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| author | nfenwick <nfenwick@pglaf.org> | 2025-03-31 01:09:31 -0700 |
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| committer | nfenwick <nfenwick@pglaf.org> | 2025-03-31 01:09:31 -0700 |
| commit | 9767c52e95ff57e53d6ae089a652a08cf5f58a18 (patch) | |
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@@ -13,7 +13,7 @@ Title: The Complete Works of William Shakespeare Author: William Shakespeare Release Date: January 1994 [eBook #100] -[Most recently updated: July 23, 2023] +[Most recently updated: August 27, 2023] Language: English @@ -109217,2961 +109217,4833 @@ So sore as keeping safe Nerissa’s ring. + THE MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR -Dramatis Personae - - SIR JOHN FALSTAFF - FENTON, a young gentleman - SHALLOW, a country justice - SLENDER, cousin to Shallow - - Gentlemen of Windsor - FORD - PAGE - WILLIAM PAGE, a boy, son to Page - SIR HUGH EVANS, a Welsh parson - DOCTOR CAIUS, a French physician - HOST of the Garter Inn - - Followers of Falstaff - BARDOLPH - PISTOL - NYM - ROBIN, page to Falstaff - SIMPLE, servant to Slender - RUGBY, servant to Doctor Caius - - MISTRESS FORD - MISTRESS PAGE - MISTRESS ANNE PAGE, her daughter - MISTRESS QUICKLY, servant to Doctor Caius - SERVANTS to Page, Ford, etc. - -SCENE: Windsor, and the neighbourhood - -ACT I. SCENE 1. - -Windsor. Before PAGE'S house - -Enter JUSTICE SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH EVANS - - SHALLOW. Sir Hugh, persuade me not; I will make a Star - Chamber matter of it; if he were twenty Sir John Falstaffs, - he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, esquire. - SLENDER. In the county of Gloucester, Justice of Peace, and - Coram. - SHALLOW. Ay, cousin Slender, and Custalorum. - SLENDER. Ay, and Ratolorum too; and a gentleman born, - Master Parson, who writes himself 'Armigero' in any bill, - warrant, quittance, or obligation-'Armigero.' - SHALLOW. Ay, that I do; and have done any time these three - hundred years. - SLENDER. All his successors, gone before him, hath done't; - and all his ancestors, that come after him, may: they may - give the dozen white luces in their coat. - SHALLOW. It is an old coat. - EVANS. The dozen white louses do become an old coat well; - it agrees well, passant; it is a familiar beast to man, and - signifies love. - SHALLOW. The luce is the fresh fish; the salt fish is an old - coat. - SLENDER. I may quarter, coz. - SHALLOW. You may, by marrying. - EVANS. It is marring indeed, if he quarter it. - SHALLOW. Not a whit. - EVANS. Yes, py'r lady! If he has a quarter of your coat, there - is but three skirts for yourself, in my simple conjectures; - but that is all one. If Sir John Falstaff have committed - disparagements unto you, I am of the church, and will be - glad to do my benevolence, to make atonements and - compremises between you. - SHALLOW. The Council shall hear it; it is a riot. - EVANS. It is not meet the Council hear a riot; there is no - fear of Got in a riot; the Council, look you, shall desire - to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear a riot; take your - vizaments in that. - SHALLOW. Ha! o' my life, if I were young again, the sword - should end it. - EVANS. It is petter that friends is the sword and end it; - and there is also another device in my prain, which - peradventure prings goot discretions with it. There is Anne - Page, which is daughter to Master George Page, which is - pretty virginity. - SLENDER. Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and - speaks small like a woman. - EVANS. It is that fery person for all the orld, as just as you - will desire; and seven hundred pounds of moneys, and - gold, and silver, is her grandsire upon his death's-bed-Got - deliver to a joyful resurrections!-give, when she is able to - overtake seventeen years old. It were a goot motion if we - leave our pribbles and prabbles, and desire a marriage - between Master Abraham and Mistress Anne Page. - SHALLOW. Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred pound? - EVANS. Ay, and her father is make her a petter penny. - SHALLOW. I know the young gentlewoman; she has good - gifts. - EVANS. Seven hundred pounds, and possibilities, is goot gifts. - SHALLOW. Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff - there? - EVANS. Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I do - despise one that is false; or as I despise one that is not - true. The knight Sir John is there; and, I beseech you, be - ruled by your well-willers. I will peat the door for Master - Page. - [Knocks] What, hoa! Got pless your house here! - PAGE. [Within] Who's there? - - Enter PAGE - - EVANS. Here is Got's plessing, and your friend, and Justice - Shallow; and here young Master Slender, that peradventures - shall tell you another tale, if matters grow to your - likings. - PAGE. I am glad to see your worships well. I thank you for - my venison, Master Shallow. - SHALLOW. Master Page, I am glad to see you; much good do - it your good heart! I wish'd your venison better; it was ill - kill'd. How doth good Mistress Page?-and I thank you - always with my heart, la! with my heart. - PAGE. Sir, I thank you. - SHALLOW. Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do. - PAGE. I am glad to see you, good Master Slender. - SLENDER. How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard say - he was outrun on Cotsall. - PAGE. It could not be judg'd, sir. - SLENDER. You'll not confess, you'll not confess. - SHALLOW. That he will not. 'Tis your fault; 'tis your fault; - 'tis a good dog. - PAGE. A cur, sir. - SHALLOW. Sir, he's a good dog, and a fair dog. Can there be - more said? He is good, and fair. Is Sir John Falstaff here? - PAGE. Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a good office - between you. - EVANS. It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak. - SHALLOW. He hath wrong'd me, Master Page. - PAGE. Sir, he doth in some sort confess it. - SHALLOW. If it be confessed, it is not redressed; is not that - so, Master Page? He hath wrong'd me; indeed he hath; at a - word, he hath, believe me; Robert Shallow, esquire, saith - he is wronged. - PAGE. Here comes Sir John. - - Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH, NYM, and PISTOL - - FALSTAFF. Now, Master Shallow, you'll complain of me to - the King? - SHALLOW. Knight, you have beaten my men, kill'd my deer, - and broke open my lodge. - FALSTAFF. But not kiss'd your keeper's daughter. - SHALLOW. Tut, a pin! this shall be answer'd. - FALSTAFF. I will answer it straight: I have done all this. - That is now answer'd. - SHALLOW. The Council shall know this. - FALSTAFF. 'Twere better for you if it were known in counsel: - you'll be laugh'd at. - EVANS. Pauca verba, Sir John; goot worts. - FALSTAFF. Good worts! good cabbage! Slender, I broke your - head; what matter have you against me? - SLENDER. Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you; - and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph, Nym, - and Pistol. They carried me to the tavern, and made me - drunk, and afterwards pick'd my pocket. - BARDOLPH. You Banbury cheese! - SLENDER. Ay, it is no matter. - PISTOL. How now, Mephostophilus! - SLENDER. Ay, it is no matter. - NYM. Slice, I say! pauca, pauca; slice! That's my humour. - SLENDER. Where's Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin? - EVANS. Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand. There is - three umpires in this matter, as I understand: that is, - Master Page, fidelicet Master Page; and there is myself, - fidelicet myself; and the three party is, lastly and - finally, mine host of the Garter. - PAGE. We three to hear it and end it between them. - EVANS. Fery goot. I will make a prief of it in my note-book; - and we will afterwards ork upon the cause with as great - discreetly as we can. - FALSTAFF. Pistol! - PISTOL. He hears with ears. - EVANS. The tevil and his tam! What phrase is this, 'He hears - with ear'? Why, it is affectations. - FALSTAFF. Pistol, did you pick Master Slender's purse? - SLENDER. Ay, by these gloves, did he-or I would I might - never come in mine own great chamber again else!-of - seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward - shovel-boards that cost me two shilling and two pence apiece - of Yead Miller, by these gloves. - FALSTAFF. Is this true, Pistol? - EVANS. No, it is false, if it is a pick-purse. - PISTOL. Ha, thou mountain-foreigner! Sir John and master - mine, - I combat challenge of this latten bilbo. - Word of denial in thy labras here! - Word of denial! Froth and scum, thou liest. - SLENDER. By these gloves, then, 'twas he. - NYM. Be avis'd, sir, and pass good humours; I will say - 'marry trap' with you, if you run the nuthook's humour on - me; that is the very note of it. - SLENDER. By this hat, then, he in the red face had it; for - though I cannot remember what I did when you made me - drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass. - FALSTAFF. What say you, Scarlet and John? - BARDOLPH. Why, sir, for my part, I say the gentleman had - drunk himself out of his five sentences. - EVANS. It is his five senses; fie, what the ignorance is! - BARDOLPH. And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashier'd; - and so conclusions pass'd the careers. - SLENDER. Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but 'tis no matter; - I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again, but in honest, - civil, godly company, for this trick. If I be drunk, I'll be - drunk with those that have the fear of God, and not with - drunken knaves. - EVANS. So Got udge me, that is a virtuous mind. - FALSTAFF. You hear all these matters deni'd, gentlemen; you - hear it. - - Enter MISTRESS ANNE PAGE with wine; MISTRESS - FORD and MISTRESS PAGE, following - - PAGE. Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we'll drink within. - Exit ANNE PAGE - SLENDER. O heaven! this is Mistress Anne Page. - PAGE. How now, Mistress Ford! - FALSTAFF. Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well - met; by your leave, good mistress. [Kisses her] - PAGE. Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have a - hot venison pasty to dinner; come, gentlemen, I hope we - shall drink down all unkindness. - Exeunt all but SHALLOW, SLENDER, and EVANS - SLENDER. I had rather than forty shillings I had my Book of - Songs and Sonnets here. - - Enter SIMPLE - - How, Simple! Where have you been? I must wait on - myself, must I? You have not the Book of Riddles about you, - have you? - SIMPLE. Book of Riddles! Why, did you not lend it to Alice - Shortcake upon Allhallowmas last, a fortnight afore - Michaelmas? - SHALLOW. Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you. A word - with you, coz; marry, this, coz: there is, as 'twere, a - tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh here. Do - you understand me? - SLENDER. Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be so, I - shall do that that is reason. - SHALLOW. Nay, but understand me. - SLENDER. So I do, sir. - EVANS. Give ear to his motions: Master Slender, I will - description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it. - SLENDER. Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says; I pray - you pardon me; he's a justice of peace in his country, - simple though I stand here. - EVANS. But that is not the question. The question is - concerning your marriage. - SHALLOW. Ay, there's the point, sir. - EVANS. Marry is it; the very point of it; to Mistress Anne - Page. - SLENDER. Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any - reasonable demands. - EVANS. But can you affection the oman? Let us command to - know that of your mouth or of your lips; for divers philosophers - hold that the lips is parcel of the mouth. Therefore, - precisely, can you carry your good will to the maid? - SHALLOW. Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her? - SLENDER. I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one that - would do reason. - EVANS. Nay, Got's lords and his ladies! you must speak possitable, - if you can carry her your desires towards her. - SHALLOW. That you must. Will you, upon good dowry, - marry her? - SLENDER. I will do a greater thing than that upon your request, - cousin, in any reason. - SHALLOW. Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz; what - I do is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the maid? - SLENDER. I will marry her, sir, at your request; but if there - be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven may decrease - it upon better acquaintance, when we are married and - have more occasion to know one another. I hope upon - familiarity will grow more contempt. But if you say - 'marry her,' I will marry her; that I am freely dissolved, - and dissolutely. - EVANS. It is a fery discretion answer, save the fall is in the - ord 'dissolutely': the ort is, according to our meaning, - 'resolutely'; his meaning is good. - SHALLOW. Ay, I think my cousin meant well. - SLENDER. Ay, or else I would I might be hang'd, la! - - Re-enter ANNE PAGE - - SHALLOW. Here comes fair Mistress Anne. Would I were - young for your sake, Mistress Anne! - ANNE. The dinner is on the table; my father desires your - worships' company. - SHALLOW. I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne! - EVANS. Od's plessed will! I will not be absence at the grace. - Exeunt SHALLOW and EVANS - ANNE. Will't please your worship to come in, sir? - SLENDER. No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very - well. - ANNE. The dinner attends you, sir. - SLENDER. I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. Go, - sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon my cousin - Shallow. [Exit SIMPLE] A justice of peace sometime may - be beholding to his friend for a man. I keep but three men - and a boy yet, till my mother be dead. But what though? - Yet I live like a poor gentleman born. - ANNE. I may not go in without your worship; they will not - sit till you come. - SLENDER. I' faith, I'll eat nothing; I thank you as much as - though I did. - ANNE. I pray you, sir, walk in. - SLENDER. I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruis'd my - shin th' other day with playing at sword and dagger with - a master of fence-three veneys for a dish of stew'd prunes - -and, I with my ward defending my head, he hot my shin, - and, by my troth, I cannot abide the smell of hot meat - since. Why do your dogs bark so? Be there bears i' th' - town? - ANNE. I think there are, sir; I heard them talk'd of. - SLENDER. I love the sport well; but I shall as soon quarrel at - it as any man in England. You are afraid, if you see the - bear loose, are you not? - ANNE. Ay, indeed, sir. - SLENDER. That's meat and drink to me now. I have seen - Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken him by the - chain; but I warrant you, the women have so cried and - shriek'd at it that it pass'd; but women, indeed, cannot - abide 'em; they are very ill-favour'd rough things. - - Re-enter PAGE - - PAGE. Come, gentle Master Slender, come; we stay for you. - SLENDER. I'll eat nothing, I thank you, sir. - PAGE. By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! Come, - come. - SLENDER. Nay, pray you lead the way. - PAGE. Come on, sir. - SLENDER. Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first. - ANNE. Not I, sir; pray you keep on. - SLENDER. Truly, I will not go first; truly, la! I will not do - you that wrong. - ANNE. I pray you, sir. - SLENDER. I'll rather be unmannerly than troublesome. You - do yourself wrong indeed, la! Exeunt - -SCENE 2. - -Before PAGE'S house - -Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE - - EVANS. Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius' house which - is the way; and there dwells one Mistress Quickly, which - is in the manner of his nurse, or his dry nurse, or his cook, - or his laundry, his washer, and his wringer. - SIMPLE. Well, sir. - EVANS. Nay, it is petter yet. Give her this letter; for it is a - oman that altogether's acquaintance with Mistress Anne - Page; and the letter is to desire and require her to solicit - your master's desires to Mistress Anne Page. I pray you - be gone. I will make an end of my dinner; there's pippins - and cheese to come. Exeunt - -SCENE 3. - -The Garter Inn - -Enter FALSTAFF, HOST, BARDOLPH, NYM, PISTOL, and ROBIN - - FALSTAFF. Mine host of the Garter! - HOST. What says my bully rook? Speak scholarly and - wisely. - FALSTAFF. Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my - followers. - HOST. Discard, bully Hercules; cashier; let them wag; trot, - trot. - FALSTAFF. I sit at ten pounds a week. - HOST. Thou'rt an emperor-Caesar, Keiser, and Pheazar. I - will entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall tap; said I - well, bully Hector? - FALSTAFF. Do so, good mine host. - HOST. I have spoke; let him follow. [To BARDOLPH] Let me - see thee froth and lime. I am at a word; follow. Exit HOST - FALSTAFF. Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade; - an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a wither'd serving-man a - fresh tapster. Go; adieu. - BARDOLPH. It is a life that I have desir'd; I will thrive. - PISTOL. O base Hungarian wight! Wilt thou the spigot - wield? Exit BARDOLPH - NYM. He was gotten in drink. Is not the humour conceited? - FALSTAFF. I am glad I am so acquit of this tinder-box: his - thefts were too open; his filching was like an unskilful - singer-he kept not time. - NYM. The good humour is to steal at a minute's rest. - PISTOL. 'Convey' the wise it call. 'Steal' foh! A fico for the - phrase! - FALSTAFF. Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels. - PISTOL. Why, then, let kibes ensue. - FALSTAFF. There is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must - shift. - PISTOL. Young ravens must have food. - FALSTAFF. Which of you know Ford of this town? - PISTOL. I ken the wight; he is of substance good. - FALSTAFF. My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about. - PISTOL. Two yards, and more. - FALSTAFF. No quips now, Pistol. Indeed, I am in the waist - two yards about; but I am now about no waste; I am about - thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford's wife; I - spy entertainment in her; she discourses, she carves, she - gives the leer of invitation; I can construe the action of her - familiar style; and the hardest voice of her behaviour, to be - English'd rightly, is 'I am Sir John Falstaff's.' - PISTOL. He hath studied her well, and translated her will out - of honesty into English. - NYM. The anchor is deep; will that humour pass? - FALSTAFF. Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her - husband's purse; he hath a legion of angels. - PISTOL. As many devils entertain; and 'To her, boy,' say I. - NYM. The humour rises; it is good; humour me the angels. - FALSTAFF. I have writ me here a letter to her; and here - another to Page's wife, who even now gave me good eyes - too, examin'd my parts with most judicious oeillades; - sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes my - portly belly. - PISTOL. Then did the sun on dunghill shine. - NYM. I thank thee for that humour. - FALSTAFF. O, she did so course o'er my exteriors with such - a greedy intention that the appetite of her eye did seem to - scorch me up like a burning-glass! Here's another letter to - her. She bears the purse too; she is a region in Guiana, all - gold and bounty. I will be cheaters to them both, and they - shall be exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West - Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go, bear thou this - letter to Mistress Page; and thou this to Mistress Ford. We - will thrive, lads, we will thrive. - PISTOL. Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become, - And by my side wear steel? Then Lucifer take all! - NYM. I will run no base humour. Here, take the - humour-letter; I will keep the haviour of reputation. - FALSTAFF. [To ROBIN] Hold, sirrah; bear you these letters - tightly; - Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores. - Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go; - Trudge, plod away i' th' hoof; seek shelter, pack! - Falstaff will learn the humour of the age; - French thrift, you rogues; myself, and skirted page. - Exeunt FALSTAFF and ROBIN - PISTOL. Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam - holds, - And high and low beguiles the rich and poor; - Tester I'll have in pouch when thou shalt lack, - Base Phrygian Turk! - NYM. I have operations in my head which be humours of - revenge. - PISTOL. Wilt thou revenge? - NYM. By welkin and her star! - PISTOL. With wit or steel? - NYM. With both the humours, I. - I will discuss the humour of this love to Page. - PISTOL. And I to Ford shall eke unfold - How Falstaff, varlet vile, - His dove will prove, his gold will hold, - And his soft couch defile. - NYM. My humour shall not cool; I will incense Page to deal - with poison; I will possess him with yellowness; for the - revolt of mine is dangerous. That is my true humour. - PISTOL. Thou art the Mars of malcontents; I second thee; - troop on. Exeunt - -SCENE 4. - -DOCTOR CAIUS'S house - -Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY, SIMPLE, and RUGBY - - QUICKLY. What, John Rugby! I pray thee go to the casement - and see if you can see my master, Master Doctor - Caius, coming. If he do, i' faith, and find anybody in the - house, here will be an old abusing of God's patience and - the King's English. - RUGBY. I'll go watch. - QUICKLY. Go; and we'll have a posset for't soon at night, in - faith, at the latter end of a sea-coal fire. [Exit RUGBY] An - honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant shall come in - house withal; and, I warrant you, no tell-tale nor no - breed-bate; his worst fault is that he is given to prayer; he is - something peevish that way; but nobody but has his fault; - but let that pass. Peter Simple you say your name is? - SIMPLE. Ay, for fault of a better. - QUICKLY. And Master Slender's your master? - SIMPLE. Ay, forsooth. - QUICKLY. Does he not wear a great round beard, like a - glover's paring-knife? - SIMPLE. No, forsooth; he hath but a little whey face, with a - little yellow beard, a Cain-colour'd beard. - QUICKLY. A softly-sprighted man, is he not? - SIMPLE. Ay, forsooth; but he is as tall a man of his hands as - any is between this and his head; he hath fought with a - warrener. - QUICKLY. How say you? O, I should remember him. Does - he not hold up his head, as it were, and strut in his gait? - SIMPLE. Yes, indeed, does he. - QUICKLY. Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune! - Tell Master Parson Evans I will do what I can for your - master. Anne is a good girl, and I wish- - - Re-enter RUGBY - - RUGBY. Out, alas! here comes my master. - QUICKLY. We shall all be shent. Run in here, good young - man; go into this closet. [Shuts SIMPLE in the closet] He - will not stay long. What, John Rugby! John! what, John, - I say! Go, John, go inquire for my master; I doubt he be - not well that he comes not home. [Singing] - And down, down, adown-a, etc. - - Enter DOCTOR CAIUS - - CAIUS. Vat is you sing? I do not like des toys. Pray you, go - and vetch me in my closet un boitier vert-a box, a green-a - box. Do intend vat I speak? A green-a box. - QUICKLY. Ay, forsooth, I'll fetch it you. [Aside] I am glad - he went not in himself; if he had found the young man, - he would have been horn-mad. - CAIUS. Fe, fe, fe fe! ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Je m'en vais a - la cour-la grande affaire. - QUICKLY. Is it this, sir? - CAIUS. Oui; mette le au mon pocket: depeche, quickly. Vere - is dat knave, Rugby? - QUICKLY. What, John Rugby? John! - RUGBY. Here, sir. - CAIUS. You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby. - Come, take-a your rapier, and come after my heel to the - court. - RUGBY. 'Tis ready, sir, here in the porch. - CAIUS. By my trot, I tarry too long. Od's me! Qu'ai j'oublie? - Dere is some simples in my closet dat I vill not for the - varld I shall leave behind. - QUICKLY. Ay me, he'll find the young man there, and be - mad! - CAIUS. O diable, diable! vat is in my closet? Villainy! larron! - [Pulling SIMPLE out] Rugby, my rapier! - QUICKLY. Good master, be content. - CAIUS. Wherefore shall I be content-a? - QUICKLY. The young man is an honest man. - CAIUS. What shall de honest man do in my closet? Dere is - no honest man dat shall come in my closet. - QUICKLY. I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic; hear the - truth of it. He came of an errand to me from Parson Hugh. - CAIUS. Vell? - SIMPLE. Ay, forsooth, to desire her to- - QUICKLY. Peace, I pray you. - CAIUS. Peace-a your tongue. Speak-a your tale. - SIMPLE. To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid, to - speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page for my master, - in the way of marriage. - QUICKLY. This is all, indeed, la! but I'll ne'er put my finger - in the fire, and need not. - CAIUS. Sir Hugh send-a you? Rugby, baillez me some paper. - Tarry you a little-a-while. [Writes] - QUICKLY. [Aside to SIMPLE] I am glad he is so quiet; if he - had been throughly moved, you should have heard him - so loud and so melancholy. But notwithstanding, man, I'll - do you your master what good I can; and the very yea and - the no is, the French doctor, my master-I may call him - my master, look you, for I keep his house; and I wash, - wring, brew, bake, scour, dress meat and drink, make the - beds, and do all myself- - SIMPLE. [Aside to QUICKLY] 'Tis a great charge to come - under one body's hand. - QUICKLY. [Aside to SIMPLE] Are you avis'd o' that? You - shall find it a great charge; and to be up early and down - late; but notwithstanding-to tell you in your ear, I would - have no words of it-my master himself is in love with - Mistress Anne Page; but notwithstanding that, I know - Anne's mind-that's neither here nor there. - CAIUS. You jack'nape; give-a this letter to Sir Hugh; by gar, - it is a shallenge; I will cut his troat in de park; and I will - teach a scurvy jack-a-nape priest to meddle or make. You - may be gone; it is not good you tarry here. By gar, I will - cut all his two stones; by gar, he shall not have a stone - to throw at his dog. Exit SIMPLE - QUICKLY. Alas, he speaks but for his friend. - CAIUS. It is no matter-a ver dat. Do not you tell-a me dat I - shall have Anne Page for myself? By gar, I vill kill de Jack - priest; and I have appointed mine host of de Jarteer to - measure our weapon. By gar, I will myself have Anne - Page. - QUICKLY. Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well. We - must give folks leave to prate. What the good-year! - CAIUS. Rugby, come to the court with me. By gar, if I have - not Anne Page, I shall turn your head out of my door. - Follow my heels, Rugby. Exeunt CAIUS and RUGBY - QUICKLY. You shall have-An fool's-head of your own. No, - I know Anne's mind for that; never a woman in Windsor - knows more of Anne's mind than I do; nor can do more - than I do with her, I thank heaven. - FENTON. [Within] Who's within there? ho! - QUICKLY. Who's there, I trow? Come near the house, I pray - you. - - Enter FENTON - - FENTON. How now, good woman, how dost thou? - QUICKLY. The better that it pleases your good worship to - ask. - FENTON. What news? How does pretty Mistress Anne? - QUICKLY. In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest, and - gentle; and one that is your friend, I can tell you that by - the way; I praise heaven for it. - FENTON. Shall I do any good, think'st thou? Shall I not lose - my suit? - QUICKLY. Troth, sir, all is in His hands above; but - notwithstanding, Master Fenton, I'll be sworn on a book - she loves you. Have not your worship a wart above your eye? - FENTON. Yes, marry, have I; what of that? - QUICKLY. Well, thereby hangs a tale; good faith, it is such - another Nan; but, I detest, an honest maid as ever broke - bread. We had an hour's talk of that wart; I shall never - laugh but in that maid's company! But, indeed, she is - given too much to allicholy and musing; but for you-well, - go to. - FENTON. Well, I shall see her to-day. Hold, there's money - for thee; let me have thy voice in my behalf. If thou seest - her before me, commend me. - QUICKLY. Will I? I' faith, that we will; and I will tell your - worship more of the wart the next time we have confidence; - and of other wooers. - FENTON. Well, farewell; I am in great haste now. - QUICKLY. Farewell to your worship. [Exit FENTON] Truly, - an honest gentleman; but Anne loves him not; for I know - Anne's mind as well as another does. Out upon 't, what - have I forgot? Exit - -ACT II. SCENE 1. - -Before PAGE'S house - -Enter MISTRESS PAGE, with a letter - - MRS. PAGE. What! have I scap'd love-letters in the holiday-time - of my beauty, and am I now a subject for them? Let - me see. [Reads] - 'Ask me no reason why I love you; for though Love use - Reason for his precisian, he admits him not for his counsellor. - You are not young, no more am I; go to, then, there's - sympathy. You are merry, so am I; ha! ha! then there's - more sympathy. You love sack, and so do I; would you - desire better sympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mistress Page - at the least, if the love of soldier can suffice-that I love - thee. I will not say, Pity me: 'tis not a soldier-like phrase; - but I say, Love me. By me, - Thine own true knight, - By day or night, - Or any kind of light, - With all his might, - For thee to fight, - JOHN FALSTAFF.' - What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wicked, wicked world! - One that is well-nigh worn to pieces with age to show - himself a young gallant! What an unweighed behaviour - hath this Flemish drunkard pick'd-with the devil's name! - -out of my conversation, that he dares in this manner - assay me? Why, he hath not been thrice in my company! - What should I say to him? I was then frugal of my mirth. - Heaven forgive me! Why, I'll exhibit a bill in the parliament - for the putting down of men. How shall I be - reveng'd on him? for reveng'd I will be, as sure as his guts - are made of puddings. - - Enter MISTRESS FORD - - MRS. FORD. Mistress Page! trust me, I was going to your - house. - MRS. PAGE. And, trust me, I was coming to you. You look - very ill. - MRS. FORD. Nay, I'll ne'er believe that; I have to show to - the contrary. - MRS. PAGE. Faith, but you do, in my mind. - MRS. FORD. Well, I do, then; yet, I say, I could show you to - the contrary. O Mistress Page, give me some counsel. - MRS. PAGE. What's the matter, woman? - MRS. FORD. O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect, - I could come to such honour! - MRS. PAGE. Hang the trifle, woman; take the honour. What - is it? Dispense with trifles; what is it? - MRS. FORD. If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment - or so, I could be knighted. - MRS. PAGE. What? Thou liest. Sir Alice Ford! These knights - will hack; and so thou shouldst not alter the article of thy - gentry. - MRS. FORD. We burn daylight. Here, read, read; perceive - how I might be knighted. I shall think the worse of fat - men as long as I have an eye to make difference of men's - liking. And yet he would not swear; prais'd women's - modesty, and gave such orderly and well-behaved reproof - to all uncomeliness that I would have sworn his disposition - would have gone to the truth of his words; but they do no - more adhere and keep place together than the Hundredth - Psalm to the tune of 'Greensleeves.' What tempest, I trow, - threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in his belly, - ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revenged on him? I - think the best way were to entertain him with hope, till - the wicked fire of lust have melted him in his own grease. - Did you ever hear the like? - MRS. PAGE. Letter for letter, but that the name of Page and - Ford differs. To thy great comfort in this mystery of ill - opinions, here's the twin-brother of thy letter; but let thine - inherit first, for, I protest, mine never shall. I warrant he - hath a thousand of these letters, writ with blank space for - different names-sure, more!-and these are of the second - edition. He will print them, out of doubt; for he cares not - what he puts into the press when he would put us two. I - had rather be a giantess and lie under Mount Pelion. Well, - I will find you twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste - man. - MRS. FORD. Why, this is the very same; the very hand, the - very words. What doth he think of us? - MRS. PAGE. Nay, I know not; it makes me almost ready to - wrangle with mine own honesty. I'll entertain myself like - one that I am not acquainted withal; for, sure, unless he - know some strain in me that I know not myself, he would - never have boarded me in this fury. - MRS. FORD. 'Boarding' call you it? I'll be sure to keep him - above deck. - MRS. PAGE. So will I; if he come under my hatches, I'll never - to sea again. Let's be reveng'd on him; let's appoint him a - meeting, give him a show of comfort in his suit, and lead - him on with a fine-baited delay, till he hath pawn'd his - horses to mine host of the Garter. - MRS. FORD. Nay, I will consent to act any villainy against - him that may not sully the chariness of our honesty. O - that my husband saw this letter! It would give eternal food - to his jealousy. - MRS. PAGE. Why, look where he comes; and my good man - too; he's as far from jealousy as I am from giving him - cause; and that, I hope, is an unmeasurable distance. - MRS. FORD. You are the happier woman. - MRS. PAGE. Let's consult together against this greasy knight. - Come hither. [They retire] - - Enter FORD with PISTOL, and PAGE with Nym - - FORD. Well, I hope it be not so. - PISTOL. Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs. - Sir John affects thy wife. - FORD. Why, sir, my wife is not young. - PISTOL. He woos both high and low, both rich and poor, - Both young and old, one with another, Ford; - He loves the gallimaufry. Ford, perpend. - FORD. Love my wife! - PISTOL. With liver burning hot. Prevent, or go thou, - Like Sir Actaeon he, with Ringwood at thy heels. - O, odious is the name! - FORD. What name, sir? - PISTOL. The horn, I say. Farewell. - Take heed, have open eye, for thieves do foot by night; - Take heed, ere summer comes, or cuckoo birds do sing. - Away, Sir Corporal Nym. - Believe it, Page; he speaks sense. Exit PISTOL - FORD. [Aside] I will be patient; I will find out this. - NYM. [To PAGE] And this is true; I like not the humour of - lying. He hath wronged me in some humours; I should - have borne the humour'd letter to her; but I have a sword, - and it shall bite upon my necessity. He loves your wife; - there's the short and the long. - My name is Corporal Nym; I speak, and I avouch; - 'Tis true. My name is Nym, and Falstaff loves your wife. - Adieu! I love not the humour of bread and cheese; and - there's the humour of it. Adieu. Exit Nym - PAGE. 'The humour of it,' quoth 'a! Here's a fellow frights - English out of his wits. - FORD. I will seek out Falstaff. - PAGE. I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue. - FORD. If I do find it-well. - PAGE. I will not believe such a Cataian though the priest o' - th' town commended him for a true man. - FORD. 'Twas a good sensible fellow. Well. - - MISTRESS PAGE and MISTRESS FORD come forward - - PAGE. How now, Meg! - MRS. PAGE. Whither go you, George? Hark you. - MRS. FORD. How now, sweet Frank, why art thou melancholy? - FORD. I melancholy! I am not melancholy. Get you home; - go. - MRS. FORD. Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head now. - Will you go, Mistress Page? - - Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY - - MRS. PAGE. Have with you. You'll come to dinner, George? - [Aside to MRS. FORD] Look who comes yonder; she shall - be our messenger to this paltry knight. - MRS. FORD. [Aside to MRS. PAGE] Trust me, I thought on - her; she'll fit it. - MRS. PAGE. You are come to see my daughter Anne? - QUICKLY. Ay, forsooth; and, I pray, how does good Mistress Anne? - MRS. PAGE. Go in with us and see; we have an hour's talk - with you. Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and - MISTRESS QUICKLY - PAGE. How now, Master Ford! - FORD. You heard what this knave told me, did you not? - PAGE. Yes; and you heard what the other told me? - FORD. Do you think there is truth in them? - PAGE. Hang 'em, slaves! I do not think the knight would offer it; - but these that accuse him in his intent towards our - wives are a yoke of his discarded men; very rogues, now - they be out of service. - FORD. Were they his men? - PAGE. Marry, were they. - FORD. I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at the - Garter? - PAGE. Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage - toward my wife, I would turn her loose to him; and what - he gets more of her than sharp words, let it lie on my head. - FORD. I do not misdoubt my wife; but I would be loath to - turn them together. A man may be too confident. I would - have nothing lie on my head. I cannot be thus satisfied. - - Enter HOST - - PAGE. Look where my ranting host of the Garter comes. - There is either liquor in his pate or money in his purse - when he looks so merrily. How now, mine host! - HOST. How now, bully rook! Thou'rt a gentleman. [To - SHALLOW following] Cavaleiro Justice, I say. - - Enter SHALLOW - - SHALLOW. I follow, mine host, I follow. Good even and - twenty, good Master Page! Master Page, will you go with - us? We have sport in hand. - HOST. Tell him, Cavaleiro Justice; tell him, bully rook. - SHALLOW. Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hugh - the Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor. - FORD. Good mine host o' th' Garter, a word with you. - HOST. What say'st thou, my bully rook? [They go aside] - SHALLOW. [To PAGE] Will you go with us to behold it? My - merry host hath had the measuring of their weapons; and, - I think, hath appointed them contrary places; for, believe - me, I hear the parson is no jester. Hark, I will tell you - what our sport shall be. [They converse apart] - HOST. Hast thou no suit against my knight, my guest-cavaleiro. - FORD. None, I protest; but I'll give you a pottle of burnt - sack to give me recourse to him, and tell him my name is - Brook-only for a jest. - HOST. My hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and regress- - said I well?-and thy name shall be Brook. It is a merry - knight. Will you go, Mynheers? - SHALLOW. Have with you, mine host. - PAGE. I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in his - rapier. - SHALLOW. Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these - times you stand on distance, your passes, stoccadoes, and - I know not what. 'Tis the heart, Master Page; 'tis here, - 'tis here. I have seen the time with my long sword I would - have made you four tall fellows skip like rats. - HOST. Here, boys, here, here! Shall we wag? - PAGE. Have with you. I had rather hear them scold than - fight. Exeunt all but FORD - FORD. Though Page be a secure fool, and stands so firmly on - his wife's frailty, yet I cannot put off my opinion so - easily. She was in his company at Page's house, and what - they made there I know not. Well, I will look further into - 't, and I have a disguise to sound Falstaff. If I find her - honest, I lose not my labour; if she be otherwise, 'tis labour - well bestowed. Exit - -SCENE 2. - -A room in the Garter Inn - -Enter FALSTAFF and PISTOL - - FALSTAFF. I will not lend thee a penny. - PISTOL. I will retort the sum in equipage. - FALSTAFF. Not a penny. - PISTOL. Why, then the world's mine oyster. Which I with - sword will open. - FALSTAFF. Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should - lay my countenance to pawn. I have grated upon my good - friends for three reprieves for you and your coach-fellow, - Nym; or else you had look'd through the grate, like a - geminy of baboons. I am damn'd in hell for swearing to - gentlemen my friends you were good soldiers and tall fellows; - and when Mistress Bridget lost the handle of her fan, - I took 't upon mine honour thou hadst it not. - PISTOL. Didst not thou share? Hadst thou not fifteen pence? - FALSTAFF. Reason, you rogue, reason. Think'st thou I'll - endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more about me, - I am no gibbet for you. Go-a short knife and a throng!- - to your manor of Pickt-hatch; go. You'll not bear a letter - for me, you rogue! You stand upon your honour! Why, - thou unconfinable baseness, it is as much as I can do to - keep the terms of my honour precise. I, I, I myself - sometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left hand, and hiding - mine honour in my necessity, am fain to shuffle, to hedge, - and to lurch; and yet you, rogue, will ensconce your rags, - your cat-a-mountain looks, your red-lattice phrases, and - your bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your honour! - You will not do it, you! - PISTOL. I do relent; what would thou more of man? - - Enter ROBIN - - ROBIN. Sir, here's a woman would speak with you. - FALSTAFF. Let her approach. - - Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY - - QUICKLY. Give your worship good morrow. - FALSTAFF. Good morrow, good wife. - QUICKLY. Not so, an't please your worship. - FALSTAFF. Good maid, then. - QUICKLY. I'll be sworn; - As my mother was, the first hour I was born. - FALSTAFF. I do believe the swearer. What with me? - QUICKLY. Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two? - FALSTAFF. Two thousand, fair woman; and I'll vouchsafe - thee the hearing. - QUICKLY. There is one Mistress Ford, sir-I pray, come a little - nearer this ways. I myself dwell with Master Doctor - Caius. - FALSTAFF. Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say- - QUICKLY. Your worship says very true. I pray your worship - come a little nearer this ways. - FALSTAFF. I warrant thee nobody hears-mine own people, - mine own people. - QUICKLY. Are they so? God bless them, and make them his - servants! - FALSTAFF. Well; Mistress Ford, what of her? - QUICKLY. Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord, Lord, your - worship's a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you, and all of - us, I pray. - FALSTAFF. Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford- - QUICKLY. Marry, this is the short and the long of it: you - have brought her into such a canaries as 'tis wonderful. - The best courtier of them all, when the court lay at Windsor, - could never have brought her to such a canary. Yet - there has been knights, and lords, and gentlemen, with - their coaches; I warrant you, coach after coach, letter after - letter, gift after gift; smelling so sweetly, all musk, and so - rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in such alligant - terms; and in such wine and sugar of the best and the - fairest, that would have won any woman's heart; and I - warrant you, they could never get an eye-wink of her. - I had myself twenty angels given me this morning; but I - defy all angels, in any such sort, as they say, but in the - way of honesty; and, I warrant you, they could never get - her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of them all; - and yet there has been earls, nay, which is more, - pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one with her. - FALSTAFF. But what says she to me? Be brief, my good she- - Mercury. - QUICKLY. Marry, she hath receiv'd your letter; for the - which she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives you - to notify that her husband will be absence from his house - between ten and eleven. - FALSTAFF. Ten and eleven? - QUICKLY. Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see - the picture, she says, that you wot of. Master Ford, her - husband, will be from home. Alas, the sweet woman leads - an ill life with him! He's a very jealousy man; she leads a - very frampold life with him, good heart. - FALSTAFF. Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I - will not fail her. - QUICKLY. Why, you say well. But I have another messenger - to your worship. Mistress Page hath her hearty commendations - to you too; and let me tell you in your ear, she's as - fartuous a civil modest wife, and one, I tell you, that will - not miss you morning nor evening prayer, as any is in - Windsor, whoe'er be the other; and she bade me tell your - worship that her husband is seldom from home, but she - hopes there will come a time. I never knew a woman so - dote upon a man: surely I think you have charms, la! Yes, - in truth. - FALSTAFF. Not I, I assure thee; setting the attraction of my - good parts aside, I have no other charms. - QUICKLY. Blessing on your heart for 't! - FALSTAFF. But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's wife and - Page's wife acquainted each other how they love me? - QUICKLY. That were a jest indeed! They have not so little - grace, I hope-that were a trick indeed! But Mistress Page - would desire you to send her your little page of all loves. - Her husband has a marvellous infection to the little page; - and truly Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in - Windsor leads a better life than she does; do what she will, - say what she will, take all, pay all, go to bed when she - list, rise when she list, all is as she will; and truly she - deserves it; for if there be a kind woman in Windsor, she - is one. You must send her your page; no remedy. - FALSTAFF. Why, I will. - QUICKLY. Nay, but do so then; and, look you, he may come - and go between you both; and in any case have a - nay-word, that you may know one another's mind, and the boy - never need to understand any thing; for 'tis not good that - children should know any wickedness. Old folks, you - know, have discretion, as they say, and know the world. - FALSTAFF. Fare thee well; commend me to them both. - There's my purse; I am yet thy debtor. Boy, go along with - this woman. [Exeunt QUICKLY and ROBIN] This news - distracts me. - PISTOL. [Aside] This punk is one of Cupid's carriers; - Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights; - Give fire; she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all! Exit - FALSTAFF. Say'st thou so, old Jack; go thy ways; I'll make - more of thy old body than I have done. Will they yet look - after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense of so much money, - be now a gainer? Good body, I thank thee. Let them say - 'tis grossly done; so it be fairly done, no matter. - - Enter BARDOLPH - - BARDOLPH. Sir John, there's one Master Brook below would - fain speak with you, and be acquainted with you; and hath - sent your worship a moming's draught of sack. - FALSTAFF. Brook is his name? - BARDOLPH. Ay, sir. - FALSTAFF. Call him in. [Exit BARDOLPH] Such Brooks are - welcome to me, that o'erflows such liquor. Ah, ha! Mistress - Ford and Mistress Page, have I encompass'd you? Go to; - via! - - Re-enter BARDOLPH, with FORD disguised - - FORD. Bless you, sir! FALSTAFF. And you, sir! Would you speak with - me? FORD. I make bold to press with so little preparation upon you. - FALSTAFF. You're welcome. What's your will? Give us leave, drawer. - Exit BARDOLPH FORD. Sir, I am a - gentleman that have spent much; my name is Brook. FALSTAFF. Good - Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you. FORD. Good Sir John, - I sue for yours-not to charge you; for I must let you understand I - think myself in better plight for a lender than you are; the which - hath something embold'ned me to this unseason'd intrusion; for they - say, if money go before, all ways do lie open. FALSTAFF. Money is a - good soldier, sir, and will on. FORD. Troth, and I have a bag of - money here troubles me; if you will help to bear it, Sir John, take - all, or half, for easing me of the carriage. FALSTAFF. Sir, I know - not how I may deserve to be your porter. FORD. I will tell you, sir, - if you will give me the hearing. FALSTAFF. Speak, good Master Brook; - I shall be glad to be your servant. FORD. Sir, I hear you are a - scholar-I will be brief with you -and you have been a man long known - to me, though I had never so good means as desire to make myself - acquainted with you. I shall discover a thing to you, wherein I must - very much lay open mine own imperfection; but, good Sir John, as you - have one eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded, turn another - into the register of your own, that I may pass with a reproof the - easier, sith you yourself know how easy is it to be such an offender. - FALSTAFF. Very well, sir; proceed. FORD. There is a gentlewoman in - this town, her husband's name is Ford. FALSTAFF. Well, sir. FORD. I - have long lov'd her, and, I protest to you, bestowed much on her; - followed her with a doting observance; engross'd opportunities to - meet her; fee'd every slight occasion that could but niggardly give - me sight of her; not only bought many presents to give her, but have - given largely to many to know what she would have given; briefly, I - have pursu'd her as love hath pursued me; which hath been on the wing - of all occasions. But whatsoever I have merited, either in my mind or - in my means, meed, I am sure, I have received none, unless experience - be a jewel; that I have purchased at an infinite rate, and that hath - taught me to say this: 'Love like a shadow flies when substance love - pursues; Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.' - FALSTAFF. Have you receiv'd no promise of satisfaction at her hands? - FORD. Never. FALSTAFF. Have you importun'd her to such a purpose? - FORD. Never. FALSTAFF. Of what quality was your love, then? FORD. - Like a fair house built on another man's ground; so that I have lost - my edifice by mistaking the place where erected it. FALSTAFF. To what - purpose have you unfolded this to me? FORD. When I have told you - that, I have told you all. Some say that though she appear honest to - me, yet in other places she enlargeth her mirth so far that there is - shrewd construction made of her. Now, Sir John, here is the heart of - my purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable - discourse, of great admittance, authentic in your place and person, - generally allow'd for your many war-like, courtlike, and learned - preparations. FALSTAFF. O, sir! FORD. Believe it, for you know it. - There is money; spend it, spend it; spend more; spend all I have; - only give me so much of your time in exchange of it as to lay an - amiable siege to the honesty of this Ford's wife; use your art of - wooing, win her to consent to you; if any man may, you may as soon as - any. FALSTAFF. Would it apply well to the vehemency of your - affection, that I should win what you would enjoy? Methinks you - prescribe to yourself very preposterously. FORD. O, understand my - drift. She dwells so securely on the excellency of her honour that - the folly of my soul dares not present itself; she is too bright to - be look'd against. Now, could I come to her with any detection in my - hand, my desires had instance and argument to commend themselves; I - could drive her then from the ward of her purity, her reputation, her - marriage vow, and a thousand other her defences, which now are too - too strongly embattl'd against me. What say you to't, Sir John? - FALSTAFF. Master Brook, I will first make bold with your money; next, - give me your hand; and last, as I am a gentleman, you shall, if you - will, enjoy Ford's wife. FORD. O good sir! FALSTAFF. I say you shall. - FORD. Want no money, Sir John; you shall want none. FALSTAFF. Want no - Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall want none. I shall be with - her, I may tell you, by her own appointment; even as you came in to - me her assistant, or go-between, parted from me; I say I shall be - with her between ten and eleven; for at that time the jealous - rascally knave, her husband, will be forth. Come you to me at night; - you shall know how I speed. FORD. I am blest in your acquaintance. Do - you know Ford, Sir? FALSTAFF. Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know - him not; yet I wrong him to call him poor; they say the jealous - wittolly knave hath masses of money; for the which his wife seems to - me well-favour'd. I will use her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue's - coffer; and there's my harvest-home. FORD. I would you knew Ford, - sir, that you might avoid him if you saw him. FALSTAFF. Hang him, - mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will stare him out of his wits; I - will awe him with my cudgel; it shall hang like a meteor o'er the - cuckold's horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know I will predominate - over the peasant, and thou shalt lie with his wife. Come to me soon - at night. Ford's a knave, and I will aggravate his style; thou, - Master Brook, shalt know him for knave and cuckold. Come to me soon - at night. Exit FORD. What a damn'd - Epicurean rascal is this! My heart is ready to crack with impatience. - Who says this is improvident jealousy? My wife hath sent to him; the - hour is fix'd; the match is made. Would any man have thought this? - See the hell of having a false woman! My bed shall be abus'd, my - coffers ransack'd, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not only - receive this villainous wrong, but stand under the adoption of - abominable terms, and by him that does me this wrong. Terms! names! - Amaimon sounds well; Lucifer, well; Barbason, well; yet they are - devils' additions, the names of fiends. But cuckold! Wittol! Cuckold! - the devil himself hath not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass; - he will trust his wife; he will not be jealous; I will rather trust a - Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman with my cheese, an - Irishman with my aqua-vitae bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling - gelding, than my wife with herself. Then she plots, then she - ruminates, then she devises; and what they think in their hearts they - may effect, they will break their hearts but they will effect. God be - prais'd for my jealousy! Eleven o'clock the hour. I will prevent - this, detect my wife, be reveng'd on Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I - will about it; better three hours too soon than a minute too late. - Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold! Exit - -SCENE 3. - -A field near Windsor - -Enter CAIUS and RUGBY - - CAIUS. Jack Rugby! - RUGBY. Sir? - CAIUS. Vat is de clock, Jack? - RUGBY. 'Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promis'd to - meet. - CAIUS. By gar, he has save his soul dat he is no come; he has - pray his Pible well dat he is no come; by gar, Jack Rugby, - he is dead already, if he be come. - RUGBY. He is wise, sir; he knew your worship would kill - him if he came. - CAIUS. By gar, de herring is no dead so as I vill kill him. Take - your rapier, Jack; I vill tell you how I vill kill him. - RUGBY. Alas, sir, I cannot fence! - CAIUS. Villainy, take your rapier. - RUGBY. Forbear; here's company. - - Enter HOST, SHALLOW, SLENDER, and PAGE - - HOST. Bless thee, bully doctor! - SHALLOW. Save you, Master Doctor Caius! - PAGE. Now, good Master Doctor! - SLENDER. Give you good morrow, sir. - CAIUS. Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for? - HOST. To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see thee traverse; - to see thee here, to see thee there; to see thee pass thy - punto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy distance, thy montant. - Is he dead, my Ethiopian? Is he dead, my Francisco? Ha, - bully! What says my Aesculapius? my Galen? my heart - of elder? Ha! is he dead, bully stale? Is he dead? - CAIUS. By gar, he is de coward Jack priest of de world; he is - not show his face. - HOST. Thou art a Castalion-King-Urinal. Hector of Greece, - my boy! - CAIUS. I pray you, bear witness that me have stay six or - seven, two tree hours for him, and he is no come. - SHALLOW. He is the wiser man, Master Doctor: he is a curer - of souls, and you a curer of bodies; if you should fight, - you go against the hair of your professions. Is it not true, - Master Page? - PAGE. Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great fighter, - though now a man of peace. - SHALLOW. Bodykins, Master Page, though I now be old, and - of the peace, if I see a sword out, my finger itches to make - one. Though we are justices, and doctors, and churchmen, - Master Page, we have some salt of our youth in us; we are - the sons of women, Master Page. - PAGE. 'Tis true, Master Shallow. - SHALLOW. It will be found so, Master Page. Master Doctor - CAIUS, I come to fetch you home. I am sworn of the peace; - you have show'd yourself a wise physician, and Sir Hugh - hath shown himself a wise and patient churchman. You - must go with me, Master Doctor. - HOST. Pardon, Guest Justice. A word, Mounseur Mockwater. - CAIUS. Mock-vater! Vat is dat? - HOST. Mockwater, in our English tongue, is valour, bully. - CAIUS. By gar, then I have as much mockvater as de Englishman. - Scurvy jack-dog priest! By gar, me vill cut his ears. - HOST. He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully. - CAIUS. Clapper-de-claw! Vat is dat? - HOST. That is, he will make thee amends. - CAIUS. By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw me; for, - by gar, me vill have it. - HOST. And I will provoke him to't, or let him wag. - CAIUS. Me tank you for dat. - HOST. And, moreover, bully-but first: [Aside to the others] - Master Guest, and Master Page, and eke Cavaleiro Slender, - go you through the town to Frogmore. - PAGE. [Aside] Sir Hugh is there, is he? - HOST. [Aside] He is there. See what humour he is in; and - I will bring the doctor about by the fields. Will it do well? - SHALLOW. [Aside] We will do it. - PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER. Adieu, good Master Doctor. - Exeunt PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER - CAIUS. By gar, me vill kill de priest; for he speak for a jack- - an-ape to Anne Page. - HOST. Let him die. Sheathe thy impatience; throw cold water - on thy choler; go about the fields with me through Frogmore; - I will bring thee where Mistress Anne Page is, at a a - farm-house, a-feasting; and thou shalt woo her. Cried - game! Said I well? - CAIUS. By gar, me dank you vor dat; by gar, I love you; and - I shall procure-a you de good guest, de earl, de knight, de - lords, de gentlemen, my patients. - HOST. For the which I will be thy adversary toward Anne - Page. Said I well? - CAIUS. By gar, 'tis good; vell said. - HOST. Let us wag, then. - CAIUS. Come at my heels, Jack Rugby. Exeunt - -ACT III SCENE 1. - -A field near Frogmore - -Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE - - EVANS. I pray you now, good Master Slender's serving-man, - and friend Simple by your name, which way have you - look'd for Master Caius, that calls himself Doctor of - Physic? - SIMPLE. Marry, sir, the pittie-ward, the park-ward; every - way; old Windsor way, and every way but the town way. - EVANS. I most fehemently desire you you will also look that - way. - SIMPLE. I will, Sir. Exit - EVANS. Pless my soul, how full of chollors I am, and trempling - of mind! I shall be glad if he have deceived me. How - melancholies I am! I will knog his urinals about his knave's - costard when I have goot opportunities for the ork. Pless - my soul! [Sings] - To shallow rivers, to whose falls - Melodious birds sings madrigals; - There will we make our peds of roses, - And a thousand fragrant posies. - To shallow- - Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry. [Sings] - Melodious birds sing madrigals- - Whenas I sat in Pabylon- - And a thousand vagram posies. - To shallow, etc. - - Re-enter SIMPLE - - SIMPLE. Yonder he is, coming this way, Sir Hugh. - EVANS. He's welcome. [Sings] - To shallow rivers, to whose falls- - Heaven prosper the right! What weapons is he? - SIMPLE. No weapons, sir. There comes my master, Master - Shallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore, over the - stile, this way. - EVANS. Pray you give me my gown; or else keep it in your - arms. [Takes out a book] - - Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER - - SHALLOW. How now, Master Parson! Good morrow, good - Sir Hugh. Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good student - from his book, and it is wonderful. - SLENDER. [Aside] Ah, sweet Anne Page! - PAGE. Save you, good Sir Hugh! - EVANS. Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you! - SHALLOW. What, the sword and the word! Do you study - them both, Master Parson? - PAGE. And youthful still, in your doublet and hose, this raw - rheumatic day! - EVANS. There is reasons and causes for it. - PAGE. We are come to you to do a good office, Master - Parson. - EVANS. Fery well; what is it? - PAGE. Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belike having - received wrong by some person, is at most odds with - his own gravity and patience that ever you saw. - SHALLOW. I have lived fourscore years and upward; I never - heard a man of his place, gravity, and learning, so wide of - his own respect. - EVANS. What is he? - PAGE. I think you know him: Master Doctor Caius, the - renowned French physician. - EVANS. Got's will and his passion of my heart! I had as lief - you would tell me of a mess of porridge. - PAGE. Why? - EVANS. He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates and - Galen, and he is a knave besides-a cowardly knave as you - would desires to be acquainted withal. - PAGE. I warrant you, he's the man should fight with him. - SLENDER. [Aside] O sweet Anne Page! - SHALLOW. It appears so, by his weapons. Keep them asunder; - here comes Doctor Caius. - - Enter HOST, CAIUS, and RUGBY - - PAGE. Nay, good Master Parson, keep in your weapon. - SHALLOW. So do you, good Master Doctor. - HOST. Disarm them, and let them question; let them keep - their limbs whole and hack our English. - CAIUS. I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear. - Verefore will you not meet-a me? - EVANS. [Aside to CAIUS] Pray you use your patience; in - good time. - CAIUS. By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape. - EVANS. [Aside to CAIUS] Pray you, let us not be - laughing-stocks to other men's humours; I desire you in - friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends. - [Aloud] I will knog your urinals about your knave's cogscomb - for missing your meetings and appointments. - CAIUS. Diable! Jack Rugby-mine Host de Jarteer-have I - not stay for him to kill him? Have I not, at de place I did - appoint? - EVANS. As I am a Christians soul, now, look you, this is the - place appointed. I'll be judgment by mine host of the - Garter. - HOST. Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh, - soul-curer and body-curer. - CAIUS. Ay, dat is very good! excellent! - HOST. Peace, I say. Hear mine host of the Garter. Am I - politic? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel? Shall I lose my - doctor? No; he gives me the potions and the motions. Shall I - lose my parson, my priest, my Sir Hugh? No; he gives me - the proverbs and the noverbs. Give me thy hand, terrestrial; - so. Give me thy hand, celestial; so. Boys of art, I have - deceiv'd you both; I have directed you to wrong places; - your hearts are mighty, your skins are whole, and let burnt - sack be the issue. Come, lay their swords to pawn. Follow - me, lads of peace; follow, follow, follow. - SHALLOW. Trust me, a mad host. Follow, gentlemen, follow. - SLENDER. [Aside] O sweet Anne Page! - Exeunt all but CAIUS and EVANS - CAIUS. Ha, do I perceive dat? Have you make-a de sot of us, - ha, ha? - EVANS. This is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog. I - desire you that we may be friends; and let us knog our prains - together to be revenge on this same scall, scurvy, cogging - companion, the host of the Garter. - CAIUS. By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring me - where is Anne Page; by gar, he deceive me too. - EVANS. Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you follow. - Exeunt -SCENE 2. - -The street in Windsor - -Enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN - - MRS. PAGE. Nay, keep your way, little gallant; you were - wont to be a follower, but now you are a leader. Whether - had you rather lead mine eyes, or eye your master's heels? - ROBIN. I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man than - follow him like a dwarf. - MRS. PAGE. O, you are a flattering boy; now I see you'll be a - courtier. - - Enter FORD - - FORD. Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you? - MRS. PAGE. Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home? - FORD. Ay; and as idle as she may hang together, for want of - company. I think, if your husbands were dead, you two - would marry. - MRS. PAGE. Be sure of that-two other husbands. - FORD. Where had you this pretty weathercock? - MRS. PAGE. I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my - husband had him of. What do you call your knight's - name, sirrah? - ROBIN. Sir John Falstaff. - FORD. Sir John Falstaff! - MRS. PAGE. He, he; I can never hit on's name. There is such - a league between my good man and he! Is your wife at - home indeed? - FORD. Indeed she is. - MRS. PAGE. By your leave, sir. I am sick till I see her. - Exeunt MRS. PAGE and ROBIN - FORD. Has Page any brains? Hath he any eyes? Hath he any - thinking? Sure, they sleep; he hath no use of them. Why, - this boy will carry a letter twenty mile as easy as a cannon - will shoot pointblank twelve score. He pieces out his wife's - inclination; he gives her folly motion and advantage; and - now she's going to my wife, and Falstaff's boy with her. A - man may hear this show'r sing in the wind. And Falstaff's - boy with her! Good plots! They are laid; and our revolted - wives share damnation together. Well; I will take him, - then torture my wife, pluck the borrowed veil of modesty - from the so seeming Mistress Page, divulge Page himself - for a secure and wilful Actaeon; and to these violent proceedings - all my neighbours shall cry aim. [Clock strikes] - The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance bids me - search; there I shall find Falstaff. I shall be rather prais'd - for this than mock'd; for it is as positive as the earth is firm - that Falstaff is there. I will go. - - Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, SLENDER, HOST, SIR HUGH EVANS, - CAIUS, and RUGBY - - SHALLOW, PAGE, &C. Well met, Master Ford. - FORD. Trust me, a good knot; I have good cheer at home, - and I pray you all go with me. - SHALLOW. I must excuse myself, Master Ford. - SLENDER. And so must I, sir; we have appointed to dine with - Mistress Anne, and I would not break with her for more - money than I'll speak of. - SHALLOW. We have linger'd about a match between Anne - Page and my cousin Slender, and this day we shall have - our answer. - SLENDER. I hope I have your good will, father Page. - PAGE. You have, Master Slender; I stand wholly for you. But - my wife, Master Doctor, is for you altogether. - CAIUS. Ay, be-gar; and de maid is love-a me; my nursh-a - Quickly tell me so mush. - HOST. What say you to young Master Fenton? He capers, - he dances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses, he speaks - holiday, he smells April and May; he will carry 't, he will - carry 't; 'tis in his buttons; he will carry 't. - PAGE. Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman is - of no having: he kept company with the wild Prince and - Poins; he is of too high a region, he knows too much. No, - he shall not knit a knot in his fortunes with the finger of - my substance; if he take her, let him take her simply; the - wealth I have waits on my consent, and my consent goes - not that way. - FORD. I beseech you, heartily, some of you go home with me - to dinner: besides your cheer, you shall have sport; I will - show you a monster. Master Doctor, you shall go; so shall - you, Master Page; and you, Sir Hugh. - SHALLOW. Well, fare you well; we shall have the freer - wooing at Master Page's. Exeunt SHALLOW and SLENDER - CAIUS. Go home, John Rugby; I come anon. Exit RUGBY - HOST. Farewell, my hearts; I will to my honest knight - Falstaff, and drink canary with him. Exit HOST - FORD. [Aside] I think I shall drink in pipe-wine first with - him. I'll make him dance. Will you go, gentles? - ALL. Have with you to see this monster. Exeunt - -SCENE 3. - -FORD'S house - -Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE - - MRS. FORD. What, John! what, Robert! - MRS. PAGE. Quickly, quickly! Is the buck-basket- - MRS. FORD. I warrant. What, Robin, I say! - - Enter SERVANTS with a basket - - MRS. PAGE. Come, come, come. - MRS. FORD. Here, set it down. - MRS. PAGE. Give your men the charge; we must be brief. - MRS. FORD. Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert, be - ready here hard by in the brew-house; and when I suddenly - call you, come forth, and, without any pause or - staggering, take this basket on your shoulders. That done, - trudge with it in all haste, and carry it among the whitsters - in Datchet Mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch - close by the Thames side. - Mrs. PAGE. You will do it? - MRS. FORD. I ha' told them over and over; they lack no - direction. Be gone, and come when you are call'd. - Exeunt SERVANTS - MRS. PAGE. Here comes little Robin. - - Enter ROBIN - - MRS. FORD. How now, my eyas-musket, what news with - you? - ROBIN. My Master Sir John is come in at your back-door, - Mistress Ford, and requests your company. - MRS. PAGE. You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to us? - ROBIN. Ay, I'll be sworn. My master knows not of your - being here, and hath threat'ned to put me into everlasting - liberty, if I tell you of it; for he swears he'll turn me away. - MRS. PAGE. Thou 'rt a good boy; this secrecy of thine shall - be a tailor to thee, and shall make thee a new doublet and - hose. I'll go hide me. - MRS. FORD. Do so. Go tell thy master I am alone. [Exit - ROBIN] Mistress Page, remember you your cue. - MRS. PAGE. I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me. - Exit MRS. PAGE - MRS. FORD. Go to, then; we'll use this unwholesome - humidity, this gross wat'ry pumpion; we'll teach him to - know turtles from jays. - - Enter FALSTAFF - - FALSTAFF. Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? - Why, now let me die, for I have liv'd long enough; this is - the period of my ambition. O this blessed hour! - MRS. FORD. O sweet Sir John! - FALSTAFF. Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate, - Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish; I would thy - husband were dead; I'll speak it before the best lord, I - would make thee my lady. - MRS. FORD. I your lady, Sir John? Alas, I should be a pitiful - lady. - FALSTAFF. Let the court of France show me such another. I - see how thine eye would emulate the diamond; thou hast - the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes the - ship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire of Venetian admittance. - MRS. FORD. A plain kerchief, Sir John; my brows become - nothing else, nor that well neither. - FALSTAFF. By the Lord, thou art a tyrant to say so; thou - wouldst make an absolute courtier, and the firm fixture of - thy foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait in a - semi-circled farthingale. I see what thou wert, if Fortune - thy foe were, not Nature, thy friend. Come, thou canst not - hide it. - MRS. FORD. Believe me, there's no such thing in me. - FALSTAFF. What made me love thee? Let that persuade thee - there's something extra-ordinary in thee. Come, I cannot - cog, and say thou art this and that, like a many of these - lisping hawthorn-buds that come like women in men's - apparel, and smell like Bucklersbury in simple time; I - cannot; but I love thee, none but thee; and thou deserv'st it. - MRS. FORD. Do not betray me, sir; I fear you love Mistress - Page. - FALSTAFF. Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the - Counter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek of a - lime-kiln. - MRS. FORD. Well, heaven knows how I love you; and you - shall one day find it. - FALSTAFF. Keep in that mind; I'll deserve it. - MRS. FORD. Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or else I could - not be in that mind. - ROBIN. [Within] Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford! here's - Mistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing and looking - wildly, and would needs speak with you presently. - FALSTAFF. She shall not see me; I will ensconce me behind - the arras. - MRS. FORD. Pray you, do so; she's a very tattling woman. - [FALSTAFF hides himself] - - Re-enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN - - What's the matter? How now! - MRS. PAGE. O Mistress Ford, what have you done? You're - sham'd, y'are overthrown, y'are undone for ever. - MRS. FORD. What's the matter, good Mistress Page? - MRS. PAGE. O well-a-day, Mistress Ford, having an honest - man to your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion! - MRS. FORD. What cause of suspicion? - MRS. PAGE. What cause of suspicion? Out upon you, how - am I mistook in you! - MRS. FORD. Why, alas, what's the matter? - MRS. PAGE. Your husband's coming hither, woman, with all - the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman that he - says is here now in the house, by your consent, to take an - ill advantage of his absence. You are undone. - MRS. FORD. 'Tis not so, I hope. - MRS. PAGE. Pray heaven it be not so that you have such a - man here; but 'tis most certain your husband's coming, - with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a one. I - come before to tell you. If you know yourself clear, why, - I am glad of it; but if you have a friend here, convey, - convey him out. Be not amaz'd; call all your senses to you; - defend your reputation, or bid farewell to your good life - for ever. - MRS. FORD. What shall I do? There is a gentleman, my dear - friend; and I fear not mine own shame as much as his peril. - I had rather than a thousand pound he were out of the - house. - MRS. PAGE. For shame, never stand 'you had rather' and 'you - had rather'! Your husband's here at hand; bethink you of - some conveyance; in the house you cannot hide him. O, - how have you deceiv'd me! Look, here is a basket; if he be - of any reasonable stature, he may creep in here; and throw - foul linen upon him, as if it were going to bucking, or-it is - whiting-time-send him by your two men to Datchet - Mead. - MRS. FORD. He's too big to go in there. What shall I do? - FALSTAFF. [Coming forward] Let me see 't, let me see 't. O, - let me see 't! I'll in, I'll in; follow your friend's counsel; - I'll in. - MRS. PAGE. What, Sir John Falstaff! [Aside to FALSTAFF] - Are these your letters, knight? - FALSTAFF. [Aside to MRS. PAGE] I love thee and none but - thee; help me away.-Let me creep in here; I'll never- - [Gets into the basket; they cover him with foul linen] - MRS. PAGE. Help to cover your master, boy. Call your men, - Mistress Ford. You dissembling knight! - MRS. FORD. What, John! Robert! John! Exit ROBIN - - Re-enter SERVANTS - - Go, take up these clothes here, quickly; where's the cowl-staff? - Look how you drumble. Carry them to the laundress in Datchet Mead; - quickly, come. - - Enter FORD, PAGE, CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS - - FORD. Pray you come near. If I suspect without cause, why - then make sport at me, then let me be your jest; I deserve - it. How now, whither bear you this? - SERVANT. To the laundress, forsooth. - MRS. FORD. Why, what have you to do whither they bear it? - You were best meddle with buck-washing. - FORD. Buck? I would I could wash myself of the buck! - Buck, buck, buck! ay, buck! I warrant you, buck; and of - the season too, it shall appear. [Exeunt SERVANTS with - basket] Gentlemen, I have dream'd to-night; I'll tell you my - dream. Here, here, here be my keys; ascend my chambers, - search, seek, find out. I'll warrant we'll unkennel the fox. - Let me stop this way first. [Locking the door] So, now - uncape. - PAGE. Good Master Ford, be contented; you wrong yourself - too much. - FORD. True, Master Page. Up, gentlemen, you shall see sport - anon; follow me, gentlemen. Exit - EVANS. This is fery fantastical humours and jealousies. - CAIUS. By gar, 'tis no the fashion of France; it is not jealous - in France. - PAGE. Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his - search. Exeunt EVANS, PAGE, and CAIUS - MRS. PAGE. Is there not a double excellency in this? - MRS. FORD. I know not which pleases me better, that my - husband is deceived, or Sir John. - MRS. PAGE. What a taking was he in when your husband - ask'd who was in the basket! - MRS. FORD. I am half afraid he will have need of washing; so - throwing him into the water will do him a benefit. - MRS. PAGE. Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all of the - same strain were in the same distress. - MRS. FORD. I think my husband hath some special suspicion - of Falstaff's being here, for I never saw him so gross in his - jealousy till now. - MRS. PAGE. I Will lay a plot to try that, and we will yet have - more tricks with Falstaff. His dissolute disease will scarce - obey this medicine. - MRS. FORD. Shall we send that foolish carrion, Mistress - Quickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into the water, - and give him another hope, to betray him to another - punishment? - MRS. PAGE. We will do it; let him be sent for to-morrow - eight o'clock, to have amends. - - Re-enter FORD, PAGE, CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS - - FORD. I cannot find him; may be the knave bragg'd of that - he could not compass. - MRS. PAGE. [Aside to MRS. FORD] Heard you that? - MRS. FORD. You use me well, Master Ford, do you? - FORD. Ay, I do so. - MRS. FORD. Heaven make you better than your thoughts! - FORD. Amen. - MRS. PAGE. You do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford. - FORD. Ay, ay; I must bear it. - EVANS. If there be any pody in the house, and in the - chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses, heaven forgive - my sins at the day of judgment! - CAIUS. Be gar, nor I too; there is no bodies. - PAGE. Fie, fie, Master Ford, are you not asham'd? What - spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? I would not ha' - your distemper in this kind for the wealth of Windsor - Castle. - FORD. 'Tis my fault, Master Page; I suffer for it. - EVANS. You suffer for a pad conscience. Your wife is as - honest a omans as I will desires among five thousand, and five - hundred too. - CAIUS. By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman. - FORD. Well, I promis'd you a dinner. Come, come, walk in - the Park. I pray you pardon me; I will hereafter make - known to you why I have done this. Come, wife, come, - Mistress Page; I pray you pardon me; pray heartly, - pardon me. - PAGE. Let's go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we'll mock him. - I do invite you to-morrow morning to my house to breakfast; - after, we'll a-birding together; I have a fine hawk for - the bush. Shall it be so? - FORD. Any thing. - EVANS. If there is one, I shall make two in the company. - CAIUS. If there be one or two, I shall make-a the turd. - FORD. Pray you go, Master Page. - EVANS. I pray you now, remembrance to-morrow on the - lousy knave, mine host. - CAIUS. Dat is good; by gar, with all my heart. - EVANS. A lousy knave, to have his gibes and his mockeries! - Exeunt -SCENE 4. - -Before PAGE'S house - -Enter FENTON and ANNE PAGE - - FENTON. I see I cannot get thy father's love; - Therefore no more turn me to him, sweet Nan. - ANNE. Alas, how then? - FENTON. Why, thou must be thyself. - He doth object I am too great of birth; - And that, my state being gall'd with my expense, - I seek to heal it only by his wealth. - Besides these, other bars he lays before me, - My riots past, my wild societies; - And tells me 'tis a thing impossible - I should love thee but as a property. - ANNE. May be he tells you true. - FENTON. No, heaven so speed me in my time to come! - Albeit I will confess thy father's wealth - Was the first motive that I woo'd thee, Anne; - Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more value - Than stamps in gold, or sums in sealed bags; - And 'tis the very riches of thyself - That now I aim at. - ANNE. Gentle Master Fenton, - Yet seek my father's love; still seek it, sir. - If opportunity and humblest suit - Cannot attain it, why then-hark you hither. - [They converse apart] - - Enter SHALLOW, SLENDER, and MISTRESS QUICKLY - - SHALLOW. Break their talk, Mistress Quickly; my kinsman - shall speak for himself. - SLENDER. I'll make a shaft or a bolt on 't; 'slid, 'tis but - venturing. - SHALLOW. Be not dismay'd. - SLENDER. No, she shall not dismay me. I care not for that, - but that I am afeard. - QUICKLY. Hark ye, Master Slender would speak a word - with you. - ANNE. I come to him. [Aside] This is my father's choice. - O, what a world of vile ill-favour'd faults - Looks handsome in three hundred pounds a year! - QUICKLY. And how does good Master Fenton? Pray you, a - word with you. - SHALLOW. She's coming; to her, coz. O boy, thou hadst a - father! - SLENDER. I had a father, Mistress Anne; my uncle can tell - you good jests of him. Pray you, uncle, tell Mistress Anne - the jest how my father stole two geese out of a pen, good - uncle. - SHALLOW. Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you. - SLENDER. Ay, that I do; as well as I love any woman in - Gloucestershire. - SHALLOW. He will maintain you like a gentlewoman. - SLENDER. Ay, that I will come cut and longtail, under the - degree of a squire. - SHALLOW. He will make you a hundred and fifty pounds - jointure. - ANNE. Good Master Shallow, let him woo for himself. - SHALLOW. Marry, I thank you for it; I thank you for that - good comfort. She calls you, coz; I'll leave you. - ANNE. Now, Master Slender- - SLENDER. Now, good Mistress Anne- - ANNE. What is your will? - SLENDER. My Will! 'Od's heartlings, that's a pretty jest - indeed! I ne'er made my will yet, I thank heaven; I am not - such a sickly creature, I give heaven praise. - ANNE. I mean, Master Slender, what would you with me? - SLENDER. Truly, for mine own part I would little or nothing - with you. Your father and my uncle hath made motions; - if it be my luck, so; if not, happy man be his dole! They - can tell you how things go better than I can. You may ask - your father; here he comes. - - Enter PAGE and MISTRESS PAGE - - PAGE. Now, Master Slender! Love him, daughter Anne- - Why, how now, what does Master Fenton here? - You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt my house. - I told you, sir, my daughter is dispos'd of. - FENTON. Nay, Master Page, be not impatient. - MRS. PAGE. Good Master Fenton, come not to my child. - PAGE. She is no match for you. - FENTON. Sir, will you hear me? - PAGE. No, good Master Fenton. - Come, Master Shallow; come, son Slender; in. - Knowing my mind, you wrong me, Master Fenton. - Exeunt PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER - QUICKLY. Speak to Mistress Page. - FENTON. Good Mistress Page, for that I love your daughter - In such a righteous fashion as I do, - Perforce, against all checks, rebukes, and manners, - I must advance the colours of my love, - And not retire. Let me have your good will. - ANNE. Good mother, do not marry me to yond fool. - MRS. PAGE. I mean it not; I seek you a better husband. - QUICKLY. That's my master, Master Doctor. - ANNE. Alas, I had rather be set quick i' th' earth. - And bowl'd to death with turnips. - MRS. PAGE. Come, trouble not yourself. Good Master - Fenton, - I will not be your friend, nor enemy; - My daughter will I question how she loves you, - And as I find her, so am I affected; - Till then, farewell, sir; she must needs go in; - Her father will be angry. - FENTON. Farewell, gentle mistress; farewell, Nan. - Exeunt MRS. PAGE and ANNE - QUICKLY. This is my doing now: 'Nay,' said I 'will you cast - away your child on a fool, and a physician? Look on - Master Fenton.' This is my doing. - FENTON. I thank thee; and I pray thee, once to-night - Give my sweet Nan this ring. There's for thy pains. - QUICKLY. Now Heaven send thee good fortune! [Exit - FENTON] A kind heart he hath; a woman would run through - fire and water for such a kind heart. But yet I would my - master had Mistress Anne; or I would Master Slender had - her; or, in sooth, I would Master Fenton had her; I will - do what I can for them all three, for so I have promis'd, - and I'll be as good as my word; but speciously for Master - Fenton. Well, I must of another errand to Sir John Falstaff - from my two mistresses. What a beast am I to slack it! - Exit -SCENE 5. - -The Garter Inn - -Enter FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH - - FALSTAFF. Bardolph, I say! - BARDOLPH. Here, sir. - FALSTAFF. Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in 't. - Exit BARDOLPH - Have I liv'd to be carried in a basket, like a barrow of - butcher's offal, and to be thrown in the Thames? Well, if - I be serv'd such another trick, I'll have my brains ta'en out - and butter'd, and give them to a dog for a new-year's gift. - The rogues slighted me into the river with as little remorse - as they would have drown'd a blind bitch's puppies, fifteen - i' th' litter; and you may know by my size that I have - a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the bottom were as deep as - hell I should down. I had been drown'd but that the shore - was shelvy and shallow-a death that I abhor; for the water - swells a man; and what a thing should I have been when - had been swell'd! I should have been a mountain of - mummy. - - Re-enter BARDOLPH, with sack - - BARDOLPH. Here's Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you - FALSTAFF. Come, let me pour in some sack to the Thames - water; for my belly's as cold as if I had swallow'd - snowballs for pills to cool the reins. Call her in. - BARDOLPH. Come in, woman. - - Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY - - QUICKLY. By your leave; I cry you mercy. Give your - worship good morrow. - FALSTAFF. Take away these chalices. Go, brew me a pottle - of sack finely. - BARDOLPH. With eggs, sir? - FALSTAFF. Simple of itself; I'll no pullet-sperm in my - brewage. [Exit BARDOLPH] How now! - QUICKLY. Marry, sir, I come to your worship from Mistress - Ford. - FALSTAFF. Mistress Ford! I have had ford enough; I was - thrown into the ford; I have my belly full of ford. - QUICKLY. Alas the day, good heart, that was not her fault! - She does so take on with her men; they mistook their - erection. - FALSTAFF. So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's - promise. - QUICKLY. Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn - your heart to see it. Her husband goes this morning - a-birding; she desires you once more to come to her between - eight and nine; I must carry her word quickly. She'll make - you amends, I warrant you. - FALSTAFF. Well, I Will visit her. Tell her so; and bid her - think what a man is. Let her consider his frailty, and then - judge of my merit. - QUICKLY. I will tell her. - FALSTAFF. Do so. Between nine and ten, say'st thou? - QUICKLY. Eight and nine, sir. - FALSTAFF. Well, be gone; I will not miss her. - QUICKLY. Peace be with you, sir. Exit - FALSTAFF. I marvel I hear not of Master Brook; he sent me - word to stay within. I like his money well. O, here he - comes. - - Enter FORD disguised - - FORD. Bless you, sir! - FALSTAFF. Now, Master Brook, you come to know what - hath pass'd between me and Ford's wife? - FORD. That, indeed, Sir John, is my business. - FALSTAFF. Master Brook, I will not lie to you; I was at her - house the hour she appointed me. - FORD. And sped you, sir? - FALSTAFF. Very ill-favouredly, Master Brook. - FORD. How so, sir; did she change her determination? - FALSTAFF. No. Master Brook; but the peaking cornuto her - husband, Master Brook, dwelling in a continual 'larum of - jealousy, comes me in the instant of our, encounter, after - we had embrac'd, kiss'd, protested, and, as it were, spoke - the prologue of our comedy; and at his heels a rabble of his - companions, thither provoked and instigated by his - distemper, and, forsooth, to search his house for his wife's - love. - FORD. What, while you were there? - FALSTAFF. While I was there. - FORD. And did he search for you, and could not find you? - FALSTAFF. You shall hear. As good luck would have it, comes - in one Mistress Page, gives intelligence of Ford's approach; - and, in her invention and Ford's wife's distraction, they - convey'd me into a buck-basket. - FORD. A buck-basket! - FALSTAFF. By the Lord, a buck-basket! Ramm'd me in with - foul shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, greasy - napkins, that, Master Brook, there was the rankest compound - of villainous smell that ever offended nostril. - FORD. And how long lay you there? - FALSTAFF. Nay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I have - suffer'd to bring this woman to evil for your good. Being - thus cramm'd in the basket, a couple of Ford's knaves, his - hinds, were call'd forth by their mistress to carry me in - the name of foul clothes to Datchet Lane; they took me on - their shoulders; met the jealous knave their master in the - door; who ask'd them once or twice what they had in their - basket. I quak'd for fear lest the lunatic knave would have - search'd it; but Fate, ordaining he should be a cuckold, - held his hand. Well, on went he for a search, and away - went I for foul clothes. But mark the sequel, Master - Brook-I suffered the pangs of three several deaths: first, - an intolerable fright to be detected with a jealous rotten - bell-wether; next, to be compass'd like a good bilbo in the - circumference of a peck, hilt to point, heel to head; and - then, to be stopp'd in, like a strong distillation, with - stinking clothes that fretted in their own grease. Think of that - -a man of my kidney. Think of that-that am as subject to - heat as butter; a man of continual dissolution and thaw. It - was a miracle to scape suffocation. And in the height of - this bath, when I was more than half-stew'd in grease, like - a Dutch dish, to be thrown into the Thames, and cool'd, - glowing hot, in that surge, like a horse-shoe; think of that - -hissing hot. Think of that, Master Brook. - FORD. In good sadness, sir, I am sorry that for my sake you - have suffer'd all this. My suit, then, is desperate; - you'll undertake her no more. - FALSTAFF. Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I - have been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her - husband is this morning gone a-birding; I have received from - her another embassy of meeting; 'twixt eight and nine is - the hour, Master Brook. - FORD. 'Tis past eight already, sir. - FALSTAFF. Is it? I Will then address me to my appointment. - Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shall - know how I speed; and the conclusion shall be crowned - with your enjoying her. Adieu. You shall have her, Master - Brook; Master Brook, you shall cuckold Ford. Exit - FORD. Hum! ha! Is this a vision? Is this a dream? Do I sleep? - Master Ford, awake; awake, Master Ford. There's a hole - made in your best coat, Master Ford. This 'tis to be - married; this 'tis to have linen and buck-baskets! Well, I will - proclaim myself what I am; I will now take the lecher; he - is at my house. He cannot scape me; 'tis impossible he - should; he cannot creep into a halfpenny purse nor into - a pepper box. But, lest the devil that guides him should aid - him, I will search impossible places. Though what I am I - cannot avoid, yet to be what I would not shall not make - me tame. If I have horns to make one mad, let the proverb - go with me-I'll be horn mad. Exit - -ACT IV. SCENE I. - -Windsor. A street - -Enter MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS QUICKLY, and WILLIAM - - MRS. PAGE. Is he at Master Ford's already, think'st thou? - QUICKLY. Sure he is by this; or will be presently; but truly - he is very courageous mad about his throwing into the - water. Mistress Ford desires you to come suddenly. - MRS. PAGE. I'll be with her by and by; I'll but bring my - young man here to school. Look where his master comes; - 'tis a playing day, I see. - - Enter SIR HUGH EVANS - - How now, Sir Hugh, no school to-day? - EVANS. No; Master Slender is let the boys leave to play. - QUICKLY. Blessing of his heart! - MRS. PAGE. Sir Hugh, my husband says my son profits - nothing in the world at his book; I pray you ask him some - questions in his accidence. - EVANS. Come hither, William; hold up your head; come. - MRS. PAGE. Come on, sirrah; hold up your head; answer your - master; be not afraid. - EVANS. William, how many numbers is in nouns? - WILLIAM. Two. - QUICKLY. Truly, I thought there had been one number - more, because they say 'Od's nouns.' - EVANS. Peace your tattlings. What is 'fair,' William? - WILLIAM. Pulcher. - QUICKLY. Polecats! There are fairer things than polecats, - sure. - EVANS. You are a very simplicity oman; I pray you, peace. - What is 'lapis,' William? - WILLIAM. A stone. - EVANS. And what is 'a stone,' William? - WILLIAM. A pebble. - EVANS. No, it is 'lapis'; I pray you remember in your prain. - WILLIAM. Lapis. - EVANS. That is a good William. What is he, William, that - does lend articles? - WILLIAM. Articles are borrowed of the pronoun, and be - thus declined: Singulariter, nominativo; hic, haec, hoc. - EVANS. Nominativo, hig, hag, hog; pray you, mark: genitivo, - hujus. Well, what is your accusative case? - WILLIAM. Accusativo, hinc. - EVANS. I pray you, have your remembrance, child. - Accusativo, hung, hang, hog. - QUICKLY. 'Hang-hog' is Latin for bacon, I warrant you. - EVANS. Leave your prabbles, oman. What is the focative - case, William? - WILLIAM. O-vocativo, O. - EVANS. Remember, William: focative is caret. - QUICKLY. And that's a good root. - EVANS. Oman, forbear. - MRS. PAGE. Peace. - EVANS. What is your genitive case plural, William? - WILLIAM. Genitive case? - EVANS. Ay. - WILLIAM. Genitive: horum, harum, horum. - QUICKLY. Vengeance of Jenny's case; fie on her! Never - name her, child, if she be a whore. - EVANS. For shame, oman. - QUICKLY. YOU do ill to teach the child such words. He - teaches him to hick and to hack, which they'll do fast - enough of themselves; and to call 'horum'; fie upon you! - EVANS. Oman, art thou lunatics? Hast thou no understandings - for thy cases, and the numbers of the genders? Thou - art as foolish Christian creatures as I would desires. - MRS. PAGE. Prithee hold thy peace. - EVANS. Show me now, William, some declensions of your - pronouns. - WILLIAM. Forsooth, I have forgot. - EVANS. It is qui, quae, quod; if you forget your qui's, your - quae's, and your quod's, you must be preeches. Go your - ways and play; go. - MRS. PAGE. He is a better scholar than I thought he was. - EVANS. He is a good sprag memory. Farewell, Mistress Page. - MRS. PAGE. Adieu, good Sir Hugh. Exit SIR HUGH - Get you home, boy. Come, we stay too long. Exeunt - -SCENE 2. - -FORD'S house - -Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS FORD - - FALSTAFF. Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my - sufferance. I see you are obsequious in your love, and I - profess requital to a hair's breadth; not only, Mistress Ford, in - the simple office of love, but in all the accoutrement, - complement, and ceremony of it. But are you sure of your - husband now? - MRS. FORD. He's a-birding, sweet Sir John. - MRS. PAGE. [Within] What hoa, gossip Ford, what hoa! - MRS. FORD. Step into th' chamber, Sir John. Exit FALSTAFF - - Enter MISTRESS PAGE - - MRS. PAGE. How now, sweetheart, who's at home besides - yourself? - MRS. FORD. Why, none but mine own people. - MRS. PAGE. Indeed? - MRS. FORD. No, certainly. [Aside to her] Speak louder. - MRS. PAGE. Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here. - MRS. FORD. Why? - MRS. PAGE. Why, woman, your husband is in his old lunes - again. He so takes on yonder with my husband; so rails - against all married mankind; so curses an Eve's daughters, - of what complexion soever; and so buffets himself on the - forehead, crying 'Peer-out, peer-out!' that any madness I - ever yet beheld seem'd but tameness, civility, and patience, - to this his distemper he is in now. I am glad the fat knight - is not here. - MRS. FORD. Why, does he talk of him? - MRS. PAGE. Of none but him; and swears he was carried out, - the last time he search'd for him, in a basket; protests to - my husband he is now here; and hath drawn him and the - rest of their company from their sport, to make another - experiment of his suspicion. But I am glad the knight is not - here; now he shall see his own foolery. - MRS. FORD. How near is he, Mistress Page? - MRS. PAGE. Hard by, at street end; he will be here anon. - MRS. FORD. I am undone: the knight is here. - MRS. PAGE. Why, then, you are utterly sham'd, and he's but - a dead man. What a woman are you! Away with him, - away with him; better shame than murder. - MRS. FORD. Which way should he go? How should I bestow - him? Shall I put him into the basket again? - - Re-enter FALSTAFF - - FALSTAFF. No, I'll come no more i' th' basket. May I not go - out ere he come? - MRS. PAGE. Alas, three of Master Ford's brothers watch the - door with pistols, that none shall issue out; otherwise you - might slip away ere he came. But what make you here? - FALSTAFF. What shall I do? I'll creep up into the chimney. - MRS. FORD. There they always use to discharge their - birding-pieces. - MRS. PAGE. Creep into the kiln-hole. - FALSTAFF. Where is it? - MRS. FORD. He will seek there, on my word. Neither press, - coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath an abstract for - the remembrance of such places, and goes to them by his - note. There is no hiding you in the house. - FALSTAFF. I'll go out then. - MRS. PAGE. If you go out in your own semblance, you die, - Sir John. Unless you go out disguis'd. - MRS. FORD. How might we disguise him? - MRS. PAGE. Alas the day, I know not! There is no woman's - gown big enough for him; otherwise he might put on a - hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and so escape. - FALSTAFF. Good hearts, devise something; any extremity - rather than a mischief. - MRS. FORD. My Maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brainford, has - a gown above. - MRS. PAGE. On my word, it will serve him; she's as big as he - is; and there's her thrumm'd hat, and her muffler too. Run - up, Sir John. - MRS. FORD. Go, go, sweet Sir John. Mistress Page and I will - look some linen for your head. - MRS. PAGE. Quick, quick; we'll come dress you straight. Put - on the gown the while. Exit FALSTAFF - MRS. FORD. I would my husband would meet him in this - shape; he cannot abide the old woman of Brainford; he - swears she's a witch, forbade her my house, and hath - threat'ned to beat her. - MRS. PAGE. Heaven guide him to thy husband's cudgel; and - the devil guide his cudgel afterwards! - MRS. FORD. But is my husband coming? - MRS. PAGE. Ay, in good sadness is he; and talks of the basket - too, howsoever he hath had intelligence. - MRS. FORD. We'll try that; for I'll appoint my men to carry - the basket again, to meet him at the door with it as they - did last time. - MRS. PAGE. Nay, but he'll be here presently; let's go dress - him like the witch of Brainford. - MRS. FORD. I'll first direct my men what they shall do with - the basket. Go up; I'll bring linen for him straight. Exit - MRS. PAGE. Hang him, dishonest varlet! we cannot misuse - him enough. - We'll leave a proof, by that which we will do, - Wives may be merry and yet honest too. - We do not act that often jest and laugh; - 'Tis old but true: Still swine eats all the draff. Exit - - Re-enter MISTRESS FORD, with two SERVANTS - - MRS. FORD. Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders; - your master is hard at door; if he bid you set it down, obey - him; quickly, dispatch. Exit - FIRST SERVANT. Come, come, take it up. - SECOND SERVANT. Pray heaven it be not full of knight again. - FIRST SERVANT. I hope not; I had lief as bear so much lead. - - Enter FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS - - FORD. Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you any - way then to unfool me again? Set down the basket, villain! - Somebody call my wife. Youth in a basket! O you panderly - rascals, there's a knot, a ging, a pack, a conspiracy - against me. Now shall the devil be sham'd. What, wife, I - say! Come, come forth; behold what honest clothes you - send forth to bleaching. - PAGE. Why, this passes, Master Ford; you are not to go loose - any longer; you must be pinion'd. - EVANS. Why, this is lunatics. This is mad as a mad dog. - SHALLOW. Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed. - FORD. So say I too, sir. - - Re-enter MISTRESS FORD - - Come hither, Mistress Ford; Mistress Ford, the honest - woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature, that hath - the jealous fool to her husband! I suspect without cause, - Mistress, do I? - MRS. FORD. Heaven be my witness, you do, if you suspect - me in any dishonesty. - FORD. Well said, brazen-face; hold it out. Come forth, sirrah. - [Pulling clothes out of the basket] - PAGE. This passes! - MRS. FORD. Are you not asham'd? Let the clothes alone. - FORD. I shall find you anon. - EVANS. 'Tis unreasonable. Will you take up your wife's - clothes? Come away. - FORD. Empty the basket, I say. - MRS. FORD. Why, man, why? - FORD. Master Page, as I am a man, there was one convey'd - out of my house yesterday in this basket. Why may not - he be there again? In my house I am sure he is; my - intelligence is true; my jealousy is reasonable. - Pluck me out all the linen. - MRS. FORD. If you find a man there, he shall die a flea's - death. - PAGE. Here's no man. - SHALLOW. By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford; this - wrongs you. - EVANS. Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the - imaginations of your own heart; this is jealousies. - FORD. Well, he's not here I seek for. - PAGE. No, nor nowhere else but in your brain. - FORD. Help to search my house this one time. If I find not - what I seek, show no colour for my extremity; let me for - ever be your table sport; let them say of me 'As jealous as - Ford, that search'd a hollow walnut for his wife's leman.' - Satisfy me once more; once more search with me. - MRS. FORD. What, hoa, Mistress Page! Come you and the old - woman down; my husband will come into the chamber. - FORD. Old woman? what old woman's that? - MRS. FORD. Why, it is my maid's aunt of Brainford. - FORD. A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have I not - forbid her my house? She comes of errands, does she? We - are simple men; we do not know what's brought to pass - under the profession of fortune-telling. She works by - charms, by spells, by th' figure, and such daub'ry as this - is, beyond our element. We know nothing. Come down, you - witch, you hag you; come down, I say. - MRS. FORD. Nay, good sweet husband! Good gentlemen, let - him not strike the old woman. - - Re-enter FALSTAFF in woman's clothes, and MISTRESS PAGE - - MRS. PAGE. Come, Mother Prat; come. give me your hand. - FORD. I'll prat her. [Beating him] Out of my door, you - witch, you hag, you. baggage, you polecat, you ronyon! - Out, out! I'll conjure you, I'll fortune-tell you. - Exit FALSTAFF - MRS. PAGE. Are you not asham'd? I think you have kill'd the - poor woman. - MRS. FORD. Nay, he will do it. 'Tis a goodly credit for you. - FORD. Hang her, witch! - EVANS. By yea and no, I think the oman is a witch indeed; I - like not when a oman has a great peard; I spy a great peard - under his muffler. - FORD. Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you follow; - see but the issue of my jealousy; if I cry out thus upon no - trail, never trust me when I open again. - PAGE. Let's obey his humour a little further. Come, - gentlemen. Exeunt all but MRS. FORD and MRS. PAGE - MRS. PAGE. Trust me, he beat him most pitifully. - MRS. FORD. Nay, by th' mass, that he did not; he beat him - most unpitifully methought. - MRS. PAGE. I'll have the cudgel hallow'd and hung o'er the - altar; it hath done meritorious service. - MRS. FORD. What think you? May we, with the warrant of - womanhood and the witness of a good conscience, pursue - him with any further revenge? - MRS. PAGE. The spirit of wantonness is sure scar'd out of - him; if the devil have him not in fee-simple, with fine and - recovery, he will never, I think, in the way of waste, - attempt us again. - MRS. FORD. Shall we tell our husbands how we have serv'd - him? - MRS. PAGE. Yes, by all means; if it be but to scrape the - figures out of your husband's brains. If they can find in their - hearts the poor unvirtuous fat knight shall be any further - afflicted, we two will still be the ministers. - MRS. FORD. I'll warrant they'll have him publicly sham'd; - and methinks there would be no period to the jest, should - he not be publicly sham'd. - MRS. PAGE. Come, to the forge with it then; shape it. I - would not have things cool. Exeunt - -SCENE 3. - -The Garter Inn - -Enter HOST and BARDOLPH - - BARDOLPH. Sir, the Germans desire to have three of your - horses; the Duke himself will be to-morrow at court, and - they are going to meet him. - HOST. What duke should that be comes so secretly? I hear - not of him in the court. Let me speak with the gentlemen; - they speak English? - BARDOLPH. Ay, sir; I'll call them to you. - HOST. They shall have my horses, but I'll make them pay; - I'll sauce them; they have had my house a week at - command; I have turn'd away my other guests. They must - come off; I'll sauce them. Come. Exeunt - -SCENE 4 - -FORD'S house - -Enter PAGE, FORD, MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and SIR HUGH EVANS - - EVANS. 'Tis one of the best discretions of a oman as ever - did look upon. - PAGE. And did he send you both these letters at an instant? - MRS. PAGE. Within a quarter of an hour. - FORD. Pardon me, wife. Henceforth, do what thou wilt; - I rather will suspect the sun with cold - Than thee with wantonness. Now doth thy honour stand, - In him that was of late an heretic, - As firm as faith. - PAGE. 'Tis well, 'tis well; no more. - Be not as extreme in submission as in offence; - But let our plot go forward. Let our wives - Yet once again, to make us public sport, - Appoint a meeting with this old fat fellow, - Where we may take him and disgrace him for it. - FORD. There is no better way than that they spoke of. - PAGE. How? To send him word they'll meet him in the Park - at midnight? Fie, fie! he'll never come! - EVANS. You say he has been thrown in the rivers; and has - been grievously peaten as an old oman; methinks there - should be terrors in him, that he should not come; - methinks his flesh is punish'd; he shall have no desires. - PAGE. So think I too. - MRS. FORD. Devise but how you'll use him when he comes, - And let us two devise to bring him thither. - MRS. PAGE. There is an old tale goes that Heme the Hunter, - Sometime a keeper here in Windsor Forest, - Doth all the winter-time, at still midnight, - Walk round about an oak, with great ragg'd horns; - And there he blasts the tree, and takes the cattle, - And makes milch-kine yield blood, and shakes a chain - In a most hideous and dreadful manner. - You have heard of such a spirit, and well you know - The superstitious idle-headed eld - Receiv'd, and did deliver to our age, - This tale of Heme the Hunter for a truth. - PAGE. Why yet there want not many that do fear - In deep of night to walk by this Herne's oak. - But what of this? - MRS. FORD. Marry, this is our device- - That Falstaff at that oak shall meet with us, - Disguis'd, like Heme, with huge horns on his head. - PAGE. Well, let it not be doubted but he'll come, - And in this shape. When you have brought him thither, - What shall be done with him? What is your plot? - MRS. PAGE. That likewise have we thought upon, and - thus: - Nan Page my daughter, and my little son, - And three or four more of their growth, we'll dress - Like urchins, ouphes, and fairies, green and white, - With rounds of waxen tapers on their heads, - And rattles in their hands; upon a sudden, - As Falstaff, she, and I, are newly met, - Let them from forth a sawpit rush at once - With some diffused song; upon their sight - We two in great amazedness will fly. - Then let them all encircle him about, - And fairy-like, to pinch the unclean knight; - And ask him why, that hour of fairy revel, - In their so sacred paths he dares to tread - In shape profane. - MRS. FORD. And till he tell the truth, - Let the supposed fairies pinch him sound, - And burn him with their tapers. - MRS. PAGE. The truth being known, - We'll all present ourselves; dis-horn the spirit, - And mock him home to Windsor. - FORD. The children must - Be practis'd well to this or they'll nev'r do 't. - EVANS. I will teach the children their behaviours; and I will - be like a jack-an-apes also, to burn the knight with my - taber. - FORD. That will be excellent. I'll go buy them vizards. - MRS. PAGE. My Nan shall be the Queen of all the Fairies, - Finely attired in a robe of white. - PAGE. That silk will I go buy. [Aside] And in that time - Shall Master Slender steal my Nan away, - And marry her at Eton.-Go, send to Falstaff straight. - FORD. Nay, I'll to him again, in name of Brook; - He'll tell me all his purpose. Sure, he'll come. - MRS. PAGE. Fear not you that. Go get us properties - And tricking for our fairies. - EVANS. Let us about it. It is admirable pleasures, and fery - honest knaveries. Exeunt PAGE, FORD, and EVANS - MRS. PAGE. Go, Mistress Ford. - Send Quickly to Sir John to know his mind. - Exit MRS. FORD - I'll to the Doctor; he hath my good will, - And none but he, to marry with Nan Page. - That Slender, though well landed, is an idiot; - And he my husband best of all affects. - The Doctor is well money'd, and his friends - Potent at court; he, none but he, shall have her, - Though twenty thousand worthier come to crave her. Exit - -SCENE 5. - -The Garter Inn - -Enter HOST and SIMPLE - - HOST. What wouldst thou have, boor? What, thick-skin? - Speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick, snap. - SIMPLE. Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff - from Master Slender. - HOST. There's his chamber, his house, his castle, his - standing-bed and truckle-bed; 'tis painted about with the - story of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Go, knock and can; he'll - speak like an Anthropophaginian unto thee. Knock, I say. - SIMPLE. There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into - his chamber; I'll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come down; - I come to speak with her, indeed. - HOST. Ha! a fat woman? The knight may be robb'd. I'll call. - Bully knight! Bully Sir John! Speak from thy lungs - military. Art thou there? It is thine host, thine Ephesian, calls. - FALSTAFF. [Above] How now, mine host? - HOST. Here's a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down of - thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let her descend; - my chambers are honourible. Fie, privacy, fie! - - Enter FALSTAFF - - FALSTAFF. There was, mine host, an old fat woman even - now with, me; but she's gone. - SIMPLE. Pray you, sir, was't not the wise woman of - Brainford? - FALSTAFF. Ay, marry was it, mussel-shell. What would you - with her? - SIMPLE. My master, sir, my Master Slender, sent to her, - seeing her go thorough the streets, to know, sir, whether one - Nym, sir, that beguil'd him of a chain, had the chain or no. - FALSTAFF. I spake with the old woman about it. - SIMPLE. And what says she, I pray, sir? - FALSTAFF Marry, she says that the very same man that - beguil'd Master Slender of his chain cozen'd him of it. - SIMPLE. I would I could have spoken with the woman - herself; I had other things to have spoken with her too, - from him. - FALSTAFF. What are they? Let us know. - HOST. Ay, come; quick. - SIMPLE. I may not conceal them, sir. - FALSTAFF. Conceal them, or thou diest. - SIMPLE. Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress - Anne Page: to know if it were my master's fortune to - have her or no. - FALSTAFF. 'Tis, 'tis his fortune. - SIMPLE. What sir? - FALSTAFF. To have her, or no. Go; say the woman told me - so. - SIMPLE. May I be bold to say so, sir? - FALSTAFF. Ay, sir, like who more bold? - SIMPLE., I thank your worship; I shall make my master glad - with these tidings. Exit SIMPLE - HOST. Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was - there a wise woman with thee? - FALSTAFF. Ay, that there was, mine host; one that hath - taught me more wit than ever I learn'd before in my life; - and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for my - learning. - - Enter BARDOLPH - - BARDOLPH. Out, alas, sir, cozenage, mere cozenage! - HOST. Where be my horses? Speak well of them, varletto. - BARDOLPH. Run away with the cozeners; for so soon as I - came beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind one of - them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs and away, like - three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses. - HOST. They are gone but to meet the Duke, villain; do not - say they be fled. Germans are honest men. - - Enter SIR HUGH EVANS - - EVANS. Where is mine host? - HOST. What is the matter, sir? - EVANS. Have a care of your entertainments. There is a friend - of mine come to town tells me there is three - cozen-germans that has cozen'd all the hosts of Readins, - of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and money. I tell you for - good will, look you; you are wise, and full of gibes and - vlouting-stogs, and 'tis not convenient you should be - cozened. Fare you well. Exit - - Enter DOCTOR CAIUS - - CAIUS. Vere is mine host de Jarteer? - HOST. Here, Master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful - dilemma. - CAIUS. I cannot tell vat is dat; but it is tell-a me dat you - make grand preparation for a Duke de Jamany. By my - trot, dere is no duke that the court is know to come; I - tell you for good will. Adieu. Exit - HOST. Hue and cry, villain, go! Assist me, knight; I am - undone. Fly, run, hue and cry, villain; I am undone. - Exeunt HOST and BARDOLPH - FALSTAFF. I would all the world might be cozen'd, for I have - been cozen'd and beaten too. If it should come to the car - of the court how I have been transformed, and how my - transformation hath been wash'd and cudgell'd, they - would melt me out of my fat, drop by drop, and liquor - fishermen's boots with me; I warrant they would whip me - with their fine wits till I were as crestfall'n as a dried pear. - I never prosper'd since I forswore myself at primero. Well, - if my wind were but long enough to say my prayers, - would repent. - - Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY - - Now! whence come you? - QUICKLY. From the two parties, forsooth. - FALSTAFF. The devil take one party and his dam the other! - And so they shall be both bestowed. I have suffer'd more - for their sakes, more than the villainous inconstancy of - man's disposition is able to bear. - QUICKLY. And have not they suffer'd? Yes, I warrant; - speciously one of them; Mistress Ford, good heart, is beaten - black and blue, that you cannot see a white spot about her. - FALSTAFF. What tell'st thou me of black and blue? I was - beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow; and - was like to be apprehended for the witch of Brainford. But - that my admirable dexterity of wit, my counterfeiting the - action of an old woman, deliver'd me, the knave constable - had set me i' th' stocks, i' th' common stocks, for a witch. - QUICKLY. Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber; you - shall hear how things go, and, I warrant, to your content. - Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good hearts, what ado - here is to bring you together! Sure, one of you does not - serve heaven well, that you are so cross'd. - FALSTAFF. Come up into my chamber. Exeunt - -SCENE 6. - -The Garter Inn - -Enter FENTON and HOST - - HOST. Master Fenton, talk not to me; my mind is heavy; I - will give over all. - FENTON. Yet hear me speak. Assist me in my purpose, - And, as I am a gentleman, I'll give the - A hundred pound in gold more than your loss. - HOST. I will hear you, Master Fenton; and I will, at the least, - keep your counsel. - FENTON. From time to time I have acquainted you - With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page; - Who, mutually, hath answer'd my affection, - So far forth as herself might be her chooser, - Even to my wish. I have a letter from her - Of such contents as you will wonder at; - The mirth whereof so larded with my matter - That neither, singly, can be manifested - Without the show of both. Fat Falstaff - Hath a great scene. The image of the jest - I'll show you here at large. Hark, good mine host: - To-night at Heme's oak, just 'twixt twelve and one, - Must my sweet Nan present the Fairy Queen- - The purpose why is here-in which disguise, - While other jests are something rank on foot, - Her father hath commanded her to slip - Away with Slender, and with him at Eton - Immediately to marry; she hath consented. - Now, sir, - Her mother, even strong against that match - And firm for Doctor Caius, hath appointed - That he shall likewise shuffle her away - While other sports are tasking of their minds, - And at the dean'ry, where a priest attends, - Straight marry her. To this her mother's plot - She seemingly obedient likewise hath - Made promise to the doctor. Now thus it rests: - Her father means she shall be all in white; - And in that habit, when Slender sees his time - To take her by the hand and bid her go, - She shall go with him; her mother hath intended - The better to denote her to the doctor- - For they must all be mask'd and vizarded- - That quaint in green she shall be loose enrob'd, - With ribands pendent, flaring 'bout her head; - And when the doctor spies his vantage ripe, - To pinch her by the hand, and, on that token, - The maid hath given consent to go with him. - HOST. Which means she to deceive, father or mother? - FENTON. Both, my good host, to go along with me. - And here it rests-that you'll procure the vicar - To stay for me at church, 'twixt twelve and one, - And in the lawful name of marrying, - To give our hearts united ceremony. - HOST. Well, husband your device; I'll to the vicar. - Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest. - FENTON. So shall I evermore be bound to thee; - Besides, I'll make a present recompense. Exeunt - -ACT V. SCENE 1. - -The Garter Inn - -Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS QUICKLY - - FALSTAFF. Prithee, no more prattling; go. I'll, hold. This is - the third time; I hope good luck lies in odd numbers. - Away, go; they say there is divinity in odd numbers, either - in nativity, chance, or death. Away. - QUICKLY. I'll provide you a chain, and I'll do what I can to - get you a pair of horns. - FALSTAFF. Away, I say; time wears; hold up your head, and - mince. Exit MRS. QUICKLY - - Enter FORD disguised - - How now, Master Brook. Master Brook, the matter will - be known tonight or never. Be you in the Park about - midnight, at Herne's oak, and you shall see wonders. - FORD. Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as you told me - you had appointed? - FALSTAFF. I went to her, Master Brook, as you see, like a - poor old man; but I came from her, Master Brook, like a - poor old woman. That same knave Ford, her husband, hath - the finest mad devil of jealousy in him, Master Brook, that - ever govern'd frenzy. I will tell you-he beat me grievously - in the shape of a woman; for in the shape of man, Master - Brook, I fear not Goliath with a weaver's beam; because - I know also life is a shuttle. I am in haste; go along with - me; I'll. tell you all, Master Brook. Since I pluck'd geese, - play'd truant, and whipp'd top, I knew not what 'twas to - be beaten till lately. Follow me. I'll tell you strange things - of this knave-Ford, on whom to-night I will be revenged, - and I will deliver his wife into your hand. Follow. Strange - things in hand, Master Brook! Follow. Exeunt - -SCENE 2. - -Windsor Park - -Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER - - PAGE. Come, come; we'll couch i' th' Castle ditch till we - see the light of our fairies. Remember, son Slender, my daughter. - SLENDER. Ay, forsooth; I have spoke with her, and we have - a nay-word how to know one another. I come to her in - white and cry 'mum'; she cries 'budget,' and by that we - know one another. - SHALLOW. That's good too; but what needs either your mum - or her budget? The white will decipher her well enough. - It hath struck ten o'clock. - PAGE. The night is dark; light and spirits will become it well. - Heaven prosper our sport! No man means evil but the - devil, and we shall know him by his horns. Let's away; - follow me. Exeunt - -SCENE 3. - -A street leading to the Park - -Enter MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and DOCTOR CAIUS - - MRS. PAGE. Master Doctor, my daughter is in green; when - you see your time, take her by the hand, away with her to - the deanery, and dispatch it quickly. Go before into the - Park; we two must go together. - CAIUS. I know vat I have to do; adieu. - MRS. PAGE. Fare you well, sir. [Exit CAIUS] My husband - will not rejoice so much at the abuse of Falstaff as he will - chafe at the doctor's marrying my daughter; but 'tis no - matter; better a little chiding than a great deal of - heartbreak. - MRS. FORD. Where is Nan now, and her troop of fairies, and - the Welsh devil, Hugh? - MRS. PAGE. They are all couch'd in a pit hard by Heme's - oak, with obscur'd lights; which, at the very instant of - Falstaff's and our meeting, they will at once display to the - night. - MRS. FORD. That cannot choose but amaze him. - MRS. PAGE. If he be not amaz'd, he will be mock'd; if he be - amaz'd, he will every way be mock'd. - MRS. FORD. We'll betray him finely. - MRS. PAGE. Against such lewdsters and their lechery, - Those that betray them do no treachery. - MRS. FORD. The hour draws on. To the oak, to the oak! - Exeunt +Contents + + ACT I + Scene I. Windsor. Before Page’s house + Scene II. The same + Scene III. A room in the Garter Inn + Scene IV. A room in Doctor Caius’s house + + ACT II + Scene I. Before Page’s house + Scene II. A room in the Garter Inn + Scene III. A field near Windsor + + ACT III + Scene I. A field near Frogmore + Scene II. A street in Windsor + Scene III. A room in Ford’s house + Scene IV. A room in Page’s house + Scene V. A room in the Garter Inn + + ACT IV + Scene I. The street + Scene II. A room in Ford’s house + Scene III. A room in the Garter Inn + Scene IV. A room in Ford’s house + Scene V. A room in the Garter Inn + Scene VI. Another room in the Garter Inn + + ACT V + Scene I. A room in the Garter Inn + Scene II. Windsor Park + Scene III. The street in Windsor + Scene IV. Windsor Park + Scene V. Another part of the Park + + + + +Dramatis Personæ + +HOST of the Garter Inn +SIR JOHN FALSTAFF +ROBIN, page to Falstaff +BARDOLPH, follower of Falstaff +PISTOL, follower of Falstaff +NYM, follower of Falstaff + +Robert SHALLOW, a country justice +Abraham SLENDER, cousin to Shallow +Peter SIMPLE, servant to Slender +FENTON, a young gentleman + +George PAGE, a Gentleman dwelling at Windsor +MISTRESS PAGE, his wife +MISTRESS ANNE PAGE, her daughter, in love with Fenton +WILLIAM PAGE, a boy, son to Page + +Frank FORD, a Gentleman dwelling at Windsor +MISTRESS FORD, his wife + + +SIR HUGH EVANS, a Welsh parson +DOCTOR CAIUS, a French physician +MISTRESS QUICKLY, servant to Doctor Caius +John RUGBY, servant to Doctor Caius + +SERVANTS to Page, Ford, &c. + +SCENE: Windsor and the neighbourhood + + + + +ACT I + +SCENE I. Windsor. Before Page’s house + + +Enter Justice Shallow, Slender and Sir Hugh Evans. + +SHALLOW. +Sir Hugh, persuade me not; I will make a Star Chamber matter of it; if +he were twenty Sir John Falstaffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, +esquire. + +SLENDER. +In the county of Gloucester, Justice of Peace, and “coram.” + +SHALLOW. +Ay, cousin Slender, and “cust-alorum.” + +SLENDER. +Ay, and “rato-lorum” too; and a gentleman born, Master Parson, who +writes himself “armigero” in any bill, warrant, quittance, or +obligation—“armigero.” + +SHALLOW. +Ay, that I do; and have done anytime these three hundred years. + +SLENDER. +All his successors, gone before him, hath done’t; and all his +ancestors, that come after him, may: they may give the dozen white +luces in their coat. + +SHALLOW. +It is an old coat. + +EVANS. +The dozen white louses do become an old coat well; it agrees well, +passant; it is a familiar beast to man, and signifies love. + +SHALLOW. +The luce is the fresh fish; the salt fish is an old coat. + +SLENDER. +I may quarter, coz? + +SHALLOW. +You may, by marrying. + +EVANS. +It is marring indeed, if he quarter it. + +SHALLOW. +Not a whit. + +EVANS. +Yes, py’r lady! If he has a quarter of your coat, there is but three +skirts for yourself, in my simple conjectures; but that is all one. If +Sir John Falstaff have committed disparagements unto you, I am of the +church, and will be glad to do my benevolence to make atonements and +compremises between you. + +SHALLOW. +The Council shall hear it; it is a riot. + +EVANS. +It is not meet the Council hear a riot; there is no fear of Got in a +riot; the Council, look you, shall desire to hear the fear of Got, and +not to hear a riot; take your vizaments in that. + +SHALLOW. +Ha! o’ my life, if I were young again, the sword should end it. + +EVANS. +It is petter that friends is the sword and end it; and there is also +another device in my prain, which peradventure prings goot discretions +with it. There is Anne Page, which is daughter to Master George Page, +which is pretty virginity. + +SLENDER. +Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and speaks small like a woman. + +EVANS. +It is that fery person for all the orld, as just as you will desire; +and seven hundred pounds of moneys, and gold, and silver, is her +grandsire upon his death’s-bed—Got deliver to a joyful +resurrections!—give, when she is able to overtake seventeen years old. +It were a goot motion if we leave our pribbles and prabbles, and desire +a marriage between Master Abraham and Mistress Anne Page. + +SHALLOW. +Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred pound? + +EVANS. +Ay, and her father is make her a petter penny. + +SHALLOW. +I know the young gentlewoman; she has good gifts. + +EVANS. +Seven hundred pounds, and possibilities, is goot gifts. + +SHALLOW. +Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff there? + +EVANS. +Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I do despise one that is +false; or as I despise one that is not true. The knight Sir John is +there; and, I beseech you, be ruled by your well-willers. I will peat +the door for Master Page. + +[_Knocks._] + +What, hoa! Got pless your house here! + +PAGE. +[_Within_.] Who’s there? + +EVANS. +Here is Got’s plessing, and your friend, and Justice Shallow; and here +young Master Slender, that peradventures shall tell you another tale, +if matters grow to your likings. + +Enter Page. + +PAGE. +I am glad to see your worships well. I thank you for my venison, Master +Shallow. + +SHALLOW. +Master Page, I am glad to see you; much good do it your good heart! I +wished your venison better; it was ill killed. How doth good Mistress +Page?—and I thank you always with my heart, la! with my heart. + +PAGE. +Sir, I thank you. + +SHALLOW. +Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do. + +PAGE. +I am glad to see you, good Master Slender. + +SLENDER. +How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard say he was outrun on +Cotsall. + +PAGE. +It could not be judged, sir. + +SLENDER. +You’ll not confess, you’ll not confess. + +SHALLOW. +That he will not: ’tis your fault; ’tis your fault. ’Tis a good dog. + +PAGE. +A cur, sir. + +SHALLOW. +Sir, he’s a good dog, and a fair dog; can there be more said? he is +good, and fair. Is Sir John Falstaff here? + +PAGE. +Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a good office between you. + +EVANS. +It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak. + +SHALLOW. +He hath wronged me, Master Page. + +PAGE. +Sir, he doth in some sort confess it. + +SHALLOW. +If it be confessed, it is not redressed: is not that so, Master Page? +He hath wronged me; indeed he hath;—at a word, he hath,—believe me; +Robert Shallow, esquire, saith he is wronged. + +PAGE. +Here comes Sir John. + +Enter Sir John Falstaff, Bardolph, Nym and Pistol. + +FALSTAFF. +Now, Master Shallow, you’ll complain of me to the King? + +SHALLOW. +Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my deer, and broke open my +lodge. + +FALSTAFF. +But not kiss’d your keeper’s daughter? + +SHALLOW. +Tut, a pin! this shall be answered. + +FALSTAFF. +I will answer it straight: I have done all this. That is now answered. + +SHALLOW. +The Council shall know this. + +FALSTAFF. +’Twere better for you if it were known in counsel: you’ll be laughed +at. + +EVANS. +Pauca verba, Sir John; goot worts. + +FALSTAFF. +Good worts! good cabbage! Slender, I broke your head; what matter have +you against me? + +SLENDER. +Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you; and against your +cony-catching rascals, Bardolph, Nym, and Pistol. They carried me to +the tavern, and made me drunk, and afterwards picked my pocket. + +BARDOLPH. +You Banbury cheese! + +SLENDER. +Ay, it is no matter. + +PISTOL. +How now, Mephostophilus! + +SLENDER. +Ay, it is no matter. + +NYM. +Slice, I say! pauca, pauca; slice! That’s my humour. + +SLENDER. +Where’s Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin? + +EVANS. +Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand. There is three umpires in +this matter, as I understand: that is—Master Page, fidelicet Master +Page; and there is myself, fidelicet myself; and the three party is, +lastly and finally, mine host of the Garter. + +PAGE. +We three to hear it and end it between them. + +EVANS. +Fery goot: I will make a prief of it in my note-book; and we will +afterwards ork upon the cause with as great discreetly as we can. + +FALSTAFF. +Pistol! + +PISTOL. +He hears with ears. + +EVANS. +The tevil and his tam! what phrase is this, “He hears with ear”? Why, +it is affectations. + +FALSTAFF. +Pistol, did you pick Master Slender’s purse? + +SLENDER. +Ay, by these gloves, did he—or I would I might never come in mine own +great chamber again else!—of seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two +Edward shovel-boards that cost me two shilling and two pence a-piece of +Yead Miller, by these gloves. + +FALSTAFF. +Is this true, Pistol? + +EVANS. +No, it is false, if it is a pick-purse. + +PISTOL. +Ha, thou mountain-foreigner!—Sir John and master mine, +I combat challenge of this latten bilbo. +Word of denial in thy labras here! +Word of denial! Froth and scum, thou liest. + +SLENDER. +By these gloves, then, ’twas he. + +NYM. +Be avised, sir, and pass good humours; I will say “marry trap” with +you, if you run the nuthook’s humour on me; that is the very note of +it. + +SLENDER. +By this hat, then, he in the red face had it; for though I cannot +remember what I did when you made me drunk, yet I am not altogether an +ass. + +FALSTAFF. +What say you, Scarlet and John? + +BARDOLPH. +Why, sir, for my part, I say the gentleman had drunk himself out of his +five sentences. + +EVANS. +It is his “five senses”; fie, what the ignorance is! + +BARDOLPH. +And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashier’d; and so conclusions +passed the careires. + +SLENDER. +Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but ’tis no matter; I’ll ne’er be +drunk whilst I live again, but in honest, civil, godly company, for +this trick; if I be drunk, I’ll be drunk with those that have the fear +of God, and not with drunken knaves. + +EVANS. +So Got udge me, that is a virtuous mind. + +FALSTAFF. +You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen; you hear it. + +Enter Anne Page with wine; Mistress Ford and Mistress Page following. + +PAGE +Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we’ll drink within. + +[_Exit Anne Page._] + +SLENDER +O heaven! this is Mistress Anne Page. + +PAGE. +How now, Mistress Ford! + +FALSTAFF. +Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well met; by your leave, good +mistress. + +[_Kissing her._] + +PAGE. +Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have a hot venison pasty to +dinner; come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness. + +[_Exeunt all but Shallow, Slender and Evans._] + +SLENDER. +I had rather than forty shillings I had my Book of Songs and Sonnets +here. + +Enter Simple. + +How, Simple! Where have you been? I must wait on myself, must I? You +have not the Book of Riddles about you, have you? + +SIMPLE. +Book of Riddles! why, did you not lend it to Alice Shortcake upon +Allhallowmas last, a fortnight afore Michaelmas? + +SHALLOW. +Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you. A word with you, coz; marry, +this, coz: there is, as ’twere, a tender, a kind of tender, made afar +off by Sir Hugh here: do you understand me? + +SLENDER. +Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be so, I shall do that +that is reason. + +SHALLOW. +Nay, but understand me. + +SLENDER. +So I do, sir. + +EVANS. +Give ear to his motions, Master Slender: I will description the matter +to you, if you pe capacity of it. + +SLENDER. +Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says; I pray you pardon me; he’s a +justice of peace in his country, simple though I stand here. + +EVANS. +But that is not the question; the question is concerning your marriage. + +SHALLOW. +Ay, there’s the point, sir. + +EVANS. +Marry is it; the very point of it; to Mistress Anne Page. + +SLENDER. +Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any reasonable demands. + +EVANS. +But can you affection the ’oman? Let us command to know that of your +mouth or of your lips; for divers philosophers hold that the lips is +parcel of the mouth: therefore, precisely, can you carry your good will +to the maid? + +SHALLOW. +Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her? + +SLENDER. +I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one that would do reason. + +EVANS. +Nay, Got’s lords and his ladies! you must speak possitable, if you can +carry her your desires towards her. + +SHALLOW. +That you must. Will you, upon good dowry, marry her? + +SLENDER. +I will do a greater thing than that upon your request, cousin, in any +reason. + +SHALLOW. +Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz; what I do is to pleasure you, +coz. Can you love the maid? + +SLENDER. +I will marry her, sir, at your request; but if there be no great love +in the beginning, yet heaven may decrease it upon better acquaintance, +when we are married and have more occasion to know one another; I hope +upon familiarity will grow more contempt. But if you say “Marry her,” I +will marry her; that I am freely dissolved, and dissolutely. + +EVANS. +It is a fery discretion answer; save, the fall is in the ort +“dissolutely:” the ort is, according to our meaning, “resolutely.” His +meaning is good. + +SHALLOW. +Ay, I think my cousin meant well. + +SLENDER. +Ay, or else I would I might be hanged, la! + +SHALLOW. +Here comes fair Mistress Anne. + +Re-enter Anne Page. + +Would I were young for your sake, Mistress Anne! + +ANNE. +The dinner is on the table; my father desires your worships’ company. + +SHALLOW. +I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne! + +EVANS. +Od’s plessed will! I will not be absence at the grace. + +[_Exeunt Shallow and Evans._] + +ANNE +Will’t please your worship to come in, sir? + +SLENDER. +No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very well. + +ANNE. +The dinner attends you, sir. + +SLENDER. +I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. Go, sirrah, for all you are +my man, go wait upon my cousin Shallow. + +[_Exit Simple._] + +A justice of peace sometime may be beholding to his friend for a man. I +keep but three men and a boy yet, till my mother be dead. But what +though? Yet I live like a poor gentleman born. + +ANNE. +I may not go in without your worship: they will not sit till you come. + +SLENDER. +I’ faith, I’ll eat nothing; I thank you as much as though I did. + +ANNE. +I pray you, sir, walk in. + +SLENDER. +I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised my shin th’ other day +with playing at sword and dagger with a master of fence; three veneys +for a dish of stewed prunes—and, by my troth, I cannot abide the smell +of hot meat since. Why do your dogs bark so? Be there bears i’ the +town? + +ANNE. +I think there are, sir; I heard them talked of. + +SLENDER. +I love the sport well; but I shall as soon quarrel at it as any man in +England. You are afraid, if you see the bear loose, are you not? + +ANNE. +Ay, indeed, sir. + +SLENDER. +That’s meat and drink to me now. I have seen Sackerson loose twenty +times, and have taken him by the chain; but I warrant you, the women +have so cried and shrieked at it that it passed; but women, indeed, +cannot abide ’em; they are very ill-favoured rough things. + +Re-enter Page. + +PAGE +Come, gentle Master Slender, come; we stay for you. + +SLENDER. +I’ll eat nothing, I thank you, sir. + +PAGE. +By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! come, come. + +SLENDER. +Nay, pray you lead the way. + +PAGE. +Come on, sir. + +SLENDER. +Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first. + +ANNE. +Not I, sir; pray you keep on. + +SLENDER. +Truly, I will not go first; truly, la! I will not do you that wrong. + +ANNE. +I pray you, sir. + +SLENDER. +I’ll rather be unmannerly than troublesome. You do yourself wrong +indeed, la! + +[_Exeunt._] + +SCENE II. The same + +Enter Sir Hugh Evans and Simple. + +EVANS. +Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius’ house which is the way; and +there dwells one Mistress Quickly, which is in the manner of his nurse, +or his dry nurse, or his cook, or his laundry, his washer, and his +wringer. + +SIMPLE. +Well, sir. + +EVANS. +Nay, it is petter yet. Give her this letter; for it is a ’oman that +altogether’s acquaintance with Mistress Anne Page; and the letter is to +desire and require her to solicit your master’s desires to Mistress +Anne Page. I pray you be gone: I will make an end of my dinner; there’s +pippins and cheese to come. + +[_Exeunt._] + +SCENE III. A room in the Garter Inn + +Enter Falstaff, Host, Bardolph, Nym, Pistol and Robin. + +FALSTAFF. +Mine host of the Garter! + +HOST. +What says my bully rook? Speak scholarly and wisely. + +FALSTAFF. +Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my followers. + +HOST. +Discard, bully Hercules; cashier; let them wag; trot, trot. + +FALSTAFF. +I sit at ten pounds a week. + +HOST. +Thou’rt an emperor, Caesar, Keiser, and Pheazar. I will entertain +Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall tap; said I well, bully Hector? + +FALSTAFF. +Do so, good mine host. + +HOST. +I have spoke; let him follow. [_To Bardolph_.] Let me see thee froth +and lime. I am at a word; follow. + +[_Exit Host._] + +FALSTAFF +Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade; an old cloak makes a +new jerkin; a withered serving-man a fresh tapster. Go; adieu. + +BARDOLPH. +It is a life that I have desired; I will thrive. + +PISTOL. +O base Hungarian wight! Wilt thou the spigot wield? + +[_Exit Bardolph._] + +NYM +He was gotten in drink. Is not the humour conceited? + +FALSTAFF. +I am glad I am so acquit of this tinder-box: his thefts were too open; +his filching was like an unskilful singer—he kept not time. + +NYM. +The good humour is to steal at a minim’s rest. + +PISTOL. +“Convey” the wise it call. “Steal!” foh! A fico for the phrase! + +FALSTAFF. +Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels. + +PISTOL. +Why, then, let kibes ensue. + +FALSTAFF. +There is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must shift. + +PISTOL. +Young ravens must have food. + +FALSTAFF. +Which of you know Ford of this town? + +PISTOL. +I ken the wight; he is of substance good. + +FALSTAFF. +My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about. + +PISTOL. +Two yards, and more. + +FALSTAFF. +No quips now, Pistol. Indeed, I am in the waist two yards about; but I +am now about no waste; I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make +love to Ford’s wife; I spy entertainment in her; she discourses, she +carves, she gives the leer of invitation; I can construe the action of +her familiar style; and the hardest voice of her behaviour, to be +Englished rightly, is “I am Sir John Falstaff’s.” + +PISTOL. +He hath studied her will, and translated her will out of honesty into +English. + +NYM. +The anchor is deep; will that humour pass? + +FALSTAFF. +Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her husband’s purse; he +hath a legion of angels. + +PISTOL. +As many devils entertain; and “To her, boy,” say I. + +NYM. +The humour rises; it is good; humour me the angels. + +FALSTAFF. +I have writ me here a letter to her; and here another to Page’s wife, +who even now gave me good eyes too, examined my parts with most +judicious oeillades; sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot, +sometimes my portly belly. + +PISTOL. +Then did the sun on dunghill shine. + +NYM. +I thank thee for that humour. + +FALSTAFF. +O! she did so course o’er my exteriors with such a greedy intention +that the appetite of her eye did seem to scorch me up like a +burning-glass. Here’s another letter to her: she bears the purse too; +she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will be cheator to +them both, and they shall be exchequers to me; they shall be my East +and West Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go, bear thou this +letter to Mistress Page; and thou this to Mistress Ford. We will +thrive, lads, we will thrive. + +PISTOL. +Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become, +And by my side wear steel? then Lucifer take all! + +NYM. +I will run no base humour. Here, take the humour-letter; I will keep +the haviour of reputation. + +FALSTAFF. +[_To Robin_.] Hold, sirrah; bear you these letters tightly; +Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores. +Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go; +Trudge, plod away o’ hoof; seek shelter, pack! +Falstaff will learn the humour of this age; +French thrift, you rogues; myself, and skirted page. + +[_Exeunt Falstaff and Robin._] + +PISTOL +Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam holds, +And high and low beguile the rich and poor; +Tester I’ll have in pouch when thou shalt lack, +Base Phrygian Turk! + +NYM. +I have operations in my head which be humours of revenge. + +PISTOL. +Wilt thou revenge? + +NYM. +By welkin and her star! + +PISTOL. +With wit or steel? + +NYM. +With both the humours, I: +I will discuss the humour of this love to Page. + +PISTOL. +And I to Ford shall eke unfold +How Falstaff, varlet vile, +His dove will prove, his gold will hold, +And his soft couch defile. + +NYM. +My humour shall not cool: I will incense Page to deal with poison; I +will possess him with yellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous: +that is my true humour. + +PISTOL. +Thou art the Mars of malcontents; I second thee; troop on. + +[_Exeunt._] + +SCENE IV. A room in Doctor Caius’s house + +Enter Mistress Quickly and Simple. + +QUICKLY. +What, John Rugby! + +Enter Rugby. + +I pray thee go to the casement, and see if you can see my master, +Master Doctor Caius, coming: if he do, i’ faith, and find anybody in +the house, here will be an old abusing of God’s patience and the King’s +English. + +RUGBY. +I’ll go watch. + +QUICKLY. +Go; and we’ll have a posset for’t soon at night, in faith, at the +latter end of a sea-coal fire. + +[_Exit Rugby._] + +An honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant shall come in house +withal; and, I warrant you, no tell-tale nor no breed-bate; his worst +fault is that he is given to prayer; he is something peevish that way; +but nobody but has his fault; but let that pass. Peter Simple you say +your name is? + +SIMPLE. +Ay, for fault of a better. + +QUICKLY. +And Master Slender’s your master? + +SIMPLE. +Ay, forsooth. + +QUICKLY. +Does he not wear a great round beard, like a glover’s paring-knife? + +SIMPLE. +No, forsooth; he hath but a little whey face, with a little yellow +beard—a cane-coloured beard. + +QUICKLY. +A softly-sprighted man, is he not? + +SIMPLE. +Ay, forsooth; but he is as tall a man of his hands as any is between +this and his head; he hath fought with a warrener. + +QUICKLY. +How say you?—O! I should remember him. Does he not hold up his head, as +it were, and strut in his gait? + +SIMPLE. +Yes, indeed, does he. + +QUICKLY. +Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune! Tell Master Parson Evans +I will do what I can for your master: Anne is a good girl, and I wish— + +Re-enter Rugby. + +RUGBY +Out, alas! here comes my master. + +QUICKLY. +We shall all be shent. Run in here, good young man; go into this +closet. [_Shuts Simple in the closet_.] He will not stay long. What, +John Rugby! John! what, John, I say! Go, John, go inquire for my +master; I doubt he be not well that he comes not home. + +[_Exit Rugby._] + +[_Sings>_.] And down, down, adown-a, &c. + +Enter Doctor Caius. + +CAIUS +Vat is you sing? I do not like des toys. Pray you, go and vetch me in +my closet une boitine verde—a box, a green-a box: do intend vat I +speak? a green-a box. + +QUICKLY. +Ay, forsooth, I’ll fetch it you. +[_Aside_.] I am glad he went not in himself: if he had found the young +man, he would have been horn-mad. + +CAIUS. +Fe, fe, fe fe! ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Je m’en vais a la cour—la +grande affaire. + +QUICKLY. +Is it this, sir? + +CAIUS. +Oui; mettez le au mon pocket: depechez, quickly—Vere is dat knave, +Rugby? + +QUICKLY. +What, John Rugby? John! + +Re-enter Rugby. + +RUGBY +Here, sir. + +CAIUS. +You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby: come, take-a your rapier, +and come after my heel to de court. + +RUGBY. +’Tis ready, sir, here in the porch. + +CAIUS. +By my trot, I tarry too long—Od’s me! Qu’ay j’oublie? Dere is some +simples in my closet dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave behind. + +QUICKLY. +[_Aside_.] Ay me, he’ll find the young man there, and be mad! + +CAIUS. +O diable, diable! vat is in my closet?—Villainy! larron! [_Pulling +Simple out_.] Rugby, my rapier! + +QUICKLY. +Good master, be content. + +CAIUS. +Verefore shall I be content-a? + +QUICKLY. +The young man is an honest man. + +CAIUS. +What shall de honest man do in my closet? dere is no honest man dat +shall come in my closet. + +QUICKLY. +I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic. Hear the truth of it: he came of +an errand to me from Parson Hugh. + +CAIUS. +Vell. + +SIMPLE. +Ay, forsooth, to desire her to— + +QUICKLY. +Peace, I pray you. + +CAIUS. +Peace-a your tongue!—Speak-a your tale. + +SIMPLE. +To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid, to speak a good word to +Mistress Anne Page for my master, in the way of marriage. + +QUICKLY. +This is all, indeed, la! but I’ll ne’er put my finger in the fire, and +need not. + +CAIUS. +Sir Hugh send-a you?—Rugby, baillez me some paper: tarry you a little-a +while. + +[_Writes._] + +QUICKLY. +I am glad he is so quiet: if he had been throughly moved, you should +have heard him so loud and so melancholy. But notwithstanding, man, +I’ll do you your master what good I can; and the very yea and the no +is, the French doctor, my master—I may call him my master, look you, +for I keep his house; and I wash, wring, brew, bake, scour, dress meat +and drink, make the beds, and do all myself— + +SIMPLE. +’Tis a great charge to come under one body’s hand. + +QUICKLY. +Are you avis’d o’ that? You shall find it a great charge; and to be up +early and down late; but notwithstanding,—to tell you in your ear,—I +would have no words of it—my master himself is in love with Mistress +Anne Page; but notwithstanding that, I know Anne’s mind, that’s neither +here nor there. + +CAIUS. +You jack’nape; give-a dis letter to Sir Hugh; by gar, it is a +shallenge: I will cut his troat in de Park; and I will teach a scurvy +jack-a-nape priest to meddle or make. You may be gone; it is not good +you tarry here: by gar, I will cut all his two stones; by gar, he shall +not have a stone to throw at his dog. + +[_Exit Simple._] + +QUICKLY +Alas, he speaks but for his friend. + +CAIUS. +It is no matter-a ver dat:—do not you tell-a me dat I shall have Anne +Page for myself? By gar, I vill kill de Jack priest; and I have +appointed mine host of de Jartiere to measure our weapon. By gar, I +vill myself have Anne Page. + +QUICKLY. +Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well. We must give folks +leave to prate: what, the good-jer! + +CAIUS. +Rugby, come to the court vit me. By gar, if I have not Anne Page, I +shall turn your head out of my door. Follow my heels, Rugby. + +[_Exeunt Caius and Rugby._] + +QUICKLY +You shall have An fool’s-head of your own. No, I know Anne’s mind for +that: never a woman in Windsor knows more of Anne’s mind than I do; nor +can do more than I do with her, I thank heaven. + +FENTON. +[_Within_.] Who’s within there? ho! + +QUICKLY. +Who’s there, I trow? Come near the house, I pray you. + +Enter Fenton. + +FENTON +How now, good woman! how dost thou? + +QUICKLY. +The better, that it pleases your good worship to ask. + +FENTON. +What news? how does pretty Mistress Anne? + +QUICKLY. +In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest, and gentle; and one that +is your friend, I can tell you that by the way; I praise heaven for it. + +FENTON. +Shall I do any good, thinkest thou? Shall I not lose my suit? + +QUICKLY. +Troth, sir, all is in His hands above; but notwithstanding, Master +Fenton, I’ll be sworn on a book she loves you. Have not your worship a +wart above your eye? + +FENTON. +Yes, marry, have I; what of that? + +QUICKLY. +Well, thereby hangs a tale; good faith, it is such another Nan; but, I +detest, an honest maid as ever broke bread. We had an hour’s talk of +that wart; I shall never laugh but in that maid’s company;—but, indeed, +she is given too much to allicholy and musing. But for you—well, go to. + +FENTON. +Well, I shall see her today. Hold, there’s money for thee; let me have +thy voice in my behalf: if thou seest her before me, commend me. + +QUICKLY. +Will I? i’ faith, that we will; and I will tell your worship more of +the wart the next time we have confidence; and of other wooers. + +FENTON. +Well, farewell; I am in great haste now. + +QUICKLY. +Farewell to your worship.— + +[_Exit Fenton._] + +Truly, an honest gentleman; but Anne loves him not; for I know Anne’s +mind as well as another does. Out upon ’t, what have I forgot? + +[_Exit._] + + + + +ACT II + +SCENE I. Before Page’s house + + +Enter Mistress Page with a letter. + +MRS. PAGE. +What! have I scaped love-letters in the holiday-time of my beauty, and +am I now a subject for them? Let me see. + +“Ask me no reason why I love you; for though Love use Reason for his +precisian, he admits him not for his counsellor. You are not young, no +more am I; go to, then, there’s sympathy: you are merry, so am I; ha! +ha! then there’s more sympathy; you love sack, and so do I; would you +desire better sympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mistress Page, at the +least, if the love of soldier can suffice, that I love thee. I will not +say, pity me: ’tis not a soldier-like phrase; but I say, Love me. By +me, +Thine own true knight, +By day or night, +Or any kind of light, +With all his might, +For thee to fight, +JOHN FALSTAFF.” + +What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wicked, wicked world! One that is +well-nigh worn to pieces with age to show himself a young gallant. What +an unweighed behaviour hath this Flemish drunkard picked, with the +devil’s name! out of my conversation, that he dares in this manner +assay me? Why, he hath not been thrice in my company! What should I say +to him? I was then frugal of my mirth:—Heaven forgive me! Why, I’ll +exhibit a bill in the parliament for the putting down of men. How shall +I be revenged on him? for revenged I will be, as sure as his guts are +made of puddings. + +Enter Mistress Ford. + +MRS. FORD. +Mistress Page! trust me, I was going to your house. + +MRS. PAGE. +And, trust me, I was coming to you. You look very ill. + +MRS. FORD. +Nay, I’ll ne’er believe that; I have to show to the contrary. + +MRS. PAGE. +Faith, but you do, in my mind. + +MRS. FORD. +Well, I do, then; yet, I say, I could show you to the contrary. O, +Mistress Page! give me some counsel. + +MRS. PAGE. +What’s the matter, woman? + +MRS. FORD. +O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect, I could come to such +honour! + +MRS. PAGE. +Hang the trifle, woman; take the honour. What is it?—Dispense with +trifles;—what is it? + +MRS. FORD. +If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment or so, I could be +knighted. + +MRS. PAGE. +What? thou liest. Sir Alice Ford! These knights will hack; and so thou +shouldst not alter the article of thy gentry. + +MRS. FORD. +We burn daylight: here, read, read; perceive how I might be knighted. I +shall think the worse of fat men as long as I have an eye to make +difference of men’s liking: and yet he would not swear; praised women’s +modesty; and gave such orderly and well-behaved reproof to all +uncomeliness that I would have sworn his disposition would have gone to +the truth of his words; but they do no more adhere and keep place +together than the Hundredth Psalm to the tune of “Greensleeves.” What +tempest, I trow, threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in his +belly, ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revenged on him? I think the +best way were to entertain him with hope, till the wicked fire of lust +have melted him in his own grease. Did you ever hear the like? + +MRS. PAGE. +Letter for letter, but that the name of Page and Ford differs. To thy +great comfort in this mystery of ill opinions, here’s the twin-brother +of thy letter; but let thine inherit first, for, I protest, mine never +shall. I warrant he hath a thousand of these letters, writ with blank +space for different names, sure, more, and these are of the second +edition. He will print them, out of doubt; for he cares not what he +puts into the press, when he would put us two: I had rather be a +giantess and lie under Mount Pelion. Well, I will find you twenty +lascivious turtles ere one chaste man. + +MRS. FORD. +Why, this is the very same; the very hand, the very words. What doth he +think of us? + +MRS. PAGE. +Nay, I know not; it makes me almost ready to wrangle with mine own +honesty. I’ll entertain myself like one that I am not acquainted +withal; for, sure, unless he know some strain in me that I know not +myself, he would never have boarded me in this fury. + +MRS. FORD. +“Boarding” call you it? I’ll be sure to keep him above deck. + +MRS. PAGE. +So will I; if he come under my hatches, I’ll never to sea again. Let’s +be revenged on him; let’s appoint him a meeting, give him a show of +comfort in his suit, and lead him on with a fine-baited delay, till he +hath pawned his horses to mine host of the Garter. + +MRS. FORD. +Nay, I will consent to act any villainy against him that may not sully +the chariness of our honesty. O, that my husband saw this letter! It +would give eternal food to his jealousy. + +MRS. PAGE. +Why, look where he comes; and my good man too: he’s as far from +jealousy as I am from giving him cause; and that, I hope, is an +unmeasurable distance. + +MRS. FORD. +You are the happier woman. + +MRS. PAGE. +Let’s consult together against this greasy knight. Come hither. + +[_They retire._] + +Enter Ford, Pistol and Page and Nym. + +FORD +Well, I hope it be not so. + +PISTOL. +Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs: +Sir John affects thy wife. + +FORD. +Why, sir, my wife is not young. + +PISTOL. +He woos both high and low, both rich and poor, +Both young and old, one with another, Ford; +He loves the gallimaufry. Ford, perpend. + +FORD. +Love my wife! + +PISTOL. +With liver burning hot: prevent, or go thou, +Like Sir Actaeon he, with Ringwood at thy heels.— +O! odious is the name! + +FORD. +What name, sir? + +PISTOL. +The horn, I say. Farewell: +Take heed; have open eye, for thieves do foot by night; +Take heed, ere summer comes, or cuckoo birds do sing. +Away, Sir Corporal Nym. +Believe it, Page; he speaks sense. + +[_Exit Pistol._] + +FORD +[_Aside_.] I will be patient: I will find out this. + +NYM. +[_To Page_.] And this is true; I like not the humour of lying. He hath +wronged me in some humours: I should have borne the humoured letter to +her; but I have a sword, and it shall bite upon my necessity. He loves +your wife; there’s the short and the long. My name is Corporal Nym; I +speak, and I avouch ’tis true. My name is Nym, and Falstaff loves your +wife. Adieu. I love not the humour of bread and cheese; and there’s the +humour of it. Adieu. + +[_Exit Nym._] + +PAGE +[_Aside_.] “The humour of it,” quoth ’a! Here’s a fellow frights +English out of his wits. + +FORD. +I will seek out Falstaff. + +PAGE. +I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue. + +FORD. +If I do find it: well. + +PAGE. +I will not believe such a Cataian, though the priest o’ the town +commended him for a true man. + +FORD. +’Twas a good sensible fellow: well. + +PAGE. +How now, Meg! + +Mistress Page and Mistress Ford come forward. + +MRS. PAGE +Whither go you, George?—Hark you. + +MRS. FORD. +How now, sweet Frank! why art thou melancholy? + +FORD. +I melancholy! I am not melancholy. Get you home, go. + +MRS. FORD. +Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head now. Will you go, Mistress +Page? + +MRS. PAGE. +Have with you. You’ll come to dinner, George? +[_Aside to Mrs. Ford_.] Look who comes yonder: she shall be our +messenger to this paltry knight. + +MRS. FORD. +[_Aside to Mrs. Page_.] Trust me, I thought on her: she’ll fit it. + +Enter Mistress Quickly. + +MRS. PAGE +You are come to see my daughter Anne? + +QUICKLY. +Ay, forsooth; and, I pray, how does good Mistress Anne? + +MRS. PAGE. +Go in with us and see; we’d have an hour’s talk with you. + +[_Exeunt Mistress Page, Mistress Ford and Mistress Quickly._] + +PAGE +How now, Master Ford! + +FORD. +You heard what this knave told me, did you not? + +PAGE. +Yes; and you heard what the other told me? + +FORD. +Do you think there is truth in them? + +PAGE. +Hang ’em, slaves! I do not think the knight would offer it; but these +that accuse him in his intent towards our wives are a yoke of his +discarded men; very rogues, now they be out of service. + +FORD. +Were they his men? + +PAGE. +Marry, were they. + +FORD. +I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at the Garter? + +PAGE. +Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage toward my wife, I +would turn her loose to him; and what he gets more of her than sharp +words, let it lie on my head. + +FORD. +I do not misdoubt my wife; but I would be loath to turn them together. +A man may be too confident. I would have nothing “lie on my head”: I +cannot be thus satisfied. + +PAGE. +Look where my ranting host of the Garter comes. There is either liquor +in his pate or money in his purse when he looks so merrily. + +Enter Host and Shallow. + +How now, mine host! + +HOST. +How now, bully-rook! Thou’rt a gentleman. Cavaliero-justice, I say! + +SHALLOW. +I follow, mine host, I follow. Good even and twenty, good Master Page! +Master Page, will you go with us? We have sport in hand. + +HOST. +Tell him, cavaliero-justice; tell him, bully-rook. + +SHALLOW. +Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hugh the Welsh priest and +Caius the French doctor. + +FORD. +Good mine host o’ the Garter, a word with you. + +HOST. +What say’st thou, my bully-rook? + +[_They go aside._] + +SHALLOW +[_To Page_.] Will you go with us to behold it? My merry host hath had +the measuring of their weapons; and, I think, hath appointed them +contrary places; for, believe me, I hear the parson is no jester. Hark, +I will tell you what our sport shall be. + +[_They converse apart._] + +HOST +Hast thou no suit against my knight, my guest-cavaliero? + +FORD. +None, I protest: but I’ll give you a pottle of burnt sack to give me +recourse to him, and tell him my name is Brook, only for a jest. + +HOST. +My hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and regress; said I well? and +thy name shall be Brook. It is a merry knight. Will you go, mynheers? + +SHALLOW. +Have with you, mine host. + +PAGE. +I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in his rapier. + +SHALLOW. +Tut, sir! I could have told you more. In these times you stand on +distance, your passes, stoccadoes, and I know not what: ’tis the heart, +Master Page; ’tis here, ’tis here. I have seen the time with my long +sword I would have made you four tall fellows skip like rats. + +HOST. +Here, boys, here, here! Shall we wag? + +PAGE. +Have with you. I had rather hear them scold than fight. + +[_Exeunt Host, Shallow and Page._] + +FORD +Though Page be a secure fool, and stands so firmly on his wife’s +frailty, yet I cannot put off my opinion so easily. She was in his +company at Page’s house, and what they made there I know not. Well, I +will look further into ’t; and I have a disguise to sound Falstaff. If +I find her honest, I lose not my labour; if she be otherwise, ’tis +labour well bestowed. + +[_Exit._] + +SCENE II. A room in the Garter Inn + +Enter Falstaff and Pistol. + +FALSTAFF. +I will not lend thee a penny. + +PISTOL. +Why then, the world’s mine oyster, +Which I with sword will open. +I will retort the sum in equipage. + +FALSTAFF. +Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should lay my countenance to +pawn; I have grated upon my good friends for three reprieves for you +and your coach-fellow, Nym; or else you had looked through the grate, +like a geminy of baboons. I am damned in hell for swearing to gentlemen +my friends you were good soldiers and tall fellows; and when Mistress +Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took ’t upon mine honour thou +hadst it not. + +PISTOL. +Didst not thou share? Hadst thou not fifteen pence? + +FALSTAFF. +Reason, you rogue, reason. Thinkest thou I’ll endanger my soul gratis? +At a word, hang no more about me, I am no gibbet for you: go: a short +knife and a throng!—to your manor of Picht-hatch! go. You’ll not bear a +letter for me, you rogue!—you stand upon your honour!—Why, thou +unconfinable baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the terms of +my honour precise. I, I, I myself sometimes, leaving the fear of God on +the left hand, and hiding mine honour in my necessity, am fain to +shuffle, to hedge, and to lurch; and yet you, rogue, will ensconce your +rags, your cat-a-mountain looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your +bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your honour! You will not do +it, you! + +PISTOL. +I do relent; what wouldst thou more of man? + +Enter Robin. + +ROBIN +Sir, here’s a woman would speak with you. + +FALSTAFF. +Let her approach. + +Enter Mistress Quickly. + +QUICKLY +Give your worship good morrow. + +FALSTAFF. +Good morrow, good wife. + +QUICKLY. +Not so, an’t please your worship. + +FALSTAFF. +Good maid, then. + +QUICKLY. +I’ll be sworn; +As my mother was, the first hour I was born. + +FALSTAFF. +I do believe the swearer. What with me? + +QUICKLY. +Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two? + +FALSTAFF. +Two thousand, fair woman; and I’ll vouchsafe thee the hearing. + +QUICKLY. +There is one Mistress Ford, sir,—I pray, come a little nearer this +ways:—I myself dwell with Master Doctor Caius. + +FALSTAFF. +Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say,— + +QUICKLY. +Your worship says very true;—I pray your worship come a little nearer +this ways. + +FALSTAFF. +I warrant thee nobody hears—mine own people, mine own people. + +QUICKLY. +Are they so? God bless them, and make them His servants! + +FALSTAFF. +Well: Mistress Ford, what of her? + +QUICKLY. +Why, sir, she’s a good creature. Lord, Lord! your worship’s a wanton! +Well, heaven forgive you, and all of us, I pray. + +FALSTAFF. +Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford— + +QUICKLY. +Marry, this is the short and the long of it. You have brought her into +such a canaries as ’tis wonderful: the best courtier of them all, when +the court lay at Windsor, could never have brought her to such a +canary; yet there has been knights, and lords, and gentlemen, with +their coaches; I warrant you, coach after coach, letter after letter, +gift after gift; smelling so sweetly,—all musk, and so rushling, I +warrant you, in silk and gold; and in such alligant terms; and in such +wine and sugar of the best and the fairest, that would have won any +woman’s heart; and I warrant you, they could never get an eye-wink of +her. I had myself twenty angels given me this morning; but I defy all +angels, in any such sort, as they say, but in the way of honesty: and, +I warrant you, they could never get her so much as sip on a cup with +the proudest of them all; and yet there has been earls, nay, which is +more, pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one with her. + +FALSTAFF. +But what says she to me? be brief, my good she-Mercury. + +QUICKLY. +Marry, she hath received your letter; for the which she thanks you a +thousand times; and she gives you to notify that her husband will be +absence from his house between ten and eleven. + +FALSTAFF. +Ten and eleven? + +QUICKLY. +Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see the picture, she says, that +you wot of: Master Ford, her husband, will be from home. Alas! the +sweet woman leads an ill life with him; he’s a very jealousy man; she +leads a very frampold life with him, good heart. + +FALSTAFF. +Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I will not fail her. + +QUICKLY. +Why, you say well. But I have another messenger to your worship: +Mistress Page hath her hearty commendations to you too; and let me tell +you in your ear, she’s as fartuous a civil modest wife, and one, I tell +you, that will not miss you morning nor evening prayer, as any is in +Windsor, whoe’er be the other; and she bade me tell your worship that +her husband is seldom from home, but she hopes there will come a time. +I never knew a woman so dote upon a man: surely I think you have +charms, la! yes, in truth. + +FALSTAFF. +Not I, I assure thee; setting the attraction of my good parts aside, I +have no other charms. + +QUICKLY. +Blessing on your heart for ’t! + +FALSTAFF. +But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford’s wife and Page’s wife +acquainted each other how they love me? + +QUICKLY. +That were a jest indeed! They have not so little grace, I hope: that +were a trick indeed! But Mistress Page would desire you to send her +your little page, of all loves: her husband has a marvellous infection +to the little page; and, truly, Master Page is an honest man. Never a +wife in Windsor leads a better life than she does; do what she will, +say what she will, take all, pay all, go to bed when she list, rise +when she list, all is as she will; and truly she deserves it; for if +there be a kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must send her your +page; no remedy. + +FALSTAFF. +Why, I will. + +QUICKLY. +Nay, but do so then; and, look you, he may come and go between you +both; and in any case have a nay-word, that you may know one another’s +mind, and the boy never need to understand anything; for ’tis not good +that children should know any wickedness: old folks, you know, have +discretion, as they say, and know the world. + +FALSTAFF. +Fare thee well; commend me to them both. There’s my purse; I am yet thy +debtor. Boy, go along with this woman.— + +[_Exeunt Mistress Quickly and Robin._] + +This news distracts me. + +PISTOL. +This punk is one of Cupid’s carriers; +Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights; +Give fire; she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all! + +[_Exit Pistol._] + +FALSTAFF +Say’st thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I’ll make more of thy old body +than I have done. Will they yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the +expense of so much money, be now a gainer? Good body, I thank thee. Let +them say ’tis grossly done; so it be fairly done, no matter. + +Enter Bardolph with a cup of sack. + +BARDOLPH +Sir John, there’s one Master Brook below would fain speak with you and +be acquainted with you: and hath sent your worship a morning’s draught +of sack. + +FALSTAFF. +Brook is his name? + +BARDOLPH. +Ay, sir. + +FALSTAFF. +Call him in. + +[_Exit Bardolph._] + +Such Brooks are welcome to me, that o’erflow such liquor. Ah, ha! +Mistress Ford and Mistress Page, have I encompassed you? Go to; via! + +Re-enter Bardolph with Ford disguised. + +FORD +Bless you, sir! + +FALSTAFF. +And you, sir; would you speak with me? + +FORD. +I make bold to press with so little preparation upon you. + +FALSTAFF. +You’re welcome. What’s your will?—Give us leave, drawer. + +[_Exit Bardolph._] + +FORD +Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much: my name is Brook. + +FALSTAFF. +Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you. + +FORD. +Good Sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge you; for I must let you +understand I think myself in better plight for a lender than you are: +the which hath something embold’ned me to this unseasoned intrusion; +for they say, if money go before, all ways do lie open. + +FALSTAFF. +Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on. + +FORD. +Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me; if you will help to +bear it, Sir John, take all, or half, for easing me of the carriage. + +FALSTAFF. +Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter. + +FORD. +I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing. + +FALSTAFF. +Speak, good Master Brook; I shall be glad to be your servant. + +FORD. +Sir, I hear you are a scholar,—I will be brief with you, and you have +been a man long known to me, though I had never so good means, as +desire, to make myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a thing to +you, wherein I must very much lay open mine own imperfection; but, good +Sir John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as you hear them +unfolded, turn another into the register of your own, that I may pass +with a reproof the easier, sith you yourself know how easy is it to be +such an offender. + +FALSTAFF. +Very well, sir; proceed. + +FORD. +There is a gentlewoman in this town, her husband’s name is Ford. + +FALSTAFF. +Well, sir. + +FORD. +I have long loved her, and, I protest to you, bestowed much on her; +followed her with a doting observance; engrossed opportunities to meet +her; fee’d every slight occasion that could but niggardly give me sight +of her; not only bought many presents to give her, but have given +largely to many to know what she would have given; briefly, I have +pursued her as love hath pursued me; which hath been on the wing of all +occasions. But whatsoever I have merited, either in my mind or in my +means, meed, I am sure, I have received none, unless experience be a +jewel that I have purchased at an infinite rate, and that hath taught +me to say this, +Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues; +Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues. +FALSTAFF +Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands? + +FORD. +Never. + +FALSTAFF. +Have you importuned her to such a purpose? + +FORD. +Never. + +FALSTAFF. +Of what quality was your love, then? + +FORD. +Like a fair house built on another man’s ground; so that I have lost my +edifice by mistaking the place where I erected it. + +FALSTAFF. +To what purpose have you unfolded this to me? + +FORD. +When I have told you that, I have told you all. Some say that though +she appear honest to me, yet in other places she enlargeth her mirth so +far that there is shrewd construction made of her. Now, Sir John, here +is the heart of my purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent breeding, +admirable discourse, of great admittance, authentic in your place and +person, generally allowed for your many war-like, court-like, and +learnèd preparations. + +FALSTAFF. +O, sir! + +FORD. +Believe it, for you know it. There is money; spend it, spend it; spend +more; spend all I have; only give me so much of your time in exchange +of it as to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this Ford’s wife: +use your art of wooing, win her to consent to you; if any man may, you +may as soon as any. + +FALSTAFF. +Would it apply well to the vehemency of your affection, that I should +win what you would enjoy? Methinks you prescribe to yourself very +preposterously. + +FORD. +O, understand my drift. She dwells so securely on the excellency of her +honour that the folly of my soul dares not present itself; she is too +bright to be looked against. Now, could I come to her with any +detection in my hand, my desires had instance and argument to commend +themselves; I could drive her then from the ward of her purity, her +reputation, her marriage-vow, and a thousand other her defences, which +now are too too strongly embattled against me. What say you to’t, Sir +John? + +FALSTAFF. +Master Brook, I will first make bold with your money; next, give me +your hand; and last, as I am a gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy +Ford’s wife. + +FORD. +O good sir! + +FALSTAFF. +I say you shall. + +FORD. +Want no money, Sir John; you shall want none. + +FALSTAFF. +Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall want none. I shall be +with her, I may tell you, by her own appointment; even as you came in +to me her assistant or go-between parted from me: I say I shall be with +her between ten and eleven; for at that time the jealous rascally +knave, her husband, will be forth. Come you to me at night; you shall +know how I speed. + +FORD. +I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford, sir? + +FALSTAFF. +Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him not; yet I wrong him to call +him poor; they say the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money; for +the which his wife seems to me well-favoured. I will use her as the key +of the cuckoldly rogue’s coffer; and there’s my harvest-home. + +FORD. +I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid him if you saw him. + +FALSTAFF. +Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will stare him out of his +wits; I will awe him with my cudgel; it shall hang like a meteor o’er +the cuckold’s horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know I will predominate +over the peasant, and thou shalt lie with his wife. Come to me soon at +night. Ford’s a knave, and I will aggravate his style; thou, Master +Brook, shalt know him for knave and cuckold. Come to me soon at night. + +[_Exit Falstaff._] + +FORD. +What a damned Epicurean rascal is this! My heart is ready to crack with +impatience. Who says this is improvident jealousy? My wife hath sent to +him; the hour is fixed; the match is made. Would any man have thought +this? See the hell of having a false woman! My bed shall be abused, my +coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not only receive +this villanous wrong, but stand under the adoption of abominable terms, +and by him that does me this wrong. Terms! names! Amaimon sounds well; +Lucifer, well; Barbason, well; yet they are devils’ additions, the +names of fiends. But Cuckold! Wittol!—Cuckold! the devil himself hath +not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass; he will trust his wife; +he will not be jealous; I will rather trust a Fleming with my butter, +Parson Hugh the Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with my aqua-vitae +bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling gelding, than my wife with +herself; then she plots, then she ruminates, then she devises; and what +they think in their hearts they may effect, they will break their +hearts but they will effect. God be praised for my jealousy! Eleven +o’clock the hour. I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged on +Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it; better three hours too +soon than a minute too late. Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold! + +[_Exit._] + +SCENE III. A field near Windsor + +Enter Caius and Rugby. + +CAIUS. +Jack Rugby! + +RUGBY. +Sir? + +CAIUS. +Vat is de clock, Jack? + +RUGBY. +’Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised to meet. + +CAIUS. +By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no come; he has pray his Pible +vell dat he is no come: by gar, Jack Rugby, he is dead already, if he +be come. + +RUGBY. +He is wise, sir; he knew your worship would kill him if he came. + +CAIUS. +By gar, de herring is no dead so as I vill kill him. Take your rapier, +Jack; I vill tell you how I vill kill him. + +RUGBY. +Alas, sir, I cannot fence! + +CAIUS. +Villany, take your rapier. + +RUGBY. +Forbear; here’s company. + +Enter Host, Shallow, Slender and Page. + +HOST +Bless thee, bully doctor! + +SHALLOW. +Save you, Master Doctor Caius! + +PAGE. +Now, good Master Doctor! + +SLENDER. +Give you good morrow, sir. + +CAIUS. +Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for? + +HOST. +To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see thee traverse; to see thee +here, to see thee there; to see thee pass thy punto, thy stock, thy +reverse, thy distance, thy montant. Is he dead, my Ethiopian? Is he +dead, my Francisco? Ha, bully! What says my Aesculapius? my Galen? my +heart of elder? Ha! is he dead, bully stale? Is he dead? + +CAIUS. +By gar, he is de coward Jack priest of de world; he is not show his +face. + +HOST. +Thou art a Castalion King Urinal! Hector of Greece, my boy! + +CAIUS. +I pray you, bear witness that me have stay six or seven, two, tree +hours for him, and he is no come. + +SHALLOW. +He is the wiser man, Master doctor: he is a curer of souls, and you a +curer of bodies; if you should fight, you go against the hair of your +professions. Is it not true, Master Page? + +PAGE. +Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great fighter, though now a +man of peace. + +SHALLOW. +Bodykins, Master Page, though I now be old, and of the peace, if I see +a sword out, my finger itches to make one. Though we are justices, and +doctors, and churchmen, Master Page, we have some salt of our youth in +us; we are the sons of women, Master Page. + +PAGE. +’Tis true, Master Shallow. + +SHALLOW. +It will be found so, Master Page. Master Doctor Caius, I come to fetch +you home. I am sworn of the peace; you have showed yourself a wise +physician, and Sir Hugh hath shown himself a wise and patient +churchman. You must go with me, Master Doctor. + +HOST. +Pardon, guest-justice.—A word, Monsieur Mockwater. + +CAIUS. +Mock-vater! Vat is dat? + +HOST. +Mockwater, in our English tongue, is valour, bully. + +CAIUS. +By gar, then I have as much mockvater as de Englishman.—Scurvy jack-dog +priest! By gar, me vill cut his ears. + +HOST. +He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully. + +CAIUS. +Clapper-de-claw! Vat is dat? + +HOST. +That is, he will make thee amends. + +CAIUS. +By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw me; for, by gar, me vill +have it. + +HOST. +And I will provoke him to’t, or let him wag. + +CAIUS. +Me tank you for dat. + +HOST. +And, moreover, bully—but first: Master guest, and Master Page, and eke +Cavaliero Slender, go you through the town to Frogmore. + +[_Aside to them._] + +PAGE +Sir Hugh is there, is he? + +HOST. +He is there: see what humour he is in; and I will bring the doctor +about by the fields. Will it do well? + +SHALLOW. +We will do it. + +PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER +Adieu, good Master Doctor. + +[_Exeunt Page, Shallow and Slender._] + +CAIUS +By gar, me vill kill de priest; for he speak for a jack-an-ape to Anne +Page. + +HOST. +Let him die. Sheathe thy impatience; throw cold water on thy choler; go +about the fields with me through Frogmore; I will bring thee where +Mistress Anne Page is, at a farm-house a-feasting; and thou shalt woo +her. Cried I aim! Said I well? + +CAIUS. +By gar, me tank you for dat: by gar, I love you; and I shall procure-a +you de good guest, de earl, de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my +patients. + +HOST. +For the which I will be thy adversary toward Anne Page: said I well? + +CAIUS. +By gar, ’tis good; vell said. + +HOST. +Let us wag, then. + +CAIUS. +Come at my heels, Jack Rugby. + +[_Exeunt._] + + + + +ACT III + +SCENE I. A field near Frogmore + + +Enter Sir Hugh Evans and Simple. + +EVANS. +I pray you now, good Master Slender’s serving-man, and friend Simple by +your name, which way have you looked for Master Caius, that calls +himself doctor of physic? + +SIMPLE. +Marry, sir, the pittie-ward, the park-ward, every way; old Windsor way, +and every way but the town way. + +EVANS. +I most fehemently desire you you will also look that way. + +SIMPLE. +I will, Sir. + +[_Exit Simple._] + +EVANS +Pless my soul, how full of chollors I am, and trempling of mind! I +shall be glad if he have deceived me. How melancholies I am! I will +knog his urinals about his knave’s costard when I have goot +opportunities for the ’ork: pless my soul! + +[_Sings._] + +To shallow rivers, to whose falls +Melodious birds sings madrigals; +There will we make our peds of roses, +And a thousand fragrant posies. +To shallow— +Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry. + +[_Sings._] + +Melodious birds sing madrigals,— +Whenas I sat in Pabylon,— +And a thousand vagram posies. +To shallow,— + +Re-enter Simple. + +SIMPLE +Yonder he is, coming this way, Sir Hugh. + +EVANS. +He’s welcome. + +[_Sings._] + +To shallow rivers, to whose falls— +Heaven prosper the right!—What weapons is he? + +SIMPLE. +No weapons, sir. There comes my master, Master Shallow, and another +gentleman, from Frogmore, over the stile, this way. + +EVANS. +Pray you give me my gown; or else keep it in your arms. + +[_Reads in a book._] + +Enter Page, Shallow and Slender. + +SHALLOW +How now, Master Parson! Good morrow, good Sir Hugh. Keep a gamester +from the dice, and a good student from his book, and it is wonderful. + +SLENDER. +[_Aside_.] Ah, sweet Anne Page! + +PAGE. +’Save you, good Sir Hugh! + +EVANS. +Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you! + +SHALLOW. +What, the sword and the word! Do you study them both, Master Parson? + +PAGE. +And youthful still, in your doublet and hose, this raw rheumatic day! + +EVANS. +There is reasons and causes for it. + +PAGE. +We are come to you to do a good office, Master Parson. + +EVANS. +Fery well; what is it? + +PAGE. +Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belike having received wrong +by some person, is at most odds with his own gravity and patience that +ever you saw. + +SHALLOW. +I have lived fourscore years and upward; I never heard a man of his +place, gravity, and learning, so wide of his own respect. + +EVANS. +What is he? + +PAGE. +I think you know him: Master Doctor Caius, the renowned French +physician. + +EVANS. +Got’s will and His passion of my heart! I had as lief you would tell me +of a mess of porridge. + +PAGE. +Why? + +EVANS. +He has no more knowledge in Hibbocrates and Galen,—and he is a knave +besides; a cowardly knave as you would desires to be acquainted withal. + +PAGE. +I warrant you, he’s the man should fight with him. + +SLENDER. +[_Aside_.] O, sweet Anne Page! + +SHALLOW. +It appears so, by his weapons. Keep them asunder; here comes Doctor +Caius. + +Enter Host, Caius and Rugby. + +PAGE +Nay, good Master Parson, keep in your weapon. + +SHALLOW. +So do you, good Master Doctor. + +HOST. +Disarm them, and let them question; let them keep their limbs whole and +hack our English. + +CAIUS. +I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear: verefore will you not +meet-a me? + +EVANS. +[_Aside to Caius_.] Pray you use your patience; in good time. + +CAIUS. +By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape. + +EVANS. +[_Aside to Caius_.] Pray you, let us not be laughing-stogs to other +men’s humours; I desire you in friendship, and I will one way or other +make you amends. +[_Aloud_.] I will knog your urinals about your knave’s cogscomb for +missing your meetings and appointments. + +CAIUS. +Diable!—Jack Rugby,—mine Host de Jarretiere,—have I not stay for him to +kill him? Have I not, at de place I did appoint? + +EVANS. +As I am a Christians soul, now, look you, this is the place appointed. +I’ll be judgment by mine host of the Garter. + +HOST. +Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaullia; French and Welsh, soul-curer and +body-curer! + +CAIUS. +Ay, dat is very good; excellent! + +HOST. +Peace, I say! Hear mine host of the Garter. Am I politic? am I subtle? +am I a Machiavel? Shall I lose my doctor? No; he gives me the potions +and the motions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my Sir Hugh? No; he +gives me the proverbs and the no-verbs. Give me thy hand, terrestrial; +so;—give me thy hand, celestial; so. Boys of art, I have deceived you +both; I have directed you to wrong places; your hearts are mighty, your +skins are whole, and let burnt sack be the issue. Come, lay their +swords to pawn. Follow me, lads of peace; follow, follow, follow. + +SHALLOW. +Trust me, a mad host!—Follow, gentlemen, follow. + +SLENDER. +[_Aside_.] O, sweet Anne Page! + +[_Exeunt Shallow, Slender, Page and Host._] + +CAIUS +Ha, do I perceive dat? Have you make-a de sot of us, ha, ha? + +EVANS. +This is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog. I desire you that we +may be friends; and let us knog our prains together to be revenge on +this same scall, scurvy, cogging companion, the host of the Garter. + +CAIUS. +By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring me where is Anne Page; +by gar, he deceive me too. + +EVANS. +Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you follow. + +[_Exeunt._] + +SCENE II. A street in Windsor + +Enter Mistress Page and Robin. + +MRS. PAGE. +Nay, keep your way, little gallant: you were wont to be a follower, but +now you are a leader. Whether had you rather lead mine eyes, or eye +your master’s heels? + +ROBIN. +I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man than follow him like a +dwarf. -SCENE 4. - -Windsor Park - -Enter SIR HUGH EVANS like a satyr, with OTHERS as fairies - - EVANS. Trib, trib, fairies; come; and remember your parts. Be pold, I - pray you; follow me into the pit; and when I give the watch-ords, do - as I pid you. Come, come; trib, trib. - Exeunt - -SCENE 5. - -Another part of the Park - -Enter FALSTAFF disguised as HERNE - - FALSTAFF. The Windsor bell hath struck twelve; the minute draws on. - Now the hot-blooded gods assist me! Remember, Jove, thou wast a bull - for thy Europa; love set on thy horns. O powerful love! that in some - respects makes a beast a man; in some other a man a beast. You were - also, Jupiter, a swan, for the love of Leda. O omnipotent love! how - near the god drew to the complexion of a goose! A fault done first in - the form of a beast-O Jove, a beastly fault!-and then another fault - in the semblance of a fowl- think on't, Jove, a foul fault! When gods - have hot backs what shall poor men do? For me, I am here a Windsor - stag; and the fattest, I think, i' th' forest. Send me a cool - rut-time, Jove, or who can blame me to piss my tallow? Who comes - here? my doe? - - Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE - - MRS. FORD. Sir John! Art thou there, my deer, my male deer. - FALSTAFF. My doe with the black scut! Let the sky rain - potatoes; let it thunder to the tune of Greensleeves, hail - kissing-comfits, and snow eringoes; let there come a tempest - of provocation, I will shelter me here. [Embracing her] - MRS. FORD. Mistress Page is come with me, sweetheart. - FALSTAFF. Divide me like a brib'd buck, each a haunch; I - will keep my sides to myself, my shoulders for the fellow - of this walk, and my horns I bequeath your husbands. Am - I a woodman, ha? Speak I like Heme the Hunter? Why, - now is Cupid a child of conscience; he makes restitution. - As I am a true spirit, welcome! [A noise of horns] - MRS. PAGE. Alas, what noise? - MRS. FORD. Heaven forgive our sins! - FALSTAFF. What should this be? - MRS. FORD. } Away, away. - MRS. PAGE. } Away, away. [They run off] - FALSTAFF. I think the devil will not have me damn'd, lest the - oil that's in me should set hell on fire; he would never else - cross me thus. - - Enter SIR HUGH EVANS like a satyr, ANNE PAGE as - a fairy, and OTHERS as the Fairy Queen, fairies, and - Hobgoblin; all with tapers - - FAIRY QUEEN. Fairies, black, grey, green, and white, - You moonshine revellers, and shades of night, - You orphan heirs of fixed destiny, - Attend your office and your quality. - Crier Hobgoblin, make the fairy oyes. - PUCK. Elves, list your names; silence, you airy toys. - Cricket, to Windsor chimneys shalt thou leap; - Where fires thou find'st unrak'd, and hearths unswept, - There pinch the maids as blue as bilberry; - Our radiant Queen hates sluts and sluttery. - FALSTAFF. They are fairies; he that speaks to them shall die. - I'll wink and couch; no man their works must eye. - [Lies down upon his face] - EVANS. Where's Pede? Go you, and where you find a maid - That, ere she sleep, has thrice her prayers said, - Raise up the organs of her fantasy - Sleep she as sound as careless infancy; - But those as sleep and think not on their sins, - Pinch them, arms, legs, backs, shoulders, sides, and shins. - FAIRY QUEEN. About, about; - Search Windsor castle, elves, within and out; - Strew good luck, ouphes, on every sacred room, - That it may stand till the perpetual doom - In state as wholesome as in state 'tis fit, - Worthy the owner and the owner it. - The several chairs of order look you scour - With juice of balm and every precious flower; - Each fair instalment, coat, and sev'ral crest, - With loyal blazon, evermore be blest! - And nightly, meadow-fairies, look you sing, - Like to the Garter's compass, in a ring; - Th' expressure that it bears, green let it be, - More fertile-fresh than all the field to see; - And 'Honi soit qui mal y pense' write - In em'rald tufts, flow'rs purple, blue and white; - Like sapphire, pearl, and rich embroidery, - Buckled below fair knighthood's bending knee. - Fairies use flow'rs for their charactery. - Away, disperse; but till 'tis one o'clock, - Our dance of custom round about the oak - Of Herne the Hunter let us not forget. - EVANS. Pray you, lock hand in hand; yourselves in order set; - And twenty glow-worms shall our lanterns be, - To guide our measure round about the tree. - But, stay. I smell a man of middle earth. - FALSTAFF. Heavens defend me from that Welsh fairy, lest he - transform me to a piece of cheese! - PUCK. Vile worm, thou wast o'erlook'd even in thy birth. - FAIRY QUEEN. With trial-fire touch me his finger-end; - If he be chaste, the flame will back descend, - And turn him to no pain; but if he start, - It is the flesh of a corrupted heart. - PUCK. A trial, come. - EVANS. Come, will this wood take fire? - [They put the tapers to his fingers, and he starts] - FALSTAFF. Oh, oh, oh! - FAIRY QUEEN. Corrupt, corrupt, and tainted in desire! - About him, fairies; sing a scornful rhyme; - And, as you trip, still pinch him to your time. - THE SONG. - Fie on sinful fantasy! - Fie on lust and luxury! - Lust is but a bloody fire, - Kindled with unchaste desire, - Fed in heart, whose flames aspire, - As thoughts do blow them, higher and higher. - Pinch him, fairies, mutually; - Pinch him for his villainy; - Pinch him and burn him and turn him about, - Till candles and star-light and moonshine be out. - - During this song they pinch FALSTAFF. DOCTOR - CAIUS comes one way, and steals away a fairy in - green; SLENDER another way, and takes off a fairy in - white; and FENTON steals away ANNE PAGE. A noise - of hunting is heard within. All the fairies run away. - FALSTAFF pulls off his buck's head, and rises - - Enter PAGE, FORD, MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and - SIR HUGH EVANS - - PAGE. Nay, do not fly; I think we have watch'd you now. - Will none but Heme the Hunter serve your turn? - MRS. PAGE. I pray you, come, hold up the jest no higher. - Now, good Sir John, how like you Windsor wives? - See you these, husband? Do not these fair yokes - Become the forest better than the town? - FORD. Now, sir, who's a cuckold now? Master Brook, - Falstaff's a knave, a cuckoldly knave; here are his horns, - Master Brook; and, Master Brook, he hath enjoyed nothing of - Ford's but his buck-basket, his cudgel, and twenty pounds - of money, which must be paid to Master Brook; his horses - are arrested for it, Master Brook. - MRS. FORD. Sir John, we have had ill luck; we could never - meet. I will never take you for my love again; but I will - always count you my deer. - FALSTAFF. I do begin to perceive that I am made an ass. - FORD. Ay, and an ox too; both the proofs are extant. - FALSTAFF. And these are not fairies? I was three or four - times in the thought they were not fairies; and yet the - guiltiness of my mind, the sudden surprise of my powers, - drove the grossness of the foppery into a receiv'd belief, - in despite of the teeth of all rhyme and reason, that they - were fairies. See now how wit may be made a Jack-a-Lent - when 'tis upon ill employment. - EVANS. Sir John Falstaff, serve Got, and leave your desires, - and fairies will not pinse you. - FORD. Well said, fairy Hugh. - EVANS. And leave you your jealousies too, I pray you. - FORD. I will never mistrust my wife again, till thou art able - to woo her in good English. - FALSTAFF. Have I laid my brain in the sun, and dried it, that - it wants matter to prevent so gross, o'er-reaching as this? - Am I ridden with a Welsh goat too? Shall I have a cox-comb - of frieze? 'Tis time I were chok'd with a piece of - toasted cheese. - EVANS. Seese is not good to give putter; your belly is all - putter. - FALSTAFF. 'Seese' and 'putter'! Have I liv'd to stand at the - taunt of one that makes fritters of English? This is enough - to be the decay of lust and late-walking through the realm. - MRS. PAGE. Why, Sir John, do you think, though we would - have thrust virtue out of our hearts by the head and - shoulders, and have given ourselves without scruple to hell, - that ever the devil could have made you our delight? - FORD. What, a hodge-pudding? a bag of flax? - MRS. PAGE. A puff'd man? - PAGE. Old, cold, wither'd, and of intolerable entrails? - FORD. And one that is as slanderous as Satan? - PAGE. And as poor as Job? - FORD. And as wicked as his wife? - EVANS. And given to fornications, and to taverns, and sack, - and wine, and metheglins, and to drinkings, and swearings, - and starings, pribbles and prabbles? - FALSTAFF. Well, I am your theme; you have the start of me; - I am dejected; I am not able to answer the Welsh flannel; - ignorance itself is a plummet o'er me; use me as you will. - FORD. Marry, sir, we'll bring you to Windsor, to one Master - Brook, that you have cozen'd of money, to whom you - should have been a pander. Over and above that you have - suffer'd, I think to repay that money will be a biting - affliction. - PAGE. Yet be cheerful, knight; thou shalt eat a posset - tonight at my house, where I will desire thee to laugh at my - wife, that now laughs at thee. Tell her Master Slender hath - married her daughter. - MRS. PAGE. [Aside] Doctors doubt that; if Anne Page be - my daughter, she is, by this, Doctor Caius' wife. - - Enter SLENDER - - SLENDER. Whoa, ho, ho, father Page! - PAGE. Son, how now! how now, son! Have you dispatch'd'? - SLENDER. Dispatch'd! I'll make the best in Gloucestershire - know on't; would I were hang'd, la, else! - PAGE. Of what, son? - SLENDER. I came yonder at Eton to marry Mistress Anne - Page, and she's a great lubberly boy. If it had not been i' - th' church, I would have swing'd him, or he should have - swing'd me. If I did not think it had been Anne Page, - would I might never stir!-and 'tis a postmaster's boy. - PAGE. Upon my life, then, you took the wrong. - SLENDER. What need you tell me that? I think so, when I - took a boy for a girl. If I had been married to him, for all - he was in woman's apparel, I would not have had him. - PAGE. Why, this is your own folly. Did not I tell you how - you should know my daughter by her garments? - SLENDER. I went to her in white and cried 'mum' and she - cried 'budget' as Anne and I had appointed; and yet it was - not Anne, but a postmaster's boy. - MRS. PAGE. Good George, be not angry. I knew of your - purpose; turn'd my daughter into green; and, indeed, she - is now with the Doctor at the dean'ry, and there married. - - Enter CAIUS - - CAIUS. Vere is Mistress Page? By gar, I am cozened; I ha' - married un garcon, a boy; un paysan, by gar, a boy; it is - not Anne Page; by gar, I am cozened. - MRS. PAGE. Why, did you take her in green? - CAIUS. Ay, be gar, and 'tis a boy; be gar, I'll raise all - Windsor. Exit CAIUS - FORD. This is strange. Who hath got the right Anne? - PAGE. My heart misgives me; here comes Master Fenton. - - Enter FENTON and ANNE PAGE - - How now, Master Fenton! - ANNE. Pardon, good father. Good my mother, pardon. - PAGE. Now, Mistress, how chance you went not with Master - Slender? - MRS. PAGE. Why went you not with Master Doctor, maid? - FENTON. You do amaze her. Hear the truth of it. - You would have married her most shamefully, - Where there was no proportion held in love. - The truth is, she and I, long since contracted, - Are now so sure that nothing can dissolve us. - Th' offence is holy that she hath committed; - And this deceit loses the name of craft, - Of disobedience, or unduteous title, - Since therein she doth evitate and shun - A thousand irreligious cursed hours, - Which forced marriage would have brought upon her. - FORD. Stand not amaz'd; here is no remedy. - In love, the heavens themselves do guide the state; - Money buys lands, and wives are sold by fate. - FALSTAFF. I am glad, though you have ta'en a special stand - to strike at me, that your arrow hath glanc'd. - PAGE. Well, what remedy? Fenton, heaven give thee joy! - What cannot be eschew'd must be embrac'd. - FALSTAFF. When night-dogs run, all sorts of deer are chas'd. - MRS. PAGE. Well, I will muse no further. Master Fenton, - Heaven give you many, many merry days! - Good husband, let us every one go home, - And laugh this sport o'er by a country fire; - Sir John and all. - FORD. Let it be so. Sir John, - To Master Brook you yet shall hold your word; - For he, to-night, shall lie with Mistress Ford. Exeunt +MRS. PAGE. +O! you are a flattering boy: now I see you’ll be a courtier. + +Enter Ford. + +FORD +Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you? + +MRS. PAGE. +Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home? + +FORD. +Ay; and as idle as she may hang together, for want of company. I think, +if your husbands were dead, you two would marry. + +MRS. PAGE. +Be sure of that—two other husbands. + +FORD. +Where had you this pretty weathercock? + +MRS. PAGE. +I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my husband had him of. What +do you call your knight’s name, sirrah? + +ROBIN. +Sir John Falstaff. + +FORD. +Sir John Falstaff! + +MRS. PAGE. +He, he; I can never hit on’s name. There is such a league between my +good man and he! Is your wife at home indeed? + +FORD. +Indeed she is. + +MRS. PAGE. +By your leave, sir: I am sick till I see her. + +[_Exeunt Mrs. Page and Robin._] + +FORD +Has Page any brains? Hath he any eyes? Hath he any thinking? Sure, they +sleep; he hath no use of them. Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty +mile as easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelve score. He pieces +out his wife’s inclination; he gives her folly motion and advantage; +and now she’s going to my wife, and Falstaff’s boy with her. A man may +hear this shower sing in the wind: and Falstaff’s boy with her! Good +plots! They are laid; and our revolted wives share damnation together. +Well; I will take him, then torture my wife, pluck the borrowed veil of +modesty from the so seeming Mistress Page, divulge Page himself for a +secure and wilful Actaeon; and to these violent proceedings all my +neighbours shall cry aim. [_Clock strikes_.] The clock gives me my cue, +and my assurance bids me search; there I shall find Falstaff. I shall +be rather praised for this than mocked; for it is as positive as the +earth is firm that Falstaff is there. I will go. + +Enter Page, Shallow, Slender, Host, Sir Hugh Evans, Caius and Rugby. + +SHALLOW, PAGE, &c +Well met, Master Ford. + +FORD. +Trust me, a good knot; I have good cheer at home, and I pray you all go +with me. + +SHALLOW. +I must excuse myself, Master Ford. + +SLENDER. +And so must I, sir; we have appointed to dine with Mistress Anne, and I +would not break with her for more money than I’ll speak of. + +SHALLOW. +We have lingered about a match between Anne Page and my cousin Slender, +and this day we shall have our answer. + +SLENDER. +I hope I have your good will, father Page. + +PAGE. +You have, Master Slender; I stand wholly for you. But my wife, Master +doctor, is for you altogether. + +CAIUS. +Ay, be-gar; and de maid is love-a me: my nursh-a Quickly tell me so +mush. + +HOST. +What say you to young Master Fenton? He capers, he dances, he has eyes +of youth, he writes verses, he speaks holiday, he smells April and May; +he will carry ’t, he will carry ’t; ’tis in his buttons; he will carry +’t. + +PAGE. +Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman is of no having: he +kept company with the wild Prince and Pointz; he is of too high a +region, he knows too much. No, he shall not knit a knot in his fortunes +with the finger of my substance; if he take her, let him take her +simply; the wealth I have waits on my consent, and my consent goes not +that way. + +FORD. +I beseech you, heartily, some of you go home with me to dinner: besides +your cheer, you shall have sport; I will show you a monster. Master +Doctor, you shall go; so shall you, Master Page; and you, Sir Hugh. + +SHALLOW. +Well, fare you well; we shall have the freer wooing at Master Page’s. + +[_Exeunt Shallow and Slender._] + +CAIUS +Go home, John Rugby; I come anon. + +[_Exit Rugby._] + +HOST +Farewell, my hearts; I will to my honest knight Falstaff, and drink +canary with him. + +[_Exit Host._] + +FORD +[_Aside_.] I think I shall drink in pipe-wine first with him. I’ll make +him dance. +Will you go, gentles? + +ALL +Have with you to see this monster. + +[_Exeunt._] + +SCENE III. A room in Ford’s house + +Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page. + +MRS. FORD. +What, John! what, Robert! + +MRS. PAGE. +Quickly, quickly:—Is the buck-basket— + +MRS. FORD. +I warrant. What, Robin, I say! + +Enter Servants with a basket. + +MRS. PAGE +Come, come, come. + +MRS. FORD. +Here, set it down. + +MRS. PAGE. +Give your men the charge; we must be brief. + +MRS. FORD. +Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert, be ready here hard by in +the brew-house; and when I suddenly call you, come forth, and, without +any pause or staggering, take this basket on your shoulders: that done, +trudge with it in all haste, and carry it among the whitsters in +Datchet-Mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch close by the Thames +side. + +MRS. PAGE. +You will do it? + +MRS. FORD. +I have told them over and over; they lack no direction. Be gone, and +come when you are called. + +[_Exeunt Servants._] + +MRS. PAGE +Here comes little Robin. + +Enter Robin. + +MRS. FORD +How now, my eyas-musket! what news with you? + +ROBIN. +My Master Sir John is come in at your back-door, Mistress Ford, and +requests your company. + +MRS. PAGE. +You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to us? + +ROBIN. +Ay, I’ll be sworn. My master knows not of your being here, and hath +threatened to put me into everlasting liberty, if I tell you of it; for +he swears he’ll turn me away. + +MRS. PAGE. +Thou ’rt a good boy; this secrecy of thine shall be a tailor to thee, +and shall make thee a new doublet and hose. I’ll go hide me. + +MRS. FORD. +Do so. Go tell thy master I am alone. + +[_Exit Robin._] + +Mistress Page, remember you your cue. + +MRS. PAGE. +I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me. + +[_Exit Mistress Page._] + +MRS. FORD +Go to, then; we’ll use this unwholesome humidity, this gross watery +pumpion; we’ll teach him to know turtles from jays. + +Enter Falstaff. + +FALSTAFF +“Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel?” Why, now let me die, for I +have lived long enough: this is the period of my ambition: O this +blessed hour! + +MRS. FORD. +O, sweet Sir John! + +FALSTAFF. +Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate, Mistress Ford. Now shall I +sin in my wish; I would thy husband were dead. I’ll speak it before the +best lord, I would make thee my lady. + +MRS. FORD. +I your lady, Sir John! Alas, I should be a pitiful lady. + +FALSTAFF. +Let the court of France show me such another. I see how thine eye would +emulate the diamond; thou hast the right arched beauty of the brow that +becomes the ship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire of Venetian +admittance. + +MRS. FORD. +A plain kerchief, Sir John; my brows become nothing else; nor that well +neither. + +FALSTAFF. +By the Lord, thou art a traitor to say so: thou wouldst make an +absolute courtier; and the firm fixture of thy foot would give an +excellent motion to thy gait in a semi-circled farthingale. I see what +thou wert, if Fortune thy foe were not, Nature thy friend. Come, thou +canst not hide it. + +MRS. FORD. +Believe me, there’s no such thing in me. + +FALSTAFF. +What made me love thee? Let that persuade thee there’s something +extraordinary in thee. Come, I cannot cog and say thou art this and +that, like a many of these lisping hawthorn-buds that come like women +in men’s apparel, and smell like Bucklersbury in simple-time; I cannot; +but I love thee, none but thee; and thou deservest it. + +MRS. FORD. +Do not betray me, sir; I fear you love Mistress Page. + +FALSTAFF. +Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the Counter-gate, which is +as hateful to me as the reek of a lime-kiln. + +MRS. FORD. +Well, heaven knows how I love you; and you shall one day find it. + +FALSTAFF. +Keep in that mind; I’ll deserve it. + +MRS. FORD. +Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or else I could not be in that mind. + +ROBIN. +[_Within_.] Mistress Ford! Mistress Ford! here’s Mistress Page at the +door, sweating and blowing and looking wildly, and would needs speak +with you presently. + +FALSTAFF. +She shall not see me; I will ensconce me behind the arras. + +MRS. FORD. +Pray you, do so; she’s a very tattling woman. + +[_Falstaff hides himself._] + +Re-enter Mistress Page and Robin. + +What’s the matter? How now! + +MRS. PAGE. +O Mistress Ford, what have you done? You’re shamed, you are overthrown, +you are undone for ever! + +MRS. FORD. +What’s the matter, good Mistress Page? + +MRS. PAGE. +O well-a-day, Mistress Ford! having an honest man to your husband, to +give him such cause of suspicion! + +MRS. FORD. +What cause of suspicion? + +MRS. PAGE. +What cause of suspicion? Out upon you! how am I mistook in you! + +MRS. FORD. +Why, alas, what’s the matter? + +MRS. PAGE. +Your husband’s coming hither, woman, with all the officers in Windsor, +to search for a gentleman that he says is here now in the house, by +your consent, to take an ill advantage of his absence: you are undone. + +MRS. FORD. +[_Aside_.] Speak louder. +’Tis not so, I hope. + +MRS. PAGE. +Pray heaven it be not so that you have such a man here! but ’tis most +certain your husband’s coming, with half Windsor at his heels, to +search for such a one. I come before to tell you. If you know yourself +clear, why, I am glad of it; but if you have a friend here, convey, +convey him out. Be not amazed; call all your senses to you; defend your +reputation, or bid farewell to your good life for ever. + +MRS. FORD. +What shall I do?—There is a gentleman, my dear friend; and I fear not +mine own shame as much as his peril: I had rather than a thousand pound +he were out of the house. + +MRS. PAGE. +For shame! never stand “you had rather” and “you had rather”: your +husband’s here at hand; bethink you of some conveyance; in the house +you cannot hide him. O, how have you deceived me! Look, here is a +basket; if he be of any reasonable stature, he may creep in here; and +throw foul linen upon him, as if it were going to bucking: or—it is +whiting-time—send him by your two men to Datchet-Mead. + +MRS. FORD. +He’s too big to go in there. What shall I do? + +FALSTAFF. +[_Coming forward_.] Let me see ’t, let me see ’t. O, let me see ’t! +I’ll in, I’ll in; follow your friend’s counsel; I’ll in. + +MRS. PAGE. +What, Sir John Falstaff! Are these your letters, knight? + +FALSTAFF. +I love thee and none but thee; help me away: let me creep in here. I’ll +never— + +[_He gets into the basket; they cover him with foul linen._] + +MRS. PAGE +Help to cover your master, boy. Call your men, Mistress Ford. You +dissembling knight! + +MRS. FORD. +What, John! Robert! John! + +[_Exit Robin._] + +Re-enter Servants. + +Go, take up these clothes here, quickly; where’s the cowl-staff? Look +how you drumble! Carry them to the laundress in Datchet-Mead; quickly, +come. + +Enter Ford, Page, Caius and Sir Hugh Evans. + +FORD. +Pray you come near. If I suspect without cause, why then make sport at +me, then let me be your jest; I deserve it. How now, whither bear you +this? + +SERVANT. +To the laundress, forsooth. + +MRS. FORD. +Why, what have you to do whither they bear it? You were best meddle +with buck-washing. + +FORD. +Buck! I would I could wash myself of the buck! Buck, buck, buck! ay, +buck; I warrant you, buck; and of the season too, it shall appear. + +[_Exeunt Servants with the basket._] + +Gentlemen, I have dreamed tonight; I’ll tell you my dream. Here, here, +here be my keys: ascend my chambers; search, seek, find out. I’ll +warrant we’ll unkennel the fox. Let me stop this way first. [_Locking +the door_.] So, now uncape. + +PAGE. +Good Master Ford, be contented: you wrong yourself too much. + +FORD. +True, Master Page. Up, gentlemen, you shall see sport anon; follow me, +gentlemen. + +[_Exit Ford._] + +EVANS +This is fery fantastical humours and jealousies. + +CAIUS. +By gar, ’tis no the fashion of France; it is not jealous in France. + +PAGE. +Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his search. + +[_Exeunt Evans, Page and Caius._] + +MRS. PAGE +Is there not a double excellency in this? + +MRS. FORD. +I know not which pleases me better, that my husband is deceived, or Sir +John. + +MRS. PAGE. +What a taking was he in when your husband asked who was in the basket! + +MRS. FORD. +I am half afraid he will have need of washing; so throwing him into the +water will do him a benefit. + +MRS. PAGE. +Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all of the same strain were in the +same distress. + +MRS. FORD. +I think my husband hath some special suspicion of Falstaff’s being +here, for I never saw him so gross in his jealousy till now. + +MRS. PAGE. +I will lay a plot to try that, and we will yet have more tricks with +Falstaff: his dissolute disease will scarce obey this medicine. + +MRS. FORD. +Shall we send that foolish carrion, Mistress Quickly, to him, and +excuse his throwing into the water, and give him another hope, to +betray him to another punishment? + +MRS. PAGE. +We will do it; let him be sent for tomorrow eight o’clock, to have +amends. + +Re-enter Ford, Page, Caius and Sir Hugh Evans. + +FORD +I cannot find him: may be the knave bragged of that he could not +compass. + +MRS. PAGE. +[_Aside to Mrs. Ford_.] Heard you that? + +MRS. FORD. +[_Aside to Mrs. Page_.] Ay, ay, peace.— +You use me well, Master Ford, do you? + +FORD. +Ay, I do so. + +MRS. FORD. +Heaven make you better than your thoughts! + +FORD. +Amen! + +MRS. PAGE. +You do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford. + +FORD. +Ay, ay; I must bear it. + +EVANS. +If there be any pody in the house, and in the chambers, and in the +coffers, and in the presses, heaven forgive my sins at the day of +judgment! + +CAIUS. +Be gar, nor I too; there is no bodies. + +PAGE. +Fie, fie, Master Ford, are you not ashamed? What spirit, what devil +suggests this imagination? I would not ha’ your distemper in this kind +for the wealth of Windsor Castle. + +FORD. +’Tis my fault, Master Page: I suffer for it. + +EVANS. +You suffer for a pad conscience. Your wife is as honest a ’omans as I +will desires among five thousand, and five hundred too. + +CAIUS. +By gar, I see ’tis an honest woman. + +FORD. +Well, I promised you a dinner. Come, come, walk in the Park: I pray you +pardon me; I will hereafter make known to you why I have done this. +Come, wife, come, Mistress Page; I pray you pardon me; pray heartily, +pardon me. + +PAGE. +Let’s go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we’ll mock him. I do invite you +tomorrow morning to my house to breakfast; after, we’ll a-birding +together; I have a fine hawk for the bush. Shall it be so? + +FORD. +Any thing. + +EVANS. +If there is one, I shall make two in the company. + +CAIUS. +If there be one or two, I shall make-a the turd. + +FORD. +Pray you go, Master Page. + +EVANS. +I pray you now, remembrance tomorrow on the lousy knave, mine host. + +CAIUS. +Dat is good; by gar, with all my heart. + +EVANS. +A lousy knave! to have his gibes and his mockeries! + +[_Exeunt._] + +SCENE IV. A room in Page’s house + +Enter Fenton, Anne Page and Mistress Quickly. Mistress Quickly stands +apart. + +FENTON. +I see I cannot get thy father’s love; +Therefore no more turn me to him, sweet Nan. + +ANNE. +Alas! how then? + +FENTON. +Why, thou must be thyself. +He doth object, I am too great of birth; +And that my state being gall’d with my expense, +I seek to heal it only by his wealth. +Besides these, other bars he lays before me, +My riots past, my wild societies; +And tells me ’tis a thing impossible +I should love thee but as a property. + +ANNE. +May be he tells you true. + +FENTON. +No, heaven so speed me in my time to come! +Albeit I will confess thy father’s wealth +Was the first motive that I wooed thee, Anne: +Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more value +Than stamps in gold, or sums in sealèd bags; +And ’tis the very riches of thyself +That now I aim at. + +ANNE. +Gentle Master Fenton, +Yet seek my father’s love; still seek it, sir. +If opportunity and humblest suit +Cannot attain it, why then,—hark you hither. + +[_They converse apart._] + +Enter Shallow, Slender and Mistress Quickly. + +SHALLOW. +Break their talk, Mistress Quickly: my kinsman shall speak for himself. + +SLENDER. +I’ll make a shaft or a bolt on ’t. ’Slid, ’tis but venturing. + +SHALLOW. +Be not dismayed. + +SLENDER. +No, she shall not dismay me. I care not for that, but that I am afeard. + +QUICKLY. +Hark ye; Master Slender would speak a word with you. + +ANNE. +I come to him. +[_Aside_.] This is my father’s choice. +O, what a world of vile ill-favour’d faults +Looks handsome in three hundred pounds a year! + +QUICKLY. +And how does good Master Fenton? Pray you, a word with you. + +SHALLOW. +She’s coming; to her, coz. O boy, thou hadst a father! + +SLENDER. +I had a father, Mistress Anne; my uncle can tell you good jests of him. +Pray you, uncle, tell Mistress Anne the jest how my father stole two +geese out of a pen, good uncle. + +SHALLOW. +Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you. + +SLENDER. +Ay, that I do; as well as I love any woman in Gloucestershire. + +SHALLOW. +He will maintain you like a gentlewoman. + +SLENDER. +Ay, that I will come cut and long-tail, under the degree of a squire. + +SHALLOW. +He will make you a hundred and fifty pounds jointure. + +ANNE. +Good Master Shallow, let him woo for himself. + +SHALLOW. +Marry, I thank you for it; I thank you for that good comfort. She calls +you, coz; I’ll leave you. + +ANNE. +Now, Master Slender. + +SLENDER. +Now, good Mistress Anne.— + +ANNE. +What is your will? + +SLENDER. +My will! ’od’s heartlings, that’s a pretty jest indeed! I ne’er made my +will yet, I thank heaven; I am not such a sickly creature, I give +heaven praise. + +ANNE. +I mean, Master Slender, what would you with me? + +SLENDER. +Truly, for mine own part I would little or nothing with you. Your +father and my uncle hath made motions; if it be my luck, so; if not, +happy man be his dole! They can tell you how things go better than I +can. You may ask your father; here he comes. + +Enter Page and Mistress Page. + +PAGE +Now, Master Slender: love him, daughter Anne. +Why, how now! what does Master Fenton here? +You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt my house: +I told you, sir, my daughter is dispos’d of. + +FENTON. +Nay, Master Page, be not impatient. + +MRS. PAGE. +Good Master Fenton, come not to my child. + +PAGE. +She is no match for you. + +FENTON. +Sir, will you hear me? + +PAGE. +No, good Master Fenton. +Come, Master Shallow; come, son Slender, in. +Knowing my mind, you wrong me, Master Fenton. + +[_Exeunt Page, Shallow and Slender._] + +QUICKLY +Speak to Mistress Page. + +FENTON. +Good Mistress Page, for that I love your daughter +In such a righteous fashion as I do, +Perforce, against all checks, rebukes, and manners, +I must advance the colours of my love +And not retire: let me have your good will. + +ANNE. +Good mother, do not marry me to yond fool. + +MRS. PAGE. +I mean it not; I seek you a better husband. + +QUICKLY. +That’s my master, Master doctor. + +ANNE. +Alas! I had rather be set quick i’ the earth. +And bowl’d to death with turnips. + +MRS. PAGE. +Come, trouble not yourself. Good Master Fenton, +I will not be your friend, nor enemy; +My daughter will I question how she loves you, +And as I find her, so am I affected. +Till then, farewell, sir: she must needs go in; +Her father will be angry. + +FENTON. +Farewell, gentle mistress. Farewell, Nan. + +[_Exeunt Mrs. Page and Anne._] + +QUICKLY +This is my doing now: “Nay,” said I, “will you cast away your child on +a fool, and a physician? Look on Master Fenton.” This is my doing. + +FENTON. +I thank thee; and I pray thee, once tonight +Give my sweet Nan this ring. There’s for thy pains. + +QUICKLY. +Now Heaven send thee good fortune! + +[_Exit Fenton._] + +A kind heart he hath; a woman would run through fire and water for such +a kind heart. But yet I would my master had Mistress Anne; or I would +Master Slender had her; or, in sooth, I would Master Fenton had her; I +will do what I can for them all three, for so I have promised, and I’ll +be as good as my word; but speciously for Master Fenton. Well, I must +of another errand to Sir John Falstaff from my two mistresses: what a +beast am I to slack it! + +[_Exit._] + +SCENE V. A room in the Garter Inn + +Enter Falstaff and Bardolph. + +FALSTAFF. +Bardolph, I say,— + +BARDOLPH. +Here, sir. + +FALSTAFF. +Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in ’t. + +[_Exit Bardolph._] + +Have I lived to be carried in a basket, and to be thrown in the Thames +like a barrow of butcher’s offal? Well, if I be served such another +trick, I’ll have my brains ta’en out and buttered, and give them to a +dog for a new year’s gift. The rogues slighted me into the river with +as little remorse as they would have drowned a blind bitch’s puppies, +fifteen i’ the litter; and you may know by my size that I have a kind +of alacrity in sinking; if the bottom were as deep as hell I should +down. I had been drowned but that the shore was shelvy and shallow; a +death that I abhor, for the water swells a man; and what a thing should +I have been when had been swelled! I should have been a mountain of +mummy. + +Re-enter Bardolph with the sack. + +BARDOLPH +Here’s Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you. + +FALSTAFF. +Come, let me pour in some sack to the Thames water; for my belly’s as +cold as if I had swallowed snowballs for pills to cool the reins. Call +her in. + +BARDOLPH. +Come in, woman. + +Enter Mistress Quickly. + +QUICKLY +By your leave. I cry you mercy. Give your worship good morrow. + +FALSTAFF. +Take away these chalices. Go, brew me a pottle of sack finely. + +BARDOLPH. +With eggs, sir? + +FALSTAFF. +Simple of itself; I’ll no pullet-sperm in my brewage. + +[_Exit Bardolph._] + +How now! + +QUICKLY. +Marry, sir, I come to your worship from Mistress Ford. + +FALSTAFF. +Mistress Ford! I have had ford enough; I was thrown into the ford; I +have my belly full of ford. + +QUICKLY. +Alas the day! good heart, that was not her fault: she does so take on +with her men; they mistook their erection. + +FALSTAFF. +So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman’s promise. + +QUICKLY. +Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn your heart to see +it. Her husband goes this morning a-birding; she desires you once more +to come to her between eight and nine; I must carry her word quickly. +She’ll make you amends, I warrant you. + +FALSTAFF. +Well, I will visit her. Tell her so; and bid her think what a man is; +let her consider his frailty, and then judge of my merit. + +QUICKLY. +I will tell her. + +FALSTAFF. +Do so. Between nine and ten, sayest thou? + +QUICKLY. +Eight and nine, sir. + +FALSTAFF. +Well, be gone; I will not miss her. + +QUICKLY. +Peace be with you, sir. + +[_Exit Mistress Quickly._] + +FALSTAFF +I marvel I hear not of Master Brook; he sent me word to stay within. I +like his money well. O! here he comes. + +Enter Ford disguised. + +FORD +Bless you, sir! + +FALSTAFF. +Now, Master Brook, you come to know what hath passed between me and +Ford’s wife? + +FORD. +That, indeed, Sir John, is my business. + +FALSTAFF. +Master Brook, I will not lie to you: I was at her house the hour she +appointed me. + +FORD. +And how sped you, sir? + +FALSTAFF. +Very ill-favouredly, Master Brook. + +FORD. +How so, sir? did she change her determination? + +FALSTAFF. +No. Master Brook; but the peaking cornuto her husband, Master Brook, +dwelling in a continual ’larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of +our encounter, after we had embraced, kissed, protested, and, as it +were, spoke the prologue of our comedy; and at his heels a rabble of +his companions, thither provoked and instigated by his distemper, and, +forsooth, to search his house for his wife’s love. + +FORD. +What! while you were there? + +FALSTAFF. +While I was there. + +FORD. +And did he search for you, and could not find you? + +FALSTAFF. +You shall hear. As good luck would have it, comes in one Mistress Page; +gives intelligence of Ford’s approach; and, in her invention and Ford’s +wife’s distraction, they conveyed me into a buck-basket. + +FORD. +A buck-basket! + +FALSTAFF. +By the Lord, a buck-basket! rammed me in with foul shirts and smocks, +socks, foul stockings, greasy napkins, that, Master Brook, there was +the rankest compound of villainous smell that ever offended nostril. + +FORD. +And how long lay you there? + +FALSTAFF. +Nay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I have suffered to bring this +woman to evil for your good. Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple +of Ford’s knaves, his hinds, were called forth by their mistress to +carry me in the name of foul clothes to Datchet-lane; they took me on +their shoulders; met the jealous knave their master in the door; who +asked them once or twice what they had in their basket. I quaked for +fear lest the lunatic knave would have searched it; but Fate, ordaining +he should be a cuckold, held his hand. Well, on went he for a search, +and away went I for foul clothes. But mark the sequel, Master Brook: I +suffered the pangs of three several deaths: first, an intolerable +fright to be detected with a jealous rotten bell-wether; next, to be +compassed like a good bilbo in the circumference of a peck, hilt to +point, heel to head; and then, to be stopped in, like a strong +distillation, with stinking clothes that fretted in their own grease: +think of that; a man of my kidney, think of that, that am as subject to +heat as butter; a man of continual dissolution and thaw: it was a +miracle to ’scape suffocation. And in the height of this bath, when I +was more than half stewed in grease, like a Dutch dish, to be thrown +into the Thames, and cooled, glowing hot, in that surge, like a +horse-shoe; think of that, hissing hot, think of that, Master Brook! + +FORD. +In good sadness, sir, I am sorry that for my sake you have suffered all +this. My suit, then, is desperate; you’ll undertake her no more. + +FALSTAFF. +Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I have been into Thames, +ere I will leave her thus. Her husband is this morning gone a-birding; +I have received from her another embassy of meeting; ’twixt eight and +nine is the hour, Master Brook. + +FORD. +’Tis past eight already, sir. + +FALSTAFF. +Is it? I will then address me to my appointment. Come to me at your +convenient leisure, and you shall know how I speed, and the conclusion +shall be crowned with your enjoying her: adieu. You shall have her, +Master Brook; Master Brook, you shall cuckold Ford. + +[_Exit Falstaff._] + +FORD +Hum! ha! Is this a vision? Is this a dream? Do I sleep? Master Ford, +awake; awake, Master Ford. There’s a hole made in your best coat, +Master Ford. This ’tis to be married; this ’tis to have linen and +buck-baskets! Well, I will proclaim myself what I am; I will now take +the lecher; he is at my house. He cannot scape me; ’tis impossible he +should; he cannot creep into a half-penny purse, nor into a pepper box; +but, lest the devil that guides him should aid him, I will search +impossible places. Though what I am I cannot avoid, yet to be what I +would not, shall not make me tame; if I have horns to make one mad, let +the proverb go with me; I’ll be horn-mad. + +[_Exit._] + + + + +ACT IV + +SCENE I. The street + + +Enter Mistress Page, Mistress Quickly and William. + +MRS. PAGE. +Is he at Master Ford’s already, think’st thou? + +QUICKLY. +Sure he is by this; or will be presently; but truly he is very +courageous mad about his throwing into the water. Mistress Ford desires +you to come suddenly. + +MRS. PAGE. +I’ll be with her by and by; I’ll but bring my young man here to school. +Look where his master comes; ’tis a playing day, I see. + +Enter Sir Hugh Evans. + +How now, Sir Hugh, no school today? + +EVANS. +No; Master Slender is let the boys leave to play. + +QUICKLY. +Blessing of his heart! + +MRS. PAGE. +Sir Hugh, my husband says my son profits nothing in the world at his +book; I pray you ask him some questions in his accidence. + +EVANS. +Come hither, William; hold up your head; come. + +MRS. PAGE. +Come on, sirrah; hold up your head; answer your master; be not afraid. + +EVANS. +William, how many numbers is in nouns? + +WILLIAM. +Two. + +QUICKLY. +Truly, I thought there had been one number more, because they say “Od’s +nouns.” + +EVANS. +Peace your tattlings! What is “fair,” William? + +WILLIAM. +Pulcher. + +QUICKLY. +Polecats! There are fairer things than polecats, sure. + +EVANS. +You are a very simplicity ’oman; I pray you, peace. What is “lapis,” +William? + +WILLIAM. +A stone. + +EVANS. +And what is “a stone,” William? + +WILLIAM. +A pebble. + +EVANS. +No, it is “lapis”; I pray you remember in your prain. + +WILLIAM. +Lapis. + +EVANS. +That is a good William. What is he, William, that does lend articles? + +WILLIAM. +Articles are borrowed of the pronoun, and be thus declined: +Singulariter, nominativo; hic, haec, hoc. + +EVANS. +Nominativo, hig, hag, hog; pray you, mark: genitivo, hujus. Well, what +is your accusative case? + +WILLIAM. +Accusativo, hinc. + +EVANS. +I pray you, have your remembrance, child. Accusativo, hung, hang, hog. + +QUICKLY. +“Hang-hog” is Latin for bacon, I warrant you. + +EVANS. +Leave your prabbles, ’oman. What is the focative case, William? + +WILLIAM. +O vocativo, O. + +EVANS. +Remember, William: focative is caret. + +QUICKLY. +And that’s a good root. + +EVANS. +’Oman, forbear. + +MRS. PAGE. +Peace. + +EVANS. +What is your genitive case plural, William? + +WILLIAM. +Genitive case? + +EVANS. +Ay. + +WILLIAM. +Genitive: horum, harum, horum. + +QUICKLY. +Vengeance of Jenny’s case; fie on her! Never name her, child, if she be +a whore. + +EVANS. +For shame, ’oman. + +QUICKLY. +You do ill to teach the child such words. He teaches him to hick and to +hack, which they’ll do fast enough of themselves; and to call “horum;” +fie upon you! + +EVANS. +’Oman, art thou lunatics? Hast thou no understandings for thy cases, +and the numbers of the genders? Thou art as foolish Christian creatures +as I would desires. + +MRS. PAGE. +Prithee, hold thy peace. + +EVANS. +Show me now, William, some declensions of your pronouns. + +WILLIAM. +Forsooth, I have forgot. + +EVANS. +It is qui, quae, quod; if you forget your “quis”, your “quaes”, and +your “quods”, you must be preeches. Go your ways and play; go. + +MRS. PAGE. +He is a better scholar than I thought he was. + +EVANS. +He is a good sprag memory. Farewell, Mistress Page. + +MRS. PAGE. +Adieu, good Sir Hugh. + +[_Exit Sir Hugh Evans._] + +Get you home, boy. Come, we stay too long. + +[_Exeunt._] + +SCENE II. A room in Ford’s house + +Enter Falstaff and Mistress Ford. + +FALSTAFF. +Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my sufferance. I see you are +obsequious in your love, and I profess requital to a hair’s breadth; +not only, Mistress Ford, in the simple office of love, but in all the +accoutrement, complement, and ceremony of it. But are you sure of your +husband now? + +MRS. FORD. +He’s a-birding, sweet Sir John. + +MRS. PAGE. +[_Within_.] What ho! gossip Ford, what ho! + +MRS. FORD. +Step into the chamber, Sir John. + +[_Exit Falstaff._] + +Enter Mistress Page. + +MRS. PAGE. +How now, sweetheart! who’s at home besides yourself? + +MRS. FORD. +Why, none but mine own people. + +MRS. PAGE. +Indeed! + +MRS. FORD. +No, certainly.— +[_Aside to her_.] Speak louder. + +MRS. PAGE. +Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here. + +MRS. FORD. +Why? + +MRS. PAGE. +Why, woman, your husband is in his old lunes again. He so takes on +yonder with my husband; so rails against all married mankind; so curses +all Eve’s daughters, of what complexion soever; and so buffets himself +on the forehead, crying “Peer out, peer out!” that any madness I ever +yet beheld seemed but tameness, civility, and patience, to this his +distemper he is in now. I am glad the fat knight is not here. + +MRS. FORD. +Why, does he talk of him? + +MRS. PAGE. +Of none but him; and swears he was carried out, the last time he +searched for him, in a basket; protests to my husband he is now here; +and hath drawn him and the rest of their company from their sport, to +make another experiment of his suspicion. But I am glad the knight is +not here; now he shall see his own foolery. + +MRS. FORD. +How near is he, Mistress Page? + +MRS. PAGE. +Hard by, at street end; he will be here anon. + +MRS. FORD. +I am undone! the knight is here. + +MRS. PAGE. +Why, then, you are utterly shamed, and he’s but a dead man. What a +woman are you! Away with him, away with him! better shame than murder. + +MRS. FORD. +Which way should he go? How should I bestow him? Shall I put him into +the basket again? + +Re-enter Falstaff. + +FALSTAFF +No, I’ll come no more i’ the basket. May I not go out ere he come? + +MRS. PAGE. +Alas! three of Master Ford’s brothers watch the door with pistols, that +none shall issue out; otherwise you might slip away ere he came. But +what make you here? + +FALSTAFF. +What shall I do? I’ll creep up into the chimney. + +MRS. FORD. +There they always use to discharge their birding-pieces. + +MRS. PAGE. +Creep into the kiln-hole. + +FALSTAFF. +Where is it? + +MRS. FORD. +He will seek there, on my word. Neither press, coffer, chest, trunk, +well, vault, but he hath an abstract for the remembrance of such +places, and goes to them by his note: there is no hiding you in the +house. + +FALSTAFF. +I’ll go out then. + +MRS. PAGE. +If you go out in your own semblance, you die, Sir John. Unless you go +out disguised,— + +MRS. FORD. +How might we disguise him? + +MRS. PAGE. +Alas the day! I know not! There is no woman’s gown big enough for him; +otherwise he might put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and so +escape. + +FALSTAFF. +Good hearts, devise something: any extremity rather than a mischief. + +MRS. FORD. +My maid’s aunt, the fat woman of Brainford, has a gown above. + +MRS. PAGE. +On my word, it will serve him; she’s as big as he is; and there’s her +thrummed hat, and her muffler too. Run up, Sir John. + +MRS. FORD. +Go, go, sweet Sir John. Mistress Page and I will look some linen for +your head. + +MRS. PAGE. +Quick, quick! we’ll come dress you straight; put on the gown the while. + +[_Exit Falstaff._] + +MRS. FORD +I would my husband would meet him in this shape; he cannot abide the +old woman of Brainford; he swears she’s a witch, forbade her my house, +and hath threatened to beat her. + +MRS. PAGE. +Heaven guide him to thy husband’s cudgel; and the devil guide his +cudgel afterwards! + +MRS. FORD. +But is my husband coming? + +MRS. PAGE. +Ay, in good sadness is he; and talks of the basket too, howsoever he +hath had intelligence. + +MRS. FORD. +We’ll try that; for I’ll appoint my men to carry the basket again, to +meet him at the door with it as they did last time. + +MRS. PAGE. +Nay, but he’ll be here presently; let’s go dress him like the witch of +Brainford. + +MRS. FORD. +I’ll first direct my men what they shall do with the basket. Go up; +I’ll bring linen for him straight. + +[_Exit Mistress Ford._] + +MRS. PAGE +Hang him, dishonest varlet! we cannot misuse him enough. +We’ll leave a proof, by that which we will do, +Wives may be merry and yet honest too. +We do not act that often jest and laugh; +’Tis old but true: “Still swine eats all the draff.” + +[_Exit._] + +Re-enter Mistress Ford with two Servants. + +MRS. FORD. +Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders; your master is hard +at door; if he bid you set it down, obey him. Quickly, dispatch. + +[_Exit Mistress Ford._] + +FIRST SERVANT +Come, come, take it up. + +SECOND SERVANT. +Pray heaven, it be not full of knight again. + +FIRST SERVANT. +I hope not; I had lief as bear so much lead. + +Enter Ford, Page, Shallow, Caius and Sir Hugh Evans. + +FORD +Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you any way then to unfool +me again? Set down the basket, villain! Somebody call my wife. Youth in +a basket! O you panderly rascals! there’s a knot, a ging, a pack, a +conspiracy against me. Now shall the devil be shamed. What, wife, I +say! Come, come forth! behold what honest clothes you send forth to +bleaching! + +PAGE. +Why, this passes, Master Ford! you are not to go loose any longer; you +must be pinioned. + +EVANS. +Why, this is lunatics! this is mad as a mad dog. + +SHALLOW. +Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed. + +FORD. +So say I too, sir.— + +Re-enter Mistress Ford. + +Come hither, Mistress Ford, the honest woman, the modest wife, the +virtuous creature, that hath the jealous fool to her husband! I suspect +without cause, Mistress, do I? + +MRS. FORD. +Heaven be my witness, you do, if you suspect me in any dishonesty. + +FORD. +Well said, brazen-face! hold it out. Come forth, sirrah. + +[_Pulling clothes out of the basket._] + +PAGE. +This passes! + +MRS. FORD. +Are you not ashamed? Let the clothes alone. + +FORD. +I shall find you anon. + +EVANS. +’Tis unreasonable. Will you take up your wife’s clothes? Come away. + +FORD. +Empty the basket, I say! + +MRS. FORD. +Why, man, why? + +FORD. +Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed out of my house +yesterday in this basket: why may not he be there again? In my house I +am sure he is; my intelligence is true; my jealousy is reasonable. +Pluck me out all the linen. + +MRS. FORD. +If you find a man there, he shall die a flea’s death. + +PAGE. +Here’s no man. + +SHALLOW. +By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford; this wrongs you. + +EVANS. +Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the imaginations of your own +heart; this is jealousies. + +FORD. +Well, he’s not here I seek for. + +PAGE. +No, nor nowhere else but in your brain. + +[_Servants carry away the basket._] + +FORD +Help to search my house this one time. If I find not what I seek, show +no colour for my extremity; let me for ever be your table-sport; let +them say of me “As jealous as Ford, that searched a hollow walnut for +his wife’s leman.” Satisfy me once more; once more search with me. + +MRS. FORD. +What, hoa, Mistress Page! Come you and the old woman down; my husband +will come into the chamber. + +FORD. +Old woman? what old woman’s that? + +MRS. FORD. +Why, it is my maid’s aunt of Brainford. + +FORD. +A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have I not forbid her my +house? She comes of errands, does she? We are simple men; we do not +know what’s brought to pass under the profession of fortune-telling. +She works by charms, by spells, by the figure, and such daubery as this +is, beyond our element. We know nothing. Come down, you witch, you hag +you; come down, I say! + +MRS. FORD. +Nay, good sweet husband! Good gentlemen, let him not strike the old +woman. + +Re-enter Falstaff in woman’s clothes, led by Mistress Page. + +MRS. PAGE +Come, Mother Prat; come, give me your hand. + +FORD. +I’ll prat her.—[_Beats him_.] Out of my door, you witch, you rag, you +baggage, you polecat, you ronyon! Out, out! I’ll conjure you, I’ll +fortune-tell you. + +[_Exit Falstaff._] + +MRS. PAGE +Are you not ashamed? I think you have killed the poor woman. + +MRS. FORD. +Nay, he will do it. ’Tis a goodly credit for you. + +FORD. +Hang her, witch! + +EVANS. By yea and no, I think the ’oman is a witch indeed; I like not +when a ’oman has a great peard; I spy a great peard under her muffler. + +FORD. +Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you follow; see but the issue of +my jealousy; if I cry out thus upon no trail, never trust me when I +open again. + +PAGE. +Let’s obey his humour a little further. Come, gentlemen. + +[_Exeunt Ford, Page, Shallow, Caius and Evans._] + +MRS. PAGE +Trust me, he beat him most pitifully. + +MRS. FORD. +Nay, by the mass, that he did not; he beat him most unpitifully +methought. + +MRS. PAGE. +I’ll have the cudgel hallowed and hung o’er the altar; it hath done +meritorious service. + +MRS. FORD. +What think you? May we, with the warrant of womanhood and the witness +of a good conscience, pursue him with any further revenge? + +MRS. PAGE. The spirit of wantonness is sure scared out of him; if the +devil have him not in fee-simple, with fine and recovery, he will +never, I think, in the way of waste, attempt us again. + +MRS. FORD. +Shall we tell our husbands how we have served him? + +MRS. PAGE. +Yes, by all means; if it be but to scrape the figures out of your +husband’s brains. If they can find in their hearts the poor unvirtuous +fat knight shall be any further afflicted, we two will still be the +ministers. + +MRS. FORD. +I’ll warrant they’ll have him publicly shamed; and methinks there would +be no period to the jest, should he not be publicly shamed. + +MRS. PAGE. +Come, to the forge with it then; shape it. I would not have things +cool. + +[_Exeunt._] + +SCENE III. A room in the Garter Inn + +Enter Host and Bardolph. + +BARDOLPH. +Sir, the Germans desire to have three of your horses; the Duke himself +will be tomorrow at court, and they are going to meet him. + +HOST. +What duke should that be comes so secretly? I hear not of him in the +court. Let me speak with the gentlemen; they speak English? + +BARDOLPH. +Ay, sir; I’ll call them to you. + +HOST. +They shall have my horses, but I’ll make them pay; I’ll sauce them; +they have had my house a week at command; I have turned away my other +guests. They must come off; I’ll sauce them. Come. + +[_Exeunt._] + +SCENE IV. A room in Ford’s house + +Enter Page, Ford, Mistress Page, Mistress Ford and Sir Hugh Evans. + +EVANS. +’Tis one of the best discretions of a ’oman as ever I did look upon. + +PAGE. +And did he send you both these letters at an instant? + +MRS. PAGE. +Within a quarter of an hour. + +FORD. +Pardon me, wife. Henceforth, do what thou wilt; +I rather will suspect the sun with cold +Than thee with wantonness: now doth thy honour stand, +In him that was of late an heretic, +As firm as faith. + +PAGE. +’Tis well, ’tis well; no more. +Be not as extreme in submission +As in offence; +But let our plot go forward: let our wives +Yet once again, to make us public sport, +Appoint a meeting with this old fat fellow, +Where we may take him and disgrace him for it. + +FORD. +There is no better way than that they spoke of. + +PAGE. +How? To send him word they’ll meet him in the park at midnight? Fie, +fie! he’ll never come! + +EVANS. +You say he has been thrown in the rivers; and has been grievously +peaten as an old ’oman; methinks there should be terrors in him, that +he should not come; methinks his flesh is punished; he shall have no +desires. + +PAGE. +So think I too. + +MRS. FORD. +Devise but how you’ll use him when he comes, +And let us two devise to bring him thither. + +MRS. PAGE. +There is an old tale goes that Herne the hunter, +Sometime a keeper here in Windsor Forest, +Doth all the winter-time, at still midnight, +Walk round about an oak, with great ragg’d horns; +And there he blasts the tree, and takes the cattle, +And makes milch-kine yield blood, and shakes a chain +In a most hideous and dreadful manner: +You have heard of such a spirit, and well you know +The superstitious idle-headed eld +Received, and did deliver to our age, +This tale of Herne the hunter for a truth. + +PAGE. +Why, yet there want not many that do fear +In deep of night to walk by this Herne’s oak. +But what of this? + +MRS. FORD. +Marry, this is our device; +That Falstaff at that oak shall meet with us, +Disguis’d, like Herne, with huge horns on his head. + +PAGE. +Well, let it not be doubted but he’ll come, +And in this shape. When you have brought him thither, +What shall be done with him? What is your plot? + +MRS. PAGE. +That likewise have we thought upon, and thus: +Nan Page my daughter, and my little son, +And three or four more of their growth, we’ll dress +Like urchins, ouphs, and fairies, green and white, +With rounds of waxen tapers on their heads, +And rattles in their hands. Upon a sudden, +As Falstaff, she, and I, are newly met, +Let them from forth a sawpit rush at once +With some diffusèd song; upon their sight +We two in great amazèdness will fly: +Then let them all encircle him about, +And fairy-like, to pinch the unclean knight; +And ask him why, that hour of fairy revel, +In their so sacred paths he dares to tread +In shape profane. + +MRS. FORD. +And till he tell the truth, +Let the supposèd fairies pinch him sound, +And burn him with their tapers. + +MRS. PAGE. +The truth being known, +We’ll all present ourselves; dis-horn the spirit, +And mock him home to Windsor. + +FORD. +The children must +Be practis’d well to this or they’ll ne’er do ’t. + +EVANS. +I will teach the children their behaviours; and I will be like a +jack-an-apes also, to burn the knight with my taber. + +FORD. +That will be excellent. I’ll go buy them vizards. + +MRS. PAGE. +My Nan shall be the Queen of all the Fairies, +Finely attired in a robe of white. + +PAGE. +That silk will I go buy. +[_Aside_.] And in that time +Shall Master Slender steal my Nan away, +And marry her at Eton. Go, send to Falstaff straight. + +FORD. +Nay, I’ll to him again, in name of Brook; +He’ll tell me all his purpose. Sure, he’ll come. + +MRS. PAGE. +Fear not you that. Go, get us properties +And tricking for our fairies. + +EVANS. +Let us about it. It is admirable pleasures, and fery honest knaveries. + +[_Exeunt Page, Ford and Evans._] + +MRS. PAGE +Go, Mistress Ford. +Send Quickly to Sir John to know his mind. + +[_Exit Mrs. Ford._] + +I’ll to the Doctor; he hath my good will, +And none but he, to marry with Nan Page. +That Slender, though well landed, is an idiot; +And he my husband best of all affects: +The Doctor is well money’d, and his friends +Potent at court: he, none but he, shall have her, +Though twenty thousand worthier come to crave her. + +[_Exit._] + +SCENE V. A room in the Garter Inn + +Enter Host and Simple. + +HOST. +What wouldst thou have, boor? What, thick-skin? Speak, breathe, +discuss; brief, short, quick, snap. + +SIMPLE. +Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff from Master Slender. + +HOST. +There’s his chamber, his house, his castle, his standing-bed and +truckle-bed; ’tis painted about with the story of the Prodigal, fresh +and new. Go knock and call; he’ll speak like an Anthropophaginian unto +thee; knock, I say. + +SIMPLE. +There’s an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his chamber; I’ll be so +bold as stay, sir, till she come down; I come to speak with her, +indeed. + +HOST. +Ha! a fat woman? The knight may be robbed. I’ll call. Bully knight! +Bully Sir John! Speak from thy lungs military. Art thou there? It is +thine host, thine Ephesian, calls. + +FALSTAFF. +[_Above_.] How now, mine host? + +HOST. +Here’s a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down of thy fat woman. Let +her descend, bully, let her descend; my chambers are honourible. Fie! +privacy? fie! + +Enter Falstaff. + +FALSTAFF +There was, mine host, an old fat woman even now with me; but she’s +gone. + +SIMPLE. +Pray you, sir, was’t not the wise woman of Brainford? + +FALSTAFF. +Ay, marry was it, mussel-shell: what would you with her? + +SIMPLE. +My master, sir, my Master Slender, sent to her, seeing her go thorough +the streets, to know, sir, whether one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a +chain, had the chain or no. + +FALSTAFF. +I spake with the old woman about it. + +SIMPLE. +And what says she, I pray, sir? + +FALSTAFF. +Marry, she says that the very same man that beguiled Master Slender of +his chain cozened him of it. + +SIMPLE. +I would I could have spoken with the woman herself; I had other things +to have spoken with her too, from him. + +FALSTAFF. +What are they? Let us know. + +HOST. +Ay, come; quick. + +SIMPLE. +I may not conceal them, sir. + +FALSTAFF. +Conceal them, or thou diest. + +SIMPLE. +Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress Anne Page: to know if it +were my master’s fortune to have her or no. + +FALSTAFF. +’Tis, ’tis his fortune. + +SIMPLE. +What sir? + +FALSTAFF. +To have her, or no. Go; say the woman told me so. + +SIMPLE. +May I be bold to say so, sir? + +FALSTAFF. +Ay, Sir Tike; like who more bold? + +SIMPLE. +I thank your worship; I shall make my master glad with these tidings. + +[_Exit Simple._] + +HOST +Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was there a wise woman +with thee? + +FALSTAFF. +Ay, that there was, mine host; one that hath taught me more wit than +ever I learned before in my life; and I paid nothing for it neither, +but was paid for my learning. + +Enter Bardolph. + +BARDOLPH +Out, alas, sir! cozenage, mere cozenage! + +HOST. +Where be my horses? Speak well of them, varletto. + +BARDOLPH. +Run away, with the cozeners; for so soon as I came beyond Eton, they +threw me off, from behind one of them, in a slough of mire; and set +spurs and away, like three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses. + +HOST. +They are gone but to meet the Duke, villain; do not say they be fled; +Germans are honest men. + +Enter Sir Hugh Evans. + +EVANS +Where is mine host? + +HOST. +What is the matter, sir? + +EVANS. +Have a care of your entertainments: there is a friend of mine come to +town tells me there is three cozen-germans that has cozened all the +hosts of Readins, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and money. I +tell you for good will, look you; you are wise, and full of gibes and +vlouting-stogs, and ’tis not convenient you should be cozened. Fare you +well. + +[_Exit Evans._] + +Enter Doctor Caius. + +CAIUS. +Vere is mine host de Jarteer? + +HOST. +Here, Master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful dilemma. + +CAIUS. +I cannot tell vat is dat; but it is tell-a me dat you make grand +preparation for a Duke de Jamany. By my trot, dere is no duke that the +court is know to come; I tell you for good will: Adieu. + +[_Exit Doctor Caius._] + +HOST +Hue and cry, villain, go! Assist me, knight; I am undone. Fly, run, hue +and cry, villain; I am undone! + +[_Exeunt Host and Bardolph._] + +FALSTAFF +I would all the world might be cozened, for I have been cozened and +beaten too. If it should come to the ear of the court how I have been +transformed, and how my transformation hath been washed and cudgelled, +they would melt me out of my fat, drop by drop, and liquor fishermen’s +boots with me; I warrant they would whip me with their fine wits till I +were as crest-fallen as a dried pear. I never prospered since I +forswore myself at primero. Well, if my wind were but long enough to +say my prayers, I would repent. + +Enter Mistress Quickly. + +Now! whence come you? + +QUICKLY. +From the two parties, forsooth. + +FALSTAFF. +The devil take one party and his dam the other! And so they shall be +both bestowed. I have suffered more for their sakes, more than the +villainous inconstancy of man’s disposition is able to bear. + +QUICKLY. +And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant; speciously one of them; +Mistress Ford, good heart, is beaten black and blue, that you cannot +see a white spot about her. + +FALSTAFF. +What tellest thou me of black and blue? I was beaten myself into all +the colours of the rainbow; and was like to be apprehended for the +witch of Brainford. But that my admirable dexterity of wit, my +counterfeiting the action of an old woman, delivered me, the knave +constable had set me i’ the stocks, i’ the common stocks, for a witch. + +QUICKLY. +Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber; you shall hear how things +go, and, I warrant, to your content. Here is a letter will say +somewhat. Good hearts, what ado here is to bring you together! Sure, +one of you does not serve heaven well, that you are so crossed. + +FALSTAFF. +Come up into my chamber. + +[_Exeunt._] + +SCENE VI. Another room in the Garter Inn + +Enter Fenton and Host. + +HOST. +Master Fenton, talk not to me; my mind is heavy; I will give over all. + +FENTON. +Yet hear me speak. Assist me in my purpose, +And, as I am a gentleman, I’ll give thee +A hundred pound in gold more than your loss. + +HOST. +I will hear you, Master Fenton; and I will, at the least, keep your +counsel. + +FENTON. +From time to time I have acquainted you +With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page, +Who, mutually, hath answered my affection, +So far forth as herself might be her chooser, +Even to my wish. I have a letter from her +Of such contents as you will wonder at; +The mirth whereof so larded with my matter +That neither, singly, can be manifested +Without the show of both; wherein fat Falstaff +Hath a great scare: the image of the jest +I’ll show you here at large. Hark, good mine host: +Tonight at Herne’s oak, just ’twixt twelve and one, +Must my sweet Nan present the Fairy Queen; +The purpose why is here: in which disguise, +While other jests are something rank on foot, +Her father hath commanded her to slip +Away with Slender, and with him at Eton +Immediately to marry; she hath consented: +Now, sir, +Her mother, even strong against that match +And firm for Doctor Caius, hath appointed +That he shall likewise shuffle her away, +While other sports are tasking of their minds; +And at the deanery, where a priest attends, +Straight marry her: to this her mother’s plot +She seemingly obedient likewise hath +Made promise to the doctor. Now thus it rests: +Her father means she shall be all in white; +And in that habit, when Slender sees his time +To take her by the hand and bid her go, +She shall go with him: her mother hath intended +The better to denote her to the doctor,— +For they must all be mask’d and vizarded— +That quaint in green she shall be loose enrob’d, +With ribands pendent, flaring ’bout her head; +And when the doctor spies his vantage ripe, +To pinch her by the hand: and, on that token, +The maid hath given consent to go with him. + +HOST. +Which means she to deceive, father or mother? + +FENTON. +Both, my good host, to go along with me: +And here it rests, that you’ll procure the vicar +To stay for me at church, ’twixt twelve and one, +And in the lawful name of marrying, +To give our hearts united ceremony. + +HOST. +Well, husband your device; I’ll to the vicar. +Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest. + +FENTON. +So shall I evermore be bound to thee; +Besides, I’ll make a present recompense. + +[_Exeunt._] + + + + +ACT V + +SCENE I. A room in the Garter Inn + + +Enter Falstaff and Mistress Quickly. + +FALSTAFF. +Prithee, no more prattling; go: I’ll hold. This is the third time; I +hope good luck lies in odd numbers. Away! go. They say there is +divinity in odd numbers, either in nativity, chance, or death. Away! + +QUICKLY. +I’ll provide you a chain, and I’ll do what I can to get you a pair of +horns. + +FALSTAFF. +Away, I say; time wears; hold up your head, and mince. + +[_Exit Mrs. Quickly._] + +Enter Ford. + +How now, Master Brook! Master Brook, the matter will be known tonight, +or never. Be you in the Park about midnight, at Herne’s oak, and you +shall see wonders. + +FORD. +Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as you told me you had appointed? + +FALSTAFF. +I went to her, Master Brook, as you see, like a poor old man; but I +came from her, Master Brook, like a poor old woman. That same knave +Ford, her husband, hath the finest mad devil of jealousy in him, Master +Brook, that ever governed frenzy. I will tell you: he beat me +grievously in the shape of a woman; for in the shape of man, Master +Brook, I fear not Goliath with a weaver’s beam, because I know also +life is a shuttle. I am in haste; go along with me; I’ll tell you all, +Master Brook. Since I plucked geese, played truant, and whipped top, I +knew not what ’twas to be beaten till lately. Follow me: I’ll tell you +strange things of this knave Ford, on whom tonight I will be revenged, +and I will deliver his wife into your hand. Follow. Strange things in +hand, Master Brook! Follow. + +[_Exeunt._] + +SCENE II. Windsor Park + +Enter Page, Shallow and Slender. + +PAGE. +Come, come; we’ll couch i’ the castle-ditch till we see the light of +our fairies. Remember, son Slender, my daughter. + +SLENDER. +Ay, forsooth; I have spoke with her, and we have a nay-word how to know +one another. I come to her in white and cry “mum”; she cries “budget,” +and by that we know one another. + +SHALLOW. +That’s good too; but what needs either your “mum” or her “budget”? The +white will decipher her well enough. It hath struck ten o’clock. + +PAGE. +The night is dark; light and spirits will become it well. Heaven +prosper our sport! No man means evil but the devil, and we shall know +him by his horns. Let’s away; follow me. + +[_Exeunt._] + +SCENE III. The street in Windsor + +Enter Mistress Page, Mistress Ford and Doctor Caius. + +MRS. PAGE. +Master Doctor, my daughter is in green; when you see your time, take +her by the hand, away with her to the deanery, and dispatch it quickly. +Go before into the Park; we two must go together. + +CAIUS. +I know vat I have to do; adieu. + +MRS. PAGE. +Fare you well, sir. + +[_Exit Caius._] + +My husband will not rejoice so much at the abuse of Falstaff as he will +chafe at the doctor’s marrying my daughter; but ’tis no matter; better +a little chiding than a great deal of heart break. + +MRS. FORD. +Where is Nan now, and her troop of fairies, and the Welsh devil, Hugh? + +MRS. PAGE. +They are all couched in a pit hard by Herne’s oak, with obscured +lights; which, at the very instant of Falstaff’s and our meeting, they +will at once display to the night. + +MRS. FORD. +That cannot choose but amaze him. + +MRS. PAGE. +If he be not amazed, he will be mocked; if he be amazed, he will every +way be mocked. + +MRS. FORD. +We’ll betray him finely. + +MRS. PAGE. +Against such lewdsters and their lechery, +Those that betray them do no treachery. + +MRS. FORD. +The hour draws on: to the oak, to the oak! + +[_Exeunt._] + +SCENE IV. Windsor Park + +Enter Sir Hugh Evans disguised, with others as Fairies. + +EVANS. +Trib, trib, fairies; come; and remember your parts. Be pold, I pray +you; follow me into the pit; and when I give the watch-ords, do as I +pid you. Come, come; trib, trib. + +[_Exeunt._] + +SCENE V. Another part of the Park + +Enter Falstaff disguised as Herne with a buck’s head on. + +FALSTAFF. +The Windsor bell hath struck twelve; the minute draws on. Now the +hot-blooded gods assist me! Remember, Jove, thou wast a bull for thy +Europa; love set on thy horns. O powerful love! that in some respects, +makes a beast a man; in some other a man a beast. You were also, +Jupiter, a swan, for the love of Leda. O omnipotent love! how near the +god drew to the complexion of a goose! A fault done first in the form +of a beast; O Jove, a beastly fault! and then another fault in the +semblance of a fowl: think on’t, Jove, a foul fault! When gods have hot +backs what shall poor men do? For me, I am here a Windsor stag; and the +fattest, I think, i’ the forest. Send me a cool rut-time, Jove, or who +can blame me to piss my tallow? Who comes here? my doe? + +Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page. + +MRS. FORD +Sir John! Art thou there, my deer? my male deer? + +FALSTAFF. +My doe with the black scut! Let the sky rain potatoes; let it thunder +to the tune of “Greensleeves”; hail kissing-comfits and snow eringoes; +let there come a tempest of provocation, I will shelter me here. + +[_Embracing her._] + +MRS. FORD +Mistress Page is come with me, sweetheart. + +FALSTAFF. +Divide me like a brib’d buck, each a haunch; I will keep my sides to +myself, my shoulders for the fellow of this walk, and my horns I +bequeath your husbands. Am I a woodman, ha? Speak I like Herne the +hunter? Why, now is Cupid a child of conscience; he makes restitution. +As I am a true spirit, welcome! + +[_Noise within._] + +MRS. PAGE +Alas! what noise? + +MRS. FORD. +Heaven forgive our sins! + +FALSTAFF. +What should this be? + +MRS. FORD. +Away, away! + +MRS. PAGE. +Away, away! + +[_They run off._] + +FALSTAFF +I think the devil will not have me damned, lest the oil that’s in me +should set hell on fire; he would never else cross me thus. + +Enter Sir Hugh Evans like a Satyr, Pistol as a Hobgoblin, Anne Page as +the the Fairy Queen, attended by her Brothers and Others, as fairies, +with waxen tapers on their heads. + +ANNE +Fairies, black, grey, green, and white, +You moonshine revellers, and shades of night, +You orphan heirs of fixèd destiny, +Attend your office and your quality. +Crier Hobgoblin, make the fairy oyes. + +PISTOL. +Elves, list your names: silence, you airy toys! +Cricket, to Windsor chimneys shalt thou leap: +Where fires thou find’st unrak’d, and hearths unswept, +There pinch the maids as blue as bilberry: +Our radiant Queen hates sluts and sluttery. + +FALSTAFF. +They are fairies; he that speaks to them shall die: +I’ll wink and couch: no man their works must eye. + +[_Lies down upon his face._] + +EVANS +Where’s Bede? Go you, and where you find a maid +That, ere she sleep, has thrice her prayers said, +Rein up the organs of her fantasy, +Sleep she as sound as careless infancy; +But those as sleep and think not on their sins, +Pinch them, arms, legs, backs, shoulders, sides, and shins. + +ANNE. +About, about! +Search Windsor castle, elves, within and out: +Strew good luck, ouphes, on every sacred room, +That it may stand till the perpetual doom, +In state as wholesome as in state ’tis fit, +Worthy the owner and the owner it. +The several chairs of order look you scour +With juice of balm and every precious flower: +Each fair instalment, coat, and several crest, +With loyal blazon, evermore be blest! +And nightly, meadow-fairies, look you sing, +Like to the Garter’s compass, in a ring: +The expressure that it bears, green let it be, +More fertile-fresh than all the field to see; +And “Honi soit qui mal y pense” write +In emerald tufts, flowers purple, blue and white; +Like sapphire, pearl, and rich embroidery, +Buckled below fair knighthood’s bending knee. +Fairies use flowers for their charactery. +Away! disperse! But, till ’tis one o’clock, +Our dance of custom round about the oak +Of Herne the hunter let us not forget. + +EVANS. +Pray you, lock hand in hand; yourselves in order set; +And twenty glow-worms shall our lanterns be, +To guide our measure round about the tree. +But, stay; I smell a man of middle-earth. + +FALSTAFF. +Heavens defend me from that Welsh fairy, lest he transform me to a +piece of cheese! + +PISTOL. +Vile worm, thou wast o’erlook’d even in thy birth. + +ANNE. +With trial-fire touch me his finger-end: +If he be chaste, the flame will back descend +And turn him to no pain; but if he start, +It is the flesh of a corrupted heart. + +PISTOL. +A trial! come. + +EVANS. +Come, will this wood take fire? + +[_They burn him with their tapers._] + +FALSTAFF +Oh, oh, oh! + +ANNE. +Corrupt, corrupt, and tainted in desire! +About him, fairies; sing a scornful rhyme; +And, as you trip, still pinch him to your time. +SONG. + +Fie on sinful fantasy! +Fie on lust and luxury! +Lust is but a bloody fire, +Kindled with unchaste desire, +Fed in heart, whose flames aspire, +As thoughts do blow them, higher and higher. +Pinch him, fairies, mutually; +Pinch him for his villany; +Pinch him and burn him and turn him about, +Till candles and star-light and moonshine be out. + +[_During this song the Fairies pinch Falstaff. Doctor Caius comes one +way, and steals away a fairy in green; Slender another way, and takes +off a fairy in white; and Fenton comes, and steals away Anne Page. A +noise of hunting is heard within. All the fairies run away. Falstaff +pulls off his buck’s head, and rises._] + +Enter Page, Ford, Mistress Page, Mistress Ford. They lay hold on +Falstaff. + +PAGE. +Nay, do not fly; I think we have watch’d you now: +Will none but Herne the hunter serve your turn? + +MRS. PAGE. +I pray you, come, hold up the jest no higher. +Now, good Sir John, how like you Windsor wives? +See you these, husband? do not these fair yokes +Become the forest better than the town? + +FORD. +Now, sir, who’s a cuckold now? Master Brook, Falstaff’s a knave, a +cuckoldly knave; here are his horns, Master Brook; and, Master Brook, +he hath enjoyed nothing of Ford’s but his buck-basket, his cudgel, and +twenty pounds of money, which must be paid to Master Brook; his horses +are arrested for it, Master Brook. + +MRS. FORD. +Sir John, we have had ill luck; we could never meet. I will never take +you for my love again; but I will always count you my deer. + +FALSTAFF. +I do begin to perceive that I am made an ass. + +FORD. +Ay, and an ox too; both the proofs are extant. + +FALSTAFF. +And these are not fairies? I was three or four times in the thought +they were not fairies; and yet the guiltiness of my mind, the sudden +surprise of my powers, drove the grossness of the foppery into a +received belief, in despite of the teeth of all rhyme and reason, that +they were fairies. See now how wit may be made a Jack-a-Lent when ’tis +upon ill employment! + +EVANS. +Sir John Falstaff, serve Got, and leave your desires, and fairies will +not pinse you. + +FORD. +Well said, fairy Hugh. + +EVANS. +And leave you your jealousies too, I pray you. + +FORD. +I will never mistrust my wife again, till thou art able to woo her in +good English. + +FALSTAFF. +Have I laid my brain in the sun, and dried it, that it wants matter to +prevent so gross o’er-reaching as this? Am I ridden with a Welsh goat +too? Shall I have a cox-comb of frieze? ’Tis time I were choked with a +piece of toasted cheese. + +EVANS. +Seese is not good to give putter: your belly is all putter. + +FALSTAFF. +“Seese” and “putter”! Have I lived to stand at the taunt of one that +makes fritters of English? This is enough to be the decay of lust and +late-walking through the realm. + +MRS. PAGE. +Why, Sir John, do you think, though we would have thrust virtue out of +our hearts by the head and shoulders, and have given ourselves without +scruple to hell, that ever the devil could have made you our delight? + +FORD. +What, a hodge-pudding? a bag of flax? + +MRS. PAGE. +A puffed man? + +PAGE. +Old, cold, withered, and of intolerable entrails? + +FORD. +And one that is as slanderous as Satan? + +PAGE. +And as poor as Job? + +FORD. +And as wicked as his wife? + +EVANS. +And given to fornications, and to taverns, and sack and wine, and +metheglins, and to drinkings and swearings and starings, pribbles and +prabbles? + +FALSTAFF. +Well, I am your theme; you have the start of me; I am dejected; I am +not able to answer the Welsh flannel. Ignorance itself is a plummet +o’er me; use me as you will. + +FORD. +Marry, sir, we’ll bring you to Windsor, to one Master Brook, that you +have cozened of money, to whom you should have been a pander: over and +above that you have suffered, I think to repay that money will be a +biting affliction. + +MRS. FORD. +Nay, husband, let that go to make amends; +Forget that sum, so we’ll all be friends. + +FORD. +Well, here’s my hand: all is forgiven at last. + +PAGE. +Yet be cheerful, knight; thou shalt eat a posset tonight at my house; +where I will desire thee to laugh at my wife, that now laughs at thee. +Tell her, Master Slender hath married her daughter. + +MRS. PAGE. +[_Aside_.] Doctors doubt that; if Anne Page be my daughter, she is, by +this, Doctor Caius’ wife. + +Enter Slender. + +SLENDER +Whoa, ho! ho! father Page! + +PAGE. +Son, how now! how now, son! have you dispatched? + +SLENDER. +Dispatched! I’ll make the best in Gloucestershire know on’t; would I +were hanged, la, else! + +PAGE. +Of what, son? + +SLENDER. +I came yonder at Eton to marry Mistress Anne Page, and she’s a great +lubberly boy: if it had not been i’ the church, I would have swinged +him, or he should have swinged me. If I did not think it had been Anne +Page, would I might never stir! and ’tis a postmaster’s boy. + +PAGE. +Upon my life, then, you took the wrong. + +SLENDER. +What need you tell me that? I think so, when I took a boy for a girl. +If I had been married to him, for all he was in woman’s apparel, I +would not have had him. + +PAGE. +Why, this is your own folly. Did not I tell you how you should know my +daughter by her garments? + +SLENDER. +I went to her in white and cried “mum” and she cried “budget” as Anne +and I had appointed; and yet it was not Anne, but a postmaster’s boy. + +EVANS. +Jeshu! Master Slender, cannot you see put marry poys? + +PAGE. +O I am vexed at heart: what shall I do? + +MRS. PAGE. +Good George, be not angry: I knew of your purpose; turned my daughter +into green; and, indeed, she is now with the doctor at the deanery, and +there married. + +Enter Doctor Caius. + +CAIUS +Vere is Mistress Page? By gar, I am cozened; I ha’ married un garçon, a +boy; un paysan, by gar, a boy; it is not Anne Page; by gar, I am +cozened. + +MRS. PAGE. +Why, did you take her in green? + +CAIUS. +Ay, by gar, and ’tis a boy: by gar, I’ll raise all Windsor. + +[_Exit Doctor Caius._] + +FORD +This is strange. Who hath got the right Anne? + +PAGE. +My heart misgives me; here comes Master Fenton. + +Enter Fenton and Anne Page. + +How now, Master Fenton! + +ANNE. +Pardon, good father! good my mother, pardon! + +PAGE. +Now, Mistress, how chance you went not with Master Slender? + +MRS. PAGE. +Why went you not with Master Doctor, maid? + +FENTON. +You do amaze her: hear the truth of it. +You would have married her most shamefully, +Where there was no proportion held in love. +The truth is, she and I, long since contracted, +Are now so sure that nothing can dissolve us. +The offence is holy that she hath committed, +And this deceit loses the name of craft, +Of disobedience, or unduteous title, +Since therein she doth evitate and shun +A thousand irreligious cursèd hours, +Which forcèd marriage would have brought upon her. + +FORD. +Stand not amaz’d: here is no remedy: +In love, the heavens themselves do guide the state: +Money buys lands, and wives are sold by fate. + +FALSTAFF. +I am glad, though you have ta’en a special stand to strike at me, that +your arrow hath glanced. + +PAGE. +Well, what remedy?—Fenton, heaven give thee joy! +What cannot be eschew’d must be embrac’d. + +FALSTAFF. +When night-dogs run, all sorts of deer are chas’d. + +MRS. PAGE. +Well, I will muse no further. Master Fenton, +Heaven give you many, many merry days! +Good husband, let us everyone go home, +And laugh this sport o’er by a country fire; +Sir John and all. + +FORD. +Let it be so. Sir John, +To Master Brook you yet shall hold your word; +For he, tonight, shall lie with Mistress Ford. + +[_Exeunt._] diff --git a/100-h/100-h.htm b/100-h/100-h.htm index 1470903..4a9e127 100644 --- a/100-h/100-h.htm +++ b/100-h/100-h.htm @@ -92,7 +92,7 @@ country where you are located before using this eBook. <div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: The Complete Works of William Shakespeare</div> <div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: William Shakespeare</div> <div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: January 1994 [eBook #100]<br /> -[Most recently updated: July 23, 2023]</div> +[Most recently updated: August 27, 2023]</div> <div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</div> <div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE COMPLETE WORKS OF WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE ***</div> @@ -147535,3085 +147535,7180 @@ So sore as keeping safe Nerissa’s ring. <h2><a name="chap23"></a>THE MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR</h2> -<p>Dramatis Personae</p> +<hr /> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2>Contents</h2> + +<table summary="" style=""> -<p> SIR JOHN FALSTAFF<br/> - FENTON, a young gentleman<br/> - SHALLOW, a country justice<br/> - SLENDER, cousin to Shallow<br/> +<tr> +<td> ACT I</td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#sceneI_23.1">Scene I. Windsor. Before Page’s house</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#sceneI_23.2">Scene II. The same</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#sceneI_23.3">Scene III. A room in the Garter Inn</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#sceneI_23.4">Scene IV. A room in Doctor Caius’s house</a><br/><br/></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> ACT II</td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#sceneII_23.1">Scene I. Before Page’s house</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#sceneII_23.2">Scene II. A room in the Garter Inn</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#sceneII_23.3">Scene III. A field near Windsor</a><br/><br/></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> ACT III</td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#sceneIII_23.1">Scene I. A field near Frogmore</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#sceneIII_23.2">Scene II. A street in Windsor</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#sceneIII_23.3">Scene III. A room in Ford’s house</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#sceneIII_23.4">Scene IV. A room in Page’s house</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#sceneIII_23.5">Scene V. A room in the Garter Inn</a><br/><br/></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> ACT IV</td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#sceneIV_23.1">Scene I. The street</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#sceneIV_23.2">Scene II. A room in Ford’s house</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#sceneIV_23.3">Scene III. A room in the Garter Inn</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#sceneIV_23.4">Scene IV. A room in Ford’s house</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#sceneIV_23.5">Scene V. A room in the Garter Inn</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#sceneIV_23.6">Scene VI. Another room in the Garter Inn</a><br/><br/></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> ACT V</td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#sceneV_23.1">Scene I. A room in the Garter Inn</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#sceneV_23.2">Scene II. Windsor Park</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#sceneV_23.3">Scene III. The street in Windsor</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#sceneV_23.4">Scene IV. Windsor Park</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#sceneV_23.5">Scene V. Another part of the Park</a></td> +</tr> + +</table> + +<h3>Dramatis Personæ</h3> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST of the Garter Inn<br/> +SIR JOHN FALSTAFF<br/> +ROBIN, page to Falstaff<br/> +BARDOLPH, follower of Falstaff<br/> +PISTOL, follower of Falstaff<br/> +NYM, follower of Falstaff </p> -<p> Gentlemen of Windsor<br/> - FORD<br/> - PAGE<br/> - WILLIAM PAGE, a boy, son to Page<br/> - SIR HUGH EVANS, a Welsh parson<br/> - DOCTOR CAIUS, a French physician<br/> - HOST of the Garter Inn<br/> +<p class="drama"> +Robert SHALLOW, a country justice<br/> +Abraham SLENDER, cousin to Shallow<br/> +Peter SIMPLE, servant to Slender<br/> +FENTON, a young gentleman </p> -<p> Followers of Falstaff<br/> - BARDOLPH<br/> - PISTOL<br/> - NYM<br/> - ROBIN, page to Falstaff<br/> - SIMPLE, servant to Slender<br/> - RUGBY, servant to Doctor Caius<br/> +<p class="drama"> +George PAGE, a Gentleman dwelling at Windsor<br/> +MISTRESS PAGE, his wife<br/> +MISTRESS ANNE PAGE, her daughter, in love with Fenton<br/> +WILLIAM PAGE, a boy, son to Page </p> -<p> MISTRESS FORD<br/> - MISTRESS PAGE<br/> - MISTRESS ANNE PAGE, her daughter<br/> - MISTRESS QUICKLY, servant to Doctor Caius<br/> - SERVANTS to Page, Ford, etc.<br/> +<p class="drama"> +Frank FORD, a Gentleman dwelling at Windsor<br/> +MISTRESS FORD, his wife<br/> </p> -<h4>SCENE: -Windsor, and the neighbourhood</h4> - -<h4>ACT I. SCENE 1.</h4> - -<p>Windsor. Before PAGE'S house</p> - -<p>Enter JUSTICE SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH EVANS</p> - -<p> SHALLOW. Sir Hugh, persuade me not; I will make a Star<br/> - Chamber matter of it; if he were twenty Sir John Falstaffs,<br/> - he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, esquire.<br/> - SLENDER. In the county of Gloucester, Justice of Peace, and<br/> - Coram.<br/> - SHALLOW. Ay, cousin Slender, and Custalorum.<br/> - SLENDER. Ay, and Ratolorum too; and a gentleman born,<br/> - Master Parson, who writes himself 'Armigero' in any bill,<br/> - warrant, quittance, or obligation-'Armigero.'<br/> - SHALLOW. Ay, that I do; and have done any time these three<br/> - hundred years.<br/> - SLENDER. All his successors, gone before him, hath done't;<br/> - and all his ancestors, that come after him, may: they may<br/> - give the dozen white luces in their coat.<br/> - SHALLOW. It is an old coat.<br/> - EVANS. The dozen white louses do become an old coat well;<br/> - it agrees well, passant; it is a familiar beast to man, and<br/> - signifies love.<br/> - SHALLOW. The luce is the fresh fish; the salt fish is an old<br/> - coat.<br/> - SLENDER. I may quarter, coz.<br/> - SHALLOW. You may, by marrying.<br/> - EVANS. It is marring indeed, if he quarter it.<br/> - SHALLOW. Not a whit.<br/> - EVANS. Yes, py'r lady! If he has a quarter of your coat, there<br/> - is but three skirts for yourself, in my simple conjectures;<br/> - but that is all one. If Sir John Falstaff have committed<br/> - disparagements unto you, I am of the church, and will be<br/> - glad to do my benevolence, to make atonements and<br/> - compremises between you.<br/> - SHALLOW. The Council shall hear it; it is a riot.<br/> - EVANS. It is not meet the Council hear a riot; there is no<br/> - fear of Got in a riot; the Council, look you, shall desire<br/> - to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear a riot; take your<br/> - vizaments in that.<br/> - SHALLOW. Ha! o' my life, if I were young again, the sword<br/> - should end it.<br/> - EVANS. It is petter that friends is the sword and end it;<br/> - and there is also another device in my prain, which<br/> - peradventure prings goot discretions with it. There is Anne<br/> - Page, which is daughter to Master George Page, which is<br/> - pretty virginity.<br/> - SLENDER. Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and<br/> - speaks small like a woman.<br/> - EVANS. It is that fery person for all the orld, as just as you<br/> - will desire; and seven hundred pounds of moneys, and<br/> - gold, and silver, is her grandsire upon his death's-bed-Got<br/> - deliver to a joyful resurrections!-give, when she is able to<br/> - overtake seventeen years old. It were a goot motion if we<br/> - leave our pribbles and prabbles, and desire a marriage<br/> - between Master Abraham and Mistress Anne Page.<br/> - SHALLOW. Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred pound?<br/> - EVANS. Ay, and her father is make her a petter penny.<br/> - SHALLOW. I know the young gentlewoman; she has good<br/> - gifts.<br/> - EVANS. Seven hundred pounds, and possibilities, is goot gifts.<br/> - SHALLOW. Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff<br/> - there?<br/> - EVANS. Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I do<br/> - despise one that is false; or as I despise one that is not<br/> - true. The knight Sir John is there; and, I beseech you, be<br/> - ruled by your well-willers. I will peat the door for Master<br/> - Page.<br/> - [Knocks] What, hoa! Got pless your house here!<br/> - PAGE. [Within] Who's there?<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter PAGE</p> - -<p> EVANS. Here is Got's plessing, and your friend, and Justice<br/> - Shallow; and here young Master Slender, that peradventures<br/> - shall tell you another tale, if matters grow to your<br/> - likings.<br/> - PAGE. I am glad to see your worships well. I thank you for<br/> - my venison, Master Shallow.<br/> - SHALLOW. Master Page, I am glad to see you; much good do<br/> - it your good heart! I wish'd your venison better; it was ill<br/> - kill'd. How doth good Mistress Page?-and I thank you<br/> - always with my heart, la! with my heart.<br/> - PAGE. Sir, I thank you.<br/> - SHALLOW. Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do.<br/> - PAGE. I am glad to see you, good Master Slender.<br/> - SLENDER. How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard say<br/> - he was outrun on Cotsall.<br/> - PAGE. It could not be judg'd, sir.<br/> - SLENDER. You'll not confess, you'll not confess.<br/> - SHALLOW. That he will not. 'Tis your fault; 'tis your fault;<br/> - 'tis a good dog.<br/> - PAGE. A cur, sir.<br/> - SHALLOW. Sir, he's a good dog, and a fair dog. Can there be<br/> - more said? He is good, and fair. Is Sir John Falstaff here?<br/> - PAGE. Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a good office<br/> - between you.<br/> - EVANS. It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak.<br/> - SHALLOW. He hath wrong'd me, Master Page.<br/> - PAGE. Sir, he doth in some sort confess it.<br/> - SHALLOW. If it be confessed, it is not redressed; is not that<br/> - so, Master Page? He hath wrong'd me; indeed he hath; at a<br/> - word, he hath, believe me; Robert Shallow, esquire, saith<br/> - he is wronged.<br/> - PAGE. Here comes Sir John.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH, NYM, and PISTOL</p> - -<p> FALSTAFF. Now, Master Shallow, you'll complain of me to<br/> - the King?<br/> - SHALLOW. Knight, you have beaten my men, kill'd my deer,<br/> - and broke open my lodge.<br/> - FALSTAFF. But not kiss'd your keeper's daughter.<br/> - SHALLOW. Tut, a pin! this shall be answer'd.<br/> - FALSTAFF. I will answer it straight: I have done all this.<br/> - That is now answer'd.<br/> - SHALLOW. The Council shall know this.<br/> - FALSTAFF. 'Twere better for you if it were known in counsel:<br/> - you'll be laugh'd at.<br/> - EVANS. Pauca verba, Sir John; goot worts.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Good worts! good cabbage! Slender, I broke your<br/> - head; what matter have you against me?<br/> - SLENDER. Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you;<br/> - and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph, Nym,<br/> - and Pistol. They carried me to the tavern, and made me<br/> - drunk, and afterwards pick'd my pocket.<br/> - BARDOLPH. You Banbury cheese!<br/> - SLENDER. Ay, it is no matter.<br/> - PISTOL. How now, Mephostophilus!<br/> - SLENDER. Ay, it is no matter.<br/> - NYM. Slice, I say! pauca, pauca; slice! That's my humour.<br/> - SLENDER. Where's Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin?<br/> - EVANS. Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand. There is<br/> - three umpires in this matter, as I understand: that is,<br/> - Master Page, fidelicet Master Page; and there is myself,<br/> - fidelicet myself; and the three party is, lastly and<br/> - finally, mine host of the Garter.<br/> - PAGE. We three to hear it and end it between them.<br/> - EVANS. Fery goot. I will make a prief of it in my note-book;<br/> - and we will afterwards ork upon the cause with as great<br/> - discreetly as we can.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Pistol!<br/> - PISTOL. He hears with ears.<br/> - EVANS. The tevil and his tam! What phrase is this, 'He hears<br/> - with ear'? Why, it is affectations.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Pistol, did you pick Master Slender's purse?<br/> - SLENDER. Ay, by these gloves, did he-or I would I might<br/> - never come in mine own great chamber again else!-of<br/> - seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward<br/> - shovel-boards that cost me two shilling and two pence apiece<br/> - of Yead Miller, by these gloves.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Is this true, Pistol?<br/> - EVANS. No, it is false, if it is a pick-purse.<br/> - PISTOL. Ha, thou mountain-foreigner! Sir John and master<br/> - mine,<br/> - I combat challenge of this latten bilbo.<br/> - Word of denial in thy labras here!<br/> - Word of denial! Froth and scum, thou liest.<br/> - SLENDER. By these gloves, then, 'twas he.<br/> - NYM. Be avis'd, sir, and pass good humours; I will say<br/> - 'marry trap' with you, if you run the nuthook's humour on<br/> - me; that is the very note of it.<br/> - SLENDER. By this hat, then, he in the red face had it; for<br/> - though I cannot remember what I did when you made me<br/> - drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass.<br/> - FALSTAFF. What say you, Scarlet and John?<br/> - BARDOLPH. Why, sir, for my part, I say the gentleman had<br/> - drunk himself out of his five sentences.<br/> - EVANS. It is his five senses; fie, what the ignorance is!<br/> - BARDOLPH. And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashier'd;<br/> - and so conclusions pass'd the careers.<br/> - SLENDER. Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but 'tis no matter;<br/> - I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again, but in honest,<br/> - civil, godly company, for this trick. If I be drunk, I'll be<br/> - drunk with those that have the fear of God, and not with<br/> - drunken knaves.<br/> - EVANS. So Got udge me, that is a virtuous mind.<br/> - FALSTAFF. You hear all these matters deni'd, gentlemen; you<br/> - hear it.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter MISTRESS ANNE PAGE with wine; MISTRESS<br/> - FORD and MISTRESS PAGE, following<br/> -</p> - -<p> PAGE. Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we'll drink within.<br/> - Exit ANNE PAGE<br/> - SLENDER. O heaven! this is Mistress Anne Page.<br/> - PAGE. How now, Mistress Ford!<br/> - FALSTAFF. Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well<br/> - met; by your leave, good mistress. [Kisses her]<br/> - PAGE. Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have a<br/> - hot venison pasty to dinner; come, gentlemen, I hope we<br/> - shall drink down all unkindness.<br/> - Exeunt all but SHALLOW, SLENDER, and EVANS<br/> - SLENDER. I had rather than forty shillings I had my Book of<br/> - Songs and Sonnets here.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter SIMPLE</p> - -<p> How, Simple! Where have you been? I must wait on<br/> - myself, must I? You have not the Book of Riddles about you,<br/> - have you?<br/> - SIMPLE. Book of Riddles! Why, did you not lend it to Alice<br/> - Shortcake upon Allhallowmas last, a fortnight afore<br/> - Michaelmas?<br/> - SHALLOW. Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you. A word<br/> - with you, coz; marry, this, coz: there is, as 'twere, a<br/> - tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh here. Do<br/> - you understand me?<br/> - SLENDER. Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be so, I<br/> - shall do that that is reason.<br/> - SHALLOW. Nay, but understand me.<br/> - SLENDER. So I do, sir.<br/> - EVANS. Give ear to his motions: Master Slender, I will<br/> - description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it.<br/> - SLENDER. Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says; I pray<br/> - you pardon me; he's a justice of peace in his country,<br/> - simple though I stand here.<br/> - EVANS. But that is not the question. The question is<br/> - concerning your marriage.<br/> - SHALLOW. Ay, there's the point, sir.<br/> - EVANS. Marry is it; the very point of it; to Mistress Anne<br/> - Page.<br/> - SLENDER. Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any<br/> - reasonable demands.<br/> - EVANS. But can you affection the oman? Let us command to<br/> - know that of your mouth or of your lips; for divers philosophers<br/> - hold that the lips is parcel of the mouth. Therefore,<br/> - precisely, can you carry your good will to the maid?<br/> - SHALLOW. Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?<br/> - SLENDER. I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one that<br/> - would do reason.<br/> - EVANS. Nay, Got's lords and his ladies! you must speak possitable,<br/> - if you can carry her your desires towards her.<br/> - SHALLOW. That you must. Will you, upon good dowry,<br/> - marry her?<br/> - SLENDER. I will do a greater thing than that upon your request,<br/> - cousin, in any reason.<br/> - SHALLOW. Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz; what<br/> - I do is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the maid?<br/> - SLENDER. I will marry her, sir, at your request; but if there<br/> - be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven may decrease<br/> - it upon better acquaintance, when we are married and<br/> - have more occasion to know one another. I hope upon<br/> - familiarity will grow more contempt. But if you say<br/> - 'marry her,' I will marry her; that I am freely dissolved,<br/> - and dissolutely.<br/> - EVANS. It is a fery discretion answer, save the fall is in the<br/> - ord 'dissolutely': the ort is, according to our meaning,<br/> - 'resolutely'; his meaning is good.<br/> - SHALLOW. Ay, I think my cousin meant well.<br/> - SLENDER. Ay, or else I would I might be hang'd, la!<br/> -</p> - -<p> Re-enter ANNE PAGE</p> - -<p> SHALLOW. Here comes fair Mistress Anne. Would I were<br/> - young for your sake, Mistress Anne!<br/> - ANNE. The dinner is on the table; my father desires your<br/> - worships' company.<br/> - SHALLOW. I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne!<br/> - EVANS. Od's plessed will! I will not be absence at the grace.<br/> - Exeunt SHALLOW and EVANS<br/> - ANNE. Will't please your worship to come in, sir?<br/> - SLENDER. No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very<br/> - well.<br/> - ANNE. The dinner attends you, sir.<br/> - SLENDER. I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. Go,<br/> - sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon my cousin<br/> - Shallow. [Exit SIMPLE] A justice of peace sometime may<br/> - be beholding to his friend for a man. I keep but three men<br/> - and a boy yet, till my mother be dead. But what though?<br/> - Yet I live like a poor gentleman born.<br/> - ANNE. I may not go in without your worship; they will not<br/> - sit till you come.<br/> - SLENDER. I' faith, I'll eat nothing; I thank you as much as<br/> - though I did.<br/> - ANNE. I pray you, sir, walk in.<br/> - SLENDER. I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruis'd my<br/> - shin th' other day with playing at sword and dagger with<br/> - a master of fence-three veneys for a dish of stew'd prunes<br/> - -and, I with my ward defending my head, he hot my shin,<br/> - and, by my troth, I cannot abide the smell of hot meat<br/> - since. Why do your dogs bark so? Be there bears i' th'<br/> - town?<br/> - ANNE. I think there are, sir; I heard them talk'd of.<br/> - SLENDER. I love the sport well; but I shall as soon quarrel at<br/> - it as any man in England. You are afraid, if you see the<br/> - bear loose, are you not?<br/> - ANNE. Ay, indeed, sir.<br/> - SLENDER. That's meat and drink to me now. I have seen<br/> - Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken him by the<br/> - chain; but I warrant you, the women have so cried and<br/> - shriek'd at it that it pass'd; but women, indeed, cannot<br/> - abide 'em; they are very ill-favour'd rough things.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Re-enter PAGE</p> - -<p> PAGE. Come, gentle Master Slender, come; we stay for you.<br/> - SLENDER. I'll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.<br/> - PAGE. By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! Come,<br/> - come.<br/> - SLENDER. Nay, pray you lead the way.<br/> - PAGE. Come on, sir.<br/> - SLENDER. Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.<br/> - ANNE. Not I, sir; pray you keep on.<br/> - SLENDER. Truly, I will not go first; truly, la! I will not do<br/> - you that wrong.<br/> - ANNE. I pray you, sir.<br/> - SLENDER. I'll rather be unmannerly than troublesome. You<br/> - do yourself wrong indeed, la! Exeunt<br/> -</p> - -<h4>SCENE 2.</h4> - -<p>Before PAGE'S house</p> - -<p>Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE</p> - -<p> EVANS. Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius' house which<br/> - is the way; and there dwells one Mistress Quickly, which<br/> - is in the manner of his nurse, or his dry nurse, or his cook,<br/> - or his laundry, his washer, and his wringer.<br/> - SIMPLE. Well, sir.<br/> - EVANS. Nay, it is petter yet. Give her this letter; for it is a<br/> - oman that altogether's acquaintance with Mistress Anne<br/> - Page; and the letter is to desire and require her to solicit<br/> - your master's desires to Mistress Anne Page. I pray you<br/> - be gone. I will make an end of my dinner; there's pippins<br/> - and cheese to come. Exeunt<br/> -</p> - -<h4>SCENE 3.</h4> - -<p>The Garter Inn</p> - -<p>Enter FALSTAFF, HOST, BARDOLPH, NYM, PISTOL, and ROBIN</p> - -<p> FALSTAFF. Mine host of the Garter!<br/> - HOST. What says my bully rook? Speak scholarly and<br/> - wisely.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my<br/> - followers.<br/> - HOST. Discard, bully Hercules; cashier; let them wag; trot,<br/> - trot.<br/> - FALSTAFF. I sit at ten pounds a week.<br/> - HOST. Thou'rt an emperor-Caesar, Keiser, and Pheazar. I<br/> - will entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall tap; said I<br/> - well, bully Hector?<br/> - FALSTAFF. Do so, good mine host.<br/> - HOST. I have spoke; let him follow. [To BARDOLPH] Let me<br/> - see thee froth and lime. I am at a word; follow. Exit HOST<br/> - FALSTAFF. Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade;<br/> - an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a wither'd serving-man a<br/> - fresh tapster. Go; adieu.<br/> - BARDOLPH. It is a life that I have desir'd; I will thrive.<br/> - PISTOL. O base Hungarian wight! Wilt thou the spigot<br/> - wield? Exit BARDOLPH<br/> - NYM. He was gotten in drink. Is not the humour conceited?<br/> - FALSTAFF. I am glad I am so acquit of this tinder-box: his<br/> - thefts were too open; his filching was like an unskilful<br/> - singer-he kept not time.<br/> - NYM. The good humour is to steal at a minute's rest.<br/> - PISTOL. 'Convey' the wise it call. 'Steal' foh! A fico for the<br/> - phrase!<br/> - FALSTAFF. Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.<br/> - PISTOL. Why, then, let kibes ensue.<br/> - FALSTAFF. There is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must<br/> - shift.<br/> - PISTOL. Young ravens must have food.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Which of you know Ford of this town?<br/> - PISTOL. I ken the wight; he is of substance good.<br/> - FALSTAFF. My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.<br/> - PISTOL. Two yards, and more.<br/> - FALSTAFF. No quips now, Pistol. Indeed, I am in the waist<br/> - two yards about; but I am now about no waste; I am about<br/> - thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford's wife; I<br/> - spy entertainment in her; she discourses, she carves, she<br/> - gives the leer of invitation; I can construe the action of her<br/> - familiar style; and the hardest voice of her behaviour, to be<br/> - English'd rightly, is 'I am Sir John Falstaff's.'<br/> - PISTOL. He hath studied her well, and translated her will out<br/> - of honesty into English.<br/> - NYM. The anchor is deep; will that humour pass?<br/> - FALSTAFF. Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her<br/> - husband's purse; he hath a legion of angels.<br/> - PISTOL. As many devils entertain; and 'To her, boy,' say I.<br/> - NYM. The humour rises; it is good; humour me the angels.<br/> - FALSTAFF. I have writ me here a letter to her; and here<br/> - another to Page's wife, who even now gave me good eyes<br/> - too, examin'd my parts with most judicious oeillades;<br/> - sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes my<br/> - portly belly.<br/> - PISTOL. Then did the sun on dunghill shine.<br/> - NYM. I thank thee for that humour.<br/> - FALSTAFF. O, she did so course o'er my exteriors with such<br/> - a greedy intention that the appetite of her eye did seem to<br/> - scorch me up like a burning-glass! Here's another letter to<br/> - her. She bears the purse too; she is a region in Guiana, all<br/> - gold and bounty. I will be cheaters to them both, and they<br/> - shall be exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West<br/> - Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go, bear thou this<br/> - letter to Mistress Page; and thou this to Mistress Ford. We<br/> - will thrive, lads, we will thrive.<br/> - PISTOL. Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,<br/> - And by my side wear steel? Then Lucifer take all!<br/> - NYM. I will run no base humour. Here, take the<br/> - humour-letter; I will keep the haviour of reputation.<br/> - FALSTAFF. [To ROBIN] Hold, sirrah; bear you these letters<br/> - tightly;<br/> - Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.<br/> - Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go;<br/> - Trudge, plod away i' th' hoof; seek shelter, pack!<br/> - Falstaff will learn the humour of the age;<br/> - French thrift, you rogues; myself, and skirted page.<br/> - Exeunt FALSTAFF and ROBIN<br/> - PISTOL. Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam<br/> - holds,<br/> - And high and low beguiles the rich and poor;<br/> - Tester I'll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,<br/> - Base Phrygian Turk!<br/> - NYM. I have operations in my head which be humours of<br/> - revenge.<br/> - PISTOL. Wilt thou revenge?<br/> - NYM. By welkin and her star!<br/> - PISTOL. With wit or steel?<br/> - NYM. With both the humours, I.<br/> - I will discuss the humour of this love to Page.<br/> - PISTOL. And I to Ford shall eke unfold<br/> - How Falstaff, varlet vile,<br/> - His dove will prove, his gold will hold,<br/> - And his soft couch defile.<br/> - NYM. My humour shall not cool; I will incense Page to deal<br/> - with poison; I will possess him with yellowness; for the<br/> - revolt of mine is dangerous. That is my true humour.<br/> - PISTOL. Thou art the Mars of malcontents; I second thee;<br/> - troop on. Exeunt<br/> -</p> - -<h4>SCENE 4.</h4> - -<p>DOCTOR CAIUS'S house</p> - -<p>Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY, SIMPLE, and RUGBY</p> - -<p> QUICKLY. What, John Rugby! I pray thee go to the casement<br/> - and see if you can see my master, Master Doctor<br/> - Caius, coming. If he do, i' faith, and find anybody in the<br/> - house, here will be an old abusing of God's patience and<br/> - the King's English.<br/> - RUGBY. I'll go watch.<br/> - QUICKLY. Go; and we'll have a posset for't soon at night, in<br/> - faith, at the latter end of a sea-coal fire. [Exit RUGBY] An<br/> - honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant shall come in<br/> - house withal; and, I warrant you, no tell-tale nor no<br/> - breed-bate; his worst fault is that he is given to prayer; he is<br/> - something peevish that way; but nobody but has his fault;<br/> - but let that pass. Peter Simple you say your name is?<br/> - SIMPLE. Ay, for fault of a better.<br/> - QUICKLY. And Master Slender's your master?<br/> - SIMPLE. Ay, forsooth.<br/> - QUICKLY. Does he not wear a great round beard, like a<br/> - glover's paring-knife?<br/> - SIMPLE. No, forsooth; he hath but a little whey face, with a<br/> - little yellow beard, a Cain-colour'd beard.<br/> - QUICKLY. A softly-sprighted man, is he not?<br/> - SIMPLE. Ay, forsooth; but he is as tall a man of his hands as<br/> - any is between this and his head; he hath fought with a<br/> - warrener.<br/> - QUICKLY. How say you? O, I should remember him. Does<br/> - he not hold up his head, as it were, and strut in his gait?<br/> - SIMPLE. Yes, indeed, does he.<br/> - QUICKLY. Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune!<br/> - Tell Master Parson Evans I will do what I can for your<br/> - master. Anne is a good girl, and I wish-<br/> -</p> - -<p> Re-enter RUGBY</p> - -<p> RUGBY. Out, alas! here comes my master.<br/> - QUICKLY. We shall all be shent. Run in here, good young<br/> - man; go into this closet. [Shuts SIMPLE in the closet] He<br/> - will not stay long. What, John Rugby! John! what, John,<br/> - I say! Go, John, go inquire for my master; I doubt he be<br/> - not well that he comes not home. [Singing]<br/> - And down, down, adown-a, etc.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter DOCTOR CAIUS</p> - -<p> CAIUS. Vat is you sing? I do not like des toys. Pray you, go<br/> - and vetch me in my closet un boitier vert-a box, a green-a<br/> - box. Do intend vat I speak? A green-a box.<br/> - QUICKLY. Ay, forsooth, I'll fetch it you. [Aside] I am glad<br/> - he went not in himself; if he had found the young man,<br/> - he would have been horn-mad.<br/> - CAIUS. Fe, fe, fe fe! ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Je m'en vais a<br/> - la cour-la grande affaire.<br/> - QUICKLY. Is it this, sir?<br/> - CAIUS. Oui; mette le au mon pocket: depeche, quickly. Vere<br/> - is dat knave, Rugby?<br/> - QUICKLY. What, John Rugby? John!<br/> - RUGBY. Here, sir.<br/> - CAIUS. You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby.<br/> - Come, take-a your rapier, and come after my heel to the<br/> - court.<br/> - RUGBY. 'Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.<br/> - CAIUS. By my trot, I tarry too long. Od's me! Qu'ai j'oublie?<br/> - Dere is some simples in my closet dat I vill not for the<br/> - varld I shall leave behind.<br/> - QUICKLY. Ay me, he'll find the young man there, and be<br/> - mad!<br/> - CAIUS. O diable, diable! vat is in my closet? Villainy! larron!<br/> - [Pulling SIMPLE out] Rugby, my rapier!<br/> - QUICKLY. Good master, be content.<br/> - CAIUS. Wherefore shall I be content-a?<br/> - QUICKLY. The young man is an honest man.<br/> - CAIUS. What shall de honest man do in my closet? Dere is<br/> - no honest man dat shall come in my closet.<br/> - QUICKLY. I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic; hear the<br/> - truth of it. He came of an errand to me from Parson Hugh.<br/> - CAIUS. Vell?<br/> - SIMPLE. Ay, forsooth, to desire her to-<br/> - QUICKLY. Peace, I pray you.<br/> - CAIUS. Peace-a your tongue. Speak-a your tale.<br/> - SIMPLE. To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid, to<br/> - speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page for my master,<br/> - in the way of marriage.<br/> - QUICKLY. This is all, indeed, la! but I'll ne'er put my finger<br/> - in the fire, and need not.<br/> - CAIUS. Sir Hugh send-a you? Rugby, baillez me some paper.<br/> - Tarry you a little-a-while. [Writes]<br/> - QUICKLY. [Aside to SIMPLE] I am glad he is so quiet; if he<br/> - had been throughly moved, you should have heard him<br/> - so loud and so melancholy. But notwithstanding, man, I'll<br/> - do you your master what good I can; and the very yea and<br/> - the no is, the French doctor, my master-I may call him<br/> - my master, look you, for I keep his house; and I wash,<br/> - wring, brew, bake, scour, dress meat and drink, make the<br/> - beds, and do all myself-<br/> - SIMPLE. [Aside to QUICKLY] 'Tis a great charge to come<br/> - under one body's hand.<br/> - QUICKLY. [Aside to SIMPLE] Are you avis'd o' that? You<br/> - shall find it a great charge; and to be up early and down<br/> - late; but notwithstanding-to tell you in your ear, I would<br/> - have no words of it-my master himself is in love with<br/> - Mistress Anne Page; but notwithstanding that, I know<br/> - Anne's mind-that's neither here nor there.<br/> - CAIUS. You jack'nape; give-a this letter to Sir Hugh; by gar,<br/> - it is a shallenge; I will cut his troat in de park; and I will<br/> - teach a scurvy jack-a-nape priest to meddle or make. You<br/> - may be gone; it is not good you tarry here. By gar, I will<br/> - cut all his two stones; by gar, he shall not have a stone<br/> - to throw at his dog. Exit SIMPLE<br/> - QUICKLY. Alas, he speaks but for his friend.<br/> - CAIUS. It is no matter-a ver dat. Do not you tell-a me dat I<br/> - shall have Anne Page for myself? By gar, I vill kill de Jack<br/> - priest; and I have appointed mine host of de Jarteer to<br/> - measure our weapon. By gar, I will myself have Anne<br/> - Page.<br/> - QUICKLY. Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well. We<br/> - must give folks leave to prate. What the good-year!<br/> - CAIUS. Rugby, come to the court with me. By gar, if I have<br/> - not Anne Page, I shall turn your head out of my door.<br/> - Follow my heels, Rugby. Exeunt CAIUS and RUGBY<br/> - QUICKLY. You shall have-An fool's-head of your own. No,<br/> - I know Anne's mind for that; never a woman in Windsor<br/> - knows more of Anne's mind than I do; nor can do more<br/> - than I do with her, I thank heaven.<br/> - FENTON. [Within] Who's within there? ho!<br/> - QUICKLY. Who's there, I trow? Come near the house, I pray<br/> - you.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter FENTON</p> - -<p> FENTON. How now, good woman, how dost thou?<br/> - QUICKLY. The better that it pleases your good worship to<br/> - ask.<br/> - FENTON. What news? How does pretty Mistress Anne?<br/> - QUICKLY. In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest, and<br/> - gentle; and one that is your friend, I can tell you that by<br/> - the way; I praise heaven for it.<br/> - FENTON. Shall I do any good, think'st thou? Shall I not lose<br/> - my suit?<br/> - QUICKLY. Troth, sir, all is in His hands above; but<br/> - notwithstanding, Master Fenton, I'll be sworn on a book<br/> - she loves you. Have not your worship a wart above your eye?<br/> - FENTON. Yes, marry, have I; what of that?<br/> - QUICKLY. Well, thereby hangs a tale; good faith, it is such<br/> - another Nan; but, I detest, an honest maid as ever broke<br/> - bread. We had an hour's talk of that wart; I shall never<br/> - laugh but in that maid's company! But, indeed, she is<br/> - given too much to allicholy and musing; but for you-well,<br/> - go to.<br/> - FENTON. Well, I shall see her to-day. Hold, there's money<br/> - for thee; let me have thy voice in my behalf. If thou seest<br/> - her before me, commend me.<br/> - QUICKLY. Will I? I' faith, that we will; and I will tell your<br/> - worship more of the wart the next time we have confidence;<br/> - and of other wooers.<br/> - FENTON. Well, farewell; I am in great haste now.<br/> - QUICKLY. Farewell to your worship. [Exit FENTON] Truly,<br/> - an honest gentleman; but Anne loves him not; for I know<br/> - Anne's mind as well as another does. Out upon 't, what<br/> - have I forgot? Exit<br/> -</p> - -<h4>ACT II. SCENE 1.</h4> - -<p>Before PAGE'S house</p> - -<p>Enter MISTRESS PAGE, with a letter</p> - -<p> MRS. PAGE. What! have I scap'd love-letters in the holiday-time<br/> - of my beauty, and am I now a subject for them? Let<br/> - me see. [Reads]<br/> - 'Ask me no reason why I love you; for though Love use<br/> - Reason for his precisian, he admits him not for his counsellor.<br/> - You are not young, no more am I; go to, then, there's<br/> - sympathy. You are merry, so am I; ha! ha! then there's<br/> - more sympathy. You love sack, and so do I; would you<br/> - desire better sympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mistress Page<br/> - at the least, if the love of soldier can suffice-that I love<br/> - thee. I will not say, Pity me: 'tis not a soldier-like phrase;<br/> - but I say, Love me. By me,<br/> - Thine own true knight,<br/> - By day or night,<br/> - Or any kind of light,<br/> - With all his might,<br/> - For thee to fight,<br/> - JOHN FALSTAFF.'<br/> - What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wicked, wicked world!<br/> - One that is well-nigh worn to pieces with age to show<br/> - himself a young gallant! What an unweighed behaviour<br/> - hath this Flemish drunkard pick'd-with the devil's name!<br/> - -out of my conversation, that he dares in this manner<br/> - assay me? Why, he hath not been thrice in my company!<br/> - What should I say to him? I was then frugal of my mirth.<br/> - Heaven forgive me! Why, I'll exhibit a bill in the parliament<br/> - for the putting down of men. How shall I be<br/> - reveng'd on him? for reveng'd I will be, as sure as his guts<br/> - are made of puddings.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter MISTRESS FORD</p> - -<p> MRS. FORD. Mistress Page! trust me, I was going to your<br/> - house.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. And, trust me, I was coming to you. You look<br/> - very ill.<br/> - MRS. FORD. Nay, I'll ne'er believe that; I have to show to<br/> - the contrary.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Faith, but you do, in my mind.<br/> - MRS. FORD. Well, I do, then; yet, I say, I could show you to<br/> - the contrary. O Mistress Page, give me some counsel.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. What's the matter, woman?<br/> - MRS. FORD. O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect,<br/> - I could come to such honour!<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Hang the trifle, woman; take the honour. What<br/> - is it? Dispense with trifles; what is it?<br/> - MRS. FORD. If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment<br/> - or so, I could be knighted.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. What? Thou liest. Sir Alice Ford! These knights<br/> - will hack; and so thou shouldst not alter the article of thy<br/> - gentry.<br/> - MRS. FORD. We burn daylight. Here, read, read; perceive<br/> - how I might be knighted. I shall think the worse of fat<br/> - men as long as I have an eye to make difference of men's<br/> - liking. And yet he would not swear; prais'd women's<br/> - modesty, and gave such orderly and well-behaved reproof<br/> - to all uncomeliness that I would have sworn his disposition<br/> - would have gone to the truth of his words; but they do no<br/> - more adhere and keep place together than the Hundredth<br/> - Psalm to the tune of 'Greensleeves.' What tempest, I trow,<br/> - threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in his belly,<br/> - ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revenged on him? I<br/> - think the best way were to entertain him with hope, till<br/> - the wicked fire of lust have melted him in his own grease.<br/> - Did you ever hear the like?<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Letter for letter, but that the name of Page and<br/> - Ford differs. To thy great comfort in this mystery of ill<br/> - opinions, here's the twin-brother of thy letter; but let thine<br/> - inherit first, for, I protest, mine never shall. I warrant he<br/> - hath a thousand of these letters, writ with blank space for<br/> - different names-sure, more!-and these are of the second<br/> - edition. He will print them, out of doubt; for he cares not<br/> - what he puts into the press when he would put us two. I<br/> - had rather be a giantess and lie under Mount Pelion. Well,<br/> - I will find you twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste<br/> - man.<br/> - MRS. FORD. Why, this is the very same; the very hand, the<br/> - very words. What doth he think of us?<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Nay, I know not; it makes me almost ready to<br/> - wrangle with mine own honesty. I'll entertain myself like<br/> - one that I am not acquainted withal; for, sure, unless he<br/> - know some strain in me that I know not myself, he would<br/> - never have boarded me in this fury.<br/> - MRS. FORD. 'Boarding' call you it? I'll be sure to keep him<br/> - above deck.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. So will I; if he come under my hatches, I'll never<br/> - to sea again. Let's be reveng'd on him; let's appoint him a<br/> - meeting, give him a show of comfort in his suit, and lead<br/> - him on with a fine-baited delay, till he hath pawn'd his<br/> - horses to mine host of the Garter.<br/> - MRS. FORD. Nay, I will consent to act any villainy against<br/> - him that may not sully the chariness of our honesty. O<br/> - that my husband saw this letter! It would give eternal food<br/> - to his jealousy.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Why, look where he comes; and my good man<br/> - too; he's as far from jealousy as I am from giving him<br/> - cause; and that, I hope, is an unmeasurable distance.<br/> - MRS. FORD. You are the happier woman.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Let's consult together against this greasy knight.<br/> - Come hither. [They retire]<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter FORD with PISTOL, and PAGE with Nym</p> - -<p> FORD. Well, I hope it be not so.<br/> - PISTOL. Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs.<br/> - Sir John affects thy wife.<br/> - FORD. Why, sir, my wife is not young.<br/> - PISTOL. He woos both high and low, both rich and poor,<br/> - Both young and old, one with another, Ford;<br/> - He loves the gallimaufry. Ford, perpend.<br/> - FORD. Love my wife!<br/> - PISTOL. With liver burning hot. Prevent, or go thou,<br/> - Like Sir Actaeon he, with Ringwood at thy heels.<br/> - O, odious is the name!<br/> - FORD. What name, sir?<br/> - PISTOL. The horn, I say. Farewell.<br/> - Take heed, have open eye, for thieves do foot by night;<br/> - Take heed, ere summer comes, or cuckoo birds do sing.<br/> - Away, Sir Corporal Nym.<br/> - Believe it, Page; he speaks sense. Exit PISTOL<br/> - FORD. [Aside] I will be patient; I will find out this.<br/> - NYM. [To PAGE] And this is true; I like not the humour of<br/> - lying. He hath wronged me in some humours; I should<br/> - have borne the humour'd letter to her; but I have a sword,<br/> - and it shall bite upon my necessity. He loves your wife;<br/> - there's the short and the long.<br/> - My name is Corporal Nym; I speak, and I avouch;<br/> - 'Tis true. My name is Nym, and Falstaff loves your wife.<br/> - Adieu! I love not the humour of bread and cheese; and<br/> - there's the humour of it. Adieu. Exit Nym<br/> - PAGE. 'The humour of it,' quoth 'a! Here's a fellow frights<br/> - English out of his wits.<br/> - FORD. I will seek out Falstaff.<br/> - PAGE. I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue.<br/> - FORD. If I do find it-well.<br/> - PAGE. I will not believe such a Cataian though the priest o'<br/> - th' town commended him for a true man.<br/> - FORD. 'Twas a good sensible fellow. Well.<br/> -</p> - -<p> MISTRESS PAGE and MISTRESS FORD come forward</p> - -<p> PAGE. How now, Meg!<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Whither go you, George? Hark you.<br/> - MRS. FORD. How now, sweet Frank, why art thou melancholy?<br/> - FORD. I melancholy! I am not melancholy. Get you home;<br/> - go.<br/> - MRS. FORD. Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head now.<br/> - Will you go, Mistress Page?<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY</p> - -<p> MRS. PAGE. Have with you. You'll come to dinner, George?<br/> - [Aside to MRS. FORD] Look who comes yonder; she shall<br/> - be our messenger to this paltry knight.<br/> - MRS. FORD. [Aside to MRS. PAGE] Trust me, I thought on<br/> - her; she'll fit it.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. You are come to see my daughter Anne?<br/> - QUICKLY. Ay, forsooth; and, I pray, how does good Mistress Anne?<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Go in with us and see; we have an hour's talk<br/> - with you. Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and<br/> - MISTRESS QUICKLY<br/> - PAGE. How now, Master Ford!<br/> - FORD. You heard what this knave told me, did you not?<br/> - PAGE. Yes; and you heard what the other told me?<br/> - FORD. Do you think there is truth in them?<br/> - PAGE. Hang 'em, slaves! I do not think the knight would offer it;<br/> - but these that accuse him in his intent towards our<br/> - wives are a yoke of his discarded men; very rogues, now<br/> - they be out of service.<br/> - FORD. Were they his men?<br/> - PAGE. Marry, were they.<br/> - FORD. I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at the<br/> - Garter?<br/> - PAGE. Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage<br/> - toward my wife, I would turn her loose to him; and what<br/> - he gets more of her than sharp words, let it lie on my head.<br/> - FORD. I do not misdoubt my wife; but I would be loath to<br/> - turn them together. A man may be too confident. I would<br/> - have nothing lie on my head. I cannot be thus satisfied.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter HOST</p> - -<p> PAGE. Look where my ranting host of the Garter comes.<br/> - There is either liquor in his pate or money in his purse<br/> - when he looks so merrily. How now, mine host!<br/> - HOST. How now, bully rook! Thou'rt a gentleman. [To<br/> - SHALLOW following] Cavaleiro Justice, I say.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter SHALLOW</p> - -<p> SHALLOW. I follow, mine host, I follow. Good even and<br/> - twenty, good Master Page! Master Page, will you go with<br/> - us? We have sport in hand.<br/> - HOST. Tell him, Cavaleiro Justice; tell him, bully rook.<br/> - SHALLOW. Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hugh<br/> - the Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor.<br/> - FORD. Good mine host o' th' Garter, a word with you.<br/> - HOST. What say'st thou, my bully rook? [They go aside]<br/> - SHALLOW. [To PAGE] Will you go with us to behold it? My<br/> - merry host hath had the measuring of their weapons; and,<br/> - I think, hath appointed them contrary places; for, believe<br/> - me, I hear the parson is no jester. Hark, I will tell you<br/> - what our sport shall be. [They converse apart]<br/> - HOST. Hast thou no suit against my knight, my guest-cavaleiro.<br/> - FORD. None, I protest; but I'll give you a pottle of burnt<br/> - sack to give me recourse to him, and tell him my name is<br/> - Brook-only for a jest.<br/> - HOST. My hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and regress-<br/> - said I well?-and thy name shall be Brook. It is a merry<br/> - knight. Will you go, Mynheers?<br/> - SHALLOW. Have with you, mine host.<br/> - PAGE. I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in his<br/> - rapier.<br/> - SHALLOW. Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these<br/> - times you stand on distance, your passes, stoccadoes, and<br/> - I know not what. 'Tis the heart, Master Page; 'tis here,<br/> - 'tis here. I have seen the time with my long sword I would<br/> - have made you four tall fellows skip like rats.<br/> - HOST. Here, boys, here, here! Shall we wag?<br/> - PAGE. Have with you. I had rather hear them scold than<br/> - fight. Exeunt all but FORD<br/> - FORD. Though Page be a secure fool, and stands so firmly on<br/> - his wife's frailty, yet I cannot put off my opinion so<br/> - easily. She was in his company at Page's house, and what<br/> - they made there I know not. Well, I will look further into<br/> - 't, and I have a disguise to sound Falstaff. If I find her<br/> - honest, I lose not my labour; if she be otherwise, 'tis labour<br/> - well bestowed. Exit<br/> -</p> - -<h4>SCENE 2.</h4> - -<p>A room in the Garter Inn</p> - -<p>Enter FALSTAFF and PISTOL</p> - -<p> FALSTAFF. I will not lend thee a penny.<br/> - PISTOL. I will retort the sum in equipage.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Not a penny.<br/> - PISTOL. Why, then the world's mine oyster. Which I with<br/> - sword will open.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should<br/> - lay my countenance to pawn. I have grated upon my good<br/> - friends for three reprieves for you and your coach-fellow,<br/> - Nym; or else you had look'd through the grate, like a<br/> - geminy of baboons. I am damn'd in hell for swearing to<br/> - gentlemen my friends you were good soldiers and tall fellows;<br/> - and when Mistress Bridget lost the handle of her fan,<br/> - I took 't upon mine honour thou hadst it not.<br/> - PISTOL. Didst not thou share? Hadst thou not fifteen pence?<br/> - FALSTAFF. Reason, you rogue, reason. Think'st thou I'll<br/> - endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more about me,<br/> - I am no gibbet for you. Go-a short knife and a throng!-<br/> - to your manor of Pickt-hatch; go. You'll not bear a letter<br/> - for me, you rogue! You stand upon your honour! Why,<br/> - thou unconfinable baseness, it is as much as I can do to<br/> - keep the terms of my honour precise. I, I, I myself<br/> - sometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left hand, and hiding<br/> - mine honour in my necessity, am fain to shuffle, to hedge,<br/> - and to lurch; and yet you, rogue, will ensconce your rags,<br/> - your cat-a-mountain looks, your red-lattice phrases, and<br/> - your bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your honour!<br/> - You will not do it, you!<br/> - PISTOL. I do relent; what would thou more of man?<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter ROBIN</p> - -<p> ROBIN. Sir, here's a woman would speak with you.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Let her approach.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY</p> - -<p> QUICKLY. Give your worship good morrow.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Good morrow, good wife.<br/> - QUICKLY. Not so, an't please your worship.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Good maid, then.<br/> - QUICKLY. I'll be sworn;<br/> - As my mother was, the first hour I was born.<br/> - FALSTAFF. I do believe the swearer. What with me?<br/> - QUICKLY. Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?<br/> - FALSTAFF. Two thousand, fair woman; and I'll vouchsafe<br/> - thee the hearing.<br/> - QUICKLY. There is one Mistress Ford, sir-I pray, come a little<br/> - nearer this ways. I myself dwell with Master Doctor<br/> - Caius.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say-<br/> - QUICKLY. Your worship says very true. I pray your worship<br/> - come a little nearer this ways.<br/> - FALSTAFF. I warrant thee nobody hears-mine own people,<br/> - mine own people.<br/> - QUICKLY. Are they so? God bless them, and make them his<br/> - servants!<br/> - FALSTAFF. Well; Mistress Ford, what of her?<br/> - QUICKLY. Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord, Lord, your<br/> - worship's a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you, and all of<br/> - us, I pray.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford-<br/> - QUICKLY. Marry, this is the short and the long of it: you<br/> - have brought her into such a canaries as 'tis wonderful.<br/> - The best courtier of them all, when the court lay at Windsor,<br/> - could never have brought her to such a canary. Yet<br/> - there has been knights, and lords, and gentlemen, with<br/> - their coaches; I warrant you, coach after coach, letter after<br/> - letter, gift after gift; smelling so sweetly, all musk, and so<br/> - rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in such alligant<br/> - terms; and in such wine and sugar of the best and the<br/> - fairest, that would have won any woman's heart; and I<br/> - warrant you, they could never get an eye-wink of her.<br/> - I had myself twenty angels given me this morning; but I<br/> - defy all angels, in any such sort, as they say, but in the<br/> - way of honesty; and, I warrant you, they could never get<br/> - her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of them all;<br/> - and yet there has been earls, nay, which is more,<br/> - pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one with her.<br/> - FALSTAFF. But what says she to me? Be brief, my good she-<br/> - Mercury.<br/> - QUICKLY. Marry, she hath receiv'd your letter; for the<br/> - which she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives you<br/> - to notify that her husband will be absence from his house<br/> - between ten and eleven.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Ten and eleven?<br/> - QUICKLY. Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see<br/> - the picture, she says, that you wot of. Master Ford, her<br/> - husband, will be from home. Alas, the sweet woman leads<br/> - an ill life with him! He's a very jealousy man; she leads a<br/> - very frampold life with him, good heart.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I<br/> - will not fail her.<br/> - QUICKLY. Why, you say well. But I have another messenger<br/> - to your worship. Mistress Page hath her hearty commendations<br/> - to you too; and let me tell you in your ear, she's as<br/> - fartuous a civil modest wife, and one, I tell you, that will<br/> - not miss you morning nor evening prayer, as any is in<br/> - Windsor, whoe'er be the other; and she bade me tell your<br/> - worship that her husband is seldom from home, but she<br/> - hopes there will come a time. I never knew a woman so<br/> - dote upon a man: surely I think you have charms, la! Yes,<br/> - in truth.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Not I, I assure thee; setting the attraction of my<br/> - good parts aside, I have no other charms.<br/> - QUICKLY. Blessing on your heart for 't!<br/> - FALSTAFF. But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's wife and<br/> - Page's wife acquainted each other how they love me?<br/> - QUICKLY. That were a jest indeed! They have not so little<br/> - grace, I hope-that were a trick indeed! But Mistress Page<br/> - would desire you to send her your little page of all loves.<br/> - Her husband has a marvellous infection to the little page;<br/> - and truly Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in<br/> - Windsor leads a better life than she does; do what she will,<br/> - say what she will, take all, pay all, go to bed when she<br/> - list, rise when she list, all is as she will; and truly she<br/> - deserves it; for if there be a kind woman in Windsor, she<br/> - is one. You must send her your page; no remedy.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Why, I will.<br/> - QUICKLY. Nay, but do so then; and, look you, he may come<br/> - and go between you both; and in any case have a<br/> - nay-word, that you may know one another's mind, and the boy<br/> - never need to understand any thing; for 'tis not good that<br/> - children should know any wickedness. Old folks, you<br/> - know, have discretion, as they say, and know the world.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Fare thee well; commend me to them both.<br/> - There's my purse; I am yet thy debtor. Boy, go along with<br/> - this woman. [Exeunt QUICKLY and ROBIN] This news<br/> - distracts me.<br/> - PISTOL. [Aside] This punk is one of Cupid's carriers;<br/> - Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights;<br/> - Give fire; she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all! Exit<br/> - FALSTAFF. Say'st thou so, old Jack; go thy ways; I'll make<br/> - more of thy old body than I have done. Will they yet look<br/> - after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense of so much money,<br/> - be now a gainer? Good body, I thank thee. Let them say<br/> - 'tis grossly done; so it be fairly done, no matter.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter BARDOLPH</p> - -<p> BARDOLPH. Sir John, there's one Master Brook below would<br/> - fain speak with you, and be acquainted with you; and hath<br/> - sent your worship a moming's draught of sack.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Brook is his name?<br/> - BARDOLPH. Ay, sir.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Call him in. [Exit BARDOLPH] Such Brooks are<br/> - welcome to me, that o'erflows such liquor. Ah, ha! Mistress<br/> - Ford and Mistress Page, have I encompass'd you? Go to;<br/> - via!<br/> -</p> - -<p> Re-enter BARDOLPH, with FORD disguised</p> - -<p> FORD. Bless you, sir! - FALSTAFF. And you, sir! Would you speak with me? - FORD. I make bold to press with so little preparation upon - you. - FALSTAFF. You're welcome. What's your will? Give us leave, - drawer. Exit BARDOLPH - FORD. Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much; my name - is Brook. - FALSTAFF. Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance - of you. - FORD. Good Sir John, I sue for yours-not to charge you; for I - must let you understand I think myself in better plight for - a lender than you are; the which hath something - embold'ned me to this unseason'd intrusion; for they say, if - money go before, all ways do lie open. - FALSTAFF. Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on. - FORD. Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me; if - you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or half, for easing - me of the carriage. - FALSTAFF. Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your - porter. - FORD. I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing. - FALSTAFF. Speak, good Master Brook; I shall be glad to be - your servant. - FORD. Sir, I hear you are a scholar-I will be brief with you - -and you have been a man long known to me, though I - had never so good means as desire to make myself acquainted - with you. I shall discover a thing to you, wherein - I must very much lay open mine own imperfection; but, - good Sir John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as you - hear them unfolded, turn another into the register of your - own, that I may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you - yourself know how easy is it to be such an offender. - FALSTAFF. Very well, sir; proceed. - FORD. There is a gentlewoman in this town, her husband's - name is Ford. - FALSTAFF. Well, sir. - FORD. I have long lov'd her, and, I protest to you, bestowed - much on her; followed her with a doting observance; - engross'd opportunities to meet her; fee'd every slight occasion - that could but niggardly give me sight of her; not - only bought many presents to give her, but have given - largely to many to know what she would have given; - briefly, I have pursu'd her as love hath pursued me; which - hath been on the wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I - have merited, either in my mind or in my means, meed, I - am sure, I have received none, unless experience be a jewel; - that I have purchased at an infinite rate, and that hath - taught me to say this: - 'Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues; - Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.' - FALSTAFF. Have you receiv'd no promise of satisfaction at - her hands? - FORD. Never. - FALSTAFF. Have you importun'd her to such a purpose? - FORD. Never. - FALSTAFF. Of what quality was your love, then? - FORD. Like a fair house built on another man's ground; so - that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place where - erected it. - FALSTAFF. To what purpose have you unfolded this to me? - FORD. When I have told you that, I have told you all. Some - say that though she appear honest to me, yet in other - places she enlargeth her mirth so far that there is shrewd - construction made of her. Now, Sir John, here is the heart - of my purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent - breeding, admirable discourse, of great admittance, authentic in - your place and person, generally allow'd for your many - war-like, courtlike, and learned preparations. - FALSTAFF. O, sir! - FORD. Believe it, for you know it. There is money; spend it, - spend it; spend more; spend all I have; only give me so - much of your time in exchange of it as to lay an amiable - siege to the honesty of this Ford's wife; use your art of - wooing, win her to consent to you; if any man may, you - may as soon as any. - FALSTAFF. Would it apply well to the vehemency of your - affection, that I should win what you would enjoy? - Methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously. - FORD. O, understand my drift. She dwells so securely on the - excellency of her honour that the folly of my soul dares - not present itself; she is too bright to be look'd against. - Now, could I come to her with any detection in my hand, - my desires had instance and argument to commend themselves; - I could drive her then from the ward of her purity, - her reputation, her marriage vow, and a thousand other her - defences, which now are too too strongly embattl'd against - me. What say you to't, Sir John? - FALSTAFF. Master Brook, I will first make bold with your - money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am a gentleman, - you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's wife. - FORD. O good sir! - FALSTAFF. I say you shall. - FORD. Want no money, Sir John; you shall want none. - FALSTAFF. Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall - want none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her own - appointment; even as you came in to me her assistant, or - go-between, parted from me; I say I shall be with her between - ten and eleven; for at that time the jealous rascally - knave, her husband, will be forth. Come you to me at - night; you shall know how I speed. - FORD. I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford, - Sir? - FALSTAFF. Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him - not; yet I wrong him to call him poor; they say the - jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money; for the which - his wife seems to me well-favour'd. I will use her as the - key of the cuckoldly rogue's coffer; and there's my harvest-home. - FORD. I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid him - if you saw him. - FALSTAFF. Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will - stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with my cudgel; - it shall hang like a meteor o'er the cuckold's horns. Master - Brook, thou shalt know I will predominate over the - peasant, and thou shalt lie with his wife. Come to me soon at - night. Ford's a knave, and I will aggravate his style; thou, - Master Brook, shalt know him for knave and cuckold. - Come to me soon at night. Exit - FORD. What a damn'd Epicurean rascal is this! My heart is - ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is improvident - jealousy? My wife hath sent to him; the hour is fix'd; - the match is made. Would any man have thought this? See - the hell of having a false woman! My bed shall be abus'd, - my coffers ransack'd, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall - not only receive this villainous wrong, but stand under the - adoption of abominable terms, and by him that does me - this wrong. Terms! names! Amaimon sounds well; Lucifer, - well; Barbason, well; yet they are devils' additions, the names - of fiends. But cuckold! Wittol! Cuckold! the devil himself - hath not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass; he will trust - his wife; he will not be jealous; I will rather trust a Fleming - with my butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman with my - cheese, an Irishman with my aqua-vitae bottle, or a thief to - walk my ambling gelding, than my wife with herself. Then - she plots, then she ruminates, then she devises; and what - they think in their hearts they may effect, they will break - their hearts but they will effect. God be prais'd for my - jealousy! Eleven o'clock the hour. I will prevent this, detect - my wife, be reveng'd on Falstaff, and laugh at Page. - I will about it; better three hours too soon than a minute - too late. Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold! Exit</p> - -<h4>SCENE 3.</h4> - -<p>A field near Windsor</p> - -<p>Enter CAIUS and RUGBY</p> - -<p> CAIUS. Jack Rugby!<br/> - RUGBY. Sir?<br/> - CAIUS. Vat is de clock, Jack?<br/> - RUGBY. 'Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promis'd to<br/> - meet.<br/> - CAIUS. By gar, he has save his soul dat he is no come; he has<br/> - pray his Pible well dat he is no come; by gar, Jack Rugby,<br/> - he is dead already, if he be come.<br/> - RUGBY. He is wise, sir; he knew your worship would kill<br/> - him if he came.<br/> - CAIUS. By gar, de herring is no dead so as I vill kill him. Take<br/> - your rapier, Jack; I vill tell you how I vill kill him.<br/> - RUGBY. Alas, sir, I cannot fence!<br/> - CAIUS. Villainy, take your rapier.<br/> - RUGBY. Forbear; here's company.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter HOST, SHALLOW, SLENDER, and PAGE</p> - -<p> HOST. Bless thee, bully doctor!<br/> - SHALLOW. Save you, Master Doctor Caius!<br/> - PAGE. Now, good Master Doctor!<br/> - SLENDER. Give you good morrow, sir.<br/> - CAIUS. Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for?<br/> - HOST. To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see thee traverse;<br/> - to see thee here, to see thee there; to see thee pass thy<br/> - punto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy distance, thy montant.<br/> - Is he dead, my Ethiopian? Is he dead, my Francisco? Ha,<br/> - bully! What says my Aesculapius? my Galen? my heart<br/> - of elder? Ha! is he dead, bully stale? Is he dead?<br/> - CAIUS. By gar, he is de coward Jack priest of de world; he is<br/> - not show his face.<br/> - HOST. Thou art a Castalion-King-Urinal. Hector of Greece,<br/> - my boy!<br/> - CAIUS. I pray you, bear witness that me have stay six or<br/> - seven, two tree hours for him, and he is no come.<br/> - SHALLOW. He is the wiser man, Master Doctor: he is a curer<br/> - of souls, and you a curer of bodies; if you should fight,<br/> - you go against the hair of your professions. Is it not true,<br/> - Master Page?<br/> - PAGE. Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great fighter,<br/> - though now a man of peace.<br/> - SHALLOW. Bodykins, Master Page, though I now be old, and<br/> - of the peace, if I see a sword out, my finger itches to make<br/> - one. Though we are justices, and doctors, and churchmen,<br/> - Master Page, we have some salt of our youth in us; we are<br/> - the sons of women, Master Page.<br/> - PAGE. 'Tis true, Master Shallow.<br/> - SHALLOW. It will be found so, Master Page. Master Doctor<br/> - CAIUS, I come to fetch you home. I am sworn of the peace;<br/> - you have show'd yourself a wise physician, and Sir Hugh<br/> - hath shown himself a wise and patient churchman. You<br/> - must go with me, Master Doctor.<br/> - HOST. Pardon, Guest Justice. A word, Mounseur Mockwater.<br/> - CAIUS. Mock-vater! Vat is dat?<br/> - HOST. Mockwater, in our English tongue, is valour, bully.<br/> - CAIUS. By gar, then I have as much mockvater as de Englishman.<br/> - Scurvy jack-dog priest! By gar, me vill cut his ears.<br/> - HOST. He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully.<br/> - CAIUS. Clapper-de-claw! Vat is dat?<br/> - HOST. That is, he will make thee amends.<br/> - CAIUS. By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw me; for,<br/> - by gar, me vill have it.<br/> - HOST. And I will provoke him to't, or let him wag.<br/> - CAIUS. Me tank you for dat.<br/> - HOST. And, moreover, bully-but first: [Aside to the others]<br/> - Master Guest, and Master Page, and eke Cavaleiro Slender,<br/> - go you through the town to Frogmore.<br/> - PAGE. [Aside] Sir Hugh is there, is he?<br/> - HOST. [Aside] He is there. See what humour he is in; and<br/> - I will bring the doctor about by the fields. Will it do well?<br/> - SHALLOW. [Aside] We will do it.<br/> - PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER. Adieu, good Master Doctor.<br/> - Exeunt PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER<br/> - CAIUS. By gar, me vill kill de priest; for he speak for a jack-<br/> - an-ape to Anne Page.<br/> - HOST. Let him die. Sheathe thy impatience; throw cold water<br/> - on thy choler; go about the fields with me through Frogmore;<br/> - I will bring thee where Mistress Anne Page is, at a a<br/> - farm-house, a-feasting; and thou shalt woo her. Cried<br/> - game! Said I well?<br/> - CAIUS. By gar, me dank you vor dat; by gar, I love you; and<br/> - I shall procure-a you de good guest, de earl, de knight, de<br/> - lords, de gentlemen, my patients.<br/> - HOST. For the which I will be thy adversary toward Anne<br/> - Page. Said I well?<br/> - CAIUS. By gar, 'tis good; vell said.<br/> - HOST. Let us wag, then.<br/> - CAIUS. Come at my heels, Jack Rugby. Exeunt<br/> -</p> - -<h4>ACT III SCENE 1.</h4> - -<p>A field near Frogmore</p> - -<p>Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE</p> - -<p> EVANS. I pray you now, good Master Slender's serving-man,<br/> - and friend Simple by your name, which way have you<br/> - look'd for Master Caius, that calls himself Doctor of<br/> - Physic?<br/> - SIMPLE. Marry, sir, the pittie-ward, the park-ward; every<br/> - way; old Windsor way, and every way but the town way.<br/> - EVANS. I most fehemently desire you you will also look that<br/> - way.<br/> - SIMPLE. I will, Sir. Exit<br/> - EVANS. Pless my soul, how full of chollors I am, and trempling<br/> - of mind! I shall be glad if he have deceived me. How<br/> - melancholies I am! I will knog his urinals about his knave's<br/> - costard when I have goot opportunities for the ork. Pless<br/> - my soul! [Sings]<br/> - To shallow rivers, to whose falls<br/> - Melodious birds sings madrigals;<br/> - There will we make our peds of roses,<br/> - And a thousand fragrant posies.<br/> - To shallow-<br/> - Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry. [Sings]<br/> - Melodious birds sing madrigals-<br/> - Whenas I sat in Pabylon-<br/> - And a thousand vagram posies.<br/> - To shallow, etc.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Re-enter SIMPLE</p> - -<p> SIMPLE. Yonder he is, coming this way, Sir Hugh.<br/> - EVANS. He's welcome. [Sings]<br/> - To shallow rivers, to whose falls-<br/> - Heaven prosper the right! What weapons is he?<br/> - SIMPLE. No weapons, sir. There comes my master, Master<br/> - Shallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore, over the<br/> - stile, this way.<br/> - EVANS. Pray you give me my gown; or else keep it in your<br/> - arms. [Takes out a book]<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER</p> - -<p> SHALLOW. How now, Master Parson! Good morrow, good<br/> - Sir Hugh. Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good student<br/> - from his book, and it is wonderful.<br/> - SLENDER. [Aside] Ah, sweet Anne Page!<br/> - PAGE. Save you, good Sir Hugh!<br/> - EVANS. Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you!<br/> - SHALLOW. What, the sword and the word! Do you study<br/> - them both, Master Parson?<br/> - PAGE. And youthful still, in your doublet and hose, this raw<br/> - rheumatic day!<br/> - EVANS. There is reasons and causes for it.<br/> - PAGE. We are come to you to do a good office, Master<br/> - Parson.<br/> - EVANS. Fery well; what is it?<br/> - PAGE. Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belike having<br/> - received wrong by some person, is at most odds with<br/> - his own gravity and patience that ever you saw.<br/> - SHALLOW. I have lived fourscore years and upward; I never<br/> - heard a man of his place, gravity, and learning, so wide of<br/> - his own respect.<br/> - EVANS. What is he?<br/> - PAGE. I think you know him: Master Doctor Caius, the<br/> - renowned French physician.<br/> - EVANS. Got's will and his passion of my heart! I had as lief<br/> - you would tell me of a mess of porridge.<br/> - PAGE. Why?<br/> - EVANS. He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates and<br/> - Galen, and he is a knave besides-a cowardly knave as you<br/> - would desires to be acquainted withal.<br/> - PAGE. I warrant you, he's the man should fight with him.<br/> - SLENDER. [Aside] O sweet Anne Page!<br/> - SHALLOW. It appears so, by his weapons. Keep them asunder;<br/> - here comes Doctor Caius.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter HOST, CAIUS, and RUGBY</p> - -<p> PAGE. Nay, good Master Parson, keep in your weapon.<br/> - SHALLOW. So do you, good Master Doctor.<br/> - HOST. Disarm them, and let them question; let them keep<br/> - their limbs whole and hack our English.<br/> - CAIUS. I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear.<br/> - Verefore will you not meet-a me?<br/> - EVANS. [Aside to CAIUS] Pray you use your patience; in<br/> - good time.<br/> - CAIUS. By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape.<br/> - EVANS. [Aside to CAIUS] Pray you, let us not be<br/> - laughing-stocks to other men's humours; I desire you in<br/> - friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends.<br/> - [Aloud] I will knog your urinals about your knave's cogscomb<br/> - for missing your meetings and appointments.<br/> - CAIUS. Diable! Jack Rugby-mine Host de Jarteer-have I<br/> - not stay for him to kill him? Have I not, at de place I did<br/> - appoint?<br/> - EVANS. As I am a Christians soul, now, look you, this is the<br/> - place appointed. I'll be judgment by mine host of the<br/> - Garter.<br/> - HOST. Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh,<br/> - soul-curer and body-curer.<br/> - CAIUS. Ay, dat is very good! excellent!<br/> - HOST. Peace, I say. Hear mine host of the Garter. Am I<br/> - politic? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel? Shall I lose my<br/> - doctor? No; he gives me the potions and the motions. Shall I<br/> - lose my parson, my priest, my Sir Hugh? No; he gives me<br/> - the proverbs and the noverbs. Give me thy hand, terrestrial;<br/> - so. Give me thy hand, celestial; so. Boys of art, I have<br/> - deceiv'd you both; I have directed you to wrong places;<br/> - your hearts are mighty, your skins are whole, and let burnt<br/> - sack be the issue. Come, lay their swords to pawn. Follow<br/> - me, lads of peace; follow, follow, follow.<br/> - SHALLOW. Trust me, a mad host. Follow, gentlemen, follow.<br/> - SLENDER. [Aside] O sweet Anne Page!<br/> - Exeunt all but CAIUS and EVANS<br/> - CAIUS. Ha, do I perceive dat? Have you make-a de sot of us,<br/> - ha, ha?<br/> - EVANS. This is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog. I<br/> - desire you that we may be friends; and let us knog our prains<br/> - together to be revenge on this same scall, scurvy, cogging<br/> - companion, the host of the Garter.<br/> - CAIUS. By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring me<br/> - where is Anne Page; by gar, he deceive me too.<br/> - EVANS. Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you follow.<br/> - Exeunt<br/> +<p class="drama"> +SIR HUGH EVANS, a Welsh parson<br/> +DOCTOR CAIUS, a French physician<br/> +MISTRESS QUICKLY, servant to Doctor Caius<br/> +John RUGBY, servant to Doctor Caius </p> -<h4>SCENE 2.</h4> - -<p>The street in Windsor</p> - -<p>Enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN</p> - -<p> MRS. PAGE. Nay, keep your way, little gallant; you were<br/> - wont to be a follower, but now you are a leader. Whether<br/> - had you rather lead mine eyes, or eye your master's heels?<br/> - ROBIN. I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man than<br/> - follow him like a dwarf.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. O, you are a flattering boy; now I see you'll be a<br/> - courtier.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter FORD</p> - -<p> FORD. Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you?<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home?<br/> - FORD. Ay; and as idle as she may hang together, for want of<br/> - company. I think, if your husbands were dead, you two<br/> - would marry.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Be sure of that-two other husbands.<br/> - FORD. Where had you this pretty weathercock?<br/> - MRS. PAGE. I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my<br/> - husband had him of. What do you call your knight's<br/> - name, sirrah?<br/> - ROBIN. Sir John Falstaff.<br/> - FORD. Sir John Falstaff!<br/> - MRS. PAGE. He, he; I can never hit on's name. There is such<br/> - a league between my good man and he! Is your wife at<br/> - home indeed?<br/> - FORD. Indeed she is.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. By your leave, sir. I am sick till I see her.<br/> - Exeunt MRS. PAGE and ROBIN<br/> - FORD. Has Page any brains? Hath he any eyes? Hath he any<br/> - thinking? Sure, they sleep; he hath no use of them. Why,<br/> - this boy will carry a letter twenty mile as easy as a cannon<br/> - will shoot pointblank twelve score. He pieces out his wife's<br/> - inclination; he gives her folly motion and advantage; and<br/> - now she's going to my wife, and Falstaff's boy with her. A<br/> - man may hear this show'r sing in the wind. And Falstaff's<br/> - boy with her! Good plots! They are laid; and our revolted<br/> - wives share damnation together. Well; I will take him,<br/> - then torture my wife, pluck the borrowed veil of modesty<br/> - from the so seeming Mistress Page, divulge Page himself<br/> - for a secure and wilful Actaeon; and to these violent proceedings<br/> - all my neighbours shall cry aim. [Clock strikes]<br/> - The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance bids me<br/> - search; there I shall find Falstaff. I shall be rather prais'd<br/> - for this than mock'd; for it is as positive as the earth is firm<br/> - that Falstaff is there. I will go.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, SLENDER, HOST, SIR HUGH EVANS,<br/> - CAIUS, and RUGBY<br/> -</p> - -<p> SHALLOW, PAGE, &C. Well met, Master Ford.<br/> - FORD. Trust me, a good knot; I have good cheer at home,<br/> - and I pray you all go with me.<br/> - SHALLOW. I must excuse myself, Master Ford.<br/> - SLENDER. And so must I, sir; we have appointed to dine with<br/> - Mistress Anne, and I would not break with her for more<br/> - money than I'll speak of.<br/> - SHALLOW. We have linger'd about a match between Anne<br/> - Page and my cousin Slender, and this day we shall have<br/> - our answer.<br/> - SLENDER. I hope I have your good will, father Page.<br/> - PAGE. You have, Master Slender; I stand wholly for you. But<br/> - my wife, Master Doctor, is for you altogether.<br/> - CAIUS. Ay, be-gar; and de maid is love-a me; my nursh-a<br/> - Quickly tell me so mush.<br/> - HOST. What say you to young Master Fenton? He capers,<br/> - he dances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses, he speaks<br/> - holiday, he smells April and May; he will carry 't, he will<br/> - carry 't; 'tis in his buttons; he will carry 't.<br/> - PAGE. Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman is<br/> - of no having: he kept company with the wild Prince and<br/> - Poins; he is of too high a region, he knows too much. No,<br/> - he shall not knit a knot in his fortunes with the finger of<br/> - my substance; if he take her, let him take her simply; the<br/> - wealth I have waits on my consent, and my consent goes<br/> - not that way.<br/> - FORD. I beseech you, heartily, some of you go home with me<br/> - to dinner: besides your cheer, you shall have sport; I will<br/> - show you a monster. Master Doctor, you shall go; so shall<br/> - you, Master Page; and you, Sir Hugh.<br/> - SHALLOW. Well, fare you well; we shall have the freer<br/> - wooing at Master Page's. Exeunt SHALLOW and SLENDER<br/> - CAIUS. Go home, John Rugby; I come anon. Exit RUGBY<br/> - HOST. Farewell, my hearts; I will to my honest knight<br/> - Falstaff, and drink canary with him. Exit HOST<br/> - FORD. [Aside] I think I shall drink in pipe-wine first with<br/> - him. I'll make him dance. Will you go, gentles?<br/> - ALL. Have with you to see this monster. Exeunt<br/> -</p> - -<h4>SCENE 3.</h4> - -<p>FORD'S house</p> - -<p>Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE</p> - -<p> MRS. FORD. What, John! what, Robert!<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Quickly, quickly! Is the buck-basket-<br/> - MRS. FORD. I warrant. What, Robin, I say!<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter SERVANTS with a basket</p> - -<p> MRS. PAGE. Come, come, come.<br/> - MRS. FORD. Here, set it down.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Give your men the charge; we must be brief.<br/> - MRS. FORD. Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert, be<br/> - ready here hard by in the brew-house; and when I suddenly<br/> - call you, come forth, and, without any pause or<br/> - staggering, take this basket on your shoulders. That done,<br/> - trudge with it in all haste, and carry it among the whitsters<br/> - in Datchet Mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch<br/> - close by the Thames side.<br/> - Mrs. PAGE. You will do it?<br/> - MRS. FORD. I ha' told them over and over; they lack no<br/> - direction. Be gone, and come when you are call'd.<br/> - Exeunt SERVANTS<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Here comes little Robin.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter ROBIN</p> - -<p> MRS. FORD. How now, my eyas-musket, what news with<br/> - you?<br/> - ROBIN. My Master Sir John is come in at your back-door,<br/> - Mistress Ford, and requests your company.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to us?<br/> - ROBIN. Ay, I'll be sworn. My master knows not of your<br/> - being here, and hath threat'ned to put me into everlasting<br/> - liberty, if I tell you of it; for he swears he'll turn me away.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Thou 'rt a good boy; this secrecy of thine shall<br/> - be a tailor to thee, and shall make thee a new doublet and<br/> - hose. I'll go hide me.<br/> - MRS. FORD. Do so. Go tell thy master I am alone. [Exit<br/> - ROBIN] Mistress Page, remember you your cue.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me.<br/> - Exit MRS. PAGE<br/> - MRS. FORD. Go to, then; we'll use this unwholesome<br/> - humidity, this gross wat'ry pumpion; we'll teach him to<br/> - know turtles from jays.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter FALSTAFF</p> - -<p> FALSTAFF. Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel?<br/> - Why, now let me die, for I have liv'd long enough; this is<br/> - the period of my ambition. O this blessed hour!<br/> - MRS. FORD. O sweet Sir John!<br/> - FALSTAFF. Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate,<br/> - Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish; I would thy<br/> - husband were dead; I'll speak it before the best lord, I<br/> - would make thee my lady.<br/> - MRS. FORD. I your lady, Sir John? Alas, I should be a pitiful<br/> - lady.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Let the court of France show me such another. I<br/> - see how thine eye would emulate the diamond; thou hast<br/> - the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes the<br/> - ship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire of Venetian admittance.<br/> - MRS. FORD. A plain kerchief, Sir John; my brows become<br/> - nothing else, nor that well neither.<br/> - FALSTAFF. By the Lord, thou art a tyrant to say so; thou<br/> - wouldst make an absolute courtier, and the firm fixture of<br/> - thy foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait in a<br/> - semi-circled farthingale. I see what thou wert, if Fortune<br/> - thy foe were, not Nature, thy friend. Come, thou canst not<br/> - hide it.<br/> - MRS. FORD. Believe me, there's no such thing in me.<br/> - FALSTAFF. What made me love thee? Let that persuade thee<br/> - there's something extra-ordinary in thee. Come, I cannot<br/> - cog, and say thou art this and that, like a many of these<br/> - lisping hawthorn-buds that come like women in men's<br/> - apparel, and smell like Bucklersbury in simple time; I<br/> - cannot; but I love thee, none but thee; and thou deserv'st it.<br/> - MRS. FORD. Do not betray me, sir; I fear you love Mistress<br/> - Page.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the<br/> - Counter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek of a<br/> - lime-kiln.<br/> - MRS. FORD. Well, heaven knows how I love you; and you<br/> - shall one day find it.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Keep in that mind; I'll deserve it.<br/> - MRS. FORD. Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or else I could<br/> - not be in that mind.<br/> - ROBIN. [Within] Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford! here's<br/> - Mistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing and looking<br/> - wildly, and would needs speak with you presently.<br/> - FALSTAFF. She shall not see me; I will ensconce me behind<br/> - the arras.<br/> - MRS. FORD. Pray you, do so; she's a very tattling woman.<br/> - [FALSTAFF hides himself]<br/> -</p> - -<p> Re-enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN</p> - -<p> What's the matter? How now!<br/> - MRS. PAGE. O Mistress Ford, what have you done? You're<br/> - sham'd, y'are overthrown, y'are undone for ever.<br/> - MRS. FORD. What's the matter, good Mistress Page?<br/> - MRS. PAGE. O well-a-day, Mistress Ford, having an honest<br/> - man to your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion!<br/> - MRS. FORD. What cause of suspicion?<br/> - MRS. PAGE. What cause of suspicion? Out upon you, how<br/> - am I mistook in you!<br/> - MRS. FORD. Why, alas, what's the matter?<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Your husband's coming hither, woman, with all<br/> - the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman that he<br/> - says is here now in the house, by your consent, to take an<br/> - ill advantage of his absence. You are undone.<br/> - MRS. FORD. 'Tis not so, I hope.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Pray heaven it be not so that you have such a<br/> - man here; but 'tis most certain your husband's coming,<br/> - with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a one. I<br/> - come before to tell you. If you know yourself clear, why,<br/> - I am glad of it; but if you have a friend here, convey,<br/> - convey him out. Be not amaz'd; call all your senses to you;<br/> - defend your reputation, or bid farewell to your good life<br/> - for ever.<br/> - MRS. FORD. What shall I do? There is a gentleman, my dear<br/> - friend; and I fear not mine own shame as much as his peril.<br/> - I had rather than a thousand pound he were out of the<br/> - house.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. For shame, never stand 'you had rather' and 'you<br/> - had rather'! Your husband's here at hand; bethink you of<br/> - some conveyance; in the house you cannot hide him. O,<br/> - how have you deceiv'd me! Look, here is a basket; if he be<br/> - of any reasonable stature, he may creep in here; and throw<br/> - foul linen upon him, as if it were going to bucking, or-it is<br/> - whiting-time-send him by your two men to Datchet<br/> - Mead.<br/> - MRS. FORD. He's too big to go in there. What shall I do?<br/> - FALSTAFF. [Coming forward] Let me see 't, let me see 't. O,<br/> - let me see 't! I'll in, I'll in; follow your friend's counsel;<br/> - I'll in.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. What, Sir John Falstaff! [Aside to FALSTAFF]<br/> - Are these your letters, knight?<br/> - FALSTAFF. [Aside to MRS. PAGE] I love thee and none but<br/> - thee; help me away.-Let me creep in here; I'll never-<br/> - [Gets into the basket; they cover him with foul linen]<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Help to cover your master, boy. Call your men,<br/> - Mistress Ford. You dissembling knight!<br/> - MRS. FORD. What, John! Robert! John! Exit ROBIN<br/> -</p> - -<p> Re-enter SERVANTS</p> - -<p> Go, take up these clothes here, quickly; -where's the - cowl-staff? Look how you drumble. Carry them to the laundress - in Datchet Mead; quickly, come.</p> - -<p> Enter FORD, PAGE, CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS</p> - -<p> FORD. Pray you come near. If I suspect without cause, why<br/> - then make sport at me, then let me be your jest; I deserve<br/> - it. How now, whither bear you this?<br/> - SERVANT. To the laundress, forsooth.<br/> - MRS. FORD. Why, what have you to do whither they bear it?<br/> - You were best meddle with buck-washing.<br/> - FORD. Buck? I would I could wash myself of the buck!<br/> - Buck, buck, buck! ay, buck! I warrant you, buck; and of<br/> - the season too, it shall appear. [Exeunt SERVANTS with<br/> - basket] Gentlemen, I have dream'd to-night; I'll tell you my<br/> - dream. Here, here, here be my keys; ascend my chambers,<br/> - search, seek, find out. I'll warrant we'll unkennel the fox.<br/> - Let me stop this way first. [Locking the door] So, now<br/> - uncape.<br/> - PAGE. Good Master Ford, be contented; you wrong yourself<br/> - too much.<br/> - FORD. True, Master Page. Up, gentlemen, you shall see sport<br/> - anon; follow me, gentlemen. Exit<br/> - EVANS. This is fery fantastical humours and jealousies.<br/> - CAIUS. By gar, 'tis no the fashion of France; it is not jealous<br/> - in France.<br/> - PAGE. Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his<br/> - search. Exeunt EVANS, PAGE, and CAIUS<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Is there not a double excellency in this?<br/> - MRS. FORD. I know not which pleases me better, that my<br/> - husband is deceived, or Sir John.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. What a taking was he in when your husband<br/> - ask'd who was in the basket!<br/> - MRS. FORD. I am half afraid he will have need of washing; so<br/> - throwing him into the water will do him a benefit.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all of the<br/> - same strain were in the same distress.<br/> - MRS. FORD. I think my husband hath some special suspicion<br/> - of Falstaff's being here, for I never saw him so gross in his<br/> - jealousy till now.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. I Will lay a plot to try that, and we will yet have<br/> - more tricks with Falstaff. His dissolute disease will scarce<br/> - obey this medicine.<br/> - MRS. FORD. Shall we send that foolish carrion, Mistress<br/> - Quickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into the water,<br/> - and give him another hope, to betray him to another<br/> - punishment?<br/> - MRS. PAGE. We will do it; let him be sent for to-morrow<br/> - eight o'clock, to have amends.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Re-enter FORD, PAGE, CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS</p> - -<p> FORD. I cannot find him; may be the knave bragg'd of that<br/> - he could not compass.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. [Aside to MRS. FORD] Heard you that?<br/> - MRS. FORD. You use me well, Master Ford, do you?<br/> - FORD. Ay, I do so.<br/> - MRS. FORD. Heaven make you better than your thoughts!<br/> - FORD. Amen.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. You do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford.<br/> - FORD. Ay, ay; I must bear it.<br/> - EVANS. If there be any pody in the house, and in the<br/> - chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses, heaven forgive<br/> - my sins at the day of judgment!<br/> - CAIUS. Be gar, nor I too; there is no bodies.<br/> - PAGE. Fie, fie, Master Ford, are you not asham'd? What<br/> - spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? I would not ha'<br/> - your distemper in this kind for the wealth of Windsor<br/> - Castle.<br/> - FORD. 'Tis my fault, Master Page; I suffer for it.<br/> - EVANS. You suffer for a pad conscience. Your wife is as<br/> - honest a omans as I will desires among five thousand, and five<br/> - hundred too.<br/> - CAIUS. By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman.<br/> - FORD. Well, I promis'd you a dinner. Come, come, walk in<br/> - the Park. I pray you pardon me; I will hereafter make<br/> - known to you why I have done this. Come, wife, come,<br/> - Mistress Page; I pray you pardon me; pray heartly,<br/> - pardon me.<br/> - PAGE. Let's go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we'll mock him.<br/> - I do invite you to-morrow morning to my house to breakfast;<br/> - after, we'll a-birding together; I have a fine hawk for<br/> - the bush. Shall it be so?<br/> - FORD. Any thing.<br/> - EVANS. If there is one, I shall make two in the company.<br/> - CAIUS. If there be one or two, I shall make-a the turd.<br/> - FORD. Pray you go, Master Page.<br/> - EVANS. I pray you now, remembrance to-morrow on the<br/> - lousy knave, mine host.<br/> - CAIUS. Dat is good; by gar, with all my heart.<br/> - EVANS. A lousy knave, to have his gibes and his mockeries!<br/> - Exeunt<br/> +<p class="drama"> +SERVANTS to Page, Ford, &c.<br/> </p> -<h4>SCENE 4.</h4> - -<p>Before PAGE'S house</p> - -<p>Enter FENTON and ANNE PAGE</p> - -<p> FENTON. I see I cannot get thy father's love;<br/> - Therefore no more turn me to him, sweet Nan.<br/> - ANNE. Alas, how then?<br/> - FENTON. Why, thou must be thyself.<br/> - He doth object I am too great of birth;<br/> - And that, my state being gall'd with my expense,<br/> - I seek to heal it only by his wealth.<br/> - Besides these, other bars he lays before me,<br/> - My riots past, my wild societies;<br/> - And tells me 'tis a thing impossible<br/> - I should love thee but as a property.<br/> - ANNE. May be he tells you true.<br/> - FENTON. No, heaven so speed me in my time to come!<br/> - Albeit I will confess thy father's wealth<br/> - Was the first motive that I woo'd thee, Anne;<br/> - Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more value<br/> - Than stamps in gold, or sums in sealed bags;<br/> - And 'tis the very riches of thyself<br/> - That now I aim at.<br/> - ANNE. Gentle Master Fenton,<br/> - Yet seek my father's love; still seek it, sir.<br/> - If opportunity and humblest suit<br/> - Cannot attain it, why then-hark you hither.<br/> - [They converse apart]<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter SHALLOW, SLENDER, and MISTRESS QUICKLY</p> - -<p> SHALLOW. Break their talk, Mistress Quickly; my kinsman<br/> - shall speak for himself.<br/> - SLENDER. I'll make a shaft or a bolt on 't; 'slid, 'tis but<br/> - venturing.<br/> - SHALLOW. Be not dismay'd.<br/> - SLENDER. No, she shall not dismay me. I care not for that,<br/> - but that I am afeard.<br/> - QUICKLY. Hark ye, Master Slender would speak a word<br/> - with you.<br/> - ANNE. I come to him. [Aside] This is my father's choice.<br/> - O, what a world of vile ill-favour'd faults<br/> - Looks handsome in three hundred pounds a year!<br/> - QUICKLY. And how does good Master Fenton? Pray you, a<br/> - word with you.<br/> - SHALLOW. She's coming; to her, coz. O boy, thou hadst a<br/> - father!<br/> - SLENDER. I had a father, Mistress Anne; my uncle can tell<br/> - you good jests of him. Pray you, uncle, tell Mistress Anne<br/> - the jest how my father stole two geese out of a pen, good<br/> - uncle.<br/> - SHALLOW. Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you.<br/> - SLENDER. Ay, that I do; as well as I love any woman in<br/> - Gloucestershire.<br/> - SHALLOW. He will maintain you like a gentlewoman.<br/> - SLENDER. Ay, that I will come cut and longtail, under the<br/> - degree of a squire.<br/> - SHALLOW. He will make you a hundred and fifty pounds<br/> - jointure.<br/> - ANNE. Good Master Shallow, let him woo for himself.<br/> - SHALLOW. Marry, I thank you for it; I thank you for that<br/> - good comfort. She calls you, coz; I'll leave you.<br/> - ANNE. Now, Master Slender-<br/> - SLENDER. Now, good Mistress Anne-<br/> - ANNE. What is your will?<br/> - SLENDER. My Will! 'Od's heartlings, that's a pretty jest<br/> - indeed! I ne'er made my will yet, I thank heaven; I am not<br/> - such a sickly creature, I give heaven praise.<br/> - ANNE. I mean, Master Slender, what would you with me?<br/> - SLENDER. Truly, for mine own part I would little or nothing<br/> - with you. Your father and my uncle hath made motions;<br/> - if it be my luck, so; if not, happy man be his dole! They<br/> - can tell you how things go better than I can. You may ask<br/> - your father; here he comes.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter PAGE and MISTRESS PAGE</p> - -<p> PAGE. Now, Master Slender! Love him, daughter Anne-<br/> - Why, how now, what does Master Fenton here?<br/> - You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt my house.<br/> - I told you, sir, my daughter is dispos'd of.<br/> - FENTON. Nay, Master Page, be not impatient.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Good Master Fenton, come not to my child.<br/> - PAGE. She is no match for you.<br/> - FENTON. Sir, will you hear me?<br/> - PAGE. No, good Master Fenton.<br/> - Come, Master Shallow; come, son Slender; in.<br/> - Knowing my mind, you wrong me, Master Fenton.<br/> - Exeunt PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER<br/> - QUICKLY. Speak to Mistress Page.<br/> - FENTON. Good Mistress Page, for that I love your daughter<br/> - In such a righteous fashion as I do,<br/> - Perforce, against all checks, rebukes, and manners,<br/> - I must advance the colours of my love,<br/> - And not retire. Let me have your good will.<br/> - ANNE. Good mother, do not marry me to yond fool.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. I mean it not; I seek you a better husband.<br/> - QUICKLY. That's my master, Master Doctor.<br/> - ANNE. Alas, I had rather be set quick i' th' earth.<br/> - And bowl'd to death with turnips.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Come, trouble not yourself. Good Master<br/> - Fenton,<br/> - I will not be your friend, nor enemy;<br/> - My daughter will I question how she loves you,<br/> - And as I find her, so am I affected;<br/> - Till then, farewell, sir; she must needs go in;<br/> - Her father will be angry.<br/> - FENTON. Farewell, gentle mistress; farewell, Nan.<br/> - Exeunt MRS. PAGE and ANNE<br/> - QUICKLY. This is my doing now: 'Nay,' said I 'will you cast<br/> - away your child on a fool, and a physician? Look on<br/> - Master Fenton.' This is my doing.<br/> - FENTON. I thank thee; and I pray thee, once to-night<br/> - Give my sweet Nan this ring. There's for thy pains.<br/> - QUICKLY. Now Heaven send thee good fortune! [Exit<br/> - FENTON] A kind heart he hath; a woman would run through<br/> - fire and water for such a kind heart. But yet I would my<br/> - master had Mistress Anne; or I would Master Slender had<br/> - her; or, in sooth, I would Master Fenton had her; I will<br/> - do what I can for them all three, for so I have promis'd,<br/> - and I'll be as good as my word; but speciously for Master<br/> - Fenton. Well, I must of another errand to Sir John Falstaff<br/> - from my two mistresses. What a beast am I to slack it!<br/> - Exit<br/> +<h3><b>SCENE: Windsor and the neighbourhood</b></h3> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="sceneI_23.1"></a><b>ACT I</b></h2> + +<h3><b>SCENE I. Windsor. Before Page’s house</b></h3> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Justice Shallow, Slender</span> and +<span class="charname">Sir Hugh Evans</span>. </p> -<h4>SCENE 5.</h4> - -<p>The Garter Inn</p> - -<p>Enter FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH</p> - -<p> FALSTAFF. Bardolph, I say!<br/> - BARDOLPH. Here, sir.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in 't.<br/> - Exit BARDOLPH<br/> - Have I liv'd to be carried in a basket, like a barrow of<br/> - butcher's offal, and to be thrown in the Thames? Well, if<br/> - I be serv'd such another trick, I'll have my brains ta'en out<br/> - and butter'd, and give them to a dog for a new-year's gift.<br/> - The rogues slighted me into the river with as little remorse<br/> - as they would have drown'd a blind bitch's puppies, fifteen<br/> - i' th' litter; and you may know by my size that I have<br/> - a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the bottom were as deep as<br/> - hell I should down. I had been drown'd but that the shore<br/> - was shelvy and shallow-a death that I abhor; for the water<br/> - swells a man; and what a thing should I have been when<br/> - had been swell'd! I should have been a mountain of<br/> - mummy.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Re-enter BARDOLPH, with sack</p> - -<p> BARDOLPH. Here's Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you<br/> - FALSTAFF. Come, let me pour in some sack to the Thames<br/> - water; for my belly's as cold as if I had swallow'd<br/> - snowballs for pills to cool the reins. Call her in.<br/> - BARDOLPH. Come in, woman.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY</p> - -<p> QUICKLY. By your leave; I cry you mercy. Give your<br/> - worship good morrow.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Take away these chalices. Go, brew me a pottle<br/> - of sack finely.<br/> - BARDOLPH. With eggs, sir?<br/> - FALSTAFF. Simple of itself; I'll no pullet-sperm in my<br/> - brewage. [Exit BARDOLPH] How now!<br/> - QUICKLY. Marry, sir, I come to your worship from Mistress<br/> - Ford.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Mistress Ford! I have had ford enough; I was<br/> - thrown into the ford; I have my belly full of ford.<br/> - QUICKLY. Alas the day, good heart, that was not her fault!<br/> - She does so take on with her men; they mistook their<br/> - erection.<br/> - FALSTAFF. So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's<br/> - promise.<br/> - QUICKLY. Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn<br/> - your heart to see it. Her husband goes this morning<br/> - a-birding; she desires you once more to come to her between<br/> - eight and nine; I must carry her word quickly. She'll make<br/> - you amends, I warrant you.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Well, I Will visit her. Tell her so; and bid her<br/> - think what a man is. Let her consider his frailty, and then<br/> - judge of my merit.<br/> - QUICKLY. I will tell her.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Do so. Between nine and ten, say'st thou?<br/> - QUICKLY. Eight and nine, sir.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Well, be gone; I will not miss her.<br/> - QUICKLY. Peace be with you, sir. Exit<br/> - FALSTAFF. I marvel I hear not of Master Brook; he sent me<br/> - word to stay within. I like his money well. O, here he<br/> - comes.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter FORD disguised</p> - -<p> FORD. Bless you, sir!<br/> - FALSTAFF. Now, Master Brook, you come to know what<br/> - hath pass'd between me and Ford's wife?<br/> - FORD. That, indeed, Sir John, is my business.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Master Brook, I will not lie to you; I was at her<br/> - house the hour she appointed me.<br/> - FORD. And sped you, sir?<br/> - FALSTAFF. Very ill-favouredly, Master Brook.<br/> - FORD. How so, sir; did she change her determination?<br/> - FALSTAFF. No. Master Brook; but the peaking cornuto her<br/> - husband, Master Brook, dwelling in a continual 'larum of<br/> - jealousy, comes me in the instant of our, encounter, after<br/> - we had embrac'd, kiss'd, protested, and, as it were, spoke<br/> - the prologue of our comedy; and at his heels a rabble of his<br/> - companions, thither provoked and instigated by his<br/> - distemper, and, forsooth, to search his house for his wife's<br/> - love.<br/> - FORD. What, while you were there?<br/> - FALSTAFF. While I was there.<br/> - FORD. And did he search for you, and could not find you?<br/> - FALSTAFF. You shall hear. As good luck would have it, comes<br/> - in one Mistress Page, gives intelligence of Ford's approach;<br/> - and, in her invention and Ford's wife's distraction, they<br/> - convey'd me into a buck-basket.<br/> - FORD. A buck-basket!<br/> - FALSTAFF. By the Lord, a buck-basket! Ramm'd me in with<br/> - foul shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, greasy<br/> - napkins, that, Master Brook, there was the rankest compound<br/> - of villainous smell that ever offended nostril.<br/> - FORD. And how long lay you there?<br/> - FALSTAFF. Nay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I have<br/> - suffer'd to bring this woman to evil for your good. Being<br/> - thus cramm'd in the basket, a couple of Ford's knaves, his<br/> - hinds, were call'd forth by their mistress to carry me in<br/> - the name of foul clothes to Datchet Lane; they took me on<br/> - their shoulders; met the jealous knave their master in the<br/> - door; who ask'd them once or twice what they had in their<br/> - basket. I quak'd for fear lest the lunatic knave would have<br/> - search'd it; but Fate, ordaining he should be a cuckold,<br/> - held his hand. Well, on went he for a search, and away<br/> - went I for foul clothes. But mark the sequel, Master<br/> - Brook-I suffered the pangs of three several deaths: first,<br/> - an intolerable fright to be detected with a jealous rotten<br/> - bell-wether; next, to be compass'd like a good bilbo in the<br/> - circumference of a peck, hilt to point, heel to head; and<br/> - then, to be stopp'd in, like a strong distillation, with<br/> - stinking clothes that fretted in their own grease. Think of that<br/> - -a man of my kidney. Think of that-that am as subject to<br/> - heat as butter; a man of continual dissolution and thaw. It<br/> - was a miracle to scape suffocation. And in the height of<br/> - this bath, when I was more than half-stew'd in grease, like<br/> - a Dutch dish, to be thrown into the Thames, and cool'd,<br/> - glowing hot, in that surge, like a horse-shoe; think of that<br/> - -hissing hot. Think of that, Master Brook.<br/> - FORD. In good sadness, sir, I am sorry that for my sake you<br/> - have suffer'd all this. My suit, then, is desperate;<br/> - you'll undertake her no more.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I<br/> - have been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her<br/> - husband is this morning gone a-birding; I have received from<br/> - her another embassy of meeting; 'twixt eight and nine is<br/> - the hour, Master Brook.<br/> - FORD. 'Tis past eight already, sir.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Is it? I Will then address me to my appointment.<br/> - Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shall<br/> - know how I speed; and the conclusion shall be crowned<br/> - with your enjoying her. Adieu. You shall have her, Master<br/> - Brook; Master Brook, you shall cuckold Ford. Exit<br/> - FORD. Hum! ha! Is this a vision? Is this a dream? Do I sleep?<br/> - Master Ford, awake; awake, Master Ford. There's a hole<br/> - made in your best coat, Master Ford. This 'tis to be<br/> - married; this 'tis to have linen and buck-baskets! Well, I will<br/> - proclaim myself what I am; I will now take the lecher; he<br/> - is at my house. He cannot scape me; 'tis impossible he<br/> - should; he cannot creep into a halfpenny purse nor into<br/> - a pepper box. But, lest the devil that guides him should aid<br/> - him, I will search impossible places. Though what I am I<br/> - cannot avoid, yet to be what I would not shall not make<br/> - me tame. If I have horns to make one mad, let the proverb<br/> - go with me-I'll be horn mad. Exit<br/> -</p> - -<h4>ACT IV. SCENE I.</h4> - -<p>Windsor. A street</p> - -<p>Enter MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS QUICKLY, and WILLIAM</p> - -<p> MRS. PAGE. Is he at Master Ford's already, think'st thou?<br/> - QUICKLY. Sure he is by this; or will be presently; but truly<br/> - he is very courageous mad about his throwing into the<br/> - water. Mistress Ford desires you to come suddenly.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. I'll be with her by and by; I'll but bring my<br/> - young man here to school. Look where his master comes;<br/> - 'tis a playing day, I see.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter SIR HUGH EVANS</p> - -<p> How now, Sir Hugh, no school to-day?<br/> - EVANS. No; Master Slender is let the boys leave to play.<br/> - QUICKLY. Blessing of his heart!<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Sir Hugh, my husband says my son profits<br/> - nothing in the world at his book; I pray you ask him some<br/> - questions in his accidence.<br/> - EVANS. Come hither, William; hold up your head; come.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Come on, sirrah; hold up your head; answer your<br/> - master; be not afraid.<br/> - EVANS. William, how many numbers is in nouns?<br/> - WILLIAM. Two.<br/> - QUICKLY. Truly, I thought there had been one number<br/> - more, because they say 'Od's nouns.'<br/> - EVANS. Peace your tattlings. What is 'fair,' William?<br/> - WILLIAM. Pulcher.<br/> - QUICKLY. Polecats! There are fairer things than polecats,<br/> - sure.<br/> - EVANS. You are a very simplicity oman; I pray you, peace.<br/> - What is 'lapis,' William?<br/> - WILLIAM. A stone.<br/> - EVANS. And what is 'a stone,' William?<br/> - WILLIAM. A pebble.<br/> - EVANS. No, it is 'lapis'; I pray you remember in your prain.<br/> - WILLIAM. Lapis.<br/> - EVANS. That is a good William. What is he, William, that<br/> - does lend articles?<br/> - WILLIAM. Articles are borrowed of the pronoun, and be<br/> - thus declined: Singulariter, nominativo; hic, haec, hoc.<br/> - EVANS. Nominativo, hig, hag, hog; pray you, mark: genitivo,<br/> - hujus. Well, what is your accusative case?<br/> - WILLIAM. Accusativo, hinc.<br/> - EVANS. I pray you, have your remembrance, child.<br/> - Accusativo, hung, hang, hog.<br/> - QUICKLY. 'Hang-hog' is Latin for bacon, I warrant you.<br/> - EVANS. Leave your prabbles, oman. What is the focative<br/> - case, William?<br/> - WILLIAM. O-vocativo, O.<br/> - EVANS. Remember, William: focative is caret.<br/> - QUICKLY. And that's a good root.<br/> - EVANS. Oman, forbear.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Peace.<br/> - EVANS. What is your genitive case plural, William?<br/> - WILLIAM. Genitive case?<br/> - EVANS. Ay.<br/> - WILLIAM. Genitive: horum, harum, horum.<br/> - QUICKLY. Vengeance of Jenny's case; fie on her! Never<br/> - name her, child, if she be a whore.<br/> - EVANS. For shame, oman.<br/> - QUICKLY. YOU do ill to teach the child such words. He<br/> - teaches him to hick and to hack, which they'll do fast<br/> - enough of themselves; and to call 'horum'; fie upon you!<br/> - EVANS. Oman, art thou lunatics? Hast thou no understandings<br/> - for thy cases, and the numbers of the genders? Thou<br/> - art as foolish Christian creatures as I would desires.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Prithee hold thy peace.<br/> - EVANS. Show me now, William, some declensions of your<br/> - pronouns.<br/> - WILLIAM. Forsooth, I have forgot.<br/> - EVANS. It is qui, quae, quod; if you forget your qui's, your<br/> - quae's, and your quod's, you must be preeches. Go your<br/> - ways and play; go.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. He is a better scholar than I thought he was.<br/> - EVANS. He is a good sprag memory. Farewell, Mistress Page.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Adieu, good Sir Hugh. Exit SIR HUGH<br/> - Get you home, boy. Come, we stay too long. Exeunt<br/> -</p> - -<h4>SCENE 2.</h4> - -<p>FORD'S house</p> - -<p>Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS FORD</p> - -<p> FALSTAFF. Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my<br/> - sufferance. I see you are obsequious in your love, and I<br/> - profess requital to a hair's breadth; not only, Mistress Ford, in<br/> - the simple office of love, but in all the accoutrement,<br/> - complement, and ceremony of it. But are you sure of your<br/> - husband now?<br/> - MRS. FORD. He's a-birding, sweet Sir John.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. [Within] What hoa, gossip Ford, what hoa!<br/> - MRS. FORD. Step into th' chamber, Sir John. Exit FALSTAFF<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter MISTRESS PAGE</p> - -<p> MRS. PAGE. How now, sweetheart, who's at home besides<br/> - yourself?<br/> - MRS. FORD. Why, none but mine own people.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Indeed?<br/> - MRS. FORD. No, certainly. [Aside to her] Speak louder.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here.<br/> - MRS. FORD. Why?<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Why, woman, your husband is in his old lunes<br/> - again. He so takes on yonder with my husband; so rails<br/> - against all married mankind; so curses an Eve's daughters,<br/> - of what complexion soever; and so buffets himself on the<br/> - forehead, crying 'Peer-out, peer-out!' that any madness I<br/> - ever yet beheld seem'd but tameness, civility, and patience,<br/> - to this his distemper he is in now. I am glad the fat knight<br/> - is not here.<br/> - MRS. FORD. Why, does he talk of him?<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Of none but him; and swears he was carried out,<br/> - the last time he search'd for him, in a basket; protests to<br/> - my husband he is now here; and hath drawn him and the<br/> - rest of their company from their sport, to make another<br/> - experiment of his suspicion. But I am glad the knight is not<br/> - here; now he shall see his own foolery.<br/> - MRS. FORD. How near is he, Mistress Page?<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Hard by, at street end; he will be here anon.<br/> - MRS. FORD. I am undone: the knight is here.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Why, then, you are utterly sham'd, and he's but<br/> - a dead man. What a woman are you! Away with him,<br/> - away with him; better shame than murder.<br/> - MRS. FORD. Which way should he go? How should I bestow<br/> - him? Shall I put him into the basket again?<br/> -</p> - -<p> Re-enter FALSTAFF</p> - -<p> FALSTAFF. No, I'll come no more i' th' basket. May I not go<br/> - out ere he come?<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Alas, three of Master Ford's brothers watch the<br/> - door with pistols, that none shall issue out; otherwise you<br/> - might slip away ere he came. But what make you here?<br/> - FALSTAFF. What shall I do? I'll creep up into the chimney.<br/> - MRS. FORD. There they always use to discharge their<br/> - birding-pieces.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Creep into the kiln-hole.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Where is it?<br/> - MRS. FORD. He will seek there, on my word. Neither press,<br/> - coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath an abstract for<br/> - the remembrance of such places, and goes to them by his<br/> - note. There is no hiding you in the house.<br/> - FALSTAFF. I'll go out then.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. If you go out in your own semblance, you die,<br/> - Sir John. Unless you go out disguis'd.<br/> - MRS. FORD. How might we disguise him?<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Alas the day, I know not! There is no woman's<br/> - gown big enough for him; otherwise he might put on a<br/> - hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and so escape.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Good hearts, devise something; any extremity<br/> - rather than a mischief.<br/> - MRS. FORD. My Maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brainford, has<br/> - a gown above.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. On my word, it will serve him; she's as big as he<br/> - is; and there's her thrumm'd hat, and her muffler too. Run<br/> - up, Sir John.<br/> - MRS. FORD. Go, go, sweet Sir John. Mistress Page and I will<br/> - look some linen for your head.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Quick, quick; we'll come dress you straight. Put<br/> - on the gown the while. Exit FALSTAFF<br/> - MRS. FORD. I would my husband would meet him in this<br/> - shape; he cannot abide the old woman of Brainford; he<br/> - swears she's a witch, forbade her my house, and hath<br/> - threat'ned to beat her.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Heaven guide him to thy husband's cudgel; and<br/> - the devil guide his cudgel afterwards!<br/> - MRS. FORD. But is my husband coming?<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Ay, in good sadness is he; and talks of the basket<br/> - too, howsoever he hath had intelligence.<br/> - MRS. FORD. We'll try that; for I'll appoint my men to carry<br/> - the basket again, to meet him at the door with it as they<br/> - did last time.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Nay, but he'll be here presently; let's go dress<br/> - him like the witch of Brainford.<br/> - MRS. FORD. I'll first direct my men what they shall do with<br/> - the basket. Go up; I'll bring linen for him straight. Exit<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Hang him, dishonest varlet! we cannot misuse<br/> - him enough.<br/> - We'll leave a proof, by that which we will do,<br/> - Wives may be merry and yet honest too.<br/> - We do not act that often jest and laugh;<br/> - 'Tis old but true: Still swine eats all the draff. Exit<br/> -</p> - -<p> Re-enter MISTRESS FORD, with two SERVANTS</p> - -<p> MRS. FORD. Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders;<br/> - your master is hard at door; if he bid you set it down, obey<br/> - him; quickly, dispatch. Exit<br/> - FIRST SERVANT. Come, come, take it up.<br/> - SECOND SERVANT. Pray heaven it be not full of knight again.<br/> - FIRST SERVANT. I hope not; I had lief as bear so much lead.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS</p> - -<p> FORD. Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you any<br/> - way then to unfool me again? Set down the basket, villain!<br/> - Somebody call my wife. Youth in a basket! O you panderly<br/> - rascals, there's a knot, a ging, a pack, a conspiracy<br/> - against me. Now shall the devil be sham'd. What, wife, I<br/> - say! Come, come forth; behold what honest clothes you<br/> - send forth to bleaching.<br/> - PAGE. Why, this passes, Master Ford; you are not to go loose<br/> - any longer; you must be pinion'd.<br/> - EVANS. Why, this is lunatics. This is mad as a mad dog.<br/> - SHALLOW. Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed.<br/> - FORD. So say I too, sir.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Re-enter MISTRESS FORD</p> - -<p> Come hither, Mistress Ford; Mistress Ford, the honest<br/> - woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature, that hath<br/> - the jealous fool to her husband! I suspect without cause,<br/> - Mistress, do I?<br/> - MRS. FORD. Heaven be my witness, you do, if you suspect<br/> - me in any dishonesty.<br/> - FORD. Well said, brazen-face; hold it out. Come forth, sirrah.<br/> - [Pulling clothes out of the basket]<br/> - PAGE. This passes!<br/> - MRS. FORD. Are you not asham'd? Let the clothes alone.<br/> - FORD. I shall find you anon.<br/> - EVANS. 'Tis unreasonable. Will you take up your wife's<br/> - clothes? Come away.<br/> - FORD. Empty the basket, I say.<br/> - MRS. FORD. Why, man, why?<br/> - FORD. Master Page, as I am a man, there was one convey'd<br/> - out of my house yesterday in this basket. Why may not<br/> - he be there again? In my house I am sure he is; my<br/> - intelligence is true; my jealousy is reasonable.<br/> - Pluck me out all the linen.<br/> - MRS. FORD. If you find a man there, he shall die a flea's<br/> - death.<br/> - PAGE. Here's no man.<br/> - SHALLOW. By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford; this<br/> - wrongs you.<br/> - EVANS. Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the<br/> - imaginations of your own heart; this is jealousies.<br/> - FORD. Well, he's not here I seek for.<br/> - PAGE. No, nor nowhere else but in your brain.<br/> - FORD. Help to search my house this one time. If I find not<br/> - what I seek, show no colour for my extremity; let me for<br/> - ever be your table sport; let them say of me 'As jealous as<br/> - Ford, that search'd a hollow walnut for his wife's leman.'<br/> - Satisfy me once more; once more search with me.<br/> - MRS. FORD. What, hoa, Mistress Page! Come you and the old<br/> - woman down; my husband will come into the chamber.<br/> - FORD. Old woman? what old woman's that?<br/> - MRS. FORD. Why, it is my maid's aunt of Brainford.<br/> - FORD. A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have I not<br/> - forbid her my house? She comes of errands, does she? We<br/> - are simple men; we do not know what's brought to pass<br/> - under the profession of fortune-telling. She works by<br/> - charms, by spells, by th' figure, and such daub'ry as this<br/> - is, beyond our element. We know nothing. Come down, you<br/> - witch, you hag you; come down, I say.<br/> - MRS. FORD. Nay, good sweet husband! Good gentlemen, let<br/> - him not strike the old woman.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Re-enter FALSTAFF in woman's clothes, and MISTRESS PAGE</p> - -<p> MRS. PAGE. Come, Mother Prat; come. give me your hand.<br/> - FORD. I'll prat her. [Beating him] Out of my door, you<br/> - witch, you hag, you. baggage, you polecat, you ronyon!<br/> - Out, out! I'll conjure you, I'll fortune-tell you.<br/> - Exit FALSTAFF<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Are you not asham'd? I think you have kill'd the<br/> - poor woman.<br/> - MRS. FORD. Nay, he will do it. 'Tis a goodly credit for you.<br/> - FORD. Hang her, witch!<br/> - EVANS. By yea and no, I think the oman is a witch indeed; I<br/> - like not when a oman has a great peard; I spy a great peard<br/> - under his muffler.<br/> - FORD. Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you follow;<br/> - see but the issue of my jealousy; if I cry out thus upon no<br/> - trail, never trust me when I open again.<br/> - PAGE. Let's obey his humour a little further. Come,<br/> - gentlemen. Exeunt all but MRS. FORD and MRS. PAGE<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.<br/> - MRS. FORD. Nay, by th' mass, that he did not; he beat him<br/> - most unpitifully methought.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. I'll have the cudgel hallow'd and hung o'er the<br/> - altar; it hath done meritorious service.<br/> - MRS. FORD. What think you? May we, with the warrant of<br/> - womanhood and the witness of a good conscience, pursue<br/> - him with any further revenge?<br/> - MRS. PAGE. The spirit of wantonness is sure scar'd out of<br/> - him; if the devil have him not in fee-simple, with fine and<br/> - recovery, he will never, I think, in the way of waste,<br/> - attempt us again.<br/> - MRS. FORD. Shall we tell our husbands how we have serv'd<br/> - him?<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Yes, by all means; if it be but to scrape the<br/> - figures out of your husband's brains. If they can find in their<br/> - hearts the poor unvirtuous fat knight shall be any further<br/> - afflicted, we two will still be the ministers.<br/> - MRS. FORD. I'll warrant they'll have him publicly sham'd;<br/> - and methinks there would be no period to the jest, should<br/> - he not be publicly sham'd.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Come, to the forge with it then; shape it. I<br/> - would not have things cool. Exeunt<br/> -</p> - -<h4>SCENE 3.</h4> - -<p>The Garter Inn</p> - -<p>Enter HOST and BARDOLPH</p> - -<p> BARDOLPH. Sir, the Germans desire to have three of your<br/> - horses; the Duke himself will be to-morrow at court, and<br/> - they are going to meet him.<br/> - HOST. What duke should that be comes so secretly? I hear<br/> - not of him in the court. Let me speak with the gentlemen;<br/> - they speak English?<br/> - BARDOLPH. Ay, sir; I'll call them to you.<br/> - HOST. They shall have my horses, but I'll make them pay;<br/> - I'll sauce them; they have had my house a week at<br/> - command; I have turn'd away my other guests. They must<br/> - come off; I'll sauce them. Come. Exeunt<br/> -</p> - -<h4>SCENE 4</h4> - -<p>FORD'S house</p> - -<p>Enter PAGE, FORD, MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and SIR HUGH EVANS</p> - -<p> EVANS. 'Tis one of the best discretions of a oman as ever<br/> - did look upon.<br/> - PAGE. And did he send you both these letters at an instant?<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Within a quarter of an hour.<br/> - FORD. Pardon me, wife. Henceforth, do what thou wilt;<br/> - I rather will suspect the sun with cold<br/> - Than thee with wantonness. Now doth thy honour stand,<br/> - In him that was of late an heretic,<br/> - As firm as faith.<br/> - PAGE. 'Tis well, 'tis well; no more.<br/> - Be not as extreme in submission as in offence;<br/> - But let our plot go forward. Let our wives<br/> - Yet once again, to make us public sport,<br/> - Appoint a meeting with this old fat fellow,<br/> - Where we may take him and disgrace him for it.<br/> - FORD. There is no better way than that they spoke of.<br/> - PAGE. How? To send him word they'll meet him in the Park<br/> - at midnight? Fie, fie! he'll never come!<br/> - EVANS. You say he has been thrown in the rivers; and has<br/> - been grievously peaten as an old oman; methinks there<br/> - should be terrors in him, that he should not come;<br/> - methinks his flesh is punish'd; he shall have no desires.<br/> - PAGE. So think I too.<br/> - MRS. FORD. Devise but how you'll use him when he comes,<br/> - And let us two devise to bring him thither.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. There is an old tale goes that Heme the Hunter,<br/> - Sometime a keeper here in Windsor Forest,<br/> - Doth all the winter-time, at still midnight,<br/> - Walk round about an oak, with great ragg'd horns;<br/> - And there he blasts the tree, and takes the cattle,<br/> - And makes milch-kine yield blood, and shakes a chain<br/> - In a most hideous and dreadful manner.<br/> - You have heard of such a spirit, and well you know<br/> - The superstitious idle-headed eld<br/> - Receiv'd, and did deliver to our age,<br/> - This tale of Heme the Hunter for a truth.<br/> - PAGE. Why yet there want not many that do fear<br/> - In deep of night to walk by this Herne's oak.<br/> - But what of this?<br/> - MRS. FORD. Marry, this is our device-<br/> - That Falstaff at that oak shall meet with us,<br/> - Disguis'd, like Heme, with huge horns on his head.<br/> - PAGE. Well, let it not be doubted but he'll come,<br/> - And in this shape. When you have brought him thither,<br/> - What shall be done with him? What is your plot?<br/> - MRS. PAGE. That likewise have we thought upon, and<br/> - thus:<br/> - Nan Page my daughter, and my little son,<br/> - And three or four more of their growth, we'll dress<br/> - Like urchins, ouphes, and fairies, green and white,<br/> - With rounds of waxen tapers on their heads,<br/> - And rattles in their hands; upon a sudden,<br/> - As Falstaff, she, and I, are newly met,<br/> - Let them from forth a sawpit rush at once<br/> - With some diffused song; upon their sight<br/> - We two in great amazedness will fly.<br/> - Then let them all encircle him about,<br/> - And fairy-like, to pinch the unclean knight;<br/> - And ask him why, that hour of fairy revel,<br/> - In their so sacred paths he dares to tread<br/> - In shape profane.<br/> - MRS. FORD. And till he tell the truth,<br/> - Let the supposed fairies pinch him sound,<br/> - And burn him with their tapers.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. The truth being known,<br/> - We'll all present ourselves; dis-horn the spirit,<br/> - And mock him home to Windsor.<br/> - FORD. The children must<br/> - Be practis'd well to this or they'll nev'r do 't.<br/> - EVANS. I will teach the children their behaviours; and I will<br/> - be like a jack-an-apes also, to burn the knight with my<br/> - taber.<br/> - FORD. That will be excellent. I'll go buy them vizards.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. My Nan shall be the Queen of all the Fairies,<br/> - Finely attired in a robe of white.<br/> - PAGE. That silk will I go buy. [Aside] And in that time<br/> - Shall Master Slender steal my Nan away,<br/> - And marry her at Eton.-Go, send to Falstaff straight.<br/> - FORD. Nay, I'll to him again, in name of Brook;<br/> - He'll tell me all his purpose. Sure, he'll come.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Fear not you that. Go get us properties<br/> - And tricking for our fairies.<br/> - EVANS. Let us about it. It is admirable pleasures, and fery<br/> - honest knaveries. Exeunt PAGE, FORD, and EVANS<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Go, Mistress Ford.<br/> - Send Quickly to Sir John to know his mind.<br/> - Exit MRS. FORD<br/> - I'll to the Doctor; he hath my good will,<br/> - And none but he, to marry with Nan Page.<br/> - That Slender, though well landed, is an idiot;<br/> - And he my husband best of all affects.<br/> - The Doctor is well money'd, and his friends<br/> - Potent at court; he, none but he, shall have her,<br/> - Though twenty thousand worthier come to crave her. Exit<br/> -</p> - -<h4>SCENE 5.</h4> - -<p>The Garter Inn</p> - -<p>Enter HOST and SIMPLE</p> - -<p> HOST. What wouldst thou have, boor? What, thick-skin?<br/> - Speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick, snap.<br/> - SIMPLE. Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff<br/> - from Master Slender.<br/> - HOST. There's his chamber, his house, his castle, his<br/> - standing-bed and truckle-bed; 'tis painted about with the<br/> - story of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Go, knock and can; he'll<br/> - speak like an Anthropophaginian unto thee. Knock, I say.<br/> - SIMPLE. There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into<br/> - his chamber; I'll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come down;<br/> - I come to speak with her, indeed.<br/> - HOST. Ha! a fat woman? The knight may be robb'd. I'll call.<br/> - Bully knight! Bully Sir John! Speak from thy lungs<br/> - military. Art thou there? It is thine host, thine Ephesian, calls.<br/> - FALSTAFF. [Above] How now, mine host?<br/> - HOST. Here's a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down of<br/> - thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let her descend;<br/> - my chambers are honourible. Fie, privacy, fie!<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter FALSTAFF</p> - -<p> FALSTAFF. There was, mine host, an old fat woman even<br/> - now with, me; but she's gone.<br/> - SIMPLE. Pray you, sir, was't not the wise woman of<br/> - Brainford?<br/> - FALSTAFF. Ay, marry was it, mussel-shell. What would you<br/> - with her?<br/> - SIMPLE. My master, sir, my Master Slender, sent to her,<br/> - seeing her go thorough the streets, to know, sir, whether one<br/> - Nym, sir, that beguil'd him of a chain, had the chain or no.<br/> - FALSTAFF. I spake with the old woman about it.<br/> - SIMPLE. And what says she, I pray, sir?<br/> - FALSTAFF Marry, she says that the very same man that<br/> - beguil'd Master Slender of his chain cozen'd him of it.<br/> - SIMPLE. I would I could have spoken with the woman<br/> - herself; I had other things to have spoken with her too,<br/> - from him.<br/> - FALSTAFF. What are they? Let us know.<br/> - HOST. Ay, come; quick.<br/> - SIMPLE. I may not conceal them, sir.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Conceal them, or thou diest.<br/> - SIMPLE. Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress<br/> - Anne Page: to know if it were my master's fortune to<br/> - have her or no.<br/> - FALSTAFF. 'Tis, 'tis his fortune.<br/> - SIMPLE. What sir?<br/> - FALSTAFF. To have her, or no. Go; say the woman told me<br/> - so.<br/> - SIMPLE. May I be bold to say so, sir?<br/> - FALSTAFF. Ay, sir, like who more bold?<br/> - SIMPLE., I thank your worship; I shall make my master glad<br/> - with these tidings. Exit SIMPLE<br/> - HOST. Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was<br/> - there a wise woman with thee?<br/> - FALSTAFF. Ay, that there was, mine host; one that hath<br/> - taught me more wit than ever I learn'd before in my life;<br/> - and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for my<br/> - learning.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter BARDOLPH</p> - -<p> BARDOLPH. Out, alas, sir, cozenage, mere cozenage!<br/> - HOST. Where be my horses? Speak well of them, varletto.<br/> - BARDOLPH. Run away with the cozeners; for so soon as I<br/> - came beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind one of<br/> - them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs and away, like<br/> - three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses.<br/> - HOST. They are gone but to meet the Duke, villain; do not<br/> - say they be fled. Germans are honest men.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter SIR HUGH EVANS</p> - -<p> EVANS. Where is mine host?<br/> - HOST. What is the matter, sir?<br/> - EVANS. Have a care of your entertainments. There is a friend<br/> - of mine come to town tells me there is three<br/> - cozen-germans that has cozen'd all the hosts of Readins,<br/> - of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and money. I tell you for<br/> - good will, look you; you are wise, and full of gibes and<br/> - vlouting-stogs, and 'tis not convenient you should be<br/> - cozened. Fare you well. Exit<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter DOCTOR CAIUS</p> - -<p> CAIUS. Vere is mine host de Jarteer?<br/> - HOST. Here, Master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful<br/> - dilemma.<br/> - CAIUS. I cannot tell vat is dat; but it is tell-a me dat you<br/> - make grand preparation for a Duke de Jamany. By my<br/> - trot, dere is no duke that the court is know to come; I<br/> - tell you for good will. Adieu. Exit<br/> - HOST. Hue and cry, villain, go! Assist me, knight; I am<br/> - undone. Fly, run, hue and cry, villain; I am undone.<br/> - Exeunt HOST and BARDOLPH<br/> - FALSTAFF. I would all the world might be cozen'd, for I have<br/> - been cozen'd and beaten too. If it should come to the car<br/> - of the court how I have been transformed, and how my<br/> - transformation hath been wash'd and cudgell'd, they<br/> - would melt me out of my fat, drop by drop, and liquor<br/> - fishermen's boots with me; I warrant they would whip me<br/> - with their fine wits till I were as crestfall'n as a dried pear.<br/> - I never prosper'd since I forswore myself at primero. Well,<br/> - if my wind were but long enough to say my prayers,<br/> - would repent.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY</p> - -<p> Now! whence come you?<br/> - QUICKLY. From the two parties, forsooth.<br/> - FALSTAFF. The devil take one party and his dam the other!<br/> - And so they shall be both bestowed. I have suffer'd more<br/> - for their sakes, more than the villainous inconstancy of<br/> - man's disposition is able to bear.<br/> - QUICKLY. And have not they suffer'd? Yes, I warrant;<br/> - speciously one of them; Mistress Ford, good heart, is beaten<br/> - black and blue, that you cannot see a white spot about her.<br/> - FALSTAFF. What tell'st thou me of black and blue? I was<br/> - beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow; and<br/> - was like to be apprehended for the witch of Brainford. But<br/> - that my admirable dexterity of wit, my counterfeiting the<br/> - action of an old woman, deliver'd me, the knave constable<br/> - had set me i' th' stocks, i' th' common stocks, for a witch.<br/> - QUICKLY. Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber; you<br/> - shall hear how things go, and, I warrant, to your content.<br/> - Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good hearts, what ado<br/> - here is to bring you together! Sure, one of you does not<br/> - serve heaven well, that you are so cross'd.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Come up into my chamber. Exeunt<br/> -</p> - -<h4>SCENE 6.</h4> - -<p>The Garter Inn</p> - -<p>Enter FENTON and HOST</p> - -<p> HOST. Master Fenton, talk not to me; my mind is heavy; I<br/> - will give over all.<br/> - FENTON. Yet hear me speak. Assist me in my purpose,<br/> - And, as I am a gentleman, I'll give the<br/> - A hundred pound in gold more than your loss.<br/> - HOST. I will hear you, Master Fenton; and I will, at the least,<br/> - keep your counsel.<br/> - FENTON. From time to time I have acquainted you<br/> - With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page;<br/> - Who, mutually, hath answer'd my affection,<br/> - So far forth as herself might be her chooser,<br/> - Even to my wish. I have a letter from her<br/> - Of such contents as you will wonder at;<br/> - The mirth whereof so larded with my matter<br/> - That neither, singly, can be manifested<br/> - Without the show of both. Fat Falstaff<br/> - Hath a great scene. The image of the jest<br/> - I'll show you here at large. Hark, good mine host:<br/> - To-night at Heme's oak, just 'twixt twelve and one,<br/> - Must my sweet Nan present the Fairy Queen-<br/> - The purpose why is here-in which disguise,<br/> - While other jests are something rank on foot,<br/> - Her father hath commanded her to slip<br/> - Away with Slender, and with him at Eton<br/> - Immediately to marry; she hath consented.<br/> - Now, sir,<br/> - Her mother, even strong against that match<br/> - And firm for Doctor Caius, hath appointed<br/> - That he shall likewise shuffle her away<br/> - While other sports are tasking of their minds,<br/> - And at the dean'ry, where a priest attends,<br/> - Straight marry her. To this her mother's plot<br/> - She seemingly obedient likewise hath<br/> - Made promise to the doctor. Now thus it rests:<br/> - Her father means she shall be all in white;<br/> - And in that habit, when Slender sees his time<br/> - To take her by the hand and bid her go,<br/> - She shall go with him; her mother hath intended<br/> - The better to denote her to the doctor-<br/> - For they must all be mask'd and vizarded-<br/> - That quaint in green she shall be loose enrob'd,<br/> - With ribands pendent, flaring 'bout her head;<br/> - And when the doctor spies his vantage ripe,<br/> - To pinch her by the hand, and, on that token,<br/> - The maid hath given consent to go with him.<br/> - HOST. Which means she to deceive, father or mother?<br/> - FENTON. Both, my good host, to go along with me.<br/> - And here it rests-that you'll procure the vicar<br/> - To stay for me at church, 'twixt twelve and one,<br/> - And in the lawful name of marrying,<br/> - To give our hearts united ceremony.<br/> - HOST. Well, husband your device; I'll to the vicar.<br/> - Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest.<br/> - FENTON. So shall I evermore be bound to thee;<br/> - Besides, I'll make a present recompense. Exeunt<br/> -</p> - -<h4>ACT V. SCENE 1.</h4> - -<p>The Garter Inn</p> - -<p>Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS QUICKLY</p> - -<p> FALSTAFF. Prithee, no more prattling; go. I'll, hold. This is<br/> - the third time; I hope good luck lies in odd numbers.<br/> - Away, go; they say there is divinity in odd numbers, either<br/> - in nativity, chance, or death. Away.<br/> - QUICKLY. I'll provide you a chain, and I'll do what I can to<br/> - get you a pair of horns.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Away, I say; time wears; hold up your head, and<br/> - mince. Exit MRS. QUICKLY<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter FORD disguised</p> - -<p> How now, Master Brook. Master Brook, the matter will<br/> - be known tonight or never. Be you in the Park about<br/> - midnight, at Herne's oak, and you shall see wonders.<br/> - FORD. Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as you told me<br/> - you had appointed?<br/> - FALSTAFF. I went to her, Master Brook, as you see, like a<br/> - poor old man; but I came from her, Master Brook, like a<br/> - poor old woman. That same knave Ford, her husband, hath<br/> - the finest mad devil of jealousy in him, Master Brook, that<br/> - ever govern'd frenzy. I will tell you-he beat me grievously<br/> - in the shape of a woman; for in the shape of man, Master<br/> - Brook, I fear not Goliath with a weaver's beam; because<br/> - I know also life is a shuttle. I am in haste; go along with<br/> - me; I'll. tell you all, Master Brook. Since I pluck'd geese,<br/> - play'd truant, and whipp'd top, I knew not what 'twas to<br/> - be beaten till lately. Follow me. I'll tell you strange things<br/> - of this knave-Ford, on whom to-night I will be revenged,<br/> - and I will deliver his wife into your hand. Follow. Strange<br/> - things in hand, Master Brook! Follow. Exeunt<br/> -</p> - -<h4>SCENE 2.</h4> - -<p>Windsor Park</p> - -<p>Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER</p> - -<p> PAGE. Come, come; we'll couch i' th' Castle ditch till we<br/> - see the light of our fairies. Remember, son Slender, my daughter.<br/> - SLENDER. Ay, forsooth; I have spoke with her, and we have<br/> - a nay-word how to know one another. I come to her in<br/> - white and cry 'mum'; she cries 'budget,' and by that we<br/> - know one another.<br/> - SHALLOW. That's good too; but what needs either your mum<br/> - or her budget? The white will decipher her well enough.<br/> - It hath struck ten o'clock.<br/> - PAGE. The night is dark; light and spirits will become it well.<br/> - Heaven prosper our sport! No man means evil but the<br/> - devil, and we shall know him by his horns. Let's away;<br/> - follow me. Exeunt<br/> -</p> - -<h4>SCENE 3.</h4> - -<p>A street leading to the Park</p> - -<p>Enter MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and DOCTOR CAIUS</p> - -<p> MRS. PAGE. Master Doctor, my daughter is in green; when<br/> - you see your time, take her by the hand, away with her to<br/> - the deanery, and dispatch it quickly. Go before into the<br/> - Park; we two must go together.<br/> - CAIUS. I know vat I have to do; adieu.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Fare you well, sir. [Exit CAIUS] My husband<br/> - will not rejoice so much at the abuse of Falstaff as he will<br/> - chafe at the doctor's marrying my daughter; but 'tis no<br/> - matter; better a little chiding than a great deal of<br/> - heartbreak.<br/> - MRS. FORD. Where is Nan now, and her troop of fairies, and<br/> - the Welsh devil, Hugh?<br/> - MRS. PAGE. They are all couch'd in a pit hard by Heme's<br/> - oak, with obscur'd lights; which, at the very instant of<br/> - Falstaff's and our meeting, they will at once display to the<br/> - night.<br/> - MRS. FORD. That cannot choose but amaze him.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. If he be not amaz'd, he will be mock'd; if he be<br/> - amaz'd, he will every way be mock'd.<br/> - MRS. FORD. We'll betray him finely.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Against such lewdsters and their lechery,<br/> - Those that betray them do no treachery.<br/> - MRS. FORD. The hour draws on. To the oak, to the oak!<br/> - Exeunt<br/> +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +Sir Hugh, persuade me not; I will make a Star Chamber matter of it; if he were +twenty Sir John Falstaffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, esquire. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +In the county of Gloucester, Justice of Peace, and “coram.” +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +Ay, cousin Slender, and “cust-alorum.” +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +Ay, and “rato-lorum” too; and a gentleman born, Master Parson, who writes +himself “armigero” in any bill, warrant, quittance, or obligation—“armigero.” +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +Ay, that I do; and have done anytime these three hundred years. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +All his successors, gone before him, hath done’t; and all his ancestors, that +come after him, may: they may give the dozen white luces in their coat. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +It is an old coat. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +The dozen white louses do become an old coat well; it agrees well, passant; it +is a familiar beast to man, and signifies love. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +The luce is the fresh fish; the salt fish is an old coat. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +I may quarter, coz? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +You may, by marrying. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +It is marring indeed, if he quarter it. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +Not a whit. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Yes, py’r lady! If he has a quarter of your coat, there is but three skirts for +yourself, in my simple conjectures; but that is all one. If Sir John Falstaff +have committed disparagements unto you, I am of the church, and will be glad to +do my benevolence to make atonements and compremises between you. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +The Council shall hear it; it is a riot. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +It is not meet the Council hear a riot; there is no fear of Got in a riot; the +Council, look you, shall desire to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear a +riot; take your vizaments in that. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +Ha! o’ my life, if I were young again, the sword should end it. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +It is petter that friends is the sword and end it; and there is also another +device in my prain, which peradventure prings goot discretions with it. There +is Anne Page, which is daughter to Master George Page, which is pretty +virginity. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and speaks small like a woman. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +It is that fery person for all the orld, as just as you will desire; and seven +hundred pounds of moneys, and gold, and silver, is her grandsire upon his +death’s-bed—Got deliver to a joyful resurrections!—give, when she is able to +overtake seventeen years old. It were a goot motion if we leave our pribbles +and prabbles, and desire a marriage between Master Abraham and Mistress Anne +Page. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred pound? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Ay, and her father is make her a petter penny. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +I know the young gentlewoman; she has good gifts. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Seven hundred pounds, and possibilities, is goot gifts. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff there? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I do despise one that is false; +or as I despise one that is not true. The knight Sir John is there; and, I +beseech you, be ruled by your well-willers. I will peat the door for Master +Page. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Knocks.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +What, hoa! Got pless your house here! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +[<i>Within</i>.] Who’s there? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Here is Got’s plessing, and your friend, and Justice Shallow; and here young +Master Slender, that peradventures shall tell you another tale, if matters grow +to your likings. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Page</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +I am glad to see your worships well. I thank you for my venison, Master +Shallow. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +Master Page, I am glad to see you; much good do it your good heart! I wished +your venison better; it was ill killed. How doth good Mistress Page?—and I +thank you always with my heart, la! with my heart. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Sir, I thank you. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +I am glad to see you, good Master Slender. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard say he was outrun on Cotsall. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +It could not be judged, sir. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +You’ll not confess, you’ll not confess. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +That he will not: ’tis your fault; ’tis your fault. ’Tis a good dog. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +A cur, sir. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +Sir, he’s a good dog, and a fair dog; can there be more said? he is good, and +fair. Is Sir John Falstaff here? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a good office between you. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +He hath wronged me, Master Page. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Sir, he doth in some sort confess it. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +If it be confessed, it is not redressed: is not that so, Master Page? He hath +wronged me; indeed he hath;—at a word, he hath,—believe me; Robert Shallow, +esquire, saith he is wronged. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Here comes Sir John. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Sir John Falstaff, Bardolph, Nym</span> and +<span class="charname">Pistol</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Now, Master Shallow, you’ll complain of me to the King? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my deer, and broke open my lodge. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +But not kiss’d your keeper’s daughter? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +Tut, a pin! this shall be answered. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +I will answer it straight: I have done all this. That is now answered. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +The Council shall know this. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +’Twere better for you if it were known in counsel: you’ll be laughed at. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Pauca verba, Sir John; goot worts. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Good worts! good cabbage! Slender, I broke your head; what matter have you +against me? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you; and against your +cony-catching rascals, Bardolph, Nym, and Pistol. They carried me to the +tavern, and made me drunk, and afterwards picked my pocket. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +BARDOLPH.<br/> +You Banbury cheese! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +Ay, it is no matter. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PISTOL.<br/> +How now, Mephostophilus! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +Ay, it is no matter. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +NYM.<br/> +Slice, I say! pauca, pauca; slice! That’s my humour. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +Where’s Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand. There is three umpires in this +matter, as I understand: that is—Master Page, fidelicet Master Page; and there +is myself, fidelicet myself; and the three party is, lastly and finally, mine +host of the Garter. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +We three to hear it and end it between them. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Fery goot: I will make a prief of it in my note-book; and we will afterwards +ork upon the cause with as great discreetly as we can. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Pistol! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PISTOL.<br/> +He hears with ears. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +The tevil and his tam! what phrase is this, “He hears with ear”? Why, it is +affectations. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Pistol, did you pick Master Slender’s purse? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +Ay, by these gloves, did he—or I would I might never come in mine own great +chamber again else!—of seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward +shovel-boards that cost me two shilling and two pence a-piece of Yead Miller, +by these gloves. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Is this true, Pistol? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +No, it is false, if it is a pick-purse. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PISTOL.<br/> +Ha, thou mountain-foreigner!—Sir John and master mine,<br/> +I combat challenge of this latten bilbo.<br/> +Word of denial in thy labras here!<br/> +Word of denial! Froth and scum, thou liest. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +By these gloves, then, ’twas he. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +NYM.<br/> +Be avised, sir, and pass good humours; I will say “marry trap” with you, if you +run the nuthook’s humour on me; that is the very note of it. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +By this hat, then, he in the red face had it; for though I cannot remember what +I did when you made me drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +What say you, Scarlet and John? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +BARDOLPH.<br/> +Why, sir, for my part, I say the gentleman had drunk himself out of his five +sentences. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +It is his “five senses”; fie, what the ignorance is! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +BARDOLPH.<br/> +And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashier’d; and so conclusions passed the +careires. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but ’tis no matter; I’ll ne’er be drunk whilst +I live again, but in honest, civil, godly company, for this trick; if I be +drunk, I’ll be drunk with those that have the fear of God, and not with drunken +knaves. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +So Got udge me, that is a virtuous mind. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen; you hear it. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Anne Page</span> with wine; +<span class="charname">Mistress Ford</span> and +<span class="charname">Mistress Page</span> following. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE<br/> +Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we’ll drink within. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Anne Page</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER<br/> +O heaven! this is Mistress Anne Page. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +How now, Mistress Ford! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well met; by your leave, good +mistress. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Kissing her.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have a hot venison pasty to dinner; +come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness. +</p> + +<p class="right"> +[<i>Exeunt all but <span class="charname">Shallow, Slender</span> and +<span class="charname">Evans</span>.</i>] +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +I had rather than forty shillings I had my Book of Songs and Sonnets here. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Simple</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +How, Simple! Where have you been? I must wait on myself, must I? You have not +the Book of Riddles about you, have you? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SIMPLE.<br/> +Book of Riddles! why, did you not lend it to Alice Shortcake upon Allhallowmas +last, a fortnight afore Michaelmas? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you. A word with you, coz; marry, this, coz: +there is, as ’twere, a tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh +here: do you understand me? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be so, I shall do that that is +reason. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +Nay, but understand me. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +So I do, sir. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Give ear to his motions, Master Slender: I will description the matter to you, +if you pe capacity of it. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says; I pray you pardon me; he’s a justice +of peace in his country, simple though I stand here. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +But that is not the question; the question is concerning your marriage. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +Ay, there’s the point, sir. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Marry is it; the very point of it; to Mistress Anne Page. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any reasonable demands. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +But can you affection the ’oman? Let us command to know that of your mouth or +of your lips; for divers philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of the +mouth: therefore, precisely, can you carry your good will to the maid? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one that would do reason. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Nay, Got’s lords and his ladies! you must speak possitable, if you can carry +her your desires towards her. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +That you must. Will you, upon good dowry, marry her? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +I will do a greater thing than that upon your request, cousin, in any reason. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz; what I do is to pleasure you, coz. +Can you love the maid? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +I will marry her, sir, at your request; but if there be no great love in the +beginning, yet heaven may decrease it upon better acquaintance, when we are +married and have more occasion to know one another; I hope upon familiarity +will grow more contempt. But if you say “Marry her,” I will marry her; that I +am freely dissolved, and dissolutely. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +It is a fery discretion answer; save, the fall is in the ort “dissolutely:” the +ort is, according to our meaning, “resolutely.” His meaning is good. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +Ay, I think my cousin meant well. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +Ay, or else I would I might be hanged, la! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +Here comes fair Mistress Anne. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Re-enter <span class="charname">Anne Page</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +Would I were young for your sake, Mistress Anne! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +ANNE.<br/> +The dinner is on the table; my father desires your worships’ company. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Od’s plessed will! I will not be absence at the grace. +</p> + +<p class="right"> +[<i>Exeunt <span class="charname">Shallow</span> and +<span class="charname">Evans</span>.</i>] +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +ANNE<br/> +Will’t please your worship to come in, sir? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very well. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +ANNE.<br/> +The dinner attends you, sir. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. Go, sirrah, for all you are my man, +go wait upon my cousin Shallow. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Simple</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +A justice of peace sometime may be beholding to his friend for a man. I keep +but three men and a boy yet, till my mother be dead. But what though? Yet I +live like a poor gentleman born. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +ANNE.<br/> +I may not go in without your worship: they will not sit till you come. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +I’ faith, I’ll eat nothing; I thank you as much as though I did. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +ANNE.<br/> +I pray you, sir, walk in. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised my shin th’ other day with +playing at sword and dagger with a master of fence; three veneys for a dish of +stewed prunes—and, by my troth, I cannot abide the smell of hot meat since. Why +do your dogs bark so? Be there bears i’ the town? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +ANNE.<br/> +I think there are, sir; I heard them talked of. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +I love the sport well; but I shall as soon quarrel at it as any man in England. +You are afraid, if you see the bear loose, are you not? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +ANNE.<br/> +Ay, indeed, sir. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +That’s meat and drink to me now. I have seen Sackerson loose twenty times, and +have taken him by the chain; but I warrant you, the women have so cried and +shrieked at it that it passed; but women, indeed, cannot abide ’em; they are +very ill-favoured rough things. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Re-enter <span class="charname">Page</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE<br/> +Come, gentle Master Slender, come; we stay for you. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +I’ll eat nothing, I thank you, sir. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! come, come. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +Nay, pray you lead the way. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Come on, sir. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +ANNE.<br/> +Not I, sir; pray you keep on. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +Truly, I will not go first; truly, la! I will not do you that wrong. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +ANNE.<br/> +I pray you, sir. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +I’ll rather be unmannerly than troublesome. You do yourself wrong indeed, la! +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exeunt.</i>]</p> + +<h3><a name="sceneI_23.2"></a><b>SCENE II. The same</b></h3> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Sir Hugh Evans</span> and +<span class="charname">Simple</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius’ house which is the way; and there dwells +one Mistress Quickly, which is in the manner of his nurse, or his dry nurse, or +his cook, or his laundry, his washer, and his wringer. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SIMPLE.<br/> +Well, sir. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Nay, it is petter yet. Give her this letter; for it is a ’oman that +altogether’s acquaintance with Mistress Anne Page; and the letter is to desire +and require her to solicit your master’s desires to Mistress Anne Page. I pray +you be gone: I will make an end of my dinner; there’s pippins and cheese to +come. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exeunt.</i>]</p> + +<h3><a name="sceneI_23.3"></a><b>SCENE III. A room in the Garter Inn</b></h3> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Falstaff, Host, Bardolph, Nym, Pistol</span> and +<span class="charname">Robin</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Mine host of the Garter! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +What says my bully rook? Speak scholarly and wisely. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my followers. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +Discard, bully Hercules; cashier; let them wag; trot, trot. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +I sit at ten pounds a week. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +Thou’rt an emperor, Caesar, Keiser, and Pheazar. I will entertain Bardolph; he +shall draw, he shall tap; said I well, bully Hector? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Do so, good mine host. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +I have spoke; let him follow. [<i>To Bardolph</i>.] Let me see thee froth and +lime. I am at a word; follow. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Host</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF<br/> +Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade; an old cloak makes a new +jerkin; a withered serving-man a fresh tapster. Go; adieu. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +BARDOLPH.<br/> +It is a life that I have desired; I will thrive. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PISTOL.<br/> +O base Hungarian wight! Wilt thou the spigot wield? +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Bardolph</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +NYM<br/> +He was gotten in drink. Is not the humour conceited? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +I am glad I am so acquit of this tinder-box: his thefts were too open; his +filching was like an unskilful singer—he kept not time. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +NYM.<br/> +The good humour is to steal at a minim’s rest. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PISTOL.<br/> +“Convey” the wise it call. “Steal!” foh! A fico for the phrase! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PISTOL.<br/> +Why, then, let kibes ensue. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +There is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must shift. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PISTOL.<br/> +Young ravens must have food. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Which of you know Ford of this town? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PISTOL.<br/> +I ken the wight; he is of substance good. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PISTOL.<br/> +Two yards, and more. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +No quips now, Pistol. Indeed, I am in the waist two yards about; but I am now +about no waste; I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford’s +wife; I spy entertainment in her; she discourses, she carves, she gives the +leer of invitation; I can construe the action of her familiar style; and the +hardest voice of her behaviour, to be Englished rightly, is “I am Sir John +Falstaff’s.” +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PISTOL.<br/> +He hath studied her will, and translated her will out of honesty into English. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +NYM.<br/> +The anchor is deep; will that humour pass? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her husband’s purse; he hath a +legion of angels. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PISTOL.<br/> +As many devils entertain; and “To her, boy,” say I. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +NYM.<br/> +The humour rises; it is good; humour me the angels. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +I have writ me here a letter to her; and here another to Page’s wife, who even +now gave me good eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious oeillades; +sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes my portly belly. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PISTOL.<br/> +Then did the sun on dunghill shine. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +NYM.<br/> +I thank thee for that humour. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +O! she did so course o’er my exteriors with such a greedy intention that the +appetite of her eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass. Here’s +another letter to her: she bears the purse too; she is a region in Guiana, all +gold and bounty. I will be cheator to them both, and they shall be exchequers +to me; they shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to them both. +Go, bear thou this letter to Mistress Page; and thou this to Mistress Ford. We +will thrive, lads, we will thrive. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PISTOL.<br/> +Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,<br/> +And by my side wear steel? then Lucifer take all! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +NYM.<br/> +I will run no base humour. Here, take the humour-letter; I will keep the +haviour of reputation. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +[<i>To Robin</i>.] Hold, sirrah; bear you these letters tightly;<br/> +Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.<br/> +Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go;<br/> +Trudge, plod away o’ hoof; seek shelter, pack!<br/> +Falstaff will learn the humour of this age;<br/> +French thrift, you rogues; myself, and skirted page. +</p> + +<p class="right"> +[<i>Exeunt <span class="charname">Falstaff</span> and +<span class="charname">Robin</span>.</i>] +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PISTOL<br/> +Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam holds,<br/> +And high and low beguile the rich and poor;<br/> +Tester I’ll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,<br/> +Base Phrygian Turk! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +NYM.<br/> +I have operations in my head which be humours of revenge. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PISTOL.<br/> +Wilt thou revenge? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +NYM.<br/> +By welkin and her star! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PISTOL.<br/> +With wit or steel? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +NYM.<br/> +With both the humours, I:<br/> +I will discuss the humour of this love to Page. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PISTOL.<br/> +And I to Ford shall eke unfold<br/> +How Falstaff, varlet vile,<br/> +His dove will prove, his gold will hold,<br/> +And his soft couch defile. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +NYM.<br/> +My humour shall not cool: I will incense Page to deal with poison; I will +possess him with yellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous: that is my +true humour. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PISTOL.<br/> +Thou art the Mars of malcontents; I second thee; troop on. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exeunt.</i>]</p> + +<h3><a name="sceneI_23.4"></a><b>SCENE IV. A room in Doctor Caius’s house</b></h3> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Mistress Quickly</span> and +<span class="charname">Simple</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +What, John Rugby! +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Rugby</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +I pray thee go to the casement, and see if you can see my master, Master Doctor +Caius, coming: if he do, i’ faith, and find anybody in the house, here will be +an old abusing of God’s patience and the King’s English. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +RUGBY.<br/> +I’ll go watch. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Go; and we’ll have a posset for’t soon at night, in faith, at the latter end of +a sea-coal fire. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Rugby</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +An honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant shall come in house withal; +and, I warrant you, no tell-tale nor no breed-bate; his worst fault is that he +is given to prayer; he is something peevish that way; but nobody but has his +fault; but let that pass. Peter Simple you say your name is? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SIMPLE.<br/> +Ay, for fault of a better. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +And Master Slender’s your master? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SIMPLE.<br/> +Ay, forsooth. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Does he not wear a great round beard, like a glover’s paring-knife? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SIMPLE.<br/> +No, forsooth; he hath but a little whey face, with a little yellow beard—a +cane-coloured beard. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +A softly-sprighted man, is he not? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SIMPLE.<br/> +Ay, forsooth; but he is as tall a man of his hands as any is between this and +his head; he hath fought with a warrener. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +How say you?—O! I should remember him. Does he not hold up his head, as it +were, and strut in his gait? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SIMPLE.<br/> +Yes, indeed, does he. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune! Tell Master Parson Evans I will +do what I can for your master: Anne is a good girl, and I wish— +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Re-enter <span class="charname">Rugby</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +RUGBY<br/> +Out, alas! here comes my master. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +We shall all be shent. Run in here, good young man; go into this closet. +[<i>Shuts Simple in the closet</i>.] He will not stay long. What, John Rugby! +John! what, John, I say! Go, John, go inquire for my master; I doubt he be not +well that he comes not home. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Rugby</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +[<i>Sings></i>.] And down, down, adown-a, &c. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Doctor Caius</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS<br/> +Vat is you sing? I do not like des toys. Pray you, go and vetch me in my closet +une boitine verde—a box, a green-a box: do intend vat I speak? a green-a box. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Ay, forsooth, I’ll fetch it you.<br/> +[<i>Aside</i>.] I am glad he went not in himself: if he had found the young man, he +would have been horn-mad. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +Fe, fe, fe fe! ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Je m’en vais a la cour—la grande +affaire. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Is it this, sir? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +Oui; mettez le au mon pocket: depechez, quickly—Vere is dat knave, Rugby? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +What, John Rugby? John! +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Re-enter <span class="charname">Rugby</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +RUGBY<br/> +Here, sir. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby: come, take-a your rapier, and come +after my heel to de court. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +RUGBY.<br/> +’Tis ready, sir, here in the porch. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +By my trot, I tarry too long—Od’s me! Qu’ay j’oublie? Dere is some simples in +my closet dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave behind. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +[<i>Aside</i>.] Ay me, he’ll find the young man there, and be mad! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +O diable, diable! vat is in my closet?—Villainy! larron! [<i>Pulling Simple +out</i>.] Rugby, my rapier! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Good master, be content. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +Verefore shall I be content-a? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +The young man is an honest man. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +What shall de honest man do in my closet? dere is no honest man dat shall come +in my closet. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic. Hear the truth of it: he came of an errand +to me from Parson Hugh. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +Vell. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SIMPLE.<br/> +Ay, forsooth, to desire her to— +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Peace, I pray you. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +Peace-a your tongue!—Speak-a your tale. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SIMPLE.<br/> +To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid, to speak a good word to Mistress +Anne Page for my master, in the way of marriage. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +This is all, indeed, la! but I’ll ne’er put my finger in the fire, and need +not. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +Sir Hugh send-a you?—Rugby, baillez me some paper: tarry you a little-a while. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Writes.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +I am glad he is so quiet: if he had been throughly moved, you should have heard +him so loud and so melancholy. But notwithstanding, man, I’ll do you your +master what good I can; and the very yea and the no is, the French doctor, my +master—I may call him my master, look you, for I keep his house; and I wash, +wring, brew, bake, scour, dress meat and drink, make the beds, and do all +myself— +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SIMPLE.<br/> +’Tis a great charge to come under one body’s hand. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Are you avis’d o’ that? You shall find it a great charge; and to be up early +and down late; but notwithstanding,—to tell you in your ear,—I would have no +words of it—my master himself is in love with Mistress Anne Page; but +notwithstanding that, I know Anne’s mind, that’s neither here nor there. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +You jack’nape; give-a dis letter to Sir Hugh; by gar, it is a shallenge: I will +cut his troat in de Park; and I will teach a scurvy jack-a-nape priest to +meddle or make. You may be gone; it is not good you tarry here: by gar, I will +cut all his two stones; by gar, he shall not have a stone to throw at his dog. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Simple</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY<br/> +Alas, he speaks but for his friend. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +It is no matter-a ver dat:—do not you tell-a me dat I shall have Anne Page for +myself? By gar, I vill kill de Jack priest; and I have appointed mine host of +de Jartiere to measure our weapon. By gar, I vill myself have Anne Page. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well. We must give folks leave to +prate: what, the good-jer! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +Rugby, come to the court vit me. By gar, if I have not Anne Page, I shall turn +your head out of my door. Follow my heels, Rugby. +</p> + +<p class="right"> +[<i>Exeunt <span class="charname">Caius</span> and +<span class="charname">Rugby</span>.</i>] +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY<br/> +You shall have An fool’s-head of your own. No, I know Anne’s mind for that: +never a woman in Windsor knows more of Anne’s mind than I do; nor can do more +than I do with her, I thank heaven. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FENTON.<br/> +[<i>Within</i>.] Who’s within there? ho! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Who’s there, I trow? Come near the house, I pray you. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Fenton</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FENTON<br/> +How now, good woman! how dost thou? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +The better, that it pleases your good worship to ask. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FENTON.<br/> +What news? how does pretty Mistress Anne? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest, and gentle; and one that is your +friend, I can tell you that by the way; I praise heaven for it. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FENTON.<br/> +Shall I do any good, thinkest thou? Shall I not lose my suit? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Troth, sir, all is in His hands above; but notwithstanding, Master Fenton, I’ll +be sworn on a book she loves you. Have not your worship a wart above your eye? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FENTON.<br/> +Yes, marry, have I; what of that? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Well, thereby hangs a tale; good faith, it is such another Nan; but, I detest, +an honest maid as ever broke bread. We had an hour’s talk of that wart; I shall +never laugh but in that maid’s company;—but, indeed, she is given too much to +allicholy and musing. But for you—well, go to. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FENTON.<br/> +Well, I shall see her today. Hold, there’s money for thee; let me have thy +voice in my behalf: if thou seest her before me, commend me. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Will I? i’ faith, that we will; and I will tell your worship more of the wart +the next time we have confidence; and of other wooers. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FENTON.<br/> +Well, farewell; I am in great haste now. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Farewell to your worship.— +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Fenton</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +Truly, an honest gentleman; but Anne loves him not; for I know Anne’s mind as +well as another does. Out upon ’t, what have I forgot? +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit.</i>]</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="sceneII_23.1"></a><b>ACT II</b></h2> + +<h3><b>SCENE I. Before Page’s house</b></h3> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Mistress Page</span> with a letter. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +What! have I scaped love-letters in the holiday-time of my beauty, and am I now +a subject for them? Let me see. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +“Ask me no reason why I love you; for though Love use Reason for his precisian, +he admits him not for his counsellor. You are not young, no more am I; go to, +then, there’s sympathy: you are merry, so am I; ha! ha! then there’s more +sympathy; you love sack, and so do I; would you desire better sympathy? Let it +suffice thee, Mistress Page, at the least, if the love of soldier can suffice, +that I love thee. I will not say, pity me: ’tis not a soldier-like phrase; but +I say, Love me. By me,<br/> +Thine own true knight,<br/> +By day or night,<br/> +Or any kind of light,<br/> +With all his might,<br/> +For thee to fight,<br/> +JOHN FALSTAFF.” +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wicked, wicked world! One that is well-nigh +worn to pieces with age to show himself a young gallant. What an unweighed +behaviour hath this Flemish drunkard picked, with the devil’s name! out of my +conversation, that he dares in this manner assay me? Why, he hath not been +thrice in my company! What should I say to him? I was then frugal of my +mirth:—Heaven forgive me! Why, I’ll exhibit a bill in the parliament for the +putting down of men. How shall I be revenged on him? for revenged I will be, as +sure as his guts are made of puddings. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Mistress Ford</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Mistress Page! trust me, I was going to your house. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +And, trust me, I was coming to you. You look very ill. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Nay, I’ll ne’er believe that; I have to show to the contrary. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Faith, but you do, in my mind. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Well, I do, then; yet, I say, I could show you to the contrary. O, Mistress +Page! give me some counsel. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +What’s the matter, woman? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect, I could come to such honour! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Hang the trifle, woman; take the honour. What is it?—Dispense with +trifles;—what is it? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment or so, I could be knighted. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +What? thou liest. Sir Alice Ford! These knights will hack; and so thou shouldst +not alter the article of thy gentry. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +We burn daylight: here, read, read; perceive how I might be knighted. I shall +think the worse of fat men as long as I have an eye to make difference of men’s +liking: and yet he would not swear; praised women’s modesty; and gave such +orderly and well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness that I would have sworn +his disposition would have gone to the truth of his words; but they do no more +adhere and keep place together than the Hundredth Psalm to the tune of +“Greensleeves.” What tempest, I trow, threw this whale, with so many tuns of +oil in his belly, ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revenged on him? I think +the best way were to entertain him with hope, till the wicked fire of lust have +melted him in his own grease. Did you ever hear the like? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Letter for letter, but that the name of Page and Ford differs. To thy great +comfort in this mystery of ill opinions, here’s the twin-brother of thy letter; +but let thine inherit first, for, I protest, mine never shall. I warrant he +hath a thousand of these letters, writ with blank space for different names, +sure, more, and these are of the second edition. He will print them, out of +doubt; for he cares not what he puts into the press, when he would put us two: +I had rather be a giantess and lie under Mount Pelion. Well, I will find you +twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste man. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Why, this is the very same; the very hand, the very words. What doth he think +of us? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Nay, I know not; it makes me almost ready to wrangle with mine own honesty. +I’ll entertain myself like one that I am not acquainted withal; for, sure, +unless he know some strain in me that I know not myself, he would never have +boarded me in this fury. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +“Boarding” call you it? I’ll be sure to keep him above deck. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +So will I; if he come under my hatches, I’ll never to sea again. Let’s be +revenged on him; let’s appoint him a meeting, give him a show of comfort in his +suit, and lead him on with a fine-baited delay, till he hath pawned his horses +to mine host of the Garter. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Nay, I will consent to act any villainy against him that may not sully the +chariness of our honesty. O, that my husband saw this letter! It would give +eternal food to his jealousy. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Why, look where he comes; and my good man too: he’s as far from jealousy as I +am from giving him cause; and that, I hope, is an unmeasurable distance. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +You are the happier woman. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Let’s consult together against this greasy knight. Come hither. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>They retire.</i>]</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Ford, Pistol</span> and +<span class="charname">Page</span> and <span class="charname">Nym</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD<br/> +Well, I hope it be not so. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PISTOL.<br/> +Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs:<br/> +Sir John affects thy wife. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Why, sir, my wife is not young. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PISTOL.<br/> +He woos both high and low, both rich and poor,<br/> +Both young and old, one with another, Ford;<br/> +He loves the gallimaufry. Ford, perpend. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Love my wife! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PISTOL.<br/> +With liver burning hot: prevent, or go thou,<br/> +Like Sir Actaeon he, with Ringwood at thy heels.—<br/> +O! odious is the name! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +What name, sir? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PISTOL.<br/> +The horn, I say. Farewell:<br/> +Take heed; have open eye, for thieves do foot by night;<br/> +Take heed, ere summer comes, or cuckoo birds do sing.<br/> +Away, Sir Corporal Nym.<br/> +Believe it, Page; he speaks sense. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Pistol</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD<br/> +[<i>Aside</i>.] I will be patient: I will find out this. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +NYM.<br/> +[<i>To Page</i>.] And this is true; I like not the humour of lying. He hath +wronged me in some humours: I should have borne the humoured letter to her; but +I have a sword, and it shall bite upon my necessity. He loves your wife; +there’s the short and the long. My name is Corporal Nym; I speak, and I avouch +’tis true. My name is Nym, and Falstaff loves your wife. Adieu. I love not the +humour of bread and cheese; and there’s the humour of it. Adieu. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Nym</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE<br/> +[<i>Aside</i>.] “The humour of it,” quoth ’a! Here’s a fellow frights English +out of his wits. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +I will seek out Falstaff. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +If I do find it: well. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +I will not believe such a Cataian, though the priest o’ the town commended him +for a true man. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +’Twas a good sensible fellow: well. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +How now, Meg! +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +<span class="charname">Mistress Page</span> and +<span class="charname">Mistress Ford</span> come forward. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE<br/> +Whither go you, George?—Hark you. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +How now, sweet Frank! why art thou melancholy? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +I melancholy! I am not melancholy. Get you home, go. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head now. Will you go, Mistress Page? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Have with you. You’ll come to dinner, George?<br/> +[<i>Aside to Mrs. Ford</i>.] Look who comes yonder: she shall be our messenger +to this paltry knight. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +[<i>Aside to Mrs. Page</i>.] Trust me, I thought on her: she’ll fit it. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Mistress Quickly</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE<br/> +You are come to see my daughter Anne? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Ay, forsooth; and, I pray, how does good Mistress Anne? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Go in with us and see; we’d have an hour’s talk with you. +</p> + +<p class="right"> +[<i>Exeunt <span class="charname">Mistress Page, Mistress Ford</span> and +<span class="charname">Mistress Quickly</span>.</i>] +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE<br/> +How now, Master Ford! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +You heard what this knave told me, did you not? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Yes; and you heard what the other told me? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Do you think there is truth in them? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Hang ’em, slaves! I do not think the knight would offer it; but these that +accuse him in his intent towards our wives are a yoke of his discarded men; +very rogues, now they be out of service. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Were they his men? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Marry, were they. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at the Garter? </p> -<h4>SCENE 4.</h4> - -<p>Windsor Park</p> - -<p>Enter SIR HUGH EVANS like a satyr, with OTHERS as fairies</p> - -<p> EVANS. Trib, trib, fairies; come; and -remember your parts. - Be pold, I pray you; follow me into the pit; and when I - give the watch-ords, do as I pid you. Come, come; trib, - trib. Exeunt</p> - -<h4>SCENE 5.</h4> - -<p>Another part of the Park</p> - -<p>Enter FALSTAFF disguised as HERNE</p> - -<p> FALSTAFF. The Windsor bell hath struck -twelve; the minute - draws on. Now the hot-blooded gods assist me! - Remember, Jove, thou wast a bull for thy Europa; love set on thy - horns. O powerful love! that in some respects makes a - beast a man; in some other a man a beast. You were also, - Jupiter, a swan, for the love of Leda. O omnipotent love! - how near the god drew to the complexion of a goose! A - fault done first in the form of a beast-O Jove, a beastly - fault!-and then another fault in the semblance of a fowl- - think on't, Jove, a foul fault! When gods have hot backs - what shall poor men do? For me, I am here a Windsor - stag; and the fattest, I think, i' th' forest. Send me a cool - rut-time, Jove, or who can blame me to piss my tallow? - Who comes here? my doe?</p> - -<p> Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE</p> - -<p> MRS. FORD. Sir John! Art thou there, my deer, my male deer.<br/> - FALSTAFF. My doe with the black scut! Let the sky rain<br/> - potatoes; let it thunder to the tune of Greensleeves, hail<br/> - kissing-comfits, and snow eringoes; let there come a tempest<br/> - of provocation, I will shelter me here. [Embracing her]<br/> - MRS. FORD. Mistress Page is come with me, sweetheart.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Divide me like a brib'd buck, each a haunch; I<br/> - will keep my sides to myself, my shoulders for the fellow<br/> - of this walk, and my horns I bequeath your husbands. Am<br/> - I a woodman, ha? Speak I like Heme the Hunter? Why,<br/> - now is Cupid a child of conscience; he makes restitution.<br/> - As I am a true spirit, welcome! [A noise of horns]<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Alas, what noise?<br/> - MRS. FORD. Heaven forgive our sins!<br/> - FALSTAFF. What should this be?<br/> - MRS. FORD. } Away, away.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. } Away, away. [They run off]<br/> - FALSTAFF. I think the devil will not have me damn'd, lest the<br/> - oil that's in me should set hell on fire; he would never else<br/> - cross me thus.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter SIR HUGH EVANS like a satyr, ANNE PAGE as<br/> - a fairy, and OTHERS as the Fairy Queen, fairies, and<br/> - Hobgoblin; all with tapers<br/> -</p> - -<p> FAIRY QUEEN. Fairies, black, grey, green, and white,<br/> - You moonshine revellers, and shades of night,<br/> - You orphan heirs of fixed destiny,<br/> - Attend your office and your quality.<br/> - Crier Hobgoblin, make the fairy oyes.<br/> - PUCK. Elves, list your names; silence, you airy toys.<br/> - Cricket, to Windsor chimneys shalt thou leap;<br/> - Where fires thou find'st unrak'd, and hearths unswept,<br/> - There pinch the maids as blue as bilberry;<br/> - Our radiant Queen hates sluts and sluttery.<br/> - FALSTAFF. They are fairies; he that speaks to them shall die.<br/> - I'll wink and couch; no man their works must eye.<br/> - [Lies down upon his face]<br/> - EVANS. Where's Pede? Go you, and where you find a maid<br/> - That, ere she sleep, has thrice her prayers said,<br/> - Raise up the organs of her fantasy<br/> - Sleep she as sound as careless infancy;<br/> - But those as sleep and think not on their sins,<br/> - Pinch them, arms, legs, backs, shoulders, sides, and shins.<br/> - FAIRY QUEEN. About, about;<br/> - Search Windsor castle, elves, within and out;<br/> - Strew good luck, ouphes, on every sacred room,<br/> - That it may stand till the perpetual doom<br/> - In state as wholesome as in state 'tis fit,<br/> - Worthy the owner and the owner it.<br/> - The several chairs of order look you scour<br/> - With juice of balm and every precious flower;<br/> - Each fair instalment, coat, and sev'ral crest,<br/> - With loyal blazon, evermore be blest!<br/> - And nightly, meadow-fairies, look you sing,<br/> - Like to the Garter's compass, in a ring;<br/> - Th' expressure that it bears, green let it be,<br/> - More fertile-fresh than all the field to see;<br/> - And 'Honi soit qui mal y pense' write<br/> - In em'rald tufts, flow'rs purple, blue and white;<br/> - Like sapphire, pearl, and rich embroidery,<br/> - Buckled below fair knighthood's bending knee.<br/> - Fairies use flow'rs for their charactery.<br/> - Away, disperse; but till 'tis one o'clock,<br/> - Our dance of custom round about the oak<br/> - Of Herne the Hunter let us not forget.<br/> - EVANS. Pray you, lock hand in hand; yourselves in order set;<br/> - And twenty glow-worms shall our lanterns be,<br/> - To guide our measure round about the tree.<br/> - But, stay. I smell a man of middle earth.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Heavens defend me from that Welsh fairy, lest he<br/> - transform me to a piece of cheese!<br/> - PUCK. Vile worm, thou wast o'erlook'd even in thy birth.<br/> - FAIRY QUEEN. With trial-fire touch me his finger-end;<br/> - If he be chaste, the flame will back descend,<br/> - And turn him to no pain; but if he start,<br/> - It is the flesh of a corrupted heart.<br/> - PUCK. A trial, come.<br/> - EVANS. Come, will this wood take fire?<br/> - [They put the tapers to his fingers, and he starts]<br/> - FALSTAFF. Oh, oh, oh!<br/> - FAIRY QUEEN. Corrupt, corrupt, and tainted in desire!<br/> - About him, fairies; sing a scornful rhyme;<br/> - And, as you trip, still pinch him to your time.<br/> - THE SONG.<br/> - Fie on sinful fantasy!<br/> - Fie on lust and luxury!<br/> - Lust is but a bloody fire,<br/> - Kindled with unchaste desire,<br/> - Fed in heart, whose flames aspire,<br/> - As thoughts do blow them, higher and higher.<br/> - Pinch him, fairies, mutually;<br/> - Pinch him for his villainy;<br/> - Pinch him and burn him and turn him about,<br/> - Till candles and star-light and moonshine be out.<br/> -</p> - -<p> During this song they pinch FALSTAFF. DOCTOR<br/> - CAIUS comes one way, and steals away a fairy in<br/> - green; SLENDER another way, and takes off a fairy in<br/> - white; and FENTON steals away ANNE PAGE. A noise<br/> - of hunting is heard within. All the fairies run away.<br/> - FALSTAFF pulls off his buck's head, and rises<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter PAGE, FORD, MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and<br/> - SIR HUGH EVANS<br/> -</p> - -<p> PAGE. Nay, do not fly; I think we have watch'd you now.<br/> - Will none but Heme the Hunter serve your turn?<br/> - MRS. PAGE. I pray you, come, hold up the jest no higher.<br/> - Now, good Sir John, how like you Windsor wives?<br/> - See you these, husband? Do not these fair yokes<br/> - Become the forest better than the town?<br/> - FORD. Now, sir, who's a cuckold now? Master Brook,<br/> - Falstaff's a knave, a cuckoldly knave; here are his horns,<br/> - Master Brook; and, Master Brook, he hath enjoyed nothing of<br/> - Ford's but his buck-basket, his cudgel, and twenty pounds<br/> - of money, which must be paid to Master Brook; his horses<br/> - are arrested for it, Master Brook.<br/> - MRS. FORD. Sir John, we have had ill luck; we could never<br/> - meet. I will never take you for my love again; but I will<br/> - always count you my deer.<br/> - FALSTAFF. I do begin to perceive that I am made an ass.<br/> - FORD. Ay, and an ox too; both the proofs are extant.<br/> - FALSTAFF. And these are not fairies? I was three or four<br/> - times in the thought they were not fairies; and yet the<br/> - guiltiness of my mind, the sudden surprise of my powers,<br/> - drove the grossness of the foppery into a receiv'd belief,<br/> - in despite of the teeth of all rhyme and reason, that they<br/> - were fairies. See now how wit may be made a Jack-a-Lent<br/> - when 'tis upon ill employment.<br/> - EVANS. Sir John Falstaff, serve Got, and leave your desires,<br/> - and fairies will not pinse you.<br/> - FORD. Well said, fairy Hugh.<br/> - EVANS. And leave you your jealousies too, I pray you.<br/> - FORD. I will never mistrust my wife again, till thou art able<br/> - to woo her in good English.<br/> - FALSTAFF. Have I laid my brain in the sun, and dried it, that<br/> - it wants matter to prevent so gross, o'er-reaching as this?<br/> - Am I ridden with a Welsh goat too? Shall I have a cox-comb<br/> - of frieze? 'Tis time I were chok'd with a piece of<br/> - toasted cheese.<br/> - EVANS. Seese is not good to give putter; your belly is all<br/> - putter.<br/> - FALSTAFF. 'Seese' and 'putter'! Have I liv'd to stand at the<br/> - taunt of one that makes fritters of English? This is enough<br/> - to be the decay of lust and late-walking through the realm.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Why, Sir John, do you think, though we would<br/> - have thrust virtue out of our hearts by the head and<br/> - shoulders, and have given ourselves without scruple to hell,<br/> - that ever the devil could have made you our delight?<br/> - FORD. What, a hodge-pudding? a bag of flax?<br/> - MRS. PAGE. A puff'd man?<br/> - PAGE. Old, cold, wither'd, and of intolerable entrails?<br/> - FORD. And one that is as slanderous as Satan?<br/> - PAGE. And as poor as Job?<br/> - FORD. And as wicked as his wife?<br/> - EVANS. And given to fornications, and to taverns, and sack,<br/> - and wine, and metheglins, and to drinkings, and swearings,<br/> - and starings, pribbles and prabbles?<br/> - FALSTAFF. Well, I am your theme; you have the start of me;<br/> - I am dejected; I am not able to answer the Welsh flannel;<br/> - ignorance itself is a plummet o'er me; use me as you will.<br/> - FORD. Marry, sir, we'll bring you to Windsor, to one Master<br/> - Brook, that you have cozen'd of money, to whom you<br/> - should have been a pander. Over and above that you have<br/> - suffer'd, I think to repay that money will be a biting<br/> - affliction.<br/> - PAGE. Yet be cheerful, knight; thou shalt eat a posset<br/> - tonight at my house, where I will desire thee to laugh at my<br/> - wife, that now laughs at thee. Tell her Master Slender hath<br/> - married her daughter.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. [Aside] Doctors doubt that; if Anne Page be<br/> - my daughter, she is, by this, Doctor Caius' wife.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter SLENDER</p> - -<p> SLENDER. Whoa, ho, ho, father Page!<br/> - PAGE. Son, how now! how now, son! Have you dispatch'd'?<br/> - SLENDER. Dispatch'd! I'll make the best in Gloucestershire<br/> - know on't; would I were hang'd, la, else!<br/> - PAGE. Of what, son?<br/> - SLENDER. I came yonder at Eton to marry Mistress Anne<br/> - Page, and she's a great lubberly boy. If it had not been i'<br/> - th' church, I would have swing'd him, or he should have<br/> - swing'd me. If I did not think it had been Anne Page,<br/> - would I might never stir!-and 'tis a postmaster's boy.<br/> - PAGE. Upon my life, then, you took the wrong.<br/> - SLENDER. What need you tell me that? I think so, when I<br/> - took a boy for a girl. If I had been married to him, for all<br/> - he was in woman's apparel, I would not have had him.<br/> - PAGE. Why, this is your own folly. Did not I tell you how<br/> - you should know my daughter by her garments?<br/> - SLENDER. I went to her in white and cried 'mum' and she<br/> - cried 'budget' as Anne and I had appointed; and yet it was<br/> - not Anne, but a postmaster's boy.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Good George, be not angry. I knew of your<br/> - purpose; turn'd my daughter into green; and, indeed, she<br/> - is now with the Doctor at the dean'ry, and there married.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter CAIUS</p> - -<p> CAIUS. Vere is Mistress Page? By gar, I am cozened; I ha'<br/> - married un garcon, a boy; un paysan, by gar, a boy; it is<br/> - not Anne Page; by gar, I am cozened.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Why, did you take her in green?<br/> - CAIUS. Ay, be gar, and 'tis a boy; be gar, I'll raise all<br/> - Windsor. Exit CAIUS<br/> - FORD. This is strange. Who hath got the right Anne?<br/> - PAGE. My heart misgives me; here comes Master Fenton.<br/> -</p> - -<p> Enter FENTON and ANNE PAGE</p> - -<p> How now, Master Fenton!<br/> - ANNE. Pardon, good father. Good my mother, pardon.<br/> - PAGE. Now, Mistress, how chance you went not with Master<br/> - Slender?<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Why went you not with Master Doctor, maid?<br/> - FENTON. You do amaze her. Hear the truth of it.<br/> - You would have married her most shamefully,<br/> - Where there was no proportion held in love.<br/> - The truth is, she and I, long since contracted,<br/> - Are now so sure that nothing can dissolve us.<br/> - Th' offence is holy that she hath committed;<br/> - And this deceit loses the name of craft,<br/> - Of disobedience, or unduteous title,<br/> - Since therein she doth evitate and shun<br/> - A thousand irreligious cursed hours,<br/> - Which forced marriage would have brought upon her.<br/> - FORD. Stand not amaz'd; here is no remedy.<br/> - In love, the heavens themselves do guide the state;<br/> - Money buys lands, and wives are sold by fate.<br/> - FALSTAFF. I am glad, though you have ta'en a special stand<br/> - to strike at me, that your arrow hath glanc'd.<br/> - PAGE. Well, what remedy? Fenton, heaven give thee joy!<br/> - What cannot be eschew'd must be embrac'd.<br/> - FALSTAFF. When night-dogs run, all sorts of deer are chas'd.<br/> - MRS. PAGE. Well, I will muse no further. Master Fenton,<br/> - Heaven give you many, many merry days!<br/> - Good husband, let us every one go home,<br/> - And laugh this sport o'er by a country fire;<br/> - Sir John and all.<br/> - FORD. Let it be so. Sir John,<br/> - To Master Brook you yet shall hold your word;<br/> - For he, to-night, shall lie with Mistress Ford. Exeunt<br/> +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage toward my wife, I would +turn her loose to him; and what he gets more of her than sharp words, let it +lie on my head. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +I do not misdoubt my wife; but I would be loath to turn them together. A man +may be too confident. I would have nothing “lie on my head”: I cannot be thus +satisfied. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Look where my ranting host of the Garter comes. There is either liquor in his +pate or money in his purse when he looks so merrily. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Host</span> and +<span class="charname">Shallow</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +How now, mine host! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +How now, bully-rook! Thou’rt a gentleman. Cavaliero-justice, I say! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +I follow, mine host, I follow. Good even and twenty, good Master Page! Master +Page, will you go with us? We have sport in hand. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +Tell him, cavaliero-justice; tell him, bully-rook. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hugh the Welsh priest and Caius +the French doctor. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Good mine host o’ the Garter, a word with you. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +What say’st thou, my bully-rook? +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>They go aside.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW<br/> +[<i>To Page</i>.] Will you go with us to behold it? My merry host hath had the +measuring of their weapons; and, I think, hath appointed them contrary places; +for, believe me, I hear the parson is no jester. Hark, I will tell you what our +sport shall be. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>They converse apart.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST<br/> +Hast thou no suit against my knight, my guest-cavaliero? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +None, I protest: but I’ll give you a pottle of burnt sack to give me recourse +to him, and tell him my name is Brook, only for a jest. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +My hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and regress; said I well? and thy name +shall be Brook. It is a merry knight. Will you go, mynheers? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +Have with you, mine host. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in his rapier. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +Tut, sir! I could have told you more. In these times you stand on distance, +your passes, stoccadoes, and I know not what: ’tis the heart, Master Page; ’tis +here, ’tis here. I have seen the time with my long sword I would have made you +four tall fellows skip like rats. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +Here, boys, here, here! Shall we wag? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Have with you. I had rather hear them scold than fight. +</p> + +<p class="right"> +[<i>Exeunt <span class="charname">Host, Shallow</span> and +<span class="charname">Page</span>.</i>] +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD<br/> +Though Page be a secure fool, and stands so firmly on his wife’s frailty, yet I +cannot put off my opinion so easily. She was in his company at Page’s house, +and what they made there I know not. Well, I will look further into ’t; and I +have a disguise to sound Falstaff. If I find her honest, I lose not my labour; +if she be otherwise, ’tis labour well bestowed. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit.</i>]</p> + +<h3><a name="sceneII_23.2"></a><b>SCENE II. A room in the Garter Inn</b></h3> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Falstaff</span> and +<span class="charname">Pistol</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +I will not lend thee a penny. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PISTOL.<br/> +Why then, the world’s mine oyster,<br/> +Which I with sword will open.<br/> +I will retort the sum in equipage. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should lay my countenance to pawn; I +have grated upon my good friends for three reprieves for you and your +coach-fellow, Nym; or else you had looked through the grate, like a geminy of +baboons. I am damned in hell for swearing to gentlemen my friends you were good +soldiers and tall fellows; and when Mistress Bridget lost the handle of her +fan, I took ’t upon mine honour thou hadst it not. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PISTOL.<br/> +Didst not thou share? Hadst thou not fifteen pence? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Reason, you rogue, reason. Thinkest thou I’ll endanger my soul gratis? At a +word, hang no more about me, I am no gibbet for you: go: a short knife and a +throng!—to your manor of Picht-hatch! go. You’ll not bear a letter for me, you +rogue!—you stand upon your honour!—Why, thou unconfinable baseness, it is as +much as I can do to keep the terms of my honour precise. I, I, I myself +sometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left hand, and hiding mine honour in +my necessity, am fain to shuffle, to hedge, and to lurch; and yet you, rogue, +will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountain looks, your red-lattice phrases, +and your bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your honour! You will not do +it, you! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PISTOL.<br/> +I do relent; what wouldst thou more of man? +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Robin</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +ROBIN<br/> +Sir, here’s a woman would speak with you. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Let her approach. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Mistress Quickly</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY<br/> +Give your worship good morrow. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Good morrow, good wife. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Not so, an’t please your worship. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Good maid, then. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +I’ll be sworn;<br/> +As my mother was, the first hour I was born. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +I do believe the swearer. What with me? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Two thousand, fair woman; and I’ll vouchsafe thee the hearing. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +There is one Mistress Ford, sir,—I pray, come a little nearer this ways:—I +myself dwell with Master Doctor Caius. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say,— +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Your worship says very true;—I pray your worship come a little nearer this +ways. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +I warrant thee nobody hears—mine own people, mine own people. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Are they so? God bless them, and make them His servants! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Well: Mistress Ford, what of her? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Why, sir, she’s a good creature. Lord, Lord! your worship’s a wanton! Well, +heaven forgive you, and all of us, I pray. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford— +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Marry, this is the short and the long of it. You have brought her into such a +canaries as ’tis wonderful: the best courtier of them all, when the court lay +at Windsor, could never have brought her to such a canary; yet there has been +knights, and lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches; I warrant you, coach +after coach, letter after letter, gift after gift; smelling so sweetly,—all +musk, and so rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in such alligant +terms; and in such wine and sugar of the best and the fairest, that would have +won any woman’s heart; and I warrant you, they could never get an eye-wink of +her. I had myself twenty angels given me this morning; but I defy all angels, +in any such sort, as they say, but in the way of honesty: and, I warrant you, +they could never get her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of them all; +and yet there has been earls, nay, which is more, pensioners; but, I warrant +you, all is one with her. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +But what says she to me? be brief, my good she-Mercury. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Marry, she hath received your letter; for the which she thanks you a thousand +times; and she gives you to notify that her husband will be absence from his +house between ten and eleven. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Ten and eleven? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see the picture, she says, that you wot +of: Master Ford, her husband, will be from home. Alas! the sweet woman leads an +ill life with him; he’s a very jealousy man; she leads a very frampold life +with him, good heart. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I will not fail her. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Why, you say well. But I have another messenger to your worship: Mistress Page +hath her hearty commendations to you too; and let me tell you in your ear, +she’s as fartuous a civil modest wife, and one, I tell you, that will not miss +you morning nor evening prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe’er be the other; and +she bade me tell your worship that her husband is seldom from home, but she +hopes there will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote upon a man: surely I +think you have charms, la! yes, in truth. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Not I, I assure thee; setting the attraction of my good parts aside, I have no +other charms. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Blessing on your heart for ’t! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford’s wife and Page’s wife acquainted each +other how they love me? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +That were a jest indeed! They have not so little grace, I hope: that were a +trick indeed! But Mistress Page would desire you to send her your little page, +of all loves: her husband has a marvellous infection to the little page; and, +truly, Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in Windsor leads a better +life than she does; do what she will, say what she will, take all, pay all, go +to bed when she list, rise when she list, all is as she will; and truly she +deserves it; for if there be a kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must send +her your page; no remedy. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Why, I will. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Nay, but do so then; and, look you, he may come and go between you both; and in +any case have a nay-word, that you may know one another’s mind, and the boy +never need to understand anything; for ’tis not good that children should know +any wickedness: old folks, you know, have discretion, as they say, and know the +world. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Fare thee well; commend me to them both. There’s my purse; I am yet thy debtor. +Boy, go along with this woman.— +</p> + +<p class="right"> +[<i>Exeunt <span class="charname">Mistress Quickly</span> and +<span class="charname">Robin</span>.</i>] +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +This news distracts me. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PISTOL.<br/> +This punk is one of Cupid’s carriers;<br/> +Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights;<br/> +Give fire; she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all! +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Pistol</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF<br/> +Say’st thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I’ll make more of thy old body than I +have done. Will they yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense of so +much money, be now a gainer? Good body, I thank thee. Let them say ’tis grossly +done; so it be fairly done, no matter. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Bardolph</span> with a cup of sack. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +BARDOLPH<br/> +Sir John, there’s one Master Brook below would fain speak with you and be +acquainted with you: and hath sent your worship a morning’s draught of sack. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Brook is his name? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +BARDOLPH.<br/> +Ay, sir. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Call him in. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Bardolph</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +Such Brooks are welcome to me, that o’erflow such liquor. Ah, ha! Mistress Ford +and Mistress Page, have I encompassed you? Go to; via! +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Re-enter <span class="charname">Bardolph</span> with +<span class="charname">Ford</span> disguised. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD<br/> +Bless you, sir! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +And you, sir; would you speak with me? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +I make bold to press with so little preparation upon you. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +You’re welcome. What’s your will?—Give us leave, drawer. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Bardolph</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD<br/> +Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much: my name is Brook. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Good Sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge you; for I must let you +understand I think myself in better plight for a lender than you are: the which +hath something embold’ned me to this unseasoned intrusion; for they say, if +money go before, all ways do lie open. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me; if you will help to bear it, +Sir John, take all, or half, for easing me of the carriage. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Speak, good Master Brook; I shall be glad to be your servant. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Sir, I hear you are a scholar,—I will be brief with you, and you have been a +man long known to me, though I had never so good means, as desire, to make +myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a thing to you, wherein I must +very much lay open mine own imperfection; but, good Sir John, as you have one +eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded, turn another into the register +of your own, that I may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you yourself know +how easy is it to be such an offender. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Very well, sir; proceed. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +There is a gentlewoman in this town, her husband’s name is Ford. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Well, sir. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +I have long loved her, and, I protest to you, bestowed much on her; followed +her with a doting observance; engrossed opportunities to meet her; fee’d every +slight occasion that could but niggardly give me sight of her; not only bought +many presents to give her, but have given largely to many to know what she +would have given; briefly, I have pursued her as love hath pursued me; which +hath been on the wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I have merited, either +in my mind or in my means, meed, I am sure, I have received none, unless +experience be a jewel that I have purchased at an infinite rate, and that hath +taught me to say this,<br/> +Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues;<br/> +Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.<br/> +FALSTAFF<br/> +Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Never. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Have you importuned her to such a purpose? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Never. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Of what quality was your love, then? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Like a fair house built on another man’s ground; so that I have lost my edifice +by mistaking the place where I erected it. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +To what purpose have you unfolded this to me? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +When I have told you that, I have told you all. Some say that though she appear +honest to me, yet in other places she enlargeth her mirth so far that there is +shrewd construction made of her. Now, Sir John, here is the heart of my +purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable discourse, of +great admittance, authentic in your place and person, generally allowed for +your many war-like, court-like, and learnèd preparations. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +O, sir! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Believe it, for you know it. There is money; spend it, spend it; spend more; +spend all I have; only give me so much of your time in exchange of it as to lay +an amiable siege to the honesty of this Ford’s wife: use your art of wooing, +win her to consent to you; if any man may, you may as soon as any. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Would it apply well to the vehemency of your affection, that I should win what +you would enjoy? Methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +O, understand my drift. She dwells so securely on the excellency of her honour +that the folly of my soul dares not present itself; she is too bright to be +looked against. Now, could I come to her with any detection in my hand, my +desires had instance and argument to commend themselves; I could drive her then +from the ward of her purity, her reputation, her marriage-vow, and a thousand +other her defences, which now are too too strongly embattled against me. What +say you to’t, Sir John? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Master Brook, I will first make bold with your money; next, give me your hand; +and last, as I am a gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford’s wife. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +O good sir! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +I say you shall. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Want no money, Sir John; you shall want none. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall want none. I shall be with her, +I may tell you, by her own appointment; even as you came in to me her assistant +or go-between parted from me: I say I shall be with her between ten and eleven; +for at that time the jealous rascally knave, her husband, will be forth. Come +you to me at night; you shall know how I speed. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford, sir? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him not; yet I wrong him to call him +poor; they say the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money; for the which +his wife seems to me well-favoured. I will use her as the key of the cuckoldly +rogue’s coffer; and there’s my harvest-home. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid him if you saw him. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will stare him out of his wits; I +will awe him with my cudgel; it shall hang like a meteor o’er the cuckold’s +horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know I will predominate over the peasant, and +thou shalt lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night. Ford’s a knave, and I +will aggravate his style; thou, Master Brook, shalt know him for knave and +cuckold. Come to me soon at night. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Falstaff</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +What a damned Epicurean rascal is this! My heart is ready to crack with +impatience. Who says this is improvident jealousy? My wife hath sent to him; +the hour is fixed; the match is made. Would any man have thought this? See the +hell of having a false woman! My bed shall be abused, my coffers ransacked, my +reputation gnawn at; and I shall not only receive this villanous wrong, but +stand under the adoption of abominable terms, and by him that does me this +wrong. Terms! names! Amaimon sounds well; Lucifer, well; Barbason, well; yet +they are devils’ additions, the names of fiends. But Cuckold! Wittol!—Cuckold! +the devil himself hath not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass; he will +trust his wife; he will not be jealous; I will rather trust a Fleming with my +butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with my aqua-vitae +bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling gelding, than my wife with herself; then +she plots, then she ruminates, then she devises; and what they think in their +hearts they may effect, they will break their hearts but they will effect. God +be praised for my jealousy! Eleven o’clock the hour. I will prevent this, +detect my wife, be revenged on Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it; +better three hours too soon than a minute too late. Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! +cuckold! cuckold! +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit.</i>]</p> + +<h3><a name="sceneII_23.3"></a><b>SCENE III. A field near Windsor</b></h3> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Caius</span> and +<span class="charname">Rugby</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +Jack Rugby! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +RUGBY.<br/> +Sir? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +Vat is de clock, Jack? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +RUGBY.<br/> +’Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised to meet. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no come; he has pray his Pible vell dat +he is no come: by gar, Jack Rugby, he is dead already, if he be come. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +RUGBY.<br/> +He is wise, sir; he knew your worship would kill him if he came. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +By gar, de herring is no dead so as I vill kill him. Take your rapier, Jack; I +vill tell you how I vill kill him. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +RUGBY.<br/> +Alas, sir, I cannot fence! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +Villany, take your rapier. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +RUGBY.<br/> +Forbear; here’s company. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Host, Shallow, Slender</span> and +<span class="charname">Page</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST<br/> +Bless thee, bully doctor! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +Save you, Master Doctor Caius! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Now, good Master Doctor! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +Give you good morrow, sir. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see thee traverse; to see thee here, to +see thee there; to see thee pass thy punto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy +distance, thy montant. Is he dead, my Ethiopian? Is he dead, my Francisco? Ha, +bully! What says my Aesculapius? my Galen? my heart of elder? Ha! is he dead, +bully stale? Is he dead? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +By gar, he is de coward Jack priest of de world; he is not show his face. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +Thou art a Castalion King Urinal! Hector of Greece, my boy! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +I pray you, bear witness that me have stay six or seven, two, tree hours for +him, and he is no come. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +He is the wiser man, Master doctor: he is a curer of souls, and you a curer of +bodies; if you should fight, you go against the hair of your professions. Is it +not true, Master Page? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great fighter, though now a man of +peace. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +Bodykins, Master Page, though I now be old, and of the peace, if I see a sword +out, my finger itches to make one. Though we are justices, and doctors, and +churchmen, Master Page, we have some salt of our youth in us; we are the sons +of women, Master Page. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +’Tis true, Master Shallow. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +It will be found so, Master Page. Master Doctor Caius, I come to fetch you +home. I am sworn of the peace; you have showed yourself a wise physician, and +Sir Hugh hath shown himself a wise and patient churchman. You must go with me, +Master Doctor. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +Pardon, guest-justice.—A word, Monsieur Mockwater. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +Mock-vater! Vat is dat? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +Mockwater, in our English tongue, is valour, bully. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +By gar, then I have as much mockvater as de Englishman.—Scurvy jack-dog priest! +By gar, me vill cut his ears. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +Clapper-de-claw! Vat is dat? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +That is, he will make thee amends. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw me; for, by gar, me vill have it. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +And I will provoke him to’t, or let him wag. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +Me tank you for dat. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +And, moreover, bully—but first: Master guest, and Master Page, and eke +Cavaliero Slender, go you through the town to Frogmore. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Aside to them.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE<br/> +Sir Hugh is there, is he? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +He is there: see what humour he is in; and I will bring the doctor about by the +fields. Will it do well? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +We will do it. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER<br/> +Adieu, good Master Doctor. +</p> + +<p class="right"> +[<i>Exeunt <span class="charname">Page, Shallow</span> and +<span class="charname">Slender</span>.</i>] +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS<br/> +By gar, me vill kill de priest; for he speak for a jack-an-ape to Anne Page. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +Let him die. Sheathe thy impatience; throw cold water on thy choler; go about +the fields with me through Frogmore; I will bring thee where Mistress Anne Page +is, at a farm-house a-feasting; and thou shalt woo her. Cried I aim! Said I +well? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +By gar, me tank you for dat: by gar, I love you; and I shall procure-a you de +good guest, de earl, de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my patients. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +For the which I will be thy adversary toward Anne Page: said I well? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +By gar, ’tis good; vell said. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +Let us wag, then. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +Come at my heels, Jack Rugby. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exeunt.</i>]</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="sceneIII_23.1"></a><b>ACT III</b></h2> + +<h3><b>SCENE I. A field near Frogmore</b></h3> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Sir Hugh Evans</span> and +<span class="charname">Simple</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +I pray you now, good Master Slender’s serving-man, and friend Simple by your +name, which way have you looked for Master Caius, that calls himself doctor of +physic? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SIMPLE.<br/> +Marry, sir, the pittie-ward, the park-ward, every way; old Windsor way, and +every way but the town way. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +I most fehemently desire you you will also look that way. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SIMPLE.<br/> +I will, Sir. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Simple</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS<br/> +Pless my soul, how full of chollors I am, and trempling of mind! I shall be +glad if he have deceived me. How melancholies I am! I will knog his urinals +about his knave’s costard when I have goot opportunities for the ’ork: pless my +soul! +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Sings.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +To shallow rivers, to whose falls<br/> +Melodious birds sings madrigals;<br/> +There will we make our peds of roses,<br/> +And a thousand fragrant posies.<br/> +To shallow— + +Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Sings.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +Melodious birds sing madrigals,—<br/> +Whenas I sat in Pabylon,—<br/> +And a thousand vagram posies.<br/> +To shallow,— +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Re-enter <span class="charname">Simple</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SIMPLE<br/> +Yonder he is, coming this way, Sir Hugh. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +He’s welcome. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Sings.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +To shallow rivers, to whose falls— + +Heaven prosper the right!—What weapons is he? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SIMPLE.<br/> +No weapons, sir. There comes my master, Master Shallow, and another gentleman, +from Frogmore, over the stile, this way. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Pray you give me my gown; or else keep it in your arms. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Reads in a book.</i>]</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Page, Shallow</span> and +<span class="charname">Slender</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW<br/> +How now, Master Parson! Good morrow, good Sir Hugh. Keep a gamester from the +dice, and a good student from his book, and it is wonderful. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +[<i>Aside</i>.] Ah, sweet Anne Page! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +’Save you, good Sir Hugh! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +What, the sword and the word! Do you study them both, Master Parson? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +And youthful still, in your doublet and hose, this raw rheumatic day! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +There is reasons and causes for it. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +We are come to you to do a good office, Master Parson. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Fery well; what is it? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belike having received wrong by some +person, is at most odds with his own gravity and patience that ever you saw. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +I have lived fourscore years and upward; I never heard a man of his place, +gravity, and learning, so wide of his own respect. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +What is he? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +I think you know him: Master Doctor Caius, the renowned French physician. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Got’s will and His passion of my heart! I had as lief you would tell me of a +mess of porridge. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Why? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +He has no more knowledge in Hibbocrates and Galen,—and he is a knave besides; a +cowardly knave as you would desires to be acquainted withal. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +I warrant you, he’s the man should fight with him. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +[<i>Aside</i>.] O, sweet Anne Page! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +It appears so, by his weapons. Keep them asunder; here comes Doctor Caius. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Host, Caius</span> and +<span class="charname">Rugby</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE<br/> +Nay, good Master Parson, keep in your weapon. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +So do you, good Master Doctor. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +Disarm them, and let them question; let them keep their limbs whole and hack +our English. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear: verefore will you not meet-a +me? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +[<i>Aside to Caius</i>.] Pray you use your patience; in good time. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +[<i>Aside to Caius</i>.] Pray you, let us not be laughing-stogs to other men’s +humours; I desire you in friendship, and I will one way or other make you +amends.<br/> +[<i>Aloud</i>.] I will knog your urinals about your knave’s cogscomb for +missing your meetings and appointments. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +Diable!—Jack Rugby,—mine Host de Jarretiere,—have I not stay for him to kill +him? Have I not, at de place I did appoint? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +As I am a Christians soul, now, look you, this is the place appointed. I’ll be +judgment by mine host of the Garter. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaullia; French and Welsh, soul-curer and body-curer! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +Ay, dat is very good; excellent! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +Peace, I say! Hear mine host of the Garter. Am I politic? am I subtle? am I a +Machiavel? Shall I lose my doctor? No; he gives me the potions and the motions. +Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my Sir Hugh? No; he gives me the proverbs +and the no-verbs. Give me thy hand, terrestrial; so;—give me thy hand, +celestial; so. Boys of art, I have deceived you both; I have directed you to +wrong places; your hearts are mighty, your skins are whole, and let burnt sack +be the issue. Come, lay their swords to pawn. Follow me, lads of peace; follow, +follow, follow. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +Trust me, a mad host!—Follow, gentlemen, follow. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +[<i>Aside</i>.] O, sweet Anne Page! +</p> + +<p class="right"> +[<i>Exeunt <span class="charname">Shallow, Slender, Page</span> and +<span class="charname">Host</span>.</i>] +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS<br/> +Ha, do I perceive dat? Have you make-a de sot of us, ha, ha? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +This is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog. I desire you that we may be +friends; and let us knog our prains together to be revenge on this same scall, +scurvy, cogging companion, the host of the Garter. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring me where is Anne Page; by gar, +he deceive me too. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you follow. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exeunt.</i>]</p> + +<h3><a name="sceneIII_23.2"></a><b>SCENE II. A street in Windsor</b></h3> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Mistress Page</span> and +<span class="charname">Robin</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Nay, keep your way, little gallant: you were wont to be a follower, but now you +are a leader. Whether had you rather lead mine eyes, or eye your master’s +heels? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +ROBIN.<br/> +I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man than follow him like a dwarf. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +O! you are a flattering boy: now I see you’ll be a courtier. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Ford</span>. </p> +<p class="drama"> +FORD<br/> +Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Ay; and as idle as she may hang together, for want of company. I think, if your +husbands were dead, you two would marry. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Be sure of that—two other husbands. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Where had you this pretty weathercock? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my husband had him of. What do you +call your knight’s name, sirrah? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +ROBIN.<br/> +Sir John Falstaff. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Sir John Falstaff! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +He, he; I can never hit on’s name. There is such a league between my good man +and he! Is your wife at home indeed? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Indeed she is. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +By your leave, sir: I am sick till I see her. +</p> + +<p class="right"> +[<i>Exeunt <span class="charname">Mrs. Page</span> and +<span class="charname">Robin</span>.</i>] +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD<br/> +Has Page any brains? Hath he any eyes? Hath he any thinking? Sure, they sleep; +he hath no use of them. Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty mile as easy +as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelve score. He pieces out his wife’s +inclination; he gives her folly motion and advantage; and now she’s going to my +wife, and Falstaff’s boy with her. A man may hear this shower sing in the wind: +and Falstaff’s boy with her! Good plots! They are laid; and our revolted wives +share damnation together. Well; I will take him, then torture my wife, pluck +the borrowed veil of modesty from the so seeming Mistress Page, divulge Page +himself for a secure and wilful Actaeon; and to these violent proceedings all +my neighbours shall cry aim. [<i>Clock strikes</i>.] The clock gives me my cue, +and my assurance bids me search; there I shall find Falstaff. I shall be rather +praised for this than mocked; for it is as positive as the earth is firm that +Falstaff is there. I will go. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Page, Shallow, Slender, Host, Sir Hugh Evans, +Caius</span> and <span class="charname">Rugby</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW, PAGE, &c<br/> +Well met, Master Ford. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Trust me, a good knot; I have good cheer at home, and I pray you all go with +me. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +I must excuse myself, Master Ford. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +And so must I, sir; we have appointed to dine with Mistress Anne, and I would +not break with her for more money than I’ll speak of. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +We have lingered about a match between Anne Page and my cousin Slender, and +this day we shall have our answer. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +I hope I have your good will, father Page. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +You have, Master Slender; I stand wholly for you. But my wife, Master doctor, +is for you altogether. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +Ay, be-gar; and de maid is love-a me: my nursh-a Quickly tell me so mush. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +What say you to young Master Fenton? He capers, he dances, he has eyes of +youth, he writes verses, he speaks holiday, he smells April and May; he will +carry ’t, he will carry ’t; ’tis in his buttons; he will carry ’t. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman is of no having: he kept +company with the wild Prince and Pointz; he is of too high a region, he knows +too much. No, he shall not knit a knot in his fortunes with the finger of my +substance; if he take her, let him take her simply; the wealth I have waits on +my consent, and my consent goes not that way. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +I beseech you, heartily, some of you go home with me to dinner: besides your +cheer, you shall have sport; I will show you a monster. Master Doctor, you +shall go; so shall you, Master Page; and you, Sir Hugh. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +Well, fare you well; we shall have the freer wooing at Master Page’s. +</p> + +<p class="right"> +[<i>Exeunt <span class="charname">Shallow</span> and +<span class="charname">Slender</span>.</i>] +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS<br/> +Go home, John Rugby; I come anon. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Rugby</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST<br/> +Farewell, my hearts; I will to my honest knight Falstaff, and drink canary with +him. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Host</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD<br/> +[<i>Aside</i>.] I think I shall drink in pipe-wine first with him. I’ll make +him dance.<br/> +Will you go, gentles? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +ALL<br/> +Have with you to see this monster. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exeunt.</i>]</p> + +<h3><a name="sceneIII_23.3"></a><b>SCENE III. A room in Ford’s house</b></h3> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Mistress Ford</span> and +<span class="charname">Mistress Page</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +What, John! what, Robert! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Quickly, quickly:—Is the buck-basket— +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +I warrant. What, Robin, I say! +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Servants</span> with a basket. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE<br/> +Come, come, come. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Here, set it down. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Give your men the charge; we must be brief. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert, be ready here hard by in the +brew-house; and when I suddenly call you, come forth, and, without any pause or +staggering, take this basket on your shoulders: that done, trudge with it in +all haste, and carry it among the whitsters in Datchet-Mead, and there empty it +in the muddy ditch close by the Thames side. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +You will do it? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +I have told them over and over; they lack no direction. Be gone, and come when +you are called. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exeunt <span class="charname">Servants</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE<br/> +Here comes little Robin. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Robin</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD<br/> +How now, my eyas-musket! what news with you? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +ROBIN.<br/> +My Master Sir John is come in at your back-door, Mistress Ford, and requests +your company. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to us? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +ROBIN.<br/> +Ay, I’ll be sworn. My master knows not of your being here, and hath threatened +to put me into everlasting liberty, if I tell you of it; for he swears he’ll +turn me away. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Thou ’rt a good boy; this secrecy of thine shall be a tailor to thee, and shall +make thee a new doublet and hose. I’ll go hide me. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Do so. Go tell thy master I am alone. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Robin</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +Mistress Page, remember you your cue. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Mistress Page</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD<br/> +Go to, then; we’ll use this unwholesome humidity, this gross watery pumpion; +we’ll teach him to know turtles from jays. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Falstaff</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF<br/> +“Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel?” Why, now let me die, for I have lived +long enough: this is the period of my ambition: O this blessed hour! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +O, sweet Sir John! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate, Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in +my wish; I would thy husband were dead. I’ll speak it before the best lord, I +would make thee my lady. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +I your lady, Sir John! Alas, I should be a pitiful lady. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Let the court of France show me such another. I see how thine eye would emulate +the diamond; thou hast the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes the +ship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire of Venetian admittance. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +A plain kerchief, Sir John; my brows become nothing else; nor that well +neither. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +By the Lord, thou art a traitor to say so: thou wouldst make an absolute +courtier; and the firm fixture of thy foot would give an excellent motion to +thy gait in a semi-circled farthingale. I see what thou wert, if Fortune thy +foe were not, Nature thy friend. Come, thou canst not hide it. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Believe me, there’s no such thing in me. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +What made me love thee? Let that persuade thee there’s something extraordinary +in thee. Come, I cannot cog and say thou art this and that, like a many of +these lisping hawthorn-buds that come like women in men’s apparel, and smell +like Bucklersbury in simple-time; I cannot; but I love thee, none but thee; and +thou deservest it. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Do not betray me, sir; I fear you love Mistress Page. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the Counter-gate, which is as +hateful to me as the reek of a lime-kiln. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Well, heaven knows how I love you; and you shall one day find it. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Keep in that mind; I’ll deserve it. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or else I could not be in that mind. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +ROBIN.<br/> +[<i>Within</i>.] Mistress Ford! Mistress Ford! here’s Mistress Page at the +door, sweating and blowing and looking wildly, and would needs speak with you +presently. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +She shall not see me; I will ensconce me behind the arras. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Pray you, do so; she’s a very tattling woman. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i><span class="charname">Falstaff</span> hides himself.</i>]</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Re-enter <span class="charname">Mistress Page</span> and +<span class="charname">Robin</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +What’s the matter? How now! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +O Mistress Ford, what have you done? You’re shamed, you are overthrown, you are +undone for ever! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +What’s the matter, good Mistress Page? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +O well-a-day, Mistress Ford! having an honest man to your husband, to give him +such cause of suspicion! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +What cause of suspicion? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +What cause of suspicion? Out upon you! how am I mistook in you! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Why, alas, what’s the matter? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Your husband’s coming hither, woman, with all the officers in Windsor, to +search for a gentleman that he says is here now in the house, by your consent, +to take an ill advantage of his absence: you are undone. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +[<i>Aside</i>.] Speak louder.<br/> +’Tis not so, I hope. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Pray heaven it be not so that you have such a man here! but ’tis most certain +your husband’s coming, with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a +one. I come before to tell you. If you know yourself clear, why, I am glad of +it; but if you have a friend here, convey, convey him out. Be not amazed; call +all your senses to you; defend your reputation, or bid farewell to your good +life for ever. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +What shall I do?—There is a gentleman, my dear friend; and I fear not mine own +shame as much as his peril: I had rather than a thousand pound he were out of +the house. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +For shame! never stand “you had rather” and “you had rather”: your husband’s +here at hand; bethink you of some conveyance; in the house you cannot hide him. +O, how have you deceived me! Look, here is a basket; if he be of any reasonable +stature, he may creep in here; and throw foul linen upon him, as if it were +going to bucking: or—it is whiting-time—send him by your two men to +Datchet-Mead. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +He’s too big to go in there. What shall I do? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +[<i>Coming forward</i>.] Let me see ’t, let me see ’t. O, let me see ’t! I’ll +in, I’ll in; follow your friend’s counsel; I’ll in. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +What, Sir John Falstaff! Are these your letters, knight? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +I love thee and none but thee; help me away: let me creep in here. I’ll never— +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>He gets into the basket; they cover him with foul linen.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE<br/> +Help to cover your master, boy. Call your men, Mistress Ford. You dissembling +knight! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +What, John! Robert! John! +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Robin</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Re-enter <span class="charname">Servants</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +Go, take up these clothes here, quickly; where’s the cowl-staff? Look how you +drumble! Carry them to the laundress in Datchet-Mead; quickly, come. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Ford, Page, Caius</span> and +<span class="charname">Sir Hugh Evans</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Pray you come near. If I suspect without cause, why then make sport at me, then +let me be your jest; I deserve it. How now, whither bear you this? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SERVANT.<br/> +To the laundress, forsooth. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Why, what have you to do whither they bear it? You were best meddle with +buck-washing. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Buck! I would I could wash myself of the buck! Buck, buck, buck! ay, buck; I +warrant you, buck; and of the season too, it shall appear. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exeunt <span class="charname">Servants</span> with the +basket.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +Gentlemen, I have dreamed tonight; I’ll tell you my dream. Here, here, here be +my keys: ascend my chambers; search, seek, find out. I’ll warrant we’ll +unkennel the fox. Let me stop this way first. [<i>Locking the door</i>.] So, +now uncape. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Good Master Ford, be contented: you wrong yourself too much. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +True, Master Page. Up, gentlemen, you shall see sport anon; follow me, +gentlemen. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Ford</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS<br/> +This is fery fantastical humours and jealousies. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +By gar, ’tis no the fashion of France; it is not jealous in France. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his search. +</p> + +<p class="right"> +[<i>Exeunt <span class="charname">Evans, Page</span> and +<span class="charname">Caius</span>.</i>] +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE<br/> +Is there not a double excellency in this? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +I know not which pleases me better, that my husband is deceived, or Sir John. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +What a taking was he in when your husband asked who was in the basket! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +I am half afraid he will have need of washing; so throwing him into the water +will do him a benefit. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all of the same strain were in the same +distress. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +I think my husband hath some special suspicion of Falstaff’s being here, for I +never saw him so gross in his jealousy till now. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +I will lay a plot to try that, and we will yet have more tricks with Falstaff: +his dissolute disease will scarce obey this medicine. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Shall we send that foolish carrion, Mistress Quickly, to him, and excuse his +throwing into the water, and give him another hope, to betray him to another +punishment? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +We will do it; let him be sent for tomorrow eight o’clock, to have amends. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Re-enter <span class="charname">Ford, Page, Caius</span> and +<span class="charname">Sir Hugh Evans</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD<br/> +I cannot find him: may be the knave bragged of that he could not compass. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +[<i>Aside to Mrs. Ford</i>.] Heard you that? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +[<i>Aside to Mrs. Page</i>.] Ay, ay, peace.—<br/> +You use me well, Master Ford, do you? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Ay, I do so. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Heaven make you better than your thoughts! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Amen! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +You do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Ay, ay; I must bear it. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +If there be any pody in the house, and in the chambers, and in the coffers, and +in the presses, heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgment! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +Be gar, nor I too; there is no bodies. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Fie, fie, Master Ford, are you not ashamed? What spirit, what devil suggests +this imagination? I would not ha’ your distemper in this kind for the wealth of +Windsor Castle. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +’Tis my fault, Master Page: I suffer for it. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +You suffer for a pad conscience. Your wife is as honest a ’omans as I will +desires among five thousand, and five hundred too. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +By gar, I see ’tis an honest woman. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Well, I promised you a dinner. Come, come, walk in the Park: I pray you pardon +me; I will hereafter make known to you why I have done this. Come, wife, come, +Mistress Page; I pray you pardon me; pray heartily, pardon me. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Let’s go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we’ll mock him. I do invite you tomorrow +morning to my house to breakfast; after, we’ll a-birding together; I have a +fine hawk for the bush. Shall it be so? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Any thing. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +If there is one, I shall make two in the company. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +If there be one or two, I shall make-a the turd. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Pray you go, Master Page. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +I pray you now, remembrance tomorrow on the lousy knave, mine host. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +Dat is good; by gar, with all my heart. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +A lousy knave! to have his gibes and his mockeries! +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exeunt.</i>]</p> + +<h3><a name="sceneIII_23.4"></a><b>SCENE IV. A room in Page’s house</b></h3> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Fenton, Anne Page</span> and +<span class="charname">Mistress Quickly</span>. <span class="charname">Mistress +Quickly</span> stands apart. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FENTON.<br/> +I see I cannot get thy father’s love;<br/> +Therefore no more turn me to him, sweet Nan. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +ANNE.<br/> +Alas! how then? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FENTON.<br/> +Why, thou must be thyself.<br/> +He doth object, I am too great of birth;<br/> +And that my state being gall’d with my expense,<br/> +I seek to heal it only by his wealth.<br/> +Besides these, other bars he lays before me,<br/> +My riots past, my wild societies;<br/> +And tells me ’tis a thing impossible<br/> +I should love thee but as a property. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +ANNE.<br/> +May be he tells you true. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FENTON.<br/> +No, heaven so speed me in my time to come!<br/> +Albeit I will confess thy father’s wealth<br/> +Was the first motive that I wooed thee, Anne:<br/> +Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more value<br/> +Than stamps in gold, or sums in sealèd bags;<br/> +And ’tis the very riches of thyself<br/> +That now I aim at. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +ANNE.<br/> +Gentle Master Fenton,<br/> +Yet seek my father’s love; still seek it, sir.<br/> +If opportunity and humblest suit<br/> +Cannot attain it, why then,—hark you hither. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>They converse apart.</i>]</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Shallow, Slender</span> and +<span class="charname">Mistress Quickly</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +Break their talk, Mistress Quickly: my kinsman shall speak for himself. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +I’ll make a shaft or a bolt on ’t. ’Slid, ’tis but venturing. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +Be not dismayed. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +No, she shall not dismay me. I care not for that, but that I am afeard. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Hark ye; Master Slender would speak a word with you. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +ANNE.<br/> +I come to him.<br/> +[<i>Aside</i>.] This is my father’s choice.<br/> +O, what a world of vile ill-favour’d faults<br/> +Looks handsome in three hundred pounds a year! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +And how does good Master Fenton? Pray you, a word with you. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +She’s coming; to her, coz. O boy, thou hadst a father! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +I had a father, Mistress Anne; my uncle can tell you good jests of him. Pray +you, uncle, tell Mistress Anne the jest how my father stole two geese out of a +pen, good uncle. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +Ay, that I do; as well as I love any woman in Gloucestershire. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +He will maintain you like a gentlewoman. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +Ay, that I will come cut and long-tail, under the degree of a squire. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +He will make you a hundred and fifty pounds jointure. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +ANNE.<br/> +Good Master Shallow, let him woo for himself. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +Marry, I thank you for it; I thank you for that good comfort. She calls you, +coz; I’ll leave you. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +ANNE.<br/> +Now, Master Slender. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +Now, good Mistress Anne.— +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +ANNE.<br/> +What is your will? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +My will! ’od’s heartlings, that’s a pretty jest indeed! I ne’er made my will +yet, I thank heaven; I am not such a sickly creature, I give heaven praise. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +ANNE.<br/> +I mean, Master Slender, what would you with me? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +Truly, for mine own part I would little or nothing with you. Your father and my +uncle hath made motions; if it be my luck, so; if not, happy man be his dole! +They can tell you how things go better than I can. You may ask your father; +here he comes. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Page</span> and +<span class="charname">Mistress Page</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE<br/> +Now, Master Slender: love him, daughter Anne.<br/> +Why, how now! what does Master Fenton here?<br/> +You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt my house:<br/> +I told you, sir, my daughter is dispos’d of. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FENTON.<br/> +Nay, Master Page, be not impatient. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Good Master Fenton, come not to my child. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +She is no match for you. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FENTON.<br/> +Sir, will you hear me? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +No, good Master Fenton.<br/> +Come, Master Shallow; come, son Slender, in.<br/> +Knowing my mind, you wrong me, Master Fenton. +</p> + +<p class="right"> +[<i>Exeunt <span class="charname">Page, Shallow</span> and +<span class="charname">Slender</span>.</i>] +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY<br/> +Speak to Mistress Page. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FENTON.<br/> +Good Mistress Page, for that I love your daughter<br/> +In such a righteous fashion as I do,<br/> +Perforce, against all checks, rebukes, and manners,<br/> +I must advance the colours of my love<br/> +And not retire: let me have your good will. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +ANNE.<br/> +Good mother, do not marry me to yond fool. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +I mean it not; I seek you a better husband. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +That’s my master, Master doctor. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +ANNE.<br/> +Alas! I had rather be set quick i’ the earth.<br/> +And bowl’d to death with turnips. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Come, trouble not yourself. Good Master Fenton,<br/> +I will not be your friend, nor enemy;<br/> +My daughter will I question how she loves you,<br/> +And as I find her, so am I affected.<br/> +Till then, farewell, sir: she must needs go in;<br/> +Her father will be angry. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FENTON.<br/> +Farewell, gentle mistress. Farewell, Nan. +</p> + +<p class="right"> +[<i>Exeunt <span class="charname">Mrs. Page</span> and +<span class="charname">Anne</span>.</i>] +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY<br/> +This is my doing now: “Nay,” said I, “will you cast away your child on a fool, +and a physician? Look on Master Fenton.” This is my doing. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FENTON.<br/> +I thank thee; and I pray thee, once tonight<br/> +Give my sweet Nan this ring. There’s for thy pains. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Now Heaven send thee good fortune! +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Fenton</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +A kind heart he hath; a woman would run through fire and water for such a kind +heart. But yet I would my master had Mistress Anne; or I would Master Slender +had her; or, in sooth, I would Master Fenton had her; I will do what I can for +them all three, for so I have promised, and I’ll be as good as my word; but +speciously for Master Fenton. Well, I must of another errand to Sir John +Falstaff from my two mistresses: what a beast am I to slack it! +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit.</i>]</p> + +<h3><a name="sceneIII_23.5"></a><b>SCENE V. A room in the Garter Inn</b></h3> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Falstaff</span> and +<span class="charname">Bardolph</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Bardolph, I say,— +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +BARDOLPH.<br/> +Here, sir. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in ’t. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Bardolph</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +Have I lived to be carried in a basket, and to be thrown in the Thames like a +barrow of butcher’s offal? Well, if I be served such another trick, I’ll have +my brains ta’en out and buttered, and give them to a dog for a new year’s gift. +The rogues slighted me into the river with as little remorse as they would have +drowned a blind bitch’s puppies, fifteen i’ the litter; and you may know by my +size that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the bottom were as deep as +hell I should down. I had been drowned but that the shore was shelvy and +shallow; a death that I abhor, for the water swells a man; and what a thing +should I have been when had been swelled! I should have been a mountain of +mummy. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Re-enter <span class="charname">Bardolph</span> with the sack. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +BARDOLPH<br/> +Here’s Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Come, let me pour in some sack to the Thames water; for my belly’s as cold as +if I had swallowed snowballs for pills to cool the reins. Call her in. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +BARDOLPH.<br/> +Come in, woman. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Mistress Quickly</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY<br/> +By your leave. I cry you mercy. Give your worship good morrow. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Take away these chalices. Go, brew me a pottle of sack finely. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +BARDOLPH.<br/> +With eggs, sir? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Simple of itself; I’ll no pullet-sperm in my brewage. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Bardolph</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +How now! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Marry, sir, I come to your worship from Mistress Ford. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Mistress Ford! I have had ford enough; I was thrown into the ford; I have my +belly full of ford. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Alas the day! good heart, that was not her fault: she does so take on with her +men; they mistook their erection. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman’s promise. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn your heart to see it. Her +husband goes this morning a-birding; she desires you once more to come to her +between eight and nine; I must carry her word quickly. She’ll make you amends, +I warrant you. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Well, I will visit her. Tell her so; and bid her think what a man is; let her +consider his frailty, and then judge of my merit. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +I will tell her. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Do so. Between nine and ten, sayest thou? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Eight and nine, sir. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Well, be gone; I will not miss her. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Peace be with you, sir. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Mistress Quickly</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF<br/> +I marvel I hear not of Master Brook; he sent me word to stay within. I like his +money well. O! here he comes. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Ford</span> disguised. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD<br/> +Bless you, sir! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Now, Master Brook, you come to know what hath passed between me and Ford’s +wife? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +That, indeed, Sir John, is my business. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Master Brook, I will not lie to you: I was at her house the hour she appointed +me. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +And how sped you, sir? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Very ill-favouredly, Master Brook. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +How so, sir? did she change her determination? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +No. Master Brook; but the peaking cornuto her husband, Master Brook, dwelling +in a continual ’larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of our encounter, +after we had embraced, kissed, protested, and, as it were, spoke the prologue +of our comedy; and at his heels a rabble of his companions, thither provoked +and instigated by his distemper, and, forsooth, to search his house for his +wife’s love. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +What! while you were there? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +While I was there. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +And did he search for you, and could not find you? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +You shall hear. As good luck would have it, comes in one Mistress Page; gives +intelligence of Ford’s approach; and, in her invention and Ford’s wife’s +distraction, they conveyed me into a buck-basket. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +A buck-basket! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +By the Lord, a buck-basket! rammed me in with foul shirts and smocks, socks, +foul stockings, greasy napkins, that, Master Brook, there was the rankest +compound of villainous smell that ever offended nostril. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +And how long lay you there? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Nay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I have suffered to bring this woman to +evil for your good. Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple of Ford’s +knaves, his hinds, were called forth by their mistress to carry me in the name +of foul clothes to Datchet-lane; they took me on their shoulders; met the +jealous knave their master in the door; who asked them once or twice what they +had in their basket. I quaked for fear lest the lunatic knave would have +searched it; but Fate, ordaining he should be a cuckold, held his hand. Well, +on went he for a search, and away went I for foul clothes. But mark the sequel, +Master Brook: I suffered the pangs of three several deaths: first, an +intolerable fright to be detected with a jealous rotten bell-wether; next, to +be compassed like a good bilbo in the circumference of a peck, hilt to point, +heel to head; and then, to be stopped in, like a strong distillation, with +stinking clothes that fretted in their own grease: think of that; a man of my +kidney, think of that, that am as subject to heat as butter; a man of continual +dissolution and thaw: it was a miracle to ’scape suffocation. And in the height +of this bath, when I was more than half stewed in grease, like a Dutch dish, to +be thrown into the Thames, and cooled, glowing hot, in that surge, like a +horse-shoe; think of that, hissing hot, think of that, Master Brook! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +In good sadness, sir, I am sorry that for my sake you have suffered all this. +My suit, then, is desperate; you’ll undertake her no more. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I have been into Thames, ere I +will leave her thus. Her husband is this morning gone a-birding; I have +received from her another embassy of meeting; ’twixt eight and nine is the +hour, Master Brook. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +’Tis past eight already, sir. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Is it? I will then address me to my appointment. Come to me at your convenient +leisure, and you shall know how I speed, and the conclusion shall be crowned +with your enjoying her: adieu. You shall have her, Master Brook; Master Brook, +you shall cuckold Ford. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Falstaff</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD<br/> +Hum! ha! Is this a vision? Is this a dream? Do I sleep? Master Ford, awake; +awake, Master Ford. There’s a hole made in your best coat, Master Ford. This +’tis to be married; this ’tis to have linen and buck-baskets! Well, I will +proclaim myself what I am; I will now take the lecher; he is at my house. He +cannot scape me; ’tis impossible he should; he cannot creep into a half-penny +purse, nor into a pepper box; but, lest the devil that guides him should aid +him, I will search impossible places. Though what I am I cannot avoid, yet to +be what I would not, shall not make me tame; if I have horns to make one mad, +let the proverb go with me; I’ll be horn-mad. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit.</i>]</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="sceneIV_23.1"></a><b>ACT IV</b></h2> + +<h3><b>SCENE I. The street</b></h3> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Mistress Page, Mistress Quickly</span> and +<span class="charname">William</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Is he at Master Ford’s already, think’st thou? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Sure he is by this; or will be presently; but truly he is very courageous mad +about his throwing into the water. Mistress Ford desires you to come suddenly. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +I’ll be with her by and by; I’ll but bring my young man here to school. Look +where his master comes; ’tis a playing day, I see. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Sir Hugh Evans</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +How now, Sir Hugh, no school today? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +No; Master Slender is let the boys leave to play. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Blessing of his heart! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Sir Hugh, my husband says my son profits nothing in the world at his book; I +pray you ask him some questions in his accidence. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Come hither, William; hold up your head; come. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Come on, sirrah; hold up your head; answer your master; be not afraid. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +William, how many numbers is in nouns? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +WILLIAM.<br/> +Two. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Truly, I thought there had been one number more, because they say “Od’s nouns.” +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Peace your tattlings! What is “fair,” William? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +WILLIAM.<br/> +Pulcher. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Polecats! There are fairer things than polecats, sure. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +You are a very simplicity ’oman; I pray you, peace. What is “lapis,” William? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +WILLIAM.<br/> +A stone. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +And what is “a stone,” William? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +WILLIAM.<br/> +A pebble. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +No, it is “lapis”; I pray you remember in your prain. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +WILLIAM.<br/> +Lapis. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +That is a good William. What is he, William, that does lend articles? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +WILLIAM.<br/> +Articles are borrowed of the pronoun, and be thus declined: Singulariter, +nominativo; hic, haec, hoc. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Nominativo, hig, hag, hog; pray you, mark: genitivo, hujus. Well, what is your +accusative case? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +WILLIAM.<br/> +Accusativo, hinc. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +I pray you, have your remembrance, child. Accusativo, hung, hang, hog. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +“Hang-hog” is Latin for bacon, I warrant you. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Leave your prabbles, ’oman. What is the focative case, William? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +WILLIAM.<br/> +O vocativo, O. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Remember, William: focative is caret. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +And that’s a good root. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +’Oman, forbear. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Peace. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +What is your genitive case plural, William? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +WILLIAM.<br/> +Genitive case? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Ay. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +WILLIAM.<br/> +Genitive: horum, harum, horum. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Vengeance of Jenny’s case; fie on her! Never name her, child, if she be a +whore. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +For shame, ’oman. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +You do ill to teach the child such words. He teaches him to hick and to hack, +which they’ll do fast enough of themselves; and to call “horum;” fie upon you! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +’Oman, art thou lunatics? Hast thou no understandings for thy cases, and the +numbers of the genders? Thou art as foolish Christian creatures as I would +desires. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Prithee, hold thy peace. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Show me now, William, some declensions of your pronouns. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +WILLIAM.<br/> +Forsooth, I have forgot. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +It is qui, quae, quod; if you forget your “quis”, your “quaes”, and your +“quods”, you must be preeches. Go your ways and play; go. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +He is a better scholar than I thought he was. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +He is a good sprag memory. Farewell, Mistress Page. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Adieu, good Sir Hugh. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Sir Hugh Evans</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +Get you home, boy. Come, we stay too long. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exeunt.</i>]</p> + +<h3><a name="sceneIV_23.2"></a><b>SCENE II. A room in Ford’s house</b></h3> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Falstaff</span> and +<span class="charname">Mistress Ford</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my sufferance. I see you are +obsequious in your love, and I profess requital to a hair’s breadth; not only, +Mistress Ford, in the simple office of love, but in all the accoutrement, +complement, and ceremony of it. But are you sure of your husband now? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +He’s a-birding, sweet Sir John. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +[<i>Within</i>.] What ho! gossip Ford, what ho! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Step into the chamber, Sir John. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Falstaff</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Mistress Page</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +How now, sweetheart! who’s at home besides yourself? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Why, none but mine own people. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Indeed! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +No, certainly.—<br/> +[<i>Aside to her</i>.] Speak louder. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Why? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Why, woman, your husband is in his old lunes again. He so takes on yonder with +my husband; so rails against all married mankind; so curses all Eve’s +daughters, of what complexion soever; and so buffets himself on the forehead, +crying “Peer out, peer out!” that any madness I ever yet beheld seemed but +tameness, civility, and patience, to this his distemper he is in now. I am glad +the fat knight is not here. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Why, does he talk of him? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Of none but him; and swears he was carried out, the last time he searched for +him, in a basket; protests to my husband he is now here; and hath drawn him and +the rest of their company from their sport, to make another experiment of his +suspicion. But I am glad the knight is not here; now he shall see his own +foolery. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +How near is he, Mistress Page? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Hard by, at street end; he will be here anon. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +I am undone! the knight is here. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Why, then, you are utterly shamed, and he’s but a dead man. What a woman are +you! Away with him, away with him! better shame than murder. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Which way should he go? How should I bestow him? Shall I put him into the +basket again? +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Re-enter <span class="charname">Falstaff</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF<br/> +No, I’ll come no more i’ the basket. May I not go out ere he come? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Alas! three of Master Ford’s brothers watch the door with pistols, that none +shall issue out; otherwise you might slip away ere he came. But what make you +here? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +What shall I do? I’ll creep up into the chimney. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +There they always use to discharge their birding-pieces. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Creep into the kiln-hole. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Where is it? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +He will seek there, on my word. Neither press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, +vault, but he hath an abstract for the remembrance of such places, and goes to +them by his note: there is no hiding you in the house. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +I’ll go out then. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +If you go out in your own semblance, you die, Sir John. Unless you go out +disguised,— +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +How might we disguise him? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Alas the day! I know not! There is no woman’s gown big enough for him; +otherwise he might put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and so escape. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Good hearts, devise something: any extremity rather than a mischief. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +My maid’s aunt, the fat woman of Brainford, has a gown above. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +On my word, it will serve him; she’s as big as he is; and there’s her thrummed +hat, and her muffler too. Run up, Sir John. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Go, go, sweet Sir John. Mistress Page and I will look some linen for your head. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Quick, quick! we’ll come dress you straight; put on the gown the while. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Falstaff</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD<br/> +I would my husband would meet him in this shape; he cannot abide the old woman +of Brainford; he swears she’s a witch, forbade her my house, and hath +threatened to beat her. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Heaven guide him to thy husband’s cudgel; and the devil guide his cudgel +afterwards! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +But is my husband coming? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Ay, in good sadness is he; and talks of the basket too, howsoever he hath had +intelligence. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +We’ll try that; for I’ll appoint my men to carry the basket again, to meet him +at the door with it as they did last time. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Nay, but he’ll be here presently; let’s go dress him like the witch of +Brainford. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +I’ll first direct my men what they shall do with the basket. Go up; I’ll bring +linen for him straight. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Mistress Ford</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE<br/> +Hang him, dishonest varlet! we cannot misuse him enough.<br/> +We’ll leave a proof, by that which we will do,<br/> +Wives may be merry and yet honest too.<br/> +We do not act that often jest and laugh;<br/> +’Tis old but true: “Still swine eats all the draff.” +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit.</i>]</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Re-enter <span class="charname">Mistress Ford</span> with two +<span class="charname">Servants</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders; your master is hard at door; +if he bid you set it down, obey him. Quickly, dispatch. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Mistress Ford</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FIRST SERVANT<br/> +Come, come, take it up. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SECOND SERVANT.<br/> +Pray heaven, it be not full of knight again. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FIRST SERVANT.<br/> +I hope not; I had lief as bear so much lead. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Ford, Page, Shallow, Caius</span> and +<span class="charname">Sir Hugh Evans</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD<br/> +Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you any way then to unfool me +again? Set down the basket, villain! Somebody call my wife. Youth in a basket! +O you panderly rascals! there’s a knot, a ging, a pack, a conspiracy against +me. Now shall the devil be shamed. What, wife, I say! Come, come forth! behold +what honest clothes you send forth to bleaching! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Why, this passes, Master Ford! you are not to go loose any longer; you must be +pinioned. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Why, this is lunatics! this is mad as a mad dog. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +So say I too, sir.— +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Re-enter <span class="charname">Mistress Ford</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +Come hither, Mistress Ford, the honest woman, the modest wife, the virtuous +creature, that hath the jealous fool to her husband! I suspect without cause, +Mistress, do I? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Heaven be my witness, you do, if you suspect me in any dishonesty. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Well said, brazen-face! hold it out. Come forth, sirrah. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Pulling clothes out of the basket.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +This passes! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Are you not ashamed? Let the clothes alone. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +I shall find you anon. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +’Tis unreasonable. Will you take up your wife’s clothes? Come away. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Empty the basket, I say! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Why, man, why? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed out of my house yesterday in +this basket: why may not he be there again? In my house I am sure he is; my +intelligence is true; my jealousy is reasonable. Pluck me out all the linen. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +If you find a man there, he shall die a flea’s death. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Here’s no man. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford; this wrongs you. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the imaginations of your own heart; +this is jealousies. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Well, he’s not here I seek for. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +No, nor nowhere else but in your brain. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i><span class="charname">Servants</span> carry away the basket.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD<br/> +Help to search my house this one time. If I find not what I seek, show no +colour for my extremity; let me for ever be your table-sport; let them say of +me “As jealous as Ford, that searched a hollow walnut for his wife’s leman.” +Satisfy me once more; once more search with me. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +What, hoa, Mistress Page! Come you and the old woman down; my husband will come +into the chamber. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Old woman? what old woman’s that? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Why, it is my maid’s aunt of Brainford. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have I not forbid her my house? She +comes of errands, does she? We are simple men; we do not know what’s brought to +pass under the profession of fortune-telling. She works by charms, by spells, +by the figure, and such daubery as this is, beyond our element. We know +nothing. Come down, you witch, you hag you; come down, I say! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Nay, good sweet husband! Good gentlemen, let him not strike the old woman. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Re-enter <span class="charname">Falstaff</span> in woman’s clothes, led by +<span class="charname">Mistress Page</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE<br/> +Come, Mother Prat; come, give me your hand. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +I’ll prat her.—[<i>Beats him</i>.] Out of my door, you witch, you rag, you +baggage, you polecat, you ronyon! Out, out! I’ll conjure you, I’ll fortune-tell +you. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Falstaff</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE<br/> +Are you not ashamed? I think you have killed the poor woman. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Nay, he will do it. ’Tis a goodly credit for you. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Hang her, witch! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS. By yea and no, I think the ’oman is a witch indeed; I like not when a +’oman has a great peard; I spy a great peard under her muffler. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you follow; see but the issue of my +jealousy; if I cry out thus upon no trail, never trust me when I open again. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Let’s obey his humour a little further. Come, gentlemen. +</p> + +<p class="right"> +[<i>Exeunt <span class="charname">Ford, Page, Shallow, Caius</span> and +<span class="charname">Evans</span>.</i>] +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE<br/> +Trust me, he beat him most pitifully. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Nay, by the mass, that he did not; he beat him most unpitifully methought. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +I’ll have the cudgel hallowed and hung o’er the altar; it hath done meritorious +service. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +What think you? May we, with the warrant of womanhood and the witness of a good +conscience, pursue him with any further revenge? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE. The spirit of wantonness is sure scared out of him; if the devil +have him not in fee-simple, with fine and recovery, he will never, I think, in +the way of waste, attempt us again. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Shall we tell our husbands how we have served him? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Yes, by all means; if it be but to scrape the figures out of your husband’s +brains. If they can find in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat knight shall +be any further afflicted, we two will still be the ministers. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +I’ll warrant they’ll have him publicly shamed; and methinks there would be no +period to the jest, should he not be publicly shamed. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Come, to the forge with it then; shape it. I would not have things cool. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exeunt.</i>]</p> + +<h3><a name="sceneIV_23.3"></a><b>SCENE III. A room in the Garter Inn</b></h3> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Host</span> and +<span class="charname">Bardolph</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +BARDOLPH.<br/> +Sir, the Germans desire to have three of your horses; the Duke himself will be +tomorrow at court, and they are going to meet him. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +What duke should that be comes so secretly? I hear not of him in the court. Let +me speak with the gentlemen; they speak English? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +BARDOLPH.<br/> +Ay, sir; I’ll call them to you. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +They shall have my horses, but I’ll make them pay; I’ll sauce them; they have +had my house a week at command; I have turned away my other guests. They must +come off; I’ll sauce them. Come. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exeunt.</i>]</p> + +<h3><a name="sceneIV_23.4"></a><b>SCENE IV. A room in Ford’s house</b></h3> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Page, Ford, Mistress Page, Mistress Ford</span> +and <span class="charname">Sir Hugh Evans</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +’Tis one of the best discretions of a ’oman as ever I did look upon. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +And did he send you both these letters at an instant? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Within a quarter of an hour. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Pardon me, wife. Henceforth, do what thou wilt;<br/> +I rather will suspect the sun with cold<br/> +Than thee with wantonness: now doth thy honour stand,<br/> +In him that was of late an heretic,<br/> +As firm as faith. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +’Tis well, ’tis well; no more.<br/> +Be not as extreme in submission<br/> +As in offence;<br/> +But let our plot go forward: let our wives<br/> +Yet once again, to make us public sport,<br/> +Appoint a meeting with this old fat fellow,<br/> +Where we may take him and disgrace him for it. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +There is no better way than that they spoke of. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +How? To send him word they’ll meet him in the park at midnight? Fie, fie! he’ll +never come! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +You say he has been thrown in the rivers; and has been grievously peaten as an +old ’oman; methinks there should be terrors in him, that he should not come; +methinks his flesh is punished; he shall have no desires. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +So think I too. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Devise but how you’ll use him when he comes,<br/> +And let us two devise to bring him thither. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +There is an old tale goes that Herne the hunter,<br/> +Sometime a keeper here in Windsor Forest,<br/> +Doth all the winter-time, at still midnight,<br/> +Walk round about an oak, with great ragg’d horns;<br/> +And there he blasts the tree, and takes the cattle,<br/> +And makes milch-kine yield blood, and shakes a chain<br/> +In a most hideous and dreadful manner:<br/> +You have heard of such a spirit, and well you know<br/> +The superstitious idle-headed eld<br/> +Received, and did deliver to our age,<br/> +This tale of Herne the hunter for a truth. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Why, yet there want not many that do fear<br/> +In deep of night to walk by this Herne’s oak.<br/> +But what of this? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Marry, this is our device;<br/> +That Falstaff at that oak shall meet with us,<br/> +Disguis’d, like Herne, with huge horns on his head. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Well, let it not be doubted but he’ll come,<br/> +And in this shape. When you have brought him thither,<br/> +What shall be done with him? What is your plot? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +That likewise have we thought upon, and thus:<br/> +Nan Page my daughter, and my little son,<br/> +And three or four more of their growth, we’ll dress<br/> +Like urchins, ouphs, and fairies, green and white,<br/> +With rounds of waxen tapers on their heads,<br/> +And rattles in their hands. Upon a sudden,<br/> +As Falstaff, she, and I, are newly met,<br/> +Let them from forth a sawpit rush at once<br/> +With some diffusèd song; upon their sight<br/> +We two in great amazèdness will fly:<br/> +Then let them all encircle him about,<br/> +And fairy-like, to pinch the unclean knight;<br/> +And ask him why, that hour of fairy revel,<br/> +In their so sacred paths he dares to tread<br/> +In shape profane. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +And till he tell the truth,<br/> +Let the supposèd fairies pinch him sound,<br/> +And burn him with their tapers. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +The truth being known,<br/> +We’ll all present ourselves; dis-horn the spirit,<br/> +And mock him home to Windsor. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +The children must<br/> +Be practis’d well to this or they’ll ne’er do ’t. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +I will teach the children their behaviours; and I will be like a jack-an-apes +also, to burn the knight with my taber. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +That will be excellent. I’ll go buy them vizards. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +My Nan shall be the Queen of all the Fairies,<br/> +Finely attired in a robe of white. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +That silk will I go buy.<br/> +[<i>Aside</i>.] And in that time<br/> +Shall Master Slender steal my Nan away,<br/> +And marry her at Eton. Go, send to Falstaff straight. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Nay, I’ll to him again, in name of Brook;<br/> +He’ll tell me all his purpose. Sure, he’ll come. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Fear not you that. Go, get us properties<br/> +And tricking for our fairies. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Let us about it. It is admirable pleasures, and fery honest knaveries. +</p> + +<p class="right"> +[<i>Exeunt <span class="charname">Page, Ford</span> and +<span class="charname">Evans</span>.</i>] +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE<br/> +Go, Mistress Ford.<br/> +Send Quickly to Sir John to know his mind. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Mrs. Ford</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +I’ll to the Doctor; he hath my good will,<br/> +And none but he, to marry with Nan Page.<br/> +That Slender, though well landed, is an idiot;<br/> +And he my husband best of all affects:<br/> +The Doctor is well money’d, and his friends<br/> +Potent at court: he, none but he, shall have her,<br/> +Though twenty thousand worthier come to crave her. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit.</i>]</p> + +<h3><a name="sceneIV_23.5"></a><b>SCENE V. A room in the Garter Inn</b></h3> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Host</span> and +<span class="charname">Simple</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +What wouldst thou have, boor? What, thick-skin? Speak, breathe, discuss; brief, +short, quick, snap. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SIMPLE.<br/> +Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff from Master Slender. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +There’s his chamber, his house, his castle, his standing-bed and truckle-bed; +’tis painted about with the story of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Go knock and +call; he’ll speak like an Anthropophaginian unto thee; knock, I say. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SIMPLE.<br/> +There’s an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his chamber; I’ll be so bold as +stay, sir, till she come down; I come to speak with her, indeed. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +Ha! a fat woman? The knight may be robbed. I’ll call. Bully knight! Bully Sir +John! Speak from thy lungs military. Art thou there? It is thine host, thine +Ephesian, calls. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +[<i>Above</i>.] How now, mine host? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +Here’s a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down of thy fat woman. Let her +descend, bully, let her descend; my chambers are honourible. Fie! privacy? fie! +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Falstaff</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF<br/> +There was, mine host, an old fat woman even now with me; but she’s gone. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SIMPLE.<br/> +Pray you, sir, was’t not the wise woman of Brainford? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Ay, marry was it, mussel-shell: what would you with her? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SIMPLE.<br/> +My master, sir, my Master Slender, sent to her, seeing her go thorough the +streets, to know, sir, whether one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain, had +the chain or no. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +I spake with the old woman about it. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SIMPLE.<br/> +And what says she, I pray, sir? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Marry, she says that the very same man that beguiled Master Slender of his +chain cozened him of it. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SIMPLE.<br/> +I would I could have spoken with the woman herself; I had other things to have +spoken with her too, from him. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +What are they? Let us know. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +Ay, come; quick. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SIMPLE.<br/> +I may not conceal them, sir. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Conceal them, or thou diest. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SIMPLE.<br/> +Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress Anne Page: to know if it were my +master’s fortune to have her or no. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +’Tis, ’tis his fortune. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SIMPLE.<br/> +What sir? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +To have her, or no. Go; say the woman told me so. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SIMPLE.<br/> +May I be bold to say so, sir? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Ay, Sir Tike; like who more bold? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SIMPLE.<br/> +I thank your worship; I shall make my master glad with these tidings. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Simple</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST<br/> +Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was there a wise woman with thee? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Ay, that there was, mine host; one that hath taught me more wit than ever I +learned before in my life; and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for +my learning. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Bardolph</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +BARDOLPH<br/> +Out, alas, sir! cozenage, mere cozenage! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +Where be my horses? Speak well of them, varletto. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +BARDOLPH.<br/> +Run away, with the cozeners; for so soon as I came beyond Eton, they threw me +off, from behind one of them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs and away, like +three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +They are gone but to meet the Duke, villain; do not say they be fled; Germans +are honest men. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Sir Hugh Evans</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS<br/> +Where is mine host? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +What is the matter, sir? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Have a care of your entertainments: there is a friend of mine come to town +tells me there is three cozen-germans that has cozened all the hosts of +Readins, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and money. I tell you for good +will, look you; you are wise, and full of gibes and vlouting-stogs, and ’tis +not convenient you should be cozened. Fare you well. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Evans</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Doctor Caius</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +Vere is mine host de Jarteer? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +Here, Master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful dilemma. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +I cannot tell vat is dat; but it is tell-a me dat you make grand preparation +for a Duke de Jamany. By my trot, dere is no duke that the court is know to +come; I tell you for good will: Adieu. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Doctor Caius</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST<br/> +Hue and cry, villain, go! Assist me, knight; I am undone. Fly, run, hue and +cry, villain; I am undone! +</p> + +<p class="right"> +[<i>Exeunt <span class="charname">Host</span> and +<span class="charname">Bardolph</span>.</i>] +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF<br/> +I would all the world might be cozened, for I have been cozened and beaten too. +If it should come to the ear of the court how I have been transformed, and how +my transformation hath been washed and cudgelled, they would melt me out of my +fat, drop by drop, and liquor fishermen’s boots with me; I warrant they would +whip me with their fine wits till I were as crest-fallen as a dried pear. I +never prospered since I forswore myself at primero. Well, if my wind were but +long enough to say my prayers, I would repent. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Mistress Quickly</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +Now! whence come you? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +From the two parties, forsooth. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +The devil take one party and his dam the other! And so they shall be both +bestowed. I have suffered more for their sakes, more than the villainous +inconstancy of man’s disposition is able to bear. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant; speciously one of them; Mistress +Ford, good heart, is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a white spot +about her. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +What tellest thou me of black and blue? I was beaten myself into all the +colours of the rainbow; and was like to be apprehended for the witch of +Brainford. But that my admirable dexterity of wit, my counterfeiting the action +of an old woman, delivered me, the knave constable had set me i’ the stocks, i’ +the common stocks, for a witch. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber; you shall hear how things go, and, +I warrant, to your content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good hearts, +what ado here is to bring you together! Sure, one of you does not serve heaven +well, that you are so crossed. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Come up into my chamber. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exeunt.</i>]</p> + +<h3><a name="sceneIV_23.6"></a><b>SCENE VI. Another room in the Garter Inn</b></h3> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Fenton</span> and +<span class="charname">Host</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +Master Fenton, talk not to me; my mind is heavy; I will give over all. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FENTON.<br/> +Yet hear me speak. Assist me in my purpose,<br/> +And, as I am a gentleman, I’ll give thee<br/> +A hundred pound in gold more than your loss. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +I will hear you, Master Fenton; and I will, at the least, keep your counsel. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FENTON.<br/> +From time to time I have acquainted you<br/> +With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page,<br/> +Who, mutually, hath answered my affection,<br/> +So far forth as herself might be her chooser,<br/> +Even to my wish. I have a letter from her<br/> +Of such contents as you will wonder at;<br/> +The mirth whereof so larded with my matter<br/> +That neither, singly, can be manifested<br/> +Without the show of both; wherein fat Falstaff<br/> +Hath a great scare: the image of the jest<br/> +I’ll show you here at large. Hark, good mine host:<br/> +Tonight at Herne’s oak, just ’twixt twelve and one,<br/> +Must my sweet Nan present the Fairy Queen;<br/> +The purpose why is here: in which disguise,<br/> +While other jests are something rank on foot,<br/> +Her father hath commanded her to slip<br/> +Away with Slender, and with him at Eton<br/> +Immediately to marry; she hath consented:<br/> +Now, sir,<br/> +Her mother, even strong against that match<br/> +And firm for Doctor Caius, hath appointed<br/> +That he shall likewise shuffle her away,<br/> +While other sports are tasking of their minds;<br/> +And at the deanery, where a priest attends,<br/> +Straight marry her: to this her mother’s plot<br/> +She seemingly obedient likewise hath<br/> +Made promise to the doctor. Now thus it rests:<br/> +Her father means she shall be all in white;<br/> +And in that habit, when Slender sees his time<br/> +To take her by the hand and bid her go,<br/> +She shall go with him: her mother hath intended<br/> +The better to denote her to the doctor,—<br/> +For they must all be mask’d and vizarded—<br/> +That quaint in green she shall be loose enrob’d,<br/> +With ribands pendent, flaring ’bout her head;<br/> +And when the doctor spies his vantage ripe,<br/> +To pinch her by the hand: and, on that token,<br/> +The maid hath given consent to go with him. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +Which means she to deceive, father or mother? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FENTON.<br/> +Both, my good host, to go along with me:<br/> +And here it rests, that you’ll procure the vicar<br/> +To stay for me at church, ’twixt twelve and one,<br/> +And in the lawful name of marrying,<br/> +To give our hearts united ceremony. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +HOST.<br/> +Well, husband your device; I’ll to the vicar.<br/> +Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FENTON.<br/> +So shall I evermore be bound to thee;<br/> +Besides, I’ll make a present recompense. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exeunt.</i>]</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="sceneV_23.1"></a><b>ACT V</b></h2> + +<h3><b>SCENE I. A room in the Garter Inn</b></h3> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Falstaff</span> and +<span class="charname">Mistress Quickly</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Prithee, no more prattling; go: I’ll hold. This is the third time; I hope good +luck lies in odd numbers. Away! go. They say there is divinity in odd numbers, +either in nativity, chance, or death. Away! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +QUICKLY.<br/> +I’ll provide you a chain, and I’ll do what I can to get you a pair of horns. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Away, I say; time wears; hold up your head, and mince. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Mrs. Quickly</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Ford</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +How now, Master Brook! Master Brook, the matter will be known tonight, or +never. Be you in the Park about midnight, at Herne’s oak, and you shall see +wonders. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as you told me you had appointed? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +I went to her, Master Brook, as you see, like a poor old man; but I came from +her, Master Brook, like a poor old woman. That same knave Ford, her husband, +hath the finest mad devil of jealousy in him, Master Brook, that ever governed +frenzy. I will tell you: he beat me grievously in the shape of a woman; for in +the shape of man, Master Brook, I fear not Goliath with a weaver’s beam, +because I know also life is a shuttle. I am in haste; go along with me; I’ll +tell you all, Master Brook. Since I plucked geese, played truant, and whipped +top, I knew not what ’twas to be beaten till lately. Follow me: I’ll tell you +strange things of this knave Ford, on whom tonight I will be revenged, and I +will deliver his wife into your hand. Follow. Strange things in hand, Master +Brook! Follow. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exeunt.</i>]</p> + +<h3><a name="sceneV_23.2"></a><b>SCENE II. Windsor Park</b></h3> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Page, Shallow</span> and +<span class="charname">Slender</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Come, come; we’ll couch i’ the castle-ditch till we see the light of our +fairies. Remember, son Slender, my daughter. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +Ay, forsooth; I have spoke with her, and we have a nay-word how to know one +another. I come to her in white and cry “mum”; she cries “budget,” and by that +we know one another. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SHALLOW.<br/> +That’s good too; but what needs either your “mum” or her “budget”? The white +will decipher her well enough. It hath struck ten o’clock. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +The night is dark; light and spirits will become it well. Heaven prosper our +sport! No man means evil but the devil, and we shall know him by his horns. +Let’s away; follow me. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exeunt.</i>]</p> + +<h3><a name="sceneV_23.3"></a><b>SCENE III. The street in Windsor</b></h3> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Mistress Page, Mistress Ford</span> and +<span class="charname">Doctor Caius</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Master Doctor, my daughter is in green; when you see your time, take her by the +hand, away with her to the deanery, and dispatch it quickly. Go before into the +Park; we two must go together. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +I know vat I have to do; adieu. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Fare you well, sir. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Caius</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +My husband will not rejoice so much at the abuse of Falstaff as he will chafe +at the doctor’s marrying my daughter; but ’tis no matter; better a little +chiding than a great deal of heart break. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Where is Nan now, and her troop of fairies, and the Welsh devil, Hugh? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +They are all couched in a pit hard by Herne’s oak, with obscured lights; which, +at the very instant of Falstaff’s and our meeting, they will at once display to +the night. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +That cannot choose but amaze him. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +If he be not amazed, he will be mocked; if he be amazed, he will every way be +mocked. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +We’ll betray him finely. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Against such lewdsters and their lechery,<br/> +Those that betray them do no treachery. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +The hour draws on: to the oak, to the oak! +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exeunt.</i>]</p> + +<h3><a name="sceneV_23.4"></a><b>SCENE IV. Windsor Park</b></h3> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Sir Hugh Evans</span> disguised, with others as Fairies. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Trib, trib, fairies; come; and remember your parts. Be pold, I pray you; follow +me into the pit; and when I give the watch-ords, do as I pid you. Come, come; +trib, trib. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exeunt.</i>]</p> + +<h3><a name="sceneV_23.5"></a><b>SCENE V. Another part of the Park</b></h3> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Falstaff</span> disguised as +<span class="charname">Herne</span> with a buck’s head on. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +The Windsor bell hath struck twelve; the minute draws on. Now the hot-blooded +gods assist me! Remember, Jove, thou wast a bull for thy Europa; love set on +thy horns. O powerful love! that in some respects, makes a beast a man; in some +other a man a beast. You were also, Jupiter, a swan, for the love of Leda. O +omnipotent love! how near the god drew to the complexion of a goose! A fault +done first in the form of a beast; O Jove, a beastly fault! and then another +fault in the semblance of a fowl: think on’t, Jove, a foul fault! When gods +have hot backs what shall poor men do? For me, I am here a Windsor stag; and +the fattest, I think, i’ the forest. Send me a cool rut-time, Jove, or who can +blame me to piss my tallow? Who comes here? my doe? +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Mistress Ford</span> and +<span class="charname">Mistress Page</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD<br/> +Sir John! Art thou there, my deer? my male deer? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +My doe with the black scut! Let the sky rain potatoes; let it thunder to the +tune of “Greensleeves”; hail kissing-comfits and snow eringoes; let there come +a tempest of provocation, I will shelter me here. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Embracing her.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD<br/> +Mistress Page is come with me, sweetheart. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Divide me like a brib’d buck, each a haunch; I will keep my sides to myself, my +shoulders for the fellow of this walk, and my horns I bequeath your husbands. +Am I a woodman, ha? Speak I like Herne the hunter? Why, now is Cupid a child of +conscience; he makes restitution. As I am a true spirit, welcome! +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Noise within.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE<br/> +Alas! what noise? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Heaven forgive our sins! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +What should this be? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Away, away! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Away, away! +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>They run off.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF<br/> +I think the devil will not have me damned, lest the oil that’s in me should set +hell on fire; he would never else cross me thus. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Sir Hugh Evans</span> like a Satyr, <span +class="charname">Pistol</span> as a Hobgoblin, <span class="charname">Anne +Page</span> as the the Fairy Queen, attended by her Brothers and Others, as +fairies, with waxen tapers on their heads. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +ANNE<br/> +Fairies, black, grey, green, and white,<br/> +You moonshine revellers, and shades of night,<br/> +You orphan heirs of fixèd destiny,<br/> +Attend your office and your quality.<br/> +Crier Hobgoblin, make the fairy oyes. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PISTOL.<br/> +Elves, list your names: silence, you airy toys!<br/> +Cricket, to Windsor chimneys shalt thou leap:<br/> +Where fires thou find’st unrak’d, and hearths unswept,<br/> +There pinch the maids as blue as bilberry:<br/> +Our radiant Queen hates sluts and sluttery. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +They are fairies; he that speaks to them shall die:<br/> +I’ll wink and couch: no man their works must eye. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Lies down upon his face.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS<br/> +Where’s Bede? Go you, and where you find a maid<br/> +That, ere she sleep, has thrice her prayers said,<br/> +Rein up the organs of her fantasy,<br/> +Sleep she as sound as careless infancy;<br/> +But those as sleep and think not on their sins,<br/> +Pinch them, arms, legs, backs, shoulders, sides, and shins. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +ANNE.<br/> +About, about!<br/> +Search Windsor castle, elves, within and out:<br/> +Strew good luck, ouphes, on every sacred room,<br/> +That it may stand till the perpetual doom,<br/> +In state as wholesome as in state ’tis fit,<br/> +Worthy the owner and the owner it.<br/> +The several chairs of order look you scour<br/> +With juice of balm and every precious flower:<br/> +Each fair instalment, coat, and several crest,<br/> +With loyal blazon, evermore be blest!<br/> +And nightly, meadow-fairies, look you sing,<br/> +Like to the Garter’s compass, in a ring:<br/> +The expressure that it bears, green let it be,<br/> +More fertile-fresh than all the field to see;<br/> +And “Honi soit qui mal y pense” write<br/> +In emerald tufts, flowers purple, blue and white;<br/> +Like sapphire, pearl, and rich embroidery,<br/> +Buckled below fair knighthood’s bending knee.<br/> +Fairies use flowers for their charactery.<br/> +Away! disperse! But, till ’tis one o’clock,<br/> +Our dance of custom round about the oak<br/> +Of Herne the hunter let us not forget. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Pray you, lock hand in hand; yourselves in order set;<br/> +And twenty glow-worms shall our lanterns be,<br/> +To guide our measure round about the tree.<br/> +But, stay; I smell a man of middle-earth. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Heavens defend me from that Welsh fairy, lest he transform me to a piece of +cheese! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PISTOL.<br/> +Vile worm, thou wast o’erlook’d even in thy birth. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +ANNE.<br/> +With trial-fire touch me his finger-end:<br/> +If he be chaste, the flame will back descend<br/> +And turn him to no pain; but if he start,<br/> +It is the flesh of a corrupted heart. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PISTOL.<br/> +A trial! come. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Come, will this wood take fire? +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>They burn him with their tapers.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF<br/> +Oh, oh, oh! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +ANNE.<br/> +Corrupt, corrupt, and tainted in desire!<br/> +About him, fairies; sing a scornful rhyme;<br/> +And, as you trip, still pinch him to your time.<br/> +SONG. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +Fie on sinful fantasy!<br/> +Fie on lust and luxury!<br/> +Lust is but a bloody fire,<br/> +Kindled with unchaste desire,<br/> +Fed in heart, whose flames aspire,<br/> +As thoughts do blow them, higher and higher.<br/> +Pinch him, fairies, mutually;<br/> +Pinch him for his villany;<br/> +Pinch him and burn him and turn him about,<br/> +Till candles and star-light and moonshine be out. +</p> + +<p class="right"> +[<i>During this song the Fairies pinch <span class="charname">Falstaff. Doctor +Caius</span> comes one way, and steals away a fairy in green; <span +class="charname">Slender</span> another way, and takes off a fairy in white; +and <span class="charname">Fenton</span> comes, and steals away <span +class="charname">Anne Page</span>. A noise of hunting is heard within. All the +fairies run away. <span class="charname">Falstaff</span> pulls off his buck’s +head, and rises.</i>] +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Page, Ford, Mistress Page, Mistress Ford.</span> +They lay hold on <span class="charname">Falstaff</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Nay, do not fly; I think we have watch’d you now:<br/> +Will none but Herne the hunter serve your turn? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +I pray you, come, hold up the jest no higher.<br/> +Now, good Sir John, how like you Windsor wives?<br/> +See you these, husband? do not these fair yokes<br/> +Become the forest better than the town? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Now, sir, who’s a cuckold now? Master Brook, Falstaff’s a knave, a cuckoldly +knave; here are his horns, Master Brook; and, Master Brook, he hath enjoyed +nothing of Ford’s but his buck-basket, his cudgel, and twenty pounds of money, +which must be paid to Master Brook; his horses are arrested for it, Master +Brook. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Sir John, we have had ill luck; we could never meet. I will never take you for +my love again; but I will always count you my deer. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +I do begin to perceive that I am made an ass. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Ay, and an ox too; both the proofs are extant. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +And these are not fairies? I was three or four times in the thought they were +not fairies; and yet the guiltiness of my mind, the sudden surprise of my +powers, drove the grossness of the foppery into a received belief, in despite +of the teeth of all rhyme and reason, that they were fairies. See now how wit +may be made a Jack-a-Lent when ’tis upon ill employment! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Sir John Falstaff, serve Got, and leave your desires, and fairies will not +pinse you. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Well said, fairy Hugh. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +And leave you your jealousies too, I pray you. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +I will never mistrust my wife again, till thou art able to woo her in good +English. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Have I laid my brain in the sun, and dried it, that it wants matter to prevent +so gross o’er-reaching as this? Am I ridden with a Welsh goat too? Shall I have +a cox-comb of frieze? ’Tis time I were choked with a piece of toasted cheese. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Seese is not good to give putter: your belly is all putter. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +“Seese” and “putter”! Have I lived to stand at the taunt of one that makes +fritters of English? This is enough to be the decay of lust and late-walking +through the realm. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Why, Sir John, do you think, though we would have thrust virtue out of our +hearts by the head and shoulders, and have given ourselves without scruple to +hell, that ever the devil could have made you our delight? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +What, a hodge-pudding? a bag of flax? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +A puffed man? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Old, cold, withered, and of intolerable entrails? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +And one that is as slanderous as Satan? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +And as poor as Job? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +And as wicked as his wife? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +And given to fornications, and to taverns, and sack and wine, and metheglins, +and to drinkings and swearings and starings, pribbles and prabbles? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +Well, I am your theme; you have the start of me; I am dejected; I am not able +to answer the Welsh flannel. Ignorance itself is a plummet o’er me; use me as +you will. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Marry, sir, we’ll bring you to Windsor, to one Master Brook, that you have +cozened of money, to whom you should have been a pander: over and above that +you have suffered, I think to repay that money will be a biting affliction. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. FORD.<br/> +Nay, husband, let that go to make amends;<br/> +Forget that sum, so we’ll all be friends. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Well, here’s my hand: all is forgiven at last. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Yet be cheerful, knight; thou shalt eat a posset tonight at my house; where I +will desire thee to laugh at my wife, that now laughs at thee. Tell her, Master +Slender hath married her daughter. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +[<i>Aside</i>.] Doctors doubt that; if Anne Page be my daughter, she is, by +this, Doctor Caius’ wife. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Slender</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER<br/> +Whoa, ho! ho! father Page! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Son, how now! how now, son! have you dispatched? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +Dispatched! I’ll make the best in Gloucestershire know on’t; would I were +hanged, la, else! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Of what, son? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +I came yonder at Eton to marry Mistress Anne Page, and she’s a great lubberly +boy: if it had not been i’ the church, I would have swinged him, or he should +have swinged me. If I did not think it had been Anne Page, would I might never +stir! and ’tis a postmaster’s boy. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Upon my life, then, you took the wrong. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +What need you tell me that? I think so, when I took a boy for a girl. If I had +been married to him, for all he was in woman’s apparel, I would not have had +him. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Why, this is your own folly. Did not I tell you how you should know my daughter +by her garments? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +SLENDER.<br/> +I went to her in white and cried “mum” and she cried “budget” as Anne and I had +appointed; and yet it was not Anne, but a postmaster’s boy. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +EVANS.<br/> +Jeshu! Master Slender, cannot you see put marry poys? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +O I am vexed at heart: what shall I do? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Good George, be not angry: I knew of your purpose; turned my daughter into +green; and, indeed, she is now with the doctor at the deanery, and there +married. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Doctor Caius</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS<br/> +Vere is Mistress Page? By gar, I am cozened; I ha’ married un garçon, a +boy; un paysan, by gar, a boy; it is not Anne Page; by gar, I am cozened. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Why, did you take her in green? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +CAIUS.<br/> +Ay, by gar, and ’tis a boy: by gar, I’ll raise all Windsor. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit <span class="charname">Doctor Caius</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD<br/> +This is strange. Who hath got the right Anne? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +My heart misgives me; here comes Master Fenton. +</p> + +<p class="scenedesc"> +Enter <span class="charname">Fenton</span> and +<span class="charname">Anne Page</span>. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +How now, Master Fenton! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +ANNE.<br/> +Pardon, good father! good my mother, pardon! +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Now, Mistress, how chance you went not with Master Slender? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Why went you not with Master Doctor, maid? +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FENTON.<br/> +You do amaze her: hear the truth of it.<br/> +You would have married her most shamefully,<br/> +Where there was no proportion held in love.<br/> +The truth is, she and I, long since contracted,<br/> +Are now so sure that nothing can dissolve us.<br/> +The offence is holy that she hath committed,<br/> +And this deceit loses the name of craft,<br/> +Of disobedience, or unduteous title,<br/> +Since therein she doth evitate and shun<br/> +A thousand irreligious cursèd hours,<br/> +Which forcèd marriage would have brought upon her. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Stand not amaz’d: here is no remedy:<br/> +In love, the heavens themselves do guide the state:<br/> +Money buys lands, and wives are sold by fate. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +I am glad, though you have ta’en a special stand to strike at me, that your +arrow hath glanced. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +PAGE.<br/> +Well, what remedy?—Fenton, heaven give thee joy!<br/> +What cannot be eschew’d must be embrac’d. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FALSTAFF.<br/> +When night-dogs run, all sorts of deer are chas’d. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +MRS. PAGE.<br/> +Well, I will muse no further. Master Fenton,<br/> +Heaven give you many, many merry days!<br/> +Good husband, let us everyone go home,<br/> +And laugh this sport o’er by a country fire;<br/> +Sir John and all. +</p> + +<p class="drama"> +FORD.<br/> +Let it be so. Sir John,<br/> +To Master Brook you yet shall hold your word;<br/> +For he, tonight, shall lie with Mistress Ford. +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exeunt.</i>]</p> + </div><!--end chapter--> <div class="chapter"> |