the back of the city on the +Pacific beach. Originally the cliffs and their approaches must have been +pretty, but they have been so carefully defiled with advertisements that +they are now one big blistered abomination. A hundred yards from +the shore stood a big rock covered with the carcasses of the sleek +sea-beasts, who roared and rolled and walloped in the spouting surges. +No bold man had painted the creatures sky-blue or advertised newspapers +on their backs, wherefore they did not match the landscape, which was +chiefly hoarding. Some day, perhaps, whatever sort of government may +obtain in this country will make a restoration of the place and keep it +clean and neat. At present the sovereign people, of whom I have heard so +much already, are vending cherries and painting the virtues of "Little +Bile Beans" all over it. + +Night fell over the Pacific, and the white sea-fog whipped through the +streets, dimming the splendors of the electric lights. It is the use of +this city, her men and women folk, to parade between the hours of eight +and ten a certain street called Cairn Street, where the finest shops are +situated. Here the click of high heels on the pavement is loudest, here +the lights are brightest, and here the thunder of the traffic is most +overwhelming. I watched Young California, and saw that it was, at +least, expensively dressed, cheerful in manner, and self-asserting +in conversation. Also the women were very fair. Perhaps eighteen days +aboard ship had something to do with my unreserved admiration. The +maidens were of generous build, large, well groomed, and attired in +raiment that even to my inexperienced eyes must have cost much. Cairn +Street at nine o'clock levels all distinctions of rank as impartially +as the grave. Again and again I loitered at the heels of a couple of +resplendent beings, only to overhear, when I expected the level voice +of culture, the staccato "Sez he," "Sez I" that is the mark of the white +servant-girl all the world over. + +This was depressing because, in spite of all that goes to the contrary, +fine feathers ought to make fine birds. There was wealth--unlimited +wealth--in the streets, but not an accent that would not have been dear +at fifty cents. Wherefore, revolving in my mind that these folk were +barbarians, I was presently enlightened and made aware that they also +were the heirs of all the ages, and civilized after all. There appeared +before me an affable stranger of prepossessing appearance, with a blue +and an innocent eye. Addressing me by name, he claimed to have met me in +New York, at the Windsor, and to this claim I gave a qualified assent. +I did not remember the fact, but since he was so certain of it, why, +then--I waited developments. + +"And what did you think of Indiana when you came through?" was the next +question. + +It revealed the mystery of previous acquaintance and one or two other +things. With reprehensible carelessness my friend of the light-blue eye +had looked up the name of his victim in the hotel register, and read +"Indiana" for India. + +The provincialism with which I had cursed his people extended to +himself. He could not imagine an Englishman coming through the States +from west to east instead of by the regularly ordained route. My fear +was that in his delight in finding me so responsive he would make +remarks about New York and the Windsor which I could not understand. +And, indeed, he adventured in this direction once or twice, asking me +what I thought of such and such streets, which from his tone I gathered +to be anything but respectable. It is trying to talk unknown New York in +almost unknown San Francisco. But my friend was merciful. He protested +that I was one after his own heart, and pressed upon me rare and curious +drinks at more than one bar. These drinks I accepted with gratitude, as +also the cigars with which his pockets were stored. He would show me the +life of the city. Having no desire to watch a weary old play again, I +evaded the offer and received in lieu of the devil's instruction much +coarse flattery. Curiously constituted is the soul of man. Knowing how +and where this man lied, waiting idly for the finale, I was distinctly +conscious, as he bubbled compliments in my ear, of soft thrills of +gratified pride stealing from hat-rim to boot-heels. I was wise, quoth +he--anybody could see that with half an eye; sagacious, versed in the +ways of the world, an acquaintance to be desired; one who had tasted the +cup of life with discretion. + +All this pleased me, and in a measure numbed the suspicion that was +thoroughly aroused. Eventually the blue-eyed one discovered, nay, +insisted, that I had a taste for cards (this was clumsily worked in, +but it was my fault, for in that I met him half-way and allowed him +no chance of good acting). Hereupon I laid my head upon one side and +simulated unholy wisdom, quoting odds and ends of poker talk, all +ludicrously misapplied. My friend kept his countenance admirably, and +well he might, for five minutes later we arrived, always by the purest +of chance, at a place where we could play cards and also frivol with +Louisiana State Lottery tickets. Would I play? + +"Nay," said I, "for to me cards have neither meaning nor continuity; but +let us assume that I am going to play. How would you and your friends +get to work? Would you play a straight game, or make me drunk, or--well, +the fact is, I'm a newspaper man, and I'd be much obliged if you'd let +me know something about bunco steering." + +My blue-eyed friend erected himself into an obelisk of profanity. He +cursed me by his gods--the right and left bower; he even cursed the very +good cigars he had given me. But, the storm over, he quieted down and +explained. I apologized for causing him to waste an evening, and we +spent a very pleasant time together. + +Inaccuracy, provincialism, and a too hasty rushing to conclusions, +were the rocks that he had split on, but he got his revenge when he +said:--"How would I play with you? From all the poppycock Anglice bosh +you talked about poker, I'd ha' played a straight game, and skinned +you. I wouldn't have taken the trouble to make you drunk. You never knew +anything of the game, but how I was mistaken in going to work on you, +makes me sick." + +He glared at me as though I had done him an injury. To-day I know how it +is that year after year, week after week, the bunco steerer, who is the +confidence trick and the card-sharper man of other climes, secures +his prey. He clavers them over with flattery as the snake clavers the +rabbit. The incident depressed me because it showed I had left the +innocent East far behind and was come to a country where a man must look +out for himself. The very hotels bristled with notices about keeping my +door locked and depositing my valuables in a safe. The white man in a +lump is bad. Weeping softly for O-Toyo (little I knew then that my +heart was to be torn afresh from my bosom) I fell asleep in the clanging +hotel. + +Next morning I had entered upon the deferred inheritance. There are +no princes in America--at least with crowns on their heads--but a +generous-minded member of some royal family received my letter of +introduction. Ere the day closed I was a member of the two clubs, and +booked for many engagements to dinner and party. Now, this prince, upon +whose financial operations be continual increase, had no reason, nor had +the others, his friends, to put himself out for the sake of one Briton +more or less, but he rested not till he had accomplished all in my +behalf that a mother could think of for her debutante daughter. + +Do you know the Bohemian Club of San Francisco? They say its fame +extends over the world. It was created, somewhat on the lines of the +Savage, by men who wrote or drew things, and has blossomed into most +unrepublican luxury. The ruler of the place is an owl--an owl standing +upon a skull and cross-bones, showing forth grimly the wisdom of the man +of letters and the end of his hopes for immortality. The owl stands +on the staircase, a statue four feet high; is carved in the wood-work, +flutters on the frescoed ceiling, is stamped on the note-paper, and +hangs on the walls. He is an ancient and honorable bird. Under his wing +'twas my privilege to meet with white men whose lives were not chained +down to routine of toil, who wrote magazine articles instead of reading +them hurriedly in the pauses of office-work, who painted pictures +instead of contenting themselves with cheap etchings picked up at +another man's sale of effects. Mine were all the rights of social +intercourse, craft by craft, that India, stony-hearted step-mother of +collectors, has swindled us out of. Treading soft carpets and breathing +the incense of superior cigars, I wandered from room to room studying +the paintings in which the members of the club had caricatured +themselves, their associates, and their aims. There was a slick French +audacity about the workmanship of these men of toil unbending that went +straight to the heart of the beholder. And yet it was not altogether +French. A dry grimness of treatment, almost Dutch, marked the +difference. The men painted as they spoke--with certainty. The +club indulges in revelries which it calls "jinks"--high and low, at +intervals--and each of these gatherings is faithfully portrayed in +oils by hands that know their business. In this club were no amateurs +spoiling canvas, because they fancied they could handle oils without +knowledge of shadows or anatomy--no gentleman of leisure ruining the +temper of publishers and an already ruined market with attempts to write +"because everybody writes something these days." + +My hosts were working, or had worked for their daily bread with pen or +paint, and their talk for the most part was of the shop--shoppy--that is +to say, delightful. They extended a large hand of welcome, and were as +brethren, and I did homage to the owl and listened to their talk. An +Indian club about Christmas-time will yield, if properly worked, an +abundant harvest of queer tales; but at a gathering of Americans +from the uttermost ends of their own continent, the tales are larger, +thicker, more spinous, and even more azure than any Indian variety. +Tales of the war I heard told by an ex-officer of the South over his +evening drink to a colonel of the Northern army, my introducer, who had +served as a trooper in the Northern Horse, throwing in emendations from +time to time. "Tales of the Law," which in this country is an amazingly +elastic affair, followed from the lips of a judge. Forgive me for +recording one tale that struck me as new. It may interest the up-country +Bar in India. + +Once upon a time there was Samuelson, a young lawyer, who feared not +God, neither regarded the Bench. (Name, age, and town of the man were +given at great length.) To him no case had ever come as a client, partly +because he lived in a district where lynch law prevailed, and partly +because the most desperate prisoner shrunk from intrusting himself to +the mercies of a phenomenal stammerer. But in time there happened an +aggravated murder--so bad, indeed, that by common consent the citizens +decided, as a prelude to lynching, to give the real law a chance. They +could, in fact, gambol round that murder. They met--the court in its +shirt-sleeves--and against the raw square of the Court House window a +temptingly suggestive branch of a tree fretted the sky. No one appeared +for the prisoner, and, partly in jest, the court advised young Samuelson +to take up the case. + +"The prisoner is undefended, Sam," said the court. "The square thing to +do would be for you to take him aside and do the best you can for him." + +Court, jury, and witness then adjourned to the veranda, while Samuelson +led his client aside to the Court House cells. An hour passed ere the +lawyer returned alone. Mutely the audience questioned. + +"May it p-p-please the c-court," said Samuel-son, "my client's case is +a b-b-b-bad one--a d-d-amn bad one. You told me to do the b-b-best I +c-could for him, judge, so I've jest given him y-your b-b-bay gelding, +an' told him to light out for healthier c-climes, my p-p-professional +opinion being he'd be hanged quicker'n h-h-hades if he dallied here. +B-by this time my client's 'bout fifteen mile out yonder somewheres. +That was the b-b-best I could do for him, may it p-p-please the court." + +The young man, escaping punishment in lieu of the prisoner, made his +fortune ere five years. + +Other voices followed, with equally wondrous tales of riata-throwing +in Mexico and Arizona, of gambling at army posts in Texas, of newspaper +wars waged in godless Chicago (I could not help being interested, but +they were not pretty tricks), of deaths sudden and violent in Montana +and Dakota, of the loves of half-breed maidens in the South, and +fantastic huntings for gold in mysterious Alaska. Above all, they +told the story of the building of old San Francisco, when the "finest +collection of humanity on God's earth, sir, started this town, and the +water came up to the foot of Market Street." Very terrible were some +of the tales, grimly humorous the others, and the men in broadcloth and +fine linen who told them had played their parts in them. + +"And now and again when things got too bad they would toll the city +bell, and the Vigilance Committee turned out and hanged the suspicious +characters. A man didn't begin to be suspected in those days till he had +committed at least one unprovoked murder," said a calm-eyed, portly old +gentleman. + +I looked at the pictures around me, the noiseless, neat-uniformed waiter +behind me, the oak-ribbed ceiling above, the velvet carpet beneath. +It was hard to realize that even twenty years ago you could see a man +hanged with great pomp. Later on I found reason to change my opinion. +The tales gave me a headache and set me thinking. How in the world +was it possible to take in even one thousandth of this huge, roaring, +many-sided continent? In the tobacco-scented silence of the sumptuous +library lay Professor Bryce's book on the American Republic. + +"It is an omen," said I. "He has done all things in all seriousness, and +he may be purchased for half a guinea. Those who desire information of +the most undoubted, must refer to his pages. For me is the daily +round of vagabondage, the recording of the incidents of the hour and +intercourse with the travelling-companion of the day. I will not 'do' +this country at all." + +And I forgot all about India for ten days while I went out to dinners +and watched the social customs of the people, which are entirely +different from our customs, and was introduced to men of many millions. +These persons are harmless in their earlier stages--that is to say, a +man worth three or four million dollars may be a good talker, clever, +amusing, and of the world; a man with twice that amount is to be +avoided, and a twenty million man is--just twenty millions. Take an +instance. I was speaking to a newspaper man about seeing the proprietor +of his journal, as in my innocence I supposed newspaper men occasionally +did. My friend snorted indignantly:--"See him! Great Scott! No. If he +happens to appear in the office, I have to associate with him; but, +thank Heaven! outside of that I move in circles where he cannot come." + +And yet the first thing I have been taught to believe is that money was +everything in America! + + + + +II. AMERICAN POLITICS + +I HAVE been watching machinery in repose after reading about machinery +in action. + +An excellent gentleman, who bears a name honored in the magazine, +writes, much as Disraeli orated, of "the sublime instincts of an ancient +people," the certainty with which they can be trusted to manage their +own affairs in their own way, and the speed with which they are making +for all sorts of desirable goals. This he called a statement or purview +of American politics. + +I went almost directly afterward to a saloon where gentlemen interested +in ward politics nightly congregate. They were not pretty persons. Some +of them were bloated, and they all swore cheerfully till the heavy gold +watch-chains on their fat stomachs rose and fell again; but they talked +over their liquor as men who had power and unquestioned access to places +of trust and profit. + +The magazine writer discussed theories of government; these men the +practice. They had been there. They knew all about it. They banged their +fists on the table and spoke of political "pulls," the vending of votes, +and so forth. Theirs was not the talk of village babblers reconstructing +the affairs of the nation, but of strong, coarse, lustful men fighting +for spoil, and thoroughly understanding the best methods of reaching it. + +I listened long and intently to speech I could not understand--or but in +spots. + +It was the speech of business, however. I had sense enough to know that, +and to do my laughing outside the door. + +Then I began to understand why my pleasant and well-educated hosts in +San Francisco spoke with a bitter scorn of such duties of citizenship as +voting and taking an interest in the distribution of offices. Scores of +men have told me, without false pride, that they would as soon concern +themselves with the public affairs of the city or state as rake +muck with a steam-shovel. It may be that their lofty disdain covers +selfishness, but I should be very sorry habitually to meet the fat +gentlemen with shiny top-hats and plump cigars in whose society I have +been spending the evening. + +Read about politics as the cultured writer of the magazine regards 'em, +and then, and not till then, pay your respects to the gentlemen who run +the grimy reality. + +I'm sick of interviewing night editors who lean their chair against +the wall, and, in response to my demand for the record of a prominent +citizen, answer: "Well, you see, he began by keeping a saloon," etc. +I prefer to believe that my informants are treating me as in the old +sinful days in India I was used to treat the wandering globe-trotter. +They declare that they speak the truth, and the news of dog politics +lately vouchsafed to me in groggeries inclines me to believe, but I +won't. The people are much too nice to slangander as recklessly as I +have been doing. + +Besides, I am hopelessly in love with about eight American maidens--all +perfectly delightful till the next one comes into the room. + +O-Toyo was a darling, but she lacked several things--conversation for +one. You cannot live on giggles. She shall remain unmarried at Nagasaki, +while I roast a battered heart before the shrine of a big Kentucky +blonde, who had for a nurse when she was little a negro "mammy." + +By consequence she has welded on California beauty, Paris dresses, +Eastern culture, Europe trips, and wild Western originality, the queer, +dreamy superstitions of the quarters, and the result is soul-shattering. +And she is but one of many stars. + +Item, a maiden who believes in education and possesses it, with a few +hundred thousand dollars to boot and a taste for slumming. + +Item, the leader of a sort of informal salon where girls congregate, +read papers, and daringly discuss metaphysical problems and candy--a +sloe-eyed, black-browed, imperious maiden she. + +Item, a very small maiden, absolutely without reverence, who can in one +swift sentence trample upon and leave gasping half a dozen young men. + +Item, a millionairess, burdened with her money, lonely, caustic, with +a tongue keen as a sword, yearning for a sphere, but chained up to the +rock of her vast possessions. + +Item, a typewriter maiden earning her own bread in this big city, +because she doesn't think a girl ought to be a burden on her parents, +who quotes Theophile Gautier and moves through the world manfully, much +respected for all her twenty inexperienced summers. + +Item, a woman from cloud-land who has no history in the past or future, +but is discreetly of the present, and strives for the confidences +of male humanity on the grounds of "sympathy" (methinks this is not +altogether a new type). + +Item, a girl in a "dive," blessed with a Greek head and eyes, that seem +to speak all that is best and sweetest in the world. But woe is me! She +has no ideas in this world or the next beyond the consumption of beer +(a commission on each bottle), and protests that she sings the songs +allotted to her nightly without more than the vaguest notion of their +meaning. + +Sweet and comely are the maidens of Devonshire; delicate and of gracious +seeming those who live in the pleasant places of London; fascinating for +all their demureness the damsels of France, clinging closely to their +mothers, with large eyes wondering at the wicked world; excellent in her +own place and to those who understand her is the Anglo-Indian "spin" in +her second season; but the girls of America are above and beyond them +all. They are clever, they can talk--yea, it is said that they think. +Certainly they have an appearance of so doing which is delightfully +deceptive. + +They are original, and regard you between the brows with unabashed eyes +as a sister might look at her brother. They are instructed, too, in the +folly and vanity of the male mind, for they have associated with "the +boys" from babyhood, and can discerningly minister to both vices or +pleasantly snub the possessor. They possess, moreover, a life among +themselves, independent of any masculine associations. They have +societies and clubs and unlimited tea-fights where all the guests are +girls. They are self-possessed, without parting with any tenderness that +is their sex-right; they understand; they can take care of themselves; +they are superbly independent. When you ask them what makes them so +charming, they say:--"It is because we are better educated than your +girls, and--and we are more sensible in regard to men. We have good +times all round, but we aren't taught to regard every man as a possible +husband. Nor is he expected to marry the first girl he calls on +regularly." + +Yes, they have good times, their freedom is large, and they do not abuse +it. They can go driving with young men and receive visits from young +men to an extent that would make an English mother wink with horror, and +neither driver nor drivee has a thought beyond the enjoyment of a good +time. As certain, also, of their own poets have said:-- + + "Man is fire and woman is tow, + And the devil he comes and begins to blow." + +In America the tow is soaked in a solution that makes it fire-proof, +in absolute liberty and large knowledge; consequently, accidents do not +exceed the regular percentage arranged by the devil for each class and +climate under the skies. + +But the freedom of the young girl has its drawbacks. She is--I say it +with all reluctance--irreverent, from her forty-dollar bonnet to the +buckles in her eighteen-dollar shoes. She talks flippantly to her +parents and men old enough to be her grandfather. She has a prescriptive +right to the society of the man who arrives. The parents admit it. + +This is sometimes embarrassing, especially when you call on a man and +his wife for the sake of information--the one being a merchant of varied +knowledge, the other a woman of the world. In five minutes your host has +vanished. In another five his wife has followed him, and you are left +alone with a very charming maiden, doubtless, but certainly not the +person you came to see. She chatters, and you grin, but you leave +with the very strong impression of a wasted morning. This has been my +experience once or twice. I have even said as pointedly as I dared to a +man:--"I came to see you." + +"You'd better see me in my office, then. The house belongs to my women +folk--to my daughter, that is to say." + +He spoke the truth. The American of wealth is owned by his family. They +exploit him for bullion. The women get the ha'pence, the kicks are all +his own. Nothing is too good for an American's daughter (I speak here of +the moneyed classes). + +The girls take every gift as a matter of course, and yet they develop +greatly when a catastrophe arrives and the man of many millions goes up +or goes down, and his daughters take to stenography or typewriting. I +have heard many tales of heroism from the lips of girls who counted the +principals among their friends. The crash came, Mamie, or Hattie, or +Sadie, gave up their maid, their carriages and candy, and with a No. 2 +Remington and a stout heart set about earning their daily bread. + +"And did I drop her from the list of my friends? No, sir," said a +scarlet-lipped vision in white lace; "that might happen to us any day." + +It may be this sense of possible disaster in the air that makes San +Francisco society go with so captivating a rush and whirl. Recklessness +is in the air. I can't explain where it comes from, but there it is. +The roaring winds of the Pacific make you drunk to begin with. The +aggressive luxury on all sides helps out the intoxication, and you spin +forever "down the ringing grooves of change" (there is no small change, +by the way, west of the Rockies) as long as money lasts. They make +greatly and they spend lavishly; not only the rich, but the artisans, +who pay nearly five pounds for a suit of clothes, and for other luxuries +in proportion. + +The young men rejoice in the days of their youth. They gamble, yacht, +race, enjoy prize-fights and cock-fights, the one openly, the other +in secret; they establish luxurious clubs; they break themselves over +horse-flesh and other things, and they are instant in a quarrel. At +twenty they are experienced in business, embark in vast enterprises, +take partners as experienced as themselves, and go to pieces with as +much splendor as their neighbors. Remember that the men who stocked +California in the fifties were physically, and, as far as regards +certain tough virtues, the pick of the earth. The inept and the weakly +died en route, or went under in the days of construction. To this +nucleus were added all the races of the Continent--French, Italian, +German, and, of course, the Jew. + +The result you can see in the large-boned, deep-chested, delicate-handed +women, and long, elastic, well-built boys. It needs no little golden +badge swinging from the watch-chain to mark the native son of the golden +West, the country-bred of California. + +Him I love because he is devoid of fear, carries himself like a man, and +has a heart as big as his books. I fancy, too, he knows how to enjoy the +blessings of life that his province so abundantly bestows upon him. At +least, I heard a little rat of a creature with hock-bottle shoulders +explaining that a man from Chicago could pull the eye-teeth of a +Californian in business. + +Well, if I lived in fairy-land, where cherries were as big as plums, +plums as big as apples, and strawberries of no account, where the +procession of the fruits of the seasons was like a pageant in a Drury +Lane pantomime and the dry air was wine, I should let business slide +once in a way and kick up my heels with my fellows. The tale of the +resources of California--vegetable and mineral--is a fairy-tale. You can +read it in books. You would never believe me. + +All manner of nourishing food, from sea-fish to beef, may be bought at +the lowest prices, and the people are consequently well-developed and of +a high stomach. They demand ten shillings for tinkering a jammed lock of +a trunk; they receive sixteen shillings a day for working as carpenters; +they spend many sixpences on very bad cigars, which the poorest of them +smoke, and they go mad over a prize-fight. When they disagree they do so +fatally, with fire-arms in their hands, and on the public streets. I +was just clear of Mission Street when the trouble began between two +gentlemen, one of whom perforated the other. + +When a policeman, whose name I do not recollect, "fatally shot Ed +Hearney" for attempting to escape arrest, I was in the next street. For +these things I am thankful. It is enough to travel with a policeman in +a tram-car, and, while he arranges his coat-tails as he sits down, to +catch sight of a loaded revolver. It is enough to know that fifty per +cent of the men in the public saloons carry pistols about them. + +The Chinaman waylays his adversary, and methodically chops him to pieces +with his hatchet. Then the press roars about the brutal ferocity of the +pagan. + +The Italian reconstructs his friend with a long knife. The press +complains of the waywardness of the alien. + +The Irishman and the native Californian in their hours of discontent use +the revolver, not once, but six times. The press records the fact, and +asks in the next column whether the world can parallel the progress of +San Francisco. The American who loves his country will tell you that +this sort of thing is confined to the lower classes. Just at present an +ex-judge who was sent to jail by another judge (upon my word I cannot +tell whether these titles mean anything) is breathing red-hot vengeance +against his enemy. The papers have interviewed both parties, and +confidently expect a fatal issue. + +Now, let me draw breath and curse the negro waiter, and through him +the negro in service generally. He has been made a citizen with a vote, +consequently both political parties play with him. But that is neither +here nor there. He will commit in one meal every betise that a senllion +fresh from the plow-tail is capable of, and he will continue to repeat +those faults. He is as complete a heavy-footed, uncomprehending, +bungle-fisted fool as any mem-sahib in the East ever took into her +establishment. But he is according to law a free and independent +citizen--consequently above reproof or criticism. He, and he alone, in +this insane city, will wait at table (the Chinaman doesn't count). + +He is untrained, inept, but he will fill the place and draw the pay. +Now, God and his father's fate made him intellectually inferior to the +Oriental. He insists on pretending that he serves tables by accident--as +a sort of amusement. He wishes you to understand this little fact. You +wish to eat your meals, and, if possible, to have them properly served. +He is a big, black, vain baby and a man rolled into one. + +A colored gentleman who insisted on getting me pie when I wanted +something else, demanded information about India. I gave him some facts +about wages. + +"Oh, hell!" said he, cheerfully, "that wouldn't keep me in cigars for a +month." + +Then he fawned on me for a ten-cent piece. Later he took it upon himself +to pity the natives of India. "Heathens," he called them--this woolly +one, whose race has been the butt of every comedy on the native stage +since the beginning. And I turned and saw by the head upon his shoulders +that he was a Yoruba man, if there be any truth in ethnological castes. +He did his thinking in English, but he was a Yoruba negro, and the race +type had remained the same throughout his generations. And the room was +full of other races--some that looked exactly like Gallas (but the +trade was never recruited from that side of Africa), some duplicates of +Cameroon heads, and some Kroomen, if ever Kroomen wore evening dress. + +The American does not consider little matters of descent, though by this +time he ought to know all about "damnable heredity." As a general rule +he keeps himself very far from the negro, and says things about him +that are not pretty. There are six million negroes, more or less, in +the States, and they are increasing. The American, once having made them +citizens, cannot unmake them. He says, in his newspapers, they ought to +be elevated by education. He is trying this, but it is likely to be +a long job, because black blood is much more adhesive than white, and +throws back with annoying persistence. When the negro gets religion he +returns directly as a hiving bee to the first instincts of his people. +Just now a wave of religion is sweeping over some of the Southern +States. + +Up to the present two Messiahs and a Daniel have appeared, and several +human sacrifices have been offered up to these incarnations. The Daniel +managed to get three young men, who he insisted were Shadrach, Meshach, +and Abednego, to walk into a blast furnace, guaranteeing non-combustion. +They did not return. I have seen nothing of this kind, but I have +attended a negro church. They pray, or are caused to pray by themselves +in this country. The congregation were moved by the spirit to groans and +tears, and one of them danced up the aisle to the mourners' bench. The +motive may have been genuine. The movements of the shaken body were +those of a Zanzibar stick dance, such as you see at Aden on the +coal-boats, and even as I watched the people, the links that bound them +to the white man snapped one by one, and I saw before me the hubshi +(woolly hair) praying to a God he did not understand. Those neatly +dressed folk on the benches, and the gray-headed elder by the window, +were savages, neither more nor less. + +What will the American do with the negro? The South will not consort +with him. In some States miscegenation is a penal offence. The North is +every year less and less in need of his services. + +And he will not disappear. He will continue as a problem. His friends +will urge that he is as good as the white man. His enemies--well, you +can guess what his enemies will do from a little incident that followed +on a recent appointment by the President. He made a negro an assistant +in a post-office where--think of it!--he had to work at the next desk +to a white girl, the daughter of a colonel, one of the first families +of Georgia's modern chivalry, and all the weary, weary rest of it. +The Southern chivalry howled, and hanged or burned some one in effigy. +Perhaps it was the President, and perhaps it was the negro--but the +principle remains the same. They said it was an insult. It is not good +to be a negro in the land of the free and the home of the brave. + +But this is nothing to do with San Francisco and her merry maidens, her +strong, swaggering men, and her wealth of gold and pride. They bore +me to a banquet in honor of a brave lieutenant--Carlin, of the +"Vandalia"--who stuck by his ship in the great cyclone at Apia and +comported himself as an officer should. On that occasion--'twas at the +Bohemian Club--I heard oratory with the roundest of o's, and devoured a +dinner the memory of which will descend with me into the hungry grave. + +There were about forty speeches delivered, and not one of them was +average or ordinary. It was my first introduction to the American eagle +screaming for all it was worth. The lieutenant's heroism served as a peg +from which the silver-tongued ones turned themselves loose and kicked. + +They ransacked the clouds of sunset, the thunderbolts of heaven, the +deeps of hell, and the splendor of the resurrection for tropes and +metaphors, and hurled the result at the head of the guest of the +evening. + +Never since the morning stars sung together for joy, I learned, had an +amazed creation witnessed such superhuman bravery as that displayed +by the American navy in the Samoa cyclone. Till earth rotted in the +phosphorescent star-and-stripe slime of a decayed universe, that +god-like gallantry would not be forgotten. I grieve that I cannot give +the exact words. My attempt at reproducing their spirit is pale +and inadequate. I sat bewildered on a coruscating Niagara of +blatherum-skite. It was magnificent--it was stupendous--and I was +conscious of a wicked desire to hide my face in a napkin and grin. +Then, according to rule, they produced their dead, and across the snowy +tablecloths dragged the corpse of every man slain in the Civil War, and +hurled defiance at "our natural enemy" (England, so please you), "with +her chain of fortresses across the world." Thereafter they glorified +their nation afresh from the beginning, in case any detail should have +been overlooked, and that made me uncomfortable for their sakes. How in +the world can a white man, a sahib, of our blood, stand up and plaster +praise on his own country? He can think as highly as he likes, but this +open-mouthed vehemence of adoration struck me almost as indelicate. My +hosts talked for rather more than three hours, and at the end seemed +ready for three hours more. + +But when the lieutenant--such a big, brave, gentle giant--rose to his +feet, he delivered what seemed to me as the speech of the evening. +I remember nearly the whole of it, and it ran something in this +way:--"Gentlemen--It's very good of you to give me this dinner and to +tell me all these pretty-things, but what I want you to understand--the +fact is, what we want and what we ought to get at once, is a navy--more +ships--lots of 'em--" + +Then we howled the top of the roof off, and I for one fell in love with +Carlin on the spot. Wallah! He was a man. + +The prince among merchants bid me take no heed to the warlike sentiments +of some of the old generals. + +"The sky-rockets are thrown in for effect," quoth he, "and whenever we +get on our hind legs we always express a desire to chaw up England. It's +a sort of family affair." + +And, indeed, when you come to think of it, there is no other country for +the American public speaker to trample upon. + +France has Germany; we have Russia; for Italy Austria is provided; and +the humblest Pathan possesses an ancestral enemy. + +Only America stands out of the racket, and therefore to be in fashion +makes a sand-bag of the mother country, and hangs her when occasion +requires. + +"The chain of fortresses" man, a fascinating talker, explained to me +after the affair that he was compelled to blow off steam. Everybody +expected it. + +When we had chanted "The Star Spangled Banner" not more than eight +times, we adjourned. America is a very great country, but it is not +yet heaven, with electric lights and plush fittings, as the speakers +professed to believe. My listening mind went back to the politicians +in the saloon, who wasted no time in talking about freedom, but quietly +made arrangements to impose their will on the citizens. + +"The judge is a great man, but give thy presents to the clerk," as the +proverb saith. + +And what more remains to tell? I cannot write connectedly, because I +am in love with all those girls aforesaid, and some others who do not +appear in the invoice. The typewriter is an institution of which the +comic papers make much capital, but she is vastly convenient. She and a +companion rent a room in a business quarter, and, aided by a typewriting +machine, copy MSS. at the rate of six annas a page. Only a woman can +operate a typewriting machine, because she has served apprenticeship to +the sewing machine. She can earn as much as one hundred dollars a +month, and professes to regard this form of bread-winning as her natural +destiny. But, oh! how she hates it in her heart of hearts! When I had +got over the surprise of doing business with and trying to give orders +to a young woman of coldly, clerkly aspect intrenched behind gold-rimmed +spectacles, I made inquiries concerning the pleasures of this +independence. They liked it--indeed they did. 'Twas the natural fate +of almost all girls--the recognized custom in America--and I was a +barbarian not to see it in that light. + +"Well, and after?" said I. "What happens?" + +"We work for our bread." + +"And then what do you expect?" + +"Then we shall work for our bread." + +"Till you die?" + +"Ye-es--unless--" + +"Unless what? This is your business, you know. A man works until he +dies." + +"So shall we"--this without enthusiasm--"I suppose." + +Said the partner in the firm, audaciously:--"Sometimes we marry our +employees--at least, that's what the newspapers say." + +The hand banged on half a dozen of the keys of the machine at once. "Yet +I don't care. I hate it--I hate it--I hate it--and you needn't look so!" + +The senior partner was regarding the rebel with grave-eyed reproach. + +"I thought you did," said I. "I don't suppose American girls are much +different from English ones in instinct." + +"Isn't it Theophile Gautier who says that the only difference between +country and country lie in the slang and the uniform of the police?" + +Now, in the name of all the gods at once, what is one to say to a young +lady (who in England would be a person) who earns her own bread, and +very naturally hates the employ, and slings out-of-the-way quotations at +your head? That one falls in love with her goes without saying, but that +is not enough. + +A mission should be established. + + + + +III. AMERICAN SALMON + +The race is neither to the swift nor the battle to the strong; but time +and chance cometh to all. + +I HAVE lived! + +The American Continent may now sink under the sea, for I have taken the +best that it yields, and the best was neither dollars, love, nor real +estate. + +Hear now, gentlemen of the Punjab Fishing Club, who whip the reaches +of the Tavi, and you who painfully import trout over to Octamund, and I +will tell you how old man California and I went fishing, and you shall +envy. + +We returned from The Dalles to Portland by the way we had come, the +steamer stopping en route to pick up a night's catch of one of the +salmon wheels on the river, and to deliver it at a cannery downstream. + +When the proprietor of the wheel announced that his take was two +thousand two hundred and thirty pounds weight of fish, "and not a heavy +catch neither," I thought he lied. But he sent the boxes aboard, and +I counted the salmon by the hundred--huge fifty-pounders hardly dead, +scores of twenty and thirty pounders, and a host of smaller fish. They +were all Chenook salmon, as distinguished from the "steel head" and the +"silver side." That is to say, they were royal salmon, and California +and I dropped a tear over them, as monarchs who deserved a better fate; +but the lust of slaughter entered into our souls, and we talked fish and +forgot the mountain scenery that had so moved us a day before. + +The steamer halted at a rude wooden warehouse built on piles in a +lonely reach of the river, and sent in the fish. I followed them up a +scale-strewn, fishy incline that led to the cannery. The crazy building +was quivering with the machinery on its floors, and a glittering bank of +tin scraps twenty feet high showed where the waste was thrown after the +cans had been punched. + +Only Chinamen were employed on the work, and they looked like +blood-besmeared yellow devils as they crossed the rifts of sunlight that +lay upon the floor. When our consignment arrived, the rough wooden boxes +broke of themselves as they were dumped down under a jet of water, and +the salmon burst out in a stream of quicksilver. A Chinaman jerked up +a twenty-pounder, beheaded and detailed it with two swift strokes of a +knife, flicked out its internal arrangements with a third, and case it +into a blood-dyed tank. The headless fish leaped from under his hands as +though they were facing a rapid. Other Chinamen pulled them from the vat +and thrust them under a thing like a chaff-cutter, which, descending, +hewed them into unseemly red gobbets fit for the can. + +More Chinamen, with yellow, crooked fingers, jammed the stuff into the +cans, which slid down some marvellous machine forthwith, soldering their +own tops as they passed. Each can was hastily tested for flaws, and then +sunk with a hundred companions into a vat of boiling water, there to +be half cooked for a few minutes. The cans bulged slightly after the +operation, and were therefore slidden along by the trolleyful to men +with needles and soldering-irons who vented them and soldered the +aperture. Except for the label, the "Finest Columbia Salmon" was ready +for the market. I was impressed not so much with the speed of the +manufacture as the character of the factory. Inside, on a floor ninety +by forty, the most civilized and murderous of machinery. Outside, three +footsteps, the thick-growing pines and the immense solitude of the +hills. Our steamer only stayed twenty minutes at that place, but I +counted two hundred and forty finished cans made from the catch of the +previous night ere I left the slippery, blood-stained, scale-spangled, +oily floors and the offal-smeared Chinamen. + +We reached Portland, California and I crying for salmon, and a +real-estate man, to whom we had been intrusted by an insurance man, met +us in the street, saying that fifteen miles away, across country, we +should come upon a place called Clackamas, where we might perchance find +what we desired. And California, his coat-tails flying in the wind, ran +to a livery-stable and chartered a wagon and team forthwith. I could +push the wagon about with one hand, so light was its structure. The team +was purely American--that is to say, almost human in its intelligence +and docility. Some one said that the roads were not good on the way to +Clackamas, and warned us against smashing the springs. "Portland," who +had watched the preparations, finally reckoned "He'd come along, +too;" and under heavenly skies we three companions of a day set forth, +California carefully lashing our rods into the carriage, and the +by-standers overwhelming us with directions as to the saw-mills we were +to pass, the ferries we were to cross, and the sign-posts we were to +seek signs from. Half a mile from this city of fifty thousand souls we +struck (and this must be taken literally) a plank road that would have +been a disgrace to an Irish village. + +Then six miles of macadamized road showed us that the team could move. +A railway ran between us and the banks of the Willamette, and another +above us through the mountains. All the land was dotted with small +townships, and the roads were full of farmers in their town wagons, +bunches of tow-haired, boggle-eyed urchins sitting in the hay behind. +The men generally looked like loafers, but their women were all well +dressed. + +Brown braiding on a tailor-made jacket does not, however, consort with +hay-wagons. Then we struck into the woods along what California called a +camina reale--a good road--and Portland a "fair track." It wound in and +out among fire-blackened stumps under pine-trees, along the corners of +log fences, through hollows, which must be hopeless marsh in the winter, +and up absurd gradients. But nowhere throughout its length did I see any +evidence of road-making. There was a track--you couldn't well get off +it, and it was all you could do to stay on it. The dust lay a foot thick +in the blind ruts, and under the dust we found bits of planking and +bundles of brushwood that sent the wagon bounding into the air. The +journey in itself was a delight. Sometimes we crashed through bracken; +anon, where the blackberries grew rankest, we found a lonely little +cemetery, the wooden rails all awry and the pitiful, stumpy head-stones +nodding drunkenly at the soft green mullions. Then, with oaths and +the sound of rent underwood, a yoke of mighty bulls would swing down a +"skid" road, hauling a forty-foot log along a rudely made slide. + +A valley full of wheat and cherry-trees succeeded, and halting at +a house, we bought ten-pound weight of luscious black cherries for +something less than a rupee, and got a drink of icy-cold water for +nothing, while the untended team browsed sagaciously by the road-side. +Once we found a way-side camp of horse-dealers lounging by a pool, ready +for a sale or a swap, and once two sun-tanned youngsters shot down a +hill on Indian ponies, their full creels banging from the high-pommelled +saddle. They had been fishing, and were our brethren, therefore. We +shouted aloud in chorus to scare a wild cat; we squabbled over the +reasons that had led a snake to cross a road; we heaved bits of bark +at a venturesome chipmunk, who was really the little gray squirrel of +India, and had come to call on me; we lost our way, and got the wagon so +beautifully fixed on a khud-bound road that we had to tie the two hind +wheels to get it down. + +Above all, California told tales of Nevada and Arizona, of lonely nights +spent out prospecting, the slaughter of deer and the chase of men, of +woman--lovely woman--who is a firebrand in a Western city and leads +to the popping of pistols, and of the sudden changes and chances +of Fortune, who delights in making the miner or the lumber-man a +quadruplicate millionaire and in "busting" the railroad king. + +That was a day to be remembered, and it had only begun when we drew rein +at a tiny farm-house on the banks of the Clackamas and sought horse feed +and lodging, ere we hastened to the river that broke over a weir not a +quarter of a mile away. Imagine a stream seventy yards broad divided +by a pebbly island, running over seductive "riffles" and swirling into +deep, quiet pools, where the good salmon goes to smoke his pipe after +meals. Get such a stream amid fields of breast-high crops surrounded +by hills of pines, throw in where you please quiet water, long-fenced +meadows, and a hundred-foot bluff just to keep the scenery from growing +too monotonous, and you will get some faint notion of the Clackamas. +The weir had been erected to pen the Chenook salmon from going further +up-stream. We could see them, twenty or thirty pounds, by the score in +the deep pools, or flying madly against the weir and foolishly skinning +their noses. They were not our prey, for they would not rise at a fly, +and we knew it. All the same, when one made his leap against the weir, +and landed on the foot-plank with a jar that shook the board I was +standing on, I would fain have claimed him for my own capture. + +Portland had no rod. He held the gaff and the whiskey. California +sniffed up-stream and down-stream, across the racing water, chose +his ground, and let the gaudy fly drop in the tail of a riffle. I was +getting my rod together, when I heard the joyous shriek of the reel and +the yells of California, and three feet of living silver leaped into the +air far across the water. The forces were engaged. + +The salmon tore up-stream, the tense line cutting the water like a +tide-rip behind him, and the light bamboo bowed to breaking. What +happened thereafter I cannot tell. California swore and prayed, and +Portland shouted advice, and I did all three for what appeared to be +half a day, but was in reality a little over a quarter of an hour, and +sullenly our fish came home with spurts of temper, dashes head on and +sarabands in the air, but home to the bank came he, and the remorseless +reel gathered up the thread of his life inch by inch. We landed him in +a little bay, and the spring weight in his gorgeous gills checked at +eleven and one half pounds. Eleven and one half pounds of fighting +salmon! We danced a war-dance on the pebbles, and California caught me +round the waist in a hug that went near to breaking my ribs, while he +shouted:--"Partner! Partner! This is glory! Now you catch your fish! +Twenty-four years I've waited for this!" + +I went into that icy-cold river and made my cast just above the weir, +and all but foul-hooked a blue-and-black water-snake with a coral mouth +who coiled herself on a stone and hissed male-dictions. + +The next cast--ah, the pride of it, the regal splendor of it! the thrill +that ran down from finger-tip to toe! Then the water boiled. He broke +for the fly and got it. There remained enough sense in me to give him +all he wanted when he jumped not once, but twenty times, before the +up-stream flight that ran my line out to the last half-dozen turns, and +I saw the nickelled reel-bar glitter under the thinning green coils. My +thumb was burned deep when I strove to stopper the line. + +I did not feel it till later, for my soul was out in the dancing weir, +praying for him to turn ere he took my tackle away. And the prayer was +heard. As I bowed back, the butt of the rod on my left hip-bone and the +top joint dipping like unto a weeping willow, he turned and accepted +each inch of slack that I could by any means get in as a favor from on +high. There lie several sorts of success in this world that taste well +in the moment of enjoyment, but I question whether the stealthy theft of +line from an able-bodied salmon who knows exactly what you are doing and +why you are doing it is not sweeter than any other victory within human +scope. Like California's fish, he ran at me head on, and leaped against +the line, but the Lord gave me two hundred and fifty pairs of fingers in +that hour. The banks and the pine-trees danced dizzily round me, but I +only reeled--reeled as for life--reeled for hours, and at the end of +the reeling continued to give him the butt while he sulked in a pool. +California was further up the reach, and with the corner of my eye I +could see him casting with long casts and much skill. Then he struck, +and my fish broke for the weir in the same instant, and down the reach +we came, California and I, reel answering reel even as the morning stars +sing together. + +The first wild enthusiasm of capture had died away. We were both at +work now in deadly earnest to prevent the lines fouling, to stall off a +down-stream rush for shaggy water just above the weir, and at the same +time to get the fish into the shallow bay down-stream that gave the +best practicable landing. Portland bid us both be of good heart, and +volunteered to take the rod from my hands. + +I would rather have died among the pebbles than surrender my right to +play and land a salmon, weight unknown, with an eight-ounce rod. I +heard California, at my ear, it seemed, gasping: "He's a fighter from +Fightersville, sure!" as his fish made a fresh break across the stream. +I saw Portland fall off a log fence, break the overhanging bank, and +clatter down to the pebbles, all sand and landing-net, and I dropped on +a log to rest for a moment. As I drew breath the weary hands slackened +their hold, and I forgot to give him the butt. + +A wild scutter in the water, a plunge, and a break for the head-waters +of the Clackamas was my reward, and the weary toil of reeling in with +one eye under the water and the other on the top joint of the rod was +renewed. Worst of all, I was blocking California's path to the little +landing bay aforesaid, and he had to halt and tire his prize where he +was. + +"The father of all the salmon!" he shouted. "For the love of Heaven, get +your trout to bank, Johnny Bull!" + +But I could do no more. Even the insult failed to move me. The rest of +the game was with the salmon. He suffered himself to be drawn, skip-ping +with pretended delight at getting to the haven where I would fain bring +him. Yet no sooner did he feel shoal water under his ponderous belly +than he backed like a torpedo-boat, and the snarl of the reel told me +that my labor was in vain. A dozen times, at least, this happened ere +the line hinted he had given up the battle and would be towed in. He was +towed. The landing-net was useless for one of his size, and I would not +have him gaffed. I stepped into the shallows and heaved him out with a +respectful hand under the gill, for which kindness he battered me about +the legs with his tail, and I felt the strength of him and was proud. +California had taken my place in the shallows, his fish hard held. I was +up the bank lying full length on the sweet-scented grass and gasping in +company with my first salmon caught, played and landed on an eight-ounce +rod. My hands were cut and bleeding, I was dripping with sweat, spangled +like a harlequin with scales, water from my waist down, nose peeled by +the sun, but utterly, supremely, and consummately happy. + +The beauty, the darling, the daisy, my Salmon Bahadur, weighed twelve +pounds, and I had been seven-and-thirty minutes bringing him to bank! He +had been lightly hooked on the angle of the right jaw, and the hook had +not wearied him. That hour I sat among princes and crowned heads greater +than them all. Below the bank we heard California scuffling with his +salmon and swearing Spanish oaths. Portland and I assisted at the +capture, and the fish dragged the spring balance out by the roots. It +was only constructed to weigh up to fifteen pounds. We stretched the +three fish on the grass--the eleven and a half, the twelve and fifteen +pounder--and we gave an oath that all who came after should merely be +weighed and put back again. + +How shall I tell the glories of that day so that you may be interested? +Again and again did California and I prance down that reach to the +little bay, each with a salmon in tow, and land him in the shallows. +Then Portland took my rod and caught some ten-pounders, and my spoon was +carried away by an unknown leviathan. Each fish, for the merits of the +three that had died so gamely, was hastily hooked on the balance and +flung back. Portland recorded the weight in a pocket-book, for he was +a real-estate man. Each fish fought for all he was worth, and none more +savagely than the smallest, a game little six-pounder. At the end of +six hours we added up the list. Read it. Total: Sixteen fish; aggregate +weight, one hundred and forty pounds. The score in detail runs something +like this--it is only interesting to those concerned: fifteen, eleven +and a half, twelve, ten, nine and three quarters, eight, and so forth; +as I have said, nothing under six pounds, and three ten-pounders. + +Very solemnly and thankfully we put up our rods--it was glory enough for +all time--and returned weeping in each other's arms, weeping tears of +pure joy, to that simple, bare-legged family in the packing-case house +by the water-side. + +The old farmer recollected days and nights of fierce warfare with the +Indians "way back in the fifties," when every ripple of the Columbia +River and her tributaries hid covert danger. God had dowered him with a +queer, crooked gift of expression and a fierce anxiety for the welfare +of his two little sons--tanned and reserved children, who attended +school daily and spoke good English in a strange tongue. + +His wife was an austere woman, who had once been kindly, and perhaps +handsome. + +Very many years of toil had taken the elasticity out of step and voice. +She looked for nothing better than everlasting work--the chafing +detail of housework--and then a grave somewhere up the hill among the +blackberries and the pines. + +But in her grim way she sympathized with her eldest daughter, a small +and silent maiden of eighteen, who had thoughts very far from the meals +she tended and the pans she scoured. + +We stumbled into the household at a crisis, and there was a deal of +downright humanity in that same. A bad, wicked dress-maker had promised +the maiden a dress in time for a to-morrow's rail-way journey, and +though the barefooted Georgy, who stood in very wholesome awe of his +sister, had scoured the woods on a pony in search, that dress never +arrived. So, with sorrow in her heart and a hundred Sister-Anne glances +up the road, she waited upon the strangers and, I doubt not, cursed them +for the wants that stood between her and her need for tears. It was +a genuine little tragedy. The mother, in a heavy, passionless voice, +rebuked her impatience, yet sat up far into the night, bowed over a heap +of sewing for the daughter's benefit. + +These things I beheld in the long marigold-scented twilight and +whispering night, loafing round the little house with California, who +un-folded himself like a lotus to the moon, or in the little boarded +bunk that was our bedroom, swap-ping tales with Portland and the old +man. + +Most of the yarns began in this way:--"Red Larry was a bull-puncher back +of Lone County, Montana," or "There was a man riding the trail met a +jack-rabbit sitting in a cactus," or "'Bout the time of the San Diego +land boom, a woman from Monterey," etc. + +You can try to piece out for yourselves what sort of stories they were. + + + + +IV. THE YELLOWSTONE + +ONCE upon a time there was a carter who brought his team and a friend +into the Yellowstone Park without due thought. Presently they came upon +a few of the natural beauties of the place, and that carter turned his +team into his friend's team, howling:--"Get out o' this, Jim. All hell's +alight under our noses!" + +And they called the place Hell's Half-Acre to this day to witness if the +carter lied. + +We, too, the old lady from Chicago, her husband, Tom, and the good +little mares, came to Hell's Half-Acre, which is about sixty acres in +extent, and when Tom said:--"Would you like to drive over it?" + +We said:--"Certainly not, and if you do we shall report you to the park +authorities." + +There was a plain, blistered, peeled, and abominable, and it was given +over to the sportings and spoutings of devils who threw mud, and steam, +and dirt at each other with whoops, and halloos, and bellowing curses. + +The places smelled of the refuse of the pit, and that odor mixed with +the clean, wholesome aroma of the pines in our nostrils throughout the +day. + +This Yellowstone Park is laid out like Ollendorf, in exercises of +progressive difficulty. Hell's Half-Acre was a prelude to ten or twelve +miles of geyser formation. + +We passed hot streams boiling in the forest; saw whiffs of steam beyond +these, and yet other whiffs breaking through the misty green hills in +the far distance; we trampled on sulphur in crystals, and sniffed things +much worse than any sulphur which is known to the upper world; and so +journeying, bewildered with the novelty, came upon a really park-like +place where Tom suggested we should get out and play with the geysers on +foot. + +Imagine mighty green fields splattered with lime-beds, all the flowers +of the summer growing up to the very edge of the lime. That was our +first glimpse of the geyser basins. + +The buggy had pulled up close to a rough, broken, blistered cone of +spelter stuff between ten and twenty feet high. There was trouble in +that place--moaning, splashing, gurgling, and the clank of machinery. +A spurt of boiling water jumped into the air, and a wash of water +followed. + +I removed swiftly. The old lady from Chicago shrieked. "What a wicked +waste!" said her husband. + +I think they call it the Riverside Geyser. Its spout was torn and ragged +like the mouth of a gun when a shell has burst there. It grumbled madly +for a moment or two, and then was still. I crept over the steaming +lime--it was the burning marl on which Satan lay--and looked fearfully +down its mouth. You should never look a gift geyser in the mouth. + +I beheld a horrible, slippery, slimy funnel with water rising and +falling ten feet at a time. Then the water rose to lip level with a +rush, and an infernal bubbling troubled this Devil's Bethesda before +the sullen heave of the crest of a wave lapped over the edge and made me +run. + +Mark the nature of the human soul! I had begun with awe, not to say +terror, for this was my first experience of such things. I stepped back +from the banks of the Riverside Geyser, saying:--"Pooh! Is that all it +can do?" + +Yet for aught I knew, the whole thing might have blown up at a minute's +notice, she, he, or it being an arrangement of uncertain temper. + +We drifted on, up that miraculous valley. On either side of us were +hills from a thousand or fifteen hundred feet high, wooded from crest to +heel. As far as the eye could range forward were columns of steam in the +air, misshapen lumps of lime, mist-like preadamite monsters, still pools +of turquoise-blue stretches of blue corn-flowers, a river that coiled on +itself twenty times, pointed bowlders of strange colors, and ridges of +glaring, staring white. + +A moon-faced trooper of German extraction--never was park so carefully +patrolled--came up to inform us that as yet we had not seen any of +the real geysers; that they were all a mile or so up the valley, and +tastefully scattered round the hotel in which we would rest for the +night. + +America is a free country, but the citizens look down on the soldier. I +had to entertain that trooper. The old lady from Chicago would have none +of him; so we loafed alone together, now across half-rotten pine logs +sunk in swampy ground, anon over the ringing geyser formation, then +pounding through river-sand or brushing knee-deep through long grass. + +"And why did you enlist?" said I. + +The moon-faced one's face began to work. I thought he would have a fit, +but he told me a story instead--such a nice tale of a naughty little +girl who wrote pretty love letters to two men at once. She was a simple +village wife, but a wicked "family novelette" countess couldn't have +accomplished her ends better. She drove one man nearly wild with the +pretty little treachery, and the other man abandoned her and came West +to forget the trickery. + +Moon-face was that man. + +We rounded and limped over a low spur of hill, and came out upon a field +of aching, snowy lime rolled in sheets, twisted into knots, riven with +rents, and diamonds, and stars, stretching for more than half a mile in +every direction. + +On this place of despair lay most of the big, bad geysers who know when +there is trouble in Krakatoa, who tell the pines when there is a cyclone +on the Atlantic seaboard, and who are exhibited to visitors under pretty +and fanciful names. + +The first mound that I encountered belonged to a goblin who was +splashing in his tub. + +I heard him kick, pull a shower-bath on his shoulders, gasp, crack his +joints, and rub himself down with a towel; then he let the water out of +the bath, as a thoughtful man should, and it all sunk down out of sight +till another goblin arrived. + +So we looked and we wondered at the Beehive, whose mouth is built up +exactly like a hive, at the Turban (which is not in the least like a +turban), and at many, many other geysers, hot holes, and springs. Some +of them rumbled, some hissed, some went off spasmodically, and others +lay dead still in sheets of sapphire and beryl. + +Would you believe that even these terrible creatures have to be guarded +by the troopers to prevent the irreverent Americans from chipping the +cones to pieces, or, worse still, making the geyser sick? If you take a +small barrel full of soft-soap and drop it down a geyser's mouth, that +geyser will presently be forced to lay all before you, and for days +afterward will be of an irritated and inconstant stomach. + +When they told me the tale I was filled with sympathy. Now I wish that +I had soft-soap and tried the experiment on some lonely little beast far +away in the woods. It sounds so probable and so human. + +Yet he would be a bold man who would administer emetics to the Giantess. +She is flat-lipped, having no mouth; she looks like a pool, fifty +feet long and thirty wide, and there is no ornamentation about her. At +irregular intervals she speaks and sends up a volume of water over +two hundred feet high to begin with, then she is angry for a day and a +half--sometimes for two days. + +Owing to her peculiarity of going mad in the night, not many people have +seen the Giantess at her finest; but the clamor of her unrest, men say, +shakes the wooden hotel, and echoes like thunder among the hills. + +The congregation returned to the hotel to put down their impressions +in diaries and note-books, which they wrote up ostentatiously in the +verandas. It was a sweltering hot day, albeit we stood some-what higher +than the level of Simla, and I left that raw pine creaking caravansary +for the cool shade of a clump of pines between whose trunks glimmered +tents. + +A batch of United States troopers came down the road and flung +themselves across the country into their rough lines. The Mexican +cavalryman can ride, though he keeps his accoutrements pig-fashion and +his horse cow-fashion. + +I was free of that camp in five minutes--free to play with the heavy, +lumpy carbines, have the saddles stripped, and punch the horses +knowingly in the ribs. One of the men had been in the fight with +"Wrap-up-his-Tail," and he told me how that great chief, his horse's +tail tied up in red calico, swaggered in front of the United States +cavalry, challenging all to single combat. But he was slain, and a few +of his tribe with him. + +"There's no use in an Indian, anyway," concluded my friend. + +A couple of cow-boys--real cow-boys--jingled through the camp amid a +shower of mild chaff. They were on their way to Cook City, I fancy, +and I know that they never washed. But they were picturesque ruffians +exceedingly, with long spurs, hooded stirrups, slouch hats, fur +weather-cloth over their knees, and pistol-butts just easy to hand. + +"The cow-boy's goin' under before long," said my friend. "Soon as the +country's settled up he'll have to go. But he's mighty useful now. What +would we do without the cow-boy?" + +"As how?" said I, and the camp laughed. + +"He has the money. We have the skill. He comes in winter to play poker +at the military posts. We play poker--a few. When he's lost his money we +make him drunk and let him go. Sometimes we get the wrong man." + +And he told me a tale of an innocent cow-boy who turned up, cleaned out, +at an army post, and played poker for thirty-six hours. But it was +the post that was cleaned out when that long-haired Caucasian removed +himself, heavy with everybody's pay and declining the proffered liquor. + +"Noaw," said the historian, "I don't play with no cow-boy unless he's a +little bit drunk first." + +Ere I departed I gathered from more than one man the significant fact +that up to one hundred yards he felt absolutely secure behind his +revolver. + +"In England, I understand," quoth the limber youth from the South,--"in +England a man isn't allowed to play with no fire-arms. He's got to be +taught all that when he enlists. I didn't want much teaching how to +shoot straight 'fore I served Uncle Sam. And that's just where it is. +But you was talking about your Horse Guards now?" + +I explained briefly some peculiarities of equipment connected with our +crackest crack cavalry. I grieve to say the camp roared. + +"Take 'em over swampy ground. Let 'em run around a bit an' work the +starch out of 'em, an' then, Almighty, if we wouldn't plug 'em at ease +I'd eat their horses." + +There was a maiden--a very little maiden--who had just stepped out of +one of James's novels. She owned a delightful mother and an equally +delightful father--a heavy-eyed, slow-voiced man of finance. The parents +thought that their daughter wanted change. + +She lived in New Hampshire. Accordingly, she had dragged them up to +Alaska and to the Yosemite Valley, and was now returning leisurely, via +the Yellowstone, just in time for the tail-end of the summer season at +Saratoga. + +We had met once or twice before in the park, and I had been amazed and +amused at her critical commendation of the wonders that she saw. +From that very resolute little mouth I received a lecture on American +literature, the nature and inwardness of Washington society, the precise +value of Cable's works as compared with Uncle Remus Harris, and a few +other things that had nothing whatever to do with geysers, but were +altogether pleasant. + +Now, an English maiden who had stumbled on a dust-grimed, lime-washed, +sun-peeled, collarless wanderer come from and going to goodness knows +where, would, her mother inciting her and her father brandishing an +umbrella, have regarded him as a dissolute adventurer--a person to be +disregarded. + +Not so those delightful people from New Hampshire. They were good enough +to treat him--it sounds almost incredible--as a human being, possibly +respectable, probably not in immediate need of financial assistance. + +Papa talked pleasantly and to the point. + +The little maiden strove valiantly with the accent of her birth and that +of her rearing, and mamma smiled benignly in the background. + +Balance this with a story of a young English idiot I met mooning about +inside his high collar, attended by a valet. He condescended to tell +me that "you can't be too careful who you talk to in these parts." And +stalked on, fearing, I suppose, every minute for his social chastity. + +That man was a barbarian (I took occasion to tell him so), for he +comported himself after the manner of the head-hunters and hunted of +Assam who are at perpetual feud one with another. + +You will understand that these foolish stories are introduced in order +to cover the fact that this pen cannot describe the glories of the Upper +Geyser Basin. The evening I spent under the lee of the Castle Geyser, +sitting on a log with some troopers and watching a baronial keep forty +feet high spouting hot water. If the Castle went off first, they said +the Giantess would be quiet, and vice versa, and then they told tales +till the moon got up and a party of campers in the woods gave us all +something to eat. + +Then came soft, turfy forest that deadened the wheels, and two +troopers on detachment duty stole noiselessly behind us. One was the +Wrap-up-his-Tail man, and they talked merrily while the half-broken +horses bucked about among the trees. And so a cavalry escort was with +us for a mile, till we got to a mighty hill strewn with moss agates, +and everybody had to jump out and pant in that thin air. But how +intoxicating it was! The old lady from Chicago ducked like an +emancipated hen as she scuttled about the road, cramming pieces of rock +into her reticule. She sent me fifty yards down to the hill-side to pick +up a piece of broken bottle which she insisted was moss agate. + +"I've some o' that at home, an' they shine. Yes, you go get it, young +man." + +As we climbed the long path the road grew viler and viler till it +became, without disguise, the bed of a torrent; and just when things +were at their rockiest we nearly fell into a little sapphire lake--but +never sapphire was so blue--called Mary's Lake; and that between eight +and nine thousand feet above the sea. + +Afterward, grass downs, all on a vehement slope, so that the buggy, +following the new-made road, ran on the two off-wheels mostly till we +dipped head-first into a ford, climbed up a cliff, raced along down, +dipped again, and pulled up dishevelled at "Larry's" for lunch and an +hour's rest. + +Then we lay on the grass and laughed with sheer bliss of being alive. +This have I known once in Japan, once on the banks of the Columbia, what +time the salmon came in and California howled, and once again in the +Yellowstone by the light of the eyes of the maiden from New Hampshire. +Four little pools lay at my elbow, one was of black water (tepid), one +clear water (cold), one clear water (hot), one red water (boiling). +My newly washed handkerchief covered them all, and we two marvelled as +children marvel. + +"This evening we shall do the Grand Canyon of the Yellowstone," said the +maiden. + +"Together?" said I; and she said, "Yes." + +The sun was beginning to sink when we heard the roar of falling waters +and came to a broad river along whose banks we ran. And then--I might +at a pinch describe the infernal regions, but not the other place. The +Yellowstone River has occasion to run through a gorge about eight miles +long. To get to the bottom of the gorge it makes two leaps, one of +about one hundred and twenty and the other of three hundred feet. I +investigated the upper or lesser fall, which is close to the hotel. + +Up to that time nothing particular happens to the Yellowstone--its banks +being only rocky, rather steep, and plentifully adorned with pines. + +At the falls it comes round a corner, green, solid, ribbed with a little +foam, and not more than thirty yards wide. Then it goes over, still +green, and rather more solid than before. After a minute or two, you, +sitting upon a rock directly above the drop, begin to understand that +something has occurred; that the river has jumped between solid cliff +walls, and that the gentle froth of water lapping the sides of the gorge +below is really the outcome of great waves. + +And the river yells aloud; but the cliffs do not allow the yells to +escape. + +That inspection began with curiosity and finished in terror, for it +seemed that the whole world was sliding in chrysolite from under my +feet. I followed with the others round the corner to arrive at the brink +of the canyon. We had to climb up a nearly perpendicular ascent to begin +with, for the ground rises more than the river drops. Stately pine woods +fringe either lip of the gorge, which is the gorge of the Yellowstone. +You'll find all about it in the guide books. + +All that I can say is that without warning or preparation I looked into +a gulf seventeen hundred feet deep, with eagles and fish-hawks +circling far below. And the sides of that gulf were one wild welter of +color--crimson, emerald, cobalt, ochre, amber, honey splashed with port +wine, snow white, vermilion, lemon, and silver gray in wide washes. The +sides did not fall sheer, but were graven by time, and water, and air +into monstrous heads of kings, dead chiefs--men and women of the old +time. So far below that no sound of its strife could reach us, the +Yellowstone River ran a finger-wide strip of jade green. + +The sunlight took those wondrous walls and gave fresh hues to those that +nature had already laid there. + +Evening crept through the pines that shadowed us, but the full glory +of the day flamed in that canyon as we went out very cautiously to +a jutting piece of rock--blood-red or pink it was--that overhung the +deepest deeps of all. + +Now I know what it is to sit enthroned amid the clouds of sunset as the +spirits sit in Blake's pictures. Giddiness took away all sensation of +touch or form, but the sense of blinding color remained. + +When I reached the mainland again I had sworn that I had been floating. + +The maid from New Hampshire said no word for a very long time. Then she +quoted poetry, which was perhaps the best thing she could have done. + +"And to think that this show-place has been going on all these days an' +none of we ever saw it," said the old lady from Chicago, with an acid +glance at her husband. + +"No, only the Injians," said he, unmoved; and the maiden and I laughed. + +Inspiration is fleeting, beauty is vain, and the power of the mind for +wonder limited. Though the shining hosts themselves had risen choiring +from the bottom of the gorge, they would not have prevented her papa +and one baser than he from rolling stones down those stupendous +rainbow-washed slides. Seventeen hundred feet of steep-est pitch and +rather more than seventeen hundred colors for log or bowlder to whirl +through! + +So we heaved things and saw them gather way and bound from white rock to +red or yellow, dragging behind them torrents of color, till the noise of +their descent ceased and they bounded a hundred yards clear at the last +into the Yellowstone. + +"I've been down there," said Tom, that evening. "It's easy to get down +if you're careful--just sit an' slide; but getting up is worse. An' +I found down below there two stones just marked with a picture of the +canyon. I wouldn't sell these rocks not for fifteen dollars." + +And papa and I crawled down to the Yellowstone--just above the first +little fall--to wet a line for good luck. The round moon came up and +turned the cliffs and pines into silver; and a two-pound trout came up +also, and we slew him among the rocks, nearly tumbling into that wild +river. + + . . . . . . + +Then out and away to Livingstone once more. The maiden from New +Hampshire disappeared, papa and mamma with her. Disappeared, too, the +old lady from Chicago, and the others. + + + + +V. CHICAGO + + "I know thy cunning and thy greed, + Thy hard high lust and wilful deed, + And all thy glory loves to tell + Of specious gifts material." + +I HAVE struck a city--a real city--and they call it Chicago. + +The other places do not count. San Francisco was a pleasure-resort as +well as a city, and Salt Lake was a phenomenon. + +This place is the first American city I have encountered. It holds +rather more than a million of people with bodies, and stands on the same +sort of soil as Calcutta. Having seen it, I urgently desire never to +see it again. It is inhabited by savages. Its water is the water of the +Hooghly, and its air is dirt. Also it says that it is the "boss" town of +America. + +I do not believe that it has anything to do with this country. They told +me to go to the Palmer House, which is overmuch gilded and mirrored, +and there I found a huge hall of tessellated marble crammed with people +talking about money, and spitting about everywhere. Other barbarians +charged in and out of this inferno with letters and telegrams in their +hands, and yet others shouted at each other. A man who had drunk quite +as much as was good for him told me that this was "the finest hotel in +the finest city on God Almighty's earth." By the way, when an American +wishes to indicate the next country or state, he says, "God A'mighty's +earth." This prevents discussion and flatters his vanity. + +Then I went out into the streets, which are long and flat and without +end. And verily it is not a good thing to live in the East for any +length of time. Your ideas grow to clash with those held by every +right-thinking man. I looked down interminable vistas flanked with nine, +ten, and fifteen-storied houses, and crowded with men and women, and the +show impressed me with a great horror. + +Except in London--and I have forgotten what London was like--I had +never seen so many white people together, and never such a collection of +miserables. There was no color in the street and no beauty--only a maze +of wire ropes overhead and dirty stone flagging under foot. + +A cab-driver volunteered to show me the glory of the town for so much +an hour, and with him I wandered far. He conceived that all this turmoil +and squash was a thing to be reverently admired, that it was good to +huddle men together in fifteen layers, one atop of the other, and to dig +holes in the ground for offices. + +He said that Chicago was a live town, and that all the creatures +hurrying by me were engaged in business. That is to say they were trying +to make some money that they might not die through lack of food to put +into their bellies. He took me to canals as black as ink, and filled +with un-told abominations, and bid me watch the stream of traffic across +the bridges. + +He then took me into a saloon, and while I drank made me note that the +floor was covered with coins sunk in cement. A Hottentot would not have +been guilty of this sort of barbarism. The coins made an effect pretty +enough, but the man who put them there had no thought of beauty, and, +therefore, he was a savage. + +Then my cab-driver showed me business blocks gay with signs and studded +with fantastic and absurd advertisements of goods, and looking down the +long street so adorned, it was as though each vender stood at his door +howling:--"For the sake of my money, employ or buy of me, and me only!" + +Have you ever seen a crowd at a famine-relief distribution? You know +then how the men leap into the air, stretching out their arms above the +crowd in the hope of being seen, while the women dolorously slap the +stomachs of their children and whimper. I had sooner watch famine relief +than the white man engaged in what he calls legitimate competition. The +one I understand. The other makes me ill. + +And the cabman said that these things were the proof of progress, and +by that I knew he had been reading his newspaper, as every intelligent +American should. The papers tell their clientele in language fitted to +their comprehension that the snarling together of telegraph-wires, the +heaving up of houses, and the making of money is progress. + +I spent ten hours in that huge wilderness, wandering through scores of +miles of these terrible streets and jostling some few hundred thousand +of these terrible people who talked paisa bat through their noses. + +The cabman left me; but after awhile I picked up another man, who was +full of figures, and into my ears he poured them as occasion required or +the big blank factories suggested. Here they turned out so many hundred +thousand dollars' worth of such and such an article; there so many +million other things; this house was worth so many million dollars; +that one so many million, more or less. It was like listening to a child +babbling of its hoard of shells. It was like watching a fool playing +with buttons. But I was expected to do more than listen or watch. +He demanded that I should admire; and the utmost that I could say +was:--"Are these things so? Then I am very sorry for you." + +That made him angry, and he said that insular envy made me unresponsive. +So, you see, I could not make him understand. + +About four and a half hours after Adam was turned out of the Garden of +Eden he felt hungry, and so, bidding Eve take care that her head was not +broken by the descending fruit, shinned up a cocoanut-palm. That hurt +his legs, cut his breast, and made him breathe heavily, and Eve was +tormented with fear lest her lord should miss his footing, and so bring +the tragedy of this world to an end ere the curtain had fairly risen. +Had I met Adam then, I should have been sorry for him. To-day I find +eleven hundred thousand of his sons just as far advanced as their father +in the art of getting food, and immeasurably inferior to him in +that they think that their palm-trees lead straight to the skies. +Consequently, I am sorry in rather more than a million different ways. + +In the East bread comes naturally, even to the poorest, by a little +scratching or the gift of a friend not quite so poor. In less favored +countries one is apt to forget. Then I went to bed. And that was on a +Saturday night. + +Sunday brought me the queerest experiences of all--a revelation of +barbarism complete. I found a place that was officially described as a +church. It was a circus really, but that the worshippers did not know. +There were flowers all about the building, which was fitted up +with plush and stained oak and much luxury, including twisted brass +candlesticks of severest Gothic design. + +To these things and a congregation of savages entered suddenly a +wonderful man, completely in the confidence of their God, whom he +treated colloquially and exploited very much as a newspaper reporter +would exploit a foreign potentate. But, unlike the newspaper reporter, +he never allowed his listeners to forget that he, and not He, was the +centre of attraction. With a voice of silver and with imagery borrowed +from the auction-room, he built up for his hearers a heaven on the lines +of the Palmer House (but with all the gilding real gold, and all +the plate-glass diamond), and set in the centre of it a loud-voiced, +argumentative, very shrewd creation that he called God. One sentence at +this point caught my delighted ear. It was apropos of some question of +the Judgment, and ran:--"No! I tell you God doesn't do business that +way." + +He was giving them a deity whom they could comprehend, and a gold +and jewelled heaven in which they could take a natural interest. He +interlarded his performance with the slang of the streets, the counter, +and the exchange, and he said that religion ought to enter into daily +life. Consequently, I presume he introduced it as daily life--his own +and the life of his friends. + +Then I escaped before the blessing, desiring no benediction at such +hands. But the persons who listened seemed to enjoy themselves, and I +understood that I had met with a popular preacher. + +Later on, when I had perused the sermons of a gentleman called Talmage +and some others, I perceived that I had been listening to a very mild +specimen. Yet that man, with his brutal gold and silver idols, his +hands-in-pocket, cigar-in-mouth, and hat-on-the-back-of-the-head style +of dealing with the sacred vessels, would count himself, spiritually, +quite competent to send a mission to convert the Indians. + +All that Sunday I listened to people who said that the mere fact of +spiking down strips of iron to wood, and getting a steam and iron thing +to run along them was progress, that the telephone was progress, and the +net-work of wires overhead was progress. They repeated their statements +again and again. + +One of them took me to their City Hall and Board of Trade works, and +pointed it out with pride. It was very ugly, but very big, and the +streets in front of it were narrow and unclean. When I saw the faces of +the men who did business in that building, I felt that there had been a +mistake in their billeting. + +By the way, 'tis a consolation to feel that I am not writing to an +English audience. Then I should have to fall into feigned ecstasies over +the marvellous progress of Chicago since the days of the great fire, to +allude casually to the raising of the entire city so many feet above +the level of the lake which it faces, and generally to grovel before the +golden calf. But you, who are desperately poor, and therefore by these +standards of no ac-count, know things, will understand when I write that +they have managed to get a million of men together on flat land, and +that the bulk of these men together appear to be lower than Mahajans and +not so companionable as a Punjabi Jat after harvest. + +But I don't think it was the blind hurry of the people, their argot, and +their grand ignorance of things beyond their immediate interests that +displeased me so much as a study of the daily papers of Chicago. + +Imprimis, there was some sort of a dispute between New York and Chicago +as to which town should give an exhibition of products to be hereafter +holden, and through the medium of their more dignified journals the +two cities were yahooing and hi-yi-ing at each other like opposition +newsboys. They called it humor, but it sounded like something quite +different. + +That was only the first trouble. The second lay in the tone of the +productions. Leading articles which include gems such as "Back of such +and such a place," or, "We noticed, Tuesday, such an event," or, "don't" +for "does not," are things to be accepted with thankfulness. All that +made me want to cry was that in these papers were faithfully reproduced +all the war-cries and "back-talk" of the Palmer House bar, the slang of +the barber-shops, the mental elevation and integrity of the Pullman car +porter, the dignity of the dime museum, and the accuracy of the excited +fish-wife. I am sternly forbidden to believe that the paper educates +the public. Then I am compelled to believe that the public educate the +paper; yet suicides on the press are rare. + +Just when the sense of unreality and oppression was strongest upon me, +and when I most wanted help, a man sat at my side and began to talk what +he called politics. + +I had chanced to pay about six shillings for a travelling-cap worth +eighteen-pence, and he made of the fact a text for a sermon. He said +that this was a rich country, and that the people liked to pay two +hundred per cent, on the value of a thing. They could afford it. He said +that the government imposed a protective duty of from ten to seventy +per cent on foreign-made articles, and that the American manufacturer +consequently could sell his goods for a healthy sum. Thus an imported +hat would, with duty, cost two guineas. The American manufacturer would +make a hat for seventeen shillings, and sell it for one pound fifteen. +In these things, he said, lay the greatness of America and the +effeteness of England. Competition between factory and factory kept the +prices down to decent limits, but I was never to forget that this people +were a rich people, not like the pauper Continentals, and that they +enjoyed paying duties. + +To my weak intellect this seemed rather like juggling with counters. +Everything that I have yet purchased costs about twice as much as it +would in England, and when native made is of inferior quality. + +Moreover, since these lines were first thought of, I have visited a +gentleman who owned a factory which used to produce things. He owned the +factory still. Not a man was in it, but he was drawing a handsome income +from a syndicate of firms for keeping it closed, in order that it might +not produce things. This man said that if protection were abandoned, +a tide of pauper labor would flood the country, and as I looked at his +factory I thought how entirely better it was to have no labor of any +kind whatever rather than face so horrible a future. + +Meantime, do you remember that this peculiar country enjoys paying money +for value not received? I am an alien, and for the life of me I cannot +see why six shillings should be paid for eighteen-penny caps, or eight +shillings for half-crown cigar-cases. When the country fills up to a +decently populated level a few million people who are not aliens will be +smitten with the same sort of blindness. + +But my friend's assertion somehow thoroughly suited the grotesque +ferocity of Chicago. + +See now and judge! In the village of Isser Jang, on the road to +Montgomery, there be four Changar women who winnow corn--some seventy +bushels a year. Beyond their hut lives Purun Dass, the money-lender, who +on good security lends as much as five thousand rupees in a year. Jowala +Singh, the smith, mends the village plows--some thirty, broken at the +share, in three hundred and sixty-five days; and Hukm Chund, who is +letter-writer and head of the little club under the travellers' tree, +generally keeps the village posted in such gossip as the barber and the +mid-wife have not yet made public property. + +Chicago husks and winnows her wheat by the million bushels, a hundred +banks lend hundreds of millions of dollars in the year, and scores of +factories turn out plow-gear and machinery by steam. Scores of daily +papers do work which Hukm Chund and the barber and the midwife perform, +with due regard for public opinion, in the village of Isser Jang. So +far as manufactories go, the difference between Chicago on the lake, +and Isser Jang on the Montgomery road, is one of degree only, and not of +kind. As far as the understanding of the uses of life goes, Isser Jang, +for all its seasonal cholers, has the advantage over Chicago. + +Jowala Singh knows and takes care to avoid the three or four +ghoul-haunted fields on the outskirts of the village; but he is not +urged by millions of devils to run about all day in the sun and swear +that his plowshares are the best in the Punjab; nor does Purun Dass +fly forth in an ekka more than once or twice a year, and he knows, on +a pinch, how to use the railway and the telegraph as well as any son of +Israel in Chicago. But this is absurd. + +The East is not the West, and these men must continue to deal with the +machinery of life, and to call it progress. Their very preachers +dare not rebuke them. They gloss over the hunting for money and the +thrice-sharpened bitterness of Adam's curse, by saying that such things +dower a man with a larger range of thoughts and higher aspirations. They +do not say, "Free yourselves from your own slavery," but rather, "If you +can possibly manage it, do not set quite so much store on the things of +this world." + +And they do not know what the things of this world are! + +I went off to see cattle killed, by way of clearing my head, which, as +you will perceive, was getting muddled. They say every Englishman goes +to the Chicago stock-yards. You shall find them about six miles from the +city; and once having seen them, you will never forget the sight. + +As far as the eye can reach stretches a town-ship of cattle-pens, +cunningly divided into blocks, so that the animals of any pen can be +speedily driven out close to an inclined timber path which leads to an +elevated covered way straddling high above the pens. These viaducts are +two-storied. On the upper story tramp the doomed cattle, stolidly +for the most part. On the lower, with a scuffling of sharp hoofs and +multitudinous yells, run the pigs, the same end being appointed for +each. Thus you will see the gangs of cattle waiting their turn--as they +wait sometimes for days; and they need not be distressed by the sight of +their fellows running about in the fear of death. All they know is that +a man on horseback causes their next-door neighbors to move by means of +a whip. Certain bars and fences are unshipped, and behold! that crowd +have gone up the mouth of a sloping tunnel and return no more. + +It is different with the pigs. They shriek back the news of the exodus +to their friends, and a hundred pens skirl responsive. + +It was to the pigs I first addressed myself. Selecting a viaduct which +was full of them, as I could hear, though I could not see, I marked a +sombre building whereto it ran, and went there, not unalarmed by stray +cattle who had managed to escape from their proper quarters. A pleasant +smell of brine warned me of what was coming. I entered the factory +and found it full of pork in barrels, and on another story more pork +un-barrelled, and in a huge room the halves of swine, for whose behoof +great lumps of ice were being pitched in at the window. That room was +the mortuary chamber where the pigs lay for a little while in state ere +they began their progress through such passages as kings may sometimes +travel. + +Turning a corner, and not noting an overhead arrangement of greased +rail, wheel, and pulley, I ran into the arms of four eviscerated +carcasses, all pure white and of a human aspect, pushed by a man clad in +vehement red. When I leaped aside, the floor was slippery under me. Also +there was a flavor of farm-yard in my nostrils and the shouting of a +multitude in my ears. But there was no joy in that shouting. Twelve men +stood in two lines six a side. Between them and overhead ran the railway +of death that had nearly shunted me through the window. Each man carried +a knife, the sleeves of his shirt were cut off at the elbows, and from +bosom to heel he was blood-red. + +Beyond this perspective was a column of steam, and beyond that was +where I worked my awe-struck way, unwilling to touch beam or wall. The +atmosphere was stifling as a night in the rains by reason of the steam +and the crowd. I climbed to the beginning of things and, perched upon a +narrow beam, overlooked very nearly all the pigs ever bred in Wisconsin. +They had just been shot out of the mouth of the viaduct and huddled +together in a large pen. Thence they were flicked persuasively, a few +at a time, into a smaller chamber, and there a man fixed tackle on their +hinder legs, so that they rose in the air, suspended from the railway of +death. + +Oh! it was then they shrieked and called on their mothers, and made +promises of amendment, till the tackle-man punted them in their backs +and they slid head down into a brick-floored passage, very like a big +kitchen sink, that was blood-red. There awaited them a red man with +a knife, which he passed jauntily through their throats, and the +full-voiced shriek became a splutter, and then a fall as of heavy +tropical rain, and the red man, who was backed against the passage-wall, +you will understand, stood clear of the wildly kicking hoofs and passed +his hand over his eyes, not from any feeling of compassion, but because +the spurted blood was in his eyes, and he had barely time to stick the +next arrival. Then that first stuck swine dropped, still kicking, into +a great vat of boiling water, and spoke no more words, but wallowed +in obedience to some unseen machinery, and presently came forth at +the lower end of the vat, and was heaved on the blades of a blunt +paddle-wheel, things which said "Hough, hough, hough!" and skelped all +the hair off him, except what little a couple of men with knives could +remove. + +Then he was again hitched by the heels to that said railway, and passed +down the line of the twelve men, each man with a knife--losing with each +man a certain amount of his individuality, which was taken away in a +wheel-barrow, and when he reached the last man he was very beautiful +to behold, but excessively unstuffed and limp. Preponderance of +individuality was ever a bar to foreign travel. That pig could have been +in case to visit you in India had he not parted with some of his most +cherished notions. + +The dissecting part impressed me not so much as the slaying. They were +so excessively alive, these pigs. And then, they were so excessively +dead, and the man in the dripping, clammy, not passage did not seem to +care, and ere the blood of such a one had ceased to foam on the floor, +such another and four friends with him had shrieked and died. But a pig +is only the unclean animal--the forbidden of the prophet. + + + + +VI. THE AMERICAN ARMY + +I SHOULD very much like to deliver a dissertation on the American army +and the possibilities of its extension. You see, it is such a beautiful +little army, and the dear people don't quite understand what to do with +it. The theory is that it is an instructional nucleus round which +the militia of the country will rally, and from which they will get a +stiffening in time of danger. Yet other people consider that the +army should be built, like a pair of lazy tongs--on the principle of +elasticity and extension--so that in time of need it may fill up its +skeleton battalions and empty saddle troops. This is real wisdom, +be-cause the American army, as at present constituted, is made up +of:--Twenty-five regiments infantry, ten companies each. + +Ten regiments cavalry, twelve companies each. + +Five regiments artillery, twelve companies each. + +Now there is a notion in the air to reorganize the service on these +lines:--Eighteen regiments infantry at four battalions, four companies +each; third battalion, skeleton; fourth on paper. + +Eight regiments cavalry at four battalions, four troops each; third +battalion, skeleton; fourth on paper. + +Five regiments artillery at four battalions, four companies each; third +battalion, skeleton; fourth on paper. + +Observe the beauty of this business. The third battalion will have its +officers, but no men; the fourth will probably have a rendezvous and +some equipment. + +It is not contemplated to give it anything more definite at present. +Assuming the regiments to be made up to full complement, we get an army +of fifty thousand men, which after the need passes away must be cut down +fifty per cent, to the huge delight of the officers. + +The military needs of the States be three: (a) Frontier warfare, an +employment well within the grip of the present army of twenty-five +thousand, and in the nature of things growing less arduous year by year; +(b) internal riots and commotions which rise up like a dust devil, whirl +furiously, and die out long before the authorities at Washington could +begin to fill up even the third skeleton battalions, much less hunt +about for material for the fourth; (c) civil war, in which, as the case +in the affair of the North and South, the regular army would be swamped +in the mass of militia and armed volunteers would turn the land into a +hell. + +Yet the authorities persist in regarding an external war as a thing to +be seriously considered. + +The Power that would disembark troops on American soil would be capable +of heaving a shovelful of mud into the Atlantic in the hope of filling +it up. Consequently, the authorities are fascinated with the idea of the +sliding scale or concertina army. This is an hereditary instinct, for +you know that when we English have got together two companies, one +machine gun, a sick bullock, forty generals, and a mass of W. O. forms, +we say we possess "an army corps capable of indefinite extension." + +The American army is a beautiful little army. Some day, when all +the Indians are happily dead or drunk, it ought to make the finest +scientific and survey corps that the world has ever seen; it does +excellent work now, but there is this defect in its nature: It is +officered, as you know, from West Point. + +The mischief of it is that West Point seems to be created for the +purpose of spreading a general knowledge of military matters among the +people. A boy goes up to that institution, gets his pass, and returns +to civil life, so they tell me, with a dangerous knowledge that he is +a suckling Von Moltke, and may apply his learning when occasion offers. +Given trouble, that man will be a nuisance, because he is a hideously +versatile American, to begin with, as cock-sure of himself as a man +can be, and with all the racial disregard for human life to back him, +through any demi-semi-professional generalship. + +In a country where, as the records of the daily papers show, men engaged +in a conflict with police or jails are all too ready to adopt a military +formation and get heavily shot in a sort of cheap, half-constructed +warfare, instead of being decently scared by the appearance of the +military, this sort of arrangement does not seem wise. + +The bond between the States is of an amazing tenuity. So long as they +do not absolutely march into the District of Columbia, sit on the +Washington statues, and invent a flag of their own, they can legislate, +lynch, hunt negroes through swamps, divorce, railroad, and rampage +as much as ever they choose. They do not need knowledge of their own +military strength to back their genial lawlessness. + +That regular army, which is a dear little army, should be kept to +itself, blooded on detachment duty, turned into the paths of science, +and now and again assembled at feasts of Free Masons, and so forth. + +It is too tiny to be a political power. The immortal wreck of the +Grand Army of the Republic is a political power of the largest and most +unblushing description. It ought not to help to lay the foundations of +an amateur military power that is blind and irresponsible. + +By great good luck the evil-minded train, already delayed twelve hours +by a burned bridge, brought me to the city on a Saturday by way of that +valley which the Mormons, over their efforts, had caused to blossom like +the rose. Twelve hours previously I had entered into a new world where, +in conversation, every one was either a Mormon or a Gentile. It is not +seemly for a free and independent citizen to dub himself a Gentile, but +the Mayor of Ogden--which is the Gentile city of the valley--told me +that there must be some distinction between the two flocks. + +Long before the fruit orchards of Logan or the shining levels of the +Salt Lake had been reached, that mayor--himself a Gentile, and one +renowned for his dealings with the Mormons--told me that the great +question of the existence of the power within the power was being +gradually solved by the ballot and by education. + +All the beauty of the valley could not make me forget it. And the valley +is very fair. Bench after bench of land, flat as a table against the +flanks of the ringing hills, marks where the Salt Lake rested for awhile +in its collapse from an inland sea to a lake fifty miles long and thirty +broad. + +There are the makings of a very fine creed about Mormonism. To begin +with, the Church is rather more absolute than that of Rome. Drop the +polygamy plank in the platform, but on the other hand deal lightly with +certain forms of excess; keep the quality of the recruit down to the +low mental level, and see that the best of all the agricultural +science available is in the hands of the elders, and there you have +a first-class engine for pioneer work. The tawdry mysticism and the +borrowing from Freemasonry serve the low caste Swede and Dane, the +Welshman and the Cornish cotter, just as well as a highly organized +heaven. + +Then I went about the streets and peeped into people's front windows, +and the decorations upon the tables were after the manner of the year +1850. Main Street was full of country folk from the desert, come in to +trade with the Zion Mercantile Co-operative Institute. The Church, I +fancy, looks after the finances of this thing, and it consequently pays +good dividends. + +The faces of the women were not lovely. In-deed, but for the certainty +that ugly persons are just as irrational in the matter of undivided love +as the beautiful, it seems that polygamy was a blessed institution for +the women, and that only the dread threats of the spiritual power could +drive the hulking, board-faced men into it. The women wore hideous +garments, and the men appeared to be tied up with strings. + +They would market all that afternoon, and on Sunday go to the +praying-place. I tried to talk to a few of them, but they spoke strange +tongues, and stared and behaved like cows. Yet one woman, and not an +altogether ugly one, confided to me that she hated the idea of Salt Lake +City being turned into a show-place for the amusement of the Gentiles. + +"If we 'have our own institutions, that ain't no reason why people +should come 'ere and stare at us, his it?" + +The dropped "h" betrayed her. + +"And when did you leave England?" I said. + +"Summer of '84. I am Dorset," she said. "The Mormon agent was very +good to us, and we was very poor. Now we're better off--my father, an' +mother, an' me." + +"Then you like the State?" + +She misunderstood at first. + +"Oh, I ain't livin' in the state of polygamy. Not me, yet. I ain't +married. I like where I am. I've got things o' my own--and some land." + +"But I suppose you will--" + +"Not me. I ain't like them Swedes an' Danes. I ain't got nothin' to say +for or against polygamy. It's the elders' business, an' between you an' +me, I don't think it's going on much longer. You'll 'ear them in the +'ouse to-morrer talkin' as if it was spreadin' all over America. The +Swedes, they think it his. I know it hisn't." + +"But you've got your land all right?" + +"Oh, yes; we've got our land, an' we never say aught against polygamy, +o' course--father, an' mother, an' me." + +On a table-land overlooking all the city stands the United States +garrison of infantry and artillery. The State of Utah can do nearly +anything it pleases until that much-to-be-desired hour when the Gentile +vote shall quietly swamp out Mormonism; but the garrison is kept there +in case of accidents. The big, shark-mouthed, pig-eared, heavy-boned +farmers sometimes take to their creed with wildest fanaticism, and in +past years have made life excessively unpleasant for the Gentile when he +was few in the land. But to-day, so far from killing openly or secretly, +or burning Gentile farms, it is all the Mormon dare do to feebly try +to boycott the interloper. His journals preach defiance to the United +States Government, and in the Tabernacle on a Sunday the preachers +follow suit. + +When I went there, the place was full of people who would have been much +better for a washing. + +A man rose up and told them that they were the chosen of God, the elect +of Israel; that they were to obey their priests, and that there was a +good time coming. I fancy that they had heard all this before so +many times it produced no impression whatever, even as the sublimest +mysteries of another faith lose salt through constant iteration. They +breathed heavily through their noses, and stared straight in front of +them--impassive as flat fish. + + + + +VII. AMERICA'S DEFENCELESS COASTS + +JUST suppose that America were twenty days distant from England. Then a +man could study its customs with undivided soul; but being so very +near next door, he goes about the land with one eye on the smoke of the +flesh-pots of the old country across the seas, while with the other he +squints biliously and prejudicially at the alien. + +I can lay my hand upon my sacred heart and affirm that up to to-day I +have never taken three consecutive trips by rail without being delayed +by an accident. That it was an accident to another train makes no +difference. My own turn may come next. + +A few miles from peaceful, pleasure-loving Lakewood they had managed to +upset an express goods train to the detriment of the flimsy permanent +way; and thus the train which should have left at three departed at +seven in the evening. I was not angry. I was scarcely even interested. +When an American train starts on time I begin to anticipate disaster--a +visitation for such good luck, you understand. + +Buffalo is a large village of a quarter of a million inhabitants, +situated on the seashore, which is falsely called Lake Erie. It is a +peaceful place, and more like an English county town than most of its +friends. + +Once clear of the main business streets, you launch upon miles and miles +of asphalted roads running between cottages and cut-stone residences of +those who have money and peace. All the Eastern cities own this fringe +of elegance, but except in Chicago nowhere is the fringe deeper or more +heavily widened than in Buffalo. + +The American will go to a bad place because he cannot speak English, +and is proud of it; but he knows how to make a home for himself and his +mate, knows how to keep the grass green in front of his veranda, and how +to fullest use the mechanism of life--hot water, gas, good bell-ropes, +telephones, etc. His shops sell him delightful household fitments +at very moderate rates, and he is encompassed with all manner of +labor-saving appliances. This does not prevent his wife and his daughter +working themselves to death over household drudgery; but the intention +is good. + +When you have seen the outside of a few hundred thousand of these homes +and the insides of a few score, you begin to understand why the American +(the respectable one) does not take a deep interest in what they call +"politics," and why he is so vaguely and generally proud of the country +that enables him to be so comfortable. How can the owner of a dainty +chalet, with smoked-oak furniture, imitation Venetian tapestry curtains, +hot and cold water laid on, a bed of geraniums and hollyhocks, a baby +crawling down the veranda, and a self-acting twirly-whirly hose gently +hissing over the grass in the balmy dusk of an August evening--how +can such a man despair of the Republic, or descend into the streets on +voting days and mix cheerfully with "the boys"? + +No, it is the stranger--the homeless jackal of a stranger--whose +interest in the country is limited to his hotel-bill and a +railway-ticket, that can run from Dan to Beersheba, crying:--"All is +barren!" + +Every good American wants a home--a pretty house and a little piece of +land of his very own; and every other good American seems to get it. + +It was when my gigantic intellect was grappling with this question +that I confirmed a discovery half made in the West. The natives of +most classes marry young--absurdly young. One of my informants--not the +twenty-two-year-old husband I met on Lake Chautauqua--said that from +twenty to twenty-four was about the usual time for this folly. And +when I asked whether the practice was confined to the constitutionally +improvident classes, he said "No" very quickly. He said it was a general +custom, and nobody saw anything wrong with it. + +"I guess, perhaps, very early marriage may account for a good deal of +the divorce," said he, reflectively. + +Whereat I was silent. Their marriages and their divorces only concern +these people; and neither I travelling, nor you, who may come after, +have any right to make rude remarks about them. Only--only coming from +a land where a man begins to lightly turn to thoughts of love not before +he is thirty, I own that playing at house-keeping before that age rather +surprised me. Out in the West, though, they marry, boys and girls, from +sixteen upward, and I have met more than one bride of fifteen--husband +aged twenty. + +"When man and woman are agreed, what can the Kazi do?" + +From those peaceful homes, and the envy they inspire (two trunks and +a walking-stick and a bit of pine forest in British Columbia are not +satisfactory, any way you look at them), I turned me to the lake front +of Buffalo, where the steamers bellow to the grain elevators, and the +locomotives yell to the coal-shutes, and the canal barges jostle the +lumber-raft half a mile long as it snakes across the water in tow of a +launch, and earth, and sky, and sea alike are thick with smoke. + +In the old days, before the railway ran into the city, all the business +quarters fringed the lake-shore where the traffic was largest. To-day +the business quarters have gone up-town to meet the railroad; the lake +traffic still exists, but you shall find a narrow belt of red-brick +desolation, broken windows, gap-toothed doors, and streets where the +grass grows between the crowded wharves and the bustling city. To the +lake front comes wheat from Chicago, lumber, coal, and ore, and a large +trade in cheap excursionists. + +It was my felicity to catch a grain steamer and an elevator emptying +that same steamer. The steamer might have been two thousand tons burden. +She was laden with wheat in bulk; from stem to stern, thirteen feet +deep, lay the clean, red wheat. There was no twenty-five per cent dirt +admixture about it at all. It was wheat, fit for the grindstones as it +lay. They manoeuvred the fore-hatch of that steamer directly under an +elevator--a house of red tin a hundred and fifty feet high. Then they +let down into that fore-hatch a trunk as if it had been the trunk of an +elephant, but stiff, because it was a pipe of iron-champed wood. And +the trunk had a steel-shod nose to it, and contained an endless chain of +steel buckets. + +Then the captain swore, raising his eyes to heaven, and a gruff voice +answered him from the place he swore at, and certain machinery, also in +the firmament, began to clack, and the glittering, steel-shod nose of +that trunk burrowed into the wheat, and the wheat quivered and sunk +upon the instant as water sinks when the siphon sucks, because the steel +buckets within the trunk were flying upon their endless round, carrying +away each its appointed morsel of wheat. + +The elevator was a Persian well wheel--a wheel squashed out thin +and cased in a pipe, a wheel driven not by bullocks, but by much +horse-power, licking up the grain at the rate of thou-sands of +bushels the hour. And the wheat sunk into the fore-hatch while a man +looked--sunk till the brown timbers of the bulkheads showed bare, and +men leaped down through clouds of golden dust and shovelled the wheat +furiously round the nose of the trunk, and got a steam-shovel of +glittering steel and made that shovel also, till there remained of the +grain not more than a horse leaves in the fold of his nose-bag. + +In this manner do they handle wheat at Buffalo. On one side of the +elevator is the steamer, on the other the railway track; and the wheat +is loaded into the cars in bulk. Wah! wah! God is great, and I do not +think He ever intended Gar Sahai or Luckman Narain to supply England +with her wheat. India can cut in not without profit to herself when her +harvest is good and the American yield poor; but this very big country +can, upon the average, supply the earth with all the beef and bread that +is required. + +A man in the train said to me:--"We kin feed all the earth, jest as +easily as we kin whip all the earth." + +Now the second statement is as false as the first is true. One of these +days the respectable Republic will find this out. + +Unfortunately we, the English, will never be the people to teach her; +because she is a chartered libertine allowed to say and do anything +she likes, from demanding the head of the empress in an editorial +waste-basket, to chevying Canadian schooners up and down the Alaska +Seas. It is perfectly impossible to go to war with these people, +whatever they may do. + +They are much too nice, in the first place, and in the second, it would +throw out all the passenger traffic of the Atlantic, and upset the +financial arrangements of the English syndicates who have invested their +money in breweries, railways, and the like, and in the third, it's not +to be done. Everybody knows that, and no one better than the American. + +Yet there are other powers who are not "ohai band" (of the +brotherhood)--China, for instance. Try to believe an irresponsible +writer when he assures you that China's fleet to-day, if properly +manned, could waft the entire American navy out of the water and into +the blue. The big, fat Republic that is afraid of nothing, because +nothing up to the present date has happened to make her afraid, is as +unprotected as a jelly-fish. Not internally, of course--it would be +madness for any Power to throw men into America; they would die--but as +far as regards coast defence. + +From five miles out at sea (I have seen a test of her "fortified" ports) +a ship of the power of H. M. S. "Collingwood" (they haven't run her on +a rock yet) would wipe out any or every town from San Francisco to Long +Branch; and three first-class ironclads would account for New York, +Bartholdi's Statue and all. + +Reflect on this. 'Twould be "Pay up or go up" round the entire coast +of the United States. To this furiously answers the patriotic +American:--"We should not pay. We should invent a Columbiad in Pittsburg +or--or anywhere else, and blow any outsider into h--l." + +They might invent. They might lay waste their cities and retire inland, +for they can subsist entirely on their own produce. Meantime, in a war +waged the only way it could be waged by an unscrupulous Power, their +coast cities and their dock-yards would be ashes. They could construct +their navy inland if they liked, but you could never bring a ship down +to the water-ways, as they stand now. + +They could not, with an ordinary water patrol, despatch one regiment +of men six miles across the seas. There would be about five million +excessively angry, armed men pent up within American limits. These men +would require ships to get themselves afloat. The country has no such +ships, and until the ships were built New York need not be allowed a +single-wheeled carriage within her limits. + +Behold now the glorious condition of this Republic which has no fear. +There is ransom and loot past the counting of man on her seaboard +alone--plunder that would enrich a nation--and she has neither a navy +nor half a dozen first-class ports to guard the whole. No man catches a +snake by the tail, because the creature will sting; but you can build a +fire around a snake that will make it squirm. + +The country is supposed to be building a navy now. When the ships are +completed her alliance will be worth having--if the alliance of any +republic can be relied upon. For the next three years she can be hurt, +and badly hurt. Pity it is that she is of our own blood, looking at the +matter from a Pindarris point of view. Dog cannot eat dog. + +These sinful reflections were prompted by the sight of the beautifully +unprotected condition of Buffalo--a city that could be made to pay up +five million dollars without feeling it. There are her companies of +infantry in a sort of port there. A gun-boat brought over in pieces from +Niagara could get the money and get away before she could be caught, +while an unarmored gun-boat guarding Toronto could ravage the towns on +the lakes. When one hears so much of the nation that can whip the earth, +it is, to say the least of it, surprising to find her so temptingly +spankable. + +The average American citizen seems to have a notion that any Power +engaged in strife with the Star Spangled Banner will disembark men from +flat-bottomed boats on a convenient beach for the purpose of being shot +down by local militia. In his own simple phraseology:--"Not by a darned +sight. No, sir." + +Ransom at long range will be about the size of it--cash or crash. + +Let us revisit calmer scenes. + +In the heart of Buffalo there stands a magnificent building which the +population do innocently style a music-hall. Everybody comes here +of evenings to sit around little tables and listen to a first-class +orchestra. The place is something like the Gaiety Theatre at Simla, +enlarged twenty times. The "Light Brigade" of Buffalo occupy the boxes +and the stage, "as it was at Simla in the days of old," and the others +sit in the parquet. Here I went with a friend--poor or boor is the man +who cannot pick up a friend for a season in America--and here was shown +the really smart folk of the city. I grieve to say I laughed, because +when an American wishes to be correct he sets himself to imitate the +Englishman. This he does vilely, and earns not only the contempt of his +brethren, but the amused scorn of the Briton. + +I saw one man who was pointed out to me as being the glass of fashion +hereabouts. He was aggressively English in his get-up. From eye-glass +to trouser-hem the illusion was perfect, but--he wore with evening-dress +buttoned boots with brown cloth tops! Not till I wandered about this +land did I understand why the comic papers belabor the Anglomaniac. + +Certain young men of the more idiotic sort launch into dog-carts and +raiment of English cut, and here in Buffalo they play polo at four +in the afternoon. I saw three youths come down to the polo-ground +faultlessly attired for the game and mounted on their best ponies. +Expecting a game, I lingered; but I was mistaken. These three shining +ones with the very new yellow hide boots and the red silk sashes had +assembled themselves for the purpose of knocking the ball about. They +smote with great solemnity up and down the grounds, while the little +boys looked on. When they trotted, which was not seldom, they rose +and sunk in their stirrups with a conscientiousness that cried out +"Riding-school!" from afar. + +Other young men in the park were riding after the English manner, in +neatly cut riding-trousers and light saddles. Fate in derision had +made each youth bedizen his animal with a checkered enamelled leather +brow-band visible half a mile away--a black-and-white checkered +brow-band! They can't do it, any more than an Englishman, by taking +cold, can add that indescribable nasal twang to his orchestra. + +The other sight of the evening was a horror. The little tragedy played +itself out at a neighboring table where two very young men and two very +young women were sitting. It did not strike me till far into the evening +that the pimply young reprobates were making the girls drunk. They gave +them red wine and then white, and the voices rose slightly with the +maidens' cheek flushes. I watched, wishing to stay, and the youths drank +till their speech thickened and their eye-balls grew watery. It was +sickening to see, because I knew what was going to happen. My friend +eyed the group, and said:--"Maybe they're children of respectable +people. I hardly think, though, they'd be allowed out without any better +escort than these boys. And yet the place is a place where every one +comes, as you see. They may be Little Immoralities--in which case they +wouldn't be so hopelessly overcome with two glasses of wine. They may +be--" + +Whatever they were they got indubitably drunk--there in that lovely +hall, surrounded by the best of Buffalo society. One could do nothing +except invoke the judgment of Heaven on the two boys, themselves half +sick with liquor. At the close of the performance the quieter maiden +laughed vacantly and protested she couldn't keep her feet. The four +linked arms, and staggering, flickered out into the street--drunk, +gentlemen and ladies, as Davy's swine, drunk as lords! They disappeared +down a side avenue, but I could hear their laughter long after they were +out of sight. + +And they were all four children of sixteen and seventeen. Then, +recanting previous opinions, I became a prohibitionist. Better it is +that a man should go without his beer in public places, and content +himself with swearing at the narrow-mindedness of the majority; better +it is to poison the inside with very vile temperance drinks, and to buy +lager furtively at back-doors, than to bring temptation to the lips +of young fools such as the four I had seen. I understand now why the +preachers rage against drink. I have said: "There is no harm in it, +taken moderately;" and yet my own demand for beer helped directly to +send those two girls reeling down the dark street to--God alone knows +what end. + +If liquor is worth drinking, it is worth taking a little trouble to come +at--such trouble as a man will undergo to compass his own desires. It +is not good that we should let it lie before the eyes of children, and +I have been a fool in writing to the contrary. Very sorry for myself, I +sought a hotel, and found in the hall a reporter who wished to know what +I thought of the country. Him I lured into conversation about his own +profession, and from him gained much that confirmed me in my views +of the grinding tyranny of that thing which they call the Press here. +Thus:--I--But you talk about interviewing people whether they like it or +not. Have you no bounds beyond which even your indecent curiosity must +not go? + +HE--I haven't struck 'em yet. What do you think of interviewing a widow +two hours after her husband's death, to get her version of his life? + +I--I think that is the work of a ghoul. Must the people have no privacy? + +HE--There is no domestic privacy in America. If there was, what the +deuce would the papers do? See here. Some time ago I had an assignment +to write up the floral tributes when a prominent citizen had died. + +I--Translate, please; I do not understand your pagan rites and +ceremonies. + +HE--I was ordered by the office to describe the flowers, and wreaths, +and so on, that had been sent to a dead man's funeral. Well, I went +to the house. There was no one there to stop me, so I yanked the +tinkler--pulled the bell--and drifted into the room where the corpse +lay all among the roses and smilax. I whipped out my note-book and pawed +around among the floral tributes, turn-ing up the tickets on the wreaths +and seeing who had sent them. In the middle of this I heard some one +saying: "Please, oh, please!" behind me, and there stood the daughter of +the house, just bathed in tears--I--You unmitigated brute! + +HE--Pretty much what I felt myself. "I'm very sorry, miss," I said, +"to intrude on the privacy of your grief. Trust me, I shall make it as +little painful as possible." + +I--But by what conceivable right did you outrage--HE--Hold your horses. +I'm telling you. Well, she didn't want me in the house at all, +and between her sobs fairly waved me away. I had half the tributes +described, though, and the balance I did partly on the steps when the +stiff 'un came out, and partly in the church. The preacher gave the +sermon. That wasn't my assignment. I skipped about among the floral +tributes while he was talking. I could have made no excuse if I had gone +back to the office and said that a pretty girl's sobs had stopped me +obeying orders. I had to do it. What do you think of it all? + +I (slowly)--Do you want to know? + +HE (with his note-book ready)--Of course. How do you regard it? + +I--It makes me regard your interesting nation with the same shuddering +curiosity that I should bestow on a Pappan cannibal chewing the scalp +off his mother's skull. Does that convey any idea to your mind? It makes +me regard the whole pack of you as heathens--real heathens--not the sort +you send missions to--creatures of another flesh and blood. You ought to +have been shot, not dead, but through the stomach, for your share in the +scandalous business, and the thing you call your newspaper ought to have +been sacked by the mob, and the managing proprietor hanged. + +HE--From which, I suppose you have nothing of that kind in your country? + +Oh! "Pioneer," venerable "Pioneer," and you not less honest press of +India, who are occasionally dull but never blackguardly, what could I +say? A mere "No," shouted never so loudly, would not have met the needs +of the case. I said no word. + +The reporter went away, and I took a train for Niagara Falls, which are +twenty-two miles distant from this bad town, where girls get drunk of +nights and reporters trample on corpses in the drawing-rooms of the +brave and the free! + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of American Notes, by Rudyard Kipling + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AMERICAN NOTES *** + +***** This file should be named 977.txt or 977.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/9/7/977/ + +Produced by Judith Boss + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +This etext was created by Judith Boss, Omaha, Nebraska. + + + + + +American Notes + +by + +Rudyard Kipling + + + +With Introduction + + + + +Introduction + +In an issue of the London World in April, 1890, there appeared +the following paragraph: "Two small rooms connected by a tiny +hall afford sufficient space to contain Mr. Rudyard Kipling, the +literary hero of the present hour, 'the man who came from +nowhere,' as he says himself, and who a year ago was consciously +nothing in the literary world." + +Six months previous to this Mr. Kipling, then but twenty-four +years old, had arrived in England from India to find that fame +had preceded him. He had already gained fame in India, where +scores of cultured and critical people, after reading +"Departmental Ditties," "Plain Tales from the Hills," and various +other stories and verses, had stamped him for a genius. + +Fortunately for everybody who reads, London interested and +stimulated Mr. Kipling, and he settled down to writing. "The +Record of Badalia Herodsfoot," and his first novel, "The Light +that Failed," appeared in 1890 and 1891; then a collection of +verse, "Life's Handicap, being stories of Mine Own People," was +published simultaneously in London and New York City; then +followed more verse, and so on through an unending series. + +In 1891 Mr. Kipling met the young author Wolcott Balestier, at +that time connected with a London publishing house. A strong +attachment grew between the two, and several months after their +first meeting they came to Mr. Balestier's Vermont home, where +they collaborated on "The Naulahka: A Story of West and East," +for which The Century paid the largest price ever given by an +American magazine for a story. The following year Mr. Kipling +married Mr. Balestier's sister in London and brought her to +America. + +The Balestiers were of an aristocratic New York family; the +grandfather of Mrs. Kipling was J. M. Balestier, a prominent +lawyer in New York City and Chicago, who died in 1888, leaving a +fortune of about a million. Her maternal grandfather was E. +Peshine Smith of Rochester, N. Y., a noted author and jurist, who +was selected in 1871 by Secretary Hamilton Fish to go to Japan as +the Mikado's adviser in international law. The ancestral home of +the Balestiers was near Brattleboro', Vt., and here Mr. Kipling +brought his bride. The young Englishman was so impressed by the +Vermont scenery that he rented for a time the cottage on the +"Bliss Farm," in which Steele Mackaye the playwright wrote the +well known drama "Hazel Kirke." + +The next spring Mr. Kipling purchased from his brother-in-law, +Beatty Balestier, a tract of land about three miles north of +Brattleboro', Vt., and on this erected a house at a cost of +nearly $50,000, which he named "The Naulahka." This was his home +during his sojourn in America. Here he wrote when in the mood, +and for recreation tramped abroad over the hills. His social +duties at this period were not arduous, for to his home he +refused admittance to all but tried friends. He made a study of +the Yankee country dialect and character for "The Walking +Delegate," and while "Captains Courageous," the story of New +England fisher life, was before him he spent some time among the +Gloucester fishermen with an acquaintance who had access to the +household gods of these people. + +He returned to England in August, 1896, and did not visit America +again till 1899, when he came with his wife and three children +for a limited time. + +It is hardly fair to Mr. Kipling to call "American Notes" first +impressions, for one reading them will readily see that the +impressions are superficial, little thought being put upon the +writing. They seem super-sarcastic, and would lead one to +believe that Mr. Kipling is antagonistic to America in every +respect. This, however, is not true. These "Notes" aroused much +protest and severe criticism when they appeared in 1891, and are +considered so far beneath Mr. Kipling's real work that they have +been nearly suppressed and are rarely found in a list of his +writings. Their very caustic style is of interest to a student +and lover of Kipling, and for this reason the publishers believe +them worthy of a good binding. + +G. P. T. + + + +Contents + +AT THE GOLDEN GATE + +AMERICAN POLITICS + +AMERICAN SALMON + +THE YELLOWSTONE + +CHICAGO + +THE AMERICAN ARMY + +AMERICA'S DEFENCELESS COASTS + + + +I + +At the Golden Gate + + "Serene, indifferent to fate, + Thou sittest at the Western Gate; + Thou seest the white seas fold their tents, + Oh, warder of two continents; + Thou drawest all things, small and great, + To thee, beside the Western Gate." + +THIS is what Bret Harte has written of the great city of San +Francisco, and for the past fortnight I have been wondering what +made him do it. + +There is neither serenity nor indifference to be found in these +parts; and evil would it be for the continents whose wardship +were intrusted to so reckless a guardian. + +Behold me pitched neck-and-crop from twenty days of the high seas +into the whirl of California, deprived of any guidance, and left +to draw my own conclusions. Protect me from the wrath of an +outraged community if these letters be ever read by American +eyes! San Francisco is a mad city--inhabited for the most part +by perfectly insane people, whose women are of a remarkable +beauty. + +When the "City of Pekin" steamed through the Golden Gate, I saw +with great joy that the block-house which guarded the mouth of +the "finest harbor in the world, sir," could be silenced by two +gunboats from Hong Kong with safety, comfort, and despatch. +Also, there was not a single American vessel of war in the +harbor. + +This may sound bloodthirsty; but remember, I had come with a +grievance upon me--the grievance of the pirated English books. + +Then a reporter leaped aboard, and ere I could gasp held me in +his toils. He pumped me exhaustively while I was getting ashore, +demanding of all things in the world news about Indian +journalism. It is an awful thing to enter a new land with a new +lie on your lips. I spoke the truth to the evil-minded Custom +House man who turned my most sacred raiment on a floor composed +of stable refuse and pine splinters; but the reporter overwhelmed +me not so much by his poignant audacity as his beautiful +ignorance. I am sorry now that I did not tell him more lies as +I passed into a city of three hundred thousand white men. Think +of it! Three hundred thousand white men and women gathered in +one spot, walking upon real pavements in front of +plate-glass-windowed shops, and talking something that at first +hearing was not very different from English. It was only when I +had tangled myself up in a hopeless maze of small wooden houses, +dust, street refuse, and children who played with empty kerosene +tins, that I discovered the difference of speech. + +"You want to go to the Palace Hotel?" said an affable youth on a +dray. "What in hell are you doing here, then? This is about the +lowest ward in the city. Go six blocks north to corner of Geary +and Markey, then walk around till you strike corner of Gutter and +Sixteenth, and that brings you there." + +I do not vouch for the literal accuracy of these directions, +quoting but from a disordered memory. + +"Amen," I said. "But who am I that I should strike the corners +of such as you name? Peradventure they be gentlemen of repute, +and might hit back. Bring it down to dots, my son." + +I thought he would have smitten me, but he didn't. He explained +that no one ever used the word "street," and that every one was +supposed to know how the streets ran, for sometimes the names +were upon the lamps and sometimes they weren't. Fortified with +these directions, I proceeded till I found a mighty street, full +of sumptuous buildings four and five stories high, but paved with +rude cobblestones, after the fashion of the year 1. + +Here a tram-car, without any visible means of support, slid +stealthily behind me and nearly struck me in the back. This was +the famous cable car of San Francisco, which runs by gripping an +endless wire rope sunk in the ground, and of which I will tell +you more anon. A hundred yards further there was a slight +commotion in the street, a gathering together of three or four, +something that glittered as it moved very swiftly. A ponderous +Irish gentleman, with priest's cords in his hat and a small +nickel-plated badge on his fat bosom, emerged from the knot +supporting a Chinaman who had been stabbed in the eye and was +bleeding like a pig. The by-standers went their ways, and the +Chinaman, assisted by the policeman, his own. Of course this was +none of my business, but I rather wanted to know what had +happened to the gentleman who had dealt the stab. It said a +great deal for the excellence of the municipal arrangement of the +town that a surging crowd did not at once block the street to see +what was going forward. I was the sixth man and the last who +assisted at the performance, and my curiosity was six times the +greatest. Indeed, I felt ashamed of showing it. + +There were no more incidents till I reached the Palace Hotel, a +seven-storied warren of humanity with a thousand rooms in it. +All the travel books will tell you about hotel arrangements in +this country. They should be seen to be appreciated. Understand +clearly--and this letter is written after a thousand miles of +experiences--that money will not buy you service in the West. +When the hotel clerk--the man who awards your room to you and who +is supposed to give you information--when that resplendent +individual stoops to attend to your wants he does so whistling or +humming or picking his teeth, or pauses to converse with some +one he knows. These performances, I gather, are to impress upon +you that he is a free man and your equal. From his general +appearance and the size of his diamonds he ought to be your +superior. There is no necessity for this swaggering +self-consciousness of freedom. Business is business, and the man +who is paid to attend to a man might reasonably devote his whole +attention to the job. Out of office hours he can take his coach +and four and pervade society if he pleases. + +In a vast marble-paved hall, under the glare of an electric +light, sat forty or fifty men, and for their use and amusement +were provided spittoons of infinite capacity and generous gape. +Most of the men wore frock-coats and top-hats--the things that we +in India put on at a wedding-breakfast, if we possess them--but +they all spat. They spat on principle. The spittoons were on +the staircases, in each bedroom--yea, and in chambers even more +sacred than these. They chased one into retirement, but they +blossomed in chiefest splendor round the bar, and they were all +used, every reeking one of them. + +Just before I began to feel deathly sick another reporter +grappled me. What he wanted to know was the precise area of +India in square miles. I referred him to Whittaker. He had +never heard of Whittaker. He wanted it from my own mouth, and I +would not tell him. Then he swerved off, just like the other +man, to details of journalism in our own country. I ventured to +suggest that the interior economy of a paper most concerned the +people who worked it. + +"That's the very thing that interests us," he said. "Have you +got reporters anything like our reporters on Indian newspapers?" + +"We have not," I said, and suppressed the "thank God" rising to +my lips. + +"Why haven't you?" said he. + +"Because they would die," I said. + +It was exactly like talking to a child--a very rude little child. +He would begin almost every sentence with, "Now tell me something +about India," and would turn aimlessly from one question to the +other without the least continuity. I was not angry, but keenly +interested. The man was a revelation to me. To his questions I +returned answers mendacious and evasive. After all, it really +did not matter what I said. He could not understand. I can only +hope and pray that none of the readers of the "Pioneer" will ever +see that portentous interview. The man made me out to be an +idiot several sizes more drivelling than my destiny intended, and +the rankness of his ignorance managed to distort the few poor +facts with which I supplied him into large and elaborate lies. +Then, thought I, "the matter of American journalism shall be +looked into later on. At present I will enjoy myself." + +No man rose to tell me what were the lions of the place. No one +volunteered any sort of conveyance. I was absolutely alone in +this big city of white folk. By instinct I sought refreshment, +and came upon a barroom full of bad Salon pictures in which men +with hats on the backs of their heads were wolfing food from a +counter. It was the institution of the "free lunch" I had struck. +You paid for a drink and got as much as you wanted to eat. For +something less than a rupee a day a man can feed himself +sumptuously in San Francisco, even though he be a bankrupt. +Remember this if ever you are stranded in these parts. + +Later I began a vast but unsystematic exploration of the streets. +I asked for no names. It was enough that the pavements were full +of white men and women, the streets clanging with traffic, and +that the restful roar of a great city rang in my ears. The cable +cars glided to all points of the compass at once. I took them +one by one till I could go no further. San Francisco has been +pitched down on the sand bunkers of the Bikaneer desert. About +one fourth of it is ground reclaimed from the sea--any old-timers +will tell you all about that. The remainder is just ragged, +unthrifty sand hills, to-day pegged down by houses. + +From an English point of view there has not been the least +attempt at grading those hills, and indeed you might as well try +to grade the hillocks of Sind. The cable cars have for all +practical purposes made San Francisco a dead level. They take no +count of rise or fall, but slide equably on their appointed +courses from one end to the other of a six-mile street. They +turn corners almost at right angles, cross other lines, and for +aught I know may run up the sides of houses. There is no visible +agency of their flight, but once in awhile you shall pass a +five-storied building humming with machinery that winds up an +everlasting wire cable, and the initiated will tell you that here +is the mechanism. I gave up asking questions. If it pleases +Providence to make a car run up and down a slit in the ground for +many miles, and if for twopence halfpenny I can ride in that car, +why shall I seek the reasons of the miracle? Rather let me look +out of the windows till the shops give place to thousands and +thousands of little houses made of wood (to imitate stone), each +house just big enough for a man and his family. Let me watch the +people in the cars and try to find out in what manner they differ +from us, their ancestors. + +It grieves me now that I cursed them (in the matter of book +piracy), because I perceived that my curse is working and that +their speech is becoming a horror already. They delude +themselves into the belief that they talk English--the +English--and I have already been pitied for speaking with "an +English accent." The man who pitied me spoke, so far as I was +concerned, the language of thieves. And they all do. Where we +put the accent forward they throw it back, and vice versa where +we give the long "a" they use the short, and words so simple as +to be past mistaking they pronounce somewhere up in the dome of +their heads. How do these things happen? + +Oliver Wendell Holmes says that the Yankee school-marm, the cider +and the salt codfish of the Eastern States, are responsible for +what he calls a nasal accent. I know better. They stole books +from across the water without paying for 'em, and the snort of +delight was fixed in their nostrils forever by a just Providence. +That is why they talk a foreign tongue to-day. + +"Cats is dogs, and rabbits is dogs, and so's parrots. But this +'ere tortoise is an insect, so there ain't no charge," as the old +porter said. + +A Hindoo is a Hindoo and a brother to the man who knows his +vernacular. And a Frenchman is French because he speaks his own +language. But the American has no language. He is dialect, +slang, provincialism, accent, and so forth. Now that I have +heard their voices, all the beauty of Bret Harte is being ruined +for me, because I find myself catching through the roll of his +rhythmical prose the cadence of his peculiar fatherland. Get an +American lady to read to you "How Santa Claus Came to Simpson's +Bar," and see how much is, under her tongue, left of the beauty +of the original. + +But I am sorry for Bret Harte. It happened this way. A reporter +asked me what I thought of the city, and I made answer suavely +that it was hallowed ground to me, because of Bret Harte. That +was true. + +"Well," said the reporter, "Bret Harte claims California, but +California don't claim Bret Harte. He's been so long in England +that he's quite English. Have you seen our cracker factories or +the new offices of the 'Examiner'?" + +He could not understand that to the outside world the city was +worth a great deal less than the man. I never intended to curse +the people with a provincialism so vast as this. + +But let us return to our sheep--which means the sea-lions of the +Cliff House. They are the great show of San Francisco. You take +a train which pulls up the middle of the street (it killed two +people the day before yesterday, being unbraked and driven +absolutely regardless of consequences), and you pull up somewhere +at the back of the city on the Pacific beach. Originally the +cliffs and their approaches must have been pretty, but they have +been so carefully defiled with advertisements that they are now +one big blistered abomination. A hundred yards from the shore +stood a big rock covered with the carcasses of the sleek +sea-beasts, who roared and rolled and walloped in the spouting +surges. No bold man had painted the creatures sky-blue or +advertised newspapers on their backs, wherefore they did not +match the landscape, which was chiefly hoarding. Some day, +perhaps, whatever sort of government may obtain in this country +will make a restoration of the place and keep it clean and neat. +At present the sovereign people, of whom I have heard so much +already, are vending cherries and painting the virtues of "Little +Bile Beans" all over it. + +Night fell over the Pacific, and the white sea-fog whipped +through the streets, dimming the splendors of the electric +lights. It is the use of this city, her men and women folk, to +parade between the hours of eight and ten a certain street called +Cairn Street, where the finest shops are situated. Here the +click of high heels on the pavement is loudest, here the lights +are brightest, and here the thunder of the traffic is most +overwhelming. I watched Young California, and saw that it was, +at least, expensively dressed, cheerful in manner, and +self-asserting in conversation. Also the women were very fair. +Perhaps eighteen days aboard ship had something to do with my +unreserved admiration. The maidens were of generous build, +large, well groomed, and attired in raiment that even to my +inexperienced eyes must have cost much. Cairn Street at nine +o'clock levels all distinctions of rank as impartially as the +grave. Again and again I loitered at the heels of a couple of +resplendent beings, only to overhear, when I expected the level +voice of culture, the staccato "Sez he," "Sez I" that is the mark +of the white servant-girl all the world over. + +This was depressing because, in spite of all that goes to the +contrary, fine feathers ought to make fine birds. There was +wealth--unlimited wealth--in the streets, but not an accent that +would not have been dear at fifty cents. Wherefore, revolving +in my mind that these folk were barbarians, I was presently +enlightened and made aware that they also were the heirs of all +the ages, and civilized after all. There appeared before me an +affable stranger of prepossessing appearance, with a blue and an +innocent eye. Addressing me by name, he claimed to have met me +in New York, at the Windsor, and to this claim I gave a qualified +assent. I did not remember the fact, but since he was so certain +of it, why, then--I waited developments. + +"And what did you think of Indiana when you came through?" was +the next question. + +It revealed the mystery of previous acquaintance and one or two +other things. With reprehensible carelessness my friend of the +light-blue eye had looked up the name of his victim in the hotel +register, and read "Indiana" for India. + +The provincialism with which I had cursed his people extended to +himself. He could not imagine an Englishman coming through the +States from west to east instead of by the regularly ordained +route. My fear was that in his delight in finding me so +responsive he would make remarks about New York and the Windsor +which I could not understand. And, indeed, he adventured in this +direction once or twice, asking me what I thought of such and +such streets, which from his tone I gathered to be anything but +respectable. It is trying to talk unknown New York in almost +unknown San Francisco. But my friend was merciful. He protested +that I was one after his own heart, and pressed upon me rare and +curious drinks at more than one bar. These drinks I accepted +with gratitude, as also the cigars with which his pockets were +stored. He would show me the life of the city. Having no desire +to watch a weary old play again, I evaded the offer and received +in lieu of the devil's instruction much coarse flattery. +Curiously constituted is the soul of man. Knowing how and where +this man lied, waiting idly for the finale, I was distinctly +conscious, as he bubbled compliments in my ear, of soft thrills +of gratified pride stealing from hat-rim to boot-heels. I was +wise, quoth he--anybody could see that with half an eye; +sagacious, versed in the ways of the world, an acquaintance to be +desired; one who had tasted the cup of life with discretion. + +All this pleased me, and in a measure numbed the suspicion that +was thoroughly aroused. Eventually the blue-eyed one discovered, +nay, insisted, that I had a taste for cards (this was clumsily +worked in, but it was my fault, for in that I met him half-way +and allowed him no chance of good acting). Hereupon I laid my +head upon one side and simulated unholy wisdom, quoting odds and +ends of poker talk, all ludicrously misapplied. My friend kept +his countenance admirably, and well he might, for five minutes +later we arrived, always by the purest of chance, at a place +where we could play cards and also frivol with Louisiana State +Lottery tickets. Would I play? + +"Nay," said I, "for to me cards have neither meaning nor +continuity; but let us assume that I am going to play. How would +you and your friends get to work? Would you play a straight +game, or make me drunk, or--well, the fact is, I'm a newspaper +man, and I'd be much obliged if you'd let me know something about +bunco steering." + +My blue-eyed friend erected himself into an obelisk of profanity. +He cursed me by his gods--the right and left bower; he even +cursed the very good cigars he had given me. But, the storm +over, he quieted down and explained. I apologized for causing +him to waste an evening, and we spent a very pleasant time +together. + +Inaccuracy, provincialism, and a too hasty rushing to +conclusions, were the rocks that he had split on, but he got his +revenge when he said:--"How would I play with you? From all the +poppycock Anglice bosh you talked about poker, I'd ha' played a +straight game, and skinned you. I wouldn't have taken the trouble +to make you drunk. You never knew anything of the game, but how +I was mistaken in going to work on you, makes me sick." + +He glared at me as though I had done him an injury. To-day I +know how it is that year after year, week after week, the bunco +steerer, who is the confidence trick and the card-sharper man of +other climes, secures his prey. He clavers them over with +flattery as the snake clavers the rabbit. The incident depressed +me because it showed I had left the innocent East far behind and +was come to a country where a man must look out for himself. The +very hotels bristled with notices about keeping my door locked +and depositing my valuables in a safe. The white man in a lump +is bad. Weeping softly for O-Toyo (little I knew then that my +heart was to be torn afresh from my bosom) I fell asleep in the +clanging hotel. + +Next morning I had entered upon the deferred inheritance. There +are no princes in America--at least with crowns on their +heads--but a generous-minded member of some royal family received +my letter of introduction. Ere the day closed I was a member of +the two clubs, and booked for many engagements to dinner and +party. Now, this prince, upon whose financial operations be +continual increase, had no reason, nor had the others, his +friends, to put himself out for the sake of one Briton more or +less, but he rested not till he had accomplished all in my behalf +that a mother could think of for her debutante daughter. + +Do you know the Bohemian Club of San Francisco? They say its +fame extends over the world. It was created, somewhat on the +lines of the Savage, by men who wrote or drew things, and has +blossomed into most unrepublican luxury. The ruler of the place +is an owl--an owl standing upon a skull and cross-bones, showing +forth grimly the wisdom of the man of letters and the end of his +hopes for immortality. The owl stands on the staircase, a statue +four feet high; is carved in the wood-work, flutters on the +frescoed ceiling, is stamped on the note-paper, and hangs on the +walls. He is an ancient and honorable bird. Under his wing 'twas +my privilege to meet with white men whose lives were not chained +down to routine of toil, who wrote magazine articles instead of +reading them hurriedly in the pauses of office-work, who painted +pictures instead of contenting themselves with cheap etchings +picked up at another man's sale of effects. Mine were all the +rights of social intercourse, craft by craft, that India, +stony-hearted step-mother of collectors, has swindled us out of. +Treading soft carpets and breathing the incense of superior +cigars, I wandered from room to room studying the paintings in +which the members of the club had caricatured themselves, their +associates, and their aims. There was a slick French audacity +about the workmanship of these men of toil unbending that went +straight to the heart of the beholder. And yet it was not +altogether French. A dry grimness of treatment, almost Dutch, +marked the difference. The men painted as they spoke--with +certainty. The club indulges in revelries which it calls +"jinks"--high and low, at intervals--and each of these gatherings +is faithfully portrayed in oils by hands that know their +business. In this club were no amateurs spoiling canvas, because +they fancied they could handle oils without knowledge of shadows +or anatomy--no gentleman of leisure ruining the temper of +publishers and an already ruined market with attempts to write +"because everybody writes something these days." + +My hosts were working, or had worked for their daily bread with +pen or paint, and their talk for the most part was of the +shop--shoppy--that is to say, delightful. They extended a large +hand of welcome, and were as brethren, and I did homage to the +owl and listened to their talk. An Indian club about +Christmas-time will yield, if properly worked, an abundant +harvest of queer tales; but at a gathering of Americans from the +uttermost ends of their own continent, the tales are larger, +thicker, more spinous, and even more azure than any Indian +variety. Tales of the war I heard told by an ex-officer of the +South over his evening drink to a colonel of the Northern army, +my introducer, who had served as a trooper in the Northern Horse, +throwing in emendations from time to time. "Tales of the Law," +which in this country is an amazingly elastic affair, followed +from the lips of a judge. Forgive me for recording one tale that +struck me as new. It may interest the up-country Bar in India. + +Once upon a time there was Samuelson, a young lawyer, who feared +not God, neither regarded the Bench. (Name, age, and town of the +man were given at great length.) To him no case had ever come as +a client, partly because he lived in a district where lynch law +prevailed, and partly because the most desperate prisoner shrunk +from intrusting himself to the mercies of a phenomenal stammerer. +But in time there happened an aggravated murder--so bad, indeed, +that by common consent the citizens decided, as a prelude to +lynching, to give the real law a chance. They could, in fact, +gambol round that murder. They met--the court in its +shirt-sleeves--and against the raw square of the Court House +window a temptingly suggestive branch of a tree fretted the sky. +No one appeared for the prisoner, and, partly in jest, the court +advised young Samuelson to take up the case. + +"The prisoner is undefended, Sam," said the court. "The square +thing to do would be for you to take him aside and do the best +you can for him." + +Court, jury, and witness then adjourned to the veranda, while +Samuelson led his client aside to the Court House cells. An hour +passed ere the lawyer returned alone. Mutely the audience +questioned. + +"May it p-p-please the c-court," said Samuel-son, "my client's +case is a b-b-b-bad one--a d-d-amn bad one. You told me to do +the b-b-best I c-could for him, judge, so I've jest given him +y-your b-b-bay gelding, an' told him to light out for healthier +c-climes, my p-p-professional opinion being he'd be hanged +quicker'n h-h-hades if he dallied here. B-by this time my +client's 'bout fifteen mile out yonder somewheres. That was the +b-b-best I could do for him, may it p-p-please the court." + +The young man, escaping punishment in lieu of the prisoner, made +his fortune ere five years. + +Other voices followed, with equally wondrous tales of +riata-throwing in Mexico and Arizona, of gambling at army posts +in Texas, of newspaper wars waged in godless Chicago (I could not +help being interested, but they were not pretty tricks), of +deaths sudden and violent in Montana and Dakota, of the loves of +half-breed maidens in the South, and fantastic huntings for gold +in mysterious Alaska. Above all, they told the story of the +building of old San Francisco, when the "finest collection of +humanity on God's earth, sir, started this town, and the water +came up to the foot of Market Street." Very terrible were some +of the tales, grimly humorous the others, and the men in +broadcloth and fine linen who told them had played their parts in +them. + +"And now and again when things got too bad they would toll the +city bell, and the Vigilance Committee turned out and hanged the +suspicious characters. A man didn't begin to be suspected in +those days till he had committed at least one unprovoked murder," +said a calm-eyed, portly old gentleman. + +I looked at the pictures around me, the noiseless, neat-uniformed +waiter behind me, the oak-ribbed ceiling above, the velvet carpet +beneath. It was hard to realize that even twenty years ago you +could see a man hanged with great pomp. Later on I found reason +to change my opinion. The tales gave me a headache and set me +thinking. How in the world was it possible to take in even one +thousandth of this huge, roaring, many-sided continent? In the +tobacco-scented silence of the sumptuous library lay Professor +Bryce's book on the American Republic. + +"It is an omen," said I. "He has done all things in all +seriousness, and he may be purchased for half a guinea. Those +who desire information of the most undoubted, must refer to his +pages. For me is the daily round of vagabondage, the recording of +the incidents of the hour and intercourse with the +travelling-companion of the day. I will not 'do' this country at +all." + +And I forgot all about India for ten days while I went out to +dinners and watched the social customs of the people, which are +entirely different from our customs, and was introduced to men of +many millions. These persons are harmless in their earlier +stages--that is to say, a man worth three or four million dollars +may be a good talker, clever, amusing, and of the world; a man +with twice that amount is to be avoided, and a twenty million man +is--just twenty millions. Take an instance. I was speaking to a +newspaper man about seeing the proprietor of his journal, as in +my innocence I supposed newspaper men occasionally did. My +friend snorted indignantly:--"See him! Great Scott! No. If he +happens to appear in the office, I have to associate with him; +but, thank Heaven! outside of that I move in circles where he +cannot come." + +And yet the first thing I have been taught to believe is that +money was everything in America! + + + +II + +American Politics + +I HAVE been watching machinery in repose after reading about +machinery in action. + +An excellent gentleman, who bears a name honored in the magazine, +writes, much as Disraeli orated, of "the sublime instincts of an +ancient people," the certainty with which they can be trusted to +manage their own affairs in their own way, and the speed with +which they are making for all sorts of desirable goals. This he +called a statement or purview of American politics. + +I went almost directly afterward to a saloon where gentlemen +interested in ward politics nightly congregate. They were not +pretty persons. Some of them were bloated, and they all swore +cheerfully till the heavy gold watch-chains on their fat stomachs +rose and fell again; but they talked over their liquor as men who +had power and unquestioned access to places of trust and profit. + +The magazine writer discussed theories of government; these men +the practice. They had been there. They knew all about it. +They banged their fists on the table and spoke of political +"pulls," the vending of votes, and so forth. Theirs was not the +talk of village babblers reconstructing the affairs of the +nation, but of strong, coarse, lustful men fighting for spoil, +and thoroughly understanding the best methods of reaching it. + +I listened long and intently to speech I could not understand--or +but in spots. + +It was the speech of business, however. I had sense enough to +know that, and to do my laughing outside the door. + +Then I began to understand why my pleasant and well-educated +hosts in San Francisco spoke with a bitter scorn of such duties +of citizenship as voting and taking an interest in the +distribution of offices. Scores of men have told me, without +false pride, that they would as soon concern themselves with the +public affairs of the city or state as rake muck with a +steam-shovel. It may be that their lofty disdain covers +selfishness, but I should be very sorry habitually to meet the +fat gentlemen with shiny top-hats and plump cigars in whose +society I have been spending the evening. + +Read about politics as the cultured writer of the magazine +regards 'em, and then, and not till then, pay your respects to +the gentlemen who run the grimy reality. + +I'm sick of interviewing night editors who lean their chair +against the wall, and, in response to my demand for the record of +a prominent citizen, answer: "Well, you see, he began by keeping +a saloon," etc. I prefer to believe that my informants are +treating me as in the old sinful days in India I was used to +treat the wandering globe-trotter. They declare that they speak +the truth, and the news of dog politics lately vouchsafed to me +in groggeries inclines me to believe, but I won't. The people +are much too nice to slangander as recklessly as I have been +doing. + +Besides, I am hopelessly in love with about eight American +maidens--all perfectly delightful till the next one comes into +the room. + +O-Toyo was a darling, but she lacked several things--conversation +for one. You cannot live on giggles. She shall remain unmarried +at Nagasaki, while I roast a battered heart before the shrine of +a big Kentucky blonde, who had for a nurse when she was little a +negro "mammy." + +By consequence she has welded on California beauty, Paris +dresses, Eastern culture, Europe trips, and wild Western +originality, the queer, dreamy superstitions of the quarters, and +the result is soul-shattering. And she is but one of many stars. + +Item, a maiden who believes in education and possesses it, with a +few hundred thousand dollars to boot and a taste for slumming. + +Item, the leader of a sort of informal salon where girls +congregate, read papers, and daringly discuss metaphysical +problems and candy--a sloe-eyed, black-browed, imperious maiden +she. + +Item, a very small maiden, absolutely without reverence, who can +in one swift sentence trample upon and leave gasping half a dozen +young men. + +Item, a millionairess, burdened with her money, lonely, caustic, +with a tongue keen as a sword, yearning for a sphere, but chained +up to the rock of her vast possessions. + +Item, a typewriter maiden earning her own bread in this big city, +because she doesn't think a girl ought to be a burden on her +parents, who quotes Theophile Gautier and moves through the world +manfully, much respected for all her twenty inexperienced +summers. + +Item, a woman from cloud-land who has no history in the past or +future, but is discreetly of the present, and strives for the +confidences of male humanity on the grounds of "sympathy" +(methinks this is not altogether a new type). + +Item, a girl in a "dive," blessed with a Greek head and eyes, +that seem to speak all that is best and sweetest in the world. +But woe is me! She has no ideas in this world or the next beyond +the consumption of beer (a commission on each bottle), and +protests that she sings the songs allotted to her nightly without +more than the vaguest notion of their meaning. + +Sweet and comely are the maidens of Devonshire; delicate and of +gracious seeming those who live in the pleasant places of London; +fascinating for all their demureness the damsels of France, +clinging closely to their mothers, with large eyes wondering at +the wicked world; excellent in her own place and to those who +understand her is the Anglo-Indian "spin" in her second season; +but the girls of America are above and beyond them all. They are +clever, they can talk--yea, it is said that they think. +Certainly they have an appearance of so doing which is +delightfully deceptive. + +They are original, and regard you between the brows with +unabashed eyes as a sister might look at her brother. They are +instructed, too, in the folly and vanity of the male mind, for +they have associated with "the boys" from babyhood, and can +discerningly minister to both vices or pleasantly snub the +possessor. They possess, moreover, a life among themselves, +independent of any masculine associations. They have societies +and clubs and unlimited tea-fights where all the guests are +girls. They are self-possessed, without parting with any +tenderness that is their sex-right; they understand; they can +take care of themselves; they are superbly independent. When you +ask them what makes them so charming, they say:--"It is because +we are better educated than your girls, and--and we are more +sensible in regard to men. We have good times all round, but we +aren't taught to regard every man as a possible husband. Nor is +he expected to marry the first girl he calls on regularly." + +Yes, they have good times, their freedom is large, and they do +not abuse it. They can go driving with young men and receive +visits from young men to an extent that would make an English +mother wink with horror, and neither driver nor drivee has a +thought beyond the enjoyment of a good time. As certain, also, +of their own poets have said:-- + + "Man is fire and woman is tow, + And the devil he comes and begins to blow." + +In America the tow is soaked in a solution that makes it +fire-proof, in absolute liberty and large knowledge; +consequently, accidents do not exceed the regular percentage +arranged by the devil for each class and climate under the skies. + +But the freedom of the young girl has its drawbacks. She is--I +say it with all reluctance--irreverent, from her forty-dollar +bonnet to the buckles in her eighteen-dollar shoes. She talks +flippantly to her parents and men old enough to be her +grandfather. She has a prescriptive right to the society of the +man who arrives. The parents admit it. + +This is sometimes embarrassing, especially when you call on a man +and his wife for the sake of information--the one being a +merchant of varied knowledge, the other a woman of the world. In +five minutes your host has vanished. In another five his wife +has followed him, and you are left alone with a very charming +maiden, doubtless, but certainly not the person you came to see. +She chatters, and you grin, but you leave with the very strong +impression of a wasted morning. This has been my experience once +or twice. I have even said as pointedly as I dared to a man:--"I +came to see you." + +"You'd better see me in my office, then. The house belongs to my +women folk--to my daughter, that is to say." + +He spoke the truth. The American of wealth is owned by his +family. They exploit him for bullion. The women get the +ha'pence, the kicks are all his own. Nothing is too good for an +American's daughter (I speak here of the moneyed classes). + +The girls take every gift as a matter of course, and yet they +develop greatly when a catastrophe arrives and the man of many +millions goes up or goes down, and his daughters take to +stenography or typewriting. I have heard many tales of heroism +from the lips of girls who counted the principals among their +friends. The crash came, Mamie, or Hattie, or Sadie, gave up +their maid, their carriages and candy, and with a No. 2 Remington +and a stout heart set about earning their daily bread. + +"And did I drop her from the list of my friends? No, sir," said +a scarlet-lipped vision in white lace; "that might happen to us +any day." + +It may be this sense of possible disaster in the air that makes +San Francisco society go with so captivating a rush and whirl. +Recklessness is in the air. I can't explain where it comes from, +but there it is. The roaring winds of the Pacific make you drunk +to begin with. The aggressive luxury on all sides helps out the +intoxication, and you spin forever "down the ringing grooves of +change" (there is no small change, by the way, west of the +Rockies) as long as money lasts. They make greatly and they spend +lavishly; not only the rich, but the artisans, who pay nearly +five pounds for a suit of clothes, and for other luxuries in +proportion. + +The young men rejoice in the days of their youth. They gamble, +yacht, race, enjoy prize-fights and cock-fights, the one openly, +the other in secret; they establish luxurious clubs; they break +themselves over horse-flesh and other things, and they are +instant in a quarrel. At twenty they are experienced in +business, embark in vast enterprises, take partners as +experienced as themselves, and go to pieces with as much splendor +as their neighbors. Remember that the men who stocked California +in the fifties were physically, and, as far as regards certain +tough virtues, the pick of the earth. The inept and the weakly +died en route, or went under in the days of construction. To +this nucleus were added all the races of the Continent--French, +Italian, German, and, of course, the Jew. + +The result you can see in the large-boned, deep-chested, +delicate-handed women, and long, elastic, well-built boys. It +needs no little golden badge swinging from the watch-chain to +mark the native son of the golden West, the country-bred of +California. + +Him I love because he is devoid of fear, carries himself like a +man, and has a heart as big as his books. I fancy, too, he knows +how to enjoy the blessings of life that his province so +abundantly bestows upon him. At least, I heard a little rat of a +creature with hock-bottle shoulders explaining that a man from +Chicago could pull the eye-teeth of a Californian in business. + +Well, if I lived in fairy-land, where cherries were as big as +plums, plums as big as apples, and strawberries of no account, +where the procession of the fruits of the seasons was like a +pageant in a Drury Lane pantomime and the dry air was wine, I +should let business slide once in a way and kick up my heels with +my fellows. The tale of the resources of California--vegetable +and mineral--is a fairy-tale. You can read it in books. You +would never believe me. + +All manner of nourishing food, from sea-fish to beef, may be +bought at the lowest prices, and the people are consequently +well-developed and of a high stomach. They demand ten shillings +for tinkering a jammed lock of a trunk; they receive sixteen +shillings a day for working as carpenters; they spend many +sixpences on very bad cigars, which the poorest of them smoke, +and they go mad over a prize-fight. When they disagree they do +so fatally, with fire-arms in their hands, and on the public +streets. I was just clear of Mission Street when the trouble +began between two gentlemen, one of whom perforated the other. + +When a policeman, whose name I do not recollect, "fatally shot Ed +Hearney" for attempting to escape arrest, I was in the next +street. For these things I am thankful. It is enough to travel +with a policeman in a tram-car, and, while he arranges his +coat-tails as he sits down, to catch sight of a loaded revolver. +It is enough to know that fifty per cent of the men in the public +saloons carry pistols about them. + +The Chinaman waylays his adversary, and methodically chops him to +pieces with his hatchet. Then the press roars about the brutal +ferocity of the pagan. + +The Italian reconstructs his friend with a long knife. The press +complains of the waywardness of the alien. + +The Irishman and the native Californian in their hours of +discontent use the revolver, not once, but six times. The press +records the fact, and asks in the next column whether the world +can parallel the progress of San Francisco. The American who +loves his country will tell you that this sort of thing is +confined to the lower classes. Just at present an ex-judge who +was sent to jail by another judge (upon my word I cannot tell +whether these titles mean anything) is breathing red-hot +vengeance against his enemy. The papers have interviewed both +parties, and confidently expect a fatal issue. + +Now, let me draw breath and curse the negro waiter, and through +him the negro in service generally. He has been made a citizen +with a vote, consequently both political parties play with him. +But that is neither here nor there. He will commit in one meal +every betise that a senllion fresh from the plow-tail is capable +of, and he will continue to repeat those faults. He is as +complete a heavy-footed, uncomprehending, bungle-fisted fool as +any mem-sahib in the East ever took into her establishment. But +he is according to law a free and independent +citizen--consequently above reproof or criticism. He, and he +alone, in this insane city, will wait at table (the Chinaman +doesn't count). + +He is untrained, inept, but he will fill the place and draw the +pay. Now, God and his father's fate made him intellectually +inferior to the Oriental. He insists on pretending that he serves +tables by accident--as a sort of amusement. He wishes you to +understand this little fact. You wish to eat your meals, and, if +possible, to have them properly served. He is a big, black, vain +baby and a man rolled into one. + +A colored gentleman who insisted on getting me pie when I wanted +something else, demanded information about India. I gave him +some facts about wages. + +"Oh, hell!" said he, cheerfully, "that wouldn't keep me in cigars +for a month." + +Then he fawned on me for a ten-cent piece. Later he took it upon +himself to pity the natives of India. "Heathens," he called +them--this woolly one, whose race has been the butt of every +comedy on the native stage since the beginning. And I turned and +saw by the head upon his shoulders that he was a Yoruba man, if +there be any truth in ethnological castes. He did his thinking +in English, but he was a Yoruba negro, and the race type had +remained the same throughout his generations. And the room was +full of other races--some that looked exactly like Gallas (but +the trade was never recruited from that side of Africa), some +duplicates of Cameroon heads, and some Kroomen, if ever Kroomen +wore evening dress. + +The American does not consider little matters of descent, though +by this time he ought to know all about "damnable heredity." As +a general rule he keeps himself very far from the negro, and says +things about him that are not pretty. There are six million +negroes, more or less, in the States, and they are increasing. +The American, once having made them citizens, cannot unmake them. +He says, in his newspapers, they ought to be elevated by +education. He is trying this, but it is likely to be a long job, +because black blood is much more adhesive than white, and throws +back with annoying persistence. When the negro gets religion he +returns directly as a hiving bee to the first instincts of his +people. Just now a wave of religion is sweeping over some of the +Southern States. + +Up to the present two Messiahs and a Daniel have appeared, and +several human sacrifices have been offered up to these +incarnations. The Daniel managed to get three young men, who he +insisted were Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, to walk into a +blast furnace, guaranteeing non-combustion. They did not return. +I have seen nothing of this kind, but I have attended a negro +church. They pray, or are caused to pray by themselves in this +country. The congregation were moved by the spirit to groans and +tears, and one of them danced up the aisle to the mourners' +bench. The motive may have been genuine. The movements of the +shaken body were those of a Zanzibar stick dance, such as you see +at Aden on the coal-boats, and even as I watched the people, the +links that bound them to the white man snapped one by one, and I +saw before me the hubshi (woolly hair) praying to a God he did +not understand. Those neatly dressed folk on the benches, and +the gray-headed elder by the window, were savages, neither more +nor less. + +What will the American do with the negro? The South will not +consort with him. In some States miscegenation is a penal +offence. The North is every year less and less in need of his +services. + +And he will not disappear. He will continue as a problem. His +friends will urge that he is as good as the white man. His +enemies--well, you can guess what his enemies will do from a +little incident that followed on a recent appointment by the +President. He made a negro an assistant in a post-office +where--think of it!--he had to work at the next desk to a white +girl, the daughter of a colonel, one of the first families of +Georgia's modern chivalry, and all the weary, weary rest of it. +The Southern chivalry howled, and hanged or burned some one in +effigy. Perhaps it was the President, and perhaps it was the +negro--but the principle remains the same. They said it was an +insult. It is not good to be a negro in the land of the free and +the home of the brave. + +But this is nothing to do with San Francisco and her merry +maidens, her strong, swaggering men, and her wealth of gold and +pride. They bore me to a banquet in honor of a brave +lieutenant--Carlin, of the "Vandalia"--who stuck by his ship in +the great cyclone at Apia and comported himself as an officer +should. On that occasion--'twas at the Bohemian Club--I heard +oratory with the roundest of o's, and devoured a dinner the +memory of which will descend with me into the hungry grave. + +There were about forty speeches delivered, and not one of them +was average or ordinary. It was my first introduction to the +American eagle screaming for all it was worth. The lieutenant's +heroism served as a peg from which the silver-tongued ones turned +themselves loose and kicked. + +They ransacked the clouds of sunset, the thunderbolts of heaven, +the deeps of hell, and the splendor of the resurrection for +tropes and metaphors, and hurled the result at the head of the +guest of the evening. + +Never since the morning stars sung together for joy, I learned, +had an amazed creation witnessed such superhuman bravery as that +displayed by the American navy in the Samoa cyclone. Till earth +rotted in the phosphorescent star-and-stripe slime of a decayed +universe, that god-like gallantry would not be forgotten. I +grieve that I cannot give the exact words. My attempt at +reproducing their spirit is pale and inadequate. I sat +bewildered on a coruscating Niagara of blatherum-skite. It was +magnificent--it was stupendous--and I was conscious of a wicked +desire to hide my face in a napkin and grin. Then, according to +rule, they produced their dead, and across the snowy tablecloths +dragged the corpse of every man slain in the Civil War, and +hurled defiance at "our natural enemy" (England, so please you), +"with her chain of fortresses across the world." Thereafter they +glorified their nation afresh from the beginning, in case any +detail should have been overlooked, and that made me +uncomfortable for their sakes. How in the world can a white man, +a sahib, of our blood, stand up and plaster praise on his own +country? He can think as highly as he likes, but this +open-mouthed vehemence of adoration struck me almost as +indelicate. My hosts talked for rather more than three hours, +and at the end seemed ready for three hours more. + +But when the lieutenant--such a big, brave, gentle giant--rose to +his feet, he delivered what seemed to me as the speech of the +evening. I remember nearly the whole of it, and it ran +something in this way:--"Gentlemen--It's very good of you to +give me this dinner and to tell me all these prettythings, but +what I want you to understand--the fact is, what we want and what +we ought to get at once, is a navy--more ships--lots of 'em--" + +Then we howled the top of the roof off, and I for one fell in +love with Carlin on the spot. Wallah! He was a man. + +The prince among merchants bid me take no heed to the warlike +sentiments of some of the old generals. + +"The sky-rockets are thrown in for effect," quoth he, "and +whenever we get on our hind legs we always express a desire to +chaw up England. It's a sort of family affair." + +And, indeed, when you come to think of it, there is no other +country for the American public speaker to trample upon. + +France has Germany; we have Russia; for Italy Austria is +provided; and the humblest Pathan possesses an ancestral enemy. + +Only America stands out of the racket, and therefore to be in +fashion makes a sand-bag of the mother country, and hangs her +when occasion requires. + +"The chain of fortresses" man, a fascinating talker, explained to +me after the affair that he was compelled to blow off steam. +Everybody expected it. + +When we had chanted "The Star Spangled Banner" not more than +eight times, we adjourned. America is a very great country, but +it is not yet heaven, with electric lights and plush fittings, as +the speakers professed to believe. My listening mind went back +to the politicians in the saloon, who wasted no time in talking +about freedom, but quietly made arrangements to impose their will +on the citizens. + +"The judge is a great man, but give thy presents to the clerk," +as the proverb saith. + +And what more remains to tell? I cannot write connectedly, +because I am in love with all those girls aforesaid, and some +others who do not appear in the invoice. The typewriter is an +institution of which the comic papers make much capital, but she +is vastly convenient. She and a companion rent a room in a +business quarter, and, aided by a typewriting machine, copy MSS. +at the rate of six annas a page. Only a woman can operate a +typewriting machine, because she has served apprenticeship to the +sewing machine. She can earn as much as one hundred dollars a +month, and professes to regard this form of bread-winning as her +natural destiny. But, oh! how she hates it in her heart of +hearts! When I had got over the surprise of doing business with +and trying to give orders to a young woman of coldly, clerkly +aspect intrenched behind gold-rimmed spectacles, I made inquiries +concerning the pleasures of this independence. They liked +it--indeed they did. 'Twas the natural fate of almost all +girls--the recognized custom in America--and I was a barbarian +not to see it in that light. + +"Well, and after?" said I. "What happens?" + +"We work for our bread." + +"And then what do you expect?" + +"Then we shall work for our bread." + +"Till you die?" + +"Ye-es--unless--" + +"Unless what? This is your business, you know. A man works +until he dies." + +"So shall we"--this without enthusiasm--"I suppose." + +Said the partner in the firm, audaciously:--"Sometimes we marry +our employees--at least, that's what the newspapers say." + +The hand banged on half a dozen of the keys of the machine at +once. "Yet I don't care. I hate it--I hate it--I hate it--and +you needn't look so!" + +The senior partner was regarding the rebel with grave-eyed +reproach. + +"I thought you did," said I. "I don't suppose American girls are +much different from English ones in instinct." + +"Isn't it Theophile Gautier who says that the only difference +between country and country lie in the slang and the uniform of +the police?" + +Now, in the name of all the gods at once, what is one to say to a +young lady (who in England would be a person) who earns her own +bread, and very naturally hates the employ, and slings +out-of-the-way quotations at your head? That one falls in love +with her goes without saying, but that is not enough. + +A mission should be established. + + + +III + +American Salmon + +The race is neither to the swift nor the battle to the strong; +but time and chance cometh to all. + +I HAVE lived! + +The American Continent may now sink under the sea, for I have +taken the best that it yields, and the best was neither dollars, +love, nor real estate. + +Hear now, gentlemen of the Punjab Fishing Club, who whip the +reaches of the Tavi, and you who painfully import trout over to +Octamund, and I will tell you how old man California and I went +fishing, and you shall envy. + +We returned from The Dalles to Portland by the way we had come, +the steamer stopping en route to pick up a night's catch of one +of the salmon wheels on the river, and to deliver it at a cannery +downstream. + +When the proprietor of the wheel announced that his take was two +thousand two hundred and thirty pounds weight of fish, "and not a +heavy catch neither," I thought he lied. But he sent the boxes +aboard, and I counted the salmon by the hundred--huge +fifty-pounders hardly dead, scores of twenty and thirty pounders, +and a host of smaller fish. They were all Chenook salmon, as +distinguished from the "steel head" and the "silver side." That +is to say, they were royal salmon, and California and I dropped a +tear over them, as monarchs who deserved a better fate; but the +lust of slaughter entered into our souls, and we talked fish and +forgot the mountain scenery that had so moved us a day before. + +The steamer halted at a rude wooden warehouse built on piles in a +lonely reach of the river, and sent in the fish. I followed them +up a scale-strewn, fishy incline that led to the cannery. The +crazy building was quivering with the machinery on its floors, +and a glittering bank of tin scraps twenty feet high showed where +the waste was thrown after the cans had been punched. + +Only Chinamen were employed on the work, and they looked like +blood-besmeared yellow devils as they crossed the rifts of +sunlight that lay upon the floor. When our consignment arrived, +the rough wooden boxes broke of themselves as they were dumped +down under a jet of water, and the salmon burst out in a stream +of quicksilver. A Chinaman jerked up a twenty-pounder, beheaded +and detailed it with two swift strokes of a knife, flicked out +its internal arrangements with a third, and case it into a +blood-dyed tank. The headless fish leaped from under his hands +as though they were facing a rapid. Other Chinamen pulled them +from the vat and thrust them under a thing like a chaff-cutter, +which, descending, hewed them into unseemly red gobbets fit for +the can. + +More Chinamen, with yellow, crooked fingers, jammed the stuff +into the cans, which slid down some marvellous machine forthwith, +soldering their own tops as they passed. Each can was hastily +tested for flaws, and then sunk with a hundred companions into a +vat of boiling water, there to be half cooked for a few minutes. +The cans bulged slightly after the operation, and were therefore +slidden along by the trolleyful to men with needles and +soldering-irons who vented them and soldered the aperture. +Except for the label, the "Finest Columbia Salmon" was ready for +the market. I was impressed not so much with the speed of the +manufacture as the character of the factory. Inside, on a floor +ninety by forty, the most civilized and murderous of machinery. +Outside, three footsteps, the thick-growing pines and the immense +solitude of the hills. Our steamer only stayed twenty minutes at +that place, but I counted two hundred and forty finished cans +made from the catch of the previous night ere I left the +slippery, blood-stained, scale-spangled, oily floors and the +offal-smeared Chinamen. + +We reached Portland, California and I crying for salmon, and a +real-estate man, to whom we had been intrusted by an insurance +man, met us in the street, saying that fifteen miles away, across +country, we should come upon a place called Clackamas, where we +might perchance find what we desired. And California, his +coat-tails flying in the wind, ran to a livery-stable and +chartered a wagon and team forthwith. I could push the wagon +about with one hand, so light was its structure. The team was +purely American--that is to say, almost human in its intelligence +and docility. Some one said that the roads were not good on the +way to Clackamas, and warned us against smashing the springs. +"Portland," who had watched the preparations, finally reckoned +"He'd come along, too;" and under heavenly skies we three +companions of a day set forth, California carefully lashing our +rods into the carriage, and the by-standers overwhelming us with +directions as to the saw-mills we were to pass, the ferries we +were to cross, and the sign-posts we were to seek signs from. +Half a mile from this city of fifty thousand souls we struck (and +this must be taken literally) a plank road that would have been a +disgrace to an Irish village. + +Then six miles of macadamized road showed us that the team could +move. A railway ran between us and the banks of the Willamette, +and another above us through the mountains. All the land was +dotted with small townships, and the roads were full of farmers +in their town wagons, bunches of tow-haired, boggle-eyed urchins +sitting in the hay behind. The men generally looked like +loafers, but their women were all well dressed. + +Brown braiding on a tailor-made jacket does not, however, consort +with hay-wagons. Then we struck into the woods along what +California called a camina reale--a good road--and Portland a +"fair track." It wound in and out among fire-blackened stumps +under pine-trees, along the corners of log fences, through +hollows, which must be hopeless marsh in the winter, and up +absurd gradients. But nowhere throughout its length did I see +any evidence of road-making. There was a track--you couldn't well +get off it, and it was all you could do to stay on it. The dust +lay a foot thick in the blind ruts, and under the dust we found +bits of planking and bundles of brushwood that sent the wagon +bounding into the air. The journey in itself was a delight. +Sometimes we crashed through bracken; anon, where the +blackberries grew rankest, we found a lonely little cemetery, the +wooden rails all awry and the pitiful, stumpy head-stones nodding +drunkenly at the soft green mullions. Then, with oaths and the +sound of rent underwood, a yoke of mighty bulls would swing down +a "skid" road, hauling a forty-foot log along a rudely made +slide. + +A valley full of wheat and cherry-trees succeeded, and halting at +a house, we bought ten-pound weight of luscious black cherries +for something less than a rupee, and got a drink of icy-cold +water for nothing, while the untended team browsed sagaciously by +the road-side. Once we found a way-side camp of horse-dealers +lounging by a pool, ready for a sale or a swap, and once two +sun-tanned youngsters shot down a hill on Indian ponies, their +full creels banging from the high-pommelled saddle. They had +been fishing, and were our brethren, therefore. We shouted aloud +in chorus to scare a wild cat; we squabbled over the reasons that +had led a snake to cross a road; we heaved bits of bark at a +venturesome chipmunk, who was really the little gray squirrel of +India, and had come to call on me; we lost our way, and got the +wagon so beautifully fixed on a khud-bound road that we had to +tie the two hind wheels to get it down. + +Above all, California told tales of Nevada and Arizona, of lonely +nights spent out prospecting, the slaughter of deer and the chase +of men, of woman--lovely woman--who is a firebrand in a Western +city and leads to the popping of pistols, and of the sudden +changes and chances of Fortune, who delights in making the miner +or the lumber-man a quadruplicate millionaire and in "busting" +the railroad king. + +That was a day to be remembered, and it had only begun when we +drew rein at a tiny farm-house on the banks of the Clackamas and +sought horse feed and lodging, ere we hastened to the river that +broke over a weir not a quarter of a mile away. Imagine a stream +seventy yards broad divided by a pebbly island, running over +seductive "riffles" and swirling into deep, quiet pools, where +the good salmon goes to smoke his pipe after meals. Get such a +stream amid fields of breast-high crops surrounded by hills of +pines, throw in where you please quiet water, long-fenced +meadows, and a hundred-foot bluff just to keep the scenery from +growing too monotonous, and you will get some faint notion of the +Clackamas. The weir had been erected to pen the Chenook salmon +from going further up-stream. We could see them, twenty or thirty +pounds, by the score in the deep pools, or flying madly against +the weir and foolishly skinning their noses. They were not our +prey, for they would not rise at a fly, and we knew it. All the +same, when one made his leap against the weir, and landed on the +foot-plank with a jar that shook the board I was standing on, I +would fain have claimed him for my own capture. + +Portland had no rod. He held the gaff and the whiskey. +California sniffed up-stream and down-stream, across the racing +water, chose his ground, and let the gaudy fly drop in the tail +of a riffle. I was getting my rod together, when I heard the +joyous shriek of the reel and the yells of California, and three +feet of living silver leaped into the air far across the water. +The forces were engaged. + +The salmon tore up-stream, the tense line cutting the water like +a tide-rip behind him, and the light bamboo bowed to breaking. +What happened thereafter I cannot tell. California swore and +prayed, and Portland shouted advice, and I did all three for what +appeared to be half a day, but was in reality a little over a +quarter of an hour, and sullenly our fish came home with spurts +of temper, dashes head on and sarabands in the air, but home to +the bank came he, and the remorseless reel gathered up the thread +of his life inch by inch. We landed him in a little bay, and the +spring weight in his gorgeous gills checked at eleven and one +half pounds. Eleven and one half pounds of fighting salmon! We +danced a war-dance on the pebbles, and California caught me round +the waist in a hug that went near to breaking my ribs, while he +shouted:--"Partner! Partner! This is glory! Now you catch your +fish! Twenty-four years I've waited for this!" + +I went into that icy-cold river and made my cast just above the +weir, and all but foul-hooked a blue-and-black water-snake with a +coral mouth who coiled herself on a stone and hissed +male-dictions. + +The next cast--ah, the pride of it, the regal splendor of it! the +thrill that ran down from finger-tip to toe! Then the water +boiled. He broke for the fly and got it. There remained enough +sense in me to give him all he wanted when he jumped not once, +but twenty times, before the up-stream flight that ran my line +out to the last half-dozen turns, and I saw the nickelled +reel-bar glitter under the thinning green coils. My thumb was +burned deep when I strove to stopper the line. + +I did not feel it till later, for my soul was out in the dancing +weir, praying for him to turn ere he took my tackle away. And +the prayer was heard. As I bowed back, the butt of the rod on my +left hip-bone and the top joint dipping like unto a weeping +willow, he turned and accepted each inch of slack that I could by +any means get in as a favor from on high. There lie several +sorts of success in this world that taste well in the moment of +enjoyment, but I question whether the stealthy theft of line from +an able-bodied salmon who knows exactly what you are doing and +why you are doing it is not sweeter than any other victory within +human scope. Like California's fish, he ran at me head on, and +leaped against the line, but the Lord gave me two hundred and +fifty pairs of fingers in that hour. The banks and the +pine-trees danced dizzily round me, but I only reeled--reeled as +for life--reeled for hours, and at the end of the reeling +continued to give him the butt while he sulked in a pool. +California was further up the reach, and with the corner of my +eye I could see him casting with long casts and much skill. Then +he struck, and my fish broke for the weir in the same instant, +and down the reach we came, California and I, reel answering reel +even as the morning stars sing together. + +The first wild enthusiasm of capture had died away. We were both +at work now in deadly earnest to prevent the lines fouling, to +stall off a down-stream rush for shaggy water just above the +weir, and at the same time to get the fish into the shallow bay +down-stream that gave the best practicable landing. Portland bid +us both be of good heart, and volunteered to take the rod from my +hands. + +I would rather have died among the pebbles than surrender my +right to play and land a salmon, weight unknown, with an +eight-ounce rod. I heard California, at my ear, it seemed, +gasping: "He's a fighter from Fightersville, sure!" as his fish +made a fresh break across the stream. I saw Portland fall off a +log fence, break the overhanging bank, and clatter down to the +pebbles, all sand and landing-net, and I dropped on a log to rest +for a moment. As I drew breath the weary hands slackened their +hold, and I forgot to give him the butt. + +A wild scutter in the water, a plunge, and a break for the +head-waters of the Clackamas was my reward, and the weary toil of +reeling in with one eye under the water and the other on the top +joint of the rod was renewed. Worst of all, I was blocking +California's path to the little landing bay aforesaid, and he had +to halt and tire his prize where he was. + +"The father of all the salmon!" he shouted. "For the love of +Heaven, get your trout to bank, Johnny Bull!" + +But I could do no more. Even the insult failed to move me. The +rest of the game was with the salmon. He suffered himself to be +drawn, skip-ping with pretended delight at getting to the haven +where I would fain bring him. Yet no sooner did he feel shoal +water under his ponderous belly than he backed like a +torpedo-boat, and the snarl of the reel told me that my labor was +in vain. A dozen times, at least, this happened ere the line +hinted he had given up the battle and would be towed in. He was +towed. The landing-net was useless for one of his size, and I +would not have him gaffed. I stepped into the shallows and +heaved him out with a respectful hand under the gill, for which +kindness he battered me about the legs with his tail, and I felt +the strength of him and was proud. California had taken my place +in the shallows, his fish hard held. I was up the bank lying +full length on the sweet-scented grass and gasping in company +with my first salmon caught, played and landed on an eight-ounce +rod. My hands were cut and bleeding, I was dripping with sweat, +spangled like a harlequin with scales, water from my waist down, +nose peeled by the sun, but utterly, supremely, and consummately +happy. + +The beauty, the darling, the daisy, my Salmon Bahadur, weighed +twelve pounds, and I had been seven-and-thirty minutes bringing +him to bank! He had been lightly hooked on the angle of the right +jaw, and the hook had not wearied him. That hour I sat among +princes and crowned heads greater than them all. Below the bank +we heard California scuffling with his salmon and swearing +Spanish oaths. Portland and I assisted at the capture, and the +fish dragged the spring balance out by the roots. It was only +constructed to weigh up to fifteen pounds. We stretched the +three fish on the grass--the eleven and a half, the twelve and +fifteen pounder--and we gave an oath that all who came after +should merely be weighed and put back again. + +How shall I tell the glories of that day so that you may be +interested? Again and again did California and I prance down +that reach to the little bay, each with a salmon in tow, and land +him in the shallows. Then Portland took my rod and caught some +ten-pounders, and my spoon was carried away by an unknown +leviathan. Each fish, for the merits of the three that had died +so gamely, was hastily hooked on the balance and flung back. +Portland recorded the weight in a pocket-book, for he was a +real-estate man. Each fish fought for all he was worth, and none +more savagely than the smallest, a game little six-pounder. At +the end of six hours we added up the list. Read it. Total: +Sixteen fish; aggregate weight, one hundred and forty pounds. +The score in detail runs something like this--it is only +interesting to those concerned: fifteen, eleven and a half, +twelve, ten, nine and three quarters, eight, and so forth; as I +have said, nothing under six pounds, and three ten-pounders. + +Very solemnly and thankfully we put up our rods--it was glory +enough for all time--and returned weeping in each other's arms, +weeping tears of pure joy, to that simple, bare-legged family in +the packing-case house by the water-side. + +The old farmer recollected days and nights of fierce warfare with +the Indians "way back in the fifties," when every ripple of the +Columbia River and her tributaries hid covert danger. God had +dowered him with a queer, crooked gift of expression and a fierce +anxiety for the welfare of his two little sons--tanned and +reserved children, who attended school daily and spoke good +English in a strange tongue. + +His wife was an austere woman, who had once been kindly, and +perhaps handsome. + +Very many years of toil had taken the elasticity out of step and +voice. She looked for nothing better than everlasting work--the +chafing detail of housework--and then a grave somewhere up the +hill among the blackberries and the pines. + +But in her grim way she sympathized with her eldest daughter, a +small and silent maiden of eighteen, who had thoughts very far +from the meals she tended and the pans she scoured. + +We stumbled into the household at a crisis, and there was a deal +of downright humanity in that same. A bad, wicked dress-maker +had promised the maiden a dress in time for a to-morrow's +rail-way journey, and though the barefooted Georgy, who stood in +very wholesome awe of his sister, had scoured the woods on a pony +in search, that dress never arrived. So, with sorrow in her +heart and a hundred Sister-Anne glances up the road, she waited +upon the strangers and, I doubt not, cursed them for the wants +that stood between her and her need for tears. It was a genuine +little tragedy. The mother, in a heavy, passionless voice, +rebuked her impatience, yet sat up far into the night, bowed over +a heap of sewing for the daughter's benefit. + +These things I beheld in the long marigold-scented twilight and +whispering night, loafing round the little house with California, +who un-folded himself like a lotus to the moon, or in the little +boarded bunk that was our bedroom, swap-ping tales with Portland +and the old man. + +Most of the yarns began in this way:--"Red Larry was a +bull-puncher back of Lone County, Montana," or "There was a man +riding the trail met a jack-rabbit sitting in a cactus," or +"'Bout the time of the San Diego land boom, a woman from +Monterey," etc. + +You can try to piece out for yourselves what sort of stories they +were. + + + +IV + +The Yellowstone + +ONCE upon a time there was a carter who brought his team and a +friend into the Yellowstone Park without due thought. Presently +they came upon a few of the natural beauties of the place, and +that carter turned his team into his friend's team, +howling:--"Get out o' this, Jim. All hell's alight under our +noses!" + +And they called the place Hell's Half-Acre to this day to witness +if the carter lied. + +We, too, the old lady from Chicago, her husband, Tom, and the +good little mares, came to Hell's Half-Acre, which is about sixty +acres in extent, and when Tom said:--"Would you like to drive +over it?" + +We said:--"Certainly not, and if you do we shall report you to +the park authorities." + +There was a plain, blistered, peeled, and abominable, and it was +given over to the sportings and spoutings of devils who threw +mud, and steam, and dirt at each other with whoops, and halloos, +and bellowing curses. + +The places smelled of the refuse of the pit, and that odor mixed +with the clean, wholesome aroma of the pines in our nostrils +throughout the day. + +This Yellowstone Park is laid out like Ollendorf, in exercises of +progressive difficulty. Hell's Half-Acre was a prelude to ten or +twelve miles of geyser formation. + +We passed hot streams boiling in the forest; saw whiffs of steam +beyond these, and yet other whiffs breaking through the misty +green hills in the far distance; we trampled on sulphur in +crystals, and sniffed things much worse than any sulphur which is +known to the upper world; and so journeying, bewildered with the +novelty, came upon a really park-like place where Tom suggested +we should get out and play with the geysers on foot. + +Imagine mighty green fields splattered with lime-beds, all the +flowers of the summer growing up to the very edge of the lime. +That was our first glimpse of the geyser basins. + +The buggy had pulled up close to a rough, broken, blistered cone +of spelter stuff between ten and twenty feet high. There was +trouble in that place--moaning, splashing, gurgling, and the +clank of machinery. A spurt of boiling water jumped into the +air, and a wash of water followed. + +I removed swiftly. The old lady from Chicago shrieked. "What a +wicked waste!" said her husband. + +I think they call it the Riverside Geyser. Its spout was torn +and ragged like the mouth of a gun when a shell has burst there. +It grumbled madly for a moment or two, and then was still. I +crept over the steaming lime--it was the burning marl on which +Satan lay--and looked fearfully down its mouth. You should never +look a gift geyser in the mouth. + +I beheld a horrible, slippery, slimy funnel with water rising and +falling ten feet at a time. Then the water rose to lip level +with a rush, and an infernal bubbling troubled this Devil's +Bethesda before the sullen heave of the crest of a wave lapped +over the edge and made me run. + +Mark the nature of the human soul! I had begun with awe, not to +say terror, for this was my first experience of such things. I +stepped back from the banks of the Riverside Geyser, +saying:--"Pooh! Is that all it can do?" + +Yet for aught I knew, the whole thing might have blown up at a +minute's notice, she, he, or it being an arrangement of uncertain +temper. + +We drifted on, up that miraculous valley. On either side of us +were hills from a thousand or fifteen hundred feet high, wooded +from crest to heel. As far as the eye could range forward were +columns of steam in the air, misshapen lumps of lime, mist-like +preadamite monsters, still pools of turquoise-blue stretches of +blue corn-flowers, a river that coiled on itself twenty times, +pointed bowlders of strange colors, and ridges of glaring, +staring white. + +A moon-faced trooper of German extraction--never was park so +carefully patrolled--came up to inform us that as yet we had not +seen any of the real geysers; that they were all a mile or so up +the valley, and tastefully scattered round the hotel in which we +would rest for the night. + +America is a free country, but the citizens look down on the +soldier. I had to entertain that trooper. The old lady from +Chicago would have none of him; so we loafed alone together, now +across half-rotten pine logs sunk in swampy ground, anon over the +ringing geyser formation, then pounding through river-sand or +brushing knee-deep through long grass. + +"And why did you enlist?" said I. + +The moon-faced one's face began to work. I thought he would have +a fit, but he told me a story instead--such a nice tale of a +naughty little girl who wrote pretty love letters to two men at +once. She was a simple village wife, but a wicked "family +novelette" countess couldn't have accomplished her ends better. +She drove one man nearly wild with the pretty little treachery, +and the other man abandoned her and came West to forget the +trickery. + +Moon-face was that man. + +We rounded and limped over a low spur of hill, and came out upon +a field of aching, snowy lime rolled in sheets, twisted into +knots, riven with rents, and diamonds, and stars, stretching for +more than half a mile in every direction. + +On this place of despair lay most of the big, bad geysers who +know when there is trouble in Krakatoa, who tell the pines when +there is a cyclone on the Atlantic seaboard, and who are +exhibited to visitors under pretty and fanciful names. + +The first mound that I encountered belonged to a goblin who was +splashing in his tub. + +I heard him kick, pull a shower-bath on his shoulders, gasp, +crack his joints, and rub himself down with a towel; then he let +the water out of the bath, as a thoughtful man should, and it all +sunk down out of sight till another goblin arrived. + +So we looked and we wondered at the Beehive, whose mouth is built +up exactly like a hive, at the Turban (which is not in the least +like a turban), and at many, many other geysers, hot holes, and +springs. Some of them rumbled, some hissed, some went off +spasmodically, and others lay dead still in sheets of sapphire +and beryl. + +Would you believe that even these terrible creatures have to be +guarded by the troopers to prevent the irreverent Americans from +chipping the cones to pieces, or, worse still, making the geyser +sick? If you take a small barrel full of soft-soap and drop it +down a geyser's mouth, that geyser will presently be forced to +lay all before you, and for days afterward will be of an +irritated and inconstant stomach. + +When they told me the tale I was filled with sympathy. Now I +wish that I had soft-soap and tried the experiment on some lonely +little beast far away in the woods. It sounds so probable and so +human. + +Yet he would be a bold man who would administer emetics to the +Giantess. She is flat-lipped, having no mouth; she looks like a +pool, fifty feet long and thirty wide, and there is no +ornamentation about her. At irregular intervals she speaks and +sends up a volume of water over two hundred feet high to begin +with, then she is angry for a day and a half--sometimes for two +days. + +Owing to her peculiarity of going mad in the night, not many +people have seen the Giantess at her finest; but the clamor of +her unrest, men say, shakes the wooden hotel, and echoes like +thunder among the hills. + +The congregation returned to the hotel to put down their +impressions in diaries and note-books, which they wrote up +ostentatiously in the verandas. It was a sweltering hot day, +albeit we stood some-what higher than the level of Simla, and I +left that raw pine creaking caravansary for the cool shade of a +clump of pines between whose trunks glimmered tents. + +A batch of United States troopers came down the road and flung +themselves across the country into their rough lines. The +Melican cavalryman can ride, though he keeps his accoutrements +pig-fashion and his horse cow-fashion. + +I was free of that camp in five minutes--free to play with the +heavy, lumpy carbines, have the saddles stripped, and punch the +horses knowingly in the ribs. One of the men had been in the +fight with "Wrap-up-his-Tail," and he told me how that great +chief, his horse's tail tied up in red calico, swaggered in front +of the United States cavalry, challenging all to single combat. +But he was slain, and a few of his tribe with him. + +"There's no use in an Indian, anyway," concluded my friend. + +A couple of cow-boys--real cow-boys--jingled through the camp +amid a shower of mild chaff. They were on their way to Cook +City, I fancy, and I know that they never washed. But they were +picturesque ruffians exceedingly, with long spurs, hooded +stirrups, slouch hats, fur weather-cloth over their knees, and +pistol-butts just easy to hand. + +"The cow-boy's goin' under before long," said my friend. "Soon +as the country's settled up he'll have to go. But he's mighty +useful now. What would we do without the cow-boy?" + +"As how?" said I, and the camp laughed. + +"He has the money. We have the skill. He comes in winter to +play poker at the military posts. We play poker--a few. When +he's lost his money we make him drunk and let him go. Sometimes +we get the wrong man." + +And he told me a tale of an innocent cow-boy who turned up, +cleaned out, at an army post, and played poker for thirty-six +hours. But it was the post that was cleaned out when that +long-haired Caucasian removed himself, heavy with everybody's pay +and declining the proffered liquor. + +"Noaw," said the historian, "I don't play with no cow-boy unless +he's a little bit drunk first." + +Ere I departed I gathered from more than one man the significant +fact that up to one hundred yards he felt absolutely secure +behind his revolver. + +"In England, I understand," quoth the limber youth from the +South,--"in England a man isn't allowed to play with no +fire-arms. He's got to be taught all that when he enlists. I +didn't want much teaching how to shoot straight 'fore I served +Uncle Sam. And that's just where it is. But you was talking +about your Horse Guards now?" + +I explained briefly some peculiarities of equipment connected +with our crackest crack cavalry. I grieve to say the camp roared. + +"Take 'em over swampy ground. Let 'em run around a bit an' work +the starch out of 'em, an' then, Almighty, if we wouldn't plug +'em at ease I'd eat their horses." + +There was a maiden--a very little maiden--who had just stepped +out of one of James's novels. She owned a delightful mother and +an equally delightful father--a heavy-eyed, slow-voiced man of +finance. The parents thought that their daughter wanted change. + +She lived in New Hampshire. Accordingly, she had dragged them up +to Alaska and to the Yosemite Valley, and was now returning +leisurely, via the Yellowstone, just in time for the tail-end of +the summer season at Saratoga. + +We had met once or twice before in the park, and I had been +amazed and amused at her critical commendation of the wonders +that she saw. From that very resolute little mouth I received a +lecture on American literature, the nature and inwardness of +Washington society, the precise value of Cable's works as +compared with Uncle Remus Harris, and a few other things that had +nothing whatever to do with geysers, but were altogether +pleasant. + +Now, an English maiden who had stumbled on a dust-grimed, +lime-washed, sun-peeled, collarless wanderer come from and going +to goodness knows where, would, her mother inciting her and her +father brandishing an umbrella, have regarded him as a dissolute +adventurer--a person to be disregarded. + +Not so those delightful people from New Hampshire. They were +good enough to treat him--it sounds almost incredible--as a human +being, possibly respectable, probably not in immediate need of +financial assistance. + +Papa talked pleasantly and to the point. + +The little maiden strove valiantly with the accent of her birth +and that of her rearing, and mamma smiled benignly in the +background. + +Balance this with a story of a young English idiot I met mooning +about inside his high collar, attended by a valet. He +condescended to tell me that "you can't be too careful who you +talk to in these parts." And stalked on, fearing, I suppose, +every minute for his social chastity. + +That man was a barbarian (I took occasion to tell him so), for he +comported himself after the manner of the head-hunters and hunted +of Assam who are at perpetual feud one with another. + +You will understand that these foolish stories are introduced in +order to cover the fact that this pen cannot describe the glories +of the Upper Geyser Basin. The evening I spent under the lee of +the Castle Geyser, sitting on a log with some troopers and +watching a baronial keep forty feet high spouting hot water. If +the Castle went off first, they said the Giantess would be quiet, +and vice versa, and then they told tales till the moon got up and +a party of campers in the woods gave us all something to eat. + +Then came soft, turfy forest that deadened the wheels, and two +troopers on detachment duty stole noiselessly behind us. One was +the Wrap-up-his-Tail man, and they talked merrily while the +half-broken horses bucked about among the trees. And so a cavalry +escort was with us for a mile, till we got to a mighty hill +strewn with moss agates, and everybody had to jump out and pant +in that thin air. But how intoxicating it was! The old lady from +Chicago ducked like an emancipated hen as she scuttled about the +road, cramming pieces of rock into her reticule. She sent me +fifty yards down to the hill-side to pick up a piece of broken +bottle which she insisted was moss agate. + +"I've some o' that at home, an' they shine. Yes, you go get it, +young man." + +As we climbed the long path the road grew viler and viler till it +became, without disguise, the bed of a torrent; and just when +things were at their rockiest we nearly fell into a little +sapphire lake--but never sapphire was so blue--called Mary's +Lake; and that between eight and nine thousand feet above the +sea. + +Afterward, grass downs, all on a vehement slope, so that the +buggy, following the new-made road, ran on the two off-wheels +mostly till we dipped head-first into a ford, climbed up a cliff, +raced along down, dipped again, and pulled up dishevelled at +"Larry's" for lunch and an hour's rest. + +Then we lay on the grass and laughed with sheer bliss of being +alive. This have I known once in Japan, once on the banks of the +Columbia, what time the salmon came in and California howled, and +once again in the Yellowstone by the light of the eyes of the +maiden from New Hampshire. Four little pools lay at my elbow, +one was of black water (tepid), one clear water (cold), one clear +water (hot), one red water (boiling). My newly washed +handkerchief covered them all, and we two marvelled as children +marvel. + +"This evening we shall do the Grand Canyon of the Yellowstone," +said the maiden. + +"Together?" said I; and she said, "Yes." + +The sun was beginning to sink when we heard the roar of falling +waters and came to a broad river along whose banks we ran. And +then--I might at a pinch describe the infernal regions, but not +the other place. The Yellowstone River has occasion to run +through a gorge about eight miles long. To get to the bottom of +the gorge it makes two leaps, one of about one hundred and twenty +and the other of three hundred feet. I investigated the upper or +lesser fall, which is close to the hotel. + +Up to that time nothing particular happens to the +Yellowstone--its banks being only rocky, rather steep, and +plentifully adorned with pines. + +At the falls it comes round a corner, green, solid, ribbed with a +little foam, and not more than thirty yards wide. Then it goes +over, still green, and rather more solid than before. After a +minute or two, you, sitting upon a rock directly above the drop, +begin to understand that something has occurred; that the river +has jumped between solid cliff walls, and that the gentle froth +of water lapping the sides of the gorge below is really the +outcome of great waves. + +And the river yells aloud; but the cliffs do not allow the yells +to escape. + +That inspection began with curiosity and finished in terror, for +it seemed that the whole world was sliding in chrysolite from +under my feet. I followed with the others round the corner to +arrive at the brink of the canyon. We had to climb up a nearly +perpendicular ascent to begin with, for the ground rises more +than the river drops. Stately pine woods fringe either lip of +the gorge, which is the gorge of the Yellowstone. You'll find all +about it in the guide books. + +All that I can say is that without warning or preparation I +looked into a gulf seventeen hundred feet deep, with eagles and +fish-hawks circling far below. And the sides of that gulf were +one wild welter of color--crimson, emerald, cobalt, ochre, amber, +honey splashed with port wine, snow white, vermilion, lemon, and +silver gray in wide washes. The sides did not fall sheer, but +were graven by time, and water, and air into monstrous heads of +kings, dead chiefs--men and women of the old time. So far below +that no sound of its strife could reach us, the Yellowstone River +ran a finger-wide strip of jade green. + +The sunlight took those wondrous walls and gave fresh hues to +those that nature had already laid there. + +Evening crept through the pines that shadowed us, but the full +glory of the day flamed in that canyon as we went out very +cautiously to a jutting piece of rock--blood-red or pink it +was--that overhung the deepest deeps of all. + +Now I know what it is to sit enthroned amid the clouds of sunset +as the spirits sit in Blake's pictures. Giddiness took away all +sensation of touch or form, but the sense of blinding color +remained. + +When I reached the mainland again I had sworn that I had been +floating. + +The maid from New Hampshire said no word for a very long time. +Then she quoted poetry, which was perhaps the best thing she +could have done. + +"And to think that this show-place has been going on all these +days an' none of we ever saw it," said the old lady from Chicago, +with an acid glance at her husband. + +"No, only the Injians," said he, unmoved; and the maiden and I +laughed. + +Inspiration is fleeting, beauty is vain, and the power of the +mind for wonder limited. Though the shining hosts themselves had +risen choiring from the bottom of the gorge, they would not have +prevented her papa and one baser than he from rolling stones down +those stupendous rainbow-washed slides. Seventeen hundred feet +of steep-est pitch and rather more than seventeen hundred colors +for log or bowlder to whirl through! + +So we heaved things and saw them gather way and bound from white +rock to red or yellow, dragging behind them torrents of color, +till the noise of their descent ceased and they bounded a hundred +yards clear at the last into the Yellowstone. + +"I've been down there," said Tom, that evening. "It's easy to +get down if you're careful--just sit an' slide; but getting up is +worse. An' I found down below there two stones just marked with +a picture of the canyon. I wouldn't sell these rocks not for +fifteen dollars." + +And papa and I crawled down to the Yellowstone--just above the +first little fall--to wet a line for good luck. The round moon +came up and turned the cliffs and pines into silver; and a +two-pound trout came up also, and we slew him among the rocks, +nearly tumbling into that wild river. + + . . . . . . + +Then out and away to Livingstone once more. The maiden from New +Hampshire disappeared, papa and mamma with her. Disappeared, +too, the old lady from Chicago, and the others. + + + +V + +Chicago + + "I know thy cunning and thy greed, + Thy hard high lust and wilful deed, + And all thy glory loves to tell + Of specious gifts material." + +I HAVE struck a city--a real city--and they call it Chicago. + +The other places do not count. San Francisco was a +pleasure-resort as well as a city, and Salt Lake was a +phenomenon. + +This place is the first American city I have encountered. It +holds rather more than a million of people with bodies, and +stands on the same sort of soil as Calcutta. Having seen it, I +urgently desire never to see it again. It is inhabited by +savages. Its water is the water of the Hooghly, and its air is +dirt. Also it says that it is the "boss" town of America. + +I do not believe that it has anything to do with this country. +They told me to go to the Palmer House, which is overmuch gilded +and mirrored, and there I found a huge hall of tessellated marble +crammed with people talking about money, and spitting about +everywhere. Other barbarians charged in and out of this inferno +with letters and telegrams in their hands, and yet others shouted +at each other. A man who had drunk quite as much as was good for +him told me that this was "the finest hotel in the finest city on +God Almighty's earth." By the way, when an American wishes to +indicate the next country or state, he says, "God A'mighty's +earth." This prevents discussion and flatters his vanity. + +Then I went out into the streets, which are long and flat and +without end. And verily it is not a good thing to live in the +East for any length of time. Your ideas grow to clash with those +held by every right-thinking man. I looked down interminable +vistas flanked with nine, ten, and fifteen-storied houses, and +crowded with men and women, and the show impressed me with a +great horror. + +Except in London--and I have forgotten what London was like--I +had never seen so many white people together, and never such a +collection of miserables. There was no color in the street and +no beauty--only a maze of wire ropes overhead and dirty stone +flagging under foot. + +A cab-driver volunteered to show me the glory of the town for so +much an hour, and with him I wandered far. He conceived that all +this turmoil and squash was a thing to be reverently admired, +that it was good to huddle men together in fifteen layers, one +atop of the other, and to dig holes in the ground for offices. + +He said that Chicago was a live town, and that all the creatures +hurrying by me were engaged in business. That is to say they +were trying to make some money that they might not die through +lack of food to put into their bellies. He took me to canals as +black as ink, and filled with un-told abominations, and bid me +watch the stream of traffic across the bridges. + +He then took me into a saloon, and while I drank made me note +that the floor was covered with coins sunk in cement. A +Hottentot would not have been guilty of this sort of barbarism. +The coins made an effect pretty enough, but the man who put them +there had no thought of beauty, and, therefore, he was a savage. + +"Then my cab-driver showed me business blocks gay with signs and +studded with fantastic and absurd advertisements of goods, and +looking down the long street so adorned, it was as though each +vender stood at his door howling:--"For the sake of my money, +employ or buy of me, and me only!" + +Have you ever seen a crowd at a famine-relief distribution? You +know then how the men leap into the air, stretching out their +arms above the crowd in the hope of being seen, while the women +dolorously slap the stomachs of their children and whimper. I +had sooner watch famine relief than the white man engaged in what +he calls legitimate competition. The one I understand. The +other makes me ill. + +And the cabman said that these things were the proof of progress, +and by that I knew he had been reading his newspaper, as every +intelligent American should. The papers tell their clientele in +language fitted to their comprehension that the snarling together +of telegraph-wires, the heaving up of houses, and the making of +money is progress. + +I spent ten hours in that huge wilderness, wandering through +scores of miles of these terrible streets and jostling some few +hundred thousand of these terrible people who talked paisa bat +through their noses. + +The cabman left me; but after awhile I picked up another man, who +was full of figures, and into my ears he poured them as occasion +required or the big blank factories suggested. Here they turned +out so many hundred thousand dollars' worth of such and such an +article; there so many million other things; this house was worth +so many million dollars; that one so many million, more or less. +It was like listening to a child babbling of its hoard of shells. +It was like watching a fool playing with buttons. But I was +expected to do more than listen or watch. He demanded that I +should admire; and the utmost that I could say was:--"Are these +things so? Then I am very sorry for you." + +That made him angry, and he said that insular envy made me +unresponsive. So, you see, I could not make him understand. + +About four and a half hours after Adam was turned out of the +Garden of Eden he felt hungry, and so, bidding Eve take care that +her head was not broken by the descending fruit, shinned up a +cocoanut-palm. That hurt his legs, cut his breast, and made him +breathe heavily, and Eve was tormented with fear lest her lord +should miss his footing, and so bring the tragedy of this world +to an end ere the curtain had fairly risen. Had I met Adam then, +I should have been sorry for him. To-day I find eleven hundred +thousand of his sons just as far advanced as their father in the +art of getting food, and immeasurably inferior to him in that +they think that their palm-trees lead straight to the skies. +Consequently, I am sorry in rather more than a million different +ways. + +In the East bread comes naturally, even to the poorest, by a +little scratching or the gift of a friend not quite so poor. In +less favored countries one is apt to forget. Then I went to bed. +And that was on a Saturday night. + +Sunday brought me the queerest experiences of all--a revelation +of barbarism complete. I found a place that was officially +described as a church. It was a circus really, but that the +worshippers did not know. There were flowers all about the +building, which was fitted up with plush and stained oak and much +luxury, including twisted brass candlesticks of severest Gothic +design. + +To these things and a congregation of savages entered suddenly a +wonderful man, completely in the confidence of their God, whom he +treated colloquially and exploited very much as a newspaper +reporter would exploit a foreign potentate. But, unlike the +newspaper reporter, he never allowed his listeners to forget that +he, and not He, was the centre of attraction. With a voice of +silver and with imagery borrowed from the auction-room, he built +up for his hearers a heaven on the lines of the Palmer House (but +with all the gilding real gold, and all the plate-glass diamond), +and set in the centre of it a loud-voiced, argumentative, very +shrewd creation that he called God. One sentence at this point +caught my delighted ear. It was apropos of some question of the +Judgment, and ran:--"No! I tell you God doesn't do business that +way." + +He was giving them a deity whom they could comprehend, and a gold +and jewelled heaven in which they could take a natural interest. +He interlarded his performance with the slang of the streets, the +counter, and the exchange, and he said that religion ought to +enter into daily life. Consequently, I presume he introduced it +as daily life--his own and the life of his friends. + +Then I escaped before the blessing, desiring no benediction at +such hands. But the persons who listened seemed to enjoy +themselves, and I understood that I had met with a popular +preacher. + +Later on, when I had perused the sermons of a gentleman called +Talmage and some others, I perceived that I had been listening to +a very mild specimen. Yet that man, with his brutal gold and +silver idols, his hands-in-pocket, cigar-in-mouth, and +hat-on-the-back-of-the-head style of dealing with the sacred +vessels, would count himself, spiritually, quite competent to +send a mission to convert the Indians. + +All that Sunday I listened to people who said that the mere fact +of spiking down strips of iron to wood, and getting a steam and +iron thing to run along them was progress, that the telephone was +progress, and the net-work of wires overhead was progress. They +repeated their statements again and again. + +One of them took me to their City Hall and Board of Trade works, +and pointed it out with pride. It was very ugly, but very big, +and the streets in front of it were narrow and unclean. When I +saw the faces of the men who did business in that building, I +felt that there had been a mistake in their billeting. + +By the way, 'tis a consolation to feel that I am not writing to +an English audience. Then I should have to fall into feigned +ecstasies over the marvellous progress of Chicago since the days +of the great fire, to allude casually to the raising of the +entire city so many feet above the level of the lake which it +faces, and generally to grovel before the golden calf. But you, +who are desperately poor, and therefore by these standards of no +ac-count, know things, will understand when I write that they +have managed to get a million of men together on flat land, and +that the bulk of these men together appear to be lower than +Mahajans and not so companionable as a Punjabi Jat after harvest. + +But I don't think it was the blind hurry of the people, their +argot, and their grand ignorance of things beyond their immediate +interests that displeased me so much as a study of the daily +papers of Chicago. + +Imprimis, there was some sort of a dispute between New York and +Chicago as to which town should give an exhibition of products to +be hereafter holden, and through the medium of their more +dignified journals the two cities were yahooing and hi-yi-ing at +each other like opposition newsboys. They called it humor, but +it sounded like something quite different. + +That was only the first trouble. The second lay in the tone of +the productions. Leading articles which include gems such as +"Back of such and such a place," or, "We noticed, Tuesday, such +an event," or, "don't" for "does not," are things to be accepted +with thankfulness. All that made me want to cry was that in +these papers were faithfully reproduced all the war-cries and +"back-talk" of the Palmer House bar, the slang of the +barber-shops, the mental elevation and integrity of the Pullman +car porter, the dignity of the dime museum, and the accuracy of +the excited fish-wife. I am sternly forbidden to believe that +the paper educates the public. Then I am compelled to believe +that the public educate the paper; yet suicides on the press are +rare. + +Just when the sense of unreality and oppression was strongest +upon me, and when I most wanted help, a man sat at my side and +began to talk what he called politics. + +I had chanced to pay about six shillings for a travelling-cap +worth eighteen-pence, and he made of the fact a text for a +sermon. He said that this was a rich country, and that the +people liked to pay two hundred per cent, on the value of a +thing. They could afford it. He said that the government imposed +a protective duty of from ten to seventy per cent on foreign-made +articles, and that the American manufacturer consequently could +sell his goods for a healthy sum. Thus an imported hat would, +with duty, cost two guineas. The American manufacturer would make +a hat for seventeen shillings, and sell it for one pound fifteen. +In these things, he said, lay the greatness of America and the +effeteness of England. Competition between factory and factory +kept the prices down to decent limits, but I was never to forget +that this people were a rich people, not like the pauper +Continentals, and that they enjoyed paying duties. + +To my weak intellect this seemed rather like juggling with +counters. Everything that I have yet purchased costs about twice +as much as it would in England, and when native made is of +inferior quality. + +Moreover, since these lines were first thought of, I have visited +a gentleman who owned a factory which used to produce things. He +owned the factory still. Not a man was in it, but he was drawing +a handsome income from a syndicate of firms for keeping it +closed, in order that it might not produce things. This man said +that if protection were abandoned, a tide of pauper labor would +flood the country, and as I looked at his factory I thought how +entirely better it was to have no labor of any kind whatever +rather than face so horrible a future. + +Meantime, do you remember that this peculiar country enjoys +paying money for value not received? I am an alien, and for the +life of me I cannot see why six shillings should be paid for +eighteen-penny caps, or eight shillings for half-crown +cigar-cases. When the country fills up to a decently populated +level a few million people who are not aliens will be smitten +with the same sort of blindness. + +But my friend's assertion somehow thoroughly suited the grotesque +ferocity of Chicago. + +See now and judge! In the village of Isser Jang, on the road to +Montgomery, there be four Changar women who winnow corn--some +seventy bushels a year. Beyond their hut lives Purun Dass, the +money-lender, who on good security lends as much as five thousand +rupees in a year. Jowala Singh, the smith, mends the village +plows--some thirty, broken at the share, in three hundred and +sixty-five days; and Hukm Chund, who is letter-writer and head of +the little club under the travellers' tree, generally keeps the +village posted in such gossip as the barber and the mid-wife have +not yet made public property. + +Chicago husks and winnows her wheat by the million bushels, a +hundred banks lend hundreds of millions of dollars in the year, +and scores of factories turn out plow-gear and machinery by +steam. Scores of daily papers do work which Hukm Chund and the +barber and the midwife perform, with due regard for public +opinion, in the village of Isser Jang. So far as manufactories +go, the difference between Chicago on the lake, and Isser Jang on +the Montgomery road, is one of degree only, and not of kind. As +far as the understanding of the uses of life goes, Isser Jang, +for all its seasonal cholers, has the advantage over Chicago. + +Jowala Singh knows and takes care to avoid the three or four +ghoul-haunted fields on the outskirts of the village; but he is +not urged by millions of devils to run about all day in the sun +and swear that his plowshares are the best in the Punjab; nor +does Purun Dass fly forth in an ekka more than once or twice a +year, and he knows, on a pinch, how to use the railway and the +telegraph as well as any son of Israel in Chicago. But this is +absurd. + +The East is not the West, and these men must continue to deal +with the machinery of life, and to call it progress. Their very +preachers dare not rebuke them. They gloss over the hunting for +money and the thrice-sharpened bitterness of Adam's curse, by +saying that such things dower a man with a larger range of +thoughts and higher aspirations. They do not say, "Free +yourselves from your own slavery," but rather, "If you can +possibly manage it, do not set quite so much store on the things +of this world." + +And they do not know what the things of this world are! + +I went off to see cattle killed, by way of clearing my head, +which, as you will perceive, was getting muddled. They say every +Englishman goes to the Chicago stock-yards. You shall find them +about six miles from the city; and once having seen them, you +will never forget the sight. + +As far as the eye can reach stretches a town-ship of cattle-pens, +cunningly divided into blocks, so that the animals of any pen can +be speedily driven out close to an inclined timber path which +leads to an elevated covered way straddling high above the pens. +These viaducts are two-storied. On the upper story tramp the +doomed cattle, stolidly for the most part. On the lower, with a +scuffling of sharp hoofs and multitudinous yells, run the pigs, +the same end being appointed for each. Thus you will see the +gangs of cattle waiting their turn--as they wait sometimes for +days; and they need not be distressed by the sight of their +fellows running about in the fear of death. All they know is that +a man on horseback causes their next-door neighbors to move by +means of a whip. Certain bars and fences are unshipped, and +behold! that crowd have gone up the mouth of a sloping tunnel and +return no more. + +It is different with the pigs. They shriek back the news of the +exodus to their friends, and a hundred pens skirl responsive. + +It was to the pigs I first addressed myself. Selecting a viaduct +which was full of them, as I could hear, though I could not see, +I marked a sombre building whereto it ran, and went there, not +unalarmed by stray cattle who had managed to escape from their +proper quarters. A pleasant smell of brine warned me of what was +coming. I entered the factory and found it full of pork in +barrels, and on another story more pork un-barrelled, and in a +huge room the halves of swine, for whose behoof great lumps of +ice were being pitched in at the window. That room was the +mortuary chamber where the pigs lay for a little while in state +ere they began their progress through such passages as kings may +sometimes travel. + +Turning a corner, and not noting an overhead arrangement of +greased rail, wheel, and pulley, I ran into the arms of four +eviscerated carcasses, all pure white and of a human aspect, +pushed by a man clad in vehement red. When I leaped aside, the +floor was slippery under me. Also there was a flavor of +farm-yard in my nostrils and the shouting of a multitude in my +ears. But there was no joy in that shouting. Twelve men stood +in two lines six a side. Between them and overhead ran the +railway of death that had nearly shunted me through the window. +Each man carried a knife, the sleeves of his shirt were cut off +at the elbows, and from bosom to heel he was blood-red. + +Beyond this perspective was a column of steam, and beyond that +was where I worked my awe-struck way, unwilling to touch beam or +wall. The atmosphere was stifling as a night in the rains by +reason of the steam and the crowd. I climbed to the beginning of +things and, perched upon a narrow beam, overlooked very nearly +all the pigs ever bred in Wisconsin. They had just been shot out +of the mouth of the viaduct and huddled together in a large pen. +Thence they were flicked persuasively, a few at a time, into a +smaller chamber, and there a man fixed tackle on their hinder +legs, so that they rose in the air, suspended from the railway of +death. + +Oh! it was then they shrieked and called on their mothers, and +made promises of amendment, till the tackle-man punted them in +their backs and they slid head down into a brick-floored passage, +very like a big kitchen sink, that was blood-red. There awaited +them a red man with a knife, which he passed jauntily through +their throats, and the full-voiced shriek became a splutter, and +then a fall as of heavy tropical rain, and the red man, who was +backed against the passage-wall, you will understand, stood clear +of the wildly kicking hoofs and passed his hand over his eyes, +not from any feeling of compassion, but because the spurted blood +was in his eyes, and he had barely time to stick the next +arrival. Then that first stuck swine dropped, still kicking, +into a great vat of boiling water, and spoke no more words, but +wallowed in obedience to some unseen machinery, and presently +came forth at the lower end of the vat, and was heaved on the +blades of a blunt paddle-wheel, things which said "Hough, hough, +hough!" and skelped all the hair off him, except what little a +couple of men with knives could remove. + +Then he was again hitched by the heels to that said railway, and +passed down the line of the twelve men, each man with a +knife--losing with each man a certain amount of his +individuality, which was taken away in a wheel-barrow, and when +he reached the last man he was very beautiful to behold, but +excessively unstuffed and limp. Preponderance of individuality +was ever a bar to foreign travel. That pig could have been in +case to visit you in India had he not parted with some of his +most cherished notions. + +The dissecting part impressed me not so much as the slaying. +They were so excessively alive, these pigs. And then, they were +so excessively dead, and the man in the dripping, clammy, not +passage did not seem to care, and ere the blood of such a one had +ceased to foam on the floor, such another and four friends with +him had shrieked and died. But a pig is only the unclean +animal--the forbidden of the prophet. + + + +VI + +The American Army + +I SHOULD very much like to deliver a dissertation on the American +army and the possibilities of its extension. You see, it is such +a beautiful little army, and the dear people don't quite +understand what to do with it. The theory is that it is an +instructional nucleus round which the militia of the country will +rally, and from which they will get a stiffening in time of +danger. Yet other people consider that the army should be built, +like a pair of lazy tongs--on the principle of elasticity and +extension--so that in time of need it may fill up its skeleton +battalions and empty saddle troops. This is real wisdom, +be-cause the American army, as at present constituted, is made up +of:--Twenty-five regiments infantry, ten companies each. + +Ten regiments cavalry, twelve companies each. + +Five regiments artillery, twelve companies each. + +Now there is a notion in the air to reorganize the service on +these lines:--Eighteen regiments infantry at four battalions, +four companies each; third battalion, skeleton; fourth on paper. + +Eight regiments cavalry at four battalions, four troops each; +third battalion, skeleton; fourth on paper. + +Five regiments artillery at four battalions, four companies each; +third battalion, skeleton; fourth on paper. + +Observe the beauty of this business. The third battalion will +have its officers, but no men; the fourth will probably have a +rendezvous and some equipment. + +It is not contemplated to give it anything more definite at +present. Assuming the regiments to be made up to full +complement, we get an army of fifty thousand men, which after the +need passes away must be cut down fifty per cent, to the huge +delight of the officers. + +The military needs of the States be three: (a) Frontier warfare, +an employment well within the grip of the present army of +twenty-five thousand, and in the nature of things growing less +arduous year by year; (b) internal riots and commotions which +rise up like a dust devil, whirl furiously, and die out long +before the authorities at Washington could begin to fill up even +the third skeleton battalions, much less hunt about for material +for the fourth; (c) civil war, in which, as the case in the +affair of the North and South, the regular army would be swamped +in the mass of militia and armed volunteers would turn the land +into a hell. + +Yet the authorities persist in regarding an external war as a +thing to be seriously considered. + +The Power that would disembark troops on American soil would be +capable of heaving a shovelful of mud into the Atlantic in the +hope of filling it up. Consequently, the authorities are +fascinated with the idea of the sliding scale or concertina army. +This is an hereditary instinct, for you know that when we English +have got together two companies, one machine gun, a sick bullock, +forty generals, and a mass of W. O. forms, we say we possess "an +army corps capable of indefinite extension." + +The American army is a beautiful little army. Some day, when all +the Indians are happily dead or drunk, it ought to make the +finest scientific and survey corps that the world has ever seen; +it does excellent work now, but there is this defect in its +nature: It is officered, as you know, from West Point. + +The mischief of it is that West Point seems to be created for the +purpose of spreading a general knowledge of military matters +among the people. A boy goes up to that institution, gets his +pass, and returns to civil life, so they tell me, with a +dangerous knowledge that he is a suckling Von Moltke, and may +apply his learning when occasion offers. Given trouble, that man +will be a nuisance, because he is a hideously versatile American, +to begin with, as cock-sure of himself as a man can be, and with +all the racial disregard for human life to back him, through any +demi-semi-professional generalship. + +In a country where, as the records of the daily papers show, men +engaged in a conflict with police or jails are all too ready to +adopt a military formation and get heavily shot in a sort of +cheap, half-constructed warfare, instead of being decently scared +by the appearance of the military, this sort of arrangement does +not seem wise. + +The bond between the States is of an amazing tenuity. So long as +they do not absolutely march into the District of Columbia, sit +on the Washington statues, and invent a flag of their own, they +can legislate, lynch, hunt negroes through swamps, divorce, +railroad, and rampage as much as ever they choose. They do not +need knowledge of their own military strength to back their +genial lawlessness. + +That regular army, which is a dear little army, should be kept to +itself, blooded on detachment duty, turned into the paths of +science, and now and again assembled at feasts of Free Masons, +and so forth. + +It is too tiny to be a political power. The immortal wreck of +the Grand Army of the Republic is a political power of the +largest and most unblushing description. It ought not to help to +lay the foundations of an amateur military power that is blind +and irresponsible. + +By great good luck the evil-minded train, already delayed twelve +hours by a burned bridge, brought me to the city on a Saturday by +way of that valley which the Mormons, over their efforts, had +caused to blossom like the rose. Twelve hours previously I had +entered into a new world where, in conversation, every one was +either a Mormon or a Gentile. It is not seemly for a free and +independent citizen to dub himself a Gentile, but the Mayor of +Ogden--which is the Gentile city of the valley--told me that +there must be some distinction between the two flocks. + +Long before the fruit orchards of Logan or the shining levels of +the Salt Lake had been reached, that mayor--himself a Gentile, +and one renowned for his dealings with the Mormons--told me that +the great question of the existence of the power within the power +was being gradually solved by the ballot and by education. + +All the beauty of the valley could not make me forget it. And +the valley is very fair. Bench after bench of land, flat as a +table against the flanks of the ringing hills, marks where the +Salt Lake rested for awhile in its collapse from an inland sea to +a lake fifty miles long and thirty broad. + +There are the makings of a very fine creed about Mormonism. To +begin with, the Church is rather more absolute than that of Rome. +Drop the polygamy plank in the platform, but on the other hand +deal lightly with certain forms of excess; keep the quality of +the recruit down to the low mental level, and see that the best +of all the agricultural science available is in the hands of the +elders, and there you have a first-class engine for pioneer work. +The tawdry mysticism and the borrowing from Freemasonry serve the +low caste Swede and Dane, the Welshman and the Cornish cotter, +just as well as a highly organized heaven. + +Then I went about the streets and peeped into people's front +windows, and the decorations upon the tables were after the +manner of the year 1850. Main Street was full of country folk +from the desert, come in to trade with the Zion Mercantile +Co-operative Institute. The Church, I fancy, looks after the +finances of this thing, and it consequently pays good dividends. + +The faces of the women were not lovely. In-deed, but for the +certainty that ugly persons are just as irrational in the matter +of undivided love as the beautiful, it seems that polygamy was a +blessed institution for the women, and that only the dread +threats of the spiritual power could drive the hulking, +board-faced men into it. The women wore hideous garments, and +the men appeared to be tied up with strings. + +They would market all that afternoon, and on Sunday go to the +praying-place. I tried to talk to a few of them, but they spoke +strange tongues, and stared and behaved like cows. Yet one +woman, and not an altogether ugly one, confided to me that she +hated the idea of Salt Lake City being turned into a show-place +for the amusement of the Gentiles. + +"If we 'have our own institutions, that ain't no reason why +people should come 'ere and stare at us, his it?" + +The dropped "h" betrayed her. + +"And when did you leave England?" I said. + +"Summer of '84. I am Dorset," she said. "The Mormon agent was +very good to us, and we was very poor. Now we're better off--my +father, an' mother, an' me." + +"Then you like the State?" + +She misunderstood at first. + +"Oh, I ain't livin' in the state of polygamy. Not me, yet. I +ain't married. I like where I am. I've got things o' my +own--and some land." + +"But I suppose you will--" + +"Not me. I ain't like them Swedes an' Danes. I ain't got +nothin' to say for or against polygamy. It's the elders' +business, an' between you an' me, I don't think it's going on +much longer. You'll 'ear them in the 'ouse to-morrer talkin' as +if it was spreadin' all over America. The Swedes, they think it +his. I know it hisn't." + +"But you've got your land all right?" + +"Oh, yes; we've got our land, an' we never say aught against +polygamy, o' course--father, an' mother, an' me." + +On a table-land overlooking all the city stands the United States +garrison of infantry and artillery. The State of Utah can do +nearly anything it pleases until that much-to-be-desired hour +when the Gentile vote shall quietly swamp out Mormonism; but the +garrison is kept there in case of accidents. The big, +shark-mouthed, pig-eared, heavy-boned farmers sometimes take to +their creed with wildest fanaticism, and in past years have made +life excessively unpleasant for the Gentile when he was few in +the land. But to-day, so far from killing openly or secretly, or +burning Gentile farms, it is all the Mormon dare do to feebly try +to boycott the interloper. His journals preach defiance to the +United States Government, and in the Tabernacle on a Sunday the +preachers follow suit. + +When I went there, the place was full of people who would have +been much better for a washing. + +A man rose up and told them that they were the chosen of God, the +elect of Israel; that they were to obey their priests, and that +there was a good time coming. I fancy that they had heard all +this before so many times it produced no impression whatever, +even as the sublimest mysteries of another faith lose salt +through constant iteration. They breathed heavily through their +noses, and stared straight in front of them--impassive as flat +fish. + + + +VII + +America's Defenceless Coasts + +JUST suppose that America were twenty days distant from England. +Then a man could study its customs with undivided soul; but being +so very near next door, he goes about the land with one eye on +the smoke of the flesh-pots of the old country across the seas, +while with the other he squints biliously and prejudicially at +the alien. + +I can lay my hand upon my sacred heart and affirm that up to +to-day I have never taken three consecutive trips by rail without +being delayed by an accident. That it was an accident to another +train makes no difference. My own turn may come next. + +A few miles from peaceful, pleasure-loving Lakewood they had +managed to upset an express goods train to the detriment of the +flimsy permanent way; and thus the train which should have left +at three departed at seven in the evening. I was not angry. I +was scarcely even interested. When an American train starts on +time I begin to anticipate disaster--a visitation for such good +luck, you understand. + +Buffalo is a large village of a quarter of a million inhabitants, +situated on the seashore, which is falsely called Lake Erie. It +is a peaceful place, and more like an English county town than +most of its friends. + +Once clear of the main business streets, you launch upon miles +and miles of asphalted roads running between cottages and +cut-stone residences of those who have money and peace. All the +Eastern cities own this fringe of elegance, but except in Chicago +nowhere is the fringe deeper or more heavily widened than in +Buffalo. + +The American will go to a bad place because he cannot speak +English, and is proud of it; but he knows how to make a home for +himself and his mate, knows how to keep the grass green in front +of his veranda, and how to fullest use the mechanism of life--hot +water, gas, good bell-ropes, telephones, etc. His shops sell him +delightful household fitments at very moderate rates, and he is +encompassed with all manner of labor-saving appliances. This +does not prevent his wife and his daughter working themselves to +death over household drudgery; but the intention is good. + +When you have seen the outside of a few hundred thousand of these +homes and the insides of a few score, you begin to understand why +the American (the respectable one) does not take a deep interest +in what they call "politics," and why he is so vaguely and +generally proud of the country that enables him to be so +comfortable. How can the owner of a dainty chalet, with +smoked-oak furniture, imitation Venetian tapestry curtains, hot +and cold water laid on, a bed of geraniums and hollyhocks, a baby +crawling down the veranda, and a self-acting twirly-whirly hose +gently hissing over the grass in the balmy dusk of an August +evening--how can such a man despair of the Republic, or descend +into the streets on voting days and mix cheerfully with "the +boys"? + +No, it is the stranger--the homeless jackal of a stranger--whose +interest in the country is limited to his hotel-bill and a +railway-ticket, that can run from Dan to Beersheba, crying:--"All +is barren!" + +Every good American wants a home--a pretty house and a little +piece of land of his very own; and every other good American +seems to get it. + +It was when my gigantic intellect was grappling with this +question that I confirmed a discovery half made in the West. The +natives of most classes marry young--absurdly young. One of my +informants--not the twenty-two-year-old husband I met on Lake +Chautauqua--said that from twenty to twenty-four was about the +usual time for this folly. And when I asked whether the practice +was confined to the constitutionally improvident classes, he said +"No" very quickly. He said it was a general custom, and nobody +saw anything wrong with it. + +"I guess, perhaps, very early marriage may account for a good +deal of the divorce," said he, reflectively. + +Whereat I was silent. Their marriages and their divorces only +concern these people; and neither I travelling, nor you, who may +come after, have any right to make rude remarks about them. +Only--only coming from a land where a man begins to lightly turn +to thoughts of love not before he is thirty, I own that playing +at house-keeping before that age rather surprised me. Out in the +West, though, they marry, boys and girls, from sixteen upward, +and I have met more than one bride of fifteen--husband aged +twenty. + +"When man and woman are agreed, what can the Kazi do?" + +From those peaceful homes, and the envy they inspire (two trunks +and a walking-stick and a bit of pine forest in British Columbia +are not satisfactory, any way you look at them), I turned me to +the lake front of Buffalo, where the steamers bellow to the grain +elevators, and the locomotives yell to the coal-shutes, and the +canal barges jostle the lumber-raft half a mile long as it snakes +across the water in tow of a launch, and earth, and sky, and sea +alike are thick with smoke. + +In the old days, before the railway ran into the city, all the +business quarters fringed the lake-shore where the traffic was +largest. To-day the business quarters have gone up-town to meet +the railroad; the lake traffic still exists, but you shall find a +narrow belt of red-brick desolation, broken windows, gap-toothed +doors, and streets where the grass grows between the crowded +wharves and the bustling city. To the lake front comes wheat +from Chicago, lumber, coal, and ore, and a large trade in cheap +excursionists. + +It was my felicity to catch a grain steamer and an elevator +emptying that same steamer. The steamer might have been two +thousand tons burden. She was laden with wheat in bulk; from +stem to stern, thirteen feet deep, lay the clean, red wheat. +There was no twenty-five per cent dirt admixture about it at all. +It was wheat, fit for the grindstones as it lay. They manoeuvred +the fore-hatch of that steamer directly under an elevator--a +house of red tin a hundred and fifty feet high. Then they let +down into that fore-hatch a trunk as if it had been the trunk of +an elephant, but stiff, because it was a pipe of iron-champed +wood. And the trunk had a steel-shod nose to it, and contained +an endless chain of steel buckets. + +Then the captain swore, raising his eyes to heaven, and a gruff +voice answered him from the place he swore at, and certain +machinery, also in the firmament, began to clack, and the +glittering, steel-shod nose of that trunk burrowed into the +wheat, and the wheat quivered and sunk upon the instant as water +sinks when the siphon sucks, because the steel buckets within the +trunk were flying upon their endless round, carrying away each +its appointed morsel of wheat. + +The elevator was a Persian well wheel--a wheel squashed out thin +and cased in a pipe, a wheel driven not by bullocks, but by much +horse-power, licking up the grain at the rate of thou-sands of +bushels the hour. And the wheat sunk into the fore-hatch while a +man looked--sunk till the brown timbers of the bulkheads showed +bare, and men leaped down through clouds of golden dust and +shovelled the wheat furiously round the nose of the trunk, and +got a steam-shovel of glittering steel and made that shovel also, +till there remained of the grain not more than a horse leaves in +the fold of his nose-bag. + +In this manner do they handle wheat at Buffalo. On one side of +the elevator is the steamer, on the other the railway track; and +the wheat is loaded into the cars in bulk. Wah! wah! God is +great, and I do not think He ever intended Gar Sahai or Luckman +Narain to supply England with her wheat. India can cut in not +without profit to herself when her harvest is good and the +Ameri-can yield poor; but this very big country can, upon the +average, supply the earth with all the beef and bread that is +required. + +A man in the train said to me:--"We kin feed all the earth, jest +as easily as we kin whip all the earth." + +Now the second statement is as false as the first is true. One +of these days the respectable Republic will find this out. + +Unfortunately we, the English, will never be the people to teach +her; because she is a chartered libertine allowed to say and do +anything she likes, from demanding the head of the empress in an +editorial waste-basket, to chevying Canadian schooners up and +down the Alaska Seas. It is perfectly impossible to go to war +with these people, whatever they may do. + +They are much too nice, in the first place, and in the second, it +would throw out all the passenger traffic of the Atlantic, and +upset the financial arrangements of the English syndicates who +have invested their money in breweries, railways, and the like, +and in the third, it's not to be done. Everybody knows that, and +no one better than the American. + +Yet there are other powers who are not "ohai band" (of the +brotherhood)--China, for instance. Try to believe an +irresponsible writer when he assures you that China's fleet +to-day, if properly manned, could waft the entire American navy +out of the water and into the blue. The big, fat Republic that +is afraid of nothing, because nothing up to the present date has +happened to make her afraid, is as unprotected as a jelly-fish. +Not internally, of course--it would be madness for any Power to +throw men into America; they would die--but as far as regards +coast defence. + +From five miles out at sea (I have seen a test of her "fortified" +ports) a ship of the power of H. M. S. "Collingwood" (they +haven't run her on a rock yet) would wipe out any or every town +from San Francisco to Long Branch; and three first-class +ironclads would account for New York, Bartholdi's Statue and all. + +Reflect on this. 'Twould be "Pay up or go up" round the entire +coast of the United States. To this furiously answers the +patriotic American:--"We should not pay. We should invent a +Columbiad in Pittsburg or--or anywhere else, and blow any +outsider into h--l." + +They might invent. They might lay waste their cities and retire +inland, for they can subsist entirely on their own produce. +Meantime, in a war waged the only way it could be waged by an +unscrupulous Power, their coast cities and their dock-yards would +be ashes. They could construct their navy inland if they liked, +but you could never bring a ship down to the water-ways, as they +stand now. + +They could not, with an ordinary water patrol, despatch one +regiment of men six miles across the seas. There would be about +five million excessively angry, armed men pent up within American +limits. These men would require ships to get themselves afloat. +The country has no such ships, and until the ships were built New +York need not be allowed a single-wheeled carriage within her +limits. + +Behold now the glorious condition of this Republic which has no +fear. There is ransom and loot past the counting of man on her +seaboard alone--plunder that would enrich a nation--and she has +neither a navy nor half a dozen first-class ports to guard the +whole. No man catches a snake by the tail, because the creature +will sting; but you can build a fire around a snake that will +make it squirm. + +The country is supposed to be building a navy now. When the +ships are completed her alliance will be worth having--if the +alliance of any republic can be relied upon. For the next three +years she can be hurt, and badly hurt. Pity it is that she is of +our own blood, looking at the matter from a Pindarris point of +view. Dog cannot eat dog. + +These sinful reflections were prompted by the sight of the +beautifully unprotected condition of Buffalo--a city that could +be made to pay up five million dollars without feeling it. There +are her companies of infantry in a sort of port there. A gun-boat +brought over in pieces from Niagara could get the money and get +away before she could be caught, while an unarmored gun-boat +guarding Toronto could ravage the towns on the lakes. When one +hears so much of the nation that can whip the earth, it is, to +say the least of it, surprising to find her so temptingly +spankable. + +The average American citizen seems to have a notion that any +Power engaged in strife with the Star Spangled Banner will +disembark men from flat-bottomed boats on a convenient beach for +the purpose of being shot down by local militia. In his own +simple phraseology:--"Not by a darned sight. No, sir." + +Ransom at long range will be about the size of it--cash or crash. + +Let us revisit calmer scenes. + +In the heart of Buffalo there stands a magnificent building which +the population do innocently style a music-hall. Everybody comes +here of evenings to sit around little tables and listen to a +first-class orchestra. The place is something like the Gaiety +Theatre at Simla, enlarged twenty times. The "Light Brigade" of +Buffalo occupy the boxes and the stage, "as it was at Simla in +the days of old," and the others sit in the parquet. Here I went +with a friend--poor or boor is the man who cannot pick up a +friend for a season in America--and here was shown the really +smart folk of the city. I grieve to say I laughed, because when +an American wishes to be correct he sets himself to imitate the +Englishman. This he does vilely, and earns not only the contempt +of his brethren, but the amused scorn of the Briton. + +I saw one man who was pointed out to me as being the glass of +fashion hereabouts. He was aggressively English in his get-up. +From eye-glass to trouser-hem the illusion was perfect, but--he +wore with evening-dress buttoned boots with brown cloth tops! +Not till I wandered about this land did I understand why the +comic papers belabor the Anglomaniac. + +Certain young men of the more idiotic sort launch into dog-carts +and raiment of English cut, and here in Buffalo they play polo at +four in the afternoon. I saw three youths come down to the +polo-ground faultlessly attired for the game and mounted on their +best ponies. Expecting a game, I lingered; but I was mistaken. +These three shining ones with the very new yellow hide boots and +the red silk sashes had assembled themselves for the purpose of +knocking the ball about. They smote with great solemnity up and +down the grounds, while the little boys looked on. When they +trotted, which was not seldom, they rose and sunk in their +stirrups with a conscientiousness that cried out "Riding-school!" +from afar. + +Other young men in the park were riding after the English manner, +in neatly cut riding-trousers and light saddles. Fate in +derision had made each youth bedizen his animal with a checkered +enamelled leather brow-band visible half a mile away--a +black-and-white checkered brow-band! They can't do it, any more +than an Englishman, by taking cold, can add that indescribable +nasal twang to his orchestra. + +The other sight of the evening was a horror. The little tragedy +played itself out at a neighboring table where two very young men +and two very young women were sitting. It did not strike me till +far into the evening that the pimply young reprobates were making +the girls drunk. They gave them red wine and then white, and the +voices rose slightly with the maidens' cheek flushes. I watched, +wishing to stay, and the youths drank till their speech thickened +and their eye-balls grew watery. It was sickening to see, +because I knew what was going to happen. My friend eyed the +group, and said:--"Maybe they're children of respectable people. +I hardly think, though, they'd be allowed out without any better +escort than these boys. And yet the place is a place where every +one comes, as you see. They may be Little Immoralities--in which +case they wouldn't be so hopelessly overcome with two glasses of +wine. They may be--" + +Whatever they were they got indubitably drunk--there in that +lovely hall, surrounded by the best of Buffalo society. One +could do nothing except invoke the judgment of Heaven on the two +boys, themselves half sick with liquor. At the close of the +performance the quieter maiden laughed vacantly and protested she +couldn't keep her feet. The four linked arms, and staggering, +flickered out into the street--drunk, gentlemen and ladies, as +Davy's swine, drunk as lords! They disappeared down a side +avenue, but I could hear their laughter long after they were out +of sight. + +And they were all four children of sixteen and seventeen. Then, +recanting previous opinions, I became a prohibitionist. Better +it is that a man should go without his beer in public places, and +content himself with swearing at the narrow-mindedness of the +majority; better it is to poison the inside with very vile +temperance drinks, and to buy lager furtively at back-doors, than +to bring temptation to the lips of young fools such as the four I +had seen. I understand now why the preachers rage against drink. +I have said: "There is no harm in it, taken moderately;" and yet +my own demand for beer helped directly to send those two girls +reeling down the dark street to--God alone knows what end. + +If liquor is worth drinking, it is worth taking a little trouble +to come at--such trouble as a man will undergo to compass his own +desires. It is not good that we should let it lie before the +eyes of children, and I have been a fool in writing to the +contrary. Very sorry for myself, I sought a hotel, and found in +the hall a reporter who wished to know what I thought of the +country. Him I lured into conversation about his own profession, +and from him gained much that confirmed me in my views of the +grinding tyranny of that thing which they call the Press here. +Thus:--I--But you talk about interviewing people whether they +like it or not. Have you no bounds beyond which even your +indecent curiosity must not go? + +HE--I haven't struck 'em yet. What do you think of interviewing +a widow two hours after her husband's death, to get her version +of his life? + +I--I think that is the work of a ghoul. Must the people have no +privacy? + +HE--There is no domestic privacy in America. If there was, what +the deuce would the papers do? See here. Some time ago I had an +assignment to write up the floral tributes when a prominent +citizen had died. + +I--Translate, please; I do not understand your pagan rites and +ceremonies. + +HE--I was ordered by the office to describe the flowers, and +wreaths, and so on, that had been sent to a dead man's funeral. +Well, I went to the house. There was no one there to stop me, so +I yanked the tinkler--pulled the bell--and drifted into the room +where the corpse lay all among the roses and smilax. I whipped +out my note-book and pawed around among the floral tributes, +turn-ing up the tickets on the wreaths and seeing who had sent +them. In the middle of this I heard some one saying: "Please, +oh, please!" behind me, and there stood the daughter of the +house, just bathed in tears--I--You unmitigated brute! + +HE--Pretty much what I felt myself. "I'm very sorry, miss," I +said, "to intrude on the privacy of your grief. Trust me, I +shall make it as little painful as possible." + +I--But by what conceivable right did you outrage--HE--Hold your +horses. I'm telling you. Well, she didn't want me in the house +at all, and between her sobs fairly waved me away. I had half +the tributes described, though, and the balance I did partly on +the steps when the stiff 'un came out, and partly in the church. +The preacher gave the sermon. That wasn't my assignment. I +skipped about among the floral tributes while he was talking. I +could have made no excuse if I had gone back to the office and +said that a pretty girl's sobs had stopped me obeying orders. I +had to do it. What do you think of it all? + +I (slowly)--Do you want to know? + +HE (with his note-book ready)--Of course. How do you regard it? + +I--It makes me regard your interesting nation with the same +shuddering curiosity that I should bestow on a Pappan cannibal +chewing the scalp off his mother's skull. Does that convey any +idea to your mind? It makes me regard the whole pack of you as +heathens--real heathens--not the sort you send missions +to--creatures of another flesh and blood. You ought to have been +shot, not dead, but through the stomach, for your share in the +scandalous business, and the thing you call your newspaper ought +to have been sacked by the mob, and the managing proprietor +hanged. + +HE--From which, I suppose you have nothing of that kind in your +country? + +Oh! "Pioneer," venerable "Pioneer," and you not less honest +press of India, who are occasionally dull but never blackguardly, +what could I say? A mere "No," shouted never so loudly, +would not have met the needs of the case. I said no word. + +The reporter went away, and I took a train for Niagara Falls, +which are twenty-two miles distant from this bad town, where +girls get drunk of nights and reporters trample on corpses in the +drawing-rooms of the brave and the free! + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of American Notes by Rudyard Kipling + diff --git a/old/amrnt10.zip b/old/amrnt10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8f8a828 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/amrnt10.zip |