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diff --git a/old/10014.txt b/old/10014.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a2bfa5b --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10014.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2858 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 18, July 30, 1870, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 18, July 30, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 7, 2003 [EBook #10014] +[Date last updated: October 14, 2005] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 18 *** + + + + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze +and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO", | + | | + | to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent post-paid, | + | on receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | J.M. SPRAGUE | + | | + | Is the Authorized Agent of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | For the | + | | + | New England States, | + | | + | To Procure Subscriptions, | + | and to Employ Canvassers. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and | + | cheaper than any other Pen in the market. Special attention | + | is called to the following grades, as being better suited | + | for business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | | + | we recommend for Bank and Office use. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | Sole Agents for United States. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +Vol. I. No. 18 + +PUNCHINELLO + + +SATURDAY, JULY 30, 1870. + + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, +By ORPHEUS C. KERR, +Continued in this Number. + + +[Sidenote: See 15th Page for Extra Premiums.] + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO". | + | | + | SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO | + | | + | J. NICKINSON | + | | + | ROOM NO. 4, | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A NEW AND MUCH-NEEDED BOOK. | + | | + | MATERNITY. | + | | + | A POPULAR TREATISE | + | | + | For Young Wives and Mothers. | + | | + | BY T.S. VERDI, A.M., M.D., OF WASHINGTON, D.C. | + | | + | | + | DR. VERDI is a well-known and successful Homoeopathic | + | Practitioner, of thorough scientific training and large | + | experience. His book has arisen from a want felt in his own | + | practice, as a Monitor to Young Wives, a Guide to Young | + | Mothers, and an assistant to the family physician. It deals | + | skilfully, sensibly, and delicately with the perplexities of | + | early married life, as connected with the holy duties of | + | Maternity, giving information which women must have, either | + | in conversation with physicians, or from such a source as | + | this--evidently the preferable mode of learning, for a | + | delicate and sensitive woman. Plain and intelligible, but | + | without offense to the most fastidious taste, the style of | + | this book must commend it to careful perusal. It treats of | + | the needs, dangers, and alleviations of the time of travail; | + | and gives extended detailed instructions for the care and | + | medical treatment of infants and children throughout all the | + | perils of early life. | + | | + | As a Mother's Manual, it will have a large sale, and as a | + | book of special and reliable information on very important | + | topics, it will be heartily welcomed. | + | | + | Handsomely printed on laid paper: bevelled boards, extra | + | English cloth, 12mo., 450 pages. Price $2.25. | + | | + | _For sale by all Booksellers, or will be sent post-paid on | + | receipt of the price by_ | + | | + | J.B. FORD & CO., Publishers, | + | 39 Park Row, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | What it is Not. | + | | + | | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | | + |Merely a small student's sheet, But is the largest in N.E.| + |Merely of interest to college men, But to every one, | + |Merely a COLLEGE paper, But is a scientific paper,| + |Merely a local paper, But is cosmopolitan, | + |Merely scientific and educational, But is literary, | + |An experiment, But an established weekly | + |Conducted by students, But by graduates, | + |Stale and dry, But fresh and interesting | + | | + | It circulates in every College. | + | It circulates in every Professional School. | + | It circulates in every Preparatory School. | + | It circulates in every State in the United States. | + | It circulates in every civilized country. | + | It circulates among all College men. | + | It circulates among all Scientific men. | + | It circulates among the educated everywhere. | + | | + | July 1st a new volume commences. | + | July 1st 10,000 new subscribers wanted. | + | July 1st excellent illustrations will appear. | + | July 1st 10,000 specimen copies to be issued. | + | July 1st is a good time to subscribe. | + | July 1st or any time send stamp for a copy. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + |One year, in advance, - - - - - - - $4.00| + |Single copies (for sale by all newsdealers), - - .10| + | | + | Address | + | THE COLLEGE COURANT, | + | New Haven, Conn. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | NEWS DEALERS. | + | | + | ON | + | | + | RAILROADS, | + | | + | STEAMBOATS, | + | | + | And at WATERING PLACES, | + | | + | Will find the Monthly Numbers of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | For April, May, June, and July, an attractive and Saleable | + | Work. | + | | + | Single Copies Price 50 cts. | + | | + | For trade price address American News Co., or | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING & CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | TO NEWS-DEALER. | + | | + | Punchinello's Monthly. | + | | + | The Weekly Numbers for June, | + | | + | Bound in a Handsome Cover, | + | | + | Is now ready. Price Fifty Cents. | + | | + | THE TRADE | + | | + | Supplied by the | + | | + | AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, | + | | + | Who are now prepared to receive Orders. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | J. NICKINSON | + | | + | Begs to announce to the friends of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has | + | made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of | + | | + | ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED, | + | | + | the same will be forwarded, postage paid. | + | | + | Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing | + | Houses, can have the same forwarded by inclosing two | + | Stamps. | + | | + | OFFICE OF | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WEVILL & HAMMAR, | + | | + | Wood Engravers, | + | | + | 208 Broadway, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bowling Green Savings-Bank | + | | + | 33 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + | | + | Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M. | + | | + | | + | _Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents to Ten Thousand | + | Dollars will be received_. | + | | + | | + | Six per Cent interest, Free of Government Tax | + | | + | Commences on the First of every Month. | + | | + | | + | HENRY SMITH, _President_ | + | | + | REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary_. | + | | + | WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, _Vice-Presidents_. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FORST & AVERELL | + | | + | Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Pres | + | | + | PRINTERS, | + | | + | EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL | + | MANUFACTURERS. | + | | + | | + | Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application. | + | | + | | + | 23 Platt Street, and | + | 20-22 Gold Street, | + | [P.O. Box 2845.] | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | DIBBLEEANIA | + | | + | AND | + | | + | Japonica Juice, | + | | + | FOR THE HAIR. | + | | + | The most effective Soothing and Stimulating Compounds | + | ever offered to the public for the | + | | + | Removal of Scurf, Dandruff, &c. | + | | + | For consultation, apply at | + | | + | WILLIAM DIBBLEE'S, | + | | + | Ladies' Hair Dresser and Wig Maker. | + | | + | 854 BROADWAY, N.Y. City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FOLEY'S | + | | + | GOLD PENS. | + | | + | THE BEST AND CHEAPEST. | + | | + | 256 BROADWAY. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | $2 to ALBANY and TROY. | + | | + | The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and | + | Daniel Drew, commencing May 31, will leave | + | Vestry st. Pier at 8.45, and Thirty-fourth st. at 9 a.m., | + | landing at Yonkers, (Nyack, and Tarrytown | + | by ferry-boat), Cozzens, West Point, Cornwall, | + | Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, | + | Bristol, Catskill, Hudson, and New-Baltimore. | + | A special train of broad-gauge cars | + | in connection with the day boats will leave on arrival | + | at Albany (commencing June 20) for Sharon | + | Springs. Fare $4.25 from New York and for | + | Cherry Valley. The Steamboat Seneca will transfer | + | passengers from Albany to Troy. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | ESTABLISHED 1866. | + | JAS R. NICHOLS, M.D. WM. J. ROLFE. A.M. | + | Editors | + | | + | | + | Boston Journal of Chemistry. | + | | + | | + | Devoted to the Science of | + | HOME LIFE, | + | The Arts, Agriculture, and Medicine. | + | $1.00 Per Year. | + | _Journal and Punchinello (without Premium)._ $4.00 | + | | + | | + | SEND FOR SPECIMEN-COPY | + | Address--JOURNAL OF CHEMISTRY, | + | 150 CONGRESS STREET, BOSTON. | + | | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY L. STEPHENS, | + | | + | ARTIST, | + | | + | No. 160 FULTON STREET, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | GEO. B. BOWLEND, | + | | + | Draughtsman & Designer | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | Room No. 11, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District +court of the United States, for the Southern District of New York. + + * * * * * + +THE +MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +AN ADAPTATION, + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + +CHAPTER XII. + +A NIGHT OF IT WITH MCLAUGHLIN. + +Judge SWEENEY, with a certain supercilious consciousness that he is +figuring in a novel, and that it will not do for him to thwart the +eccentricities of mysterious fiction by any commonplace deference to the +mere meteorological weaknesses of ordinary human nature, does not allow +the fact that late December is a rather bleak and cold time of year to +deter him from taking daily airings in the neighborhood of the +Ritualistic churchyard. Since the inscription of his epitaph on his late +wife upon her monument therein, the churchyard is to him a kind of +ponderous work of imagination with marble leaves, to which he has +contributed the most brilliant chapter; and when he sees any stranger +hovering about a part of the outer railings from whence the inscription +may be read, it is with all the swelling pride of an author who, having +procured the publication of some dreary article in a magazine, is thrown +into an ecstacy of vanity if he sees but one person glance at that +number of the periodical on a news-stand. + +Since his first meeting with Mr. BUMSTEAD, on the evening of the +epitaph-reading, Judge SWEENEY has cultivated that gentleman's +acquaintance, and been received at his lodgings several times with +considerable cordiality and lemon-tea. On such occasions, Mr. BUMSTEAD, +in his musical capacity, has sung so closely in Judge SWEENEY'S ear as +to tickle him, a wild and slightly incoherent Ritualistic stave, to the +effect that Saint PETER'S of Rome, with pontifical dome, would by ballot +Infallible be; but for making Call sure, and Election secure, Saint +Repeater's of Rum beats the See. With finger in ear to allay the +tickling sensation, JUDGE SWEENEY declares that this young man smelling +of cloves is a person of great intellectual attainments, and understands +the political genius of his country well enough to make an excellent +Judge of Election. + +Walking slowly near the churchyard on this particular freezing December +evening, with his hands behind his bank, and his eyes intent for any +envious husband who may be "with a rush retiring," monumentally +counselled, after reading the Epitaph, Judge SWEENEY suddenly comes upon +Father DEAN conversing with SMYTHE, the sexton, and Mr. BUMSTEAD. Bowing +to these three, who, like himself, seem to find real luxury in open-air +strolling on a bitter night in midwinter, he notices that his model, the +Ritual Rector, is wearing a new hat, like Cardinal's, only black, and is +immediately lost in wondering where he can obtain one like it short of +Rome. + +"You look so much like an author, Mr. BUMSTEAD, in having no overcoat, +wearing your paper collar upside down, and carrying a pen behind your +ear," Father DEAN is saying, "that I can almost fancy you are about to +write a book about us. Well, Bumsteadville is just the place to furnish +a nice, dry, inoffensive domestic novel in the sedative vein." + +After two or three ineffectual efforts to seize the end of it, which he +seems to think is an inch or two higher than its actual position, Mr. +BUMSTEAD finally withdraws from between his right ear and head a long +and neatly cut hollow straw. + +"This is not a pen, Holy Father," he answers, after a momentary glance +of majestic severity at Mr. SMYTHE, who has laughed. "It is only a +simple instrument which I use, as a species of syphon, in certain +chemical experiments with sliced tropical fruit and glass-ware. In the +precipitation of lemon-slices into cut crystal, it is necessary for the +liquid medium to be exhausted gradually; and, after using this cylinder +of straw for the purpose about an hour ago, I must have placed it behind +my ear in a moment of absent-mindedness." + +"Ah, I see," said Father DEAN, although he didn't. "But what is this, +Judge SWEENEY, respecting your introduction of MCLAUGHLIN to Mr. +BUMSTEAD, which I have heard about?" + +"Why, your Reverence, I consider JOHN MCLAUGHLIN a Character," responds +the Judge, "and thought our young friend of the organ-loft might like to +study him." + +"The truth is," explains Mr. BUMSTEAD, "that Judge SWEENEY put into my +head to do a few pauper graves with JOHN MCLAUGHLIN, some moonlight +night, for the mere oddity and dampness of the thing.--And I should +regret to believe," added Mr. BUMSTEAD, raising his voice as saw that +the judiciary was about to interrupt--"And I should really be loathe to +believe that Judge SWEENEY was not perfectly sober when he did so." + +"Oh, yes--certainly--I remember--to be sure," exclaims the Judge, in +great haste; alarmed into speedy assent by the construction which he +perceives would be put upon a denial. "I remember it very distinctly. I +remember putting it into your head--by the tumblerful, if I remember +rightly." + +"Profiting by your advice," continues Mr. BUMSTEAD, oblivious to the +last sentence, I am going out to-night, in search of the moist and +picturesque, with JOHN MCLAUGHLIN--" + +"Who is here," says Father DEAN. + +OLD MORTARITY, dinner-kettle in hand and more mortary than ever, indeed +seen approaching them with shuffling gait. Bowing to the Holy Father, he +is about to pass on, when Judge SWEENEY stops him with-- + +"You must be very careful with your friend, BUMSTEAD, this evening, JOHN +MCLAUGHLIN, and see that he don't fall and break his neck." + +"Never you worry about Mr. BUMSTEAD, Judge," growls OLD MORTARITY. "He +can walk further off the perpendicklar without tumbling than any +gentleman I ever see." + +"Of course I can, JOHN MCLAUGHLIN," says Mr. BUMSTEAD, checking another +unseemly laugh of Mr. SMYTHE'S with a dreadful frown. "I often practice +walking sideways, for the purpose of developing the muscles on that +side. The left side is always the weaker, and the hip a trifle lower, if +one does not counteract the difference by walking sideways +occasionally." + +A great deal of unnecessary coughing, which follows this physiological +exposition, causes Mr. BUMSTEAD to breathe hard at them all for a +moment, and tread with great malignity upon Mr. SMYTHE'S nearest corn. + +While yet the sexton is groaning, OLD MORTARITY whispers to the +Ritualistic organist that he will be ready for him at the appointed hour +to-night, and shuffles away. After which Mr. BUMSTEAD, with the I hollow +straw sticking out fiercely from his ear, privately offers to see Father +DEAN home if he feels at all dizzy; and, being courteously refused, +retires down the turnpike toward his own lodgings with military +precision of step. + +When night falls upon the earth like a drop of ink upon the word Sun, +and the stars glitter like the points of so many poised gold pens all +ready to write the softer word Moon above the blot, the organist of St. +Cow's sits in his own room, where his fire keeps-up a kind of aspenish +twilight, and executes upon his accordeon a series of wild and mutilated +airs. The moistened towel which he often wears when at home is turbaned +upon his head, causing him to present a somewhat Turkish appearance; and +as, when turning a particularly complicated corner in an air, it is his +artistic habit to hold his tongue between his teeth, twist his head in +sympathy with the elaborate fingering, and involuntarily lift one foot +higher and higher from the floor as some skittish note frantically +dodges to evade him, his general musical aspect at his own hearth is +that of a partially Oriental gentleman, agonizingly laboring to cast +from him some furious animal full of strange sounds. Thus engaging in +desperate single combat with what, for making a ferocious fight before +any recognizable tune can he rescued from it, is, perhaps, the most +exhausting instrument known to evening amateurs and maddened +neighborhoods, Mr. BUMSTEAD passes three athletic hours. At the end of +that time, after repeatedly tripping-up its exasperated organist over +wrong keys in the last bar, the accordeon finally relinquishes the +concluding note with a dismal whine of despair, and retires in complete +collapse to its customary place of waiting. Then the conquering +performer changes his towel for a hat which would look better if it had +not been so often worn in bed, places an antique black bottle in one +pocket of his coat and a few cloves in the other; hangs an unlighted +lantern before him by a cord passing about his neck, and, with his +umbrella under his arm, goes softly down stairs and out of the house. + +Repairing to the marble-yard and home of OLD MORTARITY, which are on the +outskirts of Bumsteadville, he wanders through mortar-heaps, monuments +brought for repair, and piles of bricks, toward a whitewashed residence +of small demensions with a light at the window. + +"JOHN McLAUGHLIN, ahoy!" + +In response, the master of the mansion promptly opens the door, and it +is then perceptible that his basement, parlor, spare-bedroom and attic +are all on one floor, and that a couple of pigs are spending the season +with him. Showing his visitor into this ingeniously condensed +establishment, he induces the pigs to retire to a corner, and then dons +his hat. + +"Are you ready, JOHN MCLAUGHLIN?" + +"Please the pigs, I am, Mr. BUMSTEAD," answers MCLAUGHLIN, taking down +from a hook a lantern, which, like his companion's, he hangs from his +neck by a cord. "My spirits is equal to any number of ghosts to-night, +sir, if we meet 'em." + +"Spirits!" ejaculates the Ritualistic organist, shifting his umbrella +for a moment while he hurriedly draws the antique bottle from his +pocket. "You're nervous to-night, J. MCLAUGHLIN, and need a little of +the venerable JAMES AKER'S West Indian Restorative.--I'll try it first +to make sure that I haven't mistaken the phial." + +He rests the elongated orifice of the diaphanous flask upon his lips for +a brief interval of critical inspection, and then applies it +thoughtfully to the mouth of OLD MORTARITY. + +"Some more! Some more!" pleads the aged MCLAUGHLIN, when the Jamaican +nervine is abruptly jerked from his lips. + +"Silence! Com on," is the stern response of the other, who, as he moves +from the house, and restores the crystal antiquity to its proper pocket, +eats a few cloves by stealth. His manner plainly shows that he is +offended at the quantity the old man has managed to swallow already. + +Strange indeed is the ghastly expedition to the place of skulls, upon +which these two go thus by night. Not strange, perhaps, for Mr. +MCLAUGHLIN, whose very youth in New York, where he was an active +politician, found him a frequent nightly familiar of the Tombs; but +strange for the organist, who, although often grave in his manner, +sepulchral in his tones, and occasionally addicted to coughin', must be +curiously eccentric to wish to pass into concert that evening with the +dead heads. + +Transfixed by his umbrella, which makes him look like a walking cross +between a pair of boots and a hat, Mr. BUMSTEAD leads the way athwart +the turnpike and several fields, until they have arrived at a low wall +skirting the foot of Gospeler's Gulch. Here they catch sight of the +Reverend OCTAVIUS SIMPSON and MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON walking together, +near the former's house, in the moonlight, and, instantaneously, Mr. +BUMSTEAD opens his umbrella over the head of OLD MORTARITY, and drags +him down beside himself under it behind the wall. + +"Hallo! What's all this?" gasps Mr. MCLAUGHLIN, struggling affrightedly +in his suffocating cage of whalebone and alpaca. "What's this here old +lady's hoop-skirt doing on me?" + +"Peace, wriggling dotard!" hisses BUMSTEAD, jamming the umbrella tighter +over him. "If they see us they'll want some of the West Indian +Restorative." + +Mr. SIMPSON and MONTGOMERY have already heard a sound; for they pause +abruptly in their conversation, and the latter asks: "Could it have been +a ghost?" + +"Ask it if it's a ghost," whispers the Gospeler, involuntarily crossing +himself. + +"Are you there, Mr. G.?" quavers the raised voice of the young +Southerner, respectfully addressing the inquiry to the stone wall. + +No answer. + +"Well," mutters the Gospeler, "it couldn't have been a ghost, after all; +but I certainly thought I saw an umbrella. To conclude what I was +saying, then,--I have the confidence in you, Mr. MONTGOMERY, to believe +that you will attend the dinner of Reconciliation on Christmas eve, as +you have promised." + +"Depend on me, sir." + +"I shall; and have become surety for your punctuality to that excellent +and unselfish healer of youthful wounds, Mr. BUMSTEAD." + +More is said after this; but the speakers have strolled to the other +side of the Gospeler's house, and their words cannot be distinguished +Mr. BUMSTEAD closes his umbrella with such suddenness and violence as to +nearly pull off the head of MCLAUGHLIN; drives his own hat further upon +his nose with a sounding blow; takes several wild swallows from his +antique flask; eats two cloves, and chuckles hoarsely to himself for +some minutes. "Here, 'JOHN MCLAUGHLIN," he says, at last "try a little +more West Indian Restorative, and then we'll go and do a few skeletons." + +(_To be Continued_.) + + * * * * * + +What is Likely to be Raised some day, regarding the Pneumatic +Tunnel. + +TUBAL. CAIN. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration. PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE.] + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +In order to make this department of PUNCHINELLO as complete as possible, +we have secured the services of the most competent authorities in +literature, art, the sciences in general, history, biography, and the +vast vague unknown. The answers furnished by us to our correspondents +may therefore be relied upon as being strictly accurate. + + _Scales_.--How old was DANIEL LAMBERT at the time of his death? + +_Answer_.--736 lbs. + + _Ignoramus_.--Why were the Roman _Saturnalia_ so called? + +_Answer_.--The proper spelling of the word is _Sauternalia_. They were +wine feasts; and the vintage most in favor at them was Haut Sauterne. + + _Chasseur_. Is the antelope to be classed among the goat family? + +_Answer_.--No. MOORE calls it a "deer gazelle." + + _Armiger_.--Is "arm's length" a recognized measure? + +_Answer_.--Yes. It is a _Standard_ measure, as may be seen in the way +that journal is getting ahead of the _Sun_, which it keeps at arm's +length. + + _Molar_.--Yes; burnt Cork is an excellent dentifrice. It should not + be applied to the teeth of children, however, as it is apt to impart an + Irish accent, or, in extreme cases, even a negro dialect. + + _Bookworm_.--Do two negatives always constitute an affirmative? + +_Answer_.--That depends upon the price charged by the photographer. + + _Sunswick_--Is it true that JAMES FISK, Jr., has purchased Baden and + another German Duchy? + +_Answer_.--No: but he could have both if he wanted two. + + _Rockland_.--Who are the suffering persons represented in DORE'S + remarkable picture of DANTE and VIRGIL visiting the frozen ward of the + _Inferno_? + +_Answer_.--The Knickerbocker Ice Company. + + _Solitaire_.--On what day did the Fourth of July fall in the year 1788? + +_Answer_.--On the Fourth. + + _James Lobbs_.--How long ago is it since desiccated soup first came + into use? + +_Answer_.--At least as long ago as the days of CROMWELL, whose advice to +his troops was "Put your trust in Providence, and keep your chowder +dry." + + _Bach_.--Is the practice of divorce a mark of civilization? + +_Answer_--It is. In the Gorilla family, (the nearest approach to the +human,) divorce is not practiced, but it is in Indiana, which is usually +considered to be a State of Civilization. + + * * * * * + +PAT TO THE QUESTION. + +Our law-makers in Congress--or rather law-cobblers, for few of them have +risen to the dignity of makers--are asked to repeal the _per cap_. duty +imposed by California on all Chinamen imported there. + +The Californians have the authority of Congress itself, for this duty. +By reference to "HEYL'S Rates of Duties on Imports," page 36, art. 691, +under head of "Act of June 30, 1864, chap. 171," "An act to increase +Duties on Imports," etc., we find "on paddy one cent and a half per +pound." Now if a good-sized Irishman pays $2.25, why shouldn't a +"Celestial" pay as much in proportion to the weight of his _corpus_? + + * * * * * + +Contradictory. + +It appears that, by a joint resolution of Congress, the use of "that +first-class humbug and fraud, the whiskey meter," has been abolished. +Now there are dozens of members of Congress who are not only +"first-class humbugs and frauds," but whiskey meters, to whom whiskey is +both meat and drink, and yet who ever heard of their proposing to +abolish themselves? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: STAY-AT-HOME PEOPLE + +FOLKS MAY NOT BE ABLE TO GO TO NEWPORT OR LONG BRANCH, BUT THEY CAN +ALWAYS CREATE A LOCAL SENSATION BY TAKING A FOOT-BATH IN THE BACK-YARD.] + + * * * * * + +MURPHY THE CONQUEROR + +BY CORPORAL QUINN. + + Come tip us your fist, then, yer sowl you; + Since iver I come from the wars + The like wasn't heerd. Fill the bowl you + Bowld sons of MILESIUS and MARS; + And dhrink to ould Ireland the turfy + That's shmilin' out there in the say, + Wid three cheers for the conqueror MURPHY. + Whoo! America's ours from to-day. + + Och! SAYZAR he walloped the Briton, + The Tarthars leap't China's big wall, + ALEXANDTHUR did half the wurld sit on, + But niver touched Ireland at all. + At Clontarf ould BOBU in the surf he + Sint tumblin' the murdtherin' Danes-- + But, yer sowl, the brave conqueror MURPHY + Takes the shine out of all of their panes. + + ULYSSES has made him Collecthor, + (Sich choppin' o' heads ne'er was seen;) + Sure the hayro will make me Inspecthor + Whin there's so many "wigs on the green." + And we'll be night-watchmen uproarious, + Wid big badges on our coats, + And we'll fight for TOM MURPHY the glorious, + Wid our fists, our guns, and our votes. + + At the Custom House, Dutchman and Yankee + Are thryin' to talk wid a brogue, + They're all _Irish_, now--fat, lean, or lanky, + And green are the neckties in vogue. + They're thracin' themselves to some DURPHY, + O'NEILL, or McCANN, or O'TAAFFE, + I'll go bail the bowld conqueror MURPHY + 'S too owld to be caught wid sich chaff. + + Now Dutchmin may go to the divil, + And Yankees to Plymouth's ould rock, + We'll blast it, if they are not civil; + While boys of the raal ould stock + Will hurroo for ould Ireland the turfy. + Whoo! Jibralthar is taken to-day, + Our commandther's the conqueror MURPHY-- + Now a tiger and nine times hoorray! + + * * * * * + +COMIC ZOOLOGY. + +Genus Culex.--The American Mosquito + + +Few American birds are better known than the mosquito. In common with +the woodcock, snipe, and other winged succubi, it breeds in wet places, +yet is always dry. Like them it can sustain life on mud juleps, but +prefers "cluret." It is a familiar creature, seems to regard the human +family as its Blood relations, and is always ready to sucker them. + +Being a bird of Nocturnal Habits, it is particularly attracted to human +beings in their Night-shirts. The swallow preys upon it, but it +generally eludes the Bat. Although it cannot be called Noctilucous, like +the lightning bug, it has no objection to alight in the darkness, and +you often knock till you cuss in your vain attempts to prevent its +taking a Shine to you. + +The mosquito differs in most respects from all the larger varieties of +the winged tribes, and upon the whole takes after man more than any +other living thing. Nevertheless, it certainly bears a noticeable +resemblance to some of the feathered race. Like the Nightingale, it +"sings darkling," and like the woodpecker, is much addicted to tapping +the bark of Limbs and Trunks for the purpose of obtaining grub. It may +be mentioned as an amiable idiosyncracy of the mosquito, that it is fond +of babies. If there is a child in the house, it is sure to spot the +playful innocent; and by means of an ingenious contrivance combining the +principles of the gimlet and the air-pump, it soon relieves the little +human bud of its superfluous juices. It is, in fact, a born surgeon, a +Sangrado of the Air, and rivals that celebrated Spanish Leech in its +fondness for phlebotomy. Some infidels, who do not subscribe to the +doctrine that nothing was made in vain, consider it an unmitigated +nuisance, but the devout and thoughtful Christian recognizes it as +Nature's preventive of plethora, and as it alternately breathes a Vein +and a song, it may be said (though we never heard the remark,) to +combine the _utile_ with the _dulce_. + +All the members of the genus are slender and graceful in their shape and +Gnatty in their general appearance. The common mosquito is remarkable +for its strong attachments. It follows man with more than canine +fidelity, and in some cases, the dog-like pertinacity of its affection +can only be restrained by Muslin. It is of a roving disposition, seldom +remaining settled long in one locality; and is Epicurean in its +tastes--always living, if possible, on the fat of the land. As the +mosquito produces no honey, mankind in general are not as sweet upon it +as they are upon that bigger hum-bug, the buzzy bee; yet it is so far +akin to the bee, that, wherever it forages, it produces something +closely resembling Hives. + +Few varieties of game are hunted more industriously than this, yet such +is the fecundity of the species, that the Sportsman's Club has not as +yet thought it necessary to petition the legislature for its protection. + +The New Jersey Mosquito is the largest known specimen of the genus, +except the Southern Gallinipper, which is only a few sizes smaller than +the Virginia Nightingale, and raises large speckles similar to those of +the Thrush. Ornithologists who wish to study the habits of the mosquito +in its undomesticated or nomad state, may find it in angry clouds on the +surface of the New Jersey salt marshes at this season, in company with +its teetering long-billed Congener, the Sandsnipe. + +During the last month of summer it reigns supreme in the swamps west of +Hoboken, the August Emperor of all the Rushes, and persons of an +apoplectic turn, who wish to have their surplus blood determined to the +surface instead of to the head, will do well to seek the hygienic insect +there. + + * * * * * + +An Apt Quotation. + +The name "Louvre" has now been adopted by several places of +entertainment in New York and its suburbs. A Boston gentleman, who +visited seven of them a night or two since, under the escort of a +policeman, declares that, by a slight alteration of a line of MOORE's, +New York may be well described as-- + +"A place for Louvres, and for Louvres only." + + * * * * * + +THE WATERING PLACES. + +Punchinello's Vacations. + +Mr. PUNCHINELLO puts up at the Atlantic Hotel when he goes to Cape May; +and if you were to ask him why, he would tell you that it was on account +of the admirable water-punches which JOHN McMAKIN serves up. To be sure +these mixtures do not agree with Mr. P., but he likes to see people +enjoying themselves, even if he can't do it himself. It is this +unselfish disposition, this love of his fellow-men, that enables him to +maintain that constant good humor so requisite to his calling. In fact, +though Mr. P. often says sharp things, he never gets angry. When, on +Thursday of last week, he was walking down the south side of Jackson +street, and a man asked him did he want to buy a bag, Mr. P. was not +enraged. He knew the man took him for a greenhorn, but then the man +himself was a Jerseyman. It is no shame to be a greenhorn to a +Jerseyman. Quite the reverse. Mr. P. would blush if he thought there +lived a "sand-Spaniard" who could not take advantage of him. So Mr. P. +bought the bag, and because it was made of very durable canvas, and +would last a great while, he paid a dollar for it. + +He did not ask what it was for. He knew. It was to put Cape May Diamonds +in! He put the bag in his pocket and walked along the beach for three +miles. You can't walk more than three miles here, and if you hire a +carriage you will find that you can't ride less than that distance. +Which makes it bad, sometimes. However, when Mr. P. had finished his +three miles, he didn't want to go any further. He stopped, and gazing +carelessly around to see that no one noticed him, pulled out his canvas +bag and did shuffle a little in the sand with his feet. He might +find some diamonds, you know, just as likely as any of the hundreds of +other people, who, in other sequestered parts of the beach, were pulling +out other canvas bags, and shuffling in the sand with other feet. At +length Mr. P. shuffled himself into a very sequestered nook indeed, and +there he saw a man smoking. His melancholy little boy was sitting by his +side. Perceiving that it was only General GRANT, Mr. P. advanced with +his usual grace and suavity of manner. + +"Why, Mr. President!" said he, "I thought you would be found at Long +Branch this season." + +"Long--thunder!" ejaculated the General, his face as black as the ace of +spades, (which, by the way, is blue.) "I might go to Nova Zembla for a +quiet smoke, and some sneaking politician would crawl out from the ice +with a petition. I went fishing in Pennsylvania, and I found twenty of +those fellows to every trout. However, I don't mind you. Take a seat and +have a cigar." + +[Illustration.] + +Mr. P. took the seat, (which was nothing to brag of,) and a cigar, +(which would have been a great deal to brag of, if he had succeeded in +smoking it,) and, after a whiff or two, asked his companion how it was +that he came to send such a message to Congress about Cuba. + +"What message?" said GRANT, absently. + +Mr. P. explained. + +"Oh," said GRANT, "that one! Didn't you like it? CALEB CUSHING wrote it +and brought it to me, and I signed it. If you had written one and +brought it to me, I would have signed that. 'Tisn't my fault if the +thing's wrong. What would you expect of a man?" + +Mr. P. concluded that in this case it was ridiculous to expect anything +else, and so he changed the subject. + +That afternoon Mr. P. bathed. + +He went to SLOAN'S and fitted himself out in a bathing suit, and very +lovely he looked in it, when he emerged from the bathing house at +high tide. With a red tunic; green pants; and a very yellow hat, he +resembled a frog-legged Garibaldian, ready for the harvest. + +When he hurried to the water's edge, he hesitated for a moment. The +roaring surf was so full of heads, legs, arms, back-hair, hats and feet, +that he feared there was no room for him. However, he espied a vacancy, +and plunged into the briny deep. + +How delicious! How cool! How fresh! How salt! How splendid! + +He struck out with his legs; he struck out with his arms; he dived with +his whole body. He skimmed beneath the green waters; he floated on the +rolling wave-tips; he trod water; he turned heels over head in the +emerald depths; and thus, gamboling like an Infant Triton, he passed out +beyond the breakers. It was very pleasant there. Being a little tired, +he found the change from the surging waves to the gentle chuck and flop +of the deep water, most delightful. Languidly, to rest himself, he threw +his arm over a rock just peeping above the water. But the rock gave a +start and a yawn. + +It was a sleeping shark! + +The startled fish opened his eyes to their roundest, and backed water. + +So did Mr. P. + +For an instant they gazed at each other in utter surprise. Then the +shark began slowly to sink. Mr. P. knew what that meant. The monster was +striving to get beneath him for the fatal snap! + +Mr. P. sank with him! + +With admirable presence of mind he kept exactly even with the fish. + +[Illustration.] + +At last they reached the bottom. + +Mr. P. was nearly suffocated, but he determined that he would strangle +rather than rise first. The shark endeavored to crawl under him, but Mr. +P. clung to the bottom. + +The fish then made a feint of rising, but, in an instant, Mr. P. had him +around the waist! + +The affrighted shark darted to the surface, and Mr. P. inhaled at least +a gallon of fresh air. Never before had oxygen tasted so good! + +On the surface the struggle was renewed, but Mr. P. always kept +undermost. + +At last they rested from the contest, and lay panting on the surface of +the water, glaring at each other. + +The shark, who was a master of _finesse_, swam out a little way, to +where the water was deeper, and then slowly sank, intending, if Mr. P. +followed him again to the bottom, to stay there long enough to drown the +unfortunate man. But Mr. P. knew a trick worth two of that. + +_He didn't follow him at all_! He swam towards shore as fast as he +could, and when the shark looked around, to see if he was coming, he was +safe within the line of surf. + +Need it be said that when he reached dry laud, Mr. P. became a hero with +the crowds who had witnessed this heroic struggle? + +That evening, as Mr. P. sat upon the portico of his hotel, there came +unto him, in the moonlight, a maiden of the latest fashion. + +"Sir," she softly murmured "are you the noble hero who overcame the +shark?" + +Mr. P. looked up at her. + +Her soft eyes were dimmed with irresponsible emotion. + +"I am," said he. + +The maiden stood motionless. Her whole frame was agitated by a secret +struggle. + +At length she spoke. + +"Is there a Mrs. P.?" she softly said. + +Mr. P. arose. He grasped the back of his chair with trembling hand. His +manly form quivered with a secret struggle. + +He looked upon her! + +He gazed for a moment, with glowing, passionate eyes, upon that +matchless form--upon that angelic face, and then--he clasped his brows +in hopeless agony. Stepping back, he gave the maiden one glance of +wildest love, followed by another of bitterest despair; and sank +helpless into his chair. + +[Illustration.] + +The maiden leaned, pale and trembling, against a pillar; but hearing the +approach of intruders, she recovered herself with an effort. + +"Farewell," she whispered. "I know! I know! There _is_ a Mrs. P.!"--and +she was gone. + +Mr. P. arose and slipped out into the night, shaken by a secret +struggle. He laid upon the sand and kicked up his heels. + +_There isn't any_ Mrs. P.! + +Mr. P. does not wish to sweep his hand rudely o'er the tender chords of +any heart, but he wants it known that he is neither to be snapped up by +sharks in the sea, or by young women at watering places. + + * * * * * + +A DOG'S TALE. + +Dogmatic. + +I am only a dog, I admit; but do you suppose dogs have no feeling? I +guess if you were kicked out of every door-way you ran into, and driven +away from every meat stand or grocery you happened to smell around, you +would think you had feelings. + +When I see some dogs riding in carriages, looking so grandly out of the +windows, or others walking along proudly by the side of their owners, I +have a feeling of dislike for the very thought of liberty! + +I sometimes go with the crowd to a lecture-room, and listen to the +speeches about freedom and liberty, the hatred of bondage, and all that +sort of thing. I get my tail up, and wish I could tell them what liberty +really is. There is nothing worse in the world than this running around +loose, with no one to look after you, and no one for you to look after; +no one to notice you when you wag your tail, and to have no occasion for +so doing. You go out and you come in, and nobody cares. If you never +come back, no one troubles himself about you. + +Every day I hear men reading in the papers about some lucky dogs having +strayed, or having been stolen, a large reward being offered for their +recovery: and I envy each lost dog! I wonder who would advertise for me +if I got lost! Alas! no one. They would not give me a bone to bring me +back, or to keep me from drowning myself. But every boy in the street +thinks he has a right to throw stones at me; and tie tin-kettles to my +tail; and chase me when I have had the good luck to find a bone; and to +set big dogs upon me to worry me when I am faint from hunger and haven't +much pluck; and worse than all, chase me and cry "Ki-yi," when I am +almost dying of thirst! + +If you only knew how hard it is for a poor dog to make his way in the +world, with no one to help him to a mouthful of food, you would feel +sorry for us. + +But I think we might get along better if it wasn't for the scarcity of +water. I hardly know a spot in the city where I can get a drink; and +many a time I have gone all day without a drop. + +If I happen to hang out my tongue and droop my tail, my ears are saluted +with "Mad dog! Let's kill him!" You need not wonder I sometimes turn +round, and snap at my pursuers. I think you would snap, too, if you were +chased through street and lane and alley, till your blood was in a +perfect fever, and you hardly knew which way you were running! I have, +on many such occasions, actually run past a beautiful bone that lay +handy on the side-walk, and never stopped to smell it. + +Oh! I wish some one would take me prisoner, and continue to own me, and +keep me in bondage as long as I lived! I should only be too happy to +give up my liberty, and settle down and be a respectable dog! + + * * * * * + +A Bute-Iful Idea. + +The Marquis of Bute denies that he is going to return to the Protestant +fold. With reference to the rumor, the Pope stated in the Ecumenical +Council that "the Bute was on the right leg at last, and that he would +launch his thunder against him who should dare that Bute displace." + + * * * * * + +WHAT IS IT? + +As the shades of night descend (in the neighborhood of Mecklenburg, +N.C.,) and harmless domestic animals begin to compose themselves to +sleep, suddenly the drowsy world is awakened by a roaring like that of a +lion! It proceeds from the forest, in whose bosky recesses (as the +Mecklenburgers suppose) some terrible creature proclaims his hunger and +his inclination to appease it with human flesh! All night long the +quaking denizens of that hamlet lie and listen to the roaring, which is +an effectual preventive of drowsiness, as the moment any one begins to +be seized with it he also begins to fancy he is about to be seized and +deglutinated by the horrid monster! Naturalists are positive it is not +the Gyascutis, but admit that a Megatherium may have lately awakened +from the magnetic sleep of ages, with the pangs of a mighty hunger +tearing his wasted viscera. + +If our theory is correct, the good people of Mecklenburg (was it not in +Mecklenburg that the agitation for Independence began?) may be assured +that deliverance from this unreasonable Dragon is possible. We think it +more than likely that it is simply GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN practicing for +the next invasion of Great Britain. Nothing could be more harmless. One +Ku-Kluxian youth, armed with a double-barrelled shot-gun, four +bowie-knives, and a number of revolvers, could rout him instantly, and +even check the flow of his vociferous eloquence so suddenly as to put +him in imminent danger of asphyxia. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RETRIBUTION. + +THE BOYS OF SAN FRANCISCO, EXASPERATED AT THE CONVERSION OF THEIR DOGS +INTO PIE, TIE KETTLES TO THE TAILS OF THE CHINAMEN.] + + * * * * * + +Giving the Cue. + +"Is that one of your Chinese _belles_? asked Mr. PUNCHINELLO of Mr. +KOOPMAN-SCHOOP, as one of the newly-imported yallagals passed. + +"Yes," replied Mr. K. "You can always tell a Chinese bell from a Chinese +gong by the bell-pull attached to it." + +Mr. P. immediately presented his _chapeau_ to Mr. K. + + * * * * * + +HINTS FOR--THOSE WHO WILL TAKE THEM. + +Mr. PUNCHINELLO: Your invaluable "Hints for the Family," published some +time since, seem destined to work a revolution in our domestic economy; +as the plans you propose must win the admiration of housekeepers by +their extreme simplicity, aside from any other motives to their +adoption. I have myself tested several of your methods, and find that +you speak from thorough and circumstantial knowledge of your subject In +bread-making, for instance, we find that when the cat reposes in the +dough, it (the dough) will not rise, though the cat does. But in the +clock manufacture, we fear you have divulged one of the secrets of the +trade. + +Your little invention for carrying a thread should be recommended to +students and other isolated beings, notwithstanding their unaccountable +propensity to pierce other substances than the cloth. They would find +driving the needle through much facilitated by a skilful use of the +table formerly described. + +Permit me to make a few additional suggestions. + +Get some worsted and a pair of needles; set up from twenty to forty +stitches, more or less, and knit till you are tired. When finished--(the +knitting)--draw out the needles and bite off the thread. You will thus +have made an elegant lamp-mat, of the same color as the worsted, and the +very thing for a Christmas present to your grandmother. + +This is a very graceful employment, and a great favorite with ladies; in +fact, some ladies seem so infatuated with work of that kind, that, +according to the new theory of the Future, a fruition of fancy-work will +be amongst their other blissful realizations. And so, after surveying +Deacon QUIRK'S spiritual potato fields, or perhaps some fresh +(spiritual) manifestation of Miss PHELPS'S piety and intelligence, we +may have the pleasure of seeing the sun and moon hung with tidies, and a +lamp-mat under each star. + +Take your rejected sketches and compositions, cut them in strips two or +three inches wide, and as long as the paper will permit. Fold these +strips lengthwise as narrow as possible, and smooth the edges down flat +with your finger. When finished, or perhaps before, you will find you +have made a bunch of excellent lamp-lighters. + +Get a suit of clothes--broadcloth is the best--and a pair of boots to +stand them in. Button the coat, and insert in the neck any vegetable you +choose, so that it be large enough, (one of the drum-head species is the +best,) and finish with a hat You will then find, doubtless to your +surprise and delight, that you have a man, or an excellent +substitute for one, equal, if not superior to the genuine article, +warranted to be always pleased with his dinner, and never, necessarily, +in the way. Some people may object to its lack of intelligence, as +compared with the original, but careful investigation has shown that the +difference is very slight; yet, admitting even this to be a positive +fault, it is amply counterbalanced by negative merits. Your +correspondent who writes about "The Real Estate of Woman," will be +relieved to find that the threatened dearth in husbands can be so +readily obviated. + +Very truly, + +ANN O. BLUE. + + * * * * * + +For Singers, Only. + +What is the best wine for the voice? + +Canary. + + * * * * * + +A Chop-House Aphorism. + +Customers who fee waiters may always be sure of their Feed. + + * * * * * + +Washy. + +The daily papers tell us that "Sixty-Eight Thousand persons visited the +public baths during last week." + +They went in--a week lot--and came out sixty-eight thousand strong. + + * * * * * + +Constructive Genius. + +"A poor woman in Utica, who owns three houses and is building another, +sends her children into the streets daily to beg." + +Quite right. While the youngsters beg in the streets, let the +enterprising old lady go on and begin another house. + + * * * * * + +A Result of the Mongol. + +Owing to the influx of Chinamen into this country, the edict against +allowing dogs to run at large during the Summer has been relaxed. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BOMBASTES BONAPARTE: + +NOW PERFORMING AT THE THEATRE FRANCAIS. + +"He who would these Boots displace +Must meet BOMBASTES face to face."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEW PANDORA'S BOX. + +REPRESENTATIVE MANUFACTURER, (_springing open Chinese surprise +box_.)--"THERE!--WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT LITTLE JOKER?" + +KNIGHT OF ST. CRISPIN.--"PSHAW! THAT'S A MEAN TRICK: WAIT TILL I OPEN +_MY_ BOX!"] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN ON THE CHINESE. + +He write a letter to the North Adams Shoe Manufacturer.--New Occupation +for the "Coming Man." + + +NSBORO, NYE ONTO VARMONT, _July the 11th_, 18-_Seventy_. + +MISTER SAMPSON: + +Selestial sir:--I take my goose quil in hand to rite you a letter. I +like your stile--you soot me. I myself have been an old Statesman, +having served my country for 4 years as Gustise of the Peece, raisin' +sed offis to a higher standard than usual, as well as raisin' an +interestin' family of eleven healthy children. Upon the linements of +their countenance the features and stamp of GREEN stands out in bold +relief. They are all genuine Green-bax. + +A little cloud no bigger than a man's hand made its appearance over the +golden streets of San Francisco. + +It is growin' bigger, and afore we know it, will be bigger than a white +elefant. + +You have ceased the dilemer by the horn which hangs suspended from the +dilemer's head, like the tail of a kite. + +While you have set the Chinees peggin' away puttin' bottoms on shoes, a +great many are peggin' away "putin' a head onto you." + +In the present statis of things you want to blow up your nerve, and +stand as firm as the rox of Jiberalter, and like BYRON exclaim: + + "To be or not to be, there's the question;-- + Whether a man feels better to pay big wages for shoemakers, + Or to suffer the slings and arrows of everybody, + By hirin' Pig-tails for 1/2 price?" + +Poleticians of the different churches don't endorse our Selestial +brother. But, sir, I'll venter a few dollars, that if the children of +the son--and dorter--leaned towards either party, he would be gobled up +quicker'n scat, even if he come red hot from old LUCIFER, with a pocket +full of free passes, for the whole nashun, to the Infernal regions. + +That's so. A vote's a vote, if it comes from Greenland's coral strand or +Afric's icy mountains. I feel a good deal towards you as a nabor of +mine, named JOE BELCHER, once did. + +JOE likes his tod, and can punish as much gin and tansy as a New York +alderman can, when drinkin' at the sity's expense. + +JOE went to camp meetin' last week, and, I am pained to say it, JOSEF +got drunker than a biled owl. + +While one of the brethern was preachin', JOE sot on a pine log tryin' to +make out wether the preacher was a double-headed man, or whether 2 men +were holdin' forth. + +"Who'll stand up for the carpenter's Son?" sed the preacher. + +This made JOE look around. + +The question was again repeated. + +Again JOE looked around for an answer. + +Again the preacher said: "Who'll stand up for Him?" + +JOE by this time had got onto his feet, and was steadyin' himself by +holdin' onto a tree, while he sung out: + +"I say (hic!) ole feller, Ile stand up (hic!) for him, or any 'orrer man +who hain't got any (hic!) more fren's than he has (hic!) in this 'ere +crowd." + +I feel a good deal as JOE did. Anybody who hain't got any more frends +than you have, Mr. SAMPSON, has my sympathy. + +For bringin' these _hily morril_ and _refined_ Monongohelians to +Massachusetts is a big feather in your cap, and you will receive your +reward bime-bye. + +"The wages of sin is death." + +But the wages of a Chinyman is money in a man's pocket. They work cheap. + +I am trying to get the Chinese substituted for canal hosses. + +A man here by the name of SNYDER, who runs a canal Hoss to our Co., +talks of sendin' for a lot. + +Won't they be bang up with their cues hitcht to a canal bote snakin' it +along at the rate of a mile inside of 2 hours. "G'lang! Tea leaf." + +Then when they was restin' from their labors, by tyin' 2 of 'em together +by their cues, stand one opposite the other and hang close between 'em +to dry, on washin' day. + +What an aristocratic thing Chiny close-line posts would be. The only +drawback that I know of is, that the confounded posts mite some day walk +off with all the close. + +But, sir, if they served me in that manner, I would cover the ground +with broken crockery by smashin' their old Chiny mugs for 'em. + +Since you've awoken to _notorosity_, I have been studdyin' out your +family pedigree. + +I find your Antsisters are connected with long hair more or less, same +as you be with Chiny pig-tails. + +Old SAMPSON the first's strength, like your'n of to-day, lade in his +long hair. + +He could cut off more heads, and slay more Fillistians with the jaw bone +of a member of Congress than the President of these U.S. can by makin' a +new deal in the Custom house department. + +And, sir, I reckon about these days, we are getting rather more of that +same kind of jaw bone than is healthy. + +I am afrade not. + +Mrs. SAMPSON worked like a kag of apple sass in hot weather, to find out +where her old man's strength was. When she found out, what did she do? +Why, she got a pair of sheep shears and cropped him closer'n a state +prison bird, and tryin' to lift a house full of fokes, it fell onto him +and smashed him. + +Like LOT'S wife, she'd orter been turned into a pillow of salt, and then +the pillow had orter been sewed up and cast into the sea. + +Another of the SAMPSONS wouldn't even chop off MARIAR ANTERNETTE'S head +until her hair had been cut off, so he could peel her top-knot off slick +and cleen. + +Lookin' back at these cheerful antsisters of your'n, it's no wonder you +go in for long haired labor. It runs in the SAMPSON blood. + +The public is cussin' you from DANIEL to BEEBSHEBER, because you've +brought a lot of modern Philistines to Massachusetts. + +Let 'em cus. + +That's their lay. + +Your'n is, to bild up a fortin, if Poor-houses for white laborers to +live in is thicker in North Adams than goose pimples on a fever and ager +sufferer's form. + +As old Grandma SAMPSON cut off her old man's long hair, so she could +handle him in one of them little fireside scrimmages which we married +fokes enjoy, so fokes would crop you, my hi toned old Joss stick. + +But I've writ more'n I intended to. I would like to have you come and +make us a visit. + +Bring along your wife, DELIAL. Tell her to bring her croshay work. + +Mrs. GREEN is interestin' company among wimmen. + +What MARIAR don't know about her nabors, don't happen. + +Then her veel pot-pies and ingin puddins are just rats. + +She can nock the spots off from any woman who wears a waterfall, gettin' +up a good square meal. + +Anser soon, and don't forget to pay your own postige. + +Hopin' you are sound on the goose and able to enjoy your _Swi lager und +Sweitzer_, + +I am thine, old hoss, + +HIRAM GREEN, Esq., + +Lait Gustise of the Peece. + + + * * * * * + + +TREATMENT FOR POTATO BUGS. + +Mr. CLARK JOHNSON, of Pendleton, Indiana, not at all discouraged by the +signal failures of many previous campaigns against the Bug, has entered +the (potato) field with a new weapon, viz.: a mixture of Paris Green and +Ashes. Applied frequently, as a Top Dressing, this gentle stimulant +imparts a new energy to the vine, and also to the Bug, who thus becomes +so vigorous, and at the same time restless, that an uncontrollable +impulse seizes him to visit the home of his ancestors, (Colorado.) Here, +as is supposed by Mr. JOHNSON, the fictitious energy that had been +supplied by the Mixture deserts the immigrant, who now settles down +contentedly, nor ever roams again. + +As (owing to the present facilities of freighting, etc.,) the Potatoes +of Pendleton may eventually find the New York market, which always +invites the superior esculent, we would like to suggest to Mr. JOHNSON +that this Mixture be administered to the Bug with a spoon, and not +sprinkled promiscuously on the ground. We have drank Tea with a "green +flavor," and found it comparatively innocuous; but Potatoes with a green +flavor, (especially if flavored by the JOHNSONIAN method,) we should +consider as doubtful, to say the least. It is the general impression +that there is nothing Green in Paris; but your house painter knows there +is such a thing as Paris Green, and that it is the oxyde of copper. +Therefore, should one eat many of the potatoes nourished as above, we +should expect to see him gradually turning into a Bronze Statue--a fate +which, unless he were particularly Greeky and nice-looking, we should +wish to anticipate, if possible, in the interests of art. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MR. SWACHENBACKER, OF THE AIRY 'UN SOCIETY, CREATES A +SENSATION AMONG THE LADY BATHERS AT "THE BRANCH," BY APPEARING AMONG +THEM AS A MERMAN, WITH A REAL LOOKING-GLASS AND A FALSE TAIL.] + + * * * * * + +Fashionable Intelligence. + +Two colors that once were fashionable in the Parisian _toilette_, viz.: +BISMARCK brown and Prussian blue, are now excluded from court circles, +by command of the Empress. + + * * * * * + +Weather or No. + +Most remarkable in the history of mathematics are the calculations +published by the weather-prophet of the _Express_. Arithmetic turns pale +when she glances at them, and, striking her multiplication table with +her algebraic knuckles, demands to know why the _Express_ does not add a +Cube-it to its THATCHER. + + * * * * * + +Comparative Industry. + +It is reported that "the journeymen lathers demand four dollars per +day." As a question of comparative soap, the latherers will in due time +strike too. The ultimatum will be-"Raise our pay or we drop the Razor." + + * * * * * + +"Omnibus Hoc," etc. + +What is the difference between theft in an omnibus and the second deal +at cards? + +One is a Game of the Stage, and the other is a Stage of the Game. + + * * * * * + +OUR AGRICULTURAL COLUMN. + +Memorabilia of "What I Know About Farming." + +Profound subjects should be well meditated upon. A man may write about +"New America," or "Spiritual Wives," or any such light and airy subject, +without possessing much knowledge, or indulging in much thought, but he +can't play such tricks upon Agriculture. She is very much like a donkey: +unless you are thoroughly acquainted with her playful ways, she will +upset you in a quagmire. Perhaps it is due to my readers that I should +say here that I have read a great many valuable treatises upon this +subject, among which may be named, "Cometh up as a Flour," "Anatomy of +Melon-cholly," "Sowing and Reaping," one thousand or two volumes of +Patent Office Reports, and three or four bushels of "Proverbial +Philosophy." I would also add, that I invariably remain awake on clear +nights, and think out the ideas set down in this column. Probably you +may not be able to find traces of all that labor here, but I assure you +that those books are more familiar to me than is my catechism. However, +anybody who thinks he knows more about vegetables than I do, can send me +a letter containing his information, and, if I don't cabbage it, I will +plant it carefully in the bottom of the waste paper basket. We now +proceed to consider. + +PAR'S NIPS. + +This vegetable always flourishes in a moist soil, though it generally +has a holy horror of _aqua pura_. Some of them are of an immense size; I +have seen them fill a tumbler. Producers, however, generally charge more +for the large ones than for the small. The size of the nip usually +depends upon the par. It may be that your par's nip is extremely small, +while JOHN SMITH'S par's nip is very large. Four fingers is, I believe, +considered to be the regulation size. + +This vegetable is served up in a variety of forms. Some pars like it +with milk; in that case it is generally "hung up." In the winter it is +often called a sling or a punch; in the summer it is denominated a +cobbler or a jew-lip. Perhaps it would be well for those who love it, to +indulge in par's nip now, for some people say, that in the days of the +"coming man" there will be no par's nips. It must be admitted that the +father of a family, who indulges too freely in par's nip, is very likely +to run to seed, and to plant himself in such unfruitful places as the +gutter. If he be a young par, he may become a rake, and fork over his +money, and then ho! for the alms-house. + +Numerous efforts have been made to suppress this vegetable, among which +may be reckoned, "Father, dear Father, come home with me now," Brother +GOUGH'S circus, and the parades of the F.M.T.A.B. Societies. Maine and +Vermont Neal together in the front rank of its opponents. In Boston they +tried to suppress this vegetable, but, if you followed your par to a +store and heard him order a cracker, you could smell par's nip. + +Among the mild varieties of this article may be mentioned benzine, +camphene and kerosene; the next strongest kind is called Jersey +lightning; but, if you desire par's nips in their most luxuriant form, +go to Water street and try the species known as "rot-gut." + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +Poetry is the exclusive birthright of no age of people. The dirtiest +Hindoo sings to his _fetish_ the songs of the Brahmin muse, with as keen +a relish as the most devout Christian does the hymns of Dr. WATTS. +Melody comes of Heaven, and is a gift vouchsafed to all generations, and +all kinds of men. In proof of this, let us adduce a single extract from +the great epic of the Hawaiian poet, POPPOOFI, entitled "Ka Nani E!" + + Ka nani e! ka nani e! + Alohi puni no + Mai luna, a mai lalo nei, + A ma na mea a pau. + +We would call the attention of our readers particularly to the sublime +sentiment of the second line. "Alohi puni no," sings the peerless +POPPOOFI, and where, in the pages of that other Oriental HOMER, the +Persian HAFI, can be found anything half so magnificent? There may be +critics bigoted enough to think that the last line destroys the effect +of the other three; but _we_ don't. PUNCHINELLO would much rather +discover the good in a thing at any time, than go a-fishing on Sundays. + +It is not in the nature of a properly constituted human being to lay his +hand upon his heart and chant: + + "Ka nani e! Ka nani e!" + +in the presence of his mother-in-law, without feeling that life is not +so miserable as some people would make it out. In the words of ALEXANDER +SELKIRK'S man FRIDAY: "_Palmam qui meruit ferat_." + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +Emmet is a name which has heretofore been associated in the public mind +with the Negro Minstrel business. Certain weird barbaric melodies, which +defy all laws of musical composition, but which haunt one like a dream +of a lonely night on some wild African river, are said to have been +written by "OLD EMMET." Is there any such person? Has any one actually +seen "OLD EMMET" in the flesh, and with--say a high hat and a cotton +umbrella? For my part I disbelieve in the popular theory of the origin +of these EMMETIC melodies which stir one so strangely. They are not the +work of any earthly song writer, but are born of some untuned Eolian +harp played upon by uncertain breezes, that murmur the memory of +tropical groves and sigh with the sadness of exile. There is no "OLD +EMMET." If there is, let him be brought forward--not to be chucked out +of the window, as Mrs. F.'s AUNT might suggest,--but to be thanked and +wondered at as an inchoate OFFENBACH, who might, under other +circumstances, have written an American opera-bouffe, or, better still, +as a possible CHOPIN, who might have written a second "March Funebre" as +hopeless and desolate and fascinating as that of the despairing and +poetic Pole. (I am coming to "FRITZ" in a moment, but I won't be hurried +by any one.) + +As for JOSEPH K. EMMET, he is an undoubted reality. If you don't believe +it, go to WALLACK'S and see him. Somebody discovered this EMMET in the +Pastoral privacy of the Bowery. Mr. GAYLER was made to write a play for +him, and EMMET, the Bowery Minstrel, straightway became Mr. JOSEPH K. +EMMET, the renowned impersonator of "FRITZ." He plays "FRITZ" at +WALLACK'S every evening, and the entertainment is something of this +nature. + +ACT I.--_Scene, the outside of Castle Garden. Enter baggage-smashers, +emigrant-runners, aldermen, and other criminals_. + +RUNNER. "There's a ship a' comin' up. I'll lay for the Dutchmen." + +BOBBIT. (_A concert-saloon manager_.) "There's a ship coming up. I'll +lay for the Dutch girls." + +DISSOLUTE COLONEL. "There's a ship coming up. I want you two fellows to +look out for a Dutchman named "FRITZ," who is onboard. He takes care of +a girl, KATRINA, whom I adore. Carry off FRITZ and I'll carry off the +girl." + +(_Various emigrants enter and are hustled off by the runners_. FRITZ +_and_ KATRINA _finally appear_.) + +FRITZ. "Ja. Das ist gut. Ach himmel; zwei bier und Limburger." + +(_The runners seize his trunk and carry it off. The_ DISSOLUTE COLONEL +_hurries_ KATRINA _into a coach and carries her off_. FRITZ _is carried +away by his emotions. Curtain_.) + + +ACT II.--_Scene, a boarding-house parlor. Enter_ DISSOLUTE COLONEL +and KATRINA. + +DISSOLUTE COLONEL. "You are in my power. Be mine, and you shall have as +many bonnets and things as you can wish. Refuse, and I'll send every +reporter in the city to interview you." + +KATRINA. "Base villain! I despise you. Let the torturers do their +worst." + +(_Enter_ FRITZ, _disguised as a member of the Sorosis_.) + +KATRINA. "You here! Be cautious. The hash is drugged. Save me, my +beloved." + +FRITZ. "Ja. Das ist nicht gut. Herr Colonel, Ich bin KATRINA'S aunt. Ich +habe gekommen to take her away wid me, ye owdacious spalpeen." + +DISSOLUTE COLONEL. "Glad to see you. Take some hash, madam?" + +FRITZ. "Ja. Das ist gut. Take some yourself, you murtherin' thafe of the +worruld." + +(_The_ DISSOLUTE COLONEL _forgets that the hash is drugged. He takes it +and falls insensible_. FRITZ _and_ KATRINA _escape. Scene changes to +Judge_ DOWLING'S _court-room_.) + +FRITZ. (_Having left off his Sorosis disguise_.) "Ja. Das is nicht gut. +Behold, O wise young judge, the misguided person who put my trunk in his +pocket and ran away with it." + +JUDGE. "Prove your case." + +FRITZ. "Ja. Das ist gut. Begar! I proves him _toute de suite_--what you +call to wunst. You see those Limburger cheese in the villain's mouth. He +got them out of my trunk. So you see I have him ein thief geproven." + +JUDGE. "Your case is proved. Let the prisoner be removed." + +FRITZ. "Ja. Das ist sehr gut. Now I'm a gwine to de saloon, where dis +niggah has a ningagement for to sing." + +(_Scene changes to a concert saloon_. FRITZ _enters and goes through an +entire programme of negro minstrelsy, to the wild delight of the +gallery. At last the lazy curtain slowly consents to fall_.) + + +ACT III.--The DISSOLUTE COLONEL _come to grief, and_ FRITZ _marries_ +KATRINA. If you want to know all about it, go to the theatre. I don't +intend to ruin the establishment by giving the public the whole play for +the ridiculous sum which is charged for this copy of PUNCHINELLO. The +third act is the last of the play, and when the curtain fells, the +audience immediately proceeds to pick EMMET to pieces. + +BOY IN THE GALLERY. "Ain't he just tip, though? I've seen him lots o' +times at TONY PASTOR'S, and I allers knowed he'd be a big thing if the +Bowery or thishyer theatre got a hold on him." + +YOUNG LADY. "Isn't it frightfully low? The idea of Mr. WALLACK +permitting this negro minstrelsy in his theatre. To be sure Mr. EMMET is +funny; but I hate to see people funny in this place." + +OLD GENTLEMAN. "My dear! don't be absurd. Suppose Mr. EMMET has been a +minstrel, is that any proof that he can't be an actor? The young fellow +has his faults, but they will wear off in time, and he is brimful of +real talent. The play isn't a model of excellence, but it was made to +show EMMET'S strong points, and it answers its purpose. Shall we cry +down a talented and promising young actor simply because he has been a +minstrel, and now has the audacity to play at WALLACK'S? And besides, +haven't we seen pantomime, and legs, and LOTTA, and DAN BRYANT at +WALLACK'S? You never objected to any of the illegitimacies that have +preceded FRITZ;--why then should you begin now? Give EMMET and GAYLER a +chance. At any rate they can make you laugh, which is something that +BOUCICAULT with his '_Lost at Sea_' did not do." + +MATADOR. + + + * * * * * + + +A PARABLE ABOUT THE TWELFTH OF JULY. + +In a far distant land, beyond the sea, there dwelt an Orange Lily. +Separated from it by a very absurd and useless ditch, a Green Shamrock +spread its trefoil leafage to the sun, and grew greener every day. Now, +in course of time, a very ill feeling sprang up between the Lily and the +Shamrock, on account of color, the former despising the latter because +it was green, and the latter hating the former because it was orange--as +if both colors hadn't lived together in the rainbow ever since the +aquatic excursion of old Mr. NOAH, without ever falling out of it or +with each other. In time they both crossed the sea, and took root in a +far-away land, where they became acquainted with a very remarkable +animal called the American Beaver. + +The industry of this creature urged the Lily to toil and spin, contrary +to its usual habits, while the Shamrock converted its trifoliated leaves +into shovels, and took a contract for excavating the hemisphere. And so +they might have jogged on very well together, but for their stupid way +of showing their colors when there was no occasion for it. This greatly +disgusted their friend, the American Beaver, who didn't care a pinch of +snuff about color, (black is not a color, you know,) but who went in for +faithful and persistent work. One beautiful Twelfth of July, the Lily +arose very early in the morning, and, shaking out her orange leaves, +defied the Shamrock to "come on." The Shamrock came on. There was a +vegetable howl, and clash, and clangor in the air, and the Lily, having +knocked off several of the Shamrocks' greenest leaves, went to its +friend, the American Beaver, for comfort and support. But the American +Beaver, instead of countenancing the Lily, said: "Look here, Lily, I +guess you are about the greatest fool I ever _did_ see, except, perhaps, +the Shamrock. As long as you two stick to your work, instead of sticking +out your colors and sticking your knives into each other, I am very glad +to have you for neighbors, but now that you have shown yourselves to be +jack-asses instead of vegetables, I would not give an American Beaver +dam for the two of you." + + * * * * * + +CONDENSED CONGRESS. + +SENATE. + +A pleasant philosopher tells us that blessings brighten as they take +their flight. The flight of Congress may be regarded as a blessing. But +Congressmen do not brighten. PUNCHINELLO listens in vain for the swan +song of SUMNER, and looks longingly, without being gratified by the +spectacle of the oratorical funeral pyre of NYE. Almost the only gleam +of humor he discerns in his weekly wading through the watery and windy +wastes of the Congressional Globe is a comic coruscation by Mr. CAMERON. + +Mr. McCREERY had had the abominable impudence to introduce +a bill relieving the disabilities of a few friends of his in Kentucky. +Mr. CAMERON objected upon the ground that one of these persons was named +SMITH, and used to be a New York Street Commissioner. Any man who had +been a New York Street Commissioner ought to be hanged as soon as any +decent pretext could be found for hanging him. (Murmurs of approbation +from the New York reporters.) Still this was not his main objection to +SMITH. The SMITH family had furnished more aid and comfort to the rebel +army than any other family in the South. No SMITH should, with his +consent, be permitted to participate in the conduct of a Government +which so many SMITHS had conspired to overthrow. Moreover, this was an +incorrigible SMITH. It was an undisputed fact that SMITH had given up a +lucrative office to follow his political convictions. Such a man could +not be viewed by Senators with any other feelings than those of horror +and disgust. Let them reflect what would be the effect of polluting this +body, as by this bill it was proposed to make it possible to do, with a +man so dead to all the common feelings of our nature that he would set +up his own conceits against the practice of his fellow-Senators, and the +rewards of a grateful country. This settled the fate of SMITH, but the +rest of Mr. McCREERY's friends, being obscure persons, were let in, in +spite of the "barbaric yaup" of DRAKE, who said that the next thing +would be a proposition to enact a similar outrage in Missouri, and +thereby abet the efforts of the bold bad men who were trying to get him +out of his seat. + +HOUSE. + +SCHENCK insisted upon the Tariff. He had been visited by +delegations from the great heart of the nation, who assured him that the +great heart of the nation yearned for an immediate increase of the duty +on various articles which competed with the articles manufactured by the +members of the delegation. No longer ago than yesterday a manufacturer +of double-back-action jack-planes had assured him that the +single-forward-action jack-planes poured upon our shores by the pauper +labor of Europe, were, so to speak, shaving off the edge of the national +life. A gentleman whose name was known to the uttermost parts of the +civilized world, who had shed new lustre upon the American name by the +great boon he had bestowed upon mankind in the American self-filling +rotary Bird of Freedom inkstand with revolving lid, had said, with the +tears of patriotic shame and sorrow in his eyes, that there were +recreant writers who preferred to purchase the Birmingham inkstand, +which required to be filled, did not rotate, and had no revolution to +its lid, at fifty cents, than to secure his own triumph of American +ingenuity at ten dollars. Such misguided men must be taught their duty +to their native land. Mr. SCHENCK moved an increase to 4,000 per cent, +_ad valorem_ on the foreign jack-plane, which he characterized as a Tool +of Tyranny, and the Birmingham inkstand. The thing was done. + +Mr. DAWES said he was disgusted. Everybody's jobs were put through +except his. He threatened to go home and tell his constituents. + +Mr. PETERS suggested that Mr. DAWES had better go out and take "suthin' +soothin'." (Mr. PETERS is from Maine, and his remark will probably be +understood there.) If he might be pardoned the liberty he would +recommend a little ice in it. + +Mr. DAWES said he could do his own drinking. As for PETERS, he scorned +him. Moreover, PETERS was one-eyed. + +Mr. PETERS appealed to his record to show that he had two eyes. He did +not understand the anger of Mr. DAWES. Of course when he suggested a +drink, he assumed the responsibility of paying for it. + +Mr. DAWES said that altered the case entirely. He took pleasure in +withdrawing his hasty remarks, and in assuring the House that he +profoundly venerated PETERS, and that PETERS had two perfect eyes of +unusual expressiveness. + +Mr. BINGHAM called attention to the case of Mr. PORTER, who had been +smitten on the nose by a vile creature whom he declined to drink with. +This was a blow at the national life, and he thought the punishment of +treason was imperatively demanded. + +Mr. BUTLER said he had been kicked once. He assured the House that the +sensation was repugnant to his feelings as a man--much more as a +Congressman. He moved to amend by substituting slow torture. + +It was finally resolved to put the wretch in irons and feed him on bread +and water. + + + * * * * * + + +A Drowsy Con. + +When a man is sleepy, what sort of transformation does he desire? + +He wishes he were a-bed. + + + * * * * * + + + An Anecdote of the good old Square Kind. + +MRS. PRINGLEWOOD, having been afflicted with a chimney that smoked, sent +for a chimney-doctor to cure it. + +When the cure had been thoroughly effected, says Mrs. PRINGLEWOOD to the +chimney-doctor: "My son, a boy of but fourteen, smokes awful; couldn't +you cure him as you did the chimney?" + +"No I couldn't, marm," returned the chimney-doctor, who was a wag: "but +I see what you're arter, marm--you want me to teach him to draw!" + + + * * * * * + + +O Deer, Deer! + +_Trichinoe_ are said to have been discovered in the flesh of Oregon +deer. If this should prove true, Oregon venison must be anything but a +benison; but it is more than likely that the report originated in the +fact that there is in the East Indies a species of the cervine family +known as the Hog deer. + + + * * * * * + + +Scientific Intelligence. + +We learn from exchanges that in Missouri, where the wages of +working-people average five dollars _per diem_, that the Legislature +have decreed a Mining Bureau, and a Geological Survey of the State--the +remuneration of the assistant geologists to be at the rate of $1.50 _per +diem_. Why should these learned geologists waste their time for a +compensation so mean? Let them rather convert their surveying-staffs +into ox-goads, and turn their attention to Gee-haw-logy,--'twill pay +better than t'other thing. + + + * * * * * + + +Men and Manners + +The following paragraph, cut from a newspaper, suggests a good deal: + +"A Hindoo cabby, before mounting the box and taking the reins, always +first prays that his driving may be to the glory of his God." + +Now this is precisely what the New York hackman invariably does before +he gathers up the reins and urges on his "galled jades." He curses his +horses, his passengers, and his own eyes, and thus commends his driving +to the glory of _his_ God, whose other name is LUCIFER. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | Are offering | + | | + | A SPLENDID ASSORTMENT | + | OF THE | + | LATEST PARIS NOVELTIES. | + | IN | + | | + | ROMAN. 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STEWART & Co. | + | | + | Are Offering | + | | + | Extraordinary Bargains | + | IN | + | LADIES' PARIS AND DOMESTIC READY-MADE | + | Silk, Grenadine, Swiss Muslin, | + | Victoria Lawn, Linen | + | and Pique | + | | + | Suits, Robes, and Dresses, | + | | + | Children's Linen and Pique Garments, | + | In the Greatest Variety, | + | | + | Embroidered Collars, CUFFS, LACES, | + | Real LAMA LACE POINTS, | + | DRESSES &c., &c. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Steward & Co. | + | | + | Are closing out their stock of | + | FRENCH, ENGLISH, AND DOMESTIC | + | CARPETS, | + | | + | Oil Cloths, Rugs, Mats, Cocoa and Canton | + | Mattings, &c., &c., | + | | + | At a Great REDUCTION IN PRICES. | + | | + | _Customers and Strangers are Respectfully_ | + | | + | INVITED TO EXAMINE, | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. STEWART &CO. | + | | + | Offer the following | + | | + | Extraordinary Inducements | + | | + | IN PRICES TO PURCHASERS, | + | | + | In order to close the following portion of their Stock: | + | | + | Striped Checks, & Broche Poplinettes, | + | Only 50 cts. per Yard. | + | | + | Heavy Black and White Check Silks, | + | 75 cts. per Yard, value $1.50. | + | | + | Real Gaze de Chambrey, | + | 75 cts. per Yard, formerly $2. | + | | + | Striped Mongoline Silks (a Beautiful | + | Article for Costumes), | + | $1 per Yard, formerly $2 | + | | + | A LARGE QUANTITY OF | + | | + | STRIPED & CHECKED SILKS, | + | | + | This Season's Importation, $1 per Yard. | + | A great Variety of the | + | | + | NEW ROUBAIX SILKS, 56 INCHES WIDE, $1.25 | + | per Yard. | + | | + | RICH CHANGEABLE SILKS, Light Colors, 24 Inches | + | Wide, $1.75. | + | | + | EXTRA HEAVY PONGE SILKS, ONLY $1.60 per | + | Yard, formerly $2.50. | + | | + | A LARGE ASSORTMENT OF | + | | + | Plain Colored POULTS DE SOIES, TAFFETTAS, | + | FAILLES, &c., &c., | + | | + | Choice Shades of Color. | + | | + | _AN IMMENSE STOCK OF_ | + | | + | BLACK SILKS, | + | | + | At Prices Lower Than Ever. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Ave., 9th and 10th Sts. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +PUNCHINELLO. + +The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly Paper +was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The Press and the Public in +every State and Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper of +the kind ever published in America. + +CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL. + +Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) ............... $4.00 + + " " six months, (without premium,) ............................ 2.00 + + " " three months, " ............................ 1.00 + +Single copies mailed free, for .............................. .10 + +We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S +CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows: + + +A copy of paper for one year, and + +"The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chromo. +Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,) for ...................... $4.00 + + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $3.00 chromos: + +Wild Roses. 12-1/8 x 9. +Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-3/8. +Easter Morning. 6-3/4 x 10-1/4--for ..................... $5.00 + + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $5.00 chromos: + +Group of Chickens; Group of Ducklings: Group of Quails. +Each 10 x 12-1/8. + +The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14 + +The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-3/4 x 13. + +Pointer and Quail: Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12--for ... $6.50 + + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $6.00 chromos: + +The Baby in Trouble; The Unconscious Sleeper; The Two +Friends. (Dog and Child.) Each 13 x 16-1/4. + +Spring; Summer; Autumn; 12-7/8 x 16-1/8. + +The Kid's Play Ground. 11 x 17-1/2--for ................. $7.00 + + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $7.50 chromos: + +Strawberries and Baskets. + +Cherries and Baskets. + +Currants. Each 13 x 18. + +Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4. + +Six Central Park Views. (A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2--for ........... $8.00 + + +A copy of paper for one year and + +Six American Landscapes. (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, +price $9.00--for .............................................. $9.00 + + +A copy of paper for one year and either of the +following $10 chromos: + +Sunset in California. (Bierstadt) 18-1/2 x 12 + +Easter Morning. 14 x 21. + +Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/4 x 16-3/8. + +Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromos,) +15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), for $10.00 + +Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank Checks on New +York, or Registered letters. The paper will be sent from the first +number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise ordered. + +Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents +per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS will be +_mailed free_ on receipt of money. + +CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be given. For +special terms address the Company. + +The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the +paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any +one desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage +stamp. + +Address, + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New York. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Caption: THE COMING MILLENNIUM, +WHEN EVERYTHING IS TO BE CHEAP, AND THE WHITE MAN WILL STARVE.] + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Tourists and leisure Travelers will be find to learn that | + | the Erie Railway Company has prepared | + | | + | COMBINATION EXCURSION OR Round Trip Tickets, | + | | + | Valid during the entire season, and embracing Ithaca-- | + | headwaters of Cayuga Lake--Niagara Falls, Lake Ontario, the | + | River St. Lawrence, Montreal, Quebec, Lake Champlain, Lake | + | George, Saratoga, the White Mountains and all principal | + | points of interest in Northern New York, the Canadas, and | + | New England. Also similar Tickets at reduced rates, through | + | Lake Superior, enabling travelers to visit the celebrated | + | Iron Mountains and Copper Mines of that region. By applying | + | at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. 241, 529 and | + | 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich St.; cor. 125th | + | St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton St., Brooklyn; | + | Depots foot of Chambers Street, and foot of 23rd St., New | + | York; No. 3 Exchange Place, and Long Dock Depot, Jersey | + | City, and the Agents at the principal hotels, travelers can | + | obtain just the Ticket they desire, as well as all the | + | necessary information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "The Printing--House of the United States." | + | | + | | + | GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., | + | | + | General JOB PRINTERS, | + | | + | BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, | + | STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail, | + | LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers. | + | COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, | + | CARD Manufacturers, | + | ENVELOPE Manufacturers. | + | FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. | + | | + | 163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., | + | 73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New York. | + | | + | ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under | + | immediate supervision of the proprietors. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," "Water-Lilies," | + | "Chas. Dickens." PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art and | + | Bookstores throughout the world. PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED | + | CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp. | + | | + | L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs,, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage | + | stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance ....................... $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies .......................................... .10 | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten | + | cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine | + | or paper, price, $2.50, for ................. 5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for.. 7.00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | P. O. Box, 2783. NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | + | | + | The New Burlesque Serial, | + | | + | Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | BY | + | | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, | + | | + | Commenced in No. 11. will be continued weekly throughout the | + | year. | + | | + | A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, | + | with superb illustrations of | + | | + | 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | + | TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY. | + | | + | 2ND. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE taken | + | as he appears "Every Saturday." will also be found in the | + | same number. | + | | + | * * * * * | + | | + | Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from this | + | office, free,) Ten Cents. | + | | + | Subscription for One Year, one copy, with $2 Chromo Premium. | + | $4. | + | | + | * * * * * | + | | + | Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | + | serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | + | receipt weekly. | + | | + | We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one | + | who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | + | receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | P. O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau St., New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +GEO. W, WHEAT & Co, PRINTER, NO. 8 SPRUCE STREET. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 18, July 30, +1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 18 *** + +***** This file should be named 10014.txt or 10014.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/0/1/10014/ + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze +and PG Distributed Proofreaders + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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