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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/9797-8.txt b/9797-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e6b5f01 --- /dev/null +++ b/9797-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2784 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 15, July 9, 1870, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 15, July 9, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Posting Date: October 29, 2011 [EBook #9797] +Release Date: January, 2006 +First Posted: October 18, 2003 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, JULY 9, 1870 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra +Brown and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + + + + + + + + + +[Illustration: Vol. I. No. 15.] + + +Punchinello + + +SATURDAY, JULY 9, 1870. + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY. + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, + +By ORPHEUS C. KERR, + +Continued in this Number. + + +[Sidenote: See 15th Page for Extra Premiums.] + + * * * * * + +NOW READY. + +The July Number of + +LIPPINCOTT'S MAGAZINE. + +An Illustrated Monthly of + +Literature, Science, and Education. + +Containing Seventeen Valuable and Entertaining Articles. + +NOTICE + +The July number of Lippincott's Magazine commences a New Volume (VI.) +The Publishers will send gratis the May and June Numbers, containing the +first Parts of Anthony Trollope's New Story, "Sir Harry Hotspur." to +parties subscribing before July 1st. $4.00 per annum. 35 cts per number. + +_For Sale at all the Book and News Stores._ + +J. B. LIPPINCOTT & Co., Publishers, + +715 & 717 Market St., Philadelphia. + + * * * * * + +CONANT'S + +PATENT BINDERS + +FOR + +"PUNCHINELLO," + +to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent postpaid on +receipt of One Dollar, by + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +83 Nassau Street, New York City. + + * * * * * + +HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S + +STEEL PENS. + +These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper than any +other Pen in the market. Special attention is called to the following +grades, as being better suited for business purposes than any Pen +manufactured. The + +"505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," + +we recommend for Bank and Office use. + +D. APPLETON & CO., + +Sole Agents for United States. + + * * * * * + +ERIE RAILWAY. + +TRAINS LEAVE DEPOTS + +Foot of Chambers Street + +and + +Foot of Twenty-Third Street, + +AS FOLLOWS: + +Through Express Trains leave Chambers Street at 8 A.M., 10 A.M., 5:30 P.M., +and 7:00 P.M., (daily); leave 23d Street at 7:45 A.M., 9:45 A.M., and 5:15 +and 6:45 P.M. (daily.) New and improved Drawing-Room Coaches will accompany +the 10:00 A.M. train through to Buffalo, connecting at Hornellsville with +magnificent Sleeping Coaches running through to Cleveland and Galion. +Sleeping Coaches will accompany the 8:00 A.M. train from Susquehanna to +Buffalo, the 5:30 P.M. train from New York to Buffalo, and the 7:00 P.M. +train from New York to Rochester, Buffalo and Cincinnati. An Emigrant train +leaves daily at 7:30 P.M. + +FOR PORT JERVIS AND WAY, *11:30 A.M., and 4:30 P.M., (Twenty-third Street, +*11:15 A.M. and 4:15 P.M.) + +FOR MIDDLETOWN AND WAY, at 3:30 P.M.,(Twenty-third Street, 3:15 P.M.); and, +Sundays only, 8:30 A.M. (Twenty-third Street, 8:15 P.M.) + +FOR GREYCOURT AND WAY, at *8:30 A.M., (Twenty-third Street, 8:15 A.M.) + +FOR NEWBURGH AND WAY, at 8:00 A.M., 3:30 and 4:30 P.M. (Twenty-third Street +7:45 A.M., 3:15 and 4:15 P.M.) + +FOR SUFFERN AND WAY, 5:00 P.M. and 6:00 P.M. (Twenty-third Street, 4:45 and +5:45 P.M.) Theatre Train, *11:30 P.M. (Twenty-third Street, *11 P.M.) + +FOR PATERSON AND WAY, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at 6:45, 10:15 and +11:45 A.M.; *1:45 3:45, 5:15 and 6:45 P.M. From Chambers Street Depot at +6:45, 10:15 A.M.; 12 M.; *1:45, 4:00, 5:15 and 6:45 P.M. + +FOR HACKENSACK AND HILLSDALE, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at 8:45 and +11:45 A.M.; $7:15 3:45, $5:15, 5:45, and $6:45 P.M. From Chambers Street +Depot, at 9:00 A.M.; 12:00 M.; $2:15, 4:00 $5:15, 6:00, and $6:45 P.M. + +FOR PIERMONT, MONSEY AND WAY, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at +8:45 A.M.; 12:45, {3:15 4:15, 4:46 and {6:15 P.M., and, Saturdays only, +{12 midnight. From Chambers Street Depot, at 9:00 A.M.; 1:00, {3:30, +4:15, 5:00 and {6:30 P.M. Saturdays, only, {12:00 midnight. + +Tickets for passage and for apartments in Drawing-Room and Sleeping +Coaches can be obtained, and orders for the Checking and Transfer of +Baggage may be left at the + +COMPANY'S OFFICES: + +241, 529, and 957 Broadway. +205 Chambers Street. +Cor. 125th Street & Third Ave., Harlem. +338 Fulton Street, Brooklyn. +Depots, foot of Chambers Street and foot +of Twenty-third Street, New York. +3 Exchange Place. +Long Dock Depot, Jersey City, +And of the Agents at the principal Hotels + +WM. R. BARR, +_General Passenger Agent._ + +L. D. RUCKER, +_General Superintendent._ + +* Daily. $ For Hackensack only. { For Piermont only. + +May 2D, 1870. + + * * * * * + +APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN + +"PUNCHINELLO" + +SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO + +J. NICKERSON, + +ROOM No. 4, + +No. 83 Nassau Street. + + + * * * * * + +DIBBLEEANIA, + +and + +Japonica Juice + +FOR THE HAIR. + +The most effective Soothing and Stimulating Compounds +ever offered to the public for the + +Removal of Scurf, Dandruff, &c. + +For consultation, apply at + +WILLIAM DIBBLEE'S, + +Ladies' Hair Dresser and Wig Maker. + +854 BROADWAY, N. Y. City. + + * * * * * + +WEVILL & HAMMAR, + +Wood Engravers, + +208 BROADWAY, + +NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +FORST & AVERELL + +Steam Lithograph, and Letter Press + +PRINTERS + +EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL +MANUFACTURERS. + +Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application + +23 Platt Street, and +20-22 Gold Street, +[P.O. Box 2845.] +NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +$34 Per Day. + +Agents Wanted! + +In every Town, County and State, to canvass for + +Henry Ward Beecher's Great Paper, + +With Which is GIVEN AWAY + +That superb and world-renowned work of art, "Marshall's Household +Engraving of Washington." The best paper and the grandest engraving +in America. Agents report "making $17 in half a day." "Sales easier +than books, and profits greater." Ladies or gentlemen desiring +immediate and largely remunerative employment; book canvassers, and +all soliciting agents will find more money in this than anything else. +It is something ENTIRELY NEW, being an UNPRECEDENTED COMBINATION and +very taking. Send for circular and terms to + +J. B. FORD & CO., 39 Park Row, New York. + + * * * * * + +FOLEY'S + +GOLD PENS. + +THE BEST AND CHEAPEST. + +256 BROADWAY. + + * * * * * + +Bowling Green Savings-Bank + +33 BROADWAY, +NEW YORK. + +Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M. + +_Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents to Ten Thousand +Dollars, will be received._ + +Six per Cent interest, Free of Government Tax. + +INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS +Commences on the First of every Month. + +HENRY SMITH, _President_ + +REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary._ + +WALTER ROCHE, } _Vice-Presidents._ +EDWARD HOGAN, } + + * * * * * + + +MERCANTILE LIBRARY + +Clinton Hall, Astor Place, + +NEW YORK. + +This is now the largest Circulating Library in America, the number of +volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 volumes are added each +month; and very large purchases are made of all new and popular works. + +Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each delivery. + +TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP: + +TO CLERKS, $1 INITIATION, $3 ANNUAL DUES. +TO OTHERS, $5 A YEAR. + +Subscriptions Taken for Six Months. + +BRANCH OFFICES + +at + +No. 76 Cedar St., New York, + +and at + +Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth. + + * * * * * +$2 to ALBANY and TROY. + +The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and Daniel Drew, commencing May 31, +will leave Vestry st. Pier at 8:45, and Thirty-fourth st. at 9 a.m., +landing at Yonkers, (Nyack, and Tarrytown by ferry-boat), Cozzens, West +Point, Cornwall, Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill, +Hudson, and New-Baltimore. A special train of broad-gauge cars in +connection with the day boats will leave on arrival at Albany +(commencing June 20) for Sharon Springs. Fare $4.25 from New York and +for Cherry Valley. The Steamboat Seneca will transfer passengers from +Albany to Troy. + + * * * * * + +HENRY L. STEPHENS, + +ARTIST, + +No. 160 FULTON STREET, + +NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +GEO. B. BOWLEND, + +Draughtsman & Designer + +No. 160 Fulton Street, + +Room No. 11, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +J. NICKINSON + +begs to announce to the friends of + +"PUNCHINELLO," + +residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has +made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of + +ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED, + +the same will be forwarded, postage paid. + +Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing +Houses, can have the same forwarded by inclosing two +stamps. + +OFFICE OF + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +83 Nassau Street. + +P.O. Box 2783] + + + + + + + + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + + +BALKS IN A BRUSH. + + +FLORA, having no relations in the world that she knew of, had, ever +since her seventh new bonnet, known no other home than Macassar Female +College, in the Alms-House, and regarded Miss CAROWTHERS as her +mother-in-lore. Her memory of her own mother was of a lady-like person +who had swiftly waisted away in the effort to be always taken for her +own daughter, and was, one day, brought down-stairs, by her husband, in +two pieces, from tight lacing. The sad separation (taking place just +before a party of pleasure), had driven FLORA'S father into a frenzy of +grief for his better halves; which was augmented to brain fever by Mr. +SCHENCK, who, having given a Boreal policy to deceased, felt it his duty +to talk gloomily about wives who sometimes died apart after receiving +unmerited cuts from their husbands, and to suggest a compromise of ten +per cent, upon the amount of the policy, as a much more cheerful +settlement than a coroner's inquest. FLORA'S betrothal had grown out of +the soothing of Mr. POTTS'S last year of mental disorder by Mr. DROOD, +an old partner in the grocery business, who, too, was a widower from his +wife's use of arsenic and lead for her complexion. The two bereaved +friends, after comparing tears and looking mournfully at each other's +tongues, had talked themselves to death over the fluctuations in sugar; +willing their respective children to marry in future for the sake of +keeping up the controversy. + +From the FLOWERPOT'S first arrival at the Alms-House, her new things, +engagement to be married, and stock of chocolate caramels, had won the +deepest affections of her teachers and schoolmates; and, on the morning +after the sectional dispute between EDWIN and MONTGOMERY, when one of +the young ladies had heard of it as a profound secret, no pains were +spared by the whole tender-hearted school to make her believe that +neither of the young men was entirely given up yet by the consulting +physicians. It was whispered, indeed, that a knife or two might have +passed, and two or three guns been exchanged; but she was not to be at +all worried, for persons had been known to get well with the tops of +their heads off. + +At an early hour, however, Miss PENDRAGON had paid a visit to her +brother, in Gospeler's Gulch; and, coming back with the intelligence, +that, while he had been stabbed to the heart, it was chiefly by cruel +insinuations and an umbrella, was enabled to assure Miss CAROWTHERS, in +confidence, that nothing eligible for publication in the New York Sun +had really occurred. Thus, when the legal conqueror of Breachy Mr. +BLODGETT entered that principal recitation-room of the Macassar, +formally known as the Cackleorium, she had no difficulty in explaining +away the panic. + +She said that "Unfounded Rumor, Ladies, is, we all know, a descriptive +phrase applied by the Associated Press to all important foreign news +procured a week or two in advance of its own similar European advices, +by the Press Association[A]. We perceive then, Ladies, (Miss JENKINS +will be good enough to stop scratching her nose while I am talking,) +that Unfounded Rumor sometimes means--hem!-- + + 'The Associated Press + In bitter distress.' + +In Bumsteadville, however, it has a signification more like what we +should give it in relation to a statement that Senator SUMNER had +delivered a Latin quotation without a speech selected for it. In this +sense, Ladies, (Miss PARKINSON can scarcely be aware of how much cotton +stocking can be seen when she lolls so,) the Unfounded Rumor concerning +two gentlemen of different political views in this county was not +correct. (Miss BABCOCK will learn four chapters in Chronicles by heart +to-night, for making her handkerchief into a baby,) as proper inquiries +have assured us that no more blood was shed than if the parties to the +strife had been a Canadian and a Fenian. We will, therefore, drop the +subject, and enter at once upon the flowery path of the first lesson in +algebra." + +This explanation destroyed all the interest of a majority of the young +ladies, who had anticipated a horridly delightful duel, at least; but +FLORA was slightly hysterical about it, even late in the afternoon, when +it was announced that her guardian had come to see her. + +Mr. DIBBLE, of Gowanus, had been selected for his trust on account of +his pre-eminent goodness, which, as seems to be invariably the case, was +associated with an absence of personal beauty trenching upon the +scarecrow. Possibly an excess of strong and disproportionate carving in +nose, mouth and chin, accompanied by weak eyes and unexpectedness of +forehead, may tend to make the Evil One but languid in his desire for +the capture of its human exemplar. This may help account for the +otherwise rather curious coincidence of frightful physiognomy and +preternatural goodness in this world of sinful beauties[B]. Under such a +theory, Mr. DIBBLE'S easy means of frightening the Arch-Tempter into +immediate flight, and keeping himself free from all possible incitement +to be anything but good, were a face, head and neck shaped not unlike an +old-fashioned water-pitcher, and a form suggestive of an obese lobster +balancing on an upright horse-shoe. His nose was too high up; his mouth +and chin bulged too tremendously; his neck inside a whole mainsail of +shirt-collar was too much fluted, and his eyes were as much too small +and oyster-like as his ears were too large and horny. + +Mr. DIBBLE found his ward in Miss CAROWTHER'S own private room, from +which even the government mails were generally excluded; and, after +saluting both ladies, and politely desiring the elder to remain present, +in order to be sure that his conversation was strictly moral, the +monstrous old gentleman pulled a memorandum book from his pocket and +addressed himself to FLORA. + +"I am a square man myself, dear kissling," he said, with much double +chin in his manner, "and like to do everything on the square. I am now +'interviewing' you, and shall make notes of your answers, though not +necessarily for publication. First: is your health satisfactory?" + +Miss POTTS admitted that, excepting occasional attacks of insatiable +longing for True Sympathy, chiefly produced by over-eating of pickles +and slate-pencils to avert excessive plumpness, she could generally take +pie twice without experiencing a subsequent reactionary tendency to +piety and gloomy presentiments. + +"Second: is your allowance of pin-money sufficient to keep you in cold +cream, Berlin wool, and other necessaries of life?" + +The FLOWERPOT confessed that she had now and then wished herself able to +buy a church and a velvet dressing-gown, (lined with cherry,) for a +young clergyman with the consumption and side-whiskers; but, under +common circumstances, her allowance was enough to procure all absolutely +requisite Edging without running her into debt, and still leave +sufficient to buy materials for any reasonable altar-cloth. + +"And now, my dear," said Mr. DIBBLE, evidently glad that all the more +important and serious part of the interview was over, "we come to the +subject of your marriage. Mr. EDWIN has seen you here, occasionally, I +suppose, and you may possibly like him well enough to accept him as a +husband, if not as a friend!" + +"He's such a perfectly absurd creature that I can't help liking him," +returned FLORA, gravely; "but I am not certain that my utterly +ridiculous deeper woman's love is entirely satisfied with the shape of +his nose." + +"That'll be mostly hidden by his whiskers, when they grow," observed her +guardian. + +"I hope they'll be bushy, with a frizzle at the ends and a bald place +for his chin," said the young girl, reflectively; then suddenly asked: +"If we _shouldn't_ be married, would either of us have to pay anything?" + +"I should say not," answered Mr. DIBBLE, "unless you sued him for +breach." (Here Miss CAROWTHERS was heard to murmur "BLODGETT," and +hastily took an anti-nervous pill.) "I should say that your respective +parents wished you to marry only in case you should see no other persons +whose noses you liked better. As on this coming Christmas you will be +within a few months of your marriage, I have brought your father's will +with me, with the intention of depositing it in the hands of Mr. EDWIN'S +trustee, Mr. BUMSTEAD--" + +"Oh, leave it with EDDY, if you'll please to be so ridiculously kind," +interrupted FLORA. "Mr. BUMSTEAD would certainly insist upon it that +there were _two_ wills, instead of one: and that would be so absurd." + +"Well, well," assented Mr. DIBBLE, rising to go, "I'm a perfectly square +man, even when I'm looking round, and will do as you wish. As a slight +memento of my really charming visit here, might I humbly petition yonder +lady to remit any little penalty that may happen to be in force just now +against any lovely student of the College for eating preserves in bed, +or writing notes to the Italian music teacher, who is already married, +or anything of that kind?" + +"FLORA," said Miss CAROWTHERS, graciously, "you may tell Miss BABCOCK, +that, in consequence of your guardian's request, she will be excused +from studying her Bible as a punishment." + +After due acknowledgment of this favor, the good Mr. DIBBLE made his +farewell bow, and went forth to the turnpike. Following that high road, +he presently found himself near the side-door of the Ritualistic Church +of Saint Cow's, and, while curiously watching the minor canons who were +carrying in some fireworks to be used in the next day's service, was +confronted by Mr. BUMSTEAD just coming out. + +"Let me see you home," said Mr. BUMSTEAD, hastily holding out an arm. +"I'll tell the family it's only vertigo." + +"Why, nothing is the matter with me," pleaded Mr. DIBBLE. "I've only +been having a talk with my ward." + +"I'll bet cloves for two that she didn't say she preferred me to NED," +insinuated Mr. BUMSTEAD, breathing audibly through his nose. + +"Then you'll not lose," was the answer; "for she did not tell me whom +she preferred to the one she wishes to marry. They never do; and +sometimes it is only discovered in Indiana. You and I surrender our +respective guardianships on Christmas, Mr. BUMSTEAD; until when +good-bye; and be early marriage their lot!" + +"Be early Divorce their lot!" said BUMSTEAD, thrusting his book of +organ-music so far under his coat-flap that it stuck out at the back +like a curvature of the spine. + +"I said marriage," cried Mr. DIBBLE, looking back. + +"I said Divorce," retorted Mr. BUMSTEAD, thoughtfully eating a clove, +"Don't one generally involve the other?" + + +[Footnote A: Oh, see here now, this is really too bad! The manner in +which the great American Adapter is all the time making totally +unexpected and vicious passes at the finest old cherished institutions +of the age is simply frightful. PUNCHINELLO should prevent it?--Well, +PUNCHINELLO _did_ remonstrate at an early stage of the Adaptation; and +the result was, that all the finest feelings of his nature were outraged +by an ensuing Chapter, in which was introduced a pauper burial-ground +swarming with deceased proprietors of American _Punches!_--EDS. +PUNCHINELLO.] + +[Footnote B: The whole idea is nothing less than atrocious; and, in our +judgment, the Adapter's actual purpose in putting it forth is to make +his own superlative goodness seem proved by a logical conclusion.--EDS. +PUNCHINELLO.] + + + + +CHAPTER X. + + +OILING THE WHEELS. + + +No husband who has ever properly studied his mother-in-law can fail to +be aware that woman's perception of heartless villainy and evidences of +intoxication in man is often of that curiously fine order of vision +which rather exceeds the best efforts of ordinary microscopes, and +subjects the average human mind to considerable astonishment. The +perfect ease with which she can detect murderous proclivities, Mormon +instincts, and addiction to maddening liquors, in a daughter's +husband--who, to the most searching inspection of everybody else, +appears the watery, hen-pecked, and generally intimidated young man of +his age--is one of those common illustrations of the infallible +acuteness of feminine judgment which are doing more and more, every day, +to establish the positive necessity of woman's superior insight, and +natural dispassionate fairness of mind, for the future wisest exercise +of the elective franchise and most just administration of the highest +judicial office. It may be said that the mother-in-law is the highest +development of the supernaturally perceptive and positive woman, since +she usually has superior opportunities to study man in all the stages +from marriage to madness; but with her whole sex, particularly after +certain sour turns in life, inheres an alertness of observation as to +the incredible viciousness of masculine character, which nothing less +than a bit of flattery or a happily equivocal reflection upon some rival +sister can either divert or mislead for a moment. + +"Now don't you really think, OLDY," said Gospeler SIMPSON to his mother, +as he sat watching her fabrication of an immense stocking for the poor, +"that Hopeless Inebriate and Midnight Assassin are a rather too severe +characterization of my pupil, Mr. MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON?" + +"No, I do not, OCTAVE," replied the excellent old nut-cracker of a lady, +who was making the charity stocking as nearly in the shape of a hatchet +as possible. "When a young man of rebel sentiments spends all his nights +in drinking lemon teas, and trying to spoil other young men's clothes in +throwing such teas at them, and is only to be put down by umbrellas, and +comes to his homes with cloves in his clenched fists, and has headaches +on the following days, he's on his way either to political office or the +gallows." + +"But he hasn't done so at all with s's to it," exclaimed the Reverend +OCTAVIUS, exasperated by so many plurals. "He did it but once, and then +he was strongly provoked. EDWIN mentioned the sharpness of his sister's +nose to him, and reflected casually upon the late well-known Southern +Confederacy." + +"Don't tell me!" reasoned the fine old lady, holding up the stocking by +its handle to see how much longer it must be to reach the wearer's +waist. "I'm afraid you're a copperhead, OCTAVE." + +"How you do cackle, OLDY!" said her son, who was very proud of her when +she kept still. "You can't see anything good in MONTGOMERY, because, +after the first seven or eight breakfasts with us, he said he was afraid +that so many fishballs would make his head swim." + +"My child," returned the old lady, thrusting an arm so far into the +charity stocking that she seemed to have the wrong kind of blue worsted +limb growing from one of her shoulders, "I have judged this dissipated +young man exactly as though he were my own son-in-law, and know that he +possesses an incendiary disposition. After the fireworks at Saint Cow's +Church, on Saint VITUS'S Day, that devoted Ritualistic Christian, Mr. +BUMSTEAD, came up to me in the porch, with his eyes nearly closed, on +account of the solemnity of the occasion, and began feeling around my +neck with both his hands. When I asked him to explain, he said that he +wanted to see whether my throat was cut yet, as he had heard that we +kept a Southern murderer at home. He was still very pale at what had +taken place in his room over night, when he finally said 'Good-day, +ladies,' to me. + +"MONTGOMERY is certainly attached to me, at any rate," murmured the +Gospeler, reflectively, "and has made no attempt upon my life." + +"That's because his sister restrains him," asserted the mother, with a +fond look. "I overheard her telling him, when she was at dinner here one +day, that you might be taken for a Southerner, if you only wore +dress-coat all the time and were heavily mortgaged. Withdraw her +influence, and the desperate young man would tar and feather us all in +our beds some night." + +Falling silent after this unanswerable proof of Mr. PENDRAGON'S guilt, +Mr. SIMPSON mused upon as much of the dear old nutcracker as was not +hidden by the vast charity stocking. In her ruffled cap, false front, +and spectacles, she was so exactly the figure one might picture Mr. JOHN +STUART MILL to be, after reading his latest literary knitting on the +Revolting Injustice of Masculine Society, that the Gospeler of Saint +Cow's could not help feeling how perfectly useless it was to expect her +to think herself capable of error. + +As, whenever the Reverend OCTAVIUS gave indication of a capacity for +speechless thoughtfulness, his benignant mother at once concluded that +he needed an anti-bilious pill, she now made all haste to the cupboard +to procure that imitation-vegetable and a glass of water. It was the +neatest, best-stored Ritualistic cupboard in Bumsteadville. Above it +hung a portrait of the Pope, from which the grand old Apostolic son of +an infallible dogma looked knowingly down, as though with the contents +of that cupboard he could get-up such a _schema_ as would be palatable +to the most skeptical Bishop in all the Oecumenical Council, and of +which be might justly say: Whosoever dare think that he ever tasted a +better _schema_, or ever dreamed in his deepest consciousness that a +better could be made, let him be anathema maranatha! A most rakish +looking wooden button, noiselessly stealthly and sly, gave entrance to +this treasury of dainties; and then what a rare array of disintegrated +meals intoxicated the vision! There was the Athlete of the Dairy, +commonly called Fresh Butter, in his gay yellow jacket, looking wore to +the knife. There was turgid old Brown Sugar, who had evidently heard the +advice, go to the ant, thou sluggard! and, and mistaking the last word +for Sugared, was going as deliberately as possible. There was the +vivacious Cheese, in the hour of its mite, clad in deep, creamy, golden +hue, with delicate traceries of mould, like fairy cobwebs. The Smoked +Beef, and Doughnuts, as being more sober and unemotional features of the +pageant, appeared on either side the remains of a Cold Chicken, as +rendering pathetic tribute to hoary age; while sturdy, reliable Hash and +Fishballs reposed right and left in their mottled and rich brown coats, +with a kind of complacent consciousness of having been created according +to Mrs. GLASS'S standard dictum, First catch your Hair. + +Gospeler SIMPSON, by natural law, alternated from this wonderful +cupboard, very regularly, to another, or sister cupboard, also presided +over by the good old maternal nut-cracker, wherein the energetic pill +lived in its little pasteboard house next door to the crystal palace of +smooth, insinuating castor oil; and passionate fiery essence of +peppermint grew hot with indignation at the proximity of plebeian +rhubarb and squills. In the present case he quietly took his +anti-bilious globule: which, besides being a step in the direction of +removing a pimple from his chin, was also intended as a kind of medical +preparation for his coming services in the Ritualistic Church, where, at +a certain part of the ceremonies, he was to stand on his head before the +Banner of St. Alban and balance Roman candles on his uplifted feet. When +the day had nearly passed, and the Vesper hour for those services +arrived, he performed them with all the less rush of blood to the head +for being thus prepared; yet there was still a slight sensation of +congestion, and, to get rid of this, when he stepped forth from Saint +Cow's in the twilight, it was to take an evening stroll along the shore +of Bumsteadville pond. + +(_To be Continued_.) + + * * * * * + +CONDENSED CONGRESS. + + +SENATE. + +[Illustration 'D'] + +Down again came the furious FRANK. But not the fiery Hun. Mr. STOCKTON +was Frank. He said he represented New Jersey. (Enthusiastic Groans.) The +constituents of New Jersey were a peculiar people. Such was their +depravity that they said they would rather have fifty per cent taken off +their taxes than to receive the speeches of their representatives in +Congress free of charge. Under these circumstances they looked upon the +franking privilege, he regretted to say, as a swindle, and remonstrated +with him, with tears in their expressive and fish-like eyes, against +being hidden by a shower of public documents. The Congressional Globe +made a very inferior article of lamp-lighters, and the proud pigs of New +Jersey declined to fatten upon the Patent Office reports. + +Mr. TIPTON was in favor of the franking privilege. What good would it do +anybody if Congressmen drew postage-stamps in lieu of writing their +names. As for him, he found it much easier to draw postage-stamps than +to write his name, and he was sure that none of them were so lost to a +sense of their own dignity as to pay their own postages, like ordinary +human beings. + +Mr. STEWART said certainly not. The only thing was that there would be +an account kept of the number of postage-stamps they drew, but nobody +knew how often a man used his frank. He himself had been censured for +franking a few tons of pig-iron from Washington to Nevada. But no amount +of postage-stamps would have carried it. + +Mr. DRAKE referred to the darkest hour of the late war, when +postage-stamps were current, and when, if the proposed changes were +effected, they could have made the Post-Office department pay for their +drinks. But in the present state of the South, when the Ku-Klux Klan, in +spite of his most earnest endeavors, refused to kill anybody, he saw no +hope that those golden hours would return. Therefore he thought it best +to cleave to his frank. + + +HOUSE. + +Mr. LOGAN desired to expel WHITTEMORE permanently. WHITTEMORE had really +gone too far, and if they let him in people would consider that they +were no better, and institute investigations of a disagreeable nature +into the conduct of Congress generally. Of course the House had a right +to expel him. It had a right to expel everybody but himself. + +Mr. ELDRIDGE said that directly Mr. LOGAN would be claiming that he--Mr. +ELDRIDGE--ought to be expelled. This would be unpleasant to him. He +would not die in spring-time. + +MR. BUTLER said, in default of getting San Domingo annexed, he would +like to get the patent of a friend of his in Massachusetts extended. + +Mr. FARNSWORTH objected, upon the ground that Mr. BUTLER had received +shekels from the patentee. + +Mr. BUTLER said, if he had, he hadn't so much hair on his face as +FARNSWORTH. + +The Comic Speaker performed a solo on the gavel, and said it was none of +FARNSWORTH'S business anyhow. + +Mr. FARNSWORTH said Mr. BUTLER had got $2,000, and hadn't earned it. + +Mr. BUTLER said Mr. FARNSWORTH was a coward and an assassin. + +The Comic Speaker said he rather thought FARNSWORTH was a coward, but +assassin was unparliamentary. + +Mr. FARNSWORTH said the evidence showed that BUTLER was on one side +before he got a fee, and on the other afterwards. + +Mr. BUTLER said there was nothing green in his eye. As for FARNSWORTH, +nobody would ever pay him $2000 for anything. + +The Comic Speaker said that all Mr. FARNSWORTH'S remarks were perfectly +shocking. As for Mr. BUTLER, his conduct was admirable. + +Mr. SCHENCK saw that the interest was absorbed by FARNSWORTH and BUTLER, +and tried to divert it by getting up a little shindy with LOGAN. He said +LOGAN wanted everything done in LOGAN'S way, when notoriously everything +ought to be done in SCHENCK'S way. + +Mr. LOGAN said SCHENCK had led the House by the nose for four weeks. Now +he proposed to lead it for a few days himself--by the ear. + +The Comic Speaker said he liked to see this. It made things lively for +the boys. He hoped SCHENCK and LOGAN would keep on. But they didn't; and + +Mr. DAWES said he had charged some time ago that the expenses of the +Government had increased. He wished to take that back. It seemed there +had been an error in the accounts. The Government had made a mistake +against itself of seventy-six millions, and another in favor of itself +of seventy-seven millions. Both added together made more than a hundred +and fifty millions, which would reduce the expenses below those of the +traitor, murderer, viper, and unpleasant person known as ANDREW JOHNSON. + + * * * * * + +CURRENT FABLES. + +THE BULLS AND THE BEAVERS. + + +The Lion claimed dominion over all the beasts wherever they were found, +but some of them were rebellious. Among the malcontents were the Bulls, +part of whom inhabited a pasture so rich that it was called the Green +Isle, while others lived in a charming country with "the best government +the world ever saw," owned and occupied by the Eagles. Adjoining the +latter was a colony of quiet and inoffensive Beavers. The Bulls, angry +at the Beavers for their humble submission to the rule of the remote +Lion, resolved to make war upon them. Accordingly, those Bulls who lived +in the Land of the Eagles proceeded to invade the colony, intending to +dispossess the Beavers and form a government of their own. But the +Eagles had a reasonable degree of respect for the Lion, not so much on +account of his individual strength, which was comparatively trivial, but +because he was the ruler of all manner of beasts. So their leader, after +making the second memorable speech of his life, in which he said "The +Eagles is at peace with the Lion," despatched a little Eaglet to arrest +the progress of the Bulls. This messenger, flying to the edge of the +Beaver's colony, caught and confined in a prison the leader of the +Bulls, who, as he was being conducted to jail, cried out, "Verily it is +not the strength of the individual, but the number of his supporters, +which is the measure of his power." + + * * * * * + +THERMOMETRICAL. + +In the present torrid state of the weather, can the Oriental +craftsmanship lately introduced here be properly termed Coolie labor? + + * * * * * + +THEATRICAL NOTE. + +The OATES troupe now performing at the Olympic Theatre must not be +confounded with the Horse Opera. + + * * * * * + +BETTER LATE THAN NEVER. + +It occurs in PUNCHINELLO, at this late day, to remark that the friends +of America in England, even in the darkest hours of the rebellion, were +ever disposed to look on the BRIGHT side. + + * * * * * + +POETRY VERSUS PROSE. + +A traveller, who has lately been shipwrecked on the ocean, has a notion +that there is precious little poetry in being Rocked in the cradle of +the deep. + + * * * * * + +THE ONLY GERMAN POET RECOGNIZED IN WALL STREET. + +KÖRNER. + + * * * * * + +FUN AND FIN. + +[Illustration: 'S'] + +Since President GRANT's famous trouting excursion to Pennsylvania, +piscatorial pastimes appear to have become quite the thing among the +magnates of the Government. The following item from Washington, cut from +a morning paper, reads very like a bit of gossip from the history of the +Court of CHARLES II: + +"General SPINNER and some of his female Treasury clerks went to the +Great Falls to-day to catch black bass." + +Redolent of all that is rural and sweet, is the idea of SPINNER, +surrounded by a bevy of his "female Treasury clerks," reclining upon a +shady rock just over the Great Falls. We behold SPINNER, with our mind's +eye, "fixing" a bait for one of the lovely young fisherwomen, while half +a dozen of the others are engaged in fanning him and "Shoo-ing" the +flies away from his expressive nose. The picture is a very pretty one, +recalling to mind some brilliant pastoral by WATTEAU. There are numerous +accessories arranged in the foreground, such as hampers of cold chicken +pie, hams of the richest pink and yellow hues, and baskets of champagne, +and it would be interesting to know who pays for all. "Spinning a +minnow," as the anglers term it, for black bass, is a very appropriate +pastime for SPINNER, but, for a fresh-water fisherman, there is +something very Salt Lakey in that arrangement regarding the "female +Treasury clerks." + + * * * * * + +"LOT" ON A LOT OF PROVERBS. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO: One of my friends, who, much to the disgust of his +fellow boarders, is constantly playing an adagio movement in B flat upon +a flute, (that may not be the correct musical term, but no one will ever +know it unless you tell,) informs me that you are astute; another +friend, who makes cigar stumps into chewing tobacco, says, you're "up to +snuff." Assuming the truth of those statements, I apply to you for +information. You have the ability, have you also the inclination, to aid +a poor, weary mariner on the voyage of life, (in the steerage,) who has +been buffeted by reason, tempest-tossed by imagination, becalmed by +fancy, wrecked by stupidity, (other people's,) and is now whirling +helplessly in the Maelstrom of conundrums? (If that doesn't touch your +heart, then has language failed to accomplish the end for which it was +designed--to deceive others.) + +I'm the great American searcher after truth, and, though I've been at +the bottom of every well, except the Artesian ones, I am still a +searcher. Can you refuse to throw a straw to a drowning man, or a crumb +to a starving fellow-creature? Knowing that you have a mammoth heart, +and abundance of straw, and lots of bread, I feel that you cannot. List! +oh, list! and I will my caudal appendage unfold. + +Is enough as good as a feast, if the former is enough of walloping and +the latter is composed of pheasant and champagne? (i.e.: Is real pain as +good as champagne?) TOM ALLEN evidently got enough in his late fight, +but I'm inclined to think that he would rather strain his jaws at a +feast than at a fisticuff. The Young Democracy once got enough staying +out in the cold, but, when some of them were admitted to the feast, they +did not appear to be at all satisfied, but grabbed at the choicest +titbits. + +Is one bird in the hand worth two in the bush, if the one in the hand is +the Police Board, and those in the bush are the Supervisorship and the +Health Board? And suppose you've succeeded in getting your fingers on +those in the bush, wouldn't you try to make a haul? Why, I can imagine a +man who might have the Governor's place in hand, and yet consider one +bird in the bush better, if that bird could sing an old tune called +White House. + +How can it be possible that this world is all a fleeting show? I've +visited a great many shows, and have found that all of them are +conducted on the same principle. You pay your money at the door, sit +undisturbed through the performance, unless some junk-man should take to +junketing, and get out easily, the proprietor in fact seeming rather +glad to get rid of you. But when you enter the world, you pay nothing, +on your way through it you pay constantly, and getting out of it--at the +present prices of coffins and bombazines--is one of the most expensive +things on record. + +Why mustn't you look a gift horse in the mouth, if you are prudent +enough to do it on the sly? Besides, don't everybody look in the horse's +mouth, as soon as the giver has departed? Suppose you're patriotic, and +offer your son to Uncle SAM as a gift, to use in his civil service, +isn't Mr. JENCKES's bill designed as a means of looking into your son's +mouth? Maybe it's to find out if he's a public cribber. What I want to +know is, does this prohibition apply to donkeys? + +What possible connection can there be between doing handsome and being +handsome? Now there's BROWN, who persuaded me, on or about black Friday, +to buy his gold at the highest figures, and thus did a very handsome +thing (for himself), but he is still the ugliest looking man in our +street. + +If it be true, as stated in "The Gates Ajar," that there will be pianos +in heaven, haven't the men who learned harp-making, on the theory that +it was a permanent business, been grossly deceived, and haven't they an +action for damages against somebody, if they can find out who it is? + +If all the world's a stage, what are cars? I admit that all Broadway is +a stage, but is it at all probable that GOV. HOFFMAN vetoed the Arcade +railroad bill on that account? Besides, if all the world's a stage, why +should the men who carry passengers care about the duty on steel rails? + +Is it true that a man must not laugh at his own jokes? Don't you suppose +that the man who invented the _canard_ about the Jews in Roumania is +laughing at the squabble which he has raised between the Associated +Press and the American Press Association, by means of his little joke? +And don't you suppose, when the returns of the last election came in, +that Mr. TWEED laughed very vigorously at his little joke, called the +new election law? If Congress should keep on joking for the rest of the +session, and, as a result, the Republican party should be turned out of +power, don't you suppose that the members will laugh--on the other side +of their mouths? + +There is a certain saying, which everybody retails, about the kind of +people who tell the truth. Now I always tell the truth. I'm exactly like +GEORGE WASHINGTON. If I had cut down the cherry tree, and my stern +parent had appeared upon the scene with a rawhide and asked me who did +it, I should have instantly replied, the hatchet. But I am not a child. +Can it be that I am the other thing? + +Now, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, can you do those sums? I have tried them in every +possible way. I have let X equal the unknown quantity, but I don't know +Y. If you can solve the problems, will you send me the answers by the +first post? + +Yours, + +LOT. + +[Our correspondent seems to labor under the impression that we are a +primary arithmetic, or a dictionary, or a conundrum book. We regret his +mistake, and can simply say that we are nothing of the sort. Any +reasonable conundrums, such as, How old is the world? How many +individuals is Mrs. BRIGHAM YOUNG? What becomes of the Fenian money? +When will Cuba be free? we would willingly answer, but our correspondent +cannot expect us to solve problems which are as old as BARNUM said JOYCE +HETH was. He should be able to see such things as others see them. They +are the unwritten law, and PUNCHINELLO does not propose to alter them.] + + * * * * * + +CONCERNING THE METHODIST BOOK CONCERN. + + 'Tis well enough that GOODENOUGH + Dr. LANAHAN should teach, + That, sure enough, there's law enough + Such slanderers to reach. + + But, like enough, this GOODENOUGH + Dr. LANAHAN may impeach, + And prove enough that's bad enough + To justify his speech. + + * * * * * + +UNKIND. + +TOODLES made a solemn vow the other day, in presence of MUGGINS, that he +"would never shave until he had paid off his debts," but MUGGINS, in +relating the fact, said simply that "TOODLES had concluded to wear a +full beard the rest of his life." + + * * * * * + +THE POEMS OF THE CRADLE. + +Old Mother Hubbard + +GENTLE READER: You have a soul for poetry. Even when an infant, and in +your cradle, you had a soul for poetry. You were not aware of it at this +early stage, but your mother--if you had one--was. With what fond +alacrity did she hasten to your cradle-side, when some wicked little pin +was trying to insinuate itself into your affections much against your +inclination, and soothe you with the pleasing strains of Mother Goose. +And how your eyes brightened and your little feet and hands commenced +playing tag, when you heard the wonders of Mother Goose extolled in +pretty verse. Ah! those were the days of romance. I will leave them now, +to search for the hidden beauties of one of your childhood's melodies, +the eventful career of Mother HUBBARD and her dog. + +I will begin with the opening Canto of the poem, and limit myself, for +the present, with detailing the beauties of its many incidents. + +CANTO I. + + Old Mother Hubbard + Went to the Cupboard + To get her poor dog a bone; + When she got there + The Cupboard wan bare. + And so the poor dog had none! + +Now, Kind Reader, follow closely whilst I display the hidden beauties of +Canto First. You will notice that the author, who now sleeps with the +unnumbered dead--a presumption on my part--has no dedication, no +introduction, no preface. He scorned a dedication, that misnomer for +gratuitous advertising. He wanted no patron, no Lord or Count somebody +or other, who might, perhaps, insure the sale of one more copy. No. He +determined to paddle his own canoe. And he did, you bet.--He wrote no +preface. What was it to the public how many ancient authors he had +ransacked to obtain ideas for his poem? What was it to the public how +many noble minds he had associated with him to help him in his laborious +work? What would the public care about his intentions to have his book +in such a form, to appear at such a date, or to be sold for such a +price? What would be the use of apologizing to the public for his many +weak points, when he thought that he knew more than they? On the +contrary, he very naturally determined that if his Poem, wasn't +readable, it would not be read, and a Preface of ignorance would make +the matter no better.--He kept clear of the folly of an Introduction-a +something which a writer gets up just to keep his hand in, perhaps, or +to tell the reader that _he_ knows all about it!--The empty dishes on +the banquet-board: no one cares for them. + +Our felicitous Author, throwing aside all these traditional +idiosyncrasies, launches boldly into the billowy sea of his +idea-scattered brain[A], and in his very first line gives a full, +concise description of the heroine, Mrs. HUBBARD; and having finished +her description, enumerates, as was meet, the peculiarities, and, I +might say, dogmatic tendencies, of the hero of the tail, Herr Dog! [He +(not H.D., but the Author) says "Old Mother HUBBARD."] Here is +simplicity for you! Here is brevity! "Old Mother HUBBARD!" How sweetly +it sounds; how nicely the words fit each other! What an immense range of +thought he must have who first said "Old Mother HUBBARD." Less gifted +authors of the present would rejoice exceedingly, could they do +likewise. Ah!--and a spark of enthusiasm lightens up your countenance, +[Highfalutin,]--they have no HUBBARD. And if they had they would +commence with a minute detail of how old she was, how venerable she was, +what kind of a mother she was, whose mother she was, and all about her +aunt's family. + +Alas! for the fallen state of our Literature, which tells you +everything, and leaves you nothing to guess at, lest you might not guess +correctly. Well, as I previously observed, the author says "Old Mother +HUBBARD." He must have been correct. You know how it is yourself. + +This felicitous writer then proceeds, and in the next line gives vent to +his pent-up feelings thusly: "Went to the Cupboard." "Went!" What a +happy expression! How appropriate! Besides, it supplies a deficiency +which would have occurred had it been left out. "Went!" There's Saxon +for you. Our happy author, overburdened by his transcendent imagination, +has not the evil propensity of thrusting upon his reader the mode of how +she went; but, noble and manly as he was, he leaves it to you and to me +how she went! + +Here is a vast range for your imagination. Give your fancy wings. One +may think she waddled; another that she rambled. One may say she +preambulated; another that she pedalated.[B] One may remark that she +crutchalated; [C] but all must concede that she "went". Now whither did +she "went"? Ah! methinks your brain is puzzled. Why, she "went to the +Cupboard," says our author, who, perhaps, just then took a ten-cent nip. +She did not go around it, or about it, or upon it, or under it. She did +not let it come to her, but she went herself to the above-mentioned and +fore-named Cupboard. + +Now, when a woman undertakes to do a thing, she has always a reason for +her undertaking; argoul, as my friend, the grave-digger, said, the +heroine of this Epic must have had an object in view. Otherwise, what +would take her to the Cupboard? She was evidently a strong-minded woman, +and would not fritter away her valuable time for nothing. To the +Cupboard she went "to get her poor dog a bone," says the author, +following out the logical sequence of the plot. The hero of the tail was +not in the Cupboard. Of course not. The "bone" was there. Ah! but _was_ +the bone there? The sequel will show. + +Just imagine the mild complacency, the unutterable sympathy, the +affectionate lovingness of the heroine for her hero! And with what +gentle expression she speaks of him--"her poor dog." Verily, must there +have been an abyss of kindly feeling in that Old Dame's large heart for +her poor dog! + +But alas! for human care and anxiety. Away ye smiles and hopes. + + "L'homme propose, mais Dieu dispose."[D] + +In other words, when she got there, to the Cupboard, and peered into its +dark recesses, and searched the hidden corners of its many shelves, "the +Cupboard was bare." + +Alack-a-day for Mr. D.! When he saw his kind mistress toddling along to +the receptacle of many a remnant of many a luxurious feast, he was, +perchance, filled with affection. Melting tears came to his eyes, and +poured, like a cataract, down his noble cheeks. Would it do to have his +loving mistress witness the outburst of his long pent-up feelings? Alas! +No. He must hide his tears. He tore his tail from the wag which was +about to seize it, and gently wiped away his tears! Poor fellow! Your +heart warms towards him, and you stretch out your hands to embrace him, +or to kiss him for his mother, perhaps. How must the author have felt? +If there was one grain of compassion in him, he would feel as I do, as +you do, as we all do, and trust that the loving affection of that poor +dog would be amply repaid by the promised "bone." + +The decrees of Fate are inexorable, however. When she went to the +Cupboard, the Cupboard was bare; had not even one bare bone, and so that +poor heroic dog "had none." [Very long O.] I pity him truly, and fain +would shed tears of grief over his melancholy affliction, if I wasn't so +awfully warm. For was never dog so disappointed as this dog. "Nev-a-r-e, +by all-l-l that's h-h-holy-y-y-e-e."[E] + +Not wishing to be an unwilling witness to the sad scene which was +enacted between these two loving creatures on the disappointment of +their fondest hopes, I will draw the curtain, and leave them, solitary +and alone--alone with themselves, and with no aching eye to witness +their grief, to give vent to their heart-bursting anguish. + +The author did wisely and well to close the Canto. + +Let us have--a rest! + +[Footnote A: Original. By GUM.] + +[Footnote B: Copyright for sale for all the States.] + +[Footnote C: Ditto.] + +[Footnote D: This is French--H. D.] + +[Footnote E: Quotation from XII T.] + + * * * * * + +STANDARD LITERATURE. + +A writer in the _Standard_, thinking that the title Society for the +Prevention of Cruelty to Animals is clumsy on account of its length, +proposes that it be changed to Animalthropic Society. It is not likely +that Mr. BERGH, who has some reputation for scholarship, will adopt a +suggestion in which a bit of Greek is brought in "wrong end foremost," +unless, indeed, his well-known partiality for the canine creature might +induce him to look with favor upon a compound so manifestly of the "dog +Greek" description. + + * * * * * + +QUERY + +Might not the child's new-fangled humming-top, which is advertised to +dance sixty seconds, be said to dance a minuet? + + * * * * * + +CHEERFUL FOR SHOEMAKERS. + +WESTON'S great Feat. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR MUSEUM OF THE FUTURE + +_Learned Professor._ "THESE ARE THE RESTORED REMAINS OF A NOBLE CREATURE +LONG SINCE EXTERMINATED BY THE SAVAGES OF PESTILENT INSECTS KNOWN AS +POLY TICKS."] + + * * * * * + +DESULTORY HINTS AND MAXIMS FOR ANGLERS. + +When you see "excellent trouting in a romantic mountain district" +advertised in the papers, go somewhere else. + +On arriving where you have reason to believe trout exist, inquire of +some rural angler which are the best brooks, and fish exclusively in +those he runs down. + +In making a cast, throw your line as far as you can. The biggest fish +are usually obtained from the long Reaches. + +Never angle under a blistering sun, nor with Spanish flies. + +Keep as far as possible from the brook. If the trout see you they will +connect you with the rod, in which case you will find it difficult to +connect them with the line. + +Many anglers fish up stream, but the surest way to secure a mess of +trout is with the Current. + +Take some agreeable stimulant with you to the water-side. You will find +it a great assistance when Reeling in. + +One of the best places for obtaining the speckled prey is under a +Waterfall--but you needn't mention this fact to the ladies. + +When a brook divides among the trees, angle in the main stream, not in +the Branches. + +In playing a trout under the willows, be very careful, or you may get +Worsted among the Osiers. + +When you land a two-pound trout (which you never will,) double the +weight, else what's the use of having a Multiplier. + +If you wish to take anything heavy you must walk right into the water. +The regular Sneezers are generally caught in this way. + +The experienced angler goes forth expecting nothing, and is rarely +disappointed. + +Superstitious Piscators have great faith in the Heavenly Signs, but +often fail to find a Sign of a Fish under the fishiest sign of the +Zodiac. + +Avoid water-courses infested with saw-mills. These dammed streams seldom +contain many trout. + +To jerk a fish out of the water with a wire is even more despicable than +political wire-pulling. + +A rod should never consist of more than three sections, and the angler +should look well to his joints after a wetting, as they are apt to swell +and stiffen in the Sockets. + +Rise early if you would have good sport. Should you feel sleepy +afterwards, the river has a Bed that you can easily get into. + +Catching trout is strictly a summery pleasure, and when indulged in at +any other season should be visited by Summary punishment. + +There are numerous treatises on angling, but in "JOHN BROWN'S Tract" the +youthful Piscator will find the best of Guides. + +It often happens that trout do not begin to bite till late in the day, +in which case it is advisable to make the most of the _commencement de +la Fin._ + +As the culture of fish is now engaging the attention of philanthropists, +it is probable that the superior varieties will hereafter be found in +Schools, where, of course, the Rod will be more profitably employed than +in Whipping (under present circumstances,) "the complaining brooks that +keep the meadows green." + + * * * * * + +LOVE IN A BOARDING-HOUSE. + + Miss SARAH SAGOE'S boarding-house--I recommend her steaks; + Two plates of pudding she allows, and--oh! what buckwheat cakes! + We're all so very fond of them, (we deprecate the grease,) + But we'd a greater fondness for Miss SARAH SAGOE'S niece. + + In heavenly blue her eyes surpassed--the milk; "her teeth were pearl." + That's BROWN! Poetic genius, BROWN, (devoted to that girl.) + JOE TROTT to flowers took; SAWTELL, and PETERS to croquet; + GREEN thrumbed guitar; while as for me, I sighed and pined away. + + Not one but lost his appetite--at no less price for board. + Meanwhile this heartless ARABELLE, by all of us adored, + Gives out that she's to marry a rich broker from New York; + We heard the news at dinner--down dropped each knife and fork. + + We're glad our eyes are open now, though every one's a dupe, + 'Tis queer we didn't see before how she dipped up the soup; + And, now I think it over, I wonder man could wish + To win that hand unmerciful that so harpooned the fish. + + "That vulgar girl," as JOE TROTT says, "a helpmeet fine will make"-- + She never failed to help herself most handsomely to steak; + The pudding holds out better now that she is gone away-- + And it's consolation precious that I've not her board to pay. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +THE WEDDING RING AGAIN. + +AS PUNCHINELLO WOULD HAVE IT WORN. + +(_Suggested by an Indignant Sister of Sorosis._)] + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +[Illustration 'M'] + +Manager DALY found _Frou Frou_ so popular, that he has given us a second +dose of M. SARDOU'S Dramatic Mixture, three times stronger than the +first, and warranted to restore the moral tone of all repentant Pretty +Waiter Girls. The label borne by the new Mixture is "_Fernande_," but as +"CLOTILDE," and not "FERNANDE," is the principal ingredient, the name is +obviously ill-selected. Though the materials were imported from the +celebrated Parisian laboratory of M. SARDOU, the Mixture in its present +form was prepared "_in vacuo_" by two dramatic chemists of this city, +and ought properly to bear their name. As compared with _Frou Frou_, it +is much more palatable, and far more powerful, and there is no reason to +suppose that it contains anything deleterious to the moral health of the +play-goer. An analysis made by order of PUNCHINELLO shows that it +consists of the following materials, combined in the following +proportions: + +ACT I.--_Scene, a Gambling-House. Enter_ M. POMMEROL, _a benevolent +lawyer._ + +POMMEROL. "I am a lawyer with an enormous practice. Having nothing +whatever to do, I came here to find FERNANDE, the pretty waiter girl. +Here comes my cousin CLOTILDE. She is an angel of virtue and the +mistress of my friend ANDRE. What can she want here?" + +CLOTILDE. "My carriage has just run over a young girl, who lives here. +As the horses trampled upon her for some time, I came to see if she had +sustained any inconvenience." + +POMMEROL. "CLOTILDE, this girl is named FERNANDE. She is as bad as she +can well be, therefore I implore you to take her home with you and adopt +her. Will you do it?" + +CLOTILDE. "Of course I will. Who could refuse such a trifling request! +But look, here come the people of the house." + +_Enter various gamblers and disreputable women, who conduct themselves +with appropriate freedom from the restraints of conventionality._ +FERNANDE, _who is too lachrymose to be a cheerful feature, is wisely +placed on guard at the outer door. The company proceed to play at faro, +the bank being the loser. There is a false alarm of police, and the game +is suddenly stopped. The Banker, being naturally indignant, attempts to +relieve his mind by punching_ FERNANDE's _head. Heroic interference by_ +POMMEROL, _and consequent tableau. Curtain._ + +SATIRICAL PERSON, _to one of the ushers._ "Will you tell me what street +this house is in?" + +USHER. "Twenty-fourth street, sir." + +SATIRICAL PERSON. "All right. You see I came up in a University Place +car, and I was beginning to think, after having seen that last scene, +that I had made a mistake, and gone down town instead of up town." + +RESPECTABLE LADY, _to female friend._ "Isn't it shockingly improper! But +then it is so interesting, and it is really one's duty to know how those +creatures conduct themselves when they are at home." + +ACT II.--_Scene,_ CLOTILDE's _Garden._ CLOTILDE _soliloquizes as +follows:_ + +CLOTILDE. "I have adopted FERNANDE and shall call her MARGUERITE. ANDRE +has deceived me, and I will test his love at once." (_Enter_ ANDRE.) + +CLOTILDE. "ANDRE, I think we have made a mistake in fancying ourselves +in love. Would you like to leave me?" + +ANDRE. "My dearest friend, I really think I should. You see I have just +fallen in love with an innocent little angel. By Jove! there she is. +Tell me her name." + +CLOTILDE. "That is MARGUERITE, a protegé of mine. You shall marry her. +Go and make love to her." (_He goes._) + +CLOTILDE. "The base wretch deserts me. I will proceed to become a +tigress. I will marry him to FERNANDE, and then tell him what a base +wretch she is. We'll see how he will like that. He thinks her innocent! +Ha! ha! (_Aside._--On reflection she is innocent according to this +version of the play; but SARDOU told the truth about her, and I will act +on the supposition that she is a wretch.) That will be a fit revenge, +and I can't do better than rave about it for a while." (_Raves +accordingly until the curtain falls._) + +COLD-BLOODED CRITIC. "I have never seen a finer piece of acting than +that of Miss MORANT in the last scene. But then her revenge becomes +absurd when you reflect that FERNANDE is just what ANDRE fancies her, an +innocent girl. That is a fair specimen of the way in which American +writers adapt French plays. They sacrifice probability to prudery." + +FASHIONABLE LADY. "How sweetly penitent FERNANDE looks in her black +dress. I hope she will be innocent enough to wear white in the next act. +One shouldn't give way to repentance or grief for too long a time. Now +when my husband died I was in the deepest grief for six months, and then +slipped into half mourning so gradually that no one noticed the change." + +ACT III. FERNANDE _and_ CLOTILDE _are discovered discussing the question +of_ FERNANDE's _wedding outfit._ + +FERNANDE. "But does ANDRE know how naughty I behaved when I was an +innocent girl in a gambling-house?" + +CLOTILDE. "He does, my dear, but you mustn't speak of it to him," + +FERNANDE. "I will write to him then, and confess all. There isn't +anything to confess, but still I am determined to confess it." + +CLOTILDE. "Write if you choose. (_Aside._ I will put the letter in a +lamp-post box, so that he will never get it. On second thought I will +keep it. Some day I might want to use it.") + +FERNANDE _writes the letter and_ CLOTILDE _confiscates it._ ANDRE, +POMMEROL _and a variety of people come and go and talk of a variety of +things. Finally_ FERNANDE _and_ ANDRE _are led out to marriage, and the +dread ceremony is perpetrated. Curtain._ + +The fourth act opens with a pleasant family party at the house of the +newly married couple. The company play at that singular game of cards so +popular on the stage, in which everybody plays out of turn, and nobody +ever takes a trick. Finally they all go to bed except ANDRE, who goes to +sleep in his chair, as is doubtless the custom with newly-married +Frenchmen. Presently CLOTILDE enters through a secret door and wakes him +up. + +ANDRE. "My dear CLOTILDE, you really mustn't. Think what my wife would +say. So innocent an angel would suspect there was something wrong in +your visiting me at midnight." + +CLOTILDE. "Base villain, you have deserted me. Now I am revenged. Your +wife was once a pretty waiter-girl and her name is FERNANDE. Call her +and ask her if I speak the truth." (_He calls her._) + +ANDRE. "Is your name FERNANDE? Ah, I see by the disorder of your back +hair that CLOTILDE's story is too true. Wretched girl, why did you not +tell me all before I married you?" + +FERNANDE. "Spare me. I was a pretty waiter-girl, but I wrote you a +letter and confessed my innocence." + +(_She faints on a worsted ottoman, while her husband raves like an_ +OTTOMAN _who has been worsted in a difficulty with an intruder into his +harem.) Enter_ POMMEROL. + +POMMEROL. "She speaks the truth. Here is her written confession. I took +it out of CLOTILDE's pocket. I will read it." (_Reads it._) + +FERNANDE. "You hear it? I confessed all my innocence. If you did not get +it, blame the post-office authorities, but do not throw the poker at +me." + +ANDRE. "FERNANDE! My love! My wife! Come back, and I will forgive your +innocence!" (_Tableau._) _Curtain._ + +RESPECTABLE MATRON. "Well, I will say that of all indecent plays this is +the worst. It isn't half as nice as that pretty _Frou-Frou_. The idea of +that miserable ANDRE forgiving such a hussy as his wife!" + +From which virtuous and venomous opinion the undersigned begs to differ. +The play is simply superb, in spite of the faults of the translation. It +is shocking only to the most prurient of prudes; and in point of +morality is infinitely better than _Frou-Frou_. And then it is played as +it ought to be. Miss MORANT is magnificent, Mr. LEWIS is immensely +funny, and Messrs. CLARKE and HASKINS are equal to whatever is required +of them. If _Frou-Frou_ ran a hundred nights, _Fernande_ ought to run +five hundred. And that it may is the sincere hope of + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +A NEW MUSICAL SENSATION. + +It is stated that the Oneida Indians have organized a cornet band. This +new combination of Copper and brass will doubtless have a very pleasing +effect. + + * * * * * + +THE WATERING PLACES. + +PUNCHINELLO'S VACATIONS. + +Last week Mr. PUNCHINELLO took a run over to Saratoga. He bought +DISRAELI'S new novel to read in the cars, and he very soon made up his +mind that if the book correctly described the tone of society in +England, it is safe to say that it is low there. + +Reaching the town of merry Springs and doleful Swallows, Mr. P. went +straight to the house of the good LELANDS. When he got there he was +amazed--he couldn't believe that that grand palace was the old "Union." +But he soon reflected that it was the fashion, now-a-days, to +reconstruct old Unions of every kind, and so it wasn't so surprising to +his mind after he had got through with his reflections. But he couldn't +help hoping that the fellows down at Washington, who were also at work +on an old Union, would turn out as good a job as the LELANDS had. As +soon as he got inside, Mr. P. summoned his friend WARREN, that they +might consult together about his accommodations. There were plenty of +vacant rooms, but Mr. P. made up his mind that he would prefer to take +one of those delightful cottages in the court-yard. One of these was so +much more gorgeous than the others, that Mr. P. chose it on the spot. + +"Ah!--yes--" quoth the gentle WARREN, "I should be delighted, I'm sure, +but that cottage is reserved especially for the Empress EUGENIE, who, +you know, is expected here daily." + +"Indeed!" said Mr. P. "If she is coming so soon, I could not, of course, +keep it very long. So tell me, my good friend, for what trifling sum +will you let me have this cottage till the Empress comes?" + +Mr. LELAND gazed earnestly at Mr. P., and asked him what he thought of +the Chinese question; and whether he believed that this would be a good +year for corn. Then Mr. P. struck a bargain for a back-room in the +seventh story of the right-hand tower. + +Early the next morning Mr. P., like a conscientious man as he is, went +to drink of the waters of the place. He had a strong belief, based upon +experience, that he would not fancy any of the old springs, and so he +tried a new one--the "Geyser." + +Mr. P. stayed a good while at the Geyser. There happened to be a young +lady there who insisted upon helping him to the water with her own lily +hands--the boy might dip it up, but she _must_ hand it to him--and she +had such a way with her that he drank fifty-one glasses. When he came +back to the hotel, and the good WARREN asked him what was the matter, he +merely remarked: + +"I'm a quiz, LELAND. If you choose, you may call me a Guy, sir." + +Mr. P. got himself analysed that day by Dr. ALLEN, and he was found to +consist principally of carbonate of Lime; Silicate of Potassa; Iodide of +Magnesia; and Chloride of Sodium; with a strong trace of Sulphate of +Strontia. + +At night, however, he was able to attend the hop in the grand saloon. +For a time Mr. P. danced with one girl right along. A pretty girl she +was, too, and the style of her dress showed very plainly that it was +EUGENIE she was hoping to see at Saratoga, and not Madame OLLIVIER. +Well, she had not danced with Mr. P. more than a couple of hours when +she left him for a Pole--one of these wandering Counts that you always +see at such places--a regular hop-Pole, in fact. Mr. P. got very angry +at this insult, and if he had had his way he would have had the fellow +partitioned off--like his beloved country. He was so wrathy, indeed, +that when the hop was over he started on an Arctic expedition, but he +had the same luck as KANE, HALL, and the other fellows. + +He never saw that Pole. + +After this, Mr. P. thought he would keep away from the ladies--but it +was of no use to think. There is a _something_ about Mr. +PUNCHINELLO--but it matters not--suffice it to say that he went out +buggy riding the next day with ANNA DICKINSON on the Lake road. The +horse he drove had belonged to LEONARD JEROME--he was out of "Cash" by +"Thunder," and he had sold him to the livery-man here. He was called a +"two-forty," but when he began to go, Mr. P. was of the opinion that a +musician would have considered his style entirely too _forte_. They had +not ridden more than half way to BARHYTE'S, before Mr. P. began to feel +his arm bones coming out. But the "Princess of the Platform" was +delighted. + +"Why, you're a capital fellow, Mr. PUNCHINELLO," she cried. "There's +nothing slow or fogeyish about you. You ought to be on the _Revolution_, +now that TILTON is putting live people there." + +"I shall be a tiltin' myself, and on a revolution too," said Mr. P., "if +this confounded horse don't slack up." + +"Why, what do you mean?" said Miss D. + +"I mean we shall upset," said he. + +"He's got his head too much your side," screamed Miss D. "Hadn't you +better pull on the left string?" + +"No, I hadn't," yelled Mr. P., as the horse commenced to run. + +"But _I_ think you had," cried she. "Don't you believe that women are +naturally as capable of understanding and determining what laws will be +as equitable, and what measures as effective to those ends, as men?" + +"No, I don't!" cried Mr. P., sawing away at the horse's mouth, and +beginning to make a little impression upon it. + +"You should pull that left leather string!" she cried again. "Don't I +know? How dare you make sex a ground of exclusion from the possession +and exercise of equal rights!" and with this, she made a grab at the +left rein. + +It is of no use entering into further particulars of this ride. Towards +evening, Mr. P. and his companion returned to Saratoga and delivered to +the livery-man his equipage--that is, what was left of it. + +That evening, Mr. P. was sitting in his room, very busy over a new +conundrum for his paper. He had got the answer all right, but to save +his life, he could not get a question to suit it. While he was thus +puzzling his brains, there came a knock at the door, and to him entered +the Hon. JOHN MORRISSEY. + +"Good evenin', P.," says JOHN, taking, at the same time, a seat, and one +of Mr. P.'s _Partagas_. "I want you to do something for me." + +"And what is it?" said Mr. P., with a benevolent smile. + +"Why, you see," said the Hon. JOHN, "I'm very busy just now--the +commencement of the season, you know--and I would like you to serve in +my place for a while." + +"Why, Congress will soon adjourn now!" said Mr. P. + +"Oh, yes!" said MORRISSEY, "but I'm on a committee which must serve in +the recess. Me and BILL KELLEY are the two chaps appointed as a +committee to weigh all the pig-iron that has been imported in the last +year, and to see if the gover'ment hasn't been swindled, in either the +deal or the play. Now you see that ain't in my line at all, and as soon +as I heard you were here, I thought you were the man to take my place." + +"I'm sorry," said Mr. P., "but really, JOHN, I haven't the time. It's a +sort of committee of ways and means, isn't it?" + +"Well," said JOHN, "a fellow weighs, that's true; and the whole business +is mean enough. But if you can't take hold of it, we'll say no more +about it. Come on down with me to my place and have some supper." + +"Your place!" said Mr. P. "Have you a place here?" + +"Yes, _sir_," said the Congressman, "a bully club-house, and it's paid +for too; and if you'll come along I'll give you a hearty welcome and +some good cigars--and not dime ones, either," added he, throwing away +the greater part Mr. P.'s _Partaga_. + +The personal property of Mr. PUNCHINELLO consisted principally of U. S. +5.20 coupon bonds of 1868; Chicago and Northwestern--preferred; Hannibal +and St. Joseph--1st mortgage bonds; a heavy deposit of bullion, mostly +gold bars; and Ashes in inspection ware-house, both pots and pearls. + +When, early the next morning, he left the club-house of his friend, the +Congressman, he was still the proud owner of his Ashes--both pots and +pearls. + +Saratoga is too expensive a place for a long sojourn, and Mr. P. left +the next day. + + * * * * * + +COMIC ZOOLOGY. + +ORDER, PACHYDERMATA.--THE RHINOCEROS. + +There are several species of the Rhinoceros, some of which have one +horn, like a Unicorn, others two, like a Dilemma. All the varieties are +as strictly vegetarian as the late SYLVESTER GRAHAM, but their fondness +for a botanic diet may be ascribed to instinct, rather than reflection, +as they are not ruminating animals. The most formidable of the tribe is +the Black Rhinoceros of Equatorial Africa, which is particularly +dangerous when it turns to Bay. Though dull of eye and ear, this +ponderous beast will follow a scent with wonderful tenacity, and the +promptness with which it makes its tremendous charges has earned for it, +among European hunters, the sobriquet of the "Ready Rhino." The fact +that the Black Rhinoceros is armed with two horns, while most of the +white species have but one, may perhaps account for the greater +viciousness of the former--it being generally admitted that the most +ferocious of all known monsters are those which have been furnished with +a plurality of horns. This is the position taken by the famous New +England naturalist, NEAL DOW, in his dissertations on that destructive +Eastern pachyderm, the Striped Pig, and it seems to be fully borne out +by the history of the great Scriptural Decicorn, as given by the +inspired Zoologist, ST. JOHN. + +We learn from Sir SAMUEL BAKER and other Nimrods of the Ramrod who have +hunted up the Nile, that herds of the Black Rhinoceros are pretty +thickly sprinkled throughout the whole extent of the Nilotic basin, and +especially near the great watershed which forms the primary source of +the mysterious river. The natives of that region universally regard the +creature as a Rum customer, and not having the requisite Spirit to face +it boldly, they set Gins under the Tope trees, at the places where it +comes to drink, and thus effect its destruction. + +As the Rhinoceros, whatever its species, seeks the densest covert, and +its hide is almost impenetrable, it is a difficult animal to bag. Its +peltry being of about the same consistency and thickness as the +vulcanized India Rubber used in cushioning billiard tables, balls often +rebound from it without producing a score. This difficulty may, however, +be obviated--according to Sir SAMUEL BAKER--by firing half-pound shells +from the shoulder, with a rifle of proportionate size, and if the +Sporting Bulletins of that enterprising traveller are not shots with the +long bow, he carried the war into Africa to some purpose, not +unfrequently bagging his Baker's dozen of Rhinoceroses in the course of +forty-eight hours. The African and the Asiatic species bear a general +resemblance to each other, although probably, if placed side by side, +points of difference would be observed between them. + +It is a disputed question among Biblical commentators whether the +Rhinoceros or the Hippopotamus is the Behemoth of Scripture, but as the +Rhinoceros feeds on furze and the Hippopotamus does not, it would seem +that the terminal syllable "moth" more properly applies to the latter. +As numerous fossil remains of the animal have been found from time to +time in the Rhenish provinces of Germany, it is supposed by some +archaeologists that prior to the Noachian Deluge its principal habitat +was the Valley of the Rhine, where it was known as the Rhine-horse. The +"horse," it is alleged, was subsequently corrupted into "hoss," +whereupon the lexicographers, uncertain which of the two renderings was +the true one, called it in their vocabularies the "Rhine horse or hoss," +and thence the present still more senseless corruption, "Rhinoceros." +This is, of course, mere theory, but it is supported by the well +authenticated parallel case of the Nylghau--more properly Nile +Ghaut--which derived its name from the singular fact that it was never +seen by any human being in the neighborhood of the Ghauts of the Nile. +Although the Nile has such a fishy reputation that stories from that +source are generally taken _cum grano salis_, or profanely characterised +(see Cicero) as "_Nihil Tam incredible_," the above statement in +relation to the Nylghau will not be seriously disputed by any well +informed naturalist. + +The general aspect of the Rhinoceros is that of a hog in armor on a +grand scale. The males of the genus are called bulls, but they are more +like boars, with the tusk inverted and transferred by Rhino-plastic +process to the nose. When enraged, the animal exalts its horn and +trumpets like a locomotive, whereupon it is advisable to give it the +right of way, as to face the music would be dangerous. + + * * * * * + +SIC SEMPER E PLURIBUS, ETC. + + Oh, Star-spangled Banner! once emblem of glory, + And guardian of freedom and justice and law, + How bright in the annals of war was thy story! + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + Time was when the nations beheld thee and trembled, + Though now they assure us they don't care a straw + For wrath which they say is but poorly dissembled; + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + They _know_ our best ships are dismantled or rotten, + _We_ know that they'll soon be abolished by law, + And FARRAGUT'S triumphs are nearly forgotten; + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + The soldiers whose best days were spent in our service-- + Whose manhood we claimed as our right by the law, + As paupers must die, since their cost would unnerve us; + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + We look for respect in the eyes of the nations, + And man our defences with soldiers of straw, + To save for vile uses their pay and their rations; + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + With armies reduced, and the ghost of a navy, + Of course we must trust to our ancient _éclat_; + Economy now is the cry, we must save a + Few millions for thieves to steal--_unum go bragh!_ + + "_Sun_" DANA may bluster as much as he pleases-- + Our friend, Mr. FISH, is sustained by the law, + And old Mr. BENNETT just bellows to tease us; + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + There's LOGAN, who once had the heart of a hero-- + Alas! that same heart is now only a craw, + And its vigor has sunk away down below Zero; + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + His action has sadden'd the hearts of more freemen + Than fought under GRANT in defence of the law; + Well--well--never mind--we can boast of our women; + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + The people may some day awake to the notion + That statesmen can tamper too much with the law, + And send them to regions less genial than Goshen; + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR NURSERY-MAIDS. + _Julia._ (_Who has been cautioned not to leave the private park on any + account_.) "WHICH WAY NOW, MARY ANN?" + + _Mary Ann._ "TO THE MILLINER'S. AND YOU?" + + _Julia._ "TO THE DRESSMAKER'S." + + _Mary Ann._ "OH, WHAT BOTHERS CHILDREN IS!"] + + * * * * * + +ON CATS. + +Some cats are black, some brown, some white, some "arf and arf." + +Some cats are gentle, and require a good deal of pinching and +"worriting" to bring them to the scratch, like some persons, who require +to get their dander up before they'll show fight. + +Other cats, however, are very vicious. These, from their spitting +proclivities, might be called Spitfires. I dare say this regards black +cats most, whose backs, when rubbed in the dark, are seen to emit +_sparks_. + +A cat that is good at the spitting business, and well up in the trade, +can do a smart thing or two in the defensive line--as when confronted by +a dog, for instance. If the feline can only keep up a vigorous and well +directed spitting, the canine is almost sure to retreat, with his tail +between his legs, (if it is not too short to get there.) + +Cats are generally considered rat and mouse destroyers. I dare say they +are, though the two I once kept (I drowned them in the cistern) were +more notorious as crockery destroyers than anything else. I thought, on +the whole, that they exterminated more raw beef than rats and mice, so I +consigned them to a watery grave. + +It was a good thing for WHITTINGTON that there are such things as mice, +and cats (if they are not too fat) to destroy them. His cat was truly +worth its weight in gold to him. Such a cat should have been embalmed +for the benefit of posterity. It must have been a noble sight to see the +feline banquetting on the dainty joints of the _mus_ in the Fejee +palace, and WHITTINGTON getting a bag of gold for each victim his +follower devoured. Honor to WHITTINGTON and his Cat! + +Cats are very fond of birds--when they can get 'em, "otherwise not." To +see a cat watching a bird, you would think there was some magnetic +attraction in the love line between them. There may be, _before hand_. +But let the cat once touch its sought-for, and I assure you there is no +love lost. By some accident or other, the little birdie goes down +Grimalkin's throat. + +A cat has nine lives, we are told; something like old METHUSELAH, who, +they declare, got so tired of living that he had to die to get some +relief. I know some ladies who would like to borrow a life or two from +the cat, especially those on the wrong side of the line, as regards +thirty. Owing to the nine lives, a cat may be jerked about pretty +promiscuously from third story windows, _et cetera_. They have a knack +of falling on their feet, which a good many BLONDINS would like to +have--especially when a rope breaks, and when they "a kind of" forget +that "Pride must have a fall." + +Such are a few remarks on Cats of every description. As this ain't a +Prize Essay, I don't give the different species, which are as numerous +as the hairs of my head, and these are now pretty numerous, as I am not +particular about cutting them. + +BILL BISCAY. + + * * * * * + +"DY(E)ING AND SCOURING DONE HERE." + +A Correspondent of one of the daily papers, writing from Athens, on the +subject of the brigandage outrages lately perpetrated in Greece, says +that "the Kingdom is scoured by soldiers." + +That's right. It has long been a very dirty little Kingdom, and a good +scouring by soldiers is the only thing to obliterate the numerous Greece +spots with which it has been tarnished. + + * * * * * + +NOW'S YOUR CHANCE. + +The attention of the New York daily newspapers is called to the fact +that the mosquitoes down in Maine this season are uncommonly large and +extremely numerous. Now, it is well known that fleas can be trained to +do (upon a small scale) many things usually done by human beings; and +why may not the very largest of the mosquitoes be educated to manage the +daily newspapers? How beautifully would they buzz! how venomously would +they bite! how remorselessly would POTT, (of _The Independent_,) let +loose his insect champions upon SLURK, of _The Gazette_! + +P. S. Mr. PUNCHINELLO begs leave to observe that no allusion is here +intended to Mr. TILTON'S _Independent_, which is extremely well supplied +with mosquitoes already. + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +One of the most heart-rending elopements on record is that of MORDECAI +SKAGGS, an Indianian by birth, but a Chicagoan by adoption, who left a +legitimate spouse at Owen, Spencer County, Indiana, and fled with a +beautiful "affinity" toward the "Lake City." The deserted wife, like a +pursuing Nemesis, "went for him." She tracked him from stage to stage of +his journey, and finally overtook the fugitive, but not before he had +"consummated marriage a second time." + +When found, she did not pause "to make a note" of MORDECAI, but seized +him by the beard, very much as OTHELLO did the "uncircumcised Jew;" yet, +not caring to slay him outright, she exploded a pitcher of ice-water +upon his heated brow, and while still clasping his dishevelled locks +pelted the supposed guilty partner of his flight with the fragments of +the broken vessel. But the chief shock of this disaster, to the +unfortunate SKAGGS, occurred in the interval of a brief cessation of +hostilities, when the enraged wife demanded to know of the other woman +why she had thus outraged the sanctity of her domestic altars, and the +"other woman" explained that the too seductive SKAGGS had represented +himself as a single man. Thereupon the two joined forces, and set upon +MORDECAI; pulling his hair out by the roots; scarifying his manly phiz +with their delicate claws; and so marring and disfiguring this +"double-breasted" deceiver that not even the penetration of the maternal +eye could discover in that battered carcass the once familiar lineaments +of a beloved son. + +The thought suggested to PUNCHINELLO by this catastrophe is whether we +may not safely leave the iniquity of Western divorce law to work out its +own salvation, when it provokes the use of such weapons, and makes it +possible for the penalty to follow so closely upon the heels of crime. + + * * * * * + + +A. T. STEWART & Co. + +OFFER A LARGE LOT OF + +JAPANESE POPLINS at 50 cts. per yard; recent price $1. + +LYON'S CHECKED SILKS, SPRING COLORS, $1 per yard; reduced from $1.50 + +LYON'S CHECKED SILKS, SPRING COLORS, $1.25 per yard; reduced from $1.75. + +HEAVY CHINE SILKS, GRISAILLE COLORS, $1.50 per yard; value $2.50. + +An Elegant Assortment of + +Choice Colors In Mozambique Poplins, + +Extra Fine Quality. + +ALSO + +A Variety of Novelties in + +Checked, Striped and Plain-Colored Poulte De Sole, + +Just received per last steamer. + + +BROADWAY, + +4th Ave., 9th and 10th Streets. + + * * * * * + +A. T. Stewart & Co. + +Have just received + +TWO CASES + +Extra Fine Elboeuf Cassimeres, + +The very Latest Paris Novelties. + +BROADWAY, + +4th Ave., 9th and 10th Streets. + + * * * * * + +A. T. Stewart & Co. + +WILL OFFER, + +Prior to taking their Semi-Annual Inventory, + +Extraordinary Bargains + +IN EVERY DESCRIPTION OF + +Silks, Dress Goods, &c., + +BROCHE GRENADINES, 25 cts. per yard; reduced from 40 cts. + +PRINTED ORGANDIES, extra fine, 20 cts. per yard; reduced from 40 cts. + +SHIRTING CAMBRICS, yard wide, only 12-1/2 cts. per yard. + +Llama Lace Shawls, Jackets, Iron +Grenadine Bareges, Real +India Camel's Hair +Shawls. + +_Plain Centres, Wide Borders, only $35 and upward._ + +PARIS MADE + +SILK CLOAKS AND SACQUES, + +Richly Embroidered Breakfast Jackets, &c. + +BROADWAY, + +4th Ave., 9th and 10th Streets. + + * * * * * + +A. T. Stewart & Co. + +Have made still further reductions in + +LADIES' LINEN AND COTTON SUITS, $5 each and upward. + +LAWN WALKING AND EVENING DRESSES, ELEGANTLY TUCKED, PUFFED, AND FLOUNCED, +$10 each upward. + +CHILDREN'S LINEN, LAWN, AND PIQUE SUITS, +TRIMMED OR BRAIDED, $1.50 each upward. + +LADIES' AND CHILDREN'S UNDERWEAR, WEDDING TROUSSEAUX, INFANTS' WARDROBES +BATHING SUITS, BOYS' CLOTHING, LADIES' PARIS AND DOMESTIC-MADE HATS AND +BONNETS, TRIMMED, $3 each upward. UNTRIMMED, $1 each upward. + +Flowers, Feathers, &c. + +_Customers and the residents of the neighboring +cities are respectfully invited to examine._ + +BROADWAY, + +4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO, + +The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly +Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The Press and the Public in +every State and Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper of the +kind ever published in America. + +CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL + +Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) $4.00 + " " six months, (without premium,) 2.00 + " " three months, " " 1.00 +Single copies mailed free, for 10 + +We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S +CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows: + +A copy of paper for one year, and +"The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chrome. Size 8-3-8 by 11-1-8 +($2.00 picture,)--for $4.OO + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $3.00 chromos: + +Wild Roses. 12-1/8 x 9. +Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-5/8 +Easter Morning. 6-2/4 x 10-1/4--for $5.00 + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $5.00 chromos: + +Group of Chickens; Group of Ducklings; Group of Quails. Each 10 x 12-1/8. +The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14. +The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-2/4 x 13. +Pointer and Quail; Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12--for + $6.50 + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $6.00 chromos: + +The Baby in Trouble; The Unconscious Sleeper; The Two Friends. +(Dog and Child.) Each 12-7/8 x 16-1/4. +Spring; Summer; Autumn; 12-7/8 x 16-1/8. +The Kid's Play Ground. 11 x 17-1/2--for $7.00 + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $7.50 chromos: + +Strawberries and Baskets. +Cherries and Baskets. +Currants. Each 13 x 18. +Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4. +Six Central Park Views.(A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2--for $8.00 + +A copy of paper for one year and + +Six American Landscapes. (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00--for + $9.00 + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $10 chromos: + +Sunset in California. (Bierstadt.) 18-1/8 x 12 +Easter Morning. 14 x 21. +Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/2 x 16-3/8. +Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromos,) 15-1/2 x 10/1-2, +together for $10.00 + +Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank Checks on +New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be sent from the first +number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise ordered. + +Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents per +year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS will be _mailed +free_ on receipt of money. + +CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be given. +For special terms address the Company. + +The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the paper +before subscribing for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any one +desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp. + +Address, + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New York. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BY THE SAD SEA WAVES. + +"WANT A NICE PAIR OF BATHING DRAWERS, BOSS?"] + + * * * * * + +PRANG'S CHROMOS are celebrated for their close resemblance to +Old Paintings. Sold in all Art and Bookstores throughout the world. + +PRANG'S LATEST CHROMOS: "Flowers of Hope," "Flowers of Memory." +Illustrated Catalogues sent free on receipt of stamp. + +L. PRANG & CO., Boston. + + * * * * * + +The New York Standard: + +A Daily Morning Newpaper, + +CONTAINING ALL THE NEWS. + +Single Copies, Two Cents. Subscription Price, +Six Dollars a Year. + +Published Every Morning, except Sundays. + +At 34 PARK ROW, by + +JOHN RUSSELL YOUNG. + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO. + +With a large and varied experience in the management and publication of a +paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the still more positive +advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the undertaking, the + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. + +OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, + +Presents to the public for approval, the new + +ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL +WEEKLY PAPER, + +PUNCHINELLO, + +The first number of which was issued under date of April 2. + +ORIGINAL ARTICLES, + +Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive +ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the +day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. + +Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless +postage stamps are inclosed. + +TERMS: + +One copy, per year, in advance $4 00 +Single copies 10 +A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the +receipt of ten cents. +One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other +magazine or paper, price $2.50, for 5 50 +One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for 7 00 + +All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +No. 83 Nassau Street, + +P.O. Box, 2783, New York. + + * * * * * + +"The Printing House of the United States." + +GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., + +General JOB PRINTERS, + +BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, +STATIONERS Wholesale and Retail, +LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers, +COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, +CARD Manufacturers, +ENVELOPE Manufacturers, +FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. + +163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., +73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New-York. + +ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under +immediate supervision of the proprietors. + + * * * * * + +TO NEWS-DEALERS. + +Punchinello's Monthly. + +The Weekly Numbers for June, + +Bound in a Handsome Cover, + +Is now ready. Price Fifty Cents. + + * * * * * + +THE TRADE + +Supplied by the + +AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, + +Who are now prepared to receive Orders. + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +The New Burlesque Serial, + +Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO, + +BY + +ORPHEUS C. KERR, + +Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the year. + +A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, with superb +illustrations of + +1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW +JERSEY. + +2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken as he appears +"Every Saturday," +will also be found in the same number. + + * * * * * + +_Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from this office, +free,) Ten Cents. + +Subscription for One Year, one copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4. + + +Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new serial, which +promises to be the best ever written by ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe +now, to insure its regular receipt weekly. + +We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one who wishes +to see them, in view of subscribing, on the receipt of SIXTY CENTS. + +Address, + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +P. O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau. St., New York. + + * * * * * + +Geo. W. Wheat, Printer, No. 8 Spruce Street. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 15, July 9, +1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, JULY 9, 1870 *** + +***** This file should be named 9797-8.txt or 9797-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/9/7/9/9797/ + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra +Brown and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/9797-8.zip b/9797-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..abebd79 --- /dev/null +++ b/9797-8.zip diff --git a/9797-h.zip b/9797-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fcb1d15 --- /dev/null +++ b/9797-h.zip diff --git a/9797-h/9797-h.htm b/9797-h/9797-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..005a9d9 --- /dev/null +++ b/9797-h/9797-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2186 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> +<title>Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 15, July 9, 1870</title> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> +<style type="text/css"> +<!-- +body {margin:10%; text-align:justify} +img {border: 0;} +blockquote {font-size:14pt} +P {font-size:14pt} +--> +</style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 15, July 9, 1870, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 15, July 9, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Posting Date: October 29, 2011 [EBook #9797] +Release Date: January, 2006 +First Posted: October 18, 2003 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, JULY 9, 1870 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra +Brown and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1>Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 15, July 9, 1870</h1> + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> +<br><br> +<center> + +<img alt="001.jpg (294K)" src="images/001.jpg" height="1150" width="790"> +<br><br><br><br> +<h1> +PUNCHINELLO</h1> + +<h2> +SATURDAY, JULY 9, 1870.</h2> + +<h3>PUBLISHED BY THE</h3> + +<h3>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY.</h3> + +<h3>83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.</h3> +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="002.jpg (262K)" src="images/002.jpg" height="1135" width="779"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> +<br><br> + + + +<h2> +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD</h2> + +<h4>AN ADAPTATION.</h4> + +<h3>BY ORPHEUS C. KERR.</h3> +</center> +<br> + +<p> +CHAPTER IX.</p> + +<p> +BALKS IN A BRUSH.</p> + +<p> +FLORA, having no relations in the world that she knew of, had, ever +since her seventh new bonnet, known no other home than Macassar Female +College, in the Alms-House, and regarded Miss CAROWTHERS as her +mother-in-lore. Her memory of her own mother was of a lady-like person +who had swiftly waisted away in the effort to be always taken for her +own daughter, and was, one day, brought down-stairs, by her husband, in +two pieces, from tight lacing. The sad separation (taking place just +before a party of pleasure), had driven FLORA'S father into a frenzy of +grief for his better halves; which was augmented to brain fever by Mr. +SCHENCK, who, having given a Boreal policy to deceased, felt it his duty +to talk gloomily about wives who sometimes died apart after receiving +unmerited cuts from their husbands, and to suggest a compromise of ten +per cent, upon the amount of the policy, as a much more cheerful +settlement than a coroner's inquest. FLORA'S betrothal had grown out of +the soothing of Mr. POTTS'S last year of mental disorder by Mr. DROOD, +an old partner in the grocery business, who, too, was a widower from his +wife's use of arsenic and lead for her complexion. The two bereaved +friends, after comparing tears and looking mournfully at each other's +tongues, had talked themselves to death over the fluctuations in sugar; +willing their respective children to marry in future for the sake of +keeping up the controversy.</p> + +<p>From the FLOWERPOT'S first arrival at the Alms-House, her new things, +engagement to be married, and stock of chocolate caramels, had won the +deepest affections of her teachers and schoolmates; and, on the morning +after the sectional dispute between EDWIN and MONTGOMERY, when one of +the young ladies had heard of it as a profound secret, no pains were +spared by the whole tender-hearted school to make her believe that +neither of the young men was entirely given up yet by the consulting +physicians. It was whispered, indeed, that a knife or two might have +passed, and two or three guns been exchanged; but she was not to be at +all worried, for persons had been known to get well with the tops of +their heads off.</p> + +<p>At an early hour, however, Miss PENDRAGON had paid a visit to her +brother, in Gospeler's Gulch; and, coming back with the intelligence, +that, while he had been stabbed to the heart, it was chiefly by cruel +insinuations and an umbrella, was enabled to assure Miss CAROWTHERS, in +confidence, that nothing eligible for publication in the New York Sun +had really occurred. Thus, when the legal conqueror of Breachy Mr. +BLODGETT entered that principal recitation-room of the Macassar, +formally known as the Cackleorium, she had no difficulty in explaining +away the panic.</p> + +<p>She said that "Unfounded Rumor, Ladies, is, we all know, a descriptive +phrase applied by the Associated Press to all important foreign news +procured a week or two in advance of its own similar European advices, +by the Press Association[A]. We perceive then, Ladies, (Miss JENKINS +will be good enough to stop scratching her nose while I am talking,) +that Unfounded Rumor sometimes means--hem!--</p> + +<p> 'The Associated Press<br> + In bitter distress.'</p> + +<p>In Bumsteadville, however, it has a signification more like what we +should give it in relation to a statement that Senator SUMNER had +delivered a Latin quotation without a speech selected for it. In this +sense, Ladies, (Miss PARKINSON can scarcely be aware of how much cotton +stocking can be seen when she lolls so,) the Unfounded Rumor concerning +two gentlemen of different political views in this county was not +correct. (Miss BABCOCK will learn four chapters in Chronicles by heart +to-night, for making her handkerchief into a baby,) as proper inquiries +have assured us that no more blood was shed than if the parties to the +strife had been a Canadian and a Fenian. We will, therefore, drop the +subject, and enter at once upon the flowery path of the first lesson in +algebra."</p> + +<p>This explanation destroyed all the interest of a majority of the young +ladies, who had anticipated a horridly delightful duel, at least; but +FLORA was slightly hysterical about it, even late in the afternoon, when +it was announced that her guardian had come to see her.</p> + +<p>Mr. DIBBLE, of Gowanus, had been selected for his trust on account of +his pre-eminent goodness, which, as seems to be invariably the case, was +associated with an absence of personal beauty trenching upon the +scarecrow. Possibly an excess of strong and disproportionate carving in +nose, mouth and chin, accompanied by weak eyes and unexpectedness of +forehead, may tend to make the Evil One but languid in his desire for +the capture of its human exemplar. This may help account for the +otherwise rather curious coincidence of frightful physiognomy and +preternatural goodness in this world of sinful beauties[B]. Under such a +theory, Mr. DIBBLE'S easy means of frightening the Arch-Tempter into +immediate flight, and keeping himself free from all possible incitement +to be anything but good, were a face, head and neck shaped not unlike an +old-fashioned water-pitcher, and a form suggestive of an obese lobster +balancing on an upright horse-shoe. His nose was too high up; his mouth +and chin bulged too tremendously; his neck inside a whole mainsail of +shirt-collar was too much fluted, and his eyes were as much too small +and oyster-like as his ears were too large and horny.</p> + +<p>Mr. DIBBLE found his ward in Miss CAROWTHER'S own private room, from +which even the government mails were generally excluded; and, after +saluting both ladies, and politely desiring the elder to remain present, +in order to be sure that his conversation was strictly moral, the +monstrous old gentleman pulled a memorandum book from his pocket and +addressed himself to FLORA.</p> + +<p>"I am a square man myself, dear kissling," he said, with much double +chin in his manner, "and like to do everything on the square. I am now +'interviewing' you, and shall make notes of your answers, though not +necessarily for publication. First: is your health satisfactory?"</p> + +<p>Miss POTTS admitted that, excepting occasional attacks of insatiable +longing for True Sympathy, chiefly produced by over-eating of pickles +and slate-pencils to avert excessive plumpness, she could generally take +pie twice without experiencing a subsequent reactionary tendency to +piety and gloomy presentiments.</p> + +<p>"Second: is your allowance of pin-money sufficient to keep you in cold +cream, Berlin wool, and other necessaries of life?"</p> + +<p>The FLOWERPOT confessed that she had now and then wished herself able to +buy a church and a velvet dressing-gown, (lined with cherry,) for a +young clergyman with the consumption and side-whiskers; but, under +common circumstances, her allowance was enough to procure all absolutely +requisite Edging without running her into debt, and still leave +sufficient to buy materials for any reasonable altar-cloth.</p> + +<p>"And now, my dear," said Mr. DIBBLE, evidently glad that all the more +important and serious part of the interview was over, "we come to the +subject of your marriage. Mr. EDWIN has seen you here, occasionally, I +suppose, and you may possibly like him well enough to accept him as a +husband, if not as a friend!"</p> + +<p>"He's such a perfectly absurd creature that I can't help liking him," +returned FLORA, gravely; "but I am not certain that my utterly +ridiculous deeper woman's love is entirely satisfied with the shape of +his nose."</p> + +<p>"That'll be mostly hidden by his whiskers, when they grow," observed her +guardian.</p> + +<p>"I hope they'll be bushy, with a frizzle at the ends and a bald place +for his chin," said the young girl, reflectively; then suddenly asked: +"If we <i>shouldn't</i> be married, would either of us have to pay anything?"</p> + +<p>"I should say not," answered Mr. DIBBLE, "unless you sued him for +breach." (Here Miss CAROWTHERS was heard to murmur "BLODGETT," and +hastily took an anti-nervous pill.) "I should say that your respective +parents wished you to marry only in case you should see no other persons +whose noses you liked better. As on this coming Christmas you will be +within a few months of your marriage, I have brought your father's will +with me, with the intention of depositing it in the hands of Mr. EDWIN'S +trustee, Mr. BUMSTEAD--"</p> + +<p>"Oh, leave it with EDDY, if you'll please to be so ridiculously kind," +interrupted FLORA. "Mr. BUMSTEAD would certainly insist upon it that +there were <i>two</i> wills, instead of one: and that would be so absurd."</p> + +<p>"Well, well," assented Mr. DIBBLE, rising to go, "I'm a perfectly square +man, even when I'm looking round, and will do as you wish. As a slight +memento of my really charming visit here, might I humbly petition yonder +lady to remit any little penalty that may happen to be in force just now +against any lovely student of the College for eating preserves in bed, +or writing notes to the Italian music teacher, who is already married, +or anything of that kind?"</p> + +<p>"FLORA," said Miss CAROWTHERS, graciously, "you may tell Miss BABCOCK, +that, in consequence of your guardian's request, she will be excused +from studying her Bible as a punishment."</p> + +<p>After due acknowledgment of this favor, the good Mr. DIBBLE made his +farewell bow, and went forth to the turnpike. Following that high road, +he presently found himself near the side-door of the Ritualistic Church +of Saint Cow's, and, while curiously watching the minor canons who were +carrying in some fireworks to be used in the next day's service, was +confronted by Mr. BUMSTEAD just coming out.</p> + +<p>"Let me see you home," said Mr. BUMSTEAD, hastily holding out an arm. +"I'll tell the family it's only vertigo."</p> + +<p>"Why, nothing is the matter with me," pleaded Mr. DIBBLE. "I've only +been having a talk with my ward."</p> + +<p>"I'll bet cloves for two that she didn't say she preferred me to NED," +insinuated Mr. BUMSTEAD, breathing audibly through his nose.</p> + +<p>"Then you'll not lose," was the answer; "for she did not tell me whom +she preferred to the one she wishes to marry. They never do; and +sometimes it is only discovered in Indiana. You and I surrender our +respective guardianships on Christmas, Mr. BUMSTEAD; until when +good-bye; and be early marriage their lot!"</p> + +<p>"Be early Divorce their lot!" said BUMSTEAD, thrusting his book of +organ-music so far under his coat-flap that it stuck out at the back +like a curvature of the spine.</p> + +<p>"I said marriage," cried Mr. DIBBLE, looking back.</p> + +<p>"I said Divorce," retorted Mr. BUMSTEAD, thoughtfully eating a clove, +"Don't one generally involve the other?"</p> + +<p> +[Footnote A: Oh, see here now, this is really too bad! The manner in +which the great American Adapter is all the time making totally +unexpected and vicious passes at the finest old cherished institutions +of the age is simply frightful. PUNCHINELLO should prevent it?--Well, +PUNCHINELLO <i>did</i> remonstrate at an early stage of the Adaptation; and +the result was, that all the finest feelings of his nature were outraged +by an ensuing Chapter, in which was introduced a pauper burial-ground +swarming with deceased proprietors of American <i>Punches!</i>--EDS. +PUNCHINELLO.]</p> + +<p>[Footnote B: The whole idea is nothing less than atrocious; and, in our +judgment, the Adapter's actual purpose in putting it forth is to make +his own superlative goodness seem proved by a logical conclusion.--EDS. +PUNCHINELLO.]</p> + +<br><br> + +<p> +CHAPTER X.</p> + +<p> +OILING THE WHEELS.</p> + +<p> +No husband who has ever properly studied his mother-in-law can fail to +be aware that woman's perception of heartless villainy and evidences of +intoxication in man is often of that curiously fine order of vision +which rather exceeds the best efforts of ordinary microscopes, and +subjects the average human mind to considerable astonishment. The +perfect ease with which she can detect murderous proclivities, Mormon +instincts, and addiction to maddening liquors, in a daughter's +husband--who, to the most searching inspection of everybody else, +appears the watery, hen-pecked, and generally intimidated young man of +his age--is one of those common illustrations of the infallible +acuteness of feminine judgment which are doing more and more, every day, +to establish the positive necessity of woman's superior insight, and +natural dispassionate fairness of mind, for the future wisest exercise +of the elective franchise and most just administration of the highest +judicial office. It may be said that the mother-in-law is the highest +development of the supernaturally perceptive and positive woman, since +she usually has superior opportunities to study man in all the stages +from marriage to madness; but with her whole sex, particularly after +certain sour turns in life, inheres an alertness of observation as to +the incredible viciousness of masculine character, which nothing less +than a bit of flattery or a happily equivocal reflection upon some rival +sister can either divert or mislead for a moment.</p> + +<p>"Now don't you really think, OLDY," said Gospeler SIMPSON to his mother, +as he sat watching her fabrication of an immense stocking for the poor, +"that Hopeless Inebriate and Midnight Assassin are a rather too severe +characterization of my pupil, Mr. MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON?"</p> + +<p>"No, I do not, OCTAVE," replied the excellent old nut-cracker of a lady, +who was making the charity stocking as nearly in the shape of a hatchet +as possible. "When a young man of rebel sentiments spends all his nights +in drinking lemon teas, and trying to spoil other young men's clothes in +throwing such teas at them, and is only to be put down by umbrellas, and +comes to his homes with cloves in his clenched fists, and has headaches +on the following days, he's on his way either to political office or the +gallows."</p> + +<p>"But he hasn't done so at all with s's to it," exclaimed the Reverend +OCTAVIUS, exasperated by so many plurals. "He did it but once, and then +he was strongly provoked. EDWIN mentioned the sharpness of his sister's +nose to him, and reflected casually upon the late well-known Southern +Confederacy."</p> + +<p>"Don't tell me!" reasoned the fine old lady, holding up the stocking by +its handle to see how much longer it must be to reach the wearer's +waist. "I'm afraid you're a copperhead, OCTAVE."</p> + +<p>"How you do cackle, OLDY!" said her son, who was very proud of her when +she kept still. "You can't see anything good in MONTGOMERY, because, +after the first seven or eight breakfasts with us, he said he was afraid +that so many fishballs would make his head swim."</p> + +<p>"My child," returned the old lady, thrusting an arm so far into the +charity stocking that she seemed to have the wrong kind of blue worsted +limb growing from one of her shoulders, "I have judged this dissipated +young man exactly as though he were my own son-in-law, and know that he +possesses an incendiary disposition. After the fireworks at Saint Cow's +Church, on Saint VITUS'S Day, that devoted Ritualistic Christian, Mr. +BUMSTEAD, came up to me in the porch, with his eyes nearly closed, on +account of the solemnity of the occasion, and began feeling around my +neck with both his hands. When I asked him to explain, he said that he +wanted to see whether my throat was cut yet, as he had heard that we +kept a Southern murderer at home. He was still very pale at what had +taken place in his room over night, when he finally said 'Good-day, +ladies,' to me.</p> + +<p>"MONTGOMERY is certainly attached to me, at any rate," murmured the +Gospeler, reflectively, "and has made no attempt upon my life."</p> + +<p>"That's because his sister restrains him," asserted the mother, with a +fond look. "I overheard her telling him, when she was at dinner here one +day, that you might be taken for a Southerner, if you only wore +dress-coat all the time and were heavily mortgaged. Withdraw her +influence, and the desperate young man would tar and feather us all in +our beds some night."</p> + +<p>Falling silent after this unanswerable proof of Mr. PENDRAGON'S guilt, +Mr. SIMPSON mused upon as much of the dear old nutcracker as was not +hidden by the vast charity stocking. In her ruffled cap, false front, +and spectacles, she was so exactly the figure one might picture Mr. JOHN +STUART MILL to be, after reading his latest literary knitting on the +Revolting Injustice of Masculine Society, that the Gospeler of Saint +Cow's could not help feeling how perfectly useless it was to expect her +to think herself capable of error.</p> + +<p>As, whenever the Reverend OCTAVIUS gave indication of a capacity for +speechless thoughtfulness, his benignant mother at once concluded that +he needed an anti-bilious pill, she now made all haste to the cupboard +to procure that imitation-vegetable and a glass of water. It was the +neatest, best-stored Ritualistic cupboard in Bumsteadville. Above it +hung a portrait of the Pope, from which the grand old Apostolic son of +an infallible dogma looked knowingly down, as though with the contents +of that cupboard he could get-up such a <i>schema</i> as would be palatable +to the most skeptical Bishop in all the Oecumenical Council, and of +which be might justly say: Whosoever dare think that he ever tasted a +better <i>schema</i>, or ever dreamed in his deepest consciousness that a +better could be made, let him be anathema maranatha! A most rakish +looking wooden button, noiselessly stealthly and sly, gave entrance to +this treasury of dainties; and then what a rare array of disintegrated +meals intoxicated the vision! There was the Athlete of the Dairy, +commonly called Fresh Butter, in his gay yellow jacket, looking wore to +the knife. There was turgid old Brown Sugar, who had evidently heard the +advice, go to the ant, thou sluggard! and, and mistaking the last word +for Sugared, was going as deliberately as possible. There was the +vivacious Cheese, in the hour of its mite, clad in deep, creamy, golden +hue, with delicate traceries of mould, like fairy cobwebs. The Smoked +Beef, and Doughnuts, as being more sober and unemotional features of the +pageant, appeared on either side the remains of a Cold Chicken, as +rendering pathetic tribute to hoary age; while sturdy, reliable Hash and +Fishballs reposed right and left in their mottled and rich brown coats, +with a kind of complacent consciousness of having been created according +to Mrs. GLASS'S standard dictum, First catch your Hair.</p> + +<p>Gospeler SIMPSON, by natural law, alternated from this wonderful +cupboard, very regularly, to another, or sister cupboard, also presided +over by the good old maternal nut-cracker, wherein the energetic pill +lived in its little pasteboard house next door to the crystal palace of +smooth, insinuating castor oil; and passionate fiery essence of +peppermint grew hot with indignation at the proximity of plebeian +rhubarb and squills. In the present case he quietly took his +anti-bilious globule: which, besides being a step in the direction of +removing a pimple from his chin, was also intended as a kind of medical +preparation for his coming services in the Ritualistic Church, where, at +a certain part of the ceremonies, he was to stand on his head before the +Banner of St. Alban and balance Roman candles on his uplifted feet. When +the day had nearly passed, and the Vesper hour for those services +arrived, he performed them with all the less rush of blood to the head +for being thus prepared; yet there was still a slight sensation of +congestion, and, to get rid of this, when he stepped forth from Saint +Cow's in the twilight, it was to take an evening stroll along the shore +of Bumsteadville pond.</p> + +<p>(<i>To be Continued</i>.)</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>CONDENSED CONGRESS.</h2> + +<h3> +SENATE.</h3> + +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<img alt="003.jpg (77K)" src="images/003.jpg" height="585" width="388"> +</td><td> +<p>Down again came the furious FRANK. But not the fiery Hun. Mr. STOCKTON +was Frank. He said he represented New Jersey. (Enthusiastic Groans.) The +constituents of New Jersey were a peculiar people. Such was their +depravity that they said they would rather have fifty per cent taken off +their taxes than to receive the speeches of their representatives in +Congress free of charge. Under these circumstances they looked upon the +franking privilege, he regretted to say, as a swindle, and remonstrated +with him, with tears in their expressive and fish-like eyes, against +being hidden by a shower of public documents. The Congressional Globe +made a very inferior article of lamp-lighters, and the proud pigs of New +Jersey declined to fatten upon the Patent Office reports.</p> + +<p>Mr. TIPTON was in favor of the franking privilege. What good would it do +anybody if Congressmen drew postage-stamps in lieu of writing their +names. As for him, he found it much easier to draw postage-stamps than +to write his name, and he was sure that none of them were so lost to a +sense of their own dignity as to pay their own postages, like ordinary +human beings.</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> +<br> +<p>Mr. STEWART said certainly not. The only thing was that there would be +an account kept of the number of postage-stamps they drew, but nobody +knew how often a man used his frank. He himself had been censured for +franking a few tons of pig-iron from Washington to Nevada. But no amount +of postage-stamps would have carried it.</p> + +<p>Mr. DRAKE referred to the darkest hour of the late war, when +postage-stamps were current, and when, if the proposed changes were +effected, they could have made the Post-Office department pay for their +drinks. But in the present state of the South, when the Ku-Klux Klan, in +spite of his most earnest endeavors, refused to kill anybody, he saw no +hope that those golden hours would return. Therefore he thought it best +to cleave to his frank.</p> + +<h3> +HOUSE.</h3> + +<p>Mr. LOGAN desired to expel WHITTEMORE permanently. WHITTEMORE had really +gone too far, and if they let him in people would consider that they +were no better, and institute investigations of a disagreeable nature +into the conduct of Congress generally. Of course the House had a right +to expel him. It had a right to expel everybody but himself.</p> + +<p>Mr. ELDRIDGE said that directly Mr. LOGAN would be claiming that he--Mr. +ELDRIDGE--ought to be expelled. This would be unpleasant to him. He +would not die in spring-time.</p> + +<p>MR. BUTLER said, in default of getting San Domingo annexed, he would +like to get the patent of a friend of his in Massachusetts extended.</p> + +<p>Mr. FARNSWORTH objected, upon the ground that Mr. BUTLER had received +shekels from the patentee.</p> + +<p>Mr. BUTLER said, if he had, he hadn't so much hair on his face as +FARNSWORTH.</p> + +<p>The Comic Speaker performed a solo on the gavel, and said it was none of +FARNSWORTH'S business anyhow.</p> + +<p>Mr. FARNSWORTH said Mr. BUTLER had got $2,000, and hadn't earned it.</p> + +<p>Mr. BUTLER said Mr. FARNSWORTH was a coward and an assassin.</p> + +<p>The Comic Speaker said he rather thought FARNSWORTH was a coward, but +assassin was unparliamentary.</p> + +<p>Mr. FARNSWORTH said the evidence showed that BUTLER was on one side +before he got a fee, and on the other afterwards.</p> + +<p>Mr. BUTLER said there was nothing green in his eye. As for FARNSWORTH, +nobody would ever pay him $2000 for anything.</p> + +<p>The Comic Speaker said that all Mr. FARNSWORTH'S remarks were perfectly +shocking. As for Mr. BUTLER, his conduct was admirable.</p> + +<p>Mr. SCHENCK saw that the interest was absorbed by FARNSWORTH and BUTLER, +and tried to divert it by getting up a little shindy with LOGAN. He said +LOGAN wanted everything done in LOGAN'S way, when notoriously everything +ought to be done in SCHENCK'S way.</p> + +<p>Mr. LOGAN said SCHENCK had led the House by the nose for four weeks. Now +he proposed to lead it for a few days himself--by the ear.</p> + +<p>The Comic Speaker said he liked to see this. It made things lively for +the boys. He hoped SCHENCK and LOGAN would keep on. But they didn't; and</p> + +<p>Mr. DAWES said he had charged some time ago that the expenses of the +Government had increased. He wished to take that back. It seemed there +had been an error in the accounts. The Government had made a mistake +against itself of seventy-six millions, and another in favor of itself +of seventy-seven millions. Both added together made more than a hundred +and fifty millions, which would reduce the expenses below those of the +traitor, murderer, viper, and unpleasant person known as ANDREW JOHNSON.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>CURRENT FABLES.</h2> + +<h3>THE BULLS AND THE BEAVERS.</h3> + +<p> +The Lion claimed dominion over all the beasts wherever they were found, +but some of them were rebellious. Among the malcontents were the Bulls, +part of whom inhabited a pasture so rich that it was called the Green +Isle, while others lived in a charming country with "the best government +the world ever saw," owned and occupied by the Eagles. Adjoining the +latter was a colony of quiet and inoffensive Beavers. The Bulls, angry +at the Beavers for their humble submission to the rule of the remote +Lion, resolved to make war upon them. Accordingly, those Bulls who lived +in the Land of the Eagles proceeded to invade the colony, intending to +dispossess the Beavers and form a government of their own. But the +Eagles had a reasonable degree of respect for the Lion, not so much on +account of his individual strength, which was comparatively trivial, but +because he was the ruler of all manner of beasts. So their leader, after +making the second memorable speech of his life, in which he said "The +Eagles is at peace with the Lion," despatched a little Eaglet to arrest +the progress of the Bulls. This messenger, flying to the edge of the +Beaver's colony, caught and confined in a prison the leader of the +Bulls, who, as he was being conducted to jail, cried out, "Verily it is +not the strength of the individual, but the number of his supporters, +which is the measure of his power."</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>THERMOMETRICAL.</h2> + +<p>In the present torrid state of the weather, can the Oriental +craftsmanship lately introduced here be properly termed Coolie labor?</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>THEATRICAL NOTE.</h2> + +<p>The OATES troupe now performing at the Olympic Theatre must not be +confounded with the Horse Opera.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.</h2> + +<p>It occurs in PUNCHINELLO, at this late day, to remark that the friends +of America in England, even in the darkest hours of the rebellion, were +ever disposed to look on the BRIGHT side.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>POETRY VERSUS PROSE.</h2> + +<p>A traveller, who has lately been shipwrecked on the ocean, has a notion +that there is precious little poetry in being Rocked in the cradle of +the deep.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>THE ONLY GERMAN POET RECOGNIZED IN WALL STREET.</h2> + +<p>KÖRNER.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>FUN AND FIN.</h2> + +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> +<img alt="004.jpg (85K)" src="images/004.jpg" height="604" width="400"> +</td><td> +<p>Since President GRANT's famous trouting excursion to Pennsylvania, +piscatorial pastimes appear to have become quite the thing among the +magnates of the Government. The following item from Washington, cut from +a morning paper, reads very like a bit of gossip from the history of the +Court of CHARLES II:</p> + +<p>"General SPINNER and some of his female Treasury clerks went to the +Great Falls to-day to catch black bass."</p> + + + +<p>Redolent of all that is rural and sweet, is the idea of SPINNER, +surrounded by a bevy of his "female Treasury clerks," reclining upon a +shady rock just over the Great Falls. We behold SPINNER, with our mind's +eye, "fixing" a bait for one of the lovely young fisherwomen, while half +a dozen of the others are engaged in fanning him and "Shoo-ing" the +flies away from his expressive nose. The picture is a very pretty one, +recalling to mind some brilliant pastoral by WATTEAU. There are numerous +accessories arranged in the foreground, such as hampers of cold chicken +pie, hams of the richest pink and yellow hues, and baskets of champagne, +and it would be interesting to know who pays for all. "Spinning a +minnow," as the anglers term it, for black bass, is a very appropriate +pastime for SPINNER, but, for a fresh-water fisherman, there is +something very Salt Lakey in that arrangement regarding the "female +Treasury clerks."</p> +</td></tr> +</table> +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>"LOT" ON A LOT OF PROVERBS.</h2> + +<p>DEAR PUNCHINELLO: One of my friends, who, much to the disgust of his +fellow boarders, is constantly playing an adagio movement in B flat upon +a flute, (that may not be the correct musical term, but no one will ever +know it unless you tell,) informs me that you are astute; another +friend, who makes cigar stumps into chewing tobacco, says, you're "up to +snuff." Assuming the truth of those statements, I apply to you for +information. You have the ability, have you also the inclination, to aid +a poor, weary mariner on the voyage of life, (in the steerage,) who has +been buffeted by reason, tempest-tossed by imagination, becalmed by +fancy, wrecked by stupidity, (other people's,) and is now whirling +helplessly in the Maelstrom of conundrums? (If that doesn't touch your +heart, then has language failed to accomplish the end for which it was +designed--to deceive others.)</p> + +<p>I'm the great American searcher after truth, and, though I've been at +the bottom of every well, except the Artesian ones, I am still a +searcher. Can you refuse to throw a straw to a drowning man, or a crumb +to a starving fellow-creature? Knowing that you have a mammoth heart, +and abundance of straw, and lots of bread, I feel that you cannot. List! +oh, list! and I will my caudal appendage unfold.</p> + +<p>Is enough as good as a feast, if the former is enough of walloping and +the latter is composed of pheasant and champagne? (i.e.: Is real pain as +good as champagne?) TOM ALLEN evidently got enough in his late fight, +but I'm inclined to think that he would rather strain his jaws at a +feast than at a fisticuff. The Young Democracy once got enough staying +out in the cold, but, when some of them were admitted to the feast, they +did not appear to be at all satisfied, but grabbed at the choicest +titbits.</p> + +<p>Is one bird in the hand worth two in the bush, if the one in the hand is +the Police Board, and those in the bush are the Supervisorship and the +Health Board? And suppose you've succeeded in getting your fingers on +those in the bush, wouldn't you try to make a haul? Why, I can imagine a +man who might have the Governor's place in hand, and yet consider one +bird in the bush better, if that bird could sing an old tune called +White House.</p> + +<p>How can it be possible that this world is all a fleeting show? I've +visited a great many shows, and have found that all of them are +conducted on the same principle. You pay your money at the door, sit +undisturbed through the performance, unless some junk-man should take to +junketing, and get out easily, the proprietor in fact seeming rather +glad to get rid of you. But when you enter the world, you pay nothing, +on your way through it you pay constantly, and getting out of it--at the +present prices of coffins and bombazines--is one of the most expensive +things on record.</p> + +<p>Why mustn't you look a gift horse in the mouth, if you are prudent +enough to do it on the sly? Besides, don't everybody look in the horse's +mouth, as soon as the giver has departed? Suppose you're patriotic, and +offer your son to Uncle SAM as a gift, to use in his civil service, +isn't Mr. JENCKES's bill designed as a means of looking into your son's +mouth? Maybe it's to find out if he's a public cribber. What I want to +know is, does this prohibition apply to donkeys?</p> + +<p>What possible connection can there be between doing handsome and being +handsome? Now there's BROWN, who persuaded me, on or about black Friday, +to buy his gold at the highest figures, and thus did a very handsome +thing (for himself), but he is still the ugliest looking man in our +street.</p> + +<p>If it be true, as stated in "The Gates Ajar," that there will be pianos +in heaven, haven't the men who learned harp-making, on the theory that +it was a permanent business, been grossly deceived, and haven't they an +action for damages against somebody, if they can find out who it is?</p> + +<p>If all the world's a stage, what are cars? I admit that all Broadway is +a stage, but is it at all probable that GOV. HOFFMAN vetoed the Arcade +railroad bill on that account? Besides, if all the world's a stage, why +should the men who carry passengers care about the duty on steel rails?</p> + +<p>Is it true that a man must not laugh at his own jokes? Don't you suppose +that the man who invented the <i>canard</i> about the Jews in Roumania is +laughing at the squabble which he has raised between the Associated +Press and the American Press Association, by means of his little joke? +And don't you suppose, when the returns of the last election came in, +that Mr. TWEED laughed very vigorously at his little joke, called the +new election law? If Congress should keep on joking for the rest of the +session, and, as a result, the Republican party should be turned out of +power, don't you suppose that the members will laugh--on the other side +of their mouths?</p> + +<p>There is a certain saying, which everybody retails, about the kind of +people who tell the truth. Now I always tell the truth. I'm exactly like +GEORGE WASHINGTON. If I had cut down the cherry tree, and my stern +parent had appeared upon the scene with a rawhide and asked me who did +it, I should have instantly replied, the hatchet. But I am not a child. +Can it be that I am the other thing?</p> + +<p>Now, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, can you do those sums? I have tried them in every +possible way. I have let X equal the unknown quantity, but I don't know +Y. If you can solve the problems, will you send me the answers by the +first post?</p> + +<p>Yours,</p> + +<p>LOT.</p> + +<p>[Our correspondent seems to labor under the impression that we are a +primary arithmetic, or a dictionary, or a conundrum book. We regret his +mistake, and can simply say that we are nothing of the sort. Any +reasonable conundrums, such as, How old is the world? How many +individuals is Mrs. BRIGHAM YOUNG? What becomes of the Fenian money? +When will Cuba be free? we would willingly answer, but our correspondent +cannot expect us to solve problems which are as old as BARNUM said JOYCE +HETH was. He should be able to see such things as others see them. They +are the unwritten law, and PUNCHINELLO does not propose to alter them.]</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>CONCERNING THE METHODIST BOOK CONCERN.</h2> +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<p> 'Tis well enough that GOODENOUGH<br> + Dr. LANAHAN should teach,<br> + That, sure enough, there's law enough<br> + Such slanderers to reach.</p> +<br> +<p> But, like enough, this GOODENOUGH<br> + Dr. LANAHAN may impeach,<br> + And prove enough that's bad enough + To justify his speech.</p> +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>UNKIND.</h2> + +<p>TOODLES made a solemn vow the other day, in presence of MUGGINS, that he +"would never shave until he had paid off his debts," but MUGGINS, in +relating the fact, said simply that "TOODLES had concluded to wear a +full beard the rest of his life."</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>THE POEMS OF THE CRADLE.</h2> + +<h3>Old Mother Hubbard</h3> + +<p>GENTLE READER: You have a soul for poetry. Even when an infant, and in +your cradle, you had a soul for poetry. You were not aware of it at this +early stage, but your mother--if you had one--was. With what fond +alacrity did she hasten to your cradle-side, when some wicked little pin +was trying to insinuate itself into your affections much against your +inclination, and soothe you with the pleasing strains of Mother Goose. +And how your eyes brightened and your little feet and hands commenced +playing tag, when you heard the wonders of Mother Goose extolled in +pretty verse. Ah! those were the days of romance. I will leave them now, +to search for the hidden beauties of one of your childhood's melodies, +the eventful career of Mother HUBBARD and her dog.</p> + +<p>I will begin with the opening Canto of the poem, and limit myself, for +the present, with detailing the beauties of its many incidents.</p> + + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + +<h3>CANTO I.</h3> + +<p> Old Mother Hubbard<br> + Went to the Cupboard<br> + To get her poor dog a bone;<br> + When she got there<br> + The Cupboard wan bare.<br> + And so the poor dog had none!</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + + +<p>Now, Kind Reader, follow closely whilst I display the hidden beauties of +Canto First. You will notice that the author, who now sleeps with the +unnumbered dead--a presumption on my part--has no dedication, no +introduction, no preface. He scorned a dedication, that misnomer for +gratuitous advertising. He wanted no patron, no Lord or Count somebody +or other, who might, perhaps, insure the sale of one more copy. No. He +determined to paddle his own canoe. And he did, you bet.--He wrote no +preface. What was it to the public how many ancient authors he had +ransacked to obtain ideas for his poem? What was it to the public how +many noble minds he had associated with him to help him in his laborious +work? What would the public care about his intentions to have his book +in such a form, to appear at such a date, or to be sold for such a +price? What would be the use of apologizing to the public for his many +weak points, when he thought that he knew more than they? On the +contrary, he very naturally determined that if his Poem, wasn't +readable, it would not be read, and a Preface of ignorance would make +the matter no better.--He kept clear of the folly of an Introduction-a +something which a writer gets up just to keep his hand in, perhaps, or +to tell the reader that <i>he</i> knows all about it!--The empty dishes on +the banquet-board: no one cares for them.</p> + +<p>Our felicitous Author, throwing aside all these traditional +idiosyncrasies, launches boldly into the billowy sea of his +idea-scattered brain[A], and in his very first line gives a full, +concise description of the heroine, Mrs. HUBBARD; and having finished +her description, enumerates, as was meet, the peculiarities, and, I +might say, dogmatic tendencies, of the hero of the tail, Herr Dog! [He +(not H.D., but the Author) says "Old Mother HUBBARD."] Here is +simplicity for you! Here is brevity! "Old Mother HUBBARD!" How sweetly +it sounds; how nicely the words fit each other! What an immense range of +thought he must have who first said "Old Mother HUBBARD." Less gifted +authors of the present would rejoice exceedingly, could they do +likewise. Ah!--and a spark of enthusiasm lightens up your countenance, +[Highfalutin,]--they have no HUBBARD. And if they had they would +commence with a minute detail of how old she was, how venerable she was, +what kind of a mother she was, whose mother she was, and all about her +aunt's family.</p> + +<p>Alas! for the fallen state of our Literature, which tells you +everything, and leaves you nothing to guess at, lest you might not guess +correctly. Well, as I previously observed, the author says "Old Mother +HUBBARD." He must have been correct. You know how it is yourself.</p> + +<p>This felicitous writer then proceeds, and in the next line gives vent to +his pent-up feelings thusly: "Went to the Cupboard." "Went!" What a +happy expression! How appropriate! Besides, it supplies a deficiency +which would have occurred had it been left out. "Went!" There's Saxon +for you. Our happy author, overburdened by his transcendent imagination, +has not the evil propensity of thrusting upon his reader the mode of how +she went; but, noble and manly as he was, he leaves it to you and to me +how she went!</p> + +<p>Here is a vast range for your imagination. Give your fancy wings. One +may think she waddled; another that she rambled. One may say she +preambulated; another that she pedalated.[B] One may remark that she +crutchalated; [C] but all must concede that she "went". Now whither did +she "went"? Ah! methinks your brain is puzzled. Why, she "went to the +Cupboard," says our author, who, perhaps, just then took a ten-cent nip. +She did not go around it, or about it, or upon it, or under it. She did +not let it come to her, but she went herself to the above-mentioned and +fore-named Cupboard.</p> + +<p>Now, when a woman undertakes to do a thing, she has always a reason for +her undertaking; argoul, as my friend, the grave-digger, said, the +heroine of this Epic must have had an object in view. Otherwise, what +would take her to the Cupboard? She was evidently a strong-minded woman, +and would not fritter away her valuable time for nothing. To the +Cupboard she went "to get her poor dog a bone," says the author, +following out the logical sequence of the plot. The hero of the tail was +not in the Cupboard. Of course not. The "bone" was there. Ah! but <i>was</i> +the bone there? The sequel will show.</p> + +<p>Just imagine the mild complacency, the unutterable sympathy, the +affectionate lovingness of the heroine for her hero! And with what +gentle expression she speaks of him--"her poor dog." Verily, must there +have been an abyss of kindly feeling in that Old Dame's large heart for +her poor dog!</p> + +<p>But alas! for human care and anxiety. Away ye smiles and hopes.</p> + +<p> "L'homme propose, mais Dieu dispose."[D]</p> + +<p>In other words, when she got there, to the Cupboard, and peered into its +dark recesses, and searched the hidden corners of its many shelves, "the +Cupboard was bare."</p> + +<p>Alack-a-day for Mr. D.! When he saw his kind mistress toddling along to +the receptacle of many a remnant of many a luxurious feast, he was, +perchance, filled with affection. Melting tears came to his eyes, and +poured, like a cataract, down his noble cheeks. Would it do to have his +loving mistress witness the outburst of his long pent-up feelings? Alas! +No. He must hide his tears. He tore his tail from the wag which was +about to seize it, and gently wiped away his tears! Poor fellow! Your +heart warms towards him, and you stretch out your hands to embrace him, +or to kiss him for his mother, perhaps. How must the author have felt? +If there was one grain of compassion in him, he would feel as I do, as +you do, as we all do, and trust that the loving affection of that poor +dog would be amply repaid by the promised "bone."</p> + +<p>The decrees of Fate are inexorable, however. When she went to the +Cupboard, the Cupboard was bare; had not even one bare bone, and so that +poor heroic dog "had none." [Very long O.] I pity him truly, and fain +would shed tears of grief over his melancholy affliction, if I wasn't so +awfully warm. For was never dog so disappointed as this dog. "Nev-a-r-e, +by all-l-l that's h-h-holy-y-y-e-e."[E]</p> + +<p>Not wishing to be an unwilling witness to the sad scene which was +enacted between these two loving creatures on the disappointment of +their fondest hopes, I will draw the curtain, and leave them, solitary +and alone--alone with themselves, and with no aching eye to witness +their grief, to give vent to their heart-bursting anguish.</p> + +<p>The author did wisely and well to close the Canto.</p> + +<p>Let us have--a rest!</p> + +<p>[Footnote A: Original. By GUM.]</p> + +<p>[Footnote B: Copyright for sale for all the States.]</p> + +<p>[Footnote C: Ditto.]</p> + +<p>[Footnote D: This is French--H. D.]</p> + +<p>[Footnote E: Quotation from XII T.]</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>STANDARD LITERATURE.</h2> + +<p>A writer in the <i>Standard</i>, thinking that the title Society for the +Prevention of Cruelty to Animals is clumsy on account of its length, +proposes that it be changed to Animalthropic Society. It is not likely +that Mr. BERGH, who has some reputation for scholarship, will adopt a +suggestion in which a bit of Greek is brought in "wrong end foremost," +unless, indeed, his well-known partiality for the canine creature might +induce him to look with favor upon a compound so manifestly of the "dog +Greek" description.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>QUERY</h2> + +<p>Might not the child's new-fangled humming-top, which is advertised to +dance sixty seconds, be said to dance a minuet?</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>CHEERFUL FOR SHOEMAKERS.</h2> + +<p>WESTON'S great Feat.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<center> +<img alt="005.jpg (247K)" src="images/005.jpg" height="675" width="955"> +</center> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>DESULTORY HINTS AND MAXIMS FOR ANGLERS.</h2> + +<p>When you see "excellent trouting in a romantic mountain district" +advertised in the papers, go somewhere else.</p> + +<p>On arriving where you have reason to believe trout exist, inquire of +some rural angler which are the best brooks, and fish exclusively in +those he runs down.</p> + +<p>In making a cast, throw your line as far as you can. The biggest fish +are usually obtained from the long Reaches.</p> + +<p>Never angle under a blistering sun, nor with Spanish flies.</p> + +<p>Keep as far as possible from the brook. If the trout see you they will +connect you with the rod, in which case you will find it difficult to +connect them with the line.</p> + +<p>Many anglers fish up stream, but the surest way to secure a mess of +trout is with the Current.</p> + +<p>Take some agreeable stimulant with you to the water-side. You will find +it a great assistance when Reeling in.</p> + +<p>One of the best places for obtaining the speckled prey is under a +Waterfall--but you needn't mention this fact to the ladies.</p> + +<p>When a brook divides among the trees, angle in the main stream, not in +the Branches.</p> + +<p>In playing a trout under the willows, be very careful, or you may get +Worsted among the Osiers.</p> + +<p>When you land a two-pound trout (which you never will,) double the +weight, else what's the use of having a Multiplier.</p> + +<p>If you wish to take anything heavy you must walk right into the water. +The regular Sneezers are generally caught in this way.</p> + +<p>The experienced angler goes forth expecting nothing, and is rarely +disappointed.</p> + +<p>Superstitious Piscators have great faith in the Heavenly Signs, but +often fail to find a Sign of a Fish under the fishiest sign of the +Zodiac.</p> + +<p>Avoid water-courses infested with saw-mills. These dammed streams seldom +contain many trout.</p> + +<p>To jerk a fish out of the water with a wire is even more despicable than +political wire-pulling.</p> + +<p>A rod should never consist of more than three sections, and the angler +should look well to his joints after a wetting, as they are apt to swell +and stiffen in the Sockets.</p> + +<p>Rise early if you would have good sport. Should you feel sleepy +afterwards, the river has a Bed that you can easily get into.</p> + +<p>Catching trout is strictly a summery pleasure, and when indulged in at +any other season should be visited by Summary punishment.</p> + +<p>There are numerous treatises on angling, but in "JOHN BROWN'S Tract" the +youthful Piscator will find the best of Guides.</p> + +<p>It often happens that trout do not begin to bite till late in the day, +in which case it is advisable to make the most of the <i>commencement de +la Fin.</i></p> + +<p>As the culture of fish is now engaging the attention of philanthropists, +it is probable that the superior varieties will hereafter be found in +Schools, where, of course, the Rod will be more profitably employed than +in Whipping (under present circumstances,) "the complaining brooks that +keep the meadows green."</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<h2>LOVE IN A BOARDING-HOUSE.</h2> +<br> +<p> Miss SARAH SAGOE'S boarding-house--I recommend her steaks;<br> + Two plates of pudding she allows, and--oh! what buckwheat cakes!<br> + We're all so very fond of them, (we deprecate the grease,)<br> + But we'd a greater fondness for Miss SARAH SAGOE'S niece.</p> +<br> +<p> In heavenly blue her eyes surpassed--the milk; "her teeth were pearl."<br> + That's BROWN! Poetic genius, BROWN, (devoted to that girl.)<br> + JOE TROTT to flowers took; SAWTELL, and PETERS to croquet;<br> + GREEN thrumbed guitar; while as for me, I sighed and pined away.</p> +<br> +<p> Not one but lost his appetite--at no less price for board.<br> + Meanwhile this heartless ARABELLE, by all of us adored,<br> + Gives out that she's to marry a rich broker from New York;<br> + We heard the news at dinner--down dropped each knife and fork.</p> +<br> +<p> We're glad our eyes are open now, though every one's a dupe,<br> + 'Tis queer we didn't see before how she dipped up the soup;<br> + And, now I think it over, I wonder man could wish<br> + To win that hand unmerciful that so harpooned the fish.</p> +<br> +<p> "That vulgar girl," as JOE TROTT says, "a helpmeet fine will make"--<br> + She never failed to help herself most handsomely to steak;<br> + The pudding holds out better now that she is gone away--<br> + And it's consolation precious that I've not her board to pay.</p> + + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="006.jpg (246K)" src="images/006.jpg" height="1018" width="712"> +</center> + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.</h2> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<img alt="007.jpg (96K)" src="images/007.jpg" height="607" width="396"> + +</td><td> + +</td><td> + +<p>Manager DALY found <i>Frou Frou</i> so popular, that he has given us a second +dose of M. SARDOU'S Dramatic Mixture, three times stronger than the +first, and warranted to restore the moral tone of all repentant Pretty +Waiter Girls. The label borne by the new Mixture is "<i>Fernande</i>," but as +"CLOTILDE," and not "FERNANDE," is the principal ingredient, the name is +obviously ill-selected. Though the materials were imported from the +celebrated Parisian laboratory of M. SARDOU, the Mixture in its present +form was prepared "<i>in vacuo</i>" by two dramatic chemists of this city, +and ought properly to bear their name. As compared with <i>Frou Frou</i>, it +is much more palatable, and far more powerful, and there is no reason to +suppose that it contains anything deleterious to the moral health of the +play-goer. An analysis made by order of PUNCHINELLO shows that it +consists of the following materials, combined in the following +proportions:</p> +</td></tr> +</table> +<p>ACT I.--<i>Scene, a Gambling-House. Enter</i> M. POMMEROL, <i>a benevolent +lawyer.</i></p> + +<p>POMMEROL. "I am a lawyer with an enormous practice. Having nothing +whatever to do, I came here to find FERNANDE, the pretty waiter girl. +Here comes my cousin CLOTILDE. She is an angel of virtue and the +mistress of my friend ANDRE. What can she want here?"</p> + +<p>CLOTILDE. "My carriage has just run over a young girl, who lives here. +As the horses trampled upon her for some time, I came to see if she had +sustained any inconvenience."</p> + +<p>POMMEROL. "CLOTILDE, this girl is named FERNANDE. She is as bad as she +can well be, therefore I implore you to take her home with you and adopt +her. Will you do it?"</p> + +<p>CLOTILDE. "Of course I will. Who could refuse such a trifling request! +But look, here come the people of the house."</p> + +<p><i>Enter various gamblers and disreputable women, who conduct themselves +with appropriate freedom from the restraints of conventionality.</i> +FERNANDE, <i>who is too lachrymose to be a cheerful feature, is wisely +placed on guard at the outer door. The company proceed to play at faro, +the bank being the loser. There is a false alarm of police, and the game +is suddenly stopped. The Banker, being naturally indignant, attempts to +relieve his mind by punching</i> FERNANDE's <i>head. Heroic interference by</i> +POMMEROL, <i>and consequent tableau. Curtain.</i></p> + +<p>SATIRICAL PERSON, <i>to one of the ushers.</i> "Will you tell me what street +this house is in?"</p> + +<p>USHER. "Twenty-fourth street, sir."</p> + +<p>SATIRICAL PERSON. "All right. You see I came up in a University Place +car, and I was beginning to think, after having seen that last scene, +that I had made a mistake, and gone down town instead of up town."</p> + +<p>RESPECTABLE LADY, <i>to female friend.</i> "Isn't it shockingly improper! But +then it is so interesting, and it is really one's duty to know how those +creatures conduct themselves when they are at home."</p> + +<p>ACT II.--<i>Scene,</i> CLOTILDE's <i>Garden.</i> CLOTILDE <i>soliloquizes as +follows:</i></p> + +<p>CLOTILDE. "I have adopted FERNANDE and shall call her MARGUERITE. ANDRE +has deceived me, and I will test his love at once." (<i>Enter</i> ANDRE.)</p> + +<p>CLOTILDE. "ANDRE, I think we have made a mistake in fancying ourselves +in love. Would you like to leave me?"</p> + +<p>ANDRE. "My dearest friend, I really think I should. You see I have just +fallen in love with an innocent little angel. By Jove! there she is. +Tell me her name."</p> + +<p>CLOTILDE. "That is MARGUERITE, a protegé of mine. You shall marry her. +Go and make love to her." (<i>He goes.</i>)</p> + +<p>CLOTILDE. "The base wretch deserts me. I will proceed to become a +tigress. I will marry him to FERNANDE, and then tell him what a base +wretch she is. We'll see how he will like that. He thinks her innocent! +Ha! ha! (<i>Aside.</i>--On reflection she is innocent according to this +version of the play; but SARDOU told the truth about her, and I will act +on the supposition that she is a wretch.) That will be a fit revenge, +and I can't do better than rave about it for a while." (<i>Raves +accordingly until the curtain falls.</i>)</p> + +<p>COLD-BLOODED CRITIC. "I have never seen a finer piece of acting than +that of Miss MORANT in the last scene. But then her revenge becomes +absurd when you reflect that FERNANDE is just what ANDRE fancies her, an +innocent girl. That is a fair specimen of the way in which American +writers adapt French plays. They sacrifice probability to prudery."</p> + +<p>FASHIONABLE LADY. "How sweetly penitent FERNANDE looks in her black +dress. I hope she will be innocent enough to wear white in the next act. +One shouldn't give way to repentance or grief for too long a time. Now +when my husband died I was in the deepest grief for six months, and then +slipped into half mourning so gradually that no one noticed the change."</p> + +<p>ACT III. FERNANDE <i>and</i> CLOTILDE <i>are discovered discussing the question +of</i> FERNANDE's <i>wedding outfit.</i></p> + +<p>FERNANDE. "But does ANDRE know how naughty I behaved when I was an +innocent girl in a gambling-house?"</p> + +<p>CLOTILDE. "He does, my dear, but you mustn't speak of it to him,"</p> + +<p>FERNANDE. "I will write to him then, and confess all. There isn't +anything to confess, but still I am determined to confess it."</p> + +<p>CLOTILDE. "Write if you choose. (<i>Aside.</i> I will put the letter in a +lamp-post box, so that he will never get it. On second thought I will +keep it. Some day I might want to use it.")</p> + +<p>FERNANDE <i>writes the letter and</i> CLOTILDE <i>confiscates it.</i> ANDRE, +POMMEROL <i>and a variety of people come and go and talk of a variety of +things. Finally</i> FERNANDE <i>and</i> ANDRE <i>are led out to marriage, and the +dread ceremony is perpetrated. Curtain.</i></p> + +<p>The fourth act opens with a pleasant family party at the house of the +newly married couple. The company play at that singular game of cards so +popular on the stage, in which everybody plays out of turn, and nobody +ever takes a trick. Finally they all go to bed except ANDRE, who goes to +sleep in his chair, as is doubtless the custom with newly-married +Frenchmen. Presently CLOTILDE enters through a secret door and wakes him +up.</p> + +<p>ANDRE. "My dear CLOTILDE, you really mustn't. Think what my wife would +say. So innocent an angel would suspect there was something wrong in +your visiting me at midnight."</p> + +<p>CLOTILDE. "Base villain, you have deserted me. Now I am revenged. Your +wife was once a pretty waiter-girl and her name is FERNANDE. Call her +and ask her if I speak the truth." (<i>He calls her.</i>)</p> + +<p>ANDRE. "Is your name FERNANDE? Ah, I see by the disorder of your back +hair that CLOTILDE's story is too true. Wretched girl, why did you not +tell me all before I married you?"</p> + +<p>FERNANDE. "Spare me. I was a pretty waiter-girl, but I wrote you a +letter and confessed my innocence."</p> + +<p>(<i>She faints on a worsted ottoman, while her husband raves like an</i> +OTTOMAN <i>who has been worsted in a difficulty with an intruder into his +harem.) Enter</i> POMMEROL.</p> + +<p>POMMEROL. "She speaks the truth. Here is her written confession. I took +it out of CLOTILDE's pocket. I will read it." (<i>Reads it.</i>)</p> + +<p>FERNANDE. "You hear it? I confessed all my innocence. If you did not get +it, blame the post-office authorities, but do not throw the poker at +me."</p> + +<p>ANDRE. "FERNANDE! My love! My wife! Come back, and I will forgive your +innocence!" (<i>Tableau.</i>) <i>Curtain.</i></p> + +<p>RESPECTABLE MATRON. "Well, I will say that of all indecent plays this is +the worst. It isn't half as nice as that pretty <i>Frou-Frou</i>. The idea of +that miserable ANDRE forgiving such a hussy as his wife!"</p> + +<p>From which virtuous and venomous opinion the undersigned begs to differ. +The play is simply superb, in spite of the faults of the translation. It +is shocking only to the most prurient of prudes; and in point of +morality is infinitely better than <i>Frou-Frou</i>. And then it is played as +it ought to be. Miss MORANT is magnificent, Mr. LEWIS is immensely +funny, and Messrs. CLARKE and HASKINS are equal to whatever is required +of them. If <i>Frou-Frou</i> ran a hundred nights, <i>Fernande</i> ought to run +five hundred. And that it may is the sincere hope of</p> + +<p>MATADOR.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>A NEW MUSICAL SENSATION.</h2> + +<p>It is stated that the Oneida Indians have organized a cornet band. This +new combination of Copper and brass will doubtless have a very pleasing +effect.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>THE WATERING PLACES.</h2> + +<h3>PUNCHINELLO'S VACATIONS.</h3> + +<p>Last week Mr. PUNCHINELLO took a run over to Saratoga. He bought +DISRAELI'S new novel to read in the cars, and he very soon made up his +mind that if the book correctly described the tone of society in +England, it is safe to say that it is low there.</p> + +<p>Reaching the town of merry Springs and doleful Swallows, Mr. P. went +straight to the house of the good LELANDS. When he got there he was +amazed--he couldn't believe that that grand palace was the old "Union." +But he soon reflected that it was the fashion, now-a-days, to +reconstruct old Unions of every kind, and so it wasn't so surprising to +his mind after he had got through with his reflections. But he couldn't +help hoping that the fellows down at Washington, who were also at work +on an old Union, would turn out as good a job as the LELANDS had. As +soon as he got inside, Mr. P. summoned his friend WARREN, that they +might consult together about his accommodations. There were plenty of +vacant rooms, but Mr. P. made up his mind that he would prefer to take +one of those delightful cottages in the court-yard. One of these was so +much more gorgeous than the others, that Mr. P. chose it on the spot.</p> + +<p>"Ah!--yes--" quoth the gentle WARREN, "I should be delighted, I'm sure, +but that cottage is reserved especially for the Empress EUGENIE, who, +you know, is expected here daily."</p> + +<p>"Indeed!" said Mr. P. "If she is coming so soon, I could not, of course, +keep it very long. So tell me, my good friend, for what trifling sum +will you let me have this cottage till the Empress comes?"</p> + +<p>Mr. LELAND gazed earnestly at Mr. P., and asked him what he thought of +the Chinese question; and whether he believed that this would be a good +year for corn. Then Mr. P. struck a bargain for a back-room in the +seventh story of the right-hand tower.</p> + +<p>Early the next morning Mr. P., like a conscientious man as he is, went +to drink of the waters of the place. He had a strong belief, based upon +experience, that he would not fancy any of the old springs, and so he +tried a new one--the "Geyser."</p> + +<p>Mr. P. stayed a good while at the Geyser. There happened to be a young +lady there who insisted upon helping him to the water with her own lily +hands--the boy might dip it up, but she <i>must</i> hand it to him--and she +had such a way with her that he drank fifty-one glasses. When he came +back to the hotel, and the good WARREN asked him what was the matter, he +merely remarked:</p> + +<p>"I'm a quiz, LELAND. If you choose, you may call me a Guy, sir."</p> + +<p>Mr. P. got himself analysed that day by Dr. ALLEN, and he was found to +consist principally of carbonate of Lime; Silicate of Potassa; Iodide of +Magnesia; and Chloride of Sodium; with a strong trace of Sulphate of +Strontia.</p> + +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> +<img alt="008a.jpg (48K)" src="images/008a.jpg" height="598" width="299"> + +</td><td> + +</td><td> + +<p>At night, however, he was able to attend the hop in the grand saloon. +For a time Mr. P. danced with one girl right along. A pretty girl she +was, too, and the style of her dress showed very plainly that it was +EUGENIE she was hoping to see at Saratoga, and not Madame OLLIVIER. +Well, she had not danced with Mr. P. more than a couple of hours when +she left him for a Pole--one of these wandering Counts that you always +see at such places--a regular hop-Pole, in fact. Mr. P. got very angry +at this insult, and if he had had his way he would have had the fellow +partitioned off--like his beloved country. He was so wrathy, indeed, +that when the hop was over he started on an Arctic expedition, but he +had the same luck as KANE, HALL, and the other fellows.</p> + +<p>He never saw that Pole.</p> + +<p>After this, Mr. P. thought he would keep away from the ladies--but it +was of no use to think. There is a <i>something</i> about Mr. +PUNCHINELLO--but it matters not--suffice it to say that he went out +buggy riding the next day with ANNA DICKINSON on the Lake road. The +horse he drove had belonged to LEONARD JEROME--he was out of "Cash" by +"Thunder," and he had sold him to the livery-man here. He was called a +"two-forty," but when he began to go, Mr. P. was of the opinion that a +musician would have considered his style entirely too <i>forte</i>. They had +not ridden more than half way to BARHYTE'S, before Mr. P. began to feel +his arm bones coming out. But the "Princess of the Platform" was +delighted.</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> + +<p>"Why, you're a capital fellow, Mr. PUNCHINELLO," she cried. "There's +nothing slow or fogeyish about you. You ought to be on the <i>Revolution</i>, +now that TILTON is putting live people there."</p> + +<p>"I shall be a tiltin' myself, and on a revolution too," said Mr. P., "if +this confounded horse don't slack up."</p> + +<p>"Why, what do you mean?" said Miss D.</p> + +<p>"I mean we shall upset," said he.</p> + +<p>"He's got his head too much your side," screamed Miss D. "Hadn't you +better pull on the left string?"</p> + +<p>"No, I hadn't," yelled Mr. P., as the horse commenced to run.</p> + +<p>"But <i>I</i> think you had," cried she. "Don't you believe that women are +naturally as capable of understanding and determining what laws will be +as equitable, and what measures as effective to those ends, as men?"</p> + +<p>"No, I don't!" cried Mr. P., sawing away at the horse's mouth, and +beginning to make a little impression upon it.</p> + +<p>"You should pull that left leather string!" she cried again. "Don't I +know? How dare you make sex a ground of exclusion from the possession +and exercise of equal rights!" and with this, she made a grab at the +left rein.</p> + +<p>It is of no use entering into further particulars of this ride. Towards +evening, Mr. P. and his companion returned to Saratoga and delivered to +the livery-man his equipage--that is, what was left of it.</p> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="008b.jpg (62K)" src="images/008b.jpg" height="361" width="522"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<p>That evening, Mr. P. was sitting in his room, very busy over a new +conundrum for his paper. He had got the answer all right, but to save +his life, he could not get a question to suit it. While he was thus +puzzling his brains, there came a knock at the door, and to him entered +the Hon. JOHN MORRISSEY.</p> + +<p>"Good evenin', P.," says JOHN, taking, at the same time, a seat, and one +of Mr. P.'s <i>Partagas</i>. "I want you to do something for me."</p> + +<p>"And what is it?" said Mr. P., with a benevolent smile.</p> + +<p>"Why, you see," said the Hon. JOHN, "I'm very busy just now--the +commencement of the season, you know--and I would like you to serve in +my place for a while."</p> + +<p>"Why, Congress will soon adjourn now!" said Mr. P.</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes!" said MORRISSEY, "but I'm on a committee which must serve in +the recess. Me and BILL KELLEY are the two chaps appointed as a +committee to weigh all the pig-iron that has been imported in the last +year, and to see if the gover'ment hasn't been swindled, in either the +deal or the play. Now you see that ain't in my line at all, and as soon +as I heard you were here, I thought you were the man to take my place."</p> + +<p>"I'm sorry," said Mr. P., "but really, JOHN, I haven't the time. It's a +sort of committee of ways and means, isn't it?"</p> + +<p>"Well," said JOHN, "a fellow weighs, that's true; and the whole business +is mean enough. But if you can't take hold of it, we'll say no more +about it. Come on down with me to my place and have some supper."</p> + +<p>"Your place!" said Mr. P. "Have you a place here?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, <i>sir</i>," said the Congressman, "a bully club-house, and it's paid +for too; and if you'll come along I'll give you a hearty welcome and +some good cigars--and not dime ones, either," added he, throwing away +the greater part Mr. P.'s <i>Partaga</i>.</p> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="009.jpg (131K)" src="images/009.jpg" height="516" width="693"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<p>The personal property of Mr. PUNCHINELLO consisted principally of U. S. +5.20 coupon bonds of 1868; Chicago and Northwestern--preferred; Hannibal +and St. Joseph--1st mortgage bonds; a heavy deposit of bullion, mostly +gold bars; and Ashes in inspection ware-house, both pots and pearls.</p> + +<p>When, early the next morning, he left the club-house of his friend, the +Congressman, he was still the proud owner of his Ashes--both pots and +pearls.</p> + +<p>Saratoga is too expensive a place for a long sojourn, and Mr. P. left +the next day.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>COMIC ZOOLOGY.</h2> + +<h3>ORDER, PACHYDERMATA.--THE RHINOCEROS.</h3> + +<p>There are several species of the Rhinoceros, some of which have one +horn, like a Unicorn, others two, like a Dilemma. All the varieties are +as strictly vegetarian as the late SYLVESTER GRAHAM, but their fondness +for a botanic diet may be ascribed to instinct, rather than reflection, +as they are not ruminating animals. The most formidable of the tribe is +the Black Rhinoceros of Equatorial Africa, which is particularly +dangerous when it turns to Bay. Though dull of eye and ear, this +ponderous beast will follow a scent with wonderful tenacity, and the +promptness with which it makes its tremendous charges has earned for it, +among European hunters, the sobriquet of the "Ready Rhino." The fact +that the Black Rhinoceros is armed with two horns, while most of the +white species have but one, may perhaps account for the greater +viciousness of the former--it being generally admitted that the most +ferocious of all known monsters are those which have been furnished with +a plurality of horns. This is the position taken by the famous New +England naturalist, NEAL DOW, in his dissertations on that destructive +Eastern pachyderm, the Striped Pig, and it seems to be fully borne out +by the history of the great Scriptural Decicorn, as given by the +inspired Zoologist, ST. JOHN.</p> + +<p>We learn from Sir SAMUEL BAKER and other Nimrods of the Ramrod who have +hunted up the Nile, that herds of the Black Rhinoceros are pretty +thickly sprinkled throughout the whole extent of the Nilotic basin, and +especially near the great watershed which forms the primary source of +the mysterious river. The natives of that region universally regard the +creature as a Rum customer, and not having the requisite Spirit to face +it boldly, they set Gins under the Tope trees, at the places where it +comes to drink, and thus effect its destruction.</p> + +<p>As the Rhinoceros, whatever its species, seeks the densest covert, and +its hide is almost impenetrable, it is a difficult animal to bag. Its +peltry being of about the same consistency and thickness as the +vulcanized India Rubber used in cushioning billiard tables, balls often +rebound from it without producing a score. This difficulty may, however, +be obviated--according to Sir SAMUEL BAKER--by firing half-pound shells +from the shoulder, with a rifle of proportionate size, and if the +Sporting Bulletins of that enterprising traveller are not shots with the +long bow, he carried the war into Africa to some purpose, not +unfrequently bagging his Baker's dozen of Rhinoceroses in the course of +forty-eight hours. The African and the Asiatic species bear a general +resemblance to each other, although probably, if placed side by side, +points of difference would be observed between them.</p> + +<p>It is a disputed question among Biblical commentators whether the +Rhinoceros or the Hippopotamus is the Behemoth of Scripture, but as the +Rhinoceros feeds on furze and the Hippopotamus does not, it would seem +that the terminal syllable "moth" more properly applies to the latter. +As numerous fossil remains of the animal have been found from time to +time in the Rhenish provinces of Germany, it is supposed by some +archaeologists that prior to the Noachian Deluge its principal habitat +was the Valley of the Rhine, where it was known as the Rhine-horse. The +"horse," it is alleged, was subsequently corrupted into "hoss," +whereupon the lexicographers, uncertain which of the two renderings was +the true one, called it in their vocabularies the "Rhine horse or hoss," +and thence the present still more senseless corruption, "Rhinoceros." +This is, of course, mere theory, but it is supported by the well +authenticated parallel case of the Nylghau--more properly Nile +Ghaut--which derived its name from the singular fact that it was never +seen by any human being in the neighborhood of the Ghauts of the Nile. +Although the Nile has such a fishy reputation that stories from that +source are generally taken <i>cum grano salis</i>, or profanely characterised +(see Cicero) as "<i>Nihil Tam incredible</i>," the above statement in +relation to the Nylghau will not be seriously disputed by any well +informed naturalist.</p> + +<p>The general aspect of the Rhinoceros is that of a hog in armor on a +grand scale. The males of the genus are called bulls, but they are more +like boars, with the tusk inverted and transferred by Rhino-plastic +process to the nose. When enraged, the animal exalts its horn and +trumpets like a locomotive, whereupon it is advisable to give it the +right of way, as to face the music would be dangerous.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + +<h2>SIC SEMPER E PLURIBUS, ETC.</h2> +<br> +<p> Oh, Star-spangled Banner! once emblem of glory,<br> + And guardian of freedom and justice and law,<br> + How bright in the annals of war was thy story!<br> + <i>Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!</i></p> +<br> +<p> Time was when the nations beheld thee and trembled,<br> + Though now they assure us they don't care a straw<br> + For wrath which they say is but poorly dissembled;<br> + <i>Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!</i></p> +<br> +<p> They <i>know</i> our best ships are dismantled or rotten,<br> + <i>We</i> know that they'll soon be abolished by law,<br> + And FARRAGUT'S triumphs are nearly forgotten;<br> + <i>Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!</i></p> +<br> +<p> The soldiers whose best days were spent in our service--<br> + Whose manhood we claimed as our right by the law,<br> + As paupers must die, since their cost would unnerve us;<br> + <i>Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!</i></p> +<br> +<p> We look for respect in the eyes of the nations,<br> + And man our defences with soldiers of straw,<br> + To save for vile uses their pay and their rations;<br> + <i>Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!</i></p> +<br> +<p> With armies reduced, and the ghost of a navy,<br> + Of course we must trust to our ancient <i>éclat</i>;<br> + Economy now is the cry, we must save a<br> + Few millions for thieves to steal--<i>unum go bragh!</i></p> +<br> +<p> "<i>Sun</i>" DANA may bluster as much as he pleases--<br> + Our friend, Mr. FISH, is sustained by the law,<br> + And old Mr. BENNETT just bellows to tease us;<br> + <i>Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!</i></p> +<br> +<p> There's LOGAN, who once had the heart of a hero--<br> + Alas! that same heart is now only a craw,<br> + And its vigor has sunk away down below Zero;<br> + <i>Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!</i></p> +<br> +<p> His action has sadden'd the hearts of more freemen<br> + Than fought under GRANT in defence of the law;<br> + Well--well--never mind--we can boast of our women;<br> + <i>Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!</i></p> +<br> +<p> The people may some day awake to the notion<br> + That statesmen can tamper too much with the law,<br> + And send them to regions less genial than Goshen;<br> + <i>Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!</i></p> + + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="010.jpg (163K)" src="images/010.jpg" height="651" width="667"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>ON CATS.</h2> + +<p>Some cats are black, some brown, some white, some "arf and arf."</p> + +<p>Some cats are gentle, and require a good deal of pinching and +"worriting" to bring them to the scratch, like some persons, who require +to get their dander up before they'll show fight.</p> + +<p>Other cats, however, are very vicious. These, from their spitting +proclivities, might be called Spitfires. I dare say this regards black +cats most, whose backs, when rubbed in the dark, are seen to emit +<i>sparks</i>.</p> + +<p>A cat that is good at the spitting business, and well up in the trade, +can do a smart thing or two in the defensive line--as when confronted by +a dog, for instance. If the feline can only keep up a vigorous and well +directed spitting, the canine is almost sure to retreat, with his tail +between his legs, (if it is not too short to get there.)</p> + +<p>Cats are generally considered rat and mouse destroyers. I dare say they +are, though the two I once kept (I drowned them in the cistern) were +more notorious as crockery destroyers than anything else. I thought, on +the whole, that they exterminated more raw beef than rats and mice, so I +consigned them to a watery grave.</p> + +<p>It was a good thing for WHITTINGTON that there are such things as mice, +and cats (if they are not too fat) to destroy them. His cat was truly +worth its weight in gold to him. Such a cat should have been embalmed +for the benefit of posterity. It must have been a noble sight to see the +feline banquetting on the dainty joints of the <i>mus</i> in the Fejee +palace, and WHITTINGTON getting a bag of gold for each victim his +follower devoured. Honor to WHITTINGTON and his Cat!</p> + +<p>Cats are very fond of birds--when they can get 'em, "otherwise not." To +see a cat watching a bird, you would think there was some magnetic +attraction in the love line between them. There may be, <i>before hand</i>. +But let the cat once touch its sought-for, and I assure you there is no +love lost. By some accident or other, the little birdie goes down +Grimalkin's throat.</p> + +<p>A cat has nine lives, we are told; something like old METHUSELAH, who, +they declare, got so tired of living that he had to die to get some +relief. I know some ladies who would like to borrow a life or two from +the cat, especially those on the wrong side of the line, as regards +thirty. Owing to the nine lives, a cat may be jerked about pretty +promiscuously from third story windows, <i>et cetera</i>. They have a knack +of falling on their feet, which a good many BLONDINS would like to +have--especially when a rope breaks, and when they "a kind of" forget +that "Pride must have a fall."</p> + +<p>Such are a few remarks on Cats of every description. As this ain't a +Prize Essay, I don't give the different species, which are as numerous +as the hairs of my head, and these are now pretty numerous, as I am not +particular about cutting them.</p> + +<p>BILL BISCAY.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>"DY(E)ING AND SCOURING DONE HERE."</h2> + +<p>A Correspondent of one of the daily papers, writing from Athens, on the +subject of the brigandage outrages lately perpetrated in Greece, says +that "the Kingdom is scoured by soldiers."</p> + +<p>That's right. It has long been a very dirty little Kingdom, and a good +scouring by soldiers is the only thing to obliterate the numerous Greece +spots with which it has been tarnished.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>NOW'S YOUR CHANCE.</h2> + +<p>The attention of the New York daily newspapers is called to the fact +that the mosquitoes down in Maine this season are uncommonly large and +extremely numerous. Now, it is well known that fleas can be trained to +do (upon a small scale) many things usually done by human beings; and +why may not the very largest of the mosquitoes be educated to manage the +daily newspapers? How beautifully would they buzz! how venomously would +they bite! how remorselessly would POTT, (of <i>The Independent</i>,) let +loose his insect champions upon SLURK, of <i>The Gazette</i>!</p> + +<p>P. S. Mr. PUNCHINELLO begs leave to observe that no allusion is here +intended to Mr. TILTON'S <i>Independent</i>, which is extremely well supplied +with mosquitoes already.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>OUR PORTFOLIO.</h2> + +<p>One of the most heart-rending elopements on record is that of MORDECAI +SKAGGS, an Indianian by birth, but a Chicagoan by adoption, who left a +legitimate spouse at Owen, Spencer County, Indiana, and fled with a +beautiful "affinity" toward the "Lake City." The deserted wife, like a +pursuing Nemesis, "went for him." She tracked him from stage to stage of +his journey, and finally overtook the fugitive, but not before he had +"consummated marriage a second time."</p> + +<p>When found, she did not pause "to make a note" of MORDECAI, but seized +him by the beard, very much as OTHELLO did the "uncircumcised Jew;" yet, +not caring to slay him outright, she exploded a pitcher of ice-water +upon his heated brow, and while still clasping his dishevelled locks +pelted the supposed guilty partner of his flight with the fragments of +the broken vessel. But the chief shock of this disaster, to the +unfortunate SKAGGS, occurred in the interval of a brief cessation of +hostilities, when the enraged wife demanded to know of the other woman +why she had thus outraged the sanctity of her domestic altars, and the +"other woman" explained that the too seductive SKAGGS had represented +himself as a single man. Thereupon the two joined forces, and set upon +MORDECAI; pulling his hair out by the roots; scarifying his manly phiz +with their delicate claws; and so marring and disfiguring this +"double-breasted" deceiver that not even the penetration of the maternal +eye could discover in that battered carcass the once familiar lineaments +of a beloved son.</p> + +<p>The thought suggested to PUNCHINELLO by this catastrophe is whether we +may not safely leave the iniquity of Western divorce law to work out its +own salvation, when it provokes the use of such weapons, and makes it +possible for the penalty to follow so closely upon the heels of crime.</p> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="011.jpg (252K)" src="images/011.jpg" height="1132" width="763"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="012.jpg (224K)" src="images/012.jpg" height="1133" width="780"> +</center> +<br><br> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 15, July 9, +1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, JULY 9, 1870 *** + +***** This file should be named 9797-h.htm or 9797-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/9/7/9/9797/ + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra +Brown and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 15, July 9, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Posting Date: October 29, 2011 [EBook #9797] +Release Date: January, 2006 +First Posted: October 18, 2003 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, JULY 9, 1870 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra +Brown and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + + + + + + + + + +[Illustration: Vol. I. No. 15.] + + +Punchinello + + +SATURDAY, JULY 9, 1870. + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY. + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, + +By ORPHEUS C. KERR, + +Continued in this Number. + + +[Sidenote: See 15th Page for Extra Premiums.] + + * * * * * + +NOW READY. + +The July Number of + +LIPPINCOTT'S MAGAZINE. + +An Illustrated Monthly of + +Literature, Science, and Education. + +Containing Seventeen Valuable and Entertaining Articles. + +NOTICE + +The July number of Lippincott's Magazine commences a New Volume (VI.) +The Publishers will send gratis the May and June Numbers, containing the +first Parts of Anthony Trollope's New Story, "Sir Harry Hotspur." to +parties subscribing before July 1st. $4.00 per annum. 35 cts per number. + +_For Sale at all the Book and News Stores._ + +J. B. LIPPINCOTT & Co., Publishers, + +715 & 717 Market St., Philadelphia. + + * * * * * + +CONANT'S + +PATENT BINDERS + +FOR + +"PUNCHINELLO," + +to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent postpaid on +receipt of One Dollar, by + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +83 Nassau Street, New York City. + + * * * * * + +HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S + +STEEL PENS. + +These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper than any +other Pen in the market. Special attention is called to the following +grades, as being better suited for business purposes than any Pen +manufactured. The + +"505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," + +we recommend for Bank and Office use. + +D. APPLETON & CO., + +Sole Agents for United States. + + * * * * * + +ERIE RAILWAY. + +TRAINS LEAVE DEPOTS + +Foot of Chambers Street + +and + +Foot of Twenty-Third Street, + +AS FOLLOWS: + +Through Express Trains leave Chambers Street at 8 A.M., 10 A.M., 5:30 P.M., +and 7:00 P.M., (daily); leave 23d Street at 7:45 A.M., 9:45 A.M., and 5:15 +and 6:45 P.M. (daily.) New and improved Drawing-Room Coaches will accompany +the 10:00 A.M. train through to Buffalo, connecting at Hornellsville with +magnificent Sleeping Coaches running through to Cleveland and Galion. +Sleeping Coaches will accompany the 8:00 A.M. train from Susquehanna to +Buffalo, the 5:30 P.M. train from New York to Buffalo, and the 7:00 P.M. +train from New York to Rochester, Buffalo and Cincinnati. An Emigrant train +leaves daily at 7:30 P.M. + +FOR PORT JERVIS AND WAY, *11:30 A.M., and 4:30 P.M., (Twenty-third Street, +*11:15 A.M. and 4:15 P.M.) + +FOR MIDDLETOWN AND WAY, at 3:30 P.M.,(Twenty-third Street, 3:15 P.M.); and, +Sundays only, 8:30 A.M. (Twenty-third Street, 8:15 P.M.) + +FOR GREYCOURT AND WAY, at *8:30 A.M., (Twenty-third Street, 8:15 A.M.) + +FOR NEWBURGH AND WAY, at 8:00 A.M., 3:30 and 4:30 P.M. (Twenty-third Street +7:45 A.M., 3:15 and 4:15 P.M.) + +FOR SUFFERN AND WAY, 5:00 P.M. and 6:00 P.M. (Twenty-third Street, 4:45 and +5:45 P.M.) Theatre Train, *11:30 P.M. (Twenty-third Street, *11 P.M.) + +FOR PATERSON AND WAY, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at 6:45, 10:15 and +11:45 A.M.; *1:45 3:45, 5:15 and 6:45 P.M. From Chambers Street Depot at +6:45, 10:15 A.M.; 12 M.; *1:45, 4:00, 5:15 and 6:45 P.M. + +FOR HACKENSACK AND HILLSDALE, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at 8:45 and +11:45 A.M.; $7:15 3:45, $5:15, 5:45, and $6:45 P.M. From Chambers Street +Depot, at 9:00 A.M.; 12:00 M.; $2:15, 4:00 $5:15, 6:00, and $6:45 P.M. + +FOR PIERMONT, MONSEY AND WAY, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at +8:45 A.M.; 12:45, {3:15 4:15, 4:46 and {6:15 P.M., and, Saturdays only, +{12 midnight. From Chambers Street Depot, at 9:00 A.M.; 1:00, {3:30, +4:15, 5:00 and {6:30 P.M. Saturdays, only, {12:00 midnight. + +Tickets for passage and for apartments in Drawing-Room and Sleeping +Coaches can be obtained, and orders for the Checking and Transfer of +Baggage may be left at the + +COMPANY'S OFFICES: + +241, 529, and 957 Broadway. +205 Chambers Street. +Cor. 125th Street & Third Ave., Harlem. +338 Fulton Street, Brooklyn. +Depots, foot of Chambers Street and foot +of Twenty-third Street, New York. +3 Exchange Place. +Long Dock Depot, Jersey City, +And of the Agents at the principal Hotels + +WM. R. BARR, +_General Passenger Agent._ + +L. D. RUCKER, +_General Superintendent._ + +* Daily. $ For Hackensack only. { For Piermont only. + +May 2D, 1870. + + * * * * * + +APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN + +"PUNCHINELLO" + +SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO + +J. NICKERSON, + +ROOM No. 4, + +No. 83 Nassau Street. + + + * * * * * + +DIBBLEEANIA, + +and + +Japonica Juice + +FOR THE HAIR. + +The most effective Soothing and Stimulating Compounds +ever offered to the public for the + +Removal of Scurf, Dandruff, &c. + +For consultation, apply at + +WILLIAM DIBBLEE'S, + +Ladies' Hair Dresser and Wig Maker. + +854 BROADWAY, N. Y. City. + + * * * * * + +WEVILL & HAMMAR, + +Wood Engravers, + +208 BROADWAY, + +NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +FORST & AVERELL + +Steam Lithograph, and Letter Press + +PRINTERS + +EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL +MANUFACTURERS. + +Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application + +23 Platt Street, and +20-22 Gold Street, +[P.O. Box 2845.] +NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +$34 Per Day. + +Agents Wanted! + +In every Town, County and State, to canvass for + +Henry Ward Beecher's Great Paper, + +With Which is GIVEN AWAY + +That superb and world-renowned work of art, "Marshall's Household +Engraving of Washington." The best paper and the grandest engraving +in America. Agents report "making $17 in half a day." "Sales easier +than books, and profits greater." Ladies or gentlemen desiring +immediate and largely remunerative employment; book canvassers, and +all soliciting agents will find more money in this than anything else. +It is something ENTIRELY NEW, being an UNPRECEDENTED COMBINATION and +very taking. Send for circular and terms to + +J. B. FORD & CO., 39 Park Row, New York. + + * * * * * + +FOLEY'S + +GOLD PENS. + +THE BEST AND CHEAPEST. + +256 BROADWAY. + + * * * * * + +Bowling Green Savings-Bank + +33 BROADWAY, +NEW YORK. + +Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M. + +_Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents to Ten Thousand +Dollars, will be received._ + +Six per Cent interest, Free of Government Tax. + +INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS +Commences on the First of every Month. + +HENRY SMITH, _President_ + +REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary._ + +WALTER ROCHE, } _Vice-Presidents._ +EDWARD HOGAN, } + + * * * * * + + +MERCANTILE LIBRARY + +Clinton Hall, Astor Place, + +NEW YORK. + +This is now the largest Circulating Library in America, the number of +volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 volumes are added each +month; and very large purchases are made of all new and popular works. + +Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each delivery. + +TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP: + +TO CLERKS, $1 INITIATION, $3 ANNUAL DUES. +TO OTHERS, $5 A YEAR. + +Subscriptions Taken for Six Months. + +BRANCH OFFICES + +at + +No. 76 Cedar St., New York, + +and at + +Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth. + + * * * * * +$2 to ALBANY and TROY. + +The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and Daniel Drew, commencing May 31, +will leave Vestry st. Pier at 8:45, and Thirty-fourth st. at 9 a.m., +landing at Yonkers, (Nyack, and Tarrytown by ferry-boat), Cozzens, West +Point, Cornwall, Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill, +Hudson, and New-Baltimore. A special train of broad-gauge cars in +connection with the day boats will leave on arrival at Albany +(commencing June 20) for Sharon Springs. Fare $4.25 from New York and +for Cherry Valley. The Steamboat Seneca will transfer passengers from +Albany to Troy. + + * * * * * + +HENRY L. STEPHENS, + +ARTIST, + +No. 160 FULTON STREET, + +NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +GEO. B. BOWLEND, + +Draughtsman & Designer + +No. 160 Fulton Street, + +Room No. 11, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +J. NICKINSON + +begs to announce to the friends of + +"PUNCHINELLO," + +residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has +made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of + +ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED, + +the same will be forwarded, postage paid. + +Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing +Houses, can have the same forwarded by inclosing two +stamps. + +OFFICE OF + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +83 Nassau Street. + +P.O. Box 2783] + + + + + + + + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + + +BALKS IN A BRUSH. + + +FLORA, having no relations in the world that she knew of, had, ever +since her seventh new bonnet, known no other home than Macassar Female +College, in the Alms-House, and regarded Miss CAROWTHERS as her +mother-in-lore. Her memory of her own mother was of a lady-like person +who had swiftly waisted away in the effort to be always taken for her +own daughter, and was, one day, brought down-stairs, by her husband, in +two pieces, from tight lacing. The sad separation (taking place just +before a party of pleasure), had driven FLORA'S father into a frenzy of +grief for his better halves; which was augmented to brain fever by Mr. +SCHENCK, who, having given a Boreal policy to deceased, felt it his duty +to talk gloomily about wives who sometimes died apart after receiving +unmerited cuts from their husbands, and to suggest a compromise of ten +per cent, upon the amount of the policy, as a much more cheerful +settlement than a coroner's inquest. FLORA'S betrothal had grown out of +the soothing of Mr. POTTS'S last year of mental disorder by Mr. DROOD, +an old partner in the grocery business, who, too, was a widower from his +wife's use of arsenic and lead for her complexion. The two bereaved +friends, after comparing tears and looking mournfully at each other's +tongues, had talked themselves to death over the fluctuations in sugar; +willing their respective children to marry in future for the sake of +keeping up the controversy. + +From the FLOWERPOT'S first arrival at the Alms-House, her new things, +engagement to be married, and stock of chocolate caramels, had won the +deepest affections of her teachers and schoolmates; and, on the morning +after the sectional dispute between EDWIN and MONTGOMERY, when one of +the young ladies had heard of it as a profound secret, no pains were +spared by the whole tender-hearted school to make her believe that +neither of the young men was entirely given up yet by the consulting +physicians. It was whispered, indeed, that a knife or two might have +passed, and two or three guns been exchanged; but she was not to be at +all worried, for persons had been known to get well with the tops of +their heads off. + +At an early hour, however, Miss PENDRAGON had paid a visit to her +brother, in Gospeler's Gulch; and, coming back with the intelligence, +that, while he had been stabbed to the heart, it was chiefly by cruel +insinuations and an umbrella, was enabled to assure Miss CAROWTHERS, in +confidence, that nothing eligible for publication in the New York Sun +had really occurred. Thus, when the legal conqueror of Breachy Mr. +BLODGETT entered that principal recitation-room of the Macassar, +formally known as the Cackleorium, she had no difficulty in explaining +away the panic. + +She said that "Unfounded Rumor, Ladies, is, we all know, a descriptive +phrase applied by the Associated Press to all important foreign news +procured a week or two in advance of its own similar European advices, +by the Press Association[A]. We perceive then, Ladies, (Miss JENKINS +will be good enough to stop scratching her nose while I am talking,) +that Unfounded Rumor sometimes means--hem!-- + + 'The Associated Press + In bitter distress.' + +In Bumsteadville, however, it has a signification more like what we +should give it in relation to a statement that Senator SUMNER had +delivered a Latin quotation without a speech selected for it. In this +sense, Ladies, (Miss PARKINSON can scarcely be aware of how much cotton +stocking can be seen when she lolls so,) the Unfounded Rumor concerning +two gentlemen of different political views in this county was not +correct. (Miss BABCOCK will learn four chapters in Chronicles by heart +to-night, for making her handkerchief into a baby,) as proper inquiries +have assured us that no more blood was shed than if the parties to the +strife had been a Canadian and a Fenian. We will, therefore, drop the +subject, and enter at once upon the flowery path of the first lesson in +algebra." + +This explanation destroyed all the interest of a majority of the young +ladies, who had anticipated a horridly delightful duel, at least; but +FLORA was slightly hysterical about it, even late in the afternoon, when +it was announced that her guardian had come to see her. + +Mr. DIBBLE, of Gowanus, had been selected for his trust on account of +his pre-eminent goodness, which, as seems to be invariably the case, was +associated with an absence of personal beauty trenching upon the +scarecrow. Possibly an excess of strong and disproportionate carving in +nose, mouth and chin, accompanied by weak eyes and unexpectedness of +forehead, may tend to make the Evil One but languid in his desire for +the capture of its human exemplar. This may help account for the +otherwise rather curious coincidence of frightful physiognomy and +preternatural goodness in this world of sinful beauties[B]. Under such a +theory, Mr. DIBBLE'S easy means of frightening the Arch-Tempter into +immediate flight, and keeping himself free from all possible incitement +to be anything but good, were a face, head and neck shaped not unlike an +old-fashioned water-pitcher, and a form suggestive of an obese lobster +balancing on an upright horse-shoe. His nose was too high up; his mouth +and chin bulged too tremendously; his neck inside a whole mainsail of +shirt-collar was too much fluted, and his eyes were as much too small +and oyster-like as his ears were too large and horny. + +Mr. DIBBLE found his ward in Miss CAROWTHER'S own private room, from +which even the government mails were generally excluded; and, after +saluting both ladies, and politely desiring the elder to remain present, +in order to be sure that his conversation was strictly moral, the +monstrous old gentleman pulled a memorandum book from his pocket and +addressed himself to FLORA. + +"I am a square man myself, dear kissling," he said, with much double +chin in his manner, "and like to do everything on the square. I am now +'interviewing' you, and shall make notes of your answers, though not +necessarily for publication. First: is your health satisfactory?" + +Miss POTTS admitted that, excepting occasional attacks of insatiable +longing for True Sympathy, chiefly produced by over-eating of pickles +and slate-pencils to avert excessive plumpness, she could generally take +pie twice without experiencing a subsequent reactionary tendency to +piety and gloomy presentiments. + +"Second: is your allowance of pin-money sufficient to keep you in cold +cream, Berlin wool, and other necessaries of life?" + +The FLOWERPOT confessed that she had now and then wished herself able to +buy a church and a velvet dressing-gown, (lined with cherry,) for a +young clergyman with the consumption and side-whiskers; but, under +common circumstances, her allowance was enough to procure all absolutely +requisite Edging without running her into debt, and still leave +sufficient to buy materials for any reasonable altar-cloth. + +"And now, my dear," said Mr. DIBBLE, evidently glad that all the more +important and serious part of the interview was over, "we come to the +subject of your marriage. Mr. EDWIN has seen you here, occasionally, I +suppose, and you may possibly like him well enough to accept him as a +husband, if not as a friend!" + +"He's such a perfectly absurd creature that I can't help liking him," +returned FLORA, gravely; "but I am not certain that my utterly +ridiculous deeper woman's love is entirely satisfied with the shape of +his nose." + +"That'll be mostly hidden by his whiskers, when they grow," observed her +guardian. + +"I hope they'll be bushy, with a frizzle at the ends and a bald place +for his chin," said the young girl, reflectively; then suddenly asked: +"If we _shouldn't_ be married, would either of us have to pay anything?" + +"I should say not," answered Mr. DIBBLE, "unless you sued him for +breach." (Here Miss CAROWTHERS was heard to murmur "BLODGETT," and +hastily took an anti-nervous pill.) "I should say that your respective +parents wished you to marry only in case you should see no other persons +whose noses you liked better. As on this coming Christmas you will be +within a few months of your marriage, I have brought your father's will +with me, with the intention of depositing it in the hands of Mr. EDWIN'S +trustee, Mr. BUMSTEAD--" + +"Oh, leave it with EDDY, if you'll please to be so ridiculously kind," +interrupted FLORA. "Mr. BUMSTEAD would certainly insist upon it that +there were _two_ wills, instead of one: and that would be so absurd." + +"Well, well," assented Mr. DIBBLE, rising to go, "I'm a perfectly square +man, even when I'm looking round, and will do as you wish. As a slight +memento of my really charming visit here, might I humbly petition yonder +lady to remit any little penalty that may happen to be in force just now +against any lovely student of the College for eating preserves in bed, +or writing notes to the Italian music teacher, who is already married, +or anything of that kind?" + +"FLORA," said Miss CAROWTHERS, graciously, "you may tell Miss BABCOCK, +that, in consequence of your guardian's request, she will be excused +from studying her Bible as a punishment." + +After due acknowledgment of this favor, the good Mr. DIBBLE made his +farewell bow, and went forth to the turnpike. Following that high road, +he presently found himself near the side-door of the Ritualistic Church +of Saint Cow's, and, while curiously watching the minor canons who were +carrying in some fireworks to be used in the next day's service, was +confronted by Mr. BUMSTEAD just coming out. + +"Let me see you home," said Mr. BUMSTEAD, hastily holding out an arm. +"I'll tell the family it's only vertigo." + +"Why, nothing is the matter with me," pleaded Mr. DIBBLE. "I've only +been having a talk with my ward." + +"I'll bet cloves for two that she didn't say she preferred me to NED," +insinuated Mr. BUMSTEAD, breathing audibly through his nose. + +"Then you'll not lose," was the answer; "for she did not tell me whom +she preferred to the one she wishes to marry. They never do; and +sometimes it is only discovered in Indiana. You and I surrender our +respective guardianships on Christmas, Mr. BUMSTEAD; until when +good-bye; and be early marriage their lot!" + +"Be early Divorce their lot!" said BUMSTEAD, thrusting his book of +organ-music so far under his coat-flap that it stuck out at the back +like a curvature of the spine. + +"I said marriage," cried Mr. DIBBLE, looking back. + +"I said Divorce," retorted Mr. BUMSTEAD, thoughtfully eating a clove, +"Don't one generally involve the other?" + + +[Footnote A: Oh, see here now, this is really too bad! The manner in +which the great American Adapter is all the time making totally +unexpected and vicious passes at the finest old cherished institutions +of the age is simply frightful. PUNCHINELLO should prevent it?--Well, +PUNCHINELLO _did_ remonstrate at an early stage of the Adaptation; and +the result was, that all the finest feelings of his nature were outraged +by an ensuing Chapter, in which was introduced a pauper burial-ground +swarming with deceased proprietors of American _Punches!_--EDS. +PUNCHINELLO.] + +[Footnote B: The whole idea is nothing less than atrocious; and, in our +judgment, the Adapter's actual purpose in putting it forth is to make +his own superlative goodness seem proved by a logical conclusion.--EDS. +PUNCHINELLO.] + + + + +CHAPTER X. + + +OILING THE WHEELS. + + +No husband who has ever properly studied his mother-in-law can fail to +be aware that woman's perception of heartless villainy and evidences of +intoxication in man is often of that curiously fine order of vision +which rather exceeds the best efforts of ordinary microscopes, and +subjects the average human mind to considerable astonishment. The +perfect ease with which she can detect murderous proclivities, Mormon +instincts, and addiction to maddening liquors, in a daughter's +husband--who, to the most searching inspection of everybody else, +appears the watery, hen-pecked, and generally intimidated young man of +his age--is one of those common illustrations of the infallible +acuteness of feminine judgment which are doing more and more, every day, +to establish the positive necessity of woman's superior insight, and +natural dispassionate fairness of mind, for the future wisest exercise +of the elective franchise and most just administration of the highest +judicial office. It may be said that the mother-in-law is the highest +development of the supernaturally perceptive and positive woman, since +she usually has superior opportunities to study man in all the stages +from marriage to madness; but with her whole sex, particularly after +certain sour turns in life, inheres an alertness of observation as to +the incredible viciousness of masculine character, which nothing less +than a bit of flattery or a happily equivocal reflection upon some rival +sister can either divert or mislead for a moment. + +"Now don't you really think, OLDY," said Gospeler SIMPSON to his mother, +as he sat watching her fabrication of an immense stocking for the poor, +"that Hopeless Inebriate and Midnight Assassin are a rather too severe +characterization of my pupil, Mr. MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON?" + +"No, I do not, OCTAVE," replied the excellent old nut-cracker of a lady, +who was making the charity stocking as nearly in the shape of a hatchet +as possible. "When a young man of rebel sentiments spends all his nights +in drinking lemon teas, and trying to spoil other young men's clothes in +throwing such teas at them, and is only to be put down by umbrellas, and +comes to his homes with cloves in his clenched fists, and has headaches +on the following days, he's on his way either to political office or the +gallows." + +"But he hasn't done so at all with s's to it," exclaimed the Reverend +OCTAVIUS, exasperated by so many plurals. "He did it but once, and then +he was strongly provoked. EDWIN mentioned the sharpness of his sister's +nose to him, and reflected casually upon the late well-known Southern +Confederacy." + +"Don't tell me!" reasoned the fine old lady, holding up the stocking by +its handle to see how much longer it must be to reach the wearer's +waist. "I'm afraid you're a copperhead, OCTAVE." + +"How you do cackle, OLDY!" said her son, who was very proud of her when +she kept still. "You can't see anything good in MONTGOMERY, because, +after the first seven or eight breakfasts with us, he said he was afraid +that so many fishballs would make his head swim." + +"My child," returned the old lady, thrusting an arm so far into the +charity stocking that she seemed to have the wrong kind of blue worsted +limb growing from one of her shoulders, "I have judged this dissipated +young man exactly as though he were my own son-in-law, and know that he +possesses an incendiary disposition. After the fireworks at Saint Cow's +Church, on Saint VITUS'S Day, that devoted Ritualistic Christian, Mr. +BUMSTEAD, came up to me in the porch, with his eyes nearly closed, on +account of the solemnity of the occasion, and began feeling around my +neck with both his hands. When I asked him to explain, he said that he +wanted to see whether my throat was cut yet, as he had heard that we +kept a Southern murderer at home. He was still very pale at what had +taken place in his room over night, when he finally said 'Good-day, +ladies,' to me. + +"MONTGOMERY is certainly attached to me, at any rate," murmured the +Gospeler, reflectively, "and has made no attempt upon my life." + +"That's because his sister restrains him," asserted the mother, with a +fond look. "I overheard her telling him, when she was at dinner here one +day, that you might be taken for a Southerner, if you only wore +dress-coat all the time and were heavily mortgaged. Withdraw her +influence, and the desperate young man would tar and feather us all in +our beds some night." + +Falling silent after this unanswerable proof of Mr. PENDRAGON'S guilt, +Mr. SIMPSON mused upon as much of the dear old nutcracker as was not +hidden by the vast charity stocking. In her ruffled cap, false front, +and spectacles, she was so exactly the figure one might picture Mr. JOHN +STUART MILL to be, after reading his latest literary knitting on the +Revolting Injustice of Masculine Society, that the Gospeler of Saint +Cow's could not help feeling how perfectly useless it was to expect her +to think herself capable of error. + +As, whenever the Reverend OCTAVIUS gave indication of a capacity for +speechless thoughtfulness, his benignant mother at once concluded that +he needed an anti-bilious pill, she now made all haste to the cupboard +to procure that imitation-vegetable and a glass of water. It was the +neatest, best-stored Ritualistic cupboard in Bumsteadville. Above it +hung a portrait of the Pope, from which the grand old Apostolic son of +an infallible dogma looked knowingly down, as though with the contents +of that cupboard he could get-up such a _schema_ as would be palatable +to the most skeptical Bishop in all the Oecumenical Council, and of +which be might justly say: Whosoever dare think that he ever tasted a +better _schema_, or ever dreamed in his deepest consciousness that a +better could be made, let him be anathema maranatha! A most rakish +looking wooden button, noiselessly stealthly and sly, gave entrance to +this treasury of dainties; and then what a rare array of disintegrated +meals intoxicated the vision! There was the Athlete of the Dairy, +commonly called Fresh Butter, in his gay yellow jacket, looking wore to +the knife. There was turgid old Brown Sugar, who had evidently heard the +advice, go to the ant, thou sluggard! and, and mistaking the last word +for Sugared, was going as deliberately as possible. There was the +vivacious Cheese, in the hour of its mite, clad in deep, creamy, golden +hue, with delicate traceries of mould, like fairy cobwebs. The Smoked +Beef, and Doughnuts, as being more sober and unemotional features of the +pageant, appeared on either side the remains of a Cold Chicken, as +rendering pathetic tribute to hoary age; while sturdy, reliable Hash and +Fishballs reposed right and left in their mottled and rich brown coats, +with a kind of complacent consciousness of having been created according +to Mrs. GLASS'S standard dictum, First catch your Hair. + +Gospeler SIMPSON, by natural law, alternated from this wonderful +cupboard, very regularly, to another, or sister cupboard, also presided +over by the good old maternal nut-cracker, wherein the energetic pill +lived in its little pasteboard house next door to the crystal palace of +smooth, insinuating castor oil; and passionate fiery essence of +peppermint grew hot with indignation at the proximity of plebeian +rhubarb and squills. In the present case he quietly took his +anti-bilious globule: which, besides being a step in the direction of +removing a pimple from his chin, was also intended as a kind of medical +preparation for his coming services in the Ritualistic Church, where, at +a certain part of the ceremonies, he was to stand on his head before the +Banner of St. Alban and balance Roman candles on his uplifted feet. When +the day had nearly passed, and the Vesper hour for those services +arrived, he performed them with all the less rush of blood to the head +for being thus prepared; yet there was still a slight sensation of +congestion, and, to get rid of this, when he stepped forth from Saint +Cow's in the twilight, it was to take an evening stroll along the shore +of Bumsteadville pond. + +(_To be Continued_.) + + * * * * * + +CONDENSED CONGRESS. + + +SENATE. + +[Illustration 'D'] + +Down again came the furious FRANK. But not the fiery Hun. Mr. STOCKTON +was Frank. He said he represented New Jersey. (Enthusiastic Groans.) The +constituents of New Jersey were a peculiar people. Such was their +depravity that they said they would rather have fifty per cent taken off +their taxes than to receive the speeches of their representatives in +Congress free of charge. Under these circumstances they looked upon the +franking privilege, he regretted to say, as a swindle, and remonstrated +with him, with tears in their expressive and fish-like eyes, against +being hidden by a shower of public documents. The Congressional Globe +made a very inferior article of lamp-lighters, and the proud pigs of New +Jersey declined to fatten upon the Patent Office reports. + +Mr. TIPTON was in favor of the franking privilege. What good would it do +anybody if Congressmen drew postage-stamps in lieu of writing their +names. As for him, he found it much easier to draw postage-stamps than +to write his name, and he was sure that none of them were so lost to a +sense of their own dignity as to pay their own postages, like ordinary +human beings. + +Mr. STEWART said certainly not. The only thing was that there would be +an account kept of the number of postage-stamps they drew, but nobody +knew how often a man used his frank. He himself had been censured for +franking a few tons of pig-iron from Washington to Nevada. But no amount +of postage-stamps would have carried it. + +Mr. DRAKE referred to the darkest hour of the late war, when +postage-stamps were current, and when, if the proposed changes were +effected, they could have made the Post-Office department pay for their +drinks. But in the present state of the South, when the Ku-Klux Klan, in +spite of his most earnest endeavors, refused to kill anybody, he saw no +hope that those golden hours would return. Therefore he thought it best +to cleave to his frank. + + +HOUSE. + +Mr. LOGAN desired to expel WHITTEMORE permanently. WHITTEMORE had really +gone too far, and if they let him in people would consider that they +were no better, and institute investigations of a disagreeable nature +into the conduct of Congress generally. Of course the House had a right +to expel him. It had a right to expel everybody but himself. + +Mr. ELDRIDGE said that directly Mr. LOGAN would be claiming that he--Mr. +ELDRIDGE--ought to be expelled. This would be unpleasant to him. He +would not die in spring-time. + +MR. BUTLER said, in default of getting San Domingo annexed, he would +like to get the patent of a friend of his in Massachusetts extended. + +Mr. FARNSWORTH objected, upon the ground that Mr. BUTLER had received +shekels from the patentee. + +Mr. BUTLER said, if he had, he hadn't so much hair on his face as +FARNSWORTH. + +The Comic Speaker performed a solo on the gavel, and said it was none of +FARNSWORTH'S business anyhow. + +Mr. FARNSWORTH said Mr. BUTLER had got $2,000, and hadn't earned it. + +Mr. BUTLER said Mr. FARNSWORTH was a coward and an assassin. + +The Comic Speaker said he rather thought FARNSWORTH was a coward, but +assassin was unparliamentary. + +Mr. FARNSWORTH said the evidence showed that BUTLER was on one side +before he got a fee, and on the other afterwards. + +Mr. BUTLER said there was nothing green in his eye. As for FARNSWORTH, +nobody would ever pay him $2000 for anything. + +The Comic Speaker said that all Mr. FARNSWORTH'S remarks were perfectly +shocking. As for Mr. BUTLER, his conduct was admirable. + +Mr. SCHENCK saw that the interest was absorbed by FARNSWORTH and BUTLER, +and tried to divert it by getting up a little shindy with LOGAN. He said +LOGAN wanted everything done in LOGAN'S way, when notoriously everything +ought to be done in SCHENCK'S way. + +Mr. LOGAN said SCHENCK had led the House by the nose for four weeks. Now +he proposed to lead it for a few days himself--by the ear. + +The Comic Speaker said he liked to see this. It made things lively for +the boys. He hoped SCHENCK and LOGAN would keep on. But they didn't; and + +Mr. DAWES said he had charged some time ago that the expenses of the +Government had increased. He wished to take that back. It seemed there +had been an error in the accounts. The Government had made a mistake +against itself of seventy-six millions, and another in favor of itself +of seventy-seven millions. Both added together made more than a hundred +and fifty millions, which would reduce the expenses below those of the +traitor, murderer, viper, and unpleasant person known as ANDREW JOHNSON. + + * * * * * + +CURRENT FABLES. + +THE BULLS AND THE BEAVERS. + + +The Lion claimed dominion over all the beasts wherever they were found, +but some of them were rebellious. Among the malcontents were the Bulls, +part of whom inhabited a pasture so rich that it was called the Green +Isle, while others lived in a charming country with "the best government +the world ever saw," owned and occupied by the Eagles. Adjoining the +latter was a colony of quiet and inoffensive Beavers. The Bulls, angry +at the Beavers for their humble submission to the rule of the remote +Lion, resolved to make war upon them. Accordingly, those Bulls who lived +in the Land of the Eagles proceeded to invade the colony, intending to +dispossess the Beavers and form a government of their own. But the +Eagles had a reasonable degree of respect for the Lion, not so much on +account of his individual strength, which was comparatively trivial, but +because he was the ruler of all manner of beasts. So their leader, after +making the second memorable speech of his life, in which he said "The +Eagles is at peace with the Lion," despatched a little Eaglet to arrest +the progress of the Bulls. This messenger, flying to the edge of the +Beaver's colony, caught and confined in a prison the leader of the +Bulls, who, as he was being conducted to jail, cried out, "Verily it is +not the strength of the individual, but the number of his supporters, +which is the measure of his power." + + * * * * * + +THERMOMETRICAL. + +In the present torrid state of the weather, can the Oriental +craftsmanship lately introduced here be properly termed Coolie labor? + + * * * * * + +THEATRICAL NOTE. + +The OATES troupe now performing at the Olympic Theatre must not be +confounded with the Horse Opera. + + * * * * * + +BETTER LATE THAN NEVER. + +It occurs in PUNCHINELLO, at this late day, to remark that the friends +of America in England, even in the darkest hours of the rebellion, were +ever disposed to look on the BRIGHT side. + + * * * * * + +POETRY VERSUS PROSE. + +A traveller, who has lately been shipwrecked on the ocean, has a notion +that there is precious little poetry in being Rocked in the cradle of +the deep. + + * * * * * + +THE ONLY GERMAN POET RECOGNIZED IN WALL STREET. + +KOeRNER. + + * * * * * + +FUN AND FIN. + +[Illustration: 'S'] + +Since President GRANT's famous trouting excursion to Pennsylvania, +piscatorial pastimes appear to have become quite the thing among the +magnates of the Government. The following item from Washington, cut from +a morning paper, reads very like a bit of gossip from the history of the +Court of CHARLES II: + +"General SPINNER and some of his female Treasury clerks went to the +Great Falls to-day to catch black bass." + +Redolent of all that is rural and sweet, is the idea of SPINNER, +surrounded by a bevy of his "female Treasury clerks," reclining upon a +shady rock just over the Great Falls. We behold SPINNER, with our mind's +eye, "fixing" a bait for one of the lovely young fisherwomen, while half +a dozen of the others are engaged in fanning him and "Shoo-ing" the +flies away from his expressive nose. The picture is a very pretty one, +recalling to mind some brilliant pastoral by WATTEAU. There are numerous +accessories arranged in the foreground, such as hampers of cold chicken +pie, hams of the richest pink and yellow hues, and baskets of champagne, +and it would be interesting to know who pays for all. "Spinning a +minnow," as the anglers term it, for black bass, is a very appropriate +pastime for SPINNER, but, for a fresh-water fisherman, there is +something very Salt Lakey in that arrangement regarding the "female +Treasury clerks." + + * * * * * + +"LOT" ON A LOT OF PROVERBS. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO: One of my friends, who, much to the disgust of his +fellow boarders, is constantly playing an adagio movement in B flat upon +a flute, (that may not be the correct musical term, but no one will ever +know it unless you tell,) informs me that you are astute; another +friend, who makes cigar stumps into chewing tobacco, says, you're "up to +snuff." Assuming the truth of those statements, I apply to you for +information. You have the ability, have you also the inclination, to aid +a poor, weary mariner on the voyage of life, (in the steerage,) who has +been buffeted by reason, tempest-tossed by imagination, becalmed by +fancy, wrecked by stupidity, (other people's,) and is now whirling +helplessly in the Maelstrom of conundrums? (If that doesn't touch your +heart, then has language failed to accomplish the end for which it was +designed--to deceive others.) + +I'm the great American searcher after truth, and, though I've been at +the bottom of every well, except the Artesian ones, I am still a +searcher. Can you refuse to throw a straw to a drowning man, or a crumb +to a starving fellow-creature? Knowing that you have a mammoth heart, +and abundance of straw, and lots of bread, I feel that you cannot. List! +oh, list! and I will my caudal appendage unfold. + +Is enough as good as a feast, if the former is enough of walloping and +the latter is composed of pheasant and champagne? (i.e.: Is real pain as +good as champagne?) TOM ALLEN evidently got enough in his late fight, +but I'm inclined to think that he would rather strain his jaws at a +feast than at a fisticuff. The Young Democracy once got enough staying +out in the cold, but, when some of them were admitted to the feast, they +did not appear to be at all satisfied, but grabbed at the choicest +titbits. + +Is one bird in the hand worth two in the bush, if the one in the hand is +the Police Board, and those in the bush are the Supervisorship and the +Health Board? And suppose you've succeeded in getting your fingers on +those in the bush, wouldn't you try to make a haul? Why, I can imagine a +man who might have the Governor's place in hand, and yet consider one +bird in the bush better, if that bird could sing an old tune called +White House. + +How can it be possible that this world is all a fleeting show? I've +visited a great many shows, and have found that all of them are +conducted on the same principle. You pay your money at the door, sit +undisturbed through the performance, unless some junk-man should take to +junketing, and get out easily, the proprietor in fact seeming rather +glad to get rid of you. But when you enter the world, you pay nothing, +on your way through it you pay constantly, and getting out of it--at the +present prices of coffins and bombazines--is one of the most expensive +things on record. + +Why mustn't you look a gift horse in the mouth, if you are prudent +enough to do it on the sly? Besides, don't everybody look in the horse's +mouth, as soon as the giver has departed? Suppose you're patriotic, and +offer your son to Uncle SAM as a gift, to use in his civil service, +isn't Mr. JENCKES's bill designed as a means of looking into your son's +mouth? Maybe it's to find out if he's a public cribber. What I want to +know is, does this prohibition apply to donkeys? + +What possible connection can there be between doing handsome and being +handsome? Now there's BROWN, who persuaded me, on or about black Friday, +to buy his gold at the highest figures, and thus did a very handsome +thing (for himself), but he is still the ugliest looking man in our +street. + +If it be true, as stated in "The Gates Ajar," that there will be pianos +in heaven, haven't the men who learned harp-making, on the theory that +it was a permanent business, been grossly deceived, and haven't they an +action for damages against somebody, if they can find out who it is? + +If all the world's a stage, what are cars? I admit that all Broadway is +a stage, but is it at all probable that GOV. HOFFMAN vetoed the Arcade +railroad bill on that account? Besides, if all the world's a stage, why +should the men who carry passengers care about the duty on steel rails? + +Is it true that a man must not laugh at his own jokes? Don't you suppose +that the man who invented the _canard_ about the Jews in Roumania is +laughing at the squabble which he has raised between the Associated +Press and the American Press Association, by means of his little joke? +And don't you suppose, when the returns of the last election came in, +that Mr. TWEED laughed very vigorously at his little joke, called the +new election law? If Congress should keep on joking for the rest of the +session, and, as a result, the Republican party should be turned out of +power, don't you suppose that the members will laugh--on the other side +of their mouths? + +There is a certain saying, which everybody retails, about the kind of +people who tell the truth. Now I always tell the truth. I'm exactly like +GEORGE WASHINGTON. If I had cut down the cherry tree, and my stern +parent had appeared upon the scene with a rawhide and asked me who did +it, I should have instantly replied, the hatchet. But I am not a child. +Can it be that I am the other thing? + +Now, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, can you do those sums? I have tried them in every +possible way. I have let X equal the unknown quantity, but I don't know +Y. If you can solve the problems, will you send me the answers by the +first post? + +Yours, + +LOT. + +[Our correspondent seems to labor under the impression that we are a +primary arithmetic, or a dictionary, or a conundrum book. We regret his +mistake, and can simply say that we are nothing of the sort. Any +reasonable conundrums, such as, How old is the world? How many +individuals is Mrs. BRIGHAM YOUNG? What becomes of the Fenian money? +When will Cuba be free? we would willingly answer, but our correspondent +cannot expect us to solve problems which are as old as BARNUM said JOYCE +HETH was. He should be able to see such things as others see them. They +are the unwritten law, and PUNCHINELLO does not propose to alter them.] + + * * * * * + +CONCERNING THE METHODIST BOOK CONCERN. + + 'Tis well enough that GOODENOUGH + Dr. LANAHAN should teach, + That, sure enough, there's law enough + Such slanderers to reach. + + But, like enough, this GOODENOUGH + Dr. LANAHAN may impeach, + And prove enough that's bad enough + To justify his speech. + + * * * * * + +UNKIND. + +TOODLES made a solemn vow the other day, in presence of MUGGINS, that he +"would never shave until he had paid off his debts," but MUGGINS, in +relating the fact, said simply that "TOODLES had concluded to wear a +full beard the rest of his life." + + * * * * * + +THE POEMS OF THE CRADLE. + +Old Mother Hubbard + +GENTLE READER: You have a soul for poetry. Even when an infant, and in +your cradle, you had a soul for poetry. You were not aware of it at this +early stage, but your mother--if you had one--was. With what fond +alacrity did she hasten to your cradle-side, when some wicked little pin +was trying to insinuate itself into your affections much against your +inclination, and soothe you with the pleasing strains of Mother Goose. +And how your eyes brightened and your little feet and hands commenced +playing tag, when you heard the wonders of Mother Goose extolled in +pretty verse. Ah! those were the days of romance. I will leave them now, +to search for the hidden beauties of one of your childhood's melodies, +the eventful career of Mother HUBBARD and her dog. + +I will begin with the opening Canto of the poem, and limit myself, for +the present, with detailing the beauties of its many incidents. + +CANTO I. + + Old Mother Hubbard + Went to the Cupboard + To get her poor dog a bone; + When she got there + The Cupboard wan bare. + And so the poor dog had none! + +Now, Kind Reader, follow closely whilst I display the hidden beauties of +Canto First. You will notice that the author, who now sleeps with the +unnumbered dead--a presumption on my part--has no dedication, no +introduction, no preface. He scorned a dedication, that misnomer for +gratuitous advertising. He wanted no patron, no Lord or Count somebody +or other, who might, perhaps, insure the sale of one more copy. No. He +determined to paddle his own canoe. And he did, you bet.--He wrote no +preface. What was it to the public how many ancient authors he had +ransacked to obtain ideas for his poem? What was it to the public how +many noble minds he had associated with him to help him in his laborious +work? What would the public care about his intentions to have his book +in such a form, to appear at such a date, or to be sold for such a +price? What would be the use of apologizing to the public for his many +weak points, when he thought that he knew more than they? On the +contrary, he very naturally determined that if his Poem, wasn't +readable, it would not be read, and a Preface of ignorance would make +the matter no better.--He kept clear of the folly of an Introduction-a +something which a writer gets up just to keep his hand in, perhaps, or +to tell the reader that _he_ knows all about it!--The empty dishes on +the banquet-board: no one cares for them. + +Our felicitous Author, throwing aside all these traditional +idiosyncrasies, launches boldly into the billowy sea of his +idea-scattered brain[A], and in his very first line gives a full, +concise description of the heroine, Mrs. HUBBARD; and having finished +her description, enumerates, as was meet, the peculiarities, and, I +might say, dogmatic tendencies, of the hero of the tail, Herr Dog! [He +(not H.D., but the Author) says "Old Mother HUBBARD."] Here is +simplicity for you! Here is brevity! "Old Mother HUBBARD!" How sweetly +it sounds; how nicely the words fit each other! What an immense range of +thought he must have who first said "Old Mother HUBBARD." Less gifted +authors of the present would rejoice exceedingly, could they do +likewise. Ah!--and a spark of enthusiasm lightens up your countenance, +[Highfalutin,]--they have no HUBBARD. And if they had they would +commence with a minute detail of how old she was, how venerable she was, +what kind of a mother she was, whose mother she was, and all about her +aunt's family. + +Alas! for the fallen state of our Literature, which tells you +everything, and leaves you nothing to guess at, lest you might not guess +correctly. Well, as I previously observed, the author says "Old Mother +HUBBARD." He must have been correct. You know how it is yourself. + +This felicitous writer then proceeds, and in the next line gives vent to +his pent-up feelings thusly: "Went to the Cupboard." "Went!" What a +happy expression! How appropriate! Besides, it supplies a deficiency +which would have occurred had it been left out. "Went!" There's Saxon +for you. Our happy author, overburdened by his transcendent imagination, +has not the evil propensity of thrusting upon his reader the mode of how +she went; but, noble and manly as he was, he leaves it to you and to me +how she went! + +Here is a vast range for your imagination. Give your fancy wings. One +may think she waddled; another that she rambled. One may say she +preambulated; another that she pedalated.[B] One may remark that she +crutchalated; [C] but all must concede that she "went". Now whither did +she "went"? Ah! methinks your brain is puzzled. Why, she "went to the +Cupboard," says our author, who, perhaps, just then took a ten-cent nip. +She did not go around it, or about it, or upon it, or under it. She did +not let it come to her, but she went herself to the above-mentioned and +fore-named Cupboard. + +Now, when a woman undertakes to do a thing, she has always a reason for +her undertaking; argoul, as my friend, the grave-digger, said, the +heroine of this Epic must have had an object in view. Otherwise, what +would take her to the Cupboard? She was evidently a strong-minded woman, +and would not fritter away her valuable time for nothing. To the +Cupboard she went "to get her poor dog a bone," says the author, +following out the logical sequence of the plot. The hero of the tail was +not in the Cupboard. Of course not. The "bone" was there. Ah! but _was_ +the bone there? The sequel will show. + +Just imagine the mild complacency, the unutterable sympathy, the +affectionate lovingness of the heroine for her hero! And with what +gentle expression she speaks of him--"her poor dog." Verily, must there +have been an abyss of kindly feeling in that Old Dame's large heart for +her poor dog! + +But alas! for human care and anxiety. Away ye smiles and hopes. + + "L'homme propose, mais Dieu dispose."[D] + +In other words, when she got there, to the Cupboard, and peered into its +dark recesses, and searched the hidden corners of its many shelves, "the +Cupboard was bare." + +Alack-a-day for Mr. D.! When he saw his kind mistress toddling along to +the receptacle of many a remnant of many a luxurious feast, he was, +perchance, filled with affection. Melting tears came to his eyes, and +poured, like a cataract, down his noble cheeks. Would it do to have his +loving mistress witness the outburst of his long pent-up feelings? Alas! +No. He must hide his tears. He tore his tail from the wag which was +about to seize it, and gently wiped away his tears! Poor fellow! Your +heart warms towards him, and you stretch out your hands to embrace him, +or to kiss him for his mother, perhaps. How must the author have felt? +If there was one grain of compassion in him, he would feel as I do, as +you do, as we all do, and trust that the loving affection of that poor +dog would be amply repaid by the promised "bone." + +The decrees of Fate are inexorable, however. When she went to the +Cupboard, the Cupboard was bare; had not even one bare bone, and so that +poor heroic dog "had none." [Very long O.] I pity him truly, and fain +would shed tears of grief over his melancholy affliction, if I wasn't so +awfully warm. For was never dog so disappointed as this dog. "Nev-a-r-e, +by all-l-l that's h-h-holy-y-y-e-e."[E] + +Not wishing to be an unwilling witness to the sad scene which was +enacted between these two loving creatures on the disappointment of +their fondest hopes, I will draw the curtain, and leave them, solitary +and alone--alone with themselves, and with no aching eye to witness +their grief, to give vent to their heart-bursting anguish. + +The author did wisely and well to close the Canto. + +Let us have--a rest! + +[Footnote A: Original. By GUM.] + +[Footnote B: Copyright for sale for all the States.] + +[Footnote C: Ditto.] + +[Footnote D: This is French--H. D.] + +[Footnote E: Quotation from XII T.] + + * * * * * + +STANDARD LITERATURE. + +A writer in the _Standard_, thinking that the title Society for the +Prevention of Cruelty to Animals is clumsy on account of its length, +proposes that it be changed to Animalthropic Society. It is not likely +that Mr. BERGH, who has some reputation for scholarship, will adopt a +suggestion in which a bit of Greek is brought in "wrong end foremost," +unless, indeed, his well-known partiality for the canine creature might +induce him to look with favor upon a compound so manifestly of the "dog +Greek" description. + + * * * * * + +QUERY + +Might not the child's new-fangled humming-top, which is advertised to +dance sixty seconds, be said to dance a minuet? + + * * * * * + +CHEERFUL FOR SHOEMAKERS. + +WESTON'S great Feat. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR MUSEUM OF THE FUTURE + +_Learned Professor._ "THESE ARE THE RESTORED REMAINS OF A NOBLE CREATURE +LONG SINCE EXTERMINATED BY THE SAVAGES OF PESTILENT INSECTS KNOWN AS +POLY TICKS."] + + * * * * * + +DESULTORY HINTS AND MAXIMS FOR ANGLERS. + +When you see "excellent trouting in a romantic mountain district" +advertised in the papers, go somewhere else. + +On arriving where you have reason to believe trout exist, inquire of +some rural angler which are the best brooks, and fish exclusively in +those he runs down. + +In making a cast, throw your line as far as you can. The biggest fish +are usually obtained from the long Reaches. + +Never angle under a blistering sun, nor with Spanish flies. + +Keep as far as possible from the brook. If the trout see you they will +connect you with the rod, in which case you will find it difficult to +connect them with the line. + +Many anglers fish up stream, but the surest way to secure a mess of +trout is with the Current. + +Take some agreeable stimulant with you to the water-side. You will find +it a great assistance when Reeling in. + +One of the best places for obtaining the speckled prey is under a +Waterfall--but you needn't mention this fact to the ladies. + +When a brook divides among the trees, angle in the main stream, not in +the Branches. + +In playing a trout under the willows, be very careful, or you may get +Worsted among the Osiers. + +When you land a two-pound trout (which you never will,) double the +weight, else what's the use of having a Multiplier. + +If you wish to take anything heavy you must walk right into the water. +The regular Sneezers are generally caught in this way. + +The experienced angler goes forth expecting nothing, and is rarely +disappointed. + +Superstitious Piscators have great faith in the Heavenly Signs, but +often fail to find a Sign of a Fish under the fishiest sign of the +Zodiac. + +Avoid water-courses infested with saw-mills. These dammed streams seldom +contain many trout. + +To jerk a fish out of the water with a wire is even more despicable than +political wire-pulling. + +A rod should never consist of more than three sections, and the angler +should look well to his joints after a wetting, as they are apt to swell +and stiffen in the Sockets. + +Rise early if you would have good sport. Should you feel sleepy +afterwards, the river has a Bed that you can easily get into. + +Catching trout is strictly a summery pleasure, and when indulged in at +any other season should be visited by Summary punishment. + +There are numerous treatises on angling, but in "JOHN BROWN'S Tract" the +youthful Piscator will find the best of Guides. + +It often happens that trout do not begin to bite till late in the day, +in which case it is advisable to make the most of the _commencement de +la Fin._ + +As the culture of fish is now engaging the attention of philanthropists, +it is probable that the superior varieties will hereafter be found in +Schools, where, of course, the Rod will be more profitably employed than +in Whipping (under present circumstances,) "the complaining brooks that +keep the meadows green." + + * * * * * + +LOVE IN A BOARDING-HOUSE. + + Miss SARAH SAGOE'S boarding-house--I recommend her steaks; + Two plates of pudding she allows, and--oh! what buckwheat cakes! + We're all so very fond of them, (we deprecate the grease,) + But we'd a greater fondness for Miss SARAH SAGOE'S niece. + + In heavenly blue her eyes surpassed--the milk; "her teeth were pearl." + That's BROWN! Poetic genius, BROWN, (devoted to that girl.) + JOE TROTT to flowers took; SAWTELL, and PETERS to croquet; + GREEN thrumbed guitar; while as for me, I sighed and pined away. + + Not one but lost his appetite--at no less price for board. + Meanwhile this heartless ARABELLE, by all of us adored, + Gives out that she's to marry a rich broker from New York; + We heard the news at dinner--down dropped each knife and fork. + + We're glad our eyes are open now, though every one's a dupe, + 'Tis queer we didn't see before how she dipped up the soup; + And, now I think it over, I wonder man could wish + To win that hand unmerciful that so harpooned the fish. + + "That vulgar girl," as JOE TROTT says, "a helpmeet fine will make"-- + She never failed to help herself most handsomely to steak; + The pudding holds out better now that she is gone away-- + And it's consolation precious that I've not her board to pay. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +THE WEDDING RING AGAIN. + +AS PUNCHINELLO WOULD HAVE IT WORN. + +(_Suggested by an Indignant Sister of Sorosis._)] + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +[Illustration 'M'] + +Manager DALY found _Frou Frou_ so popular, that he has given us a second +dose of M. SARDOU'S Dramatic Mixture, three times stronger than the +first, and warranted to restore the moral tone of all repentant Pretty +Waiter Girls. The label borne by the new Mixture is "_Fernande_," but as +"CLOTILDE," and not "FERNANDE," is the principal ingredient, the name is +obviously ill-selected. Though the materials were imported from the +celebrated Parisian laboratory of M. SARDOU, the Mixture in its present +form was prepared "_in vacuo_" by two dramatic chemists of this city, +and ought properly to bear their name. As compared with _Frou Frou_, it +is much more palatable, and far more powerful, and there is no reason to +suppose that it contains anything deleterious to the moral health of the +play-goer. An analysis made by order of PUNCHINELLO shows that it +consists of the following materials, combined in the following +proportions: + +ACT I.--_Scene, a Gambling-House. Enter_ M. POMMEROL, _a benevolent +lawyer._ + +POMMEROL. "I am a lawyer with an enormous practice. Having nothing +whatever to do, I came here to find FERNANDE, the pretty waiter girl. +Here comes my cousin CLOTILDE. She is an angel of virtue and the +mistress of my friend ANDRE. What can she want here?" + +CLOTILDE. "My carriage has just run over a young girl, who lives here. +As the horses trampled upon her for some time, I came to see if she had +sustained any inconvenience." + +POMMEROL. "CLOTILDE, this girl is named FERNANDE. She is as bad as she +can well be, therefore I implore you to take her home with you and adopt +her. Will you do it?" + +CLOTILDE. "Of course I will. Who could refuse such a trifling request! +But look, here come the people of the house." + +_Enter various gamblers and disreputable women, who conduct themselves +with appropriate freedom from the restraints of conventionality._ +FERNANDE, _who is too lachrymose to be a cheerful feature, is wisely +placed on guard at the outer door. The company proceed to play at faro, +the bank being the loser. There is a false alarm of police, and the game +is suddenly stopped. The Banker, being naturally indignant, attempts to +relieve his mind by punching_ FERNANDE's _head. Heroic interference by_ +POMMEROL, _and consequent tableau. Curtain._ + +SATIRICAL PERSON, _to one of the ushers._ "Will you tell me what street +this house is in?" + +USHER. "Twenty-fourth street, sir." + +SATIRICAL PERSON. "All right. You see I came up in a University Place +car, and I was beginning to think, after having seen that last scene, +that I had made a mistake, and gone down town instead of up town." + +RESPECTABLE LADY, _to female friend._ "Isn't it shockingly improper! But +then it is so interesting, and it is really one's duty to know how those +creatures conduct themselves when they are at home." + +ACT II.--_Scene,_ CLOTILDE's _Garden._ CLOTILDE _soliloquizes as +follows:_ + +CLOTILDE. "I have adopted FERNANDE and shall call her MARGUERITE. ANDRE +has deceived me, and I will test his love at once." (_Enter_ ANDRE.) + +CLOTILDE. "ANDRE, I think we have made a mistake in fancying ourselves +in love. Would you like to leave me?" + +ANDRE. "My dearest friend, I really think I should. You see I have just +fallen in love with an innocent little angel. By Jove! there she is. +Tell me her name." + +CLOTILDE. "That is MARGUERITE, a protege of mine. You shall marry her. +Go and make love to her." (_He goes._) + +CLOTILDE. "The base wretch deserts me. I will proceed to become a +tigress. I will marry him to FERNANDE, and then tell him what a base +wretch she is. We'll see how he will like that. He thinks her innocent! +Ha! ha! (_Aside._--On reflection she is innocent according to this +version of the play; but SARDOU told the truth about her, and I will act +on the supposition that she is a wretch.) That will be a fit revenge, +and I can't do better than rave about it for a while." (_Raves +accordingly until the curtain falls._) + +COLD-BLOODED CRITIC. "I have never seen a finer piece of acting than +that of Miss MORANT in the last scene. But then her revenge becomes +absurd when you reflect that FERNANDE is just what ANDRE fancies her, an +innocent girl. That is a fair specimen of the way in which American +writers adapt French plays. They sacrifice probability to prudery." + +FASHIONABLE LADY. "How sweetly penitent FERNANDE looks in her black +dress. I hope she will be innocent enough to wear white in the next act. +One shouldn't give way to repentance or grief for too long a time. Now +when my husband died I was in the deepest grief for six months, and then +slipped into half mourning so gradually that no one noticed the change." + +ACT III. FERNANDE _and_ CLOTILDE _are discovered discussing the question +of_ FERNANDE's _wedding outfit._ + +FERNANDE. "But does ANDRE know how naughty I behaved when I was an +innocent girl in a gambling-house?" + +CLOTILDE. "He does, my dear, but you mustn't speak of it to him," + +FERNANDE. "I will write to him then, and confess all. There isn't +anything to confess, but still I am determined to confess it." + +CLOTILDE. "Write if you choose. (_Aside._ I will put the letter in a +lamp-post box, so that he will never get it. On second thought I will +keep it. Some day I might want to use it.") + +FERNANDE _writes the letter and_ CLOTILDE _confiscates it._ ANDRE, +POMMEROL _and a variety of people come and go and talk of a variety of +things. Finally_ FERNANDE _and_ ANDRE _are led out to marriage, and the +dread ceremony is perpetrated. Curtain._ + +The fourth act opens with a pleasant family party at the house of the +newly married couple. The company play at that singular game of cards so +popular on the stage, in which everybody plays out of turn, and nobody +ever takes a trick. Finally they all go to bed except ANDRE, who goes to +sleep in his chair, as is doubtless the custom with newly-married +Frenchmen. Presently CLOTILDE enters through a secret door and wakes him +up. + +ANDRE. "My dear CLOTILDE, you really mustn't. Think what my wife would +say. So innocent an angel would suspect there was something wrong in +your visiting me at midnight." + +CLOTILDE. "Base villain, you have deserted me. Now I am revenged. Your +wife was once a pretty waiter-girl and her name is FERNANDE. Call her +and ask her if I speak the truth." (_He calls her._) + +ANDRE. "Is your name FERNANDE? Ah, I see by the disorder of your back +hair that CLOTILDE's story is too true. Wretched girl, why did you not +tell me all before I married you?" + +FERNANDE. "Spare me. I was a pretty waiter-girl, but I wrote you a +letter and confessed my innocence." + +(_She faints on a worsted ottoman, while her husband raves like an_ +OTTOMAN _who has been worsted in a difficulty with an intruder into his +harem.) Enter_ POMMEROL. + +POMMEROL. "She speaks the truth. Here is her written confession. I took +it out of CLOTILDE's pocket. I will read it." (_Reads it._) + +FERNANDE. "You hear it? I confessed all my innocence. If you did not get +it, blame the post-office authorities, but do not throw the poker at +me." + +ANDRE. "FERNANDE! My love! My wife! Come back, and I will forgive your +innocence!" (_Tableau._) _Curtain._ + +RESPECTABLE MATRON. "Well, I will say that of all indecent plays this is +the worst. It isn't half as nice as that pretty _Frou-Frou_. The idea of +that miserable ANDRE forgiving such a hussy as his wife!" + +From which virtuous and venomous opinion the undersigned begs to differ. +The play is simply superb, in spite of the faults of the translation. It +is shocking only to the most prurient of prudes; and in point of +morality is infinitely better than _Frou-Frou_. And then it is played as +it ought to be. Miss MORANT is magnificent, Mr. LEWIS is immensely +funny, and Messrs. CLARKE and HASKINS are equal to whatever is required +of them. If _Frou-Frou_ ran a hundred nights, _Fernande_ ought to run +five hundred. And that it may is the sincere hope of + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +A NEW MUSICAL SENSATION. + +It is stated that the Oneida Indians have organized a cornet band. This +new combination of Copper and brass will doubtless have a very pleasing +effect. + + * * * * * + +THE WATERING PLACES. + +PUNCHINELLO'S VACATIONS. + +Last week Mr. PUNCHINELLO took a run over to Saratoga. He bought +DISRAELI'S new novel to read in the cars, and he very soon made up his +mind that if the book correctly described the tone of society in +England, it is safe to say that it is low there. + +Reaching the town of merry Springs and doleful Swallows, Mr. P. went +straight to the house of the good LELANDS. When he got there he was +amazed--he couldn't believe that that grand palace was the old "Union." +But he soon reflected that it was the fashion, now-a-days, to +reconstruct old Unions of every kind, and so it wasn't so surprising to +his mind after he had got through with his reflections. But he couldn't +help hoping that the fellows down at Washington, who were also at work +on an old Union, would turn out as good a job as the LELANDS had. As +soon as he got inside, Mr. P. summoned his friend WARREN, that they +might consult together about his accommodations. There were plenty of +vacant rooms, but Mr. P. made up his mind that he would prefer to take +one of those delightful cottages in the court-yard. One of these was so +much more gorgeous than the others, that Mr. P. chose it on the spot. + +"Ah!--yes--" quoth the gentle WARREN, "I should be delighted, I'm sure, +but that cottage is reserved especially for the Empress EUGENIE, who, +you know, is expected here daily." + +"Indeed!" said Mr. P. "If she is coming so soon, I could not, of course, +keep it very long. So tell me, my good friend, for what trifling sum +will you let me have this cottage till the Empress comes?" + +Mr. LELAND gazed earnestly at Mr. P., and asked him what he thought of +the Chinese question; and whether he believed that this would be a good +year for corn. Then Mr. P. struck a bargain for a back-room in the +seventh story of the right-hand tower. + +Early the next morning Mr. P., like a conscientious man as he is, went +to drink of the waters of the place. He had a strong belief, based upon +experience, that he would not fancy any of the old springs, and so he +tried a new one--the "Geyser." + +Mr. P. stayed a good while at the Geyser. There happened to be a young +lady there who insisted upon helping him to the water with her own lily +hands--the boy might dip it up, but she _must_ hand it to him--and she +had such a way with her that he drank fifty-one glasses. When he came +back to the hotel, and the good WARREN asked him what was the matter, he +merely remarked: + +"I'm a quiz, LELAND. If you choose, you may call me a Guy, sir." + +Mr. P. got himself analysed that day by Dr. ALLEN, and he was found to +consist principally of carbonate of Lime; Silicate of Potassa; Iodide of +Magnesia; and Chloride of Sodium; with a strong trace of Sulphate of +Strontia. + +At night, however, he was able to attend the hop in the grand saloon. +For a time Mr. P. danced with one girl right along. A pretty girl she +was, too, and the style of her dress showed very plainly that it was +EUGENIE she was hoping to see at Saratoga, and not Madame OLLIVIER. +Well, she had not danced with Mr. P. more than a couple of hours when +she left him for a Pole--one of these wandering Counts that you always +see at such places--a regular hop-Pole, in fact. Mr. P. got very angry +at this insult, and if he had had his way he would have had the fellow +partitioned off--like his beloved country. He was so wrathy, indeed, +that when the hop was over he started on an Arctic expedition, but he +had the same luck as KANE, HALL, and the other fellows. + +He never saw that Pole. + +After this, Mr. P. thought he would keep away from the ladies--but it +was of no use to think. There is a _something_ about Mr. +PUNCHINELLO--but it matters not--suffice it to say that he went out +buggy riding the next day with ANNA DICKINSON on the Lake road. The +horse he drove had belonged to LEONARD JEROME--he was out of "Cash" by +"Thunder," and he had sold him to the livery-man here. He was called a +"two-forty," but when he began to go, Mr. P. was of the opinion that a +musician would have considered his style entirely too _forte_. They had +not ridden more than half way to BARHYTE'S, before Mr. P. began to feel +his arm bones coming out. But the "Princess of the Platform" was +delighted. + +"Why, you're a capital fellow, Mr. PUNCHINELLO," she cried. "There's +nothing slow or fogeyish about you. You ought to be on the _Revolution_, +now that TILTON is putting live people there." + +"I shall be a tiltin' myself, and on a revolution too," said Mr. P., "if +this confounded horse don't slack up." + +"Why, what do you mean?" said Miss D. + +"I mean we shall upset," said he. + +"He's got his head too much your side," screamed Miss D. "Hadn't you +better pull on the left string?" + +"No, I hadn't," yelled Mr. P., as the horse commenced to run. + +"But _I_ think you had," cried she. "Don't you believe that women are +naturally as capable of understanding and determining what laws will be +as equitable, and what measures as effective to those ends, as men?" + +"No, I don't!" cried Mr. P., sawing away at the horse's mouth, and +beginning to make a little impression upon it. + +"You should pull that left leather string!" she cried again. "Don't I +know? How dare you make sex a ground of exclusion from the possession +and exercise of equal rights!" and with this, she made a grab at the +left rein. + +It is of no use entering into further particulars of this ride. Towards +evening, Mr. P. and his companion returned to Saratoga and delivered to +the livery-man his equipage--that is, what was left of it. + +That evening, Mr. P. was sitting in his room, very busy over a new +conundrum for his paper. He had got the answer all right, but to save +his life, he could not get a question to suit it. While he was thus +puzzling his brains, there came a knock at the door, and to him entered +the Hon. JOHN MORRISSEY. + +"Good evenin', P.," says JOHN, taking, at the same time, a seat, and one +of Mr. P.'s _Partagas_. "I want you to do something for me." + +"And what is it?" said Mr. P., with a benevolent smile. + +"Why, you see," said the Hon. JOHN, "I'm very busy just now--the +commencement of the season, you know--and I would like you to serve in +my place for a while." + +"Why, Congress will soon adjourn now!" said Mr. P. + +"Oh, yes!" said MORRISSEY, "but I'm on a committee which must serve in +the recess. Me and BILL KELLEY are the two chaps appointed as a +committee to weigh all the pig-iron that has been imported in the last +year, and to see if the gover'ment hasn't been swindled, in either the +deal or the play. Now you see that ain't in my line at all, and as soon +as I heard you were here, I thought you were the man to take my place." + +"I'm sorry," said Mr. P., "but really, JOHN, I haven't the time. It's a +sort of committee of ways and means, isn't it?" + +"Well," said JOHN, "a fellow weighs, that's true; and the whole business +is mean enough. But if you can't take hold of it, we'll say no more +about it. Come on down with me to my place and have some supper." + +"Your place!" said Mr. P. "Have you a place here?" + +"Yes, _sir_," said the Congressman, "a bully club-house, and it's paid +for too; and if you'll come along I'll give you a hearty welcome and +some good cigars--and not dime ones, either," added he, throwing away +the greater part Mr. P.'s _Partaga_. + +The personal property of Mr. PUNCHINELLO consisted principally of U. S. +5.20 coupon bonds of 1868; Chicago and Northwestern--preferred; Hannibal +and St. Joseph--1st mortgage bonds; a heavy deposit of bullion, mostly +gold bars; and Ashes in inspection ware-house, both pots and pearls. + +When, early the next morning, he left the club-house of his friend, the +Congressman, he was still the proud owner of his Ashes--both pots and +pearls. + +Saratoga is too expensive a place for a long sojourn, and Mr. P. left +the next day. + + * * * * * + +COMIC ZOOLOGY. + +ORDER, PACHYDERMATA.--THE RHINOCEROS. + +There are several species of the Rhinoceros, some of which have one +horn, like a Unicorn, others two, like a Dilemma. All the varieties are +as strictly vegetarian as the late SYLVESTER GRAHAM, but their fondness +for a botanic diet may be ascribed to instinct, rather than reflection, +as they are not ruminating animals. The most formidable of the tribe is +the Black Rhinoceros of Equatorial Africa, which is particularly +dangerous when it turns to Bay. Though dull of eye and ear, this +ponderous beast will follow a scent with wonderful tenacity, and the +promptness with which it makes its tremendous charges has earned for it, +among European hunters, the sobriquet of the "Ready Rhino." The fact +that the Black Rhinoceros is armed with two horns, while most of the +white species have but one, may perhaps account for the greater +viciousness of the former--it being generally admitted that the most +ferocious of all known monsters are those which have been furnished with +a plurality of horns. This is the position taken by the famous New +England naturalist, NEAL DOW, in his dissertations on that destructive +Eastern pachyderm, the Striped Pig, and it seems to be fully borne out +by the history of the great Scriptural Decicorn, as given by the +inspired Zoologist, ST. JOHN. + +We learn from Sir SAMUEL BAKER and other Nimrods of the Ramrod who have +hunted up the Nile, that herds of the Black Rhinoceros are pretty +thickly sprinkled throughout the whole extent of the Nilotic basin, and +especially near the great watershed which forms the primary source of +the mysterious river. The natives of that region universally regard the +creature as a Rum customer, and not having the requisite Spirit to face +it boldly, they set Gins under the Tope trees, at the places where it +comes to drink, and thus effect its destruction. + +As the Rhinoceros, whatever its species, seeks the densest covert, and +its hide is almost impenetrable, it is a difficult animal to bag. Its +peltry being of about the same consistency and thickness as the +vulcanized India Rubber used in cushioning billiard tables, balls often +rebound from it without producing a score. This difficulty may, however, +be obviated--according to Sir SAMUEL BAKER--by firing half-pound shells +from the shoulder, with a rifle of proportionate size, and if the +Sporting Bulletins of that enterprising traveller are not shots with the +long bow, he carried the war into Africa to some purpose, not +unfrequently bagging his Baker's dozen of Rhinoceroses in the course of +forty-eight hours. The African and the Asiatic species bear a general +resemblance to each other, although probably, if placed side by side, +points of difference would be observed between them. + +It is a disputed question among Biblical commentators whether the +Rhinoceros or the Hippopotamus is the Behemoth of Scripture, but as the +Rhinoceros feeds on furze and the Hippopotamus does not, it would seem +that the terminal syllable "moth" more properly applies to the latter. +As numerous fossil remains of the animal have been found from time to +time in the Rhenish provinces of Germany, it is supposed by some +archaeologists that prior to the Noachian Deluge its principal habitat +was the Valley of the Rhine, where it was known as the Rhine-horse. The +"horse," it is alleged, was subsequently corrupted into "hoss," +whereupon the lexicographers, uncertain which of the two renderings was +the true one, called it in their vocabularies the "Rhine horse or hoss," +and thence the present still more senseless corruption, "Rhinoceros." +This is, of course, mere theory, but it is supported by the well +authenticated parallel case of the Nylghau--more properly Nile +Ghaut--which derived its name from the singular fact that it was never +seen by any human being in the neighborhood of the Ghauts of the Nile. +Although the Nile has such a fishy reputation that stories from that +source are generally taken _cum grano salis_, or profanely characterised +(see Cicero) as "_Nihil Tam incredible_," the above statement in +relation to the Nylghau will not be seriously disputed by any well +informed naturalist. + +The general aspect of the Rhinoceros is that of a hog in armor on a +grand scale. The males of the genus are called bulls, but they are more +like boars, with the tusk inverted and transferred by Rhino-plastic +process to the nose. When enraged, the animal exalts its horn and +trumpets like a locomotive, whereupon it is advisable to give it the +right of way, as to face the music would be dangerous. + + * * * * * + +SIC SEMPER E PLURIBUS, ETC. + + Oh, Star-spangled Banner! once emblem of glory, + And guardian of freedom and justice and law, + How bright in the annals of war was thy story! + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + Time was when the nations beheld thee and trembled, + Though now they assure us they don't care a straw + For wrath which they say is but poorly dissembled; + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + They _know_ our best ships are dismantled or rotten, + _We_ know that they'll soon be abolished by law, + And FARRAGUT'S triumphs are nearly forgotten; + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + The soldiers whose best days were spent in our service-- + Whose manhood we claimed as our right by the law, + As paupers must die, since their cost would unnerve us; + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + We look for respect in the eyes of the nations, + And man our defences with soldiers of straw, + To save for vile uses their pay and their rations; + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + With armies reduced, and the ghost of a navy, + Of course we must trust to our ancient _eclat_; + Economy now is the cry, we must save a + Few millions for thieves to steal--_unum go bragh!_ + + "_Sun_" DANA may bluster as much as he pleases-- + Our friend, Mr. FISH, is sustained by the law, + And old Mr. BENNETT just bellows to tease us; + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + There's LOGAN, who once had the heart of a hero-- + Alas! that same heart is now only a craw, + And its vigor has sunk away down below Zero; + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + His action has sadden'd the hearts of more freemen + Than fought under GRANT in defence of the law; + Well--well--never mind--we can boast of our women; + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + The people may some day awake to the notion + That statesmen can tamper too much with the law, + And send them to regions less genial than Goshen; + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR NURSERY-MAIDS. + _Julia._ (_Who has been cautioned not to leave the private park on any + account_.) "WHICH WAY NOW, MARY ANN?" + + _Mary Ann._ "TO THE MILLINER'S. AND YOU?" + + _Julia._ "TO THE DRESSMAKER'S." + + _Mary Ann._ "OH, WHAT BOTHERS CHILDREN IS!"] + + * * * * * + +ON CATS. + +Some cats are black, some brown, some white, some "arf and arf." + +Some cats are gentle, and require a good deal of pinching and +"worriting" to bring them to the scratch, like some persons, who require +to get their dander up before they'll show fight. + +Other cats, however, are very vicious. These, from their spitting +proclivities, might be called Spitfires. I dare say this regards black +cats most, whose backs, when rubbed in the dark, are seen to emit +_sparks_. + +A cat that is good at the spitting business, and well up in the trade, +can do a smart thing or two in the defensive line--as when confronted by +a dog, for instance. If the feline can only keep up a vigorous and well +directed spitting, the canine is almost sure to retreat, with his tail +between his legs, (if it is not too short to get there.) + +Cats are generally considered rat and mouse destroyers. I dare say they +are, though the two I once kept (I drowned them in the cistern) were +more notorious as crockery destroyers than anything else. I thought, on +the whole, that they exterminated more raw beef than rats and mice, so I +consigned them to a watery grave. + +It was a good thing for WHITTINGTON that there are such things as mice, +and cats (if they are not too fat) to destroy them. His cat was truly +worth its weight in gold to him. Such a cat should have been embalmed +for the benefit of posterity. It must have been a noble sight to see the +feline banquetting on the dainty joints of the _mus_ in the Fejee +palace, and WHITTINGTON getting a bag of gold for each victim his +follower devoured. Honor to WHITTINGTON and his Cat! + +Cats are very fond of birds--when they can get 'em, "otherwise not." To +see a cat watching a bird, you would think there was some magnetic +attraction in the love line between them. There may be, _before hand_. +But let the cat once touch its sought-for, and I assure you there is no +love lost. By some accident or other, the little birdie goes down +Grimalkin's throat. + +A cat has nine lives, we are told; something like old METHUSELAH, who, +they declare, got so tired of living that he had to die to get some +relief. I know some ladies who would like to borrow a life or two from +the cat, especially those on the wrong side of the line, as regards +thirty. Owing to the nine lives, a cat may be jerked about pretty +promiscuously from third story windows, _et cetera_. They have a knack +of falling on their feet, which a good many BLONDINS would like to +have--especially when a rope breaks, and when they "a kind of" forget +that "Pride must have a fall." + +Such are a few remarks on Cats of every description. As this ain't a +Prize Essay, I don't give the different species, which are as numerous +as the hairs of my head, and these are now pretty numerous, as I am not +particular about cutting them. + +BILL BISCAY. + + * * * * * + +"DY(E)ING AND SCOURING DONE HERE." + +A Correspondent of one of the daily papers, writing from Athens, on the +subject of the brigandage outrages lately perpetrated in Greece, says +that "the Kingdom is scoured by soldiers." + +That's right. It has long been a very dirty little Kingdom, and a good +scouring by soldiers is the only thing to obliterate the numerous Greece +spots with which it has been tarnished. + + * * * * * + +NOW'S YOUR CHANCE. + +The attention of the New York daily newspapers is called to the fact +that the mosquitoes down in Maine this season are uncommonly large and +extremely numerous. Now, it is well known that fleas can be trained to +do (upon a small scale) many things usually done by human beings; and +why may not the very largest of the mosquitoes be educated to manage the +daily newspapers? How beautifully would they buzz! how venomously would +they bite! how remorselessly would POTT, (of _The Independent_,) let +loose his insect champions upon SLURK, of _The Gazette_! + +P. S. Mr. PUNCHINELLO begs leave to observe that no allusion is here +intended to Mr. TILTON'S _Independent_, which is extremely well supplied +with mosquitoes already. + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +One of the most heart-rending elopements on record is that of MORDECAI +SKAGGS, an Indianian by birth, but a Chicagoan by adoption, who left a +legitimate spouse at Owen, Spencer County, Indiana, and fled with a +beautiful "affinity" toward the "Lake City." The deserted wife, like a +pursuing Nemesis, "went for him." She tracked him from stage to stage of +his journey, and finally overtook the fugitive, but not before he had +"consummated marriage a second time." + +When found, she did not pause "to make a note" of MORDECAI, but seized +him by the beard, very much as OTHELLO did the "uncircumcised Jew;" yet, +not caring to slay him outright, she exploded a pitcher of ice-water +upon his heated brow, and while still clasping his dishevelled locks +pelted the supposed guilty partner of his flight with the fragments of +the broken vessel. But the chief shock of this disaster, to the +unfortunate SKAGGS, occurred in the interval of a brief cessation of +hostilities, when the enraged wife demanded to know of the other woman +why she had thus outraged the sanctity of her domestic altars, and the +"other woman" explained that the too seductive SKAGGS had represented +himself as a single man. Thereupon the two joined forces, and set upon +MORDECAI; pulling his hair out by the roots; scarifying his manly phiz +with their delicate claws; and so marring and disfiguring this +"double-breasted" deceiver that not even the penetration of the maternal +eye could discover in that battered carcass the once familiar lineaments +of a beloved son. + +The thought suggested to PUNCHINELLO by this catastrophe is whether we +may not safely leave the iniquity of Western divorce law to work out its +own salvation, when it provokes the use of such weapons, and makes it +possible for the penalty to follow so closely upon the heels of crime. + + * * * * * + + +A. T. STEWART & Co. + +OFFER A LARGE LOT OF + +JAPANESE POPLINS at 50 cts. per yard; recent price $1. + +LYON'S CHECKED SILKS, SPRING COLORS, $1 per yard; reduced from $1.50 + +LYON'S CHECKED SILKS, SPRING COLORS, $1.25 per yard; reduced from $1.75. + +HEAVY CHINE SILKS, GRISAILLE COLORS, $1.50 per yard; value $2.50. + +An Elegant Assortment of + +Choice Colors In Mozambique Poplins, + +Extra Fine Quality. + +ALSO + +A Variety of Novelties in + +Checked, Striped and Plain-Colored Poulte De Sole, + +Just received per last steamer. + + +BROADWAY, + +4th Ave., 9th and 10th Streets. + + * * * * * + +A. T. Stewart & Co. + +Have just received + +TWO CASES + +Extra Fine Elboeuf Cassimeres, + +The very Latest Paris Novelties. + +BROADWAY, + +4th Ave., 9th and 10th Streets. + + * * * * * + +A. T. Stewart & Co. + +WILL OFFER, + +Prior to taking their Semi-Annual Inventory, + +Extraordinary Bargains + +IN EVERY DESCRIPTION OF + +Silks, Dress Goods, &c., + +BROCHE GRENADINES, 25 cts. per yard; reduced from 40 cts. + +PRINTED ORGANDIES, extra fine, 20 cts. per yard; reduced from 40 cts. + +SHIRTING CAMBRICS, yard wide, only 12-1/2 cts. per yard. + +Llama Lace Shawls, Jackets, Iron +Grenadine Bareges, Real +India Camel's Hair +Shawls. + +_Plain Centres, Wide Borders, only $35 and upward._ + +PARIS MADE + +SILK CLOAKS AND SACQUES, + +Richly Embroidered Breakfast Jackets, &c. + +BROADWAY, + +4th Ave., 9th and 10th Streets. + + * * * * * + +A. T. Stewart & Co. + +Have made still further reductions in + +LADIES' LINEN AND COTTON SUITS, $5 each and upward. + +LAWN WALKING AND EVENING DRESSES, ELEGANTLY TUCKED, PUFFED, AND FLOUNCED, +$10 each upward. + +CHILDREN'S LINEN, LAWN, AND PIQUE SUITS, +TRIMMED OR BRAIDED, $1.50 each upward. + +LADIES' AND CHILDREN'S UNDERWEAR, WEDDING TROUSSEAUX, INFANTS' WARDROBES +BATHING SUITS, BOYS' CLOTHING, LADIES' PARIS AND DOMESTIC-MADE HATS AND +BONNETS, TRIMMED, $3 each upward. UNTRIMMED, $1 each upward. + +Flowers, Feathers, &c. + +_Customers and the residents of the neighboring +cities are respectfully invited to examine._ + +BROADWAY, + +4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO, + +The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly +Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The Press and the Public in +every State and Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper of the +kind ever published in America. + +CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL + +Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) $4.00 + " " six months, (without premium,) 2.00 + " " three months, " " 1.00 +Single copies mailed free, for 10 + +We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S +CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows: + +A copy of paper for one year, and +"The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chrome. Size 8-3-8 by 11-1-8 +($2.00 picture,)--for $4.OO + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $3.00 chromos: + +Wild Roses. 12-1/8 x 9. +Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-5/8 +Easter Morning. 6-2/4 x 10-1/4--for $5.00 + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $5.00 chromos: + +Group of Chickens; Group of Ducklings; Group of Quails. Each 10 x 12-1/8. +The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14. +The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-2/4 x 13. +Pointer and Quail; Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12--for + $6.50 + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $6.00 chromos: + +The Baby in Trouble; The Unconscious Sleeper; The Two Friends. +(Dog and Child.) Each 12-7/8 x 16-1/4. +Spring; Summer; Autumn; 12-7/8 x 16-1/8. +The Kid's Play Ground. 11 x 17-1/2--for $7.00 + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $7.50 chromos: + +Strawberries and Baskets. +Cherries and Baskets. +Currants. Each 13 x 18. +Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4. +Six Central Park Views.(A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2--for $8.00 + +A copy of paper for one year and + +Six American Landscapes. (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00--for + $9.00 + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $10 chromos: + +Sunset in California. (Bierstadt.) 18-1/8 x 12 +Easter Morning. 14 x 21. +Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/2 x 16-3/8. +Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromos,) 15-1/2 x 10/1-2, +together for $10.00 + +Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank Checks on +New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be sent from the first +number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise ordered. + +Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents per +year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS will be _mailed +free_ on receipt of money. + +CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be given. +For special terms address the Company. + +The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the paper +before subscribing for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any one +desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp. + +Address, + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New York. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BY THE SAD SEA WAVES. + +"WANT A NICE PAIR OF BATHING DRAWERS, BOSS?"] + + * * * * * + +PRANG'S CHROMOS are celebrated for their close resemblance to +Old Paintings. Sold in all Art and Bookstores throughout the world. + +PRANG'S LATEST CHROMOS: "Flowers of Hope," "Flowers of Memory." +Illustrated Catalogues sent free on receipt of stamp. + +L. PRANG & CO., Boston. + + * * * * * + +The New York Standard: + +A Daily Morning Newpaper, + +CONTAINING ALL THE NEWS. + +Single Copies, Two Cents. Subscription Price, +Six Dollars a Year. + +Published Every Morning, except Sundays. + +At 34 PARK ROW, by + +JOHN RUSSELL YOUNG. + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO. + +With a large and varied experience in the management and publication of a +paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the still more positive +advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the undertaking, the + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. + +OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, + +Presents to the public for approval, the new + +ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL +WEEKLY PAPER, + +PUNCHINELLO, + +The first number of which was issued under date of April 2. + +ORIGINAL ARTICLES, + +Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive +ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the +day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. + +Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless +postage stamps are inclosed. + +TERMS: + +One copy, per year, in advance $4 00 +Single copies 10 +A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the +receipt of ten cents. +One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other +magazine or paper, price $2.50, for 5 50 +One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for 7 00 + +All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +No. 83 Nassau Street, + +P.O. Box, 2783, New York. + + * * * * * + +"The Printing House of the United States." + +GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., + +General JOB PRINTERS, + +BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, +STATIONERS Wholesale and Retail, +LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers, +COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, +CARD Manufacturers, +ENVELOPE Manufacturers, +FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. + +163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., +73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New-York. + +ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under +immediate supervision of the proprietors. + + * * * * * + +TO NEWS-DEALERS. + +Punchinello's Monthly. + +The Weekly Numbers for June, + +Bound in a Handsome Cover, + +Is now ready. Price Fifty Cents. + + * * * * * + +THE TRADE + +Supplied by the + +AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, + +Who are now prepared to receive Orders. + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +The New Burlesque Serial, + +Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO, + +BY + +ORPHEUS C. KERR, + +Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the year. + +A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, with superb +illustrations of + +1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW +JERSEY. + +2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken as he appears +"Every Saturday," +will also be found in the same number. + + * * * * * + +_Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from this office, +free,) Ten Cents. + +Subscription for One Year, one copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4. + + +Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new serial, which +promises to be the best ever written by ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe +now, to insure its regular receipt weekly. + +We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one who wishes +to see them, in view of subscribing, on the receipt of SIXTY CENTS. + +Address, + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +P. O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau. St., New York. + + * * * * * + +Geo. W. Wheat, Printer, No. 8 Spruce Street. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 15, July 9, +1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, JULY 9, 1870 *** + +***** This file should be named 9797.txt or 9797.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/9/7/9/9797/ + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra +Brown and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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DROOD, + +By ORPHEUS C. KERR, + +Continued in this Number. + + +[Sidenote: See 15th Page for Extra Premiums.] + + * * * * * + +NOW READY. + +The July Number of + +LIPPINCOTT'S MAGAZINE. + +An Illustrated Monthly of + +Literature, Science, and Education. + +Containing Seventeen Valuable and Entertaining Articles. + +NOTICE + +The July number of Lippincott's Magazine commences a New Volume (VI.) +The Publishers will send gratis the May and June Numbers, containing the +first Parts of Anthony Trollope's New Story, "Sir Harry Hotspur." to +parties subscribing before July 1st. $4.00 per annum. 35 cts per number. + +_For Sale at all the Book and News Stores._ + +J. B. LIPPINCOTT & Co., Publishers, + +715 & 717 Market St., Philadelphia. + + * * * * * + +CONANT'S + +PATENT BINDERS + +FOR + +"PUNCHINELLO," + +to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent postpaid on +receipt of One Dollar, by + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +83 Nassau Street, New York City. + + * * * * * + +HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S + +STEEL PENS. + +These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper than any +other Pen in the market. Special attention is called to the following +grades, as being better suited for business purposes than any Pen +manufactured. The + +"505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," + +we recommend for Bank and Office use. + +D. APPLETON & CO., + +Sole Agents for United States. + + * * * * * + +ERIE RAILWAY. + +TRAINS LEAVE DEPOTS + +Foot of Chambers Street + +and + +Foot of Twenty-Third Street, + +AS FOLLOWS: + +Through Express Trains leave Chambers Street at 8 A.M., 10 A.M., 5:30 P.M., +and 7:00 P.M., (daily); leave 23d Street at 7:45 A.M., 9:45 A.M., and 5:15 +and 6:45 P.M. (daily.) New and improved Drawing-Room Coaches will accompany +the 10:00 A.M. train through to Buffalo, connecting at Hornellsville with +magnificent Sleeping Coaches running through to Cleveland and Galion. +Sleeping Coaches will accompany the 8:00 A.M. train from Susquehanna to +Buffalo, the 5:30 P.M. train from New York to Buffalo, and the 7:00 P.M. +train from New York to Rochester, Buffalo and Cincinnati. An Emigrant train +leaves daily at 7:30 P.M. + +FOR PORT JERVIS AND WAY, *11:30 A.M., and 4:30 P.M., (Twenty-third Street, +*11:15 A.M. and 4:15 P.M.) + +FOR MIDDLETOWN AND WAY, at 3:30 P.M.,(Twenty-third Street, 3:15 P.M.); and, +Sundays only, 8:30 A.M. (Twenty-third Street, 8:15 P.M.) + +FOR GREYCOURT AND WAY, at *8:30 A.M., (Twenty-third Street, 8:15 A.M.) + +FOR NEWBURGH AND WAY, at 8:00 A.M., 3:30 and 4:30 P.M. (Twenty-third Street +7:45 A.M., 3:15 and 4:15 P.M.) + +FOR SUFFERN AND WAY, 5:00 P.M. and 6:00 P.M. (Twenty-third Street, 4:45 and +5:45 P.M.) Theatre Train, *11:30 P.M. (Twenty-third Street, *11 P.M.) + +FOR PATERSON AND WAY, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at 6:45, 10:15 and +11:45 A.M.; *1:45 3:45, 5:15 and 6:45 P.M. From Chambers Street Depot at +6:45, 10:15 A.M.; 12 M.; *1:45, 4:00, 5:15 and 6:45 P.M. + +FOR HACKENSACK AND HILLSDALE, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at 8:45 and +11:45 A.M.; $7:15 3:45, $5:15, 5:45, and $6:45 P.M. From Chambers Street +Depot, at 9:00 A.M.; 12:00 M.; $2:15, 4:00 $5:15, 6:00, and $6:45 P.M. + +FOR PIERMONT, MONSEY AND WAY, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at +8:45 A.M.; 12:45, {3:15 4:15, 4:46 and {6:15 P.M., and, Saturdays only, +{12 midnight. From Chambers Street Depot, at 9:00 A.M.; 1:00, {3:30, +4:15, 5:00 and {6:30 P.M. Saturdays, only, {12:00 midnight. + +Tickets for passage and for apartments in Drawing-Room and Sleeping +Coaches can be obtained, and orders for the Checking and Transfer of +Baggage may be left at the + +COMPANY'S OFFICES: + +241, 529, and 957 Broadway. +205 Chambers Street. +Cor. 125th Street & Third Ave., Harlem. +338 Fulton Street, Brooklyn. +Depots, foot of Chambers Street and foot +of Twenty-third Street, New York. +3 Exchange Place. +Long Dock Depot, Jersey City, +And of the Agents at the principal Hotels + +WM. R. BARR, +_General Passenger Agent._ + +L. D. RUCKER, +_General Superintendent._ + +* Daily. $ For Hackensack only. { For Piermont only. + +May 2D, 1870. + + * * * * * + +APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN + +"PUNCHINELLO" + +SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO + +J. NICKERSON, + +ROOM No. 4, + +No. 83 Nassau Street. + + + * * * * * + +DIBBLEEANIA, + +and + +Japonica Juice + +FOR THE HAIR. + +The most effective Soothing and Stimulating Compounds +ever offered to the public for the + +Removal of Scurf, Dandruff, &c. + +For consultation, apply at + +WILLIAM DIBBLEE'S, + +Ladies' Hair Dresser and Wig Maker. + +854 BROADWAY, N. Y. City. + + * * * * * + +WEVILL & HAMMAR, + +Wood Engravers, + +208 BROADWAY, + +NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +FORST & AVERELL + +Steam Lithograph, and Letter Press + +PRINTERS + +EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL +MANUFACTURERS. + +Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application + +23 Platt Street, and +20-22 Gold Street, +[P.O. Box 2845.] +NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +$34 Per Day. + +Agents Wanted! + +In every Town, County and State, to canvass for + +Henry Ward Beecher's Great Paper, + +With Which is GIVEN AWAY + +That superb and world-renowned work of art, "Marshall's Household +Engraving of Washington." The best paper and the grandest engraving +in America. Agents report "making $17 in half a day." "Sales easier +than books, and profits greater." Ladies or gentlemen desiring +immediate and largely remunerative employment; book canvassers, and +all soliciting agents will find more money in this than anything else. +It is something ENTIRELY NEW, being an UNPRECEDENTED COMBINATION and +very taking. Send for circular and terms to + +J. B. FORD & CO., 39 Park Row, New York. + + * * * * * + +FOLEY'S + +GOLD PENS. + +THE BEST AND CHEAPEST. + +256 BROADWAY. + + * * * * * + +Bowling Green Savings-Bank + +33 BROADWAY, +NEW YORK. + +Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M. + +_Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents to Ten Thousand +Dollars, will be received._ + +Six per Cent interest, Free of Government Tax. + +INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS +Commences on the First of every Month. + +HENRY SMITH, _President_ + +REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary._ + +WALTER ROCHE, } _Vice-Presidents._ +EDWARD HOGAN, } + + * * * * * + + +MERCANTILE LIBRARY + +Clinton Hall, Astor Place, + +NEW YORK. + +This is now the largest Circulating Library in America, the number of +volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 volumes are added each +month; and very large purchases are made of all new and popular works. + +Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each delivery. + +TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP: + +TO CLERKS, $1 INITIATION, $3 ANNUAL DUES. +TO OTHERS, $5 A YEAR. + +Subscriptions Taken for Six Months. + +BRANCH OFFICES + +at + +No. 76 Cedar St., New York, + +and at + +Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth. + + * * * * * +$2 to ALBANY and TROY. + +The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and Daniel Drew, commencing May 31, +will leave Vestry st. Pier at 8:45, and Thirty-fourth st. at 9 a.m., +landing at Yonkers, (Nyack, and Tarrytown by ferry-boat), Cozzens, West +Point, Cornwall, Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill, +Hudson, and New-Baltimore. A special train of broad-gauge cars in +connection with the day boats will leave on arrival at Albany +(commencing June 20) for Sharon Springs. Fare $4.25 from New York and +for Cherry Valley. The Steamboat Seneca will transfer passengers from +Albany to Troy. + + * * * * * + +HENRY L. STEPHENS, + +ARTIST, + +No. 160 FULTON STREET, + +NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +GEO. B. BOWLEND, + +Draughtsman & Designer + +No. 160 Fulton Street, + +Room No. 11, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +J. NICKINSON + +begs to announce to the friends of + +"PUNCHINELLO," + +residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has +made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of + +ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED, + +the same will be forwarded, postage paid. + +Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing +Houses, can have the same forwarded by inclosing two +stamps. + +OFFICE OF + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +83 Nassau Street. + +P.O. Box 2783] + + + + + + + + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + + +BALKS IN A BRUSH. + + +FLORA, having no relations in the world that she knew of, had, ever +since her seventh new bonnet, known no other home than Macassar Female +College, in the Alms-House, and regarded Miss CAROWTHERS as her +mother-in-lore. Her memory of her own mother was of a lady-like person +who had swiftly waisted away in the effort to be always taken for her +own daughter, and was, one day, brought down-stairs, by her husband, in +two pieces, from tight lacing. The sad separation (taking place just +before a party of pleasure), had driven FLORA'S father into a frenzy of +grief for his better halves; which was augmented to brain fever by Mr. +SCHENCK, who, having given a Boreal policy to deceased, felt it his duty +to talk gloomily about wives who sometimes died apart after receiving +unmerited cuts from their husbands, and to suggest a compromise of ten +per cent, upon the amount of the policy, as a much more cheerful +settlement than a coroner's inquest. FLORA'S betrothal had grown out of +the soothing of Mr. POTTS'S last year of mental disorder by Mr. DROOD, +an old partner in the grocery business, who, too, was a widower from his +wife's use of arsenic and lead for her complexion. The two bereaved +friends, after comparing tears and looking mournfully at each other's +tongues, had talked themselves to death over the fluctuations in sugar; +willing their respective children to marry in future for the sake of +keeping up the controversy. + +From the FLOWERPOT'S first arrival at the Alms-House, her new things, +engagement to be married, and stock of chocolate caramels, had won the +deepest affections of her teachers and schoolmates; and, on the morning +after the sectional dispute between EDWIN and MONTGOMERY, when one of +the young ladies had heard of it as a profound secret, no pains were +spared by the whole tender-hearted school to make her believe that +neither of the young men was entirely given up yet by the consulting +physicians. It was whispered, indeed, that a knife or two might have +passed, and two or three guns been exchanged; but she was not to be at +all worried, for persons had been known to get well with the tops of +their heads off. + +At an early hour, however, Miss PENDRAGON had paid a visit to her +brother, in Gospeler's Gulch; and, coming back with the intelligence, +that, while he had been stabbed to the heart, it was chiefly by cruel +insinuations and an umbrella, was enabled to assure Miss CAROWTHERS, in +confidence, that nothing eligible for publication in the New York Sun +had really occurred. Thus, when the legal conqueror of Breachy Mr. +BLODGETT entered that principal recitation-room of the Macassar, +formally known as the Cackleorium, she had no difficulty in explaining +away the panic. + +She said that "Unfounded Rumor, Ladies, is, we all know, a descriptive +phrase applied by the Associated Press to all important foreign news +procured a week or two in advance of its own similar European advices, +by the Press Association[A]. We perceive then, Ladies, (Miss JENKINS +will be good enough to stop scratching her nose while I am talking,) +that Unfounded Rumor sometimes means--hem!-- + + 'The Associated Press + In bitter distress.' + +In Bumsteadville, however, it has a signification more like what we +should give it in relation to a statement that Senator SUMNER had +delivered a Latin quotation without a speech selected for it. In this +sense, Ladies, (Miss PARKINSON can scarcely be aware of how much cotton +stocking can be seen when she lolls so,) the Unfounded Rumor concerning +two gentlemen of different political views in this county was not +correct. (Miss BABCOCK will learn four chapters in Chronicles by heart +to-night, for making her handkerchief into a baby,) as proper inquiries +have assured us that no more blood was shed than if the parties to the +strife had been a Canadian and a Fenian. We will, therefore, drop the +subject, and enter at once upon the flowery path of the first lesson in +algebra." + +This explanation destroyed all the interest of a majority of the young +ladies, who had anticipated a horridly delightful duel, at least; but +FLORA was slightly hysterical about it, even late in the afternoon, when +it was announced that her guardian had come to see her. + +Mr. DIBBLE, of Gowanus, had been selected for his trust on account of +his pre-eminent goodness, which, as seems to be invariably the case, was +associated with an absence of personal beauty trenching upon the +scarecrow. Possibly an excess of strong and disproportionate carving in +nose, mouth and chin, accompanied by weak eyes and unexpectedness of +forehead, may tend to make the Evil One but languid in his desire for +the capture of its human exemplar. This may help account for the +otherwise rather curious coincidence of frightful physiognomy and +preternatural goodness in this world of sinful beauties[B]. Under such a +theory, Mr. DIBBLE'S easy means of frightening the Arch-Tempter into +immediate flight, and keeping himself free from all possible incitement +to be anything but good, were a face, head and neck shaped not unlike an +old-fashioned water-pitcher, and a form suggestive of an obese lobster +balancing on an upright horse-shoe. His nose was too high up; his mouth +and chin bulged too tremendously; his neck inside a whole mainsail of +shirt-collar was too much fluted, and his eyes were as much too small +and oyster-like as his ears were too large and horny. + +Mr. DIBBLE found his ward in Miss CAROWTHER'S own private room, from +which even the government mails were generally excluded; and, after +saluting both ladies, and politely desiring the elder to remain present, +in order to be sure that his conversation was strictly moral, the +monstrous old gentleman pulled a memorandum book from his pocket and +addressed himself to FLORA. + +"I am a square man myself, dear kissling," he said, with much double +chin in his manner, "and like to do everything on the square. I am now +'interviewing' you, and shall make notes of your answers, though not +necessarily for publication. First: is your health satisfactory?" + +Miss POTTS admitted that, excepting occasional attacks of insatiable +longing for True Sympathy, chiefly produced by over-eating of pickles +and slate-pencils to avert excessive plumpness, she could generally take +pie twice without experiencing a subsequent reactionary tendency to +piety and gloomy presentiments. + +"Second: is your allowance of pin-money sufficient to keep you in cold +cream, Berlin wool, and other necessaries of life?" + +The FLOWERPOT confessed that she had now and then wished herself able to +buy a church and a velvet dressing-gown, (lined with cherry,) for a +young clergyman with the consumption and side-whiskers; but, under +common circumstances, her allowance was enough to procure all absolutely +requisite Edging without running her into debt, and still leave +sufficient to buy materials for any reasonable altar-cloth. + +"And now, my dear," said Mr. DIBBLE, evidently glad that all the more +important and serious part of the interview was over, "we come to the +subject of your marriage. Mr. EDWIN has seen you here, occasionally, I +suppose, and you may possibly like him well enough to accept him as a +husband, if not as a friend!" + +"He's such a perfectly absurd creature that I can't help liking him," +returned FLORA, gravely; "but I am not certain that my utterly +ridiculous deeper woman's love is entirely satisfied with the shape of +his nose." + +"That'll be mostly hidden by his whiskers, when they grow," observed her +guardian. + +"I hope they'll be bushy, with a frizzle at the ends and a bald place +for his chin," said the young girl, reflectively; then suddenly asked: +"If we _shouldn't_ be married, would either of us have to pay anything?" + +"I should say not," answered Mr. DIBBLE, "unless you sued him for +breach." (Here Miss CAROWTHERS was heard to murmur "BLODGETT," and +hastily took an anti-nervous pill.) "I should say that your respective +parents wished you to marry only in case you should see no other persons +whose noses you liked better. As on this coming Christmas you will be +within a few months of your marriage, I have brought your father's will +with me, with the intention of depositing it in the hands of Mr. EDWIN'S +trustee, Mr. BUMSTEAD--" + +"Oh, leave it with EDDY, if you'll please to be so ridiculously kind," +interrupted FLORA. "Mr. BUMSTEAD would certainly insist upon it that +there were _two_ wills, instead of one: and that would be so absurd." + +"Well, well," assented Mr. DIBBLE, rising to go, "I'm a perfectly square +man, even when I'm looking round, and will do as you wish. As a slight +memento of my really charming visit here, might I humbly petition yonder +lady to remit any little penalty that may happen to be in force just now +against any lovely student of the College for eating preserves in bed, +or writing notes to the Italian music teacher, who is already married, +or anything of that kind?" + +"FLORA," said Miss CAROWTHERS, graciously, "you may tell Miss BABCOCK, +that, in consequence of your guardian's request, she will be excused +from studying her Bible as a punishment." + +After due acknowledgment of this favor, the good Mr. DIBBLE made his +farewell bow, and went forth to the turnpike. Following that high road, +he presently found himself near the side-door of the Ritualistic Church +of Saint Cow's, and, while curiously watching the minor canons who were +carrying in some fireworks to be used in the next day's service, was +confronted by Mr. BUMSTEAD just coming out. + +"Let me see you home," said Mr. BUMSTEAD, hastily holding out an arm. +"I'll tell the family it's only vertigo." + +"Why, nothing is the matter with me," pleaded Mr. DIBBLE. "I've only +been having a talk with my ward." + +"I'll bet cloves for two that she didn't say she preferred me to NED," +insinuated Mr. BUMSTEAD, breathing audibly through his nose. + +"Then you'll not lose," was the answer; "for she did not tell me whom +she preferred to the one she wishes to marry. They never do; and +sometimes it is only discovered in Indiana. You and I surrender our +respective guardianships on Christmas, Mr. BUMSTEAD; until when +good-bye; and be early marriage their lot!" + +"Be early Divorce their lot!" said BUMSTEAD, thrusting his book of +organ-music so far under his coat-flap that it stuck out at the back +like a curvature of the spine. + +"I said marriage," cried Mr. DIBBLE, looking back. + +"I said Divorce," retorted Mr. BUMSTEAD, thoughtfully eating a clove, +"Don't one generally involve the other?" + + +[Footnote A: Oh, see here now, this is really too bad! The manner in +which the great American Adapter is all the time making totally +unexpected and vicious passes at the finest old cherished institutions +of the age is simply frightful. PUNCHINELLO should prevent it?--Well, +PUNCHINELLO _did_ remonstrate at an early stage of the Adaptation; and +the result was, that all the finest feelings of his nature were outraged +by an ensuing Chapter, in which was introduced a pauper burial-ground +swarming with deceased proprietors of American _Punches!_--EDS. +PUNCHINELLO.] + +[Footnote B: The whole idea is nothing less than atrocious; and, in our +judgment, the Adapter's actual purpose in putting it forth is to make +his own superlative goodness seem proved by a logical conclusion.--EDS. +PUNCHINELLO.] + + + + +CHAPTER X. + + +OILING THE WHEELS. + + +No husband who has ever properly studied his mother-in-law can fail to +be aware that woman's perception of heartless villainy and evidences of +intoxication in man is often of that curiously fine order of vision +which rather exceeds the best efforts of ordinary microscopes, and +subjects the average human mind to considerable astonishment. The +perfect ease with which she can detect murderous proclivities, Mormon +instincts, and addiction to maddening liquors, in a daughter's +husband--who, to the most searching inspection of everybody else, +appears the watery, hen-pecked, and generally intimidated young man of +his age--is one of those common illustrations of the infallible +acuteness of feminine judgment which are doing more and more, every day, +to establish the positive necessity of woman's superior insight, and +natural dispassionate fairness of mind, for the future wisest exercise +of the elective franchise and most just administration of the highest +judicial office. It may be said that the mother-in-law is the highest +development of the supernaturally perceptive and positive woman, since +she usually has superior opportunities to study man in all the stages +from marriage to madness; but with her whole sex, particularly after +certain sour turns in life, inheres an alertness of observation as to +the incredible viciousness of masculine character, which nothing less +than a bit of flattery or a happily equivocal reflection upon some rival +sister can either divert or mislead for a moment. + +"Now don't you really think, OLDY," said Gospeler SIMPSON to his mother, +as he sat watching her fabrication of an immense stocking for the poor, +"that Hopeless Inebriate and Midnight Assassin are a rather too severe +characterization of my pupil, Mr. MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON?" + +"No, I do not, OCTAVE," replied the excellent old nut-cracker of a lady, +who was making the charity stocking as nearly in the shape of a hatchet +as possible. "When a young man of rebel sentiments spends all his nights +in drinking lemon teas, and trying to spoil other young men's clothes in +throwing such teas at them, and is only to be put down by umbrellas, and +comes to his homes with cloves in his clenched fists, and has headaches +on the following days, he's on his way either to political office or the +gallows." + +"But he hasn't done so at all with s's to it," exclaimed the Reverend +OCTAVIUS, exasperated by so many plurals. "He did it but once, and then +he was strongly provoked. EDWIN mentioned the sharpness of his sister's +nose to him, and reflected casually upon the late well-known Southern +Confederacy." + +"Don't tell me!" reasoned the fine old lady, holding up the stocking by +its handle to see how much longer it must be to reach the wearer's +waist. "I'm afraid you're a copperhead, OCTAVE." + +"How you do cackle, OLDY!" said her son, who was very proud of her when +she kept still. "You can't see anything good in MONTGOMERY, because, +after the first seven or eight breakfasts with us, he said he was afraid +that so many fishballs would make his head swim." + +"My child," returned the old lady, thrusting an arm so far into the +charity stocking that she seemed to have the wrong kind of blue worsted +limb growing from one of her shoulders, "I have judged this dissipated +young man exactly as though he were my own son-in-law, and know that he +possesses an incendiary disposition. After the fireworks at Saint Cow's +Church, on Saint VITUS'S Day, that devoted Ritualistic Christian, Mr. +BUMSTEAD, came up to me in the porch, with his eyes nearly closed, on +account of the solemnity of the occasion, and began feeling around my +neck with both his hands. When I asked him to explain, he said that he +wanted to see whether my throat was cut yet, as he had heard that we +kept a Southern murderer at home. He was still very pale at what had +taken place in his room over night, when he finally said 'Good-day, +ladies,' to me. + +"MONTGOMERY is certainly attached to me, at any rate," murmured the +Gospeler, reflectively, "and has made no attempt upon my life." + +"That's because his sister restrains him," asserted the mother, with a +fond look. "I overheard her telling him, when she was at dinner here one +day, that you might be taken for a Southerner, if you only wore +dress-coat all the time and were heavily mortgaged. Withdraw her +influence, and the desperate young man would tar and feather us all in +our beds some night." + +Falling silent after this unanswerable proof of Mr. PENDRAGON'S guilt, +Mr. SIMPSON mused upon as much of the dear old nutcracker as was not +hidden by the vast charity stocking. In her ruffled cap, false front, +and spectacles, she was so exactly the figure one might picture Mr. JOHN +STUART MILL to be, after reading his latest literary knitting on the +Revolting Injustice of Masculine Society, that the Gospeler of Saint +Cow's could not help feeling how perfectly useless it was to expect her +to think herself capable of error. + +As, whenever the Reverend OCTAVIUS gave indication of a capacity for +speechless thoughtfulness, his benignant mother at once concluded that +he needed an anti-bilious pill, she now made all haste to the cupboard +to procure that imitation-vegetable and a glass of water. It was the +neatest, best-stored Ritualistic cupboard in Bumsteadville. Above it +hung a portrait of the Pope, from which the grand old Apostolic son of +an infallible dogma looked knowingly down, as though with the contents +of that cupboard he could get-up such a _schema_ as would be palatable +to the most skeptical Bishop in all the Oecumenical Council, and of +which be might justly say: Whosoever dare think that he ever tasted a +better _schema_, or ever dreamed in his deepest consciousness that a +better could be made, let him be anathema maranatha! A most rakish +looking wooden button, noiselessly stealthly and sly, gave entrance to +this treasury of dainties; and then what a rare array of disintegrated +meals intoxicated the vision! There was the Athlete of the Dairy, +commonly called Fresh Butter, in his gay yellow jacket, looking wore to +the knife. There was turgid old Brown Sugar, who had evidently heard the +advice, go to the ant, thou sluggard! and, and mistaking the last word +for Sugared, was going as deliberately as possible. There was the +vivacious Cheese, in the hour of its mite, clad in deep, creamy, golden +hue, with delicate traceries of mould, like fairy cobwebs. The Smoked +Beef, and Doughnuts, as being more sober and unemotional features of the +pageant, appeared on either side the remains of a Cold Chicken, as +rendering pathetic tribute to hoary age; while sturdy, reliable Hash and +Fishballs reposed right and left in their mottled and rich brown coats, +with a kind of complacent consciousness of having been created according +to Mrs. GLASS'S standard dictum, First catch your Hair. + +Gospeler SIMPSON, by natural law, alternated from this wonderful +cupboard, very regularly, to another, or sister cupboard, also presided +over by the good old maternal nut-cracker, wherein the energetic pill +lived in its little pasteboard house next door to the crystal palace of +smooth, insinuating castor oil; and passionate fiery essence of +peppermint grew hot with indignation at the proximity of plebeian +rhubarb and squills. In the present case he quietly took his +anti-bilious globule: which, besides being a step in the direction of +removing a pimple from his chin, was also intended as a kind of medical +preparation for his coming services in the Ritualistic Church, where, at +a certain part of the ceremonies, he was to stand on his head before the +Banner of St. Alban and balance Roman candles on his uplifted feet. When +the day had nearly passed, and the Vesper hour for those services +arrived, he performed them with all the less rush of blood to the head +for being thus prepared; yet there was still a slight sensation of +congestion, and, to get rid of this, when he stepped forth from Saint +Cow's in the twilight, it was to take an evening stroll along the shore +of Bumsteadville pond. + +(_To be Continued_.) + + * * * * * + +CONDENSED CONGRESS. + + +SENATE. + +[Illustration 'D'] + +Down again came the furious FRANK. But not the fiery Hun. Mr. STOCKTON +was Frank. He said he represented New Jersey. (Enthusiastic Groans.) The +constituents of New Jersey were a peculiar people. Such was their +depravity that they said they would rather have fifty per cent taken off +their taxes than to receive the speeches of their representatives in +Congress free of charge. Under these circumstances they looked upon the +franking privilege, he regretted to say, as a swindle, and remonstrated +with him, with tears in their expressive and fish-like eyes, against +being hidden by a shower of public documents. The Congressional Globe +made a very inferior article of lamp-lighters, and the proud pigs of New +Jersey declined to fatten upon the Patent Office reports. + +Mr. TIPTON was in favor of the franking privilege. What good would it do +anybody if Congressmen drew postage-stamps in lieu of writing their +names. As for him, he found it much easier to draw postage-stamps than +to write his name, and he was sure that none of them were so lost to a +sense of their own dignity as to pay their own postages, like ordinary +human beings. + +Mr. STEWART said certainly not. The only thing was that there would be +an account kept of the number of postage-stamps they drew, but nobody +knew how often a man used his frank. He himself had been censured for +franking a few tons of pig-iron from Washington to Nevada. But no amount +of postage-stamps would have carried it. + +Mr. DRAKE referred to the darkest hour of the late war, when +postage-stamps were current, and when, if the proposed changes were +effected, they could have made the Post-Office department pay for their +drinks. But in the present state of the South, when the Ku-Klux Klan, in +spite of his most earnest endeavors, refused to kill anybody, he saw no +hope that those golden hours would return. Therefore he thought it best +to cleave to his frank. + + +HOUSE. + +Mr. LOGAN desired to expel WHITTEMORE permanently. WHITTEMORE had really +gone too far, and if they let him in people would consider that they +were no better, and institute investigations of a disagreeable nature +into the conduct of Congress generally. Of course the House had a right +to expel him. It had a right to expel everybody but himself. + +Mr. ELDRIDGE said that directly Mr. LOGAN would be claiming that he--Mr. +ELDRIDGE--ought to be expelled. This would be unpleasant to him. He +would not die in spring-time. + +MR. BUTLER said, in default of getting San Domingo annexed, he would +like to get the patent of a friend of his in Massachusetts extended. + +Mr. FARNSWORTH objected, upon the ground that Mr. BUTLER had received +shekels from the patentee. + +Mr. BUTLER said, if he had, he hadn't so much hair on his face as +FARNSWORTH. + +The Comic Speaker performed a solo on the gavel, and said it was none of +FARNSWORTH'S business anyhow. + +Mr. FARNSWORTH said Mr. BUTLER had got $2,000, and hadn't earned it. + +Mr. BUTLER said Mr. FARNSWORTH was a coward and an assassin. + +The Comic Speaker said he rather thought FARNSWORTH was a coward, but +assassin was unparliamentary. + +Mr. FARNSWORTH said the evidence showed that BUTLER was on one side +before he got a fee, and on the other afterwards. + +Mr. BUTLER said there was nothing green in his eye. As for FARNSWORTH, +nobody would ever pay him $2000 for anything. + +The Comic Speaker said that all Mr. FARNSWORTH'S remarks were perfectly +shocking. As for Mr. BUTLER, his conduct was admirable. + +Mr. SCHENCK saw that the interest was absorbed by FARNSWORTH and BUTLER, +and tried to divert it by getting up a little shindy with LOGAN. He said +LOGAN wanted everything done in LOGAN'S way, when notoriously everything +ought to be done in SCHENCK'S way. + +Mr. LOGAN said SCHENCK had led the House by the nose for four weeks. Now +he proposed to lead it for a few days himself--by the ear. + +The Comic Speaker said he liked to see this. It made things lively for +the boys. He hoped SCHENCK and LOGAN would keep on. But they didn't; and + +Mr. DAWES said he had charged some time ago that the expenses of the +Government had increased. He wished to take that back. It seemed there +had been an error in the accounts. The Government had made a mistake +against itself of seventy-six millions, and another in favor of itself +of seventy-seven millions. Both added together made more than a hundred +and fifty millions, which would reduce the expenses below those of the +traitor, murderer, viper, and unpleasant person known as ANDREW JOHNSON. + + * * * * * + +CURRENT FABLES. + +THE BULLS AND THE BEAVERS. + + +The Lion claimed dominion over all the beasts wherever they were found, +but some of them were rebellious. Among the malcontents were the Bulls, +part of whom inhabited a pasture so rich that it was called the Green +Isle, while others lived in a charming country with "the best government +the world ever saw," owned and occupied by the Eagles. Adjoining the +latter was a colony of quiet and inoffensive Beavers. The Bulls, angry +at the Beavers for their humble submission to the rule of the remote +Lion, resolved to make war upon them. Accordingly, those Bulls who lived +in the Land of the Eagles proceeded to invade the colony, intending to +dispossess the Beavers and form a government of their own. But the +Eagles had a reasonable degree of respect for the Lion, not so much on +account of his individual strength, which was comparatively trivial, but +because he was the ruler of all manner of beasts. So their leader, after +making the second memorable speech of his life, in which he said "The +Eagles is at peace with the Lion," despatched a little Eaglet to arrest +the progress of the Bulls. This messenger, flying to the edge of the +Beaver's colony, caught and confined in a prison the leader of the +Bulls, who, as he was being conducted to jail, cried out, "Verily it is +not the strength of the individual, but the number of his supporters, +which is the measure of his power." + + * * * * * + +THERMOMETRICAL. + +In the present torrid state of the weather, can the Oriental +craftsmanship lately introduced here be properly termed Coolie labor? + + * * * * * + +THEATRICAL NOTE. + +The OATES troupe now performing at the Olympic Theatre must not be +confounded with the Horse Opera. + + * * * * * + +BETTER LATE THAN NEVER. + +It occurs in PUNCHINELLO, at this late day, to remark that the friends +of America in England, even in the darkest hours of the rebellion, were +ever disposed to look on the BRIGHT side. + + * * * * * + +POETRY VERSUS PROSE. + +A traveller, who has lately been shipwrecked on the ocean, has a notion +that there is precious little poetry in being Rocked in the cradle of +the deep. + + * * * * * + +THE ONLY GERMAN POET RECOGNIZED IN WALL STREET. + +KOeRNER. + + * * * * * + +FUN AND FIN. + +[Illustration: 'S'] + +Since President GRANT's famous trouting excursion to Pennsylvania, +piscatorial pastimes appear to have become quite the thing among the +magnates of the Government. The following item from Washington, cut from +a morning paper, reads very like a bit of gossip from the history of the +Court of CHARLES II: + +"General SPINNER and some of his female Treasury clerks went to the +Great Falls to-day to catch black bass." + +Redolent of all that is rural and sweet, is the idea of SPINNER, +surrounded by a bevy of his "female Treasury clerks," reclining upon a +shady rock just over the Great Falls. We behold SPINNER, with our mind's +eye, "fixing" a bait for one of the lovely young fisherwomen, while half +a dozen of the others are engaged in fanning him and "Shoo-ing" the +flies away from his expressive nose. The picture is a very pretty one, +recalling to mind some brilliant pastoral by WATTEAU. There are numerous +accessories arranged in the foreground, such as hampers of cold chicken +pie, hams of the richest pink and yellow hues, and baskets of champagne, +and it would be interesting to know who pays for all. "Spinning a +minnow," as the anglers term it, for black bass, is a very appropriate +pastime for SPINNER, but, for a fresh-water fisherman, there is +something very Salt Lakey in that arrangement regarding the "female +Treasury clerks." + + * * * * * + +"LOT" ON A LOT OF PROVERBS. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO: One of my friends, who, much to the disgust of his +fellow boarders, is constantly playing an adagio movement in B flat upon +a flute, (that may not be the correct musical term, but no one will ever +know it unless you tell,) informs me that you are astute; another +friend, who makes cigar stumps into chewing tobacco, says, you're "up to +snuff." Assuming the truth of those statements, I apply to you for +information. You have the ability, have you also the inclination, to aid +a poor, weary mariner on the voyage of life, (in the steerage,) who has +been buffeted by reason, tempest-tossed by imagination, becalmed by +fancy, wrecked by stupidity, (other people's,) and is now whirling +helplessly in the Maelstrom of conundrums? (If that doesn't touch your +heart, then has language failed to accomplish the end for which it was +designed--to deceive others.) + +I'm the great American searcher after truth, and, though I've been at +the bottom of every well, except the Artesian ones, I am still a +searcher. Can you refuse to throw a straw to a drowning man, or a crumb +to a starving fellow-creature? Knowing that you have a mammoth heart, +and abundance of straw, and lots of bread, I feel that you cannot. List! +oh, list! and I will my caudal appendage unfold. + +Is enough as good as a feast, if the former is enough of walloping and +the latter is composed of pheasant and champagne? (i.e.: Is real pain as +good as champagne?) TOM ALLEN evidently got enough in his late fight, +but I'm inclined to think that he would rather strain his jaws at a +feast than at a fisticuff. The Young Democracy once got enough staying +out in the cold, but, when some of them were admitted to the feast, they +did not appear to be at all satisfied, but grabbed at the choicest +titbits. + +Is one bird in the hand worth two in the bush, if the one in the hand is +the Police Board, and those in the bush are the Supervisorship and the +Health Board? And suppose you've succeeded in getting your fingers on +those in the bush, wouldn't you try to make a haul? Why, I can imagine a +man who might have the Governor's place in hand, and yet consider one +bird in the bush better, if that bird could sing an old tune called +White House. + +How can it be possible that this world is all a fleeting show? I've +visited a great many shows, and have found that all of them are +conducted on the same principle. You pay your money at the door, sit +undisturbed through the performance, unless some junk-man should take to +junketing, and get out easily, the proprietor in fact seeming rather +glad to get rid of you. But when you enter the world, you pay nothing, +on your way through it you pay constantly, and getting out of it--at the +present prices of coffins and bombazines--is one of the most expensive +things on record. + +Why mustn't you look a gift horse in the mouth, if you are prudent +enough to do it on the sly? Besides, don't everybody look in the horse's +mouth, as soon as the giver has departed? Suppose you're patriotic, and +offer your son to Uncle SAM as a gift, to use in his civil service, +isn't Mr. JENCKES's bill designed as a means of looking into your son's +mouth? Maybe it's to find out if he's a public cribber. What I want to +know is, does this prohibition apply to donkeys? + +What possible connection can there be between doing handsome and being +handsome? Now there's BROWN, who persuaded me, on or about black Friday, +to buy his gold at the highest figures, and thus did a very handsome +thing (for himself), but he is still the ugliest looking man in our +street. + +If it be true, as stated in "The Gates Ajar," that there will be pianos +in heaven, haven't the men who learned harp-making, on the theory that +it was a permanent business, been grossly deceived, and haven't they an +action for damages against somebody, if they can find out who it is? + +If all the world's a stage, what are cars? I admit that all Broadway is +a stage, but is it at all probable that GOV. HOFFMAN vetoed the Arcade +railroad bill on that account? Besides, if all the world's a stage, why +should the men who carry passengers care about the duty on steel rails? + +Is it true that a man must not laugh at his own jokes? Don't you suppose +that the man who invented the _canard_ about the Jews in Roumania is +laughing at the squabble which he has raised between the Associated +Press and the American Press Association, by means of his little joke? +And don't you suppose, when the returns of the last election came in, +that Mr. TWEED laughed very vigorously at his little joke, called the +new election law? If Congress should keep on joking for the rest of the +session, and, as a result, the Republican party should be turned out of +power, don't you suppose that the members will laugh--on the other side +of their mouths? + +There is a certain saying, which everybody retails, about the kind of +people who tell the truth. Now I always tell the truth. I'm exactly like +GEORGE WASHINGTON. If I had cut down the cherry tree, and my stern +parent had appeared upon the scene with a rawhide and asked me who did +it, I should have instantly replied, the hatchet. But I am not a child. +Can it be that I am the other thing? + +Now, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, can you do those sums? I have tried them in every +possible way. I have let X equal the unknown quantity, but I don't know +Y. If you can solve the problems, will you send me the answers by the +first post? + +Yours, + +LOT. + +[Our correspondent seems to labor under the impression that we are a +primary arithmetic, or a dictionary, or a conundrum book. We regret his +mistake, and can simply say that we are nothing of the sort. Any +reasonable conundrums, such as, How old is the world? How many +individuals is Mrs. BRIGHAM YOUNG? What becomes of the Fenian money? +When will Cuba be free? we would willingly answer, but our correspondent +cannot expect us to solve problems which are as old as BARNUM said JOYCE +HETH was. He should be able to see such things as others see them. They +are the unwritten law, and PUNCHINELLO does not propose to alter them.] + + * * * * * + +CONCERNING THE METHODIST BOOK CONCERN. + + 'Tis well enough that GOODENOUGH + Dr. LANAHAN should teach, + That, sure enough, there's law enough + Such slanderers to reach. + + But, like enough, this GOODENOUGH + Dr. LANAHAN may impeach, + And prove enough that's bad enough + To justify his speech. + + * * * * * + +UNKIND. + +TOODLES made a solemn vow the other day, in presence of MUGGINS, that he +"would never shave until he had paid off his debts," but MUGGINS, in +relating the fact, said simply that "TOODLES had concluded to wear a +full beard the rest of his life." + + * * * * * + +THE POEMS OF THE CRADLE. + +Old Mother Hubbard + +GENTLE READER: You have a soul for poetry. Even when an infant, and in +your cradle, you had a soul for poetry. You were not aware of it at this +early stage, but your mother--if you had one--was. With what fond +alacrity did she hasten to your cradle-side, when some wicked little pin +was trying to insinuate itself into your affections much against your +inclination, and soothe you with the pleasing strains of Mother Goose. +And how your eyes brightened and your little feet and hands commenced +playing tag, when you heard the wonders of Mother Goose extolled in +pretty verse. Ah! those were the days of romance. I will leave them now, +to search for the hidden beauties of one of your childhood's melodies, +the eventful career of Mother HUBBARD and her dog. + +I will begin with the opening Canto of the poem, and limit myself, for +the present, with detailing the beauties of its many incidents. + +CANTO I. + + Old Mother Hubbard + Went to the Cupboard + To get her poor dog a bone; + When she got there + The Cupboard wan bare. + And so the poor dog had none! + +Now, Kind Reader, follow closely whilst I display the hidden beauties of +Canto First. You will notice that the author, who now sleeps with the +unnumbered dead--a presumption on my part--has no dedication, no +introduction, no preface. He scorned a dedication, that misnomer for +gratuitous advertising. He wanted no patron, no Lord or Count somebody +or other, who might, perhaps, insure the sale of one more copy. No. He +determined to paddle his own canoe. And he did, you bet.--He wrote no +preface. What was it to the public how many ancient authors he had +ransacked to obtain ideas for his poem? What was it to the public how +many noble minds he had associated with him to help him in his laborious +work? What would the public care about his intentions to have his book +in such a form, to appear at such a date, or to be sold for such a +price? What would be the use of apologizing to the public for his many +weak points, when he thought that he knew more than they? On the +contrary, he very naturally determined that if his Poem, wasn't +readable, it would not be read, and a Preface of ignorance would make +the matter no better.--He kept clear of the folly of an Introduction-a +something which a writer gets up just to keep his hand in, perhaps, or +to tell the reader that _he_ knows all about it!--The empty dishes on +the banquet-board: no one cares for them. + +Our felicitous Author, throwing aside all these traditional +idiosyncrasies, launches boldly into the billowy sea of his +idea-scattered brain[A], and in his very first line gives a full, +concise description of the heroine, Mrs. HUBBARD; and having finished +her description, enumerates, as was meet, the peculiarities, and, I +might say, dogmatic tendencies, of the hero of the tail, Herr Dog! [He +(not H.D., but the Author) says "Old Mother HUBBARD."] Here is +simplicity for you! Here is brevity! "Old Mother HUBBARD!" How sweetly +it sounds; how nicely the words fit each other! What an immense range of +thought he must have who first said "Old Mother HUBBARD." Less gifted +authors of the present would rejoice exceedingly, could they do +likewise. Ah!--and a spark of enthusiasm lightens up your countenance, +[Highfalutin,]--they have no HUBBARD. And if they had they would +commence with a minute detail of how old she was, how venerable she was, +what kind of a mother she was, whose mother she was, and all about her +aunt's family. + +Alas! for the fallen state of our Literature, which tells you +everything, and leaves you nothing to guess at, lest you might not guess +correctly. Well, as I previously observed, the author says "Old Mother +HUBBARD." He must have been correct. You know how it is yourself. + +This felicitous writer then proceeds, and in the next line gives vent to +his pent-up feelings thusly: "Went to the Cupboard." "Went!" What a +happy expression! How appropriate! Besides, it supplies a deficiency +which would have occurred had it been left out. "Went!" There's Saxon +for you. Our happy author, overburdened by his transcendent imagination, +has not the evil propensity of thrusting upon his reader the mode of how +she went; but, noble and manly as he was, he leaves it to you and to me +how she went! + +Here is a vast range for your imagination. Give your fancy wings. One +may think she waddled; another that she rambled. One may say she +preambulated; another that she pedalated.[B] One may remark that she +crutchalated; [C] but all must concede that she "went". Now whither did +she "went"? Ah! methinks your brain is puzzled. Why, she "went to the +Cupboard," says our author, who, perhaps, just then took a ten-cent nip. +She did not go around it, or about it, or upon it, or under it. She did +not let it come to her, but she went herself to the above-mentioned and +fore-named Cupboard. + +Now, when a woman undertakes to do a thing, she has always a reason for +her undertaking; argoul, as my friend, the grave-digger, said, the +heroine of this Epic must have had an object in view. Otherwise, what +would take her to the Cupboard? She was evidently a strong-minded woman, +and would not fritter away her valuable time for nothing. To the +Cupboard she went "to get her poor dog a bone," says the author, +following out the logical sequence of the plot. The hero of the tail was +not in the Cupboard. Of course not. The "bone" was there. Ah! but _was_ +the bone there? The sequel will show. + +Just imagine the mild complacency, the unutterable sympathy, the +affectionate lovingness of the heroine for her hero! And with what +gentle expression she speaks of him--"her poor dog." Verily, must there +have been an abyss of kindly feeling in that Old Dame's large heart for +her poor dog! + +But alas! for human care and anxiety. Away ye smiles and hopes. + + "L'homme propose, mais Dieu dispose."[D] + +In other words, when she got there, to the Cupboard, and peered into its +dark recesses, and searched the hidden corners of its many shelves, "the +Cupboard was bare." + +Alack-a-day for Mr. D.! When he saw his kind mistress toddling along to +the receptacle of many a remnant of many a luxurious feast, he was, +perchance, filled with affection. Melting tears came to his eyes, and +poured, like a cataract, down his noble cheeks. Would it do to have his +loving mistress witness the outburst of his long pent-up feelings? Alas! +No. He must hide his tears. He tore his tail from the wag which was +about to seize it, and gently wiped away his tears! Poor fellow! Your +heart warms towards him, and you stretch out your hands to embrace him, +or to kiss him for his mother, perhaps. How must the author have felt? +If there was one grain of compassion in him, he would feel as I do, as +you do, as we all do, and trust that the loving affection of that poor +dog would be amply repaid by the promised "bone." + +The decrees of Fate are inexorable, however. When she went to the +Cupboard, the Cupboard was bare; had not even one bare bone, and so that +poor heroic dog "had none." [Very long O.] I pity him truly, and fain +would shed tears of grief over his melancholy affliction, if I wasn't so +awfully warm. For was never dog so disappointed as this dog. "Nev-a-r-e, +by all-l-l that's h-h-holy-y-y-e-e."[E] + +Not wishing to be an unwilling witness to the sad scene which was +enacted between these two loving creatures on the disappointment of +their fondest hopes, I will draw the curtain, and leave them, solitary +and alone--alone with themselves, and with no aching eye to witness +their grief, to give vent to their heart-bursting anguish. + +The author did wisely and well to close the Canto. + +Let us have--a rest! + +[Footnote A: Original. By GUM.] + +[Footnote B: Copyright for sale for all the States.] + +[Footnote C: Ditto.] + +[Footnote D: This is French--H. D.] + +[Footnote E: Quotation from XII T.] + + * * * * * + +STANDARD LITERATURE. + +A writer in the _Standard_, thinking that the title Society for the +Prevention of Cruelty to Animals is clumsy on account of its length, +proposes that it be changed to Animalthropic Society. It is not likely +that Mr. BERGH, who has some reputation for scholarship, will adopt a +suggestion in which a bit of Greek is brought in "wrong end foremost," +unless, indeed, his well-known partiality for the canine creature might +induce him to look with favor upon a compound so manifestly of the "dog +Greek" description. + + * * * * * + +QUERY + +Might not the child's new-fangled humming-top, which is advertised to +dance sixty seconds, be said to dance a minuet? + + * * * * * + +CHEERFUL FOR SHOEMAKERS. + +WESTON'S great Feat. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR MUSEUM OF THE FUTURE + +_Learned Professor._ "THESE ARE THE RESTORED REMAINS OF A NOBLE CREATURE +LONG SINCE EXTERMINATED BY THE SAVAGES OF PESTILENT INSECTS KNOWN AS +POLY TICKS."] + + * * * * * + +DESULTORY HINTS AND MAXIMS FOR ANGLERS. + +When you see "excellent trouting in a romantic mountain district" +advertised in the papers, go somewhere else. + +On arriving where you have reason to believe trout exist, inquire of +some rural angler which are the best brooks, and fish exclusively in +those he runs down. + +In making a cast, throw your line as far as you can. The biggest fish +are usually obtained from the long Reaches. + +Never angle under a blistering sun, nor with Spanish flies. + +Keep as far as possible from the brook. If the trout see you they will +connect you with the rod, in which case you will find it difficult to +connect them with the line. + +Many anglers fish up stream, but the surest way to secure a mess of +trout is with the Current. + +Take some agreeable stimulant with you to the water-side. You will find +it a great assistance when Reeling in. + +One of the best places for obtaining the speckled prey is under a +Waterfall--but you needn't mention this fact to the ladies. + +When a brook divides among the trees, angle in the main stream, not in +the Branches. + +In playing a trout under the willows, be very careful, or you may get +Worsted among the Osiers. + +When you land a two-pound trout (which you never will,) double the +weight, else what's the use of having a Multiplier. + +If you wish to take anything heavy you must walk right into the water. +The regular Sneezers are generally caught in this way. + +The experienced angler goes forth expecting nothing, and is rarely +disappointed. + +Superstitious Piscators have great faith in the Heavenly Signs, but +often fail to find a Sign of a Fish under the fishiest sign of the +Zodiac. + +Avoid water-courses infested with saw-mills. These dammed streams seldom +contain many trout. + +To jerk a fish out of the water with a wire is even more despicable than +political wire-pulling. + +A rod should never consist of more than three sections, and the angler +should look well to his joints after a wetting, as they are apt to swell +and stiffen in the Sockets. + +Rise early if you would have good sport. Should you feel sleepy +afterwards, the river has a Bed that you can easily get into. + +Catching trout is strictly a summery pleasure, and when indulged in at +any other season should be visited by Summary punishment. + +There are numerous treatises on angling, but in "JOHN BROWN'S Tract" the +youthful Piscator will find the best of Guides. + +It often happens that trout do not begin to bite till late in the day, +in which case it is advisable to make the most of the _commencement de +la Fin._ + +As the culture of fish is now engaging the attention of philanthropists, +it is probable that the superior varieties will hereafter be found in +Schools, where, of course, the Rod will be more profitably employed than +in Whipping (under present circumstances,) "the complaining brooks that +keep the meadows green." + + * * * * * + +LOVE IN A BOARDING-HOUSE. + + Miss SARAH SAGOE'S boarding-house--I recommend her steaks; + Two plates of pudding she allows, and--oh! what buckwheat cakes! + We're all so very fond of them, (we deprecate the grease,) + But we'd a greater fondness for Miss SARAH SAGOE'S niece. + + In heavenly blue her eyes surpassed--the milk; "her teeth were pearl." + That's BROWN! Poetic genius, BROWN, (devoted to that girl.) + JOE TROTT to flowers took; SAWTELL, and PETERS to croquet; + GREEN thrumbed guitar; while as for me, I sighed and pined away. + + Not one but lost his appetite--at no less price for board. + Meanwhile this heartless ARABELLE, by all of us adored, + Gives out that she's to marry a rich broker from New York; + We heard the news at dinner--down dropped each knife and fork. + + We're glad our eyes are open now, though every one's a dupe, + 'Tis queer we didn't see before how she dipped up the soup; + And, now I think it over, I wonder man could wish + To win that hand unmerciful that so harpooned the fish. + + "That vulgar girl," as JOE TROTT says, "a helpmeet fine will make"-- + She never failed to help herself most handsomely to steak; + The pudding holds out better now that she is gone away-- + And it's consolation precious that I've not her board to pay. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +THE WEDDING RING AGAIN. + +AS PUNCHINELLO WOULD HAVE IT WORN. + +(_Suggested by an Indignant Sister of Sorosis._)] + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +[Illustration 'M'] + +Manager DALY found _Frou Frou_ so popular, that he has given us a second +dose of M. SARDOU'S Dramatic Mixture, three times stronger than the +first, and warranted to restore the moral tone of all repentant Pretty +Waiter Girls. The label borne by the new Mixture is "_Fernande_," but as +"CLOTILDE," and not "FERNANDE," is the principal ingredient, the name is +obviously ill-selected. Though the materials were imported from the +celebrated Parisian laboratory of M. SARDOU, the Mixture in its present +form was prepared "_in vacuo_" by two dramatic chemists of this city, +and ought properly to bear their name. As compared with _Frou Frou_, it +is much more palatable, and far more powerful, and there is no reason to +suppose that it contains anything deleterious to the moral health of the +play-goer. An analysis made by order of PUNCHINELLO shows that it +consists of the following materials, combined in the following +proportions: + +ACT I.--_Scene, a Gambling-House. Enter_ M. POMMEROL, _a benevolent +lawyer._ + +POMMEROL. "I am a lawyer with an enormous practice. Having nothing +whatever to do, I came here to find FERNANDE, the pretty waiter girl. +Here comes my cousin CLOTILDE. She is an angel of virtue and the +mistress of my friend ANDRE. What can she want here?" + +CLOTILDE. "My carriage has just run over a young girl, who lives here. +As the horses trampled upon her for some time, I came to see if she had +sustained any inconvenience." + +POMMEROL. "CLOTILDE, this girl is named FERNANDE. She is as bad as she +can well be, therefore I implore you to take her home with you and adopt +her. Will you do it?" + +CLOTILDE. "Of course I will. Who could refuse such a trifling request! +But look, here come the people of the house." + +_Enter various gamblers and disreputable women, who conduct themselves +with appropriate freedom from the restraints of conventionality._ +FERNANDE, _who is too lachrymose to be a cheerful feature, is wisely +placed on guard at the outer door. The company proceed to play at faro, +the bank being the loser. There is a false alarm of police, and the game +is suddenly stopped. The Banker, being naturally indignant, attempts to +relieve his mind by punching_ FERNANDE's _head. Heroic interference by_ +POMMEROL, _and consequent tableau. Curtain._ + +SATIRICAL PERSON, _to one of the ushers._ "Will you tell me what street +this house is in?" + +USHER. "Twenty-fourth street, sir." + +SATIRICAL PERSON. "All right. You see I came up in a University Place +car, and I was beginning to think, after having seen that last scene, +that I had made a mistake, and gone down town instead of up town." + +RESPECTABLE LADY, _to female friend._ "Isn't it shockingly improper! But +then it is so interesting, and it is really one's duty to know how those +creatures conduct themselves when they are at home." + +ACT II.--_Scene,_ CLOTILDE's _Garden._ CLOTILDE _soliloquizes as +follows:_ + +CLOTILDE. "I have adopted FERNANDE and shall call her MARGUERITE. ANDRE +has deceived me, and I will test his love at once." (_Enter_ ANDRE.) + +CLOTILDE. "ANDRE, I think we have made a mistake in fancying ourselves +in love. Would you like to leave me?" + +ANDRE. "My dearest friend, I really think I should. You see I have just +fallen in love with an innocent little angel. By Jove! there she is. +Tell me her name." + +CLOTILDE. "That is MARGUERITE, a protege of mine. You shall marry her. +Go and make love to her." (_He goes._) + +CLOTILDE. "The base wretch deserts me. I will proceed to become a +tigress. I will marry him to FERNANDE, and then tell him what a base +wretch she is. We'll see how he will like that. He thinks her innocent! +Ha! ha! (_Aside._--On reflection she is innocent according to this +version of the play; but SARDOU told the truth about her, and I will act +on the supposition that she is a wretch.) That will be a fit revenge, +and I can't do better than rave about it for a while." (_Raves +accordingly until the curtain falls._) + +COLD-BLOODED CRITIC. "I have never seen a finer piece of acting than +that of Miss MORANT in the last scene. But then her revenge becomes +absurd when you reflect that FERNANDE is just what ANDRE fancies her, an +innocent girl. That is a fair specimen of the way in which American +writers adapt French plays. They sacrifice probability to prudery." + +FASHIONABLE LADY. "How sweetly penitent FERNANDE looks in her black +dress. I hope she will be innocent enough to wear white in the next act. +One shouldn't give way to repentance or grief for too long a time. Now +when my husband died I was in the deepest grief for six months, and then +slipped into half mourning so gradually that no one noticed the change." + +ACT III. FERNANDE _and_ CLOTILDE _are discovered discussing the question +of_ FERNANDE's _wedding outfit._ + +FERNANDE. "But does ANDRE know how naughty I behaved when I was an +innocent girl in a gambling-house?" + +CLOTILDE. "He does, my dear, but you mustn't speak of it to him," + +FERNANDE. "I will write to him then, and confess all. There isn't +anything to confess, but still I am determined to confess it." + +CLOTILDE. "Write if you choose. (_Aside._ I will put the letter in a +lamp-post box, so that he will never get it. On second thought I will +keep it. Some day I might want to use it.") + +FERNANDE _writes the letter and_ CLOTILDE _confiscates it._ ANDRE, +POMMEROL _and a variety of people come and go and talk of a variety of +things. Finally_ FERNANDE _and_ ANDRE _are led out to marriage, and the +dread ceremony is perpetrated. Curtain._ + +The fourth act opens with a pleasant family party at the house of the +newly married couple. The company play at that singular game of cards so +popular on the stage, in which everybody plays out of turn, and nobody +ever takes a trick. Finally they all go to bed except ANDRE, who goes to +sleep in his chair, as is doubtless the custom with newly-married +Frenchmen. Presently CLOTILDE enters through a secret door and wakes him +up. + +ANDRE. "My dear CLOTILDE, you really mustn't. Think what my wife would +say. So innocent an angel would suspect there was something wrong in +your visiting me at midnight." + +CLOTILDE. "Base villain, you have deserted me. Now I am revenged. Your +wife was once a pretty waiter-girl and her name is FERNANDE. Call her +and ask her if I speak the truth." (_He calls her._) + +ANDRE. "Is your name FERNANDE? Ah, I see by the disorder of your back +hair that CLOTILDE's story is too true. Wretched girl, why did you not +tell me all before I married you?" + +FERNANDE. "Spare me. I was a pretty waiter-girl, but I wrote you a +letter and confessed my innocence." + +(_She faints on a worsted ottoman, while her husband raves like an_ +OTTOMAN _who has been worsted in a difficulty with an intruder into his +harem.) Enter_ POMMEROL. + +POMMEROL. "She speaks the truth. Here is her written confession. I took +it out of CLOTILDE's pocket. I will read it." (_Reads it._) + +FERNANDE. "You hear it? I confessed all my innocence. If you did not get +it, blame the post-office authorities, but do not throw the poker at +me." + +ANDRE. "FERNANDE! My love! My wife! Come back, and I will forgive your +innocence!" (_Tableau._) _Curtain._ + +RESPECTABLE MATRON. "Well, I will say that of all indecent plays this is +the worst. It isn't half as nice as that pretty _Frou-Frou_. The idea of +that miserable ANDRE forgiving such a hussy as his wife!" + +From which virtuous and venomous opinion the undersigned begs to differ. +The play is simply superb, in spite of the faults of the translation. It +is shocking only to the most prurient of prudes; and in point of +morality is infinitely better than _Frou-Frou_. And then it is played as +it ought to be. Miss MORANT is magnificent, Mr. LEWIS is immensely +funny, and Messrs. CLARKE and HASKINS are equal to whatever is required +of them. If _Frou-Frou_ ran a hundred nights, _Fernande_ ought to run +five hundred. And that it may is the sincere hope of + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +A NEW MUSICAL SENSATION. + +It is stated that the Oneida Indians have organized a cornet band. This +new combination of Copper and brass will doubtless have a very pleasing +effect. + + * * * * * + +THE WATERING PLACES. + +PUNCHINELLO'S VACATIONS. + +Last week Mr. PUNCHINELLO took a run over to Saratoga. He bought +DISRAELI'S new novel to read in the cars, and he very soon made up his +mind that if the book correctly described the tone of society in +England, it is safe to say that it is low there. + +Reaching the town of merry Springs and doleful Swallows, Mr. P. went +straight to the house of the good LELANDS. When he got there he was +amazed--he couldn't believe that that grand palace was the old "Union." +But he soon reflected that it was the fashion, now-a-days, to +reconstruct old Unions of every kind, and so it wasn't so surprising to +his mind after he had got through with his reflections. But he couldn't +help hoping that the fellows down at Washington, who were also at work +on an old Union, would turn out as good a job as the LELANDS had. As +soon as he got inside, Mr. P. summoned his friend WARREN, that they +might consult together about his accommodations. There were plenty of +vacant rooms, but Mr. P. made up his mind that he would prefer to take +one of those delightful cottages in the court-yard. One of these was so +much more gorgeous than the others, that Mr. P. chose it on the spot. + +"Ah!--yes--" quoth the gentle WARREN, "I should be delighted, I'm sure, +but that cottage is reserved especially for the Empress EUGENIE, who, +you know, is expected here daily." + +"Indeed!" said Mr. P. "If she is coming so soon, I could not, of course, +keep it very long. So tell me, my good friend, for what trifling sum +will you let me have this cottage till the Empress comes?" + +Mr. LELAND gazed earnestly at Mr. P., and asked him what he thought of +the Chinese question; and whether he believed that this would be a good +year for corn. Then Mr. P. struck a bargain for a back-room in the +seventh story of the right-hand tower. + +Early the next morning Mr. P., like a conscientious man as he is, went +to drink of the waters of the place. He had a strong belief, based upon +experience, that he would not fancy any of the old springs, and so he +tried a new one--the "Geyser." + +Mr. P. stayed a good while at the Geyser. There happened to be a young +lady there who insisted upon helping him to the water with her own lily +hands--the boy might dip it up, but she _must_ hand it to him--and she +had such a way with her that he drank fifty-one glasses. When he came +back to the hotel, and the good WARREN asked him what was the matter, he +merely remarked: + +"I'm a quiz, LELAND. If you choose, you may call me a Guy, sir." + +Mr. P. got himself analysed that day by Dr. ALLEN, and he was found to +consist principally of carbonate of Lime; Silicate of Potassa; Iodide of +Magnesia; and Chloride of Sodium; with a strong trace of Sulphate of +Strontia. + +At night, however, he was able to attend the hop in the grand saloon. +For a time Mr. P. danced with one girl right along. A pretty girl she +was, too, and the style of her dress showed very plainly that it was +EUGENIE she was hoping to see at Saratoga, and not Madame OLLIVIER. +Well, she had not danced with Mr. P. more than a couple of hours when +she left him for a Pole--one of these wandering Counts that you always +see at such places--a regular hop-Pole, in fact. Mr. P. got very angry +at this insult, and if he had had his way he would have had the fellow +partitioned off--like his beloved country. He was so wrathy, indeed, +that when the hop was over he started on an Arctic expedition, but he +had the same luck as KANE, HALL, and the other fellows. + +He never saw that Pole. + +After this, Mr. P. thought he would keep away from the ladies--but it +was of no use to think. There is a _something_ about Mr. +PUNCHINELLO--but it matters not--suffice it to say that he went out +buggy riding the next day with ANNA DICKINSON on the Lake road. The +horse he drove had belonged to LEONARD JEROME--he was out of "Cash" by +"Thunder," and he had sold him to the livery-man here. He was called a +"two-forty," but when he began to go, Mr. P. was of the opinion that a +musician would have considered his style entirely too _forte_. They had +not ridden more than half way to BARHYTE'S, before Mr. P. began to feel +his arm bones coming out. But the "Princess of the Platform" was +delighted. + +"Why, you're a capital fellow, Mr. PUNCHINELLO," she cried. "There's +nothing slow or fogeyish about you. You ought to be on the _Revolution_, +now that TILTON is putting live people there." + +"I shall be a tiltin' myself, and on a revolution too," said Mr. P., "if +this confounded horse don't slack up." + +"Why, what do you mean?" said Miss D. + +"I mean we shall upset," said he. + +"He's got his head too much your side," screamed Miss D. "Hadn't you +better pull on the left string?" + +"No, I hadn't," yelled Mr. P., as the horse commenced to run. + +"But _I_ think you had," cried she. "Don't you believe that women are +naturally as capable of understanding and determining what laws will be +as equitable, and what measures as effective to those ends, as men?" + +"No, I don't!" cried Mr. P., sawing away at the horse's mouth, and +beginning to make a little impression upon it. + +"You should pull that left leather string!" she cried again. "Don't I +know? How dare you make sex a ground of exclusion from the possession +and exercise of equal rights!" and with this, she made a grab at the +left rein. + +It is of no use entering into further particulars of this ride. Towards +evening, Mr. P. and his companion returned to Saratoga and delivered to +the livery-man his equipage--that is, what was left of it. + +That evening, Mr. P. was sitting in his room, very busy over a new +conundrum for his paper. He had got the answer all right, but to save +his life, he could not get a question to suit it. While he was thus +puzzling his brains, there came a knock at the door, and to him entered +the Hon. JOHN MORRISSEY. + +"Good evenin', P.," says JOHN, taking, at the same time, a seat, and one +of Mr. P.'s _Partagas_. "I want you to do something for me." + +"And what is it?" said Mr. P., with a benevolent smile. + +"Why, you see," said the Hon. JOHN, "I'm very busy just now--the +commencement of the season, you know--and I would like you to serve in +my place for a while." + +"Why, Congress will soon adjourn now!" said Mr. P. + +"Oh, yes!" said MORRISSEY, "but I'm on a committee which must serve in +the recess. Me and BILL KELLEY are the two chaps appointed as a +committee to weigh all the pig-iron that has been imported in the last +year, and to see if the gover'ment hasn't been swindled, in either the +deal or the play. Now you see that ain't in my line at all, and as soon +as I heard you were here, I thought you were the man to take my place." + +"I'm sorry," said Mr. P., "but really, JOHN, I haven't the time. It's a +sort of committee of ways and means, isn't it?" + +"Well," said JOHN, "a fellow weighs, that's true; and the whole business +is mean enough. But if you can't take hold of it, we'll say no more +about it. Come on down with me to my place and have some supper." + +"Your place!" said Mr. P. "Have you a place here?" + +"Yes, _sir_," said the Congressman, "a bully club-house, and it's paid +for too; and if you'll come along I'll give you a hearty welcome and +some good cigars--and not dime ones, either," added he, throwing away +the greater part Mr. P.'s _Partaga_. + +The personal property of Mr. PUNCHINELLO consisted principally of U. S. +5.20 coupon bonds of 1868; Chicago and Northwestern--preferred; Hannibal +and St. Joseph--1st mortgage bonds; a heavy deposit of bullion, mostly +gold bars; and Ashes in inspection ware-house, both pots and pearls. + +When, early the next morning, he left the club-house of his friend, the +Congressman, he was still the proud owner of his Ashes--both pots and +pearls. + +Saratoga is too expensive a place for a long sojourn, and Mr. P. left +the next day. + + * * * * * + +COMIC ZOOLOGY. + +ORDER, PACHYDERMATA.--THE RHINOCEROS. + +There are several species of the Rhinoceros, some of which have one +horn, like a Unicorn, others two, like a Dilemma. All the varieties are +as strictly vegetarian as the late SYLVESTER GRAHAM, but their fondness +for a botanic diet may be ascribed to instinct, rather than reflection, +as they are not ruminating animals. The most formidable of the tribe is +the Black Rhinoceros of Equatorial Africa, which is particularly +dangerous when it turns to Bay. Though dull of eye and ear, this +ponderous beast will follow a scent with wonderful tenacity, and the +promptness with which it makes its tremendous charges has earned for it, +among European hunters, the sobriquet of the "Ready Rhino." The fact +that the Black Rhinoceros is armed with two horns, while most of the +white species have but one, may perhaps account for the greater +viciousness of the former--it being generally admitted that the most +ferocious of all known monsters are those which have been furnished with +a plurality of horns. This is the position taken by the famous New +England naturalist, NEAL DOW, in his dissertations on that destructive +Eastern pachyderm, the Striped Pig, and it seems to be fully borne out +by the history of the great Scriptural Decicorn, as given by the +inspired Zoologist, ST. JOHN. + +We learn from Sir SAMUEL BAKER and other Nimrods of the Ramrod who have +hunted up the Nile, that herds of the Black Rhinoceros are pretty +thickly sprinkled throughout the whole extent of the Nilotic basin, and +especially near the great watershed which forms the primary source of +the mysterious river. The natives of that region universally regard the +creature as a Rum customer, and not having the requisite Spirit to face +it boldly, they set Gins under the Tope trees, at the places where it +comes to drink, and thus effect its destruction. + +As the Rhinoceros, whatever its species, seeks the densest covert, and +its hide is almost impenetrable, it is a difficult animal to bag. Its +peltry being of about the same consistency and thickness as the +vulcanized India Rubber used in cushioning billiard tables, balls often +rebound from it without producing a score. This difficulty may, however, +be obviated--according to Sir SAMUEL BAKER--by firing half-pound shells +from the shoulder, with a rifle of proportionate size, and if the +Sporting Bulletins of that enterprising traveller are not shots with the +long bow, he carried the war into Africa to some purpose, not +unfrequently bagging his Baker's dozen of Rhinoceroses in the course of +forty-eight hours. The African and the Asiatic species bear a general +resemblance to each other, although probably, if placed side by side, +points of difference would be observed between them. + +It is a disputed question among Biblical commentators whether the +Rhinoceros or the Hippopotamus is the Behemoth of Scripture, but as the +Rhinoceros feeds on furze and the Hippopotamus does not, it would seem +that the terminal syllable "moth" more properly applies to the latter. +As numerous fossil remains of the animal have been found from time to +time in the Rhenish provinces of Germany, it is supposed by some +archaeologists that prior to the Noachian Deluge its principal habitat +was the Valley of the Rhine, where it was known as the Rhine-horse. The +"horse," it is alleged, was subsequently corrupted into "hoss," +whereupon the lexicographers, uncertain which of the two renderings was +the true one, called it in their vocabularies the "Rhine horse or hoss," +and thence the present still more senseless corruption, "Rhinoceros." +This is, of course, mere theory, but it is supported by the well +authenticated parallel case of the Nylghau--more properly Nile +Ghaut--which derived its name from the singular fact that it was never +seen by any human being in the neighborhood of the Ghauts of the Nile. +Although the Nile has such a fishy reputation that stories from that +source are generally taken _cum grano salis_, or profanely characterised +(see Cicero) as "_Nihil Tam incredible_," the above statement in +relation to the Nylghau will not be seriously disputed by any well +informed naturalist. + +The general aspect of the Rhinoceros is that of a hog in armor on a +grand scale. The males of the genus are called bulls, but they are more +like boars, with the tusk inverted and transferred by Rhino-plastic +process to the nose. When enraged, the animal exalts its horn and +trumpets like a locomotive, whereupon it is advisable to give it the +right of way, as to face the music would be dangerous. + + * * * * * + +SIC SEMPER E PLURIBUS, ETC. + + Oh, Star-spangled Banner! once emblem of glory, + And guardian of freedom and justice and law, + How bright in the annals of war was thy story! + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + Time was when the nations beheld thee and trembled, + Though now they assure us they don't care a straw + For wrath which they say is but poorly dissembled; + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + They _know_ our best ships are dismantled or rotten, + _We_ know that they'll soon be abolished by law, + And FARRAGUT'S triumphs are nearly forgotten; + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + The soldiers whose best days were spent in our service-- + Whose manhood we claimed as our right by the law, + As paupers must die, since their cost would unnerve us; + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + We look for respect in the eyes of the nations, + And man our defences with soldiers of straw, + To save for vile uses their pay and their rations; + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + With armies reduced, and the ghost of a navy, + Of course we must trust to our ancient _eclat_; + Economy now is the cry, we must save a + Few millions for thieves to steal--_unum go bragh!_ + + "_Sun_" DANA may bluster as much as he pleases-- + Our friend, Mr. FISH, is sustained by the law, + And old Mr. BENNETT just bellows to tease us; + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + There's LOGAN, who once had the heart of a hero-- + Alas! that same heart is now only a craw, + And its vigor has sunk away down below Zero; + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + His action has sadden'd the hearts of more freemen + Than fought under GRANT in defence of the law; + Well--well--never mind--we can boast of our women; + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + The people may some day awake to the notion + That statesmen can tamper too much with the law, + And send them to regions less genial than Goshen; + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR NURSERY-MAIDS. + _Julia._ (_Who has been cautioned not to leave the private park on any + account_.) "WHICH WAY NOW, MARY ANN?" + + _Mary Ann._ "TO THE MILLINER'S. AND YOU?" + + _Julia._ "TO THE DRESSMAKER'S." + + _Mary Ann._ "OH, WHAT BOTHERS CHILDREN IS!"] + + * * * * * + +ON CATS. + +Some cats are black, some brown, some white, some "arf and arf." + +Some cats are gentle, and require a good deal of pinching and +"worriting" to bring them to the scratch, like some persons, who require +to get their dander up before they'll show fight. + +Other cats, however, are very vicious. These, from their spitting +proclivities, might be called Spitfires. I dare say this regards black +cats most, whose backs, when rubbed in the dark, are seen to emit +_sparks_. + +A cat that is good at the spitting business, and well up in the trade, +can do a smart thing or two in the defensive line--as when confronted by +a dog, for instance. If the feline can only keep up a vigorous and well +directed spitting, the canine is almost sure to retreat, with his tail +between his legs, (if it is not too short to get there.) + +Cats are generally considered rat and mouse destroyers. I dare say they +are, though the two I once kept (I drowned them in the cistern) were +more notorious as crockery destroyers than anything else. I thought, on +the whole, that they exterminated more raw beef than rats and mice, so I +consigned them to a watery grave. + +It was a good thing for WHITTINGTON that there are such things as mice, +and cats (if they are not too fat) to destroy them. His cat was truly +worth its weight in gold to him. Such a cat should have been embalmed +for the benefit of posterity. It must have been a noble sight to see the +feline banquetting on the dainty joints of the _mus_ in the Fejee +palace, and WHITTINGTON getting a bag of gold for each victim his +follower devoured. Honor to WHITTINGTON and his Cat! + +Cats are very fond of birds--when they can get 'em, "otherwise not." To +see a cat watching a bird, you would think there was some magnetic +attraction in the love line between them. There may be, _before hand_. +But let the cat once touch its sought-for, and I assure you there is no +love lost. By some accident or other, the little birdie goes down +Grimalkin's throat. + +A cat has nine lives, we are told; something like old METHUSELAH, who, +they declare, got so tired of living that he had to die to get some +relief. I know some ladies who would like to borrow a life or two from +the cat, especially those on the wrong side of the line, as regards +thirty. Owing to the nine lives, a cat may be jerked about pretty +promiscuously from third story windows, _et cetera_. They have a knack +of falling on their feet, which a good many BLONDINS would like to +have--especially when a rope breaks, and when they "a kind of" forget +that "Pride must have a fall." + +Such are a few remarks on Cats of every description. As this ain't a +Prize Essay, I don't give the different species, which are as numerous +as the hairs of my head, and these are now pretty numerous, as I am not +particular about cutting them. + +BILL BISCAY. + + * * * * * + +"DY(E)ING AND SCOURING DONE HERE." + +A Correspondent of one of the daily papers, writing from Athens, on the +subject of the brigandage outrages lately perpetrated in Greece, says +that "the Kingdom is scoured by soldiers." + +That's right. It has long been a very dirty little Kingdom, and a good +scouring by soldiers is the only thing to obliterate the numerous Greece +spots with which it has been tarnished. + + * * * * * + +NOW'S YOUR CHANCE. + +The attention of the New York daily newspapers is called to the fact +that the mosquitoes down in Maine this season are uncommonly large and +extremely numerous. Now, it is well known that fleas can be trained to +do (upon a small scale) many things usually done by human beings; and +why may not the very largest of the mosquitoes be educated to manage the +daily newspapers? How beautifully would they buzz! how venomously would +they bite! how remorselessly would POTT, (of _The Independent_,) let +loose his insect champions upon SLURK, of _The Gazette_! + +P. S. Mr. PUNCHINELLO begs leave to observe that no allusion is here +intended to Mr. TILTON'S _Independent_, which is extremely well supplied +with mosquitoes already. + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +One of the most heart-rending elopements on record is that of MORDECAI +SKAGGS, an Indianian by birth, but a Chicagoan by adoption, who left a +legitimate spouse at Owen, Spencer County, Indiana, and fled with a +beautiful "affinity" toward the "Lake City." The deserted wife, like a +pursuing Nemesis, "went for him." She tracked him from stage to stage of +his journey, and finally overtook the fugitive, but not before he had +"consummated marriage a second time." + +When found, she did not pause "to make a note" of MORDECAI, but seized +him by the beard, very much as OTHELLO did the "uncircumcised Jew;" yet, +not caring to slay him outright, she exploded a pitcher of ice-water +upon his heated brow, and while still clasping his dishevelled locks +pelted the supposed guilty partner of his flight with the fragments of +the broken vessel. But the chief shock of this disaster, to the +unfortunate SKAGGS, occurred in the interval of a brief cessation of +hostilities, when the enraged wife demanded to know of the other woman +why she had thus outraged the sanctity of her domestic altars, and the +"other woman" explained that the too seductive SKAGGS had represented +himself as a single man. Thereupon the two joined forces, and set upon +MORDECAI; pulling his hair out by the roots; scarifying his manly phiz +with their delicate claws; and so marring and disfiguring this +"double-breasted" deceiver that not even the penetration of the maternal +eye could discover in that battered carcass the once familiar lineaments +of a beloved son. + +The thought suggested to PUNCHINELLO by this catastrophe is whether we +may not safely leave the iniquity of Western divorce law to work out its +own salvation, when it provokes the use of such weapons, and makes it +possible for the penalty to follow so closely upon the heels of crime. + + * * * * * + + +A. T. STEWART & Co. + +OFFER A LARGE LOT OF + +JAPANESE POPLINS at 50 cts. per yard; recent price $1. + +LYON'S CHECKED SILKS, SPRING COLORS, $1 per yard; reduced from $1.50 + +LYON'S CHECKED SILKS, SPRING COLORS, $1.25 per yard; reduced from $1.75. + +HEAVY CHINE SILKS, GRISAILLE COLORS, $1.50 per yard; value $2.50. + +An Elegant Assortment of + +Choice Colors In Mozambique Poplins, + +Extra Fine Quality. + +ALSO + +A Variety of Novelties in + +Checked, Striped and Plain-Colored Poulte De Sole, + +Just received per last steamer. + + +BROADWAY, + +4th Ave., 9th and 10th Streets. + + * * * * * + +A. T. Stewart & Co. + +Have just received + +TWO CASES + +Extra Fine Elboeuf Cassimeres, + +The very Latest Paris Novelties. + +BROADWAY, + +4th Ave., 9th and 10th Streets. + + * * * * * + +A. T. Stewart & Co. + +WILL OFFER, + +Prior to taking their Semi-Annual Inventory, + +Extraordinary Bargains + +IN EVERY DESCRIPTION OF + +Silks, Dress Goods, &c., + +BROCHE GRENADINES, 25 cts. per yard; reduced from 40 cts. + +PRINTED ORGANDIES, extra fine, 20 cts. per yard; reduced from 40 cts. + +SHIRTING CAMBRICS, yard wide, only 12-1/2 cts. per yard. + +Llama Lace Shawls, Jackets, Iron +Grenadine Bareges, Real +India Camel's Hair +Shawls. + +_Plain Centres, Wide Borders, only $35 and upward._ + +PARIS MADE + +SILK CLOAKS AND SACQUES, + +Richly Embroidered Breakfast Jackets, &c. + +BROADWAY, + +4th Ave., 9th and 10th Streets. + + * * * * * + +A. T. Stewart & Co. + +Have made still further reductions in + +LADIES' LINEN AND COTTON SUITS, $5 each and upward. + +LAWN WALKING AND EVENING DRESSES, ELEGANTLY TUCKED, PUFFED, AND FLOUNCED, +$10 each upward. + +CHILDREN'S LINEN, LAWN, AND PIQUE SUITS, +TRIMMED OR BRAIDED, $1.50 each upward. + +LADIES' AND CHILDREN'S UNDERWEAR, WEDDING TROUSSEAUX, INFANTS' WARDROBES +BATHING SUITS, BOYS' CLOTHING, LADIES' PARIS AND DOMESTIC-MADE HATS AND +BONNETS, TRIMMED, $3 each upward. UNTRIMMED, $1 each upward. + +Flowers, Feathers, &c. + +_Customers and the residents of the neighboring +cities are respectfully invited to examine._ + +BROADWAY, + +4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO, + +The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly +Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. 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KERR, + +Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the year. + +A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, with superb +illustrations of + +1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW +JERSEY. + +2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken as he appears +"Every Saturday," +will also be found in the same number. + + * * * * * + +_Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from this office, +free,) Ten Cents. + +Subscription for One Year, one copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4. + + +Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new serial, which +promises to be the best ever written by ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe +now, to insure its regular receipt weekly. + +We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one who wishes +to see them, in view of subscribing, on the receipt of SIXTY CENTS. + +Address, + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +P. O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau. St., New York. + + * * * * * + +Geo. W. Wheat, Printer, No. 8 Spruce Street. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 15, July 9, +1870, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 15 *** + +This file should be named 7p11510.txt or 7p11510.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 7p11511.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 7p11510a.txt + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra Brown +and PG Distributed Proofreaders + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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DROOD, + +By ORPHEUS C. KERR, + +Continued in this Number. + + +[Sidenote: See 15th Page for Extra Premiums.] + + * * * * * + +NOW READY. + +The July Number of + +LIPPINCOTT'S MAGAZINE. + +An Illustrated Monthly of + +Literature, Science, and Education. + +Containing Seventeen Valuable and Entertaining Articles. + +NOTICE + +The July number of Lippincott's Magazine commences a New Volume (VI.) +The Publishers will send gratis the May and June Numbers, containing the +first Parts of Anthony Trollope's New Story, "Sir Harry Hotspur." to +parties subscribing before July 1st. $4.00 per annum. 35 cts per number. + +_For Sale at all the Book and News Stores._ + +J. B. LIPPINCOTT & Co., Publishers, + +715 & 717 Market St., Philadelphia. + + * * * * * + +CONANT'S + +PATENT BINDERS + +FOR + +"PUNCHINELLO," + +to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent postpaid on +receipt of One Dollar, by + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +83 Nassau Street, New York City. + + * * * * * + +HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S + +STEEL PENS. + +These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper than any +other Pen in the market. Special attention is called to the following +grades, as being better suited for business purposes than any Pen +manufactured. The + +"505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," + +we recommend for Bank and Office use. + +D. APPLETON & CO., + +Sole Agents for United States. + + * * * * * + +ERIE RAILWAY. + +TRAINS LEAVE DEPOTS + +Foot of Chambers Street + +and + +Foot of Twenty-Third Street, + +AS FOLLOWS: + +Through Express Trains leave Chambers Street at 8 A.M., 10 A.M., 5:30 P.M., +and 7:00 P.M., (daily); leave 23d Street at 7:45 A.M., 9:45 A.M., and 5:15 +and 6:45 P.M. (daily.) New and improved Drawing-Room Coaches will accompany +the 10:00 A.M. train through to Buffalo, connecting at Hornellsville with +magnificent Sleeping Coaches running through to Cleveland and Galion. +Sleeping Coaches will accompany the 8:00 A.M. train from Susquehanna to +Buffalo, the 5:30 P.M. train from New York to Buffalo, and the 7:00 P.M. +train from New York to Rochester, Buffalo and Cincinnati. An Emigrant train +leaves daily at 7:30 P.M. + +FOR PORT JERVIS AND WAY, *11:30 A.M., and 4:30 P.M., (Twenty-third Street, +*11:15 A.M. and 4:15 P.M.) + +FOR MIDDLETOWN AND WAY, at 3:30 P.M.,(Twenty-third Street, 3:15 P.M.); and, +Sundays only, 8:30 A.M. (Twenty-third Street, 8:15 P.M.) + +FOR GREYCOURT AND WAY, at *8:30 A.M., (Twenty-third Street, 8:15 A.M.) + +FOR NEWBURGH AND WAY, at 8:00 A.M., 3:30 and 4:30 P.M. (Twenty-third Street +7:45 A.M., 3:15 and 4:15 P.M.) + +FOR SUFFERN AND WAY, 5:00 P.M. and 6:00 P.M. (Twenty-third Street, 4:45 and +5:45 P.M.) Theatre Train, *11:30 P.M. (Twenty-third Street, *11 P.M.) + +FOR PATERSON AND WAY, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at 6:45, 10:15 and +11:45 A.M.; *1:45 3:45, 5:15 and 6:45 P.M. From Chambers Street Depot at +6:45, 10:15 A.M.; 12 M.; *1:45, 4:00, 5:15 and 6:45 P.M. + +FOR HACKENSACK AND HILLSDALE, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at 8:45 and +11:45 A.M.; $7:15 3:45, $5:15, 5:45, and $6:45 P.M. From Chambers Street +Depot, at 9:00 A.M.; 12:00 M.; $2:15, 4:00 $5:15, 6:00, and $6:45 P.M. + +FOR PIERMONT, MONSEY AND WAY, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at +8:45 A.M.; 12:45, {3:15 4:15, 4:46 and {6:15 P.M., and, Saturdays only, +{12 midnight. From Chambers Street Depot, at 9:00 A.M.; 1:00, {3:30, +4:15, 5:00 and {6:30 P.M. Saturdays, only, {12:00 midnight. + +Tickets for passage and for apartments in Drawing-Room and Sleeping +Coaches can be obtained, and orders for the Checking and Transfer of +Baggage may be left at the + +COMPANY'S OFFICES: + +241, 529, and 957 Broadway. +205 Chambers Street. +Cor. 125th Street & Third Ave., Harlem. +338 Fulton Street, Brooklyn. +Depots, foot of Chambers Street and foot +of Twenty-third Street, New York. +3 Exchange Place. +Long Dock Depot, Jersey City, +And of the Agents at the principal Hotels + +WM. R. BARR, +_General Passenger Agent._ + +L. D. RUCKER, +_General Superintendent._ + +* Daily. $ For Hackensack only. { For Piermont only. + +May 2D, 1870. + + * * * * * + +APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN + +"PUNCHINELLO" + +SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO + +J. NICKERSON, + +ROOM No. 4, + +No. 83 Nassau Street. + + + * * * * * + +DIBBLEEANIA, + +and + +Japonica Juice + +FOR THE HAIR. + +The most effective Soothing and Stimulating Compounds +ever offered to the public for the + +Removal of Scurf, Dandruff, &c. + +For consultation, apply at + +WILLIAM DIBBLEE'S, + +Ladies' Hair Dresser and Wig Maker. + +854 BROADWAY, N. Y. City. + + * * * * * + +WEVILL & HAMMAR, + +Wood Engravers, + +208 BROADWAY, + +NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +FORST & AVERELL + +Steam Lithograph, and Letter Press + +PRINTERS + +EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL +MANUFACTURERS. + +Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application + +23 Platt Street, and +20-22 Gold Street, +[P.O. Box 2845.] +NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +$34 Per Day. + +Agents Wanted! + +In every Town, County and State, to canvass for + +Henry Ward Beecher's Great Paper, + +With Which is GIVEN AWAY + +That superb and world-renowned work of art, "Marshall's Household +Engraving of Washington." The best paper and the grandest engraving +in America. Agents report "making $17 in half a day." "Sales easier +than books, and profits greater." Ladies or gentlemen desiring +immediate and largely remunerative employment; book canvassers, and +all soliciting agents will find more money in this than anything else. +It is something ENTIRELY NEW, being an UNPRECEDENTED COMBINATION and +very taking. Send for circular and terms to + +J. B. FORD & CO., 39 Park Row, New York. + + * * * * * + +FOLEY'S + +GOLD PENS. + +THE BEST AND CHEAPEST. + +256 BROADWAY. + + * * * * * + +Bowling Green Savings-Bank + +33 BROADWAY, +NEW YORK. + +Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M. + +_Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents to Ten Thousand +Dollars, will be received._ + +Six per Cent interest, Free of Government Tax. + +INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS +Commences on the First of every Month. + +HENRY SMITH, _President_ + +REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary._ + +WALTER ROCHE, } _Vice-Presidents._ +EDWARD HOGAN, } + + * * * * * + + +MERCANTILE LIBRARY + +Clinton Hall, Astor Place, + +NEW YORK. + +This is now the largest Circulating Library in America, the number of +volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 volumes are added each +month; and very large purchases are made of all new and popular works. + +Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each delivery. + +TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP: + +TO CLERKS, $1 INITIATION, $3 ANNUAL DUES. +TO OTHERS, $5 A YEAR. + +Subscriptions Taken for Six Months. + +BRANCH OFFICES + +at + +No. 76 Cedar St., New York, + +and at + +Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth. + + * * * * * +$2 to ALBANY and TROY. + +The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and Daniel Drew, commencing May 31, +will leave Vestry st. Pier at 8:45, and Thirty-fourth st. at 9 a.m., +landing at Yonkers, (Nyack, and Tarrytown by ferry-boat), Cozzens, West +Point, Cornwall, Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill, +Hudson, and New-Baltimore. A special train of broad-gauge cars in +connection with the day boats will leave on arrival at Albany +(commencing June 20) for Sharon Springs. Fare $4.25 from New York and +for Cherry Valley. The Steamboat Seneca will transfer passengers from +Albany to Troy. + + * * * * * + +HENRY L. STEPHENS, + +ARTIST, + +No. 160 FULTON STREET, + +NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +GEO. B. BOWLEND, + +Draughtsman & Designer + +No. 160 Fulton Street, + +Room No. 11, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +J. NICKINSON + +begs to announce to the friends of + +"PUNCHINELLO," + +residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has +made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of + +ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED, + +the same will be forwarded, postage paid. + +Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing +Houses, can have the same forwarded by inclosing two +stamps. + +OFFICE OF + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +83 Nassau Street. + +P.O. Box 2783] + + + + + + + + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + + +BALKS IN A BRUSH. + + +FLORA, having no relations in the world that she knew of, had, ever +since her seventh new bonnet, known no other home than Macassar Female +College, in the Alms-House, and regarded Miss CAROWTHERS as her +mother-in-lore. Her memory of her own mother was of a lady-like person +who had swiftly waisted away in the effort to be always taken for her +own daughter, and was, one day, brought down-stairs, by her husband, in +two pieces, from tight lacing. The sad separation (taking place just +before a party of pleasure), had driven FLORA'S father into a frenzy of +grief for his better halves; which was augmented to brain fever by Mr. +SCHENCK, who, having given a Boreal policy to deceased, felt it his duty +to talk gloomily about wives who sometimes died apart after receiving +unmerited cuts from their husbands, and to suggest a compromise of ten +per cent, upon the amount of the policy, as a much more cheerful +settlement than a coroner's inquest. FLORA'S betrothal had grown out of +the soothing of Mr. POTTS'S last year of mental disorder by Mr. DROOD, +an old partner in the grocery business, who, too, was a widower from his +wife's use of arsenic and lead for her complexion. The two bereaved +friends, after comparing tears and looking mournfully at each other's +tongues, had talked themselves to death over the fluctuations in sugar; +willing their respective children to marry in future for the sake of +keeping up the controversy. + +From the FLOWERPOT'S first arrival at the Alms-House, her new things, +engagement to be married, and stock of chocolate caramels, had won the +deepest affections of her teachers and schoolmates; and, on the morning +after the sectional dispute between EDWIN and MONTGOMERY, when one of +the young ladies had heard of it as a profound secret, no pains were +spared by the whole tender-hearted school to make her believe that +neither of the young men was entirely given up yet by the consulting +physicians. It was whispered, indeed, that a knife or two might have +passed, and two or three guns been exchanged; but she was not to be at +all worried, for persons had been known to get well with the tops of +their heads off. + +At an early hour, however, Miss PENDRAGON had paid a visit to her +brother, in Gospeler's Gulch; and, coming back with the intelligence, +that, while he had been stabbed to the heart, it was chiefly by cruel +insinuations and an umbrella, was enabled to assure Miss CAROWTHERS, in +confidence, that nothing eligible for publication in the New York Sun +had really occurred. Thus, when the legal conqueror of Breachy Mr. +BLODGETT entered that principal recitation-room of the Macassar, +formally known as the Cackleorium, she had no difficulty in explaining +away the panic. + +She said that "Unfounded Rumor, Ladies, is, we all know, a descriptive +phrase applied by the Associated Press to all important foreign news +procured a week or two in advance of its own similar European advices, +by the Press Association[A]. We perceive then, Ladies, (Miss JENKINS +will be good enough to stop scratching her nose while I am talking,) +that Unfounded Rumor sometimes means--hem!-- + + 'The Associated Press + In bitter distress.' + +In Bumsteadville, however, it has a signification more like what we +should give it in relation to a statement that Senator SUMNER had +delivered a Latin quotation without a speech selected for it. In this +sense, Ladies, (Miss PARKINSON can scarcely be aware of how much cotton +stocking can be seen when she lolls so,) the Unfounded Rumor concerning +two gentlemen of different political views in this county was not +correct. (Miss BABCOCK will learn four chapters in Chronicles by heart +to-night, for making her handkerchief into a baby,) as proper inquiries +have assured us that no more blood was shed than if the parties to the +strife had been a Canadian and a Fenian. We will, therefore, drop the +subject, and enter at once upon the flowery path of the first lesson in +algebra." + +This explanation destroyed all the interest of a majority of the young +ladies, who had anticipated a horridly delightful duel, at least; but +FLORA was slightly hysterical about it, even late in the afternoon, when +it was announced that her guardian had come to see her. + +Mr. DIBBLE, of Gowanus, had been selected for his trust on account of +his pre-eminent goodness, which, as seems to be invariably the case, was +associated with an absence of personal beauty trenching upon the +scarecrow. Possibly an excess of strong and disproportionate carving in +nose, mouth and chin, accompanied by weak eyes and unexpectedness of +forehead, may tend to make the Evil One but languid in his desire for +the capture of its human exemplar. This may help account for the +otherwise rather curious coincidence of frightful physiognomy and +preternatural goodness in this world of sinful beauties[B]. Under such a +theory, Mr. DIBBLE'S easy means of frightening the Arch-Tempter into +immediate flight, and keeping himself free from all possible incitement +to be anything but good, were a face, head and neck shaped not unlike an +old-fashioned water-pitcher, and a form suggestive of an obese lobster +balancing on an upright horse-shoe. His nose was too high up; his mouth +and chin bulged too tremendously; his neck inside a whole mainsail of +shirt-collar was too much fluted, and his eyes were as much too small +and oyster-like as his ears were too large and horny. + +Mr. DIBBLE found his ward in Miss CAROWTHER'S own private room, from +which even the government mails were generally excluded; and, after +saluting both ladies, and politely desiring the elder to remain present, +in order to be sure that his conversation was strictly moral, the +monstrous old gentleman pulled a memorandum book from his pocket and +addressed himself to FLORA. + +"I am a square man myself, dear kissling," he said, with much double +chin in his manner, "and like to do everything on the square. I am now +'interviewing' you, and shall make notes of your answers, though not +necessarily for publication. First: is your health satisfactory?" + +Miss POTTS admitted that, excepting occasional attacks of insatiable +longing for True Sympathy, chiefly produced by over-eating of pickles +and slate-pencils to avert excessive plumpness, she could generally take +pie twice without experiencing a subsequent reactionary tendency to +piety and gloomy presentiments. + +"Second: is your allowance of pin-money sufficient to keep you in cold +cream, Berlin wool, and other necessaries of life?" + +The FLOWERPOT confessed that she had now and then wished herself able to +buy a church and a velvet dressing-gown, (lined with cherry,) for a +young clergyman with the consumption and side-whiskers; but, under +common circumstances, her allowance was enough to procure all absolutely +requisite Edging without running her into debt, and still leave +sufficient to buy materials for any reasonable altar-cloth. + +"And now, my dear," said Mr. DIBBLE, evidently glad that all the more +important and serious part of the interview was over, "we come to the +subject of your marriage. Mr. EDWIN has seen you here, occasionally, I +suppose, and you may possibly like him well enough to accept him as a +husband, if not as a friend!" + +"He's such a perfectly absurd creature that I can't help liking him," +returned FLORA, gravely; "but I am not certain that my utterly +ridiculous deeper woman's love is entirely satisfied with the shape of +his nose." + +"That'll be mostly hidden by his whiskers, when they grow," observed her +guardian. + +"I hope they'll be bushy, with a frizzle at the ends and a bald place +for his chin," said the young girl, reflectively; then suddenly asked: +"If we _shouldn't_ be married, would either of us have to pay anything?" + +"I should say not," answered Mr. DIBBLE, "unless you sued him for +breach." (Here Miss CAROWTHERS was heard to murmur "BLODGETT," and +hastily took an anti-nervous pill.) "I should say that your respective +parents wished you to marry only in case you should see no other persons +whose noses you liked better. As on this coming Christmas you will be +within a few months of your marriage, I have brought your father's will +with me, with the intention of depositing it in the hands of Mr. EDWIN'S +trustee, Mr. BUMSTEAD--" + +"Oh, leave it with EDDY, if you'll please to be so ridiculously kind," +interrupted FLORA. "Mr. BUMSTEAD would certainly insist upon it that +there were _two_ wills, instead of one: and that would be so absurd." + +"Well, well," assented Mr. DIBBLE, rising to go, "I'm a perfectly square +man, even when I'm looking round, and will do as you wish. As a slight +memento of my really charming visit here, might I humbly petition yonder +lady to remit any little penalty that may happen to be in force just now +against any lovely student of the College for eating preserves in bed, +or writing notes to the Italian music teacher, who is already married, +or anything of that kind?" + +"FLORA," said Miss CAROWTHERS, graciously, "you may tell Miss BABCOCK, +that, in consequence of your guardian's request, she will be excused +from studying her Bible as a punishment." + +After due acknowledgment of this favor, the good Mr. DIBBLE made his +farewell bow, and went forth to the turnpike. Following that high road, +he presently found himself near the side-door of the Ritualistic Church +of Saint Cow's, and, while curiously watching the minor canons who were +carrying in some fireworks to be used in the next day's service, was +confronted by Mr. BUMSTEAD just coming out. + +"Let me see you home," said Mr. BUMSTEAD, hastily holding out an arm. +"I'll tell the family it's only vertigo." + +"Why, nothing is the matter with me," pleaded Mr. DIBBLE. "I've only +been having a talk with my ward." + +"I'll bet cloves for two that she didn't say she preferred me to NED," +insinuated Mr. BUMSTEAD, breathing audibly through his nose. + +"Then you'll not lose," was the answer; "for she did not tell me whom +she preferred to the one she wishes to marry. They never do; and +sometimes it is only discovered in Indiana. You and I surrender our +respective guardianships on Christmas, Mr. BUMSTEAD; until when +good-bye; and be early marriage their lot!" + +"Be early Divorce their lot!" said BUMSTEAD, thrusting his book of +organ-music so far under his coat-flap that it stuck out at the back +like a curvature of the spine. + +"I said marriage," cried Mr. DIBBLE, looking back. + +"I said Divorce," retorted Mr. BUMSTEAD, thoughtfully eating a clove, +"Don't one generally involve the other?" + + +[Footnote A: Oh, see here now, this is really too bad! The manner in +which the great American Adapter is all the time making totally +unexpected and vicious passes at the finest old cherished institutions +of the age is simply frightful. PUNCHINELLO should prevent it?--Well, +PUNCHINELLO _did_ remonstrate at an early stage of the Adaptation; and +the result was, that all the finest feelings of his nature were outraged +by an ensuing Chapter, in which was introduced a pauper burial-ground +swarming with deceased proprietors of American _Punches!_--EDS. +PUNCHINELLO.] + +[Footnote B: The whole idea is nothing less than atrocious; and, in our +judgment, the Adapter's actual purpose in putting it forth is to make +his own superlative goodness seem proved by a logical conclusion.--EDS. +PUNCHINELLO.] + + + + +CHAPTER X. + + +OILING THE WHEELS. + + +No husband who has ever properly studied his mother-in-law can fail to +be aware that woman's perception of heartless villainy and evidences of +intoxication in man is often of that curiously fine order of vision +which rather exceeds the best efforts of ordinary microscopes, and +subjects the average human mind to considerable astonishment. The +perfect ease with which she can detect murderous proclivities, Mormon +instincts, and addiction to maddening liquors, in a daughter's +husband--who, to the most searching inspection of everybody else, +appears the watery, hen-pecked, and generally intimidated young man of +his age--is one of those common illustrations of the infallible +acuteness of feminine judgment which are doing more and more, every day, +to establish the positive necessity of woman's superior insight, and +natural dispassionate fairness of mind, for the future wisest exercise +of the elective franchise and most just administration of the highest +judicial office. It may be said that the mother-in-law is the highest +development of the supernaturally perceptive and positive woman, since +she usually has superior opportunities to study man in all the stages +from marriage to madness; but with her whole sex, particularly after +certain sour turns in life, inheres an alertness of observation as to +the incredible viciousness of masculine character, which nothing less +than a bit of flattery or a happily equivocal reflection upon some rival +sister can either divert or mislead for a moment. + +"Now don't you really think, OLDY," said Gospeler SIMPSON to his mother, +as he sat watching her fabrication of an immense stocking for the poor, +"that Hopeless Inebriate and Midnight Assassin are a rather too severe +characterization of my pupil, Mr. MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON?" + +"No, I do not, OCTAVE," replied the excellent old nut-cracker of a lady, +who was making the charity stocking as nearly in the shape of a hatchet +as possible. "When a young man of rebel sentiments spends all his nights +in drinking lemon teas, and trying to spoil other young men's clothes in +throwing such teas at them, and is only to be put down by umbrellas, and +comes to his homes with cloves in his clenched fists, and has headaches +on the following days, he's on his way either to political office or the +gallows." + +"But he hasn't done so at all with s's to it," exclaimed the Reverend +OCTAVIUS, exasperated by so many plurals. "He did it but once, and then +he was strongly provoked. EDWIN mentioned the sharpness of his sister's +nose to him, and reflected casually upon the late well-known Southern +Confederacy." + +"Don't tell me!" reasoned the fine old lady, holding up the stocking by +its handle to see how much longer it must be to reach the wearer's +waist. "I'm afraid you're a copperhead, OCTAVE." + +"How you do cackle, OLDY!" said her son, who was very proud of her when +she kept still. "You can't see anything good in MONTGOMERY, because, +after the first seven or eight breakfasts with us, he said he was afraid +that so many fishballs would make his head swim." + +"My child," returned the old lady, thrusting an arm so far into the +charity stocking that she seemed to have the wrong kind of blue worsted +limb growing from one of her shoulders, "I have judged this dissipated +young man exactly as though he were my own son-in-law, and know that he +possesses an incendiary disposition. After the fireworks at Saint Cow's +Church, on Saint VITUS'S Day, that devoted Ritualistic Christian, Mr. +BUMSTEAD, came up to me in the porch, with his eyes nearly closed, on +account of the solemnity of the occasion, and began feeling around my +neck with both his hands. When I asked him to explain, he said that he +wanted to see whether my throat was cut yet, as he had heard that we +kept a Southern murderer at home. He was still very pale at what had +taken place in his room over night, when he finally said 'Good-day, +ladies,' to me. + +"MONTGOMERY is certainly attached to me, at any rate," murmured the +Gospeler, reflectively, "and has made no attempt upon my life." + +"That's because his sister restrains him," asserted the mother, with a +fond look. "I overheard her telling him, when she was at dinner here one +day, that you might be taken for a Southerner, if you only wore +dress-coat all the time and were heavily mortgaged. Withdraw her +influence, and the desperate young man would tar and feather us all in +our beds some night." + +Falling silent after this unanswerable proof of Mr. PENDRAGON'S guilt, +Mr. SIMPSON mused upon as much of the dear old nutcracker as was not +hidden by the vast charity stocking. In her ruffled cap, false front, +and spectacles, she was so exactly the figure one might picture Mr. JOHN +STUART MILL to be, after reading his latest literary knitting on the +Revolting Injustice of Masculine Society, that the Gospeler of Saint +Cow's could not help feeling how perfectly useless it was to expect her +to think herself capable of error. + +As, whenever the Reverend OCTAVIUS gave indication of a capacity for +speechless thoughtfulness, his benignant mother at once concluded that +he needed an anti-bilious pill, she now made all haste to the cupboard +to procure that imitation-vegetable and a glass of water. It was the +neatest, best-stored Ritualistic cupboard in Bumsteadville. Above it +hung a portrait of the Pope, from which the grand old Apostolic son of +an infallible dogma looked knowingly down, as though with the contents +of that cupboard he could get-up such a _schema_ as would be palatable +to the most skeptical Bishop in all the Oecumenical Council, and of +which be might justly say: Whosoever dare think that he ever tasted a +better _schema_, or ever dreamed in his deepest consciousness that a +better could be made, let him be anathema maranatha! A most rakish +looking wooden button, noiselessly stealthly and sly, gave entrance to +this treasury of dainties; and then what a rare array of disintegrated +meals intoxicated the vision! There was the Athlete of the Dairy, +commonly called Fresh Butter, in his gay yellow jacket, looking wore to +the knife. There was turgid old Brown Sugar, who had evidently heard the +advice, go to the ant, thou sluggard! and, and mistaking the last word +for Sugared, was going as deliberately as possible. There was the +vivacious Cheese, in the hour of its mite, clad in deep, creamy, golden +hue, with delicate traceries of mould, like fairy cobwebs. The Smoked +Beef, and Doughnuts, as being more sober and unemotional features of the +pageant, appeared on either side the remains of a Cold Chicken, as +rendering pathetic tribute to hoary age; while sturdy, reliable Hash and +Fishballs reposed right and left in their mottled and rich brown coats, +with a kind of complacent consciousness of having been created according +to Mrs. GLASS'S standard dictum, First catch your Hair. + +Gospeler SIMPSON, by natural law, alternated from this wonderful +cupboard, very regularly, to another, or sister cupboard, also presided +over by the good old maternal nut-cracker, wherein the energetic pill +lived in its little pasteboard house next door to the crystal palace of +smooth, insinuating castor oil; and passionate fiery essence of +peppermint grew hot with indignation at the proximity of plebeian +rhubarb and squills. In the present case he quietly took his +anti-bilious globule: which, besides being a step in the direction of +removing a pimple from his chin, was also intended as a kind of medical +preparation for his coming services in the Ritualistic Church, where, at +a certain part of the ceremonies, he was to stand on his head before the +Banner of St. Alban and balance Roman candles on his uplifted feet. When +the day had nearly passed, and the Vesper hour for those services +arrived, he performed them with all the less rush of blood to the head +for being thus prepared; yet there was still a slight sensation of +congestion, and, to get rid of this, when he stepped forth from Saint +Cow's in the twilight, it was to take an evening stroll along the shore +of Bumsteadville pond. + +(_To be Continued_.) + + * * * * * + +CONDENSED CONGRESS. + + +SENATE. + +[Illustration 'D'] + +Down again came the furious FRANK. But not the fiery Hun. Mr. STOCKTON +was Frank. He said he represented New Jersey. (Enthusiastic Groans.) The +constituents of New Jersey were a peculiar people. Such was their +depravity that they said they would rather have fifty per cent taken off +their taxes than to receive the speeches of their representatives in +Congress free of charge. Under these circumstances they looked upon the +franking privilege, he regretted to say, as a swindle, and remonstrated +with him, with tears in their expressive and fish-like eyes, against +being hidden by a shower of public documents. The Congressional Globe +made a very inferior article of lamp-lighters, and the proud pigs of New +Jersey declined to fatten upon the Patent Office reports. + +Mr. TIPTON was in favor of the franking privilege. What good would it do +anybody if Congressmen drew postage-stamps in lieu of writing their +names. As for him, he found it much easier to draw postage-stamps than +to write his name, and he was sure that none of them were so lost to a +sense of their own dignity as to pay their own postages, like ordinary +human beings. + +Mr. STEWART said certainly not. The only thing was that there would be +an account kept of the number of postage-stamps they drew, but nobody +knew how often a man used his frank. He himself had been censured for +franking a few tons of pig-iron from Washington to Nevada. But no amount +of postage-stamps would have carried it. + +Mr. DRAKE referred to the darkest hour of the late war, when +postage-stamps were current, and when, if the proposed changes were +effected, they could have made the Post-Office department pay for their +drinks. But in the present state of the South, when the Ku-Klux Klan, in +spite of his most earnest endeavors, refused to kill anybody, he saw no +hope that those golden hours would return. Therefore he thought it best +to cleave to his frank. + + +HOUSE. + +Mr. LOGAN desired to expel WHITTEMORE permanently. WHITTEMORE had really +gone too far, and if they let him in people would consider that they +were no better, and institute investigations of a disagreeable nature +into the conduct of Congress generally. Of course the House had a right +to expel him. It had a right to expel everybody but himself. + +Mr. ELDRIDGE said that directly Mr. LOGAN would be claiming that he--Mr. +ELDRIDGE--ought to be expelled. This would be unpleasant to him. He +would not die in spring-time. + +MR. BUTLER said, in default of getting San Domingo annexed, he would +like to get the patent of a friend of his in Massachusetts extended. + +Mr. FARNSWORTH objected, upon the ground that Mr. BUTLER had received +shekels from the patentee. + +Mr. BUTLER said, if he had, he hadn't so much hair on his face as +FARNSWORTH. + +The Comic Speaker performed a solo on the gavel, and said it was none of +FARNSWORTH'S business anyhow. + +Mr. FARNSWORTH said Mr. BUTLER had got $2,000, and hadn't earned it. + +Mr. BUTLER said Mr. FARNSWORTH was a coward and an assassin. + +The Comic Speaker said he rather thought FARNSWORTH was a coward, but +assassin was unparliamentary. + +Mr. FARNSWORTH said the evidence showed that BUTLER was on one side +before he got a fee, and on the other afterwards. + +Mr. BUTLER said there was nothing green in his eye. As for FARNSWORTH, +nobody would ever pay him $2000 for anything. + +The Comic Speaker said that all Mr. FARNSWORTH'S remarks were perfectly +shocking. As for Mr. BUTLER, his conduct was admirable. + +Mr. SCHENCK saw that the interest was absorbed by FARNSWORTH and BUTLER, +and tried to divert it by getting up a little shindy with LOGAN. He said +LOGAN wanted everything done in LOGAN'S way, when notoriously everything +ought to be done in SCHENCK'S way. + +Mr. LOGAN said SCHENCK had led the House by the nose for four weeks. Now +he proposed to lead it for a few days himself--by the ear. + +The Comic Speaker said he liked to see this. It made things lively for +the boys. He hoped SCHENCK and LOGAN would keep on. But they didn't; and + +Mr. DAWES said he had charged some time ago that the expenses of the +Government had increased. He wished to take that back. It seemed there +had been an error in the accounts. The Government had made a mistake +against itself of seventy-six millions, and another in favor of itself +of seventy-seven millions. Both added together made more than a hundred +and fifty millions, which would reduce the expenses below those of the +traitor, murderer, viper, and unpleasant person known as ANDREW JOHNSON. + + * * * * * + +CURRENT FABLES. + +THE BULLS AND THE BEAVERS. + + +The Lion claimed dominion over all the beasts wherever they were found, +but some of them were rebellious. Among the malcontents were the Bulls, +part of whom inhabited a pasture so rich that it was called the Green +Isle, while others lived in a charming country with "the best government +the world ever saw," owned and occupied by the Eagles. Adjoining the +latter was a colony of quiet and inoffensive Beavers. The Bulls, angry +at the Beavers for their humble submission to the rule of the remote +Lion, resolved to make war upon them. Accordingly, those Bulls who lived +in the Land of the Eagles proceeded to invade the colony, intending to +dispossess the Beavers and form a government of their own. But the +Eagles had a reasonable degree of respect for the Lion, not so much on +account of his individual strength, which was comparatively trivial, but +because he was the ruler of all manner of beasts. So their leader, after +making the second memorable speech of his life, in which he said "The +Eagles is at peace with the Lion," despatched a little Eaglet to arrest +the progress of the Bulls. This messenger, flying to the edge of the +Beaver's colony, caught and confined in a prison the leader of the +Bulls, who, as he was being conducted to jail, cried out, "Verily it is +not the strength of the individual, but the number of his supporters, +which is the measure of his power." + + * * * * * + +THERMOMETRICAL. + +In the present torrid state of the weather, can the Oriental +craftsmanship lately introduced here be properly termed Coolie labor? + + * * * * * + +THEATRICAL NOTE. + +The OATES troupe now performing at the Olympic Theatre must not be +confounded with the Horse Opera. + + * * * * * + +BETTER LATE THAN NEVER. + +It occurs in PUNCHINELLO, at this late day, to remark that the friends +of America in England, even in the darkest hours of the rebellion, were +ever disposed to look on the BRIGHT side. + + * * * * * + +POETRY VERSUS PROSE. + +A traveller, who has lately been shipwrecked on the ocean, has a notion +that there is precious little poetry in being Rocked in the cradle of +the deep. + + * * * * * + +THE ONLY GERMAN POET RECOGNIZED IN WALL STREET. + +KÖRNER. + + * * * * * + +FUN AND FIN. + +[Illustration: 'S'] + +Since President GRANT's famous trouting excursion to Pennsylvania, +piscatorial pastimes appear to have become quite the thing among the +magnates of the Government. The following item from Washington, cut from +a morning paper, reads very like a bit of gossip from the history of the +Court of CHARLES II: + +"General SPINNER and some of his female Treasury clerks went to the +Great Falls to-day to catch black bass." + +Redolent of all that is rural and sweet, is the idea of SPINNER, +surrounded by a bevy of his "female Treasury clerks," reclining upon a +shady rock just over the Great Falls. We behold SPINNER, with our mind's +eye, "fixing" a bait for one of the lovely young fisherwomen, while half +a dozen of the others are engaged in fanning him and "Shoo-ing" the +flies away from his expressive nose. The picture is a very pretty one, +recalling to mind some brilliant pastoral by WATTEAU. There are numerous +accessories arranged in the foreground, such as hampers of cold chicken +pie, hams of the richest pink and yellow hues, and baskets of champagne, +and it would be interesting to know who pays for all. "Spinning a +minnow," as the anglers term it, for black bass, is a very appropriate +pastime for SPINNER, but, for a fresh-water fisherman, there is +something very Salt Lakey in that arrangement regarding the "female +Treasury clerks." + + * * * * * + +"LOT" ON A LOT OF PROVERBS. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO: One of my friends, who, much to the disgust of his +fellow boarders, is constantly playing an adagio movement in B flat upon +a flute, (that may not be the correct musical term, but no one will ever +know it unless you tell,) informs me that you are astute; another +friend, who makes cigar stumps into chewing tobacco, says, you're "up to +snuff." Assuming the truth of those statements, I apply to you for +information. You have the ability, have you also the inclination, to aid +a poor, weary mariner on the voyage of life, (in the steerage,) who has +been buffeted by reason, tempest-tossed by imagination, becalmed by +fancy, wrecked by stupidity, (other people's,) and is now whirling +helplessly in the Maelstrom of conundrums? (If that doesn't touch your +heart, then has language failed to accomplish the end for which it was +designed--to deceive others.) + +I'm the great American searcher after truth, and, though I've been at +the bottom of every well, except the Artesian ones, I am still a +searcher. Can you refuse to throw a straw to a drowning man, or a crumb +to a starving fellow-creature? Knowing that you have a mammoth heart, +and abundance of straw, and lots of bread, I feel that you cannot. List! +oh, list! and I will my caudal appendage unfold. + +Is enough as good as a feast, if the former is enough of walloping and +the latter is composed of pheasant and champagne? (i.e.: Is real pain as +good as champagne?) TOM ALLEN evidently got enough in his late fight, +but I'm inclined to think that he would rather strain his jaws at a +feast than at a fisticuff. The Young Democracy once got enough staying +out in the cold, but, when some of them were admitted to the feast, they +did not appear to be at all satisfied, but grabbed at the choicest +titbits. + +Is one bird in the hand worth two in the bush, if the one in the hand is +the Police Board, and those in the bush are the Supervisorship and the +Health Board? And suppose you've succeeded in getting your fingers on +those in the bush, wouldn't you try to make a haul? Why, I can imagine a +man who might have the Governor's place in hand, and yet consider one +bird in the bush better, if that bird could sing an old tune called +White House. + +How can it be possible that this world is all a fleeting show? I've +visited a great many shows, and have found that all of them are +conducted on the same principle. You pay your money at the door, sit +undisturbed through the performance, unless some junk-man should take to +junketing, and get out easily, the proprietor in fact seeming rather +glad to get rid of you. But when you enter the world, you pay nothing, +on your way through it you pay constantly, and getting out of it--at the +present prices of coffins and bombazines--is one of the most expensive +things on record. + +Why mustn't you look a gift horse in the mouth, if you are prudent +enough to do it on the sly? Besides, don't everybody look in the horse's +mouth, as soon as the giver has departed? Suppose you're patriotic, and +offer your son to Uncle SAM as a gift, to use in his civil service, +isn't Mr. JENCKES's bill designed as a means of looking into your son's +mouth? Maybe it's to find out if he's a public cribber. What I want to +know is, does this prohibition apply to donkeys? + +What possible connection can there be between doing handsome and being +handsome? Now there's BROWN, who persuaded me, on or about black Friday, +to buy his gold at the highest figures, and thus did a very handsome +thing (for himself), but he is still the ugliest looking man in our +street. + +If it be true, as stated in "The Gates Ajar," that there will be pianos +in heaven, haven't the men who learned harp-making, on the theory that +it was a permanent business, been grossly deceived, and haven't they an +action for damages against somebody, if they can find out who it is? + +If all the world's a stage, what are cars? I admit that all Broadway is +a stage, but is it at all probable that GOV. HOFFMAN vetoed the Arcade +railroad bill on that account? Besides, if all the world's a stage, why +should the men who carry passengers care about the duty on steel rails? + +Is it true that a man must not laugh at his own jokes? Don't you suppose +that the man who invented the _canard_ about the Jews in Roumania is +laughing at the squabble which he has raised between the Associated +Press and the American Press Association, by means of his little joke? +And don't you suppose, when the returns of the last election came in, +that Mr. TWEED laughed very vigorously at his little joke, called the +new election law? If Congress should keep on joking for the rest of the +session, and, as a result, the Republican party should be turned out of +power, don't you suppose that the members will laugh--on the other side +of their mouths? + +There is a certain saying, which everybody retails, about the kind of +people who tell the truth. Now I always tell the truth. I'm exactly like +GEORGE WASHINGTON. If I had cut down the cherry tree, and my stern +parent had appeared upon the scene with a rawhide and asked me who did +it, I should have instantly replied, the hatchet. But I am not a child. +Can it be that I am the other thing? + +Now, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, can you do those sums? I have tried them in every +possible way. I have let X equal the unknown quantity, but I don't know +Y. If you can solve the problems, will you send me the answers by the +first post? + +Yours, + +LOT. + +[Our correspondent seems to labor under the impression that we are a +primary arithmetic, or a dictionary, or a conundrum book. We regret his +mistake, and can simply say that we are nothing of the sort. Any +reasonable conundrums, such as, How old is the world? How many +individuals is Mrs. BRIGHAM YOUNG? What becomes of the Fenian money? +When will Cuba be free? we would willingly answer, but our correspondent +cannot expect us to solve problems which are as old as BARNUM said JOYCE +HETH was. He should be able to see such things as others see them. They +are the unwritten law, and PUNCHINELLO does not propose to alter them.] + + * * * * * + +CONCERNING THE METHODIST BOOK CONCERN. + + 'Tis well enough that GOODENOUGH + Dr. LANAHAN should teach, + That, sure enough, there's law enough + Such slanderers to reach. + + But, like enough, this GOODENOUGH + Dr. LANAHAN may impeach, + And prove enough that's bad enough + To justify his speech. + + * * * * * + +UNKIND. + +TOODLES made a solemn vow the other day, in presence of MUGGINS, that he +"would never shave until he had paid off his debts," but MUGGINS, in +relating the fact, said simply that "TOODLES had concluded to wear a +full beard the rest of his life." + + * * * * * + +THE POEMS OF THE CRADLE. + +Old Mother Hubbard + +GENTLE READER: You have a soul for poetry. Even when an infant, and in +your cradle, you had a soul for poetry. You were not aware of it at this +early stage, but your mother--if you had one--was. With what fond +alacrity did she hasten to your cradle-side, when some wicked little pin +was trying to insinuate itself into your affections much against your +inclination, and soothe you with the pleasing strains of Mother Goose. +And how your eyes brightened and your little feet and hands commenced +playing tag, when you heard the wonders of Mother Goose extolled in +pretty verse. Ah! those were the days of romance. I will leave them now, +to search for the hidden beauties of one of your childhood's melodies, +the eventful career of Mother HUBBARD and her dog. + +I will begin with the opening Canto of the poem, and limit myself, for +the present, with detailing the beauties of its many incidents. + +CANTO I. + + Old Mother Hubbard + Went to the Cupboard + To get her poor dog a bone; + When she got there + The Cupboard wan bare. + And so the poor dog had none! + +Now, Kind Reader, follow closely whilst I display the hidden beauties of +Canto First. You will notice that the author, who now sleeps with the +unnumbered dead--a presumption on my part--has no dedication, no +introduction, no preface. He scorned a dedication, that misnomer for +gratuitous advertising. He wanted no patron, no Lord or Count somebody +or other, who might, perhaps, insure the sale of one more copy. No. He +determined to paddle his own canoe. And he did, you bet.--He wrote no +preface. What was it to the public how many ancient authors he had +ransacked to obtain ideas for his poem? What was it to the public how +many noble minds he had associated with him to help him in his laborious +work? What would the public care about his intentions to have his book +in such a form, to appear at such a date, or to be sold for such a +price? What would be the use of apologizing to the public for his many +weak points, when he thought that he knew more than they? On the +contrary, he very naturally determined that if his Poem, wasn't +readable, it would not be read, and a Preface of ignorance would make +the matter no better.--He kept clear of the folly of an Introduction-a +something which a writer gets up just to keep his hand in, perhaps, or +to tell the reader that _he_ knows all about it!--The empty dishes on +the banquet-board: no one cares for them. + +Our felicitous Author, throwing aside all these traditional +idiosyncrasies, launches boldly into the billowy sea of his +idea-scattered brain[A], and in his very first line gives a full, +concise description of the heroine, Mrs. HUBBARD; and having finished +her description, enumerates, as was meet, the peculiarities, and, I +might say, dogmatic tendencies, of the hero of the tail, Herr Dog! [He +(not H.D., but the Author) says "Old Mother HUBBARD."] Here is +simplicity for you! Here is brevity! "Old Mother HUBBARD!" How sweetly +it sounds; how nicely the words fit each other! What an immense range of +thought he must have who first said "Old Mother HUBBARD." Less gifted +authors of the present would rejoice exceedingly, could they do +likewise. Ah!--and a spark of enthusiasm lightens up your countenance, +[Highfalutin,]--they have no HUBBARD. And if they had they would +commence with a minute detail of how old she was, how venerable she was, +what kind of a mother she was, whose mother she was, and all about her +aunt's family. + +Alas! for the fallen state of our Literature, which tells you +everything, and leaves you nothing to guess at, lest you might not guess +correctly. Well, as I previously observed, the author says "Old Mother +HUBBARD." He must have been correct. You know how it is yourself. + +This felicitous writer then proceeds, and in the next line gives vent to +his pent-up feelings thusly: "Went to the Cupboard." "Went!" What a +happy expression! How appropriate! Besides, it supplies a deficiency +which would have occurred had it been left out. "Went!" There's Saxon +for you. Our happy author, overburdened by his transcendent imagination, +has not the evil propensity of thrusting upon his reader the mode of how +she went; but, noble and manly as he was, he leaves it to you and to me +how she went! + +Here is a vast range for your imagination. Give your fancy wings. One +may think she waddled; another that she rambled. One may say she +preambulated; another that she pedalated.[B] One may remark that she +crutchalated; [C] but all must concede that she "went". Now whither did +she "went"? Ah! methinks your brain is puzzled. Why, she "went to the +Cupboard," says our author, who, perhaps, just then took a ten-cent nip. +She did not go around it, or about it, or upon it, or under it. She did +not let it come to her, but she went herself to the above-mentioned and +fore-named Cupboard. + +Now, when a woman undertakes to do a thing, she has always a reason for +her undertaking; argoul, as my friend, the grave-digger, said, the +heroine of this Epic must have had an object in view. Otherwise, what +would take her to the Cupboard? She was evidently a strong-minded woman, +and would not fritter away her valuable time for nothing. To the +Cupboard she went "to get her poor dog a bone," says the author, +following out the logical sequence of the plot. The hero of the tail was +not in the Cupboard. Of course not. The "bone" was there. Ah! but _was_ +the bone there? The sequel will show. + +Just imagine the mild complacency, the unutterable sympathy, the +affectionate lovingness of the heroine for her hero! And with what +gentle expression she speaks of him--"her poor dog." Verily, must there +have been an abyss of kindly feeling in that Old Dame's large heart for +her poor dog! + +But alas! for human care and anxiety. Away ye smiles and hopes. + + "L'homme propose, mais Dieu dispose."[D] + +In other words, when she got there, to the Cupboard, and peered into its +dark recesses, and searched the hidden corners of its many shelves, "the +Cupboard was bare." + +Alack-a-day for Mr. D.! When he saw his kind mistress toddling along to +the receptacle of many a remnant of many a luxurious feast, he was, +perchance, filled with affection. Melting tears came to his eyes, and +poured, like a cataract, down his noble cheeks. Would it do to have his +loving mistress witness the outburst of his long pent-up feelings? Alas! +No. He must hide his tears. He tore his tail from the wag which was +about to seize it, and gently wiped away his tears! Poor fellow! Your +heart warms towards him, and you stretch out your hands to embrace him, +or to kiss him for his mother, perhaps. How must the author have felt? +If there was one grain of compassion in him, he would feel as I do, as +you do, as we all do, and trust that the loving affection of that poor +dog would be amply repaid by the promised "bone." + +The decrees of Fate are inexorable, however. When she went to the +Cupboard, the Cupboard was bare; had not even one bare bone, and so that +poor heroic dog "had none." [Very long O.] I pity him truly, and fain +would shed tears of grief over his melancholy affliction, if I wasn't so +awfully warm. For was never dog so disappointed as this dog. "Nev-a-r-e, +by all-l-l that's h-h-holy-y-y-e-e."[E] + +Not wishing to be an unwilling witness to the sad scene which was +enacted between these two loving creatures on the disappointment of +their fondest hopes, I will draw the curtain, and leave them, solitary +and alone--alone with themselves, and with no aching eye to witness +their grief, to give vent to their heart-bursting anguish. + +The author did wisely and well to close the Canto. + +Let us have--a rest! + +[Footnote A: Original. By GUM.] + +[Footnote B: Copyright for sale for all the States.] + +[Footnote C: Ditto.] + +[Footnote D: This is French--H. D.] + +[Footnote E: Quotation from XII T.] + + * * * * * + +STANDARD LITERATURE. + +A writer in the _Standard_, thinking that the title Society for the +Prevention of Cruelty to Animals is clumsy on account of its length, +proposes that it be changed to Animalthropic Society. It is not likely +that Mr. BERGH, who has some reputation for scholarship, will adopt a +suggestion in which a bit of Greek is brought in "wrong end foremost," +unless, indeed, his well-known partiality for the canine creature might +induce him to look with favor upon a compound so manifestly of the "dog +Greek" description. + + * * * * * + +QUERY + +Might not the child's new-fangled humming-top, which is advertised to +dance sixty seconds, be said to dance a minuet? + + * * * * * + +CHEERFUL FOR SHOEMAKERS. + +WESTON'S great Feat. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR MUSEUM OF THE FUTURE + +_Learned Professor._ "THESE ARE THE RESTORED REMAINS OF A NOBLE CREATURE +LONG SINCE EXTERMINATED BY THE SAVAGES OF PESTILENT INSECTS KNOWN AS +POLY TICKS."] + + * * * * * + +DESULTORY HINTS AND MAXIMS FOR ANGLERS. + +When you see "excellent trouting in a romantic mountain district" +advertised in the papers, go somewhere else. + +On arriving where you have reason to believe trout exist, inquire of +some rural angler which are the best brooks, and fish exclusively in +those he runs down. + +In making a cast, throw your line as far as you can. The biggest fish +are usually obtained from the long Reaches. + +Never angle under a blistering sun, nor with Spanish flies. + +Keep as far as possible from the brook. If the trout see you they will +connect you with the rod, in which case you will find it difficult to +connect them with the line. + +Many anglers fish up stream, but the surest way to secure a mess of +trout is with the Current. + +Take some agreeable stimulant with you to the water-side. You will find +it a great assistance when Reeling in. + +One of the best places for obtaining the speckled prey is under a +Waterfall--but you needn't mention this fact to the ladies. + +When a brook divides among the trees, angle in the main stream, not in +the Branches. + +In playing a trout under the willows, be very careful, or you may get +Worsted among the Osiers. + +When you land a two-pound trout (which you never will,) double the +weight, else what's the use of having a Multiplier. + +If you wish to take anything heavy you must walk right into the water. +The regular Sneezers are generally caught in this way. + +The experienced angler goes forth expecting nothing, and is rarely +disappointed. + +Superstitious Piscators have great faith in the Heavenly Signs, but +often fail to find a Sign of a Fish under the fishiest sign of the +Zodiac. + +Avoid water-courses infested with saw-mills. These dammed streams seldom +contain many trout. + +To jerk a fish out of the water with a wire is even more despicable than +political wire-pulling. + +A rod should never consist of more than three sections, and the angler +should look well to his joints after a wetting, as they are apt to swell +and stiffen in the Sockets. + +Rise early if you would have good sport. Should you feel sleepy +afterwards, the river has a Bed that you can easily get into. + +Catching trout is strictly a summery pleasure, and when indulged in at +any other season should be visited by Summary punishment. + +There are numerous treatises on angling, but in "JOHN BROWN'S Tract" the +youthful Piscator will find the best of Guides. + +It often happens that trout do not begin to bite till late in the day, +in which case it is advisable to make the most of the _commencement de +la Fin._ + +As the culture of fish is now engaging the attention of philanthropists, +it is probable that the superior varieties will hereafter be found in +Schools, where, of course, the Rod will be more profitably employed than +in Whipping (under present circumstances,) "the complaining brooks that +keep the meadows green." + + * * * * * + +LOVE IN A BOARDING-HOUSE. + + Miss SARAH SAGOE'S boarding-house--I recommend her steaks; + Two plates of pudding she allows, and--oh! what buckwheat cakes! + We're all so very fond of them, (we deprecate the grease,) + But we'd a greater fondness for Miss SARAH SAGOE'S niece. + + In heavenly blue her eyes surpassed--the milk; "her teeth were pearl." + That's BROWN! Poetic genius, BROWN, (devoted to that girl.) + JOE TROTT to flowers took; SAWTELL, and PETERS to croquet; + GREEN thrumbed guitar; while as for me, I sighed and pined away. + + Not one but lost his appetite--at no less price for board. + Meanwhile this heartless ARABELLE, by all of us adored, + Gives out that she's to marry a rich broker from New York; + We heard the news at dinner--down dropped each knife and fork. + + We're glad our eyes are open now, though every one's a dupe, + 'Tis queer we didn't see before how she dipped up the soup; + And, now I think it over, I wonder man could wish + To win that hand unmerciful that so harpooned the fish. + + "That vulgar girl," as JOE TROTT says, "a helpmeet fine will make"-- + She never failed to help herself most handsomely to steak; + The pudding holds out better now that she is gone away-- + And it's consolation precious that I've not her board to pay. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +THE WEDDING RING AGAIN. + +AS PUNCHINELLO WOULD HAVE IT WORN. + +(_Suggested by an Indignant Sister of Sorosis._)] + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +[Illustration 'M'] + +Manager DALY found _Frou Frou_ so popular, that he has given us a second +dose of M. SARDOU'S Dramatic Mixture, three times stronger than the +first, and warranted to restore the moral tone of all repentant Pretty +Waiter Girls. The label borne by the new Mixture is "_Fernande_," but as +"CLOTILDE," and not "FERNANDE," is the principal ingredient, the name is +obviously ill-selected. Though the materials were imported from the +celebrated Parisian laboratory of M. SARDOU, the Mixture in its present +form was prepared "_in vacuo_" by two dramatic chemists of this city, +and ought properly to bear their name. As compared with _Frou Frou_, it +is much more palatable, and far more powerful, and there is no reason to +suppose that it contains anything deleterious to the moral health of the +play-goer. An analysis made by order of PUNCHINELLO shows that it +consists of the following materials, combined in the following +proportions: + +ACT I.--_Scene, a Gambling-House. Enter_ M. POMMEROL, _a benevolent +lawyer._ + +POMMEROL. "I am a lawyer with an enormous practice. Having nothing +whatever to do, I came here to find FERNANDE, the pretty waiter girl. +Here comes my cousin CLOTILDE. She is an angel of virtue and the +mistress of my friend ANDRE. What can she want here?" + +CLOTILDE. "My carriage has just run over a young girl, who lives here. +As the horses trampled upon her for some time, I came to see if she had +sustained any inconvenience." + +POMMEROL. "CLOTILDE, this girl is named FERNANDE. She is as bad as she +can well be, therefore I implore you to take her home with you and adopt +her. Will you do it?" + +CLOTILDE. "Of course I will. Who could refuse such a trifling request! +But look, here come the people of the house." + +_Enter various gamblers and disreputable women, who conduct themselves +with appropriate freedom from the restraints of conventionality._ +FERNANDE, _who is too lachrymose to be a cheerful feature, is wisely +placed on guard at the outer door. The company proceed to play at faro, +the bank being the loser. There is a false alarm of police, and the game +is suddenly stopped. The Banker, being naturally indignant, attempts to +relieve his mind by punching_ FERNANDE's _head. Heroic interference by_ +POMMEROL, _and consequent tableau. Curtain._ + +SATIRICAL PERSON, _to one of the ushers._ "Will you tell me what street +this house is in?" + +USHER. "Twenty-fourth street, sir." + +SATIRICAL PERSON. "All right. You see I came up in a University Place +car, and I was beginning to think, after having seen that last scene, +that I had made a mistake, and gone down town instead of up town." + +RESPECTABLE LADY, _to female friend._ "Isn't it shockingly improper! But +then it is so interesting, and it is really one's duty to know how those +creatures conduct themselves when they are at home." + +ACT II.--_Scene,_ CLOTILDE's _Garden._ CLOTILDE _soliloquizes as +follows:_ + +CLOTILDE. "I have adopted FERNANDE and shall call her MARGUERITE. ANDRE +has deceived me, and I will test his love at once." (_Enter_ ANDRE.) + +CLOTILDE. "ANDRE, I think we have made a mistake in fancying ourselves +in love. Would you like to leave me?" + +ANDRE. "My dearest friend, I really think I should. You see I have just +fallen in love with an innocent little angel. By Jove! there she is. +Tell me her name." + +CLOTILDE. "That is MARGUERITE, a protegé of mine. You shall marry her. +Go and make love to her." (_He goes._) + +CLOTILDE. "The base wretch deserts me. I will proceed to become a +tigress. I will marry him to FERNANDE, and then tell him what a base +wretch she is. We'll see how he will like that. He thinks her innocent! +Ha! ha! (_Aside._--On reflection she is innocent according to this +version of the play; but SARDOU told the truth about her, and I will act +on the supposition that she is a wretch.) That will be a fit revenge, +and I can't do better than rave about it for a while." (_Raves +accordingly until the curtain falls._) + +COLD-BLOODED CRITIC. "I have never seen a finer piece of acting than +that of Miss MORANT in the last scene. But then her revenge becomes +absurd when you reflect that FERNANDE is just what ANDRE fancies her, an +innocent girl. That is a fair specimen of the way in which American +writers adapt French plays. They sacrifice probability to prudery." + +FASHIONABLE LADY. "How sweetly penitent FERNANDE looks in her black +dress. I hope she will be innocent enough to wear white in the next act. +One shouldn't give way to repentance or grief for too long a time. Now +when my husband died I was in the deepest grief for six months, and then +slipped into half mourning so gradually that no one noticed the change." + +ACT III. FERNANDE _and_ CLOTILDE _are discovered discussing the question +of_ FERNANDE's _wedding outfit._ + +FERNANDE. "But does ANDRE know how naughty I behaved when I was an +innocent girl in a gambling-house?" + +CLOTILDE. "He does, my dear, but you mustn't speak of it to him," + +FERNANDE. "I will write to him then, and confess all. There isn't +anything to confess, but still I am determined to confess it." + +CLOTILDE. "Write if you choose. (_Aside._ I will put the letter in a +lamp-post box, so that he will never get it. On second thought I will +keep it. Some day I might want to use it.") + +FERNANDE _writes the letter and_ CLOTILDE _confiscates it._ ANDRE, +POMMEROL _and a variety of people come and go and talk of a variety of +things. Finally_ FERNANDE _and_ ANDRE _are led out to marriage, and the +dread ceremony is perpetrated. Curtain._ + +The fourth act opens with a pleasant family party at the house of the +newly married couple. The company play at that singular game of cards so +popular on the stage, in which everybody plays out of turn, and nobody +ever takes a trick. Finally they all go to bed except ANDRE, who goes to +sleep in his chair, as is doubtless the custom with newly-married +Frenchmen. Presently CLOTILDE enters through a secret door and wakes him +up. + +ANDRE. "My dear CLOTILDE, you really mustn't. Think what my wife would +say. So innocent an angel would suspect there was something wrong in +your visiting me at midnight." + +CLOTILDE. "Base villain, you have deserted me. Now I am revenged. Your +wife was once a pretty waiter-girl and her name is FERNANDE. Call her +and ask her if I speak the truth." (_He calls her._) + +ANDRE. "Is your name FERNANDE? Ah, I see by the disorder of your back +hair that CLOTILDE's story is too true. Wretched girl, why did you not +tell me all before I married you?" + +FERNANDE. "Spare me. I was a pretty waiter-girl, but I wrote you a +letter and confessed my innocence." + +(_She faints on a worsted ottoman, while her husband raves like an_ +OTTOMAN _who has been worsted in a difficulty with an intruder into his +harem.) Enter_ POMMEROL. + +POMMEROL. "She speaks the truth. Here is her written confession. I took +it out of CLOTILDE's pocket. I will read it." (_Reads it._) + +FERNANDE. "You hear it? I confessed all my innocence. If you did not get +it, blame the post-office authorities, but do not throw the poker at +me." + +ANDRE. "FERNANDE! My love! My wife! Come back, and I will forgive your +innocence!" (_Tableau._) _Curtain._ + +RESPECTABLE MATRON. "Well, I will say that of all indecent plays this is +the worst. It isn't half as nice as that pretty _Frou-Frou_. The idea of +that miserable ANDRE forgiving such a hussy as his wife!" + +From which virtuous and venomous opinion the undersigned begs to differ. +The play is simply superb, in spite of the faults of the translation. It +is shocking only to the most prurient of prudes; and in point of +morality is infinitely better than _Frou-Frou_. And then it is played as +it ought to be. Miss MORANT is magnificent, Mr. LEWIS is immensely +funny, and Messrs. CLARKE and HASKINS are equal to whatever is required +of them. If _Frou-Frou_ ran a hundred nights, _Fernande_ ought to run +five hundred. And that it may is the sincere hope of + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +A NEW MUSICAL SENSATION. + +It is stated that the Oneida Indians have organized a cornet band. This +new combination of Copper and brass will doubtless have a very pleasing +effect. + + * * * * * + +THE WATERING PLACES. + +PUNCHINELLO'S VACATIONS. + +Last week Mr. PUNCHINELLO took a run over to Saratoga. He bought +DISRAELI'S new novel to read in the cars, and he very soon made up his +mind that if the book correctly described the tone of society in +England, it is safe to say that it is low there. + +Reaching the town of merry Springs and doleful Swallows, Mr. P. went +straight to the house of the good LELANDS. When he got there he was +amazed--he couldn't believe that that grand palace was the old "Union." +But he soon reflected that it was the fashion, now-a-days, to +reconstruct old Unions of every kind, and so it wasn't so surprising to +his mind after he had got through with his reflections. But he couldn't +help hoping that the fellows down at Washington, who were also at work +on an old Union, would turn out as good a job as the LELANDS had. As +soon as he got inside, Mr. P. summoned his friend WARREN, that they +might consult together about his accommodations. There were plenty of +vacant rooms, but Mr. P. made up his mind that he would prefer to take +one of those delightful cottages in the court-yard. One of these was so +much more gorgeous than the others, that Mr. P. chose it on the spot. + +"Ah!--yes--" quoth the gentle WARREN, "I should be delighted, I'm sure, +but that cottage is reserved especially for the Empress EUGENIE, who, +you know, is expected here daily." + +"Indeed!" said Mr. P. "If she is coming so soon, I could not, of course, +keep it very long. So tell me, my good friend, for what trifling sum +will you let me have this cottage till the Empress comes?" + +Mr. LELAND gazed earnestly at Mr. P., and asked him what he thought of +the Chinese question; and whether he believed that this would be a good +year for corn. Then Mr. P. struck a bargain for a back-room in the +seventh story of the right-hand tower. + +Early the next morning Mr. P., like a conscientious man as he is, went +to drink of the waters of the place. He had a strong belief, based upon +experience, that he would not fancy any of the old springs, and so he +tried a new one--the "Geyser." + +Mr. P. stayed a good while at the Geyser. There happened to be a young +lady there who insisted upon helping him to the water with her own lily +hands--the boy might dip it up, but she _must_ hand it to him--and she +had such a way with her that he drank fifty-one glasses. When he came +back to the hotel, and the good WARREN asked him what was the matter, he +merely remarked: + +"I'm a quiz, LELAND. If you choose, you may call me a Guy, sir." + +Mr. P. got himself analysed that day by Dr. ALLEN, and he was found to +consist principally of carbonate of Lime; Silicate of Potassa; Iodide of +Magnesia; and Chloride of Sodium; with a strong trace of Sulphate of +Strontia. + +At night, however, he was able to attend the hop in the grand saloon. +For a time Mr. P. danced with one girl right along. A pretty girl she +was, too, and the style of her dress showed very plainly that it was +EUGENIE she was hoping to see at Saratoga, and not Madame OLLIVIER. +Well, she had not danced with Mr. P. more than a couple of hours when +she left him for a Pole--one of these wandering Counts that you always +see at such places--a regular hop-Pole, in fact. Mr. P. got very angry +at this insult, and if he had had his way he would have had the fellow +partitioned off--like his beloved country. He was so wrathy, indeed, +that when the hop was over he started on an Arctic expedition, but he +had the same luck as KANE, HALL, and the other fellows. + +He never saw that Pole. + +After this, Mr. P. thought he would keep away from the ladies--but it +was of no use to think. There is a _something_ about Mr. +PUNCHINELLO--but it matters not--suffice it to say that he went out +buggy riding the next day with ANNA DICKINSON on the Lake road. The +horse he drove had belonged to LEONARD JEROME--he was out of "Cash" by +"Thunder," and he had sold him to the livery-man here. He was called a +"two-forty," but when he began to go, Mr. P. was of the opinion that a +musician would have considered his style entirely too _forte_. They had +not ridden more than half way to BARHYTE'S, before Mr. P. began to feel +his arm bones coming out. But the "Princess of the Platform" was +delighted. + +"Why, you're a capital fellow, Mr. PUNCHINELLO," she cried. "There's +nothing slow or fogeyish about you. You ought to be on the _Revolution_, +now that TILTON is putting live people there." + +"I shall be a tiltin' myself, and on a revolution too," said Mr. P., "if +this confounded horse don't slack up." + +"Why, what do you mean?" said Miss D. + +"I mean we shall upset," said he. + +"He's got his head too much your side," screamed Miss D. "Hadn't you +better pull on the left string?" + +"No, I hadn't," yelled Mr. P., as the horse commenced to run. + +"But _I_ think you had," cried she. "Don't you believe that women are +naturally as capable of understanding and determining what laws will be +as equitable, and what measures as effective to those ends, as men?" + +"No, I don't!" cried Mr. P., sawing away at the horse's mouth, and +beginning to make a little impression upon it. + +"You should pull that left leather string!" she cried again. "Don't I +know? How dare you make sex a ground of exclusion from the possession +and exercise of equal rights!" and with this, she made a grab at the +left rein. + +It is of no use entering into further particulars of this ride. Towards +evening, Mr. P. and his companion returned to Saratoga and delivered to +the livery-man his equipage--that is, what was left of it. + +That evening, Mr. P. was sitting in his room, very busy over a new +conundrum for his paper. He had got the answer all right, but to save +his life, he could not get a question to suit it. While he was thus +puzzling his brains, there came a knock at the door, and to him entered +the Hon. JOHN MORRISSEY. + +"Good evenin', P.," says JOHN, taking, at the same time, a seat, and one +of Mr. P.'s _Partagas_. "I want you to do something for me." + +"And what is it?" said Mr. P., with a benevolent smile. + +"Why, you see," said the Hon. JOHN, "I'm very busy just now--the +commencement of the season, you know--and I would like you to serve in +my place for a while." + +"Why, Congress will soon adjourn now!" said Mr. P. + +"Oh, yes!" said MORRISSEY, "but I'm on a committee which must serve in +the recess. Me and BILL KELLEY are the two chaps appointed as a +committee to weigh all the pig-iron that has been imported in the last +year, and to see if the gover'ment hasn't been swindled, in either the +deal or the play. Now you see that ain't in my line at all, and as soon +as I heard you were here, I thought you were the man to take my place." + +"I'm sorry," said Mr. P., "but really, JOHN, I haven't the time. It's a +sort of committee of ways and means, isn't it?" + +"Well," said JOHN, "a fellow weighs, that's true; and the whole business +is mean enough. But if you can't take hold of it, we'll say no more +about it. Come on down with me to my place and have some supper." + +"Your place!" said Mr. P. "Have you a place here?" + +"Yes, _sir_," said the Congressman, "a bully club-house, and it's paid +for too; and if you'll come along I'll give you a hearty welcome and +some good cigars--and not dime ones, either," added he, throwing away +the greater part Mr. P.'s _Partaga_. + +The personal property of Mr. PUNCHINELLO consisted principally of U. S. +5.20 coupon bonds of 1868; Chicago and Northwestern--preferred; Hannibal +and St. Joseph--1st mortgage bonds; a heavy deposit of bullion, mostly +gold bars; and Ashes in inspection ware-house, both pots and pearls. + +When, early the next morning, he left the club-house of his friend, the +Congressman, he was still the proud owner of his Ashes--both pots and +pearls. + +Saratoga is too expensive a place for a long sojourn, and Mr. P. left +the next day. + + * * * * * + +COMIC ZOOLOGY. + +ORDER, PACHYDERMATA.--THE RHINOCEROS. + +There are several species of the Rhinoceros, some of which have one +horn, like a Unicorn, others two, like a Dilemma. All the varieties are +as strictly vegetarian as the late SYLVESTER GRAHAM, but their fondness +for a botanic diet may be ascribed to instinct, rather than reflection, +as they are not ruminating animals. The most formidable of the tribe is +the Black Rhinoceros of Equatorial Africa, which is particularly +dangerous when it turns to Bay. Though dull of eye and ear, this +ponderous beast will follow a scent with wonderful tenacity, and the +promptness with which it makes its tremendous charges has earned for it, +among European hunters, the sobriquet of the "Ready Rhino." The fact +that the Black Rhinoceros is armed with two horns, while most of the +white species have but one, may perhaps account for the greater +viciousness of the former--it being generally admitted that the most +ferocious of all known monsters are those which have been furnished with +a plurality of horns. This is the position taken by the famous New +England naturalist, NEAL DOW, in his dissertations on that destructive +Eastern pachyderm, the Striped Pig, and it seems to be fully borne out +by the history of the great Scriptural Decicorn, as given by the +inspired Zoologist, ST. JOHN. + +We learn from Sir SAMUEL BAKER and other Nimrods of the Ramrod who have +hunted up the Nile, that herds of the Black Rhinoceros are pretty +thickly sprinkled throughout the whole extent of the Nilotic basin, and +especially near the great watershed which forms the primary source of +the mysterious river. The natives of that region universally regard the +creature as a Rum customer, and not having the requisite Spirit to face +it boldly, they set Gins under the Tope trees, at the places where it +comes to drink, and thus effect its destruction. + +As the Rhinoceros, whatever its species, seeks the densest covert, and +its hide is almost impenetrable, it is a difficult animal to bag. Its +peltry being of about the same consistency and thickness as the +vulcanized India Rubber used in cushioning billiard tables, balls often +rebound from it without producing a score. This difficulty may, however, +be obviated--according to Sir SAMUEL BAKER--by firing half-pound shells +from the shoulder, with a rifle of proportionate size, and if the +Sporting Bulletins of that enterprising traveller are not shots with the +long bow, he carried the war into Africa to some purpose, not +unfrequently bagging his Baker's dozen of Rhinoceroses in the course of +forty-eight hours. The African and the Asiatic species bear a general +resemblance to each other, although probably, if placed side by side, +points of difference would be observed between them. + +It is a disputed question among Biblical commentators whether the +Rhinoceros or the Hippopotamus is the Behemoth of Scripture, but as the +Rhinoceros feeds on furze and the Hippopotamus does not, it would seem +that the terminal syllable "moth" more properly applies to the latter. +As numerous fossil remains of the animal have been found from time to +time in the Rhenish provinces of Germany, it is supposed by some +archaeologists that prior to the Noachian Deluge its principal habitat +was the Valley of the Rhine, where it was known as the Rhine-horse. The +"horse," it is alleged, was subsequently corrupted into "hoss," +whereupon the lexicographers, uncertain which of the two renderings was +the true one, called it in their vocabularies the "Rhine horse or hoss," +and thence the present still more senseless corruption, "Rhinoceros." +This is, of course, mere theory, but it is supported by the well +authenticated parallel case of the Nylghau--more properly Nile +Ghaut--which derived its name from the singular fact that it was never +seen by any human being in the neighborhood of the Ghauts of the Nile. +Although the Nile has such a fishy reputation that stories from that +source are generally taken _cum grano salis_, or profanely characterised +(see Cicero) as "_Nihil Tam incredible_," the above statement in +relation to the Nylghau will not be seriously disputed by any well +informed naturalist. + +The general aspect of the Rhinoceros is that of a hog in armor on a +grand scale. The males of the genus are called bulls, but they are more +like boars, with the tusk inverted and transferred by Rhino-plastic +process to the nose. When enraged, the animal exalts its horn and +trumpets like a locomotive, whereupon it is advisable to give it the +right of way, as to face the music would be dangerous. + + * * * * * + +SIC SEMPER E PLURIBUS, ETC. + + Oh, Star-spangled Banner! once emblem of glory, + And guardian of freedom and justice and law, + How bright in the annals of war was thy story! + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + Time was when the nations beheld thee and trembled, + Though now they assure us they don't care a straw + For wrath which they say is but poorly dissembled; + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + They _know_ our best ships are dismantled or rotten, + _We_ know that they'll soon be abolished by law, + And FARRAGUT'S triumphs are nearly forgotten; + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + The soldiers whose best days were spent in our service-- + Whose manhood we claimed as our right by the law, + As paupers must die, since their cost would unnerve us; + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + We look for respect in the eyes of the nations, + And man our defences with soldiers of straw, + To save for vile uses their pay and their rations; + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + With armies reduced, and the ghost of a navy, + Of course we must trust to our ancient _éclat_; + Economy now is the cry, we must save a + Few millions for thieves to steal--_unum go bragh!_ + + "_Sun_" DANA may bluster as much as he pleases-- + Our friend, Mr. FISH, is sustained by the law, + And old Mr. BENNETT just bellows to tease us; + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + There's LOGAN, who once had the heart of a hero-- + Alas! that same heart is now only a craw, + And its vigor has sunk away down below Zero; + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + His action has sadden'd the hearts of more freemen + Than fought under GRANT in defence of the law; + Well--well--never mind--we can boast of our women; + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + The people may some day awake to the notion + That statesmen can tamper too much with the law, + And send them to regions less genial than Goshen; + _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR NURSERY-MAIDS. + _Julia._ (_Who has been cautioned not to leave the private park on any + account_.) "WHICH WAY NOW, MARY ANN?" + + _Mary Ann._ "TO THE MILLINER'S. AND YOU?" + + _Julia._ "TO THE DRESSMAKER'S." + + _Mary Ann._ "OH, WHAT BOTHERS CHILDREN IS!"] + + * * * * * + +ON CATS. + +Some cats are black, some brown, some white, some "arf and arf." + +Some cats are gentle, and require a good deal of pinching and +"worriting" to bring them to the scratch, like some persons, who require +to get their dander up before they'll show fight. + +Other cats, however, are very vicious. These, from their spitting +proclivities, might be called Spitfires. I dare say this regards black +cats most, whose backs, when rubbed in the dark, are seen to emit +_sparks_. + +A cat that is good at the spitting business, and well up in the trade, +can do a smart thing or two in the defensive line--as when confronted by +a dog, for instance. If the feline can only keep up a vigorous and well +directed spitting, the canine is almost sure to retreat, with his tail +between his legs, (if it is not too short to get there.) + +Cats are generally considered rat and mouse destroyers. I dare say they +are, though the two I once kept (I drowned them in the cistern) were +more notorious as crockery destroyers than anything else. I thought, on +the whole, that they exterminated more raw beef than rats and mice, so I +consigned them to a watery grave. + +It was a good thing for WHITTINGTON that there are such things as mice, +and cats (if they are not too fat) to destroy them. His cat was truly +worth its weight in gold to him. Such a cat should have been embalmed +for the benefit of posterity. It must have been a noble sight to see the +feline banquetting on the dainty joints of the _mus_ in the Fejee +palace, and WHITTINGTON getting a bag of gold for each victim his +follower devoured. Honor to WHITTINGTON and his Cat! + +Cats are very fond of birds--when they can get 'em, "otherwise not." To +see a cat watching a bird, you would think there was some magnetic +attraction in the love line between them. There may be, _before hand_. +But let the cat once touch its sought-for, and I assure you there is no +love lost. By some accident or other, the little birdie goes down +Grimalkin's throat. + +A cat has nine lives, we are told; something like old METHUSELAH, who, +they declare, got so tired of living that he had to die to get some +relief. I know some ladies who would like to borrow a life or two from +the cat, especially those on the wrong side of the line, as regards +thirty. Owing to the nine lives, a cat may be jerked about pretty +promiscuously from third story windows, _et cetera_. They have a knack +of falling on their feet, which a good many BLONDINS would like to +have--especially when a rope breaks, and when they "a kind of" forget +that "Pride must have a fall." + +Such are a few remarks on Cats of every description. As this ain't a +Prize Essay, I don't give the different species, which are as numerous +as the hairs of my head, and these are now pretty numerous, as I am not +particular about cutting them. + +BILL BISCAY. + + * * * * * + +"DY(E)ING AND SCOURING DONE HERE." + +A Correspondent of one of the daily papers, writing from Athens, on the +subject of the brigandage outrages lately perpetrated in Greece, says +that "the Kingdom is scoured by soldiers." + +That's right. It has long been a very dirty little Kingdom, and a good +scouring by soldiers is the only thing to obliterate the numerous Greece +spots with which it has been tarnished. + + * * * * * + +NOW'S YOUR CHANCE. + +The attention of the New York daily newspapers is called to the fact +that the mosquitoes down in Maine this season are uncommonly large and +extremely numerous. Now, it is well known that fleas can be trained to +do (upon a small scale) many things usually done by human beings; and +why may not the very largest of the mosquitoes be educated to manage the +daily newspapers? How beautifully would they buzz! how venomously would +they bite! how remorselessly would POTT, (of _The Independent_,) let +loose his insect champions upon SLURK, of _The Gazette_! + +P. S. Mr. PUNCHINELLO begs leave to observe that no allusion is here +intended to Mr. TILTON'S _Independent_, which is extremely well supplied +with mosquitoes already. + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +One of the most heart-rending elopements on record is that of MORDECAI +SKAGGS, an Indianian by birth, but a Chicagoan by adoption, who left a +legitimate spouse at Owen, Spencer County, Indiana, and fled with a +beautiful "affinity" toward the "Lake City." The deserted wife, like a +pursuing Nemesis, "went for him." She tracked him from stage to stage of +his journey, and finally overtook the fugitive, but not before he had +"consummated marriage a second time." + +When found, she did not pause "to make a note" of MORDECAI, but seized +him by the beard, very much as OTHELLO did the "uncircumcised Jew;" yet, +not caring to slay him outright, she exploded a pitcher of ice-water +upon his heated brow, and while still clasping his dishevelled locks +pelted the supposed guilty partner of his flight with the fragments of +the broken vessel. But the chief shock of this disaster, to the +unfortunate SKAGGS, occurred in the interval of a brief cessation of +hostilities, when the enraged wife demanded to know of the other woman +why she had thus outraged the sanctity of her domestic altars, and the +"other woman" explained that the too seductive SKAGGS had represented +himself as a single man. Thereupon the two joined forces, and set upon +MORDECAI; pulling his hair out by the roots; scarifying his manly phiz +with their delicate claws; and so marring and disfiguring this +"double-breasted" deceiver that not even the penetration of the maternal +eye could discover in that battered carcass the once familiar lineaments +of a beloved son. + +The thought suggested to PUNCHINELLO by this catastrophe is whether we +may not safely leave the iniquity of Western divorce law to work out its +own salvation, when it provokes the use of such weapons, and makes it +possible for the penalty to follow so closely upon the heels of crime. + + * * * * * + + +A. T. STEWART & Co. + +OFFER A LARGE LOT OF + +JAPANESE POPLINS at 50 cts. per yard; recent price $1. + +LYON'S CHECKED SILKS, SPRING COLORS, $1 per yard; reduced from $1.50 + +LYON'S CHECKED SILKS, SPRING COLORS, $1.25 per yard; reduced from $1.75. + +HEAVY CHINE SILKS, GRISAILLE COLORS, $1.50 per yard; value $2.50. + +An Elegant Assortment of + +Choice Colors In Mozambique Poplins, + +Extra Fine Quality. + +ALSO + +A Variety of Novelties in + +Checked, Striped and Plain-Colored Poulte De Sole, + +Just received per last steamer. + + +BROADWAY, + +4th Ave., 9th and 10th Streets. + + * * * * * + +A. T. Stewart & Co. + +Have just received + +TWO CASES + +Extra Fine Elboeuf Cassimeres, + +The very Latest Paris Novelties. + +BROADWAY, + +4th Ave., 9th and 10th Streets. + + * * * * * + +A. T. Stewart & Co. + +WILL OFFER, + +Prior to taking their Semi-Annual Inventory, + +Extraordinary Bargains + +IN EVERY DESCRIPTION OF + +Silks, Dress Goods, &c., + +BROCHE GRENADINES, 25 cts. per yard; reduced from 40 cts. + +PRINTED ORGANDIES, extra fine, 20 cts. per yard; reduced from 40 cts. + +SHIRTING CAMBRICS, yard wide, only 12-1/2 cts. per yard. + +Llama Lace Shawls, Jackets, Iron +Grenadine Bareges, Real +India Camel's Hair +Shawls. + +_Plain Centres, Wide Borders, only $35 and upward._ + +PARIS MADE + +SILK CLOAKS AND SACQUES, + +Richly Embroidered Breakfast Jackets, &c. + +BROADWAY, + +4th Ave., 9th and 10th Streets. + + * * * * * + +A. T. Stewart & Co. + +Have made still further reductions in + +LADIES' LINEN AND COTTON SUITS, $5 each and upward. + +LAWN WALKING AND EVENING DRESSES, ELEGANTLY TUCKED, PUFFED, AND FLOUNCED, +$10 each upward. + +CHILDREN'S LINEN, LAWN, AND PIQUE SUITS, +TRIMMED OR BRAIDED, $1.50 each upward. + +LADIES' AND CHILDREN'S UNDERWEAR, WEDDING TROUSSEAUX, INFANTS' WARDROBES +BATHING SUITS, BOYS' CLOTHING, LADIES' PARIS AND DOMESTIC-MADE HATS AND +BONNETS, TRIMMED, $3 each upward. UNTRIMMED, $1 each upward. + +Flowers, Feathers, &c. + +_Customers and the residents of the neighboring +cities are respectfully invited to examine._ + +BROADWAY, + +4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO, + +The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly +Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. 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KERR, + +Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the year. + +A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, with superb +illustrations of + +1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW +JERSEY. + +2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken as he appears +"Every Saturday," +will also be found in the same number. + + * * * * * + +_Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from this office, +free,) Ten Cents. + +Subscription for One Year, one copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4. + + +Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new serial, which +promises to be the best ever written by ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe +now, to insure its regular receipt weekly. + +We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one who wishes +to see them, in view of subscribing, on the receipt of SIXTY CENTS. + +Address, + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +P. O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau. St., New York. + + * * * * * + +Geo. W. Wheat, Printer, No. 8 Spruce Street. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 15, July 9, +1870, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 15 *** + +This file should be named 8p11510.txt or 8p11510.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 8p11511.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 8p11510a.txt + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra Brown +and PG Distributed Proofreaders + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN EBOOKS*Ver.02/11/02*END* + diff --git a/old/8p11510.zip b/old/8p11510.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..081a57d --- /dev/null +++ b/old/8p11510.zip diff --git a/old/8p11510h.htm b/old/8p11510h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c7416b9 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/8p11510h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2153 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> +<title>Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 15, July 9, 1870</title> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> +<style type="text/css"> +<!-- +body {margin:10%; text-align:justify} +img {border: 0;} +blockquote {font-size:14pt} +P {font-size:14pt} +--> +</style> +</head> +<body> + +<h1>Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 15, July 9, 1870</h1> +<pre> +Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 15, July 9, 1870, by Various + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. 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You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 15, July 9, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: January, 2006 [EBook #9797] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on October 18, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 15 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra Brown +and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + + +</pre> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> +<br><br> +<center> + +<img alt="001.jpg (294K)" src="001.jpg" height="1150" width="790"> +<br><br><br><br> +<h1> +PUNCHINELLO</h1> + +<h2> +SATURDAY, JULY 9, 1870.</h2> + +<h3>PUBLISHED BY THE</h3> + +<h3>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY.</h3> + +<h3>83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.</h3> +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="002.jpg (262K)" src="002.jpg" height="1135" width="779"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> +<br><br> + + + +<h2> +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD</h2> + +<h4>AN ADAPTATION.</h4> + +<h3>BY ORPHEUS C. KERR.</h3> +</center> +<br> + +<p> +CHAPTER IX.</p> + +<p> +BALKS IN A BRUSH.</p> + +<p> +FLORA, having no relations in the world that she knew of, had, ever +since her seventh new bonnet, known no other home than Macassar Female +College, in the Alms-House, and regarded Miss CAROWTHERS as her +mother-in-lore. Her memory of her own mother was of a lady-like person +who had swiftly waisted away in the effort to be always taken for her +own daughter, and was, one day, brought down-stairs, by her husband, in +two pieces, from tight lacing. The sad separation (taking place just +before a party of pleasure), had driven FLORA'S father into a frenzy of +grief for his better halves; which was augmented to brain fever by Mr. +SCHENCK, who, having given a Boreal policy to deceased, felt it his duty +to talk gloomily about wives who sometimes died apart after receiving +unmerited cuts from their husbands, and to suggest a compromise of ten +per cent, upon the amount of the policy, as a much more cheerful +settlement than a coroner's inquest. FLORA'S betrothal had grown out of +the soothing of Mr. POTTS'S last year of mental disorder by Mr. DROOD, +an old partner in the grocery business, who, too, was a widower from his +wife's use of arsenic and lead for her complexion. The two bereaved +friends, after comparing tears and looking mournfully at each other's +tongues, had talked themselves to death over the fluctuations in sugar; +willing their respective children to marry in future for the sake of +keeping up the controversy.</p> + +<p>From the FLOWERPOT'S first arrival at the Alms-House, her new things, +engagement to be married, and stock of chocolate caramels, had won the +deepest affections of her teachers and schoolmates; and, on the morning +after the sectional dispute between EDWIN and MONTGOMERY, when one of +the young ladies had heard of it as a profound secret, no pains were +spared by the whole tender-hearted school to make her believe that +neither of the young men was entirely given up yet by the consulting +physicians. It was whispered, indeed, that a knife or two might have +passed, and two or three guns been exchanged; but she was not to be at +all worried, for persons had been known to get well with the tops of +their heads off.</p> + +<p>At an early hour, however, Miss PENDRAGON had paid a visit to her +brother, in Gospeler's Gulch; and, coming back with the intelligence, +that, while he had been stabbed to the heart, it was chiefly by cruel +insinuations and an umbrella, was enabled to assure Miss CAROWTHERS, in +confidence, that nothing eligible for publication in the New York Sun +had really occurred. Thus, when the legal conqueror of Breachy Mr. +BLODGETT entered that principal recitation-room of the Macassar, +formally known as the Cackleorium, she had no difficulty in explaining +away the panic.</p> + +<p>She said that "Unfounded Rumor, Ladies, is, we all know, a descriptive +phrase applied by the Associated Press to all important foreign news +procured a week or two in advance of its own similar European advices, +by the Press Association[A]. We perceive then, Ladies, (Miss JENKINS +will be good enough to stop scratching her nose while I am talking,) +that Unfounded Rumor sometimes means--hem!--</p> + +<p> 'The Associated Press<br> + In bitter distress.'</p> + +<p>In Bumsteadville, however, it has a signification more like what we +should give it in relation to a statement that Senator SUMNER had +delivered a Latin quotation without a speech selected for it. In this +sense, Ladies, (Miss PARKINSON can scarcely be aware of how much cotton +stocking can be seen when she lolls so,) the Unfounded Rumor concerning +two gentlemen of different political views in this county was not +correct. (Miss BABCOCK will learn four chapters in Chronicles by heart +to-night, for making her handkerchief into a baby,) as proper inquiries +have assured us that no more blood was shed than if the parties to the +strife had been a Canadian and a Fenian. We will, therefore, drop the +subject, and enter at once upon the flowery path of the first lesson in +algebra."</p> + +<p>This explanation destroyed all the interest of a majority of the young +ladies, who had anticipated a horridly delightful duel, at least; but +FLORA was slightly hysterical about it, even late in the afternoon, when +it was announced that her guardian had come to see her.</p> + +<p>Mr. DIBBLE, of Gowanus, had been selected for his trust on account of +his pre-eminent goodness, which, as seems to be invariably the case, was +associated with an absence of personal beauty trenching upon the +scarecrow. Possibly an excess of strong and disproportionate carving in +nose, mouth and chin, accompanied by weak eyes and unexpectedness of +forehead, may tend to make the Evil One but languid in his desire for +the capture of its human exemplar. This may help account for the +otherwise rather curious coincidence of frightful physiognomy and +preternatural goodness in this world of sinful beauties[B]. Under such a +theory, Mr. DIBBLE'S easy means of frightening the Arch-Tempter into +immediate flight, and keeping himself free from all possible incitement +to be anything but good, were a face, head and neck shaped not unlike an +old-fashioned water-pitcher, and a form suggestive of an obese lobster +balancing on an upright horse-shoe. His nose was too high up; his mouth +and chin bulged too tremendously; his neck inside a whole mainsail of +shirt-collar was too much fluted, and his eyes were as much too small +and oyster-like as his ears were too large and horny.</p> + +<p>Mr. DIBBLE found his ward in Miss CAROWTHER'S own private room, from +which even the government mails were generally excluded; and, after +saluting both ladies, and politely desiring the elder to remain present, +in order to be sure that his conversation was strictly moral, the +monstrous old gentleman pulled a memorandum book from his pocket and +addressed himself to FLORA.</p> + +<p>"I am a square man myself, dear kissling," he said, with much double +chin in his manner, "and like to do everything on the square. I am now +'interviewing' you, and shall make notes of your answers, though not +necessarily for publication. First: is your health satisfactory?"</p> + +<p>Miss POTTS admitted that, excepting occasional attacks of insatiable +longing for True Sympathy, chiefly produced by over-eating of pickles +and slate-pencils to avert excessive plumpness, she could generally take +pie twice without experiencing a subsequent reactionary tendency to +piety and gloomy presentiments.</p> + +<p>"Second: is your allowance of pin-money sufficient to keep you in cold +cream, Berlin wool, and other necessaries of life?"</p> + +<p>The FLOWERPOT confessed that she had now and then wished herself able to +buy a church and a velvet dressing-gown, (lined with cherry,) for a +young clergyman with the consumption and side-whiskers; but, under +common circumstances, her allowance was enough to procure all absolutely +requisite Edging without running her into debt, and still leave +sufficient to buy materials for any reasonable altar-cloth.</p> + +<p>"And now, my dear," said Mr. DIBBLE, evidently glad that all the more +important and serious part of the interview was over, "we come to the +subject of your marriage. Mr. EDWIN has seen you here, occasionally, I +suppose, and you may possibly like him well enough to accept him as a +husband, if not as a friend!"</p> + +<p>"He's such a perfectly absurd creature that I can't help liking him," +returned FLORA, gravely; "but I am not certain that my utterly +ridiculous deeper woman's love is entirely satisfied with the shape of +his nose."</p> + +<p>"That'll be mostly hidden by his whiskers, when they grow," observed her +guardian.</p> + +<p>"I hope they'll be bushy, with a frizzle at the ends and a bald place +for his chin," said the young girl, reflectively; then suddenly asked: +"If we <i>shouldn't</i> be married, would either of us have to pay anything?"</p> + +<p>"I should say not," answered Mr. DIBBLE, "unless you sued him for +breach." (Here Miss CAROWTHERS was heard to murmur "BLODGETT," and +hastily took an anti-nervous pill.) "I should say that your respective +parents wished you to marry only in case you should see no other persons +whose noses you liked better. As on this coming Christmas you will be +within a few months of your marriage, I have brought your father's will +with me, with the intention of depositing it in the hands of Mr. EDWIN'S +trustee, Mr. BUMSTEAD--"</p> + +<p>"Oh, leave it with EDDY, if you'll please to be so ridiculously kind," +interrupted FLORA. "Mr. BUMSTEAD would certainly insist upon it that +there were <i>two</i> wills, instead of one: and that would be so absurd."</p> + +<p>"Well, well," assented Mr. DIBBLE, rising to go, "I'm a perfectly square +man, even when I'm looking round, and will do as you wish. As a slight +memento of my really charming visit here, might I humbly petition yonder +lady to remit any little penalty that may happen to be in force just now +against any lovely student of the College for eating preserves in bed, +or writing notes to the Italian music teacher, who is already married, +or anything of that kind?"</p> + +<p>"FLORA," said Miss CAROWTHERS, graciously, "you may tell Miss BABCOCK, +that, in consequence of your guardian's request, she will be excused +from studying her Bible as a punishment."</p> + +<p>After due acknowledgment of this favor, the good Mr. DIBBLE made his +farewell bow, and went forth to the turnpike. Following that high road, +he presently found himself near the side-door of the Ritualistic Church +of Saint Cow's, and, while curiously watching the minor canons who were +carrying in some fireworks to be used in the next day's service, was +confronted by Mr. BUMSTEAD just coming out.</p> + +<p>"Let me see you home," said Mr. BUMSTEAD, hastily holding out an arm. +"I'll tell the family it's only vertigo."</p> + +<p>"Why, nothing is the matter with me," pleaded Mr. DIBBLE. "I've only +been having a talk with my ward."</p> + +<p>"I'll bet cloves for two that she didn't say she preferred me to NED," +insinuated Mr. BUMSTEAD, breathing audibly through his nose.</p> + +<p>"Then you'll not lose," was the answer; "for she did not tell me whom +she preferred to the one she wishes to marry. They never do; and +sometimes it is only discovered in Indiana. You and I surrender our +respective guardianships on Christmas, Mr. BUMSTEAD; until when +good-bye; and be early marriage their lot!"</p> + +<p>"Be early Divorce their lot!" said BUMSTEAD, thrusting his book of +organ-music so far under his coat-flap that it stuck out at the back +like a curvature of the spine.</p> + +<p>"I said marriage," cried Mr. DIBBLE, looking back.</p> + +<p>"I said Divorce," retorted Mr. BUMSTEAD, thoughtfully eating a clove, +"Don't one generally involve the other?"</p> + +<p> +[Footnote A: Oh, see here now, this is really too bad! The manner in +which the great American Adapter is all the time making totally +unexpected and vicious passes at the finest old cherished institutions +of the age is simply frightful. PUNCHINELLO should prevent it?--Well, +PUNCHINELLO <i>did</i> remonstrate at an early stage of the Adaptation; and +the result was, that all the finest feelings of his nature were outraged +by an ensuing Chapter, in which was introduced a pauper burial-ground +swarming with deceased proprietors of American <i>Punches!</i>--EDS. +PUNCHINELLO.]</p> + +<p>[Footnote B: The whole idea is nothing less than atrocious; and, in our +judgment, the Adapter's actual purpose in putting it forth is to make +his own superlative goodness seem proved by a logical conclusion.--EDS. +PUNCHINELLO.]</p> + +<br><br> + +<p> +CHAPTER X.</p> + +<p> +OILING THE WHEELS.</p> + +<p> +No husband who has ever properly studied his mother-in-law can fail to +be aware that woman's perception of heartless villainy and evidences of +intoxication in man is often of that curiously fine order of vision +which rather exceeds the best efforts of ordinary microscopes, and +subjects the average human mind to considerable astonishment. The +perfect ease with which she can detect murderous proclivities, Mormon +instincts, and addiction to maddening liquors, in a daughter's +husband--who, to the most searching inspection of everybody else, +appears the watery, hen-pecked, and generally intimidated young man of +his age--is one of those common illustrations of the infallible +acuteness of feminine judgment which are doing more and more, every day, +to establish the positive necessity of woman's superior insight, and +natural dispassionate fairness of mind, for the future wisest exercise +of the elective franchise and most just administration of the highest +judicial office. It may be said that the mother-in-law is the highest +development of the supernaturally perceptive and positive woman, since +she usually has superior opportunities to study man in all the stages +from marriage to madness; but with her whole sex, particularly after +certain sour turns in life, inheres an alertness of observation as to +the incredible viciousness of masculine character, which nothing less +than a bit of flattery or a happily equivocal reflection upon some rival +sister can either divert or mislead for a moment.</p> + +<p>"Now don't you really think, OLDY," said Gospeler SIMPSON to his mother, +as he sat watching her fabrication of an immense stocking for the poor, +"that Hopeless Inebriate and Midnight Assassin are a rather too severe +characterization of my pupil, Mr. MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON?"</p> + +<p>"No, I do not, OCTAVE," replied the excellent old nut-cracker of a lady, +who was making the charity stocking as nearly in the shape of a hatchet +as possible. "When a young man of rebel sentiments spends all his nights +in drinking lemon teas, and trying to spoil other young men's clothes in +throwing such teas at them, and is only to be put down by umbrellas, and +comes to his homes with cloves in his clenched fists, and has headaches +on the following days, he's on his way either to political office or the +gallows."</p> + +<p>"But he hasn't done so at all with s's to it," exclaimed the Reverend +OCTAVIUS, exasperated by so many plurals. "He did it but once, and then +he was strongly provoked. EDWIN mentioned the sharpness of his sister's +nose to him, and reflected casually upon the late well-known Southern +Confederacy."</p> + +<p>"Don't tell me!" reasoned the fine old lady, holding up the stocking by +its handle to see how much longer it must be to reach the wearer's +waist. "I'm afraid you're a copperhead, OCTAVE."</p> + +<p>"How you do cackle, OLDY!" said her son, who was very proud of her when +she kept still. "You can't see anything good in MONTGOMERY, because, +after the first seven or eight breakfasts with us, he said he was afraid +that so many fishballs would make his head swim."</p> + +<p>"My child," returned the old lady, thrusting an arm so far into the +charity stocking that she seemed to have the wrong kind of blue worsted +limb growing from one of her shoulders, "I have judged this dissipated +young man exactly as though he were my own son-in-law, and know that he +possesses an incendiary disposition. After the fireworks at Saint Cow's +Church, on Saint VITUS'S Day, that devoted Ritualistic Christian, Mr. +BUMSTEAD, came up to me in the porch, with his eyes nearly closed, on +account of the solemnity of the occasion, and began feeling around my +neck with both his hands. When I asked him to explain, he said that he +wanted to see whether my throat was cut yet, as he had heard that we +kept a Southern murderer at home. He was still very pale at what had +taken place in his room over night, when he finally said 'Good-day, +ladies,' to me.</p> + +<p>"MONTGOMERY is certainly attached to me, at any rate," murmured the +Gospeler, reflectively, "and has made no attempt upon my life."</p> + +<p>"That's because his sister restrains him," asserted the mother, with a +fond look. "I overheard her telling him, when she was at dinner here one +day, that you might be taken for a Southerner, if you only wore +dress-coat all the time and were heavily mortgaged. Withdraw her +influence, and the desperate young man would tar and feather us all in +our beds some night."</p> + +<p>Falling silent after this unanswerable proof of Mr. PENDRAGON'S guilt, +Mr. SIMPSON mused upon as much of the dear old nutcracker as was not +hidden by the vast charity stocking. In her ruffled cap, false front, +and spectacles, she was so exactly the figure one might picture Mr. JOHN +STUART MILL to be, after reading his latest literary knitting on the +Revolting Injustice of Masculine Society, that the Gospeler of Saint +Cow's could not help feeling how perfectly useless it was to expect her +to think herself capable of error.</p> + +<p>As, whenever the Reverend OCTAVIUS gave indication of a capacity for +speechless thoughtfulness, his benignant mother at once concluded that +he needed an anti-bilious pill, she now made all haste to the cupboard +to procure that imitation-vegetable and a glass of water. It was the +neatest, best-stored Ritualistic cupboard in Bumsteadville. Above it +hung a portrait of the Pope, from which the grand old Apostolic son of +an infallible dogma looked knowingly down, as though with the contents +of that cupboard he could get-up such a <i>schema</i> as would be palatable +to the most skeptical Bishop in all the Oecumenical Council, and of +which be might justly say: Whosoever dare think that he ever tasted a +better <i>schema</i>, or ever dreamed in his deepest consciousness that a +better could be made, let him be anathema maranatha! A most rakish +looking wooden button, noiselessly stealthly and sly, gave entrance to +this treasury of dainties; and then what a rare array of disintegrated +meals intoxicated the vision! There was the Athlete of the Dairy, +commonly called Fresh Butter, in his gay yellow jacket, looking wore to +the knife. There was turgid old Brown Sugar, who had evidently heard the +advice, go to the ant, thou sluggard! and, and mistaking the last word +for Sugared, was going as deliberately as possible. There was the +vivacious Cheese, in the hour of its mite, clad in deep, creamy, golden +hue, with delicate traceries of mould, like fairy cobwebs. The Smoked +Beef, and Doughnuts, as being more sober and unemotional features of the +pageant, appeared on either side the remains of a Cold Chicken, as +rendering pathetic tribute to hoary age; while sturdy, reliable Hash and +Fishballs reposed right and left in their mottled and rich brown coats, +with a kind of complacent consciousness of having been created according +to Mrs. GLASS'S standard dictum, First catch your Hair.</p> + +<p>Gospeler SIMPSON, by natural law, alternated from this wonderful +cupboard, very regularly, to another, or sister cupboard, also presided +over by the good old maternal nut-cracker, wherein the energetic pill +lived in its little pasteboard house next door to the crystal palace of +smooth, insinuating castor oil; and passionate fiery essence of +peppermint grew hot with indignation at the proximity of plebeian +rhubarb and squills. In the present case he quietly took his +anti-bilious globule: which, besides being a step in the direction of +removing a pimple from his chin, was also intended as a kind of medical +preparation for his coming services in the Ritualistic Church, where, at +a certain part of the ceremonies, he was to stand on his head before the +Banner of St. Alban and balance Roman candles on his uplifted feet. When +the day had nearly passed, and the Vesper hour for those services +arrived, he performed them with all the less rush of blood to the head +for being thus prepared; yet there was still a slight sensation of +congestion, and, to get rid of this, when he stepped forth from Saint +Cow's in the twilight, it was to take an evening stroll along the shore +of Bumsteadville pond.</p> + +<p>(<i>To be Continued</i>.)</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>CONDENSED CONGRESS.</h2> + +<h3> +SENATE.</h3> + +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<img alt="003.jpg (77K)" src="003.jpg" height="585" width="388"> +</td><td> +<p>Down again came the furious FRANK. But not the fiery Hun. Mr. STOCKTON +was Frank. He said he represented New Jersey. (Enthusiastic Groans.) The +constituents of New Jersey were a peculiar people. Such was their +depravity that they said they would rather have fifty per cent taken off +their taxes than to receive the speeches of their representatives in +Congress free of charge. Under these circumstances they looked upon the +franking privilege, he regretted to say, as a swindle, and remonstrated +with him, with tears in their expressive and fish-like eyes, against +being hidden by a shower of public documents. The Congressional Globe +made a very inferior article of lamp-lighters, and the proud pigs of New +Jersey declined to fatten upon the Patent Office reports.</p> + +<p>Mr. TIPTON was in favor of the franking privilege. What good would it do +anybody if Congressmen drew postage-stamps in lieu of writing their +names. As for him, he found it much easier to draw postage-stamps than +to write his name, and he was sure that none of them were so lost to a +sense of their own dignity as to pay their own postages, like ordinary +human beings.</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> +<br> +<p>Mr. STEWART said certainly not. The only thing was that there would be +an account kept of the number of postage-stamps they drew, but nobody +knew how often a man used his frank. He himself had been censured for +franking a few tons of pig-iron from Washington to Nevada. But no amount +of postage-stamps would have carried it.</p> + +<p>Mr. DRAKE referred to the darkest hour of the late war, when +postage-stamps were current, and when, if the proposed changes were +effected, they could have made the Post-Office department pay for their +drinks. But in the present state of the South, when the Ku-Klux Klan, in +spite of his most earnest endeavors, refused to kill anybody, he saw no +hope that those golden hours would return. Therefore he thought it best +to cleave to his frank.</p> + +<h3> +HOUSE.</h3> + +<p>Mr. LOGAN desired to expel WHITTEMORE permanently. WHITTEMORE had really +gone too far, and if they let him in people would consider that they +were no better, and institute investigations of a disagreeable nature +into the conduct of Congress generally. Of course the House had a right +to expel him. It had a right to expel everybody but himself.</p> + +<p>Mr. ELDRIDGE said that directly Mr. LOGAN would be claiming that he--Mr. +ELDRIDGE--ought to be expelled. This would be unpleasant to him. He +would not die in spring-time.</p> + +<p>MR. BUTLER said, in default of getting San Domingo annexed, he would +like to get the patent of a friend of his in Massachusetts extended.</p> + +<p>Mr. FARNSWORTH objected, upon the ground that Mr. BUTLER had received +shekels from the patentee.</p> + +<p>Mr. BUTLER said, if he had, he hadn't so much hair on his face as +FARNSWORTH.</p> + +<p>The Comic Speaker performed a solo on the gavel, and said it was none of +FARNSWORTH'S business anyhow.</p> + +<p>Mr. FARNSWORTH said Mr. BUTLER had got $2,000, and hadn't earned it.</p> + +<p>Mr. BUTLER said Mr. FARNSWORTH was a coward and an assassin.</p> + +<p>The Comic Speaker said he rather thought FARNSWORTH was a coward, but +assassin was unparliamentary.</p> + +<p>Mr. FARNSWORTH said the evidence showed that BUTLER was on one side +before he got a fee, and on the other afterwards.</p> + +<p>Mr. BUTLER said there was nothing green in his eye. As for FARNSWORTH, +nobody would ever pay him $2000 for anything.</p> + +<p>The Comic Speaker said that all Mr. FARNSWORTH'S remarks were perfectly +shocking. As for Mr. BUTLER, his conduct was admirable.</p> + +<p>Mr. SCHENCK saw that the interest was absorbed by FARNSWORTH and BUTLER, +and tried to divert it by getting up a little shindy with LOGAN. He said +LOGAN wanted everything done in LOGAN'S way, when notoriously everything +ought to be done in SCHENCK'S way.</p> + +<p>Mr. LOGAN said SCHENCK had led the House by the nose for four weeks. Now +he proposed to lead it for a few days himself--by the ear.</p> + +<p>The Comic Speaker said he liked to see this. It made things lively for +the boys. He hoped SCHENCK and LOGAN would keep on. But they didn't; and</p> + +<p>Mr. DAWES said he had charged some time ago that the expenses of the +Government had increased. He wished to take that back. It seemed there +had been an error in the accounts. The Government had made a mistake +against itself of seventy-six millions, and another in favor of itself +of seventy-seven millions. Both added together made more than a hundred +and fifty millions, which would reduce the expenses below those of the +traitor, murderer, viper, and unpleasant person known as ANDREW JOHNSON.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>CURRENT FABLES.</h2> + +<h3>THE BULLS AND THE BEAVERS.</h3> + +<p> +The Lion claimed dominion over all the beasts wherever they were found, +but some of them were rebellious. Among the malcontents were the Bulls, +part of whom inhabited a pasture so rich that it was called the Green +Isle, while others lived in a charming country with "the best government +the world ever saw," owned and occupied by the Eagles. Adjoining the +latter was a colony of quiet and inoffensive Beavers. The Bulls, angry +at the Beavers for their humble submission to the rule of the remote +Lion, resolved to make war upon them. Accordingly, those Bulls who lived +in the Land of the Eagles proceeded to invade the colony, intending to +dispossess the Beavers and form a government of their own. But the +Eagles had a reasonable degree of respect for the Lion, not so much on +account of his individual strength, which was comparatively trivial, but +because he was the ruler of all manner of beasts. So their leader, after +making the second memorable speech of his life, in which he said "The +Eagles is at peace with the Lion," despatched a little Eaglet to arrest +the progress of the Bulls. This messenger, flying to the edge of the +Beaver's colony, caught and confined in a prison the leader of the +Bulls, who, as he was being conducted to jail, cried out, "Verily it is +not the strength of the individual, but the number of his supporters, +which is the measure of his power."</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>THERMOMETRICAL.</h2> + +<p>In the present torrid state of the weather, can the Oriental +craftsmanship lately introduced here be properly termed Coolie labor?</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>THEATRICAL NOTE.</h2> + +<p>The OATES troupe now performing at the Olympic Theatre must not be +confounded with the Horse Opera.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.</h2> + +<p>It occurs in PUNCHINELLO, at this late day, to remark that the friends +of America in England, even in the darkest hours of the rebellion, were +ever disposed to look on the BRIGHT side.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>POETRY VERSUS PROSE.</h2> + +<p>A traveller, who has lately been shipwrecked on the ocean, has a notion +that there is precious little poetry in being Rocked in the cradle of +the deep.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>THE ONLY GERMAN POET RECOGNIZED IN WALL STREET.</h2> + +<p>KÖRNER.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>FUN AND FIN.</h2> + +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> +<img alt="004.jpg (85K)" src="004.jpg" height="604" width="400"> +</td><td> +<p>Since President GRANT's famous trouting excursion to Pennsylvania, +piscatorial pastimes appear to have become quite the thing among the +magnates of the Government. The following item from Washington, cut from +a morning paper, reads very like a bit of gossip from the history of the +Court of CHARLES II:</p> + +<p>"General SPINNER and some of his female Treasury clerks went to the +Great Falls to-day to catch black bass."</p> + + + +<p>Redolent of all that is rural and sweet, is the idea of SPINNER, +surrounded by a bevy of his "female Treasury clerks," reclining upon a +shady rock just over the Great Falls. We behold SPINNER, with our mind's +eye, "fixing" a bait for one of the lovely young fisherwomen, while half +a dozen of the others are engaged in fanning him and "Shoo-ing" the +flies away from his expressive nose. The picture is a very pretty one, +recalling to mind some brilliant pastoral by WATTEAU. There are numerous +accessories arranged in the foreground, such as hampers of cold chicken +pie, hams of the richest pink and yellow hues, and baskets of champagne, +and it would be interesting to know who pays for all. "Spinning a +minnow," as the anglers term it, for black bass, is a very appropriate +pastime for SPINNER, but, for a fresh-water fisherman, there is +something very Salt Lakey in that arrangement regarding the "female +Treasury clerks."</p> +</td></tr> +</table> +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>"LOT" ON A LOT OF PROVERBS.</h2> + +<p>DEAR PUNCHINELLO: One of my friends, who, much to the disgust of his +fellow boarders, is constantly playing an adagio movement in B flat upon +a flute, (that may not be the correct musical term, but no one will ever +know it unless you tell,) informs me that you are astute; another +friend, who makes cigar stumps into chewing tobacco, says, you're "up to +snuff." Assuming the truth of those statements, I apply to you for +information. You have the ability, have you also the inclination, to aid +a poor, weary mariner on the voyage of life, (in the steerage,) who has +been buffeted by reason, tempest-tossed by imagination, becalmed by +fancy, wrecked by stupidity, (other people's,) and is now whirling +helplessly in the Maelstrom of conundrums? (If that doesn't touch your +heart, then has language failed to accomplish the end for which it was +designed--to deceive others.)</p> + +<p>I'm the great American searcher after truth, and, though I've been at +the bottom of every well, except the Artesian ones, I am still a +searcher. Can you refuse to throw a straw to a drowning man, or a crumb +to a starving fellow-creature? Knowing that you have a mammoth heart, +and abundance of straw, and lots of bread, I feel that you cannot. List! +oh, list! and I will my caudal appendage unfold.</p> + +<p>Is enough as good as a feast, if the former is enough of walloping and +the latter is composed of pheasant and champagne? (i.e.: Is real pain as +good as champagne?) TOM ALLEN evidently got enough in his late fight, +but I'm inclined to think that he would rather strain his jaws at a +feast than at a fisticuff. The Young Democracy once got enough staying +out in the cold, but, when some of them were admitted to the feast, they +did not appear to be at all satisfied, but grabbed at the choicest +titbits.</p> + +<p>Is one bird in the hand worth two in the bush, if the one in the hand is +the Police Board, and those in the bush are the Supervisorship and the +Health Board? And suppose you've succeeded in getting your fingers on +those in the bush, wouldn't you try to make a haul? Why, I can imagine a +man who might have the Governor's place in hand, and yet consider one +bird in the bush better, if that bird could sing an old tune called +White House.</p> + +<p>How can it be possible that this world is all a fleeting show? I've +visited a great many shows, and have found that all of them are +conducted on the same principle. You pay your money at the door, sit +undisturbed through the performance, unless some junk-man should take to +junketing, and get out easily, the proprietor in fact seeming rather +glad to get rid of you. But when you enter the world, you pay nothing, +on your way through it you pay constantly, and getting out of it--at the +present prices of coffins and bombazines--is one of the most expensive +things on record.</p> + +<p>Why mustn't you look a gift horse in the mouth, if you are prudent +enough to do it on the sly? Besides, don't everybody look in the horse's +mouth, as soon as the giver has departed? Suppose you're patriotic, and +offer your son to Uncle SAM as a gift, to use in his civil service, +isn't Mr. JENCKES's bill designed as a means of looking into your son's +mouth? Maybe it's to find out if he's a public cribber. What I want to +know is, does this prohibition apply to donkeys?</p> + +<p>What possible connection can there be between doing handsome and being +handsome? Now there's BROWN, who persuaded me, on or about black Friday, +to buy his gold at the highest figures, and thus did a very handsome +thing (for himself), but he is still the ugliest looking man in our +street.</p> + +<p>If it be true, as stated in "The Gates Ajar," that there will be pianos +in heaven, haven't the men who learned harp-making, on the theory that +it was a permanent business, been grossly deceived, and haven't they an +action for damages against somebody, if they can find out who it is?</p> + +<p>If all the world's a stage, what are cars? I admit that all Broadway is +a stage, but is it at all probable that GOV. HOFFMAN vetoed the Arcade +railroad bill on that account? Besides, if all the world's a stage, why +should the men who carry passengers care about the duty on steel rails?</p> + +<p>Is it true that a man must not laugh at his own jokes? Don't you suppose +that the man who invented the <i>canard</i> about the Jews in Roumania is +laughing at the squabble which he has raised between the Associated +Press and the American Press Association, by means of his little joke? +And don't you suppose, when the returns of the last election came in, +that Mr. TWEED laughed very vigorously at his little joke, called the +new election law? If Congress should keep on joking for the rest of the +session, and, as a result, the Republican party should be turned out of +power, don't you suppose that the members will laugh--on the other side +of their mouths?</p> + +<p>There is a certain saying, which everybody retails, about the kind of +people who tell the truth. Now I always tell the truth. I'm exactly like +GEORGE WASHINGTON. If I had cut down the cherry tree, and my stern +parent had appeared upon the scene with a rawhide and asked me who did +it, I should have instantly replied, the hatchet. But I am not a child. +Can it be that I am the other thing?</p> + +<p>Now, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, can you do those sums? I have tried them in every +possible way. I have let X equal the unknown quantity, but I don't know +Y. If you can solve the problems, will you send me the answers by the +first post?</p> + +<p>Yours,</p> + +<p>LOT.</p> + +<p>[Our correspondent seems to labor under the impression that we are a +primary arithmetic, or a dictionary, or a conundrum book. We regret his +mistake, and can simply say that we are nothing of the sort. Any +reasonable conundrums, such as, How old is the world? How many +individuals is Mrs. BRIGHAM YOUNG? What becomes of the Fenian money? +When will Cuba be free? we would willingly answer, but our correspondent +cannot expect us to solve problems which are as old as BARNUM said JOYCE +HETH was. He should be able to see such things as others see them. They +are the unwritten law, and PUNCHINELLO does not propose to alter them.]</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>CONCERNING THE METHODIST BOOK CONCERN.</h2> +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<p> 'Tis well enough that GOODENOUGH<br> + Dr. LANAHAN should teach,<br> + That, sure enough, there's law enough<br> + Such slanderers to reach.</p> +<br> +<p> But, like enough, this GOODENOUGH<br> + Dr. LANAHAN may impeach,<br> + And prove enough that's bad enough + To justify his speech.</p> +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>UNKIND.</h2> + +<p>TOODLES made a solemn vow the other day, in presence of MUGGINS, that he +"would never shave until he had paid off his debts," but MUGGINS, in +relating the fact, said simply that "TOODLES had concluded to wear a +full beard the rest of his life."</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>THE POEMS OF THE CRADLE.</h2> + +<h3>Old Mother Hubbard</h3> + +<p>GENTLE READER: You have a soul for poetry. Even when an infant, and in +your cradle, you had a soul for poetry. You were not aware of it at this +early stage, but your mother--if you had one--was. With what fond +alacrity did she hasten to your cradle-side, when some wicked little pin +was trying to insinuate itself into your affections much against your +inclination, and soothe you with the pleasing strains of Mother Goose. +And how your eyes brightened and your little feet and hands commenced +playing tag, when you heard the wonders of Mother Goose extolled in +pretty verse. Ah! those were the days of romance. I will leave them now, +to search for the hidden beauties of one of your childhood's melodies, +the eventful career of Mother HUBBARD and her dog.</p> + +<p>I will begin with the opening Canto of the poem, and limit myself, for +the present, with detailing the beauties of its many incidents.</p> + + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + +<h3>CANTO I.</h3> + +<p> Old Mother Hubbard<br> + Went to the Cupboard<br> + To get her poor dog a bone;<br> + When she got there<br> + The Cupboard wan bare.<br> + And so the poor dog had none!</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + + +<p>Now, Kind Reader, follow closely whilst I display the hidden beauties of +Canto First. You will notice that the author, who now sleeps with the +unnumbered dead--a presumption on my part--has no dedication, no +introduction, no preface. He scorned a dedication, that misnomer for +gratuitous advertising. He wanted no patron, no Lord or Count somebody +or other, who might, perhaps, insure the sale of one more copy. No. He +determined to paddle his own canoe. And he did, you bet.--He wrote no +preface. What was it to the public how many ancient authors he had +ransacked to obtain ideas for his poem? What was it to the public how +many noble minds he had associated with him to help him in his laborious +work? What would the public care about his intentions to have his book +in such a form, to appear at such a date, or to be sold for such a +price? What would be the use of apologizing to the public for his many +weak points, when he thought that he knew more than they? On the +contrary, he very naturally determined that if his Poem, wasn't +readable, it would not be read, and a Preface of ignorance would make +the matter no better.--He kept clear of the folly of an Introduction-a +something which a writer gets up just to keep his hand in, perhaps, or +to tell the reader that <i>he</i> knows all about it!--The empty dishes on +the banquet-board: no one cares for them.</p> + +<p>Our felicitous Author, throwing aside all these traditional +idiosyncrasies, launches boldly into the billowy sea of his +idea-scattered brain[A], and in his very first line gives a full, +concise description of the heroine, Mrs. HUBBARD; and having finished +her description, enumerates, as was meet, the peculiarities, and, I +might say, dogmatic tendencies, of the hero of the tail, Herr Dog! [He +(not H.D., but the Author) says "Old Mother HUBBARD."] Here is +simplicity for you! Here is brevity! "Old Mother HUBBARD!" How sweetly +it sounds; how nicely the words fit each other! What an immense range of +thought he must have who first said "Old Mother HUBBARD." Less gifted +authors of the present would rejoice exceedingly, could they do +likewise. Ah!--and a spark of enthusiasm lightens up your countenance, +[Highfalutin,]--they have no HUBBARD. And if they had they would +commence with a minute detail of how old she was, how venerable she was, +what kind of a mother she was, whose mother she was, and all about her +aunt's family.</p> + +<p>Alas! for the fallen state of our Literature, which tells you +everything, and leaves you nothing to guess at, lest you might not guess +correctly. Well, as I previously observed, the author says "Old Mother +HUBBARD." He must have been correct. You know how it is yourself.</p> + +<p>This felicitous writer then proceeds, and in the next line gives vent to +his pent-up feelings thusly: "Went to the Cupboard." "Went!" What a +happy expression! How appropriate! Besides, it supplies a deficiency +which would have occurred had it been left out. "Went!" There's Saxon +for you. Our happy author, overburdened by his transcendent imagination, +has not the evil propensity of thrusting upon his reader the mode of how +she went; but, noble and manly as he was, he leaves it to you and to me +how she went!</p> + +<p>Here is a vast range for your imagination. Give your fancy wings. One +may think she waddled; another that she rambled. One may say she +preambulated; another that she pedalated.[B] One may remark that she +crutchalated; [C] but all must concede that she "went". Now whither did +she "went"? Ah! methinks your brain is puzzled. Why, she "went to the +Cupboard," says our author, who, perhaps, just then took a ten-cent nip. +She did not go around it, or about it, or upon it, or under it. She did +not let it come to her, but she went herself to the above-mentioned and +fore-named Cupboard.</p> + +<p>Now, when a woman undertakes to do a thing, she has always a reason for +her undertaking; argoul, as my friend, the grave-digger, said, the +heroine of this Epic must have had an object in view. Otherwise, what +would take her to the Cupboard? She was evidently a strong-minded woman, +and would not fritter away her valuable time for nothing. To the +Cupboard she went "to get her poor dog a bone," says the author, +following out the logical sequence of the plot. The hero of the tail was +not in the Cupboard. Of course not. The "bone" was there. Ah! but <i>was</i> +the bone there? The sequel will show.</p> + +<p>Just imagine the mild complacency, the unutterable sympathy, the +affectionate lovingness of the heroine for her hero! And with what +gentle expression she speaks of him--"her poor dog." Verily, must there +have been an abyss of kindly feeling in that Old Dame's large heart for +her poor dog!</p> + +<p>But alas! for human care and anxiety. Away ye smiles and hopes.</p> + +<p> "L'homme propose, mais Dieu dispose."[D]</p> + +<p>In other words, when she got there, to the Cupboard, and peered into its +dark recesses, and searched the hidden corners of its many shelves, "the +Cupboard was bare."</p> + +<p>Alack-a-day for Mr. D.! When he saw his kind mistress toddling along to +the receptacle of many a remnant of many a luxurious feast, he was, +perchance, filled with affection. Melting tears came to his eyes, and +poured, like a cataract, down his noble cheeks. Would it do to have his +loving mistress witness the outburst of his long pent-up feelings? Alas! +No. He must hide his tears. He tore his tail from the wag which was +about to seize it, and gently wiped away his tears! Poor fellow! Your +heart warms towards him, and you stretch out your hands to embrace him, +or to kiss him for his mother, perhaps. How must the author have felt? +If there was one grain of compassion in him, he would feel as I do, as +you do, as we all do, and trust that the loving affection of that poor +dog would be amply repaid by the promised "bone."</p> + +<p>The decrees of Fate are inexorable, however. When she went to the +Cupboard, the Cupboard was bare; had not even one bare bone, and so that +poor heroic dog "had none." [Very long O.] I pity him truly, and fain +would shed tears of grief over his melancholy affliction, if I wasn't so +awfully warm. For was never dog so disappointed as this dog. "Nev-a-r-e, +by all-l-l that's h-h-holy-y-y-e-e."[E]</p> + +<p>Not wishing to be an unwilling witness to the sad scene which was +enacted between these two loving creatures on the disappointment of +their fondest hopes, I will draw the curtain, and leave them, solitary +and alone--alone with themselves, and with no aching eye to witness +their grief, to give vent to their heart-bursting anguish.</p> + +<p>The author did wisely and well to close the Canto.</p> + +<p>Let us have--a rest!</p> + +<p>[Footnote A: Original. By GUM.]</p> + +<p>[Footnote B: Copyright for sale for all the States.]</p> + +<p>[Footnote C: Ditto.]</p> + +<p>[Footnote D: This is French--H. D.]</p> + +<p>[Footnote E: Quotation from XII T.]</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>STANDARD LITERATURE.</h2> + +<p>A writer in the <i>Standard</i>, thinking that the title Society for the +Prevention of Cruelty to Animals is clumsy on account of its length, +proposes that it be changed to Animalthropic Society. It is not likely +that Mr. BERGH, who has some reputation for scholarship, will adopt a +suggestion in which a bit of Greek is brought in "wrong end foremost," +unless, indeed, his well-known partiality for the canine creature might +induce him to look with favor upon a compound so manifestly of the "dog +Greek" description.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>QUERY</h2> + +<p>Might not the child's new-fangled humming-top, which is advertised to +dance sixty seconds, be said to dance a minuet?</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>CHEERFUL FOR SHOEMAKERS.</h2> + +<p>WESTON'S great Feat.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<center> +<img alt="005.jpg (247K)" src="005.jpg" height="675" width="955"> +</center> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>DESULTORY HINTS AND MAXIMS FOR ANGLERS.</h2> + +<p>When you see "excellent trouting in a romantic mountain district" +advertised in the papers, go somewhere else.</p> + +<p>On arriving where you have reason to believe trout exist, inquire of +some rural angler which are the best brooks, and fish exclusively in +those he runs down.</p> + +<p>In making a cast, throw your line as far as you can. The biggest fish +are usually obtained from the long Reaches.</p> + +<p>Never angle under a blistering sun, nor with Spanish flies.</p> + +<p>Keep as far as possible from the brook. If the trout see you they will +connect you with the rod, in which case you will find it difficult to +connect them with the line.</p> + +<p>Many anglers fish up stream, but the surest way to secure a mess of +trout is with the Current.</p> + +<p>Take some agreeable stimulant with you to the water-side. You will find +it a great assistance when Reeling in.</p> + +<p>One of the best places for obtaining the speckled prey is under a +Waterfall--but you needn't mention this fact to the ladies.</p> + +<p>When a brook divides among the trees, angle in the main stream, not in +the Branches.</p> + +<p>In playing a trout under the willows, be very careful, or you may get +Worsted among the Osiers.</p> + +<p>When you land a two-pound trout (which you never will,) double the +weight, else what's the use of having a Multiplier.</p> + +<p>If you wish to take anything heavy you must walk right into the water. +The regular Sneezers are generally caught in this way.</p> + +<p>The experienced angler goes forth expecting nothing, and is rarely +disappointed.</p> + +<p>Superstitious Piscators have great faith in the Heavenly Signs, but +often fail to find a Sign of a Fish under the fishiest sign of the +Zodiac.</p> + +<p>Avoid water-courses infested with saw-mills. These dammed streams seldom +contain many trout.</p> + +<p>To jerk a fish out of the water with a wire is even more despicable than +political wire-pulling.</p> + +<p>A rod should never consist of more than three sections, and the angler +should look well to his joints after a wetting, as they are apt to swell +and stiffen in the Sockets.</p> + +<p>Rise early if you would have good sport. Should you feel sleepy +afterwards, the river has a Bed that you can easily get into.</p> + +<p>Catching trout is strictly a summery pleasure, and when indulged in at +any other season should be visited by Summary punishment.</p> + +<p>There are numerous treatises on angling, but in "JOHN BROWN'S Tract" the +youthful Piscator will find the best of Guides.</p> + +<p>It often happens that trout do not begin to bite till late in the day, +in which case it is advisable to make the most of the <i>commencement de +la Fin.</i></p> + +<p>As the culture of fish is now engaging the attention of philanthropists, +it is probable that the superior varieties will hereafter be found in +Schools, where, of course, the Rod will be more profitably employed than +in Whipping (under present circumstances,) "the complaining brooks that +keep the meadows green."</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<h2>LOVE IN A BOARDING-HOUSE.</h2> +<br> +<p> Miss SARAH SAGOE'S boarding-house--I recommend her steaks;<br> + Two plates of pudding she allows, and--oh! what buckwheat cakes!<br> + We're all so very fond of them, (we deprecate the grease,)<br> + But we'd a greater fondness for Miss SARAH SAGOE'S niece.</p> +<br> +<p> In heavenly blue her eyes surpassed--the milk; "her teeth were pearl."<br> + That's BROWN! Poetic genius, BROWN, (devoted to that girl.)<br> + JOE TROTT to flowers took; SAWTELL, and PETERS to croquet;<br> + GREEN thrumbed guitar; while as for me, I sighed and pined away.</p> +<br> +<p> Not one but lost his appetite--at no less price for board.<br> + Meanwhile this heartless ARABELLE, by all of us adored,<br> + Gives out that she's to marry a rich broker from New York;<br> + We heard the news at dinner--down dropped each knife and fork.</p> +<br> +<p> We're glad our eyes are open now, though every one's a dupe,<br> + 'Tis queer we didn't see before how she dipped up the soup;<br> + And, now I think it over, I wonder man could wish<br> + To win that hand unmerciful that so harpooned the fish.</p> +<br> +<p> "That vulgar girl," as JOE TROTT says, "a helpmeet fine will make"--<br> + She never failed to help herself most handsomely to steak;<br> + The pudding holds out better now that she is gone away--<br> + And it's consolation precious that I've not her board to pay.</p> + + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="006.jpg (246K)" src="006.jpg" height="1018" width="712"> +</center> + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.</h2> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<img alt="007.jpg (96K)" src="007.jpg" height="607" width="396"> + +</td><td> + +</td><td> + +<p>Manager DALY found <i>Frou Frou</i> so popular, that he has given us a second +dose of M. SARDOU'S Dramatic Mixture, three times stronger than the +first, and warranted to restore the moral tone of all repentant Pretty +Waiter Girls. The label borne by the new Mixture is "<i>Fernande</i>," but as +"CLOTILDE," and not "FERNANDE," is the principal ingredient, the name is +obviously ill-selected. Though the materials were imported from the +celebrated Parisian laboratory of M. SARDOU, the Mixture in its present +form was prepared "<i>in vacuo</i>" by two dramatic chemists of this city, +and ought properly to bear their name. As compared with <i>Frou Frou</i>, it +is much more palatable, and far more powerful, and there is no reason to +suppose that it contains anything deleterious to the moral health of the +play-goer. An analysis made by order of PUNCHINELLO shows that it +consists of the following materials, combined in the following +proportions:</p> +</td></tr> +</table> +<p>ACT I.--<i>Scene, a Gambling-House. Enter</i> M. POMMEROL, <i>a benevolent +lawyer.</i></p> + +<p>POMMEROL. "I am a lawyer with an enormous practice. Having nothing +whatever to do, I came here to find FERNANDE, the pretty waiter girl. +Here comes my cousin CLOTILDE. She is an angel of virtue and the +mistress of my friend ANDRE. What can she want here?"</p> + +<p>CLOTILDE. "My carriage has just run over a young girl, who lives here. +As the horses trampled upon her for some time, I came to see if she had +sustained any inconvenience."</p> + +<p>POMMEROL. "CLOTILDE, this girl is named FERNANDE. She is as bad as she +can well be, therefore I implore you to take her home with you and adopt +her. Will you do it?"</p> + +<p>CLOTILDE. "Of course I will. Who could refuse such a trifling request! +But look, here come the people of the house."</p> + +<p><i>Enter various gamblers and disreputable women, who conduct themselves +with appropriate freedom from the restraints of conventionality.</i> +FERNANDE, <i>who is too lachrymose to be a cheerful feature, is wisely +placed on guard at the outer door. The company proceed to play at faro, +the bank being the loser. There is a false alarm of police, and the game +is suddenly stopped. The Banker, being naturally indignant, attempts to +relieve his mind by punching</i> FERNANDE's <i>head. Heroic interference by</i> +POMMEROL, <i>and consequent tableau. Curtain.</i></p> + +<p>SATIRICAL PERSON, <i>to one of the ushers.</i> "Will you tell me what street +this house is in?"</p> + +<p>USHER. "Twenty-fourth street, sir."</p> + +<p>SATIRICAL PERSON. "All right. You see I came up in a University Place +car, and I was beginning to think, after having seen that last scene, +that I had made a mistake, and gone down town instead of up town."</p> + +<p>RESPECTABLE LADY, <i>to female friend.</i> "Isn't it shockingly improper! But +then it is so interesting, and it is really one's duty to know how those +creatures conduct themselves when they are at home."</p> + +<p>ACT II.--<i>Scene,</i> CLOTILDE's <i>Garden.</i> CLOTILDE <i>soliloquizes as +follows:</i></p> + +<p>CLOTILDE. "I have adopted FERNANDE and shall call her MARGUERITE. ANDRE +has deceived me, and I will test his love at once." (<i>Enter</i> ANDRE.)</p> + +<p>CLOTILDE. "ANDRE, I think we have made a mistake in fancying ourselves +in love. Would you like to leave me?"</p> + +<p>ANDRE. "My dearest friend, I really think I should. You see I have just +fallen in love with an innocent little angel. By Jove! there she is. +Tell me her name."</p> + +<p>CLOTILDE. "That is MARGUERITE, a protegé of mine. You shall marry her. +Go and make love to her." (<i>He goes.</i>)</p> + +<p>CLOTILDE. "The base wretch deserts me. I will proceed to become a +tigress. I will marry him to FERNANDE, and then tell him what a base +wretch she is. We'll see how he will like that. He thinks her innocent! +Ha! ha! (<i>Aside.</i>--On reflection she is innocent according to this +version of the play; but SARDOU told the truth about her, and I will act +on the supposition that she is a wretch.) That will be a fit revenge, +and I can't do better than rave about it for a while." (<i>Raves +accordingly until the curtain falls.</i>)</p> + +<p>COLD-BLOODED CRITIC. "I have never seen a finer piece of acting than +that of Miss MORANT in the last scene. But then her revenge becomes +absurd when you reflect that FERNANDE is just what ANDRE fancies her, an +innocent girl. That is a fair specimen of the way in which American +writers adapt French plays. They sacrifice probability to prudery."</p> + +<p>FASHIONABLE LADY. "How sweetly penitent FERNANDE looks in her black +dress. I hope she will be innocent enough to wear white in the next act. +One shouldn't give way to repentance or grief for too long a time. Now +when my husband died I was in the deepest grief for six months, and then +slipped into half mourning so gradually that no one noticed the change."</p> + +<p>ACT III. FERNANDE <i>and</i> CLOTILDE <i>are discovered discussing the question +of</i> FERNANDE's <i>wedding outfit.</i></p> + +<p>FERNANDE. "But does ANDRE know how naughty I behaved when I was an +innocent girl in a gambling-house?"</p> + +<p>CLOTILDE. "He does, my dear, but you mustn't speak of it to him,"</p> + +<p>FERNANDE. "I will write to him then, and confess all. There isn't +anything to confess, but still I am determined to confess it."</p> + +<p>CLOTILDE. "Write if you choose. (<i>Aside.</i> I will put the letter in a +lamp-post box, so that he will never get it. On second thought I will +keep it. Some day I might want to use it.")</p> + +<p>FERNANDE <i>writes the letter and</i> CLOTILDE <i>confiscates it.</i> ANDRE, +POMMEROL <i>and a variety of people come and go and talk of a variety of +things. Finally</i> FERNANDE <i>and</i> ANDRE <i>are led out to marriage, and the +dread ceremony is perpetrated. Curtain.</i></p> + +<p>The fourth act opens with a pleasant family party at the house of the +newly married couple. The company play at that singular game of cards so +popular on the stage, in which everybody plays out of turn, and nobody +ever takes a trick. Finally they all go to bed except ANDRE, who goes to +sleep in his chair, as is doubtless the custom with newly-married +Frenchmen. Presently CLOTILDE enters through a secret door and wakes him +up.</p> + +<p>ANDRE. "My dear CLOTILDE, you really mustn't. Think what my wife would +say. So innocent an angel would suspect there was something wrong in +your visiting me at midnight."</p> + +<p>CLOTILDE. "Base villain, you have deserted me. Now I am revenged. Your +wife was once a pretty waiter-girl and her name is FERNANDE. Call her +and ask her if I speak the truth." (<i>He calls her.</i>)</p> + +<p>ANDRE. "Is your name FERNANDE? Ah, I see by the disorder of your back +hair that CLOTILDE's story is too true. Wretched girl, why did you not +tell me all before I married you?"</p> + +<p>FERNANDE. "Spare me. I was a pretty waiter-girl, but I wrote you a +letter and confessed my innocence."</p> + +<p>(<i>She faints on a worsted ottoman, while her husband raves like an</i> +OTTOMAN <i>who has been worsted in a difficulty with an intruder into his +harem.) Enter</i> POMMEROL.</p> + +<p>POMMEROL. "She speaks the truth. Here is her written confession. I took +it out of CLOTILDE's pocket. I will read it." (<i>Reads it.</i>)</p> + +<p>FERNANDE. "You hear it? I confessed all my innocence. If you did not get +it, blame the post-office authorities, but do not throw the poker at +me."</p> + +<p>ANDRE. "FERNANDE! My love! My wife! Come back, and I will forgive your +innocence!" (<i>Tableau.</i>) <i>Curtain.</i></p> + +<p>RESPECTABLE MATRON. "Well, I will say that of all indecent plays this is +the worst. It isn't half as nice as that pretty <i>Frou-Frou</i>. The idea of +that miserable ANDRE forgiving such a hussy as his wife!"</p> + +<p>From which virtuous and venomous opinion the undersigned begs to differ. +The play is simply superb, in spite of the faults of the translation. It +is shocking only to the most prurient of prudes; and in point of +morality is infinitely better than <i>Frou-Frou</i>. And then it is played as +it ought to be. Miss MORANT is magnificent, Mr. LEWIS is immensely +funny, and Messrs. CLARKE and HASKINS are equal to whatever is required +of them. If <i>Frou-Frou</i> ran a hundred nights, <i>Fernande</i> ought to run +five hundred. And that it may is the sincere hope of</p> + +<p>MATADOR.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>A NEW MUSICAL SENSATION.</h2> + +<p>It is stated that the Oneida Indians have organized a cornet band. This +new combination of Copper and brass will doubtless have a very pleasing +effect.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>THE WATERING PLACES.</h2> + +<h3>PUNCHINELLO'S VACATIONS.</h3> + +<p>Last week Mr. PUNCHINELLO took a run over to Saratoga. He bought +DISRAELI'S new novel to read in the cars, and he very soon made up his +mind that if the book correctly described the tone of society in +England, it is safe to say that it is low there.</p> + +<p>Reaching the town of merry Springs and doleful Swallows, Mr. P. went +straight to the house of the good LELANDS. When he got there he was +amazed--he couldn't believe that that grand palace was the old "Union." +But he soon reflected that it was the fashion, now-a-days, to +reconstruct old Unions of every kind, and so it wasn't so surprising to +his mind after he had got through with his reflections. But he couldn't +help hoping that the fellows down at Washington, who were also at work +on an old Union, would turn out as good a job as the LELANDS had. As +soon as he got inside, Mr. P. summoned his friend WARREN, that they +might consult together about his accommodations. There were plenty of +vacant rooms, but Mr. P. made up his mind that he would prefer to take +one of those delightful cottages in the court-yard. One of these was so +much more gorgeous than the others, that Mr. P. chose it on the spot.</p> + +<p>"Ah!--yes--" quoth the gentle WARREN, "I should be delighted, I'm sure, +but that cottage is reserved especially for the Empress EUGENIE, who, +you know, is expected here daily."</p> + +<p>"Indeed!" said Mr. P. "If she is coming so soon, I could not, of course, +keep it very long. So tell me, my good friend, for what trifling sum +will you let me have this cottage till the Empress comes?"</p> + +<p>Mr. LELAND gazed earnestly at Mr. P., and asked him what he thought of +the Chinese question; and whether he believed that this would be a good +year for corn. Then Mr. P. struck a bargain for a back-room in the +seventh story of the right-hand tower.</p> + +<p>Early the next morning Mr. P., like a conscientious man as he is, went +to drink of the waters of the place. He had a strong belief, based upon +experience, that he would not fancy any of the old springs, and so he +tried a new one--the "Geyser."</p> + +<p>Mr. P. stayed a good while at the Geyser. There happened to be a young +lady there who insisted upon helping him to the water with her own lily +hands--the boy might dip it up, but she <i>must</i> hand it to him--and she +had such a way with her that he drank fifty-one glasses. When he came +back to the hotel, and the good WARREN asked him what was the matter, he +merely remarked:</p> + +<p>"I'm a quiz, LELAND. If you choose, you may call me a Guy, sir."</p> + +<p>Mr. P. got himself analysed that day by Dr. ALLEN, and he was found to +consist principally of carbonate of Lime; Silicate of Potassa; Iodide of +Magnesia; and Chloride of Sodium; with a strong trace of Sulphate of +Strontia.</p> + +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> +<img alt="008a.jpg (48K)" src="008a.jpg" height="598" width="299"> + +</td><td> + +</td><td> + +<p>At night, however, he was able to attend the hop in the grand saloon. +For a time Mr. P. danced with one girl right along. A pretty girl she +was, too, and the style of her dress showed very plainly that it was +EUGENIE she was hoping to see at Saratoga, and not Madame OLLIVIER. +Well, she had not danced with Mr. P. more than a couple of hours when +she left him for a Pole--one of these wandering Counts that you always +see at such places--a regular hop-Pole, in fact. Mr. P. got very angry +at this insult, and if he had had his way he would have had the fellow +partitioned off--like his beloved country. He was so wrathy, indeed, +that when the hop was over he started on an Arctic expedition, but he +had the same luck as KANE, HALL, and the other fellows.</p> + +<p>He never saw that Pole.</p> + +<p>After this, Mr. P. thought he would keep away from the ladies--but it +was of no use to think. There is a <i>something</i> about Mr. +PUNCHINELLO--but it matters not--suffice it to say that he went out +buggy riding the next day with ANNA DICKINSON on the Lake road. The +horse he drove had belonged to LEONARD JEROME--he was out of "Cash" by +"Thunder," and he had sold him to the livery-man here. He was called a +"two-forty," but when he began to go, Mr. P. was of the opinion that a +musician would have considered his style entirely too <i>forte</i>. They had +not ridden more than half way to BARHYTE'S, before Mr. P. began to feel +his arm bones coming out. But the "Princess of the Platform" was +delighted.</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> + +<p>"Why, you're a capital fellow, Mr. PUNCHINELLO," she cried. "There's +nothing slow or fogeyish about you. You ought to be on the <i>Revolution</i>, +now that TILTON is putting live people there."</p> + +<p>"I shall be a tiltin' myself, and on a revolution too," said Mr. P., "if +this confounded horse don't slack up."</p> + +<p>"Why, what do you mean?" said Miss D.</p> + +<p>"I mean we shall upset," said he.</p> + +<p>"He's got his head too much your side," screamed Miss D. "Hadn't you +better pull on the left string?"</p> + +<p>"No, I hadn't," yelled Mr. P., as the horse commenced to run.</p> + +<p>"But <i>I</i> think you had," cried she. "Don't you believe that women are +naturally as capable of understanding and determining what laws will be +as equitable, and what measures as effective to those ends, as men?"</p> + +<p>"No, I don't!" cried Mr. P., sawing away at the horse's mouth, and +beginning to make a little impression upon it.</p> + +<p>"You should pull that left leather string!" she cried again. "Don't I +know? How dare you make sex a ground of exclusion from the possession +and exercise of equal rights!" and with this, she made a grab at the +left rein.</p> + +<p>It is of no use entering into further particulars of this ride. Towards +evening, Mr. P. and his companion returned to Saratoga and delivered to +the livery-man his equipage--that is, what was left of it.</p> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="008b.jpg (62K)" src="008b.jpg" height="361" width="522"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<p>That evening, Mr. P. was sitting in his room, very busy over a new +conundrum for his paper. He had got the answer all right, but to save +his life, he could not get a question to suit it. While he was thus +puzzling his brains, there came a knock at the door, and to him entered +the Hon. JOHN MORRISSEY.</p> + +<p>"Good evenin', P.," says JOHN, taking, at the same time, a seat, and one +of Mr. P.'s <i>Partagas</i>. "I want you to do something for me."</p> + +<p>"And what is it?" said Mr. P., with a benevolent smile.</p> + +<p>"Why, you see," said the Hon. JOHN, "I'm very busy just now--the +commencement of the season, you know--and I would like you to serve in +my place for a while."</p> + +<p>"Why, Congress will soon adjourn now!" said Mr. P.</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes!" said MORRISSEY, "but I'm on a committee which must serve in +the recess. Me and BILL KELLEY are the two chaps appointed as a +committee to weigh all the pig-iron that has been imported in the last +year, and to see if the gover'ment hasn't been swindled, in either the +deal or the play. Now you see that ain't in my line at all, and as soon +as I heard you were here, I thought you were the man to take my place."</p> + +<p>"I'm sorry," said Mr. P., "but really, JOHN, I haven't the time. It's a +sort of committee of ways and means, isn't it?"</p> + +<p>"Well," said JOHN, "a fellow weighs, that's true; and the whole business +is mean enough. But if you can't take hold of it, we'll say no more +about it. Come on down with me to my place and have some supper."</p> + +<p>"Your place!" said Mr. P. "Have you a place here?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, <i>sir</i>," said the Congressman, "a bully club-house, and it's paid +for too; and if you'll come along I'll give you a hearty welcome and +some good cigars--and not dime ones, either," added he, throwing away +the greater part Mr. P.'s <i>Partaga</i>.</p> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="009.jpg (131K)" src="009.jpg" height="516" width="693"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<p>The personal property of Mr. PUNCHINELLO consisted principally of U. S. +5.20 coupon bonds of 1868; Chicago and Northwestern--preferred; Hannibal +and St. Joseph--1st mortgage bonds; a heavy deposit of bullion, mostly +gold bars; and Ashes in inspection ware-house, both pots and pearls.</p> + +<p>When, early the next morning, he left the club-house of his friend, the +Congressman, he was still the proud owner of his Ashes--both pots and +pearls.</p> + +<p>Saratoga is too expensive a place for a long sojourn, and Mr. P. left +the next day.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>COMIC ZOOLOGY.</h2> + +<h3>ORDER, PACHYDERMATA.--THE RHINOCEROS.</h3> + +<p>There are several species of the Rhinoceros, some of which have one +horn, like a Unicorn, others two, like a Dilemma. All the varieties are +as strictly vegetarian as the late SYLVESTER GRAHAM, but their fondness +for a botanic diet may be ascribed to instinct, rather than reflection, +as they are not ruminating animals. The most formidable of the tribe is +the Black Rhinoceros of Equatorial Africa, which is particularly +dangerous when it turns to Bay. Though dull of eye and ear, this +ponderous beast will follow a scent with wonderful tenacity, and the +promptness with which it makes its tremendous charges has earned for it, +among European hunters, the sobriquet of the "Ready Rhino." The fact +that the Black Rhinoceros is armed with two horns, while most of the +white species have but one, may perhaps account for the greater +viciousness of the former--it being generally admitted that the most +ferocious of all known monsters are those which have been furnished with +a plurality of horns. This is the position taken by the famous New +England naturalist, NEAL DOW, in his dissertations on that destructive +Eastern pachyderm, the Striped Pig, and it seems to be fully borne out +by the history of the great Scriptural Decicorn, as given by the +inspired Zoologist, ST. JOHN.</p> + +<p>We learn from Sir SAMUEL BAKER and other Nimrods of the Ramrod who have +hunted up the Nile, that herds of the Black Rhinoceros are pretty +thickly sprinkled throughout the whole extent of the Nilotic basin, and +especially near the great watershed which forms the primary source of +the mysterious river. The natives of that region universally regard the +creature as a Rum customer, and not having the requisite Spirit to face +it boldly, they set Gins under the Tope trees, at the places where it +comes to drink, and thus effect its destruction.</p> + +<p>As the Rhinoceros, whatever its species, seeks the densest covert, and +its hide is almost impenetrable, it is a difficult animal to bag. Its +peltry being of about the same consistency and thickness as the +vulcanized India Rubber used in cushioning billiard tables, balls often +rebound from it without producing a score. This difficulty may, however, +be obviated--according to Sir SAMUEL BAKER--by firing half-pound shells +from the shoulder, with a rifle of proportionate size, and if the +Sporting Bulletins of that enterprising traveller are not shots with the +long bow, he carried the war into Africa to some purpose, not +unfrequently bagging his Baker's dozen of Rhinoceroses in the course of +forty-eight hours. The African and the Asiatic species bear a general +resemblance to each other, although probably, if placed side by side, +points of difference would be observed between them.</p> + +<p>It is a disputed question among Biblical commentators whether the +Rhinoceros or the Hippopotamus is the Behemoth of Scripture, but as the +Rhinoceros feeds on furze and the Hippopotamus does not, it would seem +that the terminal syllable "moth" more properly applies to the latter. +As numerous fossil remains of the animal have been found from time to +time in the Rhenish provinces of Germany, it is supposed by some +archaeologists that prior to the Noachian Deluge its principal habitat +was the Valley of the Rhine, where it was known as the Rhine-horse. The +"horse," it is alleged, was subsequently corrupted into "hoss," +whereupon the lexicographers, uncertain which of the two renderings was +the true one, called it in their vocabularies the "Rhine horse or hoss," +and thence the present still more senseless corruption, "Rhinoceros." +This is, of course, mere theory, but it is supported by the well +authenticated parallel case of the Nylghau--more properly Nile +Ghaut--which derived its name from the singular fact that it was never +seen by any human being in the neighborhood of the Ghauts of the Nile. +Although the Nile has such a fishy reputation that stories from that +source are generally taken <i>cum grano salis</i>, or profanely characterised +(see Cicero) as "<i>Nihil Tam incredible</i>," the above statement in +relation to the Nylghau will not be seriously disputed by any well +informed naturalist.</p> + +<p>The general aspect of the Rhinoceros is that of a hog in armor on a +grand scale. The males of the genus are called bulls, but they are more +like boars, with the tusk inverted and transferred by Rhino-plastic +process to the nose. When enraged, the animal exalts its horn and +trumpets like a locomotive, whereupon it is advisable to give it the +right of way, as to face the music would be dangerous.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + +<h2>SIC SEMPER E PLURIBUS, ETC.</h2> +<br> +<p> Oh, Star-spangled Banner! once emblem of glory,<br> + And guardian of freedom and justice and law,<br> + How bright in the annals of war was thy story!<br> + <i>Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!</i></p> +<br> +<p> Time was when the nations beheld thee and trembled,<br> + Though now they assure us they don't care a straw<br> + For wrath which they say is but poorly dissembled;<br> + <i>Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!</i></p> +<br> +<p> They <i>know</i> our best ships are dismantled or rotten,<br> + <i>We</i> know that they'll soon be abolished by law,<br> + And FARRAGUT'S triumphs are nearly forgotten;<br> + <i>Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!</i></p> +<br> +<p> The soldiers whose best days were spent in our service--<br> + Whose manhood we claimed as our right by the law,<br> + As paupers must die, since their cost would unnerve us;<br> + <i>Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!</i></p> +<br> +<p> We look for respect in the eyes of the nations,<br> + And man our defences with soldiers of straw,<br> + To save for vile uses their pay and their rations;<br> + <i>Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!</i></p> +<br> +<p> With armies reduced, and the ghost of a navy,<br> + Of course we must trust to our ancient <i>éclat</i>;<br> + Economy now is the cry, we must save a<br> + Few millions for thieves to steal--<i>unum go bragh!</i></p> +<br> +<p> "<i>Sun</i>" DANA may bluster as much as he pleases--<br> + Our friend, Mr. FISH, is sustained by the law,<br> + And old Mr. BENNETT just bellows to tease us;<br> + <i>Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!</i></p> +<br> +<p> There's LOGAN, who once had the heart of a hero--<br> + Alas! that same heart is now only a craw,<br> + And its vigor has sunk away down below Zero;<br> + <i>Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!</i></p> +<br> +<p> His action has sadden'd the hearts of more freemen<br> + Than fought under GRANT in defence of the law;<br> + Well--well--never mind--we can boast of our women;<br> + <i>Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!</i></p> +<br> +<p> The people may some day awake to the notion<br> + That statesmen can tamper too much with the law,<br> + And send them to regions less genial than Goshen;<br> + <i>Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!</i></p> + + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="010.jpg (163K)" src="010.jpg" height="651" width="667"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>ON CATS.</h2> + +<p>Some cats are black, some brown, some white, some "arf and arf."</p> + +<p>Some cats are gentle, and require a good deal of pinching and +"worriting" to bring them to the scratch, like some persons, who require +to get their dander up before they'll show fight.</p> + +<p>Other cats, however, are very vicious. These, from their spitting +proclivities, might be called Spitfires. I dare say this regards black +cats most, whose backs, when rubbed in the dark, are seen to emit +<i>sparks</i>.</p> + +<p>A cat that is good at the spitting business, and well up in the trade, +can do a smart thing or two in the defensive line--as when confronted by +a dog, for instance. If the feline can only keep up a vigorous and well +directed spitting, the canine is almost sure to retreat, with his tail +between his legs, (if it is not too short to get there.)</p> + +<p>Cats are generally considered rat and mouse destroyers. I dare say they +are, though the two I once kept (I drowned them in the cistern) were +more notorious as crockery destroyers than anything else. I thought, on +the whole, that they exterminated more raw beef than rats and mice, so I +consigned them to a watery grave.</p> + +<p>It was a good thing for WHITTINGTON that there are such things as mice, +and cats (if they are not too fat) to destroy them. His cat was truly +worth its weight in gold to him. Such a cat should have been embalmed +for the benefit of posterity. It must have been a noble sight to see the +feline banquetting on the dainty joints of the <i>mus</i> in the Fejee +palace, and WHITTINGTON getting a bag of gold for each victim his +follower devoured. Honor to WHITTINGTON and his Cat!</p> + +<p>Cats are very fond of birds--when they can get 'em, "otherwise not." To +see a cat watching a bird, you would think there was some magnetic +attraction in the love line between them. There may be, <i>before hand</i>. +But let the cat once touch its sought-for, and I assure you there is no +love lost. By some accident or other, the little birdie goes down +Grimalkin's throat.</p> + +<p>A cat has nine lives, we are told; something like old METHUSELAH, who, +they declare, got so tired of living that he had to die to get some +relief. I know some ladies who would like to borrow a life or two from +the cat, especially those on the wrong side of the line, as regards +thirty. Owing to the nine lives, a cat may be jerked about pretty +promiscuously from third story windows, <i>et cetera</i>. They have a knack +of falling on their feet, which a good many BLONDINS would like to +have--especially when a rope breaks, and when they "a kind of" forget +that "Pride must have a fall."</p> + +<p>Such are a few remarks on Cats of every description. As this ain't a +Prize Essay, I don't give the different species, which are as numerous +as the hairs of my head, and these are now pretty numerous, as I am not +particular about cutting them.</p> + +<p>BILL BISCAY.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>"DY(E)ING AND SCOURING DONE HERE."</h2> + +<p>A Correspondent of one of the daily papers, writing from Athens, on the +subject of the brigandage outrages lately perpetrated in Greece, says +that "the Kingdom is scoured by soldiers."</p> + +<p>That's right. It has long been a very dirty little Kingdom, and a good +scouring by soldiers is the only thing to obliterate the numerous Greece +spots with which it has been tarnished.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>NOW'S YOUR CHANCE.</h2> + +<p>The attention of the New York daily newspapers is called to the fact +that the mosquitoes down in Maine this season are uncommonly large and +extremely numerous. Now, it is well known that fleas can be trained to +do (upon a small scale) many things usually done by human beings; and +why may not the very largest of the mosquitoes be educated to manage the +daily newspapers? How beautifully would they buzz! how venomously would +they bite! how remorselessly would POTT, (of <i>The Independent</i>,) let +loose his insect champions upon SLURK, of <i>The Gazette</i>!</p> + +<p>P. S. Mr. PUNCHINELLO begs leave to observe that no allusion is here +intended to Mr. TILTON'S <i>Independent</i>, which is extremely well supplied +with mosquitoes already.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>OUR PORTFOLIO.</h2> + +<p>One of the most heart-rending elopements on record is that of MORDECAI +SKAGGS, an Indianian by birth, but a Chicagoan by adoption, who left a +legitimate spouse at Owen, Spencer County, Indiana, and fled with a +beautiful "affinity" toward the "Lake City." The deserted wife, like a +pursuing Nemesis, "went for him." She tracked him from stage to stage of +his journey, and finally overtook the fugitive, but not before he had +"consummated marriage a second time."</p> + +<p>When found, she did not pause "to make a note" of MORDECAI, but seized +him by the beard, very much as OTHELLO did the "uncircumcised Jew;" yet, +not caring to slay him outright, she exploded a pitcher of ice-water +upon his heated brow, and while still clasping his dishevelled locks +pelted the supposed guilty partner of his flight with the fragments of +the broken vessel. But the chief shock of this disaster, to the +unfortunate SKAGGS, occurred in the interval of a brief cessation of +hostilities, when the enraged wife demanded to know of the other woman +why she had thus outraged the sanctity of her domestic altars, and the +"other woman" explained that the too seductive SKAGGS had represented +himself as a single man. Thereupon the two joined forces, and set upon +MORDECAI; pulling his hair out by the roots; scarifying his manly phiz +with their delicate claws; and so marring and disfiguring this +"double-breasted" deceiver that not even the penetration of the maternal +eye could discover in that battered carcass the once familiar lineaments +of a beloved son.</p> + +<p>The thought suggested to PUNCHINELLO by this catastrophe is whether we +may not safely leave the iniquity of Western divorce law to work out its +own salvation, when it provokes the use of such weapons, and makes it +possible for the penalty to follow so closely upon the heels of crime.</p> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="011.jpg (252K)" src="011.jpg" height="1132" width="763"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="012.jpg (224K)" src="012.jpg" height="1133" width="780"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + + + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 15, July 9, +1870, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 15 *** + +This file should be named 8p11510h.htm or 8p11510h.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 8p11511h.htm +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 8p11510ah.htm + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra Brown +and PG Distributed Proofreaders + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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