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diff --git a/10015-0.txt b/10015-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1973425 --- /dev/null +++ b/10015-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2259 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10015 *** + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | CONANT's | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | FOR | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent prepaid, on | + | receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | J. M. SPRAGUE | + | | + | Is the Authorized Agent of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | For the | + | | + | New England States, | + | | + | To Procure Subscriptions, | + | and to Employ Canvassers. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and | + | cheaper than any other Pen in the market. Special attention | + | is called to the following grades, as being better suited | + | for business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | we recommend for Bank and Office use. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | Sole Agents for United States. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + + + Vol. 1. No. 19. + + +PUNCHINELLO + + + +SATURDAY, AUGUST 6, 1870. + + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, By ORPHEUS C. KERR, +Continued in this Number. + + * * * * * + +See 15th Page for Extra Premiums. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO | + | | + | J. NICKINSON, | + | | + | ROOM NO. 4, | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | What it is Not! | + | | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | The College Courant is NOT | + | | + |Merely a small student's sheet, But is the largest in N. 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City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FOLEY'S | + | | + | GOLD PENS. | + | | + | THE BEST AND CHEAPEST. | + | | + | 256 BROADWAY. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | $2 to ALBANY and TROY. | + | | + | The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and Daniel Drew, | + | commencing May 31, will leave Vestry st. Pier at 8:45, and | + | Thirty-fourth at 9 a.m., landing at Yonkers, (Nyack, and | + | Tarrytown by ferry-boat), Cozzens, West Point, Cornwall, | + | Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill, | + | Hudson, and New-Baltimore. A special train of broad-gauge | + | cars In connection with the day boats will leave on arrival | + | at Albany (commencing June 20) for Sharon Springs. Fare | + | $4.25 from New York and for Cherry Valley. The Steamboat | + | Seneca will transfer passengers from Albany to Troy. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | | + | ESTABLISHED 1866. | + | | + | JAS R. NICHOLS, M. D., WM. J. ROLFE, A. M., Editors | + | | + | | + | Boston Journal of Chemistry. | + | | + | Devoted to the Science of | + | | + | HOME LIFE, | + | | + | The Arts, Agriculture, and Medicine. | + | | + | $1.00 Per Year. | + | | + | _Journal and Punchinello (without Premium) $4.00._ | + | | + | SEND FOR SPECIMEN-COPY. | + | | + | Address--JOURNAL OF CHEMISTRY, | + | | + | 150 CONGRESS STREET, BOSTON. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY L. STEPHENS, | + | | + | ARTIST, | + | | + | No. 160 FULTON STREET, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | GEO. B. BOWLEND, | + | | + | Draughtsman & Designer | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | Room No. 11, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +THE + +MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. + +CHAPTER XII--(Continued.) + +The pauper burial-ground toward which they now progress in a rather +high-stepping manner, or--to vary the phrase--toward which their steps +are now very much bent, is not a favorite resort of the more cheerful +village people after nightfall. Ask any resident of Bumsteadville if he +believed in ghosts, and, if the time were mid-day and the place a +crowded grocery store, he would fearlessly answer in the negative; (just +the same as a Positive philosopher in cast-iron health and with no +thunder shower approaching would undauntedly deny a Deity!) but if any +resident of Bumsteadville should happen to be caught near the country +editor's last home after dark, he would get over that part of his road +in a curiously agile and flighty manner;--(just the same as a Positive +philosopher with a sore throat, or at an uncommonly showy bit of +lightning, would repeat "Now I lay me down to sleep," with surprising +devotion.) So, although no one in all Bumsteadville was in the least +afraid of the pauper burial-ground at any hour, it was not invariably +selected by the great mass of the populace as a peerless place to go +home by at midnight; and the two intellectual explorers find no +sentimental young couples rambling arm in arm among the ghastly +head-boards, nor so much as one loiterer smoking his segar on a +suicide's tomb. + +"JOHN McLAUGHLIN, you're getting nervous again," says Mr. BUMSTEAD, +catching him in the coat collar with the handle of his umbrella and +drawing the other toward him hand-over-hand. "It's about time that you +should revert again to the hoary JAMES AKER'S excellent preparation for +the human family.--I'll try it first, myself, to see if it tastes at all +of the cork. + +"Ah-h," sighs OLD MORTARITY, after his turn has come and been enjoyed at +last, "that's the kind of Spirits I don't mind being a wrapper to. I +could wrap _them_ up all right." + +Reflectively chewing a clove, the Ritualistic organist reclines on the +pauper grave of a former writer for the daily press, and cogitates upon +his companion's leaning to Spiritualism; while the other produces +matches and lights their lanterns. + +"Mr. McLAUGHLIN," he solemnly remarks, waving his umbrella at the graves +around, "in this scene you behold the very last of man's individual +being. In this entombment he ends forever. Tremble, J. McLAUGHLIN! +--forever. Soul and Spirit are but unmeaning words, according +to the latest big things in science. The departed Dr. DAVIS SLAVONSKI, +of St. Petersburg, before setting out for the Asylum, proved, by his +Atomic Theory, that men are neatly manufactured of Atoms of matter, +which are continually combining together until they form Man; and then +going through the process of Life, which is but the mechanical effect of +their combination; and then wearing apart again by attrition into the +exhaustion of cohesion called Death; and then crumbling into separate +Atoms of native matter, or dust, again; and then gradually combining +again, as before, and evolving another Man; and Living, and Dying, +again; and so on forever. Thus, and thus only, is Man immortal. You are +made exclusively of Atoms of matter, yourself, JOHN McLAUGHLIN. So am I." + +"I can understand a man's believing that _he, himself,_ is all Atoms of +matter, and nothing else," responds OLD MORTARITY, skeptically. + +"As how, JOHN McLAUGHLIN,--as how?" + +"When he knows that, at any rate, he hasn't got one atom of common +sense," is the answer. + +Suddenly Mr. BUMSTEAD arises from the grave and frantically shakes hands +with him. + +"You're right, sir!" he says, emotionally. "You're a gooroleman, sir. +The Atom of common sense was one of the Atoms that SLAVONSKI forgot all +about. Let's do some skeletons now." + +At the further end of the pauper burial-ground, and in the rear of the +former Alms-House, once stood a building used successively as a +cider-mill, a barn, and a kind of chapel for paupers. Long ago, from +neglect and bad weather, the frail wooden superstructure had fallen into +pieces and been gradually carted off; but a sturdy stone foundation +remained underground; and, although the flooring over it had for many +years been covered with debris and rank growth, so as to be +undistinguishable to common eyes from the general earth around it, the +great cellar still extended beneath, and, according to weird rumor, had +some secret access for OLD MORTARITY, who used it as a charnel +store-house for such spoils of the grave as he found in his prowlings. + +To the spot thus historied the two moralists of the moonlight come now, +and, with many tumbles, Mr. McLAUGHLIN removes certain artfully placed +stones and rubbish, and lifts a clumsy extemporized trap-door. Below +appears a ricketty old step-ladder leading into darkness. + +"I heard such cries and groans down there, last Christmas Eve, as +sounded worse than the Latin singing in the Ritualistic church," +observes McLAUGHLIN. + +"Cries and groans!" echoes Mr. BUMSTEAD, turning quite pale, and +momentarily forgetting the snakes which he is just beginning to discover +among the stones. "You're getting nervous again, poor wreck, and need +some more West Indian cough-mixture.--Wait until I see for myself +whether it's got enough sugar in it." + +In due time the great nervous antidote is passed and replaced, and then, +with the lighted lanterns worked around under their arms, they go down +the tottering ladder. Down they go into a great, damp, musty cavern, to +which their lights give a pallid illumination. + +"See here," says OLD MORTARITY, raising a long, curved bone from the +floor. "Look at that: shoulder-blade of unmarried Episcopal lady, aged +thirty-nine." + +"How do you know she was so old, and unmarried?" asks the organist. + +"Because the shoulder-blade's so sharp." + +Mr. Bumstead is surprised at this specimen of the art of an AGASSIZ and +WATERHOUSE HAWKINS in such a mortary old man, and his intellectual pride +causes him to resolve at once upon a rival display. + +"Look at this skull, JOHN McLAUGHLIN," he says, referring to an object +that he has found behind the ladder. "See thish fine, retreating brow, +bulging chin, projecting occipital bone, and these orifices of ears that +musht've been stupen'sly long. It's the skull, JOHN McLAUGHLIN, of a +twin-brother of the man who really wished--really wished, JOHN +McLAUGHLIN--that he could be sat'shfied, sir, in his own mind, that +CHARLES DICKENS was a Christian writer." + +"Why, thash's skull of a hog," explains Mr. McLAUGHLIN, with some +contempt. + +"Twin-brother--all th'shame," says Mr. BUMSTEAD, as though that made no +earthly difference. + +Once more, what a strange expedition is this! How strangely the eyes of +the two men look, after two or three more applications to the antique +flask; and how curiously Mr. Bumstead walks on tip-toe at times and +takes short leaps now and then. + +"Lesh go now," says BUMSTEAD, after both have been asleep upon their feet +several times; "I think th's snakes down here, JOHN McBUMSTEAD." + +"Wh'st! monkies, you mean,--dozens of black monkies, Mr. BUMPLIN," +whispers OLD MORTARITY, clutching his arm as he sinks against him. + +"Noshir! Serp'nts!" insists Mr. BUMSTEAD, making futile attempts to open +his umbrella with one hand. "Warzesmarrer with th' light?--ansh'r me t' +once, Mac JOHNBUNKLIN!" + +In their swayings under the confusions and delusions of the vault, their +lanterns have worked around to the neighborhoods of their spines, so +that, whichever way they turn, the light is all behind them. Greatly +agitated, as men are apt to be when surrounded by supernatural +influences, they do not perceive the cause of this apparently unnatural +illumination; and, upon turning round and round in irregular circles, +and still finding the light in the wrong place, they exhibit signs of +great trepidation. + +"Warzemarrer wirra _light?_" repeats Mr. BUMSTEAD, spinning wildly until +he brings up against the wall. + +"Ishgotb'witched, I b'lieve," pants Mr. McLAUGHLIN, whirling as +frenziedly with his own lantern dangling behind him, and coming to an +abrupt pause against the opposite wall. + +Thus, each supported against the stones by a shoulder, they breathe hard +for a moment, and then sink into a slumber in which they both slide down +to the ground. Aroused by the shock, they sit up quite dazed, brush away +the swarming snakes and monkies, are freshly alarmed by discovering that +they are now actually sitting upon that perverse light behind them, and, +by a simultaneous impulse, begin crawling about in search of the ladder. + Unable to see anything with all the light behind him, but fancying +that he discerns a gleam beyond a dark object near at hand, Mr. BUMSTEAD +rises to a standing attitude by a series of complex manoeuvres, and +plants a foot on something. + +"I'morth'larrer!" he cries, spiritedly. + +"Th'larrer's on me!" answers Mr. MCLAUGHLIN, in evidently great +bewilderment. + +Then ensue a momentary wild struggle and muffled crash; for each +gentleman, coming blindly upon the other, has taken the light glimmering +at the other's back for the light at the top of the ladder, and, further +mistaking the other in the dark for the ladder itself, has attempted to +climb him. Mr. BUMSTEAD, however, has got the first step; whereupon, Mr. +MCLAUGHLIN, in resenting what he takes for the ladder's inexcusable +familiarity, has twisted both himself and his equally deluded companion +into a pretty hard fall. + +Another interval of hard breathing, and then the organist of Saint Cow's +asks: "Di'you hear anything drop?" + +"Yshir, th'larrer got throwed, f'rimpudence to a gen'l'm'n," is the +peevish return of OLD MORTARITY, who immediately falls asleep as he +lies, with his lantern under his spine. + +In his sleep, he dreams that BUMSTEAD examines him closely, with a view +to gaining some clue to the mystery of the light behind both their +backs; and, on finding the lantern under him, and, studying it +profoundly for some time, is suddenly moved to feel along his own back. +He dreams that BUMSTEAD thereupon finds his own lantern, and exclaims, +after half an hour's analytical reflection, "It musht'ave slid round +while JOHN MCLAUGHLIN was intosh'cated." Then, or soon after, the +dreamer awakes, and can discern two Mr. BUMSTEADS seated upon the +step-ladders, with a lantern, baby-like, on each knee. + +"You two men are awake at last, eh?" say the organists, with peculiar +smiles. + +"Yes, gentlemen," return the MCLAUGHLINS, with yawns. + +They ascend silently from the cellar, each believing that he is +accompanied by two companions, and rendered moodily distrustful thereby. + + "Aina maina mona--Mike. + Bassalone, bona--Strike!" + +sings a small, familiar voice, when they stand again above ground, and a +stone whizzes between their heads. + +In another moment BUMSTEAD has the fell SMALLEY by the collar, and is +shaking him like a yard of carpet. + +"You wretched little tarrier!" he cries in a fury, "you've been spying +around to-night, to find out something about my Spiritualism that may be +distorted to injure my Ritualistic standing." + +"I ain't done nothing; and you jest drop me, or I'll knock spots out of +yer!" carols the stony young child. "I jest come to have my aim at that +old Beat there." + +"Attend to his case, then--his and his friend's, for he seems to have +some one with him--and never let me see you two boys again." + +Thus Mr. BUMSTEAD, as he releases the excited lad, and turns from the +pauper burial-ground for a curious kind of pitching and running walk +homeward. The strange expedition is at an end:-but _which_ end he is +unable just then to decide. + +(_To be Continued._) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CLERKS ALL AWAY ON A SATURDAY FROLIC, WHICH ACCOUNTS FOR +THE UNFORTUNATE POSITION OF THIS STOUT GENTLEMAN, WHO WAS LEFT ALONE TO +LOCK UP HIS STORE.] + + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE.] + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +_Johnny_.--Yes, you may offer your arm to your pretty cousin in the +country whenever you think she would like it, except when Mr. +PUNCHINELLO is present. If that gallant gentleman is at hand, escort +duty may, with perfect propriety, be left to him. + +_Charles_ inquires whether his handwriting is good enough to qualify him +for membership in a base ball club. We think he is all right on that +score. + +_Glaucus._--We have never heard that Newport is a good place for +gathering sea-shells, but we presume you can shell out there if you +wish. + +_Chapeau_.--Hats will be worn on the head this season. It is not +considered stylish to hang them on the ear, eyebrow, or coat collar. + +_Cit._--The correct dimensions of a Saratoga pocket-book have not been +definitely decided. As to sending it, it is doubtful whether the +rail-road companies would receive it as baggage. Perhaps you could +charter a canal boat. + +_Aspirant_.--We cannot tell you the price of "bored" in Washington "for +a few weeks." No doubt you could get liberally bored at a reasonable +rate. + +_Sorosis_--It was very wrong for your husband to mention the muddy +coffee. However, we advise you to attempt a settlement of such troubles +without creating a public scandal. + +_Butcher Boy_.--You cannot succeed as a writer of "lite comidy" if you +continue to weave such tragic spells. "The Lean Larder" would not be an +attractive title for your play. + +_C. Drincarty_ submits the following problem: If one swallow don't make +a summer, how many claret punches can a man take before fall? Will some +of our ingenious readers offer a suitable solution? + +_Culturist_.--The potato has been grafted with great success on the +cucumber tree in some of the Western States. The stock should be heated +by a slow fire until the sap starts. The grafts should be boiled in a +preparation known to science as vanilla cream. + +_Truth_.--Your information is not authentic. LOUIS NAPOLEON never played +marbles in Central Park, nor took his little Nap in the vestibule of +WOOD'S Museum. + +_Fanny_ inquires whether "ballot girls" are wanted in New York. Wyoming +is a better field for them than this city. + +_Maine Chance_ has been paying his _devoirs_ with great impartiality to +two young ladies. One of them has red hair and a Roman nose, but the +paternal income is very handsome. The other is witty and pretty, but can +bring no rocks, except possibly "Rock the cradle." Recently he called on +the golden girl, and a menial rudely repulsed him from the door. This +hurt his feelings. He then went to the dwelling of the Fair, when a big +dog attacked him "on purpose," and lacerated his trousers. He wants to +know whether he has any remedy in the courts. His best way is the way +home. + +_Rifleman_.--You are right; the rival guns--the Dreyse and the +Chassepot--are also rifle-guns. Both of them are provided with needles, +as you suppose, but, so far as there is any chance of their being put to +the test under present circumstances, in Europe, it rather appears that +both of them will prove Needless. + +_Piscator_.--No; the weak-fish is not so called on account of any +supposed feebleness attributable to it. If you take a round of the +markets one of these roaring hot days, your senses will tell you that +the weakfish is sometimes very strong. + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +As a good many persons know, LA GISELLE is a ballet whose hundred legs +are nightly displayed on the stage of the GRAND OPERA HOUSE. + +The _Twelve Temptations_ have ceased to tempt, and the familiar legs of +LUPE no longer allure. But in their place we have KATHI LANNER, and +BERTHA LIND, and nearly a gross of assorted legs of the very best +quality. + +Why do the women clamor for the ballot, when they have almost exclusive +possession of the ballet? The latter is much nicer and more useful than +the former. The average repeater can obtain only a dollar for his +ballot, but the average ballet will find any quantity of enthusiastic +admirers at one dollar and a half a head. Would any man pay KATHI LANNER +a dollar for the privilege of seeing her with a ballot in her hand? + +On the other hand, lives there a man with eyes so dead that he would not +cheerfully pay twice that sum to see her in the mazes of the ballet? + +But _La Giselle_? Certainly. I am coming to that in a moment. I have +often thought that nature must have intended me for a writer of sermons. +I have such a facility for beginning an article with a series of general +remarks that have nothing whatever to do with the subject. + +Though how can any one be rationally expected to stick to anything in +this weather, except, perhaps, the newly varnished surface of his desk? +And how can even the firmest of resolutions be prevented from melting +and vanishing away, with the thermometer at more degrees than one likes +to mention? You remember the old proverb: "Man proposes, but his +mother-in-law finally disposes." The bearing of this observation lies in +its application. + +By the bye, I don't know a better application, in the present weather, +than claret punch. Apply yourself continually to that cooling beverage, +and apply it continually to your lips, and the result is a sort of +reciprocity treat, whose results are much more certain than those of the +reciprocity treaty, of which Congress has latterly had so much to say. + +To contemplate _La Giselle_ in all its bearings is a pleasure which is +peculiarly appropriate to the season. KATHI LANNER and her companions +may not be really cool, but they look as though they were. They remind +one of the East Indian country houses that are built on posts, so as to +allow a free circulation of air beneath the foundation. Anyhow, they +look as if they took things coolly. + +(A joke might be made on the words coolly and Coolie. The reader may mix +to his own taste. It's too hot for any one to make jokes for other +people.) + +But _La Giselle_? Yes! yes! I am just ready to speak of it. _La Giselle_ +is a grand ballet in which an elaborate plot is developed by the toes of +some fifty young ladies. There is a young woman in it who loves a man, +and there is another woman who also loves him, and another man who loves +the first woman, and meddles and mars as though he were a professional +philanthropist. + +The woman--the first woman, I mean--goes crazy down to the extremity of +her feet, and dies, and then there are more women,--no; these last are +disembodied spirits, with nothing but light skirts on,--who dance in +graveyards, and make young men dance with them till they fall down +exhausted, calling in vain for BROWN to take them home in carriages, and +pay for their torn gloves. The first young woman, and a young man--not +the other young man, you understand--does a good deal of--Well, in +fact, things are rather mixed before the ballet comes to an end, but I +know that it's a good thing, for FISK sits in his private box and +applauds it, which he wouldn't do if he didn't. + +And now, having placed _La Giselle_ plainly before your mental vision, I +desire to rise to a personal explanation. For the ensuing four weeks, +the places, in PUNCHINELLO, which have heretofore known me, will +know me no more. I am going to a quiet country place on Long Island to +write war correspondence for the--well, I won't mention the name of the +paper. You see the editor of the _Na----_ of the paper in question, I +should say,--wants to have an independent and unprejudiced account of +the great struggle on the Rhine--something that shall be different from +any other account.--Down on Long Island, I shall be out of the reach of +either French or Prussian influence, and will be able to describe events +as they should be. I have made arrangements with the "Veteran Observer" +of the _Times_ to take charge of this column during my absence. If he +can only curb his natural tendency toward frivolity and jocoseness, I am +in hopes that he will be able to draw his salary as promptly and +efficiently as though he were a younger man. Remarking, therefore, in +the words of _Kathleen Mavourneen_, that my absence "may be four weeks, +and it may be longer," I bid my readers a warm (thermometer one hundred +and five degrees) farewell. + +MATADOR. + + + * * * * * + + +JUPITER BELLICOSUS. + +Truly, PUNCHINELLO, this is an age of progress. Wars of succession +are no more. Absolutism must forever hang its head. Fling a glance at +France; peer into Prussia, _Vox populi_ is the voice of the King, and +the voice of the king is therefore _vox Dei_. When a king speaks for his +people he must speak sooth; what he says of other peoples must be taken +with a grain of salt. Bearing this in mind, the apparent inconsistency +between the regal rigmarole and the Imperial improvisation (these +epithets are a tribute to the Republic) which I have received by our +_special wire_ from Europe were addressed by the monarchs to their +respective armies before the grand "wiring in" which is to follow. + +WILHELM KOENIG VON PRUSSEN. + +_Soldaten_: The Gaul is at our gates. _Vaterland_ is in danger: my +_weiss_ is then for war. France, led by a despot, is about to desecrate +the Rhine. His imperial bees are swarming, but we shall send him back +with his bees in his bonnet, and a bee's mark (BISMARCK) on the end of +his nasal organ. France wars for conquest; Prussia never. When FREDERICK +the Great captured Silesia from a Roman without any apparent pretext, +was he not an instrument of Providence? When, in company with Austria, +we beat and bullied Denmark out of Schleswig-Holstein, were we not +victorious, and is not that sufficient justification? When we afterwards +beat this Austria, did it not serve her right? And when we absorbed +Hanover, &c., was it not to protect them? Yes, our present object is the +defence of our country and the capture of Alsace and Lorraine, which +mere politeness prevented us from claiming hitherto. On, then, soldiers +of Deutchland. Let our _law reign_ in Lorraine, for what is sauce for +the Prussian goose should be Alsace for the Gallic gander. The God of +battles is on the side of our just cause; Leipsic is looking at us, +Waterloo is watching us. GOTT _und_ WILHELM, _sauerkraut und schnapps. +Vorwarts._ + +NAPOLEON, EMPEREUR DES FRANCAIS. + +_Soldats:_ True to your trust in me, I am about to lead you to +slaughter. _L'Empire c'est la paix_. Prussia would place a poor and +distant relative of mine on the throne of Spain, therefore must we +recover the natural frontier of France, which lies upon the Rhine. The +rhino is ready, and we are ready for the Rhine. Let my red republican +subjects recall Valmy and Jemappes, and their generals KELLERMANN and +DUMAURIOZ. Let every Frenchman kill a Prussian, every woman too _kill +her man_. They did much for _la patrie_ in those days, but do _more ye +to-day_. France wars for ideas only; Prussia for rapine. We have heard +this Rhine-whine long enough; it has got into our heads at last. + +The spirit of my uncle has its eye upon you. Ambition was no part of his +nature. His struggles were all for the good of France, "which he loved +so much," as he himself said at his country-seat at St. Helena. Marshal, +then, to the notes of the _Marseillaise_, which I now generously permit +you to sing. + +The Gallic rooster shall "cackle, cackle, clap his wings and crow," +_Unter der Linden_. Jena judges us, Auerstedt is _our status_. The Man +of Destiny and December calls you. The God of armies (who marches with +the strongest battalions) is with us. + +_La gloire et des Grenouilles_, France and fried potatoes. _L'Empire et +moi et le prince Imperial. En avant marche!_ + + + * * * * * + + +A District that ought to be subject to Earthquakes. + +Rockland County. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE CELESTIAL SCARECROW IN MASSACHUSETTS. + +IT CONSISTS OF A CHINESE GONG AND A LOT OF PUPPETS WORKED BY THE HANDS OF +CAPITAL; AND SOME PERSONS THINK IT A GOOD JOKE.] + + * * * * * + +THE VULTURE'S CALL. + + Come--sisters--come! + The din of arms is rising from the vale, + Bright arms are glittering in the morning sun + And trumpet tones are ringing in the gale! + Hurrah-hurrah! + As fast and far + We hurry to behold the blithesome game of War! + + Haste--sisters--haste! + The drums are booming, shrill fifes whistling clear, + The scent of human blood is in the blast, + And the load cannon stuns the startled ear. + Away--away! + To view the fray, + For us a feast is spread when Man goes forth to slay. + + Rest--sisters--rest! + Here on these blasted pines; and mark beneath + How war's red whirlwind shakes earth's crazy breast + And cumbers it with agony and death. + Toil, soldiers, toil, + Through war's turmoil, + We Vultures gain the prize--we Vultures share the spoil. + + + * * * * * + + +Not Generally Known. + +The new three cent stamp smacks of the Revolution; containing, as it +does, the portraits of two military heroes of that period. General +WASHINGTON will be recognized at once, while in the background can be +discerned that brilliant officer--General GREEN. + + * * * * * + +Our Future Millionaires. + +Once let the Celestials get our American way of doing business, and +there will be plenty of China ASTORS among us. + + * * * * * + +THE POEMS OF THE CRADLE. + +CANTO II. + + "Hey! Diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle + The cow jumped over the moon. + The little dog laughed to see the sport, + And the dish ran after the spoon." + +These were the classic expressions of the hilarious poet of a period far +back in the vista of ages. How vividly they portray the exalted state of +his mind; and how impressed the public must have been at the time; for +did not the words become popular immediately, and have they not so +continued to the present day? + +Every mother immediately seized upon the verse, and, setting it to music +of her own, sang it as a cradle song to soothe the troubles of +infanthood, and repeated it in great glee to the intelligent babe when +in a crowing mood, as the poem most fitted for the infant's brain to +comprehend. + +Papa, anxious to watch the unfolding of the human mind, and its gradual +development, would take the baby-prodigy in his arms, and with keen +glance directed upon its face, repeat, in thrilling tones, the sublime +words. With what joy would he remark and comment upon any gleam of +intelligence, and again and again would he recite, in an impressive +voice, those words so calculated to aid in bringing into blossom the bud +of promise. + +But who can meditate upon the memorable stanzas, and not see, in fancy, +the enthusiastic youth--the lover of melody and of nature--as he enters +his dingy room, the ordinary abiding place of poetical geniuses. He +sees his beloved fiddle, and his no less beloved feline friend, in +loving conjunction; he bursts out rapturously with impetuous joy: + + "Hey! diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle!" + +He sees the two things dearest to his heart, and sees them both at one +time! And he must be excused for his sudden night into the regions of +classicism. + +No wonder that he immediately imagines the world to be as full of joy as +he himself, and that he thinks + + "The cow jumped over the moon." + +Perhaps the sight was a sufficient re-moon-eration to him for his past +troubles; and the exhilaration of his spirits caused him to dance, to +cut pigeon-wings, and otherwise gaily disport himself; consequently, + + "The little dog laughed to see the sport," + +which every intelligent dog would have done, under the circumstances. +Certainly, dear reader, you would have done so yourself. + +The hilariousness of the poet increasing, and his joyfulness expanding, +his manifestations did not confine themselves to simple dancing-steps +and an occasional pigeon-wing, but, inadvertently perhaps, he introduced +the "can-can," and that explains why + + "The dish ran away with the spoon." + +For the end of his excited toe came in contact with his only dish and +spoon, and propelled them to the other side of the room. As he does not +tell us whether the dish remained whole after its escapade, we must +conclude that it was broken, and that the dreadful accident caused, +immediately, a damp to descend upon his effervescent spirits. + +In what better way could he give vent to his feelings than in +descriptive verse? He could not shed his tears upon the paper and hand +them around for inspection, or write a melancholy sonnet on the frailty +of crockery, as a relief to his mind. No! he chose the course best +fitted to command public attention, as the result proved. He told his +tale--its cause and effect--in as few words as possible. Fortunate if +other poets would only do the same! + + * * * * * + +An Ornithological Con. + +What bird does General PRIM most resemble? +A Kingfisher. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NOTES ON THE FERRY. + +MR. CARAMEL, WHO IS OBSERVANT, CONTEMPLATIVE, AND GIVEN TO COMPARISON, +ARRIVES AT THE CONCLUSION THAT SOME WOMEN ARE NICER THAN OTHERS.] + + * * * * * + +THE MISERIES OF A HANDSOME MAN. + +Ever since my earliest recollections I have been a victim to +circumstances. + +Beauty, which others desire and try every means to obtain, to me has +been a source of untold misery. From my infancy, when ugly women with +horrid breaths would stop my nurse in the streets and insist upon +kissing me--through my school-days, when the girls would pet me and +offer me a share of their nuts and candies, and the boys laugh at me in +consequence, and call me "gal-boy," squirt ink upon my face for +beauty-spots, and present me with curl-papers and flowers for my +hair--until the present, when I am denied introductions to young ladies +and am put off on old women--I have suffered for my looks. + +In my boarding-house I am shunned as if I had the plague. When I enter +the parlor or dining-room, I see the ladies look at each other with a +knowing air, as much as to say, "Look at him!" And the answer is +telegraphed back, "Ain't he handsome? but he knows it," as if I could +help knowing it with every one telling me so fifty times a day; and +husbands pay unusual attention to their wives when I am around, as if I +were an ogre. + +I am naturally a modest man, made more so by my extreme sensitiveness to +personal criticism; and to be obliged to stand apparently unconscious, +when I know I am being looked at and commented upon, is harrowing to my +feelings. I feel sometimes as if I should drop down on the floor, but +then folks would never stop laughing if I did, at what they would be +pleased to term my extreme ladylikeness! I have actually prayed that I +might get the small-pox, and once walked through the small-pox hospital +for that purpose, but escaped unharmed. + +I suppose I must have been vaccinated. In fact, I know I have been, for +how often have I looked at the scar on my arm, and wished it had been on +my cheek, or at the end of my nose, or, in fact, on any place where it +might be considered a blemish. + +When I was a child I came near killing myself one night by going to bed +with two large bottle-corks thrust into my nostrils, to make them large, +like other boys'; and have made my mouth sore by stretching it with my +fingers, or forcing melon-rinds into it, to enlarge it. But it was +useless; perhaps the mouth might be sore for a couple of days, but its +shape remained unaltered. + +Now that I am a man, I am as unfortunate as ever. My hair _will_ curl, +even when shaved within half-an-inch of the scalp; my moustache will +stay jet-black, although I sometimes wax the ends of it with soap, and +walk on the sunny side of Broadway; my teeth are perfect, and I never +need a dentist; and my hands are shameful for a man,--so all my +old-maid-aunts and bachelor-uncles say. + +My affections have been trifled with several times, "because," as they +said, "when they had drawn me to the proposing point, I was too handsome +to be good for anything as a husband--I did very well for a beau." +Goodness! is it only ugly men that can marry? I want to marry and settle +down; for I am so slighted in society that I look with envy upon homely +or mis-shapen men. + +But who will have me? I put it to you, my friend, if it isn't a hard +case. I want an intelligent and agreeable wife, and one that comes of a +respectable family. I don't think I am asking too much, but it seems +fate has determined such a one I can never have! I have either to remain +single, or take one that is "ignorant and vulgar." That, of course, +would be as much remarked upon as my appearance, so it cannot be thought +of. + +I want to escape observation and criticism. I think strongly of +emigrating to the Rocky Mountains, donning a rough garb, and digging for +gold, in the hope of getting round-shouldered; or hiring myself out as a +wood-chopper, in anticipation of a chip flying up and taking off part of +my obnoxious nose. + +If there were no women around, I might escape notice out there. But if +one happened to come along, I should be obliged to leave, for her eyes +would ferret out my unfortunate peculiarities, and all my wounds would +be opened afresh. Sometimes I think there is no spot on the globe where +I would be welcomed; and I feel inclined to commit some desperate deed, +that I may be arrested and confined out of the sight of man and +woman-kind, until I am aged and bent enough to be presentable. + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +Passing down Chatham street the other day, PUNCHINELLO stopped in front +of a window where hung a highly-colored engraving of an Austrian +sovereign engaged in the Easter ceremony of washing the feet of twelve +old men and women. + +An Irishman at our side, who had been puzzling some time to comprehend +the problem thus submitted to him, finally broke out: + +"An' may I ax ye, misther, to be koind enough to exshplain phat in the +wurruld that owld roosther's doin'?" pointing to the figure of the +kneeling monarch. + +"He is washing the feet of the ladies and gentlemen," mildly put in +PUNCHINELLO. + +"Bedad," says PAT, "don't I see that for meself; but phatis he doin' it +for?" + +"It is a ceremony of the Catholic Church," PUNCHINELLO explained, +"typical of the washing of the feet of the Twelve Apostles." + +PAT eyed PUNCHINELLO askance with an expression which plainly enough +said that he did not believe we had been reared to tell the truth +strictly upon all occasions, and then added: + +"Bad cess to your manners, then, don't I know betther nor that; for +haven't I been in the church these forty years, and sorrow a sowl ever +washed _me_ feet!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SITUATION IN EUROPE. + + INTO "BIZ" LOUIS NAP HE IS GOING, + TO PAY OFF THE DEBTS THAT HE'S OWING; + DETERMINED THAT HE WILL MAKE _his_ MARK, + BY TAKING THE CHANGE OUT OF BISMARCK.] + + * * * * * + +FROM AN ANXIOUS MOTHER TO HER DAUGHTER. + +[Who is at a Watering Place.] + +NEW YORK, July 12, 1870. + +MY DEAR DAUGHTER: How are you getting on, dear? Well, I hope, for you +know I _do_ want to get you off, desperately. Thirty-seven, and still on +my hands! Mr. GUSHER, of the Four-hundred-and-thirty-ninth Avenue, goes +down next Saturday. He will hunt you up. Mr. GUSHER is a nice man--so +sympathetic and kind; and has such a lovely moustache. Besides, my dear +SOPHY, he has oceans of stamps. Quite true, my child, he hasn't much of +anything else, but girls at thirty-seven must not have too sharp eyes, +nor see too much. Do, dear, try and fix him if you can. Put all your +little artifices into effect. Walk, if possible, by moonlight, and +alone; that is, with him. Talk, as you know you can, of the sweets of +love and the delights of home. Dwell on the felicities of love in a +cottage, and if he doesn't see it, dilate on the article in a +brown-stone front, with marble steps. Picture to him in the most glowing +terms the joys of the fireside, with fond you by his side. If he hints +that a fireside in July is slightly tepid, thoughtfully suggest that it +is merely a figure of speech, and introduce an episode of cream to cool +it. Quote vehemently from TENNYSON, and LONGFELLOW, and Mrs. BROWNING. +Bring the artillery of your eyes to bear squarely on the mark. Remember +that thirty-seven years and an anxious mother are steadily looking down +upon you. + +Cut SMIRCH. SMIRCH is a worthless fellow. Would you believe it? his +father makes boot-pegs for a living. The house of WIGGINS cannot consort +with the son of one who pegs along in life in this manner! Never. Banish +SMIRCH. Don't let SMIRCH even look at your footprints on the beach. + +Then there is Mr. BLUSTER. What is he? Who? Impertinent puppy! Pretended +to own a corner-house on the Twenty-fifth Avenue, and wanted to know how +_I_ should like it? Like it? I should like to see him in Sing-Sing! _He_ +own a house?--a brass foundry more like, and that in his face! Keep a +sharp eye on BLUSTER and his blarney. He's what our neighbor GINGER +calls a "beat," whatever that is--a squash, no doubt. + +Don't spare any pains, my dear, for a market. I was only twenty-six when +I married the late lamented Mr. WIGGINS. And a dear good man he +was--only I wish he had paid his bills at the corner groceries. How he +_did_ love, my dear--that favorite demijohn in the corner! And then when +he came home at night with such a smile--he'd been taking them all day. +Don't fail to catch somebody. GUSHER, depend, is the man. Money is +everything. Never mind what he hasn't got just under the hat. It is the +pocket you must aim at. What is life and society--what New York--without +money? Say you love him to distraction. Declare your existence is bound +up in his. (Greenback binding.) Throw yourself at his feet at the +opportune moment, and victory must be yours. Impale him at all hazards. +Remember you are thirty-seven and well on in life. Your own loving + +MARIA ANASTASIA WIGGINS. + + * * * * * + +THE PUMP. + +An Old Story with a Modern Application. + + Like rifts of sunshine, her tresses + Waved over her shoulders bare, + And she flitted as light o'er the meadows, + As an angel in the air. + + "O maid of the country, rest thee + This village pump beside, + And here thou shalt fill thy pitcher, + Like REBECCA, the well beside!" + + But a voice from yonder window + Through my shuddering senses ran, + And these were its words: "MARIA-R! + MA-RIA-R! don't-mind-that-man!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LUCIFERS LITTLE GAME WITH HIS ROYAL PUPPETS.] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN'S EXPERIENCE AS AN EDITOR. + +Lively Times in the Editorial Sanctum.--The "Lait Gustise" handled +Roughly. + +"Whooray! Whooray!" I exclaimed, rushin' into the kitchen door, one +mornin' last spring, and addressin' Mrs. GREEN. "I've been invited to +edit the _Skeensboro Fish Horn_. Fame, madam, awaits your talented +pardner." + +"Talented Lunkhead, you mean," said this interestin' femail; "you'd look +sweet editin' a noose paper. So would H. WARD BEECHER dancin' 'shoo-fly' +along with DAN BRYANT. Don't make a fool of yourself if you know +anything, HIRAM, and respect your family." + +The above conversation was the prelude to my first and last experience +in editin' a country paper. + +The editor of the "Fish Horn" went on a pleasure trip, to plant a rich +ant who had died and left him some cash. + +Durin' his absence I run his paper for him. Seatin' my form on top of the +nail keg, with shears and paste brush I prepared to show this ere +community how to run a noosepaper. + +I writ the follerin' little squibs and put 'em in my first issue. + +"If a sertin lite complexion man wouldn't run his hands down into sugar +barrels so often, when visitin' grosery stores, it would be money in the +pocket of the Skeensboro merchants"-- + +"Query. Wonder how a farmer in this town, whose name we will not rite, +likes burnin' wood from his nabor's wood-pile?"-- + +"We would advise a sertin toothles old made to leave off paintin' her +cheeks, and stop slanderin' her nabors. If she does so, she will be a +more interestin' femail to have around."-- + +"Stop Thief.--If that Deekin, who trades at one of our grocery stores, +and helps himself to ten cents worth of tobacker while buyin' one cents +worth of pipes, will devide up his custom, it would be doing the square +thing by the man who has kept him in tobacker for several years." + +These articles was like the bustin' of a lot of bombshells in this +usually quiet boro. + +The Deekins called a church meetin', and played a game of old sledge, to +see who would call and demand satisfaction for the insult. As they all +smoked, they couldn't tell who was hit, as their tobacker bill was small +all around. + +Deekin PERKINS got beat when they come to "saw off." + +Said this pious man: + +"If old GREEN don't chaw his words, I'll bust his gizzard." + +The farmers met at SIMMINSES store. After tryin' on the garment about +steelin' wood, it was hard to decide who the coat fit the best, but each +one made up his mind to pay off an old grudge and "pitch into the Lait +Gustise." + +All the old mades met together in the village milliner shop, where the +Sore-eye-siss society held meetin's once a week, and their false teeth +trembled like a rattlesnake's tail, when they read my artickle about old +mades. + +It was finally resolved by this anshient lot of caliker to "stir up old +GREEN." + +Headed by SARY YOUMANS, the crossest old made in the U.S., and all armed +with broom-sticks and darnin'-needles, the door of my editorial offis +was busted open, and the whole caboodle of wimmen, famishin' for my top +hair, entered. + +They foamed at the mouth like a pack of dissappinted Orpheus--C--Kerrs, +as they brandished their wepins over my bald head. + +"Squire GREEN," sed a maskaline lookin' specimen of time worn caliker, +holdin' a copy of the _Fish Horn_ in her bony fingers, "did you rite +that 'ere?" + +"Wall," sed I, feelin' somewhat riled at the sassy crowd, "s'posen I did +or didn't, what on it?" + +"We are goin' to visit the wrath of a down-trodden rase upon your +frontispiece, that's what we is, d'ye hear, old Pilgarlick?" said the +exasperated 16th Amendmenter, as she brought down her gingham umbrella +over my shoulders. + +At this they all rushed for me. With paste-brush and shears I kept them +off, until somebody pushed me over a woman who had got tripped up, when +the army of infuriated Amazons piled onto my aged form. + +This round dident last more'n two minutes, for as soon as they got me +down, they all stuck their confounded needles into me, and then left me +lookin' more like a porkupine than a human bein'. + +I hadent more'n had time to pull out a few quarts of needles, before in +walks 2 big strappin' farmers. + +"Old man, we've come for you," said one of 'em. "We'll larn you to +slander honest fokes." + +At this he let fly his rite bute at my cote skirts. + +I was home-sick, you can jest bet. Then t'other chap let me have it. + +"Down stairs with him," sed they both, and down I went, pooty lively for +an old man. + +Just as I got to the bottom I lit on a man's head. It was Deekin PERKINS +comein' to "bust my gizzard." + +"Hevings and airth," sed the Deekin as he tumbled over in the entry way. +I jumped behind a door, emejutly, and as the farmers proceeded to polish +off the Deekin, I was willin' to forgive both of 'em, as the Deekin +groaned and yelled. + +Yes siree! it was soothin' fun for me, to see them farmers welt the +Deekin. + +Steelin' up stairs agin, I was brushin' off my clothes, when in walks +EBENEZER. + +"Sawtel," said he, ceasin' me by the cote coller and shakin' me, "Ile +larn you to rite about steelin' sugar; take that--and that," at which he +let fly his bute, and down stairs I went agin--Eben urgin' me on with +his bute.-- + +Suffice to say, the whole village called on me that day, and I was +kicked down stairs 32 times by the watch.--Hosswhipt by 17 +wimmen--besides bein' stuck full of needles by a lot more. + +I got so used to bein' kicked down stairs, that evry time a man come in +the door, I would place my back towards him and sing out: + +"Kick away, my friend, I'm in the Editorial biziness to-day--to-morrow I +go hents--there's rather too much exsitement runnin' a noosepaper, and I +shall resine this evenin." + +When I got home that nite, I looked like an angel carryin' a palm-leaf +fan in his hand, and clothed in purple and fine linen. My body was +purpler than a huckleberry pie, and my linen was torn into pieces finer +than a postage-stamp. + +"Sarved you rite, you old fool," said Mrs. GREEN, as she stood rubbin' +camfire onto me. "In ritin' noosepaper articles, editors orter name +their man. A shoe which hain't bilt for anybody in particular, will get +onto evrybody in general's foot. When it does, the bilder had better get +ready for numerous bootin's, from that self-same shoe." + +Between you and I, PUNCHINELLO, MARIAH is about 1/2 rite. Too-rally +ewers. + +HIRAM: GREEN, ESQ., + +_Lait Gustise of the Peece._ + + + * * * * * + + +COMIC ZOOLOGY + +Order, Cetacea.--The Right (and wrong) Whale. + +The largest of the Cetacea is the Right whale, of which--so persistently +is it hunted down--there will soon be but few Left. Some flippant jokist +has remarked that there is no Wrong whale, but this is all Oily Gammon. +There is a right and a wrong to everything--not excepting the leviathan +of the deep. + +By the courtesy of the Fisheries, the planting of a harpoon in the +vitals of a Right whale gives the planter a pre-emption claim to it. If +subsequently appropriated by another party it becomes, so far as that +party is concerned, the Wrong whale, and on Trying the case its value +may be recovered in a court of law,--with Whaling costs. + +The sperm whale, or cachalot, (genus _physeter_) is a rare visitor in +the higher latitudes. Now and then a solitary specimen is taken in the +Northern Atlantic, but the best place to catch a lot is on the Pacific +coast. It may be mentioned incidentally, as a curious meteorological +coincidence, that Whales and Waterspouts are invariably seen together, +and hence it was, (perhaps,) that the long-necked cloud pointed out by +HAMLET to POLONIUS, reminded that old Grampus of a Whale. + +The favorite food of the great marine mammal of the Pacific is the +Squid, and as this little creature swarms in the vicinity of Hawaii, the +cachalot instinctively goes there at certain seasons to chew its Squid +by way of a Sandwich. + +Although the capture of the whale involves an immense amount of Paying +Out before anything can be realized, it has probably always been a +lucrative pursuit. The great fish seems, however, to have yielded the +greatest Prophet in the days of JONAH. No man since then has enjoyed the +same facilities for forming a true estimate of the value of the monster, +that were vouchsafed to that singular man. Perhaps during his visit to +Nineveh he entertained the Ninnies with a learned lecture on the +subject, but if so, it has not turned up to reward the research of +modern Archaeologists. LAYARD found the word JONAH inscribed among the +ruins of the old Assyrian city, but the name of the ancient mariner was +unaccompanied by any mention of the whale. + +All the whale family, though apparently phlegmatic, are somewhat given +to Blowing up, and, when about to die, instead of taking the matter +coolly and philosophically, they are always terribly Flurried. In fact, +the whale, when in _articulo mortis_, makes a more tremendous rumpus +about its latter end than any other animal either of the sea or land. + +The Right whale, though many people make Light of it, is unquestionably +the heaviest of living creatures. Scales never contained anything so +ponderous. But while conceding to Leviathan the proud title of Monarch +of the Deep, it should be remarked that it has a rival on the land, +known as Old King Coal, that completely takes the Shine out of it. + + + * * * * * + + +THE WATERING PLACES. + +Punchinello's Vacations. + +At Newport, one cannot fail to perceive a certain atmosphere of blue +blood--but it must not be understood, from this expression, that the air +is filled with cerulean gore. Mr. P. merely wished to remark that the +society at that watering place is very aristocratic. He felt the +influence himself, although he staid there only a few days. His +aristocratic impulses all came out. Whether they staid out or not +remains to be seen. + +But no matter. He found many of the best people in Newport, and he felt +congenial. When a fellow sits at his wine with men like JOHN T. HOFFMAN, +and AUGUST BELMONT, and PARAN STEVENS; and takes the air with Mrs. J.F., +Jr., behind her delightful four-in-hand, he is apt to feel a little +"uppish." If anyone doubts it let him try it. At the Atlantic Hotel they +gave Mr. P. the room which had been recently vacated by Gov. PADELFORD. +He was glad to hear this. He liked the room a great deal better when he +heard that the Governor wasn't there any more. + +The first walk that he took on the beach proved to him that this was no +place for illiterate snobs and shoddyites. Everybody talked of high +moral aims, or questions of deep import, (especially the high tariff +Congressmen,) and even the little girls who were sitting in the shade, +(with big white umbrellas over them to keep the freckles off,) were +puzzling their heads over charades and enigmas, instead of running +around and making little Frou-Frous of themselves. Mr. P. composed an +enigma for a group of these young students. Said he: + + "My first is a useless expense. + My second is a useless expense. + My third is a useless expense. + My fourth is a useless expense. + My fifth is a useless expense. + My sixth is a useless expense, + and so is my eighth, ninth, tenth, and eleventh, and all the rest + of my parts, of which there are three hundred and fifty. + + My whole is a useless expense, and sits at Washington." + +The dear little girls were not long in guessing this ingenious enigma +and while they were rejoicing over their success, Mr. P. was suddenly +addressed by a man who had been standing behind him. Starting +little, he turned around and was thus addressed by his unknown +listener. + +"Sir," said that individual, "do I understand you to mean that the +Congress of the United States is a useless expense?" + +"Well, sir," said Mr. P., with a smile, "as it costs a great deal and +does very little, I cannot but think it is both useless and expensive." + +"Then sir," said the other, "you must think the whole institution is a +nuisance generally." + +"You put it very strongly," said Mr. P., "but I fear that you are about +right." + +"Sir!" cried the gentleman, his face beaming with an indescribable +expression. "Give me your hand! I am glad to know you. I agree with you +exactly. My name is WHITTEMORE." + +But Mr. P. did not waste all his time in talking to strangers and +concocting enigmas. He had come to Newport with a purpose. It was none +of the ordinary purposes of watering place visitors. These he could +carry out elsewhere. + +His object in coming here was grand, unusual and romantic. _He came to +be rescued by IDA LEWIS!_ + +It was not easy to devise a plan for this noble design, and it was not +until the morning of the second day of his visit, that Mr. P. was ready +for the adventure. Then he hired a boat, and set sail, alone, o'er the +boundless bosom of the Atlantic. + +He had not sailed more than a few hours on said boundless bosom, before +he turned his prow back towards land,--towards the far-famed Lime Rocks, +on which the intrepid heroine dwells. He had thought of being wrecked at +night, but fearing that IDA might not be able to find him in the dark, +he gave up this idea. His present intention was that Miss LEWIS should +believe him to be a lonely mariner from a far distance, tossed by the +angry waves upon her rock-bound coast But there was a certain difficulty +in the way, which Mr. P. feared would prove fatal to his hopes. + +The sea was just as smooth as glass! + +And the wind all died away! + +There was not enough left to ruffle a squirrel's tail. How absurd the +situation! How could he ever be dashed helpless upon the rocks under +such circumstances? + +The tide was setting in, and as he gradually drifted towards the land, +he saw the storied rocks, and even perceived Miss IDA, sitting upon a +shady prominence, crocheting a tidy. + +What should he do to attract her attention? How put himself in imminent +peril? His anxiety for a time was dreadful, but he thought of a plan. He +got out his knife and whittled the mast half through. + +"Now," thought he, "if my mast and rigging go by the board, she will +surely come and rescue me!" + +But the mast and rigging were as obstinate as outside speculators in +Wall street,--they would not go by the board,--and Mr. P. was obliged at +last to break down the mast by main force. But the lady heard not the +awful crash, and little weened that a fellow-being was out alone on the +wild watery waste, in a shipwrecked bark! After waiting for some time, +that she might ween this terrible truth, Mr. P, concluded that there was +nothing to do but to spring a leak. + +But he found this difficult. Kick as hard as he might, he could not +loosen a bottom board. And he had no auger! The Lime Rocks were getting +nearer and nearer. Would he drift safely ashore? + +"Oh! how can I wreck myself, 'ere it be too late?" he cried, in the +agony of his heart. Wild with apprehensions of reaching the land without +danger, he sat down and madly whittled a hole in the bottom of the boat, +making it, as nearly as possible, such a one as a sword fish would be +likely to cut. When he got it done, the water bubbled through it like an +oil-well. In fact, Mr. P. was afraid that his vessel would fill up +before he was near enough for the maiden on the rocks to hear his +heart-rending cries for succor. He could see her plainly now. 'Twas +certainly she. He knew her by her photograph--("Twenty-five cents, sir. +The American female GRACE DARLING, sir. Likeness warranted, sir.") + +But she turned not towards him. Confound it! Would she finish that +eternal tidy ere she glanced around? + +The boat was almost full now. It would sink before she saw it! That hole +must be stopped until he had drifted near enough to give vent to an +agonizing cry for help. + +Having nothing else convenient, Mr. P. clapped into the hole a lot of +manuscripts which he had brought with him for consideration. +(Correspondents who may experience apparent neglect will please take +notice. It is presumed, of course, that every one who writes anything +worth reading, will keep a copy of it.) + +Now the rocks were comparatively near, and standing up to his knees in +water, Mr. P. gave the appropriate heart-rending cry for succor. But in +spite of the prevailing calm, he perceived that there was a surf upon +the rocks, and a noise of many waters. At the top of his voice Mr. P. +again shouted. + +"Hello, IDA!" + +But he soon found that he would have to hello longer as well as hello +IDA, and he did it. + +At last she heard him. + +Dropping her work-basket, she ran to the edge of the rock, and making a +trumpet of her hands, called out: + +"Ahoy there! What's up?" + +"Me!" answered Mr. P., "but I won't be up very long. Haste to my +assistance, oh maiden! ere I sink!" + +Then she shouted again: + +"I've got no boat! It's over to MCCURDY's, getting caulked!" + +No boat! + +Then indeed did Mr. P. turn pale, and his knees did tremble. + +But IDA was not to be daunted. Bounding like a chamois o'er the rocks, +to her house, she quickly returned with a long coil of rope, and +instantly hurled it over the curling breakers with such a strong arm and +true aim, that one end of it struck Mr. P. in the face with a crack like +that of a giant's whip. + +He grasped the rope, and that instant his boat sank like a rock! + +IDA hauled away like a steam-engine, and Mr. P.'s prow (his nose, you +know,) cut through the water like a knife, in a straight line for the +shore. In front of him he saw a great mass of sharp roots. He shuddered, +but over them he went. On, on, he went, nor turned aside for jagged +cleft or sharp-edged stone. A ship, loaded with queensware, had been +wrecked near shore, and through a vast mass of broken plates, and cups, +and saucers, Mr. P. went,--straight and swift as an arrow. + +At last, wet, bleeding, ragged, scratched, and feint, he reached the +shore. Said IDA, as she supported him towards her dwelling: "How did you +ever come to be wrecked on such a day as this?" + +Mr. P. hesitated. But with such a noble creature, the truth would surely +be the best. He told her all. + +"Oh!" said he. "Dear girl, 'twas I, myself, who hewed down my mast and +scuttled my fair bark. And I did it, maiden fair! that thy brave arm +might rescue me from the watery deep, (you know what a good thing it +would be for both of us when it got in the papers,) and that on thy +hardy bosom I might be borne--" + +"Born jackass!" interrupted IDA. "I believe that everybody who comes to +Newport make fools of themselves about me; but you are certainly the +Champion Fool of the Lime Rocks." + +Mr. P. couldn't deny it. + + * * * * * + +Alphabetical. + +From the insult passed upon Count BENDETTI, at Ems, it appears that the +Prussian government does not always mind its P's and Q's. + + * * * * * + +A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME. + +A Love Tale. + +I. + +"I won't do it--there!" + +Miss ANGELINA VAVASOUR sat her little fat body down in a chair, slapped +her little fat hands upon her little fat knees, swelled her little fat +person until she looked like a big gooseberry just ready to burst, and +then turned her little fat red face up to Mr. JOHN SMITH, who was +standing before her. + +"I regret," said Mr. J.S., "that you should refuse to be Mrs. JOHN +SMITH." (ANGELINA shuddered.) "Might I ask you why?" + +"No," said she. "Say, my age." + +"But I don't object to that," said J.S. + +"Well, I won't," said ANGELINA, "that's all!" + +J.S. rubbed the fur on his hat the wrong way, pulled up his shirt +collar, looked mournfully at the idol of his heart, and departed. + +Why did she refuse him? Listen! + +About a thousand or two years ago--well, perhaps we had better not go so +far back--anyhow, Miss VAVASOUR had ancestors, and she was proud of +them; she had a name, and she gloried in it; she had $100,000, and +therefore insisted on keeping her aristocratic name; she had kept it for +forty years, and was willing to take a contract for the rest of the job, +though she did feel that she needed a man to slide down the hill of time +with her, and she was rather fond of SMITH. + +Mr. JOHN SMITH wanted to marry her for herself alone, though he had made +inquiries and knew all about that $100,000. + +Thus it was. + +II. + +"That's all!" Miss VAVASOUR had said. + +But was it all? She thought it was matrimony; J.S. thought it was matter +o' money, and J.S. had a long head--an awfully long head. + +Mr. JOHN SMITH sat before the grate. His auburn locks, his Roman nose, +his little grey eyes, his thin lips, his big ears, and each particular +hair of his red whiskers, expressed intense disgust. + +He was day-dreaming, seeing visions in the fire. There he saw Miss +ANGELINA VAVASOUR. Her eyes were ten dollar gold pieces, her nose a +little pile of ducats, each cheek seemed swelled out by large quantities +of dollars, every tooth in her head was a double-eagle, and her hair was +a mass of ingots. He heaved a sigh and took a fresh chew. + +The tobacco seemed to refresh him; he walked the floor for a while, and +then sat in his chair. Suddenly his countenance was irradiated, like a +ripening squash at early morn, and he sprang to his feet, crying out, +"Eureka! I'll do it." + +III. + +Eureka! How? What? Thus. + +One month afterwards our hero presented himself at the house of Miss +VAVASOUR, carrying under his arm a large volume, bound in calf. + +"Miss VAVASOUR," said he, "I come to repeat my proposition to you. Will +you reconsider?" + +"Sir?" said she. + +"Things have changed," said our hero. + +"Changed!" echoed she. "What do you mean, Mr. JOHN SMITH?" + +"Call me not by that vile cognomen," quoth he. "Look!" and he opened the +Session Laws at page 1004. + +She read: + +"STATE OF NEW YORK, COUNTY OF BLANK. + +I, JONATHAN JERUSALEM, Clerk of said County, do hereby certify that the +following change of name has been made by the County Court of this +County, viz.: + +JOHN SMITH to AUGUSTUS VAVASOUR. + +In testimony whereof, I have set my hand and the seal of the County, +June 3d, 1870. JONATHAN JERUSALEM, _Clerk_." [L.S.] + +She fell into his arms, and rested her palpitating head upon his +palpitating bosom. He pulled up his shirt-collar, trod on the cat, and +gently whispered, "$100,000." + +MORAL. + +A word to the wise. Go and do like-wise. LOT. + + * * * * * + +Gummy. + +The following is from a Western paper: + +"At Council Buffs, Iowa, a woman who don't chew gum is out of style, and +gets the cold shoulder." + +Our comment upon the above is that there must be very little gumshun +among the women of Council Bluffs. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SUCH IS LIFE." + +Here you see Tom, Dick, and Harry, as they looked when starting +in the morning for a day's fishing. + +And this is the same party, dejected, bedraggled, and foot-sore +wearily making their way homeward after their day's "sport."] + + * * * * * + +DOWN THE BAY. + +Mr. Punchinello: It is just possible that you never went on a fine +fishing excursion down the Bay with a party of nice young men. If you +never did, don't. I confess it sounds well on paper. But it's a Deceit, +a Snare, and a Hollow Mockery. I will narrate. + +Some days ago I was induced (the Deuce is in it if I ever am again) to +participate in a supposed festivity of this nature. In the first place, +we (the excursionists,) chartered a yacht, two Hands that knew the +Ropes--they looked as if they might have been acquainted with the Rope's +End--and a small Octoroon of the male persuasion as waiter. As CHOWLES +characteristically observed, (he is a Stock Broker, and was one of the +party,) "there is nothing like a feeling of Security." So we engaged a +Skipper who was perfectly familiar with the BARINGS of the Banks, and +Thoroughly Posted on all Sea 'Changes, at least so CHOWLES expressed it, +but then he is apt to be somewhat technical at times. This accomplished +mariner was reputed to have been "Round the Horn" several times, which I +am led to believe was perfectly true, as he smelt strongly of spirits +when he came on board. I was much discouraged at the appearance of this +Skipper, and had half a mind to give my friends the Slip when I saw him +on the Wharf. + +Having manned our craft, we purchased a colossal refrigerator in which +to put our Bass and Weak Fish, laid in a stock of cold provisions--among +other things a Cold Shoulder--plenty of exhilarating beverages, and, +with Buoyant Spirits, (every Man of us,) and plenty of ice on board, +started on the slack of the Morning Tide. I regret to state that by the +time we were ready to start our Skipper was half way "Over the Bay," +being provided with a pocket pistol charged to the muzzle. He and his +two subordinates were pretty well "Shot in the neck" by the time we +reached Fort Lafoyette. The consequence of this was that we no sooner +came Abreast of the reef in that locality than we got Afoul of it. For +getting Afoul of the Rocks we had to Fork over twenty dollars to the +captain of a tug boat which came and Snaked us off with a Coil of Rope +when the tide rose. + +During the time we remained stationary, the Bottle, I am sorry to say, +kept going Round. All the excursionists except myself got half seas +over, and when we resumed our voyage the steersman had fallen asleep, so +the vessel left a Wake behind her which was extremely crooked. + +We anchored that night outside Sandy Hook, and next morning cast our +lines overboard, and commenced fishing. Our success in that Line was +astounding, not to say embarrassing. We commenced to take Fish on an +unparalleled Scale. Dog Fish and Stingarees were hauled over the side +without intermission. The former is a kind of small shark. As they will +Swallow anything, we Took them In very fast Although extremely +voracious, they are so simple that if it were not for their size they +would fell an easy prey to the Sea Gull, which, in spite of its name, is +a very Wide Awake bird. Stingarees are fish of much more +Penetration--their sharp tails slashing everything that comes in their +way. These natural weapons, which have been furnished them by Providence +as a means of defence in their Extremity, cut through a fellow's +trousers like paper. The interesting creatures cut up so that we kindly +consigned them, together with the dog fish, to their native element, +having first benevolently knocked them on the head. Changing our +location for a change of luck, we captured a superb mess of sea robins +and toad fish. This satisfied us. So we pulled up anchor, not Hankering +for any more such sport, and left the Hook, very glad to Hook It. We +didn't have any of our toadies or robbins cooked, as those "spoils of +ocean," although interesting as marine curiosities, are not considered +good to eat, but each man had a Broil, as the Sun was very hot, and as +CHOWLES remarked, "brought out the Gravy." That night we turned in, +having been turned inside out all day. Next morning we reached home. The +skipper presented his Bill in the course of the day. Although extremely +exorbitant, we paid it without a murmur, being too much exhausted from +casting up accounts ourselves, to bring him to Book for his misconduct. +Such is the sad experience of + +Yours Reverentially, + +CHINCAPEN. + + * * * * * + +The Pillar of Salt (Lake.) + +Lot's (of) Wife. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | Are offering novelties in | + | | + | Crepe de Chine Sashes | + | | + | WITH HEAVY FRINGES, | + | | + | The Latest Paris Style. Also, | + | | + | WIDE BLACK AND COLORED | + | SASH RIBBONS | + | | + | Roman, Ecossais, Broche and | + | Chine Ribbons, | + | | + | JUST RECEIVED. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | A. T. 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PRANG & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under | + | date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless | + | postage stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + |One copy, per year, in advance. . . . . . . . . . . . . $4.00 | + |Single copies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the | + | receipt of ten cents. | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other | + |magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for. . . . . . . . . . 5.50 | + |One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for. . 7.00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | P.O. Box, 2783, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Tourists and Pleasure Traveler | + | | + | will be glad to learn that the Erie Railway Company has | + | prepared | + | | + | COMBINATION EXCURSION | + | | + | OR | + | | + | Round Trip Tickets, | + | | + | Valid during the entire season, and embracing Ithaca-- | + | headwaters of Cayuga Lake--Niagara Falls, Lake Ontario, the | + | River St. Lawrence, Montreal, Quebec, Lake Champlain, Lake | + | George, Saratoga, the White Mountains, and all principal | + | points of interest in Northern New York, the Canada, and New | + | England. Also similar Tickets at reduced rates, through Lake | + | Superior, enabling travelers to visit the celebrated Iron | + | Mountains and Copper Mines of that region. By applying at | + | the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. 241, 529 and 957 | + | Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich St.; cor. 125th St. | + | and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton St., Brooklyn; Depots | + | foot of Chambers Street, and foot of 23rd St., New York; No. | + | 3 Exchange Place, and Long Dock Depot, Jersey City, and the | + | Agents at the principal hotels, travelers can obtain just | + | the Ticket they desire, as well as all the necessary | + | information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "The Printing House of the United States." | + | | + | GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., | + | | + | General JOB PRINTERS, | + | | + | BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, | + | STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail, | + | LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers, | + | COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, | + | CARD Manufacturers, | + | FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. | + | | + | 163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., | + | 73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New York. | + | | + | ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under | + | immediate supervision of the proprietors. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | + | | + | The New Burlesque Serial, | + | | + | Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | BY | + | | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, | + | | + | Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the | + | year. | + | | + | A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, | + | with superb illustrations of | + | | + | 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | + | TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY | + | | + | 2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken | + | as he appears "Every Saturday, will also be found in the | + | same number. | + | | + | Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from | + | this office, free,) Ten Cents. | + | | + | Subscription for One Year, one copy, with $2 Chromo | + | Premium, $4. | + | | + | Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | + | serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | + | receipt weekly. | + | | + | We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any | + | one who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | + | receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | 83 Nassau St., New York. | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 19, August 6, +1870, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10015 *** |