diff options
| -rw-r--r-- | .gitattributes | 3 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 10014-0.txt | 2435 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 10014-h/10014-h.htm | 3031 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 10014-h/images/01.jpg | bin | 0 -> 209834 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 10014-h/images/04.jpg | bin | 0 -> 32136 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 10014-h/images/05.jpg | bin | 0 -> 139641 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 10014-h/images/06a.jpg | bin | 0 -> 34037 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 10014-h/images/06b.jpg | bin | 0 -> 38329 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 10014-h/images/07a.jpg | bin | 0 -> 32508 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 10014-h/images/07b.jpg | bin | 0 -> 69917 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 10014-h/images/08.jpg | bin | 0 -> 157665 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 10014-h/images/09.jpg | bin | 0 -> 179484 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 10014-h/images/12.jpg | bin | 0 -> 60605 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 10014-h/images/13.jpg | bin | 0 -> 22256 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 10014-h/images/14.jpg | bin | 0 -> 38026 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 10014-h/images/16.jpg | bin | 0 -> 104761 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | LICENSE.txt | 11 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | README.md | 2 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/10014-8.txt | 2858 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/10014-8.zip | bin | 0 -> 48396 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/10014-h.zip | bin | 0 -> 1168960 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/10014-h/10014-h.htm | 3476 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/10014-h/images/01.jpg | bin | 0 -> 209834 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/10014-h/images/04.jpg | bin | 0 -> 32136 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/10014-h/images/05.jpg | bin | 0 -> 139641 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/10014-h/images/06a.jpg | bin | 0 -> 34037 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/10014-h/images/06b.jpg | bin | 0 -> 38329 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/10014-h/images/07a.jpg | bin | 0 -> 32508 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/10014-h/images/07b.jpg | bin | 0 -> 69917 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/10014-h/images/08.jpg | bin | 0 -> 157665 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/10014-h/images/09.jpg | bin | 0 -> 179484 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/10014-h/images/12.jpg | bin | 0 -> 60605 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/10014-h/images/13.jpg | bin | 0 -> 22256 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/10014-h/images/14.jpg | bin | 0 -> 38026 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/10014-h/images/16.jpg | bin | 0 -> 104761 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/10014.txt | 2858 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/10014.zip | bin | 0 -> 48381 bytes |
37 files changed, 14674 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/10014-0.txt b/10014-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..32042a3 --- /dev/null +++ b/10014-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2435 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10014 *** + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO", | + | | + | to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent post-paid, | + | on receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | J.M. SPRAGUE | + | | + | Is the Authorized Agent of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | For the | + | | + | New England States, | + | | + | To Procure Subscriptions, | + | and to Employ Canvassers. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and | + | cheaper than any other Pen in the market. Special attention | + | is called to the following grades, as being better suited | + | for business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | | + | we recommend for Bank and Office use. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | Sole Agents for United States. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +Vol. I. No. 18 + +PUNCHINELLO + + +SATURDAY, JULY 30, 1870. + + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, +By ORPHEUS C. KERR, +Continued in this Number. + + +[Sidenote: See 15th Page for Extra Premiums.] + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO". | + | | + | SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO | + | | + | J. NICKINSON | + | | + | ROOM NO. 4, | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A NEW AND MUCH-NEEDED BOOK. | + | | + | MATERNITY. | + | | + | A POPULAR TREATISE | + | | + | For Young Wives and Mothers. | + | | + | BY T.S. VERDI, A.M., M.D., OF WASHINGTON, D.C. | + | | + | | + | DR. VERDI is a well-known and successful Homoeopathic | + | Practitioner, of thorough scientific training and large | + | experience. His book has arisen from a want felt in his own | + | practice, as a Monitor to Young Wives, a Guide to Young | + | Mothers, and an assistant to the family physician. It deals | + | skilfully, sensibly, and delicately with the perplexities of | + | early married life, as connected with the holy duties of | + | Maternity, giving information which women must have, either | + | in conversation with physicians, or from such a source as | + | this--evidently the preferable mode of learning, for a | + | delicate and sensitive woman. Plain and intelligible, but | + | without offense to the most fastidious taste, the style of | + | this book must commend it to careful perusal. It treats of | + | the needs, dangers, and alleviations of the time of travail; | + | and gives extended detailed instructions for the care and | + | medical treatment of infants and children throughout all the | + | perils of early life. | + | | + | As a Mother's Manual, it will have a large sale, and as a | + | book of special and reliable information on very important | + | topics, it will be heartily welcomed. | + | | + | Handsomely printed on laid paper: bevelled boards, extra | + | English cloth, 12mo., 450 pages. Price $2.25. | + | | + | _For sale by all Booksellers, or will be sent post-paid on | + | receipt of the price by_ | + | | + | J.B. FORD & CO., Publishers, | + | 39 Park Row, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | What it is Not. | + | | + | | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | | + |Merely a small student's sheet, But is the largest in N.E.| + |Merely of interest to college men, But to every one, | + |Merely a COLLEGE paper, But is a scientific paper,| + |Merely a local paper, But is cosmopolitan, | + |Merely scientific and educational, But is literary, | + |An experiment, But an established weekly | + |Conducted by students, But by graduates, | + |Stale and dry, But fresh and interesting | + | | + | It circulates in every College. | + | It circulates in every Professional School. | + | It circulates in every Preparatory School. | + | It circulates in every State in the United States. | + | It circulates in every civilized country. | + | It circulates among all College men. | + | It circulates among all Scientific men. | + | It circulates among the educated everywhere. | + | | + | July 1st a new volume commences. | + | July 1st 10,000 new subscribers wanted. | + | July 1st excellent illustrations will appear. | + | July 1st 10,000 specimen copies to be issued. | + | July 1st is a good time to subscribe. | + | July 1st or any time send stamp for a copy. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + |One year, in advance, - - - - - - - $4.00| + |Single copies (for sale by all newsdealers), - - .10| + | | + | Address | + | THE COLLEGE COURANT, | + | New Haven, Conn. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | NEWS DEALERS. | + | | + | ON | + | | + | RAILROADS, | + | | + | STEAMBOATS, | + | | + | And at WATERING PLACES, | + | | + | Will find the Monthly Numbers of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | For April, May, June, and July, an attractive and Saleable | + | Work. | + | | + | Single Copies Price 50 cts. | + | | + | For trade price address American News Co., or | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING & CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | TO NEWS-DEALER. | + | | + | Punchinello's Monthly. | + | | + | The Weekly Numbers for June, | + | | + | Bound in a Handsome Cover, | + | | + | Is now ready. Price Fifty Cents. | + | | + | THE TRADE | + | | + | Supplied by the | + | | + | AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, | + | | + | Who are now prepared to receive Orders. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | J. NICKINSON | + | | + | Begs to announce to the friends of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has | + | made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of | + | | + | ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED, | + | | + | the same will be forwarded, postage paid. | + | | + | Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing | + | Houses, can have the same forwarded by inclosing two | + | Stamps. | + | | + | OFFICE OF | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WEVILL & HAMMAR, | + | | + | Wood Engravers, | + | | + | 208 Broadway, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bowling Green Savings-Bank | + | | + | 33 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + | | + | Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M. | + | | + | | + | _Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents to Ten Thousand | + | Dollars will be received_. | + | | + | | + | Six per Cent interest, Free of Government Tax | + | | + | Commences on the First of every Month. | + | | + | | + | HENRY SMITH, _President_ | + | | + | REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary_. | + | | + | WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, _Vice-Presidents_. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FORST & AVERELL | + | | + | Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Pres | + | | + | PRINTERS, | + | | + | EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL | + | MANUFACTURERS. | + | | + | | + | Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application. | + | | + | | + | 23 Platt Street, and | + | 20-22 Gold Street, | + | [P.O. Box 2845.] | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | DIBBLEEANIA | + | | + | AND | + | | + | Japonica Juice, | + | | + | FOR THE HAIR. | + | | + | The most effective Soothing and Stimulating Compounds | + | ever offered to the public for the | + | | + | Removal of Scurf, Dandruff, &c. | + | | + | For consultation, apply at | + | | + | WILLIAM DIBBLEE'S, | + | | + | Ladies' Hair Dresser and Wig Maker. | + | | + | 854 BROADWAY, N.Y. City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FOLEY'S | + | | + | GOLD PENS. | + | | + | THE BEST AND CHEAPEST. | + | | + | 256 BROADWAY. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | $2 to ALBANY and TROY. | + | | + | The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and | + | Daniel Drew, commencing May 31, will leave | + | Vestry st. Pier at 8.45, and Thirty-fourth st. at 9 a.m., | + | landing at Yonkers, (Nyack, and Tarrytown | + | by ferry-boat), Cozzens, West Point, Cornwall, | + | Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, | + | Bristol, Catskill, Hudson, and New-Baltimore. | + | A special train of broad-gauge cars | + | in connection with the day boats will leave on arrival | + | at Albany (commencing June 20) for Sharon | + | Springs. Fare $4.25 from New York and for | + | Cherry Valley. The Steamboat Seneca will transfer | + | passengers from Albany to Troy. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | ESTABLISHED 1866. | + | JAS R. NICHOLS, M.D. WM. J. ROLFE. A.M. | + | Editors | + | | + | | + | Boston Journal of Chemistry. | + | | + | | + | Devoted to the Science of | + | HOME LIFE, | + | The Arts, Agriculture, and Medicine. | + | $1.00 Per Year. | + | _Journal and Punchinello (without Premium)._ $4.00 | + | | + | | + | SEND FOR SPECIMEN-COPY | + | Address--JOURNAL OF CHEMISTRY, | + | 150 CONGRESS STREET, BOSTON. | + | | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY L. STEPHENS, | + | | + | ARTIST, | + | | + | No. 160 FULTON STREET, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | GEO. B. BOWLEND, | + | | + | Draughtsman & Designer | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | Room No. 11, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District +court of the United States, for the Southern District of New York. + + * * * * * + +THE +MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +AN ADAPTATION, + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + +CHAPTER XII. + +A NIGHT OF IT WITH MCLAUGHLIN. + +Judge SWEENEY, with a certain supercilious consciousness that he is +figuring in a novel, and that it will not do for him to thwart the +eccentricities of mysterious fiction by any commonplace deference to the +mere meteorological weaknesses of ordinary human nature, does not allow +the fact that late December is a rather bleak and cold time of year to +deter him from taking daily airings in the neighborhood of the +Ritualistic churchyard. Since the inscription of his epitaph on his late +wife upon her monument therein, the churchyard is to him a kind of +ponderous work of imagination with marble leaves, to which he has +contributed the most brilliant chapter; and when he sees any stranger +hovering about a part of the outer railings from whence the inscription +may be read, it is with all the swelling pride of an author who, having +procured the publication of some dreary article in a magazine, is thrown +into an ecstacy of vanity if he sees but one person glance at that +number of the periodical on a news-stand. + +Since his first meeting with Mr. BUMSTEAD, on the evening of the +epitaph-reading, Judge SWEENEY has cultivated that gentleman's +acquaintance, and been received at his lodgings several times with +considerable cordiality and lemon-tea. On such occasions, Mr. BUMSTEAD, +in his musical capacity, has sung so closely in Judge SWEENEY'S ear as +to tickle him, a wild and slightly incoherent Ritualistic stave, to the +effect that Saint PETER'S of Rome, with pontifical dome, would by ballot +Infallible be; but for making Call sure, and Election secure, Saint +Repeater's of Rum beats the See. With finger in ear to allay the +tickling sensation, JUDGE SWEENEY declares that this young man smelling +of cloves is a person of great intellectual attainments, and understands +the political genius of his country well enough to make an excellent +Judge of Election. + +Walking slowly near the churchyard on this particular freezing December +evening, with his hands behind his bank, and his eyes intent for any +envious husband who may be "with a rush retiring," monumentally +counselled, after reading the Epitaph, Judge SWEENEY suddenly comes upon +Father DEAN conversing with SMYTHE, the sexton, and Mr. BUMSTEAD. Bowing +to these three, who, like himself, seem to find real luxury in open-air +strolling on a bitter night in midwinter, he notices that his model, the +Ritual Rector, is wearing a new hat, like Cardinal's, only black, and is +immediately lost in wondering where he can obtain one like it short of +Rome. + +"You look so much like an author, Mr. BUMSTEAD, in having no overcoat, +wearing your paper collar upside down, and carrying a pen behind your +ear," Father DEAN is saying, "that I can almost fancy you are about to +write a book about us. Well, Bumsteadville is just the place to furnish +a nice, dry, inoffensive domestic novel in the sedative vein." + +After two or three ineffectual efforts to seize the end of it, which he +seems to think is an inch or two higher than its actual position, Mr. +BUMSTEAD finally withdraws from between his right ear and head a long +and neatly cut hollow straw. + +"This is not a pen, Holy Father," he answers, after a momentary glance +of majestic severity at Mr. SMYTHE, who has laughed. "It is only a +simple instrument which I use, as a species of syphon, in certain +chemical experiments with sliced tropical fruit and glass-ware. In the +precipitation of lemon-slices into cut crystal, it is necessary for the +liquid medium to be exhausted gradually; and, after using this cylinder +of straw for the purpose about an hour ago, I must have placed it behind +my ear in a moment of absent-mindedness." + +"Ah, I see," said Father DEAN, although he didn't. "But what is this, +Judge SWEENEY, respecting your introduction of MCLAUGHLIN to Mr. +BUMSTEAD, which I have heard about?" + +"Why, your Reverence, I consider JOHN MCLAUGHLIN a Character," responds +the Judge, "and thought our young friend of the organ-loft might like to +study him." + +"The truth is," explains Mr. BUMSTEAD, "that Judge SWEENEY put into my +head to do a few pauper graves with JOHN MCLAUGHLIN, some moonlight +night, for the mere oddity and dampness of the thing.--And I should +regret to believe," added Mr. BUMSTEAD, raising his voice as saw that +the judiciary was about to interrupt--"And I should really be loathe to +believe that Judge SWEENEY was not perfectly sober when he did so." + +"Oh, yes--certainly--I remember--to be sure," exclaims the Judge, in +great haste; alarmed into speedy assent by the construction which he +perceives would be put upon a denial. "I remember it very distinctly. I +remember putting it into your head--by the tumblerful, if I remember +rightly." + +"Profiting by your advice," continues Mr. BUMSTEAD, oblivious to the +last sentence, I am going out to-night, in search of the moist and +picturesque, with JOHN MCLAUGHLIN--" + +"Who is here," says Father DEAN. + +OLD MORTARITY, dinner-kettle in hand and more mortary than ever, indeed +seen approaching them with shuffling gait. Bowing to the Holy Father, he +is about to pass on, when Judge SWEENEY stops him with-- + +"You must be very careful with your friend, BUMSTEAD, this evening, JOHN +MCLAUGHLIN, and see that he don't fall and break his neck." + +"Never you worry about Mr. BUMSTEAD, Judge," growls OLD MORTARITY. "He +can walk further off the perpendicklar without tumbling than any +gentleman I ever see." + +"Of course I can, JOHN MCLAUGHLIN," says Mr. BUMSTEAD, checking another +unseemly laugh of Mr. SMYTHE'S with a dreadful frown. "I often practice +walking sideways, for the purpose of developing the muscles on that +side. The left side is always the weaker, and the hip a trifle lower, if +one does not counteract the difference by walking sideways +occasionally." + +A great deal of unnecessary coughing, which follows this physiological +exposition, causes Mr. BUMSTEAD to breathe hard at them all for a +moment, and tread with great malignity upon Mr. SMYTHE'S nearest corn. + +While yet the sexton is groaning, OLD MORTARITY whispers to the +Ritualistic organist that he will be ready for him at the appointed hour +to-night, and shuffles away. After which Mr. BUMSTEAD, with the I hollow +straw sticking out fiercely from his ear, privately offers to see Father +DEAN home if he feels at all dizzy; and, being courteously refused, +retires down the turnpike toward his own lodgings with military +precision of step. + +When night falls upon the earth like a drop of ink upon the word Sun, +and the stars glitter like the points of so many poised gold pens all +ready to write the softer word Moon above the blot, the organist of St. +Cow's sits in his own room, where his fire keeps-up a kind of aspenish +twilight, and executes upon his accordeon a series of wild and mutilated +airs. The moistened towel which he often wears when at home is turbaned +upon his head, causing him to present a somewhat Turkish appearance; and +as, when turning a particularly complicated corner in an air, it is his +artistic habit to hold his tongue between his teeth, twist his head in +sympathy with the elaborate fingering, and involuntarily lift one foot +higher and higher from the floor as some skittish note frantically +dodges to evade him, his general musical aspect at his own hearth is +that of a partially Oriental gentleman, agonizingly laboring to cast +from him some furious animal full of strange sounds. Thus engaging in +desperate single combat with what, for making a ferocious fight before +any recognizable tune can he rescued from it, is, perhaps, the most +exhausting instrument known to evening amateurs and maddened +neighborhoods, Mr. BUMSTEAD passes three athletic hours. At the end of +that time, after repeatedly tripping-up its exasperated organist over +wrong keys in the last bar, the accordeon finally relinquishes the +concluding note with a dismal whine of despair, and retires in complete +collapse to its customary place of waiting. Then the conquering +performer changes his towel for a hat which would look better if it had +not been so often worn in bed, places an antique black bottle in one +pocket of his coat and a few cloves in the other; hangs an unlighted +lantern before him by a cord passing about his neck, and, with his +umbrella under his arm, goes softly down stairs and out of the house. + +Repairing to the marble-yard and home of OLD MORTARITY, which are on the +outskirts of Bumsteadville, he wanders through mortar-heaps, monuments +brought for repair, and piles of bricks, toward a whitewashed residence +of small demensions with a light at the window. + +"JOHN McLAUGHLIN, ahoy!" + +In response, the master of the mansion promptly opens the door, and it +is then perceptible that his basement, parlor, spare-bedroom and attic +are all on one floor, and that a couple of pigs are spending the season +with him. Showing his visitor into this ingeniously condensed +establishment, he induces the pigs to retire to a corner, and then dons +his hat. + +"Are you ready, JOHN MCLAUGHLIN?" + +"Please the pigs, I am, Mr. BUMSTEAD," answers MCLAUGHLIN, taking down +from a hook a lantern, which, like his companion's, he hangs from his +neck by a cord. "My spirits is equal to any number of ghosts to-night, +sir, if we meet 'em." + +"Spirits!" ejaculates the Ritualistic organist, shifting his umbrella +for a moment while he hurriedly draws the antique bottle from his +pocket. "You're nervous to-night, J. MCLAUGHLIN, and need a little of +the venerable JAMES AKER'S West Indian Restorative.--I'll try it first +to make sure that I haven't mistaken the phial." + +He rests the elongated orifice of the diaphanous flask upon his lips for +a brief interval of critical inspection, and then applies it +thoughtfully to the mouth of OLD MORTARITY. + +"Some more! Some more!" pleads the aged MCLAUGHLIN, when the Jamaican +nervine is abruptly jerked from his lips. + +"Silence! Com on," is the stern response of the other, who, as he moves +from the house, and restores the crystal antiquity to its proper pocket, +eats a few cloves by stealth. His manner plainly shows that he is +offended at the quantity the old man has managed to swallow already. + +Strange indeed is the ghastly expedition to the place of skulls, upon +which these two go thus by night. Not strange, perhaps, for Mr. +MCLAUGHLIN, whose very youth in New York, where he was an active +politician, found him a frequent nightly familiar of the Tombs; but +strange for the organist, who, although often grave in his manner, +sepulchral in his tones, and occasionally addicted to coughin', must be +curiously eccentric to wish to pass into concert that evening with the +dead heads. + +Transfixed by his umbrella, which makes him look like a walking cross +between a pair of boots and a hat, Mr. BUMSTEAD leads the way athwart +the turnpike and several fields, until they have arrived at a low wall +skirting the foot of Gospeler's Gulch. Here they catch sight of the +Reverend OCTAVIUS SIMPSON and MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON walking together, +near the former's house, in the moonlight, and, instantaneously, Mr. +BUMSTEAD opens his umbrella over the head of OLD MORTARITY, and drags +him down beside himself under it behind the wall. + +"Hallo! What's all this?" gasps Mr. MCLAUGHLIN, struggling affrightedly +in his suffocating cage of whalebone and alpaca. "What's this here old +lady's hoop-skirt doing on me?" + +"Peace, wriggling dotard!" hisses BUMSTEAD, jamming the umbrella tighter +over him. "If they see us they'll want some of the West Indian +Restorative." + +Mr. SIMPSON and MONTGOMERY have already heard a sound; for they pause +abruptly in their conversation, and the latter asks: "Could it have been +a ghost?" + +"Ask it if it's a ghost," whispers the Gospeler, involuntarily crossing +himself. + +"Are you there, Mr. G.?" quavers the raised voice of the young +Southerner, respectfully addressing the inquiry to the stone wall. + +No answer. + +"Well," mutters the Gospeler, "it couldn't have been a ghost, after all; +but I certainly thought I saw an umbrella. To conclude what I was +saying, then,--I have the confidence in you, Mr. MONTGOMERY, to believe +that you will attend the dinner of Reconciliation on Christmas eve, as +you have promised." + +"Depend on me, sir." + +"I shall; and have become surety for your punctuality to that excellent +and unselfish healer of youthful wounds, Mr. BUMSTEAD." + +More is said after this; but the speakers have strolled to the other +side of the Gospeler's house, and their words cannot be distinguished +Mr. BUMSTEAD closes his umbrella with such suddenness and violence as to +nearly pull off the head of MCLAUGHLIN; drives his own hat further upon +his nose with a sounding blow; takes several wild swallows from his +antique flask; eats two cloves, and chuckles hoarsely to himself for +some minutes. "Here, 'JOHN MCLAUGHLIN," he says, at last "try a little +more West Indian Restorative, and then we'll go and do a few skeletons." + +(_To be Continued_.) + + * * * * * + +What is Likely to be Raised some day, regarding the Pneumatic +Tunnel. + +TUBAL. CAIN. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration. PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE.] + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +In order to make this department of PUNCHINELLO as complete as possible, +we have secured the services of the most competent authorities in +literature, art, the sciences in general, history, biography, and the +vast vague unknown. The answers furnished by us to our correspondents +may therefore be relied upon as being strictly accurate. + + _Scales_.--How old was DANIEL LAMBERT at the time of his death? + +_Answer_.--736 lbs. + + _Ignoramus_.--Why were the Roman _Saturnalia_ so called? + +_Answer_.--The proper spelling of the word is _Sauternalia_. They were +wine feasts; and the vintage most in favor at them was Haut Sauterne. + + _Chasseur_. Is the antelope to be classed among the goat family? + +_Answer_.--No. MOORE calls it a "deer gazelle." + + _Armiger_.--Is "arm's length" a recognized measure? + +_Answer_.--Yes. It is a _Standard_ measure, as may be seen in the way +that journal is getting ahead of the _Sun_, which it keeps at arm's +length. + + _Molar_.--Yes; burnt Cork is an excellent dentifrice. It should not + be applied to the teeth of children, however, as it is apt to impart an + Irish accent, or, in extreme cases, even a negro dialect. + + _Bookworm_.--Do two negatives always constitute an affirmative? + +_Answer_.--That depends upon the price charged by the photographer. + + _Sunswick_--Is it true that JAMES FISK, Jr., has purchased Baden and + another German Duchy? + +_Answer_.--No: but he could have both if he wanted two. + + _Rockland_.--Who are the suffering persons represented in DORE'S + remarkable picture of DANTE and VIRGIL visiting the frozen ward of the + _Inferno_? + +_Answer_.--The Knickerbocker Ice Company. + + _Solitaire_.--On what day did the Fourth of July fall in the year 1788? + +_Answer_.--On the Fourth. + + _James Lobbs_.--How long ago is it since desiccated soup first came + into use? + +_Answer_.--At least as long ago as the days of CROMWELL, whose advice to +his troops was "Put your trust in Providence, and keep your chowder +dry." + + _Bach_.--Is the practice of divorce a mark of civilization? + +_Answer_--It is. In the Gorilla family, (the nearest approach to the +human,) divorce is not practiced, but it is in Indiana, which is usually +considered to be a State of Civilization. + + * * * * * + +PAT TO THE QUESTION. + +Our law-makers in Congress--or rather law-cobblers, for few of them have +risen to the dignity of makers--are asked to repeal the _per cap_. duty +imposed by California on all Chinamen imported there. + +The Californians have the authority of Congress itself, for this duty. +By reference to "HEYL'S Rates of Duties on Imports," page 36, art. 691, +under head of "Act of June 30, 1864, chap. 171," "An act to increase +Duties on Imports," etc., we find "on paddy one cent and a half per +pound." Now if a good-sized Irishman pays $2.25, why shouldn't a +"Celestial" pay as much in proportion to the weight of his _corpus_? + + * * * * * + +Contradictory. + +It appears that, by a joint resolution of Congress, the use of "that +first-class humbug and fraud, the whiskey meter," has been abolished. +Now there are dozens of members of Congress who are not only +"first-class humbugs and frauds," but whiskey meters, to whom whiskey is +both meat and drink, and yet who ever heard of their proposing to +abolish themselves? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: STAY-AT-HOME PEOPLE + +FOLKS MAY NOT BE ABLE TO GO TO NEWPORT OR LONG BRANCH, BUT THEY CAN +ALWAYS CREATE A LOCAL SENSATION BY TAKING A FOOT-BATH IN THE BACK-YARD.] + + * * * * * + +MURPHY THE CONQUEROR + +BY CORPORAL QUINN. + + Come tip us your fist, then, yer sowl you; + Since iver I come from the wars + The like wasn't heerd. Fill the bowl you + Bowld sons of MILESIUS and MARS; + And dhrink to ould Ireland the turfy + That's shmilin' out there in the say, + Wid three cheers for the conqueror MURPHY. + Whoo! America's ours from to-day. + + Och! SAYZAR he walloped the Briton, + The Tarthars leap't China's big wall, + ALEXANDTHUR did half the wurld sit on, + But niver touched Ireland at all. + At Clontarf ould BOBU in the surf he + Sint tumblin' the murdtherin' Danes-- + But, yer sowl, the brave conqueror MURPHY + Takes the shine out of all of their panes. + + ULYSSES has made him Collecthor, + (Sich choppin' o' heads ne'er was seen;) + Sure the hayro will make me Inspecthor + Whin there's so many "wigs on the green." + And we'll be night-watchmen uproarious, + Wid big badges on our coats, + And we'll fight for TOM MURPHY the glorious, + Wid our fists, our guns, and our votes. + + At the Custom House, Dutchman and Yankee + Are thryin' to talk wid a brogue, + They're all _Irish_, now--fat, lean, or lanky, + And green are the neckties in vogue. + They're thracin' themselves to some DURPHY, + O'NEILL, or McCANN, or O'TAAFFE, + I'll go bail the bowld conqueror MURPHY + 'S too owld to be caught wid sich chaff. + + Now Dutchmin may go to the divil, + And Yankees to Plymouth's ould rock, + We'll blast it, if they are not civil; + While boys of the raal ould stock + Will hurroo for ould Ireland the turfy. + Whoo! Jibralthar is taken to-day, + Our commandther's the conqueror MURPHY-- + Now a tiger and nine times hoorray! + + * * * * * + +COMIC ZOOLOGY. + +Genus Culex.--The American Mosquito + + +Few American birds are better known than the mosquito. In common with +the woodcock, snipe, and other winged succubi, it breeds in wet places, +yet is always dry. Like them it can sustain life on mud juleps, but +prefers "cluret." It is a familiar creature, seems to regard the human +family as its Blood relations, and is always ready to sucker them. + +Being a bird of Nocturnal Habits, it is particularly attracted to human +beings in their Night-shirts. The swallow preys upon it, but it +generally eludes the Bat. Although it cannot be called Noctilucous, like +the lightning bug, it has no objection to alight in the darkness, and +you often knock till you cuss in your vain attempts to prevent its +taking a Shine to you. + +The mosquito differs in most respects from all the larger varieties of +the winged tribes, and upon the whole takes after man more than any +other living thing. Nevertheless, it certainly bears a noticeable +resemblance to some of the feathered race. Like the Nightingale, it +"sings darkling," and like the woodpecker, is much addicted to tapping +the bark of Limbs and Trunks for the purpose of obtaining grub. It may +be mentioned as an amiable idiosyncracy of the mosquito, that it is fond +of babies. If there is a child in the house, it is sure to spot the +playful innocent; and by means of an ingenious contrivance combining the +principles of the gimlet and the air-pump, it soon relieves the little +human bud of its superfluous juices. It is, in fact, a born surgeon, a +Sangrado of the Air, and rivals that celebrated Spanish Leech in its +fondness for phlebotomy. Some infidels, who do not subscribe to the +doctrine that nothing was made in vain, consider it an unmitigated +nuisance, but the devout and thoughtful Christian recognizes it as +Nature's preventive of plethora, and as it alternately breathes a Vein +and a song, it may be said (though we never heard the remark,) to +combine the _utile_ with the _dulce_. + +All the members of the genus are slender and graceful in their shape and +Gnatty in their general appearance. The common mosquito is remarkable +for its strong attachments. It follows man with more than canine +fidelity, and in some cases, the dog-like pertinacity of its affection +can only be restrained by Muslin. It is of a roving disposition, seldom +remaining settled long in one locality; and is Epicurean in its +tastes--always living, if possible, on the fat of the land. As the +mosquito produces no honey, mankind in general are not as sweet upon it +as they are upon that bigger hum-bug, the buzzy bee; yet it is so far +akin to the bee, that, wherever it forages, it produces something +closely resembling Hives. + +Few varieties of game are hunted more industriously than this, yet such +is the fecundity of the species, that the Sportsman's Club has not as +yet thought it necessary to petition the legislature for its protection. + +The New Jersey Mosquito is the largest known specimen of the genus, +except the Southern Gallinipper, which is only a few sizes smaller than +the Virginia Nightingale, and raises large speckles similar to those of +the Thrush. Ornithologists who wish to study the habits of the mosquito +in its undomesticated or nomad state, may find it in angry clouds on the +surface of the New Jersey salt marshes at this season, in company with +its teetering long-billed Congener, the Sandsnipe. + +During the last month of summer it reigns supreme in the swamps west of +Hoboken, the August Emperor of all the Rushes, and persons of an +apoplectic turn, who wish to have their surplus blood determined to the +surface instead of to the head, will do well to seek the hygienic insect +there. + + * * * * * + +An Apt Quotation. + +The name "Louvre" has now been adopted by several places of +entertainment in New York and its suburbs. A Boston gentleman, who +visited seven of them a night or two since, under the escort of a +policeman, declares that, by a slight alteration of a line of MOORE's, +New York may be well described as-- + +"A place for Louvres, and for Louvres only." + + * * * * * + +THE WATERING PLACES. + +Punchinello's Vacations. + +Mr. PUNCHINELLO puts up at the Atlantic Hotel when he goes to Cape May; +and if you were to ask him why, he would tell you that it was on account +of the admirable water-punches which JOHN McMAKIN serves up. To be sure +these mixtures do not agree with Mr. P., but he likes to see people +enjoying themselves, even if he can't do it himself. It is this +unselfish disposition, this love of his fellow-men, that enables him to +maintain that constant good humor so requisite to his calling. In fact, +though Mr. P. often says sharp things, he never gets angry. When, on +Thursday of last week, he was walking down the south side of Jackson +street, and a man asked him did he want to buy a bag, Mr. P. was not +enraged. He knew the man took him for a greenhorn, but then the man +himself was a Jerseyman. It is no shame to be a greenhorn to a +Jerseyman. Quite the reverse. Mr. P. would blush if he thought there +lived a "sand-Spaniard" who could not take advantage of him. So Mr. P. +bought the bag, and because it was made of very durable canvas, and +would last a great while, he paid a dollar for it. + +He did not ask what it was for. He knew. It was to put Cape May Diamonds +in! He put the bag in his pocket and walked along the beach for three +miles. You can't walk more than three miles here, and if you hire a +carriage you will find that you can't ride less than that distance. +Which makes it bad, sometimes. However, when Mr. P. had finished his +three miles, he didn't want to go any further. He stopped, and gazing +carelessly around to see that no one noticed him, pulled out his canvas +bag and did shuffle a little in the sand with his feet. He might +find some diamonds, you know, just as likely as any of the hundreds of +other people, who, in other sequestered parts of the beach, were pulling +out other canvas bags, and shuffling in the sand with other feet. At +length Mr. P. shuffled himself into a very sequestered nook indeed, and +there he saw a man smoking. His melancholy little boy was sitting by his +side. Perceiving that it was only General GRANT, Mr. P. advanced with +his usual grace and suavity of manner. + +"Why, Mr. President!" said he, "I thought you would be found at Long +Branch this season." + +"Long--thunder!" ejaculated the General, his face as black as the ace of +spades, (which, by the way, is blue.) "I might go to Nova Zembla for a +quiet smoke, and some sneaking politician would crawl out from the ice +with a petition. I went fishing in Pennsylvania, and I found twenty of +those fellows to every trout. However, I don't mind you. Take a seat and +have a cigar." + +[Illustration.] + +Mr. P. took the seat, (which was nothing to brag of,) and a cigar, +(which would have been a great deal to brag of, if he had succeeded in +smoking it,) and, after a whiff or two, asked his companion how it was +that he came to send such a message to Congress about Cuba. + +"What message?" said GRANT, absently. + +Mr. P. explained. + +"Oh," said GRANT, "that one! Didn't you like it? CALEB CUSHING wrote it +and brought it to me, and I signed it. If you had written one and +brought it to me, I would have signed that. 'Tisn't my fault if the +thing's wrong. What would you expect of a man?" + +Mr. P. concluded that in this case it was ridiculous to expect anything +else, and so he changed the subject. + +That afternoon Mr. P. bathed. + +He went to SLOAN'S and fitted himself out in a bathing suit, and very +lovely he looked in it, when he emerged from the bathing house at +high tide. With a red tunic; green pants; and a very yellow hat, he +resembled a frog-legged Garibaldian, ready for the harvest. + +When he hurried to the water's edge, he hesitated for a moment. The +roaring surf was so full of heads, legs, arms, back-hair, hats and feet, +that he feared there was no room for him. However, he espied a vacancy, +and plunged into the briny deep. + +How delicious! How cool! How fresh! How salt! How splendid! + +He struck out with his legs; he struck out with his arms; he dived with +his whole body. He skimmed beneath the green waters; he floated on the +rolling wave-tips; he trod water; he turned heels over head in the +emerald depths; and thus, gamboling like an Infant Triton, he passed out +beyond the breakers. It was very pleasant there. Being a little tired, +he found the change from the surging waves to the gentle chuck and flop +of the deep water, most delightful. Languidly, to rest himself, he threw +his arm over a rock just peeping above the water. But the rock gave a +start and a yawn. + +It was a sleeping shark! + +The startled fish opened his eyes to their roundest, and backed water. + +So did Mr. P. + +For an instant they gazed at each other in utter surprise. Then the +shark began slowly to sink. Mr. P. knew what that meant. The monster was +striving to get beneath him for the fatal snap! + +Mr. P. sank with him! + +With admirable presence of mind he kept exactly even with the fish. + +[Illustration.] + +At last they reached the bottom. + +Mr. P. was nearly suffocated, but he determined that he would strangle +rather than rise first. The shark endeavored to crawl under him, but Mr. +P. clung to the bottom. + +The fish then made a feint of rising, but, in an instant, Mr. P. had him +around the waist! + +The affrighted shark darted to the surface, and Mr. P. inhaled at least +a gallon of fresh air. Never before had oxygen tasted so good! + +On the surface the struggle was renewed, but Mr. P. always kept +undermost. + +At last they rested from the contest, and lay panting on the surface of +the water, glaring at each other. + +The shark, who was a master of _finesse_, swam out a little way, to +where the water was deeper, and then slowly sank, intending, if Mr. P. +followed him again to the bottom, to stay there long enough to drown the +unfortunate man. But Mr. P. knew a trick worth two of that. + +_He didn't follow him at all_! He swam towards shore as fast as he +could, and when the shark looked around, to see if he was coming, he was +safe within the line of surf. + +Need it be said that when he reached dry laud, Mr. P. became a hero with +the crowds who had witnessed this heroic struggle? + +That evening, as Mr. P. sat upon the portico of his hotel, there came +unto him, in the moonlight, a maiden of the latest fashion. + +"Sir," she softly murmured "are you the noble hero who overcame the +shark?" + +Mr. P. looked up at her. + +Her soft eyes were dimmed with irresponsible emotion. + +"I am," said he. + +The maiden stood motionless. Her whole frame was agitated by a secret +struggle. + +At length she spoke. + +"Is there a Mrs. P.?" she softly said. + +Mr. P. arose. He grasped the back of his chair with trembling hand. His +manly form quivered with a secret struggle. + +He looked upon her! + +He gazed for a moment, with glowing, passionate eyes, upon that +matchless form--upon that angelic face, and then--he clasped his brows +in hopeless agony. Stepping back, he gave the maiden one glance of +wildest love, followed by another of bitterest despair; and sank +helpless into his chair. + +[Illustration.] + +The maiden leaned, pale and trembling, against a pillar; but hearing the +approach of intruders, she recovered herself with an effort. + +"Farewell," she whispered. "I know! I know! There _is_ a Mrs. P.!"--and +she was gone. + +Mr. P. arose and slipped out into the night, shaken by a secret +struggle. He laid upon the sand and kicked up his heels. + +_There isn't any_ Mrs. P.! + +Mr. P. does not wish to sweep his hand rudely o'er the tender chords of +any heart, but he wants it known that he is neither to be snapped up by +sharks in the sea, or by young women at watering places. + + * * * * * + +A DOG'S TALE. + +Dogmatic. + +I am only a dog, I admit; but do you suppose dogs have no feeling? I +guess if you were kicked out of every door-way you ran into, and driven +away from every meat stand or grocery you happened to smell around, you +would think you had feelings. + +When I see some dogs riding in carriages, looking so grandly out of the +windows, or others walking along proudly by the side of their owners, I +have a feeling of dislike for the very thought of liberty! + +I sometimes go with the crowd to a lecture-room, and listen to the +speeches about freedom and liberty, the hatred of bondage, and all that +sort of thing. I get my tail up, and wish I could tell them what liberty +really is. There is nothing worse in the world than this running around +loose, with no one to look after you, and no one for you to look after; +no one to notice you when you wag your tail, and to have no occasion for +so doing. You go out and you come in, and nobody cares. If you never +come back, no one troubles himself about you. + +Every day I hear men reading in the papers about some lucky dogs having +strayed, or having been stolen, a large reward being offered for their +recovery: and I envy each lost dog! I wonder who would advertise for me +if I got lost! Alas! no one. They would not give me a bone to bring me +back, or to keep me from drowning myself. But every boy in the street +thinks he has a right to throw stones at me; and tie tin-kettles to my +tail; and chase me when I have had the good luck to find a bone; and to +set big dogs upon me to worry me when I am faint from hunger and haven't +much pluck; and worse than all, chase me and cry "Ki-yi," when I am +almost dying of thirst! + +If you only knew how hard it is for a poor dog to make his way in the +world, with no one to help him to a mouthful of food, you would feel +sorry for us. + +But I think we might get along better if it wasn't for the scarcity of +water. I hardly know a spot in the city where I can get a drink; and +many a time I have gone all day without a drop. + +If I happen to hang out my tongue and droop my tail, my ears are saluted +with "Mad dog! Let's kill him!" You need not wonder I sometimes turn +round, and snap at my pursuers. I think you would snap, too, if you were +chased through street and lane and alley, till your blood was in a +perfect fever, and you hardly knew which way you were running! I have, +on many such occasions, actually run past a beautiful bone that lay +handy on the side-walk, and never stopped to smell it. + +Oh! I wish some one would take me prisoner, and continue to own me, and +keep me in bondage as long as I lived! I should only be too happy to +give up my liberty, and settle down and be a respectable dog! + + * * * * * + +A Bute-Iful Idea. + +The Marquis of Bute denies that he is going to return to the Protestant +fold. With reference to the rumor, the Pope stated in the Ecumenical +Council that "the Bute was on the right leg at last, and that he would +launch his thunder against him who should dare that Bute displace." + + * * * * * + +WHAT IS IT? + +As the shades of night descend (in the neighborhood of Mecklenburg, +N.C.,) and harmless domestic animals begin to compose themselves to +sleep, suddenly the drowsy world is awakened by a roaring like that of a +lion! It proceeds from the forest, in whose bosky recesses (as the +Mecklenburgers suppose) some terrible creature proclaims his hunger and +his inclination to appease it with human flesh! All night long the +quaking denizens of that hamlet lie and listen to the roaring, which is +an effectual preventive of drowsiness, as the moment any one begins to +be seized with it he also begins to fancy he is about to be seized and +deglutinated by the horrid monster! Naturalists are positive it is not +the Gyascutis, but admit that a Megatherium may have lately awakened +from the magnetic sleep of ages, with the pangs of a mighty hunger +tearing his wasted viscera. + +If our theory is correct, the good people of Mecklenburg (was it not in +Mecklenburg that the agitation for Independence began?) may be assured +that deliverance from this unreasonable Dragon is possible. We think it +more than likely that it is simply GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN practicing for +the next invasion of Great Britain. Nothing could be more harmless. One +Ku-Kluxian youth, armed with a double-barrelled shot-gun, four +bowie-knives, and a number of revolvers, could rout him instantly, and +even check the flow of his vociferous eloquence so suddenly as to put +him in imminent danger of asphyxia. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RETRIBUTION. + +THE BOYS OF SAN FRANCISCO, EXASPERATED AT THE CONVERSION OF THEIR DOGS +INTO PIE, TIE KETTLES TO THE TAILS OF THE CHINAMEN.] + + * * * * * + +Giving the Cue. + +"Is that one of your Chinese _belles_? asked Mr. PUNCHINELLO of Mr. +KOOPMAN-SCHOOP, as one of the newly-imported yallagals passed. + +"Yes," replied Mr. K. "You can always tell a Chinese bell from a Chinese +gong by the bell-pull attached to it." + +Mr. P. immediately presented his _chapeau_ to Mr. K. + + * * * * * + +HINTS FOR--THOSE WHO WILL TAKE THEM. + +Mr. PUNCHINELLO: Your invaluable "Hints for the Family," published some +time since, seem destined to work a revolution in our domestic economy; +as the plans you propose must win the admiration of housekeepers by +their extreme simplicity, aside from any other motives to their +adoption. I have myself tested several of your methods, and find that +you speak from thorough and circumstantial knowledge of your subject In +bread-making, for instance, we find that when the cat reposes in the +dough, it (the dough) will not rise, though the cat does. But in the +clock manufacture, we fear you have divulged one of the secrets of the +trade. + +Your little invention for carrying a thread should be recommended to +students and other isolated beings, notwithstanding their unaccountable +propensity to pierce other substances than the cloth. They would find +driving the needle through much facilitated by a skilful use of the +table formerly described. + +Permit me to make a few additional suggestions. + +Get some worsted and a pair of needles; set up from twenty to forty +stitches, more or less, and knit till you are tired. When finished--(the +knitting)--draw out the needles and bite off the thread. You will thus +have made an elegant lamp-mat, of the same color as the worsted, and the +very thing for a Christmas present to your grandmother. + +This is a very graceful employment, and a great favorite with ladies; in +fact, some ladies seem so infatuated with work of that kind, that, +according to the new theory of the Future, a fruition of fancy-work will +be amongst their other blissful realizations. And so, after surveying +Deacon QUIRK'S spiritual potato fields, or perhaps some fresh +(spiritual) manifestation of Miss PHELPS'S piety and intelligence, we +may have the pleasure of seeing the sun and moon hung with tidies, and a +lamp-mat under each star. + +Take your rejected sketches and compositions, cut them in strips two or +three inches wide, and as long as the paper will permit. Fold these +strips lengthwise as narrow as possible, and smooth the edges down flat +with your finger. When finished, or perhaps before, you will find you +have made a bunch of excellent lamp-lighters. + +Get a suit of clothes--broadcloth is the best--and a pair of boots to +stand them in. Button the coat, and insert in the neck any vegetable you +choose, so that it be large enough, (one of the drum-head species is the +best,) and finish with a hat You will then find, doubtless to your +surprise and delight, that you have a man, or an excellent +substitute for one, equal, if not superior to the genuine article, +warranted to be always pleased with his dinner, and never, necessarily, +in the way. Some people may object to its lack of intelligence, as +compared with the original, but careful investigation has shown that the +difference is very slight; yet, admitting even this to be a positive +fault, it is amply counterbalanced by negative merits. Your +correspondent who writes about "The Real Estate of Woman," will be +relieved to find that the threatened dearth in husbands can be so +readily obviated. + +Very truly, + +ANN O. BLUE. + + * * * * * + +For Singers, Only. + +What is the best wine for the voice? + +Canary. + + * * * * * + +A Chop-House Aphorism. + +Customers who fee waiters may always be sure of their Feed. + + * * * * * + +Washy. + +The daily papers tell us that "Sixty-Eight Thousand persons visited the +public baths during last week." + +They went in--a week lot--and came out sixty-eight thousand strong. + + * * * * * + +Constructive Genius. + +"A poor woman in Utica, who owns three houses and is building another, +sends her children into the streets daily to beg." + +Quite right. While the youngsters beg in the streets, let the +enterprising old lady go on and begin another house. + + * * * * * + +A Result of the Mongol. + +Owing to the influx of Chinamen into this country, the edict against +allowing dogs to run at large during the Summer has been relaxed. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BOMBASTES BONAPARTE: + +NOW PERFORMING AT THE THEATRE FRANCAIS. + +"He who would these Boots displace +Must meet BOMBASTES face to face."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEW PANDORA'S BOX. + +REPRESENTATIVE MANUFACTURER, (_springing open Chinese surprise +box_.)--"THERE!--WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT LITTLE JOKER?" + +KNIGHT OF ST. CRISPIN.--"PSHAW! THAT'S A MEAN TRICK: WAIT TILL I OPEN +_MY_ BOX!"] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN ON THE CHINESE. + +He write a letter to the North Adams Shoe Manufacturer.--New Occupation +for the "Coming Man." + + +NSBORO, NYE ONTO VARMONT, _July the 11th_, 18-_Seventy_. + +MISTER SAMPSON: + +Selestial sir:--I take my goose quil in hand to rite you a letter. I +like your stile--you soot me. I myself have been an old Statesman, +having served my country for 4 years as Gustise of the Peece, raisin' +sed offis to a higher standard than usual, as well as raisin' an +interestin' family of eleven healthy children. Upon the linements of +their countenance the features and stamp of GREEN stands out in bold +relief. They are all genuine Green-bax. + +A little cloud no bigger than a man's hand made its appearance over the +golden streets of San Francisco. + +It is growin' bigger, and afore we know it, will be bigger than a white +elefant. + +You have ceased the dilemer by the horn which hangs suspended from the +dilemer's head, like the tail of a kite. + +While you have set the Chinees peggin' away puttin' bottoms on shoes, a +great many are peggin' away "putin' a head onto you." + +In the present statis of things you want to blow up your nerve, and +stand as firm as the rox of Jiberalter, and like BYRON exclaim: + + "To be or not to be, there's the question;-- + Whether a man feels better to pay big wages for shoemakers, + Or to suffer the slings and arrows of everybody, + By hirin' Pig-tails for 1/2 price?" + +Poleticians of the different churches don't endorse our Selestial +brother. But, sir, I'll venter a few dollars, that if the children of +the son--and dorter--leaned towards either party, he would be gobled up +quicker'n scat, even if he come red hot from old LUCIFER, with a pocket +full of free passes, for the whole nashun, to the Infernal regions. + +That's so. A vote's a vote, if it comes from Greenland's coral strand or +Afric's icy mountains. I feel a good deal towards you as a nabor of +mine, named JOE BELCHER, once did. + +JOE likes his tod, and can punish as much gin and tansy as a New York +alderman can, when drinkin' at the sity's expense. + +JOE went to camp meetin' last week, and, I am pained to say it, JOSEF +got drunker than a biled owl. + +While one of the brethern was preachin', JOE sot on a pine log tryin' to +make out wether the preacher was a double-headed man, or whether 2 men +were holdin' forth. + +"Who'll stand up for the carpenter's Son?" sed the preacher. + +This made JOE look around. + +The question was again repeated. + +Again JOE looked around for an answer. + +Again the preacher said: "Who'll stand up for Him?" + +JOE by this time had got onto his feet, and was steadyin' himself by +holdin' onto a tree, while he sung out: + +"I say (hic!) ole feller, Ile stand up (hic!) for him, or any 'orrer man +who hain't got any (hic!) more fren's than he has (hic!) in this 'ere +crowd." + +I feel a good deal as JOE did. Anybody who hain't got any more frends +than you have, Mr. SAMPSON, has my sympathy. + +For bringin' these _hily morril_ and _refined_ Monongohelians to +Massachusetts is a big feather in your cap, and you will receive your +reward bime-bye. + +"The wages of sin is death." + +But the wages of a Chinyman is money in a man's pocket. They work cheap. + +I am trying to get the Chinese substituted for canal hosses. + +A man here by the name of SNYDER, who runs a canal Hoss to our Co., +talks of sendin' for a lot. + +Won't they be bang up with their cues hitcht to a canal bote snakin' it +along at the rate of a mile inside of 2 hours. "G'lang! Tea leaf." + +Then when they was restin' from their labors, by tyin' 2 of 'em together +by their cues, stand one opposite the other and hang close between 'em +to dry, on washin' day. + +What an aristocratic thing Chiny close-line posts would be. The only +drawback that I know of is, that the confounded posts mite some day walk +off with all the close. + +But, sir, if they served me in that manner, I would cover the ground +with broken crockery by smashin' their old Chiny mugs for 'em. + +Since you've awoken to _notorosity_, I have been studdyin' out your +family pedigree. + +I find your Antsisters are connected with long hair more or less, same +as you be with Chiny pig-tails. + +Old SAMPSON the first's strength, like your'n of to-day, lade in his +long hair. + +He could cut off more heads, and slay more Fillistians with the jaw bone +of a member of Congress than the President of these U.S. can by makin' a +new deal in the Custom house department. + +And, sir, I reckon about these days, we are getting rather more of that +same kind of jaw bone than is healthy. + +I am afrade not. + +Mrs. SAMPSON worked like a kag of apple sass in hot weather, to find out +where her old man's strength was. When she found out, what did she do? +Why, she got a pair of sheep shears and cropped him closer'n a state +prison bird, and tryin' to lift a house full of fokes, it fell onto him +and smashed him. + +Like LOT'S wife, she'd orter been turned into a pillow of salt, and then +the pillow had orter been sewed up and cast into the sea. + +Another of the SAMPSONS wouldn't even chop off MARIAR ANTERNETTE'S head +until her hair had been cut off, so he could peel her top-knot off slick +and cleen. + +Lookin' back at these cheerful antsisters of your'n, it's no wonder you +go in for long haired labor. It runs in the SAMPSON blood. + +The public is cussin' you from DANIEL to BEEBSHEBER, because you've +brought a lot of modern Philistines to Massachusetts. + +Let 'em cus. + +That's their lay. + +Your'n is, to bild up a fortin, if Poor-houses for white laborers to +live in is thicker in North Adams than goose pimples on a fever and ager +sufferer's form. + +As old Grandma SAMPSON cut off her old man's long hair, so she could +handle him in one of them little fireside scrimmages which we married +fokes enjoy, so fokes would crop you, my hi toned old Joss stick. + +But I've writ more'n I intended to. I would like to have you come and +make us a visit. + +Bring along your wife, DELIAL. Tell her to bring her croshay work. + +Mrs. GREEN is interestin' company among wimmen. + +What MARIAR don't know about her nabors, don't happen. + +Then her veel pot-pies and ingin puddins are just rats. + +She can nock the spots off from any woman who wears a waterfall, gettin' +up a good square meal. + +Anser soon, and don't forget to pay your own postige. + +Hopin' you are sound on the goose and able to enjoy your _Swi lager und +Sweitzer_, + +I am thine, old hoss, + +HIRAM GREEN, Esq., + +Lait Gustise of the Peece. + + + * * * * * + + +TREATMENT FOR POTATO BUGS. + +Mr. CLARK JOHNSON, of Pendleton, Indiana, not at all discouraged by the +signal failures of many previous campaigns against the Bug, has entered +the (potato) field with a new weapon, viz.: a mixture of Paris Green and +Ashes. Applied frequently, as a Top Dressing, this gentle stimulant +imparts a new energy to the vine, and also to the Bug, who thus becomes +so vigorous, and at the same time restless, that an uncontrollable +impulse seizes him to visit the home of his ancestors, (Colorado.) Here, +as is supposed by Mr. JOHNSON, the fictitious energy that had been +supplied by the Mixture deserts the immigrant, who now settles down +contentedly, nor ever roams again. + +As (owing to the present facilities of freighting, etc.,) the Potatoes +of Pendleton may eventually find the New York market, which always +invites the superior esculent, we would like to suggest to Mr. JOHNSON +that this Mixture be administered to the Bug with a spoon, and not +sprinkled promiscuously on the ground. We have drank Tea with a "green +flavor," and found it comparatively innocuous; but Potatoes with a green +flavor, (especially if flavored by the JOHNSONIAN method,) we should +consider as doubtful, to say the least. It is the general impression +that there is nothing Green in Paris; but your house painter knows there +is such a thing as Paris Green, and that it is the oxyde of copper. +Therefore, should one eat many of the potatoes nourished as above, we +should expect to see him gradually turning into a Bronze Statue--a fate +which, unless he were particularly Greeky and nice-looking, we should +wish to anticipate, if possible, in the interests of art. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MR. SWACHENBACKER, OF THE AIRY 'UN SOCIETY, CREATES A +SENSATION AMONG THE LADY BATHERS AT "THE BRANCH," BY APPEARING AMONG +THEM AS A MERMAN, WITH A REAL LOOKING-GLASS AND A FALSE TAIL.] + + * * * * * + +Fashionable Intelligence. + +Two colors that once were fashionable in the Parisian _toilette_, viz.: +BISMARCK brown and Prussian blue, are now excluded from court circles, +by command of the Empress. + + * * * * * + +Weather or No. + +Most remarkable in the history of mathematics are the calculations +published by the weather-prophet of the _Express_. Arithmetic turns pale +when she glances at them, and, striking her multiplication table with +her algebraic knuckles, demands to know why the _Express_ does not add a +Cube-it to its THATCHER. + + * * * * * + +Comparative Industry. + +It is reported that "the journeymen lathers demand four dollars per +day." As a question of comparative soap, the latherers will in due time +strike too. The ultimatum will be-"Raise our pay or we drop the Razor." + + * * * * * + +"Omnibus Hoc," etc. + +What is the difference between theft in an omnibus and the second deal +at cards? + +One is a Game of the Stage, and the other is a Stage of the Game. + + * * * * * + +OUR AGRICULTURAL COLUMN. + +Memorabilia of "What I Know About Farming." + +Profound subjects should be well meditated upon. A man may write about +"New America," or "Spiritual Wives," or any such light and airy subject, +without possessing much knowledge, or indulging in much thought, but he +can't play such tricks upon Agriculture. She is very much like a donkey: +unless you are thoroughly acquainted with her playful ways, she will +upset you in a quagmire. Perhaps it is due to my readers that I should +say here that I have read a great many valuable treatises upon this +subject, among which may be named, "Cometh up as a Flour," "Anatomy of +Melon-cholly," "Sowing and Reaping," one thousand or two volumes of +Patent Office Reports, and three or four bushels of "Proverbial +Philosophy." I would also add, that I invariably remain awake on clear +nights, and think out the ideas set down in this column. Probably you +may not be able to find traces of all that labor here, but I assure you +that those books are more familiar to me than is my catechism. However, +anybody who thinks he knows more about vegetables than I do, can send me +a letter containing his information, and, if I don't cabbage it, I will +plant it carefully in the bottom of the waste paper basket. We now +proceed to consider. + +PAR'S NIPS. + +This vegetable always flourishes in a moist soil, though it generally +has a holy horror of _aqua pura_. Some of them are of an immense size; I +have seen them fill a tumbler. Producers, however, generally charge more +for the large ones than for the small. The size of the nip usually +depends upon the par. It may be that your par's nip is extremely small, +while JOHN SMITH'S par's nip is very large. Four fingers is, I believe, +considered to be the regulation size. + +This vegetable is served up in a variety of forms. Some pars like it +with milk; in that case it is generally "hung up." In the winter it is +often called a sling or a punch; in the summer it is denominated a +cobbler or a jew-lip. Perhaps it would be well for those who love it, to +indulge in par's nip now, for some people say, that in the days of the +"coming man" there will be no par's nips. It must be admitted that the +father of a family, who indulges too freely in par's nip, is very likely +to run to seed, and to plant himself in such unfruitful places as the +gutter. If he be a young par, he may become a rake, and fork over his +money, and then ho! for the alms-house. + +Numerous efforts have been made to suppress this vegetable, among which +may be reckoned, "Father, dear Father, come home with me now," Brother +GOUGH'S circus, and the parades of the F.M.T.A.B. Societies. Maine and +Vermont Neal together in the front rank of its opponents. In Boston they +tried to suppress this vegetable, but, if you followed your par to a +store and heard him order a cracker, you could smell par's nip. + +Among the mild varieties of this article may be mentioned benzine, +camphene and kerosene; the next strongest kind is called Jersey +lightning; but, if you desire par's nips in their most luxuriant form, +go to Water street and try the species known as "rot-gut." + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +Poetry is the exclusive birthright of no age of people. The dirtiest +Hindoo sings to his _fetish_ the songs of the Brahmin muse, with as keen +a relish as the most devout Christian does the hymns of Dr. WATTS. +Melody comes of Heaven, and is a gift vouchsafed to all generations, and +all kinds of men. In proof of this, let us adduce a single extract from +the great epic of the Hawaiian poet, POPPOOFI, entitled "Ka Nani E!" + + Ka nani e! ka nani e! + Alohi puni no + Mai luna, a mai lalo nei, + A ma na mea a pau. + +We would call the attention of our readers particularly to the sublime +sentiment of the second line. "Alohi puni no," sings the peerless +POPPOOFI, and where, in the pages of that other Oriental HOMER, the +Persian HAFI, can be found anything half so magnificent? There may be +critics bigoted enough to think that the last line destroys the effect +of the other three; but _we_ don't. PUNCHINELLO would much rather +discover the good in a thing at any time, than go a-fishing on Sundays. + +It is not in the nature of a properly constituted human being to lay his +hand upon his heart and chant: + + "Ka nani e! Ka nani e!" + +in the presence of his mother-in-law, without feeling that life is not +so miserable as some people would make it out. In the words of ALEXANDER +SELKIRK'S man FRIDAY: "_Palmam qui meruit ferat_." + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +Emmet is a name which has heretofore been associated in the public mind +with the Negro Minstrel business. Certain weird barbaric melodies, which +defy all laws of musical composition, but which haunt one like a dream +of a lonely night on some wild African river, are said to have been +written by "OLD EMMET." Is there any such person? Has any one actually +seen "OLD EMMET" in the flesh, and with--say a high hat and a cotton +umbrella? For my part I disbelieve in the popular theory of the origin +of these EMMETIC melodies which stir one so strangely. They are not the +work of any earthly song writer, but are born of some untuned Eolian +harp played upon by uncertain breezes, that murmur the memory of +tropical groves and sigh with the sadness of exile. There is no "OLD +EMMET." If there is, let him be brought forward--not to be chucked out +of the window, as Mrs. F.'s AUNT might suggest,--but to be thanked and +wondered at as an inchoate OFFENBACH, who might, under other +circumstances, have written an American opera-bouffe, or, better still, +as a possible CHOPIN, who might have written a second "March Funébre" as +hopeless and desolate and fascinating as that of the despairing and +poetic Pole. (I am coming to "FRITZ" in a moment, but I won't be hurried +by any one.) + +As for JOSEPH K. EMMET, he is an undoubted reality. If you don't believe +it, go to WALLACK'S and see him. Somebody discovered this EMMET in the +Pastoral privacy of the Bowery. Mr. GAYLER was made to write a play for +him, and EMMET, the Bowery Minstrel, straightway became Mr. JOSEPH K. +EMMET, the renowned impersonator of "FRITZ." He plays "FRITZ" at +WALLACK'S every evening, and the entertainment is something of this +nature. + +ACT I.--_Scene, the outside of Castle Garden. Enter baggage-smashers, +emigrant-runners, aldermen, and other criminals_. + +RUNNER. "There's a ship a' comin' up. I'll lay for the Dutchmen." + +BOBBIT. (_A concert-saloon manager_.) "There's a ship coming up. I'll +lay for the Dutch girls." + +DISSOLUTE COLONEL. "There's a ship coming up. I want you two fellows to +look out for a Dutchman named "FRITZ," who is onboard. He takes care of +a girl, KATRINA, whom I adore. Carry off FRITZ and I'll carry off the +girl." + +(_Various emigrants enter and are hustled off by the runners_. FRITZ +_and_ KATRINA _finally appear_.) + +FRITZ. "Ja. Das ist gut. Ach himmel; zwei bier und Limburger." + +(_The runners seize his trunk and carry it off. The_ DISSOLUTE COLONEL +_hurries_ KATRINA _into a coach and carries her off_. FRITZ _is carried +away by his emotions. Curtain_.) + + +ACT II.--_Scene, a boarding-house parlor. Enter_ DISSOLUTE COLONEL +and KATRINA. + +DISSOLUTE COLONEL. "You are in my power. Be mine, and you shall have as +many bonnets and things as you can wish. Refuse, and I'll send every +reporter in the city to interview you." + +KATRINA. "Base villain! I despise you. Let the torturers do their +worst." + +(_Enter_ FRITZ, _disguised as a member of the Sorosis_.) + +KATRINA. "You here! Be cautious. The hash is drugged. Save me, my +beloved." + +FRITZ. "Ja. Das ist nicht gut. Herr Colonel, Ich bin KATRINA'S aunt. Ich +habe gekommen to take her away wid me, ye owdacious spalpeen." + +DISSOLUTE COLONEL. "Glad to see you. Take some hash, madam?" + +FRITZ. "Ja. Das ist gut. Take some yourself, you murtherin' thafe of the +worruld." + +(_The_ DISSOLUTE COLONEL _forgets that the hash is drugged. He takes it +and falls insensible_. FRITZ _and_ KATRINA _escape. Scene changes to +Judge_ DOWLING'S _court-room_.) + +FRITZ. (_Having left off his Sorosis disguise_.) "Ja. Das is nicht gut. +Behold, O wise young judge, the misguided person who put my trunk in his +pocket and ran away with it." + +JUDGE. "Prove your case." + +FRITZ. "Ja. Das ist gut. Begar! I proves him _toute de suite_--what you +call to wunst. You see those Limburger cheese in the villain's mouth. He +got them out of my trunk. So you see I have him ein thief geproven." + +JUDGE. "Your case is proved. Let the prisoner be removed." + +FRITZ. "Ja. Das ist sehr gut. Now I'm a gwine to de saloon, where dis +niggah has a ningagement for to sing." + +(_Scene changes to a concert saloon_. FRITZ _enters and goes through an +entire programme of negro minstrelsy, to the wild delight of the +gallery. At last the lazy curtain slowly consents to fall_.) + + +ACT III.--The DISSOLUTE COLONEL _come to grief, and_ FRITZ _marries_ +KATRINA. If you want to know all about it, go to the theatre. I don't +intend to ruin the establishment by giving the public the whole play for +the ridiculous sum which is charged for this copy of PUNCHINELLO. The +third act is the last of the play, and when the curtain fells, the +audience immediately proceeds to pick EMMET to pieces. + +BOY IN THE GALLERY. "Ain't he just tip, though? I've seen him lots o' +times at TONY PASTOR'S, and I allers knowed he'd be a big thing if the +Bowery or thishyer theatre got a hold on him." + +YOUNG LADY. "Isn't it frightfully low? The idea of Mr. WALLACK +permitting this negro minstrelsy in his theatre. To be sure Mr. EMMET is +funny; but I hate to see people funny in this place." + +OLD GENTLEMAN. "My dear! don't be absurd. Suppose Mr. EMMET has been a +minstrel, is that any proof that he can't be an actor? The young fellow +has his faults, but they will wear off in time, and he is brimful of +real talent. The play isn't a model of excellence, but it was made to +show EMMET'S strong points, and it answers its purpose. Shall we cry +down a talented and promising young actor simply because he has been a +minstrel, and now has the audacity to play at WALLACK'S? And besides, +haven't we seen pantomime, and legs, and LOTTA, and DAN BRYANT at +WALLACK'S? You never objected to any of the illegitimacies that have +preceded FRITZ;--why then should you begin now? Give EMMET and GAYLER a +chance. At any rate they can make you laugh, which is something that +BOUCICAULT with his '_Lost at Sea_' did not do." + +MATADOR. + + + * * * * * + + +A PARABLE ABOUT THE TWELFTH OF JULY. + +In a far distant land, beyond the sea, there dwelt an Orange Lily. +Separated from it by a very absurd and useless ditch, a Green Shamrock +spread its trefoil leafage to the sun, and grew greener every day. Now, +in course of time, a very ill feeling sprang up between the Lily and the +Shamrock, on account of color, the former despising the latter because +it was green, and the latter hating the former because it was orange--as +if both colors hadn't lived together in the rainbow ever since the +aquatic excursion of old Mr. NOAH, without ever falling out of it or +with each other. In time they both crossed the sea, and took root in a +far-away land, where they became acquainted with a very remarkable +animal called the American Beaver. + +The industry of this creature urged the Lily to toil and spin, contrary +to its usual habits, while the Shamrock converted its trifoliated leaves +into shovels, and took a contract for excavating the hemisphere. And so +they might have jogged on very well together, but for their stupid way +of showing their colors when there was no occasion for it. This greatly +disgusted their friend, the American Beaver, who didn't care a pinch of +snuff about color, (black is not a color, you know,) but who went in for +faithful and persistent work. One beautiful Twelfth of July, the Lily +arose very early in the morning, and, shaking out her orange leaves, +defied the Shamrock to "come on." The Shamrock came on. There was a +vegetable howl, and clash, and clangor in the air, and the Lily, having +knocked off several of the Shamrocks' greenest leaves, went to its +friend, the American Beaver, for comfort and support. But the American +Beaver, instead of countenancing the Lily, said: "Look here, Lily, I +guess you are about the greatest fool I ever _did_ see, except, perhaps, +the Shamrock. As long as you two stick to your work, instead of sticking +out your colors and sticking your knives into each other, I am very glad +to have you for neighbors, but now that you have shown yourselves to be +jack-asses instead of vegetables, I would not give an American Beaver +dam for the two of you." + + * * * * * + +CONDENSED CONGRESS. + +SENATE. + +A pleasant philosopher tells us that blessings brighten as they take +their flight. The flight of Congress may be regarded as a blessing. But +Congressmen do not brighten. PUNCHINELLO listens in vain for the swan +song of SUMNER, and looks longingly, without being gratified by the +spectacle of the oratorical funeral pyre of NYE. Almost the only gleam +of humor he discerns in his weekly wading through the watery and windy +wastes of the Congressional Globe is a comic coruscation by Mr. CAMERON. + +Mr. McCREERY had had the abominable impudence to introduce +a bill relieving the disabilities of a few friends of his in Kentucky. +Mr. CAMERON objected upon the ground that one of these persons was named +SMITH, and used to be a New York Street Commissioner. Any man who had +been a New York Street Commissioner ought to be hanged as soon as any +decent pretext could be found for hanging him. (Murmurs of approbation +from the New York reporters.) Still this was not his main objection to +SMITH. The SMITH family had furnished more aid and comfort to the rebel +army than any other family in the South. No SMITH should, with his +consent, be permitted to participate in the conduct of a Government +which so many SMITHS had conspired to overthrow. Moreover, this was an +incorrigible SMITH. It was an undisputed fact that SMITH had given up a +lucrative office to follow his political convictions. Such a man could +not be viewed by Senators with any other feelings than those of horror +and disgust. Let them reflect what would be the effect of polluting this +body, as by this bill it was proposed to make it possible to do, with a +man so dead to all the common feelings of our nature that he would set +up his own conceits against the practice of his fellow-Senators, and the +rewards of a grateful country. This settled the fate of SMITH, but the +rest of Mr. McCREERY's friends, being obscure persons, were let in, in +spite of the "barbaric yaup" of DRAKE, who said that the next thing +would be a proposition to enact a similar outrage in Missouri, and +thereby abet the efforts of the bold bad men who were trying to get him +out of his seat. + +HOUSE. + +SCHENCK insisted upon the Tariff. He had been visited by +delegations from the great heart of the nation, who assured him that the +great heart of the nation yearned for an immediate increase of the duty +on various articles which competed with the articles manufactured by the +members of the delegation. No longer ago than yesterday a manufacturer +of double-back-action jack-planes had assured him that the +single-forward-action jack-planes poured upon our shores by the pauper +labor of Europe, were, so to speak, shaving off the edge of the national +life. A gentleman whose name was known to the uttermost parts of the +civilized world, who had shed new lustre upon the American name by the +great boon he had bestowed upon mankind in the American self-filling +rotary Bird of Freedom inkstand with revolving lid, had said, with the +tears of patriotic shame and sorrow in his eyes, that there were +recreant writers who preferred to purchase the Birmingham inkstand, +which required to be filled, did not rotate, and had no revolution to +its lid, at fifty cents, than to secure his own triumph of American +ingenuity at ten dollars. Such misguided men must be taught their duty +to their native land. Mr. SCHENCK moved an increase to 4,000 per cent, +_ad valorem_ on the foreign jack-plane, which he characterized as a Tool +of Tyranny, and the Birmingham inkstand. The thing was done. + +Mr. DAWES said he was disgusted. Everybody's jobs were put through +except his. He threatened to go home and tell his constituents. + +Mr. PETERS suggested that Mr. DAWES had better go out and take "suthin' +soothin'." (Mr. PETERS is from Maine, and his remark will probably be +understood there.) If he might be pardoned the liberty he would +recommend a little ice in it. + +Mr. DAWES said he could do his own drinking. As for PETERS, he scorned +him. Moreover, PETERS was one-eyed. + +Mr. PETERS appealed to his record to show that he had two eyes. He did +not understand the anger of Mr. DAWES. Of course when he suggested a +drink, he assumed the responsibility of paying for it. + +Mr. DAWES said that altered the case entirely. He took pleasure in +withdrawing his hasty remarks, and in assuring the House that he +profoundly venerated PETERS, and that PETERS had two perfect eyes of +unusual expressiveness. + +Mr. BINGHAM called attention to the case of Mr. PORTER, who had been +smitten on the nose by a vile creature whom he declined to drink with. +This was a blow at the national life, and he thought the punishment of +treason was imperatively demanded. + +Mr. BUTLER said he had been kicked once. He assured the House that the +sensation was repugnant to his feelings as a man--much more as a +Congressman. He moved to amend by substituting slow torture. + +It was finally resolved to put the wretch in irons and feed him on bread +and water. + + + * * * * * + + +A Drowsy Con. + +When a man is sleepy, what sort of transformation does he desire? + +He wishes he were a-bed. + + + * * * * * + + + An Anecdote of the good old Square Kind. + +MRS. PRINGLEWOOD, having been afflicted with a chimney that smoked, sent +for a chimney-doctor to cure it. + +When the cure had been thoroughly effected, says Mrs. PRINGLEWOOD to the +chimney-doctor: "My son, a boy of but fourteen, smokes awful; couldn't +you cure him as you did the chimney?" + +"No I couldn't, marm," returned the chimney-doctor, who was a wag: "but +I see what you're arter, marm--you want me to teach him to draw!" + + + * * * * * + + +O Deer, Deer! + +_Trichinoe_ are said to have been discovered in the flesh of Oregon +deer. If this should prove true, Oregon venison must be anything but a +benison; but it is more than likely that the report originated in the +fact that there is in the East Indies a species of the cervine family +known as the Hog deer. + + + * * * * * + + +Scientific Intelligence. + +We learn from exchanges that in Missouri, where the wages of +working-people average five dollars _per diem_, that the Legislature +have decreed a Mining Bureau, and a Geological Survey of the State--the +remuneration of the assistant geologists to be at the rate of $1.50 _per +diem_. Why should these learned geologists waste their time for a +compensation so mean? Let them rather convert their surveying-staffs +into ox-goads, and turn their attention to Gee-haw-logy,--'twill pay +better than t'other thing. + + + * * * * * + + +Men and Manners + +The following paragraph, cut from a newspaper, suggests a good deal: + +"A Hindoo cabby, before mounting the box and taking the reins, always +first prays that his driving may be to the glory of his God." + +Now this is precisely what the New York hackman invariably does before +he gathers up the reins and urges on his "galled jades." He curses his +horses, his passengers, and his own eyes, and thus commends his driving +to the glory of _his_ God, whose other name is LUCIFER. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | Are offering | + | | + | A SPLENDID ASSORTMENT | + | OF THE | + | LATEST PARIS NOVELTIES. | + | IN | + | | + | ROMAN. ECOSSAIS, CARREAUX. | + | BROCHE, CHINE, GROS | + | GRAIN AND TAFFETA | + | | + | SASH RIBBONS, | + | IN THE MOST DESIRABLE WIDTHS AND | + | SHADES OF COLOR. Also, | + | | + | Velvet Ribbons, Trimming Ribbons, | + | Neckties, &c., &c. | + | | + | _Great Inducements to Purchasers_. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. STEWART & Co. | + | | + | Are Offering | + | | + | Extraordinary Bargains | + | IN | + | LADIES' PARIS AND DOMESTIC READY-MADE | + | Silk, Grenadine, Swiss Muslin, | + | Victoria Lawn, Linen | + | and Pique | + | | + | Suits, Robes, and Dresses, | + | | + | Children's Linen and Pique Garments, | + | In the Greatest Variety, | + | | + | Embroidered Collars, CUFFS, LACES, | + | Real LAMA LACE POINTS, | + | DRESSES &c., &c. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Steward & Co. | + | | + | Are closing out their stock of | + | FRENCH, ENGLISH, AND DOMESTIC | + | CARPETS, | + | | + | Oil Cloths, Rugs, Mats, Cocoa and Canton | + | Mattings, &c., &c., | + | | + | At a Great REDUCTION IN PRICES. | + | | + | _Customers and Strangers are Respectfully_ | + | | + | INVITED TO EXAMINE, | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. STEWART &CO. | + | | + | Offer the following | + | | + | Extraordinary Inducements | + | | + | IN PRICES TO PURCHASERS, | + | | + | In order to close the following portion of their Stock: | + | | + | Striped Checks, & Broche Poplinettes, | + | Only 50 cts. per Yard. | + | | + | Heavy Black and White Check Silks, | + | 75 cts. per Yard, value $1.50. | + | | + | Real Gaze de Chambrey, | + | 75 cts. per Yard, formerly $2. | + | | + | Striped Mongoline Silks (a Beautiful | + | Article for Costumes), | + | $1 per Yard, formerly $2 | + | | + | A LARGE QUANTITY OF | + | | + | STRIPED & CHECKED SILKS, | + | | + | This Season's Importation, $1 per Yard. | + | A great Variety of the | + | | + | NEW ROUBAIX SILKS, 56 INCHES WIDE, $1.25 | + | per Yard. | + | | + | RICH CHANGEABLE SILKS, Light Colors, 24 Inches | + | Wide, $1.75. | + | | + | EXTRA HEAVY PONGE SILKS, ONLY $1.60 per | + | Yard, formerly $2.50. | + | | + | A LARGE ASSORTMENT OF | + | | + | Plain Colored POULTS DE SOIES, TAFFETTAS, | + | FAILLES, &c., &c., | + | | + | Choice Shades of Color. | + | | + | _AN IMMENSE STOCK OF_ | + | | + | BLACK SILKS, | + | | + | At Prices Lower Than Ever. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Ave., 9th and 10th Sts. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +PUNCHINELLO. + +The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly Paper +was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The Press and the Public in +every State and Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper of +the kind ever published in America. + +CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL. + +Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) ............... $4.00 + + " " six months, (without premium,) ............................ 2.00 + + " " three months, " ............................ 1.00 + +Single copies mailed free, for .............................. .10 + +We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S +CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows: + + +A copy of paper for one year, and + +"The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chromo. +Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,) for ...................... $4.00 + + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $3.00 chromos: + +Wild Roses. 12-1/8 x 9. +Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-3/8. +Easter Morning. 6-3/4 x 10-1/4--for ..................... $5.00 + + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $5.00 chromos: + +Group of Chickens; Group of Ducklings: Group of Quails. +Each 10 x 12-1/8. + +The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14 + +The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-3/4 x 13. + +Pointer and Quail: Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12--for ... $6.50 + + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $6.00 chromos: + +The Baby in Trouble; The Unconscious Sleeper; The Two +Friends. (Dog and Child.) Each 13 x 16-1/4. + +Spring; Summer; Autumn; 12-7/8 x 16-1/8. + +The Kid's Play Ground. 11 x 17-1/2--for ................. $7.00 + + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $7.50 chromos: + +Strawberries and Baskets. + +Cherries and Baskets. + +Currants. Each 13 x 18. + +Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4. + +Six Central Park Views. (A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2--for ........... $8.00 + + +A copy of paper for one year and + +Six American Landscapes. (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, +price $9.00--for .............................................. $9.00 + + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the +following $10 chromos: + +Sunset in California. (Bierstadt) 18-1/2 x 12 + +Easter Morning. 14 x 21. + +Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/4 x 16-3/8. + +Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromos,) +15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), for $10.00 + +Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank Checks on New +York, or Registered letters. The paper will be sent from the first +number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise ordered. + +Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents +per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS will be +_mailed free_ on receipt of money. + +CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be given. For +special terms address the Company. + +The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the +paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any +one desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage +stamp. + +Address, + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New York. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Caption: THE COMING MILLENNIUM, +WHEN EVERYTHING IS TO BE CHEAP, AND THE WHITE MAN WILL STARVE.] + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Tourists and leisure Travelers will be find to learn that | + | the Erie Railway Company has prepared | + | | + | COMBINATION EXCURSION OR Round Trip Tickets, | + | | + | Valid during the entire season, and embracing Ithaca-- | + | headwaters of Cayuga Lake--Niagara Falls, Lake Ontario, the | + | River St. Lawrence, Montreal, Quebec, Lake Champlain, Lake | + | George, Saratoga, the White Mountains and all principal | + | points of interest in Northern New York, the Canadas, and | + | New England. Also similar Tickets at reduced rates, through | + | Lake Superior, enabling travelers to visit the celebrated | + | Iron Mountains and Copper Mines of that region. By applying | + | at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. 241, 529 and | + | 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich St.; cor. 125th | + | St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton St., Brooklyn; | + | Depots foot of Chambers Street, and foot of 23rd St., New | + | York; No. 3 Exchange Place, and Long Dock Depot, Jersey | + | City, and the Agents at the principal hotels, travelers can | + | obtain just the Ticket they desire, as well as all the | + | necessary information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "The Printing--House of the United States." | + | | + | | + | GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., | + | | + | General JOB PRINTERS, | + | | + | BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, | + | STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail, | + | LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers. | + | COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, | + | CARD Manufacturers, | + | ENVELOPE Manufacturers. | + | FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. | + | | + | 163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., | + | 73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New York. | + | | + | ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under | + | immediate supervision of the proprietors. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," "Water-Lilies," | + | "Chas. Dickens." PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art and | + | Bookstores throughout the world. PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED | + | CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp. | + | | + | L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs,, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage | + | stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance ....................... $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies .......................................... .10 | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten | + | cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine | + | or paper, price, $2.50, for ................. 5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for.. 7.00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | P. O. Box, 2783. NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | + | | + | The New Burlesque Serial, | + | | + | Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | BY | + | | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, | + | | + | Commenced in No. 11. will be continued weekly throughout the | + | year. | + | | + | A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, | + | with superb illustrations of | + | | + | 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | + | TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY. | + | | + | 2ND. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE taken | + | as he appears "Every Saturday." will also be found in the | + | same number. | + | | + | * * * * * | + | | + | Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from this | + | office, free,) Ten Cents. | + | | + | Subscription for One Year, one copy, with $2 Chromo Premium. | + | $4. | + | | + | * * * * * | + | | + | Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | + | serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | + | receipt weekly. | + | | + | We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one | + | who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | + | receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | P. O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau St., New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +GEO. W, WHEAT & Co, PRINTER, NO. 8 SPRUCE STREET. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 18, July 30, +1870, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10014 *** diff --git a/10014-h/10014-h.htm b/10014-h/10014-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..13297f7 --- /dev/null +++ b/10014-h/10014-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,3031 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> + +<html> +<head> + <meta content= + "HTMLTrim (vers 1st October 2003), see http://htmltrim.sourceforge.net" + name="generator"> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content= + "text/html; charset=UTF-8"> + + <title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of PUNCHINELLO Vol. 1, No. + 18.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + * { font-family: Times;} + HR { width: 33%; } + // --> + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10014 ***</div> + + <table width="800" border="1" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">CONANT'S</span></p> + + <p>PATENT BINDERS FOR</p> + + <p><big><big><b>"PUNCHINELLO",</b></big></big></p> + + <p>to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent + post-paid, on receipt of One Dollar,</p> + + <p> by</p> + + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,<br></b></p> + + <p><b>83 Nassau Street, New York City.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">J.M. SPRAGUE</p> + + <p>Is the Authorized Agent of</p> + + <p><big><big><b>"PUNCHINELLO"</b></big></big></p> + + <p>For the</p> + + <p><b>New England States,</b></p> + + <p>To Procure Subscriptions,<br> + and to Employ Canvassers.</p> + </center> + </td> + + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HARRISON BRADFORD & + CO.'S</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>STEEL + PENS.</big></big></big></p> + + <p>These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and + cheaper than any other Pen in the market. Special + attention is called to the following grades, as being + better suited for business purposes than any Pen + manufactured. The</p> + + <p><b>"505," "22,"</b> and the + <b>"Anti-Corrosive."</b></p> + + <p>We recommend for bank and office use.</p> + + <p><b>D. APPLETON & CO.,</b> <b><br> + Sole Agents for United States.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + + <table width="800" border="0" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <center> + <br> + <br> + <img src="images/01.jpg" alt=""><br> + + <h1>PUNCHINELLO</h1> + + <h2>Vol. I. No. 18.</h2> + + <p>SATURDAY, JULY 30, 1870.</p><br> + + <h3>PUBLISHED BY THE</h3><br> + + <h3>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</h3><br> + <br> + + <h4>83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.</h4> + </center><br> + <br> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p>See 15th page for Extra Premiums.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table><br> + + <table style= + "width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p>APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN</p> + + <p> + <big><big><big><b>"PUNCHINELLO"</b></big></big></big></p> + + <p>SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">J. NICKINSON,</p> + + <p>Room No. 4,</p> + + <p>83 NASSAU STREET.</p> + </td> + + <td align="center"> + <p><big><b>TO NEWS-DEALER</b>.</big></p> + + <p><b>Punchinello's Monthly</b>.</p> + + <p>The Weekly Numbers for June,</p> + + <p><b>Bound in a Handsome Cover</b>,</p> + + <p>Is now ready. Price Fifty Cents.</p> + + <p>THE TRADE</p> + + <p>Supplied by the</p> + + <p>AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY,</p> + + <p>Who are now prepared to receive Orders.</p> + </td> + + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"> + <p><b>FORST & AVERELL</b></p> + + <p><b>Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Pres</b></p> + + <p><b>PRINTERS</b>,</p> + + <p><b>EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL + MANUFACTURERS</b>.</p><br> + + <p>Sketches and Estimates furnished upon + application.</p><br> + <b>23 Platt Street, and<br> + 20-22 Gold Street</b>,<br> + [P.O. Box 2845.]<br> + NEW YORK.<br> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td rowspan="2" align="center"> + <p>A NEW AND MUCH-NEEDED BOOK.</p> + + <p><big><big><big><b>MATERNITY</b>.</big></big></big></p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">A POPULAR TREATISE</p> + + <p>For Young Wives and Mothers.</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BY T.S. VERDI, A.M., + M.D.,<br> + OF WASHINGTON, D.C.</p><br> + + <p><small>DR. VERDI is a well-known and successful + Homoeopathic Practitioner, of thorough scientific + training and large experience. His book has arisen from a + want felt in his own practice, as a Monitor to Young + Wives, a Guide to Young Mothers, and an assistant to the + family physician. It deals skilfully, sensibly, and + delicately with the perplexities of early married life, + as connected with the holy duties of Maternity, giving + information which women must have, either in conversation + with physicians, or from such a source as + this—evidently the preferable mode of learning, + for a delicate and sensitive woman. Plain and + intelligible, but without offense to the most fastidious + taste, the style of this book must commend it to careful + perusal. It treats of the needs, dangers, and + alleviations of the time of travail; and gives extended + detailed instructions for the care and medical treatment + of infants and children throughout all the perils of + early life.</small></p> + + <p><small>As a Mother's Manual, it will have a large + sale, and as a book of special and reliable information + on very important topics, it will be heartily + welcomed.</small></p> + + <p><small>Handsomely printed on laid paper: bevelled + boards, extra English cloth, 12mo., 450 pages. Price + $2.25</small>.</p> + + <p><i>For sale by all Booksellers, or will be sent + post-paid on receipt of the price by</i></p> + + <p><b>J.B. FORD & CO., Publishers,<br> + 39 Park Row, New York.</b></p> + </td> + + <td rowspan="2" align="center"> + <p>J. NICKINSON</p> + + <p>Begs to announce to the friends of</p> + + <p><b>"PUNCHINELLO,"</b></p> + + <p>residing in the country, that, for their convenience, + he has made arrangements by which, on receipt of the + price of</p> + + <p><b>ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED</b>,</p> + + <p>the same will be forwarded, postage paid.</p> + + <p>Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing + Houses, can have the same forwarded by inclosing two + Stamps.</p> + + <p>OFFICE OF</p> + + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO</b>.,</p> + + <p><b>83 Nassau Street</b>.</p> + + <p>P.O. Box 2783.</p> + </td> + + <td align="center"> + <p><b>DIBBLEEANIA</b></p> + + <p>AND</p> + + <p>Japonica Juice,</p> + + <p><b>FOR THE HAIR</b>.</p> + + <p>The most effective Soothing and Stimulating Compounds + ever offered to the public for the</p> + + <p><b>Removal of Scurf, Dandruff, &c</b>.</p> + + <p>For consultation, apply at</p> + + <p>WILLIAM DIBBLEE'S,</p> + + <p>Ladies' Hair Dresser and Wig Maker.</p> + + <p><b>854 BROADWAY, N.Y. City</b>.</p> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p>FOLEY'S</p> + + <p><b>GOLD PENS</b>.</p> + + <p>THE BEST AND CHEAPEST.</p> + + <p>256 BROADWAY.</p> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td rowspan="4" style="text-align: center; width: 40%;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big><big>What it + is Not!</big></big></big></big></p><br> + The College Courant is NOT<br> + The College Courant is NOT<br> + The College Courant is NOT<br> + The College Courant is NOT<br> + The College Courant is NOT<br> + The College Courant is NOT<br> + The College Courant is NOT<br> + The College Courant is NOT<br> + <br> + + <table> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td><small>Merely a small student's sheet,<br> + Merely of interest to college men,<br> + Merely a COLLEGE paper,<br> + Merely a local paper,<br> + Merely scientific and educational,<br> + An experiment,<br> + Conducted by students,<br> + Stale and dry,</small><br></td> + + <td><small>But is the largest in N.E.<br> + But to every one,<br> + But is a scientific paper,<br> + But is cosmopolitan,<br> + But is literary,<br> + But an established weekly<br> + But by graduates,<br> + But fresh and interesting</small><br></td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table><br> + It circulates in every College.<br> + It circulates in every Professional School.<br> + It circulates in every Preparatory School.<br> + It circulates in every State in the United States.<br> + It circulates in every civilized country.<br> + It circulates among all College men.<br> + It circulates among all Scientific men.<br> + It circulates among the educated everywhere.<br> + <br> + <br> + July 1st a new volume commences.<br> + July 1st 10,000 new subscribers wanted.<br> + July 1st excellent illustrations will appear.<br> + July 1st 10,000 specimen copies to be issued.<br> + July 1st is a good time to subscribe.<br> + July 1st or any time send stamp for a copy.<br> + + <p><b>TERMS</b>:</p>One year, in advance, - - - - - - - - + - - - - - $4.00<br> + Single copies (for sale by all newsdealers), - - .10<br> + <br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Address</span><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>THE COLLEGE + COURANT,</big></big><br> + <br></span> <big><b>New Haven, Conn</b>.</big><br> + </td> + + <td align="center"> + <p><b>NEWS DEALERS</b>.<br> + <small>ON</small><br> + <b>RAILROADS,<br> + STEAMBOATS</b>,<br> + And at <b><br> + WATERING PLACES</b>,</p> + + <p>Will find the Monthly Numbers of</p> + + <p>"<b>PUNCHINELLO</b>"</p> + + <p><small>For April, May, June, and July, an attractive + and Saleable Work.</small></p> + + <p><small>Single Copies<br> + Price 50 cts.</small></p> + + <p><small>For trade price address American News Co., + or</small></p> + + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING & CO.,</b></p> + + <p><b>83 Nassau Street</b>.</p> + </td> + + <td align="center"> + <p><big><big><b><big><big>$2</big></big><br> + to ALBANY and TROY</b>.</big></big></p> + + <p><b>The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and Daniel + Drew</b>, commencing May 31, will leave vestry st. Pier + at 8.45, and Thirty-fourth st. at 9 a.m., landing at + <b>Yonkers, (Nyack, and Tarrytown</b> by ferry-boat), + <b>Cozzens, West Point, Cornwall, Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, + Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill, Hudson, and + New-Baltimore.</b> A special train of broad-gauge cars in + connection with the day boats will leave on arrival at + Albany (commencing June 20) for <b>Sharon Springs</b>. + Fare <b>$4.25</b> from New York and for Cherry Valley. + The Steamboat <b>Seneca</b> will transfer passengers from + Albany to Troy.</p> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>WEVILL & HAMMAR</b>,</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Wood + Engravers,</big></p> + + <p><b>208 Broadway</b>,</p> + + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + + <td align="center"> + <p>ESTABLISHED 1866. JAS R. NICHOLS, M.D. WM. J. ROLFE. + A.M.<br> + Editors</p> + + <p>Boston Journal of Chemistry.</p> + + <p>Devoted to the Science of <b>HOME LIFE</b>, <b>The + Arts, Agriculture, and Medicine</b>. $1.00 Per Year. + <i>Journal and Punchinello (without Premium).</i> + $4.00</p> + + <p>SEND FOR SPECIMEN-COPY Address—JOURNAL OF + CHEMISTRY, <b>150 CONGRESS STREET, BOSTON</b>.</p> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td rowspan="2" align="center"> + <p>Bowling Green Savings-Bank</p> + + <p>33 BROADWAY,</p> + + <p><b>NEW YORK</b>.</p> + + <p>Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M.</p> + + <p><i>Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents to Ten Thousand + Dollars will be received</i>.</p> + + <p><b>Six per Cent interest, Free of Government + Tax</b></p> + + <p>Commences on the First of every Month.</p> + + <p>HENRY SMITH, <i>President</i></p> + + <p>REEVES E. SELMES, <i>Secretary</i>.</p> + + <p>WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, + <i>Vice-Presidents</i>.</p> + </td> + + <td align="center"> + <p><b>HENRY L. STEPHENS</b>,</p> + + <p><b>ARTIST</b>,</p> + + <p><b>No. 160 FULTON STREET</b>,</p> + + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>GEO. B. BOWLEND</b>,</p> + + <p>Draughtsman & Designer</p> + + <p><b>No. 160 Fulton Street</b>,</p> + + <p>Room No. 11,</p> + + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + + <table width="800" align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="text-align: center;"><small>Entered, according + to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the PUNCHINELLO + PUBLISHING COMPANY,<br> + in the Clerk's Office of the District court of the United + States, for the Southern District of New + York.</small></p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">THE</span> <b>MYSTERY OF + MR. E. DROOD.</b><br> + + <p><b>AN ADAPTATION,</b></p> + + <p>BY ORPHEUS C. KERR.</p> + + <p>CHAPTER XII.</p> + + <p>A NIGHT OF IT WITH MCLAUGHLIN.</p> + + <p>Judge SWEENEY, with a certain supercilious + consciousness that he is figuring in a novel, and that it + will not do for him to thwart the eccentricities of + mysterious fiction by any commonplace deference to the + mere meteorological weaknesses of ordinary human nature, + does not allow the fact that late December is a rather + bleak and cold time of year to deter him from taking + daily airings in the neighborhood of the Ritualistic + churchyard. Since the inscription of his epitaph on his + late wife upon her monument therein, the churchyard is to + him a kind of ponderous work of imagination with marble + leaves, to which he has contributed the most brilliant + chapter; and when he sees any stranger hovering about a + part of the outer railings from whence the inscription + may be read, it is with all the swelling pride of an + author who, having procured the publication of some + dreary article in a magazine, is thrown into an ecstacy + of vanity if he sees but one person glance at that number + of the periodical on a news-stand.</p> + + <p>Since his first meeting with Mr. BUMSTEAD, on the + evening of the epitaph-reading, Judge SWEENEY has + cultivated that gentleman's acquaintance, and been + received at his lodgings several times with considerable + cordiality and lemon-tea. On such occasions, Mr. + BUMSTEAD, in his musical capacity, has sung so closely in + Judge SWEENEY'S ear as to tickle him, a wild and slightly + incoherent Ritualistic stave, to the effect that Saint + PETER'S of Rome, with pontifical dome, would by ballot + Infallible be; but for making Call sure, and Election + secure, Saint Repeater's of Rum beats the See. With + finger in ear to allay the tickling sensation, JUDGE + SWEENEY declares that this young man smelling of cloves + is a person of great intellectual attainments, and + understands the political genius of his country well + enough to make an excellent Judge of Election.</p> + + <p>Walking slowly near the churchyard on this particular + freezing December evening, with his hands behind his + bank, and his eyes intent for any envious husband who may + be "with a rush retiring," monumentally counselled, after + reading the Epitaph, Judge SWEENEY suddenly comes upon + Father DEAN conversing with SMYTHE, the sexton, and Mr. + BUMSTEAD. Bowing to these three, who, like himself, seem + to find real luxury in open-air strolling on a bitter + night in midwinter, he notices that his model, the Ritual + Rector, is wearing a new hat, like Cardinal's, only + black, and is immediately lost in wondering where he can + obtain one like it short of Rome.</p> + + <p>"You look so much like an author, Mr. BUMSTEAD, in + having no overcoat, wearing your paper collar upside + down, and carrying a pen behind your ear," Father DEAN is + saying, "that I can almost fancy you are about to write a + book about us. Well, Bumsteadville is just the place to + furnish a nice, dry, inoffensive domestic novel in the + sedative vein."</p> + + <p>After two or three ineffectual efforts to seize the + end of it, which he seems to think is an inch or two + higher than its actual position, Mr. BUMSTEAD finally + withdraws from between his right ear and head a long and + neatly cut hollow straw.</p> + + <p>"This is not a pen, Holy Father," he answers, after a + momentary glance of majestic severity at Mr. SMYTHE, who + has laughed. "It is only a simple instrument which I use, + as a species of syphon, in certain chemical experiments + with sliced tropical fruit and glass-ware. In the + precipitation of lemon-slices into cut crystal, it is + necessary for the liquid medium to be exhausted + gradually; and, after using this cylinder of straw for + the purpose about an hour ago, I must have placed it + behind my ear in a moment of absent-mindedness."</p> + + <p>"Ah, I see," said Father DEAN, although he didn't. + "But what is this, Judge SWEENEY, respecting your + introduction of MCLAUGHLIN to Mr. BUMSTEAD, which I have + heard about?"</p> + + <p>"Why, your Reverence, I consider JOHN MCLAUGHLIN a + Character," responds the Judge, "and thought our young + friend of the organ-loft might like to study him."</p> + + <p>"The truth is," explains Mr. BUMSTEAD, "that Judge + SWEENEY put into my head to do a few pauper graves with + JOHN MCLAUGHLIN, some moonlight night, for the mere + oddity and dampness of the thing.—And I should + regret to believe," added Mr. BUMSTEAD, raising his voice + as saw that the judiciary was about to + interrupt—"And I should really be loathe to + believe that Judge SWEENEY was not perfectly sober when + he did so."</p> + + <p>"Oh, yes—certainly—I + remember—to be sure," exclaims the Judge, in + great haste; alarmed into speedy assent by the + construction which he perceives would be put upon a + denial. "I remember it very distinctly. I remember + putting it into your head—by the tumblerful, if + I remember rightly."</p> + + <p>"Profiting by your advice," continues Mr. BUMSTEAD, + oblivious to the last sentence, I am going out to-night, + in search of the moist and picturesque, with JOHN + MCLAUGHLIN—"</p> + + <p>"Who is here," says Father DEAN.</p> + + <p>OLD MORTARITY, dinner-kettle in hand and more mortary + than ever, indeed seen approaching them with shuffling + gait. Bowing to the Holy Father, he is about to pass on, + when Judge SWEENEY stops him with—</p> + + <p>"You must be very careful with your friend, BUMSTEAD, + this evening, JOHN MCLAUGHLIN, and see that he don't fall + and break his neck."</p> + + <p>"Never you worry about Mr. BUMSTEAD, Judge," growls + OLD MORTARITY. "He can walk further off the perpendicklar + without tumbling than any gentleman I ever see."</p> + + <p>"Of course I can, JOHN MCLAUGHLIN," says Mr. BUMSTEAD, + checking another unseemly laugh of Mr. SMYTHE'S with a + dreadful frown. "I often practice walking sideways, for + the purpose of developing the muscles on that side. The + left side is always the weaker, and the hip a trifle + lower, if one does not counteract the difference by + walking sideways occasionally."</p> + + <p>A great deal of unnecessary coughing, which follows + this physiological exposition, causes Mr. BUMSTEAD to + breathe hard at them all for a moment, and tread with + great malignity upon Mr. SMYTHE'S nearest corn.</p> + + <p>While yet the sexton is groaning, OLD MORTARITY + whispers to the Ritualistic organist that he will be + ready for him at the appointed hour to-night, and + shuffles away. After which Mr. BUMSTEAD, with the I + hollow straw sticking out fiercely from his ear, + privately offers to see Father DEAN home if he feels at + all dizzy; and, being courteously refused, retires down + the turnpike toward his own lodgings with military + precision of step.</p> + + <p>When night falls upon the earth like a drop of ink + upon the word Sun, and the stars glitter like the points + of so many poised gold pens all ready to write the softer + word Moon above the blot, the organist of St. Cow's sits + in his own room, where his fire keeps-up a kind of + aspenish twilight, and executes upon his accordeon a + series of wild and mutilated airs. The moistened towel + which he often wears when at home is turbaned upon his + head, causing him to present a somewhat Turkish + appearance; and as, when turning a particularly + complicated corner in an air, it is his artistic habit to + hold his tongue between his teeth, twist his head in + sympathy with the elaborate fingering, and involuntarily + lift one foot higher and higher from the floor as some + skittish note frantically dodges to evade him, his + general musical aspect at his own hearth is that of a + partially Oriental gentleman, agonizingly laboring to + cast from him some furious animal full of strange sounds. + Thus engaging in desperate single combat with what, for + making a ferocious fight before any recognizable tune can + he rescued from it, is, perhaps, the most exhausting + instrument known to evening amateurs and maddened + neighborhoods, Mr. BUMSTEAD passes three athletic hours. + At the end of that time, after repeatedly tripping-up its + exasperated organist over wrong keys in the last bar, the + accordeon finally relinquishes the concluding note with a + dismal whine of despair, and retires in complete collapse + to its customary place of waiting. Then the conquering + performer changes his towel for a hat which would look + better if it had not been so often worn in bed, places an + antique black bottle in one pocket of his coat and a few + cloves in the other; hangs an unlighted lantern before + him by a cord passing about his neck, and, with his + umbrella under his arm, goes softly down stairs and out + of the house.</p> + + <p>Repairing to the marble-yard and home of OLD + MORTARITY, which are on the outskirts of Bumsteadville, + he wanders through mortar-heaps, monuments brought for + repair, and piles of bricks, toward a whitewashed + residence of small demensions with a light at the + window.</p> + + <p>"JOHN McLAUGHLIN, ahoy!"</p> + + <p>In response, the master of the mansion promptly opens + the door, and it is then perceptible that his basement, + parlor, spare-bedroom and attic are all on one floor, and + that a couple of pigs are spending the season with him. + Showing his visitor into this ingeniously condensed + establishment, he induces the pigs to retire to a corner, + and then dons his hat.</p> + + <p>"Are you ready, JOHN MCLAUGHLIN?"</p> + + <p>"Please the pigs, I am, Mr. BUMSTEAD," answers + MCLAUGHLIN, taking down from a hook a lantern, which, + like his companion's, he hangs from his neck by a cord. + "My spirits is equal to any number of ghosts to-night, + sir, if we meet 'em."</p> + + <p>"Spirits!" ejaculates the Ritualistic organist, + shifting his umbrella for a moment while he hurriedly + draws the antique bottle from his pocket. "You're nervous + to-night, J. MCLAUGHLIN, and need a little of the + venerable JAMES AKER'S West Indian + Restorative.—I'll try it first to make sure + that I haven't mistaken the phial."</p> + + <p>He rests the elongated orifice of the diaphanous flask + upon his lips for a brief interval of critical + inspection, and then applies it thoughtfully to the mouth + of OLD MORTARITY.</p> + + <p>"Some more! Some more!" pleads the aged MCLAUGHLIN, + when the Jamaican nervine is abruptly jerked from his + lips.</p> + + <p>"Silence! Com on," is the stern response of the other, + who, as he moves from the house, and restores the crystal + antiquity to its proper pocket, eats a few cloves by + stealth. His manner plainly shows that he is offended at + the quantity the old man has managed to swallow + already.</p> + + <p>Strange indeed is the ghastly expedition to the place + of skulls, upon which these two go thus by night. Not + strange, perhaps, for Mr. MCLAUGHLIN, whose very youth in + New York, where he was an active politician, found him a + frequent nightly familiar of the Tombs; but strange for + the organist, who, although often grave in his manner, + sepulchral in his tones, and occasionally addicted to + coughin', must be curiously eccentric to wish to pass + into concert that evening with the dead heads.</p> + + <p>Transfixed by his umbrella, which makes him look like + a walking cross between a pair of boots and a hat, Mr. + BUMSTEAD leads the way athwart the turnpike and several + fields, until they have arrived at a low wall skirting + the foot of Gospeler's Gulch. Here they catch sight of + the Reverend OCTAVIUS SIMPSON and MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON + walking together, near the former's house, in the + moonlight, and, instantaneously, Mr. BUMSTEAD opens his + umbrella over the head of OLD MORTARITY, and drags him + down beside himself under it behind the wall.</p> + + <p>"Hallo! What's all this?" gasps Mr. MCLAUGHLIN, + struggling affrightedly in his suffocating cage of + whalebone and alpaca. "What's this here old lady's + hoop-skirt doing on me?"</p> + + <p>"Peace, wriggling dotard!" hisses BUMSTEAD, jamming + the umbrella tighter over him. "If they see us they'll + want some of the West Indian Restorative."</p> + + <p>Mr. SIMPSON and MONTGOMERY have already heard a sound; + for they pause abruptly in their conversation, and the + latter asks: "Could it have been a ghost?"</p> + + <p>"Ask it if it's a ghost," whispers the Gospeler, + involuntarily crossing himself.</p> + + <p>"Are you there, Mr. G.?" quavers the raised voice of + the young Southerner, respectfully addressing the inquiry + to the stone wall.</p> + + <p>No answer.</p> + + <p>"Well," mutters the Gospeler, "it couldn't have been a + ghost, after all; but I certainly thought I saw an + umbrella. To conclude what I was saying, + then,—I have the confidence in you, Mr. + MONTGOMERY, to believe that you will attend the dinner of + Reconciliation on Christmas eve, as you have + promised."</p> + + <p>"Depend on me, sir."</p> + + <p>"I shall; and have become surety for your punctuality + to that excellent and unselfish healer of youthful + wounds, Mr. BUMSTEAD."</p> + + <p>More is said after this; but the speakers have + strolled to the other side of the Gospeler's house, and + their words cannot be distinguished Mr. BUMSTEAD closes + his umbrella with such suddenness and violence as to + nearly pull off the head of MCLAUGHLIN; drives his own + hat further upon his nose with a sounding blow; takes + several wild swallows from his antique flask; eats two + cloves, and chuckles hoarsely to himself for some + minutes. "Here, 'JOHN MCLAUGHLIN," he says, at last "try + a little more West Indian Restorative, and then we'll go + and do a few skeletons."</p> + + <p>(<i>To be Continued</i>.)</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>What is Likely to be Raised some day, regarding the + Pneumatic Tunnel</b>.</p> + + <p>TUBAL. CAIN.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <center> + <img src="images/04.jpg" alt= + "PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE."> + </center><br> + + <p><b>ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS</b>.</p> + + <p>In order to make this department of PUNCHINELLO as + complete as possible, we have secured the services of the + most competent authorities in literature, art, the + sciences in general, history, biography, and the vast + vague unknown. The answers furnished by us to our + correspondents may therefore be relied upon as being + strictly accurate.</p><span style= + "margin-left: 2em;"><i>Scales</i>.—How old was + DANIEL LAMBERT at the time of his death?</span><br> + + <p><i>Answer</i>.—736 lbs.</p><span style= + "margin-left: 2em;"><i>Ignoramus</i>.—Why were + the Roman <i>Saturnalia</i> so called?</span><br> + + <p><i>Answer</i>.—The proper spelling of the + word is <i>Sauternalia</i>. They were wine feasts; and + the vintage most in favor at them was Haut + Sauterne.</p><span style= + "margin-left: 2em;"><i>Chasseur</i>. Is the antelope to + be classed among the goat family?</span><br> + + <p><i>Answer</i>.—No. MOORE calls it a "deer + gazelle."</p><span style= + "margin-left: 2em;"><i>Armiger</i>.—Is "arm's + length" a recognized measure?</span><br> + + <p><i>Answer</i>.—Yes. It is a <i>Standard</i> + measure, as may be seen in the way that journal is + getting ahead of the <i>Sun</i>, which it keeps at arm's + length.</p><span style= + "margin-left: 2em;"><i>Molar</i>.—Yes; burnt + Cork is an excellent dentifrice. It should not</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">be applied to the teeth + of children, however, as it is apt to impart + an</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">Irish accent, or, in + extreme cases, even a negro dialect.<br> + <br></span> <span style= + "margin-left: 2em;"><i>Bookworm</i>.—Do two + negatives always constitute an affirmative?</span><br> + + <p><i>Answer</i>.—That depends upon the price + charged by the photographer.</p><span style= + "margin-left: 2em;"><i>Sunswick</i>—Is it true + that JAMES FISK, Jr., has purchased Baden and</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">another German + Duchy?</span><br> + + <p><i>Answer</i>.—No: but he could have both if + he wanted two.</p><span style= + "margin-left: 2em;"><i>Rockland</i>.—Who are + the suffering persons represented in DORE'S</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">remarkable picture of + DANTE and VIRGIL visiting the frozen ward of + the</span><br> + <span style= + "margin-left: 2em;"><i>Inferno</i>?</span><br> + + <p><i>Answer</i>.—The Knickerbocker Ice + Company.</p><span style= + "margin-left: 2em;"><i>Solitaire</i>.—On what + day did the Fourth of July fall in the year + 1788?</span><br> + + <p><i>Answer</i>.—On the + Fourth.</p><span style="margin-left: 2em;"><i>James + Lobbs</i>.—How long ago is it since desiccated + soup first came</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">into use?</span><br> + + <p><i>Answer</i>.—At least as long ago as the + days of CROMWELL, whose advice to his troops was "Put + your trust in Providence, and keep your chowder + dry."</p><span style= + "margin-left: 2em;"><i>Bach</i>.—Is the + practice of divorce a mark of civilization?</span><br> + + <p><i>Answer</i>—It is. In the Gorilla family, + (the nearest approach to the human,) divorce is not + practiced, but it is in Indiana, which is usually + considered to be a State of Civilization.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>PAT TO THE QUESTION</b>.</p> + + <p>Our law-makers in Congress—or rather + law-cobblers, for few of them have risen to the dignity + of makers—are asked to repeal the <i>per + cap</i>. duty imposed by California on all Chinamen + imported there.</p> + + <p>The Californians have the authority of Congress + itself, for this duty. By reference to "HEYL'S Rates of + Duties on Imports," page 36, art. 691, under head of "Act + of June 30, 1864, chap. 171," "An act to increase Duties + on Imports," etc., we find "on paddy one cent and a half + per pound." Now if a good-sized Irishman pays $2.25, why + shouldn't a "Celestial" pay as much in proportion to the + weight of his <i>corpus</i>?</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Contradictory</span><br> + + <p>It appears that, by a joint resolution of Congress, + the use of "that first-class humbug and fraud, the + whiskey meter," has been abolished. Now there are dozens + of members of Congress who are not only "first-class + humbugs and frauds," but whiskey meters, to whom whiskey + is both meat and drink, and yet who ever heard of their + proposing to abolish themselves?</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <center> + <img src="images/05.jpg" alt=""> + + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">STAY-AT-HOME + PEOPLE</span></p> + + <p>FOLKS MAY NOT BE ABLE TO GO TO NEWPORT OR LONG + BRANCH, BUT THEY CAN ALWAYS CREATE A LOCAL SENSATION BY + TAKING A FOOT-BATH IN THE BACK-YARD.</p> + </center><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>MURPHY THE CONQUEROR</b></p> + + <p>BY CORPORAL QUINN.</p><span style= + "margin-left: 0.5em;">Come tip us your fist, then, yer + sowl you;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Since iver I come from + the wars</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">The like wasn't heerd. + Fill the bowl you</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Bowld sons of MILESIUS + and MARS;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">And dhrink to ould + Ireland the turfy</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">That's shmilin' out there + in the say,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Wid three cheers for + the conqueror MURPHY.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Whoo! America's ours from + to-day.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Och! SAYZAR he walloped + the Briton,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The Tarthars leap't + China's big wall,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">ALEXANDTHUR did half + the wurld sit on,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">But niver touched Ireland + at all.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">At Clontarf ould BOBU + in the surf he</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Sint tumblin' the + murdtherin' Danes—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">But, yer sowl, the + brave conqueror MURPHY</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Takes the shine out of + all of their panes.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">ULYSSES has made him + Collecthor,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">(Sich choppin' o' heads + ne'er was seen;)</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Sure the hayro will + make me Inspecthor</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Whin there's so many + "wigs on the green."</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">And we'll be + night-watchmen uproarious,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Wid big badges on our + coats,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">And we'll fight for TOM + MURPHY the glorious,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Wid our fists, our guns, + and our votes.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">At the Custom House, + Dutchman and Yankee</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Are thryin' to talk wid a + brogue,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">They're all + <i>Irish</i>, now—fat, lean, or + lanky,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And green are the + neckties in vogue.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">They're thracin' + themselves to some DURPHY,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">O'NEILL, or McCANN, or + O'TAAFFE,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">I'll go bail the bowld + conqueror MURPHY</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">'S too owld to be caught + wid sich chaff.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Now Dutchmin may go to + the divil,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And Yankees to Plymouth's + ould rock,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">We'll blast it, if they + are not civil;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">While boys of the raal + ould stock</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Will hurroo for ould + Ireland the turfy.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Whoo! Jibralthar is taken + to-day,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Our commandther's the + conqueror MURPHY—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Now a tiger and nine + times hoorray!</span><br> + <br> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>COMIC ZOOLOGY.</b></p> + + <p><b>Genus Culex.—The American + Mosquito</b></p> + + <p>Few American birds are better known than the mosquito. + In common with the woodcock, snipe, and other winged + succubi, it breeds in wet places, yet is always dry. Like + them it can sustain life on mud juleps, but prefers + "cluret." It is a familiar creature, seems to regard the + human family as its Blood relations, and is always ready + to sucker them.</p> + + <p>Being a bird of Nocturnal Habits, it is particularly + attracted to human beings in their Night-shirts. The + swallow preys upon it, but it generally eludes the Bat. + Although it cannot be called Noctilucous, like the + lightning bug, it has no objection to alight in the + darkness, and you often knock till you cuss in your vain + attempts to prevent its taking a Shine to you.</p> + + <p>The mosquito differs in most respects from all the + larger varieties of the winged tribes, and upon the whole + takes after man more than any other living thing. + Nevertheless, it certainly bears a noticeable resemblance + to some of the feathered race. Like the Nightingale, it + "sings darkling," and like the woodpecker, is much + addicted to tapping the bark of Limbs and Trunks for the + purpose of obtaining grub. It may be mentioned as an + amiable idiosyncracy of the mosquito, that it is fond of + babies. If there is a child in the house, it is sure to + spot the playful innocent; and by means of an ingenious + contrivance combining the principles of the gimlet and + the air-pump, it soon relieves the little human bud of + its superfluous juices. It is, in fact, a born surgeon, a + Sangrado of the Air, and rivals that celebrated Spanish + Leech in its fondness for phlebotomy. Some infidels, who + do not subscribe to the doctrine that nothing was made in + vain, consider it an unmitigated nuisance, but the devout + and thoughtful Christian recognizes it as Nature's + preventive of plethora, and as it alternately breathes a + Vein and a song, it may be said (though we never heard + the remark,) to combine the <i>utile</i> with the + <i>dulce</i>.</p> + + <p>All the members of the genus are slender and graceful + in their shape and Gnatty in their general appearance. + The common mosquito is remarkable for its strong + attachments. It follows man with more than canine + fidelity, and in some cases, the dog-like pertinacity of + its affection can only be restrained by Muslin. It is of + a roving disposition, seldom remaining settled long in + one locality; and is Epicurean in its + tastes—always living, if possible, on the fat + of the land. As the mosquito produces no honey, mankind + in general are not as sweet upon it as they are upon that + bigger hum-bug, the buzzy bee; yet it is so far akin to + the bee, that, wherever it forages, it produces something + closely resembling Hives.</p> + + <p>Few varieties of game are hunted more industriously + than this, yet such is the fecundity of the species, that + the Sportsman's Club has not as yet thought it necessary + to petition the legislature for its protection.</p> + + <p>The New Jersey Mosquito is the largest known specimen + of the genus, except the Southern Gallinipper, which is + only a few sizes smaller than the Virginia Nightingale, + and raises large speckles similar to those of the Thrush. + Ornithologists who wish to study the habits of the + mosquito in its undomesticated or nomad state, may find + it in angry clouds on the surface of the New Jersey salt + marshes at this season, in company with its teetering + long-billed Congener, the Sandsnipe.</p> + + <p>During the last month of summer it reigns supreme in + the swamps west of Hoboken, the August Emperor of all the + Rushes, and persons of an apoplectic turn, who wish to + have their surplus blood determined to the surface + instead of to the head, will do well to seek the hygienic + insect there.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>An Apt Quotation.</b></p> + + <p>The name "Louvre" has now been adopted by several + places of entertainment in New York and its suburbs. A + Boston gentleman, who visited seven of them a night or + two since, under the escort of a policeman, declares + that, by a slight alteration of a line of MOORE's, New + York may be well described as—</p> + + <p>"A place for Louvres, and for Louvres only."</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>THE WATERING PLACES</b>.</p> + + <p><b>Punchinello's Vacations</b>.</p> + + <p>Mr. PUNCHINELLO puts up at the Atlantic Hotel when he + goes to Cape May; and if you were to ask him why, he + would tell you that it was on account of the admirable + water-punches which JOHN McMAKIN serves up. To be sure + these mixtures do not agree with Mr. P., but he likes to + see people enjoying themselves, even if he can't do it + himself. It is this unselfish disposition, this love of + his fellow-men, that enables him to maintain that + constant good humor so requisite to his calling. In fact, + though Mr. P. often says sharp things, he never gets + angry. When, on Thursday of last week, he was walking + down the south side of Jackson street, and a man asked + him did he want to buy a bag, Mr. P. was not enraged. He + knew the man took him for a greenhorn, but then the man + himself was a Jerseyman. It is no shame to be a greenhorn + to a Jerseyman. Quite the reverse. Mr. P. would blush if + he thought there lived a "sand-Spaniard" who could not + take advantage of him. So Mr. P. bought the bag, and + because it was made of very durable canvas, and would + last a great while, he paid a dollar for it.</p> + + <p>He did not ask what it was for. He knew. It was to put + Cape May Diamonds in! He put the bag in his pocket and + walked along the beach for three miles. You can't walk + more than three miles here, and if you hire a carriage + you will find that you can't ride less than that + distance. Which makes it bad, sometimes. However, when + Mr. P. had finished his three miles, he didn't want to go + any further. He stopped, and gazing carelessly around to + see that no one noticed him, pulled out his canvas bag + and did shuffle a little in the sand with his feet. He + <span style="font-style: italic;">might</span> find some + diamonds, you know, just as likely as any of the hundreds + of other people, who, in other sequestered parts of the + beach, were pulling out other canvas bags, and shuffling + in the sand with other feet. At length Mr. P. shuffled + himself into a very sequestered nook indeed, and there he + saw a man smoking. His melancholy little boy was sitting + by his side. Perceiving that it was only General GRANT, + Mr. P. advanced with his usual grace and suavity of + manner.</p> + + <p>"Why, Mr. President!" said he, "I thought you would be + found at Long Branch this season."</p> + + <p>"Long—thunder!" ejaculated the General, his + face as black as the ace of spades, (which, by the way, + is blue.) "I might go to Nova Zembla for a quiet smoke, + and some sneaking politician would crawl out from the ice + with a petition. I went fishing in Pennsylvania, and I + found twenty of those fellows to every trout. However, I + don't mind you. Take a seat and have a cigar."</p> + + <center> + <img src="images/06a.jpg" alt=""> + </center> + + <p>Mr. P. took the seat, (which was nothing to brag of,) + and a cigar, (which would have been a great deal to brag + of, if he had succeeded in smoking it,) and, after a + whiff or two, asked his companion how it was that he came + to send such a message to Congress about Cuba.</p> + + <p>"What message?" said GRANT, absently.</p> + + <p>Mr. P. explained.</p> + + <p>"Oh," said GRANT, "that one! Didn't you like it? CALEB + CUSHING wrote it and brought it to me, and I signed it. + If you had written one and brought it to me, I would have + signed that. 'Tisn't my fault if the thing's wrong. What + would you expect of a man?"</p> + + <p>Mr. P. concluded that in this case it was ridiculous + to expect anything else, and so he changed the + subject.</p> + + <p>That afternoon Mr. P. bathed.</p> + + <p>He went to SLOAN'S and fitted himself out in a bathing + suit, and very lovely he looked in it, when he emerged + from the bathing house at high tide. With a red tunic; + green pants; and a very yellow hat, he resembled a + frog-legged Garibaldian, ready for the harvest.</p> + + <p>When he hurried to the water's edge, he hesitated for + a moment. The roaring surf was so full of heads, legs, + arms, back-hair, hats and feet, that he feared there was + no room for him. However, he espied a vacancy, and + plunged into the briny deep.</p> + + <p>How delicious! How cool! How fresh! How salt! How + splendid!</p> + + <p>He struck out with his legs; he struck out with his + arms; he dived with his whole body. He skimmed beneath + the green waters; he floated on the rolling wave-tips; he + trod water; he turned heels over head in the emerald + depths; and thus, gamboling like an Infant Triton, he + passed out beyond the breakers. It was very pleasant + there. Being a little tired, he found the change from the + surging waves to the gentle chuck and flop of the deep + water, most delightful. Languidly, to rest himself, he + threw his arm over a rock just peeping above the water. + But the rock gave a start and a yawn.</p> + + <p>It was a sleeping shark!</p> + + <p>The startled fish opened his eyes to their roundest, + and backed water.</p> + + <p>So did Mr. P.</p> + + <p>For an instant they gazed at each other in utter + surprise. Then the shark began slowly to sink. Mr. P. + knew what that meant. The monster was striving to get + beneath him for the fatal snap!</p> + + <p>Mr. P. sank with him!</p> + + <p>With admirable presence of mind he kept exactly even + with the fish.</p> + + <center> + <img src="images/06b.jpg" alt=""> + </center> + + <p>At last they reached the bottom.</p> + + <p>Mr. P. was nearly suffocated, but he determined that + he would strangle rather than rise first. The shark + endeavored to crawl under him, but Mr. P. clung to the + bottom.</p> + + <p>The fish then made a feint of rising, but, in an + instant, Mr. P. had him around the waist!</p> + + <p>The affrighted shark darted to the surface, and Mr. P. + inhaled at least a gallon of fresh air. Never before had + oxygen tasted so good!</p> + + <p>On the surface the struggle was renewed, but Mr. P. + always kept undermost.</p> + + <p>At last they rested from the contest, and lay panting + on the surface of the water, glaring at each other.</p> + + <p>The shark, who was a master of <i>finesse</i>, swam + out a little way, to where the water was deeper, and then + slowly sank, intending, if Mr. P. followed him again to + the bottom, to stay there long enough to drown the + unfortunate man. But Mr. P. knew a trick worth two of + that.</p> + + <p><i>He didn't follow him at all</i>! He swam towards + shore as fast as he could, and when the shark looked + around, to see if he was coming, he was safe within the + line of surf.</p> + + <p>Need it be said that when he reached dry laud, Mr. P. + became a hero with the crowds who had witnessed this + heroic struggle?</p> + + <p>That evening, as Mr. P. sat upon the portico of his + hotel, there came unto him, in the moonlight, a maiden of + the latest fashion.</p> + + <p>"Sir," she softly murmured "are you the noble hero who + overcame the shark?"</p> + + <p>Mr. P. looked up at her.</p> + + <p>Her soft eyes were dimmed with irresponsible + emotion.</p> + + <p>"I am," said he.</p> + + <p>The maiden stood motionless. Her whole frame was + agitated by a secret struggle.</p> + + <p>At length she spoke.</p> + + <p>"Is there a Mrs. P.?" she softly said.</p> + + <p>Mr. P. arose. He grasped the back of his chair with + trembling hand. His manly form quivered with a secret + struggle.</p> + + <p>He looked upon her!</p> + + <p>He gazed for a moment, with glowing, passionate eyes, + upon that matchless form—upon that angelic + face, and then—he clasped his brows in hopeless + agony. Stepping back, he gave the maiden one glance of + wildest love, followed by another of bitterest despair; + and sank helpless into his chair.</p> + + <center> + <img src="images/07a.jpg" alt=""> + </center> + + <p>The maiden leaned, pale and trembling, against a + pillar; but hearing the approach of intruders, she + recovered herself with an effort.</p> + + <p>"Farewell," she whispered. "I know! I know! There + <i>is</i> a Mrs. P.!"—and she was gone.</p> + + <p>Mr. P. arose and slipped out into the night, shaken by + a secret struggle. He laid upon the sand and kicked up + his heels.</p> + + <p><i>There isn't any</i> Mrs. P.!</p> + + <p>Mr. P. does not wish to sweep his hand rudely o'er the + tender chords of any heart, but he wants it known that he + is neither to be snapped up by sharks in the sea, or by + young women at watering places.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>A DOG'S TALE</b>.</p> + + <p><b>Dogmatic</b>.</p> + + <p>I am only a dog, I admit; but do you suppose dogs have + no feeling? I guess if you were kicked out of every + door-way you ran into, and driven away from every meat + stand or grocery you happened to smell around, you would + think you had feelings.</p> + + <p>When I see some dogs riding in carriages, looking so + grandly out of the windows, or others walking along + proudly by the side of their owners, I have a feeling of + dislike for the very thought of liberty!</p> + + <p>I sometimes go with the crowd to a lecture-room, and + listen to the speeches about freedom and liberty, the + hatred of bondage, and all that sort of thing. I get my + tail up, and wish I could tell them what liberty really + is. There is nothing worse in the world than this running + around loose, with no one to look after you, and no one + for you to look after; no one to notice you when you wag + your tail, and to have no occasion for so doing. You go + out and you come in, and nobody cares. If you never come + back, no one troubles himself about you.</p> + + <p>Every day I hear men reading in the papers about some + lucky dogs having strayed, or having been stolen, a large + reward being offered for their recovery: and I envy each + lost dog! I wonder who would advertise for me if I got + lost! Alas! no one. They would not give me a bone to + bring me back, or to keep me from drowning myself. But + every boy in the street thinks he has a right to throw + stones at me; and tie tin-kettles to my tail; and chase + me when I have had the good luck to find a bone; and to + set big dogs upon me to worry me when I am faint from + hunger and haven't much pluck; and worse than all, chase + me and cry "Ki-yi," when I am almost dying of thirst!</p> + + <p>If you only knew how hard it is for a poor dog to make + his way in the world, with no one to help him to a + mouthful of food, you would feel sorry for us.</p> + + <p>But I think we might get along better if it wasn't for + the scarcity of water. I hardly know a spot in the city + where I can get a drink; and many a time I have gone all + day without a drop.</p> + + <p>If I happen to hang out my tongue and droop my tail, + my ears are saluted with "Mad dog! Let's kill him!" You + need not wonder I sometimes turn round, and snap at my + pursuers. I think you would snap, too, if you were chased + through street and lane and alley, till your blood was in + a perfect fever, and you hardly knew which way you were + running! I have, on many such occasions, actually run + past a beautiful bone that lay handy on the side-walk, + and never stopped to smell it.</p> + + <p>Oh! I wish some one would take me prisoner, and + continue to own me, and keep me in bondage as long as I + lived! I should only be too happy to give up my liberty, + and settle down and be a respectable dog!</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>A Bute-Iful Idea</b>.</p> + + <p>The Marquis of Bute denies that he is going to return + to the Protestant fold. With reference to the rumor, the + Pope stated in the Ecumenical Council that "the Bute was + on the right leg at last, and that he would launch his + thunder against him who should dare that Bute + displace."</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>WHAT IS IT</b>?</p> + + <p>As the shades of night descend (in the neighborhood of + Mecklenburg, N.C.,) and harmless domestic animals begin + to compose themselves to sleep, suddenly the drowsy world + is awakened by a roaring like that of a lion! It proceeds + from the forest, in whose bosky recesses (as the + Mecklenburgers suppose) some terrible creature proclaims + his hunger and his inclination to appease it with human + flesh! All night long the quaking denizens of that hamlet + lie and listen to the roaring, which is an effectual + preventive of drowsiness, as the moment any one begins to + be seized with it he also begins to fancy he is about to + be seized and deglutinated by the horrid monster! + Naturalists are positive it is not the Gyascutis, but + admit that a Megatherium may have lately awakened from + the magnetic sleep of ages, with the pangs of a mighty + hunger tearing his wasted viscera.</p> + + <p>If our theory is correct, the good people of + Mecklenburg (was it not in Mecklenburg that the agitation + for Independence began?) may be assured that deliverance + from this unreasonable Dragon is possible. We think it + more than likely that it is simply GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN + practicing for the next invasion of Great Britain. + Nothing could be more harmless. One Ku-Kluxian youth, + armed with a double-barrelled shot-gun, four + bowie-knives, and a number of revolvers, could rout him + instantly, and even check the flow of his vociferous + eloquence so suddenly as to put him in imminent danger of + asphyxia.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <center> + <img src="images/07b.jpg" alt=""> + + <p><b>RETRIBUTION</b>.</p> + + <p>THE BOYS OF SAN FRANCISCO, EXASPERATED AT THE + CONVERSION OF THEIR DOGS INTO PIE, TIE KETTLES TO THE + TAILS OF THE CHINAMEN.</p> + </center><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>Giving the Cue</b>.</p> + + <p>"Is that one of your Chinese <i>belles</i>? asked Mr. + PUNCHINELLO of Mr. KOOPMAN-SCHOOP, as one of the + newly-imported yallagals passed.</p> + + <p>"Yes," replied Mr. K. "You can always tell a Chinese + bell from a Chinese gong by the bell-pull attached to + it."</p> + + <p>Mr. P. immediately presented his <i>chapeau</i> to Mr. + K.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>HINTS FOR—THOSE WHO WILL TAKE + THEM</b>.</p> + + <p>Mr. PUNCHINELLO: Your invaluable "Hints for the + Family," published some time since, seem destined to work + a revolution in our domestic economy; as the plans you + propose must win the admiration of housekeepers by their + extreme simplicity, aside from any other motives to their + adoption. I have myself tested several of your methods, + and find that you speak from thorough and circumstantial + knowledge of your subject In bread-making, for instance, + we find that when the cat reposes in the dough, it (the + dough) will not rise, though the cat does. But in the + clock manufacture, we fear you have divulged one of the + secrets of the trade.</p> + + <p>Your little invention for carrying a thread should be + recommended to students and other isolated beings, + notwithstanding their unaccountable propensity to pierce + other substances than the cloth. They would find driving + the needle through much facilitated by a skilful use of + the table formerly described.</p> + + <p>Permit me to make a few additional suggestions.</p> + + <p>Get some worsted and a pair of needles; set up from + twenty to forty stitches, more or less, and knit till you + are tired. When finished—(the + knitting)—draw out the needles and bite off the + thread. You will thus have made an elegant lamp-mat, of + the same color as the worsted, and the very thing for a + Christmas present to your grandmother.</p> + + <p>This is a very graceful employment, and a great + favorite with ladies; in fact, some ladies seem so + infatuated with work of that kind, that, according to the + new theory of the Future, a fruition of fancy-work will + be amongst their other blissful realizations. And so, + after surveying Deacon QUIRK'S spiritual potato fields, + or perhaps some fresh (spiritual) manifestation of Miss + PHELPS'S piety and intelligence, we may have the pleasure + of seeing the sun and moon hung with tidies, and a + lamp-mat under each star.</p> + + <p>Take your rejected sketches and compositions, cut them + in strips two or three inches wide, and as long as the + paper will permit. Fold these strips lengthwise as narrow + as possible, and smooth the edges down flat with your + finger. When finished, or perhaps before, you will find + you have made a bunch of excellent lamp-lighters.</p> + + <p>Get a suit of clothes—broadcloth is the + best—and a pair of boots to stand them in. + Button the coat, and insert in the neck any vegetable you + choose, so that it be large enough, (one of the drum-head + species is the best,) and finish with a hat You will then + find, doubtless to your surprise and delight, that you + have <b>a man</b>, or an excellent substitute for one, + equal, if not superior to the genuine article, warranted + to be always pleased with his dinner, and never, + necessarily, in the way. Some people may object to its + lack of intelligence, as compared with the original, but + careful investigation has shown that the difference is + very slight; yet, admitting even this to be a positive + fault, it is amply counterbalanced by negative merits. + Your correspondent who writes about "The Real Estate of + Woman," will be relieved to find that the threatened + dearth in husbands can be so readily obviated.</p> + + <p>Very truly,</p> + + <p>ANN O. BLUE.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>For Singers, Only</b>.</p> + + <p>What is the best wine for the voice?</p> + + <p>Canary.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>A Chop-House Aphorism</b>.</p> + + <p>Customers who fee waiters may always be sure of their + Feed.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>Washy</b>.</p> + + <p>The daily papers tell us that "Sixty-Eight Thousand + persons visited the public baths during last week."</p> + + <p>They went in—a week lot—and came + out sixty-eight thousand strong.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>Constructive Genius</b>.</p> + + <p>"A poor woman in Utica, who owns three houses and is + building another, sends her children into the streets + daily to beg."</p> + + <p>Quite right. While the youngsters beg in the streets, + let the enterprising old lady go on and begin another + house.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>A Result of the Mongol</b>.</p> + + <p>Owing to the influx of Chinamen into this country, the + edict against allowing dogs to run at large during the + Summer has been relaxed.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <center> + <img src="images/08.jpg" alt=""> + + <p><b>BOMBASTES BONAPARTE</b>:</p> + + <p>NOW PERFORMING AT THE THEATRE FRANCAIS.</p>"He who + would these Boots displace<br> + Must meet BOMBASTES face to face." + </center><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <center> + <img src="images/09.jpg" alt=""> + + <p><b>THE NEW PANDORA'S BOX</b>.</p> + + <p>REPRESENTATIVE MANUFACTURER, (<i>springing open + Chinese surprise + box</i>.)—"THERE!—WHAT DO YOU THINK + OF THAT LITTLE JOKER?"</p> + + <p>KNIGHT OF ST. CRISPIN.—"PSHAW! THAT'S A + MEAN TRICK: WAIT TILL I OPEN <i>MY</i> BOX!"</p> + </center><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>HIRAM GREEN ON THE CHINESE</b>.</p> + + <p><b>He write a letter to the North Adams Shoe + Manufacturer.—New Occupation for the "Coming + Man</b>."</p><br> + + <p> NSBORO, NYE ONTO VARMONT, <i>July the + 11th</i>, 18-<i>Seventy</i>.</p> + + <p>MISTER SAMPSON:</p> + + <p>Selestial sir:—I take my goose quil in hand + to rite you a letter. I like your stile—you + soot me. I myself have been an old Statesman, having + served my country for 4 years as Gustise of the Peece, + raisin' sed offis to a higher standard than usual, as + well as raisin' an interestin' family of eleven healthy + children. Upon the linements of their countenance the + features and stamp of GREEN stands out in bold relief. + They are all genuine Green-bax.</p> + + <p>A little cloud no bigger than a man's hand made its + appearance over the golden streets of San Francisco.</p> + + <p>It is growin' bigger, and afore we know it, will be + bigger than a white elefant.</p> + + <p>You have ceased the dilemer by the horn which hangs + suspended from the dilemer's head, like the tail of a + kite.</p> + + <p>While you have set the Chinees peggin' away puttin' + bottoms on shoes, a great many are peggin' away "putin' a + head onto you."</p> + + <p>In the present statis of things you want to blow up + your nerve, and stand as firm as the rox of Jiberalter, + and like BYRON exclaim:</p><span style= + "margin-left: 0.5em;">"To be or not to be, there's the + question;—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Whether a man feels + better to pay big wages for shoemakers,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Or to suffer the slings + and arrows of everybody,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">By hirin' Pig-tails for + 1/2 price?"</span><br> + + <p>Poleticians of the different churches don't endorse + our Selestial brother. But, sir, I'll venter a few + dollars, that if the children of the son—and + dorter—leaned towards either party, he would be + gobled up quicker'n scat, even if he come red hot from + old LUCIFER, with a pocket full of free passes, for the + whole nashun, to the Infernal regions.</p> + + <p>That's so. A vote's a vote, if it comes from + Greenland's coral strand or Afric's icy mountains. I feel + a good deal towards you as a nabor of mine, named JOE + BELCHER, once did.</p> + + <p>JOE likes his tod, and can punish as much gin and + tansy as a New York alderman can, when drinkin' at the + sity's expense.</p> + + <p>JOE went to camp meetin' last week, and, I am pained + to say it, JOSEF got drunker than a biled owl.</p> + + <p>While one of the brethern was preachin', JOE sot on a + pine log tryin' to make out wether the preacher was a + double-headed man, or whether 2 men were holdin' + forth.</p> + + <p>"Who'll stand up for the carpenter's Son?" sed the + preacher.</p> + + <p>This made JOE look around.</p> + + <p>The question was again repeated.</p> + + <p>Again JOE looked around for an answer.</p> + + <p>Again the preacher said: "Who'll stand up for + Him?"</p> + + <p>JOE by this time had got onto his feet, and was + steadyin' himself by holdin' onto a tree, while he sung + out:</p> + + <p>"I say (hic!) ole feller, Ile stand up (hic!) for him, + or any 'orrer man who hain't got any (hic!) more fren's + than he has (hic!) in this 'ere crowd."</p> + + <p>I feel a good deal as JOE did. Anybody who hain't got + any more frends than you have, Mr. SAMPSON, has my + sympathy.</p> + + <p>For bringin' these <i>hily morril</i> and + <i>refined</i> Monongohelians to Massachusetts is a big + feather in your cap, and you will receive your reward + bime-bye.</p> + + <p>"The wages of sin is death."</p> + + <p>But the wages of a Chinyman is money in a man's + pocket. They work cheap.</p> + + <p>I am trying to get the Chinese substituted for canal + hosses.</p> + + <p>A man here by the name of SNYDER, who runs a canal + Hoss to our Co., talks of sendin' for a lot.</p> + + <p>Won't they be bang up with their cues hitcht to a + canal bote snakin' it along at the rate of a mile inside + of 2 hours. "G'lang! Tea leaf."</p> + + <p>Then when they was restin' from their labors, by tyin' + 2 of 'em together by their cues, stand one opposite the + other and hang close between 'em to dry, on washin' + day.</p> + + <p>What an aristocratic thing Chiny close-line posts + would be. The only drawback that I know of is, that the + confounded posts mite some day walk off with all the + close.</p> + + <p>But, sir, if they served me in that manner, I would + cover the ground with broken crockery by smashin' their + old Chiny mugs for 'em.</p> + + <p>Since you've awoken to <i>notorosity</i>, I have been + studdyin' out your family pedigree.</p> + + <p>I find your Antsisters are connected with long hair + more or less, same as you be with Chiny pig-tails.</p> + + <p>Old SAMPSON the first's strength, like your'n of + to-day, lade in his long hair.</p> + + <p>He could cut off more heads, and slay more Fillistians + with the jaw bone of a member of Congress than the + President of these U.S. can by makin' a new deal in the + Custom house department.</p> + + <p>And, sir, I reckon about these days, we are getting + rather more of that same kind of jaw bone than is + healthy.</p> + + <p>I am afrade not.</p> + + <p>Mrs. SAMPSON worked like a kag of apple sass in hot + weather, to find out where her old man's strength was. + When she found out, what did she do? Why, she got a pair + of sheep shears and cropped him closer'n a state prison + bird, and tryin' to lift a house full of fokes, it fell + onto him and smashed him.</p> + + <p>Like LOT'S wife, she'd orter been turned into a pillow + of salt, and then the pillow had orter been sewed up and + cast into the sea.</p> + + <p>Another of the SAMPSONS wouldn't even chop off MARIAR + ANTERNETTE'S head until her hair had been cut off, so he + could peel her top-knot off slick and cleen.</p> + + <p>Lookin' back at these cheerful antsisters of your'n, + it's no wonder you go in for long haired labor. It runs + in the SAMPSON blood.</p> + + <p>The public is cussin' you from DANIEL to BEEBSHEBER, + because you've brought a lot of modern Philistines to + Massachusetts.</p> + + <p>Let 'em cus.</p> + + <p>That's their lay.</p> + + <p>Your'n is, to bild up a fortin, if Poor-houses for + white laborers to live in is thicker in North Adams than + goose pimples on a fever and ager sufferer's form.</p> + + <p>As old Grandma SAMPSON cut off her old man's long + hair, so she could handle him in one of them little + fireside scrimmages which we married fokes enjoy, so + fokes would crop you, my hi toned old Joss stick.</p> + + <p>But I've writ more'n I intended to. I would like to + have you come and make us a visit.</p> + + <p>Bring along your wife, DELIAL. Tell her to bring her + croshay work.</p> + + <p>Mrs. GREEN is interestin' company among wimmen.</p> + + <p>What MARIAR don't know about her nabors, don't + happen.</p> + + <p>Then her veel pot-pies and ingin puddins are just + rats.</p> + + <p>She can nock the spots off from any woman who wears a + waterfall, gettin' up a good square meal.</p> + + <p>Anser soon, and don't forget to pay your own + postige.</p> + + <p>Hopin' you are sound on the goose and able to enjoy + your <i>Swi lager und Sweitzer</i>,</p> + + <p>I am thine, old hoss,</p> + + <p>HIRAM GREEN, Esq.,</p> + + <p>Lait Gustise of the Peece.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>TREATMENT FOR POTATO BUGS</b>.</p> + + <p>Mr. CLARK JOHNSON, of Pendleton, Indiana, not at all + discouraged by the signal failures of many previous + campaigns against the Bug, has entered the (potato) field + with a new weapon, viz.: a mixture of Paris Green and + Ashes. Applied frequently, as a Top Dressing, this gentle + stimulant imparts a new energy to the vine, and also to + the Bug, who thus becomes so vigorous, and at the same + time restless, that an uncontrollable impulse seizes him + to visit the home of his ancestors, (Colorado.) Here, as + is supposed by Mr. JOHNSON, the fictitious energy that + had been supplied by the Mixture deserts the immigrant, + who now settles down contentedly, nor ever roams + again.</p> + + <p>As (owing to the present facilities of freighting, + etc.,) the Potatoes of Pendleton may eventually find the + New York market, which always invites the superior + esculent, we would like to suggest to Mr. JOHNSON that + this Mixture be administered to the Bug with a spoon, and + not sprinkled promiscuously on the ground. We have drank + Tea with a "green flavor," and found it comparatively + innocuous; but Potatoes with a green flavor, (especially + if flavored by the JOHNSONIAN method,) we should consider + as doubtful, to say the least. It is the general + impression that there is nothing Green in Paris; but your + house painter knows there is such a thing as Paris Green, + and that it is the oxyde of copper. Therefore, should one + eat many of the potatoes nourished as above, we should + expect to see him gradually turning into a Bronze + Statue—a fate which, unless he were + particularly Greeky and nice-looking, we should wish to + anticipate, if possible, in the interests of art.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <center> + <img src="images/12.jpg" alt=""> + + <p>MR. SWACHENBACKER, OF THE AIRY 'UN SOCIETY, CREATES + A SENSATION AMONG THE LADY BATHERS AT "THE BRANCH," BY + APPEARING AMONG THEM AS A MERMAN, WITH A REAL + LOOKING-GLASS AND A FALSE TAIL.</p> + </center><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>Fashionable Intelligence.</b></p> + + <p>Two colors that once were fashionable in the Parisian + <i>toilette</i>, viz.: BISMARCK brown and Prussian blue, + are now excluded from court circles, by command of the + Empress.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>Weather or No.</b></p> + + <p>Most remarkable in the history of mathematics are the + calculations published by the weather-prophet of the + <i>Express</i>. Arithmetic turns pale when she glances at + them, and, striking her multiplication table with her + algebraic knuckles, demands to know why the + <i>Express</i> does not add a Cube-it to its + THATCHER.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>Comparative Industry.</b></p> + + <p>It is reported that "the journeymen lathers demand + four dollars per day." As a question of comparative soap, + the latherers will in due time strike too. The ultimatum + will be-"Raise our pay or we drop the Razor."</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>"Omnibus Hoc," etc.</b></p> + + <p>What is the difference between theft in an omnibus and + the second deal at cards?</p> + + <p>One is a Game of the Stage, and the other is a Stage + of the Game.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>OUR AGRICULTURAL COLUMN.</b></p> + + <p><b>Memorabilia of "What I Know About Farming."</b></p> + + <p>Profound subjects should be well meditated upon. A man + may write about "New America," or "Spiritual Wives," or + any such light and airy subject, without possessing much + knowledge, or indulging in much thought, but he can't + play such tricks upon Agriculture. She is very much like + a donkey: unless you are thoroughly acquainted with her + playful ways, she will upset you in a quagmire. Perhaps + it is due to my readers that I should say here that I + have read a great many valuable treatises upon this + subject, among which may be named, "Cometh up as a + Flour," "Anatomy of Melon-cholly," "Sowing and Reaping," + one thousand or two volumes of Patent Office Reports, and + three or four bushels of "Proverbial Philosophy." I would + also add, that I invariably remain awake on clear nights, + and think out the ideas set down in this column. Probably + you may not be able to find traces of all that labor + here, but I assure you that those books are more familiar + to me than is my catechism. However, anybody who thinks + he knows more about vegetables than I do, can send me a + letter containing his information, and, if I don't + cabbage it, I will plant it carefully in the bottom of + the waste paper basket. We now proceed to consider.</p> + + <p>PAR'S NIPS.</p> + + <p>This vegetable always flourishes in a moist soil, + though it generally has a holy horror of <i>aqua + pura</i>. Some of them are of an immense size; I have + seen them fill a tumbler. Producers, however, generally + charge more for the large ones than for the small. The + size of the nip usually depends upon the par. It may be + that your par's nip is extremely small, while JOHN + SMITH'S par's nip is very large. Four fingers is, I + believe, considered to be the regulation size.</p> + + <p>This vegetable is served up in a variety of forms. + Some pars like it with milk; in that case it is generally + "hung up." In the winter it is often called a sling or a + punch; in the summer it is denominated a cobbler or a + jew-lip. Perhaps it would be well for those who love it, + to indulge in par's nip now, for some people say, that in + the days of the "coming man" there will be no par's nips. + It must be admitted that the father of a family, who + indulges too freely in par's nip, is very likely to run + to seed, and to plant himself in such unfruitful places + as the gutter. If he be a young par, he may become a + rake, and fork over his money, and then ho! for the + alms-house.</p> + + <p>Numerous efforts have been made to suppress this + vegetable, among which may be reckoned, "Father, dear + Father, come home with me now," Brother GOUGH'S circus, + and the parades of the F.M.T.A.B. Societies. Maine and + Vermont Neal together in the front rank of its opponents. + In Boston they tried to suppress this vegetable, but, if + you followed your par to a store and heard him order a + cracker, you could smell par's nip.</p> + + <p>Among the mild varieties of this article may be + mentioned benzine, camphene and kerosene; the next + strongest kind is called Jersey lightning; but, if you + desire par's nips in their most luxuriant form, go to + Water street and try the species known as + "rot-gut."</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>OUR PORTFOLIO.</b></p> + + <p>Poetry is the exclusive birthright of no age of + people. The dirtiest Hindoo sings to his <i>fetish</i> + the songs of the Brahmin muse, with as keen a relish as + the most devout Christian does the hymns of Dr. WATTS. + Melody comes of Heaven, and is a gift vouchsafed to all + generations, and all kinds of men. In proof of this, let + us adduce a single extract from the great epic of the + Hawaiian poet, POPPOOFI, entitled "Ka Nani + E!"</p><span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Ka nani e! ka + nani e!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 3em;">Alohi puni no</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Mai luna, a mai lalo + nei,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 3em;">A ma na mea a + pau.</span><br> + + <p>We would call the attention of our readers + particularly to the sublime sentiment of the second line. + "Alohi puni no," sings the peerless POPPOOFI, and where, + in the pages of that other Oriental HOMER, the Persian + HAFI, can be found anything half so magnificent? There + may be critics bigoted enough to think that the last line + destroys the effect of the other three; but <i>we</i> + don't. PUNCHINELLO would much rather discover the good in + a thing at any time, than go a-fishing on Sundays.</p> + + <p>It is not in the nature of a properly constituted + human being to lay his hand upon his heart and + chant:</p><span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">"Ka nani e! + Ka nani e!"</span><br> + + <p>in the presence of his mother-in-law, without feeling + that life is not so miserable as some people would make + it out. In the words of ALEXANDER SELKIRK'S man FRIDAY: + "<i>Palmam qui meruit ferat</i>."</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>THE PLAYS AND SHOWS</b>.</p> + + <p><img src="images/13.jpg" align="left" alt="E">mmet is + a name which has heretofore been associated in the public + mind with the Negro Minstrel business. Certain weird + barbaric melodies, which defy all laws of musical + composition, but which haunt one like a dream of a lonely + night on some wild African river, are said to have been + written by "OLD EMMET." Is there any such person? Has any + one actually seen "OLD EMMET" in the flesh, and + with—say a high hat and a cotton umbrella? For + my part I disbelieve in the popular theory of the origin + of these EMMETIC melodies which stir one so strangely. + They are not the work of any earthly song writer, but are + born of some untuned Eolian harp played upon by uncertain + breezes, that murmur the memory of tropical groves and + sigh with the sadness of exile. There is no "OLD EMMET." + If there is, let him be brought forward—not to + be chucked out of the window, as Mrs. F.'s AUNT might + suggest,—but to be thanked and wondered at as + an inchoate OFFENBACH, who might, under other + circumstances, have written an American opera-bouffe, or, + better still, as a possible CHOPIN, who might have + written a second "March Funébre" as hopeless and + desolate and fascinating as that of the despairing and + poetic Pole. (I am coming to "FRITZ" in a moment, but I + won't be hurried by any one.)</p> + + <p>As for JOSEPH K. EMMET, he is an undoubted reality. If + you don't believe it, go to WALLACK'S and see him. + Somebody discovered this EMMET in the Pastoral privacy of + the Bowery. Mr. GAYLER was made to write a play for him, + and EMMET, the Bowery Minstrel, straightway became Mr. + JOSEPH K. EMMET, the renowned impersonator of "FRITZ." He + plays "FRITZ" at WALLACK'S every evening, and the + entertainment is something of this nature.</p> + + <p>ACT I.—<i>Scene, the outside of Castle + Garden. Enter baggage-smashers, emigrant-runners, + aldermen, and other criminals</i>.</p> + + <p>RUNNER. "There's a ship a' comin' up. I'll lay for the + Dutchmen."</p> + + <p>BOBBIT. (<i>A concert-saloon manager</i>.) "There's a + ship coming up. I'll lay for the Dutch girls."</p> + + <p>DISSOLUTE COLONEL. "There's a ship coming up. I want + you two fellows to look out for a Dutchman named "FRITZ," + who is onboard. He takes care of a girl, KATRINA, whom I + adore. Carry off FRITZ and I'll carry off the girl."</p> + + <p>(<i>Various emigrants enter and are hustled off by the + runners</i>. FRITZ <i>and</i> KATRINA <i>finally + appear</i>.)</p> + + <p>FRITZ. "Ja. Das ist gut. Ach himmel; zwei bier und + Limburger."</p> + + <p>(<i>The runners seize his trunk and carry it off. + The</i> DISSOLUTE COLONEL <i>hurries</i> KATRINA <i>into + a coach and carries her off</i>. FRITZ <i>is carried away + by his emotions. Curtain</i>.)</p><br> + + <p>ACT II.—<i>Scene, a boarding-house parlor. + Enter</i> DISSOLUTE COLONEL <span style= + "font-style: italic;">and</span> KATRINA.</p> + + <p>DISSOLUTE COLONEL. "You are in my power. Be mine, and + you shall have as many bonnets and things as you can + wish. Refuse, and I'll send every reporter in the city to + interview you."</p> + + <p>KATRINA. "Base villain! I despise you. Let the + torturers do their worst."</p> + + <p>(<i>Enter</i> FRITZ, <i>disguised as a member of the + Sorosis</i>.)</p> + + <p>KATRINA. "You here! Be cautious. The hash is drugged. + Save me, my beloved."</p> + + <p>FRITZ. "Ja. Das ist nicht gut. Herr Colonel, Ich bin + KATRINA'S aunt. Ich habe gekommen to take her away wid + me, ye owdacious spalpeen."</p> + + <p>DISSOLUTE COLONEL. "Glad to see you. Take some hash, + madam?"</p> + + <p>FRITZ. "Ja. Das ist gut. Take some yourself, you + murtherin' thafe of the worruld."</p> + + <p>(<i>The</i> DISSOLUTE COLONEL <i>forgets that the hash + is drugged. He takes it and falls insensible</i>. FRITZ + <i>and</i> KATRINA <i>escape. Scene changes to Judge</i> + DOWLING'S <i>court-room</i>.)</p> + + <p>FRITZ. (<i>Having left off his Sorosis disguise</i>.) + "Ja. Das is nicht gut. Behold, O wise young judge, the + misguided person who put my trunk in his pocket and ran + away with it."</p> + + <p>JUDGE. "Prove your case."</p> + + <p>FRITZ. "Ja. Das ist gut. Begar! I proves him <i>toute + de suite</i>—what you call to wunst. You see + those Limburger cheese in the villain's mouth. He got + them out of my trunk. So you see I have him ein thief + geproven."</p> + + <p>JUDGE. "Your case is proved. Let the prisoner be + removed."</p> + + <p>FRITZ. "Ja. Das ist sehr gut. Now I'm a gwine to de + saloon, where dis niggah has a ningagement for to + sing."</p> + + <p>(<i>Scene changes to a concert saloon</i>. FRITZ + <i>enters and goes through an entire programme of negro + minstrelsy, to the wild delight of the gallery. At last + the lazy curtain slowly consents to fall</i>.)</p><br> + + <p>ACT III.—The DISSOLUTE COLONEL <i>come to + grief, and</i> FRITZ <i>marries</i> KATRINA. If you want + to know all about it, go to the theatre. I don't intend + to ruin the establishment by giving the public the whole + play for the ridiculous sum which is charged for this + copy of PUNCHINELLO. The third act is the last of the + play, and when the curtain fells, the audience + immediately proceeds to pick EMMET to pieces.</p> + + <p>BOY IN THE GALLERY. "Ain't he just tip, though? I've + seen him lots o' times at TONY PASTOR'S, and I allers + knowed he'd be a big thing if the Bowery or thishyer + theatre got a hold on him."</p> + + <p>YOUNG LADY. "Isn't it frightfully low? The idea of Mr. + WALLACK permitting this negro minstrelsy in his theatre. + To be sure Mr. EMMET is funny; but I hate to see people + funny in this place."</p> + + <p>OLD GENTLEMAN. "My dear! don't be absurd. Suppose Mr. + EMMET has been a minstrel, is that any proof that he + can't be an actor? The young fellow has his faults, but + they will wear off in time, and he is brimful of real + talent. The play isn't a model of excellence, but it was + made to show EMMET'S strong points, and it answers its + purpose. Shall we cry down a talented and promising young + actor simply because he has been a minstrel, and now has + the audacity to play at WALLACK'S? And besides, haven't + we seen pantomime, and legs, and LOTTA, and DAN BRYANT at + WALLACK'S? You never objected to any of the + illegitimacies that have preceded FRITZ;—why + then should you begin now? Give EMMET and GAYLER a + chance. At any rate they can make you laugh, which is + something that BOUCICAULT with his '<i>Lost at Sea</i>' + did not do."</p> + + <p>MATADOR.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>A PARABLE ABOUT THE TWELFTH OF JULY</b>.</p> + + <p>In a far distant land, beyond the sea, there dwelt an + Orange Lily. Separated from it by a very absurd and + useless ditch, a Green Shamrock spread its trefoil + leafage to the sun, and grew greener every day. Now, in + course of time, a very ill feeling sprang up between the + Lily and the Shamrock, on account of color, the former + despising the latter because it was green, and the latter + hating the former because it was orange—as if + both colors hadn't lived together in the rainbow ever + since the aquatic excursion of old Mr. NOAH, without ever + falling out of it or with each other. In time they both + crossed the sea, and took root in a far-away land, where + they became acquainted with a very remarkable animal + called the American Beaver.</p> + + <p>The industry of this creature urged the Lily to toil + and spin, contrary to its usual habits, while the + Shamrock converted its trifoliated leaves into shovels, + and took a contract for excavating the hemisphere. And so + they might have jogged on very well together, but for + their stupid way of showing their colors when there was + no occasion for it. This greatly disgusted their friend, + the American Beaver, who didn't care a pinch of snuff + about color, (black is not a color, you know,) but who + went in for faithful and persistent work. One beautiful + Twelfth of July, the Lily arose very early in the + morning, and, shaking out her orange leaves, defied the + Shamrock to "come on." The Shamrock came on. There was a + vegetable howl, and clash, and clangor in the air, and + the Lily, having knocked off several of the Shamrocks' + greenest leaves, went to its friend, the American Beaver, + for comfort and support. But the American Beaver, instead + of countenancing the Lily, said: "Look here, Lily, I + guess you are about the greatest fool I ever <i>did</i> + see, except, perhaps, the Shamrock. As long as you two + stick to your work, instead of sticking out your colors + and sticking your knives into each other, I am very glad + to have you for neighbors, but now that you have shown + yourselves to be jack-asses instead of vegetables, I + would not give an American Beaver dam for the two of + you."</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>CONDENSED CONGRESS.</b></p> + + <p><b>SENATE.</b></p> + + <p><img src="images/14.jpg" align="left" alt="A"> + pleasant philosopher tells us that blessings brighten as + they take their flight. The flight of Congress may be + regarded as a blessing. But Congressmen do not brighten. + PUNCHINELLO listens in vain for the swan song of SUMNER, + and looks longingly, without being gratified by the + spectacle of the oratorical funeral pyre of NYE. Almost + the only gleam of humor he discerns in his weekly wading + through the watery and windy wastes of the Congressional + Globe is a comic coruscation by Mr. CAMERON.</p> + + <p>Mr. McCREERY had had the abominable impudence to + introduce a bill relieving the disabilities of a few + friends of his in Kentucky. Mr. CAMERON objected upon the + ground that one of these persons was named SMITH, and + used to be a New York Street Commissioner. Any man who + had been a New York Street Commissioner ought to be + hanged as soon as any decent pretext could be found for + hanging him. (Murmurs of approbation from the New York + reporters.) Still this was not his main objection to + SMITH. The SMITH family had furnished more aid and + comfort to the rebel army than any other family in the + South. No SMITH should, with his consent, be permitted to + participate in the conduct of a Government which so many + SMITHS had conspired to overthrow. Moreover, this was an + incorrigible SMITH. It was an undisputed fact that SMITH + had given up a lucrative office to follow his political + convictions. Such a man could not be viewed by Senators + with any other feelings than those of horror and disgust. + Let them reflect what would be the effect of polluting + this body, as by this bill it was proposed to make it + possible to do, with a man so dead to all the common + feelings of our nature that he would set up his own + conceits against the practice of his fellow-Senators, and + the rewards of a grateful country. This settled the fate + of SMITH, but the rest of Mr. McCREERY's friends, being + obscure persons, were let in, in spite of the "barbaric + yaup" of DRAKE, who said that the next thing would be a + proposition to enact a similar outrage in Missouri, and + thereby abet the efforts of the bold bad men who were + trying to get him out of his seat.</p> + + <p><b>HOUSE.</b></p> + + <p>SCHENCK insisted upon the Tariff. He had been visited + by delegations from the great heart of the nation, who + assured him that the great heart of the nation yearned + for an immediate increase of the duty on various articles + which competed with the articles manufactured by the + members of the delegation. No longer ago than yesterday a + manufacturer of double-back-action jack-planes had + assured him that the single-forward-action jack-planes + poured upon our shores by the pauper labor of Europe, + were, so to speak, shaving off the edge of the national + life. A gentleman whose name was known to the uttermost + parts of the civilized world, who had shed new lustre + upon the American name by the great boon he had bestowed + upon mankind in the American self-filling rotary Bird of + Freedom inkstand with revolving lid, had said, with the + tears of patriotic shame and sorrow in his eyes, that + there were recreant writers who preferred to purchase the + Birmingham inkstand, which required to be filled, did not + rotate, and had no revolution to its lid, at fifty cents, + than to secure his own triumph of American ingenuity at + ten dollars. Such misguided men must be taught their duty + to their native land. Mr. SCHENCK moved an increase to + 4,000 per cent, <i>ad valorem</i> on the foreign + jack-plane, which he characterized as a Tool of Tyranny, + and the Birmingham inkstand. The thing was done.</p> + + <p>Mr. DAWES said he was disgusted. Everybody's jobs were + put through except his. He threatened to go home and tell + his constituents.</p> + + <p>Mr. PETERS suggested that Mr. DAWES had better go out + and take "suthin' soothin'." (Mr. PETERS is from Maine, + and his remark will probably be understood there.) If he + might be pardoned the liberty he would recommend a little + ice in it.</p> + + <p>Mr. DAWES said he could do his own drinking. As for + PETERS, he scorned him. Moreover, PETERS was + one-eyed.</p> + + <p>Mr. PETERS appealed to his record to show that he had + two eyes. He did not understand the anger of Mr. DAWES. + Of course when he suggested a drink, he assumed the + responsibility of paying for it.</p> + + <p>Mr. DAWES said that altered the case entirely. He took + pleasure in withdrawing his hasty remarks, and in + assuring the House that he profoundly venerated PETERS, + and that PETERS had two perfect eyes of unusual + expressiveness.</p> + + <p>Mr. BINGHAM called attention to the case of Mr. + PORTER, who had been smitten on the nose by a vile + creature whom he declined to drink with. This was a blow + at the national life, and he thought the punishment of + treason was imperatively demanded.</p> + + <p>Mr. BUTLER said he had been kicked once. He assured + the House that the sensation was repugnant to his + feelings as a man—much more as a Congressman. + He moved to amend by substituting slow torture.</p> + + <p>It was finally resolved to put the wretch in irons and + feed him on bread and water.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>A Drowsy Con.</b></p> + + <p>When a man is sleepy, what sort of transformation does + he desire?</p> + + <p>He wishes he were a-bed.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>An Anecdote of the good old Square Kind.</b></p> + + <p>MRS. PRINGLEWOOD, having been afflicted with a chimney + that smoked, sent for a chimney-doctor to cure it.</p> + + <p>When the cure had been thoroughly effected, says Mrs. + PRINGLEWOOD to the chimney-doctor: "My son, a boy of but + fourteen, smokes awful; couldn't you cure him as you did + the chimney?"</p> + + <p>"No I couldn't, marm," returned the chimney-doctor, + who was a wag: "but I see what you're arter, + marm—you want me to teach him to draw!"</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>O Deer, Deer!</b></p> + + <p><i>Trichinoe</i> are said to have been discovered in + the flesh of Oregon deer. If this should prove true, + Oregon venison must be anything but a benison; but it is + more than likely that the report originated in the fact + that there is in the East Indies a species of the cervine + family known as the Hog deer.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>Scientific Intelligence.</b></p> + + <p>We learn from exchanges that in Missouri, where the + wages of working-people average five dollars <i>per + diem</i>, that the Legislature have decreed a Mining + Bureau, and a Geological Survey of the + State—the remuneration of the assistant + geologists to be at the rate of $1.50 <i>per diem</i>. + Why should these learned geologists waste their time for + a compensation so mean? Let them rather convert their + surveying-staffs into ox-goads, and turn their attention + to Gee-haw-logy,—'twill pay better than t'other + thing.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>Men and Manners/</b></p> + + <p>The following paragraph, cut from a newspaper, + suggests a good deal:</p> + + <p>"A Hindoo cabby, before mounting the box and taking + the reins, always first prays that his driving may be to + the glory of his God."</p> + + <p>Now this is precisely what the New York hackman + invariably does before he gathers up the reins and urges + on his "galled jades." He curses his horses, his + passengers, and his own eyes, and thus commends his + driving to the glory of <i>his</i> God, whose other name + is LUCIFER.</p><br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + + <table style= + "width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"> + <big><big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">A. T. + Stewart & Co.</span></big></big></big><br> + Are offering<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">A SPLENDID + ASSORTMENT</span><br> + <small>OF THE<br> + LATEST PARIS NOVELTIES.<br> + IN</small><br> + <br> + ROMAN. ECOSSAIS, CARREAUX.<br> + BROCHE, CHINE, GROS<br> + GRAIN AND TAFFETA<br> + <br> + SASH RIBBONS,<br> + IN THE MOST DESIRABLE WIDTHS AND<br> + SHADES OF COLOR. Also,<br> + <br> + <b>Velvet Ribbons, Trimming Ribbons,<br> + Neckties, &c., &c.</b><br> + <br> + <i>Great Inducements to Purchasers</i>.<br> + <br> + <big>BROADWAY,</big><br> + <br> + <b>4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets.</b><br> + <br></td> + + <td style="text-align: left;" rowspan="4"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> + <big><big><big><big>PUNCHINELLO.<br> + <br></big></big></big></big><br> + The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and + Satirical Weekly Paper was issued under date of April + 2, 1870. The Press and the Public in every State and + Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper of + the kind ever published in America. + </div><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">CONTENTS ENTIRELY + ORIGINAL.</span><br> + <br> + Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) + ............... $4.00<br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " six months, + (without premium,) + ..................................... 2.00</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " three months, + " ............................................. 1.00</span><br> + + <br> + Single copies mailed free, for + ............................................... .10<br> + <br> + We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & + CO'S<br> + CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows:<br> + <br> + A copy of paper for one year, and<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style= + "font-weight: bold;">"</span><b style= + "font-weight: bold;">The Awakening</b><span style= + "font-weight: bold;">,"</span></big></big> (a Litter of + Puppies.) Half chromo.<br> + Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,) for + ...................... $4.00<br> + <br> + <br> + A copy of paper for one year and either of the following + $3.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Wild + Roses.</span></big></big> 12-1/8 x 9.<br> + <big><big><b>Dead Game</b>.</big></big> 11-1/8 x + 8-3/8.<br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 6-3/4 x + 10-1/4—for ..................... $5.00<br> + <br> + <br> + A copy of paper for one year and either of the following + $5.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Group of Chickens;<br> + Group of Ducklings;<br> + Group of Quails</b>.</big></big><br> + Each 10 x 12-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Poultry Yard</b>.</big></big> 10-1/8 x + 14<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Barefoot Boy;<br> + Wild Fruit</b>.</big></big> Each 9-3/4 x 13.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Pointer and Quail;<br> + Spaniel and Woodcock</b>.</big></big> 10 x + 12—for ... $6.50<br> + <br> + <br> + A copy of paper for one year and either of the following + $6.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Baby in Trouble;<br> + The Unconscious Sleeper;<br> + The Two Friends</b>. (Dog and Child.)</big></big><br> + Each 13 x 16-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Spring;<br> + Summer;<br> + Autumn;</b><br></big></big> 12-7/8 x 16-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Kid's Play Ground</b>.</big></big><br> + 11 x 17-1/2—for ................. $7.00<br> + <br> + <br> + A copy of paper for one year and either of the following + $7.50 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Strawberries and + Baskets</b>.</big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b style="font-weight: bold;">Cherries and + Baskets</b><span style= + "font-weight: bold;">.</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Currants</b>.</big></big> Each 13 x 18.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Horses in a Storm</b>.</big></big> 22-1/4 x + 15-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Six Central Park + Views. (A set.)</big></big><br> + 9-1/8 x 4-1/2—for ........... $8.00<br> + <br> + <br> + A copy of paper for one year and<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Six American Landscapes</b>. (A + set.)</big></big><br> + 4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00—for + .............................................. $9.00<br> + <br> + <br> + A copy of paper for one year and either of the<br> + following $10 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Sunset in California</b>.</big></big> + (Bierstadt) 18-1/2 x 12<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 14 x 21.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Corregio's Magdalen</b>.</big></big> 12-1/4 + x 16-3/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Summer Fruit, and Autumn + Fruit</b>.</big></big> (Half chromos,)<br> + 15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), + for $10.00<br> + <br> + Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or + Bank Checks on New York, or Registered letters. The paper + will be sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) + when not otherwise ordered.<br> + <br> + Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, + twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in + advance; the CHROMOS will be <i>mailed free</i> on + receipt of money.<br> + <br> + CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be + given. For special terms address the Company.<br> + <br> + The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of + seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A + specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or + getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp.<br> + <br> + Address,<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING + CO.,</span><br> + <br> + P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New York.<br> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"><big><big><big><span style= + "font-weight: bold;">A. T. STEWART & + Co.</span></big></big></big><br> + <br> + Are Offering<br> + <br> + <b>Extraordinary Bargains</b><br> + IN<br> + LADIES' PARIS AND DOMESTIC READY-MADE<br> + <b>Silk, Grenadine, Swiss Muslin,<br> + Victoria Lawn, Linen<br> + and Pique</b><br> + <br> + <b>Suits, Robes, and Dresses,</b><br> + <br> + Children's Linen and Pique Garments,<br> + In the Greatest Variety,<br> + <br> + <b>Embroidered Collars, CUFFS, LACES,<br> + Real LAMA LACE POINTS,<br> + DRESSES &c., &c.</b><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</span><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH + STREETS.</span><br></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"><big><big><big style= + "font-weight: bold;">A. T. Steward & + Co.</big></big></big><br> + <br> + Are closing out their stock of<br> + FRENCH, ENGLISH, AND DOMESTIC<br> + <b>CARPETS</b>,<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Oil Cloths, Rugs, Mats, + Cocoa and Canton</span><br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Mattings, &c., + &c.,</span><br> + <br> + At a Great REDUCTION IN PRICES.<br> + <br> + <i>Customers and Strangers are Respectfully</i><br> + <br> + <b>INVITED TO EXAMINE</b>,<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</span><br style= + "font-weight: bold;"> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">4th Avenue, 9th and 10th + Streets.</span><br></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"><big><big><big><span style= + "font-weight: bold;">A. T. STEWART + &CO.</span></big></big></big><br> + <br> + Offer the following<br> + Extraordinary Inducements<br> + IN PRICES TO PURCHASERS,<br> + <br> + In order to close the following portion of their Stock:<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Striped Checks, & + Broche Poplinettes,</span><br> + Only 50 cts. per Yard.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Heavy Black and White + Check Silks,</span><br> + 75 cts. per Yard, value $1.50.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Real Gaze de + Chambrey,</span><br> + 75 cts. per Yard, formerly $2.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Striped Mongoline Silks (a + Beautiful</span><br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Article for + Costumes),</span><br> + $1 per Yard, formerly $2<br> + <br> + A LARGE QUANTITY OF<br> + <br> + <b>STRIPED & CHECKED SILKS</b>,<br> + This Season's Importation, $1 per Yard.<br> + <br> + A great Variety of the<br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">NEW ROUBAIX + SILKS,<br></span> 56 INCHES WIDE, $1.25 per Yard.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">RICH CHANGEABLE + SILKS,</span><br> + Light Colors, 24 Inches Wide, $1.75.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">EXTRA HEAVY PONGE + SILKS,</span><br> + ONLY $1.60 per Yard, formerly $2.50.<br> + <br> + <small>A LARGE ASSORTMENT OF</small><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Plain Colored POULTS DE + SOIES,<br> + TAFFETTAS,</span> <span style="font-weight: bold;">FAILLES, + &c., &c.,</span><br> + <br> + Choice Shades of Color.<br> + <br> + <i>AN IMMENSE STOCK OF</i><br> + <br> + <b>BLACK SILKS</b>,<br> + <br> + At Prices Lower Than Ever.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</span><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">4th Ave., 9th and 10th + Sts.</span><br></td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + + <table width="800" align="center" border="1" cellpadding="2" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td rowspan="2" width="66%"> + <center> + <img src="images/16.jpg" alt=""> <span style= + "font-weight: bold;">THE COMING MILLENNIUM,</span><br> + WHEN EVERYTHING IS TO BE CHEAP,<br> + AND THE WHITE MAN WILL STARVE. + </center> + </td> + + <td align="center"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Tourists and leisure + Travelers</span><br> + <small>will be find to learn that the Erie Railway + Company has prepared</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">COMBINATION + EXCURSION</span><br> + <small><small>OR</small></small><br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Round Trip + Tickets,</span></big><br> + + <p><small>Valid during the entire season, and embracing + Ithaca— headwaters of Cayuga + Lake—Niagara Falls, Lake Ontario, the River St. + Lawrence, Montreal, Quebec, Lake Champlain, Lake George, + Saratoga, the White Mountains and all principal points of + interest in Northern New York, the Canadas, and New + England. Also similar Tickets at reduced rates, through + Lake Superior, enabling travelers to visit the celebrated + Iron Mountains and Copper Mines of that region. By + applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. + 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich + St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton + St., Brooklyn; Depots foot of Chambers Street, and foot + of 23rd St., New York; No. 3 Exchange Place, and Long + Dock Depot, Jersey City, and the Agents at the principal + hotels, travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, + as well as all the necessary information.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center">"The Printing—House of the + United States."<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">GEO. F. NESBITT + & CO.,</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">General JOB + PRINTERS,</span><br> + <br> + BLANK BOOK Manufacturers,<br> + STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail,<br> + LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers.<br> + COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers,<br> + CARD Manufacturers,<br> + ENVELOPE Manufacturers.<br> + FINE CUT and COLOR Printers.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">163, 165, 167, and 169 + PEARL ST.,</span><br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE + ST., New York.</span><br> + <br> + <small>ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under + immediate supervision of the proprietors.</small><br></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td colspan="2"> + <center> + <p><small>PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," + "Water-Lilies," "Chas. Dickens." PRANG'S CHROMOS sold + in all Art and Bookstores throughout the world. PRANG'S + ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of + stamp.</small></p><span style="font-weight: bold;">L. + PRANG & CO., Boston.</span> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + + <table style= + "width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="width: 50%;"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> + <big><big><big><span style= + "font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO.</span></big></big></big><br> + + <br> + <small>With a large and varied experience in the + management and publication of a paper of the class + herewith submitted, and with the still more positive + advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the + undertaking, the</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING + CO</span>.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">OF THE CITY OF NEW + YORK,</span><br> + <br> + Presents to the public for approval, the new<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS + AND SATIRICAL</span><br> + <br> + <small><span style="font-weight: bold;">WEEKLY + PAPER,</span></small><br> + <br> + <big><big><span style= + "font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO,</span></big></big><br> + + <br> + The first number of which was issued under<br> + date of April 2.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">ORIGINAL + ARTICLES,</span><br> + <br> + + <div style="text-align: center;"> + Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs,, or + suggestive ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon + the topics of the day, are always acceptable and will + be paid for liberally.<br> + <br> + Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless + postage stamps are inclosed. + </div> + </div> + + <div style="text-align: center;"> + <br> + TERMS:<br> + <br> + One copy, per year, in advance ....................... + $4.00<br> + <br> + Single copies + .......................................... .10<br> + <br> + A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of + ten cents.<br> + <br> + One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other<br> + magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for ................. + 5.50<br> + <br> + One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for.. + 7.00 + </div><br> + + <div style="text-align: center;"> + All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed + to<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING + CO.,</span><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">No 83 Nassau + Street,</span><br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">P. O. Box, 2783. NEW + YORK.</span> + </div> + </td> + + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>THE MYSTERY OF + MR. E. DROOD.</big></big></p> + + <p style="font-style: italic;">The New Burlesque + Serial,</p> + + <p><big>Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO,</big></p> + + <p><small>BY</small></p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>ORPHEUS C. + KERR,</big></p> + + <p><small>Commenced in No. 11. will be continued weekly + throughout the year.</small></p> + + <p><small>A sketch of the eminent author, written by his + bosom friend, with superb illustrations of</small></p> + + <p>1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, + TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY.</p> + + <p>2ND. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE + taken as he appears "Every Saturday." will also be found + in the same number.</p><br> + + <p>Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen,<br> + (or mailed from this office, free,) Ten Cents.</p> + + <p>Subscription for One Year, one copy,<br> + with $2 Chromo Premium. $4.</p> + + <p><small>Those desirous of receiving the paper + containing this new serial, which promises to be the best + ever written by ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to + insure its regular receipt weekly.</small></p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>We will send the + first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to<br> + any one who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, + on<br> + the receipt of SIXTY CENTS.</small></p> + + <p>Address,</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING + COMPANY,</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">P. O. Box 2783.</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">83 Nassau St., New + York.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table><br> + + <center> + GEO. W, WHEAT & Co, PRINTER, NO. 8 SPRUCE STREET. + </center><br> + <br> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10014 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/10014-h/images/01.jpg b/10014-h/images/01.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b3cee40 --- /dev/null +++ b/10014-h/images/01.jpg diff --git a/10014-h/images/04.jpg b/10014-h/images/04.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4b6ad60 --- /dev/null +++ b/10014-h/images/04.jpg diff --git a/10014-h/images/05.jpg b/10014-h/images/05.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b39101a --- /dev/null +++ b/10014-h/images/05.jpg diff --git a/10014-h/images/06a.jpg b/10014-h/images/06a.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..34b8642 --- /dev/null +++ b/10014-h/images/06a.jpg diff --git a/10014-h/images/06b.jpg b/10014-h/images/06b.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a4c91a1 --- /dev/null +++ b/10014-h/images/06b.jpg diff --git a/10014-h/images/07a.jpg b/10014-h/images/07a.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fcb4176 --- /dev/null +++ b/10014-h/images/07a.jpg diff --git a/10014-h/images/07b.jpg b/10014-h/images/07b.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..872ee89 --- /dev/null +++ b/10014-h/images/07b.jpg diff --git a/10014-h/images/08.jpg b/10014-h/images/08.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ca15edd --- /dev/null +++ b/10014-h/images/08.jpg diff --git a/10014-h/images/09.jpg b/10014-h/images/09.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..62cb8ff --- /dev/null +++ b/10014-h/images/09.jpg diff --git a/10014-h/images/12.jpg b/10014-h/images/12.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e0ecc59 --- /dev/null +++ b/10014-h/images/12.jpg diff --git a/10014-h/images/13.jpg b/10014-h/images/13.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fab6bc3 --- /dev/null +++ b/10014-h/images/13.jpg diff --git a/10014-h/images/14.jpg b/10014-h/images/14.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7c17de2 --- /dev/null +++ b/10014-h/images/14.jpg diff --git a/10014-h/images/16.jpg b/10014-h/images/16.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e22ad11 --- /dev/null +++ b/10014-h/images/16.jpg diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..93497bb --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #10014 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/10014) diff --git a/old/10014-8.txt b/old/10014-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..62b2079 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10014-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2858 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 18, July 30, 1870, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 18, July 30, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 7, 2003 [EBook #10014] +[Date last updated: October 14, 2005] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 18 *** + + + + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze +and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO", | + | | + | to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent post-paid, | + | on receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | J.M. SPRAGUE | + | | + | Is the Authorized Agent of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | For the | + | | + | New England States, | + | | + | To Procure Subscriptions, | + | and to Employ Canvassers. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and | + | cheaper than any other Pen in the market. Special attention | + | is called to the following grades, as being better suited | + | for business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | | + | we recommend for Bank and Office use. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | Sole Agents for United States. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +Vol. I. No. 18 + +PUNCHINELLO + + +SATURDAY, JULY 30, 1870. + + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, +By ORPHEUS C. KERR, +Continued in this Number. + + +[Sidenote: See 15th Page for Extra Premiums.] + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO". | + | | + | SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO | + | | + | J. NICKINSON | + | | + | ROOM NO. 4, | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A NEW AND MUCH-NEEDED BOOK. | + | | + | MATERNITY. | + | | + | A POPULAR TREATISE | + | | + | For Young Wives and Mothers. | + | | + | BY T.S. VERDI, A.M., M.D., OF WASHINGTON, D.C. | + | | + | | + | DR. VERDI is a well-known and successful Homoeopathic | + | Practitioner, of thorough scientific training and large | + | experience. His book has arisen from a want felt in his own | + | practice, as a Monitor to Young Wives, a Guide to Young | + | Mothers, and an assistant to the family physician. It deals | + | skilfully, sensibly, and delicately with the perplexities of | + | early married life, as connected with the holy duties of | + | Maternity, giving information which women must have, either | + | in conversation with physicians, or from such a source as | + | this--evidently the preferable mode of learning, for a | + | delicate and sensitive woman. Plain and intelligible, but | + | without offense to the most fastidious taste, the style of | + | this book must commend it to careful perusal. It treats of | + | the needs, dangers, and alleviations of the time of travail; | + | and gives extended detailed instructions for the care and | + | medical treatment of infants and children throughout all the | + | perils of early life. | + | | + | As a Mother's Manual, it will have a large sale, and as a | + | book of special and reliable information on very important | + | topics, it will be heartily welcomed. | + | | + | Handsomely printed on laid paper: bevelled boards, extra | + | English cloth, 12mo., 450 pages. Price $2.25. | + | | + | _For sale by all Booksellers, or will be sent post-paid on | + | receipt of the price by_ | + | | + | J.B. FORD & CO., Publishers, | + | 39 Park Row, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | What it is Not. | + | | + | | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | | + |Merely a small student's sheet, But is the largest in N.E.| + |Merely of interest to college men, But to every one, | + |Merely a COLLEGE paper, But is a scientific paper,| + |Merely a local paper, But is cosmopolitan, | + |Merely scientific and educational, But is literary, | + |An experiment, But an established weekly | + |Conducted by students, But by graduates, | + |Stale and dry, But fresh and interesting | + | | + | It circulates in every College. | + | It circulates in every Professional School. | + | It circulates in every Preparatory School. | + | It circulates in every State in the United States. | + | It circulates in every civilized country. | + | It circulates among all College men. | + | It circulates among all Scientific men. | + | It circulates among the educated everywhere. | + | | + | July 1st a new volume commences. | + | July 1st 10,000 new subscribers wanted. | + | July 1st excellent illustrations will appear. | + | July 1st 10,000 specimen copies to be issued. | + | July 1st is a good time to subscribe. | + | July 1st or any time send stamp for a copy. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + |One year, in advance, - - - - - - - $4.00| + |Single copies (for sale by all newsdealers), - - .10| + | | + | Address | + | THE COLLEGE COURANT, | + | New Haven, Conn. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | NEWS DEALERS. | + | | + | ON | + | | + | RAILROADS, | + | | + | STEAMBOATS, | + | | + | And at WATERING PLACES, | + | | + | Will find the Monthly Numbers of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | For April, May, June, and July, an attractive and Saleable | + | Work. | + | | + | Single Copies Price 50 cts. | + | | + | For trade price address American News Co., or | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING & CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | TO NEWS-DEALER. | + | | + | Punchinello's Monthly. | + | | + | The Weekly Numbers for June, | + | | + | Bound in a Handsome Cover, | + | | + | Is now ready. Price Fifty Cents. | + | | + | THE TRADE | + | | + | Supplied by the | + | | + | AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, | + | | + | Who are now prepared to receive Orders. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | J. NICKINSON | + | | + | Begs to announce to the friends of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has | + | made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of | + | | + | ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED, | + | | + | the same will be forwarded, postage paid. | + | | + | Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing | + | Houses, can have the same forwarded by inclosing two | + | Stamps. | + | | + | OFFICE OF | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WEVILL & HAMMAR, | + | | + | Wood Engravers, | + | | + | 208 Broadway, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bowling Green Savings-Bank | + | | + | 33 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + | | + | Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M. | + | | + | | + | _Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents to Ten Thousand | + | Dollars will be received_. | + | | + | | + | Six per Cent interest, Free of Government Tax | + | | + | Commences on the First of every Month. | + | | + | | + | HENRY SMITH, _President_ | + | | + | REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary_. | + | | + | WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, _Vice-Presidents_. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FORST & AVERELL | + | | + | Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Pres | + | | + | PRINTERS, | + | | + | EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL | + | MANUFACTURERS. | + | | + | | + | Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application. | + | | + | | + | 23 Platt Street, and | + | 20-22 Gold Street, | + | [P.O. Box 2845.] | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | DIBBLEEANIA | + | | + | AND | + | | + | Japonica Juice, | + | | + | FOR THE HAIR. | + | | + | The most effective Soothing and Stimulating Compounds | + | ever offered to the public for the | + | | + | Removal of Scurf, Dandruff, &c. | + | | + | For consultation, apply at | + | | + | WILLIAM DIBBLEE'S, | + | | + | Ladies' Hair Dresser and Wig Maker. | + | | + | 854 BROADWAY, N.Y. City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FOLEY'S | + | | + | GOLD PENS. | + | | + | THE BEST AND CHEAPEST. | + | | + | 256 BROADWAY. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | $2 to ALBANY and TROY. | + | | + | The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and | + | Daniel Drew, commencing May 31, will leave | + | Vestry st. Pier at 8.45, and Thirty-fourth st. at 9 a.m., | + | landing at Yonkers, (Nyack, and Tarrytown | + | by ferry-boat), Cozzens, West Point, Cornwall, | + | Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, | + | Bristol, Catskill, Hudson, and New-Baltimore. | + | A special train of broad-gauge cars | + | in connection with the day boats will leave on arrival | + | at Albany (commencing June 20) for Sharon | + | Springs. Fare $4.25 from New York and for | + | Cherry Valley. The Steamboat Seneca will transfer | + | passengers from Albany to Troy. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | ESTABLISHED 1866. | + | JAS R. NICHOLS, M.D. WM. J. ROLFE. A.M. | + | Editors | + | | + | | + | Boston Journal of Chemistry. | + | | + | | + | Devoted to the Science of | + | HOME LIFE, | + | The Arts, Agriculture, and Medicine. | + | $1.00 Per Year. | + | _Journal and Punchinello (without Premium)._ $4.00 | + | | + | | + | SEND FOR SPECIMEN-COPY | + | Address--JOURNAL OF CHEMISTRY, | + | 150 CONGRESS STREET, BOSTON. | + | | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY L. STEPHENS, | + | | + | ARTIST, | + | | + | No. 160 FULTON STREET, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | GEO. B. BOWLEND, | + | | + | Draughtsman & Designer | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | Room No. 11, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District +court of the United States, for the Southern District of New York. + + * * * * * + +THE +MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +AN ADAPTATION, + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + +CHAPTER XII. + +A NIGHT OF IT WITH MCLAUGHLIN. + +Judge SWEENEY, with a certain supercilious consciousness that he is +figuring in a novel, and that it will not do for him to thwart the +eccentricities of mysterious fiction by any commonplace deference to the +mere meteorological weaknesses of ordinary human nature, does not allow +the fact that late December is a rather bleak and cold time of year to +deter him from taking daily airings in the neighborhood of the +Ritualistic churchyard. Since the inscription of his epitaph on his late +wife upon her monument therein, the churchyard is to him a kind of +ponderous work of imagination with marble leaves, to which he has +contributed the most brilliant chapter; and when he sees any stranger +hovering about a part of the outer railings from whence the inscription +may be read, it is with all the swelling pride of an author who, having +procured the publication of some dreary article in a magazine, is thrown +into an ecstacy of vanity if he sees but one person glance at that +number of the periodical on a news-stand. + +Since his first meeting with Mr. BUMSTEAD, on the evening of the +epitaph-reading, Judge SWEENEY has cultivated that gentleman's +acquaintance, and been received at his lodgings several times with +considerable cordiality and lemon-tea. On such occasions, Mr. BUMSTEAD, +in his musical capacity, has sung so closely in Judge SWEENEY'S ear as +to tickle him, a wild and slightly incoherent Ritualistic stave, to the +effect that Saint PETER'S of Rome, with pontifical dome, would by ballot +Infallible be; but for making Call sure, and Election secure, Saint +Repeater's of Rum beats the See. With finger in ear to allay the +tickling sensation, JUDGE SWEENEY declares that this young man smelling +of cloves is a person of great intellectual attainments, and understands +the political genius of his country well enough to make an excellent +Judge of Election. + +Walking slowly near the churchyard on this particular freezing December +evening, with his hands behind his bank, and his eyes intent for any +envious husband who may be "with a rush retiring," monumentally +counselled, after reading the Epitaph, Judge SWEENEY suddenly comes upon +Father DEAN conversing with SMYTHE, the sexton, and Mr. BUMSTEAD. Bowing +to these three, who, like himself, seem to find real luxury in open-air +strolling on a bitter night in midwinter, he notices that his model, the +Ritual Rector, is wearing a new hat, like Cardinal's, only black, and is +immediately lost in wondering where he can obtain one like it short of +Rome. + +"You look so much like an author, Mr. BUMSTEAD, in having no overcoat, +wearing your paper collar upside down, and carrying a pen behind your +ear," Father DEAN is saying, "that I can almost fancy you are about to +write a book about us. Well, Bumsteadville is just the place to furnish +a nice, dry, inoffensive domestic novel in the sedative vein." + +After two or three ineffectual efforts to seize the end of it, which he +seems to think is an inch or two higher than its actual position, Mr. +BUMSTEAD finally withdraws from between his right ear and head a long +and neatly cut hollow straw. + +"This is not a pen, Holy Father," he answers, after a momentary glance +of majestic severity at Mr. SMYTHE, who has laughed. "It is only a +simple instrument which I use, as a species of syphon, in certain +chemical experiments with sliced tropical fruit and glass-ware. In the +precipitation of lemon-slices into cut crystal, it is necessary for the +liquid medium to be exhausted gradually; and, after using this cylinder +of straw for the purpose about an hour ago, I must have placed it behind +my ear in a moment of absent-mindedness." + +"Ah, I see," said Father DEAN, although he didn't. "But what is this, +Judge SWEENEY, respecting your introduction of MCLAUGHLIN to Mr. +BUMSTEAD, which I have heard about?" + +"Why, your Reverence, I consider JOHN MCLAUGHLIN a Character," responds +the Judge, "and thought our young friend of the organ-loft might like to +study him." + +"The truth is," explains Mr. BUMSTEAD, "that Judge SWEENEY put into my +head to do a few pauper graves with JOHN MCLAUGHLIN, some moonlight +night, for the mere oddity and dampness of the thing.--And I should +regret to believe," added Mr. BUMSTEAD, raising his voice as saw that +the judiciary was about to interrupt--"And I should really be loathe to +believe that Judge SWEENEY was not perfectly sober when he did so." + +"Oh, yes--certainly--I remember--to be sure," exclaims the Judge, in +great haste; alarmed into speedy assent by the construction which he +perceives would be put upon a denial. "I remember it very distinctly. I +remember putting it into your head--by the tumblerful, if I remember +rightly." + +"Profiting by your advice," continues Mr. BUMSTEAD, oblivious to the +last sentence, I am going out to-night, in search of the moist and +picturesque, with JOHN MCLAUGHLIN--" + +"Who is here," says Father DEAN. + +OLD MORTARITY, dinner-kettle in hand and more mortary than ever, indeed +seen approaching them with shuffling gait. Bowing to the Holy Father, he +is about to pass on, when Judge SWEENEY stops him with-- + +"You must be very careful with your friend, BUMSTEAD, this evening, JOHN +MCLAUGHLIN, and see that he don't fall and break his neck." + +"Never you worry about Mr. BUMSTEAD, Judge," growls OLD MORTARITY. "He +can walk further off the perpendicklar without tumbling than any +gentleman I ever see." + +"Of course I can, JOHN MCLAUGHLIN," says Mr. BUMSTEAD, checking another +unseemly laugh of Mr. SMYTHE'S with a dreadful frown. "I often practice +walking sideways, for the purpose of developing the muscles on that +side. The left side is always the weaker, and the hip a trifle lower, if +one does not counteract the difference by walking sideways +occasionally." + +A great deal of unnecessary coughing, which follows this physiological +exposition, causes Mr. BUMSTEAD to breathe hard at them all for a +moment, and tread with great malignity upon Mr. SMYTHE'S nearest corn. + +While yet the sexton is groaning, OLD MORTARITY whispers to the +Ritualistic organist that he will be ready for him at the appointed hour +to-night, and shuffles away. After which Mr. BUMSTEAD, with the I hollow +straw sticking out fiercely from his ear, privately offers to see Father +DEAN home if he feels at all dizzy; and, being courteously refused, +retires down the turnpike toward his own lodgings with military +precision of step. + +When night falls upon the earth like a drop of ink upon the word Sun, +and the stars glitter like the points of so many poised gold pens all +ready to write the softer word Moon above the blot, the organist of St. +Cow's sits in his own room, where his fire keeps-up a kind of aspenish +twilight, and executes upon his accordeon a series of wild and mutilated +airs. The moistened towel which he often wears when at home is turbaned +upon his head, causing him to present a somewhat Turkish appearance; and +as, when turning a particularly complicated corner in an air, it is his +artistic habit to hold his tongue between his teeth, twist his head in +sympathy with the elaborate fingering, and involuntarily lift one foot +higher and higher from the floor as some skittish note frantically +dodges to evade him, his general musical aspect at his own hearth is +that of a partially Oriental gentleman, agonizingly laboring to cast +from him some furious animal full of strange sounds. Thus engaging in +desperate single combat with what, for making a ferocious fight before +any recognizable tune can he rescued from it, is, perhaps, the most +exhausting instrument known to evening amateurs and maddened +neighborhoods, Mr. BUMSTEAD passes three athletic hours. At the end of +that time, after repeatedly tripping-up its exasperated organist over +wrong keys in the last bar, the accordeon finally relinquishes the +concluding note with a dismal whine of despair, and retires in complete +collapse to its customary place of waiting. Then the conquering +performer changes his towel for a hat which would look better if it had +not been so often worn in bed, places an antique black bottle in one +pocket of his coat and a few cloves in the other; hangs an unlighted +lantern before him by a cord passing about his neck, and, with his +umbrella under his arm, goes softly down stairs and out of the house. + +Repairing to the marble-yard and home of OLD MORTARITY, which are on the +outskirts of Bumsteadville, he wanders through mortar-heaps, monuments +brought for repair, and piles of bricks, toward a whitewashed residence +of small demensions with a light at the window. + +"JOHN McLAUGHLIN, ahoy!" + +In response, the master of the mansion promptly opens the door, and it +is then perceptible that his basement, parlor, spare-bedroom and attic +are all on one floor, and that a couple of pigs are spending the season +with him. Showing his visitor into this ingeniously condensed +establishment, he induces the pigs to retire to a corner, and then dons +his hat. + +"Are you ready, JOHN MCLAUGHLIN?" + +"Please the pigs, I am, Mr. BUMSTEAD," answers MCLAUGHLIN, taking down +from a hook a lantern, which, like his companion's, he hangs from his +neck by a cord. "My spirits is equal to any number of ghosts to-night, +sir, if we meet 'em." + +"Spirits!" ejaculates the Ritualistic organist, shifting his umbrella +for a moment while he hurriedly draws the antique bottle from his +pocket. "You're nervous to-night, J. MCLAUGHLIN, and need a little of +the venerable JAMES AKER'S West Indian Restorative.--I'll try it first +to make sure that I haven't mistaken the phial." + +He rests the elongated orifice of the diaphanous flask upon his lips for +a brief interval of critical inspection, and then applies it +thoughtfully to the mouth of OLD MORTARITY. + +"Some more! Some more!" pleads the aged MCLAUGHLIN, when the Jamaican +nervine is abruptly jerked from his lips. + +"Silence! Com on," is the stern response of the other, who, as he moves +from the house, and restores the crystal antiquity to its proper pocket, +eats a few cloves by stealth. His manner plainly shows that he is +offended at the quantity the old man has managed to swallow already. + +Strange indeed is the ghastly expedition to the place of skulls, upon +which these two go thus by night. Not strange, perhaps, for Mr. +MCLAUGHLIN, whose very youth in New York, where he was an active +politician, found him a frequent nightly familiar of the Tombs; but +strange for the organist, who, although often grave in his manner, +sepulchral in his tones, and occasionally addicted to coughin', must be +curiously eccentric to wish to pass into concert that evening with the +dead heads. + +Transfixed by his umbrella, which makes him look like a walking cross +between a pair of boots and a hat, Mr. BUMSTEAD leads the way athwart +the turnpike and several fields, until they have arrived at a low wall +skirting the foot of Gospeler's Gulch. Here they catch sight of the +Reverend OCTAVIUS SIMPSON and MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON walking together, +near the former's house, in the moonlight, and, instantaneously, Mr. +BUMSTEAD opens his umbrella over the head of OLD MORTARITY, and drags +him down beside himself under it behind the wall. + +"Hallo! What's all this?" gasps Mr. MCLAUGHLIN, struggling affrightedly +in his suffocating cage of whalebone and alpaca. "What's this here old +lady's hoop-skirt doing on me?" + +"Peace, wriggling dotard!" hisses BUMSTEAD, jamming the umbrella tighter +over him. "If they see us they'll want some of the West Indian +Restorative." + +Mr. SIMPSON and MONTGOMERY have already heard a sound; for they pause +abruptly in their conversation, and the latter asks: "Could it have been +a ghost?" + +"Ask it if it's a ghost," whispers the Gospeler, involuntarily crossing +himself. + +"Are you there, Mr. G.?" quavers the raised voice of the young +Southerner, respectfully addressing the inquiry to the stone wall. + +No answer. + +"Well," mutters the Gospeler, "it couldn't have been a ghost, after all; +but I certainly thought I saw an umbrella. To conclude what I was +saying, then,--I have the confidence in you, Mr. MONTGOMERY, to believe +that you will attend the dinner of Reconciliation on Christmas eve, as +you have promised." + +"Depend on me, sir." + +"I shall; and have become surety for your punctuality to that excellent +and unselfish healer of youthful wounds, Mr. BUMSTEAD." + +More is said after this; but the speakers have strolled to the other +side of the Gospeler's house, and their words cannot be distinguished +Mr. BUMSTEAD closes his umbrella with such suddenness and violence as to +nearly pull off the head of MCLAUGHLIN; drives his own hat further upon +his nose with a sounding blow; takes several wild swallows from his +antique flask; eats two cloves, and chuckles hoarsely to himself for +some minutes. "Here, 'JOHN MCLAUGHLIN," he says, at last "try a little +more West Indian Restorative, and then we'll go and do a few skeletons." + +(_To be Continued_.) + + * * * * * + +What is Likely to be Raised some day, regarding the Pneumatic +Tunnel. + +TUBAL. CAIN. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration. PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE.] + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +In order to make this department of PUNCHINELLO as complete as possible, +we have secured the services of the most competent authorities in +literature, art, the sciences in general, history, biography, and the +vast vague unknown. The answers furnished by us to our correspondents +may therefore be relied upon as being strictly accurate. + + _Scales_.--How old was DANIEL LAMBERT at the time of his death? + +_Answer_.--736 lbs. + + _Ignoramus_.--Why were the Roman _Saturnalia_ so called? + +_Answer_.--The proper spelling of the word is _Sauternalia_. They were +wine feasts; and the vintage most in favor at them was Haut Sauterne. + + _Chasseur_. Is the antelope to be classed among the goat family? + +_Answer_.--No. MOORE calls it a "deer gazelle." + + _Armiger_.--Is "arm's length" a recognized measure? + +_Answer_.--Yes. It is a _Standard_ measure, as may be seen in the way +that journal is getting ahead of the _Sun_, which it keeps at arm's +length. + + _Molar_.--Yes; burnt Cork is an excellent dentifrice. It should not + be applied to the teeth of children, however, as it is apt to impart an + Irish accent, or, in extreme cases, even a negro dialect. + + _Bookworm_.--Do two negatives always constitute an affirmative? + +_Answer_.--That depends upon the price charged by the photographer. + + _Sunswick_--Is it true that JAMES FISK, Jr., has purchased Baden and + another German Duchy? + +_Answer_.--No: but he could have both if he wanted two. + + _Rockland_.--Who are the suffering persons represented in DORE'S + remarkable picture of DANTE and VIRGIL visiting the frozen ward of the + _Inferno_? + +_Answer_.--The Knickerbocker Ice Company. + + _Solitaire_.--On what day did the Fourth of July fall in the year 1788? + +_Answer_.--On the Fourth. + + _James Lobbs_.--How long ago is it since desiccated soup first came + into use? + +_Answer_.--At least as long ago as the days of CROMWELL, whose advice to +his troops was "Put your trust in Providence, and keep your chowder +dry." + + _Bach_.--Is the practice of divorce a mark of civilization? + +_Answer_--It is. In the Gorilla family, (the nearest approach to the +human,) divorce is not practiced, but it is in Indiana, which is usually +considered to be a State of Civilization. + + * * * * * + +PAT TO THE QUESTION. + +Our law-makers in Congress--or rather law-cobblers, for few of them have +risen to the dignity of makers--are asked to repeal the _per cap_. duty +imposed by California on all Chinamen imported there. + +The Californians have the authority of Congress itself, for this duty. +By reference to "HEYL'S Rates of Duties on Imports," page 36, art. 691, +under head of "Act of June 30, 1864, chap. 171," "An act to increase +Duties on Imports," etc., we find "on paddy one cent and a half per +pound." Now if a good-sized Irishman pays $2.25, why shouldn't a +"Celestial" pay as much in proportion to the weight of his _corpus_? + + * * * * * + +Contradictory. + +It appears that, by a joint resolution of Congress, the use of "that +first-class humbug and fraud, the whiskey meter," has been abolished. +Now there are dozens of members of Congress who are not only +"first-class humbugs and frauds," but whiskey meters, to whom whiskey is +both meat and drink, and yet who ever heard of their proposing to +abolish themselves? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: STAY-AT-HOME PEOPLE + +FOLKS MAY NOT BE ABLE TO GO TO NEWPORT OR LONG BRANCH, BUT THEY CAN +ALWAYS CREATE A LOCAL SENSATION BY TAKING A FOOT-BATH IN THE BACK-YARD.] + + * * * * * + +MURPHY THE CONQUEROR + +BY CORPORAL QUINN. + + Come tip us your fist, then, yer sowl you; + Since iver I come from the wars + The like wasn't heerd. Fill the bowl you + Bowld sons of MILESIUS and MARS; + And dhrink to ould Ireland the turfy + That's shmilin' out there in the say, + Wid three cheers for the conqueror MURPHY. + Whoo! America's ours from to-day. + + Och! SAYZAR he walloped the Briton, + The Tarthars leap't China's big wall, + ALEXANDTHUR did half the wurld sit on, + But niver touched Ireland at all. + At Clontarf ould BOBU in the surf he + Sint tumblin' the murdtherin' Danes-- + But, yer sowl, the brave conqueror MURPHY + Takes the shine out of all of their panes. + + ULYSSES has made him Collecthor, + (Sich choppin' o' heads ne'er was seen;) + Sure the hayro will make me Inspecthor + Whin there's so many "wigs on the green." + And we'll be night-watchmen uproarious, + Wid big badges on our coats, + And we'll fight for TOM MURPHY the glorious, + Wid our fists, our guns, and our votes. + + At the Custom House, Dutchman and Yankee + Are thryin' to talk wid a brogue, + They're all _Irish_, now--fat, lean, or lanky, + And green are the neckties in vogue. + They're thracin' themselves to some DURPHY, + O'NEILL, or McCANN, or O'TAAFFE, + I'll go bail the bowld conqueror MURPHY + 'S too owld to be caught wid sich chaff. + + Now Dutchmin may go to the divil, + And Yankees to Plymouth's ould rock, + We'll blast it, if they are not civil; + While boys of the raal ould stock + Will hurroo for ould Ireland the turfy. + Whoo! Jibralthar is taken to-day, + Our commandther's the conqueror MURPHY-- + Now a tiger and nine times hoorray! + + * * * * * + +COMIC ZOOLOGY. + +Genus Culex.--The American Mosquito + + +Few American birds are better known than the mosquito. In common with +the woodcock, snipe, and other winged succubi, it breeds in wet places, +yet is always dry. Like them it can sustain life on mud juleps, but +prefers "cluret." It is a familiar creature, seems to regard the human +family as its Blood relations, and is always ready to sucker them. + +Being a bird of Nocturnal Habits, it is particularly attracted to human +beings in their Night-shirts. The swallow preys upon it, but it +generally eludes the Bat. Although it cannot be called Noctilucous, like +the lightning bug, it has no objection to alight in the darkness, and +you often knock till you cuss in your vain attempts to prevent its +taking a Shine to you. + +The mosquito differs in most respects from all the larger varieties of +the winged tribes, and upon the whole takes after man more than any +other living thing. Nevertheless, it certainly bears a noticeable +resemblance to some of the feathered race. Like the Nightingale, it +"sings darkling," and like the woodpecker, is much addicted to tapping +the bark of Limbs and Trunks for the purpose of obtaining grub. It may +be mentioned as an amiable idiosyncracy of the mosquito, that it is fond +of babies. If there is a child in the house, it is sure to spot the +playful innocent; and by means of an ingenious contrivance combining the +principles of the gimlet and the air-pump, it soon relieves the little +human bud of its superfluous juices. It is, in fact, a born surgeon, a +Sangrado of the Air, and rivals that celebrated Spanish Leech in its +fondness for phlebotomy. Some infidels, who do not subscribe to the +doctrine that nothing was made in vain, consider it an unmitigated +nuisance, but the devout and thoughtful Christian recognizes it as +Nature's preventive of plethora, and as it alternately breathes a Vein +and a song, it may be said (though we never heard the remark,) to +combine the _utile_ with the _dulce_. + +All the members of the genus are slender and graceful in their shape and +Gnatty in their general appearance. The common mosquito is remarkable +for its strong attachments. It follows man with more than canine +fidelity, and in some cases, the dog-like pertinacity of its affection +can only be restrained by Muslin. It is of a roving disposition, seldom +remaining settled long in one locality; and is Epicurean in its +tastes--always living, if possible, on the fat of the land. As the +mosquito produces no honey, mankind in general are not as sweet upon it +as they are upon that bigger hum-bug, the buzzy bee; yet it is so far +akin to the bee, that, wherever it forages, it produces something +closely resembling Hives. + +Few varieties of game are hunted more industriously than this, yet such +is the fecundity of the species, that the Sportsman's Club has not as +yet thought it necessary to petition the legislature for its protection. + +The New Jersey Mosquito is the largest known specimen of the genus, +except the Southern Gallinipper, which is only a few sizes smaller than +the Virginia Nightingale, and raises large speckles similar to those of +the Thrush. Ornithologists who wish to study the habits of the mosquito +in its undomesticated or nomad state, may find it in angry clouds on the +surface of the New Jersey salt marshes at this season, in company with +its teetering long-billed Congener, the Sandsnipe. + +During the last month of summer it reigns supreme in the swamps west of +Hoboken, the August Emperor of all the Rushes, and persons of an +apoplectic turn, who wish to have their surplus blood determined to the +surface instead of to the head, will do well to seek the hygienic insect +there. + + * * * * * + +An Apt Quotation. + +The name "Louvre" has now been adopted by several places of +entertainment in New York and its suburbs. A Boston gentleman, who +visited seven of them a night or two since, under the escort of a +policeman, declares that, by a slight alteration of a line of MOORE's, +New York may be well described as-- + +"A place for Louvres, and for Louvres only." + + * * * * * + +THE WATERING PLACES. + +Punchinello's Vacations. + +Mr. PUNCHINELLO puts up at the Atlantic Hotel when he goes to Cape May; +and if you were to ask him why, he would tell you that it was on account +of the admirable water-punches which JOHN McMAKIN serves up. To be sure +these mixtures do not agree with Mr. P., but he likes to see people +enjoying themselves, even if he can't do it himself. It is this +unselfish disposition, this love of his fellow-men, that enables him to +maintain that constant good humor so requisite to his calling. In fact, +though Mr. P. often says sharp things, he never gets angry. When, on +Thursday of last week, he was walking down the south side of Jackson +street, and a man asked him did he want to buy a bag, Mr. P. was not +enraged. He knew the man took him for a greenhorn, but then the man +himself was a Jerseyman. It is no shame to be a greenhorn to a +Jerseyman. Quite the reverse. Mr. P. would blush if he thought there +lived a "sand-Spaniard" who could not take advantage of him. So Mr. P. +bought the bag, and because it was made of very durable canvas, and +would last a great while, he paid a dollar for it. + +He did not ask what it was for. He knew. It was to put Cape May Diamonds +in! He put the bag in his pocket and walked along the beach for three +miles. You can't walk more than three miles here, and if you hire a +carriage you will find that you can't ride less than that distance. +Which makes it bad, sometimes. However, when Mr. P. had finished his +three miles, he didn't want to go any further. He stopped, and gazing +carelessly around to see that no one noticed him, pulled out his canvas +bag and did shuffle a little in the sand with his feet. He might +find some diamonds, you know, just as likely as any of the hundreds of +other people, who, in other sequestered parts of the beach, were pulling +out other canvas bags, and shuffling in the sand with other feet. At +length Mr. P. shuffled himself into a very sequestered nook indeed, and +there he saw a man smoking. His melancholy little boy was sitting by his +side. Perceiving that it was only General GRANT, Mr. P. advanced with +his usual grace and suavity of manner. + +"Why, Mr. President!" said he, "I thought you would be found at Long +Branch this season." + +"Long--thunder!" ejaculated the General, his face as black as the ace of +spades, (which, by the way, is blue.) "I might go to Nova Zembla for a +quiet smoke, and some sneaking politician would crawl out from the ice +with a petition. I went fishing in Pennsylvania, and I found twenty of +those fellows to every trout. However, I don't mind you. Take a seat and +have a cigar." + +[Illustration.] + +Mr. P. took the seat, (which was nothing to brag of,) and a cigar, +(which would have been a great deal to brag of, if he had succeeded in +smoking it,) and, after a whiff or two, asked his companion how it was +that he came to send such a message to Congress about Cuba. + +"What message?" said GRANT, absently. + +Mr. P. explained. + +"Oh," said GRANT, "that one! Didn't you like it? CALEB CUSHING wrote it +and brought it to me, and I signed it. If you had written one and +brought it to me, I would have signed that. 'Tisn't my fault if the +thing's wrong. What would you expect of a man?" + +Mr. P. concluded that in this case it was ridiculous to expect anything +else, and so he changed the subject. + +That afternoon Mr. P. bathed. + +He went to SLOAN'S and fitted himself out in a bathing suit, and very +lovely he looked in it, when he emerged from the bathing house at +high tide. With a red tunic; green pants; and a very yellow hat, he +resembled a frog-legged Garibaldian, ready for the harvest. + +When he hurried to the water's edge, he hesitated for a moment. The +roaring surf was so full of heads, legs, arms, back-hair, hats and feet, +that he feared there was no room for him. However, he espied a vacancy, +and plunged into the briny deep. + +How delicious! How cool! How fresh! How salt! How splendid! + +He struck out with his legs; he struck out with his arms; he dived with +his whole body. He skimmed beneath the green waters; he floated on the +rolling wave-tips; he trod water; he turned heels over head in the +emerald depths; and thus, gamboling like an Infant Triton, he passed out +beyond the breakers. It was very pleasant there. Being a little tired, +he found the change from the surging waves to the gentle chuck and flop +of the deep water, most delightful. Languidly, to rest himself, he threw +his arm over a rock just peeping above the water. But the rock gave a +start and a yawn. + +It was a sleeping shark! + +The startled fish opened his eyes to their roundest, and backed water. + +So did Mr. P. + +For an instant they gazed at each other in utter surprise. Then the +shark began slowly to sink. Mr. P. knew what that meant. The monster was +striving to get beneath him for the fatal snap! + +Mr. P. sank with him! + +With admirable presence of mind he kept exactly even with the fish. + +[Illustration.] + +At last they reached the bottom. + +Mr. P. was nearly suffocated, but he determined that he would strangle +rather than rise first. The shark endeavored to crawl under him, but Mr. +P. clung to the bottom. + +The fish then made a feint of rising, but, in an instant, Mr. P. had him +around the waist! + +The affrighted shark darted to the surface, and Mr. P. inhaled at least +a gallon of fresh air. Never before had oxygen tasted so good! + +On the surface the struggle was renewed, but Mr. P. always kept +undermost. + +At last they rested from the contest, and lay panting on the surface of +the water, glaring at each other. + +The shark, who was a master of _finesse_, swam out a little way, to +where the water was deeper, and then slowly sank, intending, if Mr. P. +followed him again to the bottom, to stay there long enough to drown the +unfortunate man. But Mr. P. knew a trick worth two of that. + +_He didn't follow him at all_! He swam towards shore as fast as he +could, and when the shark looked around, to see if he was coming, he was +safe within the line of surf. + +Need it be said that when he reached dry laud, Mr. P. became a hero with +the crowds who had witnessed this heroic struggle? + +That evening, as Mr. P. sat upon the portico of his hotel, there came +unto him, in the moonlight, a maiden of the latest fashion. + +"Sir," she softly murmured "are you the noble hero who overcame the +shark?" + +Mr. P. looked up at her. + +Her soft eyes were dimmed with irresponsible emotion. + +"I am," said he. + +The maiden stood motionless. Her whole frame was agitated by a secret +struggle. + +At length she spoke. + +"Is there a Mrs. P.?" she softly said. + +Mr. P. arose. He grasped the back of his chair with trembling hand. His +manly form quivered with a secret struggle. + +He looked upon her! + +He gazed for a moment, with glowing, passionate eyes, upon that +matchless form--upon that angelic face, and then--he clasped his brows +in hopeless agony. Stepping back, he gave the maiden one glance of +wildest love, followed by another of bitterest despair; and sank +helpless into his chair. + +[Illustration.] + +The maiden leaned, pale and trembling, against a pillar; but hearing the +approach of intruders, she recovered herself with an effort. + +"Farewell," she whispered. "I know! I know! There _is_ a Mrs. P.!"--and +she was gone. + +Mr. P. arose and slipped out into the night, shaken by a secret +struggle. He laid upon the sand and kicked up his heels. + +_There isn't any_ Mrs. P.! + +Mr. P. does not wish to sweep his hand rudely o'er the tender chords of +any heart, but he wants it known that he is neither to be snapped up by +sharks in the sea, or by young women at watering places. + + * * * * * + +A DOG'S TALE. + +Dogmatic. + +I am only a dog, I admit; but do you suppose dogs have no feeling? I +guess if you were kicked out of every door-way you ran into, and driven +away from every meat stand or grocery you happened to smell around, you +would think you had feelings. + +When I see some dogs riding in carriages, looking so grandly out of the +windows, or others walking along proudly by the side of their owners, I +have a feeling of dislike for the very thought of liberty! + +I sometimes go with the crowd to a lecture-room, and listen to the +speeches about freedom and liberty, the hatred of bondage, and all that +sort of thing. I get my tail up, and wish I could tell them what liberty +really is. There is nothing worse in the world than this running around +loose, with no one to look after you, and no one for you to look after; +no one to notice you when you wag your tail, and to have no occasion for +so doing. You go out and you come in, and nobody cares. If you never +come back, no one troubles himself about you. + +Every day I hear men reading in the papers about some lucky dogs having +strayed, or having been stolen, a large reward being offered for their +recovery: and I envy each lost dog! I wonder who would advertise for me +if I got lost! Alas! no one. They would not give me a bone to bring me +back, or to keep me from drowning myself. But every boy in the street +thinks he has a right to throw stones at me; and tie tin-kettles to my +tail; and chase me when I have had the good luck to find a bone; and to +set big dogs upon me to worry me when I am faint from hunger and haven't +much pluck; and worse than all, chase me and cry "Ki-yi," when I am +almost dying of thirst! + +If you only knew how hard it is for a poor dog to make his way in the +world, with no one to help him to a mouthful of food, you would feel +sorry for us. + +But I think we might get along better if it wasn't for the scarcity of +water. I hardly know a spot in the city where I can get a drink; and +many a time I have gone all day without a drop. + +If I happen to hang out my tongue and droop my tail, my ears are saluted +with "Mad dog! Let's kill him!" You need not wonder I sometimes turn +round, and snap at my pursuers. I think you would snap, too, if you were +chased through street and lane and alley, till your blood was in a +perfect fever, and you hardly knew which way you were running! I have, +on many such occasions, actually run past a beautiful bone that lay +handy on the side-walk, and never stopped to smell it. + +Oh! I wish some one would take me prisoner, and continue to own me, and +keep me in bondage as long as I lived! I should only be too happy to +give up my liberty, and settle down and be a respectable dog! + + * * * * * + +A Bute-Iful Idea. + +The Marquis of Bute denies that he is going to return to the Protestant +fold. With reference to the rumor, the Pope stated in the Ecumenical +Council that "the Bute was on the right leg at last, and that he would +launch his thunder against him who should dare that Bute displace." + + * * * * * + +WHAT IS IT? + +As the shades of night descend (in the neighborhood of Mecklenburg, +N.C.,) and harmless domestic animals begin to compose themselves to +sleep, suddenly the drowsy world is awakened by a roaring like that of a +lion! It proceeds from the forest, in whose bosky recesses (as the +Mecklenburgers suppose) some terrible creature proclaims his hunger and +his inclination to appease it with human flesh! All night long the +quaking denizens of that hamlet lie and listen to the roaring, which is +an effectual preventive of drowsiness, as the moment any one begins to +be seized with it he also begins to fancy he is about to be seized and +deglutinated by the horrid monster! Naturalists are positive it is not +the Gyascutis, but admit that a Megatherium may have lately awakened +from the magnetic sleep of ages, with the pangs of a mighty hunger +tearing his wasted viscera. + +If our theory is correct, the good people of Mecklenburg (was it not in +Mecklenburg that the agitation for Independence began?) may be assured +that deliverance from this unreasonable Dragon is possible. We think it +more than likely that it is simply GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN practicing for +the next invasion of Great Britain. Nothing could be more harmless. One +Ku-Kluxian youth, armed with a double-barrelled shot-gun, four +bowie-knives, and a number of revolvers, could rout him instantly, and +even check the flow of his vociferous eloquence so suddenly as to put +him in imminent danger of asphyxia. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RETRIBUTION. + +THE BOYS OF SAN FRANCISCO, EXASPERATED AT THE CONVERSION OF THEIR DOGS +INTO PIE, TIE KETTLES TO THE TAILS OF THE CHINAMEN.] + + * * * * * + +Giving the Cue. + +"Is that one of your Chinese _belles_? asked Mr. PUNCHINELLO of Mr. +KOOPMAN-SCHOOP, as one of the newly-imported yallagals passed. + +"Yes," replied Mr. K. "You can always tell a Chinese bell from a Chinese +gong by the bell-pull attached to it." + +Mr. P. immediately presented his _chapeau_ to Mr. K. + + * * * * * + +HINTS FOR--THOSE WHO WILL TAKE THEM. + +Mr. PUNCHINELLO: Your invaluable "Hints for the Family," published some +time since, seem destined to work a revolution in our domestic economy; +as the plans you propose must win the admiration of housekeepers by +their extreme simplicity, aside from any other motives to their +adoption. I have myself tested several of your methods, and find that +you speak from thorough and circumstantial knowledge of your subject In +bread-making, for instance, we find that when the cat reposes in the +dough, it (the dough) will not rise, though the cat does. But in the +clock manufacture, we fear you have divulged one of the secrets of the +trade. + +Your little invention for carrying a thread should be recommended to +students and other isolated beings, notwithstanding their unaccountable +propensity to pierce other substances than the cloth. They would find +driving the needle through much facilitated by a skilful use of the +table formerly described. + +Permit me to make a few additional suggestions. + +Get some worsted and a pair of needles; set up from twenty to forty +stitches, more or less, and knit till you are tired. When finished--(the +knitting)--draw out the needles and bite off the thread. You will thus +have made an elegant lamp-mat, of the same color as the worsted, and the +very thing for a Christmas present to your grandmother. + +This is a very graceful employment, and a great favorite with ladies; in +fact, some ladies seem so infatuated with work of that kind, that, +according to the new theory of the Future, a fruition of fancy-work will +be amongst their other blissful realizations. And so, after surveying +Deacon QUIRK'S spiritual potato fields, or perhaps some fresh +(spiritual) manifestation of Miss PHELPS'S piety and intelligence, we +may have the pleasure of seeing the sun and moon hung with tidies, and a +lamp-mat under each star. + +Take your rejected sketches and compositions, cut them in strips two or +three inches wide, and as long as the paper will permit. Fold these +strips lengthwise as narrow as possible, and smooth the edges down flat +with your finger. When finished, or perhaps before, you will find you +have made a bunch of excellent lamp-lighters. + +Get a suit of clothes--broadcloth is the best--and a pair of boots to +stand them in. Button the coat, and insert in the neck any vegetable you +choose, so that it be large enough, (one of the drum-head species is the +best,) and finish with a hat You will then find, doubtless to your +surprise and delight, that you have a man, or an excellent +substitute for one, equal, if not superior to the genuine article, +warranted to be always pleased with his dinner, and never, necessarily, +in the way. Some people may object to its lack of intelligence, as +compared with the original, but careful investigation has shown that the +difference is very slight; yet, admitting even this to be a positive +fault, it is amply counterbalanced by negative merits. Your +correspondent who writes about "The Real Estate of Woman," will be +relieved to find that the threatened dearth in husbands can be so +readily obviated. + +Very truly, + +ANN O. BLUE. + + * * * * * + +For Singers, Only. + +What is the best wine for the voice? + +Canary. + + * * * * * + +A Chop-House Aphorism. + +Customers who fee waiters may always be sure of their Feed. + + * * * * * + +Washy. + +The daily papers tell us that "Sixty-Eight Thousand persons visited the +public baths during last week." + +They went in--a week lot--and came out sixty-eight thousand strong. + + * * * * * + +Constructive Genius. + +"A poor woman in Utica, who owns three houses and is building another, +sends her children into the streets daily to beg." + +Quite right. While the youngsters beg in the streets, let the +enterprising old lady go on and begin another house. + + * * * * * + +A Result of the Mongol. + +Owing to the influx of Chinamen into this country, the edict against +allowing dogs to run at large during the Summer has been relaxed. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BOMBASTES BONAPARTE: + +NOW PERFORMING AT THE THEATRE FRANCAIS. + +"He who would these Boots displace +Must meet BOMBASTES face to face."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEW PANDORA'S BOX. + +REPRESENTATIVE MANUFACTURER, (_springing open Chinese surprise +box_.)--"THERE!--WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT LITTLE JOKER?" + +KNIGHT OF ST. CRISPIN.--"PSHAW! THAT'S A MEAN TRICK: WAIT TILL I OPEN +_MY_ BOX!"] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN ON THE CHINESE. + +He write a letter to the North Adams Shoe Manufacturer.--New Occupation +for the "Coming Man." + + +NSBORO, NYE ONTO VARMONT, _July the 11th_, 18-_Seventy_. + +MISTER SAMPSON: + +Selestial sir:--I take my goose quil in hand to rite you a letter. I +like your stile--you soot me. I myself have been an old Statesman, +having served my country for 4 years as Gustise of the Peece, raisin' +sed offis to a higher standard than usual, as well as raisin' an +interestin' family of eleven healthy children. Upon the linements of +their countenance the features and stamp of GREEN stands out in bold +relief. They are all genuine Green-bax. + +A little cloud no bigger than a man's hand made its appearance over the +golden streets of San Francisco. + +It is growin' bigger, and afore we know it, will be bigger than a white +elefant. + +You have ceased the dilemer by the horn which hangs suspended from the +dilemer's head, like the tail of a kite. + +While you have set the Chinees peggin' away puttin' bottoms on shoes, a +great many are peggin' away "putin' a head onto you." + +In the present statis of things you want to blow up your nerve, and +stand as firm as the rox of Jiberalter, and like BYRON exclaim: + + "To be or not to be, there's the question;-- + Whether a man feels better to pay big wages for shoemakers, + Or to suffer the slings and arrows of everybody, + By hirin' Pig-tails for 1/2 price?" + +Poleticians of the different churches don't endorse our Selestial +brother. But, sir, I'll venter a few dollars, that if the children of +the son--and dorter--leaned towards either party, he would be gobled up +quicker'n scat, even if he come red hot from old LUCIFER, with a pocket +full of free passes, for the whole nashun, to the Infernal regions. + +That's so. A vote's a vote, if it comes from Greenland's coral strand or +Afric's icy mountains. I feel a good deal towards you as a nabor of +mine, named JOE BELCHER, once did. + +JOE likes his tod, and can punish as much gin and tansy as a New York +alderman can, when drinkin' at the sity's expense. + +JOE went to camp meetin' last week, and, I am pained to say it, JOSEF +got drunker than a biled owl. + +While one of the brethern was preachin', JOE sot on a pine log tryin' to +make out wether the preacher was a double-headed man, or whether 2 men +were holdin' forth. + +"Who'll stand up for the carpenter's Son?" sed the preacher. + +This made JOE look around. + +The question was again repeated. + +Again JOE looked around for an answer. + +Again the preacher said: "Who'll stand up for Him?" + +JOE by this time had got onto his feet, and was steadyin' himself by +holdin' onto a tree, while he sung out: + +"I say (hic!) ole feller, Ile stand up (hic!) for him, or any 'orrer man +who hain't got any (hic!) more fren's than he has (hic!) in this 'ere +crowd." + +I feel a good deal as JOE did. Anybody who hain't got any more frends +than you have, Mr. SAMPSON, has my sympathy. + +For bringin' these _hily morril_ and _refined_ Monongohelians to +Massachusetts is a big feather in your cap, and you will receive your +reward bime-bye. + +"The wages of sin is death." + +But the wages of a Chinyman is money in a man's pocket. They work cheap. + +I am trying to get the Chinese substituted for canal hosses. + +A man here by the name of SNYDER, who runs a canal Hoss to our Co., +talks of sendin' for a lot. + +Won't they be bang up with their cues hitcht to a canal bote snakin' it +along at the rate of a mile inside of 2 hours. "G'lang! Tea leaf." + +Then when they was restin' from their labors, by tyin' 2 of 'em together +by their cues, stand one opposite the other and hang close between 'em +to dry, on washin' day. + +What an aristocratic thing Chiny close-line posts would be. The only +drawback that I know of is, that the confounded posts mite some day walk +off with all the close. + +But, sir, if they served me in that manner, I would cover the ground +with broken crockery by smashin' their old Chiny mugs for 'em. + +Since you've awoken to _notorosity_, I have been studdyin' out your +family pedigree. + +I find your Antsisters are connected with long hair more or less, same +as you be with Chiny pig-tails. + +Old SAMPSON the first's strength, like your'n of to-day, lade in his +long hair. + +He could cut off more heads, and slay more Fillistians with the jaw bone +of a member of Congress than the President of these U.S. can by makin' a +new deal in the Custom house department. + +And, sir, I reckon about these days, we are getting rather more of that +same kind of jaw bone than is healthy. + +I am afrade not. + +Mrs. SAMPSON worked like a kag of apple sass in hot weather, to find out +where her old man's strength was. When she found out, what did she do? +Why, she got a pair of sheep shears and cropped him closer'n a state +prison bird, and tryin' to lift a house full of fokes, it fell onto him +and smashed him. + +Like LOT'S wife, she'd orter been turned into a pillow of salt, and then +the pillow had orter been sewed up and cast into the sea. + +Another of the SAMPSONS wouldn't even chop off MARIAR ANTERNETTE'S head +until her hair had been cut off, so he could peel her top-knot off slick +and cleen. + +Lookin' back at these cheerful antsisters of your'n, it's no wonder you +go in for long haired labor. It runs in the SAMPSON blood. + +The public is cussin' you from DANIEL to BEEBSHEBER, because you've +brought a lot of modern Philistines to Massachusetts. + +Let 'em cus. + +That's their lay. + +Your'n is, to bild up a fortin, if Poor-houses for white laborers to +live in is thicker in North Adams than goose pimples on a fever and ager +sufferer's form. + +As old Grandma SAMPSON cut off her old man's long hair, so she could +handle him in one of them little fireside scrimmages which we married +fokes enjoy, so fokes would crop you, my hi toned old Joss stick. + +But I've writ more'n I intended to. I would like to have you come and +make us a visit. + +Bring along your wife, DELIAL. Tell her to bring her croshay work. + +Mrs. GREEN is interestin' company among wimmen. + +What MARIAR don't know about her nabors, don't happen. + +Then her veel pot-pies and ingin puddins are just rats. + +She can nock the spots off from any woman who wears a waterfall, gettin' +up a good square meal. + +Anser soon, and don't forget to pay your own postige. + +Hopin' you are sound on the goose and able to enjoy your _Swi lager und +Sweitzer_, + +I am thine, old hoss, + +HIRAM GREEN, Esq., + +Lait Gustise of the Peece. + + + * * * * * + + +TREATMENT FOR POTATO BUGS. + +Mr. CLARK JOHNSON, of Pendleton, Indiana, not at all discouraged by the +signal failures of many previous campaigns against the Bug, has entered +the (potato) field with a new weapon, viz.: a mixture of Paris Green and +Ashes. Applied frequently, as a Top Dressing, this gentle stimulant +imparts a new energy to the vine, and also to the Bug, who thus becomes +so vigorous, and at the same time restless, that an uncontrollable +impulse seizes him to visit the home of his ancestors, (Colorado.) Here, +as is supposed by Mr. JOHNSON, the fictitious energy that had been +supplied by the Mixture deserts the immigrant, who now settles down +contentedly, nor ever roams again. + +As (owing to the present facilities of freighting, etc.,) the Potatoes +of Pendleton may eventually find the New York market, which always +invites the superior esculent, we would like to suggest to Mr. JOHNSON +that this Mixture be administered to the Bug with a spoon, and not +sprinkled promiscuously on the ground. We have drank Tea with a "green +flavor," and found it comparatively innocuous; but Potatoes with a green +flavor, (especially if flavored by the JOHNSONIAN method,) we should +consider as doubtful, to say the least. It is the general impression +that there is nothing Green in Paris; but your house painter knows there +is such a thing as Paris Green, and that it is the oxyde of copper. +Therefore, should one eat many of the potatoes nourished as above, we +should expect to see him gradually turning into a Bronze Statue--a fate +which, unless he were particularly Greeky and nice-looking, we should +wish to anticipate, if possible, in the interests of art. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MR. SWACHENBACKER, OF THE AIRY 'UN SOCIETY, CREATES A +SENSATION AMONG THE LADY BATHERS AT "THE BRANCH," BY APPEARING AMONG +THEM AS A MERMAN, WITH A REAL LOOKING-GLASS AND A FALSE TAIL.] + + * * * * * + +Fashionable Intelligence. + +Two colors that once were fashionable in the Parisian _toilette_, viz.: +BISMARCK brown and Prussian blue, are now excluded from court circles, +by command of the Empress. + + * * * * * + +Weather or No. + +Most remarkable in the history of mathematics are the calculations +published by the weather-prophet of the _Express_. Arithmetic turns pale +when she glances at them, and, striking her multiplication table with +her algebraic knuckles, demands to know why the _Express_ does not add a +Cube-it to its THATCHER. + + * * * * * + +Comparative Industry. + +It is reported that "the journeymen lathers demand four dollars per +day." As a question of comparative soap, the latherers will in due time +strike too. The ultimatum will be-"Raise our pay or we drop the Razor." + + * * * * * + +"Omnibus Hoc," etc. + +What is the difference between theft in an omnibus and the second deal +at cards? + +One is a Game of the Stage, and the other is a Stage of the Game. + + * * * * * + +OUR AGRICULTURAL COLUMN. + +Memorabilia of "What I Know About Farming." + +Profound subjects should be well meditated upon. A man may write about +"New America," or "Spiritual Wives," or any such light and airy subject, +without possessing much knowledge, or indulging in much thought, but he +can't play such tricks upon Agriculture. She is very much like a donkey: +unless you are thoroughly acquainted with her playful ways, she will +upset you in a quagmire. Perhaps it is due to my readers that I should +say here that I have read a great many valuable treatises upon this +subject, among which may be named, "Cometh up as a Flour," "Anatomy of +Melon-cholly," "Sowing and Reaping," one thousand or two volumes of +Patent Office Reports, and three or four bushels of "Proverbial +Philosophy." I would also add, that I invariably remain awake on clear +nights, and think out the ideas set down in this column. Probably you +may not be able to find traces of all that labor here, but I assure you +that those books are more familiar to me than is my catechism. However, +anybody who thinks he knows more about vegetables than I do, can send me +a letter containing his information, and, if I don't cabbage it, I will +plant it carefully in the bottom of the waste paper basket. We now +proceed to consider. + +PAR'S NIPS. + +This vegetable always flourishes in a moist soil, though it generally +has a holy horror of _aqua pura_. Some of them are of an immense size; I +have seen them fill a tumbler. Producers, however, generally charge more +for the large ones than for the small. The size of the nip usually +depends upon the par. It may be that your par's nip is extremely small, +while JOHN SMITH'S par's nip is very large. Four fingers is, I believe, +considered to be the regulation size. + +This vegetable is served up in a variety of forms. Some pars like it +with milk; in that case it is generally "hung up." In the winter it is +often called a sling or a punch; in the summer it is denominated a +cobbler or a jew-lip. Perhaps it would be well for those who love it, to +indulge in par's nip now, for some people say, that in the days of the +"coming man" there will be no par's nips. It must be admitted that the +father of a family, who indulges too freely in par's nip, is very likely +to run to seed, and to plant himself in such unfruitful places as the +gutter. If he be a young par, he may become a rake, and fork over his +money, and then ho! for the alms-house. + +Numerous efforts have been made to suppress this vegetable, among which +may be reckoned, "Father, dear Father, come home with me now," Brother +GOUGH'S circus, and the parades of the F.M.T.A.B. Societies. Maine and +Vermont Neal together in the front rank of its opponents. In Boston they +tried to suppress this vegetable, but, if you followed your par to a +store and heard him order a cracker, you could smell par's nip. + +Among the mild varieties of this article may be mentioned benzine, +camphene and kerosene; the next strongest kind is called Jersey +lightning; but, if you desire par's nips in their most luxuriant form, +go to Water street and try the species known as "rot-gut." + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +Poetry is the exclusive birthright of no age of people. The dirtiest +Hindoo sings to his _fetish_ the songs of the Brahmin muse, with as keen +a relish as the most devout Christian does the hymns of Dr. WATTS. +Melody comes of Heaven, and is a gift vouchsafed to all generations, and +all kinds of men. In proof of this, let us adduce a single extract from +the great epic of the Hawaiian poet, POPPOOFI, entitled "Ka Nani E!" + + Ka nani e! ka nani e! + Alohi puni no + Mai luna, a mai lalo nei, + A ma na mea a pau. + +We would call the attention of our readers particularly to the sublime +sentiment of the second line. "Alohi puni no," sings the peerless +POPPOOFI, and where, in the pages of that other Oriental HOMER, the +Persian HAFI, can be found anything half so magnificent? There may be +critics bigoted enough to think that the last line destroys the effect +of the other three; but _we_ don't. PUNCHINELLO would much rather +discover the good in a thing at any time, than go a-fishing on Sundays. + +It is not in the nature of a properly constituted human being to lay his +hand upon his heart and chant: + + "Ka nani e! Ka nani e!" + +in the presence of his mother-in-law, without feeling that life is not +so miserable as some people would make it out. In the words of ALEXANDER +SELKIRK'S man FRIDAY: "_Palmam qui meruit ferat_." + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +Emmet is a name which has heretofore been associated in the public mind +with the Negro Minstrel business. Certain weird barbaric melodies, which +defy all laws of musical composition, but which haunt one like a dream +of a lonely night on some wild African river, are said to have been +written by "OLD EMMET." Is there any such person? Has any one actually +seen "OLD EMMET" in the flesh, and with--say a high hat and a cotton +umbrella? For my part I disbelieve in the popular theory of the origin +of these EMMETIC melodies which stir one so strangely. They are not the +work of any earthly song writer, but are born of some untuned Eolian +harp played upon by uncertain breezes, that murmur the memory of +tropical groves and sigh with the sadness of exile. There is no "OLD +EMMET." If there is, let him be brought forward--not to be chucked out +of the window, as Mrs. F.'s AUNT might suggest,--but to be thanked and +wondered at as an inchoate OFFENBACH, who might, under other +circumstances, have written an American opera-bouffe, or, better still, +as a possible CHOPIN, who might have written a second "March Funébre" as +hopeless and desolate and fascinating as that of the despairing and +poetic Pole. (I am coming to "FRITZ" in a moment, but I won't be hurried +by any one.) + +As for JOSEPH K. EMMET, he is an undoubted reality. If you don't believe +it, go to WALLACK'S and see him. Somebody discovered this EMMET in the +Pastoral privacy of the Bowery. Mr. GAYLER was made to write a play for +him, and EMMET, the Bowery Minstrel, straightway became Mr. JOSEPH K. +EMMET, the renowned impersonator of "FRITZ." He plays "FRITZ" at +WALLACK'S every evening, and the entertainment is something of this +nature. + +ACT I.--_Scene, the outside of Castle Garden. Enter baggage-smashers, +emigrant-runners, aldermen, and other criminals_. + +RUNNER. "There's a ship a' comin' up. I'll lay for the Dutchmen." + +BOBBIT. (_A concert-saloon manager_.) "There's a ship coming up. I'll +lay for the Dutch girls." + +DISSOLUTE COLONEL. "There's a ship coming up. I want you two fellows to +look out for a Dutchman named "FRITZ," who is onboard. He takes care of +a girl, KATRINA, whom I adore. Carry off FRITZ and I'll carry off the +girl." + +(_Various emigrants enter and are hustled off by the runners_. FRITZ +_and_ KATRINA _finally appear_.) + +FRITZ. "Ja. Das ist gut. Ach himmel; zwei bier und Limburger." + +(_The runners seize his trunk and carry it off. The_ DISSOLUTE COLONEL +_hurries_ KATRINA _into a coach and carries her off_. FRITZ _is carried +away by his emotions. Curtain_.) + + +ACT II.--_Scene, a boarding-house parlor. Enter_ DISSOLUTE COLONEL +and KATRINA. + +DISSOLUTE COLONEL. "You are in my power. Be mine, and you shall have as +many bonnets and things as you can wish. Refuse, and I'll send every +reporter in the city to interview you." + +KATRINA. "Base villain! I despise you. Let the torturers do their +worst." + +(_Enter_ FRITZ, _disguised as a member of the Sorosis_.) + +KATRINA. "You here! Be cautious. The hash is drugged. Save me, my +beloved." + +FRITZ. "Ja. Das ist nicht gut. Herr Colonel, Ich bin KATRINA'S aunt. Ich +habe gekommen to take her away wid me, ye owdacious spalpeen." + +DISSOLUTE COLONEL. "Glad to see you. Take some hash, madam?" + +FRITZ. "Ja. Das ist gut. Take some yourself, you murtherin' thafe of the +worruld." + +(_The_ DISSOLUTE COLONEL _forgets that the hash is drugged. He takes it +and falls insensible_. FRITZ _and_ KATRINA _escape. Scene changes to +Judge_ DOWLING'S _court-room_.) + +FRITZ. (_Having left off his Sorosis disguise_.) "Ja. Das is nicht gut. +Behold, O wise young judge, the misguided person who put my trunk in his +pocket and ran away with it." + +JUDGE. "Prove your case." + +FRITZ. "Ja. Das ist gut. Begar! I proves him _toute de suite_--what you +call to wunst. You see those Limburger cheese in the villain's mouth. He +got them out of my trunk. So you see I have him ein thief geproven." + +JUDGE. "Your case is proved. Let the prisoner be removed." + +FRITZ. "Ja. Das ist sehr gut. Now I'm a gwine to de saloon, where dis +niggah has a ningagement for to sing." + +(_Scene changes to a concert saloon_. FRITZ _enters and goes through an +entire programme of negro minstrelsy, to the wild delight of the +gallery. At last the lazy curtain slowly consents to fall_.) + + +ACT III.--The DISSOLUTE COLONEL _come to grief, and_ FRITZ _marries_ +KATRINA. If you want to know all about it, go to the theatre. I don't +intend to ruin the establishment by giving the public the whole play for +the ridiculous sum which is charged for this copy of PUNCHINELLO. The +third act is the last of the play, and when the curtain fells, the +audience immediately proceeds to pick EMMET to pieces. + +BOY IN THE GALLERY. "Ain't he just tip, though? I've seen him lots o' +times at TONY PASTOR'S, and I allers knowed he'd be a big thing if the +Bowery or thishyer theatre got a hold on him." + +YOUNG LADY. "Isn't it frightfully low? The idea of Mr. WALLACK +permitting this negro minstrelsy in his theatre. To be sure Mr. EMMET is +funny; but I hate to see people funny in this place." + +OLD GENTLEMAN. "My dear! don't be absurd. Suppose Mr. EMMET has been a +minstrel, is that any proof that he can't be an actor? The young fellow +has his faults, but they will wear off in time, and he is brimful of +real talent. The play isn't a model of excellence, but it was made to +show EMMET'S strong points, and it answers its purpose. Shall we cry +down a talented and promising young actor simply because he has been a +minstrel, and now has the audacity to play at WALLACK'S? And besides, +haven't we seen pantomime, and legs, and LOTTA, and DAN BRYANT at +WALLACK'S? You never objected to any of the illegitimacies that have +preceded FRITZ;--why then should you begin now? Give EMMET and GAYLER a +chance. At any rate they can make you laugh, which is something that +BOUCICAULT with his '_Lost at Sea_' did not do." + +MATADOR. + + + * * * * * + + +A PARABLE ABOUT THE TWELFTH OF JULY. + +In a far distant land, beyond the sea, there dwelt an Orange Lily. +Separated from it by a very absurd and useless ditch, a Green Shamrock +spread its trefoil leafage to the sun, and grew greener every day. Now, +in course of time, a very ill feeling sprang up between the Lily and the +Shamrock, on account of color, the former despising the latter because +it was green, and the latter hating the former because it was orange--as +if both colors hadn't lived together in the rainbow ever since the +aquatic excursion of old Mr. NOAH, without ever falling out of it or +with each other. In time they both crossed the sea, and took root in a +far-away land, where they became acquainted with a very remarkable +animal called the American Beaver. + +The industry of this creature urged the Lily to toil and spin, contrary +to its usual habits, while the Shamrock converted its trifoliated leaves +into shovels, and took a contract for excavating the hemisphere. And so +they might have jogged on very well together, but for their stupid way +of showing their colors when there was no occasion for it. This greatly +disgusted their friend, the American Beaver, who didn't care a pinch of +snuff about color, (black is not a color, you know,) but who went in for +faithful and persistent work. One beautiful Twelfth of July, the Lily +arose very early in the morning, and, shaking out her orange leaves, +defied the Shamrock to "come on." The Shamrock came on. There was a +vegetable howl, and clash, and clangor in the air, and the Lily, having +knocked off several of the Shamrocks' greenest leaves, went to its +friend, the American Beaver, for comfort and support. But the American +Beaver, instead of countenancing the Lily, said: "Look here, Lily, I +guess you are about the greatest fool I ever _did_ see, except, perhaps, +the Shamrock. As long as you two stick to your work, instead of sticking +out your colors and sticking your knives into each other, I am very glad +to have you for neighbors, but now that you have shown yourselves to be +jack-asses instead of vegetables, I would not give an American Beaver +dam for the two of you." + + * * * * * + +CONDENSED CONGRESS. + +SENATE. + +A pleasant philosopher tells us that blessings brighten as they take +their flight. The flight of Congress may be regarded as a blessing. But +Congressmen do not brighten. PUNCHINELLO listens in vain for the swan +song of SUMNER, and looks longingly, without being gratified by the +spectacle of the oratorical funeral pyre of NYE. Almost the only gleam +of humor he discerns in his weekly wading through the watery and windy +wastes of the Congressional Globe is a comic coruscation by Mr. CAMERON. + +Mr. McCREERY had had the abominable impudence to introduce +a bill relieving the disabilities of a few friends of his in Kentucky. +Mr. CAMERON objected upon the ground that one of these persons was named +SMITH, and used to be a New York Street Commissioner. Any man who had +been a New York Street Commissioner ought to be hanged as soon as any +decent pretext could be found for hanging him. (Murmurs of approbation +from the New York reporters.) Still this was not his main objection to +SMITH. The SMITH family had furnished more aid and comfort to the rebel +army than any other family in the South. No SMITH should, with his +consent, be permitted to participate in the conduct of a Government +which so many SMITHS had conspired to overthrow. Moreover, this was an +incorrigible SMITH. It was an undisputed fact that SMITH had given up a +lucrative office to follow his political convictions. Such a man could +not be viewed by Senators with any other feelings than those of horror +and disgust. Let them reflect what would be the effect of polluting this +body, as by this bill it was proposed to make it possible to do, with a +man so dead to all the common feelings of our nature that he would set +up his own conceits against the practice of his fellow-Senators, and the +rewards of a grateful country. This settled the fate of SMITH, but the +rest of Mr. McCREERY's friends, being obscure persons, were let in, in +spite of the "barbaric yaup" of DRAKE, who said that the next thing +would be a proposition to enact a similar outrage in Missouri, and +thereby abet the efforts of the bold bad men who were trying to get him +out of his seat. + +HOUSE. + +SCHENCK insisted upon the Tariff. He had been visited by +delegations from the great heart of the nation, who assured him that the +great heart of the nation yearned for an immediate increase of the duty +on various articles which competed with the articles manufactured by the +members of the delegation. No longer ago than yesterday a manufacturer +of double-back-action jack-planes had assured him that the +single-forward-action jack-planes poured upon our shores by the pauper +labor of Europe, were, so to speak, shaving off the edge of the national +life. A gentleman whose name was known to the uttermost parts of the +civilized world, who had shed new lustre upon the American name by the +great boon he had bestowed upon mankind in the American self-filling +rotary Bird of Freedom inkstand with revolving lid, had said, with the +tears of patriotic shame and sorrow in his eyes, that there were +recreant writers who preferred to purchase the Birmingham inkstand, +which required to be filled, did not rotate, and had no revolution to +its lid, at fifty cents, than to secure his own triumph of American +ingenuity at ten dollars. Such misguided men must be taught their duty +to their native land. Mr. SCHENCK moved an increase to 4,000 per cent, +_ad valorem_ on the foreign jack-plane, which he characterized as a Tool +of Tyranny, and the Birmingham inkstand. The thing was done. + +Mr. DAWES said he was disgusted. Everybody's jobs were put through +except his. He threatened to go home and tell his constituents. + +Mr. PETERS suggested that Mr. DAWES had better go out and take "suthin' +soothin'." (Mr. PETERS is from Maine, and his remark will probably be +understood there.) If he might be pardoned the liberty he would +recommend a little ice in it. + +Mr. DAWES said he could do his own drinking. As for PETERS, he scorned +him. Moreover, PETERS was one-eyed. + +Mr. PETERS appealed to his record to show that he had two eyes. He did +not understand the anger of Mr. DAWES. Of course when he suggested a +drink, he assumed the responsibility of paying for it. + +Mr. DAWES said that altered the case entirely. He took pleasure in +withdrawing his hasty remarks, and in assuring the House that he +profoundly venerated PETERS, and that PETERS had two perfect eyes of +unusual expressiveness. + +Mr. BINGHAM called attention to the case of Mr. PORTER, who had been +smitten on the nose by a vile creature whom he declined to drink with. +This was a blow at the national life, and he thought the punishment of +treason was imperatively demanded. + +Mr. BUTLER said he had been kicked once. He assured the House that the +sensation was repugnant to his feelings as a man--much more as a +Congressman. He moved to amend by substituting slow torture. + +It was finally resolved to put the wretch in irons and feed him on bread +and water. + + + * * * * * + + +A Drowsy Con. + +When a man is sleepy, what sort of transformation does he desire? + +He wishes he were a-bed. + + + * * * * * + + + An Anecdote of the good old Square Kind. + +MRS. PRINGLEWOOD, having been afflicted with a chimney that smoked, sent +for a chimney-doctor to cure it. + +When the cure had been thoroughly effected, says Mrs. PRINGLEWOOD to the +chimney-doctor: "My son, a boy of but fourteen, smokes awful; couldn't +you cure him as you did the chimney?" + +"No I couldn't, marm," returned the chimney-doctor, who was a wag: "but +I see what you're arter, marm--you want me to teach him to draw!" + + + * * * * * + + +O Deer, Deer! + +_Trichinoe_ are said to have been discovered in the flesh of Oregon +deer. If this should prove true, Oregon venison must be anything but a +benison; but it is more than likely that the report originated in the +fact that there is in the East Indies a species of the cervine family +known as the Hog deer. + + + * * * * * + + +Scientific Intelligence. + +We learn from exchanges that in Missouri, where the wages of +working-people average five dollars _per diem_, that the Legislature +have decreed a Mining Bureau, and a Geological Survey of the State--the +remuneration of the assistant geologists to be at the rate of $1.50 _per +diem_. Why should these learned geologists waste their time for a +compensation so mean? Let them rather convert their surveying-staffs +into ox-goads, and turn their attention to Gee-haw-logy,--'twill pay +better than t'other thing. + + + * * * * * + + +Men and Manners + +The following paragraph, cut from a newspaper, suggests a good deal: + +"A Hindoo cabby, before mounting the box and taking the reins, always +first prays that his driving may be to the glory of his God." + +Now this is precisely what the New York hackman invariably does before +he gathers up the reins and urges on his "galled jades." He curses his +horses, his passengers, and his own eyes, and thus commends his driving +to the glory of _his_ God, whose other name is LUCIFER. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | Are offering | + | | + | A SPLENDID ASSORTMENT | + | OF THE | + | LATEST PARIS NOVELTIES. | + | IN | + | | + | ROMAN. ECOSSAIS, CARREAUX. | + | BROCHE, CHINE, GROS | + | GRAIN AND TAFFETA | + | | + | SASH RIBBONS, | + | IN THE MOST DESIRABLE WIDTHS AND | + | SHADES OF COLOR. Also, | + | | + | Velvet Ribbons, Trimming Ribbons, | + | Neckties, &c., &c. | + | | + | _Great Inducements to Purchasers_. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. STEWART & Co. | + | | + | Are Offering | + | | + | Extraordinary Bargains | + | IN | + | LADIES' PARIS AND DOMESTIC READY-MADE | + | Silk, Grenadine, Swiss Muslin, | + | Victoria Lawn, Linen | + | and Pique | + | | + | Suits, Robes, and Dresses, | + | | + | Children's Linen and Pique Garments, | + | In the Greatest Variety, | + | | + | Embroidered Collars, CUFFS, LACES, | + | Real LAMA LACE POINTS, | + | DRESSES &c., &c. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Steward & Co. | + | | + | Are closing out their stock of | + | FRENCH, ENGLISH, AND DOMESTIC | + | CARPETS, | + | | + | Oil Cloths, Rugs, Mats, Cocoa and Canton | + | Mattings, &c., &c., | + | | + | At a Great REDUCTION IN PRICES. | + | | + | _Customers and Strangers are Respectfully_ | + | | + | INVITED TO EXAMINE, | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. STEWART &CO. | + | | + | Offer the following | + | | + | Extraordinary Inducements | + | | + | IN PRICES TO PURCHASERS, | + | | + | In order to close the following portion of their Stock: | + | | + | Striped Checks, & Broche Poplinettes, | + | Only 50 cts. per Yard. | + | | + | Heavy Black and White Check Silks, | + | 75 cts. per Yard, value $1.50. | + | | + | Real Gaze de Chambrey, | + | 75 cts. per Yard, formerly $2. | + | | + | Striped Mongoline Silks (a Beautiful | + | Article for Costumes), | + | $1 per Yard, formerly $2 | + | | + | A LARGE QUANTITY OF | + | | + | STRIPED & CHECKED SILKS, | + | | + | This Season's Importation, $1 per Yard. | + | A great Variety of the | + | | + | NEW ROUBAIX SILKS, 56 INCHES WIDE, $1.25 | + | per Yard. | + | | + | RICH CHANGEABLE SILKS, Light Colors, 24 Inches | + | Wide, $1.75. | + | | + | EXTRA HEAVY PONGE SILKS, ONLY $1.60 per | + | Yard, formerly $2.50. | + | | + | A LARGE ASSORTMENT OF | + | | + | Plain Colored POULTS DE SOIES, TAFFETTAS, | + | FAILLES, &c., &c., | + | | + | Choice Shades of Color. | + | | + | _AN IMMENSE STOCK OF_ | + | | + | BLACK SILKS, | + | | + | At Prices Lower Than Ever. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Ave., 9th and 10th Sts. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +PUNCHINELLO. + +The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly Paper +was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The Press and the Public in +every State and Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper of +the kind ever published in America. + +CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL. + +Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) ............... $4.00 + + " " six months, (without premium,) ............................ 2.00 + + " " three months, " ............................ 1.00 + +Single copies mailed free, for .............................. .10 + +We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S +CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows: + + +A copy of paper for one year, and + +"The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chromo. +Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,) for ...................... $4.00 + + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $3.00 chromos: + +Wild Roses. 12-1/8 x 9. +Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-3/8. +Easter Morning. 6-3/4 x 10-1/4--for ..................... $5.00 + + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $5.00 chromos: + +Group of Chickens; Group of Ducklings: Group of Quails. +Each 10 x 12-1/8. + +The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14 + +The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-3/4 x 13. + +Pointer and Quail: Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12--for ... $6.50 + + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $6.00 chromos: + +The Baby in Trouble; The Unconscious Sleeper; The Two +Friends. (Dog and Child.) Each 13 x 16-1/4. + +Spring; Summer; Autumn; 12-7/8 x 16-1/8. + +The Kid's Play Ground. 11 x 17-1/2--for ................. $7.00 + + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $7.50 chromos: + +Strawberries and Baskets. + +Cherries and Baskets. + +Currants. Each 13 x 18. + +Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4. + +Six Central Park Views. (A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2--for ........... $8.00 + + +A copy of paper for one year and + +Six American Landscapes. (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, +price $9.00--for .............................................. $9.00 + + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the +following $10 chromos: + +Sunset in California. (Bierstadt) 18-1/2 x 12 + +Easter Morning. 14 x 21. + +Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/4 x 16-3/8. + +Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromos,) +15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), for $10.00 + +Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank Checks on New +York, or Registered letters. The paper will be sent from the first +number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise ordered. + +Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents +per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS will be +_mailed free_ on receipt of money. + +CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be given. For +special terms address the Company. + +The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the +paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any +one desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage +stamp. + +Address, + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New York. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Caption: THE COMING MILLENNIUM, +WHEN EVERYTHING IS TO BE CHEAP, AND THE WHITE MAN WILL STARVE.] + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Tourists and leisure Travelers will be find to learn that | + | the Erie Railway Company has prepared | + | | + | COMBINATION EXCURSION OR Round Trip Tickets, | + | | + | Valid during the entire season, and embracing Ithaca-- | + | headwaters of Cayuga Lake--Niagara Falls, Lake Ontario, the | + | River St. Lawrence, Montreal, Quebec, Lake Champlain, Lake | + | George, Saratoga, the White Mountains and all principal | + | points of interest in Northern New York, the Canadas, and | + | New England. Also similar Tickets at reduced rates, through | + | Lake Superior, enabling travelers to visit the celebrated | + | Iron Mountains and Copper Mines of that region. By applying | + | at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. 241, 529 and | + | 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich St.; cor. 125th | + | St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton St., Brooklyn; | + | Depots foot of Chambers Street, and foot of 23rd St., New | + | York; No. 3 Exchange Place, and Long Dock Depot, Jersey | + | City, and the Agents at the principal hotels, travelers can | + | obtain just the Ticket they desire, as well as all the | + | necessary information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "The Printing--House of the United States." | + | | + | | + | GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., | + | | + | General JOB PRINTERS, | + | | + | BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, | + | STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail, | + | LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers. | + | COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, | + | CARD Manufacturers, | + | ENVELOPE Manufacturers. | + | FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. | + | | + | 163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., | + | 73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New York. | + | | + | ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under | + | immediate supervision of the proprietors. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," "Water-Lilies," | + | "Chas. Dickens." PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art and | + | Bookstores throughout the world. PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED | + | CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp. | + | | + | L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs,, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage | + | stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance ....................... $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies .......................................... .10 | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten | + | cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine | + | or paper, price, $2.50, for ................. 5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for.. 7.00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | P. O. Box, 2783. NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | + | | + | The New Burlesque Serial, | + | | + | Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | BY | + | | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, | + | | + | Commenced in No. 11. will be continued weekly throughout the | + | year. | + | | + | A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, | + | with superb illustrations of | + | | + | 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | + | TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY. | + | | + | 2ND. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE taken | + | as he appears "Every Saturday." will also be found in the | + | same number. | + | | + | * * * * * | + | | + | Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from this | + | office, free,) Ten Cents. | + | | + | Subscription for One Year, one copy, with $2 Chromo Premium. | + | $4. | + | | + | * * * * * | + | | + | Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | + | serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | + | receipt weekly. | + | | + | We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one | + | who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | + | receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | P. O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau St., New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +GEO. W, WHEAT & Co, PRINTER, NO. 8 SPRUCE STREET. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 18, July 30, +1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 18 *** + +***** This file should be named 10014-8.txt or 10014-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/0/1/10014/ + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze +and PG Distributed Proofreaders + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use & Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS," WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Each eBook is in a subdirectory of the same number as the eBook's +eBook number, often in several formats including plain vanilla ASCII, +compressed (zipped), HTML and others. + +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks replace the old file and take over +the old filename and etext number. The replaced older file is renamed. +VERSIONS based on separate sources are treated as new eBooks receiving +new filenames and etext numbers. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + +EBooks posted prior to November 2003, with eBook numbers BELOW #10000, +are filed in directories based on their release date. If you want to +download any of these eBooks directly, rather than using the regular +search system you may utilize the following addresses and just +download by the etext year. + + http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/etext06 + + (Or /etext 05, 04, 03, 02, 01, 00, 99, + 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90) + +EBooks posted since November 2003, with etext numbers OVER #10000, are +filed in a different way. The year of a release date is no longer part +of the directory path. The path is based on the etext number (which is +identical to the filename). The path to the file is made up of single +digits corresponding to all but the last digit in the filename. For +example an eBook of filename 10234 would be found at: + + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/2/3/10234 + +or filename 24689 would be found at: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/4/6/8/24689 + +An alternative method of locating eBooks: + https://www.gutenberg.org/GUTINDEX.ALL + + diff --git a/old/10014-8.zip b/old/10014-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4d33622 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10014-8.zip diff --git a/old/10014-h.zip b/old/10014-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..65d9ee7 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10014-h.zip diff --git a/old/10014-h/10014-h.htm b/old/10014-h/10014-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b9baf5d --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10014-h/10014-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,3476 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> + +<html> +<head> + <meta content= + "HTMLTrim (vers 1st October 2003), see http://htmltrim.sourceforge.net" + name="generator"> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content= + "text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> + + <title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of PUNCHINELLO Vol. 1, No. + 18.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + * { font-family: Times;} + HR { width: 33%; } + // --> + </style> +</head> + +<body> + + +<pre> + +Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 18, July 30, 1870, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 18, July 30, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 7, 2003 [EBook #10014] +[Date last updated: October 14, 2005] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 18 *** + + + + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + + + + +</pre> + + <table width="800" border="1" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">CONANT'S</span></p> + + <p>PATENT BINDERS FOR</p> + + <p><big><big><b>"PUNCHINELLO",</b></big></big></p> + + <p>to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent + post-paid, on receipt of One Dollar,</p> + + <p> by</p> + + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,<br></b></p> + + <p><b>83 Nassau Street, New York City.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">J.M. SPRAGUE</p> + + <p>Is the Authorized Agent of</p> + + <p><big><big><b>"PUNCHINELLO"</b></big></big></p> + + <p>For the</p> + + <p><b>New England States,</b></p> + + <p>To Procure Subscriptions,<br> + and to Employ Canvassers.</p> + </center> + </td> + + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HARRISON BRADFORD & + CO.'S</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>STEEL + PENS.</big></big></big></p> + + <p>These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and + cheaper than any other Pen in the market. Special + attention is called to the following grades, as being + better suited for business purposes than any Pen + manufactured. The</p> + + <p><b>"505," "22,"</b> and the + <b>"Anti-Corrosive."</b></p> + + <p>We recommend for bank and office use.</p> + + <p><b>D. APPLETON & CO.,</b> <b><br> + Sole Agents for United States.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + + <table width="800" border="0" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <center> + <br> + <br> + <img src="images/01.jpg" alt=""><br> + + <h1>PUNCHINELLO</h1> + + <h2>Vol. I. No. 18.</h2> + + <p>SATURDAY, JULY 30, 1870.</p><br> + + <h3>PUBLISHED BY THE</h3><br> + + <h3>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</h3><br> + <br> + + <h4>83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.</h4> + </center><br> + <br> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p>See 15th page for Extra Premiums.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table><br> + + <table style= + "width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p>APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN</p> + + <p> + <big><big><big><b>"PUNCHINELLO"</b></big></big></big></p> + + <p>SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">J. NICKINSON,</p> + + <p>Room No. 4,</p> + + <p>83 NASSAU STREET.</p> + </td> + + <td align="center"> + <p><big><b>TO NEWS-DEALER</b>.</big></p> + + <p><b>Punchinello's Monthly</b>.</p> + + <p>The Weekly Numbers for June,</p> + + <p><b>Bound in a Handsome Cover</b>,</p> + + <p>Is now ready. Price Fifty Cents.</p> + + <p>THE TRADE</p> + + <p>Supplied by the</p> + + <p>AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY,</p> + + <p>Who are now prepared to receive Orders.</p> + </td> + + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"> + <p><b>FORST & AVERELL</b></p> + + <p><b>Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Pres</b></p> + + <p><b>PRINTERS</b>,</p> + + <p><b>EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL + MANUFACTURERS</b>.</p><br> + + <p>Sketches and Estimates furnished upon + application.</p><br> + <b>23 Platt Street, and<br> + 20-22 Gold Street</b>,<br> + [P.O. Box 2845.]<br> + NEW YORK.<br> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td rowspan="2" align="center"> + <p>A NEW AND MUCH-NEEDED BOOK.</p> + + <p><big><big><big><b>MATERNITY</b>.</big></big></big></p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">A POPULAR TREATISE</p> + + <p>For Young Wives and Mothers.</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BY T.S. VERDI, A.M., + M.D.,<br> + OF WASHINGTON, D.C.</p><br> + + <p><small>DR. VERDI is a well-known and successful + Homoeopathic Practitioner, of thorough scientific + training and large experience. His book has arisen from a + want felt in his own practice, as a Monitor to Young + Wives, a Guide to Young Mothers, and an assistant to the + family physician. It deals skilfully, sensibly, and + delicately with the perplexities of early married life, + as connected with the holy duties of Maternity, giving + information which women must have, either in conversation + with physicians, or from such a source as + this—evidently the preferable mode of learning, + for a delicate and sensitive woman. Plain and + intelligible, but without offense to the most fastidious + taste, the style of this book must commend it to careful + perusal. It treats of the needs, dangers, and + alleviations of the time of travail; and gives extended + detailed instructions for the care and medical treatment + of infants and children throughout all the perils of + early life.</small></p> + + <p><small>As a Mother's Manual, it will have a large + sale, and as a book of special and reliable information + on very important topics, it will be heartily + welcomed.</small></p> + + <p><small>Handsomely printed on laid paper: bevelled + boards, extra English cloth, 12mo., 450 pages. Price + $2.25</small>.</p> + + <p><i>For sale by all Booksellers, or will be sent + post-paid on receipt of the price by</i></p> + + <p><b>J.B. FORD & CO., Publishers,<br> + 39 Park Row, New York.</b></p> + </td> + + <td rowspan="2" align="center"> + <p>J. NICKINSON</p> + + <p>Begs to announce to the friends of</p> + + <p><b>"PUNCHINELLO,"</b></p> + + <p>residing in the country, that, for their convenience, + he has made arrangements by which, on receipt of the + price of</p> + + <p><b>ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED</b>,</p> + + <p>the same will be forwarded, postage paid.</p> + + <p>Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing + Houses, can have the same forwarded by inclosing two + Stamps.</p> + + <p>OFFICE OF</p> + + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO</b>.,</p> + + <p><b>83 Nassau Street</b>.</p> + + <p>P.O. Box 2783.</p> + </td> + + <td align="center"> + <p><b>DIBBLEEANIA</b></p> + + <p>AND</p> + + <p>Japonica Juice,</p> + + <p><b>FOR THE HAIR</b>.</p> + + <p>The most effective Soothing and Stimulating Compounds + ever offered to the public for the</p> + + <p><b>Removal of Scurf, Dandruff, &c</b>.</p> + + <p>For consultation, apply at</p> + + <p>WILLIAM DIBBLEE'S,</p> + + <p>Ladies' Hair Dresser and Wig Maker.</p> + + <p><b>854 BROADWAY, N.Y. City</b>.</p> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p>FOLEY'S</p> + + <p><b>GOLD PENS</b>.</p> + + <p>THE BEST AND CHEAPEST.</p> + + <p>256 BROADWAY.</p> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td rowspan="4" style="text-align: center; width: 40%;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big><big>What it + is Not!</big></big></big></big></p><br> + The College Courant is NOT<br> + The College Courant is NOT<br> + The College Courant is NOT<br> + The College Courant is NOT<br> + The College Courant is NOT<br> + The College Courant is NOT<br> + The College Courant is NOT<br> + The College Courant is NOT<br> + <br> + + <table> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td><small>Merely a small student's sheet,<br> + Merely of interest to college men,<br> + Merely a COLLEGE paper,<br> + Merely a local paper,<br> + Merely scientific and educational,<br> + An experiment,<br> + Conducted by students,<br> + Stale and dry,</small><br></td> + + <td><small>But is the largest in N.E.<br> + But to every one,<br> + But is a scientific paper,<br> + But is cosmopolitan,<br> + But is literary,<br> + But an established weekly<br> + But by graduates,<br> + But fresh and interesting</small><br></td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table><br> + It circulates in every College.<br> + It circulates in every Professional School.<br> + It circulates in every Preparatory School.<br> + It circulates in every State in the United States.<br> + It circulates in every civilized country.<br> + It circulates among all College men.<br> + It circulates among all Scientific men.<br> + It circulates among the educated everywhere.<br> + <br> + <br> + July 1st a new volume commences.<br> + July 1st 10,000 new subscribers wanted.<br> + July 1st excellent illustrations will appear.<br> + July 1st 10,000 specimen copies to be issued.<br> + July 1st is a good time to subscribe.<br> + July 1st or any time send stamp for a copy.<br> + + <p><b>TERMS</b>:</p>One year, in advance, - - - - - - - - + - - - - - $4.00<br> + Single copies (for sale by all newsdealers), - - .10<br> + <br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Address</span><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>THE COLLEGE + COURANT,</big></big><br> + <br></span> <big><b>New Haven, Conn</b>.</big><br> + </td> + + <td align="center"> + <p><b>NEWS DEALERS</b>.<br> + <small>ON</small><br> + <b>RAILROADS,<br> + STEAMBOATS</b>,<br> + And at <b><br> + WATERING PLACES</b>,</p> + + <p>Will find the Monthly Numbers of</p> + + <p>"<b>PUNCHINELLO</b>"</p> + + <p><small>For April, May, June, and July, an attractive + and Saleable Work.</small></p> + + <p><small>Single Copies<br> + Price 50 cts.</small></p> + + <p><small>For trade price address American News Co., + or</small></p> + + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING & CO.,</b></p> + + <p><b>83 Nassau Street</b>.</p> + </td> + + <td align="center"> + <p><big><big><b><big><big>$2</big></big><br> + to ALBANY and TROY</b>.</big></big></p> + + <p><b>The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and Daniel + Drew</b>, commencing May 31, will leave vestry st. Pier + at 8.45, and Thirty-fourth st. at 9 a.m., landing at + <b>Yonkers, (Nyack, and Tarrytown</b> by ferry-boat), + <b>Cozzens, West Point, Cornwall, Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, + Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill, Hudson, and + New-Baltimore.</b> A special train of broad-gauge cars in + connection with the day boats will leave on arrival at + Albany (commencing June 20) for <b>Sharon Springs</b>. + Fare <b>$4.25</b> from New York and for Cherry Valley. + The Steamboat <b>Seneca</b> will transfer passengers from + Albany to Troy.</p> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>WEVILL & HAMMAR</b>,</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Wood + Engravers,</big></p> + + <p><b>208 Broadway</b>,</p> + + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + + <td align="center"> + <p>ESTABLISHED 1866. JAS R. NICHOLS, M.D. WM. J. ROLFE. + A.M.<br> + Editors</p> + + <p>Boston Journal of Chemistry.</p> + + <p>Devoted to the Science of <b>HOME LIFE</b>, <b>The + Arts, Agriculture, and Medicine</b>. $1.00 Per Year. + <i>Journal and Punchinello (without Premium).</i> + $4.00</p> + + <p>SEND FOR SPECIMEN-COPY Address—JOURNAL OF + CHEMISTRY, <b>150 CONGRESS STREET, BOSTON</b>.</p> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td rowspan="2" align="center"> + <p>Bowling Green Savings-Bank</p> + + <p>33 BROADWAY,</p> + + <p><b>NEW YORK</b>.</p> + + <p>Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M.</p> + + <p><i>Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents to Ten Thousand + Dollars will be received</i>.</p> + + <p><b>Six per Cent interest, Free of Government + Tax</b></p> + + <p>Commences on the First of every Month.</p> + + <p>HENRY SMITH, <i>President</i></p> + + <p>REEVES E. SELMES, <i>Secretary</i>.</p> + + <p>WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, + <i>Vice-Presidents</i>.</p> + </td> + + <td align="center"> + <p><b>HENRY L. STEPHENS</b>,</p> + + <p><b>ARTIST</b>,</p> + + <p><b>No. 160 FULTON STREET</b>,</p> + + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>GEO. B. BOWLEND</b>,</p> + + <p>Draughtsman & Designer</p> + + <p><b>No. 160 Fulton Street</b>,</p> + + <p>Room No. 11,</p> + + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + + <table width="800" align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="text-align: center;"><small>Entered, according + to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the PUNCHINELLO + PUBLISHING COMPANY,<br> + in the Clerk's Office of the District court of the United + States, for the Southern District of New + York.</small></p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">THE</span> <b>MYSTERY OF + MR. E. DROOD.</b><br> + + <p><b>AN ADAPTATION,</b></p> + + <p>BY ORPHEUS C. KERR.</p> + + <p>CHAPTER XII.</p> + + <p>A NIGHT OF IT WITH MCLAUGHLIN.</p> + + <p>Judge SWEENEY, with a certain supercilious + consciousness that he is figuring in a novel, and that it + will not do for him to thwart the eccentricities of + mysterious fiction by any commonplace deference to the + mere meteorological weaknesses of ordinary human nature, + does not allow the fact that late December is a rather + bleak and cold time of year to deter him from taking + daily airings in the neighborhood of the Ritualistic + churchyard. Since the inscription of his epitaph on his + late wife upon her monument therein, the churchyard is to + him a kind of ponderous work of imagination with marble + leaves, to which he has contributed the most brilliant + chapter; and when he sees any stranger hovering about a + part of the outer railings from whence the inscription + may be read, it is with all the swelling pride of an + author who, having procured the publication of some + dreary article in a magazine, is thrown into an ecstacy + of vanity if he sees but one person glance at that number + of the periodical on a news-stand.</p> + + <p>Since his first meeting with Mr. BUMSTEAD, on the + evening of the epitaph-reading, Judge SWEENEY has + cultivated that gentleman's acquaintance, and been + received at his lodgings several times with considerable + cordiality and lemon-tea. On such occasions, Mr. + BUMSTEAD, in his musical capacity, has sung so closely in + Judge SWEENEY'S ear as to tickle him, a wild and slightly + incoherent Ritualistic stave, to the effect that Saint + PETER'S of Rome, with pontifical dome, would by ballot + Infallible be; but for making Call sure, and Election + secure, Saint Repeater's of Rum beats the See. With + finger in ear to allay the tickling sensation, JUDGE + SWEENEY declares that this young man smelling of cloves + is a person of great intellectual attainments, and + understands the political genius of his country well + enough to make an excellent Judge of Election.</p> + + <p>Walking slowly near the churchyard on this particular + freezing December evening, with his hands behind his + bank, and his eyes intent for any envious husband who may + be "with a rush retiring," monumentally counselled, after + reading the Epitaph, Judge SWEENEY suddenly comes upon + Father DEAN conversing with SMYTHE, the sexton, and Mr. + BUMSTEAD. Bowing to these three, who, like himself, seem + to find real luxury in open-air strolling on a bitter + night in midwinter, he notices that his model, the Ritual + Rector, is wearing a new hat, like Cardinal's, only + black, and is immediately lost in wondering where he can + obtain one like it short of Rome.</p> + + <p>"You look so much like an author, Mr. BUMSTEAD, in + having no overcoat, wearing your paper collar upside + down, and carrying a pen behind your ear," Father DEAN is + saying, "that I can almost fancy you are about to write a + book about us. Well, Bumsteadville is just the place to + furnish a nice, dry, inoffensive domestic novel in the + sedative vein."</p> + + <p>After two or three ineffectual efforts to seize the + end of it, which he seems to think is an inch or two + higher than its actual position, Mr. BUMSTEAD finally + withdraws from between his right ear and head a long and + neatly cut hollow straw.</p> + + <p>"This is not a pen, Holy Father," he answers, after a + momentary glance of majestic severity at Mr. SMYTHE, who + has laughed. "It is only a simple instrument which I use, + as a species of syphon, in certain chemical experiments + with sliced tropical fruit and glass-ware. In the + precipitation of lemon-slices into cut crystal, it is + necessary for the liquid medium to be exhausted + gradually; and, after using this cylinder of straw for + the purpose about an hour ago, I must have placed it + behind my ear in a moment of absent-mindedness."</p> + + <p>"Ah, I see," said Father DEAN, although he didn't. + "But what is this, Judge SWEENEY, respecting your + introduction of MCLAUGHLIN to Mr. BUMSTEAD, which I have + heard about?"</p> + + <p>"Why, your Reverence, I consider JOHN MCLAUGHLIN a + Character," responds the Judge, "and thought our young + friend of the organ-loft might like to study him."</p> + + <p>"The truth is," explains Mr. BUMSTEAD, "that Judge + SWEENEY put into my head to do a few pauper graves with + JOHN MCLAUGHLIN, some moonlight night, for the mere + oddity and dampness of the thing.—And I should + regret to believe," added Mr. BUMSTEAD, raising his voice + as saw that the judiciary was about to + interrupt—"And I should really be loathe to + believe that Judge SWEENEY was not perfectly sober when + he did so."</p> + + <p>"Oh, yes—certainly—I + remember—to be sure," exclaims the Judge, in + great haste; alarmed into speedy assent by the + construction which he perceives would be put upon a + denial. "I remember it very distinctly. I remember + putting it into your head—by the tumblerful, if + I remember rightly."</p> + + <p>"Profiting by your advice," continues Mr. BUMSTEAD, + oblivious to the last sentence, I am going out to-night, + in search of the moist and picturesque, with JOHN + MCLAUGHLIN—"</p> + + <p>"Who is here," says Father DEAN.</p> + + <p>OLD MORTARITY, dinner-kettle in hand and more mortary + than ever, indeed seen approaching them with shuffling + gait. Bowing to the Holy Father, he is about to pass on, + when Judge SWEENEY stops him with—</p> + + <p>"You must be very careful with your friend, BUMSTEAD, + this evening, JOHN MCLAUGHLIN, and see that he don't fall + and break his neck."</p> + + <p>"Never you worry about Mr. BUMSTEAD, Judge," growls + OLD MORTARITY. "He can walk further off the perpendicklar + without tumbling than any gentleman I ever see."</p> + + <p>"Of course I can, JOHN MCLAUGHLIN," says Mr. BUMSTEAD, + checking another unseemly laugh of Mr. SMYTHE'S with a + dreadful frown. "I often practice walking sideways, for + the purpose of developing the muscles on that side. The + left side is always the weaker, and the hip a trifle + lower, if one does not counteract the difference by + walking sideways occasionally."</p> + + <p>A great deal of unnecessary coughing, which follows + this physiological exposition, causes Mr. BUMSTEAD to + breathe hard at them all for a moment, and tread with + great malignity upon Mr. SMYTHE'S nearest corn.</p> + + <p>While yet the sexton is groaning, OLD MORTARITY + whispers to the Ritualistic organist that he will be + ready for him at the appointed hour to-night, and + shuffles away. After which Mr. BUMSTEAD, with the I + hollow straw sticking out fiercely from his ear, + privately offers to see Father DEAN home if he feels at + all dizzy; and, being courteously refused, retires down + the turnpike toward his own lodgings with military + precision of step.</p> + + <p>When night falls upon the earth like a drop of ink + upon the word Sun, and the stars glitter like the points + of so many poised gold pens all ready to write the softer + word Moon above the blot, the organist of St. Cow's sits + in his own room, where his fire keeps-up a kind of + aspenish twilight, and executes upon his accordeon a + series of wild and mutilated airs. The moistened towel + which he often wears when at home is turbaned upon his + head, causing him to present a somewhat Turkish + appearance; and as, when turning a particularly + complicated corner in an air, it is his artistic habit to + hold his tongue between his teeth, twist his head in + sympathy with the elaborate fingering, and involuntarily + lift one foot higher and higher from the floor as some + skittish note frantically dodges to evade him, his + general musical aspect at his own hearth is that of a + partially Oriental gentleman, agonizingly laboring to + cast from him some furious animal full of strange sounds. + Thus engaging in desperate single combat with what, for + making a ferocious fight before any recognizable tune can + he rescued from it, is, perhaps, the most exhausting + instrument known to evening amateurs and maddened + neighborhoods, Mr. BUMSTEAD passes three athletic hours. + At the end of that time, after repeatedly tripping-up its + exasperated organist over wrong keys in the last bar, the + accordeon finally relinquishes the concluding note with a + dismal whine of despair, and retires in complete collapse + to its customary place of waiting. Then the conquering + performer changes his towel for a hat which would look + better if it had not been so often worn in bed, places an + antique black bottle in one pocket of his coat and a few + cloves in the other; hangs an unlighted lantern before + him by a cord passing about his neck, and, with his + umbrella under his arm, goes softly down stairs and out + of the house.</p> + + <p>Repairing to the marble-yard and home of OLD + MORTARITY, which are on the outskirts of Bumsteadville, + he wanders through mortar-heaps, monuments brought for + repair, and piles of bricks, toward a whitewashed + residence of small demensions with a light at the + window.</p> + + <p>"JOHN McLAUGHLIN, ahoy!"</p> + + <p>In response, the master of the mansion promptly opens + the door, and it is then perceptible that his basement, + parlor, spare-bedroom and attic are all on one floor, and + that a couple of pigs are spending the season with him. + Showing his visitor into this ingeniously condensed + establishment, he induces the pigs to retire to a corner, + and then dons his hat.</p> + + <p>"Are you ready, JOHN MCLAUGHLIN?"</p> + + <p>"Please the pigs, I am, Mr. BUMSTEAD," answers + MCLAUGHLIN, taking down from a hook a lantern, which, + like his companion's, he hangs from his neck by a cord. + "My spirits is equal to any number of ghosts to-night, + sir, if we meet 'em."</p> + + <p>"Spirits!" ejaculates the Ritualistic organist, + shifting his umbrella for a moment while he hurriedly + draws the antique bottle from his pocket. "You're nervous + to-night, J. MCLAUGHLIN, and need a little of the + venerable JAMES AKER'S West Indian + Restorative.—I'll try it first to make sure + that I haven't mistaken the phial."</p> + + <p>He rests the elongated orifice of the diaphanous flask + upon his lips for a brief interval of critical + inspection, and then applies it thoughtfully to the mouth + of OLD MORTARITY.</p> + + <p>"Some more! Some more!" pleads the aged MCLAUGHLIN, + when the Jamaican nervine is abruptly jerked from his + lips.</p> + + <p>"Silence! Com on," is the stern response of the other, + who, as he moves from the house, and restores the crystal + antiquity to its proper pocket, eats a few cloves by + stealth. His manner plainly shows that he is offended at + the quantity the old man has managed to swallow + already.</p> + + <p>Strange indeed is the ghastly expedition to the place + of skulls, upon which these two go thus by night. Not + strange, perhaps, for Mr. MCLAUGHLIN, whose very youth in + New York, where he was an active politician, found him a + frequent nightly familiar of the Tombs; but strange for + the organist, who, although often grave in his manner, + sepulchral in his tones, and occasionally addicted to + coughin', must be curiously eccentric to wish to pass + into concert that evening with the dead heads.</p> + + <p>Transfixed by his umbrella, which makes him look like + a walking cross between a pair of boots and a hat, Mr. + BUMSTEAD leads the way athwart the turnpike and several + fields, until they have arrived at a low wall skirting + the foot of Gospeler's Gulch. Here they catch sight of + the Reverend OCTAVIUS SIMPSON and MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON + walking together, near the former's house, in the + moonlight, and, instantaneously, Mr. BUMSTEAD opens his + umbrella over the head of OLD MORTARITY, and drags him + down beside himself under it behind the wall.</p> + + <p>"Hallo! What's all this?" gasps Mr. MCLAUGHLIN, + struggling affrightedly in his suffocating cage of + whalebone and alpaca. "What's this here old lady's + hoop-skirt doing on me?"</p> + + <p>"Peace, wriggling dotard!" hisses BUMSTEAD, jamming + the umbrella tighter over him. "If they see us they'll + want some of the West Indian Restorative."</p> + + <p>Mr. SIMPSON and MONTGOMERY have already heard a sound; + for they pause abruptly in their conversation, and the + latter asks: "Could it have been a ghost?"</p> + + <p>"Ask it if it's a ghost," whispers the Gospeler, + involuntarily crossing himself.</p> + + <p>"Are you there, Mr. G.?" quavers the raised voice of + the young Southerner, respectfully addressing the inquiry + to the stone wall.</p> + + <p>No answer.</p> + + <p>"Well," mutters the Gospeler, "it couldn't have been a + ghost, after all; but I certainly thought I saw an + umbrella. To conclude what I was saying, + then,—I have the confidence in you, Mr. + MONTGOMERY, to believe that you will attend the dinner of + Reconciliation on Christmas eve, as you have + promised."</p> + + <p>"Depend on me, sir."</p> + + <p>"I shall; and have become surety for your punctuality + to that excellent and unselfish healer of youthful + wounds, Mr. BUMSTEAD."</p> + + <p>More is said after this; but the speakers have + strolled to the other side of the Gospeler's house, and + their words cannot be distinguished Mr. BUMSTEAD closes + his umbrella with such suddenness and violence as to + nearly pull off the head of MCLAUGHLIN; drives his own + hat further upon his nose with a sounding blow; takes + several wild swallows from his antique flask; eats two + cloves, and chuckles hoarsely to himself for some + minutes. "Here, 'JOHN MCLAUGHLIN," he says, at last "try + a little more West Indian Restorative, and then we'll go + and do a few skeletons."</p> + + <p>(<i>To be Continued</i>.)</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>What is Likely to be Raised some day, regarding the + Pneumatic Tunnel</b>.</p> + + <p>TUBAL. CAIN.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <center> + <img src="images/04.jpg" alt= + "PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE."> + </center><br> + + <p><b>ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS</b>.</p> + + <p>In order to make this department of PUNCHINELLO as + complete as possible, we have secured the services of the + most competent authorities in literature, art, the + sciences in general, history, biography, and the vast + vague unknown. The answers furnished by us to our + correspondents may therefore be relied upon as being + strictly accurate.</p><span style= + "margin-left: 2em;"><i>Scales</i>.—How old was + DANIEL LAMBERT at the time of his death?</span><br> + + <p><i>Answer</i>.—736 lbs.</p><span style= + "margin-left: 2em;"><i>Ignoramus</i>.—Why were + the Roman <i>Saturnalia</i> so called?</span><br> + + <p><i>Answer</i>.—The proper spelling of the + word is <i>Sauternalia</i>. They were wine feasts; and + the vintage most in favor at them was Haut + Sauterne.</p><span style= + "margin-left: 2em;"><i>Chasseur</i>. Is the antelope to + be classed among the goat family?</span><br> + + <p><i>Answer</i>.—No. MOORE calls it a "deer + gazelle."</p><span style= + "margin-left: 2em;"><i>Armiger</i>.—Is "arm's + length" a recognized measure?</span><br> + + <p><i>Answer</i>.—Yes. It is a <i>Standard</i> + measure, as may be seen in the way that journal is + getting ahead of the <i>Sun</i>, which it keeps at arm's + length.</p><span style= + "margin-left: 2em;"><i>Molar</i>.—Yes; burnt + Cork is an excellent dentifrice. It should not</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">be applied to the teeth + of children, however, as it is apt to impart + an</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">Irish accent, or, in + extreme cases, even a negro dialect.<br> + <br></span> <span style= + "margin-left: 2em;"><i>Bookworm</i>.—Do two + negatives always constitute an affirmative?</span><br> + + <p><i>Answer</i>.—That depends upon the price + charged by the photographer.</p><span style= + "margin-left: 2em;"><i>Sunswick</i>—Is it true + that JAMES FISK, Jr., has purchased Baden and</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">another German + Duchy?</span><br> + + <p><i>Answer</i>.—No: but he could have both if + he wanted two.</p><span style= + "margin-left: 2em;"><i>Rockland</i>.—Who are + the suffering persons represented in DORE'S</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">remarkable picture of + DANTE and VIRGIL visiting the frozen ward of + the</span><br> + <span style= + "margin-left: 2em;"><i>Inferno</i>?</span><br> + + <p><i>Answer</i>.—The Knickerbocker Ice + Company.</p><span style= + "margin-left: 2em;"><i>Solitaire</i>.—On what + day did the Fourth of July fall in the year + 1788?</span><br> + + <p><i>Answer</i>.—On the + Fourth.</p><span style="margin-left: 2em;"><i>James + Lobbs</i>.—How long ago is it since desiccated + soup first came</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">into use?</span><br> + + <p><i>Answer</i>.—At least as long ago as the + days of CROMWELL, whose advice to his troops was "Put + your trust in Providence, and keep your chowder + dry."</p><span style= + "margin-left: 2em;"><i>Bach</i>.—Is the + practice of divorce a mark of civilization?</span><br> + + <p><i>Answer</i>—It is. In the Gorilla family, + (the nearest approach to the human,) divorce is not + practiced, but it is in Indiana, which is usually + considered to be a State of Civilization.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>PAT TO THE QUESTION</b>.</p> + + <p>Our law-makers in Congress—or rather + law-cobblers, for few of them have risen to the dignity + of makers—are asked to repeal the <i>per + cap</i>. duty imposed by California on all Chinamen + imported there.</p> + + <p>The Californians have the authority of Congress + itself, for this duty. By reference to "HEYL'S Rates of + Duties on Imports," page 36, art. 691, under head of "Act + of June 30, 1864, chap. 171," "An act to increase Duties + on Imports," etc., we find "on paddy one cent and a half + per pound." Now if a good-sized Irishman pays $2.25, why + shouldn't a "Celestial" pay as much in proportion to the + weight of his <i>corpus</i>?</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Contradictory</span><br> + + <p>It appears that, by a joint resolution of Congress, + the use of "that first-class humbug and fraud, the + whiskey meter," has been abolished. Now there are dozens + of members of Congress who are not only "first-class + humbugs and frauds," but whiskey meters, to whom whiskey + is both meat and drink, and yet who ever heard of their + proposing to abolish themselves?</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <center> + <img src="images/05.jpg" alt=""> + + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">STAY-AT-HOME + PEOPLE</span></p> + + <p>FOLKS MAY NOT BE ABLE TO GO TO NEWPORT OR LONG + BRANCH, BUT THEY CAN ALWAYS CREATE A LOCAL SENSATION BY + TAKING A FOOT-BATH IN THE BACK-YARD.</p> + </center><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>MURPHY THE CONQUEROR</b></p> + + <p>BY CORPORAL QUINN.</p><span style= + "margin-left: 0.5em;">Come tip us your fist, then, yer + sowl you;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Since iver I come from + the wars</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">The like wasn't heerd. + Fill the bowl you</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Bowld sons of MILESIUS + and MARS;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">And dhrink to ould + Ireland the turfy</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">That's shmilin' out there + in the say,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Wid three cheers for + the conqueror MURPHY.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Whoo! America's ours from + to-day.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Och! SAYZAR he walloped + the Briton,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The Tarthars leap't + China's big wall,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">ALEXANDTHUR did half + the wurld sit on,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">But niver touched Ireland + at all.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">At Clontarf ould BOBU + in the surf he</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Sint tumblin' the + murdtherin' Danes—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">But, yer sowl, the + brave conqueror MURPHY</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Takes the shine out of + all of their panes.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">ULYSSES has made him + Collecthor,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">(Sich choppin' o' heads + ne'er was seen;)</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Sure the hayro will + make me Inspecthor</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Whin there's so many + "wigs on the green."</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">And we'll be + night-watchmen uproarious,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Wid big badges on our + coats,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">And we'll fight for TOM + MURPHY the glorious,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Wid our fists, our guns, + and our votes.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">At the Custom House, + Dutchman and Yankee</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Are thryin' to talk wid a + brogue,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">They're all + <i>Irish</i>, now—fat, lean, or + lanky,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And green are the + neckties in vogue.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">They're thracin' + themselves to some DURPHY,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">O'NEILL, or McCANN, or + O'TAAFFE,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">I'll go bail the bowld + conqueror MURPHY</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">'S too owld to be caught + wid sich chaff.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Now Dutchmin may go to + the divil,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And Yankees to Plymouth's + ould rock,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">We'll blast it, if they + are not civil;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">While boys of the raal + ould stock</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Will hurroo for ould + Ireland the turfy.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Whoo! Jibralthar is taken + to-day,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Our commandther's the + conqueror MURPHY—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Now a tiger and nine + times hoorray!</span><br> + <br> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>COMIC ZOOLOGY.</b></p> + + <p><b>Genus Culex.—The American + Mosquito</b></p> + + <p>Few American birds are better known than the mosquito. + In common with the woodcock, snipe, and other winged + succubi, it breeds in wet places, yet is always dry. Like + them it can sustain life on mud juleps, but prefers + "cluret." It is a familiar creature, seems to regard the + human family as its Blood relations, and is always ready + to sucker them.</p> + + <p>Being a bird of Nocturnal Habits, it is particularly + attracted to human beings in their Night-shirts. The + swallow preys upon it, but it generally eludes the Bat. + Although it cannot be called Noctilucous, like the + lightning bug, it has no objection to alight in the + darkness, and you often knock till you cuss in your vain + attempts to prevent its taking a Shine to you.</p> + + <p>The mosquito differs in most respects from all the + larger varieties of the winged tribes, and upon the whole + takes after man more than any other living thing. + Nevertheless, it certainly bears a noticeable resemblance + to some of the feathered race. Like the Nightingale, it + "sings darkling," and like the woodpecker, is much + addicted to tapping the bark of Limbs and Trunks for the + purpose of obtaining grub. It may be mentioned as an + amiable idiosyncracy of the mosquito, that it is fond of + babies. If there is a child in the house, it is sure to + spot the playful innocent; and by means of an ingenious + contrivance combining the principles of the gimlet and + the air-pump, it soon relieves the little human bud of + its superfluous juices. It is, in fact, a born surgeon, a + Sangrado of the Air, and rivals that celebrated Spanish + Leech in its fondness for phlebotomy. Some infidels, who + do not subscribe to the doctrine that nothing was made in + vain, consider it an unmitigated nuisance, but the devout + and thoughtful Christian recognizes it as Nature's + preventive of plethora, and as it alternately breathes a + Vein and a song, it may be said (though we never heard + the remark,) to combine the <i>utile</i> with the + <i>dulce</i>.</p> + + <p>All the members of the genus are slender and graceful + in their shape and Gnatty in their general appearance. + The common mosquito is remarkable for its strong + attachments. It follows man with more than canine + fidelity, and in some cases, the dog-like pertinacity of + its affection can only be restrained by Muslin. It is of + a roving disposition, seldom remaining settled long in + one locality; and is Epicurean in its + tastes—always living, if possible, on the fat + of the land. As the mosquito produces no honey, mankind + in general are not as sweet upon it as they are upon that + bigger hum-bug, the buzzy bee; yet it is so far akin to + the bee, that, wherever it forages, it produces something + closely resembling Hives.</p> + + <p>Few varieties of game are hunted more industriously + than this, yet such is the fecundity of the species, that + the Sportsman's Club has not as yet thought it necessary + to petition the legislature for its protection.</p> + + <p>The New Jersey Mosquito is the largest known specimen + of the genus, except the Southern Gallinipper, which is + only a few sizes smaller than the Virginia Nightingale, + and raises large speckles similar to those of the Thrush. + Ornithologists who wish to study the habits of the + mosquito in its undomesticated or nomad state, may find + it in angry clouds on the surface of the New Jersey salt + marshes at this season, in company with its teetering + long-billed Congener, the Sandsnipe.</p> + + <p>During the last month of summer it reigns supreme in + the swamps west of Hoboken, the August Emperor of all the + Rushes, and persons of an apoplectic turn, who wish to + have their surplus blood determined to the surface + instead of to the head, will do well to seek the hygienic + insect there.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>An Apt Quotation.</b></p> + + <p>The name "Louvre" has now been adopted by several + places of entertainment in New York and its suburbs. A + Boston gentleman, who visited seven of them a night or + two since, under the escort of a policeman, declares + that, by a slight alteration of a line of MOORE's, New + York may be well described as—</p> + + <p>"A place for Louvres, and for Louvres only."</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>THE WATERING PLACES</b>.</p> + + <p><b>Punchinello's Vacations</b>.</p> + + <p>Mr. PUNCHINELLO puts up at the Atlantic Hotel when he + goes to Cape May; and if you were to ask him why, he + would tell you that it was on account of the admirable + water-punches which JOHN McMAKIN serves up. To be sure + these mixtures do not agree with Mr. P., but he likes to + see people enjoying themselves, even if he can't do it + himself. It is this unselfish disposition, this love of + his fellow-men, that enables him to maintain that + constant good humor so requisite to his calling. In fact, + though Mr. P. often says sharp things, he never gets + angry. When, on Thursday of last week, he was walking + down the south side of Jackson street, and a man asked + him did he want to buy a bag, Mr. P. was not enraged. He + knew the man took him for a greenhorn, but then the man + himself was a Jerseyman. It is no shame to be a greenhorn + to a Jerseyman. Quite the reverse. Mr. P. would blush if + he thought there lived a "sand-Spaniard" who could not + take advantage of him. So Mr. P. bought the bag, and + because it was made of very durable canvas, and would + last a great while, he paid a dollar for it.</p> + + <p>He did not ask what it was for. He knew. It was to put + Cape May Diamonds in! He put the bag in his pocket and + walked along the beach for three miles. You can't walk + more than three miles here, and if you hire a carriage + you will find that you can't ride less than that + distance. Which makes it bad, sometimes. However, when + Mr. P. had finished his three miles, he didn't want to go + any further. He stopped, and gazing carelessly around to + see that no one noticed him, pulled out his canvas bag + and did shuffle a little in the sand with his feet. He + <span style="font-style: italic;">might</span> find some + diamonds, you know, just as likely as any of the hundreds + of other people, who, in other sequestered parts of the + beach, were pulling out other canvas bags, and shuffling + in the sand with other feet. At length Mr. P. shuffled + himself into a very sequestered nook indeed, and there he + saw a man smoking. His melancholy little boy was sitting + by his side. Perceiving that it was only General GRANT, + Mr. P. advanced with his usual grace and suavity of + manner.</p> + + <p>"Why, Mr. President!" said he, "I thought you would be + found at Long Branch this season."</p> + + <p>"Long—thunder!" ejaculated the General, his + face as black as the ace of spades, (which, by the way, + is blue.) "I might go to Nova Zembla for a quiet smoke, + and some sneaking politician would crawl out from the ice + with a petition. I went fishing in Pennsylvania, and I + found twenty of those fellows to every trout. However, I + don't mind you. Take a seat and have a cigar."</p> + + <center> + <img src="images/06a.jpg" alt=""> + </center> + + <p>Mr. P. took the seat, (which was nothing to brag of,) + and a cigar, (which would have been a great deal to brag + of, if he had succeeded in smoking it,) and, after a + whiff or two, asked his companion how it was that he came + to send such a message to Congress about Cuba.</p> + + <p>"What message?" said GRANT, absently.</p> + + <p>Mr. P. explained.</p> + + <p>"Oh," said GRANT, "that one! Didn't you like it? CALEB + CUSHING wrote it and brought it to me, and I signed it. + If you had written one and brought it to me, I would have + signed that. 'Tisn't my fault if the thing's wrong. What + would you expect of a man?"</p> + + <p>Mr. P. concluded that in this case it was ridiculous + to expect anything else, and so he changed the + subject.</p> + + <p>That afternoon Mr. P. bathed.</p> + + <p>He went to SLOAN'S and fitted himself out in a bathing + suit, and very lovely he looked in it, when he emerged + from the bathing house at high tide. With a red tunic; + green pants; and a very yellow hat, he resembled a + frog-legged Garibaldian, ready for the harvest.</p> + + <p>When he hurried to the water's edge, he hesitated for + a moment. The roaring surf was so full of heads, legs, + arms, back-hair, hats and feet, that he feared there was + no room for him. However, he espied a vacancy, and + plunged into the briny deep.</p> + + <p>How delicious! How cool! How fresh! How salt! How + splendid!</p> + + <p>He struck out with his legs; he struck out with his + arms; he dived with his whole body. He skimmed beneath + the green waters; he floated on the rolling wave-tips; he + trod water; he turned heels over head in the emerald + depths; and thus, gamboling like an Infant Triton, he + passed out beyond the breakers. It was very pleasant + there. Being a little tired, he found the change from the + surging waves to the gentle chuck and flop of the deep + water, most delightful. Languidly, to rest himself, he + threw his arm over a rock just peeping above the water. + But the rock gave a start and a yawn.</p> + + <p>It was a sleeping shark!</p> + + <p>The startled fish opened his eyes to their roundest, + and backed water.</p> + + <p>So did Mr. P.</p> + + <p>For an instant they gazed at each other in utter + surprise. Then the shark began slowly to sink. Mr. P. + knew what that meant. The monster was striving to get + beneath him for the fatal snap!</p> + + <p>Mr. P. sank with him!</p> + + <p>With admirable presence of mind he kept exactly even + with the fish.</p> + + <center> + <img src="images/06b.jpg" alt=""> + </center> + + <p>At last they reached the bottom.</p> + + <p>Mr. P. was nearly suffocated, but he determined that + he would strangle rather than rise first. The shark + endeavored to crawl under him, but Mr. P. clung to the + bottom.</p> + + <p>The fish then made a feint of rising, but, in an + instant, Mr. P. had him around the waist!</p> + + <p>The affrighted shark darted to the surface, and Mr. P. + inhaled at least a gallon of fresh air. Never before had + oxygen tasted so good!</p> + + <p>On the surface the struggle was renewed, but Mr. P. + always kept undermost.</p> + + <p>At last they rested from the contest, and lay panting + on the surface of the water, glaring at each other.</p> + + <p>The shark, who was a master of <i>finesse</i>, swam + out a little way, to where the water was deeper, and then + slowly sank, intending, if Mr. P. followed him again to + the bottom, to stay there long enough to drown the + unfortunate man. But Mr. P. knew a trick worth two of + that.</p> + + <p><i>He didn't follow him at all</i>! He swam towards + shore as fast as he could, and when the shark looked + around, to see if he was coming, he was safe within the + line of surf.</p> + + <p>Need it be said that when he reached dry laud, Mr. P. + became a hero with the crowds who had witnessed this + heroic struggle?</p> + + <p>That evening, as Mr. P. sat upon the portico of his + hotel, there came unto him, in the moonlight, a maiden of + the latest fashion.</p> + + <p>"Sir," she softly murmured "are you the noble hero who + overcame the shark?"</p> + + <p>Mr. P. looked up at her.</p> + + <p>Her soft eyes were dimmed with irresponsible + emotion.</p> + + <p>"I am," said he.</p> + + <p>The maiden stood motionless. Her whole frame was + agitated by a secret struggle.</p> + + <p>At length she spoke.</p> + + <p>"Is there a Mrs. P.?" she softly said.</p> + + <p>Mr. P. arose. He grasped the back of his chair with + trembling hand. His manly form quivered with a secret + struggle.</p> + + <p>He looked upon her!</p> + + <p>He gazed for a moment, with glowing, passionate eyes, + upon that matchless form—upon that angelic + face, and then—he clasped his brows in hopeless + agony. Stepping back, he gave the maiden one glance of + wildest love, followed by another of bitterest despair; + and sank helpless into his chair.</p> + + <center> + <img src="images/07a.jpg" alt=""> + </center> + + <p>The maiden leaned, pale and trembling, against a + pillar; but hearing the approach of intruders, she + recovered herself with an effort.</p> + + <p>"Farewell," she whispered. "I know! I know! There + <i>is</i> a Mrs. P.!"—and she was gone.</p> + + <p>Mr. P. arose and slipped out into the night, shaken by + a secret struggle. He laid upon the sand and kicked up + his heels.</p> + + <p><i>There isn't any</i> Mrs. P.!</p> + + <p>Mr. P. does not wish to sweep his hand rudely o'er the + tender chords of any heart, but he wants it known that he + is neither to be snapped up by sharks in the sea, or by + young women at watering places.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>A DOG'S TALE</b>.</p> + + <p><b>Dogmatic</b>.</p> + + <p>I am only a dog, I admit; but do you suppose dogs have + no feeling? I guess if you were kicked out of every + door-way you ran into, and driven away from every meat + stand or grocery you happened to smell around, you would + think you had feelings.</p> + + <p>When I see some dogs riding in carriages, looking so + grandly out of the windows, or others walking along + proudly by the side of their owners, I have a feeling of + dislike for the very thought of liberty!</p> + + <p>I sometimes go with the crowd to a lecture-room, and + listen to the speeches about freedom and liberty, the + hatred of bondage, and all that sort of thing. I get my + tail up, and wish I could tell them what liberty really + is. There is nothing worse in the world than this running + around loose, with no one to look after you, and no one + for you to look after; no one to notice you when you wag + your tail, and to have no occasion for so doing. You go + out and you come in, and nobody cares. If you never come + back, no one troubles himself about you.</p> + + <p>Every day I hear men reading in the papers about some + lucky dogs having strayed, or having been stolen, a large + reward being offered for their recovery: and I envy each + lost dog! I wonder who would advertise for me if I got + lost! Alas! no one. They would not give me a bone to + bring me back, or to keep me from drowning myself. But + every boy in the street thinks he has a right to throw + stones at me; and tie tin-kettles to my tail; and chase + me when I have had the good luck to find a bone; and to + set big dogs upon me to worry me when I am faint from + hunger and haven't much pluck; and worse than all, chase + me and cry "Ki-yi," when I am almost dying of thirst!</p> + + <p>If you only knew how hard it is for a poor dog to make + his way in the world, with no one to help him to a + mouthful of food, you would feel sorry for us.</p> + + <p>But I think we might get along better if it wasn't for + the scarcity of water. I hardly know a spot in the city + where I can get a drink; and many a time I have gone all + day without a drop.</p> + + <p>If I happen to hang out my tongue and droop my tail, + my ears are saluted with "Mad dog! Let's kill him!" You + need not wonder I sometimes turn round, and snap at my + pursuers. I think you would snap, too, if you were chased + through street and lane and alley, till your blood was in + a perfect fever, and you hardly knew which way you were + running! I have, on many such occasions, actually run + past a beautiful bone that lay handy on the side-walk, + and never stopped to smell it.</p> + + <p>Oh! I wish some one would take me prisoner, and + continue to own me, and keep me in bondage as long as I + lived! I should only be too happy to give up my liberty, + and settle down and be a respectable dog!</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>A Bute-Iful Idea</b>.</p> + + <p>The Marquis of Bute denies that he is going to return + to the Protestant fold. With reference to the rumor, the + Pope stated in the Ecumenical Council that "the Bute was + on the right leg at last, and that he would launch his + thunder against him who should dare that Bute + displace."</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>WHAT IS IT</b>?</p> + + <p>As the shades of night descend (in the neighborhood of + Mecklenburg, N.C.,) and harmless domestic animals begin + to compose themselves to sleep, suddenly the drowsy world + is awakened by a roaring like that of a lion! It proceeds + from the forest, in whose bosky recesses (as the + Mecklenburgers suppose) some terrible creature proclaims + his hunger and his inclination to appease it with human + flesh! All night long the quaking denizens of that hamlet + lie and listen to the roaring, which is an effectual + preventive of drowsiness, as the moment any one begins to + be seized with it he also begins to fancy he is about to + be seized and deglutinated by the horrid monster! + Naturalists are positive it is not the Gyascutis, but + admit that a Megatherium may have lately awakened from + the magnetic sleep of ages, with the pangs of a mighty + hunger tearing his wasted viscera.</p> + + <p>If our theory is correct, the good people of + Mecklenburg (was it not in Mecklenburg that the agitation + for Independence began?) may be assured that deliverance + from this unreasonable Dragon is possible. We think it + more than likely that it is simply GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN + practicing for the next invasion of Great Britain. + Nothing could be more harmless. One Ku-Kluxian youth, + armed with a double-barrelled shot-gun, four + bowie-knives, and a number of revolvers, could rout him + instantly, and even check the flow of his vociferous + eloquence so suddenly as to put him in imminent danger of + asphyxia.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <center> + <img src="images/07b.jpg" alt=""> + + <p><b>RETRIBUTION</b>.</p> + + <p>THE BOYS OF SAN FRANCISCO, EXASPERATED AT THE + CONVERSION OF THEIR DOGS INTO PIE, TIE KETTLES TO THE + TAILS OF THE CHINAMEN.</p> + </center><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>Giving the Cue</b>.</p> + + <p>"Is that one of your Chinese <i>belles</i>? asked Mr. + PUNCHINELLO of Mr. KOOPMAN-SCHOOP, as one of the + newly-imported yallagals passed.</p> + + <p>"Yes," replied Mr. K. "You can always tell a Chinese + bell from a Chinese gong by the bell-pull attached to + it."</p> + + <p>Mr. P. immediately presented his <i>chapeau</i> to Mr. + K.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>HINTS FOR—THOSE WHO WILL TAKE + THEM</b>.</p> + + <p>Mr. PUNCHINELLO: Your invaluable "Hints for the + Family," published some time since, seem destined to work + a revolution in our domestic economy; as the plans you + propose must win the admiration of housekeepers by their + extreme simplicity, aside from any other motives to their + adoption. I have myself tested several of your methods, + and find that you speak from thorough and circumstantial + knowledge of your subject In bread-making, for instance, + we find that when the cat reposes in the dough, it (the + dough) will not rise, though the cat does. But in the + clock manufacture, we fear you have divulged one of the + secrets of the trade.</p> + + <p>Your little invention for carrying a thread should be + recommended to students and other isolated beings, + notwithstanding their unaccountable propensity to pierce + other substances than the cloth. They would find driving + the needle through much facilitated by a skilful use of + the table formerly described.</p> + + <p>Permit me to make a few additional suggestions.</p> + + <p>Get some worsted and a pair of needles; set up from + twenty to forty stitches, more or less, and knit till you + are tired. When finished—(the + knitting)—draw out the needles and bite off the + thread. You will thus have made an elegant lamp-mat, of + the same color as the worsted, and the very thing for a + Christmas present to your grandmother.</p> + + <p>This is a very graceful employment, and a great + favorite with ladies; in fact, some ladies seem so + infatuated with work of that kind, that, according to the + new theory of the Future, a fruition of fancy-work will + be amongst their other blissful realizations. And so, + after surveying Deacon QUIRK'S spiritual potato fields, + or perhaps some fresh (spiritual) manifestation of Miss + PHELPS'S piety and intelligence, we may have the pleasure + of seeing the sun and moon hung with tidies, and a + lamp-mat under each star.</p> + + <p>Take your rejected sketches and compositions, cut them + in strips two or three inches wide, and as long as the + paper will permit. Fold these strips lengthwise as narrow + as possible, and smooth the edges down flat with your + finger. When finished, or perhaps before, you will find + you have made a bunch of excellent lamp-lighters.</p> + + <p>Get a suit of clothes—broadcloth is the + best—and a pair of boots to stand them in. + Button the coat, and insert in the neck any vegetable you + choose, so that it be large enough, (one of the drum-head + species is the best,) and finish with a hat You will then + find, doubtless to your surprise and delight, that you + have <b>a man</b>, or an excellent substitute for one, + equal, if not superior to the genuine article, warranted + to be always pleased with his dinner, and never, + necessarily, in the way. Some people may object to its + lack of intelligence, as compared with the original, but + careful investigation has shown that the difference is + very slight; yet, admitting even this to be a positive + fault, it is amply counterbalanced by negative merits. + Your correspondent who writes about "The Real Estate of + Woman," will be relieved to find that the threatened + dearth in husbands can be so readily obviated.</p> + + <p>Very truly,</p> + + <p>ANN O. BLUE.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>For Singers, Only</b>.</p> + + <p>What is the best wine for the voice?</p> + + <p>Canary.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>A Chop-House Aphorism</b>.</p> + + <p>Customers who fee waiters may always be sure of their + Feed.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>Washy</b>.</p> + + <p>The daily papers tell us that "Sixty-Eight Thousand + persons visited the public baths during last week."</p> + + <p>They went in—a week lot—and came + out sixty-eight thousand strong.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>Constructive Genius</b>.</p> + + <p>"A poor woman in Utica, who owns three houses and is + building another, sends her children into the streets + daily to beg."</p> + + <p>Quite right. While the youngsters beg in the streets, + let the enterprising old lady go on and begin another + house.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>A Result of the Mongol</b>.</p> + + <p>Owing to the influx of Chinamen into this country, the + edict against allowing dogs to run at large during the + Summer has been relaxed.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <center> + <img src="images/08.jpg" alt=""> + + <p><b>BOMBASTES BONAPARTE</b>:</p> + + <p>NOW PERFORMING AT THE THEATRE FRANCAIS.</p>"He who + would these Boots displace<br> + Must meet BOMBASTES face to face." + </center><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <center> + <img src="images/09.jpg" alt=""> + + <p><b>THE NEW PANDORA'S BOX</b>.</p> + + <p>REPRESENTATIVE MANUFACTURER, (<i>springing open + Chinese surprise + box</i>.)—"THERE!—WHAT DO YOU THINK + OF THAT LITTLE JOKER?"</p> + + <p>KNIGHT OF ST. CRISPIN.—"PSHAW! THAT'S A + MEAN TRICK: WAIT TILL I OPEN <i>MY</i> BOX!"</p> + </center><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>HIRAM GREEN ON THE CHINESE</b>.</p> + + <p><b>He write a letter to the North Adams Shoe + Manufacturer.—New Occupation for the "Coming + Man</b>."</p><br> + + <p> NSBORO, NYE ONTO VARMONT, <i>July the + 11th</i>, 18-<i>Seventy</i>.</p> + + <p>MISTER SAMPSON:</p> + + <p>Selestial sir:—I take my goose quil in hand + to rite you a letter. I like your stile—you + soot me. I myself have been an old Statesman, having + served my country for 4 years as Gustise of the Peece, + raisin' sed offis to a higher standard than usual, as + well as raisin' an interestin' family of eleven healthy + children. Upon the linements of their countenance the + features and stamp of GREEN stands out in bold relief. + They are all genuine Green-bax.</p> + + <p>A little cloud no bigger than a man's hand made its + appearance over the golden streets of San Francisco.</p> + + <p>It is growin' bigger, and afore we know it, will be + bigger than a white elefant.</p> + + <p>You have ceased the dilemer by the horn which hangs + suspended from the dilemer's head, like the tail of a + kite.</p> + + <p>While you have set the Chinees peggin' away puttin' + bottoms on shoes, a great many are peggin' away "putin' a + head onto you."</p> + + <p>In the present statis of things you want to blow up + your nerve, and stand as firm as the rox of Jiberalter, + and like BYRON exclaim:</p><span style= + "margin-left: 0.5em;">"To be or not to be, there's the + question;—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Whether a man feels + better to pay big wages for shoemakers,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Or to suffer the slings + and arrows of everybody,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">By hirin' Pig-tails for + 1/2 price?"</span><br> + + <p>Poleticians of the different churches don't endorse + our Selestial brother. But, sir, I'll venter a few + dollars, that if the children of the son—and + dorter—leaned towards either party, he would be + gobled up quicker'n scat, even if he come red hot from + old LUCIFER, with a pocket full of free passes, for the + whole nashun, to the Infernal regions.</p> + + <p>That's so. A vote's a vote, if it comes from + Greenland's coral strand or Afric's icy mountains. I feel + a good deal towards you as a nabor of mine, named JOE + BELCHER, once did.</p> + + <p>JOE likes his tod, and can punish as much gin and + tansy as a New York alderman can, when drinkin' at the + sity's expense.</p> + + <p>JOE went to camp meetin' last week, and, I am pained + to say it, JOSEF got drunker than a biled owl.</p> + + <p>While one of the brethern was preachin', JOE sot on a + pine log tryin' to make out wether the preacher was a + double-headed man, or whether 2 men were holdin' + forth.</p> + + <p>"Who'll stand up for the carpenter's Son?" sed the + preacher.</p> + + <p>This made JOE look around.</p> + + <p>The question was again repeated.</p> + + <p>Again JOE looked around for an answer.</p> + + <p>Again the preacher said: "Who'll stand up for + Him?"</p> + + <p>JOE by this time had got onto his feet, and was + steadyin' himself by holdin' onto a tree, while he sung + out:</p> + + <p>"I say (hic!) ole feller, Ile stand up (hic!) for him, + or any 'orrer man who hain't got any (hic!) more fren's + than he has (hic!) in this 'ere crowd."</p> + + <p>I feel a good deal as JOE did. Anybody who hain't got + any more frends than you have, Mr. SAMPSON, has my + sympathy.</p> + + <p>For bringin' these <i>hily morril</i> and + <i>refined</i> Monongohelians to Massachusetts is a big + feather in your cap, and you will receive your reward + bime-bye.</p> + + <p>"The wages of sin is death."</p> + + <p>But the wages of a Chinyman is money in a man's + pocket. They work cheap.</p> + + <p>I am trying to get the Chinese substituted for canal + hosses.</p> + + <p>A man here by the name of SNYDER, who runs a canal + Hoss to our Co., talks of sendin' for a lot.</p> + + <p>Won't they be bang up with their cues hitcht to a + canal bote snakin' it along at the rate of a mile inside + of 2 hours. "G'lang! Tea leaf."</p> + + <p>Then when they was restin' from their labors, by tyin' + 2 of 'em together by their cues, stand one opposite the + other and hang close between 'em to dry, on washin' + day.</p> + + <p>What an aristocratic thing Chiny close-line posts + would be. The only drawback that I know of is, that the + confounded posts mite some day walk off with all the + close.</p> + + <p>But, sir, if they served me in that manner, I would + cover the ground with broken crockery by smashin' their + old Chiny mugs for 'em.</p> + + <p>Since you've awoken to <i>notorosity</i>, I have been + studdyin' out your family pedigree.</p> + + <p>I find your Antsisters are connected with long hair + more or less, same as you be with Chiny pig-tails.</p> + + <p>Old SAMPSON the first's strength, like your'n of + to-day, lade in his long hair.</p> + + <p>He could cut off more heads, and slay more Fillistians + with the jaw bone of a member of Congress than the + President of these U.S. can by makin' a new deal in the + Custom house department.</p> + + <p>And, sir, I reckon about these days, we are getting + rather more of that same kind of jaw bone than is + healthy.</p> + + <p>I am afrade not.</p> + + <p>Mrs. SAMPSON worked like a kag of apple sass in hot + weather, to find out where her old man's strength was. + When she found out, what did she do? Why, she got a pair + of sheep shears and cropped him closer'n a state prison + bird, and tryin' to lift a house full of fokes, it fell + onto him and smashed him.</p> + + <p>Like LOT'S wife, she'd orter been turned into a pillow + of salt, and then the pillow had orter been sewed up and + cast into the sea.</p> + + <p>Another of the SAMPSONS wouldn't even chop off MARIAR + ANTERNETTE'S head until her hair had been cut off, so he + could peel her top-knot off slick and cleen.</p> + + <p>Lookin' back at these cheerful antsisters of your'n, + it's no wonder you go in for long haired labor. It runs + in the SAMPSON blood.</p> + + <p>The public is cussin' you from DANIEL to BEEBSHEBER, + because you've brought a lot of modern Philistines to + Massachusetts.</p> + + <p>Let 'em cus.</p> + + <p>That's their lay.</p> + + <p>Your'n is, to bild up a fortin, if Poor-houses for + white laborers to live in is thicker in North Adams than + goose pimples on a fever and ager sufferer's form.</p> + + <p>As old Grandma SAMPSON cut off her old man's long + hair, so she could handle him in one of them little + fireside scrimmages which we married fokes enjoy, so + fokes would crop you, my hi toned old Joss stick.</p> + + <p>But I've writ more'n I intended to. I would like to + have you come and make us a visit.</p> + + <p>Bring along your wife, DELIAL. Tell her to bring her + croshay work.</p> + + <p>Mrs. GREEN is interestin' company among wimmen.</p> + + <p>What MARIAR don't know about her nabors, don't + happen.</p> + + <p>Then her veel pot-pies and ingin puddins are just + rats.</p> + + <p>She can nock the spots off from any woman who wears a + waterfall, gettin' up a good square meal.</p> + + <p>Anser soon, and don't forget to pay your own + postige.</p> + + <p>Hopin' you are sound on the goose and able to enjoy + your <i>Swi lager und Sweitzer</i>,</p> + + <p>I am thine, old hoss,</p> + + <p>HIRAM GREEN, Esq.,</p> + + <p>Lait Gustise of the Peece.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>TREATMENT FOR POTATO BUGS</b>.</p> + + <p>Mr. CLARK JOHNSON, of Pendleton, Indiana, not at all + discouraged by the signal failures of many previous + campaigns against the Bug, has entered the (potato) field + with a new weapon, viz.: a mixture of Paris Green and + Ashes. Applied frequently, as a Top Dressing, this gentle + stimulant imparts a new energy to the vine, and also to + the Bug, who thus becomes so vigorous, and at the same + time restless, that an uncontrollable impulse seizes him + to visit the home of his ancestors, (Colorado.) Here, as + is supposed by Mr. JOHNSON, the fictitious energy that + had been supplied by the Mixture deserts the immigrant, + who now settles down contentedly, nor ever roams + again.</p> + + <p>As (owing to the present facilities of freighting, + etc.,) the Potatoes of Pendleton may eventually find the + New York market, which always invites the superior + esculent, we would like to suggest to Mr. JOHNSON that + this Mixture be administered to the Bug with a spoon, and + not sprinkled promiscuously on the ground. We have drank + Tea with a "green flavor," and found it comparatively + innocuous; but Potatoes with a green flavor, (especially + if flavored by the JOHNSONIAN method,) we should consider + as doubtful, to say the least. It is the general + impression that there is nothing Green in Paris; but your + house painter knows there is such a thing as Paris Green, + and that it is the oxyde of copper. Therefore, should one + eat many of the potatoes nourished as above, we should + expect to see him gradually turning into a Bronze + Statue—a fate which, unless he were + particularly Greeky and nice-looking, we should wish to + anticipate, if possible, in the interests of art.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <center> + <img src="images/12.jpg" alt=""> + + <p>MR. SWACHENBACKER, OF THE AIRY 'UN SOCIETY, CREATES + A SENSATION AMONG THE LADY BATHERS AT "THE BRANCH," BY + APPEARING AMONG THEM AS A MERMAN, WITH A REAL + LOOKING-GLASS AND A FALSE TAIL.</p> + </center><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>Fashionable Intelligence.</b></p> + + <p>Two colors that once were fashionable in the Parisian + <i>toilette</i>, viz.: BISMARCK brown and Prussian blue, + are now excluded from court circles, by command of the + Empress.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>Weather or No.</b></p> + + <p>Most remarkable in the history of mathematics are the + calculations published by the weather-prophet of the + <i>Express</i>. Arithmetic turns pale when she glances at + them, and, striking her multiplication table with her + algebraic knuckles, demands to know why the + <i>Express</i> does not add a Cube-it to its + THATCHER.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>Comparative Industry.</b></p> + + <p>It is reported that "the journeymen lathers demand + four dollars per day." As a question of comparative soap, + the latherers will in due time strike too. The ultimatum + will be-"Raise our pay or we drop the Razor."</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>"Omnibus Hoc," etc.</b></p> + + <p>What is the difference between theft in an omnibus and + the second deal at cards?</p> + + <p>One is a Game of the Stage, and the other is a Stage + of the Game.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>OUR AGRICULTURAL COLUMN.</b></p> + + <p><b>Memorabilia of "What I Know About Farming."</b></p> + + <p>Profound subjects should be well meditated upon. A man + may write about "New America," or "Spiritual Wives," or + any such light and airy subject, without possessing much + knowledge, or indulging in much thought, but he can't + play such tricks upon Agriculture. She is very much like + a donkey: unless you are thoroughly acquainted with her + playful ways, she will upset you in a quagmire. Perhaps + it is due to my readers that I should say here that I + have read a great many valuable treatises upon this + subject, among which may be named, "Cometh up as a + Flour," "Anatomy of Melon-cholly," "Sowing and Reaping," + one thousand or two volumes of Patent Office Reports, and + three or four bushels of "Proverbial Philosophy." I would + also add, that I invariably remain awake on clear nights, + and think out the ideas set down in this column. Probably + you may not be able to find traces of all that labor + here, but I assure you that those books are more familiar + to me than is my catechism. However, anybody who thinks + he knows more about vegetables than I do, can send me a + letter containing his information, and, if I don't + cabbage it, I will plant it carefully in the bottom of + the waste paper basket. We now proceed to consider.</p> + + <p>PAR'S NIPS.</p> + + <p>This vegetable always flourishes in a moist soil, + though it generally has a holy horror of <i>aqua + pura</i>. Some of them are of an immense size; I have + seen them fill a tumbler. Producers, however, generally + charge more for the large ones than for the small. The + size of the nip usually depends upon the par. It may be + that your par's nip is extremely small, while JOHN + SMITH'S par's nip is very large. Four fingers is, I + believe, considered to be the regulation size.</p> + + <p>This vegetable is served up in a variety of forms. + Some pars like it with milk; in that case it is generally + "hung up." In the winter it is often called a sling or a + punch; in the summer it is denominated a cobbler or a + jew-lip. Perhaps it would be well for those who love it, + to indulge in par's nip now, for some people say, that in + the days of the "coming man" there will be no par's nips. + It must be admitted that the father of a family, who + indulges too freely in par's nip, is very likely to run + to seed, and to plant himself in such unfruitful places + as the gutter. If he be a young par, he may become a + rake, and fork over his money, and then ho! for the + alms-house.</p> + + <p>Numerous efforts have been made to suppress this + vegetable, among which may be reckoned, "Father, dear + Father, come home with me now," Brother GOUGH'S circus, + and the parades of the F.M.T.A.B. Societies. Maine and + Vermont Neal together in the front rank of its opponents. + In Boston they tried to suppress this vegetable, but, if + you followed your par to a store and heard him order a + cracker, you could smell par's nip.</p> + + <p>Among the mild varieties of this article may be + mentioned benzine, camphene and kerosene; the next + strongest kind is called Jersey lightning; but, if you + desire par's nips in their most luxuriant form, go to + Water street and try the species known as + "rot-gut."</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>OUR PORTFOLIO.</b></p> + + <p>Poetry is the exclusive birthright of no age of + people. The dirtiest Hindoo sings to his <i>fetish</i> + the songs of the Brahmin muse, with as keen a relish as + the most devout Christian does the hymns of Dr. WATTS. + Melody comes of Heaven, and is a gift vouchsafed to all + generations, and all kinds of men. In proof of this, let + us adduce a single extract from the great epic of the + Hawaiian poet, POPPOOFI, entitled "Ka Nani + E!"</p><span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Ka nani e! ka + nani e!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 3em;">Alohi puni no</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Mai luna, a mai lalo + nei,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 3em;">A ma na mea a + pau.</span><br> + + <p>We would call the attention of our readers + particularly to the sublime sentiment of the second line. + "Alohi puni no," sings the peerless POPPOOFI, and where, + in the pages of that other Oriental HOMER, the Persian + HAFI, can be found anything half so magnificent? There + may be critics bigoted enough to think that the last line + destroys the effect of the other three; but <i>we</i> + don't. PUNCHINELLO would much rather discover the good in + a thing at any time, than go a-fishing on Sundays.</p> + + <p>It is not in the nature of a properly constituted + human being to lay his hand upon his heart and + chant:</p><span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">"Ka nani e! + Ka nani e!"</span><br> + + <p>in the presence of his mother-in-law, without feeling + that life is not so miserable as some people would make + it out. In the words of ALEXANDER SELKIRK'S man FRIDAY: + "<i>Palmam qui meruit ferat</i>."</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>THE PLAYS AND SHOWS</b>.</p> + + <p><img src="images/13.jpg" align="left" alt="E">mmet is + a name which has heretofore been associated in the public + mind with the Negro Minstrel business. Certain weird + barbaric melodies, which defy all laws of musical + composition, but which haunt one like a dream of a lonely + night on some wild African river, are said to have been + written by "OLD EMMET." Is there any such person? Has any + one actually seen "OLD EMMET" in the flesh, and + with—say a high hat and a cotton umbrella? For + my part I disbelieve in the popular theory of the origin + of these EMMETIC melodies which stir one so strangely. + They are not the work of any earthly song writer, but are + born of some untuned Eolian harp played upon by uncertain + breezes, that murmur the memory of tropical groves and + sigh with the sadness of exile. There is no "OLD EMMET." + If there is, let him be brought forward—not to + be chucked out of the window, as Mrs. F.'s AUNT might + suggest,—but to be thanked and wondered at as + an inchoate OFFENBACH, who might, under other + circumstances, have written an American opera-bouffe, or, + better still, as a possible CHOPIN, who might have + written a second "March Funébre" as hopeless and + desolate and fascinating as that of the despairing and + poetic Pole. (I am coming to "FRITZ" in a moment, but I + won't be hurried by any one.)</p> + + <p>As for JOSEPH K. EMMET, he is an undoubted reality. If + you don't believe it, go to WALLACK'S and see him. + Somebody discovered this EMMET in the Pastoral privacy of + the Bowery. Mr. GAYLER was made to write a play for him, + and EMMET, the Bowery Minstrel, straightway became Mr. + JOSEPH K. EMMET, the renowned impersonator of "FRITZ." He + plays "FRITZ" at WALLACK'S every evening, and the + entertainment is something of this nature.</p> + + <p>ACT I.—<i>Scene, the outside of Castle + Garden. Enter baggage-smashers, emigrant-runners, + aldermen, and other criminals</i>.</p> + + <p>RUNNER. "There's a ship a' comin' up. I'll lay for the + Dutchmen."</p> + + <p>BOBBIT. (<i>A concert-saloon manager</i>.) "There's a + ship coming up. I'll lay for the Dutch girls."</p> + + <p>DISSOLUTE COLONEL. "There's a ship coming up. I want + you two fellows to look out for a Dutchman named "FRITZ," + who is onboard. He takes care of a girl, KATRINA, whom I + adore. Carry off FRITZ and I'll carry off the girl."</p> + + <p>(<i>Various emigrants enter and are hustled off by the + runners</i>. FRITZ <i>and</i> KATRINA <i>finally + appear</i>.)</p> + + <p>FRITZ. "Ja. Das ist gut. Ach himmel; zwei bier und + Limburger."</p> + + <p>(<i>The runners seize his trunk and carry it off. + The</i> DISSOLUTE COLONEL <i>hurries</i> KATRINA <i>into + a coach and carries her off</i>. FRITZ <i>is carried away + by his emotions. Curtain</i>.)</p><br> + + <p>ACT II.—<i>Scene, a boarding-house parlor. + Enter</i> DISSOLUTE COLONEL <span style= + "font-style: italic;">and</span> KATRINA.</p> + + <p>DISSOLUTE COLONEL. "You are in my power. Be mine, and + you shall have as many bonnets and things as you can + wish. Refuse, and I'll send every reporter in the city to + interview you."</p> + + <p>KATRINA. "Base villain! I despise you. Let the + torturers do their worst."</p> + + <p>(<i>Enter</i> FRITZ, <i>disguised as a member of the + Sorosis</i>.)</p> + + <p>KATRINA. "You here! Be cautious. The hash is drugged. + Save me, my beloved."</p> + + <p>FRITZ. "Ja. Das ist nicht gut. Herr Colonel, Ich bin + KATRINA'S aunt. Ich habe gekommen to take her away wid + me, ye owdacious spalpeen."</p> + + <p>DISSOLUTE COLONEL. "Glad to see you. Take some hash, + madam?"</p> + + <p>FRITZ. "Ja. Das ist gut. Take some yourself, you + murtherin' thafe of the worruld."</p> + + <p>(<i>The</i> DISSOLUTE COLONEL <i>forgets that the hash + is drugged. He takes it and falls insensible</i>. FRITZ + <i>and</i> KATRINA <i>escape. Scene changes to Judge</i> + DOWLING'S <i>court-room</i>.)</p> + + <p>FRITZ. (<i>Having left off his Sorosis disguise</i>.) + "Ja. Das is nicht gut. Behold, O wise young judge, the + misguided person who put my trunk in his pocket and ran + away with it."</p> + + <p>JUDGE. "Prove your case."</p> + + <p>FRITZ. "Ja. Das ist gut. Begar! I proves him <i>toute + de suite</i>—what you call to wunst. You see + those Limburger cheese in the villain's mouth. He got + them out of my trunk. So you see I have him ein thief + geproven."</p> + + <p>JUDGE. "Your case is proved. Let the prisoner be + removed."</p> + + <p>FRITZ. "Ja. Das ist sehr gut. Now I'm a gwine to de + saloon, where dis niggah has a ningagement for to + sing."</p> + + <p>(<i>Scene changes to a concert saloon</i>. FRITZ + <i>enters and goes through an entire programme of negro + minstrelsy, to the wild delight of the gallery. At last + the lazy curtain slowly consents to fall</i>.)</p><br> + + <p>ACT III.—The DISSOLUTE COLONEL <i>come to + grief, and</i> FRITZ <i>marries</i> KATRINA. If you want + to know all about it, go to the theatre. I don't intend + to ruin the establishment by giving the public the whole + play for the ridiculous sum which is charged for this + copy of PUNCHINELLO. The third act is the last of the + play, and when the curtain fells, the audience + immediately proceeds to pick EMMET to pieces.</p> + + <p>BOY IN THE GALLERY. "Ain't he just tip, though? I've + seen him lots o' times at TONY PASTOR'S, and I allers + knowed he'd be a big thing if the Bowery or thishyer + theatre got a hold on him."</p> + + <p>YOUNG LADY. "Isn't it frightfully low? The idea of Mr. + WALLACK permitting this negro minstrelsy in his theatre. + To be sure Mr. EMMET is funny; but I hate to see people + funny in this place."</p> + + <p>OLD GENTLEMAN. "My dear! don't be absurd. Suppose Mr. + EMMET has been a minstrel, is that any proof that he + can't be an actor? The young fellow has his faults, but + they will wear off in time, and he is brimful of real + talent. The play isn't a model of excellence, but it was + made to show EMMET'S strong points, and it answers its + purpose. Shall we cry down a talented and promising young + actor simply because he has been a minstrel, and now has + the audacity to play at WALLACK'S? And besides, haven't + we seen pantomime, and legs, and LOTTA, and DAN BRYANT at + WALLACK'S? You never objected to any of the + illegitimacies that have preceded FRITZ;—why + then should you begin now? Give EMMET and GAYLER a + chance. At any rate they can make you laugh, which is + something that BOUCICAULT with his '<i>Lost at Sea</i>' + did not do."</p> + + <p>MATADOR.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>A PARABLE ABOUT THE TWELFTH OF JULY</b>.</p> + + <p>In a far distant land, beyond the sea, there dwelt an + Orange Lily. Separated from it by a very absurd and + useless ditch, a Green Shamrock spread its trefoil + leafage to the sun, and grew greener every day. Now, in + course of time, a very ill feeling sprang up between the + Lily and the Shamrock, on account of color, the former + despising the latter because it was green, and the latter + hating the former because it was orange—as if + both colors hadn't lived together in the rainbow ever + since the aquatic excursion of old Mr. NOAH, without ever + falling out of it or with each other. In time they both + crossed the sea, and took root in a far-away land, where + they became acquainted with a very remarkable animal + called the American Beaver.</p> + + <p>The industry of this creature urged the Lily to toil + and spin, contrary to its usual habits, while the + Shamrock converted its trifoliated leaves into shovels, + and took a contract for excavating the hemisphere. And so + they might have jogged on very well together, but for + their stupid way of showing their colors when there was + no occasion for it. This greatly disgusted their friend, + the American Beaver, who didn't care a pinch of snuff + about color, (black is not a color, you know,) but who + went in for faithful and persistent work. One beautiful + Twelfth of July, the Lily arose very early in the + morning, and, shaking out her orange leaves, defied the + Shamrock to "come on." The Shamrock came on. There was a + vegetable howl, and clash, and clangor in the air, and + the Lily, having knocked off several of the Shamrocks' + greenest leaves, went to its friend, the American Beaver, + for comfort and support. But the American Beaver, instead + of countenancing the Lily, said: "Look here, Lily, I + guess you are about the greatest fool I ever <i>did</i> + see, except, perhaps, the Shamrock. As long as you two + stick to your work, instead of sticking out your colors + and sticking your knives into each other, I am very glad + to have you for neighbors, but now that you have shown + yourselves to be jack-asses instead of vegetables, I + would not give an American Beaver dam for the two of + you."</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>CONDENSED CONGRESS.</b></p> + + <p><b>SENATE.</b></p> + + <p><img src="images/14.jpg" align="left" alt="A"> + pleasant philosopher tells us that blessings brighten as + they take their flight. The flight of Congress may be + regarded as a blessing. But Congressmen do not brighten. + PUNCHINELLO listens in vain for the swan song of SUMNER, + and looks longingly, without being gratified by the + spectacle of the oratorical funeral pyre of NYE. Almost + the only gleam of humor he discerns in his weekly wading + through the watery and windy wastes of the Congressional + Globe is a comic coruscation by Mr. CAMERON.</p> + + <p>Mr. McCREERY had had the abominable impudence to + introduce a bill relieving the disabilities of a few + friends of his in Kentucky. Mr. CAMERON objected upon the + ground that one of these persons was named SMITH, and + used to be a New York Street Commissioner. Any man who + had been a New York Street Commissioner ought to be + hanged as soon as any decent pretext could be found for + hanging him. (Murmurs of approbation from the New York + reporters.) Still this was not his main objection to + SMITH. The SMITH family had furnished more aid and + comfort to the rebel army than any other family in the + South. No SMITH should, with his consent, be permitted to + participate in the conduct of a Government which so many + SMITHS had conspired to overthrow. Moreover, this was an + incorrigible SMITH. It was an undisputed fact that SMITH + had given up a lucrative office to follow his political + convictions. Such a man could not be viewed by Senators + with any other feelings than those of horror and disgust. + Let them reflect what would be the effect of polluting + this body, as by this bill it was proposed to make it + possible to do, with a man so dead to all the common + feelings of our nature that he would set up his own + conceits against the practice of his fellow-Senators, and + the rewards of a grateful country. This settled the fate + of SMITH, but the rest of Mr. McCREERY's friends, being + obscure persons, were let in, in spite of the "barbaric + yaup" of DRAKE, who said that the next thing would be a + proposition to enact a similar outrage in Missouri, and + thereby abet the efforts of the bold bad men who were + trying to get him out of his seat.</p> + + <p><b>HOUSE.</b></p> + + <p>SCHENCK insisted upon the Tariff. He had been visited + by delegations from the great heart of the nation, who + assured him that the great heart of the nation yearned + for an immediate increase of the duty on various articles + which competed with the articles manufactured by the + members of the delegation. No longer ago than yesterday a + manufacturer of double-back-action jack-planes had + assured him that the single-forward-action jack-planes + poured upon our shores by the pauper labor of Europe, + were, so to speak, shaving off the edge of the national + life. A gentleman whose name was known to the uttermost + parts of the civilized world, who had shed new lustre + upon the American name by the great boon he had bestowed + upon mankind in the American self-filling rotary Bird of + Freedom inkstand with revolving lid, had said, with the + tears of patriotic shame and sorrow in his eyes, that + there were recreant writers who preferred to purchase the + Birmingham inkstand, which required to be filled, did not + rotate, and had no revolution to its lid, at fifty cents, + than to secure his own triumph of American ingenuity at + ten dollars. Such misguided men must be taught their duty + to their native land. Mr. SCHENCK moved an increase to + 4,000 per cent, <i>ad valorem</i> on the foreign + jack-plane, which he characterized as a Tool of Tyranny, + and the Birmingham inkstand. The thing was done.</p> + + <p>Mr. DAWES said he was disgusted. Everybody's jobs were + put through except his. He threatened to go home and tell + his constituents.</p> + + <p>Mr. PETERS suggested that Mr. DAWES had better go out + and take "suthin' soothin'." (Mr. PETERS is from Maine, + and his remark will probably be understood there.) If he + might be pardoned the liberty he would recommend a little + ice in it.</p> + + <p>Mr. DAWES said he could do his own drinking. As for + PETERS, he scorned him. Moreover, PETERS was + one-eyed.</p> + + <p>Mr. PETERS appealed to his record to show that he had + two eyes. He did not understand the anger of Mr. DAWES. + Of course when he suggested a drink, he assumed the + responsibility of paying for it.</p> + + <p>Mr. DAWES said that altered the case entirely. He took + pleasure in withdrawing his hasty remarks, and in + assuring the House that he profoundly venerated PETERS, + and that PETERS had two perfect eyes of unusual + expressiveness.</p> + + <p>Mr. BINGHAM called attention to the case of Mr. + PORTER, who had been smitten on the nose by a vile + creature whom he declined to drink with. This was a blow + at the national life, and he thought the punishment of + treason was imperatively demanded.</p> + + <p>Mr. BUTLER said he had been kicked once. He assured + the House that the sensation was repugnant to his + feelings as a man—much more as a Congressman. + He moved to amend by substituting slow torture.</p> + + <p>It was finally resolved to put the wretch in irons and + feed him on bread and water.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>A Drowsy Con.</b></p> + + <p>When a man is sleepy, what sort of transformation does + he desire?</p> + + <p>He wishes he were a-bed.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>An Anecdote of the good old Square Kind.</b></p> + + <p>MRS. PRINGLEWOOD, having been afflicted with a chimney + that smoked, sent for a chimney-doctor to cure it.</p> + + <p>When the cure had been thoroughly effected, says Mrs. + PRINGLEWOOD to the chimney-doctor: "My son, a boy of but + fourteen, smokes awful; couldn't you cure him as you did + the chimney?"</p> + + <p>"No I couldn't, marm," returned the chimney-doctor, + who was a wag: "but I see what you're arter, + marm—you want me to teach him to draw!"</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>O Deer, Deer!</b></p> + + <p><i>Trichinoe</i> are said to have been discovered in + the flesh of Oregon deer. If this should prove true, + Oregon venison must be anything but a benison; but it is + more than likely that the report originated in the fact + that there is in the East Indies a species of the cervine + family known as the Hog deer.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>Scientific Intelligence.</b></p> + + <p>We learn from exchanges that in Missouri, where the + wages of working-people average five dollars <i>per + diem</i>, that the Legislature have decreed a Mining + Bureau, and a Geological Survey of the + State—the remuneration of the assistant + geologists to be at the rate of $1.50 <i>per diem</i>. + Why should these learned geologists waste their time for + a compensation so mean? Let them rather convert their + surveying-staffs into ox-goads, and turn their attention + to Gee-haw-logy,—'twill pay better than t'other + thing.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>Men and Manners/</b></p> + + <p>The following paragraph, cut from a newspaper, + suggests a good deal:</p> + + <p>"A Hindoo cabby, before mounting the box and taking + the reins, always first prays that his driving may be to + the glory of his God."</p> + + <p>Now this is precisely what the New York hackman + invariably does before he gathers up the reins and urges + on his "galled jades." He curses his horses, his + passengers, and his own eyes, and thus commends his + driving to the glory of <i>his</i> God, whose other name + is LUCIFER.</p><br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + + <table style= + "width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"> + <big><big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">A. T. + Stewart & Co.</span></big></big></big><br> + Are offering<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">A SPLENDID + ASSORTMENT</span><br> + <small>OF THE<br> + LATEST PARIS NOVELTIES.<br> + IN</small><br> + <br> + ROMAN. ECOSSAIS, CARREAUX.<br> + BROCHE, CHINE, GROS<br> + GRAIN AND TAFFETA<br> + <br> + SASH RIBBONS,<br> + IN THE MOST DESIRABLE WIDTHS AND<br> + SHADES OF COLOR. Also,<br> + <br> + <b>Velvet Ribbons, Trimming Ribbons,<br> + Neckties, &c., &c.</b><br> + <br> + <i>Great Inducements to Purchasers</i>.<br> + <br> + <big>BROADWAY,</big><br> + <br> + <b>4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets.</b><br> + <br></td> + + <td style="text-align: left;" rowspan="4"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> + <big><big><big><big>PUNCHINELLO.<br> + <br></big></big></big></big><br> + The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and + Satirical Weekly Paper was issued under date of April + 2, 1870. The Press and the Public in every State and + Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper of + the kind ever published in America. + </div><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">CONTENTS ENTIRELY + ORIGINAL.</span><br> + <br> + Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) + ............... $4.00<br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " six months, + (without premium,) + ..................................... 2.00</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " three months, + " ............................................. 1.00</span><br> + + <br> + Single copies mailed free, for + ............................................... .10<br> + <br> + We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & + CO'S<br> + CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows:<br> + <br> + A copy of paper for one year, and<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style= + "font-weight: bold;">"</span><b style= + "font-weight: bold;">The Awakening</b><span style= + "font-weight: bold;">,"</span></big></big> (a Litter of + Puppies.) Half chromo.<br> + Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,) for + ...................... $4.00<br> + <br> + <br> + A copy of paper for one year and either of the following + $3.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Wild + Roses.</span></big></big> 12-1/8 x 9.<br> + <big><big><b>Dead Game</b>.</big></big> 11-1/8 x + 8-3/8.<br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 6-3/4 x + 10-1/4—for ..................... $5.00<br> + <br> + <br> + A copy of paper for one year and either of the following + $5.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Group of Chickens;<br> + Group of Ducklings;<br> + Group of Quails</b>.</big></big><br> + Each 10 x 12-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Poultry Yard</b>.</big></big> 10-1/8 x + 14<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Barefoot Boy;<br> + Wild Fruit</b>.</big></big> Each 9-3/4 x 13.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Pointer and Quail;<br> + Spaniel and Woodcock</b>.</big></big> 10 x + 12—for ... $6.50<br> + <br> + <br> + A copy of paper for one year and either of the following + $6.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Baby in Trouble;<br> + The Unconscious Sleeper;<br> + The Two Friends</b>. (Dog and Child.)</big></big><br> + Each 13 x 16-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Spring;<br> + Summer;<br> + Autumn;</b><br></big></big> 12-7/8 x 16-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Kid's Play Ground</b>.</big></big><br> + 11 x 17-1/2—for ................. $7.00<br> + <br> + <br> + A copy of paper for one year and either of the following + $7.50 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Strawberries and + Baskets</b>.</big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b style="font-weight: bold;">Cherries and + Baskets</b><span style= + "font-weight: bold;">.</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Currants</b>.</big></big> Each 13 x 18.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Horses in a Storm</b>.</big></big> 22-1/4 x + 15-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Six Central Park + Views. (A set.)</big></big><br> + 9-1/8 x 4-1/2—for ........... $8.00<br> + <br> + <br> + A copy of paper for one year and<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Six American Landscapes</b>. (A + set.)</big></big><br> + 4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00—for + .............................................. $9.00<br> + <br> + <br> + A copy of paper for one year and either of the<br> + following $10 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Sunset in California</b>.</big></big> + (Bierstadt) 18-1/2 x 12<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 14 x 21.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Corregio's Magdalen</b>.</big></big> 12-1/4 + x 16-3/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Summer Fruit, and Autumn + Fruit</b>.</big></big> (Half chromos,)<br> + 15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), + for $10.00<br> + <br> + Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or + Bank Checks on New York, or Registered letters. The paper + will be sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) + when not otherwise ordered.<br> + <br> + Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, + twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in + advance; the CHROMOS will be <i>mailed free</i> on + receipt of money.<br> + <br> + CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be + given. For special terms address the Company.<br> + <br> + The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of + seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A + specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or + getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp.<br> + <br> + Address,<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING + CO.,</span><br> + <br> + P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New York.<br> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"><big><big><big><span style= + "font-weight: bold;">A. T. STEWART & + Co.</span></big></big></big><br> + <br> + Are Offering<br> + <br> + <b>Extraordinary Bargains</b><br> + IN<br> + LADIES' PARIS AND DOMESTIC READY-MADE<br> + <b>Silk, Grenadine, Swiss Muslin,<br> + Victoria Lawn, Linen<br> + and Pique</b><br> + <br> + <b>Suits, Robes, and Dresses,</b><br> + <br> + Children's Linen and Pique Garments,<br> + In the Greatest Variety,<br> + <br> + <b>Embroidered Collars, CUFFS, LACES,<br> + Real LAMA LACE POINTS,<br> + DRESSES &c., &c.</b><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</span><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH + STREETS.</span><br></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"><big><big><big style= + "font-weight: bold;">A. T. Steward & + Co.</big></big></big><br> + <br> + Are closing out their stock of<br> + FRENCH, ENGLISH, AND DOMESTIC<br> + <b>CARPETS</b>,<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Oil Cloths, Rugs, Mats, + Cocoa and Canton</span><br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Mattings, &c., + &c.,</span><br> + <br> + At a Great REDUCTION IN PRICES.<br> + <br> + <i>Customers and Strangers are Respectfully</i><br> + <br> + <b>INVITED TO EXAMINE</b>,<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</span><br style= + "font-weight: bold;"> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">4th Avenue, 9th and 10th + Streets.</span><br></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"><big><big><big><span style= + "font-weight: bold;">A. T. STEWART + &CO.</span></big></big></big><br> + <br> + Offer the following<br> + Extraordinary Inducements<br> + IN PRICES TO PURCHASERS,<br> + <br> + In order to close the following portion of their Stock:<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Striped Checks, & + Broche Poplinettes,</span><br> + Only 50 cts. per Yard.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Heavy Black and White + Check Silks,</span><br> + 75 cts. per Yard, value $1.50.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Real Gaze de + Chambrey,</span><br> + 75 cts. per Yard, formerly $2.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Striped Mongoline Silks (a + Beautiful</span><br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Article for + Costumes),</span><br> + $1 per Yard, formerly $2<br> + <br> + A LARGE QUANTITY OF<br> + <br> + <b>STRIPED & CHECKED SILKS</b>,<br> + This Season's Importation, $1 per Yard.<br> + <br> + A great Variety of the<br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">NEW ROUBAIX + SILKS,<br></span> 56 INCHES WIDE, $1.25 per Yard.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">RICH CHANGEABLE + SILKS,</span><br> + Light Colors, 24 Inches Wide, $1.75.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">EXTRA HEAVY PONGE + SILKS,</span><br> + ONLY $1.60 per Yard, formerly $2.50.<br> + <br> + <small>A LARGE ASSORTMENT OF</small><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Plain Colored POULTS DE + SOIES,<br> + TAFFETTAS,</span> <span style="font-weight: bold;">FAILLES, + &c., &c.,</span><br> + <br> + Choice Shades of Color.<br> + <br> + <i>AN IMMENSE STOCK OF</i><br> + <br> + <b>BLACK SILKS</b>,<br> + <br> + At Prices Lower Than Ever.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</span><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">4th Ave., 9th and 10th + Sts.</span><br></td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + + <table width="800" align="center" border="1" cellpadding="2" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td rowspan="2" width="66%"> + <center> + <img src="images/16.jpg" alt=""> <span style= + "font-weight: bold;">THE COMING MILLENNIUM,</span><br> + WHEN EVERYTHING IS TO BE CHEAP,<br> + AND THE WHITE MAN WILL STARVE. + </center> + </td> + + <td align="center"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Tourists and leisure + Travelers</span><br> + <small>will be find to learn that the Erie Railway + Company has prepared</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">COMBINATION + EXCURSION</span><br> + <small><small>OR</small></small><br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Round Trip + Tickets,</span></big><br> + + <p><small>Valid during the entire season, and embracing + Ithaca— headwaters of Cayuga + Lake—Niagara Falls, Lake Ontario, the River St. + Lawrence, Montreal, Quebec, Lake Champlain, Lake George, + Saratoga, the White Mountains and all principal points of + interest in Northern New York, the Canadas, and New + England. Also similar Tickets at reduced rates, through + Lake Superior, enabling travelers to visit the celebrated + Iron Mountains and Copper Mines of that region. By + applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. + 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich + St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton + St., Brooklyn; Depots foot of Chambers Street, and foot + of 23rd St., New York; No. 3 Exchange Place, and Long + Dock Depot, Jersey City, and the Agents at the principal + hotels, travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, + as well as all the necessary information.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center">"The Printing—House of the + United States."<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">GEO. F. NESBITT + & CO.,</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">General JOB + PRINTERS,</span><br> + <br> + BLANK BOOK Manufacturers,<br> + STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail,<br> + LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers.<br> + COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers,<br> + CARD Manufacturers,<br> + ENVELOPE Manufacturers.<br> + FINE CUT and COLOR Printers.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">163, 165, 167, and 169 + PEARL ST.,</span><br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE + ST., New York.</span><br> + <br> + <small>ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under + immediate supervision of the proprietors.</small><br></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td colspan="2"> + <center> + <p><small>PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," + "Water-Lilies," "Chas. Dickens." PRANG'S CHROMOS sold + in all Art and Bookstores throughout the world. PRANG'S + ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of + stamp.</small></p><span style="font-weight: bold;">L. + PRANG & CO., Boston.</span> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + + <table style= + "width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="width: 50%;"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> + <big><big><big><span style= + "font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO.</span></big></big></big><br> + + <br> + <small>With a large and varied experience in the + management and publication of a paper of the class + herewith submitted, and with the still more positive + advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the + undertaking, the</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING + CO</span>.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">OF THE CITY OF NEW + YORK,</span><br> + <br> + Presents to the public for approval, the new<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS + AND SATIRICAL</span><br> + <br> + <small><span style="font-weight: bold;">WEEKLY + PAPER,</span></small><br> + <br> + <big><big><span style= + "font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO,</span></big></big><br> + + <br> + The first number of which was issued under<br> + date of April 2.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">ORIGINAL + ARTICLES,</span><br> + <br> + + <div style="text-align: center;"> + Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs,, or + suggestive ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon + the topics of the day, are always acceptable and will + be paid for liberally.<br> + <br> + Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless + postage stamps are inclosed. + </div> + </div> + + <div style="text-align: center;"> + <br> + TERMS:<br> + <br> + One copy, per year, in advance ....................... + $4.00<br> + <br> + Single copies + .......................................... .10<br> + <br> + A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of + ten cents.<br> + <br> + One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other<br> + magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for ................. + 5.50<br> + <br> + One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for.. + 7.00 + </div><br> + + <div style="text-align: center;"> + All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed + to<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING + CO.,</span><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">No 83 Nassau + Street,</span><br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">P. O. Box, 2783. NEW + YORK.</span> + </div> + </td> + + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>THE MYSTERY OF + MR. E. DROOD.</big></big></p> + + <p style="font-style: italic;">The New Burlesque + Serial,</p> + + <p><big>Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO,</big></p> + + <p><small>BY</small></p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>ORPHEUS C. + KERR,</big></p> + + <p><small>Commenced in No. 11. will be continued weekly + throughout the year.</small></p> + + <p><small>A sketch of the eminent author, written by his + bosom friend, with superb illustrations of</small></p> + + <p>1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, + TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY.</p> + + <p>2ND. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE + taken as he appears "Every Saturday." will also be found + in the same number.</p><br> + + <p>Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen,<br> + (or mailed from this office, free,) Ten Cents.</p> + + <p>Subscription for One Year, one copy,<br> + with $2 Chromo Premium. $4.</p> + + <p><small>Those desirous of receiving the paper + containing this new serial, which promises to be the best + ever written by ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to + insure its regular receipt weekly.</small></p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>We will send the + first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to<br> + any one who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, + on<br> + the receipt of SIXTY CENTS.</small></p> + + <p>Address,</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING + COMPANY,</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">P. O. Box 2783.</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">83 Nassau St., New + York.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table><br> + + <center> + GEO. W, WHEAT & Co, PRINTER, NO. 8 SPRUCE STREET. + </center><br> + <br> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 18, July 30, +1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 18 *** + +***** This file should be named 10014-h.htm or 10014-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/0/1/10014/ + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed Proofreaders + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use & Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS," WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Each eBook is in a subdirectory of the same number as the eBook's +eBook number, often in several formats including plain vanilla ASCII, +compressed (zipped), HTML and others. + +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks replace the old file and take over +the old filename and etext number. The replaced older file is renamed. +VERSIONS based on separate sources are treated as new eBooks receiving +new filenames and etext numbers. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + +EBooks posted prior to November 2003, with eBook numbers BELOW #10000, +are filed in directories based on their release date. If you want to +download any of these eBooks directly, rather than using the regular +search system you may utilize the following addresses and just +download by the etext year. + + http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/etext06 + + (Or /etext 05, 04, 03, 02, 01, 00, 99, + 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90) + +EBooks posted since November 2003, with etext numbers OVER #10000, are +filed in a different way. The year of a release date is no longer part +of the directory path. The path is based on the etext number (which is +identical to the filename). The path to the file is made up of single +digits corresponding to all but the last digit in the filename. For +example an eBook of filename 10234 would be found at: + + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/2/3/10234 + +or filename 24689 would be found at: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/4/6/8/24689 + +An alternative method of locating eBooks: + https://www.gutenberg.org/GUTINDEX.ALL + + + + +</pre> + +</body> +</html> diff --git a/old/10014-h/images/01.jpg b/old/10014-h/images/01.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b3cee40 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10014-h/images/01.jpg diff --git a/old/10014-h/images/04.jpg b/old/10014-h/images/04.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4b6ad60 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10014-h/images/04.jpg diff --git a/old/10014-h/images/05.jpg b/old/10014-h/images/05.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b39101a --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10014-h/images/05.jpg diff --git a/old/10014-h/images/06a.jpg b/old/10014-h/images/06a.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..34b8642 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10014-h/images/06a.jpg diff --git a/old/10014-h/images/06b.jpg b/old/10014-h/images/06b.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a4c91a1 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10014-h/images/06b.jpg diff --git a/old/10014-h/images/07a.jpg b/old/10014-h/images/07a.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fcb4176 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10014-h/images/07a.jpg diff --git a/old/10014-h/images/07b.jpg b/old/10014-h/images/07b.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..872ee89 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10014-h/images/07b.jpg diff --git a/old/10014-h/images/08.jpg b/old/10014-h/images/08.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ca15edd --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10014-h/images/08.jpg diff --git a/old/10014-h/images/09.jpg b/old/10014-h/images/09.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..62cb8ff --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10014-h/images/09.jpg diff --git a/old/10014-h/images/12.jpg b/old/10014-h/images/12.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e0ecc59 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10014-h/images/12.jpg diff --git a/old/10014-h/images/13.jpg b/old/10014-h/images/13.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fab6bc3 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10014-h/images/13.jpg diff --git a/old/10014-h/images/14.jpg b/old/10014-h/images/14.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7c17de2 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10014-h/images/14.jpg diff --git a/old/10014-h/images/16.jpg b/old/10014-h/images/16.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e22ad11 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10014-h/images/16.jpg diff --git a/old/10014.txt b/old/10014.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a2bfa5b --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10014.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2858 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 18, July 30, 1870, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 18, July 30, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 7, 2003 [EBook #10014] +[Date last updated: October 14, 2005] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 18 *** + + + + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze +and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO", | + | | + | to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent post-paid, | + | on receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | J.M. SPRAGUE | + | | + | Is the Authorized Agent of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | For the | + | | + | New England States, | + | | + | To Procure Subscriptions, | + | and to Employ Canvassers. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and | + | cheaper than any other Pen in the market. Special attention | + | is called to the following grades, as being better suited | + | for business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | | + | we recommend for Bank and Office use. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | Sole Agents for United States. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +Vol. I. No. 18 + +PUNCHINELLO + + +SATURDAY, JULY 30, 1870. + + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, +By ORPHEUS C. KERR, +Continued in this Number. + + +[Sidenote: See 15th Page for Extra Premiums.] + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO". | + | | + | SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO | + | | + | J. NICKINSON | + | | + | ROOM NO. 4, | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A NEW AND MUCH-NEEDED BOOK. | + | | + | MATERNITY. | + | | + | A POPULAR TREATISE | + | | + | For Young Wives and Mothers. | + | | + | BY T.S. VERDI, A.M., M.D., OF WASHINGTON, D.C. | + | | + | | + | DR. VERDI is a well-known and successful Homoeopathic | + | Practitioner, of thorough scientific training and large | + | experience. His book has arisen from a want felt in his own | + | practice, as a Monitor to Young Wives, a Guide to Young | + | Mothers, and an assistant to the family physician. It deals | + | skilfully, sensibly, and delicately with the perplexities of | + | early married life, as connected with the holy duties of | + | Maternity, giving information which women must have, either | + | in conversation with physicians, or from such a source as | + | this--evidently the preferable mode of learning, for a | + | delicate and sensitive woman. Plain and intelligible, but | + | without offense to the most fastidious taste, the style of | + | this book must commend it to careful perusal. It treats of | + | the needs, dangers, and alleviations of the time of travail; | + | and gives extended detailed instructions for the care and | + | medical treatment of infants and children throughout all the | + | perils of early life. | + | | + | As a Mother's Manual, it will have a large sale, and as a | + | book of special and reliable information on very important | + | topics, it will be heartily welcomed. | + | | + | Handsomely printed on laid paper: bevelled boards, extra | + | English cloth, 12mo., 450 pages. Price $2.25. | + | | + | _For sale by all Booksellers, or will be sent post-paid on | + | receipt of the price by_ | + | | + | J.B. FORD & CO., Publishers, | + | 39 Park Row, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | What it is Not. | + | | + | | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | | + |Merely a small student's sheet, But is the largest in N.E.| + |Merely of interest to college men, But to every one, | + |Merely a COLLEGE paper, But is a scientific paper,| + |Merely a local paper, But is cosmopolitan, | + |Merely scientific and educational, But is literary, | + |An experiment, But an established weekly | + |Conducted by students, But by graduates, | + |Stale and dry, But fresh and interesting | + | | + | It circulates in every College. | + | It circulates in every Professional School. | + | It circulates in every Preparatory School. | + | It circulates in every State in the United States. | + | It circulates in every civilized country. | + | It circulates among all College men. | + | It circulates among all Scientific men. | + | It circulates among the educated everywhere. | + | | + | July 1st a new volume commences. | + | July 1st 10,000 new subscribers wanted. | + | July 1st excellent illustrations will appear. | + | July 1st 10,000 specimen copies to be issued. | + | July 1st is a good time to subscribe. | + | July 1st or any time send stamp for a copy. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + |One year, in advance, - - - - - - - $4.00| + |Single copies (for sale by all newsdealers), - - .10| + | | + | Address | + | THE COLLEGE COURANT, | + | New Haven, Conn. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | NEWS DEALERS. | + | | + | ON | + | | + | RAILROADS, | + | | + | STEAMBOATS, | + | | + | And at WATERING PLACES, | + | | + | Will find the Monthly Numbers of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | For April, May, June, and July, an attractive and Saleable | + | Work. | + | | + | Single Copies Price 50 cts. | + | | + | For trade price address American News Co., or | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING & CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | TO NEWS-DEALER. | + | | + | Punchinello's Monthly. | + | | + | The Weekly Numbers for June, | + | | + | Bound in a Handsome Cover, | + | | + | Is now ready. Price Fifty Cents. | + | | + | THE TRADE | + | | + | Supplied by the | + | | + | AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, | + | | + | Who are now prepared to receive Orders. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | J. NICKINSON | + | | + | Begs to announce to the friends of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has | + | made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of | + | | + | ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED, | + | | + | the same will be forwarded, postage paid. | + | | + | Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing | + | Houses, can have the same forwarded by inclosing two | + | Stamps. | + | | + | OFFICE OF | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WEVILL & HAMMAR, | + | | + | Wood Engravers, | + | | + | 208 Broadway, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bowling Green Savings-Bank | + | | + | 33 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + | | + | Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M. | + | | + | | + | _Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents to Ten Thousand | + | Dollars will be received_. | + | | + | | + | Six per Cent interest, Free of Government Tax | + | | + | Commences on the First of every Month. | + | | + | | + | HENRY SMITH, _President_ | + | | + | REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary_. | + | | + | WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, _Vice-Presidents_. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FORST & AVERELL | + | | + | Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Pres | + | | + | PRINTERS, | + | | + | EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL | + | MANUFACTURERS. | + | | + | | + | Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application. | + | | + | | + | 23 Platt Street, and | + | 20-22 Gold Street, | + | [P.O. Box 2845.] | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | DIBBLEEANIA | + | | + | AND | + | | + | Japonica Juice, | + | | + | FOR THE HAIR. | + | | + | The most effective Soothing and Stimulating Compounds | + | ever offered to the public for the | + | | + | Removal of Scurf, Dandruff, &c. | + | | + | For consultation, apply at | + | | + | WILLIAM DIBBLEE'S, | + | | + | Ladies' Hair Dresser and Wig Maker. | + | | + | 854 BROADWAY, N.Y. City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FOLEY'S | + | | + | GOLD PENS. | + | | + | THE BEST AND CHEAPEST. | + | | + | 256 BROADWAY. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | $2 to ALBANY and TROY. | + | | + | The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and | + | Daniel Drew, commencing May 31, will leave | + | Vestry st. Pier at 8.45, and Thirty-fourth st. at 9 a.m., | + | landing at Yonkers, (Nyack, and Tarrytown | + | by ferry-boat), Cozzens, West Point, Cornwall, | + | Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, | + | Bristol, Catskill, Hudson, and New-Baltimore. | + | A special train of broad-gauge cars | + | in connection with the day boats will leave on arrival | + | at Albany (commencing June 20) for Sharon | + | Springs. Fare $4.25 from New York and for | + | Cherry Valley. The Steamboat Seneca will transfer | + | passengers from Albany to Troy. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | ESTABLISHED 1866. | + | JAS R. NICHOLS, M.D. WM. J. ROLFE. A.M. | + | Editors | + | | + | | + | Boston Journal of Chemistry. | + | | + | | + | Devoted to the Science of | + | HOME LIFE, | + | The Arts, Agriculture, and Medicine. | + | $1.00 Per Year. | + | _Journal and Punchinello (without Premium)._ $4.00 | + | | + | | + | SEND FOR SPECIMEN-COPY | + | Address--JOURNAL OF CHEMISTRY, | + | 150 CONGRESS STREET, BOSTON. | + | | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY L. STEPHENS, | + | | + | ARTIST, | + | | + | No. 160 FULTON STREET, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | GEO. B. BOWLEND, | + | | + | Draughtsman & Designer | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | Room No. 11, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District +court of the United States, for the Southern District of New York. + + * * * * * + +THE +MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +AN ADAPTATION, + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + +CHAPTER XII. + +A NIGHT OF IT WITH MCLAUGHLIN. + +Judge SWEENEY, with a certain supercilious consciousness that he is +figuring in a novel, and that it will not do for him to thwart the +eccentricities of mysterious fiction by any commonplace deference to the +mere meteorological weaknesses of ordinary human nature, does not allow +the fact that late December is a rather bleak and cold time of year to +deter him from taking daily airings in the neighborhood of the +Ritualistic churchyard. Since the inscription of his epitaph on his late +wife upon her monument therein, the churchyard is to him a kind of +ponderous work of imagination with marble leaves, to which he has +contributed the most brilliant chapter; and when he sees any stranger +hovering about a part of the outer railings from whence the inscription +may be read, it is with all the swelling pride of an author who, having +procured the publication of some dreary article in a magazine, is thrown +into an ecstacy of vanity if he sees but one person glance at that +number of the periodical on a news-stand. + +Since his first meeting with Mr. BUMSTEAD, on the evening of the +epitaph-reading, Judge SWEENEY has cultivated that gentleman's +acquaintance, and been received at his lodgings several times with +considerable cordiality and lemon-tea. On such occasions, Mr. BUMSTEAD, +in his musical capacity, has sung so closely in Judge SWEENEY'S ear as +to tickle him, a wild and slightly incoherent Ritualistic stave, to the +effect that Saint PETER'S of Rome, with pontifical dome, would by ballot +Infallible be; but for making Call sure, and Election secure, Saint +Repeater's of Rum beats the See. With finger in ear to allay the +tickling sensation, JUDGE SWEENEY declares that this young man smelling +of cloves is a person of great intellectual attainments, and understands +the political genius of his country well enough to make an excellent +Judge of Election. + +Walking slowly near the churchyard on this particular freezing December +evening, with his hands behind his bank, and his eyes intent for any +envious husband who may be "with a rush retiring," monumentally +counselled, after reading the Epitaph, Judge SWEENEY suddenly comes upon +Father DEAN conversing with SMYTHE, the sexton, and Mr. BUMSTEAD. Bowing +to these three, who, like himself, seem to find real luxury in open-air +strolling on a bitter night in midwinter, he notices that his model, the +Ritual Rector, is wearing a new hat, like Cardinal's, only black, and is +immediately lost in wondering where he can obtain one like it short of +Rome. + +"You look so much like an author, Mr. BUMSTEAD, in having no overcoat, +wearing your paper collar upside down, and carrying a pen behind your +ear," Father DEAN is saying, "that I can almost fancy you are about to +write a book about us. Well, Bumsteadville is just the place to furnish +a nice, dry, inoffensive domestic novel in the sedative vein." + +After two or three ineffectual efforts to seize the end of it, which he +seems to think is an inch or two higher than its actual position, Mr. +BUMSTEAD finally withdraws from between his right ear and head a long +and neatly cut hollow straw. + +"This is not a pen, Holy Father," he answers, after a momentary glance +of majestic severity at Mr. SMYTHE, who has laughed. "It is only a +simple instrument which I use, as a species of syphon, in certain +chemical experiments with sliced tropical fruit and glass-ware. In the +precipitation of lemon-slices into cut crystal, it is necessary for the +liquid medium to be exhausted gradually; and, after using this cylinder +of straw for the purpose about an hour ago, I must have placed it behind +my ear in a moment of absent-mindedness." + +"Ah, I see," said Father DEAN, although he didn't. "But what is this, +Judge SWEENEY, respecting your introduction of MCLAUGHLIN to Mr. +BUMSTEAD, which I have heard about?" + +"Why, your Reverence, I consider JOHN MCLAUGHLIN a Character," responds +the Judge, "and thought our young friend of the organ-loft might like to +study him." + +"The truth is," explains Mr. BUMSTEAD, "that Judge SWEENEY put into my +head to do a few pauper graves with JOHN MCLAUGHLIN, some moonlight +night, for the mere oddity and dampness of the thing.--And I should +regret to believe," added Mr. BUMSTEAD, raising his voice as saw that +the judiciary was about to interrupt--"And I should really be loathe to +believe that Judge SWEENEY was not perfectly sober when he did so." + +"Oh, yes--certainly--I remember--to be sure," exclaims the Judge, in +great haste; alarmed into speedy assent by the construction which he +perceives would be put upon a denial. "I remember it very distinctly. I +remember putting it into your head--by the tumblerful, if I remember +rightly." + +"Profiting by your advice," continues Mr. BUMSTEAD, oblivious to the +last sentence, I am going out to-night, in search of the moist and +picturesque, with JOHN MCLAUGHLIN--" + +"Who is here," says Father DEAN. + +OLD MORTARITY, dinner-kettle in hand and more mortary than ever, indeed +seen approaching them with shuffling gait. Bowing to the Holy Father, he +is about to pass on, when Judge SWEENEY stops him with-- + +"You must be very careful with your friend, BUMSTEAD, this evening, JOHN +MCLAUGHLIN, and see that he don't fall and break his neck." + +"Never you worry about Mr. BUMSTEAD, Judge," growls OLD MORTARITY. "He +can walk further off the perpendicklar without tumbling than any +gentleman I ever see." + +"Of course I can, JOHN MCLAUGHLIN," says Mr. BUMSTEAD, checking another +unseemly laugh of Mr. SMYTHE'S with a dreadful frown. "I often practice +walking sideways, for the purpose of developing the muscles on that +side. The left side is always the weaker, and the hip a trifle lower, if +one does not counteract the difference by walking sideways +occasionally." + +A great deal of unnecessary coughing, which follows this physiological +exposition, causes Mr. BUMSTEAD to breathe hard at them all for a +moment, and tread with great malignity upon Mr. SMYTHE'S nearest corn. + +While yet the sexton is groaning, OLD MORTARITY whispers to the +Ritualistic organist that he will be ready for him at the appointed hour +to-night, and shuffles away. After which Mr. BUMSTEAD, with the I hollow +straw sticking out fiercely from his ear, privately offers to see Father +DEAN home if he feels at all dizzy; and, being courteously refused, +retires down the turnpike toward his own lodgings with military +precision of step. + +When night falls upon the earth like a drop of ink upon the word Sun, +and the stars glitter like the points of so many poised gold pens all +ready to write the softer word Moon above the blot, the organist of St. +Cow's sits in his own room, where his fire keeps-up a kind of aspenish +twilight, and executes upon his accordeon a series of wild and mutilated +airs. The moistened towel which he often wears when at home is turbaned +upon his head, causing him to present a somewhat Turkish appearance; and +as, when turning a particularly complicated corner in an air, it is his +artistic habit to hold his tongue between his teeth, twist his head in +sympathy with the elaborate fingering, and involuntarily lift one foot +higher and higher from the floor as some skittish note frantically +dodges to evade him, his general musical aspect at his own hearth is +that of a partially Oriental gentleman, agonizingly laboring to cast +from him some furious animal full of strange sounds. Thus engaging in +desperate single combat with what, for making a ferocious fight before +any recognizable tune can he rescued from it, is, perhaps, the most +exhausting instrument known to evening amateurs and maddened +neighborhoods, Mr. BUMSTEAD passes three athletic hours. At the end of +that time, after repeatedly tripping-up its exasperated organist over +wrong keys in the last bar, the accordeon finally relinquishes the +concluding note with a dismal whine of despair, and retires in complete +collapse to its customary place of waiting. Then the conquering +performer changes his towel for a hat which would look better if it had +not been so often worn in bed, places an antique black bottle in one +pocket of his coat and a few cloves in the other; hangs an unlighted +lantern before him by a cord passing about his neck, and, with his +umbrella under his arm, goes softly down stairs and out of the house. + +Repairing to the marble-yard and home of OLD MORTARITY, which are on the +outskirts of Bumsteadville, he wanders through mortar-heaps, monuments +brought for repair, and piles of bricks, toward a whitewashed residence +of small demensions with a light at the window. + +"JOHN McLAUGHLIN, ahoy!" + +In response, the master of the mansion promptly opens the door, and it +is then perceptible that his basement, parlor, spare-bedroom and attic +are all on one floor, and that a couple of pigs are spending the season +with him. Showing his visitor into this ingeniously condensed +establishment, he induces the pigs to retire to a corner, and then dons +his hat. + +"Are you ready, JOHN MCLAUGHLIN?" + +"Please the pigs, I am, Mr. BUMSTEAD," answers MCLAUGHLIN, taking down +from a hook a lantern, which, like his companion's, he hangs from his +neck by a cord. "My spirits is equal to any number of ghosts to-night, +sir, if we meet 'em." + +"Spirits!" ejaculates the Ritualistic organist, shifting his umbrella +for a moment while he hurriedly draws the antique bottle from his +pocket. "You're nervous to-night, J. MCLAUGHLIN, and need a little of +the venerable JAMES AKER'S West Indian Restorative.--I'll try it first +to make sure that I haven't mistaken the phial." + +He rests the elongated orifice of the diaphanous flask upon his lips for +a brief interval of critical inspection, and then applies it +thoughtfully to the mouth of OLD MORTARITY. + +"Some more! Some more!" pleads the aged MCLAUGHLIN, when the Jamaican +nervine is abruptly jerked from his lips. + +"Silence! Com on," is the stern response of the other, who, as he moves +from the house, and restores the crystal antiquity to its proper pocket, +eats a few cloves by stealth. His manner plainly shows that he is +offended at the quantity the old man has managed to swallow already. + +Strange indeed is the ghastly expedition to the place of skulls, upon +which these two go thus by night. Not strange, perhaps, for Mr. +MCLAUGHLIN, whose very youth in New York, where he was an active +politician, found him a frequent nightly familiar of the Tombs; but +strange for the organist, who, although often grave in his manner, +sepulchral in his tones, and occasionally addicted to coughin', must be +curiously eccentric to wish to pass into concert that evening with the +dead heads. + +Transfixed by his umbrella, which makes him look like a walking cross +between a pair of boots and a hat, Mr. BUMSTEAD leads the way athwart +the turnpike and several fields, until they have arrived at a low wall +skirting the foot of Gospeler's Gulch. Here they catch sight of the +Reverend OCTAVIUS SIMPSON and MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON walking together, +near the former's house, in the moonlight, and, instantaneously, Mr. +BUMSTEAD opens his umbrella over the head of OLD MORTARITY, and drags +him down beside himself under it behind the wall. + +"Hallo! What's all this?" gasps Mr. MCLAUGHLIN, struggling affrightedly +in his suffocating cage of whalebone and alpaca. "What's this here old +lady's hoop-skirt doing on me?" + +"Peace, wriggling dotard!" hisses BUMSTEAD, jamming the umbrella tighter +over him. "If they see us they'll want some of the West Indian +Restorative." + +Mr. SIMPSON and MONTGOMERY have already heard a sound; for they pause +abruptly in their conversation, and the latter asks: "Could it have been +a ghost?" + +"Ask it if it's a ghost," whispers the Gospeler, involuntarily crossing +himself. + +"Are you there, Mr. G.?" quavers the raised voice of the young +Southerner, respectfully addressing the inquiry to the stone wall. + +No answer. + +"Well," mutters the Gospeler, "it couldn't have been a ghost, after all; +but I certainly thought I saw an umbrella. To conclude what I was +saying, then,--I have the confidence in you, Mr. MONTGOMERY, to believe +that you will attend the dinner of Reconciliation on Christmas eve, as +you have promised." + +"Depend on me, sir." + +"I shall; and have become surety for your punctuality to that excellent +and unselfish healer of youthful wounds, Mr. BUMSTEAD." + +More is said after this; but the speakers have strolled to the other +side of the Gospeler's house, and their words cannot be distinguished +Mr. BUMSTEAD closes his umbrella with such suddenness and violence as to +nearly pull off the head of MCLAUGHLIN; drives his own hat further upon +his nose with a sounding blow; takes several wild swallows from his +antique flask; eats two cloves, and chuckles hoarsely to himself for +some minutes. "Here, 'JOHN MCLAUGHLIN," he says, at last "try a little +more West Indian Restorative, and then we'll go and do a few skeletons." + +(_To be Continued_.) + + * * * * * + +What is Likely to be Raised some day, regarding the Pneumatic +Tunnel. + +TUBAL. CAIN. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration. PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE.] + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +In order to make this department of PUNCHINELLO as complete as possible, +we have secured the services of the most competent authorities in +literature, art, the sciences in general, history, biography, and the +vast vague unknown. The answers furnished by us to our correspondents +may therefore be relied upon as being strictly accurate. + + _Scales_.--How old was DANIEL LAMBERT at the time of his death? + +_Answer_.--736 lbs. + + _Ignoramus_.--Why were the Roman _Saturnalia_ so called? + +_Answer_.--The proper spelling of the word is _Sauternalia_. They were +wine feasts; and the vintage most in favor at them was Haut Sauterne. + + _Chasseur_. Is the antelope to be classed among the goat family? + +_Answer_.--No. MOORE calls it a "deer gazelle." + + _Armiger_.--Is "arm's length" a recognized measure? + +_Answer_.--Yes. It is a _Standard_ measure, as may be seen in the way +that journal is getting ahead of the _Sun_, which it keeps at arm's +length. + + _Molar_.--Yes; burnt Cork is an excellent dentifrice. It should not + be applied to the teeth of children, however, as it is apt to impart an + Irish accent, or, in extreme cases, even a negro dialect. + + _Bookworm_.--Do two negatives always constitute an affirmative? + +_Answer_.--That depends upon the price charged by the photographer. + + _Sunswick_--Is it true that JAMES FISK, Jr., has purchased Baden and + another German Duchy? + +_Answer_.--No: but he could have both if he wanted two. + + _Rockland_.--Who are the suffering persons represented in DORE'S + remarkable picture of DANTE and VIRGIL visiting the frozen ward of the + _Inferno_? + +_Answer_.--The Knickerbocker Ice Company. + + _Solitaire_.--On what day did the Fourth of July fall in the year 1788? + +_Answer_.--On the Fourth. + + _James Lobbs_.--How long ago is it since desiccated soup first came + into use? + +_Answer_.--At least as long ago as the days of CROMWELL, whose advice to +his troops was "Put your trust in Providence, and keep your chowder +dry." + + _Bach_.--Is the practice of divorce a mark of civilization? + +_Answer_--It is. In the Gorilla family, (the nearest approach to the +human,) divorce is not practiced, but it is in Indiana, which is usually +considered to be a State of Civilization. + + * * * * * + +PAT TO THE QUESTION. + +Our law-makers in Congress--or rather law-cobblers, for few of them have +risen to the dignity of makers--are asked to repeal the _per cap_. duty +imposed by California on all Chinamen imported there. + +The Californians have the authority of Congress itself, for this duty. +By reference to "HEYL'S Rates of Duties on Imports," page 36, art. 691, +under head of "Act of June 30, 1864, chap. 171," "An act to increase +Duties on Imports," etc., we find "on paddy one cent and a half per +pound." Now if a good-sized Irishman pays $2.25, why shouldn't a +"Celestial" pay as much in proportion to the weight of his _corpus_? + + * * * * * + +Contradictory. + +It appears that, by a joint resolution of Congress, the use of "that +first-class humbug and fraud, the whiskey meter," has been abolished. +Now there are dozens of members of Congress who are not only +"first-class humbugs and frauds," but whiskey meters, to whom whiskey is +both meat and drink, and yet who ever heard of their proposing to +abolish themselves? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: STAY-AT-HOME PEOPLE + +FOLKS MAY NOT BE ABLE TO GO TO NEWPORT OR LONG BRANCH, BUT THEY CAN +ALWAYS CREATE A LOCAL SENSATION BY TAKING A FOOT-BATH IN THE BACK-YARD.] + + * * * * * + +MURPHY THE CONQUEROR + +BY CORPORAL QUINN. + + Come tip us your fist, then, yer sowl you; + Since iver I come from the wars + The like wasn't heerd. Fill the bowl you + Bowld sons of MILESIUS and MARS; + And dhrink to ould Ireland the turfy + That's shmilin' out there in the say, + Wid three cheers for the conqueror MURPHY. + Whoo! America's ours from to-day. + + Och! SAYZAR he walloped the Briton, + The Tarthars leap't China's big wall, + ALEXANDTHUR did half the wurld sit on, + But niver touched Ireland at all. + At Clontarf ould BOBU in the surf he + Sint tumblin' the murdtherin' Danes-- + But, yer sowl, the brave conqueror MURPHY + Takes the shine out of all of their panes. + + ULYSSES has made him Collecthor, + (Sich choppin' o' heads ne'er was seen;) + Sure the hayro will make me Inspecthor + Whin there's so many "wigs on the green." + And we'll be night-watchmen uproarious, + Wid big badges on our coats, + And we'll fight for TOM MURPHY the glorious, + Wid our fists, our guns, and our votes. + + At the Custom House, Dutchman and Yankee + Are thryin' to talk wid a brogue, + They're all _Irish_, now--fat, lean, or lanky, + And green are the neckties in vogue. + They're thracin' themselves to some DURPHY, + O'NEILL, or McCANN, or O'TAAFFE, + I'll go bail the bowld conqueror MURPHY + 'S too owld to be caught wid sich chaff. + + Now Dutchmin may go to the divil, + And Yankees to Plymouth's ould rock, + We'll blast it, if they are not civil; + While boys of the raal ould stock + Will hurroo for ould Ireland the turfy. + Whoo! Jibralthar is taken to-day, + Our commandther's the conqueror MURPHY-- + Now a tiger and nine times hoorray! + + * * * * * + +COMIC ZOOLOGY. + +Genus Culex.--The American Mosquito + + +Few American birds are better known than the mosquito. In common with +the woodcock, snipe, and other winged succubi, it breeds in wet places, +yet is always dry. Like them it can sustain life on mud juleps, but +prefers "cluret." It is a familiar creature, seems to regard the human +family as its Blood relations, and is always ready to sucker them. + +Being a bird of Nocturnal Habits, it is particularly attracted to human +beings in their Night-shirts. The swallow preys upon it, but it +generally eludes the Bat. Although it cannot be called Noctilucous, like +the lightning bug, it has no objection to alight in the darkness, and +you often knock till you cuss in your vain attempts to prevent its +taking a Shine to you. + +The mosquito differs in most respects from all the larger varieties of +the winged tribes, and upon the whole takes after man more than any +other living thing. Nevertheless, it certainly bears a noticeable +resemblance to some of the feathered race. Like the Nightingale, it +"sings darkling," and like the woodpecker, is much addicted to tapping +the bark of Limbs and Trunks for the purpose of obtaining grub. It may +be mentioned as an amiable idiosyncracy of the mosquito, that it is fond +of babies. If there is a child in the house, it is sure to spot the +playful innocent; and by means of an ingenious contrivance combining the +principles of the gimlet and the air-pump, it soon relieves the little +human bud of its superfluous juices. It is, in fact, a born surgeon, a +Sangrado of the Air, and rivals that celebrated Spanish Leech in its +fondness for phlebotomy. Some infidels, who do not subscribe to the +doctrine that nothing was made in vain, consider it an unmitigated +nuisance, but the devout and thoughtful Christian recognizes it as +Nature's preventive of plethora, and as it alternately breathes a Vein +and a song, it may be said (though we never heard the remark,) to +combine the _utile_ with the _dulce_. + +All the members of the genus are slender and graceful in their shape and +Gnatty in their general appearance. The common mosquito is remarkable +for its strong attachments. It follows man with more than canine +fidelity, and in some cases, the dog-like pertinacity of its affection +can only be restrained by Muslin. It is of a roving disposition, seldom +remaining settled long in one locality; and is Epicurean in its +tastes--always living, if possible, on the fat of the land. As the +mosquito produces no honey, mankind in general are not as sweet upon it +as they are upon that bigger hum-bug, the buzzy bee; yet it is so far +akin to the bee, that, wherever it forages, it produces something +closely resembling Hives. + +Few varieties of game are hunted more industriously than this, yet such +is the fecundity of the species, that the Sportsman's Club has not as +yet thought it necessary to petition the legislature for its protection. + +The New Jersey Mosquito is the largest known specimen of the genus, +except the Southern Gallinipper, which is only a few sizes smaller than +the Virginia Nightingale, and raises large speckles similar to those of +the Thrush. Ornithologists who wish to study the habits of the mosquito +in its undomesticated or nomad state, may find it in angry clouds on the +surface of the New Jersey salt marshes at this season, in company with +its teetering long-billed Congener, the Sandsnipe. + +During the last month of summer it reigns supreme in the swamps west of +Hoboken, the August Emperor of all the Rushes, and persons of an +apoplectic turn, who wish to have their surplus blood determined to the +surface instead of to the head, will do well to seek the hygienic insect +there. + + * * * * * + +An Apt Quotation. + +The name "Louvre" has now been adopted by several places of +entertainment in New York and its suburbs. A Boston gentleman, who +visited seven of them a night or two since, under the escort of a +policeman, declares that, by a slight alteration of a line of MOORE's, +New York may be well described as-- + +"A place for Louvres, and for Louvres only." + + * * * * * + +THE WATERING PLACES. + +Punchinello's Vacations. + +Mr. PUNCHINELLO puts up at the Atlantic Hotel when he goes to Cape May; +and if you were to ask him why, he would tell you that it was on account +of the admirable water-punches which JOHN McMAKIN serves up. To be sure +these mixtures do not agree with Mr. P., but he likes to see people +enjoying themselves, even if he can't do it himself. It is this +unselfish disposition, this love of his fellow-men, that enables him to +maintain that constant good humor so requisite to his calling. In fact, +though Mr. P. often says sharp things, he never gets angry. When, on +Thursday of last week, he was walking down the south side of Jackson +street, and a man asked him did he want to buy a bag, Mr. P. was not +enraged. He knew the man took him for a greenhorn, but then the man +himself was a Jerseyman. It is no shame to be a greenhorn to a +Jerseyman. Quite the reverse. Mr. P. would blush if he thought there +lived a "sand-Spaniard" who could not take advantage of him. So Mr. P. +bought the bag, and because it was made of very durable canvas, and +would last a great while, he paid a dollar for it. + +He did not ask what it was for. He knew. It was to put Cape May Diamonds +in! He put the bag in his pocket and walked along the beach for three +miles. You can't walk more than three miles here, and if you hire a +carriage you will find that you can't ride less than that distance. +Which makes it bad, sometimes. However, when Mr. P. had finished his +three miles, he didn't want to go any further. He stopped, and gazing +carelessly around to see that no one noticed him, pulled out his canvas +bag and did shuffle a little in the sand with his feet. He might +find some diamonds, you know, just as likely as any of the hundreds of +other people, who, in other sequestered parts of the beach, were pulling +out other canvas bags, and shuffling in the sand with other feet. At +length Mr. P. shuffled himself into a very sequestered nook indeed, and +there he saw a man smoking. His melancholy little boy was sitting by his +side. Perceiving that it was only General GRANT, Mr. P. advanced with +his usual grace and suavity of manner. + +"Why, Mr. President!" said he, "I thought you would be found at Long +Branch this season." + +"Long--thunder!" ejaculated the General, his face as black as the ace of +spades, (which, by the way, is blue.) "I might go to Nova Zembla for a +quiet smoke, and some sneaking politician would crawl out from the ice +with a petition. I went fishing in Pennsylvania, and I found twenty of +those fellows to every trout. However, I don't mind you. Take a seat and +have a cigar." + +[Illustration.] + +Mr. P. took the seat, (which was nothing to brag of,) and a cigar, +(which would have been a great deal to brag of, if he had succeeded in +smoking it,) and, after a whiff or two, asked his companion how it was +that he came to send such a message to Congress about Cuba. + +"What message?" said GRANT, absently. + +Mr. P. explained. + +"Oh," said GRANT, "that one! Didn't you like it? CALEB CUSHING wrote it +and brought it to me, and I signed it. If you had written one and +brought it to me, I would have signed that. 'Tisn't my fault if the +thing's wrong. What would you expect of a man?" + +Mr. P. concluded that in this case it was ridiculous to expect anything +else, and so he changed the subject. + +That afternoon Mr. P. bathed. + +He went to SLOAN'S and fitted himself out in a bathing suit, and very +lovely he looked in it, when he emerged from the bathing house at +high tide. With a red tunic; green pants; and a very yellow hat, he +resembled a frog-legged Garibaldian, ready for the harvest. + +When he hurried to the water's edge, he hesitated for a moment. The +roaring surf was so full of heads, legs, arms, back-hair, hats and feet, +that he feared there was no room for him. However, he espied a vacancy, +and plunged into the briny deep. + +How delicious! How cool! How fresh! How salt! How splendid! + +He struck out with his legs; he struck out with his arms; he dived with +his whole body. He skimmed beneath the green waters; he floated on the +rolling wave-tips; he trod water; he turned heels over head in the +emerald depths; and thus, gamboling like an Infant Triton, he passed out +beyond the breakers. It was very pleasant there. Being a little tired, +he found the change from the surging waves to the gentle chuck and flop +of the deep water, most delightful. Languidly, to rest himself, he threw +his arm over a rock just peeping above the water. But the rock gave a +start and a yawn. + +It was a sleeping shark! + +The startled fish opened his eyes to their roundest, and backed water. + +So did Mr. P. + +For an instant they gazed at each other in utter surprise. Then the +shark began slowly to sink. Mr. P. knew what that meant. The monster was +striving to get beneath him for the fatal snap! + +Mr. P. sank with him! + +With admirable presence of mind he kept exactly even with the fish. + +[Illustration.] + +At last they reached the bottom. + +Mr. P. was nearly suffocated, but he determined that he would strangle +rather than rise first. The shark endeavored to crawl under him, but Mr. +P. clung to the bottom. + +The fish then made a feint of rising, but, in an instant, Mr. P. had him +around the waist! + +The affrighted shark darted to the surface, and Mr. P. inhaled at least +a gallon of fresh air. Never before had oxygen tasted so good! + +On the surface the struggle was renewed, but Mr. P. always kept +undermost. + +At last they rested from the contest, and lay panting on the surface of +the water, glaring at each other. + +The shark, who was a master of _finesse_, swam out a little way, to +where the water was deeper, and then slowly sank, intending, if Mr. P. +followed him again to the bottom, to stay there long enough to drown the +unfortunate man. But Mr. P. knew a trick worth two of that. + +_He didn't follow him at all_! He swam towards shore as fast as he +could, and when the shark looked around, to see if he was coming, he was +safe within the line of surf. + +Need it be said that when he reached dry laud, Mr. P. became a hero with +the crowds who had witnessed this heroic struggle? + +That evening, as Mr. P. sat upon the portico of his hotel, there came +unto him, in the moonlight, a maiden of the latest fashion. + +"Sir," she softly murmured "are you the noble hero who overcame the +shark?" + +Mr. P. looked up at her. + +Her soft eyes were dimmed with irresponsible emotion. + +"I am," said he. + +The maiden stood motionless. Her whole frame was agitated by a secret +struggle. + +At length she spoke. + +"Is there a Mrs. P.?" she softly said. + +Mr. P. arose. He grasped the back of his chair with trembling hand. His +manly form quivered with a secret struggle. + +He looked upon her! + +He gazed for a moment, with glowing, passionate eyes, upon that +matchless form--upon that angelic face, and then--he clasped his brows +in hopeless agony. Stepping back, he gave the maiden one glance of +wildest love, followed by another of bitterest despair; and sank +helpless into his chair. + +[Illustration.] + +The maiden leaned, pale and trembling, against a pillar; but hearing the +approach of intruders, she recovered herself with an effort. + +"Farewell," she whispered. "I know! I know! There _is_ a Mrs. P.!"--and +she was gone. + +Mr. P. arose and slipped out into the night, shaken by a secret +struggle. He laid upon the sand and kicked up his heels. + +_There isn't any_ Mrs. P.! + +Mr. P. does not wish to sweep his hand rudely o'er the tender chords of +any heart, but he wants it known that he is neither to be snapped up by +sharks in the sea, or by young women at watering places. + + * * * * * + +A DOG'S TALE. + +Dogmatic. + +I am only a dog, I admit; but do you suppose dogs have no feeling? I +guess if you were kicked out of every door-way you ran into, and driven +away from every meat stand or grocery you happened to smell around, you +would think you had feelings. + +When I see some dogs riding in carriages, looking so grandly out of the +windows, or others walking along proudly by the side of their owners, I +have a feeling of dislike for the very thought of liberty! + +I sometimes go with the crowd to a lecture-room, and listen to the +speeches about freedom and liberty, the hatred of bondage, and all that +sort of thing. I get my tail up, and wish I could tell them what liberty +really is. There is nothing worse in the world than this running around +loose, with no one to look after you, and no one for you to look after; +no one to notice you when you wag your tail, and to have no occasion for +so doing. You go out and you come in, and nobody cares. If you never +come back, no one troubles himself about you. + +Every day I hear men reading in the papers about some lucky dogs having +strayed, or having been stolen, a large reward being offered for their +recovery: and I envy each lost dog! I wonder who would advertise for me +if I got lost! Alas! no one. They would not give me a bone to bring me +back, or to keep me from drowning myself. But every boy in the street +thinks he has a right to throw stones at me; and tie tin-kettles to my +tail; and chase me when I have had the good luck to find a bone; and to +set big dogs upon me to worry me when I am faint from hunger and haven't +much pluck; and worse than all, chase me and cry "Ki-yi," when I am +almost dying of thirst! + +If you only knew how hard it is for a poor dog to make his way in the +world, with no one to help him to a mouthful of food, you would feel +sorry for us. + +But I think we might get along better if it wasn't for the scarcity of +water. I hardly know a spot in the city where I can get a drink; and +many a time I have gone all day without a drop. + +If I happen to hang out my tongue and droop my tail, my ears are saluted +with "Mad dog! Let's kill him!" You need not wonder I sometimes turn +round, and snap at my pursuers. I think you would snap, too, if you were +chased through street and lane and alley, till your blood was in a +perfect fever, and you hardly knew which way you were running! I have, +on many such occasions, actually run past a beautiful bone that lay +handy on the side-walk, and never stopped to smell it. + +Oh! I wish some one would take me prisoner, and continue to own me, and +keep me in bondage as long as I lived! I should only be too happy to +give up my liberty, and settle down and be a respectable dog! + + * * * * * + +A Bute-Iful Idea. + +The Marquis of Bute denies that he is going to return to the Protestant +fold. With reference to the rumor, the Pope stated in the Ecumenical +Council that "the Bute was on the right leg at last, and that he would +launch his thunder against him who should dare that Bute displace." + + * * * * * + +WHAT IS IT? + +As the shades of night descend (in the neighborhood of Mecklenburg, +N.C.,) and harmless domestic animals begin to compose themselves to +sleep, suddenly the drowsy world is awakened by a roaring like that of a +lion! It proceeds from the forest, in whose bosky recesses (as the +Mecklenburgers suppose) some terrible creature proclaims his hunger and +his inclination to appease it with human flesh! All night long the +quaking denizens of that hamlet lie and listen to the roaring, which is +an effectual preventive of drowsiness, as the moment any one begins to +be seized with it he also begins to fancy he is about to be seized and +deglutinated by the horrid monster! Naturalists are positive it is not +the Gyascutis, but admit that a Megatherium may have lately awakened +from the magnetic sleep of ages, with the pangs of a mighty hunger +tearing his wasted viscera. + +If our theory is correct, the good people of Mecklenburg (was it not in +Mecklenburg that the agitation for Independence began?) may be assured +that deliverance from this unreasonable Dragon is possible. We think it +more than likely that it is simply GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN practicing for +the next invasion of Great Britain. Nothing could be more harmless. One +Ku-Kluxian youth, armed with a double-barrelled shot-gun, four +bowie-knives, and a number of revolvers, could rout him instantly, and +even check the flow of his vociferous eloquence so suddenly as to put +him in imminent danger of asphyxia. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RETRIBUTION. + +THE BOYS OF SAN FRANCISCO, EXASPERATED AT THE CONVERSION OF THEIR DOGS +INTO PIE, TIE KETTLES TO THE TAILS OF THE CHINAMEN.] + + * * * * * + +Giving the Cue. + +"Is that one of your Chinese _belles_? asked Mr. PUNCHINELLO of Mr. +KOOPMAN-SCHOOP, as one of the newly-imported yallagals passed. + +"Yes," replied Mr. K. "You can always tell a Chinese bell from a Chinese +gong by the bell-pull attached to it." + +Mr. P. immediately presented his _chapeau_ to Mr. K. + + * * * * * + +HINTS FOR--THOSE WHO WILL TAKE THEM. + +Mr. PUNCHINELLO: Your invaluable "Hints for the Family," published some +time since, seem destined to work a revolution in our domestic economy; +as the plans you propose must win the admiration of housekeepers by +their extreme simplicity, aside from any other motives to their +adoption. I have myself tested several of your methods, and find that +you speak from thorough and circumstantial knowledge of your subject In +bread-making, for instance, we find that when the cat reposes in the +dough, it (the dough) will not rise, though the cat does. But in the +clock manufacture, we fear you have divulged one of the secrets of the +trade. + +Your little invention for carrying a thread should be recommended to +students and other isolated beings, notwithstanding their unaccountable +propensity to pierce other substances than the cloth. They would find +driving the needle through much facilitated by a skilful use of the +table formerly described. + +Permit me to make a few additional suggestions. + +Get some worsted and a pair of needles; set up from twenty to forty +stitches, more or less, and knit till you are tired. When finished--(the +knitting)--draw out the needles and bite off the thread. You will thus +have made an elegant lamp-mat, of the same color as the worsted, and the +very thing for a Christmas present to your grandmother. + +This is a very graceful employment, and a great favorite with ladies; in +fact, some ladies seem so infatuated with work of that kind, that, +according to the new theory of the Future, a fruition of fancy-work will +be amongst their other blissful realizations. And so, after surveying +Deacon QUIRK'S spiritual potato fields, or perhaps some fresh +(spiritual) manifestation of Miss PHELPS'S piety and intelligence, we +may have the pleasure of seeing the sun and moon hung with tidies, and a +lamp-mat under each star. + +Take your rejected sketches and compositions, cut them in strips two or +three inches wide, and as long as the paper will permit. Fold these +strips lengthwise as narrow as possible, and smooth the edges down flat +with your finger. When finished, or perhaps before, you will find you +have made a bunch of excellent lamp-lighters. + +Get a suit of clothes--broadcloth is the best--and a pair of boots to +stand them in. Button the coat, and insert in the neck any vegetable you +choose, so that it be large enough, (one of the drum-head species is the +best,) and finish with a hat You will then find, doubtless to your +surprise and delight, that you have a man, or an excellent +substitute for one, equal, if not superior to the genuine article, +warranted to be always pleased with his dinner, and never, necessarily, +in the way. Some people may object to its lack of intelligence, as +compared with the original, but careful investigation has shown that the +difference is very slight; yet, admitting even this to be a positive +fault, it is amply counterbalanced by negative merits. Your +correspondent who writes about "The Real Estate of Woman," will be +relieved to find that the threatened dearth in husbands can be so +readily obviated. + +Very truly, + +ANN O. BLUE. + + * * * * * + +For Singers, Only. + +What is the best wine for the voice? + +Canary. + + * * * * * + +A Chop-House Aphorism. + +Customers who fee waiters may always be sure of their Feed. + + * * * * * + +Washy. + +The daily papers tell us that "Sixty-Eight Thousand persons visited the +public baths during last week." + +They went in--a week lot--and came out sixty-eight thousand strong. + + * * * * * + +Constructive Genius. + +"A poor woman in Utica, who owns three houses and is building another, +sends her children into the streets daily to beg." + +Quite right. While the youngsters beg in the streets, let the +enterprising old lady go on and begin another house. + + * * * * * + +A Result of the Mongol. + +Owing to the influx of Chinamen into this country, the edict against +allowing dogs to run at large during the Summer has been relaxed. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BOMBASTES BONAPARTE: + +NOW PERFORMING AT THE THEATRE FRANCAIS. + +"He who would these Boots displace +Must meet BOMBASTES face to face."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEW PANDORA'S BOX. + +REPRESENTATIVE MANUFACTURER, (_springing open Chinese surprise +box_.)--"THERE!--WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT LITTLE JOKER?" + +KNIGHT OF ST. CRISPIN.--"PSHAW! THAT'S A MEAN TRICK: WAIT TILL I OPEN +_MY_ BOX!"] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN ON THE CHINESE. + +He write a letter to the North Adams Shoe Manufacturer.--New Occupation +for the "Coming Man." + + +NSBORO, NYE ONTO VARMONT, _July the 11th_, 18-_Seventy_. + +MISTER SAMPSON: + +Selestial sir:--I take my goose quil in hand to rite you a letter. I +like your stile--you soot me. I myself have been an old Statesman, +having served my country for 4 years as Gustise of the Peece, raisin' +sed offis to a higher standard than usual, as well as raisin' an +interestin' family of eleven healthy children. Upon the linements of +their countenance the features and stamp of GREEN stands out in bold +relief. They are all genuine Green-bax. + +A little cloud no bigger than a man's hand made its appearance over the +golden streets of San Francisco. + +It is growin' bigger, and afore we know it, will be bigger than a white +elefant. + +You have ceased the dilemer by the horn which hangs suspended from the +dilemer's head, like the tail of a kite. + +While you have set the Chinees peggin' away puttin' bottoms on shoes, a +great many are peggin' away "putin' a head onto you." + +In the present statis of things you want to blow up your nerve, and +stand as firm as the rox of Jiberalter, and like BYRON exclaim: + + "To be or not to be, there's the question;-- + Whether a man feels better to pay big wages for shoemakers, + Or to suffer the slings and arrows of everybody, + By hirin' Pig-tails for 1/2 price?" + +Poleticians of the different churches don't endorse our Selestial +brother. But, sir, I'll venter a few dollars, that if the children of +the son--and dorter--leaned towards either party, he would be gobled up +quicker'n scat, even if he come red hot from old LUCIFER, with a pocket +full of free passes, for the whole nashun, to the Infernal regions. + +That's so. A vote's a vote, if it comes from Greenland's coral strand or +Afric's icy mountains. I feel a good deal towards you as a nabor of +mine, named JOE BELCHER, once did. + +JOE likes his tod, and can punish as much gin and tansy as a New York +alderman can, when drinkin' at the sity's expense. + +JOE went to camp meetin' last week, and, I am pained to say it, JOSEF +got drunker than a biled owl. + +While one of the brethern was preachin', JOE sot on a pine log tryin' to +make out wether the preacher was a double-headed man, or whether 2 men +were holdin' forth. + +"Who'll stand up for the carpenter's Son?" sed the preacher. + +This made JOE look around. + +The question was again repeated. + +Again JOE looked around for an answer. + +Again the preacher said: "Who'll stand up for Him?" + +JOE by this time had got onto his feet, and was steadyin' himself by +holdin' onto a tree, while he sung out: + +"I say (hic!) ole feller, Ile stand up (hic!) for him, or any 'orrer man +who hain't got any (hic!) more fren's than he has (hic!) in this 'ere +crowd." + +I feel a good deal as JOE did. Anybody who hain't got any more frends +than you have, Mr. SAMPSON, has my sympathy. + +For bringin' these _hily morril_ and _refined_ Monongohelians to +Massachusetts is a big feather in your cap, and you will receive your +reward bime-bye. + +"The wages of sin is death." + +But the wages of a Chinyman is money in a man's pocket. They work cheap. + +I am trying to get the Chinese substituted for canal hosses. + +A man here by the name of SNYDER, who runs a canal Hoss to our Co., +talks of sendin' for a lot. + +Won't they be bang up with their cues hitcht to a canal bote snakin' it +along at the rate of a mile inside of 2 hours. "G'lang! Tea leaf." + +Then when they was restin' from their labors, by tyin' 2 of 'em together +by their cues, stand one opposite the other and hang close between 'em +to dry, on washin' day. + +What an aristocratic thing Chiny close-line posts would be. The only +drawback that I know of is, that the confounded posts mite some day walk +off with all the close. + +But, sir, if they served me in that manner, I would cover the ground +with broken crockery by smashin' their old Chiny mugs for 'em. + +Since you've awoken to _notorosity_, I have been studdyin' out your +family pedigree. + +I find your Antsisters are connected with long hair more or less, same +as you be with Chiny pig-tails. + +Old SAMPSON the first's strength, like your'n of to-day, lade in his +long hair. + +He could cut off more heads, and slay more Fillistians with the jaw bone +of a member of Congress than the President of these U.S. can by makin' a +new deal in the Custom house department. + +And, sir, I reckon about these days, we are getting rather more of that +same kind of jaw bone than is healthy. + +I am afrade not. + +Mrs. SAMPSON worked like a kag of apple sass in hot weather, to find out +where her old man's strength was. When she found out, what did she do? +Why, she got a pair of sheep shears and cropped him closer'n a state +prison bird, and tryin' to lift a house full of fokes, it fell onto him +and smashed him. + +Like LOT'S wife, she'd orter been turned into a pillow of salt, and then +the pillow had orter been sewed up and cast into the sea. + +Another of the SAMPSONS wouldn't even chop off MARIAR ANTERNETTE'S head +until her hair had been cut off, so he could peel her top-knot off slick +and cleen. + +Lookin' back at these cheerful antsisters of your'n, it's no wonder you +go in for long haired labor. It runs in the SAMPSON blood. + +The public is cussin' you from DANIEL to BEEBSHEBER, because you've +brought a lot of modern Philistines to Massachusetts. + +Let 'em cus. + +That's their lay. + +Your'n is, to bild up a fortin, if Poor-houses for white laborers to +live in is thicker in North Adams than goose pimples on a fever and ager +sufferer's form. + +As old Grandma SAMPSON cut off her old man's long hair, so she could +handle him in one of them little fireside scrimmages which we married +fokes enjoy, so fokes would crop you, my hi toned old Joss stick. + +But I've writ more'n I intended to. I would like to have you come and +make us a visit. + +Bring along your wife, DELIAL. Tell her to bring her croshay work. + +Mrs. GREEN is interestin' company among wimmen. + +What MARIAR don't know about her nabors, don't happen. + +Then her veel pot-pies and ingin puddins are just rats. + +She can nock the spots off from any woman who wears a waterfall, gettin' +up a good square meal. + +Anser soon, and don't forget to pay your own postige. + +Hopin' you are sound on the goose and able to enjoy your _Swi lager und +Sweitzer_, + +I am thine, old hoss, + +HIRAM GREEN, Esq., + +Lait Gustise of the Peece. + + + * * * * * + + +TREATMENT FOR POTATO BUGS. + +Mr. CLARK JOHNSON, of Pendleton, Indiana, not at all discouraged by the +signal failures of many previous campaigns against the Bug, has entered +the (potato) field with a new weapon, viz.: a mixture of Paris Green and +Ashes. Applied frequently, as a Top Dressing, this gentle stimulant +imparts a new energy to the vine, and also to the Bug, who thus becomes +so vigorous, and at the same time restless, that an uncontrollable +impulse seizes him to visit the home of his ancestors, (Colorado.) Here, +as is supposed by Mr. JOHNSON, the fictitious energy that had been +supplied by the Mixture deserts the immigrant, who now settles down +contentedly, nor ever roams again. + +As (owing to the present facilities of freighting, etc.,) the Potatoes +of Pendleton may eventually find the New York market, which always +invites the superior esculent, we would like to suggest to Mr. JOHNSON +that this Mixture be administered to the Bug with a spoon, and not +sprinkled promiscuously on the ground. We have drank Tea with a "green +flavor," and found it comparatively innocuous; but Potatoes with a green +flavor, (especially if flavored by the JOHNSONIAN method,) we should +consider as doubtful, to say the least. It is the general impression +that there is nothing Green in Paris; but your house painter knows there +is such a thing as Paris Green, and that it is the oxyde of copper. +Therefore, should one eat many of the potatoes nourished as above, we +should expect to see him gradually turning into a Bronze Statue--a fate +which, unless he were particularly Greeky and nice-looking, we should +wish to anticipate, if possible, in the interests of art. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MR. SWACHENBACKER, OF THE AIRY 'UN SOCIETY, CREATES A +SENSATION AMONG THE LADY BATHERS AT "THE BRANCH," BY APPEARING AMONG +THEM AS A MERMAN, WITH A REAL LOOKING-GLASS AND A FALSE TAIL.] + + * * * * * + +Fashionable Intelligence. + +Two colors that once were fashionable in the Parisian _toilette_, viz.: +BISMARCK brown and Prussian blue, are now excluded from court circles, +by command of the Empress. + + * * * * * + +Weather or No. + +Most remarkable in the history of mathematics are the calculations +published by the weather-prophet of the _Express_. Arithmetic turns pale +when she glances at them, and, striking her multiplication table with +her algebraic knuckles, demands to know why the _Express_ does not add a +Cube-it to its THATCHER. + + * * * * * + +Comparative Industry. + +It is reported that "the journeymen lathers demand four dollars per +day." As a question of comparative soap, the latherers will in due time +strike too. The ultimatum will be-"Raise our pay or we drop the Razor." + + * * * * * + +"Omnibus Hoc," etc. + +What is the difference between theft in an omnibus and the second deal +at cards? + +One is a Game of the Stage, and the other is a Stage of the Game. + + * * * * * + +OUR AGRICULTURAL COLUMN. + +Memorabilia of "What I Know About Farming." + +Profound subjects should be well meditated upon. A man may write about +"New America," or "Spiritual Wives," or any such light and airy subject, +without possessing much knowledge, or indulging in much thought, but he +can't play such tricks upon Agriculture. She is very much like a donkey: +unless you are thoroughly acquainted with her playful ways, she will +upset you in a quagmire. Perhaps it is due to my readers that I should +say here that I have read a great many valuable treatises upon this +subject, among which may be named, "Cometh up as a Flour," "Anatomy of +Melon-cholly," "Sowing and Reaping," one thousand or two volumes of +Patent Office Reports, and three or four bushels of "Proverbial +Philosophy." I would also add, that I invariably remain awake on clear +nights, and think out the ideas set down in this column. Probably you +may not be able to find traces of all that labor here, but I assure you +that those books are more familiar to me than is my catechism. However, +anybody who thinks he knows more about vegetables than I do, can send me +a letter containing his information, and, if I don't cabbage it, I will +plant it carefully in the bottom of the waste paper basket. We now +proceed to consider. + +PAR'S NIPS. + +This vegetable always flourishes in a moist soil, though it generally +has a holy horror of _aqua pura_. Some of them are of an immense size; I +have seen them fill a tumbler. Producers, however, generally charge more +for the large ones than for the small. The size of the nip usually +depends upon the par. It may be that your par's nip is extremely small, +while JOHN SMITH'S par's nip is very large. Four fingers is, I believe, +considered to be the regulation size. + +This vegetable is served up in a variety of forms. Some pars like it +with milk; in that case it is generally "hung up." In the winter it is +often called a sling or a punch; in the summer it is denominated a +cobbler or a jew-lip. Perhaps it would be well for those who love it, to +indulge in par's nip now, for some people say, that in the days of the +"coming man" there will be no par's nips. It must be admitted that the +father of a family, who indulges too freely in par's nip, is very likely +to run to seed, and to plant himself in such unfruitful places as the +gutter. If he be a young par, he may become a rake, and fork over his +money, and then ho! for the alms-house. + +Numerous efforts have been made to suppress this vegetable, among which +may be reckoned, "Father, dear Father, come home with me now," Brother +GOUGH'S circus, and the parades of the F.M.T.A.B. Societies. Maine and +Vermont Neal together in the front rank of its opponents. In Boston they +tried to suppress this vegetable, but, if you followed your par to a +store and heard him order a cracker, you could smell par's nip. + +Among the mild varieties of this article may be mentioned benzine, +camphene and kerosene; the next strongest kind is called Jersey +lightning; but, if you desire par's nips in their most luxuriant form, +go to Water street and try the species known as "rot-gut." + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +Poetry is the exclusive birthright of no age of people. The dirtiest +Hindoo sings to his _fetish_ the songs of the Brahmin muse, with as keen +a relish as the most devout Christian does the hymns of Dr. WATTS. +Melody comes of Heaven, and is a gift vouchsafed to all generations, and +all kinds of men. In proof of this, let us adduce a single extract from +the great epic of the Hawaiian poet, POPPOOFI, entitled "Ka Nani E!" + + Ka nani e! ka nani e! + Alohi puni no + Mai luna, a mai lalo nei, + A ma na mea a pau. + +We would call the attention of our readers particularly to the sublime +sentiment of the second line. "Alohi puni no," sings the peerless +POPPOOFI, and where, in the pages of that other Oriental HOMER, the +Persian HAFI, can be found anything half so magnificent? There may be +critics bigoted enough to think that the last line destroys the effect +of the other three; but _we_ don't. PUNCHINELLO would much rather +discover the good in a thing at any time, than go a-fishing on Sundays. + +It is not in the nature of a properly constituted human being to lay his +hand upon his heart and chant: + + "Ka nani e! Ka nani e!" + +in the presence of his mother-in-law, without feeling that life is not +so miserable as some people would make it out. In the words of ALEXANDER +SELKIRK'S man FRIDAY: "_Palmam qui meruit ferat_." + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +Emmet is a name which has heretofore been associated in the public mind +with the Negro Minstrel business. Certain weird barbaric melodies, which +defy all laws of musical composition, but which haunt one like a dream +of a lonely night on some wild African river, are said to have been +written by "OLD EMMET." Is there any such person? Has any one actually +seen "OLD EMMET" in the flesh, and with--say a high hat and a cotton +umbrella? For my part I disbelieve in the popular theory of the origin +of these EMMETIC melodies which stir one so strangely. They are not the +work of any earthly song writer, but are born of some untuned Eolian +harp played upon by uncertain breezes, that murmur the memory of +tropical groves and sigh with the sadness of exile. There is no "OLD +EMMET." If there is, let him be brought forward--not to be chucked out +of the window, as Mrs. F.'s AUNT might suggest,--but to be thanked and +wondered at as an inchoate OFFENBACH, who might, under other +circumstances, have written an American opera-bouffe, or, better still, +as a possible CHOPIN, who might have written a second "March Funebre" as +hopeless and desolate and fascinating as that of the despairing and +poetic Pole. (I am coming to "FRITZ" in a moment, but I won't be hurried +by any one.) + +As for JOSEPH K. EMMET, he is an undoubted reality. If you don't believe +it, go to WALLACK'S and see him. Somebody discovered this EMMET in the +Pastoral privacy of the Bowery. Mr. GAYLER was made to write a play for +him, and EMMET, the Bowery Minstrel, straightway became Mr. JOSEPH K. +EMMET, the renowned impersonator of "FRITZ." He plays "FRITZ" at +WALLACK'S every evening, and the entertainment is something of this +nature. + +ACT I.--_Scene, the outside of Castle Garden. Enter baggage-smashers, +emigrant-runners, aldermen, and other criminals_. + +RUNNER. "There's a ship a' comin' up. I'll lay for the Dutchmen." + +BOBBIT. (_A concert-saloon manager_.) "There's a ship coming up. I'll +lay for the Dutch girls." + +DISSOLUTE COLONEL. "There's a ship coming up. I want you two fellows to +look out for a Dutchman named "FRITZ," who is onboard. He takes care of +a girl, KATRINA, whom I adore. Carry off FRITZ and I'll carry off the +girl." + +(_Various emigrants enter and are hustled off by the runners_. FRITZ +_and_ KATRINA _finally appear_.) + +FRITZ. "Ja. Das ist gut. Ach himmel; zwei bier und Limburger." + +(_The runners seize his trunk and carry it off. The_ DISSOLUTE COLONEL +_hurries_ KATRINA _into a coach and carries her off_. FRITZ _is carried +away by his emotions. Curtain_.) + + +ACT II.--_Scene, a boarding-house parlor. Enter_ DISSOLUTE COLONEL +and KATRINA. + +DISSOLUTE COLONEL. "You are in my power. Be mine, and you shall have as +many bonnets and things as you can wish. Refuse, and I'll send every +reporter in the city to interview you." + +KATRINA. "Base villain! I despise you. Let the torturers do their +worst." + +(_Enter_ FRITZ, _disguised as a member of the Sorosis_.) + +KATRINA. "You here! Be cautious. The hash is drugged. Save me, my +beloved." + +FRITZ. "Ja. Das ist nicht gut. Herr Colonel, Ich bin KATRINA'S aunt. Ich +habe gekommen to take her away wid me, ye owdacious spalpeen." + +DISSOLUTE COLONEL. "Glad to see you. Take some hash, madam?" + +FRITZ. "Ja. Das ist gut. Take some yourself, you murtherin' thafe of the +worruld." + +(_The_ DISSOLUTE COLONEL _forgets that the hash is drugged. He takes it +and falls insensible_. FRITZ _and_ KATRINA _escape. Scene changes to +Judge_ DOWLING'S _court-room_.) + +FRITZ. (_Having left off his Sorosis disguise_.) "Ja. Das is nicht gut. +Behold, O wise young judge, the misguided person who put my trunk in his +pocket and ran away with it." + +JUDGE. "Prove your case." + +FRITZ. "Ja. Das ist gut. Begar! I proves him _toute de suite_--what you +call to wunst. You see those Limburger cheese in the villain's mouth. He +got them out of my trunk. So you see I have him ein thief geproven." + +JUDGE. "Your case is proved. Let the prisoner be removed." + +FRITZ. "Ja. Das ist sehr gut. Now I'm a gwine to de saloon, where dis +niggah has a ningagement for to sing." + +(_Scene changes to a concert saloon_. FRITZ _enters and goes through an +entire programme of negro minstrelsy, to the wild delight of the +gallery. At last the lazy curtain slowly consents to fall_.) + + +ACT III.--The DISSOLUTE COLONEL _come to grief, and_ FRITZ _marries_ +KATRINA. If you want to know all about it, go to the theatre. I don't +intend to ruin the establishment by giving the public the whole play for +the ridiculous sum which is charged for this copy of PUNCHINELLO. The +third act is the last of the play, and when the curtain fells, the +audience immediately proceeds to pick EMMET to pieces. + +BOY IN THE GALLERY. "Ain't he just tip, though? I've seen him lots o' +times at TONY PASTOR'S, and I allers knowed he'd be a big thing if the +Bowery or thishyer theatre got a hold on him." + +YOUNG LADY. "Isn't it frightfully low? The idea of Mr. WALLACK +permitting this negro minstrelsy in his theatre. To be sure Mr. EMMET is +funny; but I hate to see people funny in this place." + +OLD GENTLEMAN. "My dear! don't be absurd. Suppose Mr. EMMET has been a +minstrel, is that any proof that he can't be an actor? The young fellow +has his faults, but they will wear off in time, and he is brimful of +real talent. The play isn't a model of excellence, but it was made to +show EMMET'S strong points, and it answers its purpose. Shall we cry +down a talented and promising young actor simply because he has been a +minstrel, and now has the audacity to play at WALLACK'S? And besides, +haven't we seen pantomime, and legs, and LOTTA, and DAN BRYANT at +WALLACK'S? You never objected to any of the illegitimacies that have +preceded FRITZ;--why then should you begin now? Give EMMET and GAYLER a +chance. At any rate they can make you laugh, which is something that +BOUCICAULT with his '_Lost at Sea_' did not do." + +MATADOR. + + + * * * * * + + +A PARABLE ABOUT THE TWELFTH OF JULY. + +In a far distant land, beyond the sea, there dwelt an Orange Lily. +Separated from it by a very absurd and useless ditch, a Green Shamrock +spread its trefoil leafage to the sun, and grew greener every day. Now, +in course of time, a very ill feeling sprang up between the Lily and the +Shamrock, on account of color, the former despising the latter because +it was green, and the latter hating the former because it was orange--as +if both colors hadn't lived together in the rainbow ever since the +aquatic excursion of old Mr. NOAH, without ever falling out of it or +with each other. In time they both crossed the sea, and took root in a +far-away land, where they became acquainted with a very remarkable +animal called the American Beaver. + +The industry of this creature urged the Lily to toil and spin, contrary +to its usual habits, while the Shamrock converted its trifoliated leaves +into shovels, and took a contract for excavating the hemisphere. And so +they might have jogged on very well together, but for their stupid way +of showing their colors when there was no occasion for it. This greatly +disgusted their friend, the American Beaver, who didn't care a pinch of +snuff about color, (black is not a color, you know,) but who went in for +faithful and persistent work. One beautiful Twelfth of July, the Lily +arose very early in the morning, and, shaking out her orange leaves, +defied the Shamrock to "come on." The Shamrock came on. There was a +vegetable howl, and clash, and clangor in the air, and the Lily, having +knocked off several of the Shamrocks' greenest leaves, went to its +friend, the American Beaver, for comfort and support. But the American +Beaver, instead of countenancing the Lily, said: "Look here, Lily, I +guess you are about the greatest fool I ever _did_ see, except, perhaps, +the Shamrock. As long as you two stick to your work, instead of sticking +out your colors and sticking your knives into each other, I am very glad +to have you for neighbors, but now that you have shown yourselves to be +jack-asses instead of vegetables, I would not give an American Beaver +dam for the two of you." + + * * * * * + +CONDENSED CONGRESS. + +SENATE. + +A pleasant philosopher tells us that blessings brighten as they take +their flight. The flight of Congress may be regarded as a blessing. But +Congressmen do not brighten. PUNCHINELLO listens in vain for the swan +song of SUMNER, and looks longingly, without being gratified by the +spectacle of the oratorical funeral pyre of NYE. Almost the only gleam +of humor he discerns in his weekly wading through the watery and windy +wastes of the Congressional Globe is a comic coruscation by Mr. CAMERON. + +Mr. McCREERY had had the abominable impudence to introduce +a bill relieving the disabilities of a few friends of his in Kentucky. +Mr. CAMERON objected upon the ground that one of these persons was named +SMITH, and used to be a New York Street Commissioner. Any man who had +been a New York Street Commissioner ought to be hanged as soon as any +decent pretext could be found for hanging him. (Murmurs of approbation +from the New York reporters.) Still this was not his main objection to +SMITH. The SMITH family had furnished more aid and comfort to the rebel +army than any other family in the South. No SMITH should, with his +consent, be permitted to participate in the conduct of a Government +which so many SMITHS had conspired to overthrow. Moreover, this was an +incorrigible SMITH. It was an undisputed fact that SMITH had given up a +lucrative office to follow his political convictions. Such a man could +not be viewed by Senators with any other feelings than those of horror +and disgust. Let them reflect what would be the effect of polluting this +body, as by this bill it was proposed to make it possible to do, with a +man so dead to all the common feelings of our nature that he would set +up his own conceits against the practice of his fellow-Senators, and the +rewards of a grateful country. This settled the fate of SMITH, but the +rest of Mr. McCREERY's friends, being obscure persons, were let in, in +spite of the "barbaric yaup" of DRAKE, who said that the next thing +would be a proposition to enact a similar outrage in Missouri, and +thereby abet the efforts of the bold bad men who were trying to get him +out of his seat. + +HOUSE. + +SCHENCK insisted upon the Tariff. He had been visited by +delegations from the great heart of the nation, who assured him that the +great heart of the nation yearned for an immediate increase of the duty +on various articles which competed with the articles manufactured by the +members of the delegation. No longer ago than yesterday a manufacturer +of double-back-action jack-planes had assured him that the +single-forward-action jack-planes poured upon our shores by the pauper +labor of Europe, were, so to speak, shaving off the edge of the national +life. A gentleman whose name was known to the uttermost parts of the +civilized world, who had shed new lustre upon the American name by the +great boon he had bestowed upon mankind in the American self-filling +rotary Bird of Freedom inkstand with revolving lid, had said, with the +tears of patriotic shame and sorrow in his eyes, that there were +recreant writers who preferred to purchase the Birmingham inkstand, +which required to be filled, did not rotate, and had no revolution to +its lid, at fifty cents, than to secure his own triumph of American +ingenuity at ten dollars. Such misguided men must be taught their duty +to their native land. Mr. SCHENCK moved an increase to 4,000 per cent, +_ad valorem_ on the foreign jack-plane, which he characterized as a Tool +of Tyranny, and the Birmingham inkstand. The thing was done. + +Mr. DAWES said he was disgusted. Everybody's jobs were put through +except his. He threatened to go home and tell his constituents. + +Mr. PETERS suggested that Mr. DAWES had better go out and take "suthin' +soothin'." (Mr. PETERS is from Maine, and his remark will probably be +understood there.) If he might be pardoned the liberty he would +recommend a little ice in it. + +Mr. DAWES said he could do his own drinking. As for PETERS, he scorned +him. Moreover, PETERS was one-eyed. + +Mr. PETERS appealed to his record to show that he had two eyes. He did +not understand the anger of Mr. DAWES. Of course when he suggested a +drink, he assumed the responsibility of paying for it. + +Mr. DAWES said that altered the case entirely. He took pleasure in +withdrawing his hasty remarks, and in assuring the House that he +profoundly venerated PETERS, and that PETERS had two perfect eyes of +unusual expressiveness. + +Mr. BINGHAM called attention to the case of Mr. PORTER, who had been +smitten on the nose by a vile creature whom he declined to drink with. +This was a blow at the national life, and he thought the punishment of +treason was imperatively demanded. + +Mr. BUTLER said he had been kicked once. He assured the House that the +sensation was repugnant to his feelings as a man--much more as a +Congressman. He moved to amend by substituting slow torture. + +It was finally resolved to put the wretch in irons and feed him on bread +and water. + + + * * * * * + + +A Drowsy Con. + +When a man is sleepy, what sort of transformation does he desire? + +He wishes he were a-bed. + + + * * * * * + + + An Anecdote of the good old Square Kind. + +MRS. PRINGLEWOOD, having been afflicted with a chimney that smoked, sent +for a chimney-doctor to cure it. + +When the cure had been thoroughly effected, says Mrs. PRINGLEWOOD to the +chimney-doctor: "My son, a boy of but fourteen, smokes awful; couldn't +you cure him as you did the chimney?" + +"No I couldn't, marm," returned the chimney-doctor, who was a wag: "but +I see what you're arter, marm--you want me to teach him to draw!" + + + * * * * * + + +O Deer, Deer! + +_Trichinoe_ are said to have been discovered in the flesh of Oregon +deer. If this should prove true, Oregon venison must be anything but a +benison; but it is more than likely that the report originated in the +fact that there is in the East Indies a species of the cervine family +known as the Hog deer. + + + * * * * * + + +Scientific Intelligence. + +We learn from exchanges that in Missouri, where the wages of +working-people average five dollars _per diem_, that the Legislature +have decreed a Mining Bureau, and a Geological Survey of the State--the +remuneration of the assistant geologists to be at the rate of $1.50 _per +diem_. Why should these learned geologists waste their time for a +compensation so mean? Let them rather convert their surveying-staffs +into ox-goads, and turn their attention to Gee-haw-logy,--'twill pay +better than t'other thing. + + + * * * * * + + +Men and Manners + +The following paragraph, cut from a newspaper, suggests a good deal: + +"A Hindoo cabby, before mounting the box and taking the reins, always +first prays that his driving may be to the glory of his God." + +Now this is precisely what the New York hackman invariably does before +he gathers up the reins and urges on his "galled jades." He curses his +horses, his passengers, and his own eyes, and thus commends his driving +to the glory of _his_ God, whose other name is LUCIFER. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | Are offering | + | | + | A SPLENDID ASSORTMENT | + | OF THE | + | LATEST PARIS NOVELTIES. | + | IN | + | | + | ROMAN. ECOSSAIS, CARREAUX. | + | BROCHE, CHINE, GROS | + | GRAIN AND TAFFETA | + | | + | SASH RIBBONS, | + | IN THE MOST DESIRABLE WIDTHS AND | + | SHADES OF COLOR. Also, | + | | + | Velvet Ribbons, Trimming Ribbons, | + | Neckties, &c., &c. | + | | + | _Great Inducements to Purchasers_. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. STEWART & Co. | + | | + | Are Offering | + | | + | Extraordinary Bargains | + | IN | + | LADIES' PARIS AND DOMESTIC READY-MADE | + | Silk, Grenadine, Swiss Muslin, | + | Victoria Lawn, Linen | + | and Pique | + | | + | Suits, Robes, and Dresses, | + | | + | Children's Linen and Pique Garments, | + | In the Greatest Variety, | + | | + | Embroidered Collars, CUFFS, LACES, | + | Real LAMA LACE POINTS, | + | DRESSES &c., &c. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Steward & Co. | + | | + | Are closing out their stock of | + | FRENCH, ENGLISH, AND DOMESTIC | + | CARPETS, | + | | + | Oil Cloths, Rugs, Mats, Cocoa and Canton | + | Mattings, &c., &c., | + | | + | At a Great REDUCTION IN PRICES. | + | | + | _Customers and Strangers are Respectfully_ | + | | + | INVITED TO EXAMINE, | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. STEWART &CO. | + | | + | Offer the following | + | | + | Extraordinary Inducements | + | | + | IN PRICES TO PURCHASERS, | + | | + | In order to close the following portion of their Stock: | + | | + | Striped Checks, & Broche Poplinettes, | + | Only 50 cts. per Yard. | + | | + | Heavy Black and White Check Silks, | + | 75 cts. per Yard, value $1.50. | + | | + | Real Gaze de Chambrey, | + | 75 cts. per Yard, formerly $2. | + | | + | Striped Mongoline Silks (a Beautiful | + | Article for Costumes), | + | $1 per Yard, formerly $2 | + | | + | A LARGE QUANTITY OF | + | | + | STRIPED & CHECKED SILKS, | + | | + | This Season's Importation, $1 per Yard. | + | A great Variety of the | + | | + | NEW ROUBAIX SILKS, 56 INCHES WIDE, $1.25 | + | per Yard. | + | | + | RICH CHANGEABLE SILKS, Light Colors, 24 Inches | + | Wide, $1.75. | + | | + | EXTRA HEAVY PONGE SILKS, ONLY $1.60 per | + | Yard, formerly $2.50. | + | | + | A LARGE ASSORTMENT OF | + | | + | Plain Colored POULTS DE SOIES, TAFFETTAS, | + | FAILLES, &c., &c., | + | | + | Choice Shades of Color. | + | | + | _AN IMMENSE STOCK OF_ | + | | + | BLACK SILKS, | + | | + | At Prices Lower Than Ever. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Ave., 9th and 10th Sts. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +PUNCHINELLO. + +The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly Paper +was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The Press and the Public in +every State and Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper of +the kind ever published in America. + +CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL. + +Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) ............... $4.00 + + " " six months, (without premium,) ............................ 2.00 + + " " three months, " ............................ 1.00 + +Single copies mailed free, for .............................. .10 + +We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S +CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows: + + +A copy of paper for one year, and + +"The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chromo. +Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,) for ...................... $4.00 + + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $3.00 chromos: + +Wild Roses. 12-1/8 x 9. +Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-3/8. +Easter Morning. 6-3/4 x 10-1/4--for ..................... $5.00 + + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $5.00 chromos: + +Group of Chickens; Group of Ducklings: Group of Quails. +Each 10 x 12-1/8. + +The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14 + +The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-3/4 x 13. + +Pointer and Quail: Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12--for ... $6.50 + + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $6.00 chromos: + +The Baby in Trouble; The Unconscious Sleeper; The Two +Friends. (Dog and Child.) Each 13 x 16-1/4. + +Spring; Summer; Autumn; 12-7/8 x 16-1/8. + +The Kid's Play Ground. 11 x 17-1/2--for ................. $7.00 + + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $7.50 chromos: + +Strawberries and Baskets. + +Cherries and Baskets. + +Currants. Each 13 x 18. + +Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4. + +Six Central Park Views. (A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2--for ........... $8.00 + + +A copy of paper for one year and + +Six American Landscapes. (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, +price $9.00--for .............................................. $9.00 + + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the +following $10 chromos: + +Sunset in California. (Bierstadt) 18-1/2 x 12 + +Easter Morning. 14 x 21. + +Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/4 x 16-3/8. + +Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromos,) +15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), for $10.00 + +Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank Checks on New +York, or Registered letters. The paper will be sent from the first +number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise ordered. + +Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents +per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS will be +_mailed free_ on receipt of money. + +CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be given. For +special terms address the Company. + +The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the +paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any +one desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage +stamp. + +Address, + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New York. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Caption: THE COMING MILLENNIUM, +WHEN EVERYTHING IS TO BE CHEAP, AND THE WHITE MAN WILL STARVE.] + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Tourists and leisure Travelers will be find to learn that | + | the Erie Railway Company has prepared | + | | + | COMBINATION EXCURSION OR Round Trip Tickets, | + | | + | Valid during the entire season, and embracing Ithaca-- | + | headwaters of Cayuga Lake--Niagara Falls, Lake Ontario, the | + | River St. Lawrence, Montreal, Quebec, Lake Champlain, Lake | + | George, Saratoga, the White Mountains and all principal | + | points of interest in Northern New York, the Canadas, and | + | New England. Also similar Tickets at reduced rates, through | + | Lake Superior, enabling travelers to visit the celebrated | + | Iron Mountains and Copper Mines of that region. By applying | + | at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. 241, 529 and | + | 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich St.; cor. 125th | + | St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton St., Brooklyn; | + | Depots foot of Chambers Street, and foot of 23rd St., New | + | York; No. 3 Exchange Place, and Long Dock Depot, Jersey | + | City, and the Agents at the principal hotels, travelers can | + | obtain just the Ticket they desire, as well as all the | + | necessary information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "The Printing--House of the United States." | + | | + | | + | GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., | + | | + | General JOB PRINTERS, | + | | + | BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, | + | STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail, | + | LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers. | + | COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, | + | CARD Manufacturers, | + | ENVELOPE Manufacturers. | + | FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. | + | | + | 163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., | + | 73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New York. | + | | + | ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under | + | immediate supervision of the proprietors. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," "Water-Lilies," | + | "Chas. Dickens." PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art and | + | Bookstores throughout the world. PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED | + | CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp. | + | | + | L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs,, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage | + | stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance ....................... $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies .......................................... .10 | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten | + | cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine | + | or paper, price, $2.50, for ................. 5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for.. 7.00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | P. O. Box, 2783. NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | + | | + | The New Burlesque Serial, | + | | + | Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | BY | + | | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, | + | | + | Commenced in No. 11. will be continued weekly throughout the | + | year. | + | | + | A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, | + | with superb illustrations of | + | | + | 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | + | TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY. | + | | + | 2ND. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE taken | + | as he appears "Every Saturday." will also be found in the | + | same number. | + | | + | * * * * * | + | | + | Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from this | + | office, free,) Ten Cents. | + | | + | Subscription for One Year, one copy, with $2 Chromo Premium. | + | $4. | + | | + | * * * * * | + | | + | Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | + | serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | + | receipt weekly. | + | | + | We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one | + | who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | + | receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | P. O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau St., New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +GEO. W, WHEAT & Co, PRINTER, NO. 8 SPRUCE STREET. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 18, July 30, +1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 18 *** + +***** This file should be named 10014.txt or 10014.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/0/1/10014/ + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze +and PG Distributed Proofreaders + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use & Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS," WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Each eBook is in a subdirectory of the same number as the eBook's +eBook number, often in several formats including plain vanilla ASCII, +compressed (zipped), HTML and others. + +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks replace the old file and take over +the old filename and etext number. The replaced older file is renamed. +VERSIONS based on separate sources are treated as new eBooks receiving +new filenames and etext numbers. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + +EBooks posted prior to November 2003, with eBook numbers BELOW #10000, +are filed in directories based on their release date. If you want to +download any of these eBooks directly, rather than using the regular +search system you may utilize the following addresses and just +download by the etext year. + + http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/etext06 + + (Or /etext 05, 04, 03, 02, 01, 00, 99, + 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90) + +EBooks posted since November 2003, with etext numbers OVER #10000, are +filed in a different way. The year of a release date is no longer part +of the directory path. The path is based on the etext number (which is +identical to the filename). The path to the file is made up of single +digits corresponding to all but the last digit in the filename. For +example an eBook of filename 10234 would be found at: + + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/2/3/10234 + +or filename 24689 would be found at: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/4/6/8/24689 + +An alternative method of locating eBooks: + https://www.gutenberg.org/GUTINDEX.ALL + + diff --git a/old/10014.zip b/old/10014.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..18c7d34 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10014.zip |
